1* Introduction 2 3This file contains the text of "The Devil's Dictionary" by Ambrose Bierce, 4converted to outline format, for testing various aspects of Dico functionality. 5 6* url 7 http://wiretap.area.com/Gopher/Library/Classic/devils.txt 8 9* Languages 10en 11 12* MIME 13Content-Type: text/plain; charset=US-ASCII 14Content-Transfer-Encoding: 8bit 15 16* Description 17 18THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY ((C)1911 Released April 15 1993) 19 20* Info 21 22This file was converted from the original database on: 23Sun May 18 12:45:30 EEST 2008 24 25The original data is available from: 26 http://wiretap.area.com/Gopher/Library/Classic/devils.txt 27 28The original data was distributed with the notice shown below. No 29additional restrictions are claimed. Please redistribute this 30changed version under the same conditions and restriction that 31apply to the original version. 32 33 34 35 The Internet Wiretap 1st Online Edition of 36 37 38 THE DEVIL'S DICTIONARY 39 40 by 41 42 AMBROSE BIERCE 43 44 45 Copyright 1911 by Albert and Charles Boni, Inc. 46 A Public Domain Text, Copyright Expired 47 48 Released April 15 1993 49 50 Entered by Aloysius of &tSftDotIotE 51 aloysius@west.darkside.com 52 53 54 55 PREFACE 56 57 _The Devil's Dictionary_ was begun in a weekly paper in 1881, and was 58 continued in a desultory way at long intervals until 1906. In that 59 year a large part of it was published in covers with the title _The 60 Cynic's Word Book_, a name which the author had not the power to 61 reject or happiness to approve. To quote the publishers of the 62 present work: 63 "This more reverent title had previously been forced upon him by 64 the religious scruples of the last newspaper in which a part of the 65 work had appeared, with the natural consequence that when it came out 66 in covers the country already had been flooded by its imitators with a 67 score of 'cynic' books -- _The Cynic's This_, _The Cynic's That_, and 68 _The Cynic's t'Other_. Most of these books were merely stupid, though 69 some of them added the distinction of silliness. Among them, they 70 brought the word 'cynic' into disfavor so deep that any book bearing 71 it was discredited in advance of publication." 72 Meantime, too, some of the enterprising humorists of the country 73 had helped themselves to such parts of the work as served their needs, 74 and many of its definitions, anecdotes, phrases and so forth, had 75 become more or less current in popular speech. This explanation is 76 made, not with any pride of priority in trifles, but in simple denial 77 of possible charges of plagiarism, which is no trifle. In merely 78 resuming his own the author hopes to be held guiltless by those to 79 whom the work is addressed -- enlightened souls who prefer dry wines 80 to sweet, sense to sentiment, wit to humor and clean English to slang. 81 A conspicuous, and it is hope not unpleasant, feature of the book 82 is its abundant illustrative quotations from eminent poets, chief of 83 whom is that learned and ingenius cleric, Father Gassalasca Jape, 84 S.J., whose lines bear his initials. To Father Jape's kindly 85 encouragement and assistance the author of the prose text is greatly 86 indebted. 87 A.B. 88 89 90* Dictionary 91 92 A 93 94 95 96** ABASEMENT 97 98ABASEMENT, n. A decent and customary mental attitude in the presence 99of wealth of power. Peculiarly appropriate in an employee when 100addressing an employer. 101 102 103** ABATIS 104 105ABATIS, n. Rubbish in front of a fort, to prevent the rubbish outside 106from molesting the rubbish inside. 107 108 109** ABDICATION 110 111ABDICATION, n. An act whereby a sovereign attests his sense of the 112high temperature of the throne. 113 114 Poor Isabella's Dead, whose abdication 115 Set all tongues wagging in the Spanish nation. 116 For that performance 'twere unfair to scold her: 117 She wisely left a throne too hot to hold her. 118 To History she'll be no royal riddle -- 119 Merely a plain parched pea that jumped the griddle. 120 G.J. 121 122 123** ABDOMEN 124 125ABDOMEN, n. The temple of the god Stomach, in whose worship, with 126sacrificial rights, all true men engage. From women this ancient 127faith commands but a stammering assent. They sometimes minister at 128the altar in a half-hearted and ineffective way, but true reverence 129for the one deity that men really adore they know not. If woman had a 130free hand in the world's marketing the race would become 131graminivorous. 132 133 134** ABILITY 135 136ABILITY, n. The natural equipment to accomplish some small part of 137the meaner ambitions distinguishing able men from dead ones. In the 138last analysis ability is commonly found to consist mainly in a high 139degree of solemnity. Perhaps, however, this impressive quality is 140rightly appraised; it is no easy task to be solemn. 141 142 143** ABNORMAL 144 145ABNORMAL, adj. Not conforming to standard. In matters of thought and 146conduct, to be independent is to be abnormal, to be abnormal is to be 147detested. Wherefore the lexicographer adviseth a striving toward the 148straiter [sic] resemblance of the Average Man than he hath to himself. 149Whoso attaineth thereto shall have peace, the prospect of death and 150the hope of Hell. 151 152 153** ABORIGINIES 154 155ABORIGINIES, n. Persons of little worth found cumbering the soil of a 156newly discovered country. They soon cease to cumber; they fertilize. 157 158 159ABRACADABRA. 160 161 By _Abracadabra_ we signify 162 An infinite number of things. 163 'Tis the answer to What? and How? and Why? 164 And Whence? and Whither? -- a word whereby 165 The Truth (with the comfort it brings) 166 Is open to all who grope in night, 167 Crying for Wisdom's holy light. 168 169 Whether the word is a verb or a noun 170 Is knowledge beyond my reach. 171 I only know that 'tis handed down. 172 From sage to sage, 173 From age to age -- 174 An immortal part of speech! 175 176 Of an ancient man the tale is told 177 That he lived to be ten centuries old, 178 In a cave on a mountain side. 179 (True, he finally died.) 180 The fame of his wisdom filled the land, 181 For his head was bald, and you'll understand 182 His beard was long and white 183 And his eyes uncommonly bright. 184 185 Philosophers gathered from far and near 186 To sit at his feat and hear and hear, 187 Though he never was heard 188 To utter a word 189 But "_Abracadabra, abracadab_, 190 _Abracada, abracad_, 191 _Abraca, abrac, abra, ab!_" 192 'Twas all he had, 193 'Twas all they wanted to hear, and each 194 Made copious notes of the mystical speech, 195 Which they published next -- 196 A trickle of text 197 In the meadow of commentary. 198 Mighty big books were these, 199 In a number, as leaves of trees; 200 In learning, remarkably -- very! 201 202 He's dead, 203 As I said, 204 And the books of the sages have perished, 205 But his wisdom is sacredly cherished. 206 In _Abracadabra_ it solemnly rings, 207 Like an ancient bell that forever swings. 208 O, I love to hear 209 That word make clear 210 Humanity's General Sense of Things. 211 Jamrach Holobom 212 213 214** ABRIDGE 215 216ABRIDGE, v.t. To shorten. 217 218 When in the course of human events it becomes necessary for 219 people to abridge their king, a decent respect for the opinions of 220 mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel 221 them to the separation. 222 Oliver Cromwell 223 224 225** ABRUPT 226 227ABRUPT, adj. Sudden, without ceremony, like the arrival of a cannon- 228shot and the departure of the soldier whose interests are most 229affected by it. Dr. Samuel Johnson beautifully said of another 230author's ideas that they were "concatenated without abruption." 231 232 233** ABSCOND 234 235ABSCOND, v.i. To "move in a mysterious way," commonly with the 236property of another. 237 238 Spring beckons! All things to the call respond; 239 The trees are leaving and cashiers abscond. 240 Phela Orm 241 242 243** ABSENT 244 245ABSENT, adj. Peculiarly exposed to the tooth of detraction; vilifed; 246hopelessly in the wrong; superseded in the consideration and affection 247of another. 248 249 To men a man is but a mind. Who cares 250 What face he carries or what form he wears? 251 But woman's body is the woman. O, 252 Stay thou, my sweetheart, and do never go, 253 But heed the warning words the sage hath said: 254 A woman absent is a woman dead. 255 Jogo Tyree 256 257 258** ABSENTEE 259 260ABSENTEE, n. A person with an income who has had the forethought to 261remove himself from the sphere of exaction. 262 263 264** ABSOLUTE 265 266ABSOLUTE, adj. Independent, irresponsible. An absolute monarchy is 267one in which the sovereign does as he pleases so long as he pleases 268the assassins. Not many absolute monarchies are left, most of them 269having been replaced by limited monarchies, where the sovereign's 270power for evil (and for good) is greatly curtailed, and by republics, 271which are governed by chance. 272 273 274** ABSTAINER 275 276ABSTAINER, n. A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying 277himself a pleasure. A total abstainer is one who abstains from 278everything but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the 279affairs of others. 280 281 Said a man to a crapulent youth: "I thought 282 You a total abstainer, my son." 283 "So I am, so I am," said the scrapgrace caught -- 284 "But not, sir, a bigoted one." 285 G.J. 286 287 288** ABSURDITY 289 290ABSURDITY, n. A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with 291one's own opinion. 292 293 294** ACADEME 295 296ACADEME, n. An ancient school where morality and philosophy were 297taught. 298 299 300** ACADEMY 301 302ACADEMY, n. [from :ACADEME:] A modern school where football is 303taught. 304 305 306** ACCIDENT 307 308ACCIDENT, n. An inevitable occurrence due to the action of immutable 309natural laws. 310 311 312** ACCOMPLICE 313 314ACCOMPLICE, n. One associated with another in a crime, having guilty 315knowledge and complicity, as an attorney who defends a criminal, 316knowing him guilty. This view of the attorney's position in the 317matter has not hitherto commanded the assent of attorneys, no one 318having offered them a fee for assenting. 319 320 321** ACCORD 322 323ACCORD, n. Harmony. 324 325 326** ACCORDION 327 328ACCORDION, n. An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an 329assassin. 330 331 332** ACCOUNTABILITY 333 334ACCOUNTABILITY, n. The mother of caution. 335 336 "My accountability, bear in mind," 337 Said the Grand Vizier: "Yes, yes," 338 Said the Shah: "I do -- 'tis the only kind 339 Of ability you possess." 340 Joram Tate 341 342 343** ACCUSE 344 345ACCUSE, v.t. To affirm another's guilt or unworth; most commonly as a 346justification of ourselves for having wronged him. 347 348 349** ACEPHALOUS 350 351ACEPHALOUS, adj. In the surprising condition of the Crusader who 352absently pulled at his forelock some hours after a Saracen scimitar 353had, unconsciously to him, passed through his neck, as related by de 354Joinville. 355 356 357** ACHIEVEMENT 358 359ACHIEVEMENT, n. The death of endeavor and the birth of disgust. 360 361 362** ACKNOWLEDGE 363 364ACKNOWLEDGE, v.t. To confess. Acknowledgement of one another's 365faults is the highest duty imposed by our love of truth. 366 367 368** ACQUAINTANCE 369 370ACQUAINTANCE, n. A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, 371but not well enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight 372when its object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or 373famous. 374 375 376** ACTUALLY 377 378ACTUALLY, adv. Perhaps; possibly. 379 380 381** ADAGE 382 383ADAGE, n. Boned wisdom for weak teeth. 384 385 386** ADAMANT 387 388ADAMANT, n. A mineral frequently found beneath a corset. Soluble in 389solicitate of gold. 390 391 392** ADDER 393 394ADDER, n. A species of snake. So called from its habit of adding 395funeral outlays to the other expenses of living. 396 397 398** ADHERENT 399 400ADHERENT, n. A follower who has not yet obtained all that he expects 401to get. 402 403 404** ADMINISTRATION 405 406ADMINISTRATION, n. An ingenious abstraction in politics, designed to 407receive the kicks and cuffs due to the premier or president. A man of 408straw, proof against bad-egging and dead-catting. 409 410 411** ADMIRAL 412 413ADMIRAL, n. That part of a war-ship which does the talking while the 414figure-head does the thinking. 415 416 417** ADMIRATION 418 419ADMIRATION, n. Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to 420ourselves. 421 422 423** ADMONITION 424 425ADMONITION, n. Gentle reproof, as with a meat-axe. Friendly warning. 426 427 Consigned by way of admonition, 428 His soul forever to perdition. 429 Judibras 430 431 432** ADORE 433 434ADORE, v.t. To venerate expectantly. 435 436 437** ADVICE 438 439ADVICE, n. The smallest current coin. 440 441 "The man was in such deep distress," 442 Said Tom, "that I could do no less 443 Than give him good advice." Said Jim: 444 "If less could have been done for him 445 I know you well enough, my son, 446 To know that's what you would have done." 447 Jebel Jocordy 448 449 450** AFFIANCED 451 452AFFIANCED, pp. Fitted with an ankle-ring for the ball-and-chain. 453 454 455** AFFLICTION 456 457AFFLICTION, n. An acclimatizing process preparing the soul for 458another and bitter world. 459 460 461** AFRICAN 462 463AFRICAN, n. A nigger that votes our way. 464 465 466** AGE 467 468AGE, n. That period of life in which we compound for the vices that 469we still cherish by reviling those that we have no longer the 470enterprise to commit. 471 472 473** AGITATOR 474 475AGITATOR, n. A statesman who shakes the fruit trees of his neighbors 476-- to dislodge the worms. 477 478 479** AIM 480 481AIM, n. The task we set our wishes to. 482 483 "Cheer up! Have you no aim in life?" 484 She tenderly inquired. 485 "An aim? Well, no, I haven't, wife; 486 The fact is -- I have fired." 487 G.J. 488 489 490** AIR 491 492AIR, n. A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for 493the fattening of the poor. 494 495 496** ALDERMAN 497 498ALDERMAN, n. An ingenious criminal who covers his secret thieving 499with a pretence of open marauding. 500 501 502** ALIEN 503 504ALIEN, n. An American sovereign in his probationary state. 505 506 507** ALLAH 508 509ALLAH, n. The Mahometan Supreme Being, as distinguished from the 510Christian, Jewish, and so forth. 511 512 Allah's good laws I faithfully have kept, 513 And ever for the sins of man have wept; 514 And sometimes kneeling in the temple I 515 Have reverently crossed my hands and slept. 516 Junker Barlow 517 518 519** ALLEGIANCE 520 521ALLEGIANCE, n. 522 523 This thing Allegiance, as I suppose, 524 Is a ring fitted in the subject's nose, 525 Whereby that organ is kept rightly pointed 526 To smell the sweetness of the Lord's anointed. 527 G.J. 528 529 530** ALLIANCE 531 532ALLIANCE, n. In international politics, the union of two thieves who 533have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pockets that they 534cannot separately plunder a third. 535 536 537** ALLIGATOR 538 539ALLIGATOR, n. The crocodile of America, superior in every detail to 540the crocodile of the effete monarchies of the Old World. Herodotus 541says the Indus is, with one exception, the only river that produces 542crocodiles, but they appear to have gone West and grown up with the 543other rivers. From the notches on his back the alligator is called a 544sawrian. 545 546 547** ALONE 548 549ALONE, adj. In bad company. 550 551 In contact, lo! the flint and steel, 552 By spark and flame, the thought reveal 553 That he the metal, she the stone, 554 Had cherished secretly alone. 555 Booley Fito 556 557 558** ALTAR 559 560ALTAR, n. The place whereupon the priest formerly raveled out the 561small intestine of the sacrificial victim for purposes of divination 562and cooked its flesh for the gods. The word is now seldom used, 563except with reference to the sacrifice of their liberty and peace by a 564male and a female tool. 565 566 They stood before the altar and supplied 567 The fire themselves in which their fat was fried. 568 In vain the sacrifice! -- no god will claim 569 An offering burnt with an unholy flame. 570 M.P. Nopput 571 572 573** AMBIDEXTROUS 574 575AMBIDEXTROUS, adj. Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket 576or a left. 577 578 579** AMBITION 580 581AMBITION, n. An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while 582living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. 583 584 585** AMNESTY 586 587AMNESTY, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders whom it would 588be too expensive to punish. 589 590 591** ANOINT 592 593ANOINT, v.t. To grease a king or other great functionary already 594sufficiently slippery. 595 596 As sovereigns are anointed by the priesthood, 597 So pigs to lead the populace are greased good. 598 Judibras 599 600 601** ANTIPATHY 602 603ANTIPATHY, n. The sentiment inspired by one's friend's friend. 604 605 606** APHORISM 607 608APHORISM, n. Predigested wisdom. 609 610 The flabby wine-skin of his brain 611 Yields to some pathologic strain, 612 And voids from its unstored abysm 613 The driblet of an aphorism. 614 "The Mad Philosopher," 1697 615 616 617** APOLOGIZE 618 619APOLOGIZE, v.i. To lay the foundation for a future offence. 620 621 622** APOSTATE 623 624APOSTATE, n. A leech who, having penetrated the shell of a turtle 625only to find that the creature has long been dead, deems it expedient 626to form a new attachment to a fresh turtle. 627 628 629** APOTHECARY 630 631APOTHECARY, n. The physician's accomplice, undertaker's benefactor 632and grave worm's provider. 633 634 When Jove sent blessings to all men that are, 635 And Mercury conveyed them in a jar, 636 That friend of tricksters introduced by stealth 637 Disease for the apothecary's health, 638 Whose gratitude impelled him to proclaim: 639 "My deadliest drug shall bear my patron's name!" 640 G.J. 641 642 643** APPEAL 644 645APPEAL, v.t. In law, to put the dice into the box for another throw. 646 647 648** APPETITE 649 650APPETITE, n. An instinct thoughtfully implanted by Providence as a 651solution to the labor question. 652 653 654** APPLAUSE 655 656APPLAUSE, n. The echo of a platitude. 657 658 659** APRIL FOOL 660 661APRIL FOOL, n. The March fool with another month added to his folly. 662 663 664** ARCHBISHOP 665 666ARCHBISHOP, n. An ecclesiastical dignitary one point holier than a 667bishop. 668 669 If I were a jolly archbishop, 670 On Fridays I'd eat all the fish up -- 671 Salmon and flounders and smelts; 672 On other days everything else. 673 Jodo Rem 674 675 676** ARCHITECT 677 678ARCHITECT, n. One who drafts a plan of your house, and plans a draft 679of your money. 680 681 682** ARDOR 683 684ARDOR, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge. 685 686 687** ARENA 688 689ARENA, n. In politics, an imaginary rat-pit in which the statesman 690wrestles with his record. 691 692 693** ARISTOCRACY 694 695ARISTOCRACY, n. Government by the best men. (In this sense the word 696is obsolete; so is that kind of government.) Fellows that wear downy 697hats and clean shirts -- guilty of education and suspected of bank 698accounts. 699 700 701** ARMOR 702 703ARMOR, n. The kind of clothing worn by a man whose tailor is a 704blacksmith. 705 706 707** ARRAYED 708 709ARRAYED, pp. Drawn up and given an orderly disposition, as a rioter 710hanged to a lamppost. 711 712 713** ARREST 714 715ARREST, v.t. Formally to detain one accused of unusualness. 716 717 God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh. 718 _The Unauthorized Version_ 719 720 721** ARSENIC 722 723ARSENIC, n. A kind of cosmetic greatly affected by the ladies, whom 724it greatly affects in turn. 725 726 "Eat arsenic? Yes, all you get," 727 Consenting, he did speak up; 728 "'Tis better you should eat it, pet, 729 Than put it in my teacup." 730 Joel Huck 731 732 733** ART 734 735ART, n. This word has no definition. Its origin is related as 736follows by the ingenious Father Gassalasca Jape, S.J. 737 738 One day a wag -- what would the wretch be at? -- 739 Shifted a letter of the cipher RAT, 740 And said it was a god's name! Straight arose 741 Fantastic priests and postulants (with shows, 742 And mysteries, and mummeries, and hymns, 743 And disputations dire that lamed their limbs) 744 To serve his temple and maintain the fires, 745 Expound the law, manipulate the wires. 746 Amazed, the populace that rites attend, 747 Believe whate'er they cannot comprehend, 748 And, inly edified to learn that two 749 Half-hairs joined so and so (as Art can do) 750 Have sweeter values and a grace more fit 751 Than Nature's hairs that never have been split, 752 Bring cates and wines for sacrificial feasts, 753 And sell their garments to support the priests. 754 755 756** ARTLESSNESS 757 758ARTLESSNESS, n. A certain engaging quality to which women attain by 759long study and severe practice upon the admiring male, who is pleased 760to fancy it resembles the candid simplicity of his young. 761 762 763** ASPERSE 764 765ASPERSE, v.t. Maliciously to ascribe to another vicious actions which 766one has not had the temptation and opportunity to commit. 767 768 769** ASS 770 771ASS, n. A public singer with a good voice but no ear. In Virginia 772City, Nevada, he is called the Washoe Canary, in Dakota, the Senator, 773and everywhere the Donkey. The animal is widely and variously 774celebrated in the literature, art and religion of every age and 775country; no other so engages and fires the human imagination as this 776noble vertebrate. Indeed, it is doubted by some (Ramasilus, _lib. 777 778II., De Clem._, and C. Stantatus, _De Temperamente_) if it is not a 779god; and as such we know it was worshiped by the Etruscans, and, if we 780may believe Macrobious, by the Cupasians also. Of the only two 781animals admitted into the Mahometan Paradise along with the souls of 782men, the ass that carried Balaam is one, the dog of the Seven Sleepers 783the other. This is no small distinction. From what has been written 784about this beast might be compiled a library of great splendor and 785magnitude, rivalling that of the Shakespearean cult, and that which 786clusters about the Bible. It may be said, generally, that all 787literature is more or less Asinine. 788 789 "Hail, holy Ass!" the quiring angels sing; 790 "Priest of Unreason, and of Discords King!" 791 Great co-Creator, let Thy glory shine: 792 God made all else, the Mule, the Mule is thine!" 793 G.J. 794 795 796** AUCTIONEER 797 798AUCTIONEER, n. The man who proclaims with a hammer that he has picked 799a pocket with his tongue. 800 801 802** AUSTRALIA 803 804AUSTRALIA, n. A country lying in the South Sea, whose industrial and 805commercial development has been unspeakably retarded by an unfortunate 806dispute among geographers as to whether it is a continent or an 807island. 808 809 810** AVERNUS 811 812AVERNUS, n. The lake by which the ancients entered the infernal 813regions. The fact that access to the infernal regions was obtained by 814a lake is believed by the learned Marcus Ansello Scrutator to have 815suggested the Christian rite of baptism by immersion. This, however, 816has been shown by Lactantius to be an error. 817 818 _Facilis descensus Averni,_ 819 The poet remarks; and the sense 820 Of it is that when down-hill I turn I 821 Will get more of punches than pence. 822 Jehal Dai Lupe 823 824 825 B 826 827 828 829** BAAL 830 831BAAL, n. An old deity formerly much worshiped under various names. 832As Baal he was popular with the Phoenicians; as Belus or Bel he had 833the honor to be served by the priest Berosus, who wrote the famous 834account of the Deluge; as Babel he had a tower partly erected to his 835glory on the Plain of Shinar. From Babel comes our English word 836"babble." Under whatever name worshiped, Baal is the Sun-god. As 837Beelzebub he is the god of flies, which are begotten of the sun's rays 838on the stagnant water. In Physicia Baal is still worshiped as Bolus, 839and as Belly he is adored and served with abundant sacrifice by the 840priests of Guttledom. 841 842 843** BABE 844 845BABE or BABY, n. A misshapen creature of no particular age, sex, or 846condition, chiefly remarkable for the violence of the sympathies and 847antipathies it excites in others, itself without sentiment or emotion. 848There have been famous babes; for example, little Moses, from whose 849adventure in the bulrushes the Egyptian hierophants of seven centuries 850before doubtless derived their idle tale of the child Osiris being 851preserved on a floating lotus leaf. 852 853 Ere babes were invented 854 The girls were contended. 855 Now man is tormented 856 Until to buy babes he has squandered 857 His money. And so I have pondered 858 This thing, and thought may be 859 'T were better that Baby 860 The First had been eagled or condored. 861 Ro Amil 862 863 864** BACCHUS 865 866BACCHUS, n. A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse 867for getting drunk. 868 869 Is public worship, then, a sin, 870 That for devotions paid to Bacchus 871 The lictors dare to run us in, 872 And resolutely thump and whack us? 873 Jorace 874 875 876** BACK 877 878BACK, n. That part of your friend which it is your privilege to 879contemplate in your adversity. 880 881 882** BACKBITE 883 884BACKBITE, v.t. To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find 885you. 886 887 888** BAIT 889 890BAIT, n. A preparation that renders the hook more palatable. The 891best kind is beauty. 892 893 894** BAPTISM 895 896BAPTISM, n. A sacred rite of such efficacy that he who finds himself 897in heaven without having undergone it will be unhappy forever. It is 898performed with water in two ways -- by immersion, or plunging, and by 899aspersion, or sprinkling. 900 901 But whether the plan of immersion 902 Is better than simple aspersion 903 Let those immersed 904 And those aspersed 905 Decide by the Authorized Version, 906 And by matching their agues tertian. 907 G.J. 908 909 910** BAROMETER 911 912BAROMETER, n. An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of 913weather we are having. 914 915 916** BARRACK 917 918BARRACK, n. A house in which soldiers enjoy a portion of that of 919which it is their business to deprive others. 920 921 922** BASILISK 923 924BASILISK, n. The cockatrice. A sort of serpent hatched form the egg 925of a cock. The basilisk had a bad eye, and its glance was fatal. 926Many infidels deny this creature's existence, but Semprello Aurator 927saw and handled one that had been blinded by lightning as a punishment 928for having fatally gazed on a lady of rank whom Jupiter loved. Juno 929afterward restored the reptile's sight and hid it in a cave. Nothing 930is so well attested by the ancients as the existence of the basilisk, 931but the cocks have stopped laying. 932 933 934** BASTINADO 935 936BASTINADO, n. The act of walking on wood without exertion. 937 938 939** BATH 940 941BATH, n. A kind of mystic ceremony substituted for religious worship, 942with what spiritual efficacy has not been determined. 943 944 The man who taketh a steam bath 945 He loseth all the skin he hath, 946 And, for he's boiled a brilliant red, 947 Thinketh to cleanliness he's wed, 948 Forgetting that his lungs he's soiling 949 With dirty vapors of the boiling. 950 Richard Gwow 951 952 953** BATTLE 954 955BATTLE, n. A method of untying with the teeth of a political knot 956that would not yield to the tongue. 957 958 959** BEARD 960 961BEARD, n. The hair that is commonly cut off by those who justly 962execrate the absurd Chinese custom of shaving the head. 963 964 965** BEAUTY 966 967BEAUTY, n. The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a 968husband. 969 970 971** BEFRIEND 972 973BEFRIEND, v.t. To make an ingrate. 974 975 976** BEG 977 978BEG, v. To ask for something with an earnestness proportioned to the 979belief that it will not be given. 980 981 Who is that, father? 982 983 A mendicant, child, 984 Haggard, morose, and unaffable -- wild! 985 See how he glares through the bars of his cell! 986 With Citizen Mendicant all is not well. 987 988 Why did they put him there, father? 989 990 Because 991 Obeying his belly he struck at the laws. 992 993 His belly? 994 995 Oh, well, he was starving, my boy -- 996 A state in which, doubtless, there's little of joy. 997 No bite had he eaten for days, and his cry 998 Was "Bread!" ever "Bread!" 999 1000 What's the matter with pie? 1001 1002 With little to wear, he had nothing to sell; 1003 To beg was unlawful -- improper as well. 1004 1005 Why didn't he work? 1006 1007 He would even have done that, 1008 But men said: "Get out!" and the State remarked: "Scat!" 1009 I mention these incidents merely to show 1010 That the vengeance he took was uncommonly low. 1011 Revenge, at the best, is the act of a Siou, 1012 But for trifles -- 1013 1014 Pray what did bad Mendicant do? 1015 1016 Stole two loaves of bread to replenish his lack 1017 And tuck out the belly that clung to his back. 1018 1019 Is that _all_ father dear? 1020 1021 There's little to tell: 1022 They sent him to jail, and they'll send him to -- well, 1023 The company's better than here we can boast, 1024 And there's -- 1025 1026 Bread for the needy, dear father? 1027 1028 Um -- toast. 1029 Atka Mip 1030 1031 1032** BEGGAR 1033 1034BEGGAR, n. One who has relied on the assistance of his friends. 1035 1036 1037** BEHAVIOR 1038 1039BEHAVIOR, n. Conduct, as determined, not by principle, but by 1040breeding. The word seems to be somewhat loosely used in Dr. Jamrach 1041Holobom's translation of the following lines from the _Dies Irae_: 1042 1043 Recordare, Jesu pie, 1044 Quod sum causa tuae viae. 1045 Ne me perdas illa die. 1046 1047 Pray remember, sacred Savior, 1048 Whose the thoughtless hand that gave your 1049 Death-blow. Pardon such behavior. 1050 1051 1052** BELLADONNA 1053 1054BELLADONNA, n. In Italian a beautiful lady; in English a deadly 1055poison. A striking example of the essential identity of the two 1056tongues. 1057 1058 1059** BENEDICTINES 1060 1061BENEDICTINES, n. An order of monks otherwise known as black friars. 1062 1063 She thought it a crow, but it turn out to be 1064 A monk of St. Benedict croaking a text. 1065 "Here's one of an order of cooks," said she -- 1066 "Black friars in this world, fried black in the next." 1067 "The Devil on Earth" (London, 1712) 1068 1069 1070** BENEFACTOR 1071 1072BENEFACTOR, n. One who makes heavy purchases of ingratitude, without, 1073however, materially affecting the price, which is still within the 1074means of all. 1075 1076 1077** BERENICE'S HAIR 1078BERENICE'S HAIR, n. A constellation (_Coma Berenices_) named in honor 1079of one who sacrificed her hair to save her husband. 1080 1081 Her locks an ancient lady gave 1082 Her loving husband's life to save; 1083 And men -- they honored so the dame -- 1084 Upon some stars bestowed her name. 1085 1086 But to our modern married fair, 1087 Who'd give their lords to save their hair, 1088 No stellar recognition's given. 1089 There are not stars enough in heaven. 1090 G.J. 1091 1092 1093** BIGAMY 1094 1095BIGAMY, n. A mistake in taste for which the wisdom of the future will 1096adjudge a punishment called trigamy. 1097 1098 1099** BIGOT 1100 1101BIGOT, n. One who is obstinately and zealously attached to an opinion 1102that you do not entertain. 1103 1104 1105** BILLINGSGATE 1106 1107BILLINGSGATE, n. The invective of an opponent. 1108 1109 1110** BIRTH 1111 1112BIRTH, n. The first and direst of all disasters. As to the nature of 1113it there appears to be no uniformity. Castor and Pollux were born 1114from the egg. Pallas came out of a skull. Galatea was once a block 1115of stone. Peresilis, who wrote in the tenth century, avers that he 1116grew up out of the ground where a priest had spilled holy water. It 1117is known that Arimaxus was derived from a hole in the earth, made by a 1118stroke of lightning. Leucomedon was the son of a cavern in Mount 1119Aetna, and I have myself seen a man come out of a wine cellar. 1120 1121 1122** BLACKGUARD 1123 1124BLACKGUARD, n. A man whose qualities, prepared for display like a box 1125of berries in a market -- the fine ones on top -- have been opened on 1126the wrong side. An inverted gentleman. 1127 1128 1129** BLANK-VERSE 1130 1131BLANK-VERSE, n. Unrhymed iambic pentameters -- the most difficult 1132kind of English verse to write acceptably; a kind, therefore, much 1133affected by those who cannot acceptably write any kind. 1134 1135 1136** BODY-SNATCHER 1137 1138BODY-SNATCHER, n. A robber of grave-worms. One who supplies the 1139young physicians with that with which the old physicians have supplied 1140the undertaker. The hyena. 1141 1142 "One night," a doctor said, "last fall, 1143 I and my comrades, four in all, 1144 When visiting a graveyard stood 1145 Within the shadow of a wall. 1146 1147 "While waiting for the moon to sink 1148 We saw a wild hyena slink 1149 About a new-made grave, and then 1150 Begin to excavate its brink! 1151 1152 "Shocked by the horrid act, we made 1153 A sally from our ambuscade, 1154 And, falling on the unholy beast, 1155 Dispatched him with a pick and spade." 1156 Bettel K. Jhones 1157 1158 1159** BONDSMAN 1160 1161BONDSMAN, n. A fool who, having property of his own, undertakes to 1162become responsible for that entrusted to another to a third. 1163 Philippe of Orleans wishing to appoint one of his favorites, a 1164dissolute nobleman, to a high office, asked him what security he would 1165be able to give. "I need no bondsmen," he replied, "for I can give 1166you my word of honor." "And pray what may be the value of that?" 1167inquired the amused Regent. "Monsieur, it is worth its weight in 1168gold." 1169 1170 1171** BORE 1172 1173BORE, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen. 1174 1175 1176** BOTANY 1177 1178BOTANY, n. The science of vegetables -- those that are not good to 1179eat, as well as those that are. It deals largely with their flowers, 1180which are commonly badly designed, inartistic in color, and ill- 1181smelling. 1182 1183 1184** BOTTLE-NOSED 1185 1186BOTTLE-NOSED, adj. Having a nose created in the image of its maker. 1187 1188 1189** BOUNDARY 1190 1191BOUNDARY, n. In political geography, an imaginary line between two 1192nations, separating the imaginary rights of one from the imaginary 1193rights of the other. 1194 1195 1196** BOUNTY 1197 1198BOUNTY, n. The liberality of one who has much, in permitting one who 1199has nothing to get all that he can. 1200 1201 A single swallow, it is said, devours ten millions of insects 1202 every year. The supplying of these insects I take to be a signal 1203 instance of the Creator's bounty in providing for the lives of His 1204 creatures. 1205 Henry Ward Beecher 1206 1207 1208** BRAHMA 1209 1210BRAHMA, n. He who created the Hindoos, who are preserved by Vishnu 1211and destroyed by Siva -- a rather neater division of labor than is 1212found among the deities of some other nations. The Abracadabranese, 1213for example, are created by Sin, maintained by Theft and destroyed by 1214Folly. The priests of Brahma, like those of Abracadabranese, are holy 1215and learned men who are never naughty. 1216 1217 O Brahma, thou rare old Divinity, 1218 First Person of the Hindoo Trinity, 1219 You sit there so calm and securely, 1220 With feet folded up so demurely -- 1221 You're the First Person Singular, surely. 1222 Polydore Smith 1223 1224 1225** BRAIN 1226 1227BRAIN, n. An apparatus with which we think what we think. That which 1228distinguishes the man who is content to _be_ something from the man 1229who wishes to _do_ something. A man of great wealth, or one who has 1230been pitchforked into high station, has commonly such a headful of 1231brain that his neighbors cannot keep their hats on. In our 1232civilization, and under our republican form of government, brain is so 1233highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of 1234office. 1235 1236 1237** BRANDY 1238 1239BRANDY, n. A cordial composed of one part thunder-and-lightning, one 1240part remorse, two parts bloody murder, one part death-hell-and-the- 1241grave and four parts clarified Satan. Dose, a headful all the time. 1242Brandy is said by Dr. Johnson to be the drink of heroes. Only a hero 1243will venture to drink it. 1244 1245 1246** BRIDE 1247 1248BRIDE, n. A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. 1249 1250 1251** BRUTE 1252 1253BRUTE, n. See :HUSBAND:. 1254 1255 1256 C 1257 1258 1259 1260** CAABA 1261 1262CAABA, n. A large stone presented by the archangel Gabriel to the 1263patriarch Abraham, and preserved at Mecca. The patriarch had perhaps 1264asked the archangel for bread. 1265 1266 1267** CABBAGE 1268 1269CABBAGE, n. A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and 1270wise as a man's head. 1271 The cabbage is so called from Cabagius, a prince who on ascending 1272the throne issued a decree appointing a High Council of Empire 1273consisting of the members of his predecessor's Ministry and the 1274cabbages in the royal garden. When any of his Majesty's measures of 1275state policy miscarried conspicuously it was gravely announced that 1276several members of the High Council had been beheaded, and his 1277murmuring subjects were appeased. 1278 1279 1280** CALAMITY 1281 1282CALAMITY, n. A more than commonly plain and unmistakable reminder 1283that the affairs of this life are not of our own ordering. Calamities 1284are of two kinds: misfortune to ourselves, and good fortune to 1285others. 1286 1287 1288** CALLOUS 1289 1290CALLOUS, adj. Gifted with great fortitude to bear the evils 1291afflicting another. 1292 When Zeno was told that one of his enemies was no more he was 1293observed to be deeply moved. "What!" said one of his disciples, "you 1294weep at the death of an enemy?" "Ah, 'tis true," replied the great 1295Stoic; "but you should see me smile at the death of a friend." 1296 1297 1298** CALUMNUS 1299 1300CALUMNUS, n. A graduate of the School for Scandal. 1301 1302 1303** CAMEL 1304 1305CAMEL, n. A quadruped (the _Splaypes humpidorsus_) of great value to 1306the show business. There are two kinds of camels -- the camel proper 1307and the camel improper. It is the latter that is always exhibited. 1308 1309 1310** CANNIBAL 1311 1312CANNIBAL, n. A gastronome of the old school who preserves the simple 1313tastes and adheres to the natural diet of the pre-pork period. 1314 1315 1316** CANNON 1317 1318CANNON, n. An instrument employed in the rectification of national 1319boundaries. 1320 1321 1322** CANONICALS 1323 1324CANONICALS, n. The motley worm by Jesters of the Court of Heaven. 1325 1326 1327** CAPITAL 1328 1329CAPITAL, n. The seat of misgovernment. That which provides the fire, 1330the pot, the dinner, the table and the knife and fork for the 1331anarchist; the part of the repast that himself supplies is the 1332disgrace before meat. _Capital Punishment_, a penalty regarding the 1333justice and expediency of which many worthy persons -- including all 1334the assassins -- entertain grave misgivings. 1335 1336 1337** CARMELITE 1338 1339CARMELITE, n. A mendicant friar of the order of Mount Carmel. 1340 1341 As Death was a-rising out one day, 1342 Across Mount Camel he took his way, 1343 Where he met a mendicant monk, 1344 Some three or four quarters drunk, 1345 With a holy leer and a pious grin, 1346 Ragged and fat and as saucy as sin, 1347 Who held out his hands and cried: 1348 "Give, give in Charity's name, I pray. 1349 Give in the name of the Church. O give, 1350 Give that her holy sons may live!" 1351 And Death replied, 1352 Smiling long and wide: 1353 "I'll give, holy father, I'll give thee -- a ride." 1354 1355 With a rattle and bang 1356 Of his bones, he sprang 1357 From his famous Pale Horse, with his spear; 1358 By the neck and the foot 1359 Seized the fellow, and put 1360 Him astride with his face to the rear. 1361 1362 The Monarch laughed loud with a sound that fell 1363 Like clods on the coffin's sounding shell: 1364 "Ho, ho! A beggar on horseback, they say, 1365 Will ride to the devil!" -- and _thump_ 1366 Fell the flat of his dart on the rump 1367 Of the charger, which galloped away. 1368 1369 Faster and faster and faster it flew, 1370 Till the rocks and the flocks and the trees that grew 1371 By the road were dim and blended and blue 1372 To the wild, wild eyes 1373 Of the rider -- in size 1374 Resembling a couple of blackberry pies. 1375 Death laughed again, as a tomb might laugh 1376 At a burial service spoiled, 1377 And the mourners' intentions foiled 1378 By the body erecting 1379 Its head and objecting 1380 To further proceedings in its behalf. 1381 1382 Many a year and many a day 1383 Have passed since these events away. 1384 The monk has long been a dusty corse, 1385 And Death has never recovered his horse. 1386 For the friar got hold of its tail, 1387 And steered it within the pale 1388 Of the monastery gray, 1389 Where the beast was stabled and fed 1390 With barley and oil and bread 1391 Till fatter it grew than the fattest friar, 1392 And so in due course was appointed Prior. 1393 G.J. 1394 1395 1396** CARNIVOROUS 1397 1398CARNIVOROUS, adj. Addicted to the cruelty of devouring the timorous 1399vegetarian, his heirs and assigns. 1400 1401 1402** CARTESIAN 1403 1404CARTESIAN, adj. Relating to Descartes, a famous philosopher, author 1405of the celebrated dictum, _Cogito ergo sum_ -- whereby he was pleased 1406to suppose he demonstrated the reality of human existence. The dictum 1407might be improved, however, thus: _Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum_ -- 1408"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am;" as close an 1409approach to certainty as any philosopher has yet made. 1410 1411 1412** CAT 1413 1414CAT, n. A soft, indestructible automaton provided by nature to be 1415kicked when things go wrong in the domestic circle. 1416 1417 This is a dog, 1418 This is a cat. 1419 This is a frog, 1420 This is a rat. 1421 Run, dog, mew, cat. 1422 Jump, frog, gnaw, rat. 1423 Elevenson 1424 1425 1426** CAVILER 1427 1428CAVILER, n. A critic of our own work. 1429 1430 1431** CEMETERY 1432 1433CEMETERY, n. An isolated suburban spot where mourners match lies, 1434poets write at a target and stone-cutters spell for a wager. The 1435inscriptions following will serve to illustrate the success attained 1436in these Olympian games: 1437 1438 His virtues were so conspicuous that his enemies, unable to 1439 overlook them, denied them, and his friends, to whose loose lives 1440 they were a rebuke, represented them as vices. They are here 1441 commemorated by his family, who shared them. 1442 1443 In the earth we here prepare a 1444 Place to lay our little Clara. 1445 Thomas M. and Mary Frazer 1446 P.S. -- Gabriel will raise her. 1447 1448 1449** CENTAUR 1450 1451CENTAUR, n. One of a race of persons who lived before the division of 1452labor had been carried to such a pitch of differentiation, and who 1453followed the primitive economic maxim, "Every man his own horse." The 1454best of the lot was Chiron, who to the wisdom and virtues of the horse 1455added the fleetness of man. The scripture story of the head of John 1456the Baptist on a charger shows that pagan myths have somewhat 1457sophisticated sacred history. 1458 1459 1460** CERBERUS 1461 1462CERBERUS, n. The watch-dog of Hades, whose duty it was to guard the 1463entrance -- against whom or what does not clearly appear; everybody, 1464sooner or later, had to go there, and nobody wanted to carry off the 1465entrance. Cerberus is known to have had three heads, and some of the 1466poets have credited him with as many as a hundred. Professor 1467Graybill, whose clerky erudition and profound knowledge of Greek give 1468his opinion great weight, has averaged all the estimates, and makes 1469the number twenty-seven -- a judgment that would be entirely 1470conclusive is Professor Graybill had known (a) something about dogs, 1471and (b) something about arithmetic. 1472 1473 1474** CHILDHOOD 1475 1476CHILDHOOD, n. The period of human life intermediate between the 1477idiocy of infancy and the folly of youth -- two removes from the sin 1478of manhood and three from the remorse of age. 1479 1480 1481** CHRISTIAN 1482 1483CHRISTIAN, n. One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely 1484inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. 1485One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not 1486inconsistent with a life of sin. 1487 1488 I dreamed I stood upon a hill, and, lo! 1489 The godly multitudes walked to and fro 1490 Beneath, in Sabbath garments fitly clad, 1491 With pious mien, appropriately sad, 1492 While all the church bells made a solemn din -- 1493 A fire-alarm to those who lived in sin. 1494 Then saw I gazing thoughtfully below, 1495 With tranquil face, upon that holy show 1496 A tall, spare figure in a robe of white, 1497 Whose eyes diffused a melancholy light. 1498 "God keep you, strange," I exclaimed. "You are 1499 No doubt (your habit shows it) from afar; 1500 And yet I entertain the hope that you, 1501 Like these good people, are a Christian too." 1502 He raised his eyes and with a look so stern 1503 It made me with a thousand blushes burn 1504 Replied -- his manner with disdain was spiced: 1505 "What! I a Christian? No, indeed! I'm Christ." 1506 G.J. 1507 1508 1509** CIRCUS 1510 1511CIRCUS, n. A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted 1512to see men, women and children acting the fool. 1513 1514 1515** CLAIRVOYANT 1516 1517CLAIRVOYANT, n. A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of 1518seeing that which is invisible to her patron, namely, that he is a 1519blockhead. 1520 1521 1522** CLARIONET 1523 1524CLARIONET, n. An instrument of torture operated by a person with 1525cotton in his ears. There are two instruments that are worse than a 1526clarionet -- two clarionets. 1527 1528 1529** CLERGYMAN 1530 1531CLERGYMAN, n. A man who undertakes the management of our spiritual 1532affairs as a method of better his temporal ones. 1533 1534 1535** CLIO 1536 1537CLIO, n. One of the nine Muses. Clio's function was to preside over 1538history -- which she did with great dignity, many of the prominent 1539citizens of Athens occupying seats on the platform, the meetings being 1540addressed by Messrs. Xenophon, Herodotus and other popular speakers. 1541 1542 1543** CLOCK 1544 1545CLOCK, n. A machine of great moral value to man, allaying his concern 1546for the future by reminding him what a lot of time remains to him. 1547 1548 A busy man complained one day: 1549 "I get no time!" "What's that you say?" 1550 Cried out his friend, a lazy quiz; 1551 "You have, sir, all the time there is. 1552 There's plenty, too, and don't you doubt it -- 1553 We're never for an hour without it." 1554 Purzil Crofe 1555 1556 1557** CLOSE-FISTED 1558 1559CLOSE-FISTED, adj. Unduly desirous of keeping that which many 1560meritorious persons wish to obtain. 1561 1562 "Close-fisted Scotchman!" Johnson cried 1563 To thrifty J. Macpherson; 1564 "See me -- I'm ready to divide 1565 With any worthy person." 1566 Sad Jamie: "That is very true -- 1567 The boast requires no backing; 1568 And all are worthy, sir, to you, 1569 Who have what you are lacking." 1570 Anita M. Bobe 1571 1572 1573** COENOBITE 1574 1575COENOBITE, n. A man who piously shuts himself up to meditate upon the 1576sin of wickedness; and to keep it fresh in his mind joins a 1577brotherhood of awful examples. 1578 1579 O Coenobite, O coenobite, 1580 Monastical gregarian, 1581 You differ from the anchorite, 1582 That solitudinarian: 1583 With vollied prayers you wound Old Nick; 1584 With dropping shots he makes him sick. 1585 Quincy Giles 1586 1587 1588** COMFORT 1589 1590COMFORT, n. A state of mind produced by contemplation of a neighbor's 1591uneasiness. 1592 1593 1594** COMMENDATION 1595 1596COMMENDATION, n. The tribute that we pay to achievements that 1597resembles, but do not equal, our own. 1598 1599 1600** COMMERCE 1601 1602COMMERCE, n. A kind of transaction in which A plunders from B the 1603goods of C, and for compensation B picks the pocket of D of money 1604belonging to E. 1605 1606 1607** COMMONWEALTH 1608 1609COMMONWEALTH, n. An administrative entity operated by an incalculable 1610multitude of political parasites, logically active but fortuitously 1611efficient. 1612 1613 This commonwealth's capitol's corridors view, 1614 So thronged with a hungry and indolent crew 1615 Of clerks, pages, porters and all attaches 1616 Whom rascals appoint and the populace pays 1617 That a cat cannot slip through the thicket of shins 1618 Nor hear its own shriek for the noise of their chins. 1619 On clerks and on pages, and porters, and all, 1620 Misfortune attend and disaster befall! 1621 May life be to them a succession of hurts; 1622 May fleas by the bushel inhabit their shirts; 1623 May aches and diseases encamp in their bones, 1624 Their lungs full of tubercles, bladders of stones; 1625 May microbes, bacilli, their tissues infest, 1626 And tapeworms securely their bowels digest; 1627 May corn-cobs be snared without hope in their hair, 1628 And frequent impalement their pleasure impair. 1629 Disturbed be their dreams by the awful discourse 1630 Of audible sofas sepulchrally hoarse, 1631 By chairs acrobatic and wavering floors -- 1632 The mattress that kicks and the pillow that snores! 1633 Sons of cupidity, cradled in sin! 1634 Your criminal ranks may the death angel thin, 1635 Avenging the friend whom I couldn't work in. 1636 K.Q. 1637 1638 1639** COMPROMISE 1640 1641COMPROMISE, n. Such an adjustment of conflicting interests as gives 1642each adversary the satisfaction of thinking he has got what he ought 1643not to have, and is deprived of nothing except what was justly his 1644due. 1645 1646 1647** COMPULSION 1648 1649COMPULSION, n. The eloquence of power. 1650 1651 1652** CONDOLE 1653 1654CONDOLE, v.i. To show that bereavement is a smaller evil than 1655sympathy. 1656 1657 1658** CONFIDANT 1659 1660CONFIDANT, CONFIDANTE, n. One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, 1661confided by _him_ to C. 1662 1663 1664** CONGRATULATION 1665 1666CONGRATULATION, n. The civility of envy. 1667 1668 1669** CONGRESS 1670 1671CONGRESS, n. A body of men who meet to repeal laws. 1672 1673 1674** CONNOISSEUR 1675 1676CONNOISSEUR, n. A specialist who knows everything about something and 1677nothing about anything else. 1678 An old wine-bibber having been smashed in a railway collision, 1679some wine was pouted on his lips to revive him. "Pauillac, 1873," he 1680murmured and died. 1681 1682 1683** CONSERVATIVE 1684 1685CONSERVATIVE, n. A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as 1686distinguished from the Liberal, who wishes to replace them with 1687others. 1688 1689 1690** CONSOLATION 1691 1692CONSOLATION, n. The knowledge that a better man is more unfortunate 1693than yourself. 1694 1695 1696** CONSUL 1697 1698CONSUL, n. In American politics, a person who having failed to secure 1699and office from the people is given one by the Administration on 1700condition that he leave the country. 1701 1702 1703** CONSULT 1704 1705CONSULT, v.i. To seek another's disapproval of a course already 1706decided on. 1707 1708 1709** CONTEMPT 1710 1711CONTEMPT, n. The feeling of a prudent man for an enemy who is too 1712formidable safely to be opposed. 1713 1714 1715** CONTROVERSY 1716 1717CONTROVERSY, n. A battle in which spittle or ink replaces the 1718injurious cannon-ball and the inconsiderate bayonet. 1719 1720 In controversy with the facile tongue -- 1721 That bloodless warfare of the old and young -- 1722 So seek your adversary to engage 1723 That on himself he shall exhaust his rage, 1724 And, like a snake that's fastened to the ground, 1725 With his own fangs inflict the fatal wound. 1726 You ask me how this miracle is done? 1727 Adopt his own opinions, one by one, 1728 And taunt him to refute them; in his wrath 1729 He'll sweep them pitilessly from his path. 1730 Advance then gently all you wish to prove, 1731 Each proposition prefaced with, "As you've 1732 So well remarked," or, "As you wisely say, 1733 And I cannot dispute," or, "By the way, 1734 This view of it which, better far expressed, 1735 Runs through your argument." Then leave the rest 1736 To him, secure that he'll perform his trust 1737 And prove your views intelligent and just. 1738 Conmore Apel Brune 1739 1740 1741** CONVENT 1742 1743CONVENT, n. A place of retirement for woman who wish for leisure to 1744meditate upon the vice of idleness. 1745 1746 1747** CONVERSATION 1748 1749CONVERSATION, n. A fair to the display of the minor mental 1750commodities, each exhibitor being too intent upon the arrangement of 1751his own wares to observe those of his neighbor. 1752 1753 1754** CORONATION 1755 1756CORONATION, n. The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward 1757and visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a 1758dynamite bomb. 1759 1760 1761** CORPORAL 1762 1763CORPORAL, n. A man who occupies the lowest rung of the military 1764ladder. 1765 1766 Fiercely the battle raged and, sad to tell, 1767 Our corporal heroically fell! 1768 Fame from her height looked down upon the brawl 1769 And said: "He hadn't very far to fall." 1770 Giacomo Smith 1771 1772 1773** CORPORATION 1774 1775CORPORATION, n. An ingenious device for obtaining individual profit 1776without individual responsibility. 1777 1778 1779** CORSAIR 1780 1781CORSAIR, n. A politician of the seas. 1782 1783 1784** COURT FOOL 1785 1786COURT FOOL, n. The plaintiff. 1787 1788 1789** COWARD 1790 1791COWARD, n. One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. 1792 1793 1794** CRAYFISH 1795 1796CRAYFISH, n. A small crustacean very much resembling the lobster, but 1797less indigestible. 1798 1799 In this small fish I take it that human wisdom is admirably 1800 figured and symbolized; for whereas the crayfish doth move only 1801 backward, and can have only retrospection, seeing naught but the 1802 perils already passed, so the wisdom of man doth not enable him to 1803 avoid the follies that beset his course, but only to apprehend 1804 their nature afterward. 1805 Sir James Merivale 1806 1807 1808** CREDITOR 1809 1810CREDITOR, n. One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial 1811Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions. 1812 1813 1814** CREMONA 1815 1816CREMONA, n. A high-priced violin made in Connecticut. 1817 1818 1819** CRITIC 1820 1821CRITIC, n. A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody 1822tries to please him. 1823 1824 There is a land of pure delight, 1825 Beyond the Jordan's flood, 1826 Where saints, apparelled all in white, 1827 Fling back the critic's mud. 1828 1829 And as he legs it through the skies, 1830 His pelt a sable hue, 1831 He sorrows sore to recognize 1832 The missiles that he threw. 1833 Orrin Goof 1834 1835 1836** CROSS 1837 1838CROSS, n. An ancient religious symbol erroneously supposed to owe its 1839significance to the most solemn event in the history of Christianity, 1840but really antedating it by thousands of years. By many it has been 1841believed to be identical with the _crux ansata_ of the ancient phallic 1842worship, but it has been traced even beyond all that we know of that, 1843to the rites of primitive peoples. We have to-day the White Cross as 1844a symbol of chastity, and the Red Cross as a badge of benevolent 1845neutrality in war. Having in mind the former, the reverend Father 1846Gassalasca Jape smites the lyre to the effect following: 1847 1848 "Be good, be good!" the sisterhood 1849 Cry out in holy chorus, 1850 And, to dissuade from sin, parade 1851 Their various charms before us. 1852 1853 But why, O why, has ne'er an eye 1854 Seen her of winsome manner 1855 And youthful grace and pretty face 1856 Flaunting the White Cross banner? 1857 1858 Now where's the need of speech and screed 1859 To better our behaving? 1860 A simpler plan for saving man 1861 (But, first, is he worth saving?) 1862 1863 Is, dears, when he declines to flee 1864 From bad thoughts that beset him, 1865 Ignores the Law as 't were a straw, 1866 And wants to sin -- don't let him. 1867 1868 1869** CUI 1870 1871CUI :BONO:? [Latin] What good would that do _me_? 1872 1873 1874** CUNNING 1875 1876CUNNING, n. The faculty that distinguishes a weak animal or person 1877from a strong one. It brings its possessor much mental satisfaction 1878and great material adversity. An Italian proverb says: "The furrier 1879gets the skins of more foxes than asses." 1880 1881 1882** CUPID 1883 1884CUPID, n. The so-called god of love. This bastard creation of a 1885barbarous fancy was no doubt inflicted upon mythology for the sins of 1886its deities. Of all unbeautiful and inappropriate conceptions this is 1887the most reasonless and offensive. The notion of symbolizing sexual 1888love by a semisexless babe, and comparing the pains of passion to the 1889wounds of an arrow -- of introducing this pudgy homunculus into art 1890grossly to materialize the subtle spirit and suggestion of the work -- 1891this is eminently worthy of the age that, giving it birth, laid it on 1892the doorstep of prosperity. 1893 1894 1895** CURIOSITY 1896 1897CURIOSITY, n. An objectionable quality of the female mind. The 1898desire to know whether or not a woman is cursed with curiosity is one 1899of the most active and insatiable passions of the masculine soul. 1900 1901 1902** CURSE 1903 1904CURSE, v.t. Energetically to belabor with a verbal slap-stick. This 1905is an operation which in literature, particularly in the drama, is 1906commonly fatal to the victim. Nevertheless, the liability to a 1907cursing is a risk that cuts but a small figure in fixing the rates of 1908life insurance. 1909 1910 1911** CYNIC 1912 1913CYNIC, n. A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, 1914not as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of 1915plucking out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. 1916 1917 1918 D 1919 1920 1921 1922** DAMN 1923 1924DAMN, v. A word formerly much used by the Paphlagonians, the meaning 1925of which is lost. By the learned Dr. Dolabelly Gak it is believed to 1926have been a term of satisfaction, implying the highest possible degree 1927of mental tranquillity. Professor Groke, on the contrary, thinks it 1928expressed an emotion of tumultuous delight, because it so frequently 1929occurs in combination with the word _jod_ or _god_, meaning "joy." It 1930would be with great diffidence that I should advance an opinion 1931conflicting with that of either of these formidable authorities. 1932 1933 1934** DANCE 1935 1936DANCE, v.i. To leap about to the sound of tittering music, preferably 1937with arms about your neighbor's wife or daughter. There are many 1938kinds of dances, but all those requiring the participation of the two 1939sexes have two characteristics in common: they are conspicuously 1940innocent, and warmly loved by the vicious. 1941 1942 1943** DANGER 1944 1945DANGER, n. 1946 1947 A savage beast which, when it sleeps, 1948 Man girds at and despises, 1949 But takes himself away by leaps 1950 And bounds when it arises. 1951 Ambat Delaso 1952 1953 1954** DARING 1955 1956DARING, n. One of the most conspicuous qualities of a man in 1957security. 1958 1959 1960** DATARY 1961 1962DATARY, n. A high ecclesiastic official of the Roman Catholic Church, 1963whose important function is to brand the Pope's bulls with the words 1964_Datum Romae_. He enjoys a princely revenue and the friendship of 1965God. 1966 1967 1968** DAWN 1969 1970DAWN, n. The time when men of reason go to bed. Certain old men 1971prefer to rise at about that time, taking a cold bath and a long walk 1972with an empty stomach, and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then 1973point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy 1974health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, 1975not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find 1976only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the 1977others who have tried it. 1978 1979 1980** DAY 1981 1982DAY, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent. This period 1983is divided into two parts, the day proper and the night, or day 1984improper -- the former devoted to sins of business, the latter 1985consecrated to the other sort. These two kinds of social activity 1986overlap. 1987 1988 1989** DEAD 1990 1991DEAD, adj. 1992 1993 Done with the work of breathing; done 1994 With all the world; the mad race run 1995 Though to the end; the golden goal 1996 Attained and found to be a hole! 1997 Squatol Johnes 1998 1999 2000** DEBAUCHEE 2001 2002DEBAUCHEE, n. One who has so earnestly pursued pleasure that he has 2003had the misfortune to overtake it. 2004 2005 2006** DEBT 2007 2008DEBT, n. An ingenious substitute for the chain and whip of the slave- 2009driver. 2010 2011 As, pent in an aquarium, the troutlet 2012 Swims round and round his tank to find an outlet, 2013 Pressing his nose against the glass that holds him, 2014 Nor ever sees the prison that enfolds him; 2015 So the poor debtor, seeing naught around him, 2016 Yet feels the narrow limits that impound him, 2017 Grieves at his debt and studies to evade it, 2018 And finds at last he might as well have paid it. 2019 Barlow S. Vode 2020 2021 2022** DECALOGUE 2023 2024DECALOGUE, n. A series of commandments, ten in number -- just enough 2025to permit an intelligent selection for observance, but not enough to 2026embarrass the choice. Following is the revised edition of the 2027Decalogue, calculated for this meridian. 2028 2029 Thou shalt no God but me adore: 2030 'Twere too expensive to have more. 2031 2032 No images nor idols make 2033 For Robert Ingersoll to break. 2034 2035 Take not God's name in vain; select 2036 A time when it will have effect. 2037 2038 Work not on Sabbath days at all, 2039 But go to see the teams play ball. 2040 2041 Honor thy parents. That creates 2042 For life insurance lower rates. 2043 2044 Kill not, abet not those who kill; 2045 Thou shalt not pay thy butcher's bill. 2046 2047 Kiss not thy neighbor's wife, unless 2048 Thine own thy neighbor doth caress 2049 2050 Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete 2051 Successfully in business. Cheat. 2052 2053 Bear not false witness -- that is low -- 2054 But "hear 'tis rumored so and so." 2055 2056 Cover thou naught that thou hast not 2057 By hook or crook, or somehow, got. 2058 G.J. 2059 2060 2061** DECIDE 2062 2063DECIDE, v.i. To succumb to the preponderance of one set of influences 2064over another set. 2065 2066 A leaf was riven from a tree, 2067 "I mean to fall to earth," said he. 2068 2069 The west wind, rising, made him veer. 2070 "Eastward," said he, "I now shall steer." 2071 2072 The east wind rose with greater force. 2073 Said he: "'Twere wise to change my course." 2074 2075 With equal power they contend. 2076 He said: "My judgment I suspend." 2077 2078 Down died the winds; the leaf, elate, 2079 Cried: "I've decided to fall straight." 2080 2081 "First thoughts are best?" That's not the moral; 2082 Just choose your own and we'll not quarrel. 2083 2084 Howe'er your choice may chance to fall, 2085 You'll have no hand in it at all. 2086 G.J. 2087 2088 2089** DEFAME 2090 2091DEFAME, v.t. To lie about another. To tell the truth about another. 2092 2093 2094** DEFENCELESS 2095 2096DEFENCELESS, adj. Unable to attack. 2097 2098 2099** DEGENERATE 2100 2101DEGENERATE, adj. Less conspicuously admirable than one's ancestors. 2102The contemporaries of Homer were striking examples of degeneracy; it 2103required ten of them to raise a rock or a riot that one of the heroes 2104of the Trojan war could have raised with ease. Homer never tires of 2105sneering at "men who live in these degenerate days," which is perhaps 2106why they suffered him to beg his bread -- a marked instance of 2107returning good for evil, by the way, for if they had forbidden him he 2108would certainly have starved. 2109 2110 2111** DEGRADATION 2112 2113DEGRADATION, n. One of the stages of moral and social progress from 2114private station to political preferment. 2115 2116 2117** DEINOTHERIUM 2118 2119DEINOTHERIUM, n. An extinct pachyderm that flourished when the 2120Pterodactyl was in fashion. The latter was a native of Ireland, its 2121name being pronounced Terry Dactyl or Peter O'Dactyl, as the man 2122pronouncing it may chance to have heard it spoken or seen it printed. 2123 2124 2125** DEJEUNER 2126 2127DEJEUNER, n. The breakfast of an American who has been in Paris. 2128Variously pronounced. 2129 2130 2131** DELEGATION 2132 2133DELEGATION, n. In American politics, an article of merchandise that 2134comes in sets. 2135 2136 2137** DELIBERATION 2138 2139DELIBERATION, n. The act of examining one's bread to determine which 2140side it is buttered on. 2141 2142 2143** DELUGE 2144 2145DELUGE, n. A notable first experiment in baptism which washed away 2146the sins (and sinners) of the world. 2147 2148 2149** DELUSION 2150 2151DELUSION, n. The father of a most respectable family, comprising 2152Enthusiasm, Affection, Self-denial, Faith, Hope, Charity and many 2153other goodly sons and daughters. 2154 2155 All hail, Delusion! Were it not for thee 2156 The world turned topsy-turvy we should see; 2157 For Vice, respectable with cleanly fancies, 2158 Would fly abandoned Virtue's gross advances. 2159 Mumfrey Mappel 2160 2161 2162** DENTIST 2163 2164DENTIST, n. A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, 2165pulls coins out of your pocket. 2166 2167 2168** DEPENDENT 2169 2170DEPENDENT, adj. Reliant upon another's generosity for the support 2171which you are not in a position to exact from his fears. 2172 2173 2174** DEPUTY 2175 2176DEPUTY, n. A male relative of an office-holder, or of his bondsman. 2177The deputy is commonly a beautiful young man, with a red necktie and 2178an intricate system of cobwebs extending from his nose to his desk. 2179When accidentally struck by the janitor's broom, he gives off a cloud 2180of dust. 2181 2182 "Chief Deputy," the Master cried, 2183 "To-day the books are to be tried 2184 By experts and accountants who 2185 Have been commissioned to go through 2186 Our office here, to see if we 2187 Have stolen injudiciously. 2188 Please have the proper entries made, 2189 The proper balances displayed, 2190 Conforming to the whole amount 2191 Of cash on hand -- which they will count. 2192 I've long admired your punctual way -- 2193 Here at the break and close of day, 2194 Confronting in your chair the crowd 2195 Of business men, whose voices loud 2196 And gestures violent you quell 2197 By some mysterious, calm spell -- 2198 Some magic lurking in your look 2199 That brings the noisiest to book 2200 And spreads a holy and profound 2201 Tranquillity o'er all around. 2202 So orderly all's done that they 2203 Who came to draw remain to pay. 2204 But now the time demands, at last, 2205 That you employ your genius vast 2206 In energies more active. Rise 2207 And shake the lightnings from your eyes; 2208 Inspire your underlings, and fling 2209 Your spirit into everything!" 2210 The Master's hand here dealt a whack 2211 Upon the Deputy's bent back, 2212 When straightway to the floor there fell 2213 A shrunken globe, a rattling shell 2214 A blackened, withered, eyeless head! 2215 The man had been a twelvemonth dead. 2216 Jamrach Holobom 2217 2218 2219** DESTINY 2220 2221DESTINY, n. A tyrant's authority for crime and fool's excuse for 2222failure. 2223 2224 2225** DIAGNOSIS 2226 2227DIAGNOSIS, n. A physician's forecast of the disease by the patient's 2228pulse and purse. 2229 2230 2231** DIAPHRAGM 2232 2233DIAPHRAGM, n. A muscular partition separating disorders of the chest 2234from disorders of the bowels. 2235 2236 2237** DIARY 2238 2239DIARY, n. A daily record of that part of one's life, which he can 2240relate to himself without blushing. 2241 2242 Hearst kept a diary wherein were writ 2243 All that he had of wisdom and of wit. 2244 So the Recording Angel, when Hearst died, 2245 Erased all entries of his own and cried: 2246 "I'll judge you by your diary." Said Hearst: 2247 "Thank you; 'twill show you I am Saint the First" -- 2248 Straightway producing, jubilant and proud, 2249 That record from a pocket in his shroud. 2250 The Angel slowly turned the pages o'er, 2251 Each stupid line of which he knew before, 2252 Glooming and gleaming as by turns he hit 2253 On Shallow sentiment and stolen wit; 2254 Then gravely closed the book and gave it back. 2255 "My friend, you've wandered from your proper track: 2256 You'd never be content this side the tomb -- 2257 For big ideas Heaven has little room, 2258 And Hell's no latitude for making mirth," 2259 He said, and kicked the fellow back to earth. 2260 "The Mad Philosopher" 2261 2262 2263** DICTATOR 2264 2265DICTATOR, n. The chief of a nation that prefers the pestilence of 2266despotism to the plague of anarchy. 2267 2268 2269** DICTIONARY 2270 2271DICTIONARY, n. A malevolent literary device for cramping the growth 2272of a language and making it hard and inelastic. This dictionary, 2273however, is a most useful work. 2274 2275 2276** DIE 2277 2278DIE, n. The singular of "dice." We seldom hear the word, because 2279there is a prohibitory proverb, "Never say die." At long intervals, 2280however, some one says: "The die is cast," which is not true, for it 2281is cut. The word is found in an immortal couplet by that eminent poet 2282and domestic economist, Senator Depew: 2283 2284 A cube of cheese no larger than a die 2285 May bait the trap to catch a nibbling mie. 2286 2287 2288** DIGESTION 2289 2290DIGESTION, n. The conversion of victuals into virtues. When the 2291process is imperfect, vices are evolved instead -- a circumstance from 2292which that wicked writer, Dr. Jeremiah Blenn, infers that the ladies 2293are the greater sufferers from dyspepsia. 2294 2295 2296** DIPLOMACY 2297 2298DIPLOMACY, n. The patriotic art of lying for one's country. 2299 2300 2301** DISABUSE 2302 2303DISABUSE, v.t. The present your neighbor with another and better 2304error than the one which he has deemed it advantageous to embrace. 2305 2306 2307** DISCRIMINATE 2308 2309DISCRIMINATE, v.i. To note the particulars in which one person or 2310thing is, if possible, more objectionable than another. 2311 2312 2313** DISCUSSION 2314 2315DISCUSSION, n. A method of confirming others in their errors. 2316 2317 2318** DISOBEDIENCE 2319 2320DISOBEDIENCE, n. The silver lining to the cloud of servitude. 2321 2322 2323** DISOBEY 2324 2325DISOBEY, v.t. To celebrate with an appropriate ceremony the maturity 2326of a command. 2327 2328 His right to govern me is clear as day, 2329 My duty manifest to disobey; 2330 And if that fit observance e'er I shut 2331 May I and duty be alike undone. 2332 Israfel Brown 2333 2334 2335** DISSEMBLE 2336 2337DISSEMBLE, v.i. To put a clean shirt upon the character. 2338 2339 Let us dissemble. 2340 Adam 2341 2342 2343** DISTANCE 2344 2345DISTANCE, n. The only thing that the rich are willing for the poor to 2346call theirs, and keep. 2347 2348 2349** DISTRESS 2350 2351DISTRESS, n. A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a 2352friend. 2353 2354 2355** DIVINATION 2356 2357DIVINATION, n. The art of nosing out the occult. Divination is of as 2358many kinds as there are fruit-bearing varieties of the flowering dunce 2359and the early fool. 2360 2361 2362** DOG 2363 2364DOG, n. A kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed to catch 2365the overflow and surplus of the world's worship. This Divine Being in 2366some of his smaller and silkier incarnations takes, in the affection 2367of Woman, the place to which there is no human male aspirant. The Dog 2368is a survival -- an anachronism. He toils not, neither does he spin, 2369yet Solomon in all his glory never lay upon a door-mat all day long, 2370sun-soaked and fly-fed and fat, while his master worked for the means 2371wherewith to purchase the idle wag of the Solomonic tail, seasoned 2372with a look of tolerant recognition. 2373 2374 2375** DRAGOON 2376 2377DRAGOON, n. A soldier who combines dash and steadiness in so equal 2378measure that he makes his advances on foot and his retreats on 2379horseback. 2380 2381 2382** DRAMATIST 2383 2384DRAMATIST, n. One who adapts plays from the French. 2385 2386 2387** DRUIDS 2388 2389DRUIDS, n. Priests and ministers of an ancient Celtic religion which 2390did not disdain to employ the humble allurement of human sacrifice. 2391Very little is now known about the Druids and their faith. Pliny says 2392their religion, originating in Britain, spread eastward as far as 2393Persia. Caesar says those who desired to study its mysteries went to 2394Britain. Caesar himself went to Britain, but does not appear to have 2395obtained any high preferment in the Druidical Church, although his 2396talent for human sacrifice was considerable. 2397 Druids performed their religious rites in groves, and knew nothing 2398of church mortgages and the season-ticket system of pew rents. They 2399were, in short, heathens and -- as they were once complacently 2400catalogued by a distinguished prelate of the Church of England -- 2401Dissenters. 2402 2403 2404** DUCK-BILL 2405 2406DUCK-BILL, n. Your account at your restaurant during the canvas-back 2407season. 2408 2409 2410** DUEL 2411 2412DUEL, n. A formal ceremony preliminary to the reconciliation of two 2413enemies. Great skill is necessary to its satisfactory observance; if 2414awkwardly performed the most unexpected and deplorable consequences 2415sometimes ensue. A long time ago a man lost his life in a duel. 2416 2417 That dueling's a gentlemanly vice 2418 I hold; and wish that it had been my lot 2419 To live my life out in some favored spot -- 2420 Some country where it is considered nice 2421 To split a rival like a fish, or slice 2422 A husband like a spud, or with a shot 2423 Bring down a debtor doubled in a knot 2424 And ready to be put upon the ice. 2425 Some miscreants there are, whom I do long 2426 To shoot, to stab, or some such way reclaim 2427 The scurvy rogues to better lives and manners, 2428 I seem to see them now -- a mighty throng. 2429 It looks as if to challenge _me_ they came, 2430 Jauntily marching with brass bands and banners! 2431 Xamba Q. Dar 2432 2433 2434** DULLARD 2435 2436DULLARD, n. A member of the reigning dynasty in letters and life. 2437The Dullards came in with Adam, and being both numerous and sturdy 2438have overrun the habitable world. The secret of their power is their 2439insensibility to blows; tickle them with a bludgeon and they laugh 2440with a platitude. The Dullards came originally from Boeotia, whence 2441they were driven by stress of starvation, their dullness having 2442blighted the crops. For some centuries they infested Philistia, and 2443many of them are called Philistines to this day. In the turbulent 2444times of the Crusades they withdrew thence and gradually overspread 2445all Europe, occupying most of the high places in politics, art, 2446literature, science and theology. Since a detachment of Dullards came 2447over with the Pilgrims in the _Mayflower_ and made a favorable report 2448of the country, their increase by birth, immigration, and conversion 2449has been rapid and steady. According to the most trustworthy 2450statistics the number of adult Dullards in the United States is but 2451little short of thirty millions, including the statisticians. The 2452intellectual centre of the race is somewhere about Peoria, Illinois, 2453but the New England Dullard is the most shockingly moral. 2454 2455 2456** DUTY 2457 2458DUTY, n. That which sternly impels us in the direction of profit, 2459along the line of desire. 2460 2461 Sir Lavender Portwine, in favor at court, 2462 Was wroth at his master, who'd kissed Lady Port. 2463 His anger provoked him to take the king's head, 2464 But duty prevailed, and he took the king's bread, 2465 Instead. 2466 G.J. 2467 2468 2469 E 2470 2471 2472 2473** EAT 2474 2475EAT, v.i. To perform successively (and successfully) the functions of 2476mastication, humectation, and deglutition. 2477 "I was in the drawing-room, enjoying my dinner," said Brillat- 2478Savarin, beginning an anecdote. "What!" interrupted Rochebriant; 2479"eating dinner in a drawing-room?" "I must beg you to observe, 2480monsieur," explained the great gastronome, "that I did not say I was 2481eating my dinner, but enjoying it. I had dined an hour before." 2482 2483 2484** EAVESDROP 2485 2486EAVESDROP, v.i. Secretly to overhear a catalogue of the crimes and 2487vices of another or yourself. 2488 2489 A lady with one of her ears applied 2490 To an open keyhole heard, inside, 2491 Two female gossips in converse free -- 2492 The subject engaging them was she. 2493 "I think," said one, "and my husband thinks 2494 That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" 2495 As soon as no more of it she could hear 2496 The lady, indignant, removed her ear. 2497 "I will not stay," she said, with a pout, 2498 "To hear my character lied about!" 2499 Gopete Sherany 2500 2501 2502** ECCENTRICITY 2503 2504ECCENTRICITY, n. A method of distinction so cheap that fools employ 2505it to accentuate their incapacity. 2506 2507 2508** ECONOMY 2509 2510ECONOMY, n. Purchasing the barrel of whiskey that you do not need for 2511the price of the cow that you cannot afford. 2512 2513 2514** EDIBLE 2515 2516EDIBLE, adj. Good to eat, and wholesome to digest, as a worm to a 2517toad, a toad to a snake, a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man 2518to a worm. 2519 2520 2521** EDITOR 2522 2523EDITOR, n. A person who combines the judicial functions of Minos, 2524Rhadamanthus and Aeacus, but is placable with an obolus; a severely 2525virtuous censor, but so charitable withal that he tolerates the 2526virtues of others and the vices of himself; who flings about him the 2527splintering lightning and sturdy thunders of admonition till he 2528resembles a bunch of firecrackers petulantly uttering his mind at the 2529tail of a dog; then straightway murmurs a mild, melodious lay, soft as 2530the cooing of a donkey intoning its prayer to the evening star. 2531Master of mysteries and lord of law, high-pinnacled upon the throne of 2532thought, his face suffused with the dim splendors of the 2533Transfiguration, his legs intertwisted and his tongue a-cheek, the 2534editor spills his will along the paper and cuts it off in lengths to 2535suit. And at intervals from behind the veil of the temple is heard 2536the voice of the foreman demanding three inches of wit and six lines 2537of religious meditation, or bidding him turn off the wisdom and whack 2538up some pathos. 2539 2540 O, the Lord of Law on the Throne of Thought, 2541 A gilded impostor is he. 2542 Of shreds and patches his robes are wrought, 2543 His crown is brass, 2544 Himself an ass, 2545 And his power is fiddle-dee-dee. 2546 Prankily, crankily prating of naught, 2547 Silly old quilly old Monarch of Thought. 2548 Public opinion's camp-follower he, 2549 Thundering, blundering, plundering free. 2550 Affected, 2551 Ungracious, 2552 Suspected, 2553 Mendacious, 2554 Respected contemporaree! 2555 J.H. Bumbleshook 2556 2557 2558** EDUCATION 2559 2560EDUCATION, n. That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the 2561foolish their lack of understanding. 2562 2563 2564** EFFECT 2565 2566EFFECT, n. The second of two phenomena which always occur together in 2567the same order. The first, called a Cause, is said to generate the 2568other -- which is no more sensible than it would be for one who has 2569never seen a dog except in the pursuit of a rabbit to declare the 2570rabbit the cause of a dog. 2571 2572 2573** EGOTIST 2574 2575EGOTIST, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in 2576me. 2577 2578 Megaceph, chosen to serve the State 2579 In the halls of legislative debate, 2580 One day with all his credentials came 2581 To the capitol's door and announced his name. 2582 The doorkeeper looked, with a comical twist 2583 Of the face, at the eminent egotist, 2584 And said: "Go away, for we settle here 2585 All manner of questions, knotty and queer, 2586 And we cannot have, when the speaker demands 2587 To be told how every member stands, 2588 A man who to all things under the sky 2589 Assents by eternally voting 'I'." 2590 2591 2592** EJECTION 2593 2594EJECTION, n. An approved remedy for the disease of garrulity. It is 2595also much used in cases of extreme poverty. 2596 2597 2598** ELECTOR 2599 2600ELECTOR, n. One who enjoys the sacred privilege of voting for the man 2601of another man's choice. 2602 2603 2604** ELECTRICITY 2605 2606ELECTRICITY, n. The power that causes all natural phenomena not known 2607to be caused by something else. It is the same thing as lightning, 2608and its famous attempt to strike Dr. Franklin is one of the most 2609picturesque incidents in that great and good man's career. The memory 2610of Dr. Franklin is justly held in great reverence, particularly in 2611France, where a waxen effigy of him was recently on exhibition, 2612bearing the following touching account of his life and services to 2613science: 2614 2615 "Monsieur Franqulin, inventor of electricity. This 2616 illustrious savant, after having made several voyages around the 2617 world, died on the Sandwich Islands and was devoured by savages, 2618 of whom not a single fragment was ever recovered." 2619 2620 Electricity seems destined to play a most important part in the 2621arts and industries. The question of its economical application to 2622some purposes is still unsettled, but experiment has already proved 2623that it will propel a street car better than a gas jet and give more 2624light than a horse. 2625 2626 2627** ELEGY 2628 2629ELEGY, n. A composition in verse, in which, without employing any of 2630the methods of humor, the writer aims to produce in the reader's mind 2631the dampest kind of dejection. The most famous English example begins 2632somewhat like this: 2633 2634 The cur foretells the knell of parting day; 2635 The loafing herd winds slowly o'er the lea; 2636 The wise man homeward plods; I only stay 2637 To fiddle-faddle in a minor key. 2638 2639 2640** ELOQUENCE 2641 2642ELOQUENCE, n. The art of orally persuading fools that white is the 2643color that it appears to be. It includes the gift of making any color 2644appear white. 2645 2646 2647** ELYSIUM 2648 2649ELYSIUM, n. An imaginary delightful country which the ancients 2650foolishly believed to be inhabited by the spirits of the good. This 2651ridiculous and mischievous fable was swept off the face of the earth 2652by the early Christians -- may their souls be happy in Heaven! 2653 2654 2655** EMANCIPATION 2656 2657EMANCIPATION, n. A bondman's change from the tyranny of another to 2658the despotism of himself. 2659 2660 He was a slave: at word he went and came; 2661 His iron collar cut him to the bone. 2662 Then Liberty erased his owner's name, 2663 Tightened the rivets and inscribed his own. 2664 G.J. 2665 2666 2667** EMBALM 2668 2669EMBALM, v.i. To cheat vegetation by locking up the gases upon which 2670it feeds. By embalming their dead and thereby deranging the natural 2671balance between animal and vegetable life, the Egyptians made their 2672once fertile and populous country barren and incapable of supporting 2673more than a meagre crew. The modern metallic burial casket is a step 2674in the same direction, and many a dead man who ought now to be 2675ornamenting his neighbor's lawn as a tree, or enriching his table as a 2676bunch of radishes, is doomed to a long inutility. We shall get him 2677after awhile if we are spared, but in the meantime the violet and rose 2678are languishing for a nibble at his _glutoeus maximus_. 2679 2680 2681** EMOTION 2682 2683EMOTION, n. A prostrating disease caused by a determination of the 2684heart to the head. It is sometimes accompanied by a copious discharge 2685of hydrated chloride of sodium from the eyes. 2686 2687 2688** ENCOMIAST 2689 2690ENCOMIAST, n. A special (but not particular) kind of liar. 2691 2692 2693** END 2694 2695END, n. The position farthest removed on either hand from the 2696Interlocutor. 2697 2698 The man was perishing apace 2699 Who played the tambourine; 2700 The seal of death was on his face -- 2701 'Twas pallid, for 'twas clean. 2702 2703 "This is the end," the sick man said 2704 In faint and failing tones. 2705 A moment later he was dead, 2706 And Tambourine was Bones. 2707 Tinley Roquot 2708 2709 2710** ENOUGH 2711 2712ENOUGH, pro. All there is in the world if you like it. 2713 2714 Enough is as good as a feast -- for that matter 2715 Enougher's as good as a feast for the platter. 2716 Arbely C. Strunk 2717 2718 2719** ENTERTAINMENT 2720 2721ENTERTAINMENT, n. Any kind of amusement whose inroads stop short of 2722death by injection. 2723 2724 2725** ENTHUSIASM 2726 2727ENTHUSIASM, n. A distemper of youth, curable by small doses of 2728repentance in connection with outward applications of experience. 2729Byron, who recovered long enough to call it "entuzy-muzy," had a 2730relapse, which carried him off -- to Missolonghi. 2731 2732 2733** ENVELOPE 2734 2735ENVELOPE, n. The coffin of a document; the scabbard of a bill; the 2736husk of a remittance; the bed-gown of a love-letter. 2737 2738 2739** ENVY 2740 2741ENVY, n. Emulation adapted to the meanest capacity. 2742 2743 2744** EPAULET 2745 2746EPAULET, n. An ornamented badge, serving to distinguish a military 2747officer from the enemy -- that is to say, from the officer of lower 2748rank to whom his death would give promotion. 2749 2750 2751** EPICURE 2752 2753EPICURE, n. An opponent of Epicurus, an abstemious philosopher who, 2754holding that pleasure should be the chief aim of man, wasted no time 2755in gratification from the senses. 2756 2757 2758** EPIGRAM 2759 2760EPIGRAM, n. A short, sharp saying in prose or verse, frequently 2761characterize by acidity or acerbity and sometimes by wisdom. 2762Following are some of the more notable epigrams of the learned and 2763ingenious Dr. Jamrach Holobom: 2764 2765 We know better the needs of ourselves than of others. To 2766 serve oneself is economy of administration. 2767 2768 In each human heart are a tiger, a pig, an ass and a 2769 nightingale. Diversity of character is due to their unequal 2770 activity. 2771 2772 There are three sexes; males, females and girls. 2773 2774 Beauty in women and distinction in men are alike in this: 2775 they seem to be the unthinking a kind of credibility. 2776 2777 Women in love are less ashamed than men. They have less to be 2778 ashamed of. 2779 2780 While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands 2781 you are safe, for you can watch both his. 2782 2783 2784** EPITAPH 2785 2786EPITAPH, n. An inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues acquired 2787by death have a retroactive effect. Following is a touching example: 2788 2789 Here lie the bones of Parson Platt, 2790 Wise, pious, humble and all that, 2791 Who showed us life as all should live it; 2792 Let that be said -- and God forgive it! 2793 2794 2795** ERUDITION 2796 2797ERUDITION, n. Dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull. 2798 2799 So wide his erudition's mighty span, 2800 He knew Creation's origin and plan 2801 And only came by accident to grief -- 2802 He thought, poor man, 'twas right to be a thief. 2803 Romach Pute 2804 2805 2806** ESOTERIC 2807 2808ESOTERIC, adj. Very particularly abstruse and consummately occult. 2809The ancient philosophies were of two kinds, -- _exoteric_, those that 2810the philosophers themselves could partly understand, and _esoteric_, 2811those that nobody could understand. It is the latter that have most 2812profoundly affected modern thought and found greatest acceptance in 2813our time. 2814 2815 2816** ETHNOLOGY 2817 2818ETHNOLOGY, n. The science that treats of the various tribes of Man, 2819as robbers, thieves, swindlers, dunces, lunatics, idiots and 2820ethnologists. 2821 2822 2823** EUCHARIST 2824 2825EUCHARIST, n. A sacred feast of the religious sect of Theophagi. 2826 A dispute once unhappily arose among the members of this sect as 2827to what it was that they ate. In this controversy some five hundred 2828thousand have already been slain, and the question is still unsettled. 2829 2830 2831** EULOGY 2832 2833EULOGY, n. Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth 2834and power, or the consideration to be dead. 2835 2836 2837** EVANGELIST 2838 2839EVANGELIST, n. A bearer of good tidings, particularly (in a religious 2840sense) such as assure us of our own salvation and the damnation of 2841our neighbors. 2842 2843 2844** EVERLASTING 2845 2846EVERLASTING, adj. Lasting forever. It is with no small diffidence 2847that I venture to offer this brief and elementary definition, for I am 2848not unaware of the existence of a bulky volume by a sometime Bishop of 2849Worcester, entitled, _A Partial Definition of the Word "Everlasting," 2850as Used in the Authorized Version of the Holy Scriptures_. His book 2851was once esteemed of great authority in the Anglican Church, and is 2852still, I understand, studied with pleasure to the mind and profit of 2853the soul. 2854 2855 2856** EXCEPTION 2857 2858EXCEPTION, n. A thing which takes the liberty to differ from other 2859things of its class, as an honest man, a truthful woman, etc. "The 2860exception proves the rule" is an expression constantly upon the lips 2861of the ignorant, who parrot it from one another with never a thought 2862of its absurdity. In the Latin, "_Exceptio probat regulam_" means 2863that the exception _tests_ the rule, puts it to the proof, not 2864_confirms_ it. The malefactor who drew the meaning from this 2865excellent dictum and substituted a contrary one of his own exerted an 2866evil power which appears to be immortal. 2867 2868 2869** EXCESS 2870 2871EXCESS, n. In morals, an indulgence that enforces by appropriate 2872penalties the law of moderation. 2873 2874 Hail, high Excess -- especially in wine, 2875 To thee in worship do I bend the knee 2876 Who preach abstemiousness unto me -- 2877 My skull thy pulpit, as my paunch thy shrine. 2878 Precept on precept, aye, and line on line, 2879 Could ne'er persuade so sweetly to agree 2880 With reason as thy touch, exact and free, 2881 Upon my forehead and along my spine. 2882 At thy command eschewing pleasure's cup, 2883 With the hot grape I warm no more my wit; 2884 When on thy stool of penitence I sit 2885 I'm quite converted, for I can't get up. 2886 Ungrateful he who afterward would falter 2887 To make new sacrifices at thine altar! 2888 2889 2890** EXCOMMUNICATION 2891 2892EXCOMMUNICATION, n. 2893 2894 This "excommunication" is a word 2895 In speech ecclesiastical oft heard, 2896 And means the damning, with bell, book and candle, 2897 Some sinner whose opinions are a scandal -- 2898 A rite permitting Satan to enslave him 2899 Forever, and forbidding Christ to save him. 2900 Gat Huckle 2901 2902 2903** EXECUTIVE 2904 2905EXECUTIVE, n. An officer of the Government, whose duty it is to 2906enforce the wishes of the legislative power until such time as the 2907judicial department shall be pleased to pronounce them invalid and of 2908no effect. Following is an extract from an old book entitled, _The 2909Lunarian Astonished_ -- Pfeiffer & Co., Boston, 1803: 2910 2911 LUNARIAN: Then when your Congress has passed a law it goes 2912 directly to the Supreme Court in order that it may at once be 2913 known whether it is constitutional? 2914 TERRESTRIAN: O no; it does not require the approval of the 2915 Supreme Court until having perhaps been enforced for many 2916 years somebody objects to its operation against himself -- I 2917 mean his client. The President, if he approves it, begins to 2918 execute it at once. 2919 LUNARIAN: Ah, the executive power is a part of the legislative. 2920 Do your policemen also have to approve the local ordinances 2921 that they enforce? 2922 TERRESTRIAN: Not yet -- at least not in their character of 2923 constables. Generally speaking, though, all laws require the 2924 approval of those whom they are intended to restrain. 2925 LUNARIAN: I see. The death warrant is not valid until signed by 2926 the murderer. 2927 TERRESTRIAN: My friend, you put it too strongly; we are not so 2928 consistent. 2929 LUNARIAN: But this system of maintaining an expensive judicial 2930 machinery to pass upon the validity of laws only after they 2931 have long been executed, and then only when brought before the 2932 court by some private person -- does it not cause great 2933 confusion? 2934 TERRESTRIAN: It does. 2935 LUNARIAN: Why then should not your laws, previously to being 2936 executed, be validated, not by the signature of your 2937 President, but by that of the Chief Justice of the Supreme 2938 Court? 2939 TERRESTRIAN: There is no precedent for any such course. 2940 LUNARIAN: Precedent. What is that? 2941 TERRESTRIAN: It has been defined by five hundred lawyers in three 2942 volumes each. So how can any one know? 2943 2944 2945** EXHORT 2946 2947EXHORT, v.t. In religious affairs, to put the conscience of another 2948upon the spit and roast it to a nut-brown discomfort. 2949 2950 2951** EXILE 2952 2953EXILE, n. One who serves his country by residing abroad, yet is not 2954an ambassador. 2955 An English sea-captain being asked if he had read "The Exile of 2956Erin," replied: "No, sir, but I should like to anchor on it." Years 2957afterwards, when he had been hanged as a pirate after a career of 2958unparalleled atrocities, the following memorandum was found in the 2959ship's log that he had kept at the time of his reply: 2960 2961 Aug. 3d, 1842. Made a joke on the ex-Isle of Erin. Coldly 2962 received. War with the whole world! 2963 2964 2965** EXISTENCE 2966 2967EXISTENCE, n. 2968 2969 A transient, horrible, fantastic dream, 2970 Wherein is nothing yet all things do seem: 2971 From which we're wakened by a friendly nudge 2972 Of our bedfellow Death, and cry: "O fudge!" 2973 2974 2975** EXPERIENCE 2976 2977EXPERIENCE, n. The wisdom that enables us to recognize as an 2978undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced. 2979 2980 To one who, journeying through night and fog, 2981 Is mired neck-deep in an unwholesome bog, 2982 Experience, like the rising of the dawn, 2983 Reveals the path that he should not have gone. 2984 Joel Frad Bink 2985 2986 2987** EXPOSTULATION 2988 2989EXPOSTULATION, n. One of the many methods by which fools prefer to 2990lose their friends. 2991 2992 2993** EXTINCTION 2994 2995EXTINCTION, n. The raw material out of which theology created the 2996future state. 2997 2998 2999 F 3000 3001 3002 3003** FAIRY 3004 3005FAIRY, n. A creature, variously fashioned and endowed, that formerly 3006inhabited the meadows and forests. It was nocturnal in its habits, 3007and somewhat addicted to dancing and the theft of children. The 3008fairies are now believed by naturalist to be extinct, though a 3009clergyman of the Church of England saw three near Colchester as lately 3010as 1855, while passing through a park after dining with the lord of 3011the manor. The sight greatly staggered him, and he was so affected 3012that his account of it was incoherent. In the year 1807 a troop of 3013fairies visited a wood near Aix and carried off the daughter of a 3014peasant, who had been seen to enter it with a bundle of clothing. The 3015son of a wealthy _bourgeois_ disappeared about the same time, but 3016afterward returned. He had seen the abduction been in pursuit of the 3017fairies. Justinian Gaux, a writer of the fourteenth century, avers 3018that so great is the fairies' power of transformation that he saw one 3019change itself into two opposing armies and fight a battle with great 3020slaughter, and that the next day, after it had resumed its original 3021shape and gone away, there were seven hundred bodies of the slain 3022which the villagers had to bury. He does not say if any of the 3023wounded recovered. In the time of Henry III, of England, a law was 3024made which prescribed the death penalty for "Kyllynge, wowndynge, or 3025mamynge" a fairy, and it was universally respected. 3026 3027 3028** FAITH 3029 3030FAITH, n. Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks 3031without knowledge, of things without parallel. 3032 3033 3034** FAMOUS 3035 3036FAMOUS, adj. Conspicuously miserable. 3037 3038 Done to a turn on the iron, behold 3039 Him who to be famous aspired. 3040 Content? Well, his grill has a plating of gold, 3041 And his twistings are greatly admired. 3042 Hassan Brubuddy 3043 3044 3045** FASHION 3046 3047FASHION, n. A despot whom the wise ridicule and obey. 3048 3049 A king there was who lost an eye 3050 In some excess of passion; 3051 And straight his courtiers all did try 3052 To follow the new fashion. 3053 3054 Each dropped one eyelid when before 3055 The throne he ventured, thinking 3056 'Twould please the king. That monarch swore 3057 He'd slay them all for winking. 3058 3059 What should they do? They were not hot 3060 To hazard such disaster; 3061 They dared not close an eye -- dared not 3062 See better than their master. 3063 3064 Seeing them lacrymose and glum, 3065 A leech consoled the weepers: 3066 He spread small rags with liquid gum 3067 And covered half their peepers. 3068 3069 The court all wore the stuff, the flame 3070 Of royal anger dying. 3071 That's how court-plaster got its name 3072 Unless I'm greatly lying. 3073 Naramy Oof 3074 3075 3076** FEAST 3077 3078FEAST, n. A festival. A religious celebration usually signalized by 3079gluttony and drunkenness, frequently in honor of some holy person 3080distinguished for abstemiousness. In the Roman Catholic Church 3081feasts are "movable" and "immovable," but the celebrants are uniformly 3082immovable until they are full. In their earliest development these 3083entertainments took the form of feasts for the dead; such were held by 3084the Greeks, under the name _Nemeseia_, by the Aztecs and Peruvians, 3085as in modern times they are popular with the Chinese; though it is 3086believed that the ancient dead, like the modern, were light eaters. 3087Among the many feasts of the Romans was the _Novemdiale_, which was 3088held, according to Livy, whenever stones fell from heaven. 3089 3090 3091** FELON 3092 3093FELON, n. A person of greater enterprise than discretion, who in 3094embracing an opportunity has formed an unfortunate attachment. 3095 3096 3097** FEMALE 3098 3099FEMALE, n. One of the opposing, or unfair, sex. 3100 3101 The Maker, at Creation's birth, 3102 With living things had stocked the earth. 3103 From elephants to bats and snails, 3104 They all were good, for all were males. 3105 But when the Devil came and saw 3106 He said: "By Thine eternal law 3107 Of growth, maturity, decay, 3108 These all must quickly pass away 3109 And leave untenanted the earth 3110 Unless Thou dost establish birth" -- 3111 Then tucked his head beneath his wing 3112 To laugh -- he had no sleeve -- the thing 3113 With deviltry did so accord, 3114 That he'd suggested to the Lord. 3115 The Master pondered this advice, 3116 Then shook and threw the fateful dice 3117 Wherewith all matters here below 3118 Are ordered, and observed the throw; 3119 Then bent His head in awful state, 3120 Confirming the decree of Fate. 3121 From every part of earth anew 3122 The conscious dust consenting flew, 3123 While rivers from their courses rolled 3124 To make it plastic for the mould. 3125 Enough collected (but no more, 3126 For niggard Nature hoards her store) 3127 He kneaded it to flexible clay, 3128 While Nick unseen threw some away. 3129 And then the various forms He cast, 3130 Gross organs first and finer last; 3131 No one at once evolved, but all 3132 By even touches grew and small 3133 Degrees advanced, till, shade by shade, 3134 To match all living things He'd made 3135 Females, complete in all their parts 3136 Except (His clay gave out) the hearts. 3137 "No matter," Satan cried; "with speed 3138 I'll fetch the very hearts they need" -- 3139 So flew away and soon brought back 3140 The number needed, in a sack. 3141 That night earth range with sounds of strife -- 3142 Ten million males each had a wife; 3143 That night sweet Peace her pinions spread 3144 O'er Hell -- ten million devils dead! 3145 G.J. 3146 3147 3148** FIB 3149 3150FIB, n. A lie that has not cut its teeth. An habitual liar's nearest 3151approach to truth: the perigee of his eccentric orbit. 3152 3153 When David said: "All men are liars," Dave, 3154 Himself a liar, fibbed like any thief. 3155 Perhaps he thought to weaken disbelief 3156 By proof that even himself was not a slave 3157 To Truth; though I suspect the aged knave 3158 Had been of all her servitors the chief 3159 Had he but known a fig's reluctant leaf 3160 Is more than e'er she wore on land or wave. 3161 No, David served not Naked Truth when he 3162 Struck that sledge-hammer blow at all his race; 3163 Nor did he hit the nail upon the head: 3164 For reason shows that it could never be, 3165 And the facts contradict him to his face. 3166 Men are not liars all, for some are dead. 3167 Bartle Quinker 3168 3169 3170** FICKLENESS 3171 3172FICKLENESS, n. The iterated satiety of an enterprising affection. 3173 3174 3175** FIDDLE 3176 3177FIDDLE, n. An instrument to tickle human ears by friction of a 3178horse's tail on the entrails of a cat. 3179 3180 To Rome said Nero: "If to smoke you turn 3181 I shall not cease to fiddle while you burn." 3182 To Nero Rome replied: "Pray do your worst, 3183 'Tis my excuse that you were fiddling first." 3184 Orm Pludge 3185 3186 3187** FIDELITY 3188 3189FIDELITY, n. A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. 3190 3191 3192** FINANCE 3193 3194FINANCE, n. The art or science of managing revenues and resources for 3195the best advantage of the manager. The pronunciation of this word 3196with the i long and the accent on the first syllable is one of 3197America's most precious discoveries and possessions. 3198 3199 3200** FLAG 3201 3202FLAG, n. A colored rag borne above troops and hoisted on forts and 3203ships. It appears to serve the same purpose as certain signs that one 3204sees and vacant lots in London -- "Rubbish may be shot here." 3205 3206 3207** FLESH 3208 3209FLESH, n. The Second Person of the secular Trinity. 3210 3211 3212** FLOP 3213 3214FLOP, v. Suddenly to change one's opinions and go over to another 3215party. The most notable flop on record was that of Saul of Tarsus, 3216who has been severely criticised as a turn-coat by some of our 3217partisan journals. 3218 3219 3220** FLY-SPECK 3221 3222FLY-SPECK, n. The prototype of punctuation. It is observed by 3223Garvinus that the systems of punctuation in use by the various 3224literary nations depended originally upon the social habits and 3225general diet of the flies infesting the several countries. These 3226creatures, which have always been distinguished for a neighborly and 3227companionable familiarity with authors, liberally or niggardly 3228embellish the manuscripts in process of growth under the pen, 3229according to their bodily habit, bringing out the sense of the work by 3230a species of interpretation superior to, and independent of, the 3231writer's powers. The "old masters" of literature -- that is to say, 3232the early writers whose work is so esteemed by later scribes and 3233critics in the same language -- never punctuated at all, but worked 3234right along free-handed, without that abruption of the thought which 3235comes from the use of points. (We observe the same thing in children 3236to-day, whose usage in this particular is a striking and beautiful 3237instance of the law that the infancy of individuals reproduces the 3238methods and stages of development characterizing the infancy of 3239races.) In the work of these primitive scribes all the punctuation is 3240found, by the modern investigator with his optical instruments and 3241chemical tests, to have been inserted by the writers' ingenious and 3242serviceable collaborator, the common house-fly -- _Musca maledicta_. 3243In transcribing these ancient MSS, for the purpose of either making 3244the work their own or preserving what they naturally regard as divine 3245revelations, later writers reverently and accurately copy whatever 3246marks they find upon the papyrus or parchment, to the unspeakable 3247enhancement of the lucidity of the thought and value of the work. 3248Writers contemporary with the copyists naturally avail themselves of 3249the obvious advantages of these marks in their own work, and with such 3250assistance as the flies of their own household may be willing to 3251grant, frequently rival and sometimes surpass the older compositions, 3252in respect at least of punctuation, which is no small glory. Fully to 3253understand the important services that flies perform to literature it 3254is only necessary to lay a page of some popular novelist alongside a 3255saucer of cream-and-molasses in a sunny room and observe "how the wit 3256brightens and the style refines" in accurate proportion to the 3257duration of exposure. 3258 3259 3260** FOLLY 3261 3262FOLLY, n. That "gift and faculty divine" whose creative and 3263controlling energy inspires Man's mind, guides his actions and adorns 3264his life. 3265 3266 Folly! although Erasmus praised thee once 3267 In a thick volume, and all authors known, 3268 If not thy glory yet thy power have shown, 3269 Deign to take homage from thy son who hunts 3270 Through all thy maze his brothers, fool and dunce, 3271 To mend their lives and to sustain his own, 3272 However feebly be his arrows thrown, 3273 3274 Howe'er each hide the flying weapons blunts. 3275 All-Father Folly! be it mine to raise, 3276 With lusty lung, here on his western strand 3277 With all thine offspring thronged from every land, 3278 Thyself inspiring me, the song of praise. 3279 And if too weak, I'll hire, to help me bawl, 3280 Dick Watson Gilder, gravest of us all. 3281 Aramis Loto Frope 3282 3283 3284** FOOL 3285 3286FOOL, n. A person who pervades the domain of intellectual speculation 3287and diffuses himself through the channels of moral activity. He is 3288omnific, omniform, omnipercipient, omniscience, omnipotent. He it was 3289who invented letters, printing, the railroad, the steamboat, the 3290telegraph, the platitude and the circle of the sciences. He created 3291patriotism and taught the nations war -- founded theology, philosophy, 3292law, medicine and Chicago. He established monarchical and republican 3293government. He is from everlasting to everlasting -- such as 3294creation's dawn beheld he fooleth now. In the morning of time he sang 3295upon primitive hills, and in the noonday of existence headed the 3296procession of being. His grandmotherly hand was warmly tucked-in the 3297set sun of civilization, and in the twilight he prepares Man's evening 3298meal of milk-and-morality and turns down the covers of the universal 3299grave. And after the rest of us shall have retired for the night of 3300eternal oblivion he will sit up to write a history of human 3301civilization. 3302 3303 3304** FORCE 3305 3306FORCE, n. 3307 3308 "Force is but might," the teacher said -- 3309 "That definition's just." 3310 The boy said naught but through instead, 3311 Remembering his pounded head: 3312 "Force is not might but must!" 3313 3314 3315** FOREFINGER 3316 3317FOREFINGER, n. The finger commonly used in pointing out two 3318malefactors. 3319 3320 3321** FOREORDINATION 3322 3323FOREORDINATION, n. This looks like an easy word to define, but when I 3324consider that pious and learned theologians have spent long lives in 3325explaining it, and written libraries to explain their explanations; 3326when I remember the nations have been divided and bloody battles 3327caused by the difference between foreordination and predestination, 3328and that millions of treasure have been expended in the effort to 3329prove and disprove its compatibility with freedom of the will and the 3330efficacy of prayer, praise, and a religious life, -- recalling these 3331awful facts in the history of the word, I stand appalled before the 3332mighty problem of its signification, abase my spiritual eyes, fearing 3333to contemplate its portentous magnitude, reverently uncover and humbly 3334refer it to His Eminence Cardinal Gibbons and His Grace Bishop Potter. 3335 3336 3337** FORGETFULNESS 3338 3339FORGETFULNESS, n. A gift of God bestowed upon doctors in compensation 3340for their destitution of conscience. 3341 3342 3343** FORK 3344 3345FORK, n. An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of putting dead 3346animals into the mouth. Formerly the knife was employed for this 3347purpose, and by many worthy persons is still thought to have many 3348advantages over the other tool, which, however, they do not altogether 3349reject, but use to assist in charging the knife. The immunity of 3350these persons from swift and awful death is one of the most striking 3351proofs of God's mercy to those that hate Him. 3352 3353 3354** FORMA 3355 3356FORMA :PAUPERIS:. [Latin] In the character of a poor person -- a 3357method by which a litigant without money for lawyers is considerately 3358permitted to lose his case. 3359 3360 When Adam long ago in Cupid's awful court 3361 (For Cupid ruled ere Adam was invented) 3362 Sued for Eve's favor, says an ancient law report, 3363 He stood and pleaded unhabilimented. 3364 3365 "You sue _in forma pauperis_, I see," Eve cried; 3366 "Actions can't here be that way prosecuted." 3367 So all poor Adam's motions coldly were denied: 3368 He went away -- as he had come -- nonsuited. 3369 G.J. 3370 3371 3372** FRANKALMOIGNE 3373 3374FRANKALMOIGNE, n. The tenure by which a religious corporation holds 3375lands on condition of praying for the soul of the donor. In mediaeval 3376times many of the wealthiest fraternities obtained their estates in 3377this simple and cheap manner, and once when Henry VIII of England sent 3378an officer to confiscate certain vast possessions which a fraternity 3379of monks held by frankalmoigne, "What!" said the Prior, "would you 3380master stay our benefactor's soul in Purgatory?" "Ay," said the 3381officer, coldly, "an ye will not pray him thence for naught he must 3382e'en roast." "But look you, my son," persisted the good man, "this 3383act hath rank as robbery of God!" "Nay, nay, good father, my master 3384the king doth but deliver him from the manifold temptations of too 3385great wealth." 3386 3387 3388** FREEBOOTER 3389 3390FREEBOOTER, n. A conqueror in a small way of business, whose 3391annexations lack of the sanctifying merit of magnitude. 3392 3393 3394** FREEDOM 3395 3396FREEDOM, n. Exemption from the stress of authority in a beggarly half 3397dozen of restraint's infinite multitude of methods. A political 3398condition that every nation supposes itself to enjoy in virtual 3399monopoly. Liberty. The distinction between freedom and liberty is 3400not accurately known; naturalists have never been able to find a 3401living specimen of either. 3402 3403 Freedom, as every schoolboy knows, 3404 Once shrieked as Kosciusko fell; 3405 On every wind, indeed, that blows 3406 I hear her yell. 3407 3408 She screams whenever monarchs meet, 3409 And parliaments as well, 3410 To bind the chains about her feet 3411 And toll her knell. 3412 3413 And when the sovereign people cast 3414 The votes they cannot spell, 3415 Upon the pestilential blast 3416 Her clamors swell. 3417 3418 For all to whom the power's given 3419 To sway or to compel, 3420 Among themselves apportion Heaven 3421 And give her Hell. 3422 Blary O'Gary 3423 3424 3425** FREEMASONS 3426 3427FREEMASONS, n. An order with secret rites, grotesque ceremonies and 3428fantastic costumes, which, originating in the reign of Charles II, 3429among working artisans of London, has been joined successively by the 3430dead of past centuries in unbroken retrogression until now it embraces 3431all the generations of man on the hither side of Adam and is drumming 3432up distinguished recruits among the pre-Creational inhabitants of 3433Chaos and Formless Void. The order was founded at different times by 3434Charlemagne, Julius Caesar, Cyrus, Solomon, Zoroaster, Confucious, 3435Thothmes, and Buddha. Its emblems and symbols have been found in the 3436Catacombs of Paris and Rome, on the stones of the Parthenon and the 3437Chinese Great Wall, among the temples of Karnak and Palmyra and in the 3438Egyptian Pyramids -- always by a Freemason. 3439 3440 3441** FRIENDLESS 3442 3443FRIENDLESS, adj. Having no favors to bestow. Destitute of fortune. 3444Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense. 3445 3446 3447** FRIENDSHIP 3448 3449FRIENDSHIP, n. A ship big enough to carry two in fair weather, but 3450only one in foul. 3451 3452 The sea was calm and the sky was blue; 3453 Merrily, merrily sailed we two. 3454 (High barometer maketh glad.) 3455 On the tipsy ship, with a dreadful shout, 3456 The tempest descended and we fell out. 3457 (O the walking is nasty bad!) 3458 Armit Huff Bettle 3459 3460 3461** FROG 3462 3463FROG, n. A reptile with edible legs. The first mention of frogs in 3464profane literature is in Homer's narrative of the war between them and 3465the mice. Skeptical persons have doubted Homer's authorship of the 3466work, but the learned, ingenious and industrious Dr. Schliemann has 3467set the question forever at rest by uncovering the bones of the slain 3468frogs. One of the forms of moral suasion by which Pharaoh was 3469besought to favor the Israelities was a plague of frogs, but Pharaoh, 3470who liked them _fricasees_, remarked, with truly oriental stoicism, 3471that he could stand it as long as the frogs and the Jews could; so the 3472programme was changed. The frog is a diligent songster, having a good 3473voice but no ear. The libretto of his favorite opera, as written by 3474Aristophanes, is brief, simple and effective -- "brekekex-koax"; the 3475music is apparently by that eminent composer, Richard Wagner. Horses 3476have a frog in each hoof -- a thoughtful provision of nature, enabling 3477them to shine in a hurdle race. 3478 3479 3480** FRYING-PAN 3481 3482FRYING-PAN, n. One part of the penal apparatus employed in that 3483punitive institution, a woman's kitchen. The frying-pan was invented 3484by Calvin, and by him used in cooking span-long infants that had died 3485without baptism; and observing one day the horrible torment of a tramp 3486who had incautiously pulled a fried babe from the waste-dump and 3487devoured it, it occurred to the great divine to rob death of its 3488terrors by introducing the frying-pan into every household in Geneva. 3489Thence it spread to all corners of the world, and has been of 3490invaluable assistance in the propagation of his sombre faith. The 3491following lines (said to be from the pen of his Grace Bishop Potter) 3492seem to imply that the usefulness of this utensil is not limited to 3493this world; but as the consequences of its employment in this life 3494reach over into the life to come, so also itself may be found on the 3495other side, rewarding its devotees: 3496 3497 Old Nick was summoned to the skies. 3498 Said Peter: "Your intentions 3499 Are good, but you lack enterprise 3500 Concerning new inventions. 3501 3502 "Now, broiling in an ancient plan 3503 Of torment, but I hear it 3504 Reported that the frying-pan 3505 Sears best the wicked spirit. 3506 3507 "Go get one -- fill it up with fat -- 3508 Fry sinners brown and good in't." 3509 "I know a trick worth two o' that," 3510 Said Nick -- "I'll cook their food in't." 3511 3512 3513** FUNERAL 3514 3515FUNERAL, n. A pageant whereby we attest our respect for the dead by 3516enriching the undertaker, and strengthen our grief by an expenditure 3517that deepens our groans and doubles our tears. 3518 3519 The savage dies -- they sacrifice a horse 3520 To bear to happy hunting-grounds the corse. 3521 Our friends expire -- we make the money fly 3522 In hope their souls will chase it to the sky. 3523 Jex Wopley 3524 3525 3526** FUTURE 3527 3528FUTURE, n. That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our 3529friends are true and our happiness is assured. 3530 3531 3532 G 3533 3534 3535 3536** GALLOWS 3537 3538GALLOWS, n. A stage for the performance of miracle plays, in which 3539the leading actor is translated to heaven. In this country the 3540gallows is chiefly remarkable for the number of persons who escape it. 3541 3542 Whether on the gallows high 3543 Or where blood flows the reddest, 3544 The noblest place for man to die -- 3545 Is where he died the deadest. 3546 (Old play) 3547 3548 3549** GARGOYLE 3550 3551GARGOYLE, n. A rain-spout projecting from the eaves of mediaeval 3552buildings, commonly fashioned into a grotesque caricature of some 3553personal enemy of the architect or owner of the building. This was 3554especially the case in churches and ecclesiastical structures 3555generally, in which the gargoyles presented a perfect rogues' gallery 3556of local heretics and controversialists. Sometimes when a new dean 3557and chapter were installed the old gargoyles were removed and others 3558substituted having a closer relation to the private animosities of the 3559new incumbents. 3560 3561 3562** GARTHER 3563 3564GARTHER, n. An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out 3565of her stockings and desolating the country. 3566 3567 3568** GENEROUS 3569 3570GENEROUS, adj. Originally this word meant noble by birth and was 3571rightly applied to a great multitude of persons. It now means noble 3572by nature and is taking a bit of a rest. 3573 3574 3575** GENEALOGY 3576 3577GENEALOGY, n. An account of one's descent from an ancestor who did 3578not particularly care to trace his own. 3579 3580 3581** GENTEEL 3582 3583GENTEEL, adj. Refined, after the fashion of a gent. 3584 3585 Observe with care, my son, the distinction I reveal: 3586 A gentleman is gentle and a gent genteel. 3587 Heed not the definitions your "Unabridged" presents, 3588 For dictionary makers are generally gents. 3589 G.J. 3590 3591 3592** GEOGRAPHER 3593 3594GEOGRAPHER, n. A chap who can tell you offhand the difference between 3595the outside of the world and the inside. 3596 3597 Habeam, geographer of wide reknown, 3598 Native of Abu-Keber's ancient town, 3599 In passing thence along the river Zam 3600 To the adjacent village of Xelam, 3601 Bewildered by the multitude of roads, 3602 Got lost, lived long on migratory toads, 3603 Then from exposure miserably died, 3604 And grateful travelers bewailed their guide. 3605 Henry Haukhorn 3606 3607 3608** GEOLOGY 3609 3610GEOLOGY, n. The science of the earth's crust -- to which, doubtless, 3611will be added that of its interior whenever a man shall come up 3612garrulous out of a well. The geological formations of the globe 3613already noted are catalogued thus: The Primary, or lower one, 3614consists of rocks, bones or mired mules, gas-pipes, miners' tools, 3615antique statues minus the nose, Spanish doubloons and ancestors. The 3616Secondary is largely made up of red worms and moles. The Tertiary 3617comprises railway tracks, patent pavements, grass, snakes, mouldy 3618boots, beer bottles, tomato cans, intoxicated citizens, garbage, 3619anarchists, snap-dogs and fools. 3620 3621 3622** GHOST 3623 3624GHOST, n. The outward and visible sign of an inward fear. 3625 3626 He saw a ghost. 3627 It occupied -- that dismal thing! -- 3628 The path that he was following. 3629 Before he'd time to stop and fly, 3630 An earthquake trifled with the eye 3631 That saw a ghost. 3632 He fell as fall the early good; 3633 Unmoved that awful vision stood. 3634 The stars that danced before his ken 3635 He wildly brushed away, and then 3636 He saw a post. 3637 Jared Macphester 3638 3639 Accounting for the uncommon behavior of ghosts, Heine mentions 3640somebody's ingenious theory to the effect that they are as much 3641afraid of us as we of them. Not quite, if I may judge from such 3642tables of comparative speed as I am able to compile from memories of 3643my own experience. 3644 There is one insuperable obstacle to a belief in ghosts. A ghost 3645never comes naked: he appears either in a winding-sheet or "in his 3646habit as he lived." To believe in him, then, is to believe that not 3647only have the dead the power to make themselves visible after there is 3648nothing left of them, but that the same power inheres in textile 3649fabrics. Supposing the products of the loom to have this ability, 3650what object would they have in exercising it? And why does not the 3651apparition of a suit of clothes sometimes walk abroad without a ghost 3652in it? These be riddles of significance. They reach away down and 3653get a convulsive grip on the very tap-root of this flourishing faith. 3654 3655 3656** GHOUL 3657 3658GHOUL, n. A demon addicted to the reprehensible habit of devouring 3659the dead. The existence of ghouls has been disputed by that class of 3660controversialists who are more concerned to deprive the world of 3661comforting beliefs than to give it anything good in their place. In 36621640 Father Secchi saw one in a cemetery near Florence and frightened 3663it away with the sign of the cross. He describes it as gifted with 3664many heads an an uncommon allowance of limbs, and he saw it in more 3665than one place at a time. The good man was coming away from dinner at 3666the time and explains that if he had not been "heavy with eating" he 3667would have seized the demon at all hazards. Atholston relates that a 3668ghoul was caught by some sturdy peasants in a churchyard at Sudbury 3669and ducked in a horsepond. (He appears to think that so distinguished 3670a criminal should have been ducked in a tank of rosewater.) The water 3671turned at once to blood "and so contynues unto ys daye." The pond has 3672since been bled with a ditch. As late as the beginning of the 3673fourteenth century a ghoul was cornered in the crypt of the cathedral 3674at Amiens and the whole population surrounded the place. Twenty armed 3675men with a priest at their head, bearing a crucifix, entered and 3676captured the ghoul, which, thinking to escape by the stratagem, had 3677transformed itself to the semblance of a well known citizen, but was 3678nevertheless hanged, drawn and quartered in the midst of hideous 3679popular orgies. The citizen whose shape the demon had assumed was so 3680affected by the sinister occurrence that he never again showed himself 3681in Amiens and his fate remains a mystery. 3682 3683 3684** GLUTTON 3685 3686GLUTTON, n. A person who escapes the evils of moderation by 3687committing dyspepsia. 3688 3689 3690** GNOME 3691 3692GNOME, n. In North-European mythology, a dwarfish imp inhabiting the 3693interior parts of the earth and having special custody of mineral 3694treasures. Bjorsen, who died in 1765, says gnomes were common enough 3695in the southern parts of Sweden in his boyhood, and he frequently saw 3696them scampering on the hills in the evening twilight. Ludwig 3697Binkerhoof saw three as recently as 1792, in the Black Forest, and 3698Sneddeker avers that in 1803 they drove a party of miners out of a 3699Silesian mine. Basing our computations upon data supplied by these 3700statements, we find that the gnomes were probably extinct as early as 37011764. 3702 3703 3704** GNOSTICS 3705 3706GNOSTICS, n. A sect of philosophers who tried to engineer a fusion 3707between the early Christians and the Platonists. The former would not 3708go into the caucus and the combination failed, greatly to the chagrin 3709of the fusion managers. 3710 3711 3712** GNU 3713 3714GNU, n. An animal of South Africa, which in its domesticated state 3715resembles a horse, a buffalo and a stag. In its wild condition it is 3716something like a thunderbolt, an earthquake and a cyclone. 3717 3718 A hunter from Kew caught a distant view 3719 Of a peacefully meditative gnu, 3720 And he said: "I'll pursue, and my hands imbrue 3721 In its blood at a closer interview." 3722 But that beast did ensue and the hunter it threw 3723 O'er the top of a palm that adjacent grew; 3724 And he said as he flew: "It is well I withdrew 3725 Ere, losing my temper, I wickedly slew 3726 That really meritorious gnu." 3727 Jarn Leffer 3728 3729 3730** GOOD 3731 3732GOOD, adj. Sensible, madam, to the worth of this present writer. 3733Alive, sir, to the advantages of letting him alone. 3734 3735 3736** GOOSE 3737 3738GOOSE, n. A bird that supplies quills for writing. These, by some 3739occult process of nature, are penetrated and suffused with various 3740degrees of the bird's intellectual energies and emotional character, 3741so that when inked and drawn mechanically across paper by a person 3742called an "author," there results a very fair and accurate transcript 3743of the fowl's thought and feeling. The difference in geese, as 3744discovered by this ingenious method, is considerable: many are found 3745to have only trivial and insignificant powers, but some are seen to be 3746very great geese indeed. 3747 3748 3749** GORGON 3750 3751GORGON, n. 3752 3753 The Gorgon was a maiden bold 3754 Who turned to stone the Greeks of old 3755 That looked upon her awful brow. 3756 We dig them out of ruins now, 3757 And swear that workmanship so bad 3758 Proves all the ancient sculptors mad. 3759 3760 3761** GOUT 3762 3763GOUT, n. A physician's name for the rheumatism of a rich patient. 3764 3765 3766** GRACES 3767 3768GRACES, n. Three beautiful goddesses, Aglaia, Thalia and Euphrosyne, 3769who attended upon Venus, serving without salary. They were at no 3770expense for board and clothing, for they ate nothing to speak of and 3771dressed according to the weather, wearing whatever breeze happened to 3772be blowing. 3773 3774 3775** GRAMMAR 3776 3777GRAMMAR, n. A system of pitfalls thoughtfully prepared for the feet 3778for the self-made man, along the path by which he advances to 3779distinction. 3780 3781 3782** GRAPE 3783 3784GRAPE, n. 3785 3786 Hail noble fruit! -- by Homer sung, 3787 Anacreon and Khayyam; 3788 Thy praise is ever on the tongue 3789 Of better men than I am. 3790 3791 The lyre in my hand has never swept, 3792 The song I cannot offer: 3793 My humbler service pray accept -- 3794 I'll help to kill the scoffer. 3795 3796 The water-drinkers and the cranks 3797 Who load their skins with liquor -- 3798 I'll gladly bear their belly-tanks 3799 And tap them with my sticker. 3800 3801 Fill up, fill up, for wisdom cools 3802 When e'er we let the wine rest. 3803 Here's death to Prohibition's fools, 3804 And every kind of vine-pest! 3805 Jamrach Holobom 3806 3807 3808** GRAPESHOT 3809 3810GRAPESHOT, n. An argument which the future is preparing in answer to 3811the demands of American Socialism. 3812 3813 3814** GRAVE 3815 3816GRAVE, n. A place in which the dead are laid to await the coming of 3817the medical student. 3818 3819 Beside a lonely grave I stood -- 3820 With brambles 'twas encumbered; 3821 The winds were moaning in the wood, 3822 Unheard by him who slumbered, 3823 3824 A rustic standing near, I said: 3825 "He cannot hear it blowing!" 3826 "'Course not," said he: "the feller's dead -- 3827 He can't hear nowt [sic] that's going." 3828 3829 "Too true," I said; "alas, too true -- 3830 No sound his sense can quicken!" 3831 "Well, mister, wot is that to you? -- 3832 The deadster ain't a-kickin'." 3833 3834 I knelt and prayed: "O Father, smile 3835 On him, and mercy show him!" 3836 That countryman looked on the while, 3837 And said: "Ye didn't know him." 3838 Pobeter Dunko 3839 3840 3841** GRAVITATION 3842 3843GRAVITATION, n. The tendency of all bodies to approach one another 3844with a strength proportion to the quantity of matter they contain -- 3845the quantity of matter they contain being ascertained by the strength 3846of their tendency to approach one another. This is a lovely and 3847edifying illustration of how science, having made A the proof of B, 3848makes B the proof of A. 3849 3850 3851** GREAT 3852 3853GREAT, adj. 3854 3855 "I'm great," the Lion said -- "I reign 3856 The monarch of the wood and plain!" 3857 3858 The Elephant replied: "I'm great -- 3859 No quadruped can match my weight!" 3860 3861 "I'm great -- no animal has half 3862 So long a neck!" said the Giraffe. 3863 3864 "I'm great," the Kangaroo said -- "see 3865 My femoral muscularity!" 3866 3867 The 'Possum said: "I'm great -- behold, 3868 My tail is lithe and bald and cold!" 3869 3870 An Oyster fried was understood 3871 To say: "I'm great because I'm good!" 3872 3873 Each reckons greatness to consist 3874 In that in which he heads the list, 3875 3876 And Vierick thinks he tops his class 3877 Because he is the greatest ass. 3878 Arion Spurl Doke 3879 3880 3881** GUILLOTINE 3882 3883GUILLOTINE, n. A machine which makes a Frenchman shrug his shoulders 3884with good reason. 3885 In his great work on _Divergent Lines of Racial Evolution_, the 3886learned Professor Brayfugle argues from the prevalence of this gesture 3887-- the shrug -- among Frenchmen, that they are descended from turtles 3888and it is simply a survival of the habit of retracing the head inside 3889the shell. It is with reluctance that I differ with so eminent an 3890authority, but in my judgment (as more elaborately set forth and 3891enforced in my work entitled _Hereditary Emotions_ -- lib. II, c. XI) 3892the shrug is a poor foundation upon which to build so important a 3893theory, for previously to the Revolution the gesture was unknown. I 3894have not a doubt that it is directly referable to the terror inspired 3895by the guillotine during the period of that instrument's activity. 3896 3897 3898** GUNPOWDER 3899 3900GUNPOWDER, n. An agency employed by civilized nations for the 3901settlement of disputes which might become troublesome if left 3902unadjusted. By most writers the invention of gunpowder is ascribed to 3903the Chinese, but not upon very convincing evidence. Milton says it 3904was invented by the devil to dispel angels with, and this opinion 3905seems to derive some support from the scarcity of angels. Moreover, 3906it has the hearty concurrence of the Hon. James Wilson, Secretary of 3907Agriculture. 3908 Secretary Wilson became interested in gunpowder through an event 3909that occurred on the Government experimental farm in the District of 3910Columbia. One day, several years ago, a rogue imperfectly reverent of 3911the Secretary's profound attainments and personal character presented 3912him with a sack of gunpowder, representing it as the sed of the 3913_Flashawful flabbergastor_, a Patagonian cereal of great commercial 3914value, admirably adapted to this climate. The good Secretary was 3915instructed to spill it along in a furrow and afterward inhume it with 3916soil. This he at once proceeded to do, and had made a continuous line 3917of it all the way across a ten-acre field, when he was made to look 3918backward by a shout from the generous donor, who at once dropped a 3919lighted match into the furrow at the starting-point. Contact with the 3920earth had somewhat dampened the powder, but the startled functionary 3921saw himself pursued by a tall moving pillar of fire and smoke and 3922fierce evolution. He stood for a moment paralyzed and speechless, 3923then he recollected an engagement and, dropping all, absented himself 3924thence with such surprising celerity that to the eyes of spectators 3925along the route selected he appeared like a long, dim streak 3926prolonging itself with inconceivable rapidity through seven villages, 3927and audibly refusing to be comforted. "Great Scott! what is that?" 3928cried a surveyor's chainman, shading his eyes and gazing at the fading 3929line of agriculturist which bisected his visible horizon. "That," 3930said the surveyor, carelessly glancing at the phenomenon and again 3931centering his attention upon his instrument, "is the Meridian of 3932Washington." 3933 3934 3935 H 3936 3937 3938 3939** HABEAS 3940 3941HABEAS :CORPUS:. A writ by which a man may be taken out of jail when 3942confined for the wrong crime. 3943 3944 3945** HABIT 3946 3947HABIT, n. A shackle for the free. 3948 3949 3950** HADES 3951 3952HADES, n. The lower world; the residence of departed spirits; the 3953place where the dead live. 3954 Among the ancients the idea of Hades was not synonymous with our 3955Hell, many of the most respectable men of antiquity residing there in 3956a very comfortable kind of way. Indeed, the Elysian Fields themselves 3957were a part of Hades, though they have since been removed to Paris. 3958When the Jacobean version of the New Testament was in process of 3959evolution the pious and learned men engaged in the work insisted by a 3960majority vote on translating the Greek word "Aides" as "Hell"; but a 3961conscientious minority member secretly possessed himself of the record 3962and struck out the objectional word wherever he could find it. At the 3963next meeting, the Bishop of Salisbury, looking over the work, suddenly 3964sprang to his feet and said with considerable excitement: "Gentlemen, 3965somebody has been razing 'Hell' here!" Years afterward the good 3966prelate's death was made sweet by the reflection that he had been the 3967means (under Providence) of making an important, serviceable and 3968immortal addition to the phraseology of the English tongue. 3969 3970 3971** HAG 3972 3973HAG, n. An elderly lady whom you do not happen to like; sometimes 3974called, also, a hen, or cat. Old witches, sorceresses, etc., were 3975called hags from the belief that their heads were surrounded by a kind 3976of baleful lumination or nimbus -- hag being the popular name of that 3977peculiar electrical light sometimes observed in the hair. At one time 3978hag was not a word of reproach: Drayton speaks of a "beautiful hag, 3979all smiles," much as Shakespeare said, "sweet wench." It would not 3980now be proper to call your sweetheart a hag -- that compliment is 3981reserved for the use of her grandchildren. 3982 3983 3984** HALF 3985 3986HALF, n. One of two equal parts into which a thing may be divided, or 3987considered as divided. In the fourteenth century a heated discussion 3988arose among theologists and philosophers as to whether Omniscience 3989could part an object into three halves; and the pious Father 3990Aldrovinus publicly prayed in the cathedral at Rouen that God would 3991demonstrate the affirmative of the proposition in some signal and 3992unmistakable way, and particularly (if it should please Him) upon the 3993body of that hardy blasphemer, Manutius Procinus, who maintained the 3994negative. Procinus, however, was spared to die of the bite of a 3995viper. 3996 3997 3998** HALO 3999 4000HALO, n. Properly, a luminous ring encircling an astronomical body, 4001but not infrequently confounded with "aureola," or "nimbus," a 4002somewhat similar phenomenon worn as a head-dress by divinities and 4003saints. The halo is a purely optical illusion, produced by moisture 4004in the air, in the manner of a rainbow; but the aureola is conferred 4005as a sign of superior sanctity, in the same way as a bishop's mitre, 4006or the Pope's tiara. In the painting of the Nativity, by Szedgkin, a 4007pious artist of Pesth, not only do the Virgin and the Child wear the 4008nimbus, but an ass nibbling hay from the sacred manger is similarly 4009decorated and, to his lasting honor be it said, appears to bear his 4010unaccustomed dignity with a truly saintly grace. 4011 4012 4013** HAND 4014 4015HAND, n. A singular instrument worn at the end of the human arm and 4016commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. 4017 4018 4019** HANDKERCHIEF 4020 4021HANDKERCHIEF, n. A small square of silk or linen, used in various 4022ignoble offices about the face and especially serviceable at funerals 4023to conceal the lack of tears. The handkerchief is of recent 4024invention; our ancestors knew nothing of it and intrusted its duties 4025to the sleeve. Shakespeare's introducing it into the play of 4026"Othello" is an anachronism: Desdemona dried her nose with her skirt, 4027as Dr. Mary Walker and other reformers have done with their coattails 4028in our own day -- an evidence that revolutions sometimes go backward. 4029 4030 4031** HANGMAN 4032 4033HANGMAN, n. An officer of the law charged with duties of the highest 4034dignity and utmost gravity, and held in hereditary disesteem by a 4035populace having a criminal ancestry. In some of the American States 4036his functions are now performed by an electrician, as in New Jersey, 4037where executions by electricity have recently been ordered -- the 4038first instance known to this lexicographer of anybody questioning the 4039expediency of hanging Jerseymen. 4040 4041 4042** HAPPINESS 4043 4044HAPPINESS, n. An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the 4045misery of another. 4046 4047 4048** HARANGUE 4049 4050HARANGUE, n. A speech by an opponent, who is known as an harrangue- 4051outang. 4052 4053 4054** HARBOR 4055 4056HARBOR, n. A place where ships taking shelter from stores are exposed 4057to the fury of the customs. 4058 4059 4060** HARMONISTS 4061 4062HARMONISTS, n. A sect of Protestants, now extinct, who came from 4063Europe in the beginning of the last century and were distinguished for 4064the bitterness of their internal controversies and dissensions. 4065 4066 4067** HASH 4068 4069HASH, x. There is no definition for this word -- nobody knows what 4070hash is. 4071 4072 4073** HATCHET 4074 4075HATCHET, n. A young axe, known among Indians as a Thomashawk. 4076 4077 "O bury the hatchet, irascible Red, 4078 For peace is a blessing," the White Man said. 4079 The Savage concurred, and that weapon interred, 4080 With imposing rites, in the White Man's head. 4081 John Lukkus 4082 4083 4084** HATRED 4085 4086HATRED, n. A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's 4087superiority. 4088 4089 4090** HEAD-MONEY 4091 4092HEAD-MONEY, n. A capitation tax, or poll-tax. 4093 4094 In ancient times there lived a king 4095 Whose tax-collectors could not wring 4096 From all his subjects gold enough 4097 To make the royal way less rough. 4098 For pleasure's highway, like the dames 4099 Whose premises adjoin it, claims 4100 Perpetual repairing. So 4101 The tax-collectors in a row 4102 Appeared before the throne to pray 4103 Their master to devise some way 4104 To swell the revenue. "So great," 4105 Said they, "are the demands of state 4106 A tithe of all that we collect 4107 Will scarcely meet them. Pray reflect: 4108 How, if one-tenth we must resign, 4109 Can we exist on t'other nine?" 4110 The monarch asked them in reply: 4111 "Has it occurred to you to try 4112 The advantage of economy?" 4113 "It has," the spokesman said: "we sold 4114 All of our gray garrotes of gold; 4115 With plated-ware we now compress 4116 The necks of those whom we assess. 4117 Plain iron forceps we employ 4118 To mitigate the miser's joy 4119 Who hoards, with greed that never tires, 4120 That which your Majesty requires." 4121 Deep lines of thought were seen to plow 4122 Their way across the royal brow. 4123 "Your state is desperate, no question; 4124 Pray favor me with a suggestion." 4125 "O King of Men," the spokesman said, 4126 "If you'll impose upon each head 4127 A tax, the augmented revenue 4128 We'll cheerfully divide with you." 4129 As flashes of the sun illume 4130 The parted storm-cloud's sullen gloom, 4131 The king smiled grimly. "I decree 4132 That it be so -- and, not to be 4133 In generosity outdone, 4134 Declare you, each and every one, 4135 Exempted from the operation 4136 Of this new law of capitation. 4137 But lest the people censure me 4138 Because they're bound and you are free, 4139 'Twere well some clever scheme were laid 4140 By you this poll-tax to evade. 4141 I'll leave you now while you confer 4142 With my most trusted minister." 4143 The monarch from the throne-room walked 4144 And straightway in among them stalked 4145 A silent man, with brow concealed, 4146 Bare-armed -- his gleaming axe revealed! 4147 G.J. 4148 4149 4150** HEARSE 4151 4152HEARSE, n. Death's baby-carriage. 4153 4154 4155** HEART 4156 4157HEART, n. An automatic, muscular blood-pump. Figuratively, this 4158useful organ is said to be the esat of emotions and sentiments -- a 4159very pretty fancy which, however, is nothing but a survival of a once 4160universal belief. It is now known that the sentiments and emotions 4161reside in the stomach, being evolved from food by chemical action of 4162the gastric fluid. The exact process by which a beefsteak becomes a 4163feeling -- tender or not, according to the age of the animal from 4164which it was cut; the successive stages of elaboration through which a 4165caviar sandwich is transmuted to a quaint fancy and reappears as a 4166pungent epigram; the marvelous functional methods of converting a 4167hard-boiled egg into religious contrition, or a cream-puff into a sigh 4168of sensibility -- these things have been patiently ascertained by M. 4169Pasteur, and by him expounded with convincing lucidity. (See, also, 4170my monograph, _The Essential Identity of the Spiritual Affections and 4171Certain Intestinal Gases Freed in Digestion_ -- 4to, 687 pp.) In a 4172scientific work entitled, I believe, _Delectatio Demonorum_ (John 4173Camden Hotton, London, 1873) this view of the sentiments receives a 4174striking illustration; and for further light consult Professor Dam's 4175famous treatise on _Love as a Product of Alimentary Maceration_. 4176 4177 4178** HEAT 4179 4180HEAT, n. 4181 4182 Heat, says Professor Tyndall, is a mode 4183 Of motion, but I know now how he's proving 4184 His point; but this I know -- hot words bestowed 4185 With skill will set the human fist a-moving, 4186 And where it stops the stars burn free and wild. 4187 _Crede expertum_ -- I have seen them, child. 4188 Gorton Swope 4189 4190 4191** HEATHEN 4192 4193HEATHEN, n. A benighted creature who has the folly to worship 4194something that he can see and feel. According to Professor Howison, 4195of the California State University, Hebrews are heathens. 4196 4197 "The Hebrews are heathens!" says Howison. He's 4198 A Christian philosopher. I'm 4199 A scurril agnostical chap, if you please, 4200 Addicted too much to the crime 4201 Of religious discussion in my rhyme. 4202 4203 Though Hebrew and Howison cannot agree 4204 On a _modus vivendi_ -- not they! -- 4205 Yet Heaven has had the designing of me, 4206 And I haven't been reared in a way 4207 To joy in the thick of the fray. 4208 4209 For this of my creed is the soul and the gist, 4210 And the truth of it I aver: 4211 Who differs from me in his faith is an 'ist, 4212 And 'ite, an 'ie, or an 'er -- 4213 And I'm down upon him or her! 4214 4215 Let Howison urge with perfunctory chin 4216 Toleration -- that's all very well, 4217 But a roast is "nuts" to his nostril thin, 4218 And he's running -- I know by the smell -- 4219 A secret and personal Hell! 4220 Bissell Gip 4221 4222 4223** HEAVEN 4224 4225HEAVEN, n. A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with 4226talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention 4227while you expound your own. 4228 4229 4230** HEBREW 4231 4232HEBREW, n. A male Jew, as distinguished from the Shebrew, an 4233altogether superior creation. 4234 4235 4236** HELPMATE 4237 4238HELPMATE, n. A wife, or bitter half. 4239 4240 "Now, why is yer wife called a helpmate, Pat?" 4241 Says the priest. "Since the time 'o yer wooin' 4242 She's niver [sic] assisted in what ye were at -- 4243 For it's naught ye are ever doin'." 4244 4245 "That's true of yer Riverence [sic]," Patrick replies, 4246 And no sign of contrition envices; 4247 "But, bedad, it's a fact which the word implies, 4248 For she helps to mate the expinses [sic]!" 4249 Marley Wottel 4250 4251 4252** HEMP 4253 4254HEMP, n. A plant from whose fibrous bark is made an article of 4255neckwear which is frequently put on after public speaking in the open 4256air and prevents the wearer from taking cold. 4257 4258 4259** HERMIT 4260 4261HERMIT, n. A person whose vices and follies are not sociable. 4262 4263 4264** HERS 4265 4266HERS, pron. His. 4267 4268 4269** HIBERNATE 4270 4271HIBERNATE, v.i. To pass the winter season in domestic seclusion. 4272There have been many singular popular notions about the hibernation of 4273various animals. Many believe that the bear hibernates during the 4274whole winter and subsists by mechanically sucking its paws. It is 4275admitted that it comes out of its retirement in the spring so lean 4276that it had to try twice before it can cast a shadow. Three or four 4277centuries ago, in England, no fact was better attested than that 4278swallows passed the winter months in the mud at the bottom of their 4279brooks, clinging together in globular masses. They have apparently 4280been compelled to give up the custom and account of the foulness of 4281the brooks. Sotus Ecobius discovered in Central Asia a whole nation 4282of people who hibernate. By some investigators, the fasting of Lent 4283is supposed to have been originally a modified form of hibernation, to 4284which the Church gave a religious significance; but this view was 4285strenuously opposed by that eminent authority, Bishop Kip, who did not 4286wish any honors denied to the memory of the Founder of his family. 4287 4288 4289** HIPPOGRIFF 4290 4291HIPPOGRIFF, n. An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half 4292griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and 4293half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, a one-quarter 4294eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of 4295zoology is full of surprises. 4296 4297 4298** HISTORIAN 4299 4300HISTORIAN, n. A broad-gauge gossip. 4301 4302 4303** HISTORY 4304 4305HISTORY, n. An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, 4306which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly 4307fools. 4308 4309 Of Roman history, great Niebuhr's shown 4310 'Tis nine-tenths lying. Faith, I wish 'twere known, 4311 Ere we accept great Niebuhr as a guide, 4312 Wherein he blundered and how much he lied. 4313 Salder Bupp 4314 4315 4316** HOG 4317 4318HOG, n. A bird remarkable for the catholicity of its appetite and 4319serving to illustrate that of ours. Among the Mahometans and Jews, 4320the hog is not in favor as an article of diet, but is respected for 4321the delicacy and the melody of its voice. It is chiefly as a songster 4322that the fowl is esteemed; the cage of him in full chorus has been 4323known to draw tears from two persons at once. The scientific name of 4324this dicky-bird is _Porcus Rockefelleri_. Mr. Rockefeller did not 4325discover the hog, but it is considered his by right of resemblance. 4326 4327 4328** HOMOEOPATHIST 4329 4330HOMOEOPATHIST, n. The humorist of the medical profession. 4331 4332 4333** HOMOEOPATHY 4334 4335HOMOEOPATHY, n. A school of medicine midway between Allopathy and 4336Christian Science. To the last both the others are distinctly 4337inferior, for Christian Science will cure imaginary diseases, and they 4338can not. 4339 4340 4341** HOMICIDE 4342 4343HOMICIDE, n. The slaying of one human being by another. There are 4344four kinds of homocide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and 4345praiseworthy, but it makes no great difference to the person slain 4346whether he fell by one kind or another -- the classification is for 4347advantage of the lawyers. 4348 4349 4350** HOMILETICS 4351 4352HOMILETICS, n. The science of adapting sermons to the spiritual 4353needs, capacities and conditions of the congregation. 4354 4355 So skilled the parson was in homiletics 4356 That all his normal purges and emetics 4357 To medicine the spirit were compounded 4358 With a most just discrimination founded 4359 Upon a rigorous examination 4360 Of tongue and pulse and heart and respiration. 4361 Then, having diagnosed each one's condition, 4362 His scriptural specifics this physician 4363 Administered -- his pills so efficacious 4364 And pukes of disposition so vivacious 4365 That souls afflicted with ten kinds of Adam 4366 Were convalescent ere they knew they had 'em. 4367 But Slander's tongue -- itself all coated -- uttered 4368 Her bilious mind and scandalously muttered 4369 That in the case of patients having money 4370 The pills were sugar and the pukes were honey. 4371 _Biography of Bishop Potter_ 4372 4373 4374** HONORABLE 4375 4376HONORABLE, adj. Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In 4377legislative bodies it is customary to mention all members as 4378honorable; as, "the honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." 4379 4380 4381** HOPE 4382 4383HOPE, n. Desire and expectation rolled into one. 4384 4385 Delicious Hope! when naught to man it left -- 4386 Of fortune destitute, of friends bereft; 4387 When even his dog deserts him, and his goat 4388 With tranquil disaffection chews his coat 4389 While yet it hangs upon his back; then thou, 4390 The star far-flaming on thine angel brow, 4391 Descendest, radiant, from the skies to hint 4392 The promise of a clerkship in the Mint. 4393 Fogarty Weffing 4394 4395 4396** HOSPITALITY 4397 4398HOSPITALITY, n. The virtue which induces us to feed and lodge certain 4399persons who are not in need of food and lodging. 4400 4401 4402** HOSTILITY 4403 4404HOSTILITY, n. A peculiarly sharp and specially applied sense of the 4405earth's overpopulation. Hostility is classified as active and 4406passive; as (respectively) the feeling of a woman for her female 4407friends, and that which she entertains for all the rest of her sex. 4408 4409 4410** HOURI 4411 4412HOURI, n. A comely female inhabiting the Mohammedan Paradise to make 4413things cheery for the good Mussulman, whose belief in her existence 4414marks a noble discontent with his earthly spouse, whom he denies a 4415soul. By that good lady the Houris are said to be held in deficient 4416esteem. 4417 4418 4419** HOUSE 4420 4421HOUSE, n. A hollow edifice erected for the habitation of man, rat, 4422mouse, beelte, cockroach, fly, mosquito, flea, bacillus and microbe. 4423_House of Correction_, a place of reward for political and personal 4424service, and for the detention of offenders and appropriations. 4425_House of God_, a building with a steeple and a mortgage on it. 4426_House-dog_, a pestilent beast kept on domestic premises to insult 4427persons passing by and appal the hardy visitor. _House-maid_, a 4428youngerly person of the opposing sex employed to be variously 4429disagreeable and ingeniously unclean in the station in which it has 4430pleased God to place her. 4431 4432 4433** HOUSELESS 4434 4435HOUSELESS, adj. Having paid all taxes on household goods. 4436 4437 4438** HOVEL 4439 4440HOVEL, n. The fruit of a flower called the Palace. 4441 4442 Twaddle had a hovel, 4443 Twiddle had a palace; 4444 Twaddle said: "I'll grovel 4445 Or he'll think I bear him malice" -- 4446 A sentiment as novel 4447 As a castor on a chalice. 4448 4449 Down upon the middle 4450 Of his legs fell Twaddle 4451 And astonished Mr. Twiddle, 4452 Who began to lift his noddle. 4453 Feed upon the fiddle- 4454 Faddle flummery, unswaddle 4455 A new-born self-sufficiency and think himself a [mockery.] 4456 G.J. 4457 4458 4459** HUMANITY 4460 4461HUMANITY, n. The human race, collectively, exclusive of the 4462anthropoid poets. 4463 4464 4465** HUMORIST 4466 4467HUMORIST, n. A plague that would have softened down the hoar 4468austerity of Pharaoh's heart and persuaded him to dismiss Israel with 4469his best wishes, cat-quick. 4470 4471 Lo! the poor humorist, whose tortured mind 4472 See jokes in crowds, though still to gloom inclined -- 4473 Whose simple appetite, untaught to stray, 4474 His brains, renewed by night, consumes by day. 4475 He thinks, admitted to an equal sty, 4476 A graceful hog would bear his company. 4477 Alexander Poke 4478 4479 4480** HURRICANE 4481 4482HURRICANE, n. An atmospheric demonstration once very common but now 4483generally abandoned for the tornado and cyclone. The hurricane is 4484still in popular use in the West Indies and is preferred by certain 4485old-fashioned sea-captains. It is also used in the construction of 4486the upper decks of steamboats, but generally speaking, the hurricane's 4487usefulness has outlasted it. 4488 4489 4490** HURRY 4491 4492HURRY, n. The dispatch of bunglers. 4493 4494 4495** HUSBAND 4496 4497HUSBAND, n. One who, having dined, is charged with the care of the 4498plate. 4499 4500 4501** HYBRID 4502 4503HYBRID, n. A pooled issue. 4504 4505 4506** HYDRA 4507 4508HYDRA, n. A kind of animal that the ancients catalogued under many 4509heads. 4510 4511 4512** HYENA 4513 4514HYENA, n. A beast held in reverence by some oriental nations from its 4515habit of frequenting at night the burial-places of the dead. But the 4516medical student does that. 4517 4518 4519** HYPOCHONDRIASIS 4520 4521HYPOCHONDRIASIS, n. Depression of one's own spirits. 4522 4523 Some heaps of trash upon a vacant lot 4524 Where long the village rubbish had been shot 4525 Displayed a sign among the stuff and stumps -- 4526 "Hypochondriasis." It meant The Dumps. 4527 Bogul S. Purvy 4528 4529 4530** HYPOCRITE 4531 4532HYPOCRITE, n. One who, profession virtues that he does not respect 4533secures the advantage of seeming to be what he depises. 4534 4535 4536 I 4537 4538 4539** I 4540 4541I is the first letter of the alphabet, the first word of the language, 4542the first thought of the mind, the first object of affection. In 4543grammar it is a pronoun of the first person and singular number. Its 4544plural is said to be _We_, but how there can be more than one myself 4545is doubtless clearer the grammarians than it is to the author of this 4546incomparable dictionary. Conception of two myselfs is difficult, but 4547fine. The frank yet graceful use of "I" distinguishes a good writer 4548from a bad; the latter carries it with the manner of a thief trying to 4549cloak his loot. 4550 4551 4552** ICHOR 4553 4554ICHOR, n. A fluid that serves the gods and goddesses in place of 4555blood. 4556 4557 Fair Venus, speared by Diomed, 4558 Restrained the raging chief and said: 4559 "Behold, rash mortal, whom you've bled -- 4560 Your soul's stained white with ichorshed!" 4561 Mary Doke 4562 4563 4564** ICONOCLAST 4565 4566ICONOCLAST, n. A breaker of idols, the worshipers whereof are 4567imperfectly gratified by the performance, and most strenuously protest 4568that he unbuildeth but doth not reedify, that he pulleth down but 4569pileth not up. For the poor things would have other idols in place of 4570those he thwacketh upon the mazzard and dispelleth. But the 4571iconoclast saith: "Ye shall have none at all, for ye need them not; 4572and if the rebuilder fooleth round hereabout, behold I will depress 4573the head of him and sit thereon till he squawk it." 4574 4575 4576** IDIOT 4577 4578IDIOT, n. A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in 4579human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. The Idiot's 4580activity is not confined to any special field of thought or action, 4581but "pervades and regulates the whole." He has the last word in 4582everything; his decision is unappealable. He sets the fashions and 4583opinion of taste, dictates the limitations of speech and circumscribes 4584conduct with a dead-line. 4585 4586 4587** IDLENESS 4588 4589IDLENESS, n. A model farm where the devil experiments with seeds of 4590new sins and promotes the growth of staple vices. 4591 4592 4593** IGNORAMUS 4594 4595IGNORAMUS, n. A person unacquainted with certain kinds of knowledge 4596familiar to yourself, and having certain other kinds that you know 4597nothing about. 4598 4599 Dumble was an ignoramus, 4600 Mumble was for learning famous. 4601 Mumble said one day to Dumble: 4602 "Ignorance should be more humble. 4603 Not a spark have you of knowledge 4604 That was got in any college." 4605 Dumble said to Mumble: "Truly 4606 You're self-satisfied unduly. 4607 Of things in college I'm denied 4608 A knowledge -- you of all beside." 4609 Borelli 4610 4611 4612** ILLUMINATI 4613 4614ILLUMINATI, n. A sect of Spanish heretics of the latter part of the 4615sixteenth century; so called because they were light weights -- 4616_cunctationes illuminati_. 4617 4618 4619** ILLUSTRIOUS 4620 4621ILLUSTRIOUS, adj. Suitably placed for the shafts of malice, envy and 4622detraction. 4623 4624 4625** IMAGINATION 4626 4627IMAGINATION, n. A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint 4628ownership. 4629 4630 4631** IMBECILITY 4632 4633IMBECILITY, n. A kind of divine inspiration, or sacred fire affecting 4634censorious critics of this dictionary. 4635 4636 4637** IMMIGRANT 4638 4639IMMIGRANT, n. An unenlightened person who thinks one country better 4640than another. 4641 4642 4643** IMMODEST 4644 4645IMMODEST, adj. Having a strong sense of one's own merit, coupled with 4646a feeble conception of worth in others. 4647 4648 There was once a man in Ispahan 4649 Ever and ever so long ago, 4650 And he had a head, the phrenologists said, 4651 That fitted him for a show. 4652 4653 For his modesty's bump was so large a lump 4654 (Nature, they said, had taken a freak) 4655 That its summit stood far above the wood 4656 Of his hair, like a mountain peak. 4657 4658 So modest a man in all Ispahan, 4659 Over and over again they swore -- 4660 So humble and meek, you would vainly seek; 4661 None ever was found before. 4662 4663 Meantime the hump of that awful bump 4664 Into the heavens contrived to get 4665 To so great a height that they called the wight 4666 The man with the minaret. 4667 4668 There wasn't a man in all Ispahan 4669 Prouder, or louder in praise of his chump: 4670 With a tireless tongue and a brazen lung 4671 He bragged of that beautiful bump 4672 4673 Till the Shah in a rage sent a trusty page 4674 Bearing a sack and a bow-string too, 4675 And that gentle child explained as he smiled: 4676 "A little present for you." 4677 4678 The saddest man in all Ispahan, 4679 Sniffed at the gift, yet accepted the same. 4680 "If I'd lived," said he, "my humility 4681 Had given me deathless fame!" 4682 Sukker Uffro 4683 4684 4685** IMMORAL 4686 4687IMMORAL, adj. Inexpedient. Whatever in the long run and with regard 4688to the greater number of instances men find to be generally 4689inexpedient comes to be considered wrong, wicked, immoral. If man's 4690notions of right and wrong have any other basis than this of 4691expediency; if they originated, or could have originated, in any other 4692way; if actions have in themselves a moral character apart from, and 4693nowise dependent on, their consequences -- then all philosophy is a 4694lie and reason a disorder of the mind. 4695 4696 4697** IMMORTALITY 4698 4699IMMORTALITY, n. 4700 4701 A toy which people cry for, 4702 And on their knees apply for, 4703 Dispute, contend and lie for, 4704 And if allowed 4705 Would be right proud 4706 Eternally to die for. 4707 G.J. 4708 4709 4710** IMPALE 4711 4712IMPALE, v.t. In popular usage to pierce with any weapon which remains 4713fixed in the wound. This, however, is inaccurate; to imaple is, 4714properly, to put to death by thrusting an upright sharp stake into the 4715body, the victim being left in a sitting position. This was a common 4716mode of punishment among many of the nations of antiquity, and is 4717still in high favor in China and other parts of Asia. Down to the 4718beginning of the fifteenth century it was widely employed in 4719"churching" heretics and schismatics. Wolecraft calls it the "stoole 4720of repentynge," and among the common people it was jocularly known as 4721"riding the one legged horse." Ludwig Salzmann informs us that in 4722Thibet impalement is considered the most appropriate punishment for 4723crimes against religion; and although in China it is sometimes awarded 4724for secular offences, it is most frequently adjudged in cases of 4725sacrilege. To the person in actual experience of impalement it must 4726be a matter of minor importance by what kind of civil or religious 4727dissent he was made acquainted with its discomforts; but doubtless he 4728would feel a certain satisfaction if able to contemplate himself in 4729the character of a weather-cock on the spire of the True Church. 4730 4731 4732** IMPARTIAL 4733 4734IMPARTIAL, adj. Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage 4735from espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two 4736conflicting opinions. 4737 4738 4739** IMPENITENCE 4740 4741IMPENITENCE, n. A state of mind intermediate in point of time between 4742sin and punishment. 4743 4744 4745** IMPIETY 4746 4747IMPIETY, n. Your irreverence toward my deity. 4748 4749 4750** IMPOSITION 4751 4752IMPOSITION, n. The act of blessing or consecrating by the laying on 4753of hands -- a ceremony common to many ecclesiastical systems, but 4754performed with the frankest sincerity by the sect known as Thieves. 4755 4756 "Lo! by the laying on of hands," 4757 Say parson, priest and dervise, 4758 "We consecrate your cash and lands 4759 To ecclesiastical service. 4760 No doubt you'll swear till all is blue 4761 At such an imposition. Do." 4762 Pollo Doncas 4763 4764 4765** IMPOSTOR 4766 4767IMPOSTOR n. A rival aspirant to public honors. 4768 4769 4770** IMPROBABILITY 4771 4772IMPROBABILITY, n. 4773 4774 His tale he told with a solemn face 4775 And a tender, melancholy grace. 4776 Improbable 'twas, no doubt, 4777 When you came to think it out, 4778 But the fascinated crowd 4779 Their deep surprise avowed 4780 And all with a single voice averred 4781 'Twas the most amazing thing they'd heard -- 4782 All save one who spake never a word, 4783 But sat as mum 4784 As if deaf and dumb, 4785 Serene, indifferent and unstirred. 4786 Then all the others turned to him 4787 And scrutinized him limb from limb -- 4788 Scanned him alive; 4789 But he seemed to thrive 4790 And tranquiler grow each minute, 4791 As if there were nothing in it. 4792 "What! what!" cried one, "are you not amazed 4793 At what our friend has told?" He raised 4794 Soberly then his eyes and gazed 4795 In a natural way 4796 And proceeded to say, 4797 As he crossed his feet on the mantel-shelf: 4798 "O no -- not at all; I'm a liar myself." 4799 4800 4801** IMPROVIDENCE 4802 4803IMPROVIDENCE, n. Provision for the needs of to-day from the revenues 4804of to-morrow. 4805 4806 4807** IMPUNITY 4808 4809IMPUNITY, n. Wealth. 4810 4811 4812** INADMISSIBLE 4813 4814INADMISSIBLE, adj. Not competent to be considered. Said of certain 4815kinds of testimony which juries are supposed to be unfit to be 4816entrusted with, and which judges, therefore, rule out, even of 4817proceedings before themselves alone. Hearsay evidence is inadmissible 4818because the person quoted was unsworn and is not before the court for 4819examination; yet most momentous actions, military, political, 4820commercial and of every other kind, are daily undertaken on hearsay 4821evidence. There is no religion in the world that has any other basis 4822than hearsay evidence. Revelation is hearsay evidence; that the 4823Scriptures are the word of God we have only the testimony of men long 4824dead whose identity is not clearly established and who are not known 4825to have been sworn in any sense. Under the rules of evidence as they 4826now exist in this country, no single assertion in the Bible has in its 4827support any evidence admissible in a court of law. It cannot be 4828proved that the battle of Blenheim ever was fought, that there was 4829such as person as Julius Caesar, such an empire as Assyria. 4830 But as records of courts of justice are admissible, it can easily 4831be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were 4832a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which 4833certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a 4834flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it 4835were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court was 4836ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and sorcery 4837for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, human 4838testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. 4839 4840 4841** INAUSPICIOUSLY 4842 4843INAUSPICIOUSLY, adv. In an unpromising manner, the auspices being 4844unfavorable. Among the Romans it was customary before undertaking any 4845important action or enterprise to obtain from the augurs, or state 4846prophets, some hint of its probable outcome; and one of their favorite 4847and most trustworthy modes of divination consisted in observing the 4848flight of birds -- the omens thence derived being called _auspices_. 4849Newspaper reporters and certain miscreant lexicographers have decided 4850that the word -- always in the plural -- shall mean "patronage" or 4851"management"; as, "The festivities were under the auspices of the 4852Ancient and Honorable Order of Body-Snatchers"; or, "The hilarities 4853were auspicated by the Knights of Hunger." 4854 4855 A Roman slave appeared one day 4856 Before the Augur. "Tell me, pray, 4857 If --" here the Augur, smiling, made 4858 A checking gesture and displayed 4859 His open palm, which plainly itched, 4860 For visibly its surface twitched. 4861 A _denarius_ (the Latin nickel) 4862 Successfully allayed the tickle, 4863 And then the slave proceeded: "Please 4864 Inform me whether Fate decrees 4865 Success or failure in what I 4866 To-night (if it be dark) shall try. 4867 Its nature? Never mind -- I think 4868 'Tis writ on this" -- and with a wink 4869 Which darkened half the earth, he drew 4870 Another denarius to view, 4871 Its shining face attentive scanned, 4872 Then slipped it into the good man's hand, 4873 Who with great gravity said: "Wait 4874 While I retire to question Fate." 4875 That holy person then withdrew 4876 His scared clay and, passing through 4877 The temple's rearward gate, cried "Shoo!" 4878 Waving his robe of office. Straight 4879 Each sacred peacock and its mate 4880 (Maintained for Juno's favor) fled 4881 With clamor from the trees o'erhead, 4882 Where they were perching for the night. 4883 The temple's roof received their flight, 4884 For thither they would always go, 4885 When danger threatened them below. 4886 Back to the slave the Augur went: 4887 "My son, forecasting the event 4888 By flight of birds, I must confess 4889 The auspices deny success." 4890 That slave retired, a sadder man, 4891 Abandoning his secret plan -- 4892 Which was (as well the craft seer 4893 Had from the first divined) to clear 4894 The wall and fraudulently seize 4895 On Juno's poultry in the trees. 4896 G.J. 4897 4898 4899** INCOME 4900 4901INCOME, n. The natural and rational gauge and measure of 4902respectability, the commonly accepted standards being artificial, 4903arbitrary and fallacious; for, as "Sir Sycophas Chrysolater" in the 4904play has justly remarked, "the true use and function of property (in 4905whatsoever it consisteth -- coins, or land, or houses, or merchant- 4906stuff, or anything which may be named as holden of right to one's own 4907subservience) as also of honors, titles, preferments and place, and 4908all favor and acquaintance of persons of quality or ableness, are but 4909to get money. Hence it followeth that all things are truly to be 4910rated as of worth in measure of their serviceableness to that end; and 4911their possessors should take rank in agreement thereto, neither the 4912lord of an unproducing manor, howsoever broad and ancient, nor he who 4913bears an unremunerate dignity, nor yet the pauper favorite of a king, 4914being esteemed of level excellency with him whose riches are of daily 4915accretion; and hardly should they whose wealth is barren claim and 4916rightly take more honor than the poor and unworthy." 4917 4918 4919** INCOMPATIBILITY 4920 4921INCOMPATIBILITY, n. In matrimony a similarity of tastes, particularly 4922the taste for domination. Incompatibility may, however, consist of a 4923meek-eyed matron living just around the corner. It has even been 4924known to wear a moustache. 4925 4926 4927** INCOMPOSSIBLE 4928 4929INCOMPOSSIBLE, adj. Unable to exist if something else exists. Two 4930things are incompossible when the world of being has scope enough for 4931one of them, but not enough for both -- as Walt Whitman's poetry and 4932God's mercy to man. Incompossibility, it will be seen, is only 4933incompatibility let loose. Instead of such low language as "Go heel 4934yourself -- I mean to kill you on sight," the words, "Sir, we are 4935incompossible," would convey and equally significant intimation and in 4936stately courtesy are altogether superior. 4937 4938 4939** INCUBUS 4940 4941INCUBUS, n. One of a race of highly improper demons who, though 4942probably not wholly extinct, may be said to have seen their best 4943nights. For a complete account of _incubi_ and _succubi_, including 4944_incubae_ and _succubae_, see the _Liber Demonorum_ of Protassus 4945(Paris, 1328), which contains much curious information that would be 4946out of place in a dictionary intended as a text-book for the public 4947schools. 4948 Victor Hugo relates that in the Channel Islands Satan himself -- 4949tempted more than elsewhere by the beauty of the women, doubtless -- 4950sometimes plays at _incubus_, greatly to the inconvenience and alarm 4951of the good dames who wish to be loyal to their marriage vows, 4952generally speaking. A certain lady applied to the parish priest to 4953learn how they might, in the dark, distinguish the hardy intruder from 4954their husbands. The holy man said they must feel his brown for horns; 4955but Hugo is ungallant enough to hint a doubt of the efficacy of the 4956test. 4957 4958 4959** INCUMBENT 4960 4961INCUMBENT, n. A person of the liveliest interest to the outcumbents. 4962 4963 4964** INDECISION 4965 4966INDECISION, n. The chief element of success; "for whereas," saith Sir 4967Thomas Brewbold, "there is but one way to do nothing and divers way to 4968do something, whereof, to a surety, only one is the right way, it 4969followeth that he who from indecision standeth still hath not so many 4970chances of going astray as he who pusheth forwards" -- a most clear 4971and satisfactory exposition on the matter. 4972 "Your prompt decision to attack," said Genera Grant on a certain 4973occasion to General Gordon Granger, "was admirable; you had but five 4974minutes to make up your mind in." 4975 "Yes, sir," answered the victorious subordinate, "it is a great 4976thing to be know exactly what to do in an emergency. When in doubt 4977whether to attack or retreat I never hesitate a moment -- I toss us a 4978copper." 4979 "Do you mean to say that's what you did this time?" 4980 "Yes, General; but for Heaven's sake don't reprimand me: I 4981disobeyed the coin." 4982 4983 4984** INDIFFERENT 4985 4986INDIFFERENT, adj. Imperfectly sensible to distinctions among things. 4987 4988 "You tiresome man!" cried Indolentio's wife, 4989 "You've grown indifferent to all in life." 4990 "Indifferent?" he drawled with a slow smile; 4991 "I would be, dear, but it is not worth while." 4992 Apuleius M. Gokul 4993 4994 4995** INDIGESTION 4996 4997INDIGESTION, n. A disease which the patient and his friends 4998frequently mistake for deep religious conviction and concern for the 4999salvation of mankind. As the simple Red Man of the western wild put 5000it, with, it must be confessed, a certain force: "Plenty well, no 5001pray; big bellyache, heap God." 5002 5003 5004** INDISCRETION 5005 5006INDISCRETION, n. The guilt of woman. 5007 5008 5009** INEXPEDIENT 5010 5011INEXPEDIENT, adj. Not calculated to advance one's interests. 5012 5013 5014** INFANCY 5015 5016INFANCY, n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, 5017"Heaven lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon 5018afterward. 5019 5020 5021** INFERIAE 5022 5023INFERIAE,n. [Latin] Among the Greeks and Romans, sacrifices for 5024propitation of the _Dii Manes_, or souls of the dead heroes; for the 5025pious ancients could not invent enough gods to satisfy their spiritual 5026needs, and had to have a number of makeshift deities, or, as a sailor 5027might say, jury-gods, which they made out of the most unpromising 5028materials. It was while sacrificing a bullock to the spirit of 5029Agamemnon that Laiaides, a priest of Aulis, was favored with an 5030audience of that illustrious warrior's shade, who prophetically 5031recounted to him the birth of Christ and the triumph of Christianity, 5032giving him also a rapid but tolerably complete review of events down 5033to the reign of Saint Louis. The narrative ended abruptly at the 5034point, owing to the inconsiderate crowing of a cock, which compelled 5035the ghosted King of Men to scamper back to Hades. There is a fine 5036mediaeval flavor to this story, and as it has not been traced back 5037further than Pere Brateille, a pious but obscure writer at the court 5038of Saint Louis, we shall probably not err on the side of presumption 5039in considering it apocryphal, though Monsignor Capel's judgment of the 5040matter might be different; and to that I bow -- wow. 5041 5042 5043** INFIDEL 5044 5045INFIDEL, n. In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian 5046religion; in Constantinople, one who does. (See GIAOUR.) A kind of 5047scoundrel imperfectly reverent of, and niggardly contributory to, 5048divines, ecclesiastics, popes, parsons, canons, monks, mollahs, 5049voodoos, presbyters, hierophants, prelates, obeah-men, abbes, nuns, 5050missionaries, exhorters, deacons, friars, hadjis, high-priests, 5051muezzins, brahmins, medicine-men, confessors, eminences, elders, 5052primates, prebendaries, pilgrims, prophets, imaums, beneficiaries, 5053clerks, vicars-choral, archbishops, bishops, abbots, priors, 5054preachers, padres, abbotesses, caloyers, palmers, curates, patriarchs, 5055bonezs, santons, beadsmen, canonesses, residentiaries, diocesans, 5056deans, subdeans, rural deans, abdals, charm-sellers, archdeacons, 5057hierarchs, class-leaders, incumbents, capitulars, sheiks, talapoins, 5058postulants, scribes, gooroos, precentors, beadles, fakeers, sextons, 5059reverences, revivalists, cenobites, perpetual curates, chaplains, 5060mudjoes, readers, novices, vicars, pastors, rabbis, ulemas, lamas, 5061sacristans, vergers, dervises, lectors, church wardens, cardinals, 5062prioresses, suffragans, acolytes, rectors, cures, sophis, mutifs and 5063pumpums. 5064 5065 5066** INFLUENCE 5067 5068INFLUENCE, n. In politics, a visionary _quo_ given in exchange for a 5069substantial _quid_. 5070 5071 5072** INFALAPSARIAN 5073 5074INFALAPSARIAN, n. One who ventures to believe that Adam need not have 5075sinned unless he had a mind to -- in opposition to the 5076Supralapsarians, who hold that that luckless person's fall was decreed 5077from the beginning. Infralapsarians are sometimes called 5078Sublapsarians without material effect upon the importance and lucidity 5079of their views about Adam. 5080 5081 Two theologues once, as they wended their way 5082 To chapel, engaged in colloquial fray -- 5083 An earnest logomachy, bitter as gall, 5084 Concerning poor Adam and what made him fall. 5085 "'Twas Predestination," cried one -- "for the Lord 5086 Decreed he should fall of his own accord." 5087 "Not so -- 'twas Free will," the other maintained, 5088 "Which led him to choose what the Lord had ordained." 5089 So fierce and so fiery grew the debate 5090 That nothing but bloodshed their dudgeon could sate; 5091 So off flew their cassocks and caps to the ground 5092 And, moved by the spirit, their hands went round. 5093 Ere either had proved his theology right 5094 By winning, or even beginning, the fight, 5095 A gray old professor of Latin came by, 5096 A staff in his hand and a scowl in his eye, 5097 And learning the cause of their quarrel (for still 5098 As they clumsily sparred they disputed with skill 5099 Of foreordination freedom of will) 5100 Cried: "Sirrahs! this reasonless warfare compose: 5101 Atwixt ye's no difference worthy of blows. 5102 The sects ye belong to -- I'm ready to swear 5103 Ye wrongly interpret the names that they bear. 5104 _You_ -- Infralapsarian son of a clown! -- 5105 Should only contend that Adam slipped down; 5106 While _you_ -- you Supralapsarian pup! -- 5107 Should nothing aver but that Adam slipped up. 5108 It's all the same whether up or down 5109 You slip on a peel of banana brown. 5110 Even Adam analyzed not his blunder, 5111 But thought he had slipped on a peal of thunder! 5112 G.J. 5113 5114 5115** INGRATE 5116 5117INGRATE, n. One who receives a benefit from another, or is otherwise 5118an object of charity. 5119 5120 "All men are ingrates," sneered the cynic. "Nay," 5121 The good philanthropist replied; 5122 "I did great service to a man one day 5123 Who never since has cursed me to repay, 5124 Nor vilified." 5125 5126 "Ho!" cried the cynic, "lead me to him straight -- 5127 With veneration I am overcome, 5128 And fain would have his blessing." "Sad your fate -- 5129 He cannot bless you, for AI grieve to state 5130 This man is dumb." 5131 Ariel Selp 5132 5133 5134** INJURY 5135 5136INJURY, n. An offense next in degree of enormity to a slight. 5137 5138 5139** INJUSTICE 5140 5141INJUSTICE, n. A burden which of all those that we load upon others 5142and carry ourselves is lightest in the hands and heaviest upon the 5143back. 5144 5145 5146** INK 5147 5148INK, n. A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic and 5149water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote 5150intellectual crime. The properties of ink are peculiar and 5151contradictory: it may be used to make reputations and unmake them; to 5152blacken them and to make them white; but it is most generally and 5153acceptably employed as a mortar to bind together the stones of an 5154edifice of fame, and as a whitewash to conceal afterward the rascal 5155quality of the material. There are men called journalists who have 5156established ink baths which some persons pay money to get into, others 5157to get out of. Not infrequently it occurs that a person who has paid 5158to get in pays twice as much to get out. 5159 5160 5161** INNATE 5162 5163INNATE, adj. Natural, inherent -- as innate ideas, that is to say, 5164ideas that we are born with, having had them previously imparted to 5165us. The doctrine of innate ideas is one of the most admirable faiths 5166of philosophy, being itself an innate idea and therefore inaccessible 5167to disproof, though Locke foolishly supposed himself to have given it 5168"a black eye." Among innate ideas may be mentioned the belief in 5169one's ability to conduct a newspaper, in the greatness of one's 5170country, in the superiority of one's civilization, in the importance 5171of one's personal affairs and in the interesting nature of one's 5172diseases. 5173 5174 5175** IN'ARDS 5176IN'ARDS, n. The stomach, heart, soul and other bowels. Many eminent 5177investigators do not class the soul as an in'ard, but that acute 5178observer and renowned authority, Dr. Gunsaulus, is persuaded that the 5179mysterious organ known as the spleen is nothing less than our 5180important part. To the contrary, Professor Garrett P. Servis holds 5181that man's soul is that prolongation of his spinal marrow which forms 5182the pith of his no tail; and for demonstration of his faith points 5183confidently to the fact that no tailed animals have no souls. 5184Concerning these two theories, it is best to suspend judgment by 5185believing both. 5186 5187 5188** INSCRIPTION 5189 5190INSCRIPTION, n. Something written on another thing. Inscriptions are 5191of many kinds, but mostly memorial, intended to commemorate the fame 5192of some illustrious person and hand down to distant ages the record of 5193his services and virtues. To this class of inscriptions belongs the 5194name of John Smith, penciled on the Washington monument. Following 5195are examples of memorial inscriptions on tombstones: (See EPITAPH.) 5196 5197 "In the sky my soul is found, 5198 And my body in the ground. 5199 By and by my body'll rise 5200 To my spirit in the skies, 5201 Soaring up to Heaven's gate. 5202 1878." 5203 5204 "Sacred to the memory of Jeremiah Tree. Cut down May 9th, 1862, 5205aged 27 yrs. 4 mos. and 12 ds. Indigenous." 5206 5207 "Affliction sore long time she boar, 5208 Phisicians was in vain, 5209 Till Deth released the dear deceased 5210 And left her a remain. 5211 Gone to join Ananias in the regions of bliss." 5212 5213 "The clay that rests beneath this stone 5214 As Silas Wood was widely known. 5215 Now, lying here, I ask what good 5216 It was to let me be S. Wood. 5217 O Man, let not ambition trouble you, 5218 Is the advice of Silas W." 5219 5220 "Richard Haymon, of Heaven. Fell to Earth Jan. 20, 1807, and had 5221the dust brushed off him Oct. 3, 1874." 5222 5223 5224** INSECTIVORA 5225 5226INSECTIVORA, n. 5227 5228 "See," cries the chorus of admiring preachers, 5229 "How Providence provides for all His creatures!" 5230 "His care," the gnat said, "even the insects follows: 5231 For us He has provided wrens and swallows." 5232 Sempen Railey 5233 5234 5235** INSURANCE 5236 5237INSURANCE, n. An ingenious modern game of chance in which the player 5238is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction that he is beating 5239the man who keeps the table. 5240 5241 INSURANCE AGENT: My dear sir, that is a fine house -- pray let me 5242 insure it. 5243 HOUSE OWNER: With pleasure. Please make the annual premium so 5244 low that by the time when, according to the tables of your 5245 actuary, it will probably be destroyed by fire I will have 5246 paid you considerably less than the face of the policy. 5247 INSURANCE AGENT: O dear, no -- we could not afford to do that. 5248 We must fix the premium so that you will have paid more. 5249 HOUSE OWNER: How, then, can _I_ afford _that_? 5250 INSURANCE AGENT: Why, your house may burn down at any time. 5251 There was Smith's house, for example, which -- 5252 HOUSE OWNER: Spare me -- there were Brown's house, on the 5253 contrary, and Jones's house, and Robinson's house, which -- 5254 INSURANCE AGENT: Spare _me_! 5255 HOUSE OWNER: Let us understand each other. You want me to pay 5256 you money on the supposition that something will occur 5257 previously to the time set by yourself for its occurrence. In 5258 other words, you expect me to bet that my house will not last 5259 so long as you say that it will probably last. 5260 INSURANCE AGENT: But if your house burns without insurance it 5261 will be a total loss. 5262 HOUSE OWNER: Beg your pardon -- by your own actuary's tables I 5263 shall probably have saved, when it burns, all the premiums I 5264 would otherwise have paid to you -- amounting to more than the 5265 face of the policy they would have bought. But suppose it to 5266 burn, uninsured, before the time upon which your figures are 5267 based. If I could not afford that, how could you if it were 5268 insured? 5269 INSURANCE AGENT: O, we should make ourselves whole from our 5270 luckier ventures with other clients. Virtually, they pay your 5271 loss. 5272 HOUSE OWNER: And virtually, then, don't I help to pay their 5273 losses? Are not their houses as likely as mine to burn before 5274 they have paid you as much as you must pay them? The case 5275 stands this way: you expect to take more money from your 5276 clients than you pay to them, do you not? 5277 INSURANCE AGENT: Certainly; if we did not -- 5278 HOUSE OWNER: I would not trust you with my money. Very well 5279 then. If it is _certain_, with reference to the whole body of 5280 your clients, that they lose money on you it is _probable_, 5281 with reference to any one of them, that _he_ will. It is 5282 these individual probabilities that make the aggregate 5283 certainty. 5284 INSURANCE AGENT: I will not deny it -- but look at the figures in 5285 this pamph -- 5286 HOUSE OWNER: Heaven forbid! 5287 INSURANCE AGENT: You spoke of saving the premiums which you would 5288 otherwise pay to me. Will you not be more likely to squander 5289 them? We offer you an incentive to thrift. 5290 HOUSE OWNER: The willingness of A to take care of B's money is 5291 not peculiar to insurance, but as a charitable institution you 5292 command esteem. Deign to accept its expression from a 5293 Deserving Object. 5294 5295 5296** INSURRECTION 5297 5298INSURRECTION, n. An unsuccessful revolution. Disaffection's failure 5299to substitute misrule for bad government. 5300 5301 5302** INTENTION 5303 5304INTENTION, n. The mind's sense of the prevalence of one set of 5305influences over another set; an effect whose cause is the imminence, 5306immediate or remote, of the performance of an involuntary act. 5307 5308 5309** INTERPRETER 5310 5311INTERPRETER, n. One who enables two persons of different languages to 5312understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to 5313the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. 5314 5315 5316** INTERREGNUM 5317 5318INTERREGNUM, n. The period during which a monarchical country is 5319governed by a warm spot on the cushion of the throne. The experiment 5320of letting the spot grow cold has commonly been attended by most 5321unhappy results from the zeal of many worthy persons to make it warm 5322again. 5323 5324 5325** INTIMACY 5326 5327INTIMACY, n. A relation into which fools are providentially drawn for 5328their mutual destruction. 5329 5330 Two Seidlitz powders, one in blue 5331 And one in white, together drew 5332 And having each a pleasant sense 5333 Of t'other powder's excellence, 5334 Forsook their jackets for the snug 5335 Enjoyment of a common mug. 5336 So close their intimacy grew 5337 One paper would have held the two. 5338 To confidences straight they fell, 5339 Less anxious each to hear than tell; 5340 Then each remorsefully confessed 5341 To all the virtues he possessed, 5342 Acknowledging he had them in 5343 So high degree it was a sin. 5344 The more they said, the more they felt 5345 Their spirits with emotion melt, 5346 Till tears of sentiment expressed 5347 Their feelings. Then they effervesced! 5348 So Nature executes her feats 5349 Of wrath on friends and sympathetes 5350 The good old rule who don't apply, 5351 That you are you and I am I. 5352 5353 5354** INTRODUCTION 5355 5356INTRODUCTION, n. A social ceremony invented by the devil for the 5357gratification of his servants and the plaguing of his enemies. The 5358introduction attains its most malevolent development in this century, 5359being, indeed, closely related to our political system. Every 5360American being the equal of every other American, it follows that 5361everybody has the right to know everybody else, which implies the 5362right to introduce without request or permission. The Declaration of 5363Independence should have read thus: 5364 5365 "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are 5366 created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with certain 5367 inalienable rights; that among these are life, and the right to 5368 make that of another miserable by thrusting upon him an 5369 incalculable quantity of acquaintances; liberty, particularly the 5370 liberty to introduce persons to one another without first 5371 ascertaining if they are not already acquainted as enemies; and 5372 the pursuit of another's happiness with a running pack of 5373 strangers." 5374 5375 5376** INVENTOR 5377 5378INVENTOR, n. A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels, 5379levers and springs, and believes it civilization. 5380 5381 5382** IRRELIGION 5383 5384IRRELIGION, n. The principal one of the great faiths of the world. 5385 5386 5387** ITCH 5388 5389ITCH, n. The patriotism of a Scotchman. 5390 5391 5392 J 5393 5394 5395** J 5396 5397J is a consonant in English, but some nations use it as a vowel -- 5398than which nothing could be more absurd. Its original form, which has 5399been but slightly modified, was that of the tail of a subdued dog, and 5400it was not a letter but a character, standing for a Latin verb, 5401_jacere_, "to throw," because when a stone is thrown at a dog the 5402dog's tail assumes that shape. This is the origin of the letter, as 5403expounded by the renowned Dr. Jocolpus Bumer, of the University of 5404Belgrade, who established his conclusions on the subject in a work of 5405three quarto volumes and committed suicide on being reminded that the 5406j in the Roman alphabet had originally no curl. 5407 5408 5409** JEALOUS 5410 5411JEALOUS, adj. Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which 5412can be lost only if not worth keeping. 5413 5414 5415** JESTER 5416 5417JESTER, n. An officer formerly attached to a king's household, whose 5418business it was to amuse the court by ludicrous actions and 5419utterances, the absurdity being attested by his motley costume. The 5420king himself being attired with dignity, it took the world some 5421centuries to discover that his own conduct and decrees were 5422sufficiently ridiculous for the amusement not only of his court but of 5423all mankind. The jester was commonly called a fool, but the poets and 5424romancers have ever delighted to represent him as a singularly wise 5425and witty person. In the circus of to-day the melancholy ghost of the 5426court fool effects the dejection of humbler audiences with the same 5427jests wherewith in life he gloomed the marble hall, panged the 5428patrician sense of humor and tapped the tank of royal tears. 5429 5430 The widow-queen of Portugal 5431 Had an audacious jester 5432 Who entered the confessional 5433 Disguised, and there confessed her. 5434 5435 "Father," she said, "thine ear bend down -- 5436 My sins are more than scarlet: 5437 I love my fool -- blaspheming clown, 5438 And common, base-born varlet." 5439 5440 "Daughter," the mimic priest replied, 5441 "That sin, indeed, is awful: 5442 The church's pardon is denied 5443 To love that is unlawful. 5444 5445 "But since thy stubborn heart will be 5446 For him forever pleading, 5447 Thou'dst better make him, by decree, 5448 A man of birth and breeding." 5449 5450 She made the fool a duke, in hope 5451 With Heaven's taboo to palter; 5452 Then told a priest, who told the Pope, 5453 Who damned her from the altar! 5454 Barel Dort 5455 5456 5457** JEWS-HARP 5458 5459JEWS-HARP, n. An unmusical instrument, played by holding it fast with 5460the teeth and trying to brush it away with the finger. 5461 5462 5463** JOSS-STICKS 5464 5465JOSS-STICKS, n. Small sticks burned by the Chinese in their pagan 5466tomfoolery, in imitation of certain sacred rites of our holy religion. 5467 5468 5469** JUSTICE 5470 5471JUSTICE, n. A commodity which is a more or less adulterated condition 5472the State sells to the citizen as a reward for his allegiance, taxes 5473and personal service. 5474 5475 5476 K 5477 5478 5479 5480** K 5481 5482K is a consonant that we get from the Greeks, but it can be traced 5483away back beyond them to the Cerathians, a small commercial nation 5484inhabiting the peninsula of Smero. In their tongue it was called 5485_Klatch_, which means "destroyed." The form of the letter was 5486originally precisely that of our H, but the erudite Dr. Snedeker 5487explains that it was altered to its present shape to commemorate the 5488destruction of the great temple of Jarute by an earthquake, _circa_ 5489730 B.C. This building was famous for the two lofty columns of its 5490portico, one of which was broken in half by the catastrophe, the other 5491remaining intact. As the earlier form of the letter is supposed to 5492have been suggested by these pillars, so, it is thought by the great 5493antiquary, its later was adopted as a simple and natural -- not to say 5494touching -- means of keeping the calamity ever in the national memory. 5495It is not known if the name of the letter was altered as an additional 5496mnemonic, or if the name was always _Klatch_ and the destruction one 5497of nature's pums. As each theory seems probable enough, I see no 5498objection to believing both -- and Dr. Snedeker arrayed himself on 5499that side of the question. 5500 5501 5502** KEEP 5503 5504KEEP, v.t. 5505 5506 He willed away his whole estate, 5507 And then in death he fell asleep, 5508 Murmuring: "Well, at any rate, 5509 My name unblemished I shall keep." 5510 But when upon the tomb 'twas wrought 5511 Whose was it? -- for the dead keep naught. 5512 Durang Gophel Arn 5513 5514 5515** KILL 5516 5517KILL, v.t. To create a vacancy without nominating a successor. 5518 5519 5520** KILT 5521 5522KILT, n. A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and 5523Americans in Scotland. 5524 5525 5526** KINDNESS 5527 5528KINDNESS, n. A brief preface to ten volumes of exaction. 5529 5530 5531** KING 5532 5533KING, n. A male person commonly known in America as a "crowned head," 5534although he never wears a crown and has usually no head to speak of. 5535 5536 A king, in times long, long gone by, 5537 Said to his lazy jester: 5538 "If I were you and you were I 5539 My moments merrily would fly -- 5540 Nor care nor grief to pester." 5541 5542 "The reason, Sire, that you would thrive," 5543 The fool said -- "if you'll hear it -- 5544 Is that of all the fools alive 5545 Who own you for their sovereign, I've 5546 The most forgiving spirit." 5547 Oogum Bem 5548 5549 5550** KING'S EVIL 5551 5552KING'S EVIL, n. A malady that was formerly cured by the touch of the 5553sovereign, but has now to be treated by the physicians. Thus 'the 5554most pious Edward" of England used to lay his royal hand upon the 5555ailing subjects and make them whole -- 5556 5557 a crowd of wretched souls 5558 That stay his cure: their malady convinces 5559 The great essay of art; but at his touch, 5560 Such sanctity hath Heaven given his hand, 5561 They presently amend, 5562 5563as the "Doctor" in _Macbeth_ hath it. This useful property of the 5564royal hand could, it appears, be transmitted along with other crown 5565properties; for according to "Malcolm," 5566 5567 'tis spoken 5568 To the succeeding royalty he leaves 5569 The healing benediction. 5570 5571 But the gift somewhere dropped out of the line of succession: the 5572later sovereigns of England have not been tactual healers, and the 5573disease once honored with the name "king's evil" now bears the humbler 5574one of "scrofula," from _scrofa_, a sow. The date and author of the 5575following epigram are known only to the author of this dictionary, but 5576it is old enough to show that the jest about Scotland's national 5577disorder is not a thing of yesterday. 5578 5579 Ye Kynge his evill in me laye, 5580 Wh. he of Scottlande charmed awaye. 5581 He layde his hand on mine and sayd: 5582 "Be gone!" Ye ill no longer stayd. 5583 But O ye wofull plyght in wh. 5584 I'm now y-pight: I have ye itche! 5585 5586 The superstition that maladies can be cured by royal taction is 5587dead, but like many a departed conviction it has left a monument of 5588custom to keep its memory green. The practice of forming a line and 5589shaking the President's hand had no other origin, and when that great 5590dignitary bestows his healing salutation on 5591 5592 strangely visited people, 5593 All swoln and ulcerous, pitiful to the eye, 5594 The mere despair of surgery, 5595 5596he and his patients are handing along an extinguished torch which once 5597was kindled at the altar-fire of a faith long held by all classes of 5598men. It is a beautiful and edifying "survival" -- one which brings 5599the sainted past close home in our "business and bosoms." 5600 5601 5602** KISS 5603 5604KISS, n. A word invented by the poets as a rhyme for "bliss." It is 5605supposed to signify, in a general way, some kind of rite or ceremony 5606appertaining to a good understanding; but the manner of its 5607performance is unknown to this lexicographer. 5608 5609 5610** KLEPTOMANIAC 5611 5612KLEPTOMANIAC, n. A rich thief. 5613 5614 5615** KNIGHT 5616 5617KNIGHT, n. 5618 5619 Once a warrior gentle of birth, 5620 Then a person of civic worth, 5621 Now a fellow to move our mirth. 5622 Warrior, person, and fellow -- no more: 5623 We must knight our dogs to get any lower. 5624 Brave Knights Kennelers then shall be, 5625 Noble Knights of the Golden Flea, 5626 Knights of the Order of St. Steboy, 5627 Knights of St. Gorge and Sir Knights Jawy. 5628 God speed the day when this knighting fad 5629 Shall go to the dogs and the dogs go mad. 5630 5631 5632** KORAN 5633 5634KORAN, n. A book which the Mohammedans foolishly believe to have been 5635written by divine inspiration, but which Christians know to be a 5636wicked imposture, contradictory to the Holy Scriptures. 5637 5638 5639 L 5640 5641 5642 5643** LABOR 5644 5645LABOR, n. One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. 5646 5647 5648** LAND 5649 5650LAND, n. A part of the earth's surface, considered as property. The 5651theory that land is property subject to private ownership and control 5652is the foundation of modern society, and is eminently worthy of the 5653superstructure. Carried to its logical conclusion, it means that some 5654have the right to prevent others from living; for the right to own 5655implies the right exclusively to occupy; and in fact laws of trespass 5656are enacted wherever property in land is recognized. It follows that 5657if the whole area of _terra firma_ is owned by A, B and C, there will 5658be no place for D, E, F and G to be born, or, born as trespassers, to 5659exist. 5660 5661 A life on the ocean wave, 5662 A home on the rolling deep, 5663 For the spark the nature gave 5664 I have there the right to keep. 5665 5666 They give me the cat-o'-nine 5667 Whenever I go ashore. 5668 Then ho! for the flashing brine -- 5669 I'm a natural commodore! 5670 Dodle 5671 5672 5673** LANGUAGE 5674 5675LANGUAGE, n. The music with which we charm the serpents guarding 5676another's treasure. 5677 5678 5679** LAOCOON 5680 5681LAOCOON, n. A famous piece of antique scripture representing a priest 5682of that name and his two sons in the folds of two enormous serpents. 5683The skill and diligence with which the old man and lads support the 5684serpents and keep them up to their work have been justly regarded as 5685one of the noblest artistic illustrations of the mastery of human 5686intelligence over brute inertia. 5687 5688 5689** LAP 5690 5691LAP, n. One of the most important organs of the female system -- an 5692admirable provision of nature for the repose of infancy, but chiefly 5693useful in rural festivities to support plates of cold chicken and 5694heads of adult males. The male of our species has a rudimentary lap, 5695imperfectly developed and in no way contributing to the animal's 5696substantial welfare. 5697 5698 5699** LAST 5700 5701LAST, n. A shoemaker's implement, named by a frowning Providence as 5702opportunity to the maker of puns. 5703 5704 Ah, punster, would my lot were cast, 5705 Where the cobbler is unknown, 5706 So that I might forget his last 5707 And hear your own. 5708 Gargo Repsky 5709 5710 5711** LAUGHTER 5712 5713LAUGHTER, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the 5714features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious 5715and, though intermittent, incurable. Liability to attacks of laughter 5716is one of the characteristics distinguishing man from the animals -- 5717these being not only inaccessible to the provocation of his example, 5718but impregnable to the microbes having original jurisdiction in 5719bestowal of the disease. Whether laughter could be imparted to 5720animals by inoculation from the human patient is a question that has 5721not been answered by experimentation. Dr. Meir Witchell holds that 5722the infection character of laughter is due to the instantaneous 5723fermentation of _sputa_ diffused in a spray. From this peculiarity he 5724names the disorder _Convulsio spargens_. 5725 5726 5727** LAUREATE 5728 5729LAUREATE, adj. Crowned with leaves of the laurel. In England the 5730Poet Laureate is an officer of the sovereign's court, acting as 5731dancing skeleton at every royal feast and singing-mute at every royal 5732funeral. Of all incumbents of that high office, Robert Southey had 5733the most notable knack at drugging the Samson of public joy and 5734cutting his hair to the quick; and he had an artistic color-sense 5735which enabled him so to blacken a public grief as to give it the 5736aspect of a national crime. 5737 5738 5739** LAUREL 5740 5741LAUREL, n. The _laurus_, a vegetable dedicated to Apollo, and 5742formerly defoliated to wreathe the brows of victors and such poets as 5743had influence at court. (_Vide supra._) 5744 5745 5746** LAW 5747 5748LAW, n. 5749 5750 Once Law was sitting on the bench, 5751 And Mercy knelt a-weeping. 5752 "Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! 5753 Nor come before me creeping. 5754 Upon your knees if you appear, 5755 'Tis plain your have no standing here." 5756 5757 Then Justice came. His Honor cried: 5758 "_Your_ status? -- devil seize you!" 5759 "_Amica curiae,_" she replied -- 5760 "Friend of the court, so please you." 5761 "Begone!" he shouted -- "there's the door -- 5762 I never saw your face before!" 5763 G.J. 5764 5765 5766** LAWFUL 5767 5768LAWFUL, adj. Compatible with the will of a judge having jurisdiction. 5769 5770 5771** LAWYER 5772 5773LAWYER, n. One skilled in circumvention of the law. 5774 5775 5776** LAZINESS 5777 5778LAZINESS, n. Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree. 5779 5780 5781** LEAD 5782 5783LEAD, n. A heavy blue-gray metal much used in giving stability to 5784light lovers -- particularly to those who love not wisely but other 5785men's wives. Lead is also of great service as a counterpoise to an 5786argument of such weight that it turns the scale of debate the wrong 5787way. An interesting fact in the chemistry of international 5788controversy is that at the point of contact of two patriotisms lead is 5789precipitated in great quantities. 5790 5791 Hail, holy Lead! -- of human feuds the great 5792 And universal arbiter; endowed 5793 With penetration to pierce any cloud 5794 Fogging the field of controversial hate, 5795 And with a sift, inevitable, straight, 5796 Searching precision find the unavowed 5797 But vital point. Thy judgment, when allowed 5798 By the chirurgeon, settles the debate. 5799 O useful metal! -- were it not for thee 5800 We'd grapple one another's ears alway: 5801 But when we hear thee buzzing like a bee 5802 We, like old Muhlenberg, "care not to stay." 5803 And when the quick have run away like pellets 5804 Jack Satan smelts the dead to make new bullets. 5805 5806 5807** LEARNING 5808 5809LEARNING, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious. 5810 5811 5812** LECTURER 5813 5814LECTURER, n. One with his hand in your pocket, his tongue in your ear 5815and his faith in your patience. 5816 5817 5818** LEGACY 5819 5820LEGACY, n. A gift from one who is legging it out of this vale of 5821tears. 5822 5823 5824** LEONINE 5825 5826LEONINE, adj. Unlike a menagerie lion. Leonine verses are those in 5827which a word in the middle of a line rhymes with a word at the end, as 5828in this famous passage from Bella Peeler Silcox: 5829 5830 The electric light invades the dunnest deep of Hades. 5831 Cries Pluto, 'twixt his snores: "O tempora! O mores!" 5832 5833 It should be explained that Mrs. Silcox does not undertake to 5834teach pronunciation of the Greek and Latin tongues. Leonine verses 5835are so called in honor of a poet named Leo, whom prosodists appear to 5836find a pleasure in believing to have been the first to discover that a 5837rhyming couplet could be run into a single line. 5838 5839 5840** LETTUCE 5841 5842LETTUCE, n. An herb of the genus _Lactuca_, "Wherewith," says that 5843pious gastronome, Hengist Pelly, "God has been pleased to reward the 5844good and punish the wicked. For by his inner light the righteous man 5845has discerned a manner of compounding for it a dressing to the 5846appetency whereof a multitude of gustible condiments conspire, being 5847reconciled and ameliorated with profusion of oil, the entire 5848comestible making glad the heart of the godly and causing his face to 5849shine. But the person of spiritual unworth is successfully tempted to 5850the Adversary to eat of lettuce with destitution of oil, mustard, egg, 5851salt and garlic, and with a rascal bath of vinegar polluted with 5852sugar. Wherefore the person of spiritual unworth suffers an 5853intestinal pang of strange complexity and raises the song." 5854 5855 5856** LEVIATHAN 5857 5858LEVIATHAN, n. An enormous aquatic animal mentioned by Job. Some 5859suppose it to have been the whale, but that distinguished 5860ichthyologer, Dr. Jordan, of Stanford University, maintains with 5861considerable heat that it was a species of gigantic Tadpole (_Thaddeus 5862Polandensis_) or Polliwig -- _Maria pseudo-hirsuta_. For an 5863exhaustive description and history of the Tadpole consult the famous 5864monograph of Jane Potter, _Thaddeus of Warsaw_. 5865 5866 5867** LEXICOGRAPHER 5868 5869LEXICOGRAPHER, n. A pestilent fellow who, under the pretense of 5870recording some particular stage in the development of a language, does 5871what he can to arrest its growth, stiffen its flexibility and 5872mechanize its methods. For your lexicographer, having written his 5873dictionary, comes to be considered "as one having authority," whereas 5874his function is only to make a record, not to give a law. The natural 5875servility of the human understanding having invested him with judicial 5876power, surrenders its right of reason and submits itself to a 5877chronicle as if it were a statue. Let the dictionary (for example) 5878mark a good word as "obsolete" or "obsolescent" and few men 5879thereafter venture to use it, whatever their need of it and however 5880desirable its restoration to favor -- whereby the process of 5881improverishment is accelerated and speech decays. On the contrary, 5882recognizing the truth that language must grow by innovation if it grow 5883at all, makes new words and uses the old in an unfamiliar sense, has 5884no following and is tartly reminded that "it isn't in the dictionary" 5885-- although down to the time of the first lexicographer (Heaven 5886forgive him!) no author ever had used a word that _was_ in the 5887dictionary. In the golden prime and high noon of English speech; when 5888from the lips of the great Elizabethans fell words that made their own 5889meaning and carried it in their very sound; when a Shakespeare and a 5890Bacon were possible, and the language now rapidly perishing at one end 5891and slowly renewed at the other was in vigorous growth and hardy 5892preservation -- sweeter than honey and stronger than a lion -- the 5893lexicographer was a person unknown, the dictionary a creation which 5894his Creator had not created him to create. 5895 5896 God said: "Let Spirit perish into Form," 5897 And lexicographers arose, a swarm! 5898 Thought fled and left her clothing, which they took, 5899 And catalogued each garment in a book. 5900 Now, from her leafy covert when she cries: 5901 "Give me my clothes and I'll return," they rise 5902 And scan the list, and say without compassion: 5903 "Excuse us -- they are mostly out of fashion." 5904 Sigismund Smith 5905 5906 5907** LIAR 5908 5909LIAR, n. A lawyer with a roving commission. 5910 5911 5912** LIBERTY 5913 5914LIBERTY, n. One of Imagination's most precious possessions. 5915 5916 The rising People, hot and out of breath, 5917 Roared around the palace: "Liberty or death!" 5918 "If death will do," the King said, "let me reign; 5919 You'll have, I'm sure, no reason to complain." 5920 Martha Braymance 5921 5922 5923** LICKSPITTLE 5924 5925LICKSPITTLE, n. A useful functionary, not infrequently found editing 5926a newspaper. In his character of editor he is closely allied to the 5927blackmailer by the tie of occasional identity; for in truth the 5928lickspittle is only the blackmailer under another aspect, although the 5929latter is frequently found as an independent species. Lickspittling 5930is more detestable than blackmailing, precisely as the business of a 5931confidence man is more detestable than that of a highway robber; and 5932the parallel maintains itself throughout, for whereas few robbers will 5933cheat, every sneak will plunder if he dare. 5934 5935 5936** LIFE 5937 5938LIFE, n. A spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay. We live 5939in daily apprehension of its loss; yet when lost it is not missed. 5940The question, "Is life worth living?" has been much discussed; 5941particularly by those who think it is not, many of whom have written 5942at great length in support of their view and by careful observance of 5943the laws of health enjoyed for long terms of years the honors of 5944successful controversy. 5945 5946 "Life's not worth living, and that's the truth," 5947 Carelessly caroled the golden youth. 5948 In manhood still he maintained that view 5949 And held it more strongly the older he grew. 5950 When kicked by a jackass at eighty-three, 5951 "Go fetch me a surgeon at once!" cried he. 5952 Han Soper 5953 5954 5955** LIGHTHOUSE 5956 5957LIGHTHOUSE, n. A tall building on the seashore in which the 5958government maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician. 5959 5960 5961** LIMB 5962 5963LIMB, n. The branch of a tree or the leg of an American woman. 5964 5965 'Twas a pair of boots that the lady bought, 5966 And the salesman laced them tight 5967 To a very remarkable height -- 5968 Higher, indeed, than I think he ought -- 5969 Higher than _can_ be right. 5970 For the Bible declares -- but never mind: 5971 It is hardly fit 5972 To censure freely and fault to find 5973 With others for sins that I'm not inclined 5974 Myself to commit. 5975 Each has his weakness, and though my own 5976 Is freedom from every sin, 5977 It still were unfair to pitch in, 5978 Discharging the first censorious stone. 5979 Besides, the truth compels me to say, 5980 The boots in question were _made_ that way. 5981 As he drew the lace she made a grimace, 5982 And blushingly said to him: 5983 "This boot, I'm sure, is too high to endure, 5984 It hurts my -- hurts my -- limb." 5985 The salesman smiled in a manner mild, 5986 Like an artless, undesigning child; 5987 Then, checking himself, to his face he gave 5988 A look as sorrowful as the grave, 5989 Though he didn't care two figs 5990 For her paints and throes, 5991 As he stroked her toes, 5992 Remarking with speech and manner just 5993 Befitting his calling: "Madam, I trust 5994 That it doesn't hurt your twigs." 5995 B. Percival Dike 5996 5997 5998** LINEN 5999 6000LINEN, n. "A kind of cloth the making of which, when made of hemp, 6001entails a great waste of hemp." -- Calcraft the Hangman. 6002 6003 6004** LITIGANT 6005 6006LITIGANT, n. A person about to give up his skin for the hope of 6007retaining his bones. 6008 6009 6010** LITIGATION 6011 6012LITIGATION, n. A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of 6013as a sausage. 6014 6015 6016** LIVER 6017 6018LIVER, n. A large red organ thoughtfully provided by nature to be 6019bilious with. The sentiments and emotions which every literary 6020anatomist now knows to haunt the heart were anciently believed to 6021infest the liver; and even Gascoygne, speaking of the emotional side 6022of human nature, calls it "our hepaticall parte." It was at one time 6023considered the seat of life; hence its name -- liver, the thing we 6024live with. The liver is heaven's best gift to the goose; without it 6025that bird would be unable to supply us with the Strasbourg _pate_. 6026 6027 6028LL.D. Letters indicating the degree _Legumptionorum Doctor_, one 6029learned in laws, gifted with legal gumption. Some suspicion is cast 6030upon this derivation by the fact that the title was formerly _LL.d._, 6031and conferred only upon gentlemen distinguished for their wealth. At 6032the date of this writing Columbia University is considering the 6033expediency of making another degree for clergymen, in place of the old 6034D.D. -- _Damnator Diaboli_. The new honor will be known as _Sanctorum 6035Custus_, and written _$$c_. The name of the Rev. John Satan has been 6036suggested as a suitable recipient by a lover of consistency, who 6037points out that Professor Harry Thurston Peck has long enjoyed the 6038advantage of a degree. 6039 6040 6041** LOCK-AND-KEY 6042 6043LOCK-AND-KEY, n. The distinguishing device of civilization and 6044enlightenment. 6045 6046 6047** LODGER 6048 6049LODGER, n. A less popular name for the Second Person of that 6050delectable newspaper Trinity, the Roomer, the Bedder, and the Mealer. 6051 6052 6053** LOGIC 6054 6055LOGIC, n. The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with 6056the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The 6057basic of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor 6058premise and a conclusion -- thus: 6059 _Major Premise_: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as 6060quickly as one man. 6061 _Minor Premise_: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds; 6062therefore -- 6063 _Conclusion_: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. 6064 This may be called the syllogism arithmetical, in which, by 6065combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are 6066twice blessed. 6067 6068 6069** LOGOMACHY 6070 6071LOGOMACHY, n. A war in which the weapons are words and the wounds 6072punctures in the swim-bladder of self-esteem -- a kind of contest in 6073which, the vanquished being unconscious of defeat, the victor is 6074denied the reward of success. 6075 6076 'Tis said by divers of the scholar-men 6077 That poor Salmasius died of Milton's pen. 6078 Alas! we cannot know if this is true, 6079 For reading Milton's wit we perish too. 6080 6081 6082** LOGANIMITY 6083 6084LOGANIMITY, n. The disposition to endure injury with meek forbearance 6085while maturing a plan of revenge. 6086 6087 6088** LONGEVITY 6089 6090LONGEVITY, n. Uncommon extension of the fear of death. 6091 6092 6093** LOOKING-GLASS 6094 6095LOOKING-GLASS, n. A vitreous plane upon which to display a fleeting 6096show for man's disillusion given. 6097 The King of Manchuria had a magic looking-glass, whereon whoso 6098looked saw, not his own image, but only that of the king. A certain 6099courtier who had long enjoyed the king's favor and was thereby 6100enriched beyond any other subject of the realm, said to the king: 6101"Give me, I pray, thy wonderful mirror, so that when absent out of 6102thine august presence I may yet do homage before thy visible shadow, 6103prostrating myself night and morning in the glory of thy benign 6104countenance, as which nothing has so divine splendor, O Noonday Sun of 6105the Universe!" 6106 Please with the speech, the king commanded that the mirror be 6107conveyed to the courtier's palace; but after, having gone thither 6108without apprisal, he found it in an apartment where was naught but 6109idle lumber. And the mirror was dimmed with dust and overlaced with 6110cobwebs. This so angered him that he fisted it hard, shattering the 6111glass, and was sorely hurt. Enraged all the more by this mischance, 6112he commanded that the ungrateful courtier be thrown into prison, and 6113that the glass be repaired and taken back to his own palace; and this 6114was done. But when the king looked again on the mirror he saw not his 6115image as before, but only the figure of a crowned ass, having a bloody 6116bandage on one of its hinder hooves -- as the artificers and all who 6117had looked upon it had before discerned but feared to report. Taught 6118wisdom and charity, the king restored his courtier to liberty, had the 6119mirror set into the back of the throne and reigned many years with 6120justice and humility; and one day when he fell asleep in death while 6121on the throne, the whole court saw in the mirror the luminous figure 6122of an angel, which remains to this day. 6123 6124 6125** LOQUACITY 6126 6127LOQUACITY, n. A disorder which renders the sufferer unable to curb 6128his tongue when you wish to talk. 6129 6130 6131** LORD 6132 6133LORD, n. In American society, an English tourist above the state of a 6134costermonger, as, lord 'Aberdasher, Lord Hartisan and so forth. The 6135traveling Briton of lesser degree is addressed as "Sir," as, Sir 'Arry 6136Donkiboi, or 'Amstead 'Eath. The word "Lord" is sometimes used, also, 6137as a title of the Supreme Being; but this is thought to be rather 6138flattery than true reverence. 6139 6140 Miss Sallie Ann Splurge, of her own accord, 6141 Wedded a wandering English lord -- 6142 Wedded and took him to dwell with her "paw," 6143 A parent who throve by the practice of Draw. 6144 Lord Cadde I don't hesitate to declare 6145 Unworthy the father-in-legal care 6146 Of that elderly sport, notwithstanding the truth 6147 That Cadde had renounced all the follies of youth; 6148 For, sad to relate, he'd arrived at the stage 6149 Of existence that's marked by the vices of age. 6150 Among them, cupidity caused him to urge 6151 Repeated demands on the pocket of Splurge, 6152 Till, wrecked in his fortune, that gentleman saw 6153 Inadequate aid in the practice of Draw, 6154 And took, as a means of augmenting his pelf, 6155 To the business of being a lord himself. 6156 His neat-fitting garments he wilfully shed 6157 And sacked himself strangely in checks instead; 6158 Denuded his chin, but retained at each ear 6159 A whisker that looked like a blasted career. 6160 He painted his neck an incarnadine hue 6161 Each morning and varnished it all that he knew. 6162 The moony monocular set in his eye 6163 Appeared to be scanning the Sweet Bye-and-Bye. 6164 His head was enroofed with a billycock hat, 6165 And his low-necked shoes were aduncous and flat. 6166 In speech he eschewed his American ways, 6167 Denying his nose to the use of his A's 6168 And dulling their edge till the delicate sense 6169 Of a babe at their temper could take no offence. 6170 His H's -- 'twas most inexpressibly sweet, 6171 The patter they made as they fell at his feet! 6172 Re-outfitted thus, Mr. Splurge without fear 6173 Began as Lord Splurge his recouping career. 6174 Alas, the Divinity shaping his end 6175 Entertained other views and decided to send 6176 His lordship in horror, despair and dismay 6177 From the land of the nobleman's natural prey. 6178 For, smit with his Old World ways, Lady Cadde 6179 Fell -- suffering Caesar! -- in love with her dad! 6180 G.J. 6181 6182 6183** LORE 6184 6185LORE, n. Learning -- particularly that sort which is not derived from 6186a regular course of instruction but comes of the reading of occult 6187books, or by nature. This latter is commonly designated as folk-lore 6188and embraces popularly myths and superstitions. In Baring-Gould's 6189_Curious Myths of the Middle Ages_ the reader will find many of these 6190traced backward, through various people son converging lines, toward a 6191common origin in remote antiquity. Among these are the fables of 6192"Teddy the Giant Killer," "The Sleeping John Sharp Williams," "Little 6193Red Riding Hood and the Sugar Trust," "Beauty and the Brisbane," "The 6194Seven Aldermen of Ephesus," "Rip Van Fairbanks," and so forth. The 6195fable with Goethe so affectingly relates under the title of "The Erl- 6196King" was known two thousand years ago in Greece as "The Demos and the 6197Infant Industry." One of the most general and ancient of these myths 6198is that Arabian tale of "Ali Baba and the Forty Rockefellers." 6199 6200 6201** LOSS 6202 6203LOSS, n. Privation of that which we had, or had not. Thus, in the 6204latter sense, it is said of a defeated candidate that he "lost his 6205election"; and of that eminent man, the poet Gilder, that he has "lost 6206his mind." It is in the former and more legitimate sense, that the 6207word is used in the famous epitaph: 6208 6209 Here Huntington's ashes long have lain 6210 Whose loss is our eternal gain, 6211 For while he exercised all his powers 6212 Whatever he gained, the loss was ours. 6213 6214 6215** LOVE 6216 6217LOVE, n. A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of 6218the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. 6219This disease, like _caries_ and many other ailments, is prevalent only 6220among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous 6221nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from 6222its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the 6223physician than to the patient. 6224 6225 6226** LOW-BRED 6227 6228LOW-BRED, adj. "Raised" instead of brought up. 6229 6230 6231** LUMINARY 6232 6233LUMINARY, n. One who throws light upon a subject; as an editor by not 6234writing about it. 6235 6236 6237** LUNARIAN 6238 6239LUNARIAN, n. An inhabitant of the moon, as distinguished from 6240Lunatic, one whom the moon inhabits. The Lunarians have been 6241described by Lucian, Locke and other observers, but without much 6242agreement. For example, Bragellos avers their anatomical identity 6243with Man, but Professor Newcomb says they are more like the hill 6244tribes of Vermont. 6245 6246 6247** LYRE 6248 6249LYRE, n. An ancient instrument of torture. The word is now used in a 6250figurative sense to denote the poetic faculty, as in the following 6251fiery lines of our great poet, Ella Wheeler Wilcox: 6252 6253 I sit astride Parnassus with my lyre, 6254 And pick with care the disobedient wire. 6255 That stupid shepherd lolling on his crook 6256 With deaf attention scarcely deigns to look. 6257 I bide my time, and it shall come at length, 6258 When, with a Titan's energy and strength, 6259 I'll grab a fistful of the strings, and O, 6260 The word shall suffer when I let them go! 6261 Farquharson Harris 6262 6263 6264 M 6265 6266 6267 6268** MACE 6269 6270MACE, n. A staff of office signifying authority. Its form, that of a 6271heavy club, indicates its original purpose and use in dissuading from 6272dissent. 6273 6274 6275** MACHINATION 6276 6277MACHINATION, n. The method employed by one's opponents in baffling 6278one's open and honorable efforts to do the right thing. 6279 6280 So plain the advantages of machination 6281 It constitutes a moral obligation, 6282 And honest wolves who think upon't with loathing 6283 Feel bound to don the sheep's deceptive clothing. 6284 So prospers still the diplomatic art, 6285 And Satan bows, with hand upon his heart. 6286 R.S.K. 6287 6288 6289** MACROBIAN 6290 6291MACROBIAN, n. One forgotten of the gods and living to a great age. 6292History is abundantly supplied with examples, from Methuselah to Old 6293Parr, but some notable instances of longevity are less well known. A 6294Calabrian peasant named Coloni, born in 1753, lived so long that he 6295had what he considered a glimpse of the dawn of universal peace. 6296Scanavius relates that he knew an archbishop who was so old that he 6297could remember a time when he did not deserve hanging. In 1566 a 6298linen draper of Bristol, England, declared that he had lived five 6299hundred years, and that in all that time he had never told a lie. 6300There are instances of longevity (_macrobiosis_) in our own country. 6301Senator Chauncey Depew is old enough to know better. The editor of 6302_The American_, a newspaper in New York City, has a memory that goes 6303back to the time when he was a rascal, but not to the fact. The 6304President of the United States was born so long ago that many of the 6305friends of his youth have risen to high political and military 6306preferment without the assistance of personal merit. The verses 6307following were written by a macrobian: 6308 6309 When I was young the world was fair 6310 And amiable and sunny. 6311 A brightness was in all the air, 6312 In all the waters, honey. 6313 The jokes were fine and funny, 6314 The statesmen honest in their views, 6315 And in their lives, as well, 6316 And when you heard a bit of news 6317 'Twas true enough to tell. 6318 Men were not ranting, shouting, reeking, 6319 Nor women "generally speaking." 6320 6321 The Summer then was long indeed: 6322 It lasted one whole season! 6323 The sparkling Winter gave no heed 6324 When ordered by Unreason 6325 To bring the early peas on. 6326 Now, where the dickens is the sense 6327 In calling that a year 6328 Which does no more than just commence 6329 Before the end is near? 6330 When I was young the year extended 6331 From month to month until it ended. 6332 6333 I know not why the world has changed 6334 To something dark and dreary, 6335 And everything is now arranged 6336 To make a fellow weary. 6337 The Weather Man -- I fear he 6338 Has much to do with it, for, sure, 6339 The air is not the same: 6340 It chokes you when it is impure, 6341 When pure it makes you lame. 6342 With windows closed you are asthmatic; 6343 Open, neuralgic or sciatic. 6344 6345 Well, I suppose this new regime 6346 Of dun degeneration 6347 Seems eviler than it would seem 6348 To a better observation, 6349 And has for compensation 6350 Some blessings in a deep disguise 6351 Which mortal sight has failed 6352 To pierce, although to angels' eyes 6353 They're visible unveiled. 6354 If Age is such a boon, good land! 6355 He's costumed by a master hand! 6356 Venable Strigg 6357 6358 6359** MAD 6360 6361MAD, adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; 6362not conforming to standards of thought, speech and action derived by 6363the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; 6364in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad 6365by officials destitute of evidence that themselves are sane. For 6366illustration, this present (and illustrious) lexicographer is no 6367firmer in the faith of his own sanity than is any inmate of any 6368madhouse in the land; yet for aught he knows to the contrary, instead 6369of the lofty occupation that seems to him to be engaging his powers he 6370may really be beating his hands against the window bars of an asylum 6371and declaring himself Noah Webster, to the innocent delight of many 6372thoughtless spectators. 6373 6374 6375** MAGDALENE 6376 6377MAGDALENE, n. An inhabitant of Magdala. Popularly, a woman found 6378out. This definition of the word has the authority of ignorance, Mary 6379of Magdala being another person than the penitent woman mentioned by 6380St. Luke. It has also the official sanction of the governments of 6381Great Britain and the United States. In England the word is 6382pronounced Maudlin, whence maudlin, adjective, unpleasantly 6383sentimental. With their Maudlin for Magdalene, and their Bedlam for 6384Bethlehem, the English may justly boast themselves the greatest of 6385revisers. 6386 6387 6388** MAGIC 6389 6390MAGIC, n. An art of converting superstition into coin. There are 6391other arts serving the same high purpose, but the discreet 6392lexicographer does not name them. 6393 6394 6395** MAGNET 6396 6397MAGNET, n. Something acted upon by magnetism. 6398 6399 6400** MAGNETISM 6401 6402MAGNETISM, n. Something acting upon a magnet. 6403 The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the 6404works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the 6405subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of 6406human knowledge. 6407 6408 6409** MAGNIFICENT 6410 6411MAGNIFICENT, adj. Having a grandeur or splendor superior to that to 6412which the spectator is accustomed, as the ears of an ass, to a rabbit, 6413or the glory of a glowworm, to a maggot. 6414 6415 6416** MAGNITUDE 6417 6418MAGNITUDE, n. Size. Magnitude being purely relative, nothing is 6419large and nothing small. If everything in the universe were increased 6420in bulk one thousand diameters nothing would be any larger than it was 6421before, but if one thing remain unchanged all the others would be 6422larger than they had been. To an understanding familiar with the 6423relativity of magnitude and distance the spaces and masses of the 6424astronomer would be no more impressive than those of the microscopist. 6425For anything we know to the contrary, the visible universe may be a 6426small part of an atom, with its component ions, floating in the life- 6427fluid (luminiferous ether) of some animal. Possibly the wee creatures 6428peopling the corpuscles of our own blood are overcome with the proper 6429emotion when contemplating the unthinkable distance from one of these 6430to another. 6431 6432 6433** MAGPIE 6434 6435MAGPIE, n. A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone 6436that it might be taught to talk. 6437 6438 6439** MAIDEN 6440 6441MAIDEN, n. A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless 6442conduct and views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide 6443geographical distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored 6444wherever found. The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, 6445nor (without her piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though 6446in respect to comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with 6447regard to the part of her that is audible, bleating out of the field 6448by the canary -- which, also, is more portable. 6449 6450 A lovelorn maiden she sat and sang -- 6451 This quaint, sweet song sang she; 6452 "It's O for a youth with a football bang 6453 And a muscle fair to see! 6454 The Captain he 6455 Of a team to be! 6456 On the gridiron he shall shine, 6457 A monarch by right divine, 6458 And never to roast on it -- me!" 6459 Opoline Jones 6460 6461 6462** MAJESTY 6463 6464MAJESTY, n. The state and title of a king. Regarded with a just 6465contempt by the Most Eminent Grand Masters, Grand Chancellors, Great 6466Incohonees and Imperial Potentates of the ancient and honorable orders 6467of republican America. 6468 6469 6470** MALE 6471 6472MALE, n. A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male 6473of the human race is commonly known (to the female) as Mere Man. The 6474genus has two varieties: good providers and bad providers. 6475 6476 6477** MALEFACTOR 6478 6479MALEFACTOR, n. The chief factor in the progress of the human race. 6480 6481 6482** MALTHUSIAN 6483 6484MALTHUSIAN, adj. Pertaining to Malthus and his doctrines. Malthus 6485believed in artificially limiting population, but found that it could 6486not be done by talking. One of the most practical exponents of the 6487Malthusian idea was Herod of Judea, though all the famous soldiers 6488have been of the same way of thinking. 6489 6490 6491** MAMMALIA 6492 6493MAMMALIA, n.pl. A family of vertebrate animals whose females in a 6494state of nature suckle their young, but when civilized and enlightened 6495put them out to nurse, or use the bottle. 6496 6497 6498** MAMMON 6499 6500MAMMON, n. The god of the world's leading religion. The chief temple 6501is in the holy city of New York. 6502 6503 He swore that all other religions were gammon, 6504 And wore out his knees in the worship of Mammon. 6505 Jared Oopf 6506 6507 6508** MAN 6509 6510MAN, n. An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he 6511thinks he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His 6512chief occupation is extermination of other animals and his own 6513species, which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to 6514infest the whole habitable earh and Canada. 6515 6516 When the world was young and Man was new, 6517 And everything was pleasant, 6518 Distinctions Nature never drew 6519 'Mongst kings and priest and peasant. 6520 We're not that way at present, 6521 Save here in this Republic, where 6522 We have that old regime, 6523 For all are kings, however bare 6524 Their backs, howe'er extreme 6525 Their hunger. And, indeed, each has a voice 6526 To accept the tyrant of his party's choice. 6527 6528 A citizen who would not vote, 6529 And, therefore, was detested, 6530 Was one day with a tarry coat 6531 (With feathers backed and breasted) 6532 By patriots invested. 6533 "It is your duty," cried the crowd, 6534 "Your ballot true to cast 6535 For the man o' your choice." He humbly bowed, 6536 And explained his wicked past: 6537 "That's what I very gladly would have done, 6538 Dear patriots, but he has never run." 6539 Apperton Duke 6540 6541 6542** MANES 6543 6544MANES, n. The immortal parts of dead Greeks and Romans. They were in 6545a state of dull discomfort until the bodies from which they had 6546exhaled were buried and burned; and they seem not to have been 6547particularly happy afterward. 6548 6549 6550** MANICHEISM 6551 6552MANICHEISM, n. The ancient Persian doctrine of an incessant warfare 6553between Good and Evil. When Good gave up the fight the Persians 6554joined the victorious Opposition. 6555 6556 6557** MANNA 6558 6559MANNA, n. A food miraculously given to the Israelites in the 6560wilderness. When it was no longer supplied to them they settled 6561down and tilled the soil, fertilizing it, as a rule, with the bodies 6562of the original occupants. 6563 6564 6565** MARRIAGE 6566 6567MARRIAGE, n. The state or condition of a community consisting of a 6568master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two. 6569 6570 6571** MARTYR 6572 6573MARTYR, n. One who moves along the line of least reluctance to a 6574desired death. 6575 6576 6577** MATERIAL 6578 6579MATERIAL, adj. Having an actual existence, as distinguished from an 6580imaginary one. Important. 6581 6582 Material things I know, or fell, or see; 6583 All else is immaterial to me. 6584 Jamrach Holobom 6585 6586 6587** MAUSOLEUM 6588 6589MAUSOLEUM, n. The final and funniest folly of the rich. 6590 6591 6592** MAYONNAISE 6593 6594MAYONNAISE, n. One of the sauces which serve the French in place of a 6595state religion. 6596 6597 6598** ME 6599 6600ME, pro. The objectionable case of I. The personal pronoun in 6601English has three cases, the dominative, the objectionable and the 6602oppressive. Each is all three. 6603 6604 6605** MEANDER 6606 6607MEANDER, n. To proceed sinuously and aimlessly. The word is the 6608ancient name of a river about one hundred and fifty miles south of 6609Troy, which turned and twisted in the effort to get out of hearing 6610when the Greeks and Trojans boasted of their prowess. 6611 6612 6613** MEDAL 6614 6615MEDAL, n. A small metal disk given as a reward for virtues, 6616attainments or services more or less authentic. 6617 It is related of Bismark, who had been awarded a medal for 6618gallantly rescuing a drowning person, that, being asked the meaning of 6619the medal, he replied: "I save lives sometimes." And sometimes he 6620didn't. 6621 6622 6623** MEDICINE 6624 6625MEDICINE, n. A stone flung down the Bowery to kill a dog in Broadway. 6626 6627 6628** MEEKNESS 6629 6630MEEKNESS, n. Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth 6631while. 6632 6633 M is for Moses, 6634 Who slew the Egyptian. 6635 As sweet as a rose is 6636 The meekness of Moses. 6637 No monument shows his 6638 Post-mortem inscription, 6639 But M is for Moses 6640 Who slew the Egyptian. 6641 _The Biographical Alphabet_ 6642 6643** MEERSCHAUM 6644 6645MEERSCHAUM, n. (Literally, seafoam, and by many erroneously supposed 6646to be made of it.) A fine white clay, which for convenience in 6647coloring it brown is made into tobacco pipes and smoked by the workmen 6648engaged in that industry. The purpose of coloring it has not been 6649disclosed by the manufacturers. 6650 6651 There was a youth (you've heard before, 6652 This woeful tale, may be), 6653 Who bought a meerschaum pipe and swore 6654 That color it would he! 6655 6656 He shut himself from the world away, 6657 Nor any soul he saw. 6658 He smoke by night, he smoked by day, 6659 As hard as he could draw. 6660 6661 His dog died moaning in the wrath 6662 Of winds that blew aloof; 6663 The weeds were in the gravel path, 6664 The owl was on the roof. 6665 6666 "He's gone afar, he'll come no more," 6667 The neighbors sadly say. 6668 And so they batter in the door 6669 To take his goods away. 6670 6671 Dead, pipe in mouth, the youngster lay, 6672 Nut-brown in face and limb. 6673 "That pipe's a lovely white," they say, 6674 "But it has colored him!" 6675 6676 The moral there's small need to sing -- 6677 'Tis plain as day to you: 6678 Don't play your game on any thing 6679 That is a gamester too. 6680 Martin Bulstrode 6681 6682 6683** MENDACIOUS 6684 6685MENDACIOUS, adj. Addicted to rhetoric. 6686 6687 6688** MERCHANT 6689 6690MERCHANT, n. One engaged in a commercial pursuit. A commercial 6691pursuit is one in which the thing pursued is a dollar. 6692 6693 6694** MERCY 6695 6696MERCY, n. An attribute beloved of detected offenders. 6697 6698 6699** MESMERISM 6700 6701MESMERISM, n. Hypnotism before it wore good clothes, kept a carriage 6702and asked Incredulity to dinner. 6703 6704 6705** METROPOLIS 6706 6707METROPOLIS, n. A stronghold of provincialism. 6708 6709 6710** MILLENNIUM 6711 6712MILLENNIUM, n. The period of a thousand years when the lid is to be 6713screwed down, with all reformers on the under side. 6714 6715 6716** MIND 6717 6718MIND, n. A mysterious form of matter secreted by the brain. Its 6719chief activity consists in the endeavor to ascertain its own nature, 6720the futility of the attempt being due to the fact that it has nothing 6721but itself to know itself with. From the Latin _mens_, a fact unknown 6722to that honest shoe-seller, who, observing that his learned competitor 6723over the way had displayed the motto "_Mens conscia recti_," 6724emblazoned his own front with the words "Men's, women's and children's 6725conscia recti." 6726 6727 6728** MINE 6729 6730MINE, adj. Belonging to me if I can hold or seize it. 6731 6732 6733** MINISTER 6734 6735MINISTER, n. An agent of a higher power with a lower responsibility. 6736In diplomacy and officer sent into a foreign country as the visible 6737embodiment of his sovereign's hostility. His principal qualification 6738is a degree of plausible inveracity next below that of an ambassador. 6739 6740 6741** MINOR 6742 6743MINOR, adj. Less objectionable. 6744 6745 6746** MINSTREL 6747 6748MINSTREL, adj. Formerly a poet, singer or musician; now a nigger with 6749a color less than skin deep and a humor more than flesh and blood can 6750bear. 6751 6752 6753** MIRACLE 6754 6755MIRACLE, n. An act or event out of the order of nature and 6756unaccountable, as beating a normal hand of four kings and an ace with 6757four aces and a king. 6758 6759 6760** MISCREANT 6761 6762MISCREANT, n. A person of the highest degree of unworth. 6763Etymologically, the word means unbeliever, and its present 6764signification may be regarded as theology's noblest contribution to 6765the development of our language. 6766 6767 6768** MISDEMEANOR 6769 6770MISDEMEANOR, n. An infraction of the law having less dignity than a 6771felony and constituting no claim to admittance into the best criminal 6772society. 6773 6774 By misdemeanors he essays to climb 6775 Into the aristocracy of crime. 6776 O, woe was him! -- with manner chill and grand 6777 "Captains of industry" refused his hand, 6778 "Kings of finance" denied him recognition 6779 And "railway magnates" jeered his low condition. 6780 He robbed a bank to make himself respected. 6781 They still rebuffed him, for he was detected. 6782 S.V. Hanipur 6783 6784 6785** MISERICORDE 6786 6787MISERICORDE, n. A dagger which in mediaeval warfare was used by the 6788foot soldier to remind an unhorsed knight that he was mortal. 6789 6790 6791** MISFORTUNE 6792 6793MISFORTUNE, n. The kind of fortune that never misses. 6794 6795 6796** MISS 6797 6798MISS, n. The title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate 6799that they are in the market. Miss, Missis (Mrs.) and Mister (Mr.) are 6800the three most distinctly disagreeable words in the language, in sound 6801and sense. Two are corruptions of Mistress, the other of Master. In 6802the general abolition of social titles in this our country they 6803miraculously escaped to plague us. If we must have them let us be 6804consistent and give one to the unmarried man. I venture to suggest 6805Mush, abbreviated to Mh. 6806 6807 6808** MOLECULE 6809 6810MOLECULE, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is 6811distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit 6812of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, 6813indivisible unit of matter. Three great scientific theories of the 6814structure of the universe are the molecular, the corpuscular and the 6815atomic. A fourth affirms, with Haeckel, the condensation of 6816precipitation of matter from ether -- whose existence is proved by the 6817condensation of precipitation. The present trend of scientific 6818thought is toward the theory of ions. The ion differs from the 6819molecule, the corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion. A fifth 6820theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any more 6821about the matter than the others. 6822 6823 6824** MONAD 6825 6826MONAD, n. The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. (See 6827_Molecule_.) According to Leibnitz, as nearly as he seems willing to 6828be understood, the monad has body without bulk, and mind without 6829manifestation -- Leibnitz knows him by the innate power of 6830considering. He has founded upon him a theory of the universe, which 6831the creature bears without resentment, for the monad is a gentlmean. 6832Small as he is, the monad contains all the powers and possibilities 6833needful to his evolution into a German philosopher of the first class 6834-- altogether a very capable little fellow. He is not to be 6835confounded with the microbe, or bacillus; by its inability to discern 6836him, a good microscope shows him to be of an entirely distinct 6837species. 6838 6839 6840** MONARCH 6841 6842MONARCH, n. A person engaged in reigning. Formerly the monarch 6843ruled, as the derivation of the word attests, and as many subjects 6844have had occasion to learn. In Russia and the Orient the monarch has 6845still a considerable influence in public affairs and in the 6846disposition of the human head, but in western Europe political 6847administration is mostly entrusted to his ministers, he being 6848somewhat preoccupied with reflections relating to the status of his 6849own head. 6850 6851 6852** MONARCHICAL GOVERNMENT 6853 6854MONARCHICAL GOVERNMENT, n. Government. 6855 6856 6857** MONDAY 6858 6859MONDAY, n. In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. 6860 6861 6862** MONEY 6863 6864MONEY, n. A blessing that is of no advantage to us excepting when we 6865part with it. An evidence of culture and a passport to polite 6866society. Supportable property. 6867 6868 6869** MONKEY 6870 6871MONKEY, n. An arboreal animal which makes itself at home in 6872genealogical trees. 6873 6874 6875** MONOSYLLABIC 6876 6877MONOSYLLABIC, adj. Composed of words of one syllable, for literary 6878babes who never tire of testifying their delight in the vapid compound 6879by appropriate googoogling. The words are commonly Saxon -- that is 6880to say, words of a barbarous people destitute of ideas and incapable 6881of any but the most elementary sentiments and emotions. 6882 6883 The man who writes in Saxon 6884 Is the man to use an ax on 6885 Judibras 6886 6887 6888** MONSIGNOR 6889 6890MONSIGNOR, n. A high ecclesiastical title, of which the Founder of 6891our religion overlooked the advantages. 6892 6893 6894** MONUMENT 6895 6896MONUMENT, n. A structure intended to commemorate something which 6897either needs no commemoration or cannot be commemorated. 6898 6899 The bones of Agammemnon are a show, 6900 And ruined is his royal monument, 6901 6902but Agammemnon's fame suffers no diminution in consequence. The 6903monument custom has its _reductiones ad absurdum_ in monuments "to the 6904unknown dead" -- that is to say, monuments to perpetuate the memory of 6905those who have left no memory. 6906 6907 6908** MORAL 6909 6910MORAL, adj. Conforming to a local and mutable standard of right. 6911Having the quality of general expediency. 6912 6913 It is sayd there be a raunge of mountaynes in the Easte, on 6914one syde of the which certayn conducts are immorall, yet on the other 6915syde they are holden in good esteeme; wherebye the mountayneer is much 6916conveenyenced, for it is given to him to goe downe eyther way and act 6917as it shall suite his moode, withouten offence. 6918 _Gooke's Meditations_ 6919 6920 6921** MORE 6922 6923MORE, adj. The comparative degree of too much. 6924 6925 6926** MOUSE 6927 6928MOUSE, n. An animal which strews its path with fainting women. As in 6929Rome Christians were thrown to the lions, so centuries earlier in 6930Otumwee, the most ancient and famous city of the world, female 6931heretics were thrown to the mice. Jakak-Zotp, the historian, the only 6932Otumwump whose writings have descended to us, says that these martyrs 6933met their death with little dignity and much exertion. He even 6934attempts to exculpate the mice (such is the malice of bigotry) by 6935declaring that the unfortunate women perished, some from exhaustion, 6936some of broken necks from falling over their own feet, and some from 6937lack of restoratives. The mice, he avers, enjoyed the pleasures of 6938the chase with composure. But if "Roman history is nine-tenths 6939lying," we can hardly expect a smaller proportion of that rhetorical 6940figure in the annals of a people capable of so incredible cruelty to a 6941lovely women; for a hard heart has a false tongue. 6942 6943 6944** MOUSQUETAIRE 6945 6946MOUSQUETAIRE, n. A long glove covering a part of the arm. Worn in 6947New Jersey. But "mousquetaire" is a might poor way to spell 6948muskeeter. 6949 6950 6951** MOUTH 6952 6953MOUTH, n. In man, the gateway to the soul; in woman, the outlet of 6954the heart. 6955 6956 6957** MUGWUMP 6958 6959MUGWUMP, n. In politics one afflicted with self-respect and addicted 6960to the vice of independence. A term of contempt. 6961 6962 6963** MULATTO 6964 6965MULATTO, n. A child of two races, ashamed of both. 6966 6967 6968** MULTITUDE 6969 6970MULTITUDE, n. A crowd; the source of political wisdom and virtue. In 6971a republic, the object of the statesman's adoration. "In a multitude 6972of consellors there is wisdom," saith the proverb. If many men of 6973equal individual wisdom are wiser than any one of them, it must be 6974that they acquire the excess of wisdom by the mere act of getting 6975together. Whence comes it? Obviously from nowhere -- as well say 6976that a range of mountains is higher than the single mountains 6977composing it. A multitude is as wise as its wisest member if it obey 6978him; if not, it is no wiser than its most foolish. 6979 6980 6981** MUMMY 6982 6983MUMMY, n. An ancient Egyptian, formerly in universal use among modern 6984civilized nations as medicine, and now engaged in supplying art with 6985an excellent pigment. He is handy, too, in museums in gratifying the 6986vulgar curiosity that serves to distinguish man from the lower 6987animals. 6988 6989 By means of the Mummy, mankind, it is said, 6990 Attests to the gods its respect for the dead. 6991 We plunder his tomb, be he sinner or saint, 6992 Distil him for physic and grind him for paint, 6993 Exhibit for money his poor, shrunken frame, 6994 And with levity flock to the scene of the shame. 6995 O, tell me, ye gods, for the use of my rhyme: 6996 For respecting the dead what's the limit of time? 6997 Scopas Brune 6998 6999 7000** MUSTANG 7001 7002MUSTANG, n. An indocile horse of the western plains. In English 7003society, the American wife of an English nobleman. 7004 7005 7006** MYRMIDON 7007 7008MYRMIDON, n. A follower of Achilles -- particularly when he didn't 7009lead. 7010 7011 7012** MYTHOLOGY 7013 7014MYTHOLOGY, n. The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its 7015origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished 7016from the true accounts which it invents later. 7017 7018 7019 N 7020 7021 7022 7023** NECTAR 7024 7025NECTAR, n. A drink served at banquets of the Olympian deities. The 7026secret of its preparation is lost, but the modern Kentuckians believe 7027that they come pretty near to a knowledge of its chief ingredient. 7028 7029 Juno drank a cup of nectar, 7030 But the draught did not affect her. 7031 Juno drank a cup of rye -- 7032 Then she bad herself good-bye. 7033 J.G. 7034 7035 7036** NEGRO 7037 7038NEGRO, n. The _piece de resistance_ in the American political 7039problem. Representing him by the letter n, the Republicans begin to 7040build their equation thus: "Let n = the white man." This, however, 7041appears to give an unsatisfactory solution. 7042 7043 7044** NEIGHBOR 7045 7046NEIGHBOR, n. One whom we are commanded to love as ourselves, and who 7047does all he knows how to make us disobedient. 7048 7049 7050** NEPOTISM 7051 7052NEPOTISM, n. Appointing your grandmother to office for the good of 7053the party. 7054 7055 7056** NEWTONIAN 7057 7058NEWTONIAN, adj. Pertaining to a philosophy of the universe invented 7059by Newton, who discovered that an apple will fall to the ground, but 7060was unable to say why. His successors and disciples have advanced so 7061far as to be able to say when. 7062 7063 7064** NIHILIST 7065 7066NIHILIST, n. A Russian who denies the existence of anything but 7067Tolstoi. The leader of the school is Tolstoi. 7068 7069 7070** NIRVANA 7071 7072NIRVANA, n. In the Buddhist religion, a state of pleasurable 7073annihilation awarded to the wise, particularly to those wise enough to 7074understand it. 7075 7076 7077** NOBLEMAN 7078 7079NOBLEMAN, n. Nature's provision for wealthy American minds ambitious 7080to incur social distinction and suffer high life. 7081 7082 7083** NOISE 7084 7085NOISE, n. A stench in the ear. Undomesticated music. The chief 7086product and authenticating sign of civilization. 7087 7088 7089** NOMINATE 7090 7091NOMINATE, v. To designate for the heaviest political assessment. To 7092put forward a suitable person to incur the mudgobbling and deadcatting 7093of the opposition. 7094 7095 7096** NOMINEE 7097 7098NOMINEE, n. A modest gentleman shrinking from the distinction of 7099private life and diligently seeking the honorable obscurity of public 7100office. 7101 7102 7103** NON-COMBATANT 7104 7105NON-COMBATANT, n. A dead Quaker. 7106 7107 7108** NONSENSE 7109 7110NONSENSE, n. The objections that are urged against this excellent 7111dictionary. 7112 7113 7114** NOSE 7115 7116NOSE, n. The extreme outpost of the face. From the circumstance that 7117great conquerors have great noses, Getius, whose writings antedate the 7118age of humor, calls the nose the organ of quell. It has been observed 7119that one's nose is never so happy as when thrust into the affairs of 7120others, from which some physiologists have drawn the inference that 7121the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. 7122 7123 There's a man with a Nose, 7124 And wherever he goes 7125 The people run from him and shout: 7126 "No cotton have we 7127 For our ears if so be 7128 He blow that interminous snout!" 7129 7130 So the lawyers applied 7131 For injunction. "Denied," 7132 Said the Judge: "the defendant prefixion, 7133 Whate'er it portend, 7134 Appears to transcend 7135 The bounds of this court's jurisdiction." 7136 Arpad Singiny 7137 7138 7139** NOTORIETY 7140 7141NOTORIETY, n. The fame of one's competitor for public honors. The 7142kind of renown most accessible and acceptable to mediocrity. A 7143Jacob's-ladder leading to the vaudeville stage, with angels ascending 7144and descending. 7145 7146 7147** NOUMENON 7148 7149NOUMENON, n. That which exists, as distinguished from that which 7150merely seems to exist, the latter being a phenomenon. The noumenon is 7151a bit difficult to locate; it can be apprehended only be a process of 7152reasoning -- which is a phenomenon. Nevertheless, the discovery and 7153exposition of noumena offer a rich field for what Lewes calls "the 7154endless variety and excitement of philosophic thought." Hurrah 7155(therefore) for the noumenon! 7156 7157 7158** NOVEL 7159 7160NOVEL, n. A short story padded. A species of composition bearing the 7161same relation to literature that the panorama bears to art. As it is 7162too long to be read at a sitting the impressions made by its 7163successive parts are successively effaced, as in the panorama. Unity, 7164totality of effect, is impossible; for besides the few pages last read 7165all that is carried in mind is the mere plot of what has gone before. 7166To the romance the novel is what photography is to painting. Its 7167distinguishing principle, probability, corresponds to the literal 7168actuality of the photograph and puts it distinctly into the category 7169of reporting; whereas the free wing of the romancer enables him to 7170mount to such altitudes of imagination as he may be fitted to attain; 7171and the first three essentials of the literary art are imagination, 7172imagination and imagination. The art of writing novels, such as it 7173was, is long dead everywhere except in Russia, where it is new. Peace 7174to its ashes -- some of which have a large sale. 7175 7176 7177** NOVEMBER 7178 7179NOVEMBER, n. The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. 7180 7181 7182 O 7183 7184 7185 7186** OATH 7187 7188OATH, n. In law, a solemn appeal to the Deity, made binding upon the 7189conscience by a penalty for perjury. 7190 7191 7192** OBLIVION 7193 7194OBLIVION, n. The state or condition in which the wicked cease from 7195struggling and the dreary are at rest. Fame's eternal dumping ground. 7196Cold storage for high hopes. A place where ambitious authors meet 7197their works without pride and their betters without envy. A dormitory 7198without an alarm clock. 7199 7200 7201** OBSERVATORY 7202 7203OBSERVATORY, n. A place where astronomers conjecture away the guesses 7204of their predecessors. 7205 7206 7207** OBSESSED 7208 7209OBSESSED, p.p. Vexed by an evil spirit, like the Gadarene swine and 7210other critics. Obsession was once more common than it is now. 7211Arasthus tells of a peasant who was occupied by a different devil for 7212every day in the week, and on Sundays by two. They were frequently 7213seen, always walking in his shadow, when he had one, but were finally 7214driven away by the village notary, a holy man; but they took the 7215peasant with them, for he vanished utterly. A devil thrown out of a 7216woman by the Archbishop of Rheims ran through the trees, pursued by a 7217hundred persons, until the open country was reached, where by a leap 7218higher than a church spire he escaped into a bird. A chaplain in 7219Cromwell's army exorcised a soldier's obsessing devil by throwing the 7220soldier into the water, when the devil came to the surface. The 7221soldier, unfortunately, did not. 7222 7223 7224** OBSOLETE 7225 7226OBSOLETE, adj. No longer used by the timid. Said chiefly of words. 7227 7228A word which some lexicographer has marked obsolete is ever thereafter 7229an object of dread and loathing to the fool writer, but if it is a 7230good word and has no exact modern equivalent equally good, it is good 7231enough for the good writer. Indeed, a writer's attitude toward 7232"obsolete" words is as true a measure of his literary ability as 7233anything except the character of his work. A dictionary of obsolete 7234and obsolescent words would not only be singularly rich in strong and 7235sweet parts of speech; it would add large possessions to the 7236vocabulary of every competent writer who might not happen to be a 7237competent reader. 7238 7239 7240** OBSTINATE 7241 7242OBSTINATE, adj. Inaccessible to the truth as it is manifest in the 7243splendor and stress of our advocacy. 7244 The popular type and exponent of obstinacy is the mule, a most 7245intelligent animal. 7246 7247 7248** OCCASIONAL 7249 7250OCCASIONAL, adj. Afflicting us with greater or less frequency. That, 7251however, is not the sense in which the word is used in the phrase 7252"occasional verses," which are verses written for an "occasion," such 7253as an anniversary, a celebration or other event. True, they afflict 7254us a little worse than other sorts of verse, but their name has no 7255reference to irregular recurrence. 7256 7257 7258** OCCIDENT 7259 7260OCCIDENT, n. The part of the world lying west (or east) of the 7261Orient. It is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful subtribe of 7262the Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, 7263which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are 7264the principal industries of the Orient. 7265 7266 7267** OCEAN 7268 7269OCEAN, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made 7270for man -- who has no gills. 7271 7272 7273** OFFENSIVE 7274 7275OFFENSIVE, adj. Generating disagreeable emotions or sensations, as 7276the advance of an army against its enemy. 7277 "Were the enemy's tactics offensive?" the king asked. "I should 7278say so!" replied the unsuccessful general. "The blackguard wouldn't 7279come out of his works!" 7280 7281 7282** OLD 7283 7284OLD, adj. In that stage of usefulness which is not inconsistent with 7285general inefficiency, as an _old man_. Discredited by lapse of time 7286and offensive to the popular taste, as an _old_ book. 7287 7288 "Old books? The devil take them!" Goby said. 7289 "Fresh every day must be my books and bread." 7290 Nature herself approves the Goby rule 7291 And gives us every moment a fresh fool. 7292 Harley Shum 7293 7294 7295** OLEAGINOUS 7296 7297OLEAGINOUS, adj. Oily, smooth, sleek. 7298 Disraeli once described the manner of Bishop Wilberforce as 7299"unctuous, oleaginous, saponaceous." And the good prelate was ever 7300afterward known as Soapy Sam. For every man there is something in the 7301vocabulary that would stick to him like a second skin. His enemies 7302have only to find it. 7303 7304 7305** OLYMPIAN 7306 7307OLYMPIAN, adj. Relating to a mountain in Thessaly, once inhabited by 7308gods, now a repository of yellowing newspapers, beer bottles and 7309mutilated sardine cans, attesting the presence of the tourist and his 7310appetite. 7311 7312 His name the smirking tourist scrawls 7313 Upon Minerva's temple walls, 7314 Where thundered once Olympian Zeus, 7315 And marks his appetite's abuse. 7316 Averil Joop 7317 7318 7319** OMEN 7320 7321OMEN, n. A sign that something will happen if nothing happens. 7322 7323 7324** ONCE 7325 7326ONCE, adv. Enough. 7327 7328 7329** OPERA 7330 7331OPERA, n. A play representing life in another world, whose 7332inhabitants have no speech but song, no motions but gestures and no 7333postures but attitudes. All acting is simulation, and the word 7334_simulation_ is from _simia_, an ape; but in opera the actor takes for 7335his model _Simia audibilis_ (or _Pithecanthropos stentor_) -- the ape 7336that howls. 7337 7338 The actor apes a man -- at least in shape; 7339 The opera performer apes and ape. 7340 7341 7342** OPIATE 7343 7344OPIATE, n. An unlocked door in the prison of Identity. It leads into 7345the jail yard. 7346 7347 7348** OPPORTUNITY 7349 7350OPPORTUNITY, n. A favorable occasion for grasping a disappointment. 7351 7352 7353** OPPOSE 7354 7355OPPOSE, v. To assist with obstructions and objections. 7356 7357 How lonely he who thinks to vex 7358 With bandinage the Solemn Sex! 7359 Of levity, Mere Man, beware; 7360 None but the Grave deserve the Unfair. 7361 Percy P. Orminder 7362 7363 7364** OPPOSITION 7365 7366OPPOSITION, n. In politics the party that prevents the Government from 7367running amuck by hamstringing it. 7368 The King of Ghargaroo, who had been abroad to study the science of 7369government, appointed one hundred of his fattest subjects as members 7370of a parliament to make laws for the collection of revenue. Forty of 7371these he named the Party of Opposition and had his Prime Minister 7372carefully instruct them in their duty of opposing every royal measure. 7373Nevertheless, the first one that was submitted passed unanimously. 7374Greatly displeased, the King vetoed it, informing the Opposition that 7375if they did that again they would pay for their obstinacy with their 7376heads. The entire forty promptly disemboweled themselves. 7377 "What shall we do now?" the King asked. "Liberal institutions 7378cannot be maintained without a party of Opposition." 7379 "Splendor of the universe," replied the Prime Minister, "it is 7380true these dogs of darkness have no longer their credentials, but all 7381is not lost. Leave the matter to this worm of the dust." 7382 So the Minister had the bodies of his Majesty's Opposition 7383embalmed and stuffed with straw, put back into the seats of power and 7384nailed there. Forty votes were recorded against every bill and the 7385nation prospered. But one day a bill imposing a tax on warts was 7386defeated -- the members of the Government party had not been nailed to 7387their seats! This so enraged the King that the Prime Minister was put 7388to death, the parliament was dissolved with a battery of artillery, 7389and government of the people, by the people, for the people perished 7390from Ghargaroo. 7391 7392 7393** OPTIMISM 7394 7395OPTIMISM, n. The doctrine, or belief, that everything is beautiful, 7396including what is ugly, everything good, especially the bad, and 7397everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by 7398those most accustomed to the mischance of falling into adversity, and 7399is most acceptably expounded with the grin that apes a smile. Being a 7400blind faith, it is inaccessible to the light of disproof -- an 7401intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment but death. It is 7402hereditary, but fortunately not contagious. 7403 7404 7405** OPTIMIST 7406 7407OPTIMIST, n. A proponent of the doctrine that black is white. 7408 A pessimist applied to God for relief. 7409 "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God. 7410 "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that 7411would justify them." 7412 "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked 7413something -- the mortality of the optimist." 7414 7415 7416** ORATORY 7417 7418ORATORY, n. A conspiracy between speech and action to cheat the 7419understanding. A tyranny tempered by stenography. 7420 7421 7422** ORPHAN 7423 7424ORPHAN, n. A living person whom death has deprived of the power of 7425filial ingratitude -- a privation appealing with a particular 7426eloquence to all that is sympathetic in human nature. When young the 7427orphan is commonly sent to an asylum, where by careful cultivation of 7428its rudimentary sense of locality it is taught to know its place. It 7429is then instructed in the arts of dependence and servitude and 7430eventually turned loose to prey upon the world as a bootblack or 7431scullery maid. 7432 7433 7434** ORTHODOX 7435 7436ORTHODOX, n. An ox wearing the popular religious joke. 7437 7438 7439** ORTHOGRAPHY 7440 7441ORTHOGRAPHY, n. The science of spelling by the eye instead of the 7442ear. Advocated with more heat than light by the outmates of every 7443asylum for the insane. They have had to concede a few things since 7444the time of Chaucer, but are none the less hot in defence of those to 7445be conceded hereafter. 7446 7447 A spelling reformer indicted 7448 For fudge was before the court cicted. 7449 The judge said: "Enough -- 7450 His candle we'll snough, 7451 And his sepulchre shall not be whicted." 7452 7453 7454** OSTRICH 7455 7456OSTRICH, n. A large bird to which (for its sins, doubtless) nature 7457has denied that hinder toe in which so many pious naturalists have 7458seen a conspicuous evidence of design. The absence of a good working 7459pair of wings is no defect, for, as has been ingeniously pointed out, 7460the ostrich does not fly. 7461 7462 7463** OTHERWISE 7464 7465OTHERWISE, adv. No better. 7466 7467 7468** OUTCOME 7469 7470OUTCOME, n. A particular type of disappointment. By the kind of 7471intelligence that sees in an exception a proof of the rule the wisdom 7472of an act is judged by the outcome, the result. This is immortal 7473nonsense; the wisdom of an act is to be juded by the light that the 7474doer had when he performed it. 7475 7476 7477** OUTDO 7478 7479OUTDO, v.t. To make an enemy. 7480 7481 7482** OUT-OF-DOORS 7483 7484OUT-OF-DOORS, n. That part of one's environment upon which no 7485government has been able to collect taxes. Chiefly useful to inspire 7486poets. 7487 7488 I climbed to the top of a mountain one day 7489 To see the sun setting in glory, 7490 And I thought, as I looked at his vanishing ray, 7491 Of a perfectly splendid story. 7492 7493 'Twas about an old man and the ass he bestrode 7494 Till the strength of the beast was o'ertested; 7495 Then the man would carry him miles on the road 7496 Till Neddy was pretty well rested. 7497 7498 The moon rising solemnly over the crest 7499 Of the hills to the east of my station 7500 Displayed her broad disk to the darkening west 7501 Like a visible new creation. 7502 7503 And I thought of a joke (and I laughed till I cried) 7504 Of an idle young woman who tarried 7505 About a church-door for a look at the bride, 7506 Although 'twas herself that was married. 7507 7508 To poets all Nature is pregnant with grand 7509 Ideas -- with thought and emotion. 7510 I pity the dunces who don't understand 7511 The speech of earth, heaven and ocean. 7512 Stromboli Smith 7513 7514 7515** OVATION 7516 7517OVATION, n. n ancient Rome, a definite, formal pageant in honor of 7518one who had been disserviceable to the enemies of the nation. A 7519lesser "triumph." In modern English the word is improperly used to 7520signify any loose and spontaneous expression of popular homage to the 7521hero of the hour and place. 7522 7523 "I had an ovation!" the actor man said, 7524 But I thought it uncommonly queer, 7525 That people and critics by him had been led 7526 By the ear. 7527 7528 The Latin lexicon makes his absurd 7529 Assertion as plain as a peg; 7530 In "ovum" we find the true root of the word. 7531 It means egg. 7532 Dudley Spink 7533 7534 7535** OVEREAT 7536 7537OVEREAT, v. To dine. 7538 7539 Hail, Gastronome, Apostle of Excess, 7540 Well skilled to overeat without distress! 7541 Thy great invention, the unfatal feast, 7542 Shows Man's superiority to Beast. 7543 John Boop 7544 7545 7546** OVERWORK 7547 7548OVERWORK, n. A dangerous disorder affecting high public functionaries 7549who want to go fishing. 7550 7551 7552** OWE 7553 7554OWE, v. To have (and to hold) a debt. The word formerly signified 7555not indebtedness, but possession; it meant "own," and in the minds of 7556debtors there is still a good deal of confusion between assets and 7557liabilities. 7558 7559 7560** OYSTER 7561 7562OYSTER, n. A slimy, gobby shellfish which civilization gives men the 7563hardihood to eat without removing its entrails! The shells are 7564sometimes given to the poor. 7565 7566 7567 P 7568 7569 7570 7571** PAIN 7572 7573PAIN, n. An uncomfortable frame of mind that may have a physical 7574basis in something that is being done to the body, or may be purely 7575mental, caused by the good fortune of another. 7576 7577 7578** PAINTING 7579 7580PAINTING, n. The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather and 7581exposing them to the critic. 7582 Formerly, painting and sculpture were combined in the same work: 7583the ancients painted their statues. The only present alliance between 7584the two arts is that the modern painter chisels his patrons. 7585 7586 7587** PALACE 7588 7589PALACE, n. A fine and costly residence, particularly that of a great 7590official. The residence of a high dignitary of the Christian Church 7591is called a palace; that of the Founder of his religion was known as a 7592field, or wayside. There is progress. 7593 7594 7595** PALM 7596 7597PALM, n. A species of tree having several varieties, of which the 7598familiar "itching palm" (_Palma hominis_) is most widely distributed 7599and sedulously cultivated. This noble vegetable exudes a kind of 7600invisible gum, which may be detected by applying to the bark a piece 7601of gold or silver. The metal will adhere with remarkable tenacity. 7602The fruit of the itching palm is so bitter and unsatisfying that a 7603considerable percentage of it is sometimes given away in what are known 7604as "benefactions." 7605 7606 7607** PALMISTRY 7608 7609PALMISTRY, n. The 947th method (according to Mimbleshaw's 7610classification) of obtaining money by false pretences. It consists in 7611"reading character" in the wrinkles made by closing the hand. The 7612pretence is not altogether false; character can really be read very 7613accurately in this way, for the wrinkles in every hand submitted 7614plainly spell the word "dupe." The imposture consists in not reading 7615it aloud. 7616 7617 7618** PANDEMONIUM 7619 7620PANDEMONIUM, n. Literally, the Place of All the Demons. Most of them 7621have escaped into politics and finance, and the place is now used as a 7622lecture hall by the Audible Reformer. When disturbed by his voice the 7623ancient echoes clamor appropriate responses most gratifying to his 7624pride of distinction. 7625 7626 7627** PANTALOONS 7628 7629PANTALOONS, n. A nether habiliment of the adult civilized male. The 7630garment is tubular and unprovided with hinges at the points of 7631flexion. Supposed to have been invented by a humorist. Called 7632"trousers" by the enlightened and "pants" by the unworthy. 7633 7634 7635** PANTHEISM 7636 7637PANTHEISM, n. The doctrine that everything is God, in 7638contradistinction to the doctrine that God is everything. 7639 7640 7641** PANTOMIME 7642 7643PANTOMIME, n. A play in which the story is told without violence to 7644the language. The least disagreeable form of dramatic action. 7645 7646 7647** PARDON 7648 7649PARDON, v. To remit a penalty and restore to the life of crime. To 7650add to the lure of crime the temptation of ingratitude. 7651 7652 7653** PASSPORT 7654 7655PASSPORT, n. A document treacherously inflicted upon a citizen going 7656abroad, exposing him as an alien and pointing him out for special 7657reprobation and outrage. 7658 7659 7660** PAST 7661 7662PAST, n. That part of Eternity with some small fraction of which we 7663have a slight and regrettable acquaintance. A moving line called the 7664Present parts it from an imaginary period known as the Future. These 7665two grand divisions of Eternity, of which the one is continually 7666effacing the other, are entirely unlike. The one is dark with sorrow 7667and disappointment, the other bright with prosperity and joy. The 7668Past is the region of sobs, the Future is the realm of song. In the 7669one crouches Memory, clad in sackcloth and ashes, mumbling penitential 7670prayer; in the sunshine of the other Hope flies with a free wing, 7671beckoning to temples of success and bowers of ease. Yet the Past is 7672the Future of yesterday, the Future is the Past of to-morrow. They 7673are one -- the knowledge and the dream. 7674 7675 7676** PASTIME 7677 7678PASTIME, n. A device for promoting dejection. Gentle exercise for 7679intellectual debility. 7680 7681 7682** PATIENCE 7683 7684PATIENCE, n. A minor form of despair, disguised as a virtue. 7685 7686 7687** PATRIOT 7688 7689PATRIOT, n. One to whom the interests of a part seem superior to 7690those of the whole. The dupe of statesmen and the tool of conquerors. 7691 7692 7693** PATRIOTISM 7694 7695PATRIOTISM, n. Combustible rubbish read to the torch of any one 7696ambitious to illuminate his name. 7697 In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the 7698last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened 7699but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. 7700 7701 7702** PEACE 7703 7704PEACE, n. In international affairs, a period of cheating between two 7705periods of fighting. 7706 7707 O, what's the loud uproar assailing 7708 Mine ears without cease? 7709 'Tis the voice of the hopeful, all-hailing 7710 The horrors of peace. 7711 7712 Ah, Peace Universal; they woo it -- 7713 Would marry it, too. 7714 If only they knew how to do it 7715 'Twere easy to do. 7716 7717 They're working by night and by day 7718 On their problem, like moles. 7719 Have mercy, O Heaven, I pray, 7720 On their meddlesome souls! 7721 Ro Amil 7722 7723 7724** PEDESTRIAN 7725 7726PEDESTRIAN, n. The variable (an audible) part of the roadway for an 7727automobile. 7728 7729 7730** PEDIGREE 7731 7732PEDIGREE, n. The known part of the route from an arboreal ancestor 7733with a swim bladder to an urban descendant with a cigarette. 7734 7735 7736** PENITENT 7737 7738PENITENT, adj. Undergoing or awaiting punishment. 7739 7740 7741** PERFECTION 7742 7743PERFECTION, n. An imaginary state of quality distinguished from the 7744actual by an element known as excellence; an attribute of the critic. 7745 The editor of an English magazine having received a letter 7746pointing out the erroneous nature of his views and style, and signed 7747"Perfection," promptly wrote at the foot of the letter: "I don't 7748agree with you," and mailed it to Matthew Arnold. 7749 7750 7751** PERIPATETIC 7752 7753PERIPATETIC, adj. Walking about. Relating to the philosophy of 7754Aristotle, who, while expounding it, moved from place to place in 7755order to avoid his pupil's objections. A needless precaution -- they 7756knew no more of the matter than he. 7757 7758 7759** PERORATION 7760 7761PERORATION, n. The explosion of an oratorical rocket. It dazzles, 7762but to an observer having the wrong kind of nose its most conspicuous 7763peculiarity is the smell of the several kinds of powder used in 7764preparing it. 7765 7766 7767** PERSEVERANCE 7768 7769PERSEVERANCE, n. A lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an 7770inglorious success. 7771 7772 "Persevere, persevere!" cry the homilists all, 7773 Themselves, day and night, persevering to bawl. 7774 "Remember the fable of tortoise and hare -- 7775 The one at the goal while the other is -- where?" 7776 Why, back there in Dreamland, renewing his lease 7777 Of life, all his muscles preserving the peace, 7778 The goal and the rival forgotten alike, 7779 And the long fatigue of the needless hike. 7780 His spirit a-squat in the grass and the dew 7781 Of the dogless Land beyond the Stew, 7782 He sleeps, like a saint in a holy place, 7783 A winner of all that is good in a race. 7784 Sukker Uffro 7785 7786 7787** PESSIMISM 7788 7789PESSIMISM, n. A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the 7790observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his 7791scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile. 7792 7793 7794** PHILANTHROPIST 7795 7796PHILANTHROPIST, n. A rich (and usually bald) old gentleman who has 7797trained himself to grin while his conscience is picking his pocket. 7798 7799 7800** PHILISTINE 7801 7802PHILISTINE, n. One whose mind is the creature of its environment, 7803following the fashion in thought, feeling and sentiment. He is 7804sometimes learned, frequently prosperous, commonly clean and always 7805solemn. 7806 7807 7808** PHILOSOPHY 7809 7810PHILOSOPHY, n. A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing. 7811 7812 7813** PHOENIX 7814 7815PHOENIX, n. The classical prototype of the modern "small hot bird." 7816 7817 7818** PHONOGRAPH 7819 7820PHONOGRAPH, n. An irritating toy that restores life to dead noises. 7821 7822 7823** PHOTOGRAPH 7824 7825PHOTOGRAPH, n. A picture painted by the sun without instruction in 7826art. It is a little better than the work of an Apache, but not quite 7827so good as that of a Cheyenne. 7828 7829 7830** PHRENOLOGY 7831 7832PHRENOLOGY, n. The science of picking the pocket through the scalp. 7833It consists in locating and exploiting the organ that one is a dupe 7834with. 7835 7836 7837** PHYSICIAN 7838 7839PHYSICIAN, n. One upon whom we set our hopes when ill and our dogs 7840when well. 7841 7842 7843** PHYSIOGNOMY 7844 7845PHYSIOGNOMY, n. The art of determining the character of another by 7846the resemblances and differences between his face and our own, which 7847is the standard of excellence. 7848 7849 "There is no art," says Shakespeare, foolish man, 7850 "To read the mind's construction in the face." 7851 The physiognomists his portrait scan, 7852 And say: "How little wisdom here we trace! 7853 He knew his face disclosed his mind and heart, 7854 So, in his own defence, denied our art." 7855 Lavatar Shunk 7856 7857 7858** PIANO 7859 7860PIANO, n. A parlor utensil for subduing the impenitent visitor. It 7861is operated by pressing the keys of the machine and the spirits of the 7862audience. 7863 7864 7865** PICKANINNY 7866 7867PICKANINNY, n. The young of the _Procyanthropos_, or _Americanus 7868dominans_. It is small, black and charged with political fatalities. 7869 7870 7871** PICTURE 7872 7873PICTURE, n. A representation in two dimensions of something wearisome 7874in three. 7875 7876 "Behold great Daubert's picture here on view -- 7877 Taken from Life." If that description's true, 7878 Grant, heavenly Powers, that I be taken, too. 7879 Jali Hane 7880 7881 7882** PIE 7883 7884PIE, n. An advance agent of the reaper whose name is Indigestion. 7885 7886 Cold pie was highly esteemed by the remains. 7887 Rev. Dr. Mucker 7888 (in a funeral sermon over a British nobleman) 7889 7890 Cold pie is a detestable 7891 American comestible. 7892 That's why I'm done -- or undone -- 7893 So far from that dear London. 7894 (from the headstone of a British nobleman in Kalamazoo) 7895 7896 7897** PIETY 7898 7899PIETY, n. Reverence for the Supreme Being, based upon His supposed 7900resemblance to man. 7901 7902 The pig is taught by sermons and epistles 7903 To think the God of Swine has snout and bristles. 7904 Judibras 7905 7906 7907** PIG 7908 7909PIG, n. An animal (_Porcus omnivorus_) closely allied to the human 7910race by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is 7911inferior in scope, for it sticks at pig. 7912 7913 7914** PIGMY 7915 7916PIGMY, n. One of a tribe of very small men found by ancient travelers 7917in many parts of the world, but by modern in Central Africa only. The 7918Pigmies are so called to distinguish them from the bulkier Caucasians 7919-- who are Hogmies. 7920 7921 7922** PILGRIM 7923 7924PILGRIM, n. A traveler that is taken seriously. A Pilgrim Father was 7925one who, leaving Europe in 1620 because not permitted to sing psalms 7926through his nose, followed it to Massachusetts, where he could 7927personate God according to the dictates of his conscience. 7928 7929 7930** PILLORY 7931 7932PILLORY, n. A mechanical device for inflicting personal distinction 7933-- prototype of the modern newspaper conducted by persons of austere 7934virtues and blameless lives. 7935 7936 7937** PIRACY 7938 7939PIRACY, n. Commerce without its folly-swaddles, just as God made it. 7940 7941 7942** PITIFUL 7943 7944PITIFUL, adj. The state of an enemy of opponent after an imaginary 7945encounter with oneself. 7946 7947 7948** PITY 7949 7950PITY, n. A failing sense of exemption, inspired by contrast. 7951 7952 7953** PLAGIARISM 7954 7955PLAGIARISM, n. A literary coincidence compounded of a discreditable 7956priority and an honorable subsequence. 7957 7958 7959** PLAGIARIZE 7960 7961PLAGIARIZE, v. To take the thought or style of another writer whom 7962one has never, never read. 7963 7964 7965** PLAGUE 7966 7967PLAGUE, n. In ancient times a general punishment of the innocent for 7968admonition of their ruler, as in the familiar instance of Pharaoh the 7969Immune. The plague as we of to-day have the happiness to know it is 7970merely Nature's fortuitous manifestation of her purposeless 7971objectionableness. 7972 7973 7974** PLAN 7975 7976PLAN, v.t. To bother about the best method of accomplishing an 7977accidental result. 7978 7979 7980** PLATITUDE 7981 7982PLATITUDE, n. The fundamental element and special glory of popular 7983literature. A thought that snores in words that smoke. The wisdom of 7984a million fools in the diction of a dullard. A fossil sentiment in 7985artificial rock. A moral without the fable. All that is mortal of a 7986departed truth. A demi-tasse of milk-and-mortality. The Pope's-nose 7987of a featherless peacock. A jelly-fish withering on the shore of the 7988sea of thought. The cackle surviving the egg. A desiccated epigram. 7989 7990 7991** PLATONIC 7992 7993PLATONIC, adj. Pertaining to the philosophy of Socrates. Platonic 7994Love is a fool's name for the affection between a disability and a 7995frost. 7996 7997 7998** PLAUDITS 7999 8000PLAUDITS, n. Coins with which the populace pays those who tickle and 8001devour it. 8002 8003 8004** PLEASE 8005 8006PLEASE, v. To lay the foundation for a superstructure of imposition. 8007 8008 8009** PLEASURE 8010 8011PLEASURE, n. The least hateful form of dejection. 8012 8013 8014** PLEBEIAN 8015 8016PLEBEIAN, n. An ancient Roman who in the blood of his country stained 8017nothing but his hands. Distinguished from the Patrician, who was a 8018saturated solution. 8019 8020 8021** PLEBISCITE 8022 8023PLEBISCITE, n. A popular vote to ascertain the will of the sovereign. 8024 8025 8026** PLENIPOTENTIARY 8027 8028PLENIPOTENTIARY, adj. Having full power. A Minister Plenipotentiary 8029is a diplomatist possessing absolute authority on condition that he 8030never exert it. 8031 8032 8033** PLEONASM 8034 8035PLEONASM, n. An army of words escorting a corporal of thought. 8036 8037 8038** PLOW 8039 8040PLOW, n. An implement that cries aloud for hands accustomed to the 8041pen. 8042 8043 8044** PLUNDER 8045 8046PLUNDER, v. To take the property of another without observing the 8047decent and customary reticences of theft. To effect a change of 8048ownership with the candid concomitance of a brass band. To wrest the 8049wealth of A from B and leave C lamenting a vanishing opportunity. 8050 8051 8052** POCKET 8053 8054POCKET, n. The cradle of motive and the grave of conscience. In 8055woman this organ is lacking; so she acts without motive, and her 8056conscience, denied burial, remains ever alive, confessing the sins of 8057others. 8058 8059 8060** POETRY 8061 8062POETRY, n. A form of expression peculiar to the Land beyond the 8063Magazines. 8064 8065 8066** POKER 8067 8068POKER, n. A game said to be played with cards for some purpose to 8069this lexicographer unknown. 8070 8071 8072** POLICE 8073 8074POLICE, n. An armed force for protection and participation. 8075 8076 8077** POLITENESS 8078 8079POLITENESS, n. The most acceptable hypocrisy. 8080 8081 8082** POLITICS 8083 8084POLITICS, n. A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of 8085principles. The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. 8086 8087 8088** POLITICIAN 8089 8090POLITICIAN, n. An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the 8091superstructure of organized society is reared. When we wriggles he 8092mistakes the agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. 8093As compared with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being 8094alive. 8095 8096 8097** POLYGAMY 8098 8099POLYGAMY, n. A house of atonement, or expiatory chapel, fitted with 8100several stools of repentance, as distinguished from monogamy, which 8101has but one. 8102 8103 8104** POPULIST 8105 8106POPULIST, n. A fossil patriot of the early agricultural period, found 8107in the old red soapstone underlying Kansas; characterized by an 8108uncommon spread of ear, which some naturalists contend gave him the 8109power of flight, though Professors Morse and Whitney, pursuing 8110independent lines of thought, have ingeniously pointed out that had he 8111possessed it he would have gone elsewhere. In the picturesque speech 8112of his period, some fragments of which have come down to us, he was 8113known as "The Matter with Kansas." 8114 8115 8116** PORTABLE 8117 8118PORTABLE, adj. Exposed to a mutable ownership through vicissitudes of 8119possession. 8120 8121 His light estate, if neither he did make it 8122 Nor yet its former guardian forsake it, 8123 Is portable improperly, I take it. 8124 Worgum Slupsky 8125 8126 8127** PORTUGUESE 8128 8129PORTUGUESE, n.pl. A species of geese indigenous to Portugal. They 8130are mostly without feathers and imperfectly edible, even when stuffed 8131with garlic. 8132 8133 8134** POSITIVE 8135 8136POSITIVE, adj. Mistaken at the top of one's voice. 8137 8138 8139** POSITIVISM 8140 8141POSITIVISM, n. A philosophy that denies our knowledge of the Real and 8142affirms our ignorance of the Apparent. Its longest exponent is Comte, 8143its broadest Mill and its thickest Spencer. 8144 8145 8146** POSTERITY 8147 8148POSTERITY, n. An appellate court which reverses the judgment of a 8149popular author's contemporaries, the appellant being his obscure 8150competitor. 8151 8152 8153** POTABLE 8154 8155POTABLE, n. Suitable for drinking. Water is said to be potable; 8156indeed, some declare it our natural beverage, although even they find 8157it palatable only when suffering from the recurrent disorder known as 8158thirst, for which it is a medicine. Upon nothing has so great and 8159diligent ingenuity been brought to bear in all ages and in all 8160countries, except the most uncivilized, as upon the invention of 8161substitutes for water. To hold that this general aversion to that 8162liquid has no basis in the preservative instinct of the race is to be 8163unscientific -- and without science we are as the snakes and toads. 8164 8165 8166** POVERTY 8167 8168POVERTY, n. A file provided for the teeth of the rats of reform. The 8169number of plans for its abolition equals that of the reformers who 8170suffer from it, plus that of the philosophers who know nothing about 8171it. Its victims are distinguished by possession of all the virtues 8172and by their faith in leaders seeking to conduct them into a 8173prosperity where they believe these to be unknown. 8174 8175 8176** PRAY 8177 8178PRAY, v. To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf 8179of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. 8180 8181 8182** PRE-ADAMITE 8183 8184PRE-ADAMITE, n. One of an experimental and apparently unsatisfactory 8185race of antedated Creation and lived under conditions not easily 8186conceived. Melsius believed them to have inhabited "the Void" and to 8187have been something intermediate between fishes and birds. Little its 8188known of them beyond the fact that they supplied Cain with a wife and 8189theologians with a controversy. 8190 8191 8192** PRECEDENT 8193 8194PRECEDENT, n. In Law, a previous decision, rule or practice which, in 8195the absence of a definite statute, has whatever force and authority a 8196Judge may choose to give it, thereby greatly simplifying his task of 8197doing as he pleases. As there are precedents for everything, he has 8198only to ignore those that make against his interest and accentuate 8199those in the line of his desire. Invention of the precedent elevates 8200the trial-at-law from the low estate of a fortuitous ordeal to the 8201noble attitude of a dirigible arbitrament. 8202 8203 8204** PRECEDENT 8205 8206PRECEDENT, n. In Law, a previous decision, rule or practice which, in 8207the absence of a definite statute, has whatever force and authority a 8208Judge may choose to give it, thereby greatly simplifying his task of 8209doing as he pleases. As there are precedents for everything, he has 8210only to ignore those that make against his interest and accentuate 8211those in the line of his desire. Invention of the precedent elevates 8212the trial-at-law from the low estate of a fortuitous ordeal to the 8213noble attitude of a dirigible arbitrament. 8214 8215 8216** PRECIPITATE 8217 8218PRECIPITATE, adj. Anteprandial. 8219 8220 Precipitate in all, this sinner 8221 Took action first, and then his dinner. 8222 Judibras 8223 8224 8225** PREDESTINATION 8226 8227PREDESTINATION, n. The doctrine that all things occur according to 8228programme. This doctrine should not be confused with that of 8229foreordination, which means that all things are programmed, but does 8230not affirm their occurrence, that being only an implication from other 8231doctrines by which this is entailed. The difference is great enough 8232to have deluged Christendom with ink, to say nothing of the gore. 8233With the distinction of the two doctrines kept well in mind, and a 8234reverent belief in both, one may hope to escape perdition if spared. 8235 8236 8237** PREDICAMENT 8238 8239PREDICAMENT, n. The wage of consistency. 8240 8241 8242** PREDILECTION 8243 8244PREDILECTION, n. The preparatory stage of disillusion. 8245 8246 8247** PRE-EXISTENCE 8248 8249PRE-EXISTENCE, n. An unnoted factor in creation. 8250 8251 8252** PREFERENCE 8253 8254PREFERENCE, n. A sentiment, or frame of mind, induced by the 8255erroneous belief that one thing is better than another. 8256 An ancient philosopher, expounding his conviction that life is no 8257better than death, was asked by a disciple why, then, he did not die. 8258"Because," he replied, "death is no better than life." 8259 It is longer. 8260 8261 8262** PREHISTORIC 8263 8264PREHISTORIC, adj. Belonging to an early period and a museum. 8265Antedating the art and practice of perpetuating falsehood. 8266 8267 He lived in a period prehistoric, 8268 When all was absurd and phantasmagoric. 8269 Born later, when Clio, celestial recorded, 8270 Set down great events in succession and order, 8271 He surely had seen nothing droll or fortuitous 8272 In anything here but the lies that she threw at us. 8273 Orpheus Bowen 8274 8275 8276** PREJUDICE 8277 8278PREJUDICE, n. A vagrant opinion without visible means of support. 8279 8280 8281** PRELATE 8282 8283PRELATE, n. A church officer having a superior degree of holiness and 8284a fat preferment. One of Heaven's aristocracy. A gentleman of God. 8285 8286 8287** PREROGATIVE 8288 8289PREROGATIVE, n. A sovereign's right to do wrong. 8290 8291 8292** PRESBYTERIAN 8293 8294PRESBYTERIAN, n. One who holds the conviction that the government 8295authorities of the Church should be called presbyters. 8296 8297 8298** PRESCRIPTION 8299 8300PRESCRIPTION, n. A physician's guess at what will best prolong the 8301situation with least harm to the patient. 8302 8303 8304** PRESENT 8305 8306PRESENT, n. That part of eternity dividing the domain of 8307disappointment from the realm of hope. 8308 8309 8310** PRESENTABLE 8311 8312PRESENTABLE, adj. Hideously appareled after the manner of the time 8313and place. 8314 In Boorioboola-Gha a man is presentable on occasions of ceremony 8315if he have his abdomen painted a bright blue and wear a cow's tail; in 8316New York he may, if it please him, omit the paint, but after sunset he 8317must wear two tails made of the wool of a sheep and dyed black. 8318 8319 8320** PRESIDE 8321 8322PRESIDE, v. To guide the action of a deliberative body to a desirable 8323result. In Journalese, to perform upon a musical instrument; as, "He 8324presided at the piccolo." 8325 8326 The Headliner, holding the copy in hand, 8327 Read with a solemn face: 8328 "The music was very uncommonly grand -- 8329 The best that was every provided, 8330 For our townsman Brown presided 8331 At the organ with skill and grace." 8332 The Headliner discontinued to read, 8333 And, spread the paper down 8334 On the desk, he dashed in at the top of the screed: 8335 "Great playing by President Brown." 8336 Orpheus Bowen 8337 8338 8339** PRESIDENCY 8340 8341PRESIDENCY, n. The greased pig in the field game of American 8342politics. 8343 8344 8345** PRESIDENT 8346 8347PRESIDENT, n. The leading figure in a small group of men of whom -- 8348and of whom only -- it is positively known that immense numbers of 8349their countrymen did not want any of them for President. 8350 8351 If that's an honor surely 'tis a greater 8352 To have been a simple and undamned spectator. 8353 Behold in me a man of mark and note 8354 Whom no elector e'er denied a vote! -- 8355 An undiscredited, unhooted gent 8356 Who might, for all we know, be President 8357 By acclimation. Cheer, ye varlets, cheer -- 8358 I'm passing with a wide and open ear! 8359 Jonathan Fomry 8360 8361 8362** PREVARICATOR 8363 8364PREVARICATOR, n. A liar in the caterpillar estate. 8365 8366 8367** PRICE 8368 8369PRICE, n. Value, plus a reasonable sum for the wear and tear of 8370conscience in demanding it. 8371 8372 8373** PRIMATE 8374 8375PRIMATE, n. The head of a church, especially a State church supported 8376by involuntary contributions. The Primate of England is the 8377Archbishop of Canterbury, an amiable old gentleman, who occupies 8378Lambeth Palace when living and Westminster Abbey when dead. He is 8379commonly dead. 8380 8381 8382** PRISON 8383 8384PRISON, n. A place of punishments and rewards. The poet assures us 8385that -- 8386 8387 "Stone walls do not a prison make," 8388 8389but a combination of the stone wall, the political parasite and the 8390moral instructor is no garden of sweets. 8391 8392 8393** PRIVATE 8394 8395PRIVATE, n. A military gentleman with a field-marshal's baton in his 8396knapsack and an impediment in his hope. 8397 8398 8399** PROBOSCIS 8400 8401PROBOSCIS, n. The rudimentary organ of an elephant which serves him 8402in place of the knife-and-fork that Evolution has as yet denied him. 8403For purposes of humor it is popularly called a trunk. 8404 Asked how he knew that an elephant was going on a journey, the 8405illustrious Jo. Miller cast a reproachful look upon his tormentor, and 8406answered, absently: "When it is ajar," and threw himself from a high 8407promontory into the sea. Thus perished in his pride the most famous 8408humorist of antiquity, leaving to mankind a heritage of woe! No 8409successor worthy of the title has appeared, though Mr. Edward bok, of 8410_The Ladies' Home Journal_, is much respected for the purity and 8411sweetness of his personal character. 8412 8413 8414** PROJECTILE 8415 8416PROJECTILE, n. The final arbiter in international disputes. Formerly 8417these disputes were settled by physical contact of the disputants, 8418with such simple arguments as the rudimentary logic of the times could 8419supply -- the sword, the spear, and so forth. With the growth of 8420prudence in military affairs the projectile came more and more into 8421favor, and is now held in high esteem by the most courageous. Its 8422capital defect is that it requires personal attendance at the point of 8423propulsion. 8424 8425 8426** PROOF 8427 8428PROOF, n. Evidence having a shade more of plausibility than of 8429unlikelihood. The testimony of two credible witnesses as opposed to 8430that of only one. 8431 8432 8433** PROOF-READER 8434 8435PROOF-READER, n. A malefactor who atones for making your writing 8436nonsense by permitting the compositor to make it unintelligible. 8437 8438 8439** PROPERTY 8440 8441PROPERTY, n. Any material thing, having no particular value, that may 8442be held by A against the cupidity of B. Whatever gratifies the 8443passion for possession in one and disappoints it in all others. The 8444object of man's brief rapacity and long indifference. 8445 8446 8447** PROPHECY 8448 8449PROPHECY, n. The art and practice of selling one's credibility for 8450future delivery. 8451 8452 8453** PROSPECT 8454 8455PROSPECT, n. An outlook, usually forbidding. An expectation, usually 8456forbidden. 8457 8458 Blow, blow, ye spicy breezes -- 8459 O'er Ceylon blow your breath, 8460 Where every prospect pleases, 8461 Save only that of death. 8462 Bishop Sheber 8463 8464 8465** PROVIDENTIAL 8466 8467PROVIDENTIAL, adj. Unexpectedly and conspicuously beneficial to the 8468person so describing it. 8469 8470 8471** PRUDE 8472 8473PRUDE, n. A bawd hiding behind the back of her demeanor. 8474 8475 8476** PUBLISH 8477 8478PUBLISH, n. In literary affairs, to become the fundamental element in 8479a cone of critics. 8480 8481 8482** PUSH 8483 8484PUSH, n. One of the two things mainly conducive to success, 8485especially in politics. The other is Pull. 8486 8487 8488** PYRRHONISM 8489 8490PYRRHONISM, n. An ancient philosophy, named for its inventor. It 8491consisted of an absolute disbelief in everything but Pyrrhonism. Its 8492modern professors have added that. 8493 8494 8495 Q 8496 8497 8498 8499** QUEEN 8500 8501QUEEN, n. A woman by whom the realm is ruled when there is a king, 8502and through whom it is ruled when there is not. 8503 8504 8505** QUILL 8506 8507QUILL, n. An implement of torture yielded by a goose and commonly 8508wielded by an ass. This use of the quill is now obsolete, but its 8509modern equivalent, the steel pen, is wielded by the same everlasting 8510Presence. 8511 8512 8513** QUIVER 8514 8515QUIVER, n. A portable sheath in which the ancient statesman and the 8516aboriginal lawyer carried their lighter arguments. 8517 8518 He extracted from his quiver, 8519 Did the controversial Roman, 8520 An argument well fitted 8521 To the question as submitted, 8522 Then addressed it to the liver, 8523 Of the unpersuaded foeman. 8524 Oglum P. Boomp 8525 8526 8527** QUIXOTIC 8528 8529QUIXOTIC, adj. Absurdly chivalric, like Don Quixote. An insight into 8530the beauty and excellence of this incomparable adjective is unhappily 8531denied to him who has the misfortune to know that the gentleman's name 8532is pronounced Ke-ho-tay. 8533 8534 When ignorance from out of our lives can banish 8535 Philology, 'tis folly to know Spanish. 8536 Juan Smith 8537 8538 8539** QUORUM 8540 8541QUORUM, n. A sufficient number of members of a deliberative body to 8542have their own way and their own way of having it. In the United 8543States Senate a quorum consists of the chairman of the Committee on 8544Finance and a messenger from the White House; in the House of 8545Representatives, of the Speaker and the devil. 8546 8547 8548** QUOTATION 8549 8550QUOTATION, n. The act of repeating erroneously the words of another. 8551The words erroneously repeated. 8552 8553 Intent on making his quotation truer, 8554 He sought the page infallible of Brewer, 8555 Then made a solemn vow that we would be 8556 Condemned eternally. Ah, me, ah, me! 8557 Stumpo Gaker 8558 8559 8560** QUOTIENT 8561 8562QUOTIENT, n. A number showing how many times a sum of money belonging 8563to one person is contained in the pocket of another -- usually about 8564as many times as it can be got there. 8565 8566 8567 R 8568 8569 8570 8571** RABBLE 8572 8573RABBLE, n. In a republic, those who exercise a supreme authority 8574tempered by fraudulent elections. The rabble is like the sacred 8575Simurgh, of Arabian fable -- omnipotent on condition that it do 8576nothing. (The word is Aristocratese, and has no exact equivalent in 8577our tongue, but means, as nearly as may be, "soaring swine.") 8578 8579 8580** RACK 8581 8582RACK, n. An argumentative implement formerly much used in persuading 8583devotees of a false faith to embrace the living truth. As a call to 8584the unconverted the rack never had any particular efficacy, and is now 8585held in light popular esteem. 8586 8587 8588** RANK 8589 8590RANK, n. Relative elevation in the scale of human worth. 8591 8592 He held at court a rank so high 8593 That other noblemen asked why. 8594 "Because," 'twas answered, "others lack 8595 His skill to scratch the royal back." 8596 Aramis Jukes 8597 8598 8599** RANSOM 8600 8601RANSOM, n. The purchase of that which neither belongs to the seller, 8602nor can belong to the buyer. The most unprofitable of investments. 8603 8604 8605** RAPACITY 8606 8607RAPACITY, n. Providence without industry. The thrift of power. 8608 8609 8610** RAREBIT 8611 8612RAREBIT, n. A Welsh rabbit, in the speech of the humorless, who point 8613out that it is not a rabbit. To whom it may be solemnly explained 8614that the comestible known as toad-in-a-hole is really not a toad, and 8615that _riz-de-veau a la financiere_ is not the smile of a calf prepared 8616after the recipe of a she banker. 8617 8618 8619** RASCAL 8620 8621RASCAL, n. A fool considered under another aspect. 8622 8623 8624** RASCALITY 8625 8626RASCALITY, n. Stupidity militant. The activity of a clouded 8627intellect. 8628 8629 8630** RASH 8631 8632RASH, adj. Insensible to the value of our advice. 8633 8634 "Now lay your bet with mine, nor let 8635 These gamblers take your cash." 8636 "Nay, this child makes no bet." "Great snakes! 8637 How can you be so rash?" 8638 Bootle P. Gish 8639 8640 8641** RATIONAL 8642 8643RATIONAL, adj. Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, 8644experience and reflection. 8645 8646 8647** RATTLESNAKE 8648 8649RATTLESNAKE, n. Our prostrate brother, _Homo ventrambulans_. 8650 8651 8652** RAZOR 8653 8654RAZOR, n. An instrument used by the Caucasian to enhance his beauty, 8655by the Mongolian to make a guy of himself, and by the Afro-American to 8656affirm his worth. 8657 8658 8659** REACH 8660 8661REACH, n. The radius of action of the human hand. The area within 8662which it is possible (and customary) to gratify directly the 8663propensity to provide. 8664 8665 This is a truth, as old as the hills, 8666 That life and experience teach: 8667 The poor man suffers that keenest of ills, 8668 An impediment of his reach. 8669 G.J. 8670 8671 8672** READING 8673 8674READING, n. The general body of what one reads. In our country it 8675consists, as a rule, of Indiana novels, short stories in "dialect" and 8676humor in slang. 8677 8678 We know by one's reading 8679 His learning and breeding; 8680 By what draws his laughter 8681 We know his Hereafter. 8682 Read nothing, laugh never -- 8683 The Sphinx was less clever! 8684 Jupiter Muke 8685 8686 8687** RADICALISM 8688 8689RADICALISM, n. The conservatism of to-morrow injected into the 8690affairs of to-day. 8691 8692 8693** RADIUM 8694 8695RADIUM, n. A mineral that gives off heat and stimulates the organ 8696that a scientist is a fool with. 8697 8698 8699** RAILROAD 8700 8701RAILROAD, n. The chief of many mechanical devices enabling us to get 8702away from where we are to wher we are no better off. For this purpose 8703the railroad is held in highest favor by the optimist, for it permits 8704him to make the transit with great expedition. 8705 8706 8707** RAMSHACKLE 8708 8709RAMSHACKLE, adj. Pertaining to a certain order of architecture, 8710otherwise known as the Normal American. Most of the public buildings 8711of the United States are of the Ramshackle order, though some of our 8712earlier architects preferred the Ironic. Recent additions to the 8713White House in Washington are Theo-Doric, the ecclesiastic order of 8714the Dorians. They are exceedingly fine and cost one hundred dollars a 8715brick. 8716 8717 8718** REALISM 8719 8720REALISM, n. The art of depicting nature as it is seem by toads. The 8721charm suffusing a landscape painted by a mole, or a story written by a 8722measuring-worm. 8723 8724 8725** REALITY 8726 8727REALITY, n. The dream of a mad philosopher. That which would remain 8728in the cupel if one should assay a phantom. The nucleus of a vacuum. 8729 8730 8731** REALLY 8732 8733REALLY, adv. Apparently. 8734 8735 8736** REAR 8737 8738REAR, n. In American military matters, that exposed part of the army 8739that is nearest to Congress. 8740 8741 8742** REASON 8743 8744REASON, v.i. To weight probabilities in the scales of desire. 8745 8746 8747** REASON 8748 8749REASON, n. Propensitate of prejudice. 8750 8751 8752** REASONABLE 8753 8754REASONABLE, adj. Accessible to the infection of our own opinions. 8755Hospitable to persuasion, dissuasion and evasion. 8756 8757 8758** REBEL 8759 8760REBEL, n. A proponent of a new misrule who has failed to establish 8761it. 8762 8763 8764** RECOLLECT 8765 8766RECOLLECT, v. To recall with additions something not previously 8767known. 8768 8769 8770** RECONCILIATION 8771 8772RECONCILIATION, n. A suspension of hostilities. An armed truce for 8773the purpose of digging up the dead. 8774 8775 8776** RECONSIDER 8777 8778RECONSIDER, v. To seek a justification for a decision already made. 8779 8780 8781** RECOUNT 8782 8783RECOUNT, n. In American politics, another throw of the dice, accorded 8784to the player against whom they are loaded. 8785 8786 8787** RECREATION 8788 8789RECREATION, n. A particular kind of dejection to relieve a general 8790fatigue. 8791 8792 8793** RECRUIT 8794 8795RECRUIT, n. A person distinguishable from a civilian by his uniform 8796and from a soldier by his gait. 8797 8798 Fresh from the farm or factory or street, 8799 His marching, in pursuit or in retreat, 8800 Were an impressive martial spectacle 8801 Except for two impediments -- his feet. 8802 Thompson Johnson 8803 8804 8805** RECTOR 8806 8807RECTOR, n. In the Church of England, the Third Person of the 8808parochial Trinity, the Cruate and the Vicar being the other two. 8809 8810 8811** REDEMPTION 8812 8813REDEMPTION, n. Deliverance of sinners from the penalty of their sin, 8814through their murder of the deity against whom they sinned. The 8815doctrine of Redemption is the fundamental mystery of our holy 8816religion, and whoso believeth in it shall not perish, but have 8817everlasting life in which to try to understand it. 8818 8819 We must awake Man's spirit from his sin, 8820 And take some special measure for redeeming it; 8821 Though hard indeed the task to get it in 8822 Among the angels any way but teaming it, 8823 Or purify it otherwise than steaming it. 8824 I'm awkward at Redemption -- a beginner: 8825 My method is to crucify the sinner. 8826 Golgo Brone 8827 8828 8829** REDRESS 8830 8831REDRESS, n. Reparation without satisfaction. 8832 Among the Anglo-Saxon a subject conceiving himself wronged by the 8833king was permitted, on proving his injury, to beat a brazen image of 8834the royal offender with a switch that was afterward applied to his own 8835naked back. The latter rite was performed by the public hangman, and 8836it assured moderation in the plaintiff's choice of a switch. 8837 8838 8839** RED-SKIN 8840 8841RED-SKIN, n. A North American Indian, whose skin is not red -- at 8842least not on the outside. 8843 8844 8845** REDUNDANT 8846 8847REDUNDANT, adj. Superfluous; needless; _de trop_. 8848 8849 The Sultan said: "There's evidence abundant 8850 To prove this unbelieving dog redundant." 8851 To whom the Grand Vizier, with mien impressive, 8852 Replied: "His head, at least, appears excessive." 8853 Habeeb Suleiman 8854 8855 Mr. Debs is a redundant citizen. 8856 Theodore Roosevelt 8857 8858 8859** REFERENDUM 8860 8861REFERENDUM, n. A law for submission of proposed legislation to a 8862popular vote to learn the nonsensus of public opinion. 8863 8864 8865** REFLECTION 8866 8867REFLECTION, n. An action of the mind whereby we obtain a clearer view 8868of our relation to the things of yesterday and are able to avoid the 8869perils that we shall not again encounter. 8870 8871 8872** REFORM 8873 8874REFORM, v. A thing that mostly satisfies reformers opposed to 8875reformation. 8876 8877 8878** REFUGE 8879 8880REFUGE, n. Anything assuring protection to one in peril. Moses and 8881Joshua provided six cities of refuge -- Bezer, Golan, Ramoth, Kadesh, 8882Schekem and Hebron -- to which one who had taken life inadvertently 8883could flee when hunted by relatives of the deceased. This admirable 8884expedient supplied him with wholesome exercise and enabled them to 8885enjoy the pleasures of the chase; whereby the soul of the dead man was 8886appropriately honored by observations akin to the funeral games of 8887early Greece. 8888 8889 8890** REFUSAL 8891 8892REFUSAL, n. Denial of something desired; as an elderly maiden's hand 8893in marriage, to a rich and handsome suitor; a valuable franchise to a 8894rich corporation, by an alderman; absolution to an impenitent king, by 8895a priest, and so forth. Refusals are graded in a descending scale of 8896finality thus: the refusal absolute, the refusal condition, the 8897refusal tentative and the refusal feminine. The last is called by 8898some casuists the refusal assentive. 8899 8900 8901** REGALIA 8902 8903REGALIA, n. Distinguishing insignia, jewels and costume of such 8904ancient and honorable orders as Knights of Adam; Visionaries of 8905Detectable Bosh; the Ancient Order of Modern Troglodytes; the League 8906of Holy Humbug; the Golden Phalanx of Phalangers; the Genteel Society 8907of Expurgated Hoodlums; the Mystic Alliances of Georgeous Regalians; 8908Knights and Ladies of the Yellow Dog; the Oriental Order of Sons of 8909the West; the Blatherhood of Insufferable Stuff; Warriors of the Long 8910Bow; Guardians of the Great Horn Spoon; the Band of Brutes; the 8911Impenitent Order of Wife-Beaters; the Sublime Legion of Flamboyant 8912Conspicuants; Worshipers at the Electroplated Shrine; Shining 8913Inaccessibles; Fee-Faw-Fummers of the inimitable Grip; Jannissaries of 8914the Broad-Blown Peacock; Plumed Increscencies of the Magic Temple; the 8915Grand Cabal of Able-Bodied Sedentarians; Associated Deities of the 8916Butter Trade; the Garden of Galoots; the Affectionate Fraternity of 8917Men Similarly Warted; the Flashing Astonishers; Ladies of Horror; 8918Cooperative Association for Breaking into the Spotlight; Dukes of Eden; 8919Disciples Militant of the Hidden Faith; Knights-Champions of the 8920Domestic Dog; the Holy Gregarians; the Resolute Optimists; the Ancient 8921Sodality of Inhospitable Hogs; Associated Sovereigns of Mendacity; 8922Dukes-Guardian of the Mystic Cess-Pool; the Society for Prevention of 8923Prevalence; Kings of Drink; Polite Federation of Gents-Consequential; 8924the Mysterious Order of the Undecipherable Scroll; Uniformed Rank of 8925Lousy Cats; Monarchs of Worth and Hunger; Sons of the South Star; 8926Prelates of the Tub-and-Sword. 8927 8928 8929** RELIGION 8930 8931RELIGION, n. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the 8932nature of the Unknowable. 8933 "What is your religion my son?" inquired the Archbishop of Rheims. 8934 "Pardon, monseigneur," replied Rochebriant; "I am ashamed of it." 8935 "Then why do you not become an atheist?" 8936 "Impossible! I should be ashamed of atheism." 8937 "In that case, monsieur, you should join the Protestants." 8938 8939 8940** RELIQUARY 8941 8942RELIQUARY, n. A receptacle for such sacred objects as pieces of the 8943true cross, short-ribs of the saints, the ears of Balaam's ass, the 8944lung of the cock that called Peter to repentance and so forth. 8945Reliquaries are commonly of metal, and provided with a lock to prevent 8946the contents from coming out and performing miracles at unseasonable 8947times. A feather from the wing of the Angel of the Annunciation once 8948escaped during a sermon in Saint Peter's and so tickled the noses of 8949the congregation that they woke and sneezed with great vehemence three 8950times each. It is related in the "Gesta Sanctorum" that a sacristan 8951in the Canterbury cathedral surprised the head of Saint Dennis in the 8952library. Reprimanded by its stern custodian, it explained that it was 8953seeking a body of doctrine. This unseemly levity so raged the 8954diocesan that the offender was publicly anathematized, thrown into the 8955Stour and replaced by another head of Saint Dennis, brought from Rome. 8956 8957 8958** RENOWN 8959 8960RENOWN, n. A degree of distinction between notoriety and fame -- a 8961little more supportable than the one and a little more intolerable 8962than the other. Sometimes it is conferred by an unfriendly and 8963inconsiderate hand. 8964 8965 I touched the harp in every key, 8966 But found no heeding ear; 8967 And then Ithuriel touched me 8968 With a revealing spear. 8969 8970 Not all my genius, great as 'tis, 8971 Could urge me out of night. 8972 I felt the faint appulse of his, 8973 And leapt into the light! 8974 W.J. Candleton 8975 8976 8977** REPARATION 8978 8979REPARATION, n. Satisfaction that is made for a wrong and deducted 8980from the satisfaction felt in committing it. 8981 8982 8983** REPARTEE 8984 8985REPARTEE, n. Prudent insult in retort. Practiced by gentlemen with a 8986constitutional aversion to violence, but a strong disposition to 8987offend. In a war of words, the tactics of the North American Indian. 8988 8989 8990** REPENTANCE 8991 8992REPENTANCE, n. The faithful attendant and follower of Punishment. It 8993is usually manifest in a degree of reformation that is not 8994inconsistent with continuity of sin. 8995 8996 Desirous to avoid the pains of Hell, 8997 You will repent and join the Church, Parnell? 8998 How needless! -- Nick will keep you off the coals 8999 And add you to the woes of other souls. 9000 Jomater Abemy 9001 9002 9003** REPLICA 9004 9005REPLICA, n. A reproduction of a work of art, by the artist that made 9006the original. It is so called to distinguish it from a "copy," which 9007is made by another artist. When the two are mae with equal skill the 9008replica is the more valuable, for it is supposed to be more beautiful 9009than it looks. 9010 9011 9012** REPORTER 9013 9014REPORTER, n. A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it 9015with a tempest of words. 9016 9017 "More dear than all my bosom knows, O thou 9018 Whose 'lips are sealed' and will not disavow!" 9019 So sang the blithe reporter-man as grew 9020 Beneath his hand the leg-long "interview." 9021 Barson Maith 9022 9023 9024** REPOSE 9025 9026REPOSE, v.i. To cease from troubling. 9027 9028 9029** REPRESENTATIVE 9030 9031REPRESENTATIVE, n. In national politics, a member of the Lower House 9032in this world, and without discernible hope of promotion in the next. 9033 9034 9035** REPROBATION 9036 9037REPROBATION, n. In theology, the state of a luckless mortal 9038prenatally damned. The doctrine of reprobation was taught by Calvin, 9039whose joy in it was somewhat marred by the sad sincerity of his 9040conviction that although some are foredoomed to perdition, others are 9041predestined to salvation. 9042 9043 9044** REPUBLIC 9045 9046REPUBLIC, n. A nation in which, the thing governing and the thing 9047governed being the same, there is only a permitted authority to 9048enforce an optional obedience. In a republic, the foundation of 9049public order is the ever lessening habit of submission inherited from 9050ancestors who, being truly governed, submitted because they had to. 9051There are as many kinds of republics as there are graduations between 9052the despotism whence they came and the anarchy whither they lead. 9053 9054 9055** REQUIEM 9056 9057REQUIEM, n. A mass for the dead which the minor poets assure us the 9058winds sing o'er the graves of their favorites. Sometimes, by way of 9059providing a varied entertainment, they sing a dirge. 9060 9061 9062** RESIDENT 9063 9064RESIDENT, adj. Unable to leave. 9065 9066 9067** RESIGN 9068 9069RESIGN, v.t. To renounce an honor for an advantage. To renounce an 9070advantage for a greater advantage. 9071 9072 'Twas rumored Leonard Wood had signed 9073 A true renunciation 9074 Of title, rank and every kind 9075 Of military station -- 9076 Each honorable station. 9077 9078 By his example fired -- inclined 9079 To noble emulation, 9080 The country humbly was resigned 9081 To Leonard's resignation -- 9082 His Christian resignation. 9083 Politian Greame 9084 9085 9086** RESOLUTE 9087 9088RESOLUTE, adj. Obstinate in a course that we approve. 9089 9090 9091** RESPECTABILITY 9092 9093RESPECTABILITY, n. The offspring of a _liaison_ between a bald head 9094and a bank account. 9095 9096 9097** RESPIRATOR 9098 9099RESPIRATOR, n. An apparatus fitted over the nose and mouth of an 9100inhabitant of London, whereby to filter the visible universe in its 9101passage to the lungs. 9102 9103 9104** RESPITE 9105 9106RESPITE, n. A suspension of hostilities against a sentenced assassin, 9107to enable the Executive to determine whether the murder may not have 9108been done by the prosecuting attorney. Any break in the continuity of 9109a disagreeable expectation. 9110 9111 Altgeld upon his incandescend bed 9112 Lay, an attendant demon at his head. 9113 9114 "O cruel cook, pray grant me some relief -- 9115 Some respite from the roast, however brief." 9116 9117 "Remember how on earth I pardoned all 9118 Your friends in Illinois when held in thrall." 9119 9120 "Unhappy soul! for that alone you squirm 9121 O'er fire unquenched, a never-dying worm. 9122 9123 "Yet, for I pity your uneasy state, 9124 Your doom I'll mollify and pains abate. 9125 9126 "Naught, for a season, shall your comfort mar, 9127 Not even the memory of who you are." 9128 9129 Throughout eternal space dread silence fell; 9130 Heaven trembled as Compassion entered Hell. 9131 9132 "As long, sweet demon, let my respite be 9133 As, governing down here, I'd respite thee." 9134 9135 "As long, poor soul, as any of the pack 9136 You thrust from jail consumed in getting back." 9137 9138 A genial chill affected Altgeld's hide 9139 While they were turning him on t'other side. 9140 Joel Spate Woop 9141 9142 9143** RESPLENDENT 9144 9145RESPLENDENT, adj. Like a simple American citizen beduking himself in 9146his lodge, or affirming his consequence in the Scheme of Things as an 9147elemental unit of a parade. 9148 9149 The Knights of Dominion were so resplendent in their velvet- 9150 and-gold that their masters would hardly have known them. 9151 "Chronicles of the Classes" 9152 9153 9154** RESPOND 9155 9156RESPOND, v.i. To make answer, or disclose otherwise a consciousness 9157of having inspired an interest in what Herbert Spencer calls "external 9158coexistences," as Satan "squat like a toad" at the ear of Eve, 9159responded to the touch of the angel's spear. To respond in damages is 9160to contribute to the maintenance of the plaintiff's attorney and, 9161incidentally, to the gratification of the plaintiff. 9162 9163 9164** RESPONSIBILITY 9165 9166RESPONSIBILITY, n. A detachable burden easily shifted to the 9167shoulders of God, Fate, Fortune, Luck or one's neighbor. In the days 9168of astrology it was customary to unload it upon a star. 9169 9170 Alas, things ain't what we should see 9171 If Eve had let that apple be; 9172 And many a feller which had ought 9173 To set with monarchses of thought, 9174 Or play some rosy little game 9175 With battle-chaps on fields of fame, 9176 Is downed by his unlucky star 9177 And hollers: "Peanuts! -- here you are!" 9178 "The Sturdy Beggar" 9179 9180 9181** RESTITUTIONS 9182 9183RESTITUTIONS, n. The founding or endowing of universities and public 9184libraries by gift or bequest. 9185 9186 9187** RESTITUTOR 9188 9189RESTITUTOR, n. Benefactor; philanthropist. 9190 9191 9192** RETALIATION 9193 9194RETALIATION, n. The natural rock upon which is reared the Temple of 9195Law. 9196 9197 9198** RETRIBUTION 9199 9200RETRIBUTION, n. A rain of fire-and-brimstone that falls alike upon 9201the just and such of the unjust as have not procured shelter by 9202evicting them. 9203 In the lines following, addressed to an Emperor in exile by Father 9204Gassalasca Jape, the reverend poet appears to hint his sense of the 9205improduence of turning about to face Retribution when it is talking 9206exercise: 9207 9208 What, what! Dom Pedro, you desire to go 9209 Back to Brazil to end your days in quiet? 9210 Why, what assurance have you 'twould be so? 9211 'Tis not so long since you were in a riot, 9212 And your dear subjects showed a will to fly at 9213 Your throat and shake you like a rat. You know 9214 That empires are ungrateful; are you certain 9215 Republics are less handy to get hurt in? 9216 9217 9218** REVEILLE 9219 9220REVEILLE, n. A signal to sleeping soldiers to dream of battlefields 9221no more, but get up and have their blue noses counted. In the 9222American army it is ingeniously called "rev-e-lee," and to that 9223pronunciation our countrymen have pledged their lives, their 9224misfortunes and their sacred dishonor. 9225 9226 9227** REVELATION 9228 9229REVELATION, n. A famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed 9230all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know 9231nothing. 9232 9233 9234** REVERENCE 9235 9236REVERENCE, n. The spiritual attitude of a man to a god and a dog to a 9237man. 9238 9239 9240** REVIEW 9241 9242REVIEW, v.t. 9243 9244 To set your wisdom (holding not a doubt of it, 9245 Although in truth there's neither bone nor skin to it) 9246 At work upon a book, and so read out of it 9247 The qualities that you have first read into it. 9248 9249 9250** REVOLUTION 9251 9252REVOLUTION, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of 9253misgovernment. Specifically, in American history, the substitution of 9254the rule of an Administration for that of a Ministry, whereby the 9255welfare and happiness of the people were advanced a full half-inch. 9256Revolutions are usually accompanied by a considerable effusion of 9257blood, but are accounted worth it -- this appraisement being made by 9258beneficiaries whose blood had not the mischance to be shed. The 9259French revolution is of incalculable value to the Socialist of to-day; 9260when he pulls the string actuating its bones its gestures are 9261inexpressibly terrifying to gory tyrants suspected of fomenting law 9262and order. 9263 9264 9265** RHADOMANCER 9266 9267RHADOMANCER, n. One who uses a divining-rod in prospecting for 9268precious metals in the pocket of a fool. 9269 9270 9271** RIBALDRY 9272 9273RIBALDRY, n. Censorious language by another concerning oneself. 9274 9275 9276** RIBROASTER 9277 9278RIBROASTER, n. Censorious language by oneself concerning another. 9279The word is of classical refinement, and is even said to have been 9280used in a fable by Georgius Coadjutor, one of the most fastidious 9281writers of the fifteenth century -- commonly, indeed, regarded as the 9282founder of the Fastidiotic School. 9283 9284 9285** RICE-WATER 9286 9287RICE-WATER, n. A mystic beverage secretly used by our most popular 9288novelists and poets to regulate the imagination and narcotize the 9289conscience. It is said to be rich in both obtundite and lethargine, 9290and is brewed in a midnight fog by a fat which of the Dismal Swamp. 9291 9292 9293** RICH 9294 9295RICH, adj. Holding in trust and subject to an accounting the property 9296of the indolent, the incompetent, the unthrifty, the envious and the 9297luckless. That is the view that prevails in the underworld, where the 9298Brotherhood of Man finds its most logical development and candid 9299advocacy. To denizens of the midworld the word means good and wise. 9300 9301 9302** RICHES 9303 9304RICHES, n. 9305 9306 A gift from Heaven signifying, "This is my beloved son, in 9307 whom I am well pleased." 9308 John D. Rockefeller 9309 9310 The reward of toil and virtue. 9311 J.P. Morgan 9312 9313 The sayings of many in the hands of one. 9314 Eugene Debs 9315 9316 To these excellent definitions the inspired lexicographer feels 9317that he can add nothing of value. 9318 9319 9320** RIDICULE 9321 9322RIDICULE, n. Words designed to show that the person of whom they are 9323uttered is devoid of the dignity of character distinguishing him who 9324utters them. It may be graphic, mimetic or merely rident. 9325Shaftesbury is quoted as having pronounced it the test of truth -- a 9326ridiculous assertion, for many a solemn fallacy has undergone 9327centuries of ridicule with no abatement of its popular acceptance. 9328What, for example, has been more valorously derided than the doctrine 9329of Infant Respectability? 9330 9331 9332** RIGHT 9333 9334RIGHT, n. Legitimate authority to be, to do or to have; as the right 9335to be a king, the right to do one's neighbor, the right to have 9336measles, and the like. The first of these rights was once universally 9337believed to be derived directly from the will of God; and this is 9338still sometimes affirmed _in partibus infidelium_ outside the 9339enlightened realms of Democracy; as the well known lines of Sir 9340Abednego Bink, following: 9341 9342 By what right, then, do royal rulers rule? 9343 Whose is the sanction of their state and pow'r? 9344 He surely were as stubborn as a mule 9345 Who, God unwilling, could maintain an hour 9346 His uninvited session on the throne, or air 9347 His pride securely in the Presidential chair. 9348 9349 Whatever is is so by Right Divine; 9350 Whate'er occurs, God wills it so. Good land! 9351 It were a wondrous thing if His design 9352 A fool could baffle or a rogue withstand! 9353 If so, then God, I say (intending no offence) 9354 Is guilty of contributory negligence. 9355 9356 9357** RIGHTEOUSNESS 9358 9359RIGHTEOUSNESS, n. A sturdy virtue that was once found among the 9360Pantidoodles inhabiting the lower part of the peninsula of Oque. Some 9361feeble attempts were made by returned missionaries to introduce it 9362into several European countries, but it appears to have been 9363imperfectly expounded. An example of this faulty exposition is found 9364in the only extant sermon of the pious Bishop Rowley, a characteristic 9365passage from which is here given: 9366 9367 "Now righteousness consisteth not merely in a holy state of 9368 mind, nor yet in performance of religious rites and obedience to 9369 the letter of the law. It is not enough that one be pious and 9370 just: one must see to it that others also are in the same state; 9371 and to this end compulsion is a proper means. Forasmuch as my 9372 injustice may work ill to another, so by his injustice may evil be 9373 wrought upon still another, the which it is as manifestly my duty 9374 to estop as to forestall mine own tort. Wherefore if I would be 9375 righteous I am bound to restrain my neighbor, by force if needful, 9376 in all those injurious enterprises from which, through a better 9377 disposition and by the help of Heaven, I do myself restrain." 9378 9379 9380** RIME 9381 9382RIME, n. Agreeing sounds in the terminals of verse, mostly bad. The 9383verses themselves, as distinguished from prose, mostly dull. Usually 9384(and wickedly) spelled "rhyme." 9385 9386 9387** RIMER 9388 9389RIMER, n. A poet regarded with indifference or disesteem. 9390 9391 The rimer quenches his unheeded fires, 9392 The sound surceases and the sense expires. 9393 Then the domestic dog, to east and west, 9394 Expounds the passions burning in his breast. 9395 The rising moon o'er that enchanted land 9396 Pauses to hear and yearns to understand. 9397 Mowbray Myles 9398 9399 9400** RIOT 9401 9402RIOT, n. A popular entertainment given to the military by innocent 9403bystanders. 9404 9405R.I.P. A careless abbreviation of _requiescat in pace_, attesting to 9406indolent goodwill to the dead. According to the learned Dr. Drigge, 9407however, the letters originally meant nothing more than _reductus in 9408pulvis_. 9409 9410 9411** RITE 9412 9413RITE, n. A religious or semi-religious ceremony fixed by law, precept 9414or custom, with the essential oil of sincerity carefully squeezed out 9415of it. 9416 9417 9418** RITUALISM 9419 9420RITUALISM, n. A Dutch Garden of God where He may walk in rectilinear 9421freedom, keeping off the grass. 9422 9423 9424** ROAD 9425 9426ROAD, n. A strip of land along which one may pass from where it is 9427too tiresome to be to where it is futile to go. 9428 9429 All roads, howsoe'er they diverge, lead to Rome, 9430 Whence, thank the good Lord, at least one leads back home. 9431 Borey the Bald 9432 9433 9434** ROBBER 9435 9436ROBBER, n. A candid man of affairs. 9437 It is related of Voltaire that one night he and some traveling 9438companion lodged at a wayside inn. The surroundings were suggestive, 9439and after supper they agreed to tell robber stories in turn. "Once 9440there was a Farmer-General of the Revenues." Saying nothing more, he 9441was encouraged to continue. "That," he said, "is the story." 9442 9443 9444** ROMANCE 9445 9446ROMANCE, n. Fiction that owes no allegiance to the God of Things as 9447They Are. In the novel the writer's thought is tethered to 9448probability, as a domestic horse to the hitching-post, but in romance 9449it ranges at will over the entire region of the imagination -- free, 9450lawless, immune to bit and rein. Your novelist is a poor creature, as 9451Carlyle might say -- a mere reporter. He may invent his characters 9452and plot, but he must not imagine anything taking place that might not 9453occur, albeit his entire narrative is candidly a lie. Why he imposes 9454this hard condition on himself, and "drags at each remove a 9455lengthening chain" of his own forging he can explain in ten thick 9456volumes without illuminating by so much as a candle's ray the black 9457profound of his own ignorance of the matter. There are great novels, 9458for great writers have "laid waste their powers" to write them, but it 9459remains true that far and away the most fascinating fiction that we 9460have is "The Thousand and One Nights." 9461 9462 9463** ROPE 9464 9465ROPE, n. An obsolescent appliance for reminding assassins that they 9466too are mortal. It is put about the neck and remains in place one's 9467whole life long. It has been largely superseded by a more complex 9468electrical device worn upon another part of the person; and this is 9469rapidly giving place to an apparatus known as the preachment. 9470 9471 9472** ROSTRUM 9473 9474ROSTRUM, n. In Latin, the beak of a bird or the prow of a ship. In 9475America, a place from which a candidate for office energetically 9476expounds the wisdom, virtue and power of the rabble. 9477 9478 9479** ROUNDHEAD 9480 9481ROUNDHEAD, n. A member of the Parliamentarian party in the English 9482civil war -- so called from his habit of wearing his hair short, 9483whereas his enemy, the Cavalier, wore his long. There were other 9484points of difference between them, but the fashion in hair was the 9485fundamental cause of quarrel. The Cavaliers were royalists because 9486the king, an indolent fellow, found it more convenient to let his hair 9487grow than to wash his neck. This the Roundheads, who were mostly 9488barbers and soap-boilers, deemed an injury to trade, and the royal 9489neck was therefore the object of their particular indignation. 9490Descendants of the belligerents now wear their hair all alike, but the 9491fires of animosity enkindled in that ancient strife smoulder to this 9492day beneath the snows of British civility. 9493 9494 9495** RUBBISH 9496 9497RUBBISH, n. Worthless matter, such as the religions, philosophies, 9498literatures, arts and sciences of the tribes infesting the regions 9499lying due south from Boreaplas. 9500 9501 9502** RUIN 9503 9504RUIN, v. To destroy. Specifically, to destroy a maid's belief in the 9505virtue of maids. 9506 9507 9508** RUM 9509 9510RUM, n. Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total 9511abstainers. 9512 9513 9514** RUMOR 9515 9516RUMOR, n. A favorite weapon of the assassins of character. 9517 9518 Sharp, irresistible by mail or shield, 9519 By guard unparried as by flight unstayed, 9520 O serviceable Rumor, let me wield 9521 Against my enemy no other blade. 9522 His be the terror of a foe unseen, 9523 His the inutile hand upon the hilt, 9524 And mine the deadly tongue, long, slender, keen, 9525 Hinting a rumor of some ancient guilt. 9526 So shall I slay the wretch without a blow, 9527 Spare me to celebrate his overthrow, 9528 And nurse my valor for another foe. 9529 Joel Buxter 9530 9531 9532** RUSSIAN 9533 9534RUSSIAN, n. A person with a Caucasian body and a Mongolian soul. A 9535Tartar Emetic. 9536 9537 9538 S 9539 9540 9541 9542** SABBATH 9543 9544SABBATH, n. A weekly festival having its origin in the fact that God 9545made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh. Among the 9546Jews observance of the day was enforced by a Commandment of which this 9547is the Christian version: "Remember the seventh day to make thy 9548neighbor keep it wholly." To the Creator it seemed fit and expedient 9549that the Sabbath should be the last day of the week, but the Early 9550Fathers of the Church held other views. So great is the sanctity of 9551the day that even where the Lord holds a doubtful and precarious 9552jurisdiction over those who go down to (and down into) the sea it is 9553reverently recognized, as is manifest in the following deep-water 9554version of the Fourth Commandment: 9555 9556 Six days shalt thou labor and do all thou art able, 9557 And on the seventh holystone the deck and scrape the cable. 9558 9559 Decks are no longer holystoned, but the cable still supplies the 9560captain with opportunity to attest a pious respect for the divine 9561ordinance. 9562 9563 9564** SACERDOTALIST 9565 9566SACERDOTALIST, n. One who holds the belief that a clergyman is a 9567priest. Denial of this momentous doctrine is the hardest challenge 9568that is now flung into the teeth of the Episcopalian church by the 9569Neo-Dictionarians. 9570 9571 9572** SACRAMENT 9573 9574SACRAMENT, n. A solemn religious ceremony to which several degrees of 9575authority and significance are attached. Rome has seven sacraments, 9576but the Protestant churches, being less prosperous, feel that they can 9577afford only two, and these of inferior sanctity. Some of the smaller 9578sects have no sacraments at all -- for which mean economy they will 9579indubitable be damned. 9580 9581 9582** SACRED 9583 9584SACRED, adj. Dedicated to some religious purpose; having a divine 9585character; inspiring solemn thoughts or emotions; as, the Dalai Lama 9586of Thibet; the Moogum of M'bwango; the temple of Apes in Ceylon; the 9587Cow in India; the Crocodile, the Cat and the Onion of ancient Egypt; 9588the Mufti of Moosh; the hair of the dog that bit Noah, etc. 9589 9590 All things are either sacred or profane. 9591 The former to ecclesiasts bring gain; 9592 The latter to the devil appertain. 9593 Dumbo Omohundro 9594 9595 9596** SANDLOTTER 9597 9598SANDLOTTER, n. A vertebrate mammal holding the political views of 9599Denis Kearney, a notorious demagogue of San Francisco, whose audiences 9600gathered in the open spaces (sandlots) of the town. True to the 9601traditions of his species, this leader of the proletariat was finally 9602bought off by his law-and-order enemies, living prosperously silent 9603and dying impenitently rich. But before his treason he imposed upon 9604California a constitution that was a confection of sin in a diction of 9605solecisms. The similarity between the words "sandlotter" and 9606"sansculotte" is problematically significant, but indubitably 9607suggestive. 9608 9609 9610** SAFETY-CLUTCH 9611 9612SAFETY-CLUTCH, n. A mechanical device acting automatically to prevent 9613the fall of an elevator, or cage, in case of an accident to the 9614hoisting apparatus. 9615 9616 Once I seen a human ruin 9617 In an elevator-well, 9618 And his members was bestrewin' 9619 All the place where he had fell. 9620 9621 And I says, apostrophisin' 9622 That uncommon woful wreck: 9623 "Your position's so surprisin' 9624 That I tremble for your neck!" 9625 9626 Then that ruin, smilin' sadly 9627 And impressive, up and spoke: 9628 "Well, I wouldn't tremble badly, 9629 For it's been a fortnight broke." 9630 9631 Then, for further comprehension 9632 Of his attitude, he begs 9633 I will focus my attention 9634 On his various arms and legs -- 9635 9636 How they all are contumacious; 9637 Where they each, respective, lie; 9638 How one trotter proves ungracious, 9639 T'other one an _alibi_. 9640 9641 These particulars is mentioned 9642 For to show his dismal state, 9643 Which I wasn't first intentioned 9644 To specifical relate. 9645 9646 None is worser to be dreaded 9647 That I ever have heard tell 9648 Than the gent's who there was spreaded 9649 In that elevator-well. 9650 9651 Now this tale is allegoric -- 9652 It is figurative all, 9653 For the well is metaphoric 9654 And the feller didn't fall. 9655 9656 I opine it isn't moral 9657 For a writer-man to cheat, 9658 And despise to wear a laurel 9659 As was gotten by deceit. 9660 9661 For 'tis Politics intended 9662 By the elevator, mind, 9663 It will boost a person splendid 9664 If his talent is the kind. 9665 9666 Col. Bryan had the talent 9667 (For the busted man is him) 9668 And it shot him up right gallant 9669 Till his head begun to swim. 9670 9671 Then the rope it broke above him 9672 And he painful come to earth 9673 Where there's nobody to love him 9674 For his detrimented worth. 9675 9676 Though he's livin' none would know him, 9677 Or at leastwise not as such. 9678 Moral of this woful poem: 9679 Frequent oil your safety-clutch. 9680 Porfer Poog 9681 9682 9683** SAINT 9684 9685SAINT, n. A dead sinner revised and edited. 9686 The Duchess of Orleans relates that the irreverent old 9687calumniator, Marshal Villeroi, who in his youth had known St. Francis 9688de Sales, said, on hearing him called saint: "I am delighted to hear 9689that Monsieur de Sales is a saint. He was fond of saying indelicate 9690things, and used to cheat at cards. In other respects he was a 9691perfect gentleman, though a fool." 9692 9693 9694** SALACITY 9695 9696SALACITY, n. A certain literary quality frequently observed in 9697popular novels, especially in those written by women and young girls, 9698who give it another name and think that in introducing it they are 9699occupying a neglected field of letters and reaping an overlooked 9700harvest. If they have the misfortune to live long enough they are 9701tormented with a desire to burn their sheaves. 9702 9703 9704** SALAMANDER 9705 9706SALAMANDER, n. Originally a reptile inhabiting fire; later, an 9707anthropomorphous immortal, but still a pyrophile. Salamanders are now 9708believed to be extinct, the last one of which we have an account 9709having been seen in Carcassonne by the Abbe Belloc, who exorcised it 9710with a bucket of holy water. 9711 9712 9713** SARCOPHAGUS 9714 9715SARCOPHAGUS, n. Among the Greeks a coffin which being made of a 9716certain kind of carnivorous stone, had the peculiar property of 9717devouring the body placed in it. The sarcophagus known to modern 9718obsequiographers is commonly a product of the carpenter's art. 9719 9720 9721** SATAN 9722 9723SATAN, n. One of the Creator's lamentable mistakes, repented in 9724sashcloth and axes. Being instated as an archangel, Satan made 9725himself multifariously objectionable and was finally expelled from 9726Heaven. Halfway in his descent he paused, bent his head in thought a 9727moment and at last went back. "There is one favor that I should like 9728to ask," said he. 9729 "Name it." 9730 "Man, I understand, is about to be created. He will need laws." 9731 "What, wretch! you his appointed adversary, charged from the dawn 9732of eternity with hatred of his soul -- you ask for the right to make 9733his laws?" 9734 "Pardon; what I have to ask is that he be permitted to make them 9735himself." 9736 It was so ordered. 9737 9738 9739** SATIETY 9740 9741SATIETY, n. The feeling that one has for the plate after he has eaten 9742its contents, madam. 9743 9744 9745** SATIRE 9746 9747SATIRE, n. An obsolete kind of literary composition in which the 9748vices and follies of the author's enemies were expounded with 9749imperfect tenderness. In this country satire never had more than a 9750sickly and uncertain existence, for the soul of it is wit, wherein we 9751are dolefully deficient, the humor that we mistake for it, like all 9752humor, being tolerant and sympathetic. Moreover, although Americans 9753are "endowed by their Creator" with abundant vice and folly, it is not 9754generally known that these are reprehensible qualities, wherefore the 9755satirist is popularly regarded as a soul-spirited knave, and his ever 9756victim's outcry for codefendants evokes a national assent. 9757 9758 Hail Satire! be thy praises ever sung 9759 In the dead language of a mummy's tongue, 9760 For thou thyself art dead, and damned as well -- 9761 Thy spirit (usefully employed) in Hell. 9762 Had it been such as consecrates the Bible 9763 Thou hadst not perished by the law of libel. 9764 Barney Stims 9765 9766 9767** SATYR 9768 9769SATYR, n. One of the few characters of the Grecian mythology accorded 9770recognition in the Hebrew. (Leviticus, xvii, 7.) The satyr was at 9771first a member of the dissolute community acknowledging a loose 9772allegiance with Dionysius, but underwent many transformations and 9773improvements. Not infrequently he is confounded with the faun, a 9774later and decenter creation of the Romans, who was less like a man and 9775more like a goat. 9776 9777 9778** SAUCE 9779 9780SAUCE, n. The one infallible sign of civilization and enlightenment. 9781 9782A people with no sauces has one thousand vices; a people with one 9783sauce has only nine hundred and ninety-nine. For every sauce invented 9784and accepted a vice is renounced and forgiven. 9785 9786 9787** SAW 9788 9789SAW, n. A trite popular saying, or proverb. (Figurative and 9790colloquial.) So called because it makes its way into a wooden head. 9791Following are examples of old saws fitted with new teeth. 9792 9793 A penny saved is a penny to squander. 9794 9795 A man is known by the company that he organizes. 9796 9797 A bad workman quarrels with the man who calls him that. 9798 9799 A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. 9800 9801 Better late than before anybody has invited you. 9802 9803 Example is better than following it. 9804 9805 Half a loaf is better than a whole one if there is much else. 9806 9807 Think twice before you speak to a friend in need. 9808 9809 What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to 9810 do it. 9811 9812 Least said is soonest disavowed. 9813 9814 He laughs best who laughs least. 9815 9816 Speak of the Devil and he will hear about it. 9817 9818 Of two evils choose to be the least. 9819 9820 Strike while your employer has a big contract. 9821 9822 Where there's a will there's a won't. 9823 9824 9825** SCARABAEUS 9826 9827SCARABAEUS, n. The sacred beetle of the ancient Egyptians, allied to 9828our familiar "tumble-bug." It was supposed to symbolize immortality, 9829the fact that God knew why giving it its peculiar sanctity. Its habit 9830of incubating its eggs in a ball of ordure may also have commended it 9831to the favor of the priesthood, and may some day assure it an equal 9832reverence among ourselves. True, the American beetle is an inferior 9833beetle, but the American priest is an inferior priest. 9834 9835 9836** SCARABEE 9837 9838SCARABEE, n. The same as scarabaeus. 9839 9840 He fell by his own hand 9841 Beneath the great oak tree. 9842 He'd traveled in a foreign land. 9843 He tried to make her understand 9844 The dance that's called the Saraband, 9845 But he called it Scarabee. 9846 He had called it so through an afternoon, 9847 And she, the light of his harem if so might be, 9848 Had smiled and said naught. O the body was fair to see, 9849 All frosted there in the shine o' the moon -- 9850 Dead for a Scarabee 9851 And a recollection that came too late. 9852 O Fate! 9853 They buried him where he lay, 9854 He sleeps awaiting the Day, 9855 In state, 9856 And two Possible Puns, moon-eyed and wan, 9857 Gloom over the grave and then move on. 9858 Dead for a Scarabee! 9859 Fernando Tapple 9860 9861 9862** SCARIFICATION 9863 9864SCARIFICATION, n. A form of penance practised by the mediaeval pious. 9865The rite was performed, sometimes with a knife, sometimes with a hot 9866iron, but always, says Arsenius Asceticus, acceptably if the penitent 9867spared himself no pain nor harmless disfigurement. Scarification, 9868with other crude penances, has now been superseded by benefaction. 9869The founding of a library or endowment of a university is said to 9870yield to the penitent a sharper and more lasting pain than is 9871conferred by the knife or iron, and is therefore a surer means of 9872grace. There are, however, two grave objections to it as a 9873penitential method: the good that it does and the taint of justice. 9874 9875 9876** SCEPTER 9877 9878SCEPTER, n. A king's staff of office, the sign and symbol of his 9879authority. It was originally a mace with which the sovereign 9880admonished his jester and vetoed ministerial measures by breaking the 9881bones of their proponents. 9882 9883 9884** SCIMETAR 9885 9886SCIMETAR, n. A curved sword of exceeding keenness, in the conduct of 9887which certain Orientals attain a surprising proficiency, as the 9888incident here related will serve to show. The account is translated 9889from the Japanese by Shusi Itama, a famous writer of the thirteenth 9890century. 9891 9892 When the great Gichi-Kuktai was Mikado he condemned to 9893 decapitation Jijiji Ri, a high officer of the Court. Soon after 9894 the hour appointed for performance of the rite what was his 9895 Majesty's surprise to see calmly approaching the throne the man 9896 who should have been at that time ten minutes dead! 9897 "Seventeen hundred impossible dragons!" shouted the enraged 9898 monarch. "Did I not sentence you to stand in the market-place and 9899 have your head struck off by the public executioner at three 9900 o'clock? And is it not now 3:10?" 9901 "Son of a thousand illustrious deities," answered the 9902 condemned minister, "all that you say is so true that the truth is 9903 a lie in comparison. But your heavenly Majesty's sunny and 9904 vitalizing wishes have been pestilently disregarded. With joy I 9905 ran and placed my unworthy body in the market-place. The 9906 executioner appeared with his bare scimetar, ostentatiously 9907 whirled it in air, and then, tapping me lightly upon the neck, 9908 strode away, pelted by the populace, with whom I was ever a 9909 favorite. I am come to pray for justice upon his own dishonorable 9910 and treasonous head." 9911 "To what regiment of executioners does the black-boweled 9912 caitiff belong?" asked the Mikado. 9913 "To the gallant Ninety-eight Hundred and Thirty-seventh -- I 9914 know the man. His name is Sakko-Samshi." 9915 "Let him be brought before me," said the Mikado to an 9916 attendant, and a half-hour later the culprit stood in the 9917 Presence. 9918 "Thou bastard son of a three-legged hunchback without thumbs!" 9919 roared the sovereign -- "why didst thou but lightly tap the neck 9920 that it should have been thy pleasure to sever?" 9921 "Lord of Cranes of Cherry Blooms," replied the executioner, 9922 unmoved, "command him to blow his nose with his fingers." 9923 Being commanded, Jijiji Ri laid hold of his nose and trumpeted 9924 like an elephant, all expecting to see the severed head flung 9925 violently from him. Nothing occurred: the performance prospered 9926 peacefully to the close, without incident. 9927 All eyes were now turned on the executioner, who had grown as 9928 white as the snows on the summit of Fujiama. His legs trembled 9929 and his breath came in gasps of terror. 9930 "Several kinds of spike-tailed brass lions!" he cried; "I am a 9931 ruined and disgraced swordsman! I struck the villain feebly 9932 because in flourishing the scimetar I had accidentally passed it 9933 through my own neck! Father of the Moon, I resign my office." 9934 So saying, he gasped his top-knot, lifted off his head, and 9935 advancing to the throne laid it humbly at the Mikado's feet. 9936 9937 9938** SCRAP-BOOK 9939 9940SCRAP-BOOK, n. A book that is commonly edited by a fool. Many 9941persons of some small distinction compile scrap-books containing 9942whatever they happen to read about themselves or employ others to 9943collect. One of these egotists was addressed in the lines following, 9944by Agamemnon Melancthon Peters: 9945 9946 Dear Frank, that scrap-book where you boast 9947 You keep a record true 9948 Of every kind of peppered roast 9949 That's made of you; 9950 9951 Wherein you paste the printed gibes 9952 That revel round your name, 9953 Thinking the laughter of the scribes 9954 Attests your fame; 9955 9956 Where all the pictures you arrange 9957 That comic pencils trace -- 9958 Your funny figure and your strange 9959 Semitic face -- 9960 9961 Pray lend it me. Wit I have not, 9962 Nor art, but there I'll list 9963 The daily drubbings you'd have got 9964 Had God a fist. 9965 9966 9967** SCRIBBLER 9968 9969SCRIBBLER, n. A professional writer whose views are antagonistic to 9970one's own. 9971 9972 9973** SCRIPTURES 9974 9975SCRIPTURES, n. The sacred books of our holy religion, as 9976distinguished from the false and profane writings on which all other 9977faiths are based. 9978 9979 9980** SEAL 9981 9982SEAL, n. A mark impressed upon certain kinds of documents to attest 9983their authenticity and authority. Sometimes it is stamped upon wax, 9984and attached to the paper, sometimes into the paper itself. Sealing, 9985in this sense, is a survival of an ancient custom of inscribing 9986important papers with cabalistic words or signs to give them a magical 9987efficacy independent of the authority that they represent. In the 9988British museum are preserved many ancient papers, mostly of a 9989sacerdotal character, validated by necromantic pentagrams and other 9990devices, frequently initial letters of words to conjure with; and in 9991many instances these are attached in the same way that seals are 9992appended now. As nearly every reasonless and apparently meaningless 9993custom, rite or observance of modern times had origin in some remote 9994utility, it is pleasing to note an example of ancient nonsense 9995evolving in the process of ages into something really useful. Our 9996word "sincere" is derived from _sine cero_, without wax, but the 9997learned are not in agreement as to whether this refers to the absence 9998of the cabalistic signs, or to that of the wax with which letters were 9999formerly closed from public scrutiny. Either view of the matter will 10000serve one in immediate need of an hypothesis. The initials L.S., 10001commonly appended to signatures of legal documents, mean _locum 10002sigillis_, the place of the seal, although the seal is no longer used 10003-- an admirable example of conservatism distinguishing Man from the 10004beasts that perish. The words _locum sigillis_ are humbly suggested 10005as a suitable motto for the Pribyloff Islands whenever they shall take 10006their place as a sovereign State of the American Union. 10007 10008 10009** SEINE 10010 10011SEINE, n. A kind of net for effecting an involuntary change of 10012environment. For fish it is made strong and coarse, but women are 10013more easily taken with a singularly delicate fabric weighted with 10014small, cut stones. 10015 10016 The devil casting a seine of lace, 10017 (With precious stones 'twas weighted) 10018 Drew it into the landing place 10019 And its contents calculated. 10020 10021 All souls of women were in that sack -- 10022 A draft miraculous, precious! 10023 But ere he could throw it across his back 10024 They'd all escaped through the meshes. 10025 Baruch de Loppis 10026 10027 10028** SELF-ESTEEM 10029 10030SELF-ESTEEM, n. An erroneous appraisement. 10031 10032 10033** SELF-EVIDENT 10034 10035SELF-EVIDENT, adj. Evident to one's self and to nobody else. 10036 10037 10038** SELFISH 10039 10040SELFISH, adj. Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others. 10041 10042 10043** SENATE 10044 10045SENATE, n. A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and 10046misdemeanors. 10047 10048 10049** SERIAL 10050 10051SERIAL, n. A literary work, usually a story that is not true, 10052creeping through several issues of a newspaper or magazine. 10053Frequently appended to each installment is a "synposis of preceding 10054chapters" for those who have not read them, but a direr need is a 10055synposis of succeeding chapters for those who do not intend to read 10056_them_. A synposis of the entire work would be still better. 10057 The late James F. Bowman was writing a serial tale for a weekly 10058paper in collaboration with a genius whose name has not come down to 10059us. They wrote, not jointly but alternately, Bowman supplying the 10060installment for one week, his friend for the next, and so on, world 10061without end, they hoped. Unfortunately they quarreled, and one Monday 10062morning when Bowman read the paper to prepare himself for his task, he 10063found his work cut out for him in a way to surprise and pain him. His 10064collaborator had embarked every character of the narrative on a ship 10065and sunk them all in the deepest part of the Atlantic. 10066 10067 10068** SEVERALTY 10069 10070SEVERALTY, n. Separateness, as, lands in severalty, i.e., lands held 10071individually, not in joint ownership. Certain tribes of Indians are 10072believed now to be sufficiently civilized to have in severalty the 10073lands that they have hitherto held as tribal organizations, and could 10074not sell to the Whites for waxen beads and potato whiskey. 10075 10076 Lo! the poor Indian whose unsuited mind 10077 Saw death before, hell and the grave behind; 10078 Whom thrifty settler ne'er besought to stay -- 10079 His small belongings their appointed prey; 10080 Whom Dispossession, with alluring wile, 10081 Persuaded elsewhere every little while! 10082 His fire unquenched and his undying worm 10083 By "land in severalty" (charming term!) 10084 Are cooled and killed, respectively, at last, 10085 And he to his new holding anchored fast! 10086 10087 10088** SHERIFF 10089 10090SHERIFF, n. In America the chief executive office of a country, whose 10091most characteristic duties, in some of the Western and Southern 10092States, are the catching and hanging of rogues. 10093 10094 John Elmer Pettibone Cajee 10095 (I write of him with little glee) 10096 Was just as bad as he could be. 10097 10098 'Twas frequently remarked: "I swon! 10099 The sun has never looked upon 10100 So bad a man as Neighbor John." 10101 10102 A sinner through and through, he had 10103 This added fault: it made him mad 10104 To know another man was bad. 10105 10106 In such a case he thought it right 10107 To rise at any hour of night 10108 And quench that wicked person's light. 10109 10110 Despite the town's entreaties, he 10111 Would hale him to the nearest tree 10112 And leave him swinging wide and free. 10113 10114 Or sometimes, if the humor came, 10115 A luckless wight's reluctant frame 10116 Was given to the cheerful flame. 10117 10118 While it was turning nice and brown, 10119 All unconcerned John met the frown 10120 Of that austere and righteous town. 10121 10122 "How sad," his neighbors said, "that he 10123 So scornful of the law should be -- 10124 An anar c, h, i, s, t." 10125 10126 (That is the way that they preferred 10127 To utter the abhorrent word, 10128 So strong the aversion that it stirred.) 10129 10130 "Resolved," they said, continuing, 10131 "That Badman John must cease this thing 10132 Of having his unlawful fling. 10133 10134 "Now, by these sacred relics" -- here 10135 Each man had out a souvenir 10136 Got at a lynching yesteryear -- 10137 10138 "By these we swear he shall forsake 10139 His ways, nor cause our hearts to ache 10140 By sins of rope and torch and stake. 10141 10142 "We'll tie his red right hand until 10143 He'll have small freedom to fulfil 10144 The mandates of his lawless will." 10145 10146 So, in convention then and there, 10147 They named him Sheriff. The affair 10148 Was opened, it is said, with prayer. 10149 J. Milton Sloluck 10150 10151 10152** SIREN 10153 10154SIREN, n. One of several musical prodigies famous for a vain attempt 10155to dissuade Odysseus from a life on the ocean wave. Figuratively, any 10156lady of splendid promise, dissembled purpose and disappointing 10157performance. 10158 10159 10160** SLANG 10161 10162SLANG, n. The grunt of the human hog (_Pignoramus intolerabilis_) 10163with an audible memory. The speech of one who utters with his tongue 10164what he thinks with his ear, and feels the pride of a creator in 10165accomplishing the feat of a parrot. A means (under Providence) of 10166setting up as a wit without a capital of sense. 10167 10168 10169** SMITHAREEN 10170 10171SMITHAREEN, n. A fragment, a decomponent part, a remain. The word is 10172used variously, but in the following verse on a noted female reformer 10173who opposed bicycle-riding by women because it "led them to the devil" 10174it is seen at its best: 10175 10176 The wheels go round without a sound -- 10177 The maidens hold high revel; 10178 In sinful mood, insanely gay, 10179 True spinsters spin adown the way 10180 From duty to the devil! 10181 They laugh, they sing, and -- ting-a-ling! 10182 Their bells go all the morning; 10183 Their lanterns bright bestar the night 10184 Pedestrians a-warning. 10185 With lifted hands Miss Charlotte stands, 10186 Good-Lording and O-mying, 10187 Her rheumatism forgotten quite, 10188 Her fat with anger frying. 10189 She blocks the path that leads to wrath, 10190 Jack Satan's power defying. 10191 The wheels go round without a sound 10192 The lights burn red and blue and green. 10193 What's this that's found upon the ground? 10194 Poor Charlotte Smith's a smithareen! 10195 John William Yope 10196 10197 10198** SOPHISTRY 10199 10200SOPHISTRY, n. The controversial method of an opponent, distinguished 10201from one's own by superior insincerity and fooling. This method is 10202that of the later Sophists, a Grecian sect of philosophers who began 10203by teaching wisdom, prudence, science, art and, in brief, whatever men 10204ought to know, but lost themselves in a maze of quibbles and a fog of 10205words. 10206 10207 His bad opponent's "facts" he sweeps away, 10208 And drags his sophistry to light of day; 10209 Then swears they're pushed to madness who resort 10210 To falsehood of so desperate a sort. 10211 Not so; like sods upon a dead man's breast, 10212 He lies most lightly who the least is pressed. 10213 Polydore Smith 10214 10215 10216** SORCERY 10217 10218SORCERY, n. The ancient prototype and forerunner of political 10219influence. It was, however, deemed less respectable and sometimes was 10220punished by torture and death. Augustine Nicholas relates that a poor 10221peasant who had been accused of sorcery was put to the torture to 10222compel a confession. After enduring a few gentle agonies the 10223suffering simpleton admitted his guilt, but naively asked his 10224tormentors if it were not possible to be a sorcerer without knowing 10225it. 10226 10227 10228** SOUL 10229 10230SOUL, n. A spiritual entity concerning which there hath been brave 10231disputation. Plato held that those souls which in a previous state of 10232existence (antedating Athens) had obtained the clearest glimpses of 10233eternal truth entered into the bodies of persons who became 10234philosophers. Plato himself was a philosopher. The souls that had 10235least contemplated divine truth animated the bodies of usurpers and 10236despots. Dionysius I, who had threatened to decapitate the broad- 10237browed philosopher, was a usurper and a despot. Plato, doubtless, was 10238not the first to construct a system of philosophy that could be quoted 10239against his enemies; certainly he was not the last. 10240 "Concerning the nature of the soul," saith the renowned author of 10241_Diversiones Sanctorum_, "there hath been hardly more argument than 10242that of its place in the body. Mine own belief is that the soul hath 10243her seat in the abdomen -- in which faith we may discern and interpret 10244a truth hitherto unintelligible, namely that the glutton is of all men 10245most devout. He is said in the Scripture to 'make a god of his belly' 10246-- why, then, should he not be pious, having ever his Deity with him 10247to freshen his faith? Who so well as he can know the might and 10248majesty that he shrines? Truly and soberly, the soul and the stomach 10249are one Divine Entity; and such was the belief of Promasius, who 10250nevertheless erred in denying it immortality. He had observed that 10251its visible and material substance failed and decayed with the rest of 10252the body after death, but of its immaterial essence he knew nothing. 10253This is what we call the Appetite, and it survives the wreck and reek 10254of mortality, to be rewarded or punished in another world, according 10255to what it hath demanded in the flesh. The Appetite whose coarse 10256clamoring was for the unwholesome viands of the general market and the 10257public refectory shall be cast into eternal famine, whilst that which 10258firmly through civilly insisted on ortolans, caviare, terrapin, 10259anchovies, _pates de foie gras_ and all such Christian comestibles 10260shall flesh its spiritual tooth in the souls of them forever and ever, 10261and wreak its divine thirst upon the immortal parts of the rarest and 10262richest wines ever quaffed here below. Such is my religious faith, 10263though I grieve to confess that neither His Holiness the Pope nor His 10264Grace the Archbishop of Canterbury (whom I equally and profoundly 10265revere) will assent to its dissemination." 10266 10267 10268** SPOOKER 10269 10270SPOOKER, n. A writer whose imagination concerns itself with 10271supernatural phenomena, especially in the doings of spooks. One of 10272the most illustrious spookers of our time is Mr. William D. Howells, 10273who introduces a well-credentialed reader to as respectable and 10274mannerly a company of spooks as one could wish to meet. To the terror 10275that invests the chairman of a district school board, the Howells 10276ghost adds something of the mystery enveloping a farmer from another 10277township. 10278 10279 10280** STORY 10281 10282STORY, n. A narrative, commonly untrue. The truth of the stories 10283here following has, however, not been successfully impeached. 10284 10285 One evening Mr. Rudolph Block, of New York, found himself seated 10286at dinner alongside Mr. Percival Pollard, the distinguished critic. 10287 "Mr. Pollard," said he, "my book, _The Biography of a Dead Cow_, 10288is published anonymously, but you can hardly be ignorant of its 10289authorship. Yet in reviewing it you speak of it as the work of the 10290Idiot of the Century. Do you think that fair criticism?" 10291 "I am very sorry, sir," replied the critic, amiably, "but it did 10292not occur to me that you really might not wish the public to know who 10293wrote it." 10294 10295 Mr. W.C. Morrow, who used to live in San Jose, California, was 10296addicted to writing ghost stories which made the reader feel as if a 10297stream of lizards, fresh from the ice, were streaking it up his back 10298and hiding in his hair. San Jose was at that time believed to be 10299haunted by the visible spirit of a noted bandit named Vasquez, who had 10300been hanged there. The town was not very well lighted, and it is 10301putting it mildly to say that San Jose was reluctant to be out o' 10302nights. One particularly dark night two gentlemen were abroad in the 10303loneliest spot within the city limits, talking loudly to keep up their 10304courage, when they came upon Mr. J.J. Owen, a well-known journalist. 10305 "Why, Owen," said one, "what brings you here on such a night as 10306this? You told me that this is one of Vasquez' favorite haunts! And 10307you are a believer. Aren't you afraid to be out?" 10308 "My dear fellow," the journalist replied with a drear autumnal 10309cadence in his speech, like the moan of a leaf-laden wind, "I am 10310afraid to be in. I have one of Will Morrow's stories in my pocket and 10311I don't dare to go where there is light enough to read it." 10312 10313 Rear-Admiral Schley and Representative Charles F. Joy were 10314standing near the Peace Monument, in Washington, discussing the 10315question, Is success a failure? Mr. Joy suddenly broke off in the 10316middle of an eloquent sentence, exclaiming: "Hello! I've heard that 10317band before. Santlemann's, I think." 10318 "I don't hear any band," said Schley. 10319 "Come to think, I don't either," said Joy; "but I see General 10320Miles coming down the avenue, and that pageant always affects me in 10321the same way as a brass band. One has to scrutinize one's impressions 10322pretty closely, or one will mistake their origin." 10323 While the Admiral was digesting this hasty meal of philosophy 10324General Miles passed in review, a spectacle of impressive dignity. 10325When the tail of the seeming procession had passed and the two 10326observers had recovered from the transient blindness caused by its 10327effulgence -- 10328 "He seems to be enjoying himself," said the Admiral. 10329 "There is nothing," assented Joy, thoughtfully, "that he enjoys 10330one-half so well." 10331 10332 The illustrious statesman, Champ Clark, once lived about a mile 10333from the village of Jebigue, in Missouri. One day he rode into town 10334on a favorite mule, and, hitching the beast on the sunny side of a 10335street, in front of a saloon, he went inside in his character of 10336teetotaler, to apprise the barkeeper that wine is a mocker. It was a 10337dreadfully hot day. Pretty soon a neighbor came in and seeing Clark, 10338said: 10339 "Champ, it is not right to leave that mule out there in the sun. 10340He'll roast, sure! -- he was smoking as I passed him." 10341 "O, he's all right," said Clark, lightly; "he's an inveterate 10342smoker." 10343 The neighbor took a lemonade, but shook his head and repeated that 10344it was not right. 10345 He was a conspirator. There had been a fire the night before: a 10346stable just around the corner had burned and a number of horses had 10347put on their immortality, among them a young colt, which was roasted 10348to a rich nut-brown. Some of the boys had turned Mr. Clark's mule 10349loose and substituted the mortal part of the colt. Presently another 10350man entered the saloon. 10351 "For mercy's sake!" he said, taking it with sugar, "do remove that 10352mule, barkeeper: it smells." 10353 "Yes," interposed Clark, "that animal has the best nose in 10354Missouri. But if he doesn't mind, you shouldn't." 10355 In the course of human events Mr. Clark went out, and there, 10356apparently, lay the incinerated and shrunken remains of his charger. 10357The boys idd not have any fun out of Mr. Clarke, who looked at the 10358body and, with the non-committal expression to which he owes so much 10359of his political preferment, went away. But walking home late that 10360night he saw his mule standing silent and solemn by the wayside in the 10361misty moonlight. Mentioning the name of Helen Blazes with uncommon 10362emphasis, Mr. Clark took the back track as hard as ever he could hook 10363it, and passed the night in town. 10364 10365 General H.H. Wotherspoon, president of the Army War College, has a 10366pet rib-nosed baboon, an animal of uncommon intelligence but 10367imperfectly beautiful. Returning to his apartment one evening, the 10368General was surprised and pained to find Adam (for so the creature is 10369named, the general being a Darwinian) sitting up for him and wearing 10370his master's best uniform coat, epaulettes and all. 10371 "You confounded remote ancestor!" thundered the great strategist, 10372"what do you mean by being out of bed after naps? -- and with my coat 10373on!" 10374 Adam rose and with a reproachful look got down on all fours in the 10375manner of his kind and, scuffling across the room to a table, returned 10376with a visiting-card: General Barry had called and, judging by an 10377empty champagne bottle and several cigar-stumps, had been hospitably 10378entertained while waiting. The general apologized to his faithful 10379progenitor and retired. The next day he met General Barry, who said: 10380 "Spoon, old man, when leaving you last evening I forgot to ask you 10381about those excellent cigars. Where did you get them?" 10382 General Wotherspoon did not deign to reply, but walked away. 10383 "Pardon me, please," said Barry, moving after him; "I was joking 10384of course. Why, I knew it was not you before I had been in the room 10385fifteen minutes." 10386 10387 10388** SUCCESS 10389 10390SUCCESS, n. The one unpardonable sin against one's fellows. In 10391literature, and particularly in poetry, the elements of success are 10392exceedingly simple, and are admirably set forth in the following lines 10393by the reverend Father Gassalasca Jape, entitled, for some mysterious 10394reason, "John A. Joyce." 10395 10396 The bard who would prosper must carry a book, 10397 Do his thinking in prose and wear 10398 A crimson cravat, a far-away look 10399 And a head of hexameter hair. 10400 Be thin in your thought and your body'll be fat; 10401 If you wear your hair long you needn't your hat. 10402 10403 10404** SUFFRAGE 10405 10406SUFFRAGE, n. Expression of opinion by means of a ballot. The right 10407of suffrage (which is held to be both a privilege and a duty) means, 10408as commonly interpreted, the right to vote for the man of another 10409man's choice, and is highly prized. Refusal to do so has the bad name 10410of "incivism." The incivilian, however, cannot be properly arraigned 10411for his crime, for there is no legitimate accuser. If the accuser is 10412himself guilty he has no standing in the court of opinion; if not, he 10413profits by the crime, for A's abstention from voting gives greater 10414weight to the vote of B. By female suffrage is meant the right of a 10415woman to vote as some man tells her to. It is based on female 10416responsibility, which is somewhat limited. The woman most eager to 10417jump out of her petticoat to assert her rights is first to jump back 10418into it when threatened with a switching for misusing them. 10419 10420 10421** SYCOPHANT 10422 10423SYCOPHANT, n. One who approaches Greatness on his belly so that he 10424may not be commanded to turn and be kicked. He is sometimes an 10425editor. 10426 10427 As the lean leech, its victim found, is pleased 10428 To fix itself upon a part diseased 10429 Till, its black hide distended with bad blood, 10430 It drops to die of surfeit in the mud, 10431 So the base sycophant with joy descries 10432 His neighbor's weak spot and his mouth applies, 10433 Gorges and prospers like the leech, although, 10434 Unlike that reptile, he will not let go. 10435 Gelasma, if it paid you to devote 10436 Your talent to the service of a goat, 10437 Showing by forceful logic that its beard 10438 Is more than Aaron's fit to be revered; 10439 If to the task of honoring its smell 10440 Profit had prompted you, and love as well, 10441 The world would benefit at last by you 10442 And wealthy malefactors weep anew -- 10443 Your favor for a moment's space denied 10444 And to the nobler object turned aside. 10445 Is't not enough that thrifty millionaires 10446 Who loot in freight and spoliate in fares, 10447 Or, cursed with consciences that bid them fly 10448 To safer villainies of darker dye, 10449 Forswearing robbery and fain, instead, 10450 To steal (they call it "cornering") our bread 10451 May see you groveling their boots to lick 10452 And begging for the favor of a kick? 10453 Still must you follow to the bitter end 10454 Your sycophantic disposition's trend, 10455 And in your eagerness to please the rich 10456 Hunt hungry sinners to their final ditch? 10457 In Morgan's praise you smite the sounding wire, 10458 And sing hosannas to great Havemeyher! 10459 What's Satan done that him you should eschew? 10460 He too is reeking rich -- deducting _you_. 10461 10462 10463** SYLLOGISM 10464 10465SYLLOGISM, n. A logical formula consisting of a major and a minor 10466assumption and an inconsequent. (See LOGIC.) 10467 10468 10469** SYLPH 10470 10471SYLPH, n. An immaterial but visible being that inhabited the air when 10472the air was an element and before it was fatally polluted with factory 10473smoke, sewer gas and similar products of civilization. Sylphs were 10474allied to gnomes, nymphs and salamanders, which dwelt, respectively, 10475in earth, water and fire, all now insalubrious. Sylphs, like fowls of 10476the air, were male and female, to no purpose, apparently, for if they 10477had progeny they must have nested in accessible places, none of the 10478chicks having ever been seen. 10479 10480 10481** SYMBOL 10482 10483SYMBOL, n. Something that is supposed to typify or stand for 10484something else. Many symbols are mere "survivals" -- things which 10485having no longer any utility continue to exist because we have 10486inherited the tendency to make them; as funereal urns carved on 10487memorial monuments. They were once real urns holding the ashes of the 10488dead. We cannot stop making them, but we can give them a name that 10489conceals our helplessness. 10490 10491 10492** SYMBOLIC 10493 10494SYMBOLIC, adj. Pertaining to symbols and the use and interpretation 10495of symbols. 10496 10497 They say 'tis conscience feels compunction; 10498 I hold that that's the stomach's function, 10499 For of the sinner I have noted 10500 That when he's sinned he's somewhat bloated, 10501 Or ill some other ghastly fashion 10502 Within that bowel of compassion. 10503 True, I believe the only sinner 10504 Is he that eats a shabby dinner. 10505 You know how Adam with good reason, 10506 For eating apples out of season, 10507 Was "cursed." But that is all symbolic: 10508 The truth is, Adam had the colic. 10509 G.J. 10510 10511 10512 T 10513 10514 10515** T 10516 10517T, the twentieth letter of the English alphabet, was by the Greeks 10518absurdly called _tau_. In the alphabet whence ours comes it had the 10519form of the rude corkscrew of the period, and when it stood alone 10520(which was more than the Phoenicians could always do) signified 10521_Tallegal_, translated by the learned Dr. Brownrigg, "tanglefoot." 10522 10523 10524** TABLE D'HOTE 10525 10526TABLE D'HOTE, n. A caterer's thrifty concession to the universal 10527passion for irresponsibility. 10528 10529 Old Paunchinello, freshly wed, 10530 Took Madam P. to table, 10531 And there deliriously fed 10532 As fast as he was able. 10533 10534 "I dote upon good grub," he cried, 10535 Intent upon its throatage. 10536 "Ah, yes," said the neglected bride, 10537 "You're in your _table d'hotage_." 10538 Associated Poets 10539 10540 10541** TAIL 10542 10543TAIL, n. The part of an animal's spine that has transcended its 10544natural limitations to set up an independent existence in a world of 10545its own. Excepting in its foetal state, Man is without a tail, a 10546privation of which he attests an hereditary and uneasy consciousness 10547by the coat-skirt of the male and the train of the female, and by a 10548marked tendency to ornament that part of his attire where the tail 10549should be, and indubitably once was. This tendency is most observable 10550in the female of the species, in whom the ancestral sense is strong 10551and persistent. The tailed men described by Lord Monboddo are now 10552generally regarded as a product of an imagination unusually 10553susceptible to influences generated in the golden age of our pithecan 10554past. 10555 10556 10557** TAKE 10558 10559TAKE, v.t. To acquire, frequently by force but preferably by stealth. 10560 10561 10562** TALK 10563 10564TALK, v.t. To commit an indiscretion without temptation, from an 10565impulse without purpose. 10566 10567 10568** TARIFF 10569 10570TARIFF, n. A scale of taxes on imports, designed to protect the 10571domestic producer against the greed of his consumer. 10572 10573 The Enemy of Human Souls 10574 Sat grieving at the cost of coals; 10575 For Hell had been annexed of late, 10576 And was a sovereign Southern State. 10577 10578 "It were no more than right," said he, 10579 "That I should get my fuel free. 10580 The duty, neither just nor wise, 10581 Compels me to economize -- 10582 Whereby my broilers, every one, 10583 Are execrably underdone. 10584 What would they have? -- although I yearn 10585 To do them nicely to a turn, 10586 I can't afford an honest heat. 10587 This tariff makes even devils cheat! 10588 I'm ruined, and my humble trade 10589 All rascals may at will invade: 10590 Beneath my nose the public press 10591 Outdoes me in sulphureousness; 10592 The bar ingeniously applies 10593 To my undoing my own lies; 10594 My medicines the doctors use 10595 (Albeit vainly) to refuse 10596 To me my fair and rightful prey 10597 And keep their own in shape to pay; 10598 The preachers by example teach 10599 What, scorning to perform, I teach; 10600 And statesmen, aping me, all make 10601 More promises than they can break. 10602 Against such competition I 10603 Lift up a disregarded cry. 10604 Since all ignore my just complaint, 10605 By Hokey-Pokey! I'll turn saint!" 10606 Now, the Republicans, who all 10607 Are saints, began at once to bawl 10608 Against _his_ competition; so 10609 There was a devil of a go! 10610 They locked horns with him, tete-a-tete 10611 In acrimonious debate, 10612 Till Democrats, forlorn and lone, 10613 Had hopes of coming by their own. 10614 That evil to avert, in haste 10615 The two belligerents embraced; 10616 But since 'twere wicked to relax 10617 A tittle of the Sacred Tax, 10618 'Twas finally agreed to grant 10619 The bold Insurgent-protestant 10620 A bounty on each soul that fell 10621 Into his ineffectual Hell. 10622 Edam Smith 10623 10624 10625** TECHNICALITY 10626 10627TECHNICALITY, n. In an English court a man named Home was tried for 10628slander in having accused his neighbor of murder. His exact words 10629were: "Sir Thomas Holt hath taken a cleaver and stricken his cook 10630upon the head, so that one side of the head fell upon one shoulder and 10631the other side upon the other shoulder." The defendant was acquitted 10632by instruction of the court, the learned judges holding that the words 10633did not charge murder, for they did not affirm the death of the cook, 10634that being only an inference. 10635 10636 10637** TEDIUM 10638 10639TEDIUM, n. Ennui, the state or condition of one that is bored. Many 10640fanciful derivations of the word have been affirmed, but so high an 10641authority as Father Jape says that it comes from a very obvious 10642source -- the first words of the ancient Latin hymn _Te Deum 10643Laudamus_. In this apparently natural derivation there is something 10644that saddens. 10645 10646 10647** TEETOTALER 10648 10649TEETOTALER, n. One who abstains from strong drink, sometimes totally, 10650sometimes tolerably totally. 10651 10652 10653** TELEPHONE 10654 10655TELEPHONE, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the 10656advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. 10657 10658 10659** TELESCOPE 10660 10661TELESCOPE, n. A device having a relation to the eye similar to that 10662of the telephone to the ear, enabling distant objects to plague us 10663with a multitude of needless details. Luckily it is unprovided with a 10664bell summoning us to the sacrifice. 10665 10666 10667** TENACITY 10668 10669TENACITY, n. A certain quality of the human hand in its relation to 10670the coin of the realm. It attains its highest development in the hand 10671of authority and is considered a serviceable equipment for a career in 10672politics. The following illustrative lines were written of a 10673Californian gentleman in high political preferment, who has passed to 10674his accounting: 10675 10676 Of such tenacity his grip 10677 That nothing from his hand can slip. 10678 Well-buttered eels you may o'erwhelm 10679 In tubs of liquid slippery-elm 10680 In vain -- from his detaining pinch 10681 They cannot struggle half an inch! 10682 'Tis lucky that he so is planned 10683 That breath he draws not with his hand, 10684 For if he did, so great his greed 10685 He'd draw his last with eager speed. 10686 Nay, that were well, you say. Not so 10687 He'd draw but never let it go! 10688 10689 10690** THEOSOPHY 10691 10692THEOSOPHY, n. An ancient faith having all the certitude of religion 10693and all the mystery of science. The modern Theosophist holds, with 10694the Buddhists, that we live an incalculable number of times on this 10695earth, in as many several bodies, because one life is not long enough 10696for our complete spiritual development; that is, a single lifetime 10697does not suffice for us to become as wise and good as we choose to 10698wish to become. To be absolutely wise and good -- that is perfection; 10699and the Theosophist is so keen-sighted as to have observed that 10700everything desirous of improvement eventually attains perfection. 10701Less competent observers are disposed to except cats, which seem 10702neither wiser nor better than they were last year. The greatest and 10703fattest of recent Theosophists was the late Madame Blavatsky, who had 10704no cat. 10705 10706 10707** TIGHTS 10708 10709TIGHTS, n. An habiliment of the stage designed to reinforce the 10710general acclamation of the press agent with a particular publicity. 10711Public attention was once somewhat diverted from this garment to Miss 10712Lillian Russell's refusal to wear it, and many were the conjectures as 10713to her motive, the guess of Miss Pauline Hall showing a high order of 10714ingenuity and sustained reflection. It was Miss Hall's belief that 10715nature had not endowed Miss Russell with beautiful legs. This theory 10716was impossible of acceptance by the male understanding, but the 10717conception of a faulty female leg was of so prodigious originality as 10718to rank among the most brilliant feats of philosophical speculation! 10719It is strange that in all the controversy regarding Miss Russell's 10720aversion to tights no one seems to have thought to ascribe it to what 10721was known among the ancients as "modesty." The nature of that 10722sentiment is now imperfectly understood, and possibly incapable of 10723exposition with the vocabulary that remains to us. The study of lost 10724arts has, however, been recently revived and some of the arts 10725themselves recovered. This is an epoch of _renaissances_, and there 10726is ground for hope that the primitive "blush" may be dragged from its 10727hiding-place amongst the tombs of antiquity and hissed on to the 10728stage. 10729 10730 10731** TOMB 10732 10733TOMB, n. The House of Indifference. Tombs are now by common consent 10734invested with a certain sanctity, but when they have been long 10735tenanted it is considered no sin to break them open and rifle them, 10736the famous Egyptologist, Dr. Huggyns, explaining that a tomb may be 10737innocently "glened" as soon as its occupant is done "smellynge," the 10738soul being then all exhaled. This reasonable view is now generally 10739accepted by archaeologists, whereby the noble science of Curiosity has 10740been greatly dignified. 10741 10742 10743** TOPE 10744 10745TOPE, v. To tipple, booze, swill, soak, guzzle, lush, bib, or swig. 10746In the individual, toping is regarded with disesteem, but toping 10747nations are in the forefront of civilization and power. When pitted 10748against the hard-drinking Christians the absemious Mahometans go down 10749like grass before the scythe. In India one hundred thousand beef- 10750eating and brandy-and-soda guzzling Britons hold in subjection two 10751hundred and fifty million vegetarian abstainers of the same Aryan 10752race. With what an easy grace the whisky-loving American pushed the 10753temperate Spaniard out of his possessions! From the time when the 10754Berserkers ravaged all the coasts of western Europe and lay drunk in 10755every conquered port it has been the same way: everywhere the nations 10756that drink too much are observed to fight rather well and not too 10757righteously. Wherefore the estimable old ladies who abolished the 10758canteen from the American army may justly boast of having materially 10759augmented the nation's military power. 10760 10761 10762** TORTOISE 10763 10764TORTOISE, n. A creature thoughtfully created to supply occasion for 10765the following lines by the illustrious Ambat Delaso: 10766 10767 TO MY PET TORTOISE 10768 10769 My friend, you are not graceful -- not at all; 10770 Your gait's between a stagger and a sprawl. 10771 10772 Nor are you beautiful: your head's a snake's 10773 To look at, and I do not doubt it aches. 10774 10775 As to your feet, they'd make an angel weep. 10776 'Tis true you take them in whene'er you sleep. 10777 10778 No, you're not pretty, but you have, I own, 10779 A certain firmness -- mostly you're [sic] backbone. 10780 10781 Firmness and strength (you have a giant's thews) 10782 Are virtues that the great know how to use -- 10783 10784 I wish that they did not; yet, on the whole, 10785 You lack -- excuse my mentioning it -- Soul. 10786 10787 So, to be candid, unreserved and true, 10788 I'd rather you were I than I were you. 10789 10790 Perhaps, however, in a time to be, 10791 When Man's extinct, a better world may see 10792 10793 Your progeny in power and control, 10794 Due to the genesis and growth of Soul. 10795 10796 So I salute you as a reptile grand 10797 Predestined to regenerate the land. 10798 10799 Father of Possibilities, O deign 10800 To accept the homage of a dying reign! 10801 10802 In the far region of the unforeknown 10803 I dream a tortoise upon every throne. 10804 10805 I see an Emperor his head withdraw 10806 Into his carapace for fear of Law; 10807 10808 A King who carries something else than fat, 10809 Howe'er acceptably he carries that; 10810 10811 A President not strenuously bent 10812 On punishment of audible dissent -- 10813 10814 Who never shot (it were a vain attack) 10815 An armed or unarmed tortoise in the back; 10816 10817 Subject and citizens that feel no need 10818 To make the March of Mind a wild stampede; 10819 10820 All progress slow, contemplative, sedate, 10821 And "Take your time" the word, in Church and State. 10822 10823 O Tortoise, 'tis a happy, happy dream, 10824 My glorious testudinous regime! 10825 10826 I wish in Eden you'd brought this about 10827 By slouching in and chasing Adam out. 10828 10829 10830** TREE 10831 10832TREE, n. A tall vegetable intended by nature to serve as a penal 10833apparatus, though through a miscarriage of justice most trees bear 10834only a negligible fruit, or none at all. When naturally fruited, the 10835tree is a beneficient agency of civilization and an important factor 10836in public morals. In the stern West and the sensitive South its fruit 10837(white and black respectively) though not eaten, is agreeable to the 10838public taste and, though not exported, profitable to the general 10839welfare. That the legitimate relation of the tree to justice was no 10840discovery of Judge Lynch (who, indeed, conceded it no primacy over the 10841lamp-post and the bridge-girder) is made plain by the following 10842passage from Morryster, who antedated him by two centuries: 10843 10844 While in yt londe I was carried to see ye Ghogo tree, whereof 10845 I had hearde moch talk; but sayynge yt I saw naught remarkabyll in 10846 it, ye hed manne of ye villayge where it grewe made answer as 10847 followeth: 10848 "Ye tree is not nowe in fruite, but in his seasonne you shall 10849 see dependynge fr. his braunches all soch as have affroynted ye 10850 King his Majesty." 10851 And I was furder tolde yt ye worde "Ghogo" sygnifyeth in yr 10852 tong ye same as "rapscal" in our owne. 10853 _Trauvells in ye Easte_ 10854 10855 10856** TRIAL 10857 10858TRIAL, n. A formal inquiry designed to prove and put upon record the 10859blameless characters of judges, advocates and jurors. In order to 10860effect this purpose it is necessary to supply a contrast in the person 10861of one who is called the defendant, the prisoner, or the accused. If 10862the contrast is made sufficiently clear this person is made to undergo 10863such an affliction as will give the virtuous gentlemen a comfortable 10864sense of their immunity, added to that of their worth. In our day the 10865accused is usually a human being, or a socialist, but in mediaeval 10866times, animals, fishes, reptiles and insects were brought to trial. A 10867beast that had taken human life, or practiced sorcery, was duly 10868arrested, tried and, if condemned, put to death by the public 10869executioner. Insects ravaging grain fields, orchards or vineyards 10870were cited to appeal by counsel before a civil tribunal, and after 10871testimony, argument and condemnation, if they continued _in 10872contumaciam_ the matter was taken to a high ecclesiastical court, 10873where they were solemnly excommunicated and anathematized. In a 10874street of Toledo, some pigs that had wickedly run between the 10875viceroy's legs, upsetting him, were arrested on a warrant, tried and 10876punished. In Naples and ass was condemned to be burned at the stake, 10877but the sentence appears not to have been executed. D'Addosio relates 10878from the court records many trials of pigs, bulls, horses, cocks, 10879dogs, goats, etc., greatly, it is believed, to the betterment of their 10880conduct and morals. In 1451 a suit was brought against the leeches 10881infesting some ponds about Berne, and the Bishop of Lausanne, 10882instructed by the faculty of Heidelberg University, directed that some 10883of "the aquatic worms" be brought before the local magistracy. This 10884was done and the leeches, both present and absent, were ordered to 10885leave the places that they had infested within three days on pain of 10886incurring "the malediction of God." In the voluminous records of this 10887_cause celebre_ nothing is found to show whether the offenders braved 10888the punishment, or departed forthwith out of that inhospitable 10889jurisdiction. 10890 10891 10892** TRICHINOSIS 10893 10894TRICHINOSIS, n. The pig's reply to proponents of porcophagy. 10895 Moses Mendlessohn having fallen ill sent for a Christian 10896physician, who at once diagnosed the philosopher's disorder as 10897trichinosis, but tactfully gave it another name. "You need and 10898immediate change of diet," he said; "you must eat six ounces of pork 10899every other day." 10900 "Pork?" shrieked the patient -- "pork? Nothing shall induce me to 10901touch it!" 10902 "Do you mean that?" the doctor gravely asked. 10903 "I swear it!" 10904 "Good! -- then I will undertake to cure you." 10905 10906 10907** TRINITY 10908 10909TRINITY, n. In the multiplex theism of certain Christian churches, 10910three entirely distinct deities consistent with only one. Subordinate 10911deities of the polytheistic faith, such as devils and angels, are not 10912dowered with the power of combination, and must urge individually 10913their clames to adoration and propitiation. The Trinity is one of the 10914most sublime mysteries of our holy religion. In rejecting it because 10915it is incomprehensible, Unitarians betray their inadequate sense of 10916theological fundamentals. In religion we believe only what we do not 10917understand, except in the instance of an intelligible doctrine that 10918contradicts an incomprehensible one. In that case we believe the 10919former as a part of the latter. 10920 10921 10922** TROGLODYTE 10923 10924TROGLODYTE, n. Specifically, a cave-dweller of the paleolithic 10925period, after the Tree and before the Flat. A famous community of 10926troglodytes dwelt with David in the Cave of Adullam. The colony 10927consisted of "every one that was in distress, and every one that was 10928in debt, and every one that was discontented" -- in brief, all the 10929Socialists of Judah. 10930 10931 10932** TRUCE 10933 10934TRUCE, n. Friendship. 10935 10936 10937** TRUTH 10938 10939TRUTH, n. An ingenious compound of desirability and appearance. 10940Discovery of truth is the sole purpose of philosophy, which is the 10941most ancient occupation of the human mind and has a fair prospect of 10942existing with increasing activity to the end of time. 10943 10944 10945** TRUTHFUL 10946 10947TRUTHFUL, adj. Dumb and illiterate. 10948 10949 10950** TRUST 10951 10952TRUST, n. In American politics, a large corporation composed in 10953greater part of thrifty working men, widows of small means, orphans in 10954the care of guardians and the courts, with many similar malefactors 10955and public enemies. 10956 10957 10958** TURKEY 10959 10960TURKEY, n. A large bird whose flesh when eaten on certain religious 10961anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and 10962gratitude. Incidentally, it is pretty good eating. 10963 10964 10965** TWICE 10966 10967TWICE, adv. Once too often. 10968 10969 10970** TYPE 10971 10972TYPE, n. Pestilent bits of metal suspected of destroying 10973civilization and enlightenment, despite their obvious agency in this 10974incomparable dictionary. 10975 10976 10977** TZETZE 10978 10979TZETZE (or TSETSE) FLY, n. An African insect (_Glossina morsitans_) 10980whose bite is commonly regarded as nature's most efficacious remedy 10981for insomnia, though some patients prefer that of the American 10982novelist (_Mendax interminabilis_). 10983 10984 10985 U 10986 10987 10988 10989** UBIQUITY 10990 10991UBIQUITY, n. The gift or power of being in all places at one time, 10992but not in all places at all times, which is omnipresence, an 10993attribute of God and the luminiferous ether only. This important 10994distinction between ubiquity and omnipresence was not clear to the 10995mediaeval Church and there was much bloodshed about it. Certain 10996Lutherans, who affirmed the presence everywhere of Christ's body were 10997known as Ubiquitarians. For this error they were doubtless damned, 10998for Christ's body is present only in the eucharist, though that 10999sacrament may be performed in more than one place simultaneously. In 11000recent times ubiquity has not always been understood -- not even by 11001Sir Boyle Roche, for example, who held that a man cannot be in two 11002places at once unless he is a bird. 11003 11004 11005** UGLINESS 11006 11007UGLINESS, n. A gift of the gods to certain women, entailing virtue 11008without humility. 11009 11010 11011** ULTIMATUM 11012 11013ULTIMATUM, n. In diplomacy, a last demand before resorting to 11014concessions. 11015 Having received an ultimatum from Austria, the Turkish Ministry 11016met to consider it. 11017 "O servant of the Prophet," said the Sheik of the Imperial Chibouk 11018to the Mamoosh of the Invincible Army, "how many unconquerable 11019soldiers have we in arms?" 11020 "Upholder of the Faith," that dignitary replied after examining 11021his memoranda, "they are in numbers as the leaves of the forest!" 11022 "And how many impenetrable battleships strike terror to the hearts 11023of all Christian swine?" he asked the Imaum of the Ever Victorious 11024Navy. 11025 "Uncle of the Full Moon," was the reply, "deign to know that they 11026are as the waves of the ocean, the sands of the desert and the stars 11027of Heaven!" 11028 For eight hours the broad brow of the Sheik of the Imperial 11029Chibouk was corrugated with evidences of deep thought: he was 11030calculating the chances of war. Then, "Sons of angels," he said, "the 11031die is cast! I shall suggest to the Ulema of the Imperial Ear that he 11032advise inaction. In the name of Allah, the council is adjourned." 11033 11034 11035** UN-AMERICAN 11036 11037UN-AMERICAN, adj. Wicked, intolerable, heathenish. 11038 11039 11040** UNCTION 11041 11042UNCTION, n. An oiling, or greasing. The rite of extreme unction 11043consists in touching with oil consecrated by a bishop several parts of 11044the body of one engaged in dying. Marbury relates that after the rite 11045had been administered to a certain wicked English nobleman it was 11046discovered that the oil had not been properly consecrated and no other 11047could be obtained. When informed of this the sick man said in anger: 11048"Then I'll be damned if I die!" 11049 "My son," said the priest, "this is what we fear." 11050 11051 11052** UNDERSTANDING 11053 11054UNDERSTANDING, n. A cerebral secretion that enables one having it to 11055know a house from a horse by the roof on the house. Its nature and 11056laws have been exhaustively expounded by Locke, who rode a house, and 11057Kant, who lived in a horse. 11058 11059 His understanding was so keen 11060 That all things which he'd felt, heard, seen, 11061 He could interpret without fail 11062 If he was in or out of jail. 11063 He wrote at Inspiration's call 11064 Deep disquisitions on them all, 11065 Then, pent at last in an asylum, 11066 Performed the service to compile 'em. 11067 So great a writer, all men swore, 11068 They never had not read before. 11069 Jorrock Wormley 11070 11071 11072** UNITARIAN 11073 11074UNITARIAN, n. One who denies the divinity of a Trinitarian. 11075 11076 11077** UNIVERSALIST 11078 11079UNIVERSALIST, n. One who forgoes the advantage of a Hell for persons 11080of another faith. 11081 11082 11083** URBANITY 11084 11085URBANITY, n. The kind of civility that urban observers ascribe to 11086dwellers in all cities but New York. Its commonest expression is 11087heard in the words, "I beg your pardon," and it is not consistent with 11088disregard of the rights of others. 11089 11090 The owner of a powder mill 11091 Was musing on a distant hill -- 11092 Something his mind foreboded -- 11093 When from the cloudless sky there fell 11094 A deviled human kidney! Well, 11095 The man's mill had exploded. 11096 His hat he lifted from his head; 11097 "I beg your pardon, sir," he said; 11098 "I didn't know 'twas loaded." 11099 Swatkin 11100 11101 11102** USAGE 11103 11104USAGE, n. The First Person of the literary Trinity, the Second and 11105Third being Custom and Conventionality. Imbued with a decent 11106reverence for this Holy Triad an industrious writer may hope to 11107produce books that will live as long as the fashion. 11108 11109 11110** UXORIOUSNESS 11111 11112UXORIOUSNESS, n. A perverted affection that has strayed to one's own 11113wife. 11114 11115 11116 V 11117 11118 11119 11120** VALOR 11121 11122VALOR, n. A soldierly compound of vanity, duty and the gambler's 11123hope. 11124 "Why have you halted?" roared the commander of a division and 11125Chickamauga, who had ordered a charge; "move forward, sir, at once." 11126 "General," said the commander of the delinquent brigade, "I am 11127persuaded that any further display of valor by my troops will bring 11128them into collision with the enemy." 11129 11130 11131** VANITY 11132 11133VANITY, n. The tribute of a fool to the worth of the nearest ass. 11134 11135 They say that hens do cackle loudest when 11136 There's nothing vital in the eggs they've laid; 11137 And there are hens, professing to have made 11138 A study of mankind, who say that men 11139 Whose business 'tis to drive the tongue or pen 11140 Make the most clamorous fanfaronade 11141 O'er their most worthless work; and I'm afraid 11142 They're not entirely different from the hen. 11143 Lo! the drum-major in his coat of gold, 11144 His blazing breeches and high-towering cap -- 11145 Imperiously pompous, grandly bold, 11146 Grim, resolute, an awe-inspiring chap! 11147 Who'd think this gorgeous creature's only virtue 11148 Is that in battle he will never hurt you? 11149 Hannibal Hunsiker 11150 11151 11152** VIRTUES 11153 11154VIRTUES, n.pl. Certain abstentions. 11155 11156 11157** VITUPERATION 11158 11159VITUPERATION, n. Saite, as understood by dunces and all such as 11160suffer from an impediment in their wit. 11161 11162 11163** VOTE 11164 11165VOTE, n. The instrument and symbol of a freeman's power to make a 11166fool of himself and a wreck of his country. 11167 11168 11169 W 11170 11171 11172** W 11173 11174W (double U) has, of all the letters in our alphabet, the only 11175cumbrous name, the names of the others being monosyllabic. This 11176advantage of the Roman alphabet over the Grecian is the more valued 11177after audibly spelling out some simple Greek word, like 11178_epixoriambikos_. Still, it is now thought by the learned that other 11179agencies than the difference of the two alphabets may have been 11180concerned in the decline of "the glory that was Greece" and the rise 11181of "the grandeur that was Rome." There can be no doubt, however, that 11182by simplifying the name of W (calling it "wow," for example) our 11183civilization could be, if not promoted, at least better endured. 11184 11185 11186** WALL STREET 11187 11188WALL STREET, n. A symbol for sin for every devil to rebuke. That 11189Wall Street is a den of thieves is a belief that serves every 11190unsuccessful thief in place of a hope in Heaven. Even the great and 11191good Andrew Carnegie has made his profession of faith in the matter. 11192 11193 Carnegie the dauntless has uttered his call 11194 To battle: "The brokers are parasites all!" 11195 Carnegie, Carnegie, you'll never prevail; 11196 Keep the wind of your slogan to belly your sail, 11197 Go back to your isle of perpetual brume, 11198 Silence your pibroch, doff tartan and plume: 11199 Ben Lomond is calling his son from the fray -- 11200 Fly, fly from the region of Wall Street away! 11201 While still you're possessed of a single baubee 11202 (I wish it were pledged to endowment of me) 11203 'Twere wise to retreat from the wars of finance 11204 Lest its value decline ere your credit advance. 11205 For a man 'twixt a king of finance and the sea, 11206 Carnegie, Carnegie, your tongue is too free! 11207 Anonymus Bink 11208 11209 11210** WAR 11211 11212WAR, n. A by-product of the arts of peace. The most menacing 11213political condition is a period of international amity. The student 11214of history who has not been taught to expect the unexpected may justly 11215boast himself inaccessible to the light. "In time of peace prepare 11216for war" has a deeper meaning than is commonly discerned; it means, 11217not merely that all things earthly have an end -- that change is the 11218one immutable and eternal law -- but that the soil of peace is thickly 11219sown with the seeds of war and singularly suited to their germination 11220and growth. It was when Kubla Khan had decreed his "stately pleasure 11221dome" -- when, that is to say, there were peace and fat feasting in 11222Xanadu -- that he 11223 11224 heard from afar 11225 Ancestral voices prophesying war. 11226 11227 One of the greatest of poets, Coleridge was one of the wisest of 11228men, and it was not for nothing that he read us this parable. Let us 11229have a little less of "hands across the sea," and a little more of 11230that elemental distrust that is the security of nations. War loves to 11231come like a thief in the night; professions of eternal amity provide 11232the night. 11233 11234 11235** WASHINGTONIAN 11236 11237WASHINGTONIAN, n. A Potomac tribesman who exchanged the privilege of 11238governing himself for the advantage of good government. In justice to 11239him it should be said that he did not want to. 11240 11241 They took away his vote and gave instead 11242 The right, when he had earned, to _eat_ his bread. 11243 In vain -- he clamors for his "boss," pour soul, 11244 To come again and part him from his roll. 11245 Offenbach Stutz 11246 11247 11248** WEAKNESSES 11249 11250WEAKNESSES, n.pl. Certain primal powers of Tyrant Woman wherewith she 11251holds dominion over the male of her species, binding him to the 11252service of her will and paralyzing his rebellious energies. 11253 11254 11255** WEATHER 11256 11257WEATHER, n. The climate of the hour. A permanent topic of 11258conversation among persons whom it does not interest, but who have 11259inherited the tendency to chatter about it from naked arboreal 11260ancestors whom it keenly concerned. The setting up official weather 11261bureaus and their maintenance in mendacity prove that even governments 11262are accessible to suasion by the rude forefathers of the jungle. 11263 11264 Once I dipt into the future far as human eye could see, 11265 And I saw the Chief Forecaster, dead as any one can be -- 11266 Dead and damned and shut in Hades as a liar from his birth, 11267 With a record of unreason seldom paralleled on earth. 11268 While I looked he reared him solemnly, that incadescent youth, 11269 From the coals that he'd preferred to the advantages of truth. 11270 He cast his eyes about him and above him; then he wrote 11271 On a slab of thin asbestos what I venture here to quote -- 11272 For I read it in the rose-light of the everlasting glow: 11273 "Cloudy; variable winds, with local showers; cooler; snow." 11274 Halcyon Jones 11275 11276 11277** WEDDING 11278 11279WEDDING, n. A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, 11280one undertakes to become nothing, and nothing undertakes to become 11281supportable. 11282 11283 11284** WEREWOLF 11285 11286WEREWOLF, n. A wolf that was once, or is sometimes, a man. All 11287werewolves are of evil disposition, having assumed a bestial form to 11288gratify a beastial appetite, but some, transformed by sorcery, are as 11289humane and is consistent with an acquired taste for human flesh. 11290 Some Bavarian peasants having caught a wolf one evening, tied it 11291to a post by the tail and went to bed. The next morning nothing was 11292there! Greatly perplexed, they consulted the local priest, who told 11293them that their captive was undoubtedly a werewolf and had resumed its 11294human for during the night. "The next time that you take a wolf," the 11295good man said, "see that you chain it by the leg, and in the morning 11296you will find a Lutheran." 11297 11298 11299** WHANGDEPOOTENAWAH 11300 11301WHANGDEPOOTENAWAH, n. In the Ojibwa tongue, disaster; an unexpected 11302affliction that strikes hard. 11303 11304 Should you ask me whence this laughter, 11305 Whence this audible big-smiling, 11306 With its labial extension, 11307 With its maxillar distortion 11308 And its diaphragmic rhythmus 11309 Like the billowing of an ocean, 11310 Like the shaking of a carpet, 11311 I should answer, I should tell you: 11312 From the great deeps of the spirit, 11313 From the unplummeted abysmus 11314 Of the soul this laughter welleth 11315 As the fountain, the gug-guggle, 11316 Like the river from the canon [sic], 11317 To entoken and give warning 11318 That my present mood is sunny. 11319 Should you ask me further question -- 11320 Why the great deeps of the spirit, 11321 Why the unplummeted abysmus 11322 Of the soule extrudes this laughter, 11323 This all audible big-smiling, 11324 I should answer, I should tell you 11325 With a white heart, tumpitumpy, 11326 With a true tongue, honest Injun: 11327 William Bryan, he has Caught It, 11328 Caught the Whangdepootenawah! 11329 11330 Is't the sandhill crane, the shankank, 11331 Standing in the marsh, the kneedeep, 11332 Standing silent in the kneedeep 11333 With his wing-tips crossed behind him 11334 And his neck close-reefed before him, 11335 With his bill, his william, buried 11336 In the down upon his bosom, 11337 With his head retracted inly, 11338 While his shoulders overlook it? 11339 Does the sandhill crane, the shankank, 11340 Shiver grayly in the north wind, 11341 Wishing he had died when little, 11342 As the sparrow, the chipchip, does? 11343 No 'tis not the Shankank standing, 11344 Standing in the gray and dismal 11345 Marsh, the gray and dismal kneedeep. 11346 No, 'tis peerless William Bryan 11347 Realizing that he's Caught It, 11348 Caught the Whangdepootenawah! 11349 11350 11351** WHEAT 11352 11353WHEAT, n. A cereal from which a tolerably good whisky can with some 11354difficulty be made, and which is used also for bread. The French are 11355said to eat more bread _per capita_ of population than any other 11356people, which is natural, for only they know how to make the stuff 11357palatable. 11358 11359 11360** WHITE 11361 11362WHITE, adj. and n. Black. 11363 11364 11365** WIDOW 11366 11367WIDOW, n. A pathetic figure that the Christian world has agreed to 11368take humorously, although Christ's tenderness towards widows was one 11369of the most marked features of his character. 11370 11371 11372** WINE 11373 11374WINE, n. Fermented grape-juice known to the Women's Christian Union 11375as "liquor," sometimes as "rum." Wine, madam, is God's next best gift 11376to man. 11377 11378 11379** WIT 11380 11381WIT, n. The salt with which the American humorist spoils his 11382intellectual cookery by leaving it out. 11383 11384 11385** WITCH 11386 11387WITCH, n. (1) Any ugly and repulsive old woman, in a wicked league 11388with the devil. (2) A beautiful and attractive young woman, in 11389wickedness a league beyond the devil. 11390 11391 11392** WITTICISM 11393 11394WITTICISM, n. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted, and seldom 11395noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a "joke." 11396 11397 11398** WOMAN 11399 11400WOMAN, n. 11401 11402 An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and having a 11403 rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. It is credited by 11404 many of the elder zoologists with a certain vestigial docility 11405 acquired in a former state of seclusion, but naturalists of the 11406 postsusananthony period, having no knowledge of the seclusion, 11407 deny the virtue and declare that such as creation's dawn beheld, 11408 it roareth now. The species is the most widely distributed of all 11409 beasts of prey, infesting all habitable parts of the globe, from 11410 Greeland's spicy mountains to India's moral strand. The popular 11411 name (wolfman) is incorrect, for the creature is of the cat kind. 11412 The woman is lithe and graceful in its movement, especially the 11413 American variety (_felis pugnans_), is omnivorous and can be 11414 taught not to talk. 11415 Balthasar Pober 11416 11417 11418** WORMS'-MEAT 11419 11420WORMS'-MEAT, n. The finished product of which we are the raw 11421material. The contents of the Taj Mahal, the Tombeau Napoleon and the 11422Granitarium. Worms'-meat is usually outlasted by the structure that 11423houses it, but "this too must pass away." Probably the silliest work 11424in which a human being can engage is construction of a tomb for 11425himself. The solemn purpose cannot dignify, but only accentuates by 11426contrast the foreknown futility. 11427 11428 Ambitious fool! so mad to be a show! 11429 How profitless the labor you bestow 11430 Upon a dwelling whose magnificence 11431 The tenant neither can admire nor know. 11432 11433 Build deep, build high, build massive as you can, 11434 The wanton grass-roots will defeat the plan 11435 By shouldering asunder all the stones 11436 In what to you would be a moment's span. 11437 11438 Time to the dead so all unreckoned flies 11439 That when your marble is all dust, arise, 11440 If wakened, stretch your limbs and yawn -- 11441 You'll think you scarcely can have closed your eyes. 11442 11443 What though of all man's works your tomb alone 11444 Should stand till Time himself be overthrown? 11445 Would it advantage you to dwell therein 11446 Forever as a stain upon a stone? 11447 Joel Huck 11448 11449 11450** WORSHIP 11451 11452WORSHIP, n. Homo Creator's testimony to the sound construction and 11453fine finish of Deus Creatus. A popular form of abjection, having an 11454element of pride. 11455 11456 11457** WRATH 11458 11459WRATH, n. Anger of a superior quality and degree, appropriate to 11460exalted characters and momentous occasions; as, "the wrath of God," 11461"the day of wrath," etc. Amongst the ancients the wrath of kings was 11462deemed sacred, for it could usually command the agency of some god for 11463its fit manifestation, as could also that of a priest. The Greeks 11464before Troy were so harried by Apollo that they jumped out of the 11465frying-pan of the wrath of Cryses into the fire of the wrath of 11466Achilles, though Agamemnon, the sole offender, was neither fried nor 11467roasted. A similar noted immunity was that of David when he incurred 11468the wrath of Yahveh by numbering his people, seventy thousand of whom 11469paid the penalty with their lives. God is now Love, and a director of 11470the census performs his work without apprehension of disaster. 11471 11472 11473 X 11474 11475 11476** X 11477 11478X in our alphabet being a needless letter has an added invincibility 11479to the attacks of the spelling reformers, and like them, will 11480doubtless last as long as the language. X is the sacred symbol of ten 11481dollars, and in such words as Xmas, Xn, etc., stands for Christ, not, 11482as is popular supposed, because it represents a cross, but because the 11483corresponding letter in the Greek alphabet is the initial of his name 11484-- _Xristos_. If it represented a cross it would stand for St. 11485Andrew, who "testified" upon one of that shape. In the algebra of 11486psychology x stands for Woman's mind. Words beginning with X are 11487Grecian and will not be defined in this standard English dictionary. 11488 11489 11490 Y 11491 11492 11493 11494** YANKEE 11495 11496YANKEE, n. In Europe, an American. In the Northern States of our 11497Union, a New Englander. In the Southern States the word is unknown. 11498(See DAMNYANK.) 11499 11500 11501** YEAR 11502 11503YEAR, n. A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. 11504 11505 11506** YESTERDAY 11507 11508YESTERDAY, n. The infancy of youth, the youth of manhood, the entire 11509past of age. 11510 11511 But yesterday I should have thought me blest 11512 To stand high-pinnacled upon the peak 11513 Of middle life and look adown the bleak 11514 And unfamiliar foreslope to the West, 11515 Where solemn shadows all the land invest 11516 And stilly voices, half-remembered, speak 11517 Unfinished prophecy, and witch-fires freak 11518 The haunted twilight of the Dark of Rest. 11519 Yea, yesterday my soul was all aflame 11520 To stay the shadow on the dial's face 11521 At manhood's noonmark! Now, in God His name 11522 I chide aloud the little interspace 11523 Disparting me from Certitude, and fain 11524 Would know the dream and vision ne'er again. 11525 Baruch Arnegriff 11526 11527 It is said that in his last illness the poet Arnegriff was 11528attended at different times by seven doctors. 11529 11530 11531** YOKE 11532 11533YOKE, n. An implement, madam, to whose Latin name, _jugum_, we owe 11534one of the most illuminating words in our language -- a word that 11535defines the matrimonial situation with precision, point and poignancy. 11536 11537A thousand apologies for withholding it. 11538 11539 11540** YOUTH 11541 11542YOUTH, n. The Period of Possibility, when Archimedes finds a fulcrum, 11543Cassandra has a following and seven cities compete for the honor of 11544endowing a living Homer. 11545 11546 Youth is the true Saturnian Reign, the Golden Age on earth 11547 again, when figs are grown on thistles, and pigs betailed with 11548 whistles and, wearing silken bristles, live ever in clover, and 11549 clows fly over, delivering milk at every door, and Justice never 11550 is heard to snore, and every assassin is made a ghost and, 11551 howling, is cast into Baltimost! 11552 Polydore Smith 11553 11554 11555 Z 11556 11557 11558 11559** ZANY 11560 11561ZANY, n. A popular character in old Italian plays, who imitated with 11562ludicrous incompetence the _buffone_, or clown, and was therefore the 11563ape of an ape; for the clown himself imitated the serious characters 11564of the play. The zany was progenitor to the specialist in humor, as 11565we to-day have the unhappiness to know him. In the zany we see an 11566example of creation; in the humorist, of transmission. Another 11567excellent specimen of the modern zany is the curate, who apes the 11568rector, who apes the bishop, who apes the archbishop, who apes the 11569devil. 11570 11571 11572** ZANZIBARI 11573 11574ZANZIBARI, n. An inhabitant of the Sultanate of Zanzibar, off the 11575eastern coast of Africa. The Zanzibaris, a warlike people, are best 11576known in this country through a threatening diplomatic incident that 11577occurred a few years ago. The American consul at the capital occupied 11578a dwelling that faced the sea, with a sandy beach between. Greatly to 11579the scandal of this official's family, and against repeated 11580remonstrances of the official himself, the people of the city 11581persisted in using the beach for bathing. One day a woman came down 11582to the edge of the water and was stooping to remove her attire (a pair 11583of sandals) when the consul, incensed beyond restraint, fired a charge 11584of bird-shot into the most conspicuous part of her person. 11585Unfortunately for the existing _entente cordiale_ between two great 11586nations, she was the Sultana. 11587 11588 11589** ZEAL 11590 11591ZEAL, n. A certain nervous disorder afflicting the young and 11592inexperienced. A passion that goeth before a sprawl. 11593 11594 When Zeal sought Gratitude for his reward 11595 He went away exclaiming: "O my Lord!" 11596 "What do you want?" the Lord asked, bending down. 11597 "An ointment for my cracked and bleeding crown." 11598 Jum Coople 11599 11600 11601** ZENITH 11602 11603ZENITH, n. The point in the heavens directly overhead to a man 11604standing or a growing cabbage. A man in bed or a cabbage in the pot 11605is not considered as having a zenith, though from this view of the 11606matter there was once a considerably dissent among the learned, some 11607holding that the posture of the body was immaterial. These were 11608called Horizontalists, their opponents, Verticalists. The 11609Horizontalist heresy was finally extinguished by Xanobus, the 11610philosopher-king of Abara, a zealous Verticalist. Entering an 11611assembly of philosophers who were debating the matter, he cast a 11612severed human head at the feet of his opponents and asked them to 11613determine its zenith, explaining that its body was hanging by the 11614heels outside. Observing that it was the head of their leader, the 11615Horizontalists hastened to profess themselves converted to whatever 11616opinion the Crown might be pleased to hold, and Horizontalism took its 11617place among _fides defuncti_. 11618 11619 11620** ZEUS 11621 11622ZEUS, n. The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as Jupiter 11623and by the modern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog. Some explorers 11624who have touched upon the shores of America, and one who professes to 11625have penetrated a considerable distance to the interior, have thought 11626that these four names stand for as many distinct deities, but in his 11627monumental work on Surviving Faiths, Frumpp insists that the natives 11628are monotheists, each having no other god than himself, whom he 11629worships under many sacred names. 11630 11631 11632** ZIGZAG 11633 11634ZIGZAG, v.t. To move forward uncertainly, from side to side, as one 11635carrying the white man's burden. (From _zed_, _z_, and _jag_, an 11636Icelandic word of unknown meaning.) 11637 11638 He zedjagged so uncomen wyde 11639 Thet non coude pas on eyder syde; 11640 So, to com saufly thruh, I been 11641 Constreynet for to doodge betwene. 11642 Munwele 11643 11644 11645** ZOOLOGY 11646 11647ZOOLOGY, n. The science and history of the animal kingdom, including 11648its king, the House Fly (_Musca maledicta_). The father of Zoology 11649was Aristotle, as is universally conceded, but the name of its mother 11650has not come down to us. Two of the science's most illustrious 11651expounders were Buffon and Oliver Goldsmith, from both of whom we 11652learn (_L'Histoire generale des animaux_ and _A History of Animated 11653Nature_) that the domestic cow sheds its horn every two years. 11654 11655* END 11656 11657 -)(- 11658 11659 11660 11661Local Variables: 11662mode: outline 11663paragraph-separate: "[ ]*$" 11664version-control: never 11665End: 11666 11667 11668