1"For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe, 2"You have told me my bosom is snowy; 3 You have made much fine verse on 4 Each part of my person, 5Now do something -- there's a good boy!" 6% 7"Fucked by the finger of Fate!" 8Bewailed a young fellow named Tate. 9 "Since dating Miss Baugh, 10 My whole tongue has been raw-- 11It must have been something I ate." 12% 13"I do love a lay every day, 14So whenever you're coming this way 15 Just phone in advance 16 And I'll jerk off my pants, 17And we're set for a sexy soiree!" 18% 19"Snyder's got a stiff ticket," said Kay, 20"Come on, take it out, and let's play." 21 He pulled it on out, 22 But she started to pout, 23His ticket was only a quarter-inch stout. 24% 25"The testes are cooler outside," 26Said the doc to the curious bride, 27 "For the semen must no 28 Get too fucking hot, 29And the bag fans your bum on the ride." 30% 31"Well, I took your advice, Doc", said Knopp, 32"And told my wife to try it on top. 33 She bounced for an hour, 34 Till she ran out of power, 35And the kids, who'd grown bored, made us stop." 36% 37'Tis a custom in Castellamare 38To fuck in the back of a lorry. 39 The chassis and springs 40 Are like woodwinds and strings 41In the midst of a musical soiree. 42% 43A CS student named Lin 44Had a prick the size of a pin 45 It was no good for girls 46 But just great for squirrels 47Who squealed with delight with it in. 48% 49A Frenchman who lived in Alsace 50Had sex with a virgin named Grace. 51 When he popped her cherry, 52 She made things hairy 53By bleeding all over his face. 54% 55A bad little girl in Madrid, 56A most reprehensible kid, 57 Told her Tante Louise 58 That her cunt smelled like cheese, 59And the worst of it was that it did! 60% 61A bather whose clothing was strewed 62By breezes that left her quite nude, 63 Saw a man come along 64 And, unless I am wrong, 65You expected this line to be lewd. 66% 67A bather whose clothing was strewed 68By breezes that left her quite nude, 69 Saw a man come along 70 And, unless I'm quite wrong, 71You expected this line to be lewd. 72% 73A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? 74I am not I, I'm a tree." 75 But another, more sane, 76 Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" 77And covered his pants leg with pee. 78% 79A beautiful belle of Del Norte 80Is reckoned disdainful and haughty 81 Because during the day 82 She says: "Boys, keep away!" 83But she fucks in the gloaming like forty. 84% 85A beautiful lady named Psyche 86Is loved by a fellow named Ikey. 87 One thing about Ike 88 The lady can't like 89Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey. 90% 91A beetling young woman named Pridgets 92Had a violent abhorrence of midgets; 93 Off the end of a wharf 94 She once pushed a dwarf 95Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets. 96 -- Edward Gorey 97% 98A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression 99Sold cigars at a key-club concession. 100 When she swiveled about 101 Even strong men cried out, 102For her costume did not keep her flesh in. 103% 104A bobby of Nottingham Junction 105Whose organ had long ceased to function 106 Deceived his good wife 107 For the rest of her life 108With the aid of his constable's truncheon. 109% 110A broken-down harlot named Tupps 111Was heard to confess in her cups: 112 "The height of my folly 113 Was diddling a collie- 114But I got a nice price for the pups." 115% 116A burlesque dancer, a pip 117Named Virginia, could peel in a zip; 118 But she read science fiction 119 And died of constriction 120Attempting a Moebius strip. 121 -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology" 122% 123A busy young lady named Gloria 124Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier 125 And then by six men, 126 Sir Gerald again, 127And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. 128% 129A cabin boy on an old clipper 130Grew steadily flipper and flipper. 131 He plugged up his ass 132 With fragments of glass 133And thus circumcised his old skipper. 134% 135A cautious young fellow named Lodge 136Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. 137 When his date was strapped in, 138 He committed a sin, 139Without even leaving his grodge. 140% 141A cautious young fellow named Lodge, 142Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. 143 With his date all strapped in 144 He committed a sin 145Without even leaving the garage. 146 -- "A Boy and His Dog" 147% 148A cautious young fellow named Tunney 149Had a whang that was worth any money. 150 When eased in half-way, 151 The girl's sigh made him say, 152"Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey." 153% 154A certain young man, it was noted, 155Went about in the heat thickly-coated; 156 He said, "You may scoff, 157 But I shan't take it off; 158Underneath I am horribly bloated." 159 -- Edward Gorey 160% 161A certain young person of Ghent, 162Uncertain if lady or gent, 163 Shows his organs at large 164 For a small handling charge 165To assist him in paying the rent. 166% 167A certain young sheik of Algiers 168Said to his harem, "My dears, 169 Though you may think it odd of me, 170 I'm tired of just sodomy 171Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!) 172% 173A chap down in Oklahoma 174Had a cock that could sing La Paloma, 175 But the sweetness of pitch 176 Couldn't put off the hitch 177Of impotence, size and aroma. 178% 179A charmer from old Amarillo, 180Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow, 181 Decided one day 182 That to keep men away 183She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo. 184% 185A chippy who worked in Black Bluff 186Had a pussy as large as a muff. 187 It had room for both hands 188 And some intimate glands, 189And was soft as a little duck's fluff. 190% 191A clergical student named Simms 192Hums liturgical tunes while he rims: 193 A nice piece of ass 194 Gets the B-Minor Mass ... 195All the others get Anglican hymns. 196% 197A clerical student named Pryne 198Through pain sought to reach the divine: 199 He wore a hair shirt, 200 Quite often ate dirt, 201And bathed every Friday in brine. 202 -- Edward Gorey 203% 204A clever young man named Eugene 205Invented a jack-off machine. 206 On the twenty-third stroke 207 The fuckin' thing broke 208And beat both his balls to a cream. 209% 210A cocksucking steno named Beeman 211Remarked as she swallowed my semen : 212 "On my minuscule salary 213 I must watch every calorie, 214So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!" 215% 216A contortionist hailing from Lynch 217Used to rent out his tool by the inch. 218 A foot cost a quid -- 219 He could and he did 220Stretch it to three in a pinch. 221% 222A corpulent maiden named Kroll 223Had a notion exceedingly droll: 224 At a masquerade ball, 225 Dressed in nothing at all, 226She backed in as a Parker House roll. 227% 228A couple was fishing near Clombe 229When the maid began looking quite glum, 230 And said, "Bother the fish! 231 I'd rather coish!" 232Which they did -- which was why they had come. 233% 234A cowhand way out in Seattle 235Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle. 236 He said, "No, I can't fuck 237 A lamb or a duck, 238But golly! it just fits the cattle." 239% 240A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison 241And had an affair with a Saracen. 242 She was not oversexed, 243 Or jealous or vexed, 244She just wanted to make a comparison. 245% 246A cute little twerp from Samoa 247Had a cock of one inch and no moa. 248 It was good for keyholes 249 And debutantes' peeholes 250But not worth a damn on a whoa. 251% 252A daredevil skater named Lowe, 253Leaps barrels arranged in the snow, 254 But is proudest of doing, 255 Some incredible screwing, 256Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row! 257% 258A deep-throated virgin named Netty 259Was sucking a cock on the jetty. 260 She said, "It tastes nice, 261 Much better than rice, 262Though not quite as good as spaghetti." 263% 264A delighted, incredulous bride 265Remarked to her groom at her side : 266 "I never could quite 267 Believe till tonight 268Our anatomies would coincide." 269% 270A dentist, young doctor Malone, 271Got a charming girl patient alone, 272 And, in his depravity, 273 Filled the wrong cavity. 274God, how his practice has grown. 275% 276A despairing old landlord named Fyfe, 277With a frigid and quarrelsome wife, 278 Let his third-story front, 279 To a willing young cunt, 280Who supplied him a new lease on life! 281% 282A desperate spinster from Clare 283Once knelt in the moonlight all bare, 284 And prayed to her God 285 For a romp on the sod-- 286'Twas a passerby answered her prayer. 287% 288A distinguished professor from Swarthmore 289Got along with a sexy young sophomore. 290 As quick as a glance 291 He stripped off his pants, 292But he found that the sophomore'd got off more. 293% 294A do-it-yourselfer named Alice, 295Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. 296 She blew her vagina 297 To South Carolina, 298And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas. 299 300A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill, 301Used two dynamite sticks for a dil. 302 They found her vagina, 303 In South Carolina, 304And part of her ass in Brazil. 305% 306A doctoral student from Buckingham 307Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. 308 But a dropout from paree 309 Taught him Gamahuchee 310So he added a footnote on sucking 'em. 311% 312A dolly in Dallas named Alice, 313Whose overworked sex is all callous, 314 Wore the foreskin away 315 On uncircumcised Ray, 316Through exuberance, tightness, and malice. 317% 318A dulcet-voiced callgirl named Shedd, 319Who's cultured, well-spoken, well-bred, 320 Had achieved some reknown 321 For her tone going down-- 322There's a nice civil tongue in her head. 323% 324A fair-haired young damsel named Grace 325Thought it very, very foolish to place 326 Her hand on your cock 327 When it turned hard as rock, 328For fear it would explode in your face. 329% 330A farmer I know named O'Doole 331Had a long and incredible tool. 332 He can use it to plow, 333 Or to diddle a cow, 334Or just as a cue-stick at pool. 335% 336A fellatrix's healthful condition 337Proved the value of spunk as nutrition. 338 Her remarkable diet 339 (I suggest that you try it) 340Was only her clients' emission. 341% 342A fellow whose surname was Hunt 343Trained his cock to perform a slick stunt: 344 This versatile spout 345 Could be turned inside out, 346Like a glove, and be used as a cunt. 347% 348A fisherman off of Cape Cod 349Said, "I'll bugger that tuna, by God!" 350 But the high-minded fish 351 Resented his wish, 352And nimbly swam off with his rod. 353% 354A foolish geologist from Kissen 355Just didn't know what he was missin', 356 By studying rock 357 And neglecting his cock, 358And using it merely for pissin'. 359% 360A frustrated lady named Alice 361Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. 362 They found her vagina 363 In North Carolina 364And bits of her tits were in Dallas. 365% 366A gay young prince from Morocco 367Made love in a manner rococco. 368 He painted his penis 369 To resemble a venus 370And flavored his semen with cocoa. 371% 372A geneticist living in Delft 373Scientifically played with himself, 374 And when he was done 375 He labled it: son, 376And filed him away on a shelf. 377% 378A gentleman, otherwise meek, 379Detested with passion the leek; 380 When offered one out 381 He dealt such a clout 382To the maid, she was down for a week. 383 -- Edward Gorey 384% 385A german composer named Bruckner 386Remarked to a lady while fuckener : 387 "Less lento, my dear, 388 With your cute little rear; 389I like a hot presto when muckener!" 390% 391A gift was delivered to Laura 392From a cousin who lived in Gomorrah; 393 Wrapped in tissue and crepe, 394 It was peeled, like a grape, 395And emitted a pale, greenish aura. 396 -- Edward Gorey 397% 398A gifted young fellow from Sparta 399Was widely renowned as a farta'. 400 He could fart anything 401 From "Of Thee I Sing," 402To Beethoven's "Moonlight Sonata." 403% 404A girl camper once had an affair 405With a fellow all covered with hair. 406 When she gave him his hat 407 She realized that 408She'd been had by Smokey the Bear. 409% 410A girl of the Enterprise crew 411Refused every offer to screw. 412 But a Vulcan named Spock 413 Crawled under her smock, 414And now she is eating for two. 415% 416A girl of uncertain nativity 417Had an ass of extreme sensitivity 418 While she sat on the lap 419 Of a German or Jap, 420She could sense Fifth Column activity. 421% 422A graduate student named Zac 423Was said to be great in the sack. 424 An inch of his boner 425 Put girls in a coma 426And two gave them epileptic attacks. 427% 428A greedy young lady from Sidney 429Liked it in up to her kidney, 430 Till a man from Quebec 431 Shoved it up to her neck-- 432He really diddled her, didn' he? 433% 434A green-thumbed young farmer from Leeds 435Once swallowed a package of seeds. 436 In a month, his ass 437 Was covered with grass 438And his balls were grown over with weeds. 439% 440A guest in a household quite charmless 441Was informed its eccentric was harmless: 442 "If you're caught unawares 443 At the head of the stairs, 444Just remember, he's eyeless and armless." 445 -- Edward Gorey 446% 447A habit depraved and unsavory 448Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery 449 Midst screeches and howls 450 He deflowered young owls 451Which he kept in an underground aviary 452% 453A habit obscene and bizarre, 454Has taken a-hold of papa. 455 He brings home young camels 456 And other odd mammals, 457And gives them a go at mama. 458% 459A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk 460Made love to the drive of his disk. 461 The thing circumsized him, 462 Which rather suprised him. 463He wasn't aware of *that* risk. 464% 465A handsome young rodent named Gratian 466As a lifeguard became a sensation. 467 All the lady mice waved 468 And screamed to be saved 469By his mouse-to-mouse resuscitation. 470% 471A happy old hooker named Grace 472Once sponsored a cunt-lapping race. 473 It was hard for beginners 474 To tell who were winners : 475There were cunt hairs all over the place. 476% 477A hardware debugger named Court 478Shoved his tool in an Ethernet port. 479 But its buffer array 480 Only handled 1K, 481So the port's driver cut it off short. 482% 483A haughty young wench of Del Norte 484Would fuck only men over forty. 485 Said she, "It's too quick 486 With a young fellow's prick; 487I like it to last, and be warty." 488% 489A headstrong young woman in Ealing 490Threw her two weeks' old child at the ceiling; 491 When quizzed why she did, 492 She replied, "To be rid 493Of a strange, overpowering feeling." 494 -- Edward Gorey 495% 496A hearty young fellow named Yost 497Once had an affair with a ghost. 498 At the height of the spasm 499 The poor ectoplasm 500Cried, "Goodie, I feel it ... almost." 501% 502A hidebound young virgin named Carrie 503Would say, when the fellows got hairy : 504 "Keep your prick in your pants 505 Till the end of this dance--" 506Which is why Carrie still has her cherry. 507% 508A highly aesthetic young Jew 509Had eyes of a heavenly blue; 510 The end of his dillie 511 Was shaped like a lilly, 512And his balls were too utterly two! 513% 514A highway patrol buff named Claire, 515Once screwed half a troop on a dare, 516 And her parts grew so hot, 517 There was steam on her twat, 518So they nicknamed her Smokey the Bare! 519% 520A horny young fellow named Reg, 521Was jerking off under a hedge. 522 The gardener drew near 523 With a huge pruning shear, 524And trimmed off the edge of his wedge. 525% 526A huge-organed female in Dallas, 527Named Alice, who yearned for a phallus, 528 Was virgo intacto, 529 Because, ipso facto, 530No phallus in Dallas fit Alice. 531% 532A joker who haunts Monticello 533Is really a terrible fellow. 534 In the midst of caresses 535 He fills ladies dresses 536With garter snakes, ice cubes, and jello. 537% 538A lacklustre lady of Brougham 539Weaveth all night at her loom. 540 Anon she doth blench 541 When her lord and his wench 542Pull a chain in the neighbouring room. 543% 544A lad from far-off Transvaal 545Was lustful, but tactful withal. 546 He'd say, just for luck, 547 "Mam'selle, do you fuck?" 548But he'd bow till he almost would crawl. 549% 550A lad of the brainier kind 551Had erogenous zones in his mind. 552 He got his sensations, 553 By solving equations, 554(Of course, in the end, he went blind.) 555% 556A lad, at his first copulation, 557Cried, "What a sensation! Inflation, 558 Gyration, elation 559 Throughout the duration, 560I guess I'll give up masturbation." 561% 562A lady born under a curse 563Used to drive forth each day in a hearse; 564 From the back she would wail 565 Through a thickness of veil: 566"Things do not get better, but worse." 567 -- Edward Gorey 568% 569A lady both callous and brash 570Met a man with a vast black moustache; 571 She cried, "Shave it, O do! 572 And I'll put it with glue 573On my hat as a sort of panache." 574 -- Edward Gorey 575% 576A lady from Kalamazoo 577Once found she had nothing to do, 578 So she sat on the stairs 579 And she counted her hairs: 5804,302. 581% 582A lady from Old Little Rock 583In fidelity took little stock, 584 And deserted her man 585 In the streets of Japan 586For a boy with a prehensile cock. 587% 588A lady removing her scanties, 589Heard them crackle electrical chanties. 590 Said her beau, "Have no fear, 591 For the reason is clear: 592You simply have amps in your panties. 593% 594A lady stockholder quite hetera 595Decided her fortune to bettera: 596 On the floor, quite unclad, 597 She successively had 598Merrill Lynch, Pierce, Fenner, et cetera... 599% 600A lady was seized with intent 601To revise her existence misspent. 602 So she climbed up the dome 603 Of St. Peter's in Rome, 604Where she stayed through the following Lent. 605 -- Edward Gorey 606% 607A lady who signs herself "Vexed" 608Writes to say she believes she's been hexed: 609 "I don't mind my shins 610 Being stuck full of pins, 611But I fear I am coming unsexed." 612 -- Edward Gorey 613% 614A lady with features cherubic 615Was famed for her area pubic. 616 When they asked her its size 617 She replied in surprise, 618"Are you speaking of square feet, or cubic?" 619% 620A lady, while dining in Crewe, 621Found an elephant's whang in her stew. 622 Said the waiter, "Don't shout 623 Or wave it about 624Or the others will ask for one, too." 625% 626A lass at the foot of her class 627Asked a brainier chick how to pass. 628 She replied, "With no fuss 629 You can get a B-plus, 630By letting the prof pat your ass." 631% 632A lecherous barkeep named Dale, 633After fucking his favorite female, 634 Mixed Drambuie and scotch 635 With the cream in her crotch 636For a lustier, Rusty-er Nail. 637% 638A licentious old justice of Salem 639Used to catch all the harlots and jail 'em. 640 But instead of a fine 641 He would stand them in line, 642With his common-law tool to impale 'em. 643% 644A limerick packs laughs anatomical 645Into space that is quite economical. 646 But the good ones I've seen 647 So seldom are clean, 648And the clean ones so seldom are comical. 649% 650A lonely young lad of Eton 651Used always to sleep with the heat on, 652 Till he ran into a lass 653 Who showed him her ass -- 654Now they sleep with only a sheet on. 655% 656A lovely young diver named Nancy, 657Wore a bikini bottom quite chancy, 658 The fish of Bonaire, 659 Watched her Derriere, 660And the sea fans all tickled her fancy. 661% 662A lovely young maid from St. Jude 663Once rode through the streets in the nude. 664 The police cried, "Whatam-- 665 Agnificent bottom" 666And slapped it as hard as they could. 667% 668A lusty young maid from Seattle 669Got pleasure by sleeping with cattle; 670 Till she found a bull 671 Who filled her so full 672It made both her ovaries rattle. 673% 674A lusty young woodsman of Maine 675For years with no woman had lain, 676 But he found sublimation 677 At a high elevation 678In the crotch of a pine -- God, the pain! 679% 680A madam who ran a bordello 681Put come in her pineapple jello, 682 For the rich, sexy taste 683 And not wanting to waste 684That greasy kid stuff from a fellow. 685% 686A maestro directing in Rome 687Had a quaint way of driving it home. 688 Whoever he climbed 689 Had to keep her tail timed 690To the beat of his old metronome. 691% 692A maiden who lived in Virginny 693Had a cunt that could bark, neigh and whinny. 694 The horsey set rushed her, 695 But success finally crushed her 696For her tone soon became harsh and tinny. 697% 698A maiden who travelled in France 699Once got on a train, just by chance. 700 The engineer fucked her, 701 The conductor sucked her, 702And the fireman came in his pants. 703% 704A maiden who wrote of big cities 705Some songs full of love, fun and pities, 706 Sold her stuff at the shop 707 Of a musical wop 708Who played with her soft little titties. 709% 710A man was once heard to boast, 711That he received a parcel by post, 712 It contained, so we heard, 713 A magnificent turd, 714And the balls of his grandfather's ghost. 715% 716A marine being sent to Hong Kong 717Got a doctor to alter his dong. 718 He sailed off with a tool 719 Flat and thin as a rule - 720When he got there he found he was wrong. 721% 722A mathematician named Hall 723Had a hexhedronical ball, 724 And the square of its weight 725 Times his pecker's, plus eight, 726Was four-fifths of five-eighths of fuck-all. 727% 728A mathematician named Hall 729Has a hexahedronical ball, 730 And the cube of its weight 731 Times his pecker's, plus eight 732Is his phone number -- give him a call. 733% 734A mathematician named Klein 735Thought the Mobius band was divine. 736 Said he, "If you glue 737 The edges of two, 738You'll get a weird bottle like mine! 739% 740A middle-aged codger named Bruin 741Found his love life completely in ruin, 742 For he flirted with flirts 743 Wearing pants and no skirts, 744And he never got in for no screwin'. 745% 746A milkmaid there was, with a stutter, 747Who was lonely and wanted a futter. 748 She had nowhere to turn, 749 So she diddled a churn, 750And managed to come with the butter. 751% 752A mortician who practised in Fife 753Made love to the corpse of his wife. 754 "How could I know, Judge? 755 She was cold, did not budge-- 756Just the same as she'd acted in life." 757% 758A nasty old drunk in Carmel 759Thinks it funny to piss in the well. 760 He says, "Some don't favor 761 That unusual flavor, 762But I don't drink the stuff -- what the hell!" 763% 764A nervous young fellow named Fred 765Took a charming young widow to bed. 766 When he'd diddled a while 767 She remarked with a smile, 768"You've got it all in but the head." 769% 770A new dramatist of the absurd 771Has a voice that will shortly be heard. 772 I learn from my spies 773 He's about to devise 774An unprintable three-letter word. 775% 776A newly-wed man of Peru 777Found himself in a terrible stew: 778 His wife was in bed 779 Much deader than dead, 780And so he had no one to screw. 781% 782A newlywed couple from Goshen 783Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean. 784 In twenty-eight days 785 They got laid eighty ways -- 786Imagine such fucking devotion! 787% 788A notorious whore named Ms. Hearst, 789In the pleasures of men was well-versed. 790 Reads the sign o'er the head 791 Of her well-rumpled bed 792"The customer always comes first." 793% 794A novice was told by the Abbot: 795"Consider the goat and the rabbit. 796 While they roll in the hay 797 You just stay home and pray. 798You've got to get out of that habit." 799% 800A nudist resort at Benares 801Took a midget in all unawares. 802 But he made members weep 803 For he just couldn't keep 804His nose out of private affairs. 805% 806A nurse motivated by spite 807Tied her infantine charge to a kite; 808 She launched it with ease 809 On the afternoon breeze, 810And watched till it flew out of sight. 811 -- Edward Gorey 812% 813A passionate red-haired girl 814When you kissed her, her senses would whirl, 815 And her twat would get wet, 816 And would wiggle and fret, 817And her cunt-lips would curl and unfurl. 818% 819A pathetic old maid of Bordeaux 820Fell in love with a dashing young beau. 821 To arrest his regard 822 She would squat in his yard 823And longingly pee in the sneaux. 824% 825A petulant man once said, "Pish, 826Your cunt is as big as a dish." 827 She replied, "Why, you fool, 828 With your limp little tool, 829It's like driving a pin with a fish." 830% 831A physical fellow named Fisk 832Could screw at a rate very brisk. 833 So fast was his action 834 The Fitzgerald contraction 835Would shrink up his rod to a disk. 836% 837A pious old woman named Tweak 838Had taught her vagina to speak. 839 It was frequently liable 840 To quote from the Bible, 841But when fucking -- not even a squeak! 842% 843A pious young lady named Finnegan 844Would caution her friend, "Well, you're in again; 845 So time it aright, 846 Make it last through the night, 847For I certainly don't want to sin again!" 848% 849A pious young lady of Chichester 850Made all of the saints in their niches stir 851 And each morning at matin 852 Her breast in pink satin 853Made the bishop of Chichester's breeches stir. 854% 855A playful young chemist named Byrd 856Had an urge that could not be deferred. 857 So to irritate Knox 858 He shit in his sox, 859And plastered the walls with his turd. 860% 861A plumber whose name was John Brink 862Plumbed the cook as she bent o'er the sink. 863 Her resistance was stout, 864 And John Brink petered out, 865With his pipe-wrench all limber and pink. 866% 867A potter who lived in Bombay 868Once fashioned a cunt out of clay; 869 But the heat of his prick 870 Kilned the damn thing to brick 871And chafed all his foreskin away. 872% 873A pretty wife living in Tours 874Demanded her daily amour. 875 But the husband said, "No! 876 It's to much. Let it go! 877My backsides are dragging the floor." 878% 879A pretty young boy known as Kevin 880Was raped in a pasture by seven 881 Lascivious beasts 882 (Oh, those Anglican priests) 883And such is the Kingdom of Heaven. 884% 885A pretty young lady named Vogel 886Once sat herself down on a molehill. 887 A curious mole 888 Nosed into her hole -- 889Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. 890% 891A pretty young lady named Vogel 892Once sat herself down on a molehill. 893 A curious mole 894 Nosed into her hole -- 895Ms. Vogel's okay, but the mole's ill. 896% 897A pretty young maiden from France 898Decided she'd "just take a chance." 899 She let herself go 900 For an hour or so, 901And now all her sisters are aunts. 902% 903A princess who lived near a bog 904Met a prince in the form of a frog. 905 Now she and her prince 906 Are the parents of quints, 907Four boys and one fine polliwog. 908% 909A princess who reigned in Baroda 910Made her home on a purple pagoda. 911 She festooned the walls 912 Of her halls with the balls 913And the tools of the fools who be-stroda'. 914% 915A progressive professor named Winners 916Held classes each evening for sinners. 917 They were graded and spaced 918 So the vile and debased 919Would not be held back by beginners. 920% 921A rapist who reeked of cheap booze 922Attempted to ravish Miss Hughes. 923 She cried, "I suppose 924 There's no time for my clothes, 925But PLEASE let me take off my shoes!" 926% 927A rapturous young fellatrix 928One day was at work on five pricks. 929 With an unholy cry 930 She whipped out her glass eye: 931"Tell the boys I can now take on six." 932% 933A reckless young lady of France 934Had no qualms about taking a chance, 935 But she thought it was crude 936 To get screwed in the nude, 937So she always went home with damp pants. 938% 939A remarkable race are the Persians, 940They have such peculiar diversions. 941 They screw the whole day 942 In the regular way, 943And save up the nights for perversions. 944% 945A remarkable race are the Persians; 946They have such peculiar diversions. 947 They make love the whole day 948 In the usual way 949And save up the nights for perversions. 950% 951A responsive young girl from the East 952In bed was an able artiste. 953 She had learned two positions 954 From family physicians, 955And ten more from the old parish priest. 956% 957A romantic attraction has clung 958To a chap of whom damsels have sung: 959 "'Tis the Scourge from the East, 960 That lascivious beast 961Who was known as Attila the Hung!" 962% 963A sailor who slept in the sun, 964Woke to find his fly buttons undone, 965 He remarked with a smile, 966 "Good grief, a sun-dial! 967And now it's a quarter-past one." 968% 969A savvy young hooker named Gail 970Got busted and lodged in the jail. 971 But the jailer got hot, 972 To be lodged in her twat, 973And so Gail made the bail with her tail. 974% 975A scandal involving an oyster 976Sent the Countess of Clews to a cloister 977 She preferred it, in bed, 978 To the count (so she said) 979'Cause it's longer and stronger and moister. 980% 981A scream from the crypt of St. Giles 982Resounded for miles upon miles. 983 Said the friar, "Good gracious, 984 The brother Ignatious 985Forgeteth the abbot hath piles." 986% 987A seafaring hacker named Slatey 988Went to bed with a VAX/780. 989 The thing's learned to swear 990 With a nautical air, 991And refers to its users as "matey". 992% 993A sex-loving coed named Bree 994Caught the clap from her Apple IIE. 995 The joystick, she found, 996 Had been fooling around 997With a neighboring student's PC. 998% 999A silly young man from Hong Kong 1000Had hands that were skinny and long. 1001 He ate rice with his fingers-- 1002 The taste of it lingers, 1003But now all his fingers are gone. 1004% 1005A slick talking pirate named Bruce 1006To steal code, had a plan to seduce 1007 An Apple II+. 1008 Now Bruce wears a truss 1009And was jailed for computer abuse. 1010% 1011A software technician from Digital 1012Had hardware extremely prodigical. 1013 It's rumoured, I hear, 1014 That when he was near 1015He made the ladies all flustered and fidgital. 1016% 1017A space shuttle pilot named Ventry, 1018Made love to a lovely girl sentry. 1019 She started to pout, 1020 Because it fell out, 1021But the mission was saved by re-entry. 1022% 1023A sperm faced, alack and forsooth, 1024His moment of sexual truth. 1025 He'd expected to fall 1026 On a womb's spongy wall 1027But was dashed to his death on a tooth. 1028% 1029A spinster in Kalamazoo 1030Once strolled after dark by the zoo. 1031 She was seized by the nape, 1032 And fucked by an ape, 1033And she murmured, "A wonderful screw." 1034 1035And she added, "You're rough, yes, and hairy, 1036But I hope -- yes I do -- that I marry 1037 A man with a prick 1038 Half as stiff and as thick 1039As the kind that you zoo-keepers carry." 1040% 1041A spunky young schoolboy named Fred 1042Used totoss off each night while in bed. 1043 Said his mother, "Dear lad, 1044 That's exceedingly bad-- 1045Jump in here with your mamma instead." 1046% 1047A starship commander named Kirk 1048Emerged from his cabin berserk. 1049 He grabbed a girl yeoman 1050 Beneath the abdomen, 1051And gave her a physical jerk. 1052% 1053A stout Gaelic warrior, McPherson, 1054Was having a captive, a person 1055 Who was not averse 1056 Though she had the curse, 1057And he'd breeches of bristling furs on. 1058% 1059A structured programmer named Drew 1060Was intensely turned on by "goto". 1061 When he saw it in code 1062 He'd shoot off his load. 1063It's a good thing his shop used so few. 1064% 1065A studious professor named Nestor 1066Bet a whore all his books that he could best her. 1067 But she drained out his balls 1068 And skipped up the walls, 1069Beseeching poor Nestor to rest her. 1070% 1071A sweetheart named Teresa Arden 1072Went down on her beau in the garden. 1073 He said, "Good lord, Tess, 1074 Don't swallow that mess " 1075And she replied, "Ulp, beg your pardon?" 1076% 1077A systems programmer named Sprotic 1078Found his software intensely erotic. 1079 In jealous distress 1080 He wiped his OS. 1081It's possible that he's psychotic. 1082% 1083A talented fuckstress, Miss Chisholm, 1084Was renowned for her fine paroxysm. 1085 While the man detumesced 1086 She still spent on with zest, 1087Her rapture sheer anachronism. 1088% 1089A talented girl from Detroit 1090Could fuck you in ways quite adroit. 1091 She could squeeze her vagina 1092 To a pin-point or finer 1093Or open it out like a quoit. 1094% 1095A team playing baseball in Dallas 1096Called te umpire blind out of malice. 1097 While this worthy had fits 1098 The team made eight hits 1099And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. 1100% 1101A team playing baseball in Dallas 1102Called the umpire blind out of malice. 1103 While this worthy had fits 1104 The team made eight hits 1105And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. 1106% 1107A teenage protester named Lil 1108Cried, "Those watergate spies make me ill 1109 First they bugged our martinis, 1110 Our bras and bikinis, 1111And now they are bugging the pill." 1112% 1113A thrice-married gal from L.A. 1114Said, "My hymen's intact to this day, 1115 'Cause my first (a shrink) talked of it, 1116 The voyeur only gawked at it, 1117And my most recent man's a gourmet." 1118% 1119A tidy young lady of Streator 1120Dearly loved to nibble a peter. 1121 She always would say, 1122 "I prefer it this way. 1123I think it is very much neater." 1124% 1125A timid young woman named Jane 1126Found parties a terrible strain; 1127 With movements uncertain 1128 She'd hide in a curtain 1129And make sounds like a rabbit in pain. 1130 -- Edward Gorey 1131% 1132A tired young trollop of Nome 1133Was worn out from her toes to her dome. 1134 Eight miners came screwing, 1135 But she said, "Nothing doing; 1136One of you has to go home!" 1137% 1138A trapper named Francois Lefevre 1139Once captured and buggered a beaver. 1140 The result of this fuck 1141 Was a three titted duck, 1142A canoe, and an Irish retriever. 1143% 1144A tutor who tooted a flute 1145Tried to tutor two tutors to toot 1146 Said the two to the tutor: 1147 "Is it harder to toot or 1148To tutor two tutors to toot" 1149% 1150A vengeful technician named Schmitz 1151Caused a disk drive to go on the fritz. 1152 He covered the platter 1153 With bats' fecal matter. 1154Now it's seek time is really the pits. 1155% 1156A very odd pair are the Pitts: 1157His balls are as large as her tits, 1158 Her tits are as large 1159 As an invasion barge-- 1160Neither knows how the other cohabits. 1161% 1162A wanton young lady from Wimley 1163Reproached for not acting quite primly 1164 Said, "Heavens above! 1165 I know sex isn't love, 1166But it's such an entrancing facsimile." 1167% 1168A water pipe suited miss Hunt; 1169She used it for many a bunt. 1170 But the unlucky wench 1171 Got it caught in her trench --- 1172It took twenty-two men and a big Stillson wrench, 1173To get the thing out of her cunt. 1174% 1175A weary old lecher named Blott 1176Took a luscious young blond to his yacht. 1177 Too lazy to rape her, 1178 He made darts out of paper, 1179Which he leisurely tossed at her twat. 1180% 1181A whimsical fellow named Bloch 1182Could beat the base drum with his cock. 1183 With a special erection 1184 He could play a selection 1185From Johann Sebastian Bach. 1186% 1187A wicked stone cutter named Cary 1188Drilled holes in divine statuary. 1189 With eyes full of malice 1190 He pulled out his phallus, 1191And buggered a stone Virgin Mary. 1192% 1193A wide-bottomed girl named Trasket 1194Had a hole as big as a basket. 1195 A spot, as a bride, 1196 In it now, you could hide, 1197And include with your luggage your mascot. 1198% 1199A widow who fancied a man some 1200Was diddled three times in a hansome. 1201 When she clamored for more 1202 Her young man became sore 1203And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson." 1204% 1205A widow whose singular vice 1206Was to keep her late husband on ice 1207 Said, "It's been hard since I lost him -- 1208 I'll never defrost him! 1209Cold comfort, but cheap at the price." 1210% 1211A wonderful tribe are the Sweenies, 1212Renowned for the length of their peenies. 1213 The hair on their balls 1214 Sweeps the floors of their halls, 1215But they don't look at women, the meanies. 1216% 1217A wood-fetish busboy named Gable 1218Is rapid, is thorough, is able; 1219 But when everything's cleared, 1220 He gives way to the weird, 1221As he lovingly busses each table. 1222% 1223A worn-out young husband named Lehr 1224Her daily his wife's plaintive prayer: 1225 "Slip on a sheath, quick, 1226 Then slip your big dick 1227Between these lips covered with hair." 1228% 1229A worried young man from Stamboul 1230Founds lots of red spots on his tool. 1231 Said the doctor, a cynic, 1232 "Get out of my clinic; 1233Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!" 1234% 1235A young Juliet of St. Louis 1236On a balcony stood acting screwy. 1237 Her Romeo climbed, 1238 But he wasn't well timed, 1239And half-way up, off he went -- blooey! 1240% 1241A young bride and groom of Australia 1242Remarked as they joined genitalia : 1243 "Though the system seems odd, 1244 We are thankful that God 1245Developed the genus Mammalia." 1246% 1247A young fellow discovered through Freud 1248That although of penis devoid, 1249 He could practice coitus 1250 By eating a foetus, 1251And his parents were quite overjoyed. 1252% 1253A young lad named Lester McGraw 1254Caught a stranger on top of his Maw. 1255 As he watched him stick her 1256 He said, with a snicker, 1257"You do it much faster than Paw." 1258% 1259A young lady sat by the sea, 1260Just as proper as proper could be. 1261 A young fellow goosed her, 1262 And roughly seduced her, 1263So she thanked him and went home to tea. 1264% 1265A young lady who lived by the Usk 1266Subsisted each day on a rusk; 1267 She ate the first bite 1268 Before it was light, 1269And the last crumb sometime after dusk. 1270 -- Edward Gorey 1271% 1272A young lass got married at Chester; 1273Her mother she kissed and she blessed her. 1274 Said she, "You're in luck -- 1275 'E's a stunning good fuck, 1276For I've 'ad 'im meself down in Leicester." 1277% 1278A young maiden from France was no prude, 1279She decided to dive in the nude, 1280 But her buddy, behind, 1281 Went out of his mind, 1282When he noticed where she was tatooed. 1283% 1284A young man by a girl was desired 1285To give her the thrills she required, 1286 But he died of old age 1287 Ere his cock could assuage 1288The volcanic desire it inspired. 1289% 1290A young man from the banks of the Po 1291Found his cock had elongated so, 1292 That when he'd pee 1293 It was never he 1294But only his neighbors who'd know. 1295% 1296A young man grew increasingly peaky 1297In a house where the hinges were squeaky, 1298 The ferns curled up brown, 1299 The ceilings flaked down, 1300And all of the faucets were leaky. 1301 -- Edward Gorey 1302% 1303A young man maintained that his trigger 1304Was so big that there weren't any bigger. 1305 But this long and thick pud 1306 Was so heavy it could 1307Scarcely lift up its head. It lacked vigor. 1308% 1309A young man of Llanfairpwllgwyngyll 1310While bent over plucking a dingle 1311 Had the whole of Eisteddfod 1312 Taking turns at his pod 1313While they sang some impossible jingle. 1314% 1315A young man of acumen and daring, 1316Who'd amassed a great fortune in herring, 1317 Was left quite alone 1318 When it soon became known 1319That their use at his board was unsparing. 1320 -- Edward Gorey 1321% 1322A young man with passions quite gingery 1323Tore a hole in his sister's best lingerie. 1324 He slapped her behind 1325 And made up his mind 1326To add incest to insult and injury. 1327% 1328A young polo-player of Berkeley 1329Made love to his sweetheart beserkly. 1330 In the midst of each chukker 1331 He would break off and fuck her 1332Horizontally, laterally and verkeley. 1333% 1334A young systems programmer of Sprotic 1335Found his software intensely erotic. 1336 In jealous distress 1337 He wiped his OS. 1338It's possible that he's a psychotic. 1339% 1340A young violinist from Rio 1341Was seducing a woman named Cleo. 1342 As she took down her panties 1343 She said, "No andantes; 1344I want this allegro con brio!" 1345% 1346A young wife in the outskirts of Reims 1347Preferred frigging to going to mass. 1348 Said her husband, "Take Jacques, 1349 Or any young cock, 1350For I cannot live up to your ass." 1351% 1352A young woman got married at Chester, 1353Her mother she kissed her and blessed her. 1354 Says she, "You're in luck, 1355 He's a stunning good fuck, 1356For I've had him myself down in Leicester." 1357% 1358Aboard the good ship Venus, The cabin boy, the captain's joy, 1359The mast it was a penis, A cunning little nipper, 1360 Her figurehead They filled his ass, 1361 A whore in bed, With broken glass, 1362Good grief you should have seen us! And circumcised the skipper. 1363 1364The first mate's name was Higgins, The captain's daughter Mabel, 1365And Higgins was a biggins, They screwed when they were able, 1366 Once round the deck, They nailed her tits, 1367 Twice up the mast, Those nasty shits, 1368And the rest was used for riggins'! Right to the captain's table. 1369 1370The engineer's name was Carter, The second mate's name was Andy, 1371And Carter was a farter, By God, he was a dandy, 1372 When the wind wouldn't blow, They broke his cock, 1373 And the ship couldn't go, With chunks of rock, 1374Carter the farter would start her! For conking in the brandy! 1375% 1376According to experts, the oyster 1377In its shell - a crustacean cloister - 1378 May frequently be 1379 Either he or a she 1380Or both, if it should be its choice ter. 1381% 1382Alas for the Countess d'Isere, 1383Whose muff wasn't furnished with hair. 1384 Said the Count, "Quelle surprise!" 1385 When he parted her thighs; 1386"Magnifique! Pourtant pas de la guerre." 1387% 1388All the female apes ran from King Kong 1389For his dong was unspeakably long. 1390 But a friendly giraffe 1391 Quaffed his yard and a half, 1392And ecstatically burst into song. 1393% 1394An AI researcher named Bluth 1395Wrote, to find out the sexual truth, 1396 Eroticon VI, 1397 Which he taught certain tricks 1398Which I'm sure can't be found in Knuth. 1399% 1400An ARPAnaut name of Corvette 1401Had a fetish involving the net. 1402 As he fondled his IMP 1403 His cock went from limp 1404To as hard as concrete which has set. 1405% 1406An Argentine gaucho named Bruno 1407Who said, "Fucking is one thing I do know. 1408 Women are fine 1409 And sheep are divine 1410But llamas are numero uno." 1411% 1412An Edwardian father named Udgeon, 1413Whose offspring provoked him to dudgeon, 1414 Used on Saturday nights 1415 To turn down the lights, 1416And chase them around with a bludgeon. 1417 -- Edward Gorey 1418% 1419An aesthete from South Carolina 1420Had a cock that tickled like China, 1421 But while shooting his load 1422 It cracked like old Spode, 1423So he's bought him a Steuben vagina. 1424% 1425An agreeable girl named Miss Doves 1426Likes to jack off the young men she loves. 1427 She will use her bare fist 1428 If the fellows insist 1429But she really prefers to wear gloves. 1430% 1431An amazon giantess named Dunne 1432Let a midget screw her for fun. 1433 But the poor little runt 1434 Was engulfed in her cunt 1435And re-born as the twin of his son. 1436% 1437An ambitious lady named Harriet 1438Once dreamed she was raped in a chariot 1439 By seventeen sailors 1440 A monk and three tailors, 1441Mohammed and Judas Iscariot. 1442% 1443An angst-ridden amorist, Fred, 1444Saw sartorial changes ahead. 1445 His mind kept on ringing 1446 With fishy girls singing; 1447Soft fruit also filled him with dread. 1448 -- J. Walker, "The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock" 1449% 1450An anonymous woman we knew 1451Was dozing one day in her pew; 1452 When the preacher yelled "Sin!" 1453 She said, "Count me in 1454As soon as the service is through." 1455% 1456An architect fellow named Yoric 1457Could, when feeling euphoric, 1458 Display for selection 1459 Three kinds of erection -- 1460Corinthian, ionic, and doric. 1461% 1462An ardent young man named Magruder 1463Once wooed a girl nude in Bermuda. 1464 She thought it quite lewd 1465 To be wooed in the nude, 1466But magruder was shrewder, he screwed her. 1467% 1468An arrogant wench from Salt Lake 1469Liked to tease all the boys on the make. 1470 She was finally the prize 1471 Of a man twice her size 1472And all she recalls is the ache. 1473% 1474An artist who lived in Australia 1475Once painted his ass like a Dahlia. 1476 The drawing was fine, 1477 The colour - devine, 1478The scent - ah, that was a failia. 1479% 1480An eager young hacker named Gus 1481Once buggered a VAX Unibus. 1482 The hardware went bad, 1483 But not the young lad 1484(Except for the toupee and truss). 1485% 1486An eager young hacker named Gus 1487Once buggered a VAX Unibus. 1488 The hardware went bad, 1489 But not the young lad 1490He didn't expect all that fuss! 1491% 1492An envious girl named McMeanus 1493Was jealous of her lover's big penis. 1494 It was small consolation 1495 That the rest of the nation 1496Of women were with her in weeness. 1497% 1498An exotic young lady named Suki 1499Once danced in a troupe of kabuki 1500 When asked for a fuck 1501 She said, "Solly, no luck-- 1502See here: looky looky, no nuki " 1503% 1504An impish young fellow named James 1505Had a passion for idiot games. 1506 He lighted the hair 1507 Of his lady's affair 1508And laughed as she pissed through the flames. 1509% 1510An impotent Scot named MacDougall 1511Had to husband his sperm and be frugal. 1512 He was gathering semen 1513 To gender a he-man, 1514By screwing his wife through a bugle. 1515% 1516An incautious young woman named Venn 1517Was seen with the wrong sort of men; 1518 She vanished one day, 1519 But the following May 1520Her legs were retrieved from a fen. 1521 -- Edward Gorey 1522% 1523An indefatigable woman named Bavel 1524Had often occasion to travel; 1525 On the way she would sit 1526 And furiously knit, 1527And on the way back she'd unravel. 1528 -- Edward Gorey 1529% 1530An ingenious young man in South Bend 1531Made a synthetic ass for a friend, 1532 But the friend shortly found 1533 Its construction unsound, 1534It was simply a bother -- no end. 1535% 1536An innocent maiden named Herridge 1537Was cruelly tricked ito marriage; 1538 When she later found out 1539 What her spouse was about, 1540She threw herself under a carriage. 1541 -- Edward Gorey 1542% 1543An inquisitive virgin named Dora 1544Asked the man who started to bore 'er : 1545 "Do you mean birds and bees 1546 Go through antics like these, 1547To suppy us our fauna and flora?" 1548% 1549An irate young lady named Booker 1550Told her husband, "You beast, I'm no hooker! 1551 If you want it queer ways, 1552 Go to whores for your lays!" 1553So he packed up his tool and forsook 'er. 1554% 1555An octagenerian Jew 1556To his wife remained steadfastly true. 1557 This was not from compunction, 1558 But due to dysfunction 1559Of his spermatic glands -- nuts to you. 1560% 1561An old couple just at Shrovetide 1562Were having a piece -- when he died. 1563 The wife for a week 1564 Sat tight on his peak, 1565And bounced up and down as she cried. 1566% 1567An old electronic designer 1568Had designs on a minor named Dinah. 1569 He couldn't carry them out 1570 For his prick was too stout, 1571And too small was the minor's vagina. 1572% 1573An old gentleman's crotchets and quibblings 1574Were a terrible trial to his siblings, 1575 But he was not removed 1576 Till one day it was proved 1577That the bell-ropes were damp with his dribblings. 1578 -- Edward Gorey 1579% 1580An old maid who had a pet ape 1581Lived in fear of perpetual rape. 1582 His red, hairy phallus 1583 So filled her with malice 1584That she sealed up her snatch with Scotch tape. 1585% 1586An old man at the Folies Bergere 1587Had a jock, a most wondrous affair: 1588 It snipped off a twat-curl 1589 From each new chorus girl, 1590And he had a wig made of the hair. 1591% 1592An organist playing in York 1593Had a prick that could hold a small fork, 1594 And between obbligatos 1595 He'd munch at tomatoes, 1596To keep up his strength while at work. 1597% 1598An orgasmic young sex star named Sue 1599Was a hit as she writhed to a screw. 1600 Her climatic fame spread 1601 With an ad blitz that said: 1602Coming soon at a theater near you! 1603% 1604An uptight young lady named Breerley 1605Who valued her morals too dearly 1606 Had sex, so I hear, 1607 Only once every year, 1608And she strained her vagina severely. 1609% 1610And earnest young woman in Thrace 1611Said, "Darling, that's not the right place!" 1612 So he gave her a thwack, 1613 And did on her back, 1614What he couldn't have done face to face. 1615% 1616And let me the canakin clink, clink; 1617and let me the canakin clink. 1618 A soldier's a man; 1619 O, man's life's but a span, 1620Why then, let a soldier drink. 1621% 1622And then there's the story that's fraught 1623With disaster -- of balls that got caught, 1624 When a chap took a crap 1625 In the woods, and a trap 1626Underneath... Oh, I can't bear the thought! 1627% 1628As for weirdness, the guy who's the tops 1629Is a kinky old butcher named Pops. 1630 Since he thinks it's effete 1631 To be beating his meat, 1632What he's into is licking his chops. 1633% 1634As he came in his chubby choirboy, 1635Father Burke said, "There's no greater joy! 1636 If no sodomy levens 1637 And possible heavens, 1638Existence will merely annoy." 1639% 1640As the breeches-buoy swing towards the rocks, 1641Its occupant cried, "Save my socks! 1642 I could not bear the loss, 1643 For with scarlet silk floss 1644My mama has embroidered their clocks." 1645 -- Edward Gorey 1646% 1647As tourists inspected the apse 1648An ominous series of raps 1649 Came from under the altar, 1650 Which caused some to falter 1651And others to shriek and collapse. 1652 -- Edward Gorey 1653% 1654Asked a supplicant priest of the pontiff, 1655"Do I sin if I do what I want, if 1656 I screw a young nun 1657 In the eastertide sun?" 1658His holiness murmured, "Gut yontiff." 1659% 1660At Vassar, sex isn't injurious, 1661Though of love we are never penurious. 1662 Thanks to vulcanized aids, 1663 Though we may die old maids, 1664At least we shall never die curious. 1665% 1666At a contest for farting in Butte 1667One lady's exertion was cute : 1668 It won the diploma 1669 For fetid aroma, 1670And three judges were felled by the brute. 1671% 1672At a dance, a girl from Connecticut 1673Showed an absolute absence of etiquette 1674 Letting all comers press 1675 Through the skirt of her dress 1676And wiping the mess with her petticoat. 1677% 1678At the Villa Nemetia the sleepers 1679Are disturbed by a phantom in weepers; 1680 It beats all night long 1681 A dirge on a gong 1682As it staggers about in the creepers. 1683 -- Edward Gorey 1684% 1685At the end of all civilization 1686Is the planet Terminus's location. 1687 There's a girl there whose feat, 1688 Without stone or concrete, 1689Nonetheless, was to lay the Foundation. 1690% 1691At the moment Japan declared war 1692A sailor was fucking a whore. 1693 He said, "After this poke 1694 `Long and hard' ain't no joke; 1695This means months 'til I get back ashore." 1696% 1697At whist drives and strawberry teas 1698Fan would giggle and show off her knees; 1699 But when she was alone 1700 She'd drink eau de cologne, 1701And weep from a sense of unease. 1702 -- Edward Gorey 1703% 1704Augustus, for splashing his soup, 1705Was put for the night on the stoop; 1706 In the morning he'd not 1707 Repented a jot, 1708And next day he was dead of the croup. 1709 -- Edward Gorey 1710% 1711Back in the days of old Adam 1712The grass served as mattress for madam, 1713 And they spent the whole day 1714 On the sex that today 1715They would bounce on box springs, if they had 'em. 1716% 1717Coitus upon a cadaver 1718Is the ultimate way you can have 'er. 1719 Her inanimate state 1720 Means a man needn't wait, 1721And eliminates all the palaver. 1722% 1723Cried Miss Pratt : "What are you staring at? 1724I know - you don't have to say that! 1725 All you guys want of me 1726 Is a poke where I pee, 1727And it's pounding my ass mighty flat!" 1728% 1729Cum Hilde autem ambulabat 1730Homo qui aedificabat. 1731 Dixit volebat. Debet et potebat. 1732 Sic ille ducebat. Statim faciebat. 1733Sed virginem pine necebat. 1734% 1735Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches 1736Got on with her grooms and her wenches: 1737 She went down on the gents, 1738 And pronged the girl's vents 1739With a clitoris reaching six inches. 1740% 1741De Hispanice puella verumque 1742Simplex oris verborumque 1743 Tulit potens vagina 1744 Hominum agmina 1745Iterum iterum iterumque. 1746% 1747Did you hear about young Henry Lockett? 1748He was blown down the street by a rocket. 1749 The force of the blast 1750 Blew his balls up his ass, 1751And his pecker was found in his pocket. 1752% 1753DuPont, I.G., Monsanto, and Shell 1754Built a world-circling pussy cartel, 1755 And by planned obsolescence, 1756 So controlled detumescence, 1757A poor man could not get a smell. 1758% 1759Each Friday his engines abort, 1760But Scotty is never caught short. 1761 He fills his machines 1762 With space-navy beans, 1763And farts the ship back into port. 1764% 1765Each night Father fills me with dread 1766When he sits on the foot of my bed; 1767 I'd not mind that he speaks 1768 In gibbers and squeaks, 1769But for the seventeen years he's been dead. 1770 -- Edward Gorey 1771% 1772Es giebt ein Arbeiter von Tinz, 1773Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz. 1774 Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen, 1775 Ich hore Mann kommen." 1776"Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz." 1777% 1778Ethnologists up with the Sioux 1779Wired home for two punts, one canoe. 1780 The answer next day, 1781 Said, "Girls on the way, 1782But what the hell's a `panoe'?" 1783% 1784Exuberant Sue from Anjou 1785Found that fucking affected her hue. 1786 She presented to sight 1787 Nipples pink, bottom white; 1788But her asshole was purple and blue. 1789% 1790Flappity, floppity, flip 1791The mouse on the Mobius strip; 1792 The strip revolved, 1793 The mouse dissolved 1794In a chronodimensional skip. 1795% 1796Fond of equestrians, Mabel 1797Looked for true love in the stable. 1798 But she found the studs, 1799 For her were all duds, 1800Now she's out with the leg of a table. 1801% 1802For the sores on his prick he used Dial. 1803That failed; he gave Lava a trial. 1804 But the one remedy 1805 For contagious V.D. 1806Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial. 1807% 1808From Number Nine, Penwiper Mews, 1809There is really abominable news; 1810 They've discovered a head 1811 In the box for the bread, 1812But nobody seems to know whose. 1813 -- Edward Gorey 1814% 1815From deep in the crypt at St. Giles 1816Came a bellow that echoed for miles. 1817 Said the rector, "My gracious, 1818 Has Father Ignatius 1819Forgotten the Bishop has piles!?" 1820% 1821From the bathing machine came a din 1822As of jollification within; 1823 It was heard far and wide, 1824 And the incoming tide 1825Had a definite flavour of gin. 1826 -- Edward Gorey 1827% 1828Fucking is a filthy deed. -- I like it. 1829It satisfies a normal need. -- I like it. 1830 It makes you sick, it makes you well, 1831 It turns your spine to fucking jell, 1832It damns your soul to Eternal Hell! -- I like it. 1833% 1834God's plan had a great beginning, 1835But man spoiled his chances by sinning 1836 We trust that the story 1837 Will end in God's glory 1838But at present the other side's winning. 1839% 1840God's plan made a hopeful beginning 1841But man spoiled his chances by sinning. 1842 We trust that the story 1843 Will end in God's glory 1844But at present, the other side's winning. 1845% 1846Have you heard about Magda Lupescu, 1847Who came to Rumania's rescue? 1848 It's a wonderful thing 1849 To be under a king-- 1850Is democracy better, I esk you? 1851% 1852Have you heard of knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzum 1853Who married Samantha, his bow-legged cousin? 1854 Some people say, 1855 Love finds a way, 1856But for Sam and Samantha it doesn'. 1857% 1858Have you heard of the lady named Cox 1859Who had a capacious old box? 1860 When her lover was in place 1861 She said, "Please turn your face. 1862I look like a gal, but I screw like a fox." 1863% 1864Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham 1865And the scandal that's currently concerning'em? 1866 How they lift the frock 1867 And tickle the cock 1868Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em? 1869% 1870He hated to mend, so young Ned 1871Called in a cute neighbor instead. 1872 Her husband said, "Vi, 1873 When you stitched his torn fly, 1874Did you have to bite off the thread?" 1875% 1876He hated to mend, so young Ned 1877Called in a cute neighbor instead. 1878 Her husband said, "Vi, 1879 When you stitched up his torn fly, 1880Did you have to bite off the thread?" 1881% 1882He played smooch and stinkfinger with Daisy 1883Till this virgin was gotch-eyed and hazy. 1884 Then his gargantuan pole in 1885 Her pink, tight, and swollen 1886Young cunt just about drove her crazy. 1887% 1888Her brother, a bastard named Ben, 1889Could rotate his pecker, and then 1890 He would shoot through his rear 1891 Which made him dear 1892Of the girls, and the envy of men. 1893% 1894Her daughter, thought worried Ms. Coffin, 1895Had morals the city might soften. 1896 So she phoned and asked, "Lynn, 1897 Are you living in sin?" 1898Lynn said, "No -- but I visit there often." 1899% 1900His shy bride admitted to Crandall 1901That for years she'd worked off with a candle, 1902 But a cock like his dick 1903 Gave her ten times the kick, 1904Though it stained her wee peehole to handle! 1905% 1906I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing 1907Who said, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?" 1908 I replied, "Simple shagging 1909 Without any wagging 1910Is only for screwing canoeing." 1911% 1912I met a young man in Chungking 1913Who had a very long thing -- 1914 But you'll guess my surprise 1915 When I found that its size 1916Just measured a third-finger ring! 1917% 1918I never had Miss Defauw, 1919But it wouldn't have been quite so raw 1920 If she'd only said "No" 1921 When I wanted her so; 1922But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!" 1923% 1924I once had the wife of a Dean 1925Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'. 1926 She remarked with some gaiety, 1927 "Not bad for the laiety, 1928Though the Bishop once managed thirteen." 1929% 1930I once met a lassie named Ruth 1931In a long distance telephone booth. 1932 Now I know the perfection 1933 Of an ideal connection 1934Even if somewhat uncouth. 1935% 1936I once was annoyed by a queer 1937Who made his intentions quite clear. 1938 Said I, "I'm no prude, 1939 So don't think me rude, 1940But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed." 1941% 1942I wish that my room had a floor; 1943I don't so much care for a door, 1944 But this walking around 1945 Without touching the ground 1946Is getting to be quite a bore! 1947 -- Gelett Burgess 1948% 1949I wonder what my wife will want tonight; 1950Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight? 1951 I wonder can she tell 1952 That I've been raising hell; 1953Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight? 1954 1955My wife is just as nice as can be, 1956I hope she doesn't feel too nice toward me. 1957 For an afternoon of joy, 1958 Is hell on the old boy, 1959I wonder what the wife will want tonight! 1960% 1961I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda, 1962I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder. 1963 She said it was crude 1964 To be wooed in the nude-- 1965I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her! 1966% 1967I would like to say, Mister Bunce, 1968I'm a great connoisseur of hot cunts. 1969 And in all my lewd life 1970 I've met none like your wife, 1971So why leave her to me, you big dunce? 1972% 1973I'd rather have fingers than toes, 1974I'd rather have ears than a nose, 1975 And a happy erection 1976 Brought just to perfection 1977Makes me terribly sad when it goes. 1978% 1979If continence causes neurosis 1980And intercourse causes thrombosis 1981 I'd rather expire 1982 Fulfilling desire 1983Than live in a state of psychosis. 1984% 1985If you're speaking of actions immoral 1986The how about giving the laurel 1987 To doughty Queen Esther, 1988 No three men could best her -- 1989One fore, and one aft, and one oral. 1990% 1991If your thesis is utterly vacuous, 1992Employ first-order predicate calculus. 1993 With sufficient formality, 1994 The sheerest banality, 1995Will be hailed by all as miraculous! 1996% 1997Il y a une jeune fille amoureuse 1998D'un homme qu'a une conduite honteuse; 1999 Il la mene chaque soir 2000 A son caveau noir 2001Et la bat avec plaintes crapuleuses. 2002 -- Edward Gorey 2003% 2004Il y avait un jeune homme de dijon, 2005Qui n'avait que peu de religion. 2006 Il dit:"quant a' moi, 2007 Je deteste tous les trois, 2008Le pere, et le fils, et le pigeon-" 2009% 2010Il y avait un plombier, Francois, 2011Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois. 2012 Dit-elle, "Arretez! 2013 J'entends quelqu'un venait." 2014Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi." 2015% 2016Il y avait une madame de Lahore 2017Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure, 2018 Mais la vagine tres forte, 2019 Toujours ouverte la porte, 2020Encore, et encore, et encore. 2021% 2022In Duluth there's a hostess, forsooth, 2023Who doesn't know gin from vermouth, 2024 But this lubricant lapse 2025 Isn't noticed, perhaps 2026Because nobody does in Duluth. 2027% 2028In my sweet little Alice Blue gown 2029Was the first time I ever laid down, 2030 I was both proud and shy 2031 As he opened his fly 2032And the moment I saw it I thought I would die. 2033 2034Oh it hung almost down to the ground, 2035As it went in I made not a sound, 2036 The more that he shoved it 2037 The more that I loved it, 2038As he came on my Alice Blue gown. 2039% 2040In my sweet little night gown of blue, 2041On the first night that I slept with you, 2042 I was both shy and scared 2043 As the bed was prepared, 2044And you played peekaboo with my ribbons of blue. 2045 2046As we both watched the break of day, 2047And in peaceful submission I lay, 2048 You said you adored it 2049 But dammit, you tore it, 2050My sweet little night gown of blue. 2051% 2052In the Garden of Eden lay Adam, 2053Complacently stroking his madam, 2054 And loud was his mirth 2055 For on all of the earth 2056There were only two balls -- and he had 'em. 2057% 2058In the Garden of Eden sat Adam, 2059Massaging the bust of his madam, 2060 He chuckled with mirth, 2061 For he knew that on earth, 2062There were only two boobs and he had 'em. 2063% 2064In the case of a lady named Frost, 2065Whose cunt's a good two feet acrost, 2066 It's the best part of valor 2067 To bugger the gal, or 2068You're apt to fall in and get lost. 2069% 2070In the little French town of Le'Beau, 2071Lived a maiden exceedingly droll. 2072 At a masquerade ball, 2073 Clad in nothing at all, 2074She backed in as a Parker house roll. 2075% 2076It always delights me at Hank's 2077To walk up the old river banks. 2078 One time in the grass 2079 I stepped on an ass, 2080And heard a young girl murmur, "Thanks." 2081% 2082It had snowed, and the man in the drift, 2083Flagged her down and asked, "Give me a lift?" 2084 They sat in her Bentley, 2085 She fondled him gently, 2086And the lift that he'd asked for was swift! 2087% 2088It takes little strain and no art 2089To bang out an echoing fart. 2090 The reaction is hearty 2091 When you fart at a party, 2092But the sensitive persons depart. 2093% 2094Love letters no longer they write us, 2095To their homes they so seldom invite us. 2096 It grieves me to say, 2097 They have learned with dismay, 2098We can't cure their `vulva pruritus'. 2099% 2100Marlene wanted Joy to relent, 2101She said, "AIDS is so hard to prevent. 2102 If you want to get laid, 2103 Then we'll have to tribade!" 2104(But Joy didn't know what she meant.) 2105% 2106McCoy's a seducer galore, 2107And of virgins he has quite a score. 2108 He tells them, "My dear, 2109 You're the Final Frontier, 2110Where man never has gone before." 2111% 2112Mrs. Kelly is partial to cocks; 2113Mr. Kelly likes rye on the rocks. 2114 When he's under the weather 2115 They can't get together, 2116So others get into her box. 2117% 2118My jaw aches, my pussy is sore. 2119I simply can't fuck any more; 2120 I'm covered with sweat, 2121 And you haven't come yet, 2122And my God, it's a quarter to four! 2123 -- The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint 2124% 2125Oden the bardling averred 2126His muse was the bum of a bird, 2127 And his Lesbian wife 2128 Would finger his fife 2129While Fisherwood waited as third. 2130% 2131Of his face she thought not very much, 2132But then, at the very first touch, 2133 Her attitude shifted -- 2134 He was terribly gifted 2135At frigging and fucking and such. 2136% 2137Oh pity the prince, Montezuma 2138He tried to make love to a puma. 2139 Seems the puma, in play, 2140 Tore his testes away -- 2141An example of animal huma. 2142% 2143Oh, pity the Duchess of Kent! 2144Her cunt is so dreadfully bent, 2145 The poor wench doth stammer, 2146 "I need a sledgehammer 2147To pound a man into my vent." 2148% 2149On a cannibal isle near Malaysia 2150Lives a lady they call Anastasia. 2151 Not russian elite- 2152 She's eager to eat 2153Whatever or whoever lays her. 2154% 2155On a ship wrecked far out at sea, 2156The girl said, "I can't seem to pee." 2157 "Aha!" said the mate, 2158 "That settles the fate 2159Of the captain, the pilot, and me." 2160% 2161On day a Monterey daughter 2162Did scuba down under the water. 2163 She later turned up 2164 The mom of a pup, 2165And they say t'was a otter that gotter. 2166% 2167On the breasts of a harlot from Yale 2168Was tattooed the price of her tail 2169 And on her behind, 2170 For the sake of the blind, 2171Was the same information in Braille. 2172% 2173On the porch of a dude named Horatio, 2174His girl got a yen for fellatio. 2175 As she sucked on his dingus 2176 He tried cunnilingus 2177But the cops ran 'em off of that patio. 2178% 2179Once a young gay from Khartoum 2180Took a lesbian up to his room. 2181 They argued all night 2182 Over who had the right 2183To do what, and with which, and to whom. 2184% 2185Once was a hooker named Gail, 2186Busted and sent-off to jail, 2187 She liked the jailer, 2188 He wanted to nail her, 2189So Gail made bail with her tail. 2190% 2191One evening a guru had coitus 2192With an actress, a whore and a poetess. 2193 When asked what position 2194 He used for coition, 2195He answered serenely, "the loetus." 2196% 2197One evening a guru had coitus 2198With an actress, a whore and a poetess. 2199 When asked what position 2200 He used for coition, 2201He answered serenely, "the lotus." 2202% 2203One night a girl had an affair 2204With a fellow all covered with hair. 2205 His enormous red whang 2206 Gave her a wonderful bang -- 2207She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear. 2208% 2209One night a girl had an affair 2210With a fellow all covered with hair. 2211 Then she picked up his hat 2212 And realized that 2213She'd been had by Smokey the Bear. 2214% 2215Our staff proctologist, Dr. Barr, 2216Has invented a new kind of car. 2217 With a tank full of shit 2218 There's no stopping it -- 2219For short trips, two poots take you far. 2220% 2221Poor Alice who lived in Corvallis 2222Had heard of, but not seen, the male phallus. 2223 At her first sight of one 2224 She started to run, 2225And last was seen sprinting through Dallas. 2226% 2227Pour guerir un acces de fievre 2228Un jeune homme poursuivit un lievre; 2229 Il le prit a son trou, 2230 Et fit faire un ragout 2231Des entrailles et des pattes au genievre. 2232 -- Edward Gorey 2233% 2234Said Einstein, "I have an equation 2235Which to some may seem Rabelaisian: 2236 Let V be virginity 2237 Approaching infinity; 2238Let P be a constant persuasion; 2239 2240"Let V over P be inverted 2241With the square root of Mu inserted 2242 N times into V ... 2243 The result, Q.E.D., 2244Is a relative!" Einstein asserted. 2245% 2246Said Einstein, "I have an equation 2247Which to some may seem rabelaisian: 2248 Let _V be virginity 2249 Approaching infinity; 2250Let _P be a constant persuasion; 2251 2252"Let _V over _P be inverted 2253With the square root of _M_u inserted 2254 _N times into _V ... 2255 The result, Q.E.D., 2256Is a relative!" Einstein asserted. 2257% 2258Said Francesca, "My lack of volition 2259Is leading me straight to perdition; 2260 But I haven't the strength 2261 To go to the length 2262Of making an act of contrition." 2263 -- Edward Gorey 2264% 2265Said President Jobcock one day : 2266"War's better than love, I should say. 2267 Instead of a virgin, 2268 It's murder I'm urgin'-- 2269You get lots more blood that-a-way." 2270% 2271Said a dainty young whore named Ms. Meggs, 2272"The men like to spread my two legs, 2273 Then slip in between, 2274 If you know what I mean, 2275And leave me the white of their eggs." 2276% 2277Said a decadent wench of Bombay : 2278"This has been a most wonderful day. 2279 Three cherry tarts, 2280 At least twenty farts, 2281Two shits, and a bloody fine lay." 2282% 2283Said a girl who upon her divan 2284Was attacked by a virile young man: 2285 "Such excess of passion 2286 Is quite out of fashion" 2287And she fractured his wrist with her fan. 2288 -- Edward Gorey 2289% 2290Said a happy young man of Fort Drum : 2291"What care I for this shortage of gum? 2292 My favorite chew 2293 Is a condom or two, 2294With a goodly amount of fresh come." 2295% 2296Said a horny young girl from Milpitas, 2297"My favorite sport is coitus." 2298 But a fullback from State, 2299 Made her period late, 2300And now she has athlete's fetus. 2301% 2302Said a lecherous fellow named Shea, 2303When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay, 2304 "You must seize it, and squeeze it, 2305 And tease it, and please it, 2306For Rome wasn't built in a day." 2307% 2308Said a lesbian lady, "It's sad; 2309Of all the girls that I've had, 2310 None gave me the thrill 2311 Of real rapture until 2312I learned how to be a tribade." 2313% 2314Said a madam named Mamie La Farge 2315To a sailor just off of a barge, 2316 "We have one girl that's dead, 2317 With a hole in her head-- 2318Of course there's a slight extra charge." 2319% 2320Said a modest young miss to de Sade, 2321I'm simply too shy and afraid 2322 To take part in your pranks. 2323 But to show you my thanks, 2324I'd just love to become your first aide. 2325% 2326Said a pornographistic young poet 2327"Although I perhaps do not show it, 2328 My interest in sin 2329 Is wearing quite thin, 2330And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it." 2331% 2332Said a swinging young chick named Lyth 2333Whose virtue was largely a myth, 2334 "Try as hard as I can, 2335 I can't find a man 2336That it's fun to be virtuous with." 2337% 2338Said crew girl Angelica Bauer : 2339"The captain's withdrawn, cold, and sour." 2340 Uhura said, "No, 2341 At night that's not so-- 2342He doesn't withdraw for an hour." 2343% 2344Said sneering Mohammed el-Din : 2345"Only infidel dogs put it in. 2346 Back home in Arabia 2347 We nibble the labia 2348Till the juice dribbles off of our chin." 2349% 2350Said the Duchess of Danzer at tea, 2351"Young man, do you fart when you pee?" 2352 I replied with some wit, 2353 "Do you belch when you shit?" 2354I think that was one up for me. 2355% 2356Said the cunt-lapping Bey of Algiers, 2357In a cunt halfway up to his ears : 2358 "This nautch is delicious, 2359 And without doubt nutritious. 2360She's my best-tasting wife in ten years!" 2361% 2362Said the nun as the bishop withdrew, 2363"This must be our final adieu, 2364 For the vicar is slicker, 2365 And thicker, and quicker, 2366And two inches longer than you." 2367% 2368Saint Peter was once heard to boast 2369That he'd had all the heavenly host : 2370 The Father and Son, 2371 And then - just for fun - 2372The hole in the Holy Ghost. 2373% 2374Says an airlining wanton named Vi: 2375"I'm a pantyless stew when I fly. 2376 To a muffer's delight, 2377 I'll take head on a flight, 2378So the guy can have pie in the sky." 2379% 2380She begged and she pleaded for more. 2381I said, "We've already had four, 2382 And I'm sure that you've heard, 2383 Though it's somewhat absurd, 2384That eros spelt backwards is sore." 2385% 2386She made a thing of soft leather, 2387And topped off the end with a feather. 2388 When she poked it inside her 2389 She took off like a glider, 2390And gave up her lover forever. 2391% 2392She stood there and peeled off her clothes, 2393And begged for a bang : goodness knows 2394 I am surely impure 2395 And I sizzled to scrure, 2396But the push had gone out of my hose. 2397% 2398She was coming round the mountain doin' ninety, 2399When the chain on her motorcycle broke, 2400 Now she's lying in the grass, 2401 With the muffler up her ass, 2402And her tits a-playin' Dixie on the spokes. 2403% 2404She was peeved, and called her beau "Mr." 2405Not because, when she came in, he kr., 2406 But she knew, just before 2407 She opened the door, 2408This same Mr. had kr. sr. 2409% 2410She wasn't what one could call pretty 2411And other girls offered her pity, 2412 So nobody guessed 2413 That her Wasserman test 2414Involved half the men in the city. 2415% 2416Sighed a neat little package named Annie : 2417"I've the tits and the twat and the fanny, 2418 Plus the yen, but the men 2419 Only call now and then-- 2420Can it be I've B.O. in my cranny?" 2421% 2422So here was this fellow of Strensall 2423Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil, 2424 Anemic, 'tis true, 2425 But an interesting screw, 2426Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile. 2427% 2428Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester, 2429She obliges all who accost her. 2430 She welcomes the prick 2431 Of Tom, Harry or Dick, 2432Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor. 2433% 2434That Harvard don down at El Djim -- 2435Oh, wasn't it nasty of him, 2436 With the whole harem randy, 2437 The sheik himself handy, 2438To muss up a young camel's quim. 2439% 2440That naughty old Sappho of Greece 2441Said: "What I prefer to a piece 2442 Is to have my pudenda 2443 Rubbed hard by the enda 2444The little pink nose of my niece." 2445% 2446The Dowager Duchess of Spout 2447Collapsed at the height of a rout; 2448 She found strength to say 2449 As they bore her away: 2450"I should never have taken the trout." 2451 -- Edward Gorey 2452% 2453The Enterprise crew when off work 2454Will fuck like an Ottoman Turk. 2455 Uhura the Zulu 2456 Is shacked up with Sulu, 2457And Spock shares a crew girl with Kirk. 2458% 2459The Enterprise girls, so one hears, 2460Have chased Spock for several years. 2461 His look of disdain 2462 Has spared them great pain, 2463For his prick is as sharp as his ears. 2464% 2465The Grecians were famed for fine art, 2466And buildings and stonework so smart. 2467 They distinguished with poise 2468 The men from the boys, 2469And used crowbars to keep them apart. 2470% 2471The King named Oedipus Rex 2472Who started this fuss about sex 2473 Put the world to great pains 2474 By the spots and the stains 2475Which he made on his mother's pubex. 2476% 2477The King plugged the Queen's ass with mustard 2478To make her fuck hot, but got flustered, 2479 And cried, "Oh, my dear, 2480 I am coming, I fear, 2481But the mustard will make you come `plus tard'." 2482% 2483The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher 2484Called a girl a most elegant creature. 2485 So she laid on her back 2486 And, exposing her crack, 2487Said, "Fuck that, you old Sunday School Teacher!" 2488% 2489The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher 2490Called a hen a most elegant creature. 2491 The hen, pleased with that, 2492 Laid an egg in his hat -- 2493And thus did the hen reward Beecher. 2494 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes 2495% 2496The Shah of the Empire of Persia 2497Lay for days in a sexual merger. 2498 When the nautch asked the Shah, 2499 "Won't you ever withdraw?" 2500He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia." 2501% 2502The Sultan was peeved with his harem, 2503And cooked up a scheme for to scare'em. 2504 He caught a big mouse 2505 Which he loosed in the house. 2506(Such confusion is called harem-scarem). 2507% 2508The acrobats - Tom and Louise- 2509Do an act in the nude on their knees. 2510 They crawl down the aisle 2511 While screwing dog-style, 2512As the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees." 2513% 2514The babe, with a cry brief and dismal, 2515Fell into the water baptismal; 2516 Ere they'd gathered its plight, 2517 It had sunk out of sight, 2518For the depth of the font was abysmal. 2519 -- Edward Gorey 2520% 2521The bedsprings next door jounce and creak : 2522They have kept me awake for a week. 2523 Why do newlyweds 2524 Select squeaky beds 2525To develop their fucking technique? 2526% 2527The bishop of Alexandretta 2528Loved a girl and he couldn't forget her. 2529 So he thought he'd enshrine her 2530 As the Holy Vagina 2531In the Church of the Sacred French Letter. 2532% 2533The bustard's a remarkable fowl 2534With surely no reason to growl 2535 He escapes what would be 2536 Illegitimacy 2537By the grace of a fortunate vowel. 2538% 2539The cruelest of creatures' the crab 2540With claws that can pinch you or stab, 2541 And then when you dine 2542 On crab and white wine 2543It gets you as well with the tab. 2544% 2545The fearless old bishop of Brest 2546Put his faith in the Lord to the test. 2547 He fucked whores in the apse 2548 With chancres and claps, 2549But first they were sprinkled and blessed. 2550% 2551The first child of a Mrs. Keats-Shelley 2552Came to light with its face in its belly; 2553 Her second was born 2554 With a hump and a horn, 2555And her third was as shapeless as jelly. 2556 -- Edward Gorey 2557% 2558The genital area of Ann 2559Will accommodate any size man, 2560 From the wee that cause titters 2561 To the mighty twat-splitters 2562That cause screams peasants hear in Japan. 2563% 2564The kings of Peru were the Incas, 2565Who were known far and wide as great drincas. 2566 They worshipped the sun 2567 And had lots of fun, 2568But the peasants all thought they were stincas. 2569% 2570The late Brigham Young was no neuter -- 2571No faggot, no fairy, no fruiter. 2572 Where ten thousand virgins 2573 Succumbed to his urgin's 2574There now stands the great State of Utah. 2575% 2576The latest reports from Good Hope 2577State that apes there have pricks thick as rope, 2578 And fuck high, wide, and free, 2579 From the top of one tree 2580To the top of the next -- what a scope! 2581% 2582The limerick is furtive and mean; 2583You must keep her in close quarantine, 2584 Or she sneaks to the slums 2585 And promptly becomes 2586Disorderly, drunk, and obscene. 2587 -- Morris Bishop 2588% 2589The limerick, a verse form iniquitous, 2590Has nonetheless been ubiquitous. 2591 Once Congress in session, 2592 Declared its suppression, 2593But people got around that by writing the last line with no rhyme or meter. 2594% 2595The moyel who treated young Alec 2596Was cross-eyed and hydrocephalic. 2597 Presented the child 2598 His aim was so wild 2599He rendered the poor boy biphallic. 2600% 2601The new cinematic emporium 2602Is not just a super-sensorium, 2603 But a highly effectual 2604 Heterosexual 2605Mutual masturbatorium. 2606% 2607The new local cinematorium 2608Is not only a super sensorium, 2609 But a highly effectual 2610 Heterosexual 2611Mutual masturbatorium. 2612% 2613The nipples of Sarah Sarong 2614When excited are twelve inches long 2615 This embarrassed her lover 2616 Who was pained to discover 2617She expected no less of his dong 2618% 2619The notorious Duchess of Peels 2620Saw a fisherman fishing for eels. 2621 Said she, "Would you mind? -- 2622 Shove one up my behind. 2623I am anxious to know how it feels." 2624% 2625The office brown-noser named Bunky 2626Would claim he was nobody's flunky. 2627 But when the chips were all down, 2628 His proboscis was brown, 2629And there hung many strands which were gunky. 2630% 2631The old archeologist, Throstle, 2632Discovered a marvelous fossil. 2633 He knew from its bend 2634 And the knot on the end, 2635T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle. 2636% 2637The once was a man from Bombay 2638Who modeled his cunts out of clay 2639 So hot was his prick 2640 That he turned them to brick 2641And rubbed all his foreskin away. 2642% 2643The partition of Vavasour Scowles 2644Was a sickener: they came on his bowels 2645 In a firkin; his brain 2646 Was found clogging a drain, 2647And his toes were inside of some towels. 2648 -- Edward Gorey 2649% 2650The prick of the engineer, Scott, 2651Fell off from Saturnian rot. 2652 He went to the basement 2653 And made a replacement 2654Of tungsten and plastic and snot. 2655% 2656The randy old Bey of Algiers 2657Who'd confined his cock-poking to queers, 2658 Tried a cunt for a change, 2659 And remarked : "It felt strange ... 2660Just think what I've missed all these years!" 2661% 2662The sight of his guests filled Lord Cray 2663At breakfast with horrid dismay, 2664 So he launched off the spoons 2665 The pits from his prunes 2666At their heads as they neared the buffet. 2667 -- Edward Gorey 2668% 2669The skater, Barbara Ann Scott 2670Is so fuckingly "winsome" a snot, 2671 That when posed on her toes 2672 She elaborately shows 2673Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat. 2674% 2675The spouse of a pretty young thing 2676Came home from the wars in the spring. 2677 He was lame but he came 2678 With his dame like a flame -- 2679A discharge is a wonderful thing. 2680% 2681The star of that X-rated hit 2682Plays a nurse with a throat full of clit. 2683 This serves as a palace 2684 For each turgid phallus-- 2685Some say that the plot is pure shit. 2686% 2687The wife of young Richard of Limerick 2688Complained to her husband, "My quim, Rick, 2689 Still grows in diameter 2690 Each time that you ram at her; 2691How can your poor tool stay so slim, Rick?" 2692% 2693The woman who lives on the moon 2694Is still cherishing the balloon 2695 Of an earthling who'd come 2696 And given her some, 2697But had dribbled away all too soon. 2698% 2699The work of Mess Sergeant Potgieter 2700Is not merely reading a meter. 2701 By orders of Kirk 2702 A part of his work 2703Is dosing the food with saltpeter. 2704% 2705The world is so full of a number of things, 2706I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings. 2707 I'll tell you a story-- 2708 It won't take me long-- 2709Of a brother and sister whose tale is my song. 2710 2711There was an old fellow and what do you think? 2712He lived on the cheese that he scraped from his dink. 2713 He whacked it, he hacked it, 2714 He ate it with glee- 2715Was there ever a fellow so happy as he? 2716 2717This charming old chap had a sister as well : 2718She was ugly and gaunt, with a horrible smell. 2719 Her cunt was so dirty 2720 It stank like a beast, 2721And the odor killed flies as they gathered to feast. 2722 2723What a wonderful family! What marvellous style! 2724I'll bet you and I aren't close by a mile. 2725 Their odor and diet 2726 Won't soon be forgotten, 2727And one day you and I may be equally rotten. 2728% 2729There a young man from the Coast 2730Who had an affair with a ghost. 2731 At the height of orgasm 2732 Said the pallid phantasm, 2733"I think I can feel it -- almost!" 2734% 2735There are some things we mustn't expose, 2736So we hide them away in our clothes. 2737 Oh, it's shocking to stare 2738 At what's certainly there-- 2739But why this is so, heaven knows. 2740% 2741There is a young faggot named Mose 2742Who insists that you fuck his long nose. 2743 And you'll double the joy 2744 Of this lecherous boy 2745If you'll tickle his balls with your toes. 2746% 2747There is a young lady named Aird, 2748Whose bottom is always kept bared. 2749 When asked why she pouts, 2750 She says "The Boy Scouts, 2751All beg me to please Be Prepared!" 2752% 2753There once was a Duchess of Beever 2754Who slept with her golden retriever. 2755 Said the potted old Duke : 2756 "Such tricks make me puke! 2757Were it not for her money, I'd leave her." 2758% 2759There once was a Duchess of Bruges 2760Whose cunt was incredibly huge. 2761 Said the king to this dame 2762 As he thunderously came: 2763"Mon Dieu! Apres moi, le deluge!" 2764% 2765There once was a Scot named McAmeter 2766With a tool of prodigious diameter. 2767 It was not the size 2768 That cause such surprise; 2769'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter. 2770% 2771There once was a Swede in Minneapolis, 2772Discovered his sex life was hapless: 2773 The more he would screw 2774 The more he'd want to, 2775And he feared he would soon be quite sapless. 2776% 2777There once was a Usenetter named Mark, 2778Whose gender was kept in the dark. 2779 He/she/it said with a nod, 2780 "My ancestors were odd!" 2781Did Noah need two for the ark? 2782% 2783There once was a bishop from Birmingham 2784Who deflowered young girls while confirming 'em. 2785 As they knelt on the hassock 2786 He lifted his cassock 2787And slipped his episcopal worm in 'em. 2788% 2789There once was a boy named Carruthers 2790Who was busily fucking his mother 2791 "I know it's a sin," 2792 He said, shoving it in, 2793"But it's better than blowing my brother." 2794% 2795There once was a chick named Longet, 2796Who went out to Aspen to play. 2797 Along came a Spyder, 2798 Who sat down beside her 2799And she blew the poor bastard away. 2800% 2801There once was a clergyman's daughter 2802Who detested the pony he bought her, 2803 Till she found that its dong 2804 Was as hard and as long 2805As the prayers her father had taught her. 2806 2807She married a fellow named Tony 2808Who soon found her fucking the pony. 2809 Said he, "What's it got, 2810 My dear, that I've not?" 2811Sighed she, "Just a yard-long bologna." 2812% 2813There once was a couple named Kelley, 2814Who lived their life belly to belly. 2815 Because in their haste 2816 They used Library Paste, 2817Instead of Petroleum Jelly. 2818% 2819There once was a couple named Kelley, 2820Who lived their life belly to belly. 2821 Because in their haste 2822 They used library paste, 2823Instead of petroleum jelly. 2824% 2825There once was a couple named Kelly 2826Who walked around belly-to-belly. 2827 It seems in their haste, 2828 They used Carter's paste 2829Instead of petroleum jelly. 2830% 2831There once was a dentist named Stone 2832Who saw all his patients alone. 2833 In a fit of depravity 2834 He filled the wrong cavity, 2835And my, how his practice has grown! 2836% 2837There once was a fairy named Avers 2838Who encircled his cock with lifesavers. 2839 Though buggers all claimed 2840 That their asses were maimed, 2841Sixy-niners all cheered the new flavors. 2842% 2843There once was a feisty young terrier 2844Who liked to bite girls on the derriere. 2845 He'd yip and he'd yap, 2846 Then leap up and snap; 2847And the fairer the derriere the merrier. 2848% 2849There once was a fellow named Bob 2850Who in sexual ways was a snob. 2851 One day he was swimmin' 2852 With twelve naked women 2853And deserted them all for a gob. 2854% 2855There once was a fellow named Brewster 2856Who said to his wife, as he goosed her, 2857 "It used to be grand 2858 But look at my hand 2859You're not wiping as clean as ya uster." 2860% 2861There once was a fellow named Howard, 2862Whose tool it was nuclear-powered, 2863 While grabbing some ass, 2864 He reached critical mass, 2865But think of the girl he deflowered! 2866% 2867There once was a fellow named Potts 2868Who was prone to having the trots 2869 But his humble abode 2870 Was without a commode 2871So his carpet was covered with spots. 2872% 2873There once was a fellow named Siegel 2874Who attempted to bugger a beagle, 2875 But the mettlesome bitch 2876 Turned and said with a twitch, 2877"It's fun, but you know it's illegal." 2878% 2879There once was a fellow named Sweeney 2880Who spilled gin all over his weenie. 2881 Not being uncouth, 2882 He added vermouth 2883And slipped his amour a martini. 2884% 2885There once was a fencer named Fisk, 2886Whose speed was incredibly brisk. 2887 So fast was his action, 2888 The Fitzgerald contraction, 2889Foreshortended his foil to a disk. 2890% 2891There once was a fiesty young terrier 2892Who liked to bite girls on the derriere. 2893 He'd yip and he'd yap, 2894 Then leap up and snap; 2895And the fairer the derriere the merrier. 2896% 2897There once was a floozie named Annie 2898Whose prices were cosy--but cannie: 2899 A buck for a fuck, 2900 Fifty cents for a suck, 2901And a dime for a feel of her fanny. 2902% 2903There once was a freshman named Lin, 2904Whose tool was as thin as a pin, 2905 A virgin named Joan 2906 From a bible belt home, 2907Said "This won't be much of a sin." 2908% 2909There once was a gangster named Brown 2910- the sneakiest bastard in town. 2911 He was caught by G-men 2912 Shooting his semen 2913Where the cops would slip and fall down. 2914% 2915There once was a gaucho named Bruno, 2916Who said, "About sex, well, I do know, 2917 Sheep are just fine, 2918 Chickens, divine, 2919But iguanas are Numero Uno." 2920% 2921There once was a gay young Parisian 2922Who screwed an appendix incision, 2923 And the girl of his choice 2924 Could hardly rejoice 2925At the horrible lack of precision. 2926% 2927There once was a girl from Cornell 2928Whose teats were shaped like a bell. 2929 When you touched them they shrunk, 2930 Except when she was drunk, 2931And then they got bigger than hell. 2932% 2933There once was a girl from Decatur, 2934Who got laid by a big alligator. 2935 Now nobody knew 2936 The result of that screw, 2937'Cause after he laid her, he ate her. 2938% 2939There once was a girl from Madras 2940Who had such a beautiful ass - 2941 It was not round and pink 2942 (As you bastards think) 2943But had two ears, a tail, and ate grass. 2944% 2945There once was a girl from Spokane, 2946Went to bed with a one-legged man. 2947 She said, "I know you-- 2948 You've really got two! 2949Why didn't you say so when we began?" 2950% 2951There once was a girl named Irene 2952Who lived on distilled kerosene 2953 But she started absorbin' 2954 A new hydrocarbon 2955And since then has never benzene. 2956% 2957There once was a girl named Louise 2958Who cunt hair hung down to her knees 2959 The crabs in her twat 2960 Tied the hairs in a knot 2961And constructed a flying trapeze 2962% 2963There once was a girl named Mcgoffin 2964Who was diddled amazingly often. 2965 She was rogered by scores 2966 Who'd been turned down by whores, 2967And was finally screwed in her coffin. 2968% 2969There once was a girl named Priscilla 2970Whose vagina was flavored vanilla. 2971 The taste was so fine 2972 Man and beast stood in line 2973(Including a stud armadilla). 2974% 2975There once was a girl so lovely, 2976Who wanted to make love in the bubbly, 2977 She strapped on her tanks, 2978 And started her pranks, 2979But the lobsters all thought she was ugly. 2980% 2981There once was a golfer named Leer, 2982Who got put in the clink for a year, 2983 For an action obscene, 2984 On the very first green. 2985Where the sign said "Enter course here." 2986% 2987There once was a gouty old colonel 2988Who grew glum when the weather grew vernal, 2989 And he cried in his tiffin 2990 For his prick wouldn't stiffen, 2991And the size of the thing was infernal. 2992% 2993There once was a guardsman from Buckingham 2994Who said, "As for girls, I hate fucking 'em. 2995 But when I meet boys, 2996 God! how I enjoys 2997Just licking their peckers and sucking 'em." 2998% 2999There once was a hacker named Ken 3000Who inherited truckloads of Yen. 3001 So he built him some chicks, 3002 Of silicon chips, 3003And hasn't been heard from since then. 3004% 3005There once was a handsome young seaman 3006Who with ladies was really a demon. 3007 In peace or in war, 3008 At sea or on shore, 3009He could certainly dish out the semen. 3010% 3011There once was a horny old bitch 3012With a motorized self-frigger which 3013 She would use with delight 3014 All day long and all night - 3015Twenty bucks: Abercrombie & Fitch. 3016% 3017There once was a horse named Lily 3018Whose dingus was really a dilly. 3019 It was vaginoid duply, 3020 And labial quadruply -- 3021In fact, he was really a filly. 3022% 3023There once was a husky young Viking 3024Whose sexual prowess was striking. 3025 Every time he got hot 3026 He would scour the twat 3027Of some girl that might be to his liking. 3028% 3029There once was a jolly old bloke 3030Who picked up a girl for a poke. 3031 He took down her pants, 3032 Fucked her into a trance, 3033And then shit into her shoe for a joke. 3034% 3035There once was a kiddie named Carr 3036Caught a man on top of his mar. 3037 As he saw him stick 'er, 3038 He said with a snicker, 3039"You do it much faster than par." 3040% 3041There once was a lady from Exeter, 3042So pretty that men craned their necks at her. 3043 One was even so brave 3044 As to take out and wave 3045The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. 3046% 3047There once was a lady from Kansas 3048Whose cunt was as big as Bonanzas. 3049 It was nine inches deep 3050 And the sides were quite steep -- 3051It had whiskers like General Carranza's. 3052% 3053There once was a lady named Carter, 3054Fell in love with a virile young Tartar. 3055 She stripped off his pants, 3056 At his prick quickly glanced, 3057And cried: "For that I'll be a martyr!" 3058% 3059There once was a lady named Clair, 3060Who posessed a magnificent pair. 3061 Or that's what I thought, 3062 Till I saw one get caught, 3063On a thorn and begin losing air. 3064% 3065There once was a lady named Myrtle 3066Who had an affair with a turtle. 3067 She had crabs, so they say, 3068 In a year and a day 3069Which proved that that turtle was fertile. 3070% 3071There once was a lawyer named Rex 3072With minuscule organs of sex. 3073 Arraigned for exposure, 3074 He maintained with composure, 3075"De minimis non curat lex." 3076 3077 [Trans: the law does not concern itself with small things. Ed.] 3078% 3079There once was a lifeguard named Lee 3080Who rescued a girl from the sea 3081 She asked how to pay, 3082 And he said "Try this way, 3083Go down for the third time on me." 3084% 3085There once was a maid from Mobile 3086Whose cunt was made of blue steel. 3087 She only got thrills 3088 From pneumatic drills 3089And an off-centered emery wheel. 3090% 3091There once was a man from Bombay 3092He would do it all night and all day 3093 He soon became sore 3094 You shoulda' heard him roar 3095When his wife rubbed his balls with Ben-Gay! 3096% 3097There once was a man from Calcutta 3098Who used to beat off in the gutta 3099 The heat of the sun 3100 Affected his gun 3101And turned all his cream into butta! 3102% 3103There once was a man from Dunoon, 3104Who always ate soup with a fork. 3105 He said "When I eat 3106 Either fish, foul or flesh, 3107I otherwise finish too quick." 3108% 3109There once was a man from Exameter 3110Who had a prodigious diameter 3111 But it wasn't the size 3112 That brought forth the cries 3113'Twas his rythm, iambic pentameter. 3114% 3115There once was a man from Madras, 3116Whose balls were made out of brass. 3117 When they clanged together, 3118 They played "Stormy Weather", 3119And lightning shot out of his ass. 3120% 3121There once was a man from Nantee 3122Who buggered an ape in a tree. 3123 The results were most horrid 3124 All ass and no forehead 3125Three balls and a purple goatee. 3126% 3127There once was a man from Nantucket 3128Who kept all his cash in a bucket. 3129 His daughter, named Nan, 3130 Ran away with a man, 3131And as for the bucket, Nantucket. 3132 3133The pair of them went to Manhasset, 3134(Nan and the man with the asset.) 3135 Pa followed them there, 3136 But they left in a tear, 3137And as for the asset, Manhasset. 3138 3139Pa followed the pair to Pawtucket, 3140(Nan and the man with the bucket.) 3141 Pa said to the man, 3142 "You're welcome to Nan." 3143But as for the bucket, Pawtucket. 3144% 3145There once was a man from Nantucket 3146Whose dick was so long he could suck it. 3147 He said with a grin 3148 As he wiped off his chin, 3149"If my ear was a cunt, I could fuck it!" 3150% 3151There once was a man from Racine, 3152Who invented a screwing machine. 3153 Both concave and convex, 3154 It could please either sex, 3155But, oh, what a bastard to clean! 3156% 3157There once was a man from Sandem 3158Who was making his girl on a tandem. 3159 At the peak of the make 3160 She jammed on the brake 3161And scattered his semen at random. 3162% 3163There once was a man from Sydney 3164Who could put it up to her kidney. 3165 But the man from Quebec 3166 Put it up to her neck; 3167He had a big one, now didn't he? 3168% 3169There once was a man named Eugene 3170Who invented a screwing machine 3171 Concave and convex 3172 It served either sex 3173And it played with itself in between. 3174% 3175There once was a man named Lodge, 3176who had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. 3177 When his date was strapped in, 3178 He committed a sin, 3179without ever leaving the garage. 3180% 3181There once was a man named McGruder, 3182Who canoed with a girl in Bermuder. 3183 But the girl thought it crude, 3184 To be wooed in the nude, 3185So McGru took an oar and subduder. 3186% 3187There once was a man named McSweeny 3188Who spilled some raw gin on his weeny. 3189 Just to be couth, 3190 He added vermouth, 3191And slipped his girlfriend a martini. 3192% 3193There once was a man named Parridge 3194With peculiar views on marriage. 3195 He sucked off his brother, 3196 Fucked his own mother, 3197And gobbled his sister's miscarriage. 3198% 3199There once was a man with a hernia 3200Who said to his doctor, "Gol dern ya, 3201 When you work on my middle 3202 Be sure you don't fiddle 3203With things that do not concern ya." 3204% 3205There once was a member of Mensa 3206Who was a most excellent fencer. 3207 The sword that he used 3208 Was his -- (line is refused, 3209And has now been removed by the censor). 3210% 3211There once was a miner named Dave, 3212Who kept a dead whore in his cave. 3213 She was ugly as shit, 3214 And missing one tit, 3215But think of the money he saves. 3216% 3217There once was a monk of Camyre 3218Who was seized with a carnal desire 3219 And the primary cause 3220 Was the abbess's drawers 3221Which were hung up to dry by the fire. 3222% 3223There once was a newspaper vendor, 3224A person of dubious gender. 3225 He would charge one-and-two 3226 For permission to view 3227His remarkable double pudenda. 3228% 3229There once was a plumber from Leigh, 3230Who was plumbing his maid by the sea, 3231 Said she, "Please stop plumbing, 3232 I think someone's coming!" 3233Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me." 3234% 3235There once was a pretty young Mrs. 3236Whose tearful but short story thrs. 3237 Her mind lost its grasp - 3238 Now she thinks she's an asp 3239And just sits in the corner and hrs. 3240% 3241There once was a queen of Bulgaria 3242Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, 3243 Till a prince from Peru 3244 Who came up for a screw 3245Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier. 3246% 3247There once was a reverend at Kings 3248Whose mind 'twas on heavenly things. 3249 But his heart was on fire 3250 For a boy in the choir 3251Whose buns were like jelly on springs. 3252% 3253There once was a sad Maitre d'hotel 3254Who said, "They can all go to hell! 3255 What they do to my wife -- 3256 Why it ruins my life; 3257And the worst is they all do it well." 3258% 3259There once was a sailor named Gasted, 3260A swell guy, as long as he lasted, 3261 He could jerk himself off 3262 In a basket, aloft, 3263Or a breeches-buoy swung from the masthead. 3264% 3265There once was a son-of-a-bitch, 3266Neither clever, nor handsome, nor rich, 3267 Yet the girls he would dazzle, 3268 And fuck to a frazzle, 3269And then ditch them, the son-of-a-bitch! 3270% 3271There once was a spaceman named Spock 3272Who had a huge Vulcanized cock. 3273 A girl from Missouri 3274 Whose name was Uhura 3275Just fainted away from the shock. 3276% 3277There once was a whore from Regina 3278Who had a stupendous vagina. 3279 To save herself time, 3280 She had six at a time, 3281And another one working behind her. 3282% 3283There once was a woman from Arden 3284Who sucked off a man in a garden. 3285 He said, "My dear Flo, 3286 Where does all that stuff go?" 3287And she said, "[Swallow hard] I beg pardon?" 3288% 3289There once was a yokel of Beaconsfield 3290Engaged to look after the deacon's field, 3291 But he lurked in the ditches 3292 And diddled the bitches 3293Who happened to cross that antique 'un's field. 3294% 3295There once was a young fellow named Blaine, 3296And he screwed some disgusting old jane. 3297 She was ugly and smelly, 3298 With an awful pot-belly, 3299But... well, they were caught in the rain. 3300% 3301There once was a young girl from Natches 3302Who chanced to be born with two snatches 3303 She often said, "Shit! 3304 I'd give either tit 3305For a guy with equipment that matches." 3306% 3307There once was a young man from Boston 3308Who drove around town in an Austin, 3309 There was room for his ass, 3310 And a gallon of gas, 3311So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em. 3312% 3313There once was a young man from France 3314Who waited ten years for his chance; 3315Then he muffed it... 3316% 3317There once was a young man from Yuma 3318Who attempted sex with a puma 3319 He gave up real quick 3320 Minus nose, toes, and prick 3321In obvious pain and ill huma. 3322% 3323There once was a young man from Yuma, 3324Who told an elephant joke to a puma. 3325 Now his dry bleached bones lie, 3326 Under hot Asian skies, 3327'Cause the puma had no sense of huma. 3328% 3329There once was a young man named Clyde 3330Who fell in an outhouse, and died. 3331 He had a twin brother 3332 Who fell in another 3333And now they're interred side by side. 3334% 3335There once was a young man named Gene, 3336Who invented a screwing machine. 3337 Concave and convex, 3338 It served either sex, 3339And it played with itself inbetween. 3340% 3341There once was a young man named Lancelot 3342Whom the townsfolk would look at askance a lot 3343 For when he should pass 3344 A desirable lass 3345The front of his pants would advance a lot. 3346% 3347There once was an Arpanet freak, 3348Who better response-time did seek. 3349 He searched coast to coast, 3350 For a reliable host, 3351Whose logger took less than a week. 3352% 3353There once was an old man from Esser, 3354Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser. 3355 It at last grew so small, 3356 He knew nothing at all, 3357And now he's a College Professor. 3358% 3359There once were two brothers named Luntz 3360Who buggered each other at once. 3361 When asked to account 3362 For this intricate mount, 3363They said, "Ass-holes are tighter than cunts." 3364% 3365There once were two women from Birmingham. 3366And this is the story concerning 'em. 3367 They lifted the frock 3368 And fondled the cock 3369Of the bishop as he was confirming 'em. 3370% 3371There was a bluestocking in Florence 3372Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents, 3373 Till a Spanish grandee, 3374 Got her off with his knee, 3375And she burned all her works with abhorrence. 3376% 3377There was a family named Doe, 3378An ideal family to know. 3379 As father screwed mother, 3380 She said, "You're heavier than brother." 3381And he said, "Yes, Sis told me so!" 3382% 3383There was a fat lady of China 3384Who'd a really enormous vagina, 3385 And when she was dead 3386 They painted it red, 3387And used it for docking a liner. 3388% 3389There was a fat man from Rangoon 3390Whose prick was much like a ballon. 3391 He tried hard to ride her 3392 And when finally inside her 3393She thought she was pregnant too soon. 3394% 3395There was a gay countess of Bray, 3396And you may think it odd when I say, 3397 That in spite of high station, 3398 Rank and education, 3399She always spelled cunt with a 'k'. 3400% 3401There was a gay dog from Ontario 3402Who fancied himself a Lothario. 3403 At a wench's glance 3404 He'd snatch off his pants 3405And make for her Mons Venerio. 3406% 3407There was a gay parson of Norton 3408Whose prick, although thick, was a short 'un. 3409 To make up for this loss, 3410 He had balls like a horse, 3411And never spent less than a quartern. 3412% 3413There was a gay parson of Tooting 3414Whose roe he was frequently shooting, 3415 Till he married a lass 3416 With a face like my arse, 3417And a cunt you could put a top-boot in. 3418% 3419There was a girl from Aberystwyth 3420Who brought grain to the mill to get grist with. 3421 The miller's son Jack 3422 Laid her flat on her back 3423And united the organs they pissed with. 3424% 3425There was a lewd fellow named Duff 3426Who loved to dive deep in the muff. 3427 With his head in a whirl 3428 He said, "Spread it, Pearl; 3429I cunt get enough of the stuff!" 3430% 3431There was a man from Mich. 3432Who used to wish and wich. 3433 That spring would come 3434 So he could bum 3435Around and go out fich. 3436% 3437There was a pianist named Liszt 3438Who played with one hand while he pissed, 3439 But as he grew older 3440 His technique grew bolder, 3441And in concert jacked off with his fist. 3442% 3443There was a poor parson from Goring, 3444Who made a small hole in his flooring, 3445 Fur-lined it all round, 3446 Then laid on the ground, 3447And declared it was cheaper than whoring. 3448% 3449There was a strong man of Drumrig 3450Who one day did seven times frig. 3451 He buggered three sailors, 3452 Four dogs and two tailors, 3453And ended by fucking a pig. 3454% 3455There was a teenager named Donna 3456Who never said, "No, I don't wanna." 3457 Two days out of three 3458 She would shoot LSD, 3459And on weekends she smoked marijuana. 3460% 3461There was a young German named Ringer 3462Who was screwing an opera singer. 3463 Said he with a grin, 3464 "Well, I've sure got it in!" 3465Said she, "You mean that ain't your finger?" 3466% 3467There was a young Jew of Far Rockaway 3468Whose screams could be heard for a block away. 3469 Perceiving his error, 3470 The Rabbi in terror 3471Cried, "God! I have cut his whole cock away!" 3472% 3473There was a young Scot in Madrid 3474Who got fifty-five fucks for a quid. 3475 When they said, "Are you faint?" 3476 He replied, "No, I ain't, 3477But I don't feel as good as I did." 3478% 3479There was a young belle of old Natchez 3480Whose garments were always in patchez. 3481 When comment arose 3482 On the state of her clothes 3483She, drawled, "When ah itchez, ah scratchez." 3484% 3485There was a young blade from South Greece 3486Whose bush did so greatly increase 3487 That before he could shack 3488 He must hunt needle in stack. 3489'Twas as bad as being obese. 3490% 3491There was a young bride of Antigua 3492Whose husband said, "Dear me, how big you are!" 3493 Said the girl, "What damn'd rot! 3494 Why, you've only felt my twot, 3495My legs and my arse and my figua!" 3496% 3497There was a young bride, a Canuck, 3498Told her husband, "Let's do more than suck. 3499 You say that I, maybe, 3500 Can have my first baby-- 3501Let's give up this Frenchin' and fuck!" 3502% 3503There was a young chap in Arabia 3504Who courted a widow named Fabia. 3505 "Yes, my tongue is as long 3506 As the average man's dong," 3507He said, licking the lips of her labia. 3508% 3509There was a young cook with the art 3510Of making a delicious tart 3511 With a handful of shit, 3512 Some snot and some spit, 3513And he'd flavor the whole with a fart. 3514% 3515There was a young curate whose brain 3516Was deranged from the use of cocaine; 3517 He lured a small child 3518 To a copse dark and wild, 3519Where he beat it to death with his cane. 3520 -- Edward Gorey 3521% 3522There was a young damsel named Baker 3523Who was poked in a pew by a Quaker. 3524 He yelled, "My God! what 3525 Do you call this -- a twat? 3526Why, the entrance is more than an acre!" 3527% 3528There was a young dolly named Molly 3529Who thought that to frig was a folly. 3530 Said she, "Your pee-pee 3531 Means nothing to me, 3532But I'll do it just to be jolly." 3533% 3534There was a young fellow called Clyde 3535Who fell in an outhouse and died. 3536 He had a twin brother 3537 Who fell in another 3538So now they're interred side by side. 3539% 3540There was a young fellow from Cal., 3541In bed with a passionate gal. 3542 He leapt from the bed, 3543 To the toilet he sped; 3544Said the gal, "What about me, old pal?" 3545% 3546There was a young fellow from Florida 3547Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her. 3548 When they got into bed 3549 He cried, "God strike me dead! 3550This ain't a cunt -- it's a corridor!" 3551% 3552There was a young fellow from Kent 3553Whose cock was so long that it bent 3554 To save himself trouble 3555 He put it in double 3556And instead of coming, he went. 3557% 3558There was a young fellow from Leeds 3559Who swallowed a package of seeds. 3560 Great tufts of grass 3561 Sprouted out of his ass 3562And his balls were all covered with weeds. 3563% 3564There was a young fellow from Parma 3565Who was solemnly screwing his charmer. 3566 Said the damsel demure, 3567 "You'll excuse me, I'm sure, 3568But I must say you fuck like a farmer." 3569% 3570There was a young fellow name Tucker 3571Who, instructing a novice cock-sucker, 3572 Said, "Don't bow out your lips 3573 Like an elephant's hips, 3574The boys like it best when they pucker." 3575% 3576There was a young fellow named Ades 3577Whose favorite fruit was young maids. 3578 But sheep, nigger boys, whores, 3579 And the knot holes in doors 3580Were by no means exempt from his raids. 3581% 3582There was a young fellow named Babbitt 3583Who could screw nine times like a rabbit, 3584 But a girl from Johore 3585 Could do it twice more, 3586Which was just enough extra to crab it. 3587% 3588There was a young fellow named Bill, 3589Who took an atomic pill, 3590 His navel corroded, 3591 His asshole exploded, 3592And they found his nuts in Brazil. 3593% 3594There was a young fellow named Blaine, 3595And he screwed some disgusting old jane. 3596 She was ugly and smelly 3597 With an awful pot-belly, 3598But... well, they were caught in the rain. 3599% 3600There was a young fellow named Bliss 3601Whose sex life was strangely amiss, 3602 For even with Venus 3603 His recalcitrant penis 3604Would never do better than t 3605 h 3606 i 3607 s 3608 . 3609% 3610There was a young fellow named Bowen 3611Whose pecker kept growin' and growin'. 3612 It grew so tremendous, 3613 So long and so pendulous, 3614'Twas no good for fuckin' -- just showin'. 3615% 3616There was a young fellow named Brewer 3617Whose girl made her home in a sewer. 3618 Thus he, the poor soul, 3619 Could get into her hole, 3620And still not be able to screw her! 3621% 3622There was a young fellow named Case 3623Who entered a cunt-lapping race. 3624 He licked his way clean 3625 Through Number thirteen, 3626But then slipped and got pissed in the face. 3627% 3628There was a young fellow named Charteris 3629Put his hand where his young lady's garter is. 3630 Said she, "I don't mind, 3631 And higher up you'll find 3632The place where my fucker and farter is." 3633% 3634There was a young fellow named Cribbs 3635Whose cock was so big it had ribs. 3636 They were inches apart, 3637 And to suck it took art, 3638While to fuck it took forty-two trips. 3639% 3640There was a young fellow named Feeney 3641Whose girl was a terrible meany. 3642 The hatch of her snatch 3643 Had a catch that would latch 3644- She could only be screwed by Houdini. 3645% 3646There was a young fellow named Fletcher, 3647Was reputed an infamous lecher. 3648 When he'd take on a whore 3649 She'd need a rebore, 3650And they'd carry him out on a stretcher. 3651% 3652There was a young fellow named Fyfe 3653Whose marriage was ruined for life, 3654 For he had an aversion 3655 To every perversion, 3656And only liked fucking his wife. 3657 3658Well, one year the poor woman struck, 3659And she wept, and she cursed at her luck, 3660 And said, "Where have you gotten us 3661 With your goddamn monotonous 3662Fuck after fuck after fuck? 3663 3664"I once knew a harlot named Lou -- 3665And a versatile girl she was, too. 3666 After ten years of whoredom 3667 She perished of boredom 3668When she married a jackass like you!" 3669% 3670There was a young fellow named Gene 3671Who first picked his asshole quite clean. 3672 He next picked his toes, 3673 And lastly his nose, 3674And he never did wash in between. 3675% 3676There was a young fellow named Gluck 3677Who found himself shit out of luck. 3678 Though he petted and wooed, 3679 When he tried to get screwed 3680He found virgins just don't give a fuck. 3681% 3682There was a young fellow named Goody 3683Who claimed that he wouldn't, but would he? 3684 If he found himself nude 3685 With a gal in the mood 3686The question's not woody but could he? 3687% 3688There was a young fellow named Grant 3689Who was made like the sensitive plant. 3690 When they asked "Do you fuck?" 3691 He replied, "No such luck. 3692I would if I could, but I can't." 3693% 3694There was a young fellow named Grimes 3695Who fucked his girl seventeen times 3696 In the course of a week -- 3697 And this isn't to speak 3698Of assorted venereal crimes. 3699% 3700There was a young fellow named Harry, 3701Had a joint that was long, huge and scary. 3702 He grabbed him a virgin, 3703 Who, without any urgin', 3704Immediately spread like a fairy. 3705% 3706There was a young fellow named Hatch 3707Who was fond of the music of Bach. 3708 He said: "It's not fussy 3709 Like Brahms and Debussy; 3710Sit down, and I'll play you a snatch." 3711% 3712There was a young fellow named Kimble 3713Whose prick was exceedingly nimble, 3714 But fragile and slender, 3715 And dainty and tender, 3716So he kept it encased in a thimble. 3717% 3718There was a young fellow named Meek 3719Who invented a lingual technique. 3720 It drove women frantic, 3721 And made them romantic, 3722And wore all the hair off his cheek. 3723% 3724There was a young fellow named Morgan 3725Who possessed an unusual organ: 3726 The end of his dong, 3727 Which was nine inches long, 3728Was tipped with the head of a gorgon. 3729% 3730There was a young fellow named Paul 3731Who confessed, "I have only one ball. 3732 But the size of my prick 3733 Is God's dirtiest trick, 3734For my girls always ask, 'Is that all?'" 3735% 3736There was a young fellow named Pell 3737Who didn't like cunt very well. 3738 He would finger or fuck one, 3739 But never would suck one-- 3740He just couldn't get used to the smell. 3741% 3742There was a young fellow named Price 3743Who dabbled in all sorts of vice. 3744 He had virgins and boys 3745 And mechanical toys, 3746And on Mondays... he meddled with mice! 3747% 3748There was a young fellow named Prynne 3749Whose prick was so short and so thin, 3750 His wife found she needed 3751 A Fuckoscope -- she did -- 3752To see if he'd gotten it in. 3753% 3754There was a young fellow named Skinner 3755Who took a young lady to dinner 3756 At a quarter to nine, 3757 They sat down to dine, 3758At twenty to ten it was in her. 3759The dinner, not Skinner -- Skinner was in her before dinner. 3760 3761There was a young fellow named Tupper 3762Who took a young lady to supper. 3763 At a quarter to nine, 3764 They sat down to dine, 3765And at twenty to ten it was up her. 3766Not the supper -- not Tupper -- It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner! 3767% 3768There was a young fellow named Sweeney, 3769Whose girl was a terrible meanie, 3770 The hatch of her snatch, 3771 Had a catch that would latch, 3772She could only be screwed by Houdini. 3773% 3774There was a young fellow named dick 3775Who had a magnificent prick. 3776 It was shaped like a prism 3777 And shot so much gism 3778It made every cocksucker sick. 3779% 3780There was a young fellow of Burma 3781Whose betrothed had good reason to murmur. 3782 But now that he's married he's 3783 Been using cantharides 3784And the root of their love is much firmer. 3785% 3786There was a young fellow of Greenwich 3787Whose balls were all covered with spinach. 3788 He had such a tool 3789 It was wound on a spool, 3790And he reeled it out inich by inich. 3791 3792But this tale has an unhappy finich, 3793For due to the sand in the spinach 3794 His ballocks grew rough 3795 And wrecked his wife's muff, 3796And scratched up her thatch in the scrimmage. 3797% 3798There was a young fellow of Harrow 3799Whose john was the size of a marrow. 3800 He said to his tart, 3801 "How's this for a start? 3802My balls are outside in a barrow." 3803% 3804There was a young fellow of Kent 3805Whose prick was so long that it bent, 3806 So to save himself trouble 3807 He put it in double, 3808And instead of coming he went. 3809% 3810There was a young fellow of Mayence 3811Who fucked his own arse in defiance 3812 Not only of custom 3813 And morals, dad-bust him, 3814But of most of the known laws of science. 3815% 3816There was a young fellow of Perth 3817Whose balls were the finest on earth. 3818 They grew to such size 3819 That one won a prize, 3820And goodness knows what they were worth. 3821% 3822There was a young fellow of Strensall 3823Whose prick was as sharp as a pencil. 3824 On the night of his wedding 3825 It went through the bedding, 3826And shattered the chamber utensil. 3827% 3828There was a young fellow of Warwick 3829Who had reason for feeling euphoric, 3830 For he could by election 3831 Have triune erection: 3832Ionic, Corinthian, and Doric. 3833% 3834There was a young fellow whose dong 3835Was prodigiously massive and long. 3836 On each side of his whang 3837 Two testes did hang 3838That attracted a curious throng. 3839% 3840There was a young gaucho named Bruno 3841Who said, "Screwing is one thing I do know. 3842 A woman is fine, 3843 And a sheep is divine, 3844But a llama is Numero Uno." 3845% 3846There was a young gaucho named Bruno 3847Who said, "There is one thing I do know, 3848 Women are fine 3849 And children devine, 3850But the llama is numero uno." 3851% 3852There was a young girl from Annista 3853Who dated a lecherous mister. 3854 He fondled her titty, 3855 Got one finger shitty, 3856Then screwed up his courage and kissed 'er. 3857% 3858There was a young girl from Decatur 3859Who was raped by an alligator. 3860 But no one quite knew 3861 How she relished that screw, 3862For after he screwed her, he ate her. 3863% 3864There was a young girl from Dundee, 3865From her fanny there grew a plum tree. 3866 No one ate the nice fruit, 3867 To tell you the truth, 3868Because they knew it came from her tooty-toot-toot. 3869% 3870There was a young girl from East Lynn 3871Whose mother ( to save her from sin ) 3872 Had filled up her crack 3873 With hard-setting shellac, 3874But the boys picked it out with a pin. 3875% 3876There was a young girl from Hong Kong 3877Who said, "You are utterly wrong 3878 To say my vagina 3879 Is the largest in China 3880Just because of your mean little dong." 3881% 3882There was a young girl from Hong Kong 3883Whose cervical cap was a gong. 3884 She said with a yell, 3885 As a shot rang her bell, 3886"I'll give you a ding for a dong!" 3887% 3888There was a young girl from Medina 3889Who could completely control her vagina. 3890 She could twist it around 3891 Like the cunts that are found 3892In Japan, Manchukuo and China. 3893% 3894There was a young girl from New York 3895Who plugged up her cunt with a cork. 3896 A woodpecker or two 3897 Made the grade it is true, 3898But it totally baffled the stork. 3899 3900Till along came a man who presented 3901A tool that was strangely indented. 3902 With a dizzying twirl 3903 He punctured that girl, 3904And thus was the cork-screw invented. 3905% 3906There was a young girl from New York 3907Who plugged up her quim with a cork 3908 A woodpecker or two 3909 Made the grade, it is true, 3910But it totally baffled the stork. 3911% 3912There was a young girl from Peru, 3913Who had nothing whatever to do. 3914 So she sat on the stairs, 3915 And counted cunt hairs, 3916Four thousand, three hundred and two. 3917% 3918There was a young girl from Peru, 3919Who noticed her lovers were few; 3920 So she walked out her door 3921 With a fig leaf, no more, 3922And now she's in bed - with the flu. 3923% 3924There was a young girl from Samoa 3925Who pledged that no man would know her. 3926 One young fellow tried, 3927 But she wriggled aside, 3928And he spilled all his spermatozoa. 3929% 3930There was a young girl from Seattle, 3931Whose hobby was sucking off cattle. 3932 But a bull from the South 3933 Shot a wad in her mouth 3934That made both her ovaries rattle. 3935% 3936There was a young girl from Siam 3937Who said to her boyfriend Priam, 3938 "To seduce me, of course, 3939 You'll have to use force, 3940And thank goodness you're stronger than I am. 3941% 3942There was a young girl from St. Cyr 3943Whose reflex reactions were queer. 3944 Her escort said, "Mable, 3945 Get up off the table; 3946That money's to pay for the beer." 3947% 3948There was a young girl from St. Paul 3949Who went to a newspaper ball. 3950 Her dress caught on fire 3951 And burnt her entire 3952Front page and sport section and all. 3953% 3954There was a young girl from the Bronix 3955Who had a vagina of onyx. 3956 She had so much `tsoris' 3957 With her clitoris, 3958She traded it in for a Packard. 3959% 3960There was a young girl from the coast 3961Who, just when she needed it most, 3962 Lost her Kotex and bled 3963 All over the bed, 3964And the head and the beard of her host. 3965% 3966There was a young girl in Berlin 3967Who eked out a living through sin. 3968 She didn't mind fucking, 3969 But much preferred sucking, 3970And she'd wipe off the pricks on her chin. 3971% 3972There was a young girl in Berlin 3973Who was fucked by an elderly Finn. 3974 Though he diddled his best, 3975 And fucked her with zest, 3976She kept asking, "Hey, Pop, is it in?" 3977% 3978There was a young girl in Dakota 3979Had a letter from Ickes; he wrote her: 3980 "In addition to gas 3981 We are rationing ass, 3982And you've greatly exceeded your quota." 3983% 3984There was a young girl name McKnight 3985Who got drunk with her boy-friend one night. 3986 She came to in bed, 3987 With a split maidenhead-- 3988That's the last time she ever was tight. 3989% 3990There was a young girl named Ann Heuser 3991Who swore that no man could surprise her. 3992 But Pabst took a chance, 3993 Found a Schlitz in her pants, 3994And now she is sadder Budweiser. 3995% 3996There was a young girl named Heather 3997Whose twitcher was made out of leather. 3998 She made a queer noise, 3999 Which attracted the boys, 4000By flapping the edges together. 4001% 4002There was a young girl named McCall 4003Whose cunt was exceedingly small, 4004 But the size of her anus 4005 Was something quite heinous -- 4006It could hold seven pricks and one ball. 4007% 4008There was a young girl named O'Clare 4009Whose body was covered with hair. 4010 It was really quite fun 4011 To probe with one's gun, 4012For her quimmy might be anywhere. 4013% 4014There was a young girl named O'Malley 4015Who wanted to dance in the ballet. 4016 She got roars of applause 4017 When she kicked off her drawers, 4018But her hair and her bush didn't tally. 4019% 4020There was a young girl named Sapphire 4021Who succumbed to her lover's desire. 4022 She said, "It's a sin, 4023 But now that it's in, 4024Could you shove it a few inches higher?" 4025% 4026There was a young girl of Aberystwyth 4027Who screwed every man that she kissed with. 4028 She tickled the balls 4029 Of the men in the halls, 4030And pulled on the prongs that they pissed with. 4031% 4032There was a young girl of Aberystwyth 4033Who took grain to the mill to get grist with. 4034 The miller's sun, Jack, 4035 Laid her flat on her back, 4036And united the organs they pissed with. 4037% 4038There was a young girl of Angina 4039Who stretched catgut across her vagina. 4040 From the love-making frock 4041 (With the proper sized cock) 4042Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor. 4043% 4044There was a young girl of Angina 4045Who stretched catgut across her vagina. 4046 From the love-making frock 4047 (With the proper sized cock) 4048Came Toccata and Fugue in D minor. 4049% 4050There was a young girl of Asturias 4051With a penchant for practices curious. 4052 She loved to bat rocks 4053 With her gentlemen's cocks -- 4054A practice both rude and injurious. 4055% 4056There was a young girl of Batonger 4057who diddled herself with a conger, 4058 When asked how it feels 4059 To be pleasured by eels 4060She said, "Just like a man, only longer. 4061% 4062There was a young girl of Cah'lina, 4063Had a very capricious vagina: 4064 To the shock of the fucker 4065 "Twould suddenly pucker, 4066And whistle the chorus of "Dinah." 4067% 4068There was a young girl of Cape Cod 4069Who dreamt she'd been buggered by God. 4070 But it wasn't Jehovah 4071 That turned the girl over, 4072'Twas Roger the lodger, the dirty old codger, 4073 the bugger, the bastard, the sod! 4074% 4075There was a young girl of Cape Town 4076Who usually fucked with a clown. 4077 He taught her the trick 4078 Of sucking his prick, 4079And when it went up -- she went down. 4080% 4081There was a young girl of Coxsaxie 4082Whose skirt was more mini than maxi. 4083 She was fucked at the show 4084 In the twenty-third row, 4085And once more going home in the taxi. 4086% 4087There was a young girl of Darjeeling 4088Who could dance with such exquisite feeling 4089 There was never a sound 4090 For miles around 4091Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling. 4092% 4093There was a young girl of Des Moines 4094Whose cunt could be fitted with coins, 4095 Till a guy from Hoboken 4096 Went and dropped in a token, 4097And now she rides free on the ferry. 4098% 4099There was a young girl of Detroit 4100Who at fucking was very adroit: 4101 She could squeeze her vagina 4102 To a pin-point, or finer, 4103Or open it out like a quoit. 4104 4105And she had a friend named Durand 4106Whose cock could contract or expand. 4107 He could diddle a midge 4108 Or the arch of a bridge -- 4109Their performance together was grand! 4110% 4111There was a young girl of East Lynne 4112Whose mother, to save her from sin, 4113 Had filled up her crack, 4114 To the brim with shellac, 4115But the boys picked it out with a pin. 4116% 4117There was a young girl of Gibraltar 4118Who was raped as she knelt at the altar. 4119 It really seems odd 4120 That a virtuous God 4121Should answer her prayers and assault her. 4122% 4123There was a young girl of LLewellyn 4124Whose breasts were as big as a melon. 4125 They were big it is true, 4126 But her cunt was big too, 4127Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view 4128Of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan. 4129% 4130There was a young girl of Mobile, 4131Who hymen was made of chilled steel, 4132 To give her a thrill, 4133 Took a rotary drill, 4134Or a number nine emery wheel. 4135% 4136There was a young girl of Moline 4137Whose fucking was sweet and obscene. 4138 She would work on a prick 4139 With every known trick, 4140And finish by winking it clean. 4141% 4142There was a young girl of Newcastle 4143Whose charms were declared universal. 4144 While one man in front 4145 Wired into her cunt, 4146Another was engaged at her arsehole. 4147% 4148There was a young girl of Pawtucket 4149Whose box was as big as a bucket. 4150 Her boy-friend said, "Toots, 4151 I'll have to wear boots, 4152For I see I must muck it, not fuck it." 4153% 4154There was a young girl of Penzance 4155Who boarded a bus in a trance. 4156 The passengers fucked her, 4157 Likewise the conductor, 4158While the driver shot off in his pants. 4159% 4160There was a young girl of Pitlochry 4161Who was had by a man in a rockery. 4162 She said, "Oh! You've come 4163 All over my bum; 4164This isn't a fuck -- it's a mockery." 4165% 4166There was a young girl of Rangoon 4167Who was blocked by the Man in the Moon. 4168 "Well, it has been great fun," 4169 She remarked when he'd done, 4170"But I'm sorry you came quite so soon." 4171% 4172There was a young girl of Spitzbergen, 4173Whose people all thought her a virgin, 4174 Till they found her in bed 4175 With her twat very red, 4176And the head of a kid just emergin'. 4177% 4178There was a young girl who begat 4179Three babies named Nat, Pat and Tat. 4180 T'was fun in the breeding 4181 But hell in the feeding 4182When she found there's no tit for Tat. 4183% 4184There was a young girl who begat 4185Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat. 4186 It was fun in the breeding, 4187 But hell in the feeding, 4188When she found there was no tit for Tat. 4189% 4190There was a young girl, very sweet, 4191Who thought sailors' meat quite a treat. 4192 When she sat on their lap 4193 She unbuttoned their flap, 4194And always had plenty to eat. 4195% 4196There was a young harlot from Kew 4197Who filled her vagina with glue. 4198 She said with a grin, 4199 "If they pay to get in, 4200They'll pay to get out of it too." 4201% 4202There was a young harlot named Schwartz 4203Whose cock-pit was studded with warts, 4204 And they tickled so nice 4205 She drew a high price 4206From the studs at the summer resorts. 4207 4208Her pimp, a young fellow named Biddle, 4209Was seldom hard up for a diddle, 4210 For according to rumor 4211 His tool had a tumor 4212And a fine row of warts down the middle. 4213% 4214There was a young hayseed from Tiffan 4215Whose cock would constantly stiffen. 4216 The knob out in front 4217 Attracted foul cunt 4218Which he greatly delighted in sniffin'. 4219% 4220There was a young idler named Blood, 4221Made a fortune performing at stud, 4222 With a fifteen-inch peter, 4223 A double-beat metre, 4224And a load like the Biblical Flood. 4225% 4226There was a young lad from Nahant 4227Who was made like the Sensitve Plant. 4228 When asked, "Do you fuck?" 4229 He replied, "No such luck. 4230I would if I could but I can't." 4231% 4232There was a young lad from Siam, 4233Whose sexlife was caught in a jam. 4234 He loved them real small, 4235 'Cause they're funner to ball, 4236So he went out and bought him a lamb! 4237% 4238There was a young lad name of Durcan 4239Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. 4240 His father said, "Durcan! 4241 Stop jerkin' your gherkin! 4242Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'. 4243% 4244There was a young lad name of Ward 4245Who strung himself up with a cord 4246 Said he, of his work 4247 (Ere the rope snapped with a jerk) 4248"I am leaving because I am bored." 4249 - E.A. Guest 4250% 4251There was a young lad named McFee 4252Who was stung in the balls by a bee 4253 He made oodles of money 4254 By oozing pure honey 4255Every time he attempted to pee. 4256% 4257There was a young lady at sea 4258Who complained that it hurt her to pee. 4259 Said the brawny old mate, 4260 "That accounts for the state 4261Of the cook and the captain and me." 4262% 4263There was a young lady at sea 4264Who said, "God, how it hurts me to pee." 4265 "I see," said the mate, 4266 "That accounts for the state 4267Of the captain, the purser, and me." 4268% 4269There was a young lady called Ciss 4270Who went to the river to piss. 4271 A young man in a punt 4272 Put his hand on her cunt; 4273No wonder she thought it was bliss. 4274% 4275There was a young lady from Bangor 4276Who slept while the ship lay at anchor 4277 She woke in dismay 4278 When she heard the mate say: 4279"Let's lift up the topsheet and spanker!" 4280% 4281There was a young lady from Bright, 4282Whose speed was much faster than light. 4283 She went out one day 4284 In a relative way 4285And returned on the previous night. 4286% 4287There was a young lady from Bristol 4288Who went to the Palace called Crystal. 4289 Said she, "It's all glass, 4290 And as round as my ass," 4291And she farted as loud as a pistol. 4292% 4293There was a young lady from Brussels 4294Who was proud of her vaginal muscles. 4295 She could easily plex them 4296 And so interflex them 4297As to whistle love songs through her bustles. 4298% 4299There was a young lady from Drew 4300Who ended her verse at line two. 4301% 4302There was a young lady from Dumfries 4303Who said to her boyfriend, "It's some freeze! 4304 My navel's all bare, 4305 So stick it in there, 4306Before both my legs and my bum freeze." 4307% 4308There was a young lady from Exeter, 4309So pretty that men craned their necks at her. 4310 One was even so brave 4311 As to take out and wave 4312The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. 4313% 4314There was a young lady from Hyde 4315Who ate a green apple and died. 4316 While her lover lamented 4317 The apple fermented 4318And made cider inside her inside. 4319% 4320There was a young lady from Maine 4321Who claimed she had men on her brain. 4322 But you knew from the view, 4323 As her abdomen grew, 4324It was not on her brain that he'd lain. 4325% 4326There was a young lady from Munich 4327Who had an affair with a eunuch. 4328 At the height of their passion 4329 He dealt her a ration 4330From a squirt gun concealed in his tunic. 4331% 4332There was a young lady from Norway 4333Who hung by her heels in a doorway. 4334 She told her young man, 4335 "Get off the divan, 4336I think I've discovered one more way " 4337% 4338There was a young lady from Prentice 4339Who had an affair with a dentist. 4340 To make things easier 4341 He used anesthesia, 4342And diddled her, `non compos mentis'. 4343% 4344There was a young lady from Rheims 4345Who amazingly pissed in four streams. 4346 A friend poked around 4347 And a fly-button found 4348Lodged tight in her hole so it seems. 4349% 4350There was a young lady from Rio 4351Who slept with the Fornier trio. 4352 As she dropped her panties 4353 She said, "No andanties 4354I want this allegro con brio." 4355% 4356There was a young lady from Siam 4357Who said to her lover, one Kiam, 4358 "You may kiss me of course, 4359 But you'll have to use force. 4360Though god knows you're stronger than I am." 4361% 4362There was a young lady from Spain 4363Who demurely undressed on a train. 4364 A helpful young porter 4365 Helped more than he orter, 4366And she promptly cried "Help me again" 4367% 4368There was a young lady from Spain 4369Who got sick as she rode on a train; 4370 Not once, but again, 4371 And again, and again, 4372And again, and again, and again. 4373% 4374There was a young lady from Spain 4375Whose face was exceedingly plain, 4376 But her cunt had a pucker 4377 That made the men fuck her, 4378Again, and again, and again. 4379% 4380There was a young lady from Troy 4381Had a moustache, just like a young boy 4382 Though it tickled to kiss 4383 'Twas a source of much bliss 4384When she used it to brush a man's toy. 4385% 4386There was a young lady from Wheeling 4387Who claimed to lack sexual feeling. 4388 But a cynic named Boris 4389 Just touched her clitoris 4390And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. 4391% 4392There was a young lady from Wheeling 4393Who had a peculiar feeling. 4394 She laid on her back 4395 And tickled her crack 4396And pissed all over the ceiling. 4397% 4398There was a young lady from Wooster 4399Who complained that too many men gooster. 4400 So she traded her scanties 4401 For sandpaper panties, 4402Now they goose her much less than they used 'ter. 4403% 4404There was a young lady in Reno, 4405Who lost all her dough playing Keno. 4406 But she lay on her back, 4407 And opened her crack, 4408So now she owns the Casino! 4409% 4410There was a young lady named Alice 4411Who was known to have peed in a chalice. 4412 'Twas the common belief 4413 It was done for relief, 4414And not out of protestant malice. 4415% 4416There was a young lady named Astor 4417Who never let any get past her. 4418 She finally got plenty 4419 By stopping twenty, 4420Which certainly ought to last her. 4421% 4422There was a young lady named Banker, 4423Who slept while the ship lay at anchor, 4424 She woke in dismay, 4425 When she heard the mate say, 4426"Now hoist up the topsheet and spanker." 4427% 4428There was a young lady named Blount 4429Who had a rectangular cunt. 4430 She learned for diversion 4431 Posterior perversion, 4432Since no one could fit here in front. 4433% 4434There was a young lady named Bower 4435Who dwelt in an Ivory Tower. 4436 But a poet from Perth 4437 Laid her flat on the earth, 4438And proceeded with penis to plough her. 4439% 4440There was a young lady named Brent 4441With a cunt of enormous extent, 4442 And so deep and so wide, 4443 The acoustics inside 4444Were so good you could hear when you spent. 4445% 4446There was a young lady named Bright 4447Who could travel much faster than light. 4448 She took off one day, 4449 In a relative way, 4450And returned on the previous night. 4451% 4452There was a young lady named Brook 4453Who never could learn how to cook. 4454 But on a divan 4455 She could please any man- 4456She knew every darn trick in the book! 4457% 4458There was a young lady named Cager 4459Who, as the result of a wager, 4460 Consented to fart 4461 The entire oboe part 4462Of Mozart's quartet in F major. 4463% 4464There was a young lady named Ciss 4465Who said, "I think skating's a bliss " 4466 But she'll never restate, 4467 For a wheel off her skate 4468.siht ekil gnihtemos pu hsinif reh edaM 4469% 4470There was a young lady named Clair 4471Who possessed a magnificent pair; 4472 At least so I thought 4473 Till I saw one get caught 4474On a thorn, and begin losing air. 4475% 4476There was a young lady named Dot 4477Whose cunt was so terribly hot 4478 That ten bishops of Rome 4479 And the Pope's private gnome 4480Failed to quench her Vesuvial twat. 4481% 4482There was a young lady named Duff 4483With a lovely, luxuriant muff. 4484 In his haste to get in her 4485 One eager beginner 4486Lost both of his balls in the rough. 4487% 4488There was a young lady named Etta 4489Who was constantly seen in a swetta. 4490 Three reasons she had: 4491 To keep warm wasn't bad, 4492But the other two reasons were betta. 4493% 4494There was a young lady named Fleager 4495Who was terribly, terribly eager 4496 To be all the rage 4497 On the tragedy stage, 4498Though her talents were pitifully meagre. 4499 -- Edward Gorey 4500% 4501There was a young lady named Flo 4502Whose lover had pulled out too slow. 4503 So they tried it all night, 4504 Till he got it just right... 4505Well, practice makes pregnant, you know. 4506% 4507There was a young lady named Flynn 4508Who thought fornication a sin, 4509 But when she was tight 4510 It seemed quite all right, 4511So everyone filled her with gin. 4512% 4513There was a young lady named Gilda 4514Who went on a date with a builder. 4515 He said that he would, 4516 And he could and he should, 4517And he did and it damn well near killed her. 4518% 4519There was a young lady named Gloria 4520Who was had by Sir Gerald Du Maurier, 4521 And then by six men, 4522 Sir Gerald again, 4523And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. 4524% 4525There was a young lady named Gloria, 4526Whose boyfriend said, "May I explore ya?" 4527 She replied to the chap, 4528 "I'll draw you a map, 4529Of where others have been to before ya." 4530% 4531There was a young lady named Grace 4532Who would not take a prick in her "place." 4533 Though she'd kiss it and suck it, 4534 She never would fuck it-- 4535She just couldn't relax face-to-face. 4536% 4537There was a young lady named Hall, 4538Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. 4539 The dress caught on fire 4540 And burned her entire 4541Front page, sporting section, and all. 4542% 4543There was a young lady named Hatch 4544Who would always come through in a scratch. 4545 If a guy wouldn't neck her, 4546 She'd grab up his pecker 4547And shove the damn thing up her snatch. 4548% 4549There was a young lady named Mable 4550Who liked to sprawl out on the table, 4551 Then cry to her man, 4552 "Stuff in all you can -- 4553Get your ballocks in, too, if you're able." 4554% 4555There was a young lady named Mandel 4556Who caused quite a neighborhood scandal 4557 By coming out bare 4558 On the main village square 4559And frigging herself with a candle. 4560% 4561There was a young lady named Maud, 4562A terrible society fraud: 4563 In company, I'm told, 4564 She was distant and cold, 4565But if you got her alone, Oh God! 4566% 4567There was a young lady named May 4568Who strolled in a park by the way, 4569 And she met a youg man 4570 Who fucked her and ran -- 4571Now she goes to the park every day. 4572% 4573There was a young lady named Nance 4574Who learned about fucking in France, 4575 And when you'd insert it 4576 She'd squeeze till she hurt it, 4577And shoved it right back in your pants. 4578% 4579There was a young lady named Nelly 4580Whose tits would jiggle like jelly. 4581 They could tickle her twat 4582 Or be tied in a knot, 4583And could even swat flies on her belly. 4584% 4585There was a young lady named Ransom 4586Who was raped three times in a hansom 4587 When she cried out for more 4588 Said a voice from the floor, 4589"My name, ma'am, is Simpson, not Samson 4590% 4591There was a young lady named Ransom 4592Who was rogered three times in a hansom. 4593 When she cried out for more 4594 A voice from the floor 4595Replied, "My name is Simpson, not Samson." 4596% 4597There was a young lady named Riddle 4598Who had an untouchable middle. 4599 She had many friends 4600 Because of her ends, 4601Since it isn't the middle you diddle. 4602% 4603There was a young lady named Rose 4604Who fainted whenever she chose; 4605 She did so one day 4606 While playing croquet, 4607But was quickly revived with a hose. 4608 -- Edward Gorey 4609% 4610There was a young lady named Rose 4611With erogenous zones in her toes. 4612 She remained onanistic 4613 Till a foot-fetishistic 4614Young man became one of her beaux. 4615% 4616There was a young lady named Schneider 4617Who often kept trysts with a spider. 4618 She found a strange bliss, 4619 In the hiss of her piss, 4620As it strained through the cobwebs inside her. 4621% 4622There was a young lady named Smith 4623Whose virtue was largely a myth. 4624 She said, "Try as I can 4625 I can't find a man 4626Who it's fun to be virtuous with." 4627% 4628There was a young lady named Twiss 4629Who said she thought fucking a bliss, 4630 For it tickled her bum 4631 And caused her to come 4632.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW 4633% 4634There was a young lady named Wylde 4635Who kept herself quite undefiled 4636 By thinking of Jesus; 4637 Contagious diseases; 4638And the bother of having a child. 4639% 4640There was a young lady of Arden, 4641The tool of whose swain wouldn't harden. 4642 Said she with a frown, 4643 "I've been sadly let down 4644By the tool of a fool in a garden." 4645% 4646There was a young lady of Bicester 4647Who was nicer by far than her sister: 4648 The sister would giggle 4649 And wiggle and jiggle, 4650But this one would come if you kissed her. 4651% 4652There was a young lady of Brabant 4653Who slept with an impotent savant. 4654 She admitted, "We shouldn't, 4655 But it turned out he couldn't- 4656So you can't say we have when we haven't." 4657% 4658There was a young lady of Bude 4659Who walked down the street in the nude. 4660 A bobby said, "Whattum 4661 Magnificent bottom!" 4662And slapped it as hard as he could. 4663% 4664There was a young lady of Carmia 4665Whose housekeeping ways would alarm ya. 4666 At every cold snap 4667 She would climb in your lab, 4668So her little base burner could warm ya. 4669% 4670There was a young lady of Dee 4671Who went down to the river to pee. 4672 A man in a punt 4673 Put his hand on her cunt, 4674And God! how I wish it were me. 4675% 4676There was a young lady of Dee 4677Whose hymen was split into three. 4678 And when she was diddled 4679 The middle string fiddled : 4680"Nearer My God To Thee." 4681% 4682There was a young lady of Dexter 4683Whose husband exceedingly vexed her, 4684 For whenever they'd start 4685 He'd unfailingly fart 4686With a blast that damn nearly unsexed her. 4687% 4688There was a young lady of Dover 4689Whose passion was such that it drove her 4690 To cry, when you came, 4691 "Oh dear! What a shame! 4692Well, now we shall have to start over." 4693% 4694There was a young lady of Ealing 4695And her lover before her was kneeling. 4696 Said she, "Dearest Jim, 4697 Take your hands off my quim; 4698I much prefer fucking to feeling." 4699% 4700There was a young lady of Fez 4701Who was known to the public as "Jez." 4702 Jezebel was her name, 4703 Sucking cocks was the game 4704She excelled at (so everyone says). 4705% 4706There was a young lady of Gaza 4707Who shaved her cunt bare with a razor. 4708 The crabs, in a lump, 4709 Made tracks to her rump-- 4710This passing parade did amaze her. 4711% 4712There was a young lady of Gloucester 4713Whose friends they thought they had lost her 4714 Till they found on the grass 4715 The marks of her arse, 4716And the knees of the man who had crossed her. 4717% 4718There was a young lady of Gloucester, 4719Met a passionate fellow who tossed her. 4720 She wasn't much hurt, 4721 But he dirtied her skirt, 4722So think of the anguish it cost her. 4723% 4724There was a young lady of Kent, 4725Who admitted she knew what it meant 4726 When men asked her to dine, 4727 And plied her with wine, 4728She knew, oh she knew -- but she went! 4729% 4730There was a young lady of Lee 4731Who scrambled up into a tree, 4732 When she got there 4733 Her arsehole was bare, 4734And so was her C U N T. 4735% 4736There was a young lady of Lincoln 4737Who said that her cunt was a pink'un, 4738 So she had a prick lent her 4739 Which turned it magenta, 4740This artful old lady of Lincoln. 4741% 4742There was a young lady of Natchez 4743Who chanced to be born with two snatches, 4744 And she often said, "Shit! 4745 Why, I'd give either tit 4746For a man with equipment that matches." 4747 4748There was a young fellow named Locke 4749Who was born with a two-headed cock. 4750 When he'd fondle the thing 4751 It would rise up and sing 4752An antiphonal chorus by Bach. 4753 4754But whether these two ever met 4755Has not been recorded as yet, 4756 Still, it would be diverting 4757 To see him inserting 4758His whang while it sang a duet. 4759% 4760There was a young lady of Norway 4761Who hung by her toes in a doorway. 4762 She said to her beau 4763 "Just look at me, Joe, 4764I think I've discovered one more way." 4765% 4766There was a young lady of Rhyll 4767In an omnibus was taken ill, 4768 So she called the conductor, 4769 Who got in and fucked her, 4770Which did more good than a pill. 4771% 4772There was a young lady of Spain 4773Who took down her pants on a train. 4774 There was a young porter 4775 Saw more than he orter, 4776And asked her to do it again. 4777% 4778There was a young lady of Spain 4779Who was fucked by a monk in a drain. 4780 They did it again 4781 And again and again, 4782And again and again and again. 4783% 4784There was a young lady of Twickenham 4785Who thought men had not enough prick in 'em. 4786 On her knees every day 4787 To God she would pray 4788To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em. 4789% 4790There was a young lady of Wheeling 4791Said to her beau, "I've a feeling 4792 My little brown jug 4793 Has need of a plug" -- 4794And straightaway she started to peeling. 4795% 4796There was a young lady of Wheeling 4797Who professed to lack sexual feeling. 4798 But a cynic named Boris 4799 Just touched her clitoris, 4800And she had to be scraped off the ceiling. 4801% 4802There was a young lady of fashion 4803Who had oodles and oodles of passion. 4804 To her lover she said, 4805 As they climbed into bed, 4806"Here's one thing the bastards can't ration!" 4807% 4808There was a young lady who said, 4809As her bridegroom got into the bed, 4810 "I'm tired of this stunt, 4811 That they do with one's cunt, 4812You can get up my bottom instead." 4813% 4814There was a young lady whose cunt 4815Could accommodate a small punt. 4816 Her mother said, "Annie, 4817 It matches your fanny, 4818Which never was that of a runt." 4819% 4820There was a young lady whose thighs, 4821When spread showed a slit of such size, 4822 And so deep and so wide, 4823 You could play cards inside, 4824Much to her bridegroom's surprise. 4825% 4826There was a young lass from Surat. 4827The cheeks of her ass were so fat 4828 That they had to be parted 4829 Whenever she farted, 4830And also whenever she shat. 4831% 4832There was a young laundress named Wrangle 4833Whose tits tilted up at an angle. 4834 "They may tickle my chin," 4835 She said with a grin, 4836"But at least they keep out of the mangle." 4837% 4838There was a young maiden from Osset 4839Whose quim was nine inches across it. 4840 Said a young man named Tong, 4841 With tool nine inches long, 4842"I'll put bugger-in if I loss it." 4843% 4844There was a young man from Bear Ridge 4845Who had strange ideas about marriage. 4846 He fucked his wife's mother 4847 And sucked off her brother 4848And ate up her sister's miscarriage. 4849% 4850There was a young man from Bel-Air 4851Who was screwing his girl on the stair, 4852 But the banister broke, 4853 So he doubled his stroke, 4854And finished her off in mid-air. 4855% 4856There was a young man from Bel-Aire 4857Who was screwing his girl on the stair. 4858 But the banister broke 4859 So he doubled his stroke 4860And finished her off in mid-air. 4861% 4862There was a young man from Bengal 4863Who claimed he had only one ball, 4864 But two little bitches 4865 Pulled down this man's breeches 4866And proved he had nothing at all. 4867% 4868There was a young man from Biloxi 4869Whose bowels responded to Moxie. 4870 Drinking glass after glass, 4871 He would tune up his ass, 4872Till he played like the band at the Roxy. 4873% 4874There was a young man from Boston 4875Who rode around in an Austin. 4876 There was room for his ass 4877 And a gallon of gas, 4878But his balls hung out and he lost 'em. 4879% 4880There was a young man from Calcutta 4881Who was heard in his beard to mutter, 4882 "If her Bartholin glands 4883 Don't respond to my hands, 4884I'm afraid I shall have to use butter." 4885% 4886There was a young man from Dallas 4887Who had an exceptional phallus. 4888 He couldn't find room 4889 In any girl's womb 4890Without rubbing it first with Vitalis. 4891% 4892There was a young man from Dundee 4893Who buggered an ape in a tree. 4894 The results were quite horrid: 4895 All ass and no forehead, 4896Three balls and a purple goatee. 4897% 4898There was a young man from East Lizes 4899Whose balls were of two different sizes 4900 One was so small 4901 It was no ball at all 4902The other was large and won prizes. 4903% 4904There was a young man from East Wubley 4905Whose cock was bifurcated doubly. 4906 Each quadruplicate shaft 4907 Had two balls hanging aft, 4908And the general effect was quite lovely. 4909 4910There was a young man from Hong Kong 4911Who had a trifurcated prong: 4912 A small one for sucking, 4913 A large one for fucking, 4914And a `boney' for beating a gong. 4915% 4916There was a young man from Glengozzle 4917Who found a remarkable fossil. 4918 He knew by the bend 4919 And the wart on the end, 4920'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle. 4921% 4922There was a young man from Jodhpur 4923Who found he could easily cure 4924 His dread diabetes 4925 By eating a foetus 4926Served up in a sauce of manure. 4927% 4928There was a young man from Kent 4929Whose tool was so long that it bent. 4930 To save himself trouble 4931 He put it in double 4932And instead of coming, he went. 4933% 4934There was a young man from Lynn 4935Whose cock was the size of a pin. 4936 Said his girl with a laugh 4937 As she felt his staff, 4938"This won't be much of a sin." 4939% 4940There was a young man from Maine 4941Whose prick was as strong as a crane; 4942 It was almost as long, 4943 So he strolled with his dong 4944Extended in sunshine and rain. 4945% 4946There was a young man from Nantucket 4947Whose cock was so long he could suck it. 4948 But he looked in the glass, 4949 And saw his own ass, 4950And broke his neck trying to fuck it. 4951% 4952There was a young man from New Haven 4953Who had an affair with a raven. 4954 He said with a grin 4955 As he wiped off his chin, 4956"Nevermore!" 4957% 4958There was a young man from Peru, 4959Who took a long trip by canoe. 4960 While staring at Venus, 4961 And rubbing his penis, 4962He wound up with a handful of goo. 4963% 4964There was a young man from Purdue 4965Who was only just learning to screw, 4966 But he hadn't the knack, 4967 And he got too far back -- 4968In the right church, but in the wrong pew. 4969% 4970There was a young man from Racine 4971Who invented a fucking machine. 4972 Concave or convex, 4973 It served either sex, 4974But oh what a bitch to keep clean. 4975% 4976There was a young man from Rangoon 4977Who used to lament 'neath the moon 4978 That he had the luck 4979 To be born of a fuck 4980That was scraped off the sheets with a spoon. 4981% 4982There was a young man from Salinas 4983Who had an extremely long penis: 4984 Believe it or not, 4985 When he lay on his cot 4986It reached from Marin to Martinez. 4987% 4988There was a young man from Seattle 4989Whose testicles tended to rattle. 4990 He said as he fuck-ed 4991 Some stones in a bucket, 4992"If Stravinsky won't deafen you -- that'll." 4993% 4994There was a young man from Siam 4995Who said, "I go in with a wham, 4996 But I soon lose my starch 4997 Like the mad month of March, 4998And the lion comes out like a lamb." 4999% 5000There was a young man from St. Paul's 5001Who read "Harper's Bazaar" and "McCall's" 5002 Till he grew such a passion 5003 For feminine fashion 5004That he knitted a snood for his balls. 5005% 5006There was a young man from Stamboul 5007Who boasted so torrid a tool 5008 That each female crater 5009 Explored by this satyr 5010Seemed almost unpleasantly cool. 5011% 5012There was a young man from Tibet- 5013And this is the strangest one yet- 5014 Whose tool was so long, 5015 So pointed and strong, 5016He could bugger six Greeks "en brochette". 5017% 5018There was a young man in Havana, 5019Banged his girl on a player-piana. 5020 At the height of their fever 5021 Her ass hit the lever 5022And: yes, he has no banana. 5023% 5024There was a young man in Norway, 5025Tried to jerk himself off in a sleigh, 5026 But the air was so frigid 5027 It froze his cock rigid, 5028And all he could come was frappe. 5029% 5030There was a young man in the choir 5031Whose penis rose higher and higher, 5032 Till it reached such a height 5033 It was quite out of sight -- 5034But of course you know I'm a liar. 5035% 5036There was a young man named Crockett 5037Whose balls got caught in a socket. 5038 His wife was a bitch, 5039 And she threw the switch, 5040As Crockett went off like a rocket. 5041% 5042There was a young man named Crockett 5043Whose balls got caught in a socket. 5044 His wife was a bitch, 5045 Yeah, she threw the switch, 5046And Crockett went off like a rocket. 5047% 5048There was a young man named Hughes 5049Who swore off all kinds of booze. 5050 He said, "When I'm muddled 5051 My senses get fuddled, 5052And I pass up too many screws." 5053% 5054There was a young man named Knute 5055Who had warts all over his root. 5056 He put acid on these 5057 And now when he pees, 5058He fingers the thing like a flute. 5059% 5060There was a young man named Laplace 5061Whose balls were made out of spun glass. 5062 When they banged together 5063 They played "Stormy Weather" 5064And lightning shot out of his ass. 5065% 5066There was a young man named McNamiter 5067With a tool of prodigious diameter. 5068 But it wasn't the size 5069 Gave the girls a surprise, 5070But his rythm -- iambic pentameter. 5071% 5072There was a young man named Rex 5073Who really was small for his sex. 5074 When tried for exposure 5075 The judge's disclosure 5076Was "de minimus non curat lex." 5077% 5078There was a young man named Zerubbabel 5079Who had only one real, and one rubber ball. 5080 When they asked if his pleasure 5081 Was only half measure, 5082He replied, "That is highly improbable." 5083% 5084There was a young man named Zerubbabub 5085Who belonged to the Block, Fuck & Bugger Club 5086 But the pride of his life 5087 Were the tits of his wife -- 5088One real, and one India-rubber bub. 5089% 5090There was a young man of Arras 5091Who stretched himself out on the grass, 5092 And with no little trouble, 5093 He bent himself double, 5094And stuck his prick well up his ass. 5095% 5096There was a young man of Australia 5097Who went on a wild bacchanalia. 5098 He buggered a frog, 5099 Two mice and a dog, 5100And a bishop in fullest regalia. 5101% 5102There was a young man of Belgrade 5103Who remarked, "I'm a queer piece of trade. 5104 I will suck, without charge, 5105 Any cock, if it's large. 5106If it's small, I expect to be paid." 5107% 5108There was a young man of Belgrade 5109Who slept with a girl in the trade. 5110 She said to him, "Jack, 5111 Try the hole in the back; 5112The front one is badly decayed." 5113% 5114There was a young man of Bengal 5115Who swore he had only one ball, 5116 But two little bitches 5117 Unbuttoned his britches, 5118And found he had no balls at all. 5119% 5120There was a young man of Bombay 5121Who buggered his dad once a day. 5122 He said, "I like, rather, 5123 Fucking my father -- 5124He's clean, and there's nothing to pay." 5125% 5126There was a young man of Calcutta, 5127Who tried to write "cunt" on a shutter. 5128 When he got to c-u, 5129 A pious Hindoo 5130Knocked him ass-over-head in the gutter. 5131% 5132There was a young man of Cape Horn 5133Who wished he had never been born, 5134 And he wouldn't have been 5135 If his father had seen 5136That the end of the rubber was torn. 5137% 5138There was a young man of Coblenz 5139Whose ballocks were simply immense: 5140 It took forty-four draymen, 5141 A priest and three laymen 5142To carry them thither and thence. 5143% 5144There was a young man of Darjeeling 5145Whose cock reached up to the ceiling. 5146 In the electric light socket, 5147 He'd put it and rock it-- 5148Oh God! What a wonderful feeling! 5149% 5150There was a young man of Devizes 5151Whose balls were of different sizes. 5152 His tool when at ease, 5153 Hung down to his knees, 5154Oh, what must it be when it rises! 5155% 5156There was a young man of Devizes, 5157Whose balls were of different sizes. 5158 One was so small, 5159 It was nothing at all; 5160The other took numerous prizes. 5161% 5162There was a young man of Dumfries 5163Who said to his girl, "If you please, 5164 It would give me great bliss 5165 If, while playing with this, 5166You would pay some attention to these!" 5167% 5168There was a young man of Greenwich 5169Whose balls were all covered with spinach. 5170 So long was his tool 5171 That it wound round a spool, 5172And he let it out inach by inach. 5173% 5174There was a young man of Khartoum 5175Who lured a poor girl to her doom. 5176 He not only fucked her, 5177 But buggered and sucked her-- 5178And left her to pay for the room. 5179% 5180There was a young man of Khartoum, 5181The strength of whose balls was his doom. 5182 So strong was his shootin', 5183 The third law of Newton 5184Propelled the poor chap to the Moon. 5185% 5186There was a young man of Kildare 5187Who was fucking a girl on the stair. 5188 The bannister broke, 5189 But he doubled his stroke 5190And finished her off in mid-air. 5191% 5192There was a young man of Kutki 5193Who could blink himself off with one eye. 5194 For a while though, he pined, 5195 When his organ declined 5196To function, because of a stye. 5197% 5198There was a young man of Lahore 5199Whose prick was one inch and no more. 5200 It was all right for key-holes 5201 And little girl's pee-holes, 5202But not worth a damn with a whore. 5203% 5204There was a young man of Lake Placid 5205Whose prick was lethargic and flaccid. 5206 When he wanted to sport 5207 He would have to resort 5208To injections of sulphuric acid. 5209% 5210There was a young man of Madras 5211Whose balls were constructed of brass. 5212 When jangled together 5213 They played "Stormy Weather", 5214And lightning shot out of his ass. 5215% 5216There was a young man of Missouri 5217Who fucked with a terrible fury. 5218 Till hauled into court 5219 For his beastial sport, 5220And condemned by a poorly-hung jury. 5221% 5222There was a young man of Natal 5223And Sue was the name of his gal. 5224 One day, north of Aden, 5225 He got his hard rod in, 5226And came clear up Suez Canal. 5227% 5228There was a young man of Natal 5229Who was fucking a Hottentot gal. 5230 Said she, "You're a sluggard!" 5231 Said he, "You be buggered! 5232I like to fuck slow and I shall." 5233% 5234There was a young man of Ostend 5235Who let a girl play with his end. 5236 She took hold of Rover, 5237 And felt it all over, 5238And it did what she didn't intend. 5239% 5240There was a young man of Ostend 5241Whose wife caught him fucking her friend. 5242 "It's no use, my duck, 5243 Interrupting our fuck, 5244For I'm damned if I draw till I spend." 5245% 5246There was a young man of Saskatchewan, 5247Whose penis was truly gargantuan. 5248 It was good for large whores, 5249 And for small dinosaurs, 5250And was rough enough to scratch a match upon. 5251% 5252There was a young man of Seattle 5253Who bested a bull in a battle. 5254 With fire and gumption 5255 He assumed the bull's function, 5256And deflowered a whole herd of cattle. 5257% 5258There was a young man of St. John's 5259Who wanted to bugger the swans. 5260 But the loyal hall porter 5261 Said, "Pray take my daughter! 5262Those birds are reserved for the dons." 5263% 5264There was a young man of Tibet 5265-- And this is the strangest one yet -- 5266 His prick was so long, 5267 And so pointed and strong, 5268He could bugger six sheep en brochette. 5269% 5270There was a young man of Toulouse 5271Who had a deficient prepuce, 5272 But the foreskin he lacked 5273 He made up in his sac; 5274The result was, his balls were too loose. 5275% 5276There was a young man of high station 5277Who was found by a pious relation 5278 Making love in a ditch 5279 To -- I won't say a bitch -- 5280But a woman of no reputation. 5281% 5282There was a young man who appeared 5283To his friends with a full growth of beard; 5284 They at once said, "Although 5285 We can't say why it's so, 5286The effect is uncommonly weird." 5287 -- Edward Gorey 5288% 5289There was a young man who said "God, 5290I find it exceedingly odd, 5291 That the willow oak tree 5292 Continues to be, 5293When there's no one about in the Quad." 5294 5295"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd, 5296For I'm always about in the Quad; 5297 And that's why the tree, 5298 Continues to be," 5299Signed "Yours faithfully, God." 5300% 5301There was a young man with a fiddle 5302Who asked of his girl, "Do you diddle?" 5303 She replied, "Yes, I do, 5304 But prefer to with two -- 5305It's twice as much fun in the middle." 5306% 5307There was a young man with a prick 5308Which into his wife he would stick 5309 Every morning and night 5310 If it stood up all right -- 5311Not a very remarkable trick. 5312 5313His wife had a nice little cunt: 5314It was hairy, and soft, and in front, 5315 And with this she would fuck him, 5316 Though sometimes she'd suck him -- 5317A charming, if commonplace, stunt. 5318% 5319There was a young man with one foot 5320Who had a very long root. 5321 If he used this peg 5322 As an extra leg 5323Is a question exceedingly moot. 5324% 5325There was a young man, name of Fred, 5326Who spent every Thursday in bed; 5327 He lay with his feet 5328 Outside of the sheet, 5329And the pillows on top of his head. 5330 -- Edward Gorey 5331% 5332There was a young man, name of Saul, 5333Who was able to bounce either ball, 5334 He could stretch them and snap them, 5335 And juggle and clap them, 5336Which earned him the plaudits of all. 5337% 5338There was a young miss from Johore 5339Who'd lie on a mat on the floor; 5340 In a manner uncanny 5341 She'd wobble her fanny, 5342And drain your nuts dry to the core. 5343% 5344There was a young monk from Siberia 5345Whose life got drearia' and drearia' 5346 Till he did to a nun 5347 What shouldn't be done 5348And made her a mother superia'. 5349% 5350There was a young monk from Tibet 5351And this is the damnedest one yet 5352 His cock was so long 5353 And incredibly strong 5354That he buggered six Greeks en brochette. 5355% 5356There was a young monk in Siberia, 5357Whose morals were very inferior, 5358 He jumped on a nun 5359 Which he shouldn't have done, 5360And now she's a Mother Superior. 5361% 5362There was a young monk of Dundee 5363Who complained that it hurt him to pee, 5364 He said, "Pax vobiscum, 5365 Now why won't the piss come? 5366I'm afraid I've the c-l-a-p." 5367% 5368There was a young parson of Harwich, 5369Tried to grind his betrothed in a carriage. 5370 She said, "No, you young goose, 5371 Just try self-abuse. 5372And the other we'll try after marriage." 5373% 5374There was a young peasant named Gorse 5375Who fell madly in love with his horse. 5376 Said his wife, "You rapscallion, 5377 That horse is a stallion -- 5378This constitutes grounds for divorce." 5379% 5380There was a young person of Kent 5381Who was famous wherever he went. 5382 All the way through a fuck, 5383 He would quack like a duck, 5384And he crowed like a cock when he spent. 5385% 5386There was a young physicist named Fisk 5387Whose lovemaking was rather brisk. 5388 So quick was his action, 5389 The Lorentz Contraction 5390Shortened his rod to a disc !! 5391% 5392There was a young plumber named Lee 5393Who was plumbing his girl by the sea. 5394 She said, "Stop your plumbing, 5395 There's somebody coming" 5396Said the plumber, still plumbing, "It's me." 5397% 5398There was a young poet named Dan, 5399Whose poetry never would scan. 5400 When told this was so, 5401 He said, "Yes, I know, 5402It's because I try to put every single syllable into the last line that I possibly, possibly can." 5403% 5404There was a young royal marine, 5405Who tried to fart "God Save the Queen". 5406 When he reached the soprano 5407 Out came only guano 5408And his britches weren't fit to be seen. 5409% 5410There was a young sailor from Brighton 5411Who said to his bird, "You're a tight'un." 5412 She replied, "'Pon my soul, 5413 You're in the wrong hole 5414There's plenty of room in the right'un." 5415% 5416There was a young sapphic named Anna 5417Who stuffed her friend's cunt with banana, 5418 Which she sucked, bit by bit, 5419 From her partner's warm slit, 5420In the most approved lesbian manner. 5421% 5422There was a young soldier from Munich 5423Whose penis hung down past his tunic, 5424 And their chops girls would lick 5425 When they thought of his prick, 5426But alas! he was only a eunuch. 5427% 5428There was a young sportsman named Peel 5429Who went for a trip on his wheel; 5430 He pedalled for days 5431 Through crepuscular haze, 5432And returned feeling somewhat unreal. 5433 -- Edward Gorey 5434% 5435There was a young squaw of Wohunt 5436Who possessed a collapsible cunt. 5437 It had many odd uses, 5438 Produced no papooses, 5439And fitted both giant and runt. 5440% 5441There was a young student from Yale 5442Who was getting his first piece of tail. 5443 He shoved in his pole, 5444 But in the wrong hole, 5445And a voice from beneath yelled: "No sale!" 5446% 5447There was a young trollop at Yale, 5448Who had verses tattooed on her tail, 5449 And on her behind, 5450 For the sake of the blind, 5451A duplicate version in Braille. 5452% 5453There was a young whore from Kaloo 5454Who filled her vagina with glue. 5455 She said with a grin, 5456 "If they pay to get in, 5457They can pay to get out again too!" 5458% 5459There was a young woman called Pearl 5460Who quite resembled a churl; 5461 When she asked a young man named Tex 5462 Whether he would like to have sex, 5463"Certainly," quoth he, "Who's the girl?" 5464% 5465There was a young woman from Bude, 5466Who went for a swim in the nude, 5467 But a man in a punt, 5468 Grabbed at her elbow, 5469And said "Hey, lady, you can't swim here, it's private property." 5470% 5471There was a young woman in Dee 5472Who stayed with each man she did see. 5473 When it came to a test 5474 She wished to be best, 5475And practice makes perfect, you see. 5476% 5477There was a young woman named Alice 5478Who peed in a Catholic chalice. 5479 She said, "I do this 5480 From a great need to piss, 5481And not from sectarian malice." 5482% 5483There was a young woman named Ells 5484Who was subject to curious spells 5485 When got up very oddly, 5486 She'd cry out things ungodly 5487by the palms in expensive hotels. 5488 -- Edward Gorey 5489% 5490There was a young woman named Florence 5491Who for fucking professed an abhorrence, 5492 But they found her in bed 5493 With her cunt flaming red, 5494And her poodle-dog spending in torrents. 5495% 5496There was a young woman named Plunnery 5497Who rejoiced in the practice of gunnery. 5498 Till one day unobservant, 5499 She blew up a servant, 5500And was forced to retire to a nunnery. 5501 -- Edward Gorey 5502% 5503There was a young woman named Sutton 5504Who said, as she carved up the mutton, 5505 "My father preferred 5506 The last sheep in the herd -- 5507This is one of his children I'm cuttin'." 5508% 5509There was a young woman of Cheadle, 5510Who once gave the clap to a beadle. 5511 Said she, "Does it itch?" 5512 "It does, you damned bitch, 5513And it burns like hell-fire when I peedle." 5514% 5515There was a young woman of Condover 5516Whose husband had ceased to be fond of 'er. 5517 Her pussy was juicy, 5518 Her arse soft and goosey, 5519But peroxide had now made a blonde of 'er. 5520% 5521There was a young woman of Croft 5522Who played with herself in a loft, 5523 Having reasoned that candles 5524 Could never cause scandals, 5525Besides which they did not go soft. 5526 5527Said another young woman of Croft, 5528Amusing herself in the loft, 5529 "A salami or wurst 5530 Is what I'd choose first -- 5531With bologna you know you've been boffed." 5532% 5533There was a young woman whose stammer 5534Was atrocious, and so was her grammar; 5535 But they were not improved 5536 When her husband was moved 5537To knock out her teeth with a hammer. 5538 -- Edward Gorey 5539% 5540There was a young woman, quite handsome, 5541Who got stuck in a sleeping room transom. 5542 When she offered much gold 5543 For release, she was told 5544That the view was worth more than the ransom. 5545% 5546There was an Old Man of the Mountain 5547Who frigged himself into a fountain 5548 Fifteen times had he spent, 5549 Still he wasn't content, 5550He simply got tired of the counting. 5551% 5552There was an old Scot named McTavish 5553Who attempted an anthropoid ravish. 5554 The object of rape 5555 Was the wrong sex of ape, 5556And the anthropoid ravished McTavish. 5557% 5558There was an old abbess quite shocked 5559To find nuns where the candles were locked. 5560 Said the abbess, "You nuns 5561 Should behave more like guns, 5562And never go off till you're cocked." 5563% 5564There was an old bishop from Buckingham 5565Who fell in love with some oysters while shucking 'em. 5566 His wife with distain 5567 Could scarcely restrain 5568That sprightly old bishop from * * *. 5569% 5570There was an old count of Swoboda 5571Who would not pay a whore what he owed her. 5572 So, with great savoir-faire, 5573 She stood on a chair 5574And pissed in his whiskey-and-soda. 5575% 5576There was an old curate of Hestion 5577Who'd errect at the slightest suggestion. 5578 But so small was his tool 5579 He could scarce screw a spool, 5580And a cunt was quite out of the question. 5581% 5582There was an old fellow named Art 5583Who awoke with a horrible start, 5584 For down by his rump 5585 Was a generous lump 5586Of what should have been just a fart. 5587% 5588There was an old fellow named Skinner 5589Whose prick, his wife said, had grown thinner. 5590 But still, by and large, 5591 It would always discharge 5592Once he could just get it in her. 5593% 5594There was an old feminine blighter 5595Who trained a Chow dog to delight her. 5596 She would cream her own pool 5597 While she sucked off his tool -- 5598How his cock in her cunt would excite her! 5599% 5600There was an old gent from Kentuck 5601Who boasted a filigreed schmuck, 5602 But he put it away 5603 For fear that one day 5604He might put it in and get stuck. 5605% 5606There was an old girl of Kilkenny 5607Whose usual charge was a penny. 5608 For half of that sum 5609 You could finger her bum-- 5610A source of amusement to many. 5611% 5612There was an old harlot from Dijon 5613Who in her old age got religion. 5614 "When I'm dead & gone," 5615 Said she, "I'll take on 5616The Father, the Son, and the Pigeon." 5617% 5618There was an old hermit named Dave 5619Who kept a dead whore in his cave. 5620 He said "I'll admit 5621 I'm a bit of a shit, 5622But look at the money I save." 5623% 5624There was an old lady of Bingly 5625Who wailed, "I do hate to sleep singly. 5626 I thought I had got 5627 A bloke for my twat, 5628But he seems rather queenly than kingly." 5629% 5630There was an old lady of Glascow, 5631Whose party proved quite a fiasco. 5632 At nine-thirty, about, 5633 The lights all went out, 5634Through a lapse on the part of the Gas Co. 5635% 5636There was an old lady of Kewry 5637Whose cunt was a `lusus naturae': 5638 The `introitus vaginae', 5639 Was unnaturally tiny, 5640And the thought of it filled her with fury. 5641% 5642There was an old lady who lay 5643With her legs wide apart in the hay, 5644 Then, calling the ploughman, 5645 She said, "Do it now, man! 5646Don't wait till your hair has turned gray." 5647% 5648There was an old maid from Cape Cod 5649Who thought all good things came from god. 5650 But it wasn't the almighty 5651 Who lifted her nighty, 5652It was Roger, the lodger, by god. 5653% 5654There was an old man from Bengal 5655Who liked to do tricks in the hall. 5656 His favorite trick 5657 Was to stand on his dick 5658While he rolled around on one ball. 5659% 5660There was an old man from Duluth 5661Whose cock was shot off in his youth. 5662 He fucked with his nose 5663 Or his fingers and toes 5664And he came thru a hole in his tooth. 5665% 5666There was an old man from Fort Drum 5667Whose son was incredibly dumb. 5668 When he urged him ahead, 5669 He went down instead, 5670For he thought to succeed meant succumb. 5671% 5672There was an old man of Alsace 5673Who played the trombone with his ass. 5674 He put in a trap 5675 To take out the crap, 5676But the vapors corroded the brass. 5677% 5678There was an old man of Brienz 5679The length of whose cock was immense: 5680 With one swerve he could plug 5681 A boy's bottom in Zug, 5682And a kitchen-maid's cunt in Coblenz. 5683% 5684There was an old man of Cajon 5685Who never could get a good bone. 5686 With the aid of a gland 5687 It grew simply grand; 5688Now his wife cannot leave it alone. 5689% 5690There was an old man of Calcutta 5691Who spied through a chink in the shutter. 5692 But all he could see 5693 Was his wife's bare knee, 5694And the back of the bloke who was up her. 5695% 5696There was an old man of Connaught 5697Whose prick was remarkably short. 5698 When he got into bed, 5699 The old woman said, 5700"This isn't a prick, it's a wart." 5701% 5702There was an old man of Duddee 5703Who came home as drunk as could be. 5704 He wound up the clock 5705 With the end of his cock, 5706And buggered his wife with the key. 5707% 5708There was an old man of Duluth 5709Whose cock was shot off in his youth. 5710 He fucked with his nose 5711 And with fingers and toes, 5712And he came through a hole in his tooth. 5713% 5714There was an old man of Hong Kong 5715Who never did anything wrong. 5716 He would lie on his back 5717 With his head in a sack 5718And secretly finger his dong. 5719% 5720There was an old man of St. Bees, 5721Who was stung in the arm by a wasp. 5722 When asked, "Does it hurt?" 5723 He replied, "No, it doesn't. 5724I'm so glad that it wasn't a hornet." 5725 -- W.S. Gilbert 5726% 5727There was an old man of Tagore 5728Whose tool was a yard long or more, 5729 So he wore the damn thing 5730 In a surgical sling 5731To keep it from wiping the floor. 5732% 5733There was an old man of the port 5734Whose prick was remarkably short. 5735 When he got into bed, 5736 The old woman said, 5737"That isn't a prick; it's a wart!" 5738% 5739There was an old man who said, "Tush! 5740My balls always hang in the brush, 5741 And I fumble about, 5742 Half in and half out, 5743With a pecker as limber as mush." 5744% 5745There was an old man with a beard 5746Who said, "It is just what I feared! 5747 Two owls and a hen, 5748 Four larks and a wren 5749Have all built their nests in my beard!" 5750% 5751There was an old person of Ware 5752Who had an affair with a bear. 5753 He explained, "I don't mind, 5754 For it's gentle and kind, 5755But I wish it had slightly less hair." 5756% 5757There was an old pirate named Bates 5758Who was learning to rhumba on skates 5759 He fell on his cutlass 5760 Which rendered him nutless 5761And practically useless on dates. 5762% 5763There was an old satyr named Mack 5764Whose prick had a left handed tack. 5765 If the ladies he loves 5766 Don't spin when he shoves, 5767Their cervixes frequently crack. 5768% 5769There was an old whore from Silesia 5770Who'd croke: "If my box doesn't please ya, 5771 For a slight extra sum 5772 You can go up my bum 5773But watchout or my tapeworm'll seize ya." 5774% 5775There was an old whore in the Azores 5776Whose body was covered with festers & sores. 5777 Why the dogs in the street 5778 Wouldn't eat the green meat 5779That hung in festoons from her drawers. 5780% 5781There was an old woman of Ghent 5782Who swore that her cunt had no scent. 5783 She got fucked so often 5784 At last she got rotten, 5785And didn't she stink when she spent. 5786% 5787There was once a mechanic named Bench 5788Whose best tool was a sturdy gut-wrench. 5789 With this vibrant device 5790 He could reach, in a trice, 5791The innermost parts of a wench. 5792% 5793There was once a sad Maitre d'hotel 5794Who said, "They can all go to hell! 5795 What they do to my wife-- 5796 Why it ruins my life; 5797And the worst is, they all do it well. 5798% 5799There were three ladies of Huxham, 5800And whenever we meets 'em we fucks 'em, 5801 And when that game grows stale 5802 We sits on a rail, 5803And pulls out our pricks and they sucks 'em. 5804% 5805There were three young ladies of Birmingham, 5806And this is the scandal concerning 'em. 5807 They lifted the frock 5808 And tickled the cock 5809Of the Bishop engaged in confirming 'em. 5810 5811Now, the Bishop was nobody's fool, 5812He'd been to a good public school, 5813 So he took down their britches 5814 And buggered those bitches 5815With his ten-inch episcopal tool. 5816 5817Then up spoke a lady from Kew, 5818And said, as the Bishop withdrew, 5819 "The vicar is quicker 5820 And thicker and slicker, 5821And longer and stronger than you." 5822 -- Abuses of the Clergy 5823% 5824There's a charming young girl in Tobruk 5825Who refers to her quiff as a nook. 5826 It's deep and it's wide, 5827 -- You can curl up inside 5828With a nice easy chair and a book. 5829% 5830There's a charming young lady named Beaulieu 5831Who's often been screwed by yours truly, 5832 But now--it's appallin'-- 5833 My balls always fall in! 5834I fear that I've fucked her unduly. 5835% 5836There's a dowager near Sweden Landing 5837Whose manners are odd and demanding. 5838 It's one of her jests 5839 To suck off her guests -- 5840She hates to keep gentlemen standing. 5841% 5842There's a lovely young lady named Shittlecock 5843Who loves to play diddle and fiddle-cock, 5844 But her cunt's got a pucker 5845 That's best not to fuck, or 5846When least you expect it to, it'll lock. 5847% 5848There's a rather odd couple in Herts 5849Who are cousins (or so each asserts); 5850 Their sex is in doubt 5851 For they're never without 5852Their moustaches and long, trailing skirts. 5853 -- Edward Gorey 5854% 5855There's a sports-minded coed named Sue, 5856Who's been coxing the varsity crew. 5857 In the shell Sue is great, 5858 But her boyfriend's irate, 5859When she calls out the stroke as they screw. 5860% 5861There's a tavern in London that's staffed, 5862By a barmaid who's tops at her craft: 5863 In her striving to please, 5864 She serves ale on her knees, 5865So the patrons get head with their draft. 5866% 5867There's a very hot babe at the Aggies 5868Who's to men what to bulls a red rag is. 5869 The seniors go round 5870 Hanging down to the ground, 5871And one extra-large Soph has to drag his. 5872% 5873There's a vicar who's classed as nefarious, 5874Since his shocking perversions are various... 5875 He will bugger some lad 5876 With a dildo (the cad!) 5877While exulting, "My pleasure's vicarious!" 5878% 5879There's a young Yiddish slut with two cunts, 5880Whose pleasure in life is to pruntz. 5881 When one pireg is shot, 5882 There's that alternate twat, 5883But the ausgefuckt male merely grunts. 5884% 5885There's an oversexed lady named Whyte 5886Who insists on a dozen a night. 5887 A fellow named Cheddar 5888 Had the brashness to wed her- 5889His chance of survival is slight. 5890% 5891There's an unbroken babe from Toronto, 5892Exceedingly hard to get onto, 5893 But when you get there, 5894 And have parted the hair, 5895You can fuck her as much as you want to. 5896% 5897They had come in the fugue to the stretto 5898When a dark, bearded man from a ghetto 5899 Slipped forward and grabbed 5900 Her tresses and stabbed 5901Her to death with a rusty stiletto. 5902 -- Edward Gorey 5903% 5904Though his plan, when he gave her a buzz, 5905Was to do what man normally does, 5906 She declared, "I'm a Soul- 5907 Not a sexual goal!" 5908So he shrugged and called someone who was. 5909% 5910Though most of the crewmen are whites, 5911Uhura has full equal rights. 5912 Her crewmates, you see, 5913 Love De-mo-cra-cy, 5914And the way that she fills out her tights. 5915% 5916Though the invalid Saint of Brac 5917Lay all of his life on his back, 5918 His wife got her share, 5919 And the pilgrims now stare 5920At the scene, in his shrine, on a plaque. 5921% 5922To a weepy young woman in Thrums 5923Her betrothed remarked, "This is what comes 5924 Of allowing your tears 5925 To fall into my ears - 5926I think they have rotted the drums." 5927 -- Edward Gorey 5928% 5929To bear offspring, Noah's snakes were unable. 5930Their fertility was somewhat unstable. 5931 He constructed a bed 5932 Out of tree trunks and said, 5933"Even adders can multiply on a log table." 5934% 5935To his bride a young bridegroom said, "Pish! 5936Your cunt is as big as a dish!" 5937 She replied, "Why, you fool, 5938 With your limp little tool 5939It's like driving a nail with a fish!" 5940% 5941To his bride said a numskull named Clarence : 5942"I trust you will show some forbearance. 5943 My sexual habits 5944 I picked up from rabbits, 5945And occasionally watching my parents." 5946% 5947To his bride said economist Fife : 5948"The semen you'll launch as my wife, 5949 We will salvage and freeze 5950 To resemble goat's cheese, 5951And slice for hors d'oeuvres with a knife." 5952% 5953To his bride said the keen-eyed detective, 5954"Can it be that my eyesight's defective? 5955 Has the east tit the least bit 5956 The best of the west tit, 5957Or is it the faulty perspective?" 5958% 5959To his bride, said the sharp eyed detective, 5960"Can it be that my eyesight's defective? 5961 Is your east tit the least bit 5962 The best of your west tit, 5963Or is it a trick of perspective?" 5964% 5965To his clubfooted child said Lord Stipple, 5966As he poured his post-prandial tipple, 5967 "Your mother's behaviour 5968 Gave pain to Our Saviour, 5969And that's why He made you a cripple." 5970 -- Edward Gorey 5971% 5972Two anglers were fishing off Wight 5973And his bobber was dipping all night. 5974 Murmured she, with a laugh, 5975 "It's ready to gaff, 5976But don't break your rod which is light." 5977 5978A couple was fishing near Clombe 5979When the maid began looking quite glum, 5980 And said, "Bother the fish! 5981 I'd rather coish!" 5982Which they did -- which was why they had come. 5983 5984As two consular clerks in Madras 5985Fished, hidden in deep shore-grass, 5986 "What a marvelous pole," 5987 Said she, "but control 5988Your sinkers -- they're banging my ass." 5989% 5990Two eager young men from Cawnpore 5991Once buggared and fucked the same whore. 5992 But her partition split 5993 And the blood and the shit 5994Rolled out in a mess on the floor. 5995% 5996Two roosters in one of our pens 5997Found their pricks were no larger than wens. 5998 As they looked at their foreskins 5999 And wished they had more skins, 6000They discovered they'd both become hens. 6001% 6002Un moine au milieu de la messe A monk in the middle of mass 6003S'eleva et cria en detresse; Stood up and cried out in distress; 6004 "La vie religieuse, "The religious life 6005 C'est sale et affreuse," Is dirty and horrid," 6006Et se poignarda dans les fesses. And stabbed himself in the ass. 6007 -- Edward Gorey 6008% 6009Under the spreading chestnut tree 6010The village smith he sat, 6011 Amusing himself 6012 By abusing himself 6013And catching the load in his hat. 6014% 6015Une joile epousetta a Tours 6016Voulait de gig-gig tous le jours. 6017 Mais le mari disait, "Non! 6018 De trop n'est pas bon! 6019Mon derriere exige du secours!" 6020% 6021Visas erat: huic geminarum 6022Dispar modus testicularum: 6023 Minor haec nihili, 6024 Palma triplici, 6025Jam fecerat altera clarum. 6026% 6027We dedicate this to the cunt, 6028The kind the broad-minded guys hunt : 6029 All hail to the twat, 6030 Willing, thrilling, and hot, 6031That wears peckers down, limp and blunt! 6032% 6033We sailed on the good ship Venus, 6034My God, you should have seen us 6035 With a figurehead 6036 Of a whore in bed 6037And the mast an upright penis 6038 6039The captain of the lugger 6040Was known as a filthy bugger 6041 Declared unfit 6042 To shovel shit 6043From one ship to another 6044 6045The first mate's name was Cooper, 6046By god he was a trooper 6047 He jerked and jerked 6048 Until he worked 6049Himself into a stupor 6050 6051The cabin boy was chipper, 6052A dandy little nipper 6053 He shoved cracked glass 6054 Inside his ass 6055And circumcised the skipper 6056 6057The captain's wife was Charlotte, 6058Born and bred a harlot 6059 Her thighs at night 6060 Were lily white 6061By morning they were scarlet 6062 6063The captain's youngest daughter 6064Slipped into the water 6065 Her plaintive squeals 6066 Announced that eels 6067Had found her sexual quarter 6068 6069The ship's dog's name was Rover, 6070They turned the poor beast over 6071 And ground and ground 6072 That faithful hound 6073From Tenerife to Dover 6074% 6075Well buggered was a boy named Delpasse 6076By all of the lads in his class 6077 He said, with a yawn, 6078 "Now the novelty's gone 6079And it's only a pain in the ass." 6080% 6081When I was a baby, my penis 6082Was as white as the buttocks of Venus. 6083 But now 'tis as red 6084 As her nipples instead-- 6085All because of the feminine genus! 6086% 6087When they asked a pert baggage name Alice, 6088Who'd been bedded and banged in the palace, 6089 "Was he modest or vain?" 6090 "Was he regal or plain?" 6091She replied, "He's a jolly good phallus!" 6092% 6093When you fuck little Annie in Anza 6094You get a great bossom bonanza: 6095 Sucking Annie's soft tits 6096 Makes her throw fifty fits, 6097And the fuck is a sextravaganza! 6098% 6099While I, with my usual enthusiasm, 6100Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm, 6101 She explained, "They are flat, 6102 But think nothing of that -- 6103You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm." 6104% 6105While Titian was mixing rose madder, 6106His model reclined on a ladder. 6107 Her position to Titian 6108 Suggested coition, 6109So he leapt up the ladder and had 'er. 6110% 6111While his duchess lay practically dead, 6112The Duke of Daguerrodargue said: 6113 "Can it be this is all? 6114 How puny! How small! 6115Have destroyed this disgrace to my bed." 6116 -- Edward Gorey 6117% 6118While out on a date in his Fiat, 6119The man exclaimed "Where's my key at?" 6120 As he bent down to seek, 6121 She let out a shriek: 6122"That's not where it's likely to be at." 6123% 6124While spending the winter at Pau 6125Lady Pamela forgot to say "No." 6126 So the head-porter made her 6127 And the second-cook laid her; 6128The waiters were all hanging low. 6129% 6130While travelling in farthest Tibet, 6131Lord Irongate found cause to regret 6132 The buttered-up tea, 6133 A pain in his knee, 6134And the frivolous tourists he met. 6135 -- Edward Gorey 6136% 6137Winter is here with his grouch, 6138The time when you sneeze and you slouch. 6139 You can't take your women 6140 Canoein' or swimmin', 6141But a lot can be done on a couch. 6142% 6143With his penis in turgid erection, 6144And aimed at woman's mid-section, 6145 Man looks most uncouth 6146 In that Moment of Truth, 6147But she sheathes it with loving affection. 6148% 6149You Women's Lib gals won't agree, 6150But dependent on men you must be: 6151 You'll need a him 6152 With a rod firm and trim, 6153To puggle your water-drains free! 6154% 6155You've heard of the bishop of Birmingham, 6156Well, here's the new story concerning 'im : 6157 He buggers the choir 6158 As they sing "Ave Maria," 6159And fucks all the girls whilst confirming 'em. 6160% 6161Young Frederick the great was a beaut. 6162To a guard he cried, "Hey, man, you're cute. 6163 If you'll come to my palace, 6164 I'll finger your phallus, 6165And then I shall blow on your flute." 6166% 6167`My trip? It was vile. Balaclava 6168I loathed. Etna was crawling with lava. 6169 The ship was all white 6170 But it creaked in the night, 6171And the band, they did not know la java." 6172 -- Edward Gorey 6173% 6174