1%% $FreeBSD: src/games/fortune/datfiles/limerick,v 1.3.2.1 2002/08/09 20:40:29 fanf Exp $ 2%% $DragonFly: src/games/fortune/datfiles/limerick,v 1.2 2003/06/17 04:25:24 dillon Exp $ 3A bad little girl in Madrid, 4A most reprehensible kid, 5 Told her Tante Louise 6 That her cunt smelled like cheese, 7And the worst of it was that it did! 8% 9A bather whose clothing was strewed 10By breezes that left her quite nude, 11 Saw a man come along 12 And, unless I am wrong, 13You expected this line to be lewd. 14% 15A bather whose clothing was strewed 16By breezes that left her quite nude, 17 Saw a man come along 18 And, unless I'm quite wrong, 19You expected this line to be lewd. 20% 21A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? 22I am not I, I'm a tree." 23 But another, more sane, 24 Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" 25And covered his pants leg with pee. 26% 27A beautiful belle of Del Norte 28Is reckoned disdainful and haughty 29 Because during the day 30 She says: "Boys, keep away!" 31But she fucks in the gloaming like forty. 32% 33A beautiful lady named Psyche 34Is loved by a fellow named Ikey. 35 One thing about Ike 36 The lady can't like 37Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey. 38% 39A beetling young woman named Pridgets 40Had a violent abhorrence of midgets; 41 Off the end of a wharf 42 She once pushed a dwarf 43Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets. 44 -- Edward Gorey 45% 46A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression 47Sold cigars at a key-club concession. 48 When she swiveled about 49 Even strong men cried out, 50For her costume did not keep her flesh in. 51% 52A bobby of Nottingham Junction 53Whose organ had long ceased to function 54 Deceived his good wife 55 For the rest of her life 56With the aid of his constable's truncheon. 57% 58A broken-down harlot named Tupps 59Was heard to confess in her cups: 60 "The height of my folly 61 Was diddling a collie- 62But I got a nice price for the pups." 63% 64A broken-down harlot named Tupps 65Was heard to confess in her cups: 66 "The height of my folly 67 Was fucking a collie -- 68But I got a nice price for the pups." 69% 70A burlesque dancer, a pip 71Named Virginia, could peel in a zip; 72 But she read science fiction 73 And died of constriction 74Attempting a Moebius strip. 75 -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology" 76% 77A busy young lady named Gloria 78Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier 79 And then by six men, 80 Sir Gerald again, 81And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. 82% 83A cabin boy on an old clipper 84Grew steadily flipper and flipper. 85 He plugged up his ass 86 With fragments of glass 87And thus circumcised his old skipper. 88% 89A cautious young fellow named Lodge 90Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. 91 When his date was strapped in, 92 He committed a sin, 93Without even leaving his grodge. 94% 95A cautious young fellow named Lodge, 96Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. 97 With his date all strapped in 98 He committed a sin 99Without even leaving the garage. 100 -- "A Boy and His Dog" 101% 102A cautious young fellow named Tunney 103Had a whang that was worth any money. 104 When eased in half-way, 105 The girl's sigh made him say, 106"Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey." 107% 108A certain young man, it was noted, 109Went about in the heat thickly-coated; 110 He said, "You may scoff, 111 But I shan't take it off; 112Underneath I am horribly bloated." 113 -- Edward Gorey 114% 115A certain young person of Ghent, 116Uncertain if lady or gent, 117 Shows his organs at large 118 For a small handling charge 119To assist him in paying the rent. 120% 121A certain young sheik of Algiers 122Said to his harem, "My dears, 123 Though you may think it odd of me, 124 I'm tired of just sodomy 125Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!) 126% 127A chap down in Oklahoma 128Had a cock that could sing La Paloma, 129 But the sweetness of pitch 130 Couldn't put off the hitch 131Of impotence, size and aroma. 132% 133A charmer from old Amarillo, 134Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow, 135 Decided one day 136 That to keep men away 137She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo. 138% 139A chippy who worked in Black Bluff 140Had a pussy as large as a muff. 141 It had room for both hands 142 And some intimate glands, 143And was soft as a little duck's fluff. 144% 145A clerical student named Pryne 146Through pain sought to reach the divine: 147 He wore a hair shirt, 148 Quite often ate dirt, 149And bathed every Friday in brine. 150 -- Edward Gorey 151% 152A clever young man named Eugene 153Invented a jack-off machine. 154 On the twenty-third stroke 155 The fuckin' thing broke 156And beat both his balls to a creame. 157% 158A clever young man named Eugene 159Invented a jack-off machine. 160 On the twenty-third stroke 161 The goddam thing broke 162And beat both his balls to a creame. 163% 164A cocksucking steno named Beeman 165Remarked as she swallowed my semen : 166 "On my minuscule salary 167 I must watch every calorie, 168So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!" 169% 170A computer called Illiac4 171Had a rather tough bug in its core. 172 It chewed up its cards 173 And spewed yards and yards 174Of illegible tape on the floor. 175% 176A computer, to print out a fact, 177Will divide, multiply, and subtract. 178 But this output can be 179 No more than debris, 180If the input was short of exact. 181 -- Gigo 182% 183A contortionist hailing from Lynch 184Used to rent out his tool by the inch. 185 A foot cost a quid -- 186 He could and he did 187Stretch it to three in a pinch. 188% 189A corpulent maiden named Kroll 190Had a notion exceedingly droll: 191 At a masquerade ball, 192 Dressed in nothing at all, 193She backed in as a Parker House roll. 194% 195A couple was fishing near Clombe 196When the maid began looking quite glum, 197 And said, "Bother the fish! 198 I'd rather coish!" 199Which they did -- which was why they had come. 200% 201A cowhand way out in Seattle 202Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle. 203 He said, "No, I can't fuck 204 A lamb or a duck, 205But golly! it just fits the cattle." 206% 207A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison 208And had an affair with a Saracen. 209 She was not oversexed, 210 Or jealous or vexed, 211She just wanted to make a comparison. 212% 213A CS student named Lin 214Had a prick the size of a pin 215 It was no good for girls 216 But just great for squirrels 217Who squealed with delight with it in. 218% 219A cute little twerp from Samoa 220Had a cock of one inch and no moa. 221 It was good for keyholes 222 And debutantes' peeholes 223But not worth a damn on a whoa. 224% 225A daredevil skater named Lowe, 226Leaps barrels arranged in the snow, 227 But is proudest of doing, 228 Some incredible screwing, 229Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row! 230% 231A deep-throated virgin named Netty 232Was sucking a cock on the jetty. 233 She said, "It tastes nice, 234 Much better than rice, 235Though not quite as good as spaghetti." 236% 237A delighted, incredulous bride 238Remarked to her groom at her side : 239 "I never could quite 240 Believe till tonight 241Our anatomies would coincide." 242% 243A dentist, young doctor Malone, 244Got a charming girl patient alone, 245 And, in his depravity, 246 Filled the wrong cavity. 247God, how his practice has grown. 248% 249A despairing old landlord named Fyfe, 250With a frigid and quarrelsome wife, 251 Let his third-story front, 252 To a willing young cunt, 253Who supplied him a new lease on life! 254% 255A desperate spinster from Clare 256Once knelt in the moonlight all bare, 257 And prayed to her God 258 For a romp on the sod-- 259'Twas a passerby answered her prayer. 260% 261A distinguished professor from Swarthmore 262Got along with a sexy young sophomore. 263 As quick as a glance 264 He stripped off his pants, 265But he found that the sophomore'd got off more. 266% 267A doctoral student from Buckingham 268Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. 269 But a dropout from paree 270 Taught him Gamahuchee 271- so he added a footnote on sucking 'em. 272% 273A doctoral student from Buckingham 274Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. 275 But a dropout from paree 276 Taught him Gamahuchee 277So he added a footnote on sucking 'em. 278% 279A do-it-yourselfer named Alice, 280Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. 281 She blew her vagina 282 To South Carolina, 283And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas. 284 285A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill, 286Used two dynamite sticks for a dil. 287 They found her vagina, 288 In South Carolina, 289And part of her ass in Brazil. 290% 291A dolly in Dallas named Alice, 292Whose overworked sex is all callous, 293 Wore the foreskin away 294 On uncircumcised Ray, 295Through exuberance, tightness, and malice. 296% 297A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis 298Wished to foster an aura of menace; 299 To make people afraid 300 He wore gloves of grey suede 301And white footgear intended for tennis. 302 -- Edward Gorey 303% 304A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis 305Wished to foster an aura of menace. 306 To make people afraid 307 He wore gloves of grey suede 308And white footgear intended for tennis. 309 -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey" 310% 311A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd, 312Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred, 313 Had achieved some reknown 314 For her tone going down-- 315There's a nice civil tongue in her head. 316% 317A fair-haired young damsel named Grace 318Thought it very, very foolish to place 319 Her hand on your cock 320 When it turned hard as rock, 321For fear it would explode in your face. 322% 323A farmer I know named O'Doole 324Had a long and incredible tool. 325 He can use it to plow, 326 Or to diddle a cow, 327Or just as a cue-stick at pool. 328% 329A fellatrix's healthful condition 330Proved the value of spunk as nutrition. 331 Her remarkable diet 332 (I suggest that you try it) 333Was only her clients' emission. 334% 335A fellow whose surname was Hunt 336Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt: 337 This versatile spout 338 Could be turned inside out, 339Like a glove, and be used as a cunt. 340% 341A fisherman off of Cape Cod 342Said, "I'll bugger that tuna, by God!" 343 But the high-minded fish 344 Resented his wish, 345And nimbly swam off with his rod. 346% 347A foolish geologist from Kissen 348Just didn't know what he was missin', 349 By studying rock 350 And neglecting his cock, 351And using it merely for pissin'. 352% 353A Frenchman who lived in Alsace 354Had sex with a virgin named Grace. 355 When he popped her cherry, 356 She made things hairy 357By bleeding all over his face. 358% 359A frustrated lady named Alice 360Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. 361 They found her vagina 362 In North Carolina 363And bits of her tits were in Dallas. 364% 365A gay young prince from Morocco 366Made love in a manner rococco. 367 He painted his penis 368 To resemble a venus 369And flavored his semen with cocoa. 370% 371A geneticist living in Delft 372Scientifically played with himself, 373 And when he was done 374 He labled it: son, 375And filed him away on a shelf. 376% 377A geneticist living in Delft 378Scientifically played with himself, 379 And when he was done 380 He labled it: son, 381And filed him away on a shelf. 382A gentleman, otherwise meek, 383Detested with passion the leek; 384 When offered one out 385 He dealt such a clout 386To the maid, she was down for a week. 387 -- Edward Gorey 388% 389A gentleman, otherwise meek, 390Detested with passion the leek; 391 When offered one out 392 He dealt such a clout 393To the maid, she was down for a week. 394 -- Edward Gorey 395% 396A german composer named Bruckner 397Remarked to a lady while fuckener : 398 "Less lento, my dear, 399 With your cute little rear; 400I like a hot presto when muckener!" 401% 402A gift was delivered to Laura 403From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah; 404 Wrapped in tissue and crepe, 405 It was peeled, like a grape, 406And emitted a pale, greenish aura. 407 -- Edward Gorey 408% 409A gifted young fellow from Sparta 410Was widely renowned as a farta'. 411 He could fart anything 412 From "Of Thee I Sing," 413To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata." 414% 415A girl camper once had an affair 416With a fellow all covered with hair. 417 When she gave him his hat 418 She realized that 419She'd been had by Smokey the Bear. 420% 421A girl of the Enterprise crew 422Refused every offer to screw. 423 But a Vulcan named Spock 424 Crawled under her smock, 425And now she is eating for two. 426% 427A girl of uncertain nativity 428Had an ass of extreme sensitivity 429 While she sat on the lap 430 Of a German or Jap, 431She could sense Fifth Column activity. 432% 433A graduate student named Zac 434Was said to be great in the sack. 435 An inch of his boner 436 Put girls in a coma 437And two gave them epileptic attacks. 438% 439A graduate student named Zac 440Was said to be great in the sack. 441 An inch of his boner 442 Put girls in a coma 443And two gave them epileptic attacks. 444% 445A greedy young lady from Sidney 446Liked it in up to her kidney, 447 Till a man from Quebec 448 Shoved it up to her neck-- 449He really diddled her, didn' he? 450% 451A green-thumbed young farmer from Leeds 452Once swallowed a package of seeds. 453 In a month, his ass 454 Was covered with grass 455And his balls were grown over with weeds. 456% 457A guest in a household quite charmless 458Was informed its eccentric was harmless: 459 "If you're caught unawares 460 At the head of the stairs, 461Just remember, he's eyeless and armless." 462 -- Edward Gorey 463% 464A habit depraved and unsavory 465Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery 466 Midst screeches and howls 467 He deflowered young owls 468Which he kept in an underground aviary 469% 470A habit obscene and bizarre, 471Has taken a-hold of papa. 472 He brings home young camels 473 And other odd mammals, 474And gives them a go at mama. 475% 476A habit obscene and unsavory, 477Holds a CS professor in slavery. 478 With maniacal howls, 479 He deflowers young owls, 480That he keeps in an underground aviary. 481% 482A hacker who screwed a mag tape 483Was caught and convicted of rape. 484 To jail he did go, 485 From which, to his woe 486He couldn't get out with ESC. 487% 488A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk 489Made love to the drive of his disk. 490 The thing circumsized him, 491 Which rather suprised him. 492He wasn't aware of *that* risk. 493% 494A handsome young rodent named Gratian 495As a lifeguard became a sensation. 496 All the lady mice waved 497 And screamed to be saved 498By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation. 499% 500A happy old hooker named Grace 501Once sponsored a cunt-lapping race. 502 It was hard for beginners 503 To tell who were winners : 504There were cunt hairs all over the place. 505% 506A hardware debugger named Court 507Shoved his tool in an Ethernet port. 508 But its buffer array 509 Only handled 1K, 510So the port's driver cut it off short. 511% 512A haughty young wench of Del Norte 513Would fuck only men over forty. 514 Said she, "It's too quick 515 With a young fellow's prick; 516I like it to last, and be warty." 517% 518A headstrong young woman in Ealing 519Threw her two weeks' old child at the ceiling; 520 When quizzed why she did, 521 She replied, "To be rid 522Of a strange, overpowering feeling." 523 -- Edward Gorey 524% 525A hearty young fellow named Yost 526Once had an affair with a ghost. 527 At the height of the spasm 528 The poor ectoplasm 529Cried, "Goodie, I feel it ... almost." 530% 531A hearty young fellow named Yost 532Once had an affair with a ghost. 533 At the height of the spasm 534 The poor ectoplasm 535Cried, "Goodie, I feel it... almost." 536% 537A hidebound young virgin named Carrie 538Would say, when the fellows got hairy : 539 "Keep your prick in your pants 540 Till the end of this dance--" 541Which is why Carrie still has her cherry. 542% 543A highly aesthetic young Jew 544Had eyes of a heavenly blue; 545 The end of his dillie 546 Was shaped like a lilly, 547And his balls were too utterly two! 548% 549A highway patrol buff named Claire, 550Once screwed half a troop on a dare, 551 And her parts grew so hot, 552 There was steam on her twat, 553So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare! 554% 555A horny young fellow named Reg, 556Was jerking off under a hedge. 557 The gardener drew near 558 With a huge pruning shear, 559And trimmed off the edge of his wedge. 560% 561A huge-organed female in Dallas, 562Named Alice, who yearned for a phallus, 563 Was virgo intacto, 564 Because, ipso facto, 565No phallus in Dallas fit Alice. 566% 567A joker who haunts Monticello 568Is really a terrible fellow. 569 In the midst of caresses 570 He fills ladies dresses 571With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello. 572% 573A lacklustre lady of Brougham 574Weaveth all night at her loom. 575 Anon she doth blench 576 When her lord and his wench 577Pull a chain in the neighbouring room. 578% 579A lad, at his first copulation, 580Cried, "What a sensation! Inflation, 581 Gyration, elation 582 Throughout the duration, 583I guess I'll give up masturbation." 584% 585A lad from far-off Transvaal 586Was lustful, but tactful withal. 587 He'd say, just for luck, 588 "Mam'selle, do you fuck?" 589But he'd bow till he almost would crawl. 590% 591A lad of the brainier kind 592Had erogenous zones in his mind. 593 He got his sensations, 594 By solving equations, 595(Of course, in the end, he went blind.) 596% 597A lady born under a curse 598Used to drive forth each day in a hearse; 599 From the back she would wail 600 Through a thickness of veil: 601"Things do not get better, but worse." 602 -- Edward Gorey 603% 604A lady both callous and brash 605Met a man with a vast black moustache; 606 She cried, "Shave it, O do! 607 And I'll put it with glue 608On my hat as a sort of panache." 609 -- Edward Gorey 610% 611A lady from Kalamazoo 612Once found she had nothing to do, 613 So she sat on the stairs 614 And she counted her hairs: 6154,302. 616% 617A lady from Old Little Rock 618In fidelity took little stock, 619 And deserted her man 620 In the streets of Japan 621For a boy with a prehensile cock. 622% 623A lady removing her scanties, 624Heard them crackle electrical chanties. 625 Said her beau, "Have no fear, 626 For the reason is clear: 627You simply have amps in your panties. 628% 629A lady stockholder quite hetera 630Decided her fortune to bettera: 631 On the floor, quite unclad, 632 She successively had 633Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, et cetera... 634% 635A lady was seized with intent 636To revise her existence misspent. 637 So she climbed up the dome 638 Of St. Peter's in Rome, 639Where she stayed through the following Lent. 640 -- Edward Gorey 641% 642A lady while dining at Crewe 643Found an elephant's whang in her stew. 644 Said the waiter, "Don't shout, 645 And don't wave it about, 646Or the others will all want one too." 647% 648A lady, while dining in Crewe, 649Found an elephant's whang in her stew. 650 Said the waiter, "Don't shout 651 Or wave it about 652Or the others will ask for one, too." 653% 654A lady who signs herself "Vexed" 655Writes to say she believes she's been hexed: 656 "I don't mind my shins 657 Being stuck full of pins, 658But I fear I am coming unsexed." 659 -- Edward Gorey 660% 661A lady with features cherubic 662Was famed for her area pubic. 663 When they asked her its size 664 She replied in surprise, 665"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?" 666% 667A lass at the foot of her class 668Asked a brainier chick how to pass. 669 She replied, "With no fuss 670 You can get a B-plus, 671By letting the prof pat your ass." 672% 673A lecherous barkeep named Dale, 674After fucking his favorite female, 675 Mixed Drambuie and scotch 676 With the cream in her crotch 677For a lustier, Rusty-er Nail. 678% 679A licentious old justice of Salem 680Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em. 681 But instead of a fine 682 He would stand them in line, 683With his common-law tool to impale 'em. 684% 685A limerick packs laughs anatomical 686Into space that is quite economical. 687 But the good ones I've seen 688 So seldom are clean, 689And the clean ones so seldom are comical. 690% 691A linguist thought it a farce 692That memory space was so sparse. 693 One day they increased it. 694 Said he as he seized it: 695"At last! Enough core for the parse". 696% 697A lonely young lad of Eton 698Used always to sleep with the heat on, 699 Till he ran into a lass 700 Who showed him her ass -- 701Now they sleep with only a sheet on. 702% 703A lovely young diver named Nancy, 704Wore a bikini bottom quite chancy, 705 The fish of Bonaire, 706 Watched her Derriere, 707And the sea fans all tickled her fancy. 708% 709A lovely young maid from St. Jude 710Once rode through the streets in the nude. 711 The police cried, "Whatam-- 712 Agnificent bottom" 713And slapped it as hard as they could. 714% 715A lovely young maid from St. Jude 716Once rode through the streets in the nude. 717 The police cried, "Whatam-- 718 Agnificent bottom" 719And slapped it as hard as they cude. 720% 721A lusty young maid from Seattle 722Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle; 723 Till she found a bull 724 Who filled her so full 725It made both her ovaries rattle. 726% 727A lusty young woodsman of Maine 728For years with no woman had lain, 729 But he found sublimation 730 At a high elevation 731In the crotch of a pine -- God, the pain! 732% 733A madam who ran a bordello 734Put come in her pineapple jello, 735 For the rich, sexy taste 736 And not wanting to waste 737That greasy kid stuff from a fellow. 738% 739A maestro directing in Rome 740Had a quaint way of driving it home. 741 Whoever he climbed 742 Had to keep her tail timed 743To the beat of his old metronome. 744% 745A maiden who lived in Virginny 746Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny. 747 The horsey set rushed her, 748 But success finally crushed her 749For her tone soon became harsh and tinny. 750% 751A maiden who travelled in France 752Once got on a train, just by chance. 753 The engineer fucked her, 754 The conductor sucked her, 755And the fireman came in his pants. 756% 757A maiden who wrote of big cities 758Some songs full of love, fun and pities, 759 Sold her stuff at the shop 760 Of a musical wop 761Who played with her soft little titties. 762% 763A man was once heard to boast, 764That he received a parcel by post, 765 It contained, so we heard, 766 A magnificent turd, 767And the balls of his grandfather's ghost. 768% 769A marine being sent to Hong Kong 770Got a doctor to alter his dong. 771 He sailed off with a tool 772 Flat and thin as a rule - 773When he got there he found he was wrong. 774% 775A mathematician named Hall 776Had a hexhedronical ball, 777 And the square of its weight 778 Times his pecker's, plus eight, 779Was four-fifths of five-eighths of fuck-all. 780% 781A mathematician named Hall 782Has a hexahedronical ball, 783 And the cube of its weight 784 Times his pecker's, plus eight 785Is his phone number -- give him a call... 786% 787A mathematician named Klein 788Thought the Mobius band was divine. 789 Said he, "If you glue 790 The edges of two, 791You'll get a weird bottle like mine! 792% 793A middle-aged codger named Bruin 794Found his love life completely in ruin, 795 For he flirted with flirts 796 Wearing pants and no skirts, 797And he never got in for no screwin'. 798% 799A milkmaid there was, with a stutter, 800Who was lonely and wanted a futter. 801 She had nowhere to turn, 802 So she diddled a churn, 803And managed to come with the butter. 804% 805A mortician who practised in Fife 806Made love to the corpse of his wife. 807 "How could I know, Judge? 808 She was cold, did not budge-- 809Just the same as she'd acted in life." 810% 811A nasty old drunk in Carmel 812Thinks it funny to piss in the well. 813 He says, "Some don't favor 814 That unusual flavor, 815But I don't drink the stuff -- what the hell!" 816% 817A nervous young fellow named Fred 818Took a charming young widow to bed. 819 When he'd diddled a while 820 She remarked with a smile, 821"You've got it all in but the head." 822% 823A new dramatist of the absurd 824Has a voice that will shortly be heard. 825 I learn from my spies 826 He's about to devise 827An unprintable three-letter word. 828% 829A newlywed couple from Goshen 830Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean. 831 In twenty-eight days 832 They got laid eighty ways -- 833Imagine such fucking devotion! 834% 835A newly-wed man of Peru 836Found himself in a terrible stew: 837 His wife was in bed 838 Much deader than dead, 839And so he had no one to screw. 840% 841A notorious whore named Ms. Hearst, 842In the pleasures of men was well-versed. 843 Reads the sign o'er the head 844 Of her well-rumpled bed 845"The customer always comes first." 846% 847A novice was told by the Abbot: 848"Consider the goat and the rabbit. 849 While they roll in the hay 850 You just stay home and pray. 851You've got to get out of that habit." 852% 853A nudist resort at Benares 854Took a midget in all unawares. 855 But he made members weep 856 For he just couldn't keep 857His nose out of private affairs. 858% 859A nurse motivated by spite 860Tied her infantine charge to a kite; 861 She launched it with ease 862 On the afternoon breeze, 863And watched till it flew out of sight. 864 -- Edward Gorey 865% 866A pansy who lived in Khartoum 867Took a lesbian up to his room. 868 They argued all night 869 Over who had the right 870To do what, with which, and to whom. 871% 872A passionate red-haired girl 873When you kissed her, her senses would whirl, 874 And her twat would get wet, 875 And would wiggle and fret, 876And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl. 877% 878A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux 879Fell in love with a dashing young beau. 880 To arrest his regard 881 She would squat in his yard 882And longingly pee in the sneaux. 883% 884A petulant man once said, "Pish, 885Your cunt is as big as a dish." 886 She replied, "Why, you fool, 887 With your limp little tool, 888It's like driving a pin with a fish." 889% 890A physical fellow named Fisk 891Could screw at a rate very brisk. 892 So fast was his action 893 The Fitzgerald contraction 894Would shrink up his rod to a disk. 895% 896A pious old woman named Tweak 897Had taught her vagina to speak. 898 It was frequently liable 899 To quote from the Bible, 900But when fucking -- not even a squeak! 901% 902A pious young lady named Finnegan 903Would caution her friend, "Well, you're in again; 904 So time it aright, 905 Make it last through the night, 906For I certainly don't want to sin again!" 907% 908A pious young lady of Chichester 909Made all of the saints in their niches stir 910 And each morning at matin 911 Her breast in pink satin 912Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir. 913% 914A playful young chemist named Byrd 915Had an urge that could not be deferred. 916 So to irritate Knox 917 He shit in his sox, 918And plastered the walls with his turd. 919% 920A plumber whose name was John Brink 921Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink. 922 Her resistance was stout, 923 And John Brink petered out, 924With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink. 925% 926A potter who lived in Bombay 927Once fashioned a cunt out of clay; 928 But the heat of his prick 929 Kilned the damn thing to brick 930And chafed all his foreskin away. 931% 932A pretty wife living in Tours 933Demanded her daily amour. 934 But the husband said, "No! 935 It's to much. Let it go! 936My backsides are dragging the floor." 937% 938A pretty young boy known as Kevin 939Was raped in a pasture by seven 940 Lascivious beasts 941 (Oh, those Anglican priests) 942And such is the Kingdom of Heaven. 943% 944A pretty young lady named Vogel 945Once sat herself down on a molehill. 946 A curious mole 947 Nosed into her hole -- 948Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. 949% 950A pretty young lady named Vogel 951Once sat herself down on a molehill. 952 A curious mole 953 Nosed into her hole -- 954Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill. 955% 956A pretty young lady named Vogel 957Once sat herself down on a molehill. 958 A curious mole 959 Nosed into her hole- 960Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. 961% 962A pretty young lady named Vogel 963Once sat herself down on a molehill. 964 A curious mole 965 Nosed into her hole -- 966Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill. 967% 968A pretty young maiden from France 969Decided she'd "just take a chance." 970 She let herself go 971 For an hour or so, 972And now all her sisters are aunts. 973% 974A princess who lived near a bog 975Met a prince in the form of a frog. 976 Now she and her prince 977 Are the parents of quints, 978Four boys and one fine polliwog. 979% 980A princess who reigned in Baroda 981Made her home on a purple pagoda. 982 She festooned the walls 983 Of her halls with the balls 984And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'. 985% 986A programmer down in Moline 987Said, I'm the match for any machine. 988 My secret's aversion, 989 To loops and recursion, 990Just acres of in-line routine. 991 -- W.J. Wilson 992% 993A progressive professor named Winners 994Held classes each evening for sinners. 995 They were graded and spaced 996 So the vile and debased 997Would not be held back by beginners. 998% 999A rapist who reeked of cheap booze 1000Attempted to ravish Miss Hughes. 1001 She cried, "I suppose 1002 There's no time for my clothes, 1003But PLEASE let me take off my shoes!" 1004% 1005A rapturous young fellatrix 1006One day was at work on five pricks. 1007 With an unholy cry 1008 She whipped out her glass eye: 1009"Tell the boys I can now take on six." 1010% 1011A reckless young lady of France 1012Had no qualms about taking a chance, 1013 But she thought it was crude 1014 To get screwed in the nude, 1015So she always went home with damp pants. 1016% 1017A remarkable race are the Persians; 1018They have such peculiar diversions. 1019 They make love the whole day 1020 In the usual way 1021And save up the nights for perversions. 1022% 1023A remarkable race are the Persians, 1024They have such peculiar diversions. 1025 They screw the whole day 1026 In the regular way, 1027And save up the nights for perversions. 1028% 1029A responsive young girl from the East 1030In bed was an able artiste. 1031 She had learned two positions 1032 From family physicians, 1033And ten more from the old parish priest. 1034% 1035A romantic attraction has clung 1036To a chap of whom damsels have sung: 1037 "'Tis the Scourge from the East, 1038 That lascivious beast 1039Who was known as Attila the Hung!" 1040% 1041A sailor who slept in the sun, 1042Woke to find his fly buttons undone, 1043 He remarked with a smile, 1044 "Good grief, a sun-dial! 1045And now it's a quarter-past one." 1046% 1047A savvy young hooker named Gail 1048Got busted and lodged in the jail. 1049 But the jailer got hot, 1050 To be lodged in her twat, 1051And so Gail made the bail with her tail. 1052% 1053A scandal involving an oyster 1054Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister 1055 She preferred it, in bed, 1056 To the count (so she said) 1057'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister. 1058% 1059A scream from the crypt of St. Giles 1060Resounded for miles upon miles. 1061 Said the friar, "Good gracious, 1062 The brother Ignatious 1063Forgeteth the abbot hath piles." 1064% 1065A seafaring hacker named Slatey 1066Went to bed with a VAX/780. 1067 The thing's learned to swear 1068 With a nautical air, 1069And refers to its users as "matey". 1070% 1071A sex-loving coed named Bree 1072Caught the clap from her Apple IIE. 1073 The joystick, she found, 1074 Had been fooling around 1075With a neighboring student's PC. 1076% 1077A silly young man from Hong Kong 1078Had hands that were skinny and long. 1079 He ate rice with his fingers-- 1080 The taste of it lingers, 1081But now all his fingers are gone. 1082% 1083A slick talking pirate named Bruce 1084To steal code, had a plan to seduce 1085 An Apple II+. 1086 Now Bruce wears a truss 1087And was jailed for computer abuse. 1088% 1089A software technician from Digital 1090Had hardware extremely prodigical. 1091 It's rumoured, I hear, 1092 That when he was near 1093He made the ladies all flustered and fidgital. 1094% 1095A space shuttle pilot named Ventry, 1096Made love to a lovely girl sentry. 1097 She started to pout, 1098 Because it fell out, 1099But the mission was saved by re-entry. 1100% 1101A sperm faced, alack and forsooth, 1102His moment of sexual truth. 1103 He'd expected to fall 1104 On a womb's spongy wall 1105But was dashed to his death on a tooth. 1106% 1107A spinster in Kalamazoo 1108Once strolled after dark by the zoo. 1109 She was seized by the nape, 1110 And fucked by an ape, 1111And she murmured, "A wonderful screw." 1112 1113And she added, "You're rough, yes, and hairy, 1114But I hope -- yes I do -- that I marry 1115 A man with a prick 1116 Half as stiff and as thick 1117As the kind that you zoo-keepers carry." 1118% 1119A spunky young schoolboy named Fred 1120Used totoss off each night while in bed. 1121 Said his mother, "Dear lad, 1122 That's exceedingly bad-- 1123Jump in here with your mamma instead." 1124% 1125A starship commander named Kirk 1126Emerged from his cabin berserk. 1127 He grabbed a girl yeoman 1128 Beneath the abdomen, 1129And gave her a physical jerk. 1130% 1131A stout Gaelic warrior, McPherson, 1132Was having a captive, a person 1133 Who was not averse 1134 Though she had the curse, 1135And he'd breeches of bristling furs on. 1136% 1137A structured programmer named Drew 1138Was intensely turned on by "goto". 1139 When he saw it in code 1140 He'd shoot off his load. 1141It's a good thing his shop used so few. 1142% 1143A studious professor named Nestor 1144Bet a whore all his books that he could best her. 1145 But she drained out his balls 1146 And skipped up the walls, 1147Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her. 1148% 1149A sweetheart named Teresa Arden 1150Went down on her beau in the garden. 1151 He said, "Good lord, Tess, 1152 Don't swallow that mess " 1153And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?" 1154% 1155A sweetheart named Teresa Arden 1156Went down on her beau in the garden. 1157 He said, "Good lord, Tess, 1158 Don't swallow that mess!" 1159And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?" 1160% 1161A systems programmer named Sprotic 1162Found his software intensely erotic. 1163 In jealous distress 1164 He wiped his OS. 1165It's possible that he's psychotic. 1166% 1167A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm, 1168Was renowned for her fine paroxysm. 1169 While the man detumesced 1170 She still spent on with zest, 1171Her rapture sheer anachronism. 1172% 1173A talented girl from Detroit 1174Could fuck you in ways quite adroit. 1175 She could squeeze her vagina 1176 To a pin-point or finer 1177Or open it out like a quoit. 1178% 1179A team playing baseball in Dallas 1180Called te umpire blind out of malice. 1181 While this worthy had fits 1182 The team made eight hits 1183And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. 1184% 1185A team playing baseball in Dallas 1186Called the umpire blind out of malice. 1187 While this worthy had fits 1188 The team made eight hits 1189And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. 1190% 1191A teenage protester named Lil 1192Cried, "Those watergate spies make me ill 1193 First they bugged our martinis, 1194 Our bras and bikinis, 1195And now they are bugging the pill." 1196% 1197A thrice-married gal from L.A. 1198Said, "My hymen's intact to this day, 1199 'Cause my first (a shrink) talked of it, 1200 The voyeur only gawked at it, 1201And my most recent man's a gourmet." 1202% 1203A tidy young lady of Streator 1204Dearly loved to nibble a peter. 1205 She always would say, 1206 "I prefer it this way. 1207I think it is very much neater." 1208% 1209A timid young woman named Jane 1210Found parties a terrible strain; 1211 With movements uncertain 1212 She'd hide in a curtain 1213And make sounds like a rabbit in pain. 1214 -- Edward Gorey 1215% 1216A tired young trollop of Nome 1217Was worn out from her toes to her dome. 1218 Eight miners came screwing, 1219 But she said, "Nothing doing; 1220One of you has to go home!" 1221% 1222A trapper named Francois Lefebrve 1223Once captured and buggered a beabrve. 1224 The result of this fuck 1225 Was a three titted duck, 1226A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve. 1227% 1228A tutor who tooted a flute 1229Tried to tutor two tutors to toot 1230 Said the two to the tutor: 1231 "Is it harder to toot or 1232To tutor two tutors to toot" 1233% 1234A vengeful technician named Schmitz 1235Caused a disk drive to go on the fritz. 1236 He covered the platter 1237 With bats' fecal matter. 1238Now it's seek time is really the pits. 1239% 1240A very intelligent turtle 1241Found programming UNIX a hurdle 1242 The system, you see, 1243 Ran as slow as did he, 1244And that's not saying much for the turtle. 1245% 1246A very odd pair are the Pitts: 1247His balls are as large as her tits, 1248 Her tits are as large 1249 As an invasion barge-- 1250Neither knows how the other cohabits. 1251% 1252A wanton young lady from Wimley 1253Reproached for not acting quite primly 1254 Said, "Heavens above! 1255 I know sex isn't love, 1256But it's such an entrancing facsimile." 1257% 1258A water pipe suited miss Hunt; 1259She used it for many a bunt. 1260 But the unlucky wench 1261 Got it caught in her trench --- 1262It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench, 1263To get the thing out of her cunt. 1264% 1265A water pipe suited miss Hunt; 1266She used it for many a bunt. 1267 But the unlucky wench 1268 Got it caught in her trench --- 1269It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench, 1270To get the thing out of her cunt. 1271% 1272A weary old lecher named Blott 1273Took a luscious young blond to his yacht. 1274 Too lazy to rape her, 1275 He made darts out of paper, 1276Which he leisurely tossed at her twat. 1277% 1278A whimsical fellow named Bloch 1279Could beat the base drum with his cock. 1280 With a special erection 1281 He could play a selection 1282From Johann Sebastian Bach. 1283% 1284A wicked stone cutter named Cary 1285Drilled holes in divine statuary. 1286 With eyes full of malice 1287 He pulled out his phallus, 1288And buggered a stone Virgin Mary. 1289% 1290A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket 1291Had a hole as big as a basket. 1292 A spot, as a bride, 1293 In it now, you could hide, 1294And include with your luggage your mascot. 1295% 1296A widow whose singular vice 1297Was to keep her late husband on ice 1298 Said, "It's been hard since I lost him -- 1299 I'll never defrost him! 1300Cold comfort, but cheap at the price." 1301% 1302A wonderful bird is the pelican. 1303His mouth can hold more than his belican. 1304 He can take in his beak 1305 Enough food for a week. 1306And I'm darned if I know how the helican. 1307% 1308A wonderful bird is the pelican. 1309His mouth can hold more than his belican. 1310 He can take in his beak 1311 Enough food for a week. 1312I'm darned if I know how the helican. 1313% 1314A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies, 1315Renowned for the length of their peenies. 1316 The hair on their balls 1317 Sweeps the floors of their halls, 1318But they don't look at women, the meanies. 1319% 1320A wood-fetish busboy named Gable 1321Is rapid, is thorough, is able; 1322 But when everything's cleared, 1323 He gives way to the weird, 1324As he lovingly busses each table. 1325% 1326A worn-out young husband named Lehr 1327Her daily his wife's plaintive prayer: 1328 "Slip on a sheath, quick, 1329 Then slip your big dick 1330Between these lips covered with hair." 1331% 1332A worried young man from Stamboul 1333Discovered red spots on his tool. 1334 Said the doctor, a cynic, 1335 "Get out of my clinic 1336Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool." 1337% 1338A worried young man from Stamboul 1339Founds lots of red spots on his tool. 1340 Said the doctor, a cynic, 1341 "Get out of my clinic; 1342Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!" 1343% 1344A young bride and groom of Australia 1345Remarked as they joined genitalia : 1346 "Though the system seems odd, 1347 We are thankful that God 1348Developed the genus Mammalia." 1349% 1350A young fellow discovered through Freud 1351That although of penis devoid, 1352 He could practice coitus 1353 By eating a foetus, 1354And his parents were quite overjoyed. 1355% 1356A young Juliet of St. Louis 1357On a balcony stood acting screwy. 1358 Her Romeo climbed, 1359 But he wasn't well timed, 1360And half-way up, off he went -- blooey! 1361% 1362A young lad named Lester McGraw 1363Caught a stranger on top of his Maw. 1364 As he watched him stick her 1365 He said, with a snicker, 1366"You do it much faster than Paw." 1367% 1368A young lady sat by the sea, 1369Just as proper as proper could be. 1370 A young fellow goosed her, 1371 And roughly seduced her, 1372So she thanked him and went home to tea. 1373% 1374A young lady who lived by the Usk 1375Subsisted each day on a rusk; 1376 She ate the first bite 1377 Before it was light, 1378And the last crumb sometime after dusk. 1379 -- Edward Gorey 1380% 1381A young lass got married at Chester; 1382Her mother she kissed and she blessed her. 1383 Said she, "You're in luck -- 1384 'E's a stunning good fuck, 1385For I've 'ad 'im meself down in Leicester." 1386% 1387A young maiden from France was no prude, 1388She decided to dive in the nude, 1389 But her buddy, behind, 1390 Went out of his mind, 1391When he noticed where she was tatooed. 1392% 1393A young man by a girl was desired 1394To give her the thrills she required, 1395 But he died of old age 1396 Ere his cock could assuage 1397The volcanic desire it inspired. 1398% 1399A young man from the banks of the Po 1400Found his cock had elongated so, 1401 That when he'd pee 1402 It was never he 1403But only his neighbors who'd know. 1404% 1405A young man grew increasingly peaky 1406In a house where the hinges were squeaky, 1407 The ferns curled up brown, 1408 The ceilings flaked down, 1409And all of the faucets were leaky. 1410 -- Edward Gorey 1411% 1412A young man maintained that his trigger 1413Was so big that there weren't any bigger. 1414 But this long and thick pud 1415 Was so heavy it could 1416Scarcely lift up its head. It lacked vigor. 1417% 1418A young man of acumen and daring, 1419Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring, 1420 Was left quite alone 1421 When it soon became known 1422That their use at his board was unsparing. 1423 -- Edward Gorey 1424% 1425A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll 1426While bent over plucking a dingle 1427 Had the whole of Eisteddfod 1428 Taking turns at his pod 1429While they sang some impossible jingle. 1430% 1431A young man with passions quite gingery 1432Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie. 1433 He slapped her behind 1434 And made up his mind 1435To add incest to insult and injury. 1436% 1437A young polo-player of Berkeley 1438Made love to his sweetheart beserkly. 1439 In the midst of each chukker 1440 He would break off and fuck her 1441Horizontally, laterally and verkeley. 1442% 1443A young systems programmer of Sprotic 1444Found his software intensely erotic. 1445 In jealous distress 1446 He wiped his OS. 1447It's possible that he's a psychotic. 1448% 1449A young violinist from Rio 1450Was seducing a woman named Cleo. 1451 As she took down her panties 1452 She said, "No andantes; 1453I want this allegro con brio!" 1454% 1455A young wife in the outskirts of Reims 1456Preferred frigging to going to mass. 1457 Said her husband, "Take Jacques, 1458 Or any young cock, 1459For I cannot live up to your ass." 1460% 1461A young woman got married at Chester, 1462Her mother she kissed her and blessed her. 1463 Says she, "You're in luck, 1464 He's a stunning good fuck, 1465For I've had him myself down in Leicester." 1466% 1467According to experts, the oyster 1468In its shell - a crustacean cloister - 1469 May frequently be 1470 Either he or a she 1471Or both, if it should be its choice ter. 1472% 1473Alas for the Countess d'Isere, 1474Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair. 1475 Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!" 1476 When he parted her thighs; 1477"Magnifique! Pourtant pas de la guerre." 1478% 1479All the female apes ran from King Kong 1480For his dong was unspeakably long. 1481 But a friendly giraffe 1482 Quaffed his yard and a half, 1483And ecstatically burst into song. 1484% 1485An aesthete from South Carolina 1486Had a cock that tickled like China, 1487 But while shooting his load 1488 It cracked like old Spode, 1489So he's bought him a Steuben vagina. 1490% 1491An agreeable girl named Miss Doves 1492Likes to jack off the young men she loves. 1493 She will use her bare fist 1494 If the fellows insist 1495But she really prefers to wear gloves. 1496% 1497An AI researcher named Bluth 1498Wrote, to find out the sexual truth, 1499 Eroticon VI, 1500 Which he taught certain tricks 1501Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth. 1502% 1503An amazon giantess named Dunne 1504Let a midget screw her for fun. 1505 But the poor little runt 1506 Was engulfed in her cunt 1507And re-born as the twin of his son. 1508% 1509An ambitious lady named Harriet 1510Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot 1511 By seventeen sailors 1512 A monk and three tailors, 1513Mohammed and Judas Iscariot. 1514% 1515An anonymous woman we knew 1516Was dozing one day in her pew; 1517 When the preacher yelled "Sin!" 1518 She said, "Count me in 1519As soon as the service is through." 1520% 1521An architect fellow named Yoric 1522Could, when feeling euphoric, 1523 Display for selection 1524 Three kinds of erection- 1525Corinthian, ionic, and doric. 1526% 1527An architect fellow named Yoric 1528Could, when feeling euphoric, 1529 Display for selection 1530 Three kinds of erection- 1531Corinthian,ionic,and doric. 1532% 1533An ardent young man named Magruder 1534Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda. 1535 She thought it quite lewd 1536 To be wooed in the nude, 1537But magruder was shrewder, he screwed her. 1538% 1539An Argentine gaucho named Bruno 1540Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know. 1541 Women are fine 1542 And sheep are divine 1543But llamas are numero uno." 1544% 1545An ARPAnaut name of Corvette 1546Had a fetish involving the net. 1547 As he fondled his IMP 1548 His cock went from limp 1549To as hard as concrete which has set. 1550% 1551An arrogant wench from Salt Lake 1552Liked to tease all the boys on the make. 1553 She was finally the prize 1554 Of a man twice her size 1555And all she recalls is the ache. 1556% 1557An artist who lived in Australia 1558Once painted his ass like a Dahlia. 1559 The drawing was fine, 1560 The colour - devine, 1561The scent - ah, that was a failia. 1562% 1563An artist who lived in Australia 1564Once painted his ass like a Dahlia. 1565 The drawing was fine, 1566 The colour - divine, 1567The scent - ah, that was a failia. 1568% 1569An eager young hacker named Gus 1570Once buggered a VAX Unibus. 1571 The hardware went bad, 1572 But not the young lad 1573(Except for the toupee and truss). 1574% 1575An eager young hacker named Gus 1576Once buggered a VAX Unibus. 1577 The hardware went bad, 1578 But not the young lad 1579He didn't expect all that fuss! 1580% 1581An Edwardian father named Udgeon, 1582Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon, 1583 Used on Saturday nights 1584 To turn down the lights, 1585And chase them around with a bludgeon. 1586 -- Edward Gorey 1587% 1588An envious girl named McMeanus 1589Was jealous of her lover's big penis. 1590 It was small consolation 1591 That the rest of the nation 1592Of women were with her in weeness. 1593% 1594An exotic young lady named Suki 1595Once danced in a troupe of kabuki 1596 When asked for a fuck 1597 She said, "Solly, no luck-- 1598See here: looky looky, no nuki " 1599% 1600An impish young fellow named James 1601Had a passion for idiot games. 1602 He lighted the hair 1603 Of his lady's affair 1604And laughed as she pissed through the flames. 1605% 1606An impotent Scot named MacDougall 1607Had to husband his sperm and be frugal. 1608 He was gathering semen 1609 To gender a he-man, 1610By screwing his wife through a bugle. 1611% 1612An incautious young woman named Venn 1613Was seen with the wrong sort of men; 1614 She vanished one day, 1615 But the following May 1616Her legs were retrieved from a fen. 1617 -- Edward Gorey 1618% 1619An indefatigable woman named Bavel 1620Had often occasion to travel; 1621 On the way she would sit 1622 And furiously knit, 1623And on the way back she'd unravel. 1624 -- Edward Gorey 1625% 1626An ingenious young man in South Bend 1627Made a synthetic ass for a friend, 1628 But the friend shortly found 1629 Its construction unsound, 1630It was simply a bother -- no end. 1631% 1632An innocent maiden named Herridge 1633Was cruelly tricked ito marriage; 1634 When she later found out 1635 What her spouse was about, 1636She threw herself under a carriage. 1637 -- Edward Gorey 1638% 1639An inquisitive virgin named Dora 1640Asked the man who started to bore 'er : 1641 "Do you mean birds and bees 1642 Go through antics like these, 1643To suppy us our fauna and flora?" 1644% 1645An irate young lady named Booker 1646Told her husband, "You beast, I'm no hooker! 1647 If you want it queer ways, 1648 Go to whores for your lays!" 1649So he packed up his tool and forsook 'er. 1650% 1651An octagenerian Jew 1652To his wife remained steadfastly true. 1653 This was not from compunction, 1654 But due to dysfunction 1655Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you. 1656% 1657An old couple just at Shrovetide 1658Were having a piece -- when he died. 1659 The wife for a week 1660 Sat tight on his peak, 1661And bounced up and down as she cried. 1662% 1663An old electronic designer 1664Had designs on a minor named Dinah. 1665 He couldn't carry them out 1666 For his prick was too stout, 1667And too small was the minor's vagina. 1668% 1669An old gentleman's crotchets and quibblings 1670Were a terrible trial to his siblings, 1671 But he was not removed 1672 Till one day it was proved 1673That the bell-ropes were damp with his dribblings. 1674 -- Edward Gorey 1675% 1676An old maid who had a pet ape 1677Lived in fear of perpetual rape. 1678 His red, hairy phallus 1679 So filled her with malice 1680That she sealed up her snatch with Scotch tape. 1681% 1682An old man at the Folies Bergere 1683Had a jock, a most wondrous affair: 1684 It snipped off a twat-curl 1685 From each new chorus girl, 1686And he had a wig made of the hair. 1687% 1688An organist playing in York 1689Had a prick that could hold a small fork, 1690 And between obbligatos 1691 He'd munch at tomatoes, 1692To keep up his strength while at work. 1693% 1694An orgasmic young sex star named Sue 1695Was a hit as she writhed to a screw. 1696 Her climatic fame spread 1697 With an ad blitz that said: 1698Coming soon at a theater near you! 1699% 1700An uptight young lady named Breerley 1701Who valued her morals too dearly 1702 Had sex, so I hear, 1703 Only once every year, 1704And she strained her vagina severely. 1705% 1706And earnest young woman in Thrace 1707Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!" 1708 So he gave her a thwack, 1709 And did on her back, 1710What he couldn't have done face to face. 1711% 1712And then there's the story that's fraught 1713With disaster -- of balls that got caught, 1714 When a chap took a crap 1715 In the woods, and a trap 1716Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought! 1717% 1718As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops 1719Is a kinky old butcher named Pops. 1720 Since he thinks it's effete 1721 To be beating his meat, 1722What he's into is licking his chops. 1723% 1724As he came in his chubby choirboy, 1725Father Burke said, "There's no greater joy! 1726 If no sodomy levens 1727 And possible heavens, 1728Existence will merely annoy." 1729% 1730As the breeches-buoy swing towards the rocks, 1731Its occupant cried, "Save my socks! 1732 I could not bear the loss, 1733 For with scarlet silk floss 1734My mama has embroidered their clocks." 1735 -- Edward Gorey 1736% 1737As tourists inspected the apse 1738An ominous series of raps 1739 Came from under the altar, 1740 Which caused some to falter 1741And others to shriek and collapse. 1742 -- Edward Gorey 1743% 1744Asked a supplicant priest of the pontiff, 1745"Do I sin if I do what I want, if 1746 I screw a young nun 1747 In the eastertide sun?" 1748His holiness murmured, "Gut yontiff." 1749% 1750At a contest for farting in Butte 1751One lady's exertion was cute : 1752 It won the diploma 1753 For fetid aroma, 1754And three judges were felled by the brute. 1755% 1756At a dance, a girl from Connecticut 1757Showed an absolute absence of etiquette 1758 Letting all comers press 1759 Through the skirt of her dress 1760And wiping the mess with her petticoat. 1761% 1762At the end of all civilization 1763Is the planet Terminus's location. 1764 There's a girl there whose feat, 1765 Without stone or concrete, 1766Nonetheless, was to lay the Foundation. 1767% 1768At the moment Japan declared war 1769A sailor was fucking a whore. 1770 He said, "After this poke 1771 `Long and hard' ain't no joke; 1772This means months 'til I get back ashore." 1773% 1774At the Villa Nemetia the sleepers 1775Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers; 1776 It beats all night long 1777 A dirge on a gong 1778As it staggers about in the creepers. 1779 -- Edward Gorey 1780% 1781At Vassar, sex isn't injurious, 1782Though of love we are never penurious. 1783 Thanks to vulcanized aids, 1784 Though we may die old maids, 1785At least we shall never die curious. 1786% 1787At whist drives and strawberry teas 1788Fan would giggle and show off her knees; 1789 But when she was alone 1790 She'd drink eau de cologne, 1791And weep from a sense of unease. 1792 -- Edward Gorey 1793% 1794Augustus, for slpashing his soup, 1795Was put for the night on the stoop; 1796 In the morning he'd not 1797 Repented a jot, 1798And next day he was dead of the croup. 1799 -- Edward Gorey 1800% 1801Augustus, for splashing his soup, 1802Was put for the night on the stoop; 1803 In the morning he'd not 1804 Repented a jot, 1805And next day he was dead of the croup. 1806 -- Edward Gorey 1807% 1808Back in the days of old Adam 1809The grass served as mattress for madam, 1810 And they spent the whole day 1811 On the sex that today 1812They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em. 1813% 1814Each Friday his engines abort, 1815But Scotty is never caught short. 1816 He fills his machines 1817 With space-navy beans, 1818And farts the ship back into port. 1819% 1820Each night Father fills me with dread 1821When he sits on the foot of my bed; 1822 I'd not mind that he speaks 1823 In gibbers and squeaks, 1824But for the seventeen years he's been dead. 1825 -- Edward Gorey 1826% 1827Each night Father fills me with dread 1828When he sits on the foot ofmy bed; 1829 I'd not mind that he speaks 1830 In gibbers and squeaks, 1831But for the seventeen years he's been dead. 1832 -- Edward Gorey 1833% 1834From deep in the crypt at St. Giles 1835Came a bellow that echoed for miles. 1836 Said the rector, "My gracious, 1837 Has Father Ignatius 1838Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?" 1839% 1840From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews, 1841There is really abominable news; 1842 They've discovered a head 1843 In the box for the bread, 1844But nobody seems to know whose. 1845 -- Edward Gorey 1846% 1847From the bathing machine came a din 1848As of jollification within; 1849 It was heard far and wide, 1850 And the incoming tide 1851Had a definite flavour of gin. 1852 -- Edward Gorey 1853% 1854"Fucked by the finger of Fate!" 1855Bewailed a young fellow named Tate. 1856 "Since dating Miss Baugh, 1857 My whole tongue has been raw-- 1858It must have been something I ate." 1859% 1860In the case of a lady named Frost, 1861Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost, 1862 It's the best part of valor 1863 To bugger the gal, or 1864You're apt to fall in and get lost. 1865% 1866In the Garden of Eden lay Adam, 1867Complacently stroking his madam, 1868 And loud was his mirth 1869 For on all of the earth 1870There were only two balls -- and he had 'em. 1871% 1872In the garden of Eden lay Adam, 1873Complacently stroking his madam 1874 And loud was his mirth 1875 For on all of the earth 1876There were only two balls and he had'em. 1877% 1878In the little French town of Le'Beau, 1879Lived a maiden exceedingly droll. 1880 At a masquerade ball, 1881 Clad in nothing at all, 1882She backed in as a Parker house roll. 1883% 1884It always delights me at Hank's 1885To walk up the old river banks. 1886 One time in the grass 1887 I stepped on an ass, 1888And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks." 1889% 1890It had snowed, and the man in the drift, 1891Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?" 1892 They sat in her Bentley, 1893 She fondled him gently, 1894And the lift that he'd asked for was swift! 1895% 1896The late Brigham Young was no neuter -- 1897No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter. 1898 Where ten thousand virgins 1899 Succumbed to his urgin's 1900There now stands the great State of Utah. 1901% 1902The latest reports from Good Hope 1903State that apes there have pricks thick as rope, 1904 And fuck high, wide, and free, 1905 From the top of one tree 1906To the top of the next -- what a scope! 1907% 1908The limerick, a verse form iniquitous, 1909Has nonetheless been ubiquitous. 1910 Once Congress in session, 1911 Declared its suppression, 1912But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter. 1913% 1914The limerick is furtive and mean; 1915You must keep her in close quarantine, 1916 Or she sneaks to the slums 1917 And promptly becomes 1918Disorderly, drunk, and obscene. 1919 -- Morris Bishop 1920% 1921The limerick is furtive and mean; 1922You must keep her in close quarantine, 1923 Or she sneaks to the slums 1924 And promptly becomes 1925Disorderly, drunk, and obscene. 1926 -- Morris Bishop 1927% 1928The old archeologist, Throstle, 1929Discovered a marvelous fossil. 1930 He knew from its bend 1931 And the knot on the end, 1932T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle. 1933% 1934There a young man from the Coast 1935Who had an affair with a ghost. 1936 At the height of orgasm 1937 Said the pallid phantasm, 1938"I think I can feel it -- almost!" 1939% 1940There once was a bishop from Birmingham 1941Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em. 1942 As they knelt on the hassock 1943 He lifted his cassock 1944And slipped his episcopal worm in 'em. 1945% 1946There once was a boy named Carruthers 1947Who was busily fucking his mother 1948 "I know it's a sin," 1949 He said, shoving it in, 1950"But it's better than blowing my brother." 1951% 1952There once was a chick named Longet, 1953Who went out to Aspen to play. 1954 Along came a Spyder, 1955 Who sat down beside her 1956And she blew the poor bastard away. 1957% 1958There once was a clergyman's daughter 1959Who detested the pony he bought her, 1960 Till she found that its dong 1961 Was as hard and as long 1962As the prayers her father had taught her. 1963 1964She married a fellow named Tony 1965Who soon found her fucking the pony. 1966 Said he, "What's it got, 1967 My dear, that I've not?" 1968Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna." 1969% 1970There once was a couple named Kelley, 1971Who lived their life belly to belly. 1972 Because in their haste 1973 They used library paste, 1974Instead of petroleum jelly. 1975% 1976There once was a couple named Kelly 1977Who walked around belly-to-belly. 1978 It seems in their haste, 1979 They used Carter's paste 1980Instead of petroleum jelly. 1981% 1982There once was a dentist named Stone 1983Who saw all his patients alone. 1984 In a fit of depravity 1985 He filled the wrong cavity, 1986And my, how his practice has grown! 1987% 1988There once was a Duchess of Beever 1989Who slept with her golden retriever. 1990 Said the potted old Duke : 1991 "Such tricks make me puke! 1992Were it not for her money, I'd leave her." 1993% 1994There once was a Duchess of Bruges 1995Whose cunt was incredibly huge. 1996 Said the king to this dame 1997 As he thunderously came: 1998"Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!" 1999% 2000There once was a fag of Khartoom 2001Who spent the night in a Lesbians room. 2002 They argued all night, 2003 Over who had the right, 2004To do what, and with which, and to whom. 2005% 2006There once was a fairy named Avers 2007Who encircled his cock with lifesavers. 2008 Though buggers all claimed 2009 That their asses were maimed, 2010Sixy-niners all cheered the new flavors. 2011% 2012There once was a fellow named Bob 2013Who in sexual ways was a snob. 2014 One day he was swimmin' 2015 With twelve naked women 2016And deserted them all for a gob. 2017% 2018There once was a fellow named Brewster 2019Who said to his wife, as he goosed her, 2020 "It used to be grand 2021 But look at my hand 2022You're not wiping as clean as ya uster." 2023% 2024There once was a fellow named Howard, 2025Whose tool it was nuclear-powered, 2026 While grabbing some ass, 2027 He reached critical mass, 2028But think of the girl he deflowered! 2029% 2030There once was a fellow named Potts 2031Who was prone to having the trots 2032 But his humble abode 2033 Was without a commode 2034So his carpet was covered with spots. 2035% 2036There once was a fellow named Siegel 2037Who attempted to bugger a beagle, 2038 But the mettlesome bitch 2039 Turned and said with a twitch, 2040"It's fun, but you know it's illegal." 2041% 2042There once was a fellow named Sweeney 2043Who spilled gin all over his weenie. 2044 Not being uncouth, 2045 He added vermouth 2046And slipped his amour a martini. 2047% 2048There once was a fencer named Fisk, 2049Whose speed was incredibly brisk. 2050 So fast was his action, 2051 The Fitzgerald contraction, 2052Foreshortended his foil to a disk. 2053% 2054There once was a fiesty young terrier 2055Who liked to bite girls on the derriere. 2056 He'd yip and he'd yap, 2057 Then leap up and snap; 2058And the fairer the derriere the merrier. 2059% 2060There once was a floozie named Annie 2061Whose prices were cosy--but cannie: 2062 A buck for a fuck, 2063 Fifty cents for a suck, 2064And a dime for a feel of her fanny. 2065% 2066There once was a freshman named Lin, 2067Whose tool was as thin as a pin, 2068 A virgin named Joan 2069 From a bible belt home, 2070Said "This won't be much of a sin." 2071% 2072There once was a gangster named Brown 2073- the sneakiest bastard in town. 2074 He was caught by G-men 2075 Shooting his semen 2076Where the cops would slip and fall down. 2077% 2078There once was a gaucho named Bruno, 2079Who said, "About sex, well, I do know, 2080 Sheep are just fine, 2081 Chickens, divine, 2082But iguanas are Numero Uno." 2083% 2084There once was a gay young Parisian 2085Who screwed an appendix incision, 2086 And the girl of his choice 2087 Could hardly rejoice 2088At the horrible lack of precision. 2089% 2090There once was a girl from Cornell 2091Whose teats were shaped like a bell. 2092 When you touched them they shrunk, 2093 Except when she was drunk, 2094And then they got bigger than hell. 2095% 2096There once was a girl from Decatur, 2097Who got laid by a big alligator. 2098 Now nobody knew 2099 The result of that screw, 2100'Cause after he laid her, he ate her. 2101% 2102There once was a girl from Madras 2103Who had such a beautiful ass - 2104 It was not round and pink 2105 ( as you bastards think ) 2106But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass. 2107% 2108There once was a girl from Madras 2109Who had such a beautiful ass - 2110 It was not round and pink 2111 (As you bastards think) 2112But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass. 2113% 2114There once was a girl from Spokane, 2115Went to bed with a one-legged man. 2116 She said, "I know you-- 2117 You've really got two! 2118Why didn't you say so when we began?" 2119% 2120There once was a girl named Irene 2121Who lived on distilled kerosene 2122 But she started absorbin' 2123 A new hydrocarbon 2124And since then has never benzene. 2125% 2126There once was a girl named Louise 2127Who cunt hair hung down to her knees 2128 The crabs in her twat 2129 Tied the hairs in a knot 2130And constructed a flying trapeze 2131% 2132There once was a girl named Mcgoffin 2133Who was diddled amazingly often. 2134 She was rogered by scores 2135 Who'd been turned down by whores, 2136And was finally screwed in her coffin. 2137% 2138There once was a girl named Priscilla 2139Whose vagina was flavored vanilla. 2140 The taste was so fine 2141 Man and beast stood in line 2142(Including a stud armadilla). 2143% 2144There once was a girl so lovely, 2145Who wanted to make love in the bubbly, 2146 She strapped on her tanks, 2147 And started her pranks, 2148But the lobsters all thought she was ugly. 2149% 2150There once was a golfer named Leer, 2151Who got put in the clink for a year, 2152 For an action obscene, 2153 On the very first green. 2154Where the sign said "Enter course here." 2155% 2156There once was a gouty old colonel 2157Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal, 2158 And he cried in his tiffin 2159 For his prick wouldn't stiffen, 2160And the size of the thing was infernal. 2161% 2162There once was a guardsman from Buckingham 2163Who said, "As for girls, I hate fucking 'em. 2164 But when I meet boys, 2165 God! how I enjoys 2166Just licking their peckers and sucking 'em." 2167% 2168There once was a hacker named Ken 2169Who inherited truckloads of Yen. 2170 So he built him some chicks, 2171 Of silicon chips, 2172And hasn't been heard from since then. 2173% 2174There once was a handsome young seaman 2175Who with ladies was really a demon. 2176 In peace or in war, 2177 At sea or on shore, 2178He could certainly dish out the semen. 2179% 2180There once was a horny old bitch 2181With a motorized self-frigger which 2182 She would use with delight 2183 All day long and all night - 2184Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch. 2185% 2186There once was a horse named Lily 2187Whose dingus was really a dilly. 2188 It was vaginoid duply, 2189 And labial quadruply -- 2190In fact, he was really a filly. 2191% 2192There once was a husky young Viking 2193Whose sexual prowess was striking. 2194 Every time he got hot 2195 He would scour the twat 2196Of some girl that might be to his liking. 2197% 2198There once was a jolly old bloke 2199Who picked up a girl for a poke. 2200 He took down her pants, 2201 Fucked her into a trance, 2202And then shit into her shoe for a joke. 2203% 2204There once was a kiddie named Carr 2205Caught a man on top of his mar. 2206 As he saw him stick 'er, 2207 He said with a snicker, 2208"You do it much faster than par." 2209% 2210There once was a lady from Exeter, 2211So pretty that men craned their necks at her. 2212 One was even so brave 2213 As to take out and wave 2214The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. 2215% 2216There once was a lady from Kansas 2217Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas. 2218 It was nine inches deep 2219 And the sides were quite steep -- 2220It had whiskers like General Carranza's. 2221% 2222There once was a lady named Carter, 2223Fell in love with a virile young Tartar. 2224 She stripped off his pants, 2225 At his prick quickly glanced, 2226And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!" 2227% 2228There once was a lady named Clair, 2229Who posessed a magnificent pair. 2230 Or that's what I thought, 2231 Till I saw one get caught, 2232On a thorn and begin losing air. 2233% 2234There once was a lady named Myrtle 2235Who had an affair with a turtle. 2236 She had crabs, so they say, 2237 In a year and a day 2238Which proved that that turtle was fertile. 2239% 2240There once was a lawyer named Rex 2241With minuscule organs of sex. 2242 Arraigned for exposure, 2243 He maintained with composure, 2244"De minimis non curat lex." 2245 2246 [Trans: the law does not concern itself with small things. Ed.] 2247% 2248There once was a lifeguard named Lee 2249Who rescued a girl from the sea 2250 She asked how to pay, 2251 And he said "Try this way, 2252Go down for the third time on me." 2253% 2254There once was a maid from Mobile 2255Whose cunt was made of blue steel. 2256 She only got thrills 2257 From pneumatic drills 2258And an off-centered emery wheel. 2259% 2260There once was a man from Bombay 2261He would do it all night and all day 2262 He soon became sore 2263 You shoulda' heard him roar 2264When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay! 2265% 2266There once was a man from Calcutta 2267Who used to beat off in the gutta 2268 The heat of the sun 2269 Affected his gun 2270And turned all his cream into butta! 2271% 2272There once was a man from Dunoon, 2273Who always ate soup with a fork. 2274 He said "When I eat 2275 Either fish, foul or flesh, 2276I otherwise finish too quick." 2277% 2278There once was a man from Exameter 2279Who had a prodigious diameter 2280 But it wasn't the size 2281 That brought forth the cries 2282'Twas his rythm, iambic pentameter. 2283% 2284There once was a man from Madras, 2285Whose balls were made out of brass. 2286 When they clanged together, 2287 They played "Stormy Weather", 2288And lightning shot out of his ass. 2289% 2290There once was a man from Nantee 2291Who buggered an ape in a tree. 2292 The results were most horrid 2293 All ass and no forehead 2294Three balls and a purple goatee. 2295% 2296There once was a man from Nantucket 2297Who kept all his cash in a bucket. 2298 His daughter, named Nan, 2299 Ran away with a man, 2300And as for the bucket, Nantucket. 2301 2302The pair of them went to Manhasset, 2303(Nan and the man with the asset.) 2304 Pa followed them there, 2305 But they left in a tear, 2306And as for the asset, Manhasset. 2307 2308Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket, 2309(Nan and the man with the bucket.) 2310 Pa said to the man, 2311 "You're welcome to Nan." 2312But as for the bucket, Pawtucket. 2313% 2314There once was a man from Nantucket, 2315Whose cock was so long he could suck it. 2316 He said with a grin, 2317 As he wiped off his chin, 2318If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it! 2319% 2320There once was a man from Nantucket 2321Whose dick was so long he could suck it. 2322 He said with a grin 2323 As he wiped off his chin, 2324"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it." 2325% 2326There once was a man from Racine, 2327Who invented a screwing machine. 2328 Both concave and convex, 2329 It could please either sex, 2330But, oh, what a bastard to clean! 2331% 2332There once was a man from Sandem 2333Who was making his girl on a tandem. 2334 At the peak of the make 2335 She jammed on the brake 2336And scattered his semen at random. 2337% 2338There once was a man from Sydney 2339Who could put it up to her kidney. 2340 But the man from Quebec 2341 Put it up to her neck; 2342He had a big one, now didn't he? 2343% 2344There once was a man named Lodge, 2345who had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. 2346 When his date was strapped in, 2347 He committed a sin, 2348without ever leaving the garage. 2349% 2350There once was a man named McGruder, 2351Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder. 2352 But the girl thought it crude, 2353 To be wooed in the nude, 2354So McGru took an oar and subduder. 2355% 2356There once was a man named McSweeny 2357Who spilled lots of gin on his weeney 2358 So just to be couth 2359 He added vermouth 2360And slipped his best girl a martini. 2361% 2362There once was a man named McSweeny 2363Who spilled some raw gin on his weeny. 2364 Just to be couth, 2365 He added vermouth, 2366And slipped his girlfriend a martini. 2367% 2368There once was a man named Parridge 2369With peculiar views on marriage. 2370 He sucked off his brother, 2371 Fucked his own mother, 2372And gobbled his sister's miscarriage. 2373% 2374There once was a man with a hernia 2375Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya, 2376 When you work on my middle 2377 Be sure you don't fiddle 2378With things that do not concern ya." 2379% 2380There once was a member of Mensa 2381Who was a most excellent fencer. 2382 The sword that he used 2383 Was his -- (line is refused, 2384And has now been removed by the censor). 2385% 2386There once was a miner named Dave, 2387Who kept a dead whore in his cave. 2388 She was ugly as shit, 2389 And missing one tit, 2390But think of the money he saves. 2391% 2392There once was a monk of Camyre 2393Who was seized with a carnal desire 2394 And the primary cause 2395 Was the abbess's drawers 2396Which were hung up to dry by the fire. 2397% 2398There once was a newspaper vendor, 2399A person of dubious gender. 2400 He would charge one-and-two 2401 For permission to view 2402His remarkable double pudenda. 2403% 2404There once was a plumber from Leigh 2405Who was plumbing his maid by the sea. 2406 Said she, "Please stop plumbing, 2407 I think someone's coming!" 2408Said he, "Yes, I know love, it's me." 2409% 2410There once was a pretty young Mrs. 2411Whose tearful but short story thrs. 2412 Her mind lost its grasp - 2413 Now she thinks she's an asp 2414And just sits in the corner and hrs. 2415% 2416There once was a queen of Bulgaria 2417Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, 2418 Till a prince from Peru 2419 Who came up for a screw 2420Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier. 2421% 2422There once was a reverend at Kings 2423Whose mind 'twas on heavenly things. 2424 But his heart was on fire 2425 For a boy in the choir 2426Whose buns were like jelly on springs. 2427% 2428There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel 2429Who said, "They can all go to hell! 2430 What they do to my wife -- 2431 Why it ruins my life; 2432And the worst is they all do it well." 2433% 2434There once was a sailor named Gasted, 2435A swell guy, as long as he lasted, 2436 He could jerk himself off 2437 In a basket, aloft, 2438Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead. 2439% 2440There once was a Scot named McAmeter 2441With a tool of prodigious diameter. 2442 It was not the size 2443 That cause such surprise; 2444'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter. 2445% 2446There once was a son-of-a-bitch, 2447Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich, 2448 Yet the girls he would dazzle, 2449 And fuck to a frazzle, 2450And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch! 2451% 2452There once was a spaceman named Spock 2453Who had a huge Vulcanized cock. 2454 A girl from Missouri 2455 Whose name was Uhura 2456Just fainted away from the shock. 2457% 2458There once was a Swede in Minneapolis, 2459Discovered his sex life was hapless: 2460 The more he would screw 2461 The more he'd want to, 2462And he feared he would soon be quite sapless. 2463% 2464There once was a Usenetter named Mark, 2465Whose gender was kept in the dark. 2466 He/she/it said with a nod, 2467 "My ancestors were odd!" 2468Did Noah need two for the ark? 2469% 2470There once was a whore from Regina 2471Who had a stupendous vagina. 2472 To save herself time, 2473 She had six at a time, 2474And another one working behind her. 2475% 2476There once was a woman from Arden 2477Who sucked off a man in a garden. 2478 He said, "My dear Flo, 2479 Where does all that stuff go?" 2480And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?" 2481% 2482There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield 2483Engaged to look after the deacon's field, 2484 But he lurked in the ditches 2485 And diddled the bitches 2486Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field. 2487% 2488There once was a young fellow named Blaine, 2489And he screwed some disgusting old jane. 2490 She was ugly and smelly, 2491 With an awful pot-belly, 2492But... well, they were caught in the rain. 2493% 2494There once was a young girl from Natches 2495Who chanced to be born with two snatches 2496 She often said, "Shit! 2497 I'd give either tit 2498For a guy with equipment that matches." 2499% 2500There once was a young man from Boston 2501Who drove around town in an Austin, 2502 There was room for his ass, 2503 And a gallon of gas, 2504So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em. 2505% 2506There once was a young man from France 2507Who waited ten years for his chance; 2508Then he muffed it... 2509% 2510There once was a young man from Yuma 2511Who attempted sex with a puma 2512 He gave up real quick 2513 Minus nose, toes, and prick 2514In obvious pain and ill huma. 2515% 2516There once was a young man from Yuma, 2517Who told an elephant joke to a puma. 2518 Now his dry bleached bones lie, 2519 Under hot Asian skies, 2520'Cause the puma had no sense of huma. 2521% 2522There once was a young man named Clyde 2523Who fell in an outhouse, and died. 2524 He had a twin brother 2525 Who fell in another 2526And now they're interred side by side. 2527% 2528There once was a young man named Gene, 2529Who invented a screwing machine. 2530 Concave and convex, 2531 It served either sex, 2532And it played with itself inbetween. 2533% 2534There once was a young man named Lancelot 2535Whom the townsfolk would look at askance a lot 2536 For when he should pass 2537 A desirable lass 2538The front of his pants would advance a lot. 2539% 2540There once was an Arpanet freak, 2541Who better response-time did seek. 2542 He searched coast to coast, 2543 For a reliable host, 2544Whose logger took less than a week. 2545% 2546There once was an old man from Esser, 2547Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser. 2548 It at last grew so small, 2549 He knew nothing at all, 2550And now he's a College Professor. 2551% 2552There once were two brothers named Luntz 2553Who buggered each other at once. 2554 When asked to account 2555 For this intricate mount, 2556They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts." 2557% 2558There once were two women from Birmingham. 2559And this is the story concerning 'em. 2560 They lifted the frock 2561 And fondled the cock 2562Of the bishop as he was confirming 'em. 2563% 2564There was a bluestocking in Florence 2565Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents, 2566 Till a Spanish grandee, 2567 Got her off with his knee, 2568And she burned all her works with abhorrence. 2569% 2570There was a family named Doe, 2571An ideal family to know. 2572 As father screwed mother, 2573 She said, "You're heavier than brother." 2574And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!" 2575% 2576There was a fat lady of China 2577Who'd a really enormous vagina, 2578 And when she was dead 2579 They painted it red, 2580And used it for docking a liner. 2581% 2582There was a fat man from Rangoon 2583Whose prick was much like a ballon. 2584 He tried hard to ride her 2585 And when finally inside her 2586She thought she was pregnant too soon. 2587% 2588There was a gay countess of Bray, 2589And you may think it odd when I say, 2590 That in spite of high station, 2591 Rank and education, 2592She always spelled cunt with a 'k'. 2593% 2594There was a gay countess of Bray, 2595And you may think it odd when I say, 2596 That in spite of high station, 2597 Rank and education, 2598She always spelled cunt with a 'k'. 2599% 2600There was a gay dog from Ontario 2601Who fancied himself a Lothario. 2602 At a wench's glance 2603 He'd snatch off his pants 2604And make for her Mons Venerio. 2605% 2606There was a gay parson of Norton 2607Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un. 2608 To make up for this loss, 2609 He had balls like a horse, 2610And never spent less than a quartern. 2611% 2612There was a gay parson of Tooting 2613Whose roe he was frequently shooting, 2614 Till he married a lass 2615 With a face like my arse, 2616And a cunt you could put a top-boot in. 2617% 2618There was a girl from Aberystwyth 2619Who brought grain to the mill to get grist with. 2620 The miller's son Jack 2621 Laid her flat on her back 2622And united the organs they pissed with. 2623% 2624There was a lewd fellow named Duff 2625Who loved to dive deep in the muff. 2626 With his head in a whirl 2627 He said, "Spread it, Pearl; 2628I cunt get enough of the stuff!" 2629% 2630There was a man from Mich. 2631Who used to wish and wich. 2632 That spring would come 2633 So he could bum 2634Around and go out fich. 2635% 2636There was a pianist named Liszt 2637Who played with one hand while he pissed, 2638 But as he grew older 2639 His technique grew bolder, 2640And in concert jacked off with his fist. 2641% 2642There was a poor parson from Goring, 2643Who made a small hole in his flooring, 2644 Fur-lined it all round, 2645 Then laid on the ground, 2646And declared it was cheaper than whoring. 2647% 2648There was a strong man of Drumrig 2649Who one day did seven times frig. 2650 He buggered three sailors, 2651 Four dogs and two tailors, 2652And ended by fucking a pig. 2653% 2654There was a teenager named Donna 2655Who never said, "No, I don't wanna." 2656 Two days out of three 2657 She would shoot LSD, 2658And on weekends she smoked marijuana. 2659% 2660There was a young belle of old Natchez 2661Whose garments were always in patchez. 2662 When comment arose 2663 On the state of her clothes 2664She, drawled, "When ah itchez, ah scratchez." 2665% 2666There was a young blade from South Greece 2667Whose bush did so greatly increase 2668 That before he could shack 2669 He must hunt needle in stack. 2670'Twas as bad as being obese. 2671% 2672There was a young bride, a Canuck, 2673Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck. 2674 You say that I, maybe, 2675 Can have my first baby-- 2676Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!" 2677% 2678There was a young bride of Antigua 2679Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!" 2680 Said the girl, "What damn'd rot! 2681 Why, you've only felt my twot, 2682My legs and my arse and my figua!" 2683% 2684There was a young chap in Arabia 2685Who courted a widow named Fabia. 2686 "Yes, my tongue is as long 2687 As the average man's dong," 2688He said, licking the lips of her labia. 2689% 2690There was a young cook with the art 2691Of making a delicious tart 2692 With a handful of shit, 2693 Some snot and some spit, 2694And he'd flavor the whole with a fart. 2695% 2696There was a young curate whose brain 2697Was deranged from the use of cocaine; 2698 He lured a small child 2699 To a copse dark and wild, 2700Where he beat it to death with his cane. 2701 -- Edward Gorey 2702% 2703There was a young damsel named Baker 2704Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker. 2705 He yelled, "My God! what 2706 Do you call this -- a twat? 2707Why, the entrance is more than an acre!" 2708% 2709There was a young dolly named Molly 2710Who thought that to frig was a folly. 2711 Said she, "Your pee-pee 2712 Means nothing to me, 2713But I'll do it just to be jolly." 2714% 2715There was a young fellow called Clyde 2716Who fell in an outhouse and died. 2717 He had a twin brother 2718 Who fell in another 2719So now they're interred side by side. 2720% 2721There was a young fellow from Cal., 2722In bed with a passionate gal. 2723 He leapt from the bed, 2724 To the toilet he sped; 2725Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?" 2726% 2727There was a young fellow from Florida 2728Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her. 2729 When they got into bed 2730 He cried, "God strike me dead! 2731This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!" 2732% 2733There was a young fellow from Kent 2734Whose cock was so long that it bent 2735 To save himself trouble 2736 He put it in double 2737And instead of coming, he went. 2738% 2739There was a young fellow from Leeds 2740Who swallowed a package of seeds. 2741 Great tufts of grass 2742 Sprouted out of his ass 2743And his balls were all covered with weeds. 2744% 2745There was a young fellow from Parma 2746Who was solemnly screwing his charmer. 2747 Said the damsel demure, 2748 "You'll excuse me, I'm sure, 2749But I must say you fuck like a farmer." 2750% 2751There was a young fellow name Tucker 2752Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker, 2753 Said, "Don't bow out your lips 2754 Like an elephant's hips, 2755The boys like it best when they pucker." 2756% 2757There was a young fellow named Ades 2758Whose favorite fruit was young maids. 2759 But sheep, nigger boys, whores, 2760 And the knot holes in doors 2761Were by no means exempt from his raids. 2762% 2763There was a young fellow named Babbitt 2764Who could screw nine times like a rabbit, 2765 But a girl from Johore 2766 Could do it twice more, 2767Which was just enough extra to crab it. 2768% 2769There was a young fellow named Bill, 2770Who took an atomic pill, 2771 His navel corroded, 2772 His asshole exploded, 2773And they found his nuts in Brazil. 2774% 2775There was a young fellow named Blaine, 2776And he screwed some disgusting old jane. 2777 She was ugly and smelly 2778 With an awful pot-belly, 2779But... well, they were caught in the rain. 2780% 2781There was a young fellow named Bliss 2782Whose sex life was strangely amiss, 2783 For even with Venus 2784 His recalcitrant penis 2785Would never do better than t 2786 h 2787 i 2788 s 2789 . 2790% 2791There was a young fellow named Bowen 2792Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'. 2793 It grew so tremendous, 2794 So long and so pendulous, 2795'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'. 2796% 2797There was a young fellow named Brewer 2798Whose girl made her home in a sewer. 2799 Thus he, the poor soul, 2800 Could get into her hole, 2801And still not be able to screw her! 2802% 2803There was a young fellow named Case 2804Who entered a cunt-lapping race. 2805 He licked his way clean 2806 Through Number thirteen, 2807But then slipped and got pissed in the face. 2808% 2809There was a young fellow named Charteris 2810Put his hand where his young lady's garter is. 2811 Said she, "I don't mind, 2812 And higher up you'll find 2813The place where my fucker and farter is." 2814% 2815There was a young fellow named Cribbs 2816Whose cock was so big it had ribs. 2817 They were inches apart, 2818 And to suck it took art, 2819While to fuck it took forty-two trips. 2820% 2821There was a young fellow named dick 2822Who had a magnificent prick. 2823 It was shaped like a prism 2824 And shot so much gism 2825It made every cocksucker sick. 2826% 2827There was a young fellow named Feeney 2828Whose girl was a terrible meany. 2829 The hatch of her snatch 2830 Had a catch that would latch 2831- She could only be screwed by Houdini. 2832% 2833There was a young fellow named Fletcher, 2834Was reputed an infamous lecher. 2835 When he'd take on a whore 2836 She'd need a rebore, 2837And they'd carry him out on a stretcher. 2838% 2839There was a young fellow named Fyfe 2840Whose marriage was ruined for life, 2841 For he had an aversion 2842 To every perversion, 2843And only liked fucking his wife. 2844 2845Well, one year the poor woman struck, 2846And she wept, and she cursed at her luck, 2847 And said, "Where have you gotten us 2848 With your goddamn monotonous 2849Fuck after fuck after fuck? 2850 2851"I once knew a harlot named Lou -- 2852And a versatile girl she was, too. 2853 After ten years of whoredom 2854 She perished of boredom 2855When she married a jackass like you!" 2856% 2857There was a young fellow named Gene 2858Who first picked his asshole quite clean. 2859 He next picked his toes, 2860 And lastly his nose, 2861And he never did wash in between. 2862% 2863There was a young fellow named Gluck 2864Who found himself shit out of luck. 2865 Though he petted and wooed, 2866 When he tried to get screwed 2867He found virgins just don't give a fuck. 2868% 2869There was a young fellow named Goody 2870Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he? 2871 If he found himself nude 2872 With a gal in the mood 2873The question's not woody but could he? 2874% 2875There was a young fellow named Grant 2876Who was made like the sensitive plant. 2877 When they asked "Do you fuck?" 2878 He replied, "No such luck. 2879I would if I could, but I can't." 2880% 2881There was a young fellow named Grimes 2882Who fucked his girl seventeen times 2883 In the course of a week -- 2884 And this isn't to speak 2885Of assorted venereal crimes. 2886% 2887There was a young fellow named Harry, 2888Had a joint that was long, huge and scary. 2889 He grabbed him a virgin, 2890 Who, without any urgin', 2891Immediately spread like a fairy. 2892% 2893There was a young fellow named Hatch 2894Who was fond of the music of Bach. 2895 He said: "It's not fussy 2896 Like Brahms and Debussy; 2897Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch." 2898% 2899There was a young fellow named Kimble 2900Whose prick was exceedingly nimble, 2901 But fragile and slender, 2902 And dainty and tender, 2903So he kept it encased in a thimble. 2904% 2905There was a young fellow named Meek 2906Who invented a lingual technique. 2907 It drove women frantic, 2908 And made them romantic, 2909And wore all the hair off his cheek. 2910% 2911There was a young fellow named Morgan 2912Who possessed an unusual organ: 2913 The end of his dong, 2914 Which was nine inches long, 2915Was tipped with the head of a gorgon. 2916% 2917There was a young fellow named Paul 2918Who confessed, "I have only one ball. 2919 But the size of my prick 2920 Is God's dirtiest trick, 2921For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'" 2922% 2923There was a young fellow named Pell 2924Who didn't like cunt very well. 2925 He would finger or fuck one, 2926 But never would suck one-- 2927He just couldn't get used to the smell. 2928% 2929There was a young fellow named Price 2930Who dabbled in all sorts of vice. 2931 He had virgins and boys 2932 And mechanical toys, 2933And on Mondays... he meddled with mice! 2934% 2935There was a young fellow named Prynne 2936Whose prick was so short and so thin, 2937 His wife found she needed 2938 A Fuckoscope -- she did -- 2939To see if he'd gotten it in. 2940% 2941There was a young fellow named Skinner 2942Who took a young lady to dinner 2943 At a quarter to nine, 2944 They sat down to dine, 2945At twenty to ten it was in her. 2946The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner. 2947 2948There was a young fellow named Tupper 2949Who took a young lady to supper. 2950 At a quarter to nine, 2951 They sat down to dine, 2952And at twenty to ten it was up her. 2953Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner! 2954% 2955There was a young fellow named Sweeney, 2956Whose girl was a terrible meanie, 2957 The hatch of her snatch, 2958 Had a catch that would latch, 2959She could only be screwed by Houdini. 2960% 2961There was a young fellow of Burma 2962Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur. 2963 But now that he's married he's 2964 Been using cantharides 2965And the root of their love is much firmer. 2966% 2967There was a young fellow of Greenwich 2968Whose balls were all covered with spinach. 2969 He had such a tool 2970 It was wound on a spool, 2971And he reeled it out inich by inich. 2972 2973But this tale has an unhappy finich, 2974For due to the sand in the spinach 2975 His ballocks grew rough 2976 And wrecked his wife's muff, 2977And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage. 2978% 2979There was a young fellow of Harrow 2980Whose john was the size of a marrow. 2981 He said to his tart, 2982 "How's this for a start? 2983My balls are outside in a barrow." 2984% 2985There was a young fellow of Kent 2986Whose prick was so long that it bent, 2987 So to save himself trouble 2988 He put it in double, 2989And instead of coming he went. 2990% 2991There was a young fellow of Mayence 2992Who fucked his own arse in defiance 2993 Not only of custom 2994 And morals, dad-bust him, 2995But of most of the known laws of science. 2996% 2997There was a young fellow of Perth 2998Whose balls were the finest on earth. 2999 They grew to such size 3000 That one won a prize, 3001And goodness knows what they were worth. 3002% 3003There was a young fellow of Strensall 3004Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil. 3005 On the night of his wedding 3006 It went through the bedding, 3007And shattered the chamber utensil. 3008% 3009There was a young fellow of Warwick 3010Who had reason for feeling euphoric, 3011 For he could by election 3012 Have triune erection: 3013Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric. 3014% 3015There was a young fellow whose dong 3016Was prodigiously massive and long. 3017 On each side of his whang 3018 Two testes did hang 3019That attracted a curious throng. 3020% 3021There was a young gaucho named Bruno 3022Who said, "Screwing is one thing I do know. 3023 A woman is fine, 3024 And a sheep is divine, 3025But a llama is Numero Uno." 3026% 3027There was a young gaucho named Bruno 3028Who said, "There is one thing I do know, 3029 Women are fine 3030 And children devine, 3031But the llama is numero uno." 3032% 3033There was a young German named Ringer 3034Who was screwing an opera singer. 3035 Said he with a grin, 3036 "Well, I've sure got it in!" 3037Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?" 3038% 3039There was a young girl from Annista 3040Who dated a lecherous mister. 3041 He fondled her titty, 3042 Got one finger shitty, 3043Then screwed up his courage and kissed 'er. 3044% 3045There was a young girl from Decatur 3046Who was raped by an alligator. 3047 But no one quite knew 3048 How she relished that screw, 3049For after he screwed her, he ate her. 3050% 3051There was a young girl from Dundee, 3052From her fanny there grew a plum tree. 3053 No one ate the nice fruit, 3054 To tell you the truth, 3055Because they knew it came from her tooty-toot-toot. 3056% 3057There was a young girl from East Lynn 3058Whose mother ( to save her from sin ) 3059 Had filled up her crack 3060 With hard-setting shellac, 3061But the boys picked it out with a pin. 3062% 3063There was a young girl from Hong Kong 3064Who said, "You are utterly wrong 3065 To say my vagina 3066 Is the largest in China 3067Just because of your mean little dong." 3068% 3069There was a young girl from Hong Kong 3070Whose cervical cap was a gong. 3071 She said with a yell, 3072 As a shot rang her bell, 3073"I'll give you a ding for a dong!" 3074% 3075There was a young girl from Medina 3076Who could completely control her vagina. 3077 She could twist it around 3078 Like the cunts that are found 3079In Japan, Manchukuo and China. 3080% 3081There was a young girl from New York 3082Who plugged up her cunt with a cork. 3083 A woodpecker or two 3084 Made the grade it is true, 3085But it totally baffled the stork. 3086 3087Till along came a man who presented 3088A tool that was strangely indented. 3089 With a dizzying twirl 3090 He punctured that girl, 3091And thus was the cork-screw invented. 3092% 3093There was a young girl from New York 3094Who plugged up her quim with a cork 3095 A woodpecker or two 3096 Made the grade, it is true, 3097But it totally baffled the stork. 3098% 3099There was a young girl from Peru, 3100Who had nothing whatever to do. 3101 So she sat on the stairs, 3102 And counted cunt hairs, 3103Four thousand, three hundred and two. 3104% 3105There was a young girl from Peru, 3106Who noticed her lovers were few; 3107 So she walked out her door 3108 With a fig leaf, no more, 3109And now she's in bed - with the flu. 3110% 3111There was a young girl from Samoa 3112Who pledged that no man would know her. 3113 One young fellow tried, 3114 But she wriggled aside, 3115And he spilled all his spermatozoa. 3116% 3117There was a young girl from Seattle, 3118Whose hobby was sucking off cattle. 3119 But a bull from the South 3120 Shot a wad in her mouth 3121That made both her ovaries rattle. 3122% 3123There was a young girl from Siam 3124Who said to her boyfriend Priam, 3125 "To seduce me, of course, 3126 You'll have to use force, 3127And thank goodness you're stronger than I am. 3128% 3129There was a young girl from St. Cyr 3130Whose reflex reactions were queer. 3131 Her escort said, "Mable, 3132 Get up off the table; 3133That money's to pay for the beer." 3134% 3135There was a young girl from St. Paul 3136Who went to a newspaper ball. 3137 Her dress caught on fire 3138 And burnt her entire 3139Front page and sport section and all. 3140% 3141There was a young girl from the Bronix 3142Who had a vagina of onyx. 3143 She had so much `tsoris' 3144 With her clitoris, 3145She traded it in for a Packard. 3146% 3147There was a young girl from the coast 3148Who, just when she needed it most, 3149 Lost her Kotex and bled 3150 All over the bed, 3151And the head and the beard of her host. 3152% 3153There was a young girl in Berlin 3154Who eked out a living through sin. 3155 She didn't mind fucking, 3156 But much preferred sucking, 3157And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin. 3158% 3159There was a young girl in Berlin 3160Who was fucked by an elderly Finn. 3161 Though he diddled his best, 3162 And fucked her with zest, 3163She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?" 3164% 3165There was a young girl in Dakota 3166Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her: 3167 "In addition to gas 3168 We are rationing ass, 3169And you've greatly exceeded your quota." 3170% 3171There was a young girl name McKnight 3172Who got drunk with her boy-friend one night. 3173 She came to in bed, 3174 With a split maidenhead-- 3175That's the last time she ever was tight. 3176% 3177There was a young girl named Ann Heuser 3178Who swore that no man could surprise her. 3179 But Pabst took a chance, 3180 Found a Schlitz in her pants, 3181And now she is sadder Budweiser. 3182% 3183There was a young girl named Heather 3184Whose twitcher was made out of leather. 3185 She made a queer noise, 3186 Which attracted the boys, 3187By flapping the edges together. 3188% 3189There was a young girl named McCall 3190Whose cunt was exceedingly small, 3191 But the size of her anus 3192 Was something quite heinous -- 3193It could hold seven pricks and one ball. 3194% 3195There was a young girl named O'Clare 3196Whose body was covered with hair. 3197 It was really quite fun 3198 To probe with one's gun, 3199For her quimmy might be anywhere. 3200% 3201There was a young girl named O'Malley 3202Who wanted to dance in the ballet. 3203 She got roars of applause 3204 When she kicked off her drawers, 3205But her hair and her bush didn't tally. 3206% 3207There was a young girl named Saphire 3208Who succumbed to her lovers desire. 3209 She said, "It's a sin, 3210 But now that it's in, 3211Could you shove it a few inches higher?" 3212% 3213There was a young girl named Sapphire 3214Who succumbed to her lover's desire. 3215 She said, "It's a sin, 3216 But now that it's in, 3217Could you shove it a few inches higher?" 3218% 3219There was a young girl of Aberystwyth 3220Who screwed every man that she kissed with. 3221 She tickled the balls 3222 Of the men in the halls, 3223And pulled on the prongs that they pissed with. 3224% 3225There was a young girl of Aberystwyth 3226Who took grain to the mill to get grist with. 3227 The miller's sun, Jack, 3228 Laid her flat on her back, 3229And united the organs they pissed with. 3230% 3231There was a young girl of Angina 3232Who stretched catgut across her vagina. 3233 From the love-making frock 3234 (With the proper sized cock) 3235Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor. 3236% 3237There was a young girl of Asturias 3238With a penchant for practices curious. 3239 She loved to bat rocks 3240 With her gentlemen's cocks -- 3241A practice both rude and injurious. 3242% 3243There was a young girl of Batonger 3244who diddled herself with a conger, 3245 When asked how it feels 3246 To be pleasured by eels 3247She said, "Just like a man, only longer. 3248% 3249There was a young girl of Cah'lina, 3250Had a very capricious vagina: 3251 To the shock of the fucker 3252 "Twould suddenly pucker, 3253And whistle the chorus of "Dinah." 3254% 3255There was a young girl of Cape Cod 3256Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God. 3257 But it wasn't Jehovah 3258 That turned the girl over, 3259'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger, 3260 the bugger, the bastard, the sod! 3261% 3262There was a young girl of Cape Town 3263Who usually fucked with a clown. 3264 He taught her the trick 3265 Of sucking his prick, 3266And when it went up -- she went down. 3267% 3268There was a young girl of Coxsaxie 3269Whose skirt was more mini than maxi. 3270 She was fucked at the show 3271 In the twenty-third row, 3272And once more going home in the taxi. 3273% 3274There was a young girl of Darjeeling 3275Who could dance with such exquisite feeling 3276 There was never a sound 3277 For miles around 3278Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling. 3279% 3280There was a young girl of Des Moines 3281Whose cunt could be fitted with coins, 3282 Till a guy from Hoboken 3283 Went and dropped in a token, 3284And now she rides free on the ferry. 3285% 3286There was a young girl of Detroit 3287Who at fucking was very adroit: 3288 She could squeeze her vagina 3289 To a pin-point, or finer, 3290Or open it out like a quoit. 3291 3292And she had a friend named Durand 3293Whose cock could contract or expand. 3294 He could diddle a midge 3295 Or the arch of a bridge -- 3296Their performance together was grand! 3297% 3298There was a young girl of East Lynne 3299Whose mother, to save her from sin, 3300 Had filled up her crack, 3301 To the brim with shellac, 3302But the boys picked it out with a pin. 3303% 3304There was a young girl of Gibraltar 3305Who was raped as she knelt at the altar. 3306 It really seems odd 3307 That a virtuous God 3308Should answer her prayers and assault her. 3309% 3310There was a young girl of LLewellyn 3311Whose breasts were as big as a melon. 3312 They were big it is true, 3313 But her cunt was big too, 3314Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view 3315Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan. 3316% 3317There was a young girl of Mobile, 3318Who hymen was made of chilled steel, 3319 To give her a thrill, 3320 Took a rotary drill, 3321Or a number nine emery wheel. 3322% 3323There was a young girl of Moline 3324Whose fucking was sweet and obscene. 3325 She would work on a prick 3326 With every known trick, 3327And finish by winking it clean. 3328% 3329There was a young girl of Newcastle 3330Whose charms were declared universal. 3331 While one man in front 3332 Wired into her cunt, 3333Another was engaged at her arsehole. 3334% 3335There was a young girl of Pawtucket 3336Whose box was as big as a bucket. 3337 Her boy-friend said, "Toots, 3338 I'll have to wear boots, 3339For I see I must muck it, not fuck it." 3340% 3341There was a young girl of Penzance 3342Who boarded a bus in a trance. 3343 The passengers fucked her, 3344 Likewise the conductor, 3345While the driver shot off in his pants. 3346% 3347There was a young girl of Pitlochry 3348Who was had by a man in a rockery. 3349 She said, "Oh! You've come 3350 All over my bum; 3351This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery." 3352% 3353There was a young girl of Rangoon 3354Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon. 3355 "Well, it has been great fun," 3356 She remarked when he'd done, 3357"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon." 3358% 3359There was a young girl of Spitzbergen, 3360Whose people all thought her a virgin, 3361 Till they found her in bed 3362 With her twat very red, 3363And the head of a kid just emergin'. 3364% 3365There was a young girl, very sweet, 3366Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat. 3367 When she sat on their lap 3368 She unbuttoned their flap, 3369And always had plenty to eat. 3370% 3371There was a young girl who begat 3372Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat. 3373 T'was fun in the breeding 3374 But hell in the feeding 3375When she found there's no tit for Tat. 3376% 3377There was a young girl who begat 3378Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat. 3379 It was fun in the breeding, 3380 But hell in the feeding, 3381When she found there was no tit for Tat. 3382% 3383There was a young harlot from Kew 3384Who filled her vagina with glue. 3385 She said with a grin, 3386 "If they pay to get in, 3387They'll pay to get out of it too." 3388% 3389There was a young harlot named Schwartz 3390Whose cock-pit was studded with warts, 3391 And they tickled so nice 3392 She drew a high price 3393From the studs at the summer resorts. 3394 3395Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle, 3396Was seldom hard up for a diddle, 3397 For according to rumor 3398 His tool had a tumor 3399And a fine row of warts down the middle. 3400% 3401There was a young hayseed from Tiffan 3402Whose cock would constantly stiffen. 3403 The knob out in front 3404 Attracted foul cunt 3405Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'. 3406% 3407There was a young idler named Blood, 3408Made a fortune performing at stud, 3409 With a fifteen-inch peter, 3410 A double-beat metre, 3411And a load like the Biblical Flood. 3412% 3413There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway 3414Whose screams could be heard for a block away. 3415 Perceiving his error, 3416 The Rabbi in terror 3417Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!" 3418% 3419There was a young lad - name of Durcan 3420Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. 3421 His father said, "Durcan 3422 Stop jerkin' your gherkin 3423Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. 3424% 3425There was a young lad from Nahant 3426Who was made like the Sensitve Plant. 3427 When asked, "Do you fuck?" 3428 He replied, "No such luck. 3429I would if I could but I can't." 3430% 3431There was a young lad from Siam, 3432Whose sexlife was caught in a jam. 3433 He loved them real small, 3434 'Cause they're funner to ball, 3435So he went out and bought him a lamb! 3436% 3437There was a young lad name of Durcan 3438Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. 3439 His father said, "Durcan! 3440 Stop jerkin' your gherkin! 3441Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. 3442% 3443There was a young lad name of Ward 3444Who strung himself up with a cord 3445 Said he, of his work 3446 (Ere the rope snapped with a jerk) 3447"I am leaving because I am bored." 3448 - E.A. Guest 3449% 3450There was a young lad named McFee 3451Who was stung in the balls by a bee 3452 He made oodles of money 3453 By oozing pure honey 3454Every time he attempted to pee. 3455% 3456There was a young lady at sea 3457Who complained that it hurt her to pee. 3458 Said the brawny old mate, 3459 "That accounts for the state 3460Of the cook and the captain and me." 3461% 3462There was a young lady at sea 3463Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee." 3464 "I see," said the mate, 3465 "That accounts for the state 3466Of the captain, the purser, and me." 3467% 3468There was a young lady called Ciss 3469Who went to the river to piss. 3470 A young man in a punt 3471 Put his hand on her cunt; 3472No wonder she thought it was bliss. 3473% 3474There was a young lady from Bangor 3475Who slept while the ship lay at anchor 3476 She woke in dismay 3477 When she heard the mate say: 3478"Let's lift up the topsheet and spanker!" 3479% 3480There was a young lady from Bright, 3481Whose speed was much faster than light. 3482 She went out one day 3483 In a relative way 3484And returned on the previous night. 3485% 3486There was a young lady from Bristol 3487Who went to the Palace called Crystal. 3488 Said she, "It's all glass, 3489 And as round as my ass," 3490And she farted as loud as a pistol. 3491% 3492There was a young lady from Brussels 3493Who was proud of her vaginal muscles. 3494 She could easily plex them 3495 And so interflex them 3496As to whistle love songs through her bustles. 3497% 3498There was a young lady from Drew 3499Who ended her verse at line two. 3500% 3501There was a young lady from Dumfries 3502Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze! 3503 My navel's all bare, 3504 So stick it in there, 3505Before both my legs and my bum freeze." 3506% 3507There was a young lady from Exeter, 3508So pretty that men craned their necks at her. 3509 One was even so brave 3510 As to take out and wave 3511The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. 3512% 3513There was a young lady from Hyde 3514Who ate a green apple and died. 3515 While her lover lamented 3516 The apple fermented 3517And made cider inside her inside. 3518% 3519There was a young lady from Maine 3520Who claimed she had men on her brain. 3521 But you knew from the view, 3522 As her abdomen grew, 3523It was not on her brain that he'd lain. 3524% 3525There was a young lady from Munich 3526Who had an affair with a eunuch. 3527 At the height of their passion 3528 He dealt her a ration 3529% 3530There was a young lady from Munich 3531Who had an affair with a eunuch. 3532 At the height of their passion 3533 He dealt her a ration 3534From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic. 3535% 3536There was a young lady from Norway 3537Who hung by her heels in a doorway. 3538 She told her young man, 3539 "Get off the divan, 3540I think I've discovered one more way " 3541% 3542There was a young lady from Prentice 3543Who had an affair with a dentist. 3544 To make things easier 3545 He used anesthesia, 3546And diddled her, `non compos mentis'. 3547% 3548There was a young lady from Rheims 3549Who amazingly pissed in four streams. 3550 A friend poked around 3551 And a fly-button found 3552Lodged tight in her hole so it seems. 3553% 3554There was a young lady from Rio 3555Who slept with the Fornier trio. 3556 As she dropped her panties 3557 She said, "No andanties 3558I want this allegro con brio." 3559% 3560There was a young lady from Siam 3561Who said to her lover, one Kiam, 3562 "You may kiss me of course, 3563 But you'll have to use force. 3564Though god knows you're stronger than I am." 3565% 3566There was a young lady from Spain 3567Who demurely undressed on a train. 3568 A helpful young porter 3569 Helped more than he orter, 3570And she promptly cried "Help me again" 3571% 3572There was a young lady from Spain 3573Who got sick as she rode on a train; 3574 Not once, but again, 3575 And again, and again, 3576And again, and again, and again. 3577% 3578There was a young lady from Spain 3579Whose face was exceedingly plain, 3580 But her cunt had a pucker 3581 That made the men fuck her, 3582Again, and again, and again. 3583% 3584There was a young lady from Troy 3585Had a moustache, just like a young boy 3586 Though it tickled to kiss 3587 'Twas a source of much bliss 3588When she used it to brush a man's toy. 3589% 3590There was a young lady from Wheeling 3591Who claimed to lack sexual feeling. 3592 But a cynic named Boris 3593 Just touched her clitoris 3594And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. 3595% 3596There was a young lady from Wheeling 3597Who had a peculiar feeling. 3598 She laid on her back 3599 And tickled her crack 3600And pissed all over the ceiling. 3601% 3602There was a young lady from Wooster 3603Who complained that too many men gooster. 3604 So she traded her scanties 3605 For sandpaper panties, 3606Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter. 3607% 3608There was a young lady in Reno, 3609Who lost all her dough playing Keno. 3610 But she lay on her back, 3611 And opened her crack, 3612So now she owns the Casino! 3613% 3614There was a young lady named Alice 3615Who was known to have peed in a chalice. 3616 'Twas the common belief 3617 It was done for relief, 3618And not out of protestant malice. 3619% 3620There was a young lady named Astor 3621Who never let any get past her. 3622 She finally got plenty 3623 By stopping twenty, 3624Which certainly ought to last her. 3625% 3626There was a young lady named Banker, 3627Who slept while the ship lay at anchor, 3628 She woke in dismay, 3629 When she heard the mate say, 3630"Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker." 3631% 3632There was a young lady named Blount 3633Who had a rectangular cunt. 3634 She learned for diversion 3635 Posterior perversion, 3636Since no one could fit here in front. 3637% 3638There was a young lady named Bower 3639Who dwelt in an Ivory Tower. 3640 But a poet from Perth 3641 Laid her flat on the earth, 3642And proceeded with penis to plough her. 3643% 3644There was a young lady named Brent 3645With a cunt of enormous extent, 3646 And so deep and so wide, 3647 The acoustics inside 3648Were so good you could hear when you spent. 3649% 3650There was a young lady named Bright 3651Who could travel much faster than light. 3652 She took off one day, 3653 In a relative way, 3654And returned on the previous night. 3655% 3656There was a young lady named Brook 3657Who never could learn how to cook. 3658 But on a divan 3659 She could please any man- 3660She knew every darn trick in the book! 3661% 3662There was a young lady named Cager 3663Who, as the result of a wager, 3664 Consented to fart 3665 The entire oboe part 3666Of Mozart's quartet in F major. 3667% 3668There was a young lady named Ciss 3669Who said, "I think skating's a bliss " 3670 But she'll never restate, 3671 For a wheel off her skate 3672.siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM 3673% 3674There was a young lady named Clair 3675Who possessed a magnificent pair; 3676 At least so I thought 3677 Till I saw one get caught 3678On a thorn, and begin losing air. 3679% 3680There was a young lady named Dot 3681Whose cunt was so terribly hot 3682 That ten bishops of Rome 3683 And the Pope's private gnome 3684Failed to quench her Vesuvial twat. 3685% 3686There was a young lady named Duff 3687With a lovely, luxuriant muff. 3688 In his haste to get in her 3689 One eager beginner 3690Lost both of his balls in the rough. 3691% 3692There was a young lady named Etta 3693Who was constantly seen in a swetta. 3694 Three reasons she had: 3695 To keep warm wasn't bad, 3696But the other two reasons were betta. 3697% 3698There was a young lady named Fleager 3699Who was terribly, terribly eager 3700 To be all the rage 3701 On the tragedy stage, 3702Though her talents were pitifully meagre. 3703 -- Edward Gorey 3704% 3705There was a young lady named Flo 3706Whose lover had pulled out too slow. 3707 So they tried it all night, 3708 Till he got it just right... 3709Well, practice makes pregnant, you know. 3710% 3711There was a young lady named Flynn 3712Who thought fornication a sin, 3713 But when she was tight 3714 It seemed quite all right, 3715So everyone filled her with gin. 3716% 3717There was a young lady named Gilda 3718Who went on a date with a builder. 3719 He said that he would, 3720 And he could and he should, 3721And he did and it damn well near killed her. 3722% 3723There was a young lady named Gloria 3724Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier, 3725 And then by six men, 3726 Sir Gerald again, 3727And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. 3728% 3729There was a young lady named Gloria, 3730Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?" 3731 She replied to the chap, 3732 "I'll draw you a map, 3733Of where others have been to before ya." 3734% 3735There was a young lady named Grace 3736Who would not take a prick in her "place." 3737 Though she'd kiss it and suck it, 3738 She never would fuck it-- 3739She just couldn't relax face-to-face. 3740% 3741There was a young lady named Hall, 3742Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. 3743 The dress caught on fire 3744 And burned her entire 3745Front page, sporting section, and all. 3746% 3747There was a young lady named Hatch 3748Who would always come through in a scratch. 3749 If a guy wouldn't neck her, 3750 She'd grab up his pecker 3751And shove the damn thing up her snatch. 3752% 3753There was a young lady named Mable 3754Who liked to sprawl out on the table, 3755 Then cry to her man, 3756 "Stuff in all you can -- 3757Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able." 3758% 3759There was a young lady named Mandel 3760Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal 3761 By coming out bare 3762 On the main village square 3763And frigging herself with a candle. 3764% 3765There was a young lady named Maud, 3766A terrible society fraud: 3767 In company, I'm told, 3768 She was distant and cold, 3769But if you got her alone, Oh God! 3770% 3771There was a young lady named May 3772Who strolled in a park by the way, 3773 And she met a youg man 3774 Who fucked her and ran -- 3775Now she goes to the park every day. 3776% 3777There was a young lady named Nance 3778Who learned about fucking in France, 3779 And when you'd insert it 3780 She'd squeeze till she hurt it, 3781And shoved it right back in your pants. 3782% 3783There was a young lady named Nelly 3784Whose tits would jiggle like jelly. 3785 They could tickle her twat 3786 Or be tied in a knot, 3787And could even swat flies on her belly. 3788% 3789There was a young lady named Ransom 3790Who was raped three times in a hansom 3791 When she cried out for more 3792 Said a voice from the floor, 3793"My name, ma'am, is Simpson, not Samson 3794% 3795There was a young lady named Ransom 3796Who was rogered three times in a hansom. 3797 When she cried out for more 3798 A voice from the floor 3799Replied, "My name is Simpson, not Samson." 3800% 3801There was a young lady named Riddle 3802Who had an untouchable middle. 3803 She had many friends 3804 Because of her ends, 3805Since it isn't the middle you diddle. 3806% 3807There was a young lady named Rose 3808Who fainted whenever she chose; 3809 She did so one day 3810 While playing croquet, 3811But was quickly revived with a hose. 3812 -- Edward Gorey 3813% 3814There was a young lady named Rose 3815With erogenous zones in her toes. 3816 She remained onanistic 3817 Till a foot-fetishistic 3818Young man became one of her beaux. 3819% 3820There was a young lady named Schneider 3821Who often kept trysts with a spider. 3822 She found a strange bliss, 3823 In the hiss of her piss, 3824As it strained through the cobwebs inside her. 3825% 3826There was a young lady named Smith 3827Whose virtue was largely a myth. 3828 She said, "Try as I can 3829 I can't find a man 3830Who it's fun to be virtuous with." 3831% 3832There was a young lady named Twiss 3833Who said she thought fucking a bliss, 3834 For it tickled her bum 3835 And caused her to come 3836.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW 3837% 3838There was a young lady named Wylde 3839Who kept herself quite undefiled 3840 By thinking of Jesus; 3841 Contagious diseases; 3842And the bother of having a child. 3843% 3844There was a young lady of Arden, 3845The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden. 3846 Said she with a frown, 3847 "I've been sadly let down 3848By the tool of a fool in a garden." 3849% 3850There was a young lady of Bicester 3851Who was nicer by far than her sister: 3852 The sister would giggle 3853 And wiggle and jiggle, 3854But this one would come if you kissed her. 3855% 3856There was a young lady of Brabant 3857Who slept with an impotent savant. 3858 She admitted, "We shouldn't, 3859 But it turned out he couldn't- 3860So you can't say we have when we haven't." 3861% 3862There was a young lady of Bude 3863Who walked down the street in the nude. 3864 A bobby said, "Whattum 3865 Magnificent bottom!" 3866And slapped it as hard as he could. 3867% 3868There was a young lady of Carmia 3869Whose housekeeping ways would alarm ya. 3870 At every cold snap 3871 She would climb in your lab, 3872So her little base burner could warm ya. 3873% 3874There was a young lady of Dee 3875Who went down to the river to pee. 3876 A man in a punt 3877 Put his hand on her cunt, 3878And God! how I wish it were me. 3879% 3880There was a young lady of Dee 3881Whose hymen was split into three. 3882 And when she was diddled 3883 The middle string fiddled : 3884"Nearer My God To Thee." 3885% 3886There was a young lady of Dexter 3887Whose husband exceedingly vexed her, 3888 For whenever they'd start 3889 He'd unfailingly fart 3890With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her. 3891% 3892There was a young lady of Dover 3893Whose passion was such that it drove her 3894 To cry, when you came, 3895 "Oh dear! What a shame! 3896Well, now we shall have to start over." 3897% 3898There was a young lady of Ealing 3899And her lover before her was kneeling. 3900 Said she, "Dearest Jim, 3901 Take your hands off my quim; 3902I much prefer fucking to feeling." 3903% 3904There was a young lady of fashion 3905Who had oodles and oodles of passion. 3906 To her lover she said, 3907 As they climbed into bed, 3908"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!" 3909% 3910There was a young lady of Fez 3911Who was known to the public as "Jez." 3912 Jezebel was her name, 3913 Sucking cocks was the game 3914She excelled at (so everyone says). 3915% 3916There was a young lady of Gaza 3917Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. 3918 The crabs, in a lump, 3919 Made tracks to her rump - 3920This passing parade did amaze her. 3921% 3922There was a young lady of Gaza 3923Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. 3924 The crabs, in a lump, 3925 Made tracks to her rump - 3926This passing parade did amaze her. 3927% 3928There was a young lady of Gaza 3929Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. 3930 The crabs, in a lump, 3931 Made tracks to her rump-- 3932This passing parade did amaze her. 3933% 3934There was a young lady of Gloucester, 3935Met a passionate fellow who tossed her. 3936 She wasn't much hurt, 3937 But he dirtied her skirt, 3938So think of the anguish it cost her. 3939% 3940There was a young lady of Gloucester 3941Whose friends they thought they had lost her 3942 Till they found on the grass 3943 The marks of her arse, 3944And the knees of the man who had crossed her. 3945% 3946There was a young lady of Kent, 3947Who admitted she knew what it meant 3948 When men asked her to dine, 3949 And plied her with wine, 3950She knew, oh she knew -- but she went! 3951% 3952There was a young lady of Lee 3953Who scrambled up into a tree, 3954 When she got there 3955 Her arsehole was bare, 3956And so was her C U N T. 3957% 3958There was a young lady of Lincoln 3959Who said that her cunt was a pink'un, 3960 So she had a prick lent her 3961 Which turned it magenta, 3962This artful old lady of Lincoln. 3963% 3964There was a young lady of Natchez 3965Who chanced to be born with two snatches, 3966 And she often said, "Shit! 3967 Why, I'd give either tit 3968For a man with equipment that matches." 3969 3970There was a young fellow named Locke 3971Who was born with a two-headed cock. 3972 When he'd fondle the thing 3973 It would rise up and sing 3974An antiphonal chorus by Bach. 3975 3976But whether these two ever met 3977Has not been recorded as yet, 3978 Still, it would be diverting 3979 To see him inserting 3980His whang while it sang a duet. 3981% 3982There was a young lady of Norway 3983Who hung by her toes in a doorway. 3984 She said to her beau 3985 "Just look at me Joe 3986I think I've discovered one more way." 3987% 3988There was a young lady of Rhyll 3989In an omnibus was taken ill, 3990 So she called the conductor, 3991 Who got in and fucked her, 3992Which did more good than a pill. 3993% 3994There was a young lady of Spain 3995Who took down her pants on a train. 3996 There was a young porter 3997 Saw more than he orter, 3998And asked her to do it again. 3999% 4000There was a young lady of Spain 4001Who was fucked by a monk in a drain. 4002 They did it again 4003 And again and again, 4004And again and again and again. 4005% 4006There was a young lady of Twickenham 4007Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em. 4008 On her knees every day 4009 To God she would pray 4010To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em. 4011% 4012There was a young lady of Wheeling 4013Said to her beau, "I've a feeling 4014 My little brown jug 4015 Has need of a plug" -- 4016And straightaway she started to peeling. 4017% 4018There was a young lady of Wheeling 4019Who professed to lack sexual feeling. 4020 But a cynic named Boris 4021 Just touched her clitoris, 4022And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. 4023% 4024There was a young lady who said, 4025As her bridegroom got into the bed, 4026 "I'm tired of this stunt, 4027 That they do with one's cunt, 4028You can get up my bottom instead." 4029% 4030There was a young lady whose cunt 4031Could accomodate a small punt. 4032 Her mother said, "Annie, 4033 It matches your fanny, 4034Which never was that of a runt." 4035% 4036There was a young lady whose thighs, 4037When spread showed a slit of such size, 4038 And so deep and so wide, 4039 You could play cards inside, 4040Much to her bridegroom's surprise. 4041% 4042There was a young lass from Surat. 4043The cheeks of her ass were so fat 4044 That they had to be parted 4045 Whenever she farted, 4046And also whenever she shat. 4047% 4048There was a young lass from Surat. 4049The cheeks of her ass were so fat 4050 That they had to be parted 4051 Whenever she farted, 4052And also whenever she shat. 4053% 4054There was a young laundress named Wrangle 4055Whose tits tilted up at an angle. 4056 "They may tickle my chin," 4057 She said with a grin, 4058"But at least they keep out of the mangle." 4059% 4060There was a young maiden from Osset 4061Whose quim was nine inches across it. 4062 Said a young man named Tong, 4063 With tool nine inches long, 4064"I'll put bugger-in if I loss it." 4065% 4066There was a young man from Bear Ridge 4067Who had strange ideas about marriage. 4068 He fucked his wife's mother 4069 And sucked off her brother 4070And ate up her sister's miscarriage. 4071% 4072There was a young man from Bel-Aire 4073Who was screwing his girl on the stair. 4074 But the banister broke 4075 So he doubled his stroke 4076And finished her off in mid-air. 4077% 4078There was a young man from Bengal 4079Who claimed he had only one ball, 4080 But two little bitches 4081 Pulled down this man's breeches 4082And proved he had nothing at all. 4083% 4084There was a young man from Biloxi 4085Whose bowels responded to Moxie. 4086 Drinking glass after glass, 4087 He would tune up his ass, 4088Till he played like the band at the Roxy. 4089% 4090There was a young man from Bombay 4091Who fashioned a cunt out of clay 4092 But the heat of his prick 4093 Turned it into a brick 4094And rubbed all his foreskin away. 4095% 4096There was a young man from Boston 4097Who rode around in an Austin. 4098 There was room for his ass 4099 And a gallon of gas, 4100But his balls hung out and he lost 'em. 4101% 4102There was a young man from Calcutta 4103Who was heard in his beard to mutter, 4104 "If her Bartholin glands 4105 Don't respond to my hands, 4106I'm afraid I shall have to use butter." 4107% 4108There was a young man from Dallas 4109Who had an exceptional phallus. 4110 He couldn't find room 4111 In any girl's womb 4112Without rubbing it first with Vitalis. 4113% 4114There was a young man from Dundee 4115Who buggered an ape in a tree. 4116 The results were quite horrid: 4117 All ass and no forehead, 4118Three balls and a purple goatee. 4119% 4120There was a young man from East Lizes 4121Whose balls were of two different sizes 4122 One was so small 4123 It was no ball at all 4124The other was large and won prizes. 4125% 4126There was a young man from East Wubley 4127Whose cock was bifurcated doubly. 4128 Each quadruplicate shaft 4129 Had two balls hanging aft, 4130And the general effect was quite lovely. 4131 4132There was a young man from Hong Kong 4133Who had a trifurcated prong: 4134 A small one for sucking, 4135 A large one for fucking, 4136And a `boney' for beating a gong. 4137% 4138There was a young man from Glengozzle 4139Who found a remarkable fossil. 4140 He knew by the bend 4141 And the wart on the end, 4142'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle. 4143% 4144There was a young man from Jodhpur 4145Who found he could easily cure 4146 His dread diabetes 4147 By eating a foetus 4148Served up in a sauce of manure. 4149% 4150There was a young man from Kent 4151Whose tool was so long that it bent. 4152 To save himself trouble 4153 He put it in double 4154And instead of coming, he went. 4155% 4156There was a young man from Lynn 4157Whose cock was the size of a pin. 4158 Said his girl with a laugh 4159 As she felt his staff, 4160"This won't be much of a sin." 4161% 4162There was a young man from Maine 4163Whose prick was as strong as a crane; 4164 It was almost as long, 4165 So he strolled with his dong 4166Extended in sunshine and rain. 4167% 4168There was a young man from Nantucket 4169Whose cock was so long he could suck it. 4170 But he looked in the glass, 4171 And saw his own ass, 4172And broke his neck trying to fuck it. 4173% 4174There was a young man from Nantucket 4175Whose cock was so long he could suck it. 4176 He said with a grin, 4177 While wiping his chin, 4178"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it." 4179% 4180There was a young man from New Haven 4181Who had an affair with a raven. 4182 He said with a grin 4183 As he wiped off his chin, 4184"Nevermore!" 4185% 4186There was a young man from Peru, 4187Who took a long trip by canoe. 4188 While staring at Venus, 4189 And rubbing his penis, 4190He wound up with a handful of goo. 4191% 4192There was a young man from Purdue 4193Who was only just learning to screw, 4194 But he hadn't the knack, 4195 And he got too far back -- 4196In the right church, but in the wrong pew. 4197% 4198There was a young man from Racine 4199Who invented a fucking machine. 4200 Concave or convex, 4201 It served either sex, 4202But oh what a bitch to keep clean. 4203% 4204There was a young man from Rangoon 4205Who used to lament 'neath the moon 4206 That he had the luck 4207 To be born of a fuck 4208That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon. 4209% 4210There was a young man from Salinas 4211Who had an extremely long penis: 4212 Believe it or not, 4213 When he lay on his cot 4214It reached from Marin to Martinez. 4215% 4216There was a young man from Seattle 4217Whose testicles tended to rattle. 4218 He said as he fuck-ed 4219 Some stones in a bucket, 4220"If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll." 4221% 4222There was a young man from Siam 4223Who said, "I go in with a wham, 4224 But I soon lose my starch 4225 Like the mad month of March, 4226And the lion comes out like a lamb." 4227% 4228There was a young man from St. Paul's 4229Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's" 4230 Till he grew such a passion 4231 For feminine fashion 4232That he knitted a snood for his balls. 4233% 4234There was a young man from Stamboul 4235Who boasted so torrid a tool 4236 That each female crater 4237 Explored by this satyr 4238Seemed almost unpleasantly cool. 4239% 4240There was a young man from Tibet- 4241And this is the strangest one yet- 4242 Whose tool was so long, 4243 So pointed and strong, 4244He could bugger six Greeks "en brochette". 4245% 4246There was a young man in Havana, 4247Banged his girl on a player-piana. 4248 At the height of their fever 4249 Her ass hit the lever 4250And: yes, he has no banana. 4251% 4252There was a young man in Norway, 4253Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh, 4254 But the air was so frigid 4255 It froze his cock rigid, 4256And all he could come was frappe. 4257% 4258There was a young man in the choir 4259Whose penis rose higher and higher, 4260 Till it reached such a height 4261 It was quite out of sight -- 4262But of course you know I'm a liar. 4263% 4264There was a young man, name of Fred, 4265Who spent every Thursday in bed; 4266 He lay with his feet 4267 Outside of the sheet, 4268And the pillows on top of his head. 4269 -- Edward Gorey 4270% 4271There was a young man, name of Saul, 4272Who was able to bounce either ball, 4273 He could stretch them and snap them, 4274 And juggle and clap them, 4275Which earned him the plaudits of all. 4276% 4277There was a young man named Crockett 4278Whose balls got caught in a socket. 4279 His wife was a bitch 4280 So she threw the switch, 4281And Crockett went off like a rocket. 4282% 4283There was a young man named Crockett 4284Whose balls got caught in a socket. 4285 His wife was a bitch, 4286 Yeah, she threw the switch, 4287And Crockett went off like a rocket. 4288% 4289There was a young man named Hughes 4290Who swore off all kinds of booze. 4291 He said, "When I'm muddled 4292 My senses get fuddled, 4293And I pass up too many screws." 4294% 4295There was a young man named Knute 4296Who had warts all over his root. 4297 He put acid on these 4298 And now when he pees, 4299He fingers the thing like a flute. 4300% 4301There was a young man named Laplace 4302Whose balls were made out of spun glass. 4303 When they banged together 4304 They played "Stormy Weather" 4305And lightning shot out of his ass. 4306% 4307There was a young man named McNamiter 4308With a tool of prodigious diameter. 4309 But it wasn't the size 4310 Gave the girls a surprise, 4311But his rythm -- iambic pentameter. 4312% 4313There was a young man named Rex 4314Who really was small for his sex. 4315 When tried for exposure 4316 The judge's disclosure 4317Was "de minimus non curat lex." 4318% 4319There was a young man named Zerubbabel 4320Who had only one real, and one rubber ball. 4321 When they asked if his pleasure 4322 Was only half measure, 4323He replied, "That is highly improbable." 4324% 4325There was a young man named Zerubbabub 4326Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club 4327 But the pride of his life 4328 Were the tits of his wife -- 4329One real, and one India-rubber bub. 4330% 4331There was a young man of Arras 4332Who stretched himself out on the grass, 4333 And with no little trouble, 4334 He bent himself double, 4335And stuck his prick well up his ass. 4336% 4337There was a young man of Australia 4338Who went on a wild bacchanalia. 4339 He buggered a frog, 4340 Two mice and a dog, 4341And a bishop in fullest regalia. 4342% 4343There was a young man of Belgrade 4344Who remarked, "I'm a queer piece of trade. 4345 I will suck, without charge, 4346 Any cock, if it's large. 4347If it's small, I expect to be paid." 4348% 4349There was a young man of Belgrade 4350Who slept with a girl in the trade. 4351 She said to him, "Jack, 4352 Try the hole in the back; 4353The front one is badly decayed." 4354% 4355There was a young man of Bengal 4356Who swore he had only one ball, 4357 But two little bitches 4358 Unbuttoned his britches, 4359And found he had no balls at all. 4360% 4361There was a young man of Bombay 4362Who buggered his dad once a day. 4363 He said, "I like, rather, 4364 Fucking my father -- 4365He's clean, and there's nothing to pay." 4366% 4367There was a young man of Calcutta, 4368Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter. 4369 When he got to c-u, 4370 A pious Hindoo 4371Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter. 4372% 4373There was a young man of Cape Horn 4374Who wished he had never been born, 4375 And he wouldn't have been 4376 If his father had seen 4377That the end of the rubber was torn. 4378% 4379There was a young man of Coblenz 4380Whose ballocks were simply immense: 4381 It took forty-four draymen, 4382 A priest and three laymen 4383To carry them thither and thence. 4384% 4385There was a young man of Darjeeling 4386Whose cock reached up to the ceiling. 4387 In the electric light socket, 4388 He'd put it and rock it-- 4389Oh God! What a wonderful feeling! 4390% 4391There was a young man of Devizes 4392Whose balls were of different sizes. 4393 His tool when at ease, 4394 Hung down to his knees, 4395Oh, what must it be when it rises! 4396% 4397There was a young man of Devizes, 4398Whose balls were of different sizes. 4399 One was so small, 4400 It was nothing at all; 4401The other took numerous prizes. 4402% 4403There was a young man of Dumfries 4404Who said to his girl, "If you please, 4405 It would give me great bliss 4406 If, while playing with this, 4407You would pay some attention to these!" 4408% 4409There was a young man of Greenwich 4410Whose balls were all covered with spinach. 4411 So long was his tool 4412 That it wound round a spool, 4413And he let it out inach by inach. 4414% 4415There was a young man of high station 4416Who was found by a pious relation 4417 Making love in a ditch 4418 To -- I won't say a bitch -- 4419But a woman of no reputation. 4420% 4421There was a young man of Khartoum, 4422The strength of whose balls was his doom. 4423 So strong was his shootin', 4424 The third law of Newton 4425Propelled the poor chap to the Moon. 4426% 4427There was a young man of Khartoum 4428Who lured a poor girl to her doom. 4429 He not only fucked her, 4430 But buggered and sucked her-- 4431And left her to pay for the room. 4432% 4433There was a young man of Kildare 4434Who was fucking a girl on the stair. 4435 The bannister broke, 4436 But he doubled his stroke 4437And finished her off in mid-air. 4438% 4439There was a young man of Kutki 4440Who could blink himself off with one eye. 4441 For a while though, he pined, 4442 When his organ declined 4443To function, because of a stye. 4444% 4445There was a young man of Lahore 4446Whose prick was one inch and no more. 4447 It was all right for key-holes 4448 And little girl's pee-holes, 4449But not worth a damn with a whore. 4450% 4451There was a young man of Lake Placid 4452Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid. 4453 When he wanted to sport 4454 He would have to resort 4455To injections of sulphuric acid. 4456% 4457There was a young man of Madras 4458Whose balls were constructed of brass. 4459 When jangled together 4460 They played "Stormy Weather", 4461And lightning shot out of his ass. 4462% 4463There was a young man of Missouri 4464Who fucked with a terrible fury. 4465 Till hauled into court 4466 For his beastial sport, 4467And condemned by a poorly-hung jury. 4468% 4469There was a young man of Natal 4470And Sue was the name of his gal. 4471 One day, north of Aden, 4472 He got his hard rod in, 4473And came clear up Suez Canal. 4474% 4475There was a young man of Natal 4476Who was fucking a Hottentot gal. 4477 Said she, "You're a sluggard!" 4478 Said he, "You be buggered! 4479I like to fuck slow and I shall." 4480% 4481There was a young man of Ostend 4482Who let a girl play with his end. 4483 She took hold of Rover, 4484 And felt it all over, 4485And it did what she didn't intend. 4486% 4487There was a young man of Ostend 4488Whose wife caught him fucking her friend. 4489 "It's no use, my duck, 4490 Interrupting our fuck, 4491For I'm damned if I draw till I spend." 4492% 4493There was a young man of Saskatchewan, 4494Whose penis was truly gargantuan. 4495 It was good for large whores, 4496 And for small dinosaurs, 4497And was rough enough to scratch a match upon. 4498% 4499There was a young man of Seattle 4500Who bested a bull in a battle. 4501 With fire and gumption 4502 He assumed the bull's function, 4503And deflowered a whole herd of cattle. 4504% 4505There was a young man of St. John's 4506Who wanted to bugger the swans. 4507 But the loyal hall porter 4508 Said, "Pray take my daughter! 4509Those birds are reserved for the dons." 4510% 4511There was a young man of Tibet 4512-- And this is the strangest one yet -- 4513 His prick was so long, 4514 And so pointed and strong, 4515He could bugger six sheep en brochette. 4516% 4517There was a young man of Toulouse 4518Who had a deficient prepuce, 4519 But the foreskin he lacked 4520 He made up in his sac; 4521The result was, his balls were too loose. 4522% 4523There was a young man who appeared 4524To his friends with a full growth of beard; 4525 They at once said, "Although 4526 We can't say why it's so, 4527The effect is uncommonly weird." 4528 -- Edward Gorey 4529% 4530There was a young man who said "God, 4531I find it exceedingly odd, 4532 That the willow oak tree 4533 Continues to be, 4534When there's no one about in the Quad." 4535 4536"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd, 4537For I'm always about in the Quad; 4538 And that's why the tree, 4539 Continues to be," 4540Signed "Yours faithfully, God." 4541% 4542There was a young man with a fiddle 4543Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?" 4544 She replied, "Yes, I do, 4545 But prefer to with two -- 4546It's twice as much fun in the middle." 4547% 4548There was a young man with a prick 4549Which into his wife he would stick 4550 Every morning and night 4551 If it stood up all right -- 4552Not a very remarkable trick. 4553 4554His wife had a nice little cunt: 4555It was hairy, and soft, and in front, 4556 And with this she would fuck him, 4557 Though sometimes she'd suck him -- 4558A charming, if commonplace, stunt. 4559% 4560There was a young man with one foot 4561Who had a very long root. 4562 If he used this peg 4563 As an extra leg 4564Is a question exceedingly moot. 4565% 4566There was a young miss from Johore 4567Who'd lie on a mat on the floor; 4568 In a manner uncanny 4569 She'd wobble her fanny, 4570And drain your nuts dry to the core. 4571% 4572There was a young monk from Siberia 4573Whose life got drearia' and drearia' 4574 Till he did to a nun 4575 What shouldn't be done 4576And made her a mother superia'. 4577% 4578There was a young monk from Tibet 4579And this is the damnedest one yet 4580 His cock was so long 4581 And incredibly strong 4582That he buggered six Greeks en brochette. 4583% 4584There was a young monk in Siberia, 4585Whose morals were very inferior, 4586 He jumped on a nun 4587 Which he shouldn't have done, 4588And now she's a Mother Superior. 4589% 4590There was a young monk of Dundee 4591Who complained that it hurt him to pee, 4592 He said, "Pax vobiscum, 4593 Now why won't the piss come? 4594I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p." 4595% 4596There was a young parson of Harwich, 4597Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage. 4598 She said, "No, you young goose, 4599 Just try self-abuse. 4600And the other we'll try after marriage." 4601% 4602There was a young peasant named Gorse 4603Who fell madly in love with his horse. 4604 Said his wife, "You rapscallion, 4605 That horse is a stallion -- 4606This constitutes grounds for divorce." 4607% 4608There was a young person of Kent 4609Who was famous wherever he went. 4610 All the way through a fuck, 4611 He would quack like a duck, 4612And he crowed like a cock when he spent. 4613% 4614There was a young physicist named Fisk 4615Whose lovemaking was rather brisk. 4616 So quick was his action, 4617 The Lorentz Contraction 4618Shortened his rod to a disc !! 4619% 4620There was a young plumber named Lee 4621Who was plumbing his girl by the sea. 4622 She said, "Stop your plumbing, 4623 There's somebody coming" 4624Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me." 4625% 4626There was a young poet named Dan, 4627Whose poetry never would scan. 4628 When told this was so, 4629 He said, "Yes, I know, 4630It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can." 4631% 4632There was a young royal marine, 4633Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen". 4634 When he reached the soprano 4635 Out came only guano 4636And his britches weren't fit to be seen. 4637% 4638There was a young sailor from Brighton, 4639Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one." 4640 She replied, "'Pon my soul, 4641 You're in the wrong hole; 4642There's plenty of room in the right one." 4643% 4644There was a young sapphic named Anna 4645Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana, 4646 Which she sucked, bit by bit, 4647 From her partner's warm slit, 4648In the most approved lesbian manner. 4649% 4650There was a young Scot in Madrid 4651Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid. 4652 When they said, "Are you faint?" 4653 He replied, "No, I ain't, 4654But I don't feel as good as I did." 4655% 4656There was a young soldier from Munich 4657Whose penis hung down past his tunic, 4658 And their chops girls would lick 4659 When they thought of his prick, 4660But alas! he was only a eunuch. 4661% 4662There was a young sportsman named Peel 4663Who went for a trip on his wheel; 4664 He pedalled for days 4665 Through crepuscular haze, 4666And returned feeling somewhat unreal. 4667 -- Edward Gorey 4668% 4669There was a young squaw of Wohunt 4670Who possessed a collapsible cunt. 4671 It had many odd uses, 4672 Produced no papooses, 4673And fitted both giant and runt. 4674% 4675There was a young student from Yale 4676Who was getting his first piece of tail. 4677 He shoved in his pole, 4678 But in the wrong hole, 4679And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!" 4680% 4681There was a young trollop at Yale, 4682Who had verses tattooed on her tail, 4683 And on her behind, 4684 For the sake of the blind, 4685A duplicate version in Braille. 4686% 4687There was a young whore from Kaloo 4688Who filled her vagina with glue. 4689 She said with a grin, 4690 "If they pay to get in, 4691They can pay to get out again too!" 4692% 4693There was a young woman called Pearl 4694Who quite resembled a churl; 4695 When she asked a young man named Tex 4696 Whether he would like to have sex, 4697"Certainly," quoth he, "Who's the girl?" 4698% 4699There was a young woman from Bude, 4700Who went for a swim in the nude, 4701 But a man in a punt, 4702 Grabbed at her elbow, 4703And said "Hey, lady, you can't swim here, it's private property." 4704% 4705There was a young woman in Dee 4706Who stayed with each man she did see. 4707 When it came to a test 4708 She wished to be best, 4709And practice makes perfect, you see. 4710% 4711There was a young woman named Alice 4712Who peed in a Catholic chalice. 4713 She said, "I do this 4714 From a great need to piss, 4715And not from sectarian malice." 4716% 4717There was a young woman named Ells 4718Who was subject to curious spells 4719 When got up very oddly, 4720 She'd cry out things ungodly 4721by the palms in expensive hotels. 4722 -- Edward Gorey 4723% 4724There was a young woman named Florence 4725Who for fucking professed an abhorrence, 4726 But they found her in bed 4727 With her cunt flaming red, 4728And her poodle-dog spending in torrents. 4729% 4730There was a young woman named Plunnery 4731Who rejoiced in the practice of gunnery. 4732 Till one day unobservant, 4733 She blew up a servant, 4734And was forced to retire to a nunnery. 4735 -- Edward Gorey 4736% 4737There was a young woman named Sutton 4738Who said, as she carved up the mutton, 4739 "My father preferred 4740 The last sheep in the herd -- 4741This is one of his children I'm cuttin'." 4742% 4743There was a young woman of Cheadle, 4744Who once gave the clap to a beadle. 4745 Said she, "Does it itch?" 4746 "It does, you damned bitch, 4747And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle." 4748% 4749There was a young woman of Condover 4750Whose husband had ceased to be fond of 'er. 4751 Her pussy was juicy, 4752 Her arse soft and goosey, 4753But peroxide had now made a blonde of 'er. 4754% 4755There was a young woman of Croft 4756Who played with herself in a loft, 4757 Having reasoned that candles 4758 Could never cause scandals, 4759Besides which they did not go soft. 4760 4761Said another young woman of Croft, 4762Amusing herself in the loft, 4763 "A salami or wurst 4764 Is what I'd choose first -- 4765With bologna you know you've been boffed." 4766% 4767There was a young woman, quite handsome, 4768Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom. 4769 When she offered much gold 4770 For release, she was told 4771That the view was worth more than the ransom. 4772% 4773There was a young woman whose stammer 4774Was atrocious, and so was her grammar; 4775 But they were not improved 4776 When her husband was moved 4777To knock out her teeth with a hammer. 4778 -- Edward Gorey 4779% 4780There was an old abbess quite shocked 4781To find nuns where the candles were locked. 4782 Said the abbess, "You nuns 4783 Should behave more like guns, 4784And never go off till you're cocked." 4785% 4786There was an old bishop from Buckingham 4787Who fell in love with some oysters while shucking 'em. 4788 His wife with distain 4789 Could scarcely restrain 4790That sprightly old bishop from * * *. 4791% 4792There was an old count of Swoboda 4793Who would not pay a whore what he owed her. 4794 So, with great savoir-faire, 4795 She stood on a chair 4796And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda. 4797% 4798There was an old curate of Hestion 4799Who'd errect at the slightest suggestion. 4800 But so small was his tool 4801 He could scarce screw a spool, 4802And a cunt was quite out of the question. 4803% 4804There was an old fellow named Art 4805Who awoke with a horrible start, 4806 For down by his rump 4807 Was a generous lump 4808Of what should have been just a fart. 4809% 4810There was an old fellow named Skinner 4811Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner. 4812 But still, by and large, 4813 It would always discharge 4814Once he could just get it in her. 4815% 4816There was an old feminine blighter 4817Who trained a Chow dog to delight her. 4818 She would cream her own pool 4819 While she sucked off his tool -- 4820How his cock in her cunt would excite her! 4821% 4822There was an old gent from Kentuck 4823Who boasted a filigreed schmuck, 4824 But he put it away 4825 For fear that one day 4826He might put it in and get stuck. 4827% 4828There was an old girl of Kilkenny 4829Whose usual charge was a penny. 4830 For half of that sum 4831 You could finger her bum-- 4832A source of amusement to many. 4833% 4834There was an old harlot from Dijon 4835Who in her old age got religion. 4836 "When I'm dead & gone," 4837 Said she, "I'll take on 4838The Father, the Son, and the Pigeon." 4839% 4840There was an old hermit named Dave 4841Who kept a dead whore in his cave. 4842 He said "I'll admit 4843 I'm a bit of a shit, 4844But look at the money I save." 4845% 4846There was an old lady of Bingly 4847Who wailed, "I do hate to sleep singly. 4848 I thought I had got 4849 A bloke for my twat, 4850But he seems rather queenly than kingly." 4851% 4852There was an old lady of Glascow, 4853Whose party proved quite a fiasco. 4854 At nine-thirty, about, 4855 The lights all went out, 4856Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co. 4857% 4858There was an old lady of Kewry 4859Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae': 4860 The `introitus vaginae', 4861 Was unnaturally tiny, 4862And the thought of it filled her with fury. 4863% 4864There was an old lady who lay 4865With her legs wide apart in the hay, 4866 Then, calling the ploughman, 4867 She said, "Do it now, man! 4868Don't wait till your hair has turned gray." 4869% 4870There was an old maid from Cape Cod 4871Who thought all good things came from god. 4872 But it wasn't the almighty 4873 Who lifted her nighty, 4874It was Roger, the lodger, by god. 4875% 4876There was an old man from Bengal 4877Who liked to do tricks in the hall. 4878 His favorite trick 4879 Was to stand on his dick 4880While he rolled around on one ball. 4881% 4882There was an old man from Duluth 4883Whose cock was shot off in his youth. 4884 He fucked with his nose 4885 Or his fingers and toes 4886And he came thru a hole in his tooth. 4887% 4888There was an old man from Fort Drum 4889Whose son was incredibly dumb. 4890 When he urged him ahead, 4891 He went down instead, 4892For he thought to succeed meant succumb. 4893% 4894There was an old man of Alsace 4895Who played the trombone with his ass. 4896 He put in a trap 4897 To take out the crap, 4898But the vapors corroded the brass. 4899% 4900There was an old man of Brienz 4901The length of whose cock was immense: 4902 With one swerve he could plug 4903 A boy's bottom in Zug, 4904And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz. 4905% 4906There was an old man of Cajon 4907Who never could get a good bone. 4908 With the aid of a gland 4909 It grew simply grand; 4910Now his wife cannot leave it alone. 4911% 4912There was an old man of Calcutta 4913Who spied through a chink in the shutter. 4914 But all he could see 4915 Was his wife's bare knee, 4916And the back of the bloke who was up her. 4917% 4918There was an old man of Connaught 4919Whose prick was remarkably short. 4920 When he got into bed, 4921 The old woman said, 4922"This isn't a prick, it's a wart." 4923% 4924There was an old man of Duddee 4925Who came home as drunk as could be. 4926 He wound up the clock 4927 With the end of his cock, 4928And buggered his wife with the key. 4929% 4930There was an old man of Duluth 4931Whose cock was shot off in his youth. 4932 He fucked with his nose 4933 And with fingers and toes, 4934And he came through a hole in his tooth. 4935% 4936There was an old man of Hong Kong 4937Who never did anything wrong. 4938 He would lie on his back 4939 With his head in a sack 4940And secretly finger his dong. 4941% 4942There was an old man of St. Bees, 4943Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. 4944 When asked, "Does it hurt?" 4945 He relied, "No, it doesn't. 4946I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet." 4947% 4948There was an old man of St. Bees, 4949Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. 4950 When asked, "Does it hurt?" 4951 He relied, "No, it doesn't. 4952I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet." 4953 -- W.S. Gilbert 4954% 4955There was an old man of Tagore 4956Whose tool was a yard long or more, 4957 So he wore the damn thing 4958 In a surgical sling 4959To keep it from wiping the floor. 4960% 4961There was an Old Man of the Mountain 4962Who frigged himself into a fountain 4963 Fifteen times had he spent, 4964 Still he wasn't content, 4965He simply got tired of the counting. 4966% 4967There was an old man of the port 4968Whose prick was remarkably short. 4969 When he got into bed, 4970 The old woman said, 4971"That isn't a prick; it's a wart!" 4972% 4973There was an old man of the port 4974Whose prick was remarkably short. 4975 When he got into bed, 4976 The old woman said, 4977"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!" 4978% 4979There was an old man of the port 4980Whose prick was remarkably short. 4981 When he got into bed, 4982 The old woman said, 4983"That isn't a prick; it's a wart!" 4984% 4985There was an old man who said, "Tush! 4986My balls always hang in the brush, 4987 And I fumble about, 4988 Half in and half out, 4989With a pecker as limber as mush." 4990% 4991There was an old man with a beard 4992Who said, "It is just what I feared! 4993 Two owls and a hen, 4994 Four larks and a wren 4995Have all built their nests in my beard!" 4996% 4997There was an old person of Ware 4998Who had an affair with a bear. 4999 He explained, "I don't mind, 5000 For it's gentle and kind, 5001But I wish it had slightly less hair." 5002% 5003There was an old pirate named Bates 5004Who was learning to rhumba on skates 5005 He fell on his cutlass 5006 Which rendered him nutless 5007And practically useless on dates. 5008% 5009There was an old satyr named Mack 5010Whose prick had a left handed tack. 5011 If the ladies he loves 5012 Don't spin when he shoves, 5013Their cervixes frequently crack. 5014% 5015There was an old Scot named McTavish 5016Who attempted an anthropoid ravish. 5017 The object of rape 5018 Was the wrong sex of ape, 5019And the anthropoid ravished McTavish. 5020% 5021There was an old whore from Silesia 5022Who'd croke: "If my box doesn't please ya, 5023 For a slight extra sum 5024 You can go up my bum 5025But watchout or my tapeworm'll seize ya." 5026% 5027There was an old whore in the Azores 5028Whose body was covered with festers & sores. 5029 Why the dogs in the street 5030 Wouldn't eat the green meat 5031That hung in festoons from her drawers. 5032% 5033There was an old woman of Ghent 5034Who swore that her cunt had no scent. 5035 She got fucked so often 5036 At last she got rotten, 5037And didn't she stink when she spent. 5038% 5039There was once a mechanic named Bench 5040Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench. 5041 With this vibrant device 5042 He could reach, in a trice, 5043The innermost parts of a wench. 5044% 5045There was once a sad Maitre d'hotel 5046Who said, "They can all go to hell! 5047 What they do to my wife-- 5048 Why it ruins my life; 5049And the worst is, they all do it well. 5050% 5051There were three ladies of Huxham, 5052And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em, 5053 And when that game grows stale 5054 We sits on a rail, 5055And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em. 5056% 5057There were three young ladies of Birmingham, 5058And this is the scandal concerning 'em. 5059 They lifted the frock 5060 And tickled the cock 5061Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em. 5062 5063Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool, 5064He'd been to a good public school, 5065 So he took down their britches 5066 And buggered those bitches 5067With his ten-inch episcopal tool. 5068 5069Then up spoke a lady from Kew, 5070And said, as the Bishop withdrew, 5071 "The vicar is quicker 5072 And thicker and slicker, 5073And longer and stronger than you." 5074 -- Abuses of the Clergy 5075% 5076There's a charming young girl in Tobruk 5077Who refers to her quiff as a nook. 5078 It's deep and it's wide, 5079 -- You can curl up inside 5080With a nice easy chair and a book. 5081% 5082There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu 5083Who's often been screwed by yours truly, 5084 But now--it's appallin'-- 5085 My balls always fall in! 5086I fear that I've fucked her unduly. 5087% 5088There's a dowager near Sweden Landing 5089Whose manners are odd and demanding. 5090 It's one of her jests 5091 To suck off her guests -- 5092She hates to keep gentlemen standing. 5093% 5094There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock 5095Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock, 5096 But her cunt's got a pucker 5097 That's best not to fuck, or 5098When least you expect it to, it'll lock. 5099% 5100There's a rather odd couple in Herts 5101Who are cousins (or so each asserts); 5102 Their sex is in doubt 5103 For they're never without 5104Their moustaches and long, trailing skirts. 5105 -- Edward Gorey 5106% 5107There's a sports-minded coed named Sue, 5108Who's been coxing the varsity crew. 5109 In the shell Sue is great, 5110 But her boyfriend's irate, 5111When she calls out the stroke as they screw. 5112% 5113There's a tavern in London that's staffed, 5114By a barmaid who's tops at her craft: 5115 In her striving to please, 5116 She serves ale on her knees, 5117So the patrons get head with their draft. 5118% 5119There's a very hot babe at the Aggies 5120Who's to men what to bulls a red rag is. 5121 The seniors go round 5122 Hanging down to the ground, 5123And one extra-large Soph has to drag his. 5124% 5125There's a vicar who's classed as nefarious, 5126Since his shocking perversions are various... 5127 He will bugger some lad 5128 With a dildo (the cad!) 5129While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!" 5130% 5131There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts, 5132Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz. 5133 When one pireg is shot, 5134 There's that alternate twat, 5135But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts. 5136% 5137There's an oversexed lady named Whyte 5138Who insists on a dozen a night. 5139 A fellow named Cheddar 5140 Had the brashness to wed her- 5141His chance of survival is slight. 5142% 5143There's an unbroken babe from Toronto, 5144Exceedingly hard to get onto, 5145 But when you get there, 5146 And have parted the hair, 5147You can fuck her as much as you want to. 5148% 5149They had come in the fugue to the stretto 5150When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto 5151 Slipped forward and grabbed 5152 Her tresses and stabbed 5153Her to death with a rusty stiletto. 5154 -- Edward Gorey 5155% 5156Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz, 5157Was to do what man normally does, 5158 She declared, "I'm a Soul- 5159 Not a sexual goal!" 5160So he shrugged and called someone who was. 5161% 5162Though most of the crewmen are whites, 5163Uhura has full equal rights. 5164 Her crewmates, you see, 5165 Love De-mo-cra-cy, 5166And the way that she fills out her tights. 5167% 5168Though the invalid Saint of Brac 5169Lay all of his life on his back, 5170 His wife got her share, 5171 And the pilgrims now stare 5172At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque. 5173% 5174'Tis a custom in Castellamare 5175To fuck in the back of a lorry. 5176 The chassis and springs 5177 Are like woodwinds and strings 5178In the midst of a musical soiree. 5179% 5180To a weepy young woman in Thrums 5181Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes 5182 Of allowing your tears 5183 To fall into my ears - 5184I think they have rotted the drums." 5185 -- Edward Gorey 5186% 5187To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable. 5188Their fertility was somewhat unstable. 5189 He constructed a bed 5190 Out of tree trunks and said, 5191"Even adders can multiply on a log table." 5192% 5193To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish! 5194Your cunt is as big as a dish!" 5195 She replied, "Why, you fool, 5196 With your limp little tool 5197It's like driving a nail with a fish!" 5198% 5199To his bride said a numskull named Clarence : 5200"I trust you will show some forbearance. 5201 My sexual habits 5202 I picked up from rabbits, 5203And occasionally watching my parents." 5204% 5205To his bride said economist Fife : 5206"The semen you'll launch as my wife, 5207 We will salvage and freeze 5208 To resemble goat's cheese, 5209And slice for hors d'oeuvres with a knife." 5210% 5211To his bride said the keen-eyed detective, 5212"Can it be that my eyesight's defective? 5213 Has the east tit the least bit 5214 The best of the west tit, 5215Or is it the faulty perspective?" 5216% 5217To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective, 5218"Can it be that my eyesight's defective? 5219 Is your east tit the least bit 5220 The best of your west tit, 5221Or is it a trick of perspective?" 5222% 5223To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple, 5224As he poured his post-prandial tipple, 5225 "Your mother's behaviour 5226 Gave pain to Our Saviour, 5227And that's why He made you a cripple." 5228 -- Edward Gorey 5229% 5230Two anglers were fishing off Wight 5231And his bobber was dipping all night. 5232 Murmured she, with a laugh, 5233 "It's ready to gaff, 5234But don't break your rod which is light." 5235 5236A couple was fishing near Clombe 5237When the maid began looking quite glum, 5238 And said, "Bother the fish! 5239 I'd rather coish!" 5240Which they did -- which was why they had come. 5241 5242As two consular clerks in Madras 5243Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass, 5244 "What a marvelous pole," 5245 Said she, "but control 5246Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass." 5247% 5248Two eager young men from Cawnpore 5249Once buggared and fucked the same whore. 5250 But her partition split 5251 And the blood and the shit 5252Rolled out in a mess on the floor. 5253% 5254Two roosters in one of our pens 5255Found their pricks were no larger than wens. 5256 As they looked at their foreskins 5257 And wished they had more skins, 5258They discovered they'd both become hens. 5259% 5260Under the spreading chestnut tree 5261The village smith he sat, 5262 Amusing himself 5263 By abusing himself 5264And catching the load in his hat. 5265% 5266Une joile epousetta a Tours 5267Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours. 5268 Mais le mari disait, "Non! 5269 De trop n'est pas bon! 5270Mon derriere exige du secours!" 5271% 5272Visas erat: huic geminarum 5273Dispar modus testicularum: 5274 Minor haec nihili, 5275 Palma triplici, 5276Jam fecerat altera clarum. 5277% 5278We dedicate this to the cunt, 5279The kind the broad-minded guys hunt : 5280 All hail to the twat, 5281 Willing, thrilling, and hot, 5282That wears peckers down, limp and blunt! 5283% 5284When I was a baby, my penis 5285Was as white as the buttocks of Venus. 5286 But now 'this as red 5287 As her nipples instead-- 5288All because of the feminie genus! 5289% 5290When they asked a pert baggage name Alice, 5291Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace, 5292 "Was he modest or vain?" 5293 "Was he regal or plain?" 5294She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!" 5295% 5296When you fuck little Annie in Anza 5297You get a great bossom bonanza: 5298 Sucking Annie's soft tits 5299 Makes her throw fifty fits, 5300And the fuck is a sextravaganza! 5301% 5302While his duchess lay practically dead, 5303The Duke of Daguerrodargue said: 5304 "Can it be this is all? 5305 How puny! How small! 5306Have destroyed this disgrace to my bed." 5307 -- Edward Gorey 5308% 5309While I, with my usual enthusiasm, 5310Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm, 5311 She explained, "They are flat, 5312 But think nothing of that -- 5313You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm." 5314% 5315While out on a date in his Fiat, 5316The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?" 5317 As he bent down to seek, 5318 She let out a shriek: 5319"That's not where it's likely to be at." 5320% 5321While spending the winter at Pau 5322Lady Pamela forgot to say "No." 5323 So the head-porter made her 5324 And the second-cook laid her; 5325The waiters were all hanging low. 5326% 5327While Titian was mixing rose madder, 5328His model reclined on a ladder. 5329 Her position to Titian 5330 Suggested coition, 5331So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er. 5332% 5333While travelling in farthest Tibet, 5334Lord Irongate found cause to regret 5335 The buttered-up tea, 5336 A pain in his knee, 5337And the frivolous tourists he met. 5338 -- Edward Gorey 5339% 5340Winter is here with his grouch, 5341The time when you sneeze and you slouch. 5342 You can't take your women 5343 Canoein' or swimmin', 5344But a lot can be done on a couch. 5345% 5346With his penis in turgid erection, 5347And aimed at woman's mid-section, 5348 Man looks most uncouth 5349 In that Moment of Truth, 5350But she sheathes it with loving affection. 5351% 5352You Women's Lib gals won't agree, 5353But dependent on men you must be: 5354 You'll need a him 5355 With a rod firm and trim, 5356To puggle your water-drains free! 5357% 5358Young Frederick the great was a beaut. 5359To a guard he cried, "Hey, man, you're cute. 5360 If you'll come to my palace, 5361 I'll finger your phallus, 5362And then I shall blow on your flute." 5363% 5364You've heard of the bishop of Birmingham, 5365Well, here's the new story concerning 'im : 5366 He buggers the choir 5367 As they sing "Ave Maria," 5368And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em. 5369% 5370