1Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Computers are from hell 2Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors 3Hardware /nm./: the part of the computer that you can kick. 4Maniac /n./ An early computer built by nuts. 5RAM /abr./: Rarely Adequate Memory. 6Programmer /n./ A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects 7Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels 8Plonk /excl./: The sound a newbie makes as he falls to the bottom of a kill file 9hURL /n./: a link to a web site that makes you want to puke 10SUPERCOMPUTER: what it sounded like before you bought it. 11If it's really a supercomputer, how come the bullets don't bounce off when I shoot it? . The Covert Comic. 12A computer is like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy. . Joseph Campbell 13I dropped my computer on my foot! That Megahurtz!! 14A computer's attention span is as long as it's power cord 15586: The average IQ needed to understand a PC 16Memory is like an orgasm. It's a lot better if you don't have to fake it 17If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. 18A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk I have a workstation.. 19Want to come see my HARD DRIVE ? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy. . Geek pick-up line. 20If you torture the data enough, it will confess. . Ronald Coase 21If you give someone a program, you will frustrate them for a day; if you teach them how to program, you will frustrate them for a lifetime 22ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI! 23Use the source, Luke... 24Programming is an art form that fights back 25MacOS, Windows, BeOS: they're all just Xerox copies 26Whenever you think you have a clever programming trick... forget it! 27Managing senior programmers is like herding cats. . Dave Platt 28Your program is sick ! Shoot it and put it out of its memory 29/* You are not expected to understand this */ 30To define recursion, we must first define recursion 31ERROR: Computer possessed; Load EXOR.SYS ? [Y/N] 32Linux is only free if your time is worthless 33Linux: find out what you've been missing while you've been rebooting Windows NT 34unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; unmount; sleep 35Profanity is the one language all programmers know best 36It's 5.50 a.m.... Do you know where your stack pointer is? 37#define QUESTION ((bb) || !(bb)) . Shakespeare 38The more I C, the less I see. 39Confucius say: He who play in root, eventually kill tree. 40Unix is the answer, but only if you phrase the question very carefully 41C++: Hard to learn and built to stay that way 42Java is, in many ways, C++-- . Michael Feldman. 43They don't make bugs like Bunny anymore . Olav Mjelde 44If debugging is the process of removing software bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in 45When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem you encounter resembles a nail 46System Error: press F13 to continue... 47To err is human, but for a real disaster you need a computer 48Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes 49Life would be so much easier if we only had the source code 50Who is this 'General Failure' and why is he reading my disk? 51hAS aNYONE sEEN MY cAPSLOCK kEY? 52InspIRCd, now with excessive amounts of Cheeze 53I'm in the computer business, I make Out-Of-Order signs 54Kevorkian Virus: helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to. 55 [OUT OF QUOTES, PLEASE ORDER MORE] 56Insert Something Funkeh.. err.. There! --> 57Cannot delete tmp150---3.tmp: There is not enough free disk space. Delete one or more files to free disk space, and then try again 58File not found. Should I fake it ? (Y/N) 59The definition of an upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in 60If it's not on fire, it's a software problem 61It's a little-known fact that the Y1K problem caused the Dark Ages 62Artificial Intelligence usually beats natural stupidity 63Making fun of AOL users is like making fun of the kid in the wheel chair 64Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk? 65Daddy, what does FORMATTING DRIVE C mean? 66See daddy ? All the keys are in alphabetical order now. 67Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue... 68ASCII and ye shall receive. 69The web is a dominatrix. Every where I turn, I see little buttons ordering me to Submit. 70<FrostyCoolSlug> NO, You cannot dial 999, I'm downloading my mail ;/ 71640K ought to be enough for anybody. . Bill Gates, 1981 72Windows not found, [P]arty, [C]elebrate, [D]rink? 73English, the Microsoft of languages... 74It's been said that Bill Gates named his company after his dick... 75Ever notice how fast Windows runs ? -- Neither did I 76If at first you don't succeed, work for Microsoft 77We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated 78"Microsoft Works." . Oxymoron 79Windows isn't a virus, viruses do something 80PANIC! buffer = :NickServ WRITE_DB(3). <-- JUST KIDDING! 81It just keeps going and going and going and going and goi <BANG> 82All that I know is that nukes are coming from 127.0.0.1 83I know all about the irc and the mirc cops. 84M re ink n ed d, ple s r fil 85Please refrain from feeding the server operators. Thank you. 86I know all about mirc stuff, hmm.. I think this channel is experiencing packet loss.. 87MacDonalds claims Macintosh stole their next idea of the iMac 88I can't hold her any longer, captain, she's gonna bl.. sorry, got caught up in the moment 89I recommend purchasing a Cyrix CPU for testing nuclear meltdowns 90Is it an international rule to have the worst picture possible on your driver license? 91Have you hugged your services coder, today? 92Ever wonder why they make the colon flash on alarm clocks? 93Whats this?.. blue screen with a VXD error?!.. I'VE BEEN NUKED! 94do-do-bop-doo-doo-do-do-doo.. For those of you who know that song, you have problems.. 95be wery wery quiet... hunting wabbit... 96I've been IRC Nuked"Great warrior? War does not make one great." - Yoda 97"I find your lack of faith.....disturbing." - Darth Vader 98"I have a bad feeling about this.."--All of the Star Wars characters. 99Can I upgrade my Hard Drive to a WARP drive? 100Canadian DOS prompt: EH?\> 101Canadian DOS: "Yer sure, eh?" [y/n] 102CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)? 103I don't have a solution but I admire the problem. 104Famous Last Words: Trust me. I know what I'm doing. 105Hey Captain, I just created a black ho-�p!%$� NO CARRIER 106Access denied--nah nah na nah nah! 107Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay.. 108Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. 109*grumble* "You're just supposed to sit here?" 110"Hey, what's this button d..<BOOM>" -W. Crusher 111"He has become One with Himself!" "He's passed out!" "That too."-B5 112For a funny quote, call back later. 113Famous last words: 'You saw a WHAT around the corner?!' 114I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours. 115Copywight 1994 Elmer Fudd. All wights wesewved. 116Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted. 117BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go! 118My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. 119Why doesn't DOS ever say 'EXCELLENT command or filename!? 120Shell to DOS... Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS... 121Computing Definition - Network-Admin: Primary person who just got set up for the blame of the system crash. 122An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes which can be made in a very narrow field. 123Famous last words: This is the safe way to do it....... 124Famous Last Words: Trust me. I know what I'm doing. 125Clinton, "I didn't say that - er, well - yes, but I didn't mean..." 126CLINTON LEGACY??...even Pharaoh had only ten plagues... 127IBM I Bought McIntosh 128IBM I Bring Manuals 129IBM I've Been Moved 130IBM Idolized By Management 131IBM Impenetrable Brain Matter 132IBM Imperialism By Marketing 133IBM Incorrigible Boisterous Mammoth 134IBM Inertia Breeds Mediocrity 135IBM Ingenuity Becomes Mysterious 136IBM Ingrained Batch Mentality 137IBM Innovation By Management 138IBM Insipid Belligerent Mossbacks 139IBM Insipidly Bankrolling Millions 140IBM Inspect Before Multiusing 141IBM Install Bigger Memory 142IBM Institution By Machiavelli 143IBM Insultingly Boring Merchandisers 144IBM Intellectuals Being Moronized 145IBM Intelligence Belittling Meaning 146IBM Intimidated, Buffaloed Management 147IBM Into Building Money 148IBM Intolerant of Beards & Moustaches 149IBM Invest Before Multi-tasking 150IBM Investigate Baffling Malodor 151IBM Irresponsible Behave Multinational 152IBM It Beats Mattel 153IBM It's a Big Mess 154IBM It's Better Manually 155IBM Itty Bitty Machine 156IBM Institute for Black Magic 157100,000 lemmings can't be wrong. 158Murphy's Eighth Law: If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. 159Rules of the game: Do not believe in miracles - rely on them. 160Rules of the game: Any given program, once running, is obsolete. 161Computing Definition - Error: What someone else has made when they disagree with your computer output. 162Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic 163WinErr 653: Multitasking attempted - system confused. 164Cannot join #real_life (invite only) 165"Unfortunately, no one can be told what the Matrix is. You have to see it for yourself." - Matrix 166"Reality is a thing of the past" - Matrix 167"The future will not be user friendly" - Matrix 168"The general idea in chat is to make yourself understandable... ..." - Peer 169"heh i am talkin to someone...she's not dead...yet anyways" - Stinky 170"He who must die, must die in the dark, even though he sells candles" 171"If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you." 172"Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings." 173"France sucks, but Paris swallows" 174"A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. 175"Ever wonder why the SAME PEOPLE make up ALL the conspiracy theories? 176"Don't think of it as being outnumbered. Think of it as having a wide target selection." 177"Sysadmins can't be sued for malpractice, but surgeons don't have to deal with patients who install new versions of their own innards." 178"FACE!" 179"Dirka Dirka Mohammed JIHAD!" 180We can learn much from wise words, little from wisecracks, and less from wise guys. 181"Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt." - Herbert Hoover 182If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you. 183Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song. 184If Chuck Norris and InspIRCd met in a dark alley, Chuck Norris would get his first black eye. Ever. 185Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open. 186Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird. 187There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live. 188The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably. 189Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves. 190Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris. 191Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. 192Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter. 193Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head. 194When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. 195Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris. 196Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice. 197Chuck Norris only fears one thing in this world, and that is InspIRCd. 198InspIRCd's core is ran by donated Chuck Norris DNA. 199Chuck Norris exists because InspIRCd allows him to. 200Chuck Norris CAN punch you in the face over the internet. 201When Chuck Norris uses InspIRCd, he doesn't use the /kill command, he uses the /ROUND-HOUSE-TO-THE-FACE command. 202A developer only classifies oneself as such if they consider themselves as such. 203"While hunting in Africa, I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How an elephant got into my pajamas I'll never know." -- Groucho Marx 204