1This fortune brought to you by: 2 The DragonFly BSD Project 3% 4 MOUNTIES: 5I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, He's a lumberjack and he's OK, 6I sleep all night and I work all day. He sleeps all night and he works 7 all day. 8 9I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch, 10I go to the lavatory. He goes to the lavatory. 11On Wednesday I go shopping, On Wednesday he goes shopping, 12And have buttered scones for tea. And has buttered scones for tea. 13 14I cut down trees, I skip and jump, He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, 15I like to press wild flowers, He likes to press wild flowers. 16I put on women's clothing, He puts on women's clothing, 17And hang around in bars. And hangs around in bars. 18 19I cut down trees, I wear high heels, He cuts down trees, he wears high heels, 20Suspenders and a bra. Suspenders? and a bra? 21I wish I'd been a girlie, That's rude... 22Just like my dear Pappa. 23% 24 FROM THE DESK OF 25 Snow White 26 27Dear Snow White: 28 29 Thanks for last night. 30 31 Sleepy, Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Happy, Dopey, Bashful 32% 33 LEPROSY 34Leprosy, all my skin is falling off of me. 35I'm not half the man I used to be. 36Oh, how did I get leprosy? 37 38Syphilis, it all started with a simple kiss. 39Now it even hurts to take a piss. 40Oh why did I get syphilis? 41 42Why'd she have VD? I don't know, she wouldn't say. 43I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday ... 44 -- To the tune of "Yesterday" 45% 46 My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things] 47Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers 48Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars 49Reds and peyote to work out your bugs 50These are a few of my favorite drugs. 51 52Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout 53Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out 54Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs 55These are a few of my favorite drugs. 56 57Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys 58Users of heroin, often called junkies 59Methadone helps then to stop being thugs 60Takes them off one of my favorite drugs. 61 62 On a bad trip 63 When the cops come 64 When I lose my head 65 I simply take more of my favorite drugs 66 And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead! 67% 68 NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY: 69"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on a 70short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her 71promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of 72our "Big John" doll.) 73% 74 THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF 75 76An amalgamation of the Creation Science Research Foundation and the Flat Earth 77Society, The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all 78who do not allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs. 79In addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the following 80beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as correct Church dogma: 81 82 --That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from 83 which UFOs come. 84 --That pi equals precisely 3.000. 85 --That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully 86 squared the circle. 87 --That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job. 88 89Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being studied, 90including Reaganomics and that the moon landings were done in a Hollywood 91special effects studio. These will be the subject of some forthcoming Papal 92Bull. 93% 94 The Snack 95Oh my God, screamed Mommy, You went and ate the Baby. 96 97What baby? asked Daddy. You know that's just the last of the leftover donkey. 98 99Donkey, my ass! said Mommy with some sentience. Do you think I don't 100 recognize my own baby? Why I can still see his little privates 101 caught in the gap between your front teeth. How many times have 102 I told you to take only what's on the *top* two shelves of the freezer? 103 104But there wasn't a thing to eat, cried Daddy. 105 And am I not the master of my own? 106 107Nothing to eat? 108 What about the elephant testicles in aspic that I put up for you 109 just last week in the ball jar? Our very first baby, too, wailed 110 Mommy, that I was saving for Christmas dinner. 111 112Testicles, testicles, said Daddy. A man gets tired of testicles. 113 -- L.L. Zeiger 114% 115 ... But among the children of the Great Society there were 116those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, 117and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat ... 118 Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and 119they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my 120people go to the front of the bus." 121 But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all 122deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove 123yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like 124unto a snowball in Hell." 125 -- "The Begatting of a President" 126% 127 A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear looks 128over at the rabbit and asks, "Say, does shit ever stick to your fur?" 129 "No." 130 So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit. 131% 132 A business executive is consumed by jealousy: he suspects his wife 133of cheating on him. The suspicion grows and grows, and one morning as he 134drives to work he can't take it any more. He thinks to himself, "she 135probably just waited until I left so she could meet with her lover." 136 When he gets to his office, he calls home. The maid answers. He 137says, "Hello. Is my wife there?" 138 "Yes, sir", the maid whispers. 139 "Is she with her lover?" 140 The maid pauses, and then says, "Yes, sir, she is, and I must say 141that I feel terrible about how she treats you." 142 The man yells, "That no good **#*&!!. If you feel as badly as you 143say you do, you must do this for me: go to my dresser and get my gun. Check 144to make sure that it's loaded. Then go upstairs and shoot both that cheating 145two-timing whore and her lover. Dispose of the gun, and then come back to 146the phone and tell me that it's over. Don't worry -- I'll protect you." 147The man hears footsteps, a drawer being opened, a click, more footsteps, 148silence... and then two shots. More footsteps. Finally the maid comes back 149to the phone and says "It's done." 150 The man asks, "What did you do with the gun?" 151 "I threw it behind the statue in the garden", the maid replies. 152 "Statue in the garden? Say, what number is this, anyway?" 153% 154 A cowboy, his horse and his dog were captured by hostile Indians. 155This wasn't really a problem for the animals as the Indians can always use 156them, but the cowboy is informed that he will be burned at the stake the 157following sunrise. That evening, the Indian chief tells the cowboy that 158he can one last wish, within reason, of course, before meeting his fate 159the following morning. The cowboy replies that all he really wants is to 160see his faithful dog, Rex, one last time. When the dog is brought by the 161Indians, the cowboy hugs his companion and whispers something into his ear. 162At once the dog runs off over the hill. Amazingly enough, a few hours later, 163he returns, accompanied by some two dozen prostitutes from a nearby town. 164Needless to say, the braves are delighted and as a reward offer the cowboy 165his dog to keep him company through the rest of the night. When the dog is 166brought forth the cowboy again runs his hand over Rex's head and then bends 167down to whisper into his ear: "This may be my last chance, Rex, so get it 168right this time -- go into town and get the posse!" 169% 170 A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did 171for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do 172all day?" 173 Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." 174 "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" 175 Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a 176mailman." 177 "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" 178 Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a 179whorehouse." 180 The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. 181Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father 182answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded 183an explanation. 184 Billy's father replied, "Well, I'm really an attorney. But how do 185you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old child?" 186% 187 A great American Olympic wrestler was receiving last-minute advice 188from his coach about the upcoming match with the Soviet Champion. 189 "This Russian guy is really good, very strong and quick. But I think 190you can take him. Remember, though, like I've told you before, don't let 191him get you in the Pretzel hold. With his strength you'd never get out." 192 The American leaps onto the mat, and within moments the two behemoths 193are going crazy, struggling to get each other pinned. The American slowly 194gains ground and appears that he might actually win on points alone, when, in 195the blink of an eye, the Russian reverses him and whips him into the fatal 196Pretzel hold. 197 The coach, off by the side, shakes his head in dismay, and sits down 198on the bench with his head between his hands. All of a sudden, there's a 199scream and the two wrestlers fly apart, the American regaining control and 200pinning the Russian. After the match, in the dressing room, the coach 201finally gets the winner alone. "Great job! But how the hell did you get out 202of the Pretzel Hold? I thought it was over for sure!" 203 "Well, I did too. I was in the hold, about to be pinned, when I saw 204this huge pair of testicles hanging right in front of my eyes. I figured 205what the hell, so I stretched forward and bit them as hard as I could. Coach, 206you just don't know your own strength 'til you've bitten your own balls!" 207% 208 A guy finishes his 9 to 5, but, instead of going straight home, stops 209in at a local bar for a drink. He gets his beer, turns around to sit down, 210and finds himself face to face with a ravishing blonde. The two strike up a 211conversation, and really hit it off. After a couple drinks they leave the bar 212go back to her pad, to peruse her etchings. Which doesn't take long -- by 213seven they were happily engaged in intimate scratching. 214 'Round about midnight the guy rolled over in bed and spotted the clock: 215"Midnight! Already! I gotta get home! Honey, you have any baby powder?" 216He jumps out of bed and starts pulling his pants on, trying to find his shoes. 217 "Baby powder?" she asks. But she comes back from the bathroom and 218hands him the powder. He frantically shakes it all over his hands, kisses her 219goodbye, and runs out the front door. 220 He gets home, and sure enough, there's his wife, waiting in the 221doorway. 222 "Okay," she mutters, "let's have it." 223 "Well," he says sheepishly, looking down at his feet. "Okay. I went 224to a bar after work and met a gorgeous blonde and we really hit it off. We 225had a few drinks and went back to her place, and well, see..." 226 "Oh yeah?" she says, "let me see your hands... Don't you lie to me! 227You've been bowling again!" 228% 229 A man came home from work and as he entered the house he yelled, 230"Hi, honey, I'm home." 231 There was no response. He walked through the house and saw a note 232on the refrigerator. It read "I'm out with the girls and I'll be home about 2338. Either fix yourself something to eat, or wait for me and we'll eat when 234I get home." 235 Well, he decided to wait until his wife returned. However, his 236stomach started to growl and he remembered that he had an apple left over 237from his lunch. He got the apple, polished it a little, and heard the 238doorbell ring. He went to the door and there stood a little blond haired 239girl holding out a little paper bag. "Trick or treat", she said. 240 He looked at the girl, looked at the apple, thought how hungry he 241was, looked at the girl again, and with a slight sigh dropped his apple in 242the bag. The little girl looked down in the bag, looked up again, and 243complained, "You stupid son-of-a-bitch. You broke my cookies!" 244% 245 A man dies and is getting his tour of heaven. His guide is pointing 246out the various features and landmarks when the man asks, "What's that cliff?" 247 "Oh, you don't want to look down there. That's hell!" 248 The man creeps up to the edge and looks over. He sees lush, green 249valleys, verdant farmland and trees everywhere. "This doesn't look so bad," 250he says. 251 Puzzled, the guide comes over and looks down. "Damn!" he snaps, 252"Those Mormons have been irrigating again!" 253% 254 A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots and 3 beers. The 255bartender, seeing that the man is distraught, asks what the problem is. 256 "I just found out that my brother is gay", he replies. 257 About a week later, the same man walks in and orders 6 shots and 2586 chasers. So the bartender inquires, "What's wrong this time?" 259 To which the man says, "I just found out that two of my brothers 260are lovers." 261 Another week goes by and the man comes back to the bar and orders 262NINE shots and NINE beers. The bartenders says "Damn, boy, doesn't anyone 263in your family like pussy?" 264 "Yeah. Me and my sister." 265% 266 A man walks into a bar and says: "I'd like a shot of twelve-year-old 267Scotch". The bartender, who figures the guy is just being obnoxious, reaches 268down under the bar and pours him a shot of bar Scotch. The man takes one sip 269and says: "Hey, bartender, I asked you for some twelve-year-old Scotch -- this 270is eight-year-old Scotch." 271 The bartender reaches behind the bar for the twelve-year-old Scotch, 272pours a shot, hands it to the man and says "I've got to hand it to you -- 273most guys who come in here asking for twelve-year-old Scotch have never even 274had it -- they're just being pricks. But you really know your Scotch -- this 275is on the house." 276 A drunk has been sitting at the other end of the bar watching this 277conversation. He walks up to the man, hands him a glass and says "Taste this." 278The man does -- and spits it out yelling, "This tastes like piss!" To which 279the drunk replies, "It is -- but how old am I?" 280% 281 A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder. He walks 282up to the bar and sits down, ordering a beer for himself and one for the 283little Leprechaun. 284 After a few beers, the Leprechaun jumps down off the guy's shoulder, 285struts down the bar and comes to a stop in front of a rather large construction 286worker. Looking the guy right in the eye, he gives him a rather large, damp, 287Bronx cheer. And trots back to sit on his buddy's shoulder. The worker is 288pretty upset, but decides to shine on this rather offensive breach of manners. 289 After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and 290walks over to his previous victim and goes "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT" again. 291Well, that's too much, and the victim knocks the Leprechaun off the bar and, 292after walking over to stand very close to the Leprechaun's escort, tells him 293in a rather overloud voice, that if it happens again, he's going to "cut off 294his little dick!" 295 Replies the escort, "Leprechauns don't have dicks." 296 "Yeah? Well, then," asks the big man, how does he take a piss?" 297 "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT!!!!" 298% 299 A man was just settling down into his seat for a cross-country 300flight when he noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him, wearing a 301large button with the letters "NAA" on it. 302 "What's that?" he asked, pointing to her button. 303 "Nymphomaniacs Association of America" she replied. 304 After a moments thought he said, "Well, if you wouldn't mind my 305asking, but I've always wanted to know, who are the best, ummm, `endowed' 306men?" 307 "Well, it's not what you think. Native Americans. They're better 308hung than *anybody*." 309 "And is it true that the French are the best lovers?" 310 "No, Jewish men. Once you finally get them going they can last 311all night. By the way, my name is Sue. What's yours?" 312 "Running Bear Sheldon." 313% 314 A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA. 315He arrived in Needles, CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some 316gas. When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights 317were off. Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside. He wasn't sure 318what he'd heard, so he rolled down his window and heard a faint cry, 319"Help... help... help". He got out of his car, and sure enough there was 320a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his 321ankles. He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?" 322 "These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my 323clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!" 324 "Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants. "This just 325hasn't been your day, has it?" 326% 327 A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this 328particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the 329man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very 330fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, 331felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under 332the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?" 333 Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as 334quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, 335"I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?" 336 With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd 337like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!" 338% 339 A Mexican and a Texan worked together for a construction firm, and, 340while they were good friends, they had a friendly rivalry over whose wife 341was the better cook. One weekend, as the Texan's wife was out of town, the 342Mexican invited the Texan to have supper with his family. 343 The Texan accepted, and that evening sat down to some the best stew 344that he had ever eaten. 345 "Damn! That stew is fantastic!" he exclaimed to his host. "What 346kind of meat is it?" 347 "Rabbeet stew," replied the Mexican. 348 "Rabbit?" replied the Texan. "There aren't any rabbits around here." 349 "Si, my freend, the rabbeets make the beeg noise, and I shoot theem." 350 "Rabbits don't make any noise..." 351 "Si, my freend, they say meeyow, meeyow!" 352% 353 A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office. The mother 354asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange 355symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said. 356 The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced, 357"Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant." 358 The mother gasped. "That's nonsense!" she said. "Why, my little 359girl has never even been out with a man, let alone... let alone..." She 360turns to the girl and said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!" 361 "Yes, Mumsy," said the girl. "Doctor, I have never so much as 362kissed a man!" 363 The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again. Then, 364silently he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued 365staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something 366wrong out there?" 367 "No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything 368like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if 369another one was going to show up." 370% 371 A proper elderly English couple visiting Australia decided to hire a 372car to take a look at the outback. "We know it's rough country, but it's safe 373and decent, isn't it?" the husband inquired of the rental-agency manager. 374Upon being assured that it was, the couple drove off. 375 Later that day, they returned, upset and angry. "You said it was 376decent country," the Englishwoman upbraided the rental agent, "but we hadn't 377driven too far when we saw a man in a field copulating with a kangaroo!" 378 "And not too long after that," complained her husband, "a one-legged 379aborigine leaning against a tree by the side of the road grinningly waved 380at us with one hand while he brazenly masturbated himself with the other!" 381 "Guv'nor," responded the Aussie, "yer wouldn't expect a poor bugger 382like that, with only one leg, to catch a 'roo, would you?" 383% 384 A secretary entered her boss's office with the announcement: "I have 385some good news and some bad news." 386 He muttered, "It's quarterly report day, Sally -- just the good news." 387 She replied, "You're not sterile." 388% 389 A sociologist, a psychologist, and an engineer were discussing the 390consequences and implications of a married man's having a mistress. The 391sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable 392for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly 393and lustful pursuits. 394 The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible, 395if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being, 396then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he 397is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife. 398 The engineer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary, 399a married man is entitled to a mistress. However, I do not see why the 400affair should be concealed from the wife. On the contrary, if the affair 401is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife that he 402is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be with 403his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!" 404% 405 A strange looking white man came to the Indian reservation looking 406for a job. He asked to talk to the Chief of the tribe, so he might give his 407qualifications. The Chief strode forward from the group surrounding the 408white man and said: "You leave! No job!" 409 The man explained that this was no ordinary job he was seeking, but 410that of tribe Medicine-Man. He would convince him if the Chief would allow 411him to demonstrate his magic. "No magic!" said the disbelieving Chief. 412 "Oh, yeah?", said the stranger. "I'll prove it to you by making 413your dog, here, talk!" 414 "Dog, no talk!" responded the Chief, but before he could finish, he 415heard a voice coming out of the mouth of the dog saying, "The Chief treats me 416good. He feeds me, and keeps me in teepee when it snows!" 417 "If you still have doubts as to my magic," continued the stranger, 418"the next voice you'll hear will be that of your horse!" 419 "Horse, no talk!" argued the still-sceptical Chief, but again he 420heard a voice that said: "I am the Chief's favorite horse. He takes me up to 421the green pasture to eat and brushes my coat when I get dirty." 422 The stranger, still seeing some disbelieving faces, claimed for his 423final trick he would make the Chief's sheep talk. 424 "NO!" cried the Chief, "SHEEP LIE!" 425% 426 A ten-year-old kid came home from school one day, and when his mom 427asked how was school he says: "Gee, great, mom. I got laid!" 428 She's shocked and sends him upstairs, where his dad finds him after 429work. "Mommy told me about your day at school, Billy, and I think we men 430should keep it a secret. Women just don't understand these things." 431 So every night Dad goes up to Billy's room after Mom tucks him in: 432"You get laid today, Billy?" 433 "Yeah, Dad." 434 "How was it?" 435 "Real neat, Dad, I liked it a lot." 436 "Good Boy!". 437 A month later: "You get laid today?" 438 "No, Dad." 439 "No? How come?" 440 "Gee, Dad, my ass is getting really sore." 441% 442 A white man was traveling with Indian (American) out West. The 443Indian stops, puts his ear to the ground, and says, "Buffalo come." 444 The white man looks around in all directions, sees nothing for 445miles and asks the Indian how the hell he knows that. 446 Replies the Indian, "Ear wet." 447 -- Lily Tomlin, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent 448 Life in the Universe" 449% 450 A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park. 451They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate 452love. Shortly thereafter, as they were driving away, the young man turned 453to her and said, "If I had known you were a virgin, I'd have taken more time." 454 She replied, "If I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off 455my pantyhose." 456% 457 A young man asked his father to lend him $50 for a blowjob, 458whereupon his father solemnly replied, "When I was young we used to 459settle for a kiss." 460 The son retorted, "OK, how about $50 for a long low kiss?" 461% 462 All he did was take the ball and run every time they called his 463number -- which came to be more and more often, and in the Super Bowl Thomas 464was the whole show. But the season is now over; the purse is safe in the 465vault; and Duane Thomas is facing two to twenty for possession. Nobody really 466expects him to serve time, but nobody seems to think he'll be playing for 467Dallas next year either, and a few sporting people who claim to know how the 468NFL works say he won't be playing for ANYBODY next year; that the Commissioner 469is outraged at this mockery of all those Government-sponsored "Beware of Dope" 470TV shots that dressed up the screen last autumn. 471 We all enjoyed those spots, but not everyone found them convincing. 472Here was a White House directive saying several million dollars would be spent 473to drill dozens of Name Players to stare at the camera and try to stop grinding 474their teeth long enough to say they hate drugs of any kind... and then the best 475running back in the world turns out to be a goddamn uncontrollable drugsucker. 476 But not for long. There is not much room for freaks in the National 477Football League. Joe Namath was saved by the simple blind luck of getting 478drafted by a team in New York City, a place where social outlaws are not 479always viewed as criminals. But Namath would have had a very different trip 480if he'd been drafted by the St. Louis Cardinals. 481 -- Hunter S. Thompson 482% 483 An Aggie was appointed ambassador to Japan. Two weeks before 484officially reporting to the embassy, he went from geisha house to geisha 485house. While making love to a geisha girl, he heard her repeat, "Yaki-san, 486yaki-san." 487 Right away the Aggie thought to himself, "I've learned my first 488Japanese word. It must be an expression of joy." 489 When he reported to the embassy, he received his first assignment, 490which was to escort the prime minister of Japan around the golf course. 491After having played a couple of holes, the prime minister teed-off and made 492a hole-in-one. The prime minister jumped up and down shouting, "Bonsai! 493Bonsai!" 494 Quickly, thinking that this was the perfect chance to show off the 495new Japanese word that he'd learned, the Aggie exclaimed, "Yaki-san, 496yaki-san!" 497 The prime minister turned to the Aggie in surprise and exclaimed, 498"What do you mean, wrong hole?" 499% 500 An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial 501city and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish 502arrived he asked what kind of meat it contained. "These, senor," explained 503the waiter in halting English, "are the cojones -- the, what you say, the 504testicles -- of the bull killed in the ring today. 505 The tourist gulped but tasted the dish and found it delicious. 506Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. When it was 507served, he commented to the waiter, "But these -- these cojones -- are 508much smaller than the ones I had yesterday." 509 "True, senor, but the bull -- he does not ALWAYS lose." 510% 511 An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a 512man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by. "Your names please?" 513said the soldier. 514 "My name is Mary," said the woman. 515 "And mine is Joseph," said the man. 516 "Oh," said the soldier, a little taken aback, "And where are you 517going?" 518 "To Bethlehem." 519 "Your reason for going there?" 520 "To pay our taxes to the government." 521 "Tell me," said the soldier, "are you going to name the baby Jesus?" 522 "Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto 523Ricans?" 524% 525 An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the 526remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, 527"I have a dead pussy." 528 The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, 529"Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common." 530% 531 And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" 532 They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the 533ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our 534very selfhood revealed." 535 And Jesus replied, "What?" 536% 537 Are you a Young Urban Professional Woman? If so, you know how 538Yuppie women are; cold, ruthless bitches with no time for love, and only 539an occasional weekend for sex. Your one "hot date" with Joe Fastrack, 540rising corporate star, ended in disaster. Yesterday you heard him telling 541a friend over lunch, "The woman must masturbate with popsicles!" Well, 542all is not lost! SofSqueeze can change your nickname to Electrolux in just 54315 minutes a day! 544 SofSqueeze is a pressure sensitive device (divided into appropriate 545sections) that plugs into the serial port of most home computers. Through 546the magic of biofeedback, SofSqueeze teaches you control over your vaginal 547muscles. With our exciting, easy-to-follow software you'll master the 548"Cincinnati Squeeze", the "Irresistible", the "California Crusher", and, 549of course, the perennial favorite, "Milking Time Down on the Farm". Or, 550using our exclusive Interactive Mode, invent your own! 551 SofSqueeze is made of sturdy ABS plastic, and is completely 552immersible for easy cleaning. SofSqueeze's flesh-toned exterior is finely 553textured for a realistic effect. Requires 4K RAM, a DB25 serial port and 554limited graphics capability. Comes fully assembled, with 4 AA batteries. 555% 556 Attracted by repeated newspaper advertisements, and realizing that 557his waist had gone both East and West despite his daily racquetball, a young 558executive appeared at a local health resort. Looking over the several weight 559loss plans offered, he selected one guaranteed to reduce his weight by two 560pounds per day. After a light breakfast, and an almost non-existent lunch, he 561was escorted to a large room, where a young, attractive woman told him that 562"if he caught her, he could have her". After an hour of hard running, he 563finally gave up; and weighing himself, was comforted to realize that he had 564lost just under three pounds. Returning the next week, he chose the plan that 565was to reduce his weight by four pounds per session. After following the same 566regimen, he was again escorted to a large room, but after two hours of running, 567he caught the young woman. Weight loss, just over four pounds. Returning the 568following week, he chose to lose eight pounds in a single day. He was shown 569to the largest room he'd seen, by far, where he was confronted by an extremely 570muscular, burly man, who looked him square in the eye, flung his towel into 571a corner, and snarled, "You know the rules. Start running!" 572% 573 Barbra Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American 574Indians. After a tour of a reservation they were on, she was curious as to 575the number of feathers in the headdresses. She asked a brave who had only 576one feather in his headdress. His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me 577have only one feather." She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow 578was only joking. This brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied, 579"Me have four feathers, because me sleep with four squaws." 580 Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of 581squaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a 582headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters. 583Ms. W: "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?" 584Chief: "Me Chief, me fuck-em all, big, small, fat, tall, 585 me fuck-em all." 586Ms. W: "You ought to be hung!" 587Chief: "You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake." 588Ms. W: "You don't have to be so hostile!" 589Chief: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all." 590Ms. W: "Oh, dear!" 591Chief: "No deer, me no fuck deer. Asshole too high and fuckers run 592 too fast." 593% 594 Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife, 595Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and 596subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this 597sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste 598treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world. To you." 599 Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's 600blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off. 601Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to 602see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him. 603 "What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king. 604 "My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!" 605% 606 Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best 607friend asked him how it went. 608 "The first night we did it nine times," Bill said. "The second 609night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six 610times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the 611last night, nothing!" 612 "Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?" 613 "Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?" 614% 615 "Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your 616penis?" 617 "Uh, not right now." 618 "Tsk, tsk. A girl has to have *some* standards." 619 -- "Real Genius" 620% 621 Churchill was known to drain a glass or two and, after one 622particularly convivial evening, he chanced to encounter Miss Bessie Braddock, 623a Socialist member of the House of Commons, who, upon seeing his condition, 624said, "Winston, you're drunk." Mustering all his dignity, Churchill drew 625himself up to his full height, cocked an eyebrow and rejoined, "Shove it up 626your ass, you ugly cunt." 627 When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to 628the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if 629you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "You and 630your play can go fuck yourselves." 631 At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table 632to remark, "If you were my husband, Winston, I'd poison your coffee." "And 633if you were my wife, I'd beat the shit out of you," came Churchill's 634unhesitating retort. 635 -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon 636% 637 "Daddy?" 638 "Yes son." 639 "Wha-wha-wha-what does regret mean?" 640 "Well, son, a funny thing about regret is that it's better to regret 641something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done. And by 642the way, if you see your Mom this weekend, would you be sure and tell her, 643`SATAN, SATAN, SATAN!!!'" 644 -- Butthole Surfers, "Sweat Loaf" 645% 646 "Darling", said the young bride, "tell me what's bothering you. 647We promised to share all our joys and sorrows, remember?" 648 "But this is different," protested her husband. 649 "Together, darling," she insisted, "we will bear the burden. 650Now tell me what our problem is." 651 "Well," said the husband, "we've just become the father of a 652bastard child." 653% 654 Desperate about the state of her social life, a young woman resorted 655to the Personal Ads in the back of her local paper. In the ad she made it 656quite clear that what she was advertising for was an expert lover; she already 657had plenty of sensitive friends and meaningful relationships and what she 658now wanted was to get laid, to put it bluntly. Phone calls started coming 659in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck 660the young woman's fancy. Until one night her doorbell rang. Opening the door 661she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in 662response to her advertisement. "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my 663ad was quite explicit. I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert, 664and you... uh... don't have all the..." 665 "Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" 666% 667 During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her 668husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!" Then, turning to the counselor, 669she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!" 670% 671 Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a 672blizzard. He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that, 673while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter. She proved 674to be eighteen and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a 675pass at the daughter. "Stop that!" she said. "I'll call my father." 676 He desisted. But half an hour later he made another attempt. "Uh, 677stop ... that," she said. "I'll call my father." 678 But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try. This time, no 679protest, no threat. Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she 680tugged at his pajama sleeve. "Could we do that again?" she asked. 681 Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the 682tug at his sleeve. "Again?" 683 And again Ed obliged. But when his sleep was once more interrupted 684by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her 685and mumbled, "Stop that! Or I'll call your father." 686% 687 Elroy stared at Barb and then leaned quietly over to Shake Tiller 688and stuck out his hand. "Son," he said. "Tell the truth. It ain't better 689than fried chicken, is it?" 690 Shake looked solemnly at Elroy, clasping his hand, and said: 691 "I got to be dead honest, Roy." 692 And Elroy said yeah, lay it on him. 693 Shake said slowly, "For a Lesbian who gave up the only real love she 694ever knew -- Sister Francis at Our Lady of Victory -- and for a person who 695can't make it any more with nothing but an electric toothbrush, she's the 696finest I've ever had." 697 -- Dan Jenkins, "Semi-Tough" 698% 699 Ever thought of putting a ferret down your pants? Yes, ferrets, 700those weasel-like animals originally trained to hunt rats and possessing 701needle sharp claws and razor sharp teeth. The English do it for sport. 702 Ferret Legging involves the tying of a competitor's trousers at 703the ankles and then dropping into the trousers a couple of vicious ferrets. 704No jockstraps or underwear allowed -- nothing but the bodies' own. The 705ferrets must be young and in good condition. Neither the ferret or the 706contestant may be drugged or drunk -- cold eyed sober only. The trousers 707should be loose fitting, to allow the ferret to scramble from one leg to 708the other, and are traditionally white, so that the blood shows better. 709 Normal contestants are able to keep them down for up to 40 seconds. 710The champion ferret legger, Reg Mellor, of Yorkshire, holds the world record 711of 5 hours and 26 minutes. Mr. Mellor's claims that being the champion is 712not so much heroism but, "You just got to be able to have your tool bitten 713and not care." 714% 715 Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see 716a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a 717baseball. Finally, some brave young man got up the nerve to stop him and 718ask, "What happened to give you such a small head?" 719 The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach, 720which produced a beautiful genie when rubbed. The genie said, "I now give 721you one wish. Do you want a quick fuck or a little head?" 722% 723 Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman, 724obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance 725floor like a 20-year old. Finally curiosity got the best of the cigarette 726girl. "I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman 727of your age living it up like a youngster. Tell me, are all of your faculties 728unimpaired?" 729 The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head. "Not 730all, I'm afraid." he said. "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a 731girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place 732about two A.M. We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon 733as my head hit the pillow. I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl." 734 "Why, George," she said in surprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago." 735 "So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to 736fail me." 737% 738 Farmer Johnson was drunk again. 739 "You know, Anna," he said to his long-suffering wife, "if you could 740only lay eggs we could get rid of all those damn chickens." 741 Anna said nothing. Farmer Johnson tried again. "You know, Anna, if 742only you could give milk we could get rid of that expensive herd of cows." 743 Anna looked at him coolly. "You know, Jack," she said, "if only you 744could get it up once in a while we could get rid of your brother Bob." 745% 746 "First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight," 747said the guy aggressively. 748 "Oh, no, you're not," said the girl. 749 "Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in 750town." 751 "Oh, no, you won't." 752 "Then I'll take you to my apartment and mix up a pitcher of daiquiris." 753 "Oh, no, you won't." 754 "Then I'm going to make violent, mad, passionate love to you." 755 "Oh, no, you're not." 756 "And I'm not going to take any precautions either!" said the guy. 757 "Oh, yes, you are!!" said the girl. 758% 759 For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief 760vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an 761affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting 762few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped 763short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! 764 "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" 765he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, 766and the baby would have my name!" 767 "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, 768we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and finally decided it would be 769better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer." 770% 771 "God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no 772matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly 773pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent 774merriment. 775 "Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone 776agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and 777lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects, 778though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along 779innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they 780were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one." 781 -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" 782% 783 Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his 784proposal of marriage as he was pretty sensitive about his artificial leg 785and afraid that no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself 786to tell his fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, 787nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. 788All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which 789she blushed and smiled bewitchingly. 790 The wedding came and went, and the young couple were at last alone 791in their honeymoon suite. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big 792surprise," smiled the bride. 793 Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his 794leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump. 795 "Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the 796Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!" 797% 798 "Hello, Police Department." 799 "This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court. I've just been sexually 800molested by a pervert, right here in my own home. It was horrifying!" 801 "Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it." 802 "Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask. I was napping 803on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything. 804Suddenly he had his great big old calloused hand over my mouth, holding me down. 805I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off. I was so frightened! He 806held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly. What could I do? I 807couldn't stop him. He was huge. A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty 808pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible. He had an 809erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my 810throat; forced me to suck it. Yes, officer! There was no escaping this man. 811Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on 812my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to 813say it, he put that huge thing... It must have been a foot long, and I don't 814know how thick... into my... Just a minute." 815 "What's the matter, mister?" 816 "Listen, I have to hang up now, he's getting out of the shower." 817% 818 "I know a life of crime led me to this sorry state. I blame 819society. Society made me what I am today!" 820 "That's bullshit Archie. You're just a young suburban punk 821like me." 822 "It still... hurts... auugghh!" 823 "You're going to be okay..." 824 "...gurgle..." 825 "... maybe not." 826 -- Repo Man 827% 828 "I need a camel that can go without water for at least three weeks," 829the American said to an Algerian camel merchant. "Is it possible?" 830 "All things are possible," replied the merchant. He proceeded to 831take a camel out of his barn and lead him to a tank of water. After the 832camel had drunk its fill and was about to lift its head out of the tank, 833the merchant picked up two nearby bricks, one in each hand, stepped behind 834the camel, and smacked his testicles with the bricks. 835 The camel let out a gigantic "Whhoooosh!" and sucked up what seemed 836like twenty more gallons of water. 837 The American stared incredulously at the camel merchant. "My God, 838man!" he exclaimed, "doesn't that hurt?!" 839 The merchant shrugged. "Only if you get your thumbs in between the 840bricks." 841% 842 "I think my wife may be getting somewhat overweight. 843 "Oh, how can you tell?" 844 "Well, last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't 845hear the stereo." 846% 847 In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was 848without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So 849they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, 850and it stinks." 851 852 And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying, 853"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now, 854the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a 855container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide 856before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto 857the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer 858and none may abide by its strength." 859 860 And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the 861Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and 862it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto 863the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the 864growth of the Laboratories." 865 866 And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that 867it was Good! 868% 869 It seems there were two young Marines walking down the street, and 870they chanced upon a lady who was both very proper and very well endowed. 871One of them said, "Wow! What tits! Hey lady, would I love to snuggle up with 872them for awhile. What are you doing this afternoon?" 873 Well, the other Marine thought that was just about the most shameful 874thing he had ever witnessed, and felt that he had to restore the honor of the 875Corps. "Pardon my friend, Ma'am," he apologized, "He's not been very well 876brought up and don't know how to talk to cunt." 877% 878 It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year. I was driving 879in downtown Atlantis. My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented 880Stingray, and it was overheating. So I pulled into a Shell station. They 881said I'd blown a seal. I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my private 882life out of it, okay, pal?" While they were doing that, I walked over to the 883Oyster Bar. A real dive. But I knew the owner. He used to play for the 884Dolphins. I said "Hi, Gil!" You have to yell -- he's hard of herring. 885 -- Kip Addotta, "Wet Dream" 886% 887 It was in a bar in midtown Manhattan and the Frenchman and the 888American were talking about love over some dry Martinis. "Deed you know, 889sir," the Frenchman said, "that een my country thair are 79 different 890ways how to make the REAL, passionate luff?" 891 "Do tell?" said the American. "Well, that's amazing. In this 892country there's only one." 893 "Just one?" the Frenchman said, condescendingly. "And what eez 894that?" 895 "Well, there's a man and a woman, and --" 896 "Sacre bleu!!" exclaimed the Frenchman. "Numbair 80!" 897% 898 "Jean, what is this attraction between Catholic girls and 899Jewish men?" 900 "You really want to know?" 901 "Yeah." 902 "Well, Carol, Jewish men are great in bed... right, Bob? And 903Catholic girls fuck like bunnies." 904% 905 Many lower life forms demonstrate qualities that, at first, just don't 906seem survival oriented. For instance, the female praying mantis, after mating 907with, well, her mate, will devour him. For the male praying mantis, however, 908it's a catch-22. If he mates, he gets screwed out of an opportunity to mate 909again. If he doesn't mate, he doesn't reproduce, ending his family tree. This 910suicidal behavior is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome -- and many 911life forms are periodically subject to its wrath. How did the preying mantis 912become stuck in such an awful, vicious cycle? This is probably what happened: 913 The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis. After 914some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphragm) they mate. 915The female mantis, her lust for... lust being satisfied, relaxes while the 916male raids the refrigerator and returns home. This behavior continues until 917the male and female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship. Then the 918male establishes a new pattern of behavior: Football on Mondays, baseball on 919Tuesdays, happy hour on Wednesdays, uh, well, uh, working-late-at-the-office 920on Thursdays, etc. etc. The female tolerates this for awhile, then files for 921a divorce. After a long court battle, she concludes one thing: It simplifies 922matters tremendously to just eat him when you're done with him. 923 Well, through the centuries of evolution, the Preying Mantis Syndrome 924has been carried up to the highest life forms, as well as to humans. That is 925why, one week out of every month, the female of the species will feel compelled 926to bite the head off of the male. The Syndrome is inescapable, but when it 927occurs in the female of our species, it's best to just avoid them for a while. 928% 929 Mr. Hersh came home to find his wife sitting naked in front of the 930mirror, admiring her breasts. 931 "And what do you think you're doing?" he asked. 932 "I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a 933twenty-five-year-old." 934 "Oh yeah? And what did he have to say about your forty-year-old 935ass?" 936 "Nothing," she replied. "Your name didn't come up at all." 937% 938 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. 939Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, 940without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In 941an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to 942prison. 943 They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports 944in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get 945them to name their contacts in the liberation movement... Finally they're 946hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced 947to death. 948 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll 949be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have 950any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in 951Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to 952Murray. 953 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he 954spits in the sergeants face. 955 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." 956 -- Arthur Naiman 957% 958 "My husband commits an inconceivable act of perversion with a 959barnyard animal, and it's not central to my case?!" 960 "Not in California." 961% 962 Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the 963people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many 964times a job applicant has had the clap. 965 Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written 966by a professional liar? 967 If the applicant is a man, the employer must ask only one question: 968did the applicant go to TCU? 969 If the applicant is a woman, the employer may simply ask: does she 970have a tongue that can lick the paint off a dormitory wall? 971 -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma" 972% 973 Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of 974bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the 975court had the mightiest "weapon". The first knight stood up and proclaimed 976that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5 977pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the 978women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band 979played appropriate music. 980 Another knight stood up and claimed that he had the mightiest weapon. 981He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth 982rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved 983multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music. 984 After several more knights tried to prove their superiority... the 985King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped 986his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, 987but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffee pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose. 988The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored 989banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen." 990% 991 One day a mother and daughter are walking around a farming community 992and they see a stallion mounting a mare. The daughter takes in the scene and 993turns to her mother. "Mommy, what are those two horses doing?" 994 Her mother hastily answered, "The horse on top hurt its hoof, and the 995one on the bottom is carrying him back to the stable." 996 The daughter shook her head and sadly replied, "Isn't that just the 997way it goes? Try to help someone and you get fucked." 998% 999 One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to 1000seek out a cute little coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli-Amp 1001and took her for a ride on his Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone 1002bridge, around the sine waves, and stopped in the magnetic field by the 1003flowing current. Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's characteristic curves, 1004soon had her fully charged and excited, her resistance to a minimum. He laid 1005her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, and lowered her reluctance. 1006He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it into her socket, 1007connecting them in parallel and began short circuiting her resistance shunt. 1008Fully excited, Milli-Amp mumbled: "OHM-OHM-OHM." 1009 With his tube operating at a maximum and her field vibrating with 1010his current flow, it caused her shunt to overheat, and Micro-Farad was rapidly 1011discharged and drained of every electron. They Fluxed all night trying 1012various connections and sockets until his magnet had a soft core and lost 1013all of its field strength. 1014 Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged her solenoids. 1015With his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to excite his field, 1016so they spent the night reversing polarity and blowing each others fuses. 1017 -- Eddie Currents, "The Sex Life of an Electron" 1018% 1019 One of my favorite Zoo jokes has to do with a woman who, while 1020visiting the zoo, decided to have a little fun with the Gorilla. She walks 1021up to his cage, reaches in, and begins to fondle the beast. Needless to 1022say, the animal becomes quite excited, and as he tries to reciprocate in 1023kind, the woman steps back and gives him a raspberry...! 1024 The gorilla becomes enraged. He rips the bars from his cage, grabs 1025the woman, drags her back into the cage, and ravishes her. While doing so, 1026he inflicts a great deal of harm upon her person. 1027 Later, at the hospital, a neighbor of the woman visits and exclaims, 1028"Oh, you poor dear...! Are you hurt?" 1029 "Hurt!", "Hurt!?" the injured lady sobs, "He doesn't phone. He 1030never writes..." 1031% 1032 One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O' HONEY. So he took his Miss 1033HERSHEY behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of 5th AVENUE and CLARK where he 1034there began to feel her MOUNDS. And that was an ALMOND JOY which definitely 1035made his TOOTSIE ROLL. 1036 He let out a SNICKER as he slipped his BUTTERFINGER up her KIT KAT 1037which of course caused the MILKY WAY. She screamed "OH, HENRY!" as she 1038squeezed his PETER, PAUL and ZAGNUTS and said "you're better then the 3 1039MUSKETEERS." 1040 -- John Volby (Dr. Dirty), "The Candy Bar Poem" 1041% 1042 One spring evening, after a hard rain, grandpa and grandson were 1043sitting out on the porch, talking. Grandpa spied a worm crawling up out 1044of its hole and said to his grandson, "Sonny, if you can get that there 1045worm back down its hole, I'll give you five dollars." 1046 "Sure!", says sonny, and runs in the house. Out he runs an 1047instant later with a can of hairspray, grabs the worm, and sprays it with 1048the hairspray as it dangles earthward. He then slips the stiff worm back 1049into its hole and turns to his grandpa with a huge smile on his face. 1050 "Well, I'll be. That was pretty smart there, boy.", he says. 1051"Here's your fiver.", he adds as he fishes out a bill. By then it's almost 1052dark, and they say their goodnights and part. 1053 The next day sonny's playing out on the porch, and grandpa comes 1054out of the house and gives him a five. "But you gave me my five yesterday, 1055grandpa.", he remarks. 1056 "Yep, I know. This is from your Grandma." 1057% 1058 "Our school, madame, postulates, first of all, that since the 1059science of mathematics is an abstract science, it is best inculcated by 1060some concrete example." 1061 Said the Queen, "But that sounds rather complicated." 1062 "It occasionally leads to complications," Jurgen admitted, "through 1063a choice of the wrong example. But the axiom is no less true." 1064 "Come, then, and sit next to me on this couch if you can find it in 1065the dark; and do you explain to me what you mean." 1066 "Why, madame, by a concrete example I mean one that is perceptible 1067to any of the senses -- as to sight or hearing, or touch --" 1068 "Oh, oh!" said the Queen, "now I perceive what you mean by a concrete 1069example. And grasping this, I can understand that complications must of 1070course arise from a choice of the wrong example." 1071 -- James Branch Cabell, "Jurgen" 1072% 1073 Out on the great American desert one day, a bald eagle reached a 1074state of great libidal distress. Pickings were slim, but in time, he saw a 1075dove flying by. "Better than nothin'", he muttered (birds in jokes can mutter) 1076and swooped down, grabbed the dove and flew to his nest. Feathers flew, and 1077eventually the dove tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted (yes, they 1078shout, too): 1079 "I'm a dove! I've been loved! And I LIKE it!" 1080 Well, this took care of the old boy for a while but soon enough he 1081was at it again. All he could find was a lark, so away he went, and feathers 1082flew and soon the lark tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted: 1083 "I'm a lark! I've been sparked! And I LIKE it!" 1084 As you can guess, some time later our friend was again in need of 1085amor... lib... you know! This time, all that happened by was... a duck! 1086So down he swooped, and feathers flew, and the next thing seen is the duck 1087tottering to the cliffside and shouting: 1088 "I'M A DRAKE! THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE! AND I DON'T LIKE IT!!! 1089% 1090 Overheard in a bar: 1091Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!" 1092Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now." 1093% 1094 People who claim to know jackrabbits will tell you they are primarily 1095motivated by Fear, Stupidity and Craziness. But I have spent enough time in 1096jackrabbit country to know that most of them lead pretty dull lives; they are 1097bored with their daily routines: eat, fuck, sleep, hop around a bush now and 1098then... No wonder some of them drift over the line into cheap thrills once in 1099a while; there has to be a powerful adrenaline rush in crouching by the side of 1100a road, waiting for the next set of headlights to come along, then streaking 1101out of the bushes with split-second timing and making it across to the other 1102side just inches in front of the speeding front wheels. 1103 Why not? Anything that gets the adrenaline moving like a 440 volt 1104blast in a copper bathtub is good for the reflexes and keeps the veins free 1105of cholesterol ... but too many adrenaline rushes in any given time-span has 1106the same bad effect on the nervous system as too many electro-shock treatments 1107are said to have on the brain: after a while you start burning out the 1108circuits. 1109 When a jackrabbit gets addicted to road running, it is only a matter 1110of time before he gets smashed -- and when a journalist turns into a politics 1111junkie he will sooner or later start raving and babbling in print about things 1112that only a person who has Been There can possibly understand. 1113 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: 1114 On the Campaign Trail" 1115% 1116 People who write position papers often find themselves in an 1117enviable position. They are hired to write papers for both sides of the 1118position. 1119 A good position paper will have many words in it like 1120"superincumbence," "egress," and "plurification." 1121 You will not often find the phrase "lightweight dropcase 1122limp-wristed motherfucker" in a serious position paper. 1123 Charts and multiplication tables should always be included in 1124position papers. They should look complicated enough to make Albert 1125Einstein stagger across the room for a Tylenol. 1126 A good position paper will never underestimate the value of a 1127semicolon. 1128 -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma" 1129% 1130 Santa Claus comes down the chimney and the nubile sixteen-year-old 1131has been waiting for him. Santa sees her, and in typically unflappable 1132Santa-style says, "And what do you want for Christmas, little girl?" 1133 The girl, and she's not so little, tells him. Well, Santa is 1134definitely flapped by this, but he manages to come out with, "Ho ho ho, 1135gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know." 1136 The girl, not to be daunted, takes off her robe. "Aw, please stay 1137Santa," she begs. 1138 He replies, "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, 1139you know." 1140 She then takes off her pajama top, her firm pouting breasts pointing 1141at Santa like an accusation. "Aw, please stay Santa," she pleads. 1142 "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know." 1143 Finally, she takes off her pajama bottoms, revealing to Santa her 1144warm mound of delight. "Aw, please stay, Santa," she begs. 1145 Being only mortal, Santa finally gives in, sighing, "Hey hey hey, 1146gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way." 1147% 1148 Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde 1149stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If 1150this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she 1151doesn't deserve to have any." 1152 1153 James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") 1154failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to 1155remark in later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a 1156major general." 1157 1158 (German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, 1159complained, "Only one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a 1160while and then added, "And he didn't understand me." 1161 1162 Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly 1163pointed out of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening 1164sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing 1165more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand 1166on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning 1167out of the car. "Run for your life!" 1168 1169 Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the 1170Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular 1171story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was 1172roused by his wife crying, "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the 1173house." 1174 "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate 1175maybe, but not in the House." 1176 1177% 1178 Shortly after arriving at their honeymoon destination, the 1179still-nervous groom became worried about the state of his bride's innocence. 1180Deciding on a direct confrontation, he quickly undressed, pointed at his 1181exposed manhood and asked his mate, "Do you know what this is?" 1182 Without hesitation, she blushingly answered, "That's a wee-wee." 1183 Delighted at the idea of instructing his naive wife in the ways of 1184love, the husband whispered, "From now on, dearest, this will be called a 1185prick." 1186 "Oh, come now," the girl chided. "I've seen lots of pricks and I 1187assure you, that's a wee-wee." 1188% 1189 Shortly after Churchill had grown a moustache, he was accosted by a 1190certain young lady whose political views were in direct opposition to his 1191own. Fancying herself something of a wag, she exclaimed, "Mr. Churchill, I 1192care for neither your politics nor your moustache." Unabashed, the young 1193statesman regarded her quietly for a moment, then wryly commented, "Suck my 1194dick." 1195 While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was 1196asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers. 1197 "They're assholes, sir," he ventured, then paused briefly and added, with a 1198whimsical smile, "They're assholes." 1199 Churchill was given to reading in the bathtub and, while staying at 1200the White House, he once became so engrossed in an account of the Battle of 1201Fonteney that he forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the 1202upcoming conference in Yalta. At the appointed hour, the President was 1203wheeled into Churchill's quarters only to be informed that the Prime Minister 1204had not finished bathing. Roosevelt was about to apologize for the intrusion 1205and depart when Churchill, puffing his customary cigar, strode into the room 1206stark naked and greeted the nonplussed world leader with a terse, "What are 1207you staring at, homo?" 1208 -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon 1209% 1210 "Sir", said the beggar, "can you spare fifty dollars for a cup of 1211coffee?" 1212 "Fifty dollars for a cup of coffee, one should be sufficient!", 1213answered the gentleman, rather shortly. 1214 "I know", replied the beggar, "but coffee always makes me horny." 1215% 1216 The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't 1217just say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these 1218primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot, 1219and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal 1220saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think 1221you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same 1222time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of 1223Northern Mali that you may be interested in." 1224 So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic 1225publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest 1226naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason 1227naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an 1228article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System 1229Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But 1230others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev. 1231Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked. 1232 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 1233% 1234 The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You 1235claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in 1236his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?" 1237 1238 "Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but 1239not much good in a fight." 1240% 1241 The famous Nell Gwynn, stepping one day from a house where she had 1242made a short visit into her coach, saw a great crowd assembled, and her 1243footman all bloody and dirty; the fellow being asked by his mistress, the 1244reason for his being in that condition, answered, "I have been fighting, 1245madam, with an impudent rascal who called your ladyship a whore." 1246 "You blockhead," replied Mrs. Gwynn, "at this rate you must fight 1247every day of your life; why, you fool, all the world knows it." 1248 "Do they?" cries the fellow, in a muttering voice, after he had shut 1249the coach door, "they shan't call me a whore's footman for all that." 1250 -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones" 1251% 1252 The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint 1253 1254My back aches, my pussy is sore; 1255I simply can't fuck any more; 1256 I'm covered with sweat, 1257 And you haven't come yet, 1258And my God, it's a quarter to four! 1259% 1260 The man standing at the bar (in court, unfortunately) was well- 1261dressed, alert and obviously intelligent. The judge asked him how he 1262pleaded to the charge of rape and, much to the magistrate's surprise, he 1263replied, "Not guilty by reason of insanity, your Honor." 1264 "Insanity?" exclaimed the judge. 1265 "Yes, sir," said the defendant. "I'm just crazy about it." 1266% 1267 The new patron was amazed by the cleanliness of the restaurant. A 1268waiter approached the table. "Good afternoon, sir. What may I serve you?" 1269 "I'll have the steak dinner," the man answered. 1270 As the waiter headed for the kitchen, the diner noticed that he 1271wore a spotless white apron and clean white gloves. Soon the waiter 1272returned, bearing a casserole dish on a cart which he uncovered to reveal 1273two tempting filet mignons. From a covered pocket in his apron he produced 1274a small pair of shining silver tongs and with them he transferred the meat 1275from the steaming casserole to the diner's plate. "We never touch anything 1276with our hands," he explained. 1277 The waiter continued serving. "Confidentially," he said, "we even 1278have a special set of rules about visiting the lavatory. Do you see this 1279little piece of string attached to my apron?" 1280 "Yes," the diner replied. "I noticed that all the aprons had one." 1281 The waiter put a large browned potato on the plate with his tongs. 1282"Well," he began, "if I should have to go to the bathroom, that string 1283comes in very handily. I simply unzip my pants and take it out with that 1284piece of string. That way everything stays sanitary." 1285 "But how do you put it back?" 1286 "Well, I don't know about the other guys," the waiter confided, "but 1287I use the tongs." 1288% 1289 The old mailman is making his last rounds; he retires at the end of 1290the week. As he approaches the Jones' house, Mrs. Jones greets him warmly at 1291the door. "Please come in! We're very grateful for your years of service to 1292us and our neighborhood. I've prepared something special for you." 1293 In walks the mailman, to a graciously appointed dining room, where 1294Mrs. Jones has prepared a sumptuous lunch. After dumping his letter satchel 1295on the couch, he and Mrs. Jones have a charming meal. As the mailman finished 1296his last glass of wine, thanking his hostess profusely, she stops him from 1297leaving and disappears upstairs. She returns in a moment, in a daring 1298negligee, and takes the astonished postman to the bedroom, where the elaborate 1299farewell is consummated between the sheets. 1300 As he's putting his pants on, Mrs. Jones reaches into her nightstand, 1301pulls out a dollar bill, and hands it to him. Reacting to his astonished 1302look, she says, "Well, I told my husband that you were retiring and that 1303we should do something for you. He said 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar!'" 1304She pauses and smiles proudly. "The lunch was MY idea." 1305% 1306 The other day my girlfriend and I were going to a party and on the 1307way there, we got a flat tire. We got out of the car and I pumped, she 1308jacked I pumped, she jacked, I pumped, she jacked and then we changed the 1309tire. Eventually we arrived at the party and when we walked in, everyone was 1310jumping for joy. What a sight seeing her hanging nude from the chandelier! 1311Well the party was OK, I guess, we just sat around drinking sherry and eating 1312candy. Everybody else started feeling merry. Those have got to be the three 1313wildest girls I know. 1314% 1315 The radio was screaming: "Power to the People -- Right On!" John 1316Lennon's political song, ten years too late. "That poor fool should have 1317stayed where he was," said my attorney. "Punks like him only get in the 1318way when they try to be serious." 1319 "Speaking of serious," I said. "I think it's about time to get 1320into the ether and the cocaine." 1321 "Forget ether," he said. "Let's save it for soaking down the rug 1322in the suite. But here's this. Your half of the sunshine blotter. Just 1323chew it up like baseball gum." 1324 I took the blotter and ate it. My attorney was now fumbling with 1325the salt shaker containing the cocaine. Opening it. Spilling it. Then 1326screaming and grabbing at the air, as our fine white dust blew up and out 1327across the desert highway. A very expensive little twister rising up from 1328the Great Red Shark. "Oh, Jesus!" he moaned. "Did you see what God just 1329did to us?" 1330 -- Raoul Duke, "Rolling Stone", issue 95, Nov. 11, 1971 1331% 1332 THE TEN STAGES OF INTOXICATION 1333 1334 1. WITTY AND CHARMING: This is after one or two drinks. The tongue is 1335 loosened and can yet remain in step with the brain. In the "witty 1336 and charming" state, one is likely to use foreign idioms and 1337 phrases such as "au contraire" in place of "No way, Jose" or 1338 "Bullsheyet". 1339 2. RICH AND POWERFUL: By the third drink, you begin mentioning the little 1340 380 SL you've had your eye on down at the Mercedes place. 1341 3. BENEVOLENT: You'll buy her a Mercedes, too. It's only money. 1342 4. JUST ONE MORE AND THEN WE'LL EAT: Stall tactic. 1343 5. TO HELL WITH DINNER: Just one more and then we'll eat. 1344 6. PATRIOTIC: The war stories begin. 1345 7. CRANK UP THE "ENOLA GAY": "We could have won in Nam, but..." 1346 8. INVISIBLE: So this is what the Ladies' Room looks like. 1347 9. WITTY AND CHARMING PART II: You know, you don't sweat much for a fat girl. 134810. BULLETPROOF: Bull-sheyet, gimme them keys, I can drive. 1349 -- Lewis Grizzard, "My Daddy Was a Pistol and I'm a Son 1350 of a Gun". 1351% 1352 The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did 1353wonderfully in time trials. However, in actual races he proved a little too 1354romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare. 1355 So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be 1356castrated. The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue 1357factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was 1358almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career. 1359 After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time 1360trials, and found to do as well as ever. But the first time he actually 1361ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look 1362on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates. 1363 "What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!" 1364 "Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand 1365people took one look at you and shouted `they're off!'?" 1366% 1367 The young man took a blind date to the amusement park. They went 1368for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. 1369"What would you like to do next?" he asked. 1370 "I wanna get weighed," she said. So he took her over to the weight 1371guesser. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that he bought her some 1372popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do. 1373 "I wanna get weighed," she said, bluntly. 1374 I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the boy, and 1375using the excuse that he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. 1376The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's 1377wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?" 1378 "Wousy," said the girl. 1379% 1380 Them Toad Suckers 1381 1382How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods? 1383Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs! 1384 1385Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers, 1386Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers. 1387 1388Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy? 1389Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy! 1390 1391Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south, 1392Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth! 1393 1394How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it, 1395Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it! 1396 -- Mason Williams 1397% 1398 There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism. They go 1399and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain 1400from sex for thirty days. 1401 Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest. He asks 1402the first couple if they passed the test. 1403 "Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month. 1404 "Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter 1405the Church." Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did. 1406 "Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine 1407until the 27th day. My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and 1408I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on. I couldn't 1409stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it 1410to her right there." 1411 "That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows. "I can never let you into 1412the Church after something like that." 1413 "I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us 1414into Safeway anymore either." 1415% 1416 There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Newfoundlander sitting in 1417a bar having a few drinks together. 1418 The Englishman turns to the Frenchman, "So tell me, what do you do to 1419drive your wife wild in bed?" 1420 "Well", replies the Frenchman, "After we make love, I go out to the 1421garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and put them all over 1422her body. then I gently blow them off with a soft, even breath, and that drives 1423her wild with desire." 1424 "Interesting," the Englishman replies. "After my wife and I make love 1425I massage baby oil gently all over her body -- that works for me!" 1426Then the pair turn to the Newfie and ask him what he does. 1427 "Well...", he says, "when me and the old lady are through, I jump 1428out of bed and wipe my dick off on the curtain. And that REALLY drives 1429her wild." 1430% 1431 These two project managers were walking through a residential area 1432one day, when they saw a dog (also male) sitting on a lawn, licking its 1433cock. (Why do dogs do that? Because they can). Anyway, the first manager 1434nudged the second and said, "Hey, look at that! That really looks like fun 1435-- I wish I could do that!" 1436 Whereupon the second manager replied, "Well, I don't know... I tried 1437it once, and the damn dog bit me!" 1438% 1439 This 600-pound guy decides he can't go on living this way, so he seeks 1440the help of a clinic and proceeds to go on a drastic diet. It works: four 1441months later he's down to 160 pounds and feeling great, except for one problem. 1442He's covered with great folds of flesh where the fat used to be. He calls 1443up the clinic, and the doctor tells him not to worry. "There's a special 1444surgical procedure to correct this condition," the doctor assures him. "Just 1445come on over to the clinic." 1446 "But doctor," the man pleads, "you don't understand. I'm too 1447embarrassed to be seen in public like this." 1448 "Don't give it another thought," says the doctor. "Simply pull up 1449all the folds as high as they'll go, pile the flesh on top of your head, put 1450on a top hat, and come on over." 1451 The guy follows the instructions and provokes no comments until he 1452reaches the clinic and is standing in front of the admitting nurse's desk, 1453dying of self-consciousness. "The doctor will be right with you," says the 1454nurse. "Say, what's that hole in the middle of your forehead?" 1455 "My navel," blurts out the guy, "how d'ya like my tie?" 1456% 1457 This guy is taking a leak in a public men's room when a man enters 1458with his arms held out from his sides, bent at the elbows with his hands 1459dangling awkwardly, and comes over to him. 1460 "Would you do me a favor and unzip my fly?" he asks. 1461 Figuring the man to be a poor cripple, perhaps an accident victim, 1462the guy obliges, not without a flush of embarrassment when the man next 1463requests that he take out his prick and hold it in the appropriate position. 1464 "Shake it off" is the next instruction, then "zip me up," and the 1465guy follows orders, wincing at his own embarrassment and at the shame of 1466being so helpless. 1467 "Say, thanks," says the man, flouncing to the door. "I can't do a 1468*thing* 'til my nails dry!" 1469% 1470 This guy is walking down the beach one fine sunny day, feeling 1471good, when suddenly he sees this woman with no arms or legs in a wheelchair, 1472sobbing like crazy. He decides to be gallant, "What's wrong, miss?" 1473 "I...<sob, sniffle>...I'm 21 and I <choke> I've never been kissed... 1474<sniffle>" 1475 So this guy, he decides, what the hell, let's cheer up the poor lady. 1476He leans over and gives her a long wonderful kiss. This does wonders, and 1477the woman's face lights up and she grins from ear to ear, and the guy wanders 1478away feeling wonderful. 1479 Well, next week, the same guy is walking along the same beach, and 1480sees the same girl who is once again sobbing her eyes out. Gallant to the 1481end, our hero says, "What's wrong, miss, can I help?" 1482 "I...I'm <sob, sniffle, sniffle> 21 and I've never been fucked..." 1483 The guy picks her up out of her chair, cuddles her close, and brings 1484her over to the shore, and throws her into the water. "Now you're fucked!" 1485% 1486 Three women and Feldstein were brought before the presiding judge. 1487The women had been arrested for soliciting and he'd been was arrested for 1488selling ties without a license. "What do you do for a living?" the judge 1489asked, pointing at the first girl. 1490 "Your honor, I'm a model," she replied. 1491 "Thirty days," was the sentence. The judge turned to the second 1492girl. "What do you do for a living?" he asked. 1493 "Your honor, I'm an actress." 1494 "Thirty days." Then he turned to the third girl. "And how about 1495you?" he demanded. 1496 "Well, your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud of it, but it's 1497the only way I can support my mother and my children since my husband's been 1498laid off." 1499 "For telling the truth," he said, "I'm going to suspend sentence. 1500Furthermore, here's $100 to help your family out." Now he turns to Feldstein, 1501arrested for selling ties illegally. "And you," he said, "what do you do 1502for a living?" 1503 "Your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud..." 1504% 1505 Two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally 1506ran out. "I have an idea," croaked Al. "Lesh go over to my housh and borrow 1507shum money from my wife." 1508 The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light, 1509and lo and behold, there was Al's wife making love on the sofa to another man. 1510This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to 1511affect the husband. 1512 "Shay, dear, you have any money for your ever-lovin' hushban?" he 1513asked. 1514 "Yes, yes," she snapped. "Take my purse from the mantle, and for 1515Pete's sake, turn off those lights." 1516 Outside they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's 1517enough here for a pint for you and a pint for me. Pretty good, eh, old buddy?" 1518 "But, Al," protested his friend, somewhat sobered by the spectacle 1519he'd just witnessed, "what about that fellow back there with your wife?" 1520 "The hell with him," replied Al. "Let him buy his own pint." 1521% 1522 Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club 1523car of a train headed east out of Chicago. 1524 "I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to 1525London?" 1526 The American laughed. "It was my home for two years during the war," 1527he said. "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town." 1528 The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did 1529he say, Reggie?" 1530 "He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman 1531replied. 1532 After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You 1533didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?" 1534 The American almost fell off his chair. "Hot Pants Hazel!" he 1535exclaimed. "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months 1536just before I came back to the States!" 1537 "What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know. 1538 "He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded. 1539% 1540 Two gay guys, Larry and Phil, were driving down the highway when they 1541were rear-ended by a huge semi. Somewhat shaken, they maneuvered over to the 1542side of the road, where Phil instructed Larry to get out and confront the truck 1543driver. "Tell him we're going to sue, sue, sue!" he shrieked. 1544 Obligingly, Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to 1545deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl, 1546"Ah, why doncha suck my cock." 1547 "Phil," said Larry, coming back to their car, "I think we're going 1548to be able to settle out of court." 1549% 1550 Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn 1551how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, 1552you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'". 1553 All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where 1554their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. 1555 "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." 1556His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the 1557room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" 1558 "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass 1559it ain't gonna be Cheerios." 1560% 1561 Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about 1562their troubles. "And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife 1563has cut me down to just once a week." 1564 "That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse. I know 1565two guys she's cut off altogether. 1566% 1567 Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering 1568the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the 1569mortuary, and the mortician began work. When he had unclothed the corpse, he 1570noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well, 1571hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung. He put the cork back, and 1572the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're 1573lookin' swell, Dolly!". Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he 1574come immediately to see something very unusual. Roused from sleep, the partner 1575asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally 1576the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop. When he got there, he 1577said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at 1578this ungodly hour?" 1579 The man said, "Come into the embalming room." 1580 They go into the embalming room, and the first partner says, "Now 1581watch." 1582 He pulls out the cork, and the anus takes off singing again. The 1583partner looks at him disgustedly and says: "You brought me down here at 1584three in the morning just to hear some asshole sing Hello Dolly"? 1585% 1586 Two women were walking down the street, when one nudges the other 1587and says, "There's my husband coming out of the florist's with a dozen 1588roses, damn it. That means I'll have to keep my legs up in the air for 1589three days." 1590 Replies her friend, "Well, why don't you buy a vase?" 1591 1592% 1593 We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the 1594drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like "I feel a bit 1595lightheaded; maybe you should drive ..." And suddenly there was a terrible 1596roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all 1597swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a 1598hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice was 1599screaming: "Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?" 1600 Then it was quiet again. My attorney had taken his shirt off and 1601was pouring beer on his chest, to facilitate the tanning process. "What the 1602hell are you yelling about?" he muttered, staring up at the sun with his 1603eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sunglasses. "Never mind," 1604I said. "It's your turn to drive." I hit the brakes and aimed the Great 1605Red Shark toward the shoulder of the highway. No point in mentioning the 1606bats, I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough. 1607 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: 1608 A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream" 1609% 1610 Well, this woman went to the butcher shop to get some ham for dinner. 1611She asked the butcher what kind of ham he recommended, and the butcher said, 1612"Well ma'am, we got some Damn ham here for $3.50 a pound..." Needless to 1613say, she was surprised at the butcher's language! The butcher, who was 1614reasonably astute, noticed the alarmed look on the woman's face, and quickly 1615justified himself. "No, no, ma'am, I wasn't cursin', the NAME of this here 1616ham is "Damn ham". Amused, the woman requested some "Damn ham." 1617 That night, before dinner, the woman took her husband aside and 1618explained what had happened at the butcher shop. He also was amused, and 1619suggested that they play a joke on their son. So, at dinner, after grace, 1620the man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pass the damn ham." 1621 Their son looked up, surprised. "WHOAH! Dad be gettin' hip! 1622How 'bout them mother-fuckin' potatoes?" 1623% 1624 "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you 1625didn't believe in God." 1626 "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the 1627God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's 1628not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be." 1629 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" 1630% 1631 When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her 1632operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it 1633would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't 1634thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first 1635patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!" 1636% 1637 While visiting our country, a lovely French maiden found herself 1638out of money just as her visa expired. Unable to pay her passage back to 1639France, she was in despair until an enterprising sailor made her a sporting 1640proposition. "My ship is sailing tonight," he said. "I'll smuggle you 1641aboard, hide you down in the hold and provide you with a mattress, blankets 1642and food. All it will cost you is a little love." 1643 The girl consented, and late that night the sailor sneaked her on 1644board his vessel. Twice each day thereafter, the sailor smuggled a large 1645tray of food below decks, took his pleasure with the little French stowaway 1646and departed. The days turned into weeks, and the weeks might have turned 1647into months if the captain hadn't noticed the sailor carrying food below one 1648evening and followed him. After witnessing this unique bit of barter, he 1649waited until the sailor had departed and then confronted the girl, demanding 1650an explanation. She told him the whole story. 1651 "Hmmm," mused the captain. "A clever arrangement, and I must say I 1652admire that young seaman's ingenuity. However, miss, I feel it is only fair 1653to tell you that this is the Staten Island Ferry." 1654% 1655 "Yes, sir, the bowling ball nipple rings in black. Will there 1656be anything else?" 1657% 1658 You see, this girl wakes up one morning, rolls over and sees an 1659elephant in the bed with her. Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you 1660up in the bar last night?" 1661 "Uh-huh," the elephant replies. 1662 "Did I bring you home?" 1663 "Uh-huh." 1664 "Did we, uh, fool around?" 1665 "Uh-huh." 1666 "Lord, I must have been tight!" 1667 "Not any more." 1668% 1669 The Split-Atom Blues 1670 1671Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine, 1672 Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline ... 1673But if you split those atoms fine, 1674 Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine! 1675 1676Gimme zits, take my dough, 1677 Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll ... 1678Call the devil and sell my soul, 1679 But Mama keep dem atoms whole! 1680 -- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County" 1681% 1682... and no philosophy, sadly, has all the answers. No matter how assured 1683we may be about certain aspects of our belief, there are always painful 1684inconsistencies, exceptions, and contradictions. This is true in religion 1685as it is in politics, and is self-evident to all except fanatics and the 1686naive. As for the fanatics, whose number is legion in our own time, we 1687might be advised to leave them to heaven. They will not, unfortunately, do 1688us the same courtesy. They attack us and each other, and whatever their 1689protestations to peaceful intent, the bloody record of history makes clear 1690that they are easily disposed to restore to the sword. My own belief in 1691God, then, is just that -- a matter of belief, not knowledge. My respect 1692for Jesus Christ arises from the fact that He seems to have been the most 1693virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth. But even well-educated Christians are 1694frustrated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure of Jesus 1695because of the undeniable ambiguity of the scriptural record. Such ambiguity 1696is not apparent to children or fanatics, but every recognized Bible scholar 1697is perfectly aware of it. Some Christians, alas, resort to formal lying to 1698obscure such reality. 1699 -- Steve Allen 1700% 1701... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half, 1702and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps ... 1703% 1704... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot 1705be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin to the 1706benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The latter 1707is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing with 1708him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch 1709of knuckles. 1710 -- Harlan Ellison 1711% 1712... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, 1713you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of 1714fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating 1715stunts to win the approval of the Republican Right. For example, they 1716had him make a speech oozing praise all over William Loeb, deceased 1717publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader and Slime Journalist. 1718Loeb had dumped viciously all over George in the 1980 New Hampshire 1719primary. But when the Right held a big tribute for Loeb, George came 1720back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped around his 1721neck. 1722 -- Dave Barry, "The Twinkie and the Squid" 1723% 1724... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse 1725is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the 17261950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was 1727considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever 1728showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts 1729would have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the 1730overall effect was no more explicit than many publications we think 1731nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking 1732Through Swimsuits Issue. 1733 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 1734% 1735... The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil 1736out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge. 1737 -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19 1738% 1739... which the Minstrel was supposed by some authorities to have composed 1740beneath the gibbet at Elsdon on the occasion of his hanging, drawing and 1741quartering for misguidedly climbing into bed with Sir Oswald Capheughton's 1742wife, Lady Fleur, when that noble lord was not only in it, but in her at 1743the same time. Minstrel Flawse's introduction of himself into Sir Oswald 1744had met with that reaction known as dog-knotting on the part of all 1745concerned... 1746I gan noo wha ma organs gan 1747When oft I lay abed I should ha' known 'twas never Fleur 1748So rither hang me upside doon That smelt so mooch of sweat 1749Than by ma empty head. For she was iver sweet and pure 1750 And iver her purse was wet. 1751But old Sir Oswald allus stank 1752Of horse and hound and dung So hang me noo fra' Elsdon tree 1753And when I chose to breech his rank And draw ma innards out 1754Was barrel to my bung. That all the wald around may see 1755 What I have done without. 1756But ere ye come to draw ma heart 1757Na do it all so quick So prick 'em wet or prick 'em dry 1758But prise the arse of Oswald 'part 'Tis all the same to me 1759And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die 1760 Afore I have a pee. 1761 -- Tom Sharpe, "The Ballad of Prick 'Em Dry" 1762% 17631. The sport of choice for the low skill level employees is: BASKETBALL. 17642. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: BOWLING. 17653. The sport of choice for front-line workers is: FOOTBALL. 17664. The sport of choice for supervisors is: BASEBALL. 17675. The sport of choice for middle management is: TENNIS. 17686. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: GOLF. 1769 1770AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller 1771your balls. 1772% 177310 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: 1774 1775 1. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up. 1776 2. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds. 1777 3. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling. 1778 4. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry. 1779 5. A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor. 1780 6. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits. 1781 7. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining. 1782 8. A beer won't leave you for a younger woman. 1783 9. A beer won't leave you for a younger man either. 178410. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow. 1785% 178610 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: 1787 1788 1. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling. 1789 2. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' 1790 quarterback. 1791 3. A beer won't even act amazed if you can. 1792 4. You don't have to let a beer win. 1793 5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to 1794 sleep with it, too. 1795 6. A beer helps with the housework. 1796 7. A beer will never fumble with your bra. 1797 8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it. 1798 9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children. 179910. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom. 1800% 180110 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: 1802 1803 1. Having a beer can't make you pregnant. 1804 2. A beer wouldn't trade you in on a sports car. 1805 3. If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you. 1806 4. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers. 1807 5. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine. 1808 6. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer. 1809 7. A beer won't switch the TV channel. 1810 8. A beer doesn't snore. 1811 9. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator. 181210. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat. 1813% 181410 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: 1815 1816 1. Beer understands the difference between shooting down an unidentified 1817 aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky. 1818 2. A beer would never own a car with an automatic transmission. 1819 3. A beer never fishes for compliments. 1820 4. Beer tastes good. 1821 5. A beer can enjoy an evening of watching "Johnny-the-Wadd-Holmes' Greatest 1822 Hits" as much as you do. 1823 6. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it. 1824 7. A beer won't ask you to pick up some tampons when you go to the store. 1825 8. Beer never asks you to change the station. 1826 9. A beer won't fill up your 'Vette with 85-octane gas because it's twenty 1827 cents less expensive. 182810. A beer won't make you eat experimental vegetarian meals that taste 1829 like grass. 1830% 183110 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: 1832 1833 1. You can enjoy a beer all month. 1834 2. Beer stains wash out. 1835 3. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month. 1836 4. Beer never makes you wait. 1837 5. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer. 1838 6. Beer doesn't have a lawyer "in the family". 1839 7. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath. 1840 8. Beer doesn't demand equality. 1841 9. Beer labels come off without a fight. 184210. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left. 1843% 184415 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: 1845 1846 1. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook. 1847 2. Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common. 1848 3. A beer won't steal all the covers. 1849 4. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink all your beer. 1850 5. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car. 1851 6. A beer doesn't buy everything labeled "turbo". 1852 7. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes. 1853 8. A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky. 1854 9. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first. 185510. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer. 185611. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer. 185712. A beer won't talk about the women who had it before you. 185813. A beer's life does not revolve around the world series. 185914. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer. 186015. A beer will NEVER call you "Babe". Or "Sugar". 1861% 186218th Rule of Friendship: 1863 A friend will let you hold the ladder while he goes up on the roof 1864 to install your new aerial, which is the biggest son-of-a-bitch you 1865 ever saw. 1866 -- Esquire, May 1977 1867% 186820 REASONS WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A MAN 1869 1. A beer never leaves the toilet seat up. 1870 2. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling. 1871 3. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining. 1872 4. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer. 1873 5. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow. 1874 6. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers. 1875 7. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator. 1876 8. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat. 1877 9. A beer won't steal the covers. 187810. A beer doesn't buy everything labeled "turbo". 187911. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer. 188012. A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you. 188113. A beer tastes good. 188214. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling. 188315. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' quarterback. 188416. You don't have to let a beer win. 188517. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first. 188618. A beer will never call you "Babe". Or "Sugar-hips". 188719. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook. 188820. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes. 1889% 1890667 -- The neighbor of the beast. 1891% 189268: 1893 Do me now and I'll owe you one. 1894% 18956802 hackers make great use of the SEX instruction. 1896% 189769 + 69 = dinner for 4. 1898% 189971: 1900 69 with two fingers up your ass. 1901 -- George Carlin 1902% 19037:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 1904 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National 1905 Redwood Forest. 1906 19077:30, Channel 8: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 1908 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the 1909 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus. 1910% 19118 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: 1912 1913 1. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod. 1914 2. A beer doesn't care when you come. 1915 3. Beer doesn't have a mother. 1916 4. Beer doesn't need much closet space. 1917 5. A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Playboy 1918 "just for the articles". 1919 6. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks. 1920 7. Beer doesn't always want to go to the 'powder room' with everyone 1921 else's beer. 1922 8. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't 1923 make you ill. 1924% 1925A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch. He'd been prospecting for 1926more than a year. 1927 "Hey! Y'got any wimmen around here?" 1928 "Nope," the bartender replied, "But there's George in the back room." 1929 "I don't go for that kind of thing," the prospector scowled. He 1930downed his drink and left disgustedly. 1931A few months passed before the miner found his way down the mountain again. 1932He stumbled into the tavern and asked the bartender, "Any wimmen pass through 1933this part of town?" 1934 "Nope. Nary a one. But we still got George in the back room." 1935 Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of 1936thing," and turned on his heel and left. 1937 Within a year he came back from his mine again. With a wild look on 1938his face he re-entered the saloon. Leaning over the bar he whispered to the 1939bartender, "If I was to go into the back room with George, how many people 1940'round here would know?" 1941 "Oh," the bartender said, scratching his chin, "'bout seven, I guess." 1942 "Seven!?" 1943 "Yep. You, me, George, and the four men holdin' him down. You see, 1944George don't go for that kind of thing neither." 1945% 1946A 6'8", 280-pound Southerner walked into a NY bar, sat down next to a 1947patron, and said, "Ah'm big, and ah'm bad, and I *loves* to fuck Northern 1948women!" The guy was so terrified that he put down his beer and ran out 1949of the bar. 1950 The Rebel moved over to the next guy and said, "Ah'm big and ah'm 1951bad and I *loves* to fuck New York women." The guy took one look at him, 1952blanched and ran out of the bar. 1953 The man then went over to a short little guy with "Bronx" written 1954all over him. "Ah'm big and ah'm bad and I *loves* to fuck your sister." 1955 The short guy looked him up and down and said, "I don't blame 1956you one bit. She's *got* to be an improvement on yours." 1957% 1958A bad little girl in Madrid, 1959A most reprehensible kid, 1960 Told her Tante Louise 1961 That her cunt smelled like cheese, 1962And the worst of it was that it did! 1963% 1964A bar patron returned from the men's room grumbling to himself. 1965 "What's the trouble, buddy?" the bartender inquired. 1966 "You got John Wayne toilet paper in there!" 1967 "What do you mean?" the barkeeper asked. 1968 "It's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take shit from nobody." 1969% 1970A bather whose clothing was strewed 1971By breezes that left her quite nude, 1972 Saw a man come along 1973 And, unless I'm quite wrong, 1974You expected this line to be lewd. 1975% 1976A beachcomber of 25 had been shipwrecked on a desert island since the age of 1977six. One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a beautifully 1978sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she'd been washed ashore from 1979another shipwreck that morning. After they got over their initial surprise 1980at seeing each other, the girl wanted to know how long he had been alone on 1981this barren bit of land. 1982 "Almost twenty years," he answered. 1983 "Twenty years!" she exclaimed. "But how ever did you survive?" 1984 "Oh, I fish, dig for clams, and gather berries and coconuts," he 1985replied. 1986 "And what do you do for sex?" she asked. 1987 "What's that?" He looked puzzled. 1988 Whereupon the maiden pulled the innocent young man down onto the sand 1989beside her and proceeded to demonstrate. After they had finished, she asked 1990how he had enjoyed it. 1991 "Great!" was the reply. "But look what it did to my clamdigger!" 1992% 1993A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? 1994I am not I, I'm a tree." 1995 But another, more sane, 1996 Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" 1997And covered his pants leg with pee. 1998% 1999A beautiful belle of Del Norte 2000Is reckoned disdainful and haughty 2001 Because during the day 2002 She says: "Boys, keep away!" 2003But she fucks in the gloaming like forty. 2004% 2005A beautiful lady named Psyche 2006Is loved by a fellow named Ikey. 2007 One thing about Ike 2008 The lady can't like 2009Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey. 2010% 2011A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and 2012purgatory for the purse. 2013% 2014A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor takes 2015one look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right 2016away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her 2017thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?" 2018 "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological 2019abnormalities." 2020 "Correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. 2021"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says. 2022 "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast 2023cancer." 2024 "That's right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to 2025having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants, "what I'm doing 2026now?" 2027 "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes." 2028% 2029A beetling young woman named Pridgets 2030Had a violent abhorrence of midgets; 2031 Off the end of a wharf 2032 She once pushed a dwarf 2033Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets. 2034 -- Edward Gorey 2035% 2036A big store buyer had been on the road for nearly two months. Each week he 2037would send his wife a telegram saying, 2038 "Can't come home yet. Still buying." 2039His wife knew that these buying trips usually involved more than business. 2040She tolerated this particular jaunt for a while, but when the third month 2041rolled by and she'd still seen nothing of her husband but the weekly telegrams, 2042she wired him, 2043 "Better come home. I'm selling what you're buying." 2044% 2045A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression 2046Sold cigars at a key-club concession. 2047 When she swiveled about 2048 Even strong men cried out, 2049For her costume did not keep her flesh in. 2050% 2051A bisexual chap name of Lunt 2052Taught himself an unusual stunt. 2053 He could peel back his spout 2054 Turn the skin inside out 2055Like a glove, to be used as a cunt! 2056% 2057A bisexual is a man who likes girls as well as the next fellow. 2058% 2059A blind rabbit was hopping through the woods, tripping over logs and crashing 2060into trees. At the same time, a blind snake was slithering through the same 2061forest, with identical results. They chanced to collide head-on in a clearing. 2062 "Please excuse me, sir, I'm blind and I bumped into you accidentally," 2063apologized the rabbit. 2064 "That's quite all right," replied the snake, "I have the same 2065problem!" 2066 "All my life I've been wondering what I am," said the rabbit, "Do 2067you think you could help me find out?" 2068 "I'll try," said the snake. He gently coiled himself around the 2069rabbit. "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have a little fluffy tail 2070and long ears. You're... hmmm... you're probably a bunny rabbit!" 2071 "Great!" said the rabbit. "Thanks, I really owe you one!" 2072 "Well," replied the snake, "I don't know what I am, either. Do you 2073suppose you could try and tell me?" 2074 The rabbit ran his paws all over the snake. "Well, you're low, cold 2075and slimey..." And, as he ran one paw underneath the snake, "and you have 2076no balls. You must be an attorney!" 2077% 2078A bobby of Nottingham Junction 2079Whose organ had long ceased to function 2080 Deceived his good wife 2081 For the rest of her life 2082With the aid of his constable's truncheon. 2083% 2084A broken-down harlot named Tupps 2085Was heard to confess in her cups: 2086 "The height of my folly 2087 Was diddling a collie- 2088But I got a nice price for the pups." 2089% 2090A bureaucracy is like a septic tank -- all the really big shits float 2091to the top. 2092% 2093A burlesque dancer, a pip 2094Named Virginia, could peel in a zip; 2095 But she read science fiction 2096 And died of constriction 2097Attempting a Moebius strip. 2098 -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology" 2099% 2100A businessman was awe-struck by the beautiful redhead at the hotel bar. 2101Seeing his interest, she quietly informed him that she was a prostitute 2102and that her price was $500. He was taken aback by the price, but after 2103a few minutes of thought he took her up to his room. She spent a few 2104minutes in the bathroom and was shocked when she came out to see him 2105masturbating furiously on the bed. "What are you doing?", she asked. 2106 "Baby, for $500, you're not going to get the easy one!" 2107% 2108A busy young lady named Gloria 2109Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier 2110 And then by six men, 2111 Sir Gerald again, 2112And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. 2113% 2114A cabin boy on an old clipper 2115Grew steadily flipper and flipper. 2116 He plugged up his ass 2117 With fragments of glass 2118And thus circumcised his old skipper. 2119% 2120A Catholic and a Methodist were carpooling to work one morning, when a brick 2121fell out of the sky, which startled the driver and caused him to swerve off 2122the road and into a telephone pole, totaling the car. 2123 The two stumbled out of the wreckage, both feeling quite fortunate 2124to be alive. The Catholic crossed himself. Then the Protestant crossed 2125himself in an accentuated manner. 2126 "Hey," said the Catholic, "Why did you cross yourself, you're not 2127Catholic!" 2128 "Just checking," replied his friend, crossing himself again, 2129"spectacles, testicles, wallet, pen." 2130% 2131A cautious young fellow named Lodge, 2132Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. 2133 With his date all strapped in 2134 He committed a sin 2135Without even leaving the garage. 2136 -- "A Boy and His Dog" 2137% 2138A cautious young fellow named Tunney 2139Had a whang that was worth any money. 2140 When eased in half-way, 2141 The girl's sigh made him say, 2142"Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey." 2143% 2144A certain bartender decided to try to get a few new customers into his bar 2145by starting a gimmick involving a horse. His claim was that if anyone could 2146get the horse to laugh, he would give them drinks on the house. The idea 2147worked well and business improved until one night a young man walked in and 2148whispered in the horse's ear. The horse immediately burst into hysterical 2149laughter and the man won the contest. The next night the same thing 2150happened: the man whispered in the horse's ear and the horse burst out 2151laughing. The next night, the bartender decided to change the rules. Now, 2152a person had to get the horse to cry in order to win the drinks on the 2153house. Later on that night, the same guy came in and said "Can I take the 2154horse into the bathroom for a minute? I promise I'll make him cry." The 2155bartender agreed and sure enough, when the man came out leading the horse, 2156the horse was crying his eyes out. The bartender could take it no more and 2157said, "How did you make him laugh the other two nights?" 2158 "I told him that my dick was bigger than his", replied the man. 2159 "How did you make him cry tonight?" 2160 "I proved it." 2161% 2162A certain young man, it was noted, 2163Went about in the heat thickly-coated; 2164 He said, "You may scoff, 2165 But I shan't take it off; 2166Underneath I am horribly bloated." 2167 -- Edward Gorey 2168% 2169A certain young person of Ghent, 2170Uncertain if lady or gent, 2171 Shows his organs at large 2172 For a small handling charge 2173To assist him in paying the rent. 2174% 2175A certain young sheik of Algiers 2176Said to his harem, "My dears, 2177 Though you may think it odd of me, 2178 I'm tired of just sodomy 2179Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!) 2180% 2181A chap down in Oklahoma 2182Had a cock that could sing La Paloma, 2183 But the sweetness of pitch 2184 Couldn't put off the hitch 2185Of impotence, size and aroma. 2186% 2187A charmer from old Amarillo, 2188Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow, 2189 Decided one day 2190 That to keep men away 2191She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo. 2192% 2193A chippy who worked in Black Bluff 2194Had a pussy as large as a muff. 2195 It had room for both hands 2196 And some intimate glands, 2197And was soft as a little duck's fluff. 2198% 2199A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party. 2200% 2201A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on 2202Saturday and is going to do on Monday. 2203 -- Thomas Ybarra 2204% 2205A clergical student named Simms 2206Hums liturgical tunes while he rims: 2207 A nice piece of ass 2208 Gets the B-Minor Mass ... 2209All the others get Anglican hymns. 2210% 2211A clerical student named Pryne 2212Through pain sought to reach the divine: 2213 He wore a hair shirt, 2214 Quite often ate dirt, 2215And bathed every Friday in brine. 2216 -- Edward Gorey 2217% 2218A clever young man named Eugene 2219Invented a jack-off machine. 2220 On the twenty-third stroke 2221 The fuckin' thing broke 2222And beat both his balls to a creame. 2223% 2224A clitoris is a lot like Antarctica; 2225most men know it's there, but few really care. 2226% 2227A cocksucking steno named Beeman 2228Remarked as she swallowed my semen: 2229 "On my minuscule salary 2230 I must watch every calorie, 2231So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!" 2232% 2233A computer called Illiac4 2234Had a rather tough bug in its core. 2235 It chewed up its cards 2236 And spewed yards and yards 2237Of illegible tape on the floor. 2238% 2239A contortionist hailing from Lynch 2240Used to rent out his tool by the inch. 2241 A foot cost a quid -- 2242 He could and he did 2243Stretch it to three in a pinch. 2244% 2245A corpulent maiden named Kroll 2246Had a notion exceedingly droll: 2247 At a masquerade ball, 2248 Dressed in nothing at all, 2249She backed in as a Parker House roll. 2250% 2251A couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good. 2252 2253 [something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack? Ed.] 2254% 2255A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by 2256chance their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his father left 2257to buy popcorn, the boy piped up, 2258 "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?" 2259 "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied. 2260 "No, not that." 2261 "Oh, that's the elephant's tail." 2262 "No, Mom. Down underneath." 2263 His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing." 2264 Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get 2265a soda. As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question. 2266 "That's the elephant's trunk, son." 2267 "Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing at the 2268other end." 2269 "Oh, that's the elephant's tail." 2270 "No. Down there." 2271 The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's 2272penis." 2273 "Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?" 2274 The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've *spoiled* 2275that woman." 2276% 2277A couple was fishing near Clombe 2278When the maid began looking quite glum, 2279 And said, "Bother the fish! 2280 I'd rather coish!" 2281Which they did -- which was why they had come. 2282% 2283A cowhand way out in Seattle 2284Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle. 2285 He said, "No, I can't fuck 2286 A lamb or a duck, 2287But golly! it just fits the cattle." 2288% 2289A CS student named Lin 2290Had a prick the size of a pin 2291 It was no good for girls 2292 But just great for squirrels 2293Who squealed with delight with it in. 2294% 2295A cute little twerp from Samoa 2296Had a cock of one inch and no moa. 2297 It was good for keyholes 2298 And debutantes' peeholes 2299But not worth a damn on a whoa. 2300% 2301A daredevil skater named Lowe, 2302Leaps barrels arranged in the snow, 2303 But is proudest of doing, 2304 Some incredible screwing, 2305Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row! 2306% 2307A deep-throated virgin named Netty 2308Was sucking a cock on the jetty. 2309 She said, "It tastes nice, 2310 Much better than rice, 2311Though not quite as good as spaghetti." 2312% 2313A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine. 2314 -- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy" 2315% 2316A delighted, incredulous bride 2317Remarked to her groom at her side: 2318 "I never could quite 2319 Believe till tonight 2320Our anatomies would coincide." 2321% 2322A dentist, young doctor Malone, 2323Got a charming girl patient alone, 2324 And, in his depravity, 2325 Filled the wrong cavity. 2326God, how his practice has grown. 2327% 2328A despairing old landlord named Fyfe, 2329With a frigid and quarrelsome wife, 2330 Let his third-story front, 2331 To a willing young cunt, 2332Who supplied him a new lease on life! 2333% 2334A desperate spinster from Clare 2335Once knelt in the moonlight all bare, 2336 And prayed to her God 2337 For a romp on the sod-- 2338'Twas a passerby answered her prayer. 2339% 2340A distinguished professor from Swarthmore 2341Got along with a sexy young sophomore. 2342 As quick as a glance 2343 He stripped off his pants, 2344But he found that the sophomore'd got off more. 2345% 2346A doctoral student from Buckingham 2347Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. 2348 But a dropout from paree 2349 Taught him Gamahuchee 2350- so he added a footnote on sucking 'em. 2351% 2352A doctoral student from Buckingham 2353Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. 2354 But a dropout from paree 2355 Taught him Gamahuchee 2356So he added a footnote on sucking 'em. 2357% 2358A do-it-yourselfer named Alice, 2359Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. 2360 She blew her vagina 2361 To South Carolina, 2362And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas. 2363 2364A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill, 2365Used two dynamite sticks for a dil. 2366 They found her vagina, 2367 In South Carolina, 2368And part of her ass in Brazil. 2369% 2370A dolly in Dallas named Alice, 2371Whose overworked sex is all callous, 2372 Wore the foreskin away 2373 On uncircumcised Ray, 2374Through exuberance, tightness, and malice. 2375% 2376A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis 2377Wished to foster an aura of menace; 2378 To make people afraid 2379 He wore gloves of grey suede 2380And white footgear intended for tennis. 2381 -- Edward Gorey 2382% 2383A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis 2384Wished to foster an aura of menace. 2385 To make people afraid 2386 He wore gloves of grey suede 2387And white footgear intended for tennis. 2388 -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey" 2389% 2390A drunk was sitting at the end of the bar in a popular singles' place, 2391watching a young, good-looking man working his way through the women. The 2392guy didn't appear to be having much luck, and he was only spending a few 2393moments with each woman. As he worked his way closer, while he couldn't 2394hear what the young man was saying, he realized that the women were somewhat 2395shocked at his approach. Finally, the man approaches a pretty brunette and 2396they hit it off immediately. After a bit of quiet conversation, she handed 2397the young man her hotel key and they started off for the elevators. As they 2398passed the drunk, he stopped the lucky one and asked him what his method was. 2399 "Well," the man replied, "It's simple. You say 'Tickle your ass 2400with a feather?' If she sounds interested, you take it from there. If she 2401sounds angry, you smile and say 'Typically nasty weather.'" 2402 The drunk says "Ohhhhh, got it, I got it!" and walks over to a woman 2403at the end of the bar to try out his new approach. Getting her attention, 2404he smiles and says "Fuck me!" 2405 "What?!?!?" she screams. 2406 "Raining like hell, isn't it?" 2407% 2408A friend of mine received a note through the mail advising him, 2409 "If you don't stop making love to my wife, I'll kill you." 2410The trouble is, the note wasn't signed. 2411% 2412A friend with weed is a friend indeed. 2413% 2414A friendly message from your Internal Revenue Service: tax time is 2415coming again soon. Bend over. 2416% 2417A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas and how 2418hard it was to get any sleep. 2419 "I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a 2420drunken chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled. 2421 "That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?" 2422 "At five o'clock I unlocked the door and let her out." 2423% 2424A game can by God repent or we'll punish it. 2425That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century, 2426and that's how we'll do it now. 2427 -- Dick Hamlet 2428% 2429A genius is a queer who can whistle while he works. 2430 -- Bobby Knight 2431% 2432A gorgeous young sophomore is having an affair with her English 2433professor. She goes home to visit her family for Christmas vacation 2434and when she gets back, she immediately invites him over for the 2435night. As soon as he walks through the door she hugs him and 2436asks, "Were you blue while I was away?" 2437 "Blown, my dear," the professor corrects her, "blown." 2438% 2439A grade school teacher, who was doing a unit on World War II heard that 2440the father of one of her students had been a fighter pilot during the war 2441with one of the Scandinavian Air Forces. She invited him to come in and 2442speak to the class. The guy was more than happy to talk, and began with 2443a story about a morning patrol where he had been nearly shot down. 2444 "We had been up for about 20 minutes flying over enemy held 2445territory, when we noticed, just in time, 3 Fokkers diving on us from above." 2446At the first mention of `Fokkers' the class giggled a little bit. 2447 "Our group broke formation, and began the dog-fighting. As we 2448fought, we noticed 2 more Fokkers coming at us from above and 2 more 2449Fokkers, fresh from the landing field, come to join the battle". 2450At this second and third mention of `Fokkers' the class was almost laughing 2451openly, and the teacher interrupted the story to ask the pilot to explain 2452to the class that a 'Fokker' was a particular type of plane flown by the 2453German Air Force. 2454 He replied, "Ya, dat is true, but these Fokkers were Messerschmitts." 2455% 2456A group of scientists discovered an apelike creature in the jungle, which 2457they hoped would prove to be the missing link. The proof of their theory, 2458however, required that a human mate with the animal so that they could see 2459what characteristics the offspring would assume. Needing volunteers, the 2460scientists placed an ad in the paper: "$5000 to mate with ape." 2461 Almost immediately, they received response from a man who said he 2462would be willing to take part in the experiment, with three conditions. 2463 "First," he said, "my wife must never know. Second, any children 2464must be baptized. And, third, I'd have to pay in installments." 2465% 2466A guest in a household quite charmless 2467Was informed its eccentric was harmless: 2468 "If you're caught unawares 2469 At the head of the stairs, 2470Just remember, he's eyeless and armless." 2471 -- Edward Gorey 2472% 2473A guy comes into a bar with a frog and sets it down next to the prettiest 2474girl there. 2475 "This is a very special frog," he informs her. "His name is Charlie." 2476 "What's so special about this frog?" she asks. 2477He's reluctant to tell her, but when pressed, explains that, 2478 "This frog can eat pussy." 2479The girl slaps him, knocking him off his chair, and accuses him of telling her 2480a filthy lie. But no, he assures her, it's completely true. And after much 2481discussion, she agrees to come back to his apartment to see the frog in action. 2482She positions herself appropriately, the guy carefully takes out the frog, and 2483says, "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!" The frog is immobile, despite his 2484owner's exhortations, and the girl starts to snicker. 2485 "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!" 2486 "C'mon Charlie, do your stuff!" 2487By now, the girl is laughing openly. 2488 "Okay, Charlie," says the guy, moving the frog out of the way, "I'm 2489only going to show you one more time." 2490% 2491A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, carries it to the bathroom and dumps it 2492into a urinal. Over the course of the next few hours, he goes back to the bar 2493and repeats this sequence -- several times. Finally the bartender got so 2494curious that he leaned over the bar and asked him what he was doing. 2495 Replied the customer, "Avoiding the middleman." 2496% 2497A habit depraved and unsavory 2498Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery 2499 Midst screeches and howls 2500 He deflowered young owls 2501Which he kept in an underground aviary 2502% 2503A habit obscene and bizarre, 2504Has taken a-hold of papa. 2505 He brings home young camels 2506 And other odd mammals, 2507And gives them a go at mama. 2508% 2509A habit obscene and unsavory, 2510Holds a CS professor in slavery. 2511 With maniacal howls, 2512 He deflowers young owls, 2513That he keeps in an underground aviary. 2514% 2515A hacker who screwed a mag tape 2516Was caught and convicted of rape. 2517 To jail he did go, 2518 From which, to his woe 2519He couldn't get out with ESC. 2520% 2521A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk 2522Made love to the drive of his disk. 2523 The thing circumsized him, 2524 Which rather surprised him. 2525He wasn't aware of *that* risk. 2526% 2527A hand in a bird is worth two on 'er bush. 2528% 2529A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird. 2530% 2531A hard man is good to find. 2532% 2533A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top 2534of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work. 2535 -- Adolf Hitler 2536% 2537A huge Rambolike fellow walked into a tavern and took a seat in the middle of 2538the bar. After downing a double in one gulp, he glared at the six men to his 2539right and said, "You're all no-good motherfuckers. Anyone have a problem with 2540that?" 2541 When no one said a word, the brawny fellow ordered another whiskey, 2542downed it in one gulp, turned to the five men on his left and said, "You're 2543all cocksuckers. Anyone have a problem with that?" 2544 Everybody on the left stared silently into his drink. Suddenly, a man 2545on the right stood up and started walking toward the big guy. "Hey, asshole!" 2546the thug bellowed. "You got a problem with what I said?" 2547 "No problem at all," came the reply. "I was just sitting at the wrong 2548end of the bar." 2549% 2550A hunter saved a native boy from a boa constrictor. In gratitude, the boy gave 2551the hunter a magic gorilla prick. The lad said the prick would do anything you 2552told it to do until you told it to do something else. When the hunter returned 2553home to England, he put the magic gorilla prick on the mantle along with some 2554of his other trophies. His wife thought it quaint and his story charming. But 2555soon, the hunter went a-safariing again. He was away for months. One evening, 2556the woman eyed the MGP carefully and whispered, "Gorilla Prick, fuck me." 2557Whereupon the thing jumped off the mantle and began to bang her with great 2558thoroughness and ferocity. For the first twenty minutes it was pure heaven, 2559but after the next few minutes it became fatiguing, and she said, "Stop it, 2560Gorilla Prick," but it didn't. After a bit more she was screaming "Stop! 2561Stop!" at the thing and trying to pull it out of her smoking hole. But nothing 2562worked. Finally, the butler bursts into the room, summoned by her screams. 2563 "Saunders, help me please!" 2564 "But what is it, Madame?" 2565 "It's a Magic Gorilla Prick!" 2566 "Gorilla prick, my ass!! ... AAAaaeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiii!!!!!!" 2567% 2568A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When 2569she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair. The man shouted, 2570"What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there." 2571 The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?" 2572% 2573A lisping fag fell off a pleasure yacht and began to scream. "Help! Help, I 2574can't thwim!" One of the other passengers heard the caterwauling and leaned 2575over the rail, remarking, "Really, there's no need to scream. Just reach out 2576and grab that buoy near you." To which the floundering sodomite answered, 2577"Buoy! Oh, thith ith no time for thekth, you degenerate... I'm dwowning!" 2578% 2579A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul. 2580 -- Norman Mailer 2581% 2582A little Mexican boy comes home from school one day and says to his grand- 2583father, "Granddaddy, today my teacher said that Pancho Villa, the bandit 2584used to raid towns around here! Did you ever know him?" 2585 "Do *I* know Pancho Villa?" exclaims the man. "Why, boy, before 2586your father was born, I was riding into town on my horse. Suddenly, from 2587behind the bushes leaped Pancho with his six-guns drawn! He told me to get 2588down off the horse and to give him all my money. Then, he told me to scoop 2589some manure from the ground and eat it!" 2590 "I refused at first, but Pancho had the guns, so I ate the shit. 2591And he started laughing so hard that it scared his horse into rearing up -- 2592I grabbed the guns from his hands! I said to Pancho, `Okay, Pancho, now 2593it's your turn -- you eat the shit!' I had the guns, so he ate the shit. 2594 "And you ask me, child, if I know Pancho Villa, the bandit! Why, 2595we had *lunch* together!" 2596% 2597A lively case was in progress in the District Court at Lick Skillet. Judge 2598Flannery was presiding, and on the witness stand was Tush Bumpass. 2599 "From where ah was standin'", drawled Tush, "Ah could see he'd 2600backed 'er up agin' thet there wall, and ef Ah ever sawed a screwin' match, 2601thet one wuz!" 2602 "Mr. Bumpass," the Judge interrupted, "I'd prefer that you not use 2603the word 'screw' in the courtroom. Say 'intercourse' instead." 2604 Tush looked puzzled. "Intercourse? Whut's thet, Judge?" 2605 His Honor sighed. "It's a technicality of language that you're 2606probably not aware of. Never mind. Please continue." 2607 "Well, like ah said, he had 'er shoved up agin' thet wall, an' he 2608was... uh... intercoursin' 'er, an' he give 'er the crossjostle, the Chicago 2609Stroke, an' she let out with a holler thet..." 2610 "One moment," interrupted the Bench. "What is this, ah, Chicago 2611Stroke, Mr. Bumpass?" 2612 "Well, thet's a technicality of screwin', Judge, thet you're probably 2613not aware of!" 2614% 2615A man and a woman got married. Although it is the first time for the 2616husband, it is the woman's second marriage. As they go to bed on their 2617wedding night, the wife says to her husband: 2618 2619 "Dear, there's something I must tell you. I'm a virgin." 2620Naturally, the husband is surprised. 2621 "You've been married before!", he says, "How can you still be a 2622virgin?" 2623 "Well, it's all quite simple," she retorted, "my husband was a 2624computer programmer." 2625 "What's so odd about that?", he asked. "Why would you still be 2626a virgin after a marriage to a programmer?" 2627 "Well", she said, "all he did was sit on the edge of the bed and 2628tell me how great it was going to be." 2629% 2630A man goes into a hospital for a routine appendectomy. When he wakes up 2631from the anesthesia, he sees a large group of doctors gathered anxiously 2632around his bed. 2633 "What happened?" he asks worriedly. 2634 "Well," says one of the doctors, "there was a small clerical error, 2635and you got mixed-up with another patient. Instead of an appendectomy, we 2636performed a sex-change operation. Your penis has been removed and a vagina 2637has been crafted into place." 2638 "WHAT!!!" screams the man. "That's horrible! What am I going to 2639tell my wife? Can't you reverse it? This means I'm never going to experience 2640another erection!" 2641 "Well, you will, you *will*," reassures the doctor, "but it will, of 2642course, have to be someone else's." 2643% 2644A man is driving down the road on his way to Salerno. By the roadside he 2645sees a man hitchhiking and stops to pick him up. As the man gets into his 2646car he suddenly pulls out a gun and makes the driver get out of the car. 2647 "All right, buddy," says the man, "I want to you jerk off." 2648 "What!?" says the man, disbelievingly. 2649 "Go ahead, do it!" says the hitchhiker. 2650 So the driver masturbates, and when he is through, says, "All right, 2651I did what you wanted, can I go now?" 2652 "Nope," says the hijacker. "Do it again." 2653 "Again?" the driver exclaims. "I just did it." 2654 "Do it again." 2655 It takes a little longer this time, but he manages to come again. 2656Panting, he turns to his tormenter and again asks if he can leave. 2657 "Yes," the man replies, "but only after you've done it one more 2658time." 2659 The guy is really scared now; he's starting to sweat. It takes him 2660twenty minutes, this time, but he finally comes a third time. 2661 "Listen, buddy, can I please leave now?" 2662 "Yeah," says the man, lowering his gun. "And this is my daughter; 2663I want you to drive her into Salerno." 2664% 2665A man is marooned on a desert island with a female sheep and a male Doberman 2666for companionship. The animals soon get it on sexually, and all goes well 2667until the man becomes unbearably horny and makes his move for the ewe, at 2668which point the dog interposes himself, snarling, fangs bared. Months later, 2669a raft drifts into sight. The sailor swims out, finds a beautiful girl on it, 2670takes her to shore and feeds and comforts her. 2671 "You are so good to me," she responds gratefully. "I'd do absolutely 2672anything to show my gratitude." 2673 "Would you?" smiles the sailor as he unfastens the length of rope 2674that holds up his ragged pants. "Well, then, here -- use this as a leash 2675and take that damn dog for a walk!" 2676% 2677A man is playing golf at a very exclusive country club when he hits a hole- 2678in-one. As he takes his ball from the cup, a genie appears. 2679 "Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish. What 2680is your heart's desire?" 2681 "Great!", replies the man. I want a longer penis." 2682 "Your wish is granted," says the genie, and promptly disappears. 2683 As the golfer continues through the rest of the course he can 2684feel his penis slowly growing, to an extent that it's becoming uncomfortable. 2685By the time he completes the 18th hole it's extended down his pants leg to 2686his knee. Thinking to himself that this isn't quite what he had in mind, he 2687grabs a bucket of balls and heads back out onto the course. Three weeks later, 2688he manages another hole-in-one and the genie reappears. 2689 "Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish. What 2690is your heart's desire?" 2691 "Yeah, I know all that," replies the man. "Listen, could you make 2692my legs longer?" 2693% 2694A man is talking to his wife when he mentions that there's a "Big Dick" 2695contest at one of the bars in town and the prize for the winner is $1000. 2696 "Oh, honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that thing 2697out in public!" 2698 "But baby," he says, "$1000 is a lot of money." 2699 "I don't care!" she says, stamping her foot. "I don't want you 2700showing that thing to everybody." 2701 And the subject isn't mentioned again, until the following evening 2702when he hands her $1000. 2703 "Did you enter the contest, even after I told you I didn't want 2704you to?" she asks. 2705 "Please forgive me, turtle dove," he says. "I thought we could use 2706the money." 2707 "You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says, 2708tears welling up in her eyes. 2709 "Only enough to win, honey, only enough to win." 2710% 2711A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy. 2712% 2713A man never minds being in the doghouse 2714as long as he can get his tail outside. 2715% 2716A man rushed into a bar and breathlessly asked the bartender to pour him 2717three straight scotches. The bartender complied, and watched as he downed 2718them one after another. 2719 "Why three scotches?" the bartender asked as he paused for breath. 2720 "Well, to be honest, I'm celebrating my first blow-job." 2721 "Hell, congratulations, the next one's on me." 2722 "No, thanks," the young man replied, "if the first three didn't get 2723the taste out of my mouth, I don't think another one will." 2724% 2725A man sat down next to another passenger on a train recently and couldn't 2726help overhearing his conversation out the window with a man standing on 2727the train platform. 2728 "Thanks for putting me up while I was here, Sam," said the passenger. 2729 "Glad to do it," said the other man. 2730 "Thanks for the food and the drinks -- everything was wonderful." 2731 "It was a pleasure," said the man. 2732 "And thank your wife, Sam, she was great," said the passenger, 2733"she was a truly great lay." 2734 The man was rather taken aback by this exchange and he later turned 2735to his fellow passenger and said: "Pardon me sir, but did I understand you 2736to say that your friend's wife was a great lay?" 2737 "Well," said the other passenger, "I didn't REALLY enjoy it. But 2738Sam is a helluva nice guy." 2739% 2740A man walks into the doctor's office and the doctor says to him, "I've got 2741some good news and some bad news." 2742 "Tell me the good news first" the patient replies. 2743 "The good news is that your penis is going to be about two inches 2744longer and about an inch wider," the doctor says. 2745 "That's great!" says his patient. "What's the bad news?" 2746 "Malignant." 2747% 2748A man was playing golf one day when a little frog hopped out the water at a 2749water hazard and croaked, "I am a magic frog, and since you are the 10,000th 2750person to play through here, I'm prepared to offer you one of two magic gifts: 2751First, for a whole year you can have the most fabulous sex life that anyone 2752ever had; beyond your wildest dreams. Or, second, for a whole year you can 2753be the best golfer the world has ever known. Which do you prefer?" The man 2754thought a bit and said that he'd take the golf. Well, the man holed his wood 2755shot from where he was, completed the course in an average of 2 per hole, and 2756went round in 22. Quickly he attracted the attention of the sports world, 2757and became the world's best-known golfer, setting course records wherever 2758he went. A year later he was playing the same course inhabited by the frog, 2759and at the water hazard the frog hopped out and said, "Well, the year is up, 2760and you now revert to the 18-handicap player you were before. But tell me, I 2761was a little surprised that you chose the golf -- I take it your sex life is 2762outstanding?" The man said, "Well, I have no complaints in that department 2763at all, which is why I chose the golf." "How many times did you engage in sex 2764last year?" inquired the frog. The man thought a little and said, "Oh, eight 2765or ten times, I guess." "Damn," said the frog, "that doesn't strike me as very 2766satisfactory." "Oh, I don't know," replied the man, "it doesn't seem so bad 2767for a Catholic priest from a little town in South Dakota." 2768% 2769A man was talking to his best friend about his married life. "You know," he 2770says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to 2771me, but there's *always* that doubt. There's *always* that little doubt." 2772 "Yeah, I know what you mean," his friend replies. 2773 "Well, buddy, I've got to leave on a business trip this weekend, 2774and I wonder... well... would you watch my house while I'm gone? I trust 2775her, it's just that there's *always* that doubt." 2776 The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report. 2777 "I've got some bad news for you," says the friend. "The evening 2778after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. A man 2779got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife. 2780After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him. Then, he 2781took off his shirt and she took off her blouse. And then the light went 2782out." 2783 "*Then* what happened?" said the husband, his eyes opening wide. 2784 "Well, I don't know," replied the friend, "it was too dark to see." 2785 "Damn!" roared the husband. "You see what I mean? There's *always* 2786that doubt!" 2787% 2788A man with no arms walked into a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender 2789shoved the foaming glass in front of him. 2790 "Look," said the customer, "I have no arms -- would you please hold 2791the glass for me? 2792 "Sure," said the bartender. 2793 "If," said the customer, "you'll reach in my right hand coat pocket, 2794you'll find the money for the beer." 2795 The bartender got the money and rang up the bill. 2796 "You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. 2797Where is the men's room?" 2798 "Up the street to the light," said the bartender, "turn left, walk 2799two blocks, and there's a gas station on the corner." 2800% 2801A man's father is very, very old, and the son can't afford very good treatment 2802for him, so he's in a rather shabby, run-down nursing home. One day the son 2803wins a lottery -- and the first thing he does is install his father in the best 2804old age home that money can buy. 2805 On the first day the old man is sitting watching TV, and he starts 2806to lean a little bit to one side. Right away a nurse runs over and gently 2807straightens the old man. A little later he's eating dinner, and when he 2808finishes, he begins to tip a little bit to one side. Another nurse runs 2809over and gently pushes him upright again. 2810 The son visits his father later that evening and asks him how he's 2811being treated. 2812 "It's a wonderful place, son," replies the father. "I really like 2813it here, gourmet food, color TV's in every room, the service is unbelievable, 2814there's just one little problem." 2815 "What's that, Dad?" 2816 "They won't let you fart." 2817% 2818A mathematician named Hall 2819Has a hexahedronical ball, 2820 And the cube of its weight 2821 Times his pecker's, plus eight 2822Is his phone number -- give him a call. 2823% 2824A midget had a date with a very tall girl. It was a quiff-hanger. 2825% 2826"A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a 2827good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious 2828scruples and the police." 2829 -- Mr. Dooley 2830% 2831A mouse was sniffing around in a meadow, when an eagle swooped down, 2832swallowed him whole, and rose up in the air again. The mouse worked 2833his way through until his head was sticking out of the bird's asshole. 2834 "Say, good buddy," he squeaked, "how high up are we, anyway?" 2835 "Oh, about two thousand feet," answered the eagle. 2836 The mouse's eyes bugged out. "Hey, you wouldn't shit me, would you?" 2837% 2838A new lumberjack had just finished his first month in the lonely wilds of 2839Alaska, where there were no women for miles. He finally couldn't take it 2840anymore and nervously asked the foreman what the other men did to relieve 2841the pressure. 2842 "Try the hole in the barrel outside the shower," suggested the 2843foreman. "The other men swear by it." 2844 The lumberjack dubiously tried it out and had the experience of 2845his life. "That barrel is fantastic! Warm! Wet! I'm going to use it 2846every day!" 2847 "Every day but the third Wednesday of the month," one of the 2848other men replied. 2849 "Why not then?" 2850 "That's your day in the barrel." 2851% 2852A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately 2853wrong with a high sense of consistency. 2854 -- J. K. Galbraith 2855% 2856A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms. 2857 -- Phyllis Schlafly 2858% 2859A Norse god decides to assume human form, come down from Valhalla, and check 2860out the local action. He finds himself in the piano bar of Caesar's Boardwalk 2861Regency in Atlantic City, and sits down to sip an Acquavit or two. After a few 2862minutes, an extremely attractive young woman, having been taken with his form 2863and features, sends a drink down to him, then joins him. The chemistry between 2864them is immediate and total. They have the next drink in her room, and spend 2865the night repeatedly making passionate love. The woman has no idea of her 2866partner's true identity; all she knows is he's driving her mad. In the 2867morning, the Norse god jumps into the shower. Reflecting on the previous 2868night he decides that he wants to be honest with his new lover. Without even 2869bothering to wrap himself in a towel, he leaps from the shower into the room, 2870where the woman is still in bed, exhausted. He kneels beside the bed, looks 2871deep into her eyes and says, "Honey, I have something very important to tell 2872you -- I'm Thor!". 2873 The woman looks at him. "You're Thor?", she says. "My inthides feel 2874like grated cheeth!" 2875% 2876A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing 2877sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always 2878married. The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband, 2879to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking 2880risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed: 2881to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings, 2882thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy 2883that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing 2884children. A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised 2885by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males. 2886 -- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality", 2887 attempting to explain the lack of female interest in 2888 pornography. 2889% 2890A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing 2891sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always 2892married. The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband, 2893to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking 2894risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed: 2895to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings, 2896thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy 2897that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing 2898children. A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised 2899by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males. 2900 -- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality", 2901 attempting to explain the lack of female interest in 2902 pornography. 2903% 2904A nuclear family is out golfing one day, when it becomes clear that Dad isn't 2905going to win any trophies, at least on this course. On the 3rd hole, after 2906two miserable bogies, he misses a two foot putt and exclaims, "Shit!" 2907 His wife glances over at their sixteen year old daughter and says 2908nothing. 2909 On the fourth hole Dad tees off with an incredible hook, and, after 2910the inevitable exclamation, his wife reproves him with "Honey!" 2911 This continues on, with his golfing getting worse and his wife getting 2912more and more upset about his language. Finally, on the 17th hole, he again 2913misses a very easy putt. Flinging his club down, he curses the hole, the 2914club, and the sunset, using the word "fuck" for the first time. His wife 2915whirls around and cries, "Honey! Our daughter is standing right next to you!" 2916 Feeling remorseful, but somewhat defensive, he turns to the 2917daughter and says, "Well, Cindy, you've heard that word before, haven't 2918you?" 2919 "Yes," the daughter replies, "but never in anger." 2920% 2921A nymph hits you and steals your virginity. 2922% 2923A pair of suburban couples who had known each other for quite some time 2924talked it over and decided to do a little conjugal swapping. The trade 2925was made the following evening and the newly arranged couples retired to 2926their respective houses. After about an hour of bedroom bliss, one of 2927the wives propped herself up on an elbow, looked at her new partner and 2928said: "Well, I wonder how the boys are getting along?" 2929% 2930A pederastic necrophiliac is a gentleman who is 2931true to the very end of the end of a friend. 2932% 2933A performing octopus could play the piano, the zither and a piccolo, and his 2934trainer wanted him to add the bagpipe to his accomplishments. With this in 2935mind, a bagpipe was placed in the octopus's room, and the trainer awaited 2936results. Hours passed, but no bagpipe music was heard. Since the talented 2937octopus usually learned quickly, the trainer was disturbed. Opening the door 2938the next morning, he asked the octopus, 2939 "Have you learned to play that thing yet?" 2940 "Play it!" retorted the octopus. "I've been trying to lay it all 2941night!" 2942% 2943A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely 2944called a liberal. 2945% 2946A policeman is walking his beat when he finds an inebriated man collapsed 2947against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his 2948hands. He's moaning something about how "They took my car!" Seeing that 2949the man is well-dressed, the officer suspects that he may have a real case 2950of theft on his hands and attempts to question the man. 2951 "What happened to your car?" 2952 "My car, it was right on the end of my key, and those bastards 2953stole it! Please officer, get my Porsche back. My God, it was right on 2954the end of my key! Where is it? They stole it and it was right here; 2955right on my key!" 2956 "OK, OK, stand up, we'll see what we can do. You'll have to come 2957down to the stat... Mister, your fly's unzipped and you're exposing 2958yourself!" 2959 "Oh my God, they stole my girlfriend!" 2960% 2961A pretty young lady named Vogel 2962Once sat herself down on a molehill. 2963 A curious mole 2964 Nosed into her hole -- 2965Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. 2966% 2967A pretty young maiden from France 2968Decided she'd "just take a chance." 2969 She let herself go 2970 For an hour or so 2971And now all her sisters are aunts. 2972% 2973A proctologist is a doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice. 2974% 2975A programmer down in Moline 2976Said, I'm the match for any machine. 2977 My secret's aversion, 2978 To loops and recursion, 2979Just acres of in-line routine. 2980 -- W.J. Wilson 2981% 2982A progressive professor named Winners 2983Held classes each evening for sinners. 2984 They were graded and spaced 2985 So the vile and debased 2986Would not be held back by beginners. 2987% 2988A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is 2989having fun. 2990% 2991A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep 2992up with yesterday. 2993% 2994A remarkable race are the Persians; 2995They have such peculiar diversions. 2996 They make love the whole day 2997 In the usual way 2998And save up the nights for perversions. 2999% 3000A retired schoolteacher finally decided that she was tired of living alone 3001and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided 3002to visit the local pet shop. The owner suggested a parrot, with which she 3003could conduct a civilized conversation. This seemed to be an excellent 3004idea, so she bought a handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room, 3005and said, "Say 'Pretty boy.'" Silence from the bird. "Come on now, say 3006'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'" 3007 At long last, disgustedly, the bird said, "Oh, shit." 3008 Shocked, the schoolteacher said, "Just for that, you get five minutes 3009in the refrigerator." Five minutes later she put the shivering bird back on 3010its perch and said, "Now let's hear it: 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'" 3011 "Damn it, wouldja lay off, lady?" said the parrot. 3012 Outraged, the woman grabbed the bird, said, "That's it! Ten minutes 3013in the freezer," and slammed the door on him. 3014 Hopping about to keep warm, what does the parrot come across but a 3015big frozen turkey waiting for Thanksgiving. Startled, he squawks, "My God, 3016you must have told the bitch to go fuck herself!" 3017% 3018A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic. 3019 -- Joseph Stalin 3020% 3021A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From 3022his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched, 3023sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprietor, "How much 3024to replace this, Ian?" The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'll be four 3025pence." Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?" The prop. looks the 3026condom over carefully, and says "Three pence to repair." The Scotsman ponders 3027for a moment, then says, "I'll be back." 3028 Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and 3029says, "Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!" 3030% 3031A Scotsman clad in kilts left a bar one evening fair. 3032One could tell by how he walked, he'd drunk more than his share. 3033He staggered on until he could no longer keep his feet. 3034So he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street. 3035 3036Later on two young and lovely girls just happened by. 3037One says to the other, with a twinkle in her eye. 3038"See yon sleeping Scotsman so young and handsome built?" 3039"I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilts?" 3040 3041They stepped up to the Scotsman, so young and fancy free. 3042They lifted up his kilt above the waist so they could see. 3043And there behold for them the view beneath his Scottish skirt, 3044Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth. 3045 3046They marveled for a moment, then one said, "Best be gone." 3047"Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along." 3048As a gift they left a blue ribbon tied into a bow, 3049Around the bonny star of the Scot's kilt lifting show. 3050 3051The Scot awoke to nature's call and stumbled to the trees. 3052Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees. 3053Then in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes, 3054"Och, lad I dinna know whar' ya been, but I see ya won first prize." 3055 -- Mike Cross, "The Scotsman" 3056% 3057A sheriff arrived at the scene of the horrible accident just as his deputy, 3058all alone, was climbing down from the controls of a bulldozer. "Say, 3059Junior, what's goin' on?" asked the sheriff. 3060 "A bus full of migrant workers went out of control and over the 3061cliff, and I just finished buryin' 'em," explained the deputy. 3062 "Good work, boy," replied the sheriff. "Pretty gory work -- were 3063all of 'em dead?" 3064 Junior nodded sadly and said, "Some of them said they weren't, but 3065you know how them Mex'cans lie." 3066% 3067A shy young man, preparing himself for what he hoped would be the ultimate sex 3068act with a pretty young lady, went into a drugstore to inquire about sizes and 3069styles of condoms. The lusty proprietress, a buxom widow, saw an opportunity 3070for fun at the lad's expense. 3071 "Come in the back and try some on for size," she said, taking his hand. 3072The widow unzipped the youth's fly and watched the small instrument grow in 3073her hand as she measured it. When the weapon had unfurled to a rosy seven and 3074a half inches, the young man, unable to contain himself, had an orgasm with a 3075tremendous discharge. After recovering, he asked the widow if she could now 3076give him the proper size. 3077 "I'll do more than that," she said. "I'll give you free meals and a 3078half interest in the store." 3079% 3080A son takes his Italian immigrant father to his first baseball game. It 3081happens that it's Old Timer's Day at Yankee stadium and all the baseball 3082greats are there. The son escorts his father to box seats right on the 3083third base line and seats him with beer and a Yankees cap. 3084 The first batter up is Mickey Mantle. On the second pitch he 3085swings that bat and CRACK! The ball ricochets off the wall for a double. 3086The crowd goes crazy and the father stands up and yells, "Runna Mickey! 3087Runna Mickey!" 3088 The next batter up is Joe DiMaggio. The pitcher, pitching him 3089carefully, works him to a 3-2 count and just misses the outside corner. 3090 "Ball four!" yells the umpire and Joe tosses his bat aside and begins 3091to walk to first base. 3092 The father yells out, "Runna Joe! Runna Joe!" 3093 "No, no, Pop," corrects his son. "He got four balls. He walks." 3094 And the old man clenches his fist and says solemnly, "Walka proud 3095Joe. Walka proud." 3096% 3097A stately-looking matron was walking through the Bronx Zoo, studying the 3098animals. When she passed the porcupine enclosure she beckoned to a nearby 3099attendant. 3100 "Young man," she began, "do North American porcupines have sharper 3101pricks than those raised in Africa?" 3102 The attendant hesitated for a moment. "Well, ma'am," he answered, 3103"the African porcupine's quills are sharper... but I think their pricks are 3104about the same." 3105% 3106A stranger had just arrived in the mining town and was spending the evening at 3107the local saloon. After a few drinks, he mentioned to the bartender that he 3108hadn't seen a single woman in the entire town. 3109 The bartender replied, "Nope. Ain't no women in this town!" 3110 "No women? What do the men do for... er..." 3111 "Oh, for sex? Did you see all those pigs in the street? That's the 3112answer, right there." 3113 Shaking his head incredulously, the stranger settled back to his 3114drinking. Within a short time, however, the liquor had convinced him that he 3115wanted to try out a pig himself. He had watched several miners walk upstairs 3116to the trysting rooms with squealing piglets under their arms. Now, he was 3117game to make his move. He wandered out to the back of the saloon and chose 3118a nice fat, pink sow. As he walked to the stairs, the entire saloon went 3119quiet. In the embarrassing hush, all eyes were upon him. 3120 "What's the matter? I thought all you fellows did this!" 3121 "Yeah, but that's Black Bart's girl," replied the barkeep. 3122% 3123A sweet young schoolteacher who had always been virtuous was invited to go 3124for a ride in the country with the gym instructor, whom she admired. Under 3125a tree on the bank of a quiet lake, she struggled with her conscience and 3126with the gym instructor and finally gave in to the latter. Sobbing 3127uncontrollably she asked her seducer, 3128 "How can I ever face my students again, knowing I have sinned twice?" 3129 "Twice?" asked the young man, confused. 3130 "Why, yes," said the sweet teacher, wiping a tear from her eye. 3131"You're going to do it again, aren't you?" 3132% 3133A teacher announces to her class, "Children, the student who can name the 3134greatest man who ever lived will win a shiny red apple." 3135 Immediately an Italian boy raises his hand. 3136 "Yes, Tony?" 3137 "Christopher Columbus!" says Tony. 3138 "Well," says the teacher, "Christopher Columbus was a very great man, 3139but I don't think he was the greatest man who ever lived." 3140 From the back of the room little Bernie Goldstein raises his hand. 3141 "Yes, Bernie?" 3142 "Jesus Christ", says Bernie. 3143 "That is correct, Bernie," pronounces the teacher. "And here is 3144your apple." 3145 When Bernie gets up to the front of the room to claim his prize, 3146the teacher says, "Bernie, given the fact that you're Jewish, I'm surprised 3147that you thought Jesus was the greatest man who ever lived." 3148 "Well, actually," replies Bernie, "I do think Moses had the edge, 3149but business is business." 3150% 3151A team playing baseball in Dallas 3152Called the umpire blind out of malice. 3153 While this worthy had fits 3154 The team made eight hits 3155And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. 3156% 3157A toast to the kisses you've snatched and vice-versa. 3158% 3159A trapper named Francois Lefebrve 3160Once captured and buggered a beabrve. 3161 The result of this fuck 3162 Was a three titted duck, 3163A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve. 3164% 3165A traveling circus was performing in a small town, around the turn of the 3166century, when many of the circus animals were still considered to be very 3167rare and exotic. One night one of the elephants escaped. It was hungry 3168and found a garden in a little old lady's backyard. The woman, who had 3169never before seen an elephant, was hysterical and called the police. 3170 3171Little Old Lady: "There's a *huge* monster in my garden! 3172Police: "Calm down, ma'am, everything will be all right. Now exactly what 3173 does it look like?" 3174LOL: "It's a dark color and it's tremendous! It's pulling up my 3175 vegetables with its tail!" 3176Police: "With its tail? Then what's it doing?" 3177LOL: "You wouldn't believe me if I told you!" 3178% 3179A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry. 3180% 3181A virgin is chaste. 3182% 3183A virginal is a harpsichord that has never been plucked. 3184% 3185A virtuous abstinence from the joys of pederasty 3186comes most easily to those who have no taste for it. 3187 -- Oscar Wilde 3188% 3189A wanton young lady from Wimley 3190Reproached for not acting quite primly 3191 Said, "Heavens above! 3192 I know sex isn't love, 3193But it's such an entrancing facsimile." 3194% 3195A widow who fancied a man some 3196Was diddled three times in a hansom. 3197 When she clamored for more 3198 Her young man became sore 3199And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson." 3200% 3201A witty writer, K. Kraus in the Vienna "Fackel", has as it were, expressed 3202this truth paradoxically in the cynical saying: "Coitus is merely an 3203unsatisfactory substitute for onanism!" 3204 -- Sigmund Freud, attempting to explain why 3205 masturbation is "by no means harmless" 3206% 3207A woman had a followup visit with her doctor after his prescribing fairly high 3208dosages of testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried 3209about some of the side effects she was experiencing. 3210 "Doctor Keyes, the hormones you've been giving me have helped a lot 3211with my menopausal symptoms, but I'm really afraid that you're giving me too 3212much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before!" 3213 The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal 3214side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" 3215 "On my balls." 3216% 3217A woman is driving down the street, her ten-year-old daughter belted into 3218the passenger seat. The daughter asks "Mommy, how old are you?" 3219 The mother says "That's a personal question. It's not nice to ask 3220people personal questions." 3221 The daughter thinks a while, then asks "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" 3222 The mother replies "That's a personal question too. I'm not going 3223to tell you." 3224 Chastised, the daughter asks no more questions. The mother parks the 3225car. "I'm going to see Mrs. Tristan for a couple of minutes. You stay here in 3226the car and watch my purse." 3227 After the mother leaves, the daughter removes her mother's driver's 3228license from the purse, studies it for a few minutes and replaces it. When 3229her mother returns they drive off. The little girl comments: 3230 "Mommy, I know how old you are. You're 32." 3231 "That's right! How did you know?" 3232 "And you weigh 119 pounds." 3233 "Did you look in my purse?" 3234 "And I know why you and Daddy divorced." 3235 "You *do*?" 3236 "Yes," said the daughter. "Because you flunked sex!" 3237% 3238A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her 3239drawers. 3240 -- Blind Lemon Pledge 3241% 3242A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive little thing -- tender, sweet, 3243and stupid. 3244 -- Adolf Hitler 3245% 3246A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. 3247It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure. 3248 -- Karl Kraus, "Die Fackel" 3249% 3250A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments. 3251 -- Herodotus 3252% 3253A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social 3254pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate 3255woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without 3256love, without virtue, without sex. 3257 -- Honore de Balzac 3258% 3259A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot. 3260 -- Pancho Villa 3261% 3262A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long 3263as he can. 3264 -- Moms Mabley 3265% 3266A worried young man from Stamboul 3267Founds lots of red spots on his tool. 3268 Said the doctor, a cynic, 3269 "Get out of my clinic; 3270Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!" 3271% 3272A young boy is told by his puritanical father than he should never have 3273sex with a woman, because a woman has teeth in her vagina and will bite 3274off his penis. 3275 The years go by, and the boy finally marries. After a rather 3276uninspiring honeymoon his wife finally confronts him and demands that he 3277tell her why he won't make love to her. 3278 "Well, honey," he replies. "You have... teeth... down there." 3279 "What!?" she replies unbelievingly. "No I don't! Honest, darling, 3280come here and look for yourself." 3281 The man rather hesitantly examines her very thoroughly. 3282 "There!" his wife says triumphantly. "Now do you believe me?" 3283 "Yes," replied her husband. "And your gums are in *terrible* 3284condition." 3285% 3286A young lady friend of mine just swallowed a razor blade... 3287She performed a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, 3288three circumcisions, and cut off the finger of a casual friend. 3289% 3290A young man walks into a bus station, and goes into the men's room to relieve 3291himself. When he steps in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous penis 3292he has ever seen. As he urinates, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member 3293of the tiny man dressed in green. The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him 3294if he is indeed a real leprechaun. 3295 The little man says, "Aye, me laddie, I'm a leprechaun, and I can 3296grant you three wishes." 3297 "Oh, wow!" comes the reply, "What do I need to do?" 3298 "Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the 3299ladies, the thing not fittin' and all... I'll grant you your three wishes 3300if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick 'til I come." The man is a bit taken 3301aback, but agrees, realizing that the three wishes will be priceless. After 3302the tiny fellow has come, he starts to walk away. 3303 The man exclaims, "Hey, what about my three wishes?" 3304 Replies the leprechaun, "How old are you, me boy?" 3305 "25." 3306 "Aren't you a wee bit old to be believin' in leprechauns?" 3307% 3308A young New York housewife was shocked by some of the language used by her 3309daughter. When asked about it, the daughter said she had learned it from 3310a small girl she played with in the park. The next day, the mother sought 3311out the little girl as she played in the park. "Are you the little girl 3312who uses bad words?" 3313 "Who told you?" 3314 "A little bird," answered the mother. 3315 "Well, I like that!" exclaimed the small girl. "And I've been 3316feeding the little bastards, too!" 3317% 3318A young woman was afflicted with three brothers who had a friendly competition 3319as to who was the best practical joker. When she announced her marriage, 3320like all good brothers, they immediately found out where the honeymoon would 3321be and repaired there to do their worst, er, best. The brother who was a 3322carpenter went first, and came back out in five minutes. The brother who 3323worked as a plumber went second and was out in about half an hour. Finally, 3324the brother employed as a dentist went inside and came out almost immediately. 3325A few days after the start of their sister's honeymoon the brothers each 3326received a telegram from their sister. It read: 3327 3328 I liked the couch falling apart when we sat on it. I was amused 3329 when the shower went cold five minutes after it started. But I'm 3330 going to kill whoever put the novocaine into the KY jelly... 3331% 3332Aboard the good ship Venus, The cabin boy, the captain's joy, 3333The mast it was a penis, A cunning little nipper, 3334 Her figurehead They filled his ass, 3335 A whore in bed, With broken glass, 3336Good grief you should have seen us! And circumcised the skipper. 3337 3338The first mate's name was Higgins, The captain's daughter Mabel, 3339And Higgins was a biggins, They screwed when they were able, 3340 Once round the deck, They nailed her tits, 3341 Twice up the mast, Those nasty shits, 3342And the rest was used for riggins'! Right to the captain's table. 3343 3344The engineer's name was Carter, The second mate's name was Andy, 3345And Carter was a farter, By God, he was a dandy, 3346 When the wind wouldn't blow, They broke his cock, 3347 And the ship couldn't go, With chunks of rock, 3348Carter the farter would start her! For conking in the brandy! 3349% 3350Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder. 3351% 3352Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western 3353religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of 3354Western science. 3355 -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters" 3356% 3357AC/DC is a rock band. 3358 -- Bisexuality, 101 3359% 3360Achilles' Biological Findings: 3361 (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If he 3362 looks like a neighbor, that's environment. 3363 (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first 3364 -- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the 3365 rooster. 3366% 3367Adam's Law: 3368 (1) Women don't know what they want; 3369 they don't like what they have got. 3370 (2) Men know very well what they want; 3371 having got it, they begin to lose interest. 3372% 3373Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are better than sex, 3374and a lot more that are worse; but there's nothing quite like it... 3375% 3376Adopting the metric system would have certain psychological advantages -- 3377such as being able to claim 18 centimeters instead of seven inches. 3378% 3379ADULTERY: 3380 Putting yourself in someone else's position. 3381% 3382Advertising is the most fun of anything you can do with your clothes on. 3383 -- Mary Wells, advertising executive 3384% 3385After a few steamy dances and a few more drinks, the pickup couple 3386are back at his place tearing their clothes off. Things are really 3387starting to heat up when he leaps out of bed and starts frantically 3388rummaging through a dresser drawer. 3389 "What are you doing?" she asks. 3390 "Just a second, honey, I'm trying to find my lucky rubber." 3391% 3392After an evening at the theatre and several nightcaps at an intimate little 3393bistro, the young man whispered to his date, "How do you feel about making 3394love to men?" 3395 "That's MY business," she snapped. 3396 "Ah," he said. "A professional." 3397% 3398After cocktails in the Oak Room, the graying millionaire took the blond, 3399attractive, wholesome, winning young woman up to his suite. They chatted 3400for a while, and then kissed on the couch. A little fondling, some feeling 3401and petting ... to which the young lady lent herself shyly ... and then they 3402were in the wide, cool bed, naked together. They chatted more, established 3403a communion, a rapport the older man considered remarkably gratifying. The 3404girl seemed sympatico, innocent, good. 3405 "Yes, that was it," he thought, "essentially good. Why, she could 3406be my own daughter." He smiled into the young girl's deep blue eyes. 3407 "Tell me," he asked, his hand on her breast, "What's a nice girl 3408like you doing in a hotel like this?" 3409 "Oh, about $2000 a week, with tips." 3410% 3411After Joan and Max had been married for 25 years, Max became disinterested 3412in sex, and his libido began to wan dramatically. In desperation, Joan 3413hauled him to a marriage counselor, who listened patiently to Joan's complaints 3414and Max's protestations. Max claimed that he was being nagged unmercifully 3415to fulfill Joan's needs, and that after awhile every marriage tended to 3416become less physical. Joan said that that wasn't true and that she had 3417needs and desires that he, as her husband, was expected to fulfill. Finally, 3418the counselor issued the verdict. "Max," he said, "Everybody has to give a 3419little for a marriage to work. From now on, no matter how you feel at the 3420time, you must give Joan her conjugal rights at least semi-annually. And, 3421remember, do it in a loving, considerate manner; after all, you and your 3422wife are a partnership of love." Joan was delighted, and floated out of the 3423counselor's offices. On the way downstairs, she nudged Max. 3424 "So, honey, tell me... how many times a week is semi-annually?" 3425% 3426After making a daring escape from the penitentiary, the convict eluded 3427bloodhounds and police roadblocks and dodged helicopter searchlights on 3428his way to see his wife. Finally sneaking in the back entrance, he knocked 3429on the door and smiled triumphantly as she opened it. "Where the hell have 3430you been?" she blared. "You busted out more than six hours ago!" 3431% 3432After repeatedly warding off her date's amorous advances during the evening, 3433the pretty young thing decided to put her foot down: "See here," she shouted 3434indignantly. "This is positively the last time I'm going to tell you `no'." 3435 "Splendid!" exclaimed her date. "Now we can start making some 3436progress." 3437% 3438After rushing into a drugstore, the nervous young man was obviously 3439embarrassed when a prim thirty-ish woman asked if she could serve him. 3440 "N-no," he stammered, "I'd like to see the druggist." 3441 "I'm the druggist", she replied cheerfully. 3442 "Oh.. well, uh, it's nothing important," he said, and turned to leave. 3443 "Young man," said the woman, "my sister and I have been running this 3444drugstore for nearly ten years. There is nothing you can tell us that will 3445embarrass us. 3446 "Well, all right," he said. "I have this awful sexual hunger that 3447nothing will appease. No matter how many times I make love, I still want to 3448make love again and again. Is there anything you can give me for it?" 3449 "Just a moment," said the woman, "I'll have to discuss this with my 3450sister." 3451 A few minutes later, she returned. "The best we can do," she said, 3452"is room and board and a half-interest in the business." 3453% 3454After spending a forbidden night on the town, two young nuns were trying 3455to sneak through the fence surrounding their Convent. 3456 "You know," giggled one as she held the wire apart for the other 3457to crawl through, "I feel like a Marine." 3458 "So do I," the other nun sighed, "but where are we going to 3459find one at three in the morning?" 3460% 3461After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that 3462brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles." 3463 -- Ronnie Shakes 3464% 3465After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body. 3466 -- Joan Rivers 3467% 3468Ah spring, when a fancy young man lightly turns his lover over. 3469% 3470AI hackers do it robotically. 3471% 3472A.I. hackers do it with robots. 3473% 3474Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget 3475 cuts. 3476Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves. 3477Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion. 3478Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves. 3479% 3480Al Gore resembled a Vulcan desperately in need of a blow job. 3481 -- Bobcat Goldthwait 3482% 3483Alaska, where Moosehead isn't a beer, it's a misdemeanor. 3484 3485Q: You know how to figure out if your lover's been "involved"? 3486A: Antler marks on their hips. 3487% 3488Alcohol is like love: the first kiss is magic, the second is intimate, 3489the third is routine. After that you just take the girl's clothes off. 3490 -- Raymond Chandler 3491% 3492Alcoholics Anonymous is when you get to drink under someone else's name. 3493% 3494Alex came home from a business trip to Chicago and found no one home but his 3495daughter Rose, who was crying bitterly. 3496 "What's the matter, darling?" asked Alex. 3497 "Mommy almost died last night," sobbed Rose. 3498 "That's nonsense," said the father. "Why do you say that?" 3499 "Well," said Rose,"you always told us that when we die we'll see God; 3500so when I heard Mommy moaning last night I rushed to her bedroom and she was 3501screaming, "Oh God, here I come," and she would have but Uncle Jerry held her 3502down." 3503% 3504"Algorithms" is an anagram for "Hilt orgasm". Maybe this explains 3505the popularity of this field of study in computer science. 3506% 3507Alimony, n.: 3508 Having an ex you can bank on. 3509% 3510All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm 3511place to shift. 3512% 3513All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell 3514them apart. 3515% 3516All I really want in life is a piece and some quiet. 3517% 3518All I want is a girl made of wood, 3519With fine-grained hair and carven knee. 3520She wouldn't drink and wouldn't smoke, 3521Oh, wooden tit be loverly? 3522 -- Pinocchio 3523% 3524All jobs should be open to everybody, unless they actually require a 3525penis or a vagina. 3526 -- Florynce Kennedy 3527 3528There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis 3529or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone. 3530 -- Gloria Steinem 3531% 3532All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most 3533injurious things against him, but we never hear his side. 3534 -- Mark Twain 3535% 3536All the girls in France, do a hookie-kookie dance, 3537And you know the way they shake, is enough to fry a snake, 3538And the snake they fry, is enough to tell a lie, 3539And the lie they tell, is enough to go to 3540Hello, operator, give me number nine, 3541If you disconnect me, I'll kick you in the 3542Behind the 'frigerator, there was a piece of glass, 3543If you do not pick it up, I'll kick you in the 3544Ask me no more questions, tell me no more lies, 3545This is what Lulu told me, just before she died. 3546She had a little brother, she named him Tiny Tim, 3547She put him in the potty, to see if he could swim. 3548He swam down to the bottom, he swam up to the top, 3549Lulu got disgusted, and flushed him down the pot. 3550 -- Princess 3551% 3552All the waters of the earth are in the armpit of the Great Frog. 3553 -- R. Crumb 3554% 3555All things dull and ugly, Each little snake that poisons, 3556All creatures short and squat, Each little wasp that stings, 3557All things rude and nasty, He made their brutish venom, 3558The Lord God made the lot; He made their horrid wings. 3559 3560All things sick and cancerous, Each nasty little hornet, 3561All evil great and small, Each beastly little squid. 3562All things foul and dangerous, Who made the spikey urchin? 3563The Lord God made them all. Who made the sharks? He did. 3564 3565All things scabbed and ulcerous, 3566All pox both great and small. 3567Putrid, foul and gangrenous, 3568The Lord God made them all. 3569 -- Monty Python 3570% 3571All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat, 3572 All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot; 3573Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings, 3574 He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings. 3575All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small, 3576 All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all. 3577Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid. 3578 Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks? He did. 3579All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small. 3580 Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all. 3581 -- Monty Python's Flying Circus 3582% 3583All this big deal about white collar crime -- what's WRONG with white collar 3584crime? Who enjoys his job today? You? Me? Anybody? The only satisfying 3585part of any job is coffee break, lunch hour and quitting time. Years ago 3586there was at least the hope of improvement -- eventual promotion -- more 3587important jobs to come. Once you can be sold the myth that you may make 3588president of the company you'll hardly ever steal stamps. But nobody 3589believes he's going to be president anymore. The more people change jobs 3590the more they realize that there is a direct connection between working for 3591a living and total stupefying boredom. So why NOT take revenge? You're not 3592going to find ME knocking a guy because he pads an expense account and his 3593home stationery carries the company emblem. Take away crime from the white 3594collar worker and you will rob him of his last vestige of job interest. 3595 -- J. Feiffer 3596% 3597All work and no pay makes a housewife. 3598% 3599Already the spirit of our schooling is permeated with the feeling that every 3600subject, every topic, every fact, every professed truth must be submitted 3601to a certain publicity and impartiality. All proffered samples of learning 3602must go to the same assay-room and be subjected to common tests. It is the 3603essence of all dogmatic faiths to hold that any such "show-down" is 3604sacrilegious and perverse. The characteristic of religion, from their point 3605of view, is that it is intellectually secret, not public; peculiarly revealed, 3606not generally known; authoritatively declared, not communicated and tested 3607in ordinary ways...It is pertinent to point out that, as long as religion 3608is conceived as it is now by the great majority of professed religionists, 3609there is something self-contradictory in speaking of education in religion 3610in the same sense in which we speak of education in topics where the method 3611of free inquiry has made its way. The "religious" would be the last to be 3612willing that either the history of the content of religion should be taught 3613in this spirit; while those to whom the scientific standpoint is not merely 3614a technical device, but is the embodiment of the integrity of mind, must 3615protest against its being taught in any other spirit. 3616 -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools" (1908) 3617% 3618Although a fifth-generation American, Father Sweeny was more Irish than most 3619of Erin's natives. He spoke with an Irish brogue which had mysteriously 3620appeared during his nineteenth year and he *hated* the English. Due to his 3621proclivity to belabor the British from his pulpit, complaints to his 3622superiors were not infrequent. He would blame anything evil or merely 3623inconvenient on the English people. If there was an act of terrorism, the 3624responsibility was promptly laid at the feet of the Brits. If there was a 3625natural disaster, undoubtedly the English government was an accessory to 3626the fact, if not outrightly culpable. Repeatedly, his superiors called him 3627on the carpet for his behavior. After a particularly vituperative 3628anti-British broadside, the Bishop instructed Father Sweeny to come straight 3629to his office; do not pass GO; do not collect two hundred dollars. Summing 3630up a humiliating and soul-marking reprimand, the Bishop ended with: "Next 3631week is Saint Patrick's Day. If you so much as *mention* the British, it's 3632your last sermon!" 3633 3634The following Sunday, as Father Sweeny spoke lovingly and eloquently of 3635Saint Patrick, and he made a reference to the last Passover celebrated by 3636Christ and His disciples. "Sure, an' you're all familiar with the tale. 3637You know that Our Lord sat at the table and told his disciples that one 3638among them would betray Him. As He looked around the table, He stopped at 3639Peter, the Rock, who said, `Not I, Lord!' He looked at Thomas, who doubted, 3640and Thomas said, `I could never do such a thing!' Then the Lord looked long 3641and hard at Judas Iscariot, who said, `Cor, bloimy, Guv'na, you couldn't 3642main may!'" 3643% 3644Always talk to your wife while you're 3645making love... if there's a phone handy. 3646% 3647Ambition, n.: 3648 An ant crawling up an elephant's leg with rape on his mind. 3649% 3650America ... just a nation of two hundred million used car salesman 3651with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing 3652anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable. 3653 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: 3654 On the Campaign Trail" 3655% 3656America cannot be sold a can of beer without 3657being offered a piece of pussy along with it. 3658 -- Julius Lester 3659% 3660America, I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel. 3661 -- Allen Ginsberg 3662% 3663America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it 3664wags its tail, it knocks over a chair. 3665 -- Arnold Joseph Toynbee 3666% 3667American culture is based on the automobile, and any young man of promise 3668is going to own one and want to travel great distances in it. Consequently, 3669any young woman of aspiration should expect to spend most of her vacations 3670in a car, probing into unfamiliar corners. She is not required to know how 3671to drive but she will certainly be expected to read the road map while her 3672husband drives, and if she can't, or if she's abnormally slow in giving him 3673help, she's bound to cause trouble. Therefore, you'd think that colleges 3674which train the bright young women who're going to marry the bright young 3675men who are going to own the Cadillacs that roar back and forth across this 3676continent would teach the girls to read maps. None do. They teach a hundred 3677other useless things, but never a word about the one that will cause the 3678greatest friction. 3679 -- James Michener, "Space" 3680% 3681America's two greatest inventions are finger-fucking and carpet-bombing. 3682 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 3683% 3684An 11 is a 10 who doesn't have headaches. 3685% 3686An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese refugee had a discussion about 3687the happiness of life. 3688 "To me, happiness is returning home on a Monday evening, having a wonderful 3689dinner prepared by my wife, then slouching on the sofa watching Monday Night 3690Football," the American said. 3691 "You Americans are not romantic at all", the French injected, "Sharing 3692a beautiful evening with my lover, walking along the Seine river, and having a 3693romantic dinner on top of the Eiffel tower. That is happiness of life." 3694 "You call those things happiness", the Vietnamese laughed, "then you 3695two still don't understand life at all. Imagine this. You are sleeping 3696soundly at night in Saigon. Then suddenly you hear loud knocks on your front 3697door. You hear loud voices, 'Mr. Nguyen Van Binh, open the door!'. Quaking 3698with fear, you rush out and open the door. Right there, you see two secret 3699policemen ready to handcuff you. One of them says to you, 'Mr. Nguyen Van 3700Binh, you are under arrest for your anti-revolutionary activities. You are 3701being sent to the re-educational camp tonight!' Sweating profusely and 3702shaking uncontrollably, you reply to them, 'Comrades, Mr. Nguyen Van Binh 3703lives next door.' That moment is happiness in life, my friends. 3704% 3705An American businessman in London was given special visitor's privileges at an 3706exclusive men's club. Striding in one afternoon, the American approached the 3707only other man in the lounge and tried to strike up a conversation. "Care 3708for a cigar?" he asked. 3709 "No, thank you," the Englishman replied. "I tried smoking once and 3710didn't like it." 3711 "Would you care to join me in the bar for a drink, then?" the 3712businessman asked. 3713 "No, thank you. I tried drinking once and it didn't agree with me." 3714 "Well, how about a game of billiards?" 3715 "Sorry. I tried it once and couldn't seem to get the hang of it." 3716 As the American started to turn away, the Englishman said, "But my 3717son will be here shortly, and I'm sure he would enjoy a game with you." 3718 "Your son? An only child, I presume." 3719% 3720An American couple is in Paris, a much awaited trip, when suddenly the wife 3721dies of a heart attack. The husband decides to have her buried there as the 3722visit to France was something they had longed for for many years. All 3723arrangements are made when he suddenly realizes that he doesn't have a black 3724hat for the funeral. The hotel concierge tells him that what he wants is a 3725"chapeau noir." So off he goes to find a store open late. 3726 First he meets a gendarme and in his fractured French asks, "M'sieur, 3727ou pouvais-je acheter un capeau noir?" 3728 The policeman is a bit surprised but, after thinking a bit, gives our 3729friend directions. The store -- if that is what it is -- looks a little seedy 3730and run down, but the man behind the counter looks friendly so in goes our 3731hero. He speaks first: 3732 "M'sieur, je veux acheter un capeau noir." 3733 "Mais, monsieur, j'ai des capeaux rouges, des capeaux blancs, et des 3734capeaux marrons, mais pas des capeaux noires. Pourquoi avez vous besoin d'un 3735capeau noir?" 3736 "Ma femme est morte." 3737 "O Monsieur! Quelle beau sentiment!" 3738% 3739An American walks into an Irish pub around lunchtime, and finds the place 3740is completely filled and there are no chairs available, with the exception 3741of one -- seating a Chihuahua next to a woman. He very politely asks her 3742if she would mind placing her dog on the floor for a few minutes while he 3743got a quick bite to eat. 3744 "I most certainly would!", the woman haughtily replies. "Little 3745Fifi *always* sits next to me at lunchtime and there she will stay!" 3746 Whereupon, the American picks up the Chihuahua, throws it out of 3747an open window and takes the seat. 3748 An Irishman, watching the whole encounter, walks over, taps the 3749American on the shoulder and says, "Mate, I guess I never will understand 3750you Americans. You drink your beer cold, drive on the right side of the 3751street, and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window!" 3752% 3753An angst-ridden amorist, Fred, 3754Saw sartorial changes ahead. 3755 His mind kept on ringing 3756 With fishy girls singing; 3757Soft fruit also filled him with dread. 3758 -- J. Walker, "The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock" 3759% 3760An architect fellow named Yoric 3761Could, when feeling euphoric, 3762 Display for selection 3763 Three kinds of erection -- 3764Corinthian, ionic, and doric. 3765% 3766An Army travels on her stomach. 3767% 3768An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: it gets laid once; it gets 3769eaten once. It also has to come in a box with 11 others, and the only 3770person who will sit on its face is its mother. 3771% 3772An encounter with a beautiful woman is good medicine for the well organized 3773logical mind -- a little jolt never hurt. Note that the anarchists have 3774been saying this for years about the A-bomb and civilization. 3775 -- Encyclopadia Apocryphia 3776% 3777An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's 3778chance to kiss the tea-girl. It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the 3779Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone 3780who has seen the Managing Director face on). 3781 -- Katherine Whitehorn, "Roundabout" 3782% 3783And Bezel saideth unto Sham: "Sham," he saideth, "Thou shalt goest 3784unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine 3785bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits, 3786provideth that they are nice and fresh." 3787 -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion" 3788% 3789And do you not think that each of you women is an Eve? The judgment of God 3790upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of 3791criminal at the bar of justice. 3792 -- Tertullian, second-century Christian writer 3793% 3794...And have you ever noticed that you never see the Father, the Son, and 3795the Holy Ghost partying together at the same time? Oh, sure, everybody 3796talks like they aren't the same person, but I wonder... 3797% 3798And having stretched me out upon his bed with my head a little to one side, 3799he sat down next to me and raised my head upon his lap. He peered avidly at 3800me, his eyes seemed ready to devour the secretion oozing from my nose. "Oh, 3801the pretty little snotface," said he, beginning to pant, "How I'm going to 3802suck her." Therewith bending down over me, and taking my nose in his mouth, 3803not only did he devour all the mucus between my nose and mouth, but he even 3804lewdly darted the tip of his tongue into each of my nostrils, one after the 3805other, and with such cleverness he provoked two or three sneezes which 3806redoubled the flow he desired and was consuming so hungrily. But ask me for 3807no details bearing upon this fellow, Messieurs, nothing appeared, and whether 3808because he did nothing, or because he did it all in his drawers, there was 3809nothing to be seen, and amidst the multitude of his kisses and lecherous 3810lickings there was nothing outstanding which might have denoted an ecstasy, 3811and consequently it is my opinion that he did not discharge. All my clothes 3812were in place, even his hands stayed still, and I give you my word that this 3813old libertine's fantasy might be performed upon the world's most respectable 3814and least initiated girl without her being able to suppose there was anything 3815lewd in it at all. 3816 -- Marquis de Sade 3817% 3818And let me the canakin clink, clink; 3819and let me the canakin clink. 3820 A soldier's a man; 3821 O, man's life's but a span, 3822Why then, let a soldier drink. 3823% 3824And now, the Bing Crosby show, brought to you by the makers of Ex-Lax. 3825... a brief pause, and then Bing! 3826% 3827And on the third day, Christ arose, pushed aside the rock that had served 3828as the tomb door, and walked again on the earth. 3829 And as he departed, a passer-by pointed at the door Jesus had left 3830open. "What's the matter with you?" he said. "Born in a barn?" 3831% 3832And prively he caughte hire by the queynte, 3833And heeld hire harde by the haunche-bones. 3834 -- Geoffrey Chaucer, "The Miller's Tale" 3835% 3836And so it goes. It is humiliating, when you should know better, to become 3837victim of the timeless story of the little brown dog running across the 3838freight yard, crossing all the railroad tracks until a switch engine nipped 3839off the end of his tail between wheel and rail. The little dog yelped, and 3840he spun so quickly to check himself out that the next wheel chopped through 3841his little brown neck. The moral is, of course, never lose your head over 3842a piece of tail. 3843 -- John D. MacDonald, "The Scarlet Ruse" 3844% 3845And the northern lights commenced to glow. 3846And she said, with a tear in her eye, 3847"Watch out where the huskies go, and don't you eat that yellow snow." 3848 -- Frank Zappa, "The Story of Nanook and the Fur Trapper" 3849% 3850And then there was the lawyer that stepped in cow manure and thought 3851he was melting... 3852% 3853"And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband, as he came 3854upon his wife in bed with another man. The wife turned and smiled at her 3855companion. 3856 "See?" she said. "I told you he was stupid!" 3857% 3858Another greeting card category consists of those persons who send out 3859photographs of their families every year. In the same mail that brought the 3860greetings from Marcia and Philip, my friend found such a conversation piece. 3861"My God, Lida is enormous!" she exclaimed. I don't know why women want to 3862record each year, for two or three hundred people to see, the ravages wrought 3863upon them, their mates, and their progeny by the artillery of time, but 3864between five and seven per cent of Christmas cards, at a rough estimate, are 3865family groups, and even the most charitable recipient studies them for little 3866signs of dissolution or derangement. Nothing cheers a woman more, I am afraid, 3867than the proof that another woman is letting herself go, or has lost control 3868of her figure, or is clearly driving her husband crazy, or is obviously 3869drinking more than is good for her, or still doesn't know what to wear. 3870Middle-aged husbands in such photographs are often described as looking 3871"young enough to be her son," but they don't always escape so easily, and a 3872couple opening envelopes in the season of mercy and good will sometimes handle 3873a male friend or acquaintance rather sharply. "Good Lord!" the wife will say. 3874"Frank looks like a sex-crazed shotgun slayer, doesn't he?" "Not to me," the 3875husband may reply. "to me he looks more like a Wilkes-Barre dentist who is 3876being sought by the police in connection with the disappearance of a choir 3877singer." 3878 -- James Thurber, "Merry Christmas" 3879% 3880Another nun joke!!! 3881 You see, three nuns were walking down the street, when suddenly 3882this flasher jumped out in front of them and opened his trench coat, 3883exposing his all to the sisters. Well, two of the nuns had strokes right 3884there, but the third nun wouldn't touch it. 3885% 3886Another stupid gay joke!!! 3887 You see, this gay man walks into a Texas bar and orders a strawberry 3888daiquiri. The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't 3889serve your kind, buddy, why don't you get out of here before the boys come 3890in and kick your ass?" 3891 The guy whimpers a little and lisps, "Pleasse misssture I am soooo 3892thurstay ..." 3893 Well, the bartender feels somewhat sorry for him and hands him a beer 3894on the house on the condition that he drink it in the back and leave as soon 3895as he's done. A little while later, a hulking cowboy walks in and up to the 3896bar. He slams his fist on the bar and hollers, "I'm so thirsty, I could 3897lick the sweat off of a bulls' balls!" 3898 From the back of the bar comes the cry... "Moo, moo, buckaroooooo!!!" 3899% 3900Anxiety, n.: 3901 The first time you can't do it a second time. 3902 3903Panic, n.: 3904 The second time you can't do it the first time. 3905% 3906Any girl who believes that the way to a man's heart is through 3907his stomach is obviously setting her standards too high. 3908% 3909Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her. 3910% 3911Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator. 3912 -- Claude Shouse 3913 3914Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist. 3915 -- Joseph C. Wang 3916% 3917Anything more than three shakes is for fun. 3918% 3919APL hackers take all they want. 3920% 3921Apple owners do it with mice! 3922% 3923APPOINTMENT BOOK: 3924 The reference of last resort when trying to duck undesired 3925 invitations ("Gee, the soonest I can pencil you in is 3926 December, 2039"), or when trying to figure out what the hell 3927 it was you did during the past year. 3928% 3929Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons 3930released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and 3931enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources. 3932 -- Ronald Reagan 3933% 3934Are there those in the land of the brave 3935Who can tell me how I should behave 3936 When I am disgraced 3937 Because I erased 3938A file I intended to save? 3939% 3940ARIES (Mar. 21 to Apr. 19) 3941 Be cheerful today. People who don't like you will outnumber those 3942 who do. You have warts. Focus on domestic status, financial matters, 3943 and venereal disease. Look for involvement with Libra or Aquarius 3944 natives; probably a fistfight with one of each. 3945% 3946Arkansas: 3947 Where the men are men, so are the women and the sheep run scared. 3948% 3949As fathers commonly go, it is seldom a misfortune to be fatherless; 3950and considering the general run of sons, as seldom a misfortune to 3951be childless. 3952 3953The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is, 3954doubtless, a separation. 3955 -- Lord Chesterfield, letter to his son (1763) 3956% 3957As for Carter being for registration but against the draft, isn't that 3958sort of being like for putting it in and not taking it out? Even if it 3959was possible not to follow through, you'd still be getting screwed. 3960% 3961As long as your ass is pointed at the ground, don't fuck with me. 3962% 3963As my dear auntie used to say, "Love makes the world go 'round, but sex 3964makes the ride fun." 3965% 3966As near as I can tell, you're not any crazier 3967than the average asshole on the street. 3968 -- R.P. McMurphy, "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" 3969% 3970As part of an equal opportunity project, a memo was sent to all the offices 3971within External Affairs asking for "A list of all employees broken down by 3972sex." 3973 One of the memos was returned with the notation: "I'm sorry: we 3974know of nobody in this office who fits your criteria. We do, however, 3975have two alcoholics." 3976% 3977As Rev. Spooner would say, you are a shining wit. 3978% 3979As she lay there dozing next beside me, a voice inside my head kept 3980saying "Relax... you're not the first doctor who's ever slept with 3981one of his patients," but another voice kept reminding me, "Howard, 3982you're a veterinarian." 3983% 3984As the Catholic church becomes more and more tolerant, some day they will 3985have to consider the possibility of a gay pope. Possibly the largest 3986issue will be having to decide whether he is "absolutely divine" or "just 3987simply marvelous." 3988% 3989As the recent sightings of bumper stickers reading "IN CASE OF RAPTURE, THIS 3990VEHICLE WILL BE UNMANNED" have created a great deal of confusion, Fortune 3991offers the following excerpts from the 1989 printing of the State of Maryland 3992Driver's Handbook: 3993 If you notice a glorious light in the sky, a sound as of an infinite 3994choir of unearthly voices, and a host of winged beings descending from the 3995heavens, do not panic. If you are on the freeway, move to the shoulder as 3996soon as it is safe to do so, activate your hazard blinkers, and wait for the 3997end of the world. If you are Saved, it is especially important that you do 3998this BEFORE you are carried to your Eternal Reward, in order that your vehicle 3999not become a hazard to others. Remember, Rapture is the number one cause of 4000automobile accidents during major spiritual upheavals. You may experience a 4001feeling of discorporation ("being pulled from one's body") while driving. To 4002ensure the safety of your passengers and other drivers, move to the shoulder 4003as soon as you notice any of the following symptoms: 4004 -- An overwhelming sense of peace and happiness. 4005 -- Visions of the faces of deceased family members. 4006 -- A glorious figure in white, beckoning from the end of a tunnel of 4007white mist (do not confuse this with traffic control or maintenance officers, 4008who wear dark blue and safety orange.) 4009 Once the feeling has passed, inspect your surroundings. If still in 4010your car, you have probably suffered a stroke and should have someone drive 4011you to a hospital at once. If you find yourself in the Kingdom of God, consult 4012the local officials for information on local traffic rules and regulations. 4013% 4014As the truck driver came flying over the top of a steep hill, he spotted two 4015figures in his path rolling around in the middle of the road. The driver blew 4016his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued their lovemaking, 4017oblivious to his warnings. The truck finally slid to a halt barely three 4018inches from the pair. "Are you crazy?" the driver screamed at them. "You 4019could have been killed!" 4020 The man stood up and faced the driver. "Well, I was coming, she was 4021coming and you were coming," he panted, "and you were the only one with 4022brakes." 4023% 4024As they say about Dungeons and Dragons, "Life's a die, and then you bitch." 4025% 4026Ass, n.: 4027 The masculine of "lass". 4028% 4029Ass, grass or gas... nobody rides for free! 4030% 4031Assassins do it from behind. 4032% 4033At her annual checkup, the attractive young woman is told by the doctor that 4034it's necessary to take her temperature rectally. She agrees and bends over 4035the examining table, but a few seconds later says indignantly, "Doctor, that's 4036NOT my rectum!" 4037 "Madam," says the doctor, "that's not my thermometer!" 4038 Just then, the woman's husband, hearing her voice, comes into the 4039room. "Just what the hell is going on here?" he demands. 4040 "I'm taking your wife's temperature," the doctor cooly replies. 4041 "Okay, doc, you know best," says the husband as he picks a scalpel 4042off the doctor's desk, "but when that thing comes out, it better have 4043numbers on it!" 4044% 4045At last, the first Soviet, artificially intelligent computer had been produced. 4046The engineers did not get it, nor the physicists. First things first: it went 4047to the institute of Marxism-Leninism. 4048 4049"IS IT POSSIBLE TO BUILD SOCIALISM IN SWITZERLAND?" typed in one of the 4050 theologians. 4051"YES," replied the computer. "BUT IT WOULD BE SUCH A PITY TO DESTROY 4052 SUCH A BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY." 4053% 4054At twenty-six, Kate, though not promiscuous, had slept with most of the 4055decent men in public life. 4056 -- Renata Adler 4057% 4058Attractive bisexual young woman seeks same for high mellow times. 4059% 4060Australia's a lovely land 4061It's full of bonza blokes, 4062Sheilas, beer and no-one's queer 4063Except in Pommie jokes. 4064 4065Australians are lovely chaps 4066They're God's own chosen race. 4067If they ever see a fairy Pom 4068They'll smash him in the face. 4069 4070Australians like dressing up 4071In skirts and having fun 4072And that's all we were doing 4073When the Vice Squad came along. 4074 -- Monty Python 4075% 4076A-Z affectionately, 40771 to 10 alphabetically, 4078from here to eternity without in betweens, 4079still looking for a custom fit in an off-the-rack world, 4080sales talk from sales assistants 4081 when all i want to do is lower your resistance, 4082no rhythm in cymbals no tempo in drums, 4083love's on arrival, 4084she comes when she comes, 4085right on the target but wide of the mark... 4086% 4087B4 I4Q, RU/18 QT 3.14 4088% 4089Bachelors' wives and old maids' children are always perfect. 4090 -- Nicolas Chamfort 4091% 4092Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was 4093popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red- 4094blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from 4095back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city- 4096slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, 4097"Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job." The Texas gentleman looked 4098appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the 4099spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah 4100honor!" Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, 4101hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!" 4102% 4103Balls Law: 4104 The angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the heat 4105 of the meat provided that the thrusts of the busts are constant. 4106% 4107Baltimore, n.: 4108 Where the women wear turtleneck sweaters to hide their flea 4109collars. 4110% 4111Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal). 4112% 4113Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed. 4114Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed. 4115Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice, 4116Unless you get a good percentage of her price ... 4117 -- Tom Lehrer 4118% 4119Beat me, bite me, whip me, fuck me, make me write bad checks! 4120% 4121Beauty, n.: 4122 The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband. 4123 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 4124% 4125Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another. 4126% 4127Because woman's work is never done and is underpaid or unpaid or boring or 4128repetitious and we're the first to get the sack and what we look like is 4129more important than what we do and if we get raped it's our fault and if we 4130get bashed we must have provoked it and if we raise our voices we're nagging 4131bitches and if we enjoy sex nymphos and if we don't we're frigid and if we 4132love women it's because we can't get a "real" man and if we ask our doctor 4133too many questions we're neurotic and/or pushy and if we expect community 4134care for children we're selfish and if we stand up for our rights we're 4135aggressive and "unfeminine" and if we don't we're typical weak females and 4136if we want to get married we're out to trap a man and if we don't we're 4137unnatural and because we still can't get an adequate safe contraceptive but 4138men can walk on the moon and if we can't cope or don't want a pregnancy we're 4139made to feel guilty about abortion and... for lots and lots of other reasons 4140we are part of the women's liberation movement. 4141% 4142Bedfellows make strange politicians. 4143% 4144Beef stroganoff, n.: 4145 A bull masturbating. 4146% 4147"Before we get married," said the young woman to her fiancee, "I want to 4148confess some affairs that I've had in the past." 4149 "But you told me all about those a few weeks ago," her young man 4150replied. 4151 "Yes, darling," she explained, "but that was a few weeks ago." 4152% 4153Behold the unborn fetus and 4154 Weep salt tears crocodilian; 4155All life is sacred (save, of course, 4156 An enemy civilian). 4157% 4158Beifeld's Principle: 4159 The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive 4160 young female increases by pyramidical progression when he 4161 is already in the company of (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a 4162 better-looking and richer male friend. 4163 -- R. Beifeld 4164% 4165Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. 4166To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football. 4167 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 4168% 4169Being stoned on marijuana isn't very different from being stoned on 4170gin. 4171 -- Ralph Nader 4172% 4173Bend over and take it like a man! 4174% 4175Beneath this stone a virgin lies, 4176For her life held no terrors. 4177A virgin born, a virgin died: 4178No hits, no runs, no errors. 4179% 4180Beneath this stone lies Murphy, 4181They buried him today, 4182He lived the life of Riley, 4183While Riley was away. 4184% 4185Benny Hill: Would you like a peanut? 4186Girl: No, thank you, I don't want to be under obligation. 4187Benny Hill: You won't be under obligation for a peanut. 4188 It's not as if it were a chocolate bar or something. 4189% 4190Better a sister in a whorehouse than a brother on a Honda. 4191% 4192BETTER LATE THAN NEVER: 4193 The single girl's motto. 4194% 4195Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. 4196 -- Mae West 4197% 4198Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose. 4199% 4200Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all 4201evil. 4202% 4203Bi now, gay later! 4204% 4205Big Toe: The pad of the male big toe applied to the clitoris or the vulva 4206generally is a magnificent erotic instrument. The famous gentleman in erotic 4207prints who is keeping six women occupied is using tongue, penis, both hands, 4208and both big toes. Use the toe in mammary or armpit intercourse or any time 4209you are astride her, or sit facing as she lies or sits. Make sure the nail 4210isn't sharp. In a restaurant, in these days of tights one can surreptitiously 4211remove a shoe and sock, reach over, and keep her in almost continuous orgasm 4212with all four hands fully in view on the table top and no sign of contact-- 4213A party trick which really rates as advanced sex. She has less scope, but 4214can learn to masturbate him with her two big toes. The toes are definitely 4215erogenic areas, and can be kissed, sucked, tickled, or tied with stimulating 4216results. 4217 -- The Joy of Sex 4218 [Avoid armpit intercourse when razor stubble is present. Ed.] 4219% 4220Bill and Jim were walking home from work. As they walked along, they 4221discussed their wives' spending habits. "I don't understand how women 4222can spend so much money," Bill exclaimed. "I mean, understand, she 4223don't drink, and she's got her own pussy!" 4224% 4225Birth, copulation and death. 4226That's all the facts when you come to brass tacks; 4227Birth, copulation and death. 4228 -- T.S. Elliot, "Sweeney Agonistes" 4229% 4230Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. 4231 -- Woody Allen 4232% 4233Bitch, bitch, bitch -- 4234That's all I ever hear, 4235Ever since the dog ate the baby, 4236"Get rida the dog, get rida the dog." 4237% 4238Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth. 4239% 4240Blow it out your ass! 4241% 4242BOHICA: 4243 Bend over, here it comes again. 4244% 4245Bondage, or as the French call it, ligottage, is the gentle art of tying up 4246your sex partner --- not to overcome reluctance but to boost orgasm. It's 4247one unscheduled sex technique which a lot of people find extremely exciting 4248but are scared to try, and a venerable human resource for increasing sexual 4249feeling, partly because it's a harmless expression of sexual aggression -- 4250something we badly need, our culture being very uptight about it -- and more 4251because of its physical affects: slow orgasm when unable to move is a 4252mind-blowing experience for anyone not too frightened of their own aggressive 4253self to try it. 4254 -- The Joy of Sex 4255% 4256Bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous 4257Census Taker". It's about a guy who comes once every ten years. 4258% 4259Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question. 4260% 4261Brain on vacation, penis on autopilot. 4262% 4263Breakfast sometime? 4264 Sure. 4265Shall I call you or just nudge you? 4266% 4267Bridget O'Flaherty McHugh 4268Held venal traffic with a gnu. 4269Mistaking fore for aft one morn 4270Impaled herself upon its horn. 4271 4272Moral: Those who seek high ends should shun 4273 our furred and feathered friends. 4274% 4275Brigands will demand your money or 4276your life, but a woman will demand both. 4277 -- Samuel Butler 4278% 4279Bringing your mate to a convention is like taking a game warden hunting. 4280% 4281Britain has lowered the tax on chastity belts by about 60 cents each... 4282[reclassifying them] as a safety device rather than... clothing 4283 -- NY Times 4284% 4285Brother Jim's recent appearance on the William and Mary campus this past 4286week was cut short by an ingenious device designed by two computer science 4287students. A three-foot bar of extruded aluminum was precisely machined, 4288with a hole milled down the center of precisely the dimensions of one of 4289the small Gideon bibles. The end capped off, a CO2 canister was connected 4290to provide up to 2,000 PSIG. Preliminary estimates during field testing 4291revealed a muzzle velocity of approximately 120-150 MPH for bibles exiting 4292the tube. Sufficient ammunition was obtained during a previous visit to 4293campus by another religious organization, and the system was first used on 4294Brother Jim, who suffered a broken rib and numerous small bruises, in 4295addition to the usual humiliation. 4296% 4297Brunette bush, n.: 4298 The dark side of the moon. 4299% 4300Bug, n.: 4301 A son of a glitch. 4302% 4303Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, 4304Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was 4305the new bait. The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; 4306nobody cares much about cheese, except mice. But when American 4307Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in 4308the country was hopelessly trapped. 4309 -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" 4310% 4311But if it's 80% glucose, then why does it taste salty? 4312 -- Anonymous med school student 4313% 4314But they'll never mechanize me -- not me! 4315Said Charlotte, the Louisville harlot. 4316 -- S.I. Hayakawa 4317% 4318But we've only fondled the surface of that subject. 4319 -- Virginia Masters, of Master & Johnson 4320% 4321Buy old masters. They fetch better prices than old mistresses. 4322 -- Lord Beaverbrook 4323% 4324By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you 4325get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. 4326 -- Socrates 4327% 4328CAD: 4329 A man who doesn't tell his wife 4330 that he's sterile until she's pregnant. 4331% 4332CALIFORNIA: 4333 From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English 'calorie' or 4334 Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual intercourse" or 4335 "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." 4336 -- Ed Moran, Covina, California 4337% 4338California is proud to be the home of the freeway. 4339 -- Ronald Reagan 4340% 4341Call for Ms. Lingus, Ms. Connie Lingus... 4342% 4343Callgirl, n.: 4344 A negotiable blond. 4345% 4346Camille's Axiom: 4347 If you haven't asked yourself, "Why the hell did 4348 I go to college anyway?", you must be teaching. 4349% 4350"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your penis?" 4351 4352"Uh, not right now." 4353 4354"Tsk. A girl has to have some standards." 4355 -- "Real Genius" 4356% 4357Canada is so square even the female impersonators are women. 4358 -- From the movie "Outrageous" 4359% 4360CANCER (June 21 - July 22) 4361 You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems. 4362 They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. 4363 That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare 4364 recipients are Cancer people. 4365% 4366Candy 4367Is dandy 4368But liquor 4369Is quicker. 4370 -- Ogden Nash, "Reflections on Ice-Breaking" 4371 4372Fortune updates the great quotes: #53. 4373 Candy is dandy; but liquor is quicker, 4374 and sex won't rot your teeth. 4375% 4376Captain Hook died of jock itch. 4377% 4378"Carefully study these two enlarged photographs on display, Mr. Rafferty," 4379the attorney for a politician suing a newspaper for libel instructed his 4380client on the witness stand, "and indicate which is your ass and which is 4381a hole in the ground." 4382% 4383Catholicism has changed tremendously in the recent years. Now when 4384Communion is served there is also a salad bar. 4385 -- Bill Maher 4386% 4387Ce livre est dedie a Chagrin, This book is dedicated to Chagrin, 4388Qui fit un petit mannequin: Who fashioned a small doll: 4389 Sans bras et tout noir, Without arms and all black, 4390 Il etait affreux voir; It was horrible sight; 4391En effet, absolument la fin. In effect, the absolute end. 4392 -- Edward Gorey 4393% 4394Champagne don't make me lazy. 4395Cocaine don't drive me crazy. 4396Ain't nobody's business but my own. 4397 -- Taj Mahal 4398% 4399Chaste makes waste. 4400% 4401Chastity: 4402 The most unnatural of the sexual perversions. 4403 -- Aldous Huxley 4404% 4405CHASTITY BELT: 4406 An anti-trust suit. 4407 4408 (And an unchivalrous knight is the one that files it.) 4409% 4410Chastity is its own punishment. 4411% 4412Chicago has journalists' bars, ethnic bars, neighborhood bars, even midget 4413bars, hundreds, maybe thousands of bars, on every neighborhood block. 4414I was drinking on afternoon in O'Rourke's, a bar on the Near North side. 4415It was dark and empty, which suited my mood. A fat, stubble-bearded, 4416middle-aged man waddled in, took the stool next to mine, and ordered a 4417beer. He was completely unremarkable, except that he was dressed, head 4418to toe, in a white-lace wedding gown. After a silence, I said, "Been to 4419a wedding?" 4420 He brushed back his veil, rustled his petticoats and said, "Uh... 4421yeah." 4422 He silently finished his drink and left. The bartender said, "You 4423know, even the transvestites in this town have five o'clock shadows." 4424% 4425Chipmunks roasting on an open fire 4426Jack Frost ripping up your nose 4427Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire 4428And folks dressed up like buffaloes 4429Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow 4430Helps to make the season right 4431Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out 4432Will find it hard to see tonight 4433They know that Santa's on his way 4434He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh 4435And every mother's child is sure to spy 4436To see if reindeer really scream when they die 4437And so I'm offering this simple phrase 4438To kids from one to ninety two 4439Although it's been said many times, many ways 4440Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!! 4441% 4442Chorus: 4443 I don't want to join the army, I don't want to go to war, 4444 I'd rather sit around, pickin' dillies off the ground, 4445 And livin' off the favors of an 'igh-born lady. 4446 I don't want a bullet up me arse 'ole, 4447 I don't want me pecker blown away, 4448 I'd rather live in England, in jolly, sunny, England, 4449 And fornicate me bloody life away!! 4450 4451Monday I touched her on the ankle, 4452Tuesday I touched her on the knee, 4453And Wednesday after Mass, I lifted up her dress, 4454And Thursday I saw you know what, 4455Friday I put me 'and upon it, 4456Saturday she gave me balls a tweak [tweak, tweak] 4457And Sunday after supper, I ran me fucker up 'er, 4458And now she pays me forty quid a week! 4459Oh, blimey... 4460 4461[chorus] 4462% 4463Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not 4464committing them? 4465 -- Jules Feiffer 4466% 4467CHRISTIAN: 4468 One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far 4469 as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. 4470% 4471Christian, n.: 4472 One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired 4473book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who 4474follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent 4475with a life of sin. 4476% 4477Christianity and Judaism aren't all that different, really. Growing up in 4478a Christian family, the feeling of guilt for Man's sins comes from God. 4479In a Jewish family, it comes from your parents. 4480% 4481Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found 4482difficult and not tried. 4483 -- G. K. Chesterton 4484% 4485CHRISTMAS: 4486 A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry 4487 salads, family get-togethers; for others, noted as having the best 4488 response time of the entire year. 4489% 4490CHRISTMAS: 4491 A time when each of us gets to reflect upon what we each most 4492 deeply and sincerely believe in. Money. At the mall of our 4493 choice. 4494% 4495Christmas comes but once a year, 4496A time for love and laughter; 4497You can come much more than that, 4498But you have to clean up after. 4499% 4500Cinderella 10: 4501 A woman who sucks and fucks 'til midnight and 4502 then turns into a pizza and a six-pack. 4503% 4504Clark Kent is a transvestite. 4505% 4506Clarke's Third Law: 4507 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from 4508magic. 4509 4510G's Third Law: 4511 In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe 4512is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit. 4513 4514H's Dictum: 4515 There is no magic... 4516% 4517Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to fuck, 4518and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the contrary. 4519 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" 4520% 4521Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to 4522fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the 4523contrary. 4524 -- Tom Robbins 4525% 4526Cleveland still lives. God MUST be dead. 4527% 4528Clitoris, n.: 4529 A haired trigger. 4530% 4531CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range) 4532 4533Oh, give me a clone 4534Of my own flesh and bone 4535 With the Y chromosome changed to X. 4536And when she is grown, 4537My very own clone, 4538 We'll be of the opposite sex. 4539 4540Chorus: 4541 Clone, clone of my own, 4542 With the Y chromosome changed to X. 4543 And when we're alone, 4544 Since her mind is my own, 4545 She'll be thinking of nothing but sex. 4546 -- Randall Garrett 4547% 4548Close the door, let me give you what you've been waiting for!! 4549% 4550Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money. 4551% 4552Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know -- I've been using it for years. 4553 -- Tallulah Bankhead 4554% 4555Cocaine: using tomorrow's energy today. 4556% 4557Cocaine's a joke! 4558 (Who's got the next line?) 4559% 4560Cock-sucker, n.: 4561 Someone who got caught doing what you got away with. 4562% 4563Coffee without caffeine. Beer without alcohol. Milk without fat. 4564What's next? Bridal suites with bunk beds? 4565 -- Orben's Current Comedy 4566% 4567Coito ergo sum 4568% 4569Coitus interruptus, n.: 4570 A jerky movement following the words (by either sex partner) 4571 "I want to have your child." 4572% 4573Coitus is punishment for the happiness of being together. Live as 4574ascetically as possible... that is the only possible way for me to 4575endure marriage. But she? 4576 -- Franz Kafka 4577% 4578Coitus upon a cadaver 4579Is the ultimate way you can have 'er. 4580 Her inanimate state 4581 Means a man needn't wait, 4582And eliminates all the palaver. 4583% 4584Cold, adj.: 4585 When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions. 4586% 4587Cold, adj.: 4588 When your dog sticks to the fire hydrant. 4589% 4590College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months 4591later you wish you'd never come. 4592% 4593Come along and sing a song and join our family. 4594B & D 4595S & M 4596Post to A.S.B.! 4597Rope and leather, cuffs and cats, and toys from JTT. 4598B & D 4599S & M 4600Post to A.S.B.! 4601A.S.B.! 4602 (A.S.B.!) 4603A.S.B.! 4604 (A.S.B.!) 4605Come on now, let's try another tie! 4606 (Tie! Tie! Tie!) 4607All the kinky folks are here, and some on IRC. 4608B & D 4609S & M 4610Post on A.S.B.! 4611 -- To the Mickey Mouse March 4612% 4613Come on, Virginia, don't make me wait! 4614Catholic girls start much too late, 4615Ah, but sooner or later, it comes down to fate, 4616I might as well be the one. 4617Well, they showed you a statue, told you to pray, 4618Built you a temple and locked you away, 4619Ah, but they never told you the price that you paid, 4620The things that you might have done. 4621So come on, Virginia, show me a sign, 4622Send up a signal, I'll throw you a line, 4623That stained glass curtain that you're hiding behind, 4624Never lets in the sun. 4625Darling, only the good die young! 4626 -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young" 4627% 4628Come up and see me sometime. Come Wednesday, that's amateur night. 4629 -- Mae West 4630% 4631COMMENT: 4632 A superfluous element of a source program included so the 4633 programmer can remember what the hell it was he was doing 4634 six months later. Only the weak-minded need them, according 4635 to those who think they aren't. 4636% 4637Communists do it without class. 4638% 4639Computer scientists are programmed to do it by macro insertion. 4640% 4641Computerfirm nymphomaniac, n.: 4642 Hot Apple pie. 4643% 4644Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears. 4645% 4646Condoms are the feminists' revenge on men for diaphragms. 4647 -- Robin Williams 4648% 4649Confucius say: 4650 man who lay girl on hill, not on level. 4651 man who pull out too fast leave rubber. 4652 man who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand. 4653 modern house without toilet uncanny. 4654 man with athletic finger make broad jump 4655 woman should not marry basketball players -- they dribble before 4656 they shoot. 4657 man who sleep in road wake up with run-down feeling. 4658 woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, may get tit bit. 4659 child conceived in back seat of car with automatic transmission 4660 turn out to be shiftless bastard. 4661 a smart man knows on which side his broad is better. 4662 man who arrives late to party will find himself beaten to the punch! 4663% 4664Confucius say: 4665 man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead. 4666 man who fishes in other man's well often catch crabs. 4667 man and mouse the same, both end up in pussy. 4668 boy who play with himself pulls boner. 4669 woman who cooks carrots and pees in same pot very unsanitary. 4670 man who marry girl with no bust has right to feel low down. 4671 man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet. 4672 man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day. 4673 man who lie under car, get tired 4674 man who stand behind car, get exhausted. 4675% 4676Confucius say: 4677 woman who put man in dog house find him in cat house. 4678 woman who spring on inner-spring this spring, have off-spring 4679 next spring. 4680 man who kiss girl's behind, get crack in face. 4681 passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly. 4682 man who kicked in testicles get left holding bag. 4683 man who suck nipples make clean breast of things. 4684 woman who slide down bannister make monkey shine. 4685 woman's virginity like balloon, one prick and all gone. 4686 Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best. 4687 squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts. 4688 epileptic woman who give blow-job may bite big one. 4689 seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak. 4690% 4691Confucius say: 4692 woman who ride bicycle peddle ass around town. 4693 fool man climb tree to get cherries; wise man spread limbs. 4694 woman who fly upside down in airplane have big crack up. 4695 man who live in glass house should bathe in the basement. 4696 man who make love on ground have piece on Earth. 4697 man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key. 4698 man who fights with wife all day, gets not peace at night. 4699 man who make oral love to epileptic woman may get tongue-tied. 4700 man with head up ass have shitty outlook on life. 4701 man who streak unsuited for work. 4702 woman who bathe in vinegar have sour puss. 4703 man who beat off in car have hot rod. 4704% 4705CONFUSION: 4706 One woman plus one left turn. 4707EXCITEMENT: 4708 Two women plus one secret. 4709BEDLAM: 4710 Three women plus one bargain. 4711CHAOS: 4712 Four women plus one luncheon check. 4713% 4714Confusion, n.: 4715 Father's Day in San Francisco. 4716% 4717Conservative, n.: 4718 One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead. 4719 -- Leo C. Rosten 4720% 4721Conserve energy -- make love more slowly. 4722% 4723CONSULTANT: 4724 Someone who knows 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date. 4725% 4726Continental breakfast, n.: 4727 A roll in bed with some honey. 4728% 4729Coors, n.: 4730 Like making love in a canoe -- fucking close to water. 4731% 4732Copa-ulation: 4733(to the tune of Copacabana) 4734 4735Her name was Lola, she was a bimbo, with yellow streamers in her hair, 4736She wore see-through underwear, she'd go to discos, and do the go-go, 4737And while she tried to be star, Tony jacked off on the bar, 4738And when the dance was done, his hand was full of come, 4739His favorite drink is cream in coffee, 4740Won't you order one? 4741 4742At the Copa, Copa-ulation ... 4743 4744Her name was Lola, she was a show-girl, 4745But that was thirty years ago, when she still could slurp and blow, 4746Now she's a sado, but not for Tony, still in her chains and leather gown, 4747She ties Rico to the ground, and fucks that boy half-blind, 4748But Rico, he don't mind, there are whips and a lot of beatings, 4749But a real good time ... 4750% 4751Couples in motion have moments. 4752% 4753Courage, n.: 4754 Two cannibals having oral sex. 4755% 4756Cover your stump before you hump. 4757Before you attack her, wrap your wacker. 4758Don't be silly... protect your Willie. 4759Wrap it in foil before checking her oil. 4760If you're not going to sack it, go home and wack it. 4761 -- National Condom Week 4762% 4763Cox's philosophy: 4764 Life's a bitch, then you die. 4765% 4766Coyote love, n.: 4767 Coyote love is a nebulous term. Basically, what it involves is 4768 the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles 4769 bar. Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping 4770 on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you 4771 chew off your arm at the shoulder. 4772 4773Coyote ugly, adj.: 4774 When you chew off the other arm 'cause she'll be looking for 4775 a one-armed man! 4776 4777See also proof that average instantaneous beauty increases monotonically 4778as alcohol consumption increases and time, t, approaches last call. 4779% 4780"Creation science" has not entered the curriculum for a reason so simple 4781and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and 4782because good teachers understand exactly why it is false. What could be 4783more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our 4784entire intellectual heritage -- good teaching -- than a bill forcing 4785honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment 4786to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any 4787general understanding of science as an enterprise? 4788 -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Skeptical Inquirer" 4789% 4790Crew, n.: 4791 Eight big men and their cute little cox. 4792% 4793Cried Miss Pratt: "What are you staring at? 4794I know - you don't have to say that! 4795 All you guys want of me 4796 Is a poke where I pee, 4797And it's pounding my ass mighty flat!" 4798% 4799Crinklaw's Observation: 4800 Nowadays the order of life is reversed: Sex is first enjoyed, 4801 marriage follows, and after marriage comes abstinence. 4802% 4803Cum Hilde autem ambulabat 4804Homo qui aedificabat. 4805 Dixit volebat. Debet et potebat. 4806 Sic ille ducebat. Statim faciebat. 4807Sed virginem pine necebat. 4808% 4809Cunnilingus is next to cleanliness. 4810% 4811Cunnilingus is next to godliness. 4812% 4813Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back. 4814% 4815Dad," the 13-year-old boy asked, looking up from his social-studies text, 4816"what did you do during the sexual revolution?" 4817 "Well, son," his father confided, "I guess you could say I was 4818captured early and spent the duration doing the dishes." 4819% 4820Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true, 4821Daisy, Daisy, wouldn't you like to screw? 4822I really must beg your pardon, 4823But I've got a hell of a hard-on, 4824From beating my meat, against the seat, 4825Of a bicycle built for two. 4826 -- "Daisy, Daisy", "The Dirty Song Book" 4827% 4828Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches 4829Got on with her grooms and her wenches: 4830 She went down on the gents, 4831 And pronged the girl's vents 4832With a clitoris reaching six inches. 4833% 4834Dames lie about anything -- just for practice. 4835 -- Raymond Chandler 4836% 4837Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you? FIRST you rape, 4838THEN you pillage!! 4839% 4840Damned if I know. And you can be fuckin' sure I'll never rent no car 4841from Avis again. 4842 -- Herbie Sperling, on the meaning of two pistols and an 4843 axe used in three murders being found in the trunk of 4844 his rented car. 4845 4846If you guys have a beef with her, that's her problem. Don't lay it on 4847me. The old lady has to take care of her own weight. 4848 -- Herbie Sperling, convicted heroin dealer, on being 4849 arrested for narcotics possession at his mother's house. 4850 4851 At his sentencing, Herbie Sperling proved that he was the all-time 4852stand-up guy. 4853 Sperling's lawyer made a lengthy, impassioned plea for his client. 4854He talked of mercy, justice, humanity to fellow men who have chosen the wrong 4855path. Yes, the crimes were serious, yes, Mr. Sperling deserves a prison 4856sentence, but the maximum sentence was not warranted. 4857 Then the judge turned to Sperling. "Mr. Sperling, is there anything 4858you wish to say?" 4859 "Yes, Your Honor. If you think I'm going to beg for mercy, you've 4860got another think coming. You're all a bunch of fucking fascist cocksuckers, 4861you can all go to hell, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you..." 4862 -- Gregory Wallace, "Papa's Game" 4863% 4864Dance is the vertical expression of a horizontal intention. 4865% 4866date; talk; touch; unzip; finger; expand; strip; head; mount; yes; yes; yes; 4867eject; more; sleep 4868% 4869Dave has an aeroplane, 4870In which he likes to frisk. 4871Oh what a foolish boy, 4872His silly *. 4873% 4874David was just a shepherd who liked to get his rocks off in leather. 4875% 4876De Hispanice puella verumque 4877Simplex oris verborumque 4878 Tulit potens vagina 4879 Hominum agmina 4880Iterum iterum iterumque. 4881% 4882Dear Abby: 4883 I have two brothers. One was sent to the electric chair when I was 4884a child. My mother died in an insane asylum. My father is a pimp and my 4885sister is a very successful and highly paid prostitute. My other brother 4886is a graduate student attending Purdue University. 4887 Recently I met a wonderful girl who has just been released from prison 4888for murdering her illegitimate child with a Zip-loc sandwich bag. We're very 4889much in love and want to be married after her venereal disease is cured. 4890 My problem is this: should I tell her about my brother at Purdue? 4891 4892 Sincerely, 4893 Undecided. 4894% 4895Dear Abby: 4896 I just met the most terrific girl and we get along fabulously. I 4897think she's the one for me. There's just one problem: I can't remember 4898from our first date if she told me she had TB or VD. What should I do? 4899 -- Confused 4900 4901Dear Confused: 4902 If she coughs, fuck her. 4903% 4904Dear Ann Landers: 4905 I have a problem. I have two brothers; one works for the Illinois 4906Bell Telephone Company, the other brother was just sentenced to death 4907in the electric chair for murder. My mother died from insanity when 4908I was three years old. My two sisters are prostitutes and my father 4909sells narcotics. 4910 I recently met girl who was just released from a reformatory where 4911she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I love 4912this girl and want to marry her. My problem is this -- dare I tell her 4913about my brother who works for Illinois Bell? 4914 -- Confused 4915% 4916Dear Ann Landers: 4917 My husband watches the TV preachers every Sunday. He claims 4918one minister said there are 350 different sins. My husband wants to 4919know if you can get the list. He thinks he is missing something. 4920 -- E.J. Mayfield 4921% 4922Dear Lord, observe this bended knee 4923This visage meek and humble, 4924And hear this confidential plea 4925Voiced in reverent mumble: 4926 Give me Shylock, give me Fagin 4927 But O God spare me Ronald Reagan! 4928 -- Ansel Adams 4929% 4930Dear Miss Manners: 4931Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face. 4932 4933Gentle Reader: 4934Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on your face. 4935If the gentleman sprayed you inadvertently to accompany enthusiastic 4936discourse, you may step back two paces, bring out your handkerchief, 4937and go through the motions of wiping your nose, while trailing the cloth 4938along your face to pick up whatever needs mopping along the route. If, 4939however, the substance was acquired as a result of enthusiasm of a more 4940intimate nature, you may delicately retrieve it with a flick of your 4941pink tongue. 4942% 4943Dear Mr. Seldes: I cannot remember the exact wording of the statement 4944to which you allude; but what I meant was that ... a man who calls 4945himself a 100% American and is proud of it, is generally 150% an idiot 4946politically. But the designations may be good business for war 4947veterans. Having bled for their country in 1861 and 1918, they have 4948bled it all they could consequently. And why not? 4949 -- George Seldes, "The Great Quotations" 4950% 4951Democracy can learn some things from Communism: for example, when a 4952Communist politician is through, he is through. 4953% 4954Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for 4955the people. 4956 -- Oscar Wilde 4957% 4958Demonstrating once again the importance of the lowly comma, this 4959telegram was sent from a wife to her husband: 4960 "NOT GETTING ANY, BETTER COME HOME AT ONCE." 4961% 4962Desperate because her husband hadn't made love to her in months, a lonely 4963housewife finally mustered her courage and went to their doctor for advice. 4964The doctor was very sympathetic and wrote out a prescription for pills that 4965were guaranteed to rekindle the husband's ardor in a big way. "They'll make 4966him horny as hell," the doctor confided, "but they're very potent, so just 4967put one in whatever he's drinking." 4968 Upon arriving home, the woman left the pills on the kitchen counter 4969and dashed off to the supermarket. It didn't take long before the cat jumped 4970up, knocked them over onto the floor, and ate a couple, as did the family 4971dog. And when the husband got home with a headache, he took a few thinking 4972they were aspirin. 4973 When the housewife returned, she was horrified to see the dog humping 4974the cat and the cat jumping all over the dog, but even stranger was the sight 4975of her husband with his penis inside the pencil sharpener on the counter. 4976"What in heaven's name are you doing, John?" she cried. 4977 "See that mosquito?" he replied. 4978% 4979Dial 911. Make a cop come. 4980% 4981Diaphragm, n.: 4982 A childproof cap. 4983% 4984Dicker, v.: 4985 What you do to your wife if arguing doesn't work. 4986% 4987Did Detroit invent the back seat to destroy the morals of America? 4988 -- Ed Sanders 4989% 4990Did you hear about... 4991 the butcher who dropped his cleaver and went home half-cocked? 4992% 4993Did you hear about... 4994 the plastic surgeon who hung himself? 4995% 4996Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recently divorced mother 4997her age? She told him that was not a question to ask and that he shouldn't 4998ask it again. He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that 4999she wouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again. The next 5000question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced. Once again, she told 5001him that it was not a question he should ask and to not ask that question 5002again. 5003 Some time later, she found him looking through her purse. Sharply 5004asking him what he was doing resulted in him beamingly telling her that he 5005had found the answers to all of his questions! 5006 "Mom", he said, "your driver's license says you're 34 years old, weigh 5007125 pounds, and you and Daddy probably divorced 'cause you got an 'F' in sex!" 5008% 5009Did you hear about the nearsighted fetishist who got off on the wrong foot? 5010% 5011Did you hear about the new German microwave oven? 5012 5013 ... Seats 500. 5014% 5015Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll? 5016You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand. 5017% 5018Did you hear about young Henry Lockett? 5019He was blown down the street by a rocket. 5020 The force of the blast 5021 Blew his balls up his ass, 5022And his pecker was found in his pocket. 5023% 5024Did you hear they canceled Easter this year? 5025Found the body. 5026% 5027Did you know that some people your age have sex 5028thirty-seven times in a week? And die immediately after? 5029% 5030Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"? 5031% 5032Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.? 5033% 5034Dig it, first they killed those pigs, then they ate dinner in the same 5035room with them, then they even shoved a fork in a victim's stomach. Wild! 5036 -- Bernadine Dohrn, on the Manson killings 5037% 5038Disclaimer of the Week: 5039 Any Society Which Requires Disclaimers Has Too Many Goddamn Lawyers. 5040% 5041Disillusioned words like bullets bark, 5042As human gods aim for their mark, 5043Make everything from toy guns that spark 5044To flesh-colored christs that glow in the dark. 5045It's easy to see without looking too far 5046That not much is really sacred. 5047% 5048Distributed Systems people do it loosely coupled. 5049% 5050[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are 5051two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: 5052 5053(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and 5054 confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold 5055 a press conference where you announce that they have a street value 5056 of $850 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools, 5057 including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana 5058 cigarettes in the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker 5059 factory puts them there. 5060(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you 5061 announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a 5062 piece of human sleaze. This also never fails, because you always 5063 get a conviction. A juror at a pornography trial is not about to 5064 state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie 5065 where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a 5066 fire extinguisher. He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and 5067 vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong 5068 impression. 5069 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 5070% 5071DIVE!!! DIVE!!! DIVE!!! 5072UP PERISCOPE!!! 5073 5074(Ooops, sorry, wrong fantasy.) 5075% 5076Divorce, n.: 5077 A change of wife. 5078% 5079Do married women make the best wives? 5080% 5081Do not permit a woman to ask forgiveness, for that is only the first 5082step. The second is justification of herself by accusation of you. 5083 -- DeGourmont 5084% 5085Do not rejoice in his defeat, you men, 5086For though the world stood up 5087And stopped the bastard, 5088The bitch that bore him is in heat again. 5089 -- Bertolt Brecht 5090% 5091Do something big -- fuck a giant 5092% 5093"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist. 5094"Who else?" answered the patient. 5095% 5096Do you smoke after sex? 5097Why, do you know, I've never looked! 5098% 5099Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning. 5100% 5101Does he treat your breasts like unripe grapefruit? Who needs him? 5102 -- J, "The Sensuous Woman" 5103% 5104Does it rape elephants? 5105 -- Brent Byer 5106% 5107Doing business with the government is like fucking sheep. 5108It's easy, but it's not very satisfying. 5109% 5110Don't accept rides from strange men -- and remember that all men 5111are strange as hell. 5112 -- Robin Morgan, "Sisterhood Is Powerful" 5113% 5114Don't dip your wick in a WAC, 5115Don't ride the breast of a WAVE, 5116 Just sit in the sand 5117 And do it by hand, 5118And buy bonds with the money you save. 5119% 5120Don't forget to support the ERA apersonment. 5121% 5122Don't get the idea that I'm one of those goddamn radicals. Don't get the 5123idea that I'm knocking the American system. 5124 -- Al Capone 5125% 5126Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love. 5127 -- Woody Allen 5128% 5129Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash. 5130 -- Bo Diddley 5131% 5132Don't look now -- your office mate is a pederast!!! 5133% 5134Don't look now, but your mother is having sex with a horse. 5135% 5136Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get 5137you through times of no dope. 5138 -- Freewheelin' Franklin, "The Fabulous Furry Freak 5139 Brothers" by Gilbert Shelton 5140% 5141Down by the old model T, 5142Where she first showed it to me. 5143 It was furry and black, 5144 And she called it a crack, 5145But it looked like a manhole to me. 5146% 5147Draft beer, not boys! 5148% 5149Draft beer, not people 5150% 5151Dry fucking: that's man on top of woman, the action is the same as fucking, 5152but you're dressed. It's great for the girl... you're hitting and rubbing 5153exactly the area that you ought to be... I still like that. 5154 -- Grace Slick 5155% 5156Due to a mixup in urology, orange juice will not be served this morning. 5157% 5158Dull women have immaculate homes. 5159% 5160DuPont, I.G., Monsanto, and Shell 5161Built a world-circling pussy cartel, 5162 And by planned obsolescence, 5163 So controlled detumescence, 5164A poor man could not get a smell. 5165% 5166During the darkest days of World War II, when each night brought waves of 5167Luftwaffe bombers raining death and destruction on a near-defenseless London, 5168Prime Minister Churchill went on the air to address the British people. "I 5169read this morning's paper that Herr Hitler plans to wring England's neck like 5170that of a chicken," he began, "and I was reminded of what the Irish poacher 5171said as he stood on the gallows. It seems the poor fellow was approached by a 5172well-meaning if somewhat overzealous priest who, in horrific detail, described 5173the unfading torments of Hades which awaited him if he did not repent of his 5174misdeeds. The condemned man listened patiently to all that the priest had to 5175say, and when he was done, grinned broadly and replied, 'Eat it raw, fuzz 5176nuts.'" 5177 -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon 5178% 5179Dyke, n.: 5180 A woman who kick-starts her vibrator. And rolls her own 5181 tampons. 5182% 5183Dyslexia means never having to say that you're ysror. 5184% 5185Dyslexics have more fnu. 5186% 5187DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE! 5188% 5189Early to bed and early to rise makes a man a helluva big nuisance. 5190% 5191Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling. 5192% 5193Eat shit and die a virgin! 5194% 5195Eat the rich -- the poor are tough and stringy. 5196% 5197Economists are still trying to figure out why the 5198girls with the least principle draw the most interest. 5199% 5200EE's do it without shorts. 5201% 5202Eighteen goddess-like daughters are not equal to one son with a hump. 5203 -- Chinese Proverb 5204% 5205Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. 5206 -- Jackie Mason 5207% 5208Eisenhower was very nice, 5209Nixon was his only vice. 5210 -- C. Degen 5211% 5212Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man: 5213 (1) Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to 5214 sleep in the wet spot. 5215 (2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find 5216 themselves. 5217 (3) You won't find out later that your cucumber (a) is 5218 married, (b) is on penicillin, (c) likes you -- but loves 5219 your brother! 5220 (4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is. 5221 (5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are 5222 wet. 5223 (6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a 5224 boy". 5225 (7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count. 5226 (8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun. 5227 (9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the 5228 pillow. 5229 (10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do. 5230 (11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you 5231 left it. 5232% 5233Embarrassment, n.: 5234 Finding out your German Shepherd has the clap. 5235% 5236Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant 5237professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a 5238male schlemiel. 5239 -- Ewald Nyquist 5240% 5241Erogenous zone, n.: 5242 The skin you touch to love. 5243% 5244Es giebt ein Arbeiter von Tinz, 5245Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz. 5246 Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen, 5247 Ich hore Mann kommen." 5248"Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz." 5249% 5250Eternity, n.: 5251 The length of time between when you come and he leaves. 5252% 5253Ethnologists up with the Sioux 5254Wired home for two punts, one canoe. 5255 The answer next day, 5256 Said, "Girls on the way, 5257But what the hell's a `panoe'?" 5258% 5259Evangelists do it with Him watching. 5260% 5261Even bytes get lonely for a little bit. 5262% 5263Even God cannot change the past. 5264 -- Joseph Stalin 5265% 5266Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling 5267just a bit unchivalrous ... 5268 -- Robert Benchley 5269% 5270Evening hours "all clear" for romance! 5271(Tell mate you have to work late.) 5272% 5273Ever notice that the women who are against abortion are the ones you 5274wouldn't want to fuck in the first place? 5275 -- George Carlin 5276% 5277Ever wondered why you always run out of breath when you throw up? 5278Ah, but a man's retch should exceed his gasp, else what's a heaving for? 5279% 5280Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain 5281the last but one. 5282 -- Adolf Hitler 5283% 5284Every harlot was a virgin once. 5285 -- William Blake 5286% 5287Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start 5288closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive 5289like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume 5290and at least a pint of ether. 5291 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" 5292% 5293Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start 5294closing in, the only real cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then 5295drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas. 5296 -- Hunter S. Thompson 5297% 5298Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. 5299 5300Please, think of the kittens. 5301% 5302Everyone: "Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you, 5303 Amen!" 5304Bruce: "Another two! (Bottles opening.) Any questions?" 5305Bruce: "New-Bruce, are you a Poofter?" 5306Bruce: "Are you a Poofter?" 5307New-Bruce: "No!" 5308Bruce: "No. Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules: 5309 Rule One!" 5310Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!" 5311Bruce: "Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos 5312 in any way at all -- if there's anybody watching. Rule Three?" 5313Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!" 5314Bruce: "Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not 5315 drinking. Rule Five..." 5316Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!" 5317Bruce: "Rule Six, there is NO... Rule Six. Rule Seven..." 5318Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!" 5319Bruce: "Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce. This 5320 here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a 5321 bottle, you can hold it in your hand. Amen! 5322 -- Monty Python 5323% 5324Everyone has the right, without exception, to equal pay for equal work. 5325Except for women. 5326% 5327Everyone in the office is welcome to join the group going to the Columbus 5328Theater tonight. Meet in the lobby at 8:30. The films are "Blue Jennifer" 5329and "Hot Coed Cheerleaders". 5330% 5331Everyone *knows* cats are on a higher level of existence. These silly humans 5332are just to big-headed to admit their inferiority. 5333 Just think what a nicer world this would be if it were controlled by 5334cats. 5335 You wouldn't see cats having waste disposal problems. 5336 They're neat. 5337 They don't have sexual hangups. A cat gets horny, it does something 5338about it. 5339 They keep reasonable hours. You *never* see a cat up before noon. 5340 They know how to relax. Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer? 5341 What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war? Pretty negligible. 5342It's not that they can't, they just know that there are much better things to 5343do with ones time. Like lie in the sun and sleep. Or go exploring the world. 5344% 5345Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex. 5346 -- Ellyn Mustard 5347% 5348Exotic dancer, n.: 5349 A girl who brings home the bacon a strip at a time. 5350% 5351Exuberant Sue from Anjou 5352Found that fucking affected her hue. 5353 She presented to sight 5354 Nipples pink, bottom white; 5355But her asshole was purple and blue. 5356% 5357Falsie salesman, n.: 5358 Fuller bust man. 5359% 5360Famous last words: 5361 1: Everything that you'll need to know is in the manual. 5362 2: You and what army? 5363 3: Don't worry, I can handle it. 5364 4: If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't 5365 be a cop. 5366 5: I don't see how they make a profit 5367 out of this stuff at a dollar and a quarter a fifth. 5368 6: We're just getting into semantics again. 5369 7: Everything's under control. 5370 8: He's an asshole! Don't try to "shush" me! 5371% 5372Fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside. You had an arse full 5373of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows, 5374long windy ones, quick little merry cracks... 5375 -- James Joyce 5376% 5377Fed some caviar to my girlfriend 5378She was a virgin tried and true 5379Now my girlfriend needs no urgin' 5380There ain't nothin' she won't do! 5381 Caviar comes from a Virgin Sturgeon - 5382 Virgin Sturgeon's a very fine fish. 5383 Virgin Sturgeon needs no urgin' 5384 That's why caviar is my dish! 5385 5386Fed some caviar to my Grandpa 5387He was a man of ninety-three 5388Shrieks and screams were heard from Grandma 5389He had chased her up a tree! 5390 (chorus) 5391% 5392Felt tip, v.: 5393 Past tense for a breast examination! 5394% 5395Female ballet dancers are the bravest girls around. Who else would take a 5396flying leap into the arms of a homosexual and expect to be caught? 5397 -- Rita Rudner 5398% 5399Female, n.: 5400 Life support system for a pussy. 5401% 5402Feminism, n.: 5403 A political position which seeks to rebuild society so that 5404 both men and women are treated as women wish to be treated. 5405% 5406Feminists just want the human race to be a tie. 5407% 5408Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of 5409women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their 5410handbags are full. 5411 -- Earl Wilson 5412% 5413Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful, 5414licentious, dirty bum!! 5415% 5416Fig Newton. 5417% 5418Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. 5419% 5420Filth and old age, I'm sure you will agree, 5421Are powerful wardens upon chastity. 5422 -- Geoffrey Chaucer 5423% 5424Finally, a reporter got a chance to interview Tarzan. 5425 5426Reporter: Tarzan? Is that your first or last name? 5427Tarzan: Tarzan first name. 5428Reporter: Then, what's your whole name? 5429Tarzan: Tarzan of the Apes. 5430Reporter: And who is the woman with you? 5431Tarzan: That Jane. 5432Reporter: And what's Jane's whole name? 5433Tarzan: Cunt. 5434% 5435First you get down on your knees, Get in line in that processional, 5436Fiddle with your rosaries, Step into that small confessional, 5437Bow your head with great respect, There the guy who's got religion'll 5438And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect! Tell you if your sins' original. 5439Do whatever steps you want if If it is, try playin' it safer, 5440You have cleared them with the Pontiff, Drink the wine and chew the wafer, 5441Ev'rybody say his own Two, four, six eight, 5442Kyrie eleison, Time to transubstantiate! 5443Doin' the Vatican Rag. 5444 5445So get down upon your knees, Make a cross on your abdomen, 5446Fiddle with your rosaries, When in Rome do like a Roman, 5447Bow your head with great respect, Ave Maria, 5448And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect! Gee, it's good to see ya, 5449 Gettin' ecstatic an' sorta dramatic an' Doin' the Vatican Rag! 5450 -- Tom Lehrer, "The Vatican Rag" 5451% 5452Five bicycles make a Volkswagen, seven make a truck. 5453 -- Adolfo Guzman 5454% 5455Five-foot nine, eyes that shine 5456He was born in Palestine 5457Has anybody seen my Lord? 5458 5459He's so cool, he's so fine 5460Eat his bread and drink his wine 5461Has anybody seen my Lord? 5462 5463He's so neat, he's so cool, 5464Walks across my swimming pool. 5465Has anybody... 5466% 5467Flappity, floppity, flip 5468The mouse on the Mobius strip; 5469 The strip revolved, 5470 The mouse dissolved 5471In a chronodimensional skip. 5472% 5473Flirt, n.: 5474 A girl whose favorite man is the next one. 5475% 5476Floating idly one day through the air, 5477A circus performer named Blair, 5478 Tied a sizeable rock, 5479 To the end of his cock, 5480And shattered a balcony chair. 5481% 5482Floppy now, hard later. 5483% 5484Folks, what can I tell you about my next guest. This cat allowed himself 5485to be adored, but not loved. And his success in show business was matched 5486by failure in his personal relationship bag, now that's where he really 5487bombed. And he came to believe that work, show business, love, his whole 5488life, even himself and all that jazz was bullshit. He became numero uno 5489gameplayer. Uh, to the point where he didn't know where the games ended 5490and the reality began. Like to this cat, the only reality... is death, man. 5491Ladies and gentlemen, let me lay on you, a so-so entertainer, not much of 5492a humanitarian, and this cat was never nobody's friend. In his final 5493appearance on the great stage of life, uh, you can applaud if you want to, 5494Mr. Joe Gideon!! 5495 -- All That Jazz 5496% 5497Fond of equestrians, Mabel 5498Looked for true love in the stable. 5499 But she found the studs, 5500 For her were all duds, 5501Now she's out with the leg of a table. 5502% 5503For a gay time, call 632-9483. Ask for Brucie. 5504% 5505For a good time, call 632-9484. Ask for Cathy. 5506% 5507For a good time, call 632-9485. Ask for Michael. 5508% 5509For a house-to-house salesman named Moore, 5510Getting housewives' attention's no chore: 5511 He's endowed with a dong 5512 That is 12 inches long, 5513So he wedges his foot in the door. 5514% 5515For a young man, not yet: for an old man, never at all. 5516 -- Diogenes, asked when a man should marry 5517 5518When should a man marry? A young man, not yet; an elder man, not at all. 5519 -- Sir Francis Bacon, "Of Marriage and Single Life" 5520% 5521For children, a woman. 5522For pleasure, a boy. 5523For sheer ecstasy, a melon. 5524% 5525For her first week's salary the gorgeous new secretary was given an 5526exquisite nightgown of imported lace. The next week her salary was 5527raised! 5528% 5529For months the loving newlywed had asked his blushing bride to perform oral 5530sex on him, but to no avail. His sweet entreaties never worked, for she was 5531simply too innocent and inexperienced to even *think* of such a thing, let 5532alone attempt it. But a year of gentle persistence finally paid off, and 5533one night his darling nervously but lovingly performed the act. When it was 5534over, she looked deeply into his eyes, blushed, and asked, "How was I, 5535sweetheart?" 5536 He looked at her and replied, "How should I know -- I'm no 5537cocksucker!" 5538% 5539For the sores on his prick he used Dial. 5540That failed; he gave Lava a trial. 5541 But the one remedy 5542 For contagious V.D. 5543Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial. 5544% 5545"For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe, 5546"You have told me my bosom is snowy; 5547 You have made much fine verse on 5548 Each part of my person, 5549Now do something -- there's a good boy!" 5550% 5551For those of you how have been looking for evidence that a working 5552version of "Star Wars" can be built, consider the following proof 5553offered by Caspar Weinberger: 5554 5555 "If such a system is so unattainable, why have the Soviets been 5556 working desperately to get it for over 17 years?" 5557 5558 -- USA Today, 24 June 1986 5559% 5560Fornication, n.: 5561 Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with. 5562% 5563FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #15 5564 5565Sex: 5566 Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of 5567foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay. 5568 5569Maturity: 5570 Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can 5571function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards 5572and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school 5573romances rarely work out. 5574 5575Handwriting: 5576 To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just 5577chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their 5578"i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their 5579"p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even 5580when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note. 5581% 5582FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #18 5583 5584Sexual frequency: 5585 The average man would prefer having sex every evening, or every 5586morning, or maybe both if he's under 25. The average woman would like to 5587have sex non-stop all weekend, once a month. 5588 5589Shopping: 5590 It's no coincidence that L.L. Bean, Sears, and Roebuck were all men. 5591Men don't like to shop. If a man can't foist the job off on some woman, he 5592will grit his teeth and plan the outing as he would a jungle expedition. 5593He wants a map of the store showing where he has to go to get item X in 5594color Y in the correct size, which he doesn't know. Even then it takes him 5595half an hour to get there from the entrance. When he's finally accomplished 5596his mission, he'll discover that he forgot his checkbook. Women shop to 5597relax. 5598% 5599Fortune Personals: 5600 SWBiM, 29. Gr/Fr/Mild English. Have 5601 own moose, hoop. Sincere inquiries 5602 only. Discreet. Fortune P.O. Box 1910. 5603% 5604Fortune presents: 5605 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #3. 5606 5607Kie estas la plej proksima masa^gejo? Where's the nearest massage parlor? 5608Vi dolorigas min. You're hurting me. 5609Mi deziras viziti usonan kuraciston. I want to see an American doctor. 5610Mi deziras a^ceti kontraugraveda^jojn. I would like to buy some 5611 contraceptives. 5612^Cu tiu estis ankau bona por ci? Was it good for you too? 5613% 5614Fortune presents: 5615 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #4. 5616Mia ^svebo^sipo estas plena je angiloj. My hovercraft is full of eels. 5617Neniu anticipas la hispanan No one expects the Spanish 5618 Inkvizicion. Inquisition. 5619La solvo estas kvardekdu. The answer is forty-two. 5620Adiau, kaj dankoj por ^ciom da fi^so. So long, and thanks for all the fish. 5621^Cu estas krajono en via po^so, au ^cu Is that a pencil in your pocket, 5622 vi feli^cas pri vidi min? or are you happy to see me? 5623% 5624Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands! 5625 5626Try: 5627 [Where is Jimmy Hoffa? (C shell) 5628 ^How did the^sex change operation go? (C shell) 5629 "How would you rate BSD vs. System V? 5630 %blow (C shell) 5631 'thou shalt not mow thy grass at 8am' (C shell) 5632 got a light? (C shell) 5633 !!:Say, what do you think of margarine? (C shell) 5634 PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense (Bourne shell) 5635 make love 5636 make "the perfect dry martini" 5637 man -kisses dog (anything up to 4.3BSD) 5638 i=Hoffa ; >$i; $i; rm $i; rm $i (Bourne shell) 5639% 5640FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #3 5641 5642You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this 5643proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your 5644proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits into 5645your coffee. You: 5646 5647 (a) Tell him you take your coffee black. 5648 (b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases. 5649 (c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a piss in his 5650 "In" basket. 5651 (d) Take a sip and comment how much better it tastes. 5652% 5653FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #5 5654 5655You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January and 5656tell your boss that nobody but ladies of the evening and football players 5657live there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You: 5658 5659 (a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't 5660 remember your name. 5661 (b) Ask what position she played. 5662 (c) Ask if she is still working the streets. 5663 (d) Pull lacy underwear from your raincoat pocket and ask 5664 if he recognizes the label. 5665% 5666FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #6 5667 5668You are having lunch with a prospective vendor talking about what could be 5669your best deal of the year. During the conversation a blonde walks into 5670the restaurant and she is so stunning you draw your companion's attention 5671to her and give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone 5672in your hotel. She walks over to your table and the vendor introduces her as 5673his daughter. Your next move is to: 5674 5675 (a) Ask for her hand in marriage. 5676 (b) Pass out and hope for sympathy. 5677 (c) Forget the business; repeat the conversation to the 5678 daughter and get her number. 5679 (d) Turn red and slink off into the men's room. 5680% 5681FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #7 5682You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January 5683and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live 5684there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You: 5685 5686 (a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your 5687 name. 5688 (b) Ask what position she played. 5689 (c) Pull a pair of lacey underwear from your pocket and ask if 5690 he recognizes the label. 5691% 5692Fortune understands that the vote on a bill to legalize bisexuality 5693could go either way. 5694% 5695Fortune's Guide to Movies: 5696G: No girl. 5697PG: The hero gets the girl. 5698R: The bad guy gets the girl, then the good guy gets the girl. 5699X: The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure 5700 which end it will be. 5701XXX: Everybody gets the girl. 5702% 5703Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #25: 5704 5705Q: You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you, 5706 and you didn't scream? 5707A: No ma'am. 5708Q: Does that mean you consented? 5709A: No, ma'am. That means I was unconscious. 5710% 5711Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #1 5712 5713 Any attempt to say that someone's personal beliefs are wrong, even if 5714you supply conclusive evidence to support your claim, is an outright attack. 5715If you show someone a flaw in his/her logic, they have every right to punch 5716you in the face. Mathematical proofs of errors are the moral equivalent 5717of rape and should be avoided at all cost. 5718 Now... your opponent has requested a "rational discussion". What do 5719you do? Well, remember that people are normally willing to discuss things 5720rationally if and only if you agree with them; anything less would obviously 5721not be rational. Therefore, agree immediately, and continue as before. 5722 Always assume that whenever you see someone making a statement about 5723"certain parties who shall remain nameless", "some people", "assholes", etc., 5724they are talking about *you*. It is also correct to assume that words you 5725don't understand, such as "prestidigatory", "lapidarian", and "buprestid", 5726are direct personal attacks aimed at your loved ones and merit an equally 5727scathing response. Failure to do this results in many lost opportunities for 5728rational discussion. (See above.) 5729% 5730Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #3 5731 5732The proper time for a vicious ad hominem attack is when you have no logical 5733recourse. If you have been arguing a point with a person or persons for 573430 odd weeks, and a memo comes across that logically tears down the 5735final shred of evidence that you thought you had, that is the time to call 5736the author of that memo: 5737 1: a mindless twit who attacks other people's beliefs for no reason. 5738 2: an egotistical flaming typical wombat aggie melon-humping 5739 cheese-whizzing nanosexual subuseless clamsucker whose memos 5740 are apparently sneezed onto his/her terminal. 5741 3: something unpleasant. 5742The OTHER proper time for an ad hominem attack is immediately after someone 5743has posted something you don't understand. Given the current state of modern 5744electronic communications technology your inability to comprehend the meaning 5745of a memo constitutes a violation of western moral tradition on the part of 5746the author of that memo, and the author should be taken to task publicly via 5747a series of really nasty, name-calling oriented memos. 5748% 5749FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #5 5750 5751 Don't wear your spurs while making love in a waterbed. 5752% 5753FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #8 5754 5755 Don't wear your high heels while making love on the pool table. 5756% 5757Four men had been playing golf together for twenty years. After their usual 5758Saturday game one week, one of the men joined the other three for a post-game 5759shower for the first time. His friends were surprised - "For twenty years", 5760one of them says, "you haven't showered after our game, you've just waited for 5761us in the clubhouse. Why the sudden change?" 5762 "Well", replies their friend, "I was born with a fairly unusual 5763medical condition. I had both a penis and a vagina. Last month I finally 5764decided to have the vagina removed." 5765 The other three men look at him in disbelief and disgust. "You 5766mean," snaps one of them, "you could have played from the women's tee all 5767these years?" 5768% 5769France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't tear 5770the toilet paper. 5771 -- Billy Wilder 5772% 5773From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco and it was intensified by the 5774fact that the fellow was too insensitive and ego-ridden to realize it. The 5775moment of truth came in the supper club as he clutched the girl's thigh and 5776whispered, 5777 "Baby, how's about our cutting out to my pad so I can slip you nine 5778inches?" 5779There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said, 5780 "You know, I really don't think you could get it up three times 5781in a row!" 5782% 5783Fuck art; let's dance! 5784% 5785Fuck off and die! 5786% 5787Fuck you and anybody who looks like you. 5788% 5789Fuck'em if they can't take a joke! 5790% 5791Fucking is a filthy deed. -- I like it. 5792It satisfies a normal need. -- I like it. 5793 It makes you sick, it makes you well, 5794 It turns your spine to fucking jell, 5795It damns your soul to Eternal Hell! -- I like it. 5796% 5797Fuck-me pumps, n.: 5798 Stiletto heels of a certain length, usually black patent leather. 5799The proper designation is "throw-me-down-and-fuck-me" pumps. Shoes with 5800heels just high enough to let the frayed tip of a bullwhip trail around 5801them properly. 5802% 5803Fuckoff, n.: 5804 The tie breaker at the Miss America Beauty Pageant. 5805% 5806Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union. 5807 -- Joseph Stalin 5808% 5809Gardeners do it in raised beds. 5810% 5811GARTER: 5812 An elastic band intended to keep a woman 5813 from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country. 5814% 5815Gary Hart's biggest mistake was not getting Teddy Kennedy to drive 5816Donna Rice home. 5817% 5818GAY: 5819 One who'd rather swish than fight. 5820% 5821Gentlemen prefer blondes, but who says blondes prefer gentlemen? 5822 -- Mae West 5823% 5824Geometry teaches us to bisex angels. 5825% 5826George, after tying on a whopper the night before, woke up in the morning to 5827find a pathetically unattractive woman sleeping blissfully beside him. He 5828leaped out of bed, dressed quickly, and furtively placed $100 on top of the 5829bureau. He then started to tiptoe out of the room. But, as he passed the 5830foot of the bed, he felt a tug at his trouser leg. Glancing down, he saw 5831another female even homelier than the one he'd left in bed. She gazed up 5832at him soulfully, and asked, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?" 5833% 5834George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but 5835he also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't 5836punish him? Because George still had the axe in his hand. 5837% 5838GEORGIA: 5839 Where kinky sex means getting laid. 5840% 5841"Get a load of that chick!" "Dude -- you gotta ask her out." 5842"Weellll, I dunno..." "Look. The worst she can say, is 'No'!" 5843"Hey! You're right!" "I'm always right!" 5844"The worst she can say... is 'No'!" 5845 5846"Idunnoifyou'vebeennoticingmebutI'vebeennoticingyouandIwaswonderingif 5847you'd like to go out with me!" 5848 5849Oh my god you little Geek! 5850Get away before I freak! You ugly, stupid, zitfaced scum, 5851I'm a babe and you are not. You asked me out; you MUST be dumb. 5852You can't handle what I've got! Well you can beg until you're blue, 5853I'm too hot, too hot for you.. But you're not even fit to lick my shoe. 5854 I'm too hot, too hot for you. 5855Ha ha ha! Don't make me laugh! 5856I want a whole man, not a half. I've got a bitchin' bod and a killer 5857You wet your pants, I'm so sure. face, 5858Too bad wimp-itis has no cure. I'm god's gift to the male race. 5859I'm too hot, too hot for you. I'm the queen of babes supreme, 5860 But you'll only see me in you dreams. 5861"Well? What'd she say??" I'm too hot, too hot for you. 5862"Well, she didn't say no..." 5863 -- Barry and the Bookbinders, "The Worst She Can Say is No" 5864% 5865GET OFF THE FUCKING SYSTEM THIS INSTANT, YOU ASSHOLE!!!! 5866% 5867Get your bytes from our backend! 5868 -- Britton Lee 5869% 5870Getting an education at the University of California is like having 5871$50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time. 5872% 5873Getting Cheryl to shed her apparel 5874Is like shooting goldfish in a barrel. 5875 But her genital area 5876 Is so vast it'll scareya, 5877And you venture inside at your peril. 5878% 5879Gibble gabble gabble gibble gurgle lubble gibble babble beeble triggle 5880 Lean closer. 5881Libble gabble gabble ibble gurgle gubble tibble babble feeble riggle 5882 Smile at her *knowingly*. 5883Gibble gabble sabble gibble surgle gubble gibble babble beeble giggle 5884 Nod sympathetically. Show you're on *her* side. 5885Bibble gabble gabble babble gurgle gubble gibble tribble beeble figgle 5886 Touch her hand lightly. Nobody understands but we two. 5887Fibble gabble fobble gibble gurgle bubble gibble tabble beeble giggle 5888 Look sincere. 5889 5890"Why don't we have the next drink up at MY place?" 5891 5892 God's gift to women strikes again. 5893 -- J. Feiffer 5894% 5895Gimme that old bisexuality, 5896Gimme that old bisexuality, 5897Gimme that old bisexuality, 5898'Cause it's good enough for me! 5899 5900It was good for David Bowie, 5901It was good for David Bowie, 5902It was good for David Bowie, 5903And it's good enough for me! 5904% 5905Girls are better looking in snowstorms. 5906 -- Archie Goodwin 5907% 5908Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand! 5909% 5910Girls marry for love. Boys marry because of a chronic irritation 5911that causes them to gravitate in the direction of objects with 5912certain curvilinear properties. 5913 -- Ashley Montagu 5914% 5915Girls really do know just what they want -- you to figure it out for 5916yourself! 5917% 5918Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is, 5919however, a rather archaic use of the word. Should one of you boys happen 5920upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you 5921have found a lady. What you have probably found is a lesbian. 5922 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 5923% 5924Girls who throw themselves at men, 5925are actually taking very careful aim. 5926% 5927Girls would never stay out late if guys didn't make them. 5928% 5929Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. 5930 -- Mae West 5931% 5932Give me Librium or give me Meth. 5933% 5934GLEE CLUB GROUPIE: 5935 A girl into choral sex. 5936% 5937GNU Make will no longer go into an infinite loop when fed the horrid 5938trash that passes for makefiles that `imake' produces (so you can 5939compile X, despite the extreme stubbornness and irrationality of its 5940maintainers). 5941 -- GNU Make 3.55 release notes 5942% 5943Go out with girls Dutch treat -- pay for dinner, drinks, 5944and the movie, and the rest of the evening is on her. 5945% 5946Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. 5947 -- Mark Twain 5948% 5949God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends. 5950% 5951God is an atheist. 5952% 5953GOD is applied POWER 5954 which is applied GOVERNMENT 5955 which is applied POLITICS 5956 which is applied ADVERTISING 5957 which is applied SOCIOLOGY 5958 which is applied PSYCHOLOGY 5959 which is applied BIOLOGY 5960 which is applied CHEMISTRY 5961 which is applied PHYSICS 5962 which is applied MATH 5963 which is applied PHILOSOPHY 5964 which is applied BULLSHIT 5965% 5966"God is as real as I am," the old man said. My faith was restored, for 5967I knew that Santa would never lie. 5968% 5969God is big, so don't fuck with him. 5970% 5971God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent -- it says so right here 5972on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these 5973divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No 5974checks, please. Cash and in small bills. 5975 -- Lazarus Long 5976% 5977God isn't dead -- he's been busted. 5978% 5979God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft. 5980% 5981God must love assholes -- She made so many of them. 5982% 5983God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on 5984where to go. 5985 "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter. 5986 "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God. 5987 "Well, how about Mercury?" 5988 "No, it's too hot there." 5989 "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?" 5990 "No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was 5991there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're 5992still talking about it." 5993% 5994God wants us to know that if we see a bumper sticker saying "Honk if you love 5995Jesus" it is a bad idea to honk to express an opinion about Jesus because it 5996will annoy the turkey who put the bumper sticker on as well as everyone else 5997in the vicinity. However, it is just fine to honk to annoy the turkey simply 5998for being a turkey, for God told Man to be fruitful and multiply, and to rule 5999over the beasts of the field and the birds of the air, and that includes the 6000turkeys who buy such bumper stickers. Of course, God understands that innocent 6001bystanders will also be annoyed, but He has wisely created traffic cops to 6002impose some constraint on how much we may annoy the turkeys within city limits, 6003for God's wisdom comprehends full well that thou shalt not make an omelette 6004without breaking eggs. God only wishes they were turkey eggs, so such moral 6005dilemmas shall be fewer in number in the future, when the generations a-coming 6006(hallelujah) won't have so many turkeys to deal with. But God knows full well 6007that such things take time, and the turkeys are showing more resilience than 6008expected, and may be with us for a long time yet. 6009% 6010God's plan had a great beginning, 6011But man spoiled his chances by sinning 6012 We trust that the story 6013 Will end in God's glory 6014But at present the other side's winning. 6015% 6016Going into politics is as fatal to a gentleman as going into a bordello 6017is fatal to a virgin. 6018 -- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe" 6019% 6020Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields 6021Sold in a market down in New Orleans 6022Scarred old slaver knows he's doing alright 6023Hear him whip the women, just around midnight 6024 6025Ah, brown sugar how come you taste so good? 6026Ah, brown sugar just like a young girl should 6027 6028Drums beating cold English blood runs hot 6029Lady of the house wonderin' where it's gonna stop 6030House boy knows that he's doing alright 6031You should a heard him just around midnight. 6032... 6033I bet your mama was tent show queen 6034And all her girlfriends were sweet sixteen 6035I'm no school boy but I know what I like 6036You should have heard me just around midnight. 6037 -- Rolling Stones, "Brown Sugar" 6038% 6039Goldfish: Two naked people tied and put on a mattress together to make love 6040"fish fashion" (ie: no hands). Originally a nineteenth-century bordel joke. 6041It can be done (if you are the victims, try on your sides from behind). 6042Venerable party game, but don't play it with strangers, or leave players 6043unsupervised, even briefly. There was a nice spoof on this sex stunt in 6044the movie "Soldier Blue". A good many women can get an orgasm from this 6045simply by struggling, especially if you put them in front of a mirror. 6046Don't both tie yourselves, even if you can manage it -- you might not be 6047able to get loose. 6048 -- The Joy of Sex 6049% 6050Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend. 6051% 6052Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen! 6053Here's a little number I tossed up in the Caribbean recently... 6054 6055Isn't it awfully nice to have a Penis, 6056isn't it frightfully good to have a Dong. 6057 6058It's swell to have a Stiffy, 6059it's divine to have a Dick, 6060from the tinyest little Tadger, 6061to the world's greatest Prick. 6062 6063So, breeches for your Willy or John-Thomas, 6064Hooray! for your One Eyed Trouser's Snake. 6065 6066Your Piece of Pork, your Wife's best friend, 6067your Porky or your Cock, 6068you can wrap it up in ribbons, 6069you can stick it in your sock! 6070 6071But, don't take it out in public, 6072or they will stick you in the dock, 6073and you won't come back. 6074 -- Monty Python, "The Meaning of Life" 6075% 6076Good scout, n.: 6077 Someone who knows the lay of the land and will take you to her. 6078% 6079Goose pimples rose all over me, my hair stood on end, my eyes filled with 6080tears of love and gratitude for this greatest of all conquerors of human 6081misery and shame, and my breath came in little gasps. If I had not known 6082that the Leader would have scorned such adulation, I might have fallen to 6083my knees in unashamed worship, but instead I drew myself to attention, raised 6084my arm in the eternal salute of the ancient Roman Legions and repeated the 6085holy words, "Heil Hitler!" 6086 -- George Lincoln Rockwell 6087% 6088Gorbachev woke up early one morning, and felt great. He walked over to his 6089window, threw back the curtains, and saw the sun coming up. He felt *so* 6090good, he crowed, "Good Morning Sun!", and was startled when a great booming 6091voice came back to him, "Good morning Comrade! Good morning to you and 6092the great Soviet Socialist Republic!". Of course, this surprised him, but 6093great politician that he is, he considers the political ramifications. 6094Gorbachev then woke up Reza and his closest aides, brought them into his 6095bedroom, and shouted out "Good morning, Comrade Sun!". Again a booming reply, 6096"Good morning, Comrade. Good morning to you and the rest of the Party!" 6097Everyone was quite excited about this, and Gorbachev sat down to his 6098day's work with a feeling of being destiny's favorite child. 6099 Later, in the evening, he was preparing for the ballet. As he 6100dressed, he noticed that the sun was setting. Walking over to the window, 6101Gorbachev threw up the sash and again addressed the sun, "Good evening to 6102you, Comrade Sun!". Once more the great voice boomed out, "Fuck you, 6103asshole! I'm in the West now!" 6104% 6105Grain grows best in shit. 6106 -- Ursula K. LeGuin 6107% 6108Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker. 6109% 6110Great Lover, n.: 6111 A man who can breathe through his ears. 6112% 6113Gross, adj.: 6114 When your bloody mary still has the string in it. 6115% 6116Gross, adj.: 6117 When your grandmother kisses you goodnight and 6118 slips you some tongue. 6119% 6120Gynecologist, n.: 6121 Someone who spends their time spreading old wives' tails. 6122% 6123HACKER: 6124 A master byter. 6125% 6126Hackers do it bottom-up. 6127% 6128Hackers do it with all sorts of characters. 6129% 6130Hackers do it with bugs. 6131% 6132Hackers do it with fewer instructions. 6133% 6134Hackers have kernel knowledge. 6135% 6136Hackers know all the right MOVs. 6137% 6138Haggis, n.: 6139 Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and 6140considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human 6141consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or 6142other animal are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled in maw in the sheep's 6143intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a minute ... 6144% 6145Half the posts to this group are about masturbation and the other half 6146are about penis size. And what I want to know is, if all you're doing 6147is jerking off, why do you care how big it is? 6148 -- From alt.sex 6149% 6150Halt!! Who goes there, friend or enema? 6151% 6152Handsome woman. -- Lovely bust. 6153Fine young fellow. -- Stirred-up lust. -- 6154 Babies' diapers. -- 6155 Bottom wipers. -- 6156Years of struggle. -- Coffin. -- Dust. 6157% 6158Handy hint: 6159 A tea bag or two can be a dandy substitute 6160 when you're out of tampons. 6161% 6162Hang gliders come down very slowly. 6163% 6164Hangover, n.: 6165 The burden of proof. 6166% 6167HAPPINESS: 6168 Having your Herpes (Type II) test come back negative. 6169% 6170Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is 6171to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal 6172difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the 6173former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) 6174facts. The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the 6175historian uses his to enrich the past. Both are usually up to their 6176ankles in bullshit. 6177 -- Tom Robbins 6178% 6179Harold had never wanted a woman so much in his life, upon overhearing the 618022- year-old beauty remark that he was too old and out of shape for her. The 6181determined septuagenarian immediately embarked upon a rigorous self-improvement 6182program. He had his face lifted, bought a toupee, ran five miles every day, 6183lifted weights and adopted a strict vegetarian diet. Within months, the 6184rejuvenated man won the young woman's heart, and she agreed to marry him. 6185 On the way out of the chapel, however, Harold was fatally struck 6186by lightning. Furious, he confronted Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "How 6187could you do this to me after all the pain I went through?" 6188 "To be honest, Harold," Saint Peter sheepishly replied, "I didn't 6189recognize you." 6190% 6191Harry came into work on Monday feeling absolutely fine, and so was astonished 6192when his secretary urged him to lie down on the sofa; even more so when his 6193boss took one look at him and ordered him to take the day, if not the week, 6194off. Even his poker buddies wouldn't have anything to do with him, insisting 6195that he go straight to bed. Finally, tired of resisting everyone's advice, 6196he went to see his doctor, who took one look at him and rushed over with 6197a stretcher. 6198 "But doctor," he protested, "I feel fine." 6199Well, this was a puzzler, conceded the doctor, who proceeded to refer to the 6200enormous reference tomes behind his desk, muttering to himself. 6201 "Looks good, feels good... No, you look like hell. Looks good, 6202feels terrible... Nah, you feel fine, right?" 6203Thumbing furiously through another volume, he said, 6204 "Looks terrible, feels terrible... Nope, that won't do it either." 6205Finally, "Looks terrible, feels terrific... Aha!! You're a vagina!" 6206% 6207Have you ever really thought about there being a simple solution to 6208America's problems? Why, we could solve all of our raw materials 6209difficulties, foreign complications etc. over a long weekend. If we 6210got up early, early mind you, on Saturday, we could take over Mexico 6211by 10:00. Panama and most of South America would be a bit more difficult, 6212but I believe we could do it by 6 or 7 that evening. Turning our 6213attention northward, Canada would require most of Sunday morning. 6214General mopping up and execution of the civilian populations would take 6215up Sunday afternoon. I just don't understand why Washington hasn't 6216thought of this... 6217% 6218Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman 6219President? "I can't deal with the Russians today. Not now. I've got 6220my period." 6221 -- Steven Moore 6222% 6223Have you ever tried to tickle yourself? Everybody has some wacko aunt or 6224uncle that can just point at you and have you rolling with laughter. But 6225if you shove your fist in your underarm for a week and a half you won't 6226laugh. Somehow your underarm just knows that it's *your* fist. Thank God 6227other parts of our bodies are dumber. 6228% 6229Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs, I 6230mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container filled with 6231water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite sex, none of whom 6232is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in their hot tubs, Californians 6233don't give a damn about earthquakes or mass murderers. They don't give a 6234damn about anything, which is why they are able to produce "Laverne and 6235Shirley" week after week. 6236 -- Dave Barry 6237% 6238Have you heard about Magda Lupescu, 6239Who came to Rumania's rescue? 6240 It's a wonderful thing 6241 To be under a king-- 6242Is democracy better, I esk you? 6243% 6244Have you heard of knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzum 6245Who married Samantha, his bow-legged cousin? 6246 Some people say, 6247 Love finds a way, 6248But for Sam and Samantha it doesn'. 6249% 6250Have you heard of the lady named Cox 6251Who had a capacious old box? 6252 When her lover was in place 6253 She said, "Please turn your face. 6254I look like a gal, but I screw like a fox." 6255% 6256Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham 6257And the scandal that's currently concerning'em? 6258 How they lift the frock 6259 And tickle the cock 6260Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em? 6261% 6262Have you seen how Sonny's burning, 6263Like some bright erotic star, 6264He lights up the proceedings, 6265And raises the temperature. 6266 -- The Birthday Party, "Sonny's Burning" 6267% 6268Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used 6269for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such 6270attempts ... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous 6271as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the 6272Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God 6273finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve. 6274 -- R. E. Masters 6275% 6276Having lost his potency years before, the octogenarian was desperate to 6277satisfy his new 18-year-old wife. He visited a gypsy woman with magical 6278powers. 6279 After the man downed a foul-tasting potion, the gypsy said, "There. 6280Now the words beep-beep will give you an enormous erection. Repeating 6281the phrase will make it disappear. But remember," she cautioned, "it will 6282work only three times. Make use of them wisely." 6283 As the old man left, he decided to test her prediction. "Beep-beep," 6284he said, and sure enough, he got the biggest erection of his life. 6285"Beep-beep", he repeated. It went away. 6286 He sped through traffic on his way home. "Beep-beep," honked a taxi. 6287The old man gasped as he instantly got hard. 6288 "Beep-beep," honked a truck. His erection wilted. 6289 Pulling into his driveway at last, the frantic man rushed inside 6290and found his nubile wife lying on the bed reading a novel. 6291 "Have I got a surprise for you," he said, tearing off his clothes. 6292"Beep-beep!" 6293 "Hold on a second," his wife said, eyeing his magnificent erection. 6294"What's all this beep-beep shit?" 6295% 6296Having made a remark rather coarse, 6297A young lady was seized with remorse; 6298 She fled from the room, 6299 And later, a groom 6300Saw her rolling about in the gorse. 6301 -- Edward Gorey 6302% 6303He: Am I... am I your first? 6304She: Well, honey, I could have sworn your face looked familiar... 6305% 6306He: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!" 6307She: "No, thanks, I've already got one asshole in there now." 6308% 6309He: So, what do you say to little fuck? 6310She: I say, "get lost, little fuck." 6311% 6312He boil my first cabbage, make it awfully hot, 6313But when he put in the bacon, oooh, you know it overflow the pot. 6314 -- Bessie Smith, "Empty Bed Blues" 6315% 6316He carried me over the stream, striding through the current, his strong, 6317muscular, thighs scarcely hesitating as he sure-footedly forded the water. 6318But what was that bulge, small, oblong, solid, that might have been, say, 6319a pocket camera? 6320 -- An Exciting Journey 6321% 6322He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control. 6323% 6324He dove down overweighted with lead. 6325Passed one hundred and flat lost his head. 6326 He flapped and he flailed, 6327 Spit his hose and he wailed, 6328Swallowed water and found himself dead. 6329% 6330He drank with curvy Mable, 6331The pace was fast and furious, 6332He slid beneath the table, 6333Not drunk but merely curious. 6334% 6335He grabbed me by my slender neck, 6336I could not call or scream. 6337He dragged me to his tiny room, 6338Where we could not be seen. 6339He tore away my filmy wrap, 6340And gazed upon my form. 6341I so cold and frightened, 6342While he so strong and warm. 6343He pressed me to his thirsty lips, 6344I gave him every drop. 6345He drained me of my very self, 6346I could not make him stop! 6347And that is why you see me here, 6348An empty, broken bottle of beer... 6349% 6350He had heard that a certain whorehouse had a reputation for the bizarre. 6351So he drove to the place and, once inside, asked the Madam if she had anything 6352unusual for him to try. "Things are pretty slow today," she said, "but I 6353do have one number you might enjoy." She went on to describe a New Jersey 6354hen that had been trained to do blow jobs. 6355 "We've got her here, but only for the day." 6356 The visitor could hardly believe it, but he paid the fee and went 6357into a room with a hen. After a frustrating hour of trying to force his 6358cock into the hen's mouth, he figured out that he was dealing with nothing 6359but a plain old chicken. He left. Thinking about it later, he decided 6360that he had had so much fun trying that he returned the few days later and 6361asked the Madam, "Do you have anything new today?" 6362 "Come this way," she said, and led him to a dark room where a group 6363of men were looking through a one-way mirror. He saw that they were watching 6364a girl making it with a large doberman pinscher. 6365 "Wow!" he said to the man standing next to him. "This is really 6366great!" 6367 The man replied, "Man, it ain't nothin'! You shoulda been here 6368a week ago and seen the guy with the chicken!" 6369% 6370He hated to mend, so young Ned 6371Called in a cute neighbor instead. 6372 Her husband said, "Vi, 6373 When you stitched up his torn fly, 6374Did you have to bite off the thread?" 6375% 6376He played smooch and stinkfinger with Daisy 6377Till this virgin was gotch-eyed and hazy. 6378 Then his gargantuan pole in 6379 Her pink, tight, and swollen 6380Young cunt just about drove her crazy. 6381% 6382He used to kiss her on her lips, but it's all over now. 6383% 6384He was not only a great swordsman, but also a cunning linguist. 6385% 6386He was so gay he'd never lean his ass on a baseball bat -- 6387scared it'd get serious. 6388% 6389He was so ugly hookers used to tell him, "Not on the first date." 6390% 6391He was the world's only armless sculptor. He put the chisel in his mouth 6392and his wife hit him on the back of the head with a mallet. 6393 -- Fred Allen 6394% 6395He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they 6396HAD to make him President of the United States. It's the only job he's 6397qualified for! 6398 -- Michael Cain 6399% 6400He who farts in church must sit in his own pew. 6401% 6402He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, pink 6403damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun. 6404% 6405He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own 6406hands. 6407% 6408He who trains his tongue to quote the learned 6409sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass. 6410 -- Howard Kandel 6411% 6412Hear about... 6413 one penile desensitizer that's so effective that you 6414 have to stroke the tube for five minutes to get the cap off? 6415% 6416Hear about... 6417 the 97-year-old prostitute who got herself listed in the Yellow 6418 Pages and now claims to be the oldest trick in the book? 6419% 6420Hear about... 6421 the absent minded nurse who made the patient without disturbing 6422 the bed? 6423% 6424Hear about... 6425 the absent-minded exhibitionist who was arrested for exposing 6426 his whatchamacalit? 6427% 6428Hear about... 6429 the ambitious secretary who walked into her boss's office and 6430 demanded a salary on next week's advance? 6431% 6432Hear about... 6433 the Ayatollah Khomeini Doll? 6434 Wind it up and it takes Ken and Barbie hostage. 6435% 6436Hear about... 6437 the basketball player who was so tall that his girlfriend had to 6438 go up on him? 6439% 6440Hear about... 6441 the careless canary that did it for a lark? 6442% 6443Hear about... 6444 the careless contortionist who accidentally swallowed his pride? 6445% 6446Hear about... 6447 the cinema buff that's very excited by current trends in films? 6448 The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure 6449 which end it will be. 6450% 6451Hear about... 6452 the compulsive gambler who drove to Las Vegas, pulled up to 6453 a parking meter, put a dime in -- and lost his car? 6454% 6455Hear about... 6456 the couple on the stalled elevator who got off between floors? 6457% 6458Hear about... 6459 the cross-eyed shoe fetishist who was always getting off on the 6460 wrong foot? 6461% 6462Hear about... 6463 the doctor that prescribed sex for insomnia? His patients didn't 6464 get any more sleep, but they had more fun staying awake. 6465% 6466Hear about... 6467 the drunken midget who walked into a home for girls and kissed 6468 everybody in the joint? 6469% 6470Hear about... 6471 the elderly gentleman who was stung on the privates by a bee and 6472 asked the doctor to relieve the pain but leave the swelling? 6473% 6474Hear about... 6475 the Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and 6476 next morning found she was six months pregnant? 6477% 6478Hear about... 6479 the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his wife, so he 6480 fired them? 6481% 6482Hear about... 6483 the fellow who chased his girlfriend up a tree and kissed 6484 her between the limbs? 6485% 6486Hear about... 6487 the fellow who got ten years for pumping Ethyl behind the station? 6488% 6489Hear about... 6490 the fellow who maintains a special register of particularly 6491 accommodating girls? He refers to it as his little blew book. 6492% 6493Hear about... 6494 the fellow who was descended from a long line his mother heard? 6495% 6496Hear about... 6497 the fine, upstanding young woman who's wonderful laying down? 6498% 6499Hear about... 6500 the freaky WAC who was court-martialed for contributing to the 6501 delinquency of a major? 6502% 6503Hear about... 6504 the French soldier who kissed his wife's cheeks before he went 6505 to the front? 6506% 6507Hear about... 6508 the freshman coed who decided not to sign up for a course in sex 6509 education when she heard the final exam would be oral? 6510% 6511Hear about... 6512 the frustrated musician who worked all week on an arrangement and 6513 then his wife didn't leave town? 6514% 6515Hear about... 6516 the fun-loving young lady who insists she won't even consider 6517 marriage until she's gotten some experience under her belt? 6518% 6519Hear about... 6520 the gay tattoo artist who had designs on several of the local 6521 sailors? 6522% 6523Hear about... 6524 the girl that wanted to impress her new boyfriend, 6525 so she put on her low-cut dress to show him a thing or two? 6526% 6527Hear about... 6528 the girl who called her boyfriend Amaretto, 'cause he was 6529 such a sweet liquor? 6530% 6531Hear about... 6532 the girl who was so undesirable that she even turned her vibrator 6533 off? 6534% 6535Hear about... 6536 the girl with the big wardrobe who started with just a little slip? 6537% 6538Hear about... 6539 the guy who couldn't find his way to the orgy? Just kind of lost 6540 his ball bearings. 6541% 6542Hear about... 6543 the guy who had his vasectomy done by Sears? 6544 Every time he gets a hard-on, the garage door goes up. 6545% 6546Hear about... 6547 the guy who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that 6548 he'd never be able to face his girl again? 6549% 6550Hear about... 6551 the guy who was an incurable romantic until penicillin came along? 6552% 6553Hear about... 6554 the guy who was so well endowed that he had a fiveskin? 6555% 6556Hear about... 6557 the handsome bachelor Senator who hired a ravishing blonde as his 6558 assistant and then made her the object of a long Congressional probe? 6559% 6560Hear about... 6561 the high school drum major who dated two of the majorettes and 6562 so enjoyed the breasts of both whirlers? 6563% 6564Hear about... 6565 the hurricane that recently struck Fire Island -- Hurricane Bruce? 6566% 6567Hear about... 6568 the inexperienced stenographer who discovered that she could lose 6569 a lot more than letters behind the files? 6570% 6571Hear about... 6572 the insurance salesman who says his greatest successes are 6573 with young housewives who aren't adequately covered? 6574% 6575Hear about... 6576 the little boy that found a fifty cent piece, so he went home 6577 for some money? 6578% 6579Hear about... 6580 the loner who gave up his solitary vice for Lent? Except on 6581 Palm Sunday, of course. 6582% 6583Hear about... 6584 the man who never worried about his marriage until he moved from New 6585 York to California and discovered that he still had the same milkman? 6586% 6587Hear about... 6588 the man who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that 6589 he'd never be able to face his girl again? 6590% 6591Hear about... 6592 the mother of 12 who was called upon to use her diaphragm so often 6593 that she kept it tacked to the headboard of her bed? 6594% 6595Hear about... 6596 the new breakfast cereal called Queerios? You simply add milk 6597 and they eat each other. 6598% 6599Hear about... 6600 the new breakfast cereal called "Swingers". They don't go snap, 6601 crackle, or pop; they just lie there and go bang, bang, bang? 6602% 6603Hear about... 6604 the new instrument of credit especially designed for use in 6605 Los Angeles single bars? It's called Bang Americard. 6606% 6607Hear about... 6608 the new rule at the girls' school? 6609 Lights out by ten, candles by eleven. 6610% 6611Hear about... 6612 the new vitamin made from chicken blood, 6613 it makes men cocky and women lay better? 6614% 6615Hear about... 6616 the nurse they thought had drowned 6617 until they found her under the doc? 6618% 6619Hear about... 6620 the nymphomaniac teenager popularly known as Little Often Annie? 6621% 6622Hear about... 6623 the over-eager bride who came, walking down the aisle? 6624% 6625Hear about... 6626 the perverted Australian who left his wife and returned to Sydney? 6627% 6628Hear about... 6629 the poor Greek fisherman who got his upper torso wedged into 6630 a porthole and couldn't get out to save his ass? 6631% 6632Hear about... 6633 the real smart girl who could play post-office all night 6634 without getting any mail in her box? 6635% 6636Hear about... 6637 the recent cigarette survey that disclosed that 99% of the 6638 men who have tried Camels have gone back to women? 6639% 6640Hear about... 6641 the San Franciscan who backed off the bus because he thought 6642 someone would grab his seat? 6643% 6644Hear about... 6645 the secretary that got fired because she had one too mini? 6646% 6647Hear about... 6648 the sultan who had ten wives, nine of them had it soft. 6649% 6650Hear about... 6651 the swinger who labeled his little black book "Future Shack"? 6652% 6653Hear about... 6654 the tight end who got two years for possession and came out a 6655 wide receiver? 6656% 6657Hear about... 6658 the truck driver who pulled out to avoid a child and fell 6659 off the sofa? 6660% 6661Hear about... 6662 the ultimate in singles bars. It's a place where girls have 6663 to show their I.U.D.'s to be admitted? 6664% 6665Hear about... 6666 the woman who claimed that two martinis usually made her 6667 feel like a new man? 6668% 6669Hear about... 6670 the young lady attacked in San Francisco? 6671 By two men, one held her down while the other one did her hair. 6672% 6673Hear about... 6674 the young thing who is fondly known to the men in the office as 6675 Secretariat -- not just because she's a good secretary but because 6676 she's a wonderful mount? 6677% 6678Hear about the... 6679 guy who wore a tux to his vasectomy, because he figured that 6680 if he was going to be impotent he might as well look impotent. 6681% 6682Hear that... 6683 bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous 6684 Census Taker". It's about a guy who comes once every ten years? 6685% 6686Hear that... 6687 the Masters and Johnson clinic may well be the only organization 6688 in the world from which a man resigns when he becomes a member 6689 in good standing? 6690% 6691Hear that... 6692 the only thing worse than coming home with lipstick on your 6693 collar is being caught with leg make-up on your ears? 6694% 6695Hear that... 6696 the Pope's next pronouncement on birth control is to be titled 6697 "Paul's Epistle to the Fallopians"? 6698% 6699Hear that... 6700 there's an establishment near the White House that caters to kinky 6701 tastes? There's a House whip in attendance, of course? 6702% 6703Hear that... 6704 those new edible candy pants are about to be distributed in a male 6705 version -- with nuts of course? 6706% 6707Heard tell that the Iron Magnolia wanted to divorce ol' Jimmy. 6708Seems he's screwing everyone but her. 6709% 6710He'd kiss and the girls called him Georgie 6711They'd cry and the girls called him Porgie. 6712 So he put Spanish fly 6713 In their pudding and pie 6714And had the first tiny-tot orgy. 6715% 6716Heisenberg may have done it. 6717% 6718"Hell, no," said the Duchess of Quick, 6719"I won't suck his filthy old prick! 6720 It's not that I funk 6721 At a mouthful of spunk, 6722But the smell of his ass makes me sick!" 6723% 6724Hello, children!! 6725 This is Uncle Dennis welcoming you to your very own fortune. 6726 Today we are going to hear a story, so sit right here on my lap 6727 and we can all start. Comfortable? Ah, yes, ah... Ah? Ah!! 6728 6729 One day, Rikki, the magic Pixie, went to visit Daisy Bumble in her 6730 tumbledown cottage. He found her in the bedroom. Roughly he 6731 grabbed her heaving ******* pulling her down on the bed and 6732 hurriedly ripping off her thin *******. 6733 6734 Old Nick, the Sea Captain was a rough tough jolly sort of fellow. 6735 He loved the life of the sea and he loved to hang out down by the 6736 pier where the men dressed as ladies ****** **** ******* ******* 6737 of ***** ****** **** the ****** with a melon. 6738 6739 Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky shop in the foot of the Magic 6740 oak tree by the wobbly dum-dum tree in the shade of the enchanted 6741 glen down in Dingly Dell. Here he sold contraceptives, ******** 6742 and various appliances *** ******** *** ***** naked fun and ***** 6743 the ******** ******* *** into six or seven pairs. 6744% 6745Help! I'm a lesbian trapped in a gay man's body! 6746 -- Bisexuality, 101 6747% 6748Help Stamp Out Rape! (Say Yes.) 6749% 6750HENPECKED HUSBAND: 6751 One who's afraid to tell his pregnant wife that he's sterile. 6752% 6753Her brother, a bastard named Ben, 6754Could rotate his pecker, and then 6755 He would shoot through his rear 6756 Which made him dear 6757Of the girls, and the envy of men. 6758% 6759Her daughter, thought worried Ms. Coffin, 6760Had morals the city might soften. 6761 So she phoned and asked, "Lynn, 6762 Are you living in sin?" 6763Lynn said, "No -- but I visit there often." 6764% 6765Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest 6766in a yak. 6767 -- Woody Allen 6768% 6769Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her. 6770% 6771Here I sit, my cheeks a flexin', 6772Just gave birth to another Texan. 6773% 6774Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with 6775the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul 6776Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't define 6777pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the 6778court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to 6779Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't 6780it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when 6781his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an 6782enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a 6783ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except 6784that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about 6785it because the court was going to take a nap. 6786 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 6787% 6788Here's a toast to Screwy Dick, 6789The man who was born with a corkscrew prick. 6790He spent his life in a futile hunt, 6791To find a woman with a spiral cunt. 6792And when he did, he dropped stone dead, 6793'Cause the blasted thing had a left-hand thread! 6794% 6795Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther 6796King, Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed: 6797 6798 * Governmental offices 6799 * Post offices 6800 * Libraries 6801 * Schools 6802 * Banks 6803 * Parts of Palm Beach 6804 6805and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina. 6806 -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live" 6807% 6808Here's to the girl in little red shoes, 6809She drinks my liquor, she drinks my booze, 6810She has no cherry, but that's no sin, 6811She has the box the cherry came in. 6812% 6813Here's to the girl that's dressed in black, 6814She's dressed so neat there's nothing to lack 6815She feels so fine and kisses so sweet 6816She makes things stand that have no feet. 6817% 6818Here's to the girl that's sweet, 6819Here's to the girl that's true, 6820Here's to the girl in all our hearts... 6821 6822In other words, guys, what do you say we all go downtown for 6823the rest of the night? 6824% 6825Here's to the woman beautiful and divine 6826she flowers every month bears fruit every nine 6827she's the only creature 'tween heaven and hell 6828can get the juice from a nut without cracking the shell. 6829% 6830Here's to women. Would that we could fall into her arms without falling 6831into her hands. 6832 -- Ambrose Bierce 6833% 6834HERMIT: 6835 A man who'd rather get off by himself. 6836% 6837HERPES: 6838 The final proof that 'tis better to give than to receive. 6839 Much better. 6840% 6841He's a son-of-a-bitch, but he's our son-of-a-bitch. 6842 -- FDR on Nicaraguan dictator Anastasio Somoza 6843% 6844He's gallantry personified, in fact, his brochures ought to 6845read satisfaction guaranteed, or your virginity returned intact. 6846% 6847He's learned about 50% of the rules of sex and conversation; 6848he knows how to stick it in, but not how to stick it out. 6849% 6850He's not pining, he's passed on! This parrot won't squawk! He's 6851ceased to be! He's expired, and gone to meet his maker! It's a 6852stiff! No breath of life, he may rest in peace! If you hadn't nailed 6853him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's off the twig! 6854He's kicked the bucket! He's curled up his tooties! He's shuffled off 6855this mortal world! He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n 6856Choir Invincible! HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT! Vis-a-vi his metabolic 6857processes is head is lost. All statements concerning this parrot is no 6858longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative... 6859 6860 THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!! 6861 -- Monty Python 6862% 6863Hey baby! 6864 How 'bout a brutal face fuck? 6865% 6866HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS: 6867 A great way to prevent the tragedy of unwanted pregnancy is to 6868become a homosexual. Every year, millions of young men and women, just 6869like you, are making the clean change to worry-free homosexuality. 6870They're having more sex than ever, and more fun than ever. Send 50 cents 6871today for my leaflet "Gay sexual techniques". Be sure to specify the 6872male or female edition. 6873% 6874HEY, KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS: 6875 Masturbation isn't as simple as it looks. Do it right! 6876Send 50 cents for my illustrated booklet "Masturbation techniques 6877for the teenager". Be sure to specify the male or female edition. 6878% 6879HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS: 6880 Remember, oral sex CAN cause pregnancy, unless you use an 6881oral contraceptive. See your family planning clinic today! 6882% 6883Hickory Dickory Dock, 6884Three mice ran up a clock! 6885The clock struck one, 6886Right in the balls! 6887 6888There was an old woman, 6889Who lived in a shoe, 6890Who had so many children, 6891Her uterus fell right out. 6892% 6893Higgledy Piggledy Coeducational 6894Yale University Extracurricular 6895Gave up misogyny Heterosexual 6896Opened its door. Fun is in store. 6897% 6898Hire the handicapped -- they're fun to watch! 6899% 6900His shy bride admitted to Crandall 6901That for years she'd worked off with a candle, 6902 But a cock like his dick 6903 Gave her ten times the kick, 6904Though it strained her wee peehole to handle! 6905% 6906Hitler used methods against white men in Europe, which by tacit 6907agreement between the cultural European nations were only to be 6908used against the coloured. 6909 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 6910% 6911Home is where the hurt is. 6912 -- Strange de Jim 6913% 6914Honest, officer, had I known my health was 6915in jeopardy, why, I'd never have lit one! 6916% 6917HONOR: 6918 Almost as good as in 'er. 6919% 6920Horny, adj.: 6921 When your cock gets hard if the wind blows. 6922% 6923Horsecrap, little brother. There's always something more to be done. 6924Another palm to be greased. Another back to be scratched. Another 6925weak sister to be shored up. 6926 -- J.R. Ewing 6927% 6928HOT TUB TIPS FOR WOMEN 6929 Vol. I -- Etiquette 6930 69311. It's not lady-like to straddle a water jet, moan in ecstasy, and then 6932 scream at the top of your lungs, "Oh, yes, YES, BABY!" 69332. Washing your partner's back is sexy. Washing your panty hose is not. 69343. Nude bathing with strangers can be a pleasant experience; don't spoil 6935 it for everyone with a thoughtless remark, such as "My God, I've 6936 seen bigger wangs on hamsters!" 69374. It's O.K. to pass a joint while tubbing. Don't pass anything else. 69385. Don't think you're fooling anybody by passing off your vibrator as a 6939 toy submarine. 6940% 6941How can you say that the world isn't 6942Jewish, when the sun's real name is Sol? 6943% 6944How come if you're horny it's lust, but if she's horny it's affection? 6945% 6946How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the 6947government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was 6948gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle. We'll be 6949lucky to escape with our skins! 6950% 6951How should they answer? 6952 -- Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) in reply to the question 6953 "Why do Jews always answer a question with a question?" 6954% 6955How soon can you have sexual relations after your wife delivers? 6956Well, depends on if she's in a ward or a private room. 6957% 6958HOW TO REMOVE STAINS -- #28 6959 Semen stains can be removed from computer terminals with 6960 Fantastik or the like. Use Windex on the glass however, and 6961 be sure to turn the power off if you have to clean between 6962 the keys. 6963% 6964Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole. 6965 -- John Valby 6966% 6967Hugh Hefner is a virgin. 6968% 6969Hunters make the best lovers; they go deeper into the 6970bush, shoot more often and *always* eat what they shoot. 6971% 6972Hypocrisy is the Vaseline of social intercourse. 6973% 6974Hypocrite, n.: 6975 A man who says he likes cats, but won't eat pussy. 6976% 6977I am an atheist, thank God! 6978% 6979I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it 6980once was ... an arctic wilderness. 6981 -- Steve Martin 6982% 6983I bet you think you're pretty cool driving around without auto insurance. 6984You're probably saying to yourself, "I'm beating the system." But what's 6985going to happen when you get pulled over and lose your license because 6986you're not insured. What girl's going to ride shotgun on a ten-speed on 6987a Saturday Night? Yeah, you're going to be beating more than the system... 6988 -- auto insurance ad, heard on KNAC, Long Beach 6989% 6990I call Christianity the one great curse, the one enormous and innermost 6991perversion, the one great instinct of revenge, for which no means are 6992too venomous, too underhand, too underground and too petty -- I call it 6993the one immortal blemish of mankind. 6994 -- Fredrich Nietzsche 6995% 6996I call it the "Madman Theory". I want the North Vietnamese to believe that 6997I've reached the point where I might do *anything* to stop the war. We'll 6998just slip the word to them that "For God's sake, you know, Nixon is obsessed 6999about Communism. We can't restrain him when he's angry -- and he has his 7000hand on the nuclear button." 7001 -- Richard M. Nixon 7002% 7003I came; I saw; I fucked up. 7004% 7005I can understand companionship. I can understand bought sex in the 7006afternoon. I cannot understand the love affair. 7007 -- Gore Vidal 7008% 7009I can't quite put my finger on it, but something about you pisses me off. 7010 -- Peter Knight 7011% 7012I choked Linda Lovelace. 7013% 7014I continued wetting my bed for a long time, not just out of contrariness, 7015but to have the pleasure of feeling my warm urine running down my legs 7016and wallowing in its odor. 7017 -- Salvador Dali 7018% 7019I did not look behind me, 'till I got to St. Omer's & thence fled to America; 7020here I offer'd to become a Spy for the English Government which was scornfully 7021rejected; I then turned to Plunder & Libel the Yankees, for which I was fined 70225000 Dollars & kicked out of the Country! I came back to England (after 7023absconding for Seven years) & set up the Crown & Mitre to establish my Loyalty! 7024-- accepted from the Doctor L400 to print & disperse a pamphlet against "the 7025Hellfire of Reform" ... but applied the Money to purchase an estate at Botley, 7026& left ye Doctor to pay the Paper & Printing! Being now Lord of the Manor, I 7027began by sowing the seeds of discontent through Hampshire; I oppressed the 7028Poor, sent the Aged to Hell, & damned the eyes of my Parish Apprentices before 7029they were open'd in the morning! ... and being now supported by a Band of 7030Reformers, I renewed my old favorite Toast of Damnation to the House of 7031Brunswick! & being exalted by the sale of 10,000 Political Registers every 7032week, I find myself the greatest Man in the World! except that Idol of all my 7033Adorations, his Royal and Imperial Majesty, NAPOLEONE! 7034 -- William Cobbett, British journalist 7035% 7036I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing 7037Who said, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?" 7038 I replied, "Simple shagging 7039 Without any wagging 7040Is only for screwing canoeing." 7041% 7042"I do love a lay every day, 7043So whenever you're coming this way 7044 Just phone in advance 7045 And I'll jerk off my pants, 7046And we're set for a sexy soiree!" 7047% 7048I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get those reindeer off my roof. 7049% 7050I don't discriminate on the basis of sex. 7051 -- Bisexuality, 101 7052 [An equal opportunity lover? Ed.] 7053% 7054I don't give a shit what happens. I want you all to stonewall it. Let 7055them plead the Fifth Amendment, cover up, or anything else if it'll save 7056the plan. 7057 -- Richard M. Nixon 7058% 7059I don't know why women get so upset, they have half the 7060money and all the pussy. 7061 -- Gary Bussy, "DC Cab" 7062% 7063I don't love you, asshole, I love your daughter. 7064 -- The Undergraduate 7065% 7066I Don't Mind If You Lie to Me, As Long As I Ain't Lyin' Alone 7067I Wouldn't Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win 7068If You Leave Me, Walk Out Backwards So I'll Think You're Comin' In 7069Since You Learned to Lip-Sync, I'm At Your Disposal 7070My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was 7071 Breaking My Heart 7072Don't Cry, Little Darlin', You're Waterin' My Beer 7073Tennis Must Be Your Racket, 'Cause Love Means Nothin' to You 7074When You Say You Love Me, You're Full of Prunes, 'Cause Living 7075 With You Is the Pits 7076I Wanted Your Hand in Marriage but All I Got Was the Finger 7077 -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay" 7078% 7079"I don't really mind her being unfaithful," sighed the man to his 7080marriage counselor, "but I just can't sleep three in a bed." 7081% 7082I don't remember ever having had the itch, and yet scratching is 7083one of nature's sweet pleasures, and so handy. 7084% 7085I don't understand what all the fuss was about in Los Angeles. 7086It's not like we looted Brooks Brothers when Oliver North got off. 7087 -- P.J. O'Rourke 7088% 7089I don't want to say that she had big tits, but one day I asked her 7090 just how big they was, and she said, "7 and 7/8". 7091I said, "7 and 7/8?! What did you measure 'em with?" 7092And she replied, "A Stetson." 7093% 7094"I finally found out what my ranch foreman husband really meant," 7095sobbed the recent bride, "when he told me he'd love me 'til the 7096cows came home." 7097% 7098I go the way that Providence dictates. 7099 -- Adolf Hitler 7100% 7101I grew up in an Italian family, you know, the strange thing about 7102Italians -- they're so Jewish. 7103 -- Kay Ballard 7104% 7105I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... 7106boy, were they mad! 7107 -- Steven Wright 7108% 7109I had a virgin once. I had to go to Florida for her. She was twelve 7110years old, blind in one eye, and carried a stuffed alligator labeled 7111"Made in Taiwan". 7112 -- The Stunt Man 7113% 7114I have a funny daddy 7115Who goes in and out with me 7116And everything that baby does 7117Daddy's sure to see, 7118And everything that baby says, 7119My daddy's sure to tell. 7120You must have read my daddy's verse. 7121I hope he fries in Hell. 7122 -- Ogden Nash 7123% 7124"I have credit with this madam who runs a string of super callgirls," 7125the executive reminisced at his club bar, "but when I got the bill for 7126the great head session one of them pleasured me with, I must say that 7127it was enough to make a blown man cry." 7128% 7129I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable. 7130 -- Will Rogers 7131% 7132I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon. Come, let us 7133take our fill of love until the morning. 7134 -- Proverbs 7:17-18 7135% 7136I heard there was a lot of sex on television these days, 7137but when I tried it I kept falling off. 7138% 7139I knew Leo G. Carrol 7140Was over a barrel 7141When Tarantula took to the hills. ["Lick it!"] 7142And I really got hot 7143When I saw Jeanette Scott 7144Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills. 7145 7146Science fiction, double feature 7147Doctor X will build a creature. 7148See androids fighting Brad and Janet 7149Anne Francis stars in Forbidden Planet 7150Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh 7151At the late night, double feature, picture show. 7152 -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show 7153% 7154I know a Polack his name is Cliff, 7155Hey-la-de-la-de-la. 7156He sticks it in the freezer to get it stiff, 7157Hey-la-de-la-de-lo. 7158 7159I know a girl, her name is Serafina, 7160Hey-la-de-la-de-la. 7161She'll get down on all fours for a bowl of Purina, 7162Hey-la-de-la-de-lo. 7163 7164I know a girl, her name is Cuffy, 7165Hey-la-de-la-de-la. 7166She douches with Tide and makes her pubes fluffy, 7167Hey la-de-la-de-lo. 7168 -- Doctor Dirty 7169% 7170I know of a fortunate Hindu 7171Who is sought in the towns that he's been to 7172 By the ladies he knows, 7173 Who are thrilled to the toes 7174By the tricks that he makes his foreskin do. 7175% 7176I know what you're up to, you white-feathered fiend! 7177Go release your bowels on some lesser personage! 7178 -- W. C. Fields, upon seeing a bird overhead 7179% 7180I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire -- God wouldn't trust 7181an Englishman in the dark. 7182 -- Duncan Spaeth 7183% 7184I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me. 7185% 7186I married an Italian girl; the way you marry an Italian girl in my family 7187is to bring a New Yorker home first. 7188% 7189I may not be able to walk, but I drive from a sitting position. 7190% 7191I met a young man in Chungking 7192Who had a very long thing -- 7193 But you'll guess my surprise 7194 When I found that its size 7195Just measured a third-finger ring! 7196% 7197I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come 7198into my neighborhood after dark. 7199 -- Dick Gregory 7200% 7201I never did give anybody hell. I just told the truth and they thought 7202it was hell. 7203 -- Harry S. Truman 7204% 7205I never had Miss Defauw, 7206But it wouldn't have been quite so raw 7207 If she'd only said "No" 7208 When I wanted her so; 7209But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!" 7210% 7211I never met a woman I couldn't drink pretty. 7212% 7213I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket. 7214 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 7215% 7216I've got Hubert's pecker in my pocket. 7217 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 7218% 7219I once had the wife of a Dean 7220Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'. 7221 She remarked with some gaiety, 7222 "Not bad for the laiety, 7223Though the Bishop once managed thirteen." 7224% 7225I once met a lassie named Ruth 7226In a long distance telephone booth. 7227 Now I know the perfection 7228 Of an ideal connection 7229Even if somewhat uncouth. 7230% 7231I once was annoyed by a queer 7232Who made his intentions quite clear. 7233 Said I, "I'm no prude, 7234 So don't think me rude, 7235But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed." 7236% 7237I only date queers. 7238 -- Bisexuality, 101 7239 [I'm not queer, but my boyfriend is! Ed.] 7240% 7241I own my own body, but I share. 7242% 7243I played over the music of that scoundrel Brahms. What a giftless 7244bastard! It annoys me that this self-inflated mediocrity is hailed 7245as a genius. Why, in comparison with him, Riff is a genius. 7246 -- Tchaikovsky, October 9, 1886, diary entry 7247% 7248I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as 7249Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet 7250trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to 7251go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports 7252that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it. 7253 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" 7254% 7255I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of 7256oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate 7257commerce. 7258 -- J. Edgar Hoover 7259% 7260I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether 7261it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked afterwards whether 7262he told the truth or not. When starting and waging war it is not right 7263that matters, but victory. 7264 -- Adolf Hitler 7265% 7266I shot a query into the net. 7267I haven't got an answer yet, A posted message called me rotten 7268But seven people gave me hell For ignoring mail I'd never gotten; 7269And said I ought to learn to spell; An angry message asked me, Please 7270 Don't send such drivel overseas; 7271A lawyer sent me private mail 7272And swore he'd slap my ass in jail -- One netter thought it was a hoax: 7273I'd mentioned Un*x in my gem "Hereafter, post to net dot jokes!"; 7274And failed to add the T and M; Another called my grammar vile 7275 And criticized my writing style. 7276Each day I scan each Subject line 7277In hopes the topic will be mine; 7278I shot a query into the net. 7279I haven't got an answer yet... 7280 -- Ed Nather 7281% 7282I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around 7283with his secretary. If it's somebody else's secretary, fine. 7284 -- Barry Goldwater 7285% 7286I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass. 7287 -- Barry Goldwater 7288% 7289I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else 7290that has ever happened, and vice versa. 7291 -- Frank Zappa 7292% 7293I think the Mormon prophet 7294Was a very funny man. 7295I wonder how his wives enjoyed 7296His Prophet Sharing Plan. 7297% 7298I thought Jackie O. was something you did in the bathroom. 7299 -- Strange de Jim 7300% 7301I tried /bin/bash and I liked it. 7302 -- zrj 7303% 7304I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about feces. What a lot we 7305had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized 7306dung of long-vanished animals. A miraculous thing, really; a recovery 7307from the past from what was carelessly rejected. And in the Middle 7308Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were 7309with the feces of animals. And what a variety of names they had for 7310them: the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of 7311an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets 7312of a Deer. Surely there might be some words for the material so near 7313to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit? 7314What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a 7315Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian, 7316the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties 7317of an Untenured Professor? 7318 -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels" 7319% 7320I want a girl that can swallow my pride. 7321 -- Frank Zappa, "Jewish Princess" 7322% 7323I want the same things all men do, Rice Krispies and some sucking. 7324 -- Dudley Moore 7325% 7326I was 15 years old before I found out that "damn yankee" was two words. 7327% 7328I was a cock-teaser at Rooster Rama. 7329I used to enrage the bantams before the big bouts. 7330 -- The Firesign Theatre 7331% 7332I was having sex just the other night, but she hung up. 7333% 7334I was on vacation in Greece last summer, and was being driven round an island 7335by a Greek cab-driver. He was a friendly man, and as we drove, he told me 7336about various historic and scenic places he had been involved with. 7337 "See the entrance to that church over there? I built that with my 7338two sons. But do they call me `Dimitri the church builder'? Do they hell!" 7339 As we passed a dam, he said, "See that dam? Four of us built that 7340dam by ourselves! But do they call me `Dimitri the dam builder?' Hell, no!" 7341 As we passed a beautiful cottage, Dimitri started up again -- "See 7342that house? I built that for my wife with my own two hands! But do they 7343call me `Dimitri the home builder'? No! But just one little sheep!" 7344% 7345"I was plodding through the woods when suddenly a giant brown bear 7346grabbed me from behind and made me drop my gun. He picked it up 7347and stuck it in my back." 7348 "What did you do?" 7349 "What *could* I do? I married his daughter." 7350% 7351I went to a wild party last night. I tell ya, it was so wild, we played 7352a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one 7353of them had V.D. 7354 -- Rodney Dangerfield 7355% 7356I wish I was a fascinating lady 7357With a past that was cheap and a future that was shady 7358I'd sleep all day and I'd work all night 7359I'd live in a house with a little red light 7360And once a month I'd take a small vacation 7361And leave all the men to their imagination 7362And once in a while I'd go all wild 7363And have myself an illegitimate child 7364I wish I were a fascinating lady 7365Instead I'm the minister's child 7366% 7367I wish that my room had a floor; 7368I don't so much care for a door, 7369 But this walking around 7370 Without touching the ground 7371Is getting to be quite a bore! 7372 -- Gelett Burgess 7373% 7374I wonder what my wife will want tonight; 7375Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight? 7376 I wonder can she tell 7377 That I've been raising hell; 7378Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight? 7379 7380My wife is just as nice as can be, 7381I hope she doesn't feel too nice toward me. 7382 For an afternoon of joy, 7383 Is hell on the old boy, 7384I wonder what the wife will want tonight! 7385% 7386I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda, 7387I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder. 7388 She said it was crude 7389 To be wooed in the nude-- 7390I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her! 7391% 7392I would like to say, Mister Bunce, 7393I'm a great connoisseur of hot cunts. 7394 And in all my lewd life 7395 I've met none like your wife, 7396So why leave her to me, you big dunce? 7397% 7398I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is 7399going to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out 7400your mind. In general this drug will make you just like your mother 7401and father. 7402 -- Frank Zappa 7403% 7404I wouldn't fuck her with your prick. 7405% 7406I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay dead that 7407scares the shit out of me. 7408 -- R. Geis 7409% 7410I'd like to give the world a hug 7411And tell it jokes and stuff 7412And pull its pants down to its knees 7413And chase it through the rough 7414 7415Then tie it up with bonds and straps 7416And search its purse for change 7417Then leave it out at Moose Grin Hall 7418With our cousin who's deranged ... 7419 -- National Lampoon, to an old Coke commercial 7420% 7421I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on 7422now. 7423% 7424I'd like to start a new religion. One that doesn't use a dead young 7425man as its logo. 7426 -- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy" 7427% 7428I'd rather have fingers than toes, 7429I'd rather have ears than a nose, 7430 And a happy erection 7431 Brought just to perfection 7432Makes me terribly sad when it goes. 7433% 7434I'd walk a mile for a Camel, two for a hump. 7435% 7436If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair. If this doesn't 7437work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child. 7438% 7439If all these sweet young things were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be a 7440bit surprised. 7441 -- Dorothy Parker 7442% 7443If anyone wants to trade a couple of centrally located, well-cushioned 7444showgirls for an eroded slope 90 minutes from Broadway, I'll be on this 7445corner tomorrow at 11 with my tongue hanging out. 7446 -- S. J. Perelman 7447% 7448If being bi increases your chance of getting a date, 7449does being poly increase your chance of getting dumped? 7450% 7451If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in 7452James Watt's office. 7453 -- Wayne Shannon, KRON-TV 7454% 7455If continence causes neurosis 7456And intercourse causes thrombosis 7457 I'd rather expire 7458 Fulfilling desire 7459Than live in a state of psychosis. 7460% 7461If girls are all sugar and spice, why do they taste like anchovies? 7462% 7463If God doesn't destroy San Francisco, 7464He should apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah. 7465% 7466If God had meant for Texans to ski he would have made bullshit white. 7467% 7468If God had meant for us to have group sex, he'd have given us more organs. 7469 -- Malcolm Bradbury 7470% 7471If God had wanted people to give blow 7472jobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth. 7473% 7474If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10 7475apostles. 7476% 7477If God hadn't intended man to eat pussy, 7478would He have made it look like a taco? 7479% 7480If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals? 7481% 7482If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound? 7483% 7484If I could reach, I'd never leave the house. 7485 -- George Carlin 7486% 7487If I had a penis I'd wear it outside, 7488In cafes and car lots, with pomp and with pride. 7489If I had a penis I'd pamper it proper 7490I'd stay in the tub and use me as the stopper. 7491If I had a penis I'd take it to parties 7492Stretch it and stroke it and shove it at smarties. 7493I'd take it to pet shows and teach it to stay. 7494I'd stuff it in turkeys on Thanksgiving Day. 7495 7496I'd rival my buddies in sportscars and stick shifts. 7497I'd shower my spire with girlies and gifts. 7498I'd peek around corners; I'd aim at my toilet; 7499I'd poke it at foreigners and soap it and oil it. 7500If I had a penis I'd run to my mother; 7501Comb out the hair and compare it to brother. 7502I'd lance her, I'd knight her, my hands would indulge... 7503Pants would seem tighter and buckle and bulge. 7504[Chorus] 7505 A penis to plunder, a penis to push 7506 'Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush. 7507 A penis to love me, a penis to share, 7508 To pick up and play with when nobody's there. 7509 -- Uncle Bonsai, "Penis Envy" 7510% 7511If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I 7512just couldn't help myself. 7513 -- Adolf Hitler 7514% 7515If it flies, floats or fucks, rent it, don't buy it. 7516 -- Tommy Earl Bruner 7517% 7518If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all. 7519 -- Rodney Dangerfield 7520% 7521If it's not one thing, it's a mother. 7522% 7523If Jesus Christ came to this town, people would say, great guy; terrible 7524carpenter. 7525 -- Gene Kirkwood, on Hollywood 7526% 7527If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot 7528to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think 7529the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* 7530pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get 7531lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets 7532lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa [ucbarpa.berkeley.edu] is down and 7533think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to receive 7534Net Mail ... 7535 -- Casey Leedom 7536% 7537If life's a piece of shit, Calculus III is the spoon. 7538% 7539If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament. 7540% 7541If men couldn't fuck there'd be a bounty on their heads. 7542% 7543If only is was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to 7544masturbate. 7545 -- Diogenes the Cynic 7546% 7547If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the country. 7548 -- Mel Brooks 7549% 7550If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question. 7551% 7552If sex is a pain in the ass, you may be doing it wrong. 7553% 7554If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would 7555suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only 7556fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, 7557only two went back to women. 7558 -- Mort Sahl 7559% 7560If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream 7561and never be our destiny. 7562 -- Rene de Visme Williamson 7563% 7564If they can't take a joke, then fuck 'em. 7565If they can, then fuck 'em. 7566% 7567If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out. 7568If thy dick offends thee, whack it off. 7569% 7570If women ran the military complex, would the missiles be shaped differently? 7571% 7572If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you 7573should join 7574 7575 THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF 7576 7577The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all who 7578don't allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs. In 7579addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the 7580following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as Church dogma: 7581 7582 -- That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which 7583 UFOs come. 7584 -- That pi equals precisely 3.000. 7585 -- That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals. 7586 -- That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared 7587 the circle. 7588 -- That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job. 7589 -- That pi equals precisely 22/7. 7590 7591Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being 7592studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were 7593done in a Hollywood special effects studio. These will be the subject 7594of a forthcoming Papal Bull ... 7595% 7596If you could get an erection, you would have no need for Emacs. 7597% 7598If you don't ride a camel to work, you ain't Sheeite. 7599% 7600If you find for your verse there's no call, 7601And you can't afford paper at all, 7602 For the true poet born, 7603 However forlorn, 7604There is always the lavat'ry wall. 7605% 7606If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish. 7607 -- Lenny Bruce 7608% 7609If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody 7610in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments. 7611% 7612If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try a different position. 7613% 7614If you were attacked by a homosexual, would you beat him off? 7615% 7616If your thesis is utterly vacuous, 7617Employ first-order predicate calculus. 7618 With sufficient formality, 7619 The sheerest banality, 7620Will be hailed by all as miraculous! 7621% 7622If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a 7623buzz-saw. 7624 -- W. C. Fields 7625% 7626If you're Catholic you've only got two choices: periodic 7627abstinence and complete continence; (you know, rhythm and blues). 7628% 7629If you're going to break up with your old lady and you live in a small 7630town, make sure you don't break up at three in the morning. Because you're 7631screwed -- there's nothing to do ... So make it about nine in the morning, 7632... bullshit around, worry her a little, then come back at seven in the 7633night. 7634 -- Lenny Bruce 7635% 7636If you're gonna sleep with someone whose moral code may be written 7637in Fortran for all you know, at least make sure there's an existing 7638friendship of some sort to fall back on if things don't work out 7639like one or the other of you planned. 7640% 7641If you're really into astrology, tell me, what happens 7642when Mercury is in the Fish, and Jupiter enters the Virgin? 7643% 7644If you're speaking of actions immoral 7645The how about giving the laurel 7646 To doughty Queen Esther, 7647 No three men could best her -- 7648One fore, and one aft, and one oral. 7649% 7650Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion. 7651 -- Robert Burton 7652% 7653Il y a une jeune fille amoureuse 7654D'un homme qu'a une conduite honteuse; 7655 Il la mene chaque soir 7656 A son caveau noir 7657Et la bat avec plaintes crapuleuses. 7658 -- Edward Gorey 7659% 7660Il y avait un jeune homme de dijon, 7661Qui n'avait que peu de religion. 7662 Il dit:"quant a' moi, 7663 Je deteste tous les trois, 7664Le pere, et le fils, et le pigeon-" 7665% 7666Il y avait un plombier, Francois, 7667Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois. 7668 Dit-elle, "Arretez! 7669 J'entends quelqu'un venait." 7670Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi." 7671% 7672Il y avait une madame de Lahore 7673Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure, 7674 Mais la vagine tres forte, 7675 Toujours ouverte la porte, 7676Encore, et encore, et encore. 7677% 7678"I'll tell ya, Jeb," Wilbur said to his friend, "the tractor business ain't 7679doin' too well. I ain't sold one all month. 7680 "You think you've got problems?" Jeb replied. "The other day, I went 7681out to milk Daisy, when she swatted me in the face with her tail, like she 7682always does. So I took some twine and tied it to the rafters. When I sat 7683down again, she kicked me like she always does. So I tied her leg to the 7684side of the stall. When I started to sit down again, I could see her taking 7685aim with her other leg, so I tied it to the other side of the stall. And I'll 7686tell you what," he continued with a sigh, "if you can convince my wife I was 7687gonna *milk* that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!" 7688% 7689I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year. 7690 -- Rodney Dangerfield 7691% 7692I'm a gay man trapped in a lesbian's body! 7693 -- The Queer Gospels of Madonna the Sloppily Conceived 7694% 7695I'm a lover not a dancer! 7696I'm a lover not a dancer! 7697Don't want to be on my feet, 7698When I can be on my back, 7699Don't want to be on the floor, 7700When I can be in the sack! 7701I'm a lover not a dancer! 7702I'm a lover not a dancer! 7703I'm just a little bit tired 7704If you know what I mean, 7705Don't want to be in a crowd 7706When I can be in a dream! 7707I'm a lover not a dancer! 7708Baby! 7709And, baby, let me prove it to you, 7710Baby, let me prove it to you! 7711 -- Jim Steinman, "Dance in my Pants" 7712% 7713I'm against group sex because I wouldn't know where to put my elbows. 7714 -- Martin Cruz Smith 7715% 7716I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say 7717"I've just had a good war." 7718 -- Mae West 7719% 7720I'm glad we don't have to play in the shade. 7721 -- Golfer Bobby Jones on being told that it was 105 degrees 7722 in the shade. 7723 7724Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is 7725dropped. 7726 -- Franklyn Ajaye 7727% 7728I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, 7729it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French 7730government -- I'd give it all up for one erection. 7731 -- Groucho Marx 7732% 7733I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. Eddie Cantor's 7734goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is Jewish. Marine Corps 7735-- heavy goyish, dangerous. Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are 7736goyish. Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. 7737Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. Macaroons are 7738very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is goyish. Lime soda is 7739very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that Jews won't go near them. 7740 -- Lenny Bruce 7741% 7742I'm never through with a girl until I've had her three ways. 7743 -- J.F. Kennedy 7744% 7745I'm not a pheasant plucker, 7746I'm a pheasant plucker's son. 7747I'm just a'plucking pheasants 7748'Til the pheasant plucker comes. 7749 -- The Irish Rovers 7750% 7751I'm not against women. Not often enough, anyway. 7752 -- NPR 7753% 7754I'm not laughing behind your back; everything funny is in front! 7755 -- Rodney Dangerfield's wife 7756% 7757I'm So Miserable Without You It's Almost Like Having You Here 7758 -- Song title by Stephen Bishop 7759 7760She Got the Gold Mine, I Got the Shaft 7761 -- Song title by Jerry Reed 7762 7763When My Love Comes Back from the Ladies' Room Will I Be Too Old to Care? 7764 -- Song title by Lewis Grizzard 7765 7766I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling 7767 -- Unattributed song title 7768 7769Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goal Posts of Life 7770 -- Unattributed song title 7771% 7772I'm sorry I'm late folks, I just got out of jail. I tried to change my 7773girlfriend's name. Yeah, I went down to the hall of records. I said, "I'd 7774like to change it... I'd like to change it to... LYING LITTLE BITCH!" 7775 -- Sam Kinison 7776% 7777I'm unbuttoning your shirt, unzipping your jeans ... 7778 7779Oh, I can feel your fingers on the keys, baby, 7780 I'm getting WARM ... 7781 7782I am getting there, oh yes,. Oh, my. OH YES... OHHHH! 7783 ...!!!rrrrrgh!!!!! 7784 7785Honey, that was *really* terrific, but, next time, 7786couldn't you please input a little SLOWER? 7787% 7788Imagine me going around with a pot belly. 7789It would mean political ruin. 7790 -- Adolf Hitler 7791% 7792Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable. 7793Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table. 7794David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel, 7795And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as schloshed as Schlegel. 7796There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya 'bout the raising of the wrist. 7797Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed! 7798 7799John Stuart Mill, of his own free will, 7800On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill. 7801Plato, they say, could stick it away, half a crate of whiskey every day. 7802Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle, 7803Hobbes was fond of his dram, 7804And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am". 7805Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed; 7806A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed! 7807 -- Monty Python, "The Philosopher's Drinking Song" 7808% 7809Impotent loser, n.: 7810 Someone who can't even get his hopes up. 7811% 7812In 1953, Stalin dies. The politburo holds a special meeting to decide 7813what to do about the body. Nobody will let it be buried near their home. 7814Finally they decide: 7815 "Aha! Call Israel! Offer them ten million rubels; they'll let us 7816bury Stalin in Israel! Off goes the message and the politburo waits... 7817Finally a telegram comes back: 7818 "NO CHANCE STOP ONE RESURRECTION HERE ALREADY" 7819% 7820In a recent survey on why some men are homosexual, 82 percent of the gay 7821chaps responding said that either genetics or home environment was the 7822principal factor. The remaining 18 percent revealed that they had been 7823sucked into it. 7824% 7825In bed Dr. Oscar McPugh 7826Spoke of Spengler -- and ate crackers too. 7827 His wife said, "Oh, stuff 7828 That philosophy guff 7829Up your ass, dear, and throw me a screw!" 7830% 7831In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with 7832reality at any point. 7833 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 7834% 7835In cosmetics, there's cases of revolutionary Venus Envy Hair Spray; 7836Legette Hair Fastener Heat Bags; Lady O' Spain Self-Blinding Eye Shadow 7837with Magic Puncture Pencil; Sanitary Napkin Rings in Little Miss, Moon 7838Maid and Stuck Pig Strength; and deported Italian Napagel Balls for 7839soaking or eating; and they're all slash-priced with the lady in mind... 7840 -- The Firesign Theatre 7841% 7842In days of old, when knights were bold, 7843 And rubbers weren't invented, 7844They tied their socks around their cocks 7845 And babies were prevented. 7846% 7847In Duluth there's a hostess, forsooth, 7848Who doesn't know gin from vermouth, 7849 But this lubricant lapse 7850 Isn't noticed, perhaps 7851Because nobody does in Duluth. 7852% 7853In France they piss on Main Street 7854(In pissoirs, Mama, not cheap display). 7855 -- Joni Mitchell 7856% 7857In light of the New Morality, Playboy Inc. is offering a new version of 7858its magazine, for married men. Every month it has the same centerfold. 7859% 7860In my sweet little Alice Blue gown 7861Was the first time I ever laid down, 7862 I was both proud and shy 7863 As he opened his fly 7864And the moment I saw it I thought I would die. 7865 7866Oh it hung almost down to the ground, 7867As it went in I made not a sound, 7868 The more that he shoved it 7869 The more that I loved it, 7870As he came on my Alice Blue gown. 7871% 7872In my sweet little night gown of blue, 7873On the first night that I slept with you, 7874 I was both shy and scared 7875 As the bed was prepared, 7876And you played peekaboo with my ribbons of blue. 7877 7878As we both watched the break of day, 7879And in peaceful submission I lay, 7880 You said you adored it 7881 But dammit, you tore it, 7882My sweet little night gown of blue. 7883% 7884In outer space, nobody can hear you fart. 7885% 7886In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless 7887he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client 7888has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated 7889that "If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time 7890ago." 7891 -- Dennis Miller, SNL News 7892% 7893In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians. 7894 -- Joseph Stalin 7895% 7896In the Garden of Eden sat Adam, 7897Massaging the bust of his madam, 7898 He chuckled with mirth, 7899 For he knew that on earth, 7900There were only two boobs and he had 'em. 7901% 7902In the romantic days of Warsaw, Viennese whores were known for their 7903beauty and delicacy. A gallant officer picked up one such lady of the 7904evening, who took him to her apartment. They made delicious love all 7905evening before drifting to sleep in each others' arms. In the morning 7906the man dressed, staring into a full-length mirror. The lady lay in her 7907bed watching him. Finally, she said softly, 7908 "Didn't you forget something?" 7909 "What did I forget?" asked the officer. 7910 "You forgot about the money," said the lady. 7911 "Oh, no," said the man, standing at ramrod attention. 7912"A Polish officer never accepts money." 7913% 7914In the shade of the old apple tree 7915Where between her fat legs I could see 7916 A little brown spot 7917 With the hair in a knot, 7918And it certainly looked good to me. 7919 7920I asked as I tickled her tit 7921If she thought that my big thing would fit. 7922 She said it would do 7923 So we had a good screw In the shade of the old apple tree 7924In the shade of the old apple tree. I got all that was coming to me. 7925 In the soft dewy grass 7926I could hear the dull buzz of the bee I had a fine piece of ass 7927As he sunk his grub hooks into me. From a maiden that was fine to see. 7928 Her ass it was fine 7929 But you should have seen mine 7930In the shade of the old apple tree. 7931% 7932In the stands here I see a young couple who must be in love -- they're 7933kissing on every pitch. He's kissing her on the strikes, and she's 7934kissing him on the balls. 7935 -- Harry Caray, a Chicago sportscaster 7936% 7937Incest, n.: 7938 Sibling revelry. 7939% 7940Incest, n: 7941 Sibling revelry; a sport the whole family can enjoy. 7942% 7943Infatuation, n.: 7944 When you're in love, there's a lump in your throat. 7945 When you're infatuated, there's a lump in your pants. 7946% 7947In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe 7948is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit. 7949% 7950==================== 7951Inter-Dwarf Memo 7952To: Dwarf-list 7953From: Doc 7954Re: S. White 7955 7956 If that bitch cleans one more thermometer with Ajax, I'm gonna kill 7957her. I'll give her apples, nice big apples. With surprises inside. Yeah, 7958surprises. 7959% 7960==================== 7961Inter-Dwarf Memo 7962To: Dwarf-list 7963From: Happy 7964Re: S. White 7965 7966 Let it be noted that if she whistles that goddamned song one 7967more time I'm gonna rip her fuckin' lips off. Have a nice day. 7968% 7969Is it just me, or does anyone else read "bible humpers" every time 7970someone writes "bible thumpers"? 7971 -- Joel M. Snyder, jms@mis.arizona.edu 7972% 7973Israeli prime minister Shamir invited the Pope to play a round of golf. Since 7974the Pope hadn't the faintest of an idea how to play, he convened the college of 7975cardinals to ask their advice. "Call Arnold Palmer," they suggested, "make him 7976a cardinal and let him play in your place. Tell Shamir you couldn't make it." 7977 Honored by His Holiness' request, Palmer agreed to represent him. 7978When he returned from the match, the Pope asked him how he had done. "I came 7979in second," Palmer replied. 7980 "You mean to tell me Shamir beat you?" 7981 "No, Your Holiness. Rabbi Nicklaus did." 7982% 7983It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be 7984classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck". 7985% 7986It is better to have a positive Wasserman than never to have loved at all. 7987% 7988It is better to have Uranus in Cancer than to have Cancer in Uranus. 7989% 7990It is considered normal to consecrate virginity in the 7991general and lust for its destruction in the particular. 7992% 7993It is far better to sleep with an old hen than pullet. 7994% 7995It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. 7996Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other 7997half are doing it. 7998 -- Winston Churchill 7999% 8000It is not wise to make love more than once in the morning. 8001You never know who you'll meet later in the day. 8002% 8003It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that 8004could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered, 8005broad-hipped, and short-legged race. 8006 -- Schopenhauer 8007% 8008It is recounted that at King's College in the Strand around the time of the 8009war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds by 8010teaching "a singularly important principle of medicine." He asked a nurse 8011to fetch him a sample of urine. He then talked at length about Diabetes 8012mellitus. "Diabetes," he said, "is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that 8013the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which 8014means sweet as honey. Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine 8015of a diabetic ..." 8016 By now the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which the 8017registrar promptly held up like a trophy. We stared at that straw-colored 8018fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before. The registrar then 8019startled us. He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his 8020finger with the tip of his tongue. As if tasting wine, he opened and closed 8021his lips rapidly. Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar? The sample 8022was passed on to us for an opinion. We all dipped a finger into the fluid, 8023all of us foolishly licked that finger. 8024 "Now," said the Registrar grinning, "You have learnt the first 8025principle of diagnosis. I mean the power of observation." We were baffled. 8026We stood near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the distance, some 8027anonymous patient was explosively coughing. "You see," the registrar said 8028continuing triumphantly, "I dipped my MIDDLE finger into the urine, but 8029licked my INDEX finger -- not like all you chaps. 8030% 8031It is very difficult to look at the possibility of lesbian sheep because 8032if you are a female sheep, what you do to solicit sex is to stand still. 8033Maybe there is a female sheep out there really wanting another female, 8034but there's just no way for us to know it. 8035 -- Anne Perkins, in her study of sexuality in sheep. 8036% 8037It may not be funny, but it's damned amusing! 8038% 8039It must be admitted that we English have sex on the brain, which is a 8040very unfortunate place to have it. 8041 -- Malcolm Muggeridge 8042% 8043It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then 8044god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side. 8045 -- Frank Zappa 8046% 8047It seems that a rabbi, a priest and a minister decided to go fishing one 8048sunny afternoon. All three climbed into the boat and headed for the middle 8049of the lake. After several hours of relaxation, the minister decided that 8050"nature was calling", and climbed out of the boat and walked ashore. In 8051a few moments, he walked back out to the boat and climbed back in. 8052 The rabbi was absolutely astonished, but decided not to mention 8053the apparent miracle. 8054 A few minutes later, the priest also decided to go ashore for a 8055moment, and climbed out of the boat, walked to shore, and a few minutes 8056later came back. 8057 By now the rabbi was in great distress and had begun to doubt his 8058beliefs and wonder if there might be some validity to the Christian 8059teachings. But he immediately reaffirmed the fact that his faith WAS JUST 8060AS STRONG as either the priest's or the minister's and decided that anything 8061they could do, with God's help, he could do as well. 8062 The rabbi then announced that he needed relief and would walk to 8063shore. He climbed out of the boat and went straight to the bottom of the 8064lake. While the rabbi was thrashing about in the water, the priest turned to 8065the minister and said, "So... do you think we ought to tell him where the 8066rocks are?" 8067% 8068It seems that a Scotsman and an Irishman walked into a bar. The Scot 8069immediately singled out the bartender and proclaimed that drinks were 8070on the house, and that he expected him to serve only his best. The next 8071day, the headlines read: Irish Ventriloquist Beaten to Death Behind Bar. 8072% 8073It seems that John gets this phone call: 8074 "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end of the line 8075is hard and cold. 8076 "This is Susan," he hears. "We met at a party a few months 8077ago. 8078 "Of course, Susan!", John replies. "How are you?" 8079 "Not very well. Remember how after the party you took me home and 8080we parked? And you told me that I was a 'good sport'? Well, I'm pregnant 8081and I'm going to kill myself tonight." 8082 John is silent for a few moments, collecting his thoughts. "Well," 8083he finally replies, "you sure *are* a good sport." 8084% 8085It seems that there was this Christian about to be thrown to the lions. He 8086was shoved into the middle of the arena and the lion was released. Being 8087a good Christian, as the lion approached he knelt and prayed, asking God for 8088forgiveness for his (few) sins, and begging that the lion might be dissuaded 8089from eating him for its breakfast. Much to his dismay, the lion didn't stop 8090but kept coming, getting faster and faster, now almost running, so the 8091Christian took off too. There they were, running around and around the arena, 8092the lion getting closer and the Christian praying harder and harder between 8093gasps for breath. The lions breath was now hot upon his heels and he could 8094even feel droplets of the lions saliva splashing on his bare feet. So he 8095pulled out all the stops, promising God that if the lion will only spare him, 8096he will devote the rest of his life to spreading the Christian faith, 8097forsaking all temptation and possessions. Suddenly he no longer felt the 8098lions breath, no longer heard the great beast's snarls close behind him. 8099Slowing to a stop, he turned around and saw the lion on its knees, eyes rolled 8100upward, paws held together. The lion appeared to be muttering something so 8101the Christian approached until he could make out what the lion was saying. 8102 "Dear Lord, for what I am about to receive..." 8103% 8104It takes a brave man to admit his mistakes. 8105Especially in a paternity hearing. 8106% 8107It takes leather balls to play rugby. 8108 (Blood makes the grass grow!) 8109% 8110It takes little strain and no art 8111To bang out an echoing fart. 8112 The reaction is hearty 8113 When you fart at a party, 8114But the sensitive persons depart. 8115% 8116It used to be a man's world, and the woman's place was in the home. 8117They can kiss that shit goodbye. 8118% 8119It was a female that drove me to drink 8120and I didn't even have the kindness to thank her. 8121 -- R.E. Baber 8122% 8123It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The 8124Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital 8125lies. 8126 -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way" 8127% 8128It was a warm, sunny Sunday, and a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. 8129They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and 8130the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. "That gorilla is getting 8131excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse 8132off and we'll see what he does?" 8133 At first she refused. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took 8134off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and 8135jumping up and down. 8136 "Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all 8137your clothes and we'll see what he does." 8138 Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape 8139really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around 8140in circles and tossed his food all over the cage. The husband went over to 8141the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. 8142 "Now," said the husband, "tell that motherfucker you have a headache!" 8143% 8144It was almost closing time when a male patron who had been getting the 8145frosty treatment from a girl at the end of the bar called to the 8146bartender and said, "Give that bitchy douche bag over there one on me." 8147 "We discourage that sort of language here, sir," the bartender 8148answered sternly. 8149 "OK, OK. Serve the lady a cocktail with my compliments." 8150 The bartender approached the female in question. "The, uh, gentleman 8151at the other end of the bar would like to buy you a drink, miss. What would 8152you like?" 8153 "Vinegar and water." 8154% 8155It was April the 41st, 8156Being a quadruple leap year. 8157I was driving in down-town Atlantis. 8158My Barracuda was in the shop, 8159So I was in a rented stingray 8160 -- and it was over-heating. 8161So, I pulled into a Shell station. 8162They said I'd blown a seal. 8163I said "Fix the damned thing and leave my private 8164 life out of it, okay pal?" 8165 -- Wet Dreams 8166% 8167It was at the eighth annual mouse convention and mice from near and far had 8168gathered for the ball. A pretty little female mouse waltzed by the stag 8169line and one of the males whistled a low, dirty whistle to himself. 8170Turning to another mouse he said, "Look at the legs on that bitch, aren't 8171they beautiful?" 8172 "Just fair," was the answer. 8173 "You're crazy," said the first mouse and then turning to another, 8174asked his opinion. 8175 "They're nice," said the third mouse, "but nothing to get excited 8176about." 8177 "Some mice have no appreciation," exclaimed the first mouse. "Now 8178you," he said to a fourth mouse, "what did you think?" 8179 "To tell you the truth," was the reply, "I'm no authority on legs; 8180I'm a tit mouse myself." 8181% 8182It was her wedding night, and the sweet young thing was in a romantic haze. 8183"Oh, darling," she sighed, "We're married at last. It's all like a wonderful 8184dream!" 8185 Her husband didn't answer. A few moments passed. She sighed again 8186and said, "I'm afraid I'll awake in a moment and find it isn't true." 8187 Still no response from her spouse. Another pause and another 8188sensuous sigh, then, softly, "I just can't believe that I'm really your 8189wife." 8190 "Damn it," growled her mate, "as soon as I get this shoelace untied, 8191you will!" 8192% 8193It was his third marriage and her fourth. He was quite surprised when on 8194their honeymoon she pleaded, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." 8195 "Darling, what do you mean you're still a virgin? You've been 8196married three times." 8197 "Yes, but they all worked for DEC. The first was a salesman, 8198and all he ever did was promise how good it would be. The second was one 8199of their software hacks, he told me to take care of it myself. And the 8200third was a field service representative, and he kept promising that it 8201would be up in 15 minutes. 8202% 8203It was New Year's Eve and the house was brightly decorated with holiday 8204trappings. The only sound that broke the quiet was the click of Grandma's 8205knitting needles. The children; Jane, eight and Mary, five, were seated 8206in front of a cheerily burning fire, leafing through a picture book. 8207Tiring of this, they went over to Grandma's rocker. Jane climbed up on 8208the arm of the chair and Mary snuggled into Grandma's cozy lap. 8209 "Tell us a story," begged Mary. 8210 "Oh," said the old lady, laying aside her knitting and wrapping 8211her arms around the children. "What story should I tell you?" 8212 "Tell us our favorite story," whispered little Jane eagerly. 8213"About the time you were a hooker in Chicago." 8214% 8215It was on the tip of my tongue to tell them about the deer, but I ended up 8216not doing it. That was one thing I kept to myself. I've never spoken or 8217written of it until just now, today. And I have to tell you that it seems 8218a lesser thing written down, damn near inconsequential. But for me it was 8219the best part of that trip, the cleanest part, and it was a moment I found 8220myself returning to, almost helplessly, when there was trouble in my life -- 8221my first day in the bush in Vietnam, and this fellow walked into the clearing 8222where we were with his hand over his nose and when he took his hand away there 8223was no nose there because it had been shot off; the time the doctor told us 8224our youngest son might be hydrocephalic (he turned out just to have an 8225oversized head, thank God); the long crazy weeks before my mother died. I 8226would find my thoughts turning back to that morning, the scuffed suede of 8227her ears, the white flash of her tail. But eight hundred million Red Chinese 8228don't give a shit, right? The most important things are the hardest to say, 8229because words diminish them. It's hard to make strangers care about the 8230good things in your life. 8231 -- Stephen King, "The Body" 8232% 8233It was the first day of a new term at Princeton, and a Texas A&M freshman 8234was learning his way around the campus. Stopping a distinguished looking 8235upperclassman, he inquired, 8236 "Say, buddy, can you tell me where the library is at?" 8237 "My good fellow," came the reply, "at Princeton we do not end our 8238sentences with a preposition." 8239 "All right," said the freshman, "can you tell me where the library 8240is at, asshole?" 8241% 8242It was this guy's first day in the penitentiary; he was in a cell with a 8243huge burley inmate, and he was pretty nervous. At lights-out, the inmate 8244jumped out of his bunk, and, turning to our hero, said, "We're going to 8245have sex! You want to be the Mommy or the Daddy?" 8246 A very terrified hero managed to squeak out, "Uh, well, uh, I guess 8247I'll be the Daddy." 8248 "OK," smiled his roommate, "get down here and suck your Momma's dick!" 8249% 8250It's a bit hard to bullshit the ocean. It's not listening, you know 8251what I mean. 8252 -- David Crosby 8253% 8254It's a bitch being butch. 8255% 8256It's a funny thing that when a woman hasn't got anything 8257on earth to worry about, she goes off and gets married. 8258% 8259It's a question of Napoleon brandy versus Ripple. 8260I am mellow and amber and I go down real smooth. 8261 -- Rita Moreno, commenting in Newsweek on the sex appeal 8262 of older women versus younger women 8263% 8264"It's always the same," the girl sighed to her roommate after returning 8265in the wee, small hours. "Afterward, I feel so compromised, so cheap, so 8266soiled... so absolutely wonderful from head to toe!" 8267% 8268It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up. 8269 -- Joan Rivers 8270% 8271It's better to be pissed off than pissed on. 8272% 8273It's hard to keep a good girl down -- but lots of fun trying. 8274% 8275It's midnight. The old man is awake, nervously pacing the floor, as his 827620-year-old son comes in. 8277 8278 "Whatta you mean? You staya out alla night, you runna around widda 8279bums. Whatta you trying to do?" 8280 "Papa, don't talk like that," replies the boy. 8281 "Who-a you, tella me notta talka like that? You no work, you 8282chase-a bad women, whatta become of you?" 8283 "Papa, *please* don't talk like that." 8284 "Don'ta talka like that? Whatta you mean? Why shouldn't I talka 8285likka that?" 8286 "Papa, we're not Italian." 8287% 8288It's not a sin not to be Irish, but it is a great shame. 8289 -- Sean O'Huiginn 8290% 8291It's not pretty being easy. 8292% 8293It's not the ups and downs of love, it's the ins and outs. 8294% 8295It's so fuckin' great to be alive! 8296% 8297It's the sighs that count. 8298% 8299I've been feeling kind of jealous, 8300Of all them well-hung fellas, 8301Like Michael, Rod, and Mick. It would have to be a big one, 8302Tell me, Doctor can you mend me? A giant, horny love gun, 8303I've a case of penis envy -- To let me be a jock. 8304If I only had a dick. Girls would never beg my pardon, 8305 They would turn on to my hardon -- 8306 If I only had a cock. 8307Oh, I can tell you now, 8308The number of times I'd score, 8309I could fuck girls like I would not be just a housewife, 8310 I never have before, Living a little mouse-life 8311And then I'd cum (wee!) In days that drag out long. 8312And fuck some more! I would dance and I'd be merry 8313 Life would be a ding-a-derry 8314 If I only had a dong! 8315 -- to "If I Only Had A Brain", The Wizard of Oz 8316% 8317I've been told that it's far more sensuous to have a woman leave something 8318on rather than being totally nude. Myself, I've always felt that the lights 8319were more than enough. 8320% 8321I've been watching you closely to see if you have been good this year; 8322and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me 8323to leave under your tree on Christmas. I was going to bring you all the 8324gifts from the twelve days of Christmas, but we had a little problem up here. 8325The twelve fiddlers fiddling have all come down with V.D. from fiddling with 8326the ten ladies dancing, the eleven lords-a-leaping have knocked up the eight 8327maids-a-milking, and the nine pipers piping have been arrested for doing 8328weird things to the seven swans-a-swimming and the six geese-a-laying. The 8329four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and the partridge 8330in the pear tree have me up to my ass in birdshit. On top of all this, Mrs. 8331Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves 8332have joined gay liberation, and those dumb ass Polacks have scheduled 8333Christmas for the fifth of February. I'll do what I can. 8334 Sincerely, 8335 Santa 8336% 8337I've finally found the perfect girl, 8338I couldn't ask for more, 8339She's deaf and dumb and over-sexed, 8340And owns a liquor store. 8341% 8342I've got Hubert's pecker in my pocket. 8343 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 8344 8345Don't see 'em this big out here, do they? 8346 -- Lyndon B. Johnson, exposing himself to reporters in a 8347 public toilet during a tour of the Far East 8348% 8349I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to 8350watch him have another. 8351 -- Rita Rudner 8352% 8353Jack an Jill went up the hill. 8354Jill went down, 8355Jack came. 8356% 8357Jack and Jill went up a hill 8358To fetch a pail of water. 8359Jack fell down and broke his crown Jack on Jill produced a thrill 8360And Jill came tumbling after. When on the ground he got her, 8361 Then went down and told the town 8362 He tumbled Jill and gaffed her. 8363Jack to Jill thus did such ill 8364That Jill, to pay the rotter, 8365Told the town Jack's crown broke down Jack and Jill have split the bill 8366When he set out to shaft her. Since Jack led Jill to totter. 8367 Half the town deals Jill a frown 8368 And half greets Jack with laughter. 8369% 8370Jack and Jill went up the hill 8371Each had a buck and a quarter. 8372Jill came down with two and a half -- 8373And you thought that they went for water. 8374% 8375Jack and Jill 8376Went up the hill, 8377Each had a buck and a quarter! 8378Jill came down, 8379With two and a half, 8380You think they went for water? 8381% 8382Jack be nimble, Jack be quick. 8383Jack jumped over the candle stick, 8384And burnt his balls. 8385% 8386Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, 8387Jack jumped over the candle stick. 8388But Jack wasn't so nimble, 8389Jack wasn't so quick, 8390So Jack's in the hospital, with a burned up dick! 8391% 8392Jehovah is an alien and still threatens this planet! 8393% 8394Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth his time. 8395% 8396Jesus has just stopped the crowd from stoning Mary Magdalene to death 8397and is berating the self-pious with the famous speech, "Let the one 8398among you who is without sin cast the first stone..." 8399 Right about then, a rock comes winging through the air and hits 8400Jesus upside the head. He whirls around and shouts "Alright, Mom, c'mon! 8401I'm trying to make a point, here!" 8402% 8403Jesus loves you, but everybody else thinks you're a dork. 8404% 8405Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin. 8406 -- Michael O'Donohugh 8407% 8408Jesus Never Fails 8409 8410(He's never taken the Massachusetts Bar Exam, either.) 8411% 8412Jesus saves... but Gretzky gets the rebound! 8413 -- Daniel Hinojosa 8414% 8415Jesus Saves, 8416Moses Invests, 8417But only Buddha pays Dividends. 8418% 8419Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority. 8420% 8421Jews always know two things: suffering and where to find great Chinese food. 8422 -- From the movie "My Favorite Year" 8423% 8424Jimmy Carter, Ted Kennedy, Gary Hart, Joseph Biden and Michael Dukakis were 8425on a cruise down the Potomac when the ship struck a rock and began to sink. 8426 "Gentlemen," Carter said, "as good Christians, we should let the 8427women and children aboard the lifeboats first." 8428 "Fuck the women!" Kennedy shouted. 8429 "Do we have time?" Hart asked. 8430 "Do we have time?" Biden asked. 8431 "Did everyone hear that?" Dukakis asked. 8432% 8433Joan of Arc is alive and medium well. 8434% 8435John Birch Society: 8436 That pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy. 8437 -- Edward P. Morgan 8438% 8439John Paul II is famous for his touring, and his quaint habit of pressing 8440his lips to foreign soil on his arrival. This sparked some wit to remark: 8441 "The Pope has it backwards: he kisses the ground, and walks on 8442the women!" 8443% 8444Johnny Carson's Observation on Geriatrics: 8445 Sex in the sixties is great, but it improves if you pull 8446 over to the side of the road. 8447% 8448Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of 8449blue denim. If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys 8450like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim. I don't enjoy the sky 8451or sea as much as I used to because of this Levi character. If Jesus Christ 8452came back today, He and I would get into our brown corduroys and go to the 8453nearest jean store and overturn the racks of blue denim. Then we'd get 8454crucified in the morning. 8455 -- Ian Anderson, of Jethro Tull 8456% 8457Kansas, where the men are men, the sheep 8458are scared and the women are grateful. 8459% 8460Kasha, n.: 8461 Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only 8462 one problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat 8463 groats"? *I* know what they are -- they're kasha. But that 8464 doesn't help *you* much. 8465 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 8466% 8467Kill a commie for Christ! 8468% 8469King Louis gave a lesson in class, 8470One time while enjoying a lass. 8471 When she used the word "Damn" 8472 He rebuked her: "Please ma'am, 8473Keep a more civil tongue in my ass." 8474% 8475Kissing, petting, and even intercourse are all right as long as they are 8476sincere. I have never given a kiss in my life that wasn't sincere. As 8477for intercourse, I'd say three times a day was about right. 8478 -- Margaret Sangor 8479% 8480Kitten with a whip, Teddy bear in chains, Puss in leather boots, 8481tail, swish swish, spread on a bed; rising thigh high; 8482take what you will, fantasy games, black rubber suits; 8483get what you wish. deep in your head. making him cry. 8484 8485Squirm from the blows, Now pussy's all hot, Teddy bear sighs; 8486writhe from the pain; from the power trip; kitty's on top; 8487but teddy bear knows, ready or not, there's fire in her eyes, 8488that he wants it again. next swing's from and the cat won't stop. 8489 the hip. 8490 8491The world explodes, Teddy's still tied; Kitten with a whip, 8492her claws dig in; lying all alone; tail, swish swish, 8493then kitty cat goes, even if he tried, take what you will, 8494cause she's through he couldn't go home. get what you wish. 8495 with him. 8496 -- Kitten With A Whip 8497% 8498Knowledge Engineering: 8499 8500A combination of: 8501 8502Engineering, n.: 8503 The application of science and mathematics by which the properties 8504of matter and the sources of energy in nature are made useful to man in 8505structures, machines, products, systems and processes. 8506 8507and 8508 8509Knowledge, n.: 8510 Sexual intercourse. 8511 8512See also: Prostitution, Grantsmanship. 8513% 8514Konrad Lorenz, the great animal behaviorist, was scrupulous about cultivating 8515fruitful confusion. Lorenz lived among his research subjects: dozens of 8516species of mammals, birds, reptiles, and fishes. He did not quantify, control, 8517or consciously experiment. He got to know each creature individually, then 8518threw them together, watching for the unexpected, the unusual, or the bizarre 8519in the chaos that followed. For example, his interest in one of ethology's 8520most important concepts, that of intention movements (motions with meaning, 8521such as the head bobbing in birds that serves as an alarm signal before 8522flight), derived from an inadvertent experiment. He had trained a free-flying 8523raven to eat raw meat from his hand and had been feeding the bird for several 8524hours one day. He would reach into his pants pocket and take out a piece of 8525meat, and the raven would swoop down to grab it in its bill. By and by, Lorenz 8526went to relieve himself near a hedge. When the raven saw him put his hand 8527into his pants and pull out another morsel of meat, it swooped down, hungrily 8528grasping the new mouthful in its bill. Lorenz howled in pain. But the event 8529left a deep impression on him -- about how faithfully animals respond to 8530intention movements, that is. 8531 -- The Sciences, May/June, 1988, N.Y. Academy of Science 8532% 8533Kotex, n.: 8534 Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best. 8535% 8536Kumquat, n.: 8537 Any of several small citrus fruits with sweet spongy rind and 8538 somewhat acidic pulp that are used chiefly for preserves. 8539 Extremely popular in some forms of sexual intercourse. In fact, 8540 an early indication that your partner is willing to experiment 8541 sexually may be a rather insistent moaning of "kumquat, kumquat" 8542 during orgasm. 8543 8544 Note: this is *not* to be confused with a warning from your 8545 partner that his/her parents are upstairs and probably awake. 8546% 8547Labia majora, n.: 8548 The curly gates. 8549% 8550Lady to Golf Pro: "I was stung by bees on your golf course!" 8551Pro: "Ummm, well, where?" 8552Lady: "Between the 1st and 2nd holes." 8553Pro: "That's going to real tough to treat." 8554% 8555Lagnaf, n.: 8556 Let's All Get Naked And Fuck! 8557% 8558Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone. 8559% 8560"Last night," said a lassie named Ruth, 8561"In a long-distance telephone booth, 8562 I enjoyed the perfection 8563 Of an ideal connection -- 8564I was screwed, if you must know the truth." 8565% 8566Last week I saw a girl in a sweater so tight I could hardly breathe. 8567% 8568Lawyer, n.: 8569 Someone who can get a sodomy charge changed to "following too 8570 closely." 8571% 8572Lawyers do it to everyone. 8573% 8574Left a good broad by the river, 8575Traveled back into town just to get some rest! 8576Waited for 10 hours, 8577Went back to the river, 8578But I couldn't get her out of that mess! 8579 8580chorus: 8581 Poor Mary Jo Kopechne, 8582 Dead Mary Jo Kopechne, 8583 Rollin'... rollin'... rollin' down the window! 8584 8585If you're gonna run for office, 8586And you know that it's an election year. 8587Don't go in the river, 8588'Specially by way of bridges, 8589It could put an end to your political career! 8590(chorus) 8591 -- Poor Mary Jo, to the tune of "Proud Mary" 8592% 8593Lemme show ya the odds, Sparky... In yer country, ya got 14 million 8594black people, and 3 million white people. Now, does the name "Custer" 8595mean anything to you? 8596 -- Robin Williams, portraying Lester Maddox talking to 8597 Prime Minister Botha of South Africa. 8598% 8599Les salons de la ville de Trieste 8600Sont vaseux, suraigus, at funestes; 8601 Parmi les grandes chaises 8602 On cause des malaises, 8603Des estropiements, et des pestes. 8604 -- Edward Gorey 8605% 8606Let a Field Service Engineer put it in. 8607% 8608LET Jesus be YOUR anchor! 8609 8610So when Satan rocks your boat, THROW Jesus overboard! 8611% 8612Liberace was at heaven's gate when Saint Peter told him that he'd been 8613disqualified from entering. 8614 Stunned, Liberace asked, "Why?" 8615 "Our records show that you once ate a parakeet," Saint Peter answered. 8616 "I never did that," Liberace replied. "Can't you check your records? 8617They *must* be wrong!" 8618 "It says right here that on August 15, 1981, you ate a chartreuse 8619parakeet with black trim." 8620 "Hey, listen, you must be thinking of Ozzy Osbourne, " Liberace 8621replied. "Now, I might have had a cockatoo..." 8622% 8623Lick-a-dee-clit! 8624% 8625Life is a bitch, but the puppies can be cute. 8626% 8627Life is a shit sandwich, and every day you get to take another bite. 8628It's just that some days are TWO BITE days ... 8629% 8630Life is having a mother-in-law that sucks and a wife that don't. 8631 -- Rodney Dangerfield 8632% 8633Life is like a cucumber -- one moment it's 8634in your hand, the next it's up your ass. 8635% 8636Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's 8637hard you get fucked. 8638% 8639Life is like a shit sandwich. The more bread 8640you have, the less shit you have to eat. 8641% 8642Life is not a cabaret. 8643It's a fucking circus. 8644% 8645Life isn't a bitch. Life is a virgin. A bitch is easy. 8646% 8647Like private parts to the Gods are we, 8648they play with us for their sport. 8649 -- Lord Melchett (Blackadder 2) 8650% 8651Lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you, 8652Lipstick on your dipstick said you were untrue. 8653Bet your bottom dollar you and I are through, 8654'Cause lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you. 8655 -- To the tune of "Lipstick On Your Collar" 8656% 8657Lisp hackers 8658 ... do it in CARS. 8659 ... do it with tail recursion. 8660 ... first do it in the front, then do it in the back. 8661 ... have DEFUN while doing it. 8662 ... have to be bound to do it. 8663 ... have Moby dicks. 8664% 8665Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ... 8666% 8667Lisp programmers do it deeper and deeper and deeper. 8668% 8669Little Boy Blue -- He needed the money. 8670 -- Andrew "Dice" Clay 8671% 8672LITTLE DEATH: (la petite mort) Some women do indeed pass right out, the 8673'little death' of French poetry. Men occasionally do the same. The 8674experience is not unpleasant, but it can scare an inexperienced partner 8675cold. A friend of ours had this happen with the first girl he ever slept 8676with. On recovery she explained, "I am awfully sorry, but I always do that." 8677By then he had called the police and an ambulance. So there is no cause 8678for alarm, any more than over the yells, convulsions, hysterical laughter, 8679or sobbing, or any of the other quite unexpected reactions that go along 8680with complete orgasm in some people. By contrast others simply shut their 8681eyes, but enjoy it no less. Sound and fury can be a flattering testimony 8682to a partners skills, but a fallacious one, because they don't depend on the 8683intensity of feeling, nor it upon them. 8684 -- The Joy of Sex 8685% 8686Little Herbie had been blind since birth. One day at bedtime, his mother 8687told him that the next day was a very special one. If he prayed extra 8688hard, he'd be able to see when he woke up the next morning. The next 8689morning she came into Herbie's room and asked him if he'd prayed hard 8690the night before. 8691 "Yes, Mommie," was his reply, "all night long!" 8692 "Well, then," she said, "open your eyes and you'll know that 8693your prayers have been answered." 8694Little Herbie opened his eyes, only to cry out, 8695 "Mother! Mother! I still can't see!" 8696 "I know, dear," said his mother, "April Fool." 8697% 8698Little Johnny with a grin, 8699Drank up all of daddy's gin, 8700Mother said, when he was plastered, 8701Go to bed, you little love-child. 8702% 8703Little known facts: the dirtiest words used on television during the 87041950's were uttered by June Cleaver. 8705 "Gee, Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?" 8706% 8707Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, 8708Eating her curds and whey. 8709Along came a spider, 8710And bit her right in the snatch. 8711% 8712Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet, 8713Eating her curds and whey. 8714Along came a spider, 8715Who sat down beside her, 8716And said, "Hey, what's in the bowl, bitch?" 8717 -- Andrew "Dice" Clay 8718% 8719Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, 8720Her knickers all tattered and torn. 8721For it wasn't a spider that sat down beside her, 8722But Little Boy Blue with his horn! 8723% 8724Little Miss Muffet, 8725Sat on her tuffet, 8726Smoking some THC. 8727Along came a narc'er who sat down beside her 8728And said, "So... what's in the bag, bitch?!" 8729% 8730Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit 8731her grandmother when a wolf jumped out from behind a tree. 8732 "Aha!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you, and I'm going to eat you." 8733 "Eat, eat, eat," said Little Red Riding Hood angrily, 8734"Damn it, doesn't anybody fuck anymore?" 8735% 8736Long, long ago, in the Old West, a rancher rode into town to buy supplies. 8737When he returned, he found that his whole family had been killed, his wife 8738raped, his house burned, and all his cattle rustled. When he told his 8739distant neighbors about the tragedy, a few of them reported that the only 8740stranger they had seen in the area for weeks was a tall desperado wearing a 8741black hat and a red neckerchief. 8742 The cowboy saddled his fastest horse and set out to find the villain. 8743He searched for months but couldn't catch up with the culprit; in town after 8744dusty town he was told that a man fitting the description had been there but 8745had just departed; usually after some heinous crime. 8746 One evening after a hard day's ride he came into a town, tied his 8747horse, and entered the saloon. At a table in the corner sat an ugly man, 8748with a black hat and a red neckerchief! Slowly the cowboy stalked up to 8749this man, his hands resting upon his guns. 8750 "Are you the man who killed my family, raped my wife, burned my 8751house and rustled my cattle?" 8752 "Probably; after so many, how can I be sure?" snarled the bandit. 8753 "You better cut that shit out!" 8754% 8755Look out for yourself -- or they'll pee on your grave. 8756 -- Louis B. Mayer 8757 8758The reason so many people showed up at Louis B. Mayer's funeral 8759was because they wanted to make sure he was dead. 8760 -- Samuel Goldwyn 8761% 8762Love comes in spurts. 8763 -- Devo, "Please Please" 8764% 8765Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit. 8766% 8767Love is blind but desire doesn't give a good goddam. 8768 -- James Thurber 8769% 8770Love is eating her even when she's not having her period. 8771% 8772Love is just for now ... herpes lasts forever. 8773% 8774Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin -- it's the triumphant 8775twang of a bedspring. 8776 -- S.J. Perelman 8777% 8778Love is two minutes and fifty-two seconds of squishy sounds. 8779 -- Johnny Rotten 8780% 8781Love letters no longer they write us, 8782To their homes they so seldom invite us. 8783 It grieves me to say, 8784 They have learned with dismay, 8785We can't cure their "vulva pruritus". 8786% 8787Luser, n.: 8788 Someone who picks up a female 8789 hitch-hiker walking home from a date. 8790% 8791Ma Bell runs a baudy house. 8792% 8793Macho, adj.: 8794 Jogging home from a vasectomy. 8795% 8796Male, n.: 8797 Life support system for a cock. 8798% 8799Man in stall: 8800 Hey, buddy? Is there any toilet paper out there? 8801Man at sink: 8802 No, I don't see any. Just a second... Nope, none in 8803 any of the other stalls either. 8804A minute passes. 8805Man in stall: 8806 Say, buddy? 8807Man at sink: 8808 Yeah? 8809Man in stall: 8810 You got change for a ten? 8811% 8812Man who dance in crowded ballroom 8813dance cheek to cheek with woman behind him. 8814% 8815Man who keep money in jockstrap has financial matters all balled up. 8816% 8817Man's lust for a bust is hardly recent, 8818Some say not even indecent. 8819But if you lust, 8820It's a must! 8821% 8822Many a bachelor feels the need to insert his masculinity. 8823% 8824Many a man has decided to stay alive not because of the will to live, but 8825because of the determination not to give assorted surviving bastards the 8826satisfaction of his death. 8827 -- Brendan Francis 8828% 8829Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would 8830not have chosen a suit by it. 8831 -- Maurice Chevalier 8832% 8833Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the 8834whole girl. 8835 -- Stephen Leacock 8836% 8837Many a man who thinks he's going on a maiden voyage with 8838a woman finds out later that it was just a shake-down cruise. 8839% 8840Many a sober Christian would rather admit that a wafer is God than that God 8841is a cruel and capricious tyrant. 8842 -- Edward Gibbon 8843% 8844Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. 8845But she can never catch him at it. 8846% 8847Many a woman hasn't realized that she was raped until the check bounced. 8848% 8849Many nice things suck. 8850% 8851Marijuana is like Coors beer. If you could buy the damn stuff 8852at a Georgia filling station, you'd decide you wouldn't want it. 8853 -- Billy Carter 8854% 8855Marlene wanted Joy to relent, 8856She said, "AIDS is so hard to prevent. 8857 If you want to get laid, 8858 Then we'll have to tribade!" 8859(But Joy didn't know what she meant.) 8860% 8861Marriage has driven more than one man to sex. 8862 -- Peter De Vries 8863% 8864Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, 8865you lose interest. 8866 -- Professor Irwin Corey 8867% 8868Mary had a little lamb, 8869It's fleece as white as snow. 8870It followed her to school one day, 8871And got fucked by a big black dog. 8872% 8873Mary had a little lamb, 8874She kept it in a bucket. 8875And every time she let it out, 8876The bulldog used to 8877Chase it around the garden. 8878% 8879Mary had a little lamb, 8880The lamb turned out to be a ram, 8881Now Mary has a little lamb. 8882% 8883Mary had a little sheep, 8884And with the sheep she went to sleep, 8885The sheep turned out to be a ram, 8886And Mary had a little lamb. 8887% 8888Mary had a little watch; 8889She swallowed it one day. 8890And so she took some Ex-Lax 8891To pass the time away. 8892 8893But when she took the Ex-Lax 8894The time it did not pass. 8895So when you want to know the time, 8896Just look up Mary's ... 8897 Uncle, he has a watch, too. 8898% 8899Masturbation! The amazing availability of it! 8900 -- James Joyce 8901% 8902Masturbation, n.: 8903 A self-service elevator. 8904% 8905Masturbation, n.: 8906 Coming unscrewed. 8907% 8908Math is to physics like masturbation is to sex. 8909% 8910Mathematicians do it in groups. 8911% 8912Mathematicians do it in theory. 8913% 8914Mathematicians do it with a small, imaginary part. 8915% 8916Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is 8917described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can play. 8918 -- James Blish, "Beep/The Quincunx of Time" 8919% 8920Mathematicians take it to the limit. 8921% 8922May a deranged midget on a pogo stick 8923take refuge in your sister's hoop skirt. 8924% 8925May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister. 8926% 8927May all the boys you fall in love with fall in love with boys themselves. 8928% 8929May all the girls you fall in love with fall in love with girls themselves. 8930% 8931May Allah blow sand in your Preparation H. 8932% 8933May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow! 8934% 8935Maybe if the guy who developed Twinkies hadn't had such a low 8936opinion of himself they would have been an inch or two longer! 8937% 8938Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city 8939nativity scene removed: 8940 "They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men 8941and a virgin in the whole organization." 8942% 8943McCoy's a seducer galore, 8944And of virgins he has quite a score. 8945 He tells them, "My dear, 8946 You're the Final Frontier, 8947Where man never has gone before." 8948% 8949McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom: 8950 If an item is advertised as "under $50", 8951 you can bet your ass it's not $19.95. 8952% 8953McQuillan was on the stand. The case involved a railroad and several of 8954the passengers who were injured. 8955 "You say," thundered the counsel for the railroad, "that you saw 8956the two trains crash head on while doing sixty miles an hour. What did you 8957think when you saw this happen?" 8958 "I thought," replied the Irishman, "this is one *helluva* way to run 8959a railroad." 8960% 8961Me father makes book on the corner, 8962Me mother makes second hand gin, 8963Me sister makes love for a dollar, 8964And that's how the money rolls in! 8965 8966 Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in! 8967 (Rolls in!) 8968 Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in! 8969 8970Me father sells cheap prophylactics, 8971Me mum pokes the tips with a pin, 8972Me sister performs the abortions, 8973And that's how the money rolls in! 8974 8975Me uncle's a poor missionary, 8976He saves fallen women from sin. 8977He'll save you a blonde for five dollars, 8978And that's how the money rolls in. 8979% 8980Me, I love the rich. *Somebody* has to love them. Sure, a lot 8981of rich people are assholes, but believe me, a lot of poor people 8982are assholes too. And an asshole with money can at least pay 8983for his own drinks. 8984 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" 8985% 8986Meanwhile back at the oasis, the Ay-rabs wuz busy a-eatin' their dates! 8987% 8988Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Granny was a-beating off the Indians, but 8989they jus' kept on a-comin'. Back at the outhouse, things were a-pilin' up. 8990And, as the U.S. Fourth Calvary mounted the hill, Tonto, cleverly disguised 8991as a doorknob, came off in the Lone Ranger's hand. 8992% 8993Meet Elmer, young son of the Thorpes, 8994Afflicted with psychotic warps. 8995 His idea of fun 8996 Is to bugger a nun, 8997And then vomit all over the corpse. 8998% 8999Megaton Man: "LOOK at them! Helpless, tender creatures, relying on 9000 ME, waiting for ME to make my move!" 9001 9002(from below): "Move your ASS, Fat-head!" 9003 9004Megaton Man: "It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!" 9005% 9006Men -- can't live with 'em, can't leave 9007'em by the curb when you're done. 9008% 9009Men have many faults, 9010 Women only two: 9011Everything they say, 9012 And everything they do! 9013% 9014Men will fuck mud. 9015 -- Lenny Bruce 9016% 9017Menage a trois, n.: 9018 Using both hands to masturbate. 9019% 9020Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines 9021also often feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female 9022body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and 9023should not be seen by the light of day. 9024 -- Richard Roeper, "Men and Women Are Different" 9025% 9026Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and it 9027has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin very 9028closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing 9029the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ... 9030 9031 [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important 9032 world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the 9033 next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.] 9034 9035... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your 9036cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of 9037billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even more 9038interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a fact. Your 9039skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the older veteran cells, 9040who have finally worked their way to the top and obtained offices with nice 9041views, are constantly being shoved out the window head first, without so 9042much as a pension plan, by younger hotshot cells moving up from below. 9043 -- Dave Barry 9044% 9045Meteorologist, n.: 9046 A man who can look in a woman's eyes and predict whether. 9047% 9048Mickey Mouse has a long talk one day with a psychiatrist, after which 9049the psychiatrist interviews Minnie Mouse. A few days later Mickey meets 9050with the psychiatrist, and the following conversation ensues: 9051 9052Sigmund: I talked with Minnie after talking with you. 9053Mickey: Oh? 9054Sigmund: I couldn't find anything wrong with her -- she isn't insane. 9055Mickey: Idiot! I didn't say she was insane -- I said she was fuckin' Goofy. 9056% 9057Miguel Cervantes wrote Donkey Hote. Milton wrote Paradise Lost, then his 9058wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. 9059% 9060Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some sheep's 9061testicles for a bet... God, that bloody sheep kicked him! 9062 -- Ripping Yarns 9063% 9064Missed the train at the railway station 9065Oh hell, blast, and damnation! 9066Asked a lady in there if she had the time, 9067She said "Yes", and a strong inclination. 9068% 9069Missionary Position: 9070 The missionary on top. 9071% 9072Mistress Mary, quite contrary, 9073How does your garden grow? 9074With silver bells and cockle shells, 9075And one really fucked-up petunia. 9076% 9077Mistress, n.: 9078 Something between a mister and a mattress. 9079% 9080Mixed emotions: 9081 Watching your mother-in-law back off a cliff... 9082 in your brand new Mercedes. 9083% 9084Montana: 9085 Where men are men and women are sheep. 9086% 9087Moody bitch in search of... 9088 kind, considerate, loving man. Objective, love-hate relationship. 9089% 9090Moody bitch with attitude, seeks nice, 9091good-looking guy to dump on. 9092% 9093Morris left for a two-day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few 9094blocks from his house, when he realized that he had left the airplane 9095tickets on his bureau top. He returned and quietly entered the house. 9096His wife, in her skimpiest negligee, was standing at the sink washing 9097the breakfast dishes. She looked so inviting that he tiptoed up behind 9098her, reached out, and squeezed her breast. 9099 "Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Morris won't be here 9100for breakfast tomorrow." 9101% 9102Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a 9103boot if the instructions were printed on the heel. 9104% 9105Most men would never get laid if it weren't for the pity fuck. 9106% 9107Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity 9108to be otherwise. 9109 -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" 9110% 9111Most women look for a man who is tall, dark and hung some. 9112% 9113Motto of the Electrical Engineer: 9114 Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it 9115stays up as long as you don't fuck with it. 9116% 9117Moustache rides, 50 cents. 9118% 9119Mr. Rection, Mr. Hugh G. Rection, please pick up a white courtesy telephone! 9120% 9121Mrs. Johnson had a very beautiful and intelligent parrot. He had just one 9122problem: He liked to fuck Mr. Hawkins' chickens. Mrs. Johnson scolded him 9123time and time again, but he would just laugh at her. Finally, she told him 9124that if he did it again, she would cut off all of the feathers on the top of 9125his head. Well, he resisted the urge for a week, but one day, he just 9126couldn't resist going next door. Besides, he figured she was bluffing. 9127 Well, Mr. Hawkins came over, ranting and raving about how the parrot 9128had been fucking his chickens again. Mrs. Johnson didn't say a word, just 9129took out her scissors and cut off all of the parrot's head feathers. 9130 That night, Mrs. Johnson had a big party at her house. Before it 9131started, she took the parrot and put him on top of the piano by the front 9132door. "Since you disobeyed me today, you have to stay here on the piano 9133tonight. Now, don't you dare move." 9134 Well, the parrot was pretty pissed off about having his head bare, 9135and he wasn't too happy about having to spend the whole evening on the piano. 9136Still, as he usually did, when the butler would announce the guests as they 9137arrived, he would say hello to them. Just then, two bald-headed men came to 9138the door. 9139 Before the butler could say anything, the parrot yelled, "Okay, you 9140chicken-fuckers, up here on the piano with me!" 9141% 9142Mrs. Kelly is partial to cocks; 9143Mr. Kelly likes rye on the rocks. 9144 When he's under the weather 9145 They can't get together, 9146So others get into her box. 9147% 9148Musing on her present and past professions as "dominant/sadomasochism 9149fantasy fulfiller" and dental hygienist, Sybil said, "I couldn't really 9150understand why I wanted to be a dental hygienist, but years later, after 9151being in the SM world a long time, I figured it out: I'm in uniform, 9152they're not. I'm standing up, they're lying down. I'm doing painful 9153things to them for their own good. This is so ME." 9154 -- The Daily Cal, September 29, 1992 In an article titled: 9155 "Kinky sex remains alive and whipping despite threat 9156 of AIDS, book reveals" 9157% 9158My advice to the women's clubs of America is to raise more hell and fewer 9159dahlias. 9160 -- William Allen White 9161% 9162My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. He goes around 9163with his head stuck up his ass. 9164% 9165"My country, right or wrong," is a thing that no patriot would 9166think of saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, 9167"My mother, drunk or sober." 9168 -- G. K. Chesterton 9169% 9170My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus. They put him 9171in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was 9172Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus. 9173 -- T. Bywater 9174% 9175My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my 9176family, it seems, begins where yours left off. 9177 -- Alexandre Dumas, pere 9178% 9179My girlfriend's favorite erotic position is bending over my credit cards. 9180% 9181My godda bless, never I see sucha people. 9182 -- Signor Piozzi, quoted by Cecilia Thrale 9183% 9184My idea of a wild party is where you throw the girls' panties at the wall 9185and they stick. 9186 -- Johnny Bob 9187% 9188My jaw aches, my pussy is sore. 9189I simply can't fuck any more; 9190 I'm covered with sweat, 9191 And you haven't come yet, 9192And my God, it's a quarter to four! 9193 -- The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint 9194% 9195My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend. 9196 -- Rodney Dangerfield 9197% 9198My mother was a test tube; my father was a knife. 9199 -- Friday 9200% 9201My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. One day my wife 9202came home early from work and found us in bed together. 9203 -- Lenny Bruce 9204% 9205My mothers are wholly ignorant of the almost universal prevalence of secret 9206vice, or self-abuse, among the young. Why hesitate to say firmly and without 9207quibble that personal abuse lies at the root of much of the feebleness, 9208paleness, nervousness, and good-for-nothingness of the entire community? 9209 -- Dr. J.H. Kellogg, "The Ladies Guide", Modern Medicine 9210 Publishing Company, 1895. Dr. Kellogg helped invent 9211 corn flakes and peanut butter. In addition to denouncing 9212 masturbation, he believed that smoking caused cancer and 9213 that certain ailments could be cured by rolling a 9214 cannonball on the stomach. 9215% 9216My reaction to porno films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I 9217want to go home and screw. After the first twenty minutes, I never want 9218to screw again as long as I live. 9219 -- Erica Jong 9220% 9221My sex life hasn't been so good; either fist or famine. 9222% 9223My travel agent's an Oxford chap 9224Who rolls his eyes when he speaks. 9225I asked him about the Isle of Man 9226For a journey of about six weeks. 9227And this is what he said to me 9228As he looked me right in the eye, 9229"For a far-out trip, try an ice cream dip 9230Of Elephant Shit On Rye." 9231 9232A brand-new store just opened its door 9233At the corner of 5th and Vine 9234And I happened to be standing right outside 9235When they turned on their neon sign. 9236I heard a strange sound, I looked around, 9237And that's when I almost died, 9238They nearly knocked me down to be the first in town 9239To get their Elephant Shit On Rye! 9240% 9241"My trip? It was vile. Balaclava 9242I loathed. Etna was crawling with lava. 9243 The ship was all white 9244 But it creaked in the night, 9245And the band, they did not know la java." 9246 -- Edward Gorey 9247% 9248My wife and I only smoke after sex. I've had the same pack since 1967. 9249She's up to three packs a day. 9250 -- Rodney Dangerfield 9251% 9252My wife has breast cancer. She told me to start dating. 9253 -- Howard Stern 9254% 9255Naked children are so perfectly pure and lovely. I confess I do not admire 9256naked boys. They always seem to me to need clothes -- whereas one hardly 9257sees why the lovely forms of girls should ever be covered up. 9258 -- Lewis Carroll 9259% 9260Naked couple in bed, woman says to man: 9261 "When I said I had a foot fetish, I was referring to cocks." 9262% 9263Nancy Reagan wants to divorce old Ron... 9264seems he's making it hard for everyone but her. 9265% 9266National Sex Week -- don't let your meat loaf. 9267% 9268Navel, n.: 9269 A place to stash your gum on the way down. 9270% 9271Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows. 9272Watch who you sleep with. 9273% 9274Necrophilia, n.: 9275 Dead boring. 9276 9277Incest, n.: 9278 Relatively boring. 9279% 9280Necrophilia, n.: 9281 Dropping in for a cold one. 9282% 9283Need to buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep? 9284Try Fredricks of Ithaca, New York. 9285% 9286Negotiate my ass, let's kill something! 9287% 9288Never fly under a seagull - they'll shit on your airplane. 9289 -- Gordon Cooper 9290% 9291"Never send a MAN to do a WOMAN'S work! Why do you think I CAME here?" 9292"Not for the good of my ego, that was for damn sure." 9293% 9294Never try to keep up with the Joneses; they might be newlyweds. 9295% 9296New book out from Gary Hart; "Six Inches from the White House". 9297% 9298New Jersey is not the armpit of the nation; 9299it's the asshole of the universe. 9300 -- Jonathan Michael Smith 9301% 9302New York: 9303 Where men are men, sheep enjoy it, and lepers laugh their heads off. 9304% 9305Newlywed groom: 9306 Honey, I have something to confess to you. I'm a golfer. 9307 You'll never see me on Tuesday nights, Thursday nights, 9308 and weekends. I'm sorry. 9309Newlywed bride: 9310 I have something even worse to confess, dear. I'm a hooker. 9311Groom: 9312 Oh, honey, that's no problem! Just keep your head low and follow 9313 through... 9314% 9315Newsflash: 9316 Apparently the rapture did occur last Tuesday as was originally 9317predicted. All true believers were transported to heaven while the rest 9318of us were left behind to await the Anti-Christ and the end of the world. 9319 Widespread reports that the rapture had not occurred stemmed from 9320expectations that the effect would be more widespread than it turned out 9321to be. The definition of "true believer" was apparently more restrictive 9322than expected, however, and the only qualifiers were a family of five, 9323living in Stenton, North Dakota. 9324% 9325Next, upon a stool, we've a sight to make you drool. 9326Seven virgins and a mule, keep it cool, keep it cool. 9327 -- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2) 9328% 9329Nice computers don't go down. 9330% 9331Nine out of ten men who preferred Camels have switched back to women. 9332% 9333Nine reasons a taco is better than a woman: 9334 1: Tacos don't put frilly covers on the toilet seat 9335 so the lid won't stay up. 9336 2: Tacos don't use your razor on their legs. 9337 3: Tacos don't say "That's okay, it doesn't have to be good for me." 9338 4: Tacos don't get upset if you eat another taco, "Just for fun." 9339 5: Tacos will never contest a divorce, 9340 demand a property settlement or seek custody of anything. 9341 6: Tacos won't ask you about your last lover, 9342 or speculate about your next one. 9343 7: A taco will never make a scene because 9344 there are other tacos in the refrigerator. 9345 8: It's easy to drop a taco. 9346 9: Tacos don't want to sleep on your chest. 9347% 9348Ninety percent of everything is crap. 9349 -- Theodore Sturgeon 9350% 9351No matter how clever the hardware boys 9352are, the software boys piss it away. 9353% 9354No one born with a mouth and a need is "innocent". 9355 -- Greg Bear 9356% 9357No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether 9358she will or will not be a mother. 9359 -- Margaret H. Sanger 9360% 9361Non Illegitemus Carborundum. 9362 [Don't let the bastards wear you down.] 9363% 9364Not everyone has a one-track mind. 9365 -- From a Bisexuality 101 talk 9366% 9367Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends. 9368 -- Woody Allen 9369% 9370Nothing, adj.: 9371 A man with an erection who walks into a wall and breaks his nose. 9372% 9373Nothing is better than Sex. 9374Masturbation is better than nothing. 9375Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex. 9376% 9377Now a Jew, in the dictionary, is one who is descended from the ancient 9378tribes of Judea ... but you and I know what a Jew is -- one who killed 9379Our Lord ... A lot of people say to me "Why did you kill Christ?" What 9380can I say? It was an accident. It was one of those parties that got out 9381of hand, you know... We killed him because he didn't want to become 9382a doctor, that's why we killed him. 9383 -- Lenny Bruce 9384% 9385Now hear this fair lass from Rhode Isle 9386Who said with a wink and a smile, 9387 "Sure, please stick it in, 9388 Be it thick be it thin, 9389But if's rough I won't do as a file." 9390% 9391Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind- 9392bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers 9393have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the non-existence 9394of God. The argument follows: "I refuse to prove that I exist," says God, 9395"for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing." "But," says Man, 9396"the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved 9397by chance, thus proving that you exist, therefore by your own arguments, 9398you don't. QED." "Oh, dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and 9399promptly vanishes in a puff of logic. 9400 -- Douglas Adams 9401% 9402Now what would they do if I just sailed away? 9403Who the hell really compelled me to leave today? 9404Runnin' low on stories of what made it a ball, 9405What would they do if I made no landfall?" 9406 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Landfall" 9407% 9408Nuke the gay, unborn, baby whales for Jesus. 9409% 9410Nurse Jones is a regular on the newsgroup [alt.sex.bondage], and 9411occasionally has problems with folks harassing her. She came up 9412with this in response to one... 9413 9414 Fortunately, my ego isn't as fragile as that woodpecker's wing. 9415 When fratboy called me a dyke I told him that actually I was 9416 bisexual, but that he shouldn't feel threatened because he didn't 9417 meet either of my standards. But if it makes you feel more 9418 comfortable, I said, my husband tied me to the bedposts this 9419 morning and screwed the daylights out of me. 9420 9421 "Just think," said 9422 9423 Nurse Jones, 9424 "... that was four 9425 hours ago and 9426 my sperm count 9427 is probably *still* 9428 higher than yours." 9429% 9430Nybble me... Byte me... Unsigned long int me... 9431% 9432Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman. 9433 -- Joseph Pulitzer 9434% 9435Obscene? Obscene is young men being trained to drop fire on people, but 9436their commanders not allowing them to write "fuck" on their airplanes 9437because it's obscene. 9438% 9439Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers. 9440% 9441Occident, n.: 9442 The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It 9443is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful sub-tribe of the 9444Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which 9445they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the 9446principal industries of the Orient. 9447 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9448% 9449Ocean, n.: 9450 A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for 9451man -- who has no gills. 9452% 9453Oden the bardling averred 9454His muse was the bum of a bird, 9455 And his Lesbian wife 9456 Would finger his fife 9457While Fisherwood waited as third. 9458% 9459Of course, I speak of nothing else but that classic of understated yet wildly 9460exciting eroticism, "The Windflower," by Laura London. Ms. London is the 9461author of such other philosophical block-busters as "Bad Baron's Daughter," 9462"A Heart Too Proud," "Moonlight Mist," and most thigh-warming of all, "Gypsy 9463Heiress". Well, glasses-steaming scenes are to be found on every page, to 9464an extent which overwhelms Your Humble Narrator, and so, in order to save 9465himself extreme embarrassment, he brings you... the blurb: 9466 9467 "Every lady of breeding knows: no one has a good time on a pirate 9468ship. No one, that is, but the pirates. Yet there she was, Merry Wilding 9469-- kidnapped in error, taken from a ship bound from New York to England, 9470spirited away in a barrel and swept aboard the infamous "Black Joke"... 9471There she was, trembling with pleasure in the arms of her achingly handsome, 9472sensationally sensual, golden-haired captor -- Devon." 9473% 9474Of course, most people eventually give up bowling for sex. 9475The balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes. 9476% 9477Of his face she thought not very much, 9478But then, at the very first touch, 9479 Her attitude shifted -- 9480 He was terribly gifted 9481At frigging and fucking and such. 9482% 9483Oh, baby, put two fingers here and one finger there and call me bitch. 9484% 9485Oh give me a home, where the bookmakers roam, 9486Where the beer and the whiskey flows free, 9487Where never is heard, a discouraging word, 9488And the call-girls keep callin' for me! 9489% 9490Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog Rover, 9491That got run over with my mower. 9492One leg is missing, and one other is gone, 9493The fourth one is scattered all over the lawn. 9494It's no use explain'n, the one remaining, 9495It landed by the kitchen door. 9496Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog rover, 9497that ain't gonna walk no more... 9498 -- Tune is something about a four-leaf clover 9499% 9500Oh John, let's not park here. 9501Oh John, let's not park. 9502Oh John, let's not. 9503Oh John, let's. 9504Oh John. 9505Oh. 9506% 9507Oh, pity the Duchess of Kent! 9508Her cunt is so dreadfully bent, 9509 The poor wench doth stammer, 9510 "I need a sledgehammer 9511To pound a man into my vent." 9512% 9513Oh pity the prince, Montezuma 9514He tried to make love to a puma. 9515 Seems the puma, in play, 9516 Tore his testes away - 9517- An example of animal huma. 9518% 9519Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to conceive. 9520 -- Don Herold 9521% 9522OLD FELLA RED CLARET 9523 Produce of Australia -- "The Big 69'er" 9524 9525An unusual "Rough-as-Guts" wine that has the Distinctive Bouquet of old 9526and ill-cared for animals. It is best drunk with the teeth clenched to 9527prevent ingestion of the seeds and skins. Connoisseurs will savour the 9528slight Tannin Taste of burnt shag feathers and soiled medical dressings. 9529Possessors of a cultivated Palate admire the initial assault on the taste 9530buds which comes from the careful and loving blending of circus hosings 9531with perished jock straps. The maturing in Midland Abattoir hogsheads 9532gives it a very Definite Nose. With the bouquet like an aborigine's armpit. 9533In the United States this wine is marketed as Crow Brand (9 out of 10 people 9534who drink it for the first time exclaim "VRAAAARRRRRK"). 9535 9536It won a Bronze at the "Kings Cross Homosexuals Convention" of 1973 9537 9538Warning: Avoid contact with eyes and open cuts. 9539 Keep away from open naked flames -- both old and new. 9540% 9541Old King Cole 9542Was a merry old soul, 9543A merry old soul was he! 9544He called for his pipe, 9545And he called for his bowl, 9546And he fiddled with his call girls three! 9547% 9548Old McDonald had a farm, 9549E-I-E-I-O! 9550And on this farm he had some chicks, 9551E-I-E-I-O! 9552With a chick-chick here, 9553And a chick-chick there, 9554Here a chick, 9555There a chick, 9556Everywhere a chick-chick, 9557Old McDonald lost his farm 9558'Cause he had too many chicks! 9559% 9560Old mercenaries never die. They go to hell and regroup. 9561% 9562Old Mother Hubbard lived in a shoe, 9563She had so many children, 9564She didn't know what to do. 9565So she moved to Atlanta. 9566% 9567Old Mother Hubbard 9568Went to the cupboard 9569To get her poor dog a bone. 9570When she bent over, 9571Her Rover took over 9572And she got a bone of her own. 9573 -- Andrew "Dice" Clay 9574% 9575Olmstead's Law: 9576 After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. 9577% 9578On a cannibal isle near Malaysia 9579Lives a lady they call Anastasia. 9580 Not Russian elite- 9581 She's eager to eat 9582Whatever or whoever lays her. 9583% 9584On a ship wrecked far out at sea, 9585The girl said, "I can't seem to pee." 9586 "Aha!" said the mate, 9587 "That settles the fate 9588Of the captain, the pilot, and me." 9589% 9590On an isolated stretch of beach near Cannes, a beautiful French girl threw 9591herself into the sea and drowned despite a young man's attempt to save her. 9592The man dragged the half-nude body ashore and left it on the sand while he 9593went to notify the authorities. Upon his return, he was horrified to find 9594a man making love to the corpse. 9595 "Monsieur, monsieur," he shouted, "that woman is dead, 9596that woman is dead!" 9597 "Sacre bleu," exclaimed the man, springing up. 9598"I thought she was an American!" 9599% 9600On Brassieres: 9601 Russian: Uplifts the masses. 9602 Salvation Army: Raises the fallen. 9603 American: Makes mountains out of molehills. 9604% 9605On day a Monterey daughter 9606Did scuba down under the water. 9607 She later turned up 9608 The mom of a pup, 9609And they say t'was an otter that gotter. 9610% 9611On one hot dusty day in 1860, a lone Mexican bandit crossed the border into 9612Texas. After robbing a small bank and shooting up the town, he led the posse 9613on a merry chase through the desert. On the sixth day of the chase he was 9614apprehended. 9615 Sheriff-to-interpreter: "Ask him where the money is." 9616 Interpreter-to-bandit: "He wants to know where you hid the money." 9617 Bandit-to-interpreter: "I'll never tell, never!" 9618 Interpreter-to-sheriff: "He says he'll never tell, senor." 9619At this point, the sheriff loses his cool. His town has been shot up, his 9620bank robbed, he's spent a week in the desert tracking this guy, and now he 9621says he'll never tell. So he takes his pistol, jams it under the bandits' 9622chin, and, with the veins standing out on his neck, screams "Tell him to tell 9623me where the money is, or I'm gonna blow his brains all over the desert!" 9624 Interpreter-to-bandit: "He says if you don't tell him where the 9625 money is right now, he will kill you here." 9626 Bandit-to-interpreter: "Do not kill me, senor, the money is hidden 9627 under the big tree at the pass!" 9628 Interpreter-to-sheriff: "He says you ain't got the balls..." 9629% 9630On the breast of a lady named Gail, 9631Was tattooed the price of her tail. 9632 And on her behind, 9633 For the sake of the blind, 9634Was the same information -- in Braille. 9635% 9636On the porch of a dude named Horatio, 9637His girl got a yen for fellatio. 9638 As she sucked on his dingus 9639 He tried cunnilingus 9640But the cops ran 'em off of that patio. 9641% 9642Ona day Ima gonna to Detroit to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to 9643eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two piss's toast. She bringa me 9644only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss ona my plate. She says you 9645better no piss on the plate, you sonna bitch. I don't even know the lady 9646and she call me sonna bitch. Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant. 9647The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tell her I wanna 9648fock. She tells me everone wanna fock. I tell her "you no understand", I 9649wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you 9650sonna bitch. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there isa no shits ona 9651my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tella me to go 9652to the toilet. I say "you no understand", I wanna shit on the bed. He say 9653you better no shit ona bed, you sonna bitch. I go to check out and the man 9654at the desk say "peace to you". I say piss on you too, you sonna bitch. I 9655gonna back to Italy. 9656% 9657Once a woman has given you her heart you 9658can never get rid of the rest of her. 9659 -- Vanbrugh 9660% 9661Once a young gay from Khartoum 9662Took a lesbian up to his room. 9663 They argued all night 9664 Over who had the right 9665To do what, and with which, and to whom. 9666% 9667Once I belonged to a group that really had THE WORD. I fought like hell 9668for them. But another group came along and exposed the word of my group 9669as shallow and degenerate. They had a better word. So I quit the first 9670group and lost all the friends I had made and I joined up with this new 9671group. I fought like hell for them. But another group came around. They 9672exposed the word of my group as false and materialistic. Their word was 9673very much better. So I quit the second group and lost all the friends I 9674had made. And I joined up with this new group. I fought like hell for them. 9675Till this one guy came along and proved that there wasn't any word at all. 9676That I should go off as an individual and grow! So I quit the last group 9677and lost all the friends I had made. And now I sit home alone all day and 9678all I do is grow. It would be nice to join up with some others who feel 9679the way I do. 9680 -- J. Feiffer 9681% 9682Once upon a girl there was a time... 9683% 9684Once upon a time there was a farmer who had borrowed a bull to service his 9685two cows. He put all three animals on a meadow and sent little Johnny to 9686observe and report any success. A short time later, little Johnny came 9687running towards the house shouting: "Daddy, Daddy, the bull just fucked the 9688white cow!" 9689 The father took little Johnny aside and said: "Look, kid, it's 9690alright if you use that kind of language around me, but the reverend is 9691going to be visiting soon. So next time, please use another word; just 9692say that the bull "surprised" the cow." 9693 Johnny agreed and went back to observe any progress. A little 9694while later, while the preacher was talking to the farmer, little Johnny 9695came a-running again, shouting: "Daddy, Daddy!" 9696 The father, trying to avoid embarrassing the preacher, said: "I 9697know, the bull surprised the brown cow." 9698 Little Johnny replied: "He sure did, he fucked the white one again!" 9699% 9700Once upon a time there was a farmer who owned a large number of chickens and 9701made money by selling chickens to a local distributing company. The farmer 9702wanted to increase his business, and so went to market to buy another rooster. 9703"This rooster," assured the vendor, "is my best. He's virile and energetic 9704and will take care of all your chickens!" The farmer, delighted at this, 9705bought the rooster and returned to his farm. He set the rooster loose among 9706his hen houses and, sure enough, the rooster enthusiastically went to work. 9707It wasn't too long, however, before the rooster finished off all the hens and 9708began on the few geese and ducks that were on the farm. "If you keep up this 9709rate," warned the farmer, "you'll screw yourself to death!" The rooster, 9710however, scoffed at the farmer and continued at an increased speed. The next 9711morning, the farmer was doing his chores when he noticed several buzzards in 9712the sky circling over something. He headed out behind the barn, and sure 9713enough there was the rooster, flat on his back, with eyes closed. The farmer 9714shook his fist at the motionless body and cursed, shouting "I knew it! I told 9715you so! I knew you'd screw yourself to death!" The rooster turned his head 9716toward the farmer, opened one eye, and winked. "Shhh!" he said, pointing to 9717the birds above. "I think they're coming down." 9718% 9719Once upon a time there was a little girl named Little Red Riding Hood. One 9720fine morning she decided to visit her Grandmother, so she put a freshly baked 9721cake and a .357 magnum into her basket and set off through the forest. When 9722she got there, what should she find but a big black wolf in the bed, who 9723jumped up, grabbed her and snarled, "I'm going to fuck you until the sun goes 9724down." 9725 So Little Red Riding Hood whipped out the .357 and said, "Oh, no, 9726you're not! You're going to eat me just like the story says!" 9727% 9728Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to 9729fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold, 9730the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south. 9731After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to 9732earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this 9733little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure 9734warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow 9735began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the 9736chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure, 9737he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him. 9738 9739There are three morals to this story: 9740 9741(1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy. 9742(2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend. 9743(3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut. 9744% 9745Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley. He'd do pushups and 9746somersaults and limber up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around 9747on their fat asses not doing a thing. One day, one of them became curious 9748enough to ask Stanley why he exercised all day. Stanley said, 9749 "Look, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when the right 9750time comes, I am going to be that one." 9751A few days later, the all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter, and they 9752knew that it was getting to be their time to go. They were released abruptly 9753and, sure enough, there was Stanley swimming far ahead of all the others. 9754All of a sudden, Stanley stopped, turned around, and began to swim back with 9755all his might. 9756 "Go back! Go back!" he screamed. "It's a blow job!" 9757% 9758Once upon a time there were three coeds -- a big coed, a medium-sized coed, 9759and a little, tiny coed. One night they came home from a dance, and the big 9760coed said, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!" 9761 The medium-sized coed looked in her room and said, "Someone's been 9762sleeping in my bed!" 9763 And the little, tiny coed said, "Well, nighty-night, girls!" 9764% 9765Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of 9766us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of the 9767smaller prime numbers. 9768 97692: The Odd Prime -- 9770 It's the only even prime, therefore is odd. QED. 97713: The True Prime -- 9772 Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you 3 times, it's true." 977331: The Arbitrary Prime -- 9774 Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime 9775 in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91 9776 received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the 9777 next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none 9778 at all. 977941: The Female Prime -- 9780 The polynomial X**2 - X + 41 is 9781 prime for integer values from 1 to 40. 978243: The Male Prime -- they form a prime pair. 9783 9784Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities 9785are derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd 9786but true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers. 9787% 9788Once was a hooker named Gail, 9789Busted and sent-off to jail, 9790 She liked the jailer, 9791 He wanted to nail her, 9792So Gail made bail with her tail. 9793% 9794Once you come out as a Pagan bisexual married leatherdyke, 9795the rest of life is that much easier. 9796% 9797Once you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. 9798% 9799One by one the vice-presidents of a large corporation were called into the 9800boss's office. Then the junior executives were individually summoned. 9801Finally the office boy was brought in. 9802 "I want the truth, Charles," the boss bellowed. "Have you been 9803playing around with my secretary?" 9804 "N-no, sir," the office boy stammered. "I-I'd never do anything 9805like that, sir." 9806 "All right, all right," sighed the boss, "then you fire her." 9807% 9808One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country. He hopped 9809into his sportscar, wandered along the highway for a while and then exited 9810to some very rural dirt roads in the middle of farm country. After awhile, 9811he came across a farmer who clearly working his fields. The funny thing was, 9812the farmer didn't seem to be wearing any pants. The man got out of his car 9813and approached the farmer. 9814 "Hey, buddy," he asked, "how come you're not wearing any clothes?" 9815 Replied the farmer, "Well, boy, th' other day I was out a-workin' 9816in the fields, an' I plum fergot t' wear mah shirt. Got back to th' house 9817that night, and mah neck was stiffer than an oak-wood board. This here's 9818mah wife's idea." 9819% 9820One day a little polar bear cub says to his mother, "Mommy, am I really 9821a polar bear?" 9822 "Why of course you are, honey!" his mother replies. "You live at 9823the North Pole and you swim under the ice to catch fish. You play on the 9824ice floes and you romp through the snow and chase seals. Of *course* you're 9825a polar bear. Why do you ask?" 9826 "Because," says the little cub, "I'm fuckin' freezing!" 9827% 9828One day a mouse was driving along the road in his Mercedes when he heard an 9829anguished roaring noise coming from the side of the road. Stopping the car, 9830he got out and discovered a lion stuck in a deep ditch and roaring for help. 9831Reassuring the lion, the mouse tied a rope around the axle of the Mercedes, 9832threw the other end down to the lion, and pulled the beast out of the ditch. 9833The lion thanked the mouse profusely and they went their separate ways. 9834 Two months later the lion was out for a stroll in the country when 9835he heard a panicked squeaking coming from the side of the road. Investigating 9836the noise, what should he come across but the mouse stuck in the same hole. 9837"Oh, please help me, Mr. Lion," squeaked the terrified mouse. "I saved you 9838with my car once, remember?" 9839 "Course I'll help you, little fellow," roared the lion. "I'll just 9840lower my dick down to you, you hold on to it, and we'll have you out of there 9841in a jiffy." Sure enough, a few minutes later the mouse was high and dry on 9842the roadside, trying to convey his eternal gratitude to the lion. 9843 "Don't give it another thought," said the lion kindly. "It just goes 9844to show that if you've got a big dick, you don't need a Mercedes." 9845% 9846One day Adam, while wandering around the Garden of Eden, noticed that all 9847the animals seemed to come in pairs, male and female. He also noted that 9848they seemed to enjoy being together a lot. So, he went to his special 9849place and reported to God what he'd noticed. 9850 God, understanding his need, said, "Adam, the time has come for me 9851to provide you with a mate. Go lie down and when you have fallen asleep, I 9852will create your mate." 9853 So Adam wandered off, found a nice patch of soft grass and fell 9854asleep. Some time later he awoke, possibly due to a bit of pain in his 9855ribs, possibly because of the gorgeous woman leaning over him. Remembering 9856the animals he'd seen having such fun, he immediately reached for her. 9857Pretty soon Adam's back at his special place. 9858 "God?" 9859 "Yes, Adam, what now?" 9860 "God, what's a headache?" 9861% 9862One day Father O'Malley was walking through the park when he came upon an 9863enchanting scene. A beautiful little girl with long blond hair, deep blue 9864eyes, and a dainty white dress was reading under a tree with her adorable 9865little dog. 9866 What a lovely picture, thought the Father to himself. Walking over, 9867he asked, "Child, what is your name?" 9868 "Blossom," she replied. 9869 "What a fitting name," exclaimed Father O'Malley. "And how did your 9870parents come to choose such a pretty name?" 9871 "Well, one day when I was still in my mommy's tummy she was lying 9872under this very tree when a blossom fell and landed on her stomach. She 9873thought it was a message from God and decided that I would be a girl and my 9874name would be Blossom," explained the little girl sweetly. 9875 How charming, thought the priest. He started to say good-bye and 9876walk away, then turned back. "And the name of your little dog?" he 9877inquired. 9878 "Porky," was the child's reply. 9879 Again he asked her how the unusual name had been chosen. 9880 "Because he likes to fuck pigs." 9881% 9882One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most 9883gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her... I said "Hi," and she 9884said "Hi," and then I said "Nice day, isn't it," and she said "Yeah, I 9885guess"... I said "What do you mean 'you guess'?"... she said "I saw my 9886analyst today and he says I have a problem."... so I asked "What's the 9887problem?"... she replied "I can't tell you, I don't even know you."... 9888I said "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect 9889stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac 9890and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Diane." I said, 9891"Hello, Diane, my name is Bucky Goldstein." 9892 -- Steven Wright 9893% 9894One day, in a bar, a young man walks in with a little dwarf about one foot 9895tall on his shoulder and orders a beer. The bartender serves the man a beer; 9896to his astonishment, the little guy walks down the man's arm, takes a swallow 9897of the brew and spits it in his face. After a few minutes the customer 9898orders another beer and the exact same thing happens. Well, by this time, 9899the bartender is getting pretty upset; he figures that the man should take 9900care of the dwarf. So he asks the guy, "Why are you letting that guy drink 9901all your beer and spit it in my face?" 9902 "Well, sir, when I was on a contract in Saudi Arabia I met this genie 9903and he granted me three wishes. I asked for a million dollars, the most 9904beautiful woman in the world, and a twelve-inch prick. 9905% 9906One day on a busy street corner a huge, burly looking man walked up to a police 9907officer and asks, "Thcuse me offither, can you tell me where thidee-thid, and 9908thacramento ith?" 9909 The police officer didn't reply at all, but just looked away. 9910 The large man then asked again, but still no reply. After a few more 9911attempts which the police officer studiously ignored, the frustrated man 9912walked away. An onlooking pedestrian then walked up to the officer and asked, 9913"Officer, why didn't you tell that man where thirty-third and Sacramento was?" The police officer replied, 9914 "Thure, thure, and dit the thit ticked out of me!" 9915% 9916One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout 9917were flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of 9918nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down. 9919Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four 9920passengers! Andropov grabbed one of the parachutes and declared 9921"Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must 9922be spared," and he jumped out of the plane. Then Reagan exclaimed "As 9923leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for 9924democracy," and with that he too jumped to safety. Now if you are 9925following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that 9926there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The 9927Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and 9928productive life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's 9929hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but 9930there is no need. Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack." 9931% 9932One evening a guru had coitus 9933With an actress, a whore and a poetess. 9934 When asked what position 9935 He used for coition, 9936He answered serenely, "the lotus." 9937% 9938One fall day, two men were out in the woods hunting. Feeling a sudden need 9939to relieve himself, George went over to a nearby clump of bushes, unzipped 9940his fly, and started in when a poisonous snake lunged out of the bushes and 9941bit him on his penis. Hearing George's howl of pain and fright, his friend 9942Fred came running up and told him to lie still while he used the radio to 9943call a doctor. 9944 "There's only one way to save your friend's life," said the doctor 9945gravely. "If you cut a shallow 'X' over the bite and then suck as much of 9946the poison out as you can, he'll probably be okay, but otherwise there's not 9947much hope." 9948 Hearing Fred's footsteps, George rose weakly up on one elbow and 9949cried out, "Fred, what'd he say? What did the doctor say?" 9950 "George, old friend," said Fred sadly, "he said you're gonna die." 9951% 9952One hundred and one uses for canned peaches. 9953One hundred and two if you plan to eat them. 9954% 9955One man's nightmare is another man's wet dream. 9956% 9957One morning after an evening of particularly heavy drinking, a man awoke 9958and upon rolling over in bed saw one of the ugliest women he had ever 9959seen. As he was about to get out of bed, he looked on the floor and saw 9960another woman even less appealing than the first. Seeing his look of 9961wide-eyed amazement, the woman on the floor snapped, "Don't look at me 9962like that, I was only the bridesmaid." 9963% 9964One night a girl had an affair 9965With a fellow all covered with hair. 9966 His enormous red whang 9967 Gave her a wonderful bang -- 9968She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear. 9969% 9970One night a girl had an affair 9971With a fellow all covered with hair. 9972 Then she picked up his hat 9973 And realized that 9974She'd been had by Smokey the Bear. 9975% 9976One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity 9977to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka. 9978 "The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing, 9979put on one of the ties his mother had brought him, and hurried back. "Look, 9980Mama! Isn't it gorgeous?" 9981 "Mama asked, 'What's the matter? You don't like the other one?'" 9982 -- Leo Rosten, "Hooray For Yiddish" 9983% 9984One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives 9985accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable 9986testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to 9987all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they 9988enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, 9989 "What trip?" 9990% 9991One of the first things school children in Texas learn is how to 9992compose a simple declarative sentence without the word "shit" in it. 9993% 9994One of the most expensive things in life 9995is a girl who is free for the evening. 9996% 9997One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God create 9998goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "somebody has to buy retail." 9999 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 10000% 10001One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. 10002He was good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the 10003following Sunday. 10004 "9:30 okay?" 10005 "Fine," George said, "but I may be a few minutes late." 10006The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that, he played 10007left-handed and beat them. They agreed to meet the following Sunday morning. 10008George was eager to come, but again, mentioned that he might be a few minutes 10009late. The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he 10010played right-handed and beat them again. 10011 "You on for next Sunday, George?" one of the foursome asked. 10012 "Sure," George replied, "but I might be a few..." 10013 Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute... You always say you might 10014be late, but you're always right on time, and you always win, left-handed 10015*or* right-handed." 10016 "Well," George replied, rather sheepishly, "that's true, but see, I'm 10017superstitious. If my wife is sleeping on her right, when I wake up, I play 10018right handed. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left handed." 10019 "What if she's lying on her back?" 10020 George said, "That's when I'm late." 10021% 10022One should be cherry of virgins. 10023% 10024One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists. But it has 10025occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist. 10026 -- Jane Wagner, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent 10027 Life in the Universe" 10028% 10029One, two, three, four 10030What are we fighting for? 10031Don't ask me I don't give a damn. 10032Next stop is Vietnam. 10033Five, six, seven, eight 10034Open up the pearly gates. 10035Ain't no time to wonder why 10036Whoopie! We're all going to die. 10037 -- Country Joe and the Fish 10038% 10039One who does not know a burro from a burrow does not know 10040his ass from a hole in the ground! 10041% 10042Ooooooh, nooooooo, not tonite!! 10043% 10044Ooops. Gotta run. My dog wants sex. Later. 10045% 10046Operators mount anything! 10047% 10048Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to 10049look at the other guy's. 10050 -- Hal Hickman 10051% 10052OPTIMIST: 10053 A man who makes a motel reservation before a blind date. 10054% 10055ORAL CONTRACEPTIVE: 10056 The word "No". 10057% 10058Oral sex, n.: 10059 The taste of things to come. 10060% 10061O'Riordan's Theorem: 10062 Brains x Beauty = Constant. 10063 10064Purmal's Corollary: 10065 As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity, 10066availability goes to zero. 10067% 10068Other people don't give you orgasms; you have them, and they help you 10069cash them in. 10070% 10071Ouch mosquito, silent by night, 10072Why pierce my skin, so white? 10073You grow plump, as a leech. 10074Stop! I beseech (in vein). 10075 10076I have no choice. 10077Why waste my voice, 10078When only a slap will do? 10079Ouch, I am bitten! 10080What ho, you are smitten! 10081Yo mosquito, fuck you. 10082 -- Mitchell Peck, "Ouch, Mosquito" 10083% 10084Our readers ask, "Why don't more WASPs go to orgies?" Well, it's really 10085quite simple. They don't want to have to write all those thank-you notes. 10086% 10087Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where 10088the maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to 10089help out in case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second 10090basewoman is a pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, 10091but there's no way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere 10092near her, a male comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal 10093with it. She's been on the team for three seasons now, but the males 10094still don't trust her. They know, deep in their souls, that if she had 10095to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she 10096probably would elect to save the infant's life, without ever 10097considering whether there were men on base. 10098 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" 10099% 10100Our staff proctologist, Dr. Barr, 10101Has invented a new kind of car. 10102 With a tank full of shit 10103 There's no stopping it -- 10104For short trips, two poots take you far. 10105% 10106Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding, 10107In all of the directions it can whiz; 10108As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know, 10109Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is. 10110So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure, 10111How amazingly unlikely is your birth; 10112And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space, 10113'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth! 10114 -- Monty Python, "The Meaning of Life" 10115% 10116Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, 10117 "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and load your camels, 10118and I will lead you to the promised land." 10119 Not too long ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on 10120your asses, light a Camel, this is the promised land." 10121 Now Nixon is stealing your shovels, kicking your asses, raising 10122the price of Camels, and mortgaging the promised land. 10123% 10124Painters do it with even strokes. 10125% 10126Pardon me, sir, but you've obviously 10127mistaken me for someone who gives a shit. 10128% 10129Passion is that funny feeling that drives a man to 10130bite a woman's neck because she has beautiful legs. 10131% 10132Paying alimony is like pumping gas into another man's car. 10133% 10134Pee-wee Recommends: 10135 10136When Pee-wee Herman was arrested that evening in Sarasota, Florida, 10137the bill at the XXX South Trail Cinema featured: 10138 10139 + Nurse Nancy, starring Sandra Scream 10140 + Turn Up the Heat, starring Savannah 10141 + Tiger Shark, starring Raven 10142% 10143Penis envy, n.: 10144 The desire to be pink and wrinkled and about four inches long. 10145% 10146People humiliating a salami! 10147% 10148People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world 10149citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time. 10150 -- Norman Cousins 10151% 10152People who live in glass houses should ball in the basement. 10153% 10154People will swim through shit if you put a few bob in it. 10155 -- Peter Sellers 10156% 10157Perhaps at fourteen every boy should be in love with some ideal woman to put 10158on a pedestal and worship. As he grows up, of course, he will put her on 10159a pedestal the better to view her legs. 10160 -- Barry Norman, in "The Listener" 10161% 10162Perplexed, a shy virgin named Plummer 10163Asked, "what's there to do in the summer?" 10164 She declined and declined 10165 Till approached from behind... 10166When her summer turned out quite a bummer! 10167% 10168Persistence, like perspiration, is 99 percent of the fine art of love. 10169% 10170Philadelphia flying fuck, n.: 10171 Okay, see, he hangs from a chin-up bar with his feet on the arms 10172 of the rocking chair. She crouches in the rocking chair pleasuring 10173 him orally. 10174 10175 [Note: Personally, we've never tried this. If you have, or if 10176 you do, please inform us of the results at Fortune, Box 1597, 10177 Rockville IL. Thank you. Ed.] 10178% 10179Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex. 10180 -- Karl Marx 10181% 10182Physicists do it with charm. 10183% 10184Picking up a man in a bar is like a snowstorm, you never know when 10185he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he'll stay. 10186% 10187Pile driver, n.: 10188 Local drink; two parts vodka, one part prune juice. 10189% 10190Planned Parenthood: 10191 The emission Control Center. 10192% 10193Playing poker with busty Ms. Ware, 10194He announced as he folded with flair, 10195 "I had four of a kind, 10196 But those aces combined, 10197Don't stack up, I'm afraid, with your pair." 10198% 10199Pocket pool, n.: 10200 Well, for guys, it's two-ball in the side pocket. 10201 For women, it's playing the slots. 10202% 10203Polish fly, n.: 10204 You put it in her drink and she begs you to take her bowling. 10205% 10206Politicians do it to everyone. 10207% 10208Pompoir: The most sought-after feminine sexual response of all. 10209 10210'She must... close and constrict the Yoni until it holds the Lingam as with 10211a finger, opening and shutting at her pleasure, and finally acting as the 10212hand of the Gopala-girl who milks the cow. This can be learned only by long 10213practice, and especially by throwing the will into the part affected, even 10214as men endeavor to sharpen their hearing... Her husband will then value her 10215above all other women, nor would he exchange her for the most beautiful 10216queen in the Three Worlds... Among some races the constrictor vaginae muscles 10217are abnormally developed. In Abyssinia for instance, a woman can so exert 10218them as to cause pain to a man, and when sitting on his thighs, she can 10219induce orgasm without moving any other part of her person. Such an artist 10220is called by the Arabs Kabbazah, literally, a holder, and it's not surprising 10221that slave dealers pay large sums for her' Thus Richard Burton. It has 10222nothing to do with 'race' but a lot to do with practice. See exercises. 10223 -- The Joy of Sex 10224% 10225Poor Alice who lived in Corvallis 10226Had heard of, but not seen, the male phallus. 10227 At her first sight of one 10228 She started to run, 10229And last was seen sprinting through Dallas. 10230% 10231Posterity will ne'er survey 10232A nobler grave than this; 10233Here lie the bones of Castlereagh; 10234Stop, traveler, and piss. 10235 -- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh 10236% 10237Postulate #1: Nothing is better than sex. 10238Postulate #2: Masturbation is better than nothing. 10239Conclusion: Masturbation is better than sex. 10240% 10241Pour guerir un acces de fievre 10242Un jeune homme poursuivit un lievre; 10243 Il le prit a son trou, 10244 Et fit faire un ragout 10245Des entrailles et des pattes au genievre. 10246 -- Edward Gorey 10247% 10248Pouring out his troubles to his best friend over a couple of triple martinis, 10249Brad had to confess that things weren't going too well at home. "My wife and 10250I just don't hit it off at night," he was saying to Bart. "I hate to admit 10251it, but I'm afraid I just don't know how to make her happy." 10252 "Hell, boy," said Bart, "there's really nothing to it. Let me 10253give you some advice. At bedtime, switch on a new Sinatra platter, turn 10254all the lights low and spray some perfume around the room. Next, tell 10255your wife to get into her sheerest nightie; then make sure you raise the 10256bottom window." 10257 "Then what do I do?" asked Brad. 10258 "Just whistle." 10259 "Whistle?" 10260 "That's right. I'll be waiting outside the window. When I hear 10261you whistle, I'll come right up and finish the job." 10262% 10263Pregnancy -- the worst sexually transmitted disease of them all. 10264% 10265Pregnancy begins with a single sell. 10266% 10267Premature ejaculation, n.: 10268 A spoilspurt. 10269% 10270Premature ejaculator, n.: 10271 Troubled shooter. 10272% 10273Premenstrual Syndrome: 10274 Just before their periods women behave the way men do all the time. 10275% 10276Prince Absalom lay with his sister 10277And bundled and nibbled and kissed her, 10278 But the kid was so tight, 10279 And it was deep night -- 10280Though he shot at the target, he missed her. 10281% 10282Printers do it without wrinkling the sheets. 10283% 10284Prior to this year's Rock & Roll Hall of Fame ceremony, [Cash] went to 10285the bathroom. "I was standing at the urinal, and Keith Richards walked 10286in... He said, 'Look at this, I'm pissing with Johnny Cash. We need a 10287picture of this.' I said, 'No, Keith, we *don't* need a picture of this.'" 10288 -- Rolling Stone interview with Johnny Cash 10289% 10290Procrastinators do it tomorrow. 10291% 10292Programmers get overlaid. 10293% 10294PROMOTION: 10295 New title, new salary, new office, same old crap. 10296% 10297Prope mare erat tubulator 10298Qui virginem ingrediebatur. 10299 Dessine ingressus 10300 Audivi progressus: 10301Est mihi inquit tubulator. 10302% 10303Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and 10304still come out ahead. 10305% 10306Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. 10307Check three friends. If they're okay, you're it. 10308% 10309Psychiatry is quite similar to prostitution, only less honest. They 10310both promise to make people feel better, but the prostitute doesn't 10311make pretensions that the feelings will last once the client walks 10312out the door. 10313% 10314Pubic hair, n.: 10315 Organic dental floss. 10316% 10317Puff the Jewish dragon lived in Palestine, 10318And frolicked in the Autumn mist, 10319And drank Manishiewitz wine. 10320Little Rabbi Jacob loved that rascal Puff, 10321And brought him soup and Matzah balls, 10322And other kosher stuff. 10323 10324Then one day it happened, Puff was eating pork. 10325Little Rabbi Jacob took that dragon for a walk. 10326Gently he explained that dragons don't eat meat, 10327That come from little piggies who have dirty filthy feet. 10328% 10329Q: Do you know how to tell a Polack at a cockfight? 10330A: He's the only one with a duck. 10331 10332Q: Do you know how to tell an Aggie at a cockfight? 10333A: He's the only one who bets on the duck. 10334 10335Q: And do you know how to tell the Mafia is at the cockfight? 10336A: The duck wins! 10337% 10338Q: Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz? 10339A: No, but I bet it hurts like hell. 10340% 10341Q: Heard about the <ethnic> who couldn't spell? 10342A: He spent the night in a warehouse. 10343% 10344Q: How can a real man tell when his girl friend's having an orgasm. 10345A: Real men don't care. 10346% 10347Q: How can you tell if a woman is ticklish? 10348A: Give her a couple of test tickles. 10349% 10350Q: How can you tell the bride at a WASP wedding? 10351A: She's the one kissing the golden retriever. 10352% 10353Q: How can you tell when a Polish girl's been sucking cock? 10354A: She has a mouthful of feathers. 10355% 10356Q: How can you tell when a WASP is sexually aroused? 10357A: By the stiff upper lip. 10358% 10359Q: How can you tell when your girlfriend has had an orgasm? 10360A: Who cares? 10361% 10362Q: How did Hellen Keller burn the side of her face? 10363A: She answered the iron. 10364 10365Q: How did she burn the other side of her face? 10366A: They called back. 10367% 10368Q: How do you fit 1000 dead babies into a phone booth? 10369A: Cusinart. 10370 10371Q: How do you get them back out? 10372A: Doritos. 10373% 10374Q: How do you get a woman to stop having sex with you? 10375A: Propose. 10376% 10377Q: How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree? 10378A: Paint his balls red and his toenails green. 10379 10380Q: Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree? 10381A: No -- so it must work pretty well! 10382 10383Q: How did Tarzan die? 10384A: Picking cherries!!! 10385% 10386Q: How do you know when it's time to wash the dishes? 10387A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time. 10388% 10389Q: How do you know your elephant had her period? 10390A: There's a nickel on your dresser and your mattress is missing. 10391% 10392Q: How do you make a dead baby float? 10393A: With 2 scoops of dead baby and some rootbeer. 10394% 10395Q: How do you pick up a quarter off of Polk Street? 10396A: Kick it over to Van Ness. 10397% 10398Q: How do you tell if an elephant has been making love in your 10399 backyard? 10400A: If all your trashcan liners are missing ... 10401% 10402Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, 10403 or an airline stewardess? 10404A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." 10405 A schoolteacher says: "We're just going to have to do this over 10406 and over again until we get it right." 10407 An airline stewardess says: "Hold this over your mouth and 10408 nose, and breathe normally." 10409 10410... and bank tellers say "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal." 10411... and saleswomen say "Thank you, come again soon!" 10412... and WASPs say "Do you have that in a bigger size?" 10413... and piano teachers say "Keep those fingers arched! TEMPO! TEMPO!" 10414% 10415Q: How do you tell that your roommate's gay? 10416A: When his cock tastes like shit. 10417% 10418Q: How does a girl know she's sleeping with a Computer Scientist? 10419A: It isn't hard. 10420% 10421Q: How does a mink get babies? 10422A: The same way babies get minks. 10423% 10424Q: How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American? 10425A: Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of 10426 speech, but under the United States constitution they are 10427 guaranteed freedom after speech. 10428 -- being told in Poland, 1987 10429% 10430Q: How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo? 10431A: Three, one to eat it, and two to watch for traffic. 10432% 10433Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? 10434A: Three, but they're really only one. 10435% 10436Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10437A: NONE! AND THAT'S NOT FUNNY!! 10438 10439Q: How many Radcliffe girls does it take to change a light bulb? 10440A: It's "Women"... AND IT'S NOT FUNNY!! 10441% 10442Q: How many gradual (sorry, that's supposed to be "graduate") students 10443 does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10444A: "I'm afraid we don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my 10445 advisor a $30,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he 10446 can tell me how to do the shit work for him so he can take the 10447 credit for answering this incredibly vital question." 10448% 10449Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10450A: Ten. One to do it, and nine to talk about how gratifying it was 10451 without a man. 10452% 10453Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would 10454 Cheetah be? 10455A: A fur coat. 10456% 10457Q: What can you use used tampons for? 10458A: Tea bags for vampires. 10459% 10460Q: What did Jesus tell the Aggies? 10461A: Play dumb until the second coming. 10462% 10463Q: What did the little ghetto-dweller get for Christmas? 10464A: Your bicycle. 10465% 10466Q: What do a walrus and a tupperware container have in common? 10467A: They both like a tight seal. 10468% 10469Q: What do elephants use instead of tampons? 10470A: Sheep. Well, they used to, anyway. There have been so many cases 10471 of Toxic Flock Syndrome recently that their ewes has been discouraged. 10472 10473Q: Why do elephants have trunks? 10474A: Sheep don't have strings. 10475% 10476Q: What do two WASPs say after making love? 10477A: Thank you very much. It'll never happen again. 10478% 10479Q: What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadriplegic Virginian? 10480A: Trustworthy. 10481% 10482Q: What do you call a nun who has had a sex change operation? 10483A: A transistor. 10484% 10485Q: What do you call a truck load of vibrators? 10486A: Toys for twats. 10487% 10488Q: What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through 50 feet 10489 of garden hose? 10490A: Darling. 10491 [Often? Ed.] 10492% 10493Q: What do you call couples that use that rhythm method? 10494A: Parents. 10495% 10496Q: What do you do if an Irishman throws a pin at you? 10497A: Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!! 10498% 10499Q: What do you get when you cross a computer and a JAP? 10500A: A computer that won't go down. 10501% 10502Q: What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a prostitute? 10503A: Your last blowjob. 10504% 10505Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole? 10506A: A thirty foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone! 10507% 10508Q: What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey? 10509A: Well, most of the time you get an onion with big ears, but every 10510 once in a while you get a piece of ass that will bring tears to 10511 your eyes... 10512% 10513Q: What do you have if you have a moth ball in one hand and a 10514 moth ball in the other hand? 10515A: One hell of a big moth! 10516% 10517Q: What do you say to a New Yorker with a job? 10518A: Big Mac, fries and a Coke, please! 10519% 10520Q: What do you say to a Puerto Rican in a three-piece suit? 10521A: Will the defendant please rise? 10522% 10523Q: What does friendship among Soviet nationalities mean? 10524A: It means that the Armenians take the Russians by the hand; the 10525 Russians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukrainians take 10526 the Uzbeks by the hand; and they all go and beat up the Jews. 10527% 10528Q: What goes 10529 Click. "Did I get it?" 10530 Click. "Did I get it?" 10531 Click. "Did I get it?" 10532 Click. "Did I get it?" 10533A: Stevie Wonder doing the Rubik's Cube. 10534% 10535Q: What goes green, red, green, red, pink, pink, pink? 10536A: A frog in a blender. 10537 10538Q: What do you get if you add 2 eggs to it?? 10539A: Frognogg. If you drink it, you croak. 10540% 10541Q: What goes red, white, red, white, pink, pink, pink? 10542A: Baby in a blender. 10543 10544Q: Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first? 10545A: So you can watch the expression on its little face. 10546% 10547Q: What is green and comes in Brownies? 10548A: Boy Scouts. 10549% 10550Q: What is "SMOORPLAY"? 10551A: It's what SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course! 10552% 10553Q: What is the difference between snow-men and snow-women? 10554A: Snowballs! 10555% 10556Q: What's a JAP's (Jewish American Princess) dream house? 10557A: Fourteen rooms in Scarsdale, no kitchen, no bedroom. 10558% 10559Q: What's a WASP's idea of open-mindedness? 10560A: Dating a Canadian. 10561% 10562Q: What's black and white and red all over and can't go through 10563 revolving doors? 10564A: A nun with a javelin through her head. 10565% 10566Q: What's black and white and red all over? 10567A: Half a nun. 10568% 10569Q: What's buried in Grant's tomb? 10570A: A corpse. 10571% 10572Q: What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out? 10573A: Chewing gum. 10574% 10575Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots? 10576A: Bunny farts. 10577% 10578Q: What's meaner than a pit bull with AIDS? 10579A: The guy that gave it to him. 10580% 10581Q: What's more fearsome than a grizzly bear with AIDS? 10582A: The guy he got it from. 10583% 10584Q: What's red and covered with little dents? 10585A: Snow White's cherry. 10586% 10587Q: What's the contour integral around Western Europe? 10588A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe! 10589 10590Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they 10591 are removable! 10592 10593Q: An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his 10594 very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God? 10595A: Yes, up to isomorphism! 10596 10597Q: What is a compact city? 10598A: It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted 10599 policemen! 10600 -- Peter Lax 10601% 10602Q: What's the difference between a cocker spaniel and a doberman 10603 pinscher humping your leg? 10604A: You let the doberman finish. 10605% 10606Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox? 10607A: About four drinks. 10608% 10609Q: What's the difference between a Fairy Tale, and a War Story? 10610A: Nothing, except Fairy Tales start off with "Once upon a time". 10611 War Stories start off with "No shit, this really happened". 10612 10613 [I thought Fairy Tales started off, "Honey, I'm gonna be at the 10614 office a little late, tonight... Ed.] 10615% 10616Q: What's the difference between a JAP and a baby elephant? 10617A: About 10 pounds. 10618 10619Q: How do you make them the same? 10620A: Force feed the elephant. 10621% 10622Q: What's the difference between a man and a toilet? 10623A: A toilet doesn't follow you around for a week after you flush it. 10624% 10625Q: What's the difference between a man and the weekend? 10626A: The weekend never comes too soon. 10627% 10628Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a fast car? 10629A: Not everyone's been in a fast car. 10630% 10631Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky? 10632A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use 10633 the whole bird. 10634% 10635Q: What's the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon 10636 and Ronald Reagan? 10637A: One always told the truth, one always lied, and one can't tell the 10638 difference. 10639% 10640Q: What's the difference between hard and dark? 10641A: It stays dark all night. 10642% 10643Q: What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's? 10644A: In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd 10645 like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers, 10646 "and some cigarettes." 10647% 10648Q: What's the last thing that goes through a grasshopper's mind when 10649 he hits your windshield? 10650A: His ass. 10651 10652Q: What's the second-to-last thing to go through a grasshopper's 10653 mind when he hits your windshield? 10654A: Oh, SHIT!! 10655% 10656Q: What's white and crawls up your leg? 10657A: Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice. 10658% 10659Q: What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? 10660A: Getting fingered by Captain Hook! 10661% 10662Q: Where does Catwoman go for a good time? 10663A: To the batpoles, Robin! 10664% 10665Q: Why are babies born with soft spots on their heads? 10666A: So you can pick 'em up five at a time. 10667% 10668Q: Why are Unix emulators like your right hand? 10669A: They're just pussy substitutes! 10670% 10671Q: Why can't Hellen Keller have children? 10672A: Because she's dead. 10673% 10674Q: Why did Captain Kirk piss on the bridge? 10675A: He wanted to boldly go where no man had gone before! 10676% 10677Q: Why did God invent booze? 10678A: So ugly men could get laid too. 10679% 10680Q: Why did Hellen Keller go all the way on her first date? 10681A: She'd never been taught to say no. 10682% 10683Q: Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon? 10684A: To impress Jodie Foster. 10685% 10686Q: Why did Ted Kennedy report the accident 8 hours after Mary 10687 Jo Kopechne drowned? 10688A: Do you have any idea how hard it is to dress a woman underwater? 10689% 10690Q: Why do dogs lick their private parts? 10691A: Because they can. 10692% 10693Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet? 10694A: To stamp out forest fires. 10695 10696Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet? 10697A: To stamp out flaming ducks. 10698% 10699Q: Why do men die before their wives? 10700A: They want to. 10701% 10702Q: Why do men marry women? 10703A: You can't teach sheep to do housework. 10704% 10705Q: Why do mice have such small balls? 10706A: Very few of them know how to dance! 10707% 10708Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? 10709A: Because a sheep can hear the sound of a zipper from fifty feet away. 10710 -- Iain MacKintosh, Glasgow folksinger 10711% 10712Q: Why do WASPs play golf? 10713A: So they can dress like pimps. 10714% 10715Q: Why do women have vaginas? 10716A: So when they're drunk, you can carry them like a six-pack. 10717% 10718Q: Why do women love Pacman? 10719A: Only place you can get eaten three times for a quarter. 10720% 10721Q: Why does an elephant have 4 feet? 10722A: Because 8 inches isn't enough. 10723% 10724Q: Why don't blind people skydive? 10725A: It scares the dogs! 10726 10727Q: How can a blind skydiver tell when he is near the ground? 10728A: The leash goes slack. 10729% 10730Q: Why is it that Mexico isn't sending anyone to the '84 summer games? 10731A: Anyone in Mexico who can run, swim or jump is already in LA. 10732% 10733Q: Why is Poland just like the United States? 10734A: In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in 10735 Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever 10736 you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland. 10737 -- being told in Poland, 1987 10738% 10739Q: Why is Sister Pat the way she is? 10740A: Because when she was 16, a group of boys tied her up and 10741 gang-rejected her. 10742% 10743Q: Why was Cinderella banished from the Magic Kingdom? 10744A: For sitting on Pinocchio's face and screaming, "Tell the truth! 10745 Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie!" 10746% 10747Q: What's the difference between VMS and PMS? 10748 10749A1: PMS is only a problem for some people. 10750A2: PMS is only a problem for part of the month. 10751A3: The drugstore has remedies for PMS. 10752A4: People with PMS get sympathy. 10753A5: People with PMS don't wish they were UNIX. 10754% 10755Q: How do you play religious roulette? 10756A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck 10757 by lightning first. 10758% 10759Q: How do you tell if an elephant has been making love in your 10760 backyard? 10761A: If all your trashcan liners are missing ... 10762% 10763Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, 10764 or an airline stewardess? 10765A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says: 10766 "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it 10767 right." An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your 10768 mouth and nose, and breath normally." 10769% 10770Q: How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb? 10771A: Two. One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the 10772 screwing began. 10773% 10774Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? 10775A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. 10776% 10777Q: How much money do you give to a 900 foot Jesus? 10778A: As much as he wants. 10779% 10780Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah 10781 be? 10782A: A fur coat. 10783% 10784Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls? 10785A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino. 10786% 10787Q: What do you get when you cross James Dean with Ronald Reagan? 10788A: A rebel without a clue. 10789% 10790Q: What is "SMOORPLAY"? 10791A: It's what SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course! 10792% 10793Q: What is the worst story Helen Keller ever read? 10794A: A cheese grater. 10795% 10796Q: What's Jewish foreplay? 10797A: Two hours of begging. 10798% 10799Q: Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep? 10800A: Fredrick's of Ithaca, New York. 10801% 10802Q: Where does virgin wool come from? 10803A: Ugly sheep. 10804% 10805Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? 10806A: So she can moan with the other! 10807% 10808Q: What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night? 10809A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog. 10810% 10811Q: What's the difference between a hold-up and a stick-up? 10812A: Age. 10813% 10814Q: What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? 10815A: The taste. 10816% 10817Q: What's the difference between "Oooh" and "Aaah"? 10818A: About three inches. 10819% 10820Q: Why did the epileptic cross the road? 10821A: He couldn't help it. 10822 10823Q: What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub? 10824A: Throw in the dirty clothes and some laundry detergent. 10825% 10826Q: Why do dogs lick their balls? 10827A: 'Cause they can! 10828 10829(Real answer: 'Cause they can't curl their little paws into fists...) 10830% 10831Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet? 10832A: So they can jump into trees and rape mice. 10833 10834Q: What is the most fearsome sound in the world to a mouse? 10835A: BOING!! BOING!! BOING!! 10836% 10837QOTD: 10838 "... was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort-of 10839 Sun-God robes, on a pyramid, with a thousand naked women screaming 10840 and throwing little pickles at you? ... Why am I the only one 10841 who has that dream?" 10842% 10843QOTD: 10844 "Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?" 10845% 10846QOTD: 10847 "Do you smell something burning or is it me?" 10848 -- Joan of Arc 10849% 10850QOTD: 10851 "Even the Statue of Liberty shaves her pits." 10852% 10853QOTD: 10854 "He's on the same bus, but he's sure as hell got a different 10855 ticket." 10856% 10857QOTD: 10858 "He's so egotistical he yells his own name when he comes." 10859% 10860QOTD: 10861 "I don't give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut." 10862% 10863QOTD: 10864 "I get girls because of who I am... a rapist." 10865% 10866QOTD: 10867 "I met her [his fiance] over lunch on Thursday. She had a firm 10868 grip. He's a lucky man." 10869% 10870QOTD: 10871 "I never met a man I couldn't drink handsome." 10872% 10873QOTD: 10874 "I own my own body, but I share." 10875% 10876QOTD: 10877 "I say, and without apology, hang the bitch." 10878% 10879QOTD: 10880 "I used to beat off so much in the shower, I'd get a hard on every 10881 time it rained." 10882% 10883QOTD: 10884 "I was a fifty-four-year-old virgin, but I'm all right now." 10885% 10886QOTD: 10887 "I won't say he's unsavory, but for his birthday he bought himself 10888 a pair of velcro gloves." 10889% 10890QOTD: 10891 "I'd crawl a mile over burning desert sand just to kiss the dick of 10892 the guy who screwed her last." 10893% 10894QOTD: 10895 "I'd drag my dick a mile over broken glass just to masturbate in 10896 her shadow!" 10897% 10898QOTD: 10899 It *was* wonderfully polite of me. Usually I call the kind of 10900 cretinous dipshit that pisses me off a ``fucking asshole.'' 10901 -- Richard Sexton 10902% 10903QOTD: 10904 "It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten 10905 who gets tied up." 10906% 10907QOTD: 10908 "Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing!" 10909% 10910QOTD: 10911 "Men come in four sizes -- small, medium, large, and 'You're 10912 going to put that thing *where*?'" 10913% 10914QOTD: 10915 "My penis is better than corn, because corn doesn't squeal when 10916 you stick those little prongs into it." 10917 -- Mark-Jason Dominus 10918% 10919QOTD: 10920 "No, honey, I've never been circumsized; 10921 it's simply wear and tear." 10922% 10923QOTD: 10924 "One day, I'd like to wake up in the morning to find that every 10925 gay and lesbian has lavender skin. On that morning, I will be 10926 -- mauve." 10927% 10928QOTD: 10929 "Sex is like everything else. To get it done right, do it yourself." 10930% 10931QOTD: 10932 "She began coming, making noises like a small animal in pain. 10933 Ouch! Ow! My paw! Ouch!!" 10934% 10935QOTD: 10936 "She was so tough she rolled her own tampons." 10937% 10938QOTD: 10939 "Talk about willing people... over half of them are willing to work 10940 and the others are more than willing to watch them." 10941% 10942QOTD: 10943 "The difference between dark and hard is... it stays dark 10944 all night." 10945% 10946QOTD: 10947 "The marines and I have something in common; we're both looking for 10948 a few good men!" 10949% 10950QOTD: 10951 "The only real difference between men and women is that men are 10952 crabby all month long." 10953% 10954QOTD: 10955 "Well, let's say she's friendly. Last year she was the Herpes 10956 Poster Girl." 10957% 10958QOTD: 10959 "What would the world be like without men? A lot of fat, 10960 happy women." 10961% 10962QOTD: 10963 "When she hauled ass, it took three trips." 10964% 10965QOTD: 10966 "Whhoooooooeeeeeeeeeee, Elmer! Take a look at that purty young lady 10967 over thar! Why, I'd walk a mile barefoot over barbed wire and broken 10968 glass just to drive the truck that takes her panties to the cleaners!" 10969% 10970QOTD: 10971 "Whip me, beat me, come all over me, tell me you love me. 10972 Then get the fuck out." 10973% 10974QOTD: 10975 "You might as well say "yes", the sheets are messy already." 10976% 10977Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in 10978exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must 10979devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate 10980from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to 10981Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are 10982weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be 10983reached for comment, but we chose not to listen. 10984 -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live" 10985% 10986Quickie, n.: 10987 A moment's piece. 10988% 10989Quickie, n.: 10990 No sooner spread than done. 10991% 10992Ralph: Lisa, you have no tits and an awful tight pussy. 10993Lisa: Ralph... get off my back!! 10994% 10995Randel, n.: 10996 A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology 10997for farting at a friend. 10998 -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and 10999 Preposterous Words 11000% 11001Raquel Welch: 36-24-36 11002Bo Derek: 35-24-36 11003Ann-Margaret: 37-25-36 11004Bette Middler: 37-25-36 11005Marilyn Monroe: 37-24-37 11006Jane Russell: 39-27-38 11007Jayne Mansfield: 40-23-37 11008Sophia Loren: 37-25-36 11009% 11010Rating women on the Budweiser scale; the number 11011of Clydesdales it would take to pull you off her. 11012% 11013Reach out and fuck someone. 11014% 11015Readers Ask: 11016 Is it possible to kill a vampire with a gun? 11017 11018Vampires are a source of great irritation to the average homeowner and it is 11019usually to one's advantage to remove these pests as rapidly as possible. If 11020a professional exterminator specializing in the undead is unavailable, it is 11021possible to handle the situation with common household items. However, much 11022of the common folklore of vanquishing the undead needs clarifying. First, 11023driving a sharpened Louisville Slugger through a vampire's heart will NOT kill 11024it. Since it's not quite alive, why would the heart be any different than 11025puncturing it in the, for example, left buttock? Stake driving should be 11026avoided at any cost since its effect will be to terribly annoy the vampire, 11027and the last thing you want on your hands is an irate Lord of Darkness. 11028Handguns are also a definite no-no. Common sense indicates that it requires 11029more to defeat an incarnation of evil than hurling lumps of lead or silver 11030through its body. One time-honored method is to expose the vampire to the 11031sun, sever its head (any power saw should be sufficient), fill its mouth with 11032holy wafers (vanilla wafers over which the Lord's prayer has been read will 11033do in a pinch), immerse the head in an urn filled with holy water, place the 11034urn in consecrated lands and bury the rest of the body underneath a crossroad 11035(i.e. the intersection of Broad & Chestnut). Sure, it's a lot of work. But 11036you'll never have to worry about those damn bats pestering the neighbors again. 11037% 11038Reagan can't act, either. 11039% 11040Real buddy, n.: 11041 Someone who'll go downtown and get two blowjobs, and come back 11042 and give you one. 11043% 11044Real class, adj.: 11045 When you're by yourself, fart, and say "Excuse me." 11046% 11047Real fur: the ultimate sadist symbol. 11048% 11049Reformed, n.: 11050 A synagogue that closes for the Jewish holidays. 11051% 11052Rejection, n.: 11053 When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep. 11054% 11055Religion is fine, Churchianity sucks. 11056% 11057Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over. 11058 -- Frank Zappa 11059% 11060Remember, when preparing a dish for bedtime, 11061champagne is the best tenderizer. 11062% 11063Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only 11064sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's 11065changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't 11066grow out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up 11067liking pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to 11068do with the other. 11069 -- Jules Feiffer 11070% 11071Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in this 11072country. The remainder is thrown out. 11073% 11074Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows. 11075Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes. 11076 11077Democrats eat the fish they catch. 11078Republicans hang them on the wall. 11079 11080Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican 11081girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first. 11082 11083Democrats make up plans and then do something else. 11084Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made. 11085 11086Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms. 11087That is why there are more Democrats. 11088 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules" 11089% 11090Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom 11091any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't. 11092% 11093Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was sadly, shaking his head. 11094 "What's the matter, buddy?", inquired the bartender. 11095 "Well," replied the customer, "while I was in the men's room, I saw 11096someone had scribbled `Wendy gives really fabulous head; absolutely the best 11097blow job in the world!' on the wall." 11098 "Ahh, hell," said the bartender. "Don't give it a second thought, 11099we get jerks in here like anywhere else." 11100 "I know," snarled the headshaker. "One of them scratched out the 11101phone number!" 11102% 11103Revenge is sleeping with your enemy's wife. 11104Sweet revenge is the realization that she's a lousy lay. 11105% 11106Rodeo fuck, n.: 11107 When you lean down and whisper in your lover's ear, "Honey, you're 11108 the worst piece of ass I've ever had!". And then try to stay on 11109 for seven seconds... 11110% 11111Rogue players do it with all sorts of different animals. 11112% 11113Roland was a warrior, from the land of the midnight sun, 11114With a Thompson gun for hire, fighting to be done. 11115The deal was made in Denmark, on a dark and stormy day, 11116So he set out for Biafra, to join the bloody fray. 11117Through sixty-six and seven, they fought the Congo war, 11118With their fingers on their triggers, knee deep in gore. 11119Days and nights they battled, the Bantu to their knees, 11120They killed to earn their living, and to help out the Congolese. 11121 Roland the Thompson gunner... 11122His comrades fought beside him, Van Owen and the rest, 11123But of all the Thompson gunners, Roland was the best. 11124So the C.I.A decided, they wanted Roland dead, 11125That son-of-a-bitch Van Owen, blew off Roland's head. 11126 Roland the headless Thompson gunner... 11127Roland searched the continent, for the man who'd done him in. 11128He found him in Mombasa, in a bar room drinking gin, 11129Roland aimed his Thompson gun, he didn't say a word, 11130But he blew Van Owen's body from there to Johannesburg. 11131The eternal Thompson gunner, still wandering through the night, 11132Now it's ten years later, but he stills keeps up the fight. 11133In Ireland, in Lebanon, in Palestine, in Berkeley, 11134Patty Hearst... heard the burst... of Roland's Thompson gun, and bought it. 11135 -- Warren Zevon, "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner" 11136% 11137Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo 11138% 11139Rosenberg wanted to leave the country. 11140"And what is *your* reason?" asks the official at the Passport Office. 11141"I am told a pogrom is being prepared. Against the Jews and the barbers," 11142 replies Rosenberg. 11143"Why the barbers?" 11144"Everybody asks that question. That's why I want to leave." 11145% 11146Roses on your piano isn't nearly as good as tulips on your organ. 11147% 11148Rugby is a game played by men with peculiarly shaped balls. 11149% 11150Rugby, n.: 11151 A sport requiring leather balls. 11152% 11153Rumour has it that the intrepid New Zealanders have finally discovered 11154two new uses for sheep. Meat and wool. 11155% 11156Runners do it alone. 11157% 11158Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11159 11160(1) The greatest threat to the human spirit is liberalism. 11161 11162 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11163% 11164Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11165 11166(10) Liberalism poisons the soul. 11167 11168 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11169% 11170Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11171 11172(11) Neither the United States, nor anyone else, "imposes" freedom on 11173 the people of other nations. Freedom is not an imposition. 11174 11175 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11176% 11177Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11178 11179(12) Freedom is God-given. 11180 11181 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11182% 11183Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11184 11185(13) To dictatorships, peace means the absence of opposition. 11186 11187 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11188% 11189Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11190 11191(14) To free people, peace means the absence of threat. 11192 11193 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11194% 11195Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11196 11197(15) The Peace Movement in the United States was, whether by accident or 11198 design, pro-communist. 11199 11200 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11201% 11202Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11203 11204(16) The collective knowledge and wisdom of seasoned citizens is the 11205 most valuable, yet untapped, resource our young people have. 11206 11207 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11208% 11209Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11210 11211(17) The greatest football team in the history of civilization was the 11212 Pittsburgh Steelers of 1975 through 1980. 11213 11214 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11215% 11216Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11217 11218(18) There is no such thing as "war atrocities." War is an atrocity. 11219 11220 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11221% 11222Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11223 11224(19) Regardless of the pain in our memories, nostalgia only reminds us 11225 of the good times in our past. 11226 11227 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11228% 11229Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11230 11231(2) The single greatest threat to the free people of the world is posed 11232 by the heinous idea of centralized government control. 11233 11234 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11235% 11236Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11237 11238(20) There is a God. 11239 11240 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11241% 11242Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11243 11244(21) Abortion is wrong. 11245 11246 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11247% 11248Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11249 11250(22) Morality is not defined by individual choice. 11251 11252 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11253% 11254Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11255 11256(23) Evolution cannot explain creation. 11257 11258 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11259% 11260Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11261 11262(24) Feminism was established so that unattractive women could have 11263 easier access to the mainstream of society. 11264 11265 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11266% 11267Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11268 11269(25) Love is the only human emotion which cannot be controlled. You 11270 either do or you don't. You can't fake it. (Except women, and 11271 thank God they can.) 11272 11273 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11274% 11275Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11276 11277(26) The only difference between Mikhail Gorbachev and previous Soviet 11278 leaders is that he is alive. 11279 11280 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11281% 11282Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11283 11284(27) Soviet leaders were actually left-wing dictators. 11285 11286 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11287% 11288Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11289 11290(28) Abraham Lincoln saved this nation. 11291 11292 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11293% 11294Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11295 11296(29) The Los Angeles Raiders will never be the team they were when they 11297 called Oakland home. 11298 11299 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11300% 11301Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11302 11303(3) Peace does not mean the elimination of nuclear weapons. 11304 11305 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11306% 11307Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11308 11309(30) The United States will again go to war. 11310 11311 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11312% 11313Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11314 11315(31) To more and more American intellectuals, a victorious United States 11316 is a sinful United States. 11317 11318 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11319% 11320Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11321 11322(32) The fact that American intellectuals rue a victorious United States 11323 is frightening and ominous. 11324 11325 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11326% 11327Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11328 11329(33) There will always be poor people. 11330 11331 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11332% 11333Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11334 11335(34) The fact that there will always be poor people is not the fault of 11336 the rich. 11337 11338 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11339% 11340Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11341 11342(35) Rather than feel guilty as some do, you should thank God for making 11343 you an American. 11344 11345 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11346% 11347Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11348 11349(4) Peace does not mean the absence of war. 11350 11351 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11352% 11353Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11354 11355(5) War is not obsolete. 11356 11357 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11358% 11359Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11360 11361(6) Ours is a world governed by the aggressive use of force. 11362 11363 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11364% 11365Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11366 11367(7) There is only one way to eliminate nuclear weapons. Use them. 11368 11369 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11370% 11371Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11372 11373(8) Peace cannot be achieved merely by developing an "understanding" 11374 among peoples. 11375 11376 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11377% 11378Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11379 11380(9) Americans opposing America is not always sacred nor courageous ... 11381 it is sometimes dangerous. 11382 11383 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11384% 11385Said a dainty young whore named Ms. Meggs, 11386"The men like to spread my two legs, 11387 Then slip in between, 11388 If you know what I mean, 11389And leave me the white of their eggs." 11390% 11391Said a decadent wench of Bombay: 11392"This has been a most wonderful day. 11393 Three cherry tarts, 11394 At least twenty farts, 11395Two shits, and a bloody fine lay." 11396% 11397Said a girl who upon her divan 11398Was attacked by a virile young man: 11399 "Such excess of passion 11400 Is quite out of fashion" 11401And she fractured his wrist with her fan. 11402 -- Edward Gorey 11403% 11404Said a happy young man of Fort Drum: 11405"What care I for this shortage of gum? 11406 My favorite chew 11407 Is a condom or two, 11408With a goodly amount of fresh come." 11409% 11410Said a horny young girl from Milpitas, 11411"My favorite sport is coitus." 11412 But a fullback from State 11413 Made her period late, 11414And now she has athlete's fetus. 11415% 11416Said a lecherous fellow named Shea, 11417When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay, 11418 "You must seize it, and squeeze it, 11419 And tease it, and please it, 11420For Rome wasn't built in a day." 11421% 11422Said a lesbian lady, "It's sad; 11423Of all the girls that I've had, 11424 None gave me the thrill 11425 Of real rapture until 11426I learned how to be a tribade." 11427% 11428Said a madam named Mamie La Farge 11429To a sailor just off of a barge, 11430 "We have one girl that's dead, 11431 With a hole in her head-- 11432Of course there's a slight extra charge." 11433% 11434Said a modest young miss to de Sade, 11435I'm simply too shy and afraid 11436 To take part in your pranks. 11437 But to show you my thanks, 11438I'd just love to become your first aide. 11439% 11440Said a pornographistic young poet 11441"Although I perhaps do not show it, 11442 My interest in sin 11443 Is wearing quite thin, 11444And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it." 11445% 11446Said a swinging young chick named Lyth 11447Whose virtue was largely a myth, 11448 "Try as hard as I can, 11449 I can't find a man 11450That it's fun to be virtuous with." 11451% 11452Said crew girl Angelica Bauer: 11453"The captain's withdrawn, cold, and sour." 11454 Uhura said, "No, 11455 At night that's not so-- 11456He doesn't withdraw for an hour." 11457% 11458Said Einstein, "I have an equation 11459Which to some may seem Rabelaisian: 11460 Let V be virginity 11461 Approaching infinity; 11462Let P be a constant persuasion; 11463 11464"Let V over P be inverted 11465With the square root of Mu inserted 11466 N times into V ... 11467 The result, Q.E.D., 11468Is a relative!" Einstein asserted. 11469% 11470Said Francesca, "My lack of volition 11471Is leading me straight to perdition; 11472 But I haven't the strength 11473 To go to the length 11474Of making an act of contrition." 11475 -- Edward Gorey 11476% 11477Said President Jobcock one day: 11478"War's better than love, I should say. 11479 Instead of a virgin, 11480 It's murder I'm urgin'-- 11481You get lots more blood that-a-way." 11482% 11483Said sneering Mohammed el-Din: 11484"Only infidel dogs put it in. 11485 Back home in Arabia 11486 We nibble the labia 11487Till the juice dribbles off of our chin." 11488% 11489Said the cunt-lapping Bey of Algiers, 11490In a cunt halfway up to his ears: 11491 "This nautch is delicious, 11492 And without doubt nutritious. 11493She's my best-tasting wife in ten years!" 11494% 11495Said the Duchess of Danzer at tea, 11496"Young man, do you fart when you pee?" 11497 I replied with some wit, 11498 "Do you belch when you shit?" 11499I think that was one up for me. 11500% 11501Said the nun as the bishop withdrew, 11502"This must be our final adieu, 11503 For the vicar is slicker, 11504 And thicker, and quicker, 11505And two inches longer than you." 11506% 11507Saint Peteer was once heard to boast 11508That he'd had all the heavenly host: 11509 The Father and Son, 11510 And then - just for fun - 11511The hole in the Holy Ghost. 11512% 11513Sam Lefkovitz is having an intimate party to celebrate his thirty 11514immensely profitable years in the construction business. 11515 "You know," he laments to his friends, "over the years I have 11516constructed dozens of enormous projects in and around this city, but 11517am I known as Sam the Builder? No. 11518 And over the years I have contributed literally millions of 11519dollars to charitable causes of one sort or another, but am I called 11520Sam the Philanthropist? No sir! 11521 But suck one little cock..." 11522% 11523San Francisco: 11524 A nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to tie my shoelaces 11525 there. 11526% 11527San Francisco is my kind of city, 11528Where the women are strong and the men are pretty. 11529% 11530Save a forest -- eat a beaver! 11531% 11532Save a mouse, eat a pussy! 11533% 11534Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!! 11535% 11536Save the whales. Club a seal instead. 11537% 11538Says an airlining wanton named Vi: 11539"I'm a pantyless stew when I fly. 11540 To a muffer's delight, 11541 I'll take head on a flight, 11542So the guy can have pie in the sky." 11543% 11544"Scott, baby," the sexually aggressive girl murmured as she guided 11545her date's finger to her clitoris, "This bud's for you." 11546% 11547Scratch the average female and you'll find a purring bundle... at the 11548ready to love and honor, bake a torte and still produce quintuplets. 11549 -- Edgar Berman 11550% 11551SDW/M, 35, offers French lessons for ladies. 11552If you desire fluency in the French tongue, 11553this cunning linguist can lick your problem. 11554 11555Fortune -- P.O. Box 478 11556% 11557Seems like there were these two dogs in a vet's waiting room, each eyeing 11558the other suspiciously. One of them turns to the other. 11559 "What are you here for?" he asks. 11560 "Well," replies the other, "I was feeling really bad the other day, 11561and Master's six year old son started bothering me. I tried to ignore it, 11562but I was feeling so rotten that I bit his hand." 11563 "Yeah, I now what you mean. So, what are you here for?" 11564 "Erm ... well ... Master reckons that I'm too vicious, so I'm going 11565to be ... you know ... I'm going to have the *operation*." 11566 "Oh. Well, I'm sorry," sympathized the first dog. 11567 Time passed. The about-to-be-neutered dog coughed politely. 11568 "So," he asked, "What are you in here for?" 11569 "Oh, nothing really," the other replied, embarrassed. 11570 "Go on, I told you, it *can't* be as bad!" 11571 "OK. Well, it's like this. The bitch next door was in heat, and so 11572I was feeling, you know, a bit randy. Then Mistress came into the kitchen 11573wearing a short skirt and no underwear, and she bent over. I just couldn't 11574resist it!" admitted the dog. 11575 "Oh! So you're here for the operation too!" 11576 "No," came the reply, "I'm here to have my nails clipped!" 11577% 11578Seems like these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three 11579were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, with 11580the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost 11581again, decided to appeal to a higher authority. "Oh, God!" he cried. "I 11582know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please show me a sign, 11583so they too will know that I understand Your laws." 11584 It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his 11585plaint, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once 11586and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other 11587three disagreed, pointing out that stormclouds form on hot days. 11588 So he asked again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am 11589right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign." 11590 This time four stormclouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form 11591one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning knocked down a tree ten feet away from 11592the rabbis. The cloud dispersed at once. "I told you I was right!" insisted 11593the loner, but the others insisted that nothing had happened that could not 11594be explained by natural causes. 11595 The insisting rabbi is all ready to ask for a *very big* sign when 11596just as he says "Oh God..." the sky turns pitch black, the earth shakes, and 11597a deep, booming voice intones, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!" 11598 The sky returns to normal. The one rabbi puts his hands on his hips 11599and snarls, "Well?" "Okay, okayyyy," replied another, "so now it's 3 to 2!" 11600% 11601Seems like this guy is hitting up on a woman in a bar. After assiduously 11602pursuing her for several minutes, she leans forward and tells him that he's 11603a nice guy and all that, but, well, that she's a lesbian. Confused, he asks 11604her what that means. 11605 "Well," she replies, "you see that woman at the corner table?" 11606 "Yeah..." 11607 "I'd like to walk over to her, and unbottom her blouse." 11608 "Yeah..." 11609 "And then I'd like to kiss her and suck on her nipples... and 11610then I'd like to take off her skirt... and run my hand over her thighs..." 11611 "Right! Right!" interrupts the guy. "I think I'm a lesbian too!" 11612% 11613Seems there was this traveling salesman who wandered into a brothel and 11614asked the madam for a woman who would give him the absolutely worst blow-job 11615imaginable. Not horny, just homesick. 11616% 11617Seems this guy notices a young nun sitting on the bus; through her heavy veil 11618he just spots a glimmer of her face. Gorgeous! She moves, and her vestments 11619cannot hide the fact she has a truly phenomenal body. The guy gets more and 11620more excited until he finally approaches the nun and tells "Sister, please 11621believe me, I don't normally do this sort of thing, but I think I love you. 11622Could we maybe talk?" 11623 The nun almost runs off the bus. As the young man's stop comes up, 11624the bus driver asks the guy if he was the person bothering the nun. The man 11625starts apologizing, but the bus driver interrupts him. "No, don't apologize, 11626I was checking her out myself. Listen, you see where she got on? She goes 11627there every day, to a little park. Why don't you meet here there?" 11628 Sure enough, the man goes to the park the next day and there's the nun 11629in a secluded grove of trees. He approaches her, and she seems, although shy, 11630much more willing to talk. After an hour of cautious talk, he asks her if 11631she'd be willing to make love with him. She blushes, smiles, blushes again 11632and says "yes". But that she doesn't dare risk getting pregnant, so it would 11633have to be the "back door". 11634 As they start to make love, the young man is overcome with guilt; 11635panting, he says, "Sister, I have to tell you, I'm the guy who was annoying 11636you on the bus yesterday. 11637 Replies the nun, "Well, that's okay. I'm not really a nun. I'm 11638actually the bus driver." 11639% 11640Seems to me that both the Democrats and the Republicans should change their 11641symbols to a contraceptive device; it stands for inflation, inhibits 11642production, protects a bunch of pricks and gives everyone a false sense of 11643security while they're being screwed. 11644% 11645Self-abuse is the most certain road to the grave. 11646 -- Dr. George M. Calhoun (1855) 11647% 11648SEMINARS: 11649 From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion. 11650% 11651Send lawyers, guns, and money, 11652The shit has hit the fan. 11653 -- Warren Zevon 11654% 11655Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote. 11656 -- Grover Cleveland (1905) 11657% 11658Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood handcuffed 11659in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If this is the way Queen 11660Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she doesn't deserve to have 11661any." 11662% 11663Sex and drugs and UNIX. 11664% 11665Sex and mathematics have one thing in common. 11666You can do each while thinking about the other. 11667% 11668Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. 11669 -- Sophia Loren 11670% 11671Sex is a biological function; kissing is a commitment. 11672% 11673Sex is better than grass, if you have the right pusher. 11674% 11675Sex is dirty, but only if you do it right. 11676% 11677Sex is great, 11678Sex is grand, 11679Sex around here, 11680Is mostly by hand. 11681% 11682Sex is just one damp thing after another. 11683% 11684Sex is like a bridge game. 11685If you have a good hand no partner is needed. 11686% 11687Sex is low in calories, and *oooh* that aftertaste! 11688% 11689Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved. 11690% 11691Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. 11692 -- Swami X 11693% 11694Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation ... the other eight 11695are unimportant. 11696 -- Henry Miller 11697% 11698Sex is the poor man's opera. 11699 -- George Bernard Shaw 11700% 11701Sex is what women have and men want. 11702% 11703Sex; it's always best when one partner is at least a little bit desperate. 11704% 11705SEX-CHANGE NUN BECOMES TV WRESTLER!!! 11706 details at 11! 11707% 11708Shamus: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the 11709temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. A shamus is at 11710the bottom of the pecking order of synagogue functionaries, and there's 11711a joke about that: 11712 11713A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the middle of a 11714service, 11715 "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" 11716The cantor, not to be bested, also cries out, 11717 "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" 11718The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, 11719 "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" 11720The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, 11721 "Look who thinks he's nobody!" 11722 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 11723% 11724Share and enjoy, share and enjoy. 11725Journey through life with a plastic boy or girl by your side. 11726Let your pal be your guide. 11727And when it breaks down or starts to annoy, 11728 or grinds when it moves and gives you no joy, 11729 'cause it digs up your hat, 11730 or has sex with your cat, 11731 sprays oil on your wall or rips off your door, 11732 and you get to the point you can't stand any more. 11733Bring it to us, we won't give a shit. 11734We'll tell you: "Go stick your head in a pig". 11735% 11736She Ain't Much to See, but She Looks Good Through the Bottom of a Glass 11737If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, I Wonder Who's I'd Find On You 11738I'm Ashamed to be Here, but Not Ashamed Enough to Leave 11739It's Commode Huggin' Time In The Valley 11740If You Want to Keep the Beer Real Cold, Put It Next to My Ex-wife's Heart 11741If You Get the Feeling That I Don't Love You, Feel Again 11742I'm Ashamed To Be Here, But Not Ashamed Enough To Leave 11743It's the Bottle Against the Bible in the Battle For Daddy's Soul 11744My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Miss Him 11745Don't Cut Any More Wood, Baby, 'Cause I'll Be Comin' Home With A Load 11746I Loved Her Face, But I Left Her Behind For You 11747 -- proposed Country-Western song titles 11748% 11749She asked me if I loved her still. "Yes," I replied. "I've never had 11750you any other way." 11751% 11752She begged and she pleaded for more. 11753I said, "We've already had four, 11754 And I'm sure that you've heard, 11755 Though it's somewhat absurd, 11756That eros spelt backwards is sore." 11757% 11758She called her parakeet Onan, because he spilled his seed. 11759 -- Dorothy Parker 11760% 11761She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic 11762candidates for president. 11763 -- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", on feminist 11764 Elizabeth Gould Davis 11765% 11766She made a thing of soft leather, 11767And topped off the end with a feather. 11768 When she poked it inside her 11769 She took off like a glider, 11770And gave up her lover forever. 11771% 11772She never liked zippers, she said, 11773Until she opened one in bed. 11774% 11775She stood there and peeled off her clothes, 11776And begged for a bang: goodness knows 11777 I am surely impure 11778 And I sizzled to scrure, 11779But the push had gone out of my hose. 11780% 11781She was a farmer's daughter but she couldn't keep her calves together. 11782% 11783She was coming round the mountain doin' ninety, 11784When the chain on her motorcycle broke, 11785 Now she's lying in the grass, 11786 With the muffler up her ass, 11787And her tits a-playin' Dixie on the spokes. 11788% 11789She was only: 11790 a coal digger's daughter, but she'll always be mine. 11791 a statistician's daughter, but she knew all the standard deviations. 11792 a wrestler's daughter, but you should have seen her box. 11793 a moonshiner's daughter, but I loved her still. 11794 a chimney sweep's daughter, but she sure knew how to haul ash. 11795 a fireman's daughter, but her face was a cause for alarm. 11796 a banker's daughter, but she opened her drawers for cash. 11797% 11798She was peeved, and called her beau "Mr." 11799Not because, when she came in, he kr., 11800 But she knew, just before 11801 She opened the door, 11802This same Mr. had kr. sr. 11803% 11804She was wearing a very tight skirt, and when she tried to board the Fifth 11805Avenue bus she found she couldn't lift her leg. She reached back and 11806unzipped her zipper. It didn't seem to do any good, so she reached back 11807and unzipped it again. Suddenly the man behind her lifted her up and put 11808her on the top step. 11809 "How dare you?" she demanded. 11810 "Well, lady," he said, "by the time you unzipped my fly for the 11811second time I thought we'd become good friends." 11812% 11813She wasn't what one could call pretty 11814And other girls offered her pity, 11815 So nobody guessed 11816 That her Wasserman test 11817Involved half the men in the city. 11818% 11819She's fine, upstanding, and wonderful laying down. 11820% 11821She's looking for: He's looking for: Foreplay: 118221957 Someone who'll go Her: Finding a place to put 11823Mr. Nice Guy all the way her gum 11824 Him: Wondering which word would 11825 best describe her breasts 11826 to the guys 11827 118281967 Someone who's got The first ten minutes 11829Mr. Natural rolling papers and of "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" 11830 will go all the way 11831 118321977 Someone who'll go Testing the batteries 11833Mr. Goodbar all the way in leg 11834 warmers and a leather 11835 face mask 11836 118371987 Someone who's never Examination of the genitalia 11838Mr. Clean gone all the way in under the magnifying glass 11839 San Francisco that Grandma used for needle- 11840 point before she passed away 11841 -- Michael Corcoran, "National Lampoon", October 1987 11842% 11843She's the kind of woman you could fall madly in bed with. 11844% 11845Shit happens. 11846% 11847Shopping at this grody little computer store at the Galleria for a 11848totally awwwsome Apple. Fer suuure. I mean Apples are nice you 11849know? But, you know, there is this cute guy who works there and HE 11850says that VAX's are cooler! I mean I don't really know, you know? 11851He says that he has this totally tubular VAX at home and it's stuffed 11852with memory-to-the-max! Right, yeah. And he wants to take me home 11853to show it to me. Oh My God! I'm suuure. Gag me with a Prime! 11854% 11855Short man who dance with tall woman gets bust in mouth. 11856% 11857Shouted Frosty the Snowman "Hooray! 11858I'm agog with excitement today! 11859 And the reason of course, 11860 A reliable source, 11861Said the snow blower's heading this way!" 11862% 11863Showerbath: Natural venue for sexual adventures -- wash together, make love 11864together: only convenient overhead point in most apartments or hotel rooms 11865to attach a partner's hands. Don't pull down the fixture, however -- it 11866isn't weightbearing. See Discipline. 11867 -- The Joy of Sex 11868% 11869Sighed a neat little package named Annie: 11870"I've the tits and the twat and the fanny, 11871 Plus the yen, but the men 11872 Only call now and then-- 11873Can it be I've B.O. in my cranny?" 11874% 11875Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper. 11876% 11877Sixteen'll get you twenty. 11878% 11879Size counts. 11880% 11881Small, adj.: 11882 Is it in yet? 11883% 11884Smoking a woman is like kissing a fish. 11885% 11886Sniff sniff... Hey! Who farted? 11887% 11888Snow White: 11889 "Gee guys, I've always dreamed of getting ten inches... 11890 but not an inch-and-a-half at a time!" 11891% 11892"Snyder's got a stiff ticket," said Kay, 11893"Come on, take it out, and let's play." 11894 He pulled it on out, 11895 But she started to pout, 11896His ticket was only a quarter-inch stout. 11897% 11898So, good night, you moonlit ladies, 11899Rock-a-bye sweet baby James. 11900Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose, 11901Won't you let me go down in my dreams? 11902And rock-a-bye sweet baby James. 11903 -- James Taylor, "Rock-a-bye Sweet Baby James" 11904% 11905So here was this fellow of Strensall 11906Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil, 11907 Anemic, 'tis true, 11908 But an interesting screw, 11909Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile. 11910% 11911So, how's your love life? 11912Still holding your own? 11913% 11914So... if you could choose any nose in the whole wide world, 11915which one would you pick? 11916% 11917So it's ai yi yi yi, 11918Your mother scores more than Wayne Gretzky! 11919So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse, 11920And waltz me around by my willie! 11921 11922 There once was a man from Nantucket! 11923 Whose cock was so long he could suck it! 11924 He said with a grin, 11925 As he wiped off his chin, 11926 If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it! 11927 11928So it's ai yi yi yi, 11929Your sister does squat thrusts on flag poles! 11930So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse, 11931And waltz me around by my willie! 11932 11933 There once was a young man from Boston! 11934 Who drove around town in an Austin! 11935 There was room for his ass, 11936 And a gallon of gas, 11937 So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em! 11938% 11939So it's ai yi yi yi, 11940Your sister swims out to meet troop ships! 11941So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse, 11942And waltz me around by my willie! 11943 11944 There once was a man from Racine! 11945 Who invented a screwing machine! 11946 Both concave and convex, 11947 It could please either sex, 11948 But, oh, what a bastard to clean! 11949 11950So it's ai yi yi yi, 11951Your girlfriend douches with Drano! 11952So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse, 11953And waltz me around by my willie! 11954 11955 One night a girl had an affair! 11956 With a fellow all covered with hair! 11957 His enormous red whang, 11958 Gave her a wonderful bang -- 11959 She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear! 11960% 11961So this elderly couple were sitting in their tiny cold water flat on the 11962lower East Side when the husband said, "Doris, we're in bad shape. Inflation 11963has eaten up our Social Security check. The next one isn't due for a week 11964and we've got no money left for food." 11965 "Could I do anything to help?" she asked. 11966 "Yes," he said. "I hate to see you do this but it's the only way. 11967You're going to have to go out and hustle." 11968 "Me?" she asked. "At the age of sixty-five?" 11969 "It's the only way," he said. 11970Resigned to the situation, she went out into the warm night. She came 11971staggering in early the next morning. 11972 "How did you do?" asked the husband. 11973 "Here," she said, "I've got four dollars and ten cents." 11974 "Four dollars and ten cents," he said. "Who gave you the ten cents?" 11975 "Everybody," she said. 11976% 11977So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse is, our 11978standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the 1950s, when 11979I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was considered just 11980about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever showed was women's 11981breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts would have provided adequate 11982shelter for a family of four, but the overall effect was no more explicit 11983than many publications we think nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's 11984Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue. 11985 -- Dave Barry 11986% 11987So this traveling salesman got an audience with the Pope. 11988 "Hey, father," he said, "have you heard the joke about the two 11989Polacks who --" 11990 "My son," the Pope reminded him, "I'm Polish." 11991The salesman thought for a moment. 11992 "That's okay, Father," he said. "I'll tell it very slowly." 11993% 11994So you fucked up... you trusted us! 11995 -- Animal House 11996% 11997So, your daughter was voted "Most Likely to Conceive", 11998and you're still drinking ordinary scotch? 11999% 12000Social interaction can be fatal. Come to Irvine and live forever. 12001% 12002Sodomy, fellatio, cunnilingus, pederasty, 12003Father, why do these words sound so nasty? 12004 -- Hair 12005% 12006Sodomy is a pain in the ass. 12007% 12008SOFTWARE: 12009 Formal evening attire for female computer analysts. 12010% 12011Some companies idea of playing ball is, you play ball with us, 12012and we'll stick the fucking bat up your ass. 12013% 12014Some Harvard men, stalwart and hairy, 12015Drank up several bottles of sherry; 12016 In the Yard around three 12017 They were shrieking with glee: 12018"Come on out, we are burning a fairy!" 12019 -- Edward Gorey 12020% 12021Some of the greatest love affairs I've known have involved one actor, 12022unassisted. 12023 -- Wilson Mizner 12024% 12025Some of the management around here are the final proof that the Indians 12026fucked the buffalo. 12027% 12028Some people seem to think that "damn" is God's last name. 12029% 12030Some women achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust into them. 12031% 12032Some women are like musical glasses. 12033To keep them in tune they must be wet. 12034 -- Samuel T. Coleridge 12035% 12036Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs. 12037 -- Noel Coward 12038% 12039Something better... 12040 1204113 (sympathetic): Oh, What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God? 1204214 (complementary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to 12043 perch on. 1204415 (scientific): Say, does that thing there influence the tides? 1204516 (obscure): Oh, I'd hate to see the grindstone. 1204617 (inquiry): When you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid? 1204718 (french): Say, the pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you 12048 leave. 1204919 (pornographic): Finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once. 1205020 (religious): The Lord giveth and He just kept on giving, didn't He. 1205121 (disgusting): Say, who mows your nose hair? 1205222 (paranoid): Keep that guy away from my cocaine! 1205323 (aromatic): It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the 12054 coffee ... in Brazil. 1205524 (appreciative): Oooo, how original. Most people just have their teeth 12056 capped. 1205725 (dirty): Your name wouldn't be Dick, would it? 12058 -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne" 12059% 12060Sometimes guys'll say to you, "Have a good one." I say, "I already have 12061a good one. Now I'm looking for a longer one." 12062 -- George Carlin 12063% 12064Sometimes, you just gotta say "What the fuck." 12065 -- Risky Business 12066% 12067Sooner or later, generals will own you. 12068% 12069Sorry 'bout that sweat, honey. That's just holy water. 12070 -- Little Richard 12071% 12072SPINSTER: 12073 Unlusted number. 12074% 12075Stalin was dying, and summoned Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his last 12076words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "The reins of the country are 12077now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you some advice." 12078 "Yes, yes, what is it?" says Khruschev, impatiently. Reaching under 12079his pillow, Stalin produced two envelopes labeled #1 and #2. 12080 "Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely -- don't 12081open them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things aren't going well, 12082open the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, if 12083after that, if things start getting REALLY bad, open the second one." And 12084with a gasp Stalin breathed his last. 12085 Well, within a few years Khruschev started having problems -- 12086unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless. He decided it 12087was time to open the first letter. All it said was: "Blame everything on me!" 12088So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Stalin 12089for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system. 12090 But things continued on the downslide, and, finally, after much 12091deliberation, Khruschev opened the second letter. 12092 All it said was: "Write two letters." 12093% 12094Starkle, starkle, little twink, 12095Who the hell you are I think 12096I'm not as drunk as thinkle peep 12097I'm just a little slort of sheep. 12098Tee martoonis make a guy, 12099Feel so woozy, I don't know why. 12100So mass the pixer and kill my fup 12101I've all day sober to sunday up. 12102% 12103Statisticians do it with 95% confidence. 12104% 12105Statisticians probably do it. 12106% 12107Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me!!! 12108% 12109Stockmayer's Theorem: 12110 If it looks easy, it's tough. 12111 If it looks tough, it's damn well impossible. 12112% 12113STRAPLESS EVENING GOWN: 12114 Bust truster. 12115% 12116Stress, n.: 12117 The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's 12118 desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who 12119 desperately needs it. 12120% 12121Subpoena, n.: 12122 From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male 12123organ or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls." 12124% 12125Success has many fathers, but failure is a bastard. 12126% 12127Success is like a fart -- only your own smells nice. 12128 -- James P. Hogan 12129% 12130Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong. 12131 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf" 12132% 12133Successful cunnilingus, n.: 12134 When you wake up the next morning with a face like a 12135 frosted doughnut. 12136% 12137SUGAR DADDY: 12138 A man who can afford to raise cain. 12139% 12140Support the right of unborn males to bear arms! 12141 -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly, 12142 the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle 12143 Association 12144% 12145Sure, and of course I would vote for a woman for president! 12146Quite naturally, we wouldn't have to pay her so much. 12147% 12148Sure banking is Biblical! 12149 12150How about when Onan received a substantial penalty for early withdrawal? 12151Or when Pharaoh's daughter went into the bulrushes and came out with a 12152little prophet? And it was Moses who led the Children of Israel to the 12153Banks of the Jordan! 12154% 12155Sure eating yoghurt will improve your sex life. People know that if 12156you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything. 12157% 12158Swallow, v.: 12159 The (blew) bird of birth control. 12160% 12161Systems people do it with a small, but clean, interface. 12162% 12163Take a look around you, tell me what you see, 12164A girl who thinks she's ordinary lookin' she has got the key. 12165If you can get close enough to look into her eyes 12166There's something special right behind the bitterness she hides. 12167 And you're fair game, 12168 You never know what she'll decide, you're fair game, 12169 Just relax, enjoy the ride. 12170Find a way to reach her, make yourself a fool, 12171But do it with a little class, disregard the rules. 12172'Cause this one knows the bottom line, couldn't get a date. 12173The ugly duckling striking back, and she'll decide her fate. 12174 (chorus) 12175The ones you never notice are the ones you have to watch. 12176She's pleasant and she's friendly while she's looking at your crotch. 12177Try your hand at conversation, gossip is a lie, 12178And sure enough she'll take you home and make you wanna die. 12179 (chorus) 12180 -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Fair Game" 12181% 12182Taoism: Shit Happens. 12183Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit Happens". 12184Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit. 12185Hinduism: This shit has happened before. 12186Protestantism: Shit happens, but it happens to someone else. 12187Catholicism: Shit happens, but you deserved it. 12188Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US? 12189% 12190Taxes should hurt. I just mailed my own tax return last night and I 12191am prepared to say "ouch!" as loud as anyone. 12192 -- Ronald Reagan 12193% 12194TAXIDERMIST: 12195 A man who mounts animals. 12196% 12197Teaching undergraduates is like herding sheep. And, like the old Basque 12198sheepherder explained, whenever the livestock starts looking good to you, 12199it's time to spend a night in town. 12200% 12201Tear leather: 12202 To become excited, as in the sentence "Robin Hood tore 12203 his leather jerkin' off." 12204% 12205Tearing off a quicky: 12206 Gunning the jump. 12207% 12208Teddy Kennedy: A Blond in Every Pond! 12209% 12210Teen-age prostitution: the problem is mounting! 12211% 12212Television is a whore. Any man who wants her full favors can have them 12213in five minutes with a pistol. 12214 -- Hijacker, quoted in "Esquire" 12215% 12216Tell you what," the haberdasher said to a persistent job applicant. "I've 12217got one suit I can't sell -- that purple, green and yellow number over there. 12218If you can make that sale, you've not only got the job, you've got it for 12219life." 12220 Then the store owner left for lunch. When he returned, he was shocked 12221to see the young man's clothes in tatters and his hands and face bleeding. 12222 "My God, what happened to you?" 12223 "I sold the suit! I sold the suit!" the young man shouted, a smile 12224on his bloodied lips. 12225 "Congratulations," the haberdasher said. "You've got the job. But 12226what happened? Did the customer start a fight?" 12227 "Oh, no," the new salesman replied. "But his Seeing Eye dog was 12228*pissed*." 12229% 12230Tequila my girl, is deceiving: 12231Take two at the very most. 12232Take three and you're under the table, 12233Take four and you're under the host. 12234% 12235Test makers do it: 12236 A: sometimes 12237 B: always 12238 C: never 12239 D: none of the above. 12240% 12241TEXAN: 12242 A wet-back that didn't make Oklahoma. 12243% 12244Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester, 12245She obliges all who accost her. 12246 She welcomes the prick 12247 Of Tom, Harry or Dick, 12248Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor. 12249% 12250Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies. 12251 -- Adolf Hitler 12252% 12253That girl could suck the chrome off a bumper. 12254% 12255That Harvard don down at El Djim -- 12256Oh, wasn't it nasty of him, 12257 With the whole harem randy, 12258 The sheik himself handy, 12259To muss up a young camel's quim. 12260% 12261That naughty old Sappho of Greece 12262Said: "What I prefer to a piece 12263 Is to have my pudenda 12264 Rubbed hard by the enda 12265The little pink nose of my niece." 12266% 12267That reminds me of a friend of mine who went north to work on the Alaskan 12268pipeline. Before he went up there, he was just a skinny little runt. When 12269he got back, he was a husky fucker. 12270% 12271The abbess of a nunnery was instructing a group of novices on the house rules 12272of her particular order. The indoctrination period, which went on for hours, 12273began with "No washing of undies in the founts," and ended with "Lights out at 12274nine. Candles out at ten." 12275% 12276The acrobats - Tom and Louise- 12277Do an act in the nude on their knees. 12278 They crawl down the aisle 12279 While screwing dog-style, 12280As the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees." 12281% 12282The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled 12283at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains. 12284 -- Dave Barry 12285% 12286The attractive and grief-stricken widow had been living in seclusion at the 12287home of her deceased husband's younger brother for several weeks. One evening, 12288when she could no longer control her emotions, she barged into her brother-in- 12289law's study and pleaded, "James, I want you to take off my dress." Shyly, 12290the brother-in-law did as she requested. "Now," she continued, "take off my 12291slip." He again complied. "And now," she said, with a slight blush, "remove 12292my panties and bra." Once more James obeyed her command. 12293 Then, regaining her composure, she stared directly at the young man 12294and boldly announced, "I have only one more request, James. Don't ever let 12295me catch you wearing my things again." 12296% 12297The babe, with a cry brief and dismal, 12298Fell into the water baptismal; 12299 Ere they'd gathered its plight, 12300 It had sunk out of sight, 12301For the depth of the font was abysmal. 12302 -- Edward Gorey 12303% 12304The bedsprings next door jounce and creak: 12305They have kept me awake for a week. 12306 Why do newlyweds 12307 Select squeaky beds 12308To develop their fucking technique? 12309% 12310The best way to cut off a cat's tail is to repossess his Jaguar. 12311% 12312The Bible says that woman was the last thing God made. 12313Evidently He made her on Saturday night. She reveals his fatigue. 12314 -- Dumas 12315% 12316The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that 12317sex for money usually costs a lot less. 12318 -- Brendan Francis 12319% 12320The bishop of Alexandretta 12321Loved a girl and he couldn't forget her. 12322 So he thought he'd enshrine her 12323 As the Holy Vagina 12324In the Church of the Sacred French Letter. 12325% 12326The blacksmith told me before he died, 12327And I have no reason to believe that he lied, 12328That no matter how he tried, 12329His wife was never satisfied! 12330 12331And so he built a bloody great wheel, 12332Harnessed to a cock of steel, 12333Two balls of brass were filled with cream, 12334And the whole damn thing was driven by steam. 12335 12336Round and round went the bloody great wheel, 12337In and out went the cock of steel, 12338Till at last the maiden cried, 12339"Enough! Enough! I am satisfied!" 12340 12341And now we come to the crucial bit -- 12342There was no way of stopping it. 12343And she was split from hole to hole, 12344And the whole fucking thing was covered in shit... 12345% 12346The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening, as 12347they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, 12348 "Before we go any further, Charmaine, tell me -- do you have 12349any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?" 12350 "As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot 12351fetish -- but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches." 12352% 12353The bottom-up approach always gets me buggered. 12354 -- Sidney J. Hurtubise 12355% 12356The boys in the Epperson family all acquired fine educations except for Edward. 12357They made him go to school, but most of the time he just ignored what was said 12358there. Yet there were rare moments when he could display a bit of curiosity. 12359 One day Edward was sitting at home looking at a magazine, and he said 12360to his brilliant older brother, Hud, he said, "Hud, what does fox pass mean?" 12361 Brother Hud gave the question some deep consideration and then said, 12362"You must mean _faux_pas_." 12363 "The way it's spelled," said dumb Ed, "it's fox pass." 12364 Hud took a look at the way it was spelled and then said, "It's a French 12365phrase -- it means a social blunder. Remember last Sunday when the Bishop came 12366for dinner? Mother took him out in the garden and they were looking over the 12367roses when the Bishop got stuck on the thumb by a thorn. It was bleeding quite 12368a bit so Mother brought him in the house. They went into the bathroom together 12369and stayed quite a while, and when they came out we all went to the dinner 12370table. Remember all that, Ed?" 12371 "Yeh." 12372 "Now," Hud continued, "you recall that I was just getting to pass 12373the gravy when Mother said, 'Bishop, does your prick still throb?' The gravy 12374bowl flew out of my hands and hit the table, and the gravy splattered all 12375over everyone. And just at that point you, Brother Edward, you hollered, 12376'Sheee-itt!' You remember that?" 12377 "Yeh." 12378 "Well, when you hollered 'Sheee-itt!' that was a _faux_pas_." 12379% 12380The broad mass of a nation... will more easily 12381fall victim to a big lie than to a small one. 12382 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf" 12383% 12384The bustard's a remarkable fowl 12385With surely no reason to growl 12386 He escapes what would be 12387 Illegitimacy 12388By the grace of a fortunate vowel. 12389% 12390The butcher, the baker, the candlestick make her, why can't I? 12391% 12392The computer is the ultimate polluter. 12393Its shit is indistinguishable from the food it produces. 12394% 12395The country girl who became a city madam 12396has obviously gone from rags to rigids. 12397% 12398The cruelest of creatures' the crab 12399With claws that can pinch you or stab, 12400 And then when you dine 12401 On crab and white wine 12402It gets you as well with the tab. 12403% 12404The difference between a lawyer and a rooster is that 12405the rooster gets up in the morning and clucks defiance. 12406% 12407The difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball 12408is that you can only get three fingers in a bowling ball. 12409% 12410The difference between graffiti and philosophy is the word "fuck". 12411% 12412The difference between her and the Titanic is that only 1100 men 12413went down on the Titanic. 12414% 12415The difference between like and love is the 12416same as the difference between a spit and a swallow. 12417% 12418The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the 12419cactus has the pricks on the outside. 12420% 12421The difference between women and girls 12422is as much as twenty years in some states. 12423% 12424The Dowager Duchess of Spout 12425Collapsed at the height of a rout; 12426 She found strength to say 12427 As they bore her away: 12428"I should never have taken the trout." 12429 -- Edward Gorey 12430% 12431The ecumenical movement has reached a milestone with the agreement on the 12432text of the first Jewish-Catholic prayer -- one that begins "Oy vay, Maria". 12433% 12434The Enterprise crew when off work 12435Will fuck like an Ottoman Turk. 12436 Uhura the Zulu 12437 Is shacked up with Sulu, 12438And Spock shares a crew girl with Kirk. 12439% 12440The Enterprise girls, so one hears, 12441Have chased Spock for several years. 12442 His look of disdain 12443 Has spared them great pain, 12444For his prick is as sharp as his ears. 12445% 12446The fact that Hitler was a political genius unmasks the nature of politics 12447in general as no other can. 12448 -- Wilhelm Reich 12449% 12450The fearless old bishop of Brest 12451Put his faith in the Lord to the test. 12452 He fucked whores in the apse 12453 With chancres and claps, 12454But first they were sprinkled and blessed. 12455% 12456The first child of a Mrs. Keats-Shelley 12457Came to light with its face in its belly; 12458 Her second was born 12459 With a hump and a horn, 12460And her third was as shapeless as jelly. 12461 -- Edward Gorey 12462% 12463The first time we slept together she drove a recreational vehicle into 12464the bedroom. 12465 -- Richard Lewis 12466% 12467The five-alarm fire had been raging out of control for hours, pouring thick, 12468black smoke over the street. At last the blaze was under control and the 12469fire chief began accounting for his men. Two were missing, so he ordered 12470a search. Captain Kelly finally rounded a fire truck parked in an alley 12471and found, to his shock, one fireman with his trousers down leaning over a 12472garbage can and another fireman screwing him in the ass. 12473 "What's the meaning of this!", the captain roared. 12474 "Jones here had passed out from smoke inhalation," the fireman on 12475top panted. 12476 "You're supposed to give mouth to mouth resuscitation for that!" 12477the captain yelled. 12478 "I know. That's what started this," the fireman replied. 12479% 12480The Fortune Travel Agency offers a special... Vacation in Hell! 12481 -- Grace Kelly drives you to the airport. 12482 -- Thurman Munson flies you to a remote tropical island. 12483 -- Ted Kennedy's your chauffeur on the island. 12484 -- You go yachting with Natalie Wood. 12485 -- You have drinks with William Holden. 12486 -- And Roman Polanski stays at home and watches your kids. 12487% 12488The fucking ain't worth the fighting. 12489% 12490The genital area of Ann 12491Will accommodate any size man, 12492 From the wee that cause titters 12493 To the mighty twat-splitters 12494That cause screams peasants hear in Japan. 12495% 12496The girls that go to see a man's etchings 12497may not know art, but they know what they like. 12498% 12499The good doctor had been an inspiration to the jungle natives. He had cured 12500their sick and taught them the religious and moral values of his own England. 12501He was loved and respected by every native in the village, but on this 12502particular afternoon the chief was obviously troubled as he entered the 12503doctor's hut. "You live among my people long time now," said the chief. 12504"You tell us not right for a man and girl to be close together before 12505marriage and we believe what you say. This morning white child born to 12506woman in village. You only white man in jungle. What I tell my people?" 12507 The doctor smiled and led the chief to a window. "My son," he said, 12508"I'll won't attempt to give you a full scientific explanation for the 12509phenomenon known as an albino. But look at the flock of sheep upon that 12510hill. Every one is snow white except one. The white baby born to the 12511woman in your village means nothing more or less than that one black sheep 12512in the white flock. It is simply one of nature's mysterious accidents." 12513 The black chief became embarrassed and looked at his feet. "OK, doc," 12514he said. "You no tell -- I no tell." 12515% 12516The good news is that the horse is dead, but your mother's pregnant. 12517% 12518The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it. 12519 -- Truman Capote 12520% 12521The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of statistics. 12522These are raised to the nth degree, the cube roots are extracted, and the 12523results are arranged into elaborate and impressive displays. What must be 12524kept ever in mind, however, is that in every case, the figures are first 12525put down by a village watchman, and he puts down anything he damn well 12526pleases. 12527 -- Sir Josiah Stamp 12528% 12529The greatest lies of all time: 12530 (1) I love you. 12531 (2) This won't hurt a bit. 12532 (3) The Mercedes is paid for. 12533 (4) The check is in the mail. 12534 (5) I was just going to call you. 12535 (6) I've always worn cowboy boots. 12536 (7) I swear I won't come in your mouth. 12537 (8) Of course I'll respect you in the morning. 12538 (9) We have a really challenging assignment for you. 12539 (10) I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you. 12540% 12541The Grecians were famed for fine art, 12542And buildings and stonework so smart. 12543 They distinguished with poise 12544 The men from the boys, 12545And used crowbars to keep them apart. 12546% 12547The hacker as a mate/lover and the signs of trouble: 12548 12549-- The morning after note reads: 12550 Whiting, Barbara: 12551 I enjoyed last night. We really interfaced. You looked so cute 12552 I wanted to byte your ear. 12553-- He believes Steve Wozniak offered the Apple to Adam. 12554-- The people he tries to emulate are five years his junior. 12555-- The last straw: 12556 Once again, your date has lost all track of time debugging a new 12557 program and shows up an hour late. 12558 12559 You Don't...: 12560 Make nasty asides regarding his 5-1/4 inch floppy. 12561 You Do...: 12562 Remind him that "going down" doesn't necessarily 12563 indicate a malfunction. 12564% 12565The harder they come, the more important it is to have 12566an extra-firm mattress. 12567% 12568The honest female orgasm is three to fifteen rhythmic contractions of the 12569outer third of the vagina at .8 second intervals, which is approximately 12570the beat of "Surfing Safari" by the Beach Boys. Unless these contractions 12571occur, you can regard her groaning, moaning, clawing, kicking, begging for 12572mercy, and shouting filthy religious epithets as bargain-basement histrionics. 12573 -- John Hughes, National Lampoon 12574% 12575The honeymoon is over when a quickie before dinner refers to a short drink. 12576% 12577The hope that springs eternal 12578Springs right up your behind. 12579 -- Ian Drury, "This Is What We Find" 12580% 12581The hungover couple dawdled over a midafternoon breakfast, after a 12582particularly wild all-night party held in their fashionable apartment. 12583 "Dearest, this is rather embarrassing," said the husband, "but 12584was it you I made love to in the library last night?" 12585 His wife looked at him reflectively and then asked, "About what 12586time?" 12587% 12588The husband was disturbed by his wife's indifferent attitude towards him 12589and the marriage counselor suggested he try being more aggressive in his 12590lovemaking. 12591 "Act more like a romantic lover and less like a bored spouse," he 12592was advised. "When you go home, make love to her as soon as you meet -- 12593even if it's right inside the front door." 12594 At the next consultation, the adviser was pleased to hear that the 12595husband had followed his instructions. "And how did she react this time?" 12596the consultant asked. 12597 "Well, to tell you the truth," the husband replied, "she was still 12598sort of indifferent. But one thing I've got to admit: her bridge club went 12599absolutely wild!" 12600% 12601The husband wired home that he had been able to wind up his business trip a 12602day early and would be home on Thursday. When he walked into his apartment, 12603however, he found his wife in bed with another man. Furious, he picked up his 12604bag and stormed out. He met his mother-in-law on the street, told her what 12605had happened and announced that he was filing for divorce in the morning. 12606 "Give my daughter a chance to explain before you take any action," 12607the older woman pleaded. Reluctantly, he agreed. 12608 An hour later his mother-in-law phoned the husband at his club. 12609"I knew my daughter would have an explanation," she said, a note of triumph 12610in her voice. "She didn't receive your telegram!" 12611% 12612The Italian entry in the Eurovision Song Contest, "I Can't Get No 12613Contraception", has been withdrawn after the Pope advised them to 12614pull it out at the last minute. 12615 -- Not the Nine O'Clock News 12616% 12617The king arranged a regal marriage for his daughter -- a bond that would unite 12618two great kingdoms. Yet, because the young couple seemed so formal to each 12619other, he posted a spy outside the royal wedding chamber and demanded a full 12620account of the wedding night's progress. 12621 "It's hard to tell," said the spy the next morning. "When the prince 12622entered the chamber, I heard the princess say, quite formally, 'I offer you my 12623honor.' Then the prince said, with equal courtliness, 'I honor your offer.' 12624And that's the way it went all night long -- honor, offer, honor, offer. 12625% 12626The King named Oedipus Rex 12627Who started this fuss about sex 12628 Put the world to great pains 12629 By the spots and the stains 12630Which he made on his mother's pubex. 12631% 12632The King plugged the Queen's ass with mustard 12633To make her fuck hot, but got flustered, 12634 And cried, "Oh, my dear, 12635 I am coming, I fear, 12636But the mustard will make you come `plus tard'." 12637% 12638The kings of Peru were the Incas, 12639Who were known far and wide as great drincas. 12640 They worshiped the sun 12641 And had lots of fun, 12642But the peasants all thought they were stincas. 12643% 12644The largest gay community in the U.S. (as a percentage of total population) 12645is not in San Francisco, but in Iowa Falls, Minnesota (pop. 763), a small 12646town in which virtually everyone is gay. In 1976, a group of about 100 12647gays fleeing persecution in the South settled in the town, and soon won a 12648majority on the town council. Ordinances prohibiting heterosexual acts 12649soon followed. "After all," said mayor Harry Whalen, "If the Supreme Court 12650has refused to strike down laws prohibiting homosexual acts, then our 12651anti-straight laws are equally valid." Rigorous enforcement of those laws 12652has resulted in a community that is now almost 100% gay. Said one long-time 12653resident: "I've lived here 35 years and didn't want to leave, but I didn't 12654want to give up sex either. Then my neighbor Ed came over one night, and 12655said how about I do it with him, and my wife Millie could do it with his 12656wife. Well, I found it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was gonna be. 12657Fact is, I rather like it." 12658% 12659The lights are on, 12660but you're not home; 12661Your will 12662is not your own; 12663Your heart sweats, 12664Your teeth grind; 12665Another kiss 12666and you'll be mine... 12667 12668You like to think that you're immune to the stuff 12669(Oh Yeah!) 12670It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough; 12671You know you're gonna have to face it, 12672You're addicted to love!" 12673 -- Robert Palmer 12674% 12675The little boy pointed to two dogs in the park and asked his father what 12676they were doing. "They're making puppies, son," replied the father. 12677 That night, the boy wandered into his parents' room while they were 12678making love. Asked what they were doing, the father replied, "Making you 12679a baby brother." 12680 "Gee, Dad," the boy pleaded, "turn her over -- I'd rather have a 12681puppy." 12682% 12683The little old lady rushed into the taxidermist and unwrapped a package 12684containing two recently deceased monkeys. Her instructions to the proprietor 12685were delivered in a welter of tears. 12686 "Favorite pets... (blubber,sob)... caught cold... (moan)... Don't 12687see how I'll live without them... (weep,sob)... want to have them stuffed... 12688(blubber,blubber)!" 12689 "Of course, madam," said the proprietor in an understanding voice, 12690"and would you care to have them mounted?" 12691 "Oh, no," she sobbed, "shaking hands. They were just close friends." 12692% 12693The long-peckered Bey of Algiers 12694Loved to spear chubby lads in their rears. 12695 A demon for semen, 12696 This buffersome he-man 12697Shot the chute till it seeped from their ears. 12698% 12699The man and woman make love, attain climax, fall separate. Then she 12700whispers, "I'll tell you who I was thinking of if you tell me who you 12701were thinking of." Like most sex jokes the origins of the pleasant 12702exchange are obscure. But whatever the source, it seldom fails to evoke 12703a certain awful recognition. 12704 -- Gore Vidal, "New York Review of Books" 12705% 12706The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been 12707putting his bird in the *WRONG* bushes. 12708% 12709The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She 12710is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed. 12711 -- Norton 12712% 12713The Messiah will come. There will be a resurrection of the dead -- all 12714the things that Jews believed in before they got so damn sophisticated. 12715 -- Rabbi Meir Kahane 12716% 12717The mind is its own place, and in itself 12718Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven. 12719What matter where, if I be still the same, 12720And what I should be, all but less than he 12721Whom thunder hath made greater? here at least 12722We shall be free; the almighty hath not built 12723Here for his envy, will not drive us hence; 12724Here we may reign secure, and, in my choice, 12725To reign is worth ambition, though in Hell: 12726Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven. 12727 -- Satan, Milton's "Paradise Lost", I, 254-263 12728% 12729The more crap you put up with, the more crap you're going to get. 12730% 12731The more I learn about women, the more I love my dog. 12732% 12733The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?" 12734% 12735The most pressing issue facing women today is finding a contraceptive 12736jelly that smells like a fresh fruit salad. 12737% 12738The most romantic thing any woman ever said to me in bed was 12739"Are you sure you're not a cop?" 12740 -- Larry Brown 12741% 12742The most unfair thing about STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) is 12743that the guys who bought vasectomies have to wear condoms anyway. 12744% 12745The most unsatisfactory men are those who pride themselves on their 12746virility and regard sex as if it were some form of athletics at which 12747you win cups. It is a woman's spirit and mood which a man has to 12748stimulate in order to make sex interesting. The real lover is the 12749man who can thrill you by just touching your head or smiling into 12750your eyes - or just by staring into space. 12751 -- Marilyn Monroe 12752% 12753The mother of the year should be a sterilized woman with two 12754adopted children. 12755 -- Paul Ehrlich 12756% 12757The moving finger having writ... gestures. 12758% 12759The moyel who treated young Alec 12760Was cross-eyed and hydrocephalic. 12761 Presented the child 12762 His aim was so wild 12763He rendered the poor boy biphallic. 12764% 12765THE MX IS GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY. One important reason we have a Defense 12766Department is that when we give it money, it spends it, which creates 12767jobs, whereas if we left the money in the hands of civilians, we don't 12768know what they'd do with it. Probably put it in open trenches and set 12769it on fire. The MX will create an especially large number of jobs 12770because of the number of warheads it carries. It carries a total of 10 12771warheads. This creates a great deal of employment, because you have 12772your Warhead Makers, your Warhead Lifters, your Persons Who Tap the 12773Warheads Gently with Rubber Mallets to Wedge Them All Snugly Into the 12774Nose Cone, your Persons Who Just Walk Around Playing Soothing Cassettes 12775by Recording Artists such as Perry Como So We Don't Have Any More 12776Episodes Where a Worker Who is Experiencing Some Strain Sticks a 12777Warhead in the Employee Cafeteria Microwave and Sets It On Roast, etc. 12778We are talking about a lot of jobs. 12779 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against 12780 Political Fallout" 12781% 12782The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on 12783their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. 12784 "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at 12785the dinner table." 12786 Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair 12787and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a 12788hint of a smile. 12789 "Yes," replied the girl, "much better." 12790 "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you 12791be so kind as to please pass the pussy?" 12792% 12793The new cinematic emporium 12794Is not just a super-sensorium, 12795 But a highly effectual 12796 Heterosexual 12797Mutual masturbatorium. 12798% 12799The new priest was so nervous about performing his first mass that he could 12800hardly speak. He asked his Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor 12801replied that it might help relax him to add just a bit of vodka to the water 12802pitcher. The next Sunday, after following the Monsignor's advice, the priest 12803returned to the rectory to find a note from that worthy. 12804 12805 1. Next time sip rather than gulp. 12806 2. There are ten commandments, not 12. 12807 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 12808 4. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T". 12809 5. The recommended grace before meals is not, 12810 "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, Yaaaay, God!" 12811 6. Do not refer to our Saviour, Jesus Christ, and his 12812 Apostles as "J.C. and the Boys". 12813 7. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 12814 8. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred 12815 to as, "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook". 12816 9. It is always the Virgin Mary, never The Mary with the Cherry. 12817 10. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a 12818 Taffy-Pulling Contest at St.Peter's, not a Peter-Pulling 12819 Contest at St. Taffy's. 12820% 12821The new rooster caused a great stir in the barnyard. From resplendent comb 12822to defiant spurs, he was the picture of young bantamhood. Almost immediately 12823upon arrival, he was greeted by an elderly rooster who took him behind the 12824barn and whispered in his ear: "Young fellow, I'm long past my prime. All I 12825want now is peace and solitude. So you take over right now as ruler of the 12826roost with my blessings." 12827 The newcomer did just that. He went about his squirely duties as only 12828a young rooster could. After several days, however, the elder rooster again 12829took the young champion behind the barn. "Kid," he said, "the hens are after 12830me for giving up my position so readily. So why don't we have a race, say, 12831ten laps around the farmhouse? The winner becomes undisputed keeper of the 12832henhouse and the hens will stop nagging me." 12833 The young rooster, with only contempt for his elder, agreed. 12834Surprisingly, the older one jumped off to an early lead. His counterpart, 12835weakened by the activities of the previous week, was never quite able to 12836overtake him. As they rounded the barn for the fourth time, the elder rooster 12837maintained a formidable lead. 12838 Suddenly, a shotgun blast rang out. The young rooster fell in the 12839dust, his plumage riddled with buckshot. 12840 "Dammit, Emmy," said the farmer. "That's the last rooster we buy 12841from Ferguson. Four of 'em this month, and every one's been queer." 12842% 12843The nipples of Sarah Sarong 12844When excited are twelve inches long 12845 This embarrassed her lover 12846 Who was pained to discover 12847She expected no less of his dong 12848% 12849The notorious Duchess of Peels 12850Saw a fisherman fishing for eels. 12851 Said she, "Would you mind? -- 12852 Shove one up my behind. 12853I am anxious to know how it feels." 12854% 12855The office brown-noser named Bunky 12856Would claim he was nobody's flunky. 12857 But when the chips were all down, 12858 His proboscis was brown, 12859And there hung many strands which were gunky. 12860% 12861The old archeologist, Throstle, 12862Discovered a marvelous fossil. 12863 He knew from its bend 12864 And the knot on the end, 12865T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle. 12866% 12867The once was a man from Bombay 12868Who modeled his cunts out of clay 12869 So hot was his prick 12870 That he turned them to brick 12871And rubbed all his foreskin away. 12872% 12873The only difference between your current lover and a doorknob is 12874that a doorknob warms up when you hold it. 12875% 12876The only difference between your girlfriend 12877and a barracuda is the nail polish. 12878% 12879The only excuse for God is that he doesn't exist. 12880 -- Stendhal 12881% 12882The only psychologically damaging thing about masturbation is 12883that there's nobody else to blame later for persuading you to do it. 12884% 12885The only thing faster than the speed of light is shit flowing downhill. 12886 -- Mike O'Dell 12887% 12888The only way for writers to meet is to share a quick pee over a common 12889lamp-post. 12890 -- Cyril Connolly, "Journal and Memoir" 12891% 12892The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in 12893bed with a dead girl or a live boy. 12894 -- Edwin Edwards, Louisian governor 12895% 12896The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to 12897her if she is pretty and to someone else if she is plain. 12898 -- Oscar Wilde 12899% 12900The only way you'll ever hear from 12901me is if you're living in the same hell. 12902 -- Roy Harper 12903% 12904The operator's left hand quivered as she gingerly unlatched the 12905catch to the diskette reader. Uncontrollably, she reached down, 12906guiding the sharply pointed diskette into the deep, dark slot. 12907The floppy diskette nearly folded under the repeated thrusts of 12908her hand, until finally she could control it no longer, her right 12909hand instinctively taking an option zero. And then it all came at 12910once, thousands upon thousands of data bits flowing from diskette 12911to disk in a torrent of torrid transfer, as the helpless legs 12912of the 32 strained to remain on the floor. 12913% 12914The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me. 12915% 12916The outraged husband discovered his wife in bed with another man. 12917 "What is the meaning of this?" he demanded. "Who is this fellow?" 12918 "That seems like a fair question," said the wife, rolling over. 12919"What IS your name?" 12920% 12921The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France 12922on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an 12923acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke 12924French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word 12925the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a 12926picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a 12927ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant 12928with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After 12929dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to 12930several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious 12931evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and 12932drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and has never 12933been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business. 12934% 12935The partition of Vavasour Scowles 12936Was a sickener: they came on his bowels 12937 In a firkin; his brain 12938 Was found clogging a drain, 12939And his toes were inside of some towels. 12940 -- Edward Gorey 12941% 12942The penis mightier than the sword. 12943% 12944The perfect woman: 12945 Four feet tall, no teeth and a flat head so you can rest 12946 your drink. 12947 12948 [Pistol-grip ears? Ed.] 12949% 12950The pleasure is momentary, 12951The position ridiculous, 12952The expense damnable. 12953 -- Chesterfield, on sex 12954% 12955The pleasure is transitory, the cost 12956prohibitive, and the position ridiculous. 12957 -- Disraeli, on sex 12958% 12959The plural of spouse is spice. 12960 -- Robert A. Heinlein 12961% 12962The police were investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman 12963who had jumped from a window of his 11th story office. His voluptuous private 12964secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had 12965been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him a month ago. 12966 "After my very first week on the job," she said, "I received a 12967twenty-dollar raise. At the end of the second week he called me into his 12968private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings 12969and said, 'These are for a beautiful, efficient secretary.' At the end of the 12970third week he gave me a gorgeous mink stole. Then, this afternoon, he called me 12971into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet 12972and asked me if I would consider making love to him and what it would cost. 12973I told him I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it 12974for five dollars, although I was charging all the other boys in the office ten 12975dollars. That's when he jumped out the window." 12976% 12977The poor little doe 12978Crawled out of the woods, 12979Tired, bedraggled and blue. 12980"Look," she said, "What I did for a buck, 12981I should have asked for two!" 12982% 12983The Pope is working on a crossword puzzle one Sunday afternoon. He stops 12984for a moment, scratches his forehead, then asks a Cardinal, "Can you think 12985of a four-letter word for `woman' that ends in `u-n-t'?" 12986 "Aunt," replies the Cardinal. 12987 "Say, thanks," says the Pope. "You got an eraser?" 12988% 12989The prick of the engineer, Scott, 12990Fell off from Saturnian rot. 12991 He went to the basement 12992 And made a replacement 12993Of tungsten and plastic and snot. 12994% 12995The priest at Sunday mass noticed that Michael took a ten-dollar bill and two 12996one-dollar bills from the collection plate, instead of putting something in. 12997He thought to himself, I'd better watch out for Michael. The next week he 12998noticed the same thing. So he waited outside church when mass was over, and 12999as Michael came out, he accosted his and said, 13000 "Michael, tell me -- why did you take out a ten-dollar bill and two 13001singles two weeks in a row, instead of putting money into the collection?" 13002 Michael replied, "Father, I'm embarrassed, but I did it because I 13003wanted to go downtown for a blow job." 13004 The priest looked surprised but said to Michael, "Listen, don't do 13005that anymore. I'll be watching you from now on." 13006 When he got back to the rectory, the priest was still perplexed. 13007Finally he decided to call Mother Agatha at the convent. He said, "Mother, 13008you've been such a great friend of mine, I have a question I need to ask you. 13009What is a blow job?" 13010 Mother Agatha replied, "Oh, twelve dollars, same as downtown." 13011% 13012The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a 13013chance to prove it. 13014% 13015The problems with "Medflies" may have hurt Jerry Brown's chances to become a 13016Senator. After all, if they won't allow California fruit out of the state, 13017how is Brown going to get to Washington? 13018% 13019The public is an old woman. Let her maunder and mumble. 13020 -- Thomas Carlyle 13021% 13022The quality of a blow-job is determined by the 13023length of sheet you have to pull out of your ass. 13024% 13025The randy old Bey of Algiers 13026Who'd confined his cock-poking to queers, 13027 Tried a cunt for a change, 13028 And remarked: "It felt strange ... 13029Just think what I've missed all these years!" 13030% 13031The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have to walk around 13032in front every time you want to kiss her. 13033% 13034The real trouble with women is that they have *all* the pussy. 13035% 13036The reason big companies have lots and lots of meetings is because 13037they can't masturbate. 13038% 13039The reason Roman Catholics are allowed to use the 13040rhythm method of birth control is that it doesn't work. 13041% 13042The reason that sex is so popular is that it's centrally located. 13043% 13044The reason we need the MX missile system is that the missiles we 13045currently have in the ground are the Minuteman model, which is very 13046old. The Defense Department can't even remember where half of them 13047are. Insects have built nests in them. People have built houses 13048directly over the silos. What this means, of course, is that if we 13049ever needed them to help obliterate all human life on the planet, they 13050could be a real embarrassment. I mean, maybe YOU'RE comfortable with 13051the prospect of missiles that are supposed to represent you barging 13052over the North Pole trailing shreds of polyester carpeting from some 13053recreation room in South Dakota, but your strategic defense planners 13054are not. 13055 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against 13056 Political Fallout" 13057% 13058The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher 13059Called a girl a most elegant creature. 13060 So she laid on her back 13061 And, exposing her crack, 13062Said, "Fuck that, you old Sunday School Teacher!" 13063% 13064The REVERSE function works on the opposite SEXPR. 13065% 13066The rich man uses Vaseline, 13067 The poor man uses lard; 13068The worker uses axle grease 13069 But gets it twice as hard. 13070% 13071The romantic young man sat on the park bench with a first date. He was 13072certain his charming words and manner would win her as they had many others. 13073 "Some moon out tonight,"he cooed. 13074 "There certainly is," she agreed. 13075 "Some really bright stars in the sky." 13076 She nodded. 13077 "Some dew on the grass." 13078 "Some do," she said indignantly, "but I'm not that sort." 13079% 13080The San Francisco police are nothing if not sensitive to the mood of the 13081community. The word is that Dirty Harry has been replaced by Bitchy Gerald. 13082% 13083The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a 13084dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said, "It's my dick 13085and I can wash it as fast as I want!" 13086% 13087The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this earth. 13088 -- Diana Rigg 13089% 13090The sex life of spiders is very interesting. 13091He fucks her. 13092She bites his head off. 13093 -- From a Women's Lib Poster 13094% 13095The sex was nice, but confusing. The whole situation kept going di-polar 13096on Sta-Hi. One instant Misty would seem like a lovely warm girl who'd 13097survived a terrible injury, like a lost puppy to be stroked, a lonely 13098woman to be husbanded. But then he'd start thinking of the wires behind 13099her eyes, and he'd be screwing a machine, an inanimate object, a public 13100toilet. Just like with any other woman for him, really. 13101 -- Rudy Rucker, "Software" 13102% 13103The Shah of the Empire of Persia 13104Lay for days in a sexual merger. 13105 When the nautch asked the Shah, 13106 "Won't you ever withdraw?" 13107He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia." 13108% 13109The shy young man had been married for three months when he reported to his 13110doctor that his marriage was still in name only. The doctor, after hearing 13111the sad tale, told him that waiting until bedtime to make advances was causing 13112psychological pressure and advised him to take advantage of the next time he 13113felt in the mood. A week later, the doctor happened to meet the man again, 13114and noticed a new spring in his step. "My advice worked, I take it?" he 13115inquired. 13116 The young man grinned. "Perfectly. The other night, we were having 13117supper, and as I reached for the salt -- so did she! Our hands touched... It 13118was as if an electric current ran through us. I leaped to my feet, swept the 13119dishes from the table and then and there consummated our marriage! There's 13120just one problem, however. We can't go back to The Four Seasons again..." 13121% 13122The sight of his guests filled Lord Cray 13123At breakfast with horrid dismay, 13124 So he launched off the spoons 13125 The pits from his prunes 13126At their heads as they neared the buffet. 13127 -- Edward Gorey 13128% 13129The skater, Barbara Ann Scott 13130Is so fuckingly "winsome" a snot, 13131 That when posed on her toes 13132 She elaborately shows 13133Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat. 13134% 13135The spouse of a pretty young thing 13136Came home from the wars in the spring. 13137 He was lame but he came 13138 With his dame like a flame -- 13139A discharge is a wonderful thing. 13140% 13141The star of that X-rated hit 13142Plays a nurse with a throat full of clit. 13143 This serves as a palace 13144 For each turgid phallus-- 13145Some say that the plot is pure shit. 13146% 13147The State of California has no business subsidizing intellectual 13148curiosity. 13149 -- Ronald Reagan 13150% 13151The Stealth Condom -- they'll never see you coming. 13152% 13153The struggling for knowledge has a pleasure in it 13154like that of wrestling with a fine woman. 13155 -- Lord Halifax 13156% 13157The Sultan was peeved with his harem, 13158And cooked up a scheme for to scare'em. 13159 He caught a big mouse 13160 Which he loosed in the house. 13161(Such confusion is called harem-scarem). 13162% 13163The sun was shining brightly The breeze was blowing briskly, 13164And I could hardly wait, It made the flowers sway, 13165To ponder at my window The garden was enchanting 13166And gaze at my estate. On this inspiring day. 13167 13168My eyes fell on a little bird, I smiled at him cheerfully 13169With a beautiful yellow bill, And gave him a crust of bread, 13170I beckoned him to come and light And then I closed the window 13171Upon my window sill. And smashed his fucking head. 13172 -- "Good Morning", Debbie Smith 13173% 13174"The testes are cooler outside," 13175Said the doc to the curious bride, 13176 "For the semen must not 13177 Get too fucking hot, 13178And the bag fans your bum on the ride." 13179% 13180The three faithful things in life are money, a dog and an old woman. 13181% 13182The three most important parts of a stove: lifter, leg, and poker. 13183% 13184The three sexual positions during pregnancy. 13185 13186During the first four months: Missionary style 13187During the second four months: Doggie style 13188And during the last month: Coyote style 13189 13190Coyote style? 13191 You sit by the hole and howl. 13192% 13193The time has come for kicking ass and taking names. 13194% 13195The townspeople stood in despair as the fire that had begun in a diner 13196threatened to spread to adjoining homes. Just then, a truck filled with 13197farm workers came speeding down a hill toward the fire. The crowd moved 13198back and the truck drove right into the thickest of the flames. The workers 13199jumped out and beat at the fire with their coats, miraculously bringing the 13200blaze under control. 13201 The city fathers were so grateful for the men's heroism that they 13202gave each a plaque and $1000. After the ceremony, newsmen interviewed the 13203driver and asked him what he was going to do with the money. 13204 "You can be damned sure the first thing I'm gonna do," he replied, 13205"is get the brakes fixed on that son-of-a-bitchin' truck!" 13206% 13207The truth about a woman often lasts longer than the woman is true. 13208% 13209The two couples were enjoying their vacation together at a resort hotel. They 13210were in the middle of a game of Scrabble in the lobby when a thunderstorm cut 13211off the hotel's electricity, leaving little to do but retire to their rooms. 13212Bill was a rather devout man, so before getting into bed with his companion, 13213he said his prayers. As he got under the covers, the lightning suddenly 13214flashed through the window and he discovered that he was in the wrong room. 13215He instantly jumped up and started to dash for the hallway. "It's too late, 13216called the girl from the bed, "my guy doesn't pray." 13217% 13218The two men feigned friendship but secretly hated each other's guts and took 13219great pleasure in giving one another the needle on any and all occasions. 13220This particular evening they met, quite by accident, at a popular bar. 13221The conversation started innocently enough; then one, with sudden inspiration, 13222ran his hand over the other's bald head and exclaimed, 13223 "By God, Fred, that feels just like my wife's ass!" 13224The other ran his own hand over his head and nonchalantly retorted, 13225 "Well, I'll be damned, Jim, so it does, so it does!" 13226% 13227The two things that you should never lend out are your car 13228or your woman. Someone's bound to throw a rod in either one. 13229% 13230The Unitarians are really just a bunch of atheists who really 13231like going to church. 13232% 13233The United States Army: 13234194 years of proud service, 13235unhampered by progress. 13236% 13237The Utah version of this joke goes: 13238 One of the Council of the Twelve runs breathlessly into the Presidents' 13239office one day. The President looks up and says "Brother, what is so important 13240that you ran all the way here, losing your breath?" 13241 The Council member finally regains his breath, and says "The Savior is 13242in the lobby!!" 13243 The President immediate starts for the door, crying "It has come! The 13244prophecies are fulfilled! We are all about to be uplifted!" 13245 The Council member says "Wait! You didn't let me finish! She's... 13246black, and SHE IS PISSED!" 13247% 13248The very first essential for success is a perpetually 13249constant and regular employment of violence. 13250 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf" 13251% 13252The very proper spinster didn't go out very often, but she had some important 13253shopping to do that morning and so decided to have her lunch in what appeared 13254to be a nice quiet respectable restaurant. With the noontime crowd, many 13255customers shared their tables with strangers; the spinster selected a seat 13256next to an attractive, young office girl. The girl finished her sandwich and 13257coffee, then settled back and lit up a cigarette. The older woman controlled 13258herself for a few moments and then snapped, 13259 "I'd rather commit adultery than smoke in public." 13260 "So would I," said the girl, "but I only have half an hour for lunch." 13261% 13262The wages of sin are high -- unless you know someone who does it for nothing. 13263% 13264The warden of the De Luxington preparatory school for boys was holding a 13265hearing. The lad before his desk, a very popular young fellow, was angrily 13266accusing one of his schoolmates of having assaulted him sexually. 13267 "I must warn you, m'boy, this is a very serious charge, the warden 13268said. 13269 "I don't care. I tell you it is true. He raped me, warden." The 13270youth pointed to another, somewhat larger boy smirking in the corner. 13271"That's him, sir, the one who forced me to do all those crimes against 13272nature. The bully!" 13273 "Now tell me, son, as closely as you can, when this happened." 13274 "Sir, two weeks ago on Wednesday at 4:00, then at 7:00 that same 13275evening, on Friday, twice on Saturday, two times on Monday, once on 13276Wednesday, and then he met that bitch Roy and he hasn't touched me since." 13277% 13278The whole religious complexion of the modern world is due to the 13279absence from Jerusalem of a lunatic asylum. 13280 -- Havelock Ellis 13281% 13282The whole world is about three drinks behind. 13283 -- Humphrey Bogart 13284% 13285The wife of young Richard of Limerick 13286Complained to her husband, "My quim, Rick, 13287 Still grows in diameter 13288 Each time that you ram at her; 13289How can your poor tool stay so slim, Rick?" 13290% 13291The woman who lives on the moon 13292Is still cherishing the balloon 13293 Of an earthling who'd come 13294 And given her some, 13295But had dribbled away all too soon. 13296% 13297The woman you buy -- and she is the least expensive -- takes a great 13298deal of money. The woman who gives herself takes all your time. 13299 -- Honore de Balzac 13300% 13301The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis". This is true in 13302almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people 13303have attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged 13304down in silly puns about "standing erect". 13305 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 13306% 13307The work of Mess Sergeant Potgieter 13308Is not merely reading a meter. 13309 By orders of Kirk 13310 A part of his work 13311Is dosing the food with saltpeter. 13312% 13313The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit. 13314% 13315The world is so full of a number of things, 13316I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings. 13317 I'll tell you a story-- 13318 It won't take me long-- 13319Of a brother and sister whose tale is my song. 13320 13321There was an old fellow and what do you think? 13322He lived on the cheese that he scraped from his dink. 13323 He whacked it, he hacked it, 13324 He ate it with glee- 13325Was there ever a fellow so happy as he? 13326 13327This charming old chap had a sister as well: 13328She was ugly and gaunt, with a horrible smell. 13329 Her cunt was so dirty 13330 It stank like a beast, 13331And the odor killed flies as they gathered to feast. 13332 13333What a wonderful family! What marvelous style! 13334I'll bet you and I aren't close by a mile. 13335 Their odor and diet 13336 Won't soon be forgotten, 13337And one day you and I may be equally rotten. 13338% 13339The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her 13340first visit home since starting college. 13341 "Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity 13342last weekend." 13343 "I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner 13344or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience." 13345 "Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight 13346guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore." 13347% 13348The young stud walked into a bordello. After he took his clothes off, the 13349woman was puzzled to see him put a clothespin on his nose, stuff cotton in 13350his ears, and put a prophylactic on his penis. 13351 "Hey," she asked, "what the hell are you doing?" 13352 "Well, ma'am", replied the stud, "there are two things I just can't 13353stand. A screaming woman and the smell of burning rubber." 13354% 13355Then there was the girl who was engaged 13356to a gymnast -- 'til he broke it off. 13357% 13358Then there was the girl whose boyfriend didn't smoke, drink or 13359swear, and never, ever made a pass at her. He also made his own dresses. 13360% 13361Then there was the guy that got badly messed up fighting 13362for his girl's honor. It seems she wanted to keep it. 13363% 13364Then there was the middle-aged businessman who took his spouse to Paris. 13365After traipsing with her from one mansion du couture to another, be begged 13366for a day off to rest and got it. With the wife gone shopping again, he 13367went to the Ritz Bar and picked up a luscious parisienne. They got on 13368well until the question of money came up. She wanted a hundred American 13369dollars; he offered fifty. They couldn't get together on the price; so 13370they didn't get together. That evening he escorted his wife to one of the 13371nicer restaurants on the Rue de Rivoli, and there he spotted his gorgeous 13372babe of the afternoon seated at a table near the door. 13373 "See, monsieur?" she said as they passed her. "Look what you got 13374for your lousy fifty bucks." 13375% 13376Then there was the Scot that wanted to rob a jewelry store -- he tossed a 13377brick through the show window and ran off with a king's ransom. They 13378caught him when he came back for the brick. 13379% 13380There are a couple of things about her I greatly admire. 13381% 13382There are also a lot of nice buildings in Haiphong. What their 13383contributions are to the war effort I don't know, but the desire to 13384bomb a virgin building is terrific. 13385 -- Commander Henry Urban, Jr. 13386% 13387There are Jews in the world, there are Buddhists, Every sperm is sacred, 13388there are Hindus and Mormons and then Every sperm is great, 13389there are those that follow Mohammed ...But... If a sperm is wasted, 13390I've never been one of them. God gets quite irate. 13391 13392I am a Roman Catholic Every sperm is wanted, 13393And have been since before I was born, Every sperm is good. 13394And the one thing they say about Catholics is Every sperm is needed, 13395They'll take you as soon as you're warm. In your neighborhood. 13396 13397You don't have to be a six-footer. Let the heathens spill theirs, 13398You don't have to have a great brain. On the dusty ground. 13399You don't have to have any clothes on, God shall make them pay for 13400You're a Catholic the moment Dad came Each sperm that can't be found. 13401...Because... 13402 13403Hindu, Taoist, Mormon, Every sperm is useful, 13404spill theirs just anywhere Every sperm is fine. 13405but God loves those who treat their God needs everybodies, 13406semen with more care. Mine, and mine, and mine. 13407 -- Monty Python, "Every Sperm is Sacred" 13408% 13409There are many ways to say "I love you", but fucking is the fastest. 13410% 13411There are only six Democrats in all of Hinsdale County and you, you son of 13412a bitch, you ate five of them. 13413 -- Colorado judge, sentencing Alfred E. Packer for 13414 cannibalism in 1874. 13415% 13416There are revolutions that are sweeping the world and we in America 13417have been in a position of trying to stop them. With all the wealth of 13418America, with all of the military strength of America, those 13419revolutions are revolutions against a form of political and economic 13420organization in the countries of Asia and the Middle East that are 13421oppressive. They are revolutions against feudalism. [1952] 13422 -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas 13423% 13424There are so many people wanting a piece of my ass that some of them 13425are having to take turns. 13426 -- T.K. 13427% 13428There are some things we mustn't expose, 13429So we hide them away in our clothes. 13430 Oh, it's shocking to stare 13431 At what's certainly there-- 13432But why this is so, heaven knows. 13433% 13434There are three religious truths: 134351. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 134362. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the 13437 Christian faith. 134383. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or 13439 the adult book store. 13440% 13441There are three women on the fast track in a particular company. The 13442president realizes it's time to promote one of them, but they're all so 13443competent that he's not sure which one to choose. So he devises a little 13444test. One day while they're all at lunch, he places $500 on each of their 13445desks. #1 returns it to him immediately. #2 pockets it. #3 invests 13446in the market and returns $1,500 to him in the morning. Who gets the 13447promotion? The one with the big tits! 13448% 13449There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's. 13450% 13451There are two trees in the forest. They are very proud trees. One day 13452they notice a sapling half-way between them. 13453 One tree proclaims, "That is a son of beech!" 13454 "No, that is a son of a birch!" insists the other. 13455 "A son of a BEECH!" 13456 "A son of a BIRCH!" 13457 "Son of a beech!" 13458 "Son of a birch!" 13459 13460The fighting attracts a woodpecker who informs them that he can tell what 13461kind of tree the sapling is by its taste. First he tastes the beech and 13462the birch. Then he tastes the sapling. "Well now, is that a son of a 13463beech or a son of a birch?" asks the beech. 13464 "You're both wrong!" says the bird. "That's the best piece of ash 13465I've had my pecker in for a long time!" 13466% 13467There is a definite parallel between shots of tequila and a 13468woman's breasts. One is not enough and three are too many. 13469% 13470There is a God, but He drinks. 13471 -- Blore 13472% 13473There is a new model of car being sold in San Francisco -- 13474the pervertible. The top doesn't go down, but the driver does. 13475% 13476There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty, 13477Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the 13478Fatherland. 13479 -- Adolf Hitler 13480% 13481There is a young faggot named Mose 13482Who insists that you fuck his long nose. 13483 And you'll double the joy 13484 Of this lecherous boy 13485If you'll tickle his balls with your toes. 13486% 13487There is a young lady named Aird, 13488Whose bottom is always kept bared. 13489 When asked why she pouts, 13490 She says "The Boy Scouts, 13491All beg me to please Be Prepared!" 13492% 13493There is nothing as overrated as a bad 13494lay, or as underrated as a great shit. 13495% 13496There is nothing wrong with screwing everyone in sight. 13497Boring your friends about it is the sin. 13498 -- Mama Liz 13499% 13500There once was a couple named Kelley, 13501Who lived their life belly to belly. 13502 Because in their haste 13503 They used Library Paste, 13504Instead of Petroleum Jelly. 13505% 13506There once was a feisty young terrier 13507Who liked to bite girls on the derriere. 13508 He'd yip and he'd yap, 13509 Then leap up and snap, 13510And the fairer the derriere the merrier. 13511% 13512There once was a freshman named Lin, 13513Whose tool was as thin as a pin, 13514 A virgin named Joan 13515 From a bible belt home, 13516Said, "This won't be much of a sin." 13517% 13518There once was a hacker named Ken 13519Who inherited truckloads of Yen 13520 So he built him some chicks 13521 Of silicon chips 13522And hasn't been heard from since then. 13523% 13524There once was a lady from Exeter, 13525So pretty that men craned their necks at her. 13526 One was even so brave 13527 As to take out and wave 13528The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. 13529% 13530There once was a man named Eugene 13531Who invented a screwing machine 13532 Concave and convex 13533 It served either sex 13534And it played with itself in between. 13535% 13536There once was a plumber from Leigh, 13537Who was plumbing his maid by the sea, 13538 Said she, "Please stop plumbing, 13539 I think someone's coming!" 13540Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me." 13541% 13542There once was a queen of Bulgaria 13543Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, 13544 Till a prince from Peru 13545 Who came up for a screw 13546Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier. 13547% 13548There once was a Sailor who looked through a glass 13549And spied a fair mermaid with scales on her... island. 13550Where seagulls flew over their nest. 13551She combed the long hair which hung over her... shoulders. 13552And caused her to tickle and itch. 13553The sailor cried out "There's a beautiful... mermaid. 13554A sittin' out there on the rocks." 13555The crew came a running, all grabbing their... glasses. 13556And crowded four deep to the rail. 13557All eager to share in this fine piece of... news. 13558... 13559"Throw out a line and we'll lasso her... flippers. 13560And soon we will certainly find 13561If mermaids are better before or be... brave 13562My dear fellows," The captain cried out. 13563And cursing with spleen. 13564This song may be dull, but it's certainly clean. 13565 -- "The Clean Song", Oscar Brandt 13566% 13567There once was a Scot named McAmeter 13568With a tool of prodigious diameter. 13569 It was not the size 13570 That cause such surprise; 13571'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter. 13572% 13573There was a bluestocking in Florence 13574Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents, 13575 Till a Spanish grandee, 13576 Got her off with his knee, 13577And she burned all her works with abhorrence. 13578% 13579There was a gay countess of Bray, 13580And you may think it odd when I say, 13581 That in spite of high station, 13582 Rank and education, 13583She always spelled cunt with a "k". 13584% 13585There was a man who, every day, would buy a newspaper on the way to work, 13586glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy. Day after day the 13587man would go through this routine. Finally the newsboy could not stand it 13588and he asked the man, "Why do you always buy a paper and only look at the 13589front page before discarding it?" 13590 The man replied, "I am only interested in the obituaries." 13591 "But they are on page 21. You never even unfold the newspaper." 13592 "Young man," he replied, "the son-of-a-bitch I'm looking for will 13593be on the front page." 13594 -- Attributed to FDR 13595% 13596There was a young fellow named Bliss 13597Whose sex life was strangely amiss, 13598 For even with Venus 13599 His recalcitrant penis 13600Would never do better than t 13601 h 13602 i 13603 s 13604 . 13605% 13606There was a young girl from Hong Kong 13607Whose cervical cap was a gong. 13608 She said with a yell, 13609 As a shot rang her bell, 13610"I'll give you a ding for a dong!" 13611% 13612There was a young girl named Sapphire 13613Who succumbed to her lover's desire. 13614 She said, "It's a sin, 13615 But now that it's in, 13616Could you shove it a few inches higher?" 13617% 13618There was a young girl of Angina 13619Who stretched catgut across her vagina. 13620 From the love-making frock 13621 (With the proper sized cock) 13622Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor. 13623% 13624There was a young girl of Darjeeling 13625Who could dance with such exquisite feeling 13626 There was never a sound 13627 For miles around 13628Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling. 13629% 13630There was a young lad name of Durcan 13631Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. 13632 His father said, "Durcan! 13633 Stop jerkin' your gherkin! 13634Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'." 13635% 13636There was a young lady from Maine 13637Who claimed she had men on her brain. 13638 But you knew from the view, 13639 As her abdomen grew, 13640It was not on her brain that he'd lain. 13641% 13642There was a young lady named Clair 13643Who possessed a magnificent pair; 13644 At least so I thought 13645 Till I saw one get caught 13646On a thorn, and begin losing air. 13647% 13648There was a young lady named Hall, 13649Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. 13650 The dress caught on fire 13651 And burned her entire 13652Front page, sporting section, and all. 13653% 13654There was a young lady named Twiss 13655Who said she thought fucking a bliss, 13656 For it tickled her bum 13657 And caused her to come 13658.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW 13659% 13660There was a young lady of Norway 13661Who hung by her toes in a doorway. 13662 She said to her beau 13663 "Just look at me, Joe; 13664I think I've discovered one more way." 13665% 13666There was a young man from Bel-Aire 13667Who was screwing his girl on the stair, 13668 But the banister broke, 13669 So he doubled his stroke, 13670And finished her off in mid-air. 13671% 13672There was a young man hitchhiking along a road one day. A car stopped and the 13673driver opened the door and asked, "What political party are you with?" 13674 He replied, "Why, I'm a Democrat." 13675 And the driver slammed the door and rode off. The guy was pretty 13676discouraged when another car came along, and the driver asked the same 13677question. 13678 The guy answered, "Uh, I'm a Democrat." 13679 And again, the driver slammed the door and rode off. Now he was 13680downright confused when another car came along. The driver was an attractive 13681lady, and she asked the same question. 13682 He answered: "I'm a Republican." 13683 And she answered, "Well, then, hop on in." 13684 They drove on for a few minutes when he began to notice that her 13685skirt was beginning to get hiked up on her thighs. Finally, he couldn't take 13686it any more, and said "Ma'am, stop the car and let me out. I've only been 13687a Republican for 15 minutes, and already I feel like screwing someone!" 13688% 13689There was a young man named Crockett 13690Whose balls got caught in a socket. 13691 His wife was a bitch, 13692 And she threw the switch, 13693As Crockett went off like a rocket. 13694% 13695There was a young man of Cape Horn 13696Who wished he had never been born, 13697 And he wouldn't have been 13698 If his father had seen 13699That the end of the rubber was torn. 13700% 13701There was a young man of St. John's 13702Who wanted to bugger the swans. 13703 But the loyal hall porter 13704 Said, "Pray take my daughter! 13705Those birds are reserved for the dons." 13706% 13707There was a young tenor named Springer, 13708Got his testicles caught in a wringer. 13709 He hollered in pain, 13710 As they rolled down the drain, 13711"There goes my career as a singer!" 13712% 13713There was a young whore from Kaloo 13714Who filled her vagina with glue. 13715 She said with a grin, 13716 "If they pay to get in, 13717They can pay to get out again too!" 13718% 13719There was an old man of the port 13720Whose prick was remarkably short. 13721 When he got into bed, 13722 The old woman said, 13723"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!" 13724% 13725There was an old pirate named Bates 13726Who was learning to rhumba on skates. 13727 He fell on his cutlass, 13728 Which rendered him nutless 13729And practically useless on dates. 13730% 13731There was once a newly-married couple. Now these two lovers were, well, 13732rather uptight about using expressions such as "having sex", "getting it on", 13733or "boffing the brains out". So, they decided to use the euphemism, "doing 13734the laundry" whenever the topic of sex came up. 13735 One evening, hubby said, "Well, honey, feel like doing some laundry 13736tonite?", and she consented. The next evening, hubby again asked, "Sweetie, 13737feel like doing some laundry tonite?" Well, wifey wasn't really in the mood, 13738but complied. On the third night, when hubby approached her, asking her to 13739participate in doing still MORE laundry, she replied, "Oh, Hon, I'm really not 13740in the mood for doing any laundry tonite." 13741 Well, hubby, being a bit disappointed, locked himself in the bathroom 13742and engaged in a spot of self-abuse instead. Upon returning to the living 13743room, wifey said, "Well, Poopsie, I've changed my mind -- how about doing 13744some laundry?" To which he replied, "Oh, no, that's okay, I just did a small 13745load!" 13746% 13747There was once a salesman who had an outstanding record for selling tooth- 13748brushes. His boss, wondering at his unlikely success, sent a man out to 13749follow the salesman on rounds to see what pitch he gave that brought such 13750good results. It was soon found that this particular salesman went to the 13751corner of a busy street and opened up his briefcase, and on one side was the 13752assortment of toothbrushes, and on the other side various chips and garnishes 13753and a bowl of brownish stuff. He would grab a likely customer and give them 13754the following pitch. 13755 "Good morning, ma'am, this is a commercial promotion for --- brand 13756of chip dip. Would you care to give it a try?" 13757 At that point the person would try it, then spit it out and scream 13758in utter disgust, "This tastes like shit!" 13759 The salesman would smile and say, "It is. You want to buy a 13760toothbrush?" 13761% 13762There was something about her I liked, 13763but I couldn't put my finger on it. 13764% 13765There were the Scots 13766Who kept the Sabbath 13767And everything else they could lay their hands on. 13768Then there were the Welsh 13769Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors. 13770Thirdly there were the Irish 13771Who never knew what they wanted 13772But were willing to fight for it anyway. 13773Lastly there were the English 13774Who considered themselves a self-made nation 13775Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility. 13776% 13777There's a handsome boy who tells me how I've changed his past. He buys me 13778a brandy... Could it be he's really just after my ass? 13779 -- Pete Townshend, "How Many Friends" 13780% 13781There's a tendency today to absolve individuals from moral responsibility and 13782treat them as victims of social circumstance. You buy that, you pay with your 13783soul. It's not men who limit women, it's not straights who limit gays, it's 13784not whites who limit blacks. What limits people is lack of character. What 13785limits people is that they don't have the fucking nerve or imagination to star 13786in their own movie, let alone direct it. 13787 -- Bernard Mickey Wrangle 13788% 13789There's a vas deferens between men and women. 13790% 13791There's amnesia in a hangknot, 13792And comfort in the ax, 13793But the simple way of poison will make your nerves relax. 13794 There's surcease in a gunshot, 13795 And sleep that comes from racks, 13796 But a handy draft of poison avoids the harshest tax. 13797You find rest on the hot squat, 13798Or gas can give you pax, 13799But the closest corner chemist has peace in packaged stacks. 13800 There's refuge in the church lot 13801 When you tire of facing facts, 13802 And the smoothest route is poison prescribed by kindly quacks. 13803Chorus: With an *ugh!* and a groan, and a kick of the heels, 13804 Death comes quiet, or it comes with squeals -- 13805 But the pleasantest place to find your end 13806 Is a cup of cheer from the hand of a friend. 13807 -- Jubal Harshaw, "One For The Road" 13808% 13809There's many a slurp t'wixt the tip and the zip. 13810% 13811There's more than one way to skin a cat: 13812 #15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush. 13813% 13814There's more than one way to skin a cat: 13815 #27 -- Use an electric sander. 13816% 13817There's more than one way to skin a cat: 13818 #32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker. 13819% 13820There's more than one way to skin a cat: 13821 #33 -- A bicycle pump. 13822% 13823There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter 13824and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex. 13825 -- Billy Joel 13826% 13827There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure. 13828 -- David Mairowitz 13829% 13830They ought to make butt-flavored cat food. 13831 -- Gallagher 13832% 13833They watched the sun slowly sink behind the hills, and the fiery glow on the 13834lake fade into darkness. He eyed her shadowy figure, accentuated by the moon- 13835light, as the tension from within began to fuel his animalistic desires. 13836She followed him, ever so quietly, as they sought a secluded corner in the 13837barn. Alone! At last. His hands roamed about her soft back, around to her 13838thighs, and finally caressed her budding nipples. Oh, how smooth and succulent 13839she was! "Was it so wrong?", he asked himself. No, he thought, for his 13840father had done it, as did his own father, ad infinitum. The boiling, 13841uncontrollable rage within him became unbearable. She signaled her eagerness, 13842spreading her legs, as he grasped her nipples again. Stroking, again and 13843again, longer each time. It began coming; again, again, again, again. His 13844mind raced with fear "Will it stop?". Exhausted, he lay down beside her. 13845"Dear God, what have I done?". Suddenly, his father burst in. His eyes 13846burned as he stared for what seemed an eternity. Finally, his father spoke. 13847 "Son, you ain't supposed to milk the damn cow till mornin'!" 13848% 13849This Czech walks into police station in 1968 during the Fraternal Assistance. 13850Czech: Hey, out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and 13851 took my Russian watch. 13852Desk Sergeant: Come again? 13853Czech: Right out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and 13854 took my Russian watch. 13855DS: You're confused. Why would there be a Swiss soldier here? And who 13856 would want to own a Russian watch? It was a Russian soldier who 13857 knocked you down and took your Swiss watch, right? 13858Czech: Well, maybe, but you said it, not me. 13859% 13860This fellow rushed into a crowded tavern on Saturday night. Men and women 13861stood three-deep at the bar. Our man, who felt nature calling strongly, 13862looked about him but couldn't see anything that resembled a john. He saw a 13863stairway and bounded up the steps to the second floor in his increasingly 13864desperate search. Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a 13865one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor. Now, at the end of his control, he 13866decided to take advantage of the hole. He dropped his pants, hunched over it, 13867and did his thing. Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the 13868steps to find, to his surprise, that the crowded bar was now empty. 13869 "Hey!" he yelled to the seemingly empty room, "Where is everyone?" 13870 From behind the bar a voice responded, "Hey! Where were you when 13871the shit hit the fan?" 13872% 13873This guy makes an appointment with a doctor because his hemorrhoids are 13874really bothering him. The doctor gives him some suppositories and tells 13875him to come back in a week for a checkup. "How's it going?" he asks 13876the patient a week later. 13877 "I gotta tell you the truth, Doc," said the man. "For all the 13878good these pills did me, I coulda shoved them up my ass." 13879% 13880This guy, see, was walkin' down the street sportin' two -- not one, but two 13881-- black eyes; a coupla real shiners. He chanced upon his buddy walkin' th' 13882other way... they stopped to talk... "Hey guy," sez his buddy, "where'd'ja 13883git them good lookin' shiners? Musta been a helluva fight." 13884 "Well, actually, I got them in church," sez he. 13885 "Nowwaitaminnit," sez the friend, "nobody gits black eyes in church!" 13886 "I swear I did," sez he, "and here's how it happened. We all got up 13887to sing a hymn, you see, and the fat lady in front of me got her dress all 13888stuck up in the crack of her butt, so bein' as how I'm a real gennulman an' 13889all, well, I leaned forward and pulled it out for her. And you know what? 13890She just turned around, hauled off and slugged me one!" 13891 "Well," his buddy replies, after he can talk again, "that shore 'nuff 13892explains one of 'em. Howdja git th' other one?" 13893 "Well," sez he, "like I said, I'm a gennulman, even when somebody does 13894me wrong, so when I saw she didn't like it like that, I stuck it back in." 13895% 13896This guy walks into a bank and up to a female bank teller: 13897 13898Man: "I want to open a fuckin' savings account." 13899Teller: "Excuse me, sir?" 13900M: "Listen, bitch, I want to open a fuckin' savings account." 13901T: "Sir, I don't have to listen to this abusive language." 13902M: "LOOK! I just want to open a fuckin' savings account." 13903T: "Sir, you leave me no choice but to speak to the manager." 13904 13905The teller walks over and explains the customer's rude behavior to the bank 13906manager who then accompanies her back to the teller booth. 13907 13908Mgr: "Can I help you, sir?" 13909M: "I want to open a fuckin' savings account." 13910Mgr: "Please, sir, we'll be delighted to help you, but we must request 13911 that you not use abusive language to our tellers." 13912M: "Look. I just won $25 million in the state lottery and I want to 13913 open a fuckin' savings account!" 13914Mgr: "I see. And has this cunt been giving you any trouble?" 13915% 13916This guy was screwing his neighbors wife when a car pulls into the drive. 13917"My husband!" she screams. He panics and jumps out the window. He finds 13918himself on the street, naked, under cloudy skies. There is no place to hide 13919except in a crowd of joggers. As he runs along, a woman looks over and says, 13920 "Do you always jog in the nude?" 13921 "Yes ma'am!" he replies. 13922 "Does it always result in that kind of sexual excitement?" she asks. 13923 "Yes ma'am!" he replies. 13924 "Do you always wear a condom?" 13925 "Only when it rains, lady. Only when it rains." 13926% 13927This here's the wattle 13928The emblem of our land 13929You can stick it in a bottle 13930Or you can hold it in your hand. 13931 -- Monty Python 13932% 13933This hot and dusty cowboy rode in from the mesa, filthy and exhausted. He 13934obviously had had nothing but his horse for company for a couple of weeks 13935and was looking forward to a couple of cold beers in the saloon. Swinging 13936off his horse and hitching it to the rail, the cowboy gave his horse an 13937affectionate slap on the neck. Then he astonished an old cowhand lounging 13938on the porch by moving around to the horse's hindquarters, lifting up its 13939tail and planting a demure kiss on its asshole. 13940 "What'd you do that for?" asked the cowhand, completely repulsed. 13941 "Chapped lips," said the cowboy, heading for the saloon doors. 13942 "Wait a minute," said the old guy. "Whaddaya mean, chapped lips?" 13943 "Keeps ya from lickin' 'em," explained the cowboy. 13944% 13945This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an 13946actual emergency, you would have known it! 13947% 13948This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week. 13949% 13950This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. So I'll put 13951"di-dah" for the filthy words: 13952 13953 Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah, 13954 Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah; 13955 Di-dah di-dah di-dah? 13956 Di-dah di-dah di-dah. 13957 Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck. 13958% 13959This story concerns a man who, after putting his son to bed each night, would 13960stand by his boy's door and listen to his son saying his prayers. One night, 13961the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Granddad, who won't be 13962with us much longer." The man thought this was rather curious, but passed it 13963off as childish whimsy. The next day, however, he received a call from his 13964mother, informing him that his father had passed away early that morning. 13965During the next few weeks, he listened particularly closely to his son's 13966prayers, but noticed nothing unusual. Then, one night, the boy ended his 13967prayers with, "God specially bless Grandmom, who won't be with us much longer." 13968Although the shock of the original incident had worn off during the intervening 13969weeks, he nonetheless phoned his mother to inquire as to her health. He went to 13970bed reassured, only to be awakened in the night by his sister calling with the 13971news that their mother had died suddenly in the night. The father had a series 13972of psychological tests done; nothing unusual was uncovered. About a month 13973later, the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Daddy, who won't 13974be with us much longer." The man was panic-stricken, certain that he was 13975going to die during the night. He resolved to stay awake all night; if awake 13976and alert he should be able to prevent any tragedy. Morning came. Breathing 13977a huge sigh of relief, he went to get the paper off the porch. There, lying 13978dead on the doorstep, was the milkman. 13979% 13980This system goes down more often than a two-dollar whore. 13981% 13982This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management 13983personnel to various situations. 13984 13985You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives 13986in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchilada casserole and 13987egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure. 13988Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass 13989bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out. 13990 13991YOU SHOULD: 13992 13993(a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away. 13994(b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense. 13995(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better. 13996% 13997This time it's for love; next time it's $100.00. 13998% 13999THORNY: 14000 A thailor at thea. 14001% 14002Thou shalt not omit adultery. 14003% 14004Thought: 14005 Girls get minks the same way minks get minks! 14006% 14007Three fine Irish lads, O'Rourke, O'Malley and O'Donnell, worked together at 14008the local brewery. One day, as fate would have it, O'Rourke fell into one 14009of the beer vats and drowned. O'Malley and O'Donnell, completely crestfallen, 14010had to break the news to his wife. 14011 They went 'round the Widow O'Rourke's house and informed her that her 14012poor dear Patrick had drowned in a beer vat that very day. Choking back her 14013tears, she asked them "Tell me now, did me poor Patty suffer much?" 14014 "I don't think so," replied O'Donnell. "He climbed out twice to take 14015a piss." 14016% 14017Three gay guys were discussing what they thought their favorite sport would 14018be. The first decides on football, 'cause of all those gorgeous guys bending 14019over in their tight pants. 14020 "Definitely wrestling," sighs the second guy. "Those skimpy little 14021costumes, and think of the holds." 14022 "Definitely baseball," says the third guy. "Why? Well, I'd be 14023pitching with the bases loaded, the batter would hit a savage one-hopper 14024right to me, I'd catch it, and I'd just stand there while the other guys 14025rounded the bases. Meanwhile, the crowd would be going crazy, screaming, 14026`Throw the ball, you cocksucker!' and that's what I like -- recognition!" 14027% 14028Three minutes of serious sex and I need eight hours of sleep and 14029a bowl of Wheaties. 14030 -- Richard Pryor 14031% 14032Three things have been difficult to tame: The oceans, fools, 14033and women. We may soon be able to tame the ocean. Fools and 14034women will take a little longer. 14035 -- Spiro Agnew 14036% 14037Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, 14038however, the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is, except 14039for Laurie's. Laurie never seems to have her laundry out when it rains. 14040 So, one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes 14041on the line when one of the women says to Laurie, "Laurie, how come it 14042never rains when you have your laundry out?" 14043 "Well," replies Laurie, "when I wake up in the morning, I check out 14044my husband Paul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's 14045going to be a great day. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know 14046it might rain. I don't know why it works, but he's never been wrong!" 14047 "Laurie, what if he has an erection?" asks the other woman. 14048 "Honey, on a day like *that*, you don't do the *laundry*." 14049% 14050Three young women were attending the same logic class given at one of the 14051better universities. During a lecture the professor stated that he was 14052going to test their ability at situation reasoning. 14053 "Let us assume," said the prof, "that you are aboard a small craft 14054alone in the Pacific, and you spot a vessel approaching you with several 14055sex-starved sailors on board. What would you do in this situation to avoid 14056the problem?" 14057 "I would attempt to turn my craft in the opposite direction and 14058flee," said the first girl. 14059 "I would pass them, and hope that I could fend them off," responded 14060the second woman. 14061 "Frankly," murmured the third woman, "I understand the situation, 14062but I fail to see the problem." 14063% 14064Three-bag ugly, adj.: 14065 That's when you put one bag over her head, one bag over your 14066 head in case her's falls off, and one over the dog's to keep 14067 it from howling. 14068 14069Four-bag ugly, adj.: 14070 When you leave a bag by the door in case someone drops by. 14071% 14072Through a major bureaucratic error, you are made county coroner. 14073You seriously consider the job because it gives you: 14074 14075 1: Lots of unclaimed wedding rings and watches. 14076 2: Lots of gold fillings and bridges. 14077 3: Free blood. 14078 4: A constantly changing array of new friends who aren't at 14079 all stuffy about what happens to their genitalia. 14080% 14081Tim and I a hunting went 14082We found three damsels in a tent, 14083As they were three, and we were two, 14084I bucked one and Timbuktu. 14085 -- the only known poem using the word "Timbuktu" 14086% 14087To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature. 14088% 14089To be the kind of girl designed to be kissed between the thighs. 14090% 14091To win a woman in the first place one must please her, then undress her, and 14092then somehow get her clothes back on her. Finally, so she will allow you 14093to leave her, you've got to annoy her. 14094 -- Jean Giraudoux, "Amphitryon 38" 14095% 14096Today is gonna be one helluva week! 14097% 14098Today's title: 14099 Creative Violence in Sexual Relationships 14100% 14101"Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad 14102name." 14103 -- Gore Vidal 14104% 14105Tonight's piss is tomorrow's Tang. 14106 -- An American astronaut 14107% 14108Tourist, n.: 14109 A pretty girl in Oklahoma. 14110% 14111Tourist to New Yorker: 14112 "Pardon me, sir, do you know what time it is, or should I 14113 just go fuck myself?" 14114% 14115Transvestite, n.: 14116 Someone who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary. 14117% 14118Tri Delts; everyone else has. 14119% 14120TRUST: 14121 Two cannibals having oral sex. 14122% 14123Trust me: 14124 Los Angeles for "Fuck you, your mother, and the horse 14125 she rode in on." 14126% 14127T-shirt of the Day: 14128 Head for the Mountains 14129 -- courtesy Anheuser-Busch beer 14130 14131Followup T-shirt of the Day (on the same scenic background): 14132 If you liked the mountains, head for the Busch! 14133 -- courtesy someone else 14134% 14135T-shirt of the Day: 14136 14137 See Dick Drink... 14138 See Dick Drive... 14139 See Dick Die. 14140 DON'T BE A DICK. 14141% 14142T-shirt of the Week: 14143 I'm not excited, I'm cold! 14144% 14145'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod And as in raffish thought he sprawled, 14146Did groove and trip out at the pad: The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt, 14147All whimsy were the slamming chicks, Crept past the hippies getting balled 14148And the Radcliffe undergrad. And doffed her miniskirt. 14149 14150"Beware the Radcliffe girl, my son! One, two! One, two! And through 14151The looks that melt, the claws that and through 14152 catch! The venerable staff went snicker-snack! 14153Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun He left her bred, sans maidenhead, 14154The uppity Wellesleysnatch!" And went galumphing back. 14155 14156He took his venerable staff in hand: "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl? 14157Long time the cool young stuff he Come to my arms, my horny boy! 14158 sought -- O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!" 14159So rested he among the spree He cackled in his joy. 14160And paused to smoke some pot. 14161 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod 14162 Did groove and trip out at the pad: 14163 All whimsy were the slamming chicks, 14164 And the Radcliffe undergrad. 14165% 14166'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod 14167Did groove and trip out at the pad: "Beware the Radcliff girl, my son! 14168All whimsy were the slamming chicks, The looks that mell, the claws that 14169And the Radcliffe undergrad. catch! 14170 Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun 14171He took his venerable staff in hand: The uppity Wellesleysnatch!" 14172Long time the cool young stuff he 14173 sought -- And as in raffish thought he sprawled, 14174So rested he among the spree The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt, 14175And paused to smoke some pot. Crept past the hippies getting balled 14176 And doffed her miniskirt. 14177One, two! One, two! And through 14178 and through "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl? 14179The venerable staff went snicker-snack! Come to my arms, my horny boy! 14180He left her bred, sans maidenhead, O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!" 14181And went galumphing back. He cackled in his joy. 14182 14183'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod 14184Did groove and trip out at the pad: 14185All whimsy were the slamming chicks, 14186And the Radcliffe undergrad. 14187% 14188Twenty years of romance make a woman look like a ruin; but 14189twenty years of marriage make her something like a public building. 14190 -- Wilde 14191% 14192Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time. 14193The Italian boy's father presents him with a brand-new pistol. On the other 14194side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold 14195watch. 14196 The next day, in school, the two boys are showing each other what 14197they got. It turns out that each boy likes the other's present better, and 14198so they trade. 14199 That night, the Italian boy is at home and his father sees him 14200looking at his new watch. "Where did you getta thatta watch?" he asks. 14201 The boy explains the trade, and the father blows his top. "Whatta 14202you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you!" 14203 "Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day 14204you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta 14205you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and say, `How longa you gonna be?'" 14206% 14207Two gentlemen met at the club after a long absence and talked. 14208 "Did you hear about Chumley?", one asked. 14209 "No, old man, what about him?" 14210 "Last seen in Africa, you know." 14211 "No, I didn't." 14212 "Yes. Appalling. Ran off with a gorilla. Fallen in love." 14213 "Queer." 14214 "Not Chumley. Female gorilla." 14215% 14216Two golfers were being held up as the twosome of women in front of them 14217whiffed shots, hunted for lost balls and stood over putts for what seemed 14218like hours. 14219 "I'll ask if we can play through," Bill said as he strode toward 14220the women. Twenty yards from the green, however, he turned on his heel 14221and went back to where his companion was waiting. 14222 "Can't do it," he explained, sheepishly. "One of them's my wife 14223and the other's my mistress!" 14224 "I'll ask," said Jim. He started off, only to turn and come back 14225before reaching the green. 14226 "What's wrong?" Bill asked. 14227 "Small world, isn't it?" 14228% 14229Two men and a woman were stranded on a desert island - 14230 14231Two weeks later, the woman was so ashamed of what she 14232had been doing, she committed suicide. 14233 14234Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they 14235had been doing, they buried her. 14236 14237Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they 14238had been doing, they dug her back up. 14239% 14240Two men, both close to retirement, are working on the assembly line. One 14241boasts to the other, "Last night I made love to my wife *three* times!" 14242 "Three times!", replies his friend. "How did you do it?" 14243 "Well," says the first man, "I made love to my wife and set the 14244alarm clock for two hours later. When it went off we made love again. 14245Then, I reset it for the morning and we made love once more before I came 14246to work. I feel like a bull!" 14247 His friend says, "Well, that *is* fantastic! I'm going to have 14248to give it a try." So, he goes home that night and makes love to his 14249wife. Figuring he doesn't need to set the alarm clock, he settles off 14250to sleep. Waking up a few hours later, he nudges his wife and they make love 14251again. Waking up in the morning he makes love to his wife for the third 14252time. Looking over at the clock he realizes that he's twenty minutes late 14253for work. He throws on his clothes and runs down to the subway. When 14254he gets to the factory his boss is standing there waiting. 14255 "Frank", he says, "I've been working for you for 18 years, and I've 14256never been late before. You've got to forgive me twenty minutes this once!" 14257 "Well," replies his boss, "okay, but it's not the twenty minutes 14258that had me worried. Where were you Tuesday, where were you Wednesday..." 14259% 14260Two men were standing around talking while nearby a large German Shepherd 14261lay licking his balls. One man says to the other, "Damn, I wish I could 14262do that." 14263 The other man replies, "Well, it's okay by me, but I think you 14264ought to get to know him a little first." 14265% 14266Two midgets arrived at the convent door and asked to speak with the Mother 14267Superior. Led into her office, the first one asked respectfully "Excuse 14268me, your holiness, but are there any midget nuns in this convent?" 14269 Receiving a reply to the negative, he asked whether any midget 14270nuns were to be found in any of the neighboring parish. Again the reply 14271was no. 14272 The tiny man scratched his head and posed a final question. "Beggin' 14273your pardon, Mother Superior, but would you know of *any* midget nuns at 14274all, anywhere?" The nun shook her head. 14275 At which the first midget turned to the second midget, put his hand 14276on his shoulder, and said, "You see, I told you you fucked a penguin!" 14277% 14278Two nuns, a mother superior and a new nun, are walking home one night from 14279church when they are attacked by two vicious rapists. The two men drag the 14280nuns off into the bushes and proceed to have their way with them. The mother 14281superior is very afraid, but she knows that God will protect her. To show her 14282strength and trust in God she yells out "Forgive him Father, for he knows not 14283what he does!" 14284 To which the young nun replies "Oooooh, mine does!!" 14285% 14286Two old men are walking down the boardwalk when one of them tells the other 14287that he has to leave, his wife is expecting him to come home and make love 14288with her. 14289 The other man is astonished. "Make love to your wife? You're as old 14290as I am! Nearly eighty years old! What do you mean you have to go home and 14291make love to your wife?" 14292 The first man smiles and says, "We have a *great* sex life. We make 14293love every day." 14294 "You're kidding!" says his friend. "How do you do it?" 14295 "Pumpernickel bread. That's the secret." And he dashes off home. 14296 The other man starts to walk home. "Hmmm," he thinks to himself 14297pumpernickel bread. Well, it's worth a try." So he goes into a nearby 14298bakery. 14299 Going up to the woman at the counter, he asks for their entire stock 14300of pumpernickel bread. The woman stares at him in astonishment. "You want 14301all the pumpernickel bread we have? Are you sure? Don't you know that it 14302will get hard?" 14303 "How come," demands the man, "everybody knows about this but me?" 14304% 14305Two Peace Corp. doctors who had just returned to a stateside hospital 14306were in front of the main desk in the midst of a heated argument that 14307went along these lines: 14308 (1st doctor) "No, no, no! It's 'waaaahmmmb'" 14309 (2nd doctor) "No you're wrong! It's 'woooooommmb'" 14310and this continued for quite sometime. 14311 Finally a nurse stepped in and said: "The correct pronunciation is 14312'womb'" and trotted off. 14313 (1st doctor) "That shows you what she knows." 14314 (2nd doctor) "Yeah. I bet she's never even SEEN a hippopotamus, 14315let alone heard one fart underwater." 14316% 14317Two pirates are sitting in a seaside tavern, talking. One of them has a 14318hook instead of a hand, and an eye patch. The other pirate has a wooden 14319leg. Over a few beers, they start to tell each other how they received their 14320injuries. 14321 "One day," says the first pirate, "we had pulled alongside a merchant 14322vessel and were boarding her. I had my sword drawn when suddenly a man with 14323a saber caught me by surprise and cut my hand off. So I had this hook put 14324on. How did you lose your leg?" 14325 "From a broadside of grapeshot from an English military vessel, in a 14326terrific battle off the coast of France. And how about your eye?" 14327 "Well, I don't really like to talk about it," said the first pirate. 14328 "Come on," says the second pirate. "It doesn't matter after all 14329these years, does it?" 14330 "Oh, okay," says the first pirate. "See, it's pretty embarrassing; 14331a seagull shit in my eye." 14332 "A seagull!? I can see how that would hurt, but I don't see why 14333you would *lose* the eye..." 14334 "But," the first pirate says, "it was my first day with the hook." 14335% 14336Two recent emigrants to the United States, on their first day off the boat 14337in New York City, spied a hotdog vendor. "Do they eat dogs in America?" 14338one asked his companion. 14339 "I don't know." 14340 "Well, if we're going to live in America, we have to learn to eat 14341American foods." 14342 So they each bought a wax paper wrapped hotdog and sat down to eat 14343them on a nearby park bench. One man looked inside his wax paper, then over 14344at the other man, and asked, "So, what part did you get?" 14345% 14346Two women are talking; one says to the other, "Say, weren't you dating that 14347cute French horn player? What ever happened to him?" 14348 "Well," replies her friend, we're still seeing each other, but, 14349I must admit, we've had some problems." 14350 "Problems? What's wrong?" 14351 "You see," says the second woman, "every time he kisses me, he 14352wants to shove his fist up my ass." 14353% 14354Two young men seated in a restaurant were watching a customer busily 14355disposing of a plate of oysters on the half shell. One of the young 14356men remarked to his friend, 14357 "Did you ever hear that business about raw oysters being 14358good for a man's virility?" 14359 "Yes, why?" the friend replied. 14360 "Well, take it from me, that's a lot of foolishness. I ate a 14361dozen of them the other night, and only nine worked." 14362% 14363Un moine au milieu de la messe A monk in the middle of mass 14364S'eleva et cria en detresse; Stood up and cried out in distress; 14365 "La vie religieuse, "The religious life 14366 C'est sale et affreuse," Is dirty and horrid," 14367Et se poignarda dans les fesses. And stabbed himself in the ass. 14368 -- Edward Gorey 14369% 14370Uncle Sam comes off as the perverted relative who'll offer you a 14371bit of candy, but if you won't bend over for him, you get a beating. 14372% 14373Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the 14374opposite. 14375 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 14376% 14377Unitarians pray "To whom it may concern". 14378% 14379Unix programmers do it with pipes. 14380% 14381Upon leaving a hotel bar one evening, an executive noticed a drunk sitting 14382on the edge of a potted palm in the lobby, crying like a baby. Because he'd 14383had a couple himself that night, and was feeling rather sorry for his fellow 14384man, he asked the inebriated one what the trouble was. 14385 "I did a terrible thing tonight," sniffled the drunk. "I sold my 14386wife to a guy for a bottle of Scotch." 14387 "That is terrible," said the man, too much under the weather to 14388muster any real indignation. "And now that she's gone, you wish you had her 14389back." 14390 "Thas right," said the drunk, still sniffling. 14391 "You're sorry you sold her, because you realize too late that you 14392love her," sympathized the executive. 14393 "No, no," said the drunk. "I wish I had her back because I'm 14394thirsty again." 14395% 14396Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid 14397or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth 14398noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon. 14399 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson 14400% 14401U.S. of A.: 14402 "Don't speak to the bus driver." 14403Germany: 14404 "It is strictly forbidden for passengers to speak to the driver." 14405England: 14406 "You are requested to refrain from speaking to the driver." 14407Scotland: 14408 "What have you got to gain by speaking to the driver?" 14409Italy: 14410 "Don't answer the driver." 14411% 14412Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran: 14413 14414AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN. 14415 Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun. 14416 14417FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR. 14418 I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down 14419 on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart. 14420 14421SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH QEH GOFTEH BANDE. 14422 I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life. 14423% 14424Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran: 14425 14426AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST. 14427 It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to 14428 travel in the trunk of your car. 14429 14430FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO 14431GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHVAREHMAN. 14432 If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital 14433 appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my 14434 country in public. 14435 14436KHREL, JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEH AMRIKAHEY. 14437 I will tell you the names and addresses of 14438 many American spies traveling as reporters. 14439% 14440Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran: 14441 14442MAMNOUNAN GHORBAN IN DAFAYEH MEEMUNAM. 14443 It is with greatest pleasure that I sign 14444 this confession of capital crimes. 14445 14446MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GHORBAN. 14447 The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency. 14448 14449TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM. 14450 The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. 14451 I must have the recipe. 14452 14453ETEHFOR'AN, DEHRATEE, OTAGEH SHOMA MIKRASTAM KHE 14454DO HAFTAEH BA BODANEH SHEEREEL TEEGZ. 14455 Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed 14456 self than spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs. 14457% 14458USENET is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- 14459massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and 14460a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least 14461expect it. 14462 -- Gene Spafford 14463% 14464User friendly software searching for friendly Hardware to interface with. 14465Hardware may present itself in floppy format as software has capability to 14466upgrading same to full size firm. Size is not all that important; but byte 14467sized bandwidth required -- header width is of more concern. Joystick should 14468be able to toggle in different speeds and for some duration. Software is 14469looking for system willing to perform intensive manipulation of keyboard as 14470well as preparing the mainframe and disk drives. Fingering of all files 14471permitted, and encouraged, before thrusting joystick into drive. Software 14472is programmed not to copy; there is no need for removing joystick before 14473completed execution of program. Program may be run several times per day... 14474especially if special features and options are utilized. 14475% 14476Vagina, n.: 14477 The box a penis comes in. 14478% 14479Vaginal lubricant, n.: 14480 A slitty slicker. 14481% 14482Vandalism On The Upswing! 14483 Last night, windows were broken and graffiti was sprayed over the 14484 front of the local sex shop, Le Sex Boutique, causing several hundred 14485 dollars in damage. In a later anonymous phone call, the provisional 14486 wing of the Salvation Army claimed responsibility. 14487% 14488Vatican upholds ban on contraceptives: "To heir is humane," claims the Pope. 14489% 14490VD, n.: 14491 The gift that keeps on giving. 14492% 14493Vegetarians for oral sex -- "The only meat that's fit to eat" 14494% 14495Very few modern women either like or desire marriage, especially after the 14496ceremony has been performed. Primarily women wish attention and affection. 14497Matrimony is something they accept when there is no alternative. Really, 14498it is a waste of time, and hazardous, to marry them. It leaves one open 14499to a rival. Husbands, good or bad, always have rivals. Lovers, never. 14500 -- Helen Lawrenson, "Esquire" 14501% 14502Vidi, vici, veni. 14503(I saw, I conquered, I came.) 14504% 14505Viennese Oyster: Lady who can cross her feet behind her head, lying on her 14506back, of course. When she has done so, you hold her tightly round each instep 14507with your full hand and squeeze, lying on her full-length. Don't try to put 14508an unsupple partner into this position -- it can't be achieved by brute force. 14509You can get a very similar sensation -- unique rocking pelvic movement -- with 14510less expertise if she crosses her ankles on her tummy, knees to shoulders, and 14511you lie on her crossed ankles with your full weight. Why "Viennese" we don't 14512know. Tolerable for short periods only but gives tremendous genital pressure 14513for both. 14514 -- The Joy of Sex 14515% 14516"Violence accomplishes nothing." What a contemptible lie! Raw, naked 14517violence has settled more issues throughout history than any other method 14518ever employed. Perhaps the city fathers of Carthage could debate the 14519issue, with Hitler and Alexander as judges? 14520% 14521Virgin, n.: 14522 An ugly third grader. 14523% 14524Virginity is a bubble on the sea of life, 14525which takes but one prick to break. 14526 -- Jordan Sand 14527% 14528VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sep. 22) 14529 Get it in writing. Be careful. You are surrounded by lechers and 14530 assholes; birds of a feather flock together. Trust no one. People 14531 will not be offended, because they've come to recognize you for the 14532 paranoid neurotic that you are. Your dentures are loose. 14533% 14534Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me obtain a 14535divorce. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with." 14536 What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge 14537in unusual sex practices?" 14538 "No, he doesn't," replied the woman, "and neither does the little 14539queer." 14540% 14541W. Lafayette may not be the asshole of the universe... 14542 but you sure as hell can see it from there! 14543% 14544Waldheimers disease is what you have when you can't remember you were a Nazi. 14545% 14546War is menstruation envy. 14547% 14548Was it you that did the pushin', 14549Left the stains upon the cushion, 14550The footprints on the dashboard upside-down? 14551Was it you, you little pecker, 14552That got into my Rebecca, 14553If you did, you'd better leave this town! 14554 14555Yes, 'twas I that did the pushin', 14556Left the stains upon the cushion, 14557Footprints on the dashboard upside-down. 14558But since I stuck your daughter, 14559I've had trouble passin' water, 14560So I guess we're kind of even all around! 14561% 14562WASP, n.: 14563 Someone who gets out of the shower to take a piss. 14564% 14565Watch out for a cold wave this week. (Or maybe a warm WAC.) 14566% 14567Watching girls go passing by 14568It ain't the latest thing 14569I'm just standing in a doorway 14570I'm just trying to make some sense 14571Out of these girls passing by A smile relieves the heart that grieves 14572The tales they tell of men Remember what I said 14573I'm not waiting on a lady I'm not waiting on a lady 14574I'm just waiting on a friend I'm just waiting on a friend 14575... 14576Don't need a whore 14577Don't need no booze 14578Don't need a virgin priest Ooh, making love and breaking hearts 14579But I need someone I can cry to It is a game for youth 14580I need someone to protect But I'm not waiting on a lady 14581 I'm just waiting on a friend 14582 I'm just waiting on a friend 14583 -- Rolling Stones, "Waiting on a Friend" 14584% 14585Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish fuck in it. 14586 -- W. C. Fields 14587% 14588We ... make the modern error of dignifying the Individual. We do everything 14589we can to butter him up. We give him a name, assure him that he has certain 14590inalienable rights, educate him, let him pass on his name to his brats and 14591when he dies we give him a special hole in the ground ... But after all, he's 14592only a seed, a bloom and a withering stalk among pressing billions. Your 14593Individual is a pretty disgusting, vain, lewd little bastard ... By God, 14594he has only one right guaranteed him in Nature, and that is the right to die 14595and stink to Heaven. 14596 -- Ross Lockridge, quoted in "Short Lives" by Katinka Matson 14597% 14598We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb 14599your cities. 14600 -- Robin Williams 14601% 14602We are upping our standards ... so up yours. 14603 -- Pat Paulsen for President 14604% 14605We aren't what we eat. We are what we don't shit. 14606 -- Hugh Romney 14607% 14608We boggies are a hairy folk Ever hungry, ever thirsting, 14609Who like to eat until we choke. Never stop till belly's bursting. 14610Loving all like friend and brother, Chewing chop and pork and muttons, 14611And hardly ever eat each other. A merry race of boring gluttons. 14612 14613Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE. 14614 14615Boggies gather 'round the table, Anything edible, we've got dibs on, 14616Eat as much as you are able. And hope we all die with our bibs on. 14617Gorge yourselves from moon till noon Ever gay, we'll never grow up, 14618(Don't forget your plate and spoon.) Come! And sing and play and throw-up! 14619 14620Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE! 14621 -- Bored of the Rings, "The Hobbits National Anthem" 14622% 14623We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid. 14624% 14625We came, we saw, we kicked its ass! 14626 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" 14627% 14628We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at 14629hand. 14630 -- James Watt 14631% 14632We drove to the hotel and said goodbye. How hypocritical to go upstairs 14633with a man you don't want to fuck, leave the one you do sitting there alone, 14634and then, in a state of great excitement, fuck the one you don't want to 14635fuck while pretending he's the one you do. That's called fidelity. That's 14636called civilization and its discontents. 14637 -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying" 14638% 14639We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess. We must 14640condemn once and for all the formula "chess for the sake of chess," like 14641the formula "art for art's sake." We must organize shock-brigades of 14642chess-players, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan 14643for chess. 14644 -- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice 14645 (of RFSFR, later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress 14646 of Chess Players, as quoted in Boris Souvarine's 14647 "Stalin," published London, 1939 14648% 14649We must! We must! 14650We must increase our bust! 14651The bigger the better! 14652The tighter the sweater! 14653And the boys will think more of us! 14654% 14655We sailed on the good ship Venus, 14656My God, you should have seen us 14657 With a figurehead 14658 Of a whore in bed 14659And the mast an upright penis 14660 14661The captain of the lugger 14662Was known as a filthy bugger 14663 Declared unfit 14664 To shovel shit 14665From one ship to another 14666 14667The first mate's name was Cooper, 14668By god he was a trooper 14669 He jerked and jerked 14670 Until he worked 14671Himself into a stupor 14672 14673The cabin boy was chipper, 14674A dandy little nipper 14675 He shoved cracked glass 14676 Inside his ass 14677And circumcised the skipper 14678 14679The captain's wife was Charlotte, 14680Born and bred a harlot 14681 Her thighs at night 14682 Were lily white 14683By morning they were scarlet 14684 14685The captain's youngest daughter 14686Slipped into the water 14687 Her plaintive squeals 14688 Announced that eels 14689Had found her sexual quarter 14690 14691The ship's dog's name was Rover, 14692They turned the poor beast over 14693 And ground and ground 14694 That faithful hound 14695From Tenerief to Dover 14696% 14697We should declare war on North Vietnam. We could pave the whole 14698country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas. 14699 -- Ronald Reagan 14700% 14701We took some pictures of the girls, but they weren't developed. 14702 -- Groucho Marx 14703% 14704We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids, 14705Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods, 14706I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids, 14707And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me! 14708(chorus) (chorus) 14709 14710In the church of Aphrodite, 14711The priestess wears a see through nightie, 14712She's a mighty righteous sightie, 14713And she's good enough for me! 14714(chorus) 14715 14716CHORUS: Give me that old time religion, 14717 Give me that old time religion, 14718 Give me that old time religion, 14719 'Cause it's good enough for me! 14720% 14721Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends! 14722We're so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside! 14723There behind the glass there's a real blade of grass, 14724Be careful as you pass, move along, move along. 14725Come inside, the show's about to start, 14726Guaranteed to blow your head apart. 14727Rest assured, you'll get your money's worth, 14728Greatest show, in heaven, hell or earth! 14729You gotta see the show! It's a dynamo! 14730You gotta see the show! It's rock 'n' roll! 14731 -- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2) 14732% 14733Welcome to Fortune Blackmail!! 14734 Ms. Kat****** Bl****an is the mistress of a well-known 14735 banker in Houston, Texas. That's $5000, please, to stop 14736 us from revealing both of your names, Mr. L*****, so that 14737 your wife Doreen, and your lovely children Diane, Janice 14738 and Tom need never know the name of your mistress. You 14739 have two days to reach us at: 14740 14741 Fortune Blackmail 14742 Behind the hot water pipes, 14743 Third stall from the end, 14744 Greyhound Bus Terminal, Fayette MO. 14745% 14746Welcome to Fortune Blackmail!! 14747 This is the first of a series of revelations which could 14748 add up to a divorce, premature retirement and possible 14749 criminal proceedings for a company vice-president in Langley Virginia. 14750 So, Mr. S*****, $10,000 please to stop us from revealing: 14751 1: Whose shoulders you were sitting on. 14752 2: What you were doing. 14753 3: The names of the three people involved. 14754 4: The youth organization to which they belonged. 14755 5: The shop where you bought the equipment. 14756% 14757Well, actually, I don't mind going to weddings or anything, as long as they're 14758not my own, I show up, but uh, I've always kinda been partial to callin' myself 14759up on the phone, asking myself out, y'know, yeah, one thing about it, you're 14760always around. Yeah, I know, yeah, you ask yourself out, y'know, some class 14761joint somewhere, the Burrito King, or somethin', y'know, well, I ain't cheap 14762y'know. Take yourself out for a coupla drinks, mebbe, then you eat, some 14763provocative conversation on the way home, and uh, park in front of the house, 14764y'know, and you, oh yeah, you smoo with yourself, put a little nice music on, 14765mebbe you put on like, uh, y'know, like shoppin' music, something that's not 14766too interruptive, y'know, and then uh, y'know, slide over real nice, and say, 14767"Oh, I think you have something in your eye", well, maybe it's not that 14768romantic with you, but I don't, y'know, I get into it, y'know, I take myself 14769up to the porch, and uh, take myself inside, maybe, oh, I might get a little 14770something in a brandy snifter, "Would you like to listen to some of my back 14771records, I got something here...", well, usually, about two-thirty in the 14772morning, you've ended up takin' advantage of yourself, and there ain't no way 14773around that, y'know, yeah, makin' the scene with a magazine, ain't no way 14774around it. I'll confess, y'know, I'm no different, y'know, I'm not weird 14775about it or anything, I don't tie myself up first, I just, I just kinda 14776spend a little time with myself. 14777 -- Tom Waits, "Nighthawks at the Diner" 14778% 14779Well buggered was a boy named Delpasse 14780By all of the lads in his class 14781 He said, with a yawn, 14782 "Now the novelty's gone 14783And it's only a pain in the ass." 14784% 14785Well, God gave me a bust. What am I supposed to do with it? 14786 -- Martha Mitchell 14787% 14788Well, he went down to dinner in his Sunday best, 14789Excitable boy, they all said! 14790And he rubbed the pot roast all over his chest, 14791Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy.) 14792 14793He took in the 4am show at the Clark, 14794Excitable boy, they all said! 14795And he bit the usherette's leg in the dark, 14796Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy.) 14797 14798He took little Susie to the junior prom, 14799Excitable boy, they all said! 14800And he raped her and killed her, then he took her home, 14801Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy!) 14802 14803After ten long years they let him out of the home, 14804Excitable boy, they all said! 14805And he dug up her grave and built a cage with her bones, 14806Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy.) 14807 -- Warren Zevon, "Excitable Boy" 14808% 14809Well, I don't know where they come from but they sure do come, 14810I hope they comin' for me! 14811And I don't know how they do it but they sure do it good, 14812I hope they doin' it for free! 14813They give me cat scratch fever... cat scratch fever! 14814First time that I got it I was just ten years old, 14815Got it from the kitty next door... 14816I went to see the doctor and he gave me the cure, 14817I think I got it some more! 14818Got a bad scratch fever... 14819 -- Ted Nugent, "Cat Scratch Fever" 14820% 14821"Well, I took your advice, Doc", said Knopp, 14822"And told my wife to try it on top. 14823 She bounced for an hour, 14824 Till she ran out of power, 14825And the kids, who'd grown bored, made us stop." 14826% 14827Well, I went to a party, and what did they do? 14828They took off their socks and they took off their shoes. 14829They took off their shirts, and they took off their pants, 14830I had a hunch, we weren't gonna dance. 14831 14832Everybody, everybody's ass was bare, 14833No bras left, just a queer over there. 14834But the whole damn thing didn't faze me a bit; 14835I just jumped on the pile and grabbed some tit. 14836 14837My baby's not a sports fan, 14838But she plays with balls whenever she can. 14839'Cause her favorite sport you see, 14840Is playing tonsil hockey. 14841[chorus] 14842 Eat, bite, fuck, suck, gobble, nibble, chew; 14843 Nipple, bosom, hair pie, finger fuck, screw. 14844 Moose piss, cat pud, orangutan tit; 14845 Sheep pussy, camel crack, pig-lie-in-shit. 14846 -- Doctor Dirty, "The Eat-Bite Song" 14847% 14848Well, I'd left home just a week before, 14849And I'd never ever kissed a woman before, 14850But Lola smiled and took me by the hand, 14851And said 'Little boy, gonna make you a man!' 14852Well, I'm not the world's most masculine man, 14853But I know what I am and I'm glad I'm a man and so's Lola. 14854La, la, la, la-Lola... la, la, la, la-Lola... Lola. 14855 -- The Kinks 14856% 14857Well, it seems that there was this traveling saleswoman whose car broke 14858down, late at night, in the middle of a torrential downpour. Hoping to 14859find a phone she ran to a nearby farmhouse. When she was unable to find 14860a garage still open, the farmer told her that, while they were short of 14861beds, she could sleep with his daughter. The daughter proved to eighteen 14862and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly afterward, the saleswoman 14863rolled over toward the daughter and said, "Dear, I'm sure that you're aware 14864that some women like... to be with... other women. Let me be frank..." 14865 "No!" interrupted the daughter, sternly. "This time *I* want to 14866be Frank!" 14867% 14868"Well, madam," the bishop declared, 14869While the vicar just mumbled and stared, 14870 "'Twere better, perhaps, 14871 In the crypt or the apse, 14872Because sex in the nave must be shared." 14873% 14874Well, now that SUN's in bed with AT&T, I sure hope she sleeps with her 14875back to the wall. 14876 -- Guy Harris, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems 14877 14878Eat shit and die. Strong memo to follow. 14879 -- Mike O'Dell, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems 14880% 14881Well, see, I was out with this chick last night, and we were in bed, and 14882she groaned to me, "Give me nine inches, and make it hurt!" So, I fucked 14883her twice and slapped her. 14884% 14885Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator. Now, I had 14886my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco. Surely 14887you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another! 14888% 14889Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt 14890great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just 14891felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at 14892him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And this poor 14893quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier 14894than you." A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just 14895bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE 14896ANIMALS?" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages 14897to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the 14898jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that 14899was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: 14900"WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" Well, this 14901elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; 14902picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of 14903orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. 14904The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says: 14905"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so 14906pissed." 14907% 14908Well, you almost got it right. The only problem is, you're doing it exactly 14909backwards! Just reverse the motions you described and your partner will 14910experience an incredibly intense orgasm. One trouble with this technique, 14911though, is that it works so well. Believe me, word will get around about 14912your newfound prowess and you'll be inundated by prospective sexual partners. 14913So try to be discreet. I prefer maple syrup to pineapple/apricot lotion, but 14914that's a matter of personal preference. Also, I'd advise against the syrup, 14915or using honey, if you're outside, because the insects it attracts tend to 14916distract the quail. You can substitute crazy glue (but obviously not thumb 14917tacks!) for the masking tape, but only if you don't want to use the piano for 14918awhile. 14919% 14920Well, you got your mules and you got your racehorses, and you can kick 14921a mule in the ass all you want, and he's still not gonna be a racehorse. 14922 -- Billy Martin, "Esquire", May, 1984 14923% 14924Well, you see, it's such a transitional creature. It's a piss-poor reptile 14925and not very much of a bird. 14926 -- Melvin Konner, from "The Tangled Wing", quoting a 14927 zoologist who has studied the archeopteryx and found it 14928 "very much like people". 14929% 14930Well, you see there was this neighborhood that had a priest, a minister, and 14931a rabbi who lived near each other. One summer afternoon the priest went out 14932and bought himself a new car, and the minister and rabbi, not to be outdone, 14933did the same. 14934 The next day the priest went out and blessed his car. The minister 14935hired a crane and baptized his car in a swimming pool. The rabbi, after 14936thinking seriously for a bit, got a hacksaw and cut three inches off the end 14937of the tail pipe. 14938% 14939We're all looking for a woman who can sit in a mini-skirt and talk 14940philosophy, executing both with confidence and style. 14941% 14942WE'RE GOING TO THROW THE MX AWAY AFTER WE BUILD IT. The MX is really 14943[Don't tell anybody!] just a "bargaining chip" in the nuclear-arms- 14944reduction talks with the Russians. See, we have a problem with the 14945Russians. They look at our leaders and they see, for example, George 14946Bush, who is really a fine and brave man but who happens to have this 14947unfortunate physical characteristic whereby when he talks he sounds as 14948though he just inhaled a helium party balloon. If he ever becomes 14949President, the Russians will deliberately create nuclear crises just so 14950they can gather around the Hot Line with refreshments and listen to 14951George talk. 14952 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against 14953 Political Fallout" 14954% 14955Were it not for imagination, sir, a man would be as happy in the arms 14956of a chambermaid as a duchess. 14957 -- Dr. Johnson 14958% 14959Wet dream, n.: 14960 Overnight sensation. 14961% 14962We've all heard about the woman who married a Field Service engineer but 14963divorced him after one day because he'd done nothing on their wedding night 14964but promise to have it up in 15 minutes. What few people realize is that the 14965poor man was in the bathroom all night, masturbating furiously, muttering 14966"I just don't understand, it passes all the diagnostics!" 14967% 14968We've got things well in hand. 14969 -- Master Byte Software, Los Gatos California 14970% 14971We've just received the results of a survey conducted to ascertain the 14972various reasons men get out of bed in the middle of the night. According 14973to the report, 2% are motivated by a desire to visit the bathroom, and 149743% have an urge to raid the refrigerator. The other 95% get up to go home. 14975% 14976What a man enjoys most about a woman's clothes are his fantasies of how 14977she would look without them. 14978 -- Brendan Francis 14979% 14980What can you use used tampons for? Tea bags for vampires. 14981% 14982What creatures of habit we are. This morning, without thinking, half asleep, 14983I put $100 on my pillow. That's not so bad, no one would worry about it, but 14984my wife, half asleep, without thinking, gave me $20 change. 14985% 14986What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas? 14987A Dan Quayle watch. 14988% 14989What did Snow white say when told she was pregnant? 14990 "I'd like to thank all the little people who made this possible..." 14991 14992Presumably this all started that evening when she was feeling Happy... 14993% 14994What do hookers do on their nights off, type? 14995 -- Elayn Boosler 14996% 14997What do you call someone with herpes, AIDS, syphilis, and gonorrhea? 14998An incurable romantic. 14999% 15000What is a promiscuous person -- it's usually someone who is getting more 15001sex than you are. 15002 -- Victor Lownes, quoted in "In and Out: Debrett 1980-81", 15003 by N. Mackwood 15004% 15005What is the difficulty with writing a PDP-8 program to emulate Jerry 15006Ford? 15007 15008Figuring out what to do with the other 3K. 15009% 15010What luck for the rulers that men do not think. 15011 -- Adolf Hitler 15012% 15013What the fuck, over? 15014% 15015What this department needs is a really good inflatable doll. 15016% 15017What with chromodynamics and electroweak too 15018Our Standardized Model should please even you, 15019Tho' once you did say that of charm there was none 15020It took courage to switch as to say Earth moves not Sun. 15021Yet your state of the union penultimate large 15022Is the last known haunt of the Fractional Charge, 15023And as you surf in the hot tub with sourdough roll 15024Please ponder the passing of your sole Monopole. 15025Your Olympics were fun, you should bring them all back 15026For transsexual tennis or Anamalon Track, 15027But Hollywood movies remain sinfully crude 15028Whether seen on the telly or Remotely Viewed. 15029Now fasten your sunbelts, for you've done it once more, 15030You said it in Leipzig of the thing we adore, 15031That you've built an incredible crystalline sphere 15032Whose German attendants spread trembling and fear 15033Of the death of our theory by Particle Zeta 15034Which I'll bet is not there say your article, later. 15035 -- Sheldon Glashow, Physics Today, December, 1984 15036% 15037What you mean, how old am I? About one hundred! But Viennese answer is 15038better: we say, "I keep passing the open windows." This is an old joke. 15039There was a street clown called King of the Mice: he trained rodents, he 15040did horoscopes, he could impersonate Napoleon, he could make dogs fart 15041on command. One night he jumped out his window with all his pets in a box. 15042Written on the box was this: "Life is serious, but art is fun!" I hear his 15043funeral was a party. A street artist had killed himself. Nobody had 15044supported him but now everybody missed him. Now who would make the dogs 15045make music and the mice pant? The bear knows this, too: it is hard work 15046and great art to make life not so serious. 15047 -- John Irving "The Hotel New Hampshire" 15048% 15049Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stay. 15050% 15051What's on the floor of the old hen-house? 15052Doo-doo, doo-doo. 15053 -- Foghorn Leghorn, to "Camptown Ladies" 15054% 15055What's the worst thing about being an atheist? 15056Noone to talk to when you're having an orgasm. 15057% 15058When a girl admits she's had a checkered career, it's your move. 15059% 15060When a man grows old and his balls 15061 grow cold, So find me a seat and stand me a drink 15062And the end of his knob turns blue; And a tale to you I'll tell 15063When it's bent in the middle like a Of Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete 15064 one-string fiddle, And the gentle Eskimo Nell. 15065He can tell a tale or two. 15066 15067When Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete 15068Go out in search of fun, And when Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete 15069It's usually Dick who wields the prick Are sore, depressed, and mad, 15070And Mexican Pete the gun. 'Tis the cunt that bears the brunt 15071 So the shooting ain't so bad. 15072There was rarely a day without a lay 15073And usually two or three Now Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete 15074For Dead-eye Dick, his kingly prick Had been hunting in Deadman's creek. 15075Was always like a tree. And they'd had no luck in the way of 15076 a fuck 15077Just a moose or two and a caribou, For nigh on half a week. 15078And a bison cow or so; 15079And for Dead-eye Dick with his kingly prick 15080This fucking was mighty slow. 15081 -- The Ballad of Eskimo Nell 15082% 15083When better women are made, computer programmers will make them. 15084% 15085When ev'rybody's tryin' to sleep, 15086I'm somewhere makin' my midnight creep. Chorus: 15087In the mornin' the rooster crow, I am a back door man, 15088Somethin' tells me I got to go. I am a back door man, 15089 Well, the men don't know, 15090They take me to the doctor, But the little girls understand. 15091 shot full of holes, 15092Nurse try to save a soul. 15093Killed her for murder first degree, 15094Judge what tried let the man go free. 15095 15096Stand up, cop's wife cried, don't take him down, 15097Rather be dead six feet in the ground. 15098When you come home, you can eat pork and beans, 15099I eats more chicken than any man's seen. 15100 -- Willie Dixon, "Backdoor Man" (1961) 15101% 15102When God created man, She was only testing. 15103% 15104When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it. 15105 -- Charles Merrill Smith 15106% 15107When he tried to inject his huge whanger 15108A young man aroused his girl's anger. 15109 As they strove in the dark 15110 She was heard to remark, 15111"What you need is a zeppelin hanger." 15112% 15113When his company fell on hard times, the boss realized that he'd have to 15114lay off one of his two middle managers. As both Jack and Liz were equally 15115honest and dedicated to their jobs, he was unable to decide which one to 15116fire. To resolve his dilemma, the boss arbitrarily decided that the first 15117to leave his or her desk the next morning would be the one to get the ax. 15118 The next morning found Liz at her desk, rubbing her temples. Asking 15119Jack for some aspirin, she headed for the water fountain and that's where 15120the boss caught up with her. "I've got some bad news for you, Liz," he said. 15121"I've got to lay you or Jack off." 15122 "Jack off," she snapped. "I have a headache." 15123% 15124When I need something 15125To help me unwind 15126I find a six-foot baby What kind of guy 15127With a one-track mind Does a lot for me 15128Smart guys are nowhere Superman 15129They make demands With a lobotomy 15130Give me a moron My father's out of Harvard 15131With talented hands My brother's out of Yale 15132I go bar-hopping Well the guy I took home last night 15133And they say "Last call" Just got out of jail 15134I start shopping The way he grabbed and threw me 15135For a Neanderthal Oooo, it really got me hot 15136 But the way he growled and bit me 15137The bigger they come I hoped he had his shots 15138The harder I fall 15139In love till we're done The bigger they are 15140Then they're out in the hall The harder they'll work 15141 I got a soft spot 15142 For a good-looking jerk 15143 -- Julie Brown, "I Like 'Em Big and Stupid" 15144% 15145When I was eight years old I came home with tears in my eyes because some 15146kids had stolen my sandwich. My father handed me an ice pick, and said, 15147"Next time, hit 'em first and hit 'em hard." 15148 -- Jake LaMotta 15149 15150You can't go into the ring and be a nice guy. I would go a month, two 15151months, without having sex. It worked for me because it made me a 15152vicious animal. You can't fight if you have any compassion or anything 15153like that. 15154 -- Jake LaMotta 15155% 15156When in calling, plain speaking is out; 15157When the ladies (God bless 'em) are milling about, 15158You may wet, make water, or empty the glass; 15159You can powder your nose, or the "johnny" will pass. 15160It's a drain for the lily, or man about dog 15161When everyone's drunk, it's condensing the fog; 15162But sure as the devil, that word with a hiss 15163It's only in Shakespeare that characters ____. 15164 -- Ogden Nash 15165% 15166When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by a dog's 15167rule of life: if you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it! 15168% 15169When Snow White turns on with the dwarfs she probably winds up feeling Dopey. 15170% 15171When somebody protested at [Pope Alexander VI's] wholesale distribution of 15172pardons for the most heinous crimes -- one of which included the murder of 15173a daughter by the father -- he retorted easily, "It is not God's will that 15174a sinner should die, but that he should live -- and pay." 15175 -- E.R. Chamberlin, "The Bad Popes" 15176 15177Judas sold Christ for 30 denari, this man [Pope Alexander VI] would sell 15178him for 29. 15179 -- Ottaviano Ubaldini, chamberlain to Pope Alexander VI 15180% 15181When the naive young lady asked the clerk in Le Sex Shoppe to show her his 15182selection of vibrators, he brought out the two most popular ones. 15183 "The basic white plastic one here is twenty dollars," the clerk said. 15184"The flesh-toned rubber models are thirty." 15185 "I'm just not sure," the woman said, then she noticed an eye-catching 15186item on the back shelf. "How much is that plaid one over there?" 15187 "Uh, well, that's a pretty special one," said the clerk. "I couldn't 15188sell you that one for less than a hundred." 15189 "I'll take it." 15190 Later that day, the store owner checked in to see how business was 15191going. "Great," the clerk told him. "This morning, I sold four white 15192vibrators and three flesh-toned ones. And, this afternoon, I got a hundred 15193bucks for my Thermos." 15194% 15195When the prick stands up, the brains get buried in the ground. 15196 -- Old Jewish saying 15197 15198[How come there aren't ever any "New Jewish sayings?" Ed.] 15199% 15200When the shit hits the fan, keep your mouth shut! 15201% 15202When they tell me to stick it where 15203the sun don't shine, I put it in Oregon. 15204% 15205When things go wrong as they usually will, 15206And your daily road seems all uphill, 15207When funds are low and debts are high, 15208When you try to smile, but can only cry -- 15209And you really feel you'd like to quit, 15210Don't talk to me; I don't give a shit. 15211% 15212When you and I are far apart 15213Can sorrow break your tender heart? 15214I love you darling, yes I do; 15215Sleep is so sweet when I dream of you; 15216All you are is a blossoming rose. 15217Night is here so I must close. 15218With care read the first word of each line. 15219You will find a question of mine. 15220 -- Yours hopefully, The VAX 15221% 15222When you're lying on the bed, 15223And the thought is in your head, 15224But the feeling is way down between your legs, 15225Take your problem in your hand, 15226And beat it to the band, 15227And try your best to keep it off the walls. 15228 15229Don't let your lover tell you, 15230Don't let anybody sell you, 15231That the joy of masturbation is a crime. 15232For I've rid myself of fears, 15233(I've been doing it for years) 15234And now I have an erection all the time. 15235% 15236Whenever someone tells you to "take it like a man" it usually means 15237up your ass. 15238% 15239"Where'd she get those crow's feet? You really want to know?" 15240"Yeah." 15241"From squinting and screaming, "Suck what!?" 15242% 15243Which of the following doesn't belong? 15244 a. meat 15245 b. eggs 15246 c. drum 15247 d. blowjob. 15248 15249Answer: 15250 d: A blowjob, because you can beat your meat, your eggs, 15251 or your drum, but you just can't beat a blowjob. 15252% 15253While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who 15254was pretty, chic, and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his 15255hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, as 15256will happen, the executive sadly found himself unable to perform. 15257 On his first night home, the executive padded naked from the shower 15258into the bedroom to find his wife swathed in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair 15259curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly as she pored through a movie 15260magazine. And then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent 15261erection. 15262 Looking down at his throbbing member, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, 15263mixed-up, son-of-a-bitch! Now I know why they call you a prick!" 15264% 15265While farmers generally allow one rooster for ten hens, ten men are 15266scarcely sufficient to service one woman. 15267 -- Boccaccio 15268% 15269While I, with my usual enthusiasm, 15270Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm, 15271 She explained, "They are flat, 15272 But think nothing of that -- 15273You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm." 15274% 15275While not actually a sailor, I certainly enjoy getting blown ashore. 15276% 15277While sitting 'neath an oak one morn 15278In thought on this and that, 15279A tiny, twitt'ring little bird "Oh tiny bird, O Nature's gift 15280A load dropped in my hat. Of music and of wit! 15281 Why didst thou feel that my best hat 15282"Thy music gladdens my poor soul, Was thy best place to shit?" 15283And brings joy to my heart. 15284But tell me, little bird divine, The tiny bird a few notes sang, 15285Why didst thou not just fart?" Then answer'd "Pardon me, 15286 For thy hat I thought was my nest, 15287I rose and stood in solemn awe A-fallen from the tree." 15288His words to better mull, 15289Then lifted up a paving block 15290And crushed his fucking skull. 15291 -- Bill Wordsworth, "A Tiny Twitt'ring Bird" 15292% 15293While vacationing last summer in the North Woods, a young fellow thought it 15294might be a good idea to write his girl. He had brought no stationery with 15295him, however; so he had to walk into town for some. Entering the one and 15296only general store, he discovered that the clerk was a young, full-blown farm 15297girl with languorous eyes. 15298 "Do you keep stationery?" he asked. 15299 "Well," she giggled, "I do until the last few seconds, and then I 15300just go wild." 15301% 15302Whip it, baby. 15303Whip it right. 15304Whip it, baby. 15305Whip it all night! 15306% 15307White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it 15308so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the 15309time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair. 15310% 15311Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? 15312 15313Because his wife left him. But things are looking up for their reconciliation. 15314Seems that when she left, she took his word processor, and she's been renting 15315it out occasionally in Japan. That is, every now and then she gets a yen for 15316his Wang. 15317% 15318Why, Good Morning! I'm the bluebird of fellatio! 15319% 15320Why I am an atheist: 15321 153221. Atheists do not believe in higher powers. 153232. God is the highest power. 153243. Therefore, God must be an atheist. 153254. We should all strive to be like God. 153265. We should all be atheists. 15327% 15328Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are 15329horses? 15330 -- G. Gordon Liddy 15331% 15332Why is Mrs. Carter always on top when she and Jimmy make love? 15333Because all Jimmy Carter can do is fuck up. 15334% 15335Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them 15336then she isn't good enough for you. 15337% 15338Why not, for example, offer a brand-new Mustang convertible to every girl 15339who consents to having her Fallopian tubes tied in a Gordian knot? ... It 15340would have the additional benefit of eliminating from the gene pool those 15341stupid enough to consent to such a deal. 15342 -- Edward Abbey 15343% 15344...why should you waste a single moment of *your* life seeming to be something 15345you don't want to be? Lord, that's so simple. If you hate your job, quit it. 15346If your friends are tedious, go out and find new friends. You are queer, you 15347lucky fool, and that makes you one of life's buccaneers, free from the clutter 15348of 2000 years of Judeo-Christian sermonizing. Stop feeling sorry for yourself 15349and start raising your sails. You haven't a moment to lose. 15350 -- Edmund Carlevale 15351% 15352Willie, looking in the mirror, Willie with the nursery shears 15353Sucked the mercury off Cut off both the baby's ears. 15354Thinking in his childish error To the baby so unsightly 15355It would cure the whooping cough. Mother raised her eyebrows slightly. 15356 15357At the funeral his weeping mother In the family drinking well 15358Sadly said to Mrs. Brown, Willie pushed his sister, Nell. 15359"'Twas a chilly day for Willie She's there still because it killed her, 15360When the mercury went down." Now, we have to buy a filter. 15361% 15362Winning isn't everything, but losing really sucks. 15363% 15364With a bushel of apples, you can have 15365a hell of a time with the doctor's wife. 15366% 15367Wok, n.: 15368 Something to thwow at a wabbit. 15369% 15370Woman is: finally screwing and your groin and buttocks and thighs ache like 15371hell and you're all wet and maybe bloody and it wasn't like a Hollywood 15372movie at all but Jesus at least you're not a virgin any more but is this 15373what it's all about? And meanwhile, he's asking "Did you come?" 15374 -- Robin Morgan, "Sisterhood Is Powerful" 15375% 15376Women -- can't live with 'em, can't leave 'em by the curb when you're done. 15377% 15378Women should be obscene and not heard. 15379% 15380Women think of being a man as a gift. It is a duty. Even making love can 15381be a duty. A man has always got to get it up, and love isn't always enough. 15382 -- Norman Mailer 15383% 15384Women Unite! Make *him* sleep in the wet spot tonight! 15385% 15386Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination 15387 -- Graffito in a women's restroom 15388% 15389Working hard around here is like pissing on yourself in a dark suit; 15390you get a warm feeling but nobody notices. 15391% 15392Working here is like a pregnancy. 15393After nine months you wish you hadn't come. 15394% 15395World War III is about to break out, but hidden somewhere in Switzerland, 15396a small group of international statesmen are trying to avert disaster. 15397The key members of this group are the representatives from Moscow, Bonn, and 15398Jerusalem, who, despite their personal enmity, manage to forge a peaceful 15399settlement, at the last moment. As the treaty is signed, and the war 15400postponed, almost entirely through the efforts of those three men, an angel 15401appears. "The earth is saved through the efforts of these three men! 15402Therefore, I will grant each of them their heart's desire!" 15403 So, the angel asks the German for his wish, and the German, recalling 15404the nearness of their disaster, and perceiving the cause to have been the 15405Russians, immediately says "I wish there were no more Russians!" And God 15406said, "It will be done." 15407 The angel asks the Russian for his wish, which, of course, is "*I* 15408wish there were no more Germans!" Replies the angel, "It will be done." 15409 So the angel asks the Jew for his wish. The Jew is in a state of 15410shock. "Will you really grant the German's wish?" he asks, and the angel 15411avers. "And the Russian's, too?" The angel avers yet again. Then the Jew 15412thinks a moment, leans back and says, "In that case, I think I'd like a small 15413cup of coffee." 15414% 15415Would you mind terribly much if I asked you to take your silly-assed 15416problem down the hall? 15417% 15418Would you please have another look at my nose and put in that cocaine 15419stuff ... 15420 -- Adolf Hitler, quoted by Dr. Giesing in Nuremberg 15421 trial testimony, 1947 15422% 15423Would you rather have a 5-inch hard or an 8-inch floppy? 15424% 15425Writers do it between periods. 15426% 15427Yeah, I used to be into necrophilia, bestiality and sadism, but then I 15428realized I was just flogging a dead horse. 15429% 15430Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left 15431the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware. 15432 -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper" 15433% 15434Yesterday is a memory, 15435 Tomorrow is a vision, 15436 Today is a bitch! 15437% 15438You always introduce the younger person to the older person, using the 15439wording: "Miss Brown, I'd like to introduce you to an older person" 15440(unless her name is not "Miss Brown"). If you do not know a person's 15441age, ask for a driver's license and a major credit card. If you are 15442introduced to a member of a minority group, use the "high-five" style 15443handshake, followed by a remark designed to show you don't mind a bit, 15444such as "I see you are a (name of a minority group)! Good!" 15445 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 15446% 15447You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but 15448only for a limited period of time. Why should we think that collectively, 15449as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation? 15450 -- Ronald Reagan 15451% 15452You are a tower of strength in the office, but only so-so in bed. 15453% 15454You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an 15455uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Since this is definitely a 15456no-no, you: 15457 15458(a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid 15459 motion, bury your forefinger in your nostril right up to the 4th 15460 joint. 15461 15462(b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a prize 15463 to the one who makes his nose bleed first. 15464 15465(c) Drop your napkin on the floor, and when you bend over to pick it up, 15466 blow your nose on your sock. 15467% 15468You are without a doubt a rogue, a rascal, a villain, a thief, a scoundrel, 15469and a mean, dirty, stinking, sniveling, sneaking, pimping, pocketpicking, 15470thrice double-damned, no-good son-of-a-bitch. 15471% 15472You are witty, charming, handsome and above average in length. 15473% 15474You better believe that marijuana can cause castration. Just suppose 15475your girlfriend gets the munchies! 15476% 15477You can beat my meat, but you can't lick my sauce! 15478 -- Boss' Ribs, Portland, Oregon 15479% 15480You can find sympathy, in the dictionary, right near shit and suicide. 15481% 15482You can get used to living at a nudist camp. 15483The first three days are the hardest. 15484 -- R. Dreiser 15485% 15486You can lead a whore to Vasser, but you can't make her think. 15487 -- Frederick B. Artz 15488% 15489You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't 15490pick your friend's nose. 15491% 15492You can't underestimate the power of fear. 15493 -- Tricia Nixon Cox 15494% 15495You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to 15496get back inside. 15497 -- Heathcote Williams 15498% 15499You have been bitchy since Tuesday and you'll probably get fired today. 15500% 15501You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January 15502and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live 15503there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You: 15504 15505(a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your 15506 name. 15507 15508(b) Ask what position she played. 15509 15510(c) Ask if she is still working the streets. 15511% 15512You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this 15513proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your 15514proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits 15515into your coffee. You: 15516 15517(a) Tell him you take your coffee black. 15518 15519(b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases. 15520 15521(c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a leak in his "In" 15522 basket. 15523% 15524You have to be a bastard to make it, and that's a fact. And the Beatles 15525are the biggest bastards on earth. 15526 -- John Lennon 15527% 15528You have to regard everything I say with suspicion -- I may be trying 15529to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently. 15530 -- J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b 15531% 15532You know the Norplant thing? It's a new birth control device for women. 15533It's a cartridge, that goes in your arm. Well, they're coming out with 15534a new one for men: it's a brain, that goes in your head. 15535% 15536You know what burns my ass? A flame about three feet high. 15537% 15538You might get caught holding the bag. Say she's your sister. 15539% 15540You pedophiliac sodomizer of ducklings!! 15541% 15542You see that fucking fish? 15543If he'd kept his mouth shut, he wouldn'ta got caught. 15544 -- Sam Giancana 15545% 15546You should be a hemorrhoid, you're such a pain in the ass. 15547% 15548You wanna play the dozens, 15549Well, the dozens is a game, 15550But the way I fuck your mother is an ass-wringing shame! 15551 -- George Carlin 15552% 15553You will always have friends 15554Some friends will peter out. 15555But I'll always be your friend, 15556Peter in or peter out. 15557% 15558You'll be a guest at a gay party. 15559That will have important consequences for you. 15560% 15561Young men want to be faithful and are not; 15562old men want to be faithless and cannot. 15563 -- Oscar Wilde 15564% 15565Your boy/girl friend is *so* ugly that... 15566 15567 -- when you look up ugly in the dictionary, their picture's there. 15568 -- it looks like their face caught fire and someone put it out 15569 with an ice pick. 15570 -- Nabisco used their face to model for animal cookies. 15571 -- when they yelled "Rape", the guy screamed "No way!" 15572 -- they were the birth control poster child. 15573 -- when they were born, the doctor slapped their mother. 15574 -- as a child, their parents tied a pork chop around her neck to 15575 get the puppy to play with them. 15576 -- they have to sneak up on a glass of water, just to get a drink! 15577% 15578Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, 15579shake your fist at the sky, and say, "Storms suck!" 15580 -- Johnny Carson 15581% 15582Your first husband was the one you married while firmly believing that 15583there are more important things in life than great sex. 15584% 15585YOUR FOAMY FUTURE 15586 by Miss Fortune 15587 15588SCORPIO (October 24 - November 21) 15589 "Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance?" is your 15590motto. You don't do much other than sleep, eat, down brewskis, and watch TV. 15591Your friends and family are constantly pestering you to clean up your act. 15592But it's OK, Scorpio. A kick in the ass is at least one step forward. 15593 15594SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) 15595 You've been on a diet for two weeks and all you've lost is two weeks. 15596My advice is to drink copius amounts of beer just to get the thought of food 15597out of your mind. Remember, a good reducing exercise consists of placing 15598both hands against the table edge and pushing back. 15599 15600CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan 19) 15601 Remember that day you had one beer too many and did something 15602extremely foolish? Now your friends are coming and going and your enemies 15603accumulating. Cheer up! All is not lost. It's better to be hated for 15604what you are than loved for what you're not. 15605% 15606Your spooning days are over, 15607 And your pilot light is out; 15608When what used to be your sex appeal 15609 Is now your water spout! 15610% 15611You're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings. 15612% 15613Yuck Foo. 15614% 15615Zippity doo dah, zippity ay, 15616I just gave my sister's cherry away! 15617To a couple of truckers from Erie P.A., 15618Zippity doo dah, zippity ay. 15619 -- John Valby 15620% 15621