1This fortune brought to you by: 2 The DragonFly BSD Project 3% 4 MOUNTIES: 5I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, He's a lumberjack and he's OK, 6I sleep all night and I work all day. He sleeps all night and he works 7 all day. 8 9I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch, 10I go to the lavatory. He goes to the lavatory. 11On Wednesday I go shopping, On Wednesday he goes shopping, 12And have buttered scones for tea. And has buttered scones for tea. 13 14I cut down trees, I skip and jump, He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, 15I like to press wild flowers, He likes to press wild flowers. 16I put on women's clothing, He puts on women's clothing, 17And hang around in bars. And hangs around in bars. 18 19I cut down trees, I wear high heels, He cuts down trees, he wears high heels, 20Suspenders and a bra. Suspenders? and a bra? 21I wish I'd been a girlie, That's rude... 22Just like my dear Pappa. 23% 24 FROM THE DESK OF 25 Snow White 26 27Dear Snow White: 28 29 Thanks for last night. 30 31 Sleepy, Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Happy, Dopey, Bashful 32% 33 LEPROSY 34Leprosy, all my skin is falling off of me. 35I'm not half the man I used to be. 36Oh, how did I get leprosy? 37 38Syphilis, it all started with a simple kiss. 39Now it even hurts to take a piss. 40Oh why did I get syphilis? 41 42Why'd she have VD? I don't know, she wouldn't say. 43I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday ... 44 -- To the tune of "Yesterday" 45% 46 My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things] 47Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers 48Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars 49Reds and peyote to work out your bugs 50These are a few of my favorite drugs. 51 52Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout 53Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out 54Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs 55These are a few of my favorite drugs. 56 57Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys 58Users of heroin, often called junkies 59Methadone helps then to stop being thugs 60Takes them off one of my favorite drugs. 61 62 On a bad trip 63 When the cops come 64 When I lose my head 65 I simply take more of my favorite drugs 66 And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead! 67% 68 NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY: 69"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on a 70short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her 71promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of 72our "Big John" doll.) 73% 74 THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF 75 76An amalgamation of the Creation Science Research Foundation and the Flat Earth 77Society, The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all 78who do not allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs. 79In addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the following 80beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as correct Church dogma: 81 82 --That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from 83 which UFOs come. 84 --That pi equals precisely 3.000. 85 --That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully 86 squared the circle. 87 --That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job. 88 89Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being studied, 90including Reaganomics and that the moon landings were done in a Hollywood 91special effects studio. These will be the subject of some forthcoming Papal 92Bull. 93% 94 The Snack 95Oh my God, screamed Mommy, You went and ate the Baby. 96 97What baby? asked Daddy. You know that's just the last of the leftover donkey. 98 99Donkey, my ass! said Mommy with some sentience. Do you think I don't 100 recognize my own baby? Why I can still see his little privates 101 caught in the gap between your front teeth. How many times have 102 I told you to take only what's on the *top* two shelves of the freezer? 103 104But there wasn't a thing to eat, cried Daddy. 105 And am I not the master of my own? 106 107Nothing to eat? 108 What about the elephant testicles in aspic that I put up for you 109 just last week in the ball jar? Our very first baby, too, wailed 110 Mommy, that I was saving for Christmas dinner. 111 112Testicles, testicles, said Daddy. A man gets tired of testicles. 113 -- L.L. Zeiger 114% 115 ... But among the children of the Great Society there were 116those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, 117and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat ... 118 Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and 119they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my 120people go to the front of the bus." 121 But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all 122deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove 123yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like 124unto a snowball in Hell." 125 -- "The Begatting of a President" 126% 127 A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear looks 128over at the rabbit and asks, "Say, does shit ever stick to your fur?" 129 "No." 130 So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit. 131% 132 A business executive is consumed by jealousy: he suspects his wife 133of cheating on him. The suspicion grows and grows, and one morning as he 134drives to work he can't take it any more. He thinks to himself, "she 135probably just waited until I left so she could meet with her lover." 136 When he gets to his office, he calls home. The maid answers. He 137says, "Hello. Is my wife there?" 138 "Yes, sir", the maid whispers. 139 "Is she with her lover?" 140 The maid pauses, and then says, "Yes, sir, she is, and I must say 141that I feel terrible about how she treats you." 142 The man yells, "That no good **#*&!!. If you feel as badly as you 143say you do, you must do this for me: go to my dresser and get my gun. Check 144to make sure that it's loaded. Then go upstairs and shoot both that cheating 145two-timing whore and her lover. Dispose of the gun, and then come back to 146the phone and tell me that it's over. Don't worry -- I'll protect you." 147The man hears footsteps, a drawer being opened, a click, more footsteps, 148silence... and then two shots. More footsteps. Finally the maid comes back 149to the phone and says "It's done." 150 The man asks, "What did you do with the gun?" 151 "I threw it behind the statue in the garden", the maid replies. 152 "Statue in the garden? Say, what number is this, anyway?" 153% 154 A cowboy, his horse and his dog were captured by hostile Indians. 155This wasn't really a problem for the animals as the Indians can always use 156them, but the cowboy is informed that he will be burned at the stake the 157following sunrise. That evening, the Indian chief tells the cowboy that 158he can one last wish, within reason, of course, before meeting his fate 159the following morning. The cowboy replies that all he really wants is to 160see his faithful dog, Rex, one last time. When the dog is brought by the 161Indians, the cowboy hugs his companion and whispers something into his ear. 162At once the dog runs off over the hill. Amazingly enough, a few hours later, 163he returns, accompanied by some two dozen prostitutes from a nearby town. 164Needless to say, the braves are delighted and as a reward offer the cowboy 165his dog to keep him company through the rest of the night. When the dog is 166brought forth the cowboy again runs his hand over Rex's head and then bends 167down to whisper into his ear: "This may be my last chance, Rex, so get it 168right this time -- go into town and get the posse!" 169% 170 A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did 171for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do 172all day?" 173 Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." 174 "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" 175 Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a 176mailman." 177 "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" 178 Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a 179whorehouse." 180 The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. 181Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father 182answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded 183an explanation. 184 Billy's father replied, "Well, I'm really an attorney. But how do 185you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old child?" 186% 187 A great American Olympic wrestler was receiving last-minute advice 188from his coach about the upcoming match with the Soviet Champion. 189 "This Russian guy is really good, very strong and quick. But I think 190you can take him. Remember, though, like I've told you before, don't let 191him get you in the Pretzel hold. With his strength you'd never get out." 192 The American leaps onto the mat, and within moments the two behemoths 193are going crazy, struggling to get each other pinned. The American slowly 194gains ground and appears that he might actually win on points alone, when, in 195the blink of an eye, the Russian reverses him and whips him into the fatal 196Pretzel hold. 197 The coach, off by the side, shakes his head in dismay, and sits down 198on the bench with his head between his hands. All of a sudden, there's a 199scream and the two wrestlers fly apart, the American regaining control and 200pinning the Russian. After the match, in the dressing room, the coach 201finally gets the winner alone. "Great job! But how the hell did you get out 202of the Pretzel Hold? I thought it was over for sure!" 203 "Well, I did too. I was in the hold, about to be pinned, when I saw 204this huge pair of testicles hanging right in front of my eyes. I figured 205what the hell, so I stretched forward and bit them as hard as I could. Coach, 206you just don't know your own strength 'til you've bitten your own balls!" 207% 208 A guy finishes his 9 to 5, but, instead of going straight home, stops 209in at a local bar for a drink. He gets his beer, turns around to sit down, 210and finds himself face to face with a ravishing blonde. The two strike up a 211conversation, and really hit it off. After a couple drinks they leave the bar 212go back to her pad, to peruse her etchings. Which doesn't take long -- by 213seven they were happily engaged in intimate scratching. 214 'Round about midnight the guy rolled over in bed and spotted the clock: 215"Midnight! Already! I gotta get home! Honey, you have any baby powder?" 216He jumps out of bed and starts pulling his pants on, trying to find his shoes. 217 "Baby powder?" she asks. But she comes back from the bathroom and 218hands him the powder. He frantically shakes it all over his hands, kisses her 219goodbye, and runs out the front door. 220 He gets home, and sure enough, there's his wife, waiting in the 221doorway. 222 "Okay," she mutters, "let's have it." 223 "Well," he says sheepishly, looking down at his feet. "Okay. I went 224to a bar after work and met a gorgeous blonde and we really hit it off. We 225had a few drinks and went back to her place, and well, see..." 226 "Oh yeah?" she says, "let me see your hands... Don't you lie to me! 227You've been bowling again!" 228% 229 A man came home from work and as he entered the house he yelled, 230"Hi, honey, I'm home." 231 There was no response. He walked through the house and saw a note 232on the refrigerator. It read "I'm out with the girls and I'll be home about 2338. Either fix yourself something to eat, or wait for me and we'll eat when 234I get home." 235 Well, he decided to wait until his wife returned. However, his 236stomach started to growl and he remembered that he had an apple left over 237from his lunch. He got the apple, polished it a little, and heard the 238doorbell ring. He went to the door and there stood a little blond haired 239girl holding out a little paper bag. "Trick or treat", she said. 240 He looked at the girl, looked at the apple, thought how hungry he 241was, looked at the girl again, and with a slight sigh dropped his apple in 242the bag. The little girl looked down in the bag, looked up again, and 243complained, "You stupid son-of-a-bitch. You broke my cookies!" 244% 245 A man dies and is getting his tour of heaven. His guide is pointing 246out the various features and landmarks when the man asks, "What's that cliff?" 247 "Oh, you don't want to look down there. That's hell!" 248 The man creeps up to the edge and looks over. He sees lush, green 249valleys, verdant farmland and trees everywhere. "This doesn't look so bad," 250he says. 251 Puzzled, the guide comes over and looks down. "Damn!" he snaps, 252"Those Mormons have been irrigating again!" 253% 254 A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots and 3 beers. The 255bartender, seeing that the man is distraught, asks what the problem is. 256 "I just found out that my brother is gay", he replies. 257 About a week later, the same man walks in and orders 6 shots and 2586 chasers. So the bartender inquires, "What's wrong this time?" 259 To which the man says, "I just found out that two of my brothers 260are lovers." 261 Another week goes by and the man comes back to the bar and orders 262NINE shots and NINE beers. The bartenders says "Damn, boy, doesn't anyone 263in your family like pussy?" 264 "Yeah. Me and my sister." 265% 266 A man walks into a bar and says: "I'd like a shot of twelve-year-old 267Scotch". The bartender, who figures the guy is just being obnoxious, reaches 268down under the bar and pours him a shot of bar Scotch. The man takes one sip 269and says: "Hey, bartender, I asked you for some twelve-year-old Scotch -- this 270is eight-year-old Scotch." 271 The bartender reaches behind the bar for the twelve-year-old Scotch, 272pours a shot, hands it to the man and says "I've got to hand it to you -- 273most guys who come in here asking for twelve-year-old Scotch have never even 274had it -- they're just being pricks. But you really know your Scotch -- this 275is on the house." 276 A drunk has been sitting at the other end of the bar watching this 277conversation. He walks up to the man, hands him a glass and says "Taste this." 278The man does -- and spits it out yelling, "This tastes like piss!" To which 279the drunk replies, "It is -- but how old am I?" 280% 281 A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder. He walks 282up to the bar and sits down, ordering a beer for himself and one for the 283little Leprechaun. 284 After a few beers, the Leprechaun jumps down off the guy's shoulder, 285struts down the bar and comes to a stop in front of a rather large construction 286worker. Looking the guy right in the eye, he gives him a rather large, damp, 287Bronx cheer. And trots back to sit on his buddy's shoulder. The worker is 288pretty upset, but decides to shine on this rather offensive breach of manners. 289 After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and 290walks over to his previous victim and goes "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT" again. 291Well, that's too much, and the victim knocks the Leprechaun off the bar and, 292after walking over to stand very close to the Leprechaun's escort, tells him 293in a rather overloud voice, that if it happens again, he's going to "cut off 294his little dick!" 295 Replies the escort, "Leprechauns don't have dicks." 296 "Yeah? Well, then," asks the big man, how does he take a piss?" 297 "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT!!!!" 298% 299 A man was just settling down into his seat for a cross-country 300flight when he noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him, wearing a 301large button with the letters "NAA" on it. 302 "What's that?" he asked, pointing to her button. 303 "Nymphomaniacs Association of America" she replied. 304 After a moments thought he said, "Well, if you wouldn't mind my 305asking, but I've always wanted to know, who are the best, ummm, `endowed' 306men?" 307 "Well, it's not what you think. Native Americans. They're better 308hung than *anybody*." 309 "And is it true that the French are the best lovers?" 310 "No, Jewish men. Once you finally get them going they can last 311all night. By the way, my name is Sue. What's yours?" 312 "Running Bear Sheldon." 313% 314 A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA. 315He arrived in Needles, CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some 316gas. When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights 317were off. Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside. He wasn't sure 318what he'd heard, so he rolled down his window and heard a faint cry, 319"Help... help... help". He got out of his car, and sure enough there was 320a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his 321ankles. He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?" 322 "These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my 323clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!" 324 "Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants. "This just 325hasn't been your day, has it?" 326% 327 A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this 328particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the 329man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very 330fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, 331felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under 332the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?" 333 Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as 334quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, 335"I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?" 336 With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd 337like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!" 338% 339 A Mexican and a Texan worked together for a construction firm, and, 340while they were good friends, they had a friendly rivalry over whose wife 341was the better cook. One weekend, as the Texan's wife was out of town, the 342Mexican invited the Texan to have supper with his family. 343 The Texan accepted, and that evening sat down to some the best stew 344that he had ever eaten. 345 "Damn! That stew is fantastic!" he exclaimed to his host. "What 346kind of meat is it?" 347 "Rabbeet stew," replied the Mexican. 348 "Rabbit?" replied the Texan. "There aren't any rabbits around here." 349 "Si, my freend, the rabbeets make the beeg noise, and I shoot theem." 350 "Rabbits don't make any noise..." 351 "Si, my freend, they say meeyow, meeyow!" 352% 353 A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office. The mother 354asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange 355symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said. 356 The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced, 357"Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant." 358 The mother gasped. "That's nonsense!" she said. "Why, my little 359girl has never even been out with a man, let alone... let alone..." She 360turns to the girl and said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!" 361 "Yes, Mumsy," said the girl. "Doctor, I have never so much as 362kissed a man!" 363 The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again. Then, 364silently he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued 365staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something 366wrong out there?" 367 "No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything 368like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if 369another one was going to show up." 370% 371 A proper elderly English couple visiting Australia decided to hire a 372car to take a look at the outback. "We know it's rough country, but it's safe 373and decent, isn't it?" the husband inquired of the rental-agency manager. 374Upon being assured that it was, the couple drove off. 375 Later that day, they returned, upset and angry. "You said it was 376decent country," the Englishwoman upbraided the rental agent, "but we hadn't 377driven too far when we saw a man in a field copulating with a kangaroo!" 378 "And not too long after that," complained her husband, "a one-legged 379aborigine leaning against a tree by the side of the road grinningly waved 380at us with one hand while he brazenly masturbated himself with the other!" 381 "Guv'nor," responded the Aussie, "yer wouldn't expect a poor bugger 382like that, with only one leg, to catch a 'roo, would you?" 383% 384 A secretary entered her boss's office with the announcement: "I have 385some good news and some bad news." 386 He muttered, "It's quarterly report day, Sally -- just the good news." 387 She replied, "You're not sterile." 388% 389 A sociologist, a psychologist, and an engineer were discussing the 390consequences and implications of a married man's having a mistress. The 391sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable 392for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly 393and lustful pursuits. 394 The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible, 395if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being, 396then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he 397is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife. 398 The engineer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary, 399a married man is entitled to a mistress. However, I do not see why the 400affair should be concealed from the wife. On the contrary, if the affair 401is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife that he 402is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be with 403his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!" 404% 405 A strange looking white man came to the Indian reservation looking 406for a job. He asked to talk to the Chief of the tribe, so he might give his 407qualifications. The Chief strode forward from the group surrounding the 408white man and said: "You leave! No job!" 409 The man explained that this was no ordinary job he was seeking, but 410that of tribe Medicine-Man. He would convince him if the Chief would allow 411him to demonstrate his magic. "No magic!" said the disbelieving Chief. 412 "Oh, yeah?", said the stranger. "I'll prove it to you by making 413your dog, here, talk!" 414 "Dog, no talk!" responded the Chief, but before he could finish, he 415heard a voice coming out of the mouth of the dog saying, "The Chief treats me 416good. He feeds me, and keeps me in teepee when it snows!" 417 "If you still have doubts as to my magic," continued the stranger, 418"the next voice you'll hear will be that of your horse!" 419 "Horse, no talk!" argued the still-sceptical Chief, but again he 420heard a voice that said: "I am the Chief's favorite horse. He takes me up to 421the green pasture to eat and brushes my coat when I get dirty." 422 The stranger, still seeing some disbelieving faces, claimed for his 423final trick he would make the Chief's sheep talk. 424 "NO!" cried the Chief, "SHEEP LIE!" 425% 426 A ten-year-old kid came home from school one day, and when his mom 427asked how was school he says: "Gee, great, mom. I got laid!" 428 She's shocked and sends him upstairs, where his dad finds him after 429work. "Mommy told me about your day at school, Billy, and I think we men 430should keep it a secret. Women just don't understand these things." 431 So every night Dad goes up to Billy's room after Mom tucks him in: 432"You get laid today, Billy?" 433 "Yeah, Dad." 434 "How was it?" 435 "Real neat, Dad, I liked it a lot." 436 "Good Boy!". 437 A month later: "You get laid today?" 438 "No, Dad." 439 "No? How come?" 440 "Gee, Dad, my ass is getting really sore." 441% 442 A white man was traveling with Indian (American) out West. The 443Indian stops, puts his ear to the ground, and says, "Buffalo come." 444 The white man looks around in all directions, sees nothing for 445miles and asks the Indian how the hell he knows that. 446 Replies the Indian, "Ear wet." 447 -- Lily Tomlin, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent 448 Life in the Universe" 449% 450 A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park. 451They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate 452love. Shortly thereafter, as they were driving away, the young man turned 453to her and said, "If I had known you were a virgin, I'd have taken more time." 454 She replied, "If I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off 455my pantyhose." 456% 457 A young man asked his father to lend him $50 for a blowjob, 458whereupon his father solemnly replied, "When I was young we used to 459settle for a kiss." 460 The son retorted, "OK, how about $50 for a long low kiss?" 461% 462 All he did was take the ball and run every time they called his 463number -- which came to be more and more often, and in the Super Bowl Thomas 464was the whole show. But the season is now over; the purse is safe in the 465vault; and Duane Thomas is facing two to twenty for possession. Nobody really 466expects him to serve time, but nobody seems to think he'll be playing for 467Dallas next year either, and a few sporting people who claim to know how the 468NFL works say he won't be playing for ANYBODY next year; that the Commissioner 469is outraged at this mockery of all those Government-sponsored "Beware of Dope" 470TV shots that dressed up the screen last autumn. 471 We all enjoyed those spots, but not everyone found them convincing. 472Here was a White House directive saying several million dollars would be spent 473to drill dozens of Name Players to stare at the camera and try to stop grinding 474their teeth long enough to say they hate drugs of any kind... and then the best 475running back in the world turns out to be a goddamn uncontrollable drugsucker. 476 But not for long. There is not much room for freaks in the National 477Football League. Joe Namath was saved by the simple blind luck of getting 478drafted by a team in New York City, a place where social outlaws are not 479always viewed as criminals. But Namath would have had a very different trip 480if he'd been drafted by the St. Louis Cardinals. 481 -- Hunter S. Thompson 482% 483 An Aggie was appointed ambassador to Japan. Two weeks before 484officially reporting to the embassy, he went from geisha house to geisha 485house. While making love to a geisha girl, he heard her repeat, "Yaki-san, 486yaki-san." 487 Right away the Aggie thought to himself, "I've learned my first 488Japanese word. It must be an expression of joy." 489 When he reported to the embassy, he received his first assignment, 490which was to escort the prime minister of Japan around the golf course. 491After having played a couple of holes, the prime minister teed-off and made 492a hole-in-one. The prime minister jumped up and down shouting, "Bonsai! 493Bonsai!" 494 Quickly, thinking that this was the perfect chance to show off the 495new Japanese word that he'd learned, the Aggie exclaimed, "Yaki-san, 496yaki-san!" 497 The prime minister turned to the Aggie in surprise and exclaimed, 498"What do you mean, wrong hole?" 499% 500 An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial 501city and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish 502arrived he asked what kind of meat it contained. "These, senor," explained 503the waiter in halting English, "are the cojones -- the, what you say, the 504testicles -- of the bull killed in the ring today. 505 The tourist gulped but tasted the dish and found it delicious. 506Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. When it was 507served, he commented to the waiter, "But these -- these cojones -- are 508much smaller than the ones I had yesterday." 509 "True, senor, but the bull -- he does not ALWAYS lose." 510% 511 An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a 512man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by. "Your names please?" 513said the soldier. 514 "My name is Mary," said the woman. 515 "And mine is Joseph," said the man. 516 "Oh," said the soldier, a little taken aback, "And where are you 517going?" 518 "To Bethlehem." 519 "Your reason for going there?" 520 "To pay our taxes to the government." 521 "Tell me," said the soldier, "are you going to name the baby Jesus?" 522 "Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto 523Ricans?" 524% 525 An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the 526remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, 527"I have a dead pussy." 528 The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, 529"Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common." 530% 531 And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" 532 They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the 533ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our 534very selfhood revealed." 535 And Jesus replied, "What?" 536% 537 Are you a Young Urban Professional Woman? If so, you know how 538Yuppie women are; cold, ruthless bitches with no time for love, and only 539an occasional weekend for sex. Your one "hot date" with Joe Fastrack, 540rising corporate star, ended in disaster. Yesterday you heard him telling 541a friend over lunch, "The woman must masturbate with popsicles!" Well, 542all is not lost! SofSqueeze can change your nickname to Electrolux in just 54315 minutes a day! 544 SofSqueeze is a pressure sensitive device (divided into appropriate 545sections) that plugs into the serial port of most home computers. Through 546the magic of biofeedback, SofSqueeze teaches you control over your vaginal 547muscles. With our exciting, easy-to-follow software you'll master the 548"Cincinnati Squeeze", the "Irresistible", the "California Crusher", and, 549of course, the perennial favorite, "Milking Time Down on the Farm". Or, 550using our exclusive Interactive Mode, invent your own! 551 SofSqueeze is made of sturdy ABS plastic, and is completely 552immersible for easy cleaning. SofSqueeze's flesh-toned exterior is finely 553textured for a realistic effect. Requires 4K RAM, a DB25 serial port and 554limited graphics capability. Comes fully assembled, with 4 AA batteries. 555% 556 Attracted by repeated newspaper advertisements, and realizing that 557his waist had gone both East and West despite his daily racquetball, a young 558executive appeared at a local health resort. Looking over the several weight 559loss plans offered, he selected one guaranteed to reduce his weight by two 560pounds per day. After a light breakfast, and an almost non-existent lunch, he 561was escorted to a large room, where a young, attractive woman told him that 562"if he caught her, he could have her". After an hour of hard running, he 563finally gave up; and weighing himself, was comforted to realize that he had 564lost just under three pounds. Returning the next week, he chose the plan that 565was to reduce his weight by four pounds per session. After following the same 566regimen, he was again escorted to a large room, but after two hours of running, 567he caught the young woman. Weight loss, just over four pounds. Returning the 568following week, he chose to lose eight pounds in a single day. He was shown 569to the largest room he'd seen, by far, where he was confronted by an extremely 570muscular, burly man, who looked him square in the eye, flung his towel into 571a corner, and snarled, "You know the rules. Start running!" 572% 573 Barbra Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American 574Indians. After a tour of a reservation they were on, she was curious as to 575the number of feathers in the headdresses. She asked a brave who had only 576one feather in his headdress. His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me 577have only one feather." She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow 578was only joking. This brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied, 579"Me have four feathers, because me sleep with four squaws." 580 Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of 581squaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a 582headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters. 583Ms. W: "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?" 584Chief: "Me Chief, me fuck-em all, big, small, fat, tall, 585 me fuck-em all." 586Ms. W: "You ought to be hung!" 587Chief: "You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake." 588Ms. W: "You don't have to be so hostile!" 589Chief: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all." 590Ms. W: "Oh, dear!" 591Chief: "No deer, me no fuck deer. Asshole too high and fuckers run 592 too fast." 593% 594 Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife, 595Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and 596subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this 597sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste 598treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world. To you." 599 Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's 600blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off. 601Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to 602see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him. 603 "What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king. 604 "My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!" 605% 606 Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best 607friend asked him how it went. 608 "The first night we did it nine times," Bill said. "The second 609night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six 610times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the 611last night, nothing!" 612 "Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?" 613 "Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?" 614% 615 "Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your 616penis?" 617 "Uh, not right now." 618 "Tsk, tsk. A girl has to have *some* standards." 619 -- "Real Genius" 620% 621 Churchill was known to drain a glass or two and, after one 622particularly convivial evening, he chanced to encounter Miss Bessie Braddock, 623a Socialist member of the House of Commons, who, upon seeing his condition, 624said, "Winston, you're drunk." Mustering all his dignity, Churchill drew 625himself up to his full height, cocked an eyebrow and rejoined, "Shove it up 626your ass, you ugly cunt." 627 When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to 628the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if 629you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "You and 630your play can go fuck yourselves." 631 At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table 632to remark, "If you were my husband, Winston, I'd poison your coffee." "And 633if you were my wife, I'd beat the shit out of you," came Churchill's 634unhesitating retort. 635 -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon 636% 637 "Daddy?" 638 "Yes son." 639 "Wha-wha-wha-what does regret mean?" 640 "Well, son, a funny thing about regret is that it's better to regret 641something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done. And by 642the way, if you see your Mom this weekend, would you be sure and tell her, 643`SATAN, SATAN, SATAN!!!'" 644 -- Butthole Surfers, "Sweat Loaf" 645% 646 "Darling", said the young bride, "tell me what's bothering you. 647We promised to share all our joys and sorrows, remember?" 648 "But this is different," protested her husband. 649 "Together, darling," she insisted, "we will bear the burden. 650Now tell me what our problem is." 651 "Well," said the husband, "we've just become the father of a 652bastard child." 653% 654 Desperate about the state of her social life, a young woman resorted 655to the Personal Ads in the back of her local paper. In the ad she made it 656quite clear that what she was advertising for was an expert lover; she already 657had plenty of sensitive friends and meaningful relationships and what she 658now wanted was to get laid, to put it bluntly. Phone calls started coming 659in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck 660the young woman's fancy. Until one night her doorbell rang. Opening the door 661she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in 662response to her advertisement. "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my 663ad was quite explicit. I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert, 664and you... uh... don't have all the..." 665 "Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" 666% 667 During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her 668husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!" Then, turning to the counselor, 669she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!" 670% 671 Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a 672blizzard. He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that, 673while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter. She proved 674to be eighteen and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a 675pass at the daughter. "Stop that!" she said. "I'll call my father." 676 He desisted. But half an hour later he made another attempt. "Uh, 677stop ... that," she said. "I'll call my father." 678 But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try. This time, no 679protest, no threat. Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she 680tugged at his pajama sleeve. "Could we do that again?" she asked. 681 Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the 682tug at his sleeve. "Again?" 683 And again Ed obliged. But when his sleep was once more interrupted 684by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her 685and mumbled, "Stop that! Or I'll call your father." 686% 687 Elroy stared at Barb and then leaned quietly over to Shake Tiller 688and stuck out his hand. "Son," he said. "Tell the truth. It ain't better 689than fried chicken, is it?" 690 Shake looked solemnly at Elroy, clasping his hand, and said: 691 "I got to be dead honest, Roy." 692 And Elroy said yeah, lay it on him. 693 Shake said slowly, "For a Lesbian who gave up the only real love she 694ever knew -- Sister Francis at Our Lady of Victory -- and for a person who 695can't make it any more with nothing but an electric toothbrush, she's the 696finest I've ever had." 697 -- Dan Jenkins, "Semi-Tough" 698% 699 Ever thought of putting a ferret down your pants? Yes, ferrets, 700those weasel-like animals originally trained to hunt rats and possessing 701needle sharp claws and razor sharp teeth. The English do it for sport. 702 Ferret Legging involves the tying of a competitor's trousers at 703the ankles and then dropping into the trousers a couple of vicious ferrets. 704No jockstraps or underwear allowed -- nothing but the bodies' own. The 705ferrets must be young and in good condition. Neither the ferret or the 706contestant may be drugged or drunk -- cold eyed sober only. The trousers 707should be loose fitting, to allow the ferret to scramble from one leg to 708the other, and are traditionally white, so that the blood shows better. 709 Normal contestants are able to keep them down for up to 40 seconds. 710The champion ferret legger, Reg Mellor, of Yorkshire, holds the world record 711of 5 hours and 26 minutes. Mr. Mellor's claims that being the champion is 712not so much heroism but, "You just got to be able to have your tool bitten 713and not care." 714% 715 Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see 716a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a 717baseball. Finally, some brave young man got up the nerve to stop him and 718ask, "What happened to give you such a small head?" 719 The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach, 720which produced a beautiful genie when rubbed. The genie said, "I now give 721you one wish. Do you want a quick fuck or a little head?" 722% 723 Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman, 724obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance 725floor like a 20-year old. Finally curiosity got the best of the cigarette 726girl. "I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman 727of your age living it up like a youngster. Tell me, are all of your faculties 728unimpaired?" 729 The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head. "Not 730all, I'm afraid." he said. "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a 731girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place 732about two A.M. We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon 733as my head hit the pillow. I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl." 734 "Why, George," she said in surprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago." 735 "So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to 736fail me." 737% 738 Farmer Johnson was drunk again. 739 "You know, Anna," he said to his long-suffering wife, "if you could 740only lay eggs we could get rid of all those damn chickens." 741 Anna said nothing. Farmer Johnson tried again. "You know, Anna, if 742only you could give milk we could get rid of that expensive herd of cows." 743 Anna looked at him coolly. "You know, Jack," she said, "if only you 744could get it up once in a while we could get rid of your brother Bob." 745% 746 "First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight," 747said the guy aggressively. 748 "Oh, no, you're not," said the girl. 749 "Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in 750town." 751 "Oh, no, you won't." 752 "Then I'll take you to my apartment and mix up a pitcher of daiquiris." 753 "Oh, no, you won't." 754 "Then I'm going to make violent, mad, passionate love to you." 755 "Oh, no, you're not." 756 "And I'm not going to take any precautions either!" said the guy. 757 "Oh, yes, you are!!" said the girl. 758% 759 For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief 760vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an 761affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting 762few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped 763short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! 764 "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" 765he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, 766and the baby would have my name!" 767 "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, 768we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and finally decided it would be 769better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer." 770% 771 "God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no 772matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly 773pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent 774merriment. 775 "Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone 776agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and 777lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects, 778though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along 779innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they 780were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one." 781 -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" 782% 783 Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his 784proposal of marriage as he was pretty sensitive about his artificial leg 785and afraid that no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself 786to tell his fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, 787nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. 788All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which 789she blushed and smiled bewitchingly. 790 The wedding came and went, and the young couple were at last alone 791in their honeymoon suite. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big 792surprise," smiled the bride. 793 Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his 794leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump. 795 "Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the 796Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!" 797% 798 "Hello, Police Department." 799 "This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court. I've just been sexually 800molested by a pervert, right here in my own home. It was horrifying!" 801 "Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it." 802 "Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask. I was napping 803on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything. 804Suddenly he had his great big old calloused hand over my mouth, holding me down. 805I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off. I was so frightened! He 806held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly. What could I do? I 807couldn't stop him. He was huge. A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty 808pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible. He had an 809erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my 810throat; forced me to suck it. Yes, officer! There was no escaping this man. 811Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on 812my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to 813say it, he put that huge thing... It must have been a foot long, and I don't 814know how thick... into my... Just a minute." 815 "What's the matter, mister?" 816 "Listen, I have to hang up now, he's getting out of the shower." 817% 818 "I know a life of crime led me to this sorry state. I blame 819society. Society made me what I am today!" 820 "That's bullshit Archie. You're just a young suburban punk 821like me." 822 "It still... hurts... auugghh!" 823 "You're going to be okay..." 824 "...gurgle..." 825 "... maybe not." 826 -- Repo Man 827% 828 "I need a camel that can go without water for at least three weeks," 829the American said to an Algerian camel merchant. "Is it possible?" 830 "All things are possible," replied the merchant. He proceeded to 831take a camel out of his barn and lead him to a tank of water. After the 832camel had drunk its fill and was about to lift its head out of the tank, 833the merchant picked up two nearby bricks, one in each hand, stepped behind 834the camel, and smacked his testicles with the bricks. 835 The camel let out a gigantic "Whhoooosh!" and sucked up what seemed 836like twenty more gallons of water. 837 The American stared incredulously at the camel merchant. "My God, 838man!" he exclaimed, "doesn't that hurt?!" 839 The merchant shrugged. "Only if you get your thumbs in between the 840bricks." 841% 842 "I think my wife may be getting somewhat overweight. 843 "Oh, how can you tell?" 844 "Well, last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't 845hear the stereo." 846% 847 In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was 848without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So 849they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, 850and it stinks." 851 852 And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying, 853"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now, 854the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a 855container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide 856before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto 857the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer 858and none may abide by its strength." 859 860 And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the 861Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and 862it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto 863the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the 864growth of the Laboratories." 865 866 And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that 867it was Good! 868% 869 It seems there were two young Marines walking down the street, and 870they chanced upon a lady who was both very proper and very well endowed. 871One of them said, "Wow! What tits! Hey lady, would I love to snuggle up with 872them for awhile. What are you doing this afternoon?" 873 Well, the other Marine thought that was just about the most shameful 874thing he had ever witnessed, and felt that he had to restore the honor of the 875Corps. "Pardon my friend, Ma'am," he apologized, "He's not been very well 876brought up and don't know how to talk to cunt." 877% 878 It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year. I was driving 879in downtown Atlantis. My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented 880Stingray, and it was overheating. So I pulled into a Shell station. They 881said I'd blown a seal. I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my private 882life out of it, okay, pal?" While they were doing that, I walked over to the 883Oyster Bar. A real dive. But I knew the owner. He used to play for the 884Dolphins. I said "Hi, Gil!" You have to yell -- he's hard of herring. 885 -- Kip Addotta, "Wet Dream" 886% 887 It was in a bar in midtown Manhattan and the Frenchman and the 888American were talking about love over some dry Martinis. "Deed you know, 889sir," the Frenchman said, "that een my country thair are 79 different 890ways how to make the REAL, passionate luff?" 891 "Do tell?" said the American. "Well, that's amazing. In this 892country there's only one." 893 "Just one?" the Frenchman said, condescendingly. "And what eez 894that?" 895 "Well, there's a man and a woman, and --" 896 "Sacre bleu!!" exclaimed the Frenchman. "Numbair 80!" 897% 898 "Jean, what is this attraction between Catholic girls and 899Jewish men?" 900 "You really want to know?" 901 "Yeah." 902 "Well, Carol, Jewish men are great in bed... right, Bob? And 903Catholic girls fuck like bunnies." 904% 905 Many lower life forms demonstrate qualities that, at first, just don't 906seem survival oriented. For instance, the female praying mantis, after mating 907with, well, her mate, will devour him. For the male praying mantis, however, 908it's a catch-22. If he mates, he gets screwed out of an opportunity to mate 909again. If he doesn't mate, he doesn't reproduce, ending his family tree. This 910suicidal behavior is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome -- and many 911life forms are periodically subject to its wrath. How did the preying mantis 912become stuck in such an awful, vicious cycle? This is probably what happened: 913 The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis. After 914some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphragm) they mate. 915The female mantis, her lust for... lust being satisfied, relaxes while the 916male raids the refrigerator and returns home. This behavior continues until 917the male and female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship. Then the 918male establishes a new pattern of behavior: Football on Mondays, baseball on 919Tuesdays, happy hour on Wednesdays, uh, well, uh, working-late-at-the-office 920on Thursdays, etc. etc. The female tolerates this for awhile, then files for 921a divorce. After a long court battle, she concludes one thing: It simplifies 922matters tremendously to just eat him when you're done with him. 923 Well, through the centuries of evolution, the Preying Mantis Syndrome 924has been carried up to the highest life forms, as well as to humans. That is 925why, one week out of every month, the female of the species will feel compelled 926to bite the head off of the male. The Syndrome is inescapable, but when it 927occurs in the female of our species, it's best to just avoid them for a while. 928% 929 Mr. Hersh came home to find his wife sitting naked in front of the 930mirror, admiring her breasts. 931 "And what do you think you're doing?" he asked. 932 "I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a 933twenty-five-year-old." 934 "Oh yeah? And what did he have to say about your forty-year-old 935ass?" 936 "Nothing," she replied. "Your name didn't come up at all." 937% 938 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. 939Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, 940without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In 941an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to 942prison. 943 They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports 944in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get 945them to name their contacts in the liberation movement... Finally they're 946hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced 947to death. 948 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll 949be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have 950any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in 951Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to 952Murray. 953 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he 954spits in the sergeants face. 955 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." 956 -- Arthur Naiman 957% 958 "My husband commits an inconceivable act of perversion with a 959barnyard animal, and it's not central to my case?!" 960 "Not in California." 961% 962 Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the 963people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many 964times a job applicant has had the clap. 965 Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written 966by a professional liar? 967 If the applicant is a man, the employer must ask only one question: 968did the applicant go to TCU? 969 If the applicant is a woman, the employer may simply ask: does she 970have a tongue that can lick the paint off a dormitory wall? 971 -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma" 972% 973 Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of 974bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the 975court had the mightiest "weapon". The first knight stood up and proclaimed 976that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5 977pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the 978women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band 979played appropriate music. 980 Another knight stood up and claimed that he had the mightiest weapon. 981He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth 982rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved 983multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music. 984 After several more knights tried to prove their superiority... the 985King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped 986his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, 987but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffee pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose. 988The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored 989banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen." 990% 991 One day a mother and daughter are walking around a farming community 992and they see a stallion mounting a mare. The daughter takes in the scene and 993turns to her mother. "Mommy, what are those two horses doing?" 994 Her mother hastily answered, "The horse on top hurt its hoof, and the 995one on the bottom is carrying him back to the stable." 996 The daughter shook her head and sadly replied, "Isn't that just the 997way it goes? Try to help someone and you get fucked." 998% 999 One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to 1000seek out a cute little coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli-Amp 1001and took her for a ride on his Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone 1002bridge, around the sine waves, and stopped in the magnetic field by the 1003flowing current. Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's characteristic curves, 1004soon had her fully charged and excited, her resistance to a minimum. He laid 1005her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, and lowered her reluctance. 1006He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it into her socket, 1007connecting them in parallel and began short circuiting her resistance shunt. 1008Fully excited, Milli-Amp mumbled: "OHM-OHM-OHM." 1009 With his tube operating at a maximum and her field vibrating with 1010his current flow, it caused her shunt to overheat, and Micro-Farad was rapidly 1011discharged and drained of every electron. They Fluxed all night trying 1012various connections and sockets until his magnet had a soft core and lost 1013all of its field strength. 1014 Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged her solenoids. 1015With his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to excite his field, 1016so they spent the night reversing polarity and blowing each others fuses. 1017 -- Eddie Currents, "The Sex Life of an Electron" 1018% 1019 One of my favorite Zoo jokes has to do with a woman who, while 1020visiting the zoo, decided to have a little fun with the Gorilla. She walks 1021up to his cage, reaches in, and begins to fondle the beast. Needless to 1022say, the animal becomes quite excited, and as he tries to reciprocate in 1023kind, the woman steps back and gives him a raspberry...! 1024 The gorilla becomes enraged. He rips the bars from his cage, grabs 1025the woman, drags her back into the cage, and ravishes her. While doing so, 1026he inflicts a great deal of harm upon her person. 1027 Later, at the hospital, a neighbor of the woman visits and exclaims, 1028"Oh, you poor dear...! Are you hurt?" 1029 "Hurt!", "Hurt!?" the injured lady sobs, "He doesn't phone. He 1030never writes..." 1031% 1032 One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O' HONEY. So he took his Miss 1033HERSHEY behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of 5th AVENUE and CLARK where he 1034there began to feel her MOUNDS. And that was an ALMOND JOY which definitely 1035made his TOOTSIE ROLL. 1036 He let out a SNICKER as he slipped his BUTTERFINGER up her KIT KAT 1037which of course caused the MILKY WAY. She screamed "OH, HENRY!" as she 1038squeezed his PETER, PAUL and ZAGNUTS and said "you're better then the 3 1039MUSKETEERS." 1040 -- John Volby (Dr. Dirty), "The Candy Bar Poem" 1041% 1042 One spring evening, after a hard rain, grandpa and grandson were 1043sitting out on the porch, talking. Grandpa spied a worm crawling up out 1044of its hole and said to his grandson, "Sonny, if you can get that there 1045worm back down its hole, I'll give you five dollars." 1046 "Sure!", says sonny, and runs in the house. Out he runs an 1047instant later with a can of hairspray, grabs the worm, and sprays it with 1048the hairspray as it dangles earthward. He then slips the stiff worm back 1049into its hole and turns to his grandpa with a huge smile on his face. 1050 "Well, I'll be. That was pretty smart there, boy.", he says. 1051"Here's your fiver.", he adds as he fishes out a bill. By then it's almost 1052dark, and they say their goodnights and part. 1053 The next day sonny's playing out on the porch, and grandpa comes 1054out of the house and gives him a five. "But you gave me my five yesterday, 1055grandpa.", he remarks. 1056 "Yep, I know. This is from your Grandma." 1057% 1058 "Our school, madame, postulates, first of all, that since the 1059science of mathematics is an abstract science, it is best inculcated by 1060some concrete example." 1061 Said the Queen, "But that sounds rather complicated." 1062 "It occasionally leads to complications," Jurgen admitted, "through 1063a choice of the wrong example. But the axiom is no less true." 1064 "Come, then, and sit next to me on this couch if you can find it in 1065the dark; and do you explain to me what you mean." 1066 "Why, madame, by a concrete example I mean one that is perceptible 1067to any of the senses -- as to sight or hearing, or touch --" 1068 "Oh, oh!" said the Queen, "now I perceive what you mean by a concrete 1069example. And grasping this, I can understand that complications must of 1070course arise from a choice of the wrong example." 1071 -- James Branch Cabell, "Jurgen" 1072% 1073 Out on the great American desert one day, a bald eagle reached a 1074state of great libidal distress. Pickings were slim, but in time, he saw a 1075dove flying by. "Better than nothin'", he muttered (birds in jokes can mutter) 1076and swooped down, grabbed the dove and flew to his nest. Feathers flew, and 1077eventually the dove tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted (yes, they 1078shout, too): 1079 "I'm a dove! I've been loved! And I LIKE it!" 1080 Well, this took care of the old boy for a while but soon enough he 1081was at it again. All he could find was a lark, so away he went, and feathers 1082flew and soon the lark tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted: 1083 "I'm a lark! I've been sparked! And I LIKE it!" 1084 As you can guess, some time later our friend was again in need of 1085amor... lib... you know! This time, all that happened by was... a duck! 1086So down he swooped, and feathers flew, and the next thing seen is the duck 1087tottering to the cliffside and shouting: 1088 "I'M A DRAKE! THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE! AND I DON'T LIKE IT!!! 1089% 1090 Overheard in a bar: 1091Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!" 1092Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now." 1093% 1094 People who claim to know jackrabbits will tell you they are primarily 1095motivated by Fear, Stupidity and Craziness. But I have spent enough time in 1096jackrabbit country to know that most of them lead pretty dull lives; they are 1097bored with their daily routines: eat, fuck, sleep, hop around a bush now and 1098then... No wonder some of them drift over the line into cheap thrills once in 1099a while; there has to be a powerful adrenaline rush in crouching by the side of 1100a road, waiting for the next set of headlights to come along, then streaking 1101out of the bushes with split-second timing and making it across to the other 1102side just inches in front of the speeding front wheels. 1103 Why not? Anything that gets the adrenaline moving like a 440 volt 1104blast in a copper bathtub is good for the reflexes and keeps the veins free 1105of cholesterol ... but too many adrenaline rushes in any given time-span has 1106the same bad effect on the nervous system as too many electro-shock treatments 1107are said to have on the brain: after a while you start burning out the 1108circuits. 1109 When a jackrabbit gets addicted to road running, it is only a matter 1110of time before he gets smashed -- and when a journalist turns into a politics 1111junkie he will sooner or later start raving and babbling in print about things 1112that only a person who has Been There can possibly understand. 1113 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: 1114 On the Campaign Trail" 1115% 1116 People who write position papers often find themselves in an 1117enviable position. They are hired to write papers for both sides of the 1118position. 1119 A good position paper will have many words in it like 1120"superincumbence," "egress," and "plurification." 1121 You will not often find the phrase "lightweight dropcase 1122limp-wristed motherfucker" in a serious position paper. 1123 Charts and multiplication tables should always be included in 1124position papers. They should look complicated enough to make Albert 1125Einstein stagger across the room for a Tylenol. 1126 A good position paper will never underestimate the value of a 1127semicolon. 1128 -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma" 1129% 1130 Santa Claus comes down the chimney and the nubile sixteen-year-old 1131has been waiting for him. Santa sees her, and in typically unflappable 1132Santa-style says, "And what do you want for Christmas, little girl?" 1133 The girl, and she's not so little, tells him. Well, Santa is 1134definitely flapped by this, but he manages to come out with, "Ho ho ho, 1135gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know." 1136 The girl, not to be daunted, takes off her robe. "Aw, please stay 1137Santa," she begs. 1138 He replies, "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, 1139you know." 1140 She then takes off her pajama top, her firm pouting breasts pointing 1141at Santa like an accusation. "Aw, please stay Santa," she pleads. 1142 "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know." 1143 Finally, she takes off her pajama bottoms, revealing to Santa her 1144warm mound of delight. "Aw, please stay, Santa," she begs. 1145 Being only mortal, Santa finally gives in, sighing, "Hey hey hey, 1146gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way." 1147% 1148 Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde 1149stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If 1150this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she 1151doesn't deserve to have any." 1152 1153 James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") 1154failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to 1155remark in later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a 1156major general." 1157 1158 (German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, 1159complained, "Only one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a 1160while and then added, "And he didn't understand me." 1161 1162 Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly 1163pointed out of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening 1164sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing 1165more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand 1166on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning 1167out of the car. "Run for your life!" 1168 1169 Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the 1170Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular 1171story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was 1172roused by his wife crying, "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the 1173house." 1174 "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate 1175maybe, but not in the House." 1176 1177% 1178 Shortly after arriving at their honeymoon destination, the 1179still-nervous groom became worried about the state of his bride's innocence. 1180Deciding on a direct confrontation, he quickly undressed, pointed at his 1181exposed manhood and asked his mate, "Do you know what this is?" 1182 Without hesitation, she blushingly answered, "That's a wee-wee." 1183 Delighted at the idea of instructing his naive wife in the ways of 1184love, the husband whispered, "From now on, dearest, this will be called a 1185prick." 1186 "Oh, come now," the girl chided. "I've seen lots of pricks and I 1187assure you, that's a wee-wee." 1188% 1189 Shortly after Churchill had grown a moustache, he was accosted by a 1190certain young lady whose political views were in direct opposition to his 1191own. Fancying herself something of a wag, she exclaimed, "Mr. Churchill, I 1192care for neither your politics nor your moustache." Unabashed, the young 1193statesman regarded her quietly for a moment, then wryly commented, "Suck my 1194dick." 1195 While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was 1196asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers. 1197 "They're assholes, sir," he ventured, then paused briefly and added, with a 1198whimsical smile, "They're assholes." 1199 Churchill was given to reading in the bathtub and, while staying at 1200the White House, he once became so engrossed in an account of the Battle of 1201Fonteney that he forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the 1202upcoming conference in Yalta. At the appointed hour, the President was 1203wheeled into Churchill's quarters only to be informed that the Prime Minister 1204had not finished bathing. Roosevelt was about to apologize for the intrusion 1205and depart when Churchill, puffing his customary cigar, strode into the room 1206stark naked and greeted the nonplussed world leader with a terse, "What are 1207you staring at, homo?" 1208 -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon 1209% 1210 "Sir", said the beggar, "can you spare fifty dollars for a cup of 1211coffee?" 1212 "Fifty dollars for a cup of coffee, one should be sufficient!", 1213answered the gentleman, rather shortly. 1214 "I know", replied the beggar, "but coffee always makes me horny." 1215% 1216 The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't 1217just say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these 1218primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot, 1219and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal 1220saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think 1221you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same 1222time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of 1223Northern Mali that you may be interested in." 1224 So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic 1225publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest 1226naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason 1227naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an 1228article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System 1229Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But 1230others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev. 1231Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked. 1232 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 1233% 1234 The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You 1235claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in 1236his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?" 1237 1238 "Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but 1239not much good in a fight." 1240% 1241 The famous Nell Gwynn, stepping one day from a house where she had 1242made a short visit into her coach, saw a great crowd assembled, and her 1243footman all bloody and dirty; the fellow being asked by his mistress, the 1244reason for his being in that condition, answered, "I have been fighting, 1245madam, with an impudent rascal who called your ladyship a whore." 1246 "You blockhead," replied Mrs. Gwynn, "at this rate you must fight 1247every day of your life; why, you fool, all the world knows it." 1248 "Do they?" cries the fellow, in a muttering voice, after he had shut 1249the coach door, "they shan't call me a whore's footman for all that." 1250 -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones" 1251% 1252 The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint 1253 1254My back aches, my pussy is sore; 1255I simply can't fuck any more; 1256 I'm covered with sweat, 1257 And you haven't come yet, 1258And my God, it's a quarter to four! 1259% 1260 The man standing at the bar (in court, unfortunately) was well- 1261dressed, alert and obviously intelligent. The judge asked him how he 1262pleaded to the charge of rape and, much to the magistrate's surprise, he 1263replied, "Not guilty by reason of insanity, your Honor." 1264 "Insanity?" exclaimed the judge. 1265 "Yes, sir," said the defendant. "I'm just crazy about it." 1266% 1267 The new patron was amazed by the cleanliness of the restaurant. A 1268waiter approached the table. "Good afternoon, sir. What may I serve you?" 1269 "I'll have the steak dinner," the man answered. 1270 As the waiter headed for the kitchen, the diner noticed that he 1271wore a spotless white apron and clean white gloves. Soon the waiter 1272returned, bearing a casserole dish on a cart which he uncovered to reveal 1273two tempting filet mignons. From a covered pocket in his apron he produced 1274a small pair of shining silver tongs and with them he transferred the meat 1275from the steaming casserole to the diner's plate. "We never touch anything 1276with our hands," he explained. 1277 The waiter continued serving. "Confidentially," he said, "we even 1278have a special set of rules about visiting the lavatory. Do you see this 1279little piece of string attached to my apron?" 1280 "Yes," the diner replied. "I noticed that all the aprons had one." 1281 The waiter put a large browned potato on the plate with his tongs. 1282"Well," he began, "if I should have to go to the bathroom, that string 1283comes in very handily. I simply unzip my pants and take it out with that 1284piece of string. That way everything stays sanitary." 1285 "But how do you put it back?" 1286 "Well, I don't know about the other guys," the waiter confided, "but 1287I use the tongs." 1288% 1289 The old mailman is making his last rounds; he retires at the end of 1290the week. As he approaches the Jones' house, Mrs. Jones greets him warmly at 1291the door. "Please come in! We're very grateful for your years of service to 1292us and our neighborhood. I've prepared something special for you." 1293 In walks the mailman, to a graciously appointed dining room, where 1294Mrs. Jones has prepared a sumptuous lunch. After dumping his letter satchel 1295on the couch, he and Mrs. Jones have a charming meal. As the mailman finished 1296his last glass of wine, thanking his hostess profusely, she stops him from 1297leaving and disappears upstairs. She returns in a moment, in a daring 1298negligee, and takes the astonished postman to the bedroom, where the elaborate 1299farewell is consummated between the sheets. 1300 As he's putting his pants on, Mrs. Jones reaches into her nightstand, 1301pulls out a dollar bill, and hands it to him. Reacting to his astonished 1302look, she says, "Well, I told my husband that you were retiring and that 1303we should do something for you. He said 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar!'" 1304She pauses and smiles proudly. "The lunch was MY idea." 1305% 1306 The other day my girlfriend and I were going to a party and on the 1307way there, we got a flat tire. We got out of the car and I pumped, she 1308jacked I pumped, she jacked, I pumped, she jacked and then we changed the 1309tire. Eventually we arrived at the party and when we walked in, everyone was 1310jumping for joy. What a sight seeing her hanging nude from the chandelier! 1311Well the party was OK, I guess, we just sat around drinking sherry and eating 1312candy. Everybody else started feeling merry. Those have got to be the three 1313wildest girls I know. 1314% 1315 The radio was screaming: "Power to the People -- Right On!" John 1316Lennon's political song, ten years too late. "That poor fool should have 1317stayed where he was," said my attorney. "Punks like him only get in the 1318way when they try to be serious." 1319 "Speaking of serious," I said. "I think it's about time to get 1320into the ether and the cocaine." 1321 "Forget ether," he said. "Let's save it for soaking down the rug 1322in the suite. But here's this. Your half of the sunshine blotter. Just 1323chew it up like baseball gum." 1324 I took the blotter and ate it. My attorney was now fumbling with 1325the salt shaker containing the cocaine. Opening it. Spilling it. Then 1326screaming and grabbing at the air, as our fine white dust blew up and out 1327across the desert highway. A very expensive little twister rising up from 1328the Great Red Shark. "Oh, Jesus!" he moaned. "Did you see what God just 1329did to us?" 1330 -- Raoul Duke, "Rolling Stone", issue 95, Nov. 11, 1971 1331% 1332 THE TEN STAGES OF INTOXICATION 1333 1334 1. WITTY AND CHARMING: This is after one or two drinks. The tongue is 1335 loosened and can yet remain in step with the brain. In the "witty 1336 and charming" state, one is likely to use foreign idioms and 1337 phrases such as "au contraire" in place of "No way, Jose" or 1338 "Bullsheyet". 1339 2. RICH AND POWERFUL: By the third drink, you begin mentioning the little 1340 380 SL you've had your eye on down at the Mercedes place. 1341 3. BENEVOLENT: You'll buy her a Mercedes, too. It's only money. 1342 4. JUST ONE MORE AND THEN WE'LL EAT: Stall tactic. 1343 5. TO HELL WITH DINNER: Just one more and then we'll eat. 1344 6. PATRIOTIC: The war stories begin. 1345 7. CRANK UP THE "ENOLA GAY": "We could have won in Nam, but..." 1346 8. INVISIBLE: So this is what the Ladies' Room looks like. 1347 9. WITTY AND CHARMING PART II: You know, you don't sweat much for a fat girl. 134810. BULLETPROOF: Bull-sheyet, gimme them keys, I can drive. 1349 -- Lewis Grizzard, "My Daddy Was a Pistol and I'm a Son 1350 of a Gun". 1351% 1352 The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did 1353wonderfully in time trials. However, in actual races he proved a little too 1354romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare. 1355 So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be 1356castrated. The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue 1357factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was 1358almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career. 1359 After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time 1360trials, and found to do as well as ever. But the first time he actually 1361ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look 1362on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates. 1363 "What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!" 1364 "Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand 1365people took one look at you and shouted `they're off!'?" 1366% 1367 The young man took a blind date to the amusement park. They went 1368for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. 1369"What would you like to do next?" he asked. 1370 "I wanna get weighed," she said. So he took her over to the weight 1371guesser. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that he bought her some 1372popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do. 1373 "I wanna get weighed," she said, bluntly. 1374 I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the boy, and 1375using the excuse that he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. 1376The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's 1377wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?" 1378 "Wousy," said the girl. 1379% 1380 Them Toad Suckers 1381 1382How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods? 1383Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs! 1384 1385Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers, 1386Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers. 1387 1388Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy? 1389Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy! 1390 1391Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south, 1392Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth! 1393 1394How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it, 1395Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it! 1396 -- Mason Williams 1397% 1398 There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism. They go 1399and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain 1400from sex for thirty days. 1401 Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest. He asks 1402the first couple if they passed the test. 1403 "Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month. 1404 "Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter 1405the Church." Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did. 1406 "Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine 1407until the 27th day. My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and 1408I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on. I couldn't 1409stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it 1410to her right there." 1411 "That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows. "I can never let you into 1412the Church after something like that." 1413 "I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us 1414into Safeway anymore either." 1415% 1416 There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Newfoundlander sitting in 1417a bar having a few drinks together. 1418 The Englishman turns to the Frenchman, "So tell me, what do you do to 1419drive your wife wild in bed?" 1420 "Well", replies the Frenchman, "After we make love, I go out to the 1421garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and put them all over 1422her body. then I gently blow them off with a soft, even breath, and that drives 1423her wild with desire." 1424 "Interesting," the Englishman replies. "After my wife and I make love 1425I massage baby oil gently all over her body -- that works for me!" 1426Then the pair turn to the Newfie and ask him what he does. 1427 "Well...", he says, "when me and the old lady are through, I jump 1428out of bed and wipe my dick off on the curtain. And that REALLY drives 1429her wild." 1430% 1431 These two project managers were walking through a residential area 1432one day, when they saw a dog (also male) sitting on a lawn, licking its 1433cock. (Why do dogs do that? Because they can). Anyway, the first manager 1434nudged the second and said, "Hey, look at that! That really looks like fun 1435-- I wish I could do that!" 1436 Whereupon the second manager replied, "Well, I don't know... I tried 1437it once, and the damn dog bit me!" 1438% 1439 This 600-pound guy decides he can't go on living this way, so he seeks 1440the help of a clinic and proceeds to go on a drastic diet. It works: four 1441months later he's down to 160 pounds and feeling great, except for one problem. 1442He's covered with great folds of flesh where the fat used to be. He calls 1443up the clinic, and the doctor tells him not to worry. "There's a special 1444surgical procedure to correct this condition," the doctor assures him. "Just 1445come on over to the clinic." 1446 "But doctor," the man pleads, "you don't understand. I'm too 1447embarrassed to be seen in public like this." 1448 "Don't give it another thought," says the doctor. "Simply pull up 1449all the folds as high as they'll go, pile the flesh on top of your head, put 1450on a top hat, and come on over." 1451 The guy follows the instructions and provokes no comments until he 1452reaches the clinic and is standing in front of the admitting nurse's desk, 1453dying of self-consciousness. "The doctor will be right with you," says the 1454nurse. "Say, what's that hole in the middle of your forehead?" 1455 "My navel," blurts out the guy, "how d'ya like my tie?" 1456% 1457 This guy is taking a leak in a public men's room when a man enters 1458with his arms held out from his sides, bent at the elbows with his hands 1459dangling awkwardly, and comes over to him. 1460 "Would you do me a favor and unzip my fly?" he asks. 1461 Figuring the man to be a poor cripple, perhaps an accident victim, 1462the guy obliges, not without a flush of embarrassment when the man next 1463requests that he take out his prick and hold it in the appropriate position. 1464 "Shake it off" is the next instruction, then "zip me up," and the 1465guy follows orders, wincing at his own embarrassment and at the shame of 1466being so helpless. 1467 "Say, thanks," says the man, flouncing to the door. "I can't do a 1468*thing* 'til my nails dry!" 1469% 1470 This guy is walking down the beach one fine sunny day, feeling 1471good, when suddenly he sees this woman with no arms or legs in a wheelchair, 1472sobbing like crazy. He decides to be gallant, "What's wrong, miss?" 1473 "I...<sob, sniffle>...I'm 21 and I <choke> I've never been kissed... 1474<sniffle>" 1475 So this guy, he decides, what the hell, let's cheer up the poor lady. 1476He leans over and gives her a long wonderful kiss. This does wonders, and 1477the woman's face lights up and she grins from ear to ear, and the guy wanders 1478away feeling wonderful. 1479 Well, next week, the same guy is walking along the same beach, and 1480sees the same girl who is once again sobbing her eyes out. Gallant to the 1481end, our hero says, "What's wrong, miss, can I help?" 1482 "I...I'm <sob, sniffle, sniffle> 21 and I've never been fucked..." 1483 The guy picks her up out of her chair, cuddles her close, and brings 1484her over to the shore, and throws her into the water. "Now you're fucked!" 1485% 1486 Three women and Feldstein were brought before the presiding judge. 1487The women had been arrested for soliciting and he'd been was arrested for 1488selling ties without a license. "What do you do for a living?" the judge 1489asked, pointing at the first girl. 1490 "Your honor, I'm a model," she replied. 1491 "Thirty days," was the sentence. The judge turned to the second 1492girl. "What do you do for a living?" he asked. 1493 "Your honor, I'm an actress." 1494 "Thirty days." Then he turned to the third girl. "And how about 1495you?" he demanded. 1496 "Well, your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud of it, but it's 1497the only way I can support my mother and my children since my husband's been 1498laid off." 1499 "For telling the truth," he said, "I'm going to suspend sentence. 1500Furthermore, here's $100 to help your family out." Now he turns to Feldstein, 1501arrested for selling ties illegally. "And you," he said, "what do you do 1502for a living?" 1503 "Your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud..." 1504% 1505 Two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally 1506ran out. "I have an idea," croaked Al. "Lesh go over to my housh and borrow 1507shum money from my wife." 1508 The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light, 1509and lo and behold, there was Al's wife making love on the sofa to another man. 1510This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to 1511affect the husband. 1512 "Shay, dear, you have any money for your ever-lovin' hushban?" he 1513asked. 1514 "Yes, yes," she snapped. "Take my purse from the mantle, and for 1515Pete's sake, turn off those lights." 1516 Outside they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's 1517enough here for a pint for you and a pint for me. Pretty good, eh, old buddy?" 1518 "But, Al," protested his friend, somewhat sobered by the spectacle 1519he'd just witnessed, "what about that fellow back there with your wife?" 1520 "The hell with him," replied Al. "Let him buy his own pint." 1521% 1522 Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club 1523car of a train headed east out of Chicago. 1524 "I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to 1525London?" 1526 The American laughed. "It was my home for two years during the war," 1527he said. "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town." 1528 The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did 1529he say, Reggie?" 1530 "He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman 1531replied. 1532 After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You 1533didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?" 1534 The American almost fell off his chair. "Hot Pants Hazel!" he 1535exclaimed. "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months 1536just before I came back to the States!" 1537 "What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know. 1538 "He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded. 1539% 1540 Two gay guys, Larry and Phil, were driving down the highway when they 1541were rear-ended by a huge semi. Somewhat shaken, they maneuvered over to the 1542side of the road, where Phil instructed Larry to get out and confront the truck 1543driver. "Tell him we're going to sue, sue, sue!" he shrieked. 1544 Obligingly, Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to 1545deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl, 1546"Ah, why doncha suck my cock." 1547 "Phil," said Larry, coming back to their car, "I think we're going 1548to be able to settle out of court." 1549% 1550 Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn 1551how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, 1552you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'". 1553 All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where 1554their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. 1555 "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." 1556His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the 1557room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" 1558 "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass 1559it ain't gonna be Cheerios." 1560% 1561 Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about 1562their troubles. "And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife 1563has cut me down to just once a week." 1564 "That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse. I know 1565two guys she's cut off altogether. 1566% 1567 Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering 1568the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the 1569mortuary, and the mortician began work. When he had unclothed the corpse, he 1570noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well, 1571hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung. He put the cork back, and 1572the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're 1573lookin' swell, Dolly!". Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he 1574come immediately to see something very unusual. Roused from sleep, the partner 1575asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally 1576the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop. When he got there, he 1577said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at 1578this ungodly hour?" 1579 The man said, "Come into the embalming room." 1580 They go into the embalming room, and the first partner says, "Now 1581watch." 1582 He pulls out the cork, and the anus takes off singing again. The 1583partner looks at him disgustedly and says: "You brought me down here at 1584three in the morning just to hear some asshole sing Hello Dolly"? 1585% 1586 Two women were walking down the street, when one nudges the other 1587and says, "There's my husband coming out of the florist's with a dozen 1588roses, damn it. That means I'll have to keep my legs up in the air for 1589three days." 1590 Replies her friend, "Well, why don't you buy a vase?" 1591 1592% 1593 We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the 1594drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like "I feel a bit 1595lightheaded; maybe you should drive ..." And suddenly there was a terrible 1596roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all 1597swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a 1598hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice was 1599screaming: "Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?" 1600 Then it was quiet again. My attorney had taken his shirt off and 1601was pouring beer on his chest, to facilitate the tanning process. "What the 1602hell are you yelling about?" he muttered, staring up at the sun with his 1603eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sunglasses. "Never mind," 1604I said. "It's your turn to drive." I hit the brakes and aimed the Great 1605Red Shark toward the shoulder of the highway. No point in mentioning the 1606bats, I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough. 1607 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: 1608 A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream" 1609% 1610 Well, this woman went to the butcher shop to get some ham for dinner. 1611She asked the butcher what kind of ham he recommended, and the butcher said, 1612"Well ma'am, we got some Damn ham here for $3.50 a pound..." Needless to 1613say, she was surprised at the butcher's language! The butcher, who was 1614reasonably astute, noticed the alarmed look on the woman's face, and quickly 1615justified himself. "No, no, ma'am, I wasn't cursin', the NAME of this here 1616ham is "Damn ham". Amused, the woman requested some "Damn ham." 1617 That night, before dinner, the woman took her husband aside and 1618explained what had happened at the butcher shop. He also was amused, and 1619suggested that they play a joke on their son. So, at dinner, after grace, 1620the man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pass the damn ham." 1621 Their son looked up, surprised. "WHOAH! Dad be gettin' hip! 1622How 'bout them mother-fuckin' potatoes?" 1623% 1624 "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you 1625didn't believe in God." 1626 "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the 1627God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's 1628not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be." 1629 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" 1630% 1631 When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her 1632operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it 1633would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't 1634thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first 1635patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!" 1636% 1637 While visiting our country, a lovely French maiden found herself 1638out of money just as her visa expired. Unable to pay her passage back to 1639France, she was in despair until an enterprising sailor made her a sporting 1640proposition. "My ship is sailing tonight," he said. "I'll smuggle you 1641aboard, hide you down in the hold and provide you with a mattress, blankets 1642and food. All it will cost you is a little love." 1643 The girl consented, and late that night the sailor sneaked her on 1644board his vessel. Twice each day thereafter, the sailor smuggled a large 1645tray of food below decks, took his pleasure with the little French stowaway 1646and departed. The days turned into weeks, and the weeks might have turned 1647into months if the captain hadn't noticed the sailor carrying food below one 1648evening and followed him. After witnessing this unique bit of barter, he 1649waited until the sailor had departed and then confronted the girl, demanding 1650an explanation. She told him the whole story. 1651 "Hmmm," mused the captain. "A clever arrangement, and I must say I 1652admire that young seaman's ingenuity. However, miss, I feel it is only fair 1653to tell you that this is the Staten Island Ferry." 1654% 1655 "Yes, sir, the bowling ball nipple rings in black. Will there 1656be anything else?" 1657% 1658 You see, this girl wakes up one morning, rolls over and sees an 1659elephant in the bed with her. Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you 1660up in the bar last night?" 1661 "Uh-huh," the elephant replies. 1662 "Did I bring you home?" 1663 "Uh-huh." 1664 "Did we, uh, fool around?" 1665 "Uh-huh." 1666 "Lord, I must have been tight!" 1667 "Not any more." 1668% 1669 The Split-Atom Blues 1670 1671Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine, 1672 Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline ... 1673But if you split those atoms fine, 1674 Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine! 1675 1676Gimme zits, take my dough, 1677 Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll ... 1678Call the devil and sell my soul, 1679 But Mama keep dem atoms whole! 1680 -- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County" 1681% 1682... and no philosophy, sadly, has all the answers. No matter how assured 1683we may be about certain aspects of our belief, there are always painful 1684inconsistencies, exceptions, and contradictions. This is true in religion 1685as it is in politics, and is self-evident to all except fanatics and the 1686naive. As for the fanatics, whose number is legion in our own time, we 1687might be advised to leave them to heaven. They will not, unfortunately, do 1688us the same courtesy. They attack us and each other, and whatever their 1689protestations to peaceful intent, the bloody record of history makes clear 1690that they are easily disposed to restore to the sword. My own belief in 1691God, then, is just that -- a matter of belief, not knowledge. My respect 1692for Jesus Christ arises from the fact that He seems to have been the most 1693virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth. But even well-educated Christians are 1694frustrated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure of Jesus 1695because of the undeniable ambiguity of the scriptural record. Such ambiguity 1696is not apparent to children or fanatics, but every recognized Bible scholar 1697is perfectly aware of it. Some Christians, alas, resort to formal lying to 1698obscure such reality. 1699 -- Steve Allen 1700% 1701... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half, 1702and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps ... 1703% 1704... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot 1705be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin to the 1706benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The latter 1707is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing with 1708him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch 1709of knuckles. 1710 -- Harlan Ellison 1711% 1712... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, 1713you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of 1714fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating 1715stunts to win the approval of the Republican Right. For example, they 1716had him make a speech oozing praise all over William Loeb, deceased 1717publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader and Slime Journalist. 1718Loeb had dumped viciously all over George in the 1980 New Hampshire 1719primary. But when the Right held a big tribute for Loeb, George came 1720back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped around his 1721neck. 1722 -- Dave Barry, "The Twinkie and the Squid" 1723% 1724... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse 1725is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the 17261950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was 1727considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever 1728showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts 1729would have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the 1730overall effect was no more explicit than many publications we think 1731nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking 1732Through Swimsuits Issue. 1733 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 1734% 1735... The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil 1736out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge. 1737 -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19 1738% 1739... which the Minstrel was supposed by some authorities to have composed 1740beneath the gibbet at Elsdon on the occasion of his hanging, drawing and 1741quartering for misguidedly climbing into bed with Sir Oswald Capheughton's 1742wife, Lady Fleur, when that noble lord was not only in it, but in her at 1743the same time. Minstrel Flawse's introduction of himself into Sir Oswald 1744had met with that reaction known as dog-knotting on the part of all 1745concerned... 1746I gan noo wha ma organs gan 1747When oft I lay abed I should ha' known 'twas never Fleur 1748So rither hang me upside doon That smelt so mooch of sweat 1749Than by ma empty head. For she was iver sweet and pure 1750 And iver her purse was wet. 1751But old Sir Oswald allus stank 1752Of horse and hound and dung So hang me noo fra' Elsdon tree 1753And when I chose to breech his rank And draw ma innards out 1754Was barrel to my bung. That all the wald around may see 1755 What I have done without. 1756But ere ye come to draw ma heart 1757Na do it all so quick So prick 'em wet or prick 'em dry 1758But prise the arse of Oswald 'part 'Tis all the same to me 1759And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die 1760 Afore I have a pee. 1761 -- Tom Sharpe, "The Ballad of Prick 'Em Dry" 1762% 17631. The sport of choice for the low skill level employees is: BASKETBALL. 17642. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: BOWLING. 17653. The sport of choice for front-line workers is: FOOTBALL. 17664. The sport of choice for supervisors is: BASEBALL. 17675. The sport of choice for middle management is: TENNIS. 17686. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: GOLF. 1769 1770AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller 1771your balls. 1772% 177310 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: 1774 1775 1. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up. 1776 2. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds. 1777 3. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling. 1778 4. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry. 1779 5. A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor. 1780 6. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits. 1781 7. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining. 1782 8. A beer won't leave you for a younger woman. 1783 9. A beer won't leave you for a younger man either. 178410. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow. 1785% 178610 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: 1787 1788 1. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling. 1789 2. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' 1790 quarterback. 1791 3. A beer won't even act amazed if you can. 1792 4. You don't have to let a beer win. 1793 5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to 1794 sleep with it, too. 1795 6. A beer helps with the housework. 1796 7. A beer will never fumble with your bra. 1797 8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it. 1798 9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children. 179910. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom. 1800% 180110 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: 1802 1803 1. Having a beer can't make you pregnant. 1804 2. A beer wouldn't trade you in on a sports car. 1805 3. If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you. 1806 4. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers. 1807 5. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine. 1808 6. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer. 1809 7. A beer won't switch the TV channel. 1810 8. A beer doesn't snore. 1811 9. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator. 181210. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat. 1813% 181410 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: 1815 1816 1. Beer understands the difference between shooting down an unidentified 1817 aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky. 1818 2. A beer would never own a car with an automatic transmission. 1819 3. A beer never fishes for compliments. 1820 4. Beer tastes good. 1821 5. A beer can enjoy an evening of watching "Johnny-the-Wadd-Holmes' Greatest 1822 Hits" as much as you do. 1823 6. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it. 1824 7. A beer won't ask you to pick up some tampons when you go to the store. 1825 8. Beer never asks you to change the station. 1826 9. A beer won't fill up your 'Vette with 85-octane gas because it's twenty 1827 cents less expensive. 182810. A beer won't make you eat experimental vegetarian meals that taste 1829 like grass. 1830% 183110 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: 1832 1833 1. You can enjoy a beer all month. 1834 2. Beer stains wash out. 1835 3. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month. 1836 4. Beer never makes you wait. 1837 5. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer. 1838 6. Beer doesn't have a lawyer "in the family". 1839 7. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath. 1840 8. Beer doesn't demand equality. 1841 9. Beer labels come off without a fight. 184210. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left. 1843% 184415 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: 1845 1846 1. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook. 1847 2. Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common. 1848 3. A beer won't steal all the covers. 1849 4. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink all your beer. 1850 5. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car. 1851 6. A beer doesn't buy everything labeled "turbo". 1852 7. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes. 1853 8. A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky. 1854 9. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first. 185510. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer. 185611. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer. 185712. A beer won't talk about the women who had it before you. 185813. A beer's life does not revolve around the world series. 185914. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer. 186015. A beer will NEVER call you "Babe". Or "Sugar". 1861% 186218th Rule of Friendship: 1863 A friend will let you hold the ladder while he goes up on the roof 1864 to install your new aerial, which is the biggest son-of-a-bitch you 1865 ever saw. 1866 -- Esquire, May 1977 1867% 186820 REASONS WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A MAN 1869 1. A beer never leaves the toilet seat up. 1870 2. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling. 1871 3. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining. 1872 4. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer. 1873 5. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow. 1874 6. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers. 1875 7. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator. 1876 8. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat. 1877 9. A beer won't steal the covers. 187810. A beer doesn't buy everything labeled "turbo". 187911. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer. 188012. A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you. 188113. A beer tastes good. 188214. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling. 188315. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' quarterback. 188416. You don't have to let a beer win. 188517. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first. 188618. A beer will never call you "Babe". Or "Sugar-hips". 188719. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook. 188820. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes. 1889% 1890667 -- The neighbor of the beast. 1891% 189268: 1893 Do me now and I'll owe you one. 1894% 18956802 hackers make great use of the SEX instruction. 1896% 189769 + 69 = dinner for 4. 1898% 189971: 1900 69 with two fingers up your ass. 1901 -- George Carlin 1902% 19037:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 1904 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National 1905 Redwood Forest. 1906 19077:30, Channel 8: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 1908 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the 1909 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus. 1910% 19118 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: 1912 1913 1. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod. 1914 2. A beer doesn't care when you come. 1915 3. Beer doesn't have a mother. 1916 4. Beer doesn't need much closet space. 1917 5. A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Playboy 1918 "just for the articles". 1919 6. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks. 1920 7. Beer doesn't always want to go to the 'powder room' with everyone 1921 else's beer. 1922 8. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't 1923 make you ill. 1924% 1925A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch. He'd been prospecting for 1926more than a year. 1927 "Hey! Y'got any wimmen around here?" 1928 "Nope," the bartender replied, "But there's George in the back room." 1929 "I don't go for that kind of thing," the prospector scowled. He 1930downed his drink and left disgustedly. 1931A few months passed before the miner found his way down the mountain again. 1932He stumbled into the tavern and asked the bartender, "Any wimmen pass through 1933this part of town?" 1934 "Nope. Nary a one. But we still got George in the back room." 1935 Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of 1936thing," and turned on his heel and left. 1937 Within a year he came back from his mine again. With a wild look on 1938his face he re-entered the saloon. Leaning over the bar he whispered to the 1939bartender, "If I was to go into the back room with George, how many people 1940'round here would know?" 1941 "Oh," the bartender said, scratching his chin, "'bout seven, I guess." 1942 "Seven!?" 1943 "Yep. You, me, George, and the four men holdin' him down. You see, 1944George don't go for that kind of thing neither." 1945% 1946A 6'8", 280-pound Southerner walked into a NY bar, sat down next to a 1947patron, and said, "Ah'm big, and ah'm bad, and I *loves* to fuck Northern 1948women!" The guy was so terrified that he put down his beer and ran out 1949of the bar. 1950 The Rebel moved over to the next guy and said, "Ah'm big and ah'm 1951bad and I *loves* to fuck New York women." The guy took one look at him, 1952blanched and ran out of the bar. 1953 The man then went over to a short little guy with "Bronx" written 1954all over him. "Ah'm big and ah'm bad and I *loves* to fuck your sister." 1955 The short guy looked him up and down and said, "I don't blame 1956you one bit. She's *got* to be an improvement on yours." 1957% 1958A bad little girl in Madrid, 1959A most reprehensible kid, 1960 Told her Tante Louise 1961 That her cunt smelled like cheese, 1962And the worst of it was that it did! 1963% 1964A bar patron returned from the men's room grumbling to himself. 1965 "What's the trouble, buddy?" the bartender inquired. 1966 "You got John Wayne toilet paper in there!" 1967 "What do you mean?" the barkeeper asked. 1968 "It's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take shit from nobody." 1969% 1970A bather whose clothing was strewed 1971By breezes that left her quite nude, 1972 Saw a man come along 1973 And, unless I'm quite wrong, 1974You expected this line to be lewd. 1975% 1976A beachcomber of 25 had been shipwrecked on a desert island since the age of 1977six. One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a beautifully 1978sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she'd been washed ashore from 1979another shipwreck that morning. After they got over their initial surprise 1980at seeing each other, the girl wanted to know how long he had been alone on 1981this barren bit of land. 1982 "Almost twenty years," he answered. 1983 "Twenty years!" she exclaimed. "But how ever did you survive?" 1984 "Oh, I fish, dig for clams, and gather berries and coconuts," he 1985replied. 1986 "And what do you do for sex?" she asked. 1987 "What's that?" He looked puzzled. 1988 Whereupon the maiden pulled the innocent young man down onto the sand 1989beside her and proceeded to demonstrate. After they had finished, she asked 1990how he had enjoyed it. 1991 "Great!" was the reply. "But look what it did to my clamdigger!" 1992% 1993A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? 1994I am not I, I'm a tree." 1995 But another, more sane, 1996 Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" 1997And covered his pants leg with pee. 1998% 1999A beautiful belle of Del Norte 2000Is reckoned disdainful and haughty 2001 Because during the day 2002 She says: "Boys, keep away!" 2003But she fucks in the gloaming like forty. 2004% 2005A beautiful lady named Psyche 2006Is loved by a fellow named Ikey. 2007 One thing about Ike 2008 The lady can't like 2009Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey. 2010% 2011A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and 2012purgatory for the purse. 2013% 2014A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor takes 2015one look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right 2016away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her 2017thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?" 2018 "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological 2019abnormalities." 2020 "Correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. 2021"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says. 2022 "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast 2023cancer." 2024 "That's right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to 2025having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants, "what I'm doing 2026now?" 2027 "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes." 2028% 2029A beetling young woman named Pridgets 2030Had a violent abhorrence of midgets; 2031 Off the end of a wharf 2032 She once pushed a dwarf 2033Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets. 2034 -- Edward Gorey 2035% 2036A big store buyer had been on the road for nearly two months. Each week he 2037would send his wife a telegram saying, 2038 "Can't come home yet. Still buying." 2039His wife knew that these buying trips usually involved more than business. 2040She tolerated this particular jaunt for a while, but when the third month 2041rolled by and she'd still seen nothing of her husband but the weekly telegrams, 2042she wired him, 2043 "Better come home. I'm selling what you're buying." 2044% 2045A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression 2046Sold cigars at a key-club concession. 2047 When she swiveled about 2048 Even strong men cried out, 2049For her costume did not keep her flesh in. 2050% 2051A bisexual chap name of Lunt 2052Taught himself an unusual stunt. 2053 He could peel back his spout 2054 Turn the skin inside out 2055Like a glove, to be used as a cunt! 2056% 2057A bisexual is a man who likes girls as well as the next fellow. 2058% 2059A blind rabbit was hopping through the woods, tripping over logs and crashing 2060into trees. At the same time, a blind snake was slithering through the same 2061forest, with identical results. They chanced to collide head-on in a clearing. 2062 "Please excuse me, sir, I'm blind and I bumped into you accidentally," 2063apologized the rabbit. 2064 "That's quite all right," replied the snake, "I have the same 2065problem!" 2066 "All my life I've been wondering what I am," said the rabbit, "Do 2067you think you could help me find out?" 2068 "I'll try," said the snake. He gently coiled himself around the 2069rabbit. "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have a little fluffy tail 2070and long ears. You're... hmmm... you're probably a bunny rabbit!" 2071 "Great!" said the rabbit. "Thanks, I really owe you one!" 2072 "Well," replied the snake, "I don't know what I am, either. Do you 2073suppose you could try and tell me?" 2074 The rabbit ran his paws all over the snake. "Well, you're low, cold 2075and slimey..." And, as he ran one paw underneath the snake, "and you have 2076no balls. You must be an attorney!" 2077% 2078A bobby of Nottingham Junction 2079Whose organ had long ceased to function 2080 Deceived his good wife 2081 For the rest of her life 2082With the aid of his constable's truncheon. 2083% 2084A broken-down harlot named Tupps 2085Was heard to confess in her cups: 2086 "The height of my folly 2087 Was diddling a collie- 2088But I got a nice price for the pups." 2089% 2090A bureaucracy is like a septic tank -- all the really big shits float 2091to the top. 2092% 2093A burlesque dancer, a pip 2094Named Virginia, could peel in a zip; 2095 But she read science fiction 2096 And died of constriction 2097Attempting a Moebius strip. 2098 -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology" 2099% 2100A businessman was awe-struck by the beautiful redhead at the hotel bar. 2101Seeing his interest, she quietly informed him that she was a prostitute 2102and that her price was $500. He was taken aback by the price, but after 2103a few minutes of thought he took her up to his room. She spent a few 2104minutes in the bathroom and was shocked when she came out to see him 2105masturbating furiously on the bed. "What are you doing?", she asked. 2106 "Baby, for $500, you're not going to get the easy one!" 2107% 2108A busy young lady named Gloria 2109Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier 2110 And then by six men, 2111 Sir Gerald again, 2112And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. 2113% 2114A cabin boy on an old clipper 2115Grew steadily flipper and flipper. 2116 He plugged up his ass 2117 With fragments of glass 2118And thus circumcised his old skipper. 2119% 2120A Catholic and a Methodist were carpooling to work one morning, when a brick 2121fell out of the sky, which startled the driver and caused him to swerve off 2122the road and into a telephone pole, totaling the car. 2123 The two stumbled out of the wreckage, both feeling quite fortunate 2124to be alive. The Catholic crossed himself. Then the Protestant crossed 2125himself in an accentuated manner. 2126 "Hey," said the Catholic, "Why did you cross yourself, you're not 2127Catholic!" 2128 "Just checking," replied his friend, crossing himself again, 2129"spectacles, testicles, wallet, pen." 2130% 2131A cautious young fellow named Lodge, 2132Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. 2133 With his date all strapped in 2134 He committed a sin 2135Without even leaving the garage. 2136 -- "A Boy and His Dog" 2137% 2138A cautious young fellow named Tunney 2139Had a whang that was worth any money. 2140 When eased in half-way, 2141 The girl's sigh made him say, 2142"Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey." 2143% 2144A certain bartender decided to try to get a few new customers into his bar 2145by starting a gimmick involving a horse. His claim was that if anyone could 2146get the horse to laugh, he would give them drinks on the house. The idea 2147worked well and business improved until one night a young man walked in and 2148whispered in the horse's ear. The horse immediately burst into hysterical 2149laughter and the man won the contest. The next night the same thing 2150happened: the man whispered in the horse's ear and the horse burst out 2151laughing. The next night, the bartender decided to change the rules. Now, 2152a person had to get the horse to cry in order to win the drinks on the 2153house. Later on that night, the same guy came in and said "Can I take the 2154horse into the bathroom for a minute? I promise I'll make him cry." The 2155bartender agreed and sure enough, when the man came out leading the horse, 2156the horse was crying his eyes out. The bartender could take it no more and 2157said, "How did you make him laugh the other two nights?" 2158 "I told him that my dick was bigger than his", replied the man. 2159 "How did you make him cry tonight?" 2160 "I proved it." 2161% 2162A certain young man, it was noted, 2163Went about in the heat thickly-coated; 2164 He said, "You may scoff, 2165 But I shan't take it off; 2166Underneath I am horribly bloated." 2167 -- Edward Gorey 2168% 2169A certain young person of Ghent, 2170Uncertain if lady or gent, 2171 Shows his organs at large 2172 For a small handling charge 2173To assist him in paying the rent. 2174% 2175A certain young sheik of Algiers 2176Said to his harem, "My dears, 2177 Though you may think it odd of me, 2178 I'm tired of just sodomy 2179Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!) 2180% 2181A chap down in Oklahoma 2182Had a cock that could sing La Paloma, 2183 But the sweetness of pitch 2184 Couldn't put off the hitch 2185Of impotence, size and aroma. 2186% 2187A charmer from old Amarillo, 2188Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow, 2189 Decided one day 2190 That to keep men away 2191She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo. 2192% 2193A chippy who worked in Black Bluff 2194Had a pussy as large as a muff. 2195 It had room for both hands 2196 And some intimate glands, 2197And was soft as a little duck's fluff. 2198% 2199A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party. 2200% 2201A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on 2202Saturday and is going to do on Monday. 2203 -- Thomas Ybarra 2204% 2205A clergical student named Simms 2206Hums liturgical tunes while he rims: 2207 A nice piece of ass 2208 Gets the B-Minor Mass ... 2209All the others get Anglican hymns. 2210% 2211A clerical student named Pryne 2212Through pain sought to reach the divine: 2213 He wore a hair shirt, 2214 Quite often ate dirt, 2215And bathed every Friday in brine. 2216 -- Edward Gorey 2217% 2218A clever young man named Eugene 2219Invented a jack-off machine. 2220 On the twenty-third stroke 2221 The fuckin' thing broke 2222And beat both his balls to a creame. 2223% 2224A clitoris is a lot like Antarctica; 2225most men know it's there, but few really care. 2226% 2227A cocksucking steno named Beeman 2228Remarked as she swallowed my semen: 2229 "On my minuscule salary 2230 I must watch every calorie, 2231So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!" 2232% 2233A computer called Illiac4 2234Had a rather tough bug in its core. 2235 It chewed up its cards 2236 And spewed yards and yards 2237Of illegible tape on the floor. 2238% 2239A contortionist hailing from Lynch 2240Used to rent out his tool by the inch. 2241 A foot cost a quid -- 2242 He could and he did 2243Stretch it to three in a pinch. 2244% 2245A corpulent maiden named Kroll 2246Had a notion exceedingly droll: 2247 At a masquerade ball, 2248 Dressed in nothing at all, 2249She backed in as a Parker House roll. 2250% 2251A couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good. 2252 2253 [something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack? Ed.] 2254% 2255A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by 2256chance their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his father left 2257to buy popcorn, the boy piped up, 2258 "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?" 2259 "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied. 2260 "No, not that." 2261 "Oh, that's the elephant's tail." 2262 "No, Mom. Down underneath." 2263 His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing." 2264 Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get 2265a soda. As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question. 2266 "That's the elephant's trunk, son." 2267 "Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing at the 2268other end." 2269 "Oh, that's the elephant's tail." 2270 "No. Down there." 2271 The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's 2272penis." 2273 "Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?" 2274 The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've *spoiled* 2275that woman." 2276% 2277A couple was fishing near Clombe 2278When the maid began looking quite glum, 2279 And said, "Bother the fish! 2280 I'd rather coish!" 2281Which they did -- which was why they had come. 2282% 2283A cowhand way out in Seattle 2284Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle. 2285 He said, "No, I can't fuck 2286 A lamb or a duck, 2287But golly! it just fits the cattle." 2288% 2289A CS student named Lin 2290Had a prick the size of a pin 2291 It was no good for girls 2292 But just great for squirrels 2293Who squealed with delight with it in. 2294% 2295A cute little twerp from Samoa 2296Had a cock of one inch and no moa. 2297 It was good for keyholes 2298 And debutantes' peeholes 2299But not worth a damn on a whoa. 2300% 2301A daredevil skater named Lowe, 2302Leaps barrels arranged in the snow, 2303 But is proudest of doing, 2304 Some incredible screwing, 2305Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row! 2306% 2307A deep-throated virgin named Netty 2308Was sucking a cock on the jetty. 2309 She said, "It tastes nice, 2310 Much better than rice, 2311Though not quite as good as spaghetti." 2312% 2313A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine. 2314 -- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy" 2315% 2316A delighted, incredulous bride 2317Remarked to her groom at her side: 2318 "I never could quite 2319 Believe till tonight 2320Our anatomies would coincide." 2321% 2322A dentist, young doctor Malone, 2323Got a charming girl patient alone, 2324 And, in his depravity, 2325 Filled the wrong cavity. 2326God, how his practice has grown. 2327% 2328A despairing old landlord named Fyfe, 2329With a frigid and quarrelsome wife, 2330 Let his third-story front, 2331 To a willing young cunt, 2332Who supplied him a new lease on life! 2333% 2334A desperate spinster from Clare 2335Once knelt in the moonlight all bare, 2336 And prayed to her God 2337 For a romp on the sod-- 2338'Twas a passerby answered her prayer. 2339% 2340A distinguished professor from Swarthmore 2341Got along with a sexy young sophomore. 2342 As quick as a glance 2343 He stripped off his pants, 2344But he found that the sophomore'd got off more. 2345% 2346A doctoral student from Buckingham 2347Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. 2348 But a dropout from paree 2349 Taught him Gamahuchee 2350- so he added a footnote on sucking 'em. 2351% 2352A doctoral student from Buckingham 2353Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. 2354 But a dropout from paree 2355 Taught him Gamahuchee 2356So he added a footnote on sucking 'em. 2357% 2358A do-it-yourselfer named Alice, 2359Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. 2360 She blew her vagina 2361 To South Carolina, 2362And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas. 2363 2364A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill, 2365Used two dynamite sticks for a dil. 2366 They found her vagina, 2367 In South Carolina, 2368And part of her ass in Brazil. 2369% 2370A dolly in Dallas named Alice, 2371Whose overworked sex is all callous, 2372 Wore the foreskin away 2373 On uncircumcised Ray, 2374Through exuberance, tightness, and malice. 2375% 2376A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis 2377Wished to foster an aura of menace; 2378 To make people afraid 2379 He wore gloves of grey suede 2380And white footgear intended for tennis. 2381 -- Edward Gorey 2382% 2383A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis 2384Wished to foster an aura of menace. 2385 To make people afraid 2386 He wore gloves of grey suede 2387And white footgear intended for tennis. 2388 -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey" 2389% 2390A drunk was sitting at the end of the bar in a popular singles' place, 2391watching a young, good-looking man working his way through the women. The 2392guy didn't appear to be having much luck, and he was only spending a few 2393moments with each woman. As he worked his way closer, while he couldn't 2394hear what the young man was saying, he realized that the women were somewhat 2395shocked at his approach. Finally, the man approaches a pretty brunette and 2396they hit it off immediately. After a bit of quiet conversation, she handed 2397the young man her hotel key and they started off for the elevators. As they 2398passed the drunk, he stopped the lucky one and asked him what his method was. 2399 "Well," the man replied, "It's simple. You say 'Tickle your ass 2400with a feather?' If she sounds interested, you take it from there. If she 2401sounds angry, you smile and say 'Typically nasty weather.'" 2402 The drunk says "Ohhhhh, got it, I got it!" and walks over to a woman 2403at the end of the bar to try out his new approach. Getting her attention, 2404he smiles and says "Fuck me!" 2405 "What?!?!?" she screams. 2406 "Raining like hell, isn't it?" 2407% 2408A friend of mine received a note through the mail advising him, 2409 "If you don't stop making love to my wife, I'll kill you." 2410The trouble is, the note wasn't signed. 2411% 2412A friend with weed is a friend indeed. 2413% 2414A friendly message from your Internal Revenue Service: tax time is 2415coming again soon. Bend over. 2416% 2417A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas and how 2418hard it was to get any sleep. 2419 "I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a 2420drunken chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled. 2421 "That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?" 2422 "At five o'clock I unlocked the door and let her out." 2423% 2424A game can by God repent or we'll punish it. 2425That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century, 2426and that's how we'll do it now. 2427 -- Dick Hamlet 2428% 2429A genius is a queer who can whistle while he works. 2430 -- Bobby Knight 2431% 2432A gorgeous young sophomore is having an affair with her English 2433professor. She goes home to visit her family for Christmas vacation 2434and when she gets back, she immediately invites him over for the 2435night. As soon as he walks through the door she hugs him and 2436asks, "Were you blue while I was away?" 2437 "Blown, my dear," the professor corrects her, "blown." 2438% 2439A grade school teacher, who was doing a unit on World War II heard that 2440the father of one of her students had been a fighter pilot during the war 2441with one of the Scandinavian Air Forces. She invited him to come in and 2442speak to the class. The guy was more than happy to talk, and began with 2443a story about a morning patrol where he had been nearly shot down. 2444 "We had been up for about 20 minutes flying over enemy held 2445territory, when we noticed, just in time, 3 Fokkers diving on us from above." 2446At the first mention of `Fokkers' the class giggled a little bit. 2447 "Our group broke formation, and began the dog-fighting. As we 2448fought, we noticed 2 more Fokkers coming at us from above and 2 more 2449Fokkers, fresh from the landing field, come to join the battle". 2450At this second and third mention of `Fokkers' the class was almost laughing 2451openly, and the teacher interrupted the story to ask the pilot to explain 2452to the class that a 'Fokker' was a particular type of plane flown by the 2453German Air Force. 2454 He replied, "Ya, dat is true, but these Fokkers were Messerschmitts." 2455% 2456A group of scientists discovered an apelike creature in the jungle, which 2457they hoped would prove to be the missing link. The proof of their theory, 2458however, required that a human mate with the animal so that they could see 2459what characteristics the offspring would assume. Needing volunteers, the 2460scientists placed an ad in the paper: "$5000 to mate with ape." 2461 Almost immediately, they received response from a man who said he 2462would be willing to take part in the experiment, with three conditions. 2463 "First," he said, "my wife must never know. Second, any children 2464must be baptized. And, third, I'd have to pay in installments." 2465% 2466A guest in a household quite charmless 2467Was informed its eccentric was harmless: 2468 "If you're caught unawares 2469 At the head of the stairs, 2470Just remember, he's eyeless and armless." 2471 -- Edward Gorey 2472% 2473A guy comes into a bar with a frog and sets it down next to the prettiest 2474girl there. 2475 "This is a very special frog," he informs her. "His name is Charlie." 2476 "What's so special about this frog?" she asks. 2477He's reluctant to tell her, but when pressed, explains that, 2478 "This frog can eat pussy." 2479The girl slaps him, knocking him off his chair, and accuses him of telling her 2480a filthy lie. But no, he assures her, it's completely true. And after much 2481discussion, she agrees to come back to his apartment to see the frog in action. 2482She positions herself appropriately, the guy carefully takes out the frog, and 2483says, "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!" The frog is immobile, despite his 2484owner's exhortations, and the girl starts to snicker. 2485 "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!" 2486 "C'mon Charlie, do your stuff!" 2487By now, the girl is laughing openly. 2488 "Okay, Charlie," says the guy, moving the frog out of the way, "I'm 2489only going to show you one more time." 2490% 2491A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, carries it to the bathroom and dumps it 2492into a urinal. Over the course of the next few hours, he goes back to the bar 2493and repeats this sequence -- several times. Finally the bartender got so 2494curious that he leaned over the bar and asked him what he was doing. 2495 Replied the customer, "Avoiding the middleman." 2496% 2497A habit depraved and unsavory 2498Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery 2499 Midst screeches and howls 2500 He deflowered young owls 2501Which he kept in an underground aviary 2502% 2503A habit obscene and bizarre, 2504Has taken a-hold of papa. 2505 He brings home young camels 2506 And other odd mammals, 2507And gives them a go at mama. 2508% 2509A habit obscene and unsavory, 2510Holds a CS professor in slavery. 2511 With maniacal howls, 2512 He deflowers young owls, 2513That he keeps in an underground aviary. 2514% 2515A hacker who screwed a mag tape 2516Was caught and convicted of rape. 2517 To jail he did go, 2518 From which, to his woe 2519He couldn't get out with ESC. 2520% 2521A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk 2522Made love to the drive of his disk. 2523 The thing circumsized him, 2524 Which rather surprised him. 2525He wasn't aware of *that* risk. 2526% 2527A hand in a bird is worth two on 'er bush. 2528% 2529A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird. 2530% 2531A hard man is good to find. 2532% 2533A huge Rambolike fellow walked into a tavern and took a seat in the middle of 2534the bar. After downing a double in one gulp, he glared at the six men to his 2535right and said, "You're all no-good motherfuckers. Anyone have a problem with 2536that?" 2537 When no one said a word, the brawny fellow ordered another whiskey, 2538downed it in one gulp, turned to the five men on his left and said, "You're 2539all cocksuckers. Anyone have a problem with that?" 2540 Everybody on the left stared silently into his drink. Suddenly, a man 2541on the right stood up and started walking toward the big guy. "Hey, asshole!" 2542the thug bellowed. "You got a problem with what I said?" 2543 "No problem at all," came the reply. "I was just sitting at the wrong 2544end of the bar." 2545% 2546A hunter saved a native boy from a boa constrictor. In gratitude, the boy gave 2547the hunter a magic gorilla prick. The lad said the prick would do anything you 2548told it to do until you told it to do something else. When the hunter returned 2549home to England, he put the magic gorilla prick on the mantle along with some 2550of his other trophies. His wife thought it quaint and his story charming. But 2551soon, the hunter went a-safariing again. He was away for months. One evening, 2552the woman eyed the MGP carefully and whispered, "Gorilla Prick, fuck me." 2553Whereupon the thing jumped off the mantle and began to bang her with great 2554thoroughness and ferocity. For the first twenty minutes it was pure heaven, 2555but after the next few minutes it became fatiguing, and she said, "Stop it, 2556Gorilla Prick," but it didn't. After a bit more she was screaming "Stop! 2557Stop!" at the thing and trying to pull it out of her smoking hole. But nothing 2558worked. Finally, the butler bursts into the room, summoned by her screams. 2559 "Saunders, help me please!" 2560 "But what is it, Madame?" 2561 "It's a Magic Gorilla Prick!" 2562 "Gorilla prick, my ass!! ... AAAaaeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiii!!!!!!" 2563% 2564A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When 2565she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair. The man shouted, 2566"What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there." 2567 The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?" 2568% 2569A lisping fag fell off a pleasure yacht and began to scream. "Help! Help, I 2570can't thwim!" One of the other passengers heard the caterwauling and leaned 2571over the rail, remarking, "Really, there's no need to scream. Just reach out 2572and grab that buoy near you." To which the floundering sodomite answered, 2573"Buoy! Oh, thith ith no time for thekth, you degenerate... I'm dwowning!" 2574% 2575A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul. 2576 -- Norman Mailer 2577% 2578A little Mexican boy comes home from school one day and says to his grand- 2579father, "Granddaddy, today my teacher said that Pancho Villa, the bandit 2580used to raid towns around here! Did you ever know him?" 2581 "Do *I* know Pancho Villa?" exclaims the man. "Why, boy, before 2582your father was born, I was riding into town on my horse. Suddenly, from 2583behind the bushes leaped Pancho with his six-guns drawn! He told me to get 2584down off the horse and to give him all my money. Then, he told me to scoop 2585some manure from the ground and eat it!" 2586 "I refused at first, but Pancho had the guns, so I ate the shit. 2587And he started laughing so hard that it scared his horse into rearing up -- 2588I grabbed the guns from his hands! I said to Pancho, `Okay, Pancho, now 2589it's your turn -- you eat the shit!' I had the guns, so he ate the shit. 2590 "And you ask me, child, if I know Pancho Villa, the bandit! Why, 2591we had *lunch* together!" 2592% 2593A lively case was in progress in the District Court at Lick Skillet. Judge 2594Flannery was presiding, and on the witness stand was Tush Bumpass. 2595 "From where ah was standin'", drawled Tush, "Ah could see he'd 2596backed 'er up agin' thet there wall, and ef Ah ever sawed a screwin' match, 2597thet one wuz!" 2598 "Mr. Bumpass," the Judge interrupted, "I'd prefer that you not use 2599the word 'screw' in the courtroom. Say 'intercourse' instead." 2600 Tush looked puzzled. "Intercourse? Whut's thet, Judge?" 2601 His Honor sighed. "It's a technicality of language that you're 2602probably not aware of. Never mind. Please continue." 2603 "Well, like ah said, he had 'er shoved up agin' thet wall, an' he 2604was... uh... intercoursin' 'er, an' he give 'er the crossjostle, the Chicago 2605Stroke, an' she let out with a holler thet..." 2606 "One moment," interrupted the Bench. "What is this, ah, Chicago 2607Stroke, Mr. Bumpass?" 2608 "Well, thet's a technicality of screwin', Judge, thet you're probably 2609not aware of!" 2610% 2611A man and a woman got married. Although it is the first time for the 2612husband, it is the woman's second marriage. As they go to bed on their 2613wedding night, the wife says to her husband: 2614 2615 "Dear, there's something I must tell you. I'm a virgin." 2616Naturally, the husband is surprised. 2617 "You've been married before!", he says, "How can you still be a 2618virgin?" 2619 "Well, it's all quite simple," she retorted, "my husband was a 2620computer programmer." 2621 "What's so odd about that?", he asked. "Why would you still be 2622a virgin after a marriage to a programmer?" 2623 "Well", she said, "all he did was sit on the edge of the bed and 2624tell me how great it was going to be." 2625% 2626A man goes into a hospital for a routine appendectomy. When he wakes up 2627from the anesthesia, he sees a large group of doctors gathered anxiously 2628around his bed. 2629 "What happened?" he asks worriedly. 2630 "Well," says one of the doctors, "there was a small clerical error, 2631and you got mixed-up with another patient. Instead of an appendectomy, we 2632performed a sex-change operation. Your penis has been removed and a vagina 2633has been crafted into place." 2634 "WHAT!!!" screams the man. "That's horrible! What am I going to 2635tell my wife? Can't you reverse it? This means I'm never going to experience 2636another erection!" 2637 "Well, you will, you *will*," reassures the doctor, "but it will, of 2638course, have to be someone else's." 2639% 2640A man is driving down the road on his way to Salerno. By the roadside he 2641sees a man hitchhiking and stops to pick him up. As the man gets into his 2642car he suddenly pulls out a gun and makes the driver get out of the car. 2643 "All right, buddy," says the man, "I want to you jerk off." 2644 "What!?" says the man, disbelievingly. 2645 "Go ahead, do it!" says the hitchhiker. 2646 So the driver masturbates, and when he is through, says, "All right, 2647I did what you wanted, can I go now?" 2648 "Nope," says the hijacker. "Do it again." 2649 "Again?" the driver exclaims. "I just did it." 2650 "Do it again." 2651 It takes a little longer this time, but he manages to come again. 2652Panting, he turns to his tormenter and again asks if he can leave. 2653 "Yes," the man replies, "but only after you've done it one more 2654time." 2655 The guy is really scared now; he's starting to sweat. It takes him 2656twenty minutes, this time, but he finally comes a third time. 2657 "Listen, buddy, can I please leave now?" 2658 "Yeah," says the man, lowering his gun. "And this is my daughter; 2659I want you to drive her into Salerno." 2660% 2661A man is marooned on a desert island with a female sheep and a male Doberman 2662for companionship. The animals soon get it on sexually, and all goes well 2663until the man becomes unbearably horny and makes his move for the ewe, at 2664which point the dog interposes himself, snarling, fangs bared. Months later, 2665a raft drifts into sight. The sailor swims out, finds a beautiful girl on it, 2666takes her to shore and feeds and comforts her. 2667 "You are so good to me," she responds gratefully. "I'd do absolutely 2668anything to show my gratitude." 2669 "Would you?" smiles the sailor as he unfastens the length of rope 2670that holds up his ragged pants. "Well, then, here -- use this as a leash 2671and take that damn dog for a walk!" 2672% 2673A man is playing golf at a very exclusive country club when he hits a hole- 2674in-one. As he takes his ball from the cup, a genie appears. 2675 "Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish. What 2676is your heart's desire?" 2677 "Great!", replies the man. I want a longer penis." 2678 "Your wish is granted," says the genie, and promptly disappears. 2679 As the golfer continues through the rest of the course he can 2680feel his penis slowly growing, to an extent that it's becoming uncomfortable. 2681By the time he completes the 18th hole it's extended down his pants leg to 2682his knee. Thinking to himself that this isn't quite what he had in mind, he 2683grabs a bucket of balls and heads back out onto the course. Three weeks later, 2684he manages another hole-in-one and the genie reappears. 2685 "Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish. What 2686is your heart's desire?" 2687 "Yeah, I know all that," replies the man. "Listen, could you make 2688my legs longer?" 2689% 2690A man is talking to his wife when he mentions that there's a "Big Dick" 2691contest at one of the bars in town and the prize for the winner is $1000. 2692 "Oh, honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that thing 2693out in public!" 2694 "But baby," he says, "$1000 is a lot of money." 2695 "I don't care!" she says, stamping her foot. "I don't want you 2696showing that thing to everybody." 2697 And the subject isn't mentioned again, until the following evening 2698when he hands her $1000. 2699 "Did you enter the contest, even after I told you I didn't want 2700you to?" she asks. 2701 "Please forgive me, turtle dove," he says. "I thought we could use 2702the money." 2703 "You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says, 2704tears welling up in her eyes. 2705 "Only enough to win, honey, only enough to win." 2706% 2707A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy. 2708% 2709A man never minds being in the doghouse 2710as long as he can get his tail outside. 2711% 2712A man rushed into a bar and breathlessly asked the bartender to pour him 2713three straight scotches. The bartender complied, and watched as he downed 2714them one after another. 2715 "Why three scotches?" the bartender asked as he paused for breath. 2716 "Well, to be honest, I'm celebrating my first blow-job." 2717 "Hell, congratulations, the next one's on me." 2718 "No, thanks," the young man replied, "if the first three didn't get 2719the taste out of my mouth, I don't think another one will." 2720% 2721A man sat down next to another passenger on a train recently and couldn't 2722help overhearing his conversation out the window with a man standing on 2723the train platform. 2724 "Thanks for putting me up while I was here, Sam," said the passenger. 2725 "Glad to do it," said the other man. 2726 "Thanks for the food and the drinks -- everything was wonderful." 2727 "It was a pleasure," said the man. 2728 "And thank your wife, Sam, she was great," said the passenger, 2729"she was a truly great lay." 2730 The man was rather taken aback by this exchange and he later turned 2731to his fellow passenger and said: "Pardon me sir, but did I understand you 2732to say that your friend's wife was a great lay?" 2733 "Well," said the other passenger, "I didn't REALLY enjoy it. But 2734Sam is a helluva nice guy." 2735% 2736A man walks into the doctor's office and the doctor says to him, "I've got 2737some good news and some bad news." 2738 "Tell me the good news first" the patient replies. 2739 "The good news is that your penis is going to be about two inches 2740longer and about an inch wider," the doctor says. 2741 "That's great!" says his patient. "What's the bad news?" 2742 "Malignant." 2743% 2744A man was playing golf one day when a little frog hopped out the water at a 2745water hazard and croaked, "I am a magic frog, and since you are the 10,000th 2746person to play through here, I'm prepared to offer you one of two magic gifts: 2747First, for a whole year you can have the most fabulous sex life that anyone 2748ever had; beyond your wildest dreams. Or, second, for a whole year you can 2749be the best golfer the world has ever known. Which do you prefer?" The man 2750thought a bit and said that he'd take the golf. Well, the man holed his wood 2751shot from where he was, completed the course in an average of 2 per hole, and 2752went round in 22. Quickly he attracted the attention of the sports world, 2753and became the world's best-known golfer, setting course records wherever 2754he went. A year later he was playing the same course inhabited by the frog, 2755and at the water hazard the frog hopped out and said, "Well, the year is up, 2756and you now revert to the 18-handicap player you were before. But tell me, I 2757was a little surprised that you chose the golf -- I take it your sex life is 2758outstanding?" The man said, "Well, I have no complaints in that department 2759at all, which is why I chose the golf." "How many times did you engage in sex 2760last year?" inquired the frog. The man thought a little and said, "Oh, eight 2761or ten times, I guess." "Damn," said the frog, "that doesn't strike me as very 2762satisfactory." "Oh, I don't know," replied the man, "it doesn't seem so bad 2763for a Catholic priest from a little town in South Dakota." 2764% 2765A man was talking to his best friend about his married life. "You know," he 2766says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to 2767me, but there's *always* that doubt. There's *always* that little doubt." 2768 "Yeah, I know what you mean," his friend replies. 2769 "Well, buddy, I've got to leave on a business trip this weekend, 2770and I wonder... well... would you watch my house while I'm gone? I trust 2771her, it's just that there's *always* that doubt." 2772 The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report. 2773 "I've got some bad news for you," says the friend. "The evening 2774after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. A man 2775got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife. 2776After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him. Then, he 2777took off his shirt and she took off her blouse. And then the light went 2778out." 2779 "*Then* what happened?" said the husband, his eyes opening wide. 2780 "Well, I don't know," replied the friend, "it was too dark to see." 2781 "Damn!" roared the husband. "You see what I mean? There's *always* 2782that doubt!" 2783% 2784A man with no arms walked into a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender 2785shoved the foaming glass in front of him. 2786 "Look," said the customer, "I have no arms -- would you please hold 2787the glass for me? 2788 "Sure," said the bartender. 2789 "If," said the customer, "you'll reach in my right hand coat pocket, 2790you'll find the money for the beer." 2791 The bartender got the money and rang up the bill. 2792 "You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. 2793Where is the men's room?" 2794 "Up the street to the light," said the bartender, "turn left, walk 2795two blocks, and there's a gas station on the corner." 2796% 2797A man's father is very, very old, and the son can't afford very good treatment 2798for him, so he's in a rather shabby, run-down nursing home. One day the son 2799wins a lottery -- and the first thing he does is install his father in the best 2800old age home that money can buy. 2801 On the first day the old man is sitting watching TV, and he starts 2802to lean a little bit to one side. Right away a nurse runs over and gently 2803straightens the old man. A little later he's eating dinner, and when he 2804finishes, he begins to tip a little bit to one side. Another nurse runs 2805over and gently pushes him upright again. 2806 The son visits his father later that evening and asks him how he's 2807being treated. 2808 "It's a wonderful place, son," replies the father. "I really like 2809it here, gourmet food, color TV's in every room, the service is unbelievable, 2810there's just one little problem." 2811 "What's that, Dad?" 2812 "They won't let you fart." 2813% 2814A mathematician named Hall 2815Has a hexahedronical ball, 2816 And the cube of its weight 2817 Times his pecker's, plus eight 2818Is his phone number -- give him a call. 2819% 2820A midget had a date with a very tall girl. It was a quiff-hanger. 2821% 2822"A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a 2823good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious 2824scruples and the police." 2825 -- Mr. Dooley 2826% 2827A mouse was sniffing around in a meadow, when an eagle swooped down, 2828swallowed him whole, and rose up in the air again. The mouse worked 2829his way through until his head was sticking out of the bird's asshole. 2830 "Say, good buddy," he squeaked, "how high up are we, anyway?" 2831 "Oh, about two thousand feet," answered the eagle. 2832 The mouse's eyes bugged out. "Hey, you wouldn't shit me, would you?" 2833% 2834A new lumberjack had just finished his first month in the lonely wilds of 2835Alaska, where there were no women for miles. He finally couldn't take it 2836anymore and nervously asked the foreman what the other men did to relieve 2837the pressure. 2838 "Try the hole in the barrel outside the shower," suggested the 2839foreman. "The other men swear by it." 2840 The lumberjack dubiously tried it out and had the experience of 2841his life. "That barrel is fantastic! Warm! Wet! I'm going to use it 2842every day!" 2843 "Every day but the third Wednesday of the month," one of the 2844other men replied. 2845 "Why not then?" 2846 "That's your day in the barrel." 2847% 2848A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately 2849wrong with a high sense of consistency. 2850 -- J. K. Galbraith 2851% 2852A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms. 2853 -- Phyllis Schlafly 2854% 2855A Norse god decides to assume human form, come down from Valhalla, and check 2856out the local action. He finds himself in the piano bar of Caesar's Boardwalk 2857Regency in Atlantic City, and sits down to sip an Acquavit or two. After a few 2858minutes, an extremely attractive young woman, having been taken with his form 2859and features, sends a drink down to him, then joins him. The chemistry between 2860them is immediate and total. They have the next drink in her room, and spend 2861the night repeatedly making passionate love. The woman has no idea of her 2862partner's true identity; all she knows is he's driving her mad. In the 2863morning, the Norse god jumps into the shower. Reflecting on the previous 2864night he decides that he wants to be honest with his new lover. Without even 2865bothering to wrap himself in a towel, he leaps from the shower into the room, 2866where the woman is still in bed, exhausted. He kneels beside the bed, looks 2867deep into her eyes and says, "Honey, I have something very important to tell 2868you -- I'm Thor!". 2869 The woman looks at him. "You're Thor?", she says. "My inthides feel 2870like grated cheeth!" 2871% 2872A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing 2873sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always 2874married. The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband, 2875to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking 2876risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed: 2877to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings, 2878thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy 2879that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing 2880children. A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised 2881by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males. 2882 -- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality", 2883 attempting to explain the lack of female interest in 2884 pornography. 2885% 2886A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing 2887sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always 2888married. The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband, 2889to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking 2890risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed: 2891to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings, 2892thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy 2893that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing 2894children. A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised 2895by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males. 2896 -- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality", 2897 attempting to explain the lack of female interest in 2898 pornography. 2899% 2900A nuclear family is out golfing one day, when it becomes clear that Dad isn't 2901going to win any trophies, at least on this course. On the 3rd hole, after 2902two miserable bogies, he misses a two foot putt and exclaims, "Shit!" 2903 His wife glances over at their sixteen year old daughter and says 2904nothing. 2905 On the fourth hole Dad tees off with an incredible hook, and, after 2906the inevitable exclamation, his wife reproves him with "Honey!" 2907 This continues on, with his golfing getting worse and his wife getting 2908more and more upset about his language. Finally, on the 17th hole, he again 2909misses a very easy putt. Flinging his club down, he curses the hole, the 2910club, and the sunset, using the word "fuck" for the first time. His wife 2911whirls around and cries, "Honey! Our daughter is standing right next to you!" 2912 Feeling remorseful, but somewhat defensive, he turns to the 2913daughter and says, "Well, Cindy, you've heard that word before, haven't 2914you?" 2915 "Yes," the daughter replies, "but never in anger." 2916% 2917A nymph hits you and steals your virginity. 2918% 2919A pair of suburban couples who had known each other for quite some time 2920talked it over and decided to do a little conjugal swapping. The trade 2921was made the following evening and the newly arranged couples retired to 2922their respective houses. After about an hour of bedroom bliss, one of 2923the wives propped herself up on an elbow, looked at her new partner and 2924said: "Well, I wonder how the boys are getting along?" 2925% 2926A pederastic necrophiliac is a gentleman who is 2927true to the very end of the end of a friend. 2928% 2929A performing octopus could play the piano, the zither and a piccolo, and his 2930trainer wanted him to add the bagpipe to his accomplishments. With this in 2931mind, a bagpipe was placed in the octopus's room, and the trainer awaited 2932results. Hours passed, but no bagpipe music was heard. Since the talented 2933octopus usually learned quickly, the trainer was disturbed. Opening the door 2934the next morning, he asked the octopus, 2935 "Have you learned to play that thing yet?" 2936 "Play it!" retorted the octopus. "I've been trying to lay it all 2937night!" 2938% 2939A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely 2940called a liberal. 2941% 2942A policeman is walking his beat when he finds an inebriated man collapsed 2943against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his 2944hands. He's moaning something about how "They took my car!" Seeing that 2945the man is well-dressed, the officer suspects that he may have a real case 2946of theft on his hands and attempts to question the man. 2947 "What happened to your car?" 2948 "My car, it was right on the end of my key, and those bastards 2949stole it! Please officer, get my Porsche back. My God, it was right on 2950the end of my key! Where is it? They stole it and it was right here; 2951right on my key!" 2952 "OK, OK, stand up, we'll see what we can do. You'll have to come 2953down to the stat... Mister, your fly's unzipped and you're exposing 2954yourself!" 2955 "Oh my God, they stole my girlfriend!" 2956% 2957A pretty young lady named Vogel 2958Once sat herself down on a molehill. 2959 A curious mole 2960 Nosed into her hole -- 2961Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. 2962% 2963A pretty young maiden from France 2964Decided she'd "just take a chance." 2965 She let herself go 2966 For an hour or so 2967And now all her sisters are aunts. 2968% 2969A proctologist is a doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice. 2970% 2971A programmer down in Moline 2972Said, I'm the match for any machine. 2973 My secret's aversion, 2974 To loops and recursion, 2975Just acres of in-line routine. 2976 -- W.J. Wilson 2977% 2978A progressive professor named Winners 2979Held classes each evening for sinners. 2980 They were graded and spaced 2981 So the vile and debased 2982Would not be held back by beginners. 2983% 2984A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is 2985having fun. 2986% 2987A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep 2988up with yesterday. 2989% 2990A remarkable race are the Persians; 2991They have such peculiar diversions. 2992 They make love the whole day 2993 In the usual way 2994And save up the nights for perversions. 2995% 2996A retired schoolteacher finally decided that she was tired of living alone 2997and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided 2998to visit the local pet shop. The owner suggested a parrot, with which she 2999could conduct a civilized conversation. This seemed to be an excellent 3000idea, so she bought a handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room, 3001and said, "Say 'Pretty boy.'" Silence from the bird. "Come on now, say 3002'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'" 3003 At long last, disgustedly, the bird said, "Oh, shit." 3004 Shocked, the schoolteacher said, "Just for that, you get five minutes 3005in the refrigerator." Five minutes later she put the shivering bird back on 3006its perch and said, "Now let's hear it: 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'" 3007 "Damn it, wouldja lay off, lady?" said the parrot. 3008 Outraged, the woman grabbed the bird, said, "That's it! Ten minutes 3009in the freezer," and slammed the door on him. 3010 Hopping about to keep warm, what does the parrot come across but a 3011big frozen turkey waiting for Thanksgiving. Startled, he squawks, "My God, 3012you must have told the bitch to go fuck herself!" 3013% 3014A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From 3015his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched, 3016sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprietor, "How much 3017to replace this, Ian?" The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'll be four 3018pence." Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?" The prop. looks the 3019condom over carefully, and says "Three pence to repair." The Scotsman ponders 3020for a moment, then says, "I'll be back." 3021 Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and 3022says, "Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!" 3023% 3024A Scotsman clad in kilts left a bar one evening fair. 3025One could tell by how he walked, he'd drunk more than his share. 3026He staggered on until he could no longer keep his feet. 3027So he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street. 3028 3029Later on two young and lovely girls just happened by. 3030One says to the other, with a twinkle in her eye. 3031"See yon sleeping Scotsman so young and handsome built?" 3032"I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilts?" 3033 3034They stepped up to the Scotsman, so young and fancy free. 3035They lifted up his kilt above the waist so they could see. 3036And there behold for them the view beneath his Scottish skirt, 3037Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth. 3038 3039They marveled for a moment, then one said, "Best be gone." 3040"Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along." 3041As a gift they left a blue ribbon tied into a bow, 3042Around the bonny star of the Scot's kilt lifting show. 3043 3044The Scot awoke to nature's call and stumbled to the trees. 3045Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees. 3046Then in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes, 3047"Och, lad I dinna know whar' ya been, but I see ya won first prize." 3048 -- Mike Cross, "The Scotsman" 3049% 3050A sheriff arrived at the scene of the horrible accident just as his deputy, 3051all alone, was climbing down from the controls of a bulldozer. "Say, 3052Junior, what's goin' on?" asked the sheriff. 3053 "A bus full of migrant workers went out of control and over the 3054cliff, and I just finished buryin' 'em," explained the deputy. 3055 "Good work, boy," replied the sheriff. "Pretty gory work -- were 3056all of 'em dead?" 3057 Junior nodded sadly and said, "Some of them said they weren't, but 3058you know how them Mex'cans lie." 3059% 3060A shy young man, preparing himself for what he hoped would be the ultimate sex 3061act with a pretty young lady, went into a drugstore to inquire about sizes and 3062styles of condoms. The lusty proprietress, a buxom widow, saw an opportunity 3063for fun at the lad's expense. 3064 "Come in the back and try some on for size," she said, taking his hand. 3065The widow unzipped the youth's fly and watched the small instrument grow in 3066her hand as she measured it. When the weapon had unfurled to a rosy seven and 3067a half inches, the young man, unable to contain himself, had an orgasm with a 3068tremendous discharge. After recovering, he asked the widow if she could now 3069give him the proper size. 3070 "I'll do more than that," she said. "I'll give you free meals and a 3071half interest in the store." 3072% 3073A son takes his Italian immigrant father to his first baseball game. It 3074happens that it's Old Timer's Day at Yankee stadium and all the baseball 3075greats are there. The son escorts his father to box seats right on the 3076third base line and seats him with beer and a Yankees cap. 3077 The first batter up is Mickey Mantle. On the second pitch he 3078swings that bat and CRACK! The ball ricochets off the wall for a double. 3079The crowd goes crazy and the father stands up and yells, "Runna Mickey! 3080Runna Mickey!" 3081 The next batter up is Joe DiMaggio. The pitcher, pitching him 3082carefully, works him to a 3-2 count and just misses the outside corner. 3083 "Ball four!" yells the umpire and Joe tosses his bat aside and begins 3084to walk to first base. 3085 The father yells out, "Runna Joe! Runna Joe!" 3086 "No, no, Pop," corrects his son. "He got four balls. He walks." 3087 And the old man clenches his fist and says solemnly, "Walka proud 3088Joe. Walka proud." 3089% 3090A stately-looking matron was walking through the Bronx Zoo, studying the 3091animals. When she passed the porcupine enclosure she beckoned to a nearby 3092attendant. 3093 "Young man," she began, "do North American porcupines have sharper 3094pricks than those raised in Africa?" 3095 The attendant hesitated for a moment. "Well, ma'am," he answered, 3096"the African porcupine's quills are sharper... but I think their pricks are 3097about the same." 3098% 3099A stranger had just arrived in the mining town and was spending the evening at 3100the local saloon. After a few drinks, he mentioned to the bartender that he 3101hadn't seen a single woman in the entire town. 3102 The bartender replied, "Nope. Ain't no women in this town!" 3103 "No women? What do the men do for... er..." 3104 "Oh, for sex? Did you see all those pigs in the street? That's the 3105answer, right there." 3106 Shaking his head incredulously, the stranger settled back to his 3107drinking. Within a short time, however, the liquor had convinced him that he 3108wanted to try out a pig himself. He had watched several miners walk upstairs 3109to the trysting rooms with squealing piglets under their arms. Now, he was 3110game to make his move. He wandered out to the back of the saloon and chose 3111a nice fat, pink sow. As he walked to the stairs, the entire saloon went 3112quiet. In the embarrassing hush, all eyes were upon him. 3113 "What's the matter? I thought all you fellows did this!" 3114 "Yeah, but that's Black Bart's girl," replied the barkeep. 3115% 3116A sweet young schoolteacher who had always been virtuous was invited to go 3117for a ride in the country with the gym instructor, whom she admired. Under 3118a tree on the bank of a quiet lake, she struggled with her conscience and 3119with the gym instructor and finally gave in to the latter. Sobbing 3120uncontrollably she asked her seducer, 3121 "How can I ever face my students again, knowing I have sinned twice?" 3122 "Twice?" asked the young man, confused. 3123 "Why, yes," said the sweet teacher, wiping a tear from her eye. 3124"You're going to do it again, aren't you?" 3125% 3126A teacher announces to her class, "Children, the student who can name the 3127greatest man who ever lived will win a shiny red apple." 3128 Immediately an Italian boy raises his hand. 3129 "Yes, Tony?" 3130 "Christopher Columbus!" says Tony. 3131 "Well," says the teacher, "Christopher Columbus was a very great man, 3132but I don't think he was the greatest man who ever lived." 3133 From the back of the room little Bernie Goldstein raises his hand. 3134 "Yes, Bernie?" 3135 "Jesus Christ", says Bernie. 3136 "That is correct, Bernie," pronounces the teacher. "And here is 3137your apple." 3138 When Bernie gets up to the front of the room to claim his prize, 3139the teacher says, "Bernie, given the fact that you're Jewish, I'm surprised 3140that you thought Jesus was the greatest man who ever lived." 3141 "Well, actually," replies Bernie, "I do think Moses had the edge, 3142but business is business." 3143% 3144A team playing baseball in Dallas 3145Called the umpire blind out of malice. 3146 While this worthy had fits 3147 The team made eight hits 3148And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. 3149% 3150A toast to the kisses you've snatched and vice-versa. 3151% 3152A trapper named Francois Lefebrve 3153Once captured and buggered a beabrve. 3154 The result of this fuck 3155 Was a three titted duck, 3156A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve. 3157% 3158A traveling circus was performing in a small town, around the turn of the 3159century, when many of the circus animals were still considered to be very 3160rare and exotic. One night one of the elephants escaped. It was hungry 3161and found a garden in a little old lady's backyard. The woman, who had 3162never before seen an elephant, was hysterical and called the police. 3163 3164Little Old Lady: "There's a *huge* monster in my garden! 3165Police: "Calm down, ma'am, everything will be all right. Now exactly what 3166 does it look like?" 3167LOL: "It's a dark color and it's tremendous! It's pulling up my 3168 vegetables with its tail!" 3169Police: "With its tail? Then what's it doing?" 3170LOL: "You wouldn't believe me if I told you!" 3171% 3172A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry. 3173% 3174A virgin is chaste. 3175% 3176A virginal is a harpsichord that has never been plucked. 3177% 3178A virtuous abstinence from the joys of pederasty 3179comes most easily to those who have no taste for it. 3180 -- Oscar Wilde 3181% 3182A wanton young lady from Wimley 3183Reproached for not acting quite primly 3184 Said, "Heavens above! 3185 I know sex isn't love, 3186But it's such an entrancing facsimile." 3187% 3188A widow who fancied a man some 3189Was diddled three times in a hansom. 3190 When she clamored for more 3191 Her young man became sore 3192And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson." 3193% 3194A witty writer, K. Kraus in the Vienna "Fackel", has as it were, expressed 3195this truth paradoxically in the cynical saying: "Coitus is merely an 3196unsatisfactory substitute for onanism!" 3197 -- Sigmund Freud, attempting to explain why 3198 masturbation is "by no means harmless" 3199% 3200A woman had a followup visit with her doctor after his prescribing fairly high 3201dosages of testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried 3202about some of the side effects she was experiencing. 3203 "Doctor Keyes, the hormones you've been giving me have helped a lot 3204with my menopausal symptoms, but I'm really afraid that you're giving me too 3205much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before!" 3206 The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal 3207side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" 3208 "On my balls." 3209% 3210A woman is driving down the street, her ten-year-old daughter belted into 3211the passenger seat. The daughter asks "Mommy, how old are you?" 3212 The mother says "That's a personal question. It's not nice to ask 3213people personal questions." 3214 The daughter thinks a while, then asks "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" 3215 The mother replies "That's a personal question too. I'm not going 3216to tell you." 3217 Chastised, the daughter asks no more questions. The mother parks the 3218car. "I'm going to see Mrs. Tristan for a couple of minutes. You stay here in 3219the car and watch my purse." 3220 After the mother leaves, the daughter removes her mother's driver's 3221license from the purse, studies it for a few minutes and replaces it. When 3222her mother returns they drive off. The little girl comments: 3223 "Mommy, I know how old you are. You're 32." 3224 "That's right! How did you know?" 3225 "And you weigh 119 pounds." 3226 "Did you look in my purse?" 3227 "And I know why you and Daddy divorced." 3228 "You *do*?" 3229 "Yes," said the daughter. "Because you flunked sex!" 3230% 3231A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her 3232drawers. 3233 -- Blind Lemon Pledge 3234% 3235A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. 3236It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure. 3237 -- Karl Kraus, "Die Fackel" 3238% 3239A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments. 3240 -- Herodotus 3241% 3242A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social 3243pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate 3244woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without 3245love, without virtue, without sex. 3246 -- Honore de Balzac 3247% 3248A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot. 3249 -- Pancho Villa 3250% 3251A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long 3252as he can. 3253 -- Moms Mabley 3254% 3255A worried young man from Stamboul 3256Founds lots of red spots on his tool. 3257 Said the doctor, a cynic, 3258 "Get out of my clinic; 3259Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!" 3260% 3261A young boy is told by his puritanical father than he should never have 3262sex with a woman, because a woman has teeth in her vagina and will bite 3263off his penis. 3264 The years go by, and the boy finally marries. After a rather 3265uninspiring honeymoon his wife finally confronts him and demands that he 3266tell her why he won't make love to her. 3267 "Well, honey," he replies. "You have... teeth... down there." 3268 "What!?" she replies unbelievingly. "No I don't! Honest, darling, 3269come here and look for yourself." 3270 The man rather hesitantly examines her very thoroughly. 3271 "There!" his wife says triumphantly. "Now do you believe me?" 3272 "Yes," replied her husband. "And your gums are in *terrible* 3273condition." 3274% 3275A young lady friend of mine just swallowed a razor blade... 3276She performed a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, 3277three circumcisions, and cut off the finger of a casual friend. 3278% 3279A young man walks into a bus station, and goes into the men's room to relieve 3280himself. When he steps in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous penis 3281he has ever seen. As he urinates, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member 3282of the tiny man dressed in green. The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him 3283if he is indeed a real leprechaun. 3284 The little man says, "Aye, me laddie, I'm a leprechaun, and I can 3285grant you three wishes." 3286 "Oh, wow!" comes the reply, "What do I need to do?" 3287 "Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the 3288ladies, the thing not fittin' and all... I'll grant you your three wishes 3289if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick 'til I come." The man is a bit taken 3290aback, but agrees, realizing that the three wishes will be priceless. After 3291the tiny fellow has come, he starts to walk away. 3292 The man exclaims, "Hey, what about my three wishes?" 3293 Replies the leprechaun, "How old are you, me boy?" 3294 "25." 3295 "Aren't you a wee bit old to be believin' in leprechauns?" 3296% 3297A young New York housewife was shocked by some of the language used by her 3298daughter. When asked about it, the daughter said she had learned it from 3299a small girl she played with in the park. The next day, the mother sought 3300out the little girl as she played in the park. "Are you the little girl 3301who uses bad words?" 3302 "Who told you?" 3303 "A little bird," answered the mother. 3304 "Well, I like that!" exclaimed the small girl. "And I've been 3305feeding the little bastards, too!" 3306% 3307A young woman was afflicted with three brothers who had a friendly competition 3308as to who was the best practical joker. When she announced her marriage, 3309like all good brothers, they immediately found out where the honeymoon would 3310be and repaired there to do their worst, er, best. The brother who was a 3311carpenter went first, and came back out in five minutes. The brother who 3312worked as a plumber went second and was out in about half an hour. Finally, 3313the brother employed as a dentist went inside and came out almost immediately. 3314A few days after the start of their sister's honeymoon the brothers each 3315received a telegram from their sister. It read: 3316 3317 I liked the couch falling apart when we sat on it. I was amused 3318 when the shower went cold five minutes after it started. But I'm 3319 going to kill whoever put the novocaine into the KY jelly... 3320% 3321Aboard the good ship Venus, The cabin boy, the captain's joy, 3322The mast it was a penis, A cunning little nipper, 3323 Her figurehead They filled his ass, 3324 A whore in bed, With broken glass, 3325Good grief you should have seen us! And circumcised the skipper. 3326 3327The first mate's name was Higgins, The captain's daughter Mabel, 3328And Higgins was a biggins, They screwed when they were able, 3329 Once round the deck, They nailed her tits, 3330 Twice up the mast, Those nasty shits, 3331And the rest was used for riggins'! Right to the captain's table. 3332 3333The engineer's name was Carter, The second mate's name was Andy, 3334And Carter was a farter, By God, he was a dandy, 3335 When the wind wouldn't blow, They broke his cock, 3336 And the ship couldn't go, With chunks of rock, 3337Carter the farter would start her! For conking in the brandy! 3338% 3339Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder. 3340% 3341Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western 3342religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of 3343Western science. 3344 -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters" 3345% 3346AC/DC is a rock band. 3347 -- Bisexuality, 101 3348% 3349Achilles' Biological Findings: 3350 (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If he 3351 looks like a neighbor, that's environment. 3352 (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first 3353 -- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the 3354 rooster. 3355% 3356Adam's Law: 3357 (1) Women don't know what they want; 3358 they don't like what they have got. 3359 (2) Men know very well what they want; 3360 having got it, they begin to lose interest. 3361% 3362Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are better than sex, 3363and a lot more that are worse; but there's nothing quite like it... 3364% 3365Adopting the metric system would have certain psychological advantages -- 3366such as being able to claim 18 centimeters instead of seven inches. 3367% 3368ADULTERY: 3369 Putting yourself in someone else's position. 3370% 3371Advertising is the most fun of anything you can do with your clothes on. 3372 -- Mary Wells, advertising executive 3373% 3374After a few steamy dances and a few more drinks, the pickup couple 3375are back at his place tearing their clothes off. Things are really 3376starting to heat up when he leaps out of bed and starts frantically 3377rummaging through a dresser drawer. 3378 "What are you doing?" she asks. 3379 "Just a second, honey, I'm trying to find my lucky rubber." 3380% 3381After an evening at the theatre and several nightcaps at an intimate little 3382bistro, the young man whispered to his date, "How do you feel about making 3383love to men?" 3384 "That's MY business," she snapped. 3385 "Ah," he said. "A professional." 3386% 3387After cocktails in the Oak Room, the graying millionaire took the blond, 3388attractive, wholesome, winning young woman up to his suite. They chatted 3389for a while, and then kissed on the couch. A little fondling, some feeling 3390and petting ... to which the young lady lent herself shyly ... and then they 3391were in the wide, cool bed, naked together. They chatted more, established 3392a communion, a rapport the older man considered remarkably gratifying. The 3393girl seemed sympatico, innocent, good. 3394 "Yes, that was it," he thought, "essentially good. Why, she could 3395be my own daughter." He smiled into the young girl's deep blue eyes. 3396 "Tell me," he asked, his hand on her breast, "What's a nice girl 3397like you doing in a hotel like this?" 3398 "Oh, about $2000 a week, with tips." 3399% 3400After Joan and Max had been married for 25 years, Max became disinterested 3401in sex, and his libido began to wan dramatically. In desperation, Joan 3402hauled him to a marriage counselor, who listened patiently to Joan's complaints 3403and Max's protestations. Max claimed that he was being nagged unmercifully 3404to fulfill Joan's needs, and that after awhile every marriage tended to 3405become less physical. Joan said that that wasn't true and that she had 3406needs and desires that he, as her husband, was expected to fulfill. Finally, 3407the counselor issued the verdict. "Max," he said, "Everybody has to give a 3408little for a marriage to work. From now on, no matter how you feel at the 3409time, you must give Joan her conjugal rights at least semi-annually. And, 3410remember, do it in a loving, considerate manner; after all, you and your 3411wife are a partnership of love." Joan was delighted, and floated out of the 3412counselor's offices. On the way downstairs, she nudged Max. 3413 "So, honey, tell me... how many times a week is semi-annually?" 3414% 3415After making a daring escape from the penitentiary, the convict eluded 3416bloodhounds and police roadblocks and dodged helicopter searchlights on 3417his way to see his wife. Finally sneaking in the back entrance, he knocked 3418on the door and smiled triumphantly as she opened it. "Where the hell have 3419you been?" she blared. "You busted out more than six hours ago!" 3420% 3421After repeatedly warding off her date's amorous advances during the evening, 3422the pretty young thing decided to put her foot down: "See here," she shouted 3423indignantly. "This is positively the last time I'm going to tell you `no'." 3424 "Splendid!" exclaimed her date. "Now we can start making some 3425progress." 3426% 3427After rushing into a drugstore, the nervous young man was obviously 3428embarrassed when a prim thirty-ish woman asked if she could serve him. 3429 "N-no," he stammered, "I'd like to see the druggist." 3430 "I'm the druggist", she replied cheerfully. 3431 "Oh.. well, uh, it's nothing important," he said, and turned to leave. 3432 "Young man," said the woman, "my sister and I have been running this 3433drugstore for nearly ten years. There is nothing you can tell us that will 3434embarrass us. 3435 "Well, all right," he said. "I have this awful sexual hunger that 3436nothing will appease. No matter how many times I make love, I still want to 3437make love again and again. Is there anything you can give me for it?" 3438 "Just a moment," said the woman, "I'll have to discuss this with my 3439sister." 3440 A few minutes later, she returned. "The best we can do," she said, 3441"is room and board and a half-interest in the business." 3442% 3443After spending a forbidden night on the town, two young nuns were trying 3444to sneak through the fence surrounding their Convent. 3445 "You know," giggled one as she held the wire apart for the other 3446to crawl through, "I feel like a Marine." 3447 "So do I," the other nun sighed, "but where are we going to 3448find one at three in the morning?" 3449% 3450After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that 3451brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles." 3452 -- Ronnie Shakes 3453% 3454After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body. 3455 -- Joan Rivers 3456% 3457Ah spring, when a fancy young man lightly turns his lover over. 3458% 3459AI hackers do it robotically. 3460% 3461A.I. hackers do it with robots. 3462% 3463Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget 3464 cuts. 3465Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves. 3466Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion. 3467Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves. 3468% 3469Al Gore resembled a Vulcan desperately in need of a blow job. 3470 -- Bobcat Goldthwait 3471% 3472Alaska, where Moosehead isn't a beer, it's a misdemeanor. 3473 3474Q: You know how to figure out if your lover's been "involved"? 3475A: Antler marks on their hips. 3476% 3477Alcohol is like love: the first kiss is magic, the second is intimate, 3478the third is routine. After that you just take the girl's clothes off. 3479 -- Raymond Chandler 3480% 3481Alcoholics Anonymous is when you get to drink under someone else's name. 3482% 3483Alex came home from a business trip to Chicago and found no one home but his 3484daughter Rose, who was crying bitterly. 3485 "What's the matter, darling?" asked Alex. 3486 "Mommy almost died last night," sobbed Rose. 3487 "That's nonsense," said the father. "Why do you say that?" 3488 "Well," said Rose,"you always told us that when we die we'll see God; 3489so when I heard Mommy moaning last night I rushed to her bedroom and she was 3490screaming, "Oh God, here I come," and she would have but Uncle Jerry held her 3491down." 3492% 3493"Algorithms" is an anagram for "Hilt orgasm". Maybe this explains 3494the popularity of this field of study in computer science. 3495% 3496Alimony, n.: 3497 Having an ex you can bank on. 3498% 3499All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm 3500place to shift. 3501% 3502All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell 3503them apart. 3504% 3505All I really want in life is a piece and some quiet. 3506% 3507All I want is a girl made of wood, 3508With fine-grained hair and carven knee. 3509She wouldn't drink and wouldn't smoke, 3510Oh, wooden tit be loverly? 3511 -- Pinocchio 3512% 3513All jobs should be open to everybody, unless they actually require a 3514penis or a vagina. 3515 -- Florynce Kennedy 3516 3517There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis 3518or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone. 3519 -- Gloria Steinem 3520% 3521All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most 3522injurious things against him, but we never hear his side. 3523 -- Mark Twain 3524% 3525All the girls in France, do a hookie-kookie dance, 3526And you know the way they shake, is enough to fry a snake, 3527And the snake they fry, is enough to tell a lie, 3528And the lie they tell, is enough to go to 3529Hello, operator, give me number nine, 3530If you disconnect me, I'll kick you in the 3531Behind the 'frigerator, there was a piece of glass, 3532If you do not pick it up, I'll kick you in the 3533Ask me no more questions, tell me no more lies, 3534This is what Lulu told me, just before she died. 3535She had a little brother, she named him Tiny Tim, 3536She put him in the potty, to see if he could swim. 3537He swam down to the bottom, he swam up to the top, 3538Lulu got disgusted, and flushed him down the pot. 3539 -- Princess 3540% 3541All the waters of the earth are in the armpit of the Great Frog. 3542 -- R. Crumb 3543% 3544All things dull and ugly, Each little snake that poisons, 3545All creatures short and squat, Each little wasp that stings, 3546All things rude and nasty, He made their brutish venom, 3547The Lord God made the lot; He made their horrid wings. 3548 3549All things sick and cancerous, Each nasty little hornet, 3550All evil great and small, Each beastly little squid. 3551All things foul and dangerous, Who made the spikey urchin? 3552The Lord God made them all. Who made the sharks? He did. 3553 3554All things scabbed and ulcerous, 3555All pox both great and small. 3556Putrid, foul and gangrenous, 3557The Lord God made them all. 3558 -- Monty Python 3559% 3560All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat, 3561 All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot; 3562Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings, 3563 He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings. 3564All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small, 3565 All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all. 3566Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid. 3567 Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks? He did. 3568All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small. 3569 Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all. 3570 -- Monty Python's Flying Circus 3571% 3572All this big deal about white collar crime -- what's WRONG with white collar 3573crime? Who enjoys his job today? You? Me? Anybody? The only satisfying 3574part of any job is coffee break, lunch hour and quitting time. Years ago 3575there was at least the hope of improvement -- eventual promotion -- more 3576important jobs to come. Once you can be sold the myth that you may make 3577president of the company you'll hardly ever steal stamps. But nobody 3578believes he's going to be president anymore. The more people change jobs 3579the more they realize that there is a direct connection between working for 3580a living and total stupefying boredom. So why NOT take revenge? You're not 3581going to find ME knocking a guy because he pads an expense account and his 3582home stationery carries the company emblem. Take away crime from the white 3583collar worker and you will rob him of his last vestige of job interest. 3584 -- J. Feiffer 3585% 3586All work and no pay makes a housewife. 3587% 3588Already the spirit of our schooling is permeated with the feeling that every 3589subject, every topic, every fact, every professed truth must be submitted 3590to a certain publicity and impartiality. All proffered samples of learning 3591must go to the same assay-room and be subjected to common tests. It is the 3592essence of all dogmatic faiths to hold that any such "show-down" is 3593sacrilegious and perverse. The characteristic of religion, from their point 3594of view, is that it is intellectually secret, not public; peculiarly revealed, 3595not generally known; authoritatively declared, not communicated and tested 3596in ordinary ways...It is pertinent to point out that, as long as religion 3597is conceived as it is now by the great majority of professed religionists, 3598there is something self-contradictory in speaking of education in religion 3599in the same sense in which we speak of education in topics where the method 3600of free inquiry has made its way. The "religious" would be the last to be 3601willing that either the history of the content of religion should be taught 3602in this spirit; while those to whom the scientific standpoint is not merely 3603a technical device, but is the embodiment of the integrity of mind, must 3604protest against its being taught in any other spirit. 3605 -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools" (1908) 3606% 3607Although a fifth-generation American, Father Sweeny was more Irish than most 3608of Erin's natives. He spoke with an Irish brogue which had mysteriously 3609appeared during his nineteenth year and he *hated* the English. Due to his 3610proclivity to belabor the British from his pulpit, complaints to his 3611superiors were not infrequent. He would blame anything evil or merely 3612inconvenient on the English people. If there was an act of terrorism, the 3613responsibility was promptly laid at the feet of the Brits. If there was a 3614natural disaster, undoubtedly the English government was an accessory to 3615the fact, if not outrightly culpable. Repeatedly, his superiors called him 3616on the carpet for his behavior. After a particularly vituperative 3617anti-British broadside, the Bishop instructed Father Sweeny to come straight 3618to his office; do not pass GO; do not collect two hundred dollars. Summing 3619up a humiliating and soul-marking reprimand, the Bishop ended with: "Next 3620week is Saint Patrick's Day. If you so much as *mention* the British, it's 3621your last sermon!" 3622 3623The following Sunday, as Father Sweeny spoke lovingly and eloquently of 3624Saint Patrick, and he made a reference to the last Passover celebrated by 3625Christ and His disciples. "Sure, an' you're all familiar with the tale. 3626You know that Our Lord sat at the table and told his disciples that one 3627among them would betray Him. As He looked around the table, He stopped at 3628Peter, the Rock, who said, `Not I, Lord!' He looked at Thomas, who doubted, 3629and Thomas said, `I could never do such a thing!' Then the Lord looked long 3630and hard at Judas Iscariot, who said, `Cor, bloimy, Guv'na, you couldn't 3631main may!'" 3632% 3633Always talk to your wife while you're 3634making love... if there's a phone handy. 3635% 3636Ambition, n.: 3637 An ant crawling up an elephant's leg with rape on his mind. 3638% 3639America ... just a nation of two hundred million used car salesman 3640with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing 3641anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable. 3642 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: 3643 On the Campaign Trail" 3644% 3645America cannot be sold a can of beer without 3646being offered a piece of pussy along with it. 3647 -- Julius Lester 3648% 3649America, I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel. 3650 -- Allen Ginsberg 3651% 3652America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it 3653wags its tail, it knocks over a chair. 3654 -- Arnold Joseph Toynbee 3655% 3656American culture is based on the automobile, and any young man of promise 3657is going to own one and want to travel great distances in it. Consequently, 3658any young woman of aspiration should expect to spend most of her vacations 3659in a car, probing into unfamiliar corners. She is not required to know how 3660to drive but she will certainly be expected to read the road map while her 3661husband drives, and if she can't, or if she's abnormally slow in giving him 3662help, she's bound to cause trouble. Therefore, you'd think that colleges 3663which train the bright young women who're going to marry the bright young 3664men who are going to own the Cadillacs that roar back and forth across this 3665continent would teach the girls to read maps. None do. They teach a hundred 3666other useless things, but never a word about the one that will cause the 3667greatest friction. 3668 -- James Michener, "Space" 3669% 3670America's two greatest inventions are finger-fucking and carpet-bombing. 3671 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 3672% 3673An 11 is a 10 who doesn't have headaches. 3674% 3675An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese refugee had a discussion about 3676the happiness of life. 3677 "To me, happiness is returning home on a Monday evening, having a wonderful 3678dinner prepared by my wife, then slouching on the sofa watching Monday Night 3679Football," the American said. 3680 "You Americans are not romantic at all", the French injected, "Sharing 3681a beautiful evening with my lover, walking along the Seine river, and having a 3682romantic dinner on top of the Eiffel tower. That is happiness of life." 3683 "You call those things happiness", the Vietnamese laughed, "then you 3684two still don't understand life at all. Imagine this. You are sleeping 3685soundly at night in Saigon. Then suddenly you hear loud knocks on your front 3686door. You hear loud voices, 'Mr. Nguyen Van Binh, open the door!'. Quaking 3687with fear, you rush out and open the door. Right there, you see two secret 3688policemen ready to handcuff you. One of them says to you, 'Mr. Nguyen Van 3689Binh, you are under arrest for your anti-revolutionary activities. You are 3690being sent to the re-educational camp tonight!' Sweating profusely and 3691shaking uncontrollably, you reply to them, 'Comrades, Mr. Nguyen Van Binh 3692lives next door.' That moment is happiness in life, my friends. 3693% 3694An American businessman in London was given special visitor's privileges at an 3695exclusive men's club. Striding in one afternoon, the American approached the 3696only other man in the lounge and tried to strike up a conversation. "Care 3697for a cigar?" he asked. 3698 "No, thank you," the Englishman replied. "I tried smoking once and 3699didn't like it." 3700 "Would you care to join me in the bar for a drink, then?" the 3701businessman asked. 3702 "No, thank you. I tried drinking once and it didn't agree with me." 3703 "Well, how about a game of billiards?" 3704 "Sorry. I tried it once and couldn't seem to get the hang of it." 3705 As the American started to turn away, the Englishman said, "But my 3706son will be here shortly, and I'm sure he would enjoy a game with you." 3707 "Your son? An only child, I presume." 3708% 3709An American couple is in Paris, a much awaited trip, when suddenly the wife 3710dies of a heart attack. The husband decides to have her buried there as the 3711visit to France was something they had longed for for many years. All 3712arrangements are made when he suddenly realizes that he doesn't have a black 3713hat for the funeral. The hotel concierge tells him that what he wants is a 3714"chapeau noir." So off he goes to find a store open late. 3715 First he meets a gendarme and in his fractured French asks, "M'sieur, 3716ou pouvais-je acheter un capeau noir?" 3717 The policeman is a bit surprised but, after thinking a bit, gives our 3718friend directions. The store -- if that is what it is -- looks a little seedy 3719and run down, but the man behind the counter looks friendly so in goes our 3720hero. He speaks first: 3721 "M'sieur, je veux acheter un capeau noir." 3722 "Mais, monsieur, j'ai des capeaux rouges, des capeaux blancs, et des 3723capeaux marrons, mais pas des capeaux noires. Pourquoi avez vous besoin d'un 3724capeau noir?" 3725 "Ma femme est morte." 3726 "O Monsieur! Quelle beau sentiment!" 3727% 3728An American walks into an Irish pub around lunchtime, and finds the place 3729is completely filled and there are no chairs available, with the exception 3730of one -- seating a Chihuahua next to a woman. He very politely asks her 3731if she would mind placing her dog on the floor for a few minutes while he 3732got a quick bite to eat. 3733 "I most certainly would!", the woman haughtily replies. "Little 3734Fifi *always* sits next to me at lunchtime and there she will stay!" 3735 Whereupon, the American picks up the Chihuahua, throws it out of 3736an open window and takes the seat. 3737 An Irishman, watching the whole encounter, walks over, taps the 3738American on the shoulder and says, "Mate, I guess I never will understand 3739you Americans. You drink your beer cold, drive on the right side of the 3740street, and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window!" 3741% 3742An angst-ridden amorist, Fred, 3743Saw sartorial changes ahead. 3744 His mind kept on ringing 3745 With fishy girls singing; 3746Soft fruit also filled him with dread. 3747 -- J. Walker, "The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock" 3748% 3749An architect fellow named Yoric 3750Could, when feeling euphoric, 3751 Display for selection 3752 Three kinds of erection -- 3753Corinthian, ionic, and doric. 3754% 3755An Army travels on her stomach. 3756% 3757An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: it gets laid once; it gets 3758eaten once. It also has to come in a box with 11 others, and the only 3759person who will sit on its face is its mother. 3760% 3761An encounter with a beautiful woman is good medicine for the well organized 3762logical mind -- a little jolt never hurt. Note that the anarchists have 3763been saying this for years about the A-bomb and civilization. 3764 -- Encyclopadia Apocryphia 3765% 3766An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's 3767chance to kiss the tea-girl. It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the 3768Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone 3769who has seen the Managing Director face on). 3770 -- Katherine Whitehorn, "Roundabout" 3771% 3772And Bezel saideth unto Sham: "Sham," he saideth, "Thou shalt goest 3773unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine 3774bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits, 3775provideth that they are nice and fresh." 3776 -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion" 3777% 3778And do you not think that each of you women is an Eve? The judgment of God 3779upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of 3780criminal at the bar of justice. 3781 -- Tertullian, second-century Christian writer 3782% 3783...And have you ever noticed that you never see the Father, the Son, and 3784the Holy Ghost partying together at the same time? Oh, sure, everybody 3785talks like they aren't the same person, but I wonder... 3786% 3787And having stretched me out upon his bed with my head a little to one side, 3788he sat down next to me and raised my head upon his lap. He peered avidly at 3789me, his eyes seemed ready to devour the secretion oozing from my nose. "Oh, 3790the pretty little snotface," said he, beginning to pant, "How I'm going to 3791suck her." Therewith bending down over me, and taking my nose in his mouth, 3792not only did he devour all the mucus between my nose and mouth, but he even 3793lewdly darted the tip of his tongue into each of my nostrils, one after the 3794other, and with such cleverness he provoked two or three sneezes which 3795redoubled the flow he desired and was consuming so hungrily. But ask me for 3796no details bearing upon this fellow, Messieurs, nothing appeared, and whether 3797because he did nothing, or because he did it all in his drawers, there was 3798nothing to be seen, and amidst the multitude of his kisses and lecherous 3799lickings there was nothing outstanding which might have denoted an ecstasy, 3800and consequently it is my opinion that he did not discharge. All my clothes 3801were in place, even his hands stayed still, and I give you my word that this 3802old libertine's fantasy might be performed upon the world's most respectable 3803and least initiated girl without her being able to suppose there was anything 3804lewd in it at all. 3805 -- Marquis de Sade 3806% 3807And let me the canakin clink, clink; 3808and let me the canakin clink. 3809 A soldier's a man; 3810 O, man's life's but a span, 3811Why then, let a soldier drink. 3812% 3813And now, the Bing Crosby show, brought to you by the makers of Ex-Lax. 3814... a brief pause, and then Bing! 3815% 3816And on the third day, Christ arose, pushed aside the rock that had served 3817as the tomb door, and walked again on the earth. 3818 And as he departed, a passer-by pointed at the door Jesus had left 3819open. "What's the matter with you?" he said. "Born in a barn?" 3820% 3821And prively he caughte hire by the queynte, 3822And heeld hire harde by the haunche-bones. 3823 -- Geoffrey Chaucer, "The Miller's Tale" 3824% 3825And so it goes. It is humiliating, when you should know better, to become 3826victim of the timeless story of the little brown dog running across the 3827freight yard, crossing all the railroad tracks until a switch engine nipped 3828off the end of his tail between wheel and rail. The little dog yelped, and 3829he spun so quickly to check himself out that the next wheel chopped through 3830his little brown neck. The moral is, of course, never lose your head over 3831a piece of tail. 3832 -- John D. MacDonald, "The Scarlet Ruse" 3833% 3834And the northern lights commenced to glow. 3835And she said, with a tear in her eye, 3836"Watch out where the huskies go, and don't you eat that yellow snow." 3837 -- Frank Zappa, "The Story of Nanook and the Fur Trapper" 3838% 3839And then there was the lawyer that stepped in cow manure and thought 3840he was melting... 3841% 3842"And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband, as he came 3843upon his wife in bed with another man. The wife turned and smiled at her 3844companion. 3845 "See?" she said. "I told you he was stupid!" 3846% 3847Another greeting card category consists of those persons who send out 3848photographs of their families every year. In the same mail that brought the 3849greetings from Marcia and Philip, my friend found such a conversation piece. 3850"My God, Lida is enormous!" she exclaimed. I don't know why women want to 3851record each year, for two or three hundred people to see, the ravages wrought 3852upon them, their mates, and their progeny by the artillery of time, but 3853between five and seven per cent of Christmas cards, at a rough estimate, are 3854family groups, and even the most charitable recipient studies them for little 3855signs of dissolution or derangement. Nothing cheers a woman more, I am afraid, 3856than the proof that another woman is letting herself go, or has lost control 3857of her figure, or is clearly driving her husband crazy, or is obviously 3858drinking more than is good for her, or still doesn't know what to wear. 3859Middle-aged husbands in such photographs are often described as looking 3860"young enough to be her son," but they don't always escape so easily, and a 3861couple opening envelopes in the season of mercy and good will sometimes handle 3862a male friend or acquaintance rather sharply. "Good Lord!" the wife will say. 3863"Frank looks like a sex-crazed shotgun slayer, doesn't he?" "Not to me," the 3864husband may reply. "to me he looks more like a Wilkes-Barre dentist who is 3865being sought by the police in connection with the disappearance of a choir 3866singer." 3867 -- James Thurber, "Merry Christmas" 3868% 3869Another nun joke!!! 3870 You see, three nuns were walking down the street, when suddenly 3871this flasher jumped out in front of them and opened his trench coat, 3872exposing his all to the sisters. Well, two of the nuns had strokes right 3873there, but the third nun wouldn't touch it. 3874% 3875Another stupid gay joke!!! 3876 You see, this gay man walks into a Texas bar and orders a strawberry 3877daiquiri. The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't 3878serve your kind, buddy, why don't you get out of here before the boys come 3879in and kick your ass?" 3880 The guy whimpers a little and lisps, "Pleasse misssture I am soooo 3881thurstay ..." 3882 Well, the bartender feels somewhat sorry for him and hands him a beer 3883on the house on the condition that he drink it in the back and leave as soon 3884as he's done. A little while later, a hulking cowboy walks in and up to the 3885bar. He slams his fist on the bar and hollers, "I'm so thirsty, I could 3886lick the sweat off of a bulls' balls!" 3887 From the back of the bar comes the cry... "Moo, moo, buckaroooooo!!!" 3888% 3889Anxiety, n.: 3890 The first time you can't do it a second time. 3891 3892Panic, n.: 3893 The second time you can't do it the first time. 3894% 3895Any girl who believes that the way to a man's heart is through 3896his stomach is obviously setting her standards too high. 3897% 3898Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her. 3899% 3900Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator. 3901 -- Claude Shouse 3902 3903Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist. 3904 -- Joseph C. Wang 3905% 3906Anything more than three shakes is for fun. 3907% 3908APL hackers take all they want. 3909% 3910Apple owners do it with mice! 3911% 3912APPOINTMENT BOOK: 3913 The reference of last resort when trying to duck undesired 3914 invitations ("Gee, the soonest I can pencil you in is 3915 December, 2039"), or when trying to figure out what the hell 3916 it was you did during the past year. 3917% 3918Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons 3919released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and 3920enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources. 3921 -- Ronald Reagan 3922% 3923Are there those in the land of the brave 3924Who can tell me how I should behave 3925 When I am disgraced 3926 Because I erased 3927A file I intended to save? 3928% 3929ARIES (Mar. 21 to Apr. 19) 3930 Be cheerful today. People who don't like you will outnumber those 3931 who do. You have warts. Focus on domestic status, financial matters, 3932 and venereal disease. Look for involvement with Libra or Aquarius 3933 natives; probably a fistfight with one of each. 3934% 3935Arkansas: 3936 Where the men are men, so are the women and the sheep run scared. 3937% 3938As fathers commonly go, it is seldom a misfortune to be fatherless; 3939and considering the general run of sons, as seldom a misfortune to 3940be childless. 3941 3942The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is, 3943doubtless, a separation. 3944 -- Lord Chesterfield, letter to his son (1763) 3945% 3946As for Carter being for registration but against the draft, isn't that 3947sort of being like for putting it in and not taking it out? Even if it 3948was possible not to follow through, you'd still be getting screwed. 3949% 3950As long as your ass is pointed at the ground, don't fuck with me. 3951% 3952As my dear auntie used to say, "Love makes the world go 'round, but sex 3953makes the ride fun." 3954% 3955As near as I can tell, you're not any crazier 3956than the average asshole on the street. 3957 -- R.P. McMurphy, "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" 3958% 3959As part of an equal opportunity project, a memo was sent to all the offices 3960within External Affairs asking for "A list of all employees broken down by 3961sex." 3962 One of the memos was returned with the notation: "I'm sorry: we 3963know of nobody in this office who fits your criteria. We do, however, 3964have two alcoholics." 3965% 3966As Rev. Spooner would say, you are a shining wit. 3967% 3968As she lay there dozing next beside me, a voice inside my head kept 3969saying "Relax... you're not the first doctor who's ever slept with 3970one of his patients," but another voice kept reminding me, "Howard, 3971you're a veterinarian." 3972% 3973As the Catholic church becomes more and more tolerant, some day they will 3974have to consider the possibility of a gay pope. Possibly the largest 3975issue will be having to decide whether he is "absolutely divine" or "just 3976simply marvelous." 3977% 3978As the recent sightings of bumper stickers reading "IN CASE OF RAPTURE, THIS 3979VEHICLE WILL BE UNMANNED" have created a great deal of confusion, Fortune 3980offers the following excerpts from the 1989 printing of the State of Maryland 3981Driver's Handbook: 3982 If you notice a glorious light in the sky, a sound as of an infinite 3983choir of unearthly voices, and a host of winged beings descending from the 3984heavens, do not panic. If you are on the freeway, move to the shoulder as 3985soon as it is safe to do so, activate your hazard blinkers, and wait for the 3986end of the world. If you are Saved, it is especially important that you do 3987this BEFORE you are carried to your Eternal Reward, in order that your vehicle 3988not become a hazard to others. Remember, Rapture is the number one cause of 3989automobile accidents during major spiritual upheavals. You may experience a 3990feeling of discorporation ("being pulled from one's body") while driving. To 3991ensure the safety of your passengers and other drivers, move to the shoulder 3992as soon as you notice any of the following symptoms: 3993 -- An overwhelming sense of peace and happiness. 3994 -- Visions of the faces of deceased family members. 3995 -- A glorious figure in white, beckoning from the end of a tunnel of 3996white mist (do not confuse this with traffic control or maintenance officers, 3997who wear dark blue and safety orange.) 3998 Once the feeling has passed, inspect your surroundings. If still in 3999your car, you have probably suffered a stroke and should have someone drive 4000you to a hospital at once. If you find yourself in the Kingdom of God, consult 4001the local officials for information on local traffic rules and regulations. 4002% 4003As the truck driver came flying over the top of a steep hill, he spotted two 4004figures in his path rolling around in the middle of the road. The driver blew 4005his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued their lovemaking, 4006oblivious to his warnings. The truck finally slid to a halt barely three 4007inches from the pair. "Are you crazy?" the driver screamed at them. "You 4008could have been killed!" 4009 The man stood up and faced the driver. "Well, I was coming, she was 4010coming and you were coming," he panted, "and you were the only one with 4011brakes." 4012% 4013As they say about Dungeons and Dragons, "Life's a die, and then you bitch." 4014% 4015Ass, n.: 4016 The masculine of "lass". 4017% 4018Ass, grass or gas... nobody rides for free! 4019% 4020Assassins do it from behind. 4021% 4022At her annual checkup, the attractive young woman is told by the doctor that 4023it's necessary to take her temperature rectally. She agrees and bends over 4024the examining table, but a few seconds later says indignantly, "Doctor, that's 4025NOT my rectum!" 4026 "Madam," says the doctor, "that's not my thermometer!" 4027 Just then, the woman's husband, hearing her voice, comes into the 4028room. "Just what the hell is going on here?" he demands. 4029 "I'm taking your wife's temperature," the doctor cooly replies. 4030 "Okay, doc, you know best," says the husband as he picks a scalpel 4031off the doctor's desk, "but when that thing comes out, it better have 4032numbers on it!" 4033% 4034At last, the first Soviet, artificially intelligent computer had been produced. 4035The engineers did not get it, nor the physicists. First things first: it went 4036to the institute of Marxism-Leninism. 4037 4038"IS IT POSSIBLE TO BUILD SOCIALISM IN SWITZERLAND?" typed in one of the 4039 theologians. 4040"YES," replied the computer. "BUT IT WOULD BE SUCH A PITY TO DESTROY 4041 SUCH A BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY." 4042% 4043At twenty-six, Kate, though not promiscuous, had slept with most of the 4044decent men in public life. 4045 -- Renata Adler 4046% 4047Attractive bisexual young woman seeks same for high mellow times. 4048% 4049Australia's a lovely land 4050It's full of bonza blokes, 4051Sheilas, beer and no-one's queer 4052Except in Pommie jokes. 4053 4054Australians are lovely chaps 4055They're God's own chosen race. 4056If they ever see a fairy Pom 4057They'll smash him in the face. 4058 4059Australians like dressing up 4060In skirts and having fun 4061And that's all we were doing 4062When the Vice Squad came along. 4063 -- Monty Python 4064% 4065A-Z affectionately, 40661 to 10 alphabetically, 4067from here to eternity without in betweens, 4068still looking for a custom fit in an off-the-rack world, 4069sales talk from sales assistants 4070 when all i want to do is lower your resistance, 4071no rhythm in cymbals no tempo in drums, 4072love's on arrival, 4073she comes when she comes, 4074right on the target but wide of the mark... 4075% 4076B4 I4Q, RU/18 QT 3.14 4077% 4078Bachelors' wives and old maids' children are always perfect. 4079 -- Nicolas Chamfort 4080% 4081Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was 4082popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red- 4083blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from 4084back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city- 4085slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, 4086"Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job." The Texas gentleman looked 4087appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the 4088spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah 4089honor!" Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, 4090hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!" 4091% 4092Balls Law: 4093 The angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the heat 4094 of the meat provided that the thrusts of the busts are constant. 4095% 4096Baltimore, n.: 4097 Where the women wear turtleneck sweaters to hide their flea 4098collars. 4099% 4100Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal). 4101% 4102Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed. 4103Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed. 4104Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice, 4105Unless you get a good percentage of her price ... 4106 -- Tom Lehrer 4107% 4108Beat me, bite me, whip me, fuck me, make me write bad checks! 4109% 4110Beauty, n.: 4111 The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband. 4112 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 4113% 4114Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another. 4115% 4116Because woman's work is never done and is underpaid or unpaid or boring or 4117repetitious and we're the first to get the sack and what we look like is 4118more important than what we do and if we get raped it's our fault and if we 4119get bashed we must have provoked it and if we raise our voices we're nagging 4120bitches and if we enjoy sex nymphos and if we don't we're frigid and if we 4121love women it's because we can't get a "real" man and if we ask our doctor 4122too many questions we're neurotic and/or pushy and if we expect community 4123care for children we're selfish and if we stand up for our rights we're 4124aggressive and "unfeminine" and if we don't we're typical weak females and 4125if we want to get married we're out to trap a man and if we don't we're 4126unnatural and because we still can't get an adequate safe contraceptive but 4127men can walk on the moon and if we can't cope or don't want a pregnancy we're 4128made to feel guilty about abortion and... for lots and lots of other reasons 4129we are part of the women's liberation movement. 4130% 4131Bedfellows make strange politicians. 4132% 4133Beef stroganoff, n.: 4134 A bull masturbating. 4135% 4136"Before we get married," said the young woman to her fiancee, "I want to 4137confess some affairs that I've had in the past." 4138 "But you told me all about those a few weeks ago," her young man 4139replied. 4140 "Yes, darling," she explained, "but that was a few weeks ago." 4141% 4142Behold the unborn fetus and 4143 Weep salt tears crocodilian; 4144All life is sacred (save, of course, 4145 An enemy civilian). 4146% 4147Beifeld's Principle: 4148 The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive 4149 young female increases by pyramidical progression when he 4150 is already in the company of (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a 4151 better-looking and richer male friend. 4152 -- R. Beifeld 4153% 4154Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. 4155To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football. 4156 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 4157% 4158Being stoned on marijuana isn't very different from being stoned on 4159gin. 4160 -- Ralph Nader 4161% 4162Bend over and take it like a man! 4163% 4164Beneath this stone a virgin lies, 4165For her life held no terrors. 4166A virgin born, a virgin died: 4167No hits, no runs, no errors. 4168% 4169Beneath this stone lies Murphy, 4170They buried him today, 4171He lived the life of Riley, 4172While Riley was away. 4173% 4174Benny Hill: Would you like a peanut? 4175Girl: No, thank you, I don't want to be under obligation. 4176Benny Hill: You won't be under obligation for a peanut. 4177 It's not as if it were a chocolate bar or something. 4178% 4179Better a sister in a whorehouse than a brother on a Honda. 4180% 4181BETTER LATE THAN NEVER: 4182 The single girl's motto. 4183% 4184Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. 4185 -- Mae West 4186% 4187Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose. 4188% 4189Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all 4190evil. 4191% 4192Bi now, gay later! 4193% 4194Big Toe: The pad of the male big toe applied to the clitoris or the vulva 4195generally is a magnificent erotic instrument. The famous gentleman in erotic 4196prints who is keeping six women occupied is using tongue, penis, both hands, 4197and both big toes. Use the toe in mammary or armpit intercourse or any time 4198you are astride her, or sit facing as she lies or sits. Make sure the nail 4199isn't sharp. In a restaurant, in these days of tights one can surreptitiously 4200remove a shoe and sock, reach over, and keep her in almost continuous orgasm 4201with all four hands fully in view on the table top and no sign of contact-- 4202A party trick which really rates as advanced sex. She has less scope, but 4203can learn to masturbate him with her two big toes. The toes are definitely 4204erogenic areas, and can be kissed, sucked, tickled, or tied with stimulating 4205results. 4206 -- The Joy of Sex 4207 [Avoid armpit intercourse when razor stubble is present. Ed.] 4208% 4209Bill and Jim were walking home from work. As they walked along, they 4210discussed their wives' spending habits. "I don't understand how women 4211can spend so much money," Bill exclaimed. "I mean, understand, she 4212don't drink, and she's got her own pussy!" 4213% 4214Birth, copulation and death. 4215That's all the facts when you come to brass tacks; 4216Birth, copulation and death. 4217 -- T.S. Elliot, "Sweeney Agonistes" 4218% 4219Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. 4220 -- Woody Allen 4221% 4222Bitch, bitch, bitch -- 4223That's all I ever hear, 4224Ever since the dog ate the baby, 4225"Get rida the dog, get rida the dog." 4226% 4227Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth. 4228% 4229Blow it out your ass! 4230% 4231BOHICA: 4232 Bend over, here it comes again. 4233% 4234Bondage, or as the French call it, ligottage, is the gentle art of tying up 4235your sex partner --- not to overcome reluctance but to boost orgasm. It's 4236one unscheduled sex technique which a lot of people find extremely exciting 4237but are scared to try, and a venerable human resource for increasing sexual 4238feeling, partly because it's a harmless expression of sexual aggression -- 4239something we badly need, our culture being very uptight about it -- and more 4240because of its physical affects: slow orgasm when unable to move is a 4241mind-blowing experience for anyone not too frightened of their own aggressive 4242self to try it. 4243 -- The Joy of Sex 4244% 4245Bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous 4246Census Taker". It's about a guy who comes once every ten years. 4247% 4248Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question. 4249% 4250Brain on vacation, penis on autopilot. 4251% 4252Breakfast sometime? 4253 Sure. 4254Shall I call you or just nudge you? 4255% 4256Bridget O'Flaherty McHugh 4257Held venal traffic with a gnu. 4258Mistaking fore for aft one morn 4259Impaled herself upon its horn. 4260 4261Moral: Those who seek high ends should shun 4262 our furred and feathered friends. 4263% 4264Brigands will demand your money or 4265your life, but a woman will demand both. 4266 -- Samuel Butler 4267% 4268Bringing your mate to a convention is like taking a game warden hunting. 4269% 4270Britain has lowered the tax on chastity belts by about 60 cents each... 4271[reclassifying them] as a safety device rather than... clothing 4272 -- NY Times 4273% 4274Brother Jim's recent appearance on the William and Mary campus this past 4275week was cut short by an ingenious device designed by two computer science 4276students. A three-foot bar of extruded aluminum was precisely machined, 4277with a hole milled down the center of precisely the dimensions of one of 4278the small Gideon bibles. The end capped off, a CO2 canister was connected 4279to provide up to 2,000 PSIG. Preliminary estimates during field testing 4280revealed a muzzle velocity of approximately 120-150 MPH for bibles exiting 4281the tube. Sufficient ammunition was obtained during a previous visit to 4282campus by another religious organization, and the system was first used on 4283Brother Jim, who suffered a broken rib and numerous small bruises, in 4284addition to the usual humiliation. 4285% 4286Brunette bush, n.: 4287 The dark side of the moon. 4288% 4289Bug, n.: 4290 A son of a glitch. 4291% 4292Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, 4293Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was 4294the new bait. The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; 4295nobody cares much about cheese, except mice. But when American 4296Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in 4297the country was hopelessly trapped. 4298 -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" 4299% 4300But if it's 80% glucose, then why does it taste salty? 4301 -- Anonymous med school student 4302% 4303But they'll never mechanize me -- not me! 4304Said Charlotte, the Louisville harlot. 4305 -- S.I. Hayakawa 4306% 4307But we've only fondled the surface of that subject. 4308 -- Virginia Masters, of Master & Johnson 4309% 4310Buy old masters. They fetch better prices than old mistresses. 4311 -- Lord Beaverbrook 4312% 4313By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you 4314get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. 4315 -- Socrates 4316% 4317CAD: 4318 A man who doesn't tell his wife 4319 that he's sterile until she's pregnant. 4320% 4321CALIFORNIA: 4322 From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English 'calorie' or 4323 Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual intercourse" or 4324 "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." 4325 -- Ed Moran, Covina, California 4326% 4327California is proud to be the home of the freeway. 4328 -- Ronald Reagan 4329% 4330Call for Ms. Lingus, Ms. Connie Lingus... 4331% 4332Callgirl, n.: 4333 A negotiable blond. 4334% 4335Camille's Axiom: 4336 If you haven't asked yourself, "Why the hell did 4337 I go to college anyway?", you must be teaching. 4338% 4339"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your penis?" 4340 4341"Uh, not right now." 4342 4343"Tsk. A girl has to have some standards." 4344 -- "Real Genius" 4345% 4346Canada is so square even the female impersonators are women. 4347 -- From the movie "Outrageous" 4348% 4349CANCER (June 21 - July 22) 4350 You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems. 4351 They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. 4352 That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare 4353 recipients are Cancer people. 4354% 4355Candy 4356Is dandy 4357But liquor 4358Is quicker. 4359 -- Ogden Nash, "Reflections on Ice-Breaking" 4360 4361Fortune updates the great quotes: #53. 4362 Candy is dandy; but liquor is quicker, 4363 and sex won't rot your teeth. 4364% 4365Captain Hook died of jock itch. 4366% 4367"Carefully study these two enlarged photographs on display, Mr. Rafferty," 4368the attorney for a politician suing a newspaper for libel instructed his 4369client on the witness stand, "and indicate which is your ass and which is 4370a hole in the ground." 4371% 4372Catholicism has changed tremendously in the recent years. Now when 4373Communion is served there is also a salad bar. 4374 -- Bill Maher 4375% 4376Ce livre est dedie a Chagrin, This book is dedicated to Chagrin, 4377Qui fit un petit mannequin: Who fashioned a small doll: 4378 Sans bras et tout noir, Without arms and all black, 4379 Il etait affreux voir; It was horrible sight; 4380En effet, absolument la fin. In effect, the absolute end. 4381 -- Edward Gorey 4382% 4383Champagne don't make me lazy. 4384Cocaine don't drive me crazy. 4385Ain't nobody's business but my own. 4386 -- Taj Mahal 4387% 4388Chaste makes waste. 4389% 4390Chastity: 4391 The most unnatural of the sexual perversions. 4392 -- Aldous Huxley 4393% 4394CHASTITY BELT: 4395 An anti-trust suit. 4396 4397 (And an unchivalrous knight is the one that files it.) 4398% 4399Chastity is its own punishment. 4400% 4401Chicago has journalists' bars, ethnic bars, neighborhood bars, even midget 4402bars, hundreds, maybe thousands of bars, on every neighborhood block. 4403I was drinking on afternoon in O'Rourke's, a bar on the Near North side. 4404It was dark and empty, which suited my mood. A fat, stubble-bearded, 4405middle-aged man waddled in, took the stool next to mine, and ordered a 4406beer. He was completely unremarkable, except that he was dressed, head 4407to toe, in a white-lace wedding gown. After a silence, I said, "Been to 4408a wedding?" 4409 He brushed back his veil, rustled his petticoats and said, "Uh... 4410yeah." 4411 He silently finished his drink and left. The bartender said, "You 4412know, even the transvestites in this town have five o'clock shadows." 4413% 4414Chipmunks roasting on an open fire 4415Jack Frost ripping up your nose 4416Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire 4417And folks dressed up like buffaloes 4418Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow 4419Helps to make the season right 4420Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out 4421Will find it hard to see tonight 4422They know that Santa's on his way 4423He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh 4424And every mother's child is sure to spy 4425To see if reindeer really scream when they die 4426And so I'm offering this simple phrase 4427To kids from one to ninety two 4428Although it's been said many times, many ways 4429Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!! 4430% 4431Chorus: 4432 I don't want to join the army, I don't want to go to war, 4433 I'd rather sit around, pickin' dillies off the ground, 4434 And livin' off the favors of an 'igh-born lady. 4435 I don't want a bullet up me arse 'ole, 4436 I don't want me pecker blown away, 4437 I'd rather live in England, in jolly, sunny, England, 4438 And fornicate me bloody life away!! 4439 4440Monday I touched her on the ankle, 4441Tuesday I touched her on the knee, 4442And Wednesday after Mass, I lifted up her dress, 4443And Thursday I saw you know what, 4444Friday I put me 'and upon it, 4445Saturday she gave me balls a tweak [tweak, tweak] 4446And Sunday after supper, I ran me fucker up 'er, 4447And now she pays me forty quid a week! 4448Oh, blimey... 4449 4450[chorus] 4451% 4452Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not 4453committing them? 4454 -- Jules Feiffer 4455% 4456CHRISTIAN: 4457 One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far 4458 as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. 4459% 4460Christian, n.: 4461 One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired 4462book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who 4463follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent 4464with a life of sin. 4465% 4466Christianity and Judaism aren't all that different, really. Growing up in 4467a Christian family, the feeling of guilt for Man's sins comes from God. 4468In a Jewish family, it comes from your parents. 4469% 4470Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found 4471difficult and not tried. 4472 -- G. K. Chesterton 4473% 4474CHRISTMAS: 4475 A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry 4476 salads, family get-togethers; for others, noted as having the best 4477 response time of the entire year. 4478% 4479CHRISTMAS: 4480 A time when each of us gets to reflect upon what we each most 4481 deeply and sincerely believe in. Money. At the mall of our 4482 choice. 4483% 4484Christmas comes but once a year, 4485A time for love and laughter; 4486You can come much more than that, 4487But you have to clean up after. 4488% 4489Cinderella 10: 4490 A woman who sucks and fucks 'til midnight and 4491 then turns into a pizza and a six-pack. 4492% 4493Clark Kent is a transvestite. 4494% 4495Clarke's Third Law: 4496 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from 4497magic. 4498 4499G's Third Law: 4500 In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe 4501is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit. 4502 4503H's Dictum: 4504 There is no magic... 4505% 4506Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to fuck, 4507and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the contrary. 4508 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" 4509% 4510Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to 4511fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the 4512contrary. 4513 -- Tom Robbins 4514% 4515Cleveland still lives. God MUST be dead. 4516% 4517Clitoris, n.: 4518 A haired trigger. 4519% 4520CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range) 4521 4522Oh, give me a clone 4523Of my own flesh and bone 4524 With the Y chromosome changed to X. 4525And when she is grown, 4526My very own clone, 4527 We'll be of the opposite sex. 4528 4529Chorus: 4530 Clone, clone of my own, 4531 With the Y chromosome changed to X. 4532 And when we're alone, 4533 Since her mind is my own, 4534 She'll be thinking of nothing but sex. 4535 -- Randall Garrett 4536% 4537Close the door, let me give you what you've been waiting for!! 4538% 4539Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money. 4540% 4541Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know -- I've been using it for years. 4542 -- Tallulah Bankhead 4543% 4544Cocaine: using tomorrow's energy today. 4545% 4546Cocaine's a joke! 4547 (Who's got the next line?) 4548% 4549Cock-sucker, n.: 4550 Someone who got caught doing what you got away with. 4551% 4552Coffee without caffeine. Beer without alcohol. Milk without fat. 4553What's next? Bridal suites with bunk beds? 4554 -- Orben's Current Comedy 4555% 4556Coito ergo sum 4557% 4558Coitus interruptus, n.: 4559 A jerky movement following the words (by either sex partner) 4560 "I want to have your child." 4561% 4562Coitus is punishment for the happiness of being together. Live as 4563ascetically as possible... that is the only possible way for me to 4564endure marriage. But she? 4565 -- Franz Kafka 4566% 4567Coitus upon a cadaver 4568Is the ultimate way you can have 'er. 4569 Her inanimate state 4570 Means a man needn't wait, 4571And eliminates all the palaver. 4572% 4573Cold, adj.: 4574 When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions. 4575% 4576Cold, adj.: 4577 When your dog sticks to the fire hydrant. 4578% 4579College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months 4580later you wish you'd never come. 4581% 4582Come along and sing a song and join our family. 4583B & D 4584S & M 4585Post to A.S.B.! 4586Rope and leather, cuffs and cats, and toys from JTT. 4587B & D 4588S & M 4589Post to A.S.B.! 4590A.S.B.! 4591 (A.S.B.!) 4592A.S.B.! 4593 (A.S.B.!) 4594Come on now, let's try another tie! 4595 (Tie! Tie! Tie!) 4596All the kinky folks are here, and some on IRC. 4597B & D 4598S & M 4599Post on A.S.B.! 4600 -- To the Mickey Mouse March 4601% 4602Come on, Virginia, don't make me wait! 4603Catholic girls start much too late, 4604Ah, but sooner or later, it comes down to fate, 4605I might as well be the one. 4606Well, they showed you a statue, told you to pray, 4607Built you a temple and locked you away, 4608Ah, but they never told you the price that you paid, 4609The things that you might have done. 4610So come on, Virginia, show me a sign, 4611Send up a signal, I'll throw you a line, 4612That stained glass curtain that you're hiding behind, 4613Never lets in the sun. 4614Darling, only the good die young! 4615 -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young" 4616% 4617Come up and see me sometime. Come Wednesday, that's amateur night. 4618 -- Mae West 4619% 4620COMMENT: 4621 A superfluous element of a source program included so the 4622 programmer can remember what the hell it was he was doing 4623 six months later. Only the weak-minded need them, according 4624 to those who think they aren't. 4625% 4626Communists do it without class. 4627% 4628Computer scientists are programmed to do it by macro insertion. 4629% 4630Computerfirm nymphomaniac, n.: 4631 Hot Apple pie. 4632% 4633Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears. 4634% 4635Condoms are the feminists' revenge on men for diaphragms. 4636 -- Robin Williams 4637% 4638Confucius say: 4639 man who lay girl on hill, not on level. 4640 man who pull out too fast leave rubber. 4641 man who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand. 4642 modern house without toilet uncanny. 4643 man with athletic finger make broad jump 4644 woman should not marry basketball players -- they dribble before 4645 they shoot. 4646 man who sleep in road wake up with run-down feeling. 4647 woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, may get tit bit. 4648 child conceived in back seat of car with automatic transmission 4649 turn out to be shiftless bastard. 4650 a smart man knows on which side his broad is better. 4651 man who arrives late to party will find himself beaten to the punch! 4652% 4653Confucius say: 4654 man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead. 4655 man who fishes in other man's well often catch crabs. 4656 man and mouse the same, both end up in pussy. 4657 boy who play with himself pulls boner. 4658 woman who cooks carrots and pees in same pot very unsanitary. 4659 man who marry girl with no bust has right to feel low down. 4660 man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet. 4661 man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day. 4662 man who lie under car, get tired 4663 man who stand behind car, get exhausted. 4664% 4665Confucius say: 4666 woman who put man in dog house find him in cat house. 4667 woman who spring on inner-spring this spring, have off-spring 4668 next spring. 4669 man who kiss girl's behind, get crack in face. 4670 passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly. 4671 man who kicked in testicles get left holding bag. 4672 man who suck nipples make clean breast of things. 4673 woman who slide down bannister make monkey shine. 4674 woman's virginity like balloon, one prick and all gone. 4675 Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best. 4676 squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts. 4677 epileptic woman who give blow-job may bite big one. 4678 seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak. 4679% 4680Confucius say: 4681 woman who ride bicycle peddle ass around town. 4682 fool man climb tree to get cherries; wise man spread limbs. 4683 woman who fly upside down in airplane have big crack up. 4684 man who live in glass house should bathe in the basement. 4685 man who make love on ground have piece on Earth. 4686 man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key. 4687 man who fights with wife all day, gets not peace at night. 4688 man who make oral love to epileptic woman may get tongue-tied. 4689 man with head up ass have shitty outlook on life. 4690 man who streak unsuited for work. 4691 woman who bathe in vinegar have sour puss. 4692 man who beat off in car have hot rod. 4693% 4694CONFUSION: 4695 One woman plus one left turn. 4696EXCITEMENT: 4697 Two women plus one secret. 4698BEDLAM: 4699 Three women plus one bargain. 4700CHAOS: 4701 Four women plus one luncheon check. 4702% 4703Confusion, n.: 4704 Father's Day in San Francisco. 4705% 4706Conservative, n.: 4707 One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead. 4708 -- Leo C. Rosten 4709% 4710Conserve energy -- make love more slowly. 4711% 4712CONSULTANT: 4713 Someone who knows 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date. 4714% 4715Continental breakfast, n.: 4716 A roll in bed with some honey. 4717% 4718Coors, n.: 4719 Like making love in a canoe -- fucking close to water. 4720% 4721Copa-ulation: 4722(to the tune of Copacabana) 4723 4724Her name was Lola, she was a bimbo, with yellow streamers in her hair, 4725She wore see-through underwear, she'd go to discos, and do the go-go, 4726And while she tried to be star, Tony jacked off on the bar, 4727And when the dance was done, his hand was full of come, 4728His favorite drink is cream in coffee, 4729Won't you order one? 4730 4731At the Copa, Copa-ulation ... 4732 4733Her name was Lola, she was a show-girl, 4734But that was thirty years ago, when she still could slurp and blow, 4735Now she's a sado, but not for Tony, still in her chains and leather gown, 4736She ties Rico to the ground, and fucks that boy half-blind, 4737But Rico, he don't mind, there are whips and a lot of beatings, 4738But a real good time ... 4739% 4740Couples in motion have moments. 4741% 4742Courage, n.: 4743 Two cannibals having oral sex. 4744% 4745Cover your stump before you hump. 4746Before you attack her, wrap your wacker. 4747Don't be silly... protect your Willie. 4748Wrap it in foil before checking her oil. 4749If you're not going to sack it, go home and wack it. 4750 -- National Condom Week 4751% 4752Cox's philosophy: 4753 Life's a bitch, then you die. 4754% 4755Coyote love, n.: 4756 Coyote love is a nebulous term. Basically, what it involves is 4757 the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles 4758 bar. Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping 4759 on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you 4760 chew off your arm at the shoulder. 4761 4762Coyote ugly, adj.: 4763 When you chew off the other arm 'cause she'll be looking for 4764 a one-armed man! 4765 4766See also proof that average instantaneous beauty increases monotonically 4767as alcohol consumption increases and time, t, approaches last call. 4768% 4769"Creation science" has not entered the curriculum for a reason so simple 4770and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and 4771because good teachers understand exactly why it is false. What could be 4772more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our 4773entire intellectual heritage -- good teaching -- than a bill forcing 4774honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment 4775to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any 4776general understanding of science as an enterprise? 4777 -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Skeptical Inquirer" 4778% 4779Crew, n.: 4780 Eight big men and their cute little cox. 4781% 4782Cried Miss Pratt: "What are you staring at? 4783I know - you don't have to say that! 4784 All you guys want of me 4785 Is a poke where I pee, 4786And it's pounding my ass mighty flat!" 4787% 4788Crinklaw's Observation: 4789 Nowadays the order of life is reversed: Sex is first enjoyed, 4790 marriage follows, and after marriage comes abstinence. 4791% 4792Cum Hilde autem ambulabat 4793Homo qui aedificabat. 4794 Dixit volebat. Debet et potebat. 4795 Sic ille ducebat. Statim faciebat. 4796Sed virginem pine necebat. 4797% 4798Cunnilingus is next to cleanliness. 4799% 4800Cunnilingus is next to godliness. 4801% 4802Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back. 4803% 4804Dad," the 13-year-old boy asked, looking up from his social-studies text, 4805"what did you do during the sexual revolution?" 4806 "Well, son," his father confided, "I guess you could say I was 4807captured early and spent the duration doing the dishes." 4808% 4809Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true, 4810Daisy, Daisy, wouldn't you like to screw? 4811I really must beg your pardon, 4812But I've got a hell of a hard-on, 4813From beating my meat, against the seat, 4814Of a bicycle built for two. 4815 -- "Daisy, Daisy", "The Dirty Song Book" 4816% 4817Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches 4818Got on with her grooms and her wenches: 4819 She went down on the gents, 4820 And pronged the girl's vents 4821With a clitoris reaching six inches. 4822% 4823Dames lie about anything -- just for practice. 4824 -- Raymond Chandler 4825% 4826Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you? FIRST you rape, 4827THEN you pillage!! 4828% 4829Damned if I know. And you can be fuckin' sure I'll never rent no car 4830from Avis again. 4831 -- Herbie Sperling, on the meaning of two pistols and an 4832 axe used in three murders being found in the trunk of 4833 his rented car. 4834 4835If you guys have a beef with her, that's her problem. Don't lay it on 4836me. The old lady has to take care of her own weight. 4837 -- Herbie Sperling, convicted heroin dealer, on being 4838 arrested for narcotics possession at his mother's house. 4839 4840 At his sentencing, Herbie Sperling proved that he was the all-time 4841stand-up guy. 4842 Sperling's lawyer made a lengthy, impassioned plea for his client. 4843He talked of mercy, justice, humanity to fellow men who have chosen the wrong 4844path. Yes, the crimes were serious, yes, Mr. Sperling deserves a prison 4845sentence, but the maximum sentence was not warranted. 4846 Then the judge turned to Sperling. "Mr. Sperling, is there anything 4847you wish to say?" 4848 "Yes, Your Honor. If you think I'm going to beg for mercy, you've 4849got another think coming. You're all a bunch of fucking fascist cocksuckers, 4850you can all go to hell, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you..." 4851 -- Gregory Wallace, "Papa's Game" 4852% 4853Dance is the vertical expression of a horizontal intention. 4854% 4855date; talk; touch; unzip; finger; expand; strip; head; mount; yes; yes; yes; 4856eject; more; sleep 4857% 4858Dave has an aeroplane, 4859In which he likes to frisk. 4860Oh what a foolish boy, 4861His silly *. 4862% 4863David was just a shepherd who liked to get his rocks off in leather. 4864% 4865De Hispanice puella verumque 4866Simplex oris verborumque 4867 Tulit potens vagina 4868 Hominum agmina 4869Iterum iterum iterumque. 4870% 4871Dear Abby: 4872 I have two brothers. One was sent to the electric chair when I was 4873a child. My mother died in an insane asylum. My father is a pimp and my 4874sister is a very successful and highly paid prostitute. My other brother 4875is a graduate student attending Purdue University. 4876 Recently I met a wonderful girl who has just been released from prison 4877for murdering her illegitimate child with a Zip-loc sandwich bag. We're very 4878much in love and want to be married after her venereal disease is cured. 4879 My problem is this: should I tell her about my brother at Purdue? 4880 4881 Sincerely, 4882 Undecided. 4883% 4884Dear Abby: 4885 I just met the most terrific girl and we get along fabulously. I 4886think she's the one for me. There's just one problem: I can't remember 4887from our first date if she told me she had TB or VD. What should I do? 4888 -- Confused 4889 4890Dear Confused: 4891 If she coughs, fuck her. 4892% 4893Dear Ann Landers: 4894 I have a problem. I have two brothers; one works for the Illinois 4895Bell Telephone Company, the other brother was just sentenced to death 4896in the electric chair for murder. My mother died from insanity when 4897I was three years old. My two sisters are prostitutes and my father 4898sells narcotics. 4899 I recently met girl who was just released from a reformatory where 4900she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I love 4901this girl and want to marry her. My problem is this -- dare I tell her 4902about my brother who works for Illinois Bell? 4903 -- Confused 4904% 4905Dear Ann Landers: 4906 My husband watches the TV preachers every Sunday. He claims 4907one minister said there are 350 different sins. My husband wants to 4908know if you can get the list. He thinks he is missing something. 4909 -- E.J. Mayfield 4910% 4911Dear Lord, observe this bended knee 4912This visage meek and humble, 4913And hear this confidential plea 4914Voiced in reverent mumble: 4915 Give me Shylock, give me Fagin 4916 But O God spare me Ronald Reagan! 4917 -- Ansel Adams 4918% 4919Dear Miss Manners: 4920Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face. 4921 4922Gentle Reader: 4923Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on your face. 4924If the gentleman sprayed you inadvertently to accompany enthusiastic 4925discourse, you may step back two paces, bring out your handkerchief, 4926and go through the motions of wiping your nose, while trailing the cloth 4927along your face to pick up whatever needs mopping along the route. If, 4928however, the substance was acquired as a result of enthusiasm of a more 4929intimate nature, you may delicately retrieve it with a flick of your 4930pink tongue. 4931% 4932Dear Mr. Seldes: I cannot remember the exact wording of the statement 4933to which you allude; but what I meant was that ... a man who calls 4934himself a 100% American and is proud of it, is generally 150% an idiot 4935politically. But the designations may be good business for war 4936veterans. Having bled for their country in 1861 and 1918, they have 4937bled it all they could consequently. And why not? 4938 -- George Seldes, "The Great Quotations" 4939% 4940Democracy can learn some things from Communism: for example, when a 4941Communist politician is through, he is through. 4942% 4943Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for 4944the people. 4945 -- Oscar Wilde 4946% 4947Demonstrating once again the importance of the lowly comma, this 4948telegram was sent from a wife to her husband: 4949 "NOT GETTING ANY, BETTER COME HOME AT ONCE." 4950% 4951Desperate because her husband hadn't made love to her in months, a lonely 4952housewife finally mustered her courage and went to their doctor for advice. 4953The doctor was very sympathetic and wrote out a prescription for pills that 4954were guaranteed to rekindle the husband's ardor in a big way. "They'll make 4955him horny as hell," the doctor confided, "but they're very potent, so just 4956put one in whatever he's drinking." 4957 Upon arriving home, the woman left the pills on the kitchen counter 4958and dashed off to the supermarket. It didn't take long before the cat jumped 4959up, knocked them over onto the floor, and ate a couple, as did the family 4960dog. And when the husband got home with a headache, he took a few thinking 4961they were aspirin. 4962 When the housewife returned, she was horrified to see the dog humping 4963the cat and the cat jumping all over the dog, but even stranger was the sight 4964of her husband with his penis inside the pencil sharpener on the counter. 4965"What in heaven's name are you doing, John?" she cried. 4966 "See that mosquito?" he replied. 4967% 4968Dial 911. Make a cop come. 4969% 4970Diaphragm, n.: 4971 A childproof cap. 4972% 4973Dicker, v.: 4974 What you do to your wife if arguing doesn't work. 4975% 4976Did Detroit invent the back seat to destroy the morals of America? 4977 -- Ed Sanders 4978% 4979Did you hear about... 4980 the butcher who dropped his cleaver and went home half-cocked? 4981% 4982Did you hear about... 4983 the plastic surgeon who hung himself? 4984% 4985Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recently divorced mother 4986her age? She told him that was not a question to ask and that he shouldn't 4987ask it again. He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that 4988she wouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again. The next 4989question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced. Once again, she told 4990him that it was not a question he should ask and to not ask that question 4991again. 4992 Some time later, she found him looking through her purse. Sharply 4993asking him what he was doing resulted in him beamingly telling her that he 4994had found the answers to all of his questions! 4995 "Mom", he said, "your driver's license says you're 34 years old, weigh 4996125 pounds, and you and Daddy probably divorced 'cause you got an 'F' in sex!" 4997% 4998Did you hear about the nearsighted fetishist who got off on the wrong foot? 4999% 5000Did you hear about the new German microwave oven? 5001 5002 ... Seats 500. 5003% 5004Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll? 5005You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand. 5006% 5007Did you hear about young Henry Lockett? 5008He was blown down the street by a rocket. 5009 The force of the blast 5010 Blew his balls up his ass, 5011And his pecker was found in his pocket. 5012% 5013Did you hear they canceled Easter this year? 5014Found the body. 5015% 5016Did you know that some people your age have sex 5017thirty-seven times in a week? And die immediately after? 5018% 5019Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"? 5020% 5021Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.? 5022% 5023Dig it, first they killed those pigs, then they ate dinner in the same 5024room with them, then they even shoved a fork in a victim's stomach. Wild! 5025 -- Bernadine Dohrn, on the Manson killings 5026% 5027Disclaimer of the Week: 5028 Any Society Which Requires Disclaimers Has Too Many Goddamn Lawyers. 5029% 5030Disillusioned words like bullets bark, 5031As human gods aim for their mark, 5032Make everything from toy guns that spark 5033To flesh-colored christs that glow in the dark. 5034It's easy to see without looking too far 5035That not much is really sacred. 5036% 5037Distributed Systems people do it loosely coupled. 5038% 5039[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are 5040two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: 5041 5042(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and 5043 confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold 5044 a press conference where you announce that they have a street value 5045 of $850 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools, 5046 including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana 5047 cigarettes in the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker 5048 factory puts them there. 5049(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you 5050 announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a 5051 piece of human sleaze. This also never fails, because you always 5052 get a conviction. A juror at a pornography trial is not about to 5053 state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie 5054 where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a 5055 fire extinguisher. He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and 5056 vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong 5057 impression. 5058 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 5059% 5060DIVE!!! DIVE!!! DIVE!!! 5061UP PERISCOPE!!! 5062 5063(Ooops, sorry, wrong fantasy.) 5064% 5065Divorce, n.: 5066 A change of wife. 5067% 5068Do married women make the best wives? 5069% 5070Do not permit a woman to ask forgiveness, for that is only the first 5071step. The second is justification of herself by accusation of you. 5072 -- DeGourmont 5073% 5074Do not rejoice in his defeat, you men, 5075For though the world stood up 5076And stopped the bastard, 5077The bitch that bore him is in heat again. 5078 -- Bertolt Brecht 5079% 5080Do something big -- fuck a giant 5081% 5082"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist. 5083"Who else?" answered the patient. 5084% 5085Do you smoke after sex? 5086Why, do you know, I've never looked! 5087% 5088Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning. 5089% 5090Does he treat your breasts like unripe grapefruit? Who needs him? 5091 -- J, "The Sensuous Woman" 5092% 5093Does it rape elephants? 5094 -- Brent Byer 5095% 5096Doing business with the government is like fucking sheep. 5097It's easy, but it's not very satisfying. 5098% 5099Don't accept rides from strange men -- and remember that all men 5100are strange as hell. 5101 -- Robin Morgan, "Sisterhood Is Powerful" 5102% 5103Don't dip your wick in a WAC, 5104Don't ride the breast of a WAVE, 5105 Just sit in the sand 5106 And do it by hand, 5107And buy bonds with the money you save. 5108% 5109Don't forget to support the ERA apersonment. 5110% 5111Don't get the idea that I'm one of those goddamn radicals. Don't get the 5112idea that I'm knocking the American system. 5113 -- Al Capone 5114% 5115Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love. 5116 -- Woody Allen 5117% 5118Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash. 5119 -- Bo Diddley 5120% 5121Don't look now -- your office mate is a pederast!!! 5122% 5123Don't look now, but your mother is having sex with a horse. 5124% 5125Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get 5126you through times of no dope. 5127 -- Freewheelin' Franklin, "The Fabulous Furry Freak 5128 Brothers" by Gilbert Shelton 5129% 5130Down by the old model T, 5131Where she first showed it to me. 5132 It was furry and black, 5133 And she called it a crack, 5134But it looked like a manhole to me. 5135% 5136Draft beer, not boys! 5137% 5138Draft beer, not people 5139% 5140Dry fucking: that's man on top of woman, the action is the same as fucking, 5141but you're dressed. It's great for the girl... you're hitting and rubbing 5142exactly the area that you ought to be... I still like that. 5143 -- Grace Slick 5144% 5145Due to a mixup in urology, orange juice will not be served this morning. 5146% 5147Dull women have immaculate homes. 5148% 5149DuPont, I.G., Monsanto, and Shell 5150Built a world-circling pussy cartel, 5151 And by planned obsolescence, 5152 So controlled detumescence, 5153A poor man could not get a smell. 5154% 5155During the darkest days of World War II, when each night brought waves of 5156Luftwaffe bombers raining death and destruction on a near-defenseless London, 5157Prime Minister Churchill went on the air to address the British people. "I 5158read this morning's paper that Herr Hitler plans to wring England's neck like 5159that of a chicken," he began, "and I was reminded of what the Irish poacher 5160said as he stood on the gallows. It seems the poor fellow was approached by a 5161well-meaning if somewhat overzealous priest who, in horrific detail, described 5162the unfading torments of Hades which awaited him if he did not repent of his 5163misdeeds. The condemned man listened patiently to all that the priest had to 5164say, and when he was done, grinned broadly and replied, 'Eat it raw, fuzz 5165nuts.'" 5166 -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon 5167% 5168Dyke, n.: 5169 A woman who kick-starts her vibrator. And rolls her own 5170 tampons. 5171% 5172Dyslexia means never having to say that you're ysror. 5173% 5174Dyslexics have more fnu. 5175% 5176DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE! 5177% 5178Early to bed and early to rise makes a man a helluva big nuisance. 5179% 5180Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling. 5181% 5182Eat shit and die a virgin! 5183% 5184Eat the rich -- the poor are tough and stringy. 5185% 5186Economists are still trying to figure out why the 5187girls with the least principle draw the most interest. 5188% 5189EE's do it without shorts. 5190% 5191Eighteen goddess-like daughters are not equal to one son with a hump. 5192 -- Chinese Proverb 5193% 5194Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. 5195 -- Jackie Mason 5196% 5197Eisenhower was very nice, 5198Nixon was his only vice. 5199 -- C. Degen 5200% 5201Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man: 5202 (1) Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to 5203 sleep in the wet spot. 5204 (2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find 5205 themselves. 5206 (3) You won't find out later that your cucumber (a) is 5207 married, (b) is on penicillin, (c) likes you -- but loves 5208 your brother! 5209 (4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is. 5210 (5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are 5211 wet. 5212 (6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a 5213 boy". 5214 (7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count. 5215 (8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun. 5216 (9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the 5217 pillow. 5218 (10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do. 5219 (11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you 5220 left it. 5221% 5222Embarrassment, n.: 5223 Finding out your German Shepherd has the clap. 5224% 5225Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant 5226professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a 5227male schlemiel. 5228 -- Ewald Nyquist 5229% 5230Erogenous zone, n.: 5231 The skin you touch to love. 5232% 5233Es giebt ein Arbeiter von Tinz, 5234Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz. 5235 Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen, 5236 Ich hore Mann kommen." 5237"Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz." 5238% 5239Eternity, n.: 5240 The length of time between when you come and he leaves. 5241% 5242Ethnologists up with the Sioux 5243Wired home for two punts, one canoe. 5244 The answer next day, 5245 Said, "Girls on the way, 5246But what the hell's a `panoe'?" 5247% 5248Evangelists do it with Him watching. 5249% 5250Even bytes get lonely for a little bit. 5251% 5252Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling 5253just a bit unchivalrous ... 5254 -- Robert Benchley 5255% 5256Evening hours "all clear" for romance! 5257(Tell mate you have to work late.) 5258% 5259Ever notice that the women who are against abortion are the ones you 5260wouldn't want to fuck in the first place? 5261 -- George Carlin 5262% 5263Ever wondered why you always run out of breath when you throw up? 5264Ah, but a man's retch should exceed his gasp, else what's a heaving for? 5265% 5266Every harlot was a virgin once. 5267 -- William Blake 5268% 5269Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start 5270closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive 5271like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume 5272and at least a pint of ether. 5273 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" 5274% 5275Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start 5276closing in, the only real cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then 5277drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas. 5278 -- Hunter S. Thompson 5279% 5280Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. 5281 5282Please, think of the kittens. 5283% 5284Everyone: "Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you, 5285 Amen!" 5286Bruce: "Another two! (Bottles opening.) Any questions?" 5287Bruce: "New-Bruce, are you a Poofter?" 5288Bruce: "Are you a Poofter?" 5289New-Bruce: "No!" 5290Bruce: "No. Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules: 5291 Rule One!" 5292Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!" 5293Bruce: "Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos 5294 in any way at all -- if there's anybody watching. Rule Three?" 5295Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!" 5296Bruce: "Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not 5297 drinking. Rule Five..." 5298Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!" 5299Bruce: "Rule Six, there is NO... Rule Six. Rule Seven..." 5300Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!" 5301Bruce: "Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce. This 5302 here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a 5303 bottle, you can hold it in your hand. Amen! 5304 -- Monty Python 5305% 5306Everyone has the right, without exception, to equal pay for equal work. 5307Except for women. 5308% 5309Everyone in the office is welcome to join the group going to the Columbus 5310Theater tonight. Meet in the lobby at 8:30. The films are "Blue Jennifer" 5311and "Hot Coed Cheerleaders". 5312% 5313Everyone *knows* cats are on a higher level of existence. These silly humans 5314are just to big-headed to admit their inferiority. 5315 Just think what a nicer world this would be if it were controlled by 5316cats. 5317 You wouldn't see cats having waste disposal problems. 5318 They're neat. 5319 They don't have sexual hangups. A cat gets horny, it does something 5320about it. 5321 They keep reasonable hours. You *never* see a cat up before noon. 5322 They know how to relax. Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer? 5323 What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war? Pretty negligible. 5324It's not that they can't, they just know that there are much better things to 5325do with ones time. Like lie in the sun and sleep. Or go exploring the world. 5326% 5327Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex. 5328 -- Ellyn Mustard 5329% 5330Exotic dancer, n.: 5331 A girl who brings home the bacon a strip at a time. 5332% 5333Exuberant Sue from Anjou 5334Found that fucking affected her hue. 5335 She presented to sight 5336 Nipples pink, bottom white; 5337But her asshole was purple and blue. 5338% 5339Falsie salesman, n.: 5340 Fuller bust man. 5341% 5342Famous last words: 5343 1: Everything that you'll need to know is in the manual. 5344 2: You and what army? 5345 3: Don't worry, I can handle it. 5346 4: If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't 5347 be a cop. 5348 5: I don't see how they make a profit 5349 out of this stuff at a dollar and a quarter a fifth. 5350 6: We're just getting into semantics again. 5351 7: Everything's under control. 5352 8: He's an asshole! Don't try to "shush" me! 5353% 5354Fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside. You had an arse full 5355of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows, 5356long windy ones, quick little merry cracks... 5357 -- James Joyce 5358% 5359Fed some caviar to my girlfriend 5360She was a virgin tried and true 5361Now my girlfriend needs no urgin' 5362There ain't nothin' she won't do! 5363 Caviar comes from a Virgin Sturgeon - 5364 Virgin Sturgeon's a very fine fish. 5365 Virgin Sturgeon needs no urgin' 5366 That's why caviar is my dish! 5367 5368Fed some caviar to my Grandpa 5369He was a man of ninety-three 5370Shrieks and screams were heard from Grandma 5371He had chased her up a tree! 5372 (chorus) 5373% 5374Felt tip, v.: 5375 Past tense for a breast examination! 5376% 5377Female ballet dancers are the bravest girls around. Who else would take a 5378flying leap into the arms of a homosexual and expect to be caught? 5379 -- Rita Rudner 5380% 5381Female, n.: 5382 Life support system for a pussy. 5383% 5384Feminism, n.: 5385 A political position which seeks to rebuild society so that 5386 both men and women are treated as women wish to be treated. 5387% 5388Feminists just want the human race to be a tie. 5389% 5390Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of 5391women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their 5392handbags are full. 5393 -- Earl Wilson 5394% 5395Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful, 5396licentious, dirty bum!! 5397% 5398Fig Newton. 5399% 5400Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. 5401% 5402Filth and old age, I'm sure you will agree, 5403Are powerful wardens upon chastity. 5404 -- Geoffrey Chaucer 5405% 5406Finally, a reporter got a chance to interview Tarzan. 5407 5408Reporter: Tarzan? Is that your first or last name? 5409Tarzan: Tarzan first name. 5410Reporter: Then, what's your whole name? 5411Tarzan: Tarzan of the Apes. 5412Reporter: And who is the woman with you? 5413Tarzan: That Jane. 5414Reporter: And what's Jane's whole name? 5415Tarzan: Cunt. 5416% 5417First you get down on your knees, Get in line in that processional, 5418Fiddle with your rosaries, Step into that small confessional, 5419Bow your head with great respect, There the guy who's got religion'll 5420And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect! Tell you if your sins' original. 5421Do whatever steps you want if If it is, try playin' it safer, 5422You have cleared them with the Pontiff, Drink the wine and chew the wafer, 5423Ev'rybody say his own Two, four, six eight, 5424Kyrie eleison, Time to transubstantiate! 5425Doin' the Vatican Rag. 5426 5427So get down upon your knees, Make a cross on your abdomen, 5428Fiddle with your rosaries, When in Rome do like a Roman, 5429Bow your head with great respect, Ave Maria, 5430And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect! Gee, it's good to see ya, 5431 Gettin' ecstatic an' sorta dramatic an' Doin' the Vatican Rag! 5432 -- Tom Lehrer, "The Vatican Rag" 5433% 5434Five-foot nine, eyes that shine 5435He was born in Palestine 5436Has anybody seen my Lord? 5437 5438He's so cool, he's so fine 5439Eat his bread and drink his wine 5440Has anybody seen my Lord? 5441 5442He's so neat, he's so cool, 5443Walks across my swimming pool. 5444Has anybody... 5445% 5446Flappity, floppity, flip 5447The mouse on the Mobius strip; 5448 The strip revolved, 5449 The mouse dissolved 5450In a chronodimensional skip. 5451% 5452Flirt, n.: 5453 A girl whose favorite man is the next one. 5454% 5455Floating idly one day through the air, 5456A circus performer named Blair, 5457 Tied a sizeable rock, 5458 To the end of his cock, 5459And shattered a balcony chair. 5460% 5461Floppy now, hard later. 5462% 5463Folks, what can I tell you about my next guest. This cat allowed himself 5464to be adored, but not loved. And his success in show business was matched 5465by failure in his personal relationship bag, now that's where he really 5466bombed. And he came to believe that work, show business, love, his whole 5467life, even himself and all that jazz was bullshit. He became numero uno 5468gameplayer. Uh, to the point where he didn't know where the games ended 5469and the reality began. Like to this cat, the only reality... is death, man. 5470Ladies and gentlemen, let me lay on you, a so-so entertainer, not much of 5471a humanitarian, and this cat was never nobody's friend. In his final 5472appearance on the great stage of life, uh, you can applaud if you want to, 5473Mr. Joe Gideon!! 5474 -- All That Jazz 5475% 5476Fond of equestrians, Mabel 5477Looked for true love in the stable. 5478 But she found the studs, 5479 For her were all duds, 5480Now she's out with the leg of a table. 5481% 5482For a gay time, call 632-9483. Ask for Brucie. 5483% 5484For a good time, call 632-9484. Ask for Cathy. 5485% 5486For a good time, call 632-9485. Ask for Michael. 5487% 5488For a house-to-house salesman named Moore, 5489Getting housewives' attention's no chore: 5490 He's endowed with a dong 5491 That is 12 inches long, 5492So he wedges his foot in the door. 5493% 5494For a young man, not yet: for an old man, never at all. 5495 -- Diogenes, asked when a man should marry 5496 5497When should a man marry? A young man, not yet; an elder man, not at all. 5498 -- Sir Francis Bacon, "Of Marriage and Single Life" 5499% 5500For children, a woman. 5501For pleasure, a boy. 5502For sheer ecstasy, a melon. 5503% 5504For her first week's salary the gorgeous new secretary was given an 5505exquisite nightgown of imported lace. The next week her salary was 5506raised! 5507% 5508For months the loving newlywed had asked his blushing bride to perform oral 5509sex on him, but to no avail. His sweet entreaties never worked, for she was 5510simply too innocent and inexperienced to even *think* of such a thing, let 5511alone attempt it. But a year of gentle persistence finally paid off, and 5512one night his darling nervously but lovingly performed the act. When it was 5513over, she looked deeply into his eyes, blushed, and asked, "How was I, 5514sweetheart?" 5515 He looked at her and replied, "How should I know -- I'm no 5516cocksucker!" 5517% 5518For the sores on his prick he used Dial. 5519That failed; he gave Lava a trial. 5520 But the one remedy 5521 For contagious V.D. 5522Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial. 5523% 5524"For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe, 5525"You have told me my bosom is snowy; 5526 You have made much fine verse on 5527 Each part of my person, 5528Now do something -- there's a good boy!" 5529% 5530For those of you how have been looking for evidence that a working 5531version of "Star Wars" can be built, consider the following proof 5532offered by Caspar Weinberger: 5533 5534 "If such a system is so unattainable, why have the Soviets been 5535 working desperately to get it for over 17 years?" 5536 5537 -- USA Today, 24 June 1986 5538% 5539Fornication, n.: 5540 Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with. 5541% 5542FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #15 5543 5544Sex: 5545 Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of 5546foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay. 5547 5548Maturity: 5549 Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can 5550function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards 5551and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school 5552romances rarely work out. 5553 5554Handwriting: 5555 To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just 5556chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their 5557"i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their 5558"p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even 5559when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note. 5560% 5561FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #18 5562 5563Sexual frequency: 5564 The average man would prefer having sex every evening, or every 5565morning, or maybe both if he's under 25. The average woman would like to 5566have sex non-stop all weekend, once a month. 5567 5568Shopping: 5569 It's no coincidence that L.L. Bean, Sears, and Roebuck were all men. 5570Men don't like to shop. If a man can't foist the job off on some woman, he 5571will grit his teeth and plan the outing as he would a jungle expedition. 5572He wants a map of the store showing where he has to go to get item X in 5573color Y in the correct size, which he doesn't know. Even then it takes him 5574half an hour to get there from the entrance. When he's finally accomplished 5575his mission, he'll discover that he forgot his checkbook. Women shop to 5576relax. 5577% 5578Fortune Personals: 5579 SWBiM, 29. Gr/Fr/Mild English. Have 5580 own moose, hoop. Sincere inquiries 5581 only. Discreet. Fortune P.O. Box 1910. 5582% 5583Fortune presents: 5584 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #3. 5585 5586Kie estas la plej proksima masa^gejo? Where's the nearest massage parlor? 5587Vi dolorigas min. You're hurting me. 5588Mi deziras viziti usonan kuraciston. I want to see an American doctor. 5589Mi deziras a^ceti kontraugraveda^jojn. I would like to buy some 5590 contraceptives. 5591^Cu tiu estis ankau bona por ci? Was it good for you too? 5592% 5593Fortune presents: 5594 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #4. 5595Mia ^svebo^sipo estas plena je angiloj. My hovercraft is full of eels. 5596Neniu anticipas la hispanan No one expects the Spanish 5597 Inkvizicion. Inquisition. 5598La solvo estas kvardekdu. The answer is forty-two. 5599Adiau, kaj dankoj por ^ciom da fi^so. So long, and thanks for all the fish. 5600^Cu estas krajono en via po^so, au ^cu Is that a pencil in your pocket, 5601 vi feli^cas pri vidi min? or are you happy to see me? 5602% 5603Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands! 5604 5605Try: 5606 [Where is Jimmy Hoffa? (C shell) 5607 ^How did the^sex change operation go? (C shell) 5608 "How would you rate BSD vs. System V? 5609 %blow (C shell) 5610 'thou shalt not mow thy grass at 8am' (C shell) 5611 got a light? (C shell) 5612 !!:Say, what do you think of margarine? (C shell) 5613 PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense (Bourne shell) 5614 make love 5615 make "the perfect dry martini" 5616 man -kisses dog (anything up to 4.3BSD) 5617 i=Hoffa ; >$i; $i; rm $i; rm $i (Bourne shell) 5618% 5619FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #3 5620 5621You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this 5622proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your 5623proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits into 5624your coffee. You: 5625 5626 (a) Tell him you take your coffee black. 5627 (b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases. 5628 (c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a piss in his 5629 "In" basket. 5630 (d) Take a sip and comment how much better it tastes. 5631% 5632FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #5 5633 5634You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January and 5635tell your boss that nobody but ladies of the evening and football players 5636live there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You: 5637 5638 (a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't 5639 remember your name. 5640 (b) Ask what position she played. 5641 (c) Ask if she is still working the streets. 5642 (d) Pull lacy underwear from your raincoat pocket and ask 5643 if he recognizes the label. 5644% 5645FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #6 5646 5647You are having lunch with a prospective vendor talking about what could be 5648your best deal of the year. During the conversation a blonde walks into 5649the restaurant and she is so stunning you draw your companion's attention 5650to her and give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone 5651in your hotel. She walks over to your table and the vendor introduces her as 5652his daughter. Your next move is to: 5653 5654 (a) Ask for her hand in marriage. 5655 (b) Pass out and hope for sympathy. 5656 (c) Forget the business; repeat the conversation to the 5657 daughter and get her number. 5658 (d) Turn red and slink off into the men's room. 5659% 5660FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #7 5661You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January 5662and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live 5663there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You: 5664 5665 (a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your 5666 name. 5667 (b) Ask what position she played. 5668 (c) Pull a pair of lacey underwear from your pocket and ask if 5669 he recognizes the label. 5670% 5671Fortune understands that the vote on a bill to legalize bisexuality 5672could go either way. 5673% 5674Fortune's Guide to Movies: 5675G: No girl. 5676PG: The hero gets the girl. 5677R: The bad guy gets the girl, then the good guy gets the girl. 5678X: The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure 5679 which end it will be. 5680XXX: Everybody gets the girl. 5681% 5682Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #25: 5683 5684Q: You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you, 5685 and you didn't scream? 5686A: No ma'am. 5687Q: Does that mean you consented? 5688A: No, ma'am. That means I was unconscious. 5689% 5690Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #1 5691 5692 Any attempt to say that someone's personal beliefs are wrong, even if 5693you supply conclusive evidence to support your claim, is an outright attack. 5694If you show someone a flaw in his/her logic, they have every right to punch 5695you in the face. Mathematical proofs of errors are the moral equivalent 5696of rape and should be avoided at all cost. 5697 Now... your opponent has requested a "rational discussion". What do 5698you do? Well, remember that people are normally willing to discuss things 5699rationally if and only if you agree with them; anything less would obviously 5700not be rational. Therefore, agree immediately, and continue as before. 5701 Always assume that whenever you see someone making a statement about 5702"certain parties who shall remain nameless", "some people", "assholes", etc., 5703they are talking about *you*. It is also correct to assume that words you 5704don't understand, such as "prestidigatory", "lapidarian", and "buprestid", 5705are direct personal attacks aimed at your loved ones and merit an equally 5706scathing response. Failure to do this results in many lost opportunities for 5707rational discussion. (See above.) 5708% 5709Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #3 5710 5711The proper time for a vicious ad hominem attack is when you have no logical 5712recourse. If you have been arguing a point with a person or persons for 571330 odd weeks, and a memo comes across that logically tears down the 5714final shred of evidence that you thought you had, that is the time to call 5715the author of that memo: 5716 1: a mindless twit who attacks other people's beliefs for no reason. 5717 2: an egotistical flaming typical wombat aggie melon-humping 5718 cheese-whizzing nanosexual subuseless clamsucker whose memos 5719 are apparently sneezed onto his/her terminal. 5720 3: something unpleasant. 5721The OTHER proper time for an ad hominem attack is immediately after someone 5722has posted something you don't understand. Given the current state of modern 5723electronic communications technology your inability to comprehend the meaning 5724of a memo constitutes a violation of western moral tradition on the part of 5725the author of that memo, and the author should be taken to task publicly via 5726a series of really nasty, name-calling oriented memos. 5727% 5728FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #5 5729 5730 Don't wear your spurs while making love in a waterbed. 5731% 5732FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #8 5733 5734 Don't wear your high heels while making love on the pool table. 5735% 5736Four men had been playing golf together for twenty years. After their usual 5737Saturday game one week, one of the men joined the other three for a post-game 5738shower for the first time. His friends were surprised - "For twenty years", 5739one of them says, "you haven't showered after our game, you've just waited for 5740us in the clubhouse. Why the sudden change?" 5741 "Well", replies their friend, "I was born with a fairly unusual 5742medical condition. I had both a penis and a vagina. Last month I finally 5743decided to have the vagina removed." 5744 The other three men look at him in disbelief and disgust. "You 5745mean," snaps one of them, "you could have played from the women's tee all 5746these years?" 5747% 5748France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't tear 5749the toilet paper. 5750 -- Billy Wilder 5751% 5752From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco and it was intensified by the 5753fact that the fellow was too insensitive and ego-ridden to realize it. The 5754moment of truth came in the supper club as he clutched the girl's thigh and 5755whispered, 5756 "Baby, how's about our cutting out to my pad so I can slip you nine 5757inches?" 5758There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said, 5759 "You know, I really don't think you could get it up three times 5760in a row!" 5761% 5762Fuck art; let's dance! 5763% 5764Fuck off and die! 5765% 5766Fuck you and anybody who looks like you. 5767% 5768Fuck'em if they can't take a joke! 5769% 5770Fucking is a filthy deed. -- I like it. 5771It satisfies a normal need. -- I like it. 5772 It makes you sick, it makes you well, 5773 It turns your spine to fucking jell, 5774It damns your soul to Eternal Hell! -- I like it. 5775% 5776Fuck-me pumps, n.: 5777 Stiletto heels of a certain length, usually black patent leather. 5778The proper designation is "throw-me-down-and-fuck-me" pumps. Shoes with 5779heels just high enough to let the frayed tip of a bullwhip trail around 5780them properly. 5781% 5782Fuckoff, n.: 5783 The tie breaker at the Miss America Beauty Pageant. 5784% 5785Gardeners do it in raised beds. 5786% 5787GARTER: 5788 An elastic band intended to keep a woman 5789 from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country. 5790% 5791Gary Hart's biggest mistake was not getting Teddy Kennedy to drive 5792Donna Rice home. 5793% 5794GAY: 5795 One who'd rather swish than fight. 5796% 5797Gentlemen prefer blondes, but who says blondes prefer gentlemen? 5798 -- Mae West 5799% 5800Geometry teaches us to bisex angels. 5801% 5802George, after tying on a whopper the night before, woke up in the morning to 5803find a pathetically unattractive woman sleeping blissfully beside him. He 5804leaped out of bed, dressed quickly, and furtively placed $100 on top of the 5805bureau. He then started to tiptoe out of the room. But, as he passed the 5806foot of the bed, he felt a tug at his trouser leg. Glancing down, he saw 5807another female even homelier than the one he'd left in bed. She gazed up 5808at him soulfully, and asked, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?" 5809% 5810George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but 5811he also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't 5812punish him? Because George still had the axe in his hand. 5813% 5814GEORGIA: 5815 Where kinky sex means getting laid. 5816% 5817"Get a load of that chick!" "Dude -- you gotta ask her out." 5818"Weellll, I dunno..." "Look. The worst she can say, is 'No'!" 5819"Hey! You're right!" "I'm always right!" 5820"The worst she can say... is 'No'!" 5821 5822"Idunnoifyou'vebeennoticingmebutI'vebeennoticingyouandIwaswonderingif 5823you'd like to go out with me!" 5824 5825Oh my god you little Geek! 5826Get away before I freak! You ugly, stupid, zitfaced scum, 5827I'm a babe and you are not. You asked me out; you MUST be dumb. 5828You can't handle what I've got! Well you can beg until you're blue, 5829I'm too hot, too hot for you.. But you're not even fit to lick my shoe. 5830 I'm too hot, too hot for you. 5831Ha ha ha! Don't make me laugh! 5832I want a whole man, not a half. I've got a bitchin' bod and a killer 5833You wet your pants, I'm so sure. face, 5834Too bad wimp-itis has no cure. I'm god's gift to the male race. 5835I'm too hot, too hot for you. I'm the queen of babes supreme, 5836 But you'll only see me in you dreams. 5837"Well? What'd she say??" I'm too hot, too hot for you. 5838"Well, she didn't say no..." 5839 -- Barry and the Bookbinders, "The Worst She Can Say is No" 5840% 5841GET OFF THE FUCKING SYSTEM THIS INSTANT, YOU ASSHOLE!!!! 5842% 5843Get your bytes from our backend! 5844 -- Britton Lee 5845% 5846Getting an education at the University of California is like having 5847$50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time. 5848% 5849Getting Cheryl to shed her apparel 5850Is like shooting goldfish in a barrel. 5851 But her genital area 5852 Is so vast it'll scareya, 5853And you venture inside at your peril. 5854% 5855Gibble gabble gabble gibble gurgle lubble gibble babble beeble triggle 5856 Lean closer. 5857Libble gabble gabble ibble gurgle gubble tibble babble feeble riggle 5858 Smile at her *knowingly*. 5859Gibble gabble sabble gibble surgle gubble gibble babble beeble giggle 5860 Nod sympathetically. Show you're on *her* side. 5861Bibble gabble gabble babble gurgle gubble gibble tribble beeble figgle 5862 Touch her hand lightly. Nobody understands but we two. 5863Fibble gabble fobble gibble gurgle bubble gibble tabble beeble giggle 5864 Look sincere. 5865 5866"Why don't we have the next drink up at MY place?" 5867 5868 God's gift to women strikes again. 5869 -- J. Feiffer 5870% 5871Gimme that old bisexuality, 5872Gimme that old bisexuality, 5873Gimme that old bisexuality, 5874'Cause it's good enough for me! 5875 5876It was good for David Bowie, 5877It was good for David Bowie, 5878It was good for David Bowie, 5879And it's good enough for me! 5880% 5881Girls are better looking in snowstorms. 5882 -- Archie Goodwin 5883% 5884Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand! 5885% 5886Girls marry for love. Boys marry because of a chronic irritation 5887that causes them to gravitate in the direction of objects with 5888certain curvilinear properties. 5889 -- Ashley Montagu 5890% 5891Girls really do know just what they want -- you to figure it out for 5892yourself! 5893% 5894Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is, 5895however, a rather archaic use of the word. Should one of you boys happen 5896upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you 5897have found a lady. What you have probably found is a lesbian. 5898 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 5899% 5900Girls who throw themselves at men, 5901are actually taking very careful aim. 5902% 5903Girls would never stay out late if guys didn't make them. 5904% 5905Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. 5906 -- Mae West 5907% 5908Give me Librium or give me Meth. 5909% 5910GLEE CLUB GROUPIE: 5911 A girl into choral sex. 5912% 5913GNU Make will no longer go into an infinite loop when fed the horrid 5914trash that passes for makefiles that `imake' produces (so you can 5915compile X, despite the extreme stubbornness and irrationality of its 5916maintainers). 5917 -- GNU Make 3.55 release notes 5918% 5919Go out with girls Dutch treat -- pay for dinner, drinks, 5920and the movie, and the rest of the evening is on her. 5921% 5922Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. 5923 -- Mark Twain 5924% 5925God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends. 5926% 5927God is an atheist. 5928% 5929GOD is applied POWER 5930 which is applied GOVERNMENT 5931 which is applied POLITICS 5932 which is applied ADVERTISING 5933 which is applied SOCIOLOGY 5934 which is applied PSYCHOLOGY 5935 which is applied BIOLOGY 5936 which is applied CHEMISTRY 5937 which is applied PHYSICS 5938 which is applied MATH 5939 which is applied PHILOSOPHY 5940 which is applied BULLSHIT 5941% 5942"God is as real as I am," the old man said. My faith was restored, for 5943I knew that Santa would never lie. 5944% 5945God is big, so don't fuck with him. 5946% 5947God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent -- it says so right here 5948on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these 5949divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No 5950checks, please. Cash and in small bills. 5951 -- Lazarus Long 5952% 5953God isn't dead -- he's been busted. 5954% 5955God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft. 5956% 5957God must love assholes -- She made so many of them. 5958% 5959God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on 5960where to go. 5961 "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter. 5962 "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God. 5963 "Well, how about Mercury?" 5964 "No, it's too hot there." 5965 "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?" 5966 "No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was 5967there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're 5968still talking about it." 5969% 5970God wants us to know that if we see a bumper sticker saying "Honk if you love 5971Jesus" it is a bad idea to honk to express an opinion about Jesus because it 5972will annoy the turkey who put the bumper sticker on as well as everyone else 5973in the vicinity. However, it is just fine to honk to annoy the turkey simply 5974for being a turkey, for God told Man to be fruitful and multiply, and to rule 5975over the beasts of the field and the birds of the air, and that includes the 5976turkeys who buy such bumper stickers. Of course, God understands that innocent 5977bystanders will also be annoyed, but He has wisely created traffic cops to 5978impose some constraint on how much we may annoy the turkeys within city limits, 5979for God's wisdom comprehends full well that thou shalt not make an omelette 5980without breaking eggs. God only wishes they were turkey eggs, so such moral 5981dilemmas shall be fewer in number in the future, when the generations a-coming 5982(hallelujah) won't have so many turkeys to deal with. But God knows full well 5983that such things take time, and the turkeys are showing more resilience than 5984expected, and may be with us for a long time yet. 5985% 5986God's plan had a great beginning, 5987But man spoiled his chances by sinning 5988 We trust that the story 5989 Will end in God's glory 5990But at present the other side's winning. 5991% 5992Going into politics is as fatal to a gentleman as going into a bordello 5993is fatal to a virgin. 5994 -- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe" 5995% 5996Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields 5997Sold in a market down in New Orleans 5998Scarred old slaver knows he's doing alright 5999Hear him whip the women, just around midnight 6000 6001Ah, brown sugar how come you taste so good? 6002Ah, brown sugar just like a young girl should 6003 6004Drums beating cold English blood runs hot 6005Lady of the house wonderin' where it's gonna stop 6006House boy knows that he's doing alright 6007You should a heard him just around midnight. 6008... 6009I bet your mama was tent show queen 6010And all her girlfriends were sweet sixteen 6011I'm no school boy but I know what I like 6012You should have heard me just around midnight. 6013 -- Rolling Stones, "Brown Sugar" 6014% 6015Goldfish: Two naked people tied and put on a mattress together to make love 6016"fish fashion" (ie: no hands). Originally a nineteenth-century bordel joke. 6017It can be done (if you are the victims, try on your sides from behind). 6018Venerable party game, but don't play it with strangers, or leave players 6019unsupervised, even briefly. There was a nice spoof on this sex stunt in 6020the movie "Soldier Blue". A good many women can get an orgasm from this 6021simply by struggling, especially if you put them in front of a mirror. 6022Don't both tie yourselves, even if you can manage it -- you might not be 6023able to get loose. 6024 -- The Joy of Sex 6025% 6026Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend. 6027% 6028Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen! 6029Here's a little number I tossed up in the Caribbean recently... 6030 6031Isn't it awfully nice to have a Penis, 6032isn't it frightfully good to have a Dong. 6033 6034It's swell to have a Stiffy, 6035it's divine to have a Dick, 6036from the tinyest little Tadger, 6037to the world's greatest Prick. 6038 6039So, breeches for your Willy or John-Thomas, 6040Hooray! for your One Eyed Trouser's Snake. 6041 6042Your Piece of Pork, your Wife's best friend, 6043your Porky or your Cock, 6044you can wrap it up in ribbons, 6045you can stick it in your sock! 6046 6047But, don't take it out in public, 6048or they will stick you in the dock, 6049and you won't come back. 6050 -- Monty Python, "The Meaning of Life" 6051% 6052Good scout, n.: 6053 Someone who knows the lay of the land and will take you to her. 6054% 6055Gorbachev woke up early one morning, and felt great. He walked over to his 6056window, threw back the curtains, and saw the sun coming up. He felt *so* 6057good, he crowed, "Good Morning Sun!", and was startled when a great booming 6058voice came back to him, "Good morning Comrade! Good morning to you and 6059the great Soviet Socialist Republic!". Of course, this surprised him, but 6060great politician that he is, he considers the political ramifications. 6061Gorbachev then woke up Reza and his closest aides, brought them into his 6062bedroom, and shouted out "Good morning, Comrade Sun!". Again a booming reply, 6063"Good morning, Comrade. Good morning to you and the rest of the Party!" 6064Everyone was quite excited about this, and Gorbachev sat down to his 6065day's work with a feeling of being destiny's favorite child. 6066 Later, in the evening, he was preparing for the ballet. As he 6067dressed, he noticed that the sun was setting. Walking over to the window, 6068Gorbachev threw up the sash and again addressed the sun, "Good evening to 6069you, Comrade Sun!". Once more the great voice boomed out, "Fuck you, 6070asshole! I'm in the West now!" 6071% 6072Grain grows best in shit. 6073 -- Ursula K. LeGuin 6074% 6075Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker. 6076% 6077Great Lover, n.: 6078 A man who can breathe through his ears. 6079% 6080Gross, adj.: 6081 When your bloody mary still has the string in it. 6082% 6083Gross, adj.: 6084 When your grandmother kisses you goodnight and 6085 slips you some tongue. 6086% 6087Gynecologist, n.: 6088 Someone who spends their time spreading old wives' tails. 6089% 6090HACKER: 6091 A master byter. 6092% 6093Hackers do it bottom-up. 6094% 6095Hackers do it with all sorts of characters. 6096% 6097Hackers do it with bugs. 6098% 6099Hackers do it with fewer instructions. 6100% 6101Hackers have kernel knowledge. 6102% 6103Hackers know all the right MOVs. 6104% 6105Haggis, n.: 6106 Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and 6107considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human 6108consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or 6109other animal are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled in maw in the sheep's 6110intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a minute ... 6111% 6112Half the posts to this group are about masturbation and the other half 6113are about penis size. And what I want to know is, if all you're doing 6114is jerking off, why do you care how big it is? 6115 -- From alt.sex 6116% 6117Halt!! Who goes there, friend or enema? 6118% 6119Handsome woman. -- Lovely bust. 6120Fine young fellow. -- Stirred-up lust. -- 6121 Babies' diapers. -- 6122 Bottom wipers. -- 6123Years of struggle. -- Coffin. -- Dust. 6124% 6125Handy hint: 6126 A tea bag or two can be a dandy substitute 6127 when you're out of tampons. 6128% 6129Hang gliders come down very slowly. 6130% 6131Hangover, n.: 6132 The burden of proof. 6133% 6134HAPPINESS: 6135 Having your Herpes (Type II) test come back negative. 6136% 6137Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is 6138to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal 6139difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the 6140former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) 6141facts. The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the 6142historian uses his to enrich the past. Both are usually up to their 6143ankles in bullshit. 6144 -- Tom Robbins 6145% 6146Harold had never wanted a woman so much in his life, upon overhearing the 614722- year-old beauty remark that he was too old and out of shape for her. The 6148determined septuagenarian immediately embarked upon a rigorous self-improvement 6149program. He had his face lifted, bought a toupee, ran five miles every day, 6150lifted weights and adopted a strict vegetarian diet. Within months, the 6151rejuvenated man won the young woman's heart, and she agreed to marry him. 6152 On the way out of the chapel, however, Harold was fatally struck 6153by lightning. Furious, he confronted Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "How 6154could you do this to me after all the pain I went through?" 6155 "To be honest, Harold," Saint Peter sheepishly replied, "I didn't 6156recognize you." 6157% 6158Harry came into work on Monday feeling absolutely fine, and so was astonished 6159when his secretary urged him to lie down on the sofa; even more so when his 6160boss took one look at him and ordered him to take the day, if not the week, 6161off. Even his poker buddies wouldn't have anything to do with him, insisting 6162that he go straight to bed. Finally, tired of resisting everyone's advice, 6163he went to see his doctor, who took one look at him and rushed over with 6164a stretcher. 6165 "But doctor," he protested, "I feel fine." 6166Well, this was a puzzler, conceded the doctor, who proceeded to refer to the 6167enormous reference tomes behind his desk, muttering to himself. 6168 "Looks good, feels good... No, you look like hell. Looks good, 6169feels terrible... Nah, you feel fine, right?" 6170Thumbing furiously through another volume, he said, 6171 "Looks terrible, feels terrible... Nope, that won't do it either." 6172Finally, "Looks terrible, feels terrific... Aha!! You're a vagina!" 6173% 6174Have you ever really thought about there being a simple solution to 6175America's problems? Why, we could solve all of our raw materials 6176difficulties, foreign complications etc. over a long weekend. If we 6177got up early, early mind you, on Saturday, we could take over Mexico 6178by 10:00. Panama and most of South America would be a bit more difficult, 6179but I believe we could do it by 6 or 7 that evening. Turning our 6180attention northward, Canada would require most of Sunday morning. 6181General mopping up and execution of the civilian populations would take 6182up Sunday afternoon. I just don't understand why Washington hasn't 6183thought of this... 6184% 6185Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman 6186President? "I can't deal with the Russians today. Not now. I've got 6187my period." 6188 -- Steven Moore 6189% 6190Have you ever tried to tickle yourself? Everybody has some wacko aunt or 6191uncle that can just point at you and have you rolling with laughter. But 6192if you shove your fist in your underarm for a week and a half you won't 6193laugh. Somehow your underarm just knows that it's *your* fist. Thank God 6194other parts of our bodies are dumber. 6195% 6196Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs, I 6197mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container filled with 6198water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite sex, none of whom 6199is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in their hot tubs, Californians 6200don't give a damn about earthquakes or mass murderers. They don't give a 6201damn about anything, which is why they are able to produce "Laverne and 6202Shirley" week after week. 6203 -- Dave Barry 6204% 6205Have you heard about Magda Lupescu, 6206Who came to Rumania's rescue? 6207 It's a wonderful thing 6208 To be under a king-- 6209Is democracy better, I esk you? 6210% 6211Have you heard of knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzum 6212Who married Samantha, his bow-legged cousin? 6213 Some people say, 6214 Love finds a way, 6215But for Sam and Samantha it doesn'. 6216% 6217Have you heard of the lady named Cox 6218Who had a capacious old box? 6219 When her lover was in place 6220 She said, "Please turn your face. 6221I look like a gal, but I screw like a fox." 6222% 6223Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham 6224And the scandal that's currently concerning'em? 6225 How they lift the frock 6226 And tickle the cock 6227Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em? 6228% 6229Have you seen how Sonny's burning, 6230Like some bright erotic star, 6231He lights up the proceedings, 6232And raises the temperature. 6233 -- The Birthday Party, "Sonny's Burning" 6234% 6235Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used 6236for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such 6237attempts ... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous 6238as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the 6239Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God 6240finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve. 6241 -- R. E. Masters 6242% 6243Having lost his potency years before, the octogenarian was desperate to 6244satisfy his new 18-year-old wife. He visited a gypsy woman with magical 6245powers. 6246 After the man downed a foul-tasting potion, the gypsy said, "There. 6247Now the words beep-beep will give you an enormous erection. Repeating 6248the phrase will make it disappear. But remember," she cautioned, "it will 6249work only three times. Make use of them wisely." 6250 As the old man left, he decided to test her prediction. "Beep-beep," 6251he said, and sure enough, he got the biggest erection of his life. 6252"Beep-beep", he repeated. It went away. 6253 He sped through traffic on his way home. "Beep-beep," honked a taxi. 6254The old man gasped as he instantly got hard. 6255 "Beep-beep," honked a truck. His erection wilted. 6256 Pulling into his driveway at last, the frantic man rushed inside 6257and found his nubile wife lying on the bed reading a novel. 6258 "Have I got a surprise for you," he said, tearing off his clothes. 6259"Beep-beep!" 6260 "Hold on a second," his wife said, eyeing his magnificent erection. 6261"What's all this beep-beep shit?" 6262% 6263Having made a remark rather coarse, 6264A young lady was seized with remorse; 6265 She fled from the room, 6266 And later, a groom 6267Saw her rolling about in the gorse. 6268 -- Edward Gorey 6269% 6270He: Am I... am I your first? 6271She: Well, honey, I could have sworn your face looked familiar... 6272% 6273He: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!" 6274She: "No, thanks, I've already got one asshole in there now." 6275% 6276He: So, what do you say to little fuck? 6277She: I say, "get lost, little fuck." 6278% 6279He boil my first cabbage, make it awfully hot, 6280But when he put in the bacon, oooh, you know it overflow the pot. 6281 -- Bessie Smith, "Empty Bed Blues" 6282% 6283He carried me over the stream, striding through the current, his strong, 6284muscular, thighs scarcely hesitating as he sure-footedly forded the water. 6285But what was that bulge, small, oblong, solid, that might have been, say, 6286a pocket camera? 6287 -- An Exciting Journey 6288% 6289He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control. 6290% 6291He dove down overweighted with lead. 6292Passed one hundred and flat lost his head. 6293 He flapped and he flailed, 6294 Spit his hose and he wailed, 6295Swallowed water and found himself dead. 6296% 6297He drank with curvy Mable, 6298The pace was fast and furious, 6299He slid beneath the table, 6300Not drunk but merely curious. 6301% 6302He grabbed me by my slender neck, 6303I could not call or scream. 6304He dragged me to his tiny room, 6305Where we could not be seen. 6306He tore away my filmy wrap, 6307And gazed upon my form. 6308I so cold and frightened, 6309While he so strong and warm. 6310He pressed me to his thirsty lips, 6311I gave him every drop. 6312He drained me of my very self, 6313I could not make him stop! 6314And that is why you see me here, 6315An empty, broken bottle of beer... 6316% 6317He had heard that a certain whorehouse had a reputation for the bizarre. 6318So he drove to the place and, once inside, asked the Madam if she had anything 6319unusual for him to try. "Things are pretty slow today," she said, "but I 6320do have one number you might enjoy." She went on to describe a New Jersey 6321hen that had been trained to do blow jobs. 6322 "We've got her here, but only for the day." 6323 The visitor could hardly believe it, but he paid the fee and went 6324into a room with a hen. After a frustrating hour of trying to force his 6325cock into the hen's mouth, he figured out that he was dealing with nothing 6326but a plain old chicken. He left. Thinking about it later, he decided 6327that he had had so much fun trying that he returned the few days later and 6328asked the Madam, "Do you have anything new today?" 6329 "Come this way," she said, and led him to a dark room where a group 6330of men were looking through a one-way mirror. He saw that they were watching 6331a girl making it with a large doberman pinscher. 6332 "Wow!" he said to the man standing next to him. "This is really 6333great!" 6334 The man replied, "Man, it ain't nothin'! You shoulda been here 6335a week ago and seen the guy with the chicken!" 6336% 6337He hated to mend, so young Ned 6338Called in a cute neighbor instead. 6339 Her husband said, "Vi, 6340 When you stitched up his torn fly, 6341Did you have to bite off the thread?" 6342% 6343He played smooch and stinkfinger with Daisy 6344Till this virgin was gotch-eyed and hazy. 6345 Then his gargantuan pole in 6346 Her pink, tight, and swollen 6347Young cunt just about drove her crazy. 6348% 6349He used to kiss her on her lips, but it's all over now. 6350% 6351He was not only a great swordsman, but also a cunning linguist. 6352% 6353He was so gay he'd never lean his ass on a baseball bat -- 6354scared it'd get serious. 6355% 6356He was so ugly hookers used to tell him, "Not on the first date." 6357% 6358He was the world's only armless sculptor. He put the chisel in his mouth 6359and his wife hit him on the back of the head with a mallet. 6360 -- Fred Allen 6361% 6362He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they 6363HAD to make him President of the United States. It's the only job he's 6364qualified for! 6365 -- Michael Cain 6366% 6367He who farts in church must sit in his own pew. 6368% 6369He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, pink 6370damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun. 6371% 6372He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own 6373hands. 6374% 6375He who trains his tongue to quote the learned 6376sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass. 6377 -- Howard Kandel 6378% 6379Hear about... 6380 one penile desensitizer that's so effective that you 6381 have to stroke the tube for five minutes to get the cap off? 6382% 6383Hear about... 6384 the 97-year-old prostitute who got herself listed in the Yellow 6385 Pages and now claims to be the oldest trick in the book? 6386% 6387Hear about... 6388 the absent minded nurse who made the patient without disturbing 6389 the bed? 6390% 6391Hear about... 6392 the absent-minded exhibitionist who was arrested for exposing 6393 his whatchamacalit? 6394% 6395Hear about... 6396 the ambitious secretary who walked into her boss's office and 6397 demanded a salary on next week's advance? 6398% 6399Hear about... 6400 the Ayatollah Khomeini Doll? 6401 Wind it up and it takes Ken and Barbie hostage. 6402% 6403Hear about... 6404 the basketball player who was so tall that his girlfriend had to 6405 go up on him? 6406% 6407Hear about... 6408 the careless canary that did it for a lark? 6409% 6410Hear about... 6411 the careless contortionist who accidentally swallowed his pride? 6412% 6413Hear about... 6414 the cinema buff that's very excited by current trends in films? 6415 The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure 6416 which end it will be. 6417% 6418Hear about... 6419 the compulsive gambler who drove to Las Vegas, pulled up to 6420 a parking meter, put a dime in -- and lost his car? 6421% 6422Hear about... 6423 the couple on the stalled elevator who got off between floors? 6424% 6425Hear about... 6426 the cross-eyed shoe fetishist who was always getting off on the 6427 wrong foot? 6428% 6429Hear about... 6430 the doctor that prescribed sex for insomnia? His patients didn't 6431 get any more sleep, but they had more fun staying awake. 6432% 6433Hear about... 6434 the drunken midget who walked into a home for girls and kissed 6435 everybody in the joint? 6436% 6437Hear about... 6438 the elderly gentleman who was stung on the privates by a bee and 6439 asked the doctor to relieve the pain but leave the swelling? 6440% 6441Hear about... 6442 the Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and 6443 next morning found she was six months pregnant? 6444% 6445Hear about... 6446 the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his wife, so he 6447 fired them? 6448% 6449Hear about... 6450 the fellow who chased his girlfriend up a tree and kissed 6451 her between the limbs? 6452% 6453Hear about... 6454 the fellow who got ten years for pumping Ethyl behind the station? 6455% 6456Hear about... 6457 the fellow who maintains a special register of particularly 6458 accommodating girls? He refers to it as his little blew book. 6459% 6460Hear about... 6461 the fellow who was descended from a long line his mother heard? 6462% 6463Hear about... 6464 the fine, upstanding young woman who's wonderful laying down? 6465% 6466Hear about... 6467 the freaky WAC who was court-martialed for contributing to the 6468 delinquency of a major? 6469% 6470Hear about... 6471 the French soldier who kissed his wife's cheeks before he went 6472 to the front? 6473% 6474Hear about... 6475 the freshman coed who decided not to sign up for a course in sex 6476 education when she heard the final exam would be oral? 6477% 6478Hear about... 6479 the frustrated musician who worked all week on an arrangement and 6480 then his wife didn't leave town? 6481% 6482Hear about... 6483 the fun-loving young lady who insists she won't even consider 6484 marriage until she's gotten some experience under her belt? 6485% 6486Hear about... 6487 the gay tattoo artist who had designs on several of the local 6488 sailors? 6489% 6490Hear about... 6491 the girl that wanted to impress her new boyfriend, 6492 so she put on her low-cut dress to show him a thing or two? 6493% 6494Hear about... 6495 the girl who called her boyfriend Amaretto, 'cause he was 6496 such a sweet liquor? 6497% 6498Hear about... 6499 the girl who was so undesirable that she even turned her vibrator 6500 off? 6501% 6502Hear about... 6503 the girl with the big wardrobe who started with just a little slip? 6504% 6505Hear about... 6506 the guy who couldn't find his way to the orgy? Just kind of lost 6507 his ball bearings. 6508% 6509Hear about... 6510 the guy who had his vasectomy done by Sears? 6511 Every time he gets a hard-on, the garage door goes up. 6512% 6513Hear about... 6514 the guy who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that 6515 he'd never be able to face his girl again? 6516% 6517Hear about... 6518 the guy who was an incurable romantic until penicillin came along? 6519% 6520Hear about... 6521 the guy who was so well endowed that he had a fiveskin? 6522% 6523Hear about... 6524 the handsome bachelor Senator who hired a ravishing blonde as his 6525 assistant and then made her the object of a long Congressional probe? 6526% 6527Hear about... 6528 the high school drum major who dated two of the majorettes and 6529 so enjoyed the breasts of both whirlers? 6530% 6531Hear about... 6532 the hurricane that recently struck Fire Island -- Hurricane Bruce? 6533% 6534Hear about... 6535 the inexperienced stenographer who discovered that she could lose 6536 a lot more than letters behind the files? 6537% 6538Hear about... 6539 the insurance salesman who says his greatest successes are 6540 with young housewives who aren't adequately covered? 6541% 6542Hear about... 6543 the little boy that found a fifty cent piece, so he went home 6544 for some money? 6545% 6546Hear about... 6547 the loner who gave up his solitary vice for Lent? Except on 6548 Palm Sunday, of course. 6549% 6550Hear about... 6551 the man who never worried about his marriage until he moved from New 6552 York to California and discovered that he still had the same milkman? 6553% 6554Hear about... 6555 the man who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that 6556 he'd never be able to face his girl again? 6557% 6558Hear about... 6559 the mother of 12 who was called upon to use her diaphragm so often 6560 that she kept it tacked to the headboard of her bed? 6561% 6562Hear about... 6563 the new breakfast cereal called Queerios? You simply add milk 6564 and they eat each other. 6565% 6566Hear about... 6567 the new breakfast cereal called "Swingers". They don't go snap, 6568 crackle, or pop; they just lie there and go bang, bang, bang? 6569% 6570Hear about... 6571 the new instrument of credit especially designed for use in 6572 Los Angeles single bars? It's called Bang Americard. 6573% 6574Hear about... 6575 the new rule at the girls' school? 6576 Lights out by ten, candles by eleven. 6577% 6578Hear about... 6579 the new vitamin made from chicken blood, 6580 it makes men cocky and women lay better? 6581% 6582Hear about... 6583 the nurse they thought had drowned 6584 until they found her under the doc? 6585% 6586Hear about... 6587 the nymphomaniac teenager popularly known as Little Often Annie? 6588% 6589Hear about... 6590 the over-eager bride who came, walking down the aisle? 6591% 6592Hear about... 6593 the perverted Australian who left his wife and returned to Sydney? 6594% 6595Hear about... 6596 the poor Greek fisherman who got his upper torso wedged into 6597 a porthole and couldn't get out to save his ass? 6598% 6599Hear about... 6600 the real smart girl who could play post-office all night 6601 without getting any mail in her box? 6602% 6603Hear about... 6604 the recent cigarette survey that disclosed that 99% of the 6605 men who have tried Camels have gone back to women? 6606% 6607Hear about... 6608 the San Franciscan who backed off the bus because he thought 6609 someone would grab his seat? 6610% 6611Hear about... 6612 the secretary that got fired because she had one too mini? 6613% 6614Hear about... 6615 the sultan who had ten wives, nine of them had it soft. 6616% 6617Hear about... 6618 the swinger who labeled his little black book "Future Shack"? 6619% 6620Hear about... 6621 the tight end who got two years for possession and came out a 6622 wide receiver? 6623% 6624Hear about... 6625 the truck driver who pulled out to avoid a child and fell 6626 off the sofa? 6627% 6628Hear about... 6629 the ultimate in singles bars. It's a place where girls have 6630 to show their I.U.D.'s to be admitted? 6631% 6632Hear about... 6633 the woman who claimed that two martinis usually made her 6634 feel like a new man? 6635% 6636Hear about... 6637 the young lady attacked in San Francisco? 6638 By two men, one held her down while the other one did her hair. 6639% 6640Hear about... 6641 the young thing who is fondly known to the men in the office as 6642 Secretariat -- not just because she's a good secretary but because 6643 she's a wonderful mount? 6644% 6645Hear about the... 6646 guy who wore a tux to his vasectomy, because he figured that 6647 if he was going to be impotent he might as well look impotent. 6648% 6649Hear that... 6650 bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous 6651 Census Taker". It's about a guy who comes once every ten years? 6652% 6653Hear that... 6654 the Masters and Johnson clinic may well be the only organization 6655 in the world from which a man resigns when he becomes a member 6656 in good standing? 6657% 6658Hear that... 6659 the only thing worse than coming home with lipstick on your 6660 collar is being caught with leg make-up on your ears? 6661% 6662Hear that... 6663 the Pope's next pronouncement on birth control is to be titled 6664 "Paul's Epistle to the Fallopians"? 6665% 6666Hear that... 6667 there's an establishment near the White House that caters to kinky 6668 tastes? There's a House whip in attendance, of course? 6669% 6670Hear that... 6671 those new edible candy pants are about to be distributed in a male 6672 version -- with nuts of course? 6673% 6674Heard tell that the Iron Magnolia wanted to divorce ol' Jimmy. 6675Seems he's screwing everyone but her. 6676% 6677He'd kiss and the girls called him Georgie 6678They'd cry and the girls called him Porgie. 6679 So he put Spanish fly 6680 In their pudding and pie 6681And had the first tiny-tot orgy. 6682% 6683Heisenberg may have done it. 6684% 6685"Hell, no," said the Duchess of Quick, 6686"I won't suck his filthy old prick! 6687 It's not that I funk 6688 At a mouthful of spunk, 6689But the smell of his ass makes me sick!" 6690% 6691Hello, children!! 6692 This is Uncle Dennis welcoming you to your very own fortune. 6693 Today we are going to hear a story, so sit right here on my lap 6694 and we can all start. Comfortable? Ah, yes, ah... Ah? Ah!! 6695 6696 One day, Rikki, the magic Pixie, went to visit Daisy Bumble in her 6697 tumbledown cottage. He found her in the bedroom. Roughly he 6698 grabbed her heaving ******* pulling her down on the bed and 6699 hurriedly ripping off her thin *******. 6700 6701 Old Nick, the Sea Captain was a rough tough jolly sort of fellow. 6702 He loved the life of the sea and he loved to hang out down by the 6703 pier where the men dressed as ladies ****** **** ******* ******* 6704 of ***** ****** **** the ****** with a melon. 6705 6706 Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky shop in the foot of the Magic 6707 oak tree by the wobbly dum-dum tree in the shade of the enchanted 6708 glen down in Dingly Dell. Here he sold contraceptives, ******** 6709 and various appliances *** ******** *** ***** naked fun and ***** 6710 the ******** ******* *** into six or seven pairs. 6711% 6712Help! I'm a lesbian trapped in a gay man's body! 6713 -- Bisexuality, 101 6714% 6715Help Stamp Out Rape! (Say Yes.) 6716% 6717HENPECKED HUSBAND: 6718 One who's afraid to tell his pregnant wife that he's sterile. 6719% 6720Her brother, a bastard named Ben, 6721Could rotate his pecker, and then 6722 He would shoot through his rear 6723 Which made him dear 6724Of the girls, and the envy of men. 6725% 6726Her daughter, thought worried Ms. Coffin, 6727Had morals the city might soften. 6728 So she phoned and asked, "Lynn, 6729 Are you living in sin?" 6730Lynn said, "No -- but I visit there often." 6731% 6732Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest 6733in a yak. 6734 -- Woody Allen 6735% 6736Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her. 6737% 6738Here I sit, my cheeks a flexin', 6739Just gave birth to another Texan. 6740% 6741Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with 6742the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul 6743Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't define 6744pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the 6745court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to 6746Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't 6747it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when 6748his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an 6749enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a 6750ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except 6751that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about 6752it because the court was going to take a nap. 6753 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 6754% 6755Here's a toast to Screwy Dick, 6756The man who was born with a corkscrew prick. 6757He spent his life in a futile hunt, 6758To find a woman with a spiral cunt. 6759And when he did, he dropped stone dead, 6760'Cause the blasted thing had a left-hand thread! 6761% 6762Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther 6763King, Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed: 6764 6765 * Governmental offices 6766 * Post offices 6767 * Libraries 6768 * Schools 6769 * Banks 6770 * Parts of Palm Beach 6771 6772and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina. 6773 -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live" 6774% 6775Here's to the girl in little red shoes, 6776She drinks my liquor, she drinks my booze, 6777She has no cherry, but that's no sin, 6778She has the box the cherry came in. 6779% 6780Here's to the girl that's dressed in black, 6781She's dressed so neat there's nothing to lack 6782She feels so fine and kisses so sweet 6783She makes things stand that have no feet. 6784% 6785Here's to the girl that's sweet, 6786Here's to the girl that's true, 6787Here's to the girl in all our hearts... 6788 6789In other words, guys, what do you say we all go downtown for 6790the rest of the night? 6791% 6792Here's to the woman beautiful and divine 6793she flowers every month bears fruit every nine 6794she's the only creature 'tween heaven and hell 6795can get the juice from a nut without cracking the shell. 6796% 6797Here's to women. Would that we could fall into her arms without falling 6798into her hands. 6799 -- Ambrose Bierce 6800% 6801HERMIT: 6802 A man who'd rather get off by himself. 6803% 6804HERPES: 6805 The final proof that 'tis better to give than to receive. 6806 Much better. 6807% 6808He's a son-of-a-bitch, but he's our son-of-a-bitch. 6809 -- FDR on Nicaraguan dictator Anastasio Somoza 6810% 6811He's gallantry personified, in fact, his brochures ought to 6812read satisfaction guaranteed, or your virginity returned intact. 6813% 6814He's learned about 50% of the rules of sex and conversation; 6815he knows how to stick it in, but not how to stick it out. 6816% 6817He's not pining, he's passed on! This parrot won't squawk! He's 6818ceased to be! He's expired, and gone to meet his maker! It's a 6819stiff! No breath of life, he may rest in peace! If you hadn't nailed 6820him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's off the twig! 6821He's kicked the bucket! He's curled up his tooties! He's shuffled off 6822this mortal world! He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n 6823Choir Invincible! HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT! Vis-a-vi his metabolic 6824processes is head is lost. All statements concerning this parrot is no 6825longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative... 6826 6827 THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!! 6828 -- Monty Python 6829% 6830Hey baby! 6831 How 'bout a brutal face fuck? 6832% 6833HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS: 6834 A great way to prevent the tragedy of unwanted pregnancy is to 6835become a homosexual. Every year, millions of young men and women, just 6836like you, are making the clean change to worry-free homosexuality. 6837They're having more sex than ever, and more fun than ever. Send 50 cents 6838today for my leaflet "Gay sexual techniques". Be sure to specify the 6839male or female edition. 6840% 6841HEY, KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS: 6842 Masturbation isn't as simple as it looks. Do it right! 6843Send 50 cents for my illustrated booklet "Masturbation techniques 6844for the teenager". Be sure to specify the male or female edition. 6845% 6846HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS: 6847 Remember, oral sex CAN cause pregnancy, unless you use an 6848oral contraceptive. See your family planning clinic today! 6849% 6850Hickory Dickory Dock, 6851Three mice ran up a clock! 6852The clock struck one, 6853Right in the balls! 6854 6855There was an old woman, 6856Who lived in a shoe, 6857Who had so many children, 6858Her uterus fell right out. 6859% 6860Higgledy Piggledy Coeducational 6861Yale University Extracurricular 6862Gave up misogyny Heterosexual 6863Opened its door. Fun is in store. 6864% 6865Hire the handicapped -- they're fun to watch! 6866% 6867His shy bride admitted to Crandall 6868That for years she'd worked off with a candle, 6869 But a cock like his dick 6870 Gave her ten times the kick, 6871Though it strained her wee peehole to handle! 6872% 6873Home is where the hurt is. 6874 -- Strange de Jim 6875% 6876Honest, officer, had I known my health was 6877in jeopardy, why, I'd never have lit one! 6878% 6879HONOR: 6880 Almost as good as in 'er. 6881% 6882Horny, adj.: 6883 When your cock gets hard if the wind blows. 6884% 6885Horsecrap, little brother. There's always something more to be done. 6886Another palm to be greased. Another back to be scratched. Another 6887weak sister to be shored up. 6888 -- J.R. Ewing 6889% 6890HOT TUB TIPS FOR WOMEN 6891 Vol. I -- Etiquette 6892 68931. It's not lady-like to straddle a water jet, moan in ecstasy, and then 6894 scream at the top of your lungs, "Oh, yes, YES, BABY!" 68952. Washing your partner's back is sexy. Washing your panty hose is not. 68963. Nude bathing with strangers can be a pleasant experience; don't spoil 6897 it for everyone with a thoughtless remark, such as "My God, I've 6898 seen bigger wangs on hamsters!" 68994. It's O.K. to pass a joint while tubbing. Don't pass anything else. 69005. Don't think you're fooling anybody by passing off your vibrator as a 6901 toy submarine. 6902% 6903How can you say that the world isn't 6904Jewish, when the sun's real name is Sol? 6905% 6906How come if you're horny it's lust, but if she's horny it's affection? 6907% 6908How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the 6909government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was 6910gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle. We'll be 6911lucky to escape with our skins! 6912% 6913How should they answer? 6914 -- Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) in reply to the question 6915 "Why do Jews always answer a question with a question?" 6916% 6917How soon can you have sexual relations after your wife delivers? 6918Well, depends on if she's in a ward or a private room. 6919% 6920HOW TO REMOVE STAINS -- #28 6921 Semen stains can be removed from computer terminals with 6922 Fantastik or the like. Use Windex on the glass however, and 6923 be sure to turn the power off if you have to clean between 6924 the keys. 6925% 6926Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole. 6927 -- John Valby 6928% 6929Hugh Hefner is a virgin. 6930% 6931Hunters make the best lovers; they go deeper into the 6932bush, shoot more often and *always* eat what they shoot. 6933% 6934Hypocrisy is the Vaseline of social intercourse. 6935% 6936Hypocrite, n.: 6937 A man who says he likes cats, but won't eat pussy. 6938% 6939I am an atheist, thank God! 6940% 6941I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it 6942once was ... an arctic wilderness. 6943 -- Steve Martin 6944% 6945I bet you think you're pretty cool driving around without auto insurance. 6946You're probably saying to yourself, "I'm beating the system." But what's 6947going to happen when you get pulled over and lose your license because 6948you're not insured. What girl's going to ride shotgun on a ten-speed on 6949a Saturday Night? Yeah, you're going to be beating more than the system... 6950 -- auto insurance ad, heard on KNAC, Long Beach 6951% 6952I call Christianity the one great curse, the one enormous and innermost 6953perversion, the one great instinct of revenge, for which no means are 6954too venomous, too underhand, too underground and too petty -- I call it 6955the one immortal blemish of mankind. 6956 -- Fredrich Nietzsche 6957% 6958I call it the "Madman Theory". I want the North Vietnamese to believe that 6959I've reached the point where I might do *anything* to stop the war. We'll 6960just slip the word to them that "For God's sake, you know, Nixon is obsessed 6961about Communism. We can't restrain him when he's angry -- and he has his 6962hand on the nuclear button." 6963 -- Richard M. Nixon 6964% 6965I came; I saw; I fucked up. 6966% 6967I can understand companionship. I can understand bought sex in the 6968afternoon. I cannot understand the love affair. 6969 -- Gore Vidal 6970% 6971I can't quite put my finger on it, but something about you pisses me off. 6972 -- Peter Knight 6973% 6974I choked Linda Lovelace. 6975% 6976I continued wetting my bed for a long time, not just out of contrariness, 6977but to have the pleasure of feeling my warm urine running down my legs 6978and wallowing in its odor. 6979 -- Salvador Dali 6980% 6981I did not look behind me, 'till I got to St. Omer's & thence fled to America; 6982here I offer'd to become a Spy for the English Government which was scornfully 6983rejected; I then turned to Plunder & Libel the Yankees, for which I was fined 69845000 Dollars & kicked out of the Country! I came back to England (after 6985absconding for Seven years) & set up the Crown & Mitre to establish my Loyalty! 6986-- accepted from the Doctor L400 to print & disperse a pamphlet against "the 6987Hellfire of Reform" ... but applied the Money to purchase an estate at Botley, 6988& left ye Doctor to pay the Paper & Printing! Being now Lord of the Manor, I 6989began by sowing the seeds of discontent through Hampshire; I oppressed the 6990Poor, sent the Aged to Hell, & damned the eyes of my Parish Apprentices before 6991they were open'd in the morning! ... and being now supported by a Band of 6992Reformers, I renewed my old favorite Toast of Damnation to the House of 6993Brunswick! & being exalted by the sale of 10,000 Political Registers every 6994week, I find myself the greatest Man in the World! except that Idol of all my 6995Adorations, his Royal and Imperial Majesty, NAPOLEONE! 6996 -- William Cobbett, British journalist 6997% 6998I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing 6999Who said, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?" 7000 I replied, "Simple shagging 7001 Without any wagging 7002Is only for screwing canoeing." 7003% 7004"I do love a lay every day, 7005So whenever you're coming this way 7006 Just phone in advance 7007 And I'll jerk off my pants, 7008And we're set for a sexy soiree!" 7009% 7010I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get those reindeer off my roof. 7011% 7012I don't discriminate on the basis of sex. 7013 -- Bisexuality, 101 7014 [An equal opportunity lover? Ed.] 7015% 7016I don't give a shit what happens. I want you all to stonewall it. Let 7017them plead the Fifth Amendment, cover up, or anything else if it'll save 7018the plan. 7019 -- Richard M. Nixon 7020% 7021I don't know why women get so upset, they have half the 7022money and all the pussy. 7023 -- Gary Bussy, "DC Cab" 7024% 7025I don't love you, asshole, I love your daughter. 7026 -- The Undergraduate 7027% 7028I Don't Mind If You Lie to Me, As Long As I Ain't Lyin' Alone 7029I Wouldn't Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win 7030If You Leave Me, Walk Out Backwards So I'll Think You're Comin' In 7031Since You Learned to Lip-Sync, I'm At Your Disposal 7032My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was 7033 Breaking My Heart 7034Don't Cry, Little Darlin', You're Waterin' My Beer 7035Tennis Must Be Your Racket, 'Cause Love Means Nothin' to You 7036When You Say You Love Me, You're Full of Prunes, 'Cause Living 7037 With You Is the Pits 7038I Wanted Your Hand in Marriage but All I Got Was the Finger 7039 -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay" 7040% 7041"I don't really mind her being unfaithful," sighed the man to his 7042marriage counselor, "but I just can't sleep three in a bed." 7043% 7044I don't remember ever having had the itch, and yet scratching is 7045one of nature's sweet pleasures, and so handy. 7046% 7047I don't understand what all the fuss was about in Los Angeles. 7048It's not like we looted Brooks Brothers when Oliver North got off. 7049 -- P.J. O'Rourke 7050% 7051I don't want to say that she had big tits, but one day I asked her 7052 just how big they was, and she said, "7 and 7/8". 7053I said, "7 and 7/8?! What did you measure 'em with?" 7054And she replied, "A Stetson." 7055% 7056"I finally found out what my ranch foreman husband really meant," 7057sobbed the recent bride, "when he told me he'd love me 'til the 7058cows came home." 7059% 7060I grew up in an Italian family, you know, the strange thing about 7061Italians -- they're so Jewish. 7062 -- Kay Ballard 7063% 7064I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... 7065boy, were they mad! 7066 -- Steven Wright 7067% 7068I had a virgin once. I had to go to Florida for her. She was twelve 7069years old, blind in one eye, and carried a stuffed alligator labeled 7070"Made in Taiwan". 7071 -- The Stunt Man 7072% 7073I have a funny daddy 7074Who goes in and out with me 7075And everything that baby does 7076Daddy's sure to see, 7077And everything that baby says, 7078My daddy's sure to tell. 7079You must have read my daddy's verse. 7080I hope he fries in Hell. 7081 -- Ogden Nash 7082% 7083"I have credit with this madam who runs a string of super callgirls," 7084the executive reminisced at his club bar, "but when I got the bill for 7085the great head session one of them pleasured me with, I must say that 7086it was enough to make a blown man cry." 7087% 7088I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable. 7089 -- Will Rogers 7090% 7091I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon. Come, let us 7092take our fill of love until the morning. 7093 -- Proverbs 7:17-18 7094% 7095I heard there was a lot of sex on television these days, 7096but when I tried it I kept falling off. 7097% 7098I knew Leo G. Carrol 7099Was over a barrel 7100When Tarantula took to the hills. ["Lick it!"] 7101And I really got hot 7102When I saw Jeanette Scott 7103Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills. 7104 7105Science fiction, double feature 7106Doctor X will build a creature. 7107See androids fighting Brad and Janet 7108Anne Francis stars in Forbidden Planet 7109Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh 7110At the late night, double feature, picture show. 7111 -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show 7112% 7113I know a Polack his name is Cliff, 7114Hey-la-de-la-de-la. 7115He sticks it in the freezer to get it stiff, 7116Hey-la-de-la-de-lo. 7117 7118I know a girl, her name is Serafina, 7119Hey-la-de-la-de-la. 7120She'll get down on all fours for a bowl of Purina, 7121Hey-la-de-la-de-lo. 7122 7123I know a girl, her name is Cuffy, 7124Hey-la-de-la-de-la. 7125She douches with Tide and makes her pubes fluffy, 7126Hey la-de-la-de-lo. 7127 -- Doctor Dirty 7128% 7129I know of a fortunate Hindu 7130Who is sought in the towns that he's been to 7131 By the ladies he knows, 7132 Who are thrilled to the toes 7133By the tricks that he makes his foreskin do. 7134% 7135I know what you're up to, you white-feathered fiend! 7136Go release your bowels on some lesser personage! 7137 -- W. C. Fields, upon seeing a bird overhead 7138% 7139I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire -- God wouldn't trust 7140an Englishman in the dark. 7141 -- Duncan Spaeth 7142% 7143I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me. 7144% 7145I married an Italian girl; the way you marry an Italian girl in my family 7146is to bring a New Yorker home first. 7147% 7148I may not be able to walk, but I drive from a sitting position. 7149% 7150I met a young man in Chungking 7151Who had a very long thing -- 7152 But you'll guess my surprise 7153 When I found that its size 7154Just measured a third-finger ring! 7155% 7156I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come 7157into my neighborhood after dark. 7158 -- Dick Gregory 7159% 7160I never did give anybody hell. I just told the truth and they thought 7161it was hell. 7162 -- Harry S. Truman 7163% 7164I never had Miss Defauw, 7165But it wouldn't have been quite so raw 7166 If she'd only said "No" 7167 When I wanted her so; 7168But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!" 7169% 7170I never met a woman I couldn't drink pretty. 7171% 7172I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket. 7173 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 7174% 7175I've got Hubert's pecker in my pocket. 7176 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 7177% 7178I once had the wife of a Dean 7179Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'. 7180 She remarked with some gaiety, 7181 "Not bad for the laiety, 7182Though the Bishop once managed thirteen." 7183% 7184I once met a lassie named Ruth 7185In a long distance telephone booth. 7186 Now I know the perfection 7187 Of an ideal connection 7188Even if somewhat uncouth. 7189% 7190I once was annoyed by a queer 7191Who made his intentions quite clear. 7192 Said I, "I'm no prude, 7193 So don't think me rude, 7194But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed." 7195% 7196I only date queers. 7197 -- Bisexuality, 101 7198 [I'm not queer, but my boyfriend is! Ed.] 7199% 7200I own my own body, but I share. 7201% 7202I played over the music of that scoundrel Brahms. What a giftless 7203bastard! It annoys me that this self-inflated mediocrity is hailed 7204as a genius. Why, in comparison with him, Riff is a genius. 7205 -- Tchaikovsky, October 9, 1886, diary entry 7206% 7207I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as 7208Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet 7209trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to 7210go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports 7211that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it. 7212 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" 7213% 7214I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of 7215oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate 7216commerce. 7217 -- J. Edgar Hoover 7218% 7219I shot a query into the net. 7220I haven't got an answer yet, A posted message called me rotten 7221But seven people gave me hell For ignoring mail I'd never gotten; 7222And said I ought to learn to spell; An angry message asked me, Please 7223 Don't send such drivel overseas; 7224A lawyer sent me private mail 7225And swore he'd slap my ass in jail -- One netter thought it was a hoax: 7226I'd mentioned Un*x in my gem "Hereafter, post to net dot jokes!"; 7227And failed to add the T and M; Another called my grammar vile 7228 And criticized my writing style. 7229Each day I scan each Subject line 7230In hopes the topic will be mine; 7231I shot a query into the net. 7232I haven't got an answer yet... 7233 -- Ed Nather 7234% 7235I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around 7236with his secretary. If it's somebody else's secretary, fine. 7237 -- Barry Goldwater 7238% 7239I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass. 7240 -- Barry Goldwater 7241% 7242I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else 7243that has ever happened, and vice versa. 7244 -- Frank Zappa 7245% 7246I think the Mormon prophet 7247Was a very funny man. 7248I wonder how his wives enjoyed 7249His Prophet Sharing Plan. 7250% 7251I thought Jackie O. was something you did in the bathroom. 7252 -- Strange de Jim 7253% 7254I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about feces. What a lot we 7255had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized 7256dung of long-vanished animals. A miraculous thing, really; a recovery 7257from the past from what was carelessly rejected. And in the Middle 7258Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were 7259with the feces of animals. And what a variety of names they had for 7260them: the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of 7261an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets 7262of a Deer. Surely there might be some words for the material so near 7263to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit? 7264What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a 7265Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian, 7266the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties 7267of an Untenured Professor? 7268 -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels" 7269% 7270I want a girl that can swallow my pride. 7271 -- Frank Zappa, "Jewish Princess" 7272% 7273I want the same things all men do, Rice Krispies and some sucking. 7274 -- Dudley Moore 7275% 7276I was 15 years old before I found out that "damn yankee" was two words. 7277% 7278I was a cock-teaser at Rooster Rama. 7279I used to enrage the bantams before the big bouts. 7280 -- The Firesign Theatre 7281% 7282I was having sex just the other night, but she hung up. 7283% 7284I was on vacation in Greece last summer, and was being driven round an island 7285by a Greek cab-driver. He was a friendly man, and as we drove, he told me 7286about various historic and scenic places he had been involved with. 7287 "See the entrance to that church over there? I built that with my 7288two sons. But do they call me `Dimitri the church builder'? Do they hell!" 7289 As we passed a dam, he said, "See that dam? Four of us built that 7290dam by ourselves! But do they call me `Dimitri the dam builder?' Hell, no!" 7291 As we passed a beautiful cottage, Dimitri started up again -- "See 7292that house? I built that for my wife with my own two hands! But do they 7293call me `Dimitri the home builder'? No! But just one little sheep!" 7294% 7295"I was plodding through the woods when suddenly a giant brown bear 7296grabbed me from behind and made me drop my gun. He picked it up 7297and stuck it in my back." 7298 "What did you do?" 7299 "What *could* I do? I married his daughter." 7300% 7301I went to a wild party last night. I tell ya, it was so wild, we played 7302a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one 7303of them had V.D. 7304 -- Rodney Dangerfield 7305% 7306I wish I was a fascinating lady 7307With a past that was cheap and a future that was shady 7308I'd sleep all day and I'd work all night 7309I'd live in a house with a little red light 7310And once a month I'd take a small vacation 7311And leave all the men to their imagination 7312And once in a while I'd go all wild 7313And have myself an illegitimate child 7314I wish I were a fascinating lady 7315Instead I'm the minister's child 7316% 7317I wish that my room had a floor; 7318I don't so much care for a door, 7319 But this walking around 7320 Without touching the ground 7321Is getting to be quite a bore! 7322 -- Gelett Burgess 7323% 7324I wonder what my wife will want tonight; 7325Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight? 7326 I wonder can she tell 7327 That I've been raising hell; 7328Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight? 7329 7330My wife is just as nice as can be, 7331I hope she doesn't feel too nice toward me. 7332 For an afternoon of joy, 7333 Is hell on the old boy, 7334I wonder what the wife will want tonight! 7335% 7336I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda, 7337I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder. 7338 She said it was crude 7339 To be wooed in the nude-- 7340I pursued her, subdued her, and screwed her! 7341% 7342I would like to say, Mister Bunce, 7343I'm a great connoisseur of hot cunts. 7344 And in all my lewd life 7345 I've met none like your wife, 7346So why leave her to me, you big dunce? 7347% 7348I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is 7349going to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out 7350your mind. In general this drug will make you just like your mother 7351and father. 7352 -- Frank Zappa 7353% 7354I wouldn't fuck her with your prick. 7355% 7356I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay dead that 7357scares the shit out of me. 7358 -- R. Geis 7359% 7360I'd like to give the world a hug 7361And tell it jokes and stuff 7362And pull its pants down to its knees 7363And chase it through the rough 7364 7365Then tie it up with bonds and straps 7366And search its purse for change 7367Then leave it out at Moose Grin Hall 7368With our cousin who's deranged ... 7369 -- National Lampoon, to an old Coke commercial 7370% 7371I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on 7372now. 7373% 7374I'd like to start a new religion. One that doesn't use a dead young 7375man as its logo. 7376 -- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy" 7377% 7378I'd rather have fingers than toes, 7379I'd rather have ears than a nose, 7380 And a happy erection 7381 Brought just to perfection 7382Makes me terribly sad when it goes. 7383% 7384I'd walk a mile for a Camel, two for a hump. 7385% 7386If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair. If this doesn't 7387work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child. 7388% 7389If all these sweet young things were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be a 7390bit surprised. 7391 -- Dorothy Parker 7392% 7393If anyone wants to trade a couple of centrally located, well-cushioned 7394showgirls for an eroded slope 90 minutes from Broadway, I'll be on this 7395corner tomorrow at 11 with my tongue hanging out. 7396 -- S. J. Perelman 7397% 7398If being bi increases your chance of getting a date, 7399does being poly increase your chance of getting dumped? 7400% 7401If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in 7402James Watt's office. 7403 -- Wayne Shannon, KRON-TV 7404% 7405If continence causes neurosis 7406And intercourse causes thrombosis 7407 I'd rather expire 7408 Fulfilling desire 7409Than live in a state of psychosis. 7410% 7411If girls are all sugar and spice, why do they taste like anchovies? 7412% 7413If God doesn't destroy San Francisco, 7414He should apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah. 7415% 7416If God had meant for Texans to ski he would have made bullshit white. 7417% 7418If God had meant for us to have group sex, he'd have given us more organs. 7419 -- Malcolm Bradbury 7420% 7421If God had wanted people to give blow 7422jobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth. 7423% 7424If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10 7425apostles. 7426% 7427If God hadn't intended man to eat pussy, 7428would He have made it look like a taco? 7429% 7430If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals? 7431% 7432If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound? 7433% 7434If I could reach, I'd never leave the house. 7435 -- George Carlin 7436% 7437If I had a penis I'd wear it outside, 7438In cafes and car lots, with pomp and with pride. 7439If I had a penis I'd pamper it proper 7440I'd stay in the tub and use me as the stopper. 7441If I had a penis I'd take it to parties 7442Stretch it and stroke it and shove it at smarties. 7443I'd take it to pet shows and teach it to stay. 7444I'd stuff it in turkeys on Thanksgiving Day. 7445 7446I'd rival my buddies in sportscars and stick shifts. 7447I'd shower my spire with girlies and gifts. 7448I'd peek around corners; I'd aim at my toilet; 7449I'd poke it at foreigners and soap it and oil it. 7450If I had a penis I'd run to my mother; 7451Comb out the hair and compare it to brother. 7452I'd lance her, I'd knight her, my hands would indulge... 7453Pants would seem tighter and buckle and bulge. 7454[Chorus] 7455 A penis to plunder, a penis to push 7456 'Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush. 7457 A penis to love me, a penis to share, 7458 To pick up and play with when nobody's there. 7459 -- Uncle Bonsai, "Penis Envy" 7460% 7461If it flies, floats or fucks, rent it, don't buy it. 7462 -- Tommy Earl Bruner 7463% 7464If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all. 7465 -- Rodney Dangerfield 7466% 7467If it's not one thing, it's a mother. 7468% 7469If Jesus Christ came to this town, people would say, great guy; terrible 7470carpenter. 7471 -- Gene Kirkwood, on Hollywood 7472% 7473If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot 7474to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think 7475the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* 7476pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get 7477lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets 7478lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa [ucbarpa.berkeley.edu] is down and 7479think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to receive 7480Net Mail ... 7481 -- Casey Leedom 7482% 7483If life's a piece of shit, Calculus III is the spoon. 7484% 7485If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament. 7486% 7487If men couldn't fuck there'd be a bounty on their heads. 7488% 7489If only is was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to 7490masturbate. 7491 -- Diogenes the Cynic 7492% 7493If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the country. 7494 -- Mel Brooks 7495% 7496If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question. 7497% 7498If sex is a pain in the ass, you may be doing it wrong. 7499% 7500If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would 7501suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only 7502fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, 7503only two went back to women. 7504 -- Mort Sahl 7505% 7506If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream 7507and never be our destiny. 7508 -- Rene de Visme Williamson 7509% 7510If they can't take a joke, then fuck 'em. 7511If they can, then fuck 'em. 7512% 7513If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out. 7514If thy dick offends thee, whack it off. 7515% 7516If women ran the military complex, would the missiles be shaped differently? 7517% 7518If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you 7519should join 7520 7521 THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF 7522 7523The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all who 7524don't allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs. In 7525addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the 7526following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as Church dogma: 7527 7528 -- That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which 7529 UFOs come. 7530 -- That pi equals precisely 3.000. 7531 -- That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals. 7532 -- That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared 7533 the circle. 7534 -- That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job. 7535 -- That pi equals precisely 22/7. 7536 7537Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being 7538studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were 7539done in a Hollywood special effects studio. These will be the subject 7540of a forthcoming Papal Bull ... 7541% 7542If you could get an erection, you would have no need for Emacs. 7543% 7544If you don't ride a camel to work, you ain't Sheeite. 7545% 7546If you find for your verse there's no call, 7547And you can't afford paper at all, 7548 For the true poet born, 7549 However forlorn, 7550There is always the lavat'ry wall. 7551% 7552If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish. 7553 -- Lenny Bruce 7554% 7555If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody 7556in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments. 7557% 7558If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try a different position. 7559% 7560If you were attacked by a homosexual, would you beat him off? 7561% 7562If your thesis is utterly vacuous, 7563Employ first-order predicate calculus. 7564 With sufficient formality, 7565 The sheerest banality, 7566Will be hailed by all as miraculous! 7567% 7568If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a 7569buzz-saw. 7570 -- W. C. Fields 7571% 7572If you're Catholic you've only got two choices: periodic 7573abstinence and complete continence; (you know, rhythm and blues). 7574% 7575If you're going to break up with your old lady and you live in a small 7576town, make sure you don't break up at three in the morning. Because you're 7577screwed -- there's nothing to do ... So make it about nine in the morning, 7578... bullshit around, worry her a little, then come back at seven in the 7579night. 7580 -- Lenny Bruce 7581% 7582If you're gonna sleep with someone whose moral code may be written 7583in Fortran for all you know, at least make sure there's an existing 7584friendship of some sort to fall back on if things don't work out 7585like one or the other of you planned. 7586% 7587If you're really into astrology, tell me, what happens 7588when Mercury is in the Fish, and Jupiter enters the Virgin? 7589% 7590If you're speaking of actions immoral 7591The how about giving the laurel 7592 To doughty Queen Esther, 7593 No three men could best her -- 7594One fore, and one aft, and one oral. 7595% 7596Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion. 7597 -- Robert Burton 7598% 7599Il y a une jeune fille amoureuse 7600D'un homme qu'a une conduite honteuse; 7601 Il la mene chaque soir 7602 A son caveau noir 7603Et la bat avec plaintes crapuleuses. 7604 -- Edward Gorey 7605% 7606Il y avait un jeune homme de dijon, 7607Qui n'avait que peu de religion. 7608 Il dit:"quant a' moi, 7609 Je deteste tous les trois, 7610Le pere, et le fils, et le pigeon-" 7611% 7612Il y avait un plombier, Francois, 7613Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois. 7614 Dit-elle, "Arretez! 7615 J'entends quelqu'un venait." 7616Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi." 7617% 7618Il y avait une madame de Lahore 7619Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure, 7620 Mais la vagine tres forte, 7621 Toujours ouverte la porte, 7622Encore, et encore, et encore. 7623% 7624"I'll tell ya, Jeb," Wilbur said to his friend, "the tractor business ain't 7625doin' too well. I ain't sold one all month. 7626 "You think you've got problems?" Jeb replied. "The other day, I went 7627out to milk Daisy, when she swatted me in the face with her tail, like she 7628always does. So I took some twine and tied it to the rafters. When I sat 7629down again, she kicked me like she always does. So I tied her leg to the 7630side of the stall. When I started to sit down again, I could see her taking 7631aim with her other leg, so I tied it to the other side of the stall. And I'll 7632tell you what," he continued with a sigh, "if you can convince my wife I was 7633gonna *milk* that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!" 7634% 7635I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year. 7636 -- Rodney Dangerfield 7637% 7638I'm a gay man trapped in a lesbian's body! 7639 -- The Queer Gospels of Madonna the Sloppily Conceived 7640% 7641I'm a lover not a dancer! 7642I'm a lover not a dancer! 7643Don't want to be on my feet, 7644When I can be on my back, 7645Don't want to be on the floor, 7646When I can be in the sack! 7647I'm a lover not a dancer! 7648I'm a lover not a dancer! 7649I'm just a little bit tired 7650If you know what I mean, 7651Don't want to be in a crowd 7652When I can be in a dream! 7653I'm a lover not a dancer! 7654Baby! 7655And, baby, let me prove it to you, 7656Baby, let me prove it to you! 7657 -- Jim Steinman, "Dance in my Pants" 7658% 7659I'm against group sex because I wouldn't know where to put my elbows. 7660 -- Martin Cruz Smith 7661% 7662I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say 7663"I've just had a good war." 7664 -- Mae West 7665% 7666I'm glad we don't have to play in the shade. 7667 -- Golfer Bobby Jones on being told that it was 105 degrees 7668 in the shade. 7669 7670Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is 7671dropped. 7672 -- Franklyn Ajaye 7673% 7674I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, 7675it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French 7676government -- I'd give it all up for one erection. 7677 -- Groucho Marx 7678% 7679I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. Eddie Cantor's 7680goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is Jewish. Marine Corps 7681-- heavy goyish, dangerous. Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are 7682goyish. Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. 7683Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. Macaroons are 7684very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is goyish. Lime soda is 7685very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that Jews won't go near them. 7686 -- Lenny Bruce 7687% 7688I'm never through with a girl until I've had her three ways. 7689 -- J.F. Kennedy 7690% 7691I'm not a pheasant plucker, 7692I'm a pheasant plucker's son. 7693I'm just a'plucking pheasants 7694'Til the pheasant plucker comes. 7695 -- The Irish Rovers 7696% 7697I'm not against women. Not often enough, anyway. 7698 -- NPR 7699% 7700I'm not laughing behind your back; everything funny is in front! 7701 -- Rodney Dangerfield's wife 7702% 7703I'm So Miserable Without You It's Almost Like Having You Here 7704 -- Song title by Stephen Bishop 7705 7706She Got the Gold Mine, I Got the Shaft 7707 -- Song title by Jerry Reed 7708 7709When My Love Comes Back from the Ladies' Room Will I Be Too Old to Care? 7710 -- Song title by Lewis Grizzard 7711 7712I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling 7713 -- Unattributed song title 7714 7715Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goal Posts of Life 7716 -- Unattributed song title 7717% 7718I'm sorry I'm late folks, I just got out of jail. I tried to change my 7719girlfriend's name. Yeah, I went down to the hall of records. I said, "I'd 7720like to change it... I'd like to change it to... LYING LITTLE BITCH!" 7721 -- Sam Kinison 7722% 7723I'm unbuttoning your shirt, unzipping your jeans ... 7724 7725Oh, I can feel your fingers on the keys, baby, 7726 I'm getting WARM ... 7727 7728I am getting there, oh yes,. Oh, my. OH YES... OHHHH! 7729 ...!!!rrrrrgh!!!!! 7730 7731Honey, that was *really* terrific, but, next time, 7732couldn't you please input a little SLOWER? 7733% 7734Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable. 7735Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table. 7736David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel, 7737And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as schloshed as Schlegel. 7738There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya 'bout the raising of the wrist. 7739Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed! 7740 7741John Stuart Mill, of his own free will, 7742On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill. 7743Plato, they say, could stick it away, half a crate of whiskey every day. 7744Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle, 7745Hobbes was fond of his dram, 7746And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am". 7747Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed; 7748A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed! 7749 -- Monty Python, "The Philosopher's Drinking Song" 7750% 7751Impotent loser, n.: 7752 Someone who can't even get his hopes up. 7753% 7754In 1953, Stalin dies. The politburo holds a special meeting to decide 7755what to do about the body. Nobody will let it be buried near their home. 7756Finally they decide: 7757 "Aha! Call Israel! Offer them ten million rubels; they'll let us 7758bury Stalin in Israel! Off goes the message and the politburo waits... 7759Finally a telegram comes back: 7760 "NO CHANCE STOP ONE RESURRECTION HERE ALREADY" 7761% 7762In a recent survey on why some men are homosexual, 82 percent of the gay 7763chaps responding said that either genetics or home environment was the 7764principal factor. The remaining 18 percent revealed that they had been 7765sucked into it. 7766% 7767In bed Dr. Oscar McPugh 7768Spoke of Spengler -- and ate crackers too. 7769 His wife said, "Oh, stuff 7770 That philosophy guff 7771Up your ass, dear, and throw me a screw!" 7772% 7773In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with 7774reality at any point. 7775 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 7776% 7777In cosmetics, there's cases of revolutionary Venus Envy Hair Spray; 7778Legette Hair Fastener Heat Bags; Lady O' Spain Self-Blinding Eye Shadow 7779with Magic Puncture Pencil; Sanitary Napkin Rings in Little Miss, Moon 7780Maid and Stuck Pig Strength; and deported Italian Napagel Balls for 7781soaking or eating; and they're all slash-priced with the lady in mind... 7782 -- The Firesign Theatre 7783% 7784In days of old, when knights were bold, 7785 And rubbers weren't invented, 7786They tied their socks around their cocks 7787 And babies were prevented. 7788% 7789In Duluth there's a hostess, forsooth, 7790Who doesn't know gin from vermouth, 7791 But this lubricant lapse 7792 Isn't noticed, perhaps 7793Because nobody does in Duluth. 7794% 7795In France they piss on Main Street 7796(In pissoirs, Mama, not cheap display). 7797 -- Joni Mitchell 7798% 7799In light of the New Morality, Playboy Inc. is offering a new version of 7800its magazine, for married men. Every month it has the same centerfold. 7801% 7802In my sweet little Alice Blue gown 7803Was the first time I ever laid down, 7804 I was both proud and shy 7805 As he opened his fly 7806And the moment I saw it I thought I would die. 7807 7808Oh it hung almost down to the ground, 7809As it went in I made not a sound, 7810 The more that he shoved it 7811 The more that I loved it, 7812As he came on my Alice Blue gown. 7813% 7814In my sweet little night gown of blue, 7815On the first night that I slept with you, 7816 I was both shy and scared 7817 As the bed was prepared, 7818And you played peekaboo with my ribbons of blue. 7819 7820As we both watched the break of day, 7821And in peaceful submission I lay, 7822 You said you adored it 7823 But dammit, you tore it, 7824My sweet little night gown of blue. 7825% 7826In outer space, nobody can hear you fart. 7827% 7828In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless 7829he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client 7830has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated 7831that "If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time 7832ago." 7833 -- Dennis Miller, SNL News 7834% 7835In the Garden of Eden sat Adam, 7836Massaging the bust of his madam, 7837 He chuckled with mirth, 7838 For he knew that on earth, 7839There were only two boobs and he had 'em. 7840% 7841In the romantic days of Warsaw, Viennese whores were known for their 7842beauty and delicacy. A gallant officer picked up one such lady of the 7843evening, who took him to her apartment. They made delicious love all 7844evening before drifting to sleep in each others' arms. In the morning 7845the man dressed, staring into a full-length mirror. The lady lay in her 7846bed watching him. Finally, she said softly, 7847 "Didn't you forget something?" 7848 "What did I forget?" asked the officer. 7849 "You forgot about the money," said the lady. 7850 "Oh, no," said the man, standing at ramrod attention. 7851"A Polish officer never accepts money." 7852% 7853In the shade of the old apple tree 7854Where between her fat legs I could see 7855 A little brown spot 7856 With the hair in a knot, 7857And it certainly looked good to me. 7858 7859I asked as I tickled her tit 7860If she thought that my big thing would fit. 7861 She said it would do 7862 So we had a good screw In the shade of the old apple tree 7863In the shade of the old apple tree. I got all that was coming to me. 7864 In the soft dewy grass 7865I could hear the dull buzz of the bee I had a fine piece of ass 7866As he sunk his grub hooks into me. From a maiden that was fine to see. 7867 Her ass it was fine 7868 But you should have seen mine 7869In the shade of the old apple tree. 7870% 7871In the stands here I see a young couple who must be in love -- they're 7872kissing on every pitch. He's kissing her on the strikes, and she's 7873kissing him on the balls. 7874 -- Harry Caray, a Chicago sportscaster 7875% 7876Incest, n.: 7877 Sibling revelry. 7878% 7879Incest, n: 7880 Sibling revelry; a sport the whole family can enjoy. 7881% 7882Infatuation, n.: 7883 When you're in love, there's a lump in your throat. 7884 When you're infatuated, there's a lump in your pants. 7885% 7886In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe 7887is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit. 7888% 7889==================== 7890Inter-Dwarf Memo 7891To: Dwarf-list 7892From: Doc 7893Re: S. White 7894 7895 If that bitch cleans one more thermometer with Ajax, I'm gonna kill 7896her. I'll give her apples, nice big apples. With surprises inside. Yeah, 7897surprises. 7898% 7899==================== 7900Inter-Dwarf Memo 7901To: Dwarf-list 7902From: Happy 7903Re: S. White 7904 7905 Let it be noted that if she whistles that goddamned song one 7906more time I'm gonna rip her fuckin' lips off. Have a nice day. 7907% 7908Is it just me, or does anyone else read "bible humpers" every time 7909someone writes "bible thumpers"? 7910 -- Joel M. Snyder, jms@mis.arizona.edu 7911% 7912Israeli prime minister Shamir invited the Pope to play a round of golf. Since 7913the Pope hadn't the faintest of an idea how to play, he convened the college of 7914cardinals to ask their advice. "Call Arnold Palmer," they suggested, "make him 7915a cardinal and let him play in your place. Tell Shamir you couldn't make it." 7916 Honored by His Holiness' request, Palmer agreed to represent him. 7917When he returned from the match, the Pope asked him how he had done. "I came 7918in second," Palmer replied. 7919 "You mean to tell me Shamir beat you?" 7920 "No, Your Holiness. Rabbi Nicklaus did." 7921% 7922It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be 7923classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck". 7924% 7925It is better to have a positive Wasserman than never to have loved at all. 7926% 7927It is better to have Uranus in Cancer than to have Cancer in Uranus. 7928% 7929It is considered normal to consecrate virginity in the 7930general and lust for its destruction in the particular. 7931% 7932It is far better to sleep with an old hen than pullet. 7933% 7934It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. 7935Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other 7936half are doing it. 7937 -- Winston Churchill 7938% 7939It is not wise to make love more than once in the morning. 7940You never know who you'll meet later in the day. 7941% 7942It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that 7943could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered, 7944broad-hipped, and short-legged race. 7945 -- Schopenhauer 7946% 7947It is recounted that at King's College in the Strand around the time of the 7948war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds by 7949teaching "a singularly important principle of medicine." He asked a nurse 7950to fetch him a sample of urine. He then talked at length about Diabetes 7951mellitus. "Diabetes," he said, "is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that 7952the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which 7953means sweet as honey. Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine 7954of a diabetic ..." 7955 By now the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which the 7956registrar promptly held up like a trophy. We stared at that straw-colored 7957fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before. The registrar then 7958startled us. He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his 7959finger with the tip of his tongue. As if tasting wine, he opened and closed 7960his lips rapidly. Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar? The sample 7961was passed on to us for an opinion. We all dipped a finger into the fluid, 7962all of us foolishly licked that finger. 7963 "Now," said the Registrar grinning, "You have learnt the first 7964principle of diagnosis. I mean the power of observation." We were baffled. 7965We stood near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the distance, some 7966anonymous patient was explosively coughing. "You see," the registrar said 7967continuing triumphantly, "I dipped my MIDDLE finger into the urine, but 7968licked my INDEX finger -- not like all you chaps. 7969% 7970It is very difficult to look at the possibility of lesbian sheep because 7971if you are a female sheep, what you do to solicit sex is to stand still. 7972Maybe there is a female sheep out there really wanting another female, 7973but there's just no way for us to know it. 7974 -- Anne Perkins, in her study of sexuality in sheep. 7975% 7976It may not be funny, but it's damned amusing! 7977% 7978It must be admitted that we English have sex on the brain, which is a 7979very unfortunate place to have it. 7980 -- Malcolm Muggeridge 7981% 7982It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then 7983god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side. 7984 -- Frank Zappa 7985% 7986It seems that a rabbi, a priest and a minister decided to go fishing one 7987sunny afternoon. All three climbed into the boat and headed for the middle 7988of the lake. After several hours of relaxation, the minister decided that 7989"nature was calling", and climbed out of the boat and walked ashore. In 7990a few moments, he walked back out to the boat and climbed back in. 7991 The rabbi was absolutely astonished, but decided not to mention 7992the apparent miracle. 7993 A few minutes later, the priest also decided to go ashore for a 7994moment, and climbed out of the boat, walked to shore, and a few minutes 7995later came back. 7996 By now the rabbi was in great distress and had begun to doubt his 7997beliefs and wonder if there might be some validity to the Christian 7998teachings. But he immediately reaffirmed the fact that his faith WAS JUST 7999AS STRONG as either the priest's or the minister's and decided that anything 8000they could do, with God's help, he could do as well. 8001 The rabbi then announced that he needed relief and would walk to 8002shore. He climbed out of the boat and went straight to the bottom of the 8003lake. While the rabbi was thrashing about in the water, the priest turned to 8004the minister and said, "So... do you think we ought to tell him where the 8005rocks are?" 8006% 8007It seems that a Scotsman and an Irishman walked into a bar. The Scot 8008immediately singled out the bartender and proclaimed that drinks were 8009on the house, and that he expected him to serve only his best. The next 8010day, the headlines read: Irish Ventriloquist Beaten to Death Behind Bar. 8011% 8012It seems that John gets this phone call: 8013 "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end of the line 8014is hard and cold. 8015 "This is Susan," he hears. "We met at a party a few months 8016ago. 8017 "Of course, Susan!", John replies. "How are you?" 8018 "Not very well. Remember how after the party you took me home and 8019we parked? And you told me that I was a 'good sport'? Well, I'm pregnant 8020and I'm going to kill myself tonight." 8021 John is silent for a few moments, collecting his thoughts. "Well," 8022he finally replies, "you sure *are* a good sport." 8023% 8024It seems that there was this Christian about to be thrown to the lions. He 8025was shoved into the middle of the arena and the lion was released. Being 8026a good Christian, as the lion approached he knelt and prayed, asking God for 8027forgiveness for his (few) sins, and begging that the lion might be dissuaded 8028from eating him for its breakfast. Much to his dismay, the lion didn't stop 8029but kept coming, getting faster and faster, now almost running, so the 8030Christian took off too. There they were, running around and around the arena, 8031the lion getting closer and the Christian praying harder and harder between 8032gasps for breath. The lions breath was now hot upon his heels and he could 8033even feel droplets of the lions saliva splashing on his bare feet. So he 8034pulled out all the stops, promising God that if the lion will only spare him, 8035he will devote the rest of his life to spreading the Christian faith, 8036forsaking all temptation and possessions. Suddenly he no longer felt the 8037lions breath, no longer heard the great beast's snarls close behind him. 8038Slowing to a stop, he turned around and saw the lion on its knees, eyes rolled 8039upward, paws held together. The lion appeared to be muttering something so 8040the Christian approached until he could make out what the lion was saying. 8041 "Dear Lord, for what I am about to receive..." 8042% 8043It takes a brave man to admit his mistakes. 8044Especially in a paternity hearing. 8045% 8046It takes leather balls to play rugby. 8047 (Blood makes the grass grow!) 8048% 8049It takes little strain and no art 8050To bang out an echoing fart. 8051 The reaction is hearty 8052 When you fart at a party, 8053But the sensitive persons depart. 8054% 8055It used to be a man's world, and the woman's place was in the home. 8056They can kiss that shit goodbye. 8057% 8058It was a female that drove me to drink 8059and I didn't even have the kindness to thank her. 8060 -- R.E. Baber 8061% 8062It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The 8063Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital 8064lies. 8065 -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way" 8066% 8067It was a warm, sunny Sunday, and a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. 8068They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and 8069the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. "That gorilla is getting 8070excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse 8071off and we'll see what he does?" 8072 At first she refused. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took 8073off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and 8074jumping up and down. 8075 "Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all 8076your clothes and we'll see what he does." 8077 Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape 8078really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around 8079in circles and tossed his food all over the cage. The husband went over to 8080the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. 8081 "Now," said the husband, "tell that motherfucker you have a headache!" 8082% 8083It was almost closing time when a male patron who had been getting the 8084frosty treatment from a girl at the end of the bar called to the 8085bartender and said, "Give that bitchy douche bag over there one on me." 8086 "We discourage that sort of language here, sir," the bartender 8087answered sternly. 8088 "OK, OK. Serve the lady a cocktail with my compliments." 8089 The bartender approached the female in question. "The, uh, gentleman 8090at the other end of the bar would like to buy you a drink, miss. What would 8091you like?" 8092 "Vinegar and water." 8093% 8094It was April the 41st, 8095Being a quadruple leap year. 8096I was driving in down-town Atlantis. 8097My Barracuda was in the shop, 8098So I was in a rented stingray 8099 -- and it was over-heating. 8100So, I pulled into a Shell station. 8101They said I'd blown a seal. 8102I said "Fix the damned thing and leave my private 8103 life out of it, okay pal?" 8104 -- Wet Dreams 8105% 8106It was at the eighth annual mouse convention and mice from near and far had 8107gathered for the ball. A pretty little female mouse waltzed by the stag 8108line and one of the males whistled a low, dirty whistle to himself. 8109Turning to another mouse he said, "Look at the legs on that bitch, aren't 8110they beautiful?" 8111 "Just fair," was the answer. 8112 "You're crazy," said the first mouse and then turning to another, 8113asked his opinion. 8114 "They're nice," said the third mouse, "but nothing to get excited 8115about." 8116 "Some mice have no appreciation," exclaimed the first mouse. "Now 8117you," he said to a fourth mouse, "what did you think?" 8118 "To tell you the truth," was the reply, "I'm no authority on legs; 8119I'm a tit mouse myself." 8120% 8121It was her wedding night, and the sweet young thing was in a romantic haze. 8122"Oh, darling," she sighed, "We're married at last. It's all like a wonderful 8123dream!" 8124 Her husband didn't answer. A few moments passed. She sighed again 8125and said, "I'm afraid I'll awake in a moment and find it isn't true." 8126 Still no response from her spouse. Another pause and another 8127sensuous sigh, then, softly, "I just can't believe that I'm really your 8128wife." 8129 "Damn it," growled her mate, "as soon as I get this shoelace untied, 8130you will!" 8131% 8132It was his third marriage and her fourth. He was quite surprised when on 8133their honeymoon she pleaded, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." 8134 "Darling, what do you mean you're still a virgin? You've been 8135married three times." 8136 "Yes, but they all worked for DEC. The first was a salesman, 8137and all he ever did was promise how good it would be. The second was one 8138of their software hacks, he told me to take care of it myself. And the 8139third was a field service representative, and he kept promising that it 8140would be up in 15 minutes. 8141% 8142It was New Year's Eve and the house was brightly decorated with holiday 8143trappings. The only sound that broke the quiet was the click of Grandma's 8144knitting needles. The children; Jane, eight and Mary, five, were seated 8145in front of a cheerily burning fire, leafing through a picture book. 8146Tiring of this, they went over to Grandma's rocker. Jane climbed up on 8147the arm of the chair and Mary snuggled into Grandma's cozy lap. 8148 "Tell us a story," begged Mary. 8149 "Oh," said the old lady, laying aside her knitting and wrapping 8150her arms around the children. "What story should I tell you?" 8151 "Tell us our favorite story," whispered little Jane eagerly. 8152"About the time you were a hooker in Chicago." 8153% 8154It was on the tip of my tongue to tell them about the deer, but I ended up 8155not doing it. That was one thing I kept to myself. I've never spoken or 8156written of it until just now, today. And I have to tell you that it seems 8157a lesser thing written down, damn near inconsequential. But for me it was 8158the best part of that trip, the cleanest part, and it was a moment I found 8159myself returning to, almost helplessly, when there was trouble in my life -- 8160my first day in the bush in Vietnam, and this fellow walked into the clearing 8161where we were with his hand over his nose and when he took his hand away there 8162was no nose there because it had been shot off; the time the doctor told us 8163our youngest son might be hydrocephalic (he turned out just to have an 8164oversized head, thank God); the long crazy weeks before my mother died. I 8165would find my thoughts turning back to that morning, the scuffed suede of 8166her ears, the white flash of her tail. But eight hundred million Red Chinese 8167don't give a shit, right? The most important things are the hardest to say, 8168because words diminish them. It's hard to make strangers care about the 8169good things in your life. 8170 -- Stephen King, "The Body" 8171% 8172It was the first day of a new term at Princeton, and a Texas A&M freshman 8173was learning his way around the campus. Stopping a distinguished looking 8174upperclassman, he inquired, 8175 "Say, buddy, can you tell me where the library is at?" 8176 "My good fellow," came the reply, "at Princeton we do not end our 8177sentences with a preposition." 8178 "All right," said the freshman, "can you tell me where the library 8179is at, asshole?" 8180% 8181It was this guy's first day in the penitentiary; he was in a cell with a 8182huge burley inmate, and he was pretty nervous. At lights-out, the inmate 8183jumped out of his bunk, and, turning to our hero, said, "We're going to 8184have sex! You want to be the Mommy or the Daddy?" 8185 A very terrified hero managed to squeak out, "Uh, well, uh, I guess 8186I'll be the Daddy." 8187 "OK," smiled his roommate, "get down here and suck your Momma's dick!" 8188% 8189It's a bit hard to bullshit the ocean. It's not listening, you know 8190what I mean. 8191 -- David Crosby 8192% 8193It's a bitch being butch. 8194% 8195It's a funny thing that when a woman hasn't got anything 8196on earth to worry about, she goes off and gets married. 8197% 8198It's a question of Napoleon brandy versus Ripple. 8199I am mellow and amber and I go down real smooth. 8200 -- Rita Moreno, commenting in Newsweek on the sex appeal 8201 of older women versus younger women 8202% 8203"It's always the same," the girl sighed to her roommate after returning 8204in the wee, small hours. "Afterward, I feel so compromised, so cheap, so 8205soiled... so absolutely wonderful from head to toe!" 8206% 8207It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up. 8208 -- Joan Rivers 8209% 8210It's better to be pissed off than pissed on. 8211% 8212It's hard to keep a good girl down -- but lots of fun trying. 8213% 8214It's midnight. The old man is awake, nervously pacing the floor, as his 821520-year-old son comes in. 8216 8217 "Whatta you mean? You staya out alla night, you runna around widda 8218bums. Whatta you trying to do?" 8219 "Papa, don't talk like that," replies the boy. 8220 "Who-a you, tella me notta talka like that? You no work, you 8221chase-a bad women, whatta become of you?" 8222 "Papa, *please* don't talk like that." 8223 "Don'ta talka like that? Whatta you mean? Why shouldn't I talka 8224likka that?" 8225 "Papa, we're not Italian." 8226% 8227It's not a sin not to be Irish, but it is a great shame. 8228 -- Sean O'Huiginn 8229% 8230It's not pretty being easy. 8231% 8232It's not the ups and downs of love, it's the ins and outs. 8233% 8234It's so fuckin' great to be alive! 8235% 8236It's the sighs that count. 8237% 8238I've been feeling kind of jealous, 8239Of all them well-hung fellas, 8240Like Michael, Rod, and Mick. It would have to be a big one, 8241Tell me, Doctor can you mend me? A giant, horny love gun, 8242I've a case of penis envy -- To let me be a jock. 8243If I only had a dick. Girls would never beg my pardon, 8244 They would turn on to my hardon -- 8245 If I only had a cock. 8246Oh, I can tell you now, 8247The number of times I'd score, 8248I could fuck girls like I would not be just a housewife, 8249 I never have before, Living a little mouse-life 8250And then I'd cum (wee!) In days that drag out long. 8251And fuck some more! I would dance and I'd be merry 8252 Life would be a ding-a-derry 8253 If I only had a dong! 8254 -- to "If I Only Had A Brain", The Wizard of Oz 8255% 8256I've been told that it's far more sensuous to have a woman leave something 8257on rather than being totally nude. Myself, I've always felt that the lights 8258were more than enough. 8259% 8260I've been watching you closely to see if you have been good this year; 8261and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me 8262to leave under your tree on Christmas. I was going to bring you all the 8263gifts from the twelve days of Christmas, but we had a little problem up here. 8264The twelve fiddlers fiddling have all come down with V.D. from fiddling with 8265the ten ladies dancing, the eleven lords-a-leaping have knocked up the eight 8266maids-a-milking, and the nine pipers piping have been arrested for doing 8267weird things to the seven swans-a-swimming and the six geese-a-laying. The 8268four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and the partridge 8269in the pear tree have me up to my ass in birdshit. On top of all this, Mrs. 8270Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves 8271have joined gay liberation, and those dumb ass Polacks have scheduled 8272Christmas for the fifth of February. I'll do what I can. 8273 Sincerely, 8274 Santa 8275% 8276I've finally found the perfect girl, 8277I couldn't ask for more, 8278She's deaf and dumb and over-sexed, 8279And owns a liquor store. 8280% 8281I've got Hubert's pecker in my pocket. 8282 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 8283 8284Don't see 'em this big out here, do they? 8285 -- Lyndon B. Johnson, exposing himself to reporters in a 8286 public toilet during a tour of the Far East 8287% 8288I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to 8289watch him have another. 8290 -- Rita Rudner 8291% 8292Jack an Jill went up the hill. 8293Jill went down, 8294Jack came. 8295% 8296Jack and Jill went up a hill 8297To fetch a pail of water. 8298Jack fell down and broke his crown Jack on Jill produced a thrill 8299And Jill came tumbling after. When on the ground he got her, 8300 Then went down and told the town 8301 He tumbled Jill and gaffed her. 8302Jack to Jill thus did such ill 8303That Jill, to pay the rotter, 8304Told the town Jack's crown broke down Jack and Jill have split the bill 8305When he set out to shaft her. Since Jack led Jill to totter. 8306 Half the town deals Jill a frown 8307 And half greets Jack with laughter. 8308% 8309Jack and Jill went up the hill 8310Each had a buck and a quarter. 8311Jill came down with two and a half -- 8312And you thought that they went for water. 8313% 8314Jack and Jill 8315Went up the hill, 8316Each had a buck and a quarter! 8317Jill came down, 8318With two and a half, 8319You think they went for water? 8320% 8321Jack be nimble, Jack be quick. 8322Jack jumped over the candle stick, 8323And burnt his balls. 8324% 8325Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, 8326Jack jumped over the candle stick. 8327But Jack wasn't so nimble, 8328Jack wasn't so quick, 8329So Jack's in the hospital, with a burned up dick! 8330% 8331Jehovah is an alien and still threatens this planet! 8332% 8333Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth his time. 8334% 8335Jesus has just stopped the crowd from stoning Mary Magdalene to death 8336and is berating the self-pious with the famous speech, "Let the one 8337among you who is without sin cast the first stone..." 8338 Right about then, a rock comes winging through the air and hits 8339Jesus upside the head. He whirls around and shouts "Alright, Mom, c'mon! 8340I'm trying to make a point, here!" 8341% 8342Jesus loves you, but everybody else thinks you're a dork. 8343% 8344Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin. 8345 -- Michael O'Donohugh 8346% 8347Jesus Never Fails 8348 8349(He's never taken the Massachusetts Bar Exam, either.) 8350% 8351Jesus saves... but Gretzky gets the rebound! 8352 -- Daniel Hinojosa 8353% 8354Jesus Saves, 8355Moses Invests, 8356But only Buddha pays Dividends. 8357% 8358Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority. 8359% 8360Jews always know two things: suffering and where to find great Chinese food. 8361 -- From the movie "My Favorite Year" 8362% 8363Jimmy Carter, Ted Kennedy, Gary Hart, Joseph Biden and Michael Dukakis were 8364on a cruise down the Potomac when the ship struck a rock and began to sink. 8365 "Gentlemen," Carter said, "as good Christians, we should let the 8366women and children aboard the lifeboats first." 8367 "Fuck the women!" Kennedy shouted. 8368 "Do we have time?" Hart asked. 8369 "Do we have time?" Biden asked. 8370 "Did everyone hear that?" Dukakis asked. 8371% 8372Joan of Arc is alive and medium well. 8373% 8374John Birch Society: 8375 That pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy. 8376 -- Edward P. Morgan 8377% 8378John Paul II is famous for his touring, and his quaint habit of pressing 8379his lips to foreign soil on his arrival. This sparked some wit to remark: 8380 "The Pope has it backwards: he kisses the ground, and walks on 8381the women!" 8382% 8383Johnny Carson's Observation on Geriatrics: 8384 Sex in the sixties is great, but it improves if you pull 8385 over to the side of the road. 8386% 8387Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of 8388blue denim. If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys 8389like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim. I don't enjoy the sky 8390or sea as much as I used to because of this Levi character. If Jesus Christ 8391came back today, He and I would get into our brown corduroys and go to the 8392nearest jean store and overturn the racks of blue denim. Then we'd get 8393crucified in the morning. 8394 -- Ian Anderson, of Jethro Tull 8395% 8396Kansas, where the men are men, the sheep 8397are scared and the women are grateful. 8398% 8399Kasha, n.: 8400 Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only 8401 one problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat 8402 groats"? *I* know what they are -- they're kasha. But that 8403 doesn't help *you* much. 8404 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 8405% 8406Kill a commie for Christ! 8407% 8408King Louis gave a lesson in class, 8409One time while enjoying a lass. 8410 When she used the word "Damn" 8411 He rebuked her: "Please ma'am, 8412Keep a more civil tongue in my ass." 8413% 8414Kissing, petting, and even intercourse are all right as long as they are 8415sincere. I have never given a kiss in my life that wasn't sincere. As 8416for intercourse, I'd say three times a day was about right. 8417 -- Margaret Sangor 8418% 8419Kitten with a whip, Teddy bear in chains, Puss in leather boots, 8420tail, swish swish, spread on a bed; rising thigh high; 8421take what you will, fantasy games, black rubber suits; 8422get what you wish. deep in your head. making him cry. 8423 8424Squirm from the blows, Now pussy's all hot, Teddy bear sighs; 8425writhe from the pain; from the power trip; kitty's on top; 8426but teddy bear knows, ready or not, there's fire in her eyes, 8427that he wants it again. next swing's from and the cat won't stop. 8428 the hip. 8429 8430The world explodes, Teddy's still tied; Kitten with a whip, 8431her claws dig in; lying all alone; tail, swish swish, 8432then kitty cat goes, even if he tried, take what you will, 8433cause she's through he couldn't go home. get what you wish. 8434 with him. 8435 -- Kitten With A Whip 8436% 8437Knowledge Engineering: 8438 8439A combination of: 8440 8441Engineering, n.: 8442 The application of science and mathematics by which the properties 8443of matter and the sources of energy in nature are made useful to man in 8444structures, machines, products, systems and processes. 8445 8446and 8447 8448Knowledge, n.: 8449 Sexual intercourse. 8450 8451See also: Prostitution, Grantsmanship. 8452% 8453Konrad Lorenz, the great animal behaviorist, was scrupulous about cultivating 8454fruitful confusion. Lorenz lived among his research subjects: dozens of 8455species of mammals, birds, reptiles, and fishes. He did not quantify, control, 8456or consciously experiment. He got to know each creature individually, then 8457threw them together, watching for the unexpected, the unusual, or the bizarre 8458in the chaos that followed. For example, his interest in one of ethology's 8459most important concepts, that of intention movements (motions with meaning, 8460such as the head bobbing in birds that serves as an alarm signal before 8461flight), derived from an inadvertent experiment. He had trained a free-flying 8462raven to eat raw meat from his hand and had been feeding the bird for several 8463hours one day. He would reach into his pants pocket and take out a piece of 8464meat, and the raven would swoop down to grab it in its bill. By and by, Lorenz 8465went to relieve himself near a hedge. When the raven saw him put his hand 8466into his pants and pull out another morsel of meat, it swooped down, hungrily 8467grasping the new mouthful in its bill. Lorenz howled in pain. But the event 8468left a deep impression on him -- about how faithfully animals respond to 8469intention movements, that is. 8470 -- The Sciences, May/June, 1988, N.Y. Academy of Science 8471% 8472Kotex, n.: 8473 Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best. 8474% 8475Kumquat, n.: 8476 Any of several small citrus fruits with sweet spongy rind and 8477 somewhat acidic pulp that are used chiefly for preserves. 8478 Extremely popular in some forms of sexual intercourse. In fact, 8479 an early indication that your partner is willing to experiment 8480 sexually may be a rather insistent moaning of "kumquat, kumquat" 8481 during orgasm. 8482 8483 Note: this is *not* to be confused with a warning from your 8484 partner that his/her parents are upstairs and probably awake. 8485% 8486Labia majora, n.: 8487 The curly gates. 8488% 8489Lady to Golf Pro: "I was stung by bees on your golf course!" 8490Pro: "Ummm, well, where?" 8491Lady: "Between the 1st and 2nd holes." 8492Pro: "That's going to real tough to treat." 8493% 8494Lagnaf, n.: 8495 Let's All Get Naked And Fuck! 8496% 8497Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone. 8498% 8499"Last night," said a lassie named Ruth, 8500"In a long-distance telephone booth, 8501 I enjoyed the perfection 8502 Of an ideal connection -- 8503I was screwed, if you must know the truth." 8504% 8505Last week I saw a girl in a sweater so tight I could hardly breathe. 8506% 8507Lawyer, n.: 8508 Someone who can get a sodomy charge changed to "following too 8509 closely." 8510% 8511Lawyers do it to everyone. 8512% 8513Left a good broad by the river, 8514Traveled back into town just to get some rest! 8515Waited for 10 hours, 8516Went back to the river, 8517But I couldn't get her out of that mess! 8518 8519chorus: 8520 Poor Mary Jo Kopechne, 8521 Dead Mary Jo Kopechne, 8522 Rollin'... rollin'... rollin' down the window! 8523 8524If you're gonna run for office, 8525And you know that it's an election year. 8526Don't go in the river, 8527'Specially by way of bridges, 8528It could put an end to your political career! 8529(chorus) 8530 -- Poor Mary Jo, to the tune of "Proud Mary" 8531% 8532Lemme show ya the odds, Sparky... In yer country, ya got 14 million 8533black people, and 3 million white people. Now, does the name "Custer" 8534mean anything to you? 8535 -- Robin Williams, portraying Lester Maddox talking to 8536 Prime Minister Botha of South Africa. 8537% 8538Les salons de la ville de Trieste 8539Sont vaseux, suraigus, at funestes; 8540 Parmi les grandes chaises 8541 On cause des malaises, 8542Des estropiements, et des pestes. 8543 -- Edward Gorey 8544% 8545Let a Field Service Engineer put it in. 8546% 8547LET Jesus be YOUR anchor! 8548 8549So when Satan rocks your boat, THROW Jesus overboard! 8550% 8551Liberace was at heaven's gate when Saint Peter told him that he'd been 8552disqualified from entering. 8553 Stunned, Liberace asked, "Why?" 8554 "Our records show that you once ate a parakeet," Saint Peter answered. 8555 "I never did that," Liberace replied. "Can't you check your records? 8556They *must* be wrong!" 8557 "It says right here that on August 15, 1981, you ate a chartreuse 8558parakeet with black trim." 8559 "Hey, listen, you must be thinking of Ozzy Osbourne, " Liberace 8560replied. "Now, I might have had a cockatoo..." 8561% 8562Lick-a-dee-clit! 8563% 8564Life is a bitch, but the puppies can be cute. 8565% 8566Life is a shit sandwich, and every day you get to take another bite. 8567It's just that some days are TWO BITE days ... 8568% 8569Life is having a mother-in-law that sucks and a wife that don't. 8570 -- Rodney Dangerfield 8571% 8572Life is like a cucumber -- one moment it's 8573in your hand, the next it's up your ass. 8574% 8575Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's 8576hard you get fucked. 8577% 8578Life is like a shit sandwich. The more bread 8579you have, the less shit you have to eat. 8580% 8581Life is not a cabaret. 8582It's a fucking circus. 8583% 8584Life isn't a bitch. Life is a virgin. A bitch is easy. 8585% 8586Like private parts to the Gods are we, 8587they play with us for their sport. 8588 -- Lord Melchett (Blackadder 2) 8589% 8590Lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you, 8591Lipstick on your dipstick said you were untrue. 8592Bet your bottom dollar you and I are through, 8593'Cause lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you. 8594 -- To the tune of "Lipstick On Your Collar" 8595% 8596Lisp hackers 8597 ... do it in CARS. 8598 ... do it with tail recursion. 8599 ... first do it in the front, then do it in the back. 8600 ... have DEFUN while doing it. 8601 ... have to be bound to do it. 8602 ... have Moby dicks. 8603% 8604Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ... 8605% 8606Lisp programmers do it deeper and deeper and deeper. 8607% 8608Little Boy Blue -- He needed the money. 8609 -- Andrew "Dice" Clay 8610% 8611LITTLE DEATH: (la petite mort) Some women do indeed pass right out, the 8612'little death' of French poetry. Men occasionally do the same. The 8613experience is not unpleasant, but it can scare an inexperienced partner 8614cold. A friend of ours had this happen with the first girl he ever slept 8615with. On recovery she explained, "I am awfully sorry, but I always do that." 8616By then he had called the police and an ambulance. So there is no cause 8617for alarm, any more than over the yells, convulsions, hysterical laughter, 8618or sobbing, or any of the other quite unexpected reactions that go along 8619with complete orgasm in some people. By contrast others simply shut their 8620eyes, but enjoy it no less. Sound and fury can be a flattering testimony 8621to a partners skills, but a fallacious one, because they don't depend on the 8622intensity of feeling, nor it upon them. 8623 -- The Joy of Sex 8624% 8625Little Herbie had been blind since birth. One day at bedtime, his mother 8626told him that the next day was a very special one. If he prayed extra 8627hard, he'd be able to see when he woke up the next morning. The next 8628morning she came into Herbie's room and asked him if he'd prayed hard 8629the night before. 8630 "Yes, Mommie," was his reply, "all night long!" 8631 "Well, then," she said, "open your eyes and you'll know that 8632your prayers have been answered." 8633Little Herbie opened his eyes, only to cry out, 8634 "Mother! Mother! I still can't see!" 8635 "I know, dear," said his mother, "April Fool." 8636% 8637Little Johnny with a grin, 8638Drank up all of daddy's gin, 8639Mother said, when he was plastered, 8640Go to bed, you little love-child. 8641% 8642Little known facts: the dirtiest words used on television during the 86431950's were uttered by June Cleaver. 8644 "Gee, Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?" 8645% 8646Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, 8647Eating her curds and whey. 8648Along came a spider, 8649And bit her right in the snatch. 8650% 8651Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet, 8652Eating her curds and whey. 8653Along came a spider, 8654Who sat down beside her, 8655And said, "Hey, what's in the bowl, bitch?" 8656 -- Andrew "Dice" Clay 8657% 8658Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, 8659Her knickers all tattered and torn. 8660For it wasn't a spider that sat down beside her, 8661But Little Boy Blue with his horn! 8662% 8663Little Miss Muffet, 8664Sat on her tuffet, 8665Smoking some THC. 8666Along came a narc'er who sat down beside her 8667And said, "So... what's in the bag, bitch?!" 8668% 8669Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit 8670her grandmother when a wolf jumped out from behind a tree. 8671 "Aha!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you, and I'm going to eat you." 8672 "Eat, eat, eat," said Little Red Riding Hood angrily, 8673"Damn it, doesn't anybody fuck anymore?" 8674% 8675Long, long ago, in the Old West, a rancher rode into town to buy supplies. 8676When he returned, he found that his whole family had been killed, his wife 8677raped, his house burned, and all his cattle rustled. When he told his 8678distant neighbors about the tragedy, a few of them reported that the only 8679stranger they had seen in the area for weeks was a tall desperado wearing a 8680black hat and a red neckerchief. 8681 The cowboy saddled his fastest horse and set out to find the villain. 8682He searched for months but couldn't catch up with the culprit; in town after 8683dusty town he was told that a man fitting the description had been there but 8684had just departed; usually after some heinous crime. 8685 One evening after a hard day's ride he came into a town, tied his 8686horse, and entered the saloon. At a table in the corner sat an ugly man, 8687with a black hat and a red neckerchief! Slowly the cowboy stalked up to 8688this man, his hands resting upon his guns. 8689 "Are you the man who killed my family, raped my wife, burned my 8690house and rustled my cattle?" 8691 "Probably; after so many, how can I be sure?" snarled the bandit. 8692 "You better cut that shit out!" 8693% 8694Look out for yourself -- or they'll pee on your grave. 8695 -- Louis B. Mayer 8696 8697The reason so many people showed up at Louis B. Mayer's funeral 8698was because they wanted to make sure he was dead. 8699 -- Samuel Goldwyn 8700% 8701Love comes in spurts. 8702 -- Devo, "Please Please" 8703% 8704Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit. 8705% 8706Love is blind but desire doesn't give a good goddam. 8707 -- James Thurber 8708% 8709Love is eating her even when she's not having her period. 8710% 8711Love is just for now ... herpes lasts forever. 8712% 8713Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin -- it's the triumphant 8714twang of a bedspring. 8715 -- S.J. Perelman 8716% 8717Love is two minutes and fifty-two seconds of squishy sounds. 8718 -- Johnny Rotten 8719% 8720Love letters no longer they write us, 8721To their homes they so seldom invite us. 8722 It grieves me to say, 8723 They have learned with dismay, 8724We can't cure their "vulva pruritus". 8725% 8726Luser, n.: 8727 Someone who picks up a female 8728 hitch-hiker walking home from a date. 8729% 8730Ma Bell runs a baudy house. 8731% 8732Macho, adj.: 8733 Jogging home from a vasectomy. 8734% 8735Male, n.: 8736 Life support system for a cock. 8737% 8738Man in stall: 8739 Hey, buddy? Is there any toilet paper out there? 8740Man at sink: 8741 No, I don't see any. Just a second... Nope, none in 8742 any of the other stalls either. 8743A minute passes. 8744Man in stall: 8745 Say, buddy? 8746Man at sink: 8747 Yeah? 8748Man in stall: 8749 You got change for a ten? 8750% 8751Man who dance in crowded ballroom 8752dance cheek to cheek with woman behind him. 8753% 8754Man who keep money in jockstrap has financial matters all balled up. 8755% 8756Man's lust for a bust is hardly recent, 8757Some say not even indecent. 8758But if you lust, 8759It's a must! 8760% 8761Many a bachelor feels the need to insert his masculinity. 8762% 8763Many a man has decided to stay alive not because of the will to live, but 8764because of the determination not to give assorted surviving bastards the 8765satisfaction of his death. 8766 -- Brendan Francis 8767% 8768Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would 8769not have chosen a suit by it. 8770 -- Maurice Chevalier 8771% 8772Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the 8773whole girl. 8774 -- Stephen Leacock 8775% 8776Many a man who thinks he's going on a maiden voyage with 8777a woman finds out later that it was just a shake-down cruise. 8778% 8779Many a sober Christian would rather admit that a wafer is God than that God 8780is a cruel and capricious tyrant. 8781 -- Edward Gibbon 8782% 8783Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. 8784But she can never catch him at it. 8785% 8786Many a woman hasn't realized that she was raped until the check bounced. 8787% 8788Many nice things suck. 8789% 8790Marijuana is like Coors beer. If you could buy the damn stuff 8791at a Georgia filling station, you'd decide you wouldn't want it. 8792 -- Billy Carter 8793% 8794Marlene wanted Joy to relent, 8795She said, "AIDS is so hard to prevent. 8796 If you want to get laid, 8797 Then we'll have to tribade!" 8798(But Joy didn't know what she meant.) 8799% 8800Marriage has driven more than one man to sex. 8801 -- Peter De Vries 8802% 8803Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, 8804you lose interest. 8805 -- Professor Irwin Corey 8806% 8807Mary had a little lamb, 8808It's fleece as white as snow. 8809It followed her to school one day, 8810And got fucked by a big black dog. 8811% 8812Mary had a little lamb, 8813She kept it in a bucket. 8814And every time she let it out, 8815The bulldog used to 8816Chase it around the garden. 8817% 8818Mary had a little lamb, 8819The lamb turned out to be a ram, 8820Now Mary has a little lamb. 8821% 8822Mary had a little sheep, 8823And with the sheep she went to sleep, 8824The sheep turned out to be a ram, 8825And Mary had a little lamb. 8826% 8827Mary had a little watch; 8828She swallowed it one day. 8829And so she took some Ex-Lax 8830To pass the time away. 8831 8832But when she took the Ex-Lax 8833The time it did not pass. 8834So when you want to know the time, 8835Just look up Mary's ... 8836 Uncle, he has a watch, too. 8837% 8838Masturbation! The amazing availability of it! 8839 -- James Joyce 8840% 8841Masturbation, n.: 8842 A self-service elevator. 8843% 8844Masturbation, n.: 8845 Coming unscrewed. 8846% 8847Math is to physics like masturbation is to sex. 8848% 8849Mathematicians do it in groups. 8850% 8851Mathematicians do it in theory. 8852% 8853Mathematicians do it with a small, imaginary part. 8854% 8855Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is 8856described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can play. 8857 -- James Blish, "Beep/The Quincunx of Time" 8858% 8859Mathematicians take it to the limit. 8860% 8861May a deranged midget on a pogo stick 8862take refuge in your sister's hoop skirt. 8863% 8864May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister. 8865% 8866May all the boys you fall in love with fall in love with boys themselves. 8867% 8868May all the girls you fall in love with fall in love with girls themselves. 8869% 8870May Allah blow sand in your Preparation H. 8871% 8872May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow! 8873% 8874Maybe if the guy who developed Twinkies hadn't had such a low 8875opinion of himself they would have been an inch or two longer! 8876% 8877Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city 8878nativity scene removed: 8879 "They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men 8880and a virgin in the whole organization." 8881% 8882McCoy's a seducer galore, 8883And of virgins he has quite a score. 8884 He tells them, "My dear, 8885 You're the Final Frontier, 8886Where man never has gone before." 8887% 8888McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom: 8889 If an item is advertised as "under $50", 8890 you can bet your ass it's not $19.95. 8891% 8892McQuillan was on the stand. The case involved a railroad and several of 8893the passengers who were injured. 8894 "You say," thundered the counsel for the railroad, "that you saw 8895the two trains crash head on while doing sixty miles an hour. What did you 8896think when you saw this happen?" 8897 "I thought," replied the Irishman, "this is one *helluva* way to run 8898a railroad." 8899% 8900Me father makes book on the corner, 8901Me mother makes second hand gin, 8902Me sister makes love for a dollar, 8903And that's how the money rolls in! 8904 8905 Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in! 8906 (Rolls in!) 8907 Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in! 8908 8909Me father sells cheap prophylactics, 8910Me mum pokes the tips with a pin, 8911Me sister performs the abortions, 8912And that's how the money rolls in! 8913 8914Me uncle's a poor missionary, 8915He saves fallen women from sin. 8916He'll save you a blonde for five dollars, 8917And that's how the money rolls in. 8918% 8919Me, I love the rich. *Somebody* has to love them. Sure, a lot 8920of rich people are assholes, but believe me, a lot of poor people 8921are assholes too. And an asshole with money can at least pay 8922for his own drinks. 8923 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" 8924% 8925Meanwhile back at the oasis, the Ay-rabs wuz busy a-eatin' their dates! 8926% 8927Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Granny was a-beating off the Indians, but 8928they jus' kept on a-comin'. Back at the outhouse, things were a-pilin' up. 8929And, as the U.S. Fourth Calvary mounted the hill, Tonto, cleverly disguised 8930as a doorknob, came off in the Lone Ranger's hand. 8931% 8932Meet Elmer, young son of the Thorpes, 8933Afflicted with psychotic warps. 8934 His idea of fun 8935 Is to bugger a nun, 8936And then vomit all over the corpse. 8937% 8938Megaton Man: "LOOK at them! Helpless, tender creatures, relying on 8939 ME, waiting for ME to make my move!" 8940 8941(from below): "Move your ASS, Fat-head!" 8942 8943Megaton Man: "It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!" 8944% 8945Men -- can't live with 'em, can't leave 8946'em by the curb when you're done. 8947% 8948Men have many faults, 8949 Women only two: 8950Everything they say, 8951 And everything they do! 8952% 8953Men will fuck mud. 8954 -- Lenny Bruce 8955% 8956Menage a trois, n.: 8957 Using both hands to masturbate. 8958% 8959Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines 8960also often feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female 8961body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and 8962should not be seen by the light of day. 8963 -- Richard Roeper, "Men and Women Are Different" 8964% 8965Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and it 8966has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin very 8967closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing 8968the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ... 8969 8970 [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important 8971 world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the 8972 next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.] 8973 8974... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your 8975cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of 8976billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even more 8977interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a fact. Your 8978skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the older veteran cells, 8979who have finally worked their way to the top and obtained offices with nice 8980views, are constantly being shoved out the window head first, without so 8981much as a pension plan, by younger hotshot cells moving up from below. 8982 -- Dave Barry 8983% 8984Meteorologist, n.: 8985 A man who can look in a woman's eyes and predict whether. 8986% 8987Mickey Mouse has a long talk one day with a psychiatrist, after which 8988the psychiatrist interviews Minnie Mouse. A few days later Mickey meets 8989with the psychiatrist, and the following conversation ensues: 8990 8991Sigmund: I talked with Minnie after talking with you. 8992Mickey: Oh? 8993Sigmund: I couldn't find anything wrong with her -- she isn't insane. 8994Mickey: Idiot! I didn't say she was insane -- I said she was fuckin' Goofy. 8995% 8996Miguel Cervantes wrote Donkey Hote. Milton wrote Paradise Lost, then his 8997wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. 8998% 8999Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some sheep's 9000testicles for a bet... God, that bloody sheep kicked him! 9001 -- Ripping Yarns 9002% 9003Missed the train at the railway station 9004Oh hell, blast, and damnation! 9005Asked a lady in there if she had the time, 9006She said "Yes", and a strong inclination. 9007% 9008Missionary Position: 9009 The missionary on top. 9010% 9011Mistress Mary, quite contrary, 9012How does your garden grow? 9013With silver bells and cockle shells, 9014And one really fucked-up petunia. 9015% 9016Mistress, n.: 9017 Something between a mister and a mattress. 9018% 9019Mixed emotions: 9020 Watching your mother-in-law back off a cliff... 9021 in your brand new Mercedes. 9022% 9023Montana: 9024 Where men are men and women are sheep. 9025% 9026Moody bitch in search of... 9027 kind, considerate, loving man. Objective, love-hate relationship. 9028% 9029Moody bitch with attitude, seeks nice, 9030good-looking guy to dump on. 9031% 9032Morris left for a two-day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few 9033blocks from his house, when he realized that he had left the airplane 9034tickets on his bureau top. He returned and quietly entered the house. 9035His wife, in her skimpiest negligee, was standing at the sink washing 9036the breakfast dishes. She looked so inviting that he tiptoed up behind 9037her, reached out, and squeezed her breast. 9038 "Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Morris won't be here 9039for breakfast tomorrow." 9040% 9041Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a 9042boot if the instructions were printed on the heel. 9043% 9044Most men would never get laid if it weren't for the pity fuck. 9045% 9046Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity 9047to be otherwise. 9048 -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" 9049% 9050Most women look for a man who is tall, dark and hung some. 9051% 9052Motto of the Electrical Engineer: 9053 Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it 9054stays up as long as you don't fuck with it. 9055% 9056Moustache rides, 50 cents. 9057% 9058Mr. Rection, Mr. Hugh G. Rection, please pick up a white courtesy telephone! 9059% 9060Mrs. Johnson had a very beautiful and intelligent parrot. He had just one 9061problem: He liked to fuck Mr. Hawkins' chickens. Mrs. Johnson scolded him 9062time and time again, but he would just laugh at her. Finally, she told him 9063that if he did it again, she would cut off all of the feathers on the top of 9064his head. Well, he resisted the urge for a week, but one day, he just 9065couldn't resist going next door. Besides, he figured she was bluffing. 9066 Well, Mr. Hawkins came over, ranting and raving about how the parrot 9067had been fucking his chickens again. Mrs. Johnson didn't say a word, just 9068took out her scissors and cut off all of the parrot's head feathers. 9069 That night, Mrs. Johnson had a big party at her house. Before it 9070started, she took the parrot and put him on top of the piano by the front 9071door. "Since you disobeyed me today, you have to stay here on the piano 9072tonight. Now, don't you dare move." 9073 Well, the parrot was pretty pissed off about having his head bare, 9074and he wasn't too happy about having to spend the whole evening on the piano. 9075Still, as he usually did, when the butler would announce the guests as they 9076arrived, he would say hello to them. Just then, two bald-headed men came to 9077the door. 9078 Before the butler could say anything, the parrot yelled, "Okay, you 9079chicken-fuckers, up here on the piano with me!" 9080% 9081Mrs. Kelly is partial to cocks; 9082Mr. Kelly likes rye on the rocks. 9083 When he's under the weather 9084 They can't get together, 9085So others get into her box. 9086% 9087Musing on her present and past professions as "dominant/sadomasochism 9088fantasy fulfiller" and dental hygienist, Sybil said, "I couldn't really 9089understand why I wanted to be a dental hygienist, but years later, after 9090being in the SM world a long time, I figured it out: I'm in uniform, 9091they're not. I'm standing up, they're lying down. I'm doing painful 9092things to them for their own good. This is so ME." 9093 -- The Daily Cal, September 29, 1992 In an article titled: 9094 "Kinky sex remains alive and whipping despite threat 9095 of AIDS, book reveals" 9096% 9097My advice to the women's clubs of America is to raise more hell and fewer 9098dahlias. 9099 -- William Allen White 9100% 9101My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. He goes around 9102with his head stuck up his ass. 9103% 9104"My country, right or wrong," is a thing that no patriot would 9105think of saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, 9106"My mother, drunk or sober." 9107 -- G. K. Chesterton 9108% 9109My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus. They put him 9110in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was 9111Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus. 9112 -- T. Bywater 9113% 9114My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my 9115family, it seems, begins where yours left off. 9116 -- Alexandre Dumas, pere 9117% 9118My girlfriend's favorite erotic position is bending over my credit cards. 9119% 9120My godda bless, never I see sucha people. 9121 -- Signor Piozzi, quoted by Cecilia Thrale 9122% 9123My idea of a wild party is where you throw the girls' panties at the wall 9124and they stick. 9125 -- Johnny Bob 9126% 9127My jaw aches, my pussy is sore. 9128I simply can't fuck any more; 9129 I'm covered with sweat, 9130 And you haven't come yet, 9131And my God, it's a quarter to four! 9132 -- The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint 9133% 9134My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend. 9135 -- Rodney Dangerfield 9136% 9137My mother was a test tube; my father was a knife. 9138 -- Friday 9139% 9140My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. One day my wife 9141came home early from work and found us in bed together. 9142 -- Lenny Bruce 9143% 9144My mothers are wholly ignorant of the almost universal prevalence of secret 9145vice, or self-abuse, among the young. Why hesitate to say firmly and without 9146quibble that personal abuse lies at the root of much of the feebleness, 9147paleness, nervousness, and good-for-nothingness of the entire community? 9148 -- Dr. J.H. Kellogg, "The Ladies Guide", Modern Medicine 9149 Publishing Company, 1895. Dr. Kellogg helped invent 9150 corn flakes and peanut butter. In addition to denouncing 9151 masturbation, he believed that smoking caused cancer and 9152 that certain ailments could be cured by rolling a 9153 cannonball on the stomach. 9154% 9155My reaction to porno films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I 9156want to go home and screw. After the first twenty minutes, I never want 9157to screw again as long as I live. 9158 -- Erica Jong 9159% 9160My sex life hasn't been so good; either fist or famine. 9161% 9162My travel agent's an Oxford chap 9163Who rolls his eyes when he speaks. 9164I asked him about the Isle of Man 9165For a journey of about six weeks. 9166And this is what he said to me 9167As he looked me right in the eye, 9168"For a far-out trip, try an ice cream dip 9169Of Elephant Shit On Rye." 9170 9171A brand-new store just opened its door 9172At the corner of 5th and Vine 9173And I happened to be standing right outside 9174When they turned on their neon sign. 9175I heard a strange sound, I looked around, 9176And that's when I almost died, 9177They nearly knocked me down to be the first in town 9178To get their Elephant Shit On Rye! 9179% 9180"My trip? It was vile. Balaclava 9181I loathed. Etna was crawling with lava. 9182 The ship was all white 9183 But it creaked in the night, 9184And the band, they did not know la java." 9185 -- Edward Gorey 9186% 9187My wife and I only smoke after sex. I've had the same pack since 1967. 9188She's up to three packs a day. 9189 -- Rodney Dangerfield 9190% 9191My wife has breast cancer. She told me to start dating. 9192 -- Howard Stern 9193% 9194Naked children are so perfectly pure and lovely. I confess I do not admire 9195naked boys. They always seem to me to need clothes -- whereas one hardly 9196sees why the lovely forms of girls should ever be covered up. 9197 -- Lewis Carroll 9198% 9199Naked couple in bed, woman says to man: 9200 "When I said I had a foot fetish, I was referring to cocks." 9201% 9202Nancy Reagan wants to divorce old Ron... 9203seems he's making it hard for everyone but her. 9204% 9205National Sex Week -- don't let your meat loaf. 9206% 9207Navel, n.: 9208 A place to stash your gum on the way down. 9209% 9210Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows. 9211Watch who you sleep with. 9212% 9213Necrophilia, n.: 9214 Dead boring. 9215 9216Incest, n.: 9217 Relatively boring. 9218% 9219Necrophilia, n.: 9220 Dropping in for a cold one. 9221% 9222Need to buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep? 9223Try Fredricks of Ithaca, New York. 9224% 9225Negotiate my ass, let's kill something! 9226% 9227Never fly under a seagull - they'll shit on your airplane. 9228 -- Gordon Cooper 9229% 9230"Never send a MAN to do a WOMAN'S work! Why do you think I CAME here?" 9231"Not for the good of my ego, that was for damn sure." 9232% 9233Never try to keep up with the Joneses; they might be newlyweds. 9234% 9235New book out from Gary Hart; "Six Inches from the White House". 9236% 9237New Jersey is not the armpit of the nation; 9238it's the asshole of the universe. 9239 -- Jonathan Michael Smith 9240% 9241New York: 9242 Where men are men, sheep enjoy it, and lepers laugh their heads off. 9243% 9244Newlywed groom: 9245 Honey, I have something to confess to you. I'm a golfer. 9246 You'll never see me on Tuesday nights, Thursday nights, 9247 and weekends. I'm sorry. 9248Newlywed bride: 9249 I have something even worse to confess, dear. I'm a hooker. 9250Groom: 9251 Oh, honey, that's no problem! Just keep your head low and follow 9252 through... 9253% 9254Newsflash: 9255 Apparently the rapture did occur last Tuesday as was originally 9256predicted. All true believers were transported to heaven while the rest 9257of us were left behind to await the Anti-Christ and the end of the world. 9258 Widespread reports that the rapture had not occurred stemmed from 9259expectations that the effect would be more widespread than it turned out 9260to be. The definition of "true believer" was apparently more restrictive 9261than expected, however, and the only qualifiers were a family of five, 9262living in Stenton, North Dakota. 9263% 9264Next, upon a stool, we've a sight to make you drool. 9265Seven virgins and a mule, keep it cool, keep it cool. 9266 -- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2) 9267% 9268Nice computers don't go down. 9269% 9270Nine out of ten men who preferred Camels have switched back to women. 9271% 9272Nine reasons a taco is better than a woman: 9273 1: Tacos don't put frilly covers on the toilet seat 9274 so the lid won't stay up. 9275 2: Tacos don't use your razor on their legs. 9276 3: Tacos don't say "That's okay, it doesn't have to be good for me." 9277 4: Tacos don't get upset if you eat another taco, "Just for fun." 9278 5: Tacos will never contest a divorce, 9279 demand a property settlement or seek custody of anything. 9280 6: Tacos won't ask you about your last lover, 9281 or speculate about your next one. 9282 7: A taco will never make a scene because 9283 there are other tacos in the refrigerator. 9284 8: It's easy to drop a taco. 9285 9: Tacos don't want to sleep on your chest. 9286% 9287Ninety percent of everything is crap. 9288 -- Theodore Sturgeon 9289% 9290No matter how clever the hardware boys 9291are, the software boys piss it away. 9292% 9293No one born with a mouth and a need is "innocent". 9294 -- Greg Bear 9295% 9296No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether 9297she will or will not be a mother. 9298 -- Margaret H. Sanger 9299% 9300Non Illegitemus Carborundum. 9301 [Don't let the bastards wear you down.] 9302% 9303Not everyone has a one-track mind. 9304 -- From a Bisexuality 101 talk 9305% 9306Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends. 9307 -- Woody Allen 9308% 9309Nothing, adj.: 9310 A man with an erection who walks into a wall and breaks his nose. 9311% 9312Nothing is better than Sex. 9313Masturbation is better than nothing. 9314Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex. 9315% 9316Now a Jew, in the dictionary, is one who is descended from the ancient 9317tribes of Judea ... but you and I know what a Jew is -- one who killed 9318Our Lord ... A lot of people say to me "Why did you kill Christ?" What 9319can I say? It was an accident. It was one of those parties that got out 9320of hand, you know... We killed him because he didn't want to become 9321a doctor, that's why we killed him. 9322 -- Lenny Bruce 9323% 9324Now hear this fair lass from Rhode Isle 9325Who said with a wink and a smile, 9326 "Sure, please stick it in, 9327 Be it thick be it thin, 9328But if's rough I won't do as a file." 9329% 9330Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind- 9331bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers 9332have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the non-existence 9333of God. The argument follows: "I refuse to prove that I exist," says God, 9334"for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing." "But," says Man, 9335"the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved 9336by chance, thus proving that you exist, therefore by your own arguments, 9337you don't. QED." "Oh, dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and 9338promptly vanishes in a puff of logic. 9339 -- Douglas Adams 9340% 9341Now what would they do if I just sailed away? 9342Who the hell really compelled me to leave today? 9343Runnin' low on stories of what made it a ball, 9344What would they do if I made no landfall?" 9345 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Landfall" 9346% 9347Nuke the gay, unborn, baby whales for Jesus. 9348% 9349Nurse Jones is a regular on the newsgroup [alt.sex.bondage], and 9350occasionally has problems with folks harassing her. She came up 9351with this in response to one... 9352 9353 Fortunately, my ego isn't as fragile as that woodpecker's wing. 9354 When fratboy called me a dyke I told him that actually I was 9355 bisexual, but that he shouldn't feel threatened because he didn't 9356 meet either of my standards. But if it makes you feel more 9357 comfortable, I said, my husband tied me to the bedposts this 9358 morning and screwed the daylights out of me. 9359 9360 "Just think," said 9361 9362 Nurse Jones, 9363 "... that was four 9364 hours ago and 9365 my sperm count 9366 is probably *still* 9367 higher than yours." 9368% 9369Nybble me... Byte me... Unsigned long int me... 9370% 9371Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman. 9372 -- Joseph Pulitzer 9373% 9374Obscene? Obscene is young men being trained to drop fire on people, but 9375their commanders not allowing them to write "fuck" on their airplanes 9376because it's obscene. 9377% 9378Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers. 9379% 9380Occident, n.: 9381 The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It 9382is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful sub-tribe of the 9383Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which 9384they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the 9385principal industries of the Orient. 9386 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9387% 9388Ocean, n.: 9389 A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for 9390man -- who has no gills. 9391% 9392Oden the bardling averred 9393His muse was the bum of a bird, 9394 And his Lesbian wife 9395 Would finger his fife 9396While Fisherwood waited as third. 9397% 9398Of course, I speak of nothing else but that classic of understated yet wildly 9399exciting eroticism, "The Windflower," by Laura London. Ms. London is the 9400author of such other philosophical block-busters as "Bad Baron's Daughter," 9401"A Heart Too Proud," "Moonlight Mist," and most thigh-warming of all, "Gypsy 9402Heiress". Well, glasses-steaming scenes are to be found on every page, to 9403an extent which overwhelms Your Humble Narrator, and so, in order to save 9404himself extreme embarrassment, he brings you... the blurb: 9405 9406 "Every lady of breeding knows: no one has a good time on a pirate 9407ship. No one, that is, but the pirates. Yet there she was, Merry Wilding 9408-- kidnapped in error, taken from a ship bound from New York to England, 9409spirited away in a barrel and swept aboard the infamous "Black Joke"... 9410There she was, trembling with pleasure in the arms of her achingly handsome, 9411sensationally sensual, golden-haired captor -- Devon." 9412% 9413Of course, most people eventually give up bowling for sex. 9414The balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes. 9415% 9416Of his face she thought not very much, 9417But then, at the very first touch, 9418 Her attitude shifted -- 9419 He was terribly gifted 9420At frigging and fucking and such. 9421% 9422Oh, baby, put two fingers here and one finger there and call me bitch. 9423% 9424Oh give me a home, where the bookmakers roam, 9425Where the beer and the whiskey flows free, 9426Where never is heard, a discouraging word, 9427And the call-girls keep callin' for me! 9428% 9429Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog Rover, 9430That got run over with my mower. 9431One leg is missing, and one other is gone, 9432The fourth one is scattered all over the lawn. 9433It's no use explain'n, the one remaining, 9434It landed by the kitchen door. 9435Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog rover, 9436that ain't gonna walk no more... 9437 -- Tune is something about a four-leaf clover 9438% 9439Oh John, let's not park here. 9440Oh John, let's not park. 9441Oh John, let's not. 9442Oh John, let's. 9443Oh John. 9444Oh. 9445% 9446Oh, pity the Duchess of Kent! 9447Her cunt is so dreadfully bent, 9448 The poor wench doth stammer, 9449 "I need a sledgehammer 9450To pound a man into my vent." 9451% 9452Oh pity the prince, Montezuma 9453He tried to make love to a puma. 9454 Seems the puma, in play, 9455 Tore his testes away - 9456- An example of animal huma. 9457% 9458Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to conceive. 9459 -- Don Herold 9460% 9461OLD FELLA RED CLARET 9462 Produce of Australia -- "The Big 69'er" 9463 9464An unusual "Rough-as-Guts" wine that has the Distinctive Bouquet of old 9465and ill-cared for animals. It is best drunk with the teeth clenched to 9466prevent ingestion of the seeds and skins. Connoisseurs will savour the 9467slight Tannin Taste of burnt shag feathers and soiled medical dressings. 9468Possessors of a cultivated Palate admire the initial assault on the taste 9469buds which comes from the careful and loving blending of circus hosings 9470with perished jock straps. The maturing in Midland Abattoir hogsheads 9471gives it a very Definite Nose. With the bouquet like an aborigine's armpit. 9472In the United States this wine is marketed as Crow Brand (9 out of 10 people 9473who drink it for the first time exclaim "VRAAAARRRRRK"). 9474 9475It won a Bronze at the "Kings Cross Homosexuals Convention" of 1973 9476 9477Warning: Avoid contact with eyes and open cuts. 9478 Keep away from open naked flames -- both old and new. 9479% 9480Old King Cole 9481Was a merry old soul, 9482A merry old soul was he! 9483He called for his pipe, 9484And he called for his bowl, 9485And he fiddled with his call girls three! 9486% 9487Old McDonald had a farm, 9488E-I-E-I-O! 9489And on this farm he had some chicks, 9490E-I-E-I-O! 9491With a chick-chick here, 9492And a chick-chick there, 9493Here a chick, 9494There a chick, 9495Everywhere a chick-chick, 9496Old McDonald lost his farm 9497'Cause he had too many chicks! 9498% 9499Old mercenaries never die. They go to hell and regroup. 9500% 9501Old Mother Hubbard lived in a shoe, 9502She had so many children, 9503She didn't know what to do. 9504So she moved to Atlanta. 9505% 9506Old Mother Hubbard 9507Went to the cupboard 9508To get her poor dog a bone. 9509When she bent over, 9510Her Rover took over 9511And she got a bone of her own. 9512 -- Andrew "Dice" Clay 9513% 9514Olmstead's Law: 9515 After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. 9516% 9517On a cannibal isle near Malaysia 9518Lives a lady they call Anastasia. 9519 Not Russian elite- 9520 She's eager to eat 9521Whatever or whoever lays her. 9522% 9523On a ship wrecked far out at sea, 9524The girl said, "I can't seem to pee." 9525 "Aha!" said the mate, 9526 "That settles the fate 9527Of the captain, the pilot, and me." 9528% 9529On an isolated stretch of beach near Cannes, a beautiful French girl threw 9530herself into the sea and drowned despite a young man's attempt to save her. 9531The man dragged the half-nude body ashore and left it on the sand while he 9532went to notify the authorities. Upon his return, he was horrified to find 9533a man making love to the corpse. 9534 "Monsieur, monsieur," he shouted, "that woman is dead, 9535that woman is dead!" 9536 "Sacre bleu," exclaimed the man, springing up. 9537"I thought she was an American!" 9538% 9539On Brassieres: 9540 Russian: Uplifts the masses. 9541 Salvation Army: Raises the fallen. 9542 American: Makes mountains out of molehills. 9543% 9544On day a Monterey daughter 9545Did scuba down under the water. 9546 She later turned up 9547 The mom of a pup, 9548And they say t'was an otter that gotter. 9549% 9550On one hot dusty day in 1860, a lone Mexican bandit crossed the border into 9551Texas. After robbing a small bank and shooting up the town, he led the posse 9552on a merry chase through the desert. On the sixth day of the chase he was 9553apprehended. 9554 Sheriff-to-interpreter: "Ask him where the money is." 9555 Interpreter-to-bandit: "He wants to know where you hid the money." 9556 Bandit-to-interpreter: "I'll never tell, never!" 9557 Interpreter-to-sheriff: "He says he'll never tell, senor." 9558At this point, the sheriff loses his cool. His town has been shot up, his 9559bank robbed, he's spent a week in the desert tracking this guy, and now he 9560says he'll never tell. So he takes his pistol, jams it under the bandits' 9561chin, and, with the veins standing out on his neck, screams "Tell him to tell 9562me where the money is, or I'm gonna blow his brains all over the desert!" 9563 Interpreter-to-bandit: "He says if you don't tell him where the 9564 money is right now, he will kill you here." 9565 Bandit-to-interpreter: "Do not kill me, senor, the money is hidden 9566 under the big tree at the pass!" 9567 Interpreter-to-sheriff: "He says you ain't got the balls..." 9568% 9569On the breast of a lady named Gail, 9570Was tattooed the price of her tail. 9571 And on her behind, 9572 For the sake of the blind, 9573Was the same information -- in Braille. 9574% 9575On the porch of a dude named Horatio, 9576His girl got a yen for fellatio. 9577 As she sucked on his dingus 9578 He tried cunnilingus 9579But the cops ran 'em off of that patio. 9580% 9581Ona day Ima gonna to Detroit to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to 9582eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two piss's toast. She bringa me 9583only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss ona my plate. She says you 9584better no piss on the plate, you sonna bitch. I don't even know the lady 9585and she call me sonna bitch. Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant. 9586The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tell her I wanna 9587fock. She tells me everone wanna fock. I tell her "you no understand", I 9588wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you 9589sonna bitch. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there isa no shits ona 9590my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tella me to go 9591to the toilet. I say "you no understand", I wanna shit on the bed. He say 9592you better no shit ona bed, you sonna bitch. I go to check out and the man 9593at the desk say "peace to you". I say piss on you too, you sonna bitch. I 9594gonna back to Italy. 9595% 9596Once a woman has given you her heart you 9597can never get rid of the rest of her. 9598 -- Vanbrugh 9599% 9600Once a young gay from Khartoum 9601Took a lesbian up to his room. 9602 They argued all night 9603 Over who had the right 9604To do what, and with which, and to whom. 9605% 9606Once I belonged to a group that really had THE WORD. I fought like hell 9607for them. But another group came along and exposed the word of my group 9608as shallow and degenerate. They had a better word. So I quit the first 9609group and lost all the friends I had made and I joined up with this new 9610group. I fought like hell for them. But another group came around. They 9611exposed the word of my group as false and materialistic. Their word was 9612very much better. So I quit the second group and lost all the friends I 9613had made. And I joined up with this new group. I fought like hell for them. 9614Till this one guy came along and proved that there wasn't any word at all. 9615That I should go off as an individual and grow! So I quit the last group 9616and lost all the friends I had made. And now I sit home alone all day and 9617all I do is grow. It would be nice to join up with some others who feel 9618the way I do. 9619 -- J. Feiffer 9620% 9621Once upon a girl there was a time... 9622% 9623Once upon a time there was a farmer who had borrowed a bull to service his 9624two cows. He put all three animals on a meadow and sent little Johnny to 9625observe and report any success. A short time later, little Johnny came 9626running towards the house shouting: "Daddy, Daddy, the bull just fucked the 9627white cow!" 9628 The father took little Johnny aside and said: "Look, kid, it's 9629alright if you use that kind of language around me, but the reverend is 9630going to be visiting soon. So next time, please use another word; just 9631say that the bull "surprised" the cow." 9632 Johnny agreed and went back to observe any progress. A little 9633while later, while the preacher was talking to the farmer, little Johnny 9634came a-running again, shouting: "Daddy, Daddy!" 9635 The father, trying to avoid embarrassing the preacher, said: "I 9636know, the bull surprised the brown cow." 9637 Little Johnny replied: "He sure did, he fucked the white one again!" 9638% 9639Once upon a time there was a farmer who owned a large number of chickens and 9640made money by selling chickens to a local distributing company. The farmer 9641wanted to increase his business, and so went to market to buy another rooster. 9642"This rooster," assured the vendor, "is my best. He's virile and energetic 9643and will take care of all your chickens!" The farmer, delighted at this, 9644bought the rooster and returned to his farm. He set the rooster loose among 9645his hen houses and, sure enough, the rooster enthusiastically went to work. 9646It wasn't too long, however, before the rooster finished off all the hens and 9647began on the few geese and ducks that were on the farm. "If you keep up this 9648rate," warned the farmer, "you'll screw yourself to death!" The rooster, 9649however, scoffed at the farmer and continued at an increased speed. The next 9650morning, the farmer was doing his chores when he noticed several buzzards in 9651the sky circling over something. He headed out behind the barn, and sure 9652enough there was the rooster, flat on his back, with eyes closed. The farmer 9653shook his fist at the motionless body and cursed, shouting "I knew it! I told 9654you so! I knew you'd screw yourself to death!" The rooster turned his head 9655toward the farmer, opened one eye, and winked. "Shhh!" he said, pointing to 9656the birds above. "I think they're coming down." 9657% 9658Once upon a time there was a little girl named Little Red Riding Hood. One 9659fine morning she decided to visit her Grandmother, so she put a freshly baked 9660cake and a .357 magnum into her basket and set off through the forest. When 9661she got there, what should she find but a big black wolf in the bed, who 9662jumped up, grabbed her and snarled, "I'm going to fuck you until the sun goes 9663down." 9664 So Little Red Riding Hood whipped out the .357 and said, "Oh, no, 9665you're not! You're going to eat me just like the story says!" 9666% 9667Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to 9668fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold, 9669the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south. 9670After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to 9671earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this 9672little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure 9673warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow 9674began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the 9675chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure, 9676he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him. 9677 9678There are three morals to this story: 9679 9680(1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy. 9681(2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend. 9682(3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut. 9683% 9684Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley. He'd do pushups and 9685somersaults and limber up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around 9686on their fat asses not doing a thing. One day, one of them became curious 9687enough to ask Stanley why he exercised all day. Stanley said, 9688 "Look, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when the right 9689time comes, I am going to be that one." 9690A few days later, the all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter, and they 9691knew that it was getting to be their time to go. They were released abruptly 9692and, sure enough, there was Stanley swimming far ahead of all the others. 9693All of a sudden, Stanley stopped, turned around, and began to swim back with 9694all his might. 9695 "Go back! Go back!" he screamed. "It's a blow job!" 9696% 9697Once upon a time there were three coeds -- a big coed, a medium-sized coed, 9698and a little, tiny coed. One night they came home from a dance, and the big 9699coed said, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!" 9700 The medium-sized coed looked in her room and said, "Someone's been 9701sleeping in my bed!" 9702 And the little, tiny coed said, "Well, nighty-night, girls!" 9703% 9704Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of 9705us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of the 9706smaller prime numbers. 9707 97082: The Odd Prime -- 9709 It's the only even prime, therefore is odd. QED. 97103: The True Prime -- 9711 Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you 3 times, it's true." 971231: The Arbitrary Prime -- 9713 Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime 9714 in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91 9715 received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the 9716 next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none 9717 at all. 971841: The Female Prime -- 9719 The polynomial X**2 - X + 41 is 9720 prime for integer values from 1 to 40. 972143: The Male Prime -- they form a prime pair. 9722 9723Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities 9724are derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd 9725but true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers. 9726% 9727Once was a hooker named Gail, 9728Busted and sent-off to jail, 9729 She liked the jailer, 9730 He wanted to nail her, 9731So Gail made bail with her tail. 9732% 9733Once you come out as a Pagan bisexual married leatherdyke, 9734the rest of life is that much easier. 9735% 9736Once you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. 9737% 9738One by one the vice-presidents of a large corporation were called into the 9739boss's office. Then the junior executives were individually summoned. 9740Finally the office boy was brought in. 9741 "I want the truth, Charles," the boss bellowed. "Have you been 9742playing around with my secretary?" 9743 "N-no, sir," the office boy stammered. "I-I'd never do anything 9744like that, sir." 9745 "All right, all right," sighed the boss, "then you fire her." 9746% 9747One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country. He hopped 9748into his sportscar, wandered along the highway for a while and then exited 9749to some very rural dirt roads in the middle of farm country. After awhile, 9750he came across a farmer who clearly working his fields. The funny thing was, 9751the farmer didn't seem to be wearing any pants. The man got out of his car 9752and approached the farmer. 9753 "Hey, buddy," he asked, "how come you're not wearing any clothes?" 9754 Replied the farmer, "Well, boy, th' other day I was out a-workin' 9755in the fields, an' I plum fergot t' wear mah shirt. Got back to th' house 9756that night, and mah neck was stiffer than an oak-wood board. This here's 9757mah wife's idea." 9758% 9759One day a little polar bear cub says to his mother, "Mommy, am I really 9760a polar bear?" 9761 "Why of course you are, honey!" his mother replies. "You live at 9762the North Pole and you swim under the ice to catch fish. You play on the 9763ice floes and you romp through the snow and chase seals. Of *course* you're 9764a polar bear. Why do you ask?" 9765 "Because," says the little cub, "I'm fuckin' freezing!" 9766% 9767One day a mouse was driving along the road in his Mercedes when he heard an 9768anguished roaring noise coming from the side of the road. Stopping the car, 9769he got out and discovered a lion stuck in a deep ditch and roaring for help. 9770Reassuring the lion, the mouse tied a rope around the axle of the Mercedes, 9771threw the other end down to the lion, and pulled the beast out of the ditch. 9772The lion thanked the mouse profusely and they went their separate ways. 9773 Two months later the lion was out for a stroll in the country when 9774he heard a panicked squeaking coming from the side of the road. Investigating 9775the noise, what should he come across but the mouse stuck in the same hole. 9776"Oh, please help me, Mr. Lion," squeaked the terrified mouse. "I saved you 9777with my car once, remember?" 9778 "Course I'll help you, little fellow," roared the lion. "I'll just 9779lower my dick down to you, you hold on to it, and we'll have you out of there 9780in a jiffy." Sure enough, a few minutes later the mouse was high and dry on 9781the roadside, trying to convey his eternal gratitude to the lion. 9782 "Don't give it another thought," said the lion kindly. "It just goes 9783to show that if you've got a big dick, you don't need a Mercedes." 9784% 9785One day Adam, while wandering around the Garden of Eden, noticed that all 9786the animals seemed to come in pairs, male and female. He also noted that 9787they seemed to enjoy being together a lot. So, he went to his special 9788place and reported to God what he'd noticed. 9789 God, understanding his need, said, "Adam, the time has come for me 9790to provide you with a mate. Go lie down and when you have fallen asleep, I 9791will create your mate." 9792 So Adam wandered off, found a nice patch of soft grass and fell 9793asleep. Some time later he awoke, possibly due to a bit of pain in his 9794ribs, possibly because of the gorgeous woman leaning over him. Remembering 9795the animals he'd seen having such fun, he immediately reached for her. 9796Pretty soon Adam's back at his special place. 9797 "God?" 9798 "Yes, Adam, what now?" 9799 "God, what's a headache?" 9800% 9801One day Father O'Malley was walking through the park when he came upon an 9802enchanting scene. A beautiful little girl with long blond hair, deep blue 9803eyes, and a dainty white dress was reading under a tree with her adorable 9804little dog. 9805 What a lovely picture, thought the Father to himself. Walking over, 9806he asked, "Child, what is your name?" 9807 "Blossom," she replied. 9808 "What a fitting name," exclaimed Father O'Malley. "And how did your 9809parents come to choose such a pretty name?" 9810 "Well, one day when I was still in my mommy's tummy she was lying 9811under this very tree when a blossom fell and landed on her stomach. She 9812thought it was a message from God and decided that I would be a girl and my 9813name would be Blossom," explained the little girl sweetly. 9814 How charming, thought the priest. He started to say good-bye and 9815walk away, then turned back. "And the name of your little dog?" he 9816inquired. 9817 "Porky," was the child's reply. 9818 Again he asked her how the unusual name had been chosen. 9819 "Because he likes to fuck pigs." 9820% 9821One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most 9822gorgeous blond Chinese girl... I sat beside her... I said "Hi," and she 9823said "Hi," and then I said "Nice day, isn't it," and she said "Yeah, I 9824guess"... I said "What do you mean 'you guess'?"... she said "I saw my 9825analyst today and he says I have a problem."... so I asked "What's the 9826problem?"... she replied "I can't tell you, I don't even know you."... 9827I said "Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect 9828stranger on a bus." So she said, "Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac 9829and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Diane." I said, 9830"Hello, Diane, my name is Bucky Goldstein." 9831 -- Steven Wright 9832% 9833One day, in a bar, a young man walks in with a little dwarf about one foot 9834tall on his shoulder and orders a beer. The bartender serves the man a beer; 9835to his astonishment, the little guy walks down the man's arm, takes a swallow 9836of the brew and spits it in his face. After a few minutes the customer 9837orders another beer and the exact same thing happens. Well, by this time, 9838the bartender is getting pretty upset; he figures that the man should take 9839care of the dwarf. So he asks the guy, "Why are you letting that guy drink 9840all your beer and spit it in my face?" 9841 "Well, sir, when I was on a contract in Saudi Arabia I met this genie 9842and he granted me three wishes. I asked for a million dollars, the most 9843beautiful woman in the world, and a twelve-inch prick. 9844% 9845One day on a busy street corner a huge, burly looking man walked up to a police 9846officer and asks, "Thcuse me offither, can you tell me where thidee-thid, and 9847thacramento ith?" 9848 The police officer didn't reply at all, but just looked away. 9849 The large man then asked again, but still no reply. After a few more 9850attempts which the police officer studiously ignored, the frustrated man 9851walked away. An onlooking pedestrian then walked up to the officer and asked, 9852"Officer, why didn't you tell that man where thirty-third and Sacramento was?" The police officer replied, 9853 "Thure, thure, and dit the thit ticked out of me!" 9854% 9855One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout 9856were flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of 9857nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down. 9858Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four 9859passengers! Andropov grabbed one of the parachutes and declared 9860"Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must 9861be spared," and he jumped out of the plane. Then Reagan exclaimed "As 9862leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for 9863democracy," and with that he too jumped to safety. Now if you are 9864following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that 9865there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The 9866Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and 9867productive life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's 9868hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but 9869there is no need. Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack." 9870% 9871One evening a guru had coitus 9872With an actress, a whore and a poetess. 9873 When asked what position 9874 He used for coition, 9875He answered serenely, "the lotus." 9876% 9877One fall day, two men were out in the woods hunting. Feeling a sudden need 9878to relieve himself, George went over to a nearby clump of bushes, unzipped 9879his fly, and started in when a poisonous snake lunged out of the bushes and 9880bit him on his penis. Hearing George's howl of pain and fright, his friend 9881Fred came running up and told him to lie still while he used the radio to 9882call a doctor. 9883 "There's only one way to save your friend's life," said the doctor 9884gravely. "If you cut a shallow 'X' over the bite and then suck as much of 9885the poison out as you can, he'll probably be okay, but otherwise there's not 9886much hope." 9887 Hearing Fred's footsteps, George rose weakly up on one elbow and 9888cried out, "Fred, what'd he say? What did the doctor say?" 9889 "George, old friend," said Fred sadly, "he said you're gonna die." 9890% 9891One hundred and one uses for canned peaches. 9892One hundred and two if you plan to eat them. 9893% 9894One man's nightmare is another man's wet dream. 9895% 9896One morning after an evening of particularly heavy drinking, a man awoke 9897and upon rolling over in bed saw one of the ugliest women he had ever 9898seen. As he was about to get out of bed, he looked on the floor and saw 9899another woman even less appealing than the first. Seeing his look of 9900wide-eyed amazement, the woman on the floor snapped, "Don't look at me 9901like that, I was only the bridesmaid." 9902% 9903One night a girl had an affair 9904With a fellow all covered with hair. 9905 His enormous red whang 9906 Gave her a wonderful bang -- 9907She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear. 9908% 9909One night a girl had an affair 9910With a fellow all covered with hair. 9911 Then she picked up his hat 9912 And realized that 9913She'd been had by Smokey the Bear. 9914% 9915One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity 9916to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka. 9917 "The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing, 9918put on one of the ties his mother had brought him, and hurried back. "Look, 9919Mama! Isn't it gorgeous?" 9920 "Mama asked, 'What's the matter? You don't like the other one?'" 9921 -- Leo Rosten, "Hooray For Yiddish" 9922% 9923One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives 9924accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable 9925testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to 9926all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they 9927enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, 9928 "What trip?" 9929% 9930One of the first things school children in Texas learn is how to 9931compose a simple declarative sentence without the word "shit" in it. 9932% 9933One of the most expensive things in life 9934is a girl who is free for the evening. 9935% 9936One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God create 9937goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "somebody has to buy retail." 9938 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 9939% 9940One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. 9941He was good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the 9942following Sunday. 9943 "9:30 okay?" 9944 "Fine," George said, "but I may be a few minutes late." 9945The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that, he played 9946left-handed and beat them. They agreed to meet the following Sunday morning. 9947George was eager to come, but again, mentioned that he might be a few minutes 9948late. The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he 9949played right-handed and beat them again. 9950 "You on for next Sunday, George?" one of the foursome asked. 9951 "Sure," George replied, "but I might be a few..." 9952 Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute... You always say you might 9953be late, but you're always right on time, and you always win, left-handed 9954*or* right-handed." 9955 "Well," George replied, rather sheepishly, "that's true, but see, I'm 9956superstitious. If my wife is sleeping on her right, when I wake up, I play 9957right handed. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left handed." 9958 "What if she's lying on her back?" 9959 George said, "That's when I'm late." 9960% 9961One should be cherry of virgins. 9962% 9963One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists. But it has 9964occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist. 9965 -- Jane Wagner, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent 9966 Life in the Universe" 9967% 9968One, two, three, four 9969What are we fighting for? 9970Don't ask me I don't give a damn. 9971Next stop is Vietnam. 9972Five, six, seven, eight 9973Open up the pearly gates. 9974Ain't no time to wonder why 9975Whoopie! We're all going to die. 9976 -- Country Joe and the Fish 9977% 9978One who does not know a burro from a burrow does not know 9979his ass from a hole in the ground! 9980% 9981Ooooooh, nooooooo, not tonite!! 9982% 9983Ooops. Gotta run. My dog wants sex. Later. 9984% 9985Operators mount anything! 9986% 9987Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to 9988look at the other guy's. 9989 -- Hal Hickman 9990% 9991OPTIMIST: 9992 A man who makes a motel reservation before a blind date. 9993% 9994ORAL CONTRACEPTIVE: 9995 The word "No". 9996% 9997Oral sex, n.: 9998 The taste of things to come. 9999% 10000O'Riordan's Theorem: 10001 Brains x Beauty = Constant. 10002 10003Purmal's Corollary: 10004 As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity, 10005availability goes to zero. 10006% 10007Other people don't give you orgasms; you have them, and they help you 10008cash them in. 10009% 10010Ouch mosquito, silent by night, 10011Why pierce my skin, so white? 10012You grow plump, as a leech. 10013Stop! I beseech (in vein). 10014 10015I have no choice. 10016Why waste my voice, 10017When only a slap will do? 10018Ouch, I am bitten! 10019What ho, you are smitten! 10020Yo mosquito, fuck you. 10021 -- Mitchell Peck, "Ouch, Mosquito" 10022% 10023Our readers ask, "Why don't more WASPs go to orgies?" Well, it's really 10024quite simple. They don't want to have to write all those thank-you notes. 10025% 10026Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where 10027the maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to 10028help out in case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second 10029basewoman is a pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, 10030but there's no way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere 10031near her, a male comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal 10032with it. She's been on the team for three seasons now, but the males 10033still don't trust her. They know, deep in their souls, that if she had 10034to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she 10035probably would elect to save the infant's life, without ever 10036considering whether there were men on base. 10037 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" 10038% 10039Our staff proctologist, Dr. Barr, 10040Has invented a new kind of car. 10041 With a tank full of shit 10042 There's no stopping it -- 10043For short trips, two poots take you far. 10044% 10045Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding, 10046In all of the directions it can whiz; 10047As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know, 10048Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is. 10049So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure, 10050How amazingly unlikely is your birth; 10051And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space, 10052'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth! 10053 -- Monty Python, "The Meaning of Life" 10054% 10055Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, 10056 "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and load your camels, 10057and I will lead you to the promised land." 10058 Not too long ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on 10059your asses, light a Camel, this is the promised land." 10060 Now Nixon is stealing your shovels, kicking your asses, raising 10061the price of Camels, and mortgaging the promised land. 10062% 10063Painters do it with even strokes. 10064% 10065Pardon me, sir, but you've obviously 10066mistaken me for someone who gives a shit. 10067% 10068Passion is that funny feeling that drives a man to 10069bite a woman's neck because she has beautiful legs. 10070% 10071Paying alimony is like pumping gas into another man's car. 10072% 10073Pee-wee Recommends: 10074 10075When Pee-wee Herman was arrested that evening in Sarasota, Florida, 10076the bill at the XXX South Trail Cinema featured: 10077 10078 + Nurse Nancy, starring Sandra Scream 10079 + Turn Up the Heat, starring Savannah 10080 + Tiger Shark, starring Raven 10081% 10082Penis envy, n.: 10083 The desire to be pink and wrinkled and about four inches long. 10084% 10085People humiliating a salami! 10086% 10087People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world 10088citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time. 10089 -- Norman Cousins 10090% 10091People who live in glass houses should ball in the basement. 10092% 10093People will swim through shit if you put a few bob in it. 10094 -- Peter Sellers 10095% 10096Perhaps at fourteen every boy should be in love with some ideal woman to put 10097on a pedestal and worship. As he grows up, of course, he will put her on 10098a pedestal the better to view her legs. 10099 -- Barry Norman, in "The Listener" 10100% 10101Perplexed, a shy virgin named Plummer 10102Asked, "what's there to do in the summer?" 10103 She declined and declined 10104 Till approached from behind... 10105When her summer turned out quite a bummer! 10106% 10107Persistence, like perspiration, is 99 percent of the fine art of love. 10108% 10109Philadelphia flying fuck, n.: 10110 Okay, see, he hangs from a chin-up bar with his feet on the arms 10111 of the rocking chair. She crouches in the rocking chair pleasuring 10112 him orally. 10113 10114 [Note: Personally, we've never tried this. If you have, or if 10115 you do, please inform us of the results at Fortune, Box 1597, 10116 Rockville IL. Thank you. Ed.] 10117% 10118Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex. 10119 -- Karl Marx 10120% 10121Physicists do it with charm. 10122% 10123Picking up a man in a bar is like a snowstorm, you never know when 10124he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he'll stay. 10125% 10126Pile driver, n.: 10127 Local drink; two parts vodka, one part prune juice. 10128% 10129Planned Parenthood: 10130 The emission Control Center. 10131% 10132Playing poker with busty Ms. Ware, 10133He announced as he folded with flair, 10134 "I had four of a kind, 10135 But those aces combined, 10136Don't stack up, I'm afraid, with your pair." 10137% 10138Pocket pool, n.: 10139 Well, for guys, it's two-ball in the side pocket. 10140 For women, it's playing the slots. 10141% 10142Polish fly, n.: 10143 You put it in her drink and she begs you to take her bowling. 10144% 10145Politicians do it to everyone. 10146% 10147Pompoir: The most sought-after feminine sexual response of all. 10148 10149'She must... close and constrict the Yoni until it holds the Lingam as with 10150a finger, opening and shutting at her pleasure, and finally acting as the 10151hand of the Gopala-girl who milks the cow. This can be learned only by long 10152practice, and especially by throwing the will into the part affected, even 10153as men endeavor to sharpen their hearing... Her husband will then value her 10154above all other women, nor would he exchange her for the most beautiful 10155queen in the Three Worlds... Among some races the constrictor vaginae muscles 10156are abnormally developed. In Abyssinia for instance, a woman can so exert 10157them as to cause pain to a man, and when sitting on his thighs, she can 10158induce orgasm without moving any other part of her person. Such an artist 10159is called by the Arabs Kabbazah, literally, a holder, and it's not surprising 10160that slave dealers pay large sums for her' Thus Richard Burton. It has 10161nothing to do with 'race' but a lot to do with practice. See exercises. 10162 -- The Joy of Sex 10163% 10164Poor Alice who lived in Corvallis 10165Had heard of, but not seen, the male phallus. 10166 At her first sight of one 10167 She started to run, 10168And last was seen sprinting through Dallas. 10169% 10170Posterity will ne'er survey 10171A nobler grave than this; 10172Here lie the bones of Castlereagh; 10173Stop, traveler, and piss. 10174 -- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh 10175% 10176Postulate #1: Nothing is better than sex. 10177Postulate #2: Masturbation is better than nothing. 10178Conclusion: Masturbation is better than sex. 10179% 10180Pour guerir un acces de fievre 10181Un jeune homme poursuivit un lievre; 10182 Il le prit a son trou, 10183 Et fit faire un ragout 10184Des entrailles et des pattes au genievre. 10185 -- Edward Gorey 10186% 10187Pouring out his troubles to his best friend over a couple of triple martinis, 10188Brad had to confess that things weren't going too well at home. "My wife and 10189I just don't hit it off at night," he was saying to Bart. "I hate to admit 10190it, but I'm afraid I just don't know how to make her happy." 10191 "Hell, boy," said Bart, "there's really nothing to it. Let me 10192give you some advice. At bedtime, switch on a new Sinatra platter, turn 10193all the lights low and spray some perfume around the room. Next, tell 10194your wife to get into her sheerest nightie; then make sure you raise the 10195bottom window." 10196 "Then what do I do?" asked Brad. 10197 "Just whistle." 10198 "Whistle?" 10199 "That's right. I'll be waiting outside the window. When I hear 10200you whistle, I'll come right up and finish the job." 10201% 10202Pregnancy -- the worst sexually transmitted disease of them all. 10203% 10204Pregnancy begins with a single sell. 10205% 10206Premature ejaculation, n.: 10207 A spoilspurt. 10208% 10209Premature ejaculator, n.: 10210 Troubled shooter. 10211% 10212Premenstrual Syndrome: 10213 Just before their periods women behave the way men do all the time. 10214% 10215Prince Absalom lay with his sister 10216And bundled and nibbled and kissed her, 10217 But the kid was so tight, 10218 And it was deep night -- 10219Though he shot at the target, he missed her. 10220% 10221Printers do it without wrinkling the sheets. 10222% 10223Prior to this year's Rock & Roll Hall of Fame ceremony, [Cash] went to 10224the bathroom. "I was standing at the urinal, and Keith Richards walked 10225in... He said, 'Look at this, I'm pissing with Johnny Cash. We need a 10226picture of this.' I said, 'No, Keith, we *don't* need a picture of this.'" 10227 -- Rolling Stone interview with Johnny Cash 10228% 10229Procrastinators do it tomorrow. 10230% 10231Programmers get overlaid. 10232% 10233PROMOTION: 10234 New title, new salary, new office, same old crap. 10235% 10236Prope mare erat tubulator 10237Qui virginem ingrediebatur. 10238 Dessine ingressus 10239 Audivi progressus: 10240Est mihi inquit tubulator. 10241% 10242Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and 10243still come out ahead. 10244% 10245Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. 10246Check three friends. If they're okay, you're it. 10247% 10248Psychiatry is quite similar to prostitution, only less honest. They 10249both promise to make people feel better, but the prostitute doesn't 10250make pretensions that the feelings will last once the client walks 10251out the door. 10252% 10253Pubic hair, n.: 10254 Organic dental floss. 10255% 10256Puff the Jewish dragon lived in Palestine, 10257And frolicked in the Autumn mist, 10258And drank Manishiewitz wine. 10259Little Rabbi Jacob loved that rascal Puff, 10260And brought him soup and Matzah balls, 10261And other kosher stuff. 10262 10263Then one day it happened, Puff was eating pork. 10264Little Rabbi Jacob took that dragon for a walk. 10265Gently he explained that dragons don't eat meat, 10266That come from little piggies who have dirty filthy feet. 10267% 10268Q: Do you know how to tell a Polack at a cockfight? 10269A: He's the only one with a duck. 10270 10271Q: Do you know how to tell an Aggie at a cockfight? 10272A: He's the only one who bets on the duck. 10273 10274Q: And do you know how to tell the Mafia is at the cockfight? 10275A: The duck wins! 10276% 10277Q: Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz? 10278A: No, but I bet it hurts like hell. 10279% 10280Q: Heard about the <ethnic> who couldn't spell? 10281A: He spent the night in a warehouse. 10282% 10283Q: How can a real man tell when his girl friend's having an orgasm. 10284A: Real men don't care. 10285% 10286Q: How can you tell if a woman is ticklish? 10287A: Give her a couple of test tickles. 10288% 10289Q: How can you tell the bride at a WASP wedding? 10290A: She's the one kissing the golden retriever. 10291% 10292Q: How can you tell when a Polish girl's been sucking cock? 10293A: She has a mouthful of feathers. 10294% 10295Q: How can you tell when a WASP is sexually aroused? 10296A: By the stiff upper lip. 10297% 10298Q: How can you tell when your girlfriend has had an orgasm? 10299A: Who cares? 10300% 10301Q: How did Hellen Keller burn the side of her face? 10302A: She answered the iron. 10303 10304Q: How did she burn the other side of her face? 10305A: They called back. 10306% 10307Q: How do you fit 1000 dead babies into a phone booth? 10308A: Cusinart. 10309 10310Q: How do you get them back out? 10311A: Doritos. 10312% 10313Q: How do you get a woman to stop having sex with you? 10314A: Propose. 10315% 10316Q: How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree? 10317A: Paint his balls red and his toenails green. 10318 10319Q: Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree? 10320A: No -- so it must work pretty well! 10321 10322Q: How did Tarzan die? 10323A: Picking cherries!!! 10324% 10325Q: How do you know when it's time to wash the dishes? 10326A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time. 10327% 10328Q: How do you know your elephant had her period? 10329A: There's a nickel on your dresser and your mattress is missing. 10330% 10331Q: How do you make a dead baby float? 10332A: With 2 scoops of dead baby and some rootbeer. 10333% 10334Q: How do you pick up a quarter off of Polk Street? 10335A: Kick it over to Van Ness. 10336% 10337Q: How do you tell if an elephant has been making love in your 10338 backyard? 10339A: If all your trashcan liners are missing ... 10340% 10341Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, 10342 or an airline stewardess? 10343A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." 10344 A schoolteacher says: "We're just going to have to do this over 10345 and over again until we get it right." 10346 An airline stewardess says: "Hold this over your mouth and 10347 nose, and breathe normally." 10348 10349... and bank tellers say "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal." 10350... and saleswomen say "Thank you, come again soon!" 10351... and WASPs say "Do you have that in a bigger size?" 10352... and piano teachers say "Keep those fingers arched! TEMPO! TEMPO!" 10353% 10354Q: How do you tell that your roommate's gay? 10355A: When his cock tastes like shit. 10356% 10357Q: How does a girl know she's sleeping with a Computer Scientist? 10358A: It isn't hard. 10359% 10360Q: How does a mink get babies? 10361A: The same way babies get minks. 10362% 10363Q: How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American? 10364A: Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of 10365 speech, but under the United States constitution they are 10366 guaranteed freedom after speech. 10367 -- being told in Poland, 1987 10368% 10369Q: How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo? 10370A: Three, one to eat it, and two to watch for traffic. 10371% 10372Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? 10373A: Three, but they're really only one. 10374% 10375Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10376A: NONE! AND THAT'S NOT FUNNY!! 10377 10378Q: How many Radcliffe girls does it take to change a light bulb? 10379A: It's "Women"... AND IT'S NOT FUNNY!! 10380% 10381Q: How many gradual (sorry, that's supposed to be "graduate") students 10382 does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10383A: "I'm afraid we don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my 10384 advisor a $30,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he 10385 can tell me how to do the shit work for him so he can take the 10386 credit for answering this incredibly vital question." 10387% 10388Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10389A: Ten. One to do it, and nine to talk about how gratifying it was 10390 without a man. 10391% 10392Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would 10393 Cheetah be? 10394A: A fur coat. 10395% 10396Q: What can you use used tampons for? 10397A: Tea bags for vampires. 10398% 10399Q: What did Jesus tell the Aggies? 10400A: Play dumb until the second coming. 10401% 10402Q: What did the little ghetto-dweller get for Christmas? 10403A: Your bicycle. 10404% 10405Q: What do a walrus and a tupperware container have in common? 10406A: They both like a tight seal. 10407% 10408Q: What do elephants use instead of tampons? 10409A: Sheep. Well, they used to, anyway. There have been so many cases 10410 of Toxic Flock Syndrome recently that their ewes has been discouraged. 10411 10412Q: Why do elephants have trunks? 10413A: Sheep don't have strings. 10414% 10415Q: What do two WASPs say after making love? 10416A: Thank you very much. It'll never happen again. 10417% 10418Q: What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadriplegic Virginian? 10419A: Trustworthy. 10420% 10421Q: What do you call a nun who has had a sex change operation? 10422A: A transistor. 10423% 10424Q: What do you call a truck load of vibrators? 10425A: Toys for twats. 10426% 10427Q: What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through 50 feet 10428 of garden hose? 10429A: Darling. 10430 [Often? Ed.] 10431% 10432Q: What do you call couples that use that rhythm method? 10433A: Parents. 10434% 10435Q: What do you do if an Irishman throws a pin at you? 10436A: Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!! 10437% 10438Q: What do you get when you cross a computer and a JAP? 10439A: A computer that won't go down. 10440% 10441Q: What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a prostitute? 10442A: Your last blowjob. 10443% 10444Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole? 10445A: A thirty foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone! 10446% 10447Q: What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey? 10448A: Well, most of the time you get an onion with big ears, but every 10449 once in a while you get a piece of ass that will bring tears to 10450 your eyes... 10451% 10452Q: What do you have if you have a moth ball in one hand and a 10453 moth ball in the other hand? 10454A: One hell of a big moth! 10455% 10456Q: What do you say to a New Yorker with a job? 10457A: Big Mac, fries and a Coke, please! 10458% 10459Q: What do you say to a Puerto Rican in a three-piece suit? 10460A: Will the defendant please rise? 10461% 10462Q: What does friendship among Soviet nationalities mean? 10463A: It means that the Armenians take the Russians by the hand; the 10464 Russians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukrainians take 10465 the Uzbeks by the hand; and they all go and beat up the Jews. 10466% 10467Q: What goes 10468 Click. "Did I get it?" 10469 Click. "Did I get it?" 10470 Click. "Did I get it?" 10471 Click. "Did I get it?" 10472A: Stevie Wonder doing the Rubik's Cube. 10473% 10474Q: What goes green, red, green, red, pink, pink, pink? 10475A: A frog in a blender. 10476 10477Q: What do you get if you add 2 eggs to it?? 10478A: Frognogg. If you drink it, you croak. 10479% 10480Q: What goes red, white, red, white, pink, pink, pink? 10481A: Baby in a blender. 10482 10483Q: Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first? 10484A: So you can watch the expression on its little face. 10485% 10486Q: What is green and comes in Brownies? 10487A: Boy Scouts. 10488% 10489Q: What is "SMOORPLAY"? 10490A: It's what SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course! 10491% 10492Q: What is the difference between snow-men and snow-women? 10493A: Snowballs! 10494% 10495Q: What's a JAP's (Jewish American Princess) dream house? 10496A: Fourteen rooms in Scarsdale, no kitchen, no bedroom. 10497% 10498Q: What's a WASP's idea of open-mindedness? 10499A: Dating a Canadian. 10500% 10501Q: What's black and white and red all over and can't go through 10502 revolving doors? 10503A: A nun with a javelin through her head. 10504% 10505Q: What's black and white and red all over? 10506A: Half a nun. 10507% 10508Q: What's buried in Grant's tomb? 10509A: A corpse. 10510% 10511Q: What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out? 10512A: Chewing gum. 10513% 10514Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots? 10515A: Bunny farts. 10516% 10517Q: What's meaner than a pit bull with AIDS? 10518A: The guy that gave it to him. 10519% 10520Q: What's more fearsome than a grizzly bear with AIDS? 10521A: The guy he got it from. 10522% 10523Q: What's red and covered with little dents? 10524A: Snow White's cherry. 10525% 10526Q: What's the contour integral around Western Europe? 10527A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe! 10528 10529Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they 10530 are removable! 10531 10532Q: An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his 10533 very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God? 10534A: Yes, up to isomorphism! 10535 10536Q: What is a compact city? 10537A: It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted 10538 policemen! 10539 -- Peter Lax 10540% 10541Q: What's the difference between a cocker spaniel and a doberman 10542 pinscher humping your leg? 10543A: You let the doberman finish. 10544% 10545Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox? 10546A: About four drinks. 10547% 10548Q: What's the difference between a Fairy Tale, and a War Story? 10549A: Nothing, except Fairy Tales start off with "Once upon a time". 10550 War Stories start off with "No shit, this really happened". 10551 10552 [I thought Fairy Tales started off, "Honey, I'm gonna be at the 10553 office a little late, tonight... Ed.] 10554% 10555Q: What's the difference between a JAP and a baby elephant? 10556A: About 10 pounds. 10557 10558Q: How do you make them the same? 10559A: Force feed the elephant. 10560% 10561Q: What's the difference between a man and a toilet? 10562A: A toilet doesn't follow you around for a week after you flush it. 10563% 10564Q: What's the difference between a man and the weekend? 10565A: The weekend never comes too soon. 10566% 10567Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a fast car? 10568A: Not everyone's been in a fast car. 10569% 10570Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky? 10571A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use 10572 the whole bird. 10573% 10574Q: What's the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon 10575 and Ronald Reagan? 10576A: One always told the truth, one always lied, and one can't tell the 10577 difference. 10578% 10579Q: What's the difference between hard and dark? 10580A: It stays dark all night. 10581% 10582Q: What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's? 10583A: In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd 10584 like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers, 10585 "and some cigarettes." 10586% 10587Q: What's the last thing that goes through a grasshopper's mind when 10588 he hits your windshield? 10589A: His ass. 10590 10591Q: What's the second-to-last thing to go through a grasshopper's 10592 mind when he hits your windshield? 10593A: Oh, SHIT!! 10594% 10595Q: What's white and crawls up your leg? 10596A: Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice. 10597% 10598Q: What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? 10599A: Getting fingered by Captain Hook! 10600% 10601Q: Where does Catwoman go for a good time? 10602A: To the batpoles, Robin! 10603% 10604Q: Why are babies born with soft spots on their heads? 10605A: So you can pick 'em up five at a time. 10606% 10607Q: Why are Unix emulators like your right hand? 10608A: They're just pussy substitutes! 10609% 10610Q: Why can't Hellen Keller have children? 10611A: Because she's dead. 10612% 10613Q: Why did Captain Kirk piss on the bridge? 10614A: He wanted to boldly go where no man had gone before! 10615% 10616Q: Why did God invent booze? 10617A: So ugly men could get laid too. 10618% 10619Q: Why did Hellen Keller go all the way on her first date? 10620A: She'd never been taught to say no. 10621% 10622Q: Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon? 10623A: To impress Jodie Foster. 10624% 10625Q: Why did Ted Kennedy report the accident 8 hours after Mary 10626 Jo Kopechne drowned? 10627A: Do you have any idea how hard it is to dress a woman underwater? 10628% 10629Q: Why do dogs lick their private parts? 10630A: Because they can. 10631% 10632Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet? 10633A: To stamp out forest fires. 10634 10635Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet? 10636A: To stamp out flaming ducks. 10637% 10638Q: Why do men die before their wives? 10639A: They want to. 10640% 10641Q: Why do men marry women? 10642A: You can't teach sheep to do housework. 10643% 10644Q: Why do mice have such small balls? 10645A: Very few of them know how to dance! 10646% 10647Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? 10648A: Because a sheep can hear the sound of a zipper from fifty feet away. 10649 -- Iain MacKintosh, Glasgow folksinger 10650% 10651Q: Why do WASPs play golf? 10652A: So they can dress like pimps. 10653% 10654Q: Why do women have vaginas? 10655A: So when they're drunk, you can carry them like a six-pack. 10656% 10657Q: Why do women love Pacman? 10658A: Only place you can get eaten three times for a quarter. 10659% 10660Q: Why does an elephant have 4 feet? 10661A: Because 8 inches isn't enough. 10662% 10663Q: Why don't blind people skydive? 10664A: It scares the dogs! 10665 10666Q: How can a blind skydiver tell when he is near the ground? 10667A: The leash goes slack. 10668% 10669Q: Why is it that Mexico isn't sending anyone to the '84 summer games? 10670A: Anyone in Mexico who can run, swim or jump is already in LA. 10671% 10672Q: Why is Poland just like the United States? 10673A: In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in 10674 Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever 10675 you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland. 10676 -- being told in Poland, 1987 10677% 10678Q: Why is Sister Pat the way she is? 10679A: Because when she was 16, a group of boys tied her up and 10680 gang-rejected her. 10681% 10682Q: Why was Cinderella banished from the Magic Kingdom? 10683A: For sitting on Pinocchio's face and screaming, "Tell the truth! 10684 Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie!" 10685% 10686Q: What's the difference between VMS and PMS? 10687 10688A1: PMS is only a problem for some people. 10689A2: PMS is only a problem for part of the month. 10690A3: The drugstore has remedies for PMS. 10691A4: People with PMS get sympathy. 10692A5: People with PMS don't wish they were UNIX. 10693% 10694Q: How do you play religious roulette? 10695A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck 10696 by lightning first. 10697% 10698Q: How do you tell if an elephant has been making love in your 10699 backyard? 10700A: If all your trashcan liners are missing ... 10701% 10702Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, 10703 or an airline stewardess? 10704A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says: 10705 "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it 10706 right." An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your 10707 mouth and nose, and breath normally." 10708% 10709Q: How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb? 10710A: Two. One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the 10711 screwing began. 10712% 10713Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? 10714A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. 10715% 10716Q: How much money do you give to a 900 foot Jesus? 10717A: As much as he wants. 10718% 10719Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah 10720 be? 10721A: A fur coat. 10722% 10723Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls? 10724A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino. 10725% 10726Q: What do you get when you cross James Dean with Ronald Reagan? 10727A: A rebel without a clue. 10728% 10729Q: What is "SMOORPLAY"? 10730A: It's what SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course! 10731% 10732Q: What is the worst story Helen Keller ever read? 10733A: A cheese grater. 10734% 10735Q: What's Jewish foreplay? 10736A: Two hours of begging. 10737% 10738Q: Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep? 10739A: Fredrick's of Ithaca, New York. 10740% 10741Q: Where does virgin wool come from? 10742A: Ugly sheep. 10743% 10744Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? 10745A: So she can moan with the other! 10746% 10747Q: What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night? 10748A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog. 10749% 10750Q: What's the difference between a hold-up and a stick-up? 10751A: Age. 10752% 10753Q: What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? 10754A: The taste. 10755% 10756Q: What's the difference between "Oooh" and "Aaah"? 10757A: About three inches. 10758% 10759Q: Why did the epileptic cross the road? 10760A: He couldn't help it. 10761 10762Q: What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub? 10763A: Throw in the dirty clothes and some laundry detergent. 10764% 10765Q: Why do dogs lick their balls? 10766A: 'Cause they can! 10767 10768(Real answer: 'Cause they can't curl their little paws into fists...) 10769% 10770Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet? 10771A: So they can jump into trees and rape mice. 10772 10773Q: What is the most fearsome sound in the world to a mouse? 10774A: BOING!! BOING!! BOING!! 10775% 10776QOTD: 10777 "... was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort-of 10778 Sun-God robes, on a pyramid, with a thousand naked women screaming 10779 and throwing little pickles at you? ... Why am I the only one 10780 who has that dream?" 10781% 10782QOTD: 10783 "Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?" 10784% 10785QOTD: 10786 "Do you smell something burning or is it me?" 10787 -- Joan of Arc 10788% 10789QOTD: 10790 "Even the Statue of Liberty shaves her pits." 10791% 10792QOTD: 10793 "He's on the same bus, but he's sure as hell got a different 10794 ticket." 10795% 10796QOTD: 10797 "He's so egotistical he yells his own name when he comes." 10798% 10799QOTD: 10800 "I don't give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut." 10801% 10802QOTD: 10803 "I get girls because of who I am... a rapist." 10804% 10805QOTD: 10806 "I met her [his fiance] over lunch on Thursday. She had a firm 10807 grip. He's a lucky man." 10808% 10809QOTD: 10810 "I never met a man I couldn't drink handsome." 10811% 10812QOTD: 10813 "I own my own body, but I share." 10814% 10815QOTD: 10816 "I say, and without apology, hang the bitch." 10817% 10818QOTD: 10819 "I used to beat off so much in the shower, I'd get a hard on every 10820 time it rained." 10821% 10822QOTD: 10823 "I was a fifty-four-year-old virgin, but I'm all right now." 10824% 10825QOTD: 10826 "I won't say he's unsavory, but for his birthday he bought himself 10827 a pair of velcro gloves." 10828% 10829QOTD: 10830 "I'd crawl a mile over burning desert sand just to kiss the dick of 10831 the guy who screwed her last." 10832% 10833QOTD: 10834 "I'd drag my dick a mile over broken glass just to masturbate in 10835 her shadow!" 10836% 10837QOTD: 10838 It *was* wonderfully polite of me. Usually I call the kind of 10839 cretinous dipshit that pisses me off a ``fucking asshole.'' 10840 -- Richard Sexton 10841% 10842QOTD: 10843 "It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten 10844 who gets tied up." 10845% 10846QOTD: 10847 "Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing!" 10848% 10849QOTD: 10850 "Men come in four sizes -- small, medium, large, and 'You're 10851 going to put that thing *where*?'" 10852% 10853QOTD: 10854 "My penis is better than corn, because corn doesn't squeal when 10855 you stick those little prongs into it." 10856 -- Mark-Jason Dominus 10857% 10858QOTD: 10859 "No, honey, I've never been circumsized; 10860 it's simply wear and tear." 10861% 10862QOTD: 10863 "One day, I'd like to wake up in the morning to find that every 10864 gay and lesbian has lavender skin. On that morning, I will be 10865 -- mauve." 10866% 10867QOTD: 10868 "Sex is like everything else. To get it done right, do it yourself." 10869% 10870QOTD: 10871 "She began coming, making noises like a small animal in pain. 10872 Ouch! Ow! My paw! Ouch!!" 10873% 10874QOTD: 10875 "She was so tough she rolled her own tampons." 10876% 10877QOTD: 10878 "Talk about willing people... over half of them are willing to work 10879 and the others are more than willing to watch them." 10880% 10881QOTD: 10882 "The difference between dark and hard is... it stays dark 10883 all night." 10884% 10885QOTD: 10886 "The marines and I have something in common; we're both looking for 10887 a few good men!" 10888% 10889QOTD: 10890 "The only real difference between men and women is that men are 10891 crabby all month long." 10892% 10893QOTD: 10894 "Well, let's say she's friendly. Last year she was the Herpes 10895 Poster Girl." 10896% 10897QOTD: 10898 "What would the world be like without men? A lot of fat, 10899 happy women." 10900% 10901QOTD: 10902 "When she hauled ass, it took three trips." 10903% 10904QOTD: 10905 "Whhoooooooeeeeeeeeeee, Elmer! Take a look at that purty young lady 10906 over thar! Why, I'd walk a mile barefoot over barbed wire and broken 10907 glass just to drive the truck that takes her panties to the cleaners!" 10908% 10909QOTD: 10910 "Whip me, beat me, come all over me, tell me you love me. 10911 Then get the fuck out." 10912% 10913QOTD: 10914 "You might as well say "yes", the sheets are messy already." 10915% 10916Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in 10917exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must 10918devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate 10919from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to 10920Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are 10921weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be 10922reached for comment, but we chose not to listen. 10923 -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live" 10924% 10925Quickie, n.: 10926 A moment's piece. 10927% 10928Quickie, n.: 10929 No sooner spread than done. 10930% 10931Ralph: Lisa, you have no tits and an awful tight pussy. 10932Lisa: Ralph... get off my back!! 10933% 10934Randel, n.: 10935 A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology 10936for farting at a friend. 10937 -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and 10938 Preposterous Words 10939% 10940Raquel Welch: 36-24-36 10941Bo Derek: 35-24-36 10942Ann-Margaret: 37-25-36 10943Bette Middler: 37-25-36 10944Marilyn Monroe: 37-24-37 10945Jane Russell: 39-27-38 10946Jayne Mansfield: 40-23-37 10947Sophia Loren: 37-25-36 10948% 10949Rating women on the Budweiser scale; the number 10950of Clydesdales it would take to pull you off her. 10951% 10952Reach out and fuck someone. 10953% 10954Readers Ask: 10955 Is it possible to kill a vampire with a gun? 10956 10957Vampires are a source of great irritation to the average homeowner and it is 10958usually to one's advantage to remove these pests as rapidly as possible. If 10959a professional exterminator specializing in the undead is unavailable, it is 10960possible to handle the situation with common household items. However, much 10961of the common folklore of vanquishing the undead needs clarifying. First, 10962driving a sharpened Louisville Slugger through a vampire's heart will NOT kill 10963it. Since it's not quite alive, why would the heart be any different than 10964puncturing it in the, for example, left buttock? Stake driving should be 10965avoided at any cost since its effect will be to terribly annoy the vampire, 10966and the last thing you want on your hands is an irate Lord of Darkness. 10967Handguns are also a definite no-no. Common sense indicates that it requires 10968more to defeat an incarnation of evil than hurling lumps of lead or silver 10969through its body. One time-honored method is to expose the vampire to the 10970sun, sever its head (any power saw should be sufficient), fill its mouth with 10971holy wafers (vanilla wafers over which the Lord's prayer has been read will 10972do in a pinch), immerse the head in an urn filled with holy water, place the 10973urn in consecrated lands and bury the rest of the body underneath a crossroad 10974(i.e. the intersection of Broad & Chestnut). Sure, it's a lot of work. But 10975you'll never have to worry about those damn bats pestering the neighbors again. 10976% 10977Reagan can't act, either. 10978% 10979Real buddy, n.: 10980 Someone who'll go downtown and get two blowjobs, and come back 10981 and give you one. 10982% 10983Real class, adj.: 10984 When you're by yourself, fart, and say "Excuse me." 10985% 10986Real fur: the ultimate sadist symbol. 10987% 10988Reformed, n.: 10989 A synagogue that closes for the Jewish holidays. 10990% 10991Rejection, n.: 10992 When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep. 10993% 10994Religion is fine, Churchianity sucks. 10995% 10996Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over. 10997 -- Frank Zappa 10998% 10999Remember, when preparing a dish for bedtime, 11000champagne is the best tenderizer. 11001% 11002Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only 11003sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's 11004changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't 11005grow out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up 11006liking pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to 11007do with the other. 11008 -- Jules Feiffer 11009% 11010Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in this 11011country. The remainder is thrown out. 11012% 11013Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows. 11014Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes. 11015 11016Democrats eat the fish they catch. 11017Republicans hang them on the wall. 11018 11019Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican 11020girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first. 11021 11022Democrats make up plans and then do something else. 11023Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made. 11024 11025Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms. 11026That is why there are more Democrats. 11027 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules" 11028% 11029Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom 11030any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't. 11031% 11032Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was sadly, shaking his head. 11033 "What's the matter, buddy?", inquired the bartender. 11034 "Well," replied the customer, "while I was in the men's room, I saw 11035someone had scribbled `Wendy gives really fabulous head; absolutely the best 11036blow job in the world!' on the wall." 11037 "Ahh, hell," said the bartender. "Don't give it a second thought, 11038we get jerks in here like anywhere else." 11039 "I know," snarled the headshaker. "One of them scratched out the 11040phone number!" 11041% 11042Revenge is sleeping with your enemy's wife. 11043Sweet revenge is the realization that she's a lousy lay. 11044% 11045Rodeo fuck, n.: 11046 When you lean down and whisper in your lover's ear, "Honey, you're 11047 the worst piece of ass I've ever had!". And then try to stay on 11048 for seven seconds... 11049% 11050Rogue players do it with all sorts of different animals. 11051% 11052Roland was a warrior, from the land of the midnight sun, 11053With a Thompson gun for hire, fighting to be done. 11054The deal was made in Denmark, on a dark and stormy day, 11055So he set out for Biafra, to join the bloody fray. 11056Through sixty-six and seven, they fought the Congo war, 11057With their fingers on their triggers, knee deep in gore. 11058Days and nights they battled, the Bantu to their knees, 11059They killed to earn their living, and to help out the Congolese. 11060 Roland the Thompson gunner... 11061His comrades fought beside him, Van Owen and the rest, 11062But of all the Thompson gunners, Roland was the best. 11063So the C.I.A decided, they wanted Roland dead, 11064That son-of-a-bitch Van Owen, blew off Roland's head. 11065 Roland the headless Thompson gunner... 11066Roland searched the continent, for the man who'd done him in. 11067He found him in Mombasa, in a bar room drinking gin, 11068Roland aimed his Thompson gun, he didn't say a word, 11069But he blew Van Owen's body from there to Johannesburg. 11070The eternal Thompson gunner, still wandering through the night, 11071Now it's ten years later, but he stills keeps up the fight. 11072In Ireland, in Lebanon, in Palestine, in Berkeley, 11073Patty Hearst... heard the burst... of Roland's Thompson gun, and bought it. 11074 -- Warren Zevon, "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner" 11075% 11076Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo 11077% 11078Rosenberg wanted to leave the country. 11079"And what is *your* reason?" asks the official at the Passport Office. 11080"I am told a pogrom is being prepared. Against the Jews and the barbers," 11081 replies Rosenberg. 11082"Why the barbers?" 11083"Everybody asks that question. That's why I want to leave." 11084% 11085Roses on your piano isn't nearly as good as tulips on your organ. 11086% 11087Rugby is a game played by men with peculiarly shaped balls. 11088% 11089Rugby, n.: 11090 A sport requiring leather balls. 11091% 11092Rumour has it that the intrepid New Zealanders have finally discovered 11093two new uses for sheep. Meat and wool. 11094% 11095Runners do it alone. 11096% 11097Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11098 11099(1) The greatest threat to the human spirit is liberalism. 11100 11101 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11102% 11103Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11104 11105(10) Liberalism poisons the soul. 11106 11107 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11108% 11109Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11110 11111(11) Neither the United States, nor anyone else, "imposes" freedom on 11112 the people of other nations. Freedom is not an imposition. 11113 11114 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11115% 11116Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11117 11118(12) Freedom is God-given. 11119 11120 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11121% 11122Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11123 11124(13) To dictatorships, peace means the absence of opposition. 11125 11126 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11127% 11128Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11129 11130(14) To free people, peace means the absence of threat. 11131 11132 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11133% 11134Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11135 11136(15) The Peace Movement in the United States was, whether by accident or 11137 design, pro-communist. 11138 11139 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11140% 11141Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11142 11143(16) The collective knowledge and wisdom of seasoned citizens is the 11144 most valuable, yet untapped, resource our young people have. 11145 11146 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11147% 11148Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11149 11150(17) The greatest football team in the history of civilization was the 11151 Pittsburgh Steelers of 1975 through 1980. 11152 11153 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11154% 11155Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11156 11157(18) There is no such thing as "war atrocities." War is an atrocity. 11158 11159 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11160% 11161Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11162 11163(19) Regardless of the pain in our memories, nostalgia only reminds us 11164 of the good times in our past. 11165 11166 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11167% 11168Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11169 11170(2) The single greatest threat to the free people of the world is posed 11171 by the heinous idea of centralized government control. 11172 11173 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11174% 11175Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11176 11177(20) There is a God. 11178 11179 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11180% 11181Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11182 11183(21) Abortion is wrong. 11184 11185 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11186% 11187Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11188 11189(22) Morality is not defined by individual choice. 11190 11191 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11192% 11193Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11194 11195(23) Evolution cannot explain creation. 11196 11197 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11198% 11199Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11200 11201(24) Feminism was established so that unattractive women could have 11202 easier access to the mainstream of society. 11203 11204 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11205% 11206Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11207 11208(25) Love is the only human emotion which cannot be controlled. You 11209 either do or you don't. You can't fake it. (Except women, and 11210 thank God they can.) 11211 11212 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11213% 11214Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11215 11216(26) The only difference between Mikhail Gorbachev and previous Soviet 11217 leaders is that he is alive. 11218 11219 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11220% 11221Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11222 11223(27) Soviet leaders were actually left-wing dictators. 11224 11225 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11226% 11227Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11228 11229(28) Abraham Lincoln saved this nation. 11230 11231 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11232% 11233Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11234 11235(29) The Los Angeles Raiders will never be the team they were when they 11236 called Oakland home. 11237 11238 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11239% 11240Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11241 11242(3) Peace does not mean the elimination of nuclear weapons. 11243 11244 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11245% 11246Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11247 11248(30) The United States will again go to war. 11249 11250 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11251% 11252Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11253 11254(31) To more and more American intellectuals, a victorious United States 11255 is a sinful United States. 11256 11257 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11258% 11259Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11260 11261(32) The fact that American intellectuals rue a victorious United States 11262 is frightening and ominous. 11263 11264 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11265% 11266Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11267 11268(33) There will always be poor people. 11269 11270 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11271% 11272Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11273 11274(34) The fact that there will always be poor people is not the fault of 11275 the rich. 11276 11277 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11278% 11279Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11280 11281(35) Rather than feel guilty as some do, you should thank God for making 11282 you an American. 11283 11284 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11285% 11286Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11287 11288(4) Peace does not mean the absence of war. 11289 11290 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11291% 11292Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11293 11294(5) War is not obsolete. 11295 11296 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11297% 11298Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11299 11300(6) Ours is a world governed by the aggressive use of force. 11301 11302 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11303% 11304Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11305 11306(7) There is only one way to eliminate nuclear weapons. Use them. 11307 11308 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11309% 11310Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11311 11312(8) Peace cannot be achieved merely by developing an "understanding" 11313 among peoples. 11314 11315 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11316% 11317Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11318 11319(9) Americans opposing America is not always sacred nor courageous ... 11320 it is sometimes dangerous. 11321 11322 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11323% 11324Said a dainty young whore named Ms. Meggs, 11325"The men like to spread my two legs, 11326 Then slip in between, 11327 If you know what I mean, 11328And leave me the white of their eggs." 11329% 11330Said a decadent wench of Bombay: 11331"This has been a most wonderful day. 11332 Three cherry tarts, 11333 At least twenty farts, 11334Two shits, and a bloody fine lay." 11335% 11336Said a girl who upon her divan 11337Was attacked by a virile young man: 11338 "Such excess of passion 11339 Is quite out of fashion" 11340And she fractured his wrist with her fan. 11341 -- Edward Gorey 11342% 11343Said a happy young man of Fort Drum: 11344"What care I for this shortage of gum? 11345 My favorite chew 11346 Is a condom or two, 11347With a goodly amount of fresh come." 11348% 11349Said a horny young girl from Milpitas, 11350"My favorite sport is coitus." 11351 But a fullback from State 11352 Made her period late, 11353And now she has athlete's fetus. 11354% 11355Said a lecherous fellow named Shea, 11356When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay, 11357 "You must seize it, and squeeze it, 11358 And tease it, and please it, 11359For Rome wasn't built in a day." 11360% 11361Said a lesbian lady, "It's sad; 11362Of all the girls that I've had, 11363 None gave me the thrill 11364 Of real rapture until 11365I learned how to be a tribade." 11366% 11367Said a madam named Mamie La Farge 11368To a sailor just off of a barge, 11369 "We have one girl that's dead, 11370 With a hole in her head-- 11371Of course there's a slight extra charge." 11372% 11373Said a modest young miss to de Sade, 11374I'm simply too shy and afraid 11375 To take part in your pranks. 11376 But to show you my thanks, 11377I'd just love to become your first aide. 11378% 11379Said a pornographistic young poet 11380"Although I perhaps do not show it, 11381 My interest in sin 11382 Is wearing quite thin, 11383And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it." 11384% 11385Said a swinging young chick named Lyth 11386Whose virtue was largely a myth, 11387 "Try as hard as I can, 11388 I can't find a man 11389That it's fun to be virtuous with." 11390% 11391Said crew girl Angelica Bauer: 11392"The captain's withdrawn, cold, and sour." 11393 Uhura said, "No, 11394 At night that's not so-- 11395He doesn't withdraw for an hour." 11396% 11397Said Einstein, "I have an equation 11398Which to some may seem Rabelaisian: 11399 Let V be virginity 11400 Approaching infinity; 11401Let P be a constant persuasion; 11402 11403"Let V over P be inverted 11404With the square root of Mu inserted 11405 N times into V ... 11406 The result, Q.E.D., 11407Is a relative!" Einstein asserted. 11408% 11409Said Francesca, "My lack of volition 11410Is leading me straight to perdition; 11411 But I haven't the strength 11412 To go to the length 11413Of making an act of contrition." 11414 -- Edward Gorey 11415% 11416Said President Jobcock one day: 11417"War's better than love, I should say. 11418 Instead of a virgin, 11419 It's murder I'm urgin'-- 11420You get lots more blood that-a-way." 11421% 11422Said sneering Mohammed el-Din: 11423"Only infidel dogs put it in. 11424 Back home in Arabia 11425 We nibble the labia 11426Till the juice dribbles off of our chin." 11427% 11428Said the cunt-lapping Bey of Algiers, 11429In a cunt halfway up to his ears: 11430 "This nautch is delicious, 11431 And without doubt nutritious. 11432She's my best-tasting wife in ten years!" 11433% 11434Said the Duchess of Danzer at tea, 11435"Young man, do you fart when you pee?" 11436 I replied with some wit, 11437 "Do you belch when you shit?" 11438I think that was one up for me. 11439% 11440Said the nun as the bishop withdrew, 11441"This must be our final adieu, 11442 For the vicar is slicker, 11443 And thicker, and quicker, 11444And two inches longer than you." 11445% 11446Saint Peteer was once heard to boast 11447That he'd had all the heavenly host: 11448 The Father and Son, 11449 And then - just for fun - 11450The hole in the Holy Ghost. 11451% 11452Sam Lefkovitz is having an intimate party to celebrate his thirty 11453immensely profitable years in the construction business. 11454 "You know," he laments to his friends, "over the years I have 11455constructed dozens of enormous projects in and around this city, but 11456am I known as Sam the Builder? No. 11457 And over the years I have contributed literally millions of 11458dollars to charitable causes of one sort or another, but am I called 11459Sam the Philanthropist? No sir! 11460 But suck one little cock..." 11461% 11462San Francisco: 11463 A nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to tie my shoelaces 11464 there. 11465% 11466San Francisco is my kind of city, 11467Where the women are strong and the men are pretty. 11468% 11469Save a forest -- eat a beaver! 11470% 11471Save a mouse, eat a pussy! 11472% 11473Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!! 11474% 11475Save the whales. Club a seal instead. 11476% 11477Says an airlining wanton named Vi: 11478"I'm a pantyless stew when I fly. 11479 To a muffer's delight, 11480 I'll take head on a flight, 11481So the guy can have pie in the sky." 11482% 11483"Scott, baby," the sexually aggressive girl murmured as she guided 11484her date's finger to her clitoris, "This bud's for you." 11485% 11486Scratch the average female and you'll find a purring bundle... at the 11487ready to love and honor, bake a torte and still produce quintuplets. 11488 -- Edgar Berman 11489% 11490SDW/M, 35, offers French lessons for ladies. 11491If you desire fluency in the French tongue, 11492this cunning linguist can lick your problem. 11493 11494Fortune -- P.O. Box 478 11495% 11496Seems like there were these two dogs in a vet's waiting room, each eyeing 11497the other suspiciously. One of them turns to the other. 11498 "What are you here for?" he asks. 11499 "Well," replies the other, "I was feeling really bad the other day, 11500and Master's six year old son started bothering me. I tried to ignore it, 11501but I was feeling so rotten that I bit his hand." 11502 "Yeah, I now what you mean. So, what are you here for?" 11503 "Erm ... well ... Master reckons that I'm too vicious, so I'm going 11504to be ... you know ... I'm going to have the *operation*." 11505 "Oh. Well, I'm sorry," sympathized the first dog. 11506 Time passed. The about-to-be-neutered dog coughed politely. 11507 "So," he asked, "What are you in here for?" 11508 "Oh, nothing really," the other replied, embarrassed. 11509 "Go on, I told you, it *can't* be as bad!" 11510 "OK. Well, it's like this. The bitch next door was in heat, and so 11511I was feeling, you know, a bit randy. Then Mistress came into the kitchen 11512wearing a short skirt and no underwear, and she bent over. I just couldn't 11513resist it!" admitted the dog. 11514 "Oh! So you're here for the operation too!" 11515 "No," came the reply, "I'm here to have my nails clipped!" 11516% 11517Seems like these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three 11518were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, with 11519the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost 11520again, decided to appeal to a higher authority. "Oh, God!" he cried. "I 11521know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please show me a sign, 11522so they too will know that I understand Your laws." 11523 It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his 11524plaint, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once 11525and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other 11526three disagreed, pointing out that stormclouds form on hot days. 11527 So he asked again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am 11528right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign." 11529 This time four stormclouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form 11530one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning knocked down a tree ten feet away from 11531the rabbis. The cloud dispersed at once. "I told you I was right!" insisted 11532the loner, but the others insisted that nothing had happened that could not 11533be explained by natural causes. 11534 The insisting rabbi is all ready to ask for a *very big* sign when 11535just as he says "Oh God..." the sky turns pitch black, the earth shakes, and 11536a deep, booming voice intones, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!" 11537 The sky returns to normal. The one rabbi puts his hands on his hips 11538and snarls, "Well?" "Okay, okayyyy," replied another, "so now it's 3 to 2!" 11539% 11540Seems like this guy is hitting up on a woman in a bar. After assiduously 11541pursuing her for several minutes, she leans forward and tells him that he's 11542a nice guy and all that, but, well, that she's a lesbian. Confused, he asks 11543her what that means. 11544 "Well," she replies, "you see that woman at the corner table?" 11545 "Yeah..." 11546 "I'd like to walk over to her, and unbottom her blouse." 11547 "Yeah..." 11548 "And then I'd like to kiss her and suck on her nipples... and 11549then I'd like to take off her skirt... and run my hand over her thighs..." 11550 "Right! Right!" interrupts the guy. "I think I'm a lesbian too!" 11551% 11552Seems there was this traveling salesman who wandered into a brothel and 11553asked the madam for a woman who would give him the absolutely worst blow-job 11554imaginable. Not horny, just homesick. 11555% 11556Seems this guy notices a young nun sitting on the bus; through her heavy veil 11557he just spots a glimmer of her face. Gorgeous! She moves, and her vestments 11558cannot hide the fact she has a truly phenomenal body. The guy gets more and 11559more excited until he finally approaches the nun and tells "Sister, please 11560believe me, I don't normally do this sort of thing, but I think I love you. 11561Could we maybe talk?" 11562 The nun almost runs off the bus. As the young man's stop comes up, 11563the bus driver asks the guy if he was the person bothering the nun. The man 11564starts apologizing, but the bus driver interrupts him. "No, don't apologize, 11565I was checking her out myself. Listen, you see where she got on? She goes 11566there every day, to a little park. Why don't you meet here there?" 11567 Sure enough, the man goes to the park the next day and there's the nun 11568in a secluded grove of trees. He approaches her, and she seems, although shy, 11569much more willing to talk. After an hour of cautious talk, he asks her if 11570she'd be willing to make love with him. She blushes, smiles, blushes again 11571and says "yes". But that she doesn't dare risk getting pregnant, so it would 11572have to be the "back door". 11573 As they start to make love, the young man is overcome with guilt; 11574panting, he says, "Sister, I have to tell you, I'm the guy who was annoying 11575you on the bus yesterday. 11576 Replies the nun, "Well, that's okay. I'm not really a nun. I'm 11577actually the bus driver." 11578% 11579Seems to me that both the Democrats and the Republicans should change their 11580symbols to a contraceptive device; it stands for inflation, inhibits 11581production, protects a bunch of pricks and gives everyone a false sense of 11582security while they're being screwed. 11583% 11584Self-abuse is the most certain road to the grave. 11585 -- Dr. George M. Calhoun (1855) 11586% 11587SEMINARS: 11588 From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion. 11589% 11590Send lawyers, guns, and money, 11591The shit has hit the fan. 11592 -- Warren Zevon 11593% 11594Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote. 11595 -- Grover Cleveland (1905) 11596% 11597Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood handcuffed 11598in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If this is the way Queen 11599Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she doesn't deserve to have 11600any." 11601% 11602Sex and drugs and UNIX. 11603% 11604Sex and mathematics have one thing in common. 11605You can do each while thinking about the other. 11606% 11607Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. 11608 -- Sophia Loren 11609% 11610Sex is a biological function; kissing is a commitment. 11611% 11612Sex is better than grass, if you have the right pusher. 11613% 11614Sex is dirty, but only if you do it right. 11615% 11616Sex is great, 11617Sex is grand, 11618Sex around here, 11619Is mostly by hand. 11620% 11621Sex is just one damp thing after another. 11622% 11623Sex is like a bridge game. 11624If you have a good hand no partner is needed. 11625% 11626Sex is low in calories, and *oooh* that aftertaste! 11627% 11628Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved. 11629% 11630Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. 11631 -- Swami X 11632% 11633Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation ... the other eight 11634are unimportant. 11635 -- Henry Miller 11636% 11637Sex is the poor man's opera. 11638 -- George Bernard Shaw 11639% 11640Sex is what women have and men want. 11641% 11642Sex; it's always best when one partner is at least a little bit desperate. 11643% 11644SEX-CHANGE NUN BECOMES TV WRESTLER!!! 11645 details at 11! 11646% 11647Shamus: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the 11648temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. A shamus is at 11649the bottom of the pecking order of synagogue functionaries, and there's 11650a joke about that: 11651 11652A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the middle of a 11653service, 11654 "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" 11655The cantor, not to be bested, also cries out, 11656 "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" 11657The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, 11658 "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" 11659The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, 11660 "Look who thinks he's nobody!" 11661 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 11662% 11663Share and enjoy, share and enjoy. 11664Journey through life with a plastic boy or girl by your side. 11665Let your pal be your guide. 11666And when it breaks down or starts to annoy, 11667 or grinds when it moves and gives you no joy, 11668 'cause it digs up your hat, 11669 or has sex with your cat, 11670 sprays oil on your wall or rips off your door, 11671 and you get to the point you can't stand any more. 11672Bring it to us, we won't give a shit. 11673We'll tell you: "Go stick your head in a pig". 11674% 11675She Ain't Much to See, but She Looks Good Through the Bottom of a Glass 11676If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, I Wonder Who's I'd Find On You 11677I'm Ashamed to be Here, but Not Ashamed Enough to Leave 11678It's Commode Huggin' Time In The Valley 11679If You Want to Keep the Beer Real Cold, Put It Next to My Ex-wife's Heart 11680If You Get the Feeling That I Don't Love You, Feel Again 11681I'm Ashamed To Be Here, But Not Ashamed Enough To Leave 11682It's the Bottle Against the Bible in the Battle For Daddy's Soul 11683My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Miss Him 11684Don't Cut Any More Wood, Baby, 'Cause I'll Be Comin' Home With A Load 11685I Loved Her Face, But I Left Her Behind For You 11686 -- proposed Country-Western song titles 11687% 11688She asked me if I loved her still. "Yes," I replied. "I've never had 11689you any other way." 11690% 11691She begged and she pleaded for more. 11692I said, "We've already had four, 11693 And I'm sure that you've heard, 11694 Though it's somewhat absurd, 11695That eros spelt backwards is sore." 11696% 11697She called her parakeet Onan, because he spilled his seed. 11698 -- Dorothy Parker 11699% 11700She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic 11701candidates for president. 11702 -- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", on feminist 11703 Elizabeth Gould Davis 11704% 11705She made a thing of soft leather, 11706And topped off the end with a feather. 11707 When she poked it inside her 11708 She took off like a glider, 11709And gave up her lover forever. 11710% 11711She never liked zippers, she said, 11712Until she opened one in bed. 11713% 11714She stood there and peeled off her clothes, 11715And begged for a bang: goodness knows 11716 I am surely impure 11717 And I sizzled to scrure, 11718But the push had gone out of my hose. 11719% 11720She was a farmer's daughter but she couldn't keep her calves together. 11721% 11722She was coming round the mountain doin' ninety, 11723When the chain on her motorcycle broke, 11724 Now she's lying in the grass, 11725 With the muffler up her ass, 11726And her tits a-playin' Dixie on the spokes. 11727% 11728She was only: 11729 a coal digger's daughter, but she'll always be mine. 11730 a statistician's daughter, but she knew all the standard deviations. 11731 a wrestler's daughter, but you should have seen her box. 11732 a moonshiner's daughter, but I loved her still. 11733 a chimney sweep's daughter, but she sure knew how to haul ash. 11734 a fireman's daughter, but her face was a cause for alarm. 11735 a banker's daughter, but she opened her drawers for cash. 11736% 11737She was peeved, and called her beau "Mr." 11738Not because, when she came in, he kr., 11739 But she knew, just before 11740 She opened the door, 11741This same Mr. had kr. sr. 11742% 11743She was wearing a very tight skirt, and when she tried to board the Fifth 11744Avenue bus she found she couldn't lift her leg. She reached back and 11745unzipped her zipper. It didn't seem to do any good, so she reached back 11746and unzipped it again. Suddenly the man behind her lifted her up and put 11747her on the top step. 11748 "How dare you?" she demanded. 11749 "Well, lady," he said, "by the time you unzipped my fly for the 11750second time I thought we'd become good friends." 11751% 11752She wasn't what one could call pretty 11753And other girls offered her pity, 11754 So nobody guessed 11755 That her Wasserman test 11756Involved half the men in the city. 11757% 11758She's fine, upstanding, and wonderful laying down. 11759% 11760She's looking for: He's looking for: Foreplay: 117611957 Someone who'll go Her: Finding a place to put 11762Mr. Nice Guy all the way her gum 11763 Him: Wondering which word would 11764 best describe her breasts 11765 to the guys 11766 117671967 Someone who's got The first ten minutes 11768Mr. Natural rolling papers and of "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" 11769 will go all the way 11770 117711977 Someone who'll go Testing the batteries 11772Mr. Goodbar all the way in leg 11773 warmers and a leather 11774 face mask 11775 117761987 Someone who's never Examination of the genitalia 11777Mr. Clean gone all the way in under the magnifying glass 11778 San Francisco that Grandma used for needle- 11779 point before she passed away 11780 -- Michael Corcoran, "National Lampoon", October 1987 11781% 11782She's the kind of woman you could fall madly in bed with. 11783% 11784Shit happens. 11785% 11786Shopping at this grody little computer store at the Galleria for a 11787totally awwwsome Apple. Fer suuure. I mean Apples are nice you 11788know? But, you know, there is this cute guy who works there and HE 11789says that VAX's are cooler! I mean I don't really know, you know? 11790He says that he has this totally tubular VAX at home and it's stuffed 11791with memory-to-the-max! Right, yeah. And he wants to take me home 11792to show it to me. Oh My God! I'm suuure. Gag me with a Prime! 11793% 11794Short man who dance with tall woman gets bust in mouth. 11795% 11796Shouted Frosty the Snowman "Hooray! 11797I'm agog with excitement today! 11798 And the reason of course, 11799 A reliable source, 11800Said the snow blower's heading this way!" 11801% 11802Showerbath: Natural venue for sexual adventures -- wash together, make love 11803together: only convenient overhead point in most apartments or hotel rooms 11804to attach a partner's hands. Don't pull down the fixture, however -- it 11805isn't weightbearing. See Discipline. 11806 -- The Joy of Sex 11807% 11808Sighed a neat little package named Annie: 11809"I've the tits and the twat and the fanny, 11810 Plus the yen, but the men 11811 Only call now and then-- 11812Can it be I've B.O. in my cranny?" 11813% 11814Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper. 11815% 11816Sixteen'll get you twenty. 11817% 11818Size counts. 11819% 11820Small, adj.: 11821 Is it in yet? 11822% 11823Smoking a woman is like kissing a fish. 11824% 11825Sniff sniff... Hey! Who farted? 11826% 11827Snow White: 11828 "Gee guys, I've always dreamed of getting ten inches... 11829 but not an inch-and-a-half at a time!" 11830% 11831"Snyder's got a stiff ticket," said Kay, 11832"Come on, take it out, and let's play." 11833 He pulled it on out, 11834 But she started to pout, 11835His ticket was only a quarter-inch stout. 11836% 11837So, good night, you moonlit ladies, 11838Rock-a-bye sweet baby James. 11839Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose, 11840Won't you let me go down in my dreams? 11841And rock-a-bye sweet baby James. 11842 -- James Taylor, "Rock-a-bye Sweet Baby James" 11843% 11844So here was this fellow of Strensall 11845Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil, 11846 Anemic, 'tis true, 11847 But an interesting screw, 11848Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile. 11849% 11850So, how's your love life? 11851Still holding your own? 11852% 11853So... if you could choose any nose in the whole wide world, 11854which one would you pick? 11855% 11856So it's ai yi yi yi, 11857Your mother scores more than Wayne Gretzky! 11858So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse, 11859And waltz me around by my willie! 11860 11861 There once was a man from Nantucket! 11862 Whose cock was so long he could suck it! 11863 He said with a grin, 11864 As he wiped off his chin, 11865 If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it! 11866 11867So it's ai yi yi yi, 11868Your sister does squat thrusts on flag poles! 11869So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse, 11870And waltz me around by my willie! 11871 11872 There once was a young man from Boston! 11873 Who drove around town in an Austin! 11874 There was room for his ass, 11875 And a gallon of gas, 11876 So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em! 11877% 11878So it's ai yi yi yi, 11879Your sister swims out to meet troop ships! 11880So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse, 11881And waltz me around by my willie! 11882 11883 There once was a man from Racine! 11884 Who invented a screwing machine! 11885 Both concave and convex, 11886 It could please either sex, 11887 But, oh, what a bastard to clean! 11888 11889So it's ai yi yi yi, 11890Your girlfriend douches with Drano! 11891So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse, 11892And waltz me around by my willie! 11893 11894 One night a girl had an affair! 11895 With a fellow all covered with hair! 11896 His enormous red whang, 11897 Gave her a wonderful bang -- 11898 She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear! 11899% 11900So this elderly couple were sitting in their tiny cold water flat on the 11901lower East Side when the husband said, "Doris, we're in bad shape. Inflation 11902has eaten up our Social Security check. The next one isn't due for a week 11903and we've got no money left for food." 11904 "Could I do anything to help?" she asked. 11905 "Yes," he said. "I hate to see you do this but it's the only way. 11906You're going to have to go out and hustle." 11907 "Me?" she asked. "At the age of sixty-five?" 11908 "It's the only way," he said. 11909Resigned to the situation, she went out into the warm night. She came 11910staggering in early the next morning. 11911 "How did you do?" asked the husband. 11912 "Here," she said, "I've got four dollars and ten cents." 11913 "Four dollars and ten cents," he said. "Who gave you the ten cents?" 11914 "Everybody," she said. 11915% 11916So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse is, our 11917standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the 1950s, when 11918I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was considered just 11919about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever showed was women's 11920breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts would have provided adequate 11921shelter for a family of four, but the overall effect was no more explicit 11922than many publications we think nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's 11923Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue. 11924 -- Dave Barry 11925% 11926So this traveling salesman got an audience with the Pope. 11927 "Hey, father," he said, "have you heard the joke about the two 11928Polacks who --" 11929 "My son," the Pope reminded him, "I'm Polish." 11930The salesman thought for a moment. 11931 "That's okay, Father," he said. "I'll tell it very slowly." 11932% 11933So you fucked up... you trusted us! 11934 -- Animal House 11935% 11936So, your daughter was voted "Most Likely to Conceive", 11937and you're still drinking ordinary scotch? 11938% 11939Social interaction can be fatal. Come to Irvine and live forever. 11940% 11941Sodomy, fellatio, cunnilingus, pederasty, 11942Father, why do these words sound so nasty? 11943 -- Hair 11944% 11945Sodomy is a pain in the ass. 11946% 11947SOFTWARE: 11948 Formal evening attire for female computer analysts. 11949% 11950Some companies idea of playing ball is, you play ball with us, 11951and we'll stick the fucking bat up your ass. 11952% 11953Some Harvard men, stalwart and hairy, 11954Drank up several bottles of sherry; 11955 In the Yard around three 11956 They were shrieking with glee: 11957"Come on out, we are burning a fairy!" 11958 -- Edward Gorey 11959% 11960Some of the greatest love affairs I've known have involved one actor, 11961unassisted. 11962 -- Wilson Mizner 11963% 11964Some of the management around here are the final proof that the Indians 11965fucked the buffalo. 11966% 11967Some people seem to think that "damn" is God's last name. 11968% 11969Some women achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust into them. 11970% 11971Some women are like musical glasses. 11972To keep them in tune they must be wet. 11973 -- Samuel T. Coleridge 11974% 11975Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs. 11976 -- Noel Coward 11977% 11978Something better... 11979 1198013 (sympathetic): Oh, What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God? 1198114 (complementary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to 11982 perch on. 1198315 (scientific): Say, does that thing there influence the tides? 1198416 (obscure): Oh, I'd hate to see the grindstone. 1198517 (inquiry): When you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid? 1198618 (french): Say, the pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you 11987 leave. 1198819 (pornographic): Finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once. 1198920 (religious): The Lord giveth and He just kept on giving, didn't He. 1199021 (disgusting): Say, who mows your nose hair? 1199122 (paranoid): Keep that guy away from my cocaine! 1199223 (aromatic): It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the 11993 coffee ... in Brazil. 1199424 (appreciative): Oooo, how original. Most people just have their teeth 11995 capped. 1199625 (dirty): Your name wouldn't be Dick, would it? 11997 -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne" 11998% 11999Sometimes guys'll say to you, "Have a good one." I say, "I already have 12000a good one. Now I'm looking for a longer one." 12001 -- George Carlin 12002% 12003Sometimes, you just gotta say "What the fuck." 12004 -- Risky Business 12005% 12006Sooner or later, generals will own you. 12007% 12008Sorry 'bout that sweat, honey. That's just holy water. 12009 -- Little Richard 12010% 12011SPINSTER: 12012 Unlusted number. 12013% 12014Starkle, starkle, little twink, 12015Who the hell you are I think 12016I'm not as drunk as thinkle peep 12017I'm just a little slort of sheep. 12018Tee martoonis make a guy, 12019Feel so woozy, I don't know why. 12020So mass the pixer and kill my fup 12021I've all day sober to sunday up. 12022% 12023Statisticians do it with 95% confidence. 12024% 12025Statisticians probably do it. 12026% 12027Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me!!! 12028% 12029Stockmayer's Theorem: 12030 If it looks easy, it's tough. 12031 If it looks tough, it's damn well impossible. 12032% 12033STRAPLESS EVENING GOWN: 12034 Bust truster. 12035% 12036Stress, n.: 12037 The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's 12038 desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who 12039 desperately needs it. 12040% 12041Subpoena, n.: 12042 From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male 12043organ or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls." 12044% 12045Success has many fathers, but failure is a bastard. 12046% 12047Success is like a fart -- only your own smells nice. 12048 -- James P. Hogan 12049% 12050Successful cunnilingus, n.: 12051 When you wake up the next morning with a face like a 12052 frosted doughnut. 12053% 12054SUGAR DADDY: 12055 A man who can afford to raise cain. 12056% 12057Support the right of unborn males to bear arms! 12058 -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly, 12059 the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle 12060 Association 12061% 12062Sure, and of course I would vote for a woman for president! 12063Quite naturally, we wouldn't have to pay her so much. 12064% 12065Sure banking is Biblical! 12066 12067How about when Onan received a substantial penalty for early withdrawal? 12068Or when Pharaoh's daughter went into the bulrushes and came out with a 12069little prophet? And it was Moses who led the Children of Israel to the 12070Banks of the Jordan! 12071% 12072Sure eating yoghurt will improve your sex life. People know that if 12073you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything. 12074% 12075Swallow, v.: 12076 The (blew) bird of birth control. 12077% 12078Systems people do it with a small, but clean, interface. 12079% 12080Take a look around you, tell me what you see, 12081A girl who thinks she's ordinary lookin' she has got the key. 12082If you can get close enough to look into her eyes 12083There's something special right behind the bitterness she hides. 12084 And you're fair game, 12085 You never know what she'll decide, you're fair game, 12086 Just relax, enjoy the ride. 12087Find a way to reach her, make yourself a fool, 12088But do it with a little class, disregard the rules. 12089'Cause this one knows the bottom line, couldn't get a date. 12090The ugly duckling striking back, and she'll decide her fate. 12091 (chorus) 12092The ones you never notice are the ones you have to watch. 12093She's pleasant and she's friendly while she's looking at your crotch. 12094Try your hand at conversation, gossip is a lie, 12095And sure enough she'll take you home and make you wanna die. 12096 (chorus) 12097 -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Fair Game" 12098% 12099Taoism: Shit Happens. 12100Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit Happens". 12101Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit. 12102Hinduism: This shit has happened before. 12103Protestantism: Shit happens, but it happens to someone else. 12104Catholicism: Shit happens, but you deserved it. 12105Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US? 12106% 12107Taxes should hurt. I just mailed my own tax return last night and I 12108am prepared to say "ouch!" as loud as anyone. 12109 -- Ronald Reagan 12110% 12111TAXIDERMIST: 12112 A man who mounts animals. 12113% 12114Teaching undergraduates is like herding sheep. And, like the old Basque 12115sheepherder explained, whenever the livestock starts looking good to you, 12116it's time to spend a night in town. 12117% 12118Tear leather: 12119 To become excited, as in the sentence "Robin Hood tore 12120 his leather jerkin' off." 12121% 12122Tearing off a quicky: 12123 Gunning the jump. 12124% 12125Teddy Kennedy: A Blond in Every Pond! 12126% 12127Teen-age prostitution: the problem is mounting! 12128% 12129Television is a whore. Any man who wants her full favors can have them 12130in five minutes with a pistol. 12131 -- Hijacker, quoted in "Esquire" 12132% 12133Tell you what," the haberdasher said to a persistent job applicant. "I've 12134got one suit I can't sell -- that purple, green and yellow number over there. 12135If you can make that sale, you've not only got the job, you've got it for 12136life." 12137 Then the store owner left for lunch. When he returned, he was shocked 12138to see the young man's clothes in tatters and his hands and face bleeding. 12139 "My God, what happened to you?" 12140 "I sold the suit! I sold the suit!" the young man shouted, a smile 12141on his bloodied lips. 12142 "Congratulations," the haberdasher said. "You've got the job. But 12143what happened? Did the customer start a fight?" 12144 "Oh, no," the new salesman replied. "But his Seeing Eye dog was 12145*pissed*." 12146% 12147Tequila my girl, is deceiving: 12148Take two at the very most. 12149Take three and you're under the table, 12150Take four and you're under the host. 12151% 12152Test makers do it: 12153 A: sometimes 12154 B: always 12155 C: never 12156 D: none of the above. 12157% 12158TEXAN: 12159 A wet-back that didn't make Oklahoma. 12160% 12161Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester, 12162She obliges all who accost her. 12163 She welcomes the prick 12164 Of Tom, Harry or Dick, 12165Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor. 12166% 12167That girl could suck the chrome off a bumper. 12168% 12169That Harvard don down at El Djim -- 12170Oh, wasn't it nasty of him, 12171 With the whole harem randy, 12172 The sheik himself handy, 12173To muss up a young camel's quim. 12174% 12175That naughty old Sappho of Greece 12176Said: "What I prefer to a piece 12177 Is to have my pudenda 12178 Rubbed hard by the enda 12179The little pink nose of my niece." 12180% 12181That reminds me of a friend of mine who went north to work on the Alaskan 12182pipeline. Before he went up there, he was just a skinny little runt. When 12183he got back, he was a husky fucker. 12184% 12185The abbess of a nunnery was instructing a group of novices on the house rules 12186of her particular order. The indoctrination period, which went on for hours, 12187began with "No washing of undies in the founts," and ended with "Lights out at 12188nine. Candles out at ten." 12189% 12190The acrobats - Tom and Louise- 12191Do an act in the nude on their knees. 12192 They crawl down the aisle 12193 While screwing dog-style, 12194As the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees." 12195% 12196The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled 12197at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains. 12198 -- Dave Barry 12199% 12200The attractive and grief-stricken widow had been living in seclusion at the 12201home of her deceased husband's younger brother for several weeks. One evening, 12202when she could no longer control her emotions, she barged into her brother-in- 12203law's study and pleaded, "James, I want you to take off my dress." Shyly, 12204the brother-in-law did as she requested. "Now," she continued, "take off my 12205slip." He again complied. "And now," she said, with a slight blush, "remove 12206my panties and bra." Once more James obeyed her command. 12207 Then, regaining her composure, she stared directly at the young man 12208and boldly announced, "I have only one more request, James. Don't ever let 12209me catch you wearing my things again." 12210% 12211The babe, with a cry brief and dismal, 12212Fell into the water baptismal; 12213 Ere they'd gathered its plight, 12214 It had sunk out of sight, 12215For the depth of the font was abysmal. 12216 -- Edward Gorey 12217% 12218The bedsprings next door jounce and creak: 12219They have kept me awake for a week. 12220 Why do newlyweds 12221 Select squeaky beds 12222To develop their fucking technique? 12223% 12224The best way to cut off a cat's tail is to repossess his Jaguar. 12225% 12226The Bible says that woman was the last thing God made. 12227Evidently He made her on Saturday night. She reveals his fatigue. 12228 -- Dumas 12229% 12230The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that 12231sex for money usually costs a lot less. 12232 -- Brendan Francis 12233% 12234The bishop of Alexandretta 12235Loved a girl and he couldn't forget her. 12236 So he thought he'd enshrine her 12237 As the Holy Vagina 12238In the Church of the Sacred French Letter. 12239% 12240The blacksmith told me before he died, 12241And I have no reason to believe that he lied, 12242That no matter how he tried, 12243His wife was never satisfied! 12244 12245And so he built a bloody great wheel, 12246Harnessed to a cock of steel, 12247Two balls of brass were filled with cream, 12248And the whole damn thing was driven by steam. 12249 12250Round and round went the bloody great wheel, 12251In and out went the cock of steel, 12252Till at last the maiden cried, 12253"Enough! Enough! I am satisfied!" 12254 12255And now we come to the crucial bit -- 12256There was no way of stopping it. 12257And she was split from hole to hole, 12258And the whole fucking thing was covered in shit... 12259% 12260The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening, as 12261they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, 12262 "Before we go any further, Charmaine, tell me -- do you have 12263any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?" 12264 "As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot 12265fetish -- but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches." 12266% 12267The bottom-up approach always gets me buggered. 12268 -- Sidney J. Hurtubise 12269% 12270The boys in the Epperson family all acquired fine educations except for Edward. 12271They made him go to school, but most of the time he just ignored what was said 12272there. Yet there were rare moments when he could display a bit of curiosity. 12273 One day Edward was sitting at home looking at a magazine, and he said 12274to his brilliant older brother, Hud, he said, "Hud, what does fox pass mean?" 12275 Brother Hud gave the question some deep consideration and then said, 12276"You must mean _faux_pas_." 12277 "The way it's spelled," said dumb Ed, "it's fox pass." 12278 Hud took a look at the way it was spelled and then said, "It's a French 12279phrase -- it means a social blunder. Remember last Sunday when the Bishop came 12280for dinner? Mother took him out in the garden and they were looking over the 12281roses when the Bishop got stuck on the thumb by a thorn. It was bleeding quite 12282a bit so Mother brought him in the house. They went into the bathroom together 12283and stayed quite a while, and when they came out we all went to the dinner 12284table. Remember all that, Ed?" 12285 "Yeh." 12286 "Now," Hud continued, "you recall that I was just getting to pass 12287the gravy when Mother said, 'Bishop, does your prick still throb?' The gravy 12288bowl flew out of my hands and hit the table, and the gravy splattered all 12289over everyone. And just at that point you, Brother Edward, you hollered, 12290'Sheee-itt!' You remember that?" 12291 "Yeh." 12292 "Well, when you hollered 'Sheee-itt!' that was a _faux_pas_." 12293% 12294The bustard's a remarkable fowl 12295With surely no reason to growl 12296 He escapes what would be 12297 Illegitimacy 12298By the grace of a fortunate vowel. 12299% 12300The butcher, the baker, the candlestick make her, why can't I? 12301% 12302The computer is the ultimate polluter. 12303Its shit is indistinguishable from the food it produces. 12304% 12305The country girl who became a city madam 12306has obviously gone from rags to rigids. 12307% 12308The cruelest of creatures' the crab 12309With claws that can pinch you or stab, 12310 And then when you dine 12311 On crab and white wine 12312It gets you as well with the tab. 12313% 12314The difference between a lawyer and a rooster is that 12315the rooster gets up in the morning and clucks defiance. 12316% 12317The difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball 12318is that you can only get three fingers in a bowling ball. 12319% 12320The difference between graffiti and philosophy is the word "fuck". 12321% 12322The difference between her and the Titanic is that only 1100 men 12323went down on the Titanic. 12324% 12325The difference between like and love is the 12326same as the difference between a spit and a swallow. 12327% 12328The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the 12329cactus has the pricks on the outside. 12330% 12331The difference between women and girls 12332is as much as twenty years in some states. 12333% 12334The Dowager Duchess of Spout 12335Collapsed at the height of a rout; 12336 She found strength to say 12337 As they bore her away: 12338"I should never have taken the trout." 12339 -- Edward Gorey 12340% 12341The ecumenical movement has reached a milestone with the agreement on the 12342text of the first Jewish-Catholic prayer -- one that begins "Oy vay, Maria". 12343% 12344The Enterprise crew when off work 12345Will fuck like an Ottoman Turk. 12346 Uhura the Zulu 12347 Is shacked up with Sulu, 12348And Spock shares a crew girl with Kirk. 12349% 12350The Enterprise girls, so one hears, 12351Have chased Spock for several years. 12352 His look of disdain 12353 Has spared them great pain, 12354For his prick is as sharp as his ears. 12355% 12356The fearless old bishop of Brest 12357Put his faith in the Lord to the test. 12358 He fucked whores in the apse 12359 With chancres and claps, 12360But first they were sprinkled and blessed. 12361% 12362The first child of a Mrs. Keats-Shelley 12363Came to light with its face in its belly; 12364 Her second was born 12365 With a hump and a horn, 12366And her third was as shapeless as jelly. 12367 -- Edward Gorey 12368% 12369The first time we slept together she drove a recreational vehicle into 12370the bedroom. 12371 -- Richard Lewis 12372% 12373The five-alarm fire had been raging out of control for hours, pouring thick, 12374black smoke over the street. At last the blaze was under control and the 12375fire chief began accounting for his men. Two were missing, so he ordered 12376a search. Captain Kelly finally rounded a fire truck parked in an alley 12377and found, to his shock, one fireman with his trousers down leaning over a 12378garbage can and another fireman screwing him in the ass. 12379 "What's the meaning of this!", the captain roared. 12380 "Jones here had passed out from smoke inhalation," the fireman on 12381top panted. 12382 "You're supposed to give mouth to mouth resuscitation for that!" 12383the captain yelled. 12384 "I know. That's what started this," the fireman replied. 12385% 12386The Fortune Travel Agency offers a special... Vacation in Hell! 12387 -- Grace Kelly drives you to the airport. 12388 -- Thurman Munson flies you to a remote tropical island. 12389 -- Ted Kennedy's your chauffeur on the island. 12390 -- You go yachting with Natalie Wood. 12391 -- You have drinks with William Holden. 12392 -- And Roman Polanski stays at home and watches your kids. 12393% 12394The fucking ain't worth the fighting. 12395% 12396The genital area of Ann 12397Will accommodate any size man, 12398 From the wee that cause titters 12399 To the mighty twat-splitters 12400That cause screams peasants hear in Japan. 12401% 12402The girls that go to see a man's etchings 12403may not know art, but they know what they like. 12404% 12405The good doctor had been an inspiration to the jungle natives. He had cured 12406their sick and taught them the religious and moral values of his own England. 12407He was loved and respected by every native in the village, but on this 12408particular afternoon the chief was obviously troubled as he entered the 12409doctor's hut. "You live among my people long time now," said the chief. 12410"You tell us not right for a man and girl to be close together before 12411marriage and we believe what you say. This morning white child born to 12412woman in village. You only white man in jungle. What I tell my people?" 12413 The doctor smiled and led the chief to a window. "My son," he said, 12414"I'll won't attempt to give you a full scientific explanation for the 12415phenomenon known as an albino. But look at the flock of sheep upon that 12416hill. Every one is snow white except one. The white baby born to the 12417woman in your village means nothing more or less than that one black sheep 12418in the white flock. It is simply one of nature's mysterious accidents." 12419 The black chief became embarrassed and looked at his feet. "OK, doc," 12420he said. "You no tell -- I no tell." 12421% 12422The good news is that the horse is dead, but your mother's pregnant. 12423% 12424The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it. 12425 -- Truman Capote 12426% 12427The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of statistics. 12428These are raised to the nth degree, the cube roots are extracted, and the 12429results are arranged into elaborate and impressive displays. What must be 12430kept ever in mind, however, is that in every case, the figures are first 12431put down by a village watchman, and he puts down anything he damn well 12432pleases. 12433 -- Sir Josiah Stamp 12434% 12435The greatest lies of all time: 12436 (1) I love you. 12437 (2) This won't hurt a bit. 12438 (3) The Mercedes is paid for. 12439 (4) The check is in the mail. 12440 (5) I was just going to call you. 12441 (6) I've always worn cowboy boots. 12442 (7) I swear I won't come in your mouth. 12443 (8) Of course I'll respect you in the morning. 12444 (9) We have a really challenging assignment for you. 12445 (10) I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you. 12446% 12447The Grecians were famed for fine art, 12448And buildings and stonework so smart. 12449 They distinguished with poise 12450 The men from the boys, 12451And used crowbars to keep them apart. 12452% 12453The hacker as a mate/lover and the signs of trouble: 12454 12455-- The morning after note reads: 12456 Whiting, Barbara: 12457 I enjoyed last night. We really interfaced. You looked so cute 12458 I wanted to byte your ear. 12459-- He believes Steve Wozniak offered the Apple to Adam. 12460-- The people he tries to emulate are five years his junior. 12461-- The last straw: 12462 Once again, your date has lost all track of time debugging a new 12463 program and shows up an hour late. 12464 12465 You Don't...: 12466 Make nasty asides regarding his 5-1/4 inch floppy. 12467 You Do...: 12468 Remind him that "going down" doesn't necessarily 12469 indicate a malfunction. 12470% 12471The harder they come, the more important it is to have 12472an extra-firm mattress. 12473% 12474The honest female orgasm is three to fifteen rhythmic contractions of the 12475outer third of the vagina at .8 second intervals, which is approximately 12476the beat of "Surfing Safari" by the Beach Boys. Unless these contractions 12477occur, you can regard her groaning, moaning, clawing, kicking, begging for 12478mercy, and shouting filthy religious epithets as bargain-basement histrionics. 12479 -- John Hughes, National Lampoon 12480% 12481The honeymoon is over when a quickie before dinner refers to a short drink. 12482% 12483The hope that springs eternal 12484Springs right up your behind. 12485 -- Ian Drury, "This Is What We Find" 12486% 12487The hungover couple dawdled over a midafternoon breakfast, after a 12488particularly wild all-night party held in their fashionable apartment. 12489 "Dearest, this is rather embarrassing," said the husband, "but 12490was it you I made love to in the library last night?" 12491 His wife looked at him reflectively and then asked, "About what 12492time?" 12493% 12494The husband was disturbed by his wife's indifferent attitude towards him 12495and the marriage counselor suggested he try being more aggressive in his 12496lovemaking. 12497 "Act more like a romantic lover and less like a bored spouse," he 12498was advised. "When you go home, make love to her as soon as you meet -- 12499even if it's right inside the front door." 12500 At the next consultation, the adviser was pleased to hear that the 12501husband had followed his instructions. "And how did she react this time?" 12502the consultant asked. 12503 "Well, to tell you the truth," the husband replied, "she was still 12504sort of indifferent. But one thing I've got to admit: her bridge club went 12505absolutely wild!" 12506% 12507The husband wired home that he had been able to wind up his business trip a 12508day early and would be home on Thursday. When he walked into his apartment, 12509however, he found his wife in bed with another man. Furious, he picked up his 12510bag and stormed out. He met his mother-in-law on the street, told her what 12511had happened and announced that he was filing for divorce in the morning. 12512 "Give my daughter a chance to explain before you take any action," 12513the older woman pleaded. Reluctantly, he agreed. 12514 An hour later his mother-in-law phoned the husband at his club. 12515"I knew my daughter would have an explanation," she said, a note of triumph 12516in her voice. "She didn't receive your telegram!" 12517% 12518The Italian entry in the Eurovision Song Contest, "I Can't Get No 12519Contraception", has been withdrawn after the Pope advised them to 12520pull it out at the last minute. 12521 -- Not the Nine O'Clock News 12522% 12523The king arranged a regal marriage for his daughter -- a bond that would unite 12524two great kingdoms. Yet, because the young couple seemed so formal to each 12525other, he posted a spy outside the royal wedding chamber and demanded a full 12526account of the wedding night's progress. 12527 "It's hard to tell," said the spy the next morning. "When the prince 12528entered the chamber, I heard the princess say, quite formally, 'I offer you my 12529honor.' Then the prince said, with equal courtliness, 'I honor your offer.' 12530And that's the way it went all night long -- honor, offer, honor, offer. 12531% 12532The King named Oedipus Rex 12533Who started this fuss about sex 12534 Put the world to great pains 12535 By the spots and the stains 12536Which he made on his mother's pubex. 12537% 12538The King plugged the Queen's ass with mustard 12539To make her fuck hot, but got flustered, 12540 And cried, "Oh, my dear, 12541 I am coming, I fear, 12542But the mustard will make you come `plus tard'." 12543% 12544The kings of Peru were the Incas, 12545Who were known far and wide as great drincas. 12546 They worshiped the sun 12547 And had lots of fun, 12548But the peasants all thought they were stincas. 12549% 12550The largest gay community in the U.S. (as a percentage of total population) 12551is not in San Francisco, but in Iowa Falls, Minnesota (pop. 763), a small 12552town in which virtually everyone is gay. In 1976, a group of about 100 12553gays fleeing persecution in the South settled in the town, and soon won a 12554majority on the town council. Ordinances prohibiting heterosexual acts 12555soon followed. "After all," said mayor Harry Whalen, "If the Supreme Court 12556has refused to strike down laws prohibiting homosexual acts, then our 12557anti-straight laws are equally valid." Rigorous enforcement of those laws 12558has resulted in a community that is now almost 100% gay. Said one long-time 12559resident: "I've lived here 35 years and didn't want to leave, but I didn't 12560want to give up sex either. Then my neighbor Ed came over one night, and 12561said how about I do it with him, and my wife Millie could do it with his 12562wife. Well, I found it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was gonna be. 12563Fact is, I rather like it." 12564% 12565The lights are on, 12566but you're not home; 12567Your will 12568is not your own; 12569Your heart sweats, 12570Your teeth grind; 12571Another kiss 12572and you'll be mine... 12573 12574You like to think that you're immune to the stuff 12575(Oh Yeah!) 12576It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough; 12577You know you're gonna have to face it, 12578You're addicted to love!" 12579 -- Robert Palmer 12580% 12581The little boy pointed to two dogs in the park and asked his father what 12582they were doing. "They're making puppies, son," replied the father. 12583 That night, the boy wandered into his parents' room while they were 12584making love. Asked what they were doing, the father replied, "Making you 12585a baby brother." 12586 "Gee, Dad," the boy pleaded, "turn her over -- I'd rather have a 12587puppy." 12588% 12589The little old lady rushed into the taxidermist and unwrapped a package 12590containing two recently deceased monkeys. Her instructions to the proprietor 12591were delivered in a welter of tears. 12592 "Favorite pets... (blubber,sob)... caught cold... (moan)... Don't 12593see how I'll live without them... (weep,sob)... want to have them stuffed... 12594(blubber,blubber)!" 12595 "Of course, madam," said the proprietor in an understanding voice, 12596"and would you care to have them mounted?" 12597 "Oh, no," she sobbed, "shaking hands. They were just close friends." 12598% 12599The long-peckered Bey of Algiers 12600Loved to spear chubby lads in their rears. 12601 A demon for semen, 12602 This buffersome he-man 12603Shot the chute till it seeped from their ears. 12604% 12605The man and woman make love, attain climax, fall separate. Then she 12606whispers, "I'll tell you who I was thinking of if you tell me who you 12607were thinking of." Like most sex jokes the origins of the pleasant 12608exchange are obscure. But whatever the source, it seldom fails to evoke 12609a certain awful recognition. 12610 -- Gore Vidal, "New York Review of Books" 12611% 12612The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been 12613putting his bird in the *WRONG* bushes. 12614% 12615The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She 12616is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed. 12617 -- Norton 12618% 12619The Messiah will come. There will be a resurrection of the dead -- all 12620the things that Jews believed in before they got so damn sophisticated. 12621 -- Rabbi Meir Kahane 12622% 12623The mind is its own place, and in itself 12624Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven. 12625What matter where, if I be still the same, 12626And what I should be, all but less than he 12627Whom thunder hath made greater? here at least 12628We shall be free; the almighty hath not built 12629Here for his envy, will not drive us hence; 12630Here we may reign secure, and, in my choice, 12631To reign is worth ambition, though in Hell: 12632Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven. 12633 -- Satan, Milton's "Paradise Lost", I, 254-263 12634% 12635The more crap you put up with, the more crap you're going to get. 12636% 12637The more I learn about women, the more I love my dog. 12638% 12639The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?" 12640% 12641The most pressing issue facing women today is finding a contraceptive 12642jelly that smells like a fresh fruit salad. 12643% 12644The most romantic thing any woman ever said to me in bed was 12645"Are you sure you're not a cop?" 12646 -- Larry Brown 12647% 12648The most unfair thing about STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) is 12649that the guys who bought vasectomies have to wear condoms anyway. 12650% 12651The most unsatisfactory men are those who pride themselves on their 12652virility and regard sex as if it were some form of athletics at which 12653you win cups. It is a woman's spirit and mood which a man has to 12654stimulate in order to make sex interesting. The real lover is the 12655man who can thrill you by just touching your head or smiling into 12656your eyes - or just by staring into space. 12657 -- Marilyn Monroe 12658% 12659The mother of the year should be a sterilized woman with two 12660adopted children. 12661 -- Paul Ehrlich 12662% 12663The moving finger having writ... gestures. 12664% 12665The moyel who treated young Alec 12666Was cross-eyed and hydrocephalic. 12667 Presented the child 12668 His aim was so wild 12669He rendered the poor boy biphallic. 12670% 12671THE MX IS GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY. One important reason we have a Defense 12672Department is that when we give it money, it spends it, which creates 12673jobs, whereas if we left the money in the hands of civilians, we don't 12674know what they'd do with it. Probably put it in open trenches and set 12675it on fire. The MX will create an especially large number of jobs 12676because of the number of warheads it carries. It carries a total of 10 12677warheads. This creates a great deal of employment, because you have 12678your Warhead Makers, your Warhead Lifters, your Persons Who Tap the 12679Warheads Gently with Rubber Mallets to Wedge Them All Snugly Into the 12680Nose Cone, your Persons Who Just Walk Around Playing Soothing Cassettes 12681by Recording Artists such as Perry Como So We Don't Have Any More 12682Episodes Where a Worker Who is Experiencing Some Strain Sticks a 12683Warhead in the Employee Cafeteria Microwave and Sets It On Roast, etc. 12684We are talking about a lot of jobs. 12685 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against 12686 Political Fallout" 12687% 12688The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on 12689their wedding night and reprimanded him severely. 12690 "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at 12691the dinner table." 12692 Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair 12693and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a 12694hint of a smile. 12695 "Yes," replied the girl, "much better." 12696 "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you 12697be so kind as to please pass the pussy?" 12698% 12699The new cinematic emporium 12700Is not just a super-sensorium, 12701 But a highly effectual 12702 Heterosexual 12703Mutual masturbatorium. 12704% 12705The new priest was so nervous about performing his first mass that he could 12706hardly speak. He asked his Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor 12707replied that it might help relax him to add just a bit of vodka to the water 12708pitcher. The next Sunday, after following the Monsignor's advice, the priest 12709returned to the rectory to find a note from that worthy. 12710 12711 1. Next time sip rather than gulp. 12712 2. There are ten commandments, not 12. 12713 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 12714 4. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T". 12715 5. The recommended grace before meals is not, 12716 "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, Yaaaay, God!" 12717 6. Do not refer to our Saviour, Jesus Christ, and his 12718 Apostles as "J.C. and the Boys". 12719 7. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 12720 8. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred 12721 to as, "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook". 12722 9. It is always the Virgin Mary, never The Mary with the Cherry. 12723 10. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a 12724 Taffy-Pulling Contest at St.Peter's, not a Peter-Pulling 12725 Contest at St. Taffy's. 12726% 12727The new rooster caused a great stir in the barnyard. From resplendent comb 12728to defiant spurs, he was the picture of young bantamhood. Almost immediately 12729upon arrival, he was greeted by an elderly rooster who took him behind the 12730barn and whispered in his ear: "Young fellow, I'm long past my prime. All I 12731want now is peace and solitude. So you take over right now as ruler of the 12732roost with my blessings." 12733 The newcomer did just that. He went about his squirely duties as only 12734a young rooster could. After several days, however, the elder rooster again 12735took the young champion behind the barn. "Kid," he said, "the hens are after 12736me for giving up my position so readily. So why don't we have a race, say, 12737ten laps around the farmhouse? The winner becomes undisputed keeper of the 12738henhouse and the hens will stop nagging me." 12739 The young rooster, with only contempt for his elder, agreed. 12740Surprisingly, the older one jumped off to an early lead. His counterpart, 12741weakened by the activities of the previous week, was never quite able to 12742overtake him. As they rounded the barn for the fourth time, the elder rooster 12743maintained a formidable lead. 12744 Suddenly, a shotgun blast rang out. The young rooster fell in the 12745dust, his plumage riddled with buckshot. 12746 "Dammit, Emmy," said the farmer. "That's the last rooster we buy 12747from Ferguson. Four of 'em this month, and every one's been queer." 12748% 12749The nipples of Sarah Sarong 12750When excited are twelve inches long 12751 This embarrassed her lover 12752 Who was pained to discover 12753She expected no less of his dong 12754% 12755The notorious Duchess of Peels 12756Saw a fisherman fishing for eels. 12757 Said she, "Would you mind? -- 12758 Shove one up my behind. 12759I am anxious to know how it feels." 12760% 12761The office brown-noser named Bunky 12762Would claim he was nobody's flunky. 12763 But when the chips were all down, 12764 His proboscis was brown, 12765And there hung many strands which were gunky. 12766% 12767The old archeologist, Throstle, 12768Discovered a marvelous fossil. 12769 He knew from its bend 12770 And the knot on the end, 12771T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle. 12772% 12773The once was a man from Bombay 12774Who modeled his cunts out of clay 12775 So hot was his prick 12776 That he turned them to brick 12777And rubbed all his foreskin away. 12778% 12779The only difference between your current lover and a doorknob is 12780that a doorknob warms up when you hold it. 12781% 12782The only difference between your girlfriend 12783and a barracuda is the nail polish. 12784% 12785The only excuse for God is that he doesn't exist. 12786 -- Stendhal 12787% 12788The only psychologically damaging thing about masturbation is 12789that there's nobody else to blame later for persuading you to do it. 12790% 12791The only thing faster than the speed of light is shit flowing downhill. 12792 -- Mike O'Dell 12793% 12794The only way for writers to meet is to share a quick pee over a common 12795lamp-post. 12796 -- Cyril Connolly, "Journal and Memoir" 12797% 12798The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in 12799bed with a dead girl or a live boy. 12800 -- Edwin Edwards, Louisian governor 12801% 12802The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to 12803her if she is pretty and to someone else if she is plain. 12804 -- Oscar Wilde 12805% 12806The only way you'll ever hear from 12807me is if you're living in the same hell. 12808 -- Roy Harper 12809% 12810The operator's left hand quivered as she gingerly unlatched the 12811catch to the diskette reader. Uncontrollably, she reached down, 12812guiding the sharply pointed diskette into the deep, dark slot. 12813The floppy diskette nearly folded under the repeated thrusts of 12814her hand, until finally she could control it no longer, her right 12815hand instinctively taking an option zero. And then it all came at 12816once, thousands upon thousands of data bits flowing from diskette 12817to disk in a torrent of torrid transfer, as the helpless legs 12818of the 32 strained to remain on the floor. 12819% 12820The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me. 12821% 12822The outraged husband discovered his wife in bed with another man. 12823 "What is the meaning of this?" he demanded. "Who is this fellow?" 12824 "That seems like a fair question," said the wife, rolling over. 12825"What IS your name?" 12826% 12827The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France 12828on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an 12829acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke 12830French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word 12831the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a 12832picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a 12833ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant 12834with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After 12835dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to 12836several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious 12837evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and 12838drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and has never 12839been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business. 12840% 12841The partition of Vavasour Scowles 12842Was a sickener: they came on his bowels 12843 In a firkin; his brain 12844 Was found clogging a drain, 12845And his toes were inside of some towels. 12846 -- Edward Gorey 12847% 12848The penis mightier than the sword. 12849% 12850The perfect woman: 12851 Four feet tall, no teeth and a flat head so you can rest 12852 your drink. 12853 12854 [Pistol-grip ears? Ed.] 12855% 12856The pleasure is momentary, 12857The position ridiculous, 12858The expense damnable. 12859 -- Chesterfield, on sex 12860% 12861The pleasure is transitory, the cost 12862prohibitive, and the position ridiculous. 12863 -- Disraeli, on sex 12864% 12865The plural of spouse is spice. 12866 -- Robert A. Heinlein 12867% 12868The police were investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman 12869who had jumped from a window of his 11th story office. His voluptuous private 12870secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had 12871been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him a month ago. 12872 "After my very first week on the job," she said, "I received a 12873twenty-dollar raise. At the end of the second week he called me into his 12874private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings 12875and said, 'These are for a beautiful, efficient secretary.' At the end of the 12876third week he gave me a gorgeous mink stole. Then, this afternoon, he called me 12877into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet 12878and asked me if I would consider making love to him and what it would cost. 12879I told him I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it 12880for five dollars, although I was charging all the other boys in the office ten 12881dollars. That's when he jumped out the window." 12882% 12883The poor little doe 12884Crawled out of the woods, 12885Tired, bedraggled and blue. 12886"Look," she said, "What I did for a buck, 12887I should have asked for two!" 12888% 12889The Pope is working on a crossword puzzle one Sunday afternoon. He stops 12890for a moment, scratches his forehead, then asks a Cardinal, "Can you think 12891of a four-letter word for `woman' that ends in `u-n-t'?" 12892 "Aunt," replies the Cardinal. 12893 "Say, thanks," says the Pope. "You got an eraser?" 12894% 12895The prick of the engineer, Scott, 12896Fell off from Saturnian rot. 12897 He went to the basement 12898 And made a replacement 12899Of tungsten and plastic and snot. 12900% 12901The priest at Sunday mass noticed that Michael took a ten-dollar bill and two 12902one-dollar bills from the collection plate, instead of putting something in. 12903He thought to himself, I'd better watch out for Michael. The next week he 12904noticed the same thing. So he waited outside church when mass was over, and 12905as Michael came out, he accosted his and said, 12906 "Michael, tell me -- why did you take out a ten-dollar bill and two 12907singles two weeks in a row, instead of putting money into the collection?" 12908 Michael replied, "Father, I'm embarrassed, but I did it because I 12909wanted to go downtown for a blow job." 12910 The priest looked surprised but said to Michael, "Listen, don't do 12911that anymore. I'll be watching you from now on." 12912 When he got back to the rectory, the priest was still perplexed. 12913Finally he decided to call Mother Agatha at the convent. He said, "Mother, 12914you've been such a great friend of mine, I have a question I need to ask you. 12915What is a blow job?" 12916 Mother Agatha replied, "Oh, twelve dollars, same as downtown." 12917% 12918The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a 12919chance to prove it. 12920% 12921The problems with "Medflies" may have hurt Jerry Brown's chances to become a 12922Senator. After all, if they won't allow California fruit out of the state, 12923how is Brown going to get to Washington? 12924% 12925The public is an old woman. Let her maunder and mumble. 12926 -- Thomas Carlyle 12927% 12928The quality of a blow-job is determined by the 12929length of sheet you have to pull out of your ass. 12930% 12931The randy old Bey of Algiers 12932Who'd confined his cock-poking to queers, 12933 Tried a cunt for a change, 12934 And remarked: "It felt strange ... 12935Just think what I've missed all these years!" 12936% 12937The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have to walk around 12938in front every time you want to kiss her. 12939% 12940The real trouble with women is that they have *all* the pussy. 12941% 12942The reason big companies have lots and lots of meetings is because 12943they can't masturbate. 12944% 12945The reason Roman Catholics are allowed to use the 12946rhythm method of birth control is that it doesn't work. 12947% 12948The reason that sex is so popular is that it's centrally located. 12949% 12950The reason we need the MX missile system is that the missiles we 12951currently have in the ground are the Minuteman model, which is very 12952old. The Defense Department can't even remember where half of them 12953are. Insects have built nests in them. People have built houses 12954directly over the silos. What this means, of course, is that if we 12955ever needed them to help obliterate all human life on the planet, they 12956could be a real embarrassment. I mean, maybe YOU'RE comfortable with 12957the prospect of missiles that are supposed to represent you barging 12958over the North Pole trailing shreds of polyester carpeting from some 12959recreation room in South Dakota, but your strategic defense planners 12960are not. 12961 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against 12962 Political Fallout" 12963% 12964The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher 12965Called a girl a most elegant creature. 12966 So she laid on her back 12967 And, exposing her crack, 12968Said, "Fuck that, you old Sunday School Teacher!" 12969% 12970The REVERSE function works on the opposite SEXPR. 12971% 12972The rich man uses Vaseline, 12973 The poor man uses lard; 12974The worker uses axle grease 12975 But gets it twice as hard. 12976% 12977The romantic young man sat on the park bench with a first date. He was 12978certain his charming words and manner would win her as they had many others. 12979 "Some moon out tonight,"he cooed. 12980 "There certainly is," she agreed. 12981 "Some really bright stars in the sky." 12982 She nodded. 12983 "Some dew on the grass." 12984 "Some do," she said indignantly, "but I'm not that sort." 12985% 12986The San Francisco police are nothing if not sensitive to the mood of the 12987community. The word is that Dirty Harry has been replaced by Bitchy Gerald. 12988% 12989The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a 12990dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said, "It's my dick 12991and I can wash it as fast as I want!" 12992% 12993The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this earth. 12994 -- Diana Rigg 12995% 12996The sex life of spiders is very interesting. 12997He fucks her. 12998She bites his head off. 12999 -- From a Women's Lib Poster 13000% 13001The sex was nice, but confusing. The whole situation kept going di-polar 13002on Sta-Hi. One instant Misty would seem like a lovely warm girl who'd 13003survived a terrible injury, like a lost puppy to be stroked, a lonely 13004woman to be husbanded. But then he'd start thinking of the wires behind 13005her eyes, and he'd be screwing a machine, an inanimate object, a public 13006toilet. Just like with any other woman for him, really. 13007 -- Rudy Rucker, "Software" 13008% 13009The Shah of the Empire of Persia 13010Lay for days in a sexual merger. 13011 When the nautch asked the Shah, 13012 "Won't you ever withdraw?" 13013He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia." 13014% 13015The shy young man had been married for three months when he reported to his 13016doctor that his marriage was still in name only. The doctor, after hearing 13017the sad tale, told him that waiting until bedtime to make advances was causing 13018psychological pressure and advised him to take advantage of the next time he 13019felt in the mood. A week later, the doctor happened to meet the man again, 13020and noticed a new spring in his step. "My advice worked, I take it?" he 13021inquired. 13022 The young man grinned. "Perfectly. The other night, we were having 13023supper, and as I reached for the salt -- so did she! Our hands touched... It 13024was as if an electric current ran through us. I leaped to my feet, swept the 13025dishes from the table and then and there consummated our marriage! There's 13026just one problem, however. We can't go back to The Four Seasons again..." 13027% 13028The sight of his guests filled Lord Cray 13029At breakfast with horrid dismay, 13030 So he launched off the spoons 13031 The pits from his prunes 13032At their heads as they neared the buffet. 13033 -- Edward Gorey 13034% 13035The skater, Barbara Ann Scott 13036Is so fuckingly "winsome" a snot, 13037 That when posed on her toes 13038 She elaborately shows 13039Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat. 13040% 13041The spouse of a pretty young thing 13042Came home from the wars in the spring. 13043 He was lame but he came 13044 With his dame like a flame -- 13045A discharge is a wonderful thing. 13046% 13047The star of that X-rated hit 13048Plays a nurse with a throat full of clit. 13049 This serves as a palace 13050 For each turgid phallus-- 13051Some say that the plot is pure shit. 13052% 13053The State of California has no business subsidizing intellectual 13054curiosity. 13055 -- Ronald Reagan 13056% 13057The Stealth Condom -- they'll never see you coming. 13058% 13059The struggling for knowledge has a pleasure in it 13060like that of wrestling with a fine woman. 13061 -- Lord Halifax 13062% 13063The Sultan was peeved with his harem, 13064And cooked up a scheme for to scare'em. 13065 He caught a big mouse 13066 Which he loosed in the house. 13067(Such confusion is called harem-scarem). 13068% 13069The sun was shining brightly The breeze was blowing briskly, 13070And I could hardly wait, It made the flowers sway, 13071To ponder at my window The garden was enchanting 13072And gaze at my estate. On this inspiring day. 13073 13074My eyes fell on a little bird, I smiled at him cheerfully 13075With a beautiful yellow bill, And gave him a crust of bread, 13076I beckoned him to come and light And then I closed the window 13077Upon my window sill. And smashed his fucking head. 13078 -- "Good Morning", Debbie Smith 13079% 13080"The testes are cooler outside," 13081Said the doc to the curious bride, 13082 "For the semen must not 13083 Get too fucking hot, 13084And the bag fans your bum on the ride." 13085% 13086The three faithful things in life are money, a dog and an old woman. 13087% 13088The three most important parts of a stove: lifter, leg, and poker. 13089% 13090The three sexual positions during pregnancy. 13091 13092During the first four months: Missionary style 13093During the second four months: Doggie style 13094And during the last month: Coyote style 13095 13096Coyote style? 13097 You sit by the hole and howl. 13098% 13099The time has come for kicking ass and taking names. 13100% 13101The townspeople stood in despair as the fire that had begun in a diner 13102threatened to spread to adjoining homes. Just then, a truck filled with 13103farm workers came speeding down a hill toward the fire. The crowd moved 13104back and the truck drove right into the thickest of the flames. The workers 13105jumped out and beat at the fire with their coats, miraculously bringing the 13106blaze under control. 13107 The city fathers were so grateful for the men's heroism that they 13108gave each a plaque and $1000. After the ceremony, newsmen interviewed the 13109driver and asked him what he was going to do with the money. 13110 "You can be damned sure the first thing I'm gonna do," he replied, 13111"is get the brakes fixed on that son-of-a-bitchin' truck!" 13112% 13113The truth about a woman often lasts longer than the woman is true. 13114% 13115The two couples were enjoying their vacation together at a resort hotel. They 13116were in the middle of a game of Scrabble in the lobby when a thunderstorm cut 13117off the hotel's electricity, leaving little to do but retire to their rooms. 13118Bill was a rather devout man, so before getting into bed with his companion, 13119he said his prayers. As he got under the covers, the lightning suddenly 13120flashed through the window and he discovered that he was in the wrong room. 13121He instantly jumped up and started to dash for the hallway. "It's too late, 13122called the girl from the bed, "my guy doesn't pray." 13123% 13124The two men feigned friendship but secretly hated each other's guts and took 13125great pleasure in giving one another the needle on any and all occasions. 13126This particular evening they met, quite by accident, at a popular bar. 13127The conversation started innocently enough; then one, with sudden inspiration, 13128ran his hand over the other's bald head and exclaimed, 13129 "By God, Fred, that feels just like my wife's ass!" 13130The other ran his own hand over his head and nonchalantly retorted, 13131 "Well, I'll be damned, Jim, so it does, so it does!" 13132% 13133The two things that you should never lend out are your car 13134or your woman. Someone's bound to throw a rod in either one. 13135% 13136The Unitarians are really just a bunch of atheists who really 13137like going to church. 13138% 13139The United States Army: 13140194 years of proud service, 13141unhampered by progress. 13142% 13143The Utah version of this joke goes: 13144 One of the Council of the Twelve runs breathlessly into the Presidents' 13145office one day. The President looks up and says "Brother, what is so important 13146that you ran all the way here, losing your breath?" 13147 The Council member finally regains his breath, and says "The Savior is 13148in the lobby!!" 13149 The President immediate starts for the door, crying "It has come! The 13150prophecies are fulfilled! We are all about to be uplifted!" 13151 The Council member says "Wait! You didn't let me finish! She's... 13152black, and SHE IS PISSED!" 13153% 13154The very proper spinster didn't go out very often, but she had some important 13155shopping to do that morning and so decided to have her lunch in what appeared 13156to be a nice quiet respectable restaurant. With the noontime crowd, many 13157customers shared their tables with strangers; the spinster selected a seat 13158next to an attractive, young office girl. The girl finished her sandwich and 13159coffee, then settled back and lit up a cigarette. The older woman controlled 13160herself for a few moments and then snapped, 13161 "I'd rather commit adultery than smoke in public." 13162 "So would I," said the girl, "but I only have half an hour for lunch." 13163% 13164The wages of sin are high -- unless you know someone who does it for nothing. 13165% 13166The warden of the De Luxington preparatory school for boys was holding a 13167hearing. The lad before his desk, a very popular young fellow, was angrily 13168accusing one of his schoolmates of having assaulted him sexually. 13169 "I must warn you, m'boy, this is a very serious charge, the warden 13170said. 13171 "I don't care. I tell you it is true. He raped me, warden." The 13172youth pointed to another, somewhat larger boy smirking in the corner. 13173"That's him, sir, the one who forced me to do all those crimes against 13174nature. The bully!" 13175 "Now tell me, son, as closely as you can, when this happened." 13176 "Sir, two weeks ago on Wednesday at 4:00, then at 7:00 that same 13177evening, on Friday, twice on Saturday, two times on Monday, once on 13178Wednesday, and then he met that bitch Roy and he hasn't touched me since." 13179% 13180The whole religious complexion of the modern world is due to the 13181absence from Jerusalem of a lunatic asylum. 13182 -- Havelock Ellis 13183% 13184The whole world is about three drinks behind. 13185 -- Humphrey Bogart 13186% 13187The wife of young Richard of Limerick 13188Complained to her husband, "My quim, Rick, 13189 Still grows in diameter 13190 Each time that you ram at her; 13191How can your poor tool stay so slim, Rick?" 13192% 13193The woman who lives on the moon 13194Is still cherishing the balloon 13195 Of an earthling who'd come 13196 And given her some, 13197But had dribbled away all too soon. 13198% 13199The woman you buy -- and she is the least expensive -- takes a great 13200deal of money. The woman who gives herself takes all your time. 13201 -- Honore de Balzac 13202% 13203The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis". This is true in 13204almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people 13205have attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged 13206down in silly puns about "standing erect". 13207 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 13208% 13209The work of Mess Sergeant Potgieter 13210Is not merely reading a meter. 13211 By orders of Kirk 13212 A part of his work 13213Is dosing the food with saltpeter. 13214% 13215The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit. 13216% 13217The world is so full of a number of things, 13218I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings. 13219 I'll tell you a story-- 13220 It won't take me long-- 13221Of a brother and sister whose tale is my song. 13222 13223There was an old fellow and what do you think? 13224He lived on the cheese that he scraped from his dink. 13225 He whacked it, he hacked it, 13226 He ate it with glee- 13227Was there ever a fellow so happy as he? 13228 13229This charming old chap had a sister as well: 13230She was ugly and gaunt, with a horrible smell. 13231 Her cunt was so dirty 13232 It stank like a beast, 13233And the odor killed flies as they gathered to feast. 13234 13235What a wonderful family! What marvelous style! 13236I'll bet you and I aren't close by a mile. 13237 Their odor and diet 13238 Won't soon be forgotten, 13239And one day you and I may be equally rotten. 13240% 13241The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her 13242first visit home since starting college. 13243 "Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity 13244last weekend." 13245 "I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner 13246or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience." 13247 "Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight 13248guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore." 13249% 13250The young stud walked into a bordello. After he took his clothes off, the 13251woman was puzzled to see him put a clothespin on his nose, stuff cotton in 13252his ears, and put a prophylactic on his penis. 13253 "Hey," she asked, "what the hell are you doing?" 13254 "Well, ma'am", replied the stud, "there are two things I just can't 13255stand. A screaming woman and the smell of burning rubber." 13256% 13257Then there was the girl who was engaged 13258to a gymnast -- 'til he broke it off. 13259% 13260Then there was the girl whose boyfriend didn't smoke, drink or 13261swear, and never, ever made a pass at her. He also made his own dresses. 13262% 13263Then there was the guy that got badly messed up fighting 13264for his girl's honor. It seems she wanted to keep it. 13265% 13266Then there was the middle-aged businessman who took his spouse to Paris. 13267After traipsing with her from one mansion du couture to another, be begged 13268for a day off to rest and got it. With the wife gone shopping again, he 13269went to the Ritz Bar and picked up a luscious parisienne. They got on 13270well until the question of money came up. She wanted a hundred American 13271dollars; he offered fifty. They couldn't get together on the price; so 13272they didn't get together. That evening he escorted his wife to one of the 13273nicer restaurants on the Rue de Rivoli, and there he spotted his gorgeous 13274babe of the afternoon seated at a table near the door. 13275 "See, monsieur?" she said as they passed her. "Look what you got 13276for your lousy fifty bucks." 13277% 13278Then there was the Scot that wanted to rob a jewelry store -- he tossed a 13279brick through the show window and ran off with a king's ransom. They 13280caught him when he came back for the brick. 13281% 13282There are a couple of things about her I greatly admire. 13283% 13284There are also a lot of nice buildings in Haiphong. What their 13285contributions are to the war effort I don't know, but the desire to 13286bomb a virgin building is terrific. 13287 -- Commander Henry Urban, Jr. 13288% 13289There are Jews in the world, there are Buddhists, Every sperm is sacred, 13290there are Hindus and Mormons and then Every sperm is great, 13291there are those that follow Mohammed ...But... If a sperm is wasted, 13292I've never been one of them. God gets quite irate. 13293 13294I am a Roman Catholic Every sperm is wanted, 13295And have been since before I was born, Every sperm is good. 13296And the one thing they say about Catholics is Every sperm is needed, 13297They'll take you as soon as you're warm. In your neighborhood. 13298 13299You don't have to be a six-footer. Let the heathens spill theirs, 13300You don't have to have a great brain. On the dusty ground. 13301You don't have to have any clothes on, God shall make them pay for 13302You're a Catholic the moment Dad came Each sperm that can't be found. 13303...Because... 13304 13305Hindu, Taoist, Mormon, Every sperm is useful, 13306spill theirs just anywhere Every sperm is fine. 13307but God loves those who treat their God needs everybodies, 13308semen with more care. Mine, and mine, and mine. 13309 -- Monty Python, "Every Sperm is Sacred" 13310% 13311There are many ways to say "I love you", but fucking is the fastest. 13312% 13313There are only six Democrats in all of Hinsdale County and you, you son of 13314a bitch, you ate five of them. 13315 -- Colorado judge, sentencing Alfred E. Packer for 13316 cannibalism in 1874. 13317% 13318There are revolutions that are sweeping the world and we in America 13319have been in a position of trying to stop them. With all the wealth of 13320America, with all of the military strength of America, those 13321revolutions are revolutions against a form of political and economic 13322organization in the countries of Asia and the Middle East that are 13323oppressive. They are revolutions against feudalism. [1952] 13324 -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas 13325% 13326There are so many people wanting a piece of my ass that some of them 13327are having to take turns. 13328 -- T.K. 13329% 13330There are some things we mustn't expose, 13331So we hide them away in our clothes. 13332 Oh, it's shocking to stare 13333 At what's certainly there-- 13334But why this is so, heaven knows. 13335% 13336There are three religious truths: 133371. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 133382. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the 13339 Christian faith. 133403. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or 13341 the adult book store. 13342% 13343There are three women on the fast track in a particular company. The 13344president realizes it's time to promote one of them, but they're all so 13345competent that he's not sure which one to choose. So he devises a little 13346test. One day while they're all at lunch, he places $500 on each of their 13347desks. #1 returns it to him immediately. #2 pockets it. #3 invests 13348in the market and returns $1,500 to him in the morning. Who gets the 13349promotion? The one with the big tits! 13350% 13351There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's. 13352% 13353There are two trees in the forest. They are very proud trees. One day 13354they notice a sapling half-way between them. 13355 One tree proclaims, "That is a son of beech!" 13356 "No, that is a son of a birch!" insists the other. 13357 "A son of a BEECH!" 13358 "A son of a BIRCH!" 13359 "Son of a beech!" 13360 "Son of a birch!" 13361 13362The fighting attracts a woodpecker who informs them that he can tell what 13363kind of tree the sapling is by its taste. First he tastes the beech and 13364the birch. Then he tastes the sapling. "Well now, is that a son of a 13365beech or a son of a birch?" asks the beech. 13366 "You're both wrong!" says the bird. "That's the best piece of ash 13367I've had my pecker in for a long time!" 13368% 13369There is a definite parallel between shots of tequila and a 13370woman's breasts. One is not enough and three are too many. 13371% 13372There is a God, but He drinks. 13373 -- Blore 13374% 13375There is a new model of car being sold in San Francisco -- 13376the pervertible. The top doesn't go down, but the driver does. 13377% 13378There is a young faggot named Mose 13379Who insists that you fuck his long nose. 13380 And you'll double the joy 13381 Of this lecherous boy 13382If you'll tickle his balls with your toes. 13383% 13384There is a young lady named Aird, 13385Whose bottom is always kept bared. 13386 When asked why she pouts, 13387 She says "The Boy Scouts, 13388All beg me to please Be Prepared!" 13389% 13390There is nothing as overrated as a bad 13391lay, or as underrated as a great shit. 13392% 13393There is nothing wrong with screwing everyone in sight. 13394Boring your friends about it is the sin. 13395 -- Mama Liz 13396% 13397There once was a couple named Kelley, 13398Who lived their life belly to belly. 13399 Because in their haste 13400 They used Library Paste, 13401Instead of Petroleum Jelly. 13402% 13403There once was a feisty young terrier 13404Who liked to bite girls on the derriere. 13405 He'd yip and he'd yap, 13406 Then leap up and snap, 13407And the fairer the derriere the merrier. 13408% 13409There once was a freshman named Lin, 13410Whose tool was as thin as a pin, 13411 A virgin named Joan 13412 From a bible belt home, 13413Said, "This won't be much of a sin." 13414% 13415There once was a hacker named Ken 13416Who inherited truckloads of Yen 13417 So he built him some chicks 13418 Of silicon chips 13419And hasn't been heard from since then. 13420% 13421There once was a lady from Exeter, 13422So pretty that men craned their necks at her. 13423 One was even so brave 13424 As to take out and wave 13425The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. 13426% 13427There once was a man named Eugene 13428Who invented a screwing machine 13429 Concave and convex 13430 It served either sex 13431And it played with itself in between. 13432% 13433There once was a plumber from Leigh, 13434Who was plumbing his maid by the sea, 13435 Said she, "Please stop plumbing, 13436 I think someone's coming!" 13437Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me." 13438% 13439There once was a queen of Bulgaria 13440Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, 13441 Till a prince from Peru 13442 Who came up for a screw 13443Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier. 13444% 13445There once was a Sailor who looked through a glass 13446And spied a fair mermaid with scales on her... island. 13447Where seagulls flew over their nest. 13448She combed the long hair which hung over her... shoulders. 13449And caused her to tickle and itch. 13450The sailor cried out "There's a beautiful... mermaid. 13451A sittin' out there on the rocks." 13452The crew came a running, all grabbing their... glasses. 13453And crowded four deep to the rail. 13454All eager to share in this fine piece of... news. 13455... 13456"Throw out a line and we'll lasso her... flippers. 13457And soon we will certainly find 13458If mermaids are better before or be... brave 13459My dear fellows," The captain cried out. 13460And cursing with spleen. 13461This song may be dull, but it's certainly clean. 13462 -- "The Clean Song", Oscar Brandt 13463% 13464There once was a Scot named McAmeter 13465With a tool of prodigious diameter. 13466 It was not the size 13467 That cause such surprise; 13468'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter. 13469% 13470There was a bluestocking in Florence 13471Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents, 13472 Till a Spanish grandee, 13473 Got her off with his knee, 13474And she burned all her works with abhorrence. 13475% 13476There was a gay countess of Bray, 13477And you may think it odd when I say, 13478 That in spite of high station, 13479 Rank and education, 13480She always spelled cunt with a "k". 13481% 13482There was a man who, every day, would buy a newspaper on the way to work, 13483glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy. Day after day the 13484man would go through this routine. Finally the newsboy could not stand it 13485and he asked the man, "Why do you always buy a paper and only look at the 13486front page before discarding it?" 13487 The man replied, "I am only interested in the obituaries." 13488 "But they are on page 21. You never even unfold the newspaper." 13489 "Young man," he replied, "the son-of-a-bitch I'm looking for will 13490be on the front page." 13491 -- Attributed to FDR 13492% 13493There was a young fellow named Bliss 13494Whose sex life was strangely amiss, 13495 For even with Venus 13496 His recalcitrant penis 13497Would never do better than t 13498 h 13499 i 13500 s 13501 . 13502% 13503There was a young girl from Hong Kong 13504Whose cervical cap was a gong. 13505 She said with a yell, 13506 As a shot rang her bell, 13507"I'll give you a ding for a dong!" 13508% 13509There was a young girl named Sapphire 13510Who succumbed to her lover's desire. 13511 She said, "It's a sin, 13512 But now that it's in, 13513Could you shove it a few inches higher?" 13514% 13515There was a young girl of Angina 13516Who stretched catgut across her vagina. 13517 From the love-making frock 13518 (With the proper sized cock) 13519Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor. 13520% 13521There was a young girl of Darjeeling 13522Who could dance with such exquisite feeling 13523 There was never a sound 13524 For miles around 13525Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling. 13526% 13527There was a young lad name of Durcan 13528Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. 13529 His father said, "Durcan! 13530 Stop jerkin' your gherkin! 13531Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'." 13532% 13533There was a young lady from Maine 13534Who claimed she had men on her brain. 13535 But you knew from the view, 13536 As her abdomen grew, 13537It was not on her brain that he'd lain. 13538% 13539There was a young lady named Clair 13540Who possessed a magnificent pair; 13541 At least so I thought 13542 Till I saw one get caught 13543On a thorn, and begin losing air. 13544% 13545There was a young lady named Hall, 13546Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. 13547 The dress caught on fire 13548 And burned her entire 13549Front page, sporting section, and all. 13550% 13551There was a young lady named Twiss 13552Who said she thought fucking a bliss, 13553 For it tickled her bum 13554 And caused her to come 13555.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW 13556% 13557There was a young lady of Norway 13558Who hung by her toes in a doorway. 13559 She said to her beau 13560 "Just look at me, Joe; 13561I think I've discovered one more way." 13562% 13563There was a young man from Bel-Aire 13564Who was screwing his girl on the stair, 13565 But the banister broke, 13566 So he doubled his stroke, 13567And finished her off in mid-air. 13568% 13569There was a young man hitchhiking along a road one day. A car stopped and the 13570driver opened the door and asked, "What political party are you with?" 13571 He replied, "Why, I'm a Democrat." 13572 And the driver slammed the door and rode off. The guy was pretty 13573discouraged when another car came along, and the driver asked the same 13574question. 13575 The guy answered, "Uh, I'm a Democrat." 13576 And again, the driver slammed the door and rode off. Now he was 13577downright confused when another car came along. The driver was an attractive 13578lady, and she asked the same question. 13579 He answered: "I'm a Republican." 13580 And she answered, "Well, then, hop on in." 13581 They drove on for a few minutes when he began to notice that her 13582skirt was beginning to get hiked up on her thighs. Finally, he couldn't take 13583it any more, and said "Ma'am, stop the car and let me out. I've only been 13584a Republican for 15 minutes, and already I feel like screwing someone!" 13585% 13586There was a young man named Crockett 13587Whose balls got caught in a socket. 13588 His wife was a bitch, 13589 And she threw the switch, 13590As Crockett went off like a rocket. 13591% 13592There was a young man of Cape Horn 13593Who wished he had never been born, 13594 And he wouldn't have been 13595 If his father had seen 13596That the end of the rubber was torn. 13597% 13598There was a young man of St. John's 13599Who wanted to bugger the swans. 13600 But the loyal hall porter 13601 Said, "Pray take my daughter! 13602Those birds are reserved for the dons." 13603% 13604There was a young tenor named Springer, 13605Got his testicles caught in a wringer. 13606 He hollered in pain, 13607 As they rolled down the drain, 13608"There goes my career as a singer!" 13609% 13610There was a young whore from Kaloo 13611Who filled her vagina with glue. 13612 She said with a grin, 13613 "If they pay to get in, 13614They can pay to get out again too!" 13615% 13616There was an old man of the port 13617Whose prick was remarkably short. 13618 When he got into bed, 13619 The old woman said, 13620"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!" 13621% 13622There was an old pirate named Bates 13623Who was learning to rhumba on skates. 13624 He fell on his cutlass, 13625 Which rendered him nutless 13626And practically useless on dates. 13627% 13628There was once a newly-married couple. Now these two lovers were, well, 13629rather uptight about using expressions such as "having sex", "getting it on", 13630or "boffing the brains out". So, they decided to use the euphemism, "doing 13631the laundry" whenever the topic of sex came up. 13632 One evening, hubby said, "Well, honey, feel like doing some laundry 13633tonite?", and she consented. The next evening, hubby again asked, "Sweetie, 13634feel like doing some laundry tonite?" Well, wifey wasn't really in the mood, 13635but complied. On the third night, when hubby approached her, asking her to 13636participate in doing still MORE laundry, she replied, "Oh, Hon, I'm really not 13637in the mood for doing any laundry tonite." 13638 Well, hubby, being a bit disappointed, locked himself in the bathroom 13639and engaged in a spot of self-abuse instead. Upon returning to the living 13640room, wifey said, "Well, Poopsie, I've changed my mind -- how about doing 13641some laundry?" To which he replied, "Oh, no, that's okay, I just did a small 13642load!" 13643% 13644There was once a salesman who had an outstanding record for selling tooth- 13645brushes. His boss, wondering at his unlikely success, sent a man out to 13646follow the salesman on rounds to see what pitch he gave that brought such 13647good results. It was soon found that this particular salesman went to the 13648corner of a busy street and opened up his briefcase, and on one side was the 13649assortment of toothbrushes, and on the other side various chips and garnishes 13650and a bowl of brownish stuff. He would grab a likely customer and give them 13651the following pitch. 13652 "Good morning, ma'am, this is a commercial promotion for --- brand 13653of chip dip. Would you care to give it a try?" 13654 At that point the person would try it, then spit it out and scream 13655in utter disgust, "This tastes like shit!" 13656 The salesman would smile and say, "It is. You want to buy a 13657toothbrush?" 13658% 13659There was something about her I liked, 13660but I couldn't put my finger on it. 13661% 13662There were the Scots 13663Who kept the Sabbath 13664And everything else they could lay their hands on. 13665Then there were the Welsh 13666Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors. 13667Thirdly there were the Irish 13668Who never knew what they wanted 13669But were willing to fight for it anyway. 13670Lastly there were the English 13671Who considered themselves a self-made nation 13672Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility. 13673% 13674There's a handsome boy who tells me how I've changed his past. He buys me 13675a brandy... Could it be he's really just after my ass? 13676 -- Pete Townshend, "How Many Friends" 13677% 13678There's a tendency today to absolve individuals from moral responsibility and 13679treat them as victims of social circumstance. You buy that, you pay with your 13680soul. It's not men who limit women, it's not straights who limit gays, it's 13681not whites who limit blacks. What limits people is lack of character. What 13682limits people is that they don't have the fucking nerve or imagination to star 13683in their own movie, let alone direct it. 13684 -- Bernard Mickey Wrangle 13685% 13686There's a vas deferens between men and women. 13687% 13688There's amnesia in a hangknot, 13689And comfort in the ax, 13690But the simple way of poison will make your nerves relax. 13691 There's surcease in a gunshot, 13692 And sleep that comes from racks, 13693 But a handy draft of poison avoids the harshest tax. 13694You find rest on the hot squat, 13695Or gas can give you pax, 13696But the closest corner chemist has peace in packaged stacks. 13697 There's refuge in the church lot 13698 When you tire of facing facts, 13699 And the smoothest route is poison prescribed by kindly quacks. 13700Chorus: With an *ugh!* and a groan, and a kick of the heels, 13701 Death comes quiet, or it comes with squeals -- 13702 But the pleasantest place to find your end 13703 Is a cup of cheer from the hand of a friend. 13704 -- Jubal Harshaw, "One For The Road" 13705% 13706There's many a slurp t'wixt the tip and the zip. 13707% 13708There's more than one way to skin a cat: 13709 #15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush. 13710% 13711There's more than one way to skin a cat: 13712 #27 -- Use an electric sander. 13713% 13714There's more than one way to skin a cat: 13715 #32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker. 13716% 13717There's more than one way to skin a cat: 13718 #33 -- A bicycle pump. 13719% 13720There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter 13721and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex. 13722 -- Billy Joel 13723% 13724There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure. 13725 -- David Mairowitz 13726% 13727They ought to make butt-flavored cat food. 13728 -- Gallagher 13729% 13730They watched the sun slowly sink behind the hills, and the fiery glow on the 13731lake fade into darkness. He eyed her shadowy figure, accentuated by the moon- 13732light, as the tension from within began to fuel his animalistic desires. 13733She followed him, ever so quietly, as they sought a secluded corner in the 13734barn. Alone! At last. His hands roamed about her soft back, around to her 13735thighs, and finally caressed her budding nipples. Oh, how smooth and succulent 13736she was! "Was it so wrong?", he asked himself. No, he thought, for his 13737father had done it, as did his own father, ad infinitum. The boiling, 13738uncontrollable rage within him became unbearable. She signaled her eagerness, 13739spreading her legs, as he grasped her nipples again. Stroking, again and 13740again, longer each time. It began coming; again, again, again, again. His 13741mind raced with fear "Will it stop?". Exhausted, he lay down beside her. 13742"Dear God, what have I done?". Suddenly, his father burst in. His eyes 13743burned as he stared for what seemed an eternity. Finally, his father spoke. 13744 "Son, you ain't supposed to milk the damn cow till mornin'!" 13745% 13746This Czech walks into police station in 1968 during the Fraternal Assistance. 13747Czech: Hey, out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and 13748 took my Russian watch. 13749Desk Sergeant: Come again? 13750Czech: Right out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and 13751 took my Russian watch. 13752DS: You're confused. Why would there be a Swiss soldier here? And who 13753 would want to own a Russian watch? It was a Russian soldier who 13754 knocked you down and took your Swiss watch, right? 13755Czech: Well, maybe, but you said it, not me. 13756% 13757This fellow rushed into a crowded tavern on Saturday night. Men and women 13758stood three-deep at the bar. Our man, who felt nature calling strongly, 13759looked about him but couldn't see anything that resembled a john. He saw a 13760stairway and bounded up the steps to the second floor in his increasingly 13761desperate search. Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a 13762one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor. Now, at the end of his control, he 13763decided to take advantage of the hole. He dropped his pants, hunched over it, 13764and did his thing. Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the 13765steps to find, to his surprise, that the crowded bar was now empty. 13766 "Hey!" he yelled to the seemingly empty room, "Where is everyone?" 13767 From behind the bar a voice responded, "Hey! Where were you when 13768the shit hit the fan?" 13769% 13770This guy makes an appointment with a doctor because his hemorrhoids are 13771really bothering him. The doctor gives him some suppositories and tells 13772him to come back in a week for a checkup. "How's it going?" he asks 13773the patient a week later. 13774 "I gotta tell you the truth, Doc," said the man. "For all the 13775good these pills did me, I coulda shoved them up my ass." 13776% 13777This guy, see, was walkin' down the street sportin' two -- not one, but two 13778-- black eyes; a coupla real shiners. He chanced upon his buddy walkin' th' 13779other way... they stopped to talk... "Hey guy," sez his buddy, "where'd'ja 13780git them good lookin' shiners? Musta been a helluva fight." 13781 "Well, actually, I got them in church," sez he. 13782 "Nowwaitaminnit," sez the friend, "nobody gits black eyes in church!" 13783 "I swear I did," sez he, "and here's how it happened. We all got up 13784to sing a hymn, you see, and the fat lady in front of me got her dress all 13785stuck up in the crack of her butt, so bein' as how I'm a real gennulman an' 13786all, well, I leaned forward and pulled it out for her. And you know what? 13787She just turned around, hauled off and slugged me one!" 13788 "Well," his buddy replies, after he can talk again, "that shore 'nuff 13789explains one of 'em. Howdja git th' other one?" 13790 "Well," sez he, "like I said, I'm a gennulman, even when somebody does 13791me wrong, so when I saw she didn't like it like that, I stuck it back in." 13792% 13793This guy walks into a bank and up to a female bank teller: 13794 13795Man: "I want to open a fuckin' savings account." 13796Teller: "Excuse me, sir?" 13797M: "Listen, bitch, I want to open a fuckin' savings account." 13798T: "Sir, I don't have to listen to this abusive language." 13799M: "LOOK! I just want to open a fuckin' savings account." 13800T: "Sir, you leave me no choice but to speak to the manager." 13801 13802The teller walks over and explains the customer's rude behavior to the bank 13803manager who then accompanies her back to the teller booth. 13804 13805Mgr: "Can I help you, sir?" 13806M: "I want to open a fuckin' savings account." 13807Mgr: "Please, sir, we'll be delighted to help you, but we must request 13808 that you not use abusive language to our tellers." 13809M: "Look. I just won $25 million in the state lottery and I want to 13810 open a fuckin' savings account!" 13811Mgr: "I see. And has this cunt been giving you any trouble?" 13812% 13813This guy was screwing his neighbors wife when a car pulls into the drive. 13814"My husband!" she screams. He panics and jumps out the window. He finds 13815himself on the street, naked, under cloudy skies. There is no place to hide 13816except in a crowd of joggers. As he runs along, a woman looks over and says, 13817 "Do you always jog in the nude?" 13818 "Yes ma'am!" he replies. 13819 "Does it always result in that kind of sexual excitement?" she asks. 13820 "Yes ma'am!" he replies. 13821 "Do you always wear a condom?" 13822 "Only when it rains, lady. Only when it rains." 13823% 13824This here's the wattle 13825The emblem of our land 13826You can stick it in a bottle 13827Or you can hold it in your hand. 13828 -- Monty Python 13829% 13830This hot and dusty cowboy rode in from the mesa, filthy and exhausted. He 13831obviously had had nothing but his horse for company for a couple of weeks 13832and was looking forward to a couple of cold beers in the saloon. Swinging 13833off his horse and hitching it to the rail, the cowboy gave his horse an 13834affectionate slap on the neck. Then he astonished an old cowhand lounging 13835on the porch by moving around to the horse's hindquarters, lifting up its 13836tail and planting a demure kiss on its asshole. 13837 "What'd you do that for?" asked the cowhand, completely repulsed. 13838 "Chapped lips," said the cowboy, heading for the saloon doors. 13839 "Wait a minute," said the old guy. "Whaddaya mean, chapped lips?" 13840 "Keeps ya from lickin' 'em," explained the cowboy. 13841% 13842This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an 13843actual emergency, you would have known it! 13844% 13845This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week. 13846% 13847This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. So I'll put 13848"di-dah" for the filthy words: 13849 13850 Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah, 13851 Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah; 13852 Di-dah di-dah di-dah? 13853 Di-dah di-dah di-dah. 13854 Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck. 13855% 13856This story concerns a man who, after putting his son to bed each night, would 13857stand by his boy's door and listen to his son saying his prayers. One night, 13858the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Granddad, who won't be 13859with us much longer." The man thought this was rather curious, but passed it 13860off as childish whimsy. The next day, however, he received a call from his 13861mother, informing him that his father had passed away early that morning. 13862During the next few weeks, he listened particularly closely to his son's 13863prayers, but noticed nothing unusual. Then, one night, the boy ended his 13864prayers with, "God specially bless Grandmom, who won't be with us much longer." 13865Although the shock of the original incident had worn off during the intervening 13866weeks, he nonetheless phoned his mother to inquire as to her health. He went to 13867bed reassured, only to be awakened in the night by his sister calling with the 13868news that their mother had died suddenly in the night. The father had a series 13869of psychological tests done; nothing unusual was uncovered. About a month 13870later, the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Daddy, who won't 13871be with us much longer." The man was panic-stricken, certain that he was 13872going to die during the night. He resolved to stay awake all night; if awake 13873and alert he should be able to prevent any tragedy. Morning came. Breathing 13874a huge sigh of relief, he went to get the paper off the porch. There, lying 13875dead on the doorstep, was the milkman. 13876% 13877This system goes down more often than a two-dollar whore. 13878% 13879This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management 13880personnel to various situations. 13881 13882You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives 13883in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchilada casserole and 13884egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure. 13885Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass 13886bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out. 13887 13888YOU SHOULD: 13889 13890(a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away. 13891(b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense. 13892(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better. 13893% 13894This time it's for love; next time it's $100.00. 13895% 13896THORNY: 13897 A thailor at thea. 13898% 13899Thou shalt not omit adultery. 13900% 13901Thought: 13902 Girls get minks the same way minks get minks! 13903% 13904Three fine Irish lads, O'Rourke, O'Malley and O'Donnell, worked together at 13905the local brewery. One day, as fate would have it, O'Rourke fell into one 13906of the beer vats and drowned. O'Malley and O'Donnell, completely crestfallen, 13907had to break the news to his wife. 13908 They went 'round the Widow O'Rourke's house and informed her that her 13909poor dear Patrick had drowned in a beer vat that very day. Choking back her 13910tears, she asked them "Tell me now, did me poor Patty suffer much?" 13911 "I don't think so," replied O'Donnell. "He climbed out twice to take 13912a piss." 13913% 13914Three gay guys were discussing what they thought their favorite sport would 13915be. The first decides on football, 'cause of all those gorgeous guys bending 13916over in their tight pants. 13917 "Definitely wrestling," sighs the second guy. "Those skimpy little 13918costumes, and think of the holds." 13919 "Definitely baseball," says the third guy. "Why? Well, I'd be 13920pitching with the bases loaded, the batter would hit a savage one-hopper 13921right to me, I'd catch it, and I'd just stand there while the other guys 13922rounded the bases. Meanwhile, the crowd would be going crazy, screaming, 13923`Throw the ball, you cocksucker!' and that's what I like -- recognition!" 13924% 13925Three minutes of serious sex and I need eight hours of sleep and 13926a bowl of Wheaties. 13927 -- Richard Pryor 13928% 13929Three things have been difficult to tame: The oceans, fools, 13930and women. We may soon be able to tame the ocean. Fools and 13931women will take a little longer. 13932 -- Spiro Agnew 13933% 13934Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, 13935however, the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is, except 13936for Laurie's. Laurie never seems to have her laundry out when it rains. 13937 So, one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes 13938on the line when one of the women says to Laurie, "Laurie, how come it 13939never rains when you have your laundry out?" 13940 "Well," replies Laurie, "when I wake up in the morning, I check out 13941my husband Paul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's 13942going to be a great day. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know 13943it might rain. I don't know why it works, but he's never been wrong!" 13944 "Laurie, what if he has an erection?" asks the other woman. 13945 "Honey, on a day like *that*, you don't do the *laundry*." 13946% 13947Three young women were attending the same logic class given at one of the 13948better universities. During a lecture the professor stated that he was 13949going to test their ability at situation reasoning. 13950 "Let us assume," said the prof, "that you are aboard a small craft 13951alone in the Pacific, and you spot a vessel approaching you with several 13952sex-starved sailors on board. What would you do in this situation to avoid 13953the problem?" 13954 "I would attempt to turn my craft in the opposite direction and 13955flee," said the first girl. 13956 "I would pass them, and hope that I could fend them off," responded 13957the second woman. 13958 "Frankly," murmured the third woman, "I understand the situation, 13959but I fail to see the problem." 13960% 13961Three-bag ugly, adj.: 13962 That's when you put one bag over her head, one bag over your 13963 head in case her's falls off, and one over the dog's to keep 13964 it from howling. 13965 13966Four-bag ugly, adj.: 13967 When you leave a bag by the door in case someone drops by. 13968% 13969Through a major bureaucratic error, you are made county coroner. 13970You seriously consider the job because it gives you: 13971 13972 1: Lots of unclaimed wedding rings and watches. 13973 2: Lots of gold fillings and bridges. 13974 3: Free blood. 13975 4: A constantly changing array of new friends who aren't at 13976 all stuffy about what happens to their genitalia. 13977% 13978Tim and I a hunting went 13979We found three damsels in a tent, 13980As they were three, and we were two, 13981I bucked one and Timbuktu. 13982 -- the only known poem using the word "Timbuktu" 13983% 13984To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature. 13985% 13986To be the kind of girl designed to be kissed between the thighs. 13987% 13988To win a woman in the first place one must please her, then undress her, and 13989then somehow get her clothes back on her. Finally, so she will allow you 13990to leave her, you've got to annoy her. 13991 -- Jean Giraudoux, "Amphitryon 38" 13992% 13993Today is gonna be one helluva week! 13994% 13995Today's title: 13996 Creative Violence in Sexual Relationships 13997% 13998"Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad 13999name." 14000 -- Gore Vidal 14001% 14002Tonight's piss is tomorrow's Tang. 14003 -- An American astronaut 14004% 14005Tourist, n.: 14006 A pretty girl in Oklahoma. 14007% 14008Tourist to New Yorker: 14009 "Pardon me, sir, do you know what time it is, or should I 14010 just go fuck myself?" 14011% 14012Transvestite, n.: 14013 Someone who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary. 14014% 14015Tri Delts; everyone else has. 14016% 14017TRUST: 14018 Two cannibals having oral sex. 14019% 14020Trust me: 14021 Los Angeles for "Fuck you, your mother, and the horse 14022 she rode in on." 14023% 14024T-shirt of the Day: 14025 Head for the Mountains 14026 -- courtesy Anheuser-Busch beer 14027 14028Followup T-shirt of the Day (on the same scenic background): 14029 If you liked the mountains, head for the Busch! 14030 -- courtesy someone else 14031% 14032T-shirt of the Day: 14033 14034 See Dick Drink... 14035 See Dick Drive... 14036 See Dick Die. 14037 DON'T BE A DICK. 14038% 14039T-shirt of the Week: 14040 I'm not excited, I'm cold! 14041% 14042'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod And as in raffish thought he sprawled, 14043Did groove and trip out at the pad: The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt, 14044All whimsy were the slamming chicks, Crept past the hippies getting balled 14045And the Radcliffe undergrad. And doffed her miniskirt. 14046 14047"Beware the Radcliffe girl, my son! One, two! One, two! And through 14048The looks that melt, the claws that and through 14049 catch! The venerable staff went snicker-snack! 14050Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun He left her bred, sans maidenhead, 14051The uppity Wellesleysnatch!" And went galumphing back. 14052 14053He took his venerable staff in hand: "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl? 14054Long time the cool young stuff he Come to my arms, my horny boy! 14055 sought -- O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!" 14056So rested he among the spree He cackled in his joy. 14057And paused to smoke some pot. 14058 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod 14059 Did groove and trip out at the pad: 14060 All whimsy were the slamming chicks, 14061 And the Radcliffe undergrad. 14062% 14063'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod 14064Did groove and trip out at the pad: "Beware the Radcliff girl, my son! 14065All whimsy were the slamming chicks, The looks that mell, the claws that 14066And the Radcliffe undergrad. catch! 14067 Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun 14068He took his venerable staff in hand: The uppity Wellesleysnatch!" 14069Long time the cool young stuff he 14070 sought -- And as in raffish thought he sprawled, 14071So rested he among the spree The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt, 14072And paused to smoke some pot. Crept past the hippies getting balled 14073 And doffed her miniskirt. 14074One, two! One, two! And through 14075 and through "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl? 14076The venerable staff went snicker-snack! Come to my arms, my horny boy! 14077He left her bred, sans maidenhead, O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!" 14078And went galumphing back. He cackled in his joy. 14079 14080'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod 14081Did groove and trip out at the pad: 14082All whimsy were the slamming chicks, 14083And the Radcliffe undergrad. 14084% 14085Twenty years of romance make a woman look like a ruin; but 14086twenty years of marriage make her something like a public building. 14087 -- Wilde 14088% 14089Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time. 14090The Italian boy's father presents him with a brand-new pistol. On the other 14091side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold 14092watch. 14093 The next day, in school, the two boys are showing each other what 14094they got. It turns out that each boy likes the other's present better, and 14095so they trade. 14096 That night, the Italian boy is at home and his father sees him 14097looking at his new watch. "Where did you getta thatta watch?" he asks. 14098 The boy explains the trade, and the father blows his top. "Whatta 14099you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you!" 14100 "Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day 14101you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta 14102you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and say, `How longa you gonna be?'" 14103% 14104Two gentlemen met at the club after a long absence and talked. 14105 "Did you hear about Chumley?", one asked. 14106 "No, old man, what about him?" 14107 "Last seen in Africa, you know." 14108 "No, I didn't." 14109 "Yes. Appalling. Ran off with a gorilla. Fallen in love." 14110 "Queer." 14111 "Not Chumley. Female gorilla." 14112% 14113Two golfers were being held up as the twosome of women in front of them 14114whiffed shots, hunted for lost balls and stood over putts for what seemed 14115like hours. 14116 "I'll ask if we can play through," Bill said as he strode toward 14117the women. Twenty yards from the green, however, he turned on his heel 14118and went back to where his companion was waiting. 14119 "Can't do it," he explained, sheepishly. "One of them's my wife 14120and the other's my mistress!" 14121 "I'll ask," said Jim. He started off, only to turn and come back 14122before reaching the green. 14123 "What's wrong?" Bill asked. 14124 "Small world, isn't it?" 14125% 14126Two men and a woman were stranded on a desert island - 14127 14128Two weeks later, the woman was so ashamed of what she 14129had been doing, she committed suicide. 14130 14131Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they 14132had been doing, they buried her. 14133 14134Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they 14135had been doing, they dug her back up. 14136% 14137Two men, both close to retirement, are working on the assembly line. One 14138boasts to the other, "Last night I made love to my wife *three* times!" 14139 "Three times!", replies his friend. "How did you do it?" 14140 "Well," says the first man, "I made love to my wife and set the 14141alarm clock for two hours later. When it went off we made love again. 14142Then, I reset it for the morning and we made love once more before I came 14143to work. I feel like a bull!" 14144 His friend says, "Well, that *is* fantastic! I'm going to have 14145to give it a try." So, he goes home that night and makes love to his 14146wife. Figuring he doesn't need to set the alarm clock, he settles off 14147to sleep. Waking up a few hours later, he nudges his wife and they make love 14148again. Waking up in the morning he makes love to his wife for the third 14149time. Looking over at the clock he realizes that he's twenty minutes late 14150for work. He throws on his clothes and runs down to the subway. When 14151he gets to the factory his boss is standing there waiting. 14152 "Frank", he says, "I've been working for you for 18 years, and I've 14153never been late before. You've got to forgive me twenty minutes this once!" 14154 "Well," replies his boss, "okay, but it's not the twenty minutes 14155that had me worried. Where were you Tuesday, where were you Wednesday..." 14156% 14157Two men were standing around talking while nearby a large German Shepherd 14158lay licking his balls. One man says to the other, "Damn, I wish I could 14159do that." 14160 The other man replies, "Well, it's okay by me, but I think you 14161ought to get to know him a little first." 14162% 14163Two midgets arrived at the convent door and asked to speak with the Mother 14164Superior. Led into her office, the first one asked respectfully "Excuse 14165me, your holiness, but are there any midget nuns in this convent?" 14166 Receiving a reply to the negative, he asked whether any midget 14167nuns were to be found in any of the neighboring parish. Again the reply 14168was no. 14169 The tiny man scratched his head and posed a final question. "Beggin' 14170your pardon, Mother Superior, but would you know of *any* midget nuns at 14171all, anywhere?" The nun shook her head. 14172 At which the first midget turned to the second midget, put his hand 14173on his shoulder, and said, "You see, I told you you fucked a penguin!" 14174% 14175Two nuns, a mother superior and a new nun, are walking home one night from 14176church when they are attacked by two vicious rapists. The two men drag the 14177nuns off into the bushes and proceed to have their way with them. The mother 14178superior is very afraid, but she knows that God will protect her. To show her 14179strength and trust in God she yells out "Forgive him Father, for he knows not 14180what he does!" 14181 To which the young nun replies "Oooooh, mine does!!" 14182% 14183Two old men are walking down the boardwalk when one of them tells the other 14184that he has to leave, his wife is expecting him to come home and make love 14185with her. 14186 The other man is astonished. "Make love to your wife? You're as old 14187as I am! Nearly eighty years old! What do you mean you have to go home and 14188make love to your wife?" 14189 The first man smiles and says, "We have a *great* sex life. We make 14190love every day." 14191 "You're kidding!" says his friend. "How do you do it?" 14192 "Pumpernickel bread. That's the secret." And he dashes off home. 14193 The other man starts to walk home. "Hmmm," he thinks to himself 14194pumpernickel bread. Well, it's worth a try." So he goes into a nearby 14195bakery. 14196 Going up to the woman at the counter, he asks for their entire stock 14197of pumpernickel bread. The woman stares at him in astonishment. "You want 14198all the pumpernickel bread we have? Are you sure? Don't you know that it 14199will get hard?" 14200 "How come," demands the man, "everybody knows about this but me?" 14201% 14202Two Peace Corp. doctors who had just returned to a stateside hospital 14203were in front of the main desk in the midst of a heated argument that 14204went along these lines: 14205 (1st doctor) "No, no, no! It's 'waaaahmmmb'" 14206 (2nd doctor) "No you're wrong! It's 'woooooommmb'" 14207and this continued for quite sometime. 14208 Finally a nurse stepped in and said: "The correct pronunciation is 14209'womb'" and trotted off. 14210 (1st doctor) "That shows you what she knows." 14211 (2nd doctor) "Yeah. I bet she's never even SEEN a hippopotamus, 14212let alone heard one fart underwater." 14213% 14214Two pirates are sitting in a seaside tavern, talking. One of them has a 14215hook instead of a hand, and an eye patch. The other pirate has a wooden 14216leg. Over a few beers, they start to tell each other how they received their 14217injuries. 14218 "One day," says the first pirate, "we had pulled alongside a merchant 14219vessel and were boarding her. I had my sword drawn when suddenly a man with 14220a saber caught me by surprise and cut my hand off. So I had this hook put 14221on. How did you lose your leg?" 14222 "From a broadside of grapeshot from an English military vessel, in a 14223terrific battle off the coast of France. And how about your eye?" 14224 "Well, I don't really like to talk about it," said the first pirate. 14225 "Come on," says the second pirate. "It doesn't matter after all 14226these years, does it?" 14227 "Oh, okay," says the first pirate. "See, it's pretty embarrassing; 14228a seagull shit in my eye." 14229 "A seagull!? I can see how that would hurt, but I don't see why 14230you would *lose* the eye..." 14231 "But," the first pirate says, "it was my first day with the hook." 14232% 14233Two recent emigrants to the United States, on their first day off the boat 14234in New York City, spied a hotdog vendor. "Do they eat dogs in America?" 14235one asked his companion. 14236 "I don't know." 14237 "Well, if we're going to live in America, we have to learn to eat 14238American foods." 14239 So they each bought a wax paper wrapped hotdog and sat down to eat 14240them on a nearby park bench. One man looked inside his wax paper, then over 14241at the other man, and asked, "So, what part did you get?" 14242% 14243Two women are talking; one says to the other, "Say, weren't you dating that 14244cute French horn player? What ever happened to him?" 14245 "Well," replies her friend, we're still seeing each other, but, 14246I must admit, we've had some problems." 14247 "Problems? What's wrong?" 14248 "You see," says the second woman, "every time he kisses me, he 14249wants to shove his fist up my ass." 14250% 14251Two young men seated in a restaurant were watching a customer busily 14252disposing of a plate of oysters on the half shell. One of the young 14253men remarked to his friend, 14254 "Did you ever hear that business about raw oysters being 14255good for a man's virility?" 14256 "Yes, why?" the friend replied. 14257 "Well, take it from me, that's a lot of foolishness. I ate a 14258dozen of them the other night, and only nine worked." 14259% 14260Un moine au milieu de la messe A monk in the middle of mass 14261S'eleva et cria en detresse; Stood up and cried out in distress; 14262 "La vie religieuse, "The religious life 14263 C'est sale et affreuse," Is dirty and horrid," 14264Et se poignarda dans les fesses. And stabbed himself in the ass. 14265 -- Edward Gorey 14266% 14267Uncle Sam comes off as the perverted relative who'll offer you a 14268bit of candy, but if you won't bend over for him, you get a beating. 14269% 14270Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the 14271opposite. 14272 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 14273% 14274Unitarians pray "To whom it may concern". 14275% 14276Unix programmers do it with pipes. 14277% 14278Upon leaving a hotel bar one evening, an executive noticed a drunk sitting 14279on the edge of a potted palm in the lobby, crying like a baby. Because he'd 14280had a couple himself that night, and was feeling rather sorry for his fellow 14281man, he asked the inebriated one what the trouble was. 14282 "I did a terrible thing tonight," sniffled the drunk. "I sold my 14283wife to a guy for a bottle of Scotch." 14284 "That is terrible," said the man, too much under the weather to 14285muster any real indignation. "And now that she's gone, you wish you had her 14286back." 14287 "Thas right," said the drunk, still sniffling. 14288 "You're sorry you sold her, because you realize too late that you 14289love her," sympathized the executive. 14290 "No, no," said the drunk. "I wish I had her back because I'm 14291thirsty again." 14292% 14293Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid 14294or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth 14295noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon. 14296 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson 14297% 14298U.S. of A.: 14299 "Don't speak to the bus driver." 14300Germany: 14301 "It is strictly forbidden for passengers to speak to the driver." 14302England: 14303 "You are requested to refrain from speaking to the driver." 14304Scotland: 14305 "What have you got to gain by speaking to the driver?" 14306Italy: 14307 "Don't answer the driver." 14308% 14309Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran: 14310 14311AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN. 14312 Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun. 14313 14314FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR. 14315 I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down 14316 on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart. 14317 14318SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH QEH GOFTEH BANDE. 14319 I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life. 14320% 14321Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran: 14322 14323AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST. 14324 It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to 14325 travel in the trunk of your car. 14326 14327FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO 14328GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHVAREHMAN. 14329 If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital 14330 appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my 14331 country in public. 14332 14333KHREL, JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEH AMRIKAHEY. 14334 I will tell you the names and addresses of 14335 many American spies traveling as reporters. 14336% 14337Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran: 14338 14339MAMNOUNAN GHORBAN IN DAFAYEH MEEMUNAM. 14340 It is with greatest pleasure that I sign 14341 this confession of capital crimes. 14342 14343MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GHORBAN. 14344 The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency. 14345 14346TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM. 14347 The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. 14348 I must have the recipe. 14349 14350ETEHFOR'AN, DEHRATEE, OTAGEH SHOMA MIKRASTAM KHE 14351DO HAFTAEH BA BODANEH SHEEREEL TEEGZ. 14352 Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed 14353 self than spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs. 14354% 14355USENET is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- 14356massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and 14357a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least 14358expect it. 14359 -- Gene Spafford 14360% 14361User friendly software searching for friendly Hardware to interface with. 14362Hardware may present itself in floppy format as software has capability to 14363upgrading same to full size firm. Size is not all that important; but byte 14364sized bandwidth required -- header width is of more concern. Joystick should 14365be able to toggle in different speeds and for some duration. Software is 14366looking for system willing to perform intensive manipulation of keyboard as 14367well as preparing the mainframe and disk drives. Fingering of all files 14368permitted, and encouraged, before thrusting joystick into drive. Software 14369is programmed not to copy; there is no need for removing joystick before 14370completed execution of program. Program may be run several times per day... 14371especially if special features and options are utilized. 14372% 14373Vagina, n.: 14374 The box a penis comes in. 14375% 14376Vaginal lubricant, n.: 14377 A slitty slicker. 14378% 14379Vandalism On The Upswing! 14380 Last night, windows were broken and graffiti was sprayed over the 14381 front of the local sex shop, Le Sex Boutique, causing several hundred 14382 dollars in damage. In a later anonymous phone call, the provisional 14383 wing of the Salvation Army claimed responsibility. 14384% 14385Vatican upholds ban on contraceptives: "To heir is humane," claims the Pope. 14386% 14387VD, n.: 14388 The gift that keeps on giving. 14389% 14390Vegetarians for oral sex -- "The only meat that's fit to eat" 14391% 14392Very few modern women either like or desire marriage, especially after the 14393ceremony has been performed. Primarily women wish attention and affection. 14394Matrimony is something they accept when there is no alternative. Really, 14395it is a waste of time, and hazardous, to marry them. It leaves one open 14396to a rival. Husbands, good or bad, always have rivals. Lovers, never. 14397 -- Helen Lawrenson, "Esquire" 14398% 14399Vidi, vici, veni. 14400(I saw, I conquered, I came.) 14401% 14402Viennese Oyster: Lady who can cross her feet behind her head, lying on her 14403back, of course. When she has done so, you hold her tightly round each instep 14404with your full hand and squeeze, lying on her full-length. Don't try to put 14405an unsupple partner into this position -- it can't be achieved by brute force. 14406You can get a very similar sensation -- unique rocking pelvic movement -- with 14407less expertise if she crosses her ankles on her tummy, knees to shoulders, and 14408you lie on her crossed ankles with your full weight. Why "Viennese" we don't 14409know. Tolerable for short periods only but gives tremendous genital pressure 14410for both. 14411 -- The Joy of Sex 14412% 14413Virgin, n.: 14414 An ugly third grader. 14415% 14416Virginity is a bubble on the sea of life, 14417which takes but one prick to break. 14418 -- Jordan Sand 14419% 14420VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sep. 22) 14421 Get it in writing. Be careful. You are surrounded by lechers and 14422 assholes; birds of a feather flock together. Trust no one. People 14423 will not be offended, because they've come to recognize you for the 14424 paranoid neurotic that you are. Your dentures are loose. 14425% 14426Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me obtain a 14427divorce. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with." 14428 What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge 14429in unusual sex practices?" 14430 "No, he doesn't," replied the woman, "and neither does the little 14431queer." 14432% 14433W. Lafayette may not be the asshole of the universe... 14434 but you sure as hell can see it from there! 14435% 14436Waldheimers disease is what you have when you can't remember you were a Nazi. 14437% 14438War is menstruation envy. 14439% 14440Was it you that did the pushin', 14441Left the stains upon the cushion, 14442The footprints on the dashboard upside-down? 14443Was it you, you little pecker, 14444That got into my Rebecca, 14445If you did, you'd better leave this town! 14446 14447Yes, 'twas I that did the pushin', 14448Left the stains upon the cushion, 14449Footprints on the dashboard upside-down. 14450But since I stuck your daughter, 14451I've had trouble passin' water, 14452So I guess we're kind of even all around! 14453% 14454WASP, n.: 14455 Someone who gets out of the shower to take a piss. 14456% 14457Watch out for a cold wave this week. (Or maybe a warm WAC.) 14458% 14459Watching girls go passing by 14460It ain't the latest thing 14461I'm just standing in a doorway 14462I'm just trying to make some sense 14463Out of these girls passing by A smile relieves the heart that grieves 14464The tales they tell of men Remember what I said 14465I'm not waiting on a lady I'm not waiting on a lady 14466I'm just waiting on a friend I'm just waiting on a friend 14467... 14468Don't need a whore 14469Don't need no booze 14470Don't need a virgin priest Ooh, making love and breaking hearts 14471But I need someone I can cry to It is a game for youth 14472I need someone to protect But I'm not waiting on a lady 14473 I'm just waiting on a friend 14474 I'm just waiting on a friend 14475 -- Rolling Stones, "Waiting on a Friend" 14476% 14477Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish fuck in it. 14478 -- W. C. Fields 14479% 14480We ... make the modern error of dignifying the Individual. We do everything 14481we can to butter him up. We give him a name, assure him that he has certain 14482inalienable rights, educate him, let him pass on his name to his brats and 14483when he dies we give him a special hole in the ground ... But after all, he's 14484only a seed, a bloom and a withering stalk among pressing billions. Your 14485Individual is a pretty disgusting, vain, lewd little bastard ... By God, 14486he has only one right guaranteed him in Nature, and that is the right to die 14487and stink to Heaven. 14488 -- Ross Lockridge, quoted in "Short Lives" by Katinka Matson 14489% 14490We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb 14491your cities. 14492 -- Robin Williams 14493% 14494We are upping our standards ... so up yours. 14495 -- Pat Paulsen for President 14496% 14497We aren't what we eat. We are what we don't shit. 14498 -- Hugh Romney 14499% 14500We boggies are a hairy folk Ever hungry, ever thirsting, 14501Who like to eat until we choke. Never stop till belly's bursting. 14502Loving all like friend and brother, Chewing chop and pork and muttons, 14503And hardly ever eat each other. A merry race of boring gluttons. 14504 14505Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE. 14506 14507Boggies gather 'round the table, Anything edible, we've got dibs on, 14508Eat as much as you are able. And hope we all die with our bibs on. 14509Gorge yourselves from moon till noon Ever gay, we'll never grow up, 14510(Don't forget your plate and spoon.) Come! And sing and play and throw-up! 14511 14512Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE! 14513 -- Bored of the Rings, "The Hobbits National Anthem" 14514% 14515We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid. 14516% 14517We came, we saw, we kicked its ass! 14518 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" 14519% 14520We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at 14521hand. 14522 -- James Watt 14523% 14524We drove to the hotel and said goodbye. How hypocritical to go upstairs 14525with a man you don't want to fuck, leave the one you do sitting there alone, 14526and then, in a state of great excitement, fuck the one you don't want to 14527fuck while pretending he's the one you do. That's called fidelity. That's 14528called civilization and its discontents. 14529 -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying" 14530% 14531We must! We must! 14532We must increase our bust! 14533The bigger the better! 14534The tighter the sweater! 14535And the boys will think more of us! 14536% 14537We sailed on the good ship Venus, 14538My God, you should have seen us 14539 With a figurehead 14540 Of a whore in bed 14541And the mast an upright penis 14542 14543The captain of the lugger 14544Was known as a filthy bugger 14545 Declared unfit 14546 To shovel shit 14547From one ship to another 14548 14549The first mate's name was Cooper, 14550By god he was a trooper 14551 He jerked and jerked 14552 Until he worked 14553Himself into a stupor 14554 14555The cabin boy was chipper, 14556A dandy little nipper 14557 He shoved cracked glass 14558 Inside his ass 14559And circumcised the skipper 14560 14561The captain's wife was Charlotte, 14562Born and bred a harlot 14563 Her thighs at night 14564 Were lily white 14565By morning they were scarlet 14566 14567The captain's youngest daughter 14568Slipped into the water 14569 Her plaintive squeals 14570 Announced that eels 14571Had found her sexual quarter 14572 14573The ship's dog's name was Rover, 14574They turned the poor beast over 14575 And ground and ground 14576 That faithful hound 14577From Tenerief to Dover 14578% 14579We should declare war on North Vietnam. We could pave the whole 14580country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas. 14581 -- Ronald Reagan 14582% 14583We took some pictures of the girls, but they weren't developed. 14584 -- Groucho Marx 14585% 14586We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids, 14587Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods, 14588I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids, 14589And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me! 14590(chorus) (chorus) 14591 14592In the church of Aphrodite, 14593The priestess wears a see through nightie, 14594She's a mighty righteous sightie, 14595And she's good enough for me! 14596(chorus) 14597 14598CHORUS: Give me that old time religion, 14599 Give me that old time religion, 14600 Give me that old time religion, 14601 'Cause it's good enough for me! 14602% 14603Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends! 14604We're so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside! 14605There behind the glass there's a real blade of grass, 14606Be careful as you pass, move along, move along. 14607Come inside, the show's about to start, 14608Guaranteed to blow your head apart. 14609Rest assured, you'll get your money's worth, 14610Greatest show, in heaven, hell or earth! 14611You gotta see the show! It's a dynamo! 14612You gotta see the show! It's rock 'n' roll! 14613 -- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2) 14614% 14615Welcome to Fortune Blackmail!! 14616 Ms. Kat****** Bl****an is the mistress of a well-known 14617 banker in Houston, Texas. That's $5000, please, to stop 14618 us from revealing both of your names, Mr. L*****, so that 14619 your wife Doreen, and your lovely children Diane, Janice 14620 and Tom need never know the name of your mistress. You 14621 have two days to reach us at: 14622 14623 Fortune Blackmail 14624 Behind the hot water pipes, 14625 Third stall from the end, 14626 Greyhound Bus Terminal, Fayette MO. 14627% 14628Welcome to Fortune Blackmail!! 14629 This is the first of a series of revelations which could 14630 add up to a divorce, premature retirement and possible 14631 criminal proceedings for a company vice-president in Langley Virginia. 14632 So, Mr. S*****, $10,000 please to stop us from revealing: 14633 1: Whose shoulders you were sitting on. 14634 2: What you were doing. 14635 3: The names of the three people involved. 14636 4: The youth organization to which they belonged. 14637 5: The shop where you bought the equipment. 14638% 14639Well, actually, I don't mind going to weddings or anything, as long as they're 14640not my own, I show up, but uh, I've always kinda been partial to callin' myself 14641up on the phone, asking myself out, y'know, yeah, one thing about it, you're 14642always around. Yeah, I know, yeah, you ask yourself out, y'know, some class 14643joint somewhere, the Burrito King, or somethin', y'know, well, I ain't cheap 14644y'know. Take yourself out for a coupla drinks, mebbe, then you eat, some 14645provocative conversation on the way home, and uh, park in front of the house, 14646y'know, and you, oh yeah, you smoo with yourself, put a little nice music on, 14647mebbe you put on like, uh, y'know, like shoppin' music, something that's not 14648too interruptive, y'know, and then uh, y'know, slide over real nice, and say, 14649"Oh, I think you have something in your eye", well, maybe it's not that 14650romantic with you, but I don't, y'know, I get into it, y'know, I take myself 14651up to the porch, and uh, take myself inside, maybe, oh, I might get a little 14652something in a brandy snifter, "Would you like to listen to some of my back 14653records, I got something here...", well, usually, about two-thirty in the 14654morning, you've ended up takin' advantage of yourself, and there ain't no way 14655around that, y'know, yeah, makin' the scene with a magazine, ain't no way 14656around it. I'll confess, y'know, I'm no different, y'know, I'm not weird 14657about it or anything, I don't tie myself up first, I just, I just kinda 14658spend a little time with myself. 14659 -- Tom Waits, "Nighthawks at the Diner" 14660% 14661Well buggered was a boy named Delpasse 14662By all of the lads in his class 14663 He said, with a yawn, 14664 "Now the novelty's gone 14665And it's only a pain in the ass." 14666% 14667Well, God gave me a bust. What am I supposed to do with it? 14668 -- Martha Mitchell 14669% 14670Well, he went down to dinner in his Sunday best, 14671Excitable boy, they all said! 14672And he rubbed the pot roast all over his chest, 14673Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy.) 14674 14675He took in the 4am show at the Clark, 14676Excitable boy, they all said! 14677And he bit the usherette's leg in the dark, 14678Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy.) 14679 14680He took little Susie to the junior prom, 14681Excitable boy, they all said! 14682And he raped her and killed her, then he took her home, 14683Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy!) 14684 14685After ten long years they let him out of the home, 14686Excitable boy, they all said! 14687And he dug up her grave and built a cage with her bones, 14688Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy.) 14689 -- Warren Zevon, "Excitable Boy" 14690% 14691Well, I don't know where they come from but they sure do come, 14692I hope they comin' for me! 14693And I don't know how they do it but they sure do it good, 14694I hope they doin' it for free! 14695They give me cat scratch fever... cat scratch fever! 14696First time that I got it I was just ten years old, 14697Got it from the kitty next door... 14698I went to see the doctor and he gave me the cure, 14699I think I got it some more! 14700Got a bad scratch fever... 14701 -- Ted Nugent, "Cat Scratch Fever" 14702% 14703"Well, I took your advice, Doc", said Knopp, 14704"And told my wife to try it on top. 14705 She bounced for an hour, 14706 Till she ran out of power, 14707And the kids, who'd grown bored, made us stop." 14708% 14709Well, I went to a party, and what did they do? 14710They took off their socks and they took off their shoes. 14711They took off their shirts, and they took off their pants, 14712I had a hunch, we weren't gonna dance. 14713 14714Everybody, everybody's ass was bare, 14715No bras left, just a queer over there. 14716But the whole damn thing didn't faze me a bit; 14717I just jumped on the pile and grabbed some tit. 14718 14719My baby's not a sports fan, 14720But she plays with balls whenever she can. 14721'Cause her favorite sport you see, 14722Is playing tonsil hockey. 14723[chorus] 14724 Eat, bite, fuck, suck, gobble, nibble, chew; 14725 Nipple, bosom, hair pie, finger fuck, screw. 14726 Moose piss, cat pud, orangutan tit; 14727 Sheep pussy, camel crack, pig-lie-in-shit. 14728 -- Doctor Dirty, "The Eat-Bite Song" 14729% 14730Well, I'd left home just a week before, 14731And I'd never ever kissed a woman before, 14732But Lola smiled and took me by the hand, 14733And said 'Little boy, gonna make you a man!' 14734Well, I'm not the world's most masculine man, 14735But I know what I am and I'm glad I'm a man and so's Lola. 14736La, la, la, la-Lola... la, la, la, la-Lola... Lola. 14737 -- The Kinks 14738% 14739Well, it seems that there was this traveling saleswoman whose car broke 14740down, late at night, in the middle of a torrential downpour. Hoping to 14741find a phone she ran to a nearby farmhouse. When she was unable to find 14742a garage still open, the farmer told her that, while they were short of 14743beds, she could sleep with his daughter. The daughter proved to eighteen 14744and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly afterward, the saleswoman 14745rolled over toward the daughter and said, "Dear, I'm sure that you're aware 14746that some women like... to be with... other women. Let me be frank..." 14747 "No!" interrupted the daughter, sternly. "This time *I* want to 14748be Frank!" 14749% 14750"Well, madam," the bishop declared, 14751While the vicar just mumbled and stared, 14752 "'Twere better, perhaps, 14753 In the crypt or the apse, 14754Because sex in the nave must be shared." 14755% 14756Well, now that SUN's in bed with AT&T, I sure hope she sleeps with her 14757back to the wall. 14758 -- Guy Harris, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems 14759 14760Eat shit and die. Strong memo to follow. 14761 -- Mike O'Dell, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems 14762% 14763Well, see, I was out with this chick last night, and we were in bed, and 14764she groaned to me, "Give me nine inches, and make it hurt!" So, I fucked 14765her twice and slapped her. 14766% 14767Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator. Now, I had 14768my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco. Surely 14769you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another! 14770% 14771Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt 14772great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just 14773felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at 14774him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And this poor 14775quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier 14776than you." A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just 14777bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE 14778ANIMALS?" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages 14779to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the 14780jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that 14781was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: 14782"WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" Well, this 14783elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; 14784picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of 14785orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. 14786The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says: 14787"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so 14788pissed." 14789% 14790Well, you almost got it right. The only problem is, you're doing it exactly 14791backwards! Just reverse the motions you described and your partner will 14792experience an incredibly intense orgasm. One trouble with this technique, 14793though, is that it works so well. Believe me, word will get around about 14794your newfound prowess and you'll be inundated by prospective sexual partners. 14795So try to be discreet. I prefer maple syrup to pineapple/apricot lotion, but 14796that's a matter of personal preference. Also, I'd advise against the syrup, 14797or using honey, if you're outside, because the insects it attracts tend to 14798distract the quail. You can substitute crazy glue (but obviously not thumb 14799tacks!) for the masking tape, but only if you don't want to use the piano for 14800awhile. 14801% 14802Well, you got your mules and you got your racehorses, and you can kick 14803a mule in the ass all you want, and he's still not gonna be a racehorse. 14804 -- Billy Martin, "Esquire", May, 1984 14805% 14806Well, you see, it's such a transitional creature. It's a piss-poor reptile 14807and not very much of a bird. 14808 -- Melvin Konner, from "The Tangled Wing", quoting a 14809 zoologist who has studied the archeopteryx and found it 14810 "very much like people". 14811% 14812Well, you see there was this neighborhood that had a priest, a minister, and 14813a rabbi who lived near each other. One summer afternoon the priest went out 14814and bought himself a new car, and the minister and rabbi, not to be outdone, 14815did the same. 14816 The next day the priest went out and blessed his car. The minister 14817hired a crane and baptized his car in a swimming pool. The rabbi, after 14818thinking seriously for a bit, got a hacksaw and cut three inches off the end 14819of the tail pipe. 14820% 14821We're all looking for a woman who can sit in a mini-skirt and talk 14822philosophy, executing both with confidence and style. 14823% 14824WE'RE GOING TO THROW THE MX AWAY AFTER WE BUILD IT. The MX is really 14825[Don't tell anybody!] just a "bargaining chip" in the nuclear-arms- 14826reduction talks with the Russians. See, we have a problem with the 14827Russians. They look at our leaders and they see, for example, George 14828Bush, who is really a fine and brave man but who happens to have this 14829unfortunate physical characteristic whereby when he talks he sounds as 14830though he just inhaled a helium party balloon. If he ever becomes 14831President, the Russians will deliberately create nuclear crises just so 14832they can gather around the Hot Line with refreshments and listen to 14833George talk. 14834 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against 14835 Political Fallout" 14836% 14837Were it not for imagination, sir, a man would be as happy in the arms 14838of a chambermaid as a duchess. 14839 -- Dr. Johnson 14840% 14841Wet dream, n.: 14842 Overnight sensation. 14843% 14844We've all heard about the woman who married a Field Service engineer but 14845divorced him after one day because he'd done nothing on their wedding night 14846but promise to have it up in 15 minutes. What few people realize is that the 14847poor man was in the bathroom all night, masturbating furiously, muttering 14848"I just don't understand, it passes all the diagnostics!" 14849% 14850We've got things well in hand. 14851 -- Master Byte Software, Los Gatos California 14852% 14853We've just received the results of a survey conducted to ascertain the 14854various reasons men get out of bed in the middle of the night. According 14855to the report, 2% are motivated by a desire to visit the bathroom, and 148563% have an urge to raid the refrigerator. The other 95% get up to go home. 14857% 14858What a man enjoys most about a woman's clothes are his fantasies of how 14859she would look without them. 14860 -- Brendan Francis 14861% 14862What can you use used tampons for? Tea bags for vampires. 14863% 14864What creatures of habit we are. This morning, without thinking, half asleep, 14865I put $100 on my pillow. That's not so bad, no one would worry about it, but 14866my wife, half asleep, without thinking, gave me $20 change. 14867% 14868What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas? 14869A Dan Quayle watch. 14870% 14871What did Snow white say when told she was pregnant? 14872 "I'd like to thank all the little people who made this possible..." 14873 14874Presumably this all started that evening when she was feeling Happy... 14875% 14876What do hookers do on their nights off, type? 14877 -- Elayn Boosler 14878% 14879What do you call someone with herpes, AIDS, syphilis, and gonorrhea? 14880An incurable romantic. 14881% 14882What is a promiscuous person -- it's usually someone who is getting more 14883sex than you are. 14884 -- Victor Lownes, quoted in "In and Out: Debrett 1980-81", 14885 by N. Mackwood 14886% 14887What is the difficulty with writing a PDP-8 program to emulate Jerry 14888Ford? 14889 14890Figuring out what to do with the other 3K. 14891% 14892What the fuck, over? 14893% 14894What this department needs is a really good inflatable doll. 14895% 14896What with chromodynamics and electroweak too 14897Our Standardized Model should please even you, 14898Tho' once you did say that of charm there was none 14899It took courage to switch as to say Earth moves not Sun. 14900Yet your state of the union penultimate large 14901Is the last known haunt of the Fractional Charge, 14902And as you surf in the hot tub with sourdough roll 14903Please ponder the passing of your sole Monopole. 14904Your Olympics were fun, you should bring them all back 14905For transsexual tennis or Anamalon Track, 14906But Hollywood movies remain sinfully crude 14907Whether seen on the telly or Remotely Viewed. 14908Now fasten your sunbelts, for you've done it once more, 14909You said it in Leipzig of the thing we adore, 14910That you've built an incredible crystalline sphere 14911Whose German attendants spread trembling and fear 14912Of the death of our theory by Particle Zeta 14913Which I'll bet is not there say your article, later. 14914 -- Sheldon Glashow, Physics Today, December, 1984 14915% 14916What you mean, how old am I? About one hundred! But Viennese answer is 14917better: we say, "I keep passing the open windows." This is an old joke. 14918There was a street clown called King of the Mice: he trained rodents, he 14919did horoscopes, he could impersonate Napoleon, he could make dogs fart 14920on command. One night he jumped out his window with all his pets in a box. 14921Written on the box was this: "Life is serious, but art is fun!" I hear his 14922funeral was a party. A street artist had killed himself. Nobody had 14923supported him but now everybody missed him. Now who would make the dogs 14924make music and the mice pant? The bear knows this, too: it is hard work 14925and great art to make life not so serious. 14926 -- John Irving "The Hotel New Hampshire" 14927% 14928Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stay. 14929% 14930What's on the floor of the old hen-house? 14931Doo-doo, doo-doo. 14932 -- Foghorn Leghorn, to "Camptown Ladies" 14933% 14934What's the worst thing about being an atheist? 14935Noone to talk to when you're having an orgasm. 14936% 14937When a girl admits she's had a checkered career, it's your move. 14938% 14939When a man grows old and his balls 14940 grow cold, So find me a seat and stand me a drink 14941And the end of his knob turns blue; And a tale to you I'll tell 14942When it's bent in the middle like a Of Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete 14943 one-string fiddle, And the gentle Eskimo Nell. 14944He can tell a tale or two. 14945 14946When Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete 14947Go out in search of fun, And when Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete 14948It's usually Dick who wields the prick Are sore, depressed, and mad, 14949And Mexican Pete the gun. 'Tis the cunt that bears the brunt 14950 So the shooting ain't so bad. 14951There was rarely a day without a lay 14952And usually two or three Now Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete 14953For Dead-eye Dick, his kingly prick Had been hunting in Deadman's creek. 14954Was always like a tree. And they'd had no luck in the way of 14955 a fuck 14956Just a moose or two and a caribou, For nigh on half a week. 14957And a bison cow or so; 14958And for Dead-eye Dick with his kingly prick 14959This fucking was mighty slow. 14960 -- The Ballad of Eskimo Nell 14961% 14962When better women are made, computer programmers will make them. 14963% 14964When ev'rybody's tryin' to sleep, 14965I'm somewhere makin' my midnight creep. Chorus: 14966In the mornin' the rooster crow, I am a back door man, 14967Somethin' tells me I got to go. I am a back door man, 14968 Well, the men don't know, 14969They take me to the doctor, But the little girls understand. 14970 shot full of holes, 14971Nurse try to save a soul. 14972Killed her for murder first degree, 14973Judge what tried let the man go free. 14974 14975Stand up, cop's wife cried, don't take him down, 14976Rather be dead six feet in the ground. 14977When you come home, you can eat pork and beans, 14978I eats more chicken than any man's seen. 14979 -- Willie Dixon, "Backdoor Man" (1961) 14980% 14981When God created man, She was only testing. 14982% 14983When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it. 14984 -- Charles Merrill Smith 14985% 14986When he tried to inject his huge whanger 14987A young man aroused his girl's anger. 14988 As they strove in the dark 14989 She was heard to remark, 14990"What you need is a zeppelin hanger." 14991% 14992When his company fell on hard times, the boss realized that he'd have to 14993lay off one of his two middle managers. As both Jack and Liz were equally 14994honest and dedicated to their jobs, he was unable to decide which one to 14995fire. To resolve his dilemma, the boss arbitrarily decided that the first 14996to leave his or her desk the next morning would be the one to get the ax. 14997 The next morning found Liz at her desk, rubbing her temples. Asking 14998Jack for some aspirin, she headed for the water fountain and that's where 14999the boss caught up with her. "I've got some bad news for you, Liz," he said. 15000"I've got to lay you or Jack off." 15001 "Jack off," she snapped. "I have a headache." 15002% 15003When I need something 15004To help me unwind 15005I find a six-foot baby What kind of guy 15006With a one-track mind Does a lot for me 15007Smart guys are nowhere Superman 15008They make demands With a lobotomy 15009Give me a moron My father's out of Harvard 15010With talented hands My brother's out of Yale 15011I go bar-hopping Well the guy I took home last night 15012And they say "Last call" Just got out of jail 15013I start shopping The way he grabbed and threw me 15014For a Neanderthal Oooo, it really got me hot 15015 But the way he growled and bit me 15016The bigger they come I hoped he had his shots 15017The harder I fall 15018In love till we're done The bigger they are 15019Then they're out in the hall The harder they'll work 15020 I got a soft spot 15021 For a good-looking jerk 15022 -- Julie Brown, "I Like 'Em Big and Stupid" 15023% 15024When I was eight years old I came home with tears in my eyes because some 15025kids had stolen my sandwich. My father handed me an ice pick, and said, 15026"Next time, hit 'em first and hit 'em hard." 15027 -- Jake LaMotta 15028 15029You can't go into the ring and be a nice guy. I would go a month, two 15030months, without having sex. It worked for me because it made me a 15031vicious animal. You can't fight if you have any compassion or anything 15032like that. 15033 -- Jake LaMotta 15034% 15035When in calling, plain speaking is out; 15036When the ladies (God bless 'em) are milling about, 15037You may wet, make water, or empty the glass; 15038You can powder your nose, or the "johnny" will pass. 15039It's a drain for the lily, or man about dog 15040When everyone's drunk, it's condensing the fog; 15041But sure as the devil, that word with a hiss 15042It's only in Shakespeare that characters ____. 15043 -- Ogden Nash 15044% 15045When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by a dog's 15046rule of life: if you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it! 15047% 15048When Snow White turns on with the dwarfs she probably winds up feeling Dopey. 15049% 15050When somebody protested at [Pope Alexander VI's] wholesale distribution of 15051pardons for the most heinous crimes -- one of which included the murder of 15052a daughter by the father -- he retorted easily, "It is not God's will that 15053a sinner should die, but that he should live -- and pay." 15054 -- E.R. Chamberlin, "The Bad Popes" 15055 15056Judas sold Christ for 30 denari, this man [Pope Alexander VI] would sell 15057him for 29. 15058 -- Ottaviano Ubaldini, chamberlain to Pope Alexander VI 15059% 15060When the naive young lady asked the clerk in Le Sex Shoppe to show her his 15061selection of vibrators, he brought out the two most popular ones. 15062 "The basic white plastic one here is twenty dollars," the clerk said. 15063"The flesh-toned rubber models are thirty." 15064 "I'm just not sure," the woman said, then she noticed an eye-catching 15065item on the back shelf. "How much is that plaid one over there?" 15066 "Uh, well, that's a pretty special one," said the clerk. "I couldn't 15067sell you that one for less than a hundred." 15068 "I'll take it." 15069 Later that day, the store owner checked in to see how business was 15070going. "Great," the clerk told him. "This morning, I sold four white 15071vibrators and three flesh-toned ones. And, this afternoon, I got a hundred 15072bucks for my Thermos." 15073% 15074When the prick stands up, the brains get buried in the ground. 15075 -- Old Jewish saying 15076 15077[How come there aren't ever any "New Jewish sayings?" Ed.] 15078% 15079When the shit hits the fan, keep your mouth shut! 15080% 15081When they tell me to stick it where 15082the sun don't shine, I put it in Oregon. 15083% 15084When things go wrong as they usually will, 15085And your daily road seems all uphill, 15086When funds are low and debts are high, 15087When you try to smile, but can only cry -- 15088And you really feel you'd like to quit, 15089Don't talk to me; I don't give a shit. 15090% 15091When you and I are far apart 15092Can sorrow break your tender heart? 15093I love you darling, yes I do; 15094Sleep is so sweet when I dream of you; 15095All you are is a blossoming rose. 15096Night is here so I must close. 15097With care read the first word of each line. 15098You will find a question of mine. 15099 -- Yours hopefully, The VAX 15100% 15101When you're lying on the bed, 15102And the thought is in your head, 15103But the feeling is way down between your legs, 15104Take your problem in your hand, 15105And beat it to the band, 15106And try your best to keep it off the walls. 15107 15108Don't let your lover tell you, 15109Don't let anybody sell you, 15110That the joy of masturbation is a crime. 15111For I've rid myself of fears, 15112(I've been doing it for years) 15113And now I have an erection all the time. 15114% 15115Whenever someone tells you to "take it like a man" it usually means 15116up your ass. 15117% 15118"Where'd she get those crow's feet? You really want to know?" 15119"Yeah." 15120"From squinting and screaming, "Suck what!?" 15121% 15122Which of the following doesn't belong? 15123 a. meat 15124 b. eggs 15125 c. drum 15126 d. blowjob. 15127 15128Answer: 15129 d: A blowjob, because you can beat your meat, your eggs, 15130 or your drum, but you just can't beat a blowjob. 15131% 15132While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who 15133was pretty, chic, and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his 15134hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, as 15135will happen, the executive sadly found himself unable to perform. 15136 On his first night home, the executive padded naked from the shower 15137into the bedroom to find his wife swathed in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair 15138curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly as she pored through a movie 15139magazine. And then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent 15140erection. 15141 Looking down at his throbbing member, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, 15142mixed-up, son-of-a-bitch! Now I know why they call you a prick!" 15143% 15144While farmers generally allow one rooster for ten hens, ten men are 15145scarcely sufficient to service one woman. 15146 -- Boccaccio 15147% 15148While I, with my usual enthusiasm, 15149Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm, 15150 She explained, "They are flat, 15151 But think nothing of that -- 15152You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm." 15153% 15154While not actually a sailor, I certainly enjoy getting blown ashore. 15155% 15156While sitting 'neath an oak one morn 15157In thought on this and that, 15158A tiny, twitt'ring little bird "Oh tiny bird, O Nature's gift 15159A load dropped in my hat. Of music and of wit! 15160 Why didst thou feel that my best hat 15161"Thy music gladdens my poor soul, Was thy best place to shit?" 15162And brings joy to my heart. 15163But tell me, little bird divine, The tiny bird a few notes sang, 15164Why didst thou not just fart?" Then answer'd "Pardon me, 15165 For thy hat I thought was my nest, 15166I rose and stood in solemn awe A-fallen from the tree." 15167His words to better mull, 15168Then lifted up a paving block 15169And crushed his fucking skull. 15170 -- Bill Wordsworth, "A Tiny Twitt'ring Bird" 15171% 15172While vacationing last summer in the North Woods, a young fellow thought it 15173might be a good idea to write his girl. He had brought no stationery with 15174him, however; so he had to walk into town for some. Entering the one and 15175only general store, he discovered that the clerk was a young, full-blown farm 15176girl with languorous eyes. 15177 "Do you keep stationery?" he asked. 15178 "Well," she giggled, "I do until the last few seconds, and then I 15179just go wild." 15180% 15181Whip it, baby. 15182Whip it right. 15183Whip it, baby. 15184Whip it all night! 15185% 15186White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it 15187so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the 15188time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair. 15189% 15190Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? 15191 15192Because his wife left him. But things are looking up for their reconciliation. 15193Seems that when she left, she took his word processor, and she's been renting 15194it out occasionally in Japan. That is, every now and then she gets a yen for 15195his Wang. 15196% 15197Why, Good Morning! I'm the bluebird of fellatio! 15198% 15199Why I am an atheist: 15200 152011. Atheists do not believe in higher powers. 152022. God is the highest power. 152033. Therefore, God must be an atheist. 152044. We should all strive to be like God. 152055. We should all be atheists. 15206% 15207Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are 15208horses? 15209 -- G. Gordon Liddy 15210% 15211Why is Mrs. Carter always on top when she and Jimmy make love? 15212Because all Jimmy Carter can do is fuck up. 15213% 15214Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them 15215then she isn't good enough for you. 15216% 15217Why not, for example, offer a brand-new Mustang convertible to every girl 15218who consents to having her Fallopian tubes tied in a Gordian knot? ... It 15219would have the additional benefit of eliminating from the gene pool those 15220stupid enough to consent to such a deal. 15221 -- Edward Abbey 15222% 15223...why should you waste a single moment of *your* life seeming to be something 15224you don't want to be? Lord, that's so simple. If you hate your job, quit it. 15225If your friends are tedious, go out and find new friends. You are queer, you 15226lucky fool, and that makes you one of life's buccaneers, free from the clutter 15227of 2000 years of Judeo-Christian sermonizing. Stop feeling sorry for yourself 15228and start raising your sails. You haven't a moment to lose. 15229 -- Edmund Carlevale 15230% 15231Willie, looking in the mirror, Willie with the nursery shears 15232Sucked the mercury off Cut off both the baby's ears. 15233Thinking in his childish error To the baby so unsightly 15234It would cure the whooping cough. Mother raised her eyebrows slightly. 15235 15236At the funeral his weeping mother In the family drinking well 15237Sadly said to Mrs. Brown, Willie pushed his sister, Nell. 15238"'Twas a chilly day for Willie She's there still because it killed her, 15239When the mercury went down." Now, we have to buy a filter. 15240% 15241Winning isn't everything, but losing really sucks. 15242% 15243With a bushel of apples, you can have 15244a hell of a time with the doctor's wife. 15245% 15246Wok, n.: 15247 Something to thwow at a wabbit. 15248% 15249Woman is: finally screwing and your groin and buttocks and thighs ache like 15250hell and you're all wet and maybe bloody and it wasn't like a Hollywood 15251movie at all but Jesus at least you're not a virgin any more but is this 15252what it's all about? And meanwhile, he's asking "Did you come?" 15253 -- Robin Morgan, "Sisterhood Is Powerful" 15254% 15255Women -- can't live with 'em, can't leave 'em by the curb when you're done. 15256% 15257Women should be obscene and not heard. 15258% 15259Women think of being a man as a gift. It is a duty. Even making love can 15260be a duty. A man has always got to get it up, and love isn't always enough. 15261 -- Norman Mailer 15262% 15263Women Unite! Make *him* sleep in the wet spot tonight! 15264% 15265Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination 15266 -- Graffito in a women's restroom 15267% 15268Working hard around here is like pissing on yourself in a dark suit; 15269you get a warm feeling but nobody notices. 15270% 15271Working here is like a pregnancy. 15272After nine months you wish you hadn't come. 15273% 15274World War III is about to break out, but hidden somewhere in Switzerland, 15275a small group of international statesmen are trying to avert disaster. 15276The key members of this group are the representatives from Moscow, Bonn, and 15277Jerusalem, who, despite their personal enmity, manage to forge a peaceful 15278settlement, at the last moment. As the treaty is signed, and the war 15279postponed, almost entirely through the efforts of those three men, an angel 15280appears. "The earth is saved through the efforts of these three men! 15281Therefore, I will grant each of them their heart's desire!" 15282 So, the angel asks the German for his wish, and the German, recalling 15283the nearness of their disaster, and perceiving the cause to have been the 15284Russians, immediately says "I wish there were no more Russians!" And God 15285said, "It will be done." 15286 The angel asks the Russian for his wish, which, of course, is "*I* 15287wish there were no more Germans!" Replies the angel, "It will be done." 15288 So the angel asks the Jew for his wish. The Jew is in a state of 15289shock. "Will you really grant the German's wish?" he asks, and the angel 15290avers. "And the Russian's, too?" The angel avers yet again. Then the Jew 15291thinks a moment, leans back and says, "In that case, I think I'd like a small 15292cup of coffee." 15293% 15294Would you mind terribly much if I asked you to take your silly-assed 15295problem down the hall? 15296% 15297Would you rather have a 5-inch hard or an 8-inch floppy? 15298% 15299Writers do it between periods. 15300% 15301Yeah, I used to be into necrophilia, bestiality and sadism, but then I 15302realized I was just flogging a dead horse. 15303% 15304Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left 15305the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware. 15306 -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper" 15307% 15308Yesterday is a memory, 15309 Tomorrow is a vision, 15310 Today is a bitch! 15311% 15312You always introduce the younger person to the older person, using the 15313wording: "Miss Brown, I'd like to introduce you to an older person" 15314(unless her name is not "Miss Brown"). If you do not know a person's 15315age, ask for a driver's license and a major credit card. If you are 15316introduced to a member of a minority group, use the "high-five" style 15317handshake, followed by a remark designed to show you don't mind a bit, 15318such as "I see you are a (name of a minority group)! Good!" 15319 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 15320% 15321You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but 15322only for a limited period of time. Why should we think that collectively, 15323as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation? 15324 -- Ronald Reagan 15325% 15326You are a tower of strength in the office, but only so-so in bed. 15327% 15328You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an 15329uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Since this is definitely a 15330no-no, you: 15331 15332(a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid 15333 motion, bury your forefinger in your nostril right up to the 4th 15334 joint. 15335 15336(b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a prize 15337 to the one who makes his nose bleed first. 15338 15339(c) Drop your napkin on the floor, and when you bend over to pick it up, 15340 blow your nose on your sock. 15341% 15342You are without a doubt a rogue, a rascal, a villain, a thief, a scoundrel, 15343and a mean, dirty, stinking, sniveling, sneaking, pimping, pocketpicking, 15344thrice double-damned, no-good son-of-a-bitch. 15345% 15346You are witty, charming, handsome and above average in length. 15347% 15348You better believe that marijuana can cause castration. Just suppose 15349your girlfriend gets the munchies! 15350% 15351You can beat my meat, but you can't lick my sauce! 15352 -- Boss' Ribs, Portland, Oregon 15353% 15354You can find sympathy, in the dictionary, right near shit and suicide. 15355% 15356You can get used to living at a nudist camp. 15357The first three days are the hardest. 15358 -- R. Dreiser 15359% 15360You can lead a whore to Vasser, but you can't make her think. 15361 -- Frederick B. Artz 15362% 15363You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't 15364pick your friend's nose. 15365% 15366You can't underestimate the power of fear. 15367 -- Tricia Nixon Cox 15368% 15369You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to 15370get back inside. 15371 -- Heathcote Williams 15372% 15373You have been bitchy since Tuesday and you'll probably get fired today. 15374% 15375You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January 15376and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live 15377there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You: 15378 15379(a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your 15380 name. 15381 15382(b) Ask what position she played. 15383 15384(c) Ask if she is still working the streets. 15385% 15386You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this 15387proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your 15388proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits 15389into your coffee. You: 15390 15391(a) Tell him you take your coffee black. 15392 15393(b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases. 15394 15395(c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a leak in his "In" 15396 basket. 15397% 15398You have to be a bastard to make it, and that's a fact. And the Beatles 15399are the biggest bastards on earth. 15400 -- John Lennon 15401% 15402You have to regard everything I say with suspicion -- I may be trying 15403to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently. 15404 -- J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b 15405% 15406You know the Norplant thing? It's a new birth control device for women. 15407It's a cartridge, that goes in your arm. Well, they're coming out with 15408a new one for men: it's a brain, that goes in your head. 15409% 15410You know what burns my ass? A flame about three feet high. 15411% 15412You might get caught holding the bag. Say she's your sister. 15413% 15414You pedophiliac sodomizer of ducklings!! 15415% 15416You see that fucking fish? 15417If he'd kept his mouth shut, he wouldn'ta got caught. 15418 -- Sam Giancana 15419% 15420You should be a hemorrhoid, you're such a pain in the ass. 15421% 15422You wanna play the dozens, 15423Well, the dozens is a game, 15424But the way I fuck your mother is an ass-wringing shame! 15425 -- George Carlin 15426% 15427You will always have friends 15428Some friends will peter out. 15429But I'll always be your friend, 15430Peter in or peter out. 15431% 15432You'll be a guest at a gay party. 15433That will have important consequences for you. 15434% 15435Young men want to be faithful and are not; 15436old men want to be faithless and cannot. 15437 -- Oscar Wilde 15438% 15439Your boy/girl friend is *so* ugly that... 15440 15441 -- when you look up ugly in the dictionary, their picture's there. 15442 -- it looks like their face caught fire and someone put it out 15443 with an ice pick. 15444 -- Nabisco used their face to model for animal cookies. 15445 -- when they yelled "Rape", the guy screamed "No way!" 15446 -- they were the birth control poster child. 15447 -- when they were born, the doctor slapped their mother. 15448 -- as a child, their parents tied a pork chop around her neck to 15449 get the puppy to play with them. 15450 -- they have to sneak up on a glass of water, just to get a drink! 15451% 15452Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, 15453shake your fist at the sky, and say, "Storms suck!" 15454 -- Johnny Carson 15455% 15456Your first husband was the one you married while firmly believing that 15457there are more important things in life than great sex. 15458% 15459YOUR FOAMY FUTURE 15460 by Miss Fortune 15461 15462SCORPIO (October 24 - November 21) 15463 "Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance?" is your 15464motto. You don't do much other than sleep, eat, down brewskis, and watch TV. 15465Your friends and family are constantly pestering you to clean up your act. 15466But it's OK, Scorpio. A kick in the ass is at least one step forward. 15467 15468SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) 15469 You've been on a diet for two weeks and all you've lost is two weeks. 15470My advice is to drink copius amounts of beer just to get the thought of food 15471out of your mind. Remember, a good reducing exercise consists of placing 15472both hands against the table edge and pushing back. 15473 15474CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan 19) 15475 Remember that day you had one beer too many and did something 15476extremely foolish? Now your friends are coming and going and your enemies 15477accumulating. Cheer up! All is not lost. It's better to be hated for 15478what you are than loved for what you're not. 15479% 15480Your spooning days are over, 15481 And your pilot light is out; 15482When what used to be your sex appeal 15483 Is now your water spout! 15484% 15485You're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings. 15486% 15487Yuck Foo. 15488% 15489Zippity doo dah, zippity ay, 15490I just gave my sister's cherry away! 15491To a couple of truckers from Erie P.A., 15492Zippity doo dah, zippity ay. 15493 -- John Valby 15494% 15495