1%%$FreeBSD: src/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy,v 1.2.2.3 2001/09/30 22:45:25 kris Exp $ 2%%$DragonFly: src/games/fortune/datfiles/murphy,v 1.2 2003/06/17 04:25:24 dillon Exp $ 3When things are going well, someone will inevitably 4experiment detrimentally. 5% 6If not controlled, work will flow to the competent 7man until he submerges. 8% 9The deficiency will never show itself during the test runs. 10% 11The lagging activity in a project will invariably be found 12in the area where the highest overtime rates lie waiting. 13% 14It is impossible to build a fool proof system; 15because fools are so ingenious. 16% 17Talent in staff work or sales will continually be 18interpreted as managerial ability. 19% 20Information travels more surely to those with a 21lesser need to know. 22% 23The "think positive" leader tends to listen to his 24subordinate's premonitions only during the postmortems. 25% 26An original idea can never emerge from committee 27in its original form. 28% 29No good deed goes unpunished. 30% 31When the product is destined to fail, the delivery system 32will perform perfectly. 33% 34Clearly stated instructions will consistently produce 35multiple interpretations. 36% 37The crucial memorandum will be snared in the out-basket by 38the paper clip of the overlying memo and go to file. 39% 40On successive charts of the same organization, the number of 41boxes will never decrease. 42% 43It is ok to be ignorant in some areas, 44but some people abuse the privilege. 45% 46Everyone breaks more than the seven-year-bad-luck allotment 47to cover rotten luck throughout an entire lifetime. 48% 49Success can be insured only by devising a defense against 50failure of the contingency plan. 51% 52Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later. 53% 54Performance is directly affected by the perversity of 55inanimate objects. 56% 57Leakproof seals --- will. 58% 59Never offend people with style 60when you can offend them with substance. 61% 62Our customers' paperwork is profit. 63Our own paperwork is loss. 64% 65At any level of traffic, any delay is intolerable. 66% 67As the economy gets better, everything else gets worse. 68% 69This space for rent. 70% 71The more directives you issue to solve a problem, 72the worse it gets. 73% 74Cop-out number 1. 75You should have seen it when I got it. 76% 77When you're up to your ass in alligators, it is 78difficult to keep your mind on the fact that your primary 79objective was to drain the swamp. 80% 81The road to hell is paved with good intentions 82and littered with sloppy analyses! 83% 84Self starters --- won't. 85% 86If the assumptions are wrong, 87the conclusions aren't likely to be very good. 88% 89The organization of any program reflects the organization 90of the people who developed it. 91% 92There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", 93only a capitalist. 94% 95Anything is possible, but nothing is easy. 96% 97The meek will inherit the earth 98after the rest of us go to the stars. 99% 100Capitalism can exist in one of only two states: 101welfare or warfare. 102% 103History proves nothing. 104% 105A lot of what appears to be progress is just so much 106technological roccoco. 107% 108A little humility is arrogance. 109% 110Interchangeable parts --- won't. 111% 112Any time you wish to demonstrate something, the number of 113faults is proportional to the number of viewers. 114% 115All American cars are basically Chevrolets. 116% 117A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not 118take place. 119% 120No experiment is ever a complete failure. 121It can always be used as a bad example. 122% 123Despite the sign that says "wet paint", 124please don't. 125% 126Everything tastes more or less like chicken. 127% 128I finally got it all together... 129but I forgot where I put it. 130% 131If your next pot of chili tastes better, it probably is 132because of something left out, rather than added. 133% 134There is always one more bug. 135% 136The big guys always win. 137% 138Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. 139% 140Any sufficiently advanced technology is 141indistinguishable from magic. 142% 143It's always darkest just before the lights go out. 144% 145It is better to be part of the idle rich class 146than be part of the idle poor class. 147% 148Each problem solved introduces a new unsolved problem. 149% 150For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill. 151% 152If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough 153chances are someone else will do it for you. 154% 155Everybody's gotta be someplace. 156% 157Nature is a mother. 158% 159If you've got them by the balls, 160their hearts and minds will follow. 161% 162People will accept your idea much more readily if you tell 163them Benjamin Franklin said it first. 164% 165If at first you don't succeed, transform your dataset. 166% 167Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 168% 169Any given program costs more and takes longer. 170% 171If a program is useful, it will be changed. 172% 173If a program is useless, it will be documented. 174% 175Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. 176% 177The value of a program is proportional 178to the weight of its output. 179% 180Don't mess with Mrs. Murphy! 181% 182Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability 183of the programmer who must maintain it. 184% 185Make it possible for programmers to write programs 186in English and you will find that programmers cannot 187write in English. 188% 189When more and more people are thrown out of work, 190unemployment results. 191% 192If you can't measure it, I'm not interested. 193% 194The best way to lie is to tell the truth..... 195carefully edited truth. 196% 197There are three ways to get things done: 198 (1) Do it yourself, 199 (2) Hire someone to do it, or 200 (3) Forbid your kids to do it. 201% 202I think ... therefore I am confused. 203% 204A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. 205% 206History repeats itself. 207that's one of the things wrong with history. 208% 20990% of everything is crud. 210% 211Nature will tell you a direct lie if she can. 212% 213Those with the best advice offer no advice. 214% 215Speak softly and own a big, mean doberman. 216% 217Democracy is that form of government where 218everybody gets what the majority deserves. 219% 220If you're worried about being crazy, 221don't be overly concerned: 222If you were, you would think you were sane. 223% 224Pills to be taken in twos always come 225out of the bottle in threes. 226% 227Flynn is dead 228Tron is dead 229long live the MCP. 230% 231Why worry about tomorrow? We may not make it through today! 232% 233Real programmers don't number paragraph names 234consecutively. 235% 236If you're feeling good, don't worry, 237you'll get over it. 238% 239Real programmers don't grumble about the disadvantages 240of Cobol when they don't know any other language. 241% 242Definition of an elephant: 243A mouse built to government specifications. 244% 245Real programmers are kind to rookies. 246% 247Real programmers don't notch their desks for each 248completed service request. 249% 250You don't have to be crazy to work here 251but it sure helps!!!!!!! 252% 253Real programmers don't announce how many times the 254operations department called them last night. 255% 256A day without sunshine .... 257is like ... night! 258% 259Real programmers are secure enough to write readable code, 260which they then self-righteously refuse to explain. 261% 262Real programmers don't play video games, they write them. 263% 264Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong. 265% 266Real programmers understand Pascal. 267% 268Real programmers know it's not operations' 269fault if their jobs go into "hogs". 270% 271Real programmers do not eat breakfast from the 272vending machines. 273% 274Real programmers punch up their own programs. 275% 276When life hands you a lemon, make lemonade. 277% 278Real programmers have read the standards manual 279but won't admit it. 280% 281Real programmers don't advertise their hangovers. 282% 283Real programmers don't dress for success unless 284they are trying to convince others that they are 285going on interviews. 286% 287Real programmers do not practice four-syllable words before 288walkthroughs. 289% 290All warranties expire upon payment of invoice. 291% 292Real programmers argue with the systems analyst as a 293matter of principle. 294% 295The final test is when it goes production ... 296w h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t i o n ... 297w h e n i t g o e s p r o d u c t 298w h e n i t g o e s p r o 299% 300Real programmers drink too much coffee so that they will 301always seem tense and overworked. 302% 303Real programmers always have a better idea. 304% 305Anyone who follows a crowd will 306never be followed by a crowd. 307% 308Real programmers can do octal, hexadecimal and 309binary math in their heads. 310% 311Real programmers don't write memos. 312% 313Real programmers know what saad means. 314% 315Real programmers do not utter profanities at an elevated 316decibel level. 317% 318Where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit. 319% 320Real programmers do not apply DP terminology to non-DP 321situations. 322% 323I no longer get lost in the shuffle.... 324I shuffle along with the lost. 325% 326Real programmers do not read books like 327"effective listening" and "communication skills". 328% 329Real programmers print only clean compiles, 330fixing all errors through the terminal. 331% 332The early worm deserves the bird. 333% 334Lead, follow, or get the hell out of the way!! 335% 336All good things must come to an end. 337I want to know when they start! 338% 339A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell 340in such a way that you look forward to the trip. 341% 342Blessed are those who go around in circles, 343for they shall be known as wheels. 344% 345Never eat prunes when you are famished. 346% 347Keep emotionally active, 348cater to your favorite neurosis. 349% 350A RACF protected dataset is inaccessible. 351% 352RACF is a four letter word. 353% 354You may be recognized soon. 355Hide! 356If they find you, lie. 357% 358You can pray hard enough to make water run uphill 359how hard? 360Hard enough to make water run uphill. 361% 362Avoid reality at all costs. 363% 364Program design philosophy: 365 366 Start at the beginning and continue until the end, 367 then stop. 368 -- Lewis Carroll 369% 370A closed mouth gathers no foot. 371% 372Only a mediocre person is always at their best. 373% 374Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. 375% 376In a hierarchical organization, the higher the level, 377the greater the confusion. 378% 379The first time is for love. 380The next time is $200. 381% 382Of two possible events, 383only the undesired one will occur. 384% 385The faster the plane, 386the narrower the seats. 387% 388If you have to ask, you are not entitled to know. 389% 390If on an actuarial basis there is a 50/50 chance that 391something will go wrong, 392It will actually go wrong nine times out of ten. 393% 394A man of quality does not fear a woman seeking equality. 395% 396The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to 397save all of the parts. 398% 3991) Things will get worse before they get better. 4002) Who said things would get better? 401% 402If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it. 403% 404There is a solution to every problem; 405the only difficulty is finding it. 406% 407Don't make your doctor your heir. 408% 409Don't ask the barber if you need a haircut. 410% 411If there isn't a law, there will be. 412% 413If you don't like the answer, 414you shouldn't have asked the question. 415% 416Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. 417% 418You can't expect to hit the jackpot 419if you don't put a few nickels in the machine. 420% 421Unless you intend to kill him immediately; never kick a man 422in the balls, not even symbolically or perhaps especially 423not symbolically. 424% 425Freud's 23rd law: ideas endure and prosper in inverse 426proportion to their soundness and validity. 427% 428A short cut is the longest distance between two points. 429% 430If you want to make an enemy, do someone a favor. 431% 432If you know, you can't say. 433% 434The meek shall inherit the earth, 435but not its mineral rights. 436% 4371) You can't win 4382) You can't break even 4393) You can't even quit the game 440% 441When eating an elephant take one bite at a time. 442% 443Common sense is not so common. 444% 445If we learn by our mistakes, 446I'm getting one hell of an education!! 447% 448Fuzzy project objectives are used to avoid the 449embarrassment of estimating the corresponding costs. 450% 451Usefulness is inversely proportional to its reputation 452for being useful. 453% 454You will always find something in the last place you look. 455% 456The probability of anything happening is in 457inverse ratio to its desirability. 458% 459The first myth of management is that it exists 460the second myth of management is that success equals skill. 461% 462If it's good they will stop making it. 463% 464Inside every large program 465is a small program struggling to get out. 466% 467A memorandum is written not to inform the reader 468but to protect the writer. 469% 470Never insult an alligator 471until after you have crossed the river. 472% 473Anything hit with a big enough hammer will fall apart. 474% 475When your opponent is down, kick him. 476% 477The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of 478someone he can blame it on. 479% 480The chance of a piece of bread falling with the buttered 481side down is directly proportional to the cost of the 482carpet. 483% 484In the fight between you and the world, back the world. 485% 486Last guys don't finish nice. 487% 488Never admit anything. 489Never regret anything 490whatever it is, you're not responsible. 491% 492If you have always done it that way, it is probably wrong. 493% 494When working toward the solution of a problem, 495it always helps if you know the answer. 496Provided of course you know there is a problem. 497% 498The usefulness of any meeting 499is in inverse proportion to the attendance. 500% 501The sun goes down just when you need it the most. 502% 503Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary 504drivel off the TV screen. 505% 506Whatever creates the greatest inconvenience for the largest 507number must happen. 508% 509No matter how long or hard you shop for an item, after 510you have bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper. 511% 512Sanity and insanity overlap a fine gray line. 513% 514A disagreeable task is its own reward. 515% 516If things were left to chance, they'd be better. 517% 518The phone will not ring until you leave your desk and walk 519to the other end of the building. 520% 521Anybody can win - unless there happens to be a second entry. 522% 523A president of a democracy is a man who is always ready, 524willing, and able to lay down your life for his country. 525% 526If a thing is done wrong ofter enough 527it becomes right. 528% 529People will buy anything that is one to a customer. 530% 531If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always 532manage to boot yourself in the posterior. 533% 534No one's life, liberty, or property are safe 535while the legislature is in session. 536% 537Never say "oops" after you have submitted a job. 538% 539Bad news drives good news out of the media. 540% 541Just when you get really good at something, 542you don't need to do it anymore. 543% 544If facts do not conform to the theory, 545they must be disposed of. 546% 547Almost anything is easier to get into than out of. 548% 549When properly administered, vacations do not diminish 550productivity. For every week you are away and get nothing 551done, there is another week when your boss is away and you 552get twice as much done. 553% 554No matter what happens, there is always somebody 555who knew that it would. 556% 557The other line always moves faster. 558% 559Never eat at a place called moms, never play cards with a 560man named doc, and never lie down with a woman who has 561got more troubles than you. 562% 563To get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it. 564% 565When all else fails, read the instructions. 566% 567Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost more than 568you thought. 569% 570"Close" only counts in horseshoes, handgrenades and 571thermonuclear devices. 572% 573The lion and the calf shall lie down together, 574but the calf won't get much sleep. 575% 576If you fool around with a thing for very long you will 577screw it up. 578% 579It is better for civilization to be going down the drain, 580than to be coming up it. 581% 582A $300.00 picture tube will protect a 10c fuse by blowing 583first. 584% 585Justice always prevails... 586three times out of seven. 587% 588If it jams --- force it. If it breaks, 589it needed replacing anyway. 590% 591I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, 592when you looked at it in the right way, did not become 593still more complicated. 594 -- Poul Anderson 595% 596Any tool dropped while repairing a car will roll underneath 597to the exact center. 598% 599No matter which direction you start, 600it's always against the wind coming back. 601% 602The repairman will never have seen a model quite like 603yours before. 604% 605Don't force it, 606get a bigger hammer. 607% 608When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, 609it will work perfectly. 610% 611Pity the poor egg; 612It only gets laid once in its life. 613% 614An optimist is a person who looks forward to marriage. 615A pessimist is a married optimist! 616% 617A pessimist is an optimist with experience. 618% 619Old programmers never die - they just abend. 620% 621The success of any venture will be helped by prayer, 622even in the wrong denomination. 623% 624Just about the time when you think you can make ends meet 625somebody moves the ends! 626% 627Just because you are paranoid 628doesn't mean "they" aren't out to get you. 629% 630An Irishman is not drunk as long as 631he can hang onto a single blade of grass 632and not fall off the face of the earth. 633% 634If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong 635equipment. 636% 637Some come to the fountain of knowledge to drink, 638some prefer to just gargle. 639% 640Everything is revealed to he who turns over enough stones. 641(Including the snakes that he did not want to find.) 642% 643Everybody should believe in something; 644I believe I'll have another drink. 645% 646Those whose approval you seek the most give you the least. 647% 648Build a system that even a fool can use, 649and only a fool will use it. 650% 651Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work. 652% 653It's always the wrong time of the month. 654% 655In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level 656of incompetence, and then remains there. 657% 658It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick 659up something from the floor while you get up. 660% 661You will remember that you forgot to take out the trash 662when the garbage truck is two doors away. 663% 664Misery no longer loves company 665nowdays it insists on it. 666% 667The race is not always to the swift nor the battle to the 668strong, but that's the way to bet. 669% 670Some of it plus the rest of it is all of it. 671% 672There's never time to do it right, but there's always 673time to do it over. 674% 675On a beautiful day like this it's hard to believe anyone 676can be unhappy -- but we will work on it. 677% 678When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate. 679% 680The more ridiculous a belief system, 681the higher probability of its success. 682% 683Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or 684fattening. 685% 686Old age is always fifteen years older than I am. 687% 688It is morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. 689% 690A bird in hand is safer than one overhead. 691% 692The ratio of time involved in work to time available for 693work is usually about 0.6 694% 695Remember the golden rule: 696Those that have the gold make the rules. 697% 698Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and 699knows it for he shall enjoy living. 700% 701Everything east of the San Andreas fault will evenutally 702plunge into the Atlantic ocean. 703% 704I finally got it all together ... 705but I forgot where I put it. 706% 707Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. 708% 709Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, 710for he shall not be disappointed. 711% 712The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of 713an oncoming train. 714% 715Celibacy is not hereditary. 716% 717You can observe a lot just by watching. 718% 719If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, 720you will borrow it and 721you will break it. 722% 723Live within your income, 724even if you have to borrow to do so. 725% 726Beauty is only skin deep, ugly goes clear to the bone. 727% 728Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 729% 730To know yourself is the ultimate form of aggression. 731% 732An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. 733% 734Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. 735% 736A bird in the hand is dead. 737% 738A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. 739% 740Never put all your eggs in your pocket. 741% 742If everything seems to be going well, 743you obviously don't know what the hell is going on. 744% 745If at first you don't succeed, 746blame it on your supervisor. 747% 748If more than one person is responsible for a 749miscalculation, no one will be at fault. 750% 751Don't bite the hand that has your pay check in it. 752% 753In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. 754% 755When in doubt, mumble. 756When in trouble, delegate. 757When in charge, ponder. 758% 759Please don't steal, the IRS hates competition! 760% 761Never argue with a fool, 762people might not know the difference. 763% 764You can't guard against the arbitrary. 765% 766People can be divided into three groups: 767Those who make things happen, 768Those who watch things happen and 769Those who wonder what happened. 770% 771I no longer get lost in the shuffle, 772I shuffle along with the lost. 773% 774The one thing that money can not buy is poverty. 775% 776You are not drunk if you can lay on the floor without 777holding on. 778% 779In any household, junk accumulates to the the space 780available for its storage. 781% 782Don't stop to stomp on ants 783when the elephants are stampeding. 784% 785The longer the title the less important the job. 786% 787Any improbable event which would create maximum confusion 788if it did occur, will occur. 789% 790When you are right be logical, 791when you are wrong be-fuddle. 792% 793For every human problem, there is a neat, plain solution -- 794and it is always wrong. 795% 796There are no winners in life: Only survivors. 797% 798When they want it bad (in a rush), they get it bad. 799% 800The yoo-hoo you yoo-hoo into the forest is the yoo-hoo you 801get back. 802% 803You can't tell how deep a puddle is until you step into it. 804% 805The idea is to die young as late as possible. 806% 807No man is lonely while eating spaghetti. 808% 809It's better to retire too soon than too late. 810% 811A man should be greater than some of his parts. 812% 813If you don't say it, they can't repeat it. 814% 815Nothing is ever as simple as it seems. 816% 817Everything takes longer than you expect. 818% 819Left to themselves, all things go from bad to worse. 820% 821If you see that there are four possible ways in which a 822procedure can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a 823fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop. 824% 825Things get worse under pressure. 826% 827Persons disagreeing with your facts are always emotional 828and employ faulty reasoning. 829% 830A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home. 831% 832Progress is made on alternate Fridays. 833% 834The first 90 percent of the task takes 90 percent of the 835time, the last 10 percent takes the other 90 percent. 836% 837If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. 838% 839Don't look back, something may be gaining on you. 840% 841All things being equal, all things are never equal. 842% 843Even paranoids have enemies. 844% 845Incompetence knows no barriers of time or place. 846% 847Work is accomplished by those employees who have not yet 848reached their level of incompetence. 849% 850If at first you don't succeed, try something else. 851% 852If you're coasting, you're going downhill. 853% 854Never tell them what you wouldn't do. 855% 856The amount of flak received on any subject is inversely 857proportional to the subject's true value. 858% 859Indifference is the only sure defense. 860% 861Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 862% 863Never needlessly disturb a thing at rest. 864% 865If you want to get along, go along. 866% 867Everything happens at the same time with nothing in between. 868% 869The easiest way to find something lost around the house 870is to buy a replacement. 871% 872Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they always 873point upward from the floor -- especially in the dark. 874% 875Make three correct guesses consectively and you will 876establish yourself as an expert. 877% 878It works better if you plug it in. 879% 880Quit while you're still behind. 881% 882If you plan to leave your mark in the sands of time, 883you better wear work shoes. 884% 885It's always easier to go down hill, but the view is 886from the top. 887% 888Any line, however short, is still too long. 889% 890Laziness is the mother of nine inventions out of ten. 891% 892If you can't measure output then you measure input. 893% 894Any theory can be made to fit any facts by means of 895approximate, additional assumptions. 896% 897Never be first to do anything. 898% 899The chief cause of problems is solutions. 900% 901The only winner in the war of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. 902% 903A little ignorance can go a long way. 904% 905Learn to be sincere. Even if you have to fake it. 906% 907Entropy has us outnumbered. 908% 909Everything put together sooner or later falls apart. 910% 911Do whatever your enemies don't want you to do. 912% 913A little ambiguity never hurt anyone. 914% 915Don't permit yourself to get between a dog and a lamppost. 916% 917Go where the money is. 918% 919Work may be the crabgrass of life, but money is still the 920water that keeps it green. 921% 922A stagnant science is at a standstill. 923% 924Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. 925% 926For every credibility gap there is a gullibility gap. 927% 928Can't produces countercan't. 929% 930If you see a man approaching you with the obvious intent 931of doing you good, you should run for your life. 932% 933When you are sure you're right, you have a moral duty 934to impose your will upon anyone who disagrees with you. 935% 936If you can't convince them, confuse them. 937% 938Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups. 939% 940All general statements are false. (Think about it.) 941% 942If it happens, it must be possible. 943% 944Them what gets--has. 945% 946If you are already in a hole, there's no use to continue 947digging. 948% 949If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote 950programs, then the first woddpecker that came along would 951destroy civilization. 952% 953People will believe anything if you whisper it. 954% 955A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick 956in the pants. 957% 958Never leave hold of what you've got until you've got hold 959of something else. 960% 961A theory is better than its explanation. 962% 963Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing 964worse will happen to you the rest of the day. 965% 966Nobody notices when things go right. 967% 968There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else. 969% 970Roses are red violets are blue 971I am schizophrenic and so am I 972% 973If anything can go wrong, it will. 974% 975If anything can't go wrong it will. 976% 977If muprhy's law can go wrong, it will. 978% 979If a series of events can go wrong, it will do so in 980in the worst possible sequence. 981% 982After things have gone from bad to worse, the cycle 983will repeat itself. 984% 985An auditor enters the battlefield after the war is over, 986and attacks the wounded. 987% 988Nothing is ever so bad that it can't get worse. 989% 990No matter what goes wrong, there is always somebody 991who knew it would. 992% 993Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. 994% 995The hidden flaw never remains hidden. 996% 997(1) Everything depends. 998(2) Nothing is always. 999(3) Everything is sometimes. 1000% 1001If you wait, it will go away 1002... having done it's damage. 1003If it was bad, it'll be back. 1004% 1005Complex problems have simple, easy-to-understand 1006wrong answers. 1007% 1008Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune 1009moment. 1010% 1011When you need to knock on wood is when you realize the 1012world's composed of aluminum and vinyl. 1013% 1014In order for something to become clean, something 1015else must become dirty. 1016... but you can get everything dirty without getting 1017anything clean. 1018% 1019The first place to look for anything is the last place 1020you would expect to find it. 1021% 1022You can always find what you're not looking for. 1023% 1024If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost. 1025% 1026It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly 1027suprised. 1028% 1029A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the 1030whole thing". 1031% 1032Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. 1033% 1034The time it talkes to rectify a situation is 1035inversely proportional to the time it took 1036to do the damage. 1037% 1038An optimist believes we live in the best of all 1039possible worlds. 1040A pessimist fears this is true. 1041% 1042You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it 1043damnfoolproof. 1044% 1045It takes longer to glue a vase together than to 1046break one. 1047% 1048It takes longer to lose 'x' number of pounds than 1049to gain 'x' number of pounds. 1050% 1051The item you had your eye on the minute you walked in 1052will be taken by the person in front of you. 1053% 1054The other line moves faster. 1055% 1056If you change lines, the one you just left will start 1057to move faster than the one you are now in. 1058% 1059The longer you wait in line, the greater the 1060likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line. 1061% 1062The slowest checker is always at the quick-check-out 1063lane. 1064% 1065Whenever you cut your fingernails you will find a 1066need for them an hour later. 1067% 1068(1) If the weather is extremely bad, church 1069 attendance will be down. 1070(2) If the weather is extremely good, church 1071 attendance will be down. 1072(3) If the bulletin covers are in short supply 1073 church attendance will exceed all expectations. 1074% 1075If a situation requires undivided attention, it will 1076occur simultaneously with a compelling distraction. 1077% 1078The further away the disaster or accident occurs, the 1079greater the number of dead and injured required for it 1080to become a story. 1081% 1082The closer you are to the facts of a situation, the 1083more obvious are the errors in all news coverage of 1084the situation. 1085% 1086The further you are from the facts of a situation, 1087the more you tend to believe news coverage of the 1088situation. 1089% 1090The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal 1091the letter. 1092% 1093The most interesting specimen will not be labeled. 1094% 1095Some errors will always go unnoticed until the book 1096is in print. 1097% 1098The first page the author turns to upon receiving an 1099advance copy will be the page containing the worst 1100error. 1101% 1102(1) Never draw what you can copy. 1103(2) Never copy what you can trace. 1104(3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. 1105% 1106The best shots happen immediately after the last 1107frame is exposed. 1108% 1109The best shots are generally attempted through the 1110lens cap. 1111% 1112Any surviving best shots are ruined when someone 1113inadvertently open the darkroom door and all of the 1114dark leaks out. 1115% 1116If a three-story buiding served by one elevator, nine 1117times out of ten the elevator care will be on a floor 1118where you are not. 1119% 1120The tendency of smoke from a cigarette, barbeque, 1121campfire, etc. to drift into a person's face varies 1122directly with that person's sensitivity to smoke. 1123% 1124The distance to the gate is inversely proportional 1125to the time available to catch you flight. 1126% 1127As soon as the flight attendant serves the coffee, the 1128airliner encounters turbulence. 1129% 1130Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence. 1131% 1132Whatever carrousel you stand by, your baggage will 1133come in on another one. 1134% 1135When travelling overseas, the exchange rate improves 1136markedly the day after one has purchased foreign 1137currency. 1138% 1139Upon returning home, the exchange rate drops again as 1140soon as one has converted all unused foreign currency. 1141% 1142The bigger they are, the harder they hit. 1143% 1144For every action, there is an equal and opposite 1145criticism. 1146% 1147Authorization for a project will be granted only when 1148none of the authorizers can be blamed if the project 1149fails but when all of the authorizers can claim credit 1150if it succeeds. 1151% 1152If an idea can survive a bureacratic review and be 1153implemented, it wasn't worth doing. 1154% 1155The greater the cost of putting a plan into operation, 1156the less chance there is of abandoning the plan - even 1157if it subsequently becomes irrevelant. 1158% 1159The higher the level of prestige accorded the people 1160behind the plan, the least less chance there is of 1161abandoning it. 1162% 1163In any organization there will always be one person 1164who knows what is going on. 1165This person must be fired. 1166% 1167Far-way talent always seems better than home-developed 1168talent. 1169% 1170Personnel recruiting is a triumph of hope over 1171experience. 1172% 1173Some people manage by the book, even though they 1174don't know who wrote the book or even what book. 1175% 1176Don't let your superiors know you're better than 1177they are. 1178% 1179You never know who's right, but you always know 1180who's in charge. 1181% 1182(1) Anyone can make a decision given enough facts. 1183(2) A good manager can make a decision without enough 1184 facts. 1185(3) A perfect manager can operate in perfect ignorance. 1186% 1187The boss who attempts to impress employees with his 1188knowledge of intricate details has lost sight of his 1189final objective. 1190% 1191You will save yourself a lot of needless worry if you 1192don't burn your bridges until you come to them. 1193% 1194In a hierarchical system, the rate of pay varies 1195inversely with the unpleasantness and difficulty 1196of the task. 1197% 1198The client who pays the least complains the most 1199% 1200A lack of planning on your part 1201does not constitute an emergency on my part. 1202% 1203I know you believe you understand 1204 what you think I said, 1205 however, I am not sure you realize, 1206 that what I think you heard 1207 is not what I meant 1208% 1209Real programmers don't eat muffins. 1210% 1211In any bureaucracy, paperwork increases as you spend 1212more and more time reporting on the less and less you 1213are doing. Stability is achieved when you spend all of 1214your time reporting on the nothing you are doing. 1215% 1216Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for 1217a number and then give it back to them. 1218% 1219When somebody drops something, everybody will kick it 1220around instead of picking it up. 1221% 1222The chances of anybody doing anything are inversely 1223proportional to the number of other people who are in 1224a position to do it instead. 1225% 1226Never make a decision you can get someone else to make. 1227% 1228No one keeps a record of decisions you could have made 1229but didn't. Everyone keeps a records of your bad ones. 1230% 1231For every vision, there is an equal and opposite revision. 1232% 1233The inside contact that you have developed at great 1234expense is the first person to be let go in any 1235reorganization. 1236% 1237It's tough to get reallocated when you're the one 1238who's redundant. 1239% 1240Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 1241% 1242If you're early, it'll be cancelled. 1243If you knock yourself out to be on time, you will 1244 have to wait. 1245If you're late, you will be too late. 1246% 1247A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept 1248and the hours are lost. 1249% 1250If you leave the room, you're elected. 1251% 1252The cream rises to the top. 1253So does the scum. 1254% 1255There's no time like the present for postponing 1256what you don't want to do. 1257% 1258Any task worth doing was worth doing yesterday. 1259% 1260The more complicated and grandiose the plan, the 1261greater the chance of failure. 1262% 1263Simple jobs always get put off because there will be 1264time to do them later. 1265% 1266Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. 1267% 1268A work project expands to fill the space available. 1269% 1270No matter how large the work space, if two projects 1271must be done at the same time they will require the 1272same part of the work space. 1273% 1274The one wrench or drill bit you need will be the one 1275missing from the tool chest. 1276% 1277Most projects require three hands. 1278% 1279Leftover nuts never match leftover bolts. 1280% 1281The more carefully you plan a project, the more 1282confusion there is when something goes wrong. 1283% 1284Murphy's rule for precision: 1285 Measure with a micrometer 1286 Mark with chalk 1287 Cut with an axe 1288% 1289You can't fix it if it ain't broke. 1290% 1291First rule of intelligent tinkering: 1292 Save all the parts 1293% 1294Access holes will be 1/2" too small. 1295Holes that are the right size will be in the wrong place. 1296% 1297If it would be cheaper to buy a new unit, the company 1298will insist upon repairing the old one. 1299% 1300If it would be cheaper to repair the old one, the 1301company will insist on the latest model. 1302% 1303The primary function of the design engineer is to make 1304things difficult for the fabricator and impossible 1305for the serviceman. 1306% 1307That component of any circuit which has the shortest 1308service life will be placed in the least 1309accessible location. 1310% 1311Any circuit design must contain at least one part which 1312is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three 1313parts which at still under development. 1314% 1315Important letters which contain no errors will develop 1316errors in the mail. 1317% 1318Office machines which function perfectly during normal 1319business hours will break down when you return to the 1320office at night to use them for personal business. 1321% 1322Machines that have broken down will work perfectly 1323when the repairman arrives. 1324% 1325Envelopes and stamps which don't stick when you lick 1326them will stick to other things when you don't want 1327them to. 1328% 1329Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by 1330spontaneously moving from where you left them to where 1331you can't find them. 1332% 1333The last person who quit or was fired will be held 1334responsible for everything that goes wrong -- until 1335the next person quits or is fired. 1336% 1337If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you 1338don't want his the paper. 1339% 1340The one time in the day that you lean back and relax 1341is the one time the boss walks through the office. 1342% 1343Hot glass looks exactly the same as cold glass. 1344% 1345When you do not know what you are going, do it neatly. 1346% 1347Teamwork is essential. It allows you to blame someone else. 1348% 1349Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. 1350% 1351(1) If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology. 1352(2) If it stinks, it's chemistry. 1353(3) If it doesn't work, it's physics. 1354% 1355Nothing improves an innovation like lack of controls. 1356% 1357The quality of correlation is inversely proportional 1358to the density of control. 1359% 1360If reproducibility may be a problem conduct the 1361test only once. 1362% 1363If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two 1364data points. 1365% 1366Any technical problem can be overcome given enough 1367time and money. 1368% 1369You are never given enough time or money. 1370% 1371Unless the results are known in advance, funding 1372agencies will reject the proposal. 1373% 1374It is better to solve a problem with a crude 1375approximation and know the truth, than to demand an 1376exact solution and not know the truth at all. 1377% 1378An easily-understood, workable falsehood is more useful 1379than a complex, incompreshensible truth. 1380% 1381Anyone who make a significant contribution to any field 1382of endeavor and stays in that field long enough, 1383becomes an obstruction to its progress -- in direct 1384proportion to the importance of his original contribution. 1385% 1386If a scientist uncovers a publishable fact, it will 1387become central to his theory. 1388 1389His theory, in turn, will become central to all 1390scientific truth. 1391% 1392There is no such thing as a straight line. 1393% 1394In any series of calculations, errors tend to occur 1395at the opposite end to the end at which you begin 1396checking for errors. 1397% 1398Only errors exist. 1399% 1400One man's error is another man's data. 1401% 1402To err is human, but to really foul things up requires 1403a computer. 1404% 1405When putting it into memory, remember where you put it. 1406% 1407Never test for an error condition you don't know 1408how to handle. 1409% 1410Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter, since 1411nobody listens. 1412% 1413People who love sausage and respect the law should 1414never watch either one being made. 1415% 1416No matter what they're telling you, they're not 1417telling you the whole truth. 1418% 1419No matter what they're talking about, they're 1420talking about money. 1421% 1422In any dealings with a collective body of people, the 1423people will always be more tacky than originally expected. 1424% 1425If you can keep your head when all about you are losing 1426theirs, then you just don't understand the problem. 1427% 1428Information deteriorates upward through the bureaucracies. 1429% 1430When an exaggerated emphasis is placed upon delegation, 1431responsibility, like sediment, sinks to the bottom. 1432% 1433When outrageous expenditures are divided finely enough 1434the public will not have enough stake in any one 1435expenditure to squelch it. 1436% 1437When the government bureau's remedies do not match your 1438problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. 1439% 1440A fool and your money are soon partners. 1441% 1442You may know where the market is going, but you can't 1443possibly know where it's going after that. 1444% 1445Among economists, the real world is often a special case. 1446% 1447Trial balances don't. 1448% 1449Working capital doesn't. 1450% 1451Liquidity tends to run out. 1452% 1453Return on investments won't. 1454% 1455If everybody doesn't want it, nobody gets it. 1456% 1457Mass man must be serviced by mass means. 1458% 1459Everything is contagious. 1460% 1461Nothing is ever done for the right reasons. 1462% 1463The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake 1464that you've got it made. 1465% 1466An expert is anyone from out of town. 1467% 1468An expert is one who knows more and more about less 1469and less until he knows absolutely everything 1470about nothing. 1471% 1472To spot the expert, pick the one who perdicts the job 1473will take the longest and cost the most. 1474% 1475If it sits on your desk for 15 minutes, you've just 1476become the expert. 1477% 1478Indecision is the basis for flexibility. 1479% 1480Anything is possible if you don't know what you're 1481talking about. 1482% 1483Never create a problem for which you do not have 1484the answer. 1485% 1486Create problems for which only you have the answer. 1487% 1488A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 1489% 1490Hindsight is an exact science. 1491% 1492History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely 1493repeat each other. 1494% 1495Fact is solidified opinion. 1496% 1497Facts may weaken under extreme heat and pressure. 1498% 1499Truth is elastic. 1500% 1501When in doubt, predict that the trend will continue. 1502% 1503When in trouble, obfuscate. 1504% 1505Progress does not consist in replacing a theory that is 1506wrong with one that is right. It consists in replacing 1507a theory that is wrong with one that is more sublty wrong. 1508% 1509It is a simple task to make things complex, but a complex 1510task to make them simple. 1511% 1512If you have a difficult task give it to a lazy man, he 1513will find an easier way to do it. 1514% 1515Every great idea has a disadvantage equal to or 1516exceeding the greatness of the idea. 1517% 1518Never attribute to malice that which is adequately 1519explained by stupidity. 1520% 1521Systems should not be unnecessarily multiplied. 1522% 1523Systems tend to grow and as they grow they encroach. 1524% 1525Complicated systems produce unexpected outcomes. 1526% 1527The total behavior of large systems cannot be predicted. 1528% 1529A large system, produced by expanding the dimensions of 1530a smaller system, does not behave like the smaller system. 1531% 1532People in systems do not do what the systems says 1533they are doing. 1534% 1535The system itself does not do what it says it is doing. 1536% 1537A complex system that works is invariably found to have 1538evolved from a simple system that works. 1539% 1540A complex system designed from scratch never works and 1541cannot be patched up to make it work. You have to start 1542over, beginning with a working simple system. 1543% 1544(1) Everything is a system. 1545(2) Everything is part of a larger system. 1546(3) The universe is infinitely systematized both upward 1547 (larger systems) and downward (smaller systems). 1548(4) All systems are infinitely complex. (The illuison 1549 of simplicity comes from focussing attention on 1550 one or a few variables). 1551% 1552Complex systems tend to oppose their own proper function. 1553% 1554If the course you wanted most has room for 'n' students 1555you will be the 'n + 1' to apply. 1556% 1557Class schedules are designed so that every student will 1558waste the maximum time between classes. 1559% 1560Show me a person who's never made a mistake and I'll 1561show you somebdoy who's never achieved much. 1562% 1563When you consider there are 24 hours in a day, it's 1564sad to know that only one is called the happy hour. 1565% 1566When you are able to schedule two classes in a row, 1567they will be held in classrooms at opposite end of 1568the campus. 1569% 1570A prerequisite for a desired course will be offered 1571only during the semester following the desired course. 1572% 1573When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most 1574important ones will be illegible. 1575% 1576The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure 1577you are as to which answer they want. 1578% 157980% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture 1580you missed about the one book you didn't read. 1581% 1582The night before the english history mid-term, your 1583biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. 1584% 1585Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else 1586to do except study for that instructor's course. 1587% 1588If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget 1589your book. 1590If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget 1591where you live. 1592% 1593At the end of the semester you will recall having 1594enrolled in a course at the beginning of the semester 1595-- and never attending. 1596% 1597The one course you must take to graduate will not be 1598offered during your last semester. 1599% 1600The more general the title of a course, the less 1601you will learn from it. 1602% 1603The more specific the title of a course, the less you 1604will be able to apply it later. 1605% 1606The most valuable quotation will be the one for which 1607you cannot determine the source. 1608% 1609The source for an unattributed quotation will appear 1610in the most hostile review of your work. 1611% 1612When a writer prepares a manuscript on a subject he does 1613not understand, his work will be understood only by 1614readers who know more about that subject than he does. 1615% 1616Writings prepared without understanding must fail in the 1617first ojbective of communication -- informing 1618the uninformed. 1619% 1620When a student asks for a second time if you have read 1621his book report, he did not read the book. 1622% 1623If daily class attendance is mandatory, a schedules 1624exam will product increased absenteeism. If attendance 1625is optional, a schedules exam will produce persons you 1626have never seen before. 1627% 1628Just because your doctor has a name for your condition 1629doesn't mean he knows what it is. 1630% 1631The more boring and out-of-date the magazines in the 1632waiting room, the longer you will have to wait for 1633your scheduled appointment. 1634% 1635Only adults have difficulty with child-proof bottles. 1636% 1637You never have the right number of pills left on the 1638last day of a prescription. 1639% 1640The pills to be taken with meals will be the least 1641appetizing ones. 1642% 1643Even water tastes bad when taken on doctors orders. 1644% 1645If your condition seems to be getting better, it's 1646probably your doctor getting sick. 1647% 1648Beware of the physician who is great at getting 1649out of trouble. 1650% 1651A drug is that substance which, when injected into a 1652rat, will produce a scientific report. 1653% 1654Before ordering a test decide what you will do if it is, 1655(1) positive, or 1656(2) negative. 1657If both answers are the same, don't do the test. 1658% 1659The radiologists' national flower is the hedge. 1660% 1661The feasibility of an operation is not the best 1662indiciation for its performance. 1663% 1664A physician's ability is inversely proportional 1665to his availability. 1666% 1667There are two kinds of adhesive tape: That which won't 1668stay on and that which won't come off. 1669% 1670Everbody wants a pain shot at the same time. 1671% 1672Everybody who didn't want a pain shot when you were 1673passing out pain shots wants one when you are passing 1674out sleeping pills. 1675% 1676An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his 1677own physician. 1678% 1679Fools rush in -- and get the best seats. 1680% 1681At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from 1682the aisle arrive last. 1683% 1684Exciting plays occur only while you are watching the 1685scoreboard or out buying a hot dog. 1686% 1687Nothing is ever so bad it can't be made worse by 1688firing the coach. 1689% 1690The wrong quarterback is the one that's in there. 1691% 1692A free agent is anything but. 1693% 1694Hockey is a game played by six good players and the 1695home team. 1696% 1697Whatever can go to New York, will. 1698% 1699Whenever a superstar is traded to your favorite team, 1700he fades. Whenever your team trades away a usless 1701no-name, he immediately rises to stardom. 1702% 1703Never leave hold of what you've got until you've 1704got hold of something else. 1705% 1706A mediocre player will sink to the level of his or 1707her opposition. 1708% 1709The only way to make up for being lost is to make 1710record time while you are lost. 1711% 1712The amount of wind will vary inversely with the number 1713and experience of the people you have on board. 1714% 1715No matter how strong the breeze when you leave the dock 1716once you have reached the furthest point from port 1717the wind will die. 1718% 1719The time available to go fishing shrinks as the fishing 1720season draws nearer. 1721% 1722The least experienced fisherman always catches the 1723biggest fish. 1724% 1725The more elaborate and costly the equipment, the greater 1726the chance of having to stop at the fish market 1727on the way home. 1728% 1729The worse your line is tangled, the better is the 1730fishing around you. 1731% 1732The mountain gets steeper as you get closer. 1733% 1734The mountain looks closer than it is. 1735% 1736All trails have more uphill sections that they have 1737level or downhill sections. 1738% 1739The one who least wants to play is the one who will win. 1740% 1741All things being equal, you lose. 1742 1743All things being in your favor, you still lose. 1744% 1745Win or lose, you lose. 1746% 1747No matter where you go, there you are! 1748% 1749It always takes longer to get there than to get back. 1750% 1751If everything is coming your way, you're in the 1752wrong lane. 1753% 1754If you allow someone to get in front of you either: 1755(1) The car in front will be the last one over a 1756 railroad crossing, and you will be stuck waiting 1757 for a long, slow-moving train; or 1758(2) you both will have the same destination and the 1759 other car will get the last parking space. 1760% 1761If you have to park six blocks away, you will find two 1762new parking spaces right in front of the building 1763entrance. 1764% 1765When you're not in a hurry, the traffic light will turn 1766green as soon as your vehicle comes to a complete stop. 1767% 1768A car and a truck approaching each other on an otherwise 1769deserted road will meet at the narrow bridge. 1770% 1771The speed of an oncoming vehicle is directly proportional 1772to the length of the passing zone. 1773% 1774The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly 1775in front of your eyes. 1776% 1777If you can get to the faulty part, you don't have the 1778tool to get it off. 1779% 1780If you can get the faulty part off, the parts house 1781will have it back-ordered. 1782% 1783If the faulty part is in stock, it didn't need replacing 1784in the first place. 1785% 1786When the need arises, any tool or object closest to you 1787becomes a hammer. 1788% 1789No matter how minor the task, you will inevitably end 1790up covered with grease and motor oil. 1791% 1792When necessary, metric and inch tools can be used 1793interchangeably. 1794% 1795Automotive engine reparing law: 1796If you drop something, it will never reach the ground. 1797% 1798If you lived here you'd be home now. 1799% 1800If it's good, they discontinue it. 1801% 1802It the shoe fits, it's ugly. 1803% 1804(1) If you like it, they don't have it in your size. 1805(2) If you like it and it's in your size, it doesn't 1806 fit anyway. 1807(4) If you like it and it fits, you can't afford it. 1808(5) If you like it, it fits and you can afford it, it 1809 falls apart the first time you wear it. 1810% 1811The one you want is never the one on sale. 1812% 1813Anything labeled "new" and/or "improved" isn't. 1814% 1815The label "new" and/or "improved" means the price went up. 1816% 1817The label "all new," "completely new" or "great news" 1818means the price went way way up. 1819% 1820If an item is advertised as "under $50," you can bet 1821it's not $19.95. 1822% 1823ACF2 is a four letter word. 1824% 1825If only one price can be obtained for any quotation, 1826the price will be unreasonable. 1827% 1828A 60-day warranty guarantees that the product will 1829self-destruct on the 61st day. 1830% 1831The "consumer report" on the item will come out a week 1832after you've made your purchase: 1833 1834(1) The one you bought will be rated "unacceptable". 1835(2) The one you almost bought will be rated "best buy". 1836% 1837If you don't write to complain, you'll never receive 1838your order. 1839If you do write, you'll receive the merchandise before 1840your angry letter reaches its destination. 1841% 1842The most important item in an order will no longer 1843be available. 1844% 1845During the time an item is on back-order, it will be 1846available cheaper and quicker from many other sources. 1847% 1848People will buy anthing that's one to a customer. 1849% 1850Security isn't. 1851% 1852Management can't. 1853% 1854Sale promotions don't. 1855% 1856Consumer assistance doesn't. 1857% 1858Workers won't. 1859% 1860Cleanliness is next to impossible. 1861% 1862Multiple-function gadgets will not perform any 1863function adequately. 1864% 1865The more expensive the gadget, the less often you 1866will use it. 1867% 1868The simpler the instruction, e.g. "press here", the 1869more difficult it will be to open the package. 1870% 1871In a family recipe you just discovered in an old book, 1872the most vital measurement will be illegible. 1873% 1874Once a dish is fouled up, anything added to save it 1875only makes it worse. 1876% 1877You are always complimented on the item which took the 1878least effort to prepare. 1879 1880Example: 1881 If you make "duck a l'orange" you will be 1882 complimented on the baked potato. 1883% 1884The one ingredient you made a special trip to the store 1885to get will be the one thing your guest is allergic to. 1886% 1887The more time and energy you put into preparing a meal 1888the greater the chance you guests will spend the entire 1889meal discussing other meals they have had. 1890% 1891Souffles rise and cream whips only for the family and 1892for guests you didn't really want to invite anyway. 1893% 1894The rotten egg will be the one you break into the 1895cake batter. 1896% 1897Any cooking utensil placed in the dishwasher will be 1898needed immediately thereafter for something else. 1899% 1900Any measuring utensil used for liquid ingredients will 1901be needed immediately thereafter for dry ingredients. 1902% 1903Time spent consuming a meal is in inverse proportion 1904to time spent preparing it. 1905% 1906Whatever it is, somebody will have had it for lunch. 1907% 1908If you're wondering if you took the meat out to 1909thaw, you didn't. 1910% 1911If you're wondering if you left the coffee pot 1912plugged in, you did. 1913% 1914If you're wondering if you need to stop and pick up 1915bread and eggs on the way home, you do. 1916% 1917If you're wondering if you have enough money to take 1918the family out to eat tonight, you don't. 1919% 1920The spot you are scrubbing on glassware is always on 1921the other side. 1922% 1923Washing machines only break down during the wash cycle. 1924% 1925All break downs occur on the plumber's day off. 1926% 1927Cost of repair can be determined by multiplying the 1928cost of your new coat by 1.75, or by multiplying the 1929cost of a new washer by .75. 1930% 1931There is always more dirty laundry then clean laundry. 1932% 1933If it's clean, it isn't laundry. 1934% 1935A child will not spill on a dirty floor. 1936% 1937An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 1938% 1939Any child who chatters non-stop at home will adamantly 1940refuse to utter a word when requested to demonstrate 1941for an audience. 1942% 1943A shy, introverted child will choose a crowded public 1944area to loudly demonstrate new acquired vocabulary. 1945% 1946The probablility of a cat eating its dinner has 1947absolutely nothing to do with the price of the food 1948placed before it. 1949% 1950The probability that a household pet will raise a fuss 1951to go in or out is directly proportional to the number 1952and importance of your dinner guests. 1953% 1954The stomach expands to accommodate the amount of 1955junk food available. 1956% 1957If you buy bananas or avocados before they are ripe, 1958there won't be any left by the time they are ripe. If 1959you buy them ripe, they rot before they are eaten. 1960% 1961How long a minute is depends on which side of the 1962bathroom door you're on. 1963% 1964The life expectancy of a house plant varies inversely 1965with its price and directly with its ugliness. 1966% 1967If you have watched a TV series only once, and you watch 1968it again, it will be a rerun of the same episode. 1969% 1970If there are only two shows worth watching, they will 1971be on together. 1972% 1973The only new TV show worth watching will be cancelled. 1974% 1975The TV show you've been looking forward to all week 1976will be preempted. 1977% 1978Most people deserve each other. 1979% 1980Possessions increase to fill the space available for 1981their storage. 1982% 1983When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal 1984% 1985(1) The telephone will ring when you are outside the 1986 door, fumbling for your keys. 1987 1988(2) You will reach it just in time to hear the click 1989 of the caller hanging up. 1990% 1991People to whom you are attracted invariably thing you 1992remind them of someone else. 1993% 1994The one who snores will fall asleep first. 1995% 1996Never get excited about a blind date because of how 1997it sounds over the phone. 1998% 1999The love letter you finally got the courage to send 2000will be delayed in the mail long enough for you to 2001make a fool of yourself in person. 2002% 2003Other people's romantic gestures seem novel and exciting. 2004 2005Your own romantic gestures seem foolish and clumsy. 2006% 2007The length of a marriage is inversely proportional 2008to the amount spent on the wedding. 2009% 2010The probablility of meeting someone you know increases 2011when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. 2012% 2013If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember 2014you - the next time he's in need. 2015% 2016If you do something right once, someone will ask 2017you to do it again. 2018% 2019The one day you'd sell your soul for something, 2020souls are a glut. 2021% 2022The scratch on the record is always through the song 2023you like most. 2024% 2025Superiority is recessive. 2026% 2027Forgive and remember. 2028% 2029Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral 2030or fattening. 2031% 2032Anything good in life either causes cancer in 2033laboratory mice or is taxed beyond reality. 2034% 2035To err is human -- to blame it on someone else is 2036even more human. 2037% 2038Whatever happens to you, it will previously have 2039happened to everyone you know only more so. 2040% 2041He who laughs last -- probably didn't get the joke. 2042% 2043Don't worry over what other people are thinking about 2044you. They're too busy worrying over what you are 2045thinking about them. 2046% 2047In a bureaucratic hierarchy, the higher up the 2048organization the less people appreciate Murphy's law, 2049the Peter Principle, etc. 2050% 2051Law expands in proportion to the resources available 2052for its enforcement. 2053% 2054Bad law is more likely to be supplemented than repealed. 2055% 2056There are some things which are impossible to know - 2057but it is impossible to know these things. 2058% 2059When we try to pick out anything by itself we find 2060it hitched to everything else in the universe. 2061% 2062If one views his problem closely enough he will 2063recoginize himself as part of the problem. 2064% 2065Anything may be divided into as many parts as you please. 2066% 2067Everything may be divided into as many parts as you please. 2068% 2069If several things that could have gone wrong have not 2070gone wrong, it would have been ultimately beneficial 2071for them to have gone wrong. 2072% 2073The quickest way to experiment with acupuncture is to 2074try on a new shirt. 2075% 2076Absolutely nothing in the world is friendlier than 2077a wet dog. 2078% 2079The severity of an itch is inversely proportional 2080to the reach. 2081% 2082A hug is the perfect gift - one size fits all, and 2083nobody minds if you exchange it. 2084% 2085The only game that can't be fixed is peek-a-boo. 2086% 2087Ignorance should be painful. 2088% 2089The first insurance agent was David - 2090he gave Goliath a piece of the rock. 2091% 2092King Arthur ran the first knight club. 2093% 2094Magellan was the first strait man. 2095% 2096If you smile when everything goes wrong, you are 2097either a nitwit or a repariman. 2098% 2099If it weren't for the opinion polls we'd never know 2100what people are undecided about. 2101% 2102No news is ... impossible. 2103% 2104Laugh and the world laughs with you. cry and ... 2105you have to blow your nose. 2106% 2107A penny saved is ... not much. 2108% 2109He who marries for money ... better be nice to his wife. 2110% 2111It's always darkest before ... daylight saving time. 2112% 2113If at first you don't succeed ... get new batteries. 2114% 2115There is nothing more frightening than ignorance in action. 2116% 2117Life is like an ice-cream cone: You have to learn to 2118lick it. 2119% 2120One place where you're sure to find the perfect 2121driver is in the back seat. 2122% 2123Nothing is indestructible, with the possible exception 2124of discount-priced fruitcakes. 2125% 2126How do they know no two snowflakes are alike. 2127% 2128How did they measure hail before the golf ball was invented. 2129% 2130To err is human, to forgive is divine -- 2131but to forget it altogether is humane. 2132% 2133"Watching a birdie" in hand is safer that watching 2134one overhead. 2135% 2136The light at the end of the tunnel can be a helluva 2137nuisance, especially if your're using the tunnel 2138as a darkroom. 2139% 2140Never play leapfrog with a photo enlarger. 2141% 2142Never argue with an artist. 2143% 2144When in doubt, don't muble, overexpose ... then mumble. 2145% 2146The light at the end of the tunnel really is a train. 2147% 2148A budget is saving quarters in a mason jar for 2149Christmas and spending them by Easter. 2150% 2151A budget is spending $15.00 on gas to drive to a 2152shopping mall to save $4.30 on a 20 pound turkey. 2153% 2154A budget is wondering why you should balance yours 2155if the government can not balance theirs. 2156% 2157A budget is trying to figure out how the family next 2158door is doing it. 2159% 2160A budget is a plan that falls apart when the plumber 2161has to make an emergency visit. 2162% 2163A budget is trying to make $25.00 go as far today as 2164it did when you were first married. 2165% 2166A budget is buying a dress two sizes too small because 2167it was marked down. 2168% 2169You sure have to borrow a lot of money these days to 2170be an average consumer. 2171% 2172He who dies with the most toys wins. 2173% 2174A fool and his money soon go partying. 2175% 2176If his IQ was any lower he'd be a plant. 2177% 2178Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects. 2179% 2180It is far better to do nothing that to do 2181something efficiently. 2182 -- Siezbo 2183% 2184The man who has no more problems is out of the game. 2185% 2186The race goes not always to the swift, nor the battle 2187to the strong, but that's the way to bet. 2188% 2189A fool and his money are invited places. 2190% 2191All things come to him whose name is on a mailing list. 2192% 2193The hand that rocks the craddle usually is attached 2194to someone who isn't getting enough sleep. 2195% 2196After winning an argument with his wife, 2197the wisest thing a man can do is apologize. 2198% 2199If opportunity came disguised as temptation, 2200one knock would be enough. 2201% 2202If there was any justice in this world, people would 2203occasionally be permitted to fly over pigeons. 2204% 2205Easy doesn't do it. 2206% 2207Most people want to be delivered from temptation but 2208would like it to keep in touch. 2209% 2210When a distinguised scientist states something is possible, 2211he is almost certainly right. When he states that 2212something is impossible, he is very probably wrong. 2213% 2214Everyone gets away with something. 2215No one gets away with everything. 2216% 2217Remain silent about your intentions until you are sure 2218% 2219Calm down .... it is only ones and zeros. 2220% 2221Real programmers don't write COBOL. 2222COBOL is for wimpy applications programmers. 2223% 2224I have not lost my mind, it is backed up on tape somewhere. 2225% 2226Real programmers do not document. 2227Documentation is for simps who can't read listings or 2228object code. 2229% 2230Real programmers don't write specs -- users should 2231consider themselves lucky to get any programs at all and 2232take what they get. 2233% 2234Real programmers don't comment their code. if it is hard 2235to write, it should be hard to understand. 2236% 2237Real programmers don't write apllications programs; they 2238program right down on the bare metal. Application 2239programming is for feebs who can't do systems programming. 2240% 2241Real programmers don't eat quiche. In fact, real 2242programmers don't know how to spell quiche. They eat 2243twinkies and szechwan food. 2244% 2245Real programmer's programs never work the first time. But 2246if you throw them on the machine, they can be patched into 2247working in "only a few" 30-hour debugging sessions. 2248% 2249Real programmers don't write in Fortran. Fortran is for 2250pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. 2251% 2252Real programmers never work 9 to 5. If any real 2253programmers are around at 9 a.m., it's because they 2254were up all night. 2255% 2256Real programmers don't write in Basic. Actually, no 2257programmers write in basic after age 12. 2258% 2259Real programmers don't write in PL/1. PL/1 is for 2260programmers who can't decide whether to write in 2261COBOL or Fortran. 2262% 2263Real programmers don't play tennis or any other sport 2264that requires you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is 2265O.K., and real programmers wear their climbing boots to work 2266in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle 2267of the machine room. 2268% 2269Real programmers don't write in Pascal, Bliss, or Ada, or 2270any of those pinko computer science languages. Strong 2271typing is for people with weak memories. 2272% 2273On a clear disk, you can seek forever. 2274% 2275Hollerith got us into this hole mess! 2276% 2277No major project is ever installed on time, within budgets, 2278with the same staff that started it. Yours will not be the 2279first. 2280% 2281When things are going well, something will go wrong. 2282When things just can't get any worse, they will. 2283When things appear to be going better you have overlooked 2284something. 2285% 2286If project content is allowed to change freely, the rate of 2287change will exceed the rate of progress. 2288% 2289No system is ever completely debugged: Attempts to debug 2290a system will inevitably introduce new bugs that are even 2291harder to find. 2292% 2293A carelessly planned project will take three times 2294longer than expected; a carefully planned project will 2295take only twice as long. 2296% 2297After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said 2298than done 2299% 2300If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. 2301% 2302Never wrestle with a pig; you both get dirty, and the pig 2303likes it! 2304% 2305Never argue with an idiot: People watching may not be able 2306to tell the difference. 2307% 2308Don't fight with a bear in his own cage. 2309% 2310The six steps of program management are: 2311(1) Wild enthusiasm 2312(2) Disenchantment 2313(3) Total confusion 2314(4) Search for guilty 2315(5) Punishment for the innocent 2316(6) Promotion of the non-participants 2317% 2318He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from 2319the next freeway exit. 2320% 2321An expert doesn't know any more than you do. He or she is 2322merely better organized and uses slides. 2323% 2324Nothing is impossible for the person who doesn't have 2325to do it himself/herself. 2326% 2327You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to 2328float on his back, you've really got something. 2329% 2330You win some, lose some, and some get rained out; but you 2331gotta suit up for them all. 2332% 2333People are promoted not by what they can do, but what 2334people think they can do. 2335% 2336Don't smoke in bed - the ashes on the floor might be your 2337own. 2338