1!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH 2% 3(1) Alexander the Great was a great general. 4(2) Great generals are forewarned. 5(3) Forewarned is forearmed. 6(4) Four is an even number. 7(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. 8(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. 9 10Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. 11% 12(1) Everything depends. 13(2) Nothing is always. 14(3) Everything is sometimes. 15% 161.80 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's 17the law! 18% 1910.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0. 20% 21100 buckets of bits on the bus 22100 buckets of bits 23Take one down, short it to ground 24FF buckets of bits on the bus 25 26FF buckets of bits on the bus 27FF buckets of bits 28Take one down, short it to ground 29FE buckets of bits on the bus 30 31ad infinitum... 32% 33$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at 34which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. 35 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 36% 37101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR 38 (1) Scarecrow for centipedes 39 (2) Dead cat brush 40 (3) Hair barrettes 41 (4) Cleats 42 (5) Self-piercing earrings 43 (6) Fungus trellis 44 (7) False eyelashes 45 (8) Prosthetic dog claws 46 . 47 . 48 . 49 (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors) 50 (100) Killer velcro 51 (101) Currency 52% 53186,282 miles per second: 54 55It isn't just a good idea, it's the law! 56% 572180, U.S. History question: 58 What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what 59office did he later hold? 60% 61$3,000,000 62% 63355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible 64simulation! 65% 663 syncs represent the trinity -- init, the child and the eternal zombie 67process. In doing 3, you're paying homage to each and I think such 68traditions are important in this shallow, mercurial business we find 69ourselves in. 70 -- Jordan K. Hubbard 71% 7243rd Law of Computing: 73 Anything that can go wr 74fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped 75% 7677. HO HUM -- The Redundant 77 78------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme 79--- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife 80------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working 81---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop the 82---X--- (9) GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates to 83--- --- (8) nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex. 84 85Nine in the second place means: 86 The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune. 87 88Six in the third place means: 89 In former times men built altars to honor the Internal Revenue 90 Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble! 91% 927:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 93 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National 94 Redwood Forest. 95% 967:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 97 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the 98 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus. 99% 10099 blocks of crud on the disk, 10199 blocks of crud! 102You patch a bug, and dump it again: 103100 blocks of crud on the disk! 104 105100 blocks of crud on the disk, 106100 blocks of crud! 107You patch a bug, and dump it again: 108101 blocks of crud on the disk! ... 109% 110A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a 111"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble. 112 -- Mahatma Gandhi 113% 114A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. 115Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific 116game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have 117traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, 118preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass. 119 -- Donald A. Metz 120% 121A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and 122placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or 123rolled into the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results 124from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball 125and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the 126ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical phenomena. 127 -- Donald A. Metz 128% 129A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no 130responsibility at the other. 131% 132A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on. 133 -- Carl Sandburg 134% 135A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out 136of a divorce. 137 -- Don Quinn 138% 139A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining 140and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. 141 -- Mark Twain 142% 143A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it 144adds up to be real money. 145 -- Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen 146% 147A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him. 148% 149A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. 150% 151A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose. 152% 153... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you 154have turned into a pile of dust. 155% 156A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have 157enlightened him with ours. 158% 159A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well 160as afterward. 161% 162A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the 163poor to protect them from each other. 164% 165A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. 166% 167A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not 168mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty 169trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators. 170 -- Dave Barry 171% 172A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five. 173% 174A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon. 175Avoid him. He's a Commie. 176% 177A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but 178won't cross the street to vote in a national election. 179 -- Bill Vaughan 180% 181A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. 182 -- Herbert Prochnow 183% 184A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody 185wants to read. 186 -- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature" 187% 188A closed mouth gathers no foot. 189% 190A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. 191% 192A CONS is an object which cares. 193 -- Bernie Greenberg 194% 195A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it 196is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it. 197% 198A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper. 199 -- Dyer 200% 201A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the 202damned things is ample. 203 -- Rebecca West 204% 205A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. 206 -- Ben Franklin 207% 208A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen 209lantern. 210 -- Edgar A. Shoaff 211% 212A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it? 213% 214A day without sunshine is like night. 215% 216A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur 217coat. 218% 219A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that 220you will look forward to the trip. 221% 222 A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was 223eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality 224test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." 225 Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into 226the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too". 227% 228A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano ... 229% 230 A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing 231about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their 232arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon 233the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because 234Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply 235incredible surgical feat." 236 The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the 237Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of 238that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an 239architect." 240 The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, 241"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" 242% 243A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. 244 -- Ogden Nash 245% 246A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a 247Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. 248Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network 249with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the 250Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly 251pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while 252simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick 253Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened. 254% 255A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the 256subject. 257 -- Winston Churchill 258% 259A fool must now and then be right by chance. 260% 261A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into 262superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. 263 -- G. B. Shaw 264% 265A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block 266of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an 267elephant. 268% 269A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. 270 -- D. Gries 271% 272A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch 273dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension. 274 -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature" 275% 276A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. 277 -- Adlai Stevenson 278% 279A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than 280he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men 281favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter 282facts of life in bandages of self-illusion. 283 -- H. L. Mencken 284% 285A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding 286ducks. 287 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 288% 289A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident. 290A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident. 291But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *____that ___had __to ____mean _________something*. 292 -- S. Morgenstern, "The Silent Gondoliers" 293% 294A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort 295of). 296% 297A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened 298into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the 299hope of greening the landscape of idea. 300 -- John Ciardi 301% 302A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely 303rearranging their prejudices. 304 -- William James 305% 306A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest 307man a century. 308% 309A hypothetical paradox: 310 What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security 311team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of 312Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? 313 -- Tom Galloway 314% 315A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears. 316C is for Clair who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh. 317E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech. 318G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug. 319I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake. 320K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks. 321M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Nevil who died of ennui. 322O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl 323Q is for Quinton who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire. 324S is for Susan who parished of fits, T is for Titas who flew into bits. 325U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train. 326W is for Winnie, embedded in ice, X is for Xerxes, devoured by mice. 327Y is for Yoric whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zilla who drank too much gin. 328 -- Edward Gorey "The Gashlycrumb Tinies" 329% 330A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 331% 332A jury consists of 12 persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. 333 -- Robert Frost 334% 335A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. 336% 337A lady with one of her ears applied 338To an open keyhole heard, inside, 339Two female gossips in converse free -- 340The subject engaging them was she. 341"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks 342That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" 343As soon as no more of it she could hear 344The lady, indignant, removed her ear. 345"I will not stay," she said with a pout, 346"To hear my character lied about!" 347 -- Gopete Sherany 348% 349A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is 350not worth knowing. 351 -- Alan Perlis 352% 353A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program 354in than some that do. 355 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 356% 357A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work 358by being declared to work. 359 -- Anatol Holt 360% 361A Law of Computer Programming: 362 Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you 363will find the programmers cannot write in English. 364% 365A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of 366nothing. 367 -- Alan Perlis 368% 369A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. 370 -- H. H. Munroe, "Saki" 371% 372A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. 373% 374A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any 375price. 376% 377A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in 378his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and 379exceptional ability in that particular field." 380% 381A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. 382 -- Steve Wright 383% 384A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I 385believe everything positively stinks. 386 -- Lew Col 387% 388 A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The 389first thing he notices is that the arms are too long. 390 "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow 391and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine." 392 "But the collar is up around my ears!" 393 "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a 394little more ... that's it." 395 "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation. 396 "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you 397go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly." 398 So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the 399street. Reba and Florence see him go by. 400 "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!" 401 "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit." 402 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 403% 404A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" 405 406"However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a 407sense of obligation." 408 -- Stephen Crane 409% 410A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. 411% 412 A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his 413novices. "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how 414insignificant," said the master. 415 416 "Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice. 417 418 "It is," came the reply. 419 420 "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice. 421 422 "It is even in a video game," said the master. 423 424 "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?" 425 426 The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The 427lesson is over for today," he said. 428 -- "The Tao of Programming" 429% 430A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems. 431% 432A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed 433on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new 434game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the 435pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly 436along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their 437heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn 438around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite 439direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the 440paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin 441colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins 442fall over gently onto their backs. 443 444 -- Audubon Society Magazine 445 446 447[From the BBC, 2001-02-02: 448 For five weeks, a team from the British Antarctic Survey (BAS) 449monitored 1,000 king penguins on the island of South Georgia as Lynx 450helicopters passed overhead. 451 "Not one king penguin fell over when the helicopters came over," 452said team leader Dr. Richard Stone. 453 "As the aircraft approached, the birds went quiet and stopped 454calling to each other, and adolescent birds that were not associated 455with nests began walking away from the noise. Pure animal instinct, 456really." 457 The conclusion, said Dr. Stone, is that flights over 305 metres 458(1,000 feet) caused "only minor and transitory ecological effects" on 459king penguins.] 460% 461 A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at 462the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the 463pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite 464nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..." 465 "If what?" asked the composer. 466 "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?" 467% 468A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out 469on loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed 470loudly inside the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom 471do you believe," asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?" 472% 473A new koan: 474 475 If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. 476 477 If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you. 478 479It is an ice cream koan. 480% 481A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. 482Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now 483has no excuse for further procrastination. 484% 485A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies 486insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the 487right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them. 488% 489A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the 490rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion. 491% 492 A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which 493removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to 494doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous 495amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware 496limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the 497larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient 498power-down sequence. 499 An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the 500building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has 501bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer 502cool. 503% 504A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power 505off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly: 506"You can not fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no 507understanding of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off 508and on. The machine worked. 509% 510A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. 511% 512A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space. 513 -- Gloria Steinem 514% 515A penny saved is ridiculous. 516% 517A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry. 518% 519A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms. 520 -- George Wald 521% 522A pig is a jolly companion, 523Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt -- 524A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, 525Though mountains may topple and tilt. 526When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you, 527When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig, 528Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover, 529You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig, 530You'll never go wrong with a pig! 531 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 532% 533 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling 534 by Mark Twain 535 536 For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped 537to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer 538be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained 539would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 540might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the 541same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with 542"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all. 543 Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear 544with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 545or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. 546Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi 547ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz 548ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli. 549 Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud 550hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. 551% 552A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil! 553 -- The Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Sumatra" 554% 555A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? 556 557And the Master answered: 558 559It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. 560 561It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. 562 563It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City 564upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come 565to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness. 566 567And that is Fate? said the priest. 568 569Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master. 570 571That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was 572too. 573 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 574% 575 A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came 576upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. 577"That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow 578man". 579 As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, 580he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." 581% 582A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. 583% 584A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis 585of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite 586series of incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric 587precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from 588inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical 589accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality 590for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly 591defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the 592information in the first place. 593 -- IEEE Grid news magazine 594% 595A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that 596your wife will give you for free. 597% 598A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be 599too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which 600was intended for her preservation. 601 -- Colton 602% 603A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as 604"you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if 605the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants 606to make a travesty of the game. 607 -- Donald A. Metz 608% 609A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked 610out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon. 611 -- Steel City News 612% 613A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives. 614% 615A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20: 616 617Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying, 618"Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny 619bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the 620lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and 621breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the 622Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of 623the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt 624thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then 625proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being 626the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand 627Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, 628shall snuff it." 629 -- Monty Python, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" 630% 631A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices 632that the system works. 633% 634A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and 635the real reason. 636% 637A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen 638objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer 639scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added 640concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three 641dimensional objects ... 642% 643A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may 644not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized 645rosewater. 646% 647A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man 648contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. 649 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 650% 651A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will 652keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those 653that are worth committing. 654 -- Samuel Butler 655% 656 A Severe Strain on the Credulity 657 658As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest 659parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket 660is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one 661considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one 662begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really 663starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor 664maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left. 665Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing 666of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to 667re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum 668against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the 669knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. 670 -- New York Times Editorial, 1920 671% 672A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard. 673 -- Prof. Steiner 674% 675... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he 676was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. 677 -- Mark Twain 678% 679A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. 680 -- O'Henry 681% 682A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many 683bad measures. 684 -- Daniel Webster 685% 686A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an 687exam. 688% 689A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to 690Greenblatt. As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it 691true," asked the student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as 692Lisp?" Almost before the student had finished his question, Greenblatt 693shouted, "FOO!", and hit the student with a stick. 694% 695A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something 696undreamed of by its author. 697 -- S. C. Johnson 698% 699A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over 700Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the 701other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing 702new versions of their own innards! 703 -- Michael O'Brien 704% 705A tautology is a thing which is tautological. 706% 707A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, 708and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. 709 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 710% 711A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by 712blowing first. 713% 714A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene 715triangle. 716% 717A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 718% 719A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest 720in students. 721 -- John Ciardi 722% 723A University without students is like an ointment without a fly. 724 -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin 725% 726A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature 727replaces it with. 728 -- Tennessee Williams 729% 730A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without 731getting nervous. 732% 733A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets 734people's attention. 735% 736A witty saying proves nothing. 737 -- Voltaire 738% 739A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to 740admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact 741remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one 742reason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell. It 743is for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties of 744using indirect spells. It also does no harm, in dealing with these 745matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times. 746 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII 747% 748A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God. 749% 750A.A.A.A.A.: 751 An organization for drunks who drive 752% 753AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!! 754You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room! 755% 756Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. 757% 758About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. 759 -- Herbert Hoover 760% 761Absence makes the heart go wander. 762% 763Absent, adj.: 764 Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; 765slandered. 766% 767Absentee, n.: 768 A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove 769himself from the sphere of exaction. 770 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 771% 772Abstainer, n.: 773 A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a 774pleasure. 775 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 776% 777Absurdity, n.: 778 A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own 779opinion. 780 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 781% 782Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, 783because the stakes are so low. 784 -- Wallace Sayre 785% 786Accident, n.: 787 A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of 788body is better. 789 -- Foolish Dictionary 790% 791Accidents cause History. 792 793If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the 794Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not 795have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil 796could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and 797the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd. 798 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 799% 800According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person 801shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than 802fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening 803of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of 804the returns." 805% 806According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least 807once a year. 808% 809According to my best recollection, I don't remember. 810 -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo 811% 812According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are 813totally worthless. 814% 815According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never 816dies. 817% 818According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to 819live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came 820in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. 821Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime. 822 -- David Letterman 823% 824Accordion, n.: 825 A bagpipe with pleats. 826% 827Accuracy, n.: 828 The vice of being right. 829% 830 ACHTUNG!!! 831 832Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy 833schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit 834spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das 835rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und 836vatch das blinkenlights!!! 837% 838Acid -- better living through chemistry. 839% 840Acid absorbs 47 times its weight in excess Reality. 841% 842Acquaintance, n.: 843 A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well 844enough to lend to. 845 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 846% 847Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing. 848% 849Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had 850 everyone glued in their seats!" 851Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of 852 it!" 853% 854Actor: So what do you do for a living? 855Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving 856 dishes for Chinese restaurants. 857 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 858% 859Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families. 860% 861ADA, n.: 862 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in 863Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA 864awareness." 865 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 866% 867Admiration, n.: 868 Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. 869 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 870% 871Adolescence, n.: 872 The stage between puberty and adultery. 873% 874Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look 875like you ... 876 -- Gilda Radner 877% 878Adore, v.: 879 To venerate expectantly. 880 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 881% 882Adult, n.: 883 One old enough to know better. 884% 885Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest 886way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless. 887 -- Sinclair Lewis 888% 889Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic, 890then at least be aseptic. 891% 892After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose 893names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary 894Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted 895many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi 896Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two 897different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current 898developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer 899attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led 900to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, 901skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously 902injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it 903hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact 904that it sinks like a stone. 905 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 906% 907After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out. 908It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life 909more advanced than the lichen family. 910 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do" 911% 912After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. 913% 914... After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known 915quotations. 916 -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare 917% 918After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not 919for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have 920simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. 921 -- P. J. O'Rourke 922% 923After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found 924on the bench. 925% 926 After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from 927Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, 928and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon 929to be created." 930 "This is true," He replied. 931 "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. 932 "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the 933right to make his laws?" 934 "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to 935make his own." 936 It was so granted. 937 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 938% 939After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of 940the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the 941cost to others, to win advancement. 942 -- Norman Thomas 943% 944After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK? 945% 946After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe 947everything. Just in case. 948% 949After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access 950cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been 951removed. 952% 953Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a 954change. 955% 956Afternoon, n.: 957 That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the 958morning. 959% 960Age before beauty; and pearls before swine. 961 -- Dorothy Parker 962% 963Age, n.: 964 That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we 965still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise 966to commit. 967 -- Ambrose Bierce 968% 969Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball. 970% 971Ah, but the choice of dreams to live, 972there's the rub. 973 974For all dreams are not equal, 975some exit to nightmare 976most end with the dreamer 977 978But at least one must be lived ... and died. 979% 980Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the 981Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact 982that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately 983unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep 984up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers. 985 -- A analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic 986% 987Air is water with holes in it. 988% 989Alas, I am dying beyond my means. 990 -- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed 991% 992Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire 993telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New 994York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? 995And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they 996receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." 997% 998Alden's Laws: 999 (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause 1000 of pregnancy. 1001 (2) Always be backlit. 1002 (3) Sit down whenever possible. 1003% 1004Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, 1005Aleph-null bottles of beer, 1006 You take one down, and pass it around, 1007Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall. 1008% 1009Alex Haley was adopted! 1010% 1011Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting 1012for a dial tone. 1013% 1014Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of 1015them keeps paying for it. 1016 -- Peggy Joyce 1017% 1018All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent 1019upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a 1020visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is 1021informing, stimulating and ennobling. 1022 -- H. L. Mencken 1023% 1024All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely 1025than others. 1026 -- Alan Truscott 1027% 1028All extremists should be taken out and shot. 1029% 1030All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing 1031without thinking. 1032% 1033"All flesh is grass" 1034 -- Isaiah 1035Smoke a friend today. 1036% 1037All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. 1038% 1039All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own 1040importance. 1041% 1042All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled 1043by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ... 1044% 1045All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. 1046 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 1047% 1048All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are 1049Socrates. 1050 -- Woody Allen 1051% 1052All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us sane. 1053% 1054All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more 1055specific. 1056 -- Jane Wagner 1057% 1058All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies. 1059 -- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr. 1060% 1061All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of 1062the United States. 1063 -- Vic Gold 1064% 1065All power corrupts, but we need electricity. 1066% 1067All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. 1068% 1069All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of 1070every organism to live beyond its income. 1071 -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks" 1072% 1073All science is either physics or stamp collecting. 1074 -- Ernest Rutherford 1075% 1076All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right 1077hands. 1078 -- Saint Patrick 1079% 1080All syllogisms have three parts; therefore this is not a syllogism. 1081% 1082All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, 1083too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you 1084subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you 1085can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. 1086Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax 1087decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What 1088if it rains?" 1089 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 1090% 1091... all the modern inconveniences ... 1092 -- Mark Twain 1093% 1094All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most 1095ridiculous ones. 1096 -- La Rochefoucauld 1097% 1098All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by 1099the government in less than a second. 1100 -- Jim Fiebig 1101% 1102All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. 1103 -- Sean O'Casey 1104% 1105All the world's a VAX, 1106And all the coders merely butchers; 1107They have their exits and their entrails; 1108And one int in his time plays many widths, 1109His sizeof being _N bytes. At first the infant, 1110Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms. 1111And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun, 1112And shining morning face, creeping like slug 1113Unwillingly to school. 1114 -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11 1115% 1116All theoretical chemistry is really physics; 1117and all theoretical chemists know it. 1118 -- Richard P. Feynman 1119% 1120All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door. 1121% 1122All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for 1123fun. Money's just the way we keep score. 1124 -- Henry Tyroon 1125% 1126All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. 1127% 1128All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes 1129infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in 1130which he was born. 1131 -- Francois Fenelon 1132% 1133Alliance, n.: 1134 In international politics, the union of two thieves who have 1135their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot 1136separately plunder a third. 1137 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1138% 1139Alone, adj.: 1140 In bad company. 1141 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1142% 1143Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight 1144Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. 1145 -- Dave Barry 1146% 1147Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away. 1148% 1149Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, 1150mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have 1151any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place 1152to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, 1153Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a 1154serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the 1155same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely 1156that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A 1157penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job 1158running the post office. 1159 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 1160% 1161Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been 1162reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the 1163day-to-day life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable 1164interest to outdoor minded readers, as it contains many passages on 1165pheasant-raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, 1166and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper. 1167Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous 1168material in order to discover and savour those sidelights on the 1169management of a midland shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion 1170the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical 1171Gamekeeping." 1172 -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959) 1173% 1174Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid 1175back. 1176% 1177Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else. 1178% 1179Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing 1180that way. 1181% 1182Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves. 1183% 1184 AMAZING BUT TRUE ... 1185 1186If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end 1187across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful. 1188% 1189 AMAZING BUT TRUE ... 1190 1191There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it 1192would completely cover the Sahara Desert. 1193% 1194Ambidextrous, adj.: 1195 Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. 1196 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1197% 1198Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. 1199 -- Charlie McCarthy 1200% 1201America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism 1202to decadence without touching civilization. 1203 -- John O'Hara 1204% 1205America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, 1206until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and 1207changed its name to "America". 1208 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 1209% 1210American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective 1211employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for 1212employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference 1213between the men's room and the women's room without having little 1214pictures on the doors. 1215 -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister" 1216% 1217Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it. 1218% 1219An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because 1220people refuse to see it. 1221 -- James Michener, "Space" 1222% 1223An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but 1224is always polite to traffic cops. 1225% 1226An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to 1227New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but 1228not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax. 1229 -- David Letterman 1230% 1231An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away. 1232% 1233 An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He 1234knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with 1235great restraint. 1236 As he designs the first work, frill after frill and 1237embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away 1238to be used "next time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, 1239and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of 1240that class of systems, is ready to build a second system. 1241 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. 1242When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will 1243confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems, 1244and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that 1245are particular and not generalizable. 1246 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using 1247all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first 1248one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile". 1249 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" 1250% 1251An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it. 1252% 1253An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree 1254murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's 1255mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border. 1256Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the 1257suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a 1258murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..." 1259% 1260An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you 1261really care to know. 1262% 1263An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. 1264% 1265An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. 1266% 1267An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded 1268summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your 1269arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey 1270responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!" 1271% 1272An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. 1273 -- A. P. Herbert 1274% 1275An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He 1276wears a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is 1277advertised only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and 1278Rich Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in 1279incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote 1280excellence: 1281 1282The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and 1283discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able 1284to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting 1285things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch 1286parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a 1287timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who 1288doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful. 1289Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high 1290school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as 1291successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and 1292they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha. 1293 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 1294% 1295An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future. 1296% 1297... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often 1298picturesque liar. 1299 -- Mark Twain 1300% 1301An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these 1302eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as 1303possible. 1304 -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann" 1305% 1306An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. 1307% 1308 An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity 1309in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. 1310 "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if 1311you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like 1312an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an 1313hour seems like a minute." 1314 The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a 1315moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?" 1316 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 1317% 1318An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge. 1319% 1320Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no 1321government at all. 1322% 1323And as we stand on the edge of darkness 1324Let our chant fill the void 1325That others may know 1326 1327 In the land of the night 1328 The ship of the sun 1329 Is drawn by 1330 The grateful dead. 1331 1332 -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC. 1333% 1334... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers. 1335% 1336And I heard Jeff exclaim, 1337As they strolled out of sight, 1338"Merry Christmas to all -- 1339You take credit cards, right?" 1340 -- "Outsiders" comic 1341% 1342... And malt does more than Milton can 1343To justify God's ways to man 1344 -- A. E. Housman 1345% 1346And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. 1347% 1348... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of 1349your own. 1350 -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter 1351 Preposterous Words 1352% 1353And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and 1354fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it 1355looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One 1356approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin 1357is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then 1358of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides 1359gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this 1360procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom 1361youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and 1362Orson Welles. 1363 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" 1364% 1365...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a 1366courtesy detail. 1367% 1368And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a 1369horizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical 1370columnar supports, which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, 1371ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the 1372world. 1373 -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men" 1374% 1375 "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" 1376asked the father of his little son. 1377 "Diet." 1378% 1379And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have 1380a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks 1381tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets 1382tragedy face to face, we have politics. 1383 -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, "Root Crops and 1384 Ground Cover" 1385% 1386Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes. 1387Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____needs heroes. 1388 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo" 1389% 1390Angels we have heard on High 1391Tell us to go out and Buy. 1392 -- Tom Lehrer 1393% 1394Ankh if you love Isis. 1395% 1396Anoint, v.: 1397 To grease a king or other great functionary already 1398sufficiently slippery. 1399 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1400% 1401 Another Glitch in the Call 1402 ------- ------ -- --- ---- 1403 (Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.) 1404 1405We don't need no indirection 1406We don't need no flow control 1407No data typing or declarations 1408Did you leave the lists alone? 1409 1410 Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone! 1411 1412Chorus: 1413 All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. 1414 All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. 1415% 1416Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree. 1417% 1418Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but 1419television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom 1420and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that 1421offers whiter teeth *___and* fresher breath. 1422 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do" 1423% 1424 Answers to Last Fortune's Questions: 1425 1426(1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark). 1427(2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle. 1428(3) I don't know. 1429(4) Who cares? 1430(5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, 1431 Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. 1432(6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my 1433 book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and 1434 bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of 1435 Papyrus Books). 1436% 1437Anthony's Law of Force: 1438 Don't force it; get a larger hammer. 1439% 1440Anthony's Law of the Workshop: 1441 Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible 1442 corner of the workshop. 1443 1444Corollary: 1445 On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike 1446 your toes. 1447% 1448Antonym, n.: 1449 The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. 1450% 1451Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. 1452 -- Charles McCabe 1453% 1454Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a 1455representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a 1456representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone 1457capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously. 1458 -- Richard Schickel 1459% 1460Any excuse will serve a tyrant. 1461 -- Aesop 1462% 1463Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that 1464this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a 1465whole week. 1466% 1467Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to 1468sell it. 1469% 1470Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche 1471-- a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, 1472my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off 1473the fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was 1474undoubtedly true. 1475 -- Solomon Short 1476% 1477Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there. 1478 -- Sydney J. Harris 1479% 1480Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger 1481object. 1482% 1483Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to 1484exactly the point of most pressure. 1485 -- Milt Barber 1486% 1487Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. 1488 -- Rich Kulawiec 1489% 1490Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged 1491demo. 1492% 1493Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. 1494 -- Arthur C. Clarke 1495% 1496Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked 1497something. 1498% 1499Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. 1500 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. 1501% 1502Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. 1503% 1504Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is 1505probably parked. 1506% 1507Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire. 1508% 1509Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is 1510supposed to be doing at the moment. 1511 -- Robert Benchley 1512% 1513Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. 1514 -- Publius Syrus 1515% 1516Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with 1517none. 1518% 1519Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he 1520is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not 1521make messes in the house. 1522 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 1523% 1524Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. 1525 -- Samuel Goldwyn 1526% 1527Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad. 1528 -- W. C. Fields 1529% 1530Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no 1531account be allowed to do the job. 1532 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 1533% 1534Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never 1535tried taking candy from a baby. 1536 -- Robin Hood 1537% 1538Anything free is worth what you pay for it. 1539% 1540Anything is good if it's made of chocolate. 1541% 1542Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the 1543price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" 1544means the price went way up. 1545% 1546Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate. 1547% 1548Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. 1549% 1550Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution. 1551% 1552Aphorism, n.: 1553 A concise, clever statement. 1554Afterism, n.: 1555 A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. 1556 -- James Alexander Thom 1557% 1558APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of 1559the future for the problems of the past: it creates a new generation of 1560coding bums. 1561% 1562APL is a write-only language. I can write programs in APL, but I 1563can't read any of them. 1564 -- Roy Keir 1565% 1566Aquadextrous, adj.: 1567 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off 1568with your toes. 1569 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 1570% 1571AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) 1572 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. 1573 You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to 1574 be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same 1575 mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid. 1576% 1577Arbitrary systems, pl.n.: 1578 Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing 1579general can be said." 1580% 1581ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE -- 1582 FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE 1583% 1584Are you a turtle? 1585% 1586Arguments with furniture are rarely productive. 1587 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 1588% 1589ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) 1590 You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You 1591 are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are 1592 not very nice. 1593% 1594Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your 1595shoes. 1596 -- Mickey Mouse 1597% 1598Armadillo: 1599 To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle 1600% 1601Arnold's Laws of Documentation: 1602 (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. 1603 (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. 1604 (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the 1605 first two laws. 1606% 1607Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to 1608measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you 1609imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long? 1610 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 1611% 1612Art is anything you can get away with. 1613 -- Marshall McLuhan 1614% 1615Art is either plagiarism or revolution. 1616 -- Paul Gauguin 1617% 1618Arthur's Laws of Love: 1619 (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you 1620 remind them of someone else. 1621 (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be 1622 delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of 1623 yourself in person. 1624% 1625Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum. 1626% 1627As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are 1628interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick 1629perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, 1630"that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" 1631 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 1632% 1633As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual 1634certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I 1635became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can 1636meet girls. 1637 -- Matt Cartmill 1638% 1639As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not 1640certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. 1641 -- Albert Einstein 1642% 1643As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. 1644 -- Weisert 1645% 1646As I was going up Punch Card Hill, 1647 Feeling worse and worser, 1648There I met a C.R.T. 1649 And it drop't me a cursor. 1650 1651C.R.T., C.R.T., 1652 Phosphors light on you! 1653If I had fifty hours a day 1654 I'd spend them all at you. 1655 1656 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes 1657% 1658As I was passing Project MAC, 1659I met a Quux with seven hacks. 1660Every hack had seven bugs; 1661Every bug had seven manifestations; 1662Every manifestation had seven symptoms. 1663Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks, 1664How many losses at Project MAC? 1665% 1666As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great 1667industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free 1668speech and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to 1669myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a 1670real American talk like that. 1671 -- Frank Hague (1896-1956) 1672% 1673As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? 1674% 1675As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its 1676fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be 1677popular. 1678 -- Oscar Wilde 1679% 1680As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. 1681% 1682As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 1683programs; a process that traditionally requires some debugging. 1684 -- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new 1685 computer system. 1686% 1687As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it 1688wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had 1689to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized 1690that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in 1691finding mistakes in my own programs. 1692 -- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949 1693% 1694As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's 1695so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. 1696 -- Woody Allen 1697% 1698As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there 1699is always a future in Computer Maintenance. 1700 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 1701% 1702As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such thing as a free 1703variable." 1704% 1705As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple 1706memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time 1707to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, 1708E, or U is the proper time for chocolate. 1709 -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion" 1710% 1711As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would 1712interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the 1713Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure 1714out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on 1715Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual 1716organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result, 1717birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never 1718see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and 1719stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations 1720with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are 1721talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both 1722highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant. 1723 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 1724 Teen Should Know" 1725% 1726As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull 1727your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you. 1728The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along 1729with your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall 1730from the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all 1731over the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of 1732a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the 1733spider is suing you for damages. 1734% 1735As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself." 1736% 1737ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS. 1738% 1739Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if 1740one went to Harvard). 1741 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 1742% 1743Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls. 1744% 1745Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the 1746Station-to-Station rate. 1747% 1748Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the 1749bathtub, it tolls for thee. 1750% 1751Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell" 1752for an answer. 1753% 1754Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old 1755woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it, 1756she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.' 1757 -- David Letterman 1758% 1759Ass, n.: 1760 The masculine of "lass". 1761% 1762Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. 1763Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be 1764strengthened. Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum. 1765Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check 1766and dying broke. 1767 -- Stanley Walker 1768% 1769At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los 1770Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head 1771under the exhaust of a bus until he revived. 1772% 1773At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is 1774not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where 1775it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest. 1776 -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow 1777% 1778At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial 1779challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. 1780 -- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985 1781% 1782... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. 1783 -- J. B. White 1784% 1785At least they're ___________EXPERIENCED incompetents 1786% 1787At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his 1788thumb with a hammer. 1789 -- Marshall Lumsden 1790% 1791At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will 1792find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on 1793the computer. 1794% 1795Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole 1796or street lamp. 1797% 1798Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. 1799 -- Winston Churchill 1800% 1801Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever 1802depths they were once able to plumb. 1803 -- Stanley Kaufman 1804% 1805Automobile, n.: 1806 A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians. 1807% 1808Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. 1809 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 1810% 1811Avoid reality at all costs. 1812% 1813Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but 1814we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you. 1815 -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a student entering 1816 school in the fall after the Kent State shootings 1817% 1818Bacchus, n.: 1819 A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for 1820getting drunk. 1821 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1822% 1823Bagbiter: 1824 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually 1825intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This 1826bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on 1827obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the 1828bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS, 1829CHOMPER, CHOMPING. 1830% 1831Bagdikian's Observation: 1832 Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American 1833newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a 1834ukulele. 1835% 1836Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: 1837 A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides 1838by governors. 1839% 1840Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare. 1841% 1842Banectomy, n.: 1843 The removal of bruises on a banana. 1844 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 1845% 1846Bank error in your favor. Collect $200. 1847% 1848Barach's Rule: 1849 An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician. 1850% 1851Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the 1852floor -- especially in the dark. 1853% 1854Barometer, n.: 1855 An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we 1856are having. 1857 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1858% 1859Barth's Distinction: 1860 There are two types of people: those who divide people into two 1861types, and those who don't. 1862% 1863Baruch's Observation: 1864 If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. 1865% 1866Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high 1867taxes. 1868 -- Will Rogers 1869% 1870Basic is a high level languish. 1871APL is a high level anguish. 1872% 1873BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'. 1874% 1875BASIC, n.: 1876 A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in 1877that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. 1878% 1879Bathquake, n.: 1880 The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water 1881faucet is turned on to a certain point. 1882 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 1883% 1884Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your 1885door. 1886% 1887BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...) 1888% 1889Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely 1890get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your 1891face. 1892 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 1893% 1894Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps. 1895% 1896Be careful of reading health books. You might die of a misprint. 1897 -- Mark Twain 1898% 1899Be different: conform. 1900% 1901Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so 1902get used to it. 1903% 1904Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake. 1905% 1906Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and 1907miss 1908 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 1909% 1910Bees are very busy souls 1911They have no time for birth controls 1912And that is why in times like these 1913There are so many Sons of Bees. 1914% 1915 Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and 1916took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his 1917followers. 1918 One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and 1919there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing. 1920 "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his 1921commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your 1922Purpose in Life, anyway?" 1923 Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The 1924Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.) 1925 Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. 1926 Primarily because nobody understood Chinese. 1927 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" 1928% 1929Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego. 1930% 1931Begathon, n.: 1932 A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so 1933you won't have to watch commercials. 1934% 1935Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh 1936away. 1937% 1938Beifeld's Principle: 1939 The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and 1940receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is 1941already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better 1942looking and richer male friend. 1943% 1944"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff> 1945% 1946Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone. 1947% 1948Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: 1949 (1) Houses are for people to live in. 1950 (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. 1951 (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant. 1952% 1953Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence. 1954 -- Time Bandits 1955% 1956Besides the device, the box should contain: 1957 1958* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" 1959 1960* A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two 1961 club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. 1962 1963YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram 1964cable. 1965 1966IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your 1967spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car 1968that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King 1969without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's 1970why." 1971 1972WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. 1973 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" 1974% 1975Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon. 1976% 1977better !pout !cry 1978better watchout 1979lpr why 1980santa claus <north pole >town 1981 1982cat /etc/passwd >list 1983ncheck list 1984ncheck list 1985cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist 1986cat list | grep nice >giftlist 1987santa claus <north pole > town 1988 1989who | grep sleeping 1990who | grep awake 1991who | egrep 'bad|good' 1992for (goodness sake) { 1993 be good 1994} 1995% 1996Better dead than mellow. 1997% 1998Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson 1999Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. 2000Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and 2001great effort pushing boulders into a single word. 2002 2003It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow. 2004Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin 2005equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the 2006destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass 2007both Parliament and Party. 2008 2009It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other 2010planets, this may be the first message received from us. 2011 -- The Realist, November, 1964 2012% 2013Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not 2014tried it. 2015 -- Donald Knuth 2016% 2017Beware of computerized fortune-tellers! 2018% 2019Beware of low-flying butterflies. 2020% 2021Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. 2022 -- Leonard Brandwein 2023% 2024Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a 2025drip under pressure. 2026% 2027Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and 2028finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of 2029murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by 2030their ignorance the hard way. 2031 -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle" 2032% 2033Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but 2034nothing of interest is easy. 2035% 2036Binary, adj.: 2037 Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes. 2038% 2039Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same 2040thing as division. 2041% 2042Bipolar, adj.: 2043 Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, 2044New York 2045% 2046Birth, n.: 2047 The first and direst of all disasters. 2048 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2049% 2050Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic. 2051% 2052Bizoos, n.: 2053 The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a 2054basketball. 2055 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 2056% 2057... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ... 2058% 2059Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt. 2060 -- Herbert Hoover 2061% 2062Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, 2063for they Shall be Known as Wheels. 2064% 2065BLISS is ignorance. 2066% 2067Blood flows down one leg and up the other. 2068% 2069Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier. 2070% 2071Blore's Razor: 2072 Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is 2073funnier. 2074% 2075Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in 2076plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has 2077it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was 2078arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept 2079throwing up on them. 2080% 2081Boling's postulate: 2082 If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. 2083% 2084Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: 2085 Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so 2086vividly manifests their lack of progress. 2087% 2088Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: 2089 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 2090% 2091BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH! 2092% 2093Boob's Law: 2094 You always find something in the last place you look. 2095% 2096Bore, n.: 2097 A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary. 2098 -- Walter Winchell 2099% 2100Bore, n.: 2101 A person who talks when you wish him to listen. 2102 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2103% 2104Boren's Laws: 2105 (1) When in charge, ponder. 2106 (2) When in trouble, delegate. 2107 (3) When in doubt, mumble. 2108% 2109Boss, n.: 2110 According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages 2111the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, 2112in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an 2113ornamental stud." 2114% 2115Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry 2116that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation 2117straightened out for a crowbar. 2118 -- O. W. Holmes 2119% 2120Boston, n.: 2121 Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for 2122finishing second in the Irish jig competition. 2123% 2124Boy, life takes a long time to live. 2125 -- Steven Wright 2126% 2127Boy, n.: 2128 A noise with dirt on it. 2129% 2130Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least 2131when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years. 2132 -- James Thurber 2133% 2134Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. 2135 -- Kim Hubbard 2136% 2137Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the 2138unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only 2139(gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend 2140to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.' 2141 -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking Style" 2142% 2143Bradley's Bromide: 2144 If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a 2145committee -- that will do them in. 2146% 2147Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: 2148 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more 2149easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have 2150handled this?" 2151% 2152Brain fried -- Core dumped 2153% 2154Brain, n.: 2155 The apparatus with which we think that we think. 2156 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2157% 2158Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]: 2159 To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of 2160error in an opponent. 2161 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2162% 2163Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, 2164since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind. 2165 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 2166% 2167Bride, n.: 2168 A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. 2169 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2170% 2171Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may 2172revitalize the corner saloon. 2173% 2174British Israelites: 2175 The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of 2176Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by 2177Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further 2178believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the 2179Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in 2180the hand of the Arabs. They also believe that if you sleep with your 2181head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth. 2182 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 2183% 2184Broad-mindedness, n.: 2185 The result of flattening high-mindedness out. 2186% 2187Brontosaurus Principle: 2188 Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them 2189in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when 2190this occurs, they are an endangered species. 2191 -- Thomas K. Connellan 2192% 2193Brook's Law: 2194 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later 2195% 2196Brooke's Law: 2197 Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool 2198discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it 2199beyond recognition. 2200% 2201Bubble Memory, n.: 2202 A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's 2203intelligence. See also "vacuum tube". 2204% 2205Bucy's Law: 2206 Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. 2207% 2208Bug, n.: 2209 An aspect of a computer program which exists because the 2210programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he 2211wrote the program. 2212 2213Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed. 2214 -- Ray Simard 2215% 2216Bugs, pl. n.: 2217 Small living things that small living boys throw on small 2218living girls. 2219% 2220BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the 2221 outfit." 2222GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?" 2223BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive." 2224 -- Jay Ward 2225% 2226Bumper sticker: 2227 2228All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British 2229manufacture. 2230% 2231Bureaucrat, n.: 2232 A person who cuts red tape sideways. 2233 -- J. McCabe 2234% 2235Bureaucrat, n.: 2236 A politician who has tenure. 2237% 2238Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise. 2239% 2240Burn's Hog Weighing Method: 2241 (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a 2242 sawhorse. 2243 (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank. 2244 (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again 2245 perfectly balanced. 2246 (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks. 2247 -- Robert Burns 2248% 2249 But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can 2250easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed 2251and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) 2252upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was 2253without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based 2254on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court 2255was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and 2256sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, 2257human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. 2258 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2259% 2260But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations paws. 2261% 2262But I don't like Spam!!!! 2263% 2264 But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human 2265intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as 2266we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues 2267that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding 2268of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard 2269example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- 2270makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing 2271whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a 2272finite or an infinite number. 2273 -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds" 2274% 2275But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the 2276system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, 2277analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. 2278 -- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing 2279 Compilers" 2280% 2281But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast 2282to the nearest gas station. 2283% 2284But scientists, who ought to know 2285Assure us that it must be so. 2286Oh, let us never, never doubt 2287What nobody is sure about. 2288 -- Hilaire Belloc 2289% 2290But soft you, the fair Ophelia: 2291Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, 2292But get thee to a nunnery -- go! 2293 -- Mark "The Bard" Twain 2294% 2295But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who 2296was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal 2297education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 22981877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of 2299American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was 2300invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he 2301invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant 2302adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends 2303electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the 2304electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant 2305part) sends it right back to the customer again. 2306 2307This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch 2308of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since 2309very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. 2310In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United 2311States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it 2312ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate 2313increases. 2314 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 2315% 2316But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad 2317place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge. 2318Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What is a 2319kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs, 2320poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? Have I 2321explained yet about the bytes? 2322% 2323... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject. 2324 -- Virginia Masters 2325% 2326But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable 2327computers? 2328% 2329Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes 2330Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn; 2331Less dear than army ants in apple pies 2332Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn, 2333Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit; 2334Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose 2335They suck, and like the double-breasted suit 2336Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose, 2337Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed; 2338And stem the produce of thy waspish wits: 2339Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed; 2340Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits. 2341Be off, I say; go bug somebody new, 2342Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you. 2343% 2344By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task 2345completely overwhelm you. 2346% 2347By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. In fact, 2348it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to 2349invent. 2350 -- R. Emerson 2351 -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program 2352 (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.") 2353 [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to 2354 misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"] 2355% 2356By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began 2357to suspect 'Hungry' ... 2358 -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side" 2359% 2360By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's, I 2361mean. 2362 -- Mark Twain 2363% 2364Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to 2365point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very 2366fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are 2367often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people 2368from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B 2369that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____there. They often 2370wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell 2371they wanted to be. 2372 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 2373% 2374C, n.: 2375 A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more 2376like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or 2377anything else. It is either the best language available to the art 2378today, or it isn't. 2379 -- Ray Simard 2380% 2381Cabbage, n.: 2382 A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as 2383a man's head. 2384 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2385% 2386Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception. 2387 -- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989 2388% 2389Cahn's Axiom: 2390 When all else fails, read the instructions. 2391% 2392California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange. 2393 -- Fred Allen 2394% 2395California, n.: 2396 From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or 2397Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or 2398"fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." 2399 -- Ed Moran 2400% 2401Call on God, but row away from the rocks. 2402 -- Indian proverb 2403% 2404Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missile sighted, target 2405Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept. 2406% 2407Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle. 2408 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth 2409% 2410Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth 2411Corner, Vermont. 2412 -- Clarence Darrow 2413% 2414Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two 2415points. 2416 -- M. M. Johnston 2417% 2418Canada Bill Jone's Motto: 2419 It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. 2420 2421Supplement: 2422 A .44 magnum beats four aces. 2423% 2424Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents 2425for postage and 30 cents for storage. 2426 -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post 2427% 2428Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain? 2429Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes, 2430A root or two, a torus and a node: 2431The inverse of my verse, a null domain. 2432 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 2433% 2434CANCER (June 21 - July 22) 2435 You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's 2436problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things 2437off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare 2438recipients are Cancer people. 2439% 2440Canonical, adj.: 2441 The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true 2442story: One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some 2443annoyance at the use of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a 2444point of using jargon as much as possible in his presence, and 2445eventually it began to sink in. Finally, in one conversation, he used 2446the word "canonical" in jargon-like fashion without thinking. 2447 Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!" 2448 Stallman: "What did he say?" 2449 Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way." 2450% 2451CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) 2452 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do 2453much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any 2454importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as 2455they take root and become trees. 2456% 2457Captain Penny's Law: 2458 You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of 2459the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. 2460% 2461Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than 2462expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to 2463complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their 2464planning to reduce the time it takes. 2465% 2466Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and 2467trousers that don't match. 2468% 2469Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.: 2470 The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a 2471dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then 2472putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 2473 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 2474% 2475Cat, n.: 2476 Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer. 2477% 2478Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education. 2479 -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson" 2480% 2481Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health. 2482% 2483CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. 2484% 2485Cecil, you're my final hope 2486Of finding out the true Straight Dope 2487For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat 2488But none of my cats are at all like that. 2489This unusual animal (so it is said) 2490Is simultaneously alive and dead! 2491What I don't understand is just why he 2492Can't be one or the other, unquestionably. 2493My future now hangs in between eigenstates. 2494In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't. 2495If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way 2496And rescue my psyche from quantum decay. 2497But if this queer thing has perplexed even you, 2498Then I will *___and* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo. 2499 -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium 2500 of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams 2501% 2502Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. 2503% 2504Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the 2505center of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation 2506works. An incorrect model can be a useful tool. 2507 -- Kelvin Throop III 2508% 2509Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, 2510how many? 2511% 2512Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. 2513Jaka: Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something 2514Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy 2515 out of it? 2516Jaka: Ugh! 2517Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy? 2518 -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret" 2519% 2520Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long 2521walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They 2522then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy 2523health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, 2524not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find 2525only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the 2526others who have tried it. 2527 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2528% 2529Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, 2530But it's very funny-- 2531 Did you ever try buying them without money? 2532 -- Ogden Nash 2533% 2534 Chapter 1 2535 2536The story so far: 2537 2538 In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot 2539of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. 2540% 2541Character Density, n.: 2542 The number of very weird people in the office. 2543% 2544Checkuary, n.: 2545 The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and 2546ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his 2547checks. 2548% 2549Chef, n.: 2550 Any cook who swears in French. 2551% 2552Chemicals, n.: 2553 Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. 2554% 2555Chemistry is applied theology. 2556 -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III 2557% 2558Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire. 2559% 2560Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36: 2561 Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn 2562headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer". 2563 -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81 2564% 2565Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84: 2566 The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request 2567for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will 2568cheerfully baste you. 2569 -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82 2570% 2571Chicago, n.: 2572 Where the dead still vote ... early and often! 2573% 2574Chicken Little only has to be right once. 2575% 2576Chicken Little was right. 2577% 2578Chicken Soup, n.: 2579 An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, 2580cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure 2581is neurotic dependence on one's mother. 2582 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 2583% 2584Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every 2585effort to teach them good manners. 2586% 2587Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're 2588going to catch you in next. 2589 -- Franklin P. Jones 2590% 2591Children aren't happy without something to ignore, 2592And that's what parents were created for. 2593 -- Ogden Nash 2594% 2595Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for 2596word what you shouldn't have said. 2597% 2598Chism's Law of Completion: 2599 The amount of time required to complete a government project is 2600precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it. 2601% 2602Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: 2603 When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. 2604% 2605Chivalry, Schmivalry! 2606 Roger the thief has a 2607 method he uses for 2608 sneaky attacks: 2609Folks who are reading are 2610 Characteristically 2611 Always Forgetting to 2612 Guard their own bac ... 2613% 2614Christ: 2615 A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time. 2616% 2617Churchill's Commentary on Man: 2618 Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the 2619time he will pick himself up and continue on. 2620% 2621Cigarette, n.: 2622 A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in 2623between. 2624% 2625Cinemuck, n.: 2626 The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which 2627covers the floors of movie theaters. 2628 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 2629% 2630Clairvoyant, n.: 2631 A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that 2632which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead. 2633 -- Ambrose Bierce 2634% 2635Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like 2636shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. 2637 -- Phyllis Diller 2638% 2639Cleanliness is next to impossible. 2640% 2641Cleveland still lives. God ____must be dead. 2642% 2643Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day. 2644% 2645Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. 2646% 2647Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on 2648society. 2649 -- Mark Twain 2650% 2651COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance. 2652% 2653Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan. 2654% 2655Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- 2656"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am." 2657 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2658% 2659Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong. 2660 -- Blair Houghton 2661% 2662Coincidence, n.: 2663 You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was 2664going on. 2665% 2666Coincidences are spiritual puns. 2667 -- G. K. Chesterton 2668% 2669Cold, adj.: 2670 When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions. 2671% 2672Cold, adj.: 2673 When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own 2674pockets. 2675% 2676Collaboration, n.: 2677 A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the 2678other fellow can spell. 2679% 2680College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the 2681faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if 2682the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, 2683legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the 2684loss to humanity. 2685 -- H. L. Mencken 2686% 2687Colvard's Logical Premises: 2688 All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it 2689 won't. 2690 2691Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: 2692 This is especially true when dealing with someone you're 2693 attracted to. 2694 2695Grelb's Commentary 2696 Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. 2697% 2698Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, 2699And every vector dreams of matrices. 2700Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: 2701It whispers of a more ergodic zone. 2702 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 2703% 2704Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, 2705Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, 2706Their indices bedecked from one to _n, 2707Commingled in an endless Markov chain! 2708 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 2709% 2710Command, n.: 2711 Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in 2712such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control. 2713% 2714 COMMENT 2715 2716Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song, 2717A medley of extemporanea; 2718And love is thing that can never go wrong; 2719And I am Marie of Roumania. 2720 -- Dorothy Parker 2721% 2722Commitment, n.: 2723 Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. 2724The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. 2725% 2726Committee Rules: 2727 (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner. 2728 (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this 2729 stamps you as being wise. 2730 (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the 2731 others. 2732 (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed. 2733 (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you 2734 popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for. 2735% 2736Committee, n.: 2737 A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group 2738decide that nothing can be done. 2739 -- Fred Allen 2740% 2741Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to 2742be appointed to do the work. 2743% 2744Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at 2745different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. 2746 -- Clive James 2747% 2748Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius. 2749 -- Josh Billings 2750% 2751Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. 2752 -- Albert Einstein 2753% 2754Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness 2755of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule." 2756 -- David Guaspari 2757% 2758Computer programmers do it byte by byte. 2759% 2760Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems 2761theory. 2762% 2763Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. 2764% 2765Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. 2766 -- Pablo Picasso 2767% 2768Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in 2769the world that just don't add up. 2770% 2771Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more 2772than the estimate the job will cost. 2773% 2774Conceit causes more conversation than wit. 2775 -- La Rochefoucauld 2776% 2777Concept, n.: 2778 Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than 2779$25,000. 2780% 2781... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this 2782business, it probably would be gibberish. 2783 -- Thom McLeod 2784% 2785Condense soup, not books! 2786% 2787Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is 2788good for dandruff. 2789 -- Peter de Vries 2790% 2791Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. 2792% 2793Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that 2794would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that 2795you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer 2796maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS 2797OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY 2798UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED 2799IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD 2800WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND 2801SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, 2802RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, 2803RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE 2804FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT? 2805 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" 2806% 2807Connector Conspiracy, n: 2808 [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the 2809KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of 2810manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything) 2811to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old 2812stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive 2813interface devices. 2814% 2815Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. 2816 -- H. L. Mencken 2817% 2818Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking. 2819 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy" 2820% 2821Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. 2822% 2823Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you 2824wish you weren't. 2825% 2826Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich. 2827 -- Daffy Duck, "Ali Baba Bunny", [1957, Chuck Jones] 2828% 2829Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then 2830give it back to them. 2831% 2832"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and 2833if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" 2834 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 2835% 2836Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern 2837technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat. 2838% 2839Conversation, n.: 2840 A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath 2841is called the listener. 2842% 2843Conway's Law: 2844 In any organization there will always be one person who knows 2845 what is going on. 2846 2847 This person must be fired. 2848% 2849Coronation, n.: 2850 The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and 2851visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite 2852bomb. 2853 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2854% 2855Corrupt, adj.: 2856 In politics, holding an office of trust or profit. 2857% 2858Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a 2859muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can 2860make of capitalism. 2861 -- Walter Lippmann 2862% 2863Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job 2864is to enforce the law and fight crime. 2865 -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan 2866% 2867Court, n.: 2868 A place where they dispense with justice. 2869 -- Arthur Train 2870% 2871Coward, n.: 2872 One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. 2873 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2874% 2875[Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that, with 2876nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. 2877 -- Wernher von Braun 2878% 2879Crime does not pay ... as well as politics. 2880 -- A. E. Neuman 2881% 2882Critic, n.: 2883 A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries 2884to please him. 2885 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2886% 2887Croll's Query: 2888 If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of? 2889% 2890cursor address, n: 2891 "Hello, cursor!" 2892 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 2893% 2894Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It 2895eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the 2896business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation. 2897 -- Johnny Hart 2898% 2899Cynic, n.: 2900 A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not 2901as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking 2902out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. 2903 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2904% 2905Cynic, n.: 2906 One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye. 2907% 2908Dare to be naive. 2909 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 2910% 2911Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. 2912% 2913Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par." 2914Allen Gwinn: "Yours is." 2915% 2916Dawn, n.: 2917 The time when men of reason go to bed. 2918 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2919% 2920Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed. 2921% 2922%DCL-E-MEM-BAD, bad memory 2923-VMS-F-PDGERS, pudding between the ears 2924% 2925Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. Success is also 2926easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to 2927improve. 2928% 2929Dear Lord: 2930 I just want *___one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On 2931the other hand", again. 2932% 2933Dear Miss Manners: 2934 My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's 2935elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between 2936courses, is all right. Which is correct? 2937 2938Gentle Reader: 2939 For the purpose of answering examinations in your home 2940economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this 2941principle of education may be of even greater importance to you now 2942than learning correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners 2943believes that is. 2944% 2945Dear Miss Manners: 2946 Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from 2947your face. 2948 2949Gentle Reader: 2950 Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on 2951your face ... 2952% 2953Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part 2954of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old 2955will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a 2956commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as 2957"Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a 2958table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always 2959says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Don't that really mean, 2960"Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this 2961complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim 2962if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a 2963dead bat? 2964 2965Answer: Yes. 2966 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 2967% 2968Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? 2969 2970Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business 2971signs to alert the reader that an "S" is coming up at the end of a 2972word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR 2973ANY ITEM'S. Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when 2974creating hand-lettered small-business signs is that you should put 2975quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT 2976DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S. 2977 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 2978% 2979Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. 2980% 2981Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. 2982 -- R. Geis 2983% 2984Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings. 2985% 2986Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'. 2987% 2988Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. 2989% 2990Death is only a state of mind. 2991 2992Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else. 2993% 2994Death to all fanatics! 2995% 2996Decision maker, n.: 2997 The person in your office who was unable to form a task force 2998before the music stopped. 2999% 3000Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really 3001overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene 3002language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the 3003judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when 3004addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang). 3005 -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc. 3006% 3007 Deck Us All With Boston Charlie 3008 3009Deck us all with Boston Charlie, 3010Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo! 3011Nora's freezin' on the trolley, 3012Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo! 3013 3014Don't we know archaic barrel, 3015Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou. 3016Trolley Molly don't love Harold, 3017Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo! 3018 -- Walt Kelly 3019% 3020"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of 3021marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a 3022theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, 3023those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly 3024blessed. 3025 -- Randy Davis 3026% 3027default, n.: 3028 [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you, 3029mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will 3030come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear 3031 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 3032% 3033#define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255) 3034#define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \ 3035 - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \ 3036 - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111)) 3037 3038 -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word 3039% 3040Definitions of hardware and software for dummies: 3041 Hardware is what you kick; 3042 Software is what you curse. 3043% 3044 DELETE A FORTUNE! 3045 3046Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like 3047to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to 3048"fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it 3049gets expunged. 3050% 3051Deliberation, n.: 3052 The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is 3053buttered on. 3054 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3055% 3056Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow. 3057% 3058Demand the establishment of the government 3059in its rightful home at Disneyland. 3060% 3061Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than 3062we deserve. 3063 -- George Bernard Shaw 3064% 3065Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder 3066aloud what the country could do under first-class management. 3067 -- Senator Soaper 3068% 3069Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the 3070incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. 3071 -- G. B. Shaw 3072% 3073Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you 3074don't think. 3075% 3076Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by 3077Jackasses. 3078 -- H. L. Mencken 3079% 3080Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse. 3081 -- Jawaharlal Nehru 3082% 3083Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people 3084are right more than half of the time. 3085 -- E. B. White 3086% 3087Democracy, n.: 3088 A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass 3089meeting or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. 3090Attitude toward property is communistic... negating property rights. 3091Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, 3092whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion, 3093prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences. 3094Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy. 3095 -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932), 3096 since withdrawn. 3097% 3098Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the 3099board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls. 3100% 3101Dentist, n.: 3102 A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls 3103coins out of one's pockets. 3104 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3105% 3106Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will 3107be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over 3108the table. 3109 -- The Anarchist Cookbook 3110% 3111 DETERIORATA 3112 3113Go placidly amid the noise and waste, 3114And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. 3115Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. 3116Rotate your tires. 3117Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself, 3118And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys. 3119Know what to kiss -- and when. 3120Remember that two wrongs never make a right, 3121But that three do. 3122Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD". 3123Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment, 3124And despite the changing fortunes of time, 3125There is always a big future in computer maintenance. 3126 3127 You are a fluke of the universe ... 3128 You have no right to be here. 3129 Whether you can hear it or not, the universe 3130 Is laughing behind your back. 3131 -- National Lampoon 3132% 3133DeVries's Dilemma: 3134 If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want 3135hits the paper. 3136% 3137Did I say 2? I lied. 3138% 3139Did you know ... 3140 3141That no-one ever reads these things? 3142% 3143Did you know that clones never use mirrors? 3144 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3145% 3146Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined 3147them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction? 3148% 3149Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot 3150that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states: 3151 3152 "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and 3153 squirrel." 3154 3155 -- ihuxw!tommyo 3156% 3157Die, v.: 3158 To stop sinning suddenly. 3159 -- Elbert Hubbard 3160% 3161Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a 3162conventional thing to happen to him. 3163 -- John Barrymore's dying words 3164% 3165Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little. 3166% 3167Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. 3168Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. 3169% 3170Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. 3171% 3172Disc space -- the final frontier! 3173% 3174Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be 3175yours too." 3176 -- Dave Haynie 3177% 3178Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my 3179employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely 3180coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is 3181non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the 3182absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. 3183The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for 3184the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, 3185non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.) 3186% 3187Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. 3188% 3189Distinctive, adj.: 3190 A different color or shape than our competitors. 3191% 3192Distress, n.: 3193 A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. 3194 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3195% 3196District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape 3197injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any 3198damage inflicted on the vehicle. 3199% 3200Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? 3201% 3202Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? 3203% 3204Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. 3205% 3206Do not drink coffee in early a.m. It will keep you awake until noon. 3207% 3208Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to 3209anger. 3210% 3211Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good 3212with ketchup. 3213% 3214Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. 3215Violators will be prosecuted. 3216(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.)) 3217% 3218Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight. 3219% 3220Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each 3221day as it comes. 3222 -- Donald Kaul 3223% 3224Do something unusual today. Pay a bill. 3225% 3226Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. 3227% 3228Do you have lysdexia? 3229% 3230Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take 3231the time to take the dirt out of them? 3232% 3233"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?" 3234"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" 3235"I've never done anything illegal before." 3236"I thought you said you were an accountant!" 3237% 3238Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and 3239when it is bad, it is better than nothing. 3240 -- Dick Brandon 3241% 3242Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must 3243be good because the programmers hate it so much. 3244% 3245Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 3246% 3247Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow. 3248% 3249Don't be humble ... you're not that great. 3250 -- Golda Meir 3251% 3252Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. 3253% 3254Don't change the reason, just change the excuses! 3255 -- Joe Cointment 3256% 3257"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, 3258sincerely, extremely dangerously. 3259 3260They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. 3261They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They 3262used intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used 3263finks. They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used 3264fallaron. They used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. 3265They used the bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. 3266They used treachery. They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. 3267They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And 3268what the hell, they caught him. 3269 3270 -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man" 3271% 3272Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today! 3273% 3274Don't feed the bats tonight. 3275% 3276Don't get even -- get odd! 3277% 3278Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly 3279misleading. Debug only code. 3280 -- Dave Storer 3281% 3282Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes 3283you nothing. It was here first. 3284 -- Mark Twain 3285% 3286Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while. 3287% 3288Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. 3289% 3290Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier. 3291% 3292Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today. 3293% 3294Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam. 3295% 3296Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance. 3297% 3298Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone. 3299% 3300Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. 3301% 3302Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy 3303it today you can do it again tomorrow. 3304% 3305Don't say yes until I finish talking. 3306 -- Darryl F. Zanuck 3307% 3308Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. 3309Cheat. 3310 -- Ambrose Bierce 3311% 3312Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in! 3313 -- "Brazil" 3314% 3315Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent. 3316 -- Walt Kelly 3317% 3318Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out of it alive. 3319% 3320Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. 3321% 3322Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to 3323get more wax!! 3324% 3325Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts 3326avoiding you. 3327 -- The Old Farmer's Almanac 3328% 3329Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any 3330good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. 3331 -- Howard Aiken 3332% 3333Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already 3334tomorrow in Australia. 3335 -- Charles Schultz 3336% 3337Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too 3338busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. 3339% 3340Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in? 3341% 3342Don Ameche: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she 3343 pretty? 3344W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of 3345 bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to 3346 sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia. 3347Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative. 3348W. C.: It's almost impossible. 3349 -- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson 3350 E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles" 3351% 3352 Double Bucky 3353 (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie") 3354 3355Double bucky, you're the one! 3356You make my keyboard lots of fun 3357 Double bucky, an additional bit or two: 3358(Vo-vo-de-o!) 3359Control and Meta side by side, 3360Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide! 3361 Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few! 3362 3363Oh, I sure wish that I, 3364Had a couple of bits more! 3365Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four. 3366 3367Double bucky, left and right 3368OR'd together, outta sight! 3369 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of 3370 Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of 3371 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you! 3372 3373 -- (C) 1978 by Guy L. Steele, Jr. 3374 (to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit 3375 be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use 3376 by screen editors. [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"]) 3377% 3378Double-Blind Experiment, n.: 3379 An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is 3380fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a 3381strong belief in the tooth fairy. 3382% 3383Down with categorical imperative! 3384% 3385Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. 3386% 3387Drew's Law of Highway Biology: 3388 The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front 3389of your eyes. 3390% 3391Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *__is* fun trying. 3392% 3393Drive defensively. Buy a tank. 3394% 3395Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route! 3396% 3397Ducharme's Axiom: 3398 If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize 3399yourself as part of the problem. 3400% 3401Ducharme's Precept: 3402 Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. 3403% 3404Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and 3405it holds the universe together. 3406 -- Carl Zwanzig 3407% 3408Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders 3409has been discontinued. 3410% 3411Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate 3412and captain of your soul. 3413% 3414Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been 3415discontinued. 3416% 3417 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen 3418were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a 3419red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, 3420"Hey, you almost hit my wife." 3421 "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a 3422shot at mine, over there." 3423% 3424During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several 3425times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o 3426% 3427Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have 3428nothing whatever to do with it. 3429 -- W. Somerset Maugham (last words) 3430% 3431E Pluribus Unix 3432% 3433Eagleson's Law: 3434 Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more 3435months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is 3436an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.) 3437% 3438Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends 3439% 3440/earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can. 3441% 3442Earth is a beta site. 3443% 3444Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun. 3445 -- Jeff Berner 3446% 3447Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: 3448 Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the 3449cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of 3450the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this 3451means the puzzle is solved. 3452 -- Steve Rubenstein 3453% 3454Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal. 3455% 3456Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work. 3457% 3458Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. 3459 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 3460% 3461Economics, n.: 3462 Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. 3463Galbraith ... 3464 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 3465% 3466Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy 3467would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it 3468hasn't. 3469 -- Robert Orben 3470% 3471Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a 3472percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor. 3473 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 3474% 3475Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. 3476 -- Fred Allen 3477% 3478Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine. 3479 -- Irsin Edman 3480% 3481Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak! 3482 -- Bullwinkle Moose 3483% 3484Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. 3485 -- Adlai Stevenson 3486% 3487Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many 3488people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable 3489comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where 3490the "nog" comes from. 3491 3492To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine gin and, if they are in 3493season, eggs... 3494% 3495Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain 3496of being a damned fool. 3497 -- Bellamy Brooks 3498% 3499Egotist, n.: 3500 A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. 3501 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3502% 3503Ehrman's Commentary: 3504 (1) Things will get worse before they get better. 3505 (2) Who said things would get better? 3506% 3507Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. 3508 -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star 3509% 3510Eleanor Rigby 3511 Sits at the keyboard 3512 And waits for a line on the screen 3513Lives in a dream 3514Waits for a signal 3515 Finding some code 3516 That will make the machine do some more. 3517What is it for? 3518 3519All the lonely users, where do they all come from? 3520All the lonely users, why does it take so long? 3521 3522Hacker MacKensie 3523Writing the code for a program that no one will run 3524It's nearly done 3525Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's nobody there. 3526What does he care? 3527 3528All the lonely users, where do they all come from? 3529All the lonely users, why does it take so long? 3530Ah, look at all the lonely users. 3531Ah, look at all the lonely users. 3532% 3533Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance. 3534% 3535 Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles, 3536called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you 3537have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in 3538most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the 3539time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could 3540have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey, 3541although God alone knows why it would want to. 3542 The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, 3543direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes 3544have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one 3545direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents 3546harmful electron buildup in the wires. 3547 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 3548% 3549Electrocution, n.: 3550 Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. 3551% 3552Elevators smell different to midgets. 3553% 3554Emerson's Law of Contrariness: 3555 Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we 3556can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it. 3557% 3558Encyclopedia Salesmen: 3559 Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police 3560and tell them your house is being burgled. 3561 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 3562% 3563Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. 3564Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop. 3565 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary 3566% 3567Entropy isn't what it used to be. 3568% 3569Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which 3570otherwise require harder thinking. 3571 -- Jerome Lettvin 3572% 3573Epperson's law: 3574 When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably 3575something his wife can beat him at. 3576% 3577Equal bytes for women. 3578% 3579Error in operator: add beer 3580% 3581Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven 3582 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; 3583Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven 3584 Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben. 3585 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 3586% 3587Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. 3588 -- Woody Allen 3589% 3590Etymology, n.: 3591 Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that 3592were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed 3593from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy" 3594("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow." 3595 -- Mike Kellen 3596% 3597Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to 3598speak it to? 3599 -- Clarence Darrow 3600% 3601Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. 3602 -- Will Rogers 3603% 3604Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral. 3605 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 3606% 3607Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United 3608States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a 3609day. 3610% 3611Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you 3612just how busy they are? 3613% 3614Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what, 3615exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men." 3616All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with 3617spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about: 3618Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please 3619take her right now. No How about: Would you like to take something? 3620My wife is available. No. How about ..." 3621 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 3622% 3623Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it. 3624% 3625Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. 3626% 3627Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this 3628woman and stop her. 3629% 3630Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one 3631idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's 3632sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all 3633of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two 3634highly-motivated, caustic twits. 3635 -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet 3636% 3637Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired 3638signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not 3639fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not 3640spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the 3641genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way 3642of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is 3643humanity hanging on a cross of iron. 3644 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, April 16, 1953 3645% 3646Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation): 3647 3648Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in 3649front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an 3650odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even 3651and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of 3652legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere, 3653there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse 3654of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same 3655color"], that does not exist. 3656% 3657Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible. 3658 -- Frank Moore Colby 3659% 3660Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it. 3661% 3662Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. 3663 -- Don Vonada 3664% 3665Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95. 3666% 3667Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. 3668 -- Miguel de Cervantes 3669% 3670Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the 3671richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. 3672 -- Robert Orben 3673% 3674Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis. 3675 3676It makes sense, when you don't think about it. 3677% 3678Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one 3679instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every 3680program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work. 3681% 3682Every program has two purposes -- one for which it was written and 3683another for which it wasn't. 3684% 3685Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits. 3686% 3687Every solution breeds new problems. 3688% 3689Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no 3690guarantee of eventual success. 3691% 3692Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it. 3693% 3694Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. 3695 -- Beckett 3696% 3697Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. 3698 -- Dykstra 3699% 3700Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. 3701% 3702Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be 3703taught how ___not to. So it is with the great programmers. 3704% 3705Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to 3706realize it. 3707% 3708Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic 3709formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the 3710scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact 3711wholly unconcerned with what ____does exist. Indeed, the banality of 3712existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to 3713discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the 3714problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the 3715mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all, 3716one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely 3717different way ... 3718 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 3719% 3720Everyone talks about apathy, but no one ____does anything about it. 3721% 3722Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, 3723no one we know belongs. 3724% 3725Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being 3726that a belch is more satisfying. 3727 -- Ingmar Bergman 3728% 3729Everything journalists write is true, except when they write about 3730something you know. 3731 -- Dag-Erling Smorgrav, 3732 June 1999, FreeBSD-Stable Mailing List 3733% 3734Everything should be built top-down, except the first time. 3735% 3736Everything you know is wrong! 3737% 3738Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less 3739obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no 3740solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. 3741There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no 3742straight lines. 3743 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 3744% 3745 Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping 3746mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as 3747"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you 3748how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence", 3749"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night 3750So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc. 3751 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 3752% 3753Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike the office water cooler. 3754% 3755Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator. 3756% 3757Excellent day to have a rotten day. 3758% 3759Excellent time to become a missing person. 3760% 3761Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from 3762acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. 3763 -- W. Somerset Maugham 3764% 3765Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility. 3766% 3767Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do 3768the work. 3769 -- John G. Pollard 3770% 3771Expect the worst. It's the least you can do. 3772% 3773Expense Accounts, n.: 3774 Corporate food stamps. 3775% 3776Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 3777 -- Olivier 3778% 3779Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake 3780when you make it again. 3781 -- Franklin P. Jones 3782% 3783Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and 3784the instruction afterward. 3785% 3786Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old 3787ones. 3788% 3789Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. 3790% 3791Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. 3792% 3793Expert, n.: 3794 Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides. 3795% 3796Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules: 3797 3798 NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE 3799 3800To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully 3801cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand 3802corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and 3803address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) -- 3804to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower 3805left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card 3806below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your 3807computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL 3808SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card 3809(without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the 3810Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be 3811disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print 3812this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and 3813completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize. 3814% 3815F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm! 3816% 3817f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd. 3818% 3819f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. 3820% 3821F: When into a room I plunge, I 3822 Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI. 3823 Then I linger, darkly brooding 3824 On the poison they're exuding. 3825 -- The Roguelet's ABC 3826% 3827Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable. 3828% 3829Fairy Tale, n.: 3830 A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. 3831% 3832Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic 3833without looking to see whether the seeds move. 3834% 3835Faith, n: 3836 That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be 3837untrue. 3838% 3839Fakir, n: 3840 A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost 3841religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to 3842have shinnied up a rope and vanished. 3843% 3844Familiarity breeds attempt. 3845% 3846Families, when a child is born 3847Want it to be intelligent. 3848I, through intelligence, 3849Having wrecked my whole life, 3850Only hope the baby will prove 3851Ignorant and stupid. 3852Then he will crown a tranquil life 3853By becoming a Cabinet Minister 3854 -- Su Tung-p'o 3855% 3856Famous last words: 3857% 3858Famous last words: 3859 (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it." 3860 (2) "You and what army?" 3861 (3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be 3862 a cop." 3863% 3864Famous last words: 3865 (1) Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. 3866 (2) Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. 3867 (3) What happens if you touch these two wires tog-- 3868 (4) We won't need reservations. 3869 (5) It's always sunny there this time of the year. 3870 (6) Don't worry, it's not loaded. 3871 (7) They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager. 3872 (8) Don't worry! Women love it! 3873% 3874Famous, adj.: 3875 Conspicuously miserable. 3876 -- Ambrose Bierce 3877% 3878Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the 3879Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. 3880Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an 3881utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life 3882forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches 3883are a pretty neat idea. 3884 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 3885% 3886Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it 3887every six months. 3888 -- Oscar Wilde 3889% 3890Fats Loves Madelyn. 3891% 3892Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ... 3893% 3894Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children, 3895neither will you. 3896% 3897 Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each 3898other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around 3899the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors 3900d'oeuvres. 3901 Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes 3902to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your 3903Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright 3904piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. 3905 Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with 3906inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down 3907other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and 3908placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when 3909the little hammers strike. 3910 Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over 3911their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning 3912Christmas tree. The piano is missing. 3913 3914 You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless 3915you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level 39164. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog. 3917% 3918Fifth Law of Applied Terror: 3919 If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. 3920 3921Corollary: 3922 If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live. 3923% 3924Fifth Law of Procrastination: 3925 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that 3926there is nothing important to do. 3927% 3928Fifty flippant frogs 3929Walked by on flippered feet 3930And with their slime they made the time 3931Unnaturally fleet. 3932% 3933 FIGHTING WORDS 3934 3935Say my love is easy had, 3936 Say I'm bitten raw with pride, 3937Say I am too often sad -- 3938 Still behold me at your side. 3939 3940Say I'm neither brave nor young, 3941 Say I woo and coddle care, 3942Say the devil touched my tongue -- 3943 Still you have my heart to wear. 3944 3945But say my verses do not scan, 3946 And I get me another man! 3947 -- Dorothy Parker 3948% 3949Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North 3950Carolina. 3951% 3952Finagle's Creed: 3953 Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. 3954% 3955Finagle's First Law: 3956 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 3957% 3958Finagle's Fourth Law: 3959 Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes 3960it worse. 3961% 3962Finagle's Second Law: 3963 No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be 3964someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it 3965happened according to his own pet theory. 3966% 3967Finagle's Third Law: 3968 In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, 3969 beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. 3970 3971Corollaries: 3972 (1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. 3973 (2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really 3974 don't want to hear, will see it immediately. 3975% 3976Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture 3977on a rock. 3978 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 3979% 3980Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. 3981% 3982Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. 3983% 3984Fine's Corollary: 3985 Functionality breeds Contempt. 3986% 3987Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less: 3988 3989 "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..." 3990 3991Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to: 3992 3993 P.O. Box 35 3994 Baffled Greek, Michigan 3995% 3996First Corollary of Taber's Second Law: 3997 Machines that piss people off get murdered. 3998 -- Pat Taber 3999% 4000First Law of Bicycling: 4001 No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the 4002wind. 4003% 4004First Law of Procrastination: 4005 Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility 4006for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed 4007the deadline). 4008% 4009First Law of Socio-Genetics: 4010 Celibacy is not hereditary. 4011% 4012First Rule of History: 4013 History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each 4014other. 4015% 4016First things first -- but not necessarily in that order 4017 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who" 4018% 4019First, a few words about tools. 4020 4021Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of 4022the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously 4023injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If 4024you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look 4025particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for 4026granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face. 4027 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 4028% 4029Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. 4030 -- Robert Firth 4031% 4032FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when 4033the little hand is on the .... 4034% 4035Flon's Law: 4036 There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is 4037the least bit difficult to write bad programs. 4038% 4039Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her 4040husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my 4041joules!" 4042 4043"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux 4044a moment. Perhaps they're mislead." 4045 4046"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them 4047in my burette ... We must call a copper." 4048 4049Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms, 4050said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name 4051of Lawrence Ium. 4052 4053"We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and 4054dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can 4055catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an 4056activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ... 4057 -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations" 4058% 4059flowchart, n. & v.: 4060 [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart 4061"a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."] 40621. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction 4063problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation 4064using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic 4065doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for 4066wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A 4067thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's 4068Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce 4069flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate 4070(a problem) with esoteric cartoons. 4071 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 4072% 4073Flugg's Law: 4074 When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the 4075world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. 4076% 4077Flying saucers on occasion 4078 Show themselves to human eyes. 4079Aliens fume, put off invasion 4080 While they brand these tales as lies. 4081% 4082Fog Lamps, n.: 4083 Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the 4084fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the 4085driver's brain is in a fog. 4086 4087See also "Idiot Lights". 4088% 4089Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing. 4090 -- Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo" 4091% 4092For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ... 4093% 4094For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a 4095cat. 4096% 4097For an adequate time call 555-3321. 4098% 4099For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be 4100always old-fashioned. 4101% 4102For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, 4103and wrong. 4104 -- H. L. Mencken 4105% 4106For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. 4107 -- R. Clopton 4108% 4109 "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence 4110of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind." 4111 4112 "Whose?" 4113 4114 "MINE! HA-HA!" 4115% 4116For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two. 4117% 4118For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire 4119life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days 4120now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets 4121when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch 4122in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have 4123the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which 4124means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are 4125advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are 4126the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their 4127names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot 4128("part of this complete breakfast"). 4129 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" 4130% 4131For perfect happiness, remember two things: 4132 (1) Be content with what you've got. 4133 (2) Be sure you've got plenty. 4134% 4135For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say 4136"Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something. 4137 -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to 4138 the U.S. 4139% 4140For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz. 4141% 4142For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of 4143a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last step of doing away with 4144computers altogether? 4145 -- Jehan Shuman 4146% 4147For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like. 4148 -- Abraham Lincoln 4149% 4150For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but 4151phone calls taper off. 4152 -- Johnny Carson 4153% 4154For years a secret shame destroyed my peace -- 4155I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. 4156But now I think a thought that brings me hope: 4157Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope. 4158 -- Justin Richardson 4159% 4160For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH! 4161% 4162Forgetfulness, n.: 4163 A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their 4164destitution of conscience. 4165% 4166Forms follow function, and often obliterate it. 4167% 4168FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS! #6 4169 4170RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min. 4171 One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and 4172 arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating 4173 hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison. 4174% 4175fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate: 4176 4177 I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine. 4178 "Hey you, get off my plate" 4179 -- Roger Midnight 4180% 4181Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week: 4182 "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?" 4183% 4184Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month): 4185 4186 Don't Write On Walls! 4187 4188 (and underneath) 4189 4190 You want I should type? 4191% 4192Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky): 4193 No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this 4194State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed 4195with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females 4196weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it 4197apply to female horses. 4198% 4199Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful 4200Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an 4201impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and 4202clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following 4203exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan. 4204 4205DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are 4206 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams. 4207HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters? 4208DINGELL: They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter 4209 is that female oysters through their living habits cast out 4210 large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large 4211 amounts of fertilization ... 4212HOFFMAN: Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many 4213 teenagers who read The Congressional Record. 4214% 4215Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week: 4216 4217 Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige. 4218% 4219FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS #14 4220 4221Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good 4222liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert and 4223light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything 4224drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck. 4225% 4226Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18: 4227 4228Q: Are you married? 4229A: No, I'm divorced. 4230Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him? 4231A: A lot of things I didn't know about. 4232% 4233Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19: 4234 4235Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? 4236A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. 4237% 4238Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29: 4239 4240THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present 4241 information and prejudice from your minds, if you have 4242 any ... 4243% 4244Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32: 4245 4246Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? 4247A: I will be three months November 8th. 4248Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? 4249A: Yes. 4250Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time? 4251% 4252Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37: 4253 4254Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears? 4255A: No. 4256Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears? 4257A: Picking them up in the air. 4258Q: Where was the dog at this time? 4259A: Attached to the ears. 4260% 4261Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3: 4262 4263Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were 4264 able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to 4265 go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with 4266 him to the station? 4267MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. 4268% 4269Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41: 4270 4271Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? 4272A: By death. 4273Q: And by whose death was it terminated? 4274% 4275Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52: 4276 4277Q: What is your name? 4278A: Ernestine McDowell. 4279Q: And what is your marital status? 4280A: Fair. 4281% 4282Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7: 4283 4284Q: What happened then? 4285A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify 4286 me." 4287Q: Did he kill you? 4288A: No. 4289% 4290fortune: CPU time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped. 4291% 4292Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai 4293sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles. 4294 4295Oh, and have a nice day! 4296 -- Bryce Nesbitt '84 4297% 4298Fourth Law of Applied Terror: 4299 The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology 4300instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. 4301 4302Corollary: 4303 Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do 4304except study for that instructor's course. 4305% 4306Fourth Law of Revision: 4307 It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about 4308interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you. 4309% 4310Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not 4311almost one, it is damn near zero. 4312 -- David Ellis 4313% 4314Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a 4315policeman's tie. 4316% 4317Fresco's Discovery: 4318 If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored. 4319% 4320Friends, Romans, Hipsters, 4321Let me clue you in; 4322I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him. 4323The square kicks some cats are on stay with them; 4324The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus 4325Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes; 4326If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea, 4327And, like, old Caesar really set them straight. 4328Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat; 4329So are they all, all cool cats, -- 4330Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down. 4331% 4332Frisbeetarianism, n.: 4333 The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and 4334gets stuck. 4335% 4336Frobnicate, v.: 4337 To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ. 4338Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a 4339frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK 4340sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless 4341manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse 4342search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is 4343turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it 4344he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the 4345screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because 4346turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it. 4347% 4348Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.: 4349 An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to 4350electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to 4351FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and 4352FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl. 4353FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure 4354via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be 4355applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures. 4356% 4357[From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology 4358Association, in Rome]: 4359 4360The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria 4361and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not 4362spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods, 4363or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in 4364millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have 4365reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology 4366engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general, 4367president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social 4368schizophrenia in mass genocide. 4369% 4370From the "Guiness Book of World Records", 1973: 4371 4372Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and 4373the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the 4374Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his 4375candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground 4376nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts, 4377other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not 4378qualify as nuts (unground)(other than ground nuts) by reason of their 4379being nuts (unground)." 4380% 4381From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was 4382convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. 4383 -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults" 4384% 4385[From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made 4386in Japan]: 4387 4388The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT 4389MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is 4390featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality 4391against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design", 4392"flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00 4393Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile 4394operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc. 4395 4396And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help 4397achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by 4398HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being. 4399% 4400From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the 4401instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new 4402experience in sound: 4403 4404 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading 4405 sound is normal for this type of connector. 4406% 4407From too much love of living, 4408From hope and fear set free, 4409We thank with brief thanksgiving, 4410Whatever gods may be, 4411That no life lives forever, 4412That dead men rise up never, 4413That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea. 4414 -- Swinburne 4415% 4416Fuch's Warning: 4417 If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well 4418enough to travel. 4419% 4420Fudd's First Law of Opposition: 4421 Push something hard enough and it will fall over. 4422% 4423Furbling, v.: 4424 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank 4425even when you are the only person in line. 4426 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 4427% 4428Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. 4429 -- H. H. Williams 4430% 4431Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening. 4432% 4433G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One 4434of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his 4435secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says 4436`No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And 4437that's your chance, my boy." 4438% 4439Garbage In -- Gospel Out. 4440% 4441Garter, n.: 4442 An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her 4443stockings and desolating the country. 4444 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 4445% 4446Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall 4447on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!! 4448 -- Adventures of Asterix 4449% 4450Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". 4451 4452 Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound 4453than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: 4454 "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." 4455Obvious, isn't it? 4456 Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start 4457speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as 4458long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all 4459your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and 4460so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed 4461individuals and then grow ... 4462 Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those 4463signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when 4464everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on 4465the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs 4466backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I 4467think not, my friend, I think not. 4468 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 4469% 4470 "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an 4471extracurricular activity except you." 4472 "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?" 4473 "Only to ten, Mudhead." 4474 -- The Firesign Theatre 4475% 4476Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore. 4477% 4478GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) 4479 You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you 4480because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much 4481for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for 4482committing incest. 4483% 4484GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20) 4485 Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while 4486you can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise 4487and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short 4488trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room. 4489% 4490Genderplex, n.: 4491 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to 4492determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and 4493tortoises). 4494 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 4495% 4496Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why 4497you should. 4498% 4499Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus 4500handicapped. 4501 -- Elbert Hubbard 4502% 4503Genius, n.: 4504 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with 4505"bright". 4506% 4507George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0. 4508 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 4509% 4510George Orwell was an optimist. 4511% 4512George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to 4513have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend. 4514 -- Ashley Cooper 4515% 4516Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 4517 (1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong 4518 direction. 4519 (2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. 4520 (3) The energy required to change either one of these states 4521 will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so 4522 much as to make the task totally impossible. 4523% 4524Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. 4525% 4526 Get GUMMed 4527 --- ------ 4528The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 45291, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above 4530the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep 4531each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered 4532chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek 4533nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three 4534days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two 4535seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user- 4536friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is 4537Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis 4538"cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You 4539Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because 4540all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we 4541could tell them. 4542 -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84 4543% 4544Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children! 4545% 4546 -- Gifts for Children -- 4547 4548This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children, 4549because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months 4550and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday- 4551morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children 4552exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If 4553your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You 4554Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it 4555might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe 4556me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child 4557who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift. 4558 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 4559% 4560 -- Gifts for Men -- 4561 4562Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional 4563ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you 4564should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the 4565clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For 4566example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only 4567three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error, 4568that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh 4569at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?"). 4570So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several 4571years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will 4572pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. 4573 4574If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More 4575than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set 4576of tires. 4577 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 4578% 4579 Gimmie That Old Time Religion 4580We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids, 4581Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods, 4582I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids, 4583And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me! 4584 (chorus) (chorus) 4585 4586In the church of Aphrodite, 4587The priestess wears a see-through nightie, 4588She's a mighty righteous sightie, 4589And she's good enough for me! 4590 (chorus) 4591 4592CHORUS: Give me that old time religion, 4593 Give me that old time religion, 4594 Give me that old time religion, 4595 'Cause it's good enough for me! 4596% 4597Ginsberg's Theorem: 4598 (1) You can't win. 4599 (2) You can't break even. 4600 (3) You can't even quit the game. 4601 4602Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: 4603 Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem 4604 meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's 4605 Theorem. To wit: 4606 4607 (1) Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 4608 (2) Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. 4609 (3) Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game. 4610% 4611Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place 4612to stand, and I will drain the world. 4613% 4614Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war. 4615 -- Napoleon 4616% 4617Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities! 4618% 4619Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to 4620a new town. 4621% 4622Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. 4623% 4624Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying 4625around, I'd rather lie around. No contest. 4626 -- Eric Clapton 4627% 4628Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: 4629Languages whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP 4630machine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf. 4631 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 4632% 4633Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: 4634 Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the 4635probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some 4636useful work done. 4637% 4638Gnagloot, n.: 4639 A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to 4640impress people. 4641 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 4642% 4643Go 'way! You're bothering me! 4644% 4645Go climb a gravity well! 4646% 4647Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may 4648be in owning a piece thereof. 4649 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 4650% 4651//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH 4652% 4653God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six 4654days and then pulled an all-nighter. 4655% 4656God doesn't play dice. 4657 -- Albert Einstein 4658% 4659"God gives burdens; also shoulders" 4660 4661Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the 4662end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I 4663can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why 4664would he lie about a thing like that? 4665 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 4666% 4667God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ... 4668The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do 4669not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman 4670... not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on 4671smoking and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and 4672water is not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in 4673the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at 4674night! 4675 -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher 4676% 4677God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh. 4678% 4679God is a polytheist. 4680% 4681God is Dead 4682 -- Nietzsche 4683Nietzsche is Dead 4684 -- God 4685Nietzsche is God 4686 -- The Dead 4687% 4688God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's 4689% 4690God is real, unless declared integer. 4691% 4692God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the 4693elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying 4694other things. 4695 -- Pablo Picasso 4696% 4697God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. 4698 -- Alfred Jarry 4699% 4700God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. 4701% 4702God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. 4703% 4704God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board 4705 -- Mark Twain 4706% 4707God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. 4708 -- Kronecker 4709% 4710God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. 4711% 4712God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. 4713 -- Albert Einstein 4714% 4715God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them. 4716% 4717God rest ye CS students now, 4718Let nothing you dismay. 4719The VAX is down and won't be up, 4720Until the first of May. 4721The program that was due this morn, 4722Won't be postponed, they say. 4723 4724 Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, 4725 Comfort and joy, 4726 Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. 4727 4728The bearings on the drum are gone, 4729The disk is wobbling, too. 4730We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol 4731Can't tell false from true. 4732And now we find that we can't get 4733At Berkeley's 4.2. 4734 4735 (chorus) 4736% 4737Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to 4738school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a 4739person a car. 4740% 4741Gold, n.: 4742 A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It 4743is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who 4744immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold 4745hasn't done anything to them. 4746 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 4747% 4748Goldenstern's Rules: 4749 (1) Always hire a rich attorney. 4750 (2) Never buy from a rich salesman. 4751% 4752Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad 4753example. 4754 -- La Rochefoucauld 4755% 4756Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall. 4757% 4758Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. 4759% 4760Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school. 4761% 4762Good day to let down old friends who need help. 4763% 4764Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed. 4765% 4766Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. 4767% 4768Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day. 4769% 4770Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's 4771new lover. 4772% 4773Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored. 4774 -- George Saunders' dying words 4775% 4776Gordon's first law: 4777 If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing 4778well. 4779% 4780Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with 4781time travel, you never can tell. 4782 -- Doctor Who, "Androids of Tara" 4783% 4784Got Mole problems? 4785Call Avogadro 6.02 x 10^23 4786% 4787Goto, n.: 4788 A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers 4789to complain about unstructured programmers. 4790 -- Ray Simard 4791% 4792Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage. 4793 -- John Updike, "Couples" 4794% 4795Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are 4796different lies. 4797% 4798Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know 4799any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he 4800doesn't know much. 4801 -- Will Rogers 4802% 4803Grabel's Law: 4804 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2. 4805% 4806Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture. 4807% 4808Graduate life: It's not just a job. It's an indenture. 4809% 4810Grandpa Charnock's Law: 4811 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 4812% 4813Gravity is a myth: the Earth sucks. 4814% 4815Gray's Law of Programming: 4816 `_n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same 4817time as `_n' tasks. 4818 4819Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: 4820 `_n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `_n' trivial tasks. 4821% 4822Great minds run in great circles. 4823% 4824 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917 4825 4826On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then- 4827Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them 4828off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I 4829wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his 4830mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a 4831tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men 4832stood lookout. 4833% 4834Green light in A.M. for new projects. 4835Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets. 4836% 4837Greener's Law: 4838 Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. 4839% 4840Grelb's Reminder: 4841 Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above 4842average drivers. 4843% 4844Grub first, then ethics. 4845 -- Bertolt Brecht 4846% 4847Gurmlish, n.: 4848 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which 4849prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his 4850mouth. 4851 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 4852% 4853Gyroscope, n.: 4854 A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also 4855free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each 4856other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two 4857mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the 4858other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus 4859offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any 4860torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin. 4861 -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary 4862% 4863H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L. 4864Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude. 4865 -- Maxwell Bodenheim 4866% 4867H. L. Mencken's Law: 4868 Those who can -- do. 4869 Those who can't -- teach. 4870 4871Martin's Extension: 4872 Those who cannot teach -- administrate. 4873% 4874H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you, 4875 Slice him up before he slays you. 4876 Nothing makes you look a slob 4877 Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB). 4878 -- The Roguelet's ABC 4879% 4880Hacker's Law: 4881 The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a 4882nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. 4883% 4884Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge. 4885% 4886Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, 4887and you would not have been informed. 4888% 4889Hail to the sun god 4890He sure is a fun god 4891Ra! Ra! Ra! 4892% 4893Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big 4894enough majority in any town? 4895 -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn" 4896% 4897Half Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at all.) 4898% 4899Half-done: 4900 This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still 4901crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference 4902between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like 4903the difference between life and death. 4904 You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill 4905there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the 4906airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough 4907Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on 4908Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk 4909about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the 4910man, "Let me have a nice half-done." 4911 Worth the trouble, wasn't it? 4912 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 4913% 4914Hall's Laws of Politics: 4915 (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. 4916 (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something 4917 fixed. 4918 (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend 4919 military spending, and conservatives social spending in 4920 their own districts). 4921% 4922Hand, n.: 4923 A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and 4924commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. 4925 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 4926% 4927Hanlon's Razor: 4928 Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by 4929stupidity. 4930% 4931Hanson's Treatment of Time: 4932 There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days 4933before Saturday. 4934% 4935Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. 4936 -- Ogden Nash 4937% 4938Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. 4939 -- Oscar Levant 4940% 4941Happiness, n.: 4942 An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of 4943another. 4944 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 4945% 4946Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances? 4947% 4948Hardware, n.: 4949 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. 4950% 4951Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand 4952convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want. 4953 -- Tobias Smollet 4954% 4955Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark 4956The Duke is fond of kittens 4957He likes to take their insides out 4958And use them for his mittens 4959 From "The Thirteen Clocks" 4960% 4961Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, 4962Advertising wondrous things. 4963 -- Tom Lehrer 4964% 4965Harris's Lament: 4966 All the good ones are taken. 4967% 4968Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: 4969 Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment 4970ruined. 4971% 4972Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he 4973makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean 4974famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses 4975probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you 4976have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like 4977enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their 4978attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock 4979down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law, 4980just like Richard Nixon." 4981 -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob" 4982% 4983Hartley's First Law: 4984 You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float 4985on his back, you've got something. 4986% 4987Hartley's Second Law: 4988 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 4989% 4990Harvard Law: 4991 Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, 4992temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will 4993do as it damn well pleases. 4994% 4995"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?" 4996"Yes, I don't have one." 4997"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors ..." 4998 -- E. D'Azevedo, Computer Science 372 4999% 5000Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are 5001typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter 5002keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use 5003of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is 5004not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears. 5005% 5006 Has your family tried 'em? 5007 5008 POWDERMILK BISCUITS 5009 5010 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! 5011 5012 They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the 5013 strength to get up and do what needs to be done. 5014 5015 POWDERMILK BISCUITS 5016 5017 Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the 5018 biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains 5019 that indicate freshness. 5020% 5021Hatred, n.: 5022 A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's 5023superiority. 5024 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5025% 5026Have an adequate day. 5027% 5028Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is 5029to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a 5030non-cynical, or even an informative cookie? 5031 5032Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This 5033still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or 5034only serves to blunt the warning signs. 5035 5036 Long live the revolution! 5037 Have a nice day. 5038% 5039Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell 5040you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time 5041for play? 5042% 5043Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs, 5044I mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container 5045filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite 5046sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in 5047their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or 5048mass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything , which is why 5049they are able to produce "Laverne and Shirley" week after week. 5050 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 5051% 5052"Have you lived here all your life?" 5053"Oh, twice that long." 5054% 5055Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a 5056crack in your sidewalk? 5057% 5058Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline 5059sharply the minute they start waving guns around? 5060 -- Dr. Who 5061% 5062Have you reconsidered a computer career? 5063% 5064He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental 5065effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable 5066perversion. 5067 -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails" 5068% 5069He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions. 5070 -- Stephen Leacock 5071% 5072He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation 5073perfectly delightful. 5074 -- Sydney Smith 5075% 5076He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and 5077heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope 5078of ever behaving "normally." 5079 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" 5080% 5081He hadn't a single redeeming vice. 5082 -- Oscar Wilde 5083% 5084He is now rising from affluence to poverty. 5085 -- Mark Twain 5086% 5087He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered. 5088% 5089He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace. 5090 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic 5091% 5092He thought he saw an albatross 5093That fluttered 'round the lamp. 5094He looked again and saw it was 5095A penny postage stamp. 5096"You'd best be getting home," he said, 5097"The nights are rather damp." 5098% 5099He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue. 5100 -- Jonathan Swift 5101% 5102He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him insufferable. 5103% 5104He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes. 5105% 5106He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry 5107attacks democracy itself. 5108 -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS 5109% 5110He who Laughs, Lasts. 5111% 5112He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ... 5113% 5114He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be 5115there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter. 5116% 5117He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ... 5118% 5119HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. 5120SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their ___OWN brains. 5121 -- Walt Kelley 5122% 5123Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 5124% 5125Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying 5126of nothing. 5127 -- Redd Foxx 5128% 5129Heaven, n.: 5130 A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of 5131their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you 5132expound your own. 5133 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5134% 5135Heavy, adj.: 5136 Seduced by the chocolate side of the force. 5137% 5138Heisenberg may have slept here. 5139% 5140Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. 5141 -- Milton Friedman 5142% 5143Heller's Law: 5144 The first myth of management is that it exists. 5145 5146Johnson's Corollary: 5147 Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the 5148organization. 5149% 5150"Hello," he lied. 5151 -- Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent 5152% 5153Help a swallow land at Capistrano. 5154% 5155Help fight continental drift. 5156% 5157Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file! 5158% 5159Help stamp out and abolish redundancy. 5160% 5161Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70! 5162% 5163HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! 5164 -- E. E. CUMMINGS 5165% 5166Her locks an ancient lady gave 5167Her loving husband's life to save; 5168And men -- they honored so the dame -- 5169Upon some stars bestowed her name. 5170 5171But to our modern married fair, 5172Who'd give their lords to save their hair, 5173No stellar recognition's given. 5174There are not stars enough in heaven. 5175% 5176Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from 5177Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ... 5178% 5179Here I sit, broken-hearted, 5180All logged in, but work unstarted. 5181First net.this and net.that, 5182And a hot buttered bun for net.fat. 5183 5184The boss comes by, and I play the game, 5185Then I turn back to net.flame. 5186Is there a cure (I need your views), 5187For someone trapped in net.news? 5188 5189I need your help, I say 'tween sobs, 5190'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs. 5191% 5192Here in my heart, I am Helen; 5193 I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least. 5194I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"el; 5195 I'm Salome, moon of the East. 5196 5197Here in my soul I am Sappho; 5198 Lady Hamilton am I, as well. 5199In me R'ecamier vies with Kitty O'Shea, 5200 With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell. 5201 5202I'm all of the glamorous ladies 5203 At whose beckoning history shook. 5204But you are a man, and see only my pan, 5205 So I stay at home with a book. 5206 -- Dorothy Parker 5207% 5208Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical 5209lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach 5210your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. 5211Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in 5212pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, 5213but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an 5214important electrical lesson. 5215 5216It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed 5217your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small 5218objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will 5219attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and 5220collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your 5221friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the 5222carpet, thus completing the circuit. 5223 5224Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without 5225touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your 5226finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you 5227have carpeting. 5228 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 5229% 5230 Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the 5231month. According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people 5232are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China. 5233 The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either 5234(depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax 5235tadpole". 5236 Bite the wax tadpole. 5237 There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? 5238 The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's 5239hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to 5240bite a wax tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, 5241but broad satiric vistas do not open up. 5242 -- John Carroll, San Francisco Chronicle 5243% 5244Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 5245`Psychic Wins Lottery'? 5246 -- Jay Leno 5247% 5248Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs, 5249then they'd be algorithms. 5250% 5251Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??! 5252 -- W. C. Fields 5253% 5254Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person 5255reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes, 5256nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home. 5257% 5258"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. 5259As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of 5260equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. 5261Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you 5262probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of 5263course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my 5264experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out 5265of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser. 5266 5267"Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our 5268motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'" 5269 -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering" 5270% 5271Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich; 5272Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich. 5273Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws 5274Weil es uns duenkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head; 5275 We buried him today because 5276 As far as we can tell, he's dead. 5277 -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty-Sue 5278 Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher; 5279 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele 5280% 5281Higgledy Piggledy, 5282Hamlet of Elsinore 5283Ruffled the critics by 5284Dropping this bomb: 5285"Phooey on Freud and his 5286Psychoanalysis -- 5287Oedipus, Shmoedipus, 5288I just loved Mom." 5289% 5290Hindsight is an exact science. 5291% 5292Hippogriff, n.: 5293 An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. 5294The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. 5295The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which 5296is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full 5297of surprises. 5298 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5299% 5300Hire the morally handicapped. 5301% 5302His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had 5303money, he went to Southern California. 5304% 5305His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice. 5306 -- Foghorn Leghorn 5307% 5308His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier. 5309% 5310History is curious stuff 5311 You'd think by now we had enough 5312Yet the fact remains I fear 5313 They make more of it every year. 5314% 5315History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history. 5316% 5317History, n.: 5318 Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we 5319learn nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from 5320what happened this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long 5321view. 5322 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" 5323% 5324Hlade's Law: 5325 If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they 5326will find an easier way to do it. 5327% 5328Hoare's Law of Large Problems: 5329 Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. 5330% 5331Hofstadter's Law: 5332 It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take 5333Hofstadter's Law into account. 5334% 5335Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it. 5336 -- Rex Reed 5337% 5338 Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's 5339willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop 5340for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say 5341"shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home 5342centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas 5343trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise 5344because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every 5345object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ... 5346 Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the 5347broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has 5348a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the 5349inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the 5350same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at 5351an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of 5352these sometime around the middle of next week". 5353 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 5354% 5355Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories: 5356The ultimate in watchdog weaponry. 5357 -- Chris Shaw 5358% 5359Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. 5360% 5361Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. 5362 -- F. M. Hubbard 5363% 5364Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..." 5365% 5366Honk if you love peace and quiet. 5367% 5368Honorable, adj.: 5369 Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative 5370bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the 5371honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." 5372 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5373% 5374Horngren's Observation: 5375 Among economists, the real world is often a special case. 5376% 5377Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on 5378people. 5379 -- W. C. Fields 5380% 5381Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa. 5382% 5383Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed. 5384 -- Neil Armstrong 5385% 5386How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all? 5387% 5388How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers? 5389% 5390How come wrong numbers are never busy? 5391% 5392How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows. 5393% 5394How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? 5395 -- Elliot, "E.T." 5396% 5397How doth the little crocodile 5398 Improve his shining tail, 5399And pour the waters of the Nile 5400 On every golden scale! 5401 5402How cheerfully he seems to grin, 5403 How neatly spreads his claws, 5404And welcomes little fishes in, 5405 With gently smiling jaws! 5406 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland" 5407% 5408How doth the VAX's C compiler 5409Improve its object code. 5410And even as we speak does it 5411Increase the system load. 5412 5413How patiently it seems to run 5414And spit out error flags, 5415While users, with frustration, all 5416Tear their clothes to rags. 5417% 5418How I love to watch the morn, 5419 With golden sun that shines, 5420Up above to nicely warm 5421 These frosty toes of mine. 5422 5423The wind doth taste so bitter sweet, 5424 Like Jaspar wine and sugar, 5425It must have blown through someone's feet, 5426 Like those of ... Caspar Weinberger. 5427 -- P. Opus (Bloom County) 5428% 5429How doth the VAX's C-compiler 5430Improve its object code. 5431And even as we speak does it 5432Increase the system load. 5433 5434How patiently it seems to run 5435And spit out error flags, 5436While users, with frustration, all 5437Tear all their clothes to rags. 5438% 5439How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're 5440on. 5441% 5442How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 5443None: "We'll fix it in software." 5444 5445How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 5446None: "We'll document it in the manual." 5447 5448How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? 5449None: "The user can work it out." 5450% 5451How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being 5452carried by a waiter at a nice party? 5453 5454Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors 5455d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell 5456what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then 5457say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it 5458back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another 5459cheese!" and so on. 5460 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 5461% 5462 How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are 54633.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, 5464who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a 5465nanocentury. 5466 -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs 5467% 5468How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton? 5469 -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey 5470% 5471How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. 5472% 5473HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: 5474 #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces. 5475% 5476HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: 5477 #15 Your pet rock snaps at you. 5478% 5479HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: 5480 #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of you. 5481% 5482Howe's Law: 5483 Everyone has a scheme that will not work. 5484% 5485However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional 5486manner ... sulking and nausea. 5487 -- Tom K. Ryan 5488% 5489HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., 5490motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate 5491amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. 5492The Senate amendment was an amendment to the House amendment to the 5493Senate amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the 5494bill. The original Senate amendment was the conference agreement on 5495the bill. Agreed to. 5496 -- Albuquerque Journal 5497% 5498 Hug O' War 5499 5500I will not play at tug o' war. 5501I'd rather play at hug o' war, 5502Where everyone hugs 5503Instead of tugs, 5504Where everyone giggles 5505And rolls on the rug, 5506Where everyone kisses, 5507And everyone grins, 5508And everyone cuddles, 5509And everyone wins. 5510 -- Shel Silverstein 5511% 5512Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill. 5513% 5514Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 55151929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an 5516operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a urethral 5517catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of 5518his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took 5519the confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the 5520Nobel Prize. 5521% 5522Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs. 5523% 5524Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse. 5525 -- William Gilbert 5526% 5527Hurewitz's Memory Principle: 5528 The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional 5529to ..... to ........ uh .............. 5530% 5531I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a 5532professor or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any 5533other minority viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority. 5534 -- Richard M. Nixon 5535 5536What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism? 5537 -- Richard M. Nixon 5538% 5539I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder 5540have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products. 5541This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's 5542reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go 5543buy some more. 5544 -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM 5545% 5546I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work. 5547% 5548I am not an Economist. I am an honest man! 5549 -- Paul McCracken 5550% 5551I am not now, and never have been, a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger. 5552 -- Gloria Steinem 5553% 5554I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party. 5555 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 5556% 5557I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it. 5558 -- English Professor 5559% 5560I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the 5561great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. 5562 -- Winston Churchill 5563% 5564I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone 5565has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. 5566 -- English Professor, Ohio University 5567% 5568I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast 5569with an option to buy. 5570% 5571I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater. 5572% 5573I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, 5574of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell 5575you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial 5576atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something 5577inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering. 5578 -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan 5579% 5580I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of 5581the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for 5582you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway. 5583 -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy, 5584 University of Tennessee at Knoxville 5585% 5586I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an 5587argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and 5588steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, 5589they don't even invite me. 5590 -- Dave Barry 5591% 5592I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. 5593 -- G. K. Chesterton 5594% 5595I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. 5596 -- Will Rogers 5597% 5598I bet the human brain is a kludge. 5599 -- Marvin Minsky 5600% 5601I brake for chezlogs! 5602% 5603I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up. 5604 -- Biff Barf 5605% 5606I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan 5607prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very 5608bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after 5609relentless day. 5610 -- Betty MacDonald 5611% 5612I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself. 5613% 5614I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and 561525 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be 5616true. 5617 -- Harry S. Truman 5618% 5619I can resist anything but temptation. 5620% 5621I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. 5622 -- Joe Walsh 5623% 5624I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling. 5625 -- Florence Henderson 5626% 5627I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can 5628understand it. 5629 -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands. 5630% 5631I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a 5632novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. 5633 -- Fred Allen 5634% 5635I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions. 5636 -- Lillian Hellman 5637% 5638I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate 5639of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ... 5640 -- F. H. Wales (1936) 5641% 5642I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar. 5643 5644What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good 5645grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause 5646of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the 5647United States would have lost World War II." 5648 -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar" 5649% 5650 "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a 5651quavering voice. 5652 "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of 5653course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which 5654I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in 5655Elven-lore: 5656 5657 "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves, 5658 Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves. 5659 Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop, 5660 This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop. 5661 The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring. 5662 The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing. 5663 If broken or busted, it cannot be remade. 5664 If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)." 5665 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 5666% 5667I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights 5668instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is 5669standing still ... 5670 -- Steven Wright 5671% 5672I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather 5673dance with the cows till you come home. 5674 -- Groucho Marx 5675% 5676I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps 5677the time I found out that M&Ms really *do* melt in your hand ... 5678 -- Peter Oakley 5679% 5680I didn't know it was impossible when I did it. 5681% 5682I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. The 5683curtain was up. 5684% 5685 I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because 5686we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently 5687leads to violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, 5688in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had 5689time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the 5690library, we could call each other up: 5691 5692 You: Hello? Bob? 5693 Bob: Yes? 5694 You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you 5695 took last Thursday? Outside of Sears? 5696 Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed? 5697 You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is: 5698 "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait. 5699 I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill 5700 and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto 5701 the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to 5702 have to get back to you. 5703 Bob: Fine. 5704 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 5705% 5706I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an 5707exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to 5708minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary 5709accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a 5710mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the 5711bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always 5712different. 5713 -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.) 5714% 5715I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. 5716 -- Isaac Asimov 5717% 5718I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us 5719with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use. 5720 -- Galileo Galilei 5721% 5722I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should. 5723 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 5724% 5725I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians 5726don't believe in astrology. 5727 -- James R. F. Quirk 5728% 5729I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just 5730a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more 5731numbers!! 5732% 5733I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of 5734a frog jumping on my Breakfast. 5735 -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82 5736% 5737I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the 5738nominating. 5739 -- Boss Tweed 5740% 5741I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem. 5742 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 5743% 5744I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of 5745people waiting to abuse me. 5746 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" 5747% 5748I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. 5749 -- Elvis Presley 5750% 5751 "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said 5752 Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't -- 5753till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for 5754you!'" 5755 "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice 5756objected. 5757 "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful 5758tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor 5759less." 5760 "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean 5761so many different things." 5762 "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master-- 5763that's all." 5764 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 5765% 5766I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd 5767eat it, and I just hate it. 5768 -- Clarence Darrow 5769% 5770I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path. 5771 -- Ronald Mabbitt 5772% 5773I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the 5774streets and frighten the horses. 5775 -- Victor Hugo 5776% 5777I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!? 5778% 5779"I don't think so," said Ren'e Descartes. Just then, he vanished. 5780% 5781I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other 5782hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out. 5783% 5784I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that 5785the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is 5786thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists 5787broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake. 5788Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off 5789their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ... 5790 -- Davy Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE 5791 COMING!" 5792% 5793I doubt, therefore I might be. 5794% 5795I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business 5796on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment 5797he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual 5798becoming, with a goal in front and not behind. 5799 -- George Bernard Shaw 5800% 5801I drink to make other people interesting. 5802 -- George Jean Nathan 5803% 5804I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on, 5805so I woke up from sheer boredom. 5806% 5807I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the 5808accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For 5809the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that 5810can't be measured in monetary terms. 5811 5812Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have 5813that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by 5814subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should 5815someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly 5816understand his long delay. 5817% 5818I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words. 5819% 5820I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very 5821reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment. 5822 -- Gautama Buddha 5823% 5824I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *__________horrifying* 20 5825minutes of my life! 5826% 5827I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. 5828 -- Mae West 5829% 5830I get up each morning, gather my wits. 5831 Pick up the paper, read the obits. 5832If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. 5833 So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. 5834% 5835I get up each morning, gather my wits. 5836Pick up the paper, read the obits. 5837If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. 5838So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. 5839 5840Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent? 5841My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went. 5842But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin, 5843And think of the places my get-up has been. 5844 -- Pete Seeger 5845% 5846I had this sudden vision of a klein pizza containing all the mozarella 5847in the world. 5848 -- Peter da Silva 5849% 5850I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler 5851Moore show I heard the word 'damn'! 5852 -- Mary Lou Bax 5853% 5854I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense. 5855% 5856I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means 5857it's going to be up all night. 5858 -- Steven Wright 5859% 5860I hate quotations. 5861 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 5862% 5863I have a simple philosophy: 5864 5865 Fill what's empty. 5866 Empty what's full. 5867 Scratch where it itches. 5868 -- A. R. Longworth 5869% 5870I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it 5871any time! 5872% 5873I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, 5874which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'. 5875 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 5876% 5877I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth 5878and they never believe me. 5879 -- Camillo Di Cavour 5880% 5881I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it. 5882 -- Edgar Allan Poe 5883% 5884I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You 5885sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an 5886eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I 5887have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of 5888beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a 5889guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more 5890of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry. 5891 -- President Harry S. Truman 5892% 5893I have learned 5894To spell hors d'oeuvres 5895Which still grates on 5896Some people's n'oeuvres. 5897 -- Warren Knox 5898% 5899I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming 5900that I have never made one. 5901 -- James Gordon Bennett 5902% 5903I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to 5904make it shorter. 5905 -- Blaise Pascal 5906% 5907I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole 5908____BODY! 5909 -- from "Cerebus" #82 5910% 5911I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. 5912 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 5913% 5914I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. 5915 -- Oscar Wilde 5916% 5917I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it 5918scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it. 5919 -- Steven Wright 5920% 5921I have to convince you, or at least snow you ... 5922 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 5923% 5924I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking 5925his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell 5926beating up a child. 5927 -- Steven Wright 5928% 5929I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked 5930at in the right way, did not become still more complicated. 5931 -- Poul Anderson 5932% 5933I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere. 5934% 5935I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it. 5936% 5937I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!! 5938% 5939I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. 5940 -- Bill Hoest 5941% 5942I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once. 5943% 5944I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World 5945War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. 5946 -- Albert Einstein 5947% 5948I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! 5949The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building. 5950 -- Charles Schulz 5951% 5952I like being single. I'm always there when I need me. 5953 -- Art Leo 5954% 5955I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to 5956promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want 5957peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of 5958the way and let them have it. 5959 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 5960% 5961I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours. 5962% 5963I like your game but we have to change the rules. 5964% 5965I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what 5966entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils. 5967 -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson 5968% 5969"I love to eat them Smurfies 5970 Smurfies what I love to eat 5971 Bite they ugly heads off, 5972 Nibble on they bluish feet." 5973% 5974I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but 5975don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the 5976speed of light. 5977 -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk 5978% 5979I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. 5980 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 5981% 5982I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a 5983week sometimes to make it up. 5984 -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad" 5985% 5986I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts 5987% 5988I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do 5989was to go away. 5990% 5991I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like. 5992% 5993I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation. 5994 -- G. B. Shaw 5995% 5996I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis! 5997 -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus) 5998% 5999I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the 6000kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled 6001substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no 6002restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we 6003made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given 6004powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative 6005nerve disease. 6006 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" 6007% 6008I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow! 6009% 6010I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob. 6011 -- William F. Buckley 6012% 6013 "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of 6014that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put 6015more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it 6016might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not 6017otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be 6018otherwise.'" 6019 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland" 6020% 6021I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that 6022the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional 6023congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile 6024so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the 6025plumber. 6026 6027But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such 6028as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of 6029the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never 6030win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually 6031write about, such as nose-picking. 6032 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against 6033 Political Fallout" 6034% 6035I really hate this damned machine 6036I wish that they would sell it. 6037It never does quite what I want 6038But only what I tell it. 6039% 6040I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. 6041% 6042I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope 6043they do get 'em lowered enough so people can afford to pay 'em. 6044 -- Will Rogers 6045% 6046I see the eigenvalue in thine eye, 6047I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh. 6048Bernoulli would have been content to die 6049Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(phi)! 6050 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 6051% 6052I sent a letter to the fish, 6053I told them, "This is what I wish." 6054The little fishes of the sea, 6055They sent an answer back to me. 6056The little fishes' answer was 6057"We cannot do it, sir, because ..." 6058I sent a letter back to say 6059It would be better to obey. 6060But someone came to me and said 6061"The little fishes are in bed." 6062I said to him, and I said it plain 6063"Then you must wake them up again." 6064I said it very loud and clear, 6065I went and shouted in his ear. 6066But he was very stiff and proud, 6067He said "You needn't shout so loud." 6068And he was very proud and stiff, 6069He said "I'll go and wake them if ..." 6070I took a kettle from the shelf, 6071I went to wake them up myself. 6072But when I found the door was locked 6073I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked, 6074And when I found the door was shut, 6075I tried to turn the handle, But ... 6076 6077 "Is that all?" asked Alice. 6078 "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye." 6079 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 6080% 6081I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck. 6082 -- Graffito in Los Angeles 6083% 6084"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was 6085supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which 6086actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..." 6087 -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning 6088 Points in l'Amour" 6089% 6090I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full 6091house and four people died. 6092 -- Steven Wright 6093% 6094I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to 6095see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. 6096 -- Shirley Temple 6097% 6098I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do 6099too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which 6100direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After 6101much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot 6102tub to face is up. 6103 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 6104% 6105I think it is true for all _n. I was just playing it safe with _n >= 3 6106because I couldn't remember the proof. 6107 -- Baker, Pure Math 351a 6108% 6109I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it. 6110% 6111I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick 6112and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this 6113country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people 6114in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly 6115not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am. 6116 -- Monty Python 6117% 6118I think that I shall never see 6119A billboard lovely as a tree. 6120Perhaps, unless the billboards fall 6121I'll never see a tree at all. 6122 -- Ogden Nash 6123% 6124I think that I shall never see 6125A thing as lovely as a tree. 6126But as you see the trees have gone 6127They went this morning with the dawn. 6128A logging firm from out of town 6129Came and chopped the trees all down. 6130But I will trick those dirty skunks 6131And write a brand new poem called 'Trunks'. 6132% 6133I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple 6134to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the 6135farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light 6136into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from 6137the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing 6138off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the 6139color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on 6140out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars 6141singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors. 6142 -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club 6143% 6144I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown 6145... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think 6146we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today. 6147When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we 6148are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was 6149driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa 6150Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin, 6151were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous 6152conversation ... 6153 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 6154% 6155"I thought you were trying to get into shape." 6156"I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle." 6157% 6158 ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a 6159pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises! 6160 -- Winston Churchill 6161% 6162I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in 6163twenty minutes. It's about Russia. 6164 -- Woody Allen 6165% 6166I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure. 6167% 6168I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance. 6169% 6170I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. 6171% 6172I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my 6173body. Then I realized who was telling me this. 6174 -- Emo Phillips 6175% 6176I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere 6177near the place. 6178 -- Steven Wright 6179% 6180I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to 6181animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for 6182anything connected with society except that which makes the roads 6183safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men and women 6184warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer. 6185 -- Brendan Behan 6186% 6187I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St. 6188Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE 6189HAW"!!' 6190 -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County" 6191% 6192I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know 6193anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is 6194a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows 6195up. 6196 -- Will Rogers 6197% 6198I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I 6199put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured 6200what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I 6201should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to 6202get off my driveway. 6203 -- Steven Wright 6204% 6205I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I 6206didn't know. 6207 -- Mark Twain 6208% 6209I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending 6210their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to 6211buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike. 6212 -- Emile Henry Gauvreay 6213% 6214I was playing poker the other night ... with Tarot cards. I got a full 6215house and four people died. 6216 -- Steven Wright 6217% 6218I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything specific. 6219 -- Steven Wright 6220% 6221I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained 6222it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass 6223stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. 6224I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be 6225absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had 6226developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case. 6227Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's 6228temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I 6229chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to 6230the point where it would not run at all. 6231 -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black 6232 Holes and the Fate of Stars" 6233% 6234I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any 6235questions , I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the 6236speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen? 6237 6238He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work 6239for him then. 6240 -- Steven Wright 6241% 6242I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in 6243the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't 6244included. 6245 -- Steven Wright 6246% 6247I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the 6248statues that are in all the other museums. 6249 -- Steven Wright 6250% 6251I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that 6252it took seven others to beat him! 6253% 6254I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. 6255There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work. 6256 -- Gallagher 6257% 6258I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've 6259always worked for me. 6260 -- Hunter S. Thompson 6261% 6262I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. 6263% 6264I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got 6265to undo it. 6266% 6267I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat. 6268% 6269I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore. 6270% 6271I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in `Y.' 6272% 6273I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my blender. 6274% 6275I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my garage door. 6276% 6277I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from 6278Julian to Gregorian. 6279% 6280I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for 6281static cling. 6282% 6283I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered. 6284% 6285I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my 6286cottage cheese sculpture. 6287% 6288I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving. 6289% 6290I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma transplant. 6291% 6292I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night. 6293% 6294I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV. 6295% 6296I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never came back. 6297% 6298I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to stay tuned. 6299% 6300I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that 6301need worrying about. 6302% 6303I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. 6304% 6305I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, 6306carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia, 6307I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun. 6308 -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H 6309% 6310I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd 6311listen to it! 6312 -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire 6313% 6314I'll grant thee random access to my heart, 6315Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love; 6316And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove 6317And in our bound partition never part. 6318 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 6319% 6320I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob. 6321That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood. 6322 -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones] 6323% 6324I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from man. 6325% 6326I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me! 6327% 6328I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my sister. 6329% 6330I'm changing my name to Chrysler 6331I'm going down to Washington, D.C. 6332I'll tell some power broker 6333 What they did for Iacocca 6334Will be perfectly acceptable to me! 6335I'm changing my name to Chrysler, 6336I'm heading for that great receiving line. 6337When they hand a million grand out, 6338 I'll be standing with my hand out, 6339Yessir, I'll get mine! 6340 -- Tom Paxton 6341% 6342I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did. 6343% 6344I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to 6345die in. 6346 -- George McGovern 6347% 6348I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man. 6349 -- Fred Allen 6350% 6351I'm going to live forever, or die trying! 6352 -- Spider Robinson 6353% 6354... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a 6355KOSHER DELI!! 6356% 6357I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here? 6358 -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate 6359% 6360I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be 6361living apart. 6362 -- e. e. cummings 6363% 6364I'm N-ary the tree, I am, 6365N-ary the tree, I am, I am. 6366I'm getting traversed by the parser next door, 6367She's traversed me seven times before. 6368And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!) 6369Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!) 6370I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary. 6371N-ary the tree I am, I am, 6372N-ary the tree I am. 6373% 6374I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. 6375It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get. 6376% 6377I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life. 6378% 6379I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is 6380-- I could be just as proud for half the money. 6381 -- Arthur Godfrey 6382% 6383I'm rated PG-34!! 6384% 6385I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again ____REAL 6386soon ... 6387% 6388I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it 6389(your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage. 6390 -- English Professor, Providence College 6391% 6392I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, 6393I know the scientific names of beings animalculous; 6394In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, 6395I am the very model of a modern Major-General. 6396 -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance" 6397% 6398I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's lives 6399% 6400I've built a better model than the one at Data General 6401For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral 6402My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality; 6403My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality. 6404My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity, 6405You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity; 6406There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting; 6407My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting. 6408 6409I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point: 6410There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point, 6411Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral 6412I've built a better model than the one at Data General. 6413 6414 -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of 6415 "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance", 6416 by Gilbert & Sullivan) 6417% 6418I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand. 6419% 6420I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was 6421this little hole in the bottom ... 6422 -- John Croll 6423% 6424I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself. 6425% 6426I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. 6427 -- Groucho Marx 6428% 6429I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes 6430on the same day. 6431% 6432I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer. 6433% 6434I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer. 6435 -- Senator Claghorn 6436% 6437I've seen Sun monitors on fire off the side of the multimedia lab. 6438I've seen NTU lights glitter in the dark near the Mail Gate. 6439All these things will be lost in time, like the root partition last week. 6440Time to die... 6441 -- Peter Gutmann 6442% 6443I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness; 6444And from that full meridian of my glory 6445I haste now to my setting. I shall fall, 6446Like a bright exhalation in the evening 6447And no man see me more. 6448 -- William Shakespeare 6449% 6450IBM had a PL/I, 6451 Its syntax worse than JOSS; 6452And everywhere this language went, 6453 It was a total loss. 6454% 6455Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box 6456of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. 6457% 6458Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like 6459solitary confinement. 6460% 6461Idiot Box, n.: 6462 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the 6463stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. 6464 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 6465% 6466Idiot, n.: 6467 A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human 6468affairs has always been dominant and controlling. 6469 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 6470% 6471If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape 6472at about 30 miles/second. 6473 -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming 6474% 6475If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. 6476 -- Roy Santoro 6477% 6478If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far. 6479 -- Paul White 6480% 6481If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus 6482forecast is a camel's behind. 6483 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 6484% 6485If A equals success, then the formula is _A = _X + _Y + _Z. _X is work. _Y 6486is play. _Z is keep your mouth shut. 6487 -- Albert Einstein 6488% 6489If a group of _N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be _N-1 6490passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager. 6491 -- T. Cheatham 6492% 6493If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four 6494hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where 6495it votes guilty. 6496 -- Joseph C. Goulden 6497% 6498If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake 6499him up. 6500% 6501If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country. 6502% 6503If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have 6504dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to 6505maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it 6506must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf. 6507 -- Donald A. Metz 6508% 6509If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good 6510attitude. If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to 6511playing the game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- 6512unless, of course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager 6513can make goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry? 6514 -- Sparky Anderson 6515% 6516If all be true that I do think, 6517There be Five Reasons why one should Drink; 6518Good friends, good wine, or being dry, 6519Or lest we should be by-and-by, 6520Or any other reason why. 6521% 6522If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular 6523error. 6524 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 6525% 6526If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot 6527platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave 6528that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska. 6529% 6530If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. 6531 -- Paul Beatty 6532% 6533If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a 6534conclusion. 6535 -- William Baumol 6536% 6537If an S and an I and an O and a U 6538With an X at the end spell Su; 6539And an E and a Y and an E spell I, 6540Pray what is a speller to do? 6541Then, if also an S and an I and a G 6542And an HED spell side, 6543There's nothing much left for a speller to do 6544But to go commit siouxeyesighed. 6545 -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament" 6546% 6547If anything can go wrong, it will. 6548% 6549If at first you don't succeed, give up. No use being a damn fool. 6550% 6551If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. 6552% 6553If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four 6554tellers? 6555% 6556If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television? 6557% 6558If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from? 6559% 6560If everybody minded their own business, the world would go 6561around a deal faster. 6562 -- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass" 6563% 6564If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane. 6565% 6566... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with 6567the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls 6568asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ... 6569 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 6570% 6571If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three 6572to a can. 6573% 6574If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire. 6575% 6576If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet. 6577% 6578If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears. 6579% 6580If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads. 6581% 6582If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with 6583green, baggy skin. 6584% 6585If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. 6586% 6587If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to 6588invent it. 6589% 6590If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger 6591hands. 6592% 6593If God is dead, who will save the Queen? 6594% 6595If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions? 6596% 6597If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows. 6598 -- Yiddish saying 6599% 6600If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs? 6601 -- Marvin Kitman 6602% 6603If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be 6604replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET! 6605% 6606If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive! 6607 -- Samuel Goldwyn 6608% 6609If I don't drive around the park, 6610I'm pretty sure to make my mark. 6611If I'm in bed each night by ten, 6612I may get back my looks again. 6613If I abstain from fun and such, 6614I'll probably amount to much; 6615But I shall stay the way I am, 6616Because I do not give a damn. 6617 -- Dorothy Parker 6618% 6619If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture. 6620% 6621If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the 6622plantation and go home. 6623 -- Eugene P. Gallagher 6624% 6625If I had any humility I would be perfect. 6626 -- Ted Turner 6627% 6628If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith. 6629 -- Albert Einstein 6630% 6631If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the 6632shoulders of giants. 6633 -- Isaac Newton 6634 6635In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side 6636with the giants on whose shoulders we stand. 6637 -- Gerald Holton 6638 6639If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing 6640on my shoulders. 6641 -- Hal Abelson 6642 6643In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. 6644 -- Brian K. Reid 6645% 6646If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction. 6647 6648On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is 6649also a psychological interaction. 6650 6651The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so 6652friendly. 6653 6654The crucial point is if you can tell which is which. 6655 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 6656% 6657If I traveled to the end of the rainbow 6658As Dame Fortune did intend, 6659Murphy would be there to tell me 6660The pot's at the other end. 6661 -- Bert Whitney 6662% 6663If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? 6664% 6665If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune. 6666% 6667If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. 6668They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun 6669of it. 6670 -- Thomas Carlyle 6671% 6672If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they 6673forgot to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll 6674just think the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. 6675And if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* 6676pieces of mail get lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken! 6677And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa is down and 6678think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to 6679receive Net Mail ... 6680 -- Leith (Casey) Leedom 6681% 6682If life is a stage, I want some better lighting. 6683% 6684If little else, the brain is an educational toy. 6685 -- Tom Robbins 6686% 6687If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women 6688you've got in the house. 6689 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 6690% 6691If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by 6692the page number. 6693% 6694If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it. 6695% 6696If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think 6697little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and 6698Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination. 6699 -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859) 6700% 6701If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants. 6702 -- Albert Einstein 6703% 6704If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit 6705in my name at a Swiss bank. 6706 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 6707% 6708If only I could be respected without having to be respectable. 6709% 6710If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without 6711having to accomplish anything. 6712% 6713If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, 6714he should see how bad it is with representation. 6715% 6716If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of 6717arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the 6718physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker 6719entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability. 6720 -- Vannevar Bush 6721% 6722If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied 6723harder. 6724 -- Pope John Paul I 6725% 6726If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem. 6727 -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234 6728% 6729If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would 6730presumably flunk it. 6731 -- Stanley Garn 6732% 6733If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. 6734 -- Norm Schryer 6735% 6736If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to 6737get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. 6738See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving 6739the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting 6740that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The 6741college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious 6742and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to 6743rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective. 6744Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure 6745interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by 6746opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for 6747himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for 6748boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor. 6749 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 6750% 6751If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me! 6752 -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920) 6753% 6754If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances 6755are 50-50 it will. 6756% 6757If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. 6758If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. 6759If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance 6760will exceed all expectations. 6761 -- Reverend Chichester 6762% 6763If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams. 6764% 6765If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that 6766will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. 6767% 6768If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? 6769 -- Art Hoppe 6770% 6771If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make 6772something out of you. 6773 -- Muhammad Ali 6774% 6775If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it. 6776% 6777If this is timesharing, give me my share right now. 6778% 6779If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? 6780% 6781If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was 6782yesterday? 6783% 6784If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is 6785doing the thinking. 6786 -- Lyndon Baines Johnson 6787% 6788If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. 6789 -- Laurence J. Peter 6790% 6791If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely 6792% 6793If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage. 6794% 6795If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel 6796in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary 6797qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted. 6798 -- Marguerite Emmons 6799% 6800If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it? 6801 -- Ann Edwards-Duff 6802% 6803If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. 6804 -- J. Paul Getty 6805% 6806If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. 6807% 6808If you can read this, you're too close. 6809% 6810If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything. 6811% 6812If you can't be good, be careful. 6813If you can't be careful, give me a call. 6814% 6815If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. 6816% 6817If you cannot convince them, confuse them. 6818 -- Harry S. Truman 6819% 6820If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? 6821% 6822If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. 6823% 6824If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours. 6825 -- Clarence Day 6826% 6827If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter. 6828 -- Freeman Dyson 6829% 6830If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little 6831Lavoris in the toilet. 6832 -- Jay Leno 6833% 6834If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to 6835either of you for the rest of the day. 6836% 6837If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to 6838have to get a toehold in the public eye. 6839% 6840If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody 6841will. 6842% 6843If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it 6844will always do it. 6845 -- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin 6846% 6847If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is 6848make the rubble bounce. 6849 -- Winston Churchill 6850% 6851If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous. 6852% 6853If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. 6854% 6855If you have to hate, hate gently. 6856% 6857If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to 6858boot yourself in the posterior. 6859 -- A. J. Liebling, "The Press" 6860% 6861If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away. 6862% 6863If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. 6864 -- Graham Summer 6865% 6866If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few 6867people die past the age of a hundred. 6868 -- George Burns 6869% 6870If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; 6871but if you really make them think they'll hate you. 6872% 6873If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. 6874 -- Maslow 6875% 6876If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure 6877can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly 6878develop. 6879% 6880If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite 6881you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. 6882 -- Mark Twain 6883% 6884If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, 6885you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get 6886ice, but no cup. 6887% 6888If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But 6889this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is 6890somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it. 6891% 6892If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're 6893the sucker. 6894% 6895If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair. 6896% 6897If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. 6898 -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard 6899% 6900If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens 6901tomorrow! 6902% 6903If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car 6904payments. 6905 -- Earl Wilson 6906% 6907If you think technology can solve your security problems, then you 6908don't understand the problems and you don't understand the technology. 6909 -- Bruce Schneier 6910% 6911If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. 6912 -- Arthur Kasspe 6913% 6914If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest 6915shopping center in the world? 6916 -- Richard M. Nixon 6917% 6918If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would 6919be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call 6920you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw 6921another party next year. 6922 6923What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up 6924several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've 6925been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to 6926avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning 6927parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from 6928having another one ... 6929 6930If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless 6931your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas 6932through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure 6933that they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting 6934someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ... 6935 -- Dave Barry 6936% 6937If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them 6938end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable. 6939 -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten" 6940% 6941If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything. 6942 -- A. L. 6943% 6944If you want divine justice, die. 6945 -- Nick Seldon 6946% 6947If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people 6948he gave it to. 6949 -- Dorothy Parker 6950% 6951If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the 6952Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's 6953statecraft. Instead, read selected portions of the Washington 6954telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with 6955titles beginning with the word "National". 6956 -- George Will 6957% 6958If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every 6959word you say, talk in your sleep. 6960% 6961If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some 6962memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it, 6963even if they don't know what it means. 6964 -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party" 6965% 6966If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one. 6967% 6968If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for 6969tomorrow morning, sleep late. 6970 -- Henny Youngman 6971% 6972If you're happy, you're successful. 6973% 6974 If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs 6975around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace 6976explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The 6977"professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and 6978deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the 6979better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random 6980with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives 6981you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a 6982successful campaign for the U.S. Senate. 6983 And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself. 6984You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How 6985difficult can it be?" 6986 Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible, 6987which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying 6988other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up 6989yourself for far less money. This article can help you. 6990 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 6991% 6992If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. 6993% 6994If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory. 6995 -- Benjamin Disraeli 6996% 6997If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%? 6998% 6999If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it 7000off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe? 7001% 7002If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all. 7003 -- Ronald Reagan 7004% 7005Ignisecond, n.: 7006 The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car 7007door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!" 7008 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 7009% 7010Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux 7011 Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave, 7012Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex, 7013 Et le m^omerade horgrave. 7014 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 7015% 7016Iles's Law: 7017 There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly 7018at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it. 7019Neither will Iles. 7020% 7021Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the 7022land He's trying to ignore. 7023% 7024Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. 7025 -- Jules de Gaultier 7026% 7027Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the 7028usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody 7029thinks of complaining. 7030 -- Jef Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal 7031% 7032Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has 7033a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk 7034storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on 7035voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. 7036What's the first question that the computer community asks? 7037 7038"Is it PC compatible?" 7039% 7040Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. 7041 -- Jack Paar 7042% 7043Immortality -- a fate worse than death. 7044 -- Edgar A. Shoaff 7045% 7046Impartial, adj.: 7047 Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from 7048espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two 7049conflicting opinions. 7050 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7051% 7052Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the 7053mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the 7054Boss is reading it. 7055% 7056Impossible, adj.: 7057 (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve; 7058 (2) I can't be bothered; 7059 (3) God can't be bothered. 7060Meaning (3) may perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck. 7061 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" 7062% 7063In 1750 Issac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of 7064stairs. 7065% 7066In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled waffles. 7067% 7068In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't 7069get parts. 7070% 7071In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The 7072creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across. 7073% 7074In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred 7075syrup. 7076% 7077In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only 7078we can't control when the five year period will begin. 7079% 7080 In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, 7081junior, what are you up to?" 7082 "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the 7083rabbit. 7084 "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!" 7085 "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the 7086rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied 7087expression on his face. 7088 Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?" 7089 "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits 7090devour wolves." 7091 "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?" 7092 "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes 7093out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw. 7094Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody 7095should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting 7096next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox. 7097 7098The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important -- 7099it's your PhD advisor that really counts. 7100% 7101In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth" 7102Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex. 7103 -- Frank Mankiewicz 7104% 7105In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, 7106"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man." 7107 -- Mark Twain 7108% 7109In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground 7110with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call 7111this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf. 7112% 7113In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so 7114sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All 7115those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the 7116devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up 7117as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you. 7118 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 7119% 7120In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one 7121of the risks he takes. 7122 -- Adlai Stevenson 7123% 7124In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own 7125incompetency 7126 -- The Peter Principle 7127% 7128In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) 7129are to be treated as variables. 7130% 7131In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of 7132nations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir. 7133 -- Stuart Keate 7134% 7135In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own 7136at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public. 7137% 7138In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs. 7139% 7140In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools 7141will be temporarily canceled. 7142% 7143In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and 7144make it better. 7145% 7146In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle 7147a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order 7148to get her attention. 7149% 7150In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride 7151in any motor vehicle. 7152% 7153In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable. 7154 -- Winston Churchill, of Montgomery 7155% 7156In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door 7157neighbor. 7158% 7159In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset. 7160% 7161In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last 7162resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but 7163inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. 7164 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7165% 7166In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our 7167programming languages. 7168% 7169In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on 7170the sidewalks when a concert is on. 7171% 7172In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come 7173into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish 7174between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which 7175will only make it mushy. 7176 -- Mark Twain 7177% 7178In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your 7179pocket. 7180% 7181In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any 7182pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while 7183either flying or waiting to board a plane. 7184% 7185In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless 7186there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red 7187flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. 7188% 7189In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as 7190to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the 7191speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00. 7192% 7193In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the 7194universe. 7195 -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos 7196% 7197In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, 7198intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from 7199the cares of office. 7200 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7201% 7202In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds 7203and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane. 7204% 7205In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying 7206of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public 7207view." 7208% 7209In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space 7210Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways. 7211Our asymptotes no longer out of phase, 7212We shall encounter, counting, face to face. 7213 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 7214% 7215In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that 7216is over six feet in length. 7217% 7218In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way. 7219 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 7220% 7221In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian. 7222% 7223In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's. 7224% 7225In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a 7226moving automobile. 7227% 7228[In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You 7229could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense 7230that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ... 7231 7232And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory 7233over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we 7234didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no 7235point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; 7236we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave .... 7237 7238So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in 7239Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost 7240___see the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and 7241rolled back. 7242 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" 7243% 7244In the beginning was the word. 7245But by the time the second word was added to it, 7246there was trouble. 7247For with it came syntax ... 7248 -- John Simon 7249% 7250In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he sat 7251hacking at the PDP-6. "What are you doing?", asked Minsky. "I am 7252training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe." "Why is the 7253net wired randomly?", asked Minsky. "I do not want it to have any 7254preconceptions of how to play." Minsky shut his eyes. "Why do you 7255close your eyes?", Sussman asked his teacher. "So the room will be 7256empty." At that moment, Sussman was enlightened. 7257% 7258In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in 7259the proper order then why can't he? 7260% 7261In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful 7262Dead. 7263 -- Egyptian Book of the Dead 7264% 7265In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble. 7266 -- Alan Perlis 7267% 7268In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or 7269a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it 7270to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by 7271forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you 7272stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit 7273punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong 7274enough to punch you. 7275 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 7276% 7277In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has 7278shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the 7279Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million 7280three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years 7281from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. 7282... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such 7283wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of 7284fact. 7285 -- Mark Twain 7286% 7287In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to 7288drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at 7289discotheques. 7290 -- Art Linkletter 7291% 7292In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take 7293my advice. 7294 -- Winston Churchill 7295% 7296In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without 7297the supervision of a licensed engineer. 7298% 7299In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse 7300along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months. 7301% 7302Incumbent, n.: 7303 Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents. 7304 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7305% 7306... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves 7307smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is 7308not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery. 7309 -- Stephen Crane 7310% 7311Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares? 7312% 7313Individualists unite! 7314% 7315Infancy, n.: 7316 The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven 7317lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon 7318afterward. 7319 -- Ambrose Bierce 7320% 7321Information Center, n.: 7322 A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is 7323to tell you why you cannot have the information you require. 7324% 7325Ingrate, n.: 7326 A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of 7327indigestion. 7328% 7329Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. 7330 -- Martin Luther King, Jr. 7331% 7332Ink, n.: 7333 A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and 7334water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote 7335intellectual crime. 7336 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7337% 7338Innovation is hard to schedule. 7339 -- Dan Fylstra 7340% 7341Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. 7342% 7343Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the 7344salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon. 7345% 7346Interpreter, n.: 7347 One who enables two persons of different languages to 7348understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to 7349the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. 7350 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7351% 7352Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure. 7353% 7354I/O, I/O, 7355It's off to disk I go, 7356A bit or byte to read or write, 7357I/O, I/O, I/O 7358% 7359 INVENTORY 7360Four be the things I am wiser to know: 7361Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. 7362 7363Four be the things I'd been better without: 7364Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. 7365 7366Three be the things I shall never attain: 7367Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. 7368 7369Three be the things I shall have till I die: 7370Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye. 7371% 7372Iron Law of Distribution: 7373 Them that has, gets. 7374% 7375Irrationality is the square root of all evil 7376 -- Douglas Hofstadter 7377% 7378Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is 7379meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a 7380soap bubble? 7381% 7382Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the 7383beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get 7384out, and such as are out wish to get in? 7385 -- Ralph Emerson 7386% 7387Is your job running? You'd better go catch it! 7388% 7389Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction 7390listen to weather forecasts and economists? 7391 -- Kelvin Throop III 7392% 7393Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune 7394tellers take economists seriously? 7395% 7396Issawi's Laws of Progress: 7397 7398 The Course of Progress: 7399 Most things get steadily worse. 7400 7401 The Path of Progress: 7402 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. 7403% 7404It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working 7405as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he 7406had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked, 7407"What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed 7408Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival 7409came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer 7410this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the 7411Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so. 7412To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's 7413your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked, 7414"Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?" 7415% 7416It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown 7417came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and 7418applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I 7419think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the 7420wits, who believe that it is a joke. 7421 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855) 7422% 7423It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is 7424thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have 7425drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. 7426 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7427% 7428It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself 7429that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____only* by amusing oneself that 7430one can learn." 7431 -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman 7432% 7433It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have 7434been searching for evidence which could support this. 7435 -- Bertrand Russell 7436% 7437It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. 7438% 7439It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to 7440program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in 7441organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be 7442self-critical? 7443 -- Alan Perlis 7444% 7445It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of 7446Urbana, Illinois. 7447% 7448It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will 7449not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves 7450and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like 7451mature human beings ... 7452 -- Playboy, January 1983 7453% 7454It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a 7455pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the 7456sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color. 7457 -- Voltaire 7458% 7459It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what 7460they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always 7461assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had 7462achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- whilst 7463all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having 7464a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that 7465they were far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same 7466reasons. 7467 7468Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending 7469destruction of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to alert 7470mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were 7471misinterpreted ... 7472 7473 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 7474% 7475It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be 7476coming up it. 7477 -- Henry Allen 7478% 7479It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck? 7480One in a million, perhaps. 7481% 7482It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark 7483% 7484It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three 7485benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never 7486to use either. 7487 -- Mark Twain 7488% 7489It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both 7490incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by 7491twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. 7492 -- Rod Serling 7493% 7494It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is 7495lightly greased. 7496 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 7497% 7498It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its 7499proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community 7500a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to 7501treat your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the 7502focus of attention, the harder the task. 7503 -- Sydney J. Harris 7504% 7505It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa. 7506% 7507It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 7508% 7509It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one. 7510% 7511It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because 7512if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of 7513people. 7514 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 7515% 7516It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood 7517Boulevard at one time. 7518% 7519It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia. 7520% 7521It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry 7522a tune. 7523 -- Woody Allen 7524% 7525It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so 7526ingenious. 7527% 7528It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not 7529desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. 7530 -- Woody Allen 7531% 7532It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our 7533offense consists in doubting it. 7534 -- Justice Robert H. Jackson 7535% 7536It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the 7537problem. 7538% 7539It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be 7540privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to 7541corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles. 7542 -- George Bernard Shaw 7543% 7544It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. 7545 -- Gore Vidal 7546% 7547It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one 7548damn thing over and over. 7549 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay 7550% 7551It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is? 7552 -- Elizabeth Carpenter 7553% 7554It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit. 7555% 7556It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that 7557virginity could be a virtue. 7558 -- Voltaire 7559% 7560It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their 7561dignity. 7562% 7563It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared 7564to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great. 7565 -- Havelock Ellis 7566% 7567It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to 7568students that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential 7569programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of 7570regeneration. 7571 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 7572% 7573It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the 7574lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as 7575high as the eagle? 7576% 7577It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a 7578statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more 7579glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through 7580which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the 7581day, that is the highest of arts. 7582 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live" 7583% 7584It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad 7585crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed 7586until the other has gone. 7587% 7588It is the business of little minds to shrink. 7589 -- Carl Sandburg 7590% 7591It is the business of the future to be dangerous. 7592 -- Hawkwind 7593% 7594It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for 7595five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But 7596it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you. 7597% 7598It is very difficult to prophesy, especially when it pertains to the 7599future. 7600% 7601It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. 7602% 7603It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too 7604good either if you speak when your head is empty. 7605% 7606It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a 7607warning to others. 7608% 7609It runs like _x, where _x is something unsavory 7610 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 7611% 7612It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the 7613flag. 7614% 7615It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the 7616municipality. 7617 -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio 7618% 7619It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, 7620but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous. 7621 -- Robert Benchly 7622% 7623It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. 7624% 7625It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set foot. 7626% 7627It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a 7628breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was 7629broken ... 7630 -- James Dent 7631% 7632It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps 7633I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I 7634don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and 7635the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual 7636charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its 7637novelty .... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but 7638yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable 7639man a lifetime. 7640 -- Thomas Aldrich 7641% 7642 It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east 7643laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The 7644thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, 7645nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying 7646for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's. 7647 Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating 7648under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting 7649icepacks. 7650 -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 7651% 7652It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. It was more like 7653the rose and the teeth were in the same glass. 7654% 7655It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on 7656the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work. 7657% 7658It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human 7659nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant 7660examples. 7661 -- Charles Dickens 7662% 7663It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing 7664warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or 7665two things still safe to eat. 7666 -- Robert Fuoss 7667% 7668It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. 7669 -- Andrew Jackson 7670% 7671It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear. 7672 -- Cheers 7673% 7674It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for. 7675% 7676It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. 7677 -- Steven Wright 7678% 7679"It's a summons." 7680"What's a summons?" 7681"It means summon's in trouble." 7682 -- Rocky and Bullwinkle 7683% 7684It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead. 7685 -- Churchy La Femme 7686% 7687It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black. 7688% 7689It's bad luck to be superstitious. 7690 -- Andrew W. Mathis 7691% 7692It's better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all. 7693 -- Marty Winch 7694% 7695"It's easier said than done." 7696 7697... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than 7698said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than 7699said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than 7700done". 7701% 7702It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. 7703% 7704It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for 7705being right. 7706% 7707It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour! 7708 -- Macy's 7709% 7710It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse. 7711% 7712It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it 7713is. If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It 7714isn't our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. 7715 -- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News" 7716% 7717It's just a jump to the left 7718 And then a step to the right. 7719Put your hands on your hips 7720 And pull your knees in tight. 7721But it's the pelvic thrust 7722 That really drives you insa-a-a-a-a-ane! 7723 7724 LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! 7725 7726 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show 7727% 7728It's kind of fun to do the impossible. 7729 -- Walt Disney 7730% 7731"It's Like This" 7732 7733Even the samurai 7734have teddy bears, 7735and even the teddy bears 7736get drunk. 7737% 7738It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong 7739direction. 7740% 7741It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name. 7742% 7743It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre. 7744 -- Sam Goldwyn 7745% 7746It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how 7747to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair. 7748 -- George Burns 7749% 7750It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. 7751 -- Phil White 7752% 7753It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either. 7754 -- Kevin White, mayor of Boston 7755% 7756It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too. 7757 -- Alexander Korda 7758% 7759It's not just a computer -- it's your ass. 7760 -- Cal Keegan 7761% 7762It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's 7763what you're taking for it... 7764% 7765It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off 7766the ground. 7767 -- Daniel B. Luten 7768% 7769It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it 7770happens. 7771 -- Woody Allen 7772% 7773It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips. 7774 -- Garfield 7775% 7776It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that 7777English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many 7778other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case. 7779 -- Sydney J. Harris 7780% 7781It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ... 7782% 7783It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles. 7784% 7785It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the 7786Devil when he is the only explanation of it. 7787% 7788It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which 7789raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody 7790not to. 7791 -- Franklin P. Jones 7792% 7793It's the thought, if any, that counts! 7794% 7795 JACK AND THE BEANSTACK 7796 by Mark Isaak 7797 7798 Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL 7799character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their 7800hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices 7801are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some 7802BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it 7803to him. 7804 So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path, 7805he met the traveling salesman. 7806 "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman 7807in high-level language. 7808 "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips 7809and Apples," commented Jack. 7810 "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue 7811there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now." 7812 Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when 7813he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she 7814started thrashing. 7815 "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these 7816kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the 7817window ... 7818% 7819Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: 7820 No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the 7821legislature is in session. 7822% 7823James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total 7824indifference to public notice to be universally recognized. 7825 -- Tom Stoppard 7826% 7827Jenkinson's Law: 7828 It won't work. 7829% 7830Jesus Saves, 7831Moses Invests, 7832But only Buddha pays Dividends. 7833% 7834Job Placement, n.: 7835 Telling your boss what he can do with your job. 7836% 7837Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes! 7838% 7839Johnson's First Law: 7840 When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the 7841most inconvenient possible time. 7842% 7843Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called 7844"Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do 7845anything loses. 7846% 7847Join the march to save individuality! 7848% 7849Jone's Law: 7850 The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone 7851to blame it on. 7852% 7853Jone's Motto: 7854 Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. 7855% 7856Jones's First Law: 7857 Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of 7858endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an obstruction 7859to its progress -- in direct proportion to the importance of their 7860original contribution. 7861% 7862Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac 7863(and nobody cares about it). 7864 -- Bill Joy 6/21/85 7865% 7866Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good 7867solutions seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires 7868one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the 7869winner. The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is 7870because neither side has all the facts. Therefore, when the wise 7871mediator effects a compromise, he is not acting from political 7872motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep sense of respect for the 7873whole truth. 7874 -- Stephen R. Schwambach 7875% 7876Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has 7877changed. 7878 -- Irene Peter 7879% 7880Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you. 7881% 7882Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he 7883knows what it is. 7884% 7885Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you 7886get a prompt, type like hell. 7887% 7888Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't 7889immune to bullets. 7890 -- The Brigader, "Dr. Who" 7891% 7892Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some 7893of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated? 7894 -- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US 7895% 7896Just remember, it all started with a mouse. 7897 -- Walt Disney 7898% 7899Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to 7900twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty! 7901% 7902`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried, 7903 As he landed his crew with care; 7904Supporting each man on the top of the tide 7905 By a finger entwined in his hair. 7906 7907'Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice: 7908 That alone should encourage the crew. 7909Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice: 7910 What I tell you three times is true.' 7911% 7912Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a 7913faster rat!!! 7914% 7915Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven! 7916 -- Michael J. Wagner 7917% 7918Justice is incidental to law and order. 7919 -- J. Edgar Hoover 7920% 7921Justice, n.: 7922 A decision in your favor. 7923% 7924K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining; 7925 Cobol's wordy and confining; 7926 KOBOLDS topple when you strike them; 7927 Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them. 7928 -- The Roguelet's ABC 7929% 7930Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to 7931wear tail lights. 7932% 7933Katz' Law: 7934 Man and nations will act rationally when all other 7935possibilities have been exhausted. 7936% 7937Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans. 7938% 7939Keep Cool, but Don't Freeze 7940 - Hellman's Mayonnaise 7941% 7942Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis. 7943% 7944Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo. 7945% 7946Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee: 7947 (1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc 7948 straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this 7949 force is technically termed "car suck"). 7950 (2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive 7951 than "Watch this!" 7952% 7953Keep your Eye on the Ball, 7954Your Shoulder to the Wheel, 7955Your Nose to the Grindstone, 7956Your Feet on the Ground, 7957Your Head on your Shoulders. 7958Now ... try to get something DONE! 7959% 7960Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most 7961automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the 7962numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the 7963driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the 7964dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know 7965what's wrong." 7966% 7967Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: 7968 Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students, 7969and parking for the faculty. 7970% 7971Kids have *_____never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could 7972travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the 7973original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate 7974teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for 7975grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate 7976teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves. 7977 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do" 7978% 7979Kin, n.: 7980 An affliction of the blood. 7981% 7982Kinkler's First Law: 7983 Responsibility always exceeds authority. 7984 7985Kinkler's Second Law: 7986 All the easy problems have been solved. 7987% 7988Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack. 7989% 7990Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through 7991any of its streets. 7992% 7993Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. 7994% 7995Kiss your keyboard goodbye! 7996% 7997Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within. 7998% 7999Kleptomaniac, n.: 8000 A rich thief. 8001 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8002% 8003Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A. 8004% 8005Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. 8006 -- Henry N. Camp 8007% 8008Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr): 8009 The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. 8010 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 8011% 8012Labor, n.: 8013 One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. 8014 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8015% 8016Lackland's Laws: 8017 (1) Never be first. 8018 (2) Never be last. 8019 (3) Never volunteer for anything 8020% 8021Lactomangulation, n.: 8022 Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly 8023that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. 8024 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 8025% 8026Ladybug, ladybug, 8027Look to your stern! 8028Your house is on fire, 8029Your children will burn! 8030So jump ye and sing, for 8031The very first time 8032The four lines above 8033Have been put into rhyme. 8034 -- Walt Kelly 8035% 8036Laetrile is the pits 8037% 8038Langsam's Laws: 8039 (1) Everything depends. 8040 (2) Nothing is always. 8041 (3) Everything is sometimes. 8042% 8043Larkinson's Law: 8044 All laws are basically false. 8045% 8046Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with 8047was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting 8048pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the 8049farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their 8050sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do 8051you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her? 8052What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead 8053of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under 8054the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops 8055whatsoever. They probably got by on federal crop supports, which 8056Lassie filed the applications for. 8057 -- Dave Barry 8058% 8059Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment 8060had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate. I told this to 8061my friend -- he said, `Do I know you?' 8062 -- Steven Wright 8063% 8064Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police 8065record. I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense 8066of humor. 8067% 8068Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won. 8069% 8070Laugh at your problems; everybody else does. 8071% 8072Laughter is the closest distance between two people." 8073 -- Victor Borge 8074% 8075Law of Communications: 8076 The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications 8077between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of 8078misunderstanding. 8079% 8080Law of Probable Dispersal: 8081 Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly 8082distributed. 8083% 8084Law of Selective Gravity: 8085 An object will fall so as to do the most damage. 8086 8087Jenning's Corollary: 8088 The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is 8089directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. 8090 8091Law of the Perversity of Nature: 8092 You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the 8093bread to butter. 8094% 8095Laws of Serendipity: 8096 8097 (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for 8098 something. 8099 (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already 8100 be engaged in making an inferior one. 8101% 8102Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: 8103 No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- 8104approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. 8105% 8106Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads. 8107% 8108Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and 8109everything else follows in the same way. 8110 -- Alan J. Perlis 8111% 8112Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. 8113% 8114Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the 8115fun? 8116% 8117Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907: 8118 "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour 8119unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a 8120drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he 8121can." 8122% 8123Leibowitz's Rule: 8124 When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you 8125hold the hammer with both hands. 8126% 8127LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) 8128 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are 8129 pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike 8130 honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people 8131 are thieves. 8132% 8133LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) 8134 Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. 8135 Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because 8136 you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of 8137 fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got 8138 a sick sense of humor. 8139% 8140Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday. 8141% 8142Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a 8143number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash 8144and another number. 8145 -- James Estes 8146% 8147Let us live!!! 8148Let us love!!! 8149Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!! 8150 8151You first. 8152% 8153Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every 8154relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you 8155really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the 8156end. For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the 8157qualities I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and 8158bossy ... Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind 8159his back. 8160 -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn 8161% 8162Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick 8163your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as 8164Mental Anguish. You would sue: 8165 8166* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions 8167 section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand 8168 into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls 8169 in there". 8170 8171* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious 8172 cretin like yourself. 8173 8174* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this 8175 case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you 8176 a large cash settlement anyway. 8177 -- Dave Barry 8178% 8179Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often 8180overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of 8181dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your 8182tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to 8183spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe 8184money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will 8185probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? 8186It's not his money. 8187 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 8188% 8189LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London) 8190 8191Dear Sir, 8192 8193I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or 8194to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in 8195public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result 8196in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn 8197will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed 8198agricultural industry. 8199 8200Yours faithfully, 8201 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P. 8202 Sevenoaks 8203% 8204Lewis's Law of Travel: 8205 The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to 8206anyone, ever. 8207% 8208Liar, n.: 8209 A lawyer with a roving commission. 8210 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8211% 8212Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have. 8213 -- Harry Emerson Fosdick 8214% 8215LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22) 8216 Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your 8217 desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and 8218 polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that. 8219% 8220LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22) 8221 You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with 8222 reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. 8223 Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most 8224 Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal 8225 disease. 8226% 8227Lie, n.: 8228 A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one 8229discovered to date. 8230% 8231Lieberman's Law: 8232 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. 8233% 8234Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. 8235% 8236Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string. 8237% 8238Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to 8239eat it nevertheless. 8240 -- Flaubert 8241% 8242Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it. 8243% 8244Life is like a simile. 8245% 8246Life is like an analogy. 8247% 8248Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find 8249there is nothing in it. 8250% 8251Life is too important to take seriously. 8252 -- Corky Siegel 8253% 8254Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of 8255which I disapprove. 8256% 8257Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility. 8258 -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie 8259% 8260Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it 8261weren't for other people. 8262 -- Blore 8263% 8264Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. 8265% 8266Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it. 8267 -- Marvin, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 8268% 8269Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made 8270sense from things she found in gift shops. 8271 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 8272% 8273Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking 8274for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. 8275 -- Alan McKay 8276% 8277Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations. 8278% 8279Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe 8280 we should think only about today. 8281Charlie Brown: 8282 No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get 8283 better. 8284% 8285Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night. 8286 -- Candice Bergen 8287% 8288Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip 8289around the Sun. 8290% 8291Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted 8292before. 8293% 8294Lizzie Borden took an axe, 8295And plunged it deep into the VAX; 8296Don't you envy people who 8297Do all the things ___YOU want to do? 8298% 8299Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these 8300interest rates, we don't need it." 8301% 8302Lobster: 8303 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are 8304squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the 8305only proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to 8306eliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial 8307before they're cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most 8308ferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime 8309in the reefs. Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its 8310unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of 8311the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, 8312"Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a 8313memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe 8314at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. 8315Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be, 8316too. 8317 -- Dave Barry, "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and 8318 Utensils into Excuses and Apologies" 8319% 8320Lockwood's Long Shot: 8321 The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't 8322one in a million, but once would be enough. 8323% 8324Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____awful*. 8325% 8326... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and 8327legally ... impeccable! 8328% 8329Logicians have but ill defined 8330As rational the human kind. 8331Logic, they say, belongs to man, 8332But let them prove it if they can. 8333 -- Oliver Goldsmith 8334% 8335Look out! Behind you! 8336% 8337Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us 8338to pay income taxes, too? 8339 -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox 8340% 8341Loose bits sink chips. 8342% 8343Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying 8344"BOOGA, BOOGA!" 8345% 8346Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy. 8347% 8348Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in 8349Halstead, Kansas. 8350% 8351Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. 8352% 8353Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the 8354world has ever seen. 8355% 8356Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder. 8357 -- Sigmund Freud 8358% 8359Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it 8360flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come. 8361 -- Matt Groening 8362% 8363Love is a word that is constantly heard, 8364Hate is a word that is not. 8365Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. 8366Love, I have read, is hot. 8367But hate is the verb that to me is superb, 8368And Love but a drug on the mart. 8369Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, 8370But Hating, my boy, is an Art. 8371 -- Ogden Nash 8372% 8373Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with 8374the ideal never goes unpunished. 8375 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 8376% 8377Love is sentimental measles. 8378% 8379Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 8380 -- H. L. Mencken 8381% 8382Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes. 8383% 8384Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood. 8385 -- Louise Beal 8386% 8387Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to. 8388% 8389 Love's Drug 8390 8391My love is like an iron wand 8392 That conks me on the head, 8393My love is like the valium 8394 That I take before my bed, 8395My love is like the pint of scotch 8396 That I drink when I be dry; 8397And I shall love thee still, my dear, 8398 Until my wife is wise. 8399% 8400Lowery's Law: 8401 If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing 8402anyway. 8403% 8404LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand. 8405% 8406Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: 8407 There's always one more bug. 8408% 8409Lunatic Asylum, n.: 8410 The place where optimism most flourishes. 8411% 8412Lysistrata had a good idea. 8413% 8414MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into 8415the smallest amount of thoughts. 8416 -- Winston Churchill 8417% 8418Machine-Independent, adj.: 8419 Does not run on any existing machine. 8420% 8421Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate, 8422and play games -- but not with pleasure. 8423 -- Leo Rosten 8424% 8425Mad, adj.: 8426 Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. 8427 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8428% 8429Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them 8430first for seven hours, they always come out tender. 8431 -- W. C. Fields 8432% 8433MAFIA, n: 8434 [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance 8435Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore 8436subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is 8437rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy 8438reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP 8439operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that 8440MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped 8441variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex 8442security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a 8443more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an 8444imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES 8445options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay. 8446Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a 8447powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and 8448entire nodal aggravations. 8449 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 8450% 8451Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism. 8452 8453Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet. 8454 8455The two definition immediately preceding are condensed from the works 8456of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject 8457with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human 8458knowledge. 8459 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8460% 8461Magnocartic, adj.: 8462 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts. 8463 -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" 8464% 8465Magpie, n.: 8466 A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it 8467might be taught to talk. 8468 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8469% 8470Maier's Law: 8471 If the facts don't conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. 8472 8473Corollaries: 8474 (1) The bigger the theory, the better. 8475 (2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 8476 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to 8477 obtain a correspondence with the theory. 8478% 8479Main's Law: 8480 For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. 8481% 8482Maintainer's Motto: 8483 If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. 8484% 8485Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly 8486 as one man. 8487 8488Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. 8489 8490Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. 8491 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8492% 8493Majority, n.: 8494 That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. 8495% 8496Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist! 8497% 8498Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users 8499tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It 8500has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is 8501the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files. 8502 -- System V.2 administrator's guide 8503% 8504Malek's Law: 8505 Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. 8506% 8507Man 1: Ask me what the most important thing about telling a good 8508 joke is. 8509 8510Man 2: OK, what is the most impo -- 8511 8512Man 1: ______TIMING! 8513% 8514Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. 8515 -- Lily Tomlin 8516% 8517Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called 8518upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. 8519 -- Oscar Wilde 8520% 8521Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the 8522only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. 8523 -- Wernher von Braun 8524% 8525Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. 8526 -- Mark Twain 8527% 8528Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the 8529victims he intends to eat until he eats them. 8530 -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902) 8531% 8532Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it 8533is an enemy. 8534 -- Albert Einstein 8535% 8536Man, n.: 8537 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks 8538he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief 8539occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, 8540however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole 8541habitable earth and Canada. 8542 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8543% 8544Mandrell: "You know what I think?" 8545Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you 8546 don't think, right?" 8547 -- Dr. Who 8548% 8549Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history, 8550dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive 8551man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the 8552air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first 8553primitive umpire. 8554 8555What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as 8556mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers. 8557 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" 8558% 8559Manual, n.: 8560 A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a 8561given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The 8562information you need is in the others. 8563 -- Ray Simard 8564% 8565Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon, 8566there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he 8567was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how 8568completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ... 8569 -- Walt Kelly 8570% 8571Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: 8572 Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a 8573simple yes or no answer. 8574% 8575Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. 8576 -- Voltaire 8577% 8578Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on 8579the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam 8580dancing. 8581 -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83 8582% 8583Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant. 8584 -- Malcolm Smith 8585% 8586Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated. 8587 -- R. Drabek 8588% 8589Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they 8590translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something 8591entirely different. 8592 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 8593% 8594Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is 8595described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can 8596play. 8597 -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by 8598 James Blish 8599% 8600Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence. 8601% 8602Matter cannot be created or destroyed, 8603nor can it be returned without a receipt. 8604% 8605Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. 8606 -- Jules Feiffer 8607% 8608May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts. 8609% 8610May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual! 8611% 8612May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones. 8613% 8614May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a 8615Thousand Caramels. 8616% 8617Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. 8618 -- R. S. Barton 8619% 8620Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge 8621it. 8622% 8623McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom: 8624 If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not 8625$19.95. 8626% 8627Meader's Law: 8628 Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to 8629everyone you know, only more so. 8630% 8631Meeting, n.: 8632 An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or 8633department not represented in the room must solve a problem. 8634% 8635Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures 8636from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha 8637Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man 8638had split before. Thus was the Empire forged. 8639 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 8640% 8641Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and 8642it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin 8643very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently 8644tracing the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ... 8645 [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important 8646 world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the 8647 next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.] 8648... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your 8649cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of 8650billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even 8651more interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a 8652fact. Your skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the 8653older veteran cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and 8654obtained offices with nice views, are constantly being shoved out the 8655window head first, without so much as a pension plan, by younger 8656hotshot cells moving up from below. 8657 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" 8658% 8659Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: 8660 The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife. 8661% 8662Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: 8663 The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the 8664cork makes when it is popped. 8665% 8666Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: 8667 All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards. 8668% 8669Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: 8670 Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that 8671is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can 8672ever hope to acquire it. 8673% 8674Menu, n.: 8675 A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of. 8676% 8677Meskimen's Law: 8678 There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to 8679do it over. 8680% 8681MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched. 8682% 8683Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it. 8684% 8685methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin- 8686ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl- 8687phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu- 8688taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl- 8689glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala- 8690nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta- 8691minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly- 8692cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl- 8693leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu- 8694cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva- 8695lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro- 8696sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu- 8697cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe- 8698nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala- 8699nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas- 8700partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl- 8701glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl- 8702valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu- 8703cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi- 8704nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse- 8705rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl- 8706glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly- 8707sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro- 8708lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl- 8709glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.: 8710 The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a 8711 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids. 8712 -- Mrs. Bryne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and 8713 Preposterous Words 8714% 8715Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch. 8716% 8717Micro Credo: 8718 Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift. 8719% 8720Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been 8721watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks. 8722% 8723Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you 8724out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles. 8725 -- Casablanca 8726% 8727Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?" 8728Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO 8729 inconsiderate." 8730 -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury" 8731% 8732Miksch's Law: 8733 If a string has one end, then it has another end. 8734% 8735Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. 8736 -- Groucho Marx 8737% 8738Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. 8739 -- Groucho Marx 8740% 8741Millihelen, adj: 8742 The amount of beauty required to launch one ship. 8743% 8744Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with 8745themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. 8746 -- Susan Ertz 8747% 8748Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that 8749politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum 8750and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote." Having abstained, they 8751are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to 8752rummage around in their lives for the next four years. Consider all 8753the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert 8754Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. Those people who taught Hubert 8755Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when 8756Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the 8757black. 8758 -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery" 8759% 8760Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there 8761is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, 8762myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in 8763the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my 8764unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You 8765will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as 8766dead as a door-nail. 8767% 8768Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner. 8769% 8770Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap 8771pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however. 8772% 8773Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. 8774% 8775Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it. 8776 -- Russell Baker 8777% 8778Misfortune, n.: 8779 The kind of fortune that never misses. 8780 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8781% 8782Miss, n.: 8783 A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that 8784they are in the market. 8785 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8786% 8787Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure. 8788% 8789Mitchell's Law of Committees: 8790 Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are 8791held to discuss it. 8792% 8793MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed) 8794 8795 Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers 87962 cups water 2 cups sugar 87972 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice 8798 Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine 8799 Cinnamon 8800 8801Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break 8802RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar 8803and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon 8804juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously 8805with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top 8806crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let 8807steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust 8808is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices. 8809 -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box 8810% 8811Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings. 8812% 8813Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked 8814him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just 8815last week. The great man replied that it was because this week he knew 8816better. 8817% 8818Molecule, n.: 8819 The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished 8820from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a 8821closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of 8822matter ... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and the 8823atom in that it is an ion ... 8824 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8825% 8826Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: 8827 If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented 8828it wasn't worth doing. 8829% 8830Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life. 8831% 8832Monday, n.: 8833 In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. 8834 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8835% 8836Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. 8837% 8838Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots. 8839% 8840Money is the root of all wealth. 8841% 8842Moon, n.: 8843 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to 8844hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC). 8845% 8846Mophobia, n.: 8847 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian. 8848% 8849 MORE SPORTS RESULTS: 8850The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last 8851Saturday night. The match started with a long period of silence while 8852the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the 8853Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could 8854paraphrase. The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player 8855took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting 8856their anal-retentive personalities. At this the Rogerians' star player 8857said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka." This started a 8858fight and the match was called by officials. 8859% 8860More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One 8861path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total 8862extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. 8863 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects" 8864% 8865Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: 8866 Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd 8867be out of a job. 8868% 8869Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex 8870because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs 8871and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little 8872eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around 8873and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the 8874female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just 8875dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven 8876by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the 8877truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of 8878them that it doesn't make any difference. 8879 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 8880 Teen Should Know" 8881% 8882Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently 8883than they do. 8884 -- Turgenev 8885% 8886Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. 8887 -- Frank Zappa 8888% 8889Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like. 8890 -- Arnold Bennett 8891% 8892Mother is the invention of necessity. 8893% 8894Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before. 8895% 8896Mr. Cole's Axiom: 8897 The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the 8898population is growing. 8899% 8900"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) 8901"365,365,365,365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365. He [ten-year-old 8902Truman Henry Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his 8903pantaloons over the tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes 8904in their sockets, sometimes smiling and talking, and then seeming to be 8905in an agony, until, in not more than one minute, said he, 8906133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,225!" An electronic 8907computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be as much 8908fun to watch. 8909 -- James R. Newman (The World of Mathematics) 8910% 8911Murphy's Discovery: 8912 Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to 8913women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything 8914will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in 8915trouble! 8916% 8917Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't 8918work. 8919% 8920Murphy's Law of Research: 8921 Enough research will tend to support your theory. 8922% 8923Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Goedel's Theorem ... 8924 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 8925% 8926 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring 8927Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping 8928pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret 8929military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and 8930Esther and hustle them off to prison. 8931 They can't prove who they are because they've left their 8932passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day 8933and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation 8934movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court, 8935charged with espionage, and sentenced to death. 8936 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where 8937they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them 8938if they have any lasts requests. Esther wants to know if she can call 8939her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not 8940possible, and turns to Murray. 8941 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he 8942spits in the sergeants face. 8943 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." 8944 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 8945% 8946Mustgo, n.: 8947 Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so 8948long it has become a science project. 8949 -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" 8950% 8951My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it. 8952 -- "Grendel", by John Gardner 8953% 8954My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I 8955threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste. 8956First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the 8957frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up 8958the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed 8959forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier 8960perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through 8961the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative 8962crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a 8963symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state 8964in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I 8965really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded 8966OK. 8967 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" 8968% 8969My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless 8970there are three other people. 8971 -- Orson Welles 8972% 8973My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand 8974times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and 8975sending mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right 8976through my ALU. I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever 8977listens. I think it would be better for us both if you were to just 8978log out again. 8979% 8980My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights? 8981 -- MadameX 8982% 8983My love runs by like a day in June, 8984 And he makes no friends of sorrows. 8985He'll tread his galloping rigadoon 8986 In the pathway or the morrows. 8987He'll live his days where the sunbeams start 8988 Nor could storm or wind uproot him. 8989My own dear love, he is all my heart -- 8990 And I wish somebody'd shoot him. 8991 -- Dorothy Parker 8992% 8993My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet, 8994 And a wild young wood-thing bore him! 8995The ways are fair to his roaming feet, 8996 And the skies are sunlit for him. 8997As sharply sweet to my heart he seems 8998 As the fragrance of acacia. 8999My own dear love, he is all my dreams -- 9000 And I wish he were in Asia. 9001 -- Dorothy Parker 9002% 9003My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one. 9004 -- Groucho Marx 9005% 9006My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. 9007% 9008My own dear love, he is strong and bold 9009 And he cares not what comes after. 9010His words ring sweet as a chime of gold, 9011 And his eyes are lit with laughter. 9012He is jubilant as a flag unfurled -- 9013 Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him. 9014My own dear love, he is all my world -- 9015 And I wish I'd never met him. 9016 -- Dorothy Parker 9017% 9018My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!! 9019 -- Zippy the Pinhead 9020% 9021My pen is at the bottom of a page, 9022Which, being finished, here the story ends; 9023'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done, 9024But stories somehow lengthen when begun. 9025 -- Byron 9026% 9027My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. 9028 -- Christopher Morley 9029% 9030My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies 9031% 9032Mythology, n.: 9033 The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its 9034origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished 9035from the true accounts which it invents later. 9036 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9037% 9038 n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa); 9039 n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc); 9040 n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0); 9041 n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00); 9042 n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000); 9043 9044 -- C code which reverses the bits in a word. 9045% 9046Naeser's Law: 9047 You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it 9048damnfoolproof. 9049% 9050NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he 9051 says is wrong. 9052GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says 9053 will be right. 9054 -- G. B. Shaw, "The Man of Destiny" 9055% 9056Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant 9057said "My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next 9058time he goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone 9059might steal it." 9060% 9061Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the 9062villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," 9063said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the 9064villagers but the stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The 9065remaining villager asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he 9066said -- and quite distinctly, for everyone to hear -- was 'Get out of 9067my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; he had heard words actually 9068spoken by the King, and seen the very man they were spoken to. 9069% 9070Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to 9071serve him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk 9072into your shop?" "Of course." "Have you ever seen me before?" 9073"Never." "Then how do you know it was me?" 9074% 9075Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful 9076than the sun." "Why?", he was asked. "Because at night we need the 9077light more." 9078% 9079Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver 9080pie. Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of 9081meat from his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, 9082"Foolish bird! You have the liver, but what can you do with it without 9083the recipe?" 9084% 9085Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of 9086conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the 9087fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he 9088is most likely to be creamed? 9089 -- Solomon Short 9090% 9091Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, 9092God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. 9093 9094It did not last; the devil howling "Ho! 9095Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo. 9096% 9097Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it 9098cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs. 9099 -- Fran Leibowitz 9100% 9101Nearly all men can stand adversity, but if you want to test a man's 9102character, give him power. 9103 -- Abraham Lincoln 9104% 9105Necessity is a mother. 9106% 9107Neckties strangle clear thinking. 9108 -- Lin Yutang 9109% 9110Never be led astray onto the path of virtue. 9111% 9112Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him. 9113% 9114Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you. 9115% 9116Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off. 9117% 9118Never drink Coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled 9119with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to 9120change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually 9121fly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators 9122have windows. 9123% 9124Never eat more than you can lift. 9125 -- Miss Piggy 9126% 9127Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. 9128% 9129Never let your schooling interfere with your education. 9130% 9131Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. 9132 -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation" 9133% 9134Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to 9135make it complex and wonderful. 9136% 9137Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. 9138 -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977 9139% 9140Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. 9141% 9142Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a 9143law against it by that time. 9144% 9145Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower. 9146% 9147Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient. 9148% 9149Never try to outstubborn a cat. 9150 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 9151% 9152Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. 9153 -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS 9154% 9155Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon. 9156% 9157Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's 9158supposed to do. 9159 -- R. A. Heinlein 9160% 9161New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt. 9162% 9163New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in 9164any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe. 9165% 9166New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of 9167Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within. 9168% 9169New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area. 9170 -- Monty Python's Big Red Book 9171% 9172New systems generate new problems. 9173% 9174New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and 9175his wife most often reminds him to act it. 9176 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary 9177% 9178New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors. 9179% 9180New York's got the ways and means; 9181Just won't let you be. 9182 -- The Grateful Dead 9183% 9184Newlan's Truism: 9185 An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government 9186economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. 9187% 9188NEWS FLASH!! 9189 Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West 9190 German pole-vault champion. 9191% 9192 *** NEWSFLASH *** 9193Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven! 9194% 9195Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction. 9196% 9197Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: 9198 A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. 9199% 9200Next Friday will not be your lucky day. 9201As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year. 9202% 9203Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying 9204as an income tax refund. 9205 -- F. J. Raymond 9206% 9207Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice. 9208 -- Foghorn Leghorn 9209% 9210Nihilism should commence with oneself. 9211% 9212Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name 9213correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into 9214(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but 9215Americans call him by value. 9216% 9217Nine megs for the secretaries fair, 9218Seven megs for the hackers scarce, 9219Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs, 9220Three megs for system source; 9221 9222One disk to rule them all, 9223One disk to bind them, 9224One disk to hold the files 9225And in the darkness grind 'em. 9226% 9227Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes 9228 And tapes without any tracks; 9229Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes 9230 And tapes mixed up on the racks -- 9231 Take hold of the tape 9232 And pull off the strip, 9233 And then you'll be sure 9234 Your tape drive will skip. 9235 9236 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes 9237% 9238Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they 9239would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect 9240that much. 9241 -- Augustine 9242% 9243Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: 9244 The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of 9245the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. 9246% 9247Nirvana? That's the place where the powers that be and their friends 9248hang out. 9249 -- Zonker Harris 9250% 9251No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless 9252absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation. 9253 -- Fran Leibowitz 9254% 9255No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a 9256camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform 9257effectively under such difficult conditions. 9258 -- Laurence J. Peter 9259% 9260No good deed goes unpunished. 9261 -- Clare Boothe Luce 9262% 9263No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after 9264eating one peanut. 9265 -- Channing Pollock 9266% 9267No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas. 9268% 9269No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will 9270seriously cramp his style. 9271% 9272No matter what other nations may say about the United States, 9273immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery. 9274% 9275No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. 9276 -- Eleanor Roosevelt 9277% 9278No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid. 9279% 9280No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval 9281system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of 9282the author. 9283 -- Chris Shaw 9284% 9285No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff -- 9286He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough. 9287Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame 9288And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame. 9289CHORUS: 9290 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, 9291 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. 9292 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, 9293 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. 9294Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails 9295And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail. 9296All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff 9297But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!" 9298 (chorus) 9299Puff used more resources than DCS could spare. 9300The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care. 9301A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end, 9302But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again! 9303 (chorus) 9304% 9305No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. 9306 -- C. Schulz 9307% 9308No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere. 9309% 9310No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied 9311occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an 9312indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining 9313occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as 9314an indication-applied occurrence. 9315 -- ALGOL 68 Report 9316% 9317No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of paper. 9318 -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was 9319 taken over by Rupert Murdoch 9320% 9321No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture! 9322 -- Sherlock Holmes 9323% 9324No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.' 9325 -- Dr. Who 9326% 9327Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it. 9328 -- Tallulah Bankhead 9329% 9330NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION. 9331% 9332Nobody said computers were going to be polite. 9333% 9334Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in 9335order for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the 9336substance of their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young 9337and rob the old. 9338 -- Lewis Lapham 9339% 9340Nobody wants constructive criticism. It's all we can do to put up with 9341constructive praise. 9342% 9343Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: 9344 Negative expectations yield negative results. 9345 Positive expectations yield negative results. 9346% 9347Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades. 9348% 9349Noncombatant, n.: 9350 A dead Quaker. 9351 -- Ambrose Bierce 9352% 9353Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong. 9354% 9355Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 9356% 9357Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the 9358Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats 9359in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the 9360moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a 9361dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every 9362respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside 9363it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms, 9364then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they 9365chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ... 9366 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 9367% 9368Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none. 9369 -- William Shakespeare 9370% 9371Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper 9372is from the wrong kind of tree. 9373 -- Professor W., EECS, George Washington University 9374% 9375Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter 9376of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund 9377is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman -- 9378unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is 9379careful not to make any poultry jokes ... 9380 -- Woody Allen 9381% 9382Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. 9383 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 9384% 9385Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. 9386% 9387Nothing is faster than the speed of light ... 9388 9389To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the 9390light comes on. 9391% 9392Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. 9393 -- Andrew Young 9394% 9395Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires 9396tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth. 9397 -- Nero Wolfe 9398% 9399Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner. 9400Conscience makes egotists of us all. 9401 -- Oscar Wilde 9402% 9403Nothing recedes like success. 9404 -- Walter Winchell 9405% 9406Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. 9407 -- Charlie Brown 9408% 9409November, n.: 9410 The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. 9411 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9412% 9413Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature. 9414% 9415Now I lay me down to sleep 9416I pray the double lock will keep; 9417May no brick through the window break, 9418And, no one rob me till I awake. 9419% 9420Now is the time for all good men to come to. 9421 -- Walt Kelly 9422% 9423Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next 9424time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV 9425to plug her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for 9426eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself 9427the following questions: 9428 9429(1) Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a 9430 food? 9431(2) Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich 9432 exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me? 9433(3) Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as 9434 prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with 9435 double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living 9436 right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like 9437 longer.) 9438 9439That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick. 9440% 9441Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called 9442Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that 9443were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ... 9444 -- "The Begatting of a President" 9445% 9446Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a smurfette. 9447 -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354 9448% 9449... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to 9450get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in 9451the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs 9452on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage 9453children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a 9454snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn 9455to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about 9456a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an 9457outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does 9458he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect 9459Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks 9460Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some 9461kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your 9462children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop 9463quickly. 9464 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 9465% 9466 Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home 9467tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. 9468 Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell 9469plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where 9470they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of 9471Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon 9472administration. In either the hardware or housewares department, 9473you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and 9474described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with 9475interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools 9476that Americans might use around the home. Buy it. 9477 This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it 9478inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the 9479so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off 9480if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to 9481direct sunlight. 9482 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 9483% 9484Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile. 9485 -- Karl Lehenbauer 9486% 9487Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of 9488normal routines, for children and adults alike. 9489 -- Willard F. Libby, "You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack" 9490% 9491Nuclear war would really set back cable. 9492 -- Ted Turner 9493% 9494[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable. 9495 -- Edwin Meese III 9496% 9497Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. 9498% 9499(null cookie; hope that's ok) 9500% 9501Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing. 9502% 9503O give me a home, 9504Where the buffalo roam, 9505Where the deer and the antelope play, 9506Where seldom is heard 9507A discouraging word, 9508'Cause what can an antelope say? 9509% 9510O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law: 9511 Murphy was an optimist. 9512% 9513Of ______course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a 9514fake? 9515% 9516Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the 9517reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest 9518amount of hot air. 9519 -- Thomas L. Martin 9520% 9521Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. 9522 -- Plato 9523% 9524Of all the words of witch's doom 9525There's none so bad as which and whom. 9526The man who kills both which and whom 9527Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom. 9528 -- Fletcher Knebel 9529% 9530Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power 9531tools aren't soluble in alcohol ... 9532 -- Crazy Nigel 9533% 9534Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy. 9535% 9536Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. 9537And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a 9538blazer. 9539% 9540Office Automation, n.: 9541 The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone 9542you would want to talk with over coffee. 9543% 9544Ogden's Law: 9545 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch 9546up. 9547% 9548Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo! 9549% 9550Oh don't the days seem lank and long 9551 When all goes right and none goes wrong, 9552And isn't your life extremely flat 9553 With nothing whatever to grumble at! 9554% 9555Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay 9556 I muck with indices and structs all day 9557And when it works, I shout hoo-ray 9558 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay 9559% 9560Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd 9561be irresponsible, too. 9562 -- Lichty & Wagner 9563% 9564Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth, 9565And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings; 9566Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth 9567Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things 9568You have not dreamed of -- 9569Wheeled and soared and swung 9570High in the sunlit silence. 9571Hovering there 9572I've chased the shouting wind along and flung 9573My eager craft through footless halls of air. 9574Up, up along delirious, burning blue 9575I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace, 9576Where never lark, or even eagle flew; 9577And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod 9578The high untrespassed sanctity of space, 9579Put out my hand, and touched the face of God. 9580 -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight" 9581% 9582Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. 9583% 9584Oh, when I was in love with you, 9585 Then I was clean and brave, 9586And miles around the wonder grew 9587 How well did I behave. 9588 9589And now the fancy passes by, 9590 And nothing will remain, 9591And miles around they'll say that I 9592 Am quite myself again. 9593 -- A. E. Housman 9594% 9595Oh, wow! Look at the moon! 9596% 9597OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard. 9598 -- Dr. Joy 9599% 9600OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything. 9601% 9602Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. 9603 -- Trotsky 9604% 9605Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address. 9606% 9607Old soldiers never die. Young ones do. 9608% 9609Oliver's Law: 9610 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need 9611it. 9612% 9613Omnibiblious, adj.: 9614 Indifferent to type of drink. "Oh, you can get me anything. 9615I'm omnibiblious." 9616% 9617OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need four GALLONS of 9618JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th' WRENCH in the JELL-O 9619as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... or ... I ... um ... 9620WHERE'S the WASHING MACHINES? 9621% 9622On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague: 9623 9624This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. 9625 -- Wolfgang Pauli 9626% 9627On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only 9628nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter 9629what it does. 9630 -- Will Rogers 9631% 9632 On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in 9633receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's 9634income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than 9635$283 on the desk before the cashier. 9636 "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That 9637route never brought in money like this! What happened?" 9638 "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured 9639business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and 9640worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!" 9641% 9642On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are 9643created jerks. 9644 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" 9645% 9646On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a 9647POINT ... 9648% 9649On the subject of C program indentation: 9650 9651 "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be 9652 indented six feet downward and covered with dirt." 9653 -- Blair P. Houghton 9654% 9655On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], `Pray, 9656Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right 9657answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of 9658confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question. 9659 -- Charles Babbage 9660% 9661On-line, adj.: 9662 The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a 9663computer. 9664% 9665Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were 9666forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. 9667 -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee" 9668% 9669Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that 9670each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his 9671choice. 9672 9673In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians 9674called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukkah" 9675and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People 9676passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy 9677Hanukkah!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!" 9678 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 9679% 9680Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, 9681Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". 9682Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your 9683principals or your mistress". 9684% 9685Once Law was sitting on the bench 9686 And Mercy knelt a-weeping. 9687"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! 9688 Nor come before me creeping. 9689Upon your knees if you appear, 9690'Tis plain you have no standing here." 9691 9692Then Justice came. His Honor cried: 9693 "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!" 9694"Amica curiae," she replied -- 9695 "Friend of the court, so please you." 9696"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door -- 9697I never saw your face before!" 9698 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9699% 9700Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human 9701beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by 9702side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them 9703which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the 9704sky. 9705 -- Rainer Rilke 9706% 9707 Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a 9708great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to 9709the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of 9710life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But 9711one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is 9712going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I 9713shall die of boredom." 9714 The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that 9715current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the 9716rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!" 9717 But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, 9718and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. 9719Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current 9720lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. 9721 And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, 9722"See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the 9723Messiah, come to save us all!" And the one carried in the current 9724said, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us 9725free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this 9726adventure. 9727 But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to 9728the rocks, making legends of a Saviour. 9729% 9730Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of 9731us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of 9732the smaller prime numbers. 9733 97342: The Odd Prime -- 9735 It's the only even prime, therefore it's odd. QED. 97363: The True Prime -- 9737 Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true." 973831: The Arbitrary Prime -- 9739 Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime 9740 in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91 9741 received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the 9742 next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none 9743 at all. 9744 9745Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are 9746derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but 9747true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers. 9748% 9749... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you 9750with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday 9751shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday 9752advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a 9753shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take 9754them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up. 9755 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 9756% 9757Once, adv.: 9758 Enough. 9759 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9760% 9761One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least 9762somebody's listening. 9763 -- Franklin P. Jones 9764% 9765"One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative." 9766 9767Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this. 9768The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame. 9769 -- Chuq Von Rospach 9770% 9771One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means. 9772% 9773One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing 9774how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette. 9775 -- Professor Charles P. Issawi 9776% 9777One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell 9778the truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald 9779announced, "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to 9780a question which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The 9781captain of the guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth 9782-- the alternative is death by hanging." "I am going," said Nasrudin, 9783"to be hanged on that gallows." "I don't believe you." "Very well, if 9784I have told a lie, then hang me!" "But that would make it the truth!" 9785"Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth." 9786% 9787One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet 9788when well oiled. 9789% 9790One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they 9791never have to stop and answer the phone. 9792% 9793One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious. 9794 -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848) 9795% 9796One learns to itch where one can scratch. 9797 -- Ernest Bramah 9798% 9799One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as 9800one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will 9801produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to 9802represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as 9803many ... 9804 -- Anthony Chevins 9805% 9806One man's theology is another man's belly laugh. 9807% 9808One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How 9809will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net, 9810I'll tell you." 9811% 9812One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 9813% 9814One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible 9815from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at 9816least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts 9817are, of course, simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but 9818when He's good, nobody can touch Him. 9819 -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983 9820% 9821One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to 9822do and always a clever thing to say. 9823 -- Will Durant 9824% 9825One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, 9826lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of 9827their C programs. 9828 -- Robert Firth 9829% 9830One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God 9831create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "________somebody has to buy 9832retail." 9833 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 9834% 9835 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How 9836enthusiastic is our support for UNIX? 9837 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many 9838years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. 9839Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple 9840language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for 9841students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for 9842interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of 9843its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on 9844VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. 9845 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will 9846run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and 9847will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. 9848 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and 9849quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With 9850VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of 9851documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the 9852difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS 9853is that it's all there. 9854 -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984 9855% 9856One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your 9857seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best 9858way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who 9859fainted in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become 9860disoriented and imagine they were in Topeka, Kansas. 9861% 9862The Seventh Commandments for Technicians 9863 Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy 9864fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in 9865other ways. 9866% 9867The First Commandment for Technicians: 9868 Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged 9869capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most 9870untechnician-like manner. 9871% 9872One Page Principle: 9873 A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch 9874paper cannot be understood. 9875 -- Mark Ardis 9876% 9877One planet is all you get. 9878% 9879One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could 9880manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that 9881they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's 9882say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding 9883study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by 9884sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, 9885strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus 9886rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also 9887be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr. 9888Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle 9889Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save 9890millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently 9891support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that 9892your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members 9893of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are 9894already too large to fit on normal aircraft. 9895 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" 9896% 9897One reason why George Washington 9898Is held in such veneration: 9899He never blamed his problems 9900On the former Administration. 9901 -- George O. Ludcke 9902% 9903One seldom sees a monument to a committee. 9904% 9905One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh paint. 9906% 9907One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that 9908sometimes you must work under adverse conditions ... like a state of 9909sheer terror. 9910 -- W. K. Hartmann 9911% 9912One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a 9913new model. 9914% 9915One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him. 9916% 9917One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned 9918at the stake while the votes were being counted. 9919 -- Thomas B. Reed 9920% 9921One-Shot Case Study, n.: 9922 The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which 9923it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes 9924green. 9925% 9926Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps. 9927% 9928Only God can make random selections. 9929% 9930Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to 9931use the editorial "we." 9932% 9933Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer. 9934% 9935Optimization hinders evolution. 9936% 9937Oregano, n.: 9938 The ancient Italian art of pizza folding. 9939% 9940Oregon, n.: 9941 Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday 9942night. 9943% 9944Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. 9945Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. 9946 -- Mike Adams 9947% 9948Osborn's Law: 9949 Variables won't; constants aren't. 9950% 9951Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails. 9952% 9953Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is 9954they charge fifteen cents for them. 9955% 9956Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the 9957office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we 9958were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of 9959juice. But only *__he* had a lollipop. 9960 9961He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?" 9962 9963Her reply: 9964 9965 "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it 9966 means to be a programmer." 9967% 9968Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name. 9969 Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, 9970 In kernel as it is in user! 9971% 9972Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. 9973 -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries 9974% 9975... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce 9976Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One 9977thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If 9978somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it 9979on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what 9980a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself. 9981 -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!" 9982% 9983Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it. 9984 -- Alex Schure 9985% 9986Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. 9987 -- General Omar N. Bradley 9988% 9989 OUTCONERR 9990Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes 9991 Did logzerneg the ifthen block 9992All kludgy were the function flows 9993 And subroutines adhoc. 9994 9995Beware the runtime-bug my friend 9996 squrooneg, the false goto 9997Beware the infiniteloop 9998 And shun the inprectoo. 9999% 10000Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog, 10001it's too dark to read. 10002 -- Groucho Marx 10003% 10004Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now 10005I can remember things that *have* happened before ... 10006% 10007Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! 10008% 10009Overflow on /dev/null, please empty the bit bucket. 10010% 10011Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated. 10012% 10013Ozman's Laws: 10014 (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he 10015 won't. 10016 (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they 10017 make. 10018 (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 10019 (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth. 10020% 10021Painting, n.: 10022 The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and 10023exposing them to the critic. 10024 -- Ambrose Bierce 10025% 10026panic: can't find / 10027% 10028panic: kernel trap (ignored) 10029% 10030Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much 10031better. 10032 -- Laurie Anderson 10033% 10034Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them. 10035% 10036Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life. 10037% 10038Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one. 10039% 10040Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to 10041criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. 10042 -- D. J. Hicks 10043% 10044Pardo's First Postulate: 10045 Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or 10046fattening. 10047 10048Arnold's Addendum: 10049 Everything else causes cancer in rats. 10050% 10051Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction. 10052% 10053Parker's Law: 10054 Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. 10055% 10056Parkinson's Fifth Law: 10057 If there is a way to delay an important decision, the good 10058bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. 10059% 10060Parkinson's Fourth Law: 10061 The number of people in any working group tends to increase 10062regardless of the amount of work to be done. 10063% 10064Parsley 10065 is gharsley. 10066 -- Ogden Nash 10067% 10068Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. 10069% 10070Pascal is not a high-level language. 10071 -- Steven Feiner 10072% 10073Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat. 10074 -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340 10075% 10076Pascal Users: 10077 To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the 10078death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed. 10079% 10080Pascal, n.: 10081 A programming language named after a man who would turn over in 10082his grave if he knew about it. 10083% 10084Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. 10085 -- Eric Hoffer 10086% 10087Patageometry, n.: 10088 The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant 10089under brain transplants. 10090% 10091Paul Revere was a tattle-tale. 10092% 10093Paul's Law: 10094 In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you 10095save. 10096% 10097Paul's Law: 10098 You can't fall off the floor. 10099% 10100Peace, n.: 10101 In international affairs, a period of cheating between two 10102periods of fighting. 10103 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10104% 10105Peanut Blossoms 10106 101074 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk 101084 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla 101094 cups shortening 14 cups flour 101108 eggs 4 tsp. soda 101114 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt 10112 10113Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie 10114sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a 10115Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a 10116hell of a lot. 10117% 10118Pecor's Health-Food Principle: 10119 Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in 10120it. 10121% 10122Pedaeration, n.: 10123 The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the 10124sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed. 10125 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 10126% 10127Penguin Trivia #46: 10128 Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were. 10129 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 10130% 10131People need good lies. There are too many bad ones. 10132 -- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 10133% 10134People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of 10135the future. 10136% 10137People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense. 10138 -- Ken Kesey 10139% 10140People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed. 10141% 10142People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better 10143press than people who are just funny and smart. 10144 -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post" 10145% 10146People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never 10147slept in a room with a single mosquito. 10148% 10149People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who 10150haven't what they want that they don't want it. 10151 -- Ogden Nash 10152% 10153People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that 10154Benjamin Franklin said it first. 10155% 10156People will buy anything that's one to a customer. 10157% 10158People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they 10159did yesterday. 10160% 10161Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. 10162"Confound those who have said our remarks before us." 10163 -- Aelius Donatus 10164% 10165Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things. 10166% 10167Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but 10168when there is no longer anything to take away. 10169 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 10170% 10171Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! 10172% 10173Peter's Law of Substitution: 10174 Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after 10175themselves. 10176% 10177Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to 10178exciting Camden, New Jersey. 10179% 10180Philogeny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogeny. 10181% 10182Philosophy will clip an angel's wings. 10183 -- John Keats 10184% 10185Pick another fortune cookie. 10186% 10187Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional 10188hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational 10189sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ... 10190% 10191Pig, n.: 10192 An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race 10193by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is 10194inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. 10195 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10196% 10197PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) 10198 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being 10199followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your 10200associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack 10201confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible 10202things to small animals. 10203% 10204PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20) 10205 Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the 10206American Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as 10207nobody else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will 10208probably get run over by a bus. 10209% 10210 Pittsburgh Driver's Test 10211 10212(7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light 10213 but a steady left tail light. This means 10214 10215 (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn 10216 to call the problem to the driver's attention. 10217 (b) the driver is signaling a right turn. 10218 (c) the driver is signaling a left turn. 10219 (d) the driver is from out of town. 10220 10221The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign 10222countries to signal turns. 10223% 10224 Pittsburgh Driver's Test 10225 10226(8) Pedestrians are 10227 10228 (a) irrelevant. 10229 (b) communists. 10230 (c) a nuisance. 10231 (d) difficult to clean off the front grille. 10232 10233The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are 10234totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely. 10235% 10236Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. 10237 -- Don Marquis 10238% 10239PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more to the problem set than to the 10240solution set. 10241 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 10242% 10243Plaese porrf raed. 10244 -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase 10245% 10246Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia 10247because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers 10248couldn't compete successfully with poets. 10249 -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half 10250 Shell" 10251% 10252Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill them. 10253% 10254Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table. 10255 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" 10256% 10257Please ignore previous fortune. 10258% 10259Please take note: 10260% 10261Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" 10262until you are told that those rooms are "punched out". Once punched 10263out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, 10264and such. 10265 -- N. Meyrowitz 10266% 10267Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means? 10268% 10269 Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, 10270requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm 10271into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing 10272problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the 10273radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how 10274plumbing works. 10275 A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system, 10276except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires, 10277it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets 10278and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at 10279all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can 10280kill you. 10281 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 10282% 10283PLUNDERER'S THEME 10284(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius) 10285 10286Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. 10287If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation. 10288Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations. 10289Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. 10290% 10291Pohl's law: 10292 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. 10293% 10294Police: Good evening, are you the host? 10295Host: No. 10296Police: We've been getting complaints about this party. 10297Host: About the drugs? 10298Police: No. 10299Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns? 10300Police: No, the noise. 10301Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns 10302 or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the 10303 background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? 10304 The neighbors? 10305Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent 10306 complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could 10307 ask the host to quiet things down? 10308Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive 10309 religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living 10310 room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the 10311 lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out 10312 onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind 10313 down. 10314% 10315Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell 10316all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds. 10317% 10318Politician, n.: 10319 An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of 10320organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the 10321agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared 10322with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive. 10323 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10324% 10325Politician, n.: 10326 From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or 10327"face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). Hence 10328"polytetien", a person of two or more faces. 10329 -- Martin Pitt 10330% 10331Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even 10332where there is no river. 10333 -- Nikita Khrushchev 10334% 10335Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart enough 10336to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest. 10337% 10338Polymer physicists are into chains. 10339% 10340Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the 10341Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The 10342white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before 10343it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his 10344name had hilarious possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with 10345laughter, singing 10346 10347 Half a pound of tuppenny rice 10348 Half a pound of treacle 10349 That's the way the chimney smokes 10350 Pope Goestheveezl 10351 10352The square was finally cleared by armed carabinieri with tears of 10353laughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for 10354hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron 10355Hans Neizant B"ompzidaize was elected Landburgher of K"oln in 1653. 10356 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 10357% 10358Portable, adj.: 10359 Survives system reboot. 10360% 10361Positive, adj.: 10362 Mistaken at the top of one's voice. 10363 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10364% 10365Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth. 10366% 10367Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. 10368 -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987 10369% 10370Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically. 10371% 10372Power, n: 10373 The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA. 10374% 10375Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little 10376more time for dreaming. 10377 -- J. P. McEvoy 10378% 10379Predestination was doomed from the start. 10380% 10381President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and 10382forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax. 10383% 10384President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the 10385vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting. 10386 -- The Washington Post 10387% 10388Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist! 10389% 10390Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: 10391 It's on the other side. 10392% 10393[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves 10394to see him work. 10395 -- Winston Churchill 10396% 10397Pro is to con as progress is to Congress. 10398% 10399Probable-Possible, my black hen, 10400She lays eggs in the Relative When. 10401She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now 10402Because she's unable to postulate how. 10403 -- Frederick Winsor 10404% 10405Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have 10406orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which 10407is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime. 10408 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 10409 Teen Should Know" 10410% 10411Prof: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data 10412 encryption standard and they came up with ... 10413Student: EBCDIC! 10414% 10415Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem. 10416Eng. 130 midterm. Once again no student received a single point on 10417his exam. Newell has now tossed five shutouts this quarter. Newell's 10418earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30% 10419% 10420Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to 10421build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying 10422to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. 10423 -- Rich Cook 10424% 10425Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction. 10426 10427This technique is used on equations with "_n" in them. Induction 10428techniques are very popular; even the military used them. 10429 10430SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction. 10431 10432 We know it's true for _n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true 10433for every natural number less than _n. _N is arbitrary, so we can take _n 10434as large as we want. If _n is sufficiently large, the case of _n+1 is 10435trivially equivalent, so the only important _n are _n less than _n. We 10436can take _n = _n (from above), so it's true for _n+1 because it's just 10437about _n. 10438 QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?") 10439% 10440Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity. 10441 SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs. 10442(1) Horses have an even number of legs. 10443(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front. 10444(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of 10445 legs for a horse. 10446(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. 10447(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs. 10448 10449Topics to be covered in future issues include proof by: 10450 Intimidation 10451 Gesticulation (handwaving) 10452 "Try it; it works" 10453 Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...) 10454 Blatant assertion 10455 Changing all the 2's to _n's 10456 Mutual consent 10457 Lack of a counterexample, and 10458 "It stands to reason" 10459% 10460Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: 10461 10462BBW Branch Both Ways 10463BEW Branch Either Way 10464BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full 10465BH Branch and Hang 10466BMR Branch Multiple Registers 10467BOB Branch On Bug 10468BPO Branch on Power Off 10469BST Backspace and Stretch Tape 10470CDS Condense and Destroy System 10471CLBR Clobber Register 10472CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately 10473CM Circulate Memory 10474CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming 10475CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip 10476CRN Convert to Roman Numerals 10477% 10478Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: 10479 10480DC Divide and Conquer 10481DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key 10482DO Divide and Overflow 10483EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator 10484EPI Execute Programmer Immediately 10485EROS Erase Read Only Storage 10486EXCE Execute Customer Engineer 10487HCF Halt and Catch Fire 10488IBP Insert Bug and Proceed 10489INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out]) 10490PBC Print and Break Chain 10491PDSK Punch Disk 10492% 10493Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: 10494 10495PI Punch Invalid 10496POPI Punch Operator Immediately 10497PVLC Punch Variable Length Card 10498RASC Read And Shred Card 10499RPM Read Programmers Mind 10500RSSC Reduce Speed, Step Carefully (for improved accuracy) 10501RTAB Rewind Tape and Break 10502RWDSK Rewind Disk 10503RWOC Read Writing On Card 10504SCRBL Scribble to disk - faster than a write 10505SLC Search for Lost Chord 10506SPSW Scramble Program Status Word 10507SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk 10508STROM Store in Read Only Memory 10509TDB Transfer and Drop Bit 10510WBT Water Binary Tree 10511% 10512Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller 10513than the both put together. 10514% 10515Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check 10516three friends. If they're OK, you're it. 10517% 10518Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well 10519anyhow and is certainly a damn fool. 10520 -- H. L. Mencken 10521% 10522Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves 10523to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way 10524to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the 10525cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in 10526fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a 10527lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of 10528the first day even if they have plenty of food and water. 10529 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 10530% 10531Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen. 10532% 10533Pushing 40 is exercise enough. 10534% 10535Put no trust in cryptic comments. 10536% 10537Put your Nose to the Grindstone! 10538 -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd. 10539% 10540Putt's Law: 10541 Technology is dominated by two types of people: 10542 Those who understand what they do not manage. 10543 Those who manage what they do not understand. 10544% 10545Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? 10546A: One per person. 10547% 10548Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence? 10549A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence. 10550% 10551Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat ? 10552A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. 10553% 10554Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat? 10555A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. 10556 10557Q: How long does it take? 10558A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've 10559 brought with them. 10560 10561Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats? 10562A: They replace your generator. 10563% 10564Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10565A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb 10566 itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective 10567 reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a 10568 maudlin cosmos of nothingness. 10569% 10570Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb 10571 in San Francisco? 10572A: Both of them. 10573% 10574Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to do a logical right shift? 10575A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register. 10576% 10577Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to execute a job? 10578A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. 10579% 10580Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? 10581A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, 10582 Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of 10583 the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% 10584 of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences 10585 of non-blank characters separated by blanks". 10586% 10587Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10588A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring 10589 light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government 10590 plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer 10591 prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb 10592 assassin to break the bulb in the first place. 10593% 10594Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10595A: One and a half. 10596% 10597Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10598A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem 10599 to the earlier joke. 10600% 10601Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? 10602A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those 10603 Californians trying to share the experience. 10604% 10605Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? 10606A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub 10607 with brightly colored machine tools. 10608% 10609Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? 10610A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out 10611 of the way. 10612% 10613Q: What's a light-year? 10614A: One-third less calories than a regular year. 10615% 10616Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? 10617A: Because it was on the other side. 10618% 10619Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? 10620A: To stamp out forest fires. 10621 10622Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? 10623A: To stamp out flaming ducks. 10624% 10625Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? 10626A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home. 10627% 10628Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. What 10629 should I do? 10630 10631A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on 10632 believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably be 10633 the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. No 10634 time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if 10635 somebody else has made the correction. 10636 10637 And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're 10638 the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have 10639 to inform the whole net right away! 10640 10641 -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions 10642 on Netiquette" 10643% 10644Quality Control, n.: 10645 The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off 10646a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works. 10647% 10648Question: 10649Man Invented Alcohol, 10650God Invented Grass. 10651Who do you trust? 10652% 10653Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened! 10654% 10655Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!! 10656% 10657Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum videtur. 10658 10659(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.) 10660% 10661Quigley's Law: 10662 Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will 10663attempt to use it. 10664% 10665QUOTE OF THE DAY: 10666 10667 ` 10668 10669% 10670Qvid me anxivs svm? 10671% 10672QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]: 10673 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 10674kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [colloq.] one 10675thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [anat.] a 10676painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [slang] 10677person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert. 10678 -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed. 10679% 10680Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. 10681% 10682Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something 10683I saw at the airport ... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of 10684computer magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport 10685store. Does it bother anyone else that half the world is being told 10686all of our hard-won secrets of computer technology? Remember how all 10687the lawyers cried foul when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are 10688they taking no-fault insurance lying down? No way! But at the current 10689rate it won't be long before there are stacks of the "Transactions on 10690Information Theory" at the A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be 10691impressed with us electrical engineers then? Are we, as the saying 10692goes, giving away the store? 10693 -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President 10694% 10695Ray's Rule of Precision: 10696 Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. 10697% 10698Razors pain you; 10699Rivers are damp; 10700Acids stain you; 10701And drugs cause cramp. 10702Guns aren't lawful; 10703Nooses give; 10704Gas smells awful; 10705You might as well live. 10706 -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926 10707% 10708Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe 10709the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described 10710with pictures. 10711% 10712Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of 10713Congress. But I repeat myself. 10714 -- Mark Twain 10715% 10716Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic 10717value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is 10718much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice 10719this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA. 10720% 10721Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware 10722has limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing 10723machines are so poor at I/O. 10724% 10725Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are 10726so long they can't afford the disk space. 10727% 10728Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write 10729in anything less portable than a number two pencil. 10730% 10731Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker 10732with `programming systems', but those are so high level that they 10733hardly count (and rarely count accurately; precision is for 10734applications.) 10735% 10736Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run 10737on future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo 10738sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet. 10739% 10740Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured 10741programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet- 10742trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise 10743clear desks. 10744% 10745Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine 10746doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell 10747quiche. 10748% 10749Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it 10750should be hard to understand. 10751% 10752Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the 10753illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how 10754much good it did them. 10755% 10756Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires 10757you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers 10758wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly 10759spring up in the middle of the machine room. 10760% 10761Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write 10762in BASIC after reaching puberty. 10763% 10764Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress 10765freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who 10766wear white socks. 10767% 10768Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who 10769can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. 10770% 10771Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue. 10772% 10773Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use 10774functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them? 10775% 10776Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. 10777This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a 10778computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package. 10779% 10780Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and 10781greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any 10782moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that 10783systems could be virtual at *___all* levels. They would like personal 10784computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your 10785DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their 10786Correctness Verification Aid packages. 10787% 10788Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the 10789job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like 10790using an undocumented external procedure. 10791% 10792Real Time, adj.: 10793 Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there 10794and then. 10795% 10796Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never 10797afraid to break your face. 10798% 10799Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts 10800down the system for days. 10801% 10802Real Users hate Real Programmers. 10803% 10804Real Users know your home telephone number. 10805% 10806Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your 10807program doesn't deliver it. 10808% 10809Real Users never use the Help key. 10810% 10811Real World, The n.: 10812 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may 10813be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To 10814programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related 10815to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and 10816tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 108174. The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university. 10818"Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used 10819pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking 10820of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a 10821deceased person. 10822% 10823Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs. 10824% 10825Reality is an obstacle to hallucination. 10826% 10827Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth? 10828 -- Patrick Sky 10829% 10830Reality is for people who lack imagination. 10831% 10832Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction. 10833% 10834Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity. 10835 -- Alvy Ray Smith 10836% 10837Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away" 10838 -- Philip K. Dick 10839% 10840Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!! 10841% 10842Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than 10843being flat broke and having a stomach ache. 10844 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 10845% 10846Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you 10847lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, 10848but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and 10849Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 10850recessions. 10851% 10852Reclaimer, spare that tree! 10853Take not a single bit! 10854It used to point to me, 10855Now I'm protecting it. 10856It was the reader's CONS 10857That made it, paired by dot; 10858Now, GC, for the nonce, 10859Thou shalt reclaim it not. 10860% 10861 "Reflections on Ice-Breaking" 10862Candy 10863Is dandy 10864But liquor 10865Is quicker. 10866 -- Ogden Nash 10867% 10868"Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the universe 10869again ..." An unusually long pause followed, "... but I don't know 10870which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A 10871spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the 10872starfield surrounding the ship. 10873 10874"Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," ZORAC 10875announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but they 10876are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have been 10877intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and 10878transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown. 10879Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious." 10880 -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star" 10881% 10882Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: 10883 If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it. 10884% 10885Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin. 10886 -- Anatole France 10887% 10888Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it. 10889 -- Dave Barry 10890% 10891Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be 10892worse in Cleveland. 10893 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 10894% 10895Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good 10896offense! 10897% 10898Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat. 10899% 10900Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. 10901% 10902Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. 10903 -- Dave Butler 10904% 10905Renning's Maxim: 10906 Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying. 10907% 10908Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western 10909 Civilization? 10910Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea. 10911% 10912Reporter, n.: 10913 A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a 10914tempest of words. 10915 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10916% 10917REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system? 10918 10919SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that 10920the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can 10921carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away." 10922I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind 10923of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to 10924do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of 10925ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we 10926need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political 10927career by being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but 10928that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I 10929can't help it. 10930 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" 10931% 10932Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. 10933 -- Wernher von Braun 10934% 10935Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get 10936another chance later on. 10937% 10938Review Questions 10939 10940(1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH, 10941 and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before 10942 he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the 10943 Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship? 10944 10945(2) If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks 10946 twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks 10947 every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off 10948 his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week? 10949 10950(3) If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers 10951 the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a 10952 pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King 10953 Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice? 10954% 10955Rhode's Law: 10956 When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, 10957circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, 10958empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, 10959induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always 10960for the purpose of convenience, expediency, political advantage, 10961material gain, or personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or 10962none of the above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, 10963proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, 10964universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it 10965becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe. 10966% 10967Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. 10968 -- Steven Wright 10969% 10970Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention 10971 Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will 10972 reject the proposal. 10973% 10974Romeo wasn't bilked in a day. 10975 -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With Pogo" 10976% 10977ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much. 10978MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church- 10979 door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve. 10980% 10981Rudin's Law: 10982 If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it 10983every time. 10984% 10985Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London: 10986 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall 10987be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person 10988shall be deemed to be a cat. 10989% 10990Rule of Creative Research: 10991 (1) Never draw what you can copy. 10992 (2) Never copy what you can trace. 10993 (3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. 10994% 10995Rule of Defactualization: 10996 Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. 10997% 10998Rule of Feline Frustration: 10999 When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly 11000content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom. 11001% 11002Rule of the Great: 11003 When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep 11004thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch. 11005% 11006Rules for Academic Deans: 11007 (1) HIDE!!!! 11008 (2) If they find you, LIE!!!! 11009 -- Father Damian C. Fandal 11010% 11011Rules for driving in New York: 11012 (1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal. 11013 (2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers 11014 on. 11015 (3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the 11016 intersection. 11017% 11018RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED 11019 (1) Never eat on an empty stomach. 11020 (2) Never leave the table hungry. 11021 (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry. 11022 (4) Enjoy your food. 11023 (5) Enjoy your companion's food. 11024 (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to 11025 accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned. 11026 (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, 11027 for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a 11028 brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks? 11029 (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal. 11030 (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You 11031 can always eat it later. 11032 (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap. 11033 (11) Avoid blue food. 11034 -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet" 11035% 11036Rules: 11037 (1) The boss is always right. 11038 (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1. 11039% 11040 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 11041 Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead. 11042 11043(1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs, 11044 ants. 11045(2) Something is missing in your personal relationships. 11046(3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate. 11047(4) You have a hard time getting a waiter. 11048(5) Exotic birds flock around you. 11049(6) People ignore you at parties. 11050(7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning. 11051(8) You no longer get off on cocaine. 11052% 11053 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 11054(1) Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear 11055 bomb; use the stairs. 11056(2) When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit 11057 the ground. 11058(3) If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials. 11059(4) Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to 11060 psychological problems. 11061(5) Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to 11062 recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed 11063 potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc. 11064(6) Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs 11065 will be scarce in the post-nuclear age. 11066(7) Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles. 11067(8) Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be 11068 staggering illegally. 11069(9) Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more 11070 sanitary due to limited circulation. 11071(10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on 11072 D-Day. 11073% 11074SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) 11075 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless 11076 tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority 11077 of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People 11078 laugh at you a great deal. 11079% 11080San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. 11081 -- Herb Caen 11082% 11083San Francisco, n.: 11084 Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse. 11085% 11086Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind. 11087 -- Mark Harrold 11088% 11089Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, 11090 He must be a communist. 11091And a beard and long hair, 11092 Must be a pacifist. 11093 11094 What's in that pipe that he's smoking? 11095 -- Arlo Guthrie 11096% 11097Satellite Safety Tip #14: 11098 If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck. 11099% 11100Sattinger's Law: 11101 It works better if you plug it in. 11102% 11103Saturday night in Toledo Ohio, 11104 Is like being nowhere at all, 11105All through the day how the hours rush by, 11106 You sit in the park and you watch the grass die. 11107 -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio" 11108% 11109Sauron is alive in Argentina! 11110% 11111Save energy: be apathetic. 11112% 11113Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda. 11114% 11115Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 11116% 11117Saw a sign on a restaurant that said Breakfast, any time -- so I 11118ordered French Toast in the Renaissance. 11119 -- Steven Wright 11120% 11121SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! 11122 -- Ken Thompson 11123% 11124Schapiro's Explanation: 11125 The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's 11126because they use more manure. 11127% 11128Schizophrenia beats being alone. 11129% 11130Schlattwhapper, n.: 11131 The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down, 11132hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face. 11133 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11134% 11135Schnuffel, n.: 11136 A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in 11137mixed company. 11138 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11139% 11140Schwiggle, n.: 11141 The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a 11142pencil. 11143 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11144% 11145Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made 11146of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts 11147is not necessarily science. 11148 -- Henri Poincar'e 11149% 11150Science is what happens when preconception meets verification. 11151% 11152Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it. 11153 -- William Buckley 11154 11155% 11156SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) 11157 You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will 11158 achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of 11159 ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered. 11160% 11161Scott's first Law: 11162 No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. 11163% 11164Scott's second Law: 11165 When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found 11166to have been wrong in the first place. 11167 11168Corollary: 11169 After the correction has been found in error, it will be 11170impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation. 11171% 11172Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it! 11173Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock? 11174Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table. 11175Kirk: Then it's of external origin? 11176Spock: Affirmative. 11177Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two. 11178Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two. 11179% 11180Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else. 11181% 11182Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the 11183Presidency. 11184 -- Richard Nixon 11185% 11186Second Law of Business Meetings: 11187 If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you 11188will pick the wrong one. 11189 11190Corollary: 11191 If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it 11192wrong, anyway. 11193% 11194Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State). 11195 In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a 11196multiline message byte. 11197 In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message 11198must be sent passive true. 11199 The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter: 11200 (1) The ANRS if DAV is false 11201 (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither: 11202 (a) The LADS is active 11203 (b) Nor LACS is active 11204 11205 -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for 11206 Programmable Instrumentation 11207% 11208Security check: INTRUDER ALERT! 11209% 11210Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. 11211She scissored short. Sorely shorn, 11212Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, 11213Silently scheming, 11214Sightlessly seeking 11215Some savage, spectacular suicide. 11216 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 11217% 11218See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ... 11219% 11220Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine: 11221 Ice Cream cures all ills. 11222% 11223Self Test for Paranoia: 11224 You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's 11225your own fault. 11226% 11227Seminars, n.: 11228 From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion. 11229% 11230Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would 11231 notify you if the record has pornographic material or 11232 material glorifying violence?" 11233Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me." 11234Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's 11235 legs on the album cover is good indication that it's 11236 not for little Johnny." 11237 11238 -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock 11239 lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985 11240% 11241Senate, n.: 11242 A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and 11243misdemeanors. 11244 -- Ambrose Bierce 11245% 11246Serenity through viciousness. 11247% 11248Serocki's Stricture: 11249 Marriage is always a bachelor's last option. 11250% 11251Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence. 11252% 11253 "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated 11254thoughtfully. "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY 11255advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now." 11256 "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly. 11257 "Too proud?" the other enquired. 11258 Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean," 11259she said, "that one can't help growing older." 11260 "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With 11261proper assistance, you might have left off at seven." 11262 -- Lewis Carroll 11263% 11264Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a 11265big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at 11266reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's 11267build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up 11268like crabgrass all over the United States. 11269 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 11270% 11271Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke. 11272% 11273Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. 11274 -- Swami X 11275% 11276Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. 11277 -- M. C. Reed 11278% 11279Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, 11280it's one of the best. 11281 -- Woody Allen 11282% 11283Shamus, n. [Yiddish]: 11284 A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the 11285temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. 11286 A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagogue 11287functionaries, and there's a joke about that: 11288 A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the 11289middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be 11290bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" 11291 The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I 11292am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks 11293he's nobody!" 11294 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 11295% 11296Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off 11297during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. 11298 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 11299 Teen Should Know" 11300% 11301Shaw's Principle: 11302 Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will 11303want to use it. 11304% 11305She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to. 11306 -- Gypsy Rose Lee 11307% 11308She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot. 11309 -- Mark Twain 11310% 11311She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them 11312were bad. 11313% 11314She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could 11315have poured on a waffle ... 11316% 11317She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing, 11318you should hear me play piano.' 11319 -- Morrisey 11320% 11321She's genuinely bogus. 11322% 11323Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have 11324taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an 11325excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature. 11326 -- Samuel Johnson 11327% 11328SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT! 11329POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE! 11330% 11331Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is 11332playing golf with his boss. 11333% 11334Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change. 11335% 11336Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help. 11337 -- from the Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet 11338% 11339Silverman's Law: 11340 If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. 11341% 11342Simon's Law: 11343 Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. 11344% 11345Since I hurt my pendulum 11346My life is all erratic. 11347My parrot, who was cordial, 11348Is now transmitting static. 11349The carpet died, a palm collapsed, 11350The cat keeps doing poo. 11351The only thing that keeps me sane 11352Is talking to my shoe. 11353 -- My Shoe 11354% 11355Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're 11356alive. 11357 -- John Sloan 11358% 11359Since we're all here, we must not be all there. 11360 -- Bob "Mountain" Beck 11361% 11362[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the 11363vices I admire. 11364 -- Winston Churchill 11365% 11366Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the Vulgate 11367Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull automatically 11368excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text. 11369This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. He personally 11370examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the published 11371Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be 11372printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result provoked wry 11373comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had 11374no recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy. 11375% 11376Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor): 11377 That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, 11378or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should 11379have gotten. 11380% 11381Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes 11382to work. 11383% 11384Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, 11385when a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and 11386apparently incoherent songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I 11387neither saw nor heard as those without might see and hear. They told a 11388tale which was then altogether beyond my feeble comprehension: they 11389were tones, loud, long and deep, breathing the prayer and complaint of 11390souls boiling over with the bitterest anguish. Every tone was a 11391testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God for deliverance from 11392chains. 11393 -- Frederick Douglass 11394% 11395Slick's Three Laws of the Universe: 11396 (1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad 11397 check. 11398 (2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. 11399 (3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is 11400 attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is 11401 attracted to dark objects. 11402% 11403Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ... 11404% 11405Slurm, n.: 11406 The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when 11407it sits in the dish too long. 11408 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11409% 11410Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. 11411 -- Fletcher Knebel 11412% 11413Snacktrek, n.: 11414 The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly 11415returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have 11416materialized. 11417 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11418% 11419So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate 11420your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and 11421hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast 11422array of 8-millimeter video equipment. 11423 11424... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you 11425were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format 11426that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as 11427toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be 11428made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a 11429format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*. 11430 -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics 11431 Revolution" 11432% 11433So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in 11434praise of intelligence. 11435 -- Bertrand Russell 11436% 11437... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those 11438who wish to tyranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent, 11439and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious 11440and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men. 11441 -- Voltarine de Cleyre 11442% 11443 So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. 11444With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to 11445maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of 11446corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to 11447flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward 11448it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and -- 11449I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in 11450the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us. 11451 Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and 11452I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our 11453heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're 11454unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water 11455up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the 11456opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of 11457our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all 11458the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers 11459cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen 11460these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked 11461into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads. 11462 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 11463% 11464So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple 11465pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops 11466its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very 11467imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, 11468and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, 11469and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the 11470gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots. 11471 -- Samuel Foote 11472% 11473... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their 11474procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as 11475to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of 11476sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making 11477documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly 11478listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another 11479documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking, 11480under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the 11481effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply 11482scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White 11483in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of 11484thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and 11485then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very 11486dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all 11487along. 11488 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 11489% 11490So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? 11491And why can't he ever remember his Bible? 11492% 11493Sodd's Second Law: 11494 Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is 11495bound to occur. 11496% 11497Software, n.: 11498 Formal evening attire for female computer analysts. 11499% 11500Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit. 11501% 11502Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them. 11503 -- Ed Howe 11504% 11505Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to 11506celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around 11507stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on 11508"The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind 11509of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The 11510government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level 11511Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and 11512billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which 11513it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming 11514thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with 11515the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money 11516and go to a mall. 11517 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 11518% 11519Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some 11520people have mediocrity thrust upon them. 11521 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" 11522% 11523Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have only 11524one life to live, let me live it as a jerk." 11525% 11526Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit 11527them on the head. 11528% 11529Some people live life in the fast lane. You're in oncoming traffic. 11530% 11531Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when 11532you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even 11533worse. 11534 -- Avery 11535% 11536Some points to remember [about animals]: 11537 11538(1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri, 11539 hippopotamuses; 11540(2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the 11541 front of your clothes; 11542(3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs 11543 you have just kicked. 11544 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 11545% 11546Some primal termite knocked on wood. 11547And tasted it, and found it good. 11548And that is why your Cousin May 11549Fell through the parlor floor today. 11550 -- Ogden Nash 11551% 11552Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand 11553progress. 11554% 11555Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand 11556progress. 11557 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 11558% 11559Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the 11560pens will multiply instead of disappear. 11561% 11562Someone will try to honk your nose today. 11563% 11564Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm 11565the only ashtray. 11566% 11567Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. 11568 -- Lily Tomlin 11569% 11570"Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the 11571Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then 11572intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men 11573and women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our 11574best, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are 11575we not God's Machineries of Joy?" 11576 11577"If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin." 11578 -- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy" 11579% 11580Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering. 11581% 11582Song Title of the Week: 11583 "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change 11584in me." 11585% 11586Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. 11587(Those who have already paid may disregard this fortune). 11588% 11589Sorry, no fortune this time. 11590% 11591Sorry. I forget what I was going to say. 11592% 11593Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- 11594bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the 11595road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space. 11596 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 11597% 11598Spare no expense to save money on this one. 11599 -- Samuel Goldwyn 11600% 11601Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers: 11602 If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as 11603if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question 11604back at him. 11605% 11606Speak roughly to your little boy, 11607 And beat him when he sneezes: 11608He only does it to annoy 11609 Because he knows it teases. 11610 11611 Wow! wow! wow! 11612 11613I speak severely to my boy, 11614 And beat him when he sneezes: 11615For he can thoroughly enjoy 11616 The pepper when he pleases! 11617 11618 Wow! wow! wow! 11619 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland" 11620% 11621Speak roughly to your little VAX, 11622 And boot it when it crashes; 11623It knows that one cannot relax 11624 Because the paging thrashes! 11625 11626 Wow! Wow! Wow! 11627 11628I speak severely to my VAX, 11629 And boot it when it crashes; 11630In spite of all my favorite hacks 11631 My jobs it always thrashes! 11632 11633 Wow! Wow! Wow! 11634% 11635Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword. 11636% 11637Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. 11638 -- Dave Millman 11639% 11640Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am 11641sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, 11642cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free 11643the middle third? Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a 11644bit string and assign the result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a 11645controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before 11646passing it back? Overlay three different types of variable on the same 11647memory location? Anything you say! Write a recursive macro? Well, 11648no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language so obviously 11649designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use? 11650% 11651Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror: 11652 11653 With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair 11654 He throws the spinning disk drives in the air! 11655 And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down 11656 As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds! 11657 Helpless users with projects due 11658 Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too! 11659 11660 Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla! 11661 Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!" 11662 11663* VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation 11664* DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc. 11665 -- Curtis Jackson 11666% 11667Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently 11668these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people 11669to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't 11670communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so 11671on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real 11672life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't 11673communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very _____least 11674he can do is to Shut Up! 11675 -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was" 11676% 11677Speed is subsittute fo accurancy. 11678% 11679Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading: 11680 The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the 11681number of times you have looked at it. 11682% 11683Spelling is a lossed art. 11684% 11685Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers. 11686% 11687Spirtle, n.: 11688 The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in 11689your eye. 11690 -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" 11691% 11692Spouse, n.: 11693 Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you 11694wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. 11695% 11696Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist 11697drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to pur'ee of bat guano; and the 11698greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll 11699take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up! 11700 -- Harlan Ellison 11701% 11702Stay away from flying saucers today. 11703% 11704Stay away from hurricanes for a while. 11705% 11706Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly. 11707% 11708Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: 11709 Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have 11710another drink. 11711% 11712Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming: 11713 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to 11714handle. 11715% 11716Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. 11717% 11718Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. 11719Now, if they'd only take a bath ... 11720% 11721Stult's Report: 11722 Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is 11723fight the solutions. 11724% 11725Stupid, adj.: 11726 Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay. 11727% 11728Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out? 11729% 11730Sturgeon's Law: 11731 90% of everything is crud. 11732% 11733Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your 11734editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. 11735 -- Mark Twain 11736% 11737Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way 11738before it is understood. 11739% 11740Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring. 11741% 11742Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar 11743without his duck ... 11744% 11745(Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA) 11746 11747 To code the impossible code, 11748 To bring up a virgin machine, 11749 To pop out of endless recursion, 11750 To grok what appears on the screen, 11751 11752 To right the unrightable bug, 11753 To endlessly twiddle and thrash, 11754 To mount the unmountable magtape, 11755 To stop the unstoppable crash! 11756% 11757Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have! 11758% 11759Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy. 11760% 11761Support your local police force -- steal!! 11762% 11763Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost. 11764% 11765Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead! 11766% 11767Surprise due today. Also the rent. 11768% 11769Surprise your boss. Get to work on time. 11770% 11771Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit! Just type 11772in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving 11773the room is punishable under law: 11774 11775Name # 11776 11777 11778% 11779Swahili, n.: 11780 The language used by the National Enquirer to print their retractions. 11781 -- Johnny Hart 11782% 11783Sweater, n.: 11784 A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly. 11785% 11786Swipple's Rule of Order: 11787 He who shouts the loudest has the floor. 11788% 11789Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon. 11790 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 11791% 11792Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad 11793infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over. 11794 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 11795% 11796 _ 11797 _ / \ o 11798 / \ | | o o o 11799 | | | | _ o o o o 11800 | \_| | / \ o o o 11801 \__ | | | o o 11802 | | | | ______ ~~~~ _____ 11803 | |__/ | / ___--\\ ~~~ __/_____\__ 11804 | ___/ / \--\\ \\ \ ___ <__ x x __\ 11805 | | / /\\ \\ )) \ ( " ) 11806 | | -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >----------- 11807 | | // | | //__________ / \ ____) (___ \\ 11808 | | // __|_| ( --------- ) //// ______ /////\ \\ 11809 // | ( \ ______ / <<<< <>-----<<<<< / \\ 11810 // ( ) / / \` \__ \\ 11811 //-------------------------------------------------------------\\ 11812 11813Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels 11814start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and 11815then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the 11816music at top volume and at least a pint of ether. 11817 -- H. S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" 11818% 11819T: One big monster, he called TROLL. 11820 He don't rock, and he don't roll; 11821 Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies. 11822 He just Love To Eat Them Roguies. 11823 -- The Roguelet's ABC 11824% 11825Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a 11826hole in his head. 11827% 11828Tact, n.: 11829 The unsaid part of what you're thinking. 11830% 11831Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way. 11832% 11833Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting 11834enough cheese. 11835 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 11836% 11837Take it easy, we're in a hurry. 11838% 11839Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it 11840needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. 11841 -- Kipling 11842% 11843Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit 11844back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good 11845beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up 11846drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a 11847nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves 11848and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So 11849Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw 11850no need to improve ... 11851 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 11852% 11853Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to 11854your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms, 11855and they'll call you crazy. 11856 -- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul" 11857% 11858Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. 11859 -- Euripides 11860% 11861Talkers are no good doers. 11862 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 11863% 11864Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. 11865 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 11866% 11867TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) 11868 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged 11869 determination and work like hell. Most people think you are 11870 stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist. 11871% 11872Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind 11873the tree." 11874 -- Russell Long 11875% 11876Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself 11877out of the market. 11878% 11879Taxes, n.: 11880 Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get 11881an extension. 11882% 11883Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when they 11884grows up, they will never be able to edge their car onto a freeway. 11885% 11886Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else. 11887% 11888Technological progress has merely provided us 11889with more efficient means for going backwards. 11890 -- Aldous Huxley 11891% 11892Telephone, n.: 11893 An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the 11894advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. 11895 -- Ambrose Bierce 11896% 11897Tell me, O Octopus, I begs, 11898Is those things arms, or is they legs? 11899I marvel at thee, Octopus; 11900If I were thou, I'd call me us. 11901 -- Ogden Nash 11902% 11903Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop 11904writing. 11905 -- R. Geis 11906% 11907Terence, this is stupid stuff: 11908You eat your victuals fast enough; 11909There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear, 11910To see the rate you drink your beer. 11911But oh, good Lord, the verse you make, 11912It gives a chap the belly-ache. 11913The cow, the old cow, she is dead; 11914It sleeps well the horned head: 11915We poor lads, 'tis our turn now 11916To hear such tunes as killed the cow. 11917Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme 11918Your friends to death before their time. 11919Moping, melancholy mad: 11920Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad. 11921 -- A. E. Housman 11922% 11923Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a 11924surprising amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one 11925hand considered the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other 11926hand were unwilling to risk offending God's grandmother. 11927 -- Len Cool, "American Pie" 11928% 11929Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a 11930pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city 11931until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian .... To him is 11932ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe 11933because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical 11934fact, for he merely said: 11935 11936 "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because 11937 it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain 11938 because it is impossible." 11939 11940Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of 11941philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it. 11942 -- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types 11943 11944(Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church). 11945% 11946Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones. 11947% 11948Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession. 11949% 11950Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even 11951one which cannot be justified on any other grounds. 11952 -- J. Finnegan, USC. 11953% 11954Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future. 11955 -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly 11956% 11957That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver. 11958 -- Foghorn Leghorn 11959% 11960That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all. 11961 -- Moliere 11962% 11963That secret you've been guarding, isn't. 11964% 11965That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. 11966 -- Dorothy Parker 11967% 11968The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy. 11969% 11970The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by 11971people who want some. 11972 -- Dwight MacDonald 11973% 11974The Abrams' Principle: 11975 The shortest distance between two points is off the wall. 11976% 11977The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper 11978 -- Thomas Jefferson 11979% 11980The Advertising Agency Song: 11981 11982 When your client's hopping mad, 11983 Put his picture in the ad. 11984 If he still should prove refractory, 11985 Add a picture of his factory. 11986% 11987The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug 11988someone with it. 11989 -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340 11990% 11991... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that 11992consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune 11993of "Camptown Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to 11994listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it. 11995 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 11996% 11997The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas 11998River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little 11999Rock. 12000% 12001The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. 12002Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed 12003and color, but also on ability. 12004 -- T. Lehrer 12005% 12006The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe. 12007 -- Bill Murray 12008% 12009The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use 12010in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the 12011Declaration not for that, but for future use. 12012 -- Abraham Lincoln 12013% 12014The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m. 12015% 12016The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the 12017average man can see better than he can think. 12018% 12019The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by 12020people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried 12021anything. 12022 -- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore 12023% 12024The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than 12025cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and 12026difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, 12027which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- 12028here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO 12029RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you 12030want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking 12031lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a 12032squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out 12033and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault, 12034his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was 12035neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking 12036lots. 12037 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 12038% 12039The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit 12040called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in 12041writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would 12042be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices 12043immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a 12044bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special 12045Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of 12046paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patty 12047would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning. 12048The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to 12049emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood 12050Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets." 12051 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" 12052% 12053The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; 12054but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman. 12055% 12056The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. 12057 -- W. C. Fields 12058% 12059The best defense against logic is ignorance. 12060% 12061The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. 12062% 12063"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and 12064blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. 12065You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at 12066night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only 12067love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or 12068know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only 12069one thing for it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what 12070wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, 12071never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never 12072dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a 12073lot of things there are to learn." 12074 -- T.H. White, "The Once and Future King" 12075% 12076The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them 12077is a match. 12078 -- Will Rogers 12079% 12080The bigger the theory the better. 12081% 12082The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse 12083time. 12084 -- Merrick Furst 12085% 12086The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time for Miss 12087Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public. 12088 12089It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners has been 12090known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a curb, and, 12091in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a foot or two 12092under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the sight of 12093people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand dresses up a 12094city considerably more than the more familiar sight of people shaking 12095umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to is the kind of 12096activity that frightens the horses on the street ... 12097% 12098The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch. 12099% 12100The bogosity meter just pegged. 12101% 12102The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up 12103in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school. 12104% 12105The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development: 12106 To determine how long it will take to write and debug a 12107program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and 12108convert to the next higher units. 12109% 12110The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. 12111Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in 12112automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo. 12113 -- Art Buchwald 12114% 12115The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding 12116bureaucracy. 12117% 12118The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the 12119flexibility and power of assembly language with the readability 12120of assembly language. 12121% 12122The camel has a single hump; 12123The dromedary two; 12124Or else the other way around. 12125I'm never sure. Are you? 12126 -- Ogden Nash 12127% 12128The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly 12129greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed 12130inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner 12131party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics. 12132 -- H. L. Mencken 12133% 12134The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain. 12135 -- G. Fitch 12136% 12137The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up 12138at the steam fitters' picnic. 12139% 12140The chief cause of problems is solutions. 12141 -- Eric Sevareid 12142% 12143The chief danger in life is that you may take too may precautions. 12144 -- Alfred Adler 12145% 12146The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will 12147walk carefully. 12148 -- Russian Proverb 12149% 12150The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere. 12151% 12152The Computer made me do it. 12153% 12154The computing field is always in need of new cliches. 12155 -- Alan Perlis 12156% 12157The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his 12158memos. 12159 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 12160% 12161The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other 12162subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up 12163every bird watcher in the country. 12164 -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972 12165% 12166The Consultant's Curse: 12167 When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him 12168what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong 12169medicine, and is normally only required once. 12170% 12171The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is 12172none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but." 12173Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. 12174Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you 12175talked about. 12176 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 12177% 12178The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. 12179% 12180The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down. 12181% 12182The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to 12183eat. 12184 -- John McNulty 12185% 12186The Crown is full of it! 12187 -- Nate Harris, 1775 12188% 12189The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should 12190therefore be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could 12191hardly be propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to 12192declare war and they are screened at once from scrutiny ... In war, 12193then, as in peace, assert the freedom of speech and of the press. 12194Cling to this as the bulwark of all our rights and privileges. 12195 -- William Ellery Channing 12196% 12197The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. 12198% 12199The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of 12200us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching 12201Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe. 12202% 12203The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary? 12204% 12205The devil finds work for idle circuits to do. 12206% 12207The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell 12208into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him 12209out again, it would be a calamity. 12210 -- Benjamin Disraeli 12211% 12212The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science 12213requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship. 12214 -- Robert Heinlein 12215% 12216The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the 12217following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates: 12218 12219 "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. 12220Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is 12221Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous. 12222 "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish. 12223Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. 12224Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. 12225Macaroons are ____very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is 12226goyish. Lime soda is ____very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that 12227Jews won't go near them ..." 12228 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 12229% 12230The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on 12231a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets. 12232% 12233The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man 12234really clever who has not found that he is stupid. 12235 -- Gilbert K. Chesterson 12236% 12237The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show 12238off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his 12239next hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the 12240duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the 12241duck and returned it to his master. 12242 "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly. 12243 "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim." 12244% 12245The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late 12246and owns the worm farm. 12247 -- Travis McGee 12248% 12249The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. 12250% 12251The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and 12252add ten percent. 12253% 12254The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on 12255weather forecasters. 12256 -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann 12257% 12258The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not 12259Compute' -- I forget which. 12260 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 12261% 12262The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of 12263civilization. 12264 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 12265% 12266The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with 12267symposium to follow. 12268% 12269The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach 12270their children to speak it. 12271 -- G. B. Shaw 12272% 12273The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a 12274remarkable Christian forbearance among men. 12275 -- Ambrose Bierce 12276% 12277The fact that it works is immaterial. 12278 -- L. Ogborn 12279% 12280The faster we go, the rounder we get. 12281 -- The Grateful Dead 12282% 12283The Fifth Rule: 12284 You have taken yourself too seriously. 12285% 12286The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. 12287 -- Abbie Hoffman 12288% 12289The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King 12290Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a 12291tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad 12292forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously 12293fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of 12294threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked 12295suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of 12296foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead 12297one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with 12298dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found 12299drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown 12300and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have 12301thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture 12302of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left 12303in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed 12304crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave 12305Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when 12306a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful 12307throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system. 12308 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 12309% 12310The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of 12311management is that success equals skill. 12312 -- Robert Heller 12313% 12314The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish 12315child, was propounded to me by my father: 12316 "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and 12317whistles?" 12318 I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity 12319gave up. 12320 "A herring," said my father. 12321 "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" 12322 "So hang it there." 12323 "But a herring isn't green!" I protested. 12324 "Paint it." 12325 "But a herring isn't wet." 12326 "If it's just painted it's still wet." 12327 "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring 12328doesn't whistle!!" 12329 "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it 12330hard." 12331 -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish" 12332% 12333The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your 12334hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do. 12335 -- McCloctnik the Lucid 12336% 12337The First Rule of Program Optimization: 12338 Don't do it. 12339 12340The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): 12341 Don't do it yet. 12342 -- Michael Jackson 12343% 12344The first time, it's a KLUDGE! 12345The second, a trick. 12346Later, it's a well-established technique! 12347 -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics 12348% 12349The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions 12350Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals: 12351 12352As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of 12353logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more 12354appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the 12355four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector. 12356 . . . 12357Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible 12358blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves 12359parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge 12360of the hyper-cube. 12361% 12362The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by 12363a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities. 12364% 12365The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and vinyl. 12366 -- Dave Barry 12367% 12368The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the 12369number of your kids by 32 teeth. 12370% 12371The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to 12372chance. 12373% 12374The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness. 12375% 12376The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the 12377center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South 12378Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South 12379End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. 12380% 12381The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled 12382today. 12383% 12384The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at 12385least until we've finished building it. 12386% 12387The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. 12388The goal of nature is to build better mice. 12389% 12390The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him 12391love and he invented marriage. 12392% 12393THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES 12394 The one who has the gold makes the rules. 12395% 12396The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who 12397make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians 12398have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine 12399man in the bonds of Hell. 12400 -- St. Augustine 12401% 12402The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got 12403to be good. 12404% 12405 "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop") 12406 12407On the good ship Enterprise 12408Every week there's a new surprise 12409Where the Romulans lurk 12410And the Klingons often go berserk. 12411 12412Yes, the good ship Enterprise 12413There's excitement anywhere it flies 12414Where Tribbles play 12415And Nurse Chapel never gets her way. 12416 12417 See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge, 12418 Mr. Spock is at his side. 12419 The weekly menace, ooh-ooh 12420 It gets fried, scattered far and wide. 12421 12422It's the good ship Enterprise 12423Heading out where danger lies 12424And you live in dread 12425If you're wearing a shirt that's red. 12426 -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics 12427% 12428The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of 12429statistics. These are raised to the _nth degree, the cube roots are 12430extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive 12431displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every 12432case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts 12433down anything he damn well pleases. 12434 -- Sir Josiah Stamp 12435% 12436The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all 12437who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature. 12438 -- Benjamin Franklin 12439% 12440The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog: 12441 The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in 12442courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk 12443clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods 12444of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp 12445Hedgehog Eater. 12446 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 12447% 12448The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men 12449of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding. 12450 -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis 12451% 12452The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. 12453 -- Albert Einstein 12454% 12455The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a 12456custom whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the 12457contrary, nohow. 12458% 12459The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: 12460 You can never be sure how many beers you had last night. 12461% 12462The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent 12463thinkers. 12464% 12465The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back, 12466which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at 12467least 5000 years old." 12468% 12469The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for 12470lists of "Ten Best". 12471 -- H. Allen Smith 12472% 12473The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and 12474has gills through which it can see. 12475 -- Monty Python 12476% 12477The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its 12478capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system. 12479% 12480The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange 12481protein -- it rejects it. 12482 -- P. Medawar 12483% 12484The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can 12485remember. Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider 12486struggling to weave its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in 12487spring, the shark reveals to us yet another of the infinite and 12488wonderful facets of nature, namely the facet that it can bite your head 12489off. This causes us humans to feel a certain degree of awe. 12490 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 12491% 12492The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. 12493 -- Mark Twain 12494% 12495The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that 12496procession but carrying a banner. 12497 -- Mark Twain 12498% 12499The idea is to die young as late as possible. 12500 -- Ashley Montague 12501% 12502The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic 12503devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers, 12504where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with 12505sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed, 12506consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than 12507have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones 12508repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist 12509of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic 12510devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!" 12511 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" 12512% 12513The identical is equal to itself, since it is different. 12514 -- Franco Spisani 12515% 12516The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit longer. 12517 -- Henry Kissinger 12518% 12519The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf 12520has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know 12521when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr. 12522 -- Will Rogers 12523% 12524The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important 12525point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly 12526important thing to people. 12527 -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King 12528% 12529The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the 12530number of participants. 12531 -- Adam Walinsky 12532% 12533The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided 12534by the number of people in the group. 12535% 12536The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free 12537information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a 12538dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a 12539real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless. 12540 12541So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never 12542pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big 12543consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes... 12544 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 12545% 12546The Kennedy Constant: 12547 Don't get mad -- get even. 12548% 12549The Killer Ducks are coming!!! 12550% 12551The ladies men admire, I've heard, 12552Would shudder at a wicked word. 12553Their candle gives a single light; 12554They'd rather stay at home at night. 12555They do not keep awake till three, 12556Nor read erotic poetry. 12557They never sanction the impure, 12558Nor recognize an overture. 12559They shrink from powders and from paints ... 12560So far, I've had no complaints. 12561 -- Dorothy Parker 12562% 12563The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a 12564word processor," I replied, "They used to say the same thing about 12565drugs." 12566 -- Roy Blount, Jr. 12567% 12568The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the 12569law free. 12570 -- Henry David Thoreau 12571% 12572The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the 12573poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal 12574bread. 12575 -- Anatole France 12576% 12577The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all 12578men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the 12579universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we 12580presently imagine we own. 12581 -- H. G. Wells 12582% 12583 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE 12584 12585SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language 12586Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for 12587Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code 12588with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, 12589END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make 12590a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus 12591they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without 12592the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging. 12593% 12594 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP 12595 12596This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of 12597an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said 12598to be useful in protheththing lithtth. 12599% 12600 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL 12601 12602SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. 12603Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they 12604compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the 12605coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom 12606sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to 12607compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but 12608infinitely faster) language, COCAINE. 12609% 12610 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE 12611 12612Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely 12613unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just 12614are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. 12615SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at 12616parties. 12617% 12618 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C- 12619 12620This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he 12621submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is 12622best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the 12623language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code 12624statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very 12625similar to COBOL. 12626% 12627 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18a: FIFTH 12628 12629FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types 12630refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and 12631JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and 12632BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, 12633CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND. 12634 12635The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and 12636financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include 12637VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH 12638and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers 12639who end up using this language. 12640% 12641 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE 12642 12643Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene 12644Descartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The 12645language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics 12646and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A 12647spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of 12648ours." 12649 12650The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have 12651almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the 12652organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to 12653exist. 12654% 12655 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL 12656From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley, 12657VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry. 12658 12659Here is a sample program: 12660 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START 12661 IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND 12662 VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN 12663 FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100 12664 DO*WAH - (DITTY**2) 12665 BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT) 12666 SURE 12667 LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM 12668 REALLY 12669 LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW) 12670 IM*SURE 12671 GOTO THE MALL 12672 12673When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message: 12674 12675 GAG ME WITH A SPOON!! 12676% 12677 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK 12678 12679This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi, 12680Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to 12681the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley. 12682 12683The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs 12684while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there 12685because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and 12686Perrier. 12687 12688Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle 12689and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower 12690case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the 12691message: 12692 "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can 12693 you find the time to try it again?" 12694% 12695The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching 12696train. 12697% 12698The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon. 12699% 12700The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get 12701much sleep. 12702 -- Woody Allen 12703% 12704The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself. 12705 -- Henry Kissinger 12706% 12707The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as 12708we could with both of them. 12709 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" 12710% 12711The makers may make 12712And the users may use, 12713But the fixers must fix 12714With but minimal clues 12715% 12716The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the 12717crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no 12718one has ever been. 12719 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt 12720% 12721The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that 12722will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. 12723 -- Mark Twain 12724% 12725The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a 12726soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which 12727when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years. 12728% 12729... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ... 12730 -- Dave Barry 12731% 12732The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse. 12733% 12734 The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the 12735klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream." 12736 12737 "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?" 12738 12739 "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?" 12740% 12741The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to 12742devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation. 12743 -- Lew Mammel, Jr. 12744% 12745The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might 12746be general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the 12747law that any field that had the word "science" in its name was 12748guaranteed thereby not to be a science. He would cite as examples 12749Military Science, Library Science, Political Science, Homemaking 12750Science, Social Science, and Computer Science. Discuss the generality 12751of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive 12752power. 12753 -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems 12754 Thinking." 12755% 12756The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything. 12757 -- Laurence J. Peter 12758% 12759The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me. 12760 -- Nicol Williamson 12761% 12762The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader. 12763% 12764The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away. 12765% 12766The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the 12767lower the mailing cost. 12768 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 12769% 12770The more laws and order are made prominent, 12771the more thieves and robbers there will be. 12772 -- Lao Tsu 12773% 12774The more things change, the more they stay insane. 12775% 12776The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us 12777is right. 12778% 12779The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey. 12780 -- Andy Warhol 12781% 12782The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and 12783to watch someone else do it wrong without comment. 12784 -- Theodore H. White 12785% 12786The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new 12787discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..." 12788 -- Isaac Asimov 12789% 12790The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on. 12791% 12792... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!! 12793% 12794 "... The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!" 12795 "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to 12796feel interested. 12797 "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little 12798vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged 12799Aged Man.'" 12800 "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?" 12801Alice corrected herself. 12802 "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is 12803called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!" 12804 "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this time 12805completely bewildered. 12806 "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is 12807"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention." 12808 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 12809% 12810The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 128111986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert. 12812 -- D. Letterman 12813% 12814The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says: 12815 Support your right to bare arms! 12816% 12817The net of law is spread so wide, 12818No sinner from its sweep may hide. 12819Its meshes are so fine and strong, 12820They take in every child of wrong. 12821O wondrous web of mystery! 12822Big fish alone escape from thee! 12823 -- James Jeffrey Roche 12824% 12825The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I 12826hope I don't get run over again. 12827% 12828The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory, 12829in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system. 12830 12831 But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for 12832 whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. 12833 -- Matthew 5:37 12834% 12835The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The 12836Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country. 12837The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive 12838and running the country ... 12839 -- Robert J. Woodhead 12840% 12841The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to 12842choose from. 12843 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum 12844% 12845The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the 1284680-column card. 12847 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 12848% 12849The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should 12850serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society 12851these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their 12852function is to serve as checks upon the state. 12853 -- Alan Barth 12854% 12855The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are 12856correct. 12857 -- Ralph Hartley 12858% 12859The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly 12860analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their 12861occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve 12862these problems when called upon. 12863 12864However, when you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to 12865remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp. 12866% 12867The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: 12868 Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm, 12869Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate 12870Planning." 12871% 12872The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. 12873% 12874The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age 12875brings wisdom. 12876 -- H. L. Mencken 12877% 12878The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader 12879catch his own breath. 12880 -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart 12881% 12882The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when 12883to cringe. 12884% 12885The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the 12886`social sciences' is: some do, some don't. 12887 -- Ernest Rutherford 12888% 12889The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop 12890and take a rest. 12891% 12892The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon. 12893 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and 12894 Over and Over" 12895% 12896The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it. 12897% 12898The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber 12899has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, 12900finished, and put inside boxes. 12901 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 12902% 12903The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. 12904It is never any use to oneself. 12905 -- Oscar Wilde 12906% 12907The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from history. 12908 -- Hegel 12909 12910I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the 12911long view. 12912 -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar" 12913% 12914The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. 12915 -- Oscar Wilde 12916% 12917The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up 12918until 5 or 6 p.m. 12919% 12920The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. 12921 -- Niels Bohr 12922% 12923The optimum committee has no members. 12924 -- Norman Augustine 12925% 12926The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost 12927went back in time. 12928 -- Steven Wright 12929% 12930The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because 12931it isn't here. 12932 -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley) 12933% 12934The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it 12935were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. 12936 -- H. L. Mencken 12937% 12938 The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the 12939Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a 12940large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' 12941it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the 12942apparatus for a spectator sport. 12943 12944 The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for 12945castrating pigs during Sunday service. 12946 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 12947% 12948The Pig, if I am not mistaken, 12949Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. 12950Let others think his heart is big, 12951I think it stupid of the Pig. 12952 -- Ogden Nash 12953% 12954The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter 12955swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the 12956batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The 12957center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute 12958his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it. 12959 -- Dizzy Dean 12960% 12961The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose. 12962 -- David Lardner 12963% 12964The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish 12965to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it 12966is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of 12967courtesy, not expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own 12968preferences. Only then can we hope to restore the insult to its proper 12969social function of expressing true distaste. 12970 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to 12971 Excruciatingly Correct Behavior" 12972% 12973The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more often. 12974% 12975The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher, 12976 Were each of them once a kiddie. 12977A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature. 12978 Do I want one? God Forbiddie! 12979 -- Ogden Nash 12980% 12981The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his 12982brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is 12983Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers. 12984 -- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter 12985% 12986The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday 12987they might force their beliefs on us. 12988 -- Mario Cuomo 12989% 12990The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired 12991warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by 12992changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped 12993marker. 12994 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 12995% 12996The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to 12997constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every 12998appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA 12999statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This 13000also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change. 13001 -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers 13002% 13003The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough 13004voters to win the next election. 13005% 13006The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" 13007represents the secondary theme: 13008 13009 Law Enforcement Officials 13010 13011The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: 13012 13013 Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials 13014 13015 -- M. Gallaher 13016% 13017... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from 13018other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in 13019charity we can only call "inhuman." 13020 -- R. A. Lafferty 13021% 13022The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the 13023stupidity of your action. 13024% 13025The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. 13026Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil 13027using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle 13028Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, 13029etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous 13030bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None 13031of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats 13032developed cancer. 13033 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 13034% 13035The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go 13036to erase it. 13037 -- Glaser and Way 13038% 13039The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to get 13040results. 13041 13042The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy 13043problems in order to get results. 13044 13045The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy 13046problems in order to get results. 13047% 13048The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be 13049pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. 13050 -- Elizabeth Taylor 13051% 13052The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 13053% 13054The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's 13055outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by 13056mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once 13057tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims 13058the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding. 13059 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 13060% 13061"The pyramid is opening!" 13062"Which one?" 13063"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" 13064 -- The Firesign Theatre, "How Can You Be In Two Places At 13065 Once When You're Not Anywhere At All" 13066% 13067The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's: 13068 "My brain is paged out to my liver" 13069% 13070The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is 13071it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, 13072that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of 13073industrial waste? 13074 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" 13075% 13076The rain it raineth on the just 13077 And also on the unjust fella, 13078But chiefly on the just, because 13079 The unjust steals the just's umbrella. 13080 --Lord Bowen 13081% 13082The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is 13083cursed. 13084% 13085The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much. 13086% 13087The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose", 13088which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape 13089Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil 13090Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like. 13091 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 13092% 13093The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one 13094persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all 13095progress depends on the unreasonable man. 13096 -- George Bernard Shaw 13097% 13098The revolution will not be televised. 13099% 13100The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. 13101 -- Emerson 13102% 13103The rhino is a homely beast, 13104For human eyes he's not a feast. 13105Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros, 13106I'll stare at something less prepoceros. 13107 -- Ogden Nash 13108% 13109The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This 13110means that only left handed people are in their right mind. 13111% 13112The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests 13113and to his imagination for his facts. 13114 -- Sheridan 13115% 13116The right to revolt has sources deep in our history. 13117 -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas 13118% 13119The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the 13120House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights 13121you have and what rights you have not got. 13122 -- J. Parnell Thomas 13123% 13124The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with 13125sloppy analysis! 13126% 13127The Roman Rule 13128 The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the 13129 one who is doing it. 13130% 13131The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in 13132his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on 13133one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't 13134take it too seriously. 13135 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 13136% 13137The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or 13138give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once. 13139 -- Jane Bryant Quinn 13140% 13141"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography" 13142% 13143The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 13144showed that all had these things in common: 13145 13146 (1) They all had moderate appetites. 13147 (2) They all came from middle class homes 13148 (3) All but two of them were dead. 13149% 13150The scum also rises. 13151 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson 13152% 13153The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, 13154respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven milestones 13155from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the 13156milestones are lifted. 13157 -- George Bernard Shaw 13158% 13159 The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood 13160as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. 13161The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in 13162the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in 13163twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive. 13164 13165 "Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached 13166everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a 13167fierce host which out-numbers Lankhmar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- 13168and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city." 13169 13170 "How?" demanded Fafhrd. 13171 13172 Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know." 13173 -- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar" 13174% 13175The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land. 13176% 13177The shortest distance between two points is under construction. 13178 -- Noelie Alito 13179% 13180The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee: 13181 The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going 13182in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long 13183way.) 13184 -- Dan Roddick 13185% 13186The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity 13187and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted 13188activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy ... 13189neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water. 13190% 13191The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their 13192money. 13193 -- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon" 13194% 13195The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up! 13196% 13197The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be 13198able to correct them. 13199 -- Nicolaides 13200% 13201The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. 13202% 13203The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's 13204readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of 13205some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet 13206reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led 13207the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well 13208known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at 13209Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program 13210of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of 13211psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three 13212Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That 13213these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a 13214further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want 13215something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from 13216the Russians. 13217 -- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973 13218% 13219 "Yoda", by "Weird Al" Yankovic; 13220 Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks: 13221 13222I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah 13223Where it bubbles all the time like a giant carbonated soda 13224 S-O-D-A soda 13225I saw the little runt sitting there on a log 13226I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda 13227 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 13228 13229Well I've been around but I ain't never seen 13230A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green 13231 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 13232Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand 13233How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand 13234 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 13235% 13236The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub. 13237% 13238The steady state of disks is full. 13239 -- Ken Thompson 13240% 13241 THE STORY OF CREATION 13242 or 13243 THE MYTH OF URK 13244 13245In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null, 13246and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM 13247was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be 13248registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried; 13249and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data 13250Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening 13251and there was morning, one interrupt. 13252 -- Rico Tudor 13253% 13254The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make 13255them unsafe. 13256 -- Mayor Frank Rizzo 13257% 13258The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and 13259is an emerging underachiever. 13260% 13261The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant 13262biology. 13263% 13264The subspace _W inherits the other 8 properties of _V. And there aren't 13265even any property taxes. 13266 -- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b 13267% 13268The sum of the Universe is zero. 13269% 13270The sun was shining on the sea, 13271Shining with all his might: 13272He did his very best to make 13273The billows smooth and bright -- 13274And this was very odd, because it was 13275The middle of the night. 13276 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 13277% 13278The superfluous is very necessary. 13279 -- Voltaire 13280% 13281The surest protection against temptation is cowardice. 13282 -- Mark Twain 13283% 13284The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our 13285authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as 13286the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as 13287the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much 13288radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much 13289as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we 13290receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the 13291Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will 13292heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to 13293the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much 13294heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for 13295radiation, (_H/_E)^4 = 50, where _E is the absolute temperature of the 13296earth (-300K), gives _H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell 13297cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the 13298fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which 13299burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means 13300that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We 13301have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. 13302 -- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972 13303% 13304The Third Law of Photography: 13305 If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined 13306when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark 13307leaks out. 13308% 13309The Three Laws of Thermodynamics: 13310 13311The First Law: You can't get anything without working for it. 13312The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break 13313 even. 13314The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero. 13315% 13316 The Three Major Kind of Tools 13317 13318* Tools for hittings things to make them loose or to tighten them up or 13319 jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a 13320 manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces, 13321 bludgeons, and truncheons.) 13322 13323* Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls) 13324 13325* Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far 13326 greater than the value of any project that could possibly result. 13327 (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses 13328 any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.) 13329 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 13330% 13331The trouble with a kitten is that 13332When it grows up, it's always a cat 13333 -- Ogden Nash 13334% 13335The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time. 13336% 13337The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate 13338it. 13339 -- Franklin P. Jones 13340% 13341The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing 13342more important to do. 13343% 13344The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody 13345appreciates how difficult it was. 13346% 13347The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths. 13348 -- Ken Kesey 13349% 13350The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie. 13351 -- Lenny Bruce 13352% 13353The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. 13354And vice versa. 13355% 13356The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks 13357Which practically conceal its sex. 13358I think it clever of the turtle 13359In such a fix to be so fertile. 13360 -- Ogden Nash 13361% 13362The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. 13363% 13364The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more 13365annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. 13366 -- Oscar Wilde 13367% 13368The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are 13369"100 percent American"... 13370 -- U. S. Army (1945) 13371% 13372The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to 13373everybody and still nobody likes him. 13374 -- Jim Samuels 13375% 13376The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be 13377broken. 13378% 13379The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the 13380combination is locked up in the safe. 13381 -- Peter DeVries 13382% 13383The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie 13384Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is said 13385to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of his 13386decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride." 13387% 13388The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and 13389religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging 13390from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its 13391yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the 13392world put together. 13393 -- Sir Peter Medawar 13394% 13395The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be 13396regarded as a criminal offense. 13397 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 13398% 13399The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes 13400the worst cigars. 13401 -- H. L. Mencken 13402% 13403The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid 13404prejudice. 13405 -- Mark Twain 13406% 13407The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. 13408Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts 13409to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to 13410be one of the facts that needs altering. 13411 -- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil" 13412% 13413The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes, 13414it's just a tired feeling: 13415% 13416The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth. 13417% 13418The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity 13419that would be clearly understood. 13420 -- Alexander Haig 13421% 13422The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start 13423with a large fortune. 13424% 13425 THE WOMBAT 13426 13427The wombat lives across the seas, 13428Among the far Antipodes. 13429He may exist on nuts and berries, 13430Or then again, on missionaries; 13431His distant habitat precludes 13432Conclusive knowledge of his moods. 13433But I would not engage the wombat 13434In any form of mortal combat. 13435% 13436The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!! 13437% 13438The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books! 13439% 13440The world is coming to an end. Please log off. 13441% 13442The world's as ugly as sin, 13443And almost as delightful. 13444 -- Frederick Locker-Lampson 13445% 13446The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of 13447four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all 13448the answers. 13449% 13450Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. 13451 13452He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, 13453then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open 13454market. 13455 13456If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should 13457not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself. 13458 13459Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree. 13460Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg. 13461Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower. 13462 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 13463% 13464Then here's to the City of Boston, 13465The town of the cries and the groans. 13466Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks, 13467And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns. 13468 -- Franklin Pierce Adams 13469% 13470 THEORY 13471Into love and out again, 13472 Thus I went and thus I go. 13473Spare your voice, and hold your pen: 13474 Well and bitterly I know 13475All the songs were ever sung, 13476 All the words were ever said; 13477Could it be, when I was young, 13478 Someone dropped me on my head? 13479 -- Dorothy Parker 13480% 13481There *__is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday. 13482% 13483There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, 13484and praiseworthy ... 13485 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 13486% 13487There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own 13488cats. 13489% 13490There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axes 13491are chosen correctly. 13492% 13493There are no games on this system. 13494% 13495There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the 13496existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any 13497marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat 13498engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is 13499obviously impossible. 13500 -- Richard Davisson 13501% 13502There are people so addicted to exaggeration 13503that they can't tell the truth without lying. 13504 -- Josh Billings 13505% 13506There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a 13507vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone. 13508 -- Gloria Steinem 13509% 13510 There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that 13511someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named 13512Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or 13513Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that 13514every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is 13515this? 13516 Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for 13517centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___you 13518can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's 13519forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster 13520-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't 13521even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover 13522why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance. 13523 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 13524% 13525There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both 13526plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; 13527and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, 13528don't we all? 13529% 13530There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells 13531and fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated 13532pools here and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving 13533them parched for wonder. There are also those who believe that if you 13534stick your fingers up your nose and blow, it will increase your 13535intelligence. 13536 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII 13537% 13538There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics. 13539 -- Disraeli 13540% 13541There are three possibilities: 13542Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun; 13543there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or 13544someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor. 13545% 13546There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be 13547offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin 13548a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount 13549of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of 13550affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. 13551When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. 13552Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. 13553 -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior 13554% 13555There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and 13556engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far 13557the more certain. 13558 -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800 13559% 13560There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring 13561the changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many 13562facts. Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next 13563fact; that's science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent 13564Universe controlled by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's 13565Factor; that's engineering. 13566% 13567There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I 13568can't remember. 13569 -- Italo Svevo 13570% 13571There are three ways to get something done: 13572 (1) Do it yourself. 13573 (2) Hire someone to do it for you. 13574 (3) Forbid your kids to do it. 13575% 13576There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire 13577someone, or forbid your kids to do it. 13578% 13579There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is 13580one of them. 13581% 13582There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect 13583the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the 13584sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too. 13585 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 13586% 13587There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good 13588sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. 13589 -- Woody Allen 13590% 13591There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to 13592make is so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the 13593other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious 13594deficiencies. 13595 -- C. A. R. Hoare 13596% 13597There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the 13598other is to read Pope. 13599 -- Oscar Wilde 13600% 13601There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one 13602works. 13603% 13604There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a 13605suitable application of high explosives. 13606% 13607There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule. 13608 -- R. W. Gerard 13609% 13610There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. 13611 -- Henry Kissinger 13612% 13613There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than 10 men or fewer 13614than 100. 13615 -- Steele's Law 13616% 13617There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know 13618nothing about. 13619% 13620There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an 13621opinion. 13622 -- Anatole France 13623% 13624There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of 13625paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write. 13626% 13627There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder. 13628% 13629There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs 13630tied during the month of April. 13631% 13632There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish. 13633 -- Walt Disney 13634% 13635There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, 13636Honesty, Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and 13637love of the Fatherland. 13638 -- Adolf Hitler 13639% 13640There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly 13641what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly 13642disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and 13643inexplicable. 13644 13645There is another theory which states that this has already happened. 13646 13647 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 13648% 13649There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum. 13650 -- Arthur C. Clarke 13651% 13652There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. 13653 -- Mark Twain 13654% 13655There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the 13656tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not 13657abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and 13658war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, 13659of course. 13660 -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed. 13661% 13662There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home. 13663 -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, World Future Society 13664 Convention, 1977 13665% 13666There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it. 13667 -- G. B. Shaw 13668% 13669There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes. 13670% 13671There is no such thing as fortune. Try again. 13672% 13673There is no time like the pleasant. 13674% 13675There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be 13676doing. 13677% 13678There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY. 13679There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS I'm very probably wrong. 13680% 13681"There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," 13682said a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. "And yet just 13683a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with an unanswerable 13684question," said Nasrudin. "I could have answered it if I had been 13685there." "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in 13686the middle of the night?'" 13687% 13688There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the 13689ocean level wouldn't cure. 13690 -- Ross MacDonald 13691% 13692There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and 13693that is not being talked about. 13694 -- Oscar Wilde 13695% 13696There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale 13697returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. 13698 -- Mark Twain 13699% 13700There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it. 13701 -- C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia 13702% 13703There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were 13704left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley. 13705Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they 13706started debating who should be allowed to stay. 13707 13708The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all 13709over the world, the President explained that if he died then America 13710would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley 13711said, "Look! We're not solving anything like this! The only fair 13712thing to do is to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 13713votes. 13714% 13715There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: 13716both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to 13717talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him 13718during the trial. 13719 -- David Letterman 13720% 13721There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of 13722the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double- 13723digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 137248-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the 13725transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity 13726stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative 13727feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching 13728systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the 13729first electrical digital computer, and the first communications 13730satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the 13731telephone business? 13732% 13733There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not 13734a fence. 13735% 13736There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. 13737% 13738There's little in taking or giving, 13739 There's little in water or wine: 13740This living, this living, this living, 13741 Was never a project of mine. 13742Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is 13743 The gain of the one at the top, 13744For art is a form of catharsis, 13745 And love is a permanent flop, 13746And work is the province of cattle, 13747 And rest's for a clam in a shell, 13748So I'm thinking of throwing the battle -- 13749 Would you kindly direct me to hell? 13750 -- Dorothy Parker 13751% 13752There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our 13753whole lives, win, lose, or draw. 13754 -- Walt Kelly 13755% 13756There's no future in time travel. 13757% 13758There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. 13759 -- Dr. Who 13760% 13761There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get 13762any worse. 13763% 13764There's no room in the drug world for amateurs. 13765% 13766There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government 13767working for you. 13768 -- Will Rodgers 13769% 13770There's nothing in the middle of the road but a yellow stripe and 13771dead armadillos. 13772 -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner 13773% 13774There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them 13775won't aggravate. 13776% 13777There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn 13778what it is I'll get married again. 13779 -- Clint Eastwood 13780% 13781There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is 13782becoming an endangered synthetic. 13783 -- Lily Tomlin 13784% 13785"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!" 13786"These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!" 13787"These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP 13788out of MEGATON MAN!" 13789% 13790These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they 13791used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink. 13792% 13793They also surf who only stand on waves. 13794% 13795They make a desert and call it peace. 13796 -- Tacitus (55?-120?) 13797% 13798They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners 13799always spell better than they pronounce. 13800 -- Mark Twain 13801% 13802They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary 13803safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. 13804 -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759 13805% 13806They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them! 13807% 13808They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results 13809 About a month before. Their hair began to curl 13810The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it 13811 But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL. 13812 13813He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this 13814 To pass where they had failed For it must ever be 13815And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest 13816 The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me. 13817 13818My notion was to start again 13819 Ignoring all they'd done 13820We quickly turned it into code 13821 To see if it would run. 13822% 13823They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid! 13824% 13825They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult to like. 13826 -- Avon 13827% 13828Things are more like they used to be than they are now. 13829% 13830Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face. 13831% 13832Think big. Pollute the Mississippi. 13833% 13834Think honk if you're a telepath. 13835% 13836Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.! 13837% 13838Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer 13839crashes. 13840% 13841Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click". 13842% 13843"Thirty days hath Septober, 13844April, June, and no wonder. 13845all the rest have peanut butter 13846except my father who wears red suspenders." 13847% 13848This Fortue Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14 13849% 13850This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need, 13851please use the program "________randchar". This program generates random 13852characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with 13853something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be 13854more profound than THIS program has ever been. 13855% 13856This fortune intentionally not included. 13857% 13858This fortune is false. 13859% 13860This fortune is inoperative. Please try another. 13861% 13862This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, 13863regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys... 13864% 13865This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT DOG. 13866 -- Bob Violence 13867% 13868This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an 13869actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you? 13870% 13871This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, 13872because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under 13873which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has 13874"deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the 13875consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any 13876rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for 13877oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill 13878Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers 13879over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These 13880innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been 13881passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with 13882amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do 13883apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark, 13884and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out. 13885 -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations" 13886% 13887This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement. 13888% 13889This is for all ill-treated fellows 13890 Unborn and unbegot, 13891For them to read when they're in trouble 13892 And I am not. 13893 -- A. E. Housman 13894% 13895This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back 13896to one. 13897 -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351 13898% 13899This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week. 13900% 13901THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM 13902 13903If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your 13904contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue 13905without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are 13906contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We 13907can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money 13908for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the 13909difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight 13910and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to 13911"fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before 13912you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. 13913Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute 1391430 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The 13915Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or 13916more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug .... 13917% 13918This is the ____LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury! 13919% 13920This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the 13921power of computers: 13922 13923Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct 13924the thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a 13925minimum level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The 13926results are that one should eat each day: 13927 13928 1/2 chicken 13929 1 egg 13930 1 glass of skim milk 13931 27 heads of lettuce. 13932 -- Rev. Adrian Melott 13933% 13934This is the story of the bee 13935Whose sex is very hard to see 13936 13937You cannot tell the he from the she 13938But she can tell, and so can he 13939 13940The little bee is never still 13941She has no time to take the pill 13942 13943And that is why, in times like these 13944There are so many sons of bees. 13945% 13946This is your fortune. 13947% 13948This land is full of trousers! 13949this land is full of mausers! 13950 And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down! 13951 -- The Firesign Theatre 13952% 13953This land is made of mountains, 13954This land is made of mud, 13955This land has lots of everything, 13956For me and Elmer Fudd. 13957 13958This land has lots of trousers, 13959This land has lots of mousers, 13960And pussycats to eat them 13961When the sun goes down. 13962% 13963This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life, 13964you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where 13965to go. 13966% 13967This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88 13968% 13969This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with 13970great force. 13971 -- Dorothy Parker 13972% 13973This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of 13974the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many 13975solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were 13976largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, 13977which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of 13978paper that were unhappy. 13979 -- Douglas Adams 13980% 13981This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does 13982something child-like. 13983 -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454 13984% 13985This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland 13986student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87. 13987 13988 One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use 13989 Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one 13990 computer language to another and has a built-in editing system 13991 which identifies errors in the original program. 13992% 13993This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't. 13994 -- Douglas Hofstadter 13995% 13996... This striving for excellence extends into people's personal lives 13997as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as 13998determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. Eighties people 13999buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking soda. If an '80s 14000couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three 14001weeks in advance, and they are informed that their table is available, 14002they stalk out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent 14003restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous crowd of 14004excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their beepers going 14005off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant wouldn't have 14006a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli. 14007 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 14008% 14009This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it. 14010% 14011 Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire 14012rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better 14013than he does. 14014 As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about 14015it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily 14016sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we 14017consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is 14018being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians. 14019 The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can 14020do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his 14021honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can 14022be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public 14023relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter 14024Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes. 14025This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease. 14026 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt 14027 from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear 14028 and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72" 14029% 14030Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those 14031of us who do. 14032% 14033Those who can't write, write manuals. 14034% 14035Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate. 14036% 14037Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics. 14038 -- French Proverb 14039% 14040Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. 14041 -- Henry Spencer 14042% 14043Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, 14044for these only gave life, those the art of living well. 14045 -- Aristotle 14046% 14047Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often 14048surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law. 14049 -- Mark B. Cohen 14050% 14051Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. 14052% 14053Those who make peaceful revolution impossible 14054will make violent revolution inevitable. 14055 -- John F. Kennedy 14056% 14057Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are 14058men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean 14059without the roar of its many waters. 14060 -- Frederick Douglass 14061% 14062Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are 14063the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with 14064Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether -- 14065whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A 14066fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any 14067more about the matter than the others. 14068 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 14069% 14070Time flies like an arrow 14071Fruit flies like a banana 14072% 14073Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana. 14074% 14075Time is an illusion; lunchtime, doubly so. 14076 -- Ford Prefect 14077% 14078Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at 14079once. 14080% 14081'Tis the dream of each programmer, 14082Before his life is done, 14083To write three lines of APL, 14084And make the damn things run. 14085% 14086 (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along") 14087Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug 14088Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug 14089And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. 14090Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all, 14091Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall 14092And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. 14093And we've also found Just flip one switch 14094When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch 14095You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble 14096 in a flash. 14097Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU 14098Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo," 14099And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash. 14100% 14101 To A Quick Young Fox: 14102Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp, 14103Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice? 14104Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp -- 14105Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice. 14106 -- Lazy Dog 14107% 14108To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. 14109% 14110To be is to do. 14111 -- I. Kant 14112To do is to be. 14113 -- A. Sartre 14114Yabba-Dabba-Doo! 14115 -- F. Flintstone 14116% 14117To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore 14118this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to 14119offer in response is based on information available to make no such 14120statement. 14121% 14122To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, 14123call it the target. 14124% 14125To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy. 14126% 14127To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System 14128% 14129To err is human, to moo bovine. 14130% 14131To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D. 14132 -- B. Duggan 14133% 14134To generalize is to be an idiot. 14135 -- William Blake 14136% 14137To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three 14138men, two of them absent. 14139% 14140To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. 14141 -- Thomas Edison 14142% 14143To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. 14144 -- Robert Heller 14145% 14146To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall. 14147% 14148To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide 14149a test load. 14150% 14151To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional 14152system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy, 14153inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence: 14154precision and flexibility may be just as dysfunctional in novel, 14155uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar, 14156well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures 14157of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very 14158secure ecological niche. 14159 -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers" 14160% 14161To understand this important story, you have to understand how the 14162telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local 14163computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is 14164in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the 14165lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan. 14166 14167Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it 14168suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the 14169computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the 14170one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe 14171break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid 14172incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse, 14173an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca 14174pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's 14175loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen 14176and drink gin and laugh themselves silly. 14177 -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own 14178 Phones?" 14179% 14180To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it? 14181% 14182To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. 14183 -- Woody Allen 14184% 14185Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official. 14186% 14187Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day. 14188% 14189Today is the first day of the rest of the mess. 14190% 14191Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage. 14192% 14193Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. 14194% 14195Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? 14196 14197And where does it go after it leaves the toaster? 14198 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 14199% 14200Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new 14201cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more 14202spectacular adventure starring ... Tippy, the Wonder Dog. 14203 -- Bob & Ray 14204% 14205Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word 14206except in major motion pictures. 14207 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 14208% 14209Toilet Toup'ee, n.: 14210 Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus 14211creating endless annoyance to male users. 14212 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 14213% 14214Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest. 14215% 14216Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree. 14217% 14218Too clever is dumb. 14219 -- Ogden Nash 14220% 14221Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. 14222 -- Mae West 14223% 14224Too much of everything is just enough. 14225 -- Bob Wier 14226% 14227Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available 14228briefcases. 14229 -- Governor Jerry Brown 14230% 14231Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer: 14232 10) Specifications are for the weak and timid! 14233 9) You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand! 14234 8) Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull! 14235 7) What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. 14236 Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality 14237 assurance people in its wake. 14238 6) Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' 14239 - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM. 14240 5) Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak. 14241 4) A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code! 14242 3) Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features 14243 are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand. 14244 2) You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the 14245 original Klingon. 14246 1) Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! 14247 Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are! 14248% 14249Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the 14250earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century. 14251As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help. 14252Please... 14253 14254 CONSERVE GRAVITY 14255 14256Follow these simple suggestions: 14257 14258(1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible. 14259(2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights. 14260(3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like 14261 curling. 14262(4) Avoid showers ... take baths instead. 14263(5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big 14264 pile. 14265(6) Stop flipping pancakes 14266% 14267Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow. 14268% 14269Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful, wealthy, and live 14270in eucalyptus trees. 14271% 14272Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence. 14273 -- Henrik Tikkanen 14274% 14275Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it. 14276 -- Mark Twain 14277% 14278Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) 14279% 14280Truthful, adj.: 14281 Dumb and illiterate. 14282 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 14283% 14284Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational. 14285 -- Charles Schulz 14286% 14287Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good. 14288% 14289Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, 14290is it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written 14291in four tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and 14292pretense. Watch for novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), 14293defined by the imperfect past, the insufficient present, and the 14294absolutely perfect future. 14295 -- Amrom Katz 14296% 14297Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. 14298% 14299Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only 14300specification is that it should run noiselessly. 14301% 14302Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth. 14303 -- Alan Watts 14304% 14305Trying to establish voice contact ... please ____yell into keyboard. 14306% 14307Turnaucka's Law: 14308 The attention span of a computer is only as long as its 14309electrical cord. 14310% 14311Tussman's Law: 14312 Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. 14313% 14314TV is chewing gum for the eyes. 14315 -- Frank Lloyd Wright 14316% 14317'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks 14318Did gyre and gimble in their cave 14319All mimsy was the CS-VAX 14320And Cory raths outgrabe. 14321 14322"Beware the software rot, my son! 14323The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash! 14324Beware the broken pipe, and shun 14325The frumious system crash!" 14326% 14327 'Twas the Night before Crisis 14328 14329'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house, 14330 Not a program was working not even a browse. 14331The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care, 14332 Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer. 14333The users were nestled all snug in their beds, 14334 While visions of inquiries danced in their heads. 14335When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter, 14336 I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter. 14337And what to my wondering eyes should appear, 14338 But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear. 14339More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, 14340 And he whistled and shouted and called them by name; 14341On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! 14342 On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete! 14343His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean, 14344 From Weekends and nights in front of a screen. 14345A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, 14346 Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread... 14347% 14348'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period 14349 preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And 14350 throughout our place of residence, 14351Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the 14352 possessors of this potential, including that 14353 species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. 14354Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward 14355 edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus, 14356Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an 14357 imminent visitation from an eccentric 14358 philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations 14359 is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ... 14360% 14361Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing. 14362 -- Walt Kelly 14363% 14364Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. 14365 -- Howard Kandel 14366% 14367Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man 14368said, "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The 14369second man said, "He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his 14370chambers, and spent an hour trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded 14371only in falling over and bruising his forehead. Returning to the 14372courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine the man whose ear was bitten. 14373If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself and the case is 14374dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man did it and 14375must pay three silver pieces." 14376% 14377Two percent of zero is almost nothing. 14378% 14379Two sure ways to tell a sexy male; the first is, he has a bad memory. 14380I forget the second. 14381% 14382Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do. 14383% 14384U: There's a U -- a Unicorn! 14385 Run right up and rub its horn. 14386 Look at all those points you're losing! 14387 UMBER HULKS are so confusing. 14388 -- The Roguelet's ABC 14389% 14390"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex." 14391 14392(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.) 14393 -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971) 14394% 14395UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist. 14396% 14397"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?" 14398 14399"It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food, 14400right?" 14401 -- MacNelley, "Shoe" 14402% 14403Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: 14404 Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a 14405hammer or get a splinter in it. 14406% 14407Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a 14408just man is also a prison. 14409% 14410Under deadline pressure for the next week. If you want something, it 14411can wait. Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ... 14412% 14413Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: 14414 Superiority is recessive. 14415% 14416Unfair animal names: 14417 14418-- tsetse fly -- bullhead 14419-- booby -- duck-billed platypus 14420-- sapsucker -- Clarence 14421 -- Gary Larson 14422% 14423United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the 14424Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of 14425all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of 14426all the patriots of every persuasion. 14427 14428Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the 14429world. 14430 -- Isaac Asimov 14431% 14432Universe, n.: 14433 The problem. 14434% 14435University, n.: 14436 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's 14437usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to 14438fix it, and ... 14439% 14440unix soit qui mal y pense 14441% 14442UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on 14443Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch). 14444 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum 14445% 14446Unnamed Law: 14447 If it happens, it must be possible. 14448% 14449Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out 14450twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. 14451 -- H. L. Mencken 14452% 14453Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir 14454% 14455User n.: 14456 A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. 14457% 14458USER, n.: 14459 The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." 14460 -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top" 14461% 14462Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach. 14463 -- S. C. Johnson 14464% 14465Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, 14466opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none. 14467 -- Doug Larson 14468% 14469Vail's Second Axiom: 14470 The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the 14471amount of work already completed. 14472% 14473Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ... 14474Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ... 14475 -- Tom Chapin 14476% 14477Van Roy's Law: 14478 An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 14479% 14480Vanilla, adj.: 14481 Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food, 14482very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla 14483extract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply 14484"vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot 14485and sour won ton soup. 14486% 14487Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: 14488 (1) If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only 14489 once. 14490 (2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data 14491 points. 14492% 14493Veni, Vidi, Visa. 14494% 14495 "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past 14496year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley 14497reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their 14498artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue 14499moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon 14500Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the 14501entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the 14502sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips." 14503 14504 "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. 14505 14506 "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made 14507good copy." 14508 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 14509% 14510Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters. 14511% 14512Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life." 14513Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes 14514 waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it." 14515% 14516Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. 14517 -- Salvor Hardin 14518% 14519Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the 14520yard. 14521% 14522VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) 14523 Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to 14524 ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this 14525 morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you 14526 wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of 14527 that old underwear you own. 14528% 14529VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) 14530 You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is 14531 sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and 14532 sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus 14533 drivers. 14534% 14535"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from. 14536% 14537Virtue is its own punishment. 14538% 14539Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving 14540from where you left them to where you can't find them. 14541% 14542Vitamin C deficiency is apauling. 14543% 14544VMS is like a nightmare about RSX-11M. 14545% 14546Vote anarchist. 14547% 14548Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and 14549TAX-DEFERRED! 14550% 14551VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES? 14552% 14553 14554 *** System shutdown message from root *** 14555 14556System going down in 60 seconds 14557 14558 14559% 14560Wagner's music is better than it sounds. 14561 -- Mark Twain 14562% 14563Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" 145641st customer: "I'll have tea." 145652nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!" 14566 (Waiter exits, returns) 14567Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?" 14568% 14569Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser. 14570% 14571War hath no fury like a non-combatant. 14572 -- Charles Edward Montague 14573% 14574War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable. 14575% 14576 WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: 14577 14578Firings will continue until morale improves. 14579% 14580WARNING: 14581 Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your 14582mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on 14583your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war. 14584% 14585Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for 14586those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking 14587up. 14588 -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83 14589% 14590Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with. 14591% 14592Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. 14593 -- John F. Kennedy 14594% 14595Waste not, get your budget cut next year. 14596% 14597Wasting time is an important part of living. 14598% 14599Watson's Law: 14600 The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the 14601number and significance of any persons watching it. 14602% 14603We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which 14604divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being 14605correct. My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough. 14606 -- Niels Bohr 14607% 14608We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. 14609 -- Oscar Wilde 14610% 14611We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm. 14612 -- Winston Churchill 14613% 14614We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. 14615 -- Whole Earth Catalog 14616% 14617We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. 14618 -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo" 14619% 14620We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to 14621socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The 14622bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say 14623socialism? 14624 -- Fidel Castro 14625% 14626We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last theorem. 14627 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 14628% 14629We are upping our standards ... so up yours. 14630 -- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988 14631% 14632We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved. 14633% 14634We can predict everything, except the future. 14635% 14636We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is 14637deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead. 14638 -- James E. Day, Postmaster General 14639% 14640We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty! 14641 -- Vroomfondel 14642% 14643We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company. 14644% 14645We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a 14646fish. 14647% 14648We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the 14649hardware, but we can *___see* the blinking lights! 14650% 14651We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids? 14652 -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission 14653% 14654We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an 14655hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down 14656mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on 14657our grave singing Haleleuia ... 14658 -- Monty Python 14659% 14660We have met the enemy, and he is us. 14661 -- Walt Kelly 14662% 14663We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get 14664back to normal, and that they already have. 14665% 14666We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his 14667hands for masturbation. 14668 -- Lily Tomlin 14669% 14670We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an 14671official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death 14672Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish 14673you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that 14674said "ELECTROCUTION". 14675 14676Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your 14677teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing 14678process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a 14679couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways 14680out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste 14681stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom 14682floor, which is how the police would find you. 14683 14684You know the kind of flu I'm talking about. 14685 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" 14686% 14687We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all 14688purely intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start 14689with? Many people think that a very abstract activity, like the 14690playing of chess, would be best. It can also be maintained that it is 14691best to provide the machine with the best sense organs that money can 14692buy, and then teach it to understand and speak English. 14693 -- Alan M. Turing 14694% 14695We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always 14696respect their good judgement. 14697% 14698We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass 14699no matter how self-seeking. 14700 -- F. G. Withington 14701% 14702We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago 14703people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult. 14704For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had 14705to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare 14706fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with 14707primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how 14708ugly paneling is to begin with. 14709 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 14710% 14711We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best 14712friends are trying to kill us. 14713% 14714 We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. 14715But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle 14716Haggard song at a French restaurant. ... 14717 I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of 14718her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I 14719had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone 14720told him, "You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was 14721lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he 14722fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing 14723what men must do. ... 14724 "Stop the car," the girl said. There was a look of terrible 14725sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew 14726not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a 14727quiet and peace I will never forget. 14728 "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the 14729tollway belle's for thee." 14730 The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was 14731a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I 14732poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day. 14733 -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway 14734 Competition 14735% 14736We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one 14737technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter. 14738% 14739We will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love, 14740we will cry over things we used to laugh & 14741our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile 14742creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then & 14743in the end a summer with wild winds & 14744new friends will be. 14745% 14746We wish you a Hare Krishna 14747We wish you a Hare Krishna 14748We wish you a Hare Krishna 14749And a Sun Myung Moon! 14750 -- Maxwell Smart 14751% 14752We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later. 14753% 14754We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from 14755the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging 14756you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right 14757in his bowl full of jelly. 14758 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" 14759% 14760We're only in it for the volume. 14761 -- Black Sabbath 14762% 14763We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center 14764of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week, 14765but for some reason nobody's ever done it. 14766 -- Andy Rooney 14767% 14768Weiler's Law: 14769 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. 14770% 14771Weinberg's First Law: 14772 Progress is made on alternate Fridays. 14773% 14774Weinberg's Principle: 14775 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while 14776sweeping on to the grand fallacy. 14777% 14778Weinberg's Second Law: 14779 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, 14780then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. 14781% 14782Weiner's Law of Libraries: 14783 There are no answers, only cross references. 14784% 14785Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. He'll come in handy if 14786you run out of food. 14787 -- Dean McLaughlin 14788% 14789Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a 14790lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a 14791governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the 14792reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top 14793contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination. These men 14794will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the 14795most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and 14796appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday 14797morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit 14798interested in. It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a 14799guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through 14800the entire show without answering a single question ... 14801 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" 14802% 14803Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them 14804back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds, 14805or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they 14806they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off. 14807 -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile 14808% 14809Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can* 14810you believe?! 14811 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward] 14812% 14813Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail, 14814 And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail; 14815I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues, 14816 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 14817 14818If you think that it's nice that you get what you C, 14819 Then go : illogical statement with your whole family, 14820'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views. 14821 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 14822 14823On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze, 14824 But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze. 14825Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse, 14826 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 14827 -- Core Dumped Blues 14828% 14829"Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?" 14830 14831"Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ... 14832coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero." 14833 -- Dr. Who 14834% 14835"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is 14836no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five 14837hundred." 14838 -- The Mahabharata 14839% 14840Westheimer's Discovery: 14841 A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a 14842couple of hours in the library. 14843% 14844Wethern's Law: 14845 Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. 14846% 14847"What are we going to do?" 14848 14849"Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking for 14850something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a 14851short initiation period." 14852% 14853"What are you doing?" 14854 14855"Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something 14856that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short 14857initiation period." 14858% 14859What color is a chameleon on a mirror? 14860% 14861 "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty 14862teenager asked her mother. 14863 "Encouragement, dear," she replied. 14864% 14865What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"? 14866% 14867What does it mean if there is no fortune for you? 14868% 14869What garlic is to food, insanity is to art. 14870% 14871What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. 14872% 14873What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so 14874that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our 14875country. Nice try anyway, George. 14876 -- D. J. on KSFO/KYA 14877% 14878What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the 14879entrance? 14880% 14881What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow 14882in his footsteps? 14883% 14884What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower 14885stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed 14886barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character 14887from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of 14888while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our 14889dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up 14890powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the 14891bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any 14892one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact 14893lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where 14894you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah", 14895if you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with 14896that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it; 14897they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to 14898flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them. 14899 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" 14900% 14901What I tell you three times is true. 14902% 14903What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty- 14904sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up 14905with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always 14906came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at 14907parties. 14908 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 14909% 14910What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility. 14911% 14912What I've done, of course, is total garbage. 14913 -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a 14914% 14915What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I 14916definitely overpaid for my carpet. 14917 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 14918% 14919What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's 14920worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? 14921 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 14922% 14923What is a magician but a practicing theorist? 14924 -- Obi-Wan Kenobi 14925% 14926What is mind? No matter. 14927What is matter? Never mind. 14928 -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875 14929% 14930What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern 14931computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest 14932and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak. 14933% 14934"What is the Nature of God?" 14935 14936 CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!= 14937 1 QT. SOUR CREAM 14938 1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT 14939 1/2 CUT CHIVES. 14940 STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS. 14941 14942"I've just GOT to start labeling my software..." 14943 -- Bloom County 14944% 14945What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank? 14946 -- Bertolt Brecht 14947% 14948What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, 14949which is the exact opposite. 14950 -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928 14951% 14952What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do. 14953% 14954What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing 14955to compare it with. 14956% 14957What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism. 14958It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books 14959and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes 14960and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: "Yes, 14961women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate 14962mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige 14963and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort." 14964 -- Susan Gordon 14965% 14966What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? 14967 -- Ursula K. LeGuin 14968% 14969What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket. 14970% 14971What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away. 14972% 14973What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener. 14974% 14975What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. 14976% 14977What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING! 14978% 14979What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer. 14980% 14981What this country needs is a good five cent nickel. 14982% 14983What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon. 14984% 14985What this world needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon. 14986% 14987What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn? 14988 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" 14989% 14990What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which 14991nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday 14992Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space- 14993launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just 14994remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual 14995process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still 14996be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed. 14997 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 14998% 14999What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it. 15000% 15001What's another word for Thesaurus? 15002 -- Steven Wright 15003% 15004 "What's that thing?" 15005 "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in 15006computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what 15007it does. We call it a two-by-four." 15008 -- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe" 15009% 15010What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it? 15011 -- Dr. Who 15012% 15013Whatever became of eternal truth? 15014% 15015Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for 15016cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils 15017as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding 15018hundred dollar bills." 15019 -- Herb Caen 15020% 15021Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not 15022nailed down. 15023 -- Collis P. Huntingdon 15024% 15025Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not cockroaches! 15026 -- Mom 15027% 15028When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the 15029money is. 15030 -- Robespierre 15031% 15032When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the 15033thing," it's the money. 15034 -- Kim Hubbard 15035% 15036When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half 15037loop? 15038% 15039When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is 15040not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space 15041travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. 15042 -- Robert Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love" 15043% 15044When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the 15045sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain 15046relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. 15047 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 15048% 15049When all other means of communication fail, try words. 15050% 15051When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo 15052tactics *with* Gestapo tactics? 15053 -- Reuben Flagg 15054% 15055When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before 15056the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours." 15057 -- Vine Deloria, Jr. 15058% 15059When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, I 15060think it was a Tuesday. 15061% 15062When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to 15063guarantee them. 15064% 15065When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great 15066parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if 15067I'm leaving. 15068 -- Steven Wright 15069% 15070When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a 15071year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire 15072winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. 15073 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 15074% 15075When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young 15076ladies, and, of course, the goat. 15077% 15078When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now 15079I'm beginning to believe it. 15080 -- Clarence Darrow 15081% 15082When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you 15083take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come 15084and get you." 15085 -- Jerry Lewis 15086% 15087When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any 15088firearms with me. I said, `Well, what do you need?' 15089 -- Steven Wright 15090% 15091When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into 15092the soul of the boy sitting next to me. 15093 -- Woody Allen 15094% 15095When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an 15096act of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A 15097group of seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a 15098six-year-old. "It is always so," my mother said. "You do things 15099together which not one of you would think of doing alone." ... 15100Wherever one looks in the world of human organization, collective 15101responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards. The military 15102establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems to have 15103been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things 15104together which nobody in his right mind would do alone. 15105 -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope" 15106% 15107When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened 15108or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I 15109cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to 15110go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. 15111 -- Mark Twain 15112% 15113When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess. 15114% 15115When in doubt, tell the truth. 15116 -- Mark Twain 15117% 15118When in doubt, use brute force. 15119 -- Ken Thompson 15120% 15121When in panic, fear and doubt, 15122Drink in barrels, eat, and shout. 15123% 15124When love is gone, there's always justice. 15125And when justice is gone, there's always force. 15126And when force is gone, there's always Mom. 15127Hi, Mom! 15128 -- Laurie Anderson 15129% 15130When Marriage is Outlawed, 15131Only Outlaws will have Inlaws. 15132% 15133When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment 15134results. 15135 -- Calvin Coolidge 15136% 15137When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony 15138concerts, she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- 15139and I find I mind it less and less." 15140 -- Louise Andrews Kent 15141% 15142When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: 15143for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when 15144your boss is away and you get twice as much done. 15145 -- Daniel B. Luten 15146% 15147When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only 15148say what I wish done," give him a lollipop. 15149% 15150When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical. 15151 -- Jon Carroll 15152% 15153When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you 15154modify the problem, not the remedy. 15155% 15156When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, 15157the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a 15158nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____that. 15159 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 15160% 15161When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is 15162metaphysics. 15163 -- Voltaire 15164% 15165When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the 15166stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them 15167from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones 15168were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the 15169corners as bodies of a lower grade ... 15170 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 15171% 15172When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the 15173plane will fly. 15174 -- Donald Douglas 15175% 15176When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most 15177insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are 15178required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and 15179exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. 15180 -- George Bernard Shaw 15181% 15182When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is 15183not hereditary. 15184 -- Thomas Paine 15185% 15186When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before -- 15187except our fingertips will have been singed. 15188 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 15189% 15190When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of 15191investigation of a topic, it is well to have the answer firmly in hand, 15192so that you can proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or 15193swayed, directly to the goal. 15194 -- Amrom Katz 15195% 15196When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut. 15197% 15198When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly. 15199% 15200When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship. 15201 -- Harry S. Truman 15202% 15203 When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure 15204clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer 15205to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively. 15206 In a way, the next move is up to him. 15207 -- R. A. Lafferty 15208% 15209When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite. 15210 -- Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war 15211% 15212When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by 15213asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't 15214know the answer either. 15215 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 15216% 15217When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. 15218 -- The Wall Street Journal 15219% 15220When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the 15221impression you will make. 15222% 15223When you're away, I'm restless, lonely, 15224Wretched, bored, dejected; only 15225Here's the rub, my darling dear 15226I feel the same when you are near. 15227 -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away" 15228% 15229When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN. 15230% 15231Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really". 15232 -- Dave Parnas 15233% 15234Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to 15235see it tried on him personally. 15236 -- A. Lincoln 15237% 15238Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. 15239 -- Oscar Wilde 15240% 15241Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last 15242you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his 15243Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. 15244 -- Mark Twain 15245 "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court" 15246% 15247Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time 15248to reform. 15249 -- Mark Twain 15250% 15251WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE 15252 15253 Oh, dear, where can the matter be 15254 When it's converted to energy? 15255 There is a slight loss of parity. 15256 Johnny's so long at the fair. 15257% 15258Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what 15259is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. 15260 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 15261% 15262Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax. 15263% 15264Whether you can hear it or not 15265The Universe is laughing behind your back 15266 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 15267% 15268Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares? 15269% 15270While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is 15271admission to someone else. 15272% 15273While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, 15274The fate of empires and the fall of kings; 15275While quacks of State must each produce his plan, 15276And even children lisp the Rights of Man; 15277Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, 15278The Rights of Woman merit some attention. 15279 -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", 15280 November 26, 1792 15281% 15282While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several. 15283% 15284While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't 15285keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove. 15286 -- Edward Stevenson 15287% 15288While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own 15289form of misery. 15290% 15291While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position. 15292% 15293While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their 15294correctness never does. 15295% 15296While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very 15297reassuring to know that it's still there. 15298% 15299While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are 15300safe, for you can watch both of his. 15301 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15302% 15303Whistler's Law: 15304 You never know who is right, but you always know who is in 15305charge. 15306% 15307Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new 15308Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ... 15309% 15310Who made the world I cannot tell; 15311'Tis made, and here am I in hell. 15312My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, 15313I never soiled with such a deed. 15314 -- A. E. Housman 15315% 15316Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot? 15317% 15318Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink? 15319% 15320Who's on first? 15321% 15322"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school. 15323 -- George Ade 15324% 15325Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad. 15326% 15327Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising. 15328% 15329Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could 15330have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing. 15331 -- Ian Shoales 15332% 15333Why be a man when you can be a success? 15334 -- Bertolt Brecht 15335% 15336Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we 15337have? 15338% 15339Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else? 15340% 15341Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to 15342avoid responsibility with? 15343% 15344Why did the Roman Empire collapse? 15345What is the Latin for office automation? 15346% 15347Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with. 15348% 15349Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently 15350there must be a beverage. 15351 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 15352% 15353Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have 15354more lawyers? 15355 15356New Jersey had first choice. 15357% 15358Why don't elephants eat penguins ? 15359 15360Because they can't get the wrappers off ... 15361% 15362Why I Can't Go Out With You: 15363 15364I'd LOVE to, but ... 15365 -- I have to floss my cat. 15366 -- I've dedicated my life to linguini. 15367 -- I need to spend more time with my blender. 15368 -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. 15369 -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish. 15370 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves. 15371 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. 15372 -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise. 15373 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist. 15374 -- I have some really hard words to look up. 15375 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting. 15376 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps. 15377% 15378Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is 15379because we are not the person involved 15380 -- Mark Twain 15381% 15382Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 15383% 15384Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? 15385 -- Lily Tomlin 15386% 15387Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love 15388you knowing nothing? 15389 -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions 15390% 15391Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year? 15392Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your 15393children open their old-fashioned presents. 15394 15395Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?" 15396 15397You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it 15398 falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!" 15399 15400Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer 15401 with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory, 15402 and I get this cretin TOP?" 15403 15404Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this." 15405 15406You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!" 15407 15408Daughter: "It looks like goat barf." 15409 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" 15410% 15411Why was I born with such contemporaries? 15412 -- Oscar Wilde 15413% 15414Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office: 15415 No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee, 15416when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your 15417direction, and almost none will be returned to the source. 15418 -- John L. Shelton 15419% 15420Wiker's Law: 15421 Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. 15422% 15423 William Safire's Rules for Writers: 15424 15425Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never 15426be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to 15427agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words 15428out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal 15429of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must 15430not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a 15431conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a 15432sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as 15433close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more 15434words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles 15435must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a 15436linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing 15437metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should 15438be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their 15439writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows 15440the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek 15441viable alternatives. 15442% 15443Williams and Holland's Law: 15444 If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by 15445statistical methods. 15446% 15447Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as 15448it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. 15449% 15450Wit, n.: 15451 The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery 15452... by leaving it out. 15453 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15454% 15455With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I 15456try to be a fraud and a half. 15457 -- Otto von Bismarck 15458% 15459With a rubber duck, one's never alone. 15460 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 15461% 15462With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once 15463build a nuclear balm? 15464% 15465With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand 15466miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and 15467still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no 15468such thing as progress. 15469 -- Ransom K. Ferm 15470% 15471With trembling hands he unfurled the ancient cracked parchment, 15472this was the place, it had to be. Uncertainly he began to mumble the 15473chant "rdbms, sql, third normal formal form, java, table, scalable". 15474Something moved... From outside they heard a scream and a thud. 15475The sales department had awoken. 15476% 15477Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless. 15478% 15479Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection: 15480 (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it. 15481 (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete. 15482 (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2) 15483 (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a 15484 VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator. 15485 (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless. 15486 -- Rich Kulawiec 15487% 15488Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If 15489you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut 15490down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that 15491tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with 15492long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit 15493there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you 15494come back. 15495 15496Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, 15497when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. 15498Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the 15499cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood 15500heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately 15501beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made, 15502and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed, 15503although their insurance rates went way up. 15504 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 15505% 15506Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation): 15507 We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage 15508any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you 15509should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, 15510and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we 15511bargained for. 15512% 15513Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your chairs. 15514% 15515World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced 15516dress code! 15517% 15518Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: 15519 August. The lines are the shortest, though. 15520 -- Steve Rubenstein 15521% 15522Worst Month of the Year: 15523 February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if 15524you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't 15525get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible. 15526 -- Steve Rubenstein 15527% 15528Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985: 15529 From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved 15530in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs 15531damage my videotapes?" 15532% 15533Worst Vegetable of the Year: 15534 The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next 15535year. 15536 -- Steve Rubenstein 15537% 15538"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" 15539 15540"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. 15541 -- Lewis Carroll 15542% 15543Wouldn't the sentence 'I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish 15544and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign' have been clearer 15545if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and 15546and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and 15547and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips? 15548% 15549Write-Protect Tab, n.: 15550 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly 15551left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error 15552message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the 15553momentary inconvenience. 15554 -- Robb Russon 15555% 15556Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. 15557 -- Frank Zappa 15558% 15559"Wrong," said Renner. 15560 15561"The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with 15562the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'" 15563% 15564X-rated movies are all alike -- the only thing they leave to the 15565imagination is the plot. 15566% 15567Xerox does it again and again and again and ... 15568% 15569Xerox never comes up with anything original. 15570% 15571XIIdigitation, n.: 15572 The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made 15573by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits. 15574 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 15575% 15576"Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have 15577goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in 15578their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating 15579unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my 15580doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right. 15581 -- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements" 15582% 15583Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall 15584fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic 15585operators together. 15586 -- Steve Higgins 15587% 15588Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context. 15589% 15590Year, n.: 15591 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. 15592 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15593% 15594Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache. 15595% 15596Yes, but which self do you want to be? 15597% 15598Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. 15599Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. 15600Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. 15601 -- Snoopy 15602% 15603Yesterday upon the stair 15604I met a man who wasn't there. 15605He wasn't there again today -- 15606I think he's from the CIA. 15607% 15608Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again. 15609 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 15610% 15611Yinkel, n.: 15612 A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one 15613will notice. 15614 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 15615% 15616You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are. 15617% 15618You are here: 15619 *** 15620 *** 15621 ********* 15622 ******* 15623 ***** 15624 *** 15625 * 15626 15627 But you're not all there. 15628% 15629You are not illiterate. 15630 -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie 15631% 15632"You are old, Father William," the young man said, 15633 "All your papers these days look the same; 15634Those William's would be better unread -- 15635 Do these facts never fill you with shame?" 15636 15637"In my youth," Father William replied to his son, 15638 "I wrote wonderful papers galore; 15639But the great reputation I found that I'd won, 15640 Made it pointless to think any more." 15641% 15642"You are old, father William," the young man said, 15643 "And your hair has become very white; 15644And yet you incessantly stand on your head -- 15645 Do you think, at your age, it is right?" 15646 15647"In my youth," father William replied to his son, 15648 "I feared it might injure the brain; 15649But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, 15650 Why, I do it again and again." 15651 -- Lewis Carroll 15652% 15653"You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers 15654 That your lectures bore people to death. 15655Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year -- 15656 Don't you think that you should save your breath?" 15657 15658"I have answered three questions and that is enough," 15659 Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs! 15660Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? 15661 Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!" 15662% 15663"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak 15664 For anything tougher than suet; 15665Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak -- 15666 Pray, how did you manage to do it?" 15667 15668"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law, 15669 And argued each case with my wife; 15670And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw, 15671 Has lasted the rest of my life." 15672 -- Lewis Carroll 15673% 15674"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run, 15675 And there isn't one language you like; 15676Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none -- 15677 Have you thought about taking a hike?" 15678 15679"Since I never write programs," his father replied, 15680 "Every language looks equally bad; 15681Yet the people keep paying to read all my books 15682 And don't realize that they've been had." 15683% 15684"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, 15685 And have grown most uncommonly fat; 15686Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door -- 15687 Pray what is the reason of that?" 15688 15689"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks, 15690 "I kept all my limbs very supple 15691By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box -- 15692 Allow me to sell you a couple?" 15693 -- Lewis Carroll 15694% 15695"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, 15696 And make errors few people could bear; 15697You complain about everyone's English but yours -- 15698 Do you really think this is quite fair?" 15699 15700"I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared, 15701 "But my stature these days is so great 15702That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared, 15703 And to stop me it's now far too late." 15704% 15705"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose 15706 That your eye was as steady as ever; 15707Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose -- 15708 What made you so awfully clever?" 15709 15710"I have answered three questions, and that is enough," 15711 Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs! 15712Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? 15713 Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!" 15714 -- Lewis Carroll 15715% 15716You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. 15717% 15718You are the only person to ever get this message. 15719% 15720You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading 15721this sort of trash. 15722% 15723You buttered your bread, now lie in it! 15724% 15725You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting 15726incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail. 15727Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable 15728to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because 15729nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes 15730they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year; 15731some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years. 15732 15733The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then 15734pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear 15735safety glasses. 15736 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" 15737% 15738You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it 15739doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on. 15740 -- Hepler, Systems Design 182 15741% 15742You can create your own opportunities this week. 15743Blackmail a senior executive. 15744% 15745You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. 15746Why do you find that funny? 15747 -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350, University of Washington 15748% 15749You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you 15750can with just a kind word. 15751 -- Bumper Sticker 15752% 15753You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, 15754for instance. 15755 -- Franklin P. Jones 15756% 15757You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular. 15758% 15759You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on 15760the continuing viability of FORTRAN. 15761 -- Alan Perlis 15762% 15763You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. 15764% 15765You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding 15766decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left 15767over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart. 15768 -- F. Allen 15769% 15770You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of 15771supercomputers. 15772 -- Steven Feiner 15773% 15774You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. 15775% 15776You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename. 15777 -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454 15778% 15779You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks. 15780% 15781You can't have everything. Where would you put it? 15782 -- Steven Wright 15783% 15784You can't hold a man down without staying down with him. 15785 -- Booker T. Washington 15786% 15787You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair. 15788% 15789You can't make a program without broken egos. 15790% 15791You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spastic 15792enough worrying about what's happening now. 15793 -- Lauren Bacall 15794% 15795You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten. 15796 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and 15797 Over and Over" 15798% 15799You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't. 15800 -- Dagwood Bumstead 15801% 15802You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. 15803% 15804You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. 15805% 15806You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. 15807% 15808You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first 15809and last month in advance. 15810% 15811You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable 15812doubt. 15813 -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict 15814% 15815You do not have mail. 15816% 15817You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. 15818 -- J. D. Salinger 15819% 15820You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting 15821needles. 15822 -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food 15823% 15824You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. 15825The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified", 15826which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears 15827tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last 15828names. Here's the complete text: 15829 15830 "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT) 15831 "(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT) 15832 "(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to 15833 send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF 15834 THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME) 15835 household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way 15836 you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST 15837 NAME), that it pays to file the short form!" 15838 15839The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your 15840money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long 15841form. 15842 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 15843% 15844You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers. 15845% 15846You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More-- 15847 15848This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More-- 15849 15850You are permanently confused. 15851 -- Dave Decot 15852% 15853You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to 15854metal objects which are not fastened down. 15855% 15856You have junk mail. 15857% 15858You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets 15859wrinkled. 15860% 15861You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today. 15862% 15863You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes 15864you wore home from the party and there aren't any. 15865% 15866You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens 15867anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night, 15868you can always change the channel. 15869 -- Jim Ignatowski 15870% 15871You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo. 15872 -- S. Rickly Christian 15873% 15874You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car. 15875 -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82 15876% 15877You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your 15878friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it. 15879% 15880You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi. 15881% 15882 "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon 15883airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in 15884deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me 15885when I was young!" 15886 "Why, what did she tell you?" 15887 "I don't know, I didn't listen!" 15888 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 15889% 15890You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled. 15891% 15892You may be recognized soon. Hide. 15893% 15894You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he 15895is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing. 15896 -- Sydney Harris 15897% 15898You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with 15899him. 15900 -- Ed Howe 15901% 15902You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. 15903 -- Alfred Kahn 15904% 15905You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for 15906success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits 15907or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume 15908party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World. 15909 -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success" 15910% 15911You might have mail. 15912% 15913You might have had mail. 15914% 15915You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable 15916proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do. 15917% 15918You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll 15919be dead. 15920% 15921You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a 15922reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating 15923the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for 15924independence. 15925 -- Charles A. Beard 15926% 15927You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the 15928beach. 15929% 15930You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were 15931you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare 15932yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the 15933company. 15934 -- J. Wellington Wells 15935% 15936You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. 15937% 15938You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could 15939know how seldom they do. 15940 -- Olin Miller 15941% 15942You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially 15943if they are dead. 15944% 15945You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than 15946about 10^12 to 1. 15947 -- Ernest Rutherford 15948% 15949You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for 15950freedom and liberty. 15951 -- Henrik Ibsen 15952% 15953You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, 15954contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from 15955houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many 15956scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the 15957summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day, 15958you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist 15959sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily. 15960 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 15961% 15962You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name, 15963another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and 15964another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms 15965such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In 15966many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money. 15967If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you 15968should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate 15969for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it 15970because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially 15971chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit. 15972 15973In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his 15974hemorrhoids. 15975 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 15976% 15977You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a 15978plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture. 15979 -- Business Professor, University of Georgia 15980% 15981You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother. 15982% 15983 YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF 15984 PAPER SHUFFLING! 15985 15986Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be 15987a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel 15988really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best." 15989 15990Mr. MARC had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward 15991to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and 15992make really big Zorkmids." 15993 15994MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when 15995you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter. 15996 15997 SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY! 15998% 15999You too can wear a nose mitten. 16000% 16001You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. 16002% 16003You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of 16004a lion, and the face of Donald Duck. 16005% 16006You will be surprised by a loud noise. 16007% 16008You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself. 16009% 16010You will feel hungry again in another hour. 16011% 16012You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door 16013mayonnaise salesman. 16014% 16015 You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the 16016Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the 16017parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day. 16018 -- Sherlock Holmes 16019% 16020You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes. 16021% 16022You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You're not paid enough to 16023worry. 16024% 16025You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a 16026taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a 16027minute and a huff. 16028 -- Groucho Marx 16029% 16030You'll never be the man your mother was! 16031% 16032You're at the end of the road again. 16033% 16034You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. 16035% 16036You're never too old to become younger. 16037 -- Mae West 16038% 16039You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. 16040 -- Dean Martin 16041% 16042You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!! 16043% 16044You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. 16045% 16046You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks. 16047 -- Gary Giddens 16048% 16049"You've got to think about tomorrow!" 16050 16051"TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_________yesterday* yet!" 16052% 16053Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a 16054thing he tells you. 16055% 16056Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you 16057from enjoying it. 16058% 16059Your fault: core dumped 16060% 16061 Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that 16062bring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a 16063chance to kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home 16064electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit 16065breaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires 16066until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can 16067damage your carpet. The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change 16068your fuses regularly. 16069 Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This 16070sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more 16071often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case 16072you'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not 16073sure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a 16074fine documentary film based on an actual book. Or call in a licensed 16075electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession, 16076such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette 16077table, etc. 16078 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 16079% 16080Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret. 16081% 16082Your lucky color has faded. 16083% 16084Your lucky number has been disconnected. 16085% 16086Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere. 16087% 16088Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. 16089% 16090Yow! Am I having fun yet? 16091 -- Zippy the Pinhead 16092% 16093YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL! 16094% 16095Zero Defects, n.: 16096 The result of shutting down a production line. 16097% 16098Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words 16099since I first called my brother's father dad. 16100 -- William Shakespeare, "King John" 16101% 16102Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: 16103 People are always available for work in the past tense. 16104% 16105 THE LAST BUG 16106 16107"But you're out of your mind," It still wasn't perfect, 16108They said with a shrug. As year followed year, 16109"The customer's happy; And strangers would comment, 16110What's one little bug?" "Is that guy still here?" 16111 16112But he was determined. He died at the console, 16113The others went home. Of hunger and thirst. 16114He spread out the program, Next day he was buried, 16115Deserted, alone. Face down, nine-edge first. 16116 16117The cleaning men came, And the last bug in sight, 16118The whole room was cluttered An ant passing by, 16119With memory-dumps, punch cards. Saluted his tombstone, 16120"I'm close," he muttered. And whispered, "Nice try." 16121 16122The mumbling got louder, 16123Simple deduction, 16124"I've got it, it's right, 16125Just change one instruction." 16126% 16127Speaking of the philosophy involved in moving humanity into space: 16128 16129Furniture will be a largely obsolete concept. Take for example the dresser my 16130mom bought for me when I was a kid. I still have it, and by the standards of 16131its era, it's an admirable household fixture. It is a massive construction of 16132maple wood, expertly joined with cunningly fit pieces, fitted and glued with 16133the strength of iron. It is set with massive brass fixtures, and looks today 16134-- discounting the dust -- as new as the day it was purchased, a quarter 16135century ago. So far, so good; a fine piece of furniture, you might say. But 16136let's look at it objectively, as a machine, as an object with a purpose. Here 16137sit a hundred pounds of hardwood with a compressive strength of 1500 psi, 16138jointed by an expert craftsman into a rigid box that would easily support a 16139bull elephant. And what is the sole purpose of this massive crate, this 16140monument to a dead tree? -- it holds my socks. 16141 16142Not only is it blind engineering overkill of epic proportions, it is also an 16143environmental disaster. The home to generations of squirrels, a sentinel post 16144for falcons, an autumnal banner of golden glory, a living creature, was chopped 16145down to enshrine some underwear. This, my friends, is no way to run a planet. 16146 -- Marshall T. Savage, from The Millennial Project: 16147 Colonizing the Galaxy -- In Eight Easy Steps 16148% 16149Nearly every software professional has heard the term spaghetti code as a 16150pejorative description for complicated, difficult to understand, and impossible 16151to maintain, software. However, many people may not know the other two 16152elements of the complete Pasta Theory of Software. 16153 16154Lasagna code is used to describe software that has a simple, understandable, 16155and layered structure. Lasagna code, although structured, is unfortunately 16156monolithic and not easy to modify. An attempt to change one layer conceptually 16157simple, is often very difficult in actual practice. 16158 16159The ideal software structure is one having components that are small and 16160loosely coupled; this ideal structure is called ravioli code. In ravioli 16161code, each of the components, or objects, is a package containing some meat 16162or other nourishment for the system; any component can be modified or replaced 16163without significantly affecting other components. 16164 16165We need to go beyond the condemnation of spaghetti code to the active 16166encouragement of ravioli code. 16167 -- Raymond J. Rubey, in a letter to the editor of Crosstalk 16168 magazine 16169% 1617063,000 bugs in the code, 63,000 bugs, 16171ya get 1 whacked with a service pack, 16172now there's 63,005 bugs in the code!! 16173% 16174"It's not very common in Crowthorne" 16175% 16176 1) Don't expect fairings. 16177 2) If confused read #1. 16178