1%%$FreeBSD: src/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy,v 1.2.2.3 2001/09/30 22:45:25 kris Exp $ 2%%$DragonFly: src/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy,v 1.2 2003/06/17 04:25:24 dillon Exp $ 3When things are going well, someone will inevitably 4experiment detrimentally. 5% 6If not controlled, work will flow to the competent 7man until he submerges. 8% 9The deficiency will never show itself during the test runs. 10% 11The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found 12in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting. 13% 14It is impossible to build a fool proof system; 15because fools are so ingenious. 16% 17Talent in staff work or sales will continually be 18interpreted as managerial ability. 19% 20Information travels more surely to those with a 21lesser need to know. 22% 23The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his 24subordinate's premonitions only during the postmortems. 25% 26An original idea can never emerge from committee 27in its original form. 28% 29No good deed goes unpunished. 30% 31When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system 32will perform perfectly. 33% 34Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce 35multiple interpretations. 36% 37The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by 38the paper clip of the overlying memo and go to file. 39% 40On successive charts of the same organization, the number of 41boxes will never decrease. 42% 43It is ok to be ignorant in some areas, 44but some people abuse the privilege. 45% 46Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment 47to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime. 48% 49Success can be insured only by devising a defense against 50failure of the contingency plan. 51% 52Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later. 53% 54Performance is directly affected by the perversity of 55inanimate objects. 56% 57Leakproof seals --- will. 58% 59Never offend people with style 60when you can offend them with substance. 61% 62Our customers' paperwork is profit. 63Our own paperwork is loss. 64% 65At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable. 66% 67As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse. 68% 69This space for rent. 70% 71The more directives you issue to solve a problem, 72the worse it gets. 73% 74Cop-out number 1. 75You should have seen it when I got it. 76% 77When you're up to your ass in alligators, it is 78difficult to keep your mind on the fact that your primary 79objective was to drain the swamp. 80% 81The road to hell is paved with good intentions 82and littered with sloppy analyses! 83% 84Self starters --- won't. 85% 86If the assumptions are wrong, 87the conclusions aren't likely to be very good. 88% 89The organization of any program reflects the organization 90of the people who developed it. 91% 92There is no such thng as a "dirty capitalist", 93only a capitalist. 94% 95Anything is possible, but nothing is easy. 96% 97The meek will inherit the earth 98after the rest of us go to the stars. 99% 100Capitalism can exist in one of only two states: 101welfare or warfare. 102% 103History proves nothing. 104% 105A lot of what appears to be progress is just so much 106technological roccoco. 107% 108A little humility is arrogance. 109% 110Interchangeable parts --- won't. 111% 112Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of 113faults is proportional to the number of viewers. 114% 115All American cars are basically Chevrolets. 116% 117A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not 118take place. 119% 120No experiment is ever a complete failure. 121It can always be used as a bad example. 122% 123Despite the sign that says "wet paint", 124please don't. 125% 126Everything tastes more or less like chicken. 127% 128People don't change; they only become more so. 129% 130I finally got it all together... 131but I forgot where I put it. 132% 133If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is 134because of something left out, rather than added. 135% 136There is always one more bug. 137% 138The big guys always win. 139% 140Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. 141% 142Any sufficiently advanced technology is 143indistinguishable from magic. 144% 145It's always darkest just before the lights go out. 146% 147It is better to be part of the idle rich class 148than be part of the idle poor class. 149% 150Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem. 151% 152For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill. 153% 154If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough 155chances are someone else will do it for you. 156% 157Everybody's gotta be someplace. 158% 159Nature is a mother. 160% 161If you've got them by the balls, 162their hearts and minds will follow. 163% 164People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell 165them Benjamin Franklin said it first. 166% 167If at first you don't succeed, transform your dataset. 168% 169Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 170% 171Any given program cost more and take longer. 172% 173If a program is useful, it will be changed. 174% 175If a program is useless, it will be documented. 176% 177Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. 178% 179The value of a program is proportional 180to the weight of its output. 181% 182Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy! 183% 184Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability 185of the programmer who must maintain it. 186% 187Make it possible for programmers to write programs 188in english and you will find that programmers cannot 189write in english. 190% 191When more and more people are thrown out of work, 192unemployment results. 193% 194If you can't measure it, I'm not interested. 195% 196The best way to lie is to tell the truth..... 197carefully edited truth. 198% 199There are three ways to get things done: 200 (1) Do it yourself, 201 (2) Hire someone to do it, or 202 (3) Forbid your kids to do it. 203% 204I think ... therefore I am confused. 205% 206A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. 207% 208History repeats itself. 209that's one of the things wrong with history. 210% 21190% of everything is crud. 212% 213Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can. 214% 215Those with the best advice offer no advice. 216% 217Speak softly and own a big, mean doberman. 218% 219Democracy is that form of government where 220everybody gets what the majority deserves. 221% 222If you're worried about being crazy, 223don't be overly concerned: 224If you were, you would think you were sane. 225% 226Pills to be taken in twos always come 227out of the bottle in threes. 228% 229Flynn is dead 230Tron is dead 231long live the MCP. 232% 233Why worry about tomorrow? We may not make it through today! 234% 235Real programmers don't number paragraph names 236consecutively. 237% 238If you're feeling good, don't worry, 239you'll get over it. 240% 241Real programmers don't grumble about the disadvantages 242of Cobol when they don't know any other language. 243% 244Definition of an elephant: 245A mouse built to goverment specifications. 246% 247Real programmers are kind to rookies. 248% 249Real programmers don't notch their desks for each 250completed service request. 251% 252You don't have to be crazy to work here 253but it sure helps!!!!!!! 254% 255Real programmers don't announce how many times the 256operations department called them last night. 257% 258A day without sunshine .... 259is like ... night! 260% 261Real programmers are secure enough to write readable code, 262which they then self-righteously refuse to explain. 263% 264Real programmers don't play video games, they write them. 265% 266Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. 267% 268Real programmers understand Pascal. 269% 270Real programmers know it's not operations' 271fault if their jobs go into "hogs". 272% 273Real programmers do not eat breakfast from the 274vending machines. 275% 276Real programmers punch up their own programs. 277% 278When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade. 279% 280Real programmers have read the standards manual 281but won't admit it. 282% 283Real programmers don't advertise their hangovers. 284% 285Real programmers don't dress for success unless 286they are trying to convince others that they are 287going on interviews. 288% 289Real programmers do not practice four-syllable words before 290walkthroughs. 291% 292All warranties expire upon payment of invoice. 293% 294Real programmers argue with the systems analyst as a 295matter of principle. 296% 297The final test is when it goes production ... 298w h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t i o n ... 299w h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t 300w h e n i t g o e s p r o 301% 302Real programmers drink too much coffee so that they will 303always seem tense and overworked. 304% 305Real programmers always have a better idea. 306% 307Anyone who follows a crowd will 308never be followed by a crowd. 309% 310Real programmers can do octal, hexadecimal and 311binary math in their heads. 312% 313Real programmers don't write memos. 314% 315Real programmers know what saad means. 316% 317Real programmers do not utter profanities at an elevated 318decible level. 319% 320Where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit. 321% 322Real programmers do not apply DP terminology to non-DP 323situations. 324% 325I no longer get lost in the shuffle.... 326I shuffle along with the lost. 327% 328Real programmers do not read books like 329"effective listening" and "communication skills". 330% 331Real programmers print only clean compiles, 332fixing all errors through the terminal. 333% 334The early worm deserves the bird. 335% 336Lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way!! 337% 338All good things must come to an end. 339I want to know when they start! 340% 341A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell 342in such a way that you look forward to the trip. 343% 344Blessed are those who go around in circles, 345for they shall be known as wheels. 346% 347Never eat prunes when you are famished. 348% 349Keep emotionally active, 350cater to your favorite neurosis. 351% 352A RACF protected dataset is inaccessible. 353% 354RACF is a four letter word. 355% 356You may be recognized soon. 357Hide! 358If they find you, lie. 359% 360You can pray hard enough to make water run uphill 361how hard? 362Hard enough to make water run uphill. 363% 364Avoid reality at all costs. 365% 366Program design philosophy: 367 368 Start at the beginning and continue until the end, 369 then stop. 370 -- Lewis Carroll 371% 372A closed mouth gathers no foot. 373% 374Only a mediocre person is always at their best. 375% 376Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. 377% 378In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, 379the greater the confusion. 380% 381The first time is for love. 382The next time is $200. 383% 384Of two possible events, 385only the undesired one will occur. 386% 387The faster the plane, 388the narrower the seats. 389% 390If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know. 391% 392If on an actuarial basis there is a 50 50 chance that 393something will go wrong, 394It will actually go wrong nine times out of ten. 395% 396A man of quality does not fear a woman seeking equality. 397% 398The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to 399save all of the parts. 400% 4011) Things will get worse before they get better. 4022) Who said things would get better? 403% 404If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it. 405% 406There is a solution to every problem; 407the only difficulty is finding it. 408% 409Don't make your doctor your heir. 410% 411Don't ask the barber if you need a haircut. 412% 413If there isn't a law, there will be. 414% 415If you don't like the answer, 416you shouldn't have asked the question. 417% 418Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. 419% 420You can't expect to hit the jackpot 421if you don't put a few nickles in the machine. 422% 423Unless you intend to kill him immediately; never kick a man 424in the balls, not even symbolically or perhaps especially 425not symbolically. 426% 427Freud's 23rd law: ideas endure and prosper in inverse 428proportion to their soundness and validity. 429% 430A short cut is the longest distance between two points. 431% 432If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor. 433% 434If you know, you can't say. 435% 436The meek shall inherit the earth, 437but not its mineral rights. 438% 4391) You can't win 4402) You can't break even 4413) You can't even quit the game 442% 443When eating an elephant take one bite at a time. 444% 445Common sense is not so common. 446% 447If we learn by our mistakes, 448I'm getting one hell of an education!! 449% 450Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the 451embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs. 452% 453Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation 454for being useful. 455% 456You will always find something in the last place you look. 457% 458The probability of anything happening is in 459inverse ratio to its desirability. 460% 461The first myth of management is that it exists 462the second myth of management is that success equals skill. 463% 464If it's good they will stop making it. 465% 466Inside every large program 467is a small program struggling to get out. 468% 469A memorandum is written not to inform the reader 470but to protect the writer. 471% 472Never insult an alligator 473until after you have crossed the river. 474% 475Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart. 476% 477When your opponent is down, kick him. 478% 479The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of 480someone he can blame it on. 481% 482The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered 483side down is directly proportional to the cost of the 484carpet. 485% 486In the fight between you and the world, back the world. 487% 488Last guys don't finish nice. 489% 490Never admit anything. 491Never regret anything 492whatever it is, you're not responsible. 493% 494If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong. 495% 496When working toward the solution of a problem, 497it always helps if you know the answer. 498Provided of course you know there is a problem. 499% 500The usefulness of any meeting 501is in inverse proportion to the attendance. 502% 503The sun goes down just when you need it the most. 504% 505Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary 506drivel off the tv screen. 507% 508Whatever creates the greatest inconvenience for the largest 509number must happen. 510% 511No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after 512you have bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper. 513% 514Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line. 515% 516A disagreeable task is its own reward. 517% 518If things were left to chance, they'd be better. 519% 520The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk 521to the other end of the building. 522% 523Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry. 524% 525A president of a democracy is a man who is always ready, 526willing, and able to lay down your life for his country. 527% 528If a thing is done wrong ofter enough 529it becomes right. 530% 531People will buy anything that is one to a customer. 532% 533If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always 534manage to boot yourself in the posterior. 535% 536No one's life, liberty, or property are safe 537while the legislature is in session. 538% 539Never say "oops" after you have submitted a job. 540% 541Bad news drives good news out of the media. 542% 543Just when you get really good at something, 544you don't need to do it anymore. 545% 546If facts do not conform to the theory, 547they must be disposed of. 548% 549Almost anything is easier to get into than out of. 550% 551When properly administered, vacations do not diminish 552productivity. For every week you are away and get nothing 553done, there is another week when your boss is away and you 554get twice as much done. 555% 556No matter what happens, there is always somebody 557who knew that it would. 558% 559The other line always moves faster. 560% 561Never eat at a place called moms, never play cards with a 562man named doc, and never lie down with a woman who has 563got more troubles than you. 564% 565To get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it. 566% 567When all else fails, read the instructions. 568% 569Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than 570you thought. 571% 572"Close" only counts in horseshoes, handgrenades and 573thermonuclear devices. 574% 575The lion and the calf shall lie down together, 576but the calf won't get much sleep. 577% 578If you fool around with a thing for very long you will 579screw it up. 580% 581It is better for civilization to be going down the drain, 582than to be coming up it. 583% 584A $300.00 picture tube will protect a 10� fuse by blowing 585first. 586% 587Justice always prevails... 588three times out of seven. 589% 590If it jams --- force it. If it breaks, 591it needed replacing anyway. 592% 593I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, 594when you looked at it in the right way, did not become 595still more complicated. 596 -- Poul Anderson 597% 598Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath 599to the exact center. 600% 601No matter which direction you start, 602it's always against the wind coming back. 603% 604The repairman will never have seen a model quite like 605yours before. 606% 607Don't force it, 608get a bigger hammer. 609% 610When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, 611it will work perfectly. 612% 613Pity the poor egg; 614It only gets laid once in its life. 615% 616An optimist is a person who looks forward to marriage. 617A pessimist is a married optimist! 618% 619A pessimist is an optimist with experience. 620% 621Old programmers never die - they just abend. 622% 623The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, 624even in the wrong denomination. 625% 626Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet 627somebody moves the ends! 628% 629Just because you are paranoid 630doesn't mean "they" aren't out to get you. 631% 632An Irishman is not drunk as long as 633he can hang onto a single blade of grass 634and not fall off the face of the earth. 635% 636If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong 637equipment. 638% 639Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink, 640some prefer to just gargle. 641% 642Everything is revealed to he who turns over enough stones. 643(Including the snakes that he did not want to find.) 644% 645Everybody should believe in something; 646I believe I'll have another drink. 647% 648Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least. 649% 650Build a system that even a fool can use, 651and only a fool will use it. 652% 653Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work. 654% 655It's always the wrong time of the month. 656% 657In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level 658of incompetence, and then remains there. 659% 660It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick 661up something from the floor while you get up. 662% 663You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash 664when the garbage truck is two doors away. 665% 666Misery no longer loves company 667nowdays it insists on it. 668% 669The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the 670strong, but that's the way to bet. 671% 672Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it. 673% 674There's never time to do it right, but there's always 675time to do it over. 676% 677On a beautiful day like this it's hard to believe anyone 678can be unhappy -- but we will work on it. 679% 680When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. 681% 682The more ridiculous a belief system, 683the higher probability of its success. 684% 685Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or 686fattening. 687% 688Old age is always fifteen years older than I am. 689% 690It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. 691% 692A bird in hand is safer than one overhead. 693% 694The ratio of time involved in work to time available for 695work is usually about 0.6 696% 697Remember the golden rule: 698Those that have the gold make the rules. 699% 700Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and 701knows it for he shall enjoy living. 702% 703Everything east of the San Andreas fault will evenutally 704plunge into the Atlantic ocean. 705% 706I finally got it all together ... 707but I forgot where I put it. 708% 709Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. 710% 711Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, 712for he shall not be disappointed. 713% 714The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of 715an oncoming train. 716% 717Celibacy is not hereditary. 718% 719You can observe a lot just by watching. 720% 721If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, 722you will borrow it and 723you will break it. 724% 725Live within your income, 726even if you have to borrow to do so. 727% 728Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes clear to the bone. 729% 730Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 731% 732To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression. 733% 734An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. 735% 736Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. 737% 738A bird in the hand is dead. 739% 740A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. 741% 742Never put all your eggs in your pocket. 743% 744If everything seems to be going well, 745you obviously don't know what the hell is going on. 746% 747If at first you don't succeed, 748blame it on your supervisor. 749% 750If more than one person is responsible for a 751miscalculation, no one will be at fault. 752% 753Don't bite the hand that has your pay check in it. 754% 755In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. 756% 757When in doubt, mumble. 758When in trouble, delegate. 759When in charge, ponder. 760% 761Please don't steal, the IRS hates competition! 762% 763Never argue with a fool, 764people might not know the difference. 765% 766You can't guard against the arbitrary. 767% 768People can be divided into three groups: 769Those who make things happen, 770Those who watch things happen and 771Those who wonder what happened. 772% 773I no longer get lost in the shuffle, 774I shuffle along with the lost. 775% 776The one thing that money can not buy is poverty. 777% 778You are not drunk if you can lay on the floor without 779holding on. 780% 781In any household, junk accumulates to the the space 782available for its storage. 783% 784Don't stop to stomp on ants 785when the elephants are stampeding. 786% 787The longer the title the less important the job. 788% 789Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion 790if it did occur, will occur. 791% 792When you are right be logical, 793when you are wrong be-fuddle. 794% 795For every human problem, there is a neat, plain solution -- 796and it is always wrong. 797% 798There are no winners in life: Only survivors. 799% 800When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad. 801% 802The yoo-hoo you yoo-hoo into the forest is the yoo-hoo you 803get back. 804% 805You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it. 806% 807The idea is to die young as late as possible. 808% 809No man is lonely while eating spaghetti. 810% 811It's better to retire too soon than too late. 812% 813A man should be greater than some of his parts. 814% 815If you don't say it, they can't repeat it. 816% 817Nothing is ever as simple as it seems. 818% 819Everything takes longer than you expect. 820% 821Left to themselves, all things go from bad to worse. 822% 823If you see that there are four possible ways in which a 824procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a 825fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop. 826% 827Things get worse under pressure. 828% 829Persons disagreeing with your facts are always emotional 830and employ faulty reasoning. 831% 832A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home. 833% 834Progress is made on alternate Fridays. 835% 836The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the 837time, the last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent. 838% 839If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. 840% 841Don't look back, something may be gaining on you. 842% 843All things being equal, all things are never equal. 844% 845Even paranoids have enemies. 846% 847Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place. 848% 849Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet 850reached their level of incompetence. 851% 852If at first you don't succeed, try something else. 853% 854If you're coasting, you're going downhill. 855% 856Never tell them what you wouldn't do. 857% 858The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely 859proportional to the subject's true value. 860% 861Indifference is the only sure defense. 862% 863Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 864% 865Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest. 866% 867If you want to get along, go along. 868% 869Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between. 870% 871The easiest way to find something lost around the house 872is to buy a replacement. 873% 874Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always 875point upward from the floor -- especially in the dark. 876% 877Make three correct guesses consectively and you will 878establish yourself as an expert. 879% 880It works better if you plug it in. 881% 882Quit while you're still behind. 883% 884If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time, 885you better wear work shoes. 886% 887It's always easier to go down hill, but the view is 888from the top. 889% 890Any line, however short, is still too long. 891% 892Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten. 893% 894If you can't measure output then you measure input. 895% 896Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of 897approximate, additional assumptions. 898% 899Never be first to do anything. 900% 901The chief cause of problems is solutions. 902% 903The only winner in the war of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. 904% 905A little ignorance can go a long way. 906% 907Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it. 908% 909Entropy has us outnumbered. 910% 911Everything put together sooner or later falls apart. 912% 913Do whatever your enemies don't want you to do. 914% 915A little ambiguity never hurt anyone. 916% 917Don't permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamppost. 918% 919Go where the money is. 920% 921Work may be the crabgrass of life, but money is still the 922water that keeps it green. 923% 924A stagnant science is at a standstill. 925% 926Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. 927% 928For every credibility gap there is a gullibility gap. 929% 930Can't produces countercan't. 931% 932If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent 933of doing you good, you should run for your life. 934% 935When you are sure you're right, you have a moral duty 936to impose your will upon anyone who disagrees with you. 937% 938If you can't convince them, confuse them. 939% 940Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups. 941% 942All general statements are false. (Think about it.) 943% 944If it happens, it must be possible. 945% 946Them what gets--has. 947% 948If you are already in a hole, there's no use to continue 949digging. 950% 951If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote 952programs, then the first woddpecker that came along would 953destroy civilization. 954% 955People will believe anything if you whisper it. 956% 957A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick 958in the pants. 959% 960Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold 961of something else. 962% 963A theory is better than its explanation. 964% 965Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing 966worse will happen to you the rest of the day. 967% 968Nobody notices when things go right. 969% 970There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else. 971% 972Roses are red violets are blue 973I am schizophrenic and so am I 974% 975If anything can go wrong, it will. 976% 977If anything can't go wrong it will. 978% 979If muprhy's law can go wrong, it will. 980% 981If a series of events can go wrong, it will do so in 982in the worst possible sequence. 983% 984After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle 985will repeat itself. 986% 987An auditor enters the battlefield after the war is over, 988and attacks the wounded. 989% 990Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse. 991% 992No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody 993who knew it would. 994% 995Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. 996% 997The hidden flaw never remains hidden. 998% 999(1) Everything depends. 1000(2) Nothing is always. 1001(3) Everything is sometimes. 1002% 1003If you wait, it will go away 1004... having done it's damage. 1005If it was bad, it'll be back. 1006% 1007Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand 1008wrong answers. 1009% 1010Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune 1011moment. 1012% 1013When you need to knock on wood is when you realize the 1014world's composed of aluminum and vinyl. 1015% 1016In order for something to become clean, something 1017else must become dirty. 1018... but you can get everything dirty without getting 1019anything clean. 1020% 1021Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other. 1022% 1023The first place to look for anything is the last place 1024you would expect to find it. 1025% 1026You can always find what you're not looking for. 1027% 1028If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost. 1029% 1030It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly 1031suprised. 1032% 1033A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the 1034whole thing". 1035% 1036Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. 1037% 1038When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. 1039% 1040The time it talkes to rectify a situation is 1041inversely proportional to the time it took 1042to do the damage. 1043% 1044An optimist believes we live in the best of all 1045possible worlds. 1046A pessimist fears this is true. 1047% 1048You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it 1049damnfoolproof. 1050% 1051It takes longer to glue a vase together than to 1052break one. 1053% 1054It takes longer to lose 'x' number of pounds than 1055to gain 'x' number of pounds. 1056% 1057The item you had your eye on the minute you walked in 1058will be taken by the person in front of you. 1059% 1060The other line moves faster. 1061% 1062If you change lines, the one you just left will start 1063to move faster than the one you are now in. 1064% 1065The longer you wait in line, the greater the 1066likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line. 1067% 1068The slowest checker is always at the quick-check-out 1069lane. 1070% 1071Whenever you cut your fingernails you will find a 1072need for them an hour later. 1073% 1074(1) If the weather is extremely bad, church 1075 attendance will be down. 1076(2) If the weather is extremely good, church 1077 attendance will be down. 1078(3) If the bulletin covers are in short supply 1079 church attendance will exceed all expectations. 1080% 1081If a situation requires undivided attention, it will 1082occur simultaneously with a compelling distraction. 1083% 1084The further away the disaster or accident occurs, the 1085greater the number of dead and injured required for it 1086to become a story. 1087% 1088The closer you are to the facts of a situation, the 1089more obvious are the errors in all news coverage of 1090the situation. 1091% 1092The further you are from the facts of a situation, 1093the more you tend to believe news coverage of the 1094situation. 1095% 1096The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal 1097the letter. 1098% 1099The most interesting specimen will not be labeled. 1100% 1101Some errors will always go unnoticed until the book 1102is in print. 1103% 1104The first page the author turns to upon receiving an 1105advance copy will be the page containing the worst 1106error. 1107% 1108(1) Never draw what you can copy. 1109(2) Never copy what you can trace. 1110(3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. 1111% 1112The best shots happen immediately after the last 1113frame is exposed. 1114% 1115The best shots are generally attempted through the 1116lens cap. 1117% 1118Any surviving best shots are ruined when someone 1119inadvertently open the darkroom door and all of the 1120dark leaks out. 1121% 1122If a three-story buiding served by one elevator, nine 1123times out of ten the elevator care will be on a floor 1124where you are not. 1125% 1126The tendency of smoke from a cigarette, barbeque, 1127campfire, etc. to drift into a person's face varies 1128directly with that person's sensitivity to smoke. 1129% 1130The distance to the gate is inversely proportional 1131to the time available to catch you flight. 1132% 1133As soon as the flight attendant serves the coffee, the 1134airliner encounters turbulence. 1135% 1136Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence. 1137% 1138Whatever carrousel you stand by, your baggage will 1139come in on another one. 1140% 1141When travelling overseas, the exchange rate improves 1142markedly the day after one has purchased foreign 1143currency. 1144% 1145Upon returning home, the exchange rate drops again as 1146soon as one has converted all unused foreign currency. 1147% 1148The bigger they are, the harder they hit. 1149% 1150For every action, there is an equal and opposite 1151criticism. 1152% 1153Authorization for a project will be granted only when 1154none of the authorizers can be blamed if the project 1155fails but when all of the authorizers can claim credit 1156if it succeeds. 1157% 1158If an idea can survive a bureacratic review and be 1159implemented, it wasn't worth doing. 1160% 1161The greater the cost of putting a plan into operation, 1162the less chance there is of abandoning the plan - even 1163if it subsequently becomes irrevelant. 1164% 1165The higher the level of prestige accorded the people 1166behind the plan, the least less chance there is of 1167abandoning it. 1168% 1169In any organization there will always be one person 1170who knows what is going on. 1171This person must be fired. 1172% 1173It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 1174% 1175Far-way talent always seems better than home-developed 1176talent. 1177% 1178Personnel recruiting is a triumph of hope over 1179experience. 1180% 1181Some people manage by the book, even though they 1182don't know who wrote the book or even what book. 1183% 1184Don't let your superiors know you're better than 1185they are. 1186% 1187You never know who's right, but you always know 1188who's in charge. 1189% 1190(1) Anyone can make a decision given enough facts. 1191(2) A good manager can make a decision without enough 1192 facts. 1193(3) A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance. 1194% 1195The boss who attempts to impress employees with his 1196knowledge of intricate details has lost sight of his 1197final objective. 1198% 1199You will save yourself a lot of needless worry if you 1200don't burn your bridges until you come to them. 1201% 1202In a hierarchical system, the rate of pay varies 1203inversely with the unpleasantness and difficulty 1204of the task. 1205% 1206The client who pays the least complains the most 1207% 1208A lack of planning on your part 1209does not constitute an emergency on my part. 1210% 1211I know you believe you understand 1212 what you think I said, 1213 however, I am not sure you realize, 1214 that what I think you heard 1215 is not what I meant 1216% 1217Real programmers don't eat muffins. 1218% 1219In any bureaucracy, paperwork increases as you spend 1220more and more time reporting on the less and less you 1221are doing. Stability is achieved when you spend all of 1222your time reporting on the nothing you are doing. 1223% 1224Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for 1225a number and then give it back to them. 1226% 1227When somebody drops something, everybody will kick it 1228around instead of picking it up. 1229% 1230The chances of anybody doing anything are inversely 1231proportional to the number of other people who are in 1232a position to do it instead. 1233% 1234Never make a decision you can get someone else to make. 1235% 1236No one keeps a record of decisions you could have made 1237but didn't. Everyone keeps a records of your bad ones. 1238% 1239For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision. 1240% 1241The inside contact that you have developed at great 1242expense is the first person to be let go in any 1243reorganization. 1244% 1245It's tough to get reallocated when you're the one 1246who's redundant. 1247% 1248Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 1249% 1250If you're early, it'll be cancelled. 1251If you knock yourself out to be on time, you will 1252 have to wait. 1253If you're late, you will be too late. 1254% 1255A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept 1256and the hours are lost. 1257% 1258If you leave the room, you're elected. 1259% 1260The cream rises to the top. 1261So does the scum. 1262% 1263You can never do just one thing. 1264% 1265There's no time like the present for postponing 1266what you don't want to do. 1267% 1268Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday. 1269% 1270The more complicated and grandiose the plan, the 1271greater the chance of failure. 1272% 1273Simple jobs always get put off because there will be 1274time to do them later. 1275% 1276Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. 1277% 1278A work project expands to fill the space available. 1279% 1280No matter how large the work space, if two projects 1281must be done at the same time they will require the 1282same part of the work space. 1283% 1284The one wrench or drill bit you need will be the one 1285missing from the tool chest. 1286% 1287Most projects require three hands. 1288% 1289Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts. 1290% 1291The more carefully you plan a project, the more 1292confusion there is when something goes wrong. 1293% 1294Murphy's rule for precision: 1295 Measure with a micrometer 1296 Mark with chalk 1297 Cut with an axe 1298% 1299You can't fix it if it ain't broke. 1300% 1301First rule of intelligent tinkering: 1302 Save all the parts 1303% 1304Access holes will be 1/2" too small. 1305Holes that are the right size will be in the wrong place. 1306% 1307If it would be cheaper to buy a new unit, the company 1308will insist upon repairing the old one. 1309% 1310If it would be cheaper to repair the old one, the 1311company will insist on the latest model. 1312% 1313The primary function of the design engineer is to make 1314things difficult for the fabricator and impossible 1315for the serviceman. 1316% 1317That component of any circuit which has the shortest 1318service life will be placed in the least 1319accessible location. 1320% 1321Any circuit design must contain at least one part which 1322is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three 1323parts which at still under development. 1324% 1325Important letters which contain no errors will develop 1326errors in the mail. 1327% 1328Office machines which function perfectly during normal 1329business hours will break down when you return to the 1330office at night to use them for personal business. 1331% 1332Machines that have broken down will work perfectly 1333when the repairman arrives. 1334% 1335Envelopes and stamps which don't stick when you lick 1336them will stick to other things when you don't want 1337them to. 1338% 1339Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by 1340spontaneously moving from where you left them to where 1341you can't find them. 1342% 1343The last person who quit or was fired will be held 1344responsible for everything that goes wrong -- until 1345the next person quits or is fired. 1346% 1347If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you 1348don't want his the paper. 1349% 1350The one time in the day that you lean back and relax 1351is the one time the boss walks through the office. 1352% 1353Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass. 1354% 1355When you do not know what you are going, do it neatly. 1356% 1357Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else. 1358% 1359Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. 1360% 1361(1) If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology. 1362(2) If it stinks, it's chemistry. 1363(3) If it doesn't work, it's physics. 1364% 1365Nothing improves an innovation like lack of controls. 1366% 1367The quality of correlation is inversely proportional 1368to the density of control. 1369% 1370If reproducibility may be a problem conduct the 1371test only once. 1372% 1373If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two 1374data points. 1375% 1376Any technical problem can be overcome given enough 1377time and money. 1378% 1379You are never given enough time or money. 1380% 1381Unless the results are known in advance, funding 1382agencies will reject the proposal. 1383% 1384It is better to solve a problem with a crude 1385approximation and know the truth, than to demand an 1386exact solution and not know the truth at all. 1387% 1388An easily-understood, workable falsehood is more useful 1389than a complex, incompreshensible truth. 1390% 1391Anyone who make a significant contribution to any field 1392of endeavor and stays in that field long enough, 1393becomes an obstruction to its progress -- in direct 1394proportion to the importance of his original contribution. 1395% 1396If a scientist uncovers a publishable fact, it will 1397become central to his theory. 1398 1399His theory, in turn, will become central to all 1400scientific truth. 1401% 1402There is no such thing as a straight line. 1403% 1404In any series of calculations, errors tend to occur 1405at the opposite end to the end at which you begin 1406checking for errors. 1407% 1408Only errors exist. 1409% 1410One man's error is another man's data. 1411% 1412To err is human, but to really foul things up requires 1413a computer. 1414% 1415When putting it into memory, remember where you put it. 1416% 1417Never test for an error condition you don't know 1418how to handle. 1419% 1420Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter, since 1421nobody listens. 1422% 1423People who love sausage and respect the law should 1424never watch either one being made. 1425% 1426No matter what they're telling you, they're not 1427telling you the whole truth. 1428% 1429No matter what they're talking about, they're 1430talking about money. 1431% 1432In any dealings with a collective body of people, the 1433people will always be more tacky than originally expected. 1434% 1435If you can keep your head when all about you are losing 1436theirs, then you just don't understand the problem. 1437% 1438Information deteriorates upward through the bureaucracies. 1439% 1440When an exaggerated emphasis is placed upon delegation, 1441responsibility, like sediment, sinks to the bottom. 1442% 1443When outrageous expenditures are divided finely enough 1444the public will not have enough stake in any one 1445expenditure to squelch it. 1446% 1447When the government bureau's remedies do not match your 1448problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. 1449% 1450A fool and your money are soon partners. 1451% 1452You may know where the market is going, but you can't 1453possibly know where it's going after that. 1454% 1455Among economists, the real world is often a special case. 1456% 1457Trial balances don't. 1458% 1459Working capital doesn't. 1460% 1461Liquidity tends to run out. 1462% 1463Return on investments won't. 1464% 1465If everybody doesn't want it, nobody gets it. 1466% 1467Mass man must be serviced by mass means. 1468% 1469Everything is contagious. 1470% 1471Nothing is ever done for the right reasons. 1472% 1473The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake 1474that you've got it made. 1475% 1476An expert is anyone from out of town. 1477% 1478An expert is one who knows more and more about less 1479and less until he knows absolutely everything 1480about nothing. 1481% 1482To spot the expert, pick the one who perdicts the job 1483will take the longest and cost the most. 1484% 1485If it sits on your desk for 15 minutes, you've just 1486become the expert. 1487% 1488Indecision is the basis for flexibility. 1489% 1490Anything is possible if you don't know what you're 1491talking about. 1492% 1493Never create a problem for which you do not have 1494the answer. 1495% 1496Create problems for which only you have the answer. 1497% 1498A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 1499% 1500Hindsight is an exact science. 1501% 1502History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely 1503repeat each other. 1504% 1505Fact is solidified opinion. 1506% 1507Facts may weaken under extreme heat and pressure. 1508% 1509Truth is elastic. 1510% 1511When in doubt, predict that the trend will continue. 1512% 1513When in trouble, obfuscate. 1514% 1515Progress does not consist in replacing a theory that is 1516wrong with one that is right. It consists in replacing 1517a theory that is wrong with one that is more sublty wrong. 1518% 1519It is a simple task to make things complex, but a complex 1520task to make them simple. 1521% 1522If you have a difficult task give it to a lazy man, he 1523will find an easier way to do it. 1524% 1525Every great idea has a disadvantage equal to or 1526exceeding the greatness of the idea. 1527% 1528Never attribute to malice that which is adequately 1529explained by stupidity. 1530% 1531New systems generate new problems. 1532% 1533Systems should not be unnecessarily multiplied. 1534% 1535Systems tend to grow and as they grow they encroach. 1536% 1537Complicated systems produce unexpected outcomes. 1538% 1539The total behavior of large systems cannot be predicted. 1540% 1541A large system, produced by expanding the dimensions of 1542a smaller system, does not behave like the smaller system. 1543% 1544People in systems do not do what the systems says 1545they are doing. 1546% 1547The system itself does not do what it says it is doing. 1548% 1549A complex system that works is invariably found to have 1550evolved from a simple system that works. 1551% 1552A complex system designed from scratch never works and 1553cannot be patched up to make it work. You have to start 1554over, beginning with a working simple system. 1555% 1556(1) Everything is a system. 1557(2) Everything is part of a larger system. 1558(3) The universe is infinitely systematized both upward 1559 (larger systems) and downward (smaller systems). 1560(4) All systems are infinitely complex. (The illuison 1561 of simplicity comes from focussing attention on 1562 one or a few variables). 1563% 1564Complex systems tend to oppose their own proper function. 1565% 1566If the course you wanted most has room for 'n' students 1567you will be the 'n + 1' to apply. 1568% 1569Class schedules are designed so that every student will 1570waste the maximum time between classes. 1571% 1572Show me a person who's never made a mistake and I'll 1573show you somebdoy who's never achieved much. 1574% 1575When you consider there are 24 hours in a day, it's 1576sad to know that only one is called the happy hour. 1577% 1578When you are able to schedule two classes in a row, 1579they will be held in classrooms at opposite end of 1580the campus. 1581% 1582A prerequisite for a desired course will be offered 1583only during the semester following the desired course. 1584% 1585When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most 1586important ones will be illegible. 1587% 1588The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure 1589you are as to which answer they want. 1590% 159180% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture 1592you missed about the one book you didn't read. 1593% 1594The night before the english history mid-term, your 1595biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. 1596% 1597Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else 1598to do except study for that instructor's course. 1599% 1600If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget 1601your book. 1602If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget 1603where you live. 1604% 1605At the end of the semester you will recall having 1606enrolled in a course at the beginning of the semester 1607-- and never attending. 1608% 1609The one course you must take to graduate will not be 1610offered during your last semester. 1611% 1612The more general the title of a course, the less 1613you will learn from it. 1614% 1615The more specific the title of a course, the less you 1616will be able to apply it later. 1617% 1618The most valuable quotation will be the one for which 1619you cannot determine the source. 1620% 1621The source for an unattributed quotation will appear 1622in the most hostile review of your work. 1623% 1624When a writer prepares a manuscript on a subject he does 1625not understand, his work will be understood only by 1626readers who know more about that subject than he does. 1627% 1628Writings prepared without understanding must fail in the 1629first ojbective of communication -- informing 1630the uninformed. 1631% 1632When a student asks for a second time if you have read 1633his book report, he did not read the book. 1634% 1635If daily class attendance is mandatory, a schedules 1636exam will product increased absenteeism. If attendance 1637is optional, a schedules exam will produce persons you 1638have never seen before. 1639% 1640Just because your doctor has a name for your condition 1641doesn't mean he knows what it is. 1642% 1643The more boring and out-of-date the magazines in the 1644waiting room, the longer you will have to wait for 1645your scheduled appointment. 1646% 1647Only adults have difficulty with child-proof bottles. 1648% 1649You never have the right number of pills left on the 1650last day of a prescription. 1651% 1652The pills to be taken with meals will be the least 1653appetizing ones. 1654% 1655Even water tastes bad when taken on doctors orders. 1656% 1657If your condition seems to be getting better, it's 1658probably your doctor getting sick. 1659% 1660Beware of the physician who is great at getting 1661out of trouble. 1662% 1663A drug is that substance which, when injected into a 1664rat, will produce a scientific report. 1665% 1666Before ordering a test decide what you will do if it is, 1667(1) positive, or 1668(2) negative. 1669If both answers are the same, don't do the test. 1670% 1671The radiologists' national flower is the hedge. 1672% 1673The feasibility of an operation is not the best 1674indiciation for its performance. 1675% 1676A physician's ability is inversely proportional 1677to his availability. 1678% 1679There are two kinds of adhesive tape: That which won't 1680stay on and that which won't come off. 1681% 1682Everbody wants a pain shot at the same time. 1683% 1684Everybody who didn't want a pain shot when you were 1685passing out pain shots wants one when you are passing 1686out sleeping pills. 1687% 1688An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his 1689own physician. 1690% 1691Fools rush in -- and get the best seats. 1692% 1693At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from 1694the aisle arrive last. 1695% 1696Exciting plays occur only while you are watching the 1697scoreboard or out buying a hot dog. 1698% 1699Nothing is ever so bad it can't be made worse by 1700firing the coach. 1701% 1702The wrong quarterback is the one that's in there. 1703% 1704A free agent is anything but. 1705% 1706Hockey is a game played by six good players and the 1707home team. 1708% 1709Whatever can go to New York, will. 1710% 1711Whenever a superstar is traded to your favorite team, 1712he fades. Whenever your team trades away a usless 1713no-name, he immediately rises to stardom. 1714% 1715Never leave hold of what you've got until you've 1716got hold of something else. 1717% 1718A mediocre player will sink to the level of his or 1719her opposition. 1720% 1721The only way to make up for being lost is to make 1722record time while you are lost. 1723% 1724The amount of wind will vary inversely with the number 1725and experience of the people you have on board. 1726% 1727No matter how strong the breeze when you leave the dock 1728once you have reached the furthest point from port 1729the wind will die. 1730% 1731The time available to go fishing shrinks as the fishing 1732season draws nearer. 1733% 1734The least experienced fisherman always catches the 1735biggest fish. 1736% 1737The more elaborate and costly the equipment, the greater 1738the chance of having to stop at the fish market 1739on the way home. 1740% 1741The worse your line is tangled, the better is the 1742fishing around you. 1743% 1744The mountain gets steeper as you get closer. 1745% 1746The mountain looks closer than it is. 1747% 1748All trails have more uphill sections that they have 1749level or downhill sections. 1750% 1751The one who least wants to play is the one who will win. 1752% 1753All things being equal, you lose. 1754 1755All things being in your favor, you still lose. 1756% 1757Win or lose, you lose. 1758% 1759No matter where you go, there you are! 1760% 1761It always takes longer to get there than to get back. 1762% 1763If everything is coming your way, you're in the 1764wrong lane. 1765% 1766If you allow someone to get in front of you either: 1767(1) The car in front will be the last one over a 1768 railroad crossing, and you will be stuck waiting 1769 for a long, slow-moving train; or 1770(2) you both will have the same destination and the 1771 other car will get the last parking space. 1772% 1773If you have to park six blocks away, you will find two 1774new parking spaces right in front of the building 1775entrance. 1776% 1777When you're not in a hurry, the traffic light will turn 1778green as soon as your vehicle comes to a complete stop. 1779% 1780A car and a truck approaching each other on an otherwise 1781deserted road will meet at the narrow bridge. 1782% 1783The speed of an oncoming vehicle is directly proportional 1784to the length of the passing zone. 1785% 1786The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly 1787in front of your eyes. 1788% 1789If you can get to the faulty part, you don't have the 1790tool to get it off. 1791% 1792If you can get the faulty part off, the parts house 1793will have it back-ordered. 1794% 1795If the faulty part is in stock, it didn't need replacing 1796in the first place. 1797% 1798When the need arises, any tool or object closest to you 1799becomes a hammer. 1800% 1801No matter how minor the task, you will inevitably end 1802up covered with grease and motor oil. 1803% 1804When necessary, metric and inch tools can be used 1805interchangeably. 1806% 1807Automotive engine reparing law: 1808If you drop something, it will never reach the ground. 1809% 1810If you lived here you'd be home now. 1811% 1812If it's good, they discontinue it. 1813% 1814It the shoe fits, it's ugly. 1815% 1816(1) If you like it, they don't have it in your size. 1817(2) If you like it and it's in your size, it doesn't 1818 fit anyway. 1819(4) If you like it and it fits, you can't afford it. 1820(5) If you like it, it fits and you can afford it, it 1821 falls apart the first time you wear it. 1822% 1823The one you want is never the one on sale. 1824% 1825Anything labeled "new" and/or "improved" isn't. 1826% 1827The label "new" and/or "improved" means the price went up. 1828% 1829The label "all new," "completely new" or "great news" 1830means the price went way way up. 1831% 1832If an item is advertised as "under $50," you can bet 1833it's not $19.95. 1834% 1835ACF2 is a four letter word. 1836% 1837If only one price can be obtained for any quotation, 1838the price will be unreasonable. 1839% 1840A 60-day warranty guarantees that the product will 1841self-destruct on the 61st day. 1842% 1843The "consumer report" on the item will come out a week 1844after you've made your purchase: 1845 1846(1) The one you bought will be rated "unacceptable". 1847(2) The one you almost bought will be rated "best buy". 1848% 1849If you don't write to complain, you'll never receive 1850your order. 1851If you do write, you'll receive the merchandise before 1852your angry letter reaches its destination. 1853% 1854The most important item in an order will no longer 1855be available. 1856% 1857During the time an item is on back-order, it will be 1858available cheaper and quicker from many other sources. 1859% 1860People will buy anthing that's one to a customer. 1861% 1862Security isn't. 1863% 1864Management can't. 1865% 1866Sale promotions don't. 1867% 1868Consumer assistance doesn't. 1869% 1870Workers won't. 1871% 1872Cleanliness is next to impossible. 1873% 1874Multiple-function gadgets will not perform any 1875function adequately. 1876% 1877The more expensive the gadget, the less often you 1878will use it. 1879% 1880The simpler the instruction, e.g. "press here", the 1881more difficult it will be to open the package. 1882% 1883In a family recipe you just discovered in an old book, 1884the most vital measurement will be illegible. 1885% 1886Once a dish is fouled up, anything added to save it 1887only makes it worse. 1888% 1889You are always complimented on the item which took the 1890least effort to prepare. 1891 1892Example: 1893 If you make "duck a l'orange" you will be 1894 complimented on the baked potato. 1895% 1896The one ingredient you made a special trip to the store 1897to get will be the one thing your guest is allergic to. 1898% 1899The more time and energy you put into preparing a meal 1900the greater the chance you guests will spend the entire 1901meal discussing other meals they have had. 1902% 1903Souffles rise and cream whips only for the family and 1904for guests you didn't really want to invite anyway. 1905% 1906The rotten egg will be the one you break into the 1907cake batter. 1908% 1909Any cooking utensil placed in the dishwasher will be 1910needed immediately thereafter for something else. 1911% 1912Any measuring utensil used for liquid ingredients will 1913be needed immediately thereafter for dry ingredients. 1914% 1915Time spent consuming a meal is in inverse proportion 1916to time spent preparing it. 1917% 1918Whatever it is, somebody will have had it for lunch. 1919% 1920If you're wondering if you took the meat out to 1921thaw, you didn't. 1922% 1923If you're wondering if you left the coffee pot 1924plugged in, you did. 1925% 1926If you're wondering if you need to stop and pick up 1927bread and eggs on the way home, you do. 1928% 1929If you're wondering if you have enough money to take 1930the family out to eat tonight, you don't. 1931% 1932The spot you are scrubbing on glassware is always on 1933the other side. 1934% 1935Washing machines only break down during the wash cycle. 1936% 1937All break downs occur on the plumber's day off. 1938% 1939Cost of repair can be determined by multiplying the 1940cost of your new coat by 1.75, or by multiplying the 1941cost of a new washer by .75. 1942% 1943There is always more dirty laundry then clean laundry. 1944% 1945If it's clean, it isn't laundry. 1946% 1947A child will not spill on a dirty floor. 1948% 1949An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 1950% 1951Any child who chatters non-stop at home will adamantly 1952refuse to utter a word when requested to demonstrate 1953for an audience. 1954% 1955A shy, introverted child will choose a crowded public 1956area to loudly demonstrate new acquired vocabulary. 1957% 1958The probablility of a cat eating its dinner has 1959absolutely nothing to do with the price of the food 1960placed before it. 1961% 1962The probability that a household pet will raise a fuss 1963to go in or out is directly proportional to the number 1964and importance of your dinner guests. 1965% 1966The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of 1967junk food available. 1968% 1969If you buy bananas or avocados before they are ripe, 1970there won't be any left by the time they are ripe. If 1971you buy them ripe, they rot before they are eaten. 1972% 1973How long a minute is depends on which side of the 1974bathroom door you're on. 1975% 1976The life expectancy of a house plant varies inversely 1977with its price and directly with its ugliness. 1978% 1979If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch 1980it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode. 1981% 1982If there are only two shows worth watching, they will 1983be on together. 1984% 1985The only new TV show worth watching will be cancelled. 1986% 1987The TV show you've been looking forward to all week 1988will be preempted. 1989% 1990Most people deserve each other. 1991% 1992Possessions increase to fill the space available for 1993their storage. 1994% 1995When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal 1996% 1997(1) The telephone will ring when you are outside the 1998 door, fumbling for your keys. 1999 2000(2) You will reach it just in time to hear the click 2001 of the caller hanging up. 2002% 2003People to whom you are attracted invariably thing you 2004remind them of someone else. 2005% 2006The one who snores will fall asleep first. 2007% 2008Never get excited about a blind date because of how 2009it sounds over the phone. 2010% 2011The love letter you finally got the courage to send 2012will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to 2013make a fool of yourself in person. 2014% 2015Other people's romantic gestures seem novel and exciting. 2016 2017Your own romantic gestures seem fooolish and clumsy. 2018% 2019The length of a marriage is inversely proportional 2020to the amount spent on the wedding. 2021% 2022The probablility of meeting someone you know increases 2023when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 2024% 2025If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember 2026you - the next time he's in need. 2027% 2028Virtue is its own punishment. 2029% 2030If you do something right once, someone will ask 2031you to do it again. 2032% 2033The one day you'd sell your soul for something, 2034souls are a glut. 2035% 2036The scratch on the record is always through the song 2037you like most. 2038% 2039Superiority is recessive. 2040% 2041Forgive and remember. 2042% 2043Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral 2044or fattening. 2045% 2046Anything good in life either causes cancer in 2047laboratory mice or is taxed beyond reality. 2048% 2049To err is human -- to blame it on someone else is 2050even more human. 2051% 2052Whatever happens to you, it will previously have 2053happened to everyone you know only more so. 2054% 2055He who laughs last -- probably didn't get the joke. 2056% 2057Don't worry over what other people are thinking about 2058you. They're too busy worrying over what you are 2059thinking about them. 2060% 2061In a bureaucratic hierarchy, the higher up the 2062organization the less people appreciate Murphy's law, 2063the Peter Principle, etc. 2064% 2065Law expands in proportion to the resources available 2066for its enforcement. 2067% 2068Bad law is more likely to be supplemented than repealed. 2069% 2070There are some things which are impossible to know - 2071but it is impossible to know these things. 2072% 2073When we try to pick out anything by itself we find 2074it hitched to everything else in the universe. 2075% 2076If one views his problem closely enough he will 2077recoginize himself as part of the problem. 2078% 2079Anything may be divided into as many parts as you please. 2080% 2081Everything may be divided into as many parts as you please. 2082% 2083If several things that could have gone wrong have not 2084gone wrong, it would have been ultimately beneficial 2085for them to have gone wrong. 2086% 2087The quickest way to experiment with acupuncture is to 2088try on a new shirt. 2089% 2090Absolutely nothing in the world is friendlier than 2091a wet dog. 2092% 2093The severity of an itch is inversely proportional 2094to the reach. 2095% 2096A hug is the perfect gift - one size fits all, and 2097nobody minds if you exchange it. 2098% 2099The only game that can't be fixed is peek-a-boo. 2100% 2101Ignorance should be painful. 2102% 2103The first insurance agent was David - 2104he gave Goliath a piece of the rock. 2105% 2106King Arthur ran the first knight club. 2107% 2108Magellan was the first strait man. 2109% 2110If you smile when everything goes wrong, you are 2111either a nitwit or a repariman. 2112% 2113If it weren't for the opinion polls we'd never know 2114what people are undecided about. 2115% 2116No news is ... impossible. 2117% 2118Laugh and the world laughs with you. cry and ... 2119you have to blow your nose. 2120% 2121A penny saved is ... not much. 2122% 2123He who marries for money ... better be nice to his wife. 2124% 2125It's always darkest before ... daylight saving time. 2126% 2127If at first you don't succeed ... get new batteries. 2128% 2129There is nothing more frightening than ignorance in action. 2130% 2131Life is like an ice-cream cone: You have to learn to 2132lick it. 2133% 2134One place where you're sure to find the perfect 2135driver is in the back seat. 2136% 2137Nothing is indestructible, with the possible exception 2138of discount-priced fruitcakes. 2139% 2140How do they know no two snowflakes are alike. 2141% 2142How did they measure hail before the golf ball was invented. 2143% 2144To err is human, to forgive is divine -- 2145but to forget it altogether is humane. 2146% 2147"Watching a birdie" in hand is safer that watching 2148one overhead. 2149% 2150The light at the end of the tunnel can be a helluva 2151nuisance, especially if your're using the tunnel 2152as a darkroom. 2153% 2154Never play leapfrog with a photo enlarger. 2155% 2156Never argue with an artist. 2157% 2158When in doubt, don't muble, overexpose ... then mumble. 2159% 2160The light at the end of the tunnel really is a train. 2161% 2162A budget is saving quarters in a mason jar for 2163Christmas and spending them by Easter. 2164% 2165A budget is spending $15.00 on gas to drive to a 2166shopping mall to save $4.30 on a 20 pound turkey. 2167% 2168A budget is wondering why you should balance yours 2169if the government can not balance theirs. 2170% 2171A budget is trying to figure out how the family next 2172door is doing it. 2173% 2174A budget is a plan that falls apart when the plumber 2175has to make an emergency visit. 2176% 2177A budget is trying to make $25.00 go as far today as 2178it did when you were first married. 2179% 2180A budget is buying a dress two sizes too small because 2181it was marked down. 2182% 2183You sure have to borrow a lot of money these days to 2184be an average consumer. 2185% 2186He who dies with the most toys wins. 2187% 2188A fool and his money soon go partying. 2189% 2190If his IQ was any lower he'd be a plant. 2191% 2192Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. 2193% 2194It is far better to do nothing that to do 2195something efficiently. 2196 -- Siezbo 2197% 2198The man who has no more problems is out of the game. 2199% 2200The race goes not always to the swift, nor the battle 2201to the strong, but that's the way to bet. 2202% 2203A fool and his money are invited places. 2204% 2205All things come to him whose name is on a mailing list. 2206% 2207The hand that rocks the craddle usually is attached 2208to someone who isn't getting enough sleep. 2209% 2210After winning an argument with his wife, 2211the wisest thing a man can do is apologize. 2212% 2213If opportunity came disguised as temptation, 2214one knock would be enough. 2215% 2216If there was any justice in this world, people would 2217occasionally be permitted to fly over pigeons. 2218% 2219Easy doesn't do it. 2220% 2221Most people want to be delivered from temptation but 2222would like it to keep in touch. 2223% 2224When a distinguised scientist states something is possible, 2225he is almost certainly right. When he states that 2226something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. 2227% 2228Everyone gets away with something. 2229No one gets away with everything. 2230% 2231Remain silent about your intentions until you are sure 2232% 2233Calm down .... it is only ones and zeros. 2234% 2235Real programmers don't write COBOL. 2236COBOL is for wimpy applications programmers. 2237% 2238I have not lost my mind, it is backed up on tape somewhere. 2239% 2240Real programmers do not document. 2241Documentation is for simps who can't read listings or 2242object code. 2243% 2244Real programmers don't write specs -- users should 2245consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and 2246take what they get. 2247% 2248Real programmers don't comment their code. if it is hard 2249to write, it should be hard to understand. 2250% 2251Real programmers don't write apllications programs; they 2252program right down on the bare metal. Application 2253programming is for feebs who can't do systems programming. 2254% 2255Real programmers don't eat quiche. In fact, real 2256programmers don't know how to spell quiche. They eat 2257twinkies and szechwan food. 2258% 2259Real programmer's programs never work the first time. But 2260if you throw them on the machine, they can be patched into 2261working in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions. 2262% 2263Real programmers don't write in Fortran. Fortran is for 2264pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. 2265% 2266Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real 2267programmers are around at 9 a.m., it's because they 2268were up all night. 2269% 2270Real programmers don't write in Basic. Actually, no 2271programmers write in basic after age 12. 2272% 2273Real programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for 2274programmers who can't decide whether to write in 2275COBOL or Fortran. 2276% 2277Real programmers don't play tennis or any other sport 2278that requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is 2279O.K., and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work 2280in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle 2281of the machine room. 2282% 2283Real programmers don't write in Pascal, Bliss, or Ada, or 2284any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong 2285typing is for people with weak memories. 2286% 2287On a clear disk, you can seek forever. 2288% 2289Hollerith got us into this hole mess! 2290% 2291No major project is ever installed on time, within budgets, 2292with the same staff that started it. Yours will not be the 2293first. 2294% 2295When things are going well, something will go wrong. 2296When things just can't get any worse, they will. 2297When things appear to be going better you have overlooked 2298something. 2299% 2300If project content is allowed to change freely, the rate of 2301change will exceed the rate of progress. 2302% 2303No system is ever completely debugged: Attempts to debug 2304a system will inevitably introduce new bugs that are even 2305harder to find. 2306% 2307A carelessly planned project will take three times 2308longer than expected; a carefully planned project will 2309take only twice as long. 2310% 2311After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said 2312than done 2313% 2314If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. 2315% 2316Never wrestle with a pig; you both get dirty, and the pig 2317likes it! 2318% 2319Never argue with an idiot: People watching may not be able 2320to tell the difference. 2321% 2322Don't fight with a bear in his own cage. 2323% 2324The six steps of program management are: 2325(1) Wild enthusiasm 2326(2) Disenchantment 2327(3) Total confusion 2328(4) Search for guilty 2329(5) Punishment for the innocent 2330(6) Promotion of the non-participants 2331% 2332He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from 2333the next freeway exit. 2334% 2335An expert doesn't know any more than you do. He or she is 2336merely better organized and uses slides. 2337% 2338Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have 2339to do it himself/herself. 2340% 2341You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to 2342float on his back, you've really got something. 2343% 2344You win some, lose some, and some get rained out; but you 2345gotta suit up for them all. 2346% 2347People are promoted not by what they can do, but what 2348people think they can do. 2349% 2350Don't smoke in bed - the ashes on the floor might be your 2351own. 2352