1%% $FreeBSD: src/games/fortune/datfiles/limerick,v 1.3.2.1 2002/08/09 20:40:29 fanf Exp $ 2A bad little girl in Madrid, 3A most reprehensible kid, 4 Told her Tante Louise 5 That her cunt smelled like cheese, 6And the worst of it was that it did! 7% 8A bather whose clothing was strewed 9By breezes that left her quite nude, 10 Saw a man come along 11 And, unless I am wrong, 12You expected this line to be lewd. 13% 14A bather whose clothing was strewed 15By breezes that left her quite nude, 16 Saw a man come along 17 And, unless I'm quite wrong, 18You expected this line to be lewd. 19% 20A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? 21I am not I, I'm a tree." 22 But another, more sane, 23 Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" 24And covered his pants leg with pee. 25% 26A beautiful belle of Del Norte 27Is reckoned disdainful and haughty 28 Because during the day 29 She says: "Boys, keep away!" 30But she fucks in the gloaming like forty. 31% 32A beautiful lady named Psyche 33Is loved by a fellow named Ikey. 34 One thing about Ike 35 The lady can't like 36Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey. 37% 38A beetling young woman named Pridgets 39Had a violent abhorrence of midgets; 40 Off the end of a wharf 41 She once pushed a dwarf 42Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets. 43 -- Edward Gorey 44% 45A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression 46Sold cigars at a key-club concession. 47 When she swiveled about 48 Even strong men cried out, 49For her costume did not keep her flesh in. 50% 51A bobby of Nottingham Junction 52Whose organ had long ceased to function 53 Deceived his good wife 54 For the rest of her life 55With the aid of his constable's truncheon. 56% 57A broken-down harlot named Tupps 58Was heard to confess in her cups: 59 "The height of my folly 60 Was diddling a collie- 61But I got a nice price for the pups." 62% 63A broken-down harlot named Tupps 64Was heard to confess in her cups: 65 "The height of my folly 66 Was fucking a collie -- 67But I got a nice price for the pups." 68% 69A burlesque dancer, a pip 70Named Virginia, could peel in a zip; 71 But she read science fiction 72 And died of constriction 73Attempting a Moebius strip. 74 -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology" 75% 76A busy young lady named Gloria 77Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier 78 And then by six men, 79 Sir Gerald again, 80And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. 81% 82A cabin boy on an old clipper 83Grew steadily flipper and flipper. 84 He plugged up his ass 85 With fragments of glass 86And thus circumcised his old skipper. 87% 88A cautious young fellow named Lodge 89Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. 90 When his date was strapped in, 91 He committed a sin, 92Without even leaving his grodge. 93% 94A cautious young fellow named Lodge, 95Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. 96 With his date all strapped in 97 He committed a sin 98Without even leaving the garage. 99 -- "A Boy and His Dog" 100% 101A cautious young fellow named Tunney 102Had a whang that was worth any money. 103 When eased in half-way, 104 The girl's sigh made him say, 105"Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey." 106% 107A certain young man, it was noted, 108Went about in the heat thickly-coated; 109 He said, "You may scoff, 110 But I shan't take it off; 111Underneath I am horribly bloated." 112 -- Edward Gorey 113% 114A certain young person of Ghent, 115Uncertain if lady or gent, 116 Shows his organs at large 117 For a small handling charge 118To assist him in paying the rent. 119% 120A certain young sheik of Algiers 121Said to his harem, "My dears, 122 Though you may think it odd of me, 123 I'm tired of just sodomy 124Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!) 125% 126A chap down in Oklahoma 127Had a cock that could sing La Paloma, 128 But the sweetness of pitch 129 Couldn't put off the hitch 130Of impotence, size and aroma. 131% 132A charmer from old Amarillo, 133Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow, 134 Decided one day 135 That to keep men away 136She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo. 137% 138A chippy who worked in Black Bluff 139Had a pussy as large as a muff. 140 It had room for both hands 141 And some intimate glands, 142And was soft as a little duck's fluff. 143% 144A clerical student named Pryne 145Through pain sought to reach the divine: 146 He wore a hair shirt, 147 Quite often ate dirt, 148And bathed every Friday in brine. 149 -- Edward Gorey 150% 151A clever young man named Eugene 152Invented a jack-off machine. 153 On the twenty-third stroke 154 The fuckin' thing broke 155And beat both his balls to a creame. 156% 157A clever young man named Eugene 158Invented a jack-off machine. 159 On the twenty-third stroke 160 The goddam thing broke 161And beat both his balls to a creame. 162% 163A cocksucking steno named Beeman 164Remarked as she swallowed my semen : 165 "On my minuscule salary 166 I must watch every calorie, 167So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!" 168% 169A computer called Illiac4 170Had a rather tough bug in its core. 171 It chewed up its cards 172 And spewed yards and yards 173Of illegible tape on the floor. 174% 175A computer, to print out a fact, 176Will divide, multiply, and subtract. 177 But this output can be 178 No more than debris, 179If the input was short of exact. 180 -- Gigo 181% 182A contortionist hailing from Lynch 183Used to rent out his tool by the inch. 184 A foot cost a quid -- 185 He could and he did 186Stretch it to three in a pinch. 187% 188A corpulent maiden named Kroll 189Had a notion exceedingly droll: 190 At a masquerade ball, 191 Dressed in nothing at all, 192She backed in as a Parker House roll. 193% 194A couple was fishing near Clombe 195When the maid began looking quite glum, 196 And said, "Bother the fish! 197 I'd rather coish!" 198Which they did -- which was why they had come. 199% 200A cowhand way out in Seattle 201Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle. 202 He said, "No, I can't fuck 203 A lamb or a duck, 204But golly! it just fits the cattle." 205% 206A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison 207And had an affair with a Saracen. 208 She was not oversexed, 209 Or jealous or vexed, 210She just wanted to make a comparison. 211% 212A CS student named Lin 213Had a prick the size of a pin 214 It was no good for girls 215 But just great for squirrels 216Who squealed with delight with it in. 217% 218A cute little twerp from Samoa 219Had a cock of one inch and no moa. 220 It was good for keyholes 221 And debutantes' peeholes 222But not worth a damn on a whoa. 223% 224A daredevil skater named Lowe, 225Leaps barrels arranged in the snow, 226 But is proudest of doing, 227 Some incredible screwing, 228Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row! 229% 230A deep-throated virgin named Netty 231Was sucking a cock on the jetty. 232 She said, "It tastes nice, 233 Much better than rice, 234Though not quite as good as spaghetti." 235% 236A delighted, incredulous bride 237Remarked to her groom at her side : 238 "I never could quite 239 Believe till tonight 240Our anatomies would coincide." 241% 242A dentist, young doctor Malone, 243Got a charming girl patient alone, 244 And, in his depravity, 245 Filled the wrong cavity. 246God, how his practice has grown. 247% 248A despairing old landlord named Fyfe, 249With a frigid and quarrelsome wife, 250 Let his third-story front, 251 To a willing young cunt, 252Who supplied him a new lease on life! 253% 254A desperate spinster from Clare 255Once knelt in the moonlight all bare, 256 And prayed to her God 257 For a romp on the sod-- 258'Twas a passerby answered her prayer. 259% 260A distinguished professor from Swarthmore 261Got along with a sexy young sophomore. 262 As quick as a glance 263 He stripped off his pants, 264But he found that the sophomore'd got off more. 265% 266A doctoral student from Buckingham 267Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. 268 But a dropout from paree 269 Taught him Gamahuchee 270- so he added a footnote on sucking 'em. 271% 272A doctoral student from Buckingham 273Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. 274 But a dropout from paree 275 Taught him Gamahuchee 276So he added a footnote on sucking 'em. 277% 278A do-it-yourselfer named Alice, 279Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. 280 She blew her vagina 281 To South Carolina, 282And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas. 283 284A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill, 285Used two dynamite sticks for a dil. 286 They found her vagina, 287 In South Carolina, 288And part of her ass in Brazil. 289% 290A dolly in Dallas named Alice, 291Whose overworked sex is all callous, 292 Wore the foreskin away 293 On uncircumcised Ray, 294Through exuberance, tightness, and malice. 295% 296A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis 297Wished to foster an aura of menace; 298 To make people afraid 299 He wore gloves of grey suede 300And white footgear intended for tennis. 301 -- Edward Gorey 302% 303A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis 304Wished to foster an aura of menace. 305 To make people afraid 306 He wore gloves of grey suede 307And white footgear intended for tennis. 308 -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey" 309% 310A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd, 311Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred, 312 Had achieved some reknown 313 For her tone going down-- 314There's a nice civil tongue in her head. 315% 316A fair-haired young damsel named Grace 317Thought it very, very foolish to place 318 Her hand on your cock 319 When it turned hard as rock, 320For fear it would explode in your face. 321% 322A farmer I know named O'Doole 323Had a long and incredible tool. 324 He can use it to plow, 325 Or to diddle a cow, 326Or just as a cue-stick at pool. 327% 328A fellatrix's healthful condition 329Proved the value of spunk as nutrition. 330 Her remarkable diet 331 (I suggest that you try it) 332Was only her clients' emission. 333% 334A fellow whose surname was Hunt 335Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt: 336 This versatile spout 337 Could be turned inside out, 338Like a glove, and be used as a cunt. 339% 340A fisherman off of Cape Cod 341Said, "I'll bugger that tuna, by God!" 342 But the high-minded fish 343 Resented his wish, 344And nimbly swam off with his rod. 345% 346A foolish geologist from Kissen 347Just didn't know what he was missin', 348 By studying rock 349 And neglecting his cock, 350And using it merely for pissin'. 351% 352A Frenchman who lived in Alsace 353Had sex with a virgin named Grace. 354 When he popped her cherry, 355 She made things hairy 356By bleeding all over his face. 357% 358A frustrated lady named Alice 359Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. 360 They found her vagina 361 In North Carolina 362And bits of her tits were in Dallas. 363% 364A gay young prince from Morocco 365Made love in a manner rococco. 366 He painted his penis 367 To resemble a venus 368And flavored his semen with cocoa. 369% 370A geneticist living in Delft 371Scientifically played with himself, 372 And when he was done 373 He labled it: son, 374And filed him away on a shelf. 375% 376A geneticist living in Delft 377Scientifically played with himself, 378 And when he was done 379 He labled it: son, 380And filed him away on a shelf. 381A gentleman, otherwise meek, 382Detested with passion the leek; 383 When offered one out 384 He dealt such a clout 385To the maid, she was down for a week. 386 -- Edward Gorey 387% 388A gentleman, otherwise meek, 389Detested with passion the leek; 390 When offered one out 391 He dealt such a clout 392To the maid, she was down for a week. 393 -- Edward Gorey 394% 395A german composer named Bruckner 396Remarked to a lady while fuckener : 397 "Less lento, my dear, 398 With your cute little rear; 399I like a hot presto when muckener!" 400% 401A gift was delivered to Laura 402From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah; 403 Wrapped in tissue and crepe, 404 It was peeled, like a grape, 405And emitted a pale, greenish aura. 406 -- Edward Gorey 407% 408A gifted young fellow from Sparta 409Was widely renowned as a farta'. 410 He could fart anything 411 From "Of Thee I Sing," 412To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata." 413% 414A girl camper once had an affair 415With a fellow all covered with hair. 416 When she gave him his hat 417 She realized that 418She'd been had by Smokey the Bear. 419% 420A girl of the Enterprise crew 421Refused every offer to screw. 422 But a Vulcan named Spock 423 Crawled under her smock, 424And now she is eating for two. 425% 426A girl of uncertain nativity 427Had an ass of extreme sensitivity 428 While she sat on the lap 429 Of a German or Jap, 430She could sense Fifth Column activity. 431% 432A graduate student named Zac 433Was said to be great in the sack. 434 An inch of his boner 435 Put girls in a coma 436And two gave them epileptic attacks. 437% 438A graduate student named Zac 439Was said to be great in the sack. 440 An inch of his boner 441 Put girls in a coma 442And two gave them epileptic attacks. 443% 444A greedy young lady from Sidney 445Liked it in up to her kidney, 446 Till a man from Quebec 447 Shoved it up to her neck-- 448He really diddled her, didn' he? 449% 450A green-thumbed young farmer from Leeds 451Once swallowed a package of seeds. 452 In a month, his ass 453 Was covered with grass 454And his balls were grown over with weeds. 455% 456A guest in a household quite charmless 457Was informed its eccentric was harmless: 458 "If you're caught unawares 459 At the head of the stairs, 460Just remember, he's eyeless and armless." 461 -- Edward Gorey 462% 463A habit depraved and unsavory 464Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery 465 Midst screeches and howls 466 He deflowered young owls 467Which he kept in an underground aviary 468% 469A habit obscene and bizarre, 470Has taken a-hold of papa. 471 He brings home young camels 472 And other odd mammals, 473And gives them a go at mama. 474% 475A habit obscene and unsavory, 476Holds a CS professor in slavery. 477 With maniacal howls, 478 He deflowers young owls, 479That he keeps in an underground aviary. 480% 481A hacker who screwed a mag tape 482Was caught and convicted of rape. 483 To jail he did go, 484 From which, to his woe 485He couldn't get out with ESC. 486% 487A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk 488Made love to the drive of his disk. 489 The thing circumsized him, 490 Which rather suprised him. 491He wasn't aware of *that* risk. 492% 493A handsome young rodent named Gratian 494As a lifeguard became a sensation. 495 All the lady mice waved 496 And screamed to be saved 497By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation. 498% 499A happy old hooker named Grace 500Once sponsored a cunt-lapping race. 501 It was hard for beginners 502 To tell who were winners : 503There were cunt hairs all over the place. 504% 505A hardware debugger named Court 506Shoved his tool in an Ethernet port. 507 But its buffer array 508 Only handled 1K, 509So the port's driver cut it off short. 510% 511A haughty young wench of Del Norte 512Would fuck only men over forty. 513 Said she, "It's too quick 514 With a young fellow's prick; 515I like it to last, and be warty." 516% 517A headstrong young woman in Ealing 518Threw her two weeks' old child at the ceiling; 519 When quizzed why she did, 520 She replied, "To be rid 521Of a strange, overpowering feeling." 522 -- Edward Gorey 523% 524A hearty young fellow named Yost 525Once had an affair with a ghost. 526 At the height of the spasm 527 The poor ectoplasm 528Cried, "Goodie, I feel it ... almost." 529% 530A hearty young fellow named Yost 531Once had an affair with a ghost. 532 At the height of the spasm 533 The poor ectoplasm 534Cried, "Goodie, I feel it... almost." 535% 536A hidebound young virgin named Carrie 537Would say, when the fellows got hairy : 538 "Keep your prick in your pants 539 Till the end of this dance--" 540Which is why Carrie still has her cherry. 541% 542A highly aesthetic young Jew 543Had eyes of a heavenly blue; 544 The end of his dillie 545 Was shaped like a lilly, 546And his balls were too utterly two! 547% 548A highway patrol buff named Claire, 549Once screwed half a troop on a dare, 550 And her parts grew so hot, 551 There was steam on her twat, 552So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare! 553% 554A horny young fellow named Reg, 555Was jerking off under a hedge. 556 The gardener drew near 557 With a huge pruning shear, 558And trimmed off the edge of his wedge. 559% 560A huge-organed female in Dallas, 561Named Alice, who yearned for a phallus, 562 Was virgo intacto, 563 Because, ipso facto, 564No phallus in Dallas fit Alice. 565% 566A joker who haunts Monticello 567Is really a terrible fellow. 568 In the midst of caresses 569 He fills ladies dresses 570With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello. 571% 572A lacklustre lady of Brougham 573Weaveth all night at her loom. 574 Anon she doth blench 575 When her lord and his wench 576Pull a chain in the neighbouring room. 577% 578A lad, at his first copulation, 579Cried, "What a sensation! Inflation, 580 Gyration, elation 581 Throughout the duration, 582I guess I'll give up masturbation." 583% 584A lad from far-off Transvaal 585Was lustful, but tactful withal. 586 He'd say, just for luck, 587 "Mam'selle, do you fuck?" 588But he'd bow till he almost would crawl. 589% 590A lad of the brainier kind 591Had erogenous zones in his mind. 592 He got his sensations, 593 By solving equations, 594(Of course, in the end, he went blind.) 595% 596A lady born under a curse 597Used to drive forth each day in a hearse; 598 From the back she would wail 599 Through a thickness of veil: 600"Things do not get better, but worse." 601 -- Edward Gorey 602% 603A lady both callous and brash 604Met a man with a vast black moustache; 605 She cried, "Shave it, O do! 606 And I'll put it with glue 607On my hat as a sort of panache." 608 -- Edward Gorey 609% 610A lady from Kalamazoo 611Once found she had nothing to do, 612 So she sat on the stairs 613 And she counted her hairs: 6144,302. 615% 616A lady from Old Little Rock 617In fidelity took little stock, 618 And deserted her man 619 In the streets of Japan 620For a boy with a prehensile cock. 621% 622A lady removing her scanties, 623Heard them crackle electrical chanties. 624 Said her beau, "Have no fear, 625 For the reason is clear: 626You simply have amps in your panties. 627% 628A lady stockholder quite hetera 629Decided her fortune to bettera: 630 On the floor, quite unclad, 631 She successively had 632Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, et cetera... 633% 634A lady was seized with intent 635To revise her existence misspent. 636 So she climbed up the dome 637 Of St. Peter's in Rome, 638Where she stayed through the following Lent. 639 -- Edward Gorey 640% 641A lady while dining at Crewe 642Found an elephant's whang in her stew. 643 Said the waiter, "Don't shout, 644 And don't wave it about, 645Or the others will all want one too." 646% 647A lady, while dining in Crewe, 648Found an elephant's whang in her stew. 649 Said the waiter, "Don't shout 650 Or wave it about 651Or the others will ask for one, too." 652% 653A lady who signs herself "Vexed" 654Writes to say she believes she's been hexed: 655 "I don't mind my shins 656 Being stuck full of pins, 657But I fear I am coming unsexed." 658 -- Edward Gorey 659% 660A lady with features cherubic 661Was famed for her area pubic. 662 When they asked her its size 663 She replied in surprise, 664"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?" 665% 666A lass at the foot of her class 667Asked a brainier chick how to pass. 668 She replied, "With no fuss 669 You can get a B-plus, 670By letting the prof pat your ass." 671% 672A lecherous barkeep named Dale, 673After fucking his favorite female, 674 Mixed Drambuie and scotch 675 With the cream in her crotch 676For a lustier, Rusty-er Nail. 677% 678A licentious old justice of Salem 679Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em. 680 But instead of a fine 681 He would stand them in line, 682With his common-law tool to impale 'em. 683% 684A limerick packs laughs anatomical 685Into space that is quite economical. 686 But the good ones I've seen 687 So seldom are clean, 688And the clean ones so seldom are comical. 689% 690A linguist thought it a farce 691That memory space was so sparse. 692 One day they increased it. 693 Said he as he seized it: 694"At last! Enough core for the parse". 695% 696A lonely young lad of Eton 697Used always to sleep with the heat on, 698 Till he ran into a lass 699 Who showed him her ass -- 700Now they sleep with only a sheet on. 701% 702A lovely young diver named Nancy, 703Wore a bikini bottom quite chancy, 704 The fish of Bonaire, 705 Watched her Derriere, 706And the sea fans all tickled her fancy. 707% 708A lovely young maid from St. Jude 709Once rode through the streets in the nude. 710 The police cried, "Whatam-- 711 Agnificent bottom" 712And slapped it as hard as they could. 713% 714A lovely young maid from St. Jude 715Once rode through the streets in the nude. 716 The police cried, "Whatam-- 717 Agnificent bottom" 718And slapped it as hard as they cude. 719% 720A lusty young maid from Seattle 721Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle; 722 Till she found a bull 723 Who filled her so full 724It made both her ovaries rattle. 725% 726A lusty young woodsman of Maine 727For years with no woman had lain, 728 But he found sublimation 729 At a high elevation 730In the crotch of a pine -- God, the pain! 731% 732A madam who ran a bordello 733Put come in her pineapple jello, 734 For the rich, sexy taste 735 And not wanting to waste 736That greasy kid stuff from a fellow. 737% 738A maestro directing in Rome 739Had a quaint way of driving it home. 740 Whoever he climbed 741 Had to keep her tail timed 742To the beat of his old metronome. 743% 744A maiden who lived in Virginny 745Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny. 746 The horsey set rushed her, 747 But success finally crushed her 748For her tone soon became harsh and tinny. 749% 750A maiden who travelled in France 751Once got on a train, just by chance. 752 The engineer fucked her, 753 The conductor sucked her, 754And the fireman came in his pants. 755% 756A maiden who wrote of big cities 757Some songs full of love, fun and pities, 758 Sold her stuff at the shop 759 Of a musical wop 760Who played with her soft little titties. 761% 762A man was once heard to boast, 763That he received a parcel by post, 764 It contained, so we heard, 765 A magnificent turd, 766And the balls of his grandfather's ghost. 767% 768A marine being sent to Hong Kong 769Got a doctor to alter his dong. 770 He sailed off with a tool 771 Flat and thin as a rule - 772When he got there he found he was wrong. 773% 774A mathematician named Hall 775Had a hexhedronical ball, 776 And the square of its weight 777 Times his pecker's, plus eight, 778Was four-fifths of five-eighths of fuck-all. 779% 780A mathematician named Hall 781Has a hexahedronical ball, 782 And the cube of its weight 783 Times his pecker's, plus eight 784Is his phone number -- give him a call... 785% 786A mathematician named Klein 787Thought the Mobius band was divine. 788 Said he, "If you glue 789 The edges of two, 790You'll get a weird bottle like mine! 791% 792A middle-aged codger named Bruin 793Found his love life completely in ruin, 794 For he flirted with flirts 795 Wearing pants and no skirts, 796And he never got in for no screwin'. 797% 798A milkmaid there was, with a stutter, 799Who was lonely and wanted a futter. 800 She had nowhere to turn, 801 So she diddled a churn, 802And managed to come with the butter. 803% 804A mortician who practised in Fife 805Made love to the corpse of his wife. 806 "How could I know, Judge? 807 She was cold, did not budge-- 808Just the same as she'd acted in life." 809% 810A nasty old drunk in Carmel 811Thinks it funny to piss in the well. 812 He says, "Some don't favor 813 That unusual flavor, 814But I don't drink the stuff -- what the hell!" 815% 816A nervous young fellow named Fred 817Took a charming young widow to bed. 818 When he'd diddled a while 819 She remarked with a smile, 820"You've got it all in but the head." 821% 822A new dramatist of the absurd 823Has a voice that will shortly be heard. 824 I learn from my spies 825 He's about to devise 826An unprintable three-letter word. 827% 828A newlywed couple from Goshen 829Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean. 830 In twenty-eight days 831 They got laid eighty ways -- 832Imagine such fucking devotion! 833% 834A newly-wed man of Peru 835Found himself in a terrible stew: 836 His wife was in bed 837 Much deader than dead, 838And so he had no one to screw. 839% 840A notorious whore named Ms. Hearst, 841In the pleasures of men was well-versed. 842 Reads the sign o'er the head 843 Of her well-rumpled bed 844"The customer always comes first." 845% 846A novice was told by the Abbot: 847"Consider the goat and the rabbit. 848 While they roll in the hay 849 You just stay home and pray. 850You've got to get out of that habit." 851% 852A nudist resort at Benares 853Took a midget in all unawares. 854 But he made members weep 855 For he just couldn't keep 856His nose out of private affairs. 857% 858A nurse motivated by spite 859Tied her infantine charge to a kite; 860 She launched it with ease 861 On the afternoon breeze, 862And watched till it flew out of sight. 863 -- Edward Gorey 864% 865A pansy who lived in Khartoum 866Took a lesbian up to his room. 867 They argued all night 868 Over who had the right 869To do what, with which, and to whom. 870% 871A passionate red-haired girl 872When you kissed her, her senses would whirl, 873 And her twat would get wet, 874 And would wiggle and fret, 875And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl. 876% 877A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux 878Fell in love with a dashing young beau. 879 To arrest his regard 880 She would squat in his yard 881And longingly pee in the sneaux. 882% 883A petulant man once said, "Pish, 884Your cunt is as big as a dish." 885 She replied, "Why, you fool, 886 With your limp little tool, 887It's like driving a pin with a fish." 888% 889A physical fellow named Fisk 890Could screw at a rate very brisk. 891 So fast was his action 892 The Fitzgerald contraction 893Would shrink up his rod to a disk. 894% 895A pious old woman named Tweak 896Had taught her vagina to speak. 897 It was frequently liable 898 To quote from the Bible, 899But when fucking -- not even a squeak! 900% 901A pious young lady named Finnegan 902Would caution her friend, "Well, you're in again; 903 So time it aright, 904 Make it last through the night, 905For I certainly don't want to sin again!" 906% 907A pious young lady of Chichester 908Made all of the saints in their niches stir 909 And each morning at matin 910 Her breast in pink satin 911Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir. 912% 913A playful young chemist named Byrd 914Had an urge that could not be deferred. 915 So to irritate Knox 916 He shit in his sox, 917And plastered the walls with his turd. 918% 919A plumber whose name was John Brink 920Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink. 921 Her resistance was stout, 922 And John Brink petered out, 923With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink. 924% 925A potter who lived in Bombay 926Once fashioned a cunt out of clay; 927 But the heat of his prick 928 Kilned the damn thing to brick 929And chafed all his foreskin away. 930% 931A pretty wife living in Tours 932Demanded her daily amour. 933 But the husband said, "No! 934 It's to much. Let it go! 935My backsides are dragging the floor." 936% 937A pretty young boy known as Kevin 938Was raped in a pasture by seven 939 Lascivious beasts 940 (Oh, those Anglican priests) 941And such is the Kingdom of Heaven. 942% 943A pretty young lady named Vogel 944Once sat herself down on a molehill. 945 A curious mole 946 Nosed into her hole -- 947Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. 948% 949A pretty young lady named Vogel 950Once sat herself down on a molehill. 951 A curious mole 952 Nosed into her hole -- 953Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill. 954% 955A pretty young lady named Vogel 956Once sat herself down on a molehill. 957 A curious mole 958 Nosed into her hole- 959Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. 960% 961A pretty young lady named Vogel 962Once sat herself down on a molehill. 963 A curious mole 964 Nosed into her hole -- 965Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill. 966% 967A pretty young maiden from France 968Decided she'd "just take a chance." 969 She let herself go 970 For an hour or so, 971And now all her sisters are aunts. 972% 973A princess who lived near a bog 974Met a prince in the form of a frog. 975 Now she and her prince 976 Are the parents of quints, 977Four boys and one fine polliwog. 978% 979A princess who reigned in Baroda 980Made her home on a purple pagoda. 981 She festooned the walls 982 Of her halls with the balls 983And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'. 984% 985A programmer down in Moline 986Said, I'm the match for any machine. 987 My secret's aversion, 988 To loops and recursion, 989Just acres of in-line routine. 990 -- W.J. Wilson 991% 992A progressive professor named Winners 993Held classes each evening for sinners. 994 They were graded and spaced 995 So the vile and debased 996Would not be held back by beginners. 997% 998A rapist who reeked of cheap booze 999Attempted to ravish Miss Hughes. 1000 She cried, "I suppose 1001 There's no time for my clothes, 1002But PLEASE let me take off my shoes!" 1003% 1004A rapturous young fellatrix 1005One day was at work on five pricks. 1006 With an unholy cry 1007 She whipped out her glass eye: 1008"Tell the boys I can now take on six." 1009% 1010A reckless young lady of France 1011Had no qualms about taking a chance, 1012 But she thought it was crude 1013 To get screwed in the nude, 1014So she always went home with damp pants. 1015% 1016A remarkable race are the Persians; 1017They have such peculiar diversions. 1018 They make love the whole day 1019 In the usual way 1020And save up the nights for perversions. 1021% 1022A remarkable race are the Persians, 1023They have such peculiar diversions. 1024 They screw the whole day 1025 In the regular way, 1026And save up the nights for perversions. 1027% 1028A responsive young girl from the East 1029In bed was an able artiste. 1030 She had learned two positions 1031 From family physicians, 1032And ten more from the old parish priest. 1033% 1034A romantic attraction has clung 1035To a chap of whom damsels have sung: 1036 "'Tis the Scourge from the East, 1037 That lascivious beast 1038Who was known as Attila the Hung!" 1039% 1040A sailor who slept in the sun, 1041Woke to find his fly buttons undone, 1042 He remarked with a smile, 1043 "Good grief, a sun-dial! 1044And now it's a quarter-past one." 1045% 1046A savvy young hooker named Gail 1047Got busted and lodged in the jail. 1048 But the jailer got hot, 1049 To be lodged in her twat, 1050And so Gail made the bail with her tail. 1051% 1052A scandal involving an oyster 1053Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister 1054 She preferred it, in bed, 1055 To the count (so she said) 1056'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister. 1057% 1058A scream from the crypt of St. Giles 1059Resounded for miles upon miles. 1060 Said the friar, "Good gracious, 1061 The brother Ignatious 1062Forgeteth the abbot hath piles." 1063% 1064A seafaring hacker named Slatey 1065Went to bed with a VAX/780. 1066 The thing's learned to swear 1067 With a nautical air, 1068And refers to its users as "matey". 1069% 1070A sex-loving coed named Bree 1071Caught the clap from her Apple IIE. 1072 The joystick, she found, 1073 Had been fooling around 1074With a neighboring student's PC. 1075% 1076A silly young man from Hong Kong 1077Had hands that were skinny and long. 1078 He ate rice with his fingers-- 1079 The taste of it lingers, 1080But now all his fingers are gone. 1081% 1082A slick talking pirate named Bruce 1083To steal code, had a plan to seduce 1084 An Apple II+. 1085 Now Bruce wears a truss 1086And was jailed for computer abuse. 1087% 1088A software technician from Digital 1089Had hardware extremely prodigical. 1090 It's rumoured, I hear, 1091 That when he was near 1092He made the ladies all flustered and fidgital. 1093% 1094A space shuttle pilot named Ventry, 1095Made love to a lovely girl sentry. 1096 She started to pout, 1097 Because it fell out, 1098But the mission was saved by re-entry. 1099% 1100A sperm faced, alack and forsooth, 1101His moment of sexual truth. 1102 He'd expected to fall 1103 On a womb's spongy wall 1104But was dashed to his death on a tooth. 1105% 1106A spinster in Kalamazoo 1107Once strolled after dark by the zoo. 1108 She was seized by the nape, 1109 And fucked by an ape, 1110And she murmured, "A wonderful screw." 1111 1112And she added, "You're rough, yes, and hairy, 1113But I hope -- yes I do -- that I marry 1114 A man with a prick 1115 Half as stiff and as thick 1116As the kind that you zoo-keepers carry." 1117% 1118A spunky young schoolboy named Fred 1119Used totoss off each night while in bed. 1120 Said his mother, "Dear lad, 1121 That's exceedingly bad-- 1122Jump in here with your mamma instead." 1123% 1124A starship commander named Kirk 1125Emerged from his cabin berserk. 1126 He grabbed a girl yeoman 1127 Beneath the abdomen, 1128And gave her a physical jerk. 1129% 1130A stout Gaelic warrior, McPherson, 1131Was having a captive, a person 1132 Who was not averse 1133 Though she had the curse, 1134And he'd breeches of bristling furs on. 1135% 1136A structured programmer named Drew 1137Was intensely turned on by "goto". 1138 When he saw it in code 1139 He'd shoot off his load. 1140It's a good thing his shop used so few. 1141% 1142A studious professor named Nestor 1143Bet a whore all his books that he could best her. 1144 But she drained out his balls 1145 And skipped up the walls, 1146Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her. 1147% 1148A sweetheart named Teresa Arden 1149Went down on her beau in the garden. 1150 He said, "Good lord, Tess, 1151 Don't swallow that mess " 1152And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?" 1153% 1154A sweetheart named Teresa Arden 1155Went down on her beau in the garden. 1156 He said, "Good lord, Tess, 1157 Don't swallow that mess!" 1158And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?" 1159% 1160A systems programmer named Sprotic 1161Found his software intensely erotic. 1162 In jealous distress 1163 He wiped his OS. 1164It's possible that he's psychotic. 1165% 1166A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm, 1167Was renowned for her fine paroxysm. 1168 While the man detumesced 1169 She still spent on with zest, 1170Her rapture sheer anachronism. 1171% 1172A talented girl from Detroit 1173Could fuck you in ways quite adroit. 1174 She could squeeze her vagina 1175 To a pin-point or finer 1176Or open it out like a quoit. 1177% 1178A team playing baseball in Dallas 1179Called te umpire blind out of malice. 1180 While this worthy had fits 1181 The team made eight hits 1182And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. 1183% 1184A team playing baseball in Dallas 1185Called the umpire blind out of malice. 1186 While this worthy had fits 1187 The team made eight hits 1188And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. 1189% 1190A teenage protester named Lil 1191Cried, "Those watergate spies make me ill 1192 First they bugged our martinis, 1193 Our bras and bikinis, 1194And now they are bugging the pill." 1195% 1196A thrice-married gal from L.A. 1197Said, "My hymen's intact to this day, 1198 'Cause my first (a shrink) talked of it, 1199 The voyeur only gawked at it, 1200And my most recent man's a gourmet." 1201% 1202A tidy young lady of Streator 1203Dearly loved to nibble a peter. 1204 She always would say, 1205 "I prefer it this way. 1206I think it is very much neater." 1207% 1208A timid young woman named Jane 1209Found parties a terrible strain; 1210 With movements uncertain 1211 She'd hide in a curtain 1212And make sounds like a rabbit in pain. 1213 -- Edward Gorey 1214% 1215A tired young trollop of Nome 1216Was worn out from her toes to her dome. 1217 Eight miners came screwing, 1218 But she said, "Nothing doing; 1219One of you has to go home!" 1220% 1221A trapper named Francois Lefebrve 1222Once captured and buggered a beabrve. 1223 The result of this fuck 1224 Was a three titted duck, 1225A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve. 1226% 1227A tutor who tooted a flute 1228Tried to tutor two tutors to toot 1229 Said the two to the tutor: 1230 "Is it harder to toot or 1231To tutor two tutors to toot" 1232% 1233A vengeful technician named Schmitz 1234Caused a disk drive to go on the fritz. 1235 He covered the platter 1236 With bats' fecal matter. 1237Now it's seek time is really the pits. 1238% 1239A very intelligent turtle 1240Found programming UNIX a hurdle 1241 The system, you see, 1242 Ran as slow as did he, 1243And that's not saying much for the turtle. 1244% 1245A very odd pair are the Pitts: 1246His balls are as large as her tits, 1247 Her tits are as large 1248 As an invasion barge-- 1249Neither knows how the other cohabits. 1250% 1251A wanton young lady from Wimley 1252Reproached for not acting quite primly 1253 Said, "Heavens above! 1254 I know sex isn't love, 1255But it's such an entrancing facsimile." 1256% 1257A water pipe suited miss Hunt; 1258She used it for many a bunt. 1259 But the unlucky wench 1260 Got it caught in her trench --- 1261It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench, 1262To get the thing out of her cunt. 1263% 1264A water pipe suited miss Hunt; 1265She used it for many a bunt. 1266 But the unlucky wench 1267 Got it caught in her trench --- 1268It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench, 1269To get the thing out of her cunt. 1270% 1271A weary old lecher named Blott 1272Took a luscious young blond to his yacht. 1273 Too lazy to rape her, 1274 He made darts out of paper, 1275Which he leisurely tossed at her twat. 1276% 1277A whimsical fellow named Bloch 1278Could beat the base drum with his cock. 1279 With a special erection 1280 He could play a selection 1281From Johann Sebastian Bach. 1282% 1283A wicked stone cutter named Cary 1284Drilled holes in divine statuary. 1285 With eyes full of malice 1286 He pulled out his phallus, 1287And buggered a stone Virgin Mary. 1288% 1289A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket 1290Had a hole as big as a basket. 1291 A spot, as a bride, 1292 In it now, you could hide, 1293And include with your luggage your mascot. 1294% 1295A widow whose singular vice 1296Was to keep her late husband on ice 1297 Said, "It's been hard since I lost him -- 1298 I'll never defrost him! 1299Cold comfort, but cheap at the price." 1300% 1301A wonderful bird is the pelican. 1302His mouth can hold more than his belican. 1303 He can take in his beak 1304 Enough food for a week. 1305And I'm darned if I know how the helican. 1306% 1307A wonderful bird is the pelican. 1308His mouth can hold more than his belican. 1309 He can take in his beak 1310 Enough food for a week. 1311I'm darned if I know how the helican. 1312% 1313A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies, 1314Renowned for the length of their peenies. 1315 The hair on their balls 1316 Sweeps the floors of their halls, 1317But they don't look at women, the meanies. 1318% 1319A wood-fetish busboy named Gable 1320Is rapid, is thorough, is able; 1321 But when everything's cleared, 1322 He gives way to the weird, 1323As he lovingly busses each table. 1324% 1325A worn-out young husband named Lehr 1326Her daily his wife's plaintive prayer: 1327 "Slip on a sheath, quick, 1328 Then slip your big dick 1329Between these lips covered with hair." 1330% 1331A worried young man from Stamboul 1332Discovered red spots on his tool. 1333 Said the doctor, a cynic, 1334 "Get out of my clinic 1335Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool." 1336% 1337A worried young man from Stamboul 1338Founds lots of red spots on his tool. 1339 Said the doctor, a cynic, 1340 "Get out of my clinic; 1341Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!" 1342% 1343A young bride and groom of Australia 1344Remarked as they joined genitalia : 1345 "Though the system seems odd, 1346 We are thankful that God 1347Developed the genus Mammalia." 1348% 1349A young fellow discovered through Freud 1350That although of penis devoid, 1351 He could practice coitus 1352 By eating a foetus, 1353And his parents were quite overjoyed. 1354% 1355A young Juliet of St. Louis 1356On a balcony stood acting screwy. 1357 Her Romeo climbed, 1358 But he wasn't well timed, 1359And half-way up, off he went -- blooey! 1360% 1361A young lad named Lester McGraw 1362Caught a stranger on top of his Maw. 1363 As he watched him stick her 1364 He said, with a snicker, 1365"You do it much faster than Paw." 1366% 1367A young lady sat by the sea, 1368Just as proper as proper could be. 1369 A young fellow goosed her, 1370 And roughly seduced her, 1371So she thanked him and went home to tea. 1372% 1373A young lady who lived by the Usk 1374Subsisted each day on a rusk; 1375 She ate the first bite 1376 Before it was light, 1377And the last crumb sometime after dusk. 1378 -- Edward Gorey 1379% 1380A young lass got married at Chester; 1381Her mother she kissed and she blessed her. 1382 Said she, "You're in luck -- 1383 'E's a stunning good fuck, 1384For I've 'ad 'im meself down in Leicester." 1385% 1386A young maiden from France was no prude, 1387She decided to dive in the nude, 1388 But her buddy, behind, 1389 Went out of his mind, 1390When he noticed where she was tatooed. 1391% 1392A young man by a girl was desired 1393To give her the thrills she required, 1394 But he died of old age 1395 Ere his cock could assuage 1396The volcanic desire it inspired. 1397% 1398A young man from the banks of the Po 1399Found his cock had elongated so, 1400 That when he'd pee 1401 It was never he 1402But only his neighbors who'd know. 1403% 1404A young man grew increasingly peaky 1405In a house where the hinges were squeaky, 1406 The ferns curled up brown, 1407 The ceilings flaked down, 1408And all of the faucets were leaky. 1409 -- Edward Gorey 1410% 1411A young man maintained that his trigger 1412Was so big that there weren't any bigger. 1413 But this long and thick pud 1414 Was so heavy it could 1415Scarcely lift up its head. It lacked vigor. 1416% 1417A young man of acumen and daring, 1418Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring, 1419 Was left quite alone 1420 When it soon became known 1421That their use at his board was unsparing. 1422 -- Edward Gorey 1423% 1424A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll 1425While bent over plucking a dingle 1426 Had the whole of Eisteddfod 1427 Taking turns at his pod 1428While they sang some impossible jingle. 1429% 1430A young man with passions quite gingery 1431Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie. 1432 He slapped her behind 1433 And made up his mind 1434To add incest to insult and injury. 1435% 1436A young polo-player of Berkeley 1437Made love to his sweetheart beserkly. 1438 In the midst of each chukker 1439 He would break off and fuck her 1440Horizontally, laterally and verkeley. 1441% 1442A young systems programmer of Sprotic 1443Found his software intensely erotic. 1444 In jealous distress 1445 He wiped his OS. 1446It's possible that he's a psychotic. 1447% 1448A young violinist from Rio 1449Was seducing a woman named Cleo. 1450 As she took down her panties 1451 She said, "No andantes; 1452I want this allegro con brio!" 1453% 1454A young wife in the outskirts of Reims 1455Preferred frigging to going to mass. 1456 Said her husband, "Take Jacques, 1457 Or any young cock, 1458For I cannot live up to your ass." 1459% 1460A young woman got married at Chester, 1461Her mother she kissed her and blessed her. 1462 Says she, "You're in luck, 1463 He's a stunning good fuck, 1464For I've had him myself down in Leicester." 1465% 1466According to experts, the oyster 1467In its shell - a crustacean cloister - 1468 May frequently be 1469 Either he or a she 1470Or both, if it should be its choice ter. 1471% 1472Alas for the Countess d'Isere, 1473Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair. 1474 Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!" 1475 When he parted her thighs; 1476"Magnifique! Pourtant pas de la guerre." 1477% 1478All the female apes ran from King Kong 1479For his dong was unspeakably long. 1480 But a friendly giraffe 1481 Quaffed his yard and a half, 1482And ecstatically burst into song. 1483% 1484An aesthete from South Carolina 1485Had a cock that tickled like China, 1486 But while shooting his load 1487 It cracked like old Spode, 1488So he's bought him a Steuben vagina. 1489% 1490An agreeable girl named Miss Doves 1491Likes to jack off the young men she loves. 1492 She will use her bare fist 1493 If the fellows insist 1494But she really prefers to wear gloves. 1495% 1496An AI researcher named Bluth 1497Wrote, to find out the sexual truth, 1498 Eroticon VI, 1499 Which he taught certain tricks 1500Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth. 1501% 1502An amazon giantess named Dunne 1503Let a midget screw her for fun. 1504 But the poor little runt 1505 Was engulfed in her cunt 1506And re-born as the twin of his son. 1507% 1508An ambitious lady named Harriet 1509Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot 1510 By seventeen sailors 1511 A monk and three tailors, 1512Mohammed and Judas Iscariot. 1513% 1514An anonymous woman we knew 1515Was dozing one day in her pew; 1516 When the preacher yelled "Sin!" 1517 She said, "Count me in 1518As soon as the service is through." 1519% 1520An architect fellow named Yoric 1521Could, when feeling euphoric, 1522 Display for selection 1523 Three kinds of erection- 1524Corinthian, ionic, and doric. 1525% 1526An architect fellow named Yoric 1527Could, when feeling euphoric, 1528 Display for selection 1529 Three kinds of erection- 1530Corinthian,ionic,and doric. 1531% 1532An ardent young man named Magruder 1533Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda. 1534 She thought it quite lewd 1535 To be wooed in the nude, 1536But magruder was shrewder, he screwed her. 1537% 1538An Argentine gaucho named Bruno 1539Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know. 1540 Women are fine 1541 And sheep are divine 1542But llamas are numero uno." 1543% 1544An ARPAnaut name of Corvette 1545Had a fetish involving the net. 1546 As he fondled his IMP 1547 His cock went from limp 1548To as hard as concrete which has set. 1549% 1550An arrogant wench from Salt Lake 1551Liked to tease all the boys on the make. 1552 She was finally the prize 1553 Of a man twice her size 1554And all she recalls is the ache. 1555% 1556An artist who lived in Australia 1557Once painted his ass like a Dahlia. 1558 The drawing was fine, 1559 The colour - devine, 1560The scent - ah, that was a failia. 1561% 1562An artist who lived in Australia 1563Once painted his ass like a Dahlia. 1564 The drawing was fine, 1565 The colour - divine, 1566The scent - ah, that was a failia. 1567% 1568An eager young hacker named Gus 1569Once buggered a VAX Unibus. 1570 The hardware went bad, 1571 But not the young lad 1572(Except for the toupee and truss). 1573% 1574An eager young hacker named Gus 1575Once buggered a VAX Unibus. 1576 The hardware went bad, 1577 But not the young lad 1578He didn't expect all that fuss! 1579% 1580An Edwardian father named Udgeon, 1581Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon, 1582 Used on Saturday nights 1583 To turn down the lights, 1584And chase them around with a bludgeon. 1585 -- Edward Gorey 1586% 1587An envious girl named McMeanus 1588Was jealous of her lover's big penis. 1589 It was small consolation 1590 That the rest of the nation 1591Of women were with her in weeness. 1592% 1593An exotic young lady named Suki 1594Once danced in a troupe of kabuki 1595 When asked for a fuck 1596 She said, "Solly, no luck-- 1597See here: looky looky, no nuki " 1598% 1599An impish young fellow named James 1600Had a passion for idiot games. 1601 He lighted the hair 1602 Of his lady's affair 1603And laughed as she pissed through the flames. 1604% 1605An impotent Scot named MacDougall 1606Had to husband his sperm and be frugal. 1607 He was gathering semen 1608 To gender a he-man, 1609By screwing his wife through a bugle. 1610% 1611An incautious young woman named Venn 1612Was seen with the wrong sort of men; 1613 She vanished one day, 1614 But the following May 1615Her legs were retrieved from a fen. 1616 -- Edward Gorey 1617% 1618An indefatigable woman named Bavel 1619Had often occasion to travel; 1620 On the way she would sit 1621 And furiously knit, 1622And on the way back she'd unravel. 1623 -- Edward Gorey 1624% 1625An ingenious young man in South Bend 1626Made a synthetic ass for a friend, 1627 But the friend shortly found 1628 Its construction unsound, 1629It was simply a bother -- no end. 1630% 1631An innocent maiden named Herridge 1632Was cruelly tricked ito marriage; 1633 When she later found out 1634 What her spouse was about, 1635She threw herself under a carriage. 1636 -- Edward Gorey 1637% 1638An inquisitive virgin named Dora 1639Asked the man who started to bore 'er : 1640 "Do you mean birds and bees 1641 Go through antics like these, 1642To suppy us our fauna and flora?" 1643% 1644An irate young lady named Booker 1645Told her husband, "You beast, I'm no hooker! 1646 If you want it queer ways, 1647 Go to whores for your lays!" 1648So he packed up his tool and forsook 'er. 1649% 1650An octagenerian Jew 1651To his wife remained steadfastly true. 1652 This was not from compunction, 1653 But due to dysfunction 1654Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you. 1655% 1656An old couple just at Shrovetide 1657Were having a piece -- when he died. 1658 The wife for a week 1659 Sat tight on his peak, 1660And bounced up and down as she cried. 1661% 1662An old electronic designer 1663Had designs on a minor named Dinah. 1664 He couldn't carry them out 1665 For his prick was too stout, 1666And too small was the minor's vagina. 1667% 1668An old gentleman's crotchets and quibblings 1669Were a terrible trial to his siblings, 1670 But he was not removed 1671 Till one day it was proved 1672That the bell-ropes were damp with his dribblings. 1673 -- Edward Gorey 1674% 1675An old maid who had a pet ape 1676Lived in fear of perpetual rape. 1677 His red, hairy phallus 1678 So filled her with malice 1679That she sealed up her snatch with Scotch tape. 1680% 1681An old man at the Folies Bergere 1682Had a jock, a most wondrous affair: 1683 It snipped off a twat-curl 1684 From each new chorus girl, 1685And he had a wig made of the hair. 1686% 1687An organist playing in York 1688Had a prick that could hold a small fork, 1689 And between obbligatos 1690 He'd munch at tomatoes, 1691To keep up his strength while at work. 1692% 1693An orgasmic young sex star named Sue 1694Was a hit as she writhed to a screw. 1695 Her climatic fame spread 1696 With an ad blitz that said: 1697Coming soon at a theater near you! 1698% 1699An uptight young lady named Breerley 1700Who valued her morals too dearly 1701 Had sex, so I hear, 1702 Only once every year, 1703And she strained her vagina severely. 1704% 1705And earnest young woman in Thrace 1706Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!" 1707 So he gave her a thwack, 1708 And did on her back, 1709What he couldn't have done face to face. 1710% 1711And then there's the story that's fraught 1712With disaster -- of balls that got caught, 1713 When a chap took a crap 1714 In the woods, and a trap 1715Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought! 1716% 1717As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops 1718Is a kinky old butcher named Pops. 1719 Since he thinks it's effete 1720 To be beating his meat, 1721What he's into is licking his chops. 1722% 1723As he came in his chubby choirboy, 1724Father Burke said, "There's no greater joy! 1725 If no sodomy levens 1726 And possible heavens, 1727Existence will merely annoy." 1728% 1729As the breeches-buoy swing towards the rocks, 1730Its occupant cried, "Save my socks! 1731 I could not bear the loss, 1732 For with scarlet silk floss 1733My mama has embroidered their clocks." 1734 -- Edward Gorey 1735% 1736As tourists inspected the apse 1737An ominous series of raps 1738 Came from under the altar, 1739 Which caused some to falter 1740And others to shriek and collapse. 1741 -- Edward Gorey 1742% 1743Asked a supplicant priest of the pontiff, 1744"Do I sin if I do what I want, if 1745 I screw a young nun 1746 In the eastertide sun?" 1747His holiness murmured, "Gut yontiff." 1748% 1749At a contest for farting in Butte 1750One lady's exertion was cute : 1751 It won the diploma 1752 For fetid aroma, 1753And three judges were felled by the brute. 1754% 1755At a dance, a girl from Connecticut 1756Showed an absolute absence of etiquette 1757 Letting all comers press 1758 Through the skirt of her dress 1759And wiping the mess with her petticoat. 1760% 1761At the end of all civilization 1762Is the planet Terminus's location. 1763 There's a girl there whose feat, 1764 Without stone or concrete, 1765Nonetheless, was to lay the Foundation. 1766% 1767At the moment Japan declared war 1768A sailor was fucking a whore. 1769 He said, "After this poke 1770 `Long and hard' ain't no joke; 1771This means months 'til I get back ashore." 1772% 1773At the Villa Nemetia the sleepers 1774Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers; 1775 It beats all night long 1776 A dirge on a gong 1777As it staggers about in the creepers. 1778 -- Edward Gorey 1779% 1780At Vassar, sex isn't injurious, 1781Though of love we are never penurious. 1782 Thanks to vulcanized aids, 1783 Though we may die old maids, 1784At least we shall never die curious. 1785% 1786At whist drives and strawberry teas 1787Fan would giggle and show off her knees; 1788 But when she was alone 1789 She'd drink eau de cologne, 1790And weep from a sense of unease. 1791 -- Edward Gorey 1792% 1793Augustus, for slpashing his soup, 1794Was put for the night on the stoop; 1795 In the morning he'd not 1796 Repented a jot, 1797And next day he was dead of the croup. 1798 -- Edward Gorey 1799% 1800Augustus, for splashing his soup, 1801Was put for the night on the stoop; 1802 In the morning he'd not 1803 Repented a jot, 1804And next day he was dead of the croup. 1805 -- Edward Gorey 1806% 1807Back in the days of old Adam 1808The grass served as mattress for madam, 1809 And they spent the whole day 1810 On the sex that today 1811They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em. 1812% 1813Each Friday his engines abort, 1814But Scotty is never caught short. 1815 He fills his machines 1816 With space-navy beans, 1817And farts the ship back into port. 1818% 1819Each night Father fills me with dread 1820When he sits on the foot of my bed; 1821 I'd not mind that he speaks 1822 In gibbers and squeaks, 1823But for the seventeen years he's been dead. 1824 -- Edward Gorey 1825% 1826Each night Father fills me with dread 1827When he sits on the foot ofmy bed; 1828 I'd not mind that he speaks 1829 In gibbers and squeaks, 1830But for the seventeen years he's been dead. 1831 -- Edward Gorey 1832% 1833From deep in the crypt at St. Giles 1834Came a bellow that echoed for miles. 1835 Said the rector, "My gracious, 1836 Has Father Ignatius 1837Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?" 1838% 1839From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews, 1840There is really abominable news; 1841 They've discovered a head 1842 In the box for the bread, 1843But nobody seems to know whose. 1844 -- Edward Gorey 1845% 1846From the bathing machine came a din 1847As of jollification within; 1848 It was heard far and wide, 1849 And the incoming tide 1850Had a definite flavour of gin. 1851 -- Edward Gorey 1852% 1853"Fucked by the finger of Fate!" 1854Bewailed a young fellow named Tate. 1855 "Since dating Miss Baugh, 1856 My whole tongue has been raw-- 1857It must have been something I ate." 1858% 1859In the case of a lady named Frost, 1860Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost, 1861 It's the best part of valor 1862 To bugger the gal, or 1863You're apt to fall in and get lost. 1864% 1865In the Garden of Eden lay Adam, 1866Complacently stroking his madam, 1867 And loud was his mirth 1868 For on all of the earth 1869There were only two balls -- and he had 'em. 1870% 1871In the garden of Eden lay Adam, 1872Complacently stroking his madam 1873 And loud was his mirth 1874 For on all of the earth 1875There were only two balls and he had'em. 1876% 1877In the little French town of Le'Beau, 1878Lived a maiden exceedingly droll. 1879 At a masquerade ball, 1880 Clad in nothing at all, 1881She backed in as a Parker house roll. 1882% 1883It always delights me at Hank's 1884To walk up the old river banks. 1885 One time in the grass 1886 I stepped on an ass, 1887And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks." 1888% 1889It had snowed, and the man in the drift, 1890Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?" 1891 They sat in her Bentley, 1892 She fondled him gently, 1893And the lift that he'd asked for was swift! 1894% 1895The late Brigham Young was no neuter -- 1896No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter. 1897 Where ten thousand virgins 1898 Succumbed to his urgin's 1899There now stands the great State of Utah. 1900% 1901The latest reports from Good Hope 1902State that apes there have pricks thick as rope, 1903 And fuck high, wide, and free, 1904 From the top of one tree 1905To the top of the next -- what a scope! 1906% 1907The limerick, a verse form iniquitous, 1908Has nonetheless been ubiquitous. 1909 Once Congress in session, 1910 Declared its suppression, 1911But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter. 1912% 1913The limerick is furtive and mean; 1914You must keep her in close quarantine, 1915 Or she sneaks to the slums 1916 And promptly becomes 1917Disorderly, drunk, and obscene. 1918 -- Morris Bishop 1919% 1920The limerick is furtive and mean; 1921You must keep her in close quarantine, 1922 Or she sneaks to the slums 1923 And promptly becomes 1924Disorderly, drunk, and obscene. 1925 -- Morris Bishop 1926% 1927The old archeologist, Throstle, 1928Discovered a marvelous fossil. 1929 He knew from its bend 1930 And the knot on the end, 1931T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle. 1932% 1933There a young man from the Coast 1934Who had an affair with a ghost. 1935 At the height of orgasm 1936 Said the pallid phantasm, 1937"I think I can feel it -- almost!" 1938% 1939There once was a bishop from Birmingham 1940Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em. 1941 As they knelt on the hassock 1942 He lifted his cassock 1943And slipped his episcopal worm in 'em. 1944% 1945There once was a boy named Carruthers 1946Who was busily fucking his mother 1947 "I know it's a sin," 1948 He said, shoving it in, 1949"But it's better than blowing my brother." 1950% 1951There once was a chick named Longet, 1952Who went out to Aspen to play. 1953 Along came a Spyder, 1954 Who sat down beside her 1955And she blew the poor bastard away. 1956% 1957There once was a clergyman's daughter 1958Who detested the pony he bought her, 1959 Till she found that its dong 1960 Was as hard and as long 1961As the prayers her father had taught her. 1962 1963She married a fellow named Tony 1964Who soon found her fucking the pony. 1965 Said he, "What's it got, 1966 My dear, that I've not?" 1967Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna." 1968% 1969There once was a couple named Kelley, 1970Who lived their life belly to belly. 1971 Because in their haste 1972 They used library paste, 1973Instead of petroleum jelly. 1974% 1975There once was a couple named Kelly 1976Who walked around belly-to-belly. 1977 It seems in their haste, 1978 They used Carter's paste 1979Instead of petroleum jelly. 1980% 1981There once was a dentist named Stone 1982Who saw all his patients alone. 1983 In a fit of depravity 1984 He filled the wrong cavity, 1985And my, how his practice has grown! 1986% 1987There once was a Duchess of Beever 1988Who slept with her golden retriever. 1989 Said the potted old Duke : 1990 "Such tricks make me puke! 1991Were it not for her money, I'd leave her." 1992% 1993There once was a Duchess of Bruges 1994Whose cunt was incredibly huge. 1995 Said the king to this dame 1996 As he thunderously came: 1997"Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!" 1998% 1999There once was a fag of Khartoom 2000Who spent the night in a Lesbians room. 2001 They argued all night, 2002 Over who had the right, 2003To do what, and with which, and to whom. 2004% 2005There once was a fairy named Avers 2006Who encircled his cock with lifesavers. 2007 Though buggers all claimed 2008 That their asses were maimed, 2009Sixy-niners all cheered the new flavors. 2010% 2011There once was a fellow named Bob 2012Who in sexual ways was a snob. 2013 One day he was swimmin' 2014 With twelve naked women 2015And deserted them all for a gob. 2016% 2017There once was a fellow named Brewster 2018Who said to his wife, as he goosed her, 2019 "It used to be grand 2020 But look at my hand 2021You're not wiping as clean as ya uster." 2022% 2023There once was a fellow named Howard, 2024Whose tool it was nuclear-powered, 2025 While grabbing some ass, 2026 He reached critical mass, 2027But think of the girl he deflowered! 2028% 2029There once was a fellow named Potts 2030Who was prone to having the trots 2031 But his humble abode 2032 Was without a commode 2033So his carpet was covered with spots. 2034% 2035There once was a fellow named Siegel 2036Who attempted to bugger a beagle, 2037 But the mettlesome bitch 2038 Turned and said with a twitch, 2039"It's fun, but you know it's illegal." 2040% 2041There once was a fellow named Sweeney 2042Who spilled gin all over his weenie. 2043 Not being uncouth, 2044 He added vermouth 2045And slipped his amour a martini. 2046% 2047There once was a fencer named Fisk, 2048Whose speed was incredibly brisk. 2049 So fast was his action, 2050 The Fitzgerald contraction, 2051Foreshortended his foil to a disk. 2052% 2053There once was a fiesty young terrier 2054Who liked to bite girls on the derriere. 2055 He'd yip and he'd yap, 2056 Then leap up and snap; 2057And the fairer the derriere the merrier. 2058% 2059There once was a floozie named Annie 2060Whose prices were cosy--but cannie: 2061 A buck for a fuck, 2062 Fifty cents for a suck, 2063And a dime for a feel of her fanny. 2064% 2065There once was a freshman named Lin, 2066Whose tool was as thin as a pin, 2067 A virgin named Joan 2068 From a bible belt home, 2069Said "This won't be much of a sin." 2070% 2071There once was a gangster named Brown 2072- the sneakiest bastard in town. 2073 He was caught by G-men 2074 Shooting his semen 2075Where the cops would slip and fall down. 2076% 2077There once was a gaucho named Bruno, 2078Who said, "About sex, well, I do know, 2079 Sheep are just fine, 2080 Chickens, divine, 2081But iguanas are Numero Uno." 2082% 2083There once was a gay young Parisian 2084Who screwed an appendix incision, 2085 And the girl of his choice 2086 Could hardly rejoice 2087At the horrible lack of precision. 2088% 2089There once was a girl from Cornell 2090Whose teats were shaped like a bell. 2091 When you touched them they shrunk, 2092 Except when she was drunk, 2093And then they got bigger than hell. 2094% 2095There once was a girl from Decatur, 2096Who got laid by a big alligator. 2097 Now nobody knew 2098 The result of that screw, 2099'Cause after he laid her, he ate her. 2100% 2101There once was a girl from Madras 2102Who had such a beautiful ass - 2103 It was not round and pink 2104 ( as you bastards think ) 2105But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass. 2106% 2107There once was a girl from Madras 2108Who had such a beautiful ass - 2109 It was not round and pink 2110 (As you bastards think) 2111But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass. 2112% 2113There once was a girl from Spokane, 2114Went to bed with a one-legged man. 2115 She said, "I know you-- 2116 You've really got two! 2117Why didn't you say so when we began?" 2118% 2119There once was a girl named Irene 2120Who lived on distilled kerosene 2121 But she started absorbin' 2122 A new hydrocarbon 2123And since then has never benzene. 2124% 2125There once was a girl named Louise 2126Who cunt hair hung down to her knees 2127 The crabs in her twat 2128 Tied the hairs in a knot 2129And constructed a flying trapeze 2130% 2131There once was a girl named Mcgoffin 2132Who was diddled amazingly often. 2133 She was rogered by scores 2134 Who'd been turned down by whores, 2135And was finally screwed in her coffin. 2136% 2137There once was a girl named Priscilla 2138Whose vagina was flavored vanilla. 2139 The taste was so fine 2140 Man and beast stood in line 2141(Including a stud armadilla). 2142% 2143There once was a girl so lovely, 2144Who wanted to make love in the bubbly, 2145 She strapped on her tanks, 2146 And started her pranks, 2147But the lobsters all thought she was ugly. 2148% 2149There once was a golfer named Leer, 2150Who got put in the clink for a year, 2151 For an action obscene, 2152 On the very first green. 2153Where the sign said "Enter course here." 2154% 2155There once was a gouty old colonel 2156Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal, 2157 And he cried in his tiffin 2158 For his prick wouldn't stiffen, 2159And the size of the thing was infernal. 2160% 2161There once was a guardsman from Buckingham 2162Who said, "As for girls, I hate fucking 'em. 2163 But when I meet boys, 2164 God! how I enjoys 2165Just licking their peckers and sucking 'em." 2166% 2167There once was a hacker named Ken 2168Who inherited truckloads of Yen. 2169 So he built him some chicks, 2170 Of silicon chips, 2171And hasn't been heard from since then. 2172% 2173There once was a handsome young seaman 2174Who with ladies was really a demon. 2175 In peace or in war, 2176 At sea or on shore, 2177He could certainly dish out the semen. 2178% 2179There once was a horny old bitch 2180With a motorized self-frigger which 2181 She would use with delight 2182 All day long and all night - 2183Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch. 2184% 2185There once was a horse named Lily 2186Whose dingus was really a dilly. 2187 It was vaginoid duply, 2188 And labial quadruply -- 2189In fact, he was really a filly. 2190% 2191There once was a husky young Viking 2192Whose sexual prowess was striking. 2193 Every time he got hot 2194 He would scour the twat 2195Of some girl that might be to his liking. 2196% 2197There once was a jolly old bloke 2198Who picked up a girl for a poke. 2199 He took down her pants, 2200 Fucked her into a trance, 2201And then shit into her shoe for a joke. 2202% 2203There once was a kiddie named Carr 2204Caught a man on top of his mar. 2205 As he saw him stick 'er, 2206 He said with a snicker, 2207"You do it much faster than par." 2208% 2209There once was a lady from Exeter, 2210So pretty that men craned their necks at her. 2211 One was even so brave 2212 As to take out and wave 2213The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. 2214% 2215There once was a lady from Kansas 2216Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas. 2217 It was nine inches deep 2218 And the sides were quite steep -- 2219It had whiskers like General Carranza's. 2220% 2221There once was a lady named Carter, 2222Fell in love with a virile young Tartar. 2223 She stripped off his pants, 2224 At his prick quickly glanced, 2225And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!" 2226% 2227There once was a lady named Clair, 2228Who posessed a magnificent pair. 2229 Or that's what I thought, 2230 Till I saw one get caught, 2231On a thorn and begin losing air. 2232% 2233There once was a lady named Myrtle 2234Who had an affair with a turtle. 2235 She had crabs, so they say, 2236 In a year and a day 2237Which proved that that turtle was fertile. 2238% 2239There once was a lawyer named Rex 2240With minuscule organs of sex. 2241 Arraigned for exposure, 2242 He maintained with composure, 2243"De minimis non curat lex." 2244 2245 [Trans: the law does not concern itself with small things. Ed.] 2246% 2247There once was a lifeguard named Lee 2248Who rescued a girl from the sea 2249 She asked how to pay, 2250 And he said "Try this way, 2251Go down for the third time on me." 2252% 2253There once was a maid from Mobile 2254Whose cunt was made of blue steel. 2255 She only got thrills 2256 From pneumatic drills 2257And an off-centered emery wheel. 2258% 2259There once was a man from Bombay 2260He would do it all night and all day 2261 He soon became sore 2262 You shoulda' heard him roar 2263When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay! 2264% 2265There once was a man from Calcutta 2266Who used to beat off in the gutta 2267 The heat of the sun 2268 Affected his gun 2269And turned all his cream into butta! 2270% 2271There once was a man from Dunoon, 2272Who always ate soup with a fork. 2273 He said "When I eat 2274 Either fish, foul or flesh, 2275I otherwise finish too quick." 2276% 2277There once was a man from Exameter 2278Who had a prodigious diameter 2279 But it wasn't the size 2280 That brought forth the cries 2281'Twas his rythm, iambic pentameter. 2282% 2283There once was a man from Madras, 2284Whose balls were made out of brass. 2285 When they clanged together, 2286 They played "Stormy Weather", 2287And lightning shot out of his ass. 2288% 2289There once was a man from Nantee 2290Who buggered an ape in a tree. 2291 The results were most horrid 2292 All ass and no forehead 2293Three balls and a purple goatee. 2294% 2295There once was a man from Nantucket 2296Who kept all his cash in a bucket. 2297 His daughter, named Nan, 2298 Ran away with a man, 2299And as for the bucket, Nantucket. 2300 2301The pair of them went to Manhasset, 2302(Nan and the man with the asset.) 2303 Pa followed them there, 2304 But they left in a tear, 2305And as for the asset, Manhasset. 2306 2307Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket, 2308(Nan and the man with the bucket.) 2309 Pa said to the man, 2310 "You're welcome to Nan." 2311But as for the bucket, Pawtucket. 2312% 2313There once was a man from Nantucket, 2314Whose cock was so long he could suck it. 2315 He said with a grin, 2316 As he wiped off his chin, 2317If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it! 2318% 2319There once was a man from Nantucket 2320Whose dick was so long he could suck it. 2321 He said with a grin 2322 As he wiped off his chin, 2323"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it." 2324% 2325There once was a man from Racine, 2326Who invented a screwing machine. 2327 Both concave and convex, 2328 It could please either sex, 2329But, oh, what a bastard to clean! 2330% 2331There once was a man from Sandem 2332Who was making his girl on a tandem. 2333 At the peak of the make 2334 She jammed on the brake 2335And scattered his semen at random. 2336% 2337There once was a man from Sydney 2338Who could put it up to her kidney. 2339 But the man from Quebec 2340 Put it up to her neck; 2341He had a big one, now didn't he? 2342% 2343There once was a man named Lodge, 2344who had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. 2345 When his date was strapped in, 2346 He committed a sin, 2347without ever leaving the garage. 2348% 2349There once was a man named McGruder, 2350Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder. 2351 But the girl thought it crude, 2352 To be wooed in the nude, 2353So McGru took an oar and subduder. 2354% 2355There once was a man named McSweeny 2356Who spilled lots of gin on his weeney 2357 So just to be couth 2358 He added vermouth 2359And slipped his best girl a martini. 2360% 2361There once was a man named McSweeny 2362Who spilled some raw gin on his weeny. 2363 Just to be couth, 2364 He added vermouth, 2365And slipped his girlfriend a martini. 2366% 2367There once was a man named Parridge 2368With peculiar views on marriage. 2369 He sucked off his brother, 2370 Fucked his own mother, 2371And gobbled his sister's miscarriage. 2372% 2373There once was a man with a hernia 2374Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya, 2375 When you work on my middle 2376 Be sure you don't fiddle 2377With things that do not concern ya." 2378% 2379There once was a member of Mensa 2380Who was a most excellent fencer. 2381 The sword that he used 2382 Was his -- (line is refused, 2383And has now been removed by the censor). 2384% 2385There once was a miner named Dave, 2386Who kept a dead whore in his cave. 2387 She was ugly as shit, 2388 And missing one tit, 2389But think of the money he saves. 2390% 2391There once was a monk of Camyre 2392Who was seized with a carnal desire 2393 And the primary cause 2394 Was the abbess's drawers 2395Which were hung up to dry by the fire. 2396% 2397There once was a newspaper vendor, 2398A person of dubious gender. 2399 He would charge one-and-two 2400 For permission to view 2401His remarkable double pudenda. 2402% 2403There once was a plumber from Leigh 2404Who was plumbing his maid by the sea. 2405 Said she, "Please stop plumbing, 2406 I think someone's coming!" 2407Said he, "Yes, I know love, it's me." 2408% 2409There once was a pretty young Mrs. 2410Whose tearful but short story thrs. 2411 Her mind lost its grasp - 2412 Now she thinks she's an asp 2413And just sits in the corner and hrs. 2414% 2415There once was a queen of Bulgaria 2416Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, 2417 Till a prince from Peru 2418 Who came up for a screw 2419Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier. 2420% 2421There once was a reverend at Kings 2422Whose mind 'twas on heavenly things. 2423 But his heart was on fire 2424 For a boy in the choir 2425Whose buns were like jelly on springs. 2426% 2427There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel 2428Who said, "They can all go to hell! 2429 What they do to my wife -- 2430 Why it ruins my life; 2431And the worst is they all do it well." 2432% 2433There once was a sailor named Gasted, 2434A swell guy, as long as he lasted, 2435 He could jerk himself off 2436 In a basket, aloft, 2437Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead. 2438% 2439There once was a Scot named McAmeter 2440With a tool of prodigious diameter. 2441 It was not the size 2442 That cause such surprise; 2443'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter. 2444% 2445There once was a son-of-a-bitch, 2446Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich, 2447 Yet the girls he would dazzle, 2448 And fuck to a frazzle, 2449And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch! 2450% 2451There once was a spaceman named Spock 2452Who had a huge Vulcanized cock. 2453 A girl from Missouri 2454 Whose name was Uhura 2455Just fainted away from the shock. 2456% 2457There once was a Swede in Minneapolis, 2458Discovered his sex life was hapless: 2459 The more he would screw 2460 The more he'd want to, 2461And he feared he would soon be quite sapless. 2462% 2463There once was a Usenetter named Mark, 2464Whose gender was kept in the dark. 2465 He/she/it said with a nod, 2466 "My ancestors were odd!" 2467Did Noah need two for the ark? 2468% 2469There once was a whore from Regina 2470Who had a stupendous vagina. 2471 To save herself time, 2472 She had six at a time, 2473And another one working behind her. 2474% 2475There once was a woman from Arden 2476Who sucked off a man in a garden. 2477 He said, "My dear Flo, 2478 Where does all that stuff go?" 2479And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?" 2480% 2481There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield 2482Engaged to look after the deacon's field, 2483 But he lurked in the ditches 2484 And diddled the bitches 2485Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field. 2486% 2487There once was a young fellow named Blaine, 2488And he screwed some disgusting old jane. 2489 She was ugly and smelly, 2490 With an awful pot-belly, 2491But... well, they were caught in the rain. 2492% 2493There once was a young girl from Natches 2494Who chanced to be born with two snatches 2495 She often said, "Shit! 2496 I'd give either tit 2497For a guy with equipment that matches." 2498% 2499There once was a young man from Boston 2500Who drove around town in an Austin, 2501 There was room for his ass, 2502 And a gallon of gas, 2503So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em. 2504% 2505There once was a young man from France 2506Who waited ten years for his chance; 2507Then he muffed it... 2508% 2509There once was a young man from Yuma 2510Who attempted sex with a puma 2511 He gave up real quick 2512 Minus nose, toes, and prick 2513In obvious pain and ill huma. 2514% 2515There once was a young man from Yuma, 2516Who told an elephant joke to a puma. 2517 Now his dry bleached bones lie, 2518 Under hot Asian skies, 2519'Cause the puma had no sense of huma. 2520% 2521There once was a young man named Clyde 2522Who fell in an outhouse, and died. 2523 He had a twin brother 2524 Who fell in another 2525And now they're interred side by side. 2526% 2527There once was a young man named Gene, 2528Who invented a screwing machine. 2529 Concave and convex, 2530 It served either sex, 2531And it played with itself inbetween. 2532% 2533There once was a young man named Lancelot 2534Whom the townsfolk would look at askance a lot 2535 For when he should pass 2536 A desirable lass 2537The front of his pants would advance a lot. 2538% 2539There once was an Arpanet freak, 2540Who better response-time did seek. 2541 He searched coast to coast, 2542 For a reliable host, 2543Whose logger took less than a week. 2544% 2545There once was an old man from Esser, 2546Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser. 2547 It at last grew so small, 2548 He knew nothing at all, 2549And now he's a College Professor. 2550% 2551There once were two brothers named Luntz 2552Who buggered each other at once. 2553 When asked to account 2554 For this intricate mount, 2555They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts." 2556% 2557There once were two women from Birmingham. 2558And this is the story concerning 'em. 2559 They lifted the frock 2560 And fondled the cock 2561Of the bishop as he was confirming 'em. 2562% 2563There was a bluestocking in Florence 2564Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents, 2565 Till a Spanish grandee, 2566 Got her off with his knee, 2567And she burned all her works with abhorrence. 2568% 2569There was a family named Doe, 2570An ideal family to know. 2571 As father screwed mother, 2572 She said, "You're heavier than brother." 2573And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!" 2574% 2575There was a fat lady of China 2576Who'd a really enormous vagina, 2577 And when she was dead 2578 They painted it red, 2579And used it for docking a liner. 2580% 2581There was a fat man from Rangoon 2582Whose prick was much like a ballon. 2583 He tried hard to ride her 2584 And when finally inside her 2585She thought she was pregnant too soon. 2586% 2587There was a gay countess of Bray, 2588And you may think it odd when I say, 2589 That in spite of high station, 2590 Rank and education, 2591She always spelled cunt with a 'k'. 2592% 2593There was a gay countess of Bray, 2594And you may think it odd when I say, 2595 That in spite of high station, 2596 Rank and education, 2597She always spelled cunt with a 'k'. 2598% 2599There was a gay dog from Ontario 2600Who fancied himself a Lothario. 2601 At a wench's glance 2602 He'd snatch off his pants 2603And make for her Mons Venerio. 2604% 2605There was a gay parson of Norton 2606Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un. 2607 To make up for this loss, 2608 He had balls like a horse, 2609And never spent less than a quartern. 2610% 2611There was a gay parson of Tooting 2612Whose roe he was frequently shooting, 2613 Till he married a lass 2614 With a face like my arse, 2615And a cunt you could put a top-boot in. 2616% 2617There was a girl from Aberystwyth 2618Who brought grain to the mill to get grist with. 2619 The miller's son Jack 2620 Laid her flat on her back 2621And united the organs they pissed with. 2622% 2623There was a lewd fellow named Duff 2624Who loved to dive deep in the muff. 2625 With his head in a whirl 2626 He said, "Spread it, Pearl; 2627I cunt get enough of the stuff!" 2628% 2629There was a man from Mich. 2630Who used to wish and wich. 2631 That spring would come 2632 So he could bum 2633Around and go out fich. 2634% 2635There was a pianist named Liszt 2636Who played with one hand while he pissed, 2637 But as he grew older 2638 His technique grew bolder, 2639And in concert jacked off with his fist. 2640% 2641There was a poor parson from Goring, 2642Who made a small hole in his flooring, 2643 Fur-lined it all round, 2644 Then laid on the ground, 2645And declared it was cheaper than whoring. 2646% 2647There was a strong man of Drumrig 2648Who one day did seven times frig. 2649 He buggered three sailors, 2650 Four dogs and two tailors, 2651And ended by fucking a pig. 2652% 2653There was a teenager named Donna 2654Who never said, "No, I don't wanna." 2655 Two days out of three 2656 She would shoot LSD, 2657And on weekends she smoked marijuana. 2658% 2659There was a young belle of old Natchez 2660Whose garments were always in patchez. 2661 When comment arose 2662 On the state of her clothes 2663She, drawled, "When ah itchez, ah scratchez." 2664% 2665There was a young blade from South Greece 2666Whose bush did so greatly increase 2667 That before he could shack 2668 He must hunt needle in stack. 2669'Twas as bad as being obese. 2670% 2671There was a young bride, a Canuck, 2672Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck. 2673 You say that I, maybe, 2674 Can have my first baby-- 2675Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!" 2676% 2677There was a young bride of Antigua 2678Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!" 2679 Said the girl, "What damn'd rot! 2680 Why, you've only felt my twot, 2681My legs and my arse and my figua!" 2682% 2683There was a young chap in Arabia 2684Who courted a widow named Fabia. 2685 "Yes, my tongue is as long 2686 As the average man's dong," 2687He said, licking the lips of her labia. 2688% 2689There was a young cook with the art 2690Of making a delicious tart 2691 With a handful of shit, 2692 Some snot and some spit, 2693And he'd flavor the whole with a fart. 2694% 2695There was a young curate whose brain 2696Was deranged from the use of cocaine; 2697 He lured a small child 2698 To a copse dark and wild, 2699Where he beat it to death with his cane. 2700 -- Edward Gorey 2701% 2702There was a young damsel named Baker 2703Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker. 2704 He yelled, "My God! what 2705 Do you call this -- a twat? 2706Why, the entrance is more than an acre!" 2707% 2708There was a young dolly named Molly 2709Who thought that to frig was a folly. 2710 Said she, "Your pee-pee 2711 Means nothing to me, 2712But I'll do it just to be jolly." 2713% 2714There was a young fellow called Clyde 2715Who fell in an outhouse and died. 2716 He had a twin brother 2717 Who fell in another 2718So now they're interred side by side. 2719% 2720There was a young fellow from Cal., 2721In bed with a passionate gal. 2722 He leapt from the bed, 2723 To the toilet he sped; 2724Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?" 2725% 2726There was a young fellow from Florida 2727Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her. 2728 When they got into bed 2729 He cried, "God strike me dead! 2730This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!" 2731% 2732There was a young fellow from Kent 2733Whose cock was so long that it bent 2734 To save himself trouble 2735 He put it in double 2736And instead of coming, he went. 2737% 2738There was a young fellow from Leeds 2739Who swallowed a package of seeds. 2740 Great tufts of grass 2741 Sprouted out of his ass 2742And his balls were all covered with weeds. 2743% 2744There was a young fellow from Parma 2745Who was solemnly screwing his charmer. 2746 Said the damsel demure, 2747 "You'll excuse me, I'm sure, 2748But I must say you fuck like a farmer." 2749% 2750There was a young fellow name Tucker 2751Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker, 2752 Said, "Don't bow out your lips 2753 Like an elephant's hips, 2754The boys like it best when they pucker." 2755% 2756There was a young fellow named Ades 2757Whose favorite fruit was young maids. 2758 But sheep, nigger boys, whores, 2759 And the knot holes in doors 2760Were by no means exempt from his raids. 2761% 2762There was a young fellow named Babbitt 2763Who could screw nine times like a rabbit, 2764 But a girl from Johore 2765 Could do it twice more, 2766Which was just enough extra to crab it. 2767% 2768There was a young fellow named Bill, 2769Who took an atomic pill, 2770 His navel corroded, 2771 His asshole exploded, 2772And they found his nuts in Brazil. 2773% 2774There was a young fellow named Blaine, 2775And he screwed some disgusting old jane. 2776 She was ugly and smelly 2777 With an awful pot-belly, 2778But... well, they were caught in the rain. 2779% 2780There was a young fellow named Bliss 2781Whose sex life was strangely amiss, 2782 For even with Venus 2783 His recalcitrant penis 2784Would never do better than t 2785 h 2786 i 2787 s 2788 . 2789% 2790There was a young fellow named Bowen 2791Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'. 2792 It grew so tremendous, 2793 So long and so pendulous, 2794'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'. 2795% 2796There was a young fellow named Brewer 2797Whose girl made her home in a sewer. 2798 Thus he, the poor soul, 2799 Could get into her hole, 2800And still not be able to screw her! 2801% 2802There was a young fellow named Case 2803Who entered a cunt-lapping race. 2804 He licked his way clean 2805 Through Number thirteen, 2806But then slipped and got pissed in the face. 2807% 2808There was a young fellow named Charteris 2809Put his hand where his young lady's garter is. 2810 Said she, "I don't mind, 2811 And higher up you'll find 2812The place where my fucker and farter is." 2813% 2814There was a young fellow named Cribbs 2815Whose cock was so big it had ribs. 2816 They were inches apart, 2817 And to suck it took art, 2818While to fuck it took forty-two trips. 2819% 2820There was a young fellow named dick 2821Who had a magnificent prick. 2822 It was shaped like a prism 2823 And shot so much gism 2824It made every cocksucker sick. 2825% 2826There was a young fellow named Feeney 2827Whose girl was a terrible meany. 2828 The hatch of her snatch 2829 Had a catch that would latch 2830- She could only be screwed by Houdini. 2831% 2832There was a young fellow named Fletcher, 2833Was reputed an infamous lecher. 2834 When he'd take on a whore 2835 She'd need a rebore, 2836And they'd carry him out on a stretcher. 2837% 2838There was a young fellow named Fyfe 2839Whose marriage was ruined for life, 2840 For he had an aversion 2841 To every perversion, 2842And only liked fucking his wife. 2843 2844Well, one year the poor woman struck, 2845And she wept, and she cursed at her luck, 2846 And said, "Where have you gotten us 2847 With your goddamn monotonous 2848Fuck after fuck after fuck? 2849 2850"I once knew a harlot named Lou -- 2851And a versatile girl she was, too. 2852 After ten years of whoredom 2853 She perished of boredom 2854When she married a jackass like you!" 2855% 2856There was a young fellow named Gene 2857Who first picked his asshole quite clean. 2858 He next picked his toes, 2859 And lastly his nose, 2860And he never did wash in between. 2861% 2862There was a young fellow named Gluck 2863Who found himself shit out of luck. 2864 Though he petted and wooed, 2865 When he tried to get screwed 2866He found virgins just don't give a fuck. 2867% 2868There was a young fellow named Goody 2869Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he? 2870 If he found himself nude 2871 With a gal in the mood 2872The question's not woody but could he? 2873% 2874There was a young fellow named Grant 2875Who was made like the sensitive plant. 2876 When they asked "Do you fuck?" 2877 He replied, "No such luck. 2878I would if I could, but I can't." 2879% 2880There was a young fellow named Grimes 2881Who fucked his girl seventeen times 2882 In the course of a week -- 2883 And this isn't to speak 2884Of assorted venereal crimes. 2885% 2886There was a young fellow named Harry, 2887Had a joint that was long, huge and scary. 2888 He grabbed him a virgin, 2889 Who, without any urgin', 2890Immediately spread like a fairy. 2891% 2892There was a young fellow named Hatch 2893Who was fond of the music of Bach. 2894 He said: "It's not fussy 2895 Like Brahms and Debussy; 2896Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch." 2897% 2898There was a young fellow named Kimble 2899Whose prick was exceedingly nimble, 2900 But fragile and slender, 2901 And dainty and tender, 2902So he kept it encased in a thimble. 2903% 2904There was a young fellow named Meek 2905Who invented a lingual technique. 2906 It drove women frantic, 2907 And made them romantic, 2908And wore all the hair off his cheek. 2909% 2910There was a young fellow named Morgan 2911Who possessed an unusual organ: 2912 The end of his dong, 2913 Which was nine inches long, 2914Was tipped with the head of a gorgon. 2915% 2916There was a young fellow named Paul 2917Who confessed, "I have only one ball. 2918 But the size of my prick 2919 Is God's dirtiest trick, 2920For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'" 2921% 2922There was a young fellow named Pell 2923Who didn't like cunt very well. 2924 He would finger or fuck one, 2925 But never would suck one-- 2926He just couldn't get used to the smell. 2927% 2928There was a young fellow named Price 2929Who dabbled in all sorts of vice. 2930 He had virgins and boys 2931 And mechanical toys, 2932And on Mondays... he meddled with mice! 2933% 2934There was a young fellow named Prynne 2935Whose prick was so short and so thin, 2936 His wife found she needed 2937 A Fuckoscope -- she did -- 2938To see if he'd gotten it in. 2939% 2940There was a young fellow named Skinner 2941Who took a young lady to dinner 2942 At a quarter to nine, 2943 They sat down to dine, 2944At twenty to ten it was in her. 2945The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner. 2946 2947There was a young fellow named Tupper 2948Who took a young lady to supper. 2949 At a quarter to nine, 2950 They sat down to dine, 2951And at twenty to ten it was up her. 2952Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner! 2953% 2954There was a young fellow named Sweeney, 2955Whose girl was a terrible meanie, 2956 The hatch of her snatch, 2957 Had a catch that would latch, 2958She could only be screwed by Houdini. 2959% 2960There was a young fellow of Burma 2961Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur. 2962 But now that he's married he's 2963 Been using cantharides 2964And the root of their love is much firmer. 2965% 2966There was a young fellow of Greenwich 2967Whose balls were all covered with spinach. 2968 He had such a tool 2969 It was wound on a spool, 2970And he reeled it out inich by inich. 2971 2972But this tale has an unhappy finich, 2973For due to the sand in the spinach 2974 His ballocks grew rough 2975 And wrecked his wife's muff, 2976And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage. 2977% 2978There was a young fellow of Harrow 2979Whose john was the size of a marrow. 2980 He said to his tart, 2981 "How's this for a start? 2982My balls are outside in a barrow." 2983% 2984There was a young fellow of Kent 2985Whose prick was so long that it bent, 2986 So to save himself trouble 2987 He put it in double, 2988And instead of coming he went. 2989% 2990There was a young fellow of Mayence 2991Who fucked his own arse in defiance 2992 Not only of custom 2993 And morals, dad-bust him, 2994But of most of the known laws of science. 2995% 2996There was a young fellow of Perth 2997Whose balls were the finest on earth. 2998 They grew to such size 2999 That one won a prize, 3000And goodness knows what they were worth. 3001% 3002There was a young fellow of Strensall 3003Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil. 3004 On the night of his wedding 3005 It went through the bedding, 3006And shattered the chamber utensil. 3007% 3008There was a young fellow of Warwick 3009Who had reason for feeling euphoric, 3010 For he could by election 3011 Have triune erection: 3012Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric. 3013% 3014There was a young fellow whose dong 3015Was prodigiously massive and long. 3016 On each side of his whang 3017 Two testes did hang 3018That attracted a curious throng. 3019% 3020There was a young gaucho named Bruno 3021Who said, "Screwing is one thing I do know. 3022 A woman is fine, 3023 And a sheep is divine, 3024But a llama is Numero Uno." 3025% 3026There was a young gaucho named Bruno 3027Who said, "There is one thing I do know, 3028 Women are fine 3029 And children devine, 3030But the llama is numero uno." 3031% 3032There was a young German named Ringer 3033Who was screwing an opera singer. 3034 Said he with a grin, 3035 "Well, I've sure got it in!" 3036Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?" 3037% 3038There was a young girl from Annista 3039Who dated a lecherous mister. 3040 He fondled her titty, 3041 Got one finger shitty, 3042Then screwed up his courage and kissed 'er. 3043% 3044There was a young girl from Decatur 3045Who was raped by an alligator. 3046 But no one quite knew 3047 How she relished that screw, 3048For after he screwed her, he ate her. 3049% 3050There was a young girl from Dundee, 3051From her fanny there grew a plum tree. 3052 No one ate the nice fruit, 3053 To tell you the truth, 3054Because they knew it came from her tooty-toot-toot. 3055% 3056There was a young girl from East Lynn 3057Whose mother ( to save her from sin ) 3058 Had filled up her crack 3059 With hard-setting shellac, 3060But the boys picked it out with a pin. 3061% 3062There was a young girl from Hong Kong 3063Who said, "You are utterly wrong 3064 To say my vagina 3065 Is the largest in China 3066Just because of your mean little dong." 3067% 3068There was a young girl from Hong Kong 3069Whose cervical cap was a gong. 3070 She said with a yell, 3071 As a shot rang her bell, 3072"I'll give you a ding for a dong!" 3073% 3074There was a young girl from Medina 3075Who could completely control her vagina. 3076 She could twist it around 3077 Like the cunts that are found 3078In Japan, Manchukuo and China. 3079% 3080There was a young girl from New York 3081Who plugged up her cunt with a cork. 3082 A woodpecker or two 3083 Made the grade it is true, 3084But it totally baffled the stork. 3085 3086Till along came a man who presented 3087A tool that was strangely indented. 3088 With a dizzying twirl 3089 He punctured that girl, 3090And thus was the cork-screw invented. 3091% 3092There was a young girl from New York 3093Who plugged up her quim with a cork 3094 A woodpecker or two 3095 Made the grade, it is true, 3096But it totally baffled the stork. 3097% 3098There was a young girl from Peru, 3099Who had nothing whatever to do. 3100 So she sat on the stairs, 3101 And counted cunt hairs, 3102Four thousand, three hundred and two. 3103% 3104There was a young girl from Peru, 3105Who noticed her lovers were few; 3106 So she walked out her door 3107 With a fig leaf, no more, 3108And now she's in bed - with the flu. 3109% 3110There was a young girl from Samoa 3111Who pledged that no man would know her. 3112 One young fellow tried, 3113 But she wriggled aside, 3114And he spilled all his spermatozoa. 3115% 3116There was a young girl from Seattle, 3117Whose hobby was sucking off cattle. 3118 But a bull from the South 3119 Shot a wad in her mouth 3120That made both her ovaries rattle. 3121% 3122There was a young girl from Siam 3123Who said to her boyfriend Priam, 3124 "To seduce me, of course, 3125 You'll have to use force, 3126And thank goodness you're stronger than I am. 3127% 3128There was a young girl from St. Cyr 3129Whose reflex reactions were queer. 3130 Her escort said, "Mable, 3131 Get up off the table; 3132That money's to pay for the beer." 3133% 3134There was a young girl from St. Paul 3135Who went to a newspaper ball. 3136 Her dress caught on fire 3137 And burnt her entire 3138Front page and sport section and all. 3139% 3140There was a young girl from the Bronix 3141Who had a vagina of onyx. 3142 She had so much `tsoris' 3143 With her clitoris, 3144She traded it in for a Packard. 3145% 3146There was a young girl from the coast 3147Who, just when she needed it most, 3148 Lost her Kotex and bled 3149 All over the bed, 3150And the head and the beard of her host. 3151% 3152There was a young girl in Berlin 3153Who eked out a living through sin. 3154 She didn't mind fucking, 3155 But much preferred sucking, 3156And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin. 3157% 3158There was a young girl in Berlin 3159Who was fucked by an elderly Finn. 3160 Though he diddled his best, 3161 And fucked her with zest, 3162She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?" 3163% 3164There was a young girl in Dakota 3165Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her: 3166 "In addition to gas 3167 We are rationing ass, 3168And you've greatly exceeded your quota." 3169% 3170There was a young girl name McKnight 3171Who got drunk with her boy-friend one night. 3172 She came to in bed, 3173 With a split maidenhead-- 3174That's the last time she ever was tight. 3175% 3176There was a young girl named Ann Heuser 3177Who swore that no man could surprise her. 3178 But Pabst took a chance, 3179 Found a Schlitz in her pants, 3180And now she is sadder Budweiser. 3181% 3182There was a young girl named Heather 3183Whose twitcher was made out of leather. 3184 She made a queer noise, 3185 Which attracted the boys, 3186By flapping the edges together. 3187% 3188There was a young girl named McCall 3189Whose cunt was exceedingly small, 3190 But the size of her anus 3191 Was something quite heinous -- 3192It could hold seven pricks and one ball. 3193% 3194There was a young girl named O'Clare 3195Whose body was covered with hair. 3196 It was really quite fun 3197 To probe with one's gun, 3198For her quimmy might be anywhere. 3199% 3200There was a young girl named O'Malley 3201Who wanted to dance in the ballet. 3202 She got roars of applause 3203 When she kicked off her drawers, 3204But her hair and her bush didn't tally. 3205% 3206There was a young girl named Saphire 3207Who succumbed to her lovers desire. 3208 She said, "It's a sin, 3209 But now that it's in, 3210Could you shove it a few inches higher?" 3211% 3212There was a young girl named Sapphire 3213Who succumbed to her lover's desire. 3214 She said, "It's a sin, 3215 But now that it's in, 3216Could you shove it a few inches higher?" 3217% 3218There was a young girl of Aberystwyth 3219Who screwed every man that she kissed with. 3220 She tickled the balls 3221 Of the men in the halls, 3222And pulled on the prongs that they pissed with. 3223% 3224There was a young girl of Aberystwyth 3225Who took grain to the mill to get grist with. 3226 The miller's sun, Jack, 3227 Laid her flat on her back, 3228And united the organs they pissed with. 3229% 3230There was a young girl of Angina 3231Who stretched catgut across her vagina. 3232 From the love-making frock 3233 (With the proper sized cock) 3234Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor. 3235% 3236There was a young girl of Asturias 3237With a penchant for practices curious. 3238 She loved to bat rocks 3239 With her gentlemen's cocks -- 3240A practice both rude and injurious. 3241% 3242There was a young girl of Batonger 3243who diddled herself with a conger, 3244 When asked how it feels 3245 To be pleasured by eels 3246She said, "Just like a man, only longer. 3247% 3248There was a young girl of Cah'lina, 3249Had a very capricious vagina: 3250 To the shock of the fucker 3251 "Twould suddenly pucker, 3252And whistle the chorus of "Dinah." 3253% 3254There was a young girl of Cape Cod 3255Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God. 3256 But it wasn't Jehovah 3257 That turned the girl over, 3258'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger, 3259 the bugger, the bastard, the sod! 3260% 3261There was a young girl of Cape Town 3262Who usually fucked with a clown. 3263 He taught her the trick 3264 Of sucking his prick, 3265And when it went up -- she went down. 3266% 3267There was a young girl of Coxsaxie 3268Whose skirt was more mini than maxi. 3269 She was fucked at the show 3270 In the twenty-third row, 3271And once more going home in the taxi. 3272% 3273There was a young girl of Darjeeling 3274Who could dance with such exquisite feeling 3275 There was never a sound 3276 For miles around 3277Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling. 3278% 3279There was a young girl of Des Moines 3280Whose cunt could be fitted with coins, 3281 Till a guy from Hoboken 3282 Went and dropped in a token, 3283And now she rides free on the ferry. 3284% 3285There was a young girl of Detroit 3286Who at fucking was very adroit: 3287 She could squeeze her vagina 3288 To a pin-point, or finer, 3289Or open it out like a quoit. 3290 3291And she had a friend named Durand 3292Whose cock could contract or expand. 3293 He could diddle a midge 3294 Or the arch of a bridge -- 3295Their performance together was grand! 3296% 3297There was a young girl of East Lynne 3298Whose mother, to save her from sin, 3299 Had filled up her crack, 3300 To the brim with shellac, 3301But the boys picked it out with a pin. 3302% 3303There was a young girl of Gibraltar 3304Who was raped as she knelt at the altar. 3305 It really seems odd 3306 That a virtuous God 3307Should answer her prayers and assault her. 3308% 3309There was a young girl of LLewellyn 3310Whose breasts were as big as a melon. 3311 They were big it is true, 3312 But her cunt was big too, 3313Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view 3314Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan. 3315% 3316There was a young girl of Mobile, 3317Who hymen was made of chilled steel, 3318 To give her a thrill, 3319 Took a rotary drill, 3320Or a number nine emery wheel. 3321% 3322There was a young girl of Moline 3323Whose fucking was sweet and obscene. 3324 She would work on a prick 3325 With every known trick, 3326And finish by winking it clean. 3327% 3328There was a young girl of Newcastle 3329Whose charms were declared universal. 3330 While one man in front 3331 Wired into her cunt, 3332Another was engaged at her arsehole. 3333% 3334There was a young girl of Pawtucket 3335Whose box was as big as a bucket. 3336 Her boy-friend said, "Toots, 3337 I'll have to wear boots, 3338For I see I must muck it, not fuck it." 3339% 3340There was a young girl of Penzance 3341Who boarded a bus in a trance. 3342 The passengers fucked her, 3343 Likewise the conductor, 3344While the driver shot off in his pants. 3345% 3346There was a young girl of Pitlochry 3347Who was had by a man in a rockery. 3348 She said, "Oh! You've come 3349 All over my bum; 3350This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery." 3351% 3352There was a young girl of Rangoon 3353Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon. 3354 "Well, it has been great fun," 3355 She remarked when he'd done, 3356"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon." 3357% 3358There was a young girl of Spitzbergen, 3359Whose people all thought her a virgin, 3360 Till they found her in bed 3361 With her twat very red, 3362And the head of a kid just emergin'. 3363% 3364There was a young girl, very sweet, 3365Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat. 3366 When she sat on their lap 3367 She unbuttoned their flap, 3368And always had plenty to eat. 3369% 3370There was a young girl who begat 3371Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat. 3372 T'was fun in the breeding 3373 But hell in the feeding 3374When she found there's no tit for Tat. 3375% 3376There was a young girl who begat 3377Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat. 3378 It was fun in the breeding, 3379 But hell in the feeding, 3380When she found there was no tit for Tat. 3381% 3382There was a young harlot from Kew 3383Who filled her vagina with glue. 3384 She said with a grin, 3385 "If they pay to get in, 3386They'll pay to get out of it too." 3387% 3388There was a young harlot named Schwartz 3389Whose cock-pit was studded with warts, 3390 And they tickled so nice 3391 She drew a high price 3392From the studs at the summer resorts. 3393 3394Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle, 3395Was seldom hard up for a diddle, 3396 For according to rumor 3397 His tool had a tumor 3398And a fine row of warts down the middle. 3399% 3400There was a young hayseed from Tiffan 3401Whose cock would constantly stiffen. 3402 The knob out in front 3403 Attracted foul cunt 3404Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'. 3405% 3406There was a young idler named Blood, 3407Made a fortune performing at stud, 3408 With a fifteen-inch peter, 3409 A double-beat metre, 3410And a load like the Biblical Flood. 3411% 3412There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway 3413Whose screams could be heard for a block away. 3414 Perceiving his error, 3415 The Rabbi in terror 3416Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!" 3417% 3418There was a young lad - name of Durcan 3419Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. 3420 His father said, "Durcan 3421 Stop jerkin' your gherkin 3422Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. 3423% 3424There was a young lad from Nahant 3425Who was made like the Sensitve Plant. 3426 When asked, "Do you fuck?" 3427 He replied, "No such luck. 3428I would if I could but I can't." 3429% 3430There was a young lad from Siam, 3431Whose sexlife was caught in a jam. 3432 He loved them real small, 3433 'Cause they're funner to ball, 3434So he went out and bought him a lamb! 3435% 3436There was a young lad name of Durcan 3437Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. 3438 His father said, "Durcan! 3439 Stop jerkin' your gherkin! 3440Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. 3441% 3442There was a young lad name of Ward 3443Who strung himself up with a cord 3444 Said he, of his work 3445 (Ere the rope snapped with a jerk) 3446"I am leaving because I am bored." 3447 - E.A. Guest 3448% 3449There was a young lad named McFee 3450Who was stung in the balls by a bee 3451 He made oodles of money 3452 By oozing pure honey 3453Every time he attempted to pee. 3454% 3455There was a young lady at sea 3456Who complained that it hurt her to pee. 3457 Said the brawny old mate, 3458 "That accounts for the state 3459Of the cook and the captain and me." 3460% 3461There was a young lady at sea 3462Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee." 3463 "I see," said the mate, 3464 "That accounts for the state 3465Of the captain, the purser, and me." 3466% 3467There was a young lady called Ciss 3468Who went to the river to piss. 3469 A young man in a punt 3470 Put his hand on her cunt; 3471No wonder she thought it was bliss. 3472% 3473There was a young lady from Bangor 3474Who slept while the ship lay at anchor 3475 She woke in dismay 3476 When she heard the mate say: 3477"Let's lift up the topsheet and spanker!" 3478% 3479There was a young lady from Bright, 3480Whose speed was much faster than light. 3481 She went out one day 3482 In a relative way 3483And returned on the previous night. 3484% 3485There was a young lady from Bristol 3486Who went to the Palace called Crystal. 3487 Said she, "It's all glass, 3488 And as round as my ass," 3489And she farted as loud as a pistol. 3490% 3491There was a young lady from Brussels 3492Who was proud of her vaginal muscles. 3493 She could easily plex them 3494 And so interflex them 3495As to whistle love songs through her bustles. 3496% 3497There was a young lady from Drew 3498Who ended her verse at line two. 3499% 3500There was a young lady from Dumfries 3501Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze! 3502 My navel's all bare, 3503 So stick it in there, 3504Before both my legs and my bum freeze." 3505% 3506There was a young lady from Exeter, 3507So pretty that men craned their necks at her. 3508 One was even so brave 3509 As to take out and wave 3510The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. 3511% 3512There was a young lady from Hyde 3513Who ate a green apple and died. 3514 While her lover lamented 3515 The apple fermented 3516And made cider inside her inside. 3517% 3518There was a young lady from Maine 3519Who claimed she had men on her brain. 3520 But you knew from the view, 3521 As her abdomen grew, 3522It was not on her brain that he'd lain. 3523% 3524There was a young lady from Munich 3525Who had an affair with a eunuch. 3526 At the height of their passion 3527 He dealt her a ration 3528% 3529There was a young lady from Munich 3530Who had an affair with a eunuch. 3531 At the height of their passion 3532 He dealt her a ration 3533From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic. 3534% 3535There was a young lady from Norway 3536Who hung by her heels in a doorway. 3537 She told her young man, 3538 "Get off the divan, 3539I think I've discovered one more way " 3540% 3541There was a young lady from Prentice 3542Who had an affair with a dentist. 3543 To make things easier 3544 He used anesthesia, 3545And diddled her, `non compos mentis'. 3546% 3547There was a young lady from Rheims 3548Who amazingly pissed in four streams. 3549 A friend poked around 3550 And a fly-button found 3551Lodged tight in her hole so it seems. 3552% 3553There was a young lady from Rio 3554Who slept with the Fornier trio. 3555 As she dropped her panties 3556 She said, "No andanties 3557I want this allegro con brio." 3558% 3559There was a young lady from Siam 3560Who said to her lover, one Kiam, 3561 "You may kiss me of course, 3562 But you'll have to use force. 3563Though god knows you're stronger than I am." 3564% 3565There was a young lady from Spain 3566Who demurely undressed on a train. 3567 A helpful young porter 3568 Helped more than he orter, 3569And she promptly cried "Help me again" 3570% 3571There was a young lady from Spain 3572Who got sick as she rode on a train; 3573 Not once, but again, 3574 And again, and again, 3575And again, and again, and again. 3576% 3577There was a young lady from Spain 3578Whose face was exceedingly plain, 3579 But her cunt had a pucker 3580 That made the men fuck her, 3581Again, and again, and again. 3582% 3583There was a young lady from Troy 3584Had a moustache, just like a young boy 3585 Though it tickled to kiss 3586 'Twas a source of much bliss 3587When she used it to brush a man's toy. 3588% 3589There was a young lady from Wheeling 3590Who claimed to lack sexual feeling. 3591 But a cynic named Boris 3592 Just touched her clitoris 3593And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. 3594% 3595There was a young lady from Wheeling 3596Who had a peculiar feeling. 3597 She laid on her back 3598 And tickled her crack 3599And pissed all over the ceiling. 3600% 3601There was a young lady from Wooster 3602Who complained that too many men gooster. 3603 So she traded her scanties 3604 For sandpaper panties, 3605Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter. 3606% 3607There was a young lady in Reno, 3608Who lost all her dough playing Keno. 3609 But she lay on her back, 3610 And opened her crack, 3611So now she owns the Casino! 3612% 3613There was a young lady named Alice 3614Who was known to have peed in a chalice. 3615 'Twas the common belief 3616 It was done for relief, 3617And not out of protestant malice. 3618% 3619There was a young lady named Astor 3620Who never let any get past her. 3621 She finally got plenty 3622 By stopping twenty, 3623Which certainly ought to last her. 3624% 3625There was a young lady named Banker, 3626Who slept while the ship lay at anchor, 3627 She woke in dismay, 3628 When she heard the mate say, 3629"Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker." 3630% 3631There was a young lady named Blount 3632Who had a rectangular cunt. 3633 She learned for diversion 3634 Posterior perversion, 3635Since no one could fit here in front. 3636% 3637There was a young lady named Bower 3638Who dwelt in an Ivory Tower. 3639 But a poet from Perth 3640 Laid her flat on the earth, 3641And proceeded with penis to plough her. 3642% 3643There was a young lady named Brent 3644With a cunt of enormous extent, 3645 And so deep and so wide, 3646 The acoustics inside 3647Were so good you could hear when you spent. 3648% 3649There was a young lady named Bright 3650Who could travel much faster than light. 3651 She took off one day, 3652 In a relative way, 3653And returned on the previous night. 3654% 3655There was a young lady named Brook 3656Who never could learn how to cook. 3657 But on a divan 3658 She could please any man- 3659She knew every darn trick in the book! 3660% 3661There was a young lady named Cager 3662Who, as the result of a wager, 3663 Consented to fart 3664 The entire oboe part 3665Of Mozart's quartet in F major. 3666% 3667There was a young lady named Ciss 3668Who said, "I think skating's a bliss " 3669 But she'll never restate, 3670 For a wheel off her skate 3671.siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM 3672% 3673There was a young lady named Clair 3674Who possessed a magnificent pair; 3675 At least so I thought 3676 Till I saw one get caught 3677On a thorn, and begin losing air. 3678% 3679There was a young lady named Dot 3680Whose cunt was so terribly hot 3681 That ten bishops of Rome 3682 And the Pope's private gnome 3683Failed to quench her Vesuvial twat. 3684% 3685There was a young lady named Duff 3686With a lovely, luxuriant muff. 3687 In his haste to get in her 3688 One eager beginner 3689Lost both of his balls in the rough. 3690% 3691There was a young lady named Etta 3692Who was constantly seen in a swetta. 3693 Three reasons she had: 3694 To keep warm wasn't bad, 3695But the other two reasons were betta. 3696% 3697There was a young lady named Fleager 3698Who was terribly, terribly eager 3699 To be all the rage 3700 On the tragedy stage, 3701Though her talents were pitifully meagre. 3702 -- Edward Gorey 3703% 3704There was a young lady named Flo 3705Whose lover had pulled out too slow. 3706 So they tried it all night, 3707 Till he got it just right... 3708Well, practice makes pregnant, you know. 3709% 3710There was a young lady named Flynn 3711Who thought fornication a sin, 3712 But when she was tight 3713 It seemed quite all right, 3714So everyone filled her with gin. 3715% 3716There was a young lady named Gilda 3717Who went on a date with a builder. 3718 He said that he would, 3719 And he could and he should, 3720And he did and it damn well near killed her. 3721% 3722There was a young lady named Gloria 3723Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier, 3724 And then by six men, 3725 Sir Gerald again, 3726And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. 3727% 3728There was a young lady named Gloria, 3729Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?" 3730 She replied to the chap, 3731 "I'll draw you a map, 3732Of where others have been to before ya." 3733% 3734There was a young lady named Grace 3735Who would not take a prick in her "place." 3736 Though she'd kiss it and suck it, 3737 She never would fuck it-- 3738She just couldn't relax face-to-face. 3739% 3740There was a young lady named Hall, 3741Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. 3742 The dress caught on fire 3743 And burned her entire 3744Front page, sporting section, and all. 3745% 3746There was a young lady named Hatch 3747Who would always come through in a scratch. 3748 If a guy wouldn't neck her, 3749 She'd grab up his pecker 3750And shove the damn thing up her snatch. 3751% 3752There was a young lady named Mable 3753Who liked to sprawl out on the table, 3754 Then cry to her man, 3755 "Stuff in all you can -- 3756Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able." 3757% 3758There was a young lady named Mandel 3759Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal 3760 By coming out bare 3761 On the main village square 3762And frigging herself with a candle. 3763% 3764There was a young lady named Maud, 3765A terrible society fraud: 3766 In company, I'm told, 3767 She was distant and cold, 3768But if you got her alone, Oh God! 3769% 3770There was a young lady named May 3771Who strolled in a park by the way, 3772 And she met a youg man 3773 Who fucked her and ran -- 3774Now she goes to the park every day. 3775% 3776There was a young lady named Nance 3777Who learned about fucking in France, 3778 And when you'd insert it 3779 She'd squeeze till she hurt it, 3780And shoved it right back in your pants. 3781% 3782There was a young lady named Nelly 3783Whose tits would jiggle like jelly. 3784 They could tickle her twat 3785 Or be tied in a knot, 3786And could even swat flies on her belly. 3787% 3788There was a young lady named Ransom 3789Who was raped three times in a hansom 3790 When she cried out for more 3791 Said a voice from the floor, 3792"My name, ma'am, is Simpson, not Samson 3793% 3794There was a young lady named Ransom 3795Who was rogered three times in a hansom. 3796 When she cried out for more 3797 A voice from the floor 3798Replied, "My name is Simpson, not Samson." 3799% 3800There was a young lady named Riddle 3801Who had an untouchable middle. 3802 She had many friends 3803 Because of her ends, 3804Since it isn't the middle you diddle. 3805% 3806There was a young lady named Rose 3807Who fainted whenever she chose; 3808 She did so one day 3809 While playing croquet, 3810But was quickly revived with a hose. 3811 -- Edward Gorey 3812% 3813There was a young lady named Rose 3814With erogenous zones in her toes. 3815 She remained onanistic 3816 Till a foot-fetishistic 3817Young man became one of her beaux. 3818% 3819There was a young lady named Schneider 3820Who often kept trysts with a spider. 3821 She found a strange bliss, 3822 In the hiss of her piss, 3823As it strained through the cobwebs inside her. 3824% 3825There was a young lady named Smith 3826Whose virtue was largely a myth. 3827 She said, "Try as I can 3828 I can't find a man 3829Who it's fun to be virtuous with." 3830% 3831There was a young lady named Twiss 3832Who said she thought fucking a bliss, 3833 For it tickled her bum 3834 And caused her to come 3835.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW 3836% 3837There was a young lady named Wylde 3838Who kept herself quite undefiled 3839 By thinking of Jesus; 3840 Contagious diseases; 3841And the bother of having a child. 3842% 3843There was a young lady of Arden, 3844The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden. 3845 Said she with a frown, 3846 "I've been sadly let down 3847By the tool of a fool in a garden." 3848% 3849There was a young lady of Bicester 3850Who was nicer by far than her sister: 3851 The sister would giggle 3852 And wiggle and jiggle, 3853But this one would come if you kissed her. 3854% 3855There was a young lady of Brabant 3856Who slept with an impotent savant. 3857 She admitted, "We shouldn't, 3858 But it turned out he couldn't- 3859So you can't say we have when we haven't." 3860% 3861There was a young lady of Bude 3862Who walked down the street in the nude. 3863 A bobby said, "Whattum 3864 Magnificent bottom!" 3865And slapped it as hard as he could. 3866% 3867There was a young lady of Carmia 3868Whose housekeeping ways would alarm ya. 3869 At every cold snap 3870 She would climb in your lab, 3871So her little base burner could warm ya. 3872% 3873There was a young lady of Dee 3874Who went down to the river to pee. 3875 A man in a punt 3876 Put his hand on her cunt, 3877And God! how I wish it were me. 3878% 3879There was a young lady of Dee 3880Whose hymen was split into three. 3881 And when she was diddled 3882 The middle string fiddled : 3883"Nearer My God To Thee." 3884% 3885There was a young lady of Dexter 3886Whose husband exceedingly vexed her, 3887 For whenever they'd start 3888 He'd unfailingly fart 3889With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her. 3890% 3891There was a young lady of Dover 3892Whose passion was such that it drove her 3893 To cry, when you came, 3894 "Oh dear! What a shame! 3895Well, now we shall have to start over." 3896% 3897There was a young lady of Ealing 3898And her lover before her was kneeling. 3899 Said she, "Dearest Jim, 3900 Take your hands off my quim; 3901I much prefer fucking to feeling." 3902% 3903There was a young lady of fashion 3904Who had oodles and oodles of passion. 3905 To her lover she said, 3906 As they climbed into bed, 3907"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!" 3908% 3909There was a young lady of Fez 3910Who was known to the public as "Jez." 3911 Jezebel was her name, 3912 Sucking cocks was the game 3913She excelled at (so everyone says). 3914% 3915There was a young lady of Gaza 3916Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. 3917 The crabs, in a lump, 3918 Made tracks to her rump - 3919This passing parade did amaze her. 3920% 3921There was a young lady of Gaza 3922Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. 3923 The crabs, in a lump, 3924 Made tracks to her rump - 3925This passing parade did amaze her. 3926% 3927There was a young lady of Gaza 3928Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. 3929 The crabs, in a lump, 3930 Made tracks to her rump-- 3931This passing parade did amaze her. 3932% 3933There was a young lady of Gloucester, 3934Met a passionate fellow who tossed her. 3935 She wasn't much hurt, 3936 But he dirtied her skirt, 3937So think of the anguish it cost her. 3938% 3939There was a young lady of Gloucester 3940Whose friends they thought they had lost her 3941 Till they found on the grass 3942 The marks of her arse, 3943And the knees of the man who had crossed her. 3944% 3945There was a young lady of Kent, 3946Who admitted she knew what it meant 3947 When men asked her to dine, 3948 And plied her with wine, 3949She knew, oh she knew -- but she went! 3950% 3951There was a young lady of Lee 3952Who scrambled up into a tree, 3953 When she got there 3954 Her arsehole was bare, 3955And so was her C U N T. 3956% 3957There was a young lady of Lincoln 3958Who said that her cunt was a pink'un, 3959 So she had a prick lent her 3960 Which turned it magenta, 3961This artful old lady of Lincoln. 3962% 3963There was a young lady of Natchez 3964Who chanced to be born with two snatches, 3965 And she often said, "Shit! 3966 Why, I'd give either tit 3967For a man with equipment that matches." 3968 3969There was a young fellow named Locke 3970Who was born with a two-headed cock. 3971 When he'd fondle the thing 3972 It would rise up and sing 3973An antiphonal chorus by Bach. 3974 3975But whether these two ever met 3976Has not been recorded as yet, 3977 Still, it would be diverting 3978 To see him inserting 3979His whang while it sang a duet. 3980% 3981There was a young lady of Norway 3982Who hung by her toes in a doorway. 3983 She said to her beau 3984 "Just look at me Joe 3985I think I've discovered one more way." 3986% 3987There was a young lady of Rhyll 3988In an omnibus was taken ill, 3989 So she called the conductor, 3990 Who got in and fucked her, 3991Which did more good than a pill. 3992% 3993There was a young lady of Spain 3994Who took down her pants on a train. 3995 There was a young porter 3996 Saw more than he orter, 3997And asked her to do it again. 3998% 3999There was a young lady of Spain 4000Who was fucked by a monk in a drain. 4001 They did it again 4002 And again and again, 4003And again and again and again. 4004% 4005There was a young lady of Twickenham 4006Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em. 4007 On her knees every day 4008 To God she would pray 4009To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em. 4010% 4011There was a young lady of Wheeling 4012Said to her beau, "I've a feeling 4013 My little brown jug 4014 Has need of a plug" -- 4015And straightaway she started to peeling. 4016% 4017There was a young lady of Wheeling 4018Who professed to lack sexual feeling. 4019 But a cynic named Boris 4020 Just touched her clitoris, 4021And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. 4022% 4023There was a young lady who said, 4024As her bridegroom got into the bed, 4025 "I'm tired of this stunt, 4026 That they do with one's cunt, 4027You can get up my bottom instead." 4028% 4029There was a young lady whose cunt 4030Could accomodate a small punt. 4031 Her mother said, "Annie, 4032 It matches your fanny, 4033Which never was that of a runt." 4034% 4035There was a young lady whose thighs, 4036When spread showed a slit of such size, 4037 And so deep and so wide, 4038 You could play cards inside, 4039Much to her bridegroom's surprise. 4040% 4041There was a young lass from Surat. 4042The cheeks of her ass were so fat 4043 That they had to be parted 4044 Whenever she farted, 4045And also whenever she shat. 4046% 4047There was a young lass from Surat. 4048The cheeks of her ass were so fat 4049 That they had to be parted 4050 Whenever she farted, 4051And also whenever she shat. 4052% 4053There was a young laundress named Wrangle 4054Whose tits tilted up at an angle. 4055 "They may tickle my chin," 4056 She said with a grin, 4057"But at least they keep out of the mangle." 4058% 4059There was a young maiden from Osset 4060Whose quim was nine inches across it. 4061 Said a young man named Tong, 4062 With tool nine inches long, 4063"I'll put bugger-in if I loss it." 4064% 4065There was a young man from Bear Ridge 4066Who had strange ideas about marriage. 4067 He fucked his wife's mother 4068 And sucked off her brother 4069And ate up her sister's miscarriage. 4070% 4071There was a young man from Bel-Aire 4072Who was screwing his girl on the stair. 4073 But the banister broke 4074 So he doubled his stroke 4075And finished her off in mid-air. 4076% 4077There was a young man from Bengal 4078Who claimed he had only one ball, 4079 But two little bitches 4080 Pulled down this man's breeches 4081And proved he had nothing at all. 4082% 4083There was a young man from Biloxi 4084Whose bowels responded to Moxie. 4085 Drinking glass after glass, 4086 He would tune up his ass, 4087Till he played like the band at the Roxy. 4088% 4089There was a young man from Bombay 4090Who fashioned a cunt out of clay 4091 But the heat of his prick 4092 Turned it into a brick 4093And rubbed all his foreskin away. 4094% 4095There was a young man from Boston 4096Who rode around in an Austin. 4097 There was room for his ass 4098 And a gallon of gas, 4099But his balls hung out and he lost 'em. 4100% 4101There was a young man from Calcutta 4102Who was heard in his beard to mutter, 4103 "If her Bartholin glands 4104 Don't respond to my hands, 4105I'm afraid I shall have to use butter." 4106% 4107There was a young man from Dallas 4108Who had an exceptional phallus. 4109 He couldn't find room 4110 In any girl's womb 4111Without rubbing it first with Vitalis. 4112% 4113There was a young man from Dundee 4114Who buggered an ape in a tree. 4115 The results were quite horrid: 4116 All ass and no forehead, 4117Three balls and a purple goatee. 4118% 4119There was a young man from East Lizes 4120Whose balls were of two different sizes 4121 One was so small 4122 It was no ball at all 4123The other was large and won prizes. 4124% 4125There was a young man from East Wubley 4126Whose cock was bifurcated doubly. 4127 Each quadruplicate shaft 4128 Had two balls hanging aft, 4129And the general effect was quite lovely. 4130 4131There was a young man from Hong Kong 4132Who had a trifurcated prong: 4133 A small one for sucking, 4134 A large one for fucking, 4135And a `boney' for beating a gong. 4136% 4137There was a young man from Glengozzle 4138Who found a remarkable fossil. 4139 He knew by the bend 4140 And the wart on the end, 4141'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle. 4142% 4143There was a young man from Jodhpur 4144Who found he could easily cure 4145 His dread diabetes 4146 By eating a foetus 4147Served up in a sauce of manure. 4148% 4149There was a young man from Kent 4150Whose tool was so long that it bent. 4151 To save himself trouble 4152 He put it in double 4153And instead of coming, he went. 4154% 4155There was a young man from Lynn 4156Whose cock was the size of a pin. 4157 Said his girl with a laugh 4158 As she felt his staff, 4159"This won't be much of a sin." 4160% 4161There was a young man from Maine 4162Whose prick was as strong as a crane; 4163 It was almost as long, 4164 So he strolled with his dong 4165Extended in sunshine and rain. 4166% 4167There was a young man from Nantucket 4168Whose cock was so long he could suck it. 4169 But he looked in the glass, 4170 And saw his own ass, 4171And broke his neck trying to fuck it. 4172% 4173There was a young man from Nantucket 4174Whose cock was so long he could suck it. 4175 He said with a grin, 4176 While wiping his chin, 4177"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it." 4178% 4179There was a young man from New Haven 4180Who had an affair with a raven. 4181 He said with a grin 4182 As he wiped off his chin, 4183"Nevermore!" 4184% 4185There was a young man from Peru, 4186Who took a long trip by canoe. 4187 While staring at Venus, 4188 And rubbing his penis, 4189He wound up with a handful of goo. 4190% 4191There was a young man from Purdue 4192Who was only just learning to screw, 4193 But he hadn't the knack, 4194 And he got too far back -- 4195In the right church, but in the wrong pew. 4196% 4197There was a young man from Racine 4198Who invented a fucking machine. 4199 Concave or convex, 4200 It served either sex, 4201But oh what a bitch to keep clean. 4202% 4203There was a young man from Rangoon 4204Who used to lament 'neath the moon 4205 That he had the luck 4206 To be born of a fuck 4207That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon. 4208% 4209There was a young man from Salinas 4210Who had an extremely long penis: 4211 Believe it or not, 4212 When he lay on his cot 4213It reached from Marin to Martinez. 4214% 4215There was a young man from Seattle 4216Whose testicles tended to rattle. 4217 He said as he fuck-ed 4218 Some stones in a bucket, 4219"If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll." 4220% 4221There was a young man from Siam 4222Who said, "I go in with a wham, 4223 But I soon lose my starch 4224 Like the mad month of March, 4225And the lion comes out like a lamb." 4226% 4227There was a young man from St. Paul's 4228Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's" 4229 Till he grew such a passion 4230 For feminine fashion 4231That he knitted a snood for his balls. 4232% 4233There was a young man from Stamboul 4234Who boasted so torrid a tool 4235 That each female crater 4236 Explored by this satyr 4237Seemed almost unpleasantly cool. 4238% 4239There was a young man from Tibet- 4240And this is the strangest one yet- 4241 Whose tool was so long, 4242 So pointed and strong, 4243He could bugger six Greeks "en brochette". 4244% 4245There was a young man in Havana, 4246Banged his girl on a player-piana. 4247 At the height of their fever 4248 Her ass hit the lever 4249And: yes, he has no banana. 4250% 4251There was a young man in Norway, 4252Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh, 4253 But the air was so frigid 4254 It froze his cock rigid, 4255And all he could come was frappe. 4256% 4257There was a young man in the choir 4258Whose penis rose higher and higher, 4259 Till it reached such a height 4260 It was quite out of sight -- 4261But of course you know I'm a liar. 4262% 4263There was a young man, name of Fred, 4264Who spent every Thursday in bed; 4265 He lay with his feet 4266 Outside of the sheet, 4267And the pillows on top of his head. 4268 -- Edward Gorey 4269% 4270There was a young man, name of Saul, 4271Who was able to bounce either ball, 4272 He could stretch them and snap them, 4273 And juggle and clap them, 4274Which earned him the plaudits of all. 4275% 4276There was a young man named Crockett 4277Whose balls got caught in a socket. 4278 His wife was a bitch 4279 So she threw the switch, 4280And Crockett went off like a rocket. 4281% 4282There was a young man named Crockett 4283Whose balls got caught in a socket. 4284 His wife was a bitch, 4285 Yeah, she threw the switch, 4286And Crockett went off like a rocket. 4287% 4288There was a young man named Hughes 4289Who swore off all kinds of booze. 4290 He said, "When I'm muddled 4291 My senses get fuddled, 4292And I pass up too many screws." 4293% 4294There was a young man named Knute 4295Who had warts all over his root. 4296 He put acid on these 4297 And now when he pees, 4298He fingers the thing like a flute. 4299% 4300There was a young man named Laplace 4301Whose balls were made out of spun glass. 4302 When they banged together 4303 They played "Stormy Weather" 4304And lightning shot out of his ass. 4305% 4306There was a young man named McNamiter 4307With a tool of prodigious diameter. 4308 But it wasn't the size 4309 Gave the girls a surprise, 4310But his rythm -- iambic pentameter. 4311% 4312There was a young man named Rex 4313Who really was small for his sex. 4314 When tried for exposure 4315 The judge's disclosure 4316Was "de minimus non curat lex." 4317% 4318There was a young man named Zerubbabel 4319Who had only one real, and one rubber ball. 4320 When they asked if his pleasure 4321 Was only half measure, 4322He replied, "That is highly improbable." 4323% 4324There was a young man named Zerubbabub 4325Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club 4326 But the pride of his life 4327 Were the tits of his wife -- 4328One real, and one India-rubber bub. 4329% 4330There was a young man of Arras 4331Who stretched himself out on the grass, 4332 And with no little trouble, 4333 He bent himself double, 4334And stuck his prick well up his ass. 4335% 4336There was a young man of Australia 4337Who went on a wild bacchanalia. 4338 He buggered a frog, 4339 Two mice and a dog, 4340And a bishop in fullest regalia. 4341% 4342There was a young man of Belgrade 4343Who remarked, "I'm a queer piece of trade. 4344 I will suck, without charge, 4345 Any cock, if it's large. 4346If it's small, I expect to be paid." 4347% 4348There was a young man of Belgrade 4349Who slept with a girl in the trade. 4350 She said to him, "Jack, 4351 Try the hole in the back; 4352The front one is badly decayed." 4353% 4354There was a young man of Bengal 4355Who swore he had only one ball, 4356 But two little bitches 4357 Unbuttoned his britches, 4358And found he had no balls at all. 4359% 4360There was a young man of Bombay 4361Who buggered his dad once a day. 4362 He said, "I like, rather, 4363 Fucking my father -- 4364He's clean, and there's nothing to pay." 4365% 4366There was a young man of Calcutta, 4367Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter. 4368 When he got to c-u, 4369 A pious Hindoo 4370Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter. 4371% 4372There was a young man of Cape Horn 4373Who wished he had never been born, 4374 And he wouldn't have been 4375 If his father had seen 4376That the end of the rubber was torn. 4377% 4378There was a young man of Coblenz 4379Whose ballocks were simply immense: 4380 It took forty-four draymen, 4381 A priest and three laymen 4382To carry them thither and thence. 4383% 4384There was a young man of Darjeeling 4385Whose cock reached up to the ceiling. 4386 In the electric light socket, 4387 He'd put it and rock it-- 4388Oh God! What a wonderful feeling! 4389% 4390There was a young man of Devizes 4391Whose balls were of different sizes. 4392 His tool when at ease, 4393 Hung down to his knees, 4394Oh, what must it be when it rises! 4395% 4396There was a young man of Devizes, 4397Whose balls were of different sizes. 4398 One was so small, 4399 It was nothing at all; 4400The other took numerous prizes. 4401% 4402There was a young man of Dumfries 4403Who said to his girl, "If you please, 4404 It would give me great bliss 4405 If, while playing with this, 4406You would pay some attention to these!" 4407% 4408There was a young man of Greenwich 4409Whose balls were all covered with spinach. 4410 So long was his tool 4411 That it wound round a spool, 4412And he let it out inach by inach. 4413% 4414There was a young man of high station 4415Who was found by a pious relation 4416 Making love in a ditch 4417 To -- I won't say a bitch -- 4418But a woman of no reputation. 4419% 4420There was a young man of Khartoum, 4421The strength of whose balls was his doom. 4422 So strong was his shootin', 4423 The third law of Newton 4424Propelled the poor chap to the Moon. 4425% 4426There was a young man of Khartoum 4427Who lured a poor girl to her doom. 4428 He not only fucked her, 4429 But buggered and sucked her-- 4430And left her to pay for the room. 4431% 4432There was a young man of Kildare 4433Who was fucking a girl on the stair. 4434 The bannister broke, 4435 But he doubled his stroke 4436And finished her off in mid-air. 4437% 4438There was a young man of Kutki 4439Who could blink himself off with one eye. 4440 For a while though, he pined, 4441 When his organ declined 4442To function, because of a stye. 4443% 4444There was a young man of Lahore 4445Whose prick was one inch and no more. 4446 It was all right for key-holes 4447 And little girl's pee-holes, 4448But not worth a damn with a whore. 4449% 4450There was a young man of Lake Placid 4451Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid. 4452 When he wanted to sport 4453 He would have to resort 4454To injections of sulphuric acid. 4455% 4456There was a young man of Madras 4457Whose balls were constructed of brass. 4458 When jangled together 4459 They played "Stormy Weather", 4460And lightning shot out of his ass. 4461% 4462There was a young man of Missouri 4463Who fucked with a terrible fury. 4464 Till hauled into court 4465 For his beastial sport, 4466And condemned by a poorly-hung jury. 4467% 4468There was a young man of Natal 4469And Sue was the name of his gal. 4470 One day, north of Aden, 4471 He got his hard rod in, 4472And came clear up Suez Canal. 4473% 4474There was a young man of Natal 4475Who was fucking a Hottentot gal. 4476 Said she, "You're a sluggard!" 4477 Said he, "You be buggered! 4478I like to fuck slow and I shall." 4479% 4480There was a young man of Ostend 4481Who let a girl play with his end. 4482 She took hold of Rover, 4483 And felt it all over, 4484And it did what she didn't intend. 4485% 4486There was a young man of Ostend 4487Whose wife caught him fucking her friend. 4488 "It's no use, my duck, 4489 Interrupting our fuck, 4490For I'm damned if I draw till I spend." 4491% 4492There was a young man of Saskatchewan, 4493Whose penis was truly gargantuan. 4494 It was good for large whores, 4495 And for small dinosaurs, 4496And was rough enough to scratch a match upon. 4497% 4498There was a young man of Seattle 4499Who bested a bull in a battle. 4500 With fire and gumption 4501 He assumed the bull's function, 4502And deflowered a whole herd of cattle. 4503% 4504There was a young man of St. John's 4505Who wanted to bugger the swans. 4506 But the loyal hall porter 4507 Said, "Pray take my daughter! 4508Those birds are reserved for the dons." 4509% 4510There was a young man of Tibet 4511-- And this is the strangest one yet -- 4512 His prick was so long, 4513 And so pointed and strong, 4514He could bugger six sheep en brochette. 4515% 4516There was a young man of Toulouse 4517Who had a deficient prepuce, 4518 But the foreskin he lacked 4519 He made up in his sac; 4520The result was, his balls were too loose. 4521% 4522There was a young man who appeared 4523To his friends with a full growth of beard; 4524 They at once said, "Although 4525 We can't say why it's so, 4526The effect is uncommonly weird." 4527 -- Edward Gorey 4528% 4529There was a young man who said "God, 4530I find it exceedingly odd, 4531 That the willow oak tree 4532 Continues to be, 4533When there's no one about in the Quad." 4534 4535"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd, 4536For I'm always about in the Quad; 4537 And that's why the tree, 4538 Continues to be," 4539Signed "Yours faithfully, God." 4540% 4541There was a young man with a fiddle 4542Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?" 4543 She replied, "Yes, I do, 4544 But prefer to with two -- 4545It's twice as much fun in the middle." 4546% 4547There was a young man with a prick 4548Which into his wife he would stick 4549 Every morning and night 4550 If it stood up all right -- 4551Not a very remarkable trick. 4552 4553His wife had a nice little cunt: 4554It was hairy, and soft, and in front, 4555 And with this she would fuck him, 4556 Though sometimes she'd suck him -- 4557A charming, if commonplace, stunt. 4558% 4559There was a young man with one foot 4560Who had a very long root. 4561 If he used this peg 4562 As an extra leg 4563Is a question exceedingly moot. 4564% 4565There was a young miss from Johore 4566Who'd lie on a mat on the floor; 4567 In a manner uncanny 4568 She'd wobble her fanny, 4569And drain your nuts dry to the core. 4570% 4571There was a young monk from Siberia 4572Whose life got drearia' and drearia' 4573 Till he did to a nun 4574 What shouldn't be done 4575And made her a mother superia'. 4576% 4577There was a young monk from Tibet 4578And this is the damnedest one yet 4579 His cock was so long 4580 And incredibly strong 4581That he buggered six Greeks en brochette. 4582% 4583There was a young monk in Siberia, 4584Whose morals were very inferior, 4585 He jumped on a nun 4586 Which he shouldn't have done, 4587And now she's a Mother Superior. 4588% 4589There was a young monk of Dundee 4590Who complained that it hurt him to pee, 4591 He said, "Pax vobiscum, 4592 Now why won't the piss come? 4593I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p." 4594% 4595There was a young parson of Harwich, 4596Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage. 4597 She said, "No, you young goose, 4598 Just try self-abuse. 4599And the other we'll try after marriage." 4600% 4601There was a young peasant named Gorse 4602Who fell madly in love with his horse. 4603 Said his wife, "You rapscallion, 4604 That horse is a stallion -- 4605This constitutes grounds for divorce." 4606% 4607There was a young person of Kent 4608Who was famous wherever he went. 4609 All the way through a fuck, 4610 He would quack like a duck, 4611And he crowed like a cock when he spent. 4612% 4613There was a young physicist named Fisk 4614Whose lovemaking was rather brisk. 4615 So quick was his action, 4616 The Lorentz Contraction 4617Shortened his rod to a disc !! 4618% 4619There was a young plumber named Lee 4620Who was plumbing his girl by the sea. 4621 She said, "Stop your plumbing, 4622 There's somebody coming" 4623Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me." 4624% 4625There was a young poet named Dan, 4626Whose poetry never would scan. 4627 When told this was so, 4628 He said, "Yes, I know, 4629It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can." 4630% 4631There was a young royal marine, 4632Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen". 4633 When he reached the soprano 4634 Out came only guano 4635And his britches weren't fit to be seen. 4636% 4637There was a young sailor from Brighton, 4638Who remarked to his girl, "You're a tight one." 4639 She replied, "'Pon my soul, 4640 You're in the wrong hole; 4641There's plenty of room in the right one." 4642% 4643There was a young sapphic named Anna 4644Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana, 4645 Which she sucked, bit by bit, 4646 From her partner's warm slit, 4647In the most approved lesbian manner. 4648% 4649There was a young Scot in Madrid 4650Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid. 4651 When they said, "Are you faint?" 4652 He replied, "No, I ain't, 4653But I don't feel as good as I did." 4654% 4655There was a young soldier from Munich 4656Whose penis hung down past his tunic, 4657 And their chops girls would lick 4658 When they thought of his prick, 4659But alas! he was only a eunuch. 4660% 4661There was a young sportsman named Peel 4662Who went for a trip on his wheel; 4663 He pedalled for days 4664 Through crepuscular haze, 4665And returned feeling somewhat unreal. 4666 -- Edward Gorey 4667% 4668There was a young squaw of Wohunt 4669Who possessed a collapsible cunt. 4670 It had many odd uses, 4671 Produced no papooses, 4672And fitted both giant and runt. 4673% 4674There was a young student from Yale 4675Who was getting his first piece of tail. 4676 He shoved in his pole, 4677 But in the wrong hole, 4678And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!" 4679% 4680There was a young trollop at Yale, 4681Who had verses tattooed on her tail, 4682 And on her behind, 4683 For the sake of the blind, 4684A duplicate version in Braille. 4685% 4686There was a young whore from Kaloo 4687Who filled her vagina with glue. 4688 She said with a grin, 4689 "If they pay to get in, 4690They can pay to get out again too!" 4691% 4692There was a young woman called Pearl 4693Who quite resembled a churl; 4694 When she asked a young man named Tex 4695 Whether he would like to have sex, 4696"Certainly," quoth he, "Who's the girl?" 4697% 4698There was a young woman from Bude, 4699Who went for a swim in the nude, 4700 But a man in a punt, 4701 Grabbed at her elbow, 4702And said "Hey, lady, you can't swim here, it's private property." 4703% 4704There was a young woman in Dee 4705Who stayed with each man she did see. 4706 When it came to a test 4707 She wished to be best, 4708And practice makes perfect, you see. 4709% 4710There was a young woman named Alice 4711Who peed in a Catholic chalice. 4712 She said, "I do this 4713 From a great need to piss, 4714And not from sectarian malice." 4715% 4716There was a young woman named Ells 4717Who was subject to curious spells 4718 When got up very oddly, 4719 She'd cry out things ungodly 4720by the palms in expensive hotels. 4721 -- Edward Gorey 4722% 4723There was a young woman named Florence 4724Who for fucking professed an abhorrence, 4725 But they found her in bed 4726 With her cunt flaming red, 4727And her poodle-dog spending in torrents. 4728% 4729There was a young woman named Plunnery 4730Who rejoiced in the practice of gunnery. 4731 Till one day unobservant, 4732 She blew up a servant, 4733And was forced to retire to a nunnery. 4734 -- Edward Gorey 4735% 4736There was a young woman named Sutton 4737Who said, as she carved up the mutton, 4738 "My father preferred 4739 The last sheep in the herd -- 4740This is one of his children I'm cuttin'." 4741% 4742There was a young woman of Cheadle, 4743Who once gave the clap to a beadle. 4744 Said she, "Does it itch?" 4745 "It does, you damned bitch, 4746And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle." 4747% 4748There was a young woman of Condover 4749Whose husband had ceased to be fond of 'er. 4750 Her pussy was juicy, 4751 Her arse soft and goosey, 4752But peroxide had now made a blonde of 'er. 4753% 4754There was a young woman of Croft 4755Who played with herself in a loft, 4756 Having reasoned that candles 4757 Could never cause scandals, 4758Besides which they did not go soft. 4759 4760Said another young woman of Croft, 4761Amusing herself in the loft, 4762 "A salami or wurst 4763 Is what I'd choose first -- 4764With bologna you know you've been boffed." 4765% 4766There was a young woman, quite handsome, 4767Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom. 4768 When she offered much gold 4769 For release, she was told 4770That the view was worth more than the ransom. 4771% 4772There was a young woman whose stammer 4773Was atrocious, and so was her grammar; 4774 But they were not improved 4775 When her husband was moved 4776To knock out her teeth with a hammer. 4777 -- Edward Gorey 4778% 4779There was an old abbess quite shocked 4780To find nuns where the candles were locked. 4781 Said the abbess, "You nuns 4782 Should behave more like guns, 4783And never go off till you're cocked." 4784% 4785There was an old bishop from Buckingham 4786Who fell in love with some oysters while shucking 'em. 4787 His wife with distain 4788 Could scarcely restrain 4789That sprightly old bishop from * * *. 4790% 4791There was an old count of Swoboda 4792Who would not pay a whore what he owed her. 4793 So, with great savoir-faire, 4794 She stood on a chair 4795And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda. 4796% 4797There was an old curate of Hestion 4798Who'd errect at the slightest suggestion. 4799 But so small was his tool 4800 He could scarce screw a spool, 4801And a cunt was quite out of the question. 4802% 4803There was an old fellow named Art 4804Who awoke with a horrible start, 4805 For down by his rump 4806 Was a generous lump 4807Of what should have been just a fart. 4808% 4809There was an old fellow named Skinner 4810Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner. 4811 But still, by and large, 4812 It would always discharge 4813Once he could just get it in her. 4814% 4815There was an old feminine blighter 4816Who trained a Chow dog to delight her. 4817 She would cream her own pool 4818 While she sucked off his tool -- 4819How his cock in her cunt would excite her! 4820% 4821There was an old gent from Kentuck 4822Who boasted a filigreed schmuck, 4823 But he put it away 4824 For fear that one day 4825He might put it in and get stuck. 4826% 4827There was an old girl of Kilkenny 4828Whose usual charge was a penny. 4829 For half of that sum 4830 You could finger her bum-- 4831A source of amusement to many. 4832% 4833There was an old harlot from Dijon 4834Who in her old age got religion. 4835 "When I'm dead & gone," 4836 Said she, "I'll take on 4837The Father, the Son, and the Pigeon." 4838% 4839There was an old hermit named Dave 4840Who kept a dead whore in his cave. 4841 He said "I'll admit 4842 I'm a bit of a shit, 4843But look at the money I save." 4844% 4845There was an old lady of Bingly 4846Who wailed, "I do hate to sleep singly. 4847 I thought I had got 4848 A bloke for my twat, 4849But he seems rather queenly than kingly." 4850% 4851There was an old lady of Glascow, 4852Whose party proved quite a fiasco. 4853 At nine-thirty, about, 4854 The lights all went out, 4855Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co. 4856% 4857There was an old lady of Kewry 4858Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae': 4859 The `introitus vaginae', 4860 Was unnaturally tiny, 4861And the thought of it filled her with fury. 4862% 4863There was an old lady who lay 4864With her legs wide apart in the hay, 4865 Then, calling the ploughman, 4866 She said, "Do it now, man! 4867Don't wait till your hair has turned gray." 4868% 4869There was an old maid from Cape Cod 4870Who thought all good things came from god. 4871 But it wasn't the almighty 4872 Who lifted her nighty, 4873It was Roger, the lodger, by god. 4874% 4875There was an old man from Bengal 4876Who liked to do tricks in the hall. 4877 His favorite trick 4878 Was to stand on his dick 4879While he rolled around on one ball. 4880% 4881There was an old man from Duluth 4882Whose cock was shot off in his youth. 4883 He fucked with his nose 4884 Or his fingers and toes 4885And he came thru a hole in his tooth. 4886% 4887There was an old man from Fort Drum 4888Whose son was incredibly dumb. 4889 When he urged him ahead, 4890 He went down instead, 4891For he thought to succeed meant succumb. 4892% 4893There was an old man of Alsace 4894Who played the trombone with his ass. 4895 He put in a trap 4896 To take out the crap, 4897But the vapors corroded the brass. 4898% 4899There was an old man of Brienz 4900The length of whose cock was immense: 4901 With one swerve he could plug 4902 A boy's bottom in Zug, 4903And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz. 4904% 4905There was an old man of Cajon 4906Who never could get a good bone. 4907 With the aid of a gland 4908 It grew simply grand; 4909Now his wife cannot leave it alone. 4910% 4911There was an old man of Calcutta 4912Who spied through a chink in the shutter. 4913 But all he could see 4914 Was his wife's bare knee, 4915And the back of the bloke who was up her. 4916% 4917There was an old man of Connaught 4918Whose prick was remarkably short. 4919 When he got into bed, 4920 The old woman said, 4921"This isn't a prick, it's a wart." 4922% 4923There was an old man of Duddee 4924Who came home as drunk as could be. 4925 He wound up the clock 4926 With the end of his cock, 4927And buggered his wife with the key. 4928% 4929There was an old man of Duluth 4930Whose cock was shot off in his youth. 4931 He fucked with his nose 4932 And with fingers and toes, 4933And he came through a hole in his tooth. 4934% 4935There was an old man of Hong Kong 4936Who never did anything wrong. 4937 He would lie on his back 4938 With his head in a sack 4939And secretly finger his dong. 4940% 4941There was an old man of St. Bees, 4942Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. 4943 When asked, "Does it hurt?" 4944 He relied, "No, it doesn't. 4945I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet." 4946% 4947There was an old man of St. Bees, 4948Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. 4949 When asked, "Does it hurt?" 4950 He relied, "No, it doesn't. 4951I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet." 4952 -- W.S. Gilbert 4953% 4954There was an old man of Tagore 4955Whose tool was a yard long or more, 4956 So he wore the damn thing 4957 In a surgical sling 4958To keep it from wiping the floor. 4959% 4960There was an Old Man of the Mountain 4961Who frigged himself into a fountain 4962 Fifteen times had he spent, 4963 Still he wasn't content, 4964He simply got tired of the counting. 4965% 4966There was an old man of the port 4967Whose prick was remarkably short. 4968 When he got into bed, 4969 The old woman said, 4970"That isn't a prick; it's a wart!" 4971% 4972There was an old man of the port 4973Whose prick was remarkably short. 4974 When he got into bed, 4975 The old woman said, 4976"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!" 4977% 4978There was an old man of the port 4979Whose prick was remarkably short. 4980 When he got into bed, 4981 The old woman said, 4982"That isn't a prick; it's a wart!" 4983% 4984There was an old man who said, "Tush! 4985My balls always hang in the brush, 4986 And I fumble about, 4987 Half in and half out, 4988With a pecker as limber as mush." 4989% 4990There was an old man with a beard 4991Who said, "It is just what I feared! 4992 Two owls and a hen, 4993 Four larks and a wren 4994Have all built their nests in my beard!" 4995% 4996There was an old person of Ware 4997Who had an affair with a bear. 4998 He explained, "I don't mind, 4999 For it's gentle and kind, 5000But I wish it had slightly less hair." 5001% 5002There was an old pirate named Bates 5003Who was learning to rhumba on skates 5004 He fell on his cutlass 5005 Which rendered him nutless 5006And practically useless on dates. 5007% 5008There was an old satyr named Mack 5009Whose prick had a left handed tack. 5010 If the ladies he loves 5011 Don't spin when he shoves, 5012Their cervixes frequently crack. 5013% 5014There was an old Scot named McTavish 5015Who attempted an anthropoid ravish. 5016 The object of rape 5017 Was the wrong sex of ape, 5018And the anthropoid ravished McTavish. 5019% 5020There was an old whore from Silesia 5021Who'd croke: "If my box doesn't please ya, 5022 For a slight extra sum 5023 You can go up my bum 5024But watchout or my tapeworm'll seize ya." 5025% 5026There was an old whore in the Azores 5027Whose body was covered with festers & sores. 5028 Why the dogs in the street 5029 Wouldn't eat the green meat 5030That hung in festoons from her drawers. 5031% 5032There was an old woman of Ghent 5033Who swore that her cunt had no scent. 5034 She got fucked so often 5035 At last she got rotten, 5036And didn't she stink when she spent. 5037% 5038There was once a mechanic named Bench 5039Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench. 5040 With this vibrant device 5041 He could reach, in a trice, 5042The innermost parts of a wench. 5043% 5044There was once a sad Maitre d'hotel 5045Who said, "They can all go to hell! 5046 What they do to my wife-- 5047 Why it ruins my life; 5048And the worst is, they all do it well. 5049% 5050There were three ladies of Huxham, 5051And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em, 5052 And when that game grows stale 5053 We sits on a rail, 5054And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em. 5055% 5056There were three young ladies of Birmingham, 5057And this is the scandal concerning 'em. 5058 They lifted the frock 5059 And tickled the cock 5060Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em. 5061 5062Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool, 5063He'd been to a good public school, 5064 So he took down their britches 5065 And buggered those bitches 5066With his ten-inch episcopal tool. 5067 5068Then up spoke a lady from Kew, 5069And said, as the Bishop withdrew, 5070 "The vicar is quicker 5071 And thicker and slicker, 5072And longer and stronger than you." 5073 -- Abuses of the Clergy 5074% 5075There's a charming young girl in Tobruk 5076Who refers to her quiff as a nook. 5077 It's deep and it's wide, 5078 -- You can curl up inside 5079With a nice easy chair and a book. 5080% 5081There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu 5082Who's often been screwed by yours truly, 5083 But now--it's appallin'-- 5084 My balls always fall in! 5085I fear that I've fucked her unduly. 5086% 5087There's a dowager near Sweden Landing 5088Whose manners are odd and demanding. 5089 It's one of her jests 5090 To suck off her guests -- 5091She hates to keep gentlemen standing. 5092% 5093There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock 5094Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock, 5095 But her cunt's got a pucker 5096 That's best not to fuck, or 5097When least you expect it to, it'll lock. 5098% 5099There's a rather odd couple in Herts 5100Who are cousins (or so each asserts); 5101 Their sex is in doubt 5102 For they're never without 5103Their moustaches and long, trailing skirts. 5104 -- Edward Gorey 5105% 5106There's a sports-minded coed named Sue, 5107Who's been coxing the varsity crew. 5108 In the shell Sue is great, 5109 But her boyfriend's irate, 5110When she calls out the stroke as they screw. 5111% 5112There's a tavern in London that's staffed, 5113By a barmaid who's tops at her craft: 5114 In her striving to please, 5115 She serves ale on her knees, 5116So the patrons get head with their draft. 5117% 5118There's a very hot babe at the Aggies 5119Who's to men what to bulls a red rag is. 5120 The seniors go round 5121 Hanging down to the ground, 5122And one extra-large Soph has to drag his. 5123% 5124There's a vicar who's classed as nefarious, 5125Since his shocking perversions are various... 5126 He will bugger some lad 5127 With a dildo (the cad!) 5128While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!" 5129% 5130There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts, 5131Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz. 5132 When one pireg is shot, 5133 There's that alternate twat, 5134But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts. 5135% 5136There's an oversexed lady named Whyte 5137Who insists on a dozen a night. 5138 A fellow named Cheddar 5139 Had the brashness to wed her- 5140His chance of survival is slight. 5141% 5142There's an unbroken babe from Toronto, 5143Exceedingly hard to get onto, 5144 But when you get there, 5145 And have parted the hair, 5146You can fuck her as much as you want to. 5147% 5148They had come in the fugue to the stretto 5149When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto 5150 Slipped forward and grabbed 5151 Her tresses and stabbed 5152Her to death with a rusty stiletto. 5153 -- Edward Gorey 5154% 5155Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz, 5156Was to do what man normally does, 5157 She declared, "I'm a Soul- 5158 Not a sexual goal!" 5159So he shrugged and called someone who was. 5160% 5161Though most of the crewmen are whites, 5162Uhura has full equal rights. 5163 Her crewmates, you see, 5164 Love De-mo-cra-cy, 5165And the way that she fills out her tights. 5166% 5167Though the invalid Saint of Brac 5168Lay all of his life on his back, 5169 His wife got her share, 5170 And the pilgrims now stare 5171At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque. 5172% 5173'Tis a custom in Castellamare 5174To fuck in the back of a lorry. 5175 The chassis and springs 5176 Are like woodwinds and strings 5177In the midst of a musical soiree. 5178% 5179To a weepy young woman in Thrums 5180Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes 5181 Of allowing your tears 5182 To fall into my ears - 5183I think they have rotted the drums." 5184 -- Edward Gorey 5185% 5186To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable. 5187Their fertility was somewhat unstable. 5188 He constructed a bed 5189 Out of tree trunks and said, 5190"Even adders can multiply on a log table." 5191% 5192To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish! 5193Your cunt is as big as a dish!" 5194 She replied, "Why, you fool, 5195 With your limp little tool 5196It's like driving a nail with a fish!" 5197% 5198To his bride said a numskull named Clarence : 5199"I trust you will show some forbearance. 5200 My sexual habits 5201 I picked up from rabbits, 5202And occasionally watching my parents." 5203% 5204To his bride said economist Fife : 5205"The semen you'll launch as my wife, 5206 We will salvage and freeze 5207 To resemble goat's cheese, 5208And slice for hors d'oeuvres with a knife." 5209% 5210To his bride said the keen-eyed detective, 5211"Can it be that my eyesight's defective? 5212 Has the east tit the least bit 5213 The best of the west tit, 5214Or is it the faulty perspective?" 5215% 5216To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective, 5217"Can it be that my eyesight's defective? 5218 Is your east tit the least bit 5219 The best of your west tit, 5220Or is it a trick of perspective?" 5221% 5222To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple, 5223As he poured his post-prandial tipple, 5224 "Your mother's behaviour 5225 Gave pain to Our Saviour, 5226And that's why He made you a cripple." 5227 -- Edward Gorey 5228% 5229Two anglers were fishing off Wight 5230And his bobber was dipping all night. 5231 Murmured she, with a laugh, 5232 "It's ready to gaff, 5233But don't break your rod which is light." 5234 5235A couple was fishing near Clombe 5236When the maid began looking quite glum, 5237 And said, "Bother the fish! 5238 I'd rather coish!" 5239Which they did -- which was why they had come. 5240 5241As two consular clerks in Madras 5242Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass, 5243 "What a marvelous pole," 5244 Said she, "but control 5245Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass." 5246% 5247Two eager young men from Cawnpore 5248Once buggared and fucked the same whore. 5249 But her partition split 5250 And the blood and the shit 5251Rolled out in a mess on the floor. 5252% 5253Two roosters in one of our pens 5254Found their pricks were no larger than wens. 5255 As they looked at their foreskins 5256 And wished they had more skins, 5257They discovered they'd both become hens. 5258% 5259Under the spreading chestnut tree 5260The village smith he sat, 5261 Amusing himself 5262 By abusing himself 5263And catching the load in his hat. 5264% 5265Une joile epousetta a Tours 5266Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours. 5267 Mais le mari disait, "Non! 5268 De trop n'est pas bon! 5269Mon derriere exige du secours!" 5270% 5271Visas erat: huic geminarum 5272Dispar modus testicularum: 5273 Minor haec nihili, 5274 Palma triplici, 5275Jam fecerat altera clarum. 5276% 5277We dedicate this to the cunt, 5278The kind the broad-minded guys hunt : 5279 All hail to the twat, 5280 Willing, thrilling, and hot, 5281That wears peckers down, limp and blunt! 5282% 5283When I was a baby, my penis 5284Was as white as the buttocks of Venus. 5285 But now 'this as red 5286 As her nipples instead-- 5287All because of the feminie genus! 5288% 5289When they asked a pert baggage name Alice, 5290Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace, 5291 "Was he modest or vain?" 5292 "Was he regal or plain?" 5293She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!" 5294% 5295When you fuck little Annie in Anza 5296You get a great bossom bonanza: 5297 Sucking Annie's soft tits 5298 Makes her throw fifty fits, 5299And the fuck is a sextravaganza! 5300% 5301While his duchess lay practically dead, 5302The Duke of Daguerrodargue said: 5303 "Can it be this is all? 5304 How puny! How small! 5305Have destroyed this disgrace to my bed." 5306 -- Edward Gorey 5307% 5308While I, with my usual enthusiasm, 5309Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm, 5310 She explained, "They are flat, 5311 But think nothing of that -- 5312You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm." 5313% 5314While out on a date in his Fiat, 5315The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?" 5316 As he bent down to seek, 5317 She let out a shriek: 5318"That's not where it's likely to be at." 5319% 5320While spending the winter at Pau 5321Lady Pamela forgot to say "No." 5322 So the head-porter made her 5323 And the second-cook laid her; 5324The waiters were all hanging low. 5325% 5326While Titian was mixing rose madder, 5327His model reclined on a ladder. 5328 Her position to Titian 5329 Suggested coition, 5330So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er. 5331% 5332While travelling in farthest Tibet, 5333Lord Irongate found cause to regret 5334 The buttered-up tea, 5335 A pain in his knee, 5336And the frivolous tourists he met. 5337 -- Edward Gorey 5338% 5339Winter is here with his grouch, 5340The time when you sneeze and you slouch. 5341 You can't take your women 5342 Canoein' or swimmin', 5343But a lot can be done on a couch. 5344% 5345With his penis in turgid erection, 5346And aimed at woman's mid-section, 5347 Man looks most uncouth 5348 In that Moment of Truth, 5349But she sheathes it with loving affection. 5350% 5351You Women's Lib gals won't agree, 5352But dependent on men you must be: 5353 You'll need a him 5354 With a rod firm and trim, 5355To puggle your water-drains free! 5356% 5357Young Frederick the great was a beaut. 5358To a guard he cried, "Hey, man, you're cute. 5359 If you'll come to my palace, 5360 I'll finger your phallus, 5361And then I shall blow on your flute." 5362% 5363You've heard of the bishop of Birmingham, 5364Well, here's the new story concerning 'im : 5365 He buggers the choir 5366 As they sing "Ave Maria," 5367And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em. 5368% 5369