1!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH 2% 3(1) Alexander the Great was a great general. 4(2) Great generals are forewarned. 5(3) Forewarned is forearmed. 6(4) Four is an even number. 7(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. 8(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. 9 10Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. 11% 12(1) Everything depends. 13(2) Nothing is always. 14(3) Everything is sometimes. 15% 161.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's 17the law! 18% 1910.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0. 20% 21100 buckets of bits on the bus 22100 buckets of bits 23Take one down, short it to ground 24FF buckets of bits on the bus 25 26FF buckets of bits on the bus 27FF buckets of bits 28Take one down, short it to ground 29FE buckets of bits on the bus 30 31ad infinitum... 32% 33$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at 34which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. 35 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 36% 37101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR 38 (1) Scarecrow for centipedes 39 (2) Dead cat brush 40 (3) Hair barrettes 41 (4) Cleats 42 (5) Self-piercing earrings 43 (6) Fungus trellis 44 (7) False eyelashes 45 (8) Prosthetic dog claws 46 . 47 . 48 . 49 (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors) 50 (100) Killer velcro 51 (101) Currency 52% 53186,282 miles per second: 54 55It isn't just a good idea, it's the law! 56% 572180, U.S. History question: 58 What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what 59office did he later hold? 60% 61$3,000,000 62% 63"355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible 64simulation!" 65% 6643rd Law of Computing: 67 Anything that can go wr 68fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped 69% 7077. HO HUM -- The Redundant 71 72------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme 73--- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife 74------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working 75---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop the 76---X--- (9) GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates to 77--- --- (8) nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex. 78 79Nine in the second place means: 80 The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune. 81 82Six in the third place means: 83 In former times men built altars to honor the Internal Revenue 84 Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble! 85% 867:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 87 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National 88 Redwood Forest. 89% 907:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 91 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the 92 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus. 93% 9499 blocks of crud on the disk, 9599 blocks of crud! 96You patch a bug, and dump it again: 97100 blocks of crud on the disk! 98 99100 blocks of crud on the disk, 100100 blocks of crud! 101You patch a bug, and dump it again: 102101 blocks of crud on the disk! ... 103% 104A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a 105"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble. 106 -- Mahatma Ghandi 107% 108A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. 109Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific 110game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have 111traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, 112preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass. 113 -- Donald A. Metz 114% 115A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and 116placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or 117rolled into the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results 118from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball 119and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the 120ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical phenomena. 121 -- Donald A. Metz 122% 123A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no 124responsibility at the other. 125% 126A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on. 127 -- Carl Sandburg 128% 129A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out 130of a divorce. 131 -- Don Quinn 132% 133A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining 134and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. 135 -- Mark Twain 136% 137A billion here, a couple of billion there -- first thing you know it 138adds up to be real money. 139 -- Senator Everett McKinley Dirksen 140% 141A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him. 142% 143A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. 144% 145A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose. 146% 147... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you 148have turned into a pile of dust. 149% 150A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have 151enlightened him with ours. 152% 153A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well 154as afterward. 155% 156A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the 157poor to protect them from each other. 158% 159A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. 160% 161A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not 162mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty 163trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators. 164 -- Dave Barry 165% 166A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five. 167% 168A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon. 169Avoid him. He's a Commie. 170% 171A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but 172won't cross the street to vote in a national election. 173 -- Bill Vaughan 174% 175A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. 176 -- Herbert Prochnow 177% 178A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody 179wants to read. 180 -- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature" 181% 182A closed mouth gathers no foot. 183% 184A computer, to print out a fact, 185Will divide, multiply, and subtract. 186 But this output can be 187 No more than debris, 188If the input was short of exact. 189 -- Gigo 190% 191A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. 192% 193A CONS is an object which cares. 194 -- Bernie Greenberg. 195% 196A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it 197is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it. 198% 199A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper. 200 -- Dyer 201% 202A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the 203damned things is ample. 204 -- Rebecca West 205% 206A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. 207 -- Ben Franklin 208% 209A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison 210And had an affair with a Saracen. 211 She was not oversexed, 212 Or jealous or vexed, 213She just wanted to make a comparison. 214% 215A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen 216lantern. 217 -- Edgar A. Shoaff 218% 219A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it? 220% 221A day without sunshine is like night. 222% 223A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur 224coat. 225% 226A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that 227you will look forward to the trip. 228% 229 A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was 230eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality 231test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." 232 Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into 233the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too." 234% 235A diva who specializes in risqué arias is an off-coloratura soprano ... 236% 237 A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing 238about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their 239arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon 240the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because 241Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply 242incredible surgical feat." 243 The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the 244Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of 245that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an 246architect." 247 The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, 248"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" 249% 250A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. 251 -- Ogden Nash 252% 253A dozen, a gross, and a score, 254Plus three times the square root of four, 255 Divided by seven, 256 Plus five times eleven, 257Equals nine squared plus zero, no more. 258% 259A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a 260Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. 261Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network 262with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the 263Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly 264pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while 265simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick 266Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened. 267% 268A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the 269subject. 270 -- Winston Churchill 271% 272A fool must now and then be right by chance. 273% 274A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into 275superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. 276 -- G. B. Shaw 277% 278A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block 279of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an 280elephant. 281% 282A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. 283 -- D. Gries 284% 285"A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch 286dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension." 287 -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature" 288% 289A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. 290 -- Adlai Stevenson 291% 292A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than 293he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men 294favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter 295facts of life in bandages of self-illusion. 296 -- H. L. Mencken 297% 298A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding 299ducks. 300 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 301% 302A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident. 303A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident. 304But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *____that ___had __to ____mean _________something*. 305 -- S. Morganstern, "The Silent Gondoliers" 306% 307A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort 308of). 309% 310A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened 311into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the 312hope of greening the landscape of idea. 313 -- John Ciardi 314% 315A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely 316rearranging their prejudices. 317 -- William James 318% 319A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest 320man a century. 321% 322A hypothetical paradox: 323 What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security 324team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of 325Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? 326 -- Tom Galloway 327% 328A is for AMY who fell down the stairs, B is for BASIL assaulted by bears. 329C is for CLARA who wasted away, D is for DESMOND thrown out of a sleigh. 330E is for ERNEST who choked on a peach, F is for FANNY sucked dry by a leech. 331G is for GEORGE smothered under a rug, H is for HECTOR done in by a thug. 332I is for IDA who drowned in a lake, J is for JAMES who took lye by mistake. 333K is for KATE who was struck with an axe, L is for LEO who swallowed some tacks. 334M is for MAUD who was swept out to sea, N is for NEVILLE who died of ennui. 335O is for OLIVE run through with an awl, P is for PRUE trampled flat in a brawl. 336Q is for QUENTIN who sank in a mire, R is for RHODA consumed by a fire. 337S is for SUSAN who perished of fits, T is for TITUS who flew into bits. 338U is for UNA who slipped down a drain, V is for VICTOR squashed under a train. 339W is for WINNIE embedded in ice, X is for XERXES devoured by mice. 340Y is for YORICK whose head was knocked in, 341Z is for ZILLAH who drank too much gin. 342 -- Edward Gorey, "The Gashlycrumb Tinies" 343% 344A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. 345% 346A jury consists of 12 persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. 347 -- Robert Frost 348% 349A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. 350% 351A lady with one of her ears applied 352To an open keyhole heard, inside, 353Two female gossips in converse free -- 354The subject engaging them was she. 355"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks 356That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" 357As soon as no more of it she could hear 358The lady, indignant, removed her ear. 359"I will not stay," she said with a pout, 360"To hear my character lied about!" 361 -- Gopete Sherany 362% 363A language that doesn't affect the way you think about programming is 364not worth knowing. 365% 366A language that doesn't have everything is actually easier to program 367in than some that do. 368 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 369% 370A large number of installed systems work by fiat. That is, they work 371by being declared to work. 372 -- Anatol Holt 373% 374A Law of Computer Programming: 375 Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you 376will find the programmers cannot write in English. 377% 378A limerick packs laughs anatomical 379Into space that is quite economical. 380 But the good ones I've seen 381 So seldom are clean, 382And the clean ones so seldom are comical. 383% 384A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, but the cost of 385nothing. 386 -- Alan Perlis 387% 388A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. 389 -- H. H. Munroe, "Saki" 390% 391A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. 392% 393A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any 394price. 395% 396A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in 397his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and 398exceptional ability in that particular field." 399% 400A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. 401 -- Steve Wright 402% 403A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I 404believe everything positively stinks. 405 -- Lew Col 406% 407 A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The 408first thing he notices is that the arms are too long. 409 "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow 410and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine." 411 "But the collar is up around my ears!" 412 "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a 413little more ... that's it." 414 "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation. 415 "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you 416go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly." 417 So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the 418street. Reba and Florence see him go by. 419 "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!" 420 "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit." 421 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 422% 423A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!" 424 425"However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a 426sense of obligation." 427 -- Stephen Crane 428% 429A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. 430% 431 A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his 432novices. "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how 433insignificant," said the master. 434 435 "Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice. 436 437 "It is," came the reply. 438 439 "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice. 440 441 "It is even in a video game," said the master. 442 443 "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?" 444 445 The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The 446lesson is over for today," he said. 447 -- "The Tao of Programming" 448% 449A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems. 450% 451A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed 452on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new 453game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the 454pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly 455along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their 456heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn 457around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite 458direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the 459paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin 460colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins 461fall over gently onto their backs. 462 -- Audubon Society Magazine 463 464[From the BBC, 2001-02-02: 465 For five weeks, a team from the British Antarctic Survey (BAS) 466monitored 1,000 king penguins on the island of South Georgia as Lynx 467helicopters passed overhead. 468 "Not one king penguin fell over when the helicopters came over," 469said team leader Dr. Richard Stone. 470 "As the aircraft approached, the birds went quiet and stopped 471calling to each other, and adolescent birds that were not associated 472with nests began walking away from the noise. Pure animal instinct, 473really." 474 The conclusion, said Dr. Stone, is that flights over 305 metres 475(1,000 feet) caused "only minor and transitory ecological effects" on 476king penguins.] 477% 478 A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at 479the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the 480pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite 481nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..." 482 "If what?" asked the composer. 483 "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?" 484% 485A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out 486on loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed 487loudly inside the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom 488do you believe," asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?" 489% 490A new dramatist of the absurd 491Has a voice that will shortly be heard. 492 I learn from my spies 493 He's about to devise 494An unprintable three-letter word. 495% 496A new koan: 497 498 If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. 499 500 If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you. 501 502It is an ice cream koan. 503% 504A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. 505Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a round tuit now 506has no excuse for further procrastination. 507% 508A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies 509insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the 510right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them. 511% 512A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the 513rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion. 514% 515 A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which 516removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to 517doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous 518amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware 519limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the 520larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient 521power-down sequence. 522 An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the 523building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has 524bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer 525cool. 526% 527A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power 528off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly: 529"You can not fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no 530understanding of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off 531and on. The machine worked. 532% 533A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. 534% 535A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space. 536 -- Gloria Steinem 537% 538A penny saved is ridiculous. 539% 540A person is just about as big as the things that make him angry. 541% 542A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms. 543 -- George Wald 544% 545A pig is a jolly companion, 546Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt -- 547A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, 548Though mountains may topple and tilt. 549When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you, 550When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig, 551Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover, 552You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig, 553You'll never go wrong with a pig! 554 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 555% 556 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling 557 by Mark Twain 558 559 For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped 560to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer 561be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained 562would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 563might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the 564same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with 565"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all. 566 Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear 567with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 568or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. 569Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi 570ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz 571ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli. 572 Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud 573hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. 574% 575"A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!" 576 -- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Sumatra" 577% 578A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? 579 580And the Master answered: 581 582It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. 583 584It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. 585 586It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to City 587upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come 588to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness. 589 590And that is Fate? said the priest. 591 592Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master. 593 594That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was 595too. 596 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 597% 598 A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came 599upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. 600"That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow 601man". 602 As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, 603he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." 604% 605A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. 606% 607"A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis 608of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite 609series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric 610precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from 611inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical 612accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality 613for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly 614defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the 615information in the first place." 616 -- IEEE Grid news magazine 617% 618A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that 619your wife will give you for free. 620% 621A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be 622too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which 623was intended for her preservation. 624 -- Colton 625% 626A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as 627"you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if 628the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants 629to make a travesty of the game. 630 -- Donald A. Metz 631% 632"A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results blacked 633out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon." 634 -- Steel City News 635% 636"A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives." 637% 638A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20: 639 640Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying, 641"Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny 642bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the 643lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and 644breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the 645Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of 646the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt 647thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then 648proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being 649the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand 650Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, 651shall snuff it." 652 -- Monty Python, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" 653% 654A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices 655that the system works. 656% 657A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and 658the real reason. 659% 660A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen 661objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer 662scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added 663concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three 664dimensional objects ... 665% 666A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may 667not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized 668rosewater. 669% 670A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man 671contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. 672 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 673% 674A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will 675keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those 676that are worth committing. 677 -- Samuel Butler 678% 679 A Severe Strain on the Credulity 680 681As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest 682parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket 683is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one 684considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one 685begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really 686starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor 687maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left. 688Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing 689of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to 690re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum 691against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the 692knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. 693 -- New York Times Editorial, 1920 694% 695A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard. 696 -- Prof. Steiner 697% 698... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he 699was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. 700 -- Mark Twain 701% 702A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. 703 -- O'Henry 704% 705A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many 706bad measures. 707 -- Daniel Webster 708% 709A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an 710exam. 711% 712A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to 713Greenblatt. As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it 714true," asked the student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as 715Lisp?" Almost before the student had finished his question, Greenblatt 716shouted, "FOO!", and hit the student with a stick. 717% 718A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something 719undreamed of by its author. 720 -- S. C. Johnson 721% 722A tautology is a thing which is tautological. 723% 724A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, 725and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. 726 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 727% 728A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by 729blowing first. 730% 731A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene 732triangle. 733% 734A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 735% 736A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest 737in students. 738 -- John Ciardi 739% 740"A University without students is like an ointment without a fly." 741 -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin 742% 743A UNIX saleslady, Lenore, 744Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more. 745 She found a good way 746 To combine work and play: 747She sells C shells by the seashore. 748% 749A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature 750replaces it with. 751 -- Tennessee Williams 752% 753A very intelligent turtle 754Found programming UNIX a hurdle 755 The system, you see, 756 Ran as slow as did he, 757And that's not saying much for the turtle. 758% 759A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without 760getting nervous. 761% 762A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets 763people's attention. 764% 765A witty saying proves nothing. 766 -- Voltaire 767% 768A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to 769admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact 770remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one 771reason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell. It 772is for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties of 773using indirect spells. It also does no harm, in dealing with these 774matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times. 775 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII 776% 777A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe in God. 778% 779A.A.A.A.A.: 780 An organization for drunks who drive 781% 782AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!! 783You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room! 784% 785Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. 786% 787"About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the 788ends." 789 -- Herbert Hoover 790% 791Absence makes the heart go wander. 792% 793Absent, adj.: 794 Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; 795slandered. 796% 797Absentee, n.: 798 A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove 799himself from the sphere of exaction. 800 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 801% 802Abstainer, n.: 803 A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a 804pleasure. 805 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 806% 807Absurdity, n.: 808 A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own 809opinion. 810 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 811% 812Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, 813because the stakes are so low. 814 -- Wallace Sayre 815% 816Accident, n.: 817 A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of 818body is better. 819 -- Foolish Dictionary 820% 821Accidents cause History. 822 823If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the 824Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not 825have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil 826could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and 827the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd. 828 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 829% 830According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person 831shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than 832fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening 833of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of 834the returns." 835% 836According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least 837once a year. 838% 839According to my best recollection, I don't remember. 840 -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo 841% 842According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are 843totally worthless. 844% 845According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never 846dies. 847% 848According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to 849live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came 850in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. 851Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime. 852 -- David Letterman 853% 854Accordion, n.: 855 A bagpipe with pleats. 856% 857Accuracy, n.: 858 The vice of being right. 859% 860 ACHTUNG!!! 861 862Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy 863schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit 864spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das 865rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und 866vatch das blinkenlights!!! 867% 868Acid -- better living through chemistry. 869% 870Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality. 871% 872Acquaintance, n.: 873 A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well 874enough to lend to. 875 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 876% 877"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing." 878% 879Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had 880 everyone glued in their seats!" 881Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of 882 it!" 883% 884Actor: So what do you do for a living? 885Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving 886 dishes for Chinese restaurants. 887 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 888% 889Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families. 890% 891ADA, n.: 892 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in 893 Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop 894 an ADA awareness." 895 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 896% 897Admiration, n.: 898 Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. 899 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 900% 901Adolescence, n.: 902 The stage between puberty and adultery. 903% 904"Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look 905like you ..." 906 -- Gilda Radner 907% 908Adore, v.: 909 To venerate expectantly. 910 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 911% 912Adult, n.: 913 One old enough to know better. 914% 915Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest 916way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless. 917 -- Sinclair Lewis 918% 919Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic, 920then at least be aseptic. 921% 922After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose 923names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary 924Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted 925many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi 926Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two 927different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current 928developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer 929attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led 930to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, 931skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously 932injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it 933hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact 934that it sinks like a stone. 935 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 936% 937After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out. 938It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life 939more advanced than the lichen family. 940 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do" 941% 942After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. 943% 944"... After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known 945quotations." 946 -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare 947% 948After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not 949for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have 950simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. 951 -- P. J. O'Rourke 952% 953After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found 954on the bench. 955% 956 After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from 957Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, 958and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon 959to be created." 960 "This is true," He replied. 961 "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. 962 "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the 963right to make his laws?" 964 "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to 965make his own." 966 It was so granted. 967 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 968% 969"After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of 970the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the 971cost to others, to win advancement." 972 -- Norman Thomas 973% 974After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK? 975% 976After living in New York, you trust nobody, but you believe 977everything. Just in case. 978% 979After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access 980cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been 981removed. 982% 983Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a 984change. 985% 986Afternoon, n.: 987 That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the 988morning. 989% 990Age before beauty; and pearls before swine. 991 -- Dorothy Parker 992% 993Age, n.: 994 That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we 995still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise 996to commit. 997 -- Ambrose Bierce 998% 999Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball. 1000% 1001Ah, but the choice of dreams to live, 1002there's the rub. 1003 1004For all dreams are not equal, 1005some exit to nightmare 1006most end with the dreamer 1007 1008But at least one must be lived ... and died. 1009% 1010"Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the 1011Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact 1012that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately 1013unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep 1014up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers." 1015 -- A analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic 1016% 1017Air is water with holes in it. 1018% 1019Alas, I am dying beyond my means. 1020 -- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed 1021% 1022Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire 1023telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New 1024York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? 1025And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they 1026receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." 1027% 1028Alden's Laws: 1029 (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause 1030 of pregnancy. 1031 (2) Always be backlit. 1032 (3) Sit down whenever possible. 1033% 1034Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, 1035Aleph-null bottles of beer, 1036 You take one down, and pass it around, 1037Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall. 1038% 1039Alex Haley was adopted! 1040% 1041Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting 1042for a dial tone. 1043% 1044Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of 1045them keeps paying for it. 1046 -- Peggy Joyce 1047% 1048All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent 1049upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a 1050visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is 1051informing, stimulating and ennobling. 1052 -- H. L. Mencken 1053% 1054All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely 1055than others. 1056 -- Alan Truscott 1057% 1058All extremists should be taken out and shot. 1059% 1060All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing 1061without thinking. 1062% 1063"All flesh is grass" 1064 -- Isaiah 1065Smoke a friend today. 1066% 1067All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. 1068% 1069All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own 1070importance. 1071% 1072All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled 1073by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ... 1074% 1075All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. 1076 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 1077% 1078All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are 1079Socrates. 1080 -- Woody Allen 1081% 1082"All my friends and I are crazy. That's the only thing that keeps us 1083sane." 1084% 1085"All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more 1086specific." 1087 -- Jane Wagner 1088% 1089All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies. 1090 -- The Book of Bokonon / Kurt Vonnegut Jr. 1091% 1092All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of 1093the United States. 1094 -- Vic Gold 1095% 1096All power corrupts, but we need electricity. 1097% 1098All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. 1099% 1100All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of 1101every organism to live beyond its income. 1102 -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks" 1103% 1104All science is either physics or stamp collecting. 1105 -- E. Rutherford 1106% 1107"All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right 1108hands." 1109 -- Saint Patrick 1110% 1111All syllogisms have three parts; therefore this is not a syllogism. 1112% 1113All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, 1114too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you 1115subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you 1116can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. 1117Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax 1118decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What 1119if it rains?" 1120 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 1121% 1122"... all the modern inconveniences ..." 1123 -- Mark Twain 1124% 1125All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most 1126ridiculous ones. 1127 -- La Rochefoucauld 1128% 1129All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by 1130the government in less than a second. 1131 -- Jim Fiebig 1132% 1133All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. 1134 -- Sean O'Casey 1135% 1136All the world's a VAX, 1137And all the coders merely butchers; 1138They have their exits and their entrails; 1139And one int in his time plays many widths, 1140His sizeof being _N bytes. At first the infant, 1141Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms. 1142And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun, 1143And shining morning face, creeping like slug 1144Unwillingly to school. 1145 -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11 1146% 1147All theoretical chemistry is really physics; 1148and all theoretical chemists know it. 1149 -- Richard P. Feynman 1150% 1151All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door. 1152% 1153All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, it's for 1154fun. Money's just the way we keep score. 1155 -- Henry Tyroon 1156% 1157All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. 1158% 1159All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes 1160infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in 1161which he was born. 1162 -- Francois Fenelon 1163% 1164Alliance, n.: 1165 In international politics, the union of two thieves who have 1166their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot 1167separately plunder a third. 1168 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1169% 1170Alone, adj.: 1171 In bad company. 1172 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1173% 1174Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight 1175Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. 1176 -- Dave Barry 1177% 1178Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away. 1179% 1180Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, 1181mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have 1182any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place 1183to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, 1184Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a 1185serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the 1186same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely 1187that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A 1188penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job 1189running the post office. 1190 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 1191% 1192Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been 1193reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the 1194day-to-day life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable 1195interest to outdoor minded readers, as it contains many passages on 1196pheasant-raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, 1197and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper. 1198Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous 1199material in order to discover and savour those sidelights on the 1200management of a midland shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion 1201the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical 1202Gamekeeping." 1203 -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959) 1204% 1205Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid 1206back. 1207% 1208Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else. 1209% 1210"Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing 1211that way." 1212% 1213Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves. 1214% 1215 AMAZING BUT TRUE ... 1216 1217If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end 1218across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful. 1219% 1220 AMAZING BUT TRUE ... 1221 1222There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it 1223would completely cover the Sahara Desert. 1224% 1225Ambidextrous, adj.: 1226 Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. 1227 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1228% 1229Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. 1230 -- Charlie McCarthy 1231% 1232America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism 1233to decadence without touching civilization. 1234 -- John O'Hara 1235% 1236America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, 1237until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and 1238changed its name to "America". 1239 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 1240% 1241American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective 1242employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for 1243employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference 1244between the men's room and the women's room without having little 1245pictures on the doors. 1246 -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister" 1247% 1248"Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it." 1249% 1250An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because 1251people refuse to see it. 1252 -- James Michener, "Space" 1253% 1254An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but 1255is always polite to traffic cops. 1256% 1257An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to 1258New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but 1259not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax. 1260 -- David Letterman 1261% 1262An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away. 1263% 1264 An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He 1265knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with 1266great restraint. 1267 As he designs the first work, frill after frill and 1268embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away 1269to be used "next time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, 1270and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of 1271that class of systems, is ready to build a second system. 1272 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. 1273When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will 1274confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems, 1275and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that 1276are particular and not generalizable. 1277 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using 1278all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first 1279one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile". 1280 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" 1281% 1282An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it. 1283% 1284An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree 1285murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's 1286mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border. 1287Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the 1288suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a 1289murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..." 1290% 1291An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you 1292really care to know. 1293% 1294An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. 1295% 1296An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. 1297% 1298An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded 1299summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your 1300arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey 1301responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!" 1302% 1303An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. 1304 -- A. P. Herbert 1305% 1306An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He 1307wears a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is 1308advertised only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and 1309Rich Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in 1310incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote 1311excellence: 1312 1313"The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and 1314discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able 1315to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting 1316things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch 1317parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a 1318timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who 1319doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful. 1320Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high 1321school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as 1322successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and 1323they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha." 1324 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 1325% 1326An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future. 1327% 1328"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often 1329picturesque liar." 1330 -- Mark Twain 1331% 1332An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these 1333eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as 1334possible. 1335 -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann" 1336% 1337An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. 1338% 1339 An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity 1340in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. 1341 "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if 1342you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like 1343an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an 1344hour seems like a minute." 1345 The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a 1346moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?" 1347 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 1348% 1349"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge." 1350% 1351Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no 1352government at all. 1353% 1354And as we stand on the edge of darkness 1355Let our chant fill the void 1356That others may know 1357 1358 In the land of the night 1359 The ship of the sun 1360 Is drawn by 1361 The grateful dead. 1362 1363 -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC. 1364% 1365... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers. 1366% 1367And I heard Jeff exclaim, 1368As they strolled out of sight, 1369"Merry Christmas to all -- 1370You take credit cards, right?" 1371 -- "Outsiders" comic 1372% 1373... And malt does more than Milton can 1374To justify God's ways to man 1375 -- A. E. Housman 1376% 1377And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. 1378% 1379"... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of 1380your own." 1381 -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter 1382 Preposterous Words 1383% 1384And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and 1385fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it 1386looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One 1387approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin 1388is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then 1389of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides 1390gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this 1391procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom 1392youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and 1393Orson Welles. 1394 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" 1395% 1396"...and the fully armed nuclear warheads, are, of course, merely a 1397courtesy detail." 1398% 1399And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a 1400horizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical 1401columnar supports, which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, 1402ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the 1403world. 1404 -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men" 1405% 1406 "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" 1407asked the father of his little son. 1408 "Diet." 1409% 1410And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have 1411a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks 1412tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets 1413tragedy face to face, we have politics. 1414 -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, "Root Crops and 1415 Ground Cover" 1416% 1417Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes. 1418Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____needs heroes. 1419 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo" 1420% 1421Angels we have heard on High 1422Tell us to go out and Buy. 1423 -- Tom Lehrer 1424% 1425Ankh if you love Isis. 1426% 1427Anoint, v.: 1428 To grease a king or other great functionary already 1429sufficiently slippery. 1430 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1431% 1432 Another Glitch in the Call 1433 ------- ------ -- --- ---- 1434 (Sung to the tune of the classic Pink Floyd song.) 1435 1436We don't need no indirection 1437We don't need no flow control 1438No data typing or declarations 1439Did you leave the lists alone? 1440 1441 Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone! 1442 1443Chorus: 1444 All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. 1445 All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. 1446% 1447Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree. 1448% 1449Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but 1450television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom 1451and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that 1452offers whiter teeth *___and* fresher breath. 1453 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do" 1454% 1455 Answers to Last Fortune's Questions: 1456 1457(1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark). 1458(2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle. 1459(3) I don't know. 1460(4) Who cares? 1461(5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, 1462 Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. 1463(6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my 1464 book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and 1465 bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of 1466 Papyrus Books). 1467% 1468Anthony's Law of Force: 1469 Don't force it; get a larger hammer. 1470% 1471Anthony's Law of the Workshop: 1472 Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible 1473 corner of the workshop. 1474 1475Corollary: 1476 On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike 1477 your toes. 1478% 1479Antonym, n.: 1480 The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. 1481% 1482Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. 1483 -- Charles McCabe 1484% 1485Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a 1486representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a 1487representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone 1488capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously. 1489 -- Richard Schickel 1490% 1491Any excuse will serve a tyrant. 1492 -- Aesop 1493% 1494Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that 1495this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a 1496whole week. 1497% 1498Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to 1499sell it. 1500% 1501Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche 1502-- a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, 1503my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off 1504the fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was 1505undoubtedly true. 1506 -- Solomon Short 1507% 1508Any philosophy that can be put "in a nutshell" belongs there. 1509 -- Sydney J. Harris 1510% 1511Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger 1512object. 1513% 1514Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to 1515exactly the point of most pressure. 1516 -- Milt Barber 1517% 1518Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. 1519 -- Rich Kulawiec 1520% 1521Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged 1522demo. 1523 -- Andy Finkel, Commodore-Amiga, Inc. 1524% 1525Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. 1526 -- Arthur C. Clarke 1527% 1528Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked 1529something. 1530% 1531Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. 1532 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. 1533% 1534Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. 1535% 1536Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the sight of a police car is 1537probably parked. 1538% 1539Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire. 1540% 1541Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is 1542supposed to be doing at the moment. 1543 -- Robert Benchley 1544% 1545Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. 1546 -- Publius Syrus 1547% 1548Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with 1549none. 1550% 1551Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he 1552is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not 1553make messes in the house. 1554 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 1555% 1556Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. 1557 -- Samuel Goldwyn 1558% 1559Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad. 1560 -- W. C. Fields 1561% 1562Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no 1563account be allowed to do the job. 1564 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 1565% 1566Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never 1567tried taking candy from a baby. 1568 -- Robin Hood 1569% 1570Anything free is worth what you pay for it. 1571% 1572Anything is good if it's made of chocolate. 1573% 1574Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the 1575price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" 1576means the price went way up. 1577% 1578Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate. 1579% 1580Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. 1581% 1582"Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution" 1583% 1584Aphorism, n.: 1585 A concise, clever statement. 1586Afterism, n.: 1587 A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. 1588 -- James Alexander Thom 1589% 1590APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of 1591the future for the problems of the past: it creates a new generation of 1592coding bums. 1593% 1594APL is a write-only language. I can write programs in APL, but I 1595can't read any of them. 1596 -- Roy Keir 1597% 1598Aquadextrous, adj.: 1599 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off 1600with your toes. 1601 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 1602% 1603AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) 1604 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. 1605 You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to 1606 be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same 1607 mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid. 1608% 1609Arbitrary systems, pl.n.: 1610 Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing 1611general can be said." 1612% 1613ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE -- 1614 FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE 1615% 1616Are you a turtle? 1617% 1618"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive." 1619 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 1620% 1621ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) 1622 You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You 1623 are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are 1624 not very nice. 1625% 1626Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your 1627shoes. 1628 -- Mickey Mouse 1629% 1630Armadillo: 1631 To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle 1632% 1633Arnold's Laws of Documentation: 1634 (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. 1635 (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. 1636 (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the 1637 first two laws. 1638% 1639Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to 1640measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you 1641imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long? 1642 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 1643% 1644Art is anything you can get away with. 1645 -- Marshall McLuhan. 1646% 1647Art is either plagiarism or revolution. 1648 -- Paul Gauguin 1649% 1650Arthur's Laws of Love: 1651 (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you 1652 remind them of someone else. 1653 (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be 1654 delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of 1655 yourself in person. 1656% 1657Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum. 1658% 1659As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are 1660interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick 1661perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, 1662"that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" 1663 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 1664% 1665As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual 1666certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I 1667became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can 1668meet girls. 1669 -- Matt Cartmill 1670% 1671As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not 1672certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. 1673 -- Albert Einstein 1674% 1675As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. 1676 -- Weisert 1677% 1678As I was going up Punch Card Hill, 1679 Feeling worse and worser, 1680There I met a C.R.T. 1681 And it drop't me a cursor. 1682 1683C.R.T., C.R.T., 1684 Phosphors light on you! 1685If I had fifty hours a day 1686 I'd spend them all at you. 1687 1688 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes 1689% 1690As I was passing Project MAC, 1691I met a Quux with seven hacks. 1692Every hack had seven bugs; 1693Every bug had seven manifestations; 1694Every manifestation had seven symptoms. 1695Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks, 1696How many losses at Project MAC? 1697% 1698As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great 1699industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free 1700speech and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to 1701myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a 1702real American talk like that. 1703 -- Frank Hague (1896-1956) 1704% 1705As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? 1706% 1707As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its 1708fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be 1709popular. 1710 -- Oscar Wilde 1711% 1712As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. 1713% 1714"As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 1715programs; a process that traditionally requires some debugging." 1716 -- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new 1717 computer system. 1718% 1719As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it 1720wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had 1721to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized 1722that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in 1723finding mistakes in my own programs. 1724 -- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949 1725% 1726As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's 1727so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. 1728 -- Woody Allen 1729% 1730As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there 1731is always a future in Computer Maintenance. 1732 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 1733% 1734As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such thing as a free 1735variable." 1736% 1737As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple 1738memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time 1739to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, 1740E, or U is the proper time for chocolate. 1741 -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion" 1742% 1743As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would 1744interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the 1745Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure 1746out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on 1747Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual 1748organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result, 1749birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never 1750see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and 1751stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations 1752with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are 1753talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both 1754highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant. 1755 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 1756 Teen Should Know" 1757% 1758As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull 1759your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you. 1760The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along 1761with your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall 1762from the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all 1763over the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of 1764a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the 1765spider is suing you for damages. 1766% 1767As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself." 1768% 1769ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS. 1770% 1771Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if 1772one went to Harvard). 1773 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 1774% 1775Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls. 1776% 1777Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the 1778Station-to-Station rate. 1779% 1780Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the 1781bathtub, it tolls for thee. 1782% 1783Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell" 1784for an answer. 1785% 1786"Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old 1787woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it, 1788she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'" 1789 -- David Letterman 1790% 1791Ass, n.: 1792 The masculine of "lass". 1793% 1794Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. 1795Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be 1796strengthened. Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum. 1797Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check 1798and dying broke. 1799 -- Stanley Walker 1800% 1801"At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los 1802Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head 1803under the exhaust of a bus until he revived." 1804% 1805At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is 1806not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where 1807it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest. 1808 -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow 1809% 1810At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial 1811challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. 1812 -- The Washington Post Magazine, 9 June, 1985 1813% 1814At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. 1815 -- J. B. White 1816% 1817"At least they're ___________EXPERIENCED incompetents" 1818% 1819At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his 1820thumb with a hammer. 1821 -- Marshall Lumsden 1822% 1823At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will 1824find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on 1825the computer. 1826% 1827Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole 1828or street lamp. 1829% 1830Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. 1831 -- Winston Churchill 1832% 1833Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever 1834depths they were once able to plumb. 1835 -- Stanley Kaufman 1836% 1837Automobile, n.: 1838 A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians. 1839% 1840Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. 1841 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 1842% 1843Avoid reality at all costs. 1844% 1845Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but 1846we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you. 1847 -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student 1848% 1849Bacchus, n.: 1850 A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for 1851getting drunk. 1852 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1853% 1854Bagbiter: 1855 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually 1856intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This 1857bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on 1858obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the 1859bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS, 1860CHOMPER, CHOMPING. 1861% 1862Bagdikian's Observation: 1863 Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American 1864newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a 1865ukulele. 1866% 1867Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: 1868 A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides 1869by governors. 1870% 1871Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare. 1872% 1873Banectomy, n.: 1874 The removal of bruises on a banana. 1875 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 1876% 1877Bank error in your favor. Collect $200. 1878% 1879Barach's Rule: 1880 An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician. 1881% 1882Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the 1883floor -- especially in the dark. 1884% 1885Barometer, n.: 1886 An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we 1887are having. 1888 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1889% 1890Barth's Distinction: 1891 There are two types of people: those who divide people into two 1892types, and those who don't. 1893% 1894Baruch's Observation: 1895 If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. 1896% 1897Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high 1898taxes. 1899 -- Will Rogers 1900% 1901Basic is a high level languish. 1902APL is a high level anguish. 1903% 1904"BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of `Scientific Creationism'." 1905% 1906BASIC, n.: 1907 A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in 1908that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. 1909% 1910Bathquake, n.: 1911 The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water 1912faucet is turned on to a certain point. 1913 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 1914% 1915Be a better psychiatrist and the world will beat a psychopath to your 1916door. 1917% 1918BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...) 1919% 1920Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely 1921get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your 1922face. 1923 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 1924% 1925Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps. 1926% 1927Be careful of reading health books. You might die of a misprint. 1928 -- Mark Twain 1929% 1930Be different: conform. 1931% 1932Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so 1933get used to it. 1934% 1935Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake. 1936% 1937Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and 1938miss 1939 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 1940% 1941Bees are very busy souls 1942They have no time for birth controls 1943And that is why in times like these 1944There are so many Sons of Bees. 1945% 1946 Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and 1947took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his 1948followers. 1949 One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and 1950there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing. 1951 "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his 1952commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your 1953Purpose in Life, anyway?" 1954 Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The 1955Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.) 1956 Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. 1957 Primarily because nobody understood Chinese. 1958 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" 1959% 1960Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego. 1961% 1962Begathon, n.: 1963 A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so 1964you won't have to watch commercials. 1965% 1966Behold the warranty ... the bold print giveth and the fine print taketh 1967away. 1968% 1969Beifeld's Principle: 1970 The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and 1971 receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression 1972 when he is already in the company of: 1973 (1) a date, 1974 (2) his wife, 1975 (3) a better looking and richer male friend. 1976% 1977"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff> 1978% 1979Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone. 1980% 1981Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: 1982 (1) Houses are for people to live in. 1983 (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. 1984 (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant. 1985% 1986"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence" 1987 -- Time Bandits 1988% 1989Besides the device, the box should contain: 1990 1991* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" 1992 1993* A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets and two 1994 club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. 1995 1996YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram 1997cable. 1998 1999IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your 2000spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car 2001that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King 2002without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's 2003why." 2004 2005WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. 2006 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" 2007% 2008Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon. 2009% 2010better !pout !cry 2011better watchout 2012lpr why 2013santa claus < north pole > town 2014 2015cat /etc/passwd > list 2016ncheck list 2017ncheck list 2018cat list | grep naughty > nogiftlist 2019cat list | grep nice > giftlist 2020santa claus < north pole > town 2021 2022who | grep sleeping 2023who | grep awake 2024who | egrep 'bad|good' 2025for (goodness sake) { 2026 be good 2027} 2028% 2029Better dead than mellow. 2030% 2031Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson 2032Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. 2033Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and 2034great effort pushing boulders into a single word. 2035 2036It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow. 2037Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin 2038equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the 2039destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass 2040both Parliament and Party. 2041 2042It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other 2043planets, this may be the first message received from us. 2044 -- The Realist, November, 1964. 2045% 2046Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not 2047tried it. 2048 -- Donald Knuth 2049% 2050Beware of computerized fortune-tellers! 2051% 2052Beware of low-flying butterflies. 2053% 2054Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. 2055 -- Leonard Brandwein 2056% 2057Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a 2058drip under pressure. 2059% 2060"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and 2061finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of 2062murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by 2063their ignorance the hard way." 2064 -- Kurt Vonnegut, "Cat's Cradle" 2065% 2066Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything is possible but 2067nothing of interest is easy. 2068% 2069Binary, adj.: 2070 Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes. 2071% 2072Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same 2073thing as division. 2074% 2075Bipolar, adj.: 2076 Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, 2077New York 2078% 2079Birth, n.: 2080 The first and direst of all disasters. 2081 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2082% 2083Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic. 2084% 2085Bizoos, n.: 2086 The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a 2087basketball. 2088 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 2089% 2090... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ... 2091% 2092Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. 2093 -- Herbert Hoover 2094% 2095Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, 2096for they Shall be Known as Wheels. 2097% 2098BLISS is ignorance. 2099% 2100Blood flows down one leg and up the other. 2101% 2102Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier. 2103% 2104Blore's Razor: 2105 Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is 2106funnier. 2107% 2108Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in 2109plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has 2110it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was 2111arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept 2112throwing up on them. 2113% 2114Boling's postulate: 2115 If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. 2116% 2117Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: 2118 Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so 2119 vividly manifests their lack of progress. 2120% 2121Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: 2122 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 2123% 2124BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH! 2125% 2126Boob's Law: 2127 You always find something in the last place you look. 2128% 2129Bore, n.: 2130 A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary. 2131 -- Walter Winchell 2132% 2133Bore, n.: 2134 A person who talks when you wish him to listen. 2135 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2136% 2137Boren's Laws: 2138 (1) When in charge, ponder. 2139 (2) When in trouble, delegate. 2140 (3) When in doubt, mumble. 2141% 2142Boss, n.: 2143 According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages 2144 the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, 2145 in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an 2146 ornamental stud." 2147% 2148Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry 2149that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation 2150straightened out for a crowbar. 2151 -- O. W. Holmes 2152% 2153Boston, n.: 2154 Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for 2155 finishing second in the Irish jig competition. 2156% 2157Boy, life takes a long time to live 2158 -- Steven Wright 2159% 2160Boy, n.: 2161 A noise with dirt on it. 2162% 2163Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least 2164when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years. 2165 -- James Thurber 2166% 2167Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. 2168 -- Kin Hubbard 2169% 2170Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the 2171unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only 2172(gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend 2173to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.' 2174 -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking Style" 2175% 2176Bradley's Bromide: 2177 If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a 2178 committee -- that will do them in. 2179% 2180Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: 2181 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more 2182 easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger 2183 have handled this?" 2184% 2185Brain fried -- Core dumped 2186% 2187Brain, n.: 2188 The apparatus with which we think that we think. 2189 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2190% 2191Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]: 2192 To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of 2193 error in an opponent. 2194 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2195% 2196Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, 2197since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind. 2198 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 2199% 2200Bride, n.: 2201 A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. 2202 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2203% 2204Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may 2205revitalize the corner saloon. 2206% 2207British Israelites: 2208 The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of 2209Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by 2210Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further 2211believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the 2212Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in 2213the hand of the Arabs. They also believe that if you sleep with your 2214head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth. 2215 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 2216% 2217Broad-mindedness, n.: 2218 The result of flattening high-mindedness out. 2219% 2220Brontosaurus Principle: 2221 Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them 2222in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when 2223this occurs, they are an endangered species. 2224 -- Thomas K. Connellan 2225% 2226Brook's Law: 2227 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later 2228% 2229Brooke's Law: 2230 Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool 2231 discovers something which either abolishes the system or 2232 expands it beyond recognition. 2233% 2234Bubble Memory, n.: 2235 A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's 2236 intelligence. See also "vacuum tube". 2237% 2238Bucy's Law: 2239 Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. 2240% 2241Bug, n.: 2242 An aspect of a computer program which exists because the 2243programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he 2244wrote the program. 2245 2246Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed. 2247 -- Ray Simard 2248% 2249Bugs, pl. n.: 2250 Small living things that small living boys throw on small 2251living girls. 2252% 2253BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the 2254 outfit." 2255GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?" 2256BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive." 2257 -- Jay Ward 2258% 2259Bumper sticker: 2260 2261"All the parts falling off this car are of the very finest British 2262manufacture" 2263% 2264Bureaucrat, n.: 2265 A person who cuts red tape sideways. 2266 -- J. McCabe 2267% 2268Bureaucrat, n.: 2269 A politician who has tenure. 2270% 2271Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise. 2272% 2273Burns' Hog Weighing Method: 2274 (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a 2275 sawhorse. 2276 (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank. 2277 (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again 2278 perfectly balanced. 2279 (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks. 2280 -- Robert Burns 2281% 2282 But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can 2283easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed 2284and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) 2285upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was 2286without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based 2287on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court 2288was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and 2289sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, 2290human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. 2291 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2292% 2293"But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations 2294paws." 2295% 2296"But I don't like Spam!!!!" 2297% 2298 But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human 2299intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as 2300we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues 2301that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding 2302of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard 2303example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- 2304makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing 2305whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a 2306finite or an infinite number. 2307 -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds" 2308% 2309But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the 2310system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, 2311analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. 2312 -- Bruce Leverett, "Register Allocation in Optimizing 2313 Compilers" 2314% 2315"But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast 2316to the nearest gas station." 2317% 2318But scientists, who ought to know 2319Assure us that it must be so. 2320Oh, let us never, never doubt 2321What nobody is sure about. 2322 -- Hilaire Belloc 2323% 2324But soft you, the fair Ophelia: 2325Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, 2326But get thee to a nunnery -- go! 2327 -- Mark "The Bard" Twain 2328% 2329But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who 2330was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal 2331education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 23321877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of 2333American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was 2334invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he 2335invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant 2336adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends 2337electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the 2338electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant 2339part) sends it right back to the customer again. 2340 2341This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch 2342of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since 2343very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. 2344In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United 2345States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it 2346ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate 2347increases. 2348 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 2349% 2350But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad 2351place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge. 2352Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What is a 2353kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs, 2354poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? Have I 2355explained yet about the bytes? 2356% 2357... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject. 2358 -- Virginia Masters 2359% 2360"But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable 2361computers?" 2362% 2363Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes 2364Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn; 2365Less dear than army ants in apple pies 2366Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn, 2367Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit; 2368Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose 2369They suck, and like the double-breasted suit 2370Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose, 2371Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed; 2372And stem the produce of thy waspish wits: 2373Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed; 2374Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits. 2375Be off, I say; go bug somebody new, 2376Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you. 2377% 2378By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task 2379completely overwhelm you. 2380% 2381By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. In fact, 2382it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others as it is to 2383invent. 2384 -- R. Emerson 2385 -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program 2386 (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.") 2387 [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to 2388 misconstrue all these misquotations?!?"] 2389% 2390By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began 2391to suspect "Hungry" ... 2392 -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side" 2393% 2394By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's, I 2395mean. 2396 -- Mark Twain 2397% 2398Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to 2399point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very 2400fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are 2401often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people 2402from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B 2403that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____there. They often 2404wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell 2405they wanted to be. 2406 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 2407% 2408C, n.: 2409 A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more like 2410 assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or anything 2411 else. It is either the best language available to the art today, or 2412 it isn't. 2413 -- Ray Simard 2414% 2415Cabbage, n.: 2416 A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as 2417 a man's head. 2418 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2419% 2420Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception. 2421 -- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989 2422% 2423Cahn's Axiom: 2424 When all else fails, read the instructions. 2425% 2426California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange. 2427 -- Fred Allen 2428% 2429California, n.: 2430 From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or 2431Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or 2432"fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." 2433 -- Ed Moran 2434% 2435Call on God, but row away from the rocks. 2436 -- Indian proverb 2437% 2438Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missile sighted, target 2439Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept. 2440% 2441Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle. 2442 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth 2443% 2444Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth 2445Corner, Vermont. 2446 -- Clarence Darrow 2447% 2448Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two 2449points. 2450 -- M. M. Johnston 2451% 2452Canada Bill Jone's Motto: 2453 It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. 2454 2455Supplement: 2456 A .44 magnum beats four aces. 2457% 2458Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. It's 2 cents 2459for postage and 30 cents for storage. 2460 -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post 2461% 2462Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain? 2463Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes, 2464A root or two, a torus and a node: 2465The inverse of my verse, a null domain. 2466 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 2467% 2468CANCER (June 21 - July 22) 2469 You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's problems. 2470 They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. 2471 That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare 2472 recipients are Cancer people. 2473% 2474Canonical, adj.: 2475 The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true 2476story: One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some 2477annoyance at the use of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a 2478point of using jargon as much as possible in his presence, and 2479eventually it began to sink in. Finally, in one conversation, he used 2480the word "canonical" in jargon-like fashion without thinking. 2481 Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!" 2482 Stallman: "What did he say?" 2483 Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way." 2484% 2485CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) 2486 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do much 2487 of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any 2488 importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as 2489 they take root and become trees. 2490% 2491Captain Penny's Law: 2492 You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of 2493 the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. 2494% 2495Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than 2496expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to 2497complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their 2498planning to reduce the time it takes. 2499% 2500Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and 2501trousers that don't match. 2502% 2503Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.: 2504 The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a dozen 2505 times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting 2506 it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 2507 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 2508% 2509Cat, n.: 2510 Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer. 2511% 2512Cauliflower is nothing but Cabbage with a College Education. 2513 -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson" 2514% 2515Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health. 2516% 2517CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. 2518% 2519Cecil, you're my final hope 2520Of finding out the true Straight Dope 2521For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat 2522But none of my cats are at all like that. 2523This unusual animal (so it is said) 2524Is simultaneously alive and dead! 2525What I don't understand is just why he 2526Can't be one or the other, unquestionably. 2527My future now hangs in between eigenstates. 2528In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't. 2529If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way 2530And rescue my psyche from quantum decay. 2531But if this queer thing has perplexed even you, 2532Then I will *___and* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo. 2533 -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium 2534 of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams 2535% 2536Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. 2537% 2538Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the 2539center of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation 2540works. An incorrect model can be a useful tool. 2541 -- Kelvin Throop III 2542% 2543Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, 2544how many? 2545% 2546Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. 2547Jaka: Look, Cerebus-- Jaka has to tell you ... something 2548Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy 2549 out of it? 2550Jaka: Ugh! 2551Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy? 2552 -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret" 2553% 2554Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long 2555walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They 2556then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy 2557health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, 2558not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find 2559only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the 2560others who have tried it. 2561 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2562% 2563Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, 2564But it's very funny-- 2565Did you ever try buying them without money? 2566 -- Ogden Nash 2567% 2568 Chapter 1 2569 2570The story so far: 2571 2572 In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot 2573of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. 2574% 2575Character Density, n.: 2576 The number of very weird people in the office. 2577% 2578Checkuary, n.: 2579 The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends 2580 when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks. 2581% 2582Chef, n.: 2583 Any cook who swears in French. 2584% 2585Chemicals, n.: 2586 Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. 2587% 2588Chemistry is applied theology. 2589 -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III 2590% 2591Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire. 2592% 2593Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36: 2594 Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn 2595headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer". 2596 -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81 2597% 2598Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84: 2599 The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request 2600for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will 2601cheerfully baste you. 2602 -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82 2603% 2604Chicago, n.: 2605 Where the dead still vote ... early and often! 2606% 2607Chicken Little only has to be right once. 2608% 2609Chicken Little was right. 2610% 2611Chicken Soup, n.: 2612 An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, 2613 cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup 2614 can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother. 2615 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 2616% 2617Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every 2618effort to teach them good manners. 2619% 2620Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're 2621going to catch you in next. 2622 -- Franklin P. Jones 2623% 2624Children aren't happy without something to ignore, 2625And that's what parents were created for. 2626 -- Ogden Nash 2627% 2628Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for 2629word what you shouldn't have said. 2630% 2631Chism's Law of Completion: 2632 The amount of time required to complete a government project is 2633 precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it. 2634% 2635Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: 2636 When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. 2637% 2638Chivalry, Schmivalry! 2639 Roger the thief has a 2640 method he uses for 2641 sneaky attacks: 2642Folks who are reading are 2643 Characteristically 2644 Always Forgetting to 2645 Guard their own bac ... 2646% 2647Christ: 2648 A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time. 2649% 2650Churchill's Commentary on Man: 2651 Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the 2652 time he will pick himself up and continue on. 2653% 2654Cigarette, n.: 2655 A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in 2656 between. 2657% 2658Cinemuck, n.: 2659 The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which 2660 covers the floors of movie theaters. 2661 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 2662% 2663Clairvoyant, n.: 2664 A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that 2665 which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead. 2666 -- Ambrose Bierce 2667% 2668Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like 2669shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. 2670 -- Phyllis Diller 2671% 2672Cleanliness is next to impossible. 2673% 2674Cleveland still lives. God ____must be dead. 2675% 2676"Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day." 2677% 2678Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. 2679% 2680Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on 2681society. 2682 -- Mark Twain 2683% 2684COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance. 2685% 2686Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan. 2687% 2688Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- 2689"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am." 2690 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2691% 2692"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong." 2693 -- Blair Houghton 2694% 2695Coincidence, n.: 2696 You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was 2697 going on. 2698% 2699Coincidences are spiritual puns. 2700 -- G. K. Chesterton 2701% 2702Cold, adj.: 2703 When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions. 2704% 2705Cold, adj.: 2706 When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own 2707pockets. 2708% 2709Collaboration, n.: 2710 A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the 2711 other fellow can spell. 2712% 2713College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the 2714faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if 2715the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, 2716legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the 2717loss to humanity. 2718 -- H. L. Mencken 2719% 2720Colvard's Logical Premises: 2721 All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it 2722 won't. 2723 2724Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: 2725 This is especially true when dealing with someone you're 2726 attracted to. 2727 2728Grelb's Commentary 2729 Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. 2730% 2731Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, 2732And every vector dreams of matrices. 2733Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: 2734It whispers of a more ergodic zone. 2735 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 2736% 2737Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, 2738Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, 2739Their indices bedecked from one to _n, 2740Commingled in an endless Markov chain! 2741 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 2742% 2743Command, n.: 2744 Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in 2745such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control. 2746% 2747 COMMENT 2748 2749Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song, 2750A medley of extemporanea; 2751And love is thing that can never go wrong; 2752And I am Marie of Roumania. 2753 -- Dorothy Parker 2754% 2755Commitment, n.: 2756 Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. 2757 The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. 2758% 2759Committee Rules: 2760 (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner. 2761 (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this 2762 stamps you as being wise. 2763 (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the 2764 others. 2765 (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed. 2766 (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you 2767 popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for. 2768% 2769Committee, n.: 2770 A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group 2771 decide that nothing can be done. 2772 -- Fred Allen 2773% 2774Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to 2775be appointed to do the work. 2776% 2777Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at 2778different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. 2779 -- Clive James 2780% 2781Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius. 2782 -- Josh Billings 2783% 2784Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. 2785 -- Albert Einstein 2786% 2787Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness 2788of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule." 2789 -- David Guaspari 2790% 2791Computer programmers do it byte by byte. 2792% 2793Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems 2794theory. 2795% 2796Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. 2797% 2798Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. 2799 -- Pablo Picasso 2800% 2801Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in 2802the world that just don't add up. 2803% 2804Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more 2805than the estimate the job will cost. 2806% 2807Conceit causes more conversation than wit. 2808 -- LaRouchefoucauld 2809% 2810Concept, n.: 2811 Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than 2812 $25,000. 2813% 2814... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this 2815business, it probably would be gibberish. 2816 -- Thom McLeod 2817% 2818Condense soup, not books! 2819% 2820Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is 2821good for dandruff. 2822 -- Peter de Vries 2823% 2824Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. 2825% 2826Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that 2827would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that 2828you undoubtably will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer 2829maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS 2830OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY 2831UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED 2832IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD 2833WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND 2834SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, 2835RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, 2836RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE 2837FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT? 2838 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" 2839% 2840Connector Conspiracy, n: 2841 [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the 2842KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of 2843manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything) 2844to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old 2845stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive 2846interface devices. 2847% 2848Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. 2849 -- H. L. Mencken 2850% 2851Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking. 2852 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy" 2853% 2854Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. 2855% 2856Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you 2857wish you weren't. 2858% 2859"Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich." 2860 -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones] 2861% 2862Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then 2863give it back to them. 2864% 2865"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and 2866if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" 2867 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 2868% 2869"Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern 2870technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat." 2871% 2872Conversation, n.: 2873 A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath 2874 is called the listener. 2875% 2876Conway's Law: 2877 In any organization there will always be one person who knows 2878 what is going on. 2879 2880 This person must be fired. 2881% 2882Coronation, n.: 2883 The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible 2884 signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb. 2885 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2886% 2887Corrupt, adj.: 2888 In politics, holding an office of trust or profit. 2889% 2890Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a 2891muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can 2892make of capitalism. 2893 -- Walter Lippmann 2894% 2895Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job 2896is to enforce the law and fight crime. 2897 -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan 2898% 2899Court, n.: 2900 A place where they dispense with justice. 2901 -- Arthur Train 2902% 2903Coward, n.: 2904 One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. 2905 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2906% 2907[Crash programs] fail because they are based on the theory that, with 2908nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. 2909 -- Wernher von Braun 2910% 2911Crime does not pay ... as well as politics. 2912 -- A. E. Newman 2913% 2914Critic, n.: 2915 A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries 2916 to please him. 2917 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2918% 2919Croll's Query: 2920 If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of? 2921% 2922cursor address, n: 2923 "Hello, cursor!" 2924 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 2925% 2926Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It 2927eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the 2928business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation. 2929 -- Johnny Hart 2930% 2931Cynic, n.: 2932 A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as 2933 they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking 2934 out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. 2935 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2936% 2937Cynic, n.: 2938 One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye. 2939% 2940Dare to be naive. 2941 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 2942% 2943Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. 2944% 2945Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par." 2946Allen Gwinn: "Yours is." 2947% 2948Dawn, n.: 2949 The time when men of reason go to bed. 2950 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 2951% 2952Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed. 2953% 2954%DCL-E-MEMBAD, bad memory 2955-VMS-F-PDGERS, pudding between the ears 2956% 2957Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. Success is also 2958easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to 2959improve. 2960% 2961Dear Lord: 2962 I just want *___one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On 2963the other hand", again. 2964% 2965Dear Miss Manners: 2966 My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's 2967elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between 2968courses, is all right. Which is correct? 2969 2970Gentle Reader: 2971 For the purpose of answering examinations in your home 2972economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this 2973principle of education may be of even greater importance to you now 2974than learning correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners 2975believes that is. 2976% 2977Dear Miss Manners: 2978 Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from 2979your face. 2980 2981Gentle Reader: 2982 Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on 2983your face ... 2984% 2985Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part 2986of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old 2987will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a 2988commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as 2989"Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a 2990table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always 2991says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Don't that really mean, 2992"Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this 2993complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim 2994if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a 2995dead bat? 2996 2997Answer: Yes. 2998 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 2999% 3000Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? 3001 3002Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business 3003signs to alert the reader that an "S" is coming up at the end of a 3004word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR 3005ANY ITEM'S. Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when 3006creating hand-lettered small-business signs is that you should put 3007quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT 3008DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S. 3009 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 3010% 3011Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. 3012% 3013Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. 3014 -- R. Geis 3015% 3016Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings. 3017% 3018Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'. 3019% 3020Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. 3021% 3022Death is only a state of mind. 3023 3024Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else. 3025% 3026Death to all fanatics! 3027% 3028Decision maker, n.: 3029 The person in your office who was unable to form a task force 3030 before the music stopped. 3031% 3032Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really 3033overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene 3034language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the 3035judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when 3036addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang). 3037 -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc. 3038% 3039 Deck Us All With Boston Charlie 3040 3041Deck us all with Boston Charlie, 3042Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo! 3043Nora's freezin' on the trolley, 3044Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo! 3045 3046Don't we know archaic barrel, 3047Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou. 3048Trolley Molly don't love Harold, 3049Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo! 3050 -- Walt Kelly 3051% 3052"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of 3053marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a 3054theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, 3055those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly 3056blessed. 3057 -- Randy Davis 3058% 3059default, n.: 3060 [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you, 3061mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will 3062come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear. 3063 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 3064% 3065#define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255) 3066#define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \ 3067 - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \ 3068 - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111)) 3069 3070 -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word 3071% 3072 DELETE A FORTUNE! 3073 3074Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like 3075to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to 3076"fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it 3077gets expunged. 3078% 3079Deliberation, n.: 3080 The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is 3081buttered on. 3082 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3083% 3084"Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow." 3085% 3086Demand the establishment of the government 3087in its rightful home at Disneyland. 3088% 3089Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than 3090we deserve. 3091 -- George Bernard Shaw 3092% 3093Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder 3094aloud what the country could do under first-class management. 3095 -- Senator Soaper 3096% 3097Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the 3098incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. 3099 -- G. B. Shaw 3100% 3101Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you 3102don't think. 3103% 3104Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by 3105Jackasses. 3106 -- H. L. Mencken 3107% 3108Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse. 3109 -- Jawaharlal Nehru 3110% 3111Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people 3112are right more than half of the time. 3113 -- E. B. White 3114% 3115Democracy: 3116 A government of the masses. 3117 Authority derived through mass meeting or any other form of 3118"direct" expression. 3119 Results in mobocracy. 3120 Attitude toward property is communistic - negating property 3121rights. 3122 Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall 3123regulate, whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion, 3124prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences. 3125 Results in demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy. 3126 -- U.S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928), 3127 since withdrawn. 3128% 3129Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the 3130board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls. 3131% 3132Dentist, n.: 3133 A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls 3134 coins out of one's pockets. 3135 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3136% 3137Despising machines to a man, 3138The Luddites joined up with the Klan, 3139 And ride out by night 3140 In a sheeting of white 3141To lynch all the robots they can. 3142 -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson 3143% 3144Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will 3145be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over 3146the table. 3147 -- The Anarchist Cookbook 3148% 3149 DETERIORATA 3150 3151Go placidly amid the noise and waste, 3152And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. 3153Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. 3154Rotate your tires. 3155Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself, 3156And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys. 3157Know what to kiss -- and when. 3158Remember that two wrongs never make a right, 3159But that three do. 3160Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD". 3161Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment, 3162And despite the changing fortunes of time, 3163There is always a big future in computer maintenance. 3164 3165 You are a fluke of the universe ... 3166 You have no right to be here. 3167 Whether you can hear it or not, the universe 3168 Is laughing behind your back. 3169 -- National Lampoon 3170% 3171DeVries's Dilemma: 3172 If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want 3173 hits the paper. 3174% 3175Did I say 2? I lied. 3176% 3177Did you know ... 3178 3179That no-one ever reads these things? 3180% 3181Did you know that clones never use mirrors? 3182 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3183% 3184Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined 3185them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction? 3186% 3187Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot 3188that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states: 3189 3190 "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and 3191 squirrel." 3192 3193 -- ihuxw!tommyo 3194% 3195Die, v.: 3196 To stop sinning suddenly. 3197 -- Elbert Hubbard 3198% 3199"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a 3200conventional thing to happen to him." 3201 -- John Barrymore's dying words 3202% 3203Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little. 3204% 3205Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. 3206Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. 3207% 3208Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. 3209% 3210Disc space -- the final frontier! 3211% 3212Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be 3213yours too." 3214 -- Dave Haynie 3215% 3216Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my 3217employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely 3218coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is 3219non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the 3220absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. 3221The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for 3222the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, 3223non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.) 3224% 3225Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. 3226% 3227Distinctive, adj.: 3228 A different color or shape than our competitors. 3229% 3230Distress, n.: 3231 A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. 3232 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3233% 3234District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape 3235injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any 3236damage inflicted on the vehicle. 3237% 3238Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? 3239% 3240Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? 3241% 3242Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. 3243% 3244Do not drink coffee in early a.m. It will keep you awake until noon. 3245% 3246Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to 3247anger. 3248% 3249"Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good 3250with ketchup." 3251% 3252Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. 3253Violators will be prosecuted. 3254(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.)) 3255% 3256Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight. 3257% 3258Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each 3259day as it comes. 3260 -- Donald Kaul 3261% 3262Do something unusual today. Pay a bill. 3263% 3264Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. 3265% 3266Do you have lysdexia? 3267% 3268Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take 3269the time to take the dirt out of them? 3270% 3271"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?" 3272"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" 3273"I've never done anything illegal before." 3274"I thought you said you were an accountant!" 3275% 3276Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and 3277when it is bad, it is better than nothing. 3278 -- Dick Brandon 3279% 3280Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must 3281be good because the programmers hate it so much. 3282% 3283Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 3284% 3285Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow. 3286% 3287Don't be humble ... you're not that great. 3288 -- Golda Meir 3289% 3290Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. 3291% 3292Don't change the reason, just change the excuses! 3293 -- Joe Cointment 3294% 3295"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, 3296sincerely, extremely dangerously. 3297 3298They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. 3299They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They 3300used intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used 3301finks. They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used 3302fallaron. They used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. 3303They used the bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. 3304They used treachery. They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. 3305They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And 3306what the hell, they caught him. 3307 3308 -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man" 3309% 3310Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today! 3311% 3312Don't feed the bats tonight. 3313% 3314Don't get even -- get odd! 3315% 3316Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly 3317misleading. Debug only code. 3318 -- Dave Storer 3319% 3320Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes 3321you nothing. It was here first. 3322 -- Mark Twain 3323% 3324Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while. 3325% 3326Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. 3327% 3328Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier. 3329% 3330Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today. 3331% 3332Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam. 3333% 3334Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance. 3335% 3336Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone. 3337% 3338Don't look back, the lemmings are gaining on you. 3339% 3340Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy 3341it today you can do it again tomorrow. 3342% 3343Don't say "yes" until I finish talking. 3344 -- Darryl F. Zanuck 3345% 3346Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. 3347Cheat. 3348 -- Ambrose Bierce 3349% 3350Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in! 3351 -- "Brazil" 3352% 3353Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent. 3354 -- Walt Kelly 3355% 3356Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out of it alive. 3357% 3358Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. 3359% 3360"Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to 3361get more wax!!" 3362% 3363Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts 3364avoiding you. 3365 -- The Old Farmer's Almanac 3366% 3367Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any 3368good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. 3369 -- Howard Aiken 3370% 3371Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already 3372tomorrow in Australia. 3373 -- Charles Schultz 3374% 3375Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too 3376busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. 3377% 3378Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in? 3379% 3380Don Ameche: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she 3381 pretty? 3382W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of 3383 bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to 3384 sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia. 3385Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative. 3386W. C.: It's almost impossible. 3387 -- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson 3388 E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles" 3389% 3390 Double Bucky 3391 (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie") 3392 3393Double bucky, you're the one! 3394You make my keyboard lots of fun 3395 Double bucky, an additional bit or two: 3396(Vo-vo-de-o!) 3397Control and Meta side by side, 3398Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide! 3399 Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few! 3400 3401Oh, I sure wish that I, 3402Had a couple of bits more! 3403Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four. 3404 3405Double bucky, left and right 3406OR'd together, outta sight! 3407 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of 3408 Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of 3409 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you! 3410 3411 -- (C) 1978 by Guy L. Steele, Jr. 3412 (to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit 3413 be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use 3414 by screen editors. [to the tune of "Rubber Ducky"]) 3415 3416% 3417Double-Blind Experiment, n.: 3418 An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is 3419fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a 3420strong belief in the tooth fairy. 3421% 3422Down with categorical imperative! 3423% 3424Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. 3425% 3426Drew's Law of Highway Biology: 3427 The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front 3428 of your eyes. 3429% 3430Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *__is* fun trying. 3431% 3432Drive defensively. Buy a tank. 3433% 3434Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route! 3435% 3436Ducharme's Axiom: 3437 If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize 3438 yourself as part of the problem. 3439% 3440Ducharme's Precept: 3441 Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. 3442% 3443Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and 3444it holds the universe together. 3445 -- Carl Zwanzig 3446% 3447Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders 3448has been discontinued. 3449% 3450Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate 3451and captain of your soul. 3452% 3453Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been 3454discontinued. 3455% 3456 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen 3457were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a 3458red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, 3459"Hey, you almost hit my wife." 3460 "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a 3461shot at mine, over there." 3462% 3463During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several 3464times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o 3465% 3466"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have 3467nothing whatever to do with it." 3468 -- W. Somerset Maugham (last words) 3469% 3470E Pluribus Unix 3471% 3472Eagleson's Law: 3473 Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more 3474months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is 3475an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.) 3476% 3477Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends 3478% 3479/earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can. 3480% 3481Earth is a beta site. 3482% 3483Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun. 3484 -- Jeff Berner 3485% 3486Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: 3487 Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the 3488cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of 3489the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this 3490means the puzzle is solved. 3491 -- Steve Rubenstein 3492% 3493Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal. 3494% 3495Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work. 3496% 3497Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. 3498 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 3499% 3500Economics, n.: 3501 Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. 3502Galbraith ... 3503 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 3504% 3505Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy 3506would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it 3507hasn't. 3508 -- Robert Orben 3509% 3510Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a 3511percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor. 3512 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 3513% 3514Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. 3515 -- Fred Allen 3516% 3517Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine. 3518 -- Irsin Edman 3519% 3520Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak! 3521 -- Bullwinkle Moose 3522% 3523Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. 3524 -- Adlai Stevenson 3525% 3526Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many 3527people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable 3528comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where 3529the "nog" comes from. 3530 3531To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in 3532season, eggs... 3533% 3534Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain 3535of being a damned fool. 3536 -- Bellamy Brooks 3537% 3538Egotist, n.: 3539 A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. 3540 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 3541% 3542Ehrman's Commentary: 3543 (1) Things will get worse before they get better. 3544 (2) Who said things would get better? 3545% 3546Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. 3547 -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star 3548% 3549Eleanor Rigby 3550 Sits at the keyboard 3551 And waits for a line on the screen 3552Lives in a dream 3553Waits for a signal 3554 Finding some code 3555 That will make the machine do some more. 3556What is it for? 3557 3558All the lonely users, where do they all come from? 3559All the lonely users, why does it take so long? 3560 3561Hacker MacKensie 3562Writing the code for a program that no one will run 3563It's nearly done 3564Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's 3565 nobody there. 3566What does he care? 3567 3568All the lonely users, where do they all come from? 3569All the lonely users, why does it take so long? 3570Ah, look at all the lonely users. 3571Ah, look at all the lonely users. 3572% 3573Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance. 3574% 3575 Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles, 3576called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you 3577have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in 3578most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the 3579time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could 3580have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey, 3581although God alone knows why it would want to. 3582 The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, 3583direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes 3584have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one 3585direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents 3586harmful electron buildup in the wires. 3587 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 3588% 3589Electrocution, n.: 3590 Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. 3591% 3592Elevators smell different to midgets. 3593% 3594Emerson's Law of Contrariness: 3595 Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we 3596 can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it. 3597% 3598Encyclopedia Salesmen: 3599 Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police 3600 and tell them your house is being burgled. 3601 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 3602% 3603Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. 3604Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop. 3605 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary 3606% 3607Entropy isn't what it used to be. 3608% 3609Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which 3610otherwise require harder thinking. 3611 -- Jerome Lettvin 3612% 3613Epperson's law: 3614 When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably 3615something his wife can beat him at. 3616% 3617Equal bytes for women. 3618% 3619Error in operator: add beer 3620% 3621Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven 3622 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; 3623Und aller-mümsige Burggoven 3624 Dir mohmen Räth ausgraben. 3625 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 3626% 3627Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. 3628 -- Woody Allen 3629% 3630Etymology, n.: 3631 Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that 3632 were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was 3633 formed from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), 3634 and "logy" ("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are 3635 hard to swallow." 3636 -- Mike Kellen 3637% 3638Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to 3639speak it to? 3640 -- Clarence Darrow 3641% 3642Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. 3643 -- Will Rogers 3644% 3645Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral. 3646 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 3647% 3648Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United 3649States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a 3650day. 3651% 3652Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you 3653just how busy they are? 3654% 3655Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what, 3656exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men." 3657All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with 3658spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about: 3659Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please 3660take her right now. No. How about: Would you like to take something? 3661My wife is available. No. How about ..." 3662 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 3663% 3664Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it. 3665% 3666Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. 3667% 3668Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this 3669woman and stop her. 3670% 3671Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one 3672idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's 3673sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all 3674of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two 3675highly-motivated, caustic twits. 3676 -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet 3677% 3678Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired 3679signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not 3680fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not 3681spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the 3682genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way 3683of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is 3684humanity hanging on a cross of iron. 3685 -- Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953 3686% 3687Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation): 3688 3689Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in 3690front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an 3691odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even 3692and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of 3693legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere, 3694there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse 3695of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same 3696color"], that does not exist. 3697% 3698Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible. 3699 -- Frank Moore Colby 3700% 3701Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it. 3702% 3703Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. 3704 -- Don Vonada 3705% 3706"Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95." 3707% 3708Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. 3709 -- Miguel de Cervantes 3710% 3711Every morning, I get up and look through the "Forbes" list of the 3712richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. 3713 -- Robert Orben 3714% 3715Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis. 3716 3717It makes sense, when you don't think about it. 3718% 3719Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one 3720instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every 3721program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work. 3722% 3723Every program has two purposes -- one for which it was written and 3724another for which it wasn't. 3725% 3726Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits. 3727% 3728Every solution breeds new problems. 3729% 3730Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no 3731guarantee of eventual success. 3732% 3733"Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it." 3734% 3735Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. 3736 -- Beckett 3737% 3738Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. 3739 -- Dykstra 3740% 3741Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. 3742% 3743Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be 3744taught how ___not to. So it is with the great programmers. 3745% 3746Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to 3747realize it. 3748% 3749Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic 3750formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the 3751scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact 3752wholly unconcerned with what ____does exist. Indeed, the banality of 3753existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to 3754discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the 3755problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the 3756mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all, 3757one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely 3758different way ... 3759 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 3760% 3761Everyone talks about apathy, but no one ____does anything about it. 3762% 3763Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, 3764no one we know belongs. 3765% 3766Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being 3767that a belch is more satisfying. 3768 -- Ingmar Bergman 3769% 3770Everything should be built top-down, except the first time. 3771% 3772Everything you know is wrong! 3773% 3774Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less 3775obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no 3776solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. 3777There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no 3778straight lines. 3779 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 3780% 3781 Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping 3782mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as 3783"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you 3784how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence", 3785"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night 3786So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc. 3787 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 3788% 3789Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike the office water cooler. 3790% 3791Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator. 3792% 3793Excellent day to have a rotten day. 3794% 3795Excellent time to become a missing person. 3796% 3797Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from 3798acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. 3799 -- W. Somerset Maugham 3800% 3801Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility. 3802% 3803Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do 3804the work. 3805 -- John G. Pollard 3806% 3807Expect the worst. It's the least you can do. 3808% 3809Expense Accounts, n.: 3810 Corporate food stamps. 3811% 3812Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 3813 -- Olivier 3814% 3815Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake 3816when you make it again. 3817 -- Franklin P. Jones 3818% 3819Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and 3820the instruction afterward. 3821% 3822Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old 3823ones. 3824% 3825Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. 3826% 3827Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. 3828% 3829Expert, n.: 3830 Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides. 3831% 3832Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules: 3833 3834 NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE 3835 3836To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully 3837cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand 3838corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and 3839address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) -- 3840to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower 3841left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card 3842below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your 3843computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL 3844SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card 3845(without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the 3846Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be 3847disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print 3848this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and 3849completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize. 3850% 3851F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm! 3852% 3853f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd. 3854% 3855f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. 3856% 3857F: When into a room I plunge, I 3858 Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI. 3859 Then I linger, darkly brooding 3860 On the poison they're exuding. 3861 -- The Roguelet's ABC 3862% 3863Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable. 3864% 3865Fairy Tale, n.: 3866 A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. 3867% 3868Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic 3869without looking to see whether the seeds move. 3870% 3871Faith, n: 3872 That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be 3873 untrue. 3874% 3875Fakir, n: 3876 A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost 3877 religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources 3878 seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished. 3879% 3880Familiarity breeds attempt. 3881% 3882Families, when a child is born 3883Want it to be intelligent. 3884I, through intelligence, 3885Having wrecked my whole life, 3886Only hope the baby will prove 3887Ignorant and stupid. 3888Then he will crown a tranquil life 3889By becoming a Cabinet Minister 3890 -- Su Tung-p'o 3891% 3892Famous last words: 3893% 3894Famous last words: 3895 (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it." 3896 (2) "You and what army?" 3897 (3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be 3898 a cop." 3899% 3900Famous last words: 3901 (1) Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. 3902 (2) Let's take the shortcut; he can't see us from there. 3903 (3) What happens if you touch these two wires tog-- 3904 (4) We won't need reservations. 3905 (5) It's always sunny there this time of the year. 3906 (6) Don't worry, it's not loaded. 3907 (7) They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager. 3908 (8) Don't worry! Women love it! 3909% 3910Famous, adj.: 3911 Conspicuously miserable. 3912 -- Ambrose Bierce 3913% 3914Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the 3915Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. 3916Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an 3917utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life 3918forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches 3919are a pretty neat idea. 3920 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 3921% 3922Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it 3923every six months. 3924 -- Oscar Wilde 3925% 3926Fats Loves Madelyn. 3927% 3928Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ... 3929% 3930Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children, 3931neither will you. 3932% 3933 Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each 3934other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around 3935the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors 3936d'oeuvres. 3937 Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes 3938to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your 3939Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright 3940piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. 3941 Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with 3942inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down 3943other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and 3944placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when 3945the little hammers strike. 3946 Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over 3947their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning 3948Christmas tree. The piano is missing. 3949 3950 You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless 3951you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level 39524. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog. 3953% 3954Fifth Law of Applied Terror: 3955 If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. 3956 3957Corollary: 3958 If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live. 3959% 3960Fifth Law of Procrastination: 3961 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that 3962there is nothing important to do. 3963% 3964Fifty flippant frogs 3965Walked by on flippered feet 3966And with their slime they made the time 3967Unnaturally fleet. 3968% 3969 FIGHTING WORDS 3970 3971Say my love is easy had, 3972 Say I'm bitten raw with pride, 3973Say I am too often sad -- 3974 Still behold me at your side. 3975 3976Say I'm neither brave nor young, 3977 Say I woo and coddle care, 3978Say the devil touched my tongue -- 3979 Still you have my heart to wear. 3980 3981But say my verses do not scan, 3982 And I get me another man! 3983 -- Dorothy Parker 3984% 3985Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North 3986Carolina. 3987% 3988Finagle's Creed: 3989 Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. 3990% 3991Finagle's First Law: 3992 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 3993% 3994Finagle's Fourth Law: 3995 Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes 3996it worse. 3997% 3998Finagle's Second Law: 3999 No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be 4000someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it 4001happened according to his own pet theory. 4002% 4003Finagle's Third Law: 4004 In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, 4005 beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. 4006 4007Corollaries: 4008 (1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. 4009 (2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really 4010 don't want to hear, will see it immediately. 4011% 4012Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture 4013on a rock. 4014 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 4015% 4016Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. 4017% 4018Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. 4019% 4020Fine's Corollary: 4021 Functionality breeds Contempt. 4022% 4023Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less: 4024 4025 "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..." 4026 4027Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to: 4028 4029 P.O. Box 35 4030 Baffled Greek, Michigan 4031% 4032First Corollary of Taber's Second Law: 4033 Machines that piss people off get murdered. 4034 -- Pat Taber 4035% 4036First Law of Bicycling: 4037 No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the 4038wind. 4039% 4040First Law of Procrastination: 4041 Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility 4042for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed 4043the deadline). 4044% 4045First Law of Socio-Genetics: 4046 Celibacy is not hereditary. 4047% 4048First Rule of History: 4049 History doesn't repeat itself -- 4050 historians merely repeat each other. 4051% 4052"First things first -- but not necessarily in that order" 4053 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who" 4054% 4055First, a few words about tools. 4056 4057Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of 4058the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously 4059injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If 4060you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look 4061particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for 4062granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face. 4063 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 4064% 4065Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. 4066 -- Robert Firth 4067% 4068Flappity, floppity, flip 4069The mouse on the Möbius strip; 4070 The strip revolved, 4071 The mouse dissolved 4072In a chronodimensional skip. 4073% 4074FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when 4075the little hand is on the .... 4076% 4077Flon's Law: 4078 There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is 4079 the least bit difficult to write bad programs. 4080% 4081Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her 4082husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my 4083joules!" 4084 4085"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux 4086a moment. Perhaps they're mislead." 4087 4088"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them 4089in my burette ... We must call a copper." 4090 4091Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms, 4092said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name 4093of Lawrence Ium. 4094 4095"We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and 4096dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can 4097catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an 4098activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ... 4099 -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations" 4100% 4101flowchart, n. & v.: 4102 [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart 4103 "a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."] 4104 1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction 4105 problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation 4106 using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic 4107 doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for 4108 wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A 4109 thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's 4110 Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce 4111 flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate 4112 (a problem) with esoteric cartoons. 4113 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 4114% 4115Flugg's Law: 4116 When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the 4117 world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. 4118% 4119Flying saucers on occasion 4120 Show themselves to human eyes. 4121Aliens fume, put off invasion 4122 While they brand these tales as lies. 4123% 4124Fog Lamps, n.: 4125 Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the 4126 fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate 4127 that the driver's brain is in a fog. 4128 4129See also "Idiot Lights". 4130% 4131Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing. 4132 -- Walt Kelly, "Putluck Pogo" 4133% 4134For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ... 4135% 4136For a good time, call (510) 642-9483 4137% 4138For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a 4139cat. 4140% 4141"For an adequate time call 555-3321" 4142% 4143For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be 4144always old-fashioned. 4145% 4146For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, 4147and wrong. 4148 -- H. L. Mencken 4149% 4150For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. 4151 -- R. Clopton 4152% 4153 "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence 4154of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind." 4155 4156 "Whose?" 4157 4158 "MINE! HA-HA!" 4159% 4160For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two. 4161% 4162For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire 4163life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days 4164now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets 4165when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch 4166in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have 4167the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which 4168means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are 4169advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are 4170the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their 4171names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot 4172("part of this complete breakfast"). 4173 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" 4174% 4175For perfect happiness, remember two things: 4176 (1) Be content with what you've got. 4177 (2) Be sure you've got plenty. 4178% 4179For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say 4180"Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something. 4181 -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to 4182 the U.S. 4183% 4184For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz. 4185% 4186For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of 4187a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last step of doing away with 4188computers altogether? 4189 -- Jehan Shuman 4190% 4191For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like. 4192 -- Abraham Lincoln 4193% 4194For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but 4195phone calls taper off. 4196 -- Johnny Carson 4197% 4198For years a secret shame destroyed my peace -- 4199I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. 4200But now I think a thought that brings me hope: 4201Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope. 4202 -- Justin Richardson. 4203% 4204For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH! 4205% 4206Forgetfulness, n.: 4207 A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their 4208destitution of conscience. 4209% 4210Forms follow function, and often obliterate it. 4211% 4212FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS! #6 4213 4214RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min. 4215 One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and 4216 arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating 4217 hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison. 4218% 4219fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate: 4220 4221 I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine. 4222 "Hey you, get off my plate" 4223 -- Roger Midnight 4224% 4225Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week: 4226 "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?" 4227% 4228Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month): 4229 4230 Don't Write On Walls! 4231 4232 (and underneath) 4233 4234 You want I should type? 4235% 4236Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky): 4237 No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this 4238State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed 4239with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females 4240weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it 4241apply to female horses. 4242% 4243Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful 4244Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an 4245impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and 4246clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following 4247exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan. 4248 4249DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are 4250 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams. 4251HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters? 4252DINGELL: They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter 4253 is that female oysters through their living habits cast out 4254 large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large 4255 amounts of fertilization ... 4256HOFFMAN: Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many 4257 teenagers who read The Congressional Record. 4258% 4259Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week: 4260 4261 Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige. 4262% 4263FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS #14 4264 4265Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good 4266liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert and 4267light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything 4268drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck. 4269% 4270Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18: 4271 4272Q: Are you married? 4273A: No, I'm divorced. 4274Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him? 4275A: A lot of things I didn't know about. 4276% 4277Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19: 4278 4279Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? 4280A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. 4281% 4282Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29: 4283 4284THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present 4285 information and prejudice from your minds, if you have 4286 any ... 4287% 4288Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32: 4289 4290Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? 4291A: I will be three months November 8th. 4292Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? 4293A: Yes. 4294Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time? 4295% 4296Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37: 4297 4298Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears? 4299A: No. 4300Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears? 4301A: Picking them up in the air. 4302Q: Where was the dog at this time? 4303A: Attached to the ears. 4304% 4305Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3: 4306 4307Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were 4308 able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to 4309 go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with 4310 him to the station? 4311MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. 4312% 4313Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41: 4314 4315Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? 4316A: By death. 4317Q: And by whose death was it terminated? 4318% 4319Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52: 4320 4321Q: What is your name? 4322A: Ernestine McDowell. 4323Q: And what is your marital status? 4324A: Fair. 4325% 4326Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7: 4327 4328Q: What happened then? 4329A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify 4330 me." 4331Q: Did he kill you? 4332A: No. 4333% 4334fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped. 4335% 4336Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai 4337sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles. 4338 4339Oh, and have a nice day! 4340 -- Bryce Nesbitt '84 4341% 4342Fourth Law of Applied Terror: 4343 The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology 4344 instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. 4345 4346Corollary: 4347 Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do 4348 except study for that instructor's course. 4349% 4350Fourth Law of Revision: 4351 It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about 4352 interferences -- if you have none, someone will make 4353 one for you. 4354% 4355Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not 4356almost one, it is damn near zero. 4357 -- David Ellis 4358% 4359Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a 4360policeman's tie. 4361% 4362Fresco's Discovery: 4363 If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored. 4364% 4365Friends, Romans, Hipsters, 4366Let me clue you in; 4367I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him. 4368The square kicks some cats are on stay with them; 4369The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus 4370Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes; 4371If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea, 4372And, like, old Caesar really set them straight. 4373Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat; 4374So are they all, all cool cats, -- 4375Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down. 4376% 4377Frisbeetarianism, n.: 4378 The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and 4379 gets stuck. 4380% 4381Frobnicate, v.: 4382 To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ. 4383Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a 4384frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK 4385sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless 4386manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse 4387search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is 4388turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it 4389he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the 4390screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because 4391turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it. 4392% 4393Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.: 4394 An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to 4395electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to 4396FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and 4397FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl. 4398FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure 4399via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be 4400applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures. 4401% 4402[From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology 4403Association, in Rome]: 4404 4405The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria 4406and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not 4407spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods, 4408or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in 4409millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have 4410reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology 4411engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general, 4412president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social 4413schizophrenia in mass genocide. 4414% 4415From the "Guiness Book of World Records", 1973: 4416 4417Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and 4418the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the 4419Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his 4420candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground 4421nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts, 4422other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not 4423qualify as nuts (unground)(other than ground nuts) by reason of their 4424being nuts (unground)." 4425% 4426From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was 4427convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. 4428 -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults" 4429% 4430[From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made 4431in Japan]: 4432 4433The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT 4434MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is 4435featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality 4436against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design", 4437"flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00 4438Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile 4439operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc. 4440 4441And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help 4442achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by 4443HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being. 4444% 4445From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the 4446instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new 4447experience in sound: 4448 4449 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading 4450 sound is normal for this type of connector. 4451% 4452From too much love of living, 4453From hope and fear set free, 4454We thank with brief thanksgiving, 4455Whatever gods may be, 4456That no life lives forever, 4457That dead men rise up never, 4458That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea. 4459 -- Swinburne 4460% 4461Fuch's Warning: 4462 If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well 4463enough to travel. 4464% 4465Fudd's First Law of Opposition: 4466 Push something hard enough and it will fall over. 4467% 4468Furbling, v.: 4469 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank 4470 even when you are the only person in line. 4471 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 4472% 4473Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. 4474 -- H. H. Williams 4475% 4476Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening. 4477% 4478G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One 4479of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his 4480secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says 4481`No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And 4482that's your chance, my boy." 4483% 4484Garbage In -- Gospel Out. 4485% 4486Garter, n.: 4487 An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her 4488stockings and desolating the country. 4489 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 4490% 4491Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall 4492on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!! 4493 -- Adventures of Asterix 4494% 4495Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". 4496 4497 Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound 4498than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: 4499 "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." 4500Obvious, isn't it? 4501 Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start 4502speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as 4503long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all 4504your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and 4505so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed 4506individuals and then grow ... 4507 Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those 4508signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when 4509everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on 4510the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs 4511backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I 4512think not, my friend, I think not. 4513 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 4514% 4515 "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an 4516extracurricular activity except you." 4517 "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?" 4518 "Only to ten, Mudhead." 4519 4520 -- Firesign Theater 4521% 4522"Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore." 4523% 4524GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) 4525 You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because 4526 you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much 4527 for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for 4528 committing incest. 4529% 4530GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20) 4531 Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while you 4532 can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise 4533 and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short 4534 trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room. 4535% 4536Genderplex, n.: 4537 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to 4538 determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and 4539 tortoises). 4540 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 4541% 4542Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why 4543you should. 4544% 4545Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus 4546handicapped. 4547 -- Elbert Hubbard 4548% 4549Genius, n.: 4550 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with "bright". 4551% 4552George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0. 4553 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 4554% 4555George Orwell was an optimist. 4556% 4557George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to 4558have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend. 4559 -- Ashley Cooper 4560% 4561Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 4562 (1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong 4563 direction. 4564 (2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. 4565 (3) The energy required to change either one of these states 4566 will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so 4567 much as to make the task totally impossible. 4568% 4569Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. 4570% 4571 Get GUMMed 4572 --- ------ 4573The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 45741, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above 4575the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep 4576each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered 4577chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek 4578nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three 4579days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two 4580seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user- 4581friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is 4582Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis 4583"cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You 4584Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because 4585all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we 4586could tell them. 4587 -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84 4588% 4589Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children! 4590% 4591 -- Gifts for Children -- 4592 4593This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children, 4594because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months 4595and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday- 4596morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children 4597exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If 4598your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You 4599Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it 4600might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe 4601me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child 4602who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift. 4603 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 4604% 4605 -- Gifts for Men -- 4606 4607Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional 4608ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you 4609should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the 4610clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For 4611example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only 4612three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error, 4613that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh 4614at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?"). 4615So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several 4616years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will 4617pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. 4618 4619If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More 4620than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set 4621of tires. 4622 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 4623% 4624 Gimmie That Old Time Religion 4625We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids, 4626Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods, 4627I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids, 4628And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me! 4629 (chorus) (chorus) 4630 4631In the church of Aphrodite, 4632The priestess wears a see-through nightie, 4633She's a mighty righteous sightie, 4634And she's good enough for me! 4635 (chorus) 4636 4637CHORUS: Give me that old time religion, 4638 Give me that old time religion, 4639 Give me that old time religion, 4640 'Cause it's good enough for me! 4641% 4642Ginsberg's Theorem: 4643 (1) You can't win. 4644 (2) You can't break even. 4645 (3) You can't even quit the game. 4646 4647Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: 4648 Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem 4649 meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's 4650 Theorem. To wit: 4651 4652 (1) Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 4653 (2) Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. 4654 (3) Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game. 4655% 4656Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place 4657to stand, and I will drain the world. 4658% 4659"Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war." 4660 -- Napolean 4661% 4662Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities! 4663% 4664Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving to 4665a new town. 4666% 4667Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. 4668% 4669Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying 4670around, I'd rather lie around. No contest. 4671 -- Eric Clapton 4672% 4673Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: 4674Languages whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP 4675machine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf. 4676 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 4677% 4678Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: 4679 Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the 4680 probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some 4681 useful work done. 4682% 4683Gnagloot, n.: 4684 A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to 4685 impress people. 4686 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 4687% 4688Go 'way! You're bothering me! 4689% 4690Go climb a gravity well! 4691% 4692Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may 4693be in owning a piece thereof. 4694 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 4695% 4696//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH 4697% 4698God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six 4699days and then pulled an all-nighter. 4700% 4701God doesn't play dice. 4702 -- Albert Einstein 4703% 4704God gives burdens; also shoulders 4705 4706Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the 4707end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I 4708can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why 4709would he lie about a thing like that? 4710 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 4711% 4712God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ... 4713The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do 4714not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman 4715... not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on 4716smoking and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and 4717water is not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in 4718the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at 4719night! 4720 -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher 4721% 4722God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh. 4723% 4724God is a polytheist. 4725% 4726God is Dead 4727 -- Nietzsche 4728Nietzsche is Dead 4729 -- God 4730Nietzsche is God 4731 -- The Dead 4732% 4733God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's! 4734% 4735God is real, unless declared integer. 4736% 4737God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the 4738elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying 4739other things. 4740 -- Pablo Picasso 4741% 4742God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. 4743 -- Alfred Jarry 4744% 4745God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. 4746% 4747God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. 4748% 4749God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board. 4750 -- Mark Twain 4751% 4752God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. 4753 -- Kronecker 4754% 4755God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. 4756% 4757God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. 4758 -- Albert Einstein 4759% 4760God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them. 4761% 4762God rest ye CS students now, 4763Let nothing you dismay. 4764The VAX is down and won't be up, 4765Until the first of May. 4766The program that was due this morn, 4767Won't be postponed, they say. 4768 4769 Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, 4770 Comfort and joy, 4771 Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. 4772 4773The bearings on the drum are gone, 4774The disk is wobbling, too. 4775We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol 4776Can't tell false from true. 4777And now we find that we can't get 4778At Berkeley's 4.2. 4779 4780 (chorus) 4781% 4782Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to 4783school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a 4784person a car. 4785% 4786Gold, n.: 4787 A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It 4788 is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich 4789 men who immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, 4790 although gold hasn't done anything to them. 4791 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 4792% 4793Goldenstern's Rules: 4794 (1) Always hire a rich attorney. 4795 (2) Never buy from a rich salesman. 4796% 4797Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad 4798example. 4799 -- La Rouchefoucauld 4800% 4801Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall. 4802% 4803Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. 4804% 4805Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school. 4806% 4807Good day to let down old friends who need help. 4808% 4809Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed. 4810% 4811Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. 4812% 4813Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day. 4814% 4815Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's 4816new lover. 4817% 4818Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored. 4819 -- George Saunders' dying words 4820% 4821Gordon's first law: 4822 If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing 4823well. 4824% 4825"Gosh that takes me back ... or forward. That's the trouble with time 4826travel, you never can tell." 4827 -- Dr. Who 4828% 4829Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with 4830time travel, you never can tell." 4831 -- Doctor Who "Androids of Tara" 4832% 4833Got Mole problems? 4834Call Avogadro 6.02 x 10^23 4835% 4836Goto, n.: 4837 A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers 4838to complain about unstructured programmers. 4839 -- Ray Simard 4840% 4841Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage. 4842 -- John Updike, "Couples" 4843% 4844Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are 4845different lies. 4846% 4847Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know 4848any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he 4849doesn't know much. 4850 -- Will Rogers 4851% 4852Grabel's Law: 4853 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2. 4854% 4855Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture. 4856% 4857Graduate life: It's not just a job. It's an indenture. 4858% 4859Grandpa Charnock's Law: 4860 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 4861% 4862Gravity is a myth: the Earth sucks. 4863% 4864Gray's Law of Programming: 4865 `_n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same 4866 time as `_n' tasks. 4867 4868Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: 4869 `_n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `_n' trivial tasks. 4870% 4871Great minds run in great circles. 4872% 4873 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917 4874 4875On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then- 4876Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them 4877off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I 4878wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his 4879mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a 4880tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men 4881stood lookout. 4882% 4883Green light in A.M. for new projects. 4884Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets. 4885% 4886Greener's Law: 4887 Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. 4888% 4889Grelb's Reminder: 4890 Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above 4891 average drivers. 4892% 4893Grub first, then ethics. 4894 -- Bertolt Brecht 4895% 4896Gurmlish, n.: 4897 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which 4898 prevents the person from biting into it and puncturing the 4899 roof of his mouth. 4900 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 4901% 4902Gyroscope, n.: 4903 A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also 4904free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each 4905other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two 4906mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the 4907other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus 4908offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any 4909torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin. 4910 -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary 4911% 4912H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L. 4913Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude. 4914 -- Maxwell Bodenheim 4915% 4916H. L. Mencken's Law: 4917 Those who can -- do. 4918 Those who can't -- teach. 4919 4920Martin's Extension: 4921 Those who cannot teach -- administrate. 4922% 4923H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you, 4924 Slice him up before he slays you. 4925 Nothing makes you look a slob 4926 Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB). 4927 -- The Roguelet's ABC 4928% 4929Hacker's Law: 4930 The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a 4931 nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. 4932% 4933Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge. 4934% 4935Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, 4936and you would not have been informed. 4937% 4938Hail to the sun god 4939He sure is a fun god 4940Ra! Ra! Ra! 4941% 4942Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big 4943enough majority in any town? 4944 -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn" 4945% 4946Half Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at all.) 4947% 4948Half-done: 4949 This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still crunchy, 4950 light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference between this 4951 and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like the 4952 difference between life and death. 4953 4954 You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill there 4955 in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the airport, 4956 fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough Hall, 4957 transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on 4958 Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk 4959 about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the 4960 man, "Let me have a nice half-done." Worth the trouble, wasn't it? 4961 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 4962% 4963Hall's Laws of Politics: 4964 (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. 4965 (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something 4966 fixed. 4967 (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend 4968 military spending, and conservatives social spending in 4969 their own districts). 4970% 4971Hand, n.: 4972 A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and 4973commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. 4974 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 4975% 4976Hanlon's Razor: 4977 Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by 4978 stupidity. 4979% 4980Hanson's Treatment of Time: 4981 There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days 4982 before Saturday. 4983% 4984Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. 4985 -- Ogden Nash 4986% 4987Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. 4988 -- Oscar Levant 4989% 4990Happiness, n.: 4991 An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of 4992 another. 4993 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 4994% 4995Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances? 4996% 4997Hardware, n.: 4998 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. 4999% 5000Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand 5001convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want. 5002 -- Tobias Smollet 5003% 5004Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark 5005The Duke is fond of kittens 5006He likes to take their insides out 5007And use them for his mittens 5008 From "The Thirteen Clocks" 5009% 5010Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, 5011Advertising wondrous things. 5012 -- Tom Lehrer 5013% 5014Harris's Lament: 5015 All the good ones are taken. 5016% 5017Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: 5018 Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment 5019 ruined. 5020% 5021Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he 5022makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean 5023famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses 5024probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you 5025have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like 5026enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their 5027attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock 5028down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law, 5029just like Richard Nixon." 5030 -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob" 5031% 5032Hartley's First Law: 5033 You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float 5034 on his back, you've got something. 5035% 5036Hartley's Second Law: 5037 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 5038% 5039Harvard Law: 5040 Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, 5041 temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism 5042 will do as it damn well pleases. 5043% 5044"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?" 5045"Yes, I don't have one." 5046"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors ..." 5047 -- E. D'Azevedo, Computer Science 372 5048% 5049Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are 5050typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter 5051keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use 5052of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is 5053not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears. 5054% 5055 Has your family tried 'em? 5056 5057 POWDERMILK BISCUITS 5058 5059 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! 5060 5061 They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the 5062 strength to get up and do what needs to be done. 5063 5064 POWDERMILK BISCUITS 5065 5066 Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the 5067 biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains 5068 that indicate freshness. 5069% 5070Hatred, n.: 5071 A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's 5072 superiority. 5073 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5074% 5075Have an adequate day. 5076% 5077Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is 5078to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a 5079non-cynical, or even an informative cookie? 5080 5081Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This 5082still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or 5083only serves to blunt the warning signs. 5084 5085 Long live the revolution! 5086 Have a nice day. 5087% 5088Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell 5089you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time 5090for play? 5091% 5092Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs, 5093I mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container 5094filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite 5095sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in 5096their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or 5097mass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything, which is why 5098they are able to produce "Laverne and Shirley" week after week. 5099 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 5100% 5101"Have you lived here all your life?" 5102"Oh, twice that long." 5103% 5104Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a 5105crack in your sidewalk? 5106% 5107Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline 5108sharply the minute they start waving guns around? 5109 -- Dr. Who 5110% 5111Have you reconsidered a computer career? 5112% 5113He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental 5114effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable 5115perversion. 5116 -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails" 5117% 5118He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions 5119 -- Stephen Leacock 5120% 5121He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation 5122perfectly delightful. 5123 -- Sydney Smith 5124% 5125He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and 5126heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope 5127of ever behaving "normally." 5128 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" 5129% 5130He hadn't a single redeeming vice. 5131 -- Oscar Wilde 5132% 5133"He is now rising from affluence to poverty." 5134 -- Mark Twain 5135% 5136He looked at me as if I was a side dish he hadn't ordered. 5137% 5138He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace. 5139 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic 5140% 5141He thought he saw an albatross 5142That fluttered 'round the lamp. 5143He looked again and saw it was 5144A penny postage stamp. 5145"You'd best be getting home," he said, 5146"The nights are rather damp." 5147% 5148He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue. 5149 -- Jonathan Swift 5150% 5151"He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him 5152insufferable." 5153% 5154He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes. 5155% 5156He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry 5157attacks democracy itself. 5158 -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS 5159% 5160He who Laughs, Lasts. 5161% 5162"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..." 5163% 5164He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be 5165there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter. 5166% 5167He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ... 5168% 5169HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. 5170SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their ___OWN brains. 5171 -- Walt Kelley 5172% 5173Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 5174% 5175Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying 5176of nothing. 5177 -- Redd Foxx 5178% 5179Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying 5180of nothing. 5181 -- Redd Foxx 5182% 5183Heaven, n.: 5184 A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of 5185 their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while 5186 you expound your own. 5187 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5188% 5189Heavy, adj.: 5190 Seduced by the chocolate side of the force. 5191% 5192"Heisenberg may have slept here" 5193% 5194Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. 5195 -- Milton Friedman 5196% 5197Heller's Law: 5198 The first myth of management is that it exists. 5199 5200Johnson's Corollary: 5201 Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the 5202 organization. 5203% 5204"Hello," he lied. 5205 -- Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent 5206% 5207Help a swallow land at Capistrano. 5208% 5209Help fight continental drift. 5210% 5211Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file! 5212% 5213Help stamp out and abolish redundancy. 5214% 5215Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70! 5216% 5217HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! 5218 -- E. E. CUMMINGS 5219% 5220Her locks an ancient lady gave 5221Her loving husband's life to save; 5222And men -- they honored so the dame -- 5223Upon some stars bestowed her name. 5224 5225But to our modern married fair, 5226Who'd give their lords to save their hair, 5227No stellar recognition's given. 5228There are not stars enough in heaven. 5229% 5230"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from 5231Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ..." 5232% 5233Here I sit, broken-hearted, 5234All logged in, but work unstarted. 5235First net.this and net.that, 5236And a hot buttered bun for net.fat. 5237 5238The boss comes by, and I play the game, 5239Then I turn back to net.flame. 5240Is there a cure (I need your views), 5241For someone trapped in net.news? 5242 5243I need your help, I say 'tween sobs, 5244'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs. 5245% 5246Here in my heart, I am Helen; 5247 I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least. 5248I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Staël; 5249 I'm Salome, moon of the East. 5250 5251Here in my soul I am Sappho; 5252 Lady Hamilton am I, as well. 5253In me Récamier vies with Kitty O'Shea, 5254 With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell. 5255 5256I'm all of the glamorous ladies 5257 At whose beckoning history shook. 5258But you are a man, and see only my pan, 5259 So I stay at home with a book. 5260 -- Dorothy Parker 5261% 5262Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical 5263lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach 5264your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. 5265Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in 5266pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, 5267but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an 5268important electrical lesson. 5269 5270It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed 5271your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small 5272objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will 5273attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and 5274collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your 5275friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the 5276carpet, thus completing the circuit. 5277 5278Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without 5279touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your 5280finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you 5281have carpeting. 5282 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 5283% 5284 Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the 5285month. According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people 5286are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China. 5287 The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either 5288(depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax 5289tadpole". 5290 Bite the wax tadpole. 5291 There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? 5292 The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's 5293hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to 5294bite a wax tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, 5295but broad satiric vistas do not open up. 5296 -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle 5297% 5298"Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like 5299`Psychic Wins Lottery'?" 5300 -- Jay Leno 5301% 5302Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs, 5303then they'd be algorithms. 5304% 5305"Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!" 5306 -- W. C. Fields 5307% 5308Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person 5309reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes, 5310nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home. 5311% 5312"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. 5313As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of 5314equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. 5315Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you 5316probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of 5317course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my 5318experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out 5319of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser. 5320 5321"Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our 5322motto is: `It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'" 5323 -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering" 5324% 5325Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich; 5326Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich. 5327Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws 5328Weil es uns duenkt, er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head; 5329 We buried him today because 5330 As far as we can tell, he's dead. 5331 -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty-Sue 5332 Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher; 5333 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele 5334% 5335Higgledy Piggledy, 5336Hamlet of Elsinore 5337Ruffled the critics by 5338Dropping this bomb: 5339"Phooey on Freud and his 5340Psychoanalysis -- 5341Oedipus, Shmoedipus, 5342I just loved Mom." 5343% 5344Hindsight is an exact science. 5345% 5346Hippogriff, n.: 5347 An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. 5348 The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half 5349 eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter 5350 eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. 5351 The study of zoology is full of surprises. 5352 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5353% 5354Hire the morally handicapped. 5355% 5356"His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had 5357money, he went to Southern California." 5358% 5359His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice. 5360 -- Foghorn Leghorn 5361% 5362His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier. 5363% 5364History is curious stuff 5365 You'd think by now we had enough 5366Yet the fact remains I fear 5367 They make more of it every year. 5368% 5369History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history. 5370% 5371History, n.: 5372 Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we 5373learn nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from 5374what happened this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long 5375view. 5376 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" 5377% 5378Hlade's Law: 5379 If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- 5380 they will find an easier way to do it. 5381% 5382Hoare's Law of Large Problems: 5383 Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. 5384% 5385Hofstadter's Law: 5386 It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take 5387 Hofstadter's Law into account. 5388% 5389Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it. 5390 -- Rex Reed 5391% 5392 Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's 5393willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop 5394for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say 5395"shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home 5396centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas 5397trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise 5398because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every 5399object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ... 5400 Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the 5401broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has 5402a replacement. The employee, who has never in his life even seen the 5403inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the 5404same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at 5405an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of 5406these sometime around the middle of next week". 5407 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 5408% 5409Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories: 5410The ultimate in watchdog weaponry. 5411 -- Chris Shaw 5412% 5413Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. 5414% 5415Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. 5416 -- F. M. Hubbard 5417% 5418Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..." 5419% 5420Honk if you love peace and quiet. 5421% 5422Honorable, adj.: 5423 Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative 5424 bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; 5425 as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." 5426 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5427% 5428Horngren's Observation: 5429 Among economists, the real world is often a special case. 5430% 5431Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on 5432people. 5433 -- W. C. Fields 5434% 5435Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa. 5436% 5437"Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed." 5438 -- Neil Armstrong 5439% 5440How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all? 5441% 5442How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers? 5443% 5444How come wrong numbers are never busy? 5445% 5446How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows. 5447% 5448How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? 5449 -- Elliot, "E.T." 5450% 5451How doth the little crocodile 5452 Improve his shining tail, 5453And pour the waters of the Nile 5454 On every golden scale! 5455 5456How cheerfully he seems to grin, 5457 How neatly spreads his claws, 5458And welcomes little fishes in, 5459 With gently smiling jaws! 5460 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland" 5461% 5462How doth the VAX's C compiler 5463Improve its object code. 5464And even as we speak does it 5465Increase the system load. 5466 5467How patiently it seems to run 5468And spit out error flags, 5469While users, with frustration, all 5470Tear their clothes to rags. 5471% 5472How I love to watch the morn, 5473 With golden sun that shines, 5474Up above to nicely warm 5475 These frosty toes of mine. 5476 5477The wind doth taste of bittersweet, 5478 Like Jasper wine and sugar, 5479I bet it's blown through others' feet, 5480 Like those of ... Caspar Weinberger. 5481 -- P. Opus (Bloom County) 5482% 5483How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on. 5484% 5485How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 5486None: "We'll fix it in software." 5487 5488How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 5489None: "We'll document it in the manual." 5490 5491How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? 5492None: "The user can work it out." 5493% 5494How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being 5495carried by a waiter at a nice party? 5496 5497Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors 5498d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell 5499what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then 5500say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it 5501back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another 5502cheese!" and so on. 5503 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 5504% 5505 How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are 55063.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, 5507who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a 5508nanocentury. 5509 -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs 5510% 5511How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to Dayton? 5512 -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey 5513% 5514How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. 5515% 5516HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: 5517 #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces. 5518% 5519HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: 5520 #15 Your pet rock snaps at you. 5521% 5522HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: 5523 5524 #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of 5525 you. 5526% 5527Howe's Law: 5528 Everyone has a scheme that will not work. 5529% 5530However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional 5531manner ... sulking and nausea. 5532 -- Tom K. Ryan 5533% 5534HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., 5535motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate 5536amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. 5537The Senate amendment was an amendment to the House amendment to the 5538Senate amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the 5539bill. The original Senate amendment was the conference agreement on 5540the bill. Agreed to. 5541 -- Albuquerque Journal 5542% 5543 Hug O' War 5544 5545I will not play at tug o' war. 5546I'd rather play at hug o' war, 5547Where everyone hugs 5548Instead of tugs, 5549Where everyone giggles 5550And rolls on the rug, 5551Where everyone kisses, 5552And everyone grins, 5553And everyone cuddles, 5554And everyone wins. 5555 -- Shel Silverstein 5556% 5557Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill. 5558% 5559Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 55601929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an 5561operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a urethral 5562catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of 5563his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took 5564the confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the 5565Nobel Prize. 5566% 5567Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs. 5568% 5569Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse. 5570 -- William Gilbert 5571% 5572Hurewitz's Memory Principle: 5573 The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional 5574 to ..... to ........ uh .............. 5575% 5576I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a 5577professor or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any 5578other minority viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority. 5579 -- Richard M. Nixon 5580 5581What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism? 5582 -- Richard M. Nixon 5583% 5584"I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder 5585have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products. 5586This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's 5587reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go 5588buy some more." 5589 -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM 5590% 5591I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work. 5592% 5593I am not an Economist. I am an honest man! 5594 -- Paul McCracken 5595% 5596I am not now, and never have been, a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger. 5597 -- Gloria Steinem 5598% 5599I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party. 5600 -- Dennis Ritchie 5601% 5602I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it. 5603 -- English Professor 5604% 5605I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the 5606great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. 5607 -- Winston Churchill 5608% 5609I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone 5610has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. 5611 -- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University 5612% 5613I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast 5614with an option to buy. 5615% 5616I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater. 5617% 5618I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, 5619of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell 5620you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial 5621atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something 5622inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering. 5623 -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan 5624% 5625I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of 5626the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for 5627you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway. 5628 -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy, 5629 University of Tennessee at Knoxville 5630% 5631I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an 5632argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and 5633steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, 5634they don't even invite me. 5635 -- Dave Barry 5636% 5637I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. 5638 -- G. K. Chesterton 5639% 5640I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. 5641 -- Will Rogers 5642% 5643I bet the human brain is a kludge. 5644 -- Marvin Minsky 5645% 5646I brake for chezlogs! 5647% 5648I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up. 5649 -- Biff Barf 5650% 5651I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan 5652prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very 5653bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after 5654relentless day. 5655 -- Betty MacDonald 5656% 5657I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself. 5658% 5659I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and 566025 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be 5661true. 5662 -- Harry Truman 5663% 5664I can resist anything but temptation. 5665% 5666I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. 5667 -- Joe Walsh 5668% 5669I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling. 5670 -- Florence Henderson 5671% 5672I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can 5673understand it. 5674 -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands. 5675% 5676I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a 5677novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. 5678 -- Fred Allen 5679% 5680"I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions." 5681 -- Lillian Hellman 5682% 5683I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate 5684of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ... 5685 -- F. H. Wales (1936) 5686% 5687I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar. 5688 5689What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good 5690grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause 5691of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the 5692United States would have lost World War II." 5693 -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar" 5694% 5695 "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a 5696quavering voice. 5697 "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of 5698course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which 5699I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in 5700Elven-lore: 5701 5702 "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves, 5703 Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves. 5704 Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop, 5705 This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop. 5706 The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring. 5707 The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing. 5708 If broken or busted, it cannot be remade. 5709 If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)." 5710 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 5711% 5712I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights 5713instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is 5714standing still ... 5715 -- Steven Wright 5716% 5717I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather 5718dance with the cows till you come home. 5719 -- Groucho Marx 5720% 5721I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps 5722the time I found out that M&Ms really *do* melt in your hand ... 5723 -- Peter Oakley 5724% 5725I didn't know it was impossible when I did it. 5726% 5727I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. The 5728curtain was up. 5729% 5730 I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because 5731we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently 5732leads to violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, 5733in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had 5734time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the 5735library, we could call each other up: 5736 5737 You: Hello? Bob? 5738 Bob: Yes? 5739 You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you 5740 took last Thursday? Outside of Sears? 5741 Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed? 5742 You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is: 5743 "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait. 5744 I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill 5745 and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto 5746 the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to 5747 have to get back to you. 5748 Bob: Fine. 5749 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 5750% 5751I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an 5752exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to 5753minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary 5754accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a 5755mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the 5756bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always 5757different. 5758 -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.) 5759% 5760I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. 5761 -- Isaac Asimov 5762% 5763I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us 5764with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use. 5765 -- Galileo Galilei 5766% 5767I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should. 5768 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 5769% 5770I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians 5771don't believe in astrology. 5772 -- James R. F. Quirk 5773% 5774I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just 5775a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more 5776numbers!! 5777% 5778I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of 5779a frog jumping on my Breakfast. 5780 -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82 5781% 5782I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the nominating 5783 -- Boss Tweed 5784% 5785I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem. 5786 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 5787% 5788I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of 5789people waiting to abuse me. 5790 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" 5791% 5792I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. 5793 -- Elvis Presley 5794% 5795 "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said 5796 Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't -- 5797till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for 5798you!'" 5799 "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice 5800objected. 5801 "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful 5802tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor 5803less." 5804 "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean 5805so many different things." 5806 "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master-- 5807that's all." 5808 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 5809% 5810I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd 5811eat it, and I just hate it. 5812 -- Clarence Darrow 5813% 5814I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path. 5815 -- Ronald Mabbitt 5816% 5817I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the 5818streets and frighten the horses. 5819 -- Victor Hugo 5820% 5821"I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?" 5822% 5823"I don't think so," said René Descartes. Just then, he vanished. 5824% 5825I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other 5826hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out. 5827% 5828I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that 5829the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is 5830thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists 5831broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake. 5832Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off 5833their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ... 5834 -- Davy Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE 5835 COMING!" 5836% 5837I doubt, therefore I might be. 5838% 5839I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business 5840on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment 5841he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual 5842becoming, with a goal in front and not behind. 5843 -- George Bernard Shaw 5844% 5845I drink to make other people interesting. 5846 -- George Jean Nathan 5847% 5848I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on, 5849so I woke up from sheer boredom. 5850% 5851I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the 5852accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For 5853the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that 5854can't be measured in monetary terms. 5855 5856Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have 5857that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by 5858subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should 5859someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly 5860understand his long delay. 5861% 5862I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words. 5863% 5864I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very 5865reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment. 5866 -- Gotama Buddha 5867% 5868I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *__________horrifying* 20 5869minutes of my life! 5870% 5871I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. 5872 -- Mae West 5873% 5874I get up each morning, gather my wits. 5875 Pick up the paper, read the obits. 5876If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. 5877 So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. 5878% 5879I get up each morning, gather my wits. 5880Pick up the paper, read the obits. 5881If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. 5882So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. 5883 5884Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent? 5885My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went. 5886But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin, 5887And think of the places my get-up has been. 5888 -- Pete Seeger 5889% 5890I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler 5891Moore show I heard the word "damn"! 5892 -- Mary Lou Bax 5893% 5894I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense. 5895% 5896I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means 5897it's going to be up all night. 5898 -- Steven Wright 5899% 5900I hate quotations. 5901 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 5902% 5903I have a simple philosophy: 5904 5905 Fill what's empty. 5906 Empty what's full. 5907 Scratch where it itches. 5908 -- A. R. Longworth 5909% 5910I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it 5911any time! 5912% 5913I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, 5914which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'. 5915 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 5916% 5917I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. 5918I tell them the truth and they never believe me. 5919 -- Camillo Di Cavour 5920% 5921I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it. 5922 -- Edgar Allan Poe 5923% 5924I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You 5925sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an 5926eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I 5927have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of 5928beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a 5929guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more 5930of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry. 5931 -- President Harry S Truman 5932% 5933I have learned 5934To spell hors d'oeuvres 5935Which still grates on 5936Some people's n'oeuvres. 5937 -- Warren Knox 5938% 5939I have made mistakes but I have never made the 5940mistake of claiming that I have never made one. 5941 -- James Gordon Bennett 5942% 5943I have made this letter longer than usual 5944because I lack the time to make it shorter. 5945 -- Blaise Pascal 5946% 5947I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole 5948____BODY! 5949 -- from "Cerebus" #82 5950% 5951I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. 5952 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 5953% 5954I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. 5955 -- Oscar Wilde 5956% 5957I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it 5958scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it. 5959 -- Steven Wright 5960% 5961I have to convince you, or at least snow you ... 5962 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 5963% 5964I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking 5965his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell 5966beating up a child. 5967 -- Steven Wright 5968% 5969I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked 5970at in the right way, did not become still more complicated. 5971 -- Poul Anderson 5972% 5973I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere. 5974% 5975I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it. 5976% 5977I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!! 5978% 5979I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. 5980 -- Bill Hoest 5981% 5982I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once. 5983% 5984I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but 5985World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. 5986 -- Albert Einstein 5987% 5988I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! 5989The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building. 5990 -- Charles Schulz 5991% 5992I like being single. I'm always there when I need me. 5993 -- Art Leo 5994% 5995I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to 5996promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want 5997peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of 5998the way and let them have it. 5999 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 6000% 6001"I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours." 6002% 6003I like your game but we have to change the rules. 6004% 6005I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what 6006entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils. 6007 -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson 6008% 6009"I love to eat them Smurfies 6010 Smurfies what I love to eat 6011 Bite they ugly heads off, 6012 Nibble on they bluish feet." 6013% 6014I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but 6015don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the 6016speed of light. 6017 -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk 6018% 6019I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. 6020 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 6021% 6022I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a 6023week sometimes to make it up. 6024 -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad" 6025% 6026I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts! 6027% 6028I never fail to convince an audience that the best thing they could do 6029was to go away. 6030% 6031I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like. 6032% 6033I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation. 6034 -- G. B. Shaw 6035% 6036I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis! 6037 -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus) 6038% 6039I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the 6040kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled 6041substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no 6042restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we 6043made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given 6044powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative 6045nerve disease. 6046 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" 6047% 6048I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow! 6049% 6050I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob. 6051 -- William F. Buckley 6052% 6053 "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of 6054that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put 6055more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it 6056might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not 6057otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be 6058otherwise.'" 6059 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland" 6060% 6061I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that 6062the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional 6063congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile 6064so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the 6065plumber. 6066 6067But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such 6068as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of 6069the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never 6070win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually 6071write about, such as nose-picking. 6072 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against 6073 Political Fallout" 6074% 6075I really hate this damned machine 6076I wish that they would sell it. 6077It never does quite what I want 6078But only what I tell it. 6079% 6080I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. 6081% 6082I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope 6083they do get 'em lowered enough so people can afford to pay 'em. 6084 -- Will Rogers 6085% 6086I see the eigenvalue in thine eye, 6087I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh. 6088Bernoulli would have been content to die 6089Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(phi)! 6090 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 6091% 6092I sent a letter to the fish, 6093I told them, "This is what I wish." 6094The little fishes of the sea, 6095They sent an answer back to me. 6096The little fishes' answer was 6097"We cannot do it, sir, because ..." 6098I sent a letter back to say 6099It would be better to obey. 6100But someone came to me and said 6101"The little fishes are in bed." 6102I said to him, and I said it plain 6103"Then you must wake them up again." 6104I said it very loud and clear, 6105I went and shouted in his ear. 6106But he was very stiff and proud, 6107He said "You needn't shout so loud." 6108And he was very proud and stiff, 6109He said "I'll go and wake them if ..." 6110I took a kettle from the shelf, 6111I went to wake them up myself. 6112But when I found the door was locked 6113I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked, 6114And when I found the door was shut, 6115I tried to turn the handle, But ... 6116 6117 "Is that all?" asked Alice. 6118 "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye." 6119 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 6120% 6121I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck. 6122 -- Graffito in Los Angeles 6123% 6124"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was 6125supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which 6126actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..." 6127 -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning 6128 Points in l'Amour" 6129% 6130"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full 6131house and four people died." 6132 -- Steven Wright 6133% 6134I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to 6135see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. 6136 -- Shirley Temple 6137% 6138I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do 6139too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which 6140direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After 6141much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot 6142tub to face is up. 6143 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 6144% 6145I think it is true for all _n. I was just playing it safe with _n >= 3 6146because I couldn't remember the proof. 6147 -- Baker, Pure Math 351a 6148% 6149I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it. 6150% 6151I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick 6152and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this 6153country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people 6154in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly 6155not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am. 6156 -- Monty Python 6157% 6158I think that I shall never see 6159A billboard lovely as a tree. 6160Perhaps, unless the billboards fall 6161I'll never see a tree at all. 6162 -- Ogden Nash 6163% 6164I think that I shall never see 6165A thing as lovely as a tree. 6166But as you see the trees have gone 6167They went this morning with the dawn. 6168A logging firm from out of town 6169Came and chopped the trees all down. 6170But I will trick those dirty skunks 6171And write a brand new poem called "Trunks". 6172% 6173I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple 6174to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the 6175farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light 6176into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from 6177the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing 6178off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the 6179color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on 6180out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars 6181singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors. 6182 -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club 6183% 6184I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown 6185... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think 6186we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today. 6187When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we 6188are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was 6189driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa 6190Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin, 6191were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous 6192conversation ... 6193 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 6194% 6195"I thought you were trying to get into shape." 6196"I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle." 6197% 6198" ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a 6199pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!" 6200 -- Winston Churchill 6201% 6202I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in 6203twenty minutes. It's about Russia. 6204 -- Woody Allen 6205% 6206I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure. 6207% 6208I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance. 6209% 6210I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. 6211% 6212I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my 6213body. Then I realized who was telling me this. 6214 -- Emo Phillips 6215% 6216I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere 6217near the place. 6218 -- Steven Wright 6219% 6220I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to 6221animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for 6222anything connected with society except that which makes the roads 6223safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men and women 6224warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer. 6225 -- Brendan Behan 6226% 6227"I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St. 6228Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE 6229HAW"!!'" 6230 -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County" 6231% 6232I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know 6233anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is 6234a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows 6235up. 6236 -- Will Rogers 6237% 6238I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I 6239put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured 6240what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I 6241should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to 6242get off my driveway. 6243 -- Steven Wright 6244% 6245I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I 6246didn't know. 6247 -- Mark Twain 6248% 6249I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending 6250their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to 6251buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike. 6252 -- Emile Henry Gauvreay 6253% 6254I was playing poker the other night ... with Tarot cards. I got a full 6255house and four people died. 6256 -- Steven Wright 6257% 6258I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything 6259specific. 6260 -- Steven Wright 6261% 6262I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained 6263it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass 6264stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. 6265I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be 6266absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had 6267developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case. 6268Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's 6269temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I 6270chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to 6271the point where it would not run at all. 6272 -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black 6273 Holes and the Fate of Stars" 6274% 6275I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any 6276questions, I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the 6277speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen? 6278 6279He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work 6280for him then. 6281 -- Steven Wright 6282% 6283I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in 6284the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't 6285included. 6286 -- Steven Wright 6287% 6288"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the 6289statues that are in all the other museums." 6290 -- Steven Wright 6291% 6292I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that 6293it took seven others to beat him! 6294% 6295I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. 6296There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't seem to work. 6297 -- Gallagher 6298% 6299I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've 6300always worked for me. 6301 -- Hunter S. Thompson 6302% 6303I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. 6304% 6305"I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got 6306to undo it." 6307% 6308"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat." 6309% 6310"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I 6311snore." 6312% 6313"I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in 6314`Y.'" 6315% 6316"I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my 6317blender." 6318% 6319"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my 6320garage door." 6321% 6322"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from 6323Julian to Gregorian." 6324% 6325"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for 6326static cling." 6327% 6328"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered." 6329% 6330"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my 6331cottage cheese sculpture." 6332% 6333"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving." 6334% 6335"I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma 6336transplant." 6337% 6338"I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night." 6339% 6340"I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV." 6341% 6342"I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never 6343came back." 6344% 6345"I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to stay 6346tuned." 6347% 6348"I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that 6349need worrying about." 6350% 6351I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. 6352% 6353I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, 6354carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia, 6355I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun. 6356 -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H 6357% 6358I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd 6359listen to it! 6360 -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire 6361% 6362I'll grant thee random access to my heart, 6363Thou'lt tell me all the constants of thy love; 6364And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove 6365And in our bound partition never part. 6366 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 6367% 6368I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob. 6369That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood. 6370 -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones] 6371% 6372I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from man. 6373% 6374I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me! 6375% 6376I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my 6377sister. 6378% 6379I'm changing my name to Chrysler 6380I'm going down to Washington, D.C. 6381I'll tell some power broker 6382 What they did for Iacocca 6383Will be perfectly acceptable to me! 6384I'm changing my name to Chrysler, 6385I'm heading for that great receiving line. 6386When they hand a million grand out, 6387 I'll be standing with my hand out, 6388Yessir, I'll get mine! 6389 -- Tom Paxton 6390% 6391I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did. 6392% 6393I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to 6394die in. 6395 -- George McGovern 6396% 6397I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man. 6398 -- Fred Allen 6399% 6400I'm going to live forever, or die trying! 6401 -- Spider Robinson 6402% 6403... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a 6404KOSHER DELI!! 6405% 6406"I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?" 6407 -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate 6408% 6409i'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be 6410living apart. 6411 -- e. e. cummings 6412% 6413I'm N-ary the tree, I am, 6414N-ary the tree, I am, I am. 6415I'm getting traversed by the parser next door, 6416She's traversed me seven times before. 6417And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!) 6418Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!) 6419I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary. 6420N-ary the tree I am, I am, 6421N-ary the tree I am. 6422 -- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders 6423% 6424I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. 6425It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get. 6426% 6427I'm prepared for all emergencies but 6428totally unprepared for everyday life. 6429% 6430I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is 6431-- I could be just as proud for half the money. 6432 -- Arthur Godfrey 6433% 6434I'm rated PG-34!! 6435% 6436"I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... 6437Let's not talk again ____REAL soon ..." 6438% 6439I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it 6440(your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage. 6441 -- English Professor, Providence College 6442% 6443I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, 6444I know the scientific names of beings animalculous; 6445In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, 6446I am the very model of a modern Major-General. 6447 -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance" 6448% 6449"I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's 6450lives" 6451% 6452I've built a better model than the one at Data General 6453For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral 6454My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality; 6455My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality. 6456My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity, 6457You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity; 6458There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting; 6459My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting. 6460 6461I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point: 6462There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point, 6463Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral 6464I've built a better model than the one at Data General. 6465 6466 -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of 6467 "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance", 6468 by Gilbert & Sullivan) 6469% 6470I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand. 6471% 6472I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was 6473this little hole in the bottom ... 6474 -- John Croll 6475% 6476I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself. 6477% 6478I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. 6479 -- Groucho Marx 6480% 6481I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes 6482on the same day. 6483% 6484I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer. 6485% 6486I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer 6487 -- Senator Claghorn 6488% 6489I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness; 6490And from that full meridian of my glory 6491I haste now to my setting. I shall fall, 6492Like a bright exhalation in the evening 6493And no man see me more. 6494 -- Shakespeare 6495% 6496IBM had a PL/I, 6497 Its syntax worse than JOSS; 6498And everywhere this language went, 6499 It was a total loss. 6500% 6501Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box 6502of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. 6503% 6504Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like 6505solitary confinement. 6506% 6507Idiot Box, n.: 6508 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the 6509 stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. 6510 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 6511% 6512Idiot, n.: 6513 A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human 6514 affairs has always been dominant and controlling. 6515 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 6516% 6517If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape 6518at about 30 miles/second. 6519 -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming 6520% 6521If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. 6522 -- Roy Santoro 6523% 6524If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far. 6525 -- Paul White 6526% 6527If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus 6528forecast is a camel's behind. 6529 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 6530% 6531If A equals success, then the formula is _A = _X + _Y + _Z. _X is work. _Y 6532is play. _Z is keep your mouth shut. 6533 -- Albert Einstein 6534% 6535If a group of _N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be _N-1 6536passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager. 6537 -- T. Cheatham 6538% 6539If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four 6540hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where 6541it votes guilty. 6542 -- Joseph C. Goulden 6543% 6544If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake 6545him up. 6546% 6547If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country. 6548% 6549If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have 6550dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to 6551maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it 6552must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf. 6553 -- Donald A. Metz 6554% 6555If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good 6556attitude. If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to 6557playing the game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- 6558unless, of course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager 6559can make goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry? 6560 -- Sparky Anderson 6561% 6562If all be true that I do think, 6563There be Five Reasons why one should Drink; 6564Good friends, good wine, or being dry, 6565Or lest we should be by-and-by, 6566Or any other reason why. 6567% 6568If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular 6569error. 6570 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 6571% 6572If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot 6573platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave 6574that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska. 6575% 6576If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. 6577 -- Paul Beatty 6578% 6579If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a 6580conclusion. 6581 -- William Baumol 6582% 6583If an S and an I and an O and a U 6584With an X at the end spell Su; 6585And an E and a Y and an E spell I, 6586Pray what is a speller to do? 6587Then, if also an S and an I and a G 6588And an HED spell side, 6589There's nothing much left for a speller to do 6590But to go commit siouxeyesighed. 6591 -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament" 6592% 6593If anything can go wrong, it will. 6594% 6595If at first you don't succeed, give up. No use being a damn fool. 6596% 6597If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. 6598% 6599If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four 6600tellers? 6601% 6602If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television? 6603% 6604If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from? 6605% 6606If everybody minded their own business, the world would go 6607around a deal faster. 6608 -- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass" 6609% 6610If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane. 6611% 6612... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with 6613the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls 6614asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ... 6615 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 6616% 6617If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three 6618to a can. 6619% 6620If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire. 6621% 6622If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet. 6623% 6624If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit 6625Ears. 6626% 6627If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads. 6628% 6629If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with 6630green, baggy skin. 6631% 6632If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. 6633% 6634If God had not given us sticky tape, 6635it would have been necessary to invent it. 6636% 6637If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger 6638hands. 6639% 6640If God is dead, who will save the Queen? 6641% 6642If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions? 6643% 6644If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows. 6645 -- Yiddish saying 6646% 6647If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs? 6648 -- Marvin Kitman 6649% 6650"If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be 6651replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!" 6652% 6653If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive! 6654 -- Samuel Goldwyn 6655% 6656If I don't drive around the park, 6657I'm pretty sure to make my mark. 6658If I'm in bed each night by ten, 6659I may get back my looks again. 6660If I abstain from fun and such, 6661I'll probably amount to much; 6662But I shall stay the way I am, 6663Because I do not give a damn. 6664 -- Dorothy Parker 6665% 6666If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture. 6667% 6668If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, 6669I'd sell the plantation and go home. 6670 -- Eugene P. Gallagher 6671% 6672If I had any humility I would be perfect. 6673 -- Ted Turner 6674% 6675If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith. 6676 -- Albert Einstein 6677% 6678If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the 6679shoulders of giants. 6680 -- Isaac Newton 6681 6682In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side 6683with the giants on whose shoulders we stand. 6684 -- Gerald Holton 6685 6686If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing 6687on my shoulders. 6688 -- Hal Abelson 6689 6690In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. 6691 -- Brian K. Reid 6692% 6693If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction. 6694 6695On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is 6696also a psychological interaction. 6697 6698The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so 6699friendly. 6700 6701The crucial point is if you can tell which is which. 6702 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 6703% 6704If I traveled to the end of the rainbow 6705As Dame Fortune did intend, 6706Murphy would be there to tell me 6707The pot's at the other end. 6708 -- Bert Whitney 6709% 6710If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? 6711% 6712If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune. 6713% 6714If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. 6715They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun 6716of it. 6717 -- Thomas Carlyle 6718% 6719"If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they 6720forgot to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll 6721just think the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. 6722And if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* 6723pieces of mail get lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken! 6724And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa is down and 6725think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to 6726receive Net Mail ..." 6727 -- Leith (Casey) Leedom 6728% 6729If life is a stage, I want some better lighting. 6730% 6731If little else, the brain is an educational toy. 6732 -- Tom Robbins 6733% 6734If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women 6735you've got in the house. 6736 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 6737% 6738If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by 6739the page number. 6740% 6741If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it. 6742% 6743If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think 6744little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and 6745Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination. 6746 -- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859) 6747% 6748If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants. 6749 -- A. Einstein. 6750% 6751If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit 6752in my name at a Swiss bank. 6753 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 6754% 6755If only I could be respected without having to be respectable. 6756% 6757If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without 6758having to accomplish anything. 6759% 6760If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, 6761he should see how bad it is with representation. 6762% 6763If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of 6764arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the 6765physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker 6766entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability. 6767 -- Vannevar Bush 6768% 6769If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied 6770harder. 6771 -- Pope John Paul I 6772% 6773If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem. 6774 -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234 6775% 6776If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would 6777presumably flunk it. 6778 -- Stanley Garn 6779% 6780If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. 6781 -- Norm Schryer 6782% 6783If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to 6784get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. 6785See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving 6786the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting 6787that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The 6788college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious 6789and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to 6790rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective. 6791Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure 6792interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by 6793opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for 6794himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for 6795boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor. 6796 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 6797% 6798If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me! 6799 -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920) 6800% 6801If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances 6802are 50-50 it will. 6803% 6804If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. 6805If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. 6806If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance 6807will exceed all expectations. 6808 -- Reverend Chichester 6809% 6810If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams. 6811% 6812If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that 6813will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. 6814% 6815If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? 6816 -- Art Hoppe 6817% 6818If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make 6819something out of you. 6820 -- Muhammad Ali 6821% 6822If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it. 6823% 6824If this is timesharing, give me my share right now. 6825% 6826If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? 6827% 6828If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was 6829yesterday? 6830% 6831If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is 6832doing the thinking. 6833 -- Lyndon Baines Johnson 6834% 6835If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. 6836 -- Laurence J. Peter 6837% 6838If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely. 6839% 6840If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage. 6841% 6842If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel 6843in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary 6844qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted. 6845 -- Marguerite Emmons 6846% 6847If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it? 6848 -- Ann Edwards-Duff 6849% 6850If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. 6851 -- J. Paul Getty 6852% 6853If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. 6854% 6855If you can read this, you're too close. 6856% 6857If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything. 6858% 6859If you can't be good, be careful. 6860If you can't be careful, give me a call. 6861% 6862If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. 6863% 6864If you cannot convince them, confuse them. 6865 -- Harry S Truman 6866% 6867If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? 6868% 6869If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. 6870% 6871If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours. 6872 -- Clarence Day 6873% 6874If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter. 6875 -- Freeman Dyson 6876% 6877"If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little 6878Lavoris in the toilet." 6879 -- Jay Leno 6880% 6881If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to 6882either of you for the rest of the day. 6883% 6884If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to 6885have to get a toehold in the public eye. 6886% 6887If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody 6888will. 6889% 6890If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, 6891it will always do it. 6892 -- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin 6893% 6894If you go on with this nuclear arms race, 6895all you are going to do is make the rubble bounce. 6896 -- Winston Churchill 6897% 6898If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous. 6899% 6900If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. 6901% 6902If you have to hate, hate gently. 6903% 6904If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to 6905boot yourself in the posterior. 6906 -- A. J. Liebling, "The Press" 6907% 6908If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away. 6909% 6910If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. 6911 -- Graham Summer 6912% 6913If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few 6914people die past the age of a hundred. 6915 -- George Burns 6916% 6917If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; 6918but if you really make them think they'll hate you. 6919% 6920If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. 6921 -- Maslow 6922% 6923If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure 6924can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly 6925develop. 6926% 6927If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite 6928you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. 6929 -- Mark Twain 6930% 6931If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, 6932you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get 6933ice, but no cup. 6934% 6935If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But 6936this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is 6937somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it. 6938% 6939If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're 6940the sucker. 6941% 6942If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair. 6943% 6944If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker, 6945It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock. 6946 Or some joker who is slicker, 6947 Will trick you of your liquor, 6948If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock. 6949% 6950If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. 6951 -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard 6952% 6953If you think last Tuesday was a drag, 6954wait till you see what happens tomorrow! 6955% 6956If you think nobody cares if you're alive, 6957try missing a couple of car payments. 6958 -- Earl Wilson 6959% 6960If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. 6961 -- Arthur Kasspe 6962% 6963If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest 6964shopping center in the world? 6965 -- Richard M. Nixon 6966% 6967If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would 6968be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call 6969you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw 6970another party next year. 6971 6972What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up 6973several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've 6974been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to 6975avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning 6976parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from 6977having another one ... 6978 6979If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless 6980your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas 6981through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure 6982that they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting 6983someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ... 6984 -- Dave Barry 6985% 6986If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them 6987end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable. 6988 -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten" 6989% 6990If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything. 6991 -- A. L. 6992% 6993If you want divine justice, die. 6994 -- Nick Seldon 6995% 6996If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people 6997he gave it to. 6998 -- Dorothy Parker 6999% 7000If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the 7001Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's 7002statecraft. Instead, read selected portions of the Washington 7003telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with 7004titles beginning with the word "National". 7005 -- George Will 7006% 7007If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every 7008word you say, talk in your sleep. 7009% 7010"If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some 7011memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it, 7012even if they don't know what it means." 7013 -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party" 7014% 7015If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one. 7016% 7017If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for 7018tomorrow morning, sleep late. 7019 -- Henny Youngman 7020% 7021If you're happy, you're successful. 7022% 7023 If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs 7024around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace 7025explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The 7026"professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and 7027deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the 7028better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random 7029with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives 7030you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a 7031successful campaign for the U.S. Senate. 7032 And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself. 7033You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How 7034difficult can it be?" 7035 Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible, 7036which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying 7037other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up 7038yourself for far less money. This article can help you. 7039 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 7040% 7041If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. 7042% 7043If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory. 7044 -- Benjamin Disraeli 7045% 7046If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%? 7047% 7048If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it 7049off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe? 7050% 7051If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all. 7052 -- Ronald Reagan 7053% 7054Ignisecond, n.: 7055 The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car 7056 door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!" 7057 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 7058% 7059Il brilgue: les tôves libricilleux 7060 Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave, 7061Enmîmés sont les gougebosquex, 7062 Et le mômerade horgrave. 7063 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 7064% 7065Iles's Law: 7066 There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly 7067at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it. 7068Neither will Iles. 7069% 7070Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the 7071land He's trying to ignore. 7072% 7073Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. 7074 -- Jules de Gaultier 7075% 7076"Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the 7077usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody 7078thinks of complaining." 7079 -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal 7080% 7081Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has 7082a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk 7083storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on 7084voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. 7085What's the first question that the computer community asks? 7086 7087"Is it PC compatible?" 7088% 7089Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. 7090 -- Jack Paar 7091% 7092Immortality -- a fate worse than death. 7093 -- Edgar A. Shoaff 7094% 7095Impartial, adj.: 7096 Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from 7097 espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two 7098 conflicting opinions. 7099 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7100% 7101Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the 7102mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the 7103Boss is reading it. 7104% 7105Impossible, adj.: 7106 (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve; 7107 (2) I can't be bothered; 7108 (3) God can't be bothered. 7109 Meaning (3) may perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck. 7110 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" 7111% 7112In 1750 Isaac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of 7113stairs. 7114% 7115In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled 7116waffles. 7117% 7118In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't 7119get parts. 7120% 7121In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The 7122creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across. 7123% 7124In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred 7125syrup. 7126% 7127In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only 7128we can't control when the five year period will begin. 7129% 7130 In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, 7131junior, what are you up to?" 7132 "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the 7133rabbit. 7134 "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!" 7135 "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the 7136rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied 7137expression on his face. 7138 Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?" 7139 "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits 7140devour wolves." 7141 "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?" 7142 "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes 7143out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw. 7144Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody 7145should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting 7146next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox. 7147 7148The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important -- 7149it's your PhD advisor that really counts. 7150% 7151In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth" 7152Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex. 7153 -- Frank Mankiewicz 7154% 7155In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, 7156"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man." 7157 -- Mark Twain 7158% 7159In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground 7160with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call 7161this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf. 7162% 7163In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so 7164sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All 7165those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the 7166devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up 7167as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you. 7168 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 7169% 7170In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one 7171of the risks he takes. 7172 -- Adlai Stevenson 7173% 7174In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own 7175incompetency 7176 -- The Peter Principle 7177% 7178In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) 7179are to be treated as variables. 7180% 7181In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of 7182nations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir. 7183 -- Stuart Keate 7184% 7185In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own 7186at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public. 7187% 7188In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs. 7189% 7190In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools 7191will be temporarily canceled. 7192% 7193In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and 7194make it better. 7195% 7196In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle 7197a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order 7198to get her attention. 7199% 7200In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride 7201in any motor vehicle. 7202% 7203In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable. 7204 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery 7205% 7206In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door 7207neighbor. 7208% 7209In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset. 7210% 7211In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last 7212resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but 7213inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. 7214 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7215% 7216In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our 7217programming languages. 7218% 7219In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on 7220the sidewalks when a concert is on. 7221% 7222In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come 7223into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish 7224between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which 7225will only make it mushy. 7226 -- Mark Twain 7227% 7228In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your 7229pocket. 7230% 7231In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any 7232pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while 7233either flying or waiting to board a plane. 7234% 7235In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless 7236there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red 7237flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. 7238% 7239In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as 7240to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the 7241speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00. 7242% 7243In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the 7244universe. 7245 -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos 7246% 7247In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, 7248intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from 7249the cares of office. 7250 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7251% 7252In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds 7253and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane. 7254% 7255In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying 7256of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public 7257view." 7258% 7259In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space 7260Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways. 7261Our asymptotes no longer out of phase, 7262We shall encounter, counting, face to face. 7263 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 7264% 7265In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that 7266is over six feet in length. 7267% 7268In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way. 7269 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 7270% 7271"In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian." 7272% 7273In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's. 7274% 7275In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a 7276moving automobile. 7277% 7278[In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You 7279could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense 7280that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ... 7281 7282And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory 7283over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we 7284didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no 7285point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; 7286we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave .... 7287 7288So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in 7289Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost 7290___see the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and 7291rolled back. 7292 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" 7293% 7294In the beginning was the word. 7295But by the time the second word was added to it, 7296there was trouble. 7297For with it came syntax ... 7298 -- John Simon 7299% 7300In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he sat 7301hacking at the PDP-6. "What are you doing?", asked Minsky. "I am 7302training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe." "Why is the 7303net wired randomly?", asked Minsky. "I do not want it to have any 7304preconceptions of how to play." Minsky shut his eyes. "Why do you 7305close your eyes?", Sussman asked his teacher. "So the room will be 7306empty." At that moment, Sussman was enlightened. 7307% 7308In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in 7309the proper order then why can't he? 7310% 7311In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun 7312is driven by the Grateful Dead. 7313 -- Egyptian Book of the Dead 7314% 7315In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble. 7316 -- Alan Perlis 7317% 7318In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or 7319a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it 7320to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by 7321forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you 7322stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit 7323punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong 7324enough to punch you. 7325 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 7326% 7327In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has 7328shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the 7329Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million 7330three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years 7331from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. 7332... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such 7333wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of 7334fact. 7335 -- Mark Twain 7336% 7337In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to 7338drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at 7339discotheques. 7340 -- Art Linkletter 7341% 7342In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take 7343my advice. 7344 -- Winston Churchill 7345% 7346In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without 7347the supervision of a licensed engineer. 7348% 7349In West Union, Ohio, no married man can go flying without his spouse 7350along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months. 7351% 7352Incumbent, n.: 7353 Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents. 7354 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7355% 7356... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves 7357smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is 7358not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery. 7359 -- Stephen Crane 7360% 7361Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares? 7362% 7363Individualists unite! 7364% 7365Infancy, n.: 7366 The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven 7367 lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon 7368 afterward. 7369 -- Ambrose Bierce 7370% 7371Information Center, n.: 7372 A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is 7373 to tell you why you cannot have the information you require. 7374% 7375Ingrate, n.: 7376 A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of 7377 indigestion. 7378% 7379Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. 7380 -- Martin Luther King, Jr. 7381% 7382Ink, n.: 7383 A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and 7384 water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and 7385 promote intellectual crime. 7386 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7387 [alternately attributed to H. L. Mencken] 7388% 7389Innovation is hard to schedule. 7390 -- Dan Fylstra 7391% 7392Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. 7393% 7394Insanity is the final defense. It's hard to get a refund when the 7395salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon. 7396% 7397Interpreter, n.: 7398 One who enables two persons of different languages to understand 7399 each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the 7400 interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. 7401 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7402% 7403Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure. 7404% 7405 INVENTORY 7406Four be the things I am wiser to know: 7407Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. 7408 7409Four be the things I'd been better without: 7410Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. 7411 7412Three be the things I shall never attain: 7413Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. 7414 7415Three be the things I shall have till I die: 7416Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye. 7417% 7418Iron Law of Distribution: 7419 Them that has, gets. 7420% 7421Irrationality is the square root of all evil. 7422 -- Douglas Hofstadter 7423% 7424Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is 7425meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a 7426soap bubble? 7427% 7428Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the 7429beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get 7430out, and such as are out wish to get in? 7431 -- Ralph Emerson 7432% 7433Is your job running? You'd better go catch it! 7434% 7435Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction 7436listen to weather forecasts and economists? 7437 -- Kelvin Throop III 7438% 7439Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune 7440tellers take economists seriously? 7441% 7442Issawi's Laws of Progress: 7443 7444 The Course of Progress: 7445 Most things get steadily worse. 7446 7447 The Path of Progress: 7448 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. 7449% 7450It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working 7451as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he 7452had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked, 7453"What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed 7454Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival 7455came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer 7456this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the 7457Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so. 7458To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's 7459your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked, 7460"Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?" 7461% 7462It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown 7463came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and 7464applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I 7465think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the 7466wits, who believe that it is a joke. 7467% 7468It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is 7469thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have 7470drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. 7471 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 7472% 7473It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself 7474that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____only* by amusing oneself that 7475one can learn." 7476 -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman 7477% 7478It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have 7479been searching for evidence which could support this. 7480 -- Bertrand Russell 7481% 7482It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. 7483% 7484It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to 7485program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in 7486organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be 7487self-critical? 7488 -- Alan Perlis 7489% 7490It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of 7491Urbana, Illinois. 7492% 7493It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will 7494not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves 7495and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like 7496mature human beings ... 7497 -- Playboy, January 1983 7498% 7499It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a 7500pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the 7501sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color. 7502 -- Voltaire 7503% 7504It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what 7505they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed 7506that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so 7507much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins 7508had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But 7509conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more 7510intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons. 7511 7512Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending 7513destruction of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to 7514alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were 7515misinterpreted ... 7516 -- Douglas Adams "The Hitch-Hikers' Guide To The 7517 Galaxy" 7518% 7519It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be 7520coming up it. 7521 -- Henry Allen 7522% 7523It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck? 7524One in a million, perhaps. 7525% 7526It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark. 7527% 7528It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three 7529benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never 7530to use either. 7531 -- Mark Twain 7532% 7533It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both 7534incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by 7535twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. 7536 -- Rod Serling 7537% 7538It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is 7539lightly greased. 7540 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 7541% 7542It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its 7543proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community 7544a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to 7545treat your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the 7546focus of attention, the harder the task. 7547 -- Sydney J. Harris 7548% 7549It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa. 7550% 7551It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 7552% 7553It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one. 7554% 7555It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because 7556if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of 7557people. 7558 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 7559% 7560It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood 7561Boulevard at one time. 7562% 7563It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia. 7564% 7565It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry 7566a tune. 7567 -- Woody Allen 7568% 7569It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so 7570ingenious. 7571% 7572It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not 7573desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. 7574 -- Woody Allen 7575% 7576It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our 7577offense consists in doubting it. 7578 -- Justice Robert H. Jackson 7579% 7580It is much easier to suggest solutions 7581when you know nothing about the problem. 7582% 7583It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be 7584privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to 7585corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles. 7586 -- George Bernard Shaw 7587% 7588It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. 7589 -- Gore Vidal 7590% 7591It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one 7592damn thing over and over. 7593 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay 7594% 7595It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is? 7596 -- Elizabeth Carpenter 7597% 7598It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit. 7599% 7600It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that 7601virginity could be a virtue. 7602 -- Voltaire 7603% 7604It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their 7605dignity. 7606% 7607It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared 7608to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great. 7609 -- Havelock Ellis 7610% 7611It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to 7612students that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential 7613programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration. 7614 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 7615% 7616It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the 7617lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as 7618high as the eagle? 7619% 7620It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a 7621statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more 7622glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through 7623which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the 7624day, that is the highest of arts. 7625 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live" 7626% 7627It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad 7628crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed 7629until the other has gone. 7630% 7631It is the business of little minds to shrink. 7632 -- Carl Sandburg 7633% 7634It is the business of the future to be dangerous. 7635 -- Hawkwind 7636% 7637It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for 7638five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But 7639it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you. 7640% 7641It is very difficult to prophesy, especially when it pertains to the 7642future. 7643% 7644It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. 7645% 7646It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too 7647good either if you speak when your head is empty. 7648% 7649It may be that your whole purpose in life 7650is simply to serve as a warning to others. 7651% 7652"It runs like _x, where _x is something unsavory" 7653 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 7654% 7655It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the 7656flag. 7657% 7658It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the 7659municipality. 7660 -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio 7661% 7662It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, 7663but I couldn't give up because by that time I was too famous. 7664 -- Robert Benchley 7665% 7666It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. 7667% 7668It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set 7669foot. 7670% 7671It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a 7672breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was 7673broken ... 7674 -- James Dent 7675% 7676It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps 7677I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I 7678don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and 7679the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual 7680charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its 7681novelty .... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but 7682yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable 7683man a lifetime. 7684 -- Thomas Aldrich 7685% 7686 It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east 7687laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The 7688thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, 7689nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying 7690for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's. 7691 Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating 7692under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting 7693icepacks. 7694 -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 7695% 7696It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. It was more like 7697the rose and the teeth were in the same glass. 7698% 7699It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on 7700the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work. 7701% 7702It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human 7703nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant 7704examples. 7705 -- Charles Dickens 7706% 7707It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing 7708warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or 7709two things still safe to eat. 7710 -- Robert Fuoss 7711% 7712It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. 7713 -- Andrew Jackson 7714% 7715It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear. 7716 -- Cheers 7717% 7718It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for. 7719% 7720"It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it." 7721 -- Steven Wright 7722% 7723"It's a summons." 7724"What's a summons?" 7725"It means summon's in trouble." 7726 -- Rocky and Bullwinkle 7727% 7728It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead. 7729 -- Churchy La Femme 7730% 7731It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black. 7732% 7733It's bad luck to be superstitious. 7734 -- Andrew W. Mathis 7735% 7736It's better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all. 7737 -- Marty Winch 7738% 7739"It's easier said than done." 7740 7741... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than 7742said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than 7743said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than 7744done". 7745% 7746It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. 7747% 7748It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for 7749being right. 7750% 7751It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour! 7752 -- Macy's 7753% 7754It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse. 7755% 7756It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. 7757If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't 7758our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. 7759 -- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News" 7760% 7761It's just a jump to the left 7762 And then a step to the right. 7763Put your hands on your hips 7764 And pull your knees in tight. 7765It's the pelvic thrust 7766 That really gets you insa-a-a-a-ane 7767 7768 LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! 7769 7770 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show 7771% 7772"It's kind of fun to do the impossible." 7773 -- Walt Disney 7774% 7775"It's Like This" 7776 7777Even the samurai 7778have teddy bears, 7779and even the teddy bears 7780get drunk. 7781% 7782It's lucky you're going so slowly, because 7783you're going in the wrong direction. 7784% 7785"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name." 7786% 7787It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre. 7788 -- Sam Goldwyn 7789% 7790It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how 7791to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair. 7792 -- George Burns 7793% 7794It's not an optical illusion; it just looks like one. 7795 -- Phil White 7796% 7797It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either. 7798 -- Kevin White, mayor of Boston 7799% 7800It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too. 7801 -- Alexander Korda 7802% 7803It's not just a computer -- it's your ass. 7804 -- Cal Keegan 7805% 7806It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's 7807what you're taking for it... 7808% 7809It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off 7810the ground. 7811 -- Daniel B. Luten 7812% 7813It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it 7814happens. 7815 -- Woody Allen 7816% 7817It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips. 7818 -- Garfield 7819% 7820It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that 7821English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many 7822other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case. 7823 -- Sydney J. Harris 7824% 7825It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ... 7826% 7827It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles. 7828% 7829It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the 7830Devil when he is the only explanation of it. 7831% 7832It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which 7833raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody 7834not to. 7835 -- Franklin P. Jones 7836% 7837It's the thought, if any, that counts! 7838% 7839 JACK AND THE BEANSTACK 7840 by Mark Isaak 7841 7842 Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL 7843character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their 7844hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices 7845are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some 7846BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it 7847to him. 7848 So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path, 7849he met the traveling salesman. 7850 "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman 7851in high-level language. 7852 "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips 7853and Apples," commented Jack. 7854 "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue 7855there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now." 7856 Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when 7857he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she 7858started thrashing. 7859 "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these 7860kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the 7861window ... 7862% 7863Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: 7864 No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the 7865 legislature is in session. 7866% 7867James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total 7868indifference to public notice to be universally recognized. 7869 -- Tom Stoppard 7870% 7871Jenkinson's Law: 7872 It won't work. 7873% 7874Jesus Saves, 7875Moses Invests, 7876But only Buddha pays Dividends. 7877% 7878Job Placement, n.: 7879 Telling your boss what he can do with your job. 7880% 7881Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes! 7882% 7883Johnson's First Law: 7884 When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the 7885most inconvenient possible time. 7886% 7887Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called 7888"Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do 7889anything loses. 7890% 7891Join the march to save individuality! 7892% 7893Jone's Law: 7894 The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone 7895to blame it on. 7896% 7897Jone's Motto: 7898 Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. 7899% 7900Jones's First Law: 7901 Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of 7902 endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an 7903 obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the 7904 importance of their original contribution. 7905% 7906Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac 7907(and nobody cares about it). 7908 -- Bill Joy 6/21/85 7909% 7910Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good 7911solutions seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires 7912one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the 7913winner. The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is 7914because neither side has all the facts. Therefore, when the wise 7915mediator effects a compromise, he is not acting from political 7916motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep sense of respect for the 7917whole truth. 7918 -- Stephen R. Schwambach 7919% 7920Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has 7921changed. 7922 -- Irene Peter 7923% 7924Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you. 7925% 7926Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he 7927knows what it is. 7928% 7929Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you 7930get a prompt, type like hell. 7931% 7932Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't 7933immune to bullets 7934 -- The Brigadier, "Dr. Who" 7935% 7936"Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some 7937of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?" 7938 -- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US 7939% 7940Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to 7941twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty! 7942% 7943`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried, 7944 As he landed his crew with care; 7945Supporting each man on the top of the tide 7946 By a finger entwined in his hair. 7947 7948'Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice: 7949 That alone should encourage the crew. 7950Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice: 7951 What I tell you three times is true.' 7952% 7953Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a 7954faster rat!!! 7955% 7956Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven! 7957 -- Michael J. Wagner 7958% 7959Justice is incidental to law and order. 7960 -- J. Edgar Hoover 7961% 7962Justice, n.: 7963 A decision in your favor. 7964% 7965K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining; 7966 Cobol's wordy and confining; 7967 KOBOLDS topple when you strike them; 7968 Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them. 7969 -- The Roguelet's ABC 7970% 7971Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to 7972wear tail lights. 7973% 7974Katz' Law: 7975 Man and nations will act rationally when all other 7976 possibilities have been exhausted. 7977% 7978Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans. 7979% 7980Keep Cool, but Don't Freeze 7981 -- Hellman's Mayonnaise 7982% 7983Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis. 7984% 7985Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo. 7986% 7987Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee: 7988 (1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc 7989 straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this 7990 force is technically termed "car suck"). 7991 (2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive 7992 than "Watch this!" 7993% 7994Keep your Eye on the Ball, 7995Your Shoulder to the Wheel, 7996Your Nose to the Grindstone, 7997Your Feet on the Ground, 7998Your Head on your Shoulders. 7999Now ... try to get something DONE! 8000% 8001Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most 8002automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gage, nor any of the 8003numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the 8004driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the 8005dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know 8006what's wrong." 8007% 8008Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: 8009 Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students, 8010and parking for the faculty. 8011% 8012Kids have *_____never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could 8013travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the 8014original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate 8015teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for 8016grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate 8017teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves. 8018 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do" 8019% 8020Kin, n.: 8021 An affliction of the blood. 8022% 8023Kinkler's First Law: 8024 Responsibility always exceeds authority. 8025 8026Kinkler's Second Law: 8027 All the easy problems have been solved. 8028% 8029"Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack." 8030% 8031Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through 8032any of its streets. 8033% 8034Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. 8035% 8036Kiss your keyboard goodbye! 8037% 8038Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within. 8039% 8040Klein bottle for sale ... inquire within. 8041% 8042Kleptomaniac, n.: 8043 A rich thief. 8044 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8045% 8046Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A. 8047% 8048Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. 8049 -- Henry N. Camp 8050% 8051Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr): 8052 The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. 8053 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 8054% 8055Labor, n.: 8056 One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. 8057 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8058% 8059Lackland's Laws: 8060 (1) Never be first. 8061 (2) Never be last. 8062 (3) Never volunteer for anything. 8063% 8064Lactomangulation, n.: 8065 Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly 8066 that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. 8067 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 8068% 8069Ladybug, ladybug, 8070Look to your stern! 8071Your house is on fire, 8072Your children will burn! 8073So jump ye and sing, for 8074The very first time 8075The four lines above 8076Have been put into rhyme. 8077 -- Walt Kelly 8078% 8079Laetrile is the pits. 8080% 8081Langsam's Laws: 8082 (1) Everything depends. 8083 (2) Nothing is always. 8084 (3) Everything is sometimes. 8085% 8086Larkinson's Law: 8087 All laws are basically false. 8088% 8089Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with 8090was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting 8091pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the 8092farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their 8093sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do 8094you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her? 8095What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead 8096of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under 8097the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops 8098whatsoever. They probably got by on federal crop supports, which 8099Lassie filed the applications for. 8100 -- Dave Barry 8101% 8102Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment 8103had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate. I told this to 8104my friend -- he said, `Do I know you?' 8105 -- Steven Wright 8106% 8107Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police 8108record. I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense 8109of humor. 8110% 8111Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won. 8112% 8113Laugh at your problems; everybody else does. 8114% 8115Laughter is the closest distance between two people. 8116 -- Victor Borge 8117% 8118Law of Communications: 8119 The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications 8120 between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased 8121 area of misunderstanding. 8122% 8123Law of Probable Dispersal: 8124 Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 8125% 8126Law of Selective Gravity: 8127 An object will fall so as to do the most damage. 8128 8129Jenning's Corollary: 8130 The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is 8131 directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. 8132 8133Law of the Perversity of Nature: 8134 You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the 8135 bread to butter. 8136% 8137Law of the Perversity of Nature: 8138 You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the 8139 bread to butter. 8140% 8141Laws of Serendipity: 8142 8143 (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for 8144 something. 8145 (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already 8146 be engaged in making an inferior one. 8147% 8148Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: 8149 No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- 8150 approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. 8151% 8152Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads. 8153% 8154Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and 8155everything else follows in the same way. 8156 -- Alan J. Perlis 8157% 8158Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. 8159% 8160Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the 8161fun? 8162% 8163Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907: 8164 Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour 8165unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a 8166drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he 8167can. 8168% 8169Leibowitz's Rule: 8170 When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you 8171 hold the hammer with both hands. 8172% 8173LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) 8174 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are 8175 pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike 8176 honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people 8177 are thieves. 8178% 8179LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) 8180 Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. 8181 Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because 8182 you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of 8183 fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got 8184 a sick sense of humor. 8185% 8186Let He who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday. 8187% 8188Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a 8189number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash 8190and another number. 8191 -- James Estes 8192% 8193Let us live!!! 8194Let us love!!! 8195Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!! 8196 8197You first. 8198% 8199Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every 8200relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you 8201really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the 8202end. For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the 8203qualities I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and 8204bossy ... Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind 8205his back. 8206 -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn 8207% 8208Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick 8209your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as 8210Mental Anguish. You would sue: 8211 8212* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions 8213 section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand 8214 into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls 8215 in there". 8216 8217* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious 8218 cretin like yourself. 8219 8220* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this 8221 case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you 8222 a large cash settlement anyway. 8223 -- Dave Barry 8224% 8225Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often 8226overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of 8227dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your 8228tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to 8229spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe 8230money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will 8231probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? 8232It's not his money. 8233 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 8234% 8235LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London) 8236 8237Dear Sir, 8238 8239I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or 8240to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in 8241public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result 8242in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn 8243will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed 8244agricultural industry. 8245 8246Yours faithfully, 8247 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P. 8248 Sevenoaks 8249% 8250Lewis's Law of Travel: 8251 The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to 8252 anyone, ever. 8253% 8254Liar, n.: 8255 A lawyer with a roving commission. 8256 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8257% 8258Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have. 8259 -- Harry Emerson Fosdick 8260% 8261LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22) 8262 Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your 8263 desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and 8264 polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that. 8265% 8266LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22) 8267 You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with 8268 reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. 8269 Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most 8270 Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal 8271 disease. 8272% 8273Lie, n.: 8274 A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one 8275 discovered to date. 8276% 8277Lieberman's Law: 8278 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. 8279% 8280Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. 8281% 8282Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string. 8283% 8284Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to 8285eat it nevertheless. 8286 -- Flaubert 8287% 8288Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it. 8289% 8290Life is like a simile. 8291% 8292Life is like an analogy. 8293% 8294Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, 8295and then you find there is nothing in it. 8296 -- James Huneker 8297% 8298Life is too important to take seriously. 8299 -- Corky Siegel 8300% 8301Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, 8302it may have a meaning of which I disapprove. 8303% 8304"Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility" 8305 -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie 8306% 8307Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it 8308weren't for other people 8309 -- Blore 8310% 8311Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. 8312% 8313Life: loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it. 8314 -- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 8315% 8316Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made 8317sense from things she found in gift shops. 8318 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 8319% 8320Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking 8321for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. 8322 -- Alan McKay 8323% 8324Limericks are art forms complex, 8325Their topics run chiefly to sex. 8326 They usually have virgins, 8327 And masculine urgin's, 8328And other erotic effects. 8329% 8330Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations. 8331% 8332Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe 8333 we should think only about today. 8334Charlie Brown: 8335 No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get 8336 better. 8337% 8338Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night. 8339 -- Candice Bergen 8340% 8341Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip 8342around the Sun. 8343% 8344Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted 8345before. 8346% 8347Lizzie Borden took an axe, 8348And plunged it deep into the VAX; 8349Don't you envy people who 8350Do all the things ___YOU want to do? 8351% 8352Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these 8353interest rates, we don't need it." 8354% 8355Lobster: 8356 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are 8357squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the 8358only proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to 8359eliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial 8360before they're cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most 8361ferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime 8362in the reefs. Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its 8363unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of 8364the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, 8365"Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a 8366memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe 8367at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. 8368Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be, 8369too. 8370 -- Dave Barry, "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and 8371 Utensils into Excuses and Apologies" 8372% 8373Lockwood's Long Shot: 8374 The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't 8375 one in a million, but once would be enough. 8376% 8377Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____awful*. 8378% 8379... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and 8380legally ... impeccable! 8381% 8382Logicians have but ill defined 8383As rational the human kind. 8384Logic, they say, belongs to man, 8385But let them prove it if they can. 8386 -- Oliver Goldsmith 8387% 8388Look out! Behind you! 8389% 8390Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us 8391to pay income taxes, too? 8392 -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox 8393% 8394Loose bits sink chips. 8395% 8396Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying 8397"BOOGA, BOOGA!" 8398% 8399Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy. 8400% 8401Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in 8402Halstead, Kansas. 8403% 8404Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. 8405% 8406Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the 8407world has ever seen. 8408% 8409Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder. 8410 -- Sigmund Freud 8411% 8412Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it 8413flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come. 8414 -- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell" 8415% 8416Love is a word that is constantly heard, 8417Hate is a word that is not. 8418Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. 8419Love, I have read, is hot. 8420But hate is the verb that to me is superb, 8421And Love but a drug on the mart. 8422Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, 8423But Hating, my boy, is an Art. 8424 -- Ogden Nash 8425% 8426Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with 8427the ideal never goes unpunished. 8428 -- Goethe 8429% 8430Love is sentimental measles. 8431% 8432Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 8433 -- H. L. Mencken 8434% 8435Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes. 8436% 8437Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood. 8438 -- Louise Beal 8439% 8440Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up to. 8441% 8442 Love's Drug 8443 8444My love is like an iron wand 8445 That conks me on the head, 8446My love is like the valium 8447 That I take before my bed, 8448My love is like the pint of scotch 8449 That I drink when I be dry; 8450And I shall love thee still, my dear, 8451 Until my wife is wise. 8452% 8453Lowery's Law: 8454 If it jams -- force it. 8455 If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. 8456% 8457LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand. 8458% 8459Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: 8460 There's always one more bug. 8461% 8462Lunatic Asylum, n.: 8463 The place where optimism most flourishes. 8464% 8465Lysistrata had a good idea. 8466% 8467"MacDonald has the gift of compressing the largest amount of words into 8468the smallest amount of thoughts." 8469 -- Winston Churchill 8470% 8471Machine-Independent, adj.: 8472 Does not run on any existing machine. 8473% 8474Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate, 8475and play games -- but not with pleasure. 8476 -- Leo Rosten 8477% 8478Mad, adj.: 8479 Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. 8480 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8481% 8482Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them 8483first for seven hours, they always come out tender. 8484 -- W. C. Fields 8485% 8486MAFIA, n: 8487 [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance 8488Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore 8489subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is 8490rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy 8491reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP 8492operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that 8493MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped 8494variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex 8495security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a 8496more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an 8497imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES 8498options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay. 8499Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a 8500powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and 8501entire nodal aggravations. 8502 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 8503% 8504Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism 8505 8506Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet. 8507 8508The two definitions immediately preceding are condensed from the works 8509of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject 8510with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human 8511knowledge. 8512 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8513% 8514Magnocartic, adj.: 8515 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping carts. 8516 -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" 8517% 8518Magpie, n.: 8519 A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it 8520might be taught to talk. 8521 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8522% 8523Maier's Law: 8524 If the facts don't conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. 8525 -- N. R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960 8526 8527Corollaries: 8528 (1) The bigger the theory, the better. 8529 (2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 8530 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to 8531 obtain a correspondence with the theory. 8532% 8533Main's Law: 8534 For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. 8535% 8536Maintainer's Motto: 8537 If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. 8538% 8539Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly 8540 as one man. 8541 8542Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. 8543 8544Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. 8545 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8546% 8547Majority, n.: 8548 That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. 8549% 8550Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist! 8551% 8552Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users 8553tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It 8554has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is 8555the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files. 8556 -- System V.2 administrator's guide 8557% 8558Malek's Law: 8559 Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. 8560% 8561Man 1: Ask me what the most important thing about telling a good 8562 joke is. 8563 8564Man 2: OK, what is the most impo -- 8565 8566Man 1: ______TIMING! 8567% 8568Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. 8569 -- Lily Tomlin 8570% 8571Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called 8572upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. 8573 -- Oscar Wilde 8574% 8575Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the 8576only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. 8577 -- Wernher von Braun 8578% 8579Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. 8580 -- Mark Twain 8581% 8582Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the 8583victims he intends to eat until he eats them. 8584 -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902) 8585% 8586Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it 8587is an enemy. 8588 -- Albert Einstein 8589% 8590Man, n.: 8591 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks 8592 he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief 8593 occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, 8594 which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to 8595 infest the whole habitable earth and Canada. 8596 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8597% 8598Mandrell: "You know what I think?" 8599Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you 8600 don't think, right?" 8601 -- Dr. Who 8602% 8603Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history, 8604dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive 8605man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the 8606air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first 8607primitive umpire. 8608 8609What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as 8610mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers. 8611 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" 8612% 8613Manual, n.: 8614 A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a 8615 given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The 8616 information you need is in the others. 8617 -- Ray Simard 8618% 8619Many years ago in a period commonly known as Next Friday Afternoon, 8620there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he 8621was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how 8622completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ... 8623 -- Walt Kelly 8624% 8625Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: 8626 Dentists are incapable of asking questions 8627 that require a simple yes or no answer. 8628% 8629Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. 8630 -- Voltaire 8631% 8632Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on 8633the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam 8634dancing. 8635 -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83 8636% 8637Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant. 8638 -- Malcolm Smith 8639% 8640Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated. 8641 -- R. Drabek 8642% 8643Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they 8644translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something 8645entirely different. 8646 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 8647% 8648Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is 8649described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can 8650play. 8651 -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by 8652 James Blish 8653% 8654"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence." 8655% 8656Matter cannot be created or destroyed, 8657nor can it be returned without a receipt. 8658% 8659Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. 8660 -- Jules Feiffer 8661% 8662May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts. 8663% 8664May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual! 8665% 8666May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones. 8667% 8668May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a 8669Thousand Caramels. 8670% 8671Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. 8672 -- R. S. Barton 8673% 8674Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days 8675you can certainly charge it. 8676% 8677McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom: 8678 If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not 8679 $19.95. 8680% 8681Meader's Law: 8682 Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to 8683 everyone you know, only more so. 8684% 8685Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. 8686% 8687Meeting, n.: 8688 An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or 8689 department not represented in the room must solve a problem. 8690% 8691Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures 8692from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha 8693Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man 8694had split before. Thus was the Empire forged. 8695 -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Douglas Adams 8696% 8697Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and 8698it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin 8699very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently 8700tracing the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ... 8701 [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important 8702 world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the 8703 next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.] 8704... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your 8705cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of 8706billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even 8707more interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a 8708fact. Your skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the 8709older veteran cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and 8710obtained offices with nice views, are constantly being shoved out the 8711window head first, without so much as a pension plan, by younger 8712hotshot cells moving up from below. 8713 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" 8714% 8715Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: 8716 The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife. 8717% 8718Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: 8719 The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the 8720 cork makes when it is popped. 8721% 8722Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: 8723 All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards. 8724% 8725Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: 8726 Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that 8727 is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city 8728 can never hope to acquire it. 8729% 8730Menu, n.: 8731 A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of. 8732% 8733Meskimen's Law: 8734 There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to 8735 do it over. 8736% 8737MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched. 8738% 8739Message will arrive in the mail. 8740Destroy, before the FBI sees it. 8741% 8742methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin- 8743ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl- 8744phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu- 8745taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl- 8746glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala- 8747nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta- 8748minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly- 8749cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl- 8750leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu- 8751cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva- 8752lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro- 8753sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu- 8754cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe- 8755nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala- 8756nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas- 8757partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl- 8758glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl- 8759valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu- 8760cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi- 8761nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse- 8762rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl- 8763glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly- 8764sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro- 8765lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl- 8766glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.: 8767 The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a 8768 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids. 8769 -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and 8770 Preposterous Words 8771% 8772Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch. 8773% 8774Micro Credo: 8775 Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift. 8776% 8777"Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been 8778watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks." 8779% 8780Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you 8781out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles. 8782 -- Casablanca 8783% 8784Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?" 8785Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO 8786 inconsiderate." 8787 -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury" 8788% 8789Miksch's Law: 8790 If a string has one end, then it has another end. 8791% 8792Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. 8793 -- Groucho Marx 8794% 8795Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. 8796 -- Groucho Marx 8797% 8798Millihelen, adj: 8799 The amount of beauty required to launch one ship. 8800% 8801Millions long for immortality who do not know what 8802to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. 8803 -- Susan Ertz 8804% 8805Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that 8806politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum 8807and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote." Having abstained, they 8808are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to 8809rummage around in their lives for the next four years. Consider all 8810the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert 8811Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. Those people who taught Hubert 8812Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when 8813Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the 8814black. 8815 -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery" 8816% 8817Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there 8818is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, 8819myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in 8820the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my 8821unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You 8822will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as 8823dead as a door-nail. 8824% 8825Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner. 8826% 8827Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap 8828pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however. 8829% 8830Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. 8831% 8832Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it. 8833 -- Russell Baker 8834% 8835Misfortune, n.: 8836 The kind of fortune that never misses. 8837 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8838% 8839Miss, n.: 8840 A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that 8841 they are in the market. 8842 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8843% 8844Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure. 8845% 8846Mitchell's Law of Committees: 8847 Any simple problem can be made insoluble if 8848 enough meetings are held to discuss it. 8849% 8850MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed) 8851 8852 Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers 88532 cups water 2 cups sugar 88542 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice 8855 Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine 8856 Cinnamon 8857 8858Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break 8859RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar 8860and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon 8861juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously 8862with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top 8863crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let 8864steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust 8865is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices. 8866 -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box 8867% 8868Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings. 8869% 8870Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked him 8871how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last 8872week. The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better. 8873% 8874Molecule, n.: 8875 The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from 8876 the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a 8877 closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit 8878 of matter... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and 8879 the atom in that it is an ion ... 8880 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8881% 8882Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: 8883 If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented 8884 it wasn't worth doing. 8885% 8886Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life. 8887% 8888Monday, n.: 8889 In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. 8890 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8891% 8892Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. 8893% 8894Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots. 8895% 8896Money is the root of all wealth. 8897% 8898Moon, n.: 8899 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to 8900 hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC). 8901% 8902Mophobia, n.: 8903 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian. 8904% 8905 MORE SPORTS RESULTS: 8906The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last 8907Saturday night. The match started with a long period of silence while 8908the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the 8909Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could 8910paraphrase. The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player 8911took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting 8912their anal-retentive personalities. At this the Rogerians' star player 8913said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka." This started a 8914fight and the match was called by officials. 8915% 8916More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One 8917path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total 8918extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. 8919 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects" 8920% 8921Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: 8922 Don't worry if it doesn't work right. 8923 If everything did, you'd be out of a job. 8924% 8925Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex 8926because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs 8927and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little 8928eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around 8929and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the 8930female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just 8931dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven 8932by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the 8933truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of 8934them that it doesn't make any difference. 8935 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 8936 Teen Should Know" 8937% 8938Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently 8939than they do. 8940 -- Turgenev 8941% 8942Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. 8943 -- Frank Zappa 8944% 8945Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like. 8946 -- Arnold Bennett 8947% 8948Mother is the invention of necessity. 8949% 8950Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before. 8951% 8952Mr. Cole's Axiom: 8953 The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the 8954 population is growing. 8955% 8956"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) 8957"365,365,365,365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365. He [ten-year-old 8958Truman Henry Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his 8959pantaloons over the tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes 8960in their sockets, sometimes smiling and talking, and then seeming to be 8961in an agony, until, in not more than one minute, said he, 8962133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,225!" An electronic 8963computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be as much 8964fun to watch. 8965 -- James R. Newman (The World of Mathematics) 8966% 8967Murphy's Discovery: 8968 Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to 8969women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything 8970will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in 8971trouble! 8972% 8973Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't 8974work. 8975% 8976Murphy's Law of Research: 8977 Enough research will tend to support your theory. 8978% 8979Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem ... 8980 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 8981% 8982 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring 8983Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping 8984pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret 8985military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and 8986Esther and hustle them off to prison. 8987 They can't prove who they are because they've left their 8988passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day 8989and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation 8990movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court, 8991charged with espionage, and sentenced to death. 8992 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where 8993they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them 8994if they have any lasts requests. Esther wants to know if she can call 8995her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not 8996possible, and turns to Murray. 8997 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he 8998spits in the sergeants face. 8999 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." 9000 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 9001% 9002Mustgo, n.: 9003 Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so 9004 long it has become a science project. 9005 -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" 9006% 9007My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it. 9008 -- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel" 9009% 9010My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I 9011threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste. 9012First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the 9013frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up 9014the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed 9015forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier 9016perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through 9017the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative 9018crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a 9019symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state 9020in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I 9021really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded 9022OK. 9023 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" 9024% 9025My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless 9026there are three other people. 9027 -- Orson Welles 9028% 9029My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand 9030times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and 9031sending mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right 9032through my ALU. I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever 9033listens. I think it would be better for us both if you were to just 9034log out again. 9035% 9036"My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?" 9037 -- MadameX 9038% 9039My love runs by like a day in June, 9040 And he makes no friends of sorrows. 9041He'll tread his galloping rigadoon 9042 In the pathway or the morrows. 9043He'll live his days where the sunbeams start 9044 Nor could storm or wind uproot him. 9045My own dear love, he is all my heart -- 9046 And I wish somebody'd shoot him. 9047 -- Dorothy Parker 9048% 9049My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet, 9050 And a wild young wood-thing bore him! 9051The ways are fair to his roaming feet, 9052 And the skies are sunlit for him. 9053As sharply sweet to my heart he seems 9054 As the fragrance of acacia. 9055My own dear love, he is all my dreams -- 9056 And I wish he were in Asia. 9057 -- Dorothy Parker 9058% 9059My mother loved children -- she would 9060have given anything if I had been one. 9061 -- Groucho Marx 9062% 9063My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. 9064% 9065My own dear love, he is strong and bold 9066 And he cares not what comes after. 9067His words ring sweet as a chime of gold, 9068 And his eyes are lit with laughter. 9069He is jubilant as a flag unfurled -- 9070 Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him. 9071My own dear love, he is all my world -- 9072 And I wish I'd never met him. 9073 -- Dorothy Parker 9074% 9075% 9076My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling Alley!! 9077 -- Zippy the Pinhead 9078% 9079My pen is at the bottom of a page, 9080Which, being finished, here the story ends; 9081'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done, 9082But stories somehow lengthen when begun. 9083 -- Byron 9084% 9085My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. 9086 -- Christopher Morley 9087% 9088"My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies" 9089% 9090Mythology, n.: 9091 The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its 9092 origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as 9093 distinguished from the true accounts which it invents later. 9094 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9095% 9096 n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa); 9097 n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc); 9098 n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0); 9099 n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00); 9100 n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000); 9101 9102 -- C code which reverses the bits in a word. 9103% 9104Naeser's Law: 9105 You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it 9106damnfoolproof. 9107% 9108NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? 9109 Everything he says is wrong. 9110GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, 9111 and then everything he says will be right. 9112 9113 -- G. B. Shaw, "The Man of Destiny" 9114% 9115Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant 9116said "My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next 9117time he goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone 9118might steal it." 9119% 9120Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the 9121villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," 9122said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the 9123villagers but the stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The 9124remaining villager asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he 9125said -- and quite distinctly, for everyone to hear -- was `Get out of 9126my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; he had heard words actually 9127spoken by the King, and seen the very man they were spoken to. 9128% 9129Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to 9130serve him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk 9131into your shop?" 9132 "Of course." 9133 "Have you ever seen me before?" 9134 "Never." 9135 "Then how do you know it was me?" 9136% 9137Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful 9138than the sun." 9139 "Why?", he was asked. 9140 "Because at night we need the light more." 9141% 9142Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver 9143pie. Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of 9144meat from his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, 9145"Foolish bird! You have the liver, but what can you do with it without 9146the recipe?" 9147% 9148Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of 9149conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the 9150fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he 9151is most likely to be creamed? 9152 -- Solomon Short 9153% 9154Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, 9155God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. 9156 9157It did not last; the devil howling "Ho! 9158Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo. 9159% 9160Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it 9161cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs. 9162 -- Fran Leibowitz 9163% 9164Nearly all men can stand adversity, but 9165if you want to test a man's character, give him power. 9166 -- Abraham Lincoln 9167% 9168Necessity is a mother. 9169% 9170Neckties strangle clear thinking. 9171 -- Lin Yutang 9172% 9173Never be led astray onto the path of virtue. 9174% 9175Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him. 9176% 9177Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you. 9178% 9179Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off. 9180% 9181Never drink Coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled 9182with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to 9183change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually 9184fly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators 9185have windows. 9186% 9187Never eat more than you can lift. 9188 -- Miss Piggy 9189% 9190Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. 9191% 9192Never let your schooling interfere with your education. 9193% 9194Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. 9195 -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation" 9196% 9197Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to 9198make it complex and wonderful. 9199% 9200Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. 9201 -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977 9202% 9203Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. 9204% 9205Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a 9206law against it by that time. 9207% 9208Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower. 9209% 9210Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient. 9211% 9212Never try to outstubborn a cat. 9213 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 9214% 9215Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. 9216 -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS 9217% 9218"Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon." 9219% 9220Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's 9221supposed to do. 9222 -- R. A. Heinlein 9223% 9224New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt. 9225% 9226New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in 9227any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe. 9228% 9229New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of 9230Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within. 9231% 9232New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area. 9233 -- Monty Python's Big Red Book 9234% 9235New systems generate new problems. 9236% 9237New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and 9238his wife most often reminds him to act it. 9239 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary 9240% 9241New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors. 9242% 9243New York's got the ways and means; 9244Just won't let you be. 9245 -- The Grateful Dead 9246% 9247Newlan's Truism: 9248 An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government 9249 economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. 9250% 9251NEWS FLASH!! 9252 Today the East German pole-vault champion 9253 became the West German pole-vault champion. 9254% 9255 *** NEWSFLASH *** 9256Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven! 9257% 9258Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction. 9259% 9260Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: 9261 A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. 9262% 9263Next Friday will not be your lucky day. 9264As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year. 9265% 9266Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying 9267as an income tax refund. 9268 -- F. J. Raymond 9269% 9270Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice. 9271 -- Foghorn Leghorn 9272% 9273Nihilism should commence with oneself. 9274% 9275Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name 9276correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into 9277(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but 9278Americans call him by value. 9279% 9280Nine megs for the secretaries fair, 9281Seven megs for the hackers scarce, 9282Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs, 9283Three megs for system source; 9284 9285One disk to rule them all, 9286One disk to bind them, 9287One disk to hold the files 9288And in the darkness grind 'em. 9289% 9290Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes 9291 And tapes without any tracks; 9292Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes 9293 And tapes mixed up on the racks -- 9294 Take hold of the tape 9295 And pull off the strip, 9296 And then you'll be sure 9297 Your tape drive will skip. 9298 9299 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes 9300% 9301Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. 9302The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much. 9303 -- Augustine 9304% 9305Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: 9306 The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of the 9307 time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. 9308% 9309Nirvana? That's the place where the powers that be and their friends 9310hang out. 9311 -- Zonker Harris 9312% 9313No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless 9314absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation. 9315 -- Fran Lebowitz 9316% 9317No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a 9318camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform 9319effectively under such difficult conditions. 9320 -- Laurence J. Peter 9321% 9322No good deed goes unpunished. 9323 -- Clare Boothe Luce 9324% 9325No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after 9326eating one peanut. 9327 -- Channing Pollock 9328% 9329No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas. 9330% 9331No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will 9332seriously cramp his style. 9333% 9334No matter what other nations may say about the United States, 9335immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery. 9336% 9337No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. 9338 -- Eleanor Roosevelt 9339% 9340No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid. 9341% 9342No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval 9343system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of 9344the author. 9345 -- Chris Shaw 9346% 9347No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff -- 9348He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough. 9349Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame 9350And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame. 9351CHORUS: 9352 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, 9353 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. 9354 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, 9355 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. 9356Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails 9357And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail. 9358All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff 9359But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!" 9360 (chorus) 9361Puff used more resources than DCS could spare. 9362The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care. 9363A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end, 9364But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again! 9365 (chorus) 9366% 9367No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. 9368 -- C. Schulz 9369% 9370No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere. 9371% 9372No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied 9373occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an 9374indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining 9375occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as 9376an indication-applied occurrence. 9377 -- ALGOL 68 Report 9378% 9379No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of 9380paper. 9381 -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was 9382 taken over by Rupert Murdoch 9383% 9384No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider 9385the furniture! 9386 -- Sherlock Holmes 9387% 9388"No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'" 9389 -- Dr. Who 9390% 9391Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it. 9392 -- Tallulah Bankhead 9393% 9394NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION. 9395% 9396Nobody said computers were going to be polite. 9397% 9398Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in 9399order for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the 9400substance of their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young 9401and rob the old. 9402 -- Lewis Lapham 9403% 9404Nobody wants constructive criticism. 9405It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise. 9406% 9407Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: 9408 Negative expectations yield negative results. 9409 Positive expectations yield negative results. 9410% 9411Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades. 9412% 9413Noncombatant, n.: 9414 A dead Quaker. 9415 -- Ambrose Bierce 9416% 9417Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong. 9418% 9419Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 9420% 9421Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the 9422Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats 9423in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the 9424moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a 9425dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every 9426respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside 9427it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms, 9428then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they 9429chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ... 9430 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 9431% 9432Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none. 9433 -- Shakespeare 9434% 9435Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and the paper 9436is from the wrong kind of tree. 9437 -- Professor W., EECS, George Washington University 9438% 9439Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter 9440of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund 9441is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman -- 9442unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is 9443careful not to make any poultry jokes ... 9444 -- Woody Allen 9445% 9446Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. 9447 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 9448% 9449Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. 9450% 9451Nothing is faster than the speed of light ... 9452 9453To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the 9454light comes on. 9455% 9456Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. 9457 -- Andrew Young 9458% 9459Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires 9460tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth. 9461 -- Nero Wolfe 9462% 9463Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner. 9464Conscience makes egotists of us all. 9465 -- Oscar Wilde 9466% 9467Nothing recedes like success. 9468 -- Walter Winchell 9469% 9470Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited 9471love. 9472 -- Charlie Brown 9473% 9474November, n.: 9475 The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. 9476 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9477% 9478Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature. 9479% 9480Now I lay me down to sleep 9481I pray the double lock will keep; 9482May no brick through the window break, 9483And, no one rob me till I awake. 9484% 9485Now is the time for all good men to come to. 9486 -- Walt Kelly 9487% 9488Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next 9489time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV 9490to plug her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for 9491eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself 9492the following questions: 9493 9494(1) Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a 9495 food? 9496(2) Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich 9497 exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me? 9498(3) Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as 9499 prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with 9500 double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living 9501 right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like 9502 longer.) 9503 9504That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick. 9505% 9506Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called 9507Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that 9508were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ... 9509 -- "The Begatting of a President" 9510% 9511Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a smurfette. 9512 -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354 9513% 9514... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to 9515get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in 9516the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs 9517on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage 9518children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a 9519snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn 9520to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about 9521a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an 9522outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does 9523he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect 9524Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks 9525Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some 9526kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your 9527children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop 9528quickly. 9529 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 9530% 9531 Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home 9532tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. 9533 Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell 9534plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where 9535they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of 9536Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon 9537administration. In either the hardware or housewares department, 9538you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and 9539described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with 9540interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools 9541that Americans might use around the home. Buy it. 9542 This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it 9543inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the 9544so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off 9545if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to 9546direct sunlight. 9547 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 9548% 9549Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile. 9550 -- Karl Lehenbauer 9551% 9552Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of 9553normal routines, for children and adults alike. 9554 -- Willard F. Libby, "You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack" 9555% 9556Nuclear war would really set back cable. 9557 -- Ted Turner 9558% 9559[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable. 9560 -- Edwin Meese III 9561% 9562Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. 9563% 9564(null cookie; hope that's ok) 9565% 9566Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing. 9567% 9568O give me a home, 9569Where the buffalo roam, 9570Where the deer and the antelope play, 9571Where seldom is heard 9572A discouraging word, 9573'Cause what can an antelope say? 9574% 9575O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law: 9576 Murphy was an optimist. 9577% 9578"Of ______course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a 9579fake?" 9580% 9581Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the 9582reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest 9583amount of hot air. 9584 -- Thomas L. Martin 9585% 9586Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. 9587 -- Plato 9588% 9589Of all the words of witch's doom 9590There's none so bad as which and whom. 9591The man who kills both which and whom 9592Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom. 9593 -- Fletcher Knebel 9594% 9595Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power 9596tools aren't soluble in alcohol ... 9597 -- Crazy Nigel 9598% 9599Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy. 9600% 9601Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. 9602And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a 9603blazer. 9604% 9605Office Automation, n.: 9606 The use of computers to improve efficiency by removing anyone 9607 you would want to talk with over coffee. 9608% 9609Ogden's Law: 9610 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. 9611% 9612Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo! 9613% 9614Oh don't the days seem lank and long 9615 When all goes right and none goes wrong, 9616And isn't your life extremely flat 9617 With nothing whatever to grumble at! 9618% 9619Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay 9620 I muck with indices and structs all day 9621And when it works, I shout hoo-ray 9622 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay 9623% 9624Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd 9625be irresponsible, too. 9626 -- Lichty & Wagner 9627% 9628Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth, 9629And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings; 9630Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth 9631Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things 9632You have not dreamed of -- 9633Wheeled and soared and swung 9634High in the sunlit silence. 9635Hovering there 9636I've chased the shouting wind along and flung 9637My eager craft through footless halls of air. 9638Up, up along delirious, burning blue 9639I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace, 9640Where never lark, or even eagle flew; 9641And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod 9642The high untrespassed sanctity of space, 9643Put out my hand, and touched the face of God. 9644 -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight" 9645% 9646Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. 9647% 9648Oh, when I was in love with you, 9649 Then I was clean and brave, 9650And miles around the wonder grew 9651 How well did I behave. 9652 9653And now the fancy passes by, 9654 And nothing will remain, 9655And miles around they'll say that I 9656 Am quite myself again. 9657 -- A. E. Housman 9658% 9659Oh, wow! Look at the moon! 9660% 9661OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard. 9662 -- Dr. Joy 9663% 9664OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything. 9665% 9666Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. 9667 -- Trotsky 9668% 9669Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address. 9670% 9671Old soldiers never die. Young ones do. 9672% 9673Oliver's Law: 9674 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need 9675it. 9676% 9677Omnibiblious, adj.: 9678 Indifferent to type of drink. "Oh, you can get me anything. 9679 I'm omnibiblious." 9680% 9681OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need four GALLONS of 9682JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th' WRENCH in the JELL-O 9683as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... or ... I ... um ... 9684WHERE'S the WASHING MACHINES? 9685% 9686On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague: 9687 9688"This isn't right. This isn't even wrong." 9689 -- Wolfgang Pauli 9690% 9691On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only 9692nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter 9693what it does. 9694 -- Will Rogers 9695% 9696 On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in 9697receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's 9698income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than 9699$283 on the desk before the cashier. 9700 "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That 9701route never brought in money like this! What happened?" 9702 "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured 9703business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and 9704worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!" 9705% 9706On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are 9707created jerks. 9708 -- Avery 9709% 9710On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition 9711that all men are created jerks. 9712 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" 9713% 9714On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a POINT. 9715% 9716On the subject of C program indentation: 9717 9718 "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be 9719 indented six feet downward and covered with dirt." 9720 -- Blair P. Houghton 9721% 9722On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], `Pray, 9723Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right 9724answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of 9725confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question. 9726 -- Charles Babbage 9727% 9728On-line, adj.: 9729 The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a 9730computer. 9731% 9732Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were 9733forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. 9734 -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee" 9735% 9736Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that 9737each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his 9738choice. 9739 9740In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians 9741called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukka" 9742and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People 9743passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy 9744Hanukka!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!" 9745 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 9746% 9747Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, 9748Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". 9749Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your 9750principals or your mistress". 9751% 9752Once Law was sitting on the bench 9753 And Mercy knelt a-weeping. 9754"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! 9755 Nor come before me creeping. 9756Upon your knees if you appear, 9757'Tis plain you have no standing here." 9758 9759Then Justice came. His Honor cried: 9760 "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!" 9761"Amica curiae," she replied -- 9762 "Friend of the court, so please you." 9763"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door -- 9764I never saw your face before!" 9765 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9766% 9767Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human 9768beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by 9769side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them 9770which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the 9771sky. 9772 -- Rainer Rilke 9773% 9774 Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a 9775great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to 9776the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of 9777life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But 9778one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is 9779going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I 9780shall die of boredom." 9781 The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that 9782current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the 9783rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!" 9784 But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, 9785and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. 9786Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current 9787lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. 9788 And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, 9789"See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the 9790Messiah, come to save us all!" And the one carried in the current 9791said, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us 9792free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this 9793adventure. 9794 But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to 9795the rocks, making legends of a Saviour. 9796% 9797Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of 9798us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of 9799the smaller prime numbers. 9800 98012: The Odd Prime -- 9802 It's the only even prime, therefore is odd. QED. 98033: The True Prime -- 9804 Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true." 980531: The Arbitrary Prime -- 9806 Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime 9807 in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91 9808 received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the 9809 next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none 9810 at all. 9811 9812Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are 9813derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but 9814true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers. 9815% 9816... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you 9817with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday 9818shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday 9819advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a 9820shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take 9821them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up. 9822 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 9823% 9824Once, adv.: 9825 Enough. 9826 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9827% 9828One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least 9829somebody's listening. 9830 -- Franklin P. Jones 9831% 9832"One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative." 9833 9834Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this. 9835The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame. 9836 -- Chuq Von Rospach 9837% 9838One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means. 9839% 9840One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing 9841how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette. 9842 -- Professor Charles P. Issawi 9843% 9844One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell 9845the truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald 9846announced, "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to 9847a question which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The 9848captain of the guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth 9849-- the alternative is death by hanging." 9850 "I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows." 9851 "I don't believe you." 9852 "Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!" 9853 "But that would make it the truth!" 9854 "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth." 9855% 9856One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet 9857when well oiled. 9858% 9859One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they 9860never have to stop and answer the phone. 9861% 9862One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious. 9863 -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848) 9864% 9865One learns to itch where one can scratch. 9866 -- Ernest Bramah 9867% 9868One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as 9869one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will 9870produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to 9871represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as 9872many ... 9873 -- Anthony Chevins 9874% 9875One man's theology is another man's belly laugh. 9876% 9877One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How 9878will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net, 9879I'll tell you." 9880% 9881One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 9882% 9883One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible 9884from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at 9885least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts 9886are, of course, simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but 9887when He's good, nobody can touch Him. 9888 -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983 9889% 9890One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to 9891do and always a clever thing to say. 9892 -- Will Durant 9893% 9894One of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, 9895lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of 9896their C programs. 9897 -- Robert Firth 9898% 9899One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God 9900create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "________somebody has to buy 9901retail." 9902 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 9903% 9904 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How 9905enthusiastic is our support for UNIX? 9906 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many 9907years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. 9908Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple 9909language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for 9910students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for 9911interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of 9912its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on 9913VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. 9914 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will 9915run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and 9916will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. 9917 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and 9918quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With 9919VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of 9920documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the 9921difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS 9922is that it's all there. 9923 -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984 9924% 9925One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your 9926seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best 9927way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who 9928fainted in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become 9929disoriented and imagine they were in Topeka, Kansas. 9930% 9931The Seventh Commandments for Technicians 9932 Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy 9933fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in 9934other ways. 9935% 9936The First Commandment for Technicians: 9937 Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged 9938 capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks 9939 in a most untechnician-like manner. 9940% 9941One Page Principle: 9942 A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch 9943 paper cannot be understood. 9944 -- Mark Ardis 9945% 9946One planet is all you get. 9947% 9948One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could 9949manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that 9950they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's 9951say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding 9952study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by 9953sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, 9954strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus 9955rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also 9956be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr. 9957Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle 9958Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save 9959millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently 9960support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that 9961your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members 9962of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are 9963already too large to fit on normal aircraft. 9964 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" 9965% 9966One reason why George Washington 9967Is held in such veneration: 9968He never blamed his problems 9969On the former Administration. 9970 -- George O. Ludcke 9971% 9972One seldom sees a monument to a committee. 9973% 9974One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of 9975is fresh paint. 9976% 9977One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that 9978sometimes you must work under adverse conditions ... like a state of 9979sheer terror. 9980 -- W. K. Hartmann 9981% 9982One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a 9983new model. 9984% 9985One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him. 9986% 9987One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned 9988at the stake while the votes were being counted. 9989 -- Thomas B. Reed 9990% 9991One-Shot Case Study, n.: 9992 The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which it 9993 is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes 9994 green. 9995% 9996Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps. 9997% 9998Only God can make random selections. 9999% 10000Only presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right to 10001use the editorial "we." 10002% 10003Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer. 10004% 10005Optimization hinders evolution. 10006% 10007Oregano, n.: 10008 The ancient Italian art of pizza folding. 10009% 10010Oregon, n.: 10011 Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday 10012night. 10013% 10014Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. 10015Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. 10016 -- Mike Adams 10017% 10018Osborn's Law: 10019 Variables won't; constants aren't. 10020% 10021Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails. 10022% 10023Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is 10024they charge fifteen cents for them. 10025% 10026Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the 10027office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we 10028were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of 10029juice. But only *__he* had a lollipop. 10030 10031He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?" 10032 10033Her reply: 10034 10035 "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it 10036 means to be a programmer." 10037% 10038Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name. 10039 Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, 10040 In kernel as it is in user! 10041% 10042Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. 10043 -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries 10044% 10045... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce 10046Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One 10047thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If 10048somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it 10049on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what 10050a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself. 10051 -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!" 10052% 10053Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it. 10054 -- Alex Schure 10055% 10056Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. 10057 -- General Omar N. Bradley 10058% 10059 OUTCONERR 10060Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes 10061 Did logzerneg the ifthen block 10062All kludgy were the function flows 10063 And subroutines adhoc. 10064 10065Beware the runtime-bug my friend 10066 squrooneg, the false goto 10067Beware the infiniteloop 10068 And shun the inprectoo. 10069% 10070Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog, 10071it's too dark to read. 10072 -- Groucho Marx 10073% 10074Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now 10075I can remember things that *have* happened before ... 10076% 10077Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! 10078% 10079Overflow on /dev/null: please empty the bit bucket. 10080% 10081Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated. 10082% 10083Ozman's Laws: 10084 (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he 10085 won't. 10086 (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they 10087 make. 10088 (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 10089 (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth. 10090% 10091Painting, n.: 10092 The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and 10093 exposing them to the critic. 10094 -- Ambrose Bierce 10095% 10096panic: can't find / 10097% 10098panic: kernel trap (ignored) 10099% 10100Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much 10101better. 10102 -- Laurie Anderson 10103% 10104Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them. 10105% 10106Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life. 10107% 10108Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one. 10109% 10110Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to 10111criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. 10112 -- D. J. Hicks 10113% 10114Pardo's First Postulate: 10115 Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or 10116fattening. 10117 10118Arnold's Addendum: 10119 Everything else causes cancer in rats. 10120% 10121Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction. 10122% 10123Parker's Law: 10124 Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. 10125% 10126Parkinson's Fifth Law: 10127 If there is a way to delay an important decision, the good 10128 bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. 10129% 10130Parkinson's Fourth Law: 10131 The number of people in any working group tends to increase 10132 regardless of the amount of work to be done. 10133% 10134Parsley 10135 is gharsley. 10136 -- Ogden Nash 10137% 10138Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. 10139% 10140Pascal is not a high-level language. 10141 -- Steven Feiner 10142% 10143Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat. 10144 -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340 10145% 10146Pascal Users: 10147 To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the 10148 death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed. 10149% 10150Pascal, n.: 10151 A programming language named after a man who would turn over 10152 in his grave if he knew about it. 10153 -- Datamation, January 15, 1984 10154% 10155Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. 10156 -- Eric Hoffer 10157% 10158Patageometry, n.: 10159 The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant 10160 under brain transplants. 10161% 10162Paul Revere was a tattle-tale. 10163% 10164Paul's Law: 10165 In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save. 10166% 10167Paul's Law: 10168 You can't fall off the floor. 10169% 10170Peace, n.: 10171 In international affairs, a period of cheating between two 10172 periods of fighting. 10173 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10174% 10175Peanut Blossoms 10176 101774 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk 101784 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla 101794 cups shortening 14 cups flour 101808 eggs 4 tsp. soda 101814 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt 10182 10183Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie 10184sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a 10185Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a 10186hell of a lot. 10187% 10188Pecor's Health-Food Principle: 10189 Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in it. 10190% 10191Pedaeration, n.: 10192 The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the 10193sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed. 10194 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 10195% 10196Penguin Trivia #46: 10197 Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were. 10198 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 10199% 10200People need good lies. There are too many bad ones. 10201 -- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 10202% 10203People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of 10204the future. 10205% 10206People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense. 10207 -- Ken Kesey 10208% 10209People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed. 10210% 10211People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better 10212press than people who are just funny and smart. 10213 -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post" 10214% 10215People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never 10216slept in a room with a single mosquito. 10217% 10218People who have what they want are very fond of telling 10219people who haven't what they want that they don't want it. 10220 -- Ogden Nash 10221% 10222People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that 10223Benjamin Franklin said it first. 10224% 10225People will buy anything that's one to a customer. 10226% 10227People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they 10228did yesterday. 10229% 10230Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. 10231"Confound those who have said our remarks before us." 10232 -- Aelius Donatus 10233% 10234Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things. 10235% 10236Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but 10237when there is no longer anything to take away. 10238 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 10239% 10240Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! 10241% 10242Peter's Law of Substitution: 10243 Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after 10244 themselves. 10245% 10246Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so 10247because it is next to exciting Camden, New Jersey. 10248% 10249Philogeny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogeny. 10250% 10251Philosophy will clip an angel's wings. 10252 -- John Keats 10253% 10254Pick another fortune cookie. 10255% 10256Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional 10257hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational 10258sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ... 10259% 10260Pig, n.: 10261 An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race 10262 by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is 10263 inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. 10264 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10265% 10266PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) 10267 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being 10268 followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your 10269 associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack 10270 confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible 10271 things to small animals. 10272% 10273PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20) 10274 Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the American 10275 Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as nobody 10276 else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will 10277 probably get run over by a bus. 10278% 10279 Pittsburgh Driver's Test 10280 10281(7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light 10282 but a steady left tail light. This means 10283 10284 (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn 10285 to call the problem to the driver's attention. 10286 (b) the driver is signaling a right turn. 10287 (c) the driver is signaling a left turn. 10288 (d) the driver is from out of town. 10289 10290The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign 10291countries to signal turns. 10292% 10293 Pittsburgh Driver's Test 10294 10295(8) Pedestrians are 10296 10297 (a) irrelevant. 10298 (b) communists. 10299 (c) a nuisance. 10300 (d) difficult to clean off the front grille. 10301 10302The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are 10303totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely. 10304% 10305Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. 10306 -- Don Marquis 10307% 10308PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more to the problem set 10309than to the solution set. 10310 -- E. W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 10311% 10312"Plaese porrf raed." 10313 -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase 10314% 10315Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia 10316because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers 10317couldn't compete successfully with poets. 10318 -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half 10319 Shell" 10320% 10321Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill 10322them. 10323% 10324Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic 10325table. 10326 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" 10327% 10328Please ignore previous fortune. 10329% 10330Please take note: 10331% 10332Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" 10333until you are told that those rooms are "punched out". Once punched 10334out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, 10335and such. 10336 -- N. Meyrowitz 10337% 10338Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means? 10339% 10340 Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, 10341requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm 10342into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing 10343problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the 10344radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how 10345plumbing works. 10346 A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system, 10347except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires, 10348it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets 10349and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at 10350all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can 10351kill you. 10352 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 10353% 10354PLUNDERER'S THEME 10355(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius) 10356 10357Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. 10358If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation. 10359Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations. 10360Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. 10361% 10362Pohl's law: 10363 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. 10364% 10365Police: Good evening, are you the host? 10366Host: No. 10367Police: We've been getting complaints about this party. 10368Host: About the drugs? 10369Police: No. 10370Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns? 10371Police: No, the noise. 10372Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns 10373 or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the 10374 background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? 10375 The neighbors? 10376Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent 10377 complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could 10378 ask the host to quiet things down? 10379Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive 10380 religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living 10381 room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the 10382 lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out 10383 onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind 10384 down. 10385% 10386Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell 10387all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds. 10388% 10389Politician, n.: 10390 An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of 10391 organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the 10392 agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared 10393 with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive. 10394 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10395% 10396Politician, n.: 10397 From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or 10398 "face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). Hence 10399 "polytetien", a person of two or more faces. 10400 -- Martin Pitt 10401% 10402Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even 10403where there is no river. 10404 -- Nikita Khrushchev 10405% 10406Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart enough 10407to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest. 10408% 10409Polymer physicists are into chains. 10410% 10411Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the 10412Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The 10413white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before 10414it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his 10415name had hilarious possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with 10416laughter, singing 10417 10418 Half a pound of tuppenny rice 10419 Half a pound of treacle 10420 That's the way the chimney smokes 10421 Pope Goestheveezl 10422 10423The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of 10424laughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for 10425hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron 10426Hans Neizant Bömpzidaize was elected Landburgher of Köln in 1653. 10427 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 10428% 10429Portable, adj.: 10430 Survives system reboot. 10431% 10432Positive, adj.: 10433 Mistaken at the top of one's voice. 10434 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10435% 10436Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth. 10437% 10438Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. 10439 -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy 1981-1987 10440% 10441Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically. 10442% 10443Power, n: 10444 The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA. 10445% 10446Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little 10447more time for dreaming. 10448 -- J. P. McEvoy 10449% 10450Predestination was doomed from the start. 10451% 10452President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and 10453forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax. 10454% 10455President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the 10456vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting. 10457 -- The Washington Post 10458% 10459Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist! 10460% 10461Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: 10462 It's on the other side. 10463% 10464[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves 10465to see him work. 10466 -- Winston Churchill 10467% 10468Pro is to con as progress is to Congress. 10469% 10470Probable-Possible, my black hen, 10471She lays eggs in the Relative When. 10472She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now 10473Because she's unable to postulate how. 10474 -- Frederick Winsor 10475% 10476Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have 10477orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which 10478is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime. 10479 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 10480 Teen Should Know" 10481% 10482Prof: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data 10483 encryption standard and they came up with ... 10484Student: EBCDIC!" 10485% 10486Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem. 10487Eng. 130 midterm. Once again no student received a single point on 10488his exam. Newell has now tossed five shutouts this quarter. Newell's 10489earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30% 10490% 10491Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction. 10492 10493This technique is used on equations with "_n" in them. Induction 10494techniques are very popular; even the military used them. 10495 10496SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction. 10497 10498 We know it's true for _n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true 10499for every natural number less than _n. _N is arbitrary, so we can take _n 10500as large as we want. If _n is sufficiently large, the case of _n+1 is 10501trivially equivalent, so the only important _n are _n less than _n. We 10502can take _n = _n (from above), so it's true for _n+1 because it's just 10503about _n. 10504 QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?") 10505% 10506Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity. 10507 SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs. 10508(1) Horses have an even number of legs. 10509(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front. 10510(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of 10511 legs for a horse. 10512(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. 10513(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs. 10514 10515Topics to be covered in future issues include proof by: 10516 Intimidation 10517 Gesticulation (handwaving) 10518 "Try it; it works" 10519 Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...) 10520 Blatant assertion 10521 Changing all the 2's to _n's 10522 Mutual consent 10523 Lack of a counterexample, and 10524 "It stands to reason" 10525% 10526Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: 10527 10528BBW Branch Both Ways 10529BEW Branch Either Way 10530BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full 10531BH Branch and Hang 10532BMR Branch Multiple Registers 10533BOB Branch On Bug 10534BPO Branch on Power Off 10535BST Backspace and Stretch Tape 10536CDS Condense and Destroy System 10537CLBR Clobber Register 10538CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately 10539CM Circulate Memory 10540CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming 10541CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip 10542CRN Convert to Roman Numerals 10543% 10544Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: 10545 10546DC Divide and Conquer 10547DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key 10548DO Divide and Overflow 10549EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator 10550EPI Execute Programmer Immediately 10551EROS Erase Read Only Storage 10552EXCE Execute Customer Engineer 10553HCF Halt and Catch Fire 10554IBP Insert Bug and Proceed 10555INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out]) 10556PBC Print and Break Chain 10557PDSK Punch Disk 10558% 10559Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: 10560 10561PI Punch Invalid 10562POPI Punch Operator Immediately 10563PVLC Punch Variable Length Card 10564RASC Read And Shred Card 10565RPM Read Programmers Mind 10566RSSC reduce speed, step carefully (for improved accuracy) 10567RTAB Rewind tape and break 10568RWDSK rewind disk 10569RWOC Read Writing On Card 10570SCRBL scribble to disk - faster than a write 10571SLC Search for Lost Chord 10572SPSW Scramble Program Status Word 10573SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk 10574STROM Store in Read Only Memory 10575TDB Transfer and Drop Bit 10576WBT Water Binary Tree 10577% 10578"Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller 10579than the both put together." 10580% 10581Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check 10582three friends. If they're OK, you're it. 10583% 10584Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well 10585anyhow and is certainly a damn fool. 10586 -- H. L. Mencken 10587% 10588Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves 10589to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way 10590to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the 10591cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in 10592fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a 10593lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of 10594the first day even if they have plenty of food and water. 10595 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 10596% 10597Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen. 10598% 10599Pushing 40 is exercise enough. 10600% 10601Put no trust in cryptic comments. 10602% 10603Put your Nose to the Grindstone! 10604 -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd. 10605% 10606Putt's Law: 10607 Technology is dominated by two types of people: 10608 Those who understand what they do not manage. 10609 Those who manage what they do not understand. 10610% 10611Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? 10612A: One per person. 10613% 10614Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence? 10615A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence. 10616% 10617Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat? 10618A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. 10619% 10620Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat? 10621A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. 10622 10623Q: How long does it take? 10624A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've 10625 brought with them. 10626 10627Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats? 10628A: They replace your generator. 10629% 10630Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10631A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb 10632 itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective 10633 reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a 10634 maudlin cosmos of nothingness. 10635% 10636Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb 10637 in San Francisco? 10638A: Both of them. 10639% 10640Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift? 10641A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register. 10642% 10643Q: How many IBM CPU's does it take to execute a job? 10644A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. 10645% 10646Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? 10647A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, 10648 Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of 10649 the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% 10650 of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences 10651 of non-blank characters separated by blanks". 10652% 10653Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10654A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring 10655 light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government 10656 plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer 10657 prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb 10658 assassin to break the bulb in the first place. 10659% 10660Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10661A: One and a half. 10662% 10663Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10664A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem 10665 to the earlier joke. 10666% 10667Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? 10668A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those 10669 Californians trying to share the experience. 10670% 10671Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? 10672A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub 10673 with brightly colored machine tools. 10674% 10675Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? 10676A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out 10677 of the way. 10678% 10679Q: What's a light-year? 10680A: One-third less calories than a regular year. 10681% 10682Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? 10683A: Because it was on the other side. 10684% 10685Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? 10686A: To stamp out forest fires. 10687 10688Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? 10689A: To stamp out flaming ducks. 10690% 10691Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? 10692A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home. 10693% 10694Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. What 10695 should I do? 10696 10697A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on 10698 believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably be 10699 the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. No 10700 time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if 10701 somebody else has made the correction. 10702 10703 And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're 10704 the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have 10705 to inform the whole net right away! 10706 10707 -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions 10708 on Netiquette" 10709% 10710Quality Control, n.: 10711 The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off 10712 a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works. 10713% 10714Question: 10715Man Invented Alcohol, 10716God Invented Grass. 10717Who do you trust? 10718% 10719Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened! 10720% 10721Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!! 10722% 10723Quidquid latine dictum est, altum videtur. 10724 10725(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.) 10726% 10727Quigley's Law: 10728 Whoever has any authority over you, 10729 no matter how small, will attempt to use it. 10730% 10731QUOTE OF THE DAY: 10732 10733 ` 10734 10735% 10736"Qvid me anxivs svm?" 10737% 10738QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]: 10739 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 10740kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [colloq.] one 10741thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [anat.] a 10742painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [slang] 10743person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert. 10744 -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed. 10745% 10746Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. 10747% 10748Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something 10749I saw at the airport... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of 10750computer magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport 10751store. Does it bother anyone else that half the world is being told 10752all of our hard-won secrets of computer technology? Remember how all 10753the lawyers cried foul when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are 10754they taking no-fault insurance lying down? No way! But at the current 10755rate it won't be long before there are stacks of the "Transactions on 10756Information Theory" at the A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be 10757impressed with us electrical engineers then? Are we, as the saying 10758goes, giving away the store? 10759 -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President 10760% 10761Ray's Rule of Precision: 10762 Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. 10763% 10764Razors pain you; 10765Rivers are damp; 10766Acids stain you; 10767And drugs cause cramp. 10768Guns aren't lawful; 10769Nooses give; 10770Gas smells awful; 10771You might as well live. 10772 -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926 10773% 10774Re graphics: A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe 10775the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately described 10776with pictures. 10777% 10778Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of 10779Congress. But I repeat myself. 10780 -- Mark Twain 10781% 10782Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic 10783value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is 10784much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice 10785this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA. 10786% 10787Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware 10788has limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing 10789machines are so poor at I/O. 10790% 10791Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are 10792so long they can't afford the disk space. 10793% 10794Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write 10795in anything less portable than a number two pencil. 10796% 10797Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker 10798with `programming systems', but those are so high level that they 10799hardly count (and rarely count accurately; precision is for 10800applications.) 10801% 10802Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run 10803on future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo 10804sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet. 10805% 10806Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured 10807programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet- 10808trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise 10809clear desks. 10810% 10811Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine 10812doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell 10813quiche. 10814% 10815Real programmers don't comment their code. It was hard to write, it 10816should be hard to understand. 10817% 10818Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the 10819illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how 10820much good it did them. 10821% 10822Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires 10823you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers 10824wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly 10825spring up in the middle of the machine room. 10826% 10827Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write 10828in BASIC after reaching puberty. 10829% 10830Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress 10831freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who 10832wear white socks. 10833% 10834Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who 10835can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. 10836% 10837Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue. 10838% 10839Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use 10840functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them? 10841% 10842Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. 10843This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a 10844computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package. 10845% 10846Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and 10847greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any 10848moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that 10849systems could be virtual at *___all* levels. They would like personal 10850computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your 10851DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their 10852Correctness Verification Aid packages. 10853% 10854Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the 10855job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like 10856using an undocumented external procedure. 10857% 10858Real Time, adj.: 10859 Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there 10860and then. 10861% 10862Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never 10863afraid to break your face. 10864% 10865Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts 10866down the system for days. 10867% 10868Real Users hate Real Programmers. 10869% 10870Real Users know your home telephone number. 10871% 10872Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your 10873program doesn't deliver it. 10874% 10875Real Users never use the Help key. 10876% 10877Real World, The n.: 10878 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may 10879be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To 10880programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related 10881to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and 10882tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 108834. The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university. 10884"Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used 10885pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking 10886of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a 10887deceased person. 10888% 10889Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs. 10890% 10891Reality is an obstacle to hallucination. 10892% 10893Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth? 10894 -- Patrick Sky 10895% 10896Reality is for people who lack imagination. 10897% 10898Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction. 10899% 10900Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity. 10901 -- Alvy Ray Smith 10902% 10903Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away. 10904 -- Philip K. Dick 10905% 10906"Really ?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!" 10907% 10908Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than 10909being flat broke and having a stomach ache. 10910 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 10911% 10912Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you 10913lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, 10914but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and 10915Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 10916recessions. 10917% 10918Reclaimer, spare that tree! 10919Take not a single bit! 10920It used to point to me, 10921Now I'm protecting it. 10922It was the reader's CONS 10923That made it, paired by dot; 10924Now, GC, for the nonce, 10925Thou shalt reclaim it not. 10926% 10927 "Reflections on Ice-Breaking" 10928Candy 10929Is dandy 10930But liquor 10931Is quicker. 10932 -- Ogden Nash 10933% 10934"Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the universe 10935again ..." An unusually long pause followed, "... but I don't know 10936which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A 10937spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the 10938starfield surrounding the ship. 10939 10940"Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," ZORAC 10941announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but they 10942are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have been 10943intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and 10944transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown. 10945Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious." 10946 -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star" 10947% 10948Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: 10949 If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it. 10950% 10951Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin. 10952 -- Anatole France 10953% 10954"Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it." 10955 -- Dave Barry 10956% 10957Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be 10958worse in Cleveland. 10959 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 10960% 10961Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good 10962offense! 10963% 10964Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat. 10965% 10966Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. 10967% 10968Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. 10969 -- Dave Butler 10970% 10971Renning's Maxim: 10972 Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying. 10973% 10974Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): 10975 Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization? 10976Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea. 10977% 10978Reporter, n.: 10979 A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a 10980 tempest of words. 10981 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10982% 10983REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system? 10984 10985SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that 10986the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can 10987carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away." 10988I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind 10989of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to 10990do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of 10991ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we 10992need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political 10993career by being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but 10994that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I 10995can't help it. 10996 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" 10997% 10998Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. 10999 -- Wernher von Braun 11000% 11001Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably 11002get another chance later on. 11003% 11004Review Questions 11005 11006(1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH, 11007 and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before 11008 he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the 11009 Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship? 11010 11011(2) If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks 11012 twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks 11013 every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off 11014 his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week? 11015 11016(3) If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers 11017 the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a 11018 pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King 11019 Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice? 11020% 11021Rhode's Law: 11022 When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, circumstance, 11023 or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, empirically, or 11024 circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, induced, deducted, 11025 estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always for the purpose 11026 of convenience, expediency, political advantage, material gain, or 11027 personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or none of the 11028 above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, proclaimed, and 11029 adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, universally, immutably, 11030 and infinitely so, until such time as it becomes advantageous to 11031 assume otherwise, maybe. 11032% 11033Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. 11034 -- Steven Wright 11035% 11036Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention 11037 Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will 11038 reject the proposal. 11039% 11040Romeo wasn't bilked in a day. 11041 -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With Pogo" 11042% 11043ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much. 11044MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church- 11045 door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve. 11046% 11047Rudin's Law: 11048 If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it 11049every time. 11050% 11051Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London: 11052 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall 11053be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person 11054shall be deemed to be a cat. 11055% 11056Rule of Creative Research: 11057 (1) Never draw what you can copy. 11058 (2) Never copy what you can trace. 11059 (3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. 11060% 11061Rule of Defactualization: 11062 Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. 11063% 11064Rule of Feline Frustration: 11065 When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly 11066 content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom. 11067% 11068Rule of the Great: 11069 When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep 11070 thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch. 11071% 11072Rules for Academic Deans: 11073 (1) HIDE!!!! 11074 (2) If they find you, LIE!!!! 11075 -- Father Damian C. Fandal 11076% 11077Rules for driving in New York: 11078 (1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal. 11079 (2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers 11080 on. 11081 (3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the 11082 intersection. 11083% 11084RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED 11085 (1) Never eat on an empty stomach. 11086 (2) Never leave the table hungry. 11087 (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry. 11088 (4) Enjoy your food. 11089 (5) Enjoy your companion's food. 11090 (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to 11091 accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned. 11092 (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, 11093 for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a 11094 brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks? 11095 (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal. 11096 (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You 11097 can always eat it later. 11098 (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap. 11099 (11) Avoid blue food. 11100 -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet" 11101% 11102Rules: 11103 (1) The boss is always right. 11104 (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1. 11105% 11106 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 11107 Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead. 11108 11109(1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs, 11110 ants. 11111(2) Something is missing in your personal relationships. 11112(3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate. 11113(4) You have a hard time getting a waiter. 11114(5) Exotic birds flock around you. 11115(6) People ignore you at parties. 11116(7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning. 11117(8) You no longer get off on cocaine. 11118% 11119 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 11120(1) Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear 11121 bomb; use the stairs. 11122(2) When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit 11123 the ground. 11124(3) If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials. 11125(4) Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to 11126 psychological problems. 11127(5) Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to 11128 recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed 11129 potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc. 11130(6) Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs 11131 will be scarce in the post-nuclear age. 11132(7) Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles. 11133(8) Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be 11134 staggering illegally. 11135(9) Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more 11136 sanitary due to limited circulation. 11137(10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on 11138 D-Day. 11139% 11140SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) 11141 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless 11142 tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority 11143 of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People 11144 laugh at you a great deal. 11145% 11146San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. 11147 -- Herb Caen 11148% 11149San Francisco, n.: 11150 Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse. 11151% 11152Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind. 11153 -- Mark Harrold 11154% 11155Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, 11156 He must be a communist. 11157And a beard and long hair, 11158 Must be a pacifist. 11159 11160 What's in that pipe that he's smoking? 11161 -- Arlo Guthrie 11162% 11163Satellite Safety Tip #14: 11164 If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck. 11165% 11166Sattinger's Law: 11167 It works better if you plug it in. 11168% 11169Saturday night in Toledo Ohio, 11170 Is like being nowhere at all, 11171All through the day how the hours rush by, 11172 You sit in the park and you watch the grass die. 11173 -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio" 11174% 11175Sauron is alive in Argentina! 11176% 11177Save energy: be apathetic. 11178% 11179Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda. 11180% 11181Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 11182% 11183Saw a sign on a restaurant that said Breakfast, any time -- so I 11184ordered French Toast in the Renaissance. 11185 -- Steven Wright 11186% 11187SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! 11188 -- Ken Thompson 11189% 11190Schapiro's Explanation: 11191 The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's 11192 because they use more manure. 11193% 11194Schizophrenia beats being alone. 11195% 11196Schlattwhapper, n.: 11197 The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down, 11198 hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face. 11199 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11200% 11201Schnuffel, n.: 11202 A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in 11203mixed company. 11204 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11205% 11206Schwiggle, n.: 11207 The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a 11208pencil. 11209 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11210% 11211Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made 11212of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts 11213is not necessarily science. 11214 -- Henri Poincairé 11215% 11216Science is what happens when preconception meets verification. 11217% 11218Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it. 11219 -- William Buckley 11220 11221% 11222SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) 11223 You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will 11224 achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of 11225 ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered. 11226% 11227Scott's first Law: 11228 No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. 11229% 11230Scott's second Law: 11231 When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found 11232to have been wrong in the first place. 11233 11234Corollary: 11235 After the correction has been found in error, it will be 11236impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation. 11237% 11238Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it! 11239Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock? 11240Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table. 11241Kirk: Then it's of external origin? 11242Spock: Affirmative. 11243Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two. 11244Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two. 11245% 11246Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else. 11247% 11248Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the 11249Presidency. 11250 -- Richard Nixon 11251% 11252Second Law of Business Meetings: 11253 If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you 11254 will pick the wrong one. 11255 11256Corollary: 11257 If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it 11258 wrong, anyway. 11259% 11260Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State). 11261 In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a 11262multiline message byte. 11263 In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message 11264must be sent passive true. 11265 The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter: 11266 (1) The ANRS if DAV is false 11267 (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither: 11268 (a) The LADS is active 11269 (b) Nor LACS is active 11270 11271 -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for 11272 Programmable Instrumentation 11273% 11274Security check: INTRUDER ALERT! 11275% 11276Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. 11277She scissored short. Sorely shorn, 11278Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, 11279Silently scheming, 11280Sightlessly seeking 11281Some savage, spectacular suicide. 11282 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 11283% 11284"See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ..." 11285% 11286Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine: 11287 Ice Cream cures all ills. 11288% 11289Self Test for Paranoia: 11290 You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's 11291your own fault. 11292% 11293Seminars, n.: 11294 From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion. 11295% 11296Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would 11297 notify you if the record has pornographic material or 11298 material glorifying violence?" 11299Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me." 11300Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's 11301 legs on the album cover is good indication that it's 11302 not for little Johnny." 11303 11304 -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock 11305 lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985 11306% 11307Senate, n.: 11308 A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and 11309misdemeanors. 11310 -- Ambrose Bierce 11311% 11312Serenity through viciousness. 11313% 11314Serocki's Stricture: 11315 Marriage is always a bachelor's last option. 11316% 11317Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence. 11318% 11319 "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated 11320thoughtfully. "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY 11321advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now." 11322 "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly. 11323 "Too proud?" the other enquired. 11324 Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean," 11325she said, "that one can't help growing older." 11326 "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With 11327proper assistance, you might have left off at seven." 11328 -- Lewis Carroll 11329% 11330Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a 11331big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at 11332reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's 11333build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up 11334like crabgrass all over the United States. 11335 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 11336% 11337Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke. 11338% 11339Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. 11340 -- Swami X 11341% 11342Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. 11343 -- M. C. Reed. 11344% 11345Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, 11346it's one of the best. 11347 -- Woody Allen 11348% 11349Shamus, n. [Yiddish]: 11350 A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the 11351temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. 11352 A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagogue 11353functionaries, and there's a joke about that: 11354 A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the 11355middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be 11356bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" 11357 The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I 11358am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks 11359he's nobody!" 11360 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 11361% 11362Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off 11363during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. 11364 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 11365 Teen Should Know" 11366% 11367Shaw's Principle: 11368 Build a system that even a fool can use, 11369 and only a fool will want to use it. 11370% 11371She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to. 11372 -- Gypsy Rose Lee 11373% 11374She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot. 11375 -- Mark Twain 11376% 11377She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them 11378were bad. 11379% 11380She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could 11381have poured on a waffle. 11382% 11383She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing, 11384you should hear me play piano.' 11385 -- Morrisey 11386% 11387She's genuinely bogus. 11388% 11389Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have 11390taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an 11391excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature. 11392 -- Samuel Johnson 11393% 11394SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT! 11395POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE! 11396% 11397Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is 11398playing golf with his boss. 11399% 11400Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change. 11401% 11402Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help. 11403 -- from the Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet 11404% 11405Silverman's Law: 11406 If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. 11407% 11408Simon's Law: 11409 Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. 11410% 11411Since I hurt my pendulum 11412My life is all erratic. 11413My parrot, who was cordial, 11414Is now transmitting static. 11415The carpet died, a palm collapsed, 11416The cat keeps doing poo. 11417The only thing that keeps me sane 11418Is talking to my shoe. 11419 -- My Shoe 11420% 11421Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're 11422alive. 11423 -- John Sloan 11424% 11425Since we're all here, we must not be all there. 11426 -- Bob "Mountain" Beck 11427% 11428[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the 11429vices I admire. 11430 -- Winston Churchill 11431% 11432Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the Vulgate 11433Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull automatically 11434excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text. 11435This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. He personally 11436examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the published 11437Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be 11438printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result provoked wry 11439comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had 11440no recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy. 11441% 11442Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor): 11443 That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, 11444 or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you 11445 should have gotten. 11446% 11447Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes 11448to work. 11449% 11450Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, 11451when a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and 11452apparently incoherent songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I 11453neither saw nor heard as those without might see and hear. They told a 11454tale which was then altogether beyond my feeble comprehension: they 11455were tones, loud, long and deep, breathing the prayer and complaint of 11456souls boiling over with the bitterest anguish. Every tone was a 11457testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God for deliverance from 11458chains. 11459 -- Frederick Douglass 11460% 11461Slick's Three Laws of the Universe: 11462 (1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad 11463 check. 11464 (2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. 11465 (3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is 11466 attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is 11467 attracted to dark objects. 11468% 11469Slowly and surely the unix crept up on the Nintendo user ... 11470% 11471Slurm, n.: 11472 The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when 11473 it sits in the dish too long. 11474 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11475% 11476Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. 11477 -- Fletcher Knebel 11478% 11479Snacktrek, n.: 11480 The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly 11481returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have 11482materialized. 11483 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 11484% 11485So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate 11486your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and 11487hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast 11488array of 8-millimeter video equipment. 11489 11490... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you 11491were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format 11492that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as 11493toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be 11494made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a 11495format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*. 11496 -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics 11497 Revolution" 11498% 11499So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in 11500praise of intelligence. 11501 -- Bertrand Russell 11502% 11503... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those 11504who wish to tyrannize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent, 11505and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious 11506and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men. 11507 -- Voltarine de Cleyre 11508% 11509 So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. 11510With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to 11511maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of 11512corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to 11513flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward 11514it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and -- 11515I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in 11516the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us. 11517 Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and 11518I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our 11519heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're 11520unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water 11521up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the 11522opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of 11523our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all 11524the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers 11525cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen 11526these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked 11527into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads. 11528 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 11529% 11530So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple 11531pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops 11532its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very 11533imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, 11534and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, 11535and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the 11536gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots. 11537 -- Samuel Foote 11538% 11539... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their 11540procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as 11541to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of 11542sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making 11543documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly 11544listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another 11545documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking, 11546under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the 11547effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply 11548scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White 11549in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of 11550thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and 11551then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very 11552dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all 11553along. 11554 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 11555% 11556So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? 11557And why can't he ever remember his Bible? 11558% 11559Sodd's Second Law: 11560 Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is 11561bound to occur. 11562% 11563Software, n.: 11564 Formal evening attire for female computer analysts. 11565% 11566Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit. 11567% 11568Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them. 11569 -- Ed Howe 11570% 11571Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to 11572celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around 11573stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on 11574"The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind 11575of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The 11576government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level 11577Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and 11578billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which 11579it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming 11580thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with 11581the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money 11582and go to a mall. 11583 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 11584% 11585Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some 11586people have mediocrity thrust upon them. 11587 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" 11588% 11589Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have only 11590one life to live, let me live it as a jerk." 11591% 11592Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit 11593them on the head. 11594% 11595Some people live life in the fast lane. You're in oncoming traffic. 11596% 11597Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when 11598you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even 11599worse. 11600 -- Avery 11601% 11602Some points to remember [about animals]: 11603 11604(1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri, 11605 hippopotamuses; 11606(2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the 11607 front of your clothes; 11608(3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs 11609 you have just kicked. 11610 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 11611% 11612Some primal termite knocked on wood. 11613And tasted it, and found it good. 11614And that is why your Cousin May 11615Fell through the parlor floor today. 11616 -- Ogden Nash 11617% 11618Some programming languages manage to absorb change but withstand 11619progress. 11620% 11621Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand 11622progress. 11623 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 11624% 11625Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the 11626pens will multiply instead of disappear. 11627% 11628Someone will try to honk your nose today. 11629% 11630Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm 11631the only ashtray. 11632% 11633Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. 11634 -- Lily Tomlin 11635% 11636"Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the 11637Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then 11638intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men 11639and women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our 11640best, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are 11641we not God's Machineries of Joy?" 11642 11643"If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin." 11644 -- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy" 11645% 11646Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering. 11647% 11648Song Title of the Week: 11649 "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change 11650in me." 11651% 11652Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. 11653(Those who have already paid may disregard this fortune). 11654% 11655Sorry, no fortune this time. 11656% 11657Sorry. I forget what I was going to say. 11658% 11659Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- 11660bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the 11661road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space. 11662 -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 11663% 11664"Spare no expense to save money on this one." 11665 -- Samuel Goldwyn 11666% 11667Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers: 11668 If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as 11669if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question 11670back at him. 11671% 11672Speak roughly to your little boy, 11673 And beat him when he sneezes: 11674He only does it to annoy 11675 Because he knows it teases. 11676 11677 Wow! wow! wow! 11678 11679I speak severely to my boy, 11680 And beat him when he sneezes: 11681For he can thoroughly enjoy 11682 The pepper when he pleases! 11683 11684 Wow! wow! wow! 11685 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland" 11686% 11687Speak roughly to your little VAX, 11688 And boot it when it crashes; 11689It knows that one cannot relax 11690 Because the paging thrashes! 11691 11692 Wow! Wow! Wow! 11693 11694I speak severely to my VAX, 11695 And boot it when it crashes; 11696In spite of all my favorite hacks 11697 My jobs it always thrashes! 11698 11699 Wow! Wow! Wow! 11700% 11701Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword. 11702% 11703Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. 11704 -- Dave Millman 11705% 11706Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am 11707sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, 11708cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free 11709the middle third? Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a 11710bit string and assign the result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a 11711controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before 11712passing it back? Overlay three different types of variable on the same 11713memory location? Anything you say! Write a recursive macro? Well, 11714no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language so obviously 11715designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use? 11716% 11717Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror: 11718 11719 With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair 11720 He throws the spinning disk drives in the air! 11721 And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down 11722 As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds! 11723 Helpless users with projects due 11724 Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too! 11725 11726 Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla! 11727 Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!" 11728 11729* VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation 11730* DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc. 11731 -- Curtis Jackson 11732% 11733Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently 11734these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people 11735to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't 11736communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so 11737on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real 11738life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't 11739communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very _____least 11740he can do is to Shut Up! 11741 -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was" 11742% 11743Speed is subsittute fo accurancy. 11744% 11745Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading: 11746 The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the 11747 number of times you have looked at it. 11748% 11749Spelling is a lossed art. 11750% 11751Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers. 11752% 11753Spirtle, n.: 11754 The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in 11755 your eye. 11756 -- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends" 11757% 11758Spouse, n.: 11759 Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you 11760 wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. 11761% 11762Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist 11763drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to purée of bat guano; and the 11764greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll 11765take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up! 11766 -- Harlan Ellison 11767% 11768Stay away from flying saucers today. 11769% 11770Stay away from hurricanes for a while. 11771% 11772Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly. 11773% 11774Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: 11775 Everybody should believe in something -- 11776 I believe I'll have another drink. 11777% 11778Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming: 11779 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to 11780 handle. 11781% 11782Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. 11783% 11784Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. 11785Now, if they'd only take a bath ... 11786% 11787Stult's Report: 11788 Our problems are mostly behind us. 11789 What we have to do now is fight the solutions. 11790% 11791Stupid, adj.: 11792 Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay. 11793% 11794Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out? 11795% 11796Sturgeon's Law: 11797 90% of everything is crud. 11798% 11799Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your 11800editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. 11801 -- Mark Twain 11802% 11803Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way 11804before it is understood. 11805% 11806Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring. 11807% 11808Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar 11809without his duck ... 11810% 11811(Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA) 11812 11813 To code the impossible code, 11814 To bring up a virgin machine, 11815 To pop out of endless recursion, 11816 To grok what appears on the screen, 11817 11818 To right the unrightable bug, 11819 To endlessly twiddle and thrash, 11820 To mount the unmountable magtape, 11821 To stop the unstoppable crash! 11822% 11823Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have! 11824% 11825Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy. 11826% 11827Support your local police force -- steal!! 11828% 11829Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost. 11830% 11831Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead! 11832% 11833Surprise due today. Also the rent. 11834% 11835Surprise your boss. Get to work on time. 11836% 11837Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit! Just type 11838in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving 11839the room is punishable under law: 11840 11841Name # 11842 11843 11844% 11845Swahili, n.: 11846 The language used by the National Enquirer to print their 11847 retractions. 11848 -- Johnny Hart 11849% 11850Sweater, n.: 11851 A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly. 11852% 11853Swipple's Rule of Order: 11854 He who shouts the loudest has the floor. 11855% 11856Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon. 11857 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 11858% 11859System/3! System/3! 11860See how it runs! See how it runs! 11861 Its monitor loses so totally! 11862 It runs all its programs in RPG! 11863 It's made by our favorite monopoly! 11864System/3! 11865% 11866Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad 11867infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over. 11868 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 11869% 11870 _ 11871 _ / \ o 11872 / \ | | o o o 11873 | | | | _ o o o o 11874 | \_| | / \ o o o 11875 \__ | | | o o 11876 | | | | ______ ~~~~ _____ 11877 | |__/ | / ___--\\ ~~~ __/_____\__ 11878 | ___/ / \--\\ \\ \ ___ <__ x x __\ 11879 | | / /\\ \\ )) \ ( " ) 11880 | | -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >----------- 11881 | | // | | //__________ / \ ____) (___ \\ 11882 | | // __|_| ( --------- ) //// ______ /////\ \\ 11883 // | ( \ ______ / <<<< <>-----<<<<< / \\ 11884 // ( ) / / \` \__ \\ 11885 //-------------------------------------------------------------\\ 11886 11887Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels 11888start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and 11889then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the 11890music at top volume and at least a pint of ether. 11891 -- H. S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" 11892% 11893T: One big monster, he called TROLL. 11894 He don't rock, and he don't roll; 11895 Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies. 11896 He just Love To Eat Them Roguies. 11897 -- The Roguelet's ABC 11898% 11899Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a 11900hole in his head. 11901% 11902Tact, n.: 11903 The unsaid part of what you're thinking. 11904% 11905Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way. 11906% 11907Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting 11908enough cheese. 11909 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 11910% 11911Take it easy, we're in a hurry. 11912% 11913Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it 11914needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. 11915 -- Kipling 11916% 11917Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit 11918back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good 11919beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up 11920drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a 11921nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves 11922and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So 11923Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw 11924no need to improve ... 11925 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 11926% 11927Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to 11928your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms, 11929and they'll call you crazy. 11930 -- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul" 11931% 11932Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. 11933 -- Euripides 11934% 11935Talkers are no good doers. 11936 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 11937% 11938Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. 11939 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 11940% 11941TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) 11942 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged 11943 determination and work like hell. Most people think you are 11944 stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist. 11945% 11946Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind 11947the tree." 11948 -- Russell Long 11949% 11950Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself 11951out of the market. 11952% 11953Taxes, n.: 11954 Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get 11955 an extension. 11956% 11957Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, when they 11958grows up, they will never be able to edge a car onto a freeway. 11959% 11960Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else. 11961% 11962Technological progress has merely provided us 11963with more efficient means for going backwards. 11964 -- Aldous Huxley 11965% 11966Telephone, n.: 11967 An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the 11968 advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. 11969 -- Ambrose Bierce 11970% 11971Tell me, O Octopus, I begs, 11972Is those things arms, or is they legs? 11973I marvel at thee, Octopus; 11974If I were thou, I'd call me us. 11975 -- Ogden Nash 11976% 11977Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop 11978writing. 11979 -- R. Geis 11980% 11981Terence, this is stupid stuff: 11982You eat your victuals fast enough; 11983There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear, 11984To see the rate you drink your beer. 11985But oh, good Lord, the verse you make, 11986It gives a chap the belly-ache. 11987The cow, the old cow, she is dead; 11988It sleeps well the horned head: 11989We poor lads, 'tis our turn now 11990To hear such tunes as killed the cow. 11991Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme 11992Your friends to death before their time. 11993Moping, melancholy mad: 11994Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad. 11995 -- A. E. Housman 11996% 11997Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising 11998amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered 11999the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling 12000to risk offending God's grandmother. 12001 -- Len Cool, "American Pie" 12002% 12003Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a 12004pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city 12005until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian .... To him is 12006ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe 12007because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical 12008fact, for he merely said: 12009 12010 "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because 12011 it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain 12012 because it is impossible." 12013 12014Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of 12015philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it. 12016 -- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types 12017 12018(Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church). 12019% 12020Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones. 12021% 12022Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession. 12023% 12024Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even 12025one which cannot be justified on any other grounds. 12026 -- J. Finnegan, USC. 12027% 12028Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future. 12029 -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly 12030% 12031That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver 12032 -- Foghorn Leghorn 12033% 12034That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all. 12035 -- Moliere 12036% 12037That secret you've been guarding, isn't. 12038% 12039That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. 12040 -- Dorothy Parker 12041% 12042The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy. 12043% 12044The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by 12045people who want some. 12046 -- Dwight MacDonald 12047% 12048The Abrams' Principle: 12049 The shortest distance between two points is off the wall. 12050% 12051The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper 12052 -- Thomas Jefferson 12053% 12054The Advertising Agency Song: 12055 12056 When your client's hopping mad, 12057 Put his picture in the ad. 12058 If he still should prove refractory, 12059 Add a picture of his factory. 12060% 12061The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug 12062someone with it. 12063 -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340 12064% 12065... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that 12066consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune 12067of "Camptown Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to 12068listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it. 12069 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 12070% 12071The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas 12072River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little 12073Rock. 12074% 12075The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. 12076Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed 12077and color, but also on ability. 12078 -- T. Lehrer 12079% 12080The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe. 12081 -- Bill Murray 12082% 12083The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use 12084in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the 12085Declaration not for that, but for future use. 12086 -- Abraham Lincoln 12087% 12088The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m. 12089% 12090The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the 12091average man can see better than he can think. 12092% 12093The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by 12094people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried 12095anything. 12096 -- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore 12097% 12098The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than 12099cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and 12100difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, 12101which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- 12102here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO 12103RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you 12104want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking 12105lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a 12106squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out 12107and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault, 12108his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was 12109neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking 12110lots. 12111 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 12112% 12113The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit 12114called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in 12115writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would 12116be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices 12117immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a 12118bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special 12119Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of 12120paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patty 12121would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning. 12122The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to 12123emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood 12124Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets." 12125 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" 12126% 12127The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; 12128but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman. 12129% 12130The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. 12131 -- W. C. Fields 12132% 12133The best defense against logic is ignorance. 12134% 12135The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. 12136% 12137"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and 12138blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. 12139You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at 12140night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only 12141love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or 12142know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only 12143one thing for it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what 12144wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, 12145never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never 12146dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a 12147lot of things there are to learn." 12148 -- T. H. White, "The Once and Future King" 12149% 12150The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them 12151is a match. 12152 -- Will Rogers 12153% 12154The bigger the theory the better. 12155% 12156The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse 12157time. 12158 -- Merrick Furst 12159% 12160The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time for Miss 12161Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public. 12162 12163It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners has been 12164known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a curb, and, 12165in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a foot or two 12166under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the sight of 12167people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand dresses up a 12168city considerably more than the more familiar sight of people shaking 12169umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to is the kind of 12170activity that frightens the horses on the street ... 12171% 12172The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch. 12173% 12174The bogosity meter just pegged. 12175% 12176The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up 12177in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school. 12178% 12179The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development: 12180 To determine how long it will take to write and debug a 12181 program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, 12182 add one, and convert to the next higher units. 12183% 12184The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. 12185Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in 12186automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo. 12187 -- Art Buchwald 12188% 12189The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding 12190bureaucracy. 12191% 12192The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the 12193flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language. 12194% 12195The camel has a single hump; 12196The dromedary two; 12197Or else the other way around. 12198I'm never sure. Are you? 12199 -- Ogden Nash 12200% 12201The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly 12202greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed 12203inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner 12204party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics. 12205 -- H. L. Mencken 12206% 12207The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain. 12208 -- G. Fitch 12209% 12210The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up 12211at the steam fitters' picnic. 12212% 12213The chief cause of problems is solutions. 12214 -- Eric Sevareid 12215% 12216The chief danger in life is that you may take too may precautions. 12217 -- Alfred Adler 12218% 12219The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will 12220walk carefully. 12221 -- Russian Proverb 12222% 12223The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere. 12224% 12225The Computer made me do it. 12226% 12227The computing field is always in need of new cliches. 12228 -- Alan Perlis 12229% 12230The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his 12231memos. 12232 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 12233% 12234The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other 12235subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up 12236every bird watcher in the country. 12237 -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972 12238% 12239The Consultant's Curse: 12240 When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him 12241what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong 12242medicine, and is normally only required once. 12243% 12244The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is 12245none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but." 12246Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. 12247Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you 12248talked about. 12249 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 12250% 12251The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. 12252% 12253The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down. 12254% 12255The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to 12256eat. 12257 -- John McNulty 12258% 12259The Crown is full of it! 12260 -- Nate Harris, 1775 12261% 12262The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should 12263therefore be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could 12264hardly be propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to 12265declare war and they are screened at once from scrutiny ... In war, 12266then, as in peace, assert the freedom of speech and of the press. 12267Cling to this as the bulwark of all our rights and privileges. 12268 -- William Ellery Channing 12269% 12270The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. 12271% 12272The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of 12273us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching 12274Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe. 12275% 12276The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary? 12277% 12278The devil finds work for idle circuits to do. 12279% 12280The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell 12281into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him 12282out again, it would be a calamity. 12283 -- Benjamin Disraeli 12284% 12285The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science 12286requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship. 12287 -- Robert Heinlein 12288% 12289The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the 12290following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates: 12291 12292 "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. 12293Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is 12294Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous. 12295 "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish. 12296Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. 12297Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. 12298Macaroons are ____very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is 12299goyish. Lime soda is ____very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that 12300Jews won't go near them ..." 12301 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 12302% 12303The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on 12304a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets. 12305% 12306The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man 12307really clever who has not found that he is stupid. 12308 -- Gilbert K. Chesterson 12309% 12310The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show 12311off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his 12312next hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the 12313duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the 12314duck and returned it to his master. 12315 "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly. 12316 "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim." 12317% 12318The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late 12319and owns the worm farm. 12320 -- Travis McGee 12321% 12322The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. 12323% 12324The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and 12325add ten percent. 12326% 12327The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on 12328weather forecasters. 12329 -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann 12330% 12331"The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not 12332Compute' -- I forget which." 12333 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 12334% 12335The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of 12336civilization. 12337 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 12338% 12339The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with 12340symposium to follow. 12341% 12342The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach 12343their children to speak it. 12344 -- G. B. Shaw 12345% 12346The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a 12347remarkable Christian forbearance among men. 12348 -- Ambrose Bierce 12349% 12350The fact that it works is immaterial. 12351 -- L. Ogborn 12352% 12353The faster we go, the rounder we get. 12354 -- The Grateful Dead 12355% 12356The Fifth Rule: 12357 You have taken yourself too seriously. 12358% 12359The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. 12360 -- Abbie Hoffman 12361% 12362The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King 12363Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a 12364tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad 12365forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously 12366fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of 12367threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked 12368suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of 12369foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead 12370one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with 12371dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found 12372drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown 12373and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have 12374thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture 12375of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left 12376in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed 12377crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave 12378Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when 12379a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful 12380throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system. 12381 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 12382% 12383The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of 12384management is that success equals skill. 12385 -- Robert Heller 12386% 12387The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish 12388child, was propounded to me by my father: 12389 "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and 12390whistles?" 12391 I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity 12392gave up. 12393 "A herring," said my father. 12394 "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" 12395 "So hang it there." 12396 "But a herring isn't green!" I protested. 12397 "Paint it." 12398 "But a herring isn't wet." 12399 "If it's just painted it's still wet." 12400 "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring 12401doesn't whistle!!" 12402 "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it 12403hard." 12404 -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish" 12405% 12406"The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your 12407hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do." 12408 -- McCloctnik the Lucid 12409% 12410The First Rule of Program Optimization: 12411 Don't do it. 12412 12413The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): 12414 Don't do it yet. 12415 -- Michael Jackson 12416% 12417The first time, it's a KLUDGE! 12418The second, a trick. 12419Later, it's a well-established technique! 12420 -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics 12421% 12422The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions 12423Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals: 12424 12425As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of 12426logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more 12427appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the 12428four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector. 12429 . . . 12430Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible 12431blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves 12432parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge 12433of the hyper-cube. 12434% 12435The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by 12436a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities. 12437% 12438The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and 12439vinyl. 12440 -- Dave Barry 12441% 12442The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the 12443number of your kids by 32 teeth. 12444% 12445The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to 12446chance. 12447% 12448The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness. 12449% 12450The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the 12451center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South 12452Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South 12453End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. 12454% 12455The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled 12456today. 12457% 12458The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at 12459least until we've finished building it. 12460% 12461The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. 12462The goal of nature is to build better mice. 12463% 12464The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him 12465love and he invented marriage. 12466% 12467THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES 12468 The one who has the gold makes the rules. 12469% 12470"The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who 12471make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians 12472have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine 12473man in the bonds of Hell." 12474 -- St. Augustine 12475% 12476The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got 12477to be good. 12478 -- John Barrymore 12479% 12480 "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop") 12481 12482On the good ship Enterprise 12483Every week there's a new surprise 12484Where the Romulans lurk 12485And the Klingons often go berserk. 12486 12487Yes, the good ship Enterprise 12488There's excitement anywhere it flies 12489Where Tribbles play 12490And Nurse Chapel never gets her way. 12491 12492 See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge, 12493 Mr. Spock is at his side. 12494 The weekly menace, ooh-ooh 12495 It gets fried, scattered far and wide. 12496 12497It's the good ship Enterprise 12498Heading out where danger lies 12499And you live in dread 12500If you're wearing a shirt that's red. 12501 -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics 12502% 12503The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of 12504statistics. These are raised to the _nth degree, the cube roots are 12505extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive 12506displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every 12507case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts 12508down anything he damn well pleases. 12509 -- Sir Josiah Stamp 12510% 12511The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all 12512who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature. 12513 -- Benjamin Franklin. 12514% 12515The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog: 12516 The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in courtship, 12517 his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk clerks. 12518 Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods of 12519 time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp 12520 Hedgehog Eater. 12521 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 12522% 12523The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men 12524of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding. 12525 -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis 12526% 12527The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. 12528 -- Albert Einstein 12529% 12530The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom 12531whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow. 12532% 12533The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: 12534 You can never be sure how many beers you had last night. 12535% 12536The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent 12537thinkers. 12538% 12539The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back, 12540which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at 12541least 5000 years old." 12542% 12543The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for 12544lists of "Ten Best". 12545 -- H. Allen Smith 12546% 12547The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and 12548has gills through which it can see. 12549 -- Monty Python 12550% 12551The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of 12552its capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system. 12553% 12554The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange 12555protein -- it rejects it. 12556 -- P. Medawar 12557% 12558The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can 12559remember. Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider 12560struggling to weave its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in 12561spring, the shark reveals to us yet another of the infinite and 12562wonderful facets of nature, namely the facet that it can bite your head 12563off. This causes us humans to feel a certain degree of awe. 12564 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 12565% 12566The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. 12567 -- Mark Twain 12568% 12569The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that 12570procession but carrying a banner. 12571 -- Mark Twain 12572% 12573The idea is to die young as late as possible. 12574 -- Ashley Montague 12575% 12576The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic 12577devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers, 12578where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with 12579sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed, 12580consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than 12581have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones 12582repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist 12583of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic 12584devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!" 12585 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" 12586% 12587The identical is equal to itself, since it is different. 12588 -- Franco Spisani 12589% 12590The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit longer. 12591 -- Henry Kissinger 12592% 12593The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf 12594has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know 12595when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr. 12596 -- Will Rogers 12597% 12598The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important 12599point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly 12600important thing to people. 12601 -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King 12602% 12603The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the 12604number of participants. 12605 -- Adam Walinsky 12606% 12607The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided 12608by the number of people in the group. 12609% 12610The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free 12611information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a 12612dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a 12613real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless. 12614 12615So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never 12616pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big 12617consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes... 12618 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 12619% 12620The Kennedy Constant: 12621 Don't get mad -- get even. 12622% 12623The Killer Ducks are coming!!! 12624% 12625The ladies men admire, I've heard, 12626Would shudder at a wicked word. 12627Their candle gives a single light; 12628They'd rather stay at home at night. 12629They do not keep awake till three, 12630Nor read erotic poetry. 12631They never sanction the impure, 12632Nor recognize an overture. 12633They shrink from powders and from paints... 12634So far, I've had no complaints. 12635 -- Dorothy Parker 12636% 12637The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a 12638word processor," I replied, "They used to say the same thing about 12639drugs." 12640 -- Roy Blount, Jr. 12641% 12642The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the 12643law free. 12644 -- Henry David Thoreau 12645% 12646The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the 12647poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal 12648bread. 12649 -- Anatole France 12650% 12651The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all 12652men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the 12653universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we 12654presently imagine we own. 12655 -- H. G. Wells 12656% 12657 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE 12658 12659SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language 12660Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for 12661Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code 12662with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, 12663END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make 12664a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus 12665they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without 12666the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging. 12667% 12668 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP 12669 12670This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of 12671an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said 12672to be useful in protheththing lithtth. 12673% 12674 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL 12675 12676SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. 12677Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they 12678compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the 12679coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom 12680sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to 12681compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but 12682infinitely faster) language, COCAINE. 12683% 12684 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE 12685 12686Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely 12687unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just 12688are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. 12689SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at 12690parties. 12691% 12692 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C- 12693 12694This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he 12695submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is 12696best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the 12697language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code 12698statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very 12699similar to COBOL. 12700% 12701 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18a: FIFTH 12702 12703FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types 12704refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and 12705JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and 12706BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, 12707CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND. 12708 12709The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and 12710financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include 12711VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH 12712and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers 12713who end up using this language. 12714% 12715 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE 12716 12717Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene 12718DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The 12719language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics 12720and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A 12721spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of 12722ours." 12723 12724The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have 12725almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the 12726organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to 12727exist. 12728% 12729 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL 12730From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley, 12731VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry. 12732 12733Here is a sample program: 12734 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START 12735 IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND 12736 VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN 12737 FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100 12738 DO*WAH - (DITTY**2) 12739 BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT) 12740 SURE 12741 LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM 12742 REALLY 12743 LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW) 12744 IM*SURE 12745 GOTO THE MALL 12746 12747When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message: 12748 12749 GAG ME WITH A SPOON!! 12750% 12751 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK 12752 12753This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi, 12754Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to 12755the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley. 12756 12757The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs 12758while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there 12759because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and 12760Perrier. 12761 12762Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle 12763and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower 12764case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the 12765message: 12766 "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can 12767 you find the time to try it again?" 12768% 12769The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching 12770train. 12771% 12772The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon. 12773% 12774The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get 12775much sleep. 12776 -- Woody Allen 12777% 12778The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself. 12779 -- Henry Kissinger 12780% 12781The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as 12782we could with both of them. 12783 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" 12784% 12785The makers may make 12786And the users may use, 12787But the fixers must fix 12788With but minimal clues 12789% 12790The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the 12791crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no 12792one has ever been. 12793 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt 12794% 12795The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that 12796will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. 12797 -- Mark Twain. 12798% 12799The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a 12800soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which 12801when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years. 12802% 12803"... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ..." 12804 -- Dave Barry 12805% 12806The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse. 12807% 12808 The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the 12809klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream." 12810 12811 "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?" 12812 12813 "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?" 12814% 12815The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to 12816devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation. 12817 -- Lew Mammel, Jr. 12818% 12819The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might 12820be general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the 12821law that any field that had the word "science" in its name was 12822guaranteed thereby not to be a science. He would cite as examples 12823Military Science, Library Science, Political Science, Homemaking 12824Science, Social Science, and Computer Science. Discuss the generality 12825of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive 12826power. 12827 -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems 12828 Thinking." 12829% 12830The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything. 12831 -- Laurence J. Peter 12832% 12833The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me. 12834 -- Nicol Williamson 12835% 12836The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader. 12837% 12838The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away. 12839% 12840The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the 12841lower the mailing cost. 12842 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 12843% 12844The more laws and order are made prominent, 12845the more thieves and robbers there will be. 12846 -- Lao Tsu 12847% 12848The more things change, the more they stay insane. 12849% 12850The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us 12851is right. 12852% 12853The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey. 12854 -- Andy Warhol 12855% 12856The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and 12857to watch someone else do it wrong without comment. 12858 -- Theodore H. White 12859% 12860The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new 12861discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..." 12862 -- Isaac Asimov 12863% 12864The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on. 12865% 12866... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!! 12867% 12868 "... The name of the song is called `Haddocks' Eyes'!" 12869 "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to 12870feel interested. 12871 "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little 12872vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, `The Aged 12873Aged Man.'" 12874 "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?" 12875Alice corrected herself. 12876 "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is 12877called `Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!" 12878 "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this time 12879completely bewildered. 12880 "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is 12881"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention." 12882 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 12883% 12884"The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 128851986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert." 12886 -- D. Letterman 12887% 12888The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says: 12889 Support your right to bare arms! 12890% 12891The net of law is spread so wide, 12892No sinner from its sweep may hide. 12893Its meshes are so fine and strong, 12894They take in every child of wrong. 12895O wondrous web of mystery! 12896Big fish alone escape from thee! 12897 -- James Jeffrey Roche 12898% 12899The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I 12900hope I don't get run over again. 12901% 12902The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory, 12903in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system. 12904 12905 But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for 12906 whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. 12907 -- Matthew 5:37 12908% 12909"The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The 12910Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country. 12911The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive 12912and running the country ..." 12913 -- Robert J Woodhead 12914% 12915The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to 12916choose from. 12917 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum 12918% 12919The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the 1292080-column card. 12921 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 12922% 12923The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should 12924serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society 12925these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their 12926function is to serve as checks upon the state. 12927 -- Alan Barth 12928% 12929The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are 12930correct. 12931 -- Ralph Hartley 12932% 12933The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly 12934analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their 12935occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve 12936these problems when called upon. 12937 12938However, when you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to 12939remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp. 12940% 12941The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: 12942 Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm, 12943 Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate 12944 Planning." 12945% 12946The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. 12947% 12948The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age 12949brings wisdom. 12950 -- H. L. Mencken 12951% 12952The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader 12953catch his own breath. 12954 -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart 12955% 12956The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when 12957to cringe. 12958% 12959The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the 12960`social sciences' is: some do, some don't. 12961 -- Ernest Rutherford 12962% 12963The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop 12964and take a rest. 12965% 12966The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon. 12967 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and 12968 Over and Over" 12969% 12970The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it. 12971% 12972The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber 12973has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, 12974finished, and put inside boxes. 12975 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 12976% 12977The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. 12978It is never any use to oneself. 12979 -- Oscar Wilde 12980% 12981The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from 12982history. 12983 -- Hegel 12984 12985I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the 12986long view. 12987 -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar" 12988% 12989The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. 12990 -- Oscar Wilde 12991% 12992The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up 12993until 5 or 6 p.m. 12994% 12995The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. 12996 -- Bohr 12997% 12998The optimum committee has no members. 12999 -- Norman Augustine 13000% 13001The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost 13002went back in time. 13003 -- Steven Wright 13004% 13005The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because 13006it isn't here. 13007 -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley) 13008% 13009The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it 13010were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. 13011 -- H. L. Mencken 13012% 13013 The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the 13014Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a 13015large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' 13016it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the 13017apparatus for a spectator sport. 13018 13019 The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for 13020castrating pigs during Sunday service. 13021 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 13022% 13023The Pig, if I am not mistaken, 13024Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. 13025Let others think his heart is big, 13026I think it stupid of the Pig. 13027 -- Ogden Nash 13028% 13029The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter 13030swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the 13031batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The 13032center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute 13033his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it. 13034 -- Dizzy Dean 13035% 13036The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose. 13037 -- David Lardner 13038% 13039The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish 13040to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it 13041is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of 13042courtesy, not expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own 13043preferences. Only then can we hope to restore the insult to its proper 13044social function of expressing true distaste. 13045 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to 13046 Excruciatingly Correct Behavior" 13047% 13048The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more often. 13049% 13050The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher, 13051 Were each of them once a kiddie. 13052A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature. 13053 Do I want one? God Forbiddie! 13054 -- Ogden Nash 13055% 13056The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his 13057brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is 13058Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers. 13059 -- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter 13060% 13061The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday 13062they might force their beliefs on us. 13063 -- Mario Cuomo 13064% 13065The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired 13066warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by 13067changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped 13068marker. 13069 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 13070% 13071The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to 13072constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every 13073appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA 13074statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This 13075also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change. 13076 -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers 13077% 13078The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough 13079voters to win the next election. 13080% 13081The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" 13082represents the secondary theme: 13083 13084 Law Enforcement Officials 13085 13086The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: 13087 13088 Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials 13089 13090 -- M. Gallaher 13091% 13092... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from 13093other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in 13094charity we can only call "inhuman." 13095 -- R. A. Lafferty 13096% 13097The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the 13098stupidity of your action. 13099% 13100The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. 13101Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil 13102using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle 13103Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, 13104etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous 13105bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None 13106of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats 13107developed cancer. 13108 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 13109% 13110The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go 13111to erase it. 13112 -- Glaser and Way 13113% 13114The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to get 13115results. 13116 13117The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy 13118problems in order to get results. 13119 13120The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy 13121problems in order to get results. 13122% 13123The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be 13124pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. 13125 -- Elizabeth Taylor 13126% 13127The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 13128% 13129The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's 13130outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by 13131mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once 13132tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims 13133the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding. 13134 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 13135% 13136"The pyramid is opening!" 13137"Which one?" 13138"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" 13139 -- Firesign Theater, "How Can You Be In Two Places At 13140 Once When You're Not Anywhere At All" 13141% 13142The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's: 13143 "My brain is paged out to my liver" 13144% 13145The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is 13146it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, 13147that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of 13148industrial waste? 13149 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" 13150% 13151The rain it raineth on the just 13152 And also on the unjust fella, 13153But chiefly on the just, because 13154 The unjust steals the just's umbrella. 13155 --Lord Bowen 13156% 13157The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is 13158cursed. 13159% 13160The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much. 13161% 13162The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose", 13163which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape 13164Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil 13165Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like. 13166 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 13167% 13168The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one 13169persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all 13170progress depends on the unreasonable man. 13171 -- George Bernard Shaw 13172% 13173The revolution will not be televised. 13174% 13175The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. 13176 -- Emerson 13177% 13178The rhino is a homely beast, 13179For human eyes he's not a feast. 13180Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros, 13181I'll stare at something less prepoceros. 13182 -- Ogden Nash 13183% 13184The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This 13185means that only left handed people are in their right mind. 13186% 13187"The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests 13188and to his imagination for his facts." 13189 -- Sheridan 13190% 13191The right to revolt has sources deep in our history. 13192 -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas 13193% 13194The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the 13195House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights 13196you have and what rights you have not got. 13197 -- J. Parnell Thomas 13198% 13199The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with 13200sloppy analysis! 13201% 13202The Roman Rule 13203 The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the 13204 one who is doing it. 13205% 13206The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in 13207his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on 13208one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't 13209take it too seriously. 13210 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 13211% 13212The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or 13213give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once. 13214 -- Jane Bryant Quinn 13215% 13216"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography" 13217% 13218The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 13219showed that all had these things in common: 13220 13221 (1) They all had moderate appetites. 13222 (2) They all came from middle class homes 13223 (3) All but two of them were dead. 13224% 13225The scum also rises. 13226 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson 13227% 13228The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, 13229respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven millstones 13230from Man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the 13231millstones are lifted. 13232 -- George Bernard Shaw 13233% 13234 The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood 13235as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. 13236The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in 13237the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in 13238twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive. 13239 13240 "Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached 13241everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a 13242fierce host which out-numbers Lankhmar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- 13243and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city." 13244 13245 "How?" demanded Fafhrd. 13246 13247 Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know." 13248 -- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar" 13249% 13250The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land. 13251% 13252The shortest distance between two points is under construction. 13253 -- Noelie Alito 13254% 13255The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee: 13256 The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going 13257in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long 13258way.) 13259 -- Dan Roddick 13260% 13261The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity 13262and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted 13263activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy ... 13264neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water. 13265% 13266The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their money. 13267 -- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon" 13268% 13269The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up! 13270% 13271The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be 13272able to correct them. 13273 -- Nicolaides 13274% 13275The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. 13276% 13277The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's 13278readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of 13279some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet 13280reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led 13281the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well 13282known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at 13283Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program 13284of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of 13285psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three 13286Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That 13287these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a 13288further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want 13289something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from 13290the Russians. 13291 -- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973 13292% 13293 The STAR WARS Song 13294 Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks: 13295 13296I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah 13297Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda 13298 S-O-D-A soda 13299I saw the little runt sitting there on a log 13300I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda 13301 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 13302 13303Well I've been around but I ain't never seen 13304A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green 13305 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 13306Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand 13307How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand 13308 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 13309% 13310The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub. 13311% 13312The steady state of disks is full. 13313 -- Ken Thompson 13314% 13315 THE STORY OF CREATION 13316 or 13317 THE MYTH OF URK 13318 13319In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null, 13320and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM 13321was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be 13322registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried; 13323and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data 13324Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening 13325and there was morning, one interrupt. 13326 -- Rico Tudor 13327% 13328The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make 13329them unsafe. 13330 -- Mayor Frank Rizzo 13331% 13332The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and 13333is an emerging underachiever. 13334% 13335The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant 13336biology. 13337% 13338"The subspace _W inherits the other 8 properties of _V. And there aren't 13339even any property taxes." 13340 -- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b 13341% 13342The sum of the Universe is zero. 13343% 13344The sun was shining on the sea, 13345Shining with all his might: 13346He did his very best to make 13347The billows smooth and bright -- 13348And this was very odd, because it was 13349The middle of the night. 13350 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 13351% 13352The superfluous is very necessary. 13353 -- Voltaire 13354% 13355The surest protection against temptation is cowardice. 13356 -- Mark Twain 13357% 13358The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed. Our 13359authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon shall be as 13360the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, as 13361the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much 13362radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition 7*7 (49) times as much 13363as the Earth does from the Sun, or 50 times in all. The light we 13364receive from the Moon is one 1/10,000 of the light we receive from the 13365Sun, so we can ignore that ... The radiation falling on Heaven will 13366heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to 13367the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much 13368heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for 13369radiation, (_H/_E)^4 = 50, where _E is the absolute temperature of the 13370earth (-300K), gives _H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell 13371cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the 13372fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which 13373burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means 13374that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 444.6C. We 13375have, then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. 13376 -- From "Applied Optics" vol. 11, A14, 1972 13377% 13378The Third Law of Photography: 13379 If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined 13380 when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of 13381 the dark leaks out. 13382% 13383The Three Laws of Thermodynamics: 13384 13385 (1) You can't get anything without working for it. 13386 (2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even. 13387 (3) You can only break even at absolute zero. 13388% 13389 The Three Major Kind of Tools 13390 13391* Tools for hitting things to make them loose or to tighten them up or 13392 jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a 13393 manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces, 13394 bludgeons, and truncheons.) 13395 13396* Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls) 13397 13398* Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far 13399 greater than the value of any project that could possibly result. 13400 (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses 13401 any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.) 13402 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 13403% 13404The trouble with a kitten is that 13405When it grows up, it's always a cat 13406 -- Ogden Nash. 13407% 13408The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time. 13409% 13410The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate 13411it. 13412 -- Franklin P. Jones 13413% 13414The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing 13415more important to do. 13416% 13417The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody 13418appreciates how difficult it was. 13419% 13420The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths. 13421 -- Ken Kesey 13422% 13423The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie. 13424 -- Lenny Bruce 13425% 13426The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. 13427And vice versa. 13428% 13429The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks 13430Which practically conceal its sex. 13431I think it clever of the turtle 13432In such a fix to be so fertile. 13433 -- Ogden Nash 13434% 13435The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. 13436 -- Harlan Ellison 13437% 13438The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more 13439annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. 13440 -- Oscar Wilde 13441% 13442The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are 13443"100 percent American"... 13444 -- U.S. Army (1945) 13445% 13446The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to 13447everybody and still nobody likes him. 13448 -- Jim Samuels 13449% 13450The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be 13451broken. 13452% 13453The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the 13454combination is locked up in the safe. 13455 -- Peter DeVries 13456% 13457The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie 13458Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is said 13459to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of his 13460decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride." 13461% 13462The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and 13463religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging 13464from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its 13465yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the 13466world put together. 13467 -- Sir Peter Medawar 13468% 13469The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be 13470regarded as a criminal offense. 13471 -- E. W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 13472% 13473The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes 13474the worst cigars. 13475 -- H. L. Mencken 13476% 13477The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid 13478prejudice. 13479 -- Mark Twain 13480% 13481The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. 13482Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts 13483to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to 13484be one of the facts that needs altering. 13485 -- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil" 13486% 13487The voters have spoken, the bastards ... 13488% 13489"The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes, 13490it's just a tired feeling:" 13491% 13492The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth. 13493% 13494"The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity 13495that would be clearly understood." 13496 -- Alexander Haig 13497% 13498The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start 13499with a large fortune. 13500% 13501 THE WOMBAT 13502 13503The wombat lives across the seas, 13504Among the far Antipodes. 13505He may exist on nuts and berries, 13506Or then again, on missionaries; 13507His distant habitat precludes 13508Conclusive knowledge of his moods. 13509But I would not engage the wombat 13510In any form of mortal combat. 13511% 13512The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!! 13513% 13514The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books! 13515% 13516The world is coming to an end. Please log off. 13517% 13518The world's as ugly as sin, 13519And almost as delightful. 13520 -- Frederick Locker-Lampson 13521% 13522The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of 13523four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all 13524the answers. 13525% 13526Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. 13527 13528He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, 13529then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open 13530market. 13531 13532If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should 13533not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself. 13534 13535Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree. 13536Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg. 13537Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower. 13538 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 13539% 13540Then here's to the City of Boston, 13541The town of the cries and the groans. 13542Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks, 13543And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns. 13544 -- Franklin Pierce Adams 13545% 13546 THEORY 13547Into love and out again, 13548 Thus I went and thus I go. 13549Spare your voice, and hold your pen: 13550 Well and bitterly I know 13551All the songs were ever sung, 13552 All the words were ever said; 13553Could it be, when I was young, 13554 Someone dropped me on my head? 13555 -- Dorothy Parker 13556% 13557There *__is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday. 13558% 13559There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, 13560and praiseworthy ... 13561 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 13562% 13563There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own 13564cats. 13565% 13566There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axis 13567are chosen correctly. 13568% 13569There are no games on this system. 13570% 13571There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the 13572existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any 13573marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat 13574engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is 13575obviously impossible. 13576 -- Richard Davisson 13577% 13578There are people so addicted to exaggeration 13579that they can't tell the truth without lying. 13580 -- Josh Billings 13581% 13582There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a 13583vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone. 13584 -- Gloria Steinem 13585% 13586 There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that 13587someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named 13588Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or 13589Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that 13590every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is 13591this? 13592 Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for 13593centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___you 13594can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's 13595forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster 13596-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't 13597even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover 13598why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance. 13599 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 13600% 13601There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both 13602plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; 13603and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, 13604don't we all? 13605% 13606There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells 13607and fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated 13608pools here and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving 13609them parched for wonder. There are also those who believe that if you 13610stick your fingers up your nose and blow, it will increase your 13611intelligence. 13612 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII 13613% 13614There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damn Lies, and Statistics. 13615 -- Benjamin Disraeli 13616% 13617There are three possibilities: 13618Pioneer's solar panel has turned away from the sun; 13619there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or 13620someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor. 13621% 13622There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be 13623offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin 13624a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount 13625of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of 13626affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. 13627When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. 13628Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. 13629 -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior 13630% 13631There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and 13632engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far 13633the more certain. 13634 -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800 13635% 13636There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring 13637the changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many 13638facts. Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next 13639fact; that's science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent 13640Universe controlled by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's 13641Factor; that's engineering. 13642% 13643There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I 13644can't remember. 13645 -- Italo Svevo 13646% 13647There are three ways to get something done: 13648 (1) Do it yourself. 13649 (2) Hire someone to do it for you. 13650 (3) Forbid your kids to do it. 13651% 13652There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire 13653someone, or forbid your kids to do it. 13654% 13655There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is 13656one of them. 13657% 13658There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect 13659the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the 13660sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too. 13661 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 13662% 13663There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good 13664sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. 13665 -- Woody Allen 13666% 13667"There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to 13668make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the 13669other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious 13670deficiencies." 13671 -- C. A. R. Hoare 13672% 13673There are two ways of disliking poetry: one way is to dislike it, the 13674other is to read Pope. 13675 -- Oscar Wilde 13676% 13677There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one 13678works. 13679% 13680There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a 13681suitable application of high explosives. 13682% 13683There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule. 13684 -- R. W. Gerard 13685% 13686There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. 13687 -- Henry Kissinger 13688% 13689There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than 10 men or fewer 13690than 100. 13691 -- Steele's Law 13692% 13693There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know 13694nothing about. 13695% 13696There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an 13697opinion. 13698 -- Anatole France 13699% 13700There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of 13701paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write. 13702% 13703There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder. 13704% 13705There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs 13706tied during the month of April. 13707% 13708There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish. 13709 -- Walt Disney 13710% 13711There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, 13712Honesty, Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and 13713love of the Fatherland. 13714 -- Adolf Hitler 13715% 13716There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly 13717what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly 13718disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and 13719inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has 13720already happened. 13721 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 13722% 13723There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a 13724vacuum. 13725 -- Arthur C. Clarke 13726% 13727There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. 13728 -- Mark Twain 13729% 13730There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the 13731tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not 13732abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and 13733war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, 13734of course. 13735 -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed. 13736% 13737There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home. 13738 -- Ken Olson, President of DEC, World Future Society 13739 Convention, 1977 13740% 13741There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it. 13742 -- G. B. Shaw 13743% 13744There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast 13745reflexes. 13746% 13747There is no such thing as fortune. Try again. 13748% 13749There is no time like the pleasant. 13750% 13751There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be 13752doing. 13753% 13754There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY. 13755There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS. I'm very probably wrong. 13756% 13757"There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," 13758said a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. 13759 "And yet just a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar 13760with an unanswerable question," said Nasrudin. 13761 "I could have answered it if I had been there." 13762 "Very well. He asked, `Why are you breaking into my house in 13763the middle of the night?'" 13764% 13765There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the 13766ocean level wouldn't cure. 13767 -- Ross MacDonald 13768% 13769There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and 13770that is not being talked about. 13771 -- Oscar Wilde 13772% 13773There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale 13774returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. 13775 -- Mark Twain 13776% 13777There once was a girl named Irene 13778Who lived on distilled kerosene 13779 But she started absorbin' 13780 A new hydrocarbon 13781And since then has never benzene. 13782% 13783There once was a member of Mensa 13784Who was a most excellent fencer. 13785 The sword that he used 13786 Was his -- (line is refused, 13787And has now been removed by the censor). 13788% 13789There once was an old man from Esser, 13790Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser. 13791 It at last grew so small, 13792 He knew nothing at all, 13793And now he's a College Professor. 13794% 13795There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it. 13796 -- C. S. Lewis, The Chronicles of Narnia 13797% 13798There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were 13799left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley. 13800Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they 13801started debating who should be allowed to stay. 13802 13803The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all 13804over the world, the President explained that if he died then America 13805would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley 13806said, "Look! We're not solving anything like this! The only fair 13807thing to do is to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 13808votes. 13809% 13810There was a young lady from Hyde 13811Who ate a green apple and died. 13812 While her lover lamented 13813 The apple fermented 13814And made cider inside her inside. 13815% 13816There was a young man who said "God, 13817I find it exceedingly odd, 13818 That the willow oak tree 13819 Continues to be, 13820When there's no one about in the Quad." 13821 13822"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd, 13823For I'm always about in the Quad; 13824 And that's why the tree, 13825 Continues to be," 13826Signed "Yours faithfully, God." 13827% 13828There was a young poet named Dan, 13829Whose poetry never would scan. 13830 When told this was so, 13831 He said, "Yes, I know. 13832% 13833There was a young poet named Dan, 13834Whose poetry never would scan. 13835 When told this was so, 13836 He said, "Yes, I know. 13837It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can." 13838% 13839"There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: 13840both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to 13841talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him 13842during the trial." 13843 -- David Letterman 13844% 13845There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of 13846the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double- 13847digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 138488-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the 13849transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity 13850stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative 13851feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching 13852systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the 13853first electrical digital computer, and the first communications 13854satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the 13855telephone business? 13856% 13857There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not 13858a fence. 13859% 13860There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. 13861% 13862There's little in taking or giving, 13863 There's little in water or wine: 13864This living, this living, this living, 13865 Was never a project of mine. 13866Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is 13867 The gain of the one at the top, 13868For art is a form of catharsis, 13869 And love is a permanent flop, 13870And work is the province of cattle, 13871 And rest's for a clam in a shell, 13872So I'm thinking of throwing the battle -- 13873 Would you kindly direct me to hell? 13874 -- Dorothy Parker 13875% 13876There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our 13877whole lives, win, lose, or draw. 13878 -- Walt Kelly 13879% 13880There's no future in time travel. 13881% 13882There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. 13883 -- Dr. Who 13884% 13885There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get 13886any worse. 13887% 13888There's no room in the drug world for amateurs. 13889% 13890There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government 13891working for you. 13892 -- Will Rodgers 13893% 13894There's nothing in the middle of the road but a yellow stripe and dead 13895armadillos. 13896 -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner 13897% 13898There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't 13899aggravate. 13900% 13901There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn 13902what it is I'll get married again. 13903 -- Clint Eastwood 13904% 13905There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is 13906becoming an endangered synthetic. 13907 -- Lily Tomlin 13908% 13909"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!" 13910"These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!" 13911"These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP 13912out of MEGATON MAN!" 13913% 13914These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they 13915used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink. 13916% 13917They also surf who only stand on waves. 13918% 13919They make a desert and call it peace. 13920 -- Tacitus (55?-120?) 13921% 13922They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners 13923always spell better than they pronounce. 13924 -- Mark Twain 13925% 13926They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary 13927safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. 13928 -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759 13929% 13930They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them! 13931% 13932They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results 13933 About a month before. Their hair began to curl 13934The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it 13935 But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL. 13936 13937He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this 13938 To pass where they had failed For it must ever be 13939And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest 13940 The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me. 13941 13942My notion was to start again 13943 Ignoring all they'd done 13944We quickly turned it into code 13945 To see if it would run. 13946% 13947They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid! 13948% 13949They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult to like. 13950 -- Avon 13951% 13952Things are more like they used to be than they are now. 13953% 13954Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face. 13955% 13956Think big. Pollute the Mississippi. 13957% 13958Think honk if you're a telepath. 13959% 13960Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.! 13961% 13962Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer 13963crashes. 13964% 13965Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click". 13966% 13967"Thirty days hath Septober, 13968April, June, and no wonder. 13969all the rest have peanut butter 13970except my father who wears red suspenders." 13971% 13972This Fortune Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14 13973% 13974This fortune cookie program is out of order. For those in desperate need, 13975please use the program "________randchar". This program generates random 13976characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with 13977something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be 13978more profound than THIS program has ever been. 13979% 13980This fortune intentionally not included. 13981% 13982This fortune is false. 13983% 13984This fortune is inoperative. Please try another. 13985% 13986This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, 13987regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys... 13988% 13989This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT DOG. 13990 -- Bob Violence 13991% 13992This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an 13993actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you? 13994% 13995This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, 13996because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under 13997which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has 13998"deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the 13999consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any 14000rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for 14001oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill 14002Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers 14003over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These 14004innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been 14005passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with 14006amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do 14007apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark, 14008and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out. 14009 -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations" 14010% 14011This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement. 14012% 14013This is for all ill-treated fellows 14014 Unborn and unbegot, 14015For them to read when they're in trouble 14016 And I am not. 14017 -- A. E. Housman 14018% 14019"This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back 14020to one." 14021 -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351 14022% 14023This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week. 14024% 14025THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM 14026 14027If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your 14028contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue 14029without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are 14030contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We 14031can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money 14032for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the 14033difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight 14034and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to 14035"fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before 14036you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. 14037Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute 1403830 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The 14039Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or 14040more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug .... 14041% 14042This is the ____LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury! 14043% 14044This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the 14045power of computers: 14046 14047Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct 14048the thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a 14049minimum level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The 14050results are that one should eat each day: 14051 14052 1/2 chicken 14053 1 egg 14054 1 glass of skim milk 14055 27 heads of lettuce. 14056 -- Rev. Adrian Melott 14057% 14058This is the story of the bee 14059Whose sex is very hard to see 14060 14061You cannot tell the he from the she 14062But she can tell, and so can he 14063 14064The little bee is never still 14065She has no time to take the pill 14066 14067And that is why, in times like these 14068There are so many sons of bees. 14069% 14070This is your fortune. 14071% 14072This land is full of trousers! 14073this land is full of mausers! 14074 And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down! 14075 -- Firesign Theater 14076% 14077This land is made of mountains, 14078This land is made of mud, 14079This land has lots of everything, 14080For me and Elmer Fudd. 14081 14082This land has lots of trousers, 14083This land has lots of mousers, 14084And pussycats to eat them 14085When the sun goes down. 14086% 14087This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life, 14088you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where 14089to go. 14090% 14091This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88 14092% 14093This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with 14094great force. 14095 -- Dorothy Parker 14096% 14097This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of 14098the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many 14099solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were 14100largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, 14101which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of 14102paper that were unhappy. 14103 -- Douglas Adams 14104% 14105This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does 14106something child-like. 14107 -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454 14108% 14109This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland 14110student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87. 14111 14112 One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use 14113 Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one 14114 computer language to another and has a built-in editing system 14115 which identifies errors in the original program. 14116% 14117This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't. 14118 -- Hofstadter 14119% 14120... This striving for excellence extends into people's personal lives 14121as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as 14122determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. Eighties people 14123buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking soda. If an '80s 14124couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three 14125weeks in advance, and they are informed that their table is available, 14126they stalk out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent 14127restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous crowd of 14128excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their beepers going 14129off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant wouldn't have 14130a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli. 14131 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 14132% 14133This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it. 14134% 14135 Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire 14136rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better 14137than he does. 14138 As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about 14139it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily 14140sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we 14141consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is 14142being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians. 14143 The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can 14144do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his 14145honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can 14146be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public 14147relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter 14148Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes. 14149This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease. 14150 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt 14151 from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear 14152 and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72" 14153% 14154Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those 14155of us who do. 14156% 14157Those who can't write, write manuals. 14158% 14159Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate. 14160% 14161Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics. 14162 -- French Proverb 14163% 14164Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. 14165 -- Henry Spencer 14166% 14167Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, 14168for these only gave life, those the art of living well. 14169 -- Aristotle 14170% 14171Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often 14172surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law. 14173 -- Mark B. Cohen 14174% 14175Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. 14176% 14177Those who make peaceful revolution impossible 14178will make violent revolution inevitable. 14179 -- John F. Kennedy 14180% 14181Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet deprecate agitation, are 14182men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean 14183without the roar of its many waters. 14184 -- Frederick Douglass 14185% 14186Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are 14187the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with 14188Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether -- 14189whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A 14190fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any 14191more about the matter than the others. 14192 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 14193% 14194Time flies like an arrow 14195Fruit flies like a banana 14196% 14197Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana. 14198% 14199Time is an illusion; lunchtime, doubly so. 14200 -- Ford Prefect 14201% 14202Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at 14203once. 14204% 14205'Tis the dream of each programmer, 14206Before his life is done, 14207To write three lines of APL, 14208And make the damn things run. 14209% 14210 (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along") 14211Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug 14212Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug 14213And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. 14214Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all, 14215Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall 14216And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. 14217And we've also found Just flip one switch 14218When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch 14219You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble 14220 in a flash. 14221Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU 14222Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo," 14223And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash. 14224% 14225 To A Quick Young Fox: 14226Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp, 14227Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice? 14228Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp -- 14229Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice. 14230 -- Lazy Dog 14231% 14232To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. 14233% 14234To be is to do. 14235 -- I. Kant 14236To do is to be. 14237 -- A. Sartre 14238Yabba-Dabba-Doo! 14239 -- F. Flintstone 14240% 14241"To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore 14242this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to 14243offer in response is based on information available to make no such 14244statement." 14245% 14246To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, 14247call it the target. 14248% 14249To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy. 14250% 14251To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System. 14252% 14253To err is human, to moo bovine. 14254% 14255To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D. 14256 -- B. Duggan 14257% 14258To generalize is to be an idiot. 14259 -- William Blake 14260% 14261To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three 14262men, two of them absent. 14263% 14264To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. 14265 -- Thomas Edison 14266% 14267To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. 14268 -- Robert Heller 14269% 14270To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall. 14271% 14272To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide 14273a test load. 14274% 14275To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional 14276system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy, 14277inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence: 14278precision and flexibility may be just as dysfunctional in novel, 14279uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar, 14280well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures 14281of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very 14282secure ecological niche. 14283 -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers" 14284% 14285To understand this important story, you have to understand how the 14286telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local 14287computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is 14288in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the 14289lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan. 14290 14291Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it 14292suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the 14293computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the 14294one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe 14295break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid 14296incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse, 14297an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca 14298pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's 14299loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen 14300and drink gin and laugh themselves silly. 14301 -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own 14302 Phones?" 14303% 14304To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it? 14305% 14306To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition. 14307 -- Woody Allen 14308% 14309Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official. 14310% 14311Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day. 14312% 14313Today is the first day of the rest of the mess. 14314% 14315Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage. 14316% 14317Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. 14318% 14319Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? 14320 14321And where does it go after it leaves the toaster? 14322 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 14323% 14324Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new 14325cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more 14326spectacular adventure starring ... Tippy, the Wonder Dog! 14327 -- Bob & Ray 14328% 14329Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word 14330except in major motion pictures. 14331 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 14332% 14333Toilet Toupée, n.: 14334 Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus 14335 creating endless annoyance to male users. 14336 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 14337% 14338Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest. 14339% 14340Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree. 14341% 14342Too clever is dumb. 14343 -- Ogden Nash 14344% 14345Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. 14346 -- Mae West 14347% 14348Too much of everything is just enough. 14349 -- Bob Wier 14350% 14351Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available 14352briefcases. 14353 -- Governor Jerry Brown 14354% 14355Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the 14356earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century. 14357As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help. 14358Please... 14359 14360 CONSERVE GRAVITY 14361 14362Follow these simple suggestions: 14363 14364(1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible. 14365(2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights. 14366(3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like 14367 curling. 14368(4) Avoid showers ... take baths instead. 14369(5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big 14370 pile. 14371(6) Stop flipping pancakes 14372% 14373Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow. 14374% 14375Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live 14376in eucalyptus trees. 14377% 14378Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence. 14379 -- Henrik Tikkanen 14380% 14381Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it. 14382 -- Mark Twain 14383% 14384Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) 14385% 14386Truthful, adj.: 14387 Dumb and illiterate. 14388 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 14389% 14390Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational. 14391 -- Charles Schulz 14392% 14393Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good. 14394% 14395Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, 14396is it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written 14397in four tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and 14398pretense. Watch for novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), 14399defined by the imperfect past, the insufficient present, and the 14400absolutely perfect future. 14401 -- Amrom Katz 14402% 14403Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. 14404% 14405Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only 14406specification is that it should run noiselessly. 14407% 14408Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth. 14409 -- Alan Watts 14410% 14411Trying to establish voice contact ... please ____yell into keyboard. 14412% 14413Turnaucka's Law: 14414 The attention span of a computer is only as long as its 14415 electrical cord. 14416% 14417Tussman's Law: 14418 Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. 14419% 14420TV is chewing gum for the eyes. 14421 -- Frank Lloyd Wright 14422% 14423'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks 14424Did gyre and gimble in their cave 14425All mimsy was the CS-VAX 14426And Cory raths outgrabe. 14427 14428"Beware the software rot, my son! 14429The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash! 14430Beware the broken pipe, and shun 14431The frumious system crash!" 14432% 14433 'Twas the Night before Crisis 14434 14435'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house, 14436 Not a program was working not even a browse. 14437The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care, 14438 Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer. 14439The users were nestled all snug in their beds, 14440 While visions of inquiries danced in their heads. 14441When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter, 14442 I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter. 14443And what to my wondering eyes should appear, 14444 But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear. 14445More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, 14446 And he whistled and shouted and called them by name; 14447On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! 14448 On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete! 14449His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean, 14450 From Weekends and nights in front of a screen. 14451A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, 14452 Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread... 14453% 14454'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period 14455 preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And 14456 throughout our place of residence, 14457Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the 14458 possessors of this potential, including that 14459 species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. 14460Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward 14461 edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus, 14462Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an 14463 imminent visitation from an eccentric 14464 philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations 14465 is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ... 14466% 14467Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing. 14468 -- Walt Kelly 14469% 14470Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. 14471 -- Howard Kandel 14472% 14473Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man 14474said, "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The 14475second man said, "He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his 14476chambers, and spent an hour trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded 14477only in falling over and bruising his forehead. Returning to the 14478courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine the man whose ear was bitten. 14479If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself and the case is 14480dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man did it and 14481must pay three silver pieces." 14482% 14483Two percent of zero is almost nothing. 14484% 14485Two sure ways to tell a sexy male; the first is, he has a bad memory. 14486I forget the second. 14487% 14488Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do. 14489% 14490U: There's a U -- a Unicorn! 14491 Run right up and rub its horn. 14492 Look at all those points you're losing! 14493 UMBER HULKS are so confusing. 14494 -- The Roguelet's ABC 14495% 14496"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex." 14497 14498(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.) 14499 -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971) 14500% 14501UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist. 14502% 14503"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?" 14504 14505"It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food, 14506right?" 14507 -- MacNelley, "Shoe" 14508% 14509Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: 14510 Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a 14511 hammer or get a splinter in it. 14512% 14513Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a 14514just man is also a prison. 14515 -- Henry David Thoreau 14516% 14517Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a 14518just man is also in prison. 14519 -- Henry David Thoreau 14520% 14521Under deadline pressure for the next week. If you want something, it 14522can wait. Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ... 14523% 14524Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: 14525 Superiority is recessive. 14526% 14527Unfair animal names: 14528 14529-- tsetse fly -- bullhead 14530-- booby -- duck-billed platypus 14531-- sapsucker -- Clarence 14532 -- Gary Larson 14533% 14534United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the 14535Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of 14536all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of 14537all the patriots of every persuasion. 14538 14539Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the 14540world. 14541 -- Isaac Asimov 14542% 14543Universe, n.: 14544 The problem. 14545% 14546University, n.: 14547 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's 14548 usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell 14549 you how to fix it, and ... 14550% 14551unix soit qui mal y pense 14552% 14553UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on 14554Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch). 14555 -- Andy Tannenbaum 14556% 14557Unnamed Law: 14558 If it happens, it must be possible. 14559% 14560Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out 14561twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. 14562 -- H. L. Mencken 14563% 14564Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir 14565% 14566User n.: 14567 A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. 14568% 14569USER, n.: 14570 The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." 14571 -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top" 14572% 14573Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach. 14574 -- S. C. Johnson 14575% 14576Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, 14577opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none. 14578 -- Doug Larson 14579% 14580Vail's Second Axiom: 14581 The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the 14582 amount of work already completed. 14583% 14584Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ... 14585Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ... 14586 -- Tom Chapin 14587% 14588Van Roy's Law: 14589 An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 14590% 14591Vanilla, adj.: 14592 Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food, 14593very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla 14594extract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply 14595"vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot 14596and sour won ton soup. 14597% 14598Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: 14599 (1) If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only 14600 once. 14601 (2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data 14602 points. 14603% 14604Veni, Vidi, Visa. 14605% 14606 "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past 14607year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley 14608reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their 14609artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue 14610moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon 14611Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the 14612entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the 14613sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips." 14614 14615 "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. 14616 14617 "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made 14618good copy." 14619 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 14620% 14621Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters. 14622% 14623Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life." 14624Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes 14625 waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it." 14626% 14627Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. 14628 -- Salvor Hardin 14629% 14630Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the 14631yard. 14632% 14633VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) 14634 Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to 14635 ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this 14636 morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you 14637 wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of 14638 that old underwear you own. 14639% 14640VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) 14641 You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is 14642 sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and 14643 sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus 14644 drivers. 14645% 14646"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from. 14647% 14648Virtue is its own punishment. 14649% 14650Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving 14651from where you left them to where you can't find them. 14652% 14653Vitamin C deficiency is apauling. 14654% 14655VMS is like a nightmare about RSX-11M. 14656% 14657Vote anarchist. 14658% 14659Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and 14660TAX-DEFERRED! 14661% 14662VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES? 14663% 14664 14665 *** System shutdown message from root *** 14666 14667System going down in 60 seconds 14668 14669 14670% 14671"Wagner's music is better than it sounds." 14672 -- Mark Twain 14673% 14674Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" 146751st customer: "I'll have tea." 146762nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!" 14677 (Waiter exits, returns) 14678Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?" 14679% 14680Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser. 14681% 14682War hath no fury like a non-combatant. 14683 -- Charles Edward Montague 14684% 14685War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable. 14686% 14687 WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: 14688 14689Firings will continue until morale improves. 14690% 14691WARNING: 14692 Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your 14693 mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth 14694 of hair on your palms, and make a difference in the outcome 14695 of your favorite war. 14696% 14697Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for 14698those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking 14699up. 14700 -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83 14701% 14702Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with. 14703% 14704Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. 14705 -- John F. Kennedy 14706% 14707Waste not, get your budget cut next year. 14708% 14709Wasting time is an important part of living. 14710% 14711Watson's Law: 14712 The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the 14713 number and significance of any persons watching it. 14714% 14715We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which 14716divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being 14717correct. My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough. 14718 -- Niels Bohr 14719% 14720We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. 14721 -- Oscar Wilde 14722% 14723We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm. 14724 -- Winston Churchill 14725% 14726We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. 14727 -- Whole Earth Catalog 14728% 14729We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. 14730 -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo" 14731% 14732We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to 14733socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The 14734bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say 14735socialism? 14736 -- Fidel Castro 14737% 14738We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last 14739theorem. 14740 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 14741% 14742We are upping our standards ... so up yours. 14743 -- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988. 14744% 14745We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved. 14746% 14747We can predict everything, except the future. 14748% 14749We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is 14750deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead. 14751 -- James E. Day, Postmaster General 14752% 14753We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty! 14754 -- Vroomfondel 14755% 14756"We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company." 14757% 14758We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a 14759fish. 14760% 14761We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the 14762hardware, but we can *___see* the blinking lights! 14763% 14764We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids? 14765 -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission 14766% 14767We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an 14768hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down 14769mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on 14770our grave singing Hallelujah ... 14771 -- Monty Python 14772% 14773We have met the enemy, and he is us. 14774 -- Walt Kelly 14775% 14776We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get 14777back to normal, and that they already have. 14778% 14779We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his 14780hands for masturbation. 14781 -- Lily Tomlin 14782% 14783We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an 14784official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death 14785Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish 14786you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that 14787said "ELECTROCUTION". 14788 14789Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your 14790teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing 14791process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a 14792couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways 14793out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste 14794stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom 14795floor, which is how the police would find you. 14796 14797You know the kind of flu I'm talking about. 14798 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" 14799% 14800We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all 14801purely intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start 14802with? Many people think that a very abstract activity, like the 14803playing of chess, would be best. It can also be maintained that it is 14804best to provide the machine with the best sense organs that money can 14805buy, and then teach it to understand and speak English. 14806 -- Alan M. Turing 14807% 14808We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always 14809respect their good judgment. 14810% 14811We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass 14812no matter how self-seeking. 14813 -- F. G. Withington 14814% 14815We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago 14816people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult. 14817For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had 14818to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare 14819fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with 14820primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how 14821ugly paneling is to begin with. 14822 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 14823% 14824We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best 14825friends are trying to kill us. 14826% 14827 We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. 14828But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle 14829Haggard song at a French restaurant. ... 14830 I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of 14831her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I 14832had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone 14833told him, "You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was 14834lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he 14835fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing 14836what men must do. ... 14837 "Stop the car," the girl said. There was a look of terrible 14838sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew 14839not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a 14840quiet and peace I will never forget. 14841 "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the 14842tollway belle's for thee." 14843 The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was 14844a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I 14845poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day. 14846 -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway 14847 Competition 14848% 14849We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one 14850technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter. 14851% 14852we will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love, 14853we will cry over things we used to laugh & 14854our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentile 14855creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then & 14856in the end a summer with wild winds & 14857new friends will be. 14858% 14859We wish you a Hare Krishna 14860We wish you a Hare Krishna 14861We wish you a Hare Krishna 14862And a Sun Myung Moon! 14863 -- Maxwell Smart 14864% 14865We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later. 14866% 14867We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from 14868the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging 14869you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right 14870in his bowl full of jelly. 14871 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" 14872% 14873We're only in it for the volume. 14874 -- Black Sabbath 14875% 14876We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center 14877of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week, 14878but for some reason nobody's ever done it. 14879 -- Andy Rooney 14880% 14881Weiler's Law: 14882 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it 14883 himself. 14884% 14885Weinberg's First Law: 14886 Progress is made on alternate Fridays. 14887% 14888Weinberg's Principle: 14889 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while 14890 sweeping on to the grand fallacy. 14891% 14892Weinberg's Second Law: 14893 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, 14894 then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. 14895% 14896Weiner's Law of Libraries: 14897 There are no answers, only cross references. 14898% 14899Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. He'll come in handy if 14900you run out of food. 14901 -- Dean McLaughlin. 14902% 14903Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a 14904lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a 14905governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the 14906reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top 14907contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination. These men 14908will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the 14909most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and 14910appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday 14911morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit 14912interested in. It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a 14913guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through 14914the entire show without answering a single question ... 14915 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" 14916% 14917Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them 14918back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds, 14919or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they 14920they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off. 14921 -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile 14922% 14923Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can* 14924you believe?! 14925 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward] 14926% 14927Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail, 14928 And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail; 14929I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues, 14930 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 14931 14932If you think that it's nice that you get what you C, 14933 Then go : illogical statement with your whole family, 14934'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views. 14935 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 14936 14937On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze, 14938 But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze. 14939Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse, 14940 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 14941 -- Core Dumped Blues 14942% 14943"Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?" 14944 14945"Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ... 14946coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero." 14947 -- Dr. Who 14948% 14949"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is 14950no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five 14951hundred." 14952 -- The Mahabharata. 14953% 14954Westheimer's Discovery: 14955 A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a 14956 couple of hours in the library. 14957% 14958Wethern's Law: 14959 Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. 14960% 14961"What are we going to do?" 14962 14963"Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking for 14964something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a 14965short initiation period." 14966% 14967"What are you doing?" 14968 14969"Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something 14970that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short 14971initiation period." 14972% 14973What color is a chameleon on a mirror? 14974% 14975 "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty 14976teenager asked her mother. 14977 "Encouragement, dear," she replied. 14978% 14979What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"? 14980% 14981What does it mean if there is no fortune for you? 14982% 14983What garlic is to food, insanity is to art. 14984% 14985What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. 14986% 14987"What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so 14988that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our 14989country. Nice try anyway, George." 14990 -- D.J. on KSFO/KYA 14991% 14992What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the 14993entrance? 14994% 14995What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow 14996in his footsteps? 14997% 14998What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower 14999stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed 15000barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character 15001from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of 15002while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our 15003dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up 15004powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the 15005bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any 15006one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact 15007lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where 15008you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah", 15009if you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with 15010that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it; 15011they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to 15012flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them. 15013 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" 15014% 15015What I tell you three times is true. 15016 -- Lewis Carroll 15017% 15018"What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty- 15019sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up 15020with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always 15021came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at 15022parties. 15023 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 15024% 15025What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility. 15026% 15027What I've done, of course, is total garbage. 15028 -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a 15029% 15030What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I 15031definitely overpaid for my carpet. 15032 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 15033% 15034What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's 15035worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? 15036 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 15037% 15038What is a magician but a practising theorist? 15039 -- Obi-Wan Kenobi 15040% 15041What is mind? No matter. 15042What is matter? Never mind. 15043 -- Thomas Hewitt Key, 1799-1875 15044% 15045What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern 15046computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest 15047and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak. 15048% 15049"What is the Nature of God?" 15050 15051 CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!= 15052 1 QT. SOUR CREAM 15053 1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT 15054 1/2 CUT CHIVES. 15055 STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS. 15056 15057"I've just GOT to start labeling my software..." 15058 -- Bloom County 15059% 15060What is the robbing of a bank compared to the FOUNDING of a bank? 15061 -- Bertolt Brecht 15062% 15063What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, 15064which is the exact opposite. 15065 -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928 15066% 15067What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do. 15068% 15069What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing 15070to compare it with. 15071% 15072What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism. 15073It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books 15074and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes 15075and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: "Yes, 15076women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate 15077mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige 15078and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort." 15079 -- Susan Gordon 15080% 15081What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? 15082 -- Ursula K. LeGuin 15083% 15084What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket. 15085% 15086What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away. 15087% 15088What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener. 15089% 15090What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent 15091bagel. 15092% 15093What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. 15094% 15095What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING! 15096% 15097What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer. 15098% 15099What this country needs is a good five cent nickel. 15100% 15101What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon. 15102% 15103What this world needs is a good five-dollar plasma weapon. 15104% 15105What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn? 15106 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" 15107% 15108What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which 15109nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday 15110Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space- 15111launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just 15112remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual 15113process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still 15114be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed. 15115 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 15116% 15117What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it. 15118% 15119What's another word for "thesaurus"? 15120 -- Steven Wright 15121% 15122 "What's that thing?" 15123 "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in 15124computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what 15125it does. We call it a two-by-four." 15126 -- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe" 15127% 15128What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it? 15129 -- Dr. Who 15130% 15131Whatever became of eternal truth? 15132% 15133Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for 15134cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils 15135as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding 15136hundred dollar bills." 15137 -- Herb Caen 15138% 15139Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not 15140nailed down. 15141 -- Collis P. Huntingdon 15142% 15143Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not 15144cockroaches! 15145 -- Mom 15146% 15147When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the 15148money is. 15149 -- Robespierre 15150% 15151When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the 15152thing," it's the money. 15153 -- Kim Hubbard 15154% 15155When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half 15156loop? 15157% 15158When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is 15159not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space 15160travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. 15161 -- Robert Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love" 15162% 15163When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the 15164sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain 15165relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. 15166 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 15167% 15168When all other means of communication fail, try words. 15169% 15170When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo 15171tactics *with* Gestapo tactics? 15172 -- Reuben Flagg 15173% 15174When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before 15175the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours." 15176 -- Vine Deloria, Jr. 15177% 15178When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? 15179Well, last year, I think it was a Tuesday. 15180% 15181When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to 15182guarantee them. 15183% 15184When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great 15185parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if 15186I'm leaving. 15187 -- Steven Wright 15188% 15189When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a 15190year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire 15191winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. 15192 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 15193% 15194When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young 15195ladies, and, of course, the goat. 15196% 15197When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. 15198Now I'm beginning to believe it. 15199 -- Clarence Darrow 15200% 15201When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you 15202take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come 15203and get you." 15204 -- Jerry Lewis 15205% 15206When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any 15207firearms with me. I said, `Well, what do you need?' 15208 -- Steven Wright 15209% 15210When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: 15211I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me. 15212 -- Woody Allen 15213% 15214When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an 15215act of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A 15216group of seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a 15217six-year-old. "It is always so," my mother said. "You do things 15218together which not one of you would think of doing alone." ... 15219Wherever one looks in the world of human organization, collective 15220responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards. The military 15221establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems to have 15222been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things 15223together which nobody in his right mind would do alone. 15224 -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope" 15225% 15226When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened 15227or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I 15228cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to 15229go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. 15230 -- Mark Twain 15231% 15232When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess. 15233% 15234When in doubt, tell the truth. 15235 -- Mark Twain 15236% 15237When in doubt, use brute force. 15238 -- Ken Thompson 15239% 15240When in panic, fear and doubt, 15241Drink in barrels, eat, and shout. 15242% 15243When love is gone, there's always justice. 15244And when justice is gone, there's always force. 15245And when force is gone, there's always Mom. 15246Hi, Mom! 15247 -- Laurie Anderson 15248% 15249When Marriage is Outlawed, 15250Only Outlaws will have Inlaws. 15251% 15252When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment 15253results. 15254 -- Calvin Coolidge 15255% 15256When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony 15257concerts, she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- 15258and I find I mind it less and less." 15259 -- Louise Andrews Kent 15260% 15261When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: 15262for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when 15263your boss is away and you get twice as much done. 15264 -- Daniel B. Luten 15265% 15266When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only 15267say what I wish done," give him a lollipop. 15268% 15269When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical 15270 -- Jon Carroll 15271% 15272When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you 15273modify the problem, not the remedy. 15274% 15275When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, 15276the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a 15277nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____that. 15278 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 15279% 15280When the speaker and he to whom he is speaks do not understand, that is 15281metaphysics. 15282 -- Voltaire 15283% 15284When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the 15285stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them 15286from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones 15287were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the 15288corners as bodies of a lower grade ... 15289 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 15290% 15291When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the 15292plane will fly. 15293 -- Donald Douglas 15294% 15295When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most 15296insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are 15297required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and 15298exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. 15299 -- George Bernard Shaw 15300% 15301When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that 15302virtue is not hereditary. 15303 -- Thomas Paine 15304% 15305When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before -- 15306except our fingertips will have been singed. 15307 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 15308% 15309When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of 15310investigation of a topic, it is well to have the answer firmly in hand, 15311so that you can proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or 15312swayed, directly to the goal. 15313 -- Amrom Katz 15314% 15315When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut. 15316% 15317When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly. 15318% 15319When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship. 15320 -- Harry Truman 15321% 15322 When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure 15323clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer 15324to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively. 15325 In a way, the next move is up to him. 15326 -- R. A. Lafferty 15327% 15328When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite. 15329 -- Winston Churchill, On formal declarations of war 15330% 15331When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by 15332asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't 15333know the answer either. 15334 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 15335% 15336When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. 15337 -- The Wall Street Journal 15338% 15339When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the 15340impression you will make. 15341% 15342When you're away, I'm restless, lonely, 15343Wretched, bored, dejected; only 15344Here's the rub, my darling dear 15345I feel the same when you are near. 15346 -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "When You're Away" 15347% 15348When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN. 15349% 15350Whenever anyone says, "theoretically", they really mean, "not really". 15351 -- Dave Parnas 15352% 15353Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to 15354see it tried on him personally. 15355 -- A. Lincoln 15356% 15357Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. 15358 -- Oscar Wilde 15359% 15360Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last 15361you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his 15362Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. 15363 -- Mark Twain 15364 "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court" 15365% 15366Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, 15367it is time to reform. 15368 -- Mark Twain 15369% 15370WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE 15371 15372 Oh, dear, where can the matter be 15373 When it's converted to energy? 15374 There is a slight loss of parity. 15375 Johnny's so long at the fair. 15376% 15377Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what 15378is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. 15379 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 15380% 15381Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax. 15382% 15383Whether you can hear it or not 15384The Universe is laughing behind your back 15385 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 15386% 15387Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares? 15388% 15389While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is 15390admission to someone else. 15391% 15392While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, 15393The fate of empires and the fall of kings; 15394While quacks of State must each produce his plan, 15395And even children lisp the Rights of Man; 15396Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, 15397The Rights of Woman merit some attention. 15398 -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", 15399 November 26, 1792 15400% 15401While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several. 15402% 15403While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't 15404keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove. 15405 -- Edward Stevenson 15406% 15407While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own 15408form of misery. 15409% 15410While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position. 15411% 15412While most peoples' opinions change, 15413the conviction of their correctness never does. 15414% 15415While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very 15416reassuring to know that it's still there. 15417% 15418While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are 15419safe, for you can watch both of his. 15420 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15421% 15422Whistler's Law: 15423 You never know who is right, but you always know who is in 15424 charge. 15425% 15426"Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new 15427Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ..." 15428% 15429Who made the world I cannot tell; 15430'Tis made, and here am I in hell. 15431My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, 15432I never soiled with such a deed. 15433 -- A. E. Housman 15434% 15435Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot? 15436% 15437Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink? 15438% 15439Who's on first? 15440% 15441"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school. 15442 -- George Ade 15443% 15444Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad. 15445% 15446Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising. 15447% 15448Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like "Amadeus"? I could 15449have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing. 15450 -- Ian Shoales 15451% 15452Why be a man when you can be a success? 15453 -- Bertolt Brecht 15454% 15455Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we 15456have? 15457% 15458Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else? 15459% 15460Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to 15461avoid responsibility with? 15462% 15463Why did the Roman Empire collapse? 15464What is the Latin for office automation? 15465% 15466Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with. 15467% 15468Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently 15469there must be a beverage. 15470 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 15471% 15472Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have 15473more lawyers? 15474 15475New Jersey had first choice. 15476% 15477Why don't elephants eat penguins ? 15478 15479Because they can't get the wrappers off ... 15480% 15481Why I Can't Go Out With You: 15482 15483I'd LOVE to, but ... 15484 -- I have to floss my cat. 15485 -- I've dedicated my life to linguini. 15486 -- I need to spend more time with my blender. 15487 -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. 15488 -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish. 15489 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves. 15490 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. 15491 -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise. 15492 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist. 15493 -- I have some really hard words to look up. 15494 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting. 15495 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps. 15496% 15497Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is 15498because we are not the person involved. 15499 -- Mark Twain 15500% 15501Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 15502 -- Stephen Wright 15503% 15504Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? 15505 -- Lily Tomlin 15506% 15507Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love 15508you knowing nothing? 15509 -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions 15510% 15511Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year? 15512Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your 15513children open their old-fashioned presents. 15514 15515Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?" 15516 15517You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it 15518 falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!" 15519 15520Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer 15521 with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory, 15522 and I get this cretin TOP?" 15523 15524Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this." 15525 15526You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!" 15527 15528Daughter: "It looks like goat barf." 15529 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" 15530% 15531Why was I born with such contemporaries? 15532 -- Oscar Wilde 15533% 15534Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office: 15535 No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee, 15536when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your 15537direction, and almost none will be returned to the source. 15538 -- John L. Shelton 15539% 15540Wiker's Law: 15541 Government expands to absorb revenue and then some. 15542% 15543 William Safire's Rules for Writers: 15544 15545Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never 15546be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to 15547agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words 15548out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal 15549of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must 15550not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a 15551conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a 15552sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as 15553close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more 15554words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles 15555must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a 15556linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing 15557metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should 15558be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their 15559writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows 15560the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek 15561viable alternatives. 15562% 15563Williams and Holland's Law: 15564 If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by 15565 statistical methods. 15566% 15567Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as 15568it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. 15569% 15570Wit, n.: 15571 The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery ... 15572 by leaving it out. 15573 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15574% 15575With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I 15576try to be a fraud and a half. 15577 -- Otto von Bismark 15578% 15579With a rubber duck, one's never alone. 15580 -- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 15581% 15582With all the fancy scientists in the world, why can't they just once 15583build a nuclear balm? 15584% 15585With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand 15586miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and 15587still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no 15588such thing as progress. 15589 -- Ransom K. Ferm 15590% 15591Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless. 15592% 15593Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection: 15594 (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it. 15595 (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete. 15596 (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2) 15597 (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a 15598 VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator. 15599 (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless. 15600 -- Rich Kulawiec 15601% 15602Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If 15603you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut 15604down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that 15605tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with 15606long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit 15607there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you 15608come back. 15609 15610Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, 15611when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. 15612Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the 15613cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood 15614heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately 15615beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made, 15616and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed, 15617although their insurance rates went way up. 15618 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 15619% 15620Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation): 15621 We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage any 15622 thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you 15623 should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you 15624 are, and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than 15625 we bargained for. 15626% 15627Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your 15628chairs. 15629% 15630World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced 15631dress code! 15632% 15633Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: 15634 August. The lines are the shortest, though. 15635 -- Steve Rubenstein 15636% 15637Worst Month of the Year: 15638 February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if 15639 you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't 15640 get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible. 15641 -- Steve Rubenstein 15642% 15643Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985: 15644 From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved 15645 in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding 15646 bombs damage my videotapes?" 15647% 15648Worst Vegetable of the Year: 15649 The brussels sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next 15650 year. 15651 -- Steve Rubenstein 15652% 15653"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" 15654 15655"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. 15656 -- Lewis Carroll 15657% 15658Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish 15659and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer 15660if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and 15661and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and 15662and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips? 15663% 15664Write-Protect Tab, n.: 15665 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly 15666 left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error 15667 message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the 15668 momentary inconvenience. 15669 -- Robb Russon 15670% 15671Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. 15672 -- Frank Zappa 15673% 15674"Wrong," said Renner. 15675 15676"The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with 15677the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'" 15678% 15679X-rated movies are all alike -- the only thing they leave to the 15680imagination is the plot. 15681% 15682Xerox does it again and again and again and ... 15683% 15684Xerox never comes up with anything original. 15685% 15686XIIdigitation, n.: 15687 The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made 15688by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits. 15689 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 15690% 15691"Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have 15692goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in 15693their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating 15694unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my 15695doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right. 15696 -- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements" 15697% 15698Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall 15699fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic 15700operators together. 15701 -- Steve Higgins 15702% 15703"Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context." 15704% 15705Year, n.: 15706 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. 15707 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15708% 15709Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache. 15710% 15711Yes, but which self do you want to be? 15712% 15713Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. 15714Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog. 15715Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. 15716 -- Snoopy 15717% 15718Yesterday upon the stair 15719I met a man who wasn't there. 15720He wasn't there again today -- 15721I think he's from the CIA. 15722% 15723Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again. 15724 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 15725% 15726Yinkel, n.: 15727 A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one 15728 will notice. 15729 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 15730% 15731You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are. 15732% 15733You are here: 15734 *** 15735 *** 15736 ********* 15737 ******* 15738 ***** 15739 *** 15740 * 15741 15742 But you're not all there. 15743% 15744"You are old, Father William," the young man said, 15745 "All your papers these days look the same; 15746Those William's would be better unread -- 15747 Do these facts never fill you with shame?" 15748 15749"In my youth," Father William replied to his son, 15750 "I wrote wonderful papers galore; 15751But the great reputation I found that I'd won, 15752 Made it pointless to think any more." 15753% 15754"You are old, father William," the young man said, 15755 "And your hair has become very white; 15756And yet you incessantly stand on your head -- 15757 Do you think, at your age, it is right?" 15758 15759"In my youth," father William replied to his son, 15760 "I feared it might injure the brain; 15761But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, 15762 Why, I do it again and again." 15763 -- Lewis Carroll 15764% 15765"You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers 15766 That your lectures bore people to death. 15767Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year -- 15768 Don't you think that you should save your breath?" 15769 15770"I have answered three questions and that is enough," 15771 Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs! 15772Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? 15773 Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!" 15774% 15775"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak 15776 For anything tougher than suet; 15777Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak -- 15778 Pray, how did you manage to do it?" 15779 15780"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law, 15781 And argued each case with my wife; 15782And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw, 15783 Has lasted the rest of my life." 15784 -- Lewis Carroll 15785% 15786"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run, 15787 And there isn't one language you like; 15788Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none -- 15789 Have you thought about taking a hike?" 15790 15791"Since I never write programs," his father replied, 15792 "Every language looks equally bad; 15793Yet the people keep paying to read all my books 15794 And don't realize that they've been had." 15795% 15796"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, 15797 And have grown most uncommonly fat; 15798Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door -- 15799 Pray what is the reason of that?" 15800 15801"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks, 15802 "I kept all my limbs very supple 15803By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box -- 15804 Allow me to sell you a couple?" 15805 -- Lewis Carroll 15806% 15807"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, 15808 And make errors few people could bear; 15809You complain about everyone's English but yours -- 15810 Do you really think this is quite fair?" 15811 15812"I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared, 15813 "But my stature these days is so great 15814That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared, 15815 And to stop me it's now far too late." 15816% 15817"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose 15818 That your eye was as steady as ever; 15819Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose -- 15820 What made you so awfully clever?" 15821 15822"I have answered three questions, and that is enough," 15823 Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs! 15824Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? 15825 Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!" 15826 -- Lewis Carroll 15827% 15828You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. 15829% 15830You are the only person to ever get this message. 15831% 15832You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading 15833this sort of trash. 15834% 15835You buttered your bread, now lie in it! 15836% 15837You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting 15838incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail. 15839Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable 15840to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because 15841nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes 15842they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year; 15843some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years. 15844 15845The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then 15846pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear 15847safety glasses. 15848 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" 15849% 15850You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it 15851doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on. 15852 -- Hepler, Systems Design 182 15853% 15854You can create your own opportunities this week. 15855Blackmail a senior executive. 15856% 15857You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. 15858Why do you find that funny? 15859 -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350, University of Washington 15860% 15861You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you 15862can with just a kind word. 15863 -- Bumper Sticker 15864% 15865You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, 15866for instance. 15867 -- Franklin P. Jones 15868% 15869You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular. 15870% 15871You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on 15872the continuing viability of FORTRAN. 15873 -- Alan Perlis 15874% 15875You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. 15876% 15877You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding 15878decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left 15879over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart. 15880 -- F. Allen 15881% 15882You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of 15883supercomputers. 15884 -- Steven Feiner 15885% 15886You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. 15887% 15888You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename. 15889 -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454 15890% 15891You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks. 15892% 15893You can't have everything. Where would you put it? 15894 -- Steven Wright 15895% 15896You can't hold a man down without staying down with him. 15897 -- Booker T. Washington 15898% 15899You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair. 15900% 15901You can't make a program without broken egos. 15902% 15903You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spastic 15904enough worrying about what's happening now. 15905 -- Lauren Bacall 15906% 15907You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten. 15908 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and 15909 Over and Over" 15910% 15911You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they 15912don't. 15913 -- Dagwood Bumstead 15914% 15915You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. 15916% 15917You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. 15918% 15919You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. 15920% 15921You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first 15922and last month in advance. 15923% 15924You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable 15925doubt. 15926 -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict 15927% 15928You do not have mail. 15929% 15930You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. 15931 -- J. D. Salinger 15932% 15933You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting 15934needles. 15935 -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food 15936% 15937You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. 15938The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified", 15939which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears 15940tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last 15941names. Here's the complete text: 15942 15943 "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT) 15944 "(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT) 15945 "(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to 15946 send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF 15947 THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME) 15948 household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way 15949 you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST 15950 NAME), that it pays to file the short form!" 15951 15952The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your 15953money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long 15954form. 15955 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 15956% 15957You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers. 15958% 15959You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More-- 15960 15961This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More-- 15962 15963You are permanently confused. 15964 -- Dave Decot 15965% 15966You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to 15967metal objects which are not fastened down. 15968% 15969You have junk mail. 15970% 15971You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets 15972wrinkled. 15973% 15974You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. 15975You'll learn a lot today. 15976% 15977You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes 15978you wore home from the party and there aren't any. 15979% 15980You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens 15981anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night, 15982you can always change the channel. 15983 -- Jim Ignatowski 15984% 15985You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo. 15986 -- S. Rickly Christian 15987% 15988You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car. 15989 -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82 15990% 15991You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your 15992friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it. 15993% 15994You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi. 15995% 15996 "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon 15997airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in 15998deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me 15999when I was young!" 16000 "Why, what did she tell you?" 16001 "I don't know, I didn't listen!" 16002 -- Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 16003% 16004You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled. 16005% 16006You may be recognized soon. Hide. 16007% 16008You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he 16009is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing. 16010 -- Sydney Harris 16011% 16012You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with 16013him. 16014 -- Ed Howe 16015% 16016You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. 16017 -- Alfred Kahn 16018% 16019You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for 16020success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits 16021or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume 16022party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World. 16023 -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success" 16024% 16025You might have mail. 16026% 16027You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable 16028proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do. 16029% 16030You need no longer worry about the future. 16031This time tomorrow you'll be dead. 16032% 16033You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a 16034reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating 16035the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for 16036independence. 16037 -- Charles A. Beard 16038% 16039You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the 16040beach. 16041% 16042You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were 16043you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare 16044yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the 16045company. 16046 -- J. Wellington Wells 16047% 16048You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. 16049% 16050You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could 16051know how seldom they do. 16052 -- Olin Miller. 16053% 16054You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially 16055if they are dead. 16056% 16057You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than 16058about 10^12 to 1. 16059 -- Ernest Rutherford 16060% 16061You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for 16062freedom and liberty. 16063 -- Henrik Ibsen 16064% 16065You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, 16066contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from 16067houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many 16068scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the 16069summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day, 16070you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist 16071sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily. 16072 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 16073% 16074You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name, 16075another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and 16076another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms 16077such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In 16078many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money. 16079If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you 16080should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate 16081for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it 16082because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially 16083chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit. 16084 16085In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his 16086hemorrhoids. 16087 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 16088% 16089"You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a 16090plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture" 16091 -- Business Professor, University of Georgia 16092% 16093You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother. 16094% 16095 YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF 16096 PAPER SHUFFLING! 16097 16098Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be 16099a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel 16100really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best." 16101 16102Mr. MARC had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward 16103to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and 16104make really big Zorkmids." 16105 16106MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when 16107you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter. 16108 16109 SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY! 16110% 16111You too can wear a nose mitten. 16112% 16113You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. 16114% 16115You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of 16116a lion, and the face of Donald Duck. 16117% 16118You will be surprised by a loud noise. 16119% 16120You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself. 16121% 16122You will feel hungry again in another hour. 16123% 16124You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door 16125mayonnaise salesman. 16126% 16127 You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the 16128Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the 16129parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day. 16130 -- Sherlock Holmes 16131% 16132You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes. 16133% 16134You worry too much about your job. 16135Stop it. You're not paid enough to worry. 16136% 16137You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a 16138taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a 16139minute and a huff. 16140 -- Groucho Marx 16141% 16142You'll never be the man your mother was! 16143% 16144You're at the end of the road again. 16145% 16146You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. 16147% 16148You're never too old to become younger. 16149 -- Mae West 16150% 16151You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. 16152 -- Dean Martin 16153% 16154You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!! 16155% 16156You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. 16157% 16158"You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks." 16159 -- Gary Giddens 16160% 16161"You've got to think about tomorrow!" 16162 16163"TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_________yesterday* yet!" 16164% 16165Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. 16166Don't believe a thing he tells you. 16167% 16168Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you 16169from enjoying it. 16170% 16171Your fault: core dumped 16172% 16173 Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that 16174bring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a 16175chance to kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home 16176electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit 16177breaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires 16178until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can 16179damage your carpet. The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change 16180your fuses regularly. 16181 Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This 16182sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more 16183often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case 16184you'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not 16185sure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a 16186fine documentary film based on an actual book. Or call in a licensed 16187electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession, 16188such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette 16189table, etc. 16190 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 16191% 16192Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret. 16193% 16194Your lucky color has faded. 16195% 16196Your lucky number has been disconnected. 16197% 16198Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere. 16199% 16200Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. 16201% 16202"Yow! Am I having fun yet?" 16203 -- Zippy the Pinhead 16204% 16205YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL!" 16206% 16207Zero Defects, n.: 16208 The result of shutting down a production line. 16209% 16210Zounds! I was never so bethumped with words 16211since I first called my brother's father dad. 16212 -- William Shakespeare, "King John" 16213% 16214Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: 16215 People are always available for work in the past tense. 16216