1This fortune brought to you by: 2 The DragonFly BSD Project 3% 4 MOUNTIES: 5I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, He's a lumberjack and he's OK, 6I sleep all night and I work all day. He sleeps all night and he works 7 all day. 8 9I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch, 10I go to the lavatory. He goes to the lavatory. 11On Wednesday I go shopping, On Wednesday he goes shopping, 12And have buttered scones for tea. And has buttered scones for tea. 13 14I cut down trees, I skip and jump, He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, 15I like to press wild flowers, He likes to press wild flowers. 16I put on women's clothing, He puts on women's clothing, 17And hang around in bars. And hangs around in bars. 18 19I cut down trees, I wear high heels, He cuts down trees, he wears high heels, 20Suspenders and a bra. Suspenders? and a bra? 21I wish I'd been a girlie, That's rude... 22Just like my dear Pappa. 23% 24 FROM THE DESK OF 25 Snow White 26 27Dear Snow White: 28 29 Thanks for last night. 30 31 Sleepy, Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Happy, Dopey, Bashful 32% 33 LEPROSY 34Leprosy, all my skin is falling off of me. 35I'm not half the man I used to be. 36Oh, how did I get leprosy? 37 38Syphilis, it all started with a simple kiss. 39Now it even hurts to take a piss. 40Oh why did I get syphilis? 41 42Why'd she have VD? I don't know, she wouldn't say. 43I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday .... 44 -- To the tune of "Yesterday" 45% 46 My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things] 47Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers 48Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars 49Reds and peyote to work out your bugs 50These are a few of my favorite drugs. 51 52Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout 53Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out 54Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs 55These are a few of my favorite drugs. 56 57Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys 58Users of heroin, often called junkies 59Methadone helps then to stop being thugs 60Takes them off one of my favorite drugs. 61 62 On a bad trip 63 When the cops come 64 When I lose my head 65 I simply take more of my favorite drugs 66 And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead! 67% 68 NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY: 69"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on a 70short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her 71promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of 72our "Big John" doll.) 73% 74 THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF 75 76An amalgamation of the Creation Science Research Foundation and the Flat Earth 77Society, The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all 78who do not allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs. 79In addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the following 80beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as correct Church dogma: 81 82 --That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from 83 which UFOs come. 84 --That pi equals precisely 3.000. 85 --That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully 86 squared the circle. 87 --That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job. 88 89Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being studied, 90including Reaganomics and that the moon landings were done in a Hollywood 91special effects studio. These will be the subject of some forthcoming Papal 92Bull. 93% 94 The Snack 95Oh my God, screamed Mommy, You went and ate the Baby. 96 97What baby? asked Daddy. You know that's just the last of the leftover donkey. 98 99Donkey, my ass! said Mommy with some sentience. Do you think I don't 100 recognize my own baby? Why I can still see his little privates 101 caught in the gap between your front teeth. How many times have 102 I told you to take only what's on the *top* two shelves of the freezer? 103 104But there wasn't a thing to eat, cried Daddy. 105 And am I not the master of my own? 106 107Nothing to eat? 108 What about the elephant testicles in aspic that I put up for you 109 just last week in the ball jar? Our very first baby, too, wailed 110 Mommy, that I was saving for Christmas dinner. 111 112Testicles, testicles, said Daddy. A man gets tired of testicles. 113 -- L.L. Zeiger 114% 115 ... But among the children of the Great Society there were 116those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, 117and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat.... 118 Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and 119they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my 120people go to the front of the bus." 121 But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all 122deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove 123yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like 124unto a snowball in Hell." 125 -- "The Begatting of a President" 126% 127 A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods. The bear looks 128over at the rabbit and asks, "Say, does shit ever stick to your fur?" 129 "No." 130 So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit. 131% 132 A business executive is consumed by jealousy: he suspects his wife 133of cheating on him. The suspicion grows and grows, and one morning as he 134drives to work he can't take it any more. He thinks to himself, "she 135probably just waited until I left so she could meet with her lover." 136 When he gets to his office, he calls home. The maid answers. He 137says, "Hello. Is my wife there?" 138 "Yes, sir", the maid whispers. 139 "Is she with her lover?" 140 The maid pauses, and then says, "Yes, sir, she is, and I must say 141that I feel terrible about how she treats you." 142 The man yells, "That no good **#*&!!. If you feel as badly as you 143say you do, you must do this for me: go to my dresser and get my gun. Check 144to make sure that it's loaded. Then go upstairs and shoot both that cheating 145two-timing whore and her lover. Dispose of the gun, and then come back to 146the phone and tell me that it's over. Don't worry -- I'll protect you." 147The man hears footsteps, a drawer being opened, a click, more footsteps, 148silence... and then two shots. More footsteps. Finally the maid comes back 149to the phone and says "It's done." 150 The man asks, "What did you do with the gun?" 151 "I threw it behind the statue in the garden", the maid replies. 152 "Statue in the garden? Say, what number is this, anyway?" 153% 154 A cowboy, his horse and his dog were captured by hostile Indians. 155This wasn't really a problem for the animals as the Indians can always use 156them, but the cowboy is informed that he will be burned at the stake the 157following sunrise. That evening, the Indian chief tells the cowboy that 158he can one last wish, within reason, of course, before meeting his fate 159the following morning. The cowboy replies that all he really wants is to 160see his faithful dog, Rex, one last time. When the dog is brought by the 161Indians, the cowboy hugs his companion and whispers something into his ear. 162At once the dog runs off over the hill. Amazingly enough, a few hours later, 163he returns, accompanied by some two dozen prostitutes from a nearby town. 164Needless to say, the braves are delighted and as a reward offer the cowboy 165his dog to keep him company through the rest of the night. When the dog is 166brought forth the cowboy again runs his hand over Rex's head and then bends 167down to whisper into his ear: "This may be my last chance, Rex, so get it 168right this time -- go into town and get the posse!" 169% 170 A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did 171for a living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do 172all day?" 173 Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor." 174 "That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?" 175 Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a 176mailman." 177 "Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?" 178 Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a 179whorehouse." 180 The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography. 181Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father 182answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded 183an explanation. 184 Billy's father replied, "Well, I'm really an attorney. But how do 185you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old child?" 186% 187 A great American Olympic wrestler was receiving last-minute advice 188from his coach about the upcoming match with the Soviet Champion. 189 "This Russian guy is really good, very strong and quick. But I think 190you can take him. Remember, though, like I've told you before, don't let 191him get you in the Pretzel hold. With his strength you'd never get out." 192 The American leaps onto the mat, and within moments the two behemoths 193are going crazy, struggling to get each other pinned. The American slowly 194gains ground and appears that he might actually win on points alone, when, in 195the blink of an eye, the Russian reverses him and whips him into the fatal 196Pretzel hold. 197 The coach, off by the side, shakes his head in dismay, and sits down 198on the bench with his head between his hands. All of a sudden, there's a 199scream and the two wrestlers fly apart, the American regaining control and 200pinning the Russian. After the match, in the dressing room, the coach 201finally gets the winner alone. "Great job! But how the hell did you get out 202of the Pretzel Hold? I thought it was over for sure!" 203 "Well, I did too. I was in the hold, about to be pinned, when I saw 204this huge pair of testicles hanging right in front of my eyes. I figured 205what the hell, so I stretched forward and bit them as hard as I could. Coach, 206you just don't know your own strength 'til you've bitten your own balls!" 207% 208 A guy finishes his 9 to 5, but, instead of going straight home, stops 209in at a local bar for a drink. He gets his beer, turns around to sit down, 210and finds himself face to face with a ravishing blonde. The two strike up a 211conversation, and really hit it off. After a couple drinks they leave the bar 212go back to her pad, to peruse her etchings. Which doesn't take long -- by 213seven they were happily engaged in intimate scratching. 214 'Round about midnight the guy rolled over in bed and spotted the clock: 215"Midnight! Already! I gotta get home! Honey, you have any baby powder?" 216He jumps out of bed and starts pulling his pants on, trying to find his shoes. 217 "Baby powder?" she asks. But she comes back from the bathroom and 218hands him the powder. He frantically shakes it all over his hands, kisses her 219goodbye, and runs out the front door. 220 He gets home, and sure enough, there's his wife, waiting in the 221doorway. 222 "Okay," she mutters, "let's have it." 223 "Well," he says sheepishly, looking down at his feet. "Okay. I went 224to a bar after work and met a gorgeous blonde and we really hit it off. We 225had a few drinks and went back to her place, and well, see..." 226 "Oh yeah?" she says, "let me see your hands... Don't you lie to me! 227You've been bowling again!" 228% 229 A man came home from work and as he entered the house he yelled, 230"Hi, honey, I'm home." 231 There was no response. He walked through the house and saw a note 232on the refrigerator. It read "I'm out with the girls and I'll be home about 2338. Either fix yourself something to eat, or wait for me and we'll eat when 234I get home." 235 Well, he decided to wait until his wife returned. However, his 236stomach started to growl and he remembered that he had an apple left over 237from his lunch. He got the apple, polished it a little, and heard the 238doorbell ring. He went to the door and there stood a little blond haired 239girl holding out a little paper bag. "Trick or treat", she said. 240 He looked at the girl, looked at the apple, thought how hungry he 241was, looked at the girl again, and with a slight sigh dropped his apple in 242the bag. The little girl looked down in the bag, looked up again, and 243complained, "You stupid son-of-a-bitch. You broke my cookies!" 244% 245 A man dies and is getting his tour of heaven. His guide is pointing 246out the various features and landmarks when the man asks, "What's that cliff?" 247 "Oh, you don't want to look down there. That's hell!" 248 The man creeps up to the edge and looks over. He sees lush, green 249valleys, verdant farmland and trees everywhere. "This doesn't look so bad," 250he says. 251 Puzzled, the guide comes over and looks down. "Damn!" he snaps, 252"Those Mormons have been irrigating again!" 253% 254 A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots and 3 beers. The 255bartender, seeing that the man is distraught, asks what the problem is. 256 "I just found out that my brother is gay", he replies. 257 About a week later, the same man walks in and orders 6 shots and 2586 chasers. So the bartender inquires, "What's wrong this time?" 259 To which the man says, "I just found out that two of my brothers 260are lovers." 261 Another week goes by and the man comes back to the bar and orders 262NINE shots and NINE beers. The bartenders says "Damn, boy, doesn't anyone 263in your family like pussy?" 264 "Yeah. Me and my sister." 265% 266 A man walks into a bar and says: "I'd like a shot of twelve-year-old 267Scotch". The bartender, who figures the guy is just being obnoxious, reaches 268down under the bar and pours him a shot of bar Scotch. The man takes one sip 269and says: "Hey, bartender, I asked you for some twelve-year-old Scotch -- this 270is eight-year-old Scotch." 271 The bartender reaches behind the bar for the twelve-year-old Scotch, 272pours a shot, hands it to the man and says "I've got to hand it to you -- 273most guys who come in here asking for twelve-year-old Scotch have never even 274had it -- they're just being pricks. But you really know your Scotch -- this 275is on the house." 276 A drunk has been sitting at the other end of the bar watching this 277conversation. He walks up to the man, hands him a glass and says "Taste this." 278The man does -- and spits it out yelling, "This tastes like piss!" To which 279the drunk replies, "It is -- but how old am I?" 280% 281 A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder. He walks 282up to the bar and sits down, ordering a beer for himself and one for the 283little Leprechaun. 284 After a few beers, the Leprechaun jumps down off the guy's shoulder, 285struts down the bar and comes to a stop in front of a rather large construction 286worker. Looking the guy right in the eye, he gives him a rather large, damp, 287Bronx cheer. And trots back to sit on his buddy's shoulder. The worker is 288pretty upset, but decides to shine on this rather offensive breach of manners. 289 After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and 290walks over to his previous victim and goes "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT" again. 291Well, that's too much, and the victim knocks the Leprechaun off the bar and, 292after walking over to stand very close to the Leprechaun's escort, tells him 293in a rather overloud voice, that if it happens again, he's going to "cut off 294his little dick!" 295 Replies the escort, "Leprechauns don't have dicks." 296 "Yeah? Well, then," asks the big man, how does he take a piss?" 297 "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT!!!!" 298% 299 A man was just settling down into his seat for a cross-country 300flight when he noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him, wearing a 301large button with the letters "NAA" on it. 302 "What's that?" he asked, pointing to her button. 303 "Nymphomaniacs Association of America" she replied. 304 After a moments thought he said, "Well, if you wouldn't mind my 305asking, but I've always wanted to know, who are the best, ummm, `endowed' 306men?" 307 "Well, it's not what you think. Native Americans. They're better 308hung than *anybody*." 309 "And is it true that the French are the best lovers?" 310 "No, Jewish men. Once you finally get them going they can last 311all night. By the way, my name is Sue. What's yours?" 312 "Running Bear Sheldon." 313% 314 A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA. 315He arrived in Needles, CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some 316gas. When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights 317were off. Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside. He wasn't sure 318what he'd heard, so he rolled down his window and heard a faint cry, 319"Help... help... help". He got out of his car, and sure enough there was 320a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his 321ankles. He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?" 322 "These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my 323clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!" 324 "Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants. "This just 325hasn't been your day, has it?" 326% 327 A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this 328particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the 329man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very 330fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, 331felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under 332the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?" 333 Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as 334quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, 335"I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?" 336 With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd 337like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!" 338% 339 A Mexican and a Texan worked together for a construction firm, and, 340while they were good friends, they had a friendly rivalry over whose wife 341was the better cook. One weekend, as the Texan's wife was out of town, the 342Mexican invited the Texan to have supper with his family. 343 The Texan accepted, and that evening sat down to some the best stew 344that he had ever eaten. 345 "Damn! That stew is fantastic!" he exclaimed to his host. "What 346kind of meat is it?" 347 "Rabbeet stew," replied the Mexican. 348 "Rabbit?" replied the Texan. "There aren't any rabbits around here." 349 "Si, my freend, the rabbeets make the beeg noise, and I shoot theem." 350 "Rabbits don't make any noise..." 351 "Si, my freend, they say meeyow, meeyow!" 352% 353 A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office. The mother 354asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange 355symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said. 356 The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced, 357"Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant." 358 The mother gasped. "That's nonsense!" she said. "Why, my little 359girl has never even been out with a man, let alone... let alone..." She 360turns to the girl and said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!" 361 "Yes, Mumsy," said the girl. "Doctor, I have never so much as 362kissed a man!" 363 The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again. Then, 364silently he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued 365staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something 366wrong out there?" 367 "No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything 368like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if 369another one was going to show up." 370% 371 A proper elderly English couple visiting Australia decided to hire a 372car to take a look at the outback. "We know it's rough country, but it's safe 373and decent, isn't it?" the husband inquired of the rental-agency manager. 374Upon being assured that it was, the couple drove off. 375 Later that day, they returned, upset and angry. "You said it was 376decent country," the Englishwoman upbraided the rental agent, "but we hadn't 377driven too far when we saw a man in a field copulating with a kangaroo!" 378 "And not too long after that," complained her husband, "a one-legged 379aborigine leaning against a tree by the side of the road grinningly waved 380at us with one hand while he brazenly masturbated himself with the other!" 381 "Guv'nor," responded the Aussie, "yer wouldn't expect a poor bugger 382like that, with only one leg, to catch a 'roo, would you?" 383% 384 A secretary entered her boss's office with the announcement: "I have 385some good news and some bad news." 386 He muttered, "It's quarterly report day, Sally -- just the good news." 387 She replied, "You're not sterile." 388% 389 A sociologist, a psychologist, and a engineer were discussing the 390consequences and implications of a married man's having a mistress. The 391sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable 392for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly 393and lustful pursuits. 394 The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible, 395if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being, 396then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he 397is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife. 398 The engineer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary, 399a married man is entitled to a mistress. However, I do not see why the 400affair should be concealed from the wife. On the contrary, if the affair 401is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife that he 402is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be with 403his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!" 404% 405 A strange looking white man came to the Indian reservation looking 406for a job. He asked to talk to the Chief of the tribe, so he might give his 407qualifications. The Chief strode forward from the group surrounding the 408white man and said: "You leave! No job!" 409 The man explained that this was no ordinary job he was seeking, but 410that of tribe Medicine-Man. He would convince him if the Chief would allow 411him to demonstrate his magic. "No magic!" said the disbelieving Chief. 412 "Oh, yeah?", said the stranger. "I'll prove it to you by making 413your dog, here, talk!" 414 "Dog, no talk!" responded the Chief, but before he could finish, he 415heard a voice coming out of the mouth of the dog saying, "The Chief treats me 416good. He feeds me, and keeps me in teepee when it snows!" 417 "If you still have doubts as to my magic," continued the stranger, 418"the next voice you'll hear will be that of your horse!" 419 "Horse, no talk!" argued the still-sceptical Chief, but again he 420heard a voice that said: "I am the Chief's favorite horse. He takes me up to 421the green pasture to eat and brushes my coat when I get dirty." 422 The stranger, still seeing some disbelieving faces, claimed for his 423final trick he would make the Chief's sheep talk. 424 "NO!" cried the Chief, "SHEEP LIE!" 425% 426 A ten-year-old kid came home from school one day, and when his mom 427asked how was school he says: "Gee, great, mom. I got laid!" 428 She's shocked and sends him upstairs, where his dad finds him after 429work. "Mommy told me about your day at school, Billy, and I think we men 430should keep it a secret. Women just don't understand these things." 431 So every night Dad goes up to Billy's room after Mom tucks him in: 432"You get laid today, Billy?" 433 "Yeah, Dad." 434 "How was it?" 435 "Real neat, Dad, I liked it a lot." 436 "Good Boy!". 437 A month later: "You get laid today?" 438 "No, Dad." 439 "No? How come?" 440 "Gee, Dad, my ass is getting really sore." 441% 442 A white man was traveling with Indian (American) out West. The 443Indian stops, puts his ear to the ground, and says, "Buffalo come." 444 The white man looks around in all directions, sees nothing for 445miles and asks the Indian how the hell he knows that. 446 Replies the Indian, "Ear wet." 447 -- Lily Tomlin, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent 448 Life in the Universe" 449% 450 A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park. 451They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate 452love. Shortly thereafter, as they were driving away, the young man turned 453to her and said, "If I had known you were a virgin, I'd have taken more time." 454 She replied, "If I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off 455my pantyhose." 456% 457 A young man asked his father to lend him $50 for a blowjob, 458whereupon his father solemnly replied, "When I was young we used to 459settle for a kiss." 460 The son retorted, "OK, how about $50 for a long low kiss?" 461% 462 All he did was take the ball and run every time they called his 463number -- which came to be more and more often, and in the Super Bowl Thomas 464was the whole show. But the season is now over; the purse is safe in the 465vault; and Duane Thomas is facing two to twenty for possession. Nobody really 466expects him to serve time, but nobody seems to think he'll be playing for 467Dallas next year either, and a few sporting people who claim to know how the 468NFL works say he won't be playing for ANYBODY next year; that the Commissioner 469is outraged at this mockery of all those Government-sponsored "Beware of Dope" 470TV shots that dressed up the screen last autumn. 471 We all enjoyed those spots, but not everyone found them convincing. 472Here was a White House directive saying several million dollars would be spent 473to drill dozens of Name Players to stare at the camera and try to stop grinding 474their teeth long enough to say they hate drugs of any kind... and then the best 475running back in the world turns out to be a goddamn uncontrollable drugsucker. 476 But not for long. There is not much room for freaks in the National 477Football League. Joe Namath was saved by the simple blind luck of getting 478drafted by a team in New York City, a place where social outlaws are not 479always viewed as criminals. But Namath would have had a very different trip 480if he'd been drafted by the St. Louis Cardinals. 481 -- Hunter S. Thompson 482% 483 An Aggie was appointed ambassador to Japan. Two weeks before 484officially reporting to the embassy, he went from geisha house to geisha 485house. While making love to a geisha girl, he heard her repeat, "Yaki-san, 486yaki-san." 487 Right away the Aggie thought to himself, "I've learned my first 488Japanese word. It must be an expression of joy." 489 When he reported to the embassy, he received his first assignment, 490which was to escort the prime minister of Japan around the golf course. 491After having played a couple of holes, the prime minister teed-off and made 492a hole-in-one. The prime minister jumped up and down shouting, "Bonsai! 493Bonsai!" 494 Quickly, thinking that this was the perfect chance to show off the 495new Japanese word that he'd learned, the Aggie exclaimed, "Yaki-san, 496yaki-san!" 497 The prime minister turned to the Aggie in surprise and exclaimed, 498"What do you mean, wrong hole?" 499% 500 An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial 501city and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish 502arrived he asked what kind of meat it contained. "These, senor," explained 503the waiter in halting English, "are the cojones -- the, what you say, the 504testicles -- of the bull killed in the ring today. 505 The tourist gulped but tasted the dish and found it delicious. 506Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. When it was 507served, he commented to the waiter, "But these -- these cojones -- are 508much smaller than the ones I had yesterday." 509 "True, senor, but the bull -- he does not ALWAYS lose." 510% 511 An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a 512man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by. "Your names please?" 513said the the soldier. 514 "My name is Mary," said the woman. 515 "And mine is Joseph," said the man. 516 "Oh," said the soldier, a little taken aback, "And where are you 517going?" 518 "To Bethlehem." 519 "Your reason for going there?" 520 "To pay our taxes to the government." 521 "Tell me," said the soldier, "are you going to name the baby Jesus?" 522 "Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto 523Ricans?" 524% 525 An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the 526remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, 527"I have a dead pussy." 528 The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, 529"Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common." 530% 531 And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" 532 They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the 533ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our 534very selfhood revealed." 535 And Jesus replied, "What?" 536% 537 Are you a Young Urban Professional Woman? If so, you know how 538Yuppie women are; cold, ruthless bitches with no time for love, and only 539an occasional weekend for sex. Your one "hot date" with Joe Fastrack, 540rising corporate star, ended in disaster. Yesterday you heard him telling 541a friend over lunch, "The woman must masturbate with popsicles!" Well, 542all is not lost! SofSqueeze can change your nickname to Electrolux in just 54315 minutes a day! 544 SofSqueeze is a pressure sensitive device (divided into appropriate 545sections) that plugs into the serial port of most home computers. Through 546the magic of biofeedback, SofSqueeze teaches you control over your vaginal 547muscles. With our exciting, easy-to-follow software you'll master the 548"Cincinnati Squeeze", the "Irresistible", the "California Crusher", and, 549of course, the perennial favorite, "Milking Time Down on the Farm". Or, 550using our exclusive Interactive Mode, invent your own! 551 SofSqueeze is made of sturdy ABS plastic, and is completely 552immersible for easy cleaning. SofSqueeze's flesh-toned exterior is finely 553textured for a realistic effect. Requires 4K RAM, a DB25 serial port and 554limited graphics capability. Comes fully assembled, with 4 AA batteries. 555% 556 Attracted by repeated newspaper advertisements, and realizing that 557his waist had gone both East and West despite his daily racquetball, a young 558executive appeared at a local health resort. Looking over the several weight 559loss plans offered, he selected one guaranteed to reduce his weight by two 560pounds per day. After a light breakfast, and a almost non-existent lunch, he 561was escorted to a large room, where a young, attractive woman told him that 562"if he caught her, he could have her". After an hour of hard running, he 563finally gave up; and weighing himself, was comforted to realize that he had 564lost just under three pounds. Returning the next week, he chose the plan that 565was to reduce his weight by four pounds per session. After following the same 566regimen, he was again escorted to a large room, but after two hours of running, 567he caught the young woman. Weight loss, just over four pounds. Returning the 568following week, he chose to lose eight pounds in a single day. He was shown 569to the largest room he'd seen, by far, where he was confronted by a extremely 570muscular, burly man, who looked him square in the eye, flung his towel into 571a corner, and snarled, "You know the rules. Start running!" 572% 573 Barbra Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American 574Indians. After a tour of a reservation they were on, she was curious as to 575the number of feathers in the headdresses. She asked a brave who had only 576one feather in his headdress. His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me 577have only one feather." She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow 578was only joking. This brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied, 579"Me have four feathers, because me sleep with four squaws." 580 Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of 581squaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a 582headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters. 583Ms. W: "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?" 584Chief: "Me Chief, me fuck-em all, big, small, fat, tall, 585 me fuck-em all." 586Ms. W: "You ought to be hung!" 587Chief: "You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake." 588Ms. W: "You don't have to be so hostile!" 589Chief: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all." 590Ms. W: "Oh, dear!" 591Chief: "No deer, me no fuck deer. Asshole too high and fuckers run 592 too fast." 593% 594 Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife, 595Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and 596subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this 597sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste 598treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world. To you." 599 Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's 600blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off. 601Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to 602see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him. 603 "What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king. 604 "My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!" 605% 606 Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best 607friend asked him how it went. 608 "The first night we did it nine times," Bill said. "The second 609night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six 610times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the 611last night, nothing!" 612 "Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?" 613 "Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?" 614% 615 "Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with 616your penis?" 617 "Uh, not right now." 618 "Tsk, tsk. A girl has to have *some* standards." 619 -- Real Genius 620% 621 Churchill was known to drain a glass or two and, after one 622particularly convivial evening, he chanced to encounter Miss Bessie Braddock, 623a Socialist member of the House of Commons, who, upon seeing his condition, 624said, "Winston, you're drunk." Mustering all his dignity, Churchill drew 625himself up to his full height, cocked an eyebrow and rejoined, "Shove it up 626your ass, you ugly cunt." 627 When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to 628the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if 629you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "You and 630your play can go fuck yourselves." 631 At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table 632to remark, "If you were my husband, Winston, I'd poison your coffee." "And 633if you were my wife, I'd beat the shit out of you," came Churchill's 634unhesitating retort. 635 -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon 636% 637 "Daddy?" 638 "Yes son." 639 "Wha-wha-wha-what does regret mean?" 640 "Well, son, a funny thing about regret is that it's better to regret 641something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done. And by 642the way, if you see your Mom this weekend, would be you sure and tell her, 643`SATAN, SATAN, SATAN!!!'" 644 -- Butthole Surfers, "Sweat Loaf" 645% 646 "Darling", said the young bride, "tell me what's bothering you. 647We promised to share all our joys and sorrows, remember?" 648 "But this is different," protested her husband. 649 "Together, darling," she insisted, "we will bear the burden. 650Now tell me what our problem is." 651 "Well," said the husband, "we've just become the father of a 652bastard child." 653% 654 Desperate about the state of her social life, a young woman resorted 655to the Personal Ads in the back of her local paper. In the ad she made it 656quite clear that what she was advertising for was an expert lover; she already 657had plenty of sensitive friends and meaningful relationships and what she 658now wanted was to get laid, to put it bluntly. Phone calls started coming 659in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck 660the young woman's fancy. Until one night her doorbell rang. Opening the door 661she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in 662response to her advertisement. "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my 663ad was quite explicit. I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert, 664and you... uh... don't have all the..." 665 "Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?" 666% 667 During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her 668husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!" Then, turning to the counselor, 669she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!" 670% 671 Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a 672blizzard. He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that, 673while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter. She proved 674to be eighteen and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a 675pass at the daughter. "Stop that!" she said. "I'll call my father." 676 He desisted. But half an hour later he made another attempt. "Uh, 677stop ... that," she said. "I'll call my father." 678 But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try. This time, no 679protest, no threat. Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she 680tugged at his pajama sleeve. "Could we do that again?" she asked. 681 Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the 682tug at his sleeve. "Again?" 683 And again Ed obliged. But when his sleep was once more interrupted 684by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her 685and mumbled, "Stop that! Or I'll call your father." 686% 687 Elroy stared at Barb and then leaned quietly over to Shake Tiller 688and stuck out his hand. "Son," he said. "Tell the truth. It ain't better 689than fried chicken, is it?" 690 Shake looked solemnly at Elroy, clasping his hand, and said: 691 "I got to be dead honest, Roy." 692 And Elroy said yeah, lay it on him. 693 Shake said slowly, "For a Lesbian who gave up the only real love she 694ever knew -- Sister Francis at Our Lady of Victory -- and for a person who 695can't make it any more with nothing but an electric toothbrush, she's the 696finest I've ever had." 697 -- Dan Jenkins, "Semi-Tough" 698% 699 Ever thought of putting a ferret down your pants? Yes, ferrets, 700those weasel-like animals originally trained to hunt rats and possessing 701needle sharp claws and razor sharp teeth. The English do it for sport. 702 Ferret Legging involves the tying of a competitors's trousers at 703the ankles and then dropping into the trousers a couple of vicious ferrets. 704No jockstraps or underwear allowed -- nothing but the bodies' own. The 705ferrets must be young and in good condition. Neither the ferret or the 706contestant may be drugged or drunk -- cold eyed sober only. The trousers 707should be loose fitting, to allow the ferret to scramble from one leg to 708the other, and are traditionally white, so that the blood shows better. 709 Normal contestants are able to keep them down for up to 40 seconds. 710The champion ferret legger, Reg Mellor, of Yorkshire, holds the world record 711of 5 hours and 26 minutes. Mr. Mellor's claims that being the champion is 712not so much heroism but, "You just got to be able to have your tool bitten 713and not care." 714% 715 Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see 716a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a 717baseball. Finally, some brave young man got up the nerve to stop him and 718ask, "What happened to give you such a small head?" 719 The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach, 720which produced a beautiful genie when rubbed. The genie said, "I now give 721you one wish. Do you want a quick fuck or a little head?" 722% 723 Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman, 724obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance 725floor like a 20-year old. Finally curiosity got the best of the cigarette 726girl. "I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman 727of your age living it up like a youngster. Tell me, are all of your faculties 728unimpaired?" 729 The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head. "Not 730all, I'm afraid." he said. "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a 731girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place 732about two A.M. We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon 733as my head hit the pillow. I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl." 734 "Why, George," she said in surprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago." 735 "So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to 736fail me." 737% 738 Farmer Johnson was drunk again. 739 "You know, Anna," he said to his long-suffering wife, "if you could 740only lay eggs we could get rid of all those damn chickens." 741 Anna said nothing. Farmer Johnson tried again. "You know, Anna, if 742only you could give milk we could get rid of that expensive herd of cows." 743 Anna looked at him coolly. "You know, Jack," she said, "if only you 744could get it up once in a while we could get rid of your brother Bob." 745% 746 "First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight," 747said the guy aggressively. 748 "Oh, no, you're not," said the girl. 749 "Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in 750town." 751 "Oh, no, you won't." 752 "Then I'll take you to my apartment and mix up a pitcher of daiquiris." 753 "Oh, no, you won't." 754 "Then I'm going to make violent, mad, passionate love to you." 755 "Oh, no, you're not." 756 "And I'm not going to take any precautions either!" said the guy. 757 "Oh, yes, you are!!" said the girl. 758% 759 For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief 760vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an 761affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an exciting 762few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped 763short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! 764 "Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" 765he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, 766and the baby would have my name!" 767 "Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, 768we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and finally decided it would be 769better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer." 770% 771 "God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no 772matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly 773pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent 774merriment. 775 "Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone 776agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and 777lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects, 778though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along 779innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they 780were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one." 781 -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" 782% 783 Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his 784proposal of marriage as he was pretty sensitive about his artificial leg 785and afraid that no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself 786to tell his fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, 787nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. 788All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which 789she blushed and smiled bewitchingly. 790 The wedding came and went, and the young couple were at last alone 791in their honeymoon suite. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big 792surprise," smiled the bride. 793 Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his 794leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump. 795 "Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the 796Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!" 797% 798 "Hello, Police Department." 799 "This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court. I've just been sexually 800molested by a pervert, right here in my own home. It was horrifying!" 801 "Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it." 802 "Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask. I was napping 803on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything. 804Suddenly he had his great big old calloused hand over my mouth, holding me down. 805I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off. I was so frightened! He 806held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly. What could I do? I 807couldn't stop him. He was huge. A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty 808pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible. He had an 809erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my 810throat; forced me to suck it. Yes, officer! There was no escaping this man. 811Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on 812my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to 813say it, he put that huge thing... It must have been a foot long, and I don't 814know how thick... into my... Just a minute." 815 "What's the matter, mister?" 816 "Listen, I have to hang up now, he's getting out of the shower." 817% 818 "I know a life of crime led me to this sorry state. I blame 819society. Society made me what I am today!" 820 "That's bullshit Archie. You're just a young suburban punk 821like me." 822 "It still... hurts... auugghh!" 823 "You're going to be okay..." 824 "...gurgle..." 825 "... maybe not." 826 -- Repo Man 827% 828 "I need a camel that can go without water for at least three weeks," 829the American said to an Algerian camel merchant. "Is it possible?" 830 "All things are possible," replied the merchant. He proceeded to 831take a camel out of his barn and lead him to a tank of water. After the 832camel had drunk its fill and was about to lift its head out of the tank, 833the merchant picked up two nearby bricks, one in each hand, stepped behind 834the camel, and smacked his testicles with the bricks. 835 The camel let out a gigantic "Whhoooosh!" and sucked up what seemed 836like twenty more gallons of water. 837 The American stared incredulously at the camel merchant. "My God, 838man!" he exclaimed, "doesn't that hurt?!" 839 The merchant shrugged. "Only if you get your thumbs in between the 840bricks." 841% 842 "I think my wife may be getting somewhat overweight. 843 "Oh, how can you tell?" 844 "Well, last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't 845hear the stereo." 846% 847 In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was 848without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So 849they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, 850and it stinks." 851 852 And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying, 853"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now, 854the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a 855container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide 856before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto 857the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer 858and none may abide by its strength." 859 860 And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the 861Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and 862it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto 863the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the 864growth of the Laboratories." 865 866 And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that 867it was Good! 868% 869 It seems there were two young Marines walking down the street, and 870they chanced upon a lady who was both very proper and very well endowed. 871One of them said, "Wow! What tits! Hey lady, would I love to snuggle up with 872them for awhile. What are you doing this afternoon?" 873 Well, the other Marine thought that was just about the most shameful 874thing he had ever witnessed, and felt that he had to restore the honor of the 875Corps. "Pardon my friend, Ma'am," he apologized, "He's not been very well 876brought up and don't know how to talk to cunt." 877% 878 It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year. I was driving 879in downtown Atlantis. My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented 880Stingray, and it was overheating. So I pulled into a Shell station. They 881said I'd blown a seal. I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my private 882life out of it, okay, pal?" While they were doing that, I walked over to the 883Oyster Bar. A real dive. But I knew the owner. He used to play for the 884Dolphins. I said "Hi, Gil!" You have to yell -- he's hard of herring. 885 -- Kip Addotta, "Wet Dream" 886% 887 It was in a bar in midtown Manhattan and the Frenchman and the 888American were talking about love over some dry Martinis. "Deed you know, 889sir," the Frenchman said, "that een my country thair are 79 different 890ways how to make the REAL, passionate luff?" 891 "Do tell?" said the American. "Well, that's amazing. In this 892country there's only one." 893 "Just one?" the Frenchman said, condescendingly. "And what eez 894that?" 895 "Well, there's a man and a woman, and --" 896 "Sacre bleu!!" exclaimed the Frenchman. "Numbair 80!" 897% 898 "Jean, what is this attraction between Catholic girls and 899Jewish men?" 900 "You really want to know?" 901 "Yeah." 902 "Well, Carol, Jewish men are great in bed... right, Bob? And 903Catholic girls fuck like bunnies." 904% 905 Many lower life forms demonstrate qualities that, at first, just don't 906seem survival oriented. For instance, the female praying mantis, after mating 907with, well, her mate, will devour him. For the male praying mantis, however, 908it's a catch-22. If he mates, he gets screwed out of an opportunity to mate 909again. If he doesn't mate, he doesn't reproduce, ending his family tree. This 910suicidal behavior is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome -- and many 911life forms are periodically subject to its wrath. How did the preying mantis 912become stuck in such a awful, vicious cycle? This is probably what happened: 913 The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis. After 914some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphragm) they mate. 915The female mantis, her lust for... lust being satisfied, relaxes while the 916male raids the refrigerator and returns home. This behavior continues until 917the male and female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship. Then the 918male establishes a new pattern of behavior: Football on Mondays, baseball on 919Tuesdays, happy hour on Wednesdays, uh, well, uh, working-late-at-the-office 920on Thursdays, etc. etc. The female tolerates this for awhile, then files for 921a divorce. After a long court battle, she concludes one thing: It simplifies 922matters tremendously to just eat him when you're done with him. 923 Well, through the centuries of evolution, the Preying Mantis Syndrome 924has been carried up to the highest life forms, as well as to humans. That is 925why, one week out of every month, the female of the species will feel compelled 926to bite the head off of the male. The Syndrome is inescapable, but when it 927occurs in the female of our species, it's best to just avoid them for a while. 928% 929 Mr. Hersh came home to find his wife sitting naked in front of the 930mirror, admiring her breasts. 931 "And what do you think you're doing?" he asked. 932 "I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a 933twenty-five-year-old." 934 "Oh yeah? And what did he have to say about your forty-year-old 935ass?" 936 "Nothing," she replied. "Your name didn't come up at all." 937% 938 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile. 939Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures. One day, 940without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation. In 941an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to 942prison. 943 They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports 944in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get 945them to name their contacts in the liberation movement... Finally they're 946hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced 947to death. 948 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll 949be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have 950any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in 951Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to 952Murray. 953 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he 954spits in the sergeants face. 955 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." 956 -- Arthur Naiman 957% 958 "My husband commits an inconceivable act of perversion with a 959barnyard animal, and it's not central to my case?!" 960 "Not in California." 961% 962 Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the 963people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many 964times a job applicant has had the clap. 965 Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written 966by a professional liar? 967 If the applicant is a man, the employer must ask only one question: 968did the applicant go to TCU? 969 If the applicant is a woman, the employer may simply ask: does she 970have a tongue that can lick the paint off a dormitory wall? 971 -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma" 972% 973 Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of 974bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the 975court had the mightiest "weapon". The first knight stood up and proclaimed 976that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5 977pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the 978women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band 979played appropriate music. 980 Another knight stood up and claimed that he had the mightiest weapon. 981He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth 982rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved 983multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music. 984 After several more knights tried to prove their superiority... the 985King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped 986his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, 987but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffee pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose. 988The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored 989banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen." 990% 991 One day a mother and daughter are walking around a farming community 992and they see a stallion mounting a mare. The daughter takes in the scene and 993turns to her mother. "Mommy, what are those two horses doing?" 994 Her mother hastily answered, "The horse on top hurt its hoof, and the 995one on the bottom is carrying him back to the stable." 996 The daughter shook her head and sadly replied, "Isn't that just the 997way it goes? Try to help someone and you get fucked." 998% 999 One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to 1000seek out a cute little coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli-Amp 1001and took her for a ride on his Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone 1002bridge, around the sine waves, and stopped in the magnetic field by the 1003flowing current. Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's characteristic curves, 1004soon had her fully charged and excited, her resistance to a minimum. He laid 1005her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, and lowered her reluctance. 1006He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it into her socket, 1007connecting them in parallel and began short circuiting her resistance shunt. 1008Fully excited, Milli-Amp mumbled: "OHM-OHM-OHM." 1009 With his tube operating at a maximum and her field vibrating with 1010his current flow, it caused her shunt to overheat, and Micro-Farad was rapidly 1011discharged and drained of every electron. They Fluxed all night trying 1012various connections and sockets until his magnet had a soft core and lost 1013all of its field strength. 1014 Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged her 1015solenoids. With his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to 1016excite his field, so they spent the night reversing polarity and blowing 1017each others fuses. 1018 -- Eddie Currents, "The Sex Life of an Electron" 1019% 1020 One of my favorite Zoo jokes has to do with a woman who, while 1021visiting the zoo, decided to have a little fun with the Gorilla. She walks 1022up to his cage, reaches in, and begins to fondle the beast. Needless to 1023say, the animal becomes quite excited, and as he tries to reciprocate in 1024kind, the woman steps back and gives him a raspberry...! 1025 The gorilla becomes enraged. He rips the bars from his cage, grabs 1026the woman, drags her back into the cage, and ravishes her. While doing so, 1027he inflicts a great deal of harm upon her person. 1028 Later, at the hospital, a neighbor of the woman visits and exclaims, 1029"Oh, you poor dear...! Are you hurt?" 1030 "Hurt!", "Hurt!?" the injured lady sobs, "He doesn't phone. He 1031never writes..." 1032% 1033 One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O' HONEY. So he took his Miss 1034HERSHEY behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of 5th AVENUE and CLARK where he 1035there began to feel her MOUNDS. And that was an ALMOND JOY which definitely 1036made his TOOSIE ROLL. 1037 He let out a SNICKER as he slipped his BUTTERFINGER up her KIT KAT 1038which of course caused the MILKY WAY. She screamed "OH, HENRY!" as she 1039squeezed his PETER, PAUL and ZAGNUTS and said "you're better then the 3 1040MUSKETEERS." 1041 -- John Volby (Dr. Dirty), "The Candy Bar Poem" 1042% 1043 One spring evening, after a hard rain, grandpa and grandson were 1044sitting out on the porch, talking. Grandpa spied a worm crawling up out 1045of its hole and said to his grandson, "Sonny, if you can get that there 1046worm back down its hole, I'll give you five dollars." 1047 "Sure!", says sonny, and runs in the house. Out he runs an 1048instant later with a can of hairspray, grabs the worm, and sprays it with 1049the hairspray as it dangles earthward. He then slips the stiff worm back 1050into its hole and turns to his grandpa with a huge smile on his face. 1051 "Well, I'll be. That was pretty smart there, boy.", he says. 1052"Here's your fiver.", he adds as he fishes out a bill. By then it's almost 1053dark, and they say their goodnights and part. 1054 The next day sonny's playing out on the porch, and grandpa comes 1055out of the house and gives him a five. "But you gave me my five yesterday, 1056grandpa.", he remarks. 1057 "Yep, I know. This is from your Grandma." 1058% 1059 "Our school, madame, postulates, first of all, that since the 1060science of mathematics is an abstract science, it is best inculcated by 1061some concrete example." 1062 Said the Queen, "But that sounds rather complicated." 1063 "It occasionally leads to complications," Jurgen admitted, "through 1064a choice of the wrong example. But the axiom is no less true." 1065 "Come, then, and sit next to me on this couch if you can find it in 1066the dark; and do you explain to me what you mean." 1067 "Why, madame, by a concrete example I mean one that is perceptible 1068to any of the senses -- as to sight or hearing, or touch --" 1069 "Oh, oh!" said the Queen, "now I perceive what you mean by a concrete 1070example. And grasping this, I can understand that complications must of 1071course arise from a choice of the wrong example." 1072 -- James Branch Cabell, "Jurgen" 1073% 1074 Out on the great American desert one day, a bald eagle reached a 1075state of great libidal distress. Pickings were slim, but in time, he saw a 1076dove flying by. "Better than nothin'", he muttered (birds in jokes can mutter) 1077and swooped down, grabbed the dove and flew to his nest. Feathers flew, and 1078eventually the dove tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted (yes, they 1079shout, too): 1080 "I'm a dove! I've been loved! And I LIKE it!" 1081 Well, this took care of the old boy for a while but soon enough he 1082was at it again. All he could find was a lark, so away he went, and feathers 1083flew and soon the lark tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted: 1084 "I'm a lark! I've been sparked! And I LIKE it!" 1085 As you can guess, some time later our friend was again in need of 1086amor... lib... you know! This time, all that happened by was... a duck! 1087So down he swooped, and feathers flew, and the next thing seen is the duck 1088tottering to the cliffside and shouting: 1089 "I'M A DRAKE! THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE! AND I DON'T LIKE IT!!! 1090% 1091 Overheard in a bar: 1092Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!" 1093Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now." 1094% 1095 People who claim to know jackrabbits will tell you they are primarily 1096motivated by Fear, Stupidity and Craziness. But I have spent enough time in 1097jackrabbit country to know that most of them lead pretty dull lives; they are 1098bored with their daily routines: eat, fuck, sleep, hop around a bush now and 1099then... No wonder some of them drift over the line into cheap thrills once in 1100a while; there has to be a powerful adrenaline rush in crouching by the side of 1101a road, waiting for the next set of headlights to come along, then streaking 1102out of the bushes with split-second timing and making it across to the other 1103side just inches in front of the speeding front wheels. 1104 Why not? Anything that gets the adrenaline moving like a 440 volt 1105blast in a copper bathtub is good for the reflexes and keeps the veins free 1106of cholesterol ... but too many adrenaline rushes in any given time-span has 1107the same bad effect on the nervous system as too many electro-shock treatments 1108are said to have on the brain: after a while you start burning out the 1109circuits. 1110 When a jackrabbit gets addicted to road running, it is only a matter 1111of time before he gets smashed -- and when a journalist turns into a politics 1112junkie he will sooner or later start raving and babbling in print about things 1113that only a person who has Been There can possibly understand. 1114 -- Hunter Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail" 1115% 1116 People who write position papers often find themselves in an 1117enviable position. They are hired to write papers for both sides of the 1118position. 1119 A good position paper will have many words in it like 1120"superincumbence," "egress," and "plurification." 1121 You will not often find the phrase "lightweight dropcase 1122limp-wristed motherfucker" in a serious position paper. 1123 Charts and multiplication tables should always be included in 1124position papers. They should look complicated enough to make Albert 1125Einstein stagger across the room for a Tylenol. 1126 A good position paper will never underestimate the value of a 1127semicolon. 1128 -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma" 1129% 1130 Santa Claus comes down the chimney and the nubile sixteen-year-old 1131has been waiting for him. Santa sees her, and in typically unflappable 1132Santa-style says, "And what do you want for Christmas, little girl?" 1133 The girl, and she's not so little, tells him. Well, Santa is 1134definitely flapped by this, but he manages to come out with, "Ho ho ho, 1135gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know." 1136 The girl, not to be daunted, takes off her robe. "Aw, please stay 1137Santa," she begs. 1138 He replies, "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, 1139you know." 1140 She then takes off her pajama top, her firm pouting breasts pointing 1141at Santa like an accusation. "Aw, please stay Santa," she pleads. 1142 "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know." 1143 Finally, she takes off her pajama bottoms, revealing to Santa her 1144warm mound of delight. "Aw, please stay, Santa," she begs. 1145 Being only mortal, Santa finally gives in, sighing, "Hey hey hey, 1146gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way." 1147% 1148 Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde 1149stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If 1150this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she 1151doesn't deserve to have any." 1152 1153 James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") 1154failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to 1155remark in later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a 1156major general." 1157 1158 (German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, 1159complained, "Only one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a 1160while and then added, "And he didn't understand me." 1161 1162 Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly 1163pointed out of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening 1164sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing 1165more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand 1166on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning 1167out of the car. "Run for your life!" 1168 1169 Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the 1170Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular 1171story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was 1172roused by his wife crying, "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the 1173house." 1174 "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate 1175maybe, but not in the House." 1176 1177% 1178 Shortly after arriving at their honeymoon destination, the 1179still-nervous groom became worried about the state of his bride's innocence. 1180Deciding on a direct confrontation, he quickly undressed, pointed at his 1181exposed manhood and asked his mate, "Do you know what this is?" 1182 Without hesitation, she blushingly answered, "That's a wee-wee." 1183 Delighted at the idea of instructing his naive wife in the ways of 1184love, the husband whispered, "From now on, dearest, this will be called a 1185prick." 1186 "Oh, come now," the girl chided. "I've seen lots of pricks and I 1187assure you, that's a wee-wee." 1188% 1189 Shortly after Churchill had grown a moustache, he was accosted by a 1190certain young lady whose political views were in direct opposition to his 1191own. Fancying herself something of a wag, she exclaimed, "Mr. Churchill, I 1192care for neither your politics nor your moustache." Unabashed, the young 1193statesman regarded her quietly for a moment, the wryly commented, "Suck my 1194dick." 1195 While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was 1196asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers. 1197 "They're assholes, sir," he ventured, then paused briefly and added, with a 1198whimsical smile, "They're assholes." 1199 Churchill was given to reading in the bathtub and, while staying at 1200the White House, he once became so engrossed in an account of the Battle of 1201Fonteney that he forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the 1202upcoming conference in Yalta. At the appointed hour, the President was 1203wheeled into Churchill's quarters only to be informed that the Prime Minister 1204had not finished bathing. Roosevelt was about to apologize for the intrusion 1205and depart when Churchill, puffing his customary cigar, strode into the room 1206stark naked and greeted the nonplussed world leader with a terse, "What are 1207you staring at, homo?" 1208 -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon 1209% 1210 "Sir", said the beggar, "can you spare fifty dollars for a cup of 1211coffee?" 1212 "Fifty dollars for a cup of coffee, one should be sufficient!", 1213answered the gentleman, rather shortly. 1214 "I know", replied the beggar, "but coffee always makes me horny." 1215% 1216 The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't 1217just say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these 1218primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot, 1219and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal 1220saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think 1221you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same 1222time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of 1223Northern Mali that you may be interested in." 1224 So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic 1225publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest 1226naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason 1227naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an 1228article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System 1229Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But 1230others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev. 1231Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked. 1232 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 1233% 1234 The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You 1235claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in 1236his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?" 1237 1238 "Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but 1239not much good in a fight." 1240% 1241 The famous Nell Gwynn, stepping one day from a house where she had 1242made a short visit into her coach, saw a great crowd assembled, and her 1243footman all bloody and dirty; the fellow being asked by his mistress, the 1244reason for his being in that condition, answered, "I have been fighting, 1245madam, with an impudent rascal who called your ladyship a whore." 1246 "You blockhead," replied Mrs. Gywnn, "at this rate you must fight 1247every day of your life; why, you fool, all the world knows it." 1248 "Do they?" cries the fellow, in a muttering voice, after he had shut 1249the coach door, "they shan't call me a whore's footman for all that." 1250 -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones" 1251% 1252 The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint 1253 1254My back aches, my pussy is sore; 1255I simply can't fuck any more; 1256 I'm covered with sweat, 1257 And you haven't come yet, 1258And my God, it's a quarter to four! 1259% 1260 The man standing at the bar (in court, unfortunately) was well- 1261dressed, alert and obviously intelligent. The judge asked him how he 1262pleaded to the charge of rape and, much to the magistrate's surprise, he 1263replied, "Not guilty by reason of insanity, your Honor." 1264 "Insanity?" exclaimed the judge. 1265 "Yes, sir," said the defendant. "I'm just crazy about it." 1266% 1267 The new patron was amazed by the cleanliness of the restaurant. A 1268waiter approached the table. "Good afternoon, sir. What may I serve you?" 1269 "I'll have the steak dinner," the man answered. 1270 As the waiter headed for the kitchen, the diner noticed that he 1271wore a spotless white apron and clean white gloves. Soon the waiter 1272returned, bearing a casserole dish on a cart which he uncovered to reveal 1273two tempting filet mignons. From a covered pocket in his apron he produced 1274a small pair of shining silver tongs and with them he transferred the meat 1275from the steaming casserole to the diner's plate. "We never touch anything 1276with our hands," he explained. 1277 The waiter continued serving. "Confidentially," he said, "we even 1278have a special set of rules about visiting the lavatory. Do you see this 1279little piece of string attached to my apron?" 1280 "Yes," the diner replied. "I noticed that all the aprons had one." 1281 The waiter put a large browned potato on the plate with his tongs. 1282"Well," he began, "if I should have to go to the bathroom, that string 1283comes in very handily. I simply unzip my pants and take it out with that 1284piece of string. That way everything stays sanitary." 1285 "But how do you put it back?" 1286 "Well, I don't know about the other guys," the waiter confided, "but 1287I use the tongs." 1288% 1289 The old mailman is making his last rounds; he retires at the end of 1290the week. As he approaches the Jones' house, Mrs. Jones greets him warmly at 1291the door. "Please come in! We're very grateful for your years of service to 1292us and our neighborhood. I've prepared something special for you." 1293 In walks the mailman, to a graciously appointed dining room, where 1294Mrs. Jones has prepared a sumptuous lunch. After dumping his letter satchel 1295on the couch, he and Mrs. Jones have a charming meal. As the mailman finished 1296his last glass of wine, thanking his hostess profusely, she stops him from 1297leaving and disappears upstairs. She returns in a moment, in a daring 1298negligee, and takes the astonished postman to the bedroom, where the elaborate 1299farewell is consummated between the sheets. 1300 As he's putting his pants on, Mrs. Jones reaches into her nightstand, 1301pulls out a dollar bill, and hands it to him. Reacting to his astonished 1302look, she says, "Well, I told my husband that you were retiring and that 1303we should do something for you. He said 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar!'" 1304She pauses and smiles proudly. "The lunch was MY idea." 1305% 1306 The other day my girlfriend and I were going to a party and on the 1307way there, we got a flat tire. We got out of the car and I pumped, she 1308jacked I pumped, she jacked, I pumped, she jacked and then we changed the 1309tire. Eventually we arrived at the party and when we walked in, everyone was 1310jumping for joy. What a sight seeing her hanging nude from the chandelier! 1311Well the party was OK, I guess, we just sat around drinking sherry and eating 1312candy. Everybody else started feeling merry. Those have got to be the three 1313wildest girls I know. 1314% 1315 The radio was screaming: "Power to the People -- Right On!" John 1316Lennon's political song, ten years too late. "That poor fool should have 1317stayed where he was," said my attorney. "Punks like him only get in the 1318way when they try to be serious." 1319 "Speaking of serious," I said. "I think it's about time to get 1320into the ether and the cocaine." 1321 "Forget ether," he said. "Let's save it for soaking down the rug 1322in the suite. But here's this. Your half of the sunshine blotter. Just 1323chew it up like baseball gum." 1324 I took the blotter and ate it. My attorney was now fumbling with 1325the salt shaker containing the cocaine. Opening it. Spilling it. Then 1326screaming and grabbing at the air, as our fine white dust blew up and out 1327across the desert highway. A very expensive little twister rising up from 1328the Great Red Shark. "Oh, Jesus!" he moaned. "Did you see what God just 1329did to us?" 1330 -- Raoul Duke, "Rolling Stone", issue 95, Nov. 11, 1971 1331% 1332 THE TEN STAGES OF INTOXICATION 1333 1334 1. WITTY AND CHARMING: This is after one or two drinks. The tongue is 1335 loosened and can yet remain in step with the brain. In the "witty 1336 and charming" state, one is likely to use foreign idioms and and 1337 phrases such as "au contraire" in place of "No way, Jose" or 1338 "Bullsheyet". 1339 2. RICH AND POWERFUL: By the third drink, you begin mentioning the little 1340 380 SL you've had your eye on down at the Mercedes place. 1341 3. BENEVOLENT: You'll buy her a Mercedes, too. It's only money. 1342 4. JUST ONE MORE AND THEN WE'LL EAT: Stall tactic. 1343 5. TO HELL WITH DINNER: Just one more and then we'll eat. 1344 6. PATRIOTIC: The war stories begin. 1345 7. CRANK UP THE "ENOLA GAY": "We could have won in Nam, but..." 1346 8. INVISIBLE: So this is what the Ladies' Room looks like. 1347 9. WITTY AND CHARMING PART II: You know, you don't sweat much for a fat girl. 134810. BULLETPROOF: Bull-sheyet, gimme them keys, I can drive. 1349 -- Lewis Grizzard, "My Daddy Was a Pistol and I'm a Son 1350 of a Gun". 1351% 1352 The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did 1353wonderfully in time trials. However, in actual races he proved a little too 1354romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare. 1355 So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be 1356castrated. The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue 1357factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was 1358almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career. 1359 After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time 1360trials, and found to do as well as ever. But the first time he actually 1361ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look 1362on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates. 1363 "What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!" 1364 "Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand 1365people took one look at you and shouted `they're off!'?" 1366% 1367 The young man took a blind date to the amusement park. They went 1368for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored. 1369"What would you like to do next?" he asked. 1370 "I wanna get weighed," she said. So he took her over to the weight 1371guesser. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that he bought her some 1372popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do. 1373 "I wanna get weighed," she said, bluntly. 1374 I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the boy, and 1375using the excuse that he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. 1376The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's 1377wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?" 1378 "Wousy," said the girl. 1379% 1380 Them Toad Suckers 1381 1382How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods? 1383Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs! 1384 1385Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers, 1386Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers. 1387 1388Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy? 1389Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy! 1390 1391Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south, 1392Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth! 1393 1394How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it, 1395Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it! 1396 -- Mason Williams 1397% 1398 There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism. They go 1399and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain 1400from sex for thirty days. 1401 Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest. He asks 1402the first couple if they passed the test. 1403 "Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month. 1404 "Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter 1405the Church." Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did. 1406 "Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine 1407until the 27th day. My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and 1408I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on. I couldn't 1409stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it 1410to her right there." 1411 "That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows. "I can never let you into 1412the Church after something like that." 1413 "I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us 1414into Safeway anymore either." 1415% 1416 There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Newfoundlander sitting in 1417a bar having a few drinks together. 1418 The Englishman turns to the Frenchman, "So tell me, what do you do to 1419drive your wife wild in bed?" 1420 "Well", replies the Frenchman, "After we make love, I go out to the 1421garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and put them all over 1422her body. then I gently blow them off with a soft, even breath, and that drives 1423her wild with desire." 1424 "Interesting," the Englishman replies. "After my wife and I make love 1425I massage baby oil gently all over her body -- that works for me!" 1426Then the pair turn to the Newfie and ask him what he does. 1427 "Well...", he says, "when me and the old lady are through, I jump 1428out of bed and wipe my dick off on the curtain. And that REALLY drives 1429her wild." 1430% 1431 These two project managers were walking through a residential area 1432one day, when they saw a dog (also male) sitting on a lawn, licking its 1433cock. (Why do dogs do that? Because they can). Anyway, the first manager 1434nudged the second and said, "Hey, look at that! That really looks like fun 1435-- I wish I could do that!" 1436 Whereupon the second manager replied, "Well, I don't know... I tried 1437it once, and the damn dog bit me!" 1438% 1439 This 600-pound guy decides he can't go on living this way, so he seeks 1440the help of a clinic and proceeds to go on a drastic diet. It works: four 1441months later he's down to 160 pounds and feeling great, except for one problem. 1442He's covered with great folds of flesh where the fat used to be. He calls 1443up the clinic, and the doctor tells him not to worry. "There's a special 1444surgical procedure to correct this condition," the doctor assures him. "Just 1445come on over to the clinic." 1446 "But doctor," the man pleads, "you don't understand. I'm too 1447embarrassed to be seen in public like this." 1448 "Don't give it another thought," says the doctor. "Simply pull up 1449all the folds as high as they'll go, pile the flesh on top of your head, put 1450on a top hat, and come on over." 1451 The guy follows the instructions and provokes no comments until he 1452reaches the clinic and is standing in front of the admitting nurse's desk, 1453dying of self-consciousness. "The doctor will be right with you," says the 1454nurse. "Say, what's that hole in the middle of your forehead?" 1455 "My navel," blurts out the guy, "how d'ya like my tie?" 1456% 1457 This guy is taking a leak in a public men's room when a man enters 1458with his arms held out from his sides, bent at the elbows with his hands 1459dangling awkwardly, and comes over to him. 1460 "Would you do me a favor and unzip my fly?" he asks. 1461 Figuring the man to be a poor cripple, perhaps an accident victim, 1462the guy obliges, not without a flush of embarrassment when the man next 1463requests that he take out his prick and hold it in the appropriate position. 1464 "Shake it off" is the next instruction, then "zip me up," and the 1465guy follows orders, wincing at his own embarrassment and at the shame of 1466being so helpless. 1467 "Say, thanks," says the man, flouncing to the door. "I can't do a 1468*thing* 'til my nails dry!" 1469% 1470 This guy is walking down the beach one fine sunny day, feeling 1471good, when suddenly he sees this woman with no arms or legs in a wheelchair, 1472sobbing like crazy. He decides to be gallant, "What's wrong, miss?" 1473 "I...<sob, sniffle>...I'm 21 and I <choke> I've never been kissed... 1474<sniffle>" 1475 So this guy, he decides, what the hell, let's cheer up the poor lady. 1476He leans over and gives her a long wonderful kiss. This does wonders, and 1477the woman's face lights up and she grins from ear to ear, and the guy wanders 1478away feeling wonderful. 1479 Well, next week, the same guy is walking along the same beach, and 1480sees the same girl who is once again sobbing her eyes out. Gallant to the 1481end, our hero says, "What's wrong, miss, can I help?" 1482 "I...I'm <sob, sniffle, sniffle> 21 and I've never been fucked..." 1483 The guy picks her up out of her chair, cuddles her close, and brings 1484her over to the shore, and throws her into the water. "Now you're fucked!" 1485% 1486 Three women and Feldstein were brought before the presiding judge. 1487The women had been arrested for soliciting and he'd been was arrested for 1488selling ties without a license. "What do you do for a living?" the judge 1489asked, pointing at the first girl. 1490 "Your honor, I'm a model," she replied. 1491 "Thirty days," was the sentence. The judge turned to the second 1492girl. "What do you do for a living?" he asked. 1493 "Your honor, I'm an actress." 1494 "Thirty days." Then he turned to the third girl. "And how about 1495you?" he demanded. 1496 "Well, your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud of it, but it's 1497the only way I can support my mother and my children since my husband's been 1498laid off." 1499 "For telling the truth," he said, "I'm going to suspend sentence. 1500Furthermore, here's $100 to help your family out." Now he turns to Feldstein, 1501arrested for selling ties illegally. "And you," he said, "what do you do 1502for a living?" 1503 "Your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud..." 1504% 1505 Two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally 1506ran out. "I have an idea," croaked Al. "Lesh go over to my housh and borrow 1507shum money from my wife." 1508 The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light, 1509and lo and behold, there was Al's wife making love on the sofa to another man. 1510This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to 1511affect the husband. 1512 "Shay, dear, you have any money for your ever-lovin' hushban?" he 1513asked. 1514 "Yes, yes," she snapped. "Take my purse from the mantle, and for 1515Pete's sake, turn off those lights." 1516 Outside they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's 1517enough here for a pint for you and a pint for me. Pretty good, eh, old buddy?" 1518 "But, Al," protested his friend, somewhat sobered by the spectacle 1519he'd just witnessed, "what about that fellow back there with your wife?" 1520 "The hell with him," replied Al. "Let him buy his own pint." 1521% 1522 Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club 1523car of a train headed east out of Chicago. 1524 "I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to 1525London?" 1526 The American laughed. "It was my home for two years during the war," 1527he said. "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town." 1528 The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did 1529he say, Reggie?" 1530 "He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman 1531replied. 1532 After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You 1533didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?" 1534 The American almost fell off his chair. "Hot Pants Hazel!" he 1535exclaimed. "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months 1536just before I came back to the States!" 1537 "What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know. 1538 "He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded. 1539% 1540 Two gay guys, Larry and Phil, were driving down the highway when they 1541were rear-ended by a huge semi. Somewhat shaken, they maneuvered over to the 1542side of the road, where Phil instructed Larry to get out and confront the truck 1543driver. "Tell him we're going to sue, sue, sue!" he shrieked. 1544 Obligingly, Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to 1545deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl, 1546"Ah, why doncha suck my cock." 1547 "Phil," said Larry, coming back to their car, "I think we're going 1548to be able to settle out of court." 1549% 1550 Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn 1551how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, 1552you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'". 1553 All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where 1554their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast. 1555 "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios." 1556His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the 1557room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" 1558 "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass 1559it ain't gonna be Cheerios." 1560% 1561 Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about 1562their troubles. "And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife 1563has cut me down to just once a week." 1564 "That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse. I know 1565two guys she's cut off altogether. 1566% 1567 Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering 1568the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the 1569mortuary, and the mortician began work. When he had unclothed the corpse, he 1570noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well, 1571hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung. He put the cork back, and 1572the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're 1573lookin' swell, Dolly!". Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he 1574come immediately to see something very unusual. Roused from sleep, the partner 1575asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally 1576the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop. When he got there, he 1577said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at 1578this ungodly hour?" 1579 The man said, "Come into the embalming room." 1580 They go into the embalming room, and the first partner says, "Now 1581watch." 1582 He pulls out the cork, and the anus takes off singing again. The 1583partner looks at him disgustedly and says: "You brought me down here at 1584three in the morning just to hear some asshole sing Hello Dolly"? 1585% 1586 Two women were walking down the street, when one nudges the other 1587and says, "There's my husband coming out of the florist's with a dozen 1588roses, damn it. That means I'll have to keep my legs up in the air for 1589three days." 1590 Replies her friend, "Well, why don't you buy a vase?" 1591 1592% 1593 We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the 1594drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like "I feel a bit 1595lightheaded; maybe you should drive...." And suddenly there was a terrible 1596roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all 1597swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a 1598hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas. And a voice was 1599screaming: "Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?" 1600 Then it was quiet again. My attorney had taken his shirt off and 1601was pouring beer on his chest, to facilitate the tanning process. "What the 1602hell are you yelling about?" he muttered, staring up at the sun with his 1603eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sunglasses. "Never mind," 1604I said. "It's your turn to drive." I hit the brakes and aimed the Great 1605Red Shark toward the shoulder of the highway. No point in mentioning the 1606bats, I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough. 1607 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: 1608 A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream" 1609% 1610 Well, this woman went to the butcher shop to get some ham for dinner. 1611She asked the butcher what kind of ham he recommended, and the butcher said, 1612"Well ma'am, we got some Damn ham here for $3.50 a pound..." Needless to 1613say, she was surprised at the butcher's language! The butcher, who was 1614reasonably astute, noticed the alarmed look on the woman's face, and quickly 1615justified himself. "No, no, ma'am, I wasn't cursin', the NAME of this here 1616ham is "Damn ham". Amused, the woman requested some "Damn ham." 1617 That night, before dinner, the woman took her husband aside and 1618explained what had happened at the butcher shop. He also was amused, and 1619suggested that they play a joke on their son. So, at dinner, after grace, 1620the man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pass the damn ham." 1621 Their son looked up, surprised. "WHOAH! Dad be gettin' hip! 1622How 'bout them mother-fuckin' potatoes?" 1623% 1624 "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you 1625didn't believe in God." 1626 "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the 1627God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's 1628not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be." 1629 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" 1630% 1631 When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her 1632operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it 1633would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't 1634thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first 1635patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!" 1636% 1637 While visiting our country, a lovely French maiden found herself 1638out of money just as her visa expired. Unable to pay her passage back to 1639France, she was in despair until an enterprising sailor made her a sporting 1640proposition. "My ship is sailing tonight," he said. "I'll smuggle you 1641aboard, hide you down in the hold and provide you with a mattress, blankets 1642and food. All it will cost you is a little love." 1643 The girl consented, and late that night the sailor sneaked her on 1644board his vessel. Twice each day thereafter, the sailor smuggled a large 1645tray of food below decks, took his pleasure with the little French stowaway 1646and departed. The days turned into weeks, and the weeks might have turned 1647into months if the captain hadn't noticed the sailor carrying food below one 1648evening and followed him. After witnessing this unique bit of barter, he 1649waited until the sailor had departed and then confronted the girl, demanding 1650an explanation. She told him the whole story. 1651 "Hmmm," mused the captain. "A clever arrangement, and I must say I 1652admire that young seaman's ingenuity. However, miss, I feel it is only fair 1653to tell you that this is the Staten Island Ferry." 1654% 1655 "Yes, sir, the bowling ball nipple rings in black. Will there 1656be anything else?" 1657% 1658 You see, this girl wakes up one morning, rolls over and sees an 1659elephant in the bed with her. Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you 1660up in the bar last night?" 1661 "Uh-huh," the elephant replies. 1662 "Did I bring you home?" 1663 "Uh-huh." 1664 "Did we, uh, fool around?" 1665 "Uh-huh." 1666 "Lord, I must have been tight!" 1667 "Not any more." 1668% 1669 The Split-Atom Blues 1670 1671Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine, 1672 Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline.... 1673But if you split those atoms fine, 1674 Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine! 1675 1676Gimme zits, take my dough, 1677 Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll.... 1678Call the devil and sell my soul, 1679 But Mama keep dem atoms whole! 1680 -- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County" 1681% 1682... and no philosophy, sadly, has all the answers. No matter how assured 1683we may be about certain aspects of our belief, there are always painful 1684inconsistencies, exceptions, and contradictions. This is true in religion 1685as it is in politics, and is self-evident to all except fanatics and the 1686naive. As for the fanatics, whose number is legion in our own time, we 1687might be advised to leave them to heaven. They will not, unfortunately, do 1688us the same courtesy. They attack us and each other, and whatever their 1689protestations to peaceful intent, the bloody record of history makes clear 1690that they are easily disposed to restore to the sword. My own belief in 1691God, then, is just that -- a matter of belief, not knowledge. My respect 1692for Jesus Christ arises from the fact that He seems to have been the most 1693virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth. But even well-educated Christians are 1694frustrated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure of Jesus 1695because of the undeniable ambiguity of the scriptural record. Such ambiguity 1696is not apparent to children or fanatics, but every recognized Bible scholar 1697is perfectly aware of it. Some Christians, alas, resort to formal lying to 1698obscure such reality. 1699 -- Steve Allen 1700% 1701... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half, 1702and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps.... 1703% 1704... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot 1705be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin to the 1706benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The latter 1707is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing with 1708him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch 1709of knuckles. 1710 -- Harlan Ellison 1711% 1712... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, 1713you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of 1714fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating 1715stunts to win the approval of the Republican Right. For example, they 1716had him make a speech oozing praise all over William Loeb, deceased 1717publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader and Slime Journalist. 1718Loeb had dumped viciously all over George in the 1980 New Hampshire 1719primary. But when the Right held a big tribute for Loeb, George came 1720back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped around his 1721neck. 1722 -- Dave Barry, "The Twinkie and the Squid" 1723% 1724... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse 1725is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the 17261950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was 1727considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever 1728showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts 1729would have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the 1730overall effect was no more explicit than many publications we think 1731nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking 1732Through Swimsuits Issue. 1733 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 1734% 1735... The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil 1736out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge. 1737 -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19 1738% 1739... which the Minstrel was supposed by some authorities to have composed 1740beneath the gibbet at Elsdon on the occasion of his hanging, drawing and 1741quartering for misguidedly climbing into bed with Sir Oswald Capheughton's 1742wife, Lady Fleur, when that noble lord was not only in it, but in her at 1743the same time. Minstrel Flawse's introduction of himself into Sir Oswald 1744had met with that reaction known as dog-knotting on the part of all 1745concerned... 1746I gan noo wha ma organs gan 1747When oft I lay abed I should ha' known 'twas never Fleur 1748So rither hang me upside doon That smelt so mooch of sweat 1749Than by ma empty head. For she was iver sweet and pure 1750 And iver her purse was wet. 1751But old Sir Oswald allus stank 1752Of horse and hound and dung So hang me noo fra' Elsdon tree 1753And when I chose to breech his rank And draw ma innards out 1754Was barrel to my bung. That all the wald around may see 1755 What I have done without. 1756But ere ye come to draw ma heart 1757Na do it all so quick So prick 'em wet or prick 'em dry 1758But prise the arse of Oswald 'part 'Tis all the same to me 1759And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die 1760 Afore I have a pee. 1761 -- Tom Sharpe, "The Ballad of Prick 'Em Dry" 1762% 17631. The sport of choice for the low skill level employees is: BASKETBALL. 17642. The sport of choice for maintainence level employees is: BOWLING. 17653. The sport of choice for front-line workers is: FOOTBALL. 17664. The sport of choice for supervisors is: BASEBALL. 17675. The sport of choice for middle management is: TENNIS. 17686. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: GOLF. 1769 1770AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller 1771your balls. 1772% 177310 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: 1774 1775 1. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up. 1776 2. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds. 1777 3. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling. 1778 4. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry. 1779 5. A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor. 1780 6. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits. 1781 7. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining. 1782 8. A beer won't leave you for a younger woman. 1783 9. A beer won't leave you for a younger man either. 178410. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow. 1785% 178610 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: 1787 1788 1. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling. 1789 2. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' 1790 quarterback. 1791 3. A beer won't even act amazed if you can. 1792 4. You don't have to let a beer win. 1793 5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to 1794 sleep with it beer, too. 1795 6. A beer helps with the housework. 1796 7. A beer will never fumble with your bra. 1797 8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it. 1798 9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children. 179910. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom. 1800% 180110 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: 1802 1803 1. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling. 1804 2. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' 1805 quarterback. 1806 3. A beer won't even act amazed if you can. 1807 4. You don't have to let a beer win. 1808 5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to 1809 sleep with it, too. 1810 6. A beer helps with the housework. 1811 7. A beer will never fumble with your bra. 1812 8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it. 1813 9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children. 181410. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom. 1815% 181610 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: 1817 1818 1. Having a beer can't make you pregnant. 1819 2. A beer doesn't wouldn't trade you in on a sports car. 1820 3. If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you. 1821 4. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers. 1822 5. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine. 1823 6. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer. 1824 7. A beer won't switch the TV channel. 1825 8. A beer doesn't snore. 1826 9. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator. 182710. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat. 1828% 182910 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: 1830 1831 1. Beer understands the difference between shooting down an unidentified 1832 aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky. 1833 2. A beer would never own a car with an automatic transmission. 1834 3. A beer never fishes for compliments. 1835 4. Beer tastes good. 1836 5. A beer can enjoy an evening of watching "Johnny-the-Wadd-Holmes' Greatest 1837 Hits" as much as you do. 1838 6. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it. 1839 7. A beer won't ask you to pick up some tampons when you go to the store. 1840 8. Beer never asks you to change the station. 1841 9. A beer won't fill up your 'Vette with 85-octane gas because it's twenty 1842 cents less expensive. 184310. A beer won't make you eat experimental vegetarian meals that taste 1844 like grass. 1845% 184610 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: 1847 1848 1. You can enjoy a beer all month. 1849 2. Beer stains wash out. 1850 3. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month. 1851 4. Beer never makes you wait. 1852 5. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer. 1853 6. Beer doesn't have a lawyer "in the family". 1854 7. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath. 1855 8. Beer doesn't demand equality. 1856 9. Beer labels come off without a fight. 185710. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left. 1858% 185915 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: 1860 1861 1. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook. 1862 2. Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common. 1863 3. A beer won't steal all the covers. 1864 4. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink all your beer. 1865 5. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car. 1866 6. A beer doesn't buy everything labeled "turbo". 1867 7. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes. 1868 8. A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky. 1869 9. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first. 187010. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer. 187111. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer. 187212. A beer won't talk about the women who had it before you. 187313. A beer's life does not revolve around the world series. 187414. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer. 187515. A beer will NEVER call you "Babe". Or "Sugar". 1876% 187718th Rule of Friendship: 1878 A friend will let you hold the ladder while he goes up on the roof 1879 to install your new aerial, which is the biggest son-of-a-bitch you 1880 ever saw. 1881 -- Esquire, May 1977 1882% 188320 REASONS WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A MAN 1884 1. A beer never leaves the toilet seat up. 1885 2. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling. 1886 3. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining. 1887 4. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer. 1888 5. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow. 1889 6. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers. 1890 7. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator. 1891 8. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat. 1892 9. A beer won't steal the covers. 189310. A beer doesn't buy everything labeled "turbo". 189411. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer. 189512. A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you. 189613. A beer tastes good. 189714. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling. 189815. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' quarterback. 189916. You don't have to let a beer win. 190017. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first. 190118. A beer will never call you "Babe". Or "Sugar-hips". 190219. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook. 190320. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes. 1904% 1905667 -- The neighbor of the beast. 1906% 190768: 1908 Do me now and I'll owe you one. 1909% 19106802 hackers make great use of the SEX instruction. 1911% 191269 + 69 = dinner for 4. 1913% 191471: 1915 69 with two fingers up your ass. 1916 -- George Carlin 1917% 19187:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 1919 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National 1920 Redwood Forest. 1921 19227:30, Channel 8: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 1923 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the 1924 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus. 1925% 19268 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: 1927 1928 1. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod. 1929 2. A beer doesn't care when you come. 1930 3. Beer doesn't have a mother. 1931 4. Beer doesn't need much closet space. 1932 5. A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Playboy 1933 "just for the articles". 1934 6. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks. 1935 7. Beer doesn't always want to go to the 'powder room' with everyone 1936 else's beer. 1937 8. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't 1938 make you ill. 1939% 1940A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch. He'd been prospecting for 1941more than a year. 1942 "Hey! Y'got any wimmen around here?" 1943 "Nope," the bartender replied, "But there's George in the back room." 1944 "I don't go for that kind of thing," the prospector scowled. He 1945downed his drink and left disgustedly. 1946A few months passed before the miner found his way down the mountain again. 1947He stumbled into the tavern and asked the bartender, "Any wimmen pass through 1948this part of town?" 1949 "Nope. Nary a one. But we still got George in the back room." 1950 Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of 1951thing," and turned on his heel and left. 1952 Within a year he came back from his mine again. With a wild look on 1953his face he re-entered the saloon. Leaning over the bar he whispered to the 1954bartender, "If I was to go into the back room with George, how many people 1955'round here would know?" 1956 "Oh," the bartender said, scratching his chin, "'bout seven, I guess." 1957 "Seven!?" 1958 "Yep. You, me, George, and the four men holdin' him down. You see, 1959George don't go for that kind of thing neither." 1960% 1961A 6'8", 280-pound Southerner walked into a NY bar, sat down next to a 1962patron, and said, "Ah'm big, and ah'm bad, and I *loves* to fuck Northern 1963women!" The guy was so terrified that he put down his beer and ran out 1964of the bar. 1965 The Rebel moved over to the next guy and said, "Ah'm big and ah'm 1966bad and I *loves* to fuck New York women." The guy took one look at him, 1967blanched and ran out of the bar. 1968 The man then went over to a short little guy with "Bronx" written 1969all over him. "Ah'm big and ah'm bad and I *loves* to fuck your sister." 1970 The short guy looked him up and down and said, "I don't blame 1971you one bit. She's *got* to be an improvement on yours." 1972% 1973A bad little girl in Madrid, 1974A most reprehensible kid, 1975 Told her Tante Louise 1976 That her cunt smelled like cheese, 1977And the worst of it was that it did! 1978% 1979A bar patron returned from the men's room grumbling to himself. 1980 "What's the trouble, buddy?" the bartender inquired. 1981 "You got John Wayne toilet paper in there!" 1982 "What do you mean?" the barkeeper asked. 1983 "It's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take shit from nobody." 1984% 1985A bather whose clothing was strewed 1986By breezes that left her quite nude, 1987 Saw a man come along 1988 And, unless I'm quite wrong, 1989You expected this line to be lewd. 1990% 1991A beachcomber of 25 had been shipwrecked on a desert island since the age of 1992six. One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a beautifully 1993sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she'd been washed ashore from 1994another shipwreck that morning. After they got over their initial surprise 1995at seeing each other, the girl wanted to know how long he had been alone on 1996this barren bit of land. 1997 "Almost twenty years," he answered. 1998 "Twenty years!" she exclaimed. "But how ever did you survive?" 1999 "Oh, I fish, dig for clams, and gather berries and coconuts," he 2000replied. 2001 "And what do you do for sex?" she asked. 2002 "What's that?" He looked puzzled. 2003 Whereupon the maiden pulled the innocent young man down onto the sand 2004beside her and proceeded to demonstrate. After they had finished, she asked 2005how he had enjoyed it. 2006 "Great!" was the reply. "But look what it did to my clamdigger!" 2007% 2008A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? 2009I am not I, I'm a tree." 2010 But another, more sane, 2011 Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" 2012And covered his pants leg with pee. 2013% 2014A beautiful belle of Del Norte 2015Is reckoned disdainful and haughty 2016 Because during the day 2017 She says: "Boys, keep away!" 2018But she fucks in the gloaming like forty. 2019% 2020A beautiful lady named Psyche 2021Is loved by a fellow named Ikey. 2022 One thing about Ike 2023 The lady can't like 2024Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey. 2025% 2026A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and 2027purgatory for the purse. 2028% 2029A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor takes 2030one look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right 2031away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her 2032thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?" 2033 "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological 2034abnormalities." 2035 "Correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. 2036"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says. 2037 "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast 2038cancer." 2039 "That's right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to 2040having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants, "what I'm doing 2041now?" 2042 "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes." 2043% 2044A beetling young woman named Pridgets 2045Had a violent abhorrence of midgets; 2046 Off the end of a wharf 2047 She once pushed a dwarf 2048Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets. 2049 -- Edward Gorey 2050% 2051A big store buyer had been on the road for nearly two months. Each week he 2052would send his wife a telegram saying, 2053 "Can't come home yet. Still buying." 2054His wife knew that these buying trips usually involved more than business. 2055She tolerated this particular jaunt for a while, but when the third month 2056rolled by and she'd still seen nothing of her husband but the weekly telegrams, 2057she wired him, 2058 "Better come home. I'm selling what you're buying." 2059% 2060A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression 2061Sold cigars at a key-club concession. 2062 When she swiveled about 2063 Even strong men cried out, 2064For her costume did not keep her flesh in. 2065% 2066A bisexual chap name of Lunt 2067Taught himself an unusual stunt. 2068He could peel back his spout 2069Turn the skin inside out 2070Like a glove, to be used as a cunt! 2071% 2072A bisexual is a man who likes girls as well as the next fellow. 2073% 2074A blind rabbit was hopping through the woods, tripping over logs and crashing 2075into trees. At the same time, a blind snake was slithering through the same 2076forest, with identical results. They chanced to collide head-on in a clearing. 2077 "Please excuse me, sir, I'm blind and I bumped into you accidentally," 2078apologized the rabbit. 2079 "That's quite all right," replied the snake, "I have the same 2080problem!" 2081 "All my life I've been wondering what I am," said the rabbit, "Do 2082you think you could help me find out?" 2083 "I'll try," said the snake. He gently coiled himself around the 2084rabbit. "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have a little fluffy tail 2085and long ears. You're... hmmm... you're probably a bunny rabbit!" 2086 "Great!" said the rabbit. "Thanks, I really owe you one!" 2087 "Well," replied the snake, "I don't know what I am, either. Do you 2088suppose you could try and tell me?" 2089 The rabbit ran his paws all over the snake. "Well, you're low, cold 2090and slimey..." And, as he ran one paw underneath the snake, "and you have 2091no balls. You must be an attorney!" 2092% 2093A bobby of Nottingham Junction 2094Whose organ had long ceased to function 2095 Deceived his good wife 2096 For the rest of her life 2097With the aid of his constable's truncheon. 2098% 2099A broken-down harlot named Tupps 2100Was heard to confess in her cups: 2101 "The height of my folly 2102 Was diddling a collie- 2103But I got a nice price for the pups." 2104% 2105A broken-down harlot named Tupps 2106Was heard to confess in her cups: 2107 "The height of my folly 2108 Was fucking a collie -- 2109But I got a nice price for the pups." 2110% 2111A bureaucracy is like a septic tank -- all the really big shits float 2112to the top. 2113% 2114A burlesque dancer, a pip 2115Named Virginia, could peel in a zip; 2116 But she read science fiction 2117 And died of constriction 2118Attempting a Moebius strip. 2119 -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology" 2120% 2121A businessman was awe-struck by the beautiful redhead at the hotel bar. 2122Seeing his interest, she quietly informed him that she was a prostitute 2123and that her price was $500. He was taken aback by the price, but after 2124a few minutes of thought he took her up to his room. She spent a few 2125minutes in the bathroom and was shocked when she came out to see him 2126masturbating furiously on the bed. "What are you doing?", she asked. 2127 "Baby, for $500, you're not going to get the easy one!" 2128% 2129A busy young lady named Gloria 2130Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier 2131 And then by six men, 2132 Sir Gerald again, 2133And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. 2134% 2135A cabin boy on an old clipper 2136Grew steadily flipper and flipper. 2137 He plugged up his ass 2138 With fragments of glass 2139And thus circumcised his old skipper. 2140% 2141A Catholic and a Methodist were carpooling to work one morning, when a brick 2142fell out of the sky, which startled the driver and caused him to swerve off 2143the road and into a telephone pole, totaling the car. 2144 The two stumbled out of the wreckage, both feeling quite fortunate 2145to be alive. The Catholic crossed himself. Then the Protestant crossed 2146himself in an accentuated manner. 2147 "Hey," said the Catholic, "I why did you cross yourself, you're not 2148Catholic!" 2149 "Just checking," replied his friend, crossing himself again, 2150"spectacles, testicals, wallet, pen." 2151% 2152A cautious young fellow named Lodge 2153Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. 2154 When his date was strapped in, 2155 He committed a sin, 2156Without even leaving his grodge. 2157% 2158A cautious young fellow named Lodge, 2159Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. 2160 With his date all strapped in 2161 He committed a sin 2162Without even leaving the garage. 2163 -- "A Boy and His Dog" 2164% 2165A cautious young fellow named Tunney 2166Had a whang that was worth any money. 2167 When eased in half-way, 2168 The girl's sigh made him say, 2169"Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey." 2170% 2171A certain bartender decided to try to get a few new customers into his bar 2172by starting a gimmick involving a horse. His claim was that if anyone could 2173get the horse to laugh, he would give them drinks on the house. The idea 2174worked well and business improved until one night a young man walked in and 2175whispered in the horse's ear. The horse immediately burst into hysterical 2176laughter and the man won the contest. The next night the same thing 2177happened: the man whispered in the horse's ear and the horse burst out 2178laughing. The next night, the bartender decided to change the rules. Now, 2179a person had to get the horse to cry in order to win the drinks on the 2180house. Later on that night, the same guy came in and said "Can I take the 2181horse into the bathroom for a minute? I promise I'll make him cry." The 2182bartender agreed and sure enough, when the man came out leading the horse, 2183the horse was crying his eyes out. The bartender could take it no more and 2184said, "How did you make him laugh the other two nights?" 2185 "I told him that my dick was bigger than his", replied the man. 2186 "How did you make him cry tonight?" 2187 "I proved it." 2188% 2189A certain young man, it was noted, 2190Went about in the heat thickly-coated; 2191 He said, "You may scoff, 2192 But I shan't take it off; 2193Underneath I am horribly bloated." 2194 -- Edward Gorey 2195% 2196A certain young person of Ghent, 2197Uncertain if lady or gent, 2198 Shows his organs at large 2199 For a small handling charge 2200To assist him in paying the rent. 2201% 2202A certain young sheik of Algiers 2203Said to his harem, "My dears, 2204 Though you may think it odd of me, 2205 I'm tired of just sodomy 2206Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!) 2207% 2208A chap down in Oklahoma 2209Had a cock that could sing La Paloma, 2210 But the sweetness of pitch 2211 Couldn't put off the hitch 2212Of impotence, size and aroma. 2213% 2214A charmer from old Amarillo, 2215Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow, 2216 Decided one day 2217 That to keep men away 2218She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo. 2219% 2220A chippy who worked in Black Bluff 2221Had a pussy as large as a muff. 2222 It had room for both hands 2223 And some intimate glands, 2224And was soft as a little duck's fluff. 2225% 2226A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party. 2227% 2228A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on 2229Saturday and is going to do on Monday. 2230 -- Thomas Ybarra 2231% 2232A clergical student named Simms 2233Hums liturgical tunes while he rims: 2234 A nice piece of ass 2235 Gets the B-Minor Mass ... 2236All the others get Anglican hymns. 2237% 2238A clerical student named Pryne 2239Through pain sought to reach the divine: 2240 He wore a hair shirt, 2241 Quite often ate dirt, 2242And bathed every Friday in brine. 2243 -- Edward Gorey 2244% 2245A clever young man named Eugene 2246Invented a jack-off machine. 2247 On the twenty-third stroke 2248 The fuckin' thing broke 2249And beat both his balls to a creame. 2250% 2251A clever young man named Eugene 2252Invented a jack-off machine. 2253 On the twenty-third stroke 2254 The goddam thing broke 2255And beat both his balls to a creame. 2256% 2257A clitoris is a lot like Antarctica; 2258most men know it's there, but few really care. 2259% 2260A cocksucking steno named Beeman 2261Remarked as she swallowed my semen : 2262 "On my minuscule salary 2263 I must watch every calorie, 2264So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!" 2265% 2266A computer called Illiac4 2267Had a rather tough bug in its core. 2268 It chewed up its cards 2269 And spewed yards and yards 2270Of illegible tape on the floor. 2271% 2272A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for 2273the first time. 2274 -- Alfred E. Wiggam 2275% 2276A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never 2277learned to walk. 2278 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt 2279% 2280A contortionist hailing from Lynch 2281Used to rent out his tool by the inch. 2282 A foot cost a quid -- 2283 He could and he did 2284Stretch it to three in a pinch. 2285% 2286A corpulent maiden named Kroll 2287Had a notion exceedingly droll: 2288 At a masquerade ball, 2289 Dressed in nothing at all, 2290She backed in as a Parker House roll. 2291% 2292A couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good. 2293 2294 [something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack? Ed.] 2295% 2296A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by 2297chance their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his father left 2298to buy popcorn, the boy piped up, 2299 "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?" 2300 "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied. 2301 "No, not that." 2302 "Oh, that's the elephant's tail." 2303 "No, Mom. Down underneath." 2304 His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing." 2305 Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get 2306a soda. As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question. 2307 "That's the elephant's trunk, son." 2308 "Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing at the 2309other end." 2310 "Oh, that's the elephant's tail." 2311 "No. Down there." 2312 The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's 2313penis." 2314 "Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?" 2315 The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've *spoiled* 2316that woman." 2317% 2318A couple was fishing near Clombe 2319When the maid began looking quite glum, 2320 And said, "Bother the fish! 2321 I'd rather coish!" 2322Which they did -- which was why they had come. 2323% 2324A cowhand way out in Seattle 2325Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle. 2326 He said, "No, I can't fuck 2327 A lamb or a duck, 2328But golly! it just fits the cattle." 2329% 2330A CS student named Lin 2331Had a prick the size of a pin 2332 It was no good for girls 2333 But just great for squirrels 2334Who squealed with delight with it in. 2335% 2336A cute little twerp from Samoa 2337Had a cock of one inch and no moa. 2338 It was good for keyholes 2339 And debutantes' peeholes 2340But not worth a damn on a whoa. 2341% 2342A daredevil skater named Lowe, 2343Leaps barrels arranged in the snow, 2344 But is proudest of doing, 2345 Some incredible screwing, 2346Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row! 2347% 2348A deep-throated virgin named Netty 2349Was sucking a cock on the jetty. 2350 She said, "It tastes nice, 2351 Much better than rice, 2352Though not quite as good as spaghetti." 2353% 2354A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine. 2355 -- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy" 2356% 2357A delighted, incredulous bride 2358Remarked to her groom at her side : 2359 "I never could quite 2360 Believe till tonight 2361Our anatomies would coincide." 2362% 2363A dentist, young doctor Malone, 2364Got a charming girl patient alone, 2365 And, in his depravity, 2366 Filled the wrong cavity. 2367God, how his practice has grown. 2368% 2369A despairing old landlord named Fyfe, 2370With a frigid and quarrelsome wife, 2371 Let his third-story front, 2372 To a willing young cunt, 2373Who supplied him a new lease on life! 2374% 2375A desperate spinster from Clare 2376Once knelt in the moonlight all bare, 2377 And prayed to her God 2378 For a romp on the sod-- 2379'Twas a passerby answered her prayer. 2380% 2381A distinguished professor from Swarthmore 2382Got along with a sexy young sophomore. 2383 As quick as a glance 2384 He stripped off his pants, 2385But he found that the sophomore'd got off more. 2386% 2387A doctoral student from Buckingham 2388Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. 2389 But a dropout from paree 2390 Taught him Gamahuchee 2391- so he added a footnote on sucking 'em. 2392% 2393A doctoral student from Buckingham 2394Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. 2395 But a dropout from paree 2396 Taught him Gamahuchee 2397So he added a footnote on sucking 'em. 2398% 2399A do-it-yourselfer named Alice, 2400Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. 2401 She blew her vagina 2402 To South Carolina, 2403And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas. 2404 2405A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill, 2406Used two dynamite sticks for a dil. 2407 They found her vagina, 2408 In South Carolina, 2409And part of her ass in Brazil. 2410% 2411A dolly in Dallas named Alice, 2412Whose overworked sex is all callous, 2413 Wore the foreskin away 2414 On uncircumcised Ray, 2415Through exuberance, tightness, and malice. 2416% 2417A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis 2418Wished to foster an aura of menace; 2419 To make people afraid 2420 He wore gloves of grey suede 2421And white footgear intended for tennis. 2422 -- Edward Gorey 2423% 2424A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis 2425Wished to foster an aura of menace. 2426 To make people afraid 2427 He wore gloves of grey suede 2428And white footgear intended for tennis. 2429 -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey" 2430% 2431A drunk was sitting at the end of the bar in a popular single's place, 2432watching a young, good-looking man working his way through the women. The 2433guy didn't appear to be having much luck, and he was only spending a few 2434moments with each woman. As he worked his way closer, while he couldn't 2435hear what the young man was saying, he realized that the women were somewhat 2436shocked at his approach. Finally, the man approaches a pretty brunette and 2437they hit it off immediately. After a bit of quiet conversation, she handed 2438the young man her hotel key and they started off for the elevators. As they 2439passed the drunk, he stopped the lucky one and asked him what his method was. 2440 "Well," the man replied, "It's simple. You say 'Tickle your ass 2441with a feather?' If she sounds interested, you take it from there. If she 2442sounds angry, you smile and say 'Typically nasty weather.'" 2443 The drunk says "Ohhhhh, got it, I got it!" and walks over to a woman 2444at the end of the bar to try out his new approach. Getting her attention, 2445he smiles and says "Fuck me!" 2446 "What?!?!?" she screams. 2447 "Raining like hell, isn't it?" 2448% 2449A friend of mine received a note through the mail advising him, 2450 "If you don't stop making love to my wife, I'll kill you." 2451The trouble is, the note wasn't signed. 2452% 2453A friend with weed is a friend indeed. 2454% 2455A friendly message from your Internal Revenue Service: tax time is 2456coming again soon. Bend over. 2457% 2458A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas and how 2459hard it was to get any sleep. 2460 "I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a 2461drunken chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled. 2462 "That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?" 2463 "At five o'clock I unlocked the door and let her out." 2464% 2465A game can by God repent or we'll punish it. 2466That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century, 2467and that's how we'll do it now. 2468 -- Dick Hamlet 2469% 2470A genius is a queer who can whistle while he works. 2471 -- Bobby Knight 2472% 2473A gorgeous young sophomore is having an affair with her English 2474professor. She goes home to visit her family for Christmas vacation 2475and when she gets back, she immediately invites him over for the 2476night. As soon as he walks through the door she hugs him and 2477asks, "Were you blue while I was away?" 2478 "Blown, my dear," the professor corrects her, "blown." 2479% 2480A grade school teacher, who was doing a unit on World War II heard that 2481the father of one of her students had been a fighter pilot during the war 2482with one of the Scandinavian Air Forces. She invited him to come in and 2483speak to the class. The guy was more than happy to talk, and began with 2484a story about a morning patrol where he had been nearly shot down. 2485 "We had been up for about 20 minutes flying over enemy held 2486territory, when we noticed, just in time, 3 fokkers diving on us from above." 2487At the first mention of `fokkers' the class giggled a little bit. 2488 "Our group broke formation, and began the dog-fighting. As we 2489fought, we noticed 2 more fokkers coming at us from above and 2 more 2490fokkers, fresh from the landing field, come to join the battle". 2491At this second and third mention of `fokkers' the class was almost laughing 2492openly, and the teacher interrupted the story to ask the pilot to explain 2493to the class that a 'fokker' was a particular type of plane flown by the 2494German Air Force. 2495 He replied, "Ya, dat is true, but these fokkers were Messerschmidts". 2496% 2497A group of scientists discovered an apelike creature in the jungle, which 2498they hoped would prove to be the missing link. The proof of their theory, 2499however, required that a human mate with the animal so that they could see 2500what characteristics the offspring would assume. Needing volunteers, the 2501scientists placed an ad in the paper: "$5000 to mate with ape." 2502 Almost immediately, they received response from a man who said he 2503would be willing to take part in the experiment, with three conditions. 2504 "First," he said, "my wife must never know. Second, any children 2505must be baptized. And, third, I'd have to pay in installments." 2506% 2507A guest in a household quite charmless 2508Was informed its eccentric was harmless: 2509 "If you're caught unawares 2510 At the head of the stairs, 2511Just remember, he's eyeless and armless." 2512 -- Edward Gorey 2513% 2514A guy comes into a bar with a frog and sets it down next to the prettiest 2515girl there. 2516 "This is a very special frog," he informs her. "His name is Charlie." 2517 "What's so special about this frog?" she asks. 2518He's reluctant to tell her, but when pressed, explains that, 2519 "This frog can eat pussy." 2520The girl slaps him, knocking him off his chair, and accuses him of telling her 2521a filthy lie. But no, he assures her, it's completely true. And after much 2522discussion, she agrees to come back to his apartment to see the frog in action. 2523She positions herself appropriately, the guy carefully takes out the frog, and 2524says, "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!" The frog is immobile, despite his 2525owner's exhortations, and the girl starts to snicker. 2526 "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!" 2527 "C'mon Charlie, do your stuff!" 2528By now, the girl is laughing openly. 2529 "Okay, Charlie," says the guy, moving the frog out of the way, "I'm 2530only going to show you one more time." 2531% 2532A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, carries it to the bathroom and dumps it 2533into a urinal. Over the course of the next few hours, he goes back to the bar 2534and repeats this sequence -- several times. Finally the bartender got so 2535curious that he leaned over the bar and asked him what he was doing. 2536 Replied the customer, "Avoiding the middleman." 2537% 2538A habit depraved and unsavory 2539Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery 2540 Midst screeches and howls 2541 He deflowered young owls 2542Which he kept in an underground aviary 2543% 2544A habit obscene and bizarre, 2545Has taken a-hold of papa. 2546 He brings home young camels 2547 And other odd mammals, 2548And gives them a go at mama. 2549% 2550A habit obscene and unsavory, 2551Holds a CS professor in slavery. 2552 With maniacal howls, 2553 He deflowers young owls, 2554That he keeps in an underground aviary. 2555% 2556A hacker who screwed a mag tape 2557Was caught and convicted of rape. 2558 To jail he did go, 2559 From which, to his woe 2560He couldn't get out with ESC. 2561% 2562A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk 2563Made love to the drive of his disk. 2564 The thing circumsized him, 2565 Which rather surprised him. 2566He wasn't aware of *that* risk. 2567% 2568A hand in a bird is worth two on 'er bush. 2569% 2570A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird. 2571% 2572A hard man is good to find. 2573% 2574A huge Rambolike fellow walked into a tavern and took a seat in the middle of 2575the bar. After downing a double in one gulp, he glared at the six men to his 2576right and said, "You're all no-good motherfuckers. Anyone have a problem with 2577that?" 2578 When no one said a word, the brawny fellow ordered another whiskey, 2579downed it in one gulp, turned to the five men on his left and said, "You're 2580all cocksuckers. Anyone have a problem with that?" 2581 Everybody on the left stared silently into his drink. Suddenly, a man 2582on the right stood up and started walking toward the big guy. "Hey, asshole!" 2583the thug bellowed. "You got a problem with what I said?" 2584 "No problem at all," came the reply. "I was just sitting at the wrong 2585end of the bar." 2586% 2587A hunter saved a native boy from a boa constrictor. In gratitude, the boy gave 2588the hunter a magic gorilla prick. The lad said the prick would do anything you 2589told it to do until you told it to do something else. When the hunter returned 2590home to England, he put the magic gorilla prick on the mantle along with some 2591of his other trophies. His wife thought it quaint and his story charming. But 2592soon, the hunter went a-safariing again. He was away for months. One evening, 2593the woman eyed the MGP carefully and whispered, "Gorilla Prick, fuck me." 2594Whereupon the thing jumped off the mantle and began to bang her with great 2595thoroughness and ferocity. For the first twenty minutes it was pure heaven, 2596but after the next few minutes it became fatiguing, and she said, "Stop it, 2597Gorilla Prick," but it didn't. After a bit more she was screaming "Stop! 2598Stop!" at the thing and trying to pull it out of her smoking hole. But nothing 2599worked. Finally, the butler bursts into the room, summoned by her screams. 2600 "Saunders, help me please!" 2601 "But what is it, Madame?" 2602 "It's a Magic Gorilla Prick!" 2603 "Gorilla prick, my ass!! ... AAAaaeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiii!!!!!!" 2604% 2605A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When 2606she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair. The man shouted, 2607"What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there." 2608 The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?" 2609% 2610A lisping fag fell off a pleasure yacht and began to scream. "Help! Help, I 2611can't thwim!" One of the other passengers heard the caterwauling and leaned 2612over the rail, remarking, "Really, there's no need to scream. Just reach out 2613and grab that buoy near you." To which the floundering sodomite answered, 2614"Buoy! Oh, thith ith no time for thekth, you degenerate... I'm dwowning!" 2615% 2616A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul. 2617 -- Norman Mailer 2618% 2619A little Mexican boy comes home from school one day and says to his grand- 2620father, "Granddaddy, today my teacher said that Pancho Villa, the bandit 2621used to raid towns around here! Did you ever know him?" 2622 "Do *I* know Pancho Villa?" exclaims the man. "Why, boy, before 2623your father was born, I was riding into town on my horse. Suddenly, from 2624behind the bushes leaped Pancho with his six-guns drawn! He told me to get 2625down off the horse and to give him all my money. Then, he told me to scoop 2626some manure from the ground and eat it!" 2627 "I refused at first, but Pancho had the guns, so I ate the shit. 2628And he started laughing so hard that it scared his horse into rearing up -- 2629I grabbed the guns from his hands! I said to Pancho, `Okay, Pancho, now 2630it's your turn -- you eat the shit!' I had the guns, so he ate the shit. 2631 "And you ask me, child, if I know Pancho Villa, the bandit! Why, 2632we had *lunch* together!" 2633% 2634A lively case was in progress in the District Court at Lick Skillet. Judge 2635Flannery was presiding, and on the witness stand was Tush Bumpass. 2636 "From where ah was standin'", drawled Tush, "Ah could see he'd 2637backed 'er up agin' thet there wall, and ef Ah ever sawed a screwin' match, 2638thet one wuz!" 2639 "Mr. Bumpass," the Judge interrupted, "I'd prefer that you not use 2640the word 'screw' in the courtroom. Say 'intercourse' instead." 2641 Tush looked puzzled. "Intercourse? Whut's thet, Judge?" 2642 His Honor sighed. "It's a technicality of language that you're 2643probably not aware of. Never mind. Please continue." 2644 "Well, like ah said, he had 'er shoved up agin' thet wall, an' he 2645was... uh... intercoursin' 'er, an' he give 'er the crossjostle, the Chicago 2646Stroke, an she let out with a holler thet..." 2647 "One moment," interrupted the Bench. "What is this, ah, Chicago 2648Stroke, Mr. Bumpass?" 2649 "Well, thet's a technicality of screwin', Judge, thet you're probably 2650not aware of!" 2651% 2652A man and a woman got married. Although it is the first time for the 2653husband, it is the woman's second marriage. As they go to bed on their 2654wedding night, the wife says to her husband: 2655 2656 "Dear, there's something I must tell you. I'm a virgin." 2657Naturally, the husband is surprised. 2658 "You've been married before!", he says, "How can you still be a 2659virgin?" 2660 "Well, it's all quite simple," she retorted, "my husband was a 2661computer programmer." 2662 "What's so odd about that?", he asked. "Why would you still be 2663a virgin after a marriage to a programmer?" 2664 "Well", she said, "all he did was sit on the edge of the bed and 2665tell me how great it was going to be." 2666% 2667A man goes into a hospital for a routine appendectomy. When he wakes up 2668from the anesthesia, he sees a large group of doctors gathered anxiously 2669around his bed. 2670 "What happened?" he asks worriedly. 2671 "Well," says one of the doctors, "there was a small clerical error, 2672and you got mixed-up with another patient. Instead of an appendectomy, we 2673performed a sex-change operation. Your penis has been removed and a vagina 2674has been crafted into place." 2675 "WHAT!!!" screams the man. "That's horrible! What am I going to 2676tell my wife? Can't you reverse it? This means I'm never going to experience 2677another erection!" 2678 "Well, you will, you *will*," reassures the doctor, "but it will, of 2679course, have to be someone else's." 2680% 2681A man is driving down the road on his way to Salerno. By the roadside he 2682sees a man hitchhiking and stops to pick him up. As the man gets into his 2683car he suddenly pulls out a gun and makes the driver get out of the car. 2684 "All right, buddy," says the man, "I want to you jerk off." 2685 "What!?" says the man, disbelievingly. 2686 "Go ahead, do it!" says the hitchhiker. 2687 So the driver masturbates, and when he is through, says, "All right, 2688I did what you wanted, can I go now?" 2689 "Nope," says the hijacker. "Do it again." 2690 "Again?" the driver exclaims. "I just did it." 2691 "Do it again." 2692 It takes a little longer this time, but he manages to come again. 2693Panting, he turns to his tormenter and again asks if he can leave. 2694 "Yes," the man replies, "but only after you've done it one more 2695time." 2696 The guy is really scared now; he's starting to sweat. It takes him 2697twenty minutes, this time, but he finally comes a third time. 2698 "Listen, buddy, can I please leave now?" 2699 "Yeah," says the man, lowering his gun. "And this is my daughter; 2700I want you to drive her into Salerno." 2701% 2702A man is marooned on a desert island with a female sheep and a male Doberman 2703for companionship. The animals soon get it on sexually, and all goes well 2704until the man becomes unbearably horny and makes his move for the ewe, at 2705which point the dog interposes himself, snarling, fangs bared. Months later, 2706a raft drifts into sight. The sailor swims out, finds a beautiful girl on it, 2707takes her to shore and feeds and comforts her. 2708 "You are so good to me," she responds gratefully. "I'd do absolutely 2709anything to show my gratitude." 2710 "Would you?" smiles the sailor as he unfastens the length of rope 2711that holds up his ragged pants. "Well, then, here -- use this as a leash 2712and take that damn dog for a walk!" 2713% 2714A man is playing golf at a very exclusive country club when he hits a hole- 2715in-one. As he takes his ball from the cup, a genie appears. 2716 "Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish. What 2717is your heart's desire?" 2718 "Great!", replies the man. I want a longer penis." 2719 "Your wish is granted," says the genie, and promptly disappears. 2720 As the golfer continues through the rest of the course he can 2721feel his penis slowly growing, to an extent that it's becoming uncomfortable. 2722By the time he completes the 18th hole it's extended down his pants leg to 2723his knee. Thinking to himself that this isn't quite what he had in mind, he 2724grabs a bucket of balls and heads back out onto the course. Three weeks later, 2725he manages another hole-in-one and the genie reappears. 2726 "Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish. What 2727is your heart's desire?" 2728 "Yeah, I know all that," replies the man. "Listen, could you make 2729my legs longer?" 2730% 2731A man is talking to his wife when he mentions that there's a "Big Dick" 2732contest at one of the bars in town and the prize for the winner is $1000. 2733 "Oh, honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that thing 2734out in public!" 2735 "But baby," he says, "$1000 is a lot of money." 2736 "I don't care!" she says, stamping her foot. "I don't want you 2737showing that thing to everybody." 2738 And the subject isn't mentioned again, until the following evening 2739when he hands her $1000. 2740 "Did you enter the contest, even after I told you I didn't want 2741you to?" she asks. 2742 "Please forgive me, turtle dove," he says. "I thought we could use 2743the money." 2744 "You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says, 2745tears welling up in her eyes. 2746 "Only enough to win, honey, only enough to win." 2747% 2748A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy. 2749% 2750A man never minds being in the doghouse 2751as long as he can get his tail outside. 2752% 2753A man rushed into a bar and breathlessly asked the bartender to pour him 2754three straight scotches. The bartender complied, and watched as he downed 2755them one after another. 2756 "Why three scotches?" the bartender asked as he paused for breath. 2757 "Well, to be honest, I'm celebrating my first blow-job." 2758 "Hell, congratulations, the next one's on me." 2759 "No, thanks," the young man replied, "if the first three didn't get 2760the taste out of my mouth, I don't think another one will." 2761% 2762A man sat down next to another passenger on a train recently and couldn't 2763help overhearing his conversation out the window with a man standing on 2764the train platform. 2765 "Thanks for putting me up while I was here, Sam," said the passenger. 2766 "Glad to do it," said the other man. 2767 "Thanks for the food and the drinks -- everything was wonderful." 2768 "It was a pleasure," said the man. 2769 "And thank your wife, Sam, she was great," said the passenger, 2770"she was a truly great lay." 2771 The man was rather taken aback by this exchange and he later turned 2772to his fellow passenger and said: "Pardon me sir, but did I understand you 2773to say that your friend's wife was a great lay?" 2774 "Well," said the other passenger, "I didn't REALLY enjoy it. But 2775Sam is a helluva nice guy." 2776% 2777A man walks into the doctor's office and the doctor says to him, "I've got 2778some good news and some bad news." 2779 "Tell me the good news first" the patient replies. 2780 "The good news is that your penis is going to be about two inches 2781longer and about an inch wider," the doctor says. 2782 "That's great!" says his patient. "What's the bad news?" 2783 "Malignant." 2784% 2785A man was playing golf one day when a little frog hopped out the water at a 2786water hazard and croaked, "I am a magic frog, and since you are the 10,000th 2787person to play through here, I'm prepared to offer you one of two magic gifts: 2788First, for a whole year you can have the most fabulous sex life that anyone 2789ever had; beyond your wildest dreams. Or, second, for a whole year you can 2790be the best golfer the world has ever known. Which do you prefer?" The man 2791thought a bit and said that he'd take the golf. Well, the man holed his wood 2792shot from where he was, completed the course in an average of 2 per hole, and 2793went round in 22. Quickly he attracted the attention of the sports world, 2794and became the world's best-known golfer, setting course records wherever 2795he went. A year later he was playing the same course inhabited by the frog, 2796and at the water hazard the frog hopped out and said, "Well, the year is up, 2797and you now revert to the 18-handicap player you were before. But tell me, I 2798was a little surprised that you chose the golf -- I take it your sex life is 2799outstanding?" The man said, "Well, I have no complaints in that department 2800at all, which is why I chose the golf." "How many times did you engage in sex 2801last year?" inquired the frog. The man thought a little and said, "Oh, eight 2802or ten times, I guess." "Damn," said the frog, "that doesn't strike me as very 2803satisfactory." "Oh, I don't know," replied the man, "it doesn't seem so bad 2804for a Catholic priest from a little town in South Dakota." 2805% 2806A man was talking to his best friend about his married life. "You know," he 2807says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to 2808me, but there's *always* that doubt. There's *always* that little doubt." 2809 "Yeah, I know what you mean," his friend replies. 2810 "Well, buddy, I've got to leave on a business trip this weekend, 2811and I wonder... well... would you watch my house while I'm gone? I trust 2812her, it's just that there's *always* that doubt." 2813 The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report. 2814 "I've got some bad news for you," says the friend. "The evening 2815after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. A man 2816got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife. 2817After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him. Then, he 2818took off his shirt and she took off her blouse. And then the light went 2819out." 2820 "*Then* what happened?" said the husband, his eyes opening wide. 2821 "Well, I don't know," replied the friend, "it was too dark to see." 2822 "Damn!" roared the husband. "You see what I mean? There's *always* 2823that doubt!" 2824% 2825A man with no arms walked into a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender 2826shoved the foaming glass in front of him. 2827 "Look," said the customer, "I have no arms -- would you please hold 2828the glass for me? 2829 "Sure," said the bartender. 2830 "If," said the customer, "you'll reach in my right hand coat pocket, 2831you'll find the money for the beer." 2832 The bartender got the money and rang up the bill. 2833 "You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. 2834Where is the men's room?" 2835 "Up the street to the light," said the bartender, "turn left, walk 2836two blocks, and there's a gas station on the corner." 2837% 2838A man's father is very, very old, and the son can't afford very good treatment 2839for him, so he's in a rather shabby, run-down nursing home. One day the son 2840wins a lottery -- and the first thing he does is install his father in the best 2841old age home that money can buy. 2842 On the first day the old man is sitting watching TV, and he starts 2843to lean a little bit to one side. Right away a nurse runs over and gently 2844straightens the old man. A little later he's eating dinner, and when he 2845finishes, he begins to tip a little bit to one side. Another nurse runs 2846over and gently pushes him upright again. 2847 The son visits his father later that evening and asks him how he's 2848being treated. 2849 "It's a wonderful place, son," replies the father. "I really like 2850it here, gourmet food, color TV's in every room, the service is unbelievable, 2851there's just one little problem." 2852 "What's that, Dad?" 2853 "They won't let you fart." 2854% 2855A mathematician named Hall 2856Has a hexahedronical ball, 2857 And the cube of its weight 2858 Times his pecker's, plus eight 2859Is his phone number -- give him a call. 2860% 2861A midget had a date with a very tall girl. It was a quiff-hanger. 2862% 2863"A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a 2864good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious 2865scruples and the police." 2866 -- Mr. Dooley 2867% 2868A mouse was sniffing around in a meadow, when an eagle swooped down, 2869swallowed him whole, and rose up in the air again. The mouse worked 2870his way through until his head was sticking out of the bird's asshole. 2871 "Say, good buddy," he squeaked, "how high up are we, anyway?" 2872 "Oh, about two thousand feet," answered the eagle. 2873 The mouse's eyes bugged out. "Hey, you wouldn't shit me, would you?" 2874% 2875A new lumberjack had just finished his first month in the lonely wilds of 2876Alaska, where there were no women for miles. He finally couldn't take it 2877anymore and nervously asked the foreman what the other men did to relieve 2878the pressure. 2879 "Try the hole in the barrel outside the shower," suggested the 2880foreman. "The other men swear by it." 2881 The lumberjack dubiously tried it out and had the experience of 2882his life. "That barrel is fantastic! Warm! Wet! I'm going to use it 2883every day!" 2884 "Every day but the third Wednesday of the month," one of the 2885other men replied. 2886 "Why not then?" 2887 "That's your day in the barrel." 2888% 2889A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately 2890wrong with a high sense of consistency. 2891 -- J. K. Galbraith 2892% 2893A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms. 2894 -- Phyllis Schlafly 2895% 2896A Norse god decides to assume human form, come down from Valhalla, and check 2897out the local action. He finds himself in the piano bar of Caesar's Boardwalk 2898Regency in Atlantic City, and sits down to sip an Acquavit or two. After a few 2899minutes, an extremely attractive young woman, having been taken with his form 2900and features, sends a drink down to him, then joins him. The chemistry between 2901them is immediate and total. They have the next drink in her room, and spend 2902the night repeatedly making passionate love. The woman has no idea of her 2903partner's true identity; all she knows is he's driving her mad. In the 2904morning, the Norse god jumps into the shower. Reflecting on the previous 2905night he decides that he wants to be honest with his new lover. Without even 2906bothering to wrap himself in a towel, he leaps from the shower into the room, 2907where the woman is still in bed, exhausted. He kneels beside the bed, looks 2908deep into her eyes and says, "Honey, I have something very important to tell 2909you -- I'm Thor!". 2910 The woman looks at him. "You're Thor?", she says. "My inthides feel 2911like grated cheeth!" 2912% 2913A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing 2914sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always 2915married. The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband, 2916to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking 2917risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed: 2918to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings, 2919thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy 2920that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing 2921children. A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised 2922by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males. 2923 -- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality", 2924 attempting to explain the lack of female interest in 2925 pornography. 2926% 2927A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing 2928sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always 2929married. The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband, 2930to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking 2931risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed: 2932to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings, 2933thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy 2934that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing 2935children. A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised 2936by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males. 2937 -- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality", 2938 attempting to explain the lack of female interest in 2939 pornography. 2940% 2941A nuclear family is out golfing one day, when it becomes clear that Dad isn't 2942going to win any trophies, at least on this course. On the 3rd hole, after 2943two miserable bogies, he misses a two foot putt and exclaims, "Shit!" 2944 His wife glances over at their sixteen year old daughter and says 2945nothing. 2946 On the fourth hole Dad tees off with an incredible hook, and, after 2947the inevitable exclamation, his wife reproves him with "Honey!" 2948 This continues on, with his golfing getting worse and his wife getting 2949more and more upset about his language. Finally, on the 17th hole, he again 2950misses a very easy putt. Flinging his club down, he curses the hole, the 2951club, and the sunset, using the word "fuck" for the first time. His wife 2952whirls around and cries, "Honey! Our daughter is standing right next to you!" 2953 Feeling remorseful, but somewhat defensive, he turns to the 2954daughter and says, "Well, Cindy, you've heard that word before, haven't 2955you?" 2956 "Yes," the daughter replies, "but never in anger." 2957% 2958A nymph hits you and steals your virginity. 2959% 2960A pair of suburban couples who had known each other for quite some time 2961talked it over and decided to do a little conjugal swapping. The trade 2962was made the following evening and the newly arranged couples retired to 2963their respective houses. After about an hour of bedroom bliss, one of 2964the wives propped herself up on an elbow, looked at her new partner and 2965said: "Well, I wonder how the boys are getting along?" 2966% 2967A pederastic necrophiliac is a gentleman who is 2968true to the very end of the end of a friend. 2969% 2970A performing octopus could play the piano, the zither and a piccolo, and his 2971trainer wanted him to add the bagpipe to his accomplishments. With this in 2972mind, a bagpipe was placed in the octopus's room, and the trainer awaited 2973results. Hours passed, but no bagpipe music was heard. Since the talented 2974octopus usually learned quickly, the trainer was disturbed. Opening the door 2975the next morning, he asked the octopus, 2976 "Have you learned to play that thing yet?" 2977 "Play it!" retorted the octopus. "I've been trying to lay it all 2978night!" 2979% 2980A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely 2981called a liberal. 2982% 2983A policeman is walking his beat when he finds an inebriated man collapsed 2984against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his 2985hands. He's moaning something about how "They took my car!" Seeing that 2986the man is well-dressed, the officer suspects that he may have a real case 2987of theft on his hands and attempts to question the man. 2988 "What happened to your car?" 2989 "My car, it was right on the end of my key, and those bastards 2990stole it! Please officer, get my Porsche back. My God, it was right on 2991the end of my key! Where is it? They stole it and it was right here; 2992right on my key!" 2993 "OK, OK, stand up, we'll see what we can do. You'll have to come 2994down to the stat... Mister, your fly's unzipped and you're exposing 2995yourself!" 2996 "Oh my God, they stole my girlfriend!" 2997% 2998A pretty young lady named Vogel 2999Once sat herself down on a molehill. 3000 A curious mole 3001 Nosed into her hole -- 3002Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill. 3003% 3004A pretty young maiden from France 3005Decided she'd "just take a chance." 3006 She let herself go 3007 For an hour or so 3008And now all her sisters are aunts. 3009% 3010A proctologist is a doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice. 3011% 3012A programmer down in Moline 3013Said, I'm the match for any machine. 3014 My secret's aversion, 3015 To loops and recursion, 3016Just acres of in-line routine. 3017 -- W.J. Wilson 3018% 3019A progressive professor named Winners 3020Held classes each evening for sinners. 3021 They were graded and spaced 3022 So the vile and debased 3023Would not be held back by beginners. 3024% 3025A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere, is 3026having fun. 3027% 3028A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep 3029up with yesterday. 3030% 3031A remarkable race are the Persians; 3032They have such peculiar diversions. 3033 They make love the whole day 3034 In the usual way 3035And save up the nights for perversions. 3036% 3037A retired schoolteacher finally decided that she was tired of living alone 3038and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided 3039to visit the local pet shop. The owner suggested a parrot, with which she 3040could conduct a civilized conversation. This seemed to be an excellent 3041idea, so she bought a handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room, 3042and said, "Say 'Pretty boy.'" Silence from the bird. "Come on now, say 3043'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'" 3044 At long last, disgustedly, the bird said, "Oh, shit." 3045 Shocked, the schoolteacher said, "Just for that, you get five minutes 3046in the refrigerator." Five minutes later she put the shivering bird back on 3047its perch and said, "Now let's hear it: 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'" 3048 "Damn it, wouldja lay off, lady?" said the parrot. 3049 Outraged, the woman grabbed the bird, said, "That's it! Ten minutes 3050in the freezer," and slammed the door on him. 3051 Hopping about to keep warm, what does the parrot come across but a 3052big frozen turkey waiting for Thanksgiving. Startled, he squawks, "My God, 3053you must have told the bitch to go fuck herself!" 3054% 3055A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From 3056his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched, 3057sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprietor, "How much 3058to replace this, Ian?" The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'l be four 3059pence." Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?" The prop. looks the 3060condom over carefully, and says "Three pence to repair." The Scotsman ponders 3061for a moment, then says, "I'll be back." 3062 Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and 3063says, "Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!" 3064% 3065A Scotsman clad in kilts left a bar one evening fair. 3066One could tell by how he walked, he'd drunk more than his share. 3067He staggered on until he could no longer keep his feet. 3068So he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street. 3069 3070Later on two young and lovely girls just happened by. 3071One says to the other, with a twinkle in her eye. 3072"See yon sleeping Scotsman so young and handsome built?" 3073"I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilts?" 3074 3075They stepped up to the Scotsman, so young and fancy free. 3076They lifted up his kilt above the waist so they could see. 3077And there behold for them the view beneath his Scottish skirt, 3078Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth. 3079 3080They marveled for a moment, then one said, "Best be gone." 3081"Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along." 3082As a gift they left a blue ribbon tied into a bow, 3083Around the bonny star of the Scot's kilt lifting show. 3084 3085The Scot awoke to nature's call and stumbled to the trees. 3086Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he see's. 3087Then in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes, 3088"Och, lad I dinna know whar' ya been, but I see ya won first prize." 3089 -- Mike Cross, "The Scotsman" 3090% 3091A sheriff arrived at the scene of the horrible accident just as his deputy, 3092all alone, was climbing down from the controls of a bulldozer. "Say, 3093Junior, what's goin' on?" asked the sheriff. 3094 "A bus full of migrant workers went out of control and over the 3095cliff, and I just finished buryin' 'em," explained the deputy. 3096 "Good work, boy," replied the sheriff. "Pretty gory work -- were 3097all of 'em dead?" 3098 Junior nodded sadly and said, "Some of them said they weren't, but 3099you know how them Mex'cans lie." 3100% 3101A shy young man, preparing himself for what he hoped would be the ultimate sex 3102act with a pretty young lady, went into a drugstore to inquire about sizes and 3103styles of condoms. The lusty proprietress, a buxom widow, saw an opportunity 3104for fun at the lad's expense. 3105 "Come in the back and try some on for size," she said, taking his hand. 3106The widow unzipped the youth's fly and watched the small instrument grow in 3107her hand as she measured it. When the weapon had unfurled to a rosy seven and 3108a half inches, the young man, unable to contain himself, had an orgasm with a 3109tremendous discharge. After recovering, he asked the widow if she could now 3110give him the proper size. 3111 "I'll do more than that," she said. "I'll give you free meals and a 3112half interest in the store." 3113% 3114A son takes his Italian immigrant father to his first baseball game. It 3115happens that it's Old Timer's Day at Yankee stadium and all the baseball 3116greats are there. The son escorts his father to box seats right on the 3117third base line and seats him with beer and a Yankees cap. 3118 The first batter up is Mickey Mantle. On the second pitch he 3119swings that bat and CRACK! The ball ricochets off the wall for a double. 3120The crowd goes crazy and the father stands up and yells, "Runna Mickey! 3121Runna Mickey!" 3122 The next batter up is Joe DiMaggio. The pitcher, pitching him 3123carefully, works him to a 3-2 count and just misses the outside corner. 3124 "Ball four!" yells the umpire and Joe tosses his bat aside and begins 3125to walk to first base. 3126 The father yells out, "Runna Joe! Runna Joe!" 3127 "No, no, Pop," corrects his son. "He got four balls. He walks." 3128 And the old man clenches his fist and says solemnly, "Walka proud 3129Joe. Walka proud." 3130% 3131A stately-looking matron was walking through the Bronx Zoo, studying the 3132animals. When she passed the porcupine enclosure she beckoned to a nearby 3133attendant. 3134 "Young man," she began, "do North American porcupines have sharper 3135pricks than those raised in Africa?" 3136 The attendant hesitated for a moment. "Well, ma'am," he answered, 3137"the African porcupine's quills are sharper... but I think their pricks are 3138about the same." 3139% 3140A stranger had just arrived in the mining town and was spending the evening at 3141the local saloon. After a few drinks, he mentioned to the bartender that he 3142hadn't seen a single woman in the entire town. 3143 The bartender replied, "Nope. Ain't no women in this town!" 3144 "No women? What do the men do for... er..." 3145 "Oh, for sex? Did you see all those pigs in the street? That's the 3146answer, right there." 3147 Shaking his head incredulously, the stranger settled back to his 3148drinking. Within a short time, however, the liquor had convinced him that he 3149wanted to try out a pig himself. He had watched several miners walk upstairs 3150to the trysting rooms with squealing piglets under their arms. Now, he was 3151game to make his move. He wandered out to the back of the saloon and chose 3152a nice fat, pink sow. As he walked to the stairs, the entire saloon went 3153quiet. In the embarrassing hush, all eyes were upon him. 3154 "What's the matter? I thought all you fellows did this!" 3155 "Yeah, but that's Black Bart's girl," replied the barkeep. 3156% 3157A sweet young schoolteacher who had always been virtuous was invited to go 3158for a ride in the country with the gym instructor, whom she admired. Under 3159a tree on the bank of a quiet lake, she struggled with her conscience and 3160with the gym instructor and finally gave in to the latter. Sobbing 3161uncontrollably she asked her seducer, 3162 "How can I ever face my students again, knowing I have sinned twice?" 3163 "Twice?" asked the young man, confused. 3164 "Why, yes," said the sweet teacher, wiping a tear from her eye. 3165"You're going to do it again, aren't you?" 3166% 3167A teacher announces to her class, "Children, the student who can name the 3168greatest man who ever lived will win a shiny red apple." 3169 Immediately an Italian boy raises his hand. 3170 "Yes, Tony?" 3171 "Christopher Columbus!" says Tony. 3172 "Well," says the teacher, "Christopher Columbus was a very great man, 3173but I don't think he was the greatest man who ever lived." 3174 From the back of the room little Bernie Goldstein raises his hand. 3175 "Yes, Bernie?" 3176 "Jesus Christ", says Bernie. 3177 "That is correct, Bernie," pronounces the teacher. "And here is 3178your apple." 3179 When Bernie gets up to the front of the room to claim his prize, 3180the teacher says, "Bernie, given the fact that you're Jewish, I'm surprised 3181that you thought Jesus was the greatest man who ever lived." 3182 "Well, actually," replies Bernie, "I do think Moses had the edge, 3183but business is business." 3184% 3185A team playing baseball in Dallas 3186Called the umpire blind out of malice. 3187 While this worthy had fits 3188 The team made eight hits 3189And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. 3190% 3191A toast to the kisses you've snatched and vice-versa. 3192% 3193A trapper named Francois Lefebrve 3194Once captured and buggered a beabrve. 3195 The result of this fuck 3196 Was a three titted duck, 3197A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve. 3198% 3199A traveling circus was performing in a small town, around the turn of the 3200century, when many of the circus animals were still considered to be very 3201rare and exotic. One night one of the elephants escaped. It was hungry 3202and found a garden in a little old lady's backyard. The woman, who had 3203never before seen an elephant, was hysterical and called the police. 3204 3205Little Old Lady: "There's a *huge* monster in my garden! 3206Police: "Calm down, ma'am, everything will be all right. Now exactly what 3207 does it look like?" 3208LOL: "It's a dark color and it's tremendous! It's pulling up my 3209 vegetables with its tail!" 3210Police: "With its tail? Then what's it doing?" 3211LOL: "You wouldn't believe me if I told you!" 3212% 3213A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry. 3214% 3215A virgin is chaste. 3216% 3217A virginal is a harpsichord that has never been plucked. 3218% 3219A virtuous abstinence from the joys of pederasty 3220comes most easily to those who have no taste for it. 3221 -- Oscar Wilde 3222% 3223A wanton young lady from Wimley 3224Reproached for not acting quite primly 3225 Said, "Heavens above! 3226 I know sex isn't love, 3227But it's such an entrancing facsimile." 3228% 3229A widow who fancied a man some 3230Was diddled three times in a hansom. 3231 When she clamored for more 3232 Her young man became sore 3233And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson." 3234% 3235A witty writer, K. Kraus in the Vienna "Fackel", has as it were, expressed 3236this truth paradoxically in the cynical saying: "Coitus is merely an 3237unsatisfactory substitute for onanism!" 3238 -- Sigmund Freud, attempting to explain why 3239 masturbation is "by no means harmless" 3240% 3241A woman had a followup visit with her doctor after his prescribing fairly high 3242dosages of testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried 3243about some of the side effects she was experiencing. 3244 "Doctor Keyes, the hormones you've been giving me have helped a lot 3245with my menopausal symptoms, but I'm really afraid that you're giving me too 3246much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before!" 3247 The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal 3248side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?" 3249 "On my balls." 3250% 3251A woman is driving down the street, her ten-year-old daughter belted into 3252the passenger seat. The daughter asks "Mommy, how old are you?" 3253 The mother says "That's a personal question. It's not nice to ask 3254people personal questions." 3255 The daughter thinks a while, then asks "Mommy, how much do you weigh?" 3256 The mother replies "That's a personal question too. I'm not going 3257to tell you." 3258 Chastised, the daughter asks no more questions. The mother parks the 3259car. "I'm going to see Mrs. Tristan for a couple of minutes. You stay here in 3260the car and watch my purse." 3261 After the mother leaves, the daughter removes her mother's driver's 3262license from the purse, studies it for a few minutes and replaces it. When 3263her mother returns they drive off. The little girl comments: 3264 "Mommy, I know how old you are. You're 32." 3265 "That's right! How did you know?" 3266 "And you weigh 119 pounds." 3267 "Did you look in my purse?" 3268 "And I know why you and Daddy divorced." 3269 "You *do*?" 3270 "Yes," said the daughter. "Because you flunked sex!" 3271% 3272"A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her 3273drawers." 3274 -- Blind Lemon Pledge 3275% 3276A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive 3277little thing -- tender, sweet, and stupid. 3278 -- Adolf Hitler 3279% 3280A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. 3281It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure. 3282 -- Karl Kraus, "Die Fackel" 3283% 3284A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments. 3285 -- Herodotus 3286% 3287A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social 3288pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate 3289woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without 3290love, without virtue, without sex. 3291 -- Balzac 3292% 3293A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot. 3294 -- Pancho Villa 3295% 3296A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long 3297as he can. 3298 -- Moms Mabley 3299% 3300A worried young man from Stamboul 3301Founds lots of red spots on his tool. 3302 Said the doctor, a cynic, 3303 "Get out of my clinic; 3304Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!" 3305% 3306A young boy is told by his puritanical father than he should never have 3307sex with a woman, because a woman has teeth in her vagina and will bite 3308off his penis. 3309 The years go by, and the boy finally marries. After a rather 3310uninspiring honeymoon his wife finally confronts him and demands that he 3311tell her why he won't make love to her. 3312 "Well, honey," he replies. "You have... teeth... down there." 3313 "What!?" she replies unbelievingly. "No I don't! Honest, darling, 3314come here and look for yourself." 3315 The man rather hesitantly examines her very thoroughly. 3316 "There!" his wife says triumphantly. "Now do you believe me?" 3317 "Yes," replied her husband. "And your gums are in *terrible* 3318condition." 3319% 3320A young lady friend of mine just swallowed a razor blade... 3321She performed a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy, 3322three circumcisions, and cut off the finger of a casual friend. 3323% 3324A young man walks into a bus station, and goes into the men's room to relieve 3325himself. When he steps in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous penis 3326he has ever seen. As he urinates, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member 3327of the tiny man dressed in green. The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him 3328if he is indeed a real leprechaun. 3329 The little man says, "Aye, me laddie, I'm a leprechaun, and I can 3330grant you three wishes." 3331 "Oh, wow!" comes the reply, "What do I need to do?" 3332 "Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the 3333ladies, the thing not fittin' and all... I'll grant you your three wishes 3334if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick 'til I come." The man is a bit taken 3335aback, but agrees, realizing that the three wishes will be priceless. After 3336the tiny fellow has come, he starts to walk away. 3337 The man exclaims, "Hey, what about my three wishes?" 3338 Replies the leprechaun, "How old are you, me boy?" 3339 "25." 3340 "Aren't you a wee bit old to be believin' in leprechauns?" 3341% 3342A young New York housewife was shocked by some of the language used by her 3343daughter. When asked about it, the daughter said she had learned it from 3344a small girl she played with in the park. The next day, the mother sought 3345out the little girl as she played in the park. "Are you the little girl 3346who uses bad words?" 3347 "Who told you?" 3348 "A little bird," answered the mother. 3349 "Well, I like that!" exclaimed the small girl. "And I've been 3350feeding the little bastards, too!" 3351% 3352A young woman was afflicted with three brothers who had a friendly competition 3353as to who was the best practical joker. When she announced her marriage, 3354like all good brothers, they immediately found out where the honeymoon would 3355be and repaired there to do their worst, er, best. The brother who was a 3356carpenter went first, and came back out in five minutes. The brother who 3357worked as a plumber went second and was out in about half an hour. Finally, 3358the brother employed as a dentist went inside and came out almost immediately. 3359A few days after the start of their sister's honeymoon the brothers each 3360received a telegram from their sister. It read: 3361 3362 I liked the couch falling apart when we sat on it. I was amused 3363 when the shower went cold five minutes after it started. But I'm 3364 going to kill whoever put the novicaine into the KY jelly... 3365% 3366Aboard the good ship Venus, The cabin boy, the captain's joy, 3367The mast it was a penis, A cunning little nipper, 3368 Her figurehead They filled his ass, 3369 A whore in bed, With broken glass, 3370Good grief you should have seen us! And circumcised the skipper. 3371 3372The first mate's name was Higgins, The captain's daughter Mabel, 3373And Higgins was a biggins, They screwed when they were able, 3374 Once round the deck, They nailed her tits, 3375 Twice up the mast, Those nasty shits, 3376And the rest was used for riggins'! Right to the captain's table. 3377 3378The engineer's name was Carter, The second mate's name was Andy, 3379And Carter was a farter, By God, he was a dandy, 3380 When the wind wouldn't blow, They broke his cock, 3381 And the ship couldn't go, With chunks of rock, 3382Carter the farter would start her! For conking in the brandy! 3383% 3384Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder. 3385% 3386"Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western 3387religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of 3388Western science." 3389 -- Gary Zukav, "The Dancing Wu Li Masters" 3390% 3391AC/DC is a rock band. 3392 -- Bisexuality, 101 3393% 3394Achilles' Biological Findings: 3395 (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. If he 3396 looks like a neighbor, that's environment. 3397 (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first 3398 -- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the 3399 rooster. 3400% 3401Adam's Law: 3402 (1) Women don't know what they want; 3403 they don't like what they have got. 3404 (2) Men know very well what they want; 3405 having got it, they begin to lose interest. 3406% 3407Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are better than sex, 3408and a lot more that are worse; but there's nothing quite like it... 3409% 3410Adopting the metric system would have certain psychological advantages -- 3411such as being able to claim 18 centimeters instead of seven inches. 3412% 3413ADULTERY: 3414 Putting yourself in someone else's position. 3415% 3416Advertising is the most fun of anything you can do with your clothes on. 3417 -- Mary Wells, advertising executive 3418% 3419After a few steamy dances and a few more drinks, the pickup couple 3420are back at his place tearing their clothes off. Things are really 3421starting to heat up when he leaps out of bed and starts frantically 3422rummaging through a dresser drawer. 3423 "What are you doing?" she asks. 3424 "Just a second, honey, I'm trying to find my lucky rubber." 3425% 3426After an evening at the theatre and several nightcaps at an intimate little 3427bistro, the young man whispered to his date, "How do you feel about making 3428love to men?" 3429 "That's MY business," she snapped. 3430 "Ah," he said. "A professional." 3431% 3432After cocktails in the Oak Room, the graying millionaire took the blond, 3433attractive, wholesome, winning young woman up to his suite. They chatted 3434for a while, and then kissed on the couch. A little fondling, some feeling 3435and petting ... to which the young lady lent herself shyly ... and then they 3436were in the wide, cool bed, naked together. They chatted more, established 3437a communion, a rapport the older man considered remarkably gratifying. The 3438girl seemed sympatico, innocent, good. 3439 "Yes, that was it," he thought, "essentially good. Why, she could 3440be my own daughter." He smiled into the young girl's deep blue eyes. 3441 "Tell me," he asked, his hand on her breast, "What's a nice girl 3442like you doing in a hotel like this?" 3443 "Oh, about $2000 a week, with tips." 3444% 3445After Joan and Max had been married for 25 years, Max became disinterested 3446in sex, and his libido began to wan dramatically. In desperation, Joan 3447hauled him to a marriage counselor, who listened patiently to Joan's complaints 3448and Max's protestations. Max claimed that he was being nagged unmercifully 3449to fulfill Joan's needs, and that after awhile every marriage tended to 3450become less physical. Joan said that that wasn't true and that she had 3451needs and desires that he, as her husband, was expected to fulfill. Finally, 3452the counselor issued the verdict. "Max," he said, "Everybody has to give a 3453little for a marriage to work. From now on, no matter how you feel at the 3454time, you must give Joan her conjugal rights at least semi-annually. And, 3455remember, do it in a loving, considerate manner; after all, you and your 3456wife are a partnership of love." Joan was delighted, and floated out of the 3457counselor's offices. On the way downstairs, she nudged Max. 3458 "So, honey, tell me... how many times a week is semi-annually?" 3459% 3460After making a daring escape from the penitentiary, the convict eluded 3461bloodhounds and police roadblocks and dodged helicopter searchlights on 3462his way to see his wife. Finally sneaking in the back entrance, he knocked 3463on the door and smiled triumphantly as she opened it. "Where the hell have 3464you been?" she blared. "You busted out more than six hours ago!" 3465% 3466After repeatedly warding off her date's amorous advances during the evening, 3467the pretty young thing decided to put her foot down: "See here," she shouted 3468indignantly. "This is positively the last time I'm going to tell you `no'." 3469 "Splendid!" exclaimed her date. "Now we can start making some 3470progress." 3471% 3472After rushing into a drugstore, the nervous young man was obviously 3473embarrassed when a prim thirty-ish woman asked if she could serve him. 3474 "N-no," he stammered, "I'd like to see the druggist." 3475 "I'm the druggist", she replied cheerfully. 3476 "Oh.. well, uh, it's nothing important," he said, and turned to leave. 3477 "Young man," said the woman, "my sister and I have been running this 3478drugstore for nearly ten years. There is nothing you can tell us that will 3479embarrass us. 3480 "Well, all right," he said. "I have this awful sexual hunger that 3481nothing will appease. No matter how many times I make love, I still want to 3482make love again and again. Is there anything you can give me for it?" 3483 "Just a moment," said the woman, "I'll have to discuss this with my 3484sister." 3485 A few minutes later, she returned. "The best we can do," she said, 3486"is room and board and a half-interest in the business." 3487% 3488After spending a forbidden night on the town, two young nuns were trying 3489to sneak through the fence surrounding their Convent. 3490 "You know," giggled one as she held the wire apart for the other 3491to crawl through, "I feel like a Marine." 3492 "So do I," the other nun sighed, "but where are we going to 3493find one at three in the morning?" 3494% 3495After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that 3496brought tears to my eyes. He said, "No hablo ingles." 3497 -- Ronnie Shakes 3498% 3499After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body. 3500 -- Joan Rivers 3501% 3502Ah spring, when a fancy young man lightly turns his lover over. 3503% 3504AI hackers do it robotically. 3505% 3506A.I. hackers do it with robots. 3507% 3508Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget 3509 cuts. 3510Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves. 3511Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion. 3512Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves. 3513% 3514Al Gore resembled a Vulcan desperately in need of a blow job. 3515 -- Bobcat Goldthwait 3516% 3517Alaska, where Moosehead isn't a beer, it's a misdemeanor. 3518 3519Q: You know how to figure out if your lover's been "invovlved"? 3520A: Antler marks on their hips. 3521% 3522Alcohol is like love: the first kiss is magic, the second is intimate, 3523the third is routine. After that you just take the girl's clothes off. 3524 -- Raymond Chandler 3525% 3526Alcoholics Anonymous is when you get to drink under someone else's name. 3527% 3528Alex came home from a business trip to Chicago and found no one home but his 3529daughter Rose, who was crying bitterly. 3530 "What's the matter, darling?" asked Alex. 3531 "Mommy almost died last night," sobbed Rose. 3532 "That's nonsense," said the father. "Why do you say that?" 3533 "Well," said Rose,"you always told us that when we die we'll see God; 3534so when I heard Mommy moaning last night I rushed to her bedroom and she was 3535screaming, "Oh God, here I come," and she would have but Uncle Jerry held her 3536down." 3537% 3538"Algorithms" is an anagram for "Hilt orgasm". Maybe this explains 3539the popularity of this field of study in computer science. 3540% 3541alimony, n: 3542 Having an ex you can bank on. 3543% 3544All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm 3545place to shift. 3546% 3547All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell 3548them apart. 3549% 3550All I really want in life is a piece and some quiet. 3551% 3552All I want is a girl made of wood, 3553With fine-grained hair and carven knee. 3554She wouldn't drink and wouldn't smoke, 3555Oh, wooden tit be loverly? 3556 -- Pinocchio 3557% 3558All jobs should be open to everybody, unless they actually require a 3559penis or a vagina. 3560 -- Florynce Kennedy 3561 3562There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis 3563or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone. 3564 -- Gloria Steinem 3565% 3566All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most 3567injurious things against him, but we never hear his side. 3568 -- Mark Twain 3569% 3570All the girls in France, do a hookie-kookie dance, 3571And you know the way they shake, is enough to fry a snake, 3572And the snake they fry, is enough to tell a lie, 3573And the lie they tell, is enough to go to 3574Hello, operator, give me number nine, 3575If you disconnect me, I'll kick you in the 3576Behind the 'frigerator, there was a piece of glass, 3577If you do not pick it up, I'll kick you in the 3578Ask me no more questions, tell me no more lies, 3579This is what Lulu told me, just before she died. 3580She had a little brother, she named him Tiny Tim, 3581She put him in the potty, to see if he could swim. 3582He swam down to the bottom, he swam up to the top, 3583Lulu got disgusted, and flushed him down the pot. 3584 -- Princess 3585% 3586All the waters of the earth are in the armpit of the Great Frog. 3587 -- R. Crumb 3588% 3589All things dull and ugly, Each little snake that poisons, 3590All creatures short and squat, Each little wasp that stings, 3591All things rude and nasty, He made their brutish venom, 3592The Lord God made the lot; He made their horrid wings. 3593 3594All things sick and cancerous, Each nasty little hornet, 3595All evil great and small, Each beastly little squid. 3596All things foul and dangerous, Who made the spikey urchin? 3597The Lord God made them all. Who made the sharks? He did. 3598 3599All things scabbed and ulcerous, 3600All pox both great and small. 3601Putrid, foul and gangrenous, 3602The Lord God made them all. 3603 -- Monty Python 3604% 3605All things dull and ugly, All creatures short and squat, 3606 All things rude and nasty, The Lord God made the lot; 3607Each little snake that poisons, Each little wasp that stings, 3608 He made their brutish venom, He made their horrid wings. 3609All things sick and cancerous, All evil great and small, 3610 All things foul and dangerous, The Lord God made them all. 3611Each nasty little hornet, Each beastly little squid. 3612 Who made the spikey urchin? Who made the sharks? He did. 3613All things scabbed and ulcerous, All pox both great and small. 3614 Putrid, foul and gangrenous, The Lord God made them all. 3615 -- Monty Python's Flying Circus 3616% 3617All this big deal about white collar crime -- what's WRONG with white collar 3618crime? Who enjoys his job today? You? Me? Anybody? The only satisfying 3619part of any job is coffee break, lunch hour and quitting time. Years ago 3620there was at least the hope of improvement -- eventual promotion -- more 3621important jobs to come. Once you can be sold the myth that you may make 3622president of the company you'll hardly ever steal stamps. But nobody 3623believes he's going to be president anymore. The more people change jobs 3624the more they realize that there is a direct connection between working for 3625a living and total stupefying boredom. So why NOT take revenge? You're not 3626going to find ME knocking a guy because he pads an expense account and his 3627home stationery carries the company emblem. Take away crime from the white 3628collar worker and you will rob him of his last vestige of job interest. 3629 -- J. Feiffer 3630% 3631All work and no pay makes a housewife. 3632% 3633Already the spirit of our schooling is permeated with the feeling that every 3634subject, every topic, every fact, every professed truth must be submitted 3635to a certain publicity and impartiality. All proffered samples of learning 3636must go to the same assay-room and be subjected to common tests. It is the 3637essence of all dogmatic faiths to hold that any such "show-down" is 3638sacrilegious and perverse. The characteristic of religion, from their point 3639of view, is that it is intellectually secret, not public; peculiarly revealed, 3640not generall known; authoritatively declared, not communicated and tested 3641in ordinary ways...It is pertinent to point out that, as long as religion 3642is conceived as it is now by the great majority of professed religionists, 3643there is something self-contradictory in speaking of education in religion 3644in the same sense in which we speak of education in topics where the method 3645of free inquiry has made its way. The "religious" would be the last to be 3646willing that either the history of the content of religion should be taught 3647in this spirit; while those to whom the scientific standpoint is not merely 3648a technical device, but is the embodiment of the integrity of mind, must 3649protest against its being taught in any other spirit. 3650 -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908 3651% 3652Although a fifth-generation American, Father Sweeny was more Irish than most 3653of Erin's natives. He spoke with an Irish brogue which had mysteriously 3654appeared during his nineteenth year and he *hated* the English. Due to his 3655proclivity to belabor the British from his pulpit, complaints to his 3656superiors were not infrequent. He would blame anything evil or merely 3657inconvenient on the English people. If there was an act of terrorism, the 3658responsibility was promptly laid at the feet of the Brits. If there was a 3659natural disaster, undoubtedly the English government was an accessory to 3660the fact, if not outrightly culpable. Repeatedly, his superiors called him 3661on the carpet for his behavior. After a particularly vituperative 3662anti-British broadside, the Bishop instructed Father Sweeny to come straight 3663to his office; do not pass GO; do not collect two hundred dollars. Summing 3664up a humiliating and soul-marking reprimand, the Bishop ended with: "Next 3665week is Saint Patrick's Day. If you so much as *mention* the British, it's 3666your last sermon!" 3667 3668The following Sunday, as Father Sweeny spoke lovingly and eloquently of 3669Saint Patrick, and he made a reference to the last Passover celebrated by 3670Christ and His disciples. "Sure, an' you're all familiar with the tale. 3671You know that Our Lord sat at the table and told his disciples that one 3672among them would betray Him. As He looked around the table, He stopped at 3673Peter, the Rock, who said, `Not I, Lord!' He looked at Thomas, who doubted, 3674and Thomas said, `I could never do such a thing!' Then the Lord looked long 3675and hard at Judas Iscariot, who said, `Cor, bloimy, Guv'na, you couldn't 3676main may!'" 3677% 3678Always talk to your wife while you're 3679making love... if there's a phone handy. 3680% 3681ambition, n: 3682 An ant crawling up an elephant's leg with rape on his mind. 3683% 3684America ... just a nation of two hundred million used car salesman 3685with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing 3686anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable. 3687 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing on the Campaign 3688 Trail" 3689% 3690America cannot be sold a can of beer without 3691being offered a piece of pussy along with it. 3692 -- Julius Lester 3693% 3694America, I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel. 3695 -- Allen Ginsberg 3696% 3697America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it 3698wags its tail, it knocks over a chair. 3699 -- Arnold Joseph Toynbee 3700% 3701American culture is based on the automobile, and any young man of promise 3702is going to own one and want to travel great distances in it. Consequently, 3703any young woman of aspiration should expect to spend most of her vacations 3704in a car, probing into unfamiliar corners. She is not required to know how 3705to drive but she will certainly be expected to read the road map while her 3706husband drives, and if she can't, or if she's abnormally slow in giving him 3707help, she's bound to cause trouble. Therefore, you'd think that colleges 3708which train the bright young women who're going to marry the bright young 3709men who are going to own the Cadillacs that roar back and forth across this 3710continent would teach the girls to read maps. None do. They teach a hundred 3711other useless things, but never a word about the one that will cause the 3712greatest friction. 3713 -- James Michener, "Space" 3714% 3715America's two greatest inventions are finger-fucking and carpet-bombing. 3716 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 3717% 3718An 11 is a 10 who doesn't have headaches. 3719% 3720An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese refugee had a discussion about 3721the happiness of life. 3722 "To me, happiness is returning home on a Monday evening, having a wonderful 3723dinner prepared by my wife, then slouching on the sofa watching Monday Night 3724Football," the American said. 3725 "You Americans are not romantic at all", the French injected, "Sharing 3726a beautiful evening with my lover, walking along the Seine river, and having a 3727romantic dinner on top of the Eiffel tower. That is happiness of life." 3728 "You call those things happiness", the Vietnamese laughed, "then you 3729two still don't understand life at all. Imagine this. You are sleeping 3730soundly at night in Saigon. Then suddenly you hear loud knocks on your front 3731door. You hear loud voices, 'Mr. Nguyen Van Binh, open the door!'. Quaking 3732with fear, you rush out and open the door. Right there, you see two secret 3733policemen ready to handcuff you. One of them says to you, 'Mr. Nguyen Van 3734Binh, you are under arrest for your anti-revolutionary activities. You are 3735being sent to the re-educational camp tonight!' Sweating profusely and 3736shaking uncontrollably, you reply to them, 'Comrades, Mr. Nguyen Van Binh 3737lives next door.' That moment is happiness in life, my friends. 3738% 3739An American businessman in London was given special visitor's privileges at an 3740exclusive men's club. Striding in one afternoon, the American approached the 3741only other man in the lounge and tried to strike up a conversation. "Care 3742for a cigar?" he asked. 3743 "No, thank you," the Englishman replied. "I tried smoking once and 3744didn't like it." 3745 "Would you care to join me in the bar for a drink, then?" the 3746businessman asked. 3747 "No, thank you. I tried drinking once and it didn't agree with me." 3748 "Well, how about a game of billiards?" 3749 "Sorry. I tried it once and couldn't seem to get the hang of it." 3750 As the American started to turn away, the Englishman said, "But my 3751son will be here shortly, and I'm sure he would enjoy a game with you." 3752 "Your son? An only child, I presume." 3753% 3754An American couple is in Paris, a much awaited trip, when suddenly the wife 3755dies of a heart attack. The husband decides to have her buried there as the 3756visit to France was something they had longed for for many years. All 3757arrangements are made when he suddenly realizes that he doesn't have a black 3758hat for the funeral. The hotel concierge tells him that what he wants is a 3759"chapeau noir." So off he goes to find a store open late. 3760 First he meets a gendarme and in his fractured French asks, "M'sieur, 3761ou pouvais-je acheter un capeau noir?" 3762 The policeman is a bit surprised but, after thinking a bit, gives our 3763friend directions. The store -- if that is what it is -- looks a little seedy 3764and run down, but the man behind the counter looks friendly so in goes our 3765hero. He speaks first: 3766 "M'sieur, je veux acheter un capeau noir." 3767 "Mais, monsieur, j'ai des capeaux rouges, des capeaux blancs, et des 3768capeaux marrons, mais pas des capeaux noires. Pourquoi avez vous besoin d'un 3769capeau noir?" 3770 "Ma femme est morte." 3771 "O Monsieur! Quelle beau sentiment!" 3772% 3773An American walks into an Irish pub around lunchtime, and finds the place 3774is completely filled and there are no chairs available, with the exception 3775of one -- seating a Chihuahua next to a woman. He very politely asks her 3776if she would mind placing her dog on the floor for a few minutes while he 3777got a quick bite to eat. 3778 "I most certainly would!", the woman haughtily replies. "Little 3779Fifi *always* sits next to me at lunchtime and there she will stay!" 3780 Whereupon, the American picks up the Chihuahua, throws it out of 3781an open window and takes the seat. 3782 An Irishman, watching the whole encounter, walks over, taps the 3783American on the shoulder and says, "Mate, I guess I never will understand 3784you Americans. You drink your beer cold, drive on the right side of the 3785street, and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window!" 3786% 3787An angst-ridden amorist, Fred, 3788Saw sartorial changes ahead. 3789 His mind kept on ringing 3790 With fishy girls singing; 3791Soft fruit also filled him with dread. 3792 -- J. Walker, "The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock" 3793% 3794An architect fellow named Yoric 3795Could, when feeling euphoric, 3796 Display for selection 3797 Three kinds of erection -- 3798Corinthian, ionic, and doric. 3799% 3800An Army travels on her stomach. 3801% 3802An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: it gets laid once; it gets 3803eaten once. It also has to come in a box with 11 others, and the only 3804person who will sit on its face is its mother. 3805% 3806An encounter with a beautiful woman is good medicine for the well organized 3807logical mind -- a little jolt never hurt. Note that the anarchists have 3808been saying this for years about the A-bomb and civilization. 3809 -- Encyclopadia Apocryphia 3810% 3811An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's 3812chance to kiss the tea-girl. It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the 3813Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone 3814who has seen the Managing Director face on). 3815 -- Katherine Whitehorn, "Roundabout" 3816% 3817"And Bezel saideth unto Sham: `Sham,' he saideth, `Thou shalt goest 3818unto the town of Begorrah, and there thou shalt fetcheth unto thine 3819bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits, 3820provideth that they are nice and fresh.'" 3821 -- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion" 3822% 3823And do you not think that each of you women is an Eve? The judgement of God 3824upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of 3825criminal at the bar of justice. 3826 -- Tertullian, second-century Christian writer 3827% 3828...And have you ever noticed that you never see the Father, the Son, and 3829the Holy Ghost partying together at the same time? Oh, sure, everybody 3830talks like they aren't the same person, but I wonder... 3831% 3832And having stretched me out upon his bed with my head a little to one side, 3833he sat down next to me and raised my head upon his lap. He peered avidly at 3834me, his eyes seemed ready to devour the secretion oozing from my nose. "Oh, 3835the pretty little snotface," said he, beginning to pant, "How I'm going to 3836suck her." Therewith bending down over me, and taking my nose in his mouth, 3837not only did he devour all the mucus between my nose and mouth, but he even 3838lewdly darted the tip of his tongue into each of my nostrils, one after the 3839other, and with such cleverness he provoked two or three sneezes which 3840redoubled the flow he desired and was consuming so hungrily. But ask me for 3841no details bearing upon this fellow, Messieurs, nothing appeared, and whether 3842because he did nothing, or because he did it all in his drawers, there was 3843nothing to be seen, and amidst the multitude of his kisses and lecherous 3844lickings there was nothing outstanding which might have denoted an ecstasy, 3845and consequently it is my opinion that he did not discharge. All my clothes 3846were in place, even his hands stayed still, and I give you my word that this 3847old libertine's fantasy might be performed upon the world's most respectable 3848and least initiated girl without her being able to suppose there was anything 3849lewd in it at all. 3850 -- Marquis de Sade 3851% 3852And let me the canakin clink, clink; 3853and let me the canakin clink. 3854 A soldier's a man; 3855 O, man's life's but a span, 3856Why then, let a soldier drink. 3857% 3858And now, the Bing Crosby show, brought to you by the makers of Ex-Lax. 3859... a brief pause, and then Bing! 3860% 3861And on the third day, Christ arose, pushed aside the rock that had served 3862as the tomb door, and walked again on the earth. 3863 And as he departed, a passer-by pointed at the door Jesus had left 3864open. "What's the matter with you?" he said. "Born in a barn?" 3865% 3866And prively he caughte hire by the queynte, 3867And heeld hire harde by the haunche-bones. 3868 --Geoffrey Chaucer, The Miller's Tale 3869% 3870And so it goes. It is humiliating, when you should know better, to become 3871victim of the timeless story of the little brown dog running across the 3872freight yard, crossing all the railroad tracks until a switch engine nipped 3873off the end of his tail between wheel and rail. The little dog yelped, and 3874he spun so quickly to check himself out that the next wheel chopped through 3875his little brown neck. The moral is, of course, never lose your head over 3876a piece of tail. 3877 -- John D. MacDonald, "The Scarlet Ruse" 3878% 3879And the northern lights commenced to glow. 3880And she said, with a tear in her eye, 3881"Watch out where the huskies go, and don't you eat that yellow snow." 3882 -- Frank Zappa, "The Story of Nanook and the Fur Trapper" 3883% 3884And then there was the lawyer that stepped in cow manure and thought 3885he was melting... 3886% 3887"And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband, as he came 3888upon his wife in bed with another man. The wife turned and smiled at her 3889companion. 3890 "See?" she said. "I told you he was stupid!" 3891% 3892Another greeting card category consists of those persons who send out 3893photographs of their families every year. In the same mail that brought the 3894greetings from Marcia and Philip, my friend found such a conversation piece. 3895"My God, Lida is enormous!" she exclaimed. I don't know why women want to 3896record each year, for two or three hundred people to see, the ravages wrought 3897upon them, their mates, and their progeny by the artillery of time, but 3898between five and seven per cent of Christmas cards, at a rough estimate, are 3899family groups, and even the most charitable recipient studies them for little 3900signs of dissolution or derangement. Nothing cheers a woman more, I am afraid, 3901than the proof that another woman is letting herself go, or has lost control 3902of her figure, or is clearly driving her husband crazy, or is obviously 3903drinking more than is good for her, or still doesn't know what to wear. 3904Middle-aged husbands in such photographs are often described as looking 3905"young enough to be her son," but they don't always escape so easily, and a 3906couple opening envelopes in the season of mercy and good will sometimes handle 3907a male friend or acquaintance rather sharply. "Good Lord!" the wife will say. 3908"Frank looks like a sex-crazed shotgun slayer, doesn't he?" "Not to me," the 3909husband may reply. "to me he looks more like a Wilkes-Barre dentist who is 3910being sought by the police in connection with the disappearance of a choir 3911singer." 3912 -- James Thurber, "Merry Christmas" 3913% 3914Another nun joke!!! 3915 You see, three nuns were walking down the street, when suddenly 3916this flasher jumped out in front of them and opened his trench coat, 3917exposing his all to the sisters. Well, two of the nuns had strokes right 3918there, but the third nun wouldn't touch it. 3919% 3920Another stupid gay joke!!! 3921 You see, this gay man walks into a Texas bar and orders a strawberry 3922daiquiri. The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't 3923serve your kind, buddy, why don't you get out of here before the boys come 3924in and kick your ass?" 3925 The guy whimpers a little and lisps, "Pleasse misssture I am soooo 3926thurstay...." 3927 Well, the bartender feels somewhat sorry for him and hands him a beer 3928on the house on the condition that he drink it in the back and leave as soon 3929as he's done. A little while later, a hulking cowboy walks in and up to the 3930bar. He slams his fist on the bar and hollers, "I'm so thirsty, I could 3931lick the sweat off of a bulls' balls!" 3932 From the back of the bar comes the cry... "Moo, moo, buckaroooooo!!!" 3933% 3934Anxiety, n.: 3935 The first time you can't do it a second time. 3936 3937Panic, n.: 3938 The second time you can't do it the first time. 3939% 3940Any girl who believes that the way to a man's heart is through 3941his stomach is obviously setting her standards too high. 3942% 3943Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her. 3944% 3945"Anything created must necessarily be inferior to the essence of the creator." 3946 -- Claude Shouse 3947 3948"Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist." 3949 -- Joseph C. Wang 3950% 3951Anything more than three shakes is for fun. 3952% 3953APL hackers take all they want. 3954% 3955Apple owners do it with mice! 3956% 3957APPOINTMENT BOOK: 3958 The reference of last resort when trying to duck undesired 3959 invitations ("Gee, the soonest I can pencil you in is 3960 December, 2004"), or when trying to figure out what the hell 3961 it was you did during the past year. 3962% 3963"Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons 3964released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and 3965enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources." 3966 -- Ronald Reagan 3967% 3968Are there those in the land of the brave 3969Who can tell me how I should behave 3970 When I am disgraced 3971 Because I erased 3972 A file I intended to save? 3973% 3974ARIES (Mar. 21 to Apr. 19) 3975 Be cheerful today. People who don't like you will outnumber those 3976 who do. You have warts. Focus on domestic status, financial matters, 3977 and venereal disease. Look for involvement with Libra or Aquarius 3978 natives; probably a fistfight with one of each. 3979% 3980Arkansas: 3981 Where the men are men, so are the women and the sheep run scared. 3982% 3983As fathers commonly go, it is seldom a misfortune to be fatherless; 3984and considering the general run of sons, as seldom a misfortune to 3985be childless. 3986 3987The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is, 3988doubtless, a separation. 3989 -- Lord Chesterfield, letter to his son, 1763 3990% 3991As for Carter being for registration but against the draft, isn't that 3992sort of being like for putting it in and not taking it out? Even if it 3993was possible not to follow through, you'd still be getting screwed. 3994% 3995As long as your ass is pointed at the ground, don't fuck with me. 3996% 3997As my dear autie used to say, "Love makes the world go 'round, but sex 3998makes the ride fun." 3999% 4000As near as I can tell, you're not any crazier 4001than the average asshole on the street. 4002 -- R.P. McMurphy, "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" 4003% 4004As part of an equal opportunity project, a memo was sent to all the offices 4005within External Affairs asking for "A list of all employees broken down by 4006sex." 4007 One of the memos was returned with the notation: "I'm sorry: we 4008know of nobody in this office who fits your criteria. We do, however, 4009have two alcoholics." 4010% 4011As Rev. Spooner would say, you are a shining wit. 4012% 4013As she lay there dozing next beside me, a voice inside my head kept 4014saying "Relax... you're not the first doctor who's ever slept with 4015one of his patients," but another voice kept reminding me, "Howard, 4016you're a veterinarian." 4017% 4018As the Catholic church becomes more and more tolerant, some day they will 4019have to consider the possibility of a gay pope. Possibly the largest 4020issue will be having to decide whether he is "absolutely divine" or "just 4021simply marvelous." 4022% 4023As the recent sightings of bumper stickers reading "IN CASE OF RAPTURE, THIS 4024VEHICLE WILL BE UNMANNED" have created a great deal of confusion, Fortune 4025offers the following excerpts from the 1989 printing of the State of Maryland 4026Driver's Handbook: 4027 If you notice a glorious light in the sky, a sound as of an infinite 4028choir of unearthly voices, and a host of winged beings descending from the 4029heavens, do not panic. If you are on the freeway, move to the shoulder as 4030soon as it is safe to do so, activate your hazard blinkers, and wait for the 4031end of the world. If you are Saved, it is especially important that you do 4032this BEFORE you are carried to your Eternal Reward, in order that your vehicle 4033not become a hazard to others. Remember, Rapture is the number one cause of 4034automobile accidents during major spiritual upheavals. You may experience a 4035feeling of discorporation ("being pulled from one's body") while driving. To 4036ensure the safety of your passengers and other drivers, move to the shoulder 4037as soon as you notice any of the following symptoms: 4038 -- An overwhelming sense of peace and happiness. 4039 -- Visions of the faces of deceased family members. 4040 -- A glorious figure in white, beckoning from the end of a tunnel of 4041white mist (do not confuse this with traffic control or maintenance officers, 4042who wear dark blue and safety orange.) 4043 Once the feeling has passed, inspect your surroundings. If still in 4044your car, you have probably suffered a stroke and should have someone drive 4045you to a hospital at once. If you find yourself in the Kingdom of God, consult 4046the local officials for information on local traffic rules and regulations. 4047% 4048As the truck driver came flying over the top of a steep hill, he spotted two 4049figures in his path rolling around in the middle of the road. The driver blew 4050his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued their lovemaking, 4051oblivious to his warnings. The truck finally slid to a halt barely three 4052inches from the pair. "Are you crazy?" the driver screamed at them. "You 4053could have been killed!" 4054 The man stood up and faced the driver. "Well, I was coming, she was 4055coming and you were coming," he panted, "and you were the only one with 4056brakes." 4057% 4058As they say about Dungeons and Dragons, "Life's a die, and then you bitch." 4059% 4060ASS: 4061 The masculine of "lass". 4062% 4063Ass, grass or gas... nobody rides for free! 4064% 4065Assassins do it from behind. 4066% 4067At her annual checkup, the attractive young woman is told by the doctor that 4068it's necessary to take her temperature rectally. She agrees and bends over 4069the examining table, but a few seconds later says indignantly, "Doctor, that's 4070NOT my rectum!" 4071 "Madam," says the doctor, "that's not my thermometer!" 4072 Just then, the woman's husband, hearing her voice, comes into the 4073room. "Just what the hell is going on here?" he demands. 4074 "I'm taking your wife's temperature," the doctor cooly replies. 4075 "Okay, doc, you know best," says the husband as he picks a scalpel 4076off the doctor's desk, "but when that thing comes out, it better have 4077numbers on it!" 4078% 4079At last, the first Soviet, artificially intelligent computer had been produced. 4080The engineers did not get it, nor the physicists. First things first: it went 4081to the institute of Marxism-Leninism. 4082 4083"IS IT POSSIBLE TO BUILD SOCIALISM IN SWITZERLAND?" typed in one of the 4084 theologians. 4085"YES," replied the computer. "BUT IT WOULD BE SUCH A PITY TO DESTROY 4086 SUCH A BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY." 4087% 4088At twenty-six, Kate, though not promiscuous, had slept with most of the 4089decent men in public life. 4090 -- Renata Adler 4091% 4092Attractive bisexual young woman seeks same for high mellow times. 4093% 4094Australia's a lovely land 4095It's full of bonza blokes, 4096Sheilas, beer and no-one's queer 4097Except in Pommie jokes. 4098 4099Australians are lovely chaps 4100They're God's own chosen race. 4101If they ever see a fairy Pom 4102They'll smash him in the face. 4103 4104Australians like dressing up 4105In skirts and having fun 4106And that's all we were doing 4107When the Vice Squad came along. 4108 -- Monty Python 4109% 4110A-Z affectionately, 41111 to 10 alphabetically, 4112from here to eternity without in betweens, 4113still looking for a custom fit in an off-the-rack world, 4114sales talk from sales assistants 4115 when all i want to do is lower your resistance, 4116no rhythm in cymbals no tempo in drums, 4117love's on arrival, 4118she comes when she comes, 4119right on the target but wide of the mark... 4120% 4121B4 I4Q, RU/18 QT 3.14 4122% 4123Bachelors' wives and old maids' children are always perfect. 4124 -- Nicolas Chamfort 4125% 4126Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was 4127popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red- 4128blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from 4129back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city- 4130slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, 4131"Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job." The Texas gentleman looked 4132appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city-slicker on the 4133spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah 4134honor!" Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, 4135hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of women in Texas!" 4136% 4137Balls Law: 4138 The angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the heat 4139 of the meat provided that the thrusts of the busts are constant. 4140% 4141BALTIMORE: 4142 Where the women wear turtleneck 4143 sweaters to hide their flea collars. 4144% 4145Baltimore, n.: 4146 Where the women wear turtleneck sweaters to hide their flea 4147collars. 4148% 4149Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal). 4150% 4151Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed. 4152Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed. 4153Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice, 4154Unless you get a good percentage of her price ... 4155 -- Tom Lehrer 4156% 4157BEAT ME, BITE ME, WHIP ME, FUCK ME!!! 4158% 4159Beat me, bite me, whip me, fuck me, make me write bad checks! 4160% 4161Beauty, n: 4162 The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband. 4163 -- Ambrose Bierce 4164% 4165Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another. 4166% 4167Because woman's work is never done and is underpaid or unpaid or boring or 4168repetitious and we're the first to get the sack and what we look like is 4169more important than what we do and if we get raped it's our fault and if we 4170get bashed we must have provoked it and if we raise our voices we're nagging 4171bitches and if we enjoy sex nymphos and if we don't we're frigid and if we 4172love women it's because we can't get a "real" man and if we ask our doctor 4173too many questions we're neurotic and/or pushy and if we expect community 4174care for children we're selfish and if we stand up for our rights we're 4175aggressive and "unfeminine" and if we don't we're typical weak females and 4176if we want to get married we're out to trap a man and if we don't we're 4177unnatural and because we still can't get an adequate safe contraceptive but 4178men can walk on the moon and if we can't cope or don't want a pregnancy we're 4179made to feel guilty about abortion and... for lots and lots of other reasons 4180we are part of the women's liberation movement. 4181% 4182Bedfellows make strange politicians. 4183% 4184beef stroganoff, n: 4185 A bull masturbating. 4186% 4187"Before we get married," said the young woman to her fiancee, "I want to 4188confess some affairs that I've had in the past." 4189 "But you told me all about those a few weeks ago," her young man 4190replied. 4191 "Yes, darling," she explained, "but that was a few weeks ago." 4192% 4193Behold the unborn fetus and 4194 Weep salt tears crocodilian; 4195All life is sacred (save, of course, 4196 An enemy civilian). 4197% 4198Beifeld's Principle: 4199 The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive 4200 young female increases by pyramidical progression when he 4201 is already in the company of (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a 4202 better-looking and richer male friend. 4203 -- R. Beifeld 4204% 4205Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. 4206To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football. 4207 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 4208% 4209Being stoned on marijuana isn't very different from being stoned on 4210gin. 4211 -- Ralph Nader 4212% 4213Bend over and take it like a man! 4214% 4215Beneath this stone a virgin lies, 4216For her life held no terrors. 4217A virgin born, a virgin died: 4218No hits, no runs, no errors. 4219% 4220Beneath this stone lies Murphy, 4221They buried him today, 4222He lived the life of Riley, 4223While Riley was away. 4224% 4225Benny Hill: Would you like a peanut? 4226Girl: No, thank you, I don't want to be under obligation. 4227Benny Hill: You won't be under obligation for a peanut. 4228 It's not as if it were a chocolate bar or something. 4229% 4230Better a sister in a whorehouse than a brother on a Honda. 4231% 4232BETTER LATE THAN NEVER: 4233 The single girl's motto. 4234% 4235Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. 4236 -- Mae West 4237% 4238Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose. 4239% 4240Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception, the root of all 4241evil. 4242% 4243Bi now, gay later! 4244% 4245Big Toe: The pad of the male big toe applied to the clitoris or the vulva 4246generally is a magnificent erotic instrument. The famous gentleman in erotic 4247prints who is keeping six women occupied is using tongue, penis, both hands, 4248and both big toes. Use the toe in mammary or armpit intercourse or any time 4249you are astride her, or sit facing as she lies or sits. Make sure the nail 4250isn't sharp. In a restaurant, in these days of tights one can surreptitiously 4251remove a shoe and sock, reach over, and keep her in almost continuous orgasm 4252with all four hands fully in view on the table top and no sign of contact-- 4253A party trick which really rates as advanced sex. She has less scope, but 4254can learn to masturbate him with her two big toes. The toes are definitely 4255erogenic areas, and can be kissed, sucked, tickled, or tied with stimulating 4256results. 4257 -- The Joy of Sex 4258 [Avoid armpit intercourse when razor stubble is present. Ed.] 4259% 4260Bill and Jim were walking home from work. As they walked along, they 4261discussed their wives' spending habits. "I don't understand how women 4262can spend so much money," Bill exclaimed. "I mean, understand, she 4263don't drink, and she's got her own pussy!" 4264% 4265Birth, copulation and death. 4266That's all the facts when you come to brass tacks; 4267Birth, copulation and death. 4268 -- T.S. Elliot, "Sweeney Agonistes" 4269% 4270Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. 4271 -- Woody Allen 4272% 4273Bitch, bitch, bitch -- 4274That's all I ever hear, 4275Ever since the dog ate the baby, 4276"Get rida the dog, get rida the dog." 4277% 4278Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth. 4279% 4280Blow it out your ass! 4281% 4282BOHICA: 4283 Bend over, here it comes again. 4284% 4285Bondage, or as the French call it, ligottage, is the gentle art of tying up 4286your sex partner --- not to overcome reluctance but to boost orgasm. It's 4287one unscheduled sex technique which a lot of people find extremely exciting 4288but are scared to try, and a venerable human resource for increasing sexual 4289feeling, partly because it's a harmless expression of sexual aggression -- 4290something we badly need, our culture being very uptight about it -- and more 4291because of its physical affects: slow orgasm when unable to move is a 4292mind-blowing experience for anyone not too frightened of their own aggressive 4293self to try it. 4294 -- The Joy of Sex 4295% 4296Bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous 4297Census Taker". It's about a guy who comes once every ten years. 4298% 4299Booze is the answer. I don't remember the question. 4300% 4301Brain on vacation, penis on autopilot. 4302% 4303Breakfast sometime? 4304 Sure. 4305Shall I call you or just nudge you? 4306% 4307Bridget O'Flaherty McHugh 4308Held venal traffic with a gnu. 4309Mistaking fore for aft one morn 4310Impaled herself upon its horn. 4311 4312Moral: Those who seek high ends should shun 4313 our furred and feathered friends. 4314% 4315Brigands will demand your money or 4316your life, but a woman will demand both. 4317 -- Samuel Butler 4318% 4319Bringing your mate to a convention is like taking a game warden hunting. 4320% 4321Britain has lowered the tax on chastity belts by about 60 cents each... 4322[reclassifying them] as a safety device rather than... clothing 4323 -- NY Times 4324% 4325Brother Jim's recent appearance on the William and Mary campus this past 4326week was cut short by an ingenious device designed by two computer science 4327students. A three-foot bar of extruded aluminum was precisely machined, 4328with a hole milled down the center of precisely the dimensions of one of 4329the small Gideon bibles. The end capped off, a CO2 canister was connected 4330to provide up to 2,000 PSIG. Prelimary estimates during field testing 4331revealed a muzzle velocity of approximately 120-150 MPH for bibles exiting 4332the tube. Sufficient ammunition was obtained during a previous visit to 4333campus by another religious organization, and the system was first used on 4334Brother Jim, who suffered a broken rib and numerous small bruises, in 4335addition to the usual humiliation. 4336% 4337brunette bush, n: 4338 The dark side of the moon. 4339% 4340bug, n: 4341 A son of a glitch. 4342% 4343Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, 4344Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was 4345the new bait. The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; 4346nobody cares much about cheese, except mice. But when American 4347Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in 4348the country was hopelessly trapped. 4349 -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*" 4350% 4351"But if it's 80% glucose, then why does it taste salty?" 4352 -- Anonymous med school student. 4353% 4354But they'll never mechanize me -- not me! 4355Said Charlotte, the Louisville harlot. 4356 -- S.I. Hayakawa 4357% 4358But we've only fondled the surface of that subject. 4359 -- Virginia Masters, of Master & Johnson 4360% 4361Buy old masters. They fetch better prices than old mistresses. 4362 -- Lord Beaverbrook 4363% 4364By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you 4365get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. 4366 -- Socrates 4367% 4368CAD: 4369 A man who doesn't tell his wife 4370 that he's sterile until she's pregnant. 4371% 4372CALIFORNIA: 4373 From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English 'calorie' or 4374 Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual intercourse" or 4375 "fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." 4376 -- Ed Moran, Covina, California 4377% 4378"California is proud to be the home of the freeway." 4379 -- Ronald Reagan 4380% 4381Call for Ms. Lingus, Ms. Connie Lingus... 4382% 4383callgirl, n: 4384 A negotiable blond. 4385% 4386Camille's Axiom: 4387 If you haven't asked yourself, "Why the hell did 4388 I go to college anyway?", you must be teaching. 4389% 4390"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your penis?" 4391 4392"Uh, not right now." 4393 4394"Tsk. A girl has to have some standards." 4395 -- "Real Genius" 4396% 4397Canada is so square even the female impersonators are women. 4398 -- From the movie "Outrageous" 4399% 4400CANCER (June 21 - July 22) 4401 You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems. 4402 They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. 4403 That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare 4404 recipients are Cancer people. 4405% 4406Candy 4407Is dandy 4408But liquor 4409Is quicker. 4410 -- Ogden Nash, "Reflections on Ice-Breaking" 4411 4412Fortune updates the great quotes: #53. 4413 Candy is dandy; but liquor is quicker, 4414 and sex won't rot your teeth. 4415% 4416Captain Hook died of jock itch. 4417% 4418"Carefully study these two enlarged photographs on display, Mr. Rafferty," 4419the attorney for a politician suing a newspaper for libel instructed his 4420client on the witness stand, "and indicate which is your ass and which is 4421a hole in the ground." 4422% 4423Catholicism has changed tremendously in the recent years. Now when 4424Communion is served there is also a salad bar. 4425 -- Bill Marr 4426% 4427Ce livre est dedie a Chagrin, This book is dedicated to Chagrin, 4428Qui fit un petit mannequin: Who fashioned a small doll: 4429 Sans bras et tout noir, Without arms and all black, 4430 Il etait affreux voir; It was horrible sight; 4431En effet, absolument la fin. In effect, the absolute end. 4432 -- Edward Gorey 4433% 4434Champagne don't make me lazy. 4435Cocaine don't drive me crazy. 4436Ain't nobody's business but my own. 4437 -- Taj Mahal 4438% 4439Chaste makes waste. 4440% 4441Chastity: 4442 The most unnatural of the sexual perversions. 4443 -- Aldous Huxley 4444% 4445CHASTITY BELT: 4446 An anti-trust suit. 4447 4448 (And an unchivalrous knight is the one that files it.) 4449% 4450Chastity is its own punishment. 4451% 4452Chicago has journalists' bars, ethnic bars, neighborhood bars, even midget 4453bars, hundreds, maybe thousands of bars, on on every neighborhood block. 4454I was drinking on afternoon in O'Rourke's, a bar on the Near North side. 4455It was dark and empty, which suited my mood. A fat, stubble-bearded, 4456middle-aged man waddled in, took the stool next to mine, and ordered a 4457beer. He was completely unremarkable, except that he was dressed, head 4458to toe, in a white-lace wedding gown. After a silence, I said, "Been to 4459a wedding?" 4460 He brushed back his veil, rustled his petticoats and said, "Uh... 4461yeah." 4462 He silently finished his drink and left. The bartender said, "You 4463know, even the transvestites in this town have five o'clock shadows." 4464% 4465Chipmunks roasting on an open fire 4466Jack Frost ripping up your nose 4467Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire 4468And folks dressed up like buffaloes 4469Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow 4470Helps to make the season right 4471Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out 4472Will find it hard to see tonight 4473They know that Santa's on his way 4474He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh 4475And every mother's child is sure to spy 4476To see if reindeer really scream when they die 4477And so I'm offering this simple phrase 4478To kids from one to ninety two 4479Although it's been said many times, many ways 4480Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!! 4481% 4482Chorus: 4483 I don't want to join the army, I don't want to go to war, 4484 I'd rather sit around, pickin' dillies off the ground, 4485 And livin' off the favors of a 'igh-born lady. 4486 I don't want a bullet up me arse 'ole, 4487 I don't want me pecker blown away, 4488 I'd rather live in England, in jolly, sunny, England, 4489 And fornicate me bloody life away!! 4490 4491Monday I touched her on the ankle, 4492Tuesday I touched her on the knee, 4493And Wednesday after Mass, I lifted up her dress, 4494And Thursday I saw you know what, 4495Friday I put me 'and upon it, 4496Saturday she gave me balls a tweak [tweak, tweak] 4497And Sunday after supper, I ran me fucker up 'er, 4498And now she pays me forty quid a week! 4499Oh, blimey... 4500 4501[chorus] 4502% 4503Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not 4504committing them? 4505 -- Jules Feiffer 4506% 4507CHRISTIAN: 4508 One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far 4509 as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. 4510% 4511Christian, n.: 4512 One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired 4513book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. One who 4514follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent 4515with a life of sin. 4516% 4517Christianity and Judaism aren't all that different, really. Growing up in 4518a Christian family, the feeling of guilt for Man's sins comes from God. 4519In a Jewish family, it comes from your parents. 4520% 4521Christianity has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found 4522difficult and not tried. 4523 -- G. K. Chesterton 4524% 4525CHRISTMAS: 4526 A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry 4527 salads, family get-togethers; for others, noted as having the best 4528 response time of the entire year. 4529% 4530CHRISTMAS: 4531 A time when each of us gets to reflect upon what we each most 4532 deeply and sincerely believe in. Money. At the mall of our 4533 choice. 4534% 4535Christmas comes but once a year, 4536A time for love and laughter; 4537You can come much more than that, 4538But you have to clean up after. 4539% 4540Cinderella 10: 4541 A woman who sucks and fucks 'til midnight and 4542 then turns into a pizza and a six-pack. 4543% 4544Clark Kent is a transvestite. 4545% 4546Clarke's Third Law: 4547 Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from 4548magic. 4549 4550G's Third Law: 4551 In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe 4552is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit. 4553 4554H's Dictum: 4555 There is no magic... 4556% 4557Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to fuck, 4558and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the contrary. 4559 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" 4560% 4561Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to 4562fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the 4563contrary. 4564 -- Tom Robbins 4565% 4566Cleveland still lives. God MUST be dead. 4567% 4568clitoris, n: 4569 A haired trigger. 4570% 4571CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range) 4572 4573Oh, give me a clone 4574Of my own flesh and bone 4575 With the Y chromosome changed to X. 4576And when she is grown, 4577My very own clone, 4578 We'll be of the opposite sex. 4579 4580Chorus: 4581 Clone, clone of my own, 4582 With the Y chromosome changed to X. 4583 And when we're alone, 4584 Since her mind is my own, 4585 She'll be thinking of nothing but sex. 4586 -- Randall Garrett 4587% 4588Close the door, let me give you what you've been waiting for!! 4589% 4590Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money. 4591% 4592Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know -- I've been using it for years. 4593 -- Tallulah Bankhead 4594% 4595Cocaine: using tomorrow's energy today. 4596% 4597Cocaine's a joke! 4598 (Who's got the next line?) 4599% 4600cock-sucker, n: 4601 Someone who got caught doing what you got away with. 4602% 4603Coffee without caffeine. Beer without alcohol. Milk without fat. 4604What's next? Bridal suites with bunk beds? 4605 -- Orben's Current Comedy 4606% 4607Coito ergo sum 4608% 4609coitus interruptus, n: 4610 A jerky movement following the words (by either sex partner) 4611 "I want to have your child." 4612% 4613Coitus is punishment for the happiness of being together. Live as 4614ascetically as possible... that is the only possible way for me to 4615endure marriage. But she? 4616 -- Franz Kafka 4617% 4618Coitus upon a cadaver 4619Is the ultimate way you can have 'er. 4620 Her inanimate state 4621 Means a man needn't wait, 4622And eliminates all the palaver. 4623% 4624COLD: 4625 When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions. 4626% 4627cold, adj: 4628 When your dog sticks to the fire hydrant. 4629% 4630College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months 4631later you wish you'd never come. 4632% 4633Come along and sing a song and join our family. 4634B & D 4635S & M 4636Post to A.S.B.! 4637Rope and leather, cuffs and cats, and toys from JTT. 4638B & D 4639S & M 4640Post to A.S.B.! 4641A.S.B.! 4642 (A.S.B.!) 4643A.S.B.! 4644 (A.S.B.!) 4645Come on now, let's try another tie! 4646 (Tie! Tie! Tie!) 4647All the kinky folks are here, and some on IRC. 4648B & D 4649S & M 4650Post on A.S.B.! 4651 -- To the Mickey Mouse March 4652% 4653Come on, Virginia, don't make me wait! 4654Catholic girls start much too late, 4655Ah, but sooner or later, it comes down to fate, 4656I might as well be the one. 4657Well, they showed you a statue, told you to pray, 4658Built you a temple and locked you away, 4659Ah, but they never told you the price that you paid, 4660The things that you might have done. 4661So come on, Virginia, show me a sign, 4662Send up a signal, I'll throw you a line, 4663That stained glass curtain that you're hiding behind, 4664Never lets in the sun. 4665Darling, only the good die young! 4666 -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young" 4667% 4668Come up and see me sometime. Come Wednesday, that's amateur night. 4669 -- Mae West 4670% 4671COMMENT: 4672 A superfluous element of a source program included so the 4673 programmer can remember what the hell it was he was doing 4674 six months later. Only the weak-minded need them, according 4675 to those who think they aren't. 4676% 4677Communists do it without class. 4678% 4679Computer scientists are programmed to do it by macro insertion. 4680% 4681computerfirm nymphomaniac, n: 4682 Hot Apple pie. 4683% 4684Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears. 4685% 4686Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears. 4687 4688 [Taking a shower in raincoat? Ed.] 4689% 4690Condoms are the feminists' revenge on men for diaphragms. 4691 -- Robin Williams 4692% 4693Confucius say: 4694 man who lay girl on hill, not on level. 4695 man who pull out too fast leave rubber. 4696 man who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand. 4697 modern house without toilet uncanny. 4698 man with athletic finger make broad jump 4699 woman should not marry basketball players -- they dribble before 4700 they shoot. 4701 man who sleep in road wake up with run-down feeling. 4702 woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, may get tit bit. 4703 child conceived in back seat of car with automatic transmission 4704 turn out to be shiftless bastard. 4705 a smart man knows on which side his broad is better. 4706 man who arrives late to party will find himself beaten to the punch! 4707% 4708Confucius say: 4709 man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead. 4710 man who fishes in other man's well often catch crabs. 4711 man and mouse the same, both end up in pussy. 4712 boy who play with himself pulls boner. 4713 woman who cooks carrots and pees in same pot very unsanitary. 4714 man who marry girl with no bust has right to feel low down. 4715 man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet. 4716 man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day. 4717 man who lie under car, get tired -- man who stand behind car, 4718 get exhausted. 4719% 4720Confucius say: 4721 woman who put man in dog house find him in cat house. 4722 woman who spring on inner-spring this spring, have off-spring 4723 next spring. 4724 man who kiss girl's behind, get crack in face. 4725 passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly. 4726 man who kicked in testicles get left holding bag. 4727 man who suck nipples make clean breast of things. 4728 woman who slide down bannister make monkey shine. 4729 woman's virginity like balloon, one prick and all gone. 4730 Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best. 4731 squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts. 4732 epileptic woman who give blow-job may bite big one. 4733 seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak. 4734% 4735Confucius say: 4736 woman who ride bicycle peddle ass around town. 4737 fool man climb tree to get cherries; wise man spread limbs. 4738 woman who fly upside down in airplane have big crack up. 4739 man who live in glass house should bathe in the basement. 4740 man who make love on ground have piece on Earth. 4741 man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key. 4742 man who fights with wife all day, gets not peace at night. 4743 man who make oral love to epileptic woman may get tongue-tied. 4744 man with head up ass have shitty outlook on life. 4745 man who streak unsuited for work. 4746 woman who bathe in vinegar have sour puss. 4747 man who beat off in car have hot rod. 4748% 4749CONFUSION: 4750 One woman plus one left turn. 4751EXCITEMENT: 4752 Two women plus one secret. 4753BEDLAM: 4754 Three women plus one bargain. 4755CHAOS: 4756 Four women plus one luncheon check. 4757% 4758confusion, n: 4759 Father's Day in San Francisco. 4760% 4761Conservative, n.: 4762 One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead. 4763 -- Leo C. Rosten 4764% 4765Conserve energy -- make love more slowly. 4766% 4767CONSULTANT: 4768 Someone who knows 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date. 4769% 4770continental breakfast, n: 4771 A roll in bed with some honey. 4772% 4773Coors, n: 4774 Like making love in a canoe -- fucking close to water. 4775% 4776Copa-ulation: 4777(to the tune of Copacabana) 4778 4779Her name was Lola, she was a bimbo, with yellow streamers in her hair, 4780She wore see-through underwear, she'd go to discos, and do the go-go, 4781And while she tried to be star, Tony jacked off on the bar, 4782And when the dance was done, his hand was full of come, 4783His favorite drink is cream in coffee, 4784Won't you order one? 4785 4786At the Copa, Copa-ulation ... 4787 4788Her name was Lola, she was a show-girl, 4789But that was thirty years ago, when she still could slurp and blow, 4790Now she's a sado, but not for Tony, still in her chains and leather gown, 4791She ties Rico to the ground, and fucks that boy half-blind, 4792But Rico, he don't mind, there are whips and a lot of beatings, 4793But a real good time ... 4794% 4795Couples in motion have moments. 4796% 4797courage, n: 4798 Two cannibals having oral sex. 4799% 4800Cover your stump before you hump. 4801Before you attack her, wrap your wacker. 4802Don't be silly... protect your Willie. 4803Wrap it in foil before checking her oil. 4804If you're not going to sack it, go home and wack it. 4805 -- National Condom Week 4806% 4807Cox's philosophy: 4808 Life's a bitch, then you die. 4809% 4810coyote love, n: 4811 Coyote love is a nebulous term. Basically, what it involves is 4812 the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles 4813 bar. Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping 4814 on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you 4815 chew off your arm at the shoulder. 4816 4817coyote ugly, adj: 4818 When you chew off the other arm 'cause she'll be looking for 4819 a one-armed man! 4820 4821See also proof that average instantaneous beauty increases monotonically 4822as alcohol consumption increases and time, t, approaches last call. 4823% 4824"Creation science" has not entered the curriculum for a reason so simple 4825and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and 4826because good teachers understand exactly why it is false. What could be 4827more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our 4828entire intellectual heritage -- good teaching -- than a bill forcing 4829honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment 4830to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any 4831general understanding of science as an enterprise? 4832 -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Skeptical Inquirer" 4833% 4834crew, n: 4835 Eight big men and their cute little cox. 4836% 4837Cried Miss Pratt : "What are you staring at? 4838I know - you don't have to say that! 4839 All you guys want of me 4840 Is a poke where I pee, 4841And it's pounding my ass mighty flat!" 4842% 4843Crinklaw's Observation: 4844 Nowadays the order of life is reversed: Sex is first enjoyed, 4845 marriage follows, and after marriage comes abstinence. 4846% 4847Cum Hilde autem ambulabat 4848Homo qui aedificabat. 4849 Dixit volebat. Debet et potebat. 4850 Sic ille ducebat. Statim faciebat. 4851Sed virginem pine necebat. 4852% 4853Cunnilingus is next to cleanliness. 4854% 4855Cunnilingus is next to godliness. 4856% 4857Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back. 4858% 4859Dad," the 13-year-old boy asked, looking up from his social-studies text, 4860"what did you do during the sexual revolution?" 4861 "Well, son," his father confided, "I guess you could say I was 4862captured early and spent the duration doing the dishes." 4863% 4864Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true, 4865Daisy, Daisy, wouldn't you like to screw? 4866I really must beg your pardon, 4867But I've got a hell of a hard-on, 4868From beating my meat, against the seat, 4869Of a bicycle built for two. 4870 -- "Daisy, Daisy", "The Dirty Song Book" 4871% 4872Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches 4873Got on with her grooms and her wenches: 4874 She went down on the gents, 4875 And pronged the girl's vents 4876With a clitoris reaching six inches. 4877% 4878Dames lie about anything -- just for practice. 4879 -- Raymond Chandler 4880% 4881Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you? _____FIRST you rape, ____THEN you 4882pillage!! 4883% 4884Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you? 4885FIRST you rape, THEN you pillage!! 4886% 4887Damned if I know. And you can be fuckin' sure I'll never rent no car 4888from Avis again. 4889 -- Herbie Sperling, on the meaning of two pistols and an 4890 axe used in three murders being found in the trunk of his 4891 rented car. 4892 4893If you guys have a beef with her, that's her problem. Don't lay it on 4894me. The old lady has to take care of her own weight. 4895 -- Herbie Sperling, convicted heroin dealer, on being 4896 arrested for narcotics possession at his mother's house. 4897 4898 At his sentencing, Herbie Sperling proved that he was the all-time 4899stand-up guy. 4900 Sperling's lawyer made a lengthy, impassioned plea for his client. 4901He talked of mercy, justice, humanity to fellow men who have chosen the wrong 4902path. Yes, the crimes were serious, yes, Mr. Sperling deserves a prison 4903sentence, but the maximum sentence was not warranted. 4904 Then the judge turned to Sperling. "Mr. Sperling, is there anything 4905you wish to say?" 4906 "Yes, Your Honor. If you think I'm going to beg for mercy, you've 4907got another think coming. You're all a bunch of fucking fascist cocksuckers, 4908you can all go to hell, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you..." 4909 -- Gregory Wallace, "Papa's Game" 4910% 4911Dance is the vertical expression of a horizontal intention. 4912% 4913date; talk; touch; unzip; finger; expand; strip; head; mount; yes; yes; yes; 4914eject; more; sleep 4915% 4916Dave has an aeroplane, 4917In which he likes to frisk. 4918Oh what a foolish boy, 4919His silly *. 4920% 4921David was just a shepherd who liked to get his rocks off in leather. 4922% 4923De Hispanice puella verumque 4924Simplex oris verborumque 4925 Tulit potens vagina 4926 Hominum agmina 4927Iterum iterum iterumque. 4928% 4929Dear Abby: 4930 I have two brothers. One was sent to the electric chair when I was 4931a child. My mother died in an insane asylum. My father is a pimp and my 4932sister is a very successful and highly paid prostitute. My other brother 4933is a graduate student attending Purdue University. 4934 Recently I met a wonderful girl who has just been released from prison 4935for murdering her illegitimate child with a Zip-loc sandwich bag. We're very 4936much in love and want to be married after her venereal disease is cured. 4937 My problem is this: should I tell her about my brother at Purdue? 4938 4939 Sincerely, 4940 Undecided. 4941% 4942Dear Abby: 4943 I just met the most terrific girl and we get along fabulously. I 4944think she's the one for me. There's just one problem: I can't remember 4945from our first date if she told me she had TB or VD. What should I do? 4946 --Confused 4947 4948Dear Confused: 4949 If she coughs, fuck her. 4950% 4951Dear Ann Landers: 4952 I have a problem. I have two brothers; one works for the Illinois 4953Bell Telephone Company, the other brother was just sentenced to death 4954in the electric chair for murder. My mother died from insanity when 4955I was three years old. My two sisters are prostitutes and my father 4956sells narcotics. 4957 I recently met girl who was just released from a reformatory where 4958she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death. I love 4959this girl and want to marry her. My problem is this -- dare I tell her 4960about my brother who works for Illinois Bell? 4961 -- Confused. 4962% 4963Dear Ann Landers: 4964 My husband watches the TV preachers every Sunday. He claims 4965one minister said there are 350 different sins. My husband wants to 4966know if you can get the list. He thinks he is missing something. 4967 -- E.J. Mayfield 4968% 4969Dear Lord, observe this bended knee 4970This visage meek and humble, 4971And hear this confidential plea 4972Voiced in reverent mumble: 4973 Give me Shylock, give me Fagin 4974 But O God spare me Ronald Reagan! 4975 -- Ansel Adams 4976% 4977Dear Miss Manners: 4978Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face. 4979 4980Gentle Reader: 4981Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on your face. 4982If the gentleman sprayed you inadvertently to accompany enthusiastic 4983discourse, you may step back two paces, bring out your handkerchief, 4984and go through the motions of wiping your nose, while trailing the cloth 4985along your face to pick up whatever needs mopping along the route. If, 4986however, the substance was acquired as a result of enthusiasm of a more 4987intimate nature, you may delicately retrieve it with a flick of your 4988pink tongue. 4989% 4990"Dear Mr. Seldes: I cannot remember the exact wording of the statement 4991to which you allude; but what I meant was that ... a man who calls 4992himself a 100% American and is proud of it, is generally 150% an idiot 4993politically. But the designations may be good business for war 4994veterans. Having bled for their country in 1861 and 1918, they have 4995bled it all they could consequently. And why not?" 4996 -- George Seldes, "The Great Quotations" 4997% 4998Democracy can learn some things from Communism: for example, when a 4999Communist politician is through, he is through. 5000% 5001Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for 5002the people. 5003 -- Oscar Wilde 5004% 5005Demonstrating once again the importance of the lowly comma, this 5006telegram was sent from a wife to her husband: 5007 "NOT GETTING ANY, BETTER COME HOME AT ONCE." 5008% 5009Desperate because her husband hadn't made love to her in months, a lonely 5010housewife finally mustered her courage and went to their doctor for advice. 5011The doctor was very sympathetic and wrote out a prescription for pills that 5012were guaranteed to rekindle the husband's ardor in a big way. "They'll make 5013him horny as hell," the doctor confided, "but they're very potent, so just 5014put one in whatever he's drinking." 5015 Upon arriving home, the woman left the pills on the kitchen counter 5016and dashed off to the supermarket. It didn't take long before the cat jumped 5017up, knocked them over onto the floor, and ate a couple, as did the family 5018dog. And when the husband got home with a headache, he took a few thinking 5019they were aspirin. 5020 When the housewife returned, she was horrified to see the dog humping 5021the cat and the cat jumping all over the dog, but even stranger was the sight 5022of her husband with his penis inside the pencil sharpener on the counter. 5023"What in heaven's name are you doing, John?" she cried. 5024 "See that mosquito?" he replied. 5025% 5026Dial 911. Make a cop come. 5027% 5028diaphragm, n: 5029 A childproof cap. 5030% 5031dicker, v: 5032 What you do to your wife if arguing doesn't work. 5033% 5034Did Detroit invent the back seat to destroy the morals of America? 5035 -- Ed Sanders 5036% 5037Did you hear about... 5038 the butcher who dropped his cleaver and went home half-cocked? 5039% 5040Did you hear about... 5041 the plastic surgeon who hung himself? 5042% 5043Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recently divorced mother 5044her age? She told him that was not a question to ask and that he shouldn't 5045ask it again. He then asked her her weight. She, once again, told him that 5046she wouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again. The next 5047question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced. Once again, she told 5048him that it was not a question he should ask and to not ask that question 5049again. 5050 Some time later, she found him looking through her purse. Sharply 5051asking him what he was doing resulted in him beamingly telling her that he 5052had found the answers to all of his questions! 5053 "Mom", he said, "your driver's license says you're 34 years old, weigh 5054125 pounds, and you and Daddy probably divorced 'cause you got an 'F' in sex!" 5055% 5056Did you hear about the nearsighted fetishist who got off on the wrong foot? 5057% 5058Did you hear about the new German microwave oven? 5059 5060 ... Seats 500. 5061% 5062Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll? 5063You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand. 5064% 5065Did you hear about young Henry Lockett? 5066He was blown down the street by a rocket. 5067 The force of the blast 5068 Blew his balls up his ass, 5069And his pecker was found in his pocket. 5070% 5071Did you hear they canceled Easter this year? 5072Found the body. 5073% 5074Did you know that some people your age have sex 5075thirty-seven times in a week? And die immediately after? 5076% 5077Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"? 5078% 5079Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.? 5080% 5081Dig it, first they killed those pigs, then they ate dinner in the same 5082room with them, then they even shoved a fork in a victim's stomach. Wild! 5083 -- Bernadine Dohrn, on the Manson killings 5084% 5085Disclaimer of the Week: 5086 Any Society Which Requires Disclaimers Has Too Many Goddamn Lawyers. 5087% 5088Disillusioned words like bullets bark, 5089As human gods aim for their mark, 5090Make everything from toy guns that spark 5091To flesh-colored christs that glow in the dark. 5092It's easy to see without looking too far 5093That not much is really sacred. 5094% 5095Distributed Systems people do it loosely coupled. 5096% 5097[District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there are 5098two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: 5099 5100(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and 5101 confiscate 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold 5102 a press conference where you announce that they have a street value 5103 of $850 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools, 5104 including brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana 5105 cigarettes in the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker 5106 factory puts them there. 5107(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you 5108 announce you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a 5109 piece of human sleaze. This also never fails, because you always 5110 get a conviction. A juror at a pornography trial is not about to 5111 state for the record that he finds nothing obscene about a movie 5112 where actors engage in sexual activities with live snakes and a 5113 fire extinguisher. He is going to convict the bookstore owner, and 5114 vote for the death penalty just to make sure nobody gets the wrong 5115 impression. 5116 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 5117% 5118DIVE!!! DIVE!!! DIVE!!! 5119UP PERISCOPE!!! 5120 5121(Ooops, sorry, wrong fantasy.) 5122% 5123divorce, n: 5124 A change of wife. 5125% 5126Do married women make the best wives? 5127% 5128Do not permit a woman to ask forgiveness, for that is only the first 5129step. The second is justification of herself by accusation of you. 5130 -- DeGourmont 5131% 5132Do not rejoice in his defeat, you men, 5133For though the world stood up 5134And stopped the bastard, 5135The bitch that bore him is in heat again. 5136 -- Bertolt Brecht 5137% 5138Do something big -- fuck a giant 5139% 5140"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist. 5141"Who else?" answered the patient. 5142% 5143Do you smoke after sex? 5144Why, do you know, I've never looked! 5145% 5146Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning. 5147% 5148Does he treat your breasts like unripe grapefruit? Who needs him? 5149 -- `J', "The Sensuous Woman" 5150% 5151Does it rape elephants? 5152 -- Brent Byer 5153% 5154Doing business with the government is like fucking sheep. 5155It's easy, but it's not very satisfying. 5156% 5157Don't accept rides from strange men -- and remember that all men 5158are strange as hell. 5159 -- Robin Morgan, "Sisterhood Is Powerful" 5160% 5161Don't dip your wick in a WAC, 5162Don't ride the breast of a WAVE, 5163 Just sit in the sand 5164 And do it by hand, 5165And buy bonds with the money you save. 5166% 5167Don't forget to support the ERA apersonment. 5168% 5169Don't get the idea that I'm one of those goddamn radicals. Don't get the 5170idea that I'm knocking the American system. 5171 -- Al Capone 5172% 5173Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love. 5174 -- Woody Allen 5175% 5176"Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash." 5177 -- Bo Diddley 5178% 5179Don't look now -- your office mate is a pederast!!! 5180% 5181Don't look now, but your mother is having sex with a horse. 5182% 5183Dope will get you through times of no money better that money will get 5184you through times of no dope. 5185 -- Gilbert Shelton 5186% 5187Dope will get you through times of no money 5188better than money will get you through times of no dope! 5189 -- Freewheelin' Franklin, "The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers" 5190% 5191Down by the old model T, 5192Where she first showed it to me. 5193 It was furry and black, 5194 And she called it a crack, 5195But it looked like a manhole to me. 5196% 5197Draft beer, not boys! 5198% 5199Draft beer, not people 5200% 5201Dry fucking: that's man on top of woman, the action is the same as fucking, 5202but you're dressed. It's great for the girl... you're hitting and rubbing 5203exactly the area that you ought to be... I still like that. 5204 -- Grace Slick 5205% 5206Due to a mixup in urology, orange juice will not be served this morning. 5207% 5208Dull women have immaculate homes. 5209% 5210DuPont, I.G., Monsanto, and Shell 5211Built a world-circling pussy cartel, 5212 And by planned obsolescence, 5213 So controlled detumescence, 5214A poor man could not get a smell. 5215% 5216During the darkest days of World War II, when each night brought waves of 5217Luftwaffe bombers raining death and destruction on a near-defenseless London, 5218Prime Minister Churchill went on the air to address the British people. "I 5219read this morning's paper that Herr Hitler plans to wring England's neck like 5220that of a chicken," he began, "and I was reminded of what the Irish poacher 5221said as he stood on the gallows. It seems the poor fellow was approached by a 5222well-meaning if somewhat overzealous priest who, in horrific detail, described 5223the unfading torments of Hades which awaited him if he did not repent of his 5224misdeeds. The condemned man listened patiently to all that the priest had to 5225say, and when he was done, grinned broadly and replied, 'Eat it raw, fuzz 5226nuts.'" 5227 -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon 5228% 5229dyke, n: 5230 A woman who kick-starts her vibrator. And rolls her own 5231 tampons. 5232% 5233Dyslexia means never having to say that you're ysror. 5234% 5235Dyslexics have more fnu. 5236% 5237DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE! 5238% 5239Early to bed and early to rise makes a man a helluva big nuisance. 5240% 5241Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling. 5242% 5243Eat shit and die a virgin! 5244% 5245Eat the rich -- the poor are tough and stringy. 5246% 5247Economists are still trying to figure out why the 5248girls with the least principle draw the most interest. 5249% 5250EE's do it without shorts. 5251% 5252Eighteen goddess-like daughters are not equal to one son with a hump. 5253 -- Chinese Proverb 5254% 5255Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe. 5256 -- Jackie Mason 5257% 5258Eisenhower was very nice, 5259Nixon was his only vice. 5260 -- C. Degen 5261% 5262Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man: 5263 (1) Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to 5264 sleep in the wet spot. 5265 (2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find 5266 themselves. 5267 (3) You won't find out later that your cucumber (a) is 5268 married, (b) is on penicillin, (c) likes you -- but loves 5269 your brother! 5270 (4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is. 5271 (5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are 5272 wet. 5273 (6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a 5274 boy". 5275 (7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count. 5276 (8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun. 5277 (9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the 5278 pillow. 5279 (10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do. 5280 (11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you 5281 left it. 5282% 5283embarrassment, n: 5284 Finding out your German Shepherd has the clap. 5285% 5286Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant 5287professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a 5288male schlemiel. 5289 -- Ewald Nyquist 5290% 5291Erogenous zone, n: 5292 The skin you touch to love. 5293% 5294Es giebt ein Arbeiter von Tinz, 5295Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz. 5296 Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen, 5297 Ich hore Mann kommen." 5298"Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz." 5299% 5300eternity, n: 5301 The length of time between when you come and he leaves. 5302% 5303Ethnologists up with the Sioux 5304Wired home for two punts, one canoe. 5305 The answer next day, 5306 Said, "Girls on the way, 5307But what the hell's a `panoe'?" 5308% 5309Evangelists do it with Him watching. 5310% 5311Even bytes get lonely for a little bit. 5312% 5313"Even nowadays a man can't step up and kill a woman without feeling 5314just a bit unchivalrous ..." 5315 -- Robert Benchley 5316% 5317Evening hours "all clear" for romance! 5318(Tell mate you have to work late.) 5319% 5320Ever notice that the women who are against abortion are the ones you 5321wouldn't want to fuck in the first place? 5322 -- George Carlin 5323% 5324Ever wondered why you always run out of breath when you throw up? 5325Ah, but a man's retch should exceed his gasp, else what's a heaving for? 5326% 5327Every harlot was a virgin once. 5328 -- William Blake 5329% 5330Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start 5331closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive 5332like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume 5333and at least a pint of ether. 5334 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" 5335% 5336Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start 5337closing in, the only real cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then 5338drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas. 5339 -- Hunter S. Thompson 5340% 5341Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten. 5342 5343Please, think of the kittens. 5344% 5345Everyone: "Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you, 5346 Amen!" 5347Bruce: "Another two! (Bottles opening.) Any questions?" 5348Bruce: "New-Bruce, are you a Poofter?" 5349Bruce: "Are you a Poofter?" 5350New-Bruce: "No!" 5351Bruce: "No. Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules: 5352 Rule One!" 5353Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!" 5354Bruce: "Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos 5355 in any way at all -- if there's anybody watching. Rule Three?" 5356Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!" 5357Bruce: "Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not 5358 drinking. Rule Five..." 5359Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!" 5360Bruce: "Rule Six, there is NO... Rule Six. Rule Seven..." 5361Everyone: "NO POOFTERS!" 5362Bruce: "Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce. This 5363 here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a 5364 bottle, you can hold it in your hand. Amen! 5365 -- Monty Python 5366% 5367Everyone has the right, without exception, to equal pay for equal work. 5368Except for women. 5369% 5370Everyone in the office is welcome to join the group going to the Columbus 5371Theater tonight. Meet in the lobby at 8:30. The films are "Blue Jennifer" 5372and "Hot Coed Cheerleaders". 5373% 5374Everyone *knows* cats are on a higher level of existence. These silly humans 5375are just to big-headed to admit their inferiority. 5376 Just think what a nicer world this would be if it were controlled by 5377cats. 5378 You wouldn't see cats having waste disposal problems. 5379 They're neat. 5380 They don't have sexual hangups. A cat gets horny, it does something 5381about it. 5382 They keep reasonable hours. You *never* see a cat up before noon. 5383 They know how to relax. Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer? 5384 What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war? Pretty neglible. 5385It's not that they can't, they just know that there are much better things to 5386do with ones time. Like lie in the sun and sleep. Or go exploring the world. 5387% 5388Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex. 5389 -- Ellyn Mustard 5390% 5391exotic dancer, n: 5392 A girl who brings home the bacon a strip at a time. 5393% 5394Exuberant Sue from Anjou 5395Found that fucking affected her hue. 5396 She presented to sight 5397 Nipples pink, bottom white; 5398But her asshole was purple and blue. 5399% 5400falsie salesman, n: 5401 Fuller bust man. 5402% 5403Famous last words: 5404 1: Everything that you'll need to know is in the manual. 5405 2: You and what army? 5406 3: Don't worry, I can handle it. 5407 4: If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't 5408 be a cop. 5409 5: I don't see how they make a profit 5410 out of this stuff at a dollar and a quarter a fifth. 5411 6: We're just getting into semantics again. 5412 7: Everything's under control. 5413 8: He's an asshole! Don't try to "shush" me! 5414% 5415Fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside. You had an arse full 5416of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows, 5417long windy ones, quick little merry cracks... 5418 -- James Joyce 5419% 5420Fed some caviar to my girlfriend 5421She was a virgin tried and true 5422Now my girlfriend needs no urgin' 5423There ain't nothin' she won't do! 5424 Caviar comes from a Virgin Sturgeon - 5425 Virgin Sturgeon's a very fine fish. 5426 Virgin Sturgeon needs no urgin' 5427 That's why caviar is my dish! 5428 5429Fed some caviar to my Grandpa 5430He was a man of ninety-three 5431Shrieks and screams were heard from Grandma 5432He had chased her up a tree! 5433 (chorus) 5434% 5435felt tip, v: 5436 Past tense for a breast examination! 5437% 5438Female ballet dancers are the bravest girls around. Who else would take a 5439flying leap into the arms of a homosexual and expect to be caught? 5440 -- Rita Rudner 5441% 5442female, n: 5443 Life support system for a pussy. 5444% 5445Feminism, n: 5446 A political position which seeks to rebuild society so that 5447 both men and women are treated as women wish to be treated. 5448% 5449Feminists just want the human race to be a tie. 5450% 5451Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of 5452women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their 5453handbags are full. 5454 -- Earl Wilson 5455% 5456Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful, 5457licentious, dirty bum!! 5458% 5459Fig Newton. 5460% 5461Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. 5462% 5463Filth and old age, I'm sure you will agree, 5464Are powerful wardens upon chastity. 5465 -- Geoffrey Chaucer 5466% 5467Finally, a reporter got a chance to interview Tarzan. 5468 5469Reporter: Tarzan? Is that your first or last name? 5470Tarzan: Tarzan first name. 5471Reporter: Then, what's your whole name? 5472Tarzan: Tarzan of the Apes. 5473Reporter: And who is the woman with you? 5474Tarzan: That Jane. 5475Reporter: And what's Jane's whole name? 5476Tarzan: Cunt. 5477% 5478First you get down on your knees, Get in line in that processional, 5479Fiddle with your rosaries, Step into that small confessional, 5480Bow your head with great respect, There the guy who's got religion'll 5481And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect! Tell you if your sins' original. 5482Do whatever steps you want if If it is, try playin' it safer, 5483You have cleared them with the Pontiff, Drink the wine and chew the wafer, 5484Ev'rybody say his own Two, four, six eight, 5485Kyrie eleison, Time to transubstantiate! 5486Doin' the Vatican Rag. 5487 5488So get down upon your knees, Make a cross on your abdomen, 5489Fiddle with your rosaries, When in Rome do like a Roman, 5490Bow your head with great respect, Ave Maria, 5491And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect! Gee, it's good to see ya, 5492 Gettin' ecstatic an' sorta dramatic an' Doin' the Vatican Rag! 5493 -- Tom Lehrer, "The Vatican Rag" 5494% 5495Five-foot nine, eyes that shine 5496He was born in Palestine 5497Has anybody seen my Lord? 5498 5499He's so cool, he's so fine 5500Eat his bread and drink his wine 5501Has anybody seen my Lord? 5502 5503He's so neat, he's so cool, 5504Walks across my swimming pool. 5505Has anybody... 5506% 5507Flappity, floppity, flip 5508The mouse on the Mobius strip; 5509 The strip revolved, 5510 The mouse dissolved 5511In a chronodimensional skip. 5512% 5513Flirt, n: 5514 A girl whose favorite man is the next one. 5515% 5516Floating idly one day through the air, 5517A circus performer named Blair, 5518 Tied a sizeable rock, 5519 To the end of his cock, 5520And shattered a balcony chair. 5521% 5522Floppy now, hard later. 5523% 5524Folks, what can I tell you about my next guest. This cat allowed himself 5525to be adored, but not loved. And his success in show business was matched 5526by failure in his personal relationship bag, now that's where he really 5527bombed. And he came to believe that work, show business, love, his whole 5528life, even himself and all that jazz was bullshit. He became numero uno 5529gameplayer. Uh, to the point where he didn't know where the games ended 5530and the reality began. Like to this cat, the only reality... is death, man. 5531Ladies and gentlemen, let me lay on you, a so-so entertainer, not much of 5532a humanitarian, and this cat was never nobody's friend. In his final 5533appearance on the great stage of life, uh, you can applaud if you want to, 5534Mr. Joe Gideon!! 5535 -- All That Jazz 5536% 5537Fond of equestrians, Mabel 5538Looked for true love in the stable. 5539 But she found the studs, 5540 For her were all duds, 5541Now she's out with the leg of a table. 5542% 5543For a gay time, call 632-9483. Ask for Brucie. 5544% 5545For a good time, call 632-9484. Ask for Cathy. 5546% 5547For a good time, call 632-9485. Ask for Michael. 5548% 5549For a house-to-house salesman named Moore, 5550Getting housewives' attention's no chore: 5551 He's endowed with a dong 5552 That is 12 inches long, 5553So he wedges his foot in the door. 5554% 5555For a young man, not yet: for an old man, never at all. 5556 -- Diogenes, asked when a man should marry 5557 5558When should a man marry? A young man, not yet; an elder man, not at all. 5559 -- Sir Francis Bacon, "Of Marriage and Single Life" 5560% 5561For children, a woman. 5562For pleasure, a boy. 5563For sheer ecstasy, a melon. 5564% 5565For her first week's salary the gorgeous new secretary was given an 5566exquisite nightgown of imported lace. The next week her salary was 5567raised! 5568% 5569For months the loving newlywed had asked his blushing bride to perform oral 5570sex on him, but to no avail. His sweet entreaties never worked, for she was 5571simply too innocent and inexperienced to even *think* of such a thing, let 5572alone attempt it. But a year of gentle persistence finally paid off, and 5573one night his darling nervously but lovingly performed the act. When it was 5574over, she looked deeply into his eyes, blushed, and asked, "How was I, 5575sweetheart?" 5576 He looked at her and replied, "How should I know -- I'm no 5577cocksucker!" 5578% 5579For the sores on his prick he used Dial. 5580That failed; he gave Lava a trial. 5581 But the one remedy 5582 For contagious V.D. 5583Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial. 5584% 5585"For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe, 5586"You have told me my bosom is snowy; 5587 You have made much fine verse on 5588 Each part of my person, 5589Now do something -- there's a good boy!" 5590% 5591For those of you how have been looking for evidence that a working 5592version of "Star Wars" can be built, consider the following proof 5593offered by Caspar Weinberger: 5594 5595 "If such a system is so unattainable, why have the Soviets been 5596 working desperately to get it for over 17 years?" 5597 5598 -- USA Today, 24 June 1986 5599% 5600Fornication, n.: 5601 Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with. 5602% 5603FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #15 5604 5605Sex: 5606 Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of 5607foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay. 5608 5609Maturity: 5610 Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can 5611function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards 5612and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school 5613romances rarely work out. 5614 5615Handwriting: 5616 To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just 5617chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their 5618"i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their 5619"p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even 5620when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note. 5621% 5622FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #18 5623 5624Sexual frequency: 5625 The average man would prefer having sex every evening, or every 5626morning, or maybe both if he's under 25. The average woman would like to 5627have sex non-stop all weekend, once a month. 5628 5629Shopping: 5630 It's no coincidence that L.L. Bean, Sears, and Roebuck were all men. 5631Men don't like to shop. If a man can't foist the job off on some woman, he 5632will grit his teeth and plan the outing as he would a jungle expedition. 5633He wants a map of the store showing where he has to go to get item X in 5634color Y in the correct size, which he doesn't know. Even then it takes him 5635half an hour to get there from the entrance. When he's finally accomplished 5636his mission, he'll discover that he forgot his checkbook. Women shop to 5637relax. 5638% 5639Fortune Personals: 5640 SWBiM, 29. Gr/Fr/Mild English. Have 5641 own moose, hoop. Sincere inquiries 5642 only. Discreet. Fortune P.O. Box 1910. 5643% 5644Fortune presents: 5645 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #3. 5646 5647Kie estas la plej proksima masa^gejo? Where's the nearest massage parlor? 5648Vi dolorigas min. You're hurting me. 5649Mi deziras viziti usonan kuraciston. I want to see an American doctor. 5650Mi deziras a^ceti kontraugraveda^jojn. I would like to buy some 5651 contraceptives. 5652^Cu tiu estis ankau bona por ci? Was it good for you too? 5653% 5654Fortune presents: 5655 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #4. 5656Mia ^svebo^sipo estas plena je angiloj. My hovercraft is full of eels. 5657Neniu anticipas la hispanan No one expects the Spanish 5658 Inkvizicion. Inquisition. 5659La solvo estas kvardekdu. The answer is forty-two. 5660Adiau, kaj dankoj por ^ciom da fi^so. So long, and thanks for all the fish. 5661^Cu estas krajono en via po^so, au ^cu Is that a pencil in your pocket, 5662 vi feli^cas pri vidi min? or are you happy to see me? 5663% 5664Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands! 5665 5666Try: 5667 [Where is Jimmy Hoffa? (C shell) 5668 ^How did the^sex change operation go? (C shell) 5669 "How would you rate BSD vs. System V? 5670 %blow (C shell) 5671 'thou shalt not mow thy grass at 8am' (C shell) 5672 got a light? (C shell) 5673 !!:Say, what do you think of margarine? (C shell) 5674 PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense (Bourne shell) 5675 make love 5676 make "the perfect dry martini" 5677 man -kisses dog (anything up to 4.3BSD) 5678 i=Hoffa ; >$i; $i; rm $i; rm $i (Bourne shell) 5679% 5680FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #3 5681 5682You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this 5683proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your 5684proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits into 5685your coffee. You: 5686 5687 (a) Tell him you take your coffee black. 5688 (b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases. 5689 (c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a piss in his 5690 "In" basket. 5691 (d) Take a sip and comment how much better it tastes. 5692% 5693FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #5 5694 5695You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January and 5696tell your boss that nobody but ladies of the evening and football players 5697live there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You: 5698 5699 (a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't 5700 remember your name. 5701 (b) Ask what position she played. 5702 (c) Ask if she is still working the streets. 5703 (d) Pull lacy underwear from your raincoat pocket and ask 5704 if he recognizes the label. 5705% 5706FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #6 5707 5708You are having lunch with a prospective vendor talking about what could be 5709your best deal of the year. During the conversation a blonde walks into 5710the restaurant and she is so stunning you draw your companion's attention 5711to her and give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone 5712in your hotel. She walks over to your table and the vendor introduces her as 5713his daughter. Your next move is to: 5714 5715 (a) Ask for her hand in marriage. 5716 (b) Pass out and hope for sympathy. 5717 (c) Forget the business; repeat the conversation to the 5718 daughter and get her number. 5719 (d) Turn red and slink off into the men's room. 5720% 5721FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #7 5722You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January 5723and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live 5724there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You: 5725 5726 (a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your 5727 name. 5728 (b) Ask what position she played. 5729 (c) Pull a pair of lacey underwear from your pocket and ask if 5730 he recognizes the label. 5731% 5732Fortune understands that the vote on a bill to legalize bisexuality 5733could go either way. 5734% 5735Fortune's Guide to Movies: 5736G: No girl. 5737PG: The hero gets the girl. 5738R: The bad guy gets the girl, then the good guy gets the girl. 5739X: The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure 5740 which end it will be. 5741XXX: Everybody gets the girl. 5742% 5743Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #25: 5744 5745Q: You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you, 5746 and you didn't scream? 5747A: No ma'am. 5748Q: Does that mean you consented? 5749A: No, ma'am. That means I was unconscious. 5750% 5751Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #1 5752 5753 Any attempt to say that someone's personal beliefs are wrong, even if 5754you supply conclusive evidence to support your claim, is an outright attack. 5755If you show someone a flaw in his/her logic, they have every right to punch 5756you in the face. Mathematical proofs of errors are the moral equivalent 5757of rape and should be avoided at all cost. 5758 Now... your opponent has requested a "rational discussion". What do 5759you do? Well, remember that people are normally willing to discuss things 5760rationally if and only if you agree with them; anything less would obviously 5761not be rational. Therefore, agree immediately, and continue as before. 5762 Always assume that whenever you see someone making a statement about 5763"certain parties who shall remain nameless", "some people", "assholes", etc., 5764they are talking about *you*. It is also correct to assume that words you 5765don't understand, such as "prestidigatory", "lapidarian", and "buprestid", 5766are direct personal attacks aimed at your loved ones and merit an equally 5767scathing response. Failure to do this results in many lost opportunities for 5768rational discussion. (See above.) 5769% 5770Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #3 5771 5772The proper time for a vicious ad hominem attack is when you have no logical 5773recourse. If you have been arguing a point with a person or persons for 577430 odd weeks, and an memo comes across that logically tears down the 5775final shred of evidence that you thought you had, that is the time to call 5776the author of that memo: 5777 1: a mindless twit who attacks other people's beliefs for no reason. 5778 2: an egotistical flaming typical wombat aggie melon-humping 5779 cheese-whizzing nanosexual subuseless clamsucker whose memos 5780 are apparently sneezed onto his/her terminal. 5781 3: something unpleasant. 5782The OTHER proper time for an ad hominem attack is immediately after someone 5783has posted something you don't understand. Given the current state of modern 5784electronic communications technology your inability to comprehend the meaning 5785of an memo constitutes a violation of western moral tradition on the part of 5786the author of that memo, and the author should be taken to task publicly via 5787a series of really nasty, name-calling oriented memos. 5788% 5789FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #5 5790 5791 Don't wear your spurs while making love in a waterbed. 5792% 5793FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #8 5794 5795 Don't wear your high heels while making love on the pool table. 5796% 5797Four men had been playing golf together for twenty years. After their usual 5798Saturday game one week, one of the men joined the other three for a post-game 5799shower for the first time. His friends were surprised - "For twenty years", 5800one of them says, "you haven't showered after our game, you've just waited for 5801us in the clubhouse. Why the sudden change?" 5802 "Well", replies their friend, "I was born with a fairly unusual 5803medical condition. I had both a penis and a vagina. Last month I finally 5804decided to have the vagina removed." 5805 The other three men look at him in disbelief and disgust. "You 5806mean," snaps one of them, "you could have played from the women's tee all 5807these years?" 5808% 5809France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't tear 5810the toilet paper. 5811 -- Billy Wilder 5812% 5813From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco and it was intensified by the 5814fact that the fellow was too insensitive and ego-ridden to realize it. The 5815moment of truth came in the supper club as he clutched the girl's thigh and 5816whispered, 5817 "Baby, how's about our cutting out to my pad so I can slip you nine 5818inches?" 5819There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said, 5820 "You know, I really don't think you could get it up three times 5821in a row!" 5822% 5823Fuck art; let's dance! 5824% 5825Fuck off and die! 5826% 5827Fuck you and anybody who looks like you. 5828% 5829Fuck'em if they can't take a joke! 5830% 5831Fucking is a filthy deed. -- I like it. 5832It satisfies a normal need. -- I like it. 5833 It makes you sick, it makes you well, 5834 It turns your spine to fucking jell, 5835It damns your soul to Eternal Hell! -- I like it. 5836% 5837fuck-me-pumps, n: 5838 Stiletto heels of a certain length, usually black patent leather. 5839The proper designation is "throw-me-down-and-fuck-me" pumps. Shoes with 5840heels just high enough to let the frayed tip of a bullwhip trail around 5841them properly. 5842% 5843fuckoff, n: 5844 The tie breaker at the Miss America Beauty Pageant. 5845% 5846Gardeners do it in raised beds. 5847% 5848GARTER: 5849 An elastic band intended to keep a woman 5850 from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country. 5851% 5852Gary Hart's biggest mistake was not getting Teddy Kennedy to drive 5853Donna Rice home. 5854% 5855GAY: 5856 One who'd rather swish than fight. 5857% 5858Gentlemen prefer blondes, but who says blondes prefer gentlemen? 5859 -- Mae West 5860% 5861Geometry teaches us to bisex angels. 5862% 5863George, after tying on a whopper the night before, woke up in the morning to 5864find a pathetically unattractive woman sleeping blissfully beside him. He 5865leaped out of bed, dressed quickly, and furtively placed $100 on top of the 5866bureau. He then started to tiptoe out of the room. But, as he passed the 5867foot of the bed, he felt a tug at his trouser leg. Glancing down, he saw 5868another female even homelier than the one he'd left in bed. She gazed up 5869at him soulfully, and asked, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?" 5870% 5871George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but 5872he also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't 5873punish him? Because George still had the axe in his hand. 5874% 5875GEORGIA: 5876 Where kinky sex means getting laid. 5877% 5878"Get a load of that chick!" "Dude -- you gotta ask her out." 5879"Weellll, I dunno..." "Look. The worst she can say, is 'No'!" 5880"Hey! You're right!" "I'm always right!" 5881"The worst she can say... is 'No'!" 5882 5883"Idunnoifyou'vebeennoticingmebutI'vebeennoticingyouandIwaswonderingif 5884you'd like to go out with me!" 5885 5886Oh my god you little Geek! 5887Get away before I freak! You ugly, stupid, zitfaced scum, 5888I'm a babe and you are not. You asked me out; you MUST be dumb. 5889You can't handle what I've got! Well you can beg until you're blue, 5890I'm too hot, too hot for you.. But you're not even fit to lick my shoe. 5891 I'm too hot, too hot for you. 5892Ha ha ha! Don't make me laugh! 5893I want a whole man, not a half. I've got a bitchin' bod and a killer 5894You wet your pants, I'm so sure. face, 5895Too bad wimp-itis has no cure. I'm god's gift to the male race. 5896I'm too hot, too hot for you. I'm the queen of babes supreme, 5897 But you'll only see me in you dreams. 5898"Well? What'd she say??" I'm too hot, too hot for you. 5899"Well, she didn't say no..." 5900 -- Barry and the Bookbinders, "The Worst She Can Say is No" 5901% 5902GET OFF THE FUCKING SYSTEM THIS INSTANT, YOU ASSHOLE!!!! 5903% 5904Get your bytes from our backend! 5905 -- Britton Lee 5906% 5907Getting an education at the University of California is like having 5908$50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time. 5909% 5910Getting Cheryl to shed her apparel 5911Is like shooting goldfish in a barrel. 5912 But her genital area 5913 Is so vast it'll scareya, 5914And you venture inside at your peril. 5915% 5916Gibble gabble gabble gibble gurgle lubble gibble babble beeble triggle 5917 Lean closer. 5918Libble gabble gabble ibble gurgle gubble tibble babble feeble riggle 5919 Smile at her *knowingly*. 5920Gibble gabble sabble gibble surgle gubble gibble babble beeble giggle 5921 Nod sympathetically. Show you're on *her* side. 5922Bibble gabble gabble babble gurgle gubble gibble tribble beeble figgle 5923 Touch her hand lightly. Nobody understands but we two. 5924Fibble gabble fobble gibble gurgle bubble gibble tabble beeble giggle 5925 Look sincere. 5926 5927"Why don't we have the next drink up at MY place?" 5928 5929 God's gift to women strikes again. 5930 -- J. Feiffer 5931% 5932Gimme that old bisexuality, 5933Gimme that old bisexuality, 5934Gimme that old bisexuality, 5935'Cause it's good enough for me! 5936 5937It was good for David Bowie, 5938It was good for David Bowie, 5939It was good for David Bowie, 5940And it's good enough for me! 5941% 5942Girls are better looking in snowstorms. 5943 -- Archie Goodwin 5944% 5945Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand! 5946% 5947Girls marry for love. Boys marry because of a chronic irritation 5948that causes them to gravitate in the direction of objects with 5949certain curvilinear properties. 5950 -- Ashley Montagu 5951% 5952Girls really do know just what they want -- you to figure it out for 5953yourself! 5954% 5955Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is, 5956however, a rather archaic use of the word. Should one of you boys happen 5957upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you 5958have found a lady. What you have probably found is a lesbian. 5959 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 5960% 5961Girls who throw themselves at men, 5962are actually taking very careful aim. 5963% 5964Girls would never stay out late if guys didn't make them. 5965% 5966Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you. 5967 -- Mae West 5968% 5969Give me Librium or give me Meth. 5970% 5971GLEE CLUB GROUPIE: 5972 A girl into choral sex. 5973% 5974GNU Make will no longer go into an infinite loop when fed the horrid 5975trash that passes for makefiles that `imake' produces (so you can 5976compile X, despite the extreme stubbornness and irrationality of its 5977maintainers). 5978 -- GNU Make 3.55 release notes 5979% 5980Go out with girls Dutch treat -- pay for dinner, drinks, 5981and the movie, and the rest of the evening is on her. 5982% 5983Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company. 5984 -- Mark Twain 5985% 5986God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends. 5987% 5988God is an atheist. 5989% 5990GOD is applied POWER 5991 which is applied GOVERNMENT 5992 which is applied POLITICS 5993 which is applied ADVERTISING 5994 which is applied SOCIOLOGY 5995 which is applied PSYCHOLOGY 5996 which is applied BIOLOGY 5997 which is applied CHEMISTRY 5998 which is applied PHYSICS 5999 which is applied MATH 6000 which is applied PHILOSOPHY 6001 which is applied BULLSHIT 6002% 6003"God is as real as I am," the old man said. My faith was restored, for 6004I knew that Santa would never lie. 6005% 6006"God is big, so don't fuck with him." 6007% 6008God is not dead -- he's been busted. 6009% 6010God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent -- it says so right here 6011on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these 6012divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No 6013checks, please. Cash and in small bills. 6014 -- Lazarus Long 6015% 6016God isn't dead -- he's been busted. 6017% 6018God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft. 6019% 6020God must love assholes -- She made so many of them. 6021% 6022God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on 6023where to go. 6024 "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter. 6025 "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God. 6026 "Well, how about Mercury?" 6027 "No, it's too hot there." 6028 "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?" 6029 "No," said God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was 6030there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're 6031still talking about it." 6032% 6033God wants us to know that if we see a bumper sticker saying "Honk if you love 6034Jesus" it is a bad idea to honk to express an opinion about Jesus because it 6035will annoy the turkey who put the bumper sticker on as well as everyone else 6036in the vicinity. However, it is just fine to honk to annoy the turkey simply 6037for being a turkey, for God told Man to be fruitful and multiply, and to rule 6038over the beasts of the field and the birds of the air, and that includes the 6039turkeys who buy such bumper stickers. Of course, God understands that innocent 6040bystanders will also be annoyed, but He has wisely created traffic cops to 6041impose some constraint on how much we may annoy the turkeys within city limits, 6042for God's wisdom comprehends full well that thou shalt not make an omelette 6043without breaking eggs. God only wishes they were turkey eggs, so such moral 6044dilemmas shall be fewer in number in the future, when the generations a-coming 6045(hallelujah) won't have so many turkeys to deal with. But God knows full well 6046that such things take time, and the turkeys are showing more resilience than 6047expected, and may be with us for a long time yet. 6048% 6049God's plan had a great beginning, 6050But man spoiled his chances by sinning 6051 We trust that the story 6052 Will end in God's glory 6053But at present the other side's winning. 6054% 6055Going into politics is as fatal to a gentleman as going into a bordello 6056is fatal to a virgin. 6057 -- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe" 6058% 6059Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields 6060Sold in a market down in New Orleans 6061Scarred old slaver knows he's doing alright 6062Hear him whip the women, just around midnight 6063 6064Ah, brown sugar how come you taste so good? 6065Ah, brown sugar just like a young girl should 6066 6067Drums beating cold English blood runs hot 6068Lady of the house wonderin' where it's gonna stop 6069House boy knows that he's doing alright 6070You should a heard him just around midnight. 6071... 6072I bet your mama was tent show queen 6073And all her girlfriends were sweet sixteen 6074I'm no school boy but I know what I like 6075You should have heard me just around midnight. 6076 -- Rolling Stones, "Brown Sugar" 6077% 6078Goldfish: Two naked people tied and put on a mattress together to make love 6079"fish fashion" (ie: no hands). Originally a nineteenth-century bordel joke. 6080It can be done (if you are the victims, try on your sides from behind). 6081Venerable party game, but don't play it with strangers, or leave players 6082unsupervised, even briefly. There was a nice spoof on this sex stunt in 6083the movie "Soldier Blue". A good many women can get an orgasm from this 6084simply by struggling, especially if you put them in front of a mirror. 6085Don't both tie yourselves, even if you can manage it -- you might not be 6086able to get loose. 6087 -- The Joy of Sex 6088% 6089Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend. 6090% 6091Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen! 6092Here's a little number I tossed up in the Carribean recently... 6093 6094Isn't it awfully nice to have a Penis, 6095isn't it frightfully good to have a Dong. 6096 6097It's swell to have a Stiffy, 6098it's divine to have a Dick, 6099from the tinyest little Tadger, 6100to the world's greatest Prick. 6101 6102So, breeches for your Willy or John-Thomas, 6103Hooray! for your One Eyed Trouser's Snake. 6104 6105Your Piece of Pork, your Wife's best friend, 6106your Porky or your Cock, 6107you can wrap it up in ribbons, 6108you can stick it in your sock! 6109 6110But, don't take it out in public, 6111or they will stick you in the dock, 6112and you won't come back. 6113 -- The Meaning of Life, Monty Python 6114% 6115good scout, n: 6116 Someone who knows the lay of the land and will take you to her. 6117% 6118Gorbachev woke up early one morning, and felt great. He walked over to his 6119window, threw back the curtains, and saw the sun coming up. He felt *so* 6120good, he crowed, "Good Morning Sun!", and was startled when a great booming 6121voice came back to him, "Good morning Comrade! Good morning to you and 6122the great Soviet Socialist Republic!". Of course, this surprised him, but 6123great politician that he is, he considers the political ramifications. 6124Gorbachev then woke up Reza and his closest aides, brought them into his 6125bedroom, and shouted out "Good morning, Comrade Sun!". Again a booming reply, 6126"Good morning, Comrade. Good morning to you and the rest of the Party!" 6127Everyone was quite excited about this, and Gorbachev sat down to his 6128day's work with a feeling of being destiny's favorite child. 6129 Later, in the evening, he was preparing for the ballet. As he 6130dressed, he noticed that the sun was setting. Walking over to the window, 6131Gorbachev threw up the sash and again addressed the sun, "Good evening to 6132you, Comrade Sun!". Once more the great voice boomed out, "Fuck you, 6133asshole! I'm in the West now!" 6134% 6135Grain grows best in shit. 6136 -- Ursula K. LeGuin 6137% 6138Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker. 6139% 6140Great Lover, n.: 6141 A man who can breathe through his ears. 6142% 6143Gross, adj.: 6144 When your bloody mary still has the string in it. 6145% 6146Gross, adj.: 6147 When your grandmother kisses you goodnight and 6148 slips you some tongue. 6149% 6150Gynecologist, n: 6151 Someone who spends their time spreading old wives' tails. 6152% 6153HACKER: 6154 A master byter. 6155% 6156Hackers do it bottom-up. 6157% 6158Hackers do it with all sorts of characters. 6159% 6160Hackers do it with bugs. 6161% 6162Hackers do it with fewer instructions. 6163% 6164Hackers have kernel knowledge. 6165% 6166Hackers know all the right MOVs. 6167% 6168Haggis, n.: 6169 Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and 6170considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human 6171consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or 6172other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled 6173in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a minute ... 6174% 6175Half the posts to this group are about masturbation and the other half 6176are about penis size. And what I want to know is, if all you're doing 6177is jerking off, why do you care how big it is? 6178 -- From alt.sex 6179% 6180Halt!! Who goes there, friend or enema? 6181% 6182Handsome woman. -- Lovely bust. 6183Fine young fellow. -- Stirred-up lust. -- 6184 Babies' diapers. -- 6185 Bottom wipers. -- 6186Years of struggle. -- Coffin. -- Dust. 6187% 6188Handy hint: 6189 A tea bag or two can be a dandy substitute 6190 when you're out of tampons. 6191% 6192Hang gliders come down very slowly. 6193% 6194Hangover, n: 6195 The burden of proof. 6196% 6197HAPPINESS: 6198 Having your Herpes (Type II) test come back negative. 6199% 6200Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is 6201to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal 6202difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the 6203former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) 6204facts. The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the 6205historian uses his to enrich the past. Both are usually up to their 6206ankles in bullshit. 6207 -- Tom Robbins 6208% 6209Harold had never wanted a woman so much in his life, upon overhearing the 621022- year-old beauty remark that he was too old and out of shape for her. The 6211determined septuagenarian immediately embarked upon a rigorous self-improvement 6212program. He had his face lifted, bought a toupee, ran five miles every day, 6213lifted weights and adopted a strict vegetarian diet. Within months, the 6214rejuvenated man won the young woman's heart, and she agreed to marry him. 6215 On the way out of the chapel, however, Harold was fatally struck 6216by lightning. Furious, he confronted Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "How 6217could you do this to me after all the pain I went through?" 6218 "To be honest, Harold," Saint Peter sheepishly replied, "I didn't 6219recognize you." 6220% 6221Harry came into work on Monday feeling absolutely fine, and so was astonished 6222when his secretary urged him to lie down on the sofa; even more so when his 6223boss took one look at him and ordered him to take the day, if not the week, 6224off. Even his poker buddies wouldn't have anything to do with him, insisting 6225that he go straight to bed. Finally, tired of resisting everyone's advice, 6226he went to see his doctor, who took one look at him and rushed over with 6227a stretcher. 6228 "But doctor," he protested, "I feel fine." 6229Well, this was a puzzler, conceded the doctor, who proceeded to refer to the 6230enormous reference tomes behind his desk, muttering to himself. 6231 "Looks good, feels good... No, you look like hell. Looks good, 6232feels terrible... Nah, you feel fine, right?" 6233Thumbing furiously through another volume, he said, 6234 "Looks terrible, feels terrible... Nope, that won't do it either." 6235Finally, "Looks terrible, feels terrific... Aha!! You're a vagina!" 6236% 6237Have you ever really thought about there being a simple solution to 6238America's problems? Why, we could solve all of our raw materials 6239difficulties, foreign complications etc. over a long weekend. If we 6240got up early, early mind you, on Saturday, we could take over Mexico 6241by 10:00. Panama and most of South America would be a bit more difficult, 6242but I believe we could do it by 6 or 7 that evening. Turning our 6243attention northward, Canada would require most of Sunday morning. 6244General mopping up and execution of the civilian populations would take 6245up Sunday afternoon. I just don't understand why Washington hasn't 6246thought of this... 6247% 6248Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman 6249President? "I can't deal with the Russians today. Not now. I've got 6250my period." 6251 -- Steven Moore 6252% 6253Have you ever tried to tickle yourself? Everybody has some wacko aunt or 6254uncle that can just point at you and have you rolling with laughter. But 6255if you shove your fist in your underarm for a week and a half you won't 6256laugh. Somehow your underarm just knows that it's *your* fist. Thank God 6257other parts of our bodies are dumber. 6258% 6259Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs, I 6260mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container filled with 6261water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite sex, none of whom 6262is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in their hot tubs, Californians 6263don't give a damn about earthquakes or mass murderers. They don't give a 6264damn about anything , which is why they are able to produce "Laverne and 6265Shirley" week after week. 6266 -- Dave Barry 6267% 6268Have you heard about Magda Lupescu, 6269Who came to Rumania's rescue? 6270 It's a wonderful thing 6271 To be under a king-- 6272Is democracy better, I esk you? 6273% 6274Have you heard of knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzum 6275Who married Samantha, his bow-legged cousin? 6276 Some people say, 6277 Love finds a way, 6278But for Sam and Samantha it doesn'. 6279% 6280Have you heard of the lady named Cox 6281Who had a capacious old box? 6282 When her lover was in place 6283 She said, "Please turn your face. 6284I look like a gal, but I screw like a fox." 6285% 6286Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham 6287And the scandal that's currently concerning'em? 6288 How they lift the frock 6289 And tickle the cock 6290Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em? 6291% 6292Have you seen how Sonny's burning, 6293Like some bright erotic star, 6294He lights up the proceedings, 6295And raises the temperature. 6296 -- The Birthday Party, "Sonny's Burning" 6297% 6298Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used 6299for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such 6300attempts ... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous 6301as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the 6302Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God 6303finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve. 6304 -- R. E. Masters 6305% 6306Having lost his potency years before, the octogenarian was desperate to 6307satisfy his new 18-year-old wife. He visited a gypsy woman with magical 6308powers. 6309 After the man downed a foul-tasting potion, the gypsy said, "There. 6310Now the words beep-beep will give you an enormous erection. Repeating 6311the phrase will make it disappear. But remember," she cautioned, "it will 6312work only three times. Make use of them wisely." 6313 As the old man left, he decided to test her prediction. "Beep-beep," 6314he said, and sure enough, he got the biggest erection of his life. 6315"Beep-beep", he repeated. It went away. 6316 He sped through traffic on his way home. "Beep-beep," honked a taxi. 6317The old man gasped as he instantly got hard. 6318 "Beep-beep," honked a truck. His erection wilted. 6319 Pulling into his driveway at last, the frantic man rushed inside 6320and found his nubile wife lying on the bed reading a novel. 6321 "Have I got a surprise for you," he said, tearing off his clothes. 6322"Beep-beep!" 6323 "Hold on a second," his wife said, eyeing his magnificent erection. 6324"What's all this beep-beep shit?" 6325% 6326Having made a remark rather coarse, 6327A young lady was seized with remorse; 6328 She fled from the room, 6329 And later, a groom 6330Saw her rolling about in the gorse. 6331 -- Edward Gorey 6332% 6333He: Am I... am I your first? 6334She: Well, honey, I could have sworn your face looked familiar... 6335% 6336He: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!" 6337She: "No, thanks, I've already got one asshole in there now." 6338% 6339He: So, what do you say to little fuck? 6340She: I say, "get lost, little fuck." 6341% 6342He boil my first cabbage, make it awfully hot, 6343But when he put in the bacon, oooh, you know it overflow the pot. 6344 -- Bessie Smith, "Empty Bed Blues" 6345% 6346He carried me over the stream, striding through the current, his strong, 6347muscular, thighs scarcely hesitating as he sure-footedly forded the water. 6348But what was that bulge, small, oblong, solid, that might have been, say, 6349a pocket camera? 6350 -- An Exciting Journey 6351% 6352"He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control." 6353% 6354He dove down overweighted with lead. 6355Passed one hundred and flat lost his head. 6356 He flapped and he flailed, 6357 Spit his hose and he wailed, 6358Swallowed water and found himself dead. 6359% 6360He drank with curvy Mable, 6361The pace was fast and furious, 6362He slid beneath the table, 6363Not drunk but merely curious. 6364% 6365He grabbed me by my slender neck, 6366I could not call or scream. 6367He dragged me to his tiny room, 6368Where we could not be seen. 6369He tore away my filmy wrap, 6370And gazed upon my form. 6371I so cold and frightened, 6372While he so strong and warm. 6373He pressed me to his thirsty lips, 6374I gave him every drop. 6375He drained me of my very self, 6376I could not make him stop! 6377And that is why you see me here, 6378An empty, broken bottle of beer... 6379% 6380He had heard that a certain whorehouse had a reputation for the bizarre. 6381So he drove to the place and, once inside, asked the Madam if she had anything 6382unusual for him to try. "Things are pretty slow today," she said, "but I 6383do have one number you might enjoy." She went on to describe a New Jersey 6384hen that had been trained to do blow jobs. 6385 "We've got her here, but only for the day." 6386 The visitor could hardly believe it, but he paid the fee and went 6387into a room with a hen. After a frustrating hour of trying to force his 6388cock into the hen's mouth, he figured out that he was dealing with nothing 6389but a plain old chicken. He left. Thinking about it later, he decided 6390that he had had so much fun trying that he returned the few days later and 6391asked the Madam, "Do you have anything new today?" 6392 "Come this way," she said, and led him to a dark room where a group 6393of men were looking through a one-way mirror. He saw that they were watching 6394a girl making it with a large doberman pinscher. 6395 "Wow!" he said to the man standing next to him. "This is really 6396great!" 6397 The man replied, "Man, it ain't nothin'! You shoulda been here 6398a week ago and seen the guy with the chicken!" 6399% 6400He hated to mend, so young Ned 6401Called in a cute neighbor instead. 6402 Her husband said, "Vi, 6403 When you stitched up his torn fly, 6404Did you have to bite off the thread?" 6405% 6406He played smooch and stinkfinger with Daisy 6407Till this virgin was gotch-eyed and hazy. 6408 Then his gargantuan pole in 6409 Her pink, tight, and swollen 6410Young cunt just about drove her crazy. 6411% 6412He used to kiss her on her lips, but it's all over now. 6413% 6414He was not only a great swordsman, but also a cunning linguist. 6415% 6416He was so gay he'd never lean his ass on a baseball bat -- 6417scared it'd get serious. 6418% 6419He was so ugly hookers used to tell him, "Not on the first date." 6420% 6421He was the world's only armless sculptor. He put the chisel in his mouth 6422and his wife hit him on the back of the head with a mallet. 6423 -- Fred Allen 6424% 6425He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they 6426_H_A_D to make him President of the United States. It's the only job he's 6427qualified for! 6428 -- Michael Cain 6429% 6430He who farts in church must sit in his own pew. 6431% 6432He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, pink 6433damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun. 6434% 6435He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own 6436hands. 6437% 6438He who trains his tongue to quote the learned 6439sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass. 6440 -- Howard Kandel 6441% 6442Hear about... 6443 one penile desensitizer that's so effective that you 6444 have to stroke the tube for five minutes to get the cap off? 6445% 6446Hear about... 6447 the 97-year-old prostitute who got herself listed in the Yellow 6448 Pages and now claims to be the oldest trick in the book? 6449% 6450Hear about... 6451 the absent minded nurse who made the patient without disturbing 6452 the bed? 6453% 6454Hear about... 6455 the absent-minded exhibitionist who was arrested for exposing 6456 his whatchamacalit? 6457% 6458Hear about... 6459 the ambitious secretary who walked into her boss's office and 6460 demanded a salary on next week's advance? 6461% 6462Hear about... 6463 the Ayatollah Khomeini Doll? 6464 Wind it up and it takes Ken and Barbie hostage. 6465% 6466Hear about... 6467 the basketball player who was so tall that his girlfriend had to 6468 go up on him? 6469% 6470Hear about... 6471 the careless canary that did it for a lark? 6472% 6473Hear about... 6474 the careless contortionist who accidentally swallowed his pride? 6475% 6476Hear about... 6477 the cinema buff that's very excited by current trends in films? 6478 The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure 6479 which end it will be. 6480% 6481Hear about... 6482 the compulsive gambler who drove to Las Vegas, pulled up to 6483 a parking meter, put a dime in -- and lost his car? 6484% 6485Hear about... 6486 the couple on the stalled elevator who got off between floors? 6487% 6488Hear about... 6489 the cross-eyed shoe fetishist who was always getting off on the 6490 wrong foot? 6491% 6492Hear about... 6493 the doctor that prescribed sex for insommia? His patients didn't 6494 get any more sleep, but they had more fun staying awake. 6495% 6496Hear about... 6497 the drunken midget who walked into a home for girls and kissed 6498 everybody in the joint? 6499% 6500Hear about... 6501 the elderly gentleman who was stung on the privates by a bee and 6502 asked the doctor to relieve the pain but leave the swelling? 6503% 6504Hear about... 6505 the Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and 6506 next morning found she was six months pregnant? 6507% 6508Hear about... 6509 the farmer who couldn't keep his 6510 hands off his wife so he fired them? 6511% 6512Hear about... 6513 the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his wife, so he 6514 fired them? 6515% 6516Hear about... 6517 The fellow who chased his girlfriend up a tree and kissed 6518 her between the limbs? 6519% 6520Hear about... 6521 the fellow who got ten years for pumping Ethyl behind the station? 6522% 6523Hear about... 6524 the fellow who maintains a special register of particularly 6525 accommodating girls? He refers to it as his little blew book. 6526% 6527Hear about... 6528 the fellow who was descended from a long line his mother heard? 6529% 6530Hear about... 6531 the fine, upstanding young woman who's wonderful laying down? 6532% 6533Hear about... 6534 the freaky WAC who was court-martialed for contributing to the 6535 delinquency of a major? 6536% 6537Hear about... 6538 the French soldier who kissed his wife's cheeks before he went 6539 to the front? 6540% 6541Hear about... 6542 the freshman coed who decided not to sign up for a course in sex 6543 education when she heard the final exam would be oral? 6544% 6545Hear about... 6546 the frustrated musician who worked all week on an arrangement and 6547 then his wife didn't leave town? 6548% 6549Hear about... 6550 the fun-loving young lady who insists she won't even consider 6551 marriage until she's gotten some experience under her belt? 6552% 6553Hear about... 6554 the gay tattoo artist who had designs on several of the local 6555 sailors? 6556% 6557Hear about... 6558 the girl that wanted to impress her new boyfriend, 6559 so she put on her low-cut dress to show him a thing or two? 6560% 6561Hear about... 6562 the girl who called her boyfriend Amaretto, 'cause he was 6563 such a sweet liquor? 6564% 6565Hear about... 6566 the girl who was so undesirable that she even turned her vibrator 6567 off? 6568% 6569Hear about... 6570 the girl with the big wardrobe who started with just a little slip? 6571% 6572Hear about... 6573 the guy who couldn't find his way to the orgy? Just kind of lost 6574 his ball bearings. 6575% 6576Hear about... 6577 the guy who couldn't find his way to the orgy -- you might say he 6578 lost his ball bearings? 6579% 6580Hear about... 6581 the guy who had his vasectomy done by Sears? 6582 Every time he gets a hard-on, the garage door goes up. 6583% 6584Hear about... 6585 the guy who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that 6586 he'd never be able to face his girl again? 6587% 6588Hear about... 6589 the guy who was an incurable romantic until penicillin came along? 6590% 6591Hear about... 6592 the guy who was so well endowed that he had a fiveskin? 6593% 6594Hear about... 6595 the handsome bachelor Senator who hired a ravishing blonde as his 6596 assistant and then made her the object of a long Congressional probe? 6597% 6598Hear about... 6599 the high school drum major who dated two of the majorettes and 6600 so enjoyed the breasts of both whirlers? 6601% 6602Hear about... 6603 the hurricane that recently struck Fire Island -- Hurricane Bruce? 6604% 6605Hear about... 6606 the inexperienced stenographer who discovered that she could lose 6607 a lot more than letters behind the files? 6608% 6609Hear about... 6610 the insurance salesman who says his greatest successes are 6611 with young housewives who aren't adequately covered? 6612% 6613Hear about... 6614 the little boy that found a fifty cent 6615 piece, so he went home for some money? 6616% 6617Hear about... 6618 the little boy that found a fifty cent piece, so he went home 6619 for some money? 6620% 6621Hear about... 6622 the loner who gave up his solitary vice for Lent? Except on 6623 Palm Sunday, of course. 6624% 6625Hear about... 6626 the man who never worried about his marriage until he moved from New 6627 York to California and discovered that he still had the same milkman? 6628% 6629Hear about... 6630 the man who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that 6631 he'd never be able to face his girl again? 6632% 6633Hear about... 6634 the mother of 12 who was called upon to use her diaphragm so often 6635 that she kept it tacked to the headboard of her bed? 6636% 6637Hear about... 6638 the new breakfast cereal called Queerios? You simply add milk 6639 and they eat each other. 6640% 6641Hear about... 6642 the new breakfast cereal called "Swingers". They don't go snap, 6643 crackle, or pop; they just lie there and go bang, bang, bang? 6644% 6645Hear about... 6646 the new instrument of credit especially designed for use in 6647 Los Angeles single bars? It's called Bang Americard. 6648% 6649Hear about... 6650 the new instrument of credit especially designed for use in 6651 single bars -- BANG AMERICARD? 6652% 6653Hear about... 6654 the new rule at the girls' school? 6655 Lights out by ten, candles by eleven. 6656% 6657Hear about... 6658 the new vitamin made from chicken blood, 6659 it makes men cocky and women lay better? 6660% 6661Hear about... 6662 the nurse they thought had drowned 6663 until they found her under the doc? 6664% 6665Hear about... 6666 the nymphomaniac teenager popularly known as Little Often Annie? 6667% 6668Hear about... 6669 the over-eager bride who came, walking down the aisle? 6670% 6671Hear about... 6672 the perverted australian who left his wife and returned to Sydney? 6673% 6674Hear about... 6675 the poor Greek fisherman who got his upper torso wedged into 6676 a porthole and couldn't get out to save his ass? 6677% 6678Hear about... 6679 the real smart girl who could play post-office all night 6680 without getting any mail in her box? 6681% 6682Hear about... 6683 the recent cigarette survey that disclosed that 99% of the 6684 men who have tried Camels have gone back to women? 6685% 6686Hear about... 6687 the San Franciscan who backed off the bus because he thought 6688 someone would grab his seat? 6689% 6690Hear about... 6691 the secretary that got fired because she had one too mini? 6692% 6693Hear about... 6694 the sultan who had ten wives, nine of them had it soft. 6695% 6696Hear about... 6697 the swinger who labeled his little black book "Future Shack"? 6698% 6699Hear about... 6700 the tight end who got two years for possession and came out a 6701 wide receiver? 6702% 6703Hear about... 6704 the truck driver who pulled out to avoid a child and fell 6705 off the sofa? 6706% 6707Hear about... 6708 the ultimate in singles bars. It's a place where girls have 6709 to show their I.U.D.'s to be admitted? 6710% 6711Hear about... 6712 the woman who claimed that two martinis usually made her 6713 feel like a new man? 6714% 6715Hear about... 6716 the woman who says two martinis usually make her feel like a 6717 new man? 6718% 6719Hear about... 6720 the young lady attacked in San Francisco? 6721 By two men, one held her down while the other one did her hair. 6722% 6723Hear about... 6724 the young thing who is fondly known to the men in the office as 6725 Secretariat -- not just because she's a good secretary but because 6726 she's a wonderful mount? 6727% 6728Hear about the... 6729 guy who wore a tux to his vasectomy, because he figured that 6730 if he was going to be impotent he might as well look impotent. 6731% 6732Hear that... 6733 bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous 6734 Census Taker". It's about a guy who comes once every ten years? 6735% 6736Hear that... 6737 the Masters and Johnson clinic may well be the only organization 6738 in the world from which a man resigns when he becomes a member 6739 in good standing? 6740% 6741Hear that... 6742 the only thing worse than coming home with lipstick on your 6743 collar is being caught with leg make-up on your ears? 6744% 6745Hear that... 6746 the Pope's next pronouncement on birth control is to be titled 6747 "Paul's Epistle to the Fallopians"? 6748% 6749Hear that... 6750 there's an establishment near the White House that caters to kinky 6751 tastes? There's a House whip in attendance, of course? 6752% 6753Hear that... 6754 those new edible candy pants are about to be distributed in a male 6755 version -- with nuts of course? 6756% 6757Heard tell that the Iron Magnolia wanted to divorce ol' Jimmy. 6758Seems he's screwing everyone but her. 6759% 6760He'd kiss and the girls called him Georgie 6761They'd cry and the girls called him Porgie. 6762 So he put Spanish fly 6763 In their pudding and pie 6764And had the first tiny-tot orgy. 6765% 6766Heisenberg may have done it. 6767% 6768"Hell, no," said the Duchess of Quick, 6769"I won't suck his filthy old prick! 6770 It's not that I funk 6771 At a mouthful of spunk, 6772But the smell of his ass makes me sick!" 6773% 6774"Hello? Enema Bondage? I'm calling because I want to be happy, I guess..." 6775 -- Zippy the Pinhead 6776% 6777Hello, children!! 6778 This is Uncle Dennis welcoming you to your very own fortune. 6779 Today we are going to hear a story, so sit right here on my lap 6780 and we can all start. Comfortable? Ah, yes, ah... Ah? Ah!! 6781 6782 One day, Rikki, the magic Pixie, went to visit Daisy Bumble in her 6783 tumbledown cottage. He found her in the bedroom. Roughly he 6784 grabbed her heaving ******* pulling her down on the bed and 6785 hurriedly ripping off her thin *******. 6786 6787 Old Nick, the Sea Captain was a rough tough jolly sort of fellow. 6788 He loved the life of the sea and he loved to hang out down by the 6789 pier where the men dressed as ladies ****** **** ******* ******* 6790 of ***** ****** **** the ****** with a melon. 6791 6792 Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky shop in the foot of the Magic 6793 oak tree by the wobbly dum-dum tree in the shade of the enchanted 6794 glen down in Dingly Dell. Here he sold contraceptives, ******** 6795 and various appliances *** ******** *** ***** naked fun and ***** 6796 the ******** ******* *** into six or seven pairs. 6797% 6798Help! I'm a lesbian trapped in a gay man's body! 6799 -- Bisexuality, 101 6800% 6801Help Stamp Out Rape! (Say Yes.) 6802% 6803HENPECKED HUSBAND: 6804 One who's afraid to tell his pregnant wife that he's sterile. 6805% 6806Her brother, a bastard named Ben, 6807Could rotate his pecker, and then 6808 He would shoot through his rear 6809 Which made him dear 6810Of the girls, and the envy of men. 6811% 6812Her daughter, thought worried Ms. Coffin, 6813Had morals the city might soften. 6814 So she phoned and asked, "Lynn, 6815 Are you living in sin?" 6816Lynn said, "No -- but I visit there often." 6817% 6818Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest 6819in a yak. 6820 -- Woody Allen 6821% 6822Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her. 6823% 6824Here I sit, my cheeks a flexin', 6825Just gave birth to another Texan. 6826% 6827Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with 6828the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul 6829Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't define 6830pornography, but he knew it when he saw it. So for a while, the 6831court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to 6832Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over. "Nope, this isn't 6833it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until one morning when 6834his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an 6835enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a 6836ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except 6837that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about 6838it because the court was going to take a nap. 6839 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 6840% 6841Here's a toast to Screwy Dick, 6842The man who was born with a corkscrew prick. 6843He spent his life in a futile hunt, 6844To find a woman with a spiral cunt. 6845And when he did, he dropped stone dead, 6846'Cause the blasted thing had a left-hand thread! 6847% 6848"Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther 6849King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed: 6850 6851 * Governmental offices 6852 * Post offices 6853 * Libraries 6854 * Schools 6855 * Banks 6856 * Parts of Palm Beach 6857 6858and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina." 6859 -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live" 6860% 6861Here's to the girl in little red shoes, 6862She drinks my liquor, she drinks my booze, 6863She has no cherry, but that's no sin, 6864She has the box the cherry came in. 6865% 6866Here's to the girl that's dressed in black, 6867She's dressed so neat there's nothing to lack 6868She feels so fine and kisses so sweet 6869She makes things stand that have no feet. 6870% 6871Here's to the girl that's sweet, 6872Here's to the girl that's true, 6873Here's to the girl in all our hearts... 6874 6875In other words, guys, what do you say we all go downtown for 6876the rest of the night? 6877% 6878Here's to the woman beautiful and divine 6879she flowers every month bears fruit every nine 6880she's the only creature 'tween heaven and hell 6881can get the juice from a nut without cracking the shell. 6882% 6883Here's to women. Would that we could fall into her arms without falling 6884into her hands. 6885 -- Ambrose Bierce 6886% 6887HERMIT: 6888 A man who'd rather get off by himself. 6889% 6890HERPES: 6891 The final proof that 'tis better to give than to receive. 6892 Much better. 6893% 6894He's a son-of-a-bitch, but he's our son-of-a-bitch. 6895 -- FDR on Nicaraguan dictator Anastasio Somoza 6896% 6897He's gallantry personified, in fact, his brochures ought to 6898read satisfaction guaranteed, or your virginity returned intact. 6899% 6900He's learned about 50% of the rules of sex and conversation; 6901he knows how to stick it in, but not how to stick it out. 6902% 6903"He's not pining, he's passed on! This parrot won't squawk! He's 6904ceased to be! He's expired, and gone to meet his maker! It's a 6905stiff! No breath of life, he may rest in peace! If you hadn't nailed 6906him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's off the twig! 6907He's kicked the bucket! He's curled up his tooties! He's shuffled off 6908this mortal world! He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n 6909Choir Invincible! HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT! Vis-a-vi his metabolic 6910processes is head is lost. All statements concerning this parrot is no 6911longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative... 6912 6913 THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!" 6914% 6915Hey baby! 6916 How 'bout a brutal face fuck? 6917% 6918HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS: 6919 A great way to prevent the tragedy of unwanted pregnancy is to 6920become a homosexual. Every year, millions of young men and women, just 6921like you, are making the clean change to worry-free homosexuality. 6922They're having more sex than ever, and more fun than ever. Send 50 cents 6923today for my leaflet "Gay sexual techniques". Be sure to specify the 6924male or female edition. 6925% 6926HEY, KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS: 6927 Masturbation isn't as simple as it looks. Do it right! 6928Send 50 cents for my illustrated booklet "Masturbation techniques 6929for the teenager". Be sure to specify the male or female edition. 6930% 6931HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS: 6932 Remember, oral sex CAN cause pregnancy, unless you use an 6933oral contraceptive. See your family planning clinic today! 6934% 6935Hickory Dickory Dock, 6936Three mice ran up a clock! 6937The clock struck one, 6938Right in the balls! 6939 6940There was an old woman, 6941Who lived in a shoe, 6942Who had so many children, 6943Her uterus fell right out. 6944% 6945Higgledy Piggledy Coeducational 6946Yale University Extracurricular 6947Gave up misogyny Heterosexual 6948Opened its door. Fun is in store. 6949% 6950Hire the handicapped -- they're fun to watch! 6951% 6952His shy bride admitted to Crandall 6953That for years she'd worked off with a candle, 6954 But a cock like his dick 6955 Gave her ten times the kick, 6956Though it stained her wee peehole to handle! 6957% 6958Home is where the hurt is. 6959 -- Strange de Jim 6960% 6961Honest, officer, had I known my health was 6962in jeopardy, why, I'd never have lit one! 6963% 6964HONOR: 6965 Almost as good as in 'er. 6966% 6967horny, adj: 6968 When your cock gets hard if the wind blows. 6969% 6970Horsecrap, little brother. There's always something more to be done. 6971Another palm to be greased. Another back to be scratched. Another 6972weak sister to be shored up. 6973 -- J.R. Ewing 6974% 6975HOT TUB TIPS FOR WOMEN 6976 Vol. I -- Etiquette 6977 69781. It's not lady-like to straddle a water jet, moan in ecstasy, and then 6979 scream at the top of your lungs, "Oh, yes, YES, BABY!" 69802. Washing your partner's back is sexy. Washing your panty hose is not. 69813. Nude bathing with strangers can be a pleasant experience; don't spoil 6982 it for everyone with a thoughtless remark, such as "My God, I've 6983 seen bigger wangs on hamsters!" 69844. It's O.K. to pass a joint while tubbing. Don't pass anything else. 69855. Don't think you're fooling anybody by passing off your vibrator as a 6986 toy submarine. 6987% 6988How can you say that the world isn't 6989Jewish, when the sun's real name is Sol? 6990% 6991How come if you're horny it's lust, but if she's horny it's affection? 6992% 6993"How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the 6994government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was 6995gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle. We'll be 6996lucky to escape with our skins!" 6997% 6998How should they answer? 6999 -- Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) in reply to the question 7000 "Why do Jews always answer a question with a question?" 7001% 7002How soon can you have sexual relations after your wife delivers? 7003Well, depends on if she's in a ward or a private room. 7004% 7005HOW TO REMOVE STAINS -- #28 7006 Semen stains can be removed from computer terminals with 7007 Fantastik or the like. Use Windex on the glass however, and 7008 be sure to turn the power off if you have to clean between 7009 the keys. 7010% 7011Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole. 7012 -- John Valby 7013% 7014Hugh Hefner is a virgin. 7015% 7016Hunters make the best lovers; they go deeper into the 7017bush, shoot more often and *always* eat what they shoot. 7018% 7019Hypocrisy is the vaseline of social intercourse. 7020% 7021hypocrite, n: 7022 A man who says he likes cats, but won't eat pussy. 7023% 7024I am an atheist, thank God! 7025% 7026I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it 7027once was ... an arctic wilderness. 7028 -- Steve Martin 7029% 7030I bet you think you're pretty cool driving around without auto insurance. 7031You're probably saying to yourself, "I'm beating the system." But what's 7032going to happen when you get pulled over and lose your license because 7033you're not insured. What girl's going to ride shotgun on a ten-speed on 7034a Saturday Night? Yeah, you're going to be beating more than the system... 7035 -- auto insurance ad, heard on KNAC, Long Beach. 7036% 7037I call Christianity the one great curse, the one enormous and innermost 7038perversion, the one great instinct of revenge, for which no means are 7039too venomous, too underhand, too underground and too petty -- I call it 7040the one immortal blemish of mankind. 7041 -- Fredrich Nietzsche 7042% 7043I call it the "Madman Theory". I want the North Vietnamese to believe that 7044I've reached the point where I might do *anything* to stop the war. We'll 7045just slip the word to them that "For God's sake, you know, Nixon is obsessed 7046about Communism. We can't restrain him when he's angry -- and he has his 7047hand on the nuclear button." 7048 -- Richard Nixon 7049% 7050I came; I saw; I fucked up. 7051% 7052I can understand companionship. I can understand bought sex in the 7053afternoon. I cannot understand the love affair. 7054 -- Gore Vidal 7055% 7056I can't quite put my finger on it, but something about you pisses me off. 7057 -- Peter Knight 7058% 7059I choked Linda Lovelace. 7060% 7061I continued wetting my bed for a long time, not just out of contrariness, 7062but to have the pleasure of feeling my warm urine running down my legs 7063and wallowing in its odor. 7064 -- Salvador Dali 7065% 7066I did not look behind me, 'till I got to St. Omer's & thence fled to America; 7067here I offer'd to become a Spy for the English Government which was scornfully 7068rejected; I then turned to Plunder & Libel the Yankees, for which I was fined 70695000 Dollars & kicked out of the Country! I came back to England (after 7070absconding for Seven years) & set up the Crown & Mitre to establish my Loyalty! 7071-- accepted from the Doctor L400 to print & disperse a pamphlet against "the 7072Hellfire of Reform" ... but applied the Money to purchase an estate at Botley, 7073& left ye Doctor to pay the Paper & Printing! Being now Lord of the Manor, I 7074began by sowing the seeds of discontent through Hampshire; I oppressed the 7075Poor, sent the Aged to Hell, & damned the eyes of my Parish Apprentices before 7076they were open'd in the morning! ... and being now supported by a Band of 7077Reformers, I renewed my old favorite Toast of Damnation to the House of 7078Brunswick! & being exalted by the sale of 10,000 Political Registers every 7079week, I find myself the greatest Man in the World! except that Idol of all my 7080Adorations, his Royal and Imperial Majesty, NAPOLEONE! 7081 -- William Cobbett, British journalist 7082% 7083I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing 7084Who said, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?" 7085 I replied, "Simple shagging 7086 Without any wagging 7087Is only for screwing canoeing." 7088% 7089"I do love a lay every day, 7090So whenever you're coming this way 7091 Just phone in advance 7092 And I'll jerk off my pants, 7093And we're set for a sexy soiree!" 7094% 7095I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get those reindeer off my roof. 7096% 7097I don't discriminate on the basis of sex. 7098 -- Bisexuality, 101 7099 7100 [An equal opportunity lover? Ed.] 7101% 7102I don't drink water; fish fuck in it. 7103 -- W.C. Fields 7104% 7105I don't give a shit what happens. I want you all to stonewall it. Let 7106them plead the Fifth Amendment, cover up, or anything else if it'll save 7107the plan. 7108 -- Richard Nixon 7109% 7110I don't know why women get so upset, they have half the 7111money and all the pussy. 7112 -- Gary Bussy, "DC Cab" 7113% 7114I don't love you, asshole, I love your daughter. 7115 -- The Undergraduate 7116% 7117I Don't Mind If You Lie to Me, As Long As I Ain't Lyin' Alone 7118I Wouldn't Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win 7119If You Leave Me, Walk Out Backwards So I'll Think You're Comin' In 7120Since You Learned to Lip-Sync, I'm At Your Disposal 7121My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was 7122 Breaking My Heart 7123Don't Cry, Little Darlin', You're Waterin' My Beer 7124Tennis Must Be Your Racket, 'Cause Love Means Nothin' to You 7125When You Say You Love Me, You're Full of Prunes, 'Cause Living 7126 With You Is the Pits 7127I Wanted Your Hand in Marriage but All I Got Was the Finger 7128 -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay" 7129% 7130"I don't really mind her being unfaithful," sighed the man to his 7131marriage counselor, "but I just can't sleep three in a bed." 7132% 7133I don't remember ever having had the itch, and yet scratching is 7134one of nature's sweet pleasures, and so handy. 7135% 7136I don't understand what all the fuss was about in Los Angeles. 7137It's not like we looted Brooks Brothers when Oliver North got off. 7138 -- P.J. O'Rourke 7139% 7140I don't want to say that she had big tits, but one day I asked her 7141 just how big they was, and she said, "7 and 7/8". 7142I said, "7 and 7/8?! What did you measure 'em with?" 7143And she replied, "A Stetson." 7144% 7145"I finally found out what my ranch foreman husband really meant," 7146sobbed the recent bride, "when he told me he'd love me 'til the 7147cows came home." 7148% 7149I grew up in an Italian family, you know, the strange thing about 7150Italians -- they're so Jewish. 7151 -- Kay Ballard 7152% 7153I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back... 7154boy, were they mad! 7155 -- Stephen Wright 7156% 7157I had a virgin once. I had to go to Florida for her. She was twelve 7158years old, blind in one eye, and carried a stuffed alligator labeled 7159"Made in Taiwan". 7160 -- The Stunt Man 7161% 7162I have a funny daddy 7163Who goes in and out with me 7164And everything that baby does 7165Daddy's sure to see, 7166And everything that baby says, 7167My daddy's sure to tell. 7168You _m_u_s_t have read my daddy's verse. 7169I hope he fries in Hell. 7170 -- Ogden Nash 7171% 7172"I have credit with this madam who runs a string of super callgirls," 7173the executive reminisced at his club bar, "but when I got the bill for 7174the great head session one of them pleasured me with, I must say that 7175it was enough to make a blown man cry." 7176% 7177I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable. 7178 -- Will Rogers 7179% 7180I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon. Come, let us 7181take our fill of love until the morning. 7182 -- Proverbs 7:17-18 7183% 7184I heard there was a lot of sex on television these days, 7185but when I tried it I kept falling off. 7186% 7187I knew Leo G. Carrol 7188Was over a barrel 7189When Tarantula took to the hills. ["Lick it!"] 7190And I really got hot 7191When I saw Jeanette Scott 7192Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills. 7193 7194Science fiction, double feature 7195Doctor X will build a creature. 7196See androids fighting Brad and Janet 7197Anne Francis stars in Forbidden Planet 7198Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh 7199At the late night, double feature, picture show. 7200 -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show 7201% 7202I know a Polack his name is Cliff, 7203Hey-la-de-la-de-la. 7204He sticks it in the freezer to get it stiff, 7205Hey-la-de-la-de-lo. 7206 7207I know a girl, her name is Serafina, 7208Hey-la-de-la-de-la. 7209She'll get down on all fours for a bowl of Purina, 7210Hey-la-de-la-de-lo. 7211 7212I know a girl, her name is Cuffy, 7213Hey-la-de-la-de-la. 7214She douches with Tide and makes her pubes fluffy, 7215Hey la-de-la-de-lo. 7216 -- Doctor Dirty 7217% 7218I know of a fortunate Hindu 7219Who is sought in the towns that he's been to 7220 By the ladies he knows, 7221 Who are thrilled to the toes 7222By the tricks that he makes his foreskin do. 7223% 7224I know what you're up to, you white-feathered fiend! 7225Go release your bowels on some lesser personage! 7226 -- W.C. Fields, upon seeing a bird overhead 7227% 7228I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire -- God wouldn't trust 7229an Englishman in the dark. 7230 -- Duncan Spaeth 7231% 7232I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me. 7233% 7234I married an Italian girl; the way you marry an Italian girl in my family 7235is to bring a New Yorker home first. 7236% 7237I may not be able to walk, but I drive from a sitting position. 7238% 7239I met a young man in Chungking 7240Who had a very long thing -- 7241 But you'll guess my surprise 7242 When I found that its size 7243Just measured a third-finger ring! 7244% 7245I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come 7246into my neighborhood after dark. 7247 -- Dick Gregory 7248% 7249I never did give anybody hell. I just told the truth and they thought 7250it was hell. 7251 -- Harry S. Truman 7252% 7253I never had Miss Defauw, 7254But it wouldn't have been quite so raw 7255 If she'd only said "No" 7256 When I wanted her so; 7257But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!" 7258% 7259I never met a woman I couldn't drink pretty. 7260% 7261I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket. 7262 -- Lyndon Baines Johnson 7263% 7264I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket. 7265 -- Lyndon Johnson 7266% 7267I once had the wife of a Dean 7268Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'. 7269 She remarked with some gaiety, 7270 "Not bad for the laiety, 7271Though the Bishop once managed thirteen." 7272% 7273I once met a lassie named Ruth 7274In a long distance telephone booth. 7275 Now I know the perfection 7276 Of an ideal connection 7277Even if somewhat uncouth. 7278% 7279I once was annoyed by a queer 7280Who made his intentions quite clear. 7281 Said I, "I'm no prude, 7282 So don't think me rude, 7283But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed." 7284% 7285I only date queers. 7286 -- Bisexuality, 101 7287 7288 [I'm not queer, but my boyfriend is! Ed.] 7289% 7290"I own my own body, but I share." 7291% 7292I played over the music of that scoundrel Brahms. What a giftless 7293bastard! It annoys me that this self-inflated mediocrity is hailed 7294as a genius. Why, in comparison with him, Riff is a genius. 7295 -- Tchaikovsky, October 9, 1886, diary entry 7296% 7297I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as 7298Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet 7299trucks. But to be brutally frank, women as a group have a long way to 7300go before they reach the level of intensity and dedication to sports 7301that enables men to be such incredible jerks about it. 7302 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" 7303% 7304I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of 7305oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate 7306commerce. 7307 -- J. Edgar Hoover 7308% 7309I shot a query into the net. 7310I haven't got an answer yet, A posted message called me rotten 7311But seven people gave me hell For ignoring mail I'd never gotten; 7312And said I ought to learn to spell; An angry message asked me, Please 7313 Don't send such drivel overseas; 7314A lawyer sent me private mail 7315And swore he'd slap my ass in jail -- One netter thought it was a hoax: 7316I'd mentioned Un*x in my gem "Hereafter, post to net dot jokes!"; 7317And failed to add the T and M; Another called my grammar vile 7318 And criticized my writing style. 7319Each day I scan each Subject line 7320In hopes the topic will be mine; 7321I shot a query into the net. 7322I haven't got an answer yet... 7323 -- Ed Nather 7324% 7325I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around 7326with his secretary. If it's somebody else's secretary, fine. 7327 -- Barry Goldwater 7328% 7329I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass. 7330 -- Barry Goldwater 7331% 7332I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell's ass. 7333 -- Senator Barry Goldwater, commenting on Jerry Falwell's 7334 suggestion that all good Christians should be against 7335 Sandra Day O'Connor's nomination to the Supreme Court 7336% 7337I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else 7338that has ever happened, and vice versa. 7339 -- Frank Zappa 7340% 7341I think the Mormon prophet 7342Was a very funny man. 7343I wonder how his wives enjoyed 7344His Prophet Sharing Plan. 7345% 7346I thought Jackie O. was something you did in the bathroom. 7347 -- Strange de Jim 7348% 7349I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about feces. What a lot we 7350had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized 7351dung of long-vanished animals. A miraculous thing, really; a recovery 7352from the past from what was carelessly rejected. And in the Middle 7353Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were 7354with the feces of animals. And what a variety of names they had for 7355them: the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of 7356an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets 7357of a Deer. Surely there might be some words for the material so near 7358to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit? 7359What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a 7360Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian, 7361the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties 7362of an Untenured Professor? 7363 -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels" 7364% 7365I want a girl that can swallow my pride. 7366 -- Frank Zappa, "Jewish Princess" 7367% 7368I want the same things all men do, Rice Krispies and some sucking. 7369 -- Dudley Moore 7370% 7371I was 15 years old before I found out that "damn yankee" was two words. 7372% 7373I was a cock-teaser at Rooster Rama. 7374I used to enrage the bantams before the big bouts. 7375 -- Firesign Theatre 7376% 7377I was having sex just the other night, but she hung up. 7378% 7379I was on vacation in Greece last summer, and was being driven round an island 7380by a Greek cab-driver. He was a friendly man, and as we drove, he told me 7381about various historic and scenic places he had been involved with. 7382 "See the entrance to that church over there? I built that with my 7383two sons. But do they call me `Dimitri the church builder'? Do they hell!" 7384 As we passed a dam, he said, "See that dam? Four of us built that 7385dam by ourselves! But do they call me `Dimitri the dam builder?' Hell, no!" 7386 As we passed a beautiful cottage, Dimitri started up again -- "See 7387that house? I built that for my wife with my own two hands! But do they 7388call me `Dimitri the home builder'? No! But just one little sheep!" 7389% 7390"I was plodding through the woods when suddenly a giant brown bear 7391grabbed me from behind and made me drop my gun. He picked it up 7392and stuck it in my back." 7393 "What did you do?" 7394 "What *could* I do? I married his daughter." 7395% 7396I went to a wild party last night. I tell ya, it was so wild, we played 7397a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one 7398of them had V.D. 7399 -- Rodney Dangerfield 7400% 7401I wish I was a fascinating lady 7402With a past that was cheap and a future that was shady 7403I'd sleep all day and I'd work all night 7404I'd live in a house with a little red light 7405And once a month I'd take a small vacation 7406And leave all the men to their imagination 7407And once in a while I'd go all wild 7408And have myself an illegitimate child 7409I wish I were a fascinating lady 7410Instead I'm the minister's child 7411% 7412I wish that my room had a floor; 7413I don't so much care for a door, 7414 But this walking around 7415 Without touching the ground 7416Is getting to be quite a bore! 7417 -- Gelett Burgess 7418% 7419I wonder what my wife will want tonight; 7420Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight? 7421 I wonder can she tell 7422 That I've been raising hell; 7423Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight? 7424 7425My wife is just as nice as can be, 7426I hope she doesn't feel too nice toward me. 7427 For an afternoon of joy, 7428 Is hell on the old boy, 7429I wonder what the wife will want tonight! 7430% 7431I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda, 7432I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder. 7433 She said it was crude 7434 To be wooed in the nude-- 7435I persued her, subdued her, and screwed her! 7436% 7437I would like to say, Mister Bunce, 7438I'm a great connoisseur of hot cunts. 7439 And in all my lewd life 7440 I've met none like your wife, 7441So why leave her to me, you big dunce? 7442% 7443I would like to suggest that you not use speed, and here's why: it is 7444going to mess up your heart, mess up your liver, your kidneys, rot out 7445your mind. In general this drug will make you just like your mother 7446and father. 7447 -- Frank Zappa 7448% 7449I wouldn't fuck her with your prick. 7450% 7451I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay dead that 7452scares the shit out of me. 7453 -- R. Geis 7454% 7455I'd like to give the world a hug 7456And tell it jokes and stuff 7457And pull its pants down to its knees 7458And chase it through the rough 7459 7460Then tie it up with bonds and straps 7461And search its purse for change 7462Then leave it out at Moose Grin Hall 7463With our cousin who's deranged ... 7464 -- National Lampoon, to an old Coke commercial 7465% 7466I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on 7467now. 7468% 7469"I'd like to start a new religion. One that doesn't use a dead young 7470man as its logo." 7471 -- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy" 7472% 7473I'd rather have fingers than toes, 7474I'd rather have ears than a nose, 7475 And a happy erection 7476 Brought just to perfection 7477Makes me terribly sad when it goes. 7478% 7479I'd walk a mile for a Camel, two for a hump. 7480% 7481If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair. If this doesn't 7482work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child. 7483% 7484If all these sweet young things were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be a 7485bit surprised. 7486 -- Dorothy Parker 7487% 7488"If anyone wants to trade a couple of centrally located, well-cushioned 7489showgirls for an eroded slope 90 minutes from Broadway, I'll be on this 7490corner tomorrow at 11 with my tongue hanging out." 7491 -- S. J. Perelman 7492% 7493If being bi increases your chance of getting a date, 7494does being poly increase your chance of getting dumped? 7495% 7496If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in 7497James Watt's office. 7498 -- Wayne Shannon, KRON-TV 7499% 7500If continence causes neurosis 7501And intercourse causes thrombosis 7502 I'd rather expire 7503 Fulfilling desire 7504Than live in a state of psychosis. 7505% 7506If girls are all sugar and spice, why do they taste like anchovies? 7507% 7508If God doesn't destroy San Francisco, 7509He should apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah. 7510% 7511If God had meant for Texans to ski he would have made bullshit white. 7512% 7513If God had meant for us to have group sex, he'd have given us more organs. 7514 -- Malcolm Bradbury 7515% 7516If God had wanted people to give blow 7517jobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth. 7518% 7519"If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 10 7520apostles." 7521% 7522If God hadn't intended man to eat pussy, 7523would He have made it look like a taco? 7524% 7525If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals? 7526% 7527If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound? 7528% 7529If I could reach, I'd never leave the house. 7530 -- George Carlin 7531% 7532If I had a penis I'd wear it outside, 7533In cafes and car lots, with pomp and with pride. 7534If I had a penis I'd pamper it proper 7535I'd stay in the tub and use me as the stopper. 7536If I had a penis I'd take it to parties 7537Stretch it and stroke it and shove it at smarties. 7538I'd take it to pet shows and teach it to stay. 7539I'd stuff it in turkeys on Thanksgiving Day. 7540 7541I'd rival my buddies in sportscars and stick shifts. 7542I'd shower my spire with girlies and gifts. 7543I'd peek around corners; I'd aim at my toilet; 7544I'd poke it at foreigners and soap it and oil it. 7545If I had a penis I'd run to my mother; 7546Comb out the hair and compare it to brother. 7547I'd lance her, I'd knight her, my hands would indulge... 7548Pants would seem tighter and buckle and bulge. 7549[Chorus] 7550 A penis to plunder, a penis to push 7551 'Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush. 7552 A penis to love me, a penis to share, 7553 To pick up and play with when nobody's there. 7554 -- Uncle Bonsai, "Penis Envy" 7555% 7556If it flies, floats or fucks, rent it, don't buy it. 7557 -- Tommy Earl Bruner 7558% 7559If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all. 7560 -- Rodney Dangerfield 7561% 7562If it's not one thing, it's a mother. 7563% 7564If Jesus Christ came to this town, people would say, great guy; terrible 7565carpenter. 7566 -- Gene Kirkwood, on Hollywood 7567% 7568If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot 7569to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think 7570the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* 7571pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get 7572lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets 7573lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa [ucbarpa.berkeley.edu] is down and 7574think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to receive 7575Net Mail ... 7576 -- Casey Leedom 7577% 7578If life's a piece of shit, Calculus III is the spoon. 7579% 7580If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament. 7581% 7582If men couldn't fuck there'd be a bounty on their heads. 7583% 7584If only is was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to 7585masturbate. 7586 -- Diogenes the Cynic 7587% 7588If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the country. 7589 -- Mel Brooks 7590% 7591If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question. 7592% 7593If sex is a pain in the ass, you may be doing it wrong. 7594% 7595If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would 7596suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is only 7597fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them in 1966, 7598only two went back to women. 7599 -- Mort Sahl 7600% 7601If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream 7602and never be our destiny. 7603 -- Ren'e de Visme Williamson 7604% 7605If they can't take a joke, then fuck 'em. 7606If they can, then fuck 'em. 7607% 7608If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out. 7609If thy dick offends thee, whack it off. 7610% 7611If women ran the military complex, would the missiles be shaped differently? 7612% 7613If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you 7614should join 7615 7616 THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF 7617 7618The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all who 7619don't allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs. In 7620addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the 7621following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as Church dogma: 7622 7623 -- That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which 7624 UFOs come. 7625 -- That pi equals precisely 3.000. 7626 -- That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals. 7627 -- That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared 7628 the circle. 7629 -- That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job. 7630 -- That pi equals precisely 22/7. 7631 7632Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being 7633studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were 7634done in a Hollywood special effects studio. These will be the subject 7635of a forthcoming Papal Bull ... 7636% 7637If you could get an erection, you would have no need for Emacs. 7638% 7639If you don't ride a camel to work, you ain't Sheeite. 7640% 7641If you find for your verse there's no call, 7642And you can't afford paper at all, 7643 For the true poet born, 7644 However forlorn, 7645There is always the lavat'ry wall. 7646% 7647If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish. 7648 -- Lenny Bruce 7649% 7650If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody 7651in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments. 7652% 7653If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try a different position. 7654% 7655If you were attacked by a homosexual, would you beat him off? 7656% 7657If your thesis is utterly vacuous, 7658Employ first-order predicate calculus. 7659 With sufficient formality, 7660 The sheerest banality, 7661Will be hailed by all as miraculous! 7662% 7663"If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a 7664buzz-saw." 7665 -- W. C. Fields 7666% 7667If you're Catholic you've only got two choices: periodic 7668abstinence and complete continence; (you know, rhythm and blues). 7669% 7670If you're going to break up with your old lady and you live in a small 7671town, make sure you don't break up at three in the morning. Because you're 7672screwed -- there's nothing to do ... So make it about nine in the morning, 7673... bullshit around, worry her a little, then come back at seven in the 7674night. 7675 -- Lenny Bruce 7676% 7677If you're gonna sleep with someone whose moral code may be written 7678in Fortran for all you know, at least make sure there's an existing 7679friendship of some sort to fall back on if things don't work out 7680like one or the other of you planned. 7681% 7682If you're really into astrology, tell me, what happens 7683when Mercury is in the Fish, and Jupiter enters the Virgin? 7684% 7685If you're speaking of actions immoral 7686The how about giving the laurel 7687 To doughty Queen Esther, 7688 No three men could best her -- 7689One fore, and one aft, and one oral. 7690% 7691Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion. 7692 -- Robert Burton 7693% 7694Il y a une jeune fille amoureuse 7695D'un homme qu'a une conduite honteuse; 7696 Il la mene chaque soir 7697 A son caveau noir 7698Et la bat avec plaintes crapuleuses. 7699 -- Edward Gorey 7700% 7701Il y avait un jeune homme de dijon, 7702Qui n'avait que peu de religion. 7703 Il dit:"quant a' moi, 7704 Je deteste tous les trois, 7705Le pere, et le fils, et le pigeon-" 7706% 7707Il y avait un plombier, Francois, 7708Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois. 7709 Dit-elle, "Arretez! 7710 J'entends quelqu'un venait." 7711Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi." 7712% 7713Il y avait une madame de Lahore 7714Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure, 7715 Mais la vagine tres forte, 7716 Toujours ouverte la porte, 7717Encore, et encore, et encore. 7718% 7719"I'll tell ya, Jeb," Wilbur said to his friend, "the tractor business ain't 7720doin' too well. I ain't sold one all month. 7721 "You think you've got problems?" Jeb replied. "The other day, I went 7722out to milk Daisy, when she swatted me in the face with her tail, like she 7723always does. So I took some twine and tied it to the rafters. When I sat 7724down again, she kicked me like she always does. So I tied her leg to the 7725side of the stall. When I started to sit down again, I could see her taking 7726aim with her other leg, so I tied it to the other side of the stall. And I'll 7727tell you what," he continued with a sigh, "if you can convince my wife I was 7728gonna *milk* that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!" 7729% 7730I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year. 7731 -- Rodney Dangerfield 7732% 7733I'm a gay man trapped in a lesbian's body! 7734 -- The Queer Gospels of Madonna the Sloppily Conceived 7735% 7736I'm a lover not a dancer! 7737I'm a lover not a dancer! 7738Don't want to be on my feet, 7739When I can be on my back, 7740Don't want to be on the floor, 7741When I can be in the sack! 7742I'm a lover not a dancer! 7743I'm a lover not a dancer! 7744I'm just a little bit tired 7745If you know what I mean, 7746Don't want to be in a crowd 7747When I can be in a dream! 7748I'm a lover not a dancer! 7749Baby! 7750And, baby, let me prove it to you, 7751Baby, let me prove it to you! 7752 -- Jim Steinman, "Dance in my Pants" 7753% 7754I'm against group sex because I wouldn't know where to put my elbows. 7755 -- Martin Cruz Smith 7756% 7757I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say 7758"I've just had a good war." 7759 -- Mae West 7760% 7761I'm glad we don't have to play in the shade. 7762 -- Golfer Bobby Jones on being told that it was 105 degrees 7763 in the shade. 7764 7765Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is 7766dropped. 7767 -- Franklyn Ajaye 7768% 7769I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, 7770it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French 7771government -- I'd give it all up for one erection. 7772 -- Groucho Marx 7773% 7774I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. Eddie Cantor's 7775goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is Jewish. Marine Corps 7776-- heavy goyish, dangerous. Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are 7777goyish. Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. 7778Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. Macaroons are 7779very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is goyish. Lime soda is 7780very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that Jews won't go near them. 7781 -- Lenny Bruce 7782% 7783I'm never through with a girl until I've had her three ways. 7784 -- J.F. Kennedy 7785% 7786I'm not a pheasant plucker, 7787I'm a pheasant plucker's son. 7788I'm just a'plucking pheasants 7789'Til the pheasant plucker comes. 7790 -- The Irish Rovers 7791% 7792"I'm not against women. Not often enough, anyway." 7793 -- NPR 7794% 7795I'm not laughing behind your back; everything funny is in front! 7796 -- Rodney Dangerfield's wife 7797% 7798I'm So Miserable Without You It's Almost Like Having You Here 7799 -- Song title by Stephen Bishop. 7800 7801She Got the Gold Mine, I Got the Shaft 7802 -- Song title by Jerry Reed. 7803 7804When My Love Comes Back from the Ladies' Room Will I Be Too Old to Care? 7805 -- Song title by Lewis Grizzard. 7806 7807I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling 7808 -- Unattributed song title. 7809 7810Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goal Posts of Life 7811 -- Unattributed song title. 7812% 7813I'm sorry I'm late folks, I just got out of jail. I tried to change my 7814girlfriend's name. Yeah, I went down to the hall of records. I said, "I'd 7815like to change it... I'd like to change it to... LYING LITTLE BITCH!" 7816 -- Sam Kinison 7817% 7818I'm unbuttoning your shirt, unzipping your jeans.... 7819 7820Oh, I can feel your fingers on the keys, baby, 7821 I'm getting WARM.... 7822 7823I am getting there, oh yes,. Oh, my. OH YES... OHHHH! 7824 ...!!!rrrrrgh!!!!! 7825 7826Honey, that was *really* terrific, but, next time, 7827couldn't you please input a little SLOWER? 7828% 7829Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable. 7830Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table. 7831David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel, 7832And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as schloshed as Schlegel. 7833There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya 'bout the raising of the wrist. 7834Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed! 7835 7836John Stuart Mill, of his own free will, 7837On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill. 7838Plato, they say, could stick it away, half a crate of whiskey every day. 7839Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle, 7840Hobbes was fond of his dram, 7841And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am". 7842Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed; 7843A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed! 7844 -- Monty Python, "The Philosopher's Drinking Song" 7845% 7846impotent loser, n: 7847 Someone who can't even get his hopes up. 7848% 7849In 1953, Stalin dies. The politburo holds a special meeting to decide 7850what to do about the body. Nobody will let it be buried near their home. 7851Finally they decide: 7852 "Aha! Call Israel! Offer them ten million rubels; they'll let us 7853bury Stalin in Israel! Off goes the message and the politburo waits... 7854Finally a telegram comes back: 7855 "NO CHANCE STOP ONE RESURRECTION HERE ALREADY" 7856% 7857In a recent survey on why some men are homosexual, 82 percent of the gay 7858chaps responding said that either genetics or home environment was the 7859principal factor. The remaining 18 percent revealed that they had been 7860sucked into it. 7861% 7862In bed Dr. Oscar McPugh 7863Spoke of Spengler -- and ate crackers too. 7864 His wife said, "Oh, stuff 7865 That philosophy guff 7866Up your ass, dear, and throw me a screw!" 7867% 7868"In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with 7869reality at any point." 7870 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 7871% 7872In cosmetics, there's cases of revolutionary Venus Envy Hair Spray; 7873Legette Hair Fastener Heat Bags; Lady O' Spain Self-Blinding Eye Shadow 7874with Magic Puncture Pencil; Sanitary Napkin Rings in Little Miss, Moon 7875Maid and Stuck Pig Strength; and deported Italian Napagel Balls for 7876soaking or eating; and they're all slash-priced with the lady in mind... 7877 -- Firesign Theatre 7878% 7879In days of old, when knights were bold, 7880 And rubbers weren't invented, 7881They tied their socks around their cocks 7882 And babies were prevented. 7883% 7884In Duluth there's a hostess, forsooth, 7885Who doesn't know gin from vermouth, 7886 But this lubricant lapse 7887 Isn't noticed, perhaps 7888Because nobody does in Duluth. 7889% 7890In France they piss on Main Street 7891(In pissoirs, Mama, not cheap display). 7892 -- Joni Mitchell 7893% 7894In light of the New Morality, Playboy Inc. is offering a new version of 7895its magazine, for married men. Every month it has the same centerfold. 7896% 7897In my sweet little Alice Blue gown 7898Was the first time I ever laid down, 7899 I was both proud and shy 7900 As he opened his fly 7901And the moment I saw it I thought I would die. 7902 7903Oh it hung almost down to the ground, 7904As it went in I made not a sound, 7905 The more that he shoved it 7906 The more that I loved it, 7907As he came on my Alice Blue gown. 7908% 7909In my sweet little night gown of blue, 7910On the first night that I slept with you, 7911 I was both shy and scared 7912 As the bed was prepared, 7913And you played peekaboo with my ribbons of blue. 7914 7915As we both watched the break of day, 7916And in peaceful submission I lay, 7917 You said you adored it 7918 But dammit, you tore it, 7919My sweet little night gown of blue. 7920% 7921In outer space, nobody can hear you fart. 7922% 7923In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless 7924he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client 7925has not spoken with Roberts for several years. Off the record, God has stated 7926that "If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time 7927ago." 7928 -- Dennis Miller, SNL News 7929% 7930In the Garden of Eden sat Adam, 7931Massaging the bust of his madam, 7932 He chuckled with mirth, 7933 For he knew that on earth, 7934There were only two boobs and he had 'em. 7935% 7936In the romantic days of Warsaw, Viennese whores were known for their 7937beauty and delicacy. A gallant officer picked up one such lady of the 7938evening, who took him to her apartment. They made delicious love all 7939evening before drifting to sleep in each others' arms. In the morning 7940the man dressed, staring into a full-length mirror. The lady lay in her 7941bed watching him. Finally, she said softly, 7942 "Didn't you forget something?" 7943 "What did I forget?" asked the officer. 7944 "You forgot about the money," said the lady. 7945 "Oh, no," said the man, standing at ramrod attention. 7946"A Polish officer never accepts money." 7947% 7948In the shade of the old apple tree 7949Where between her fat legs I could see 7950 A little brown spot 7951 With the hair in a knot, 7952And it certainly looked good to me. 7953 7954I asked as I tickled her tit 7955If she thought that my big thing would fit. 7956 She said it would do 7957 So we had a good screw In the shade of the old apple tree 7958In the shade of the old apple tree. I got all that was coming to me. 7959 In the soft dewy grass 7960I could hear the dull buzz of the bee I had a fine piece of ass 7961As he sunk his grub hooks into me. From a maiden that was fine to see. 7962 Her ass it was fine 7963 But you should have seen mine 7964In the shade of the old apple tree. 7965% 7966In the stands here I see a young couple who must be in love -- they're 7967kissing on every pitch. He's kissing her on the strikes, and she's 7968kissing him on the balls. 7969 -- Harry Caray, a Chicago sportscaster 7970% 7971Incest, n.: 7972 Sibling revelry. 7973% 7974Incest, n: 7975 Sibling revelry; a sport the whole family can enjoy. 7976% 7977Infatuation, n: 7978 When you're in love, there's a lump in your throat. 7979 When you're infatuated, there's a lump in your pants. 7980% 7981Inspite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe 7982is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit. 7983% 7984==================== 7985Inter-Dwarf Memo 7986To: Dwarf-list 7987From: Doc 7988Re: S. White 7989 7990 If that bitch cleans one more thermometer with Ajax, I'm gonna kill 7991her. I'll give her apples, nice big apples. With surprises inside. Yeah, 7992surprises. 7993% 7994==================== 7995Inter-Dwarf Memo 7996To: Dwarf-list 7997From: Happy 7998Re: S. White 7999 8000 Let it be noted that if she whistles that goddamned song one 8001more time I'm gonna rip her fuckin' lips off. Have a nice day. 8002% 8003"Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time 8004someone writes `bible thumpers?'" 8005 -- Joel M. Snyder, jms@mis.arizona.edu 8006% 8007Israeli prime minister Shamir invited the Pope to play a round of golf. Since 8008the Pope hadn't the faintest of an idea how to play, he convened the college of 8009cardinals to ask their advice. "Call Arnold Palmer," they suggested, "make him 8010a cardinal and let him play in your place. Tell Shamir you couldn't make it." 8011 Honored by His Holiness' request, Palmer agreed to represent him. 8012When he returned from the match, the Pope asked him how he had done. "I came 8013in second," Palmer replied. 8014 "You mean to tell me Shamir beat you?" 8015 "No, Your Holiness. Rabbi Nicklaus did." 8016% 8017It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be 8018classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck". 8019% 8020It is better to have a positive Wasserman than never to have loved at all. 8021% 8022It is better to have Uranus in Cancer than to have Cancer in Uranus. 8023% 8024It is considered normal to consecrate virginity in the 8025general and lust for its destruction in the particular. 8026% 8027It is far better to sleep with an old hen than pullet. 8028% 8029It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury. 8030Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other 8031half are doing it. 8032 -- Winston Churchill 8033% 8034It is not wise to make love more than once in the morning. 8035You never know who you'll meet later in the day. 8036% 8037It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that 8038could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered, 8039broad-hipped, and short-legged race. 8040 -- Schopenhauer 8041% 8042It is recounted that at King's College in the Strand around the time of the 8043war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds by 8044teaching "a singularly important principle of medicine." He asked a nurse 8045to fetch him a sample of urine. He then talked at length about Diabetes 8046mellitus. "Diabetes," he said, "is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that 8047the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which 8048means sweet as honey. Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine 8049of a diabetic ..." 8050 By now the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which the 8051registrar promptly held up like a trophy. We stared at that straw-colored 8052fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before. The registrar then 8053startled us. He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his 8054finger with the tip of his tongue. As if tasting wine, he opened and closed 8055his lips rapidly. Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar? The sample 8056was passed on to us for an opinion. We all dipped a finger into the fluid, 8057all of us foolishly licked that finger. 8058 "Now," said the Registrar grinning, "You have learnt the first 8059principle of diagnosis. I mean the power of observation." We were baffled. 8060We stood near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the distance, some 8061anonymous patient was explosively coughing. "You see," the registrar said 8062continuing triumphantly, "I dipped my MIDDLE finger into the urine, but 8063licked my INDEX finger -- not like all you chaps. 8064% 8065It is very difficult to look at the possibility of lesbian sheep because 8066if you are a female sheep, what you do to solicit sex is to stand still. 8067Maybe there is a female sheep out there really wanting another female, 8068but there's just no way for us to know it. 8069 -- Anne Perkins, in her study of sexuality in sheep. 8070% 8071It may not be funny, but it's damned amusing! 8072% 8073It must be admitted that we English have sex on the brain, which is a 8074very unfortunate place to have it. 8075 -- Malcolm Muggeridge 8076% 8077"It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then 8078god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side." 8079 -- Frank Zappa 8080% 8081It seems that a rabbi, a priest and a minister decided to go fishing one 8082sunny afternoon. All three climbed into the boat and headed for the middle 8083of the lake. After several hours of relaxation, the minister decided that 8084"nature was calling", and climbed out of the boat and walked ashore. In 8085a few moments, he walked back out to the boat and climbed back in. 8086 The rabbi was absolutely astonished, but decided not to mention 8087the apparent miracle. 8088 A few minutes later, the priest also decided to go ashore for a 8089moment, and climbed out of the boat, walked to shore, and a few minutes 8090later came back. 8091 By now the rabbi was in great distress and had begun to doubt his 8092beliefs and wonder if there might be some validity to the Christian 8093teachings. But he immediately reaffirmed the fact that his faith WAS JUST 8094AS STRONG as either the priest's or the minister's and decided that anything 8095they could do, with God's help, he could do as well. 8096 The rabbi then announced that he needed relief and would walk to 8097shore. He climbed out of the boat and went straight to the bottom of the 8098lake. While the rabbi was thrashing about in the water, the priest turned to 8099the minister and said, "So... do you think we ought to tell him where the 8100rocks are?" 8101% 8102It seems that a Scotsman and an Irishman walked into a bar. The Scot 8103immediately singled out the bartender and proclaimed that drinks were 8104on the house, and that he expected him to serve only his best. The next 8105day, the headlines read: Irish Ventriloquist Beaten to Death Behind Bar. 8106% 8107It seems that John gets this phone call: 8108 "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end of the line 8109is hard and cold. 8110 "This is Susan," he hears. "We met at a party a few months 8111ago. 8112 "Of course, Susan!", John replies. "How are you?" 8113 "Not very well. Remember how after the party you took me home and 8114we parked? And you told me that I was a 'good sport'? Well, I'm pregnant 8115and I'm going to kill myself tonight." 8116 John is silent for a few moments, collecting his thoughts. "Well," 8117he finally replies, "you sure *are* a good sport." 8118% 8119It seems that there was this Christian about to be thrown to the lions. He 8120was shoved into the middle of the arena and the lion was released. Being 8121a good Christian, as the lion approached he knelt and prayed, asking God for 8122forgiveness for his (few) sins, and begging that the lion might be dissuaded 8123from eating him for its breakfast. Much to his dismay, the lion didn't stop 8124but kept coming, getting faster and faster, now almost running, so the 8125Christian took off too. There they were, running around and around the arena, 8126the lion getting closer and the Christian praying harder and harder between 8127gasps for breath. The lions breath was now hot upon his heels and he could 8128even feel droplets of the lions saliva splashing on his bare feet. So he 8129pulled out all the stops, promising God that if the lion will only spare him, 8130he will devote the rest of his life to spreading the Christian faith, 8131forsaking all temptation and possessions. Suddenly he no longer felt the 8132lions breath, no longer heard the great beast's snarls close behind him. 8133Slowing to a stop, he turned around and saw the lion on its knees, eyes rolled 8134upward, paws held together. The lion appeared to be muttering something so 8135the Christian approached until he could make out what the lion was saying. 8136 "Dear Lord, for what I am about to receive..." 8137% 8138It takes a brave man to admit his mistakes. 8139Especially in a paternity hearing. 8140% 8141It takes leather balls to play rugby. 8142 (Blood makes the grass grow!) 8143% 8144It takes little strain and no art 8145To bang out an echoing fart. 8146 The reaction is hearty 8147 When you fart at a party, 8148But the sensitive persons depart. 8149% 8150It used to be a man's world, and the woman's place was in the home. 8151They can kiss that shit goodbye. 8152% 8153It was a female that drove me to drink 8154and I didn't even have the kindness to thank her. 8155 -- R.E. Baber 8156% 8157"It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The 8158Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital 8159lies." 8160 -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way" 8161% 8162It was a warm, sunny Sunday, and a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo. 8163They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and 8164the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife. "That gorilla is getting 8165excited just looking at your tits," he said. "Why don't you take your blouse 8166off and we'll see what he does?" 8167 At first she refused. But finally persuaded by her husband, she took 8168off her blouse and bra. The gorilla went nuts. He started grunting and 8169jumping up and down. 8170 "Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind. Take off all 8171your clothes and we'll see what he does." 8172 Again she said no and again he persuaded her. This time the ape 8173really went bananas! He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around 8174in circles and tossed his food all over the cage. The husband went over to 8175the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in. 8176 "Now," said the husband, "tell that motherfucker you have a headache!" 8177% 8178It was almost closing time when a male patron who had been getting the 8179frosty treatment from a girl at the end of the bar called to the 8180bartender and said, "Give that bitchy douche bag over there one on me." 8181 "We discourage that sort of language here, sir," the bartender 8182answered sternly. 8183 "OK, OK. Serve the lady a cocktail with my compliments." 8184 The bartender approached the female in question. "The, uh, gentleman 8185at the other end of the bar would like to buy you a drink, miss. What would 8186you like?" 8187 "Vinegar and water." 8188% 8189It was April the 41st, 8190Being a quadruple leap year. 8191I was driving in down-town Atlantis. 8192My Barracuda was in the shop, 8193So I was in a rented stingray 8194 -- and it was over-heating. 8195So, I pulled into a Shell station. 8196They said I'd blown a seal. 8197I said "Fix the damned thing and leave my private 8198 life out of it, okay pal?" 8199 -- Wet Dreams 8200% 8201It was at the eighth annual mouse convention and mice from near and far had 8202gathered for the ball. A pretty little female mouse waltzed by the stag 8203line and one of the males whistled a low, dirty whistle to himself. 8204Turning to another mouse he said, "Look at the legs on that bitch, aren't 8205they beautiful?" 8206 "Just fair," was the answer. 8207 "You're crazy," said the first mouse and then turning to another, 8208asked his opinion. 8209 "They're nice," said the third mouse, "but nothing to get excited 8210about." 8211 "Some mice have no appreciation," exclaimed the first mouse. "Now 8212you," he said to a fourth mouse, "what did you think?" 8213 "To tell you the truth," was the reply, "I'm no authority on legs; 8214I'm a tit mouse myself." 8215% 8216It was her wedding night, and the sweet young thing was in a romantic haze. 8217"Oh, darling," she sighed, "We're married at last. It's all like a wonderful 8218dream!" 8219 Her husband didn't answer. A few moments passed. She sighed again 8220and said, "I'm afraid I'll awake in a moment and find it isn't true." 8221 Still no response from her spouse. Another pause and another 8222sensuous sigh, then, softly, "I just can't believe that I'm really your 8223wife." 8224 "Damn it," growled her mate, "as soon as I get this shoelace untied, 8225you will!" 8226% 8227It was his third marriage and her fourth. He was quite surprised when on 8228their honeymoon she pleaded, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." 8229 "Darling, what do you mean you're still a virgin? You've been 8230married three times." 8231 "Yes, but they all worked for DEC. The first was a salesman, 8232and all he ever did was promise how good it would be. The second was one 8233of their software hacks, he told me to take care of it myself. And the 8234third was a field service representative, and he kept promising that it 8235would be up in 15 minutes. 8236% 8237It was New Year's Eve and the house was brightly decorated with holiday 8238trappings. The only sound that broke the quiet was the click of Grandma's 8239knitting needles. The children; Jane, eight and Mary, five, were seated 8240in front of a cheerily burning fire, leafing through a picture book. 8241Tiring of this, they went over to Grandma's rocker. Jane climbed up on 8242the arm of the chair and Mary snuggled into Grandma's cozy lap. 8243 "Tell us a story," begged Mary. 8244 "Oh," said the old lady, laying aside her knitting and wrapping 8245her arms around the children. "What story should I tell you?" 8246 "Tell us our favorite story," whispered little Jane eagerly. 8247"About the time you were a hooker in Chicago." 8248% 8249It was on the tip of my tongue to tell them about the deer, but I ended up 8250not doing it. That was one thing I kept to myself. I've never spoken or 8251written of it until just now, today. And I have to tell you that it seems 8252a lesser thing written down, damn near inconsequential. But for me it was 8253the best part of that trip, the cleanest part, and it was a moment I found 8254myself returning to, almost helplessly, when there was trouble in my life -- 8255my first day in the bush in Vietnam, and this fellow walked into the clearing 8256where we were with his hand over his nose and when he took his hand away there 8257was no nose there because it had been shot off; the time the doctor told us 8258our youngest son might be hydrocephalic (he turned out just to have an 8259oversized head, thank God); the long crazy weeks before my mother died. I 8260would find my thoughts turning back to that morning, the scuffed suede of 8261her ears, the white flash of her tail. But eight hundred million Red Chinese 8262don't give a shit, right? The most important things are the hardest to say, 8263because words diminish them. It's hard to make strangers care about the 8264good things in your life. 8265 -- Stephen King, "The Body" 8266% 8267It was the first day of a new term at Princeton, and a Texas A&M freshman 8268was learning his way around the campus. Stopping a distinguished looking 8269upperclassman, he inquired, 8270 "Say, buddy, can you tell me where the library is at?" 8271 "My good fellow," came the reply, "at Princeton we do not end our 8272sentences with a preposition." 8273 "All right," said the freshman, "can you tell me where the library 8274is at, asshole?" 8275% 8276It was this guy's first day in the penitentiary; he was in a cell with a 8277huge burley inmate, and he was pretty nervous. At lights-out, the inmate 8278jumped out of his bunk, and, turning to our hero, said, "We're going to 8279have sex! You want to be the Mommy or the Daddy?" 8280 A very terrified hero managed to squeak out, "Uh, well, uh, I guess 8281I'll be the Daddy." 8282 "OK," smiled his roommate, "get down here and suck your Momma's dick!" 8283% 8284It's a bit hard to bullshit the ocean. It's not listening, you know 8285what I mean. 8286 -- David Crosby 8287% 8288It's a bitch being butch. 8289% 8290It's a funny thing that when a woman hasn't got anything 8291on earth to worry about, she goes off and gets married. 8292% 8293It's a question of Napleon brandy versus Ripple. 8294I am mellow and amber and I go down real smooth. 8295 -- Rita Moreno, commenting in Newsweek on the sex appeal 8296 of older women versus younger women 8297% 8298"It's always the same," the girl sighed to her roommate after returning 8299in the wee, small hours. "Afterward, I feel so compromised, so cheap, so 8300soiled... so absolutely wonderful from head to toe!" 8301% 8302It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up. 8303 -- Joan Rivers 8304% 8305It's better to be pissed off than pissed on. 8306% 8307It's hard to keep a good girl down -- but lots of fun trying. 8308% 8309It's midnight. The old man is awake, nervously pacing the floor, as his 831020-year-old son comes in. 8311 8312 "Whatta you mean? You staya out alla night, you runna around widda 8313bums. Whatta you trying to do?" 8314 "Papa, don't talk like that," replies the boy. 8315 "Who-a you, tella me notta talka like that? You no work, you 8316chase-a bad women, whatta become of you?" 8317 "Papa, *please* don't talk like that." 8318 "Don'ta talka like that? Whatta you mean? Why shouldn't I talka 8319likka that?" 8320 "Papa, we're not Italian." 8321% 8322It's not a sin not to be Irish, but it is a great shame. 8323 -- Sean O'Huiginn 8324% 8325It's not pretty being easy. 8326% 8327It's not the ups and downs of love, it's the ins and outs. 8328% 8329It's so fuckin' great to be alive! 8330% 8331It's the sighs that count. 8332% 8333I've been feeling kind of jealous, 8334Of all them well-hung fellas, 8335Like Michael, Rod, and Mick. It would have to be a big one, 8336Tell me, Doctor can you mend me? A giant, horny love gun, 8337I've a case of penis envy -- To let me be a jock. 8338If I only had a dick. Girls would never beg my pardon, 8339 They would turn on to my hardon -- 8340 If I only had a cock. 8341Oh, I can tell you now, 8342The number of times I'd score, 8343I could fuck girls like I would not be just a housewife, 8344 I never have before, Living a little mouse-life 8345And then I'd cum (wee!) In days that drag out long. 8346And fuck some more! I would dance and I'd be merry 8347 Life would be a ding-a-derry 8348 If I only had a dong! 8349 -- to "If I Only Had A Brain", The Wizard of Oz 8350% 8351I've been told that it's far more sensuous to have a woman leave something 8352on rather than being totally nude. Myself, I've always felt that the lights 8353were more than enough. 8354% 8355I've been watching you closely to see if you have been good this year; 8356and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me 8357to leave under your tree on Christmas. I was going to bring you all the 8358gifts from the twelve days of Christmas, but we had a little problem up here. 8359The twelve fiddlers fiddling have all come down with V.D. from fiddling with 8360the ten ladies dancing, the eleven lords-a-leaping have knocked up the eight 8361maids-a-milking, and the nine pipers piping have been arrested for doing 8362weird things to the seven swans-a-swimming and the six geese-a-laying. The 8363four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and the partridge 8364in the pear tree have me up to my ass in birdshit. On top of all this, Mrs. 8365Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves 8366have joined gay liberation, and those dumb ass Polacks have scheduled 8367Christmas for the fifth of February. I'll do what I can. 8368 Sincerely, 8369 Santa 8370% 8371I've finally found the perfect girl, 8372I couldn't ask for more, 8373She's deaf and dumb and over-sexed, 8374And owns a liquor store. 8375% 8376I've got Hubert's pecker in my pocket. 8377 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 8378 8379Don't see 'em this big out here, do they? 8380 -- Lyndon B. Johnson, exposing himself to reporters in a 8381 public toilet during a tour of the Far East 8382% 8383"I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to 8384watch him have another." 8385% 8386Jack an Jill went up the hill. 8387Jill went down, 8388Jack came. 8389% 8390Jack and Jill went up a hill 8391To fetch a pail of water. 8392Jack fell down and broke his crown Jack on Jill produced a thrill 8393And Jill came tumbling after. When on the ground he got her, 8394 Then went down and told the town 8395 He tumbled Jill and gaffed her. 8396Jack to Jill thus did such ill 8397That Jill, to pay the rotter, 8398Told the town Jack's crown broke down Jack and Jill have split the bill 8399When he set out to shaft her. Since Jack led Jill to totter. 8400 Half the town deals Jill a frown 8401 And half greets Jack with laughter. 8402% 8403Jack and Jill went up the hill 8404Each had a buck and a quarter. 8405Jill came down with two and a half -- 8406And you thought that they went for water. 8407% 8408Jack and Jill 8409Went up the hill, 8410Each had a buck and a quarter! 8411Jill came down, 8412With two and a half, 8413You think they went for water? 8414% 8415Jack be nimble, Jack be quick. 8416Jack jumped over the candle stick, 8417And burnt his balls. 8418% 8419Jack be nimble, Jack be quick, 8420Jack jumped over the candle stick. 8421But Jack wasn't so nimble, 8422Jack wasn't so quick, 8423So Jack's in the hospital, with a burned up dick! 8424% 8425Jehovah is an alien and still threatens this planet! 8426% 8427Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth his time. 8428% 8429Jesus has just stopped the crowd from stoning Mary Magdalene to death 8430and is berating the self-pious with the famous speech, "Let the one 8431among you who is without sin cast the first stone..." 8432 Right about then, a rock comes winging through the air and hits 8433Jesus upside the head. He whirls around and shouts "Alright, Mom, c'mon! 8434I'm trying to make a point, here!" 8435% 8436Jesus loves you, but everybody else thinks you're a dork. 8437% 8438Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin. 8439 -- Michael O'Donohugh 8440% 8441Jesus Never Fails 8442 8443(He's never taken the Massachusetts Bar Exam, either.) 8444% 8445"Jesus saves... but Gretzky gets the rebound!" 8446 -- Daniel Hinojosa 8447% 8448Jesus Saves! 8449 8450(And Esposito scores on the rebound!) 8451% 8452Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority. 8453% 8454Jews always know two things: suffering and where to find great Chinese food. 8455 -- From the movie "My Favorite Year". 8456% 8457Jimmy Carter, Ted Kennedy, Gary Hart, Joseph Biden and Michael Dukakis were 8458on a cruise down the Potomac when the ship struck a rock and began to sink. 8459 "Gentlemen," Carter said, "as good Christians, we should let the 8460women and children aboard the lifeboats first." 8461 "Fuck the women!" Kennedy shouted. 8462 "Do we have time?" Hart asked. 8463 "Do we have time?" Biden asked. 8464 "Did everyone hear that?" Dukakis asked. 8465% 8466Joan of Arc is alive and medium well. 8467% 8468John Birch Society -- that pathetic manifestation of organized 8469apoplexy. 8470 -- Edward P. Morgan 8471% 8472John Paul II is famous for his touring, and his quaint habit of pressing 8473his lips to foreign soil on his arrival. This sparked some wit to remark: 8474 "The Pope has it backwards: he kisses the ground, and walks on 8475the women!" 8476% 8477Johnny Carson's Observation on Geriatrics: 8478 Sex in the sixties is great, but it improves if you pull 8479 over to the side of the road. 8480% 8481Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of 8482blue denim. If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys 8483like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim. I don't enjoy the sky 8484or sea as much as I used to because of this Levi character. If Jesus Christ 8485came back today, He and I would get into our brown corduroys and go to the 8486nearest jean store and overturn the racks of blue denim. Then we'd get 8487crucified in the morning. 8488 -- Ian Anderson, of Jethro Tull 8489% 8490Kansas, where the men are men, the sheep 8491are scared and the women are grateful. 8492% 8493Kasha, n.: 8494 Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only 8495one problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat 8496groats"? *_I* know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't 8497help *___you* much. 8498 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 8499% 8500Kill a commie for Christ! 8501% 8502King Louis gave a lesson in class, 8503One time while enjoying a lass. 8504 When she used the word "Damn" 8505 He rebuked her: "Please ma'am, 8506Keep a more civil tongue in my ass." 8507% 8508Kissing, petting, and even intercourse are all right as long as they are 8509sincere. I have never given a kiss in my life that wasn't sincere. As 8510for intercourse, I'd say three times a day was about right. 8511 -- Margaret Sangor 8512% 8513Kitten with a whip, Teddy bear in chains, Puss in leather boots, 8514tail, swish swish, spread on a bed; rising thigh high; 8515take what you will, fantasy games, black rubber suits; 8516get what you wish. deep in your head. making him cry. 8517 8518Squirm from the blows, Now pussy's all hot, Teddy bear sighs; 8519writhe from the pain; from the power trip; kitty's on top; 8520but teddy bear knows, ready or not, there's fire in her eyes, 8521that he wants it again. next swing's from and the cat won't stop. 8522 the hip. 8523 8524The world explodes, Teddy's still tied; Kitten with a whip, 8525her claws dig in; lying all alone; tail, swish swish, 8526then kitty cat goes, even if he tried, take what you will, 8527cause she's through he couldn't go home. get what you wish. 8528 with him. 8529 -- Kitten With A Whip 8530% 8531Knowledge Engineering: 8532 8533A combination of: 8534 8535Engineering, n: 8536 The application of science and mathematics by which the properties 8537of matter and the sources of energy in nature are made useful to man in 8538structures, machines, products, systems and processes. 8539 8540and 8541 8542Knowledge, n: 8543 Sexual intercourse. 8544 8545See also: Prostitution, Grantsmanship. 8546% 8547Konrad Lorenz, the great animal behaviorist, was scrupulous about cultivating 8548fruitful confusion. Lorenz lived among his research subjects: dozens of 8549species of mammals, birds, reptiles, and fishes. He did not quantify, control, 8550or consciously experiment. He got to know each creature individually, then 8551threw them together, watching for the unexpected, the unusual, or the bizarre 8552in the chaos that followed. For example, his interest in one of ethology's 8553most important concepts, that of intention movements (motions with meaning, 8554such as the head bobbing in birds that serves as an alarm signal before 8555flight), derived from an inadvertent experiment. He had trained a free-flying 8556raven to eat raw meat from his hand and had been feeding the bird for several 8557hours one day. He would reach into his pants pocket and take out a piece of 8558meat, and the raven would swoop down to grab it in its bill. By and by, Lorenz 8559went to relieve himself near a hedge. When the raven saw him put his hand 8560into his pants and pull out another morsel of meat, it swooped down, hungrily 8561grasping the new mouthful in its bill. Lorenz howled in pain. But the event 8562left a deep impression on him -- about how faithfully animals respond to 8563intention movements, that is. 8564 -- The Sciences, May/June, 1988, N.Y. Academy of Science. 8565% 8566Kotex, n: 8567 Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best. 8568% 8569Kumquat, n: 8570 Any of several small citrus fruits with sweet spongy rind and 8571 somewhat acidic pulp that are used chiefly for preserves. 8572 Extremely popular in some forms of sexual intercourse. In fact, 8573 an early indication that your partner is willing to experiment 8574 sexually may be a rather insistent moaning of "kumquat, kumquat" 8575 during orgasm. 8576 8577 Note: this is *not* to be confused with a warning from your 8578 partner that his/her parents are upstairs and probably awake. 8579% 8580Labia majora, n: 8581 The curly gates. 8582% 8583Lady to Golf Pro: "I was stung by bees on your golf course!" 8584Pro: "Ummm, well, where?" 8585Lady: "Between the 1st and 2nd holes." 8586Pro: "That's going to real tough to treat." 8587% 8588lagnaf, n: 8589 Let's All Get Naked And Fuck! 8590% 8591Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture, 8592all will end as doves. 8593% 8594Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone. 8595% 8596"Last night," said a lassie named Ruth, 8597"In a long-distance telephone booth, 8598 I enjoyed the perfection 8599 Of an ideal connection -- 8600I was screwed, if you must know the truth." 8601% 8602Last week I saw a girl in a sweater so tight I could hardly breathe. 8603% 8604lawyer, n: 8605 Someone who can get a sodomy charge changed to "following too 8606 closely." 8607% 8608Lawyers do it to everyone. 8609% 8610Left a good broad by the river, 8611Traveled back into town just to get some rest! 8612Waited for 10 hours, 8613Went back to the river, 8614But I couldn't get her out of that mess! 8615 8616chorus: 8617 Poor Mary Jo Kopechne, 8618 Dead Mary Jo Kopechne, 8619 Rollin'... rollin'... rollin' down the window! 8620 8621If you're gonna run for office, 8622And you know that it's an election year. 8623Don't go in the river, 8624'Specially by way of bridges, 8625It could put an end to your political career! 8626(chorus) 8627 -- Poor Mary Jo, to the tune of "Proud Mary" 8628% 8629"Lemme show ya the odds, Sparky... In yer country, ya got 14 million black 8630people, and 3 million white people. Now, does the name `Custer' mean anything 8631to you?" 8632 -- Robin Williams, portraying Lester Maddox talking to Prime 8633 Minister Botha of South Africa. 8634% 8635Les salons de la ville de Trieste 8636Sont vaseux, suraigus, at funestes; 8637 Parmi les grandes chaises 8638 On cause des malaises, 8639Des estropiements, et des pestes. 8640 -- Edward Gorey 8641% 8642Let a Field Service Engineer put it in. 8643% 8644LET Jesus be YOUR anchor! 8645 8646So when Satan rocks your boat, THROW Jesus overboard! 8647% 8648Liberace was at heaven's gate when Saint Peter told him that he'd been 8649disqualified from entering. 8650 Stunned, Liberace asked, "Why?" 8651 "Our records show that you once ate a parakeet," Saint Peter answered. 8652 "I never did that," Liberace replied. "Can't you check your records? 8653They *must* be wrong!" 8654 "It says right here that on August 15, 1981, you ate a chartreuse 8655parakeet with black trim." 8656 "Hey, listen, you must be thinking of Ozzy Osbourne, " Liberace 8657replied. "Now, I might have had a cockatoo..." 8658% 8659Lick-a-dee-clit! 8660% 8661Life is a bitch, but the puppies can be cute. 8662% 8663Life is a shit sandwich, and every day you get to take another bite. 8664It's just that some days are TWO BITE days ... 8665% 8666Life is having a mother-in-law that sucks and a wife that don't. 8667 -- Rodney Dangerfield 8668% 8669Life is like a cucumber -- one moment it's 8670in your hand, the next it's up your ass. 8671% 8672Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's 8673hard you get fucked. 8674% 8675Life is like a shit sandwich. The more bread 8676you have, the less shit you have to eat. 8677% 8678Life is not a cabaret. 8679It's a fucking circus. 8680% 8681Life isn't a bitch. Life is a virgin. A bitch is easy. 8682% 8683Like private parts to the Gods are we, 8684they play with us for their sport. 8685 -- Lord Melchett (Blackadder 2) 8686% 8687Lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you, 8688Lipstick on your dipstick said you were untrue. 8689Bet your bottom dollar you and I are through, 8690'Cause lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you. 8691 -- To the tune of "Lipstick On Your Collar" 8692% 8693Lisp hackers 8694 ... do it in CARS. 8695 ... do it with tail recursion. 8696 ... first do it in the front, then do it in the back. 8697 ... have DEFUN while doing it. 8698 ... have to be bound to do it. 8699 ... have Moby dicks. 8700% 8701Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ... 8702% 8703Lisp programmers do it deeper and deeper and deeper. 8704% 8705Little Boy Blew... he needed the money. 8706% 8707LITTLE DEATH: (la petite mort) Some women do indeed pass right out, the 8708'little death' of French poetry. Men occasionally do the same. The 8709experience is not unpleasant, but it can scare an inexperienced partner 8710cold. A friend of ours had this happen with the first girl he ever slept 8711with. On recovery she explained, "I am awfully sorry, but I always do that." 8712By then he had called the police and an ambulance. So there is no cause 8713for alarm, any more than over the yells, convulsions, hysterical laughter, 8714or sobbing, or any of the other quite unexpected reactions that go along 8715with complete orgasm in some people. By contrast others simply shut their 8716eyes, but enjoy it no less. Sound and fury can be a flattering testimony 8717to a partners skills, but a fallacious one, because they don't depend on the 8718intensity of feeling, nor it upon them. 8719 -- The Joy of Sex 8720% 8721Little Herbie had been blind since birth. One day at bedtime, his mother 8722told him that the next day was a very special one. If he prayed extra 8723hard, he'd be able to see when he woke up the next morning. The next 8724morning she came into Herbie's room and asked him if he'd prayed hard 8725the night before. 8726 "Yes, Mommie," was his reply, "all night long!" 8727 "Well, then," she said, "open your eyes and you'll know that 8728your prayers have been answered." 8729Little Herbie opened his eyes, only to cry out, 8730 "Mother! Mother! I still can't see!" 8731 "I know, dear," said his mother, "April Fool." 8732% 8733Little Johnny with a grin, 8734Drank up all of daddy's gin, 8735Mother said, when he was plastered, 8736Go to bed, you little love-child. 8737% 8738Little known facts: the dirtiest words used on television during the 87391950's were uttered by June Cleaver. 8740 "Gee, Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?" 8741% 8742Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, 8743Eating her curds and whey. 8744Along came a spider, 8745And bit her right in the snatch. 8746% 8747Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet, 8748Eating her curds and whey. 8749Along came a spider, 8750Who sat down beside her, 8751And said, "What's in the bowl, bitch?" 8752% 8753Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, 8754Her knickers all tattered and torn. 8755For it wasn't a spider that sat down beside her, 8756But Little Boy Blue with his horn! 8757% 8758Little Miss Muffet, 8759Sat on her tuffet, 8760Smoking some THC. 8761Along came a narc'er who sat down beside her 8762And said, "So... what's in the bag, bitch?!" 8763% 8764Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit 8765her grandmother when a wolf jumped out from behind a tree. 8766 "Aha!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you, and I'm going to eat you." 8767 "Eat, eat, eat," said Little Red Riding Hood angrily, 8768"Damn it, doesn't anybody fuck anymore?" 8769% 8770Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. What ain't 8771fruits and nuts is flakes. 8772% 8773Long, long ago, in the Old West, a rancher rode into town to buy supplies. 8774When he returned, he found that his whole family had been killed, his wife 8775raped, his house burned, and all his cattle rustled. When he told his 8776distant neighbors about the tragedy, a few of them reported that the only 8777stranger they had seen in the area for weeks was a tall desperado wearing a 8778black hat and a red neckerchief. 8779 The cowboy saddled his fastest horse and set out to find the villian. 8780He searched for months but couldn't catch up with the culprit; in town after 8781dusty town he was told that a man fitting the description had been there but 8782had just departed; usually after some heinous crime. 8783 One evening after a hard day's ride he came into a town, tied his 8784horse, and entered the saloon. At a table in the corner sat an ugly man, 8785with a black hat and a red neckerchief! Slowly the cowboy stalked up to 8786this man, his hands resting upon his guns. 8787 "Are you the man who killed my family, raped my wife, burned my 8788house and rustled my cattle?" 8789 "Probably; after so many, how can I be sure?" snarled the bandit. 8790 "You better cut that shit out!" 8791% 8792Look out for yourself -- or they'll pee on your grave. 8793 -- Louis B. Mayer 8794 8795The reason so many people showed up at Louis B. Mayer's funeral 8796was because they wanted to make sure he was dead. 8797 -- Samuel Goldwyn 8798% 8799Love comes in spurts. 8800% 8801Love comes in spurts. 8802 --Devo, "Please Please" 8803% 8804Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit. 8805% 8806Love is blind but desire doesn't give a good goddam. 8807 -- James Thurber 8808% 8809Love is eating her even when she's not having her period. 8810% 8811Love is just for now ... herpes lasts forever. 8812% 8813Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin -- it's the triumphant 8814twang of a bedspring. 8815 -- S.J. Perelman 8816% 8817Love is two minutes and fifty-two seconds of squishy sounds. 8818 -- Johnny Rotten 8819% 8820Love letters no longer they write us, 8821To their homes they so seldom invite us. 8822 It grieves me to say, 8823 They have learned with dismay, 8824We can't cure their `vulva pruritus'. 8825% 8826Luser, n: 8827 Someone who picks up a female 8828 hitch-hiker walking home from a date. 8829% 8830Ma Bell runs a baudy house. 8831% 8832Macho, adj: 8833 Jogging home from a vasectomy. 8834% 8835Male, n: 8836 Life support system for a cock. 8837% 8838Man in stall: 8839 Hey, buddy? Is there any toilet paper out there? 8840Man at sink: 8841 No, I don't see any. Just a second... Nope, none in 8842 any of the other stalls either. 8843A minute passes. 8844Man in stall: 8845 Say, buddy? 8846Man at sink: 8847 Yeah? 8848Man in stall: 8849 You got change for a ten? 8850% 8851Man who dance in crowded ballroom 8852dance cheek to cheek with woman behind him. 8853% 8854Man who keep money in jockstrap has financial matters all balled up. 8855% 8856Man's lust for a bust is hardly recent, 8857Some say not even indecent. 8858But if you lust, 8859It's a must! 8860% 8861Many a bachelor feels the need to insert his masculinity. 8862% 8863Many a man has decided to stay alive not because of the will to live, but 8864because of the determination not to give assorted surviving bastards the 8865satisfaction of his death. 8866 -- Brendan Francis 8867% 8868Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would 8869not have chosen a suit by it. 8870 -- Maurice Chevalier 8871% 8872Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the 8873whole girl. 8874 -- Stephen Leacock 8875% 8876Many a man who thinks he's going on a maiden voyage with 8877a woman finds out later that it was just a shake-down cruise. 8878% 8879Many a sober Christian would rather admit that a wafer is God than that God 8880is a cruel and capricious tyrant. 8881 -- Edward Gibbon 8882% 8883Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. 8884But she can never catch him at it. 8885% 8886Many a woman hasn't realized that she was raped until the check bounced. 8887% 8888Many nice things suck. 8889% 8890Marijuana is like Coors beer. If you could buy the damn stuff 8891at a Georgia filling station, you'd decide you wouldn't want it. 8892 -- Billy Carter 8893% 8894Marlene wanted Joy to relent, 8895She said, "AIDS is so hard to prevent. 8896 If you want to get laid, 8897 Then we'll have to tribade!" 8898(But Joy didn't know what she meant.) 8899% 8900Marriage has driven more than one man to sex. 8901 -- Peter De Vries 8902% 8903Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, 8904you lose interest. 8905 -- Professor Irwin Corey 8906% 8907Mary had a little lamb, 8908It's fleece as white as snow. 8909It followed her to school one day, 8910And got fucked by a big black dog. 8911% 8912Mary had a little lamb, 8913She kept it in a bucket. 8914And every time she let it out, 8915The bulldog used to 8916Chase it around the garden. 8917% 8918Mary had a little lamb, 8919The lamb turned out to be a ram, 8920Now Mary has a little lamb. 8921% 8922Mary had a little sheep, 8923And with the sheep she went to sleep, 8924The sheep turned out to be a ram, 8925And Mary had a little lamb. 8926% 8927Mary had a little watch; 8928She swallowed it one day. 8929And so she took some Ex-Lax 8930To pass the time away. 8931 8932But when she took the Ex-Lax 8933The time it did not pass. 8934So when you want to know the time, 8935Just look up Mary's ... 8936 Uncle, he has a watch, too. 8937% 8938Masturbation! The amazing availability of it! 8939 -- James Joyce 8940% 8941masturbation, n: 8942 A self-service elevator. 8943% 8944masturbation, n: 8945 Coming unscrewed. 8946% 8947Math is to physics like masturbation is to sex. 8948% 8949Mathematicians 8950 ... do it in groups. 8951 ... do it in theory. 8952 ... take it to the limit. 8953% 8954Mathematicians do it in theory. 8955% 8956Mathematicians do it with a small, imaginary part. 8957% 8958Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is 8959described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can play. 8960 -- James Blish, "Beep/The Quincunx of Time" 8961% 8962Mathematicians take it to the limit. 8963% 8964May a deranged midget on a pogo stick 8965take refuge in your sister's hoop skirt. 8966% 8967May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister. 8968% 8969May all the boys you fall in love with fall in love with boys themselves. 8970% 8971May all the girls you fall in love with fall in love with girls themselves. 8972% 8973May Allah blow sand in your Preparation H. 8974% 8975May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow! 8976% 8977Maybe if the guy who developed Twinkies hadn't had such a low 8978opinion of himself they would have been an inch or two longer! 8979% 8980Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city 8981nativity scene removed: 8982 "They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men 8983and a virgin in the whole organization." 8984% 8985McCoy's a seducer galore, 8986And of virgins he has quite a score. 8987 He tells them, "My dear, 8988 You're the Final Frontier, 8989Where man never has gone before." 8990% 8991McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom: 8992 If an item is advertised as "under $50", 8993 you can bet your ass it's not $19.95. 8994% 8995McQuillan was on the stand. The case involved a railroad and several of 8996the passengers who were injured. 8997 "You say," thundered the counsel for the railroad, "that you saw 8998the two trains crash head on while doing sixty miles an hour. What did you 8999think when you saw this happen ?" 9000 I thought," replied the Irishman, "this is one *helluva* way to run 9001a railroad." 9002% 9003Me father makes book on the corner, 9004Me mother makes second hand gin, 9005Me sister makes love for a dollar, 9006And that's how the money rolls in! 9007 9008 Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in! 9009 (Rolls in!) 9010 Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in! 9011 9012Me father sells cheap prophylactics, 9013Me mum pokes the tips with a pin, 9014Me sister performs the abortions, 9015And that's how the money rolls in! 9016 9017Me uncle's a poor missionary, 9018He saves fallen women from sin. 9019He'll save you a blonde for five dollars, 9020And that's how the money rolls in. 9021% 9022Me, I love the rich. *Somebody* has to love them. Sure, a lot 9023of rich people are assholes, but believe me, a lot of poor people 9024are assholes too. And an asshole with money can at least pay 9025for his own drinks. 9026 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" 9027% 9028Meanwhile back at the oasis, the Ay-rabs wuz busy a-eatin' their dates! 9029% 9030Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Granny was a-beating off the Indians, but 9031they jus' kept on a-comin'. Back at the outhouse, things were a-pilin' up. 9032And, as the U.S. Fourth Calvary mounted the hill, Tonto, cleverly disguised 9033as a doorknob, came off in the Lone Ranger's hand. 9034% 9035Meet Elmer, young son of the Thorpes, 9036Afflicted with psychotic warps. 9037 His idea of fun 9038 Is to bugger a nun, 9039And then vomit all over the corpse. 9040% 9041Megaton Man: "LOOK at them! Helpless, tender creatures, relying on 9042 ME, waiting for ME to make my move!" 9043 9044(from below): "Move your ASS, Fat-head!" 9045 9046Megaton Man: "It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!" 9047% 9048Men -- can't live with 'em, can't leave 9049'em by the curb when you're done. 9050% 9051Men have many faults, 9052 Women only two: 9053Everything they say, 9054 And everything they do! 9055% 9056Men will fuck mud. 9057 -- Lenny Bruce 9058% 9059menage a trois, n: 9060 Using both hands to masturbate. 9061% 9062Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies. Women's magazines 9063also often feature pictures of naked ladies. This is because the female 9064body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and 9065should not be seen by the light of day. 9066 -- Richard Roeper, "Men and Women Are Different" 9067% 9068Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and it 9069has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin very 9070closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing 9071the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ... 9072 9073 [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important 9074 world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the 9075 next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.] 9076 9077... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your 9078cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of 9079billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even more 9080interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a fact. Your 9081skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the older veteran cells, 9082who have finally worked their way to the top and obtained offices with nice 9083views, are constantly being shoved out the window head first, without so 9084much as a pension plan, by younger hotshot cells moving up from below. 9085 -- Dave Barry 9086% 9087Meteorologist, n: 9088 A man who can look in a woman's eyes and predict whether. 9089% 9090Mickey Mouse has a long talk one day with a psychiatrist, after which 9091the psychiatrist interviews Minnie Mouse. A few days later Mickey meets 9092with the psychiatrist, and the following conversation ensues: 9093 9094Sigmund : I talked with Minnie after talking with you. 9095Mickey : Oh? 9096Sigmund : I couldn't find anything wrong with her -- she isn't insane. 9097Mickey : Idiot! I didn't say she was insane -- I said she was 9098 fuckin' Goofy. 9099% 9100Miguel Cervantes wrote Donkey Hote. Milton wrote Paradise Lost, then his 9101wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained. 9102% 9103"Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some sheep's 9104testicles for a bet... God, that bloody sheep kicked him!" 9105 -- Ripping Yarns 9106% 9107Missed the train at the railway station 9108Oh hell, blast, and damnation! 9109Asked a lady in there if she had the time, 9110She said "Yes", and a strong inclination. 9111% 9112Missionary Position: 9113 The missionary on top. 9114% 9115Mistress Mary, quite contrary, 9116How does your garden grow? 9117With silver bells and cockle shells, 9118And one really fucked-up petunia. 9119% 9120Mistress, n: 9121 Something between a mister and a mattress. 9122% 9123mixed emotions: 9124 Watching your mother-in-law back off a cliff... 9125 in your brand new Mercedes. 9126% 9127Montana: 9128 Where men are men and women are sheep. 9129% 9130Moody bitch in search of... 9131 kind, considerate, loving man. Objective, love-hate relationship. 9132% 9133Moody bitch with attitude, seeks nice, 9134good-looking guy to dump on. 9135% 9136Morris left for a two-day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few 9137blocks from his house, when he realized that he had left the airplane 9138tickets on his bureau top. He returned and quietly entered the house. 9139His wife, in her skimpiest negligee, was standing at the sink washing 9140the breakfast dishes. She looked so inviting that he tiptoed up behind 9141her, reached out, and squeezed her breast. 9142 "Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Morris won't be here 9143for breakfast tomorrow." 9144% 9145"Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a 9146boot if the instructions were printed on the heel." 9147% 9148Most men would never get laid if it weren't for the pity fuck. 9149% 9150Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity 9151to be otherwise. 9152 -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" 9153% 9154Most women look for a man who is tall, dark and hung some. 9155% 9156Motto of the Electrical Engineer: 9157 Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it 9158stays up as long as you don't fuck with it. 9159% 9160Moustache rides, 50 cents. 9161% 9162Mr. Rection, Mr. Hugh G. Rection, please pick up a white courtesy telephone! 9163% 9164Mrs. Johnson had a very beautiful and intelligent parrot. He had just one 9165problem: He liked to fuck Mr. Hawkins' chickens. Mrs. Johnson scolded him 9166time and time again, but he would just laugh at her. Finally, she told him 9167that if he did it again, she would cut off all of the feathers on the top of 9168his head. Well, he resisted the urge for a week, but one day, he just 9169couldn't resist going next door. Besides, he figured she was bluffing. 9170 Well, Mr. Hawkins came over, ranting and raving about how the parrot 9171had been fucking his chickens again. Mrs. Johnson didn't say a word, just 9172took out her scissors and cut off all of the parrot's head feathers. 9173 That night, Mrs. Johnson had a big party at her house. Before it 9174started, she took the parrot and put him on top of the piano by the front 9175door. "Since you disobeyed me today, you have to stay here on the piano 9176tonight. Now, don't you dare move." 9177 Well, the parrot was pretty pissed off about having his head bare, 9178and he wasn't too happy about having to spend the whole evening on the piano. 9179Still, as he usually did, when the butler would announce the guests as they 9180arrived, he would say hello to them. Just then, two bald-headed men came to 9181the door. 9182 Before the butler could say anything, the parrot yelled, "Okay, you 9183chicken-fuckers, up here on the piano with me!" 9184% 9185Mrs. Kelly is partial to cocks; 9186Mr. Kelly likes rye on the rocks. 9187 When he's under the weather 9188 They can't get together, 9189So others get into her box. 9190% 9191Musing on her present and past professions as "dominant/sadomasichism 9192fantasy fulfiller" and dental hygienist, Sybil said, "I couldn't really 9193understand why I wanted to be a dental hygienist, but years later, after 9194being in the SM world a long time, I figured it out: I'm in uniform, 9195they're not. I'm standing up, they're lying down. I'm doing painful 9196things to them for their own good. This is so ME." 9197 -- The Daily Cal, September 29, 1992 In an article titled: 9198 "Kinky sex remains alive and whipping despite threat 9199 of AIDS, book reveals" 9200% 9201My advice to the women's clubs of America is to raise more hell and fewer 9202dahlias. 9203 -- William Allen White 9204% 9205My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. He goes around 9206with his head stuck up his ass. 9207% 9208"My country, right or wrong," is a thing that no patriot would think of 9209saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, "My mother, 9210drunk or sober." 9211 -- G. K. Chesterton 9212% 9213My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus. They put him 9214in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was 9215Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus. 9216 -- T. Bywater 9217% 9218My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my 9219family, it seems, begins where yours left off. 9220 -- Alexandre Dumas, pere 9221% 9222My girlfriend's favorite erotic position is bending over my credit cards. 9223% 9224My godda bless, never I see sucha people. 9225 -- Signor Piozzi, quoted by Cecilia Thrale 9226% 9227My idea of a wild party is where you throw the girls' panties at the wall 9228and they stick. 9229 -- Johnny Bob 9230% 9231My jaw aches, my pussy is sore. 9232I simply can't fuck any more; 9233 I'm covered with sweat, 9234 And you haven't come yet, 9235And my God, it's a quarter to four! 9236 -- The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint 9237% 9238My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend. 9239 -- Rodney Dangerfield 9240% 9241My mother was a test tube; my father was a knife. 9242 -- Friday 9243% 9244My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. One day my wife 9245came home early from work and found us in bed together. 9246 -- Lenny Bruce 9247% 9248My mothers are wholly ignorant of the almost universal prevalence of secret 9249vice, or self-abuse, among the young. Why hesitate to say firmly and without 9250quibble that personal abuse lies at the root of much of the feebleness, 9251paleness, nervousness, and good-for-nothingness of the entire community? 9252 -- Dr. J.H. Kellogg, "The Ladies Guide", Modern Medicine 9253 Publishing Company, 1895. Dr. Kellogg helped invent 9254 corn flakes and peanut butter. In addition to denouncing 9255 masturbation, he believed that smoking caused cancer and 9256 that certain ailments could be cured by rolling a 9257 cannonball on the stomach. 9258% 9259My reaction to porno films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I 9260want to go home and screw. After the first twenty minutes, I never want 9261to screw again as long as I live. 9262 -- Erica Jong 9263% 9264My sex life hasn't been so good; either fist or famine. 9265% 9266My travel agent's an Oxford chap 9267Who rolls his eyes when he speaks. 9268I asked him about the Isle of Man 9269For a journey of about six weeks. 9270And this is what he said to me 9271As he looked me right in the eye, 9272"For a far-out trip, try an ice cream dip 9273Of Elephant Shit On Rye." 9274 9275A brand-new store just opened its door 9276At the corner of 5th and Vine 9277And I happened to be standing right outside 9278When they turned on their neon sign. 9279I heard a strange sound, I looked around, 9280And that's when I almost died, 9281They nearly knocked me down to be the first in town 9282To get their Elephant Shit On Rye! 9283% 9284`My trip? It was vile. Balaclava 9285I loathed. Etna was crawling with lava. 9286 The ship was all white 9287 But it creaked in the night, 9288And the band, they did not know la java." 9289 -- Edward Gorey 9290% 9291`My trip? It was vile. Balaclava 9292I loathed. Etna was crawling with lava. 9293 The ship was all white 9294 But it creaked in the night, 9295And the band, they did not know la java." 9296 -- Edward Gorey 9297% 9298My wife and I only smoke after sex. I've had the same pack since 1967. 9299She's up to three packs a day. 9300 -- Rodney Dangerfield 9301% 9302My wife has breast cancer. She told me to start dating. 9303 -- Howard Stern 9304% 9305Naked children are so perfectly pure and lovely. I confess I do not admire 9306naked boys. They always seem to me to need clothes -- whereas one hardly 9307sees why the lovely forms of girls should ever be covered up. 9308 -- Lewis Carroll 9309% 9310Naked couple in bed, woman says to man: 9311 "When I said I had a foot fetish, I was referring to cocks." 9312% 9313Nancy Reagan wants to divorce old Ron... 9314seems he's making it hard for everyone but her. 9315% 9316National Sex Week -- don't let your meat loaf. 9317% 9318navel, n: 9319 A place to stash your gum on the way down. 9320% 9321Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows. 9322Watch who you sleep with. 9323% 9324necrophilia, n: 9325 Dead boring. 9326 9327incest, n: 9328 Relatively boring. 9329% 9330necrophilia, n: 9331 Dropping in for a cold one. 9332% 9333Need to buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep? 9334Try Fredricks of Ithaca, New York. 9335% 9336Negotiate my ass, let's kill something! 9337% 9338Never fly under a seagull - they'll shit on your airplane. 9339 -- Gordon Cooper 9340% 9341"Never send a MAN to do a WOMAN'S work! Why do you think I CAME here?" 9342"Not for the good of my ego, that was for damn sure." 9343% 9344Never try to keep up with the Joneses; they might be newlyweds. 9345% 9346New book out from Gary Hart; "Six Inches from the White House". 9347% 9348New Jersey is not the armpit of the nation; 9349it's the asshole of the universe. 9350 -- Jonathan Michael Smith 9351% 9352New York: 9353 Where men are men, sheep enjoy it, and lepers laugh their heads off. 9354% 9355Newlywed groom: 9356 Honey, I have something to confess to you. I'm a golfer. 9357 You'll never see me on Tuesday nights, Thursday nights, 9358 and weekends. I'm sorry. 9359Newlywed bride: 9360 I have something even worse to confess, dear. I'm a hooker. 9361Groom: 9362 Oh, honey, that's no problem! Just keep your head low and follow 9363 through... 9364% 9365Newsflash: 9366 Apparently the rapture did occur last Tuesday as was originally 9367predicted. All true believers were transported to heaven while the rest 9368of us were left behind to await the Anti-Christ and the end of the world. 9369 Widespread reports that the rapture had not occurred stemmed from 9370expectations that the effect would be more widespread than it turned out 9371to be. The definition of "true believer" was apparently more restrictive 9372than expected, however, and the only qualifiers were a family of five, 9373living in Stenton, North Dakota. 9374% 9375Next, upon a stool, we've a sight to make you drool. 9376Seven virgins and a mule, keep it cool, keep it cool. 9377 -- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2) 9378% 9379Nice computers don't go down. 9380% 9381Nine out of ten men who preferred Camels have switched back to women. 9382% 9383Nine reasons a taco is better than a woman: 9384 1: Tacos don't put frilly covers on the toilet seat 9385 so the lid won't stay up. 9386 2: Tacos don't use your razor on their legs. 9387 3: Tacos don't say "That's okay, it doesn't have to be good for me." 9388 4: Tacos don't get upset if you eat another taco, "Just for fun." 9389 5: Tacos will never contest a divorce, 9390 demand a property settlement or seek custody of anything. 9391 6: Tacos won't ask you about your last lover, 9392 or speculate about your next one. 9393 7: A taco will never make a scene because 9394 there are other tacos in the refrigerator. 9395 8: It's easy to drop a taco. 9396 9: Tacos don't want to sleep on your chest. 9397% 9398Ninety percent of everything is crap. 9399 -- Theodore Sturgeon 9400% 9401No matter how clever the hardware boys 9402are, the software boys piss it away. 9403% 9404No one born with a mouth and a need is "innocent". 9405 -- Greg Bear 9406% 9407No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether 9408she will or will not be a mother. 9409 -- Margaret H. Sanger 9410% 9411Non Illegitemus Carborundum. 9412 [Don't let the bastards wear you down.] 9413% 9414Not everyone has a one-track mind. 9415 -- From a Bisexuality 101 talk 9416% 9417"Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends." 9418 -- Woody Allen 9419% 9420nothing, adj: 9421 A man with an erection who walks into a wall and breaks his nose. 9422% 9423Nothing is better than Sex. 9424Masturbation is better than nothing. 9425Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex. 9426% 9427Now a Jew, in the dictionary, is one who is descended from the ancient 9428tribes of Judea ... but you and I know what a Jew is -- one who killed 9429Our Lord ... A lot of people say to me "Why did you kill Christ?" What 9430can I say? It was an accident. It was one of those parties that got out 9431of hand, you know... We killed him because he didn't want to become 9432a doctor, that's why we killed him. 9433 -- Lenny Bruce 9434% 9435Now hear this fair lass from Rhode Isle 9436Who said with a wink and a smile, 9437 "Sure, please stick it in, 9438 Be it thick be it thin, 9439But if's rough I won't do as a file." 9440% 9441Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind- 9442bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers 9443have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the non-existence 9444of God. The argument follows: "I refuse to prove that I exist," says God, 9445"for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing." "But," says Man, 9446"the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved 9447by chance, thus proving that you exist, therefore by your own arguments, 9448you don't. QED." "Oh, dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and 9449promptly vanishes in a puff of logic. 9450 -- D. Adams 9451% 9452Now what would they do if I just sailed away? 9453Who the hell really compelled me to leave today? 9454Runnin' low on stories of what made it a ball, 9455What would they do if I made no landfall?" 9456 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Landfall" 9457% 9458Nuke the gay, unborn, baby whales for Jesus. 9459% 9460Nurse Jones is a regular on the newsgroup [alt.sex.bondage], and 9461occasionally has problems with folks harassing her. She came up 9462with this in response to one... 9463 9464 Fortunately, my ego isn't as fragile as that woodpecker's wing. 9465 When fratboy called me a dyke I told him that actually I was 9466 bisexual, but that he shouldn't feel threatened because he didn't 9467 meet either of my standards. But if it makes you feel more 9468 comfortable, I said, my husband tied me to the bedposts this 9469 morning and screwed the daylights out of me. 9470 9471 "Just think," said 9472 9473 Nurse Jones, 9474 "... that was four 9475 hours ago and 9476 my sperm count 9477 is probably *still* 9478 higher than yours." 9479% 9480Nybble me... Byte me... Unsigned long int me... 9481% 9482Objectivity is to a newspaper what virtue is to a woman. 9483 -- Joseph Pulitzer 9484% 9485Obscene? Obscene is young men being trained to drop fire on people, but 9486their commanders not allowing them to write "fuck" on their airplanes 9487because it's obscene. 9488% 9489Obscenity is a crutch for lazy Motherfuckers. 9490% 9491Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers. 9492% 9493Occident, n.: 9494 The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It 9495is largely inhabited by Christians, a powerful sub-tribe of the 9496Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which 9497they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the 9498principal industries of the Orient. 9499 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9500% 9501Ocean, n.: 9502 A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for 9503man -- who has no gills. 9504% 9505Oden the bardling averred 9506His muse was the bum of a bird, 9507 And his Lesbian wife 9508 Would finger his fife 9509While Fisherwood waited as third. 9510% 9511Of course, I speak of nothing else but that classic of understated yet wildly 9512exciting eroticism, "The Windflower," by Laura London. Ms. London is the 9513author of such other philosophical block-busters as "Bad Baron's Daughter," 9514"A Heart Too Proud," "Moonlight Mist," and most thigh-warming of all, "Gypsy 9515Heiress". Well, glasses-steaming scenes are to be found on every page, to 9516an extent which overwhelms Your Humble Narrator, and so, in order to save 9517himself extreme embarrassment, he brings you... the blurb: 9518 9519 "Every lady of breeding knows: no one has a good time on a pirate 9520ship. No one, that is, but the pirates. Yet there she was, Merry Wilding 9521-- kidnapped in error, taken from a ship bound from New York to England, 9522spirited away in a barrel and swept aboard the infamous "Black Joke"... 9523There she was, trembling with pleasure in the arms of her achingly handsome, 9524sensationally sensual, golden-haired captor -- Devon." 9525% 9526Of course, most people eventually give up bowling for sex. 9527The balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes. 9528% 9529Of his face she thought not very much, 9530But then, at the very first touch, 9531 Her attitude shifted -- 9532 He was terribly gifted 9533At frigging and fucking and such. 9534% 9535Oh, baby, put two fingers here and one finger there and call me bitch. 9536% 9537Oh give me a home, where the bookmakers roam, 9538Where the beer and the whiskey flows free, 9539Where never is heard, a discouraging word, 9540And the call-girls keep callin' for me! 9541% 9542Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog Rover, 9543That got run over with my mower. 9544One leg is missing, and one other is gone, 9545The fourth one is scattered all over the lawn. 9546It's no use explain'n, the one remaining, 9547It landed by the kitchen door. 9548Oh, I'm looking over, my dead dog rover, 9549that ain't gonna walk no more... 9550 -- Tune is something about a four-leaf clover. 9551% 9552Oh John, let's not park here. 9553Oh John, let's not park. 9554Oh John, let's not. 9555Oh John, let's. 9556Oh John. 9557Oh. 9558% 9559Oh, pity the Duchess of Kent! 9560Her cunt is so dreadfully bent, 9561 The poor wench doth stammer, 9562 "I need a sledgehammer 9563To pound a man into my vent." 9564% 9565Oh pity the prince, Montezuma 9566He tried to make love to a puma. 9567 Seems the puma, in play, 9568 Tore his testes away - 9569- An example of animal huma. 9570% 9571Oh pity the prince, Montezuma 9572He tried to make love to a puma. 9573 Seems the puma, in play, 9574 Tore his testes away -- 9575An example of animal huma. 9576% 9577Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to conceive. 9578 -- Don Herold 9579% 9580OLD FELLA RED CLARET 9581 Produce of Australia -- "The Big 69'er" 9582 9583An unusual "Rough-as-Guts" wine that has the Distinctive Bouquet of old 9584and ill-cared for animals. It is best drunk with the teeth clenched to 9585prevent ingestion of the seeds and skins. Connoisseurs will savour the 9586slight Tannin Taste of burnt shag feathers and soiled medical dressings. 9587Possessors of a cultivated Palate admire the initial assault on the taste 9588buds which comes from the careful and loving blending of circus hosings 9589with perished jock straps. The maturing in Midland Abattoir hogsheads 9590gives it a very Definite Nose. With the bouquet like an aborigine's armpit. 9591In the United States this wine is marketed as Crow Brand (9 out of 10 people 9592who drink it for the first time exclaim "VRAAAARRRRRK"). 9593 9594It won a Bronze at the "Kings Cross Homosexuals Convention" of 1973 9595 9596Warning: Avoid contact with eyes and open cuts. 9597 Keep away from open naked flames -- both old and new. 9598% 9599Old King Cole was a merry old soul, 9600A merry old soul was he. 9601He called for his pipe, 9602And he called for his drums, 9603And he fiddled with his call girls three. 9604% 9605Old King Cole 9606Was a merry old soul, 9607A merry old soul was he! 9608He called for his pipe, 9609And he called for his bowl, 9610And he fiddled with his call girls three! 9611% 9612Old McDonald had a farm, 9613E-I-E-I-O! 9614And on this farm he had some chicks, 9615E-I-E-I-O! 9616With a chick-chick here, 9617And a chick-chick there, 9618Here a chick, 9619There a chick, 9620Everywhere a chick-chick, 9621Old McDonald lost his farm 9622'Cause he had too many chicks! 9623% 9624Old McDonald had a farm, 9625E-I-E-I-O 9626And on this farm he had some chicks, 9627E-I-E-I-O 9628With a chickie-poo here, and a chickie-poo there, 9629Here a chick, there a chick, everywhere a whoop-ti-doo, 9630Old McDonald lost his farm, 9631'Cause he had too many chicks. 9632% 9633Old mercenaries never die. They go to hell and regroup. 9634% 9635Old Mother Hubbard lived in a shoe, 9636She had so many children, 9637She didn't know what to do. 9638So she moved to Atlanta. 9639% 9640Old Mother Hubbard, 9641Went to the cubbard, 9642To get her poor doggie a bone. 9643 9644But when she stooped over, 9645Old Rover, he drove her. 9646You see, he had a bone of his own. 9647% 9648Olmstead's Law: 9649 After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. 9650% 9651On a cannibal isle near Malaysia 9652Lives a lady they call Anastasia. 9653 Not russian elite- 9654 She's eager to eat 9655Whatever or whoever lays her. 9656% 9657On a ship wrecked far out at sea, 9658The girl said, "I can't seem to pee." 9659 "Aha!" said the mate, 9660 "That settles the fate 9661Of the captain, the pilot, and me." 9662% 9663On an isolated stretch of beach near Cannes, a beautiful French girl threw 9664herself into the sea and drowned despite a young man's attempt to save her. 9665The man dragged the half-nude body ashore and left it on the sand while he 9666went to notify the authorities. Upon his return, he was horrified to find 9667a man making love to the corpse. 9668 "Monsieur, monsieur," he shouted, "that woman is dead, 9669that woman is dead!" 9670 "Sacre bleu," exclaimed the man, springing up. 9671"I thought she was an American!" 9672% 9673On Brassieres: 9674 Russian: Uplifts the masses. 9675 Salvation Army: Raises the fallen. 9676 American: Makes mountains out of molehills. 9677% 9678On day a Monterey daughter 9679Did scuba down under the water. 9680 She later turned up 9681 The mom of a pup, 9682And they say t'was a otter that gotter. 9683% 9684On one hot dusty day in 1860, a lone Mexican bandit crossed the border into 9685Texas. After robbing a small bank and shooting up the town, he led the posse 9686on a merry chase through the desert. On the sixth day of the chase he was 9687apprehended. 9688 Sheriff-to-interpreter: "Ask him where the money is." 9689 Interpreter-to-bandit: "He wants to know where you hid the money." 9690 Bandit-to-interpreter: "I'll never tell, never!" 9691 Interpreter-to-sheriff: "He says he'll never tell, senor." 9692At this point, the sheriff loses his cool. His town has been shot up, his 9693bank robbed, he's spent a week in the desert tracking this guy, and now he 9694says he'll never tell. So he takes his pistol, jams it under the bandits' 9695chin, and, with the veins standing out on his neck, screams "Tell him to tell 9696me where the money is, or I'm gonna blow his brains all over the desert!" 9697 Interpreter-to-bandit: "He says if you don't tell him where the 9698 money is right now, he will kill you here." 9699 Bandit-to-interpreter: "Do not kill me, senor, the money is hidden 9700 under the big tree at the pass!" 9701 Interpreter-to-sheriff: "He says you ain't got the balls..." 9702% 9703On the breast of a lady named Gail, 9704Was tattooed the price of her tail. 9705 And on her behind, 9706 For the sake of the blind, 9707Was the same information -- in Braille. 9708% 9709On the breasts of a harlot from Yale 9710Was tattooed the price of her tail 9711 And on her behind, 9712 For the sake of the blind, 9713Was the same information in Braille. 9714% 9715On the porch of a dude named Horatio, 9716His girl got a yen for fellatio. 9717 As she sucked on his dingus 9718 He tried cunnilingus 9719But the cops ran 'em off of that patio. 9720% 9721Ona day Ima gonna to Detroit to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to 9722eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two piss's toast. She bringa me 9723only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss ona my plate. She says you 9724better no piss on the plate, you sonna bitch. I don't even know the lady 9725and she call me sonna bitch. Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant. 9726The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tell her I wanna 9727fock. She tells me everone wanna fock. I tell her "you no understand", I 9728wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you 9729sonna bitch. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there isa no shits ona 9730my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tella me to go 9731to the toilet. I say "you no understand", I wanna shit on the bed. He say 9732you better no shit ona bed, you sonna bitch. I go to check out and the man 9733at the desk say "peace to you". I say piss on you too, you sonna bitch. I 9734gonna back to Italy. 9735% 9736Once a woman has given you her heart you 9737can never get rid of the rest of her. 9738 -- Vanbrugh 9739% 9740Once a young gay from Khartoum 9741Took a lesbian up to his room. 9742 They argued all night 9743 Over who had the right 9744To do what, and with which, and to whom. 9745% 9746Once I belonged to a group that really had THE WORD. I fought like hell 9747for them. But another group came along and exposed the word of my group 9748as shallow and degenerate. They had a better word. So I quit the first 9749group and lost all the friends I had made and I joined up with this new 9750group. I fought like hell for them. But another group came around. They 9751exposed the word of my group as false and materialistic. Their word was 9752very much better. So I quit the second group and lost all the friends I 9753had made. And I joined up with this new group. I fought like hell for them. 9754Till this one guy came along and proved that there wasn't any word at all. 9755That I should go off as an individual and grow! So I quit the last group 9756and lost all the friends I had made. And now I sit home alone all day and 9757all I do is grow. It would be nice to join up with some others who feel 9758the way I do. 9759 -- J. Feiffer 9760% 9761Once upon a girl there was a time... 9762% 9763Once upon a time there was a farmer who had borrowed a bull to service his 9764two cows. He put all three animals on a meadow and sent little Johnny to 9765observe and report any success. A short time later, little Johnny came 9766running towards the house shouting: "Daddy, Daddy, the bull just fucked the 9767white cow!" 9768 The father took little Johnny aside and said: "Look, kid, it's 9769alright if you use that kind of language around me, but the reverend is 9770going to be visiting soon. So next time, please use another word; just 9771say that the bull "surprised" the cow." 9772 Johnny agreed and went back to observe any progress. A little 9773while later, while the preacher was talking to the farmer, little Johnny 9774came a-running again, shouting: "Daddy, Daddy!" 9775 The father, trying to avoid embarrassing the preacher, said: "I 9776know, the bull surprised the brown cow." 9777 Little Johnny replied: "He sure did, he fucked the white one again!" 9778% 9779Once upon a time there was a farmer who owned a large number of chickens and 9780made money by selling chickens to a local distributing company. The farmer 9781wanted to increase his business, and so went to market to buy another rooster. 9782"This rooster," assured the vendor, "is my best. He's virile and energetic 9783and will take care of all your chickens!" The farmer, delighted at this, 9784bought the rooster and returned to his farm. He set the rooster loose among 9785his hen houses and, sure enough, the rooster enthusiastically went to work. 9786It wasn't too long, however, before the rooster finished off all the hens and 9787began on the few geese and ducks that were on the farm. "If you keep up this 9788rate," warned the farmer, "you'll screw yourself to death!" The rooster, 9789however, scoffed at the farmer and continued at an increased speed. The next 9790morning, the farmer was doing his chores when he noticed several buzzards in 9791the sky circling over something. He headed out behind the barn, and sure 9792enough there was the rooster, flat on his back, with eyes closed. The farmer 9793shook his fist at the motionless body and cursed, shouting "I knew it! I told 9794you so! I knew you'd screw yourself to death!" The rooster turned his head 9795toward the farmer, opened one eye, and winked. "Shhh!" he said, pointing to 9796the birds above. "I think they're coming down." 9797% 9798Once upon a time there was a little girl named Little Red Riding Hood. One 9799fine morning she decided to visit her Grandmother, so she put a freshly baked 9800cake and a .357 magnum into her basket and set off through the forest. When 9801she got there, what should she find but a big black wolf in the bed, who 9802jumped up, grabbed her and snarled, "I'm going to fuck you until the sun goes 9803down." 9804 So Little Red Riding Hood whipped out the .357 and said, "Oh, no, 9805you're not! You're going to eat me just like the story says!" 9806% 9807Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to 9808fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold, 9809the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south. 9810After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to 9811earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this 9812little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure 9813warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow 9814began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the 9815chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure, 9816he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him. 9817 9818There are three morals to this story: 9819 9820(1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy. 9821(2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend. 9822(3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut. 9823% 9824Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley. He'd do pushups and 9825somersaults and limber up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around 9826on their fat asses not doing a thing. One day, one of them became curious 9827enough to ask Stanley why he exercised all day. Stanley said, 9828 "Look, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when the right 9829time comes, I am going to be that one." 9830A few days later, the all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter, and they 9831knew that it was getting to be their time to go. They were released abruptly 9832and, sure enough, there was Stanley swimming far ahead of all the others. 9833All of a sudden, Stanley stopped, turned around, and began to swim back with 9834all his might. 9835 "Go back! Go back!" he screamed. "It's a blow job!" 9836% 9837Once upon a time there were three coeds -- a big coed, a medium-sized coed, 9838and a little, tiny coed. One night they came home from a dance, and the big 9839coed said, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!" 9840 The medium-sized coed looked in her room and said, "Someone's been 9841sleeping in my bed!" 9842 And the little, tiny coed said, "Well, nighty-night, girls!" 9843% 9844Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of 9845us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of the 9846smaller prime numbers. 9847 98482: The Odd Prime -- 9849 It's the only even prime, therefore is odd. QED. 98503: The True Prime -- 9851 Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you 3 times, it's true." 985231: The Arbitrary Prime -- 9853 Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime in 9854 case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91 received 9855 the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the next most. 9856 However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none at all. 985741: The Female Prime -- 9858 The polynomial X**2 - X + 41 is 9859 prime for integer values from 1 to 40. 986043: The Male Prime - they form a prime pair. 9861 9862Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities 9863are derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd 9864but true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers. 9865% 9866Once was a hooker named Gail, 9867Busted and sent-off to jail, 9868 She liked the jailer, 9869 He wanted to nail her, 9870So Gail made bail with her tail. 9871% 9872Once you come out as a Pagan bisexual married leatherdyke, 9873the rest of life is that much easier. 9874% 9875Once you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow. 9876% 9877One by one the vice-presidents of a large corporation were called into the 9878boss's office. Then the junior executives were individually summoned. 9879Finally the office boy was brought in. 9880 "I want the truth, Charles," the boss bellowed. "Have you been 9881playing around with my secretary?" 9882 "N-no, sir," the office boy stammered. "I-I'd never do anything 9883like that, sir." 9884 "All right, all right," sighed the boss, "then you fire her." 9885% 9886One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country. He hopped 9887into his sportscar, wandered along the highway for a while and then exited 9888to some very rural dirt roads in the middle of farm country. After awhile, 9889he came across a farmer who clearly working his fields. The funny thing was, 9890the farmer didn't seem to be wearing any pants. The man got out of his car 9891and approached the farmer. 9892 "Hey, buddy," he asked, "how come you're not wearing any clothes?" 9893 Replied the farmer, "Well, boy, th' other day I was out a-workin' 9894in the fields, an' I plum fergot t' wear mah shirt. Got back to th' house 9895that night, and mah neck was stiffer than a oak-wood board. This here's 9896mah wife's idea." 9897% 9898One day a little polar bear cub says to his mother, "Mommy, am I really 9899a polar bear?" 9900 "Why of course you are, honey!" his mother replies. "You live at 9901the North Pole and you swim under the ice to catch fish. You play on the 9902ice floes and you romp through the snow and chase seals. Of *course* you're 9903a polar bear. Why do you ask?" 9904 "Because," says the little cub, "I'm fuckin' freezing!" 9905% 9906One day a mouse was driving along the road in his Mercedes when he heard an 9907anguished roaring noise coming from the side of the road. Stopping the car, 9908he got out and discovered a lion stuck in a deep ditch and roaring for help. 9909Reassuring the lion, the mouse tied a rope around the axle of the Mercedes, 9910threw the other end down to the lion, and pulled the beast out of the ditch. 9911The lion thanked the mouse profusely and they went their separate ways. 9912 Two months later the lion was out for a stroll in the country when 9913he heard a panicked squeaking coming from the side of the road. Investigating 9914the noise, what should he come across but the mouse stuck in the same hole. 9915"Oh, please help me, Mr. Lion," squeaked the terrified mouse. "I saved you 9916with my car once, remember?" 9917 "Course I'll help you, little fellow," roared the lion. "I'll just 9918lower my dick down to you, you hold on to it, and we'll have you out of there 9919in a jiffy." Sure enough, a few minutes later the mouse was high and dry on 9920the roadside, trying to convey his eternal gratitude to the lion. 9921 "Don't give it another thought," said the lion kindly. "It just goes 9922to show that if you've got a big dick, you don't need a Mercedes." 9923% 9924One day Adam, while wandering around the Garden of Eden, noticed that all 9925the animals seemed to come in pairs, male and female. He also noted that 9926they seemed to enjoy being together a lot. So, he went to his special 9927place an reported to God what he'd noticed. 9928 God, understanding his need, said, "Adam, the time has come for me 9929to provide you with a mate. Go lie down and when you have fallen asleep, I 9930will create your mate." 9931 So Adam wandered off, found a nice patch of soft grass and fell 9932asleep. Some time later he awoke, possibly due to a bit of pain in his 9933ribs, possibly because of the gorgeous woman leaning over him. Remembering 9934the animals he'd seen having such fun, he immediately reached for her. 9935Pretty soon Adam's back at his special place. 9936 "God?" 9937 "Yes, Adam, what now?" 9938 "God, what's a headache?" 9939% 9940One day Father O'Malley was walking through the park when he came upon an 9941enchanting scene. A beautiful little girl with long blond hair, deep blue 9942eyes, and a dainty white dress was reading under a tree with her adorable 9943little dog. 9944 What a lovely picture, thought the Father to himself. Walking over, 9945he asked, "Child, what is your name?" 9946 "Blossom," she replied. 9947 "What a fitting name," exclaimed Father O'Malley. "And how did your 9948parents come to choose such a pretty name?" 9949 "Well, one day when I was still in my mommy's tummy she was lying 9950under this very tree when a blossom fell and landed on her stomach. She 9951thought it was a message from God and decided that I would be a girl and my 9952name would be Blossom," explained the little girl sweetly. 9953 How charming, thought the priest. He started to say good-bye and 9954walk away, then turned back. "And the name of your little dog?" he 9955inquired. 9956 "Porky," was the child's reply. 9957 Again he asked her how the unusual name had been chosen. 9958 "Because he likes to fuck pigs." 9959% 9960"One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most 9961gorgeous blond chinese girl... I sat beside her... I said 'Hi,' and she 9962said 'Hi,' and then I said 'Nice day, isn't it,' and she said 'Yeah, I 9963guess'... I said 'What do you mean "you guess"?'... she said 'I saw my 9964analyst today and he says I have a problem.'... so I asked 'What's the 9965problem?'... she replied 'I can't tell you, I don't even know you.'... 9966I said 'Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect 9967stranger on a bus.' So she said, 'Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac 9968and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Diane.' I said, 9969'Hello, Diane, my name is Bucky Goldstein.'" 9970 -- Stephen Wright 9971% 9972One day, in a bar, a young man walks in with a little dwarf about one foot 9973tall on his shoulder and orders a beer. The bartender serves the man a beer; 9974to his astonishment, the little guy walks down the man's arm, takes a swallow 9975of the brew and spits it in his face. After a few minutes the customer 9976orders another beer and the exact same thing happens. Well, by this time, 9977the bartender is getting pretty upset; he figures that the man should take 9978care of the dwarf. So he asks the guy, "Why are you letting that guy drink 9979all your beer and spit it in my face?" 9980 "Well, sir, when I was on a contract in Saudi Arabia I met this genie 9981and he granted me three wishes. I asked for a million dollars, the most 9982beautiful woman in the world, and a twelve-inch prick. 9983% 9984One day on a busy street corner a huge, burly looking man walked up to a police 9985officer and asks, "Thcuse me offither, can you tell me where thidee-thid, and 9986thacramento ith?" 9987 The police officer didn't reply at all, but just looked away. 9988 The large man then asked again, but still no reply. After a few more 9989attempts which the police officer studiously ignored, the frustrated man 9990walked away. An onlooking pedestrian then walked up to the officer and asked, 9991"Officer, why didn't you tell that man where thirty-third and Sacramento was?" The police officer replied, 9992 "Thure, thure, and dit the thit ticked out of me!" 9993% 9994One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout 9995were flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of 9996nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down. 9997Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four 9998passengers! Andropov grabbed one of the parachutes and declared 9999"Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must 10000be spared," and he jumped out of the plane. Then Reagan exclaimed "As 10001leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for 10002democracy," and with that he too jumped to safety. Now if you are 10003following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that 10004there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The 10005Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and 10006productive life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's 10007hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but 10008there is no need. Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack." 10009% 10010One evening a guru had coitus 10011With an actress, a whore and a poetess. 10012 When asked what position 10013 He used for coition, 10014He answered serenely, "the loetus." 10015% 10016One evening a guru had coitus 10017With an actress, a whore and a poetess. 10018 When asked what position 10019 He used for coition, 10020He answered serenely, "the lotus." 10021% 10022One fall day, two men were out in the woods hunting. Feeling a sudden need 10023to relieve himself, George went over to a nearby clump of bushes, unzipped 10024his fly, and started in when a poisonous snake lunged out of the bushes and 10025bit him on his penis. Hearing George's howl of pain and fright, his friend 10026Fred came running up and told him to lie still while he used the radio to 10027call a doctor. 10028 "There's only one way to save your friend's life," said the doctor 10029gravely. "If you cut a shallow 'X' over the bite and then suck as much of 10030the poison out as you can, he'll probably be okay, but otherwise there's not 10031much hope." 10032 Hearing Fred's footsteps, George rose weakly up on one elbow and 10033cried out, "Fred, what'd he say? What did the doctor say?" 10034 "George, old friend," said Fred sadly, "he said you're gonna die." 10035% 10036One hundred and one uses for canned peaches. 10037One hundred and two if you plan to eat them. 10038% 10039One man's nightmare is another man's wet dream. 10040% 10041One morning after an evening of particularly heavy drinking, a man awoke 10042and upon rolling over in bed saw one of the ugliest women he had ever 10043seen. As he was about to get out of bed, he looked on the floor and saw 10044another woman even less appealing than the first. Seeing his look of 10045wide-eyed amazement, the woman on the floor snapped, "Don't look at me 10046like that, I was only the bridesmaid." 10047% 10048One night a girl had an affair 10049With a fellow all covered with hair. 10050 His enormous red whang 10051 Gave her a wonderful bang -- 10052She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear. 10053% 10054One night a girl had an affair 10055With a fellow all covered with hair. 10056 Then she picked up his hat 10057 And realized that 10058She'd been had by Smokey the Bear. 10059% 10060One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity 10061to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka. 10062 "The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing, 10063put on one of the ties his mother had brought him, and hurried back. "Look, 10064Mama! Isn't it gorgeous?" 10065 "Mama asked, 'What's the matter? You don't like the other one?'" 10066 -- Leo Rosten, "Hooray For Yiddish" 10067% 10068One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives 10069accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable 10070testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to 10071all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they 10072enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking, 10073 "What trip?" 10074% 10075One of the first things schoolchildren in Texas learn is how to 10076compose a simple declarative sentence without the word "shit" in it. 10077% 10078One of the most expensive things in life 10079is a girl who is free for the evening. 10080% 10081One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God create 10082goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "somebody has to buy retail." 10083 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 10084% 10085One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in. 10086He was good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the 10087following Sunday. 10088 "9:30 okay?" 10089 "Fine," George said, "but I may be a few minutes late." 10090The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that, he played 10091left-handed and beat them. They agreed to meet the following Sunday morning. 10092George was eager to come, but again, mentioned that he might be a few minutes 10093late. The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he 10094played right-handed and beat them again. 10095 "You on for next Sunday, George?" one of the foursome asked. 10096 "Sure," George replied, "but I might be a few..." 10097 Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute... You always say you might 10098be late, but you're always right on time, and you always win, left-handed 10099*or* right-handed." 10100 "Well," George replied, rather sheepishly, "that's true, but see, I'm 10101superstitious. If my wife is sleeping on her right, when I wake up, I play 10102right handed. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left handed." 10103 "What if she's lying on her back?" 10104 George said, "That's when I'm late." 10105% 10106"One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not 10107there should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los 10108Angeles to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded 10109and some virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some 10110cases the crowded and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of 10111each other. Obviously many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. 10112Buying more beaches that people won't go to because they prefer to be 10113crowded together on one beach is a ridiculous waste of our natural 10114resources and our taxes." 10115 -- Ronald Reagan 10116% 10117One should be cherry of virgins. 10118% 10119One thing I have no worry about is whether God exists. But it has 10120occurred to me that God has Alzheimer's and has forgotten we exist. 10121 -- Jane Wagner, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent 10122 Life in the Universe" 10123% 10124One, two, three, four 10125What are we fighting for? 10126Don't ask me I don't give a damn. 10127Next stop is Vietnam. 10128Five, six, seven, eight 10129Open up the pearly gates. 10130Ain't no time to wonder why 10131Whoopie! We're all going to die. 10132 -- Country Joe and the Fish 10133% 10134One who does not know a burro from a burrow does not know 10135his ass from a hole in the ground! 10136% 10137Ooooooh, nooooooo, not tonite!! 10138% 10139Ooops. Gotta run. My dog wants sex. Later. 10140% 10141Operators mount anything! 10142% 10143Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to 10144look at the other guy's. 10145 -- Hal Hickman 10146% 10147OPTIMIST: 10148 A man who makes a motel reservation before a blind date. 10149% 10150ORAL CONTRACEPTIVE: 10151 The word "No". 10152% 10153oral sex, n: 10154 The taste of things to come. 10155% 10156O'Riordan's Theorem: 10157 Brains x Beauty = Constant. 10158 10159Purmal's Corollary: 10160 As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity, 10161availability goes to zero. 10162% 10163Other people don't give you orgasms; you have them, and they help you 10164cash them in. 10165% 10166Ouch mosquito, silent by night, 10167Why pierce my skin, so white? 10168You grow plump, as a leech. 10169Stop! I beseech (in vein). 10170 10171I have no choice. 10172Why waste my voice, 10173When only a slap will do? 10174Ouch, I am bitten! 10175What ho, you are smitten! 10176Yo mosquito, fuck you. 10177 -- Mitchell Peck, "Ouch, Mosquito" 10178% 10179"Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in 10180a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave 10181national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to 10182gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the 10183exorbitant sums demanded. Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem 10184never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real." 10185 -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957 10186% 10187Our readers ask, "Why don't more WASPs go to orgies?" Well, it's really 10188quite simple. They don't want to have to write all those thank-you notes. 10189% 10190Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where 10191the maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to 10192help out in case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second 10193basewoman is a pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, 10194but there's no way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere 10195near her, a male comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal 10196with it. She's been on the team for three seasons now, but the males 10197still don't trust her. They know, deep in their souls, that if she had 10198to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she 10199probably would elect to save the infant's life, without ever 10200considering whether there were men on base. 10201 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" 10202% 10203Our staff proctologist, Dr. Barr, 10204Has invented a new kind of car. 10205 With a tank full of shit 10206 There's no stopping it -- 10207For short trips, two poots take you far. 10208% 10209Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding, 10210In all of the directions it can whiz; 10211As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know, 10212Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is. 10213So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure, 10214How amazingly unlikely is your birth; 10215And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space, 10216'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth! 10217 -- Monty Python, "The Meaning of Life" 10218% 10219Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, 10220 "Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and load your camels, 10221and I will lead you to the promised land." 10222 Not too long ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on 10223your asses, light a Camel, this is the promised land." 10224 Now Nixon is stealing your shovels, kicking your asses, raising 10225the price of Camels, and mortgaging the promised land. 10226% 10227Painters do it with even strokes. 10228% 10229Pardon me, sir, but you've obviously 10230mistaken me for someone who gives a shit. 10231% 10232Passion is that funny feeling that drives a man to 10233bite a woman's neck because she has beautiful legs. 10234% 10235Paying alimony is like pumping gas into another man's car. 10236% 10237Pee-wee Recommends: 10238 10239When Pee-wee Herman was arrested that evening in Sarasota, Florida, 10240the bill at the XXX South Trail Cinema featured: 10241 10242 + Nurse Nancy, starring Sandra Scream 10243 + Turn Up the Heat, starring Savannah 10244 + Tiger Shark, starring Raven 10245% 10246penis envy, n: 10247 The desire to be pink and wrinkled and about four inches long. 10248% 10249People humiliating a salami! 10250% 10251People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world 10252citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time. 10253 -- Norman Cousins 10254% 10255People who live in glass houses should ball in the basement. 10256% 10257People will swim through shit if you put a few bob in it. 10258 -- Peter Sellers 10259% 10260Perhaps at fourteen every boy should be in love with some ideal woman to put 10261on a pedestal and worship. As he grows up, of course, he will put her on 10262a pedestal the better to view her legs. 10263 -- Barry Norman, in "The Listener" 10264% 10265Perplexed, a shy virgin named Plummer 10266Asked, "what's there to do in the summer?" 10267 She declined and declined 10268 Till approached from behind... 10269When her summer turned out quite a bummer! 10270% 10271Persistence, like perspiration, is 99 percent of the fine art of love. 10272% 10273philadelphia flying fuck, n: 10274 Okay, see, he hangs from a chin-up bar with his feet on the arms 10275 of the rocking chair. She crouches in the rocking chair pleasuring 10276 him orally. 10277 10278 [Note: Personally, we've never tried this. If you have, or if 10279 you do, please inform us of the results at Fortune, Box 1597, 10280 Rockville IL. Thank you. Ed.] 10281% 10282Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex. 10283 -- Karl Marx 10284% 10285Physicists do it with charm. 10286% 10287Picking up a man in a bar is like a snowstorm, you never know when 10288he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long'll he'll stay. 10289% 10290pile driver, n: 10291 Local drink; two parts vodka, one part prune juice. 10292% 10293Planned Parenthood: 10294 The emission Control Center. 10295% 10296Playing poker with busty Ms. Ware, 10297He announced as he folded with flair, 10298 "I had four of a kind, 10299 But those aces combined, 10300Don't stack up, I'm afraid, with your pair." 10301% 10302pocket pool, n: 10303 Well, for guys, it's two-ball in the side pocket. 10304 For women, it's playing the slots. 10305% 10306polish fly, n: 10307 You put it in her drink and she begs you to take her bowling. 10308% 10309Politicians do it to everyone. 10310% 10311Pompoir: The most sought-after feminine sexual response of all. 10312 10313'She must... close and constrict the Yoni until it holds the Lingam as with 10314a finger, opening and shutting at her pleasure, and finally acting as the 10315hand of the Gopala-girl who milks the cow. This can be learned only by long 10316practice, and especially by throwing the will into the part affected, even 10317as men endeavor to sharpen their hearing... Her husband will then value her 10318above all other women, nor would he exchange her for the most beautiful 10319queen in the Three Worlds... Among some races the constrictor vaginae muscles 10320are abnormally developed. In Abyssinia for instance, a woman can so exert 10321them as to cause pain to a man, and when sitting on his thighs, she can 10322induce orgasm without moving any other part of her person. Such an artist 10323is called by the Arabs Kabbazah, literally, a holder, and it's not surprising 10324that slave dealers pay large sums for her' Thus Richard Burton. It has 10325nothing to do with 'race' but a lot to do with practice. See exercises. 10326 -- The Joy of Sex 10327% 10328Poor Alice who lived in Corvallis 10329Had heard of, but not seen, the male phallus. 10330 At her first sight of one 10331 She started to run, 10332And last was seen sprinting through Dallas. 10333% 10334Posterity will ne'er survey 10335A nobler grave than this; 10336Here lie the bones of Castlereagh; 10337Stop, traveler, and piss. 10338 -- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh 10339% 10340Postulate #1: Nothing is better than sex. 10341Postulate #2: Masturbation is better than nothing. 10342Conclusion: Masturbation is better than sex. 10343% 10344Pour guerir un acces de fievre 10345Un jeune homme poursuivit un lievre; 10346 Il le prit a son trou, 10347 Et fit faire un ragout 10348Des entrailles et des pattes au genievre. 10349 -- Edward Gorey 10350% 10351Pouring out his troubles to his best friend over a couple of triple martinis, 10352Brad had to confess that things weren't going too well at home. "My wife and 10353I just don't hit it off at night," he was saying to Bart. "I hate to admit 10354it, but I'm afraid I just don't know how to make her happy." 10355 "Hell, boy," said Bart, "there's really nothing to it. Let me 10356give you some advice. At bedtime, switch on a new Sinatra platter, turn 10357all the lights low and spray some perfume around the room. Next, tell 10358your wife to get into her sheerest nightie; then make sure you raise the 10359bottom window." 10360 "Then what do I do?" asked Brad. 10361 "Just whistle." 10362 "Whistle?" 10363 "That's right. I'll be waiting outside the window. When I hear 10364you whistle, I'll come right up and finish the job." 10365% 10366Pregnancy -- the worst sexually transmitted disease of them all. 10367% 10368Pregnancy begins with a single sell. 10369% 10370premature ejaculation, n: 10371 A spoilspurt. 10372% 10373premature ejaculator, n: 10374 Troubled shooter. 10375% 10376Premenstrual Syndrome: 10377 Just before their periods women behave the way men do all the time. 10378% 10379Prince Absalom lay with his sister 10380And bundled and nibbled and kissed her, 10381 But the kid was so tight, 10382 And it was deep night -- 10383Though he shot at the target, he missed her. 10384% 10385Printers do it without wrinkling the sheets. 10386% 10387Prior to this year's Rock & Roll Hall of Fame ceremony, [Cash] went to 10388the bathroom. "I was standing at the urinal, and Keith Richards walked 10389in... He said, 'Look at this, I'm pissing with Johnny Cash. We need a 10390picture of this.' I said, 'No, Keith, we *don't* need a picture of this.'" 10391 -- Rolling Stone interview with Johnny Cash. 10392% 10393Procrastinators do it tomorrow. 10394% 10395Programmers get overlaid. 10396% 10397PROMOTION: 10398 New title, new salary, new office, same old crap. 10399% 10400Prope mare erat tubulator 10401Qui virginem ingrediebatur. 10402 Dessine ingressus 10403 Audivi progressus: 10404Est mihi inquit tubulator. 10405% 10406Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and 10407still come out ahead. 10408% 10409Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. 10410Check three friends. If they're okay, you're it. 10411% 10412Psychiatry is quite similar to prostitution, only less honest. They 10413both promise to make people feel better, but the prostitute doesn't 10414make pretensions that the feelings will last once the client walks 10415out the door. 10416% 10417pubic hair, n: 10418 Organic dental floss. 10419% 10420Puff the Jewish dragon lived in Palestine, 10421And frolicked in the Autumn mist, 10422And drank Manishiewitz wine. 10423Little Rabbi Jacob loved that rascal Puff, 10424And brought him soup and Matzah balls, 10425And other kosher stuff. 10426 10427Then one day it happened, Puff was eating pork. 10428Little Rabbi Jacob took that dragon for a walk. 10429Gently he explained that dragons don't eat meat, 10430That come from little piggies who have dirty filthy feet. 10431% 10432Q: Do you know how to tell a Polack at a cockfight? 10433A: He's the only one with a duck. 10434 10435Q: Do you know how to tell an Aggie at a cockfight? 10436A: He's the only one who bets on the duck. 10437 10438Q: And do you know how to tell the Mafia is at the cockfight? 10439A: The duck wins! 10440% 10441Q: Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz? 10442A: No, but I bet it hurts like hell. 10443% 10444Q: Heard about the <ethnic> who couldn't spell? 10445A: He spent the night in a warehouse. 10446% 10447Q: How can a real man tell when his girl friend's having an orgasm. 10448A: Real men don't care. 10449% 10450Q: How can you tell if a woman is ticklish? 10451A: Give her a couple of test tickles. 10452% 10453Q: How can you tell the bride at a WASP wedding? 10454A: She's the one kissing the golden retriever. 10455% 10456Q: How can you tell when a Polish girl's been sucking cock? 10457A: She has a mouthful of feathers. 10458% 10459Q: How can you tell when a WASP is sexually aroused? 10460A: By the stiff upper lip. 10461% 10462Q: How can you tell when your girlfriend has had an orgasm? 10463A: Who cares? 10464% 10465Q: How did Hellen Keller burn the side of her face? 10466A: She answered the iron. 10467 10468Q: How did she burn the other side of her face? 10469A: They called back. 10470% 10471Q: How do you fit 1000 dead babies into a phone booth? 10472A: Cusinart. 10473 10474Q: How do you get them back out? 10475A: Doritos. 10476% 10477Q: How do you get a woman to stop having sex with you? 10478A: Propose. 10479% 10480Q: How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree? 10481A: Paint his balls red and his toenails green. 10482 10483Q: Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree? 10484A: No -- so it must work pretty well! 10485 10486Q: How did Tarzan die? 10487A: Picking cherries!!! 10488% 10489Q: How do you know when it's time to wash the dishes? 10490A: Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time. 10491% 10492Q: How do you know your elephant had her period? 10493A: There's a nickel on your dresser and your mattress is missing. 10494% 10495Q: How do you make a dead baby float? 10496A: With 2 scoops of dead baby and some rootbeer. 10497% 10498Q: How do you pick up a quarter off of Polk Street? 10499A: Kick it over to Van Ness. 10500% 10501Q: How do you tell if two elephants have been making love in 10502 your backyard? 10503A: Your Hefty trashcan liners are missing. 10504% 10505Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, 10506 or an airline stewardess? 10507A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." 10508 A schoolteacher says: "We're just going to have to do this over 10509 and over again until we get it right." 10510 An airline stewardess says: "Just place this over your mouth and 10511 nose and breathe normally." 10512 10513... and bank tellers say "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal." 10514... and saleswomen say "Thank you, come again soon!" 10515... and WASP's say "Do you have that in a bigger size?" 10516... and piano teachers say "Keep those fingers arched! TEMPO! TEMPO!" 10517% 10518Q: How do you tell that your roommate's gay? 10519A: When his cock tastes like shit. 10520% 10521Q: How does a girl know she's sleeping with a Computer Scientist? 10522A: It isn't hard. 10523% 10524Q: How does a mink get babies? 10525A: The same way babies get minks. 10526% 10527Q: How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American? 10528 10529A: Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of 10530 speech, but under the United States constitution they are 10531 guaranteed freedom after speech. 10532 10533 -- being told in Poland, 1987 10534% 10535Q: How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo? 10536A: Three, one to eat it, and two to watch for traffic. 10537% 10538Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb? 10539A: Three, but they're really only one. 10540% 10541Q: How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10542A: NONE! AND THAT'S NOT FUNNY!! 10543 10544Q: How many Radcliffe girls does it take to change a light bulb? 10545A: It's "Women"... AND IT'S NOT FUNNY!! 10546% 10547Q: How many gradual (sorry, that's supposed to be "graduate") students 10548 does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10549A: "I'm afraid we don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my 10550 advisor a $30,000 grant of the taxpayer's money, and I'm sure he 10551 can tell me how to do the shit work for him so he can take the 10552 credit for answering this incredibly vital question." 10553% 10554Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 10555A: Ten. One to do it, and nine to talk about how gratifying it was 10556 without a man. 10557% 10558Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, 10559 what would Cheetah have been? 10560A: A fur coat. 10561% 10562Q: What can you use used tampons for? 10563A: Tea bags for vampires. 10564% 10565Q: What did Jesus tell the Aggies? 10566A: Play dumb until the second coming. 10567% 10568Q: What did the little ghetto-dweller get for Christmas? 10569A: Your bicycle. 10570% 10571Q: What do a walrus and a tupperware container have in common? 10572A: They both like a tight seal. 10573% 10574Q: What do elephants use instead of tampons? 10575A: Sheep. Well, they used to, anyway. There have been so many cases 10576 of Toxic Flock Syndrome recently that their ewes has been discouraged. 10577 10578Q: Why do elephants have trunks? 10579A: Sheep don't have strings. 10580% 10581Q: What do two WASPs say after making love? 10582A: Thank you very much. It'll never happen again. 10583% 10584Q: What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadriplegic Virginian? 10585A: Trustworthy. 10586% 10587Q: What do you call a nun who has had a sex change operation? 10588A: A transistor. 10589% 10590Q: What do you call a truck load of vibrators? 10591A: Toys for twats. 10592% 10593Q: What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through 50 feet 10594 of garden hose? 10595A: Darling. 10596 [Often? Ed.] 10597% 10598Q: What do you call couples that use that rhythm method? 10599A: Parents. 10600% 10601Q: What do you do if an Irishman throws a pin at you? 10602A: Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!! 10603% 10604Q: What do you get when you cross a computer and a JAP? 10605A: A computer that won't go down. 10606% 10607Q: What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a prostitute? 10608A: Your last blowjob. 10609% 10610Q: What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole? 10611A: A thirty foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone! 10612% 10613Q: What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey? 10614A: Well, most of the time you get an onion with big ears, but every 10615 once in a while you get a piece of ass that will bring tears to 10616 your eyes... 10617% 10618Q: What do you have if you have a moth ball in one hand and a 10619 moth ball in the other hand? 10620A: One hell of a big moth! 10621% 10622Q: What do you say to a New Yorker with a job? 10623A: Big Mac, fries and a Coke, please! 10624% 10625Q: What do you say to a Puerto Rican in a three-piece suit? 10626A: Will the defendant please rise? 10627% 10628Q: What does friendship among Soviet nationalities mean? 10629A: It means that the Armenians take the Russians by the hand; the 10630 Russians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukrainians take 10631 the Uzbeks by the hand; and they all go and beat up the Jews. 10632% 10633Q: What goes 10634 Click. "Did I get it?" 10635 Click. "Did I get it?" 10636 Click. "Did I get it?" 10637 Click. "Did I get it?" 10638A: Stevie Wonder doing the Rubik's Cube. 10639% 10640Q: What goes green, red, green, red, pink, pink, pink? 10641A: A frog in a blender. 10642 10643Q: What do you get if you add 2 eggs to it?? 10644A: Frognogg. If you drink it, you croak. 10645% 10646Q: What goes red, white, red, white, pink, pink, pink? 10647A: Baby in a blender. 10648 10649Q: Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first? 10650A: So you can watch the expression on its little face. 10651% 10652Q: What is green and comes in Brownies? 10653A: Boy Scouts. 10654% 10655Q: What is Smoorplay? 10656A: What Smurfs do before they smuck! 10657% 10658Q: What is the difference between snow-men and snow-women? 10659A: Snowballs! 10660% 10661Q: What's a JAP's (Jewish American Princess) dream house? 10662A: Fourteen rooms in Scarsdale, no kitchen, no bedroom. 10663% 10664Q: What's a WASP's idea of open-mindedness? 10665A: Dating a Canadian. 10666% 10667Q: What's black and white and red all over and can't go through 10668 revolving doors? 10669A: A nun with a javelin through her head. 10670% 10671Q: What's black and white and red all over? 10672A: Half a nun. 10673% 10674Q: What's buried in Grant's tomb? 10675A: A corpse. 10676% 10677Q: What's hard going in and soft and sticky coming out? 10678A: Chewing gum. 10679% 10680Q: What's invisible and smells like carrots? 10681A: Bunny farts. 10682% 10683Q: What's meaner than a pit bull with AIDS? 10684A: The guy that gave it to him. 10685% 10686Q: What's more fearsome than a grizzly bear with AIDS? 10687A: The guy he got it from. 10688% 10689Q: What's red and covered with little dents? 10690A: Snow White's cherry. 10691% 10692Q: What's the contour integral around Western Europe? 10693A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe! 10694 10695Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they 10696 are removable! 10697 10698Q: An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his 10699 very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God? 10700A: Yes, up to isomorphism! 10701 10702Q: What is a compact city? 10703A: It's a city that can be guarded by finitely many near-sighted 10704 policemen! 10705 -- Peter Lax 10706% 10707Q: What's the difference between a cocker spaniel and a doberman 10708 pinscher humping your leg? 10709A: You let the doberman finish. 10710% 10711Q: What's the difference between a dog and a fox? 10712A: About four drinks. 10713% 10714Q: What's the difference between a Fairy Tale, and a War Story? 10715A: Nothing, except Fairy Tales start off with "Once upon a time". 10716 War Stories start off with "No shit, this really happened". 10717 10718 [I thought Fairy Tales started off, "Honey, I'm gonna be at the 10719 office a little late, tonight... Ed.] 10720% 10721Q: What's the difference between a JAP and a baby elephant? 10722A: About 10 pounds. 10723 10724Q: How do you make them the same? 10725A: Force feed the elephant. 10726% 10727Q: What's the difference between a man and a toilet? 10728A: A toilet doesn't follow you around for a week after you flush it. 10729% 10730Q: What's the difference between a man and the weekend? 10731A: The weekend never comes too soon. 10732% 10733Q: What's the difference between a sorority girl and a fast car? 10734A: Not everyone's been in a fast car. 10735% 10736Q: What's the difference between erotic and kinky? 10737A: Erotic is when you use a feather. Kinky is when you use 10738 the whole bird... 10739% 10740Q: What's the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon 10741 and Ronald Reagan? 10742A: One always told the truth, one always lied, and one can't tell the 10743 difference. 10744% 10745Q: What's the difference between hard and dark? 10746A: It stays dark all night. 10747% 10748Q: What's the difference between the 1950's and the 1980's? 10749A: In the 80's, a man walks into a drugstore and states loudly, "I'd 10750 like some condoms," and then, leaning over the counter, whispers, 10751 "and some cigarettes." 10752% 10753Q: What's the last thing that goes through a grasshopper's mind when 10754 he hits your windshield? 10755A: His ass. 10756 10757Q. What's the second-to-last thing to go through a grasshopper's 10758 mind when he hits your windshield? 10759A. Oh, SHIT!! 10760% 10761Q: What's white and crawls up your leg? 10762A: Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice. 10763% 10764Q: What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper? 10765A: Getting fingered by Captain Hook! 10766% 10767Q: Where does Catwoman go for a good time? 10768A: To the batpoles, Robin! 10769% 10770Q: Why are babies born with soft spots on their heads? 10771A: So you can pick 'em up five at a time. 10772% 10773Q: Why are Unix emulators like your right hand? 10774A: They're just pussy substitutes! 10775% 10776Q: Why can't Hellen Keller have children? 10777A: Because she's dead. 10778% 10779Q: Why did Captain Kirk piss on the bridge? 10780A: He wanted to boldly go where no man had gone before! 10781% 10782Q: Why did God invent booze? 10783A: So ugly men could get laid too. 10784% 10785Q: Why did Hellen Keller go all the way on her first date? 10786A: She'd never been taught to say no. 10787% 10788Q: Why did Menachem Begin invade Lebanon? 10789A: To impress Jodie Foster. 10790% 10791Q: Why did Ted Kennedy report the accident 8 hours after Mary 10792 Jo Kopechne drowned? 10793A: Do you have any idea how hard it is to dress a woman underwater? 10794% 10795Q: Why do dogs lick their private parts? 10796A: Because they can. 10797% 10798Q: Why do ducks have webbed feet? 10799A: To stamp out forest firest. 10800 10801Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet? 10802A: To stamp out flaming ducks. 10803% 10804Q: Why do men die before their wives? 10805A: They want to. 10806% 10807Q: Why do men marry women? 10808A: You can't teach sheep to do housework. 10809% 10810Q: Why do mice have such small balls? 10811A: Very few of them know how to dance! 10812% 10813Q: Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? 10814A: Because a sheep can hear the sound of a zipper from fifty feet away. 10815 -- Iain MacKintosh, Glasgow folksinger 10816% 10817Q: Why do WASP's play golf ? 10818A: So they can dress like pimps. 10819% 10820Q: Why do women have vaginas? 10821A: So when they're drunk, you can carry them like a six-pack. 10822% 10823Q: Why do women love Pacman? 10824A: Only place you can get eaten three times for a quarter. 10825% 10826Q: Why does an elephant have 4 feet? 10827A: Because 8 inches isn't enough. 10828% 10829Q: Why don't blind people skydive? 10830A: It scares the dogs! 10831 10832Q: How can a blind skydiver tell when he is near the ground? 10833A: The leash goes slack. 10834% 10835Q: Why is it that Mexico isn't sending anyone to the '84 summer games? 10836A: Anyone in Mexico who can run, swim or jump is already in LA. 10837% 10838Q: Why is Poland just like the United States? 10839 10840A: In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in 10841 Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever 10842 you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland. 10843 10844 -- being told in Poland, 1987 10845% 10846Q: Why is Sister Pat the way she is? 10847A: Because when she was 16, a group of boys tied her up and 10848 gang-rejected her. 10849% 10850Q: Why was Cinderella banished from the Magic Kingdom? 10851A: For sitting on Pinocchio's face and screaming, "Tell the truth! 10852 Tell a lie! Tell the truth! Tell a lie!" 10853% 10854Q: What's the difference between VMS and PMS? 10855 10856A1: PMS is only a problem for some people. 10857A2: PMS is only a problem for part of the month. 10858A3: The drugstore has remedies for PMS. 10859A4: People with PMS get sympathy. 10860A5: People with PMS don't wish they were UNIX. 10861% 10862Q: How do you play religious roulette? 10863A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck 10864 by lightning first. 10865% 10866Q: How do you tell if an elephant has been making love in your 10867 backyard? 10868A: If all your trashcan liners are missing ... 10869% 10870Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, 10871 or an airline stewardess? 10872A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." A schoolteacher says: 10873 "We're going to have to do this over and over again until we get it 10874 right." An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your 10875 mouth and nose, and breath normally." 10876% 10877Q: How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb? 10878A: Two. One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the 10879 screwing began. 10880% 10881Q: How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb? 10882A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself. 10883% 10884Q: How much money do you give to a 900 foot Jesus? 10885A: As much as he wants. 10886% 10887Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah 10888 be? 10889A: A fur coat. 10890% 10891Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls? 10892A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino. 10893% 10894Q: What do you get when you cross James Dean with Ronald Reagan? 10895A: A rebel without a clue. 10896% 10897Q: What is "SMOORPLAY"? 10898A: It's what SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course! 10899% 10900Q: What is the worst story Helen Keller ever read? 10901A: A cheese grater. 10902% 10903Q: What's Jewish foreplay? 10904A: Two hours of begging. 10905% 10906Q: Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep? 10907A: Fredrick's of Ithaca, New York. 10908% 10909Q: Where does virgin wool come from? 10910A: Ugly sheep. 10911% 10912Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand? 10913A: So she can moan with the other! 10914% 10915Q: What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night? 10916A: Stay awake and wonder if there's a dog. 10917% 10918Q: What's the difference between a hold-up and a stick-up? 10919A: Age. 10920% 10921Q: What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer? 10922A: The taste. 10923% 10924Q: What's the difference between "Oooh" and "Aaah"? 10925A: About three inches. 10926% 10927Q: Why did the epileptic cross the road? 10928A: He couldn't help it. 10929 10930Q: What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub? 10931A: Throw in the dirty clothes and some laundry detergent. 10932% 10933Q: Why do dogs lick their balls? 10934A: 'Cause they can! 10935 10936(Real answer: 'Cause they can't curl their little paws into fists...) 10937% 10938Q: Why do elephants wear springs on their feet? 10939A: So they can jump into trees and rape mice. 10940 10941Q: What is the most fearsome sound in the world to a mouse? 10942A: BOING!! BOING!! BOING!! 10943% 10944QOTD: 10945 "... was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort-of 10946 Sun-God robes, on a pyramid, with a thousand naked women screaming 10947 and throwing little pickles at you? ... Why am I the only one 10948 who has that dream?" 10949% 10950QOTD: 10951 "Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?" 10952% 10953QOTD: 10954 "Do you smell something burning or is it me?" 10955 -- Joan of Arc 10956% 10957QOTD: 10958 "Even the Statue of Liberty shaves her pits." 10959% 10960QOTD: 10961 "He's on the same bus, but he's sure as hell got a different 10962 ticket." 10963% 10964QOTD: 10965 "He's so egotistical he yells his own name when he comes." 10966% 10967QOTD: 10968 "I don't give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut." 10969% 10970QOTD: 10971 I get girls because of who I am... a rapist. 10972% 10973QOTD: 10974 I met her [his fiance] over lunch on Thursday. She had a firm 10975 grip. He's a lucky man. 10976% 10977QOTD: 10978 "I never met a man I couldn't drink handsome." 10979% 10980QOTD: 10981 I own my own body, but I share. 10982% 10983QOTD: 10984 "I say, and without apology, hang the bitch." 10985% 10986QOTD: 10987 "I used to beat off so much in the shower, I'd get a hard on every 10988 time it rained." 10989% 10990QOTD: 10991 "I was a fifty-four-year-old virgin, but I'm all right now." 10992% 10993QOTD: 10994 I won't say he's unsavory, but for his birthday he bought himself 10995 a pair of velcro gloves. 10996% 10997QOTD: 10998 "I'd crawl a mile over burning desert sand just to kiss the dick of 10999 the guy who screwed her last." 11000% 11001QOTD: 11002 "I'd drag my dick a mile over broken glass just to masturbate in 11003 her shadow!" 11004% 11005QOTD: 11006 It *was* wonderfully polite of me. Usually I call the kind of 11007 cretinous dipshit that pisses me off a ``fucking asshole.'' 11008 -- Richard Sexton 11009% 11010QOTD: 11011 "It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten 11012 who gets tied up." 11013% 11014QOTD: 11015 "Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing!" 11016% 11017QOTD: 11018 Men come in four sizes -- small, medium, large, and "You're 11019 going to put that thing *where*?" 11020% 11021QOTD: 11022 My penis is better than corn, because corn doesn't squeal when 11023 you stick those little prongs into it. 11024 -- Mark-Jason Dominus 11025% 11026QOTD: 11027 No, honey, I've never been circumsized; it's simply wear and tear. 11028% 11029QOTD: 11030 "One day, I'd like to wake up in the morning to find that every gay 11031 and lesbian has lavender skin. On that morning, I will be -- mauve." 11032% 11033QOTD: 11034 Sex is like everything else. To get it done right, do it yourself. 11035% 11036QOTD: 11037 She began coming, making noises like a small animal in pain. 11038 Ouch! Ow! My paw! Ouch!! 11039% 11040QOTD: 11041 "She was so tough she rolled her own tampons." 11042% 11043QOTD: 11044 Talk about willing people... over half of them are willing to work 11045 and the others are more than willing to watch them. 11046% 11047QOTD: 11048 "The difference between dark and hard is... it stays dark 11049 all night." 11050% 11051QOTD: 11052 "The marines and I have something in common; we're both looking for 11053 a few good men!" 11054% 11055QOTD: 11056 "The only real difference between men and women is that men are 11057 crabby all month long." 11058% 11059QOTD: 11060 "Well, let's say she's friendly. Last year she was the Herpes 11061 Poster Girl." 11062% 11063QOTD: 11064 "What would the world be like without men? A lot of fat, 11065 happy women." 11066% 11067QOTD: 11068 "When she hauled ass, it took three trips." 11069% 11070QOTD: 11071 "Whhoooooooeeeeeeeeeee, Elmer! Take a look at that purty young lady 11072 over thar! Why, I'd walk a mile barefoot over barbed wire and broken 11073 glass just to drive the truck that takes her panties to the cleaners!" 11074% 11075QOTD: 11076 "Whip me, beat me, come all over me, tell me you love me. 11077 Then get the fuck out." 11078% 11079QOTD: 11080 "You might as well say "yes", the sheets are messy already." 11081% 11082"Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in 11083exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must 11084devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate 11085from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to 11086Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are 11087weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be 11088reached for comment, but we chose not to listen." 11089 -- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live" 11090% 11091quickie, n: 11092 A moment's piece. 11093% 11094quickie, n: 11095 No sooner spread than done. 11096% 11097Ralph: Lisa, you have no tits and a awful tight pussy. 11098Lisa: Ralph... get off my back!! 11099% 11100Randel, n.: 11101 A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an apology 11102for farting at a friend. 11103 -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and 11104 Preposterous Words 11105% 11106Raquel Welch: 36-24-36 11107Bo Derek: 35-24-36 11108Ann-Margaret: 37-25-36 11109Bette Middler: 37-25-36 11110Marilyn Monroe: 37-24-37 11111Jane Russell: 39-27-38 11112Jayne Mansfield: 40-23-37 11113Sophia Loren: 37-25-36 11114% 11115Rating women on the Budweiser scale; the number 11116of Clydesdales it would take to pull you off her. 11117% 11118Reach out and fuck someone. 11119% 11120Readers Ask: 11121 Is it possible to kill a vampire with a gun? 11122 11123Vampires are a source of great irritation to the average homeowner and it is 11124usually to one's advantage to remove these pests as rapidly as possible. If 11125a professional exterminator specializing in the undead is unavailable, it is 11126possible to handle the situation with common household items. However, much 11127of the common folklore of vanquishing the undead needs clarifying. First, 11128driving a sharpened Louisville Slugger through a vampire's heart will NOT kill 11129it. Since it's not quite alive, why would the heart be any different than 11130puncturing it in the, for example, left buttock? Stake driving should be 11131avoided at any cost since its effect will be to terribly annoy the vampire, 11132and the last thing you want on your hands is an irate Lord of Darkness. 11133Handguns are also a definite no-no. Common sense indicates that it requires 11134more to defeat an incarnation of evil than hurling lumps of lead or silver 11135through its body. One time-honored method is to expose the vampire to the 11136sun, sever its head (any power saw should be sufficient), fill its mouth with 11137holy wafers (vanilla wafers over which the Lord's prayer has been read will 11138do in a pinch), immerse the head in an urn filled with holy water, place the 11139urn in consecrated lands and bury the rest of the body underneath a crossroad 11140(i.e. the intersection of Broad & Chestnut). Sure, it's a lot of work. But 11141you'll never have to worry about those damn bats pestering the neighbors again. 11142% 11143Reagan can't _a_c_t, either. 11144% 11145real buddy, n: 11146 Someone who'll go downtown and get two blowjobs, and come back 11147 and give you one. 11148% 11149real class, adj: 11150 When you're by yourself, fart, and say "Excuse me." 11151% 11152Real fur: the ultimate sadist symbol. 11153% 11154Reformed, n: 11155 A synagogue that closes for the Jewish holidays. 11156% 11157rejection, n: 11158 When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep. 11159% 11160Religion is fine, Churchianity sucks. 11161% 11162Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over. 11163 -- Frank Zappa 11164% 11165Remember, when preparing a dish for bedtime, 11166champagne is the best tenderizer. 11167% 11168Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only 11169sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's 11170changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't 11171grow out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up 11172liking pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to 11173do with the other. 11174 -- Jules Feiffer 11175% 11176Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in this 11177country. The remainder is thrown out. 11178% 11179Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows. 11180Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes. 11181 11182Democrats eat the fish they catch. 11183Republicans hang them on the wall. 11184 11185Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican 11186girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first. 11187 11188Democrats make up plans and then do something else. 11189Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made. 11190 11191Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA. 11192The remainder is thrown out. 11193 11194Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms. 11195That is why there are more Democrats. 11196 -- The Official Rules, as compiled by Paul Dickson 11197% 11198Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom 11199any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't. 11200% 11201Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was sadly, shaking his head. 11202 "What's the matter, buddy?", inquired the bartender. 11203 "Well," replied the customer, "while I was in the men's room, I saw 11204someone had scribbled `Wendy gives really fabulous head; absolutely the best 11205blow job in the world!' on the wall." 11206 "Ahh, hell," said the bartender. "Don't give it a second thought, 11207we get jerks in here like anywhere else." 11208 "I know," snarled the headshaker. "One of them scratched out the 11209phone number!" 11210% 11211Revenge is sleeping with your enemy's wife. 11212Sweet revenge is the realization that she's a lousy lay. 11213% 11214rodeo fuck, n: 11215 When you lean down and whisper in your lover's ear, "Honey, you're 11216 the worst piece of ass I've ever had!". And then try to stay on 11217 for seven seconds... 11218% 11219Rogue players do it with all sorts of different animals. 11220% 11221Roland was a warrior, from the land of the midnight sun, 11222With a Thompson gun for hire, fighting to be done. 11223The deal was made in Denmark, on a dark and stormy day, 11224So he set out for Biafra, to join the bloody fray. 11225Through sixty-six and seven, they fought the Congo war, 11226With their fingers on their triggers, knee deep in gore. 11227Days and nights they battled, the Bantu to their knees, 11228They killed to earn their living, and to help out the Congolese. 11229 Roland the Thompson gunner... 11230His comrades fought beside him, Van Owen and the rest, 11231But of all the Thompson gunners, Roland was the best. 11232So the C.I.A decided, they wanted Roland dead, 11233That son-of-a-bitch Van Owen, blew off Roland's head. 11234 Roland the headless Thompson gunner... 11235Roland searched the continent, for the man who'd done him in. 11236He found him in Mombasa, in a bar room drinking gin, 11237Roland aimed his Thompson gun, he didn't say a word, 11238But he blew Van Owen's body from there to Johannesburg. 11239The eternal Thompson gunner, still wandering through the night, 11240Now it's ten years later, but he stills keeps up the fight. 11241In Ireland, in Lebanon, in Palestine, in Berkeley, 11242Patty Hearst... heard the burst... of Roland's Thompson gun, and bought it. 11243 -- Warren Zevon, "Roland the Headless Thompson Gunner" 11244% 11245Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo 11246% 11247Rosenberg wanted to leave the country. 11248"And what is *your* reason?" asks the official at the Passport Office. 11249"I am told a pogrom is being prepared. Against the Jews and the barbers," 11250 replies Rosenberg. 11251"Why the barbers?" 11252"Everybody asks that question. That's why I want to leave." 11253% 11254Roses on your piano isn't nearly as good as tulips on your organ. 11255% 11256Rugby is a game played by men with peculiarly shaped balls. 11257% 11258rugby, n: 11259 A sport requiring leather balls. 11260% 11261Rumour has it that the intrepid New Zealanders have finally discovered 11262two new uses for sheep. Meat and wool. 11263% 11264Runners do it alone. 11265% 11266Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11267 11268(1) The greatest threat to the human spirit is liberalism. 11269 11270 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11271% 11272Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11273 11274(10) Liberalism poisons the soul. 11275 11276 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11277% 11278Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11279 11280(11) Neither the United States, nor anyone else, "imposes" freedom on 11281 the people of other nations. Freedom is not an imposition. 11282 11283 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11284% 11285Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11286 11287(12) Freedom is God-given. 11288 11289 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11290% 11291Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11292 11293(13) To dictatorships, peace means the absence of opposition. 11294 11295 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11296% 11297Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11298 11299(14) To free people, peace means the absence of threat. 11300 11301 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11302% 11303Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11304 11305(15) The Peace Movement in the United States was, whether by accident or 11306 design, pro-communist. 11307 11308 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11309% 11310Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11311 11312(16) The collective knowledge and wisdom of seasoned citizens is the 11313 most valuable, yet untapped, resource our young people have. 11314 11315 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11316% 11317Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11318 11319(17) The greatest football team in the history of civilization was the 11320 Pittsburgh Steelers of 1975 through 1980. 11321 11322 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11323% 11324Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11325 11326(18) There is no such thing as "war atrocities." War is an atrocity. 11327 11328 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11329% 11330Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11331 11332(19) Regardless of the pain in our memories, nostalgia only reminds us 11333 of the good times in our past. 11334 11335 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11336% 11337Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11338 11339(2) The single greatest threat to the free people of the world is posed 11340 by the heinous idea of centralized government control. 11341 11342 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11343% 11344Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11345 11346(20) There is a God. 11347 11348 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11349% 11350Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11351 11352(21) Abortion is wrong. 11353 11354 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11355% 11356Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11357 11358(22) Morality is not defined by individual choice. 11359 11360 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11361% 11362Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11363 11364(23) Evolution cannot explain creation. 11365 11366 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11367% 11368Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11369 11370(24) Feminism was established so that unattractive women could have 11371 easier access to the mainstream of society. 11372 11373 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11374% 11375Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11376 11377(25) Love is the only human emotion which cannot be controlled. You 11378 either do or you don't. You can't fake it. (Except women, and 11379 thank God they can.) 11380 11381 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11382% 11383Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11384 11385(26) The only difference between Mikhail Gorbachev and previous Soviet 11386 leaders is that he is alive. 11387 11388 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11389% 11390Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11391 11392(27) Soviet leaders were actually left-wing dictators. 11393 11394 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11395% 11396Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11397 11398(28) Abraham Lincoln saved this nation. 11399 11400 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11401% 11402Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11403 11404(29) The Los Angeles Raiders will never be the team they were when they 11405 called Oakland home. 11406 11407 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11408% 11409Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11410 11411(3) Peace does not mean the elimination of nuclear weapons. 11412 11413 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11414% 11415Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11416 11417(30) The United States will again go to war. 11418 11419 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11420% 11421Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11422 11423(31) To more and more American intellectuals, a victorious United States 11424 is a sinful United States. 11425 11426 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11427% 11428Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11429 11430(32) The fact that American intellectuals rue a victorious United States 11431 is frightening and ominous. 11432 11433 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11434% 11435Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11436 11437(33) There will always be poor people. 11438 11439 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11440% 11441Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11442 11443(34) The fact that there will always be poor people is not the fault of 11444 the rich. 11445 11446 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11447% 11448Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11449 11450(35) Rather than feel guilty as some do, you should thank God for making 11451 you an American. 11452 11453 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11454% 11455Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11456 11457(4) Peace does not mean the absence of war. 11458 11459 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11460% 11461Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11462 11463(5) War is not obsolete. 11464 11465 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11466% 11467Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11468 11469(6) Ours is a world governed by the aggressive use of force. 11470 11471 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11472% 11473Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11474 11475(7) There is only one way to eliminate nuclear weapons. Use them. 11476 11477 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11478% 11479Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11480 11481(8) Peace cannot be achieved merely by developing an "understanding" 11482 among peoples. 11483 11484 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11485% 11486Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life: 11487 11488(9) Americans opposing America is not always sacred nor courageous ... 11489 it is sometimes dangerous. 11490 11491 -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc. 11492% 11493Said a dainty young whore named Ms. Meggs, 11494"The men like to spread my two legs, 11495 Then slip in between, 11496 If you know what I mean, 11497And leave me the white of their eggs." 11498% 11499Said a decadent wench of Bombay : 11500"This has been a most wonderful day. 11501 Three cherry tarts, 11502 At least twenty farts, 11503Two shits, and a bloody fine lay." 11504% 11505Said a girl who upon her divan 11506Was attacked by a virile young man: 11507 "Such excess of passion 11508 Is quite out of fashion" 11509And she fractured his wrist with her fan. 11510 -- Edward Gorey 11511% 11512Said a happy young man of Fort Drum : 11513"What care I for this shortage of gum? 11514 My favorite chew 11515 Is a condom or two, 11516With a goodly amount of fresh come." 11517% 11518Said a horny young girl from Milpitas, 11519"My favorite sport is coitus." 11520 But a fullback from State 11521 Made her period late, 11522And now she has athlete's fetus. 11523% 11524Said a lecherous fellow named Shea, 11525When his prick wouldn't rise for a lay, 11526 "You must seize it, and squeeze it, 11527 And tease it, and please it, 11528For Rome wasn't built in a day." 11529% 11530Said a lesbian lady, "It's sad; 11531Of all the girls that I've had, 11532 None gave me the thrill 11533 Of real rapture until 11534I learned how to be a tribade." 11535% 11536Said a madam named Mamie La Farge 11537To a sailor just off of a barge, 11538 "We have one girl that's dead, 11539 With a hole in her head-- 11540Of course there's a slight extra charge." 11541% 11542Said a modest young miss to de Sade, 11543I'm simply too shy and afraid 11544 To take part in your pranks. 11545 But to show you my thanks, 11546I'd just love to become your first aide. 11547% 11548Said a pornographistic young poet 11549"Although I perhaps do not show it, 11550 My interest in sin 11551 Is wearing quite thin, 11552And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it." 11553% 11554Said a swinging young chick named Lyth 11555Whose virtue was largely a myth, 11556 "Try as hard as I can, 11557 I can't find a man 11558That it's fun to be virtuous with." 11559% 11560Said crew girl Angelica Bauer : 11561"The captain's withdrawn, cold, and sour." 11562 Uhura said, "No, 11563 At night that's not so-- 11564He doesn't withdraw for an hour." 11565% 11566Said Einstein, "I have an equation 11567Which to some may seem rabelaisian: 11568 Let _V be virginity 11569 Approaching infinity; 11570Let _P be a constant persuasion; 11571 11572"Let _V over _P be inverted 11573With the square root of _M_u inserted 11574 _N times into _V ... 11575 The result, Q.E.D., 11576Is a relative!" Einstein asserted. 11577% 11578Said Francesca, "My lack of volition 11579Is leading me straight to perdition; 11580 But I haven't the strength 11581 To go to the length 11582Of making an act of contrition." 11583 -- Edward Gorey 11584% 11585Said President Jobcock one day : 11586"War's better than love, I should say. 11587 Instead of a virgin, 11588 It's murder I'm urgin'-- 11589You get lots more blood that-a-way." 11590% 11591Said sneering Mohammed el-Din : 11592"Only infidel dogs put it in. 11593 Back home in Arabia 11594 We nibble the labia 11595Till the juice dribbles off of our chin." 11596% 11597Said the cunt-lapping Bey of Algiers, 11598In a cunt halfway up to his ears : 11599 "This nautch is delicious, 11600 And without doubt nutritious. 11601She's my best-tasting wife in ten years!" 11602% 11603Said the Duchess of Danzer at tea, 11604"Young man, do you fart when you pee?" 11605 I replied with some wit, 11606 "Do you belch when you shit?" 11607I think that was one up for me. 11608% 11609Said the nun as the bishop withdrew, 11610"This must be our final adieu, 11611 For the vicar is slicker, 11612 And thicker, and quicker, 11613And two inches longer than you." 11614% 11615Saint Peteer was once heard to boast 11616That he'd had all the heavenly host : 11617 The Father and Son, 11618 And then - just for fun - 11619The hole in the Holy Ghost. 11620% 11621Sam Lefkovitz is having an intimate party to celebrate his thirty 11622immensely profitable years in the construction business. 11623 "You know," he laments to his friends, "over the years I have 11624constructed dozens of enormous projects in and around this city, but 11625am I known as Sam the Builder? No. 11626 And over the years I have contributed literally millions of 11627dollars to charitable causes of one sort or another, but am I called 11628Sam the Philanthropist? No sir! 11629 But suck one little cock..." 11630% 11631San Francisco: 11632 A nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to tie my shoelaces 11633 there. 11634% 11635San Francisco is my kind of city, 11636Where the women are strong and the men are pretty. 11637% 11638Save a forest - eat a beaver! 11639% 11640Save a mouse, eat a pussy! 11641% 11642Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!! 11643% 11644Save the whales. Club a seal instead. 11645% 11646Says an airlining wanton named Vi: 11647"I'm a pantyless stew when I fly. 11648 To a muffer's delight, 11649 I'll take head on a flight, 11650So the guy can have pie in the sky." 11651% 11652"Scott, baby," the sexually aggressive girl murmured as she guided 11653her date's finger to her clitoris, "This bud's for you." 11654% 11655Scratch the average female and you'll find a purring bundle... at the 11656ready to love and honor, bake a torte and still produce quintuplets. 11657 -- Edgar Berman 11658% 11659SDW/M, 35, offers French lessons for ladies. 11660If you desire fluency in the French tongue, 11661this cunning linguist can lick your problem. 11662 11663Fortune -- P.O. Box 478 11664% 11665Seems like there were these two dogs in a vet's waiting room, each eyeing 11666the other suspiciously. One of them turns to the other. 11667 "What are you here for?" he asks. 11668 "Well," replies the other, "I was feeling really bad the other day, 11669and Master's six year old son started bothering me. I tried to ignore it, 11670but I was feeling so rotten that I bit his hand." 11671 "Yeah, I now what you mean. So, what are you here for?" 11672 "Erm ... well ... Master reckons that I'm too vicious, so I'm going 11673to be ... you know ... I'm going to have the *operation*." 11674 "Oh. Well, I'm sorry," sympathized the first dog. 11675 Time passed. The about-to-be-neutered dog coughed politely. 11676 "So," he asked, "What are you in here for?" 11677 "Oh, nothing really," the other replied, embarrassed. 11678 "Go on, I told you, it *can't* be as bad!" 11679 "OK. Well, it's like this. The bitch next door was in heat, and so 11680I was feeling, you know, a bit randy. Then Mistress came into the kitchen 11681wearing a short skirt and no underwear, and she bent over. I just couldn't 11682resist it!" admitted the dog. 11683 "Oh! So you're here for the operation too!" 11684 "No," came the reply, "I'm here to have my nails clipped!" 11685% 11686Seems like these four rabbis had a series of theological arguments, and three 11687were always in accord against the fourth. One day, the odd rabbi out, with 11688the usual "3 to 1, majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost 11689again, decided to appeal to a higher authority. "Oh, God!" he cried. "I 11690know in my heart that I am right and they are wrong! Please show me a sign, 11691so they too will know that I understand Your laws." 11692 It was a beautiful, sunny day. As soon as the rabbi finished his 11693plaint, a storm cloud moved across the sky above the four. It rumbled once 11694and dissolved. "A sign from God! See, I'm right, I knew it!" But the other 11695three disagreed, pointing out that stormclouds form on hot days. 11696 So he asked again: "Oh, God, I need a bigger sign to show that I am 11697right and they are wrong. So please, God, a bigger sign." 11698 This time four stormclouds appeared, rushed toward each other to form 11699one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning knocked down a tree ten feet away from 11700the rabbis. The cloud dispersed at once. "I told you I was right!" insisted 11701the loner, but the others insisted that nothing had happened that could not 11702be explained by natural causes. 11703 The insisting rabbi is all ready to ask for a *very big* sign when 11704just as he says "Oh God..." the sky turns pitch black, the earth shakes, and 11705a deep, booming voice intones, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!" 11706 The sky returns to normal. The one rabbi puts his hands on his hips 11707and snarls, "Well?" "Okay, okayyyy," replied another, "so now it's 3 to 2!" 11708% 11709Seems like this guy is hitting up on a woman in a bar. After assiduously 11710pursuing her for several minutes, she leans forward and tells him that he's 11711a nice guy and all that, but, well, that she's a lesbian. Confused, he asks 11712her what that means. 11713 "Well," she replies, "you see that woman at the corner table?" 11714 "Yeah..." 11715 "I'd like to walk over to her, and unbottom her blouse." 11716 "Yeah..." 11717 "And then I'd like to kiss her and suck on her nipples... and 11718then I'd like to take off her skirt... and run my hand over her thighs..." 11719 "Right! Right!" interrupts the guy. "I think I'm a lesbian too!" 11720% 11721Seems there was this traveling salesman who wandered into a brothel and 11722asked the madam for a woman who would give him the absolutely worst blow-job 11723imaginable. Not horny, just homesick. 11724% 11725Seems this guy notices a young nun sitting on the bus; through her heavy veil 11726he just spots a glimmer of her face. Gorgeous! She moves, and her vestments 11727cannot hide the fact she has a truly phenomenal body. The guy gets more and 11728more excited until he finally approaches the nun and tells "Sister, please 11729believe me, I don't normally do this sort of thing, but I think I love you. 11730Could we maybe talk?" 11731 The nun almost runs off the bus. As the young man's stop comes up, 11732the bus driver asks the guy if he was the person bothering the nun. The man 11733starts apologizing, but the bus driver interrupts him. "No, don't apologize, 11734I was checking her out myself. Listen, you see where she got on? She goes 11735there every day, to a little park. Why don't you meet here there?" 11736 Sure enough, the man goes to the park the next day and there's the nun 11737in a secluded grove of trees. He approaches her, and she seems, although shy, 11738much more willing to talk. After an hour of cautious talk, he asks her if 11739she'd be willing to make love with him. She blushes, smiles, blushes again 11740and says "yes". But that she doesn't dare risk getting pregnant, so it would 11741have to be the "back door". 11742 As they start to make love, the young man is overcome with guilt; 11743panting, he says, "Sister, I have to tell you, I'm the guy who was annoying 11744you on the bus yesterday. 11745 Replies the nun, "Well, that's okay. I'm not really a nun. I'm 11746actually the bus driver." 11747% 11748Seems to me that both the Democrats and the Republicans should change their 11749symbols to a contraceptive device; it stands for inflation, inhibits 11750production, protects a bunch of pricks and gives everyone a false sense of 11751security while they're being screwed. 11752% 11753Self-abuse is the most certain road to the grave. 11754 -- Dr. George M. Calhoun, 1855 11755% 11756SEMINARS: 11757 From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion. 11758% 11759Send lawyers, guns, and money, 11760The shit has hit the fan. 11761 -- Warren Zevon 11762% 11763Sensible and responsible women do not want to vote. 11764 -- Grover Cleveland, 1905 11765% 11766Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood handcuffed 11767in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If this is the way Queen 11768Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she doesn't deserve to have 11769any." 11770% 11771Sex and drugs and UNIX. 11772% 11773Sex and mathematics have one thing in common. 11774You can do each while thinking about the other. 11775% 11776Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got. 11777 -- Sophia Loren 11778% 11779Sex is a biological function; kissing is a commitment. 11780% 11781Sex is better than grass, if you have the right pusher. 11782% 11783Sex is dirty, but only if you do it right. 11784% 11785Sex is great, 11786Sex is grand, 11787Sex around here, 11788Is mostly by hand. 11789% 11790Sex is just one damp thing after another. 11791% 11792Sex is like a bridge game -- If you have a good hand no partner is 11793needed. 11794% 11795Sex is low in calories, and *oooh* that aftertaste! 11796% 11797Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved. 11798% 11799Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. 11800% 11801Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation ... the other eight 11802are unimportant. 11803 -- Henry Miller 11804% 11805Sex is the poor man's opera. 11806 -- George Bernard Shaw 11807% 11808Sex is what women have and men want. 11809% 11810Sex; it's always best when one partner is at least a little bit desperate. 11811% 11812SEX-CHANGE NUN BECOMES TV WRESTLER!!! 11813 details at 11! 11814% 11815Shamus: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the 11816temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. A shamus is at 11817the bottom of the pecking order of synagogue functionaries, and there's 11818a joke about that: 11819 11820A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the middle of a 11821service, 11822 "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" 11823The cantor, not to be bested, also cries out, 11824 "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" 11825The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, 11826 "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" 11827The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, 11828 "Look who thinks he's nobody!" 11829% 11830Share and enjoy, share and enjoy. 11831Journey through life with a plastic boy or girl by your side. 11832Let your pal be your guide. 11833And when it breaks down or starts to annoy, 11834 or grinds when it moves and gives you no joy, 11835 'cause it digs up your hat, 11836 or has sex with your cat, 11837 sprays oil on your wall or rips off your door, 11838 and you get to the point you can't stand any more. 11839Bring it to us, we won't give a shit. 11840We'll tell you: "Go stick your head in a pig". 11841% 11842She Ain't Much to See, but She Looks Good Through the Bottom of a Glass 11843If Fingerprints Showed Up On Skin, I Wonder Who's I'd Find On You 11844I'm Ashamed to be Here, but Not Ashamed Enough to Leave 11845It's Commode Huggin' Time In The Valley 11846If You Want to Keep the Beer Real Cold, Put It Next to My Ex-wife's Heart 11847If You Get the Feeling That I Don't Love You, Feel Again 11848I'm Ashamed To Be Here, But Not Ashamed Enough To Leave 11849It's the Bottle Against the Bible in the Battle For Daddy's Soul 11850My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Miss Him 11851Don't Cut Any More Wood, Baby, 'Cause I'll Be Comin' Home With A Load 11852I Loved Her Face, But I Left Her Behind For You 11853 -- proposed Country-Western song titles 11854% 11855She asked me if I loved her still. "Yes," I replied. "I've never had 11856you any other way." 11857% 11858She begged and she pleaded for more. 11859I said, "We've already had four, 11860 And I'm sure that you've heard, 11861 Though it's somewhat absurd, 11862That eros spelt backwards is sore." 11863% 11864She called her parakeet Onan, because he spilled his seed. 11865 -- Dorothy Parker 11866% 11867She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic 11868candidates for president. 11869 -- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", on feminist 11870 Elizabeth Gould Davis 11871% 11872She made a thing of soft leather, 11873And topped off the end with a feather. 11874 When she poked it inside her 11875 She took off like a glider, 11876And gave up her lover forever. 11877% 11878She never liked zippers, she said, 11879Until she opened one in bed. 11880% 11881She stood there and peeled off her clothes, 11882And begged for a bang : goodness knows 11883 I am surely impure 11884 And I sizzled to scrure, 11885But the push had gone out of my hose. 11886% 11887She was a farmer's daughter but she couldn't keep her calves together. 11888% 11889She was coming round the mountain doin' ninety, 11890When the chain on her motorcycle broke, 11891 Now she's lying in the grass, 11892 With the muffler up her ass, 11893And her tits a-playin' Dixie on the spokes. 11894% 11895She was only: 11896 a coal digger's daughter, but she'll always be mine. 11897 a statistician's daughter, but she knew all the standard deviations. 11898 a wrestler's daughter, but you should have seen her box. 11899 a moonshiner's daughter, but I loved her still. 11900 a chimney sweep's daughter, but she sure knew how to haul ash. 11901 a fireman's daughter, but her face was a cause for alarm. 11902 a banker's daughter, but she opened her drawers for cash. 11903% 11904She was peeved, and called her beau "Mr." 11905Not because, when she came in, he kr., 11906 But she knew, just before 11907 She opened the door, 11908This same Mr. had kr. sr. 11909% 11910She was wearing a very tight skirt, and when she tried to board the Fifth 11911Avenue bus she found she couldn't lift her leg. She reached back and 11912unzipped her zipper. It didn't seem to do any good, so she reached back 11913and unzipped it again. Suddenly the man behind her lifted her up and put 11914her on the top step. 11915 "How dare you?" she demanded. 11916 "Well, lady," he said, "by the time you unzipped my fly for the 11917second time I thought we'd become good friends." 11918% 11919She wasn't what one could call pretty 11920And other girls offered her pity, 11921 So nobody guessed 11922 That her Wasserman test 11923Involved half the men in the city. 11924% 11925She's fine, upstanding, and wonderful laying down. 11926% 11927She's looking for: He's looking for: Foreplay: 119281957 Someone who'll go Her: Finding a place to put 11929Mr. Nice Guy all the way her gum 11930 Him: Wondering which word would 11931 best describe her breasts 11932 to the guys 11933 119341967 Someone who's got The first ten minutes 11935Mr. Natural rolling papers and of "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida" 11936 will go all the way 11937 119381977 Someone who'll go Testing the batteries 11939Mr. Goodbar all the way in leg 11940 warmers and a leather 11941 face mask 11942 119431987 Someone who's never Examination of the genitalia 11944Mr. Clean gone all the way in under the magnifying glass 11945 San Francisco that Grandma used for needle- 11946 point before she passed away 11947 -- Michael Corcoran, "National Lampoon", October 1987 11948% 11949She's the kind of woman you could fall madly in bed with. 11950% 11951Shit happens. 11952% 11953Shopping at this grody little computer store at the Galleria for a 11954totally awwwsome Apple. Fer suuure. I mean Apples are nice you 11955know? But, you know, there is this cute guy who works there and HE 11956says that VAX's are cooler! I mean I don't really know, you know? 11957He says that he has this totally tubular VAX at home and it's stuffed 11958with memory-to-the-max! Right, yeah. And he wants to take me home 11959to show it to me. Oh My God! I'm suuure. Gag me with a Prime! 11960% 11961Short man who dance with tall woman gets bust in mouth. 11962% 11963Shouted Frosty the Snowman "Hooray! 11964I'm agog with excitement today! 11965 And the reason of course, 11966 A reliable source, 11967Said the snow blower's heading this way!" 11968% 11969Showerbath: Natural venue for sexual adventures -- wash together, make love 11970together: only convenient overhead point in most apartments or hotel rooms 11971to attach a partner's hands. Don't pull down the fixture, however -- it 11972isn't weightbearing. See Discipline. 11973 -- The Joy of Sex 11974% 11975Sighed a neat little package named Annie : 11976"I've the tits and the twat and the fanny, 11977 Plus the yen, but the men 11978 Only call now and then-- 11979Can it be I've B.O. in my cranny?" 11980% 11981Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper. 11982% 11983Sixteen'll get you twenty. 11984% 11985Size counts. 11986% 11987small, adj: 11988 Is it in yet? 11989% 11990Smoking a woman is like kissing a fish. 11991% 11992Sniff sniff... Hey! Who farted? 11993% 11994Snow White: 11995 "Gee guys, I've always dreamed of getting ten inches... 11996 but not an inch-and-a-half at a time! 11997% 11998"Snyder's got a stiff ticket," said Kay, 11999"Come on, take it out, and let's play." 12000 He pulled it on out, 12001 But she started to pout, 12002His ticket was only a quarter-inch stout. 12003% 12004So, good night, you moonlit ladies, 12005Rock-a-bye sweet baby James. 12006Deep greens and blues are the colors I choose, 12007Won't you let me go down in my dreams? 12008And rock-a-bye sweet baby James. 12009 -- James Taylor, "Rock-a-bye Sweet Baby James" 12010% 12011So here was this fellow of Strensall 12012Whose pecker was shaped like a pencil, 12013 Anemic, 'tis true, 12014 But an interesting screw, 12015Inasmuch as the tip was prehensile. 12016% 12017So, how's your love life? 12018Still holding your own? 12019% 12020So... if you could choose any nose in the whole wide world, 12021which one would you pick? 12022% 12023So it's ai yi yi yi, 12024Your mother scores more than Wayne Gretzky! 12025So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse, 12026And waltz me around by my willie! 12027 12028 There once was a man from Nantucket! 12029 Whose cock was so long he could suck it! 12030 He said with a grin, 12031 As he wiped off his chin, 12032 If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it! 12033 12034So it's ai yi yi yi, 12035Your sister does squat thrusts on flag poles! 12036So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse, 12037And waltz me around by my willie! 12038 12039 There once was a young man from Boston! 12040 Who drove around town in an Austin! 12041 There was room for his ass, 12042 And a gallon of gas, 12043 So he hung out his balls and he lost 'em! 12044% 12045So it's ai yi yi yi, 12046Your sister swims out to meet troop ships! 12047So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse, 12048And waltz me around by my willie! 12049 12050 There once was a man from Racine! 12051 Who invented a screwing machine! 12052 Both concave and convex, 12053 It could please either sex, 12054 But, oh, what a bastard to clean! 12055 12056So it's ai yi yi yi, 12057Your girlfriend douches with Drano! 12058So sing me another verse that worse than the other verse, 12059And waltz me around by my willie! 12060 12061 One night a girl had an affair! 12062 With a fellow all covered with hair! 12063 His enormous red whang, 12064 Gave her a wonderful bang -- 12065 She'd been diddled by Smokey the bear! 12066% 12067So this elderly couple were sitting in their tiny cold water flat on the 12068lower East Side when the husband said, "Doris, we're in bad shape. Inflation 12069has eaten up our Social Security check. The next one isn't due for a week 12070and we've got no money left for food." 12071 "Could I do anything to help?" she asked. 12072 "Yes," he said. "I hate to see you do this but it's the only way. 12073You're going to have to go out and hustle." 12074 "Me?" she asked. "At the age of sixty-five?" 12075 "It's the only way," he said. 12076Resigned to the situation, she went out into the warm night. She came 12077staggering in early the next morning. 12078 "How did you do?" asked the husband. 12079 "Here," she said, "I've got four dollars and ten cents." 12080 "Four dollars and ten cents," he said . "Who gave you the ten cents?" 12081 "Everybody," she said. 12082% 12083So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse is, our 12084standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the 1950s, when 12085I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was considered just 12086about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever showed was women's 12087breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts would have provided adequate 12088shelter for a family of four, but the overall effect was no more explicit 12089than many publications we think nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's 12090Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue. 12091 -- Dave Barry 12092% 12093So this traveling salesman got an audience with the Pope. 12094 "Hey, father," he said, "have you heard the joke about the two 12095Polacks who --" 12096 "My son," the Pope reminded him, "I'm Polish." 12097The salesman thought for a moment. 12098 "That's okay, Father," he said. "I'll tell it very slowly." 12099% 12100So you fucked up... you trusted us! 12101 -- Animal House 12102% 12103So, your daughter was voted "Most Likely to Conceive", 12104and you're still drinking ordinary scotch? 12105% 12106Social interaction can be fatal. Come to Irvine and live forever. 12107% 12108Sodomy, fellatio, cunnilingus, pederasty, 12109Father, why do these words sound so nasty? 12110 -- Hair 12111% 12112Sodomy is a pain in the ass. 12113% 12114SOFTWARE: 12115 Formal evening attire for female computer analysts. 12116% 12117Some companies idea of playing ball is, you play ball with us, 12118and we'll stick the fucking bat up your ass. 12119% 12120Some Harvard men, stalwart and hairy, 12121Drank up several bottles of sherry; 12122 In the Yard around three 12123 They were shrieking with glee: 12124"Come on out, we are burning a fairy!" 12125 -- Edward Gorey 12126% 12127Some of the greatest love affairs I've known have involved one actor, 12128unassisted. 12129 -- Wilson Mizner 12130% 12131Some of the management around here are the final proof that the Indians 12132fucked the buffalo. 12133% 12134Some people seem to think that "damn" is God's last name. 12135% 12136Some women achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust into them. 12137% 12138Some women are like musical glasses. 12139To keep them in tune they must be wet. 12140 -- Samuel Coleridge 12141% 12142Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs. 12143 -- Noel Coward 12144% 12145Something better... 12146 1214713 (sympathetic): Oh, What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God? 1214814 (complementary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to 12149 perch on. 1215015 (scientific): Say, does that thing there influence the tides? 1215116 (obscure): Oh, I'd hate to see the grindstone. 1215217 (inquiry): When you stop to smell the flowers, are they afraid? 1215318 (french): Say, the pigs have refused to find any more truffles until you 12154 leave. 1215519 (pornographic): Finally, a man who can satisfy two women at once. 1215620 (religious): The Lord giveth and He just kept on giving, didn't He. 1215721 (disgusting): Say, who mows your nose hair? 1215822 (paranoid): Keep that guy away from my cocaine! 1215923 (aromatic): It must be wonderful to wake up in the morning and smell the 12160 coffee ... in Brazil. 1216124 (appreciative): Oooo, how original. Most people just have their teeth 12162 capped. 1216325 (dirty): Your name wouldn't be Dick, would it? 12164 -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne" 12165% 12166Sometimes guys'll say to you, "Have a good one." I say, "I already have 12167a good one. Now I'm looking for a longer one." 12168 -- George Carlin 12169% 12170Sometimes, you just gotta say "What the fuck." 12171 -- Risky Business 12172% 12173Sooner or later, generals will own you. 12174% 12175Sorry 'bout that sweat, honey. That's just holy water. 12176 -- Little Richard 12177% 12178SPINSTER: 12179 Unlusted number. 12180% 12181Starkle, starkle, little twink, 12182Who the hell you are I think 12183I'm not as drunk as thinkle peep 12184I'm just a little slort of sheep. 12185Tee martoonis make a guy, 12186Feel so woozy, I don't know why. 12187So mass the pixer and kill my fup 12188I've all day sober to sunday up. 12189% 12190Statisticians do it with 95% confidence. 12191% 12192Statisticians do it with 95 percent confidence. 12193% 12194Statisticians probably do it. 12195% 12196Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me!!! 12197% 12198Stockmayer's Theorem: 12199 If it looks easy, it's tough. 12200 If it looks tough, it's damn well impossible. 12201% 12202STRAPLESS EVENING GOWN: 12203 Bust truster. 12204% 12205stress, n: 12206 The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's 12207 desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who 12208 desperately needs it. 12209% 12210Subpoena, n.: 12211 From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male 12212organ or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls." 12213% 12214Success has many fathers, but failure is a bastard. 12215% 12216Success is like a fart -- only your own smells nice. 12217 -- James P. Hogan 12218% 12219successful cunnilingus: 12220 When you wake up the next morning with a face like a 12221 frosted doughnut. 12222% 12223SUGAR DADDY: 12224 A man who can afford to raise cain. 12225% 12226Support the right of unborn males to bear arms! 12227 -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly, 12228 the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle 12229 Association 12230% 12231Sure, and of course I would vote for a woman for president! 12232Quite naturally, we wouldn't have to pay her so much. 12233% 12234Sure banking is Biblical! 12235 12236How about when Onan received a substantial penalty for early withdrawal? 12237Or when Pharaoh's daughter went into the bulrushes and came out with a 12238little prophet? And it was Moses who led the Children of Israel to the 12239Banks of the Jordan! 12240% 12241Sure eating yoghurt will improve your sex life. People 12242know that if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything. 12243% 12244Sure eating yogurt will improve your sex life. People know that if 12245you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything. 12246% 12247Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. But what if he 12248forgets? 12249% 12250swallow, v: 12251 The (blew) bird of birth control. 12252% 12253Systems people do it with a small, but clean, interface. 12254% 12255Take a look around you, tell me what you see, 12256A girl who thinks she's ordinary lookin' she has got the key. 12257If you can get close enough to look into her eyes 12258There's something special right behind the bitterness she hides. 12259 And you're fair game, 12260 You never know what she'll decide, you're fair game, 12261 Just relax, enjoy the ride. 12262Find a way to reach her, make yourself a fool, 12263But do it with a little class, disregard the rules. 12264'Cause this one knows the bottom line, couldn't get a date. 12265The ugly duckling striking back, and she'll decide her fate. 12266 (chorus) 12267The ones you never notice are the ones you have to watch. 12268She's pleasant and she's friendly while she's looking at your crotch. 12269Try your hand at conversation, gossip is a lie, 12270And sure enough she'll take you home and make you wanna die. 12271 (chorus) 12272 -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Fair Game" 12273% 12274Taoism: Shit Happens. 12275Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit Happens". 12276Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit. 12277Hinduism: This shit has happened before. 12278Protestantism: Shit happens, but it happens to someone else. 12279Catholicism: Shit happens, but you deserved it. 12280Judaism: Why does shit always happen to US? 12281% 12282"Taxes should hurt. I just mailed my own tax return last night and I 12283am prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone." 12284 -- Ronald Reagan 12285% 12286TAXIDERMIST: 12287 A man who mounts animals. 12288% 12289Teaching undergraduates is like herding sheep. And, like the old Basque 12290sheepherder explained, whenever the livestock starts looking good to you, 12291it's time to spend a night in town. 12292% 12293tear leather: 12294 To become excited, as in the sentence "Robin Hood tore 12295 his leather jerkin' off." 12296% 12297tearing off a quicky: 12298 Gunning the jump. 12299% 12300Teddy Kennedy: A Blond in Every Pond! 12301% 12302Teen-age prostitution: the problem is mounting! 12303% 12304Television is a whore. Any man who wants her full favors can have them 12305in five minutes with a pistol. 12306 -- Hijacker, quoted in "Esquire" 12307% 12308Tell you what," the haberdasher said to a persistent job applicant. "I've 12309got one suit I can't sell -- that purple, green and yellow number over there. 12310If you can make that sale, you've not only got the job, you've got it for 12311life." 12312 Then the store owner left for lunch. When he returned, he was shocked 12313to see the young man's clothes in tatters and his hands and face bleeding. 12314 "My God, what happened to you?" 12315 "I sold the suit! I sold the suit!" the young man shouted, a smile 12316on his bloodied lips. 12317 "Congratulations," the haberdasher said. "You've got the job. But 12318what happened? Did the customer start a fight?" 12319 "Oh, no," the new salesman replied. "But his Seeing Eye dog was 12320*pissed*." 12321% 12322Tequila my girl, is deceiving: 12323Take two at the very most. 12324Take three and you're under the table, 12325Take four and you're under the host. 12326% 12327Test makers do it: 12328 A: sometimes 12329 B: always 12330 C: never 12331 D: none of the above. 12332% 12333TEXAN: 12334 A wet-back that didn't make Oklahoma. 12335% 12336Thank God for the Duchess of Gloucester, 12337She obliges all who accost her. 12338 She welcomes the prick 12339 Of Tom, Harry or Dick, 12340Or Baldwin, or even Lord Astor. 12341% 12342That girl could suck the chrome off a bumper. 12343% 12344That Harvard don down at El Djim -- 12345Oh, wasn't it nasty of him, 12346 With the whole harem randy, 12347 The sheik himself handy, 12348To muss up a young camel's quim. 12349% 12350That naughty old Sappho of Greece 12351Said: "What I prefer to a piece 12352 Is to have my pudenda 12353 Rubbed hard by the enda 12354The little pink nose of my niece." 12355% 12356That reminds me of a friend of mine who went north to work on the Alaskan 12357pipeline. Before he went up there, he was just a skinny little runt. When 12358he got back, he was a husky fucker. 12359% 12360The abbess of a nunnery was instructing a group of novices on the house rules 12361of her particular order. The indoctrination period, which went on for hours, 12362began with "No washing of undies in the founts," and ended with "Lights out at 12363nine. Candles out at ten." 12364% 12365The acrobats - Tom and Louise- 12366Do an act in the nude on their knees. 12367 They crawl down the aisle 12368 While screwing dog-style, 12369As the orchestra plays Kilmer's "Trees." 12370% 12371"The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled 12372at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains." 12373 -- Dave Barry 12374% 12375The attractive and grief-stricken widow had been living in seclusion at the 12376home of her deceased husband's younger brother for several weeks. One evening, 12377when she could no longer control her emotions, she barged into her brother-in- 12378law's study and pleaded, "James, I want you to take off my dress." Shyly, 12379the brother-in-law did as she requested. "Now," she continued, "take off my 12380slip." He again complied. "And now," she said, with a slight blush, "remove 12381my panties and bra." Once more James obeyed her command. 12382 Then, regaining her composure, she stared directly at the young man 12383and boldly announced, "I have only one more request, James. Don't ever let 12384me catch you wearing my things again." 12385% 12386The babe, with a cry brief and dismal, 12387Fell into the water baptismal; 12388 Ere they'd gathered its plight, 12389 It had sunk out of sight, 12390For the depth of the font was abysmal. 12391 -- Edward Gorey 12392% 12393The bedsprings next door jounce and creak : 12394They have kept me awake for a week. 12395 Why do newlyweds 12396 Select squeaky beds 12397To develop their fucking technique? 12398% 12399The best way to cut off a cat's tail is to repossess his Jaguar. 12400% 12401The Bible says that woman was the last thing God made. 12402Evidently He made her on Saturday night. She reveals his fatigue. 12403 -- Dumas 12404% 12405The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that 12406sex for money usually costs a lot less. 12407 -- Brendan Francis 12408% 12409The bishop of Alexandretta 12410Loved a girl and he couldn't forget her. 12411 So he thought he'd enshrine her 12412 As the Holy Vagina 12413In the Church of the Sacred French Letter. 12414% 12415The blacksmith told me before he died, 12416And I have no reason to believe that he lied, 12417That no matter how he tried, 12418His wife was never satisfied! 12419 12420And so he built a bloody great wheel, 12421Harnessed to a cock of steel, 12422Two balls of brass were filled with cream, 12423And the whole damn thing was driven by steam. 12424 12425Round and round went the bloody great wheel, 12426In and out went the cock of steel, 12427Till at last the maiden cried, 12428"Enough! Enough! I am satisfied!" 12429 12430And now we come to the crucial bit -- 12431There was no way of stopping it. 12432And she was split from hole to hole, 12433And the whole fucking thing was covered in shit... 12434% 12435The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening, as 12436they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said, 12437 "Before we go any further, Charmaine, tell me -- do you have 12438any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?" 12439 "As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot 12440fetish -- but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches." 12441% 12442The bottom-up approach always gets me buggered. 12443 -- Sidney J. Hurtubise 12444% 12445The boys in the Epperson family all acquired fine educations except for Edward. 12446They made him go to school, but most of the time he just ignored what was said 12447there. Yet there were rare moments when he could display a bit of curiosity. 12448 One day Edward was sitting at home looking at a magazine, and he said 12449to his brilliant older brother, Hud, he said, "Hud, what does fox pass mean?" 12450 Brother Hud gave the question some deep consideration and then said, 12451"You must mean _faux_pas_." 12452 "The way it's spelled," said dumb Ed, "it's fox pass." 12453 Hud took a look at the way it was spelled and then said, "It's a French 12454phrase -- it means a social blunder. Remember last Sunday when the Bishop came 12455for dinner? Mother took him out in the garden and they were looking over the 12456roses when the Bishop got stuck on the thumb by a thorn. It was bleeding quite 12457a bit so Mother brought him in the house. They went into the bathroom together 12458and stayed quite a while, and when they came out we all went to the dinner 12459table. Remember all that, Ed?" 12460 "Yeh." 12461 "Now," Hud continued, "you recall that I was just getting to pass 12462the gravy when Mother said, 'Bishop, does your prick still throb?' The gravy 12463bowl flew out of my hands and hit the table, and the gravy splattered all 12464over everyone. And just at that point you, Brother Edward, you hollered, 12465'Sheee-itt!' You remember that?" 12466 "Yeh." 12467 "Well, when you hollered 'Sheee-itt!' that was a _faux_pas_." 12468% 12469The bustard's a remarkable fowl 12470With surely no reason to growl 12471 He escapes what would be 12472 Illegitimacy 12473By the grace of a fortunate vowel. 12474% 12475The butcher, the baker, the candlestick make her, why can't I? 12476% 12477The computer is the ultimate polluter: its shit is indistinguishable 12478from the food it produces. 12479% 12480The country girl who became a city madam 12481has obviously gone from rags to rigids. 12482% 12483The cruelest of creatures' the crab 12484With claws that can pinch you or stab, 12485 And then when you dine 12486 On crab and white wine 12487It gets you as well with the tab. 12488% 12489The difference between a lawyer and a rooster is that 12490the rooster gets up in the morning and clucks defiance. 12491% 12492The difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball 12493is that you can only get three fingers in a bowling ball. 12494% 12495The difference between graffiti and philosophy is the word "fuck". 12496% 12497The difference between her and the Titanic is that only 1100 men 12498went down on the Titanic. 12499% 12500The difference between like and love is the 12501same as the difference between a spit and a swallow. 12502% 12503The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the 12504cactus has the pricks on the outside. 12505% 12506The difference between women and girls 12507is as much as twenty years in some states. 12508% 12509The Dowager Duchess of Spout 12510Collapsed at the height of a rout; 12511 She found strength to say 12512 As they bore her away: 12513"I should never have taken the trout." 12514 -- Edward Gorey 12515% 12516The ecumenical movement has reached a milestone with the agreement on the 12517text of the first Jewish-Catholic prayer -- one that begins "Oy vay, Maria". 12518% 12519The Enterprise crew when off work 12520Will fuck like an Ottoman Turk. 12521 Uhura the Zulu 12522 Is shcked up with Sulu, 12523And Spock shares a crew girl with Kirk. 12524% 12525The Enterprise girls, so one hears, 12526Have chased Spock for several years. 12527 His look of disdain 12528 Has spared them great pain, 12529For his prick is as sharp as his ears. 12530% 12531The fearless old bishop of Brest 12532Put his faith in the Lord to the test. 12533 He fucked whores in the apse 12534 With chancres and claps, 12535But first they were sprinkled and blessed. 12536% 12537The first child of a Mrs. Keats-Shelley 12538Came to light with its face in its belly; 12539 Her second was born 12540 With a hump and a horn, 12541And her third was as shapeles as jelly. 12542 -- Edward Gorey 12543% 12544The first time we slept together she drove a recreational vehicle into 12545the bedroom. 12546 -- Richard Lewis 12547% 12548The five-alarm fire had been raging out of control for hours, pouring thick, 12549black smoke over the street. At last the blaze was under control and the 12550fire chief began accounting for his men. Two were missing, so he ordered 12551a search. Captain Kelly finally rounded a fire truck parked in an alley 12552and found, to his shock, one fireman with his trousers down leaning over a 12553garbage can and another fireman screwing him in the ass. 12554 "What's the meaning of this!", the captain roared. 12555 "Jones here had passed out from smoke inhalation," the fireman on 12556top panted. 12557 "You're supposed to give mouth to mouth resuscitation for that!" 12558the captain yelled. 12559 "I know. That's what started this," the fireman replied. 12560% 12561The Fortune Travel Agency offers a special... Vacation in Hell! 12562 -- Grace Kelly drives you to the airport. 12563 -- Thurman Munson flies you to a remote tropical island. 12564 -- Ted Kennedy's your chauffeur on the island. 12565 -- You go yachting with Natalie Wood. 12566 -- You have drinks with William Holden. 12567 -- And Roman Polanski stays at home and watches your kids. 12568% 12569The fucking ain't worth the fighting. 12570% 12571The genital area of Ann 12572Will accommodate any size man, 12573 From the wee that cause titters 12574 To the mighty twat-splitters 12575That cause screams peasants hear in Japan. 12576% 12577The girls that go to see a man's etchings 12578may not know art, but they know what they like. 12579% 12580The good doctor had been an inspiration to the jungle natives. He had cured 12581their sick and taught them the religious and moral values of his own England. 12582He was loved and respected by every native in the village, but on this 12583particular afternoon the chief was obviously troubled as he entered the 12584doctor's hut. "You live among my people long time now," said the chief. 12585"You tell us not right for a man and girl to be close together before 12586marriage and we believe what you say. This morning white child born to 12587woman in village. You only white man in jungle. What I tell my people?" 12588 The doctor smiled and led the chief to a window. "My son," he said, 12589"I'll won't attempt to give you a full scientific explanation for the 12590phenomenon known as an albino. But look at the flock of sheep upon that 12591hill. Every one is snow white except one. The white baby born to the 12592woman in your village means nothing more or less than that one black sheep 12593in the white flock. It is simply one of nature's mysterious accidents." 12594 The black chief became embarrassed and looked at his feet. "OK, doc," 12595he said. "You no tell -- I no tell." 12596% 12597The good news is that the horse is dead, but your mother's pregnant. 12598% 12599The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it. 12600 -- Truman Capote 12601% 12602The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of statistics. 12603These are raised to the nth degree, the cube roots are extracted, and the 12604results are arranged into elaborate and impressive displays. What must be 12605kept ever in mind, however, is that in every case, the figures are first 12606put down by a village watchman, and he puts down anything he damn well 12607pleases. 12608 -- Sir Josiah Stamp 12609% 12610The greatest lies of all time: 12611 (1) I love you. 12612 (2) This won't hurt a bit. 12613 (3) The Mercedes is paid for. 12614 (4) The check is in the mail. 12615 (5) I was just going to call you. 12616 (6) I've always worn cowboy boots. 12617 (7) I swear I won't come in your mouth. 12618 (8) Of course I'll respect you in the morning. 12619 (9) We have a really challenging assignment for you. 12620 (10) I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you. 12621% 12622The Grecians were famed for fine art, 12623And buildings and stonework so smart. 12624 They distinguished with poise 12625 The men from the boys, 12626And used crowbars to keep them apart. 12627% 12628The hacker as a mate/lover and the signs of trouble: 12629 12630-- The morning after note reads: 12631 Whiting, Barbara: 12632 I enjoyed last night. We really interfaced. You looked so cute 12633 I wanted to byte your ear. 12634-- He believes Steve Wozniak offered the Apple to Adam. 12635-- The people he tries to emulate are five years his junior. 12636-- The last straw: 12637 Once again, your date has lost all track of time debugging a new 12638 program and shows up an hour late. 12639 12640 You Don't...: 12641 Make nasty asides regarding his 5-1/4 inch floppy. 12642 You Do...: 12643 Remind him that "going down" doesn't necessarily 12644 indicate a malfunction. 12645% 12646The harder they come, the more important it is to have 12647an extra-firm mattress. 12648% 12649The honest female orgasm is three to fifteen rhythmic contractions of the 12650outer third of the vagina at .8 second intervals, which is approximately 12651the beat of Surfing Safari" by the Beach Boys. Unless these contractions 12652occur, you can regard her groaning, moaning, clawing, kicking, begging for 12653mercy, and shouting filthy religious epithets as bargain-basement histrionics. 12654 -- John Hughes, National Lampoon 12655% 12656The honeymoon is over when a quickie before dinner refers to a short drink. 12657% 12658The hope that springs eternal 12659Springs right up your behind. 12660 -- Ian Drury, "This Is What We Find" 12661% 12662The hungover couple dawdled over a midafternoon breakfast, after a 12663particularly wild all-night party held in their fashionable apartment. 12664 "Dearest, this is rather embarrassing," said the husband, "but 12665was it you I made love to in the library last night?" 12666 His wife looked at him reflectively and then asked, "About what 12667time?" 12668% 12669The husband was disturbed by his wife's indifferent attitude towards him 12670and the marriage counselor suggested he try being more aggressive in his 12671lovemaking. 12672 "Act more like a romantic lover and less like a bored spouse," he 12673was advised. "When you go home, make love to her as soon as you meet -- 12674even if it's right inside the front door." 12675 At the next consultation, the adviser was pleased to hear that the 12676husband had followed his instructions. "And how did she react this time?" 12677the consultant asked. 12678 "Well, to tell you the truth," the husband replied, "she was still 12679sort of indifferent. But one thing I've got to admit: her bridge club went 12680absolutely wild!" 12681% 12682The husband wired home that he had been able to wind up his business trip a 12683day early and would be home on Thursday. When he walked into his apartment, 12684however, he found his wife in bed with another man. Furious,he picked up his 12685bag and stormed out. He met his mother-in-law on the street, told her what 12686had happened and announced that he was filing for divorce in the morning. 12687 "Give my daughter a chance to explain before you take any action," 12688the older woman pleaded. Reluctantly, he agreed. 12689 An hour later his mother-in-law phoned the husband at his club. 12690"I knew my daughter would have an explanation," she said, a note of triumph 12691in her voice. "She didn't receive your telegram!" 12692% 12693The Italian entry in the Eurovision Song Contest, "I Can't Get No 12694Contraception", has been withdrawn after the Pope advised them to 12695pull it out at the last minute. 12696 -- Not the Nine O'Clock News 12697% 12698The king arranged a regal marriage for his daughter -- a bond that would unite 12699two great kingdoms. Yet, because the young couple seemed so formal to each 12700other, he posted a spy outside the royal wedding chamber and demanded a full 12701account of the wedding night's progress. 12702 "It's hard to tell," said the spy the next morning. "When the prince 12703entered the chamber, I heard the princess say, quite formally, 'I offer you my 12704honor.' Then the prince said, with equal courtliness, 'I honor your offer.' 12705And that's the way it went all night long -- honor, offer, honor, offer. 12706% 12707The King named Oedipus Rex 12708Who started this fuss about sex 12709 Put the world to great pains 12710 By the spots and the stains 12711Which he made on his mother's pubex. 12712% 12713The King plugged the Queen's ass with mustard 12714To make her fuck hot, but got flustered, 12715 And cried, "Oh, my dear, 12716 I am coming, I fear, 12717But the mustard will make you come `plus tard'." 12718% 12719The kings of Peru were the Incas, 12720Who were known far and wide as great drincas. 12721 They worshipped the sun 12722 And had lots of fun, 12723But the peasants all thought they were stincas. 12724% 12725The largest gay community in the U.S. (as a percentage of total population) 12726is not in San Francisco, but in Iowa Falls, Minnesota (pop. 763), a small 12727town in which virtually everyone is gay. In 1976, a group of about 100 12728gays fleeing persecution in the South settled in the town, and soon won a 12729majority on the town council. Ordinances prohibiting heterosexual acts 12730soon followed. "After all," said mayor Harry Whalen, "If the Supreme Court 12731has refused to strike down laws prohibiting homosexual acts, then our 12732anti-straight laws are equally valid." Rigorous enforcement of those laws 12733has resulted in a community that is now almost 100% gay. Said one long-time 12734resident: "I've lived here 35 years and didn't want to leave, but I didn't 12735want to give up sex either. Then my neighbor Ed came over one night, and 12736said how about I do it with him, and my wife Millie could do it with his 12737wife. Well, I found it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was gonna be. 12738Fact is, I rather like it." 12739% 12740The lights are on, 12741but you're not home; 12742Your will 12743is not your own; 12744Your heart sweats, 12745Your teeth grind; 12746Another kiss 12747and you'll be mine... 12748 12749You like to think that you're immune to the stuff 12750(Oh Yeah!) 12751It's closer to the truth to say you can't get enough; 12752You know you're gonna have to face it, 12753You're addicted to love!" 12754 -- Robert Palmer 12755% 12756The little boy pointed to two dogs in the park and asked his father what 12757they were doing. "They're making puppies, son," replied the father. 12758 That night, the boy wandered into his parents' room while they were 12759making love. Asked what they were doing, the father replied, "Making you 12760a baby brother." 12761 "Gee, Dad," the boy pleaded, "turn her over -- I'd rather have a 12762puppy." 12763% 12764The little old lady rushed into the taxidermist and unwrapped a package 12765containing two recently deceased monkeys. Her instructions to the proprietor 12766were delivered in a welter of tears. 12767 "Favorite pets... (blubber,sob)... caught cold... (moan)... Don't 12768see how I'll live without them... (weep,sob)... want to have them stuffed... 12769(blubber,blubber)!" 12770 "Of course, madam," said the proprietor in an understanding voice, 12771"and would you care to have them mounted?" 12772 "Oh, no," she sobbed, "shaking hands. They were just close friends." 12773% 12774The long-peckered Bey of Algiers 12775Loved to spear chubby lads in their rears. 12776 A demon for semen, 12777 This buffersome he-man 12778Shot the chute till it seeped from their ears. 12779% 12780The man and woman make love, attain climax, fall separate. Then she 12781whispers, "I'll tell you who I was thinking of if you tell me who you 12782were thinking of." Like most sex jokes the origins of the pleasant 12783exchange are obscure. But whatever the source, it seldom fails to evoke 12784a certain awful recognition. 12785 -- Gore Vidal, "New York Review of Books" 12786% 12787The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been 12788putting his bird in the *WRONG* bushes. 12789% 12790The man-hating woman, like the cold woman, is largely imaginary. She 12791is simply a woman who has done her best to snare a man and has failed. 12792 -- Norton 12793% 12794The Messiah will come. There will be a resurrection of the dead -- all 12795the things that Jews believed in before they got so damn sophisticated. 12796 -- Rabbi Meir Kahane 12797% 12798The mind is its own place, and in itself 12799Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven. 12800What matter where, if I be still the same, 12801And what I should be, all but less than he 12802Whom thunder hath made greater? here at least 12803We shall be free; the almighty hath not built 12804Here for his envy, will not drive us hence; 12805Here we may reign secure, and, in my choice, 12806To reign is worth ambition, though in Hell: 12807Better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven. 12808 -- Satan, Milton's "Paradise Lost", I, 254-263 12809% 12810The more crap you put up with, the more crap you're going to get. 12811% 12812The more I learn about women, the more I love my dog. 12813% 12814The most common form of marriage proposal: "YOU'RE WHAT!?" 12815% 12816The most pressing issue facing women today is finding a contraceptive 12817jelly that smells like a fresh fruit salad. 12818% 12819The most romantic thing any woman ever said to me in bed was 12820"Are you sure you're not a cop?" 12821 -- Larry Brown 12822% 12823The most unfair thing about STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) is 12824that the guys who bought vasectomies have to wear condoms anyway. 12825% 12826The most unsatisfactory men are those who pride themselves on their 12827virility and regard sex as if it were some form of athletics at which 12828you win cups. It is a woman's spirit and mood which a man has to 12829stimulate in order to make sex interesting. The real lover is the 12830man who can thrill you by just touching your head or smiling into 12831your eyes - or just by staring into space. 12832 -- Marilyn Monroe 12833% 12834The mother of the year should be a sterilized woman with two 12835adopted children. 12836 -- Paul Ehrlich 12837% 12838The moving finger having writ... gestures. 12839% 12840The moyel who treated young Alec 12841Was cross-eyed and hydrocephalic. 12842 Presented the child 12843 His aim was so wild 12844He rendered the poor boy biphallic. 12845% 12846THE MX IS GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY. One important reason we have a Defense 12847Department is that when we give it money, it spends it, which creates 12848jobs, whereas if we left the money in the hands of civilians, we don't 12849know what they'd do with it. Probably put it in open trenches and set 12850it on fire. The MX will create an especially large number of jobs 12851because of the number of warheads it carries. It carries a total of 10 12852warheads. This creates a great deal of employment, because you have 12853your Warhead Makers, your Warhead Lifters, your Persons Who Tap the 12854Warheads Gently with Rubber Mallets to Wedge Them All Snugly Into the 12855Nose Cone, your Persons Who Just Walk Around Playing Soothing Cassettes 12856by Recording Artists such as Perry Como So We Don't Have Any More 12857Episodes Where a Worker Who is Experiencing Some Strain Sticks a 12858Warhead in the Employee Cafeteria Microwave and Sets It On Roast, etc. 12859We are talking about a lot of jobs. 12860 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against 12861 Political Fallout" 12862% 12863The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on 12864their wedding night and reprimanded him severly. 12865 "I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at 12866the dinner table." 12867 Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair 12868and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a 12869hint of a smile. 12870 "Yes," replied the girl, "much better." 12871 "Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you 12872be so kind as to please pass the pussy?" 12873% 12874The new cinematic emporium 12875Is not just a super-sensorium, 12876 But a highly effectual 12877 Heterosexual 12878Mutual masturbatorium. 12879% 12880The new priest was so nervous about performing his first mass that he could 12881hardly speak. He asked his Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor 12882replied that it might help relax him to add just a bit of vodka to the water 12883pitcher. The next Sunday, after following the Monsignor's advice, the priest 12884returned to the rectory to find a note from that worthy. 12885 12886 1. Next time sip rather than gulp. 12887 2. There are ten commandments, not 12. 12888 3. There are 12 disciples, not 10. 12889 4. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T". 12890 5. The recommended grace before meals is not, 12891 "Rub-a-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, Yaaaay, God!" 12892 6. Do not refer to our Saviour, Jesus Christ, and his 12893 Apostles as "J.C. and the Boys". 12894 7. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him. 12895 8. The Father, Son, and the Holy Ghost are never referred 12896 to as, "Big Daddy, Junior, and the Spook". 12897 9. It is always the Virgin Mary, never The Mary with the Cherry. 12898 10. Last, but not least, next Wednesday there will be a 12899 Taffy-Pulling Contest at St.Peter's, not a Peter-Pulling 12900 Contest at St. Taffy's. 12901% 12902The new rooster caused a great stir in the barnyard. From resplendent comb 12903to defiant spurs, he was the picture of young bantamhood. Almost immediately 12904upon arrival, he was greeted by and elderly rooster who took him behind the 12905barn and whispered in his ear: "Young fellow, I'm long past my prime. All I 12906want now is peace and solitude. So you take over right now as ruler of the 12907roost with my blessings." 12908 The newcomer did just that. He went about his squirely duties as only 12909a young rooster could. After several days, however, the elder rooster again 12910took the young champion behind the barn. "Kid," he said, "the hens are after 12911me for giving up my position so readily. So why don't we have a race, say, 12912ten laps around the farmhouse? The winner becomes undisputed keeper of the 12913henhouse and the hens will stop nagging me. 12914 The young rooster, with only contempt for his elder, agreed. 12915Surprisingly, the older one jumped off to an early lead. His counterpart, 12916weakened by the activities of the previous week, was never quite able to 12917overtake him. As they rounded the barn for the fourth time, the elder rooster 12918maintained a formidable lead. 12919 Suddenly, a shotgun blast rang out. The young rooster fell in the 12920dust, his plumage riddled with buckshot. 12921 "Dammit, Emmy," said the farmer. "That's the last rooster we buy 12922from Ferguson. Four of 'em this month, and every one's been queer." 12923% 12924The nipples of Sarah Sarong 12925When excited are twelve inches long 12926 This embarrassed her lover 12927 Who was pained to discover 12928She expected no less of his dong 12929% 12930The notorious Duchess of Peels 12931Saw a fisherman fishing for eels. 12932 Said she, "Would you mind? -- 12933 Shove one up my behind. 12934I am anxious to know how it feels." 12935% 12936The office brown-noser named Bunky 12937Would claim he was nobody's flunky. 12938 But when the chips were all down, 12939 His proboscis was brown, 12940And there hung many strands which were gunky. 12941% 12942The old archeologist, Throstle, 12943Discovered a marvelous fossil. 12944 He knew from its bend 12945 And the knot on the end, 12946T'was the penis of Paul the Apostle. 12947% 12948The once was a man from Bombay 12949Who modeled his cunts out of clay 12950 So hot was his prick 12951 That he turned them to brick 12952And rubbed all his foreskin away. 12953% 12954The only difference between your current lover and a doorknob is 12955that a doorknob warms up when you hold it. 12956% 12957The only difference between your girlfriend 12958and a barracuda is the nailpolish. 12959% 12960The only excuse for God is that he doesn't exist. 12961 -- Stendhal 12962% 12963The only psychologically damaging thing about masturbation is 12964that there's nobody else to blame later for persuading you to do it. 12965% 12966The only thing faster than the speed of light is shit flowing downhill. 12967 -- Mike O'Dell 12968% 12969The only way for writers to meet is to share a quick pee over a common 12970lamp-post. 12971 -- Cyril Connolly, "Journal and Memoir" 12972% 12973The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in 12974bed with a dead girl or a live boy. 12975 -- Edwin Edwards, Louisian governor 12976% 12977The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to 12978her if she is pretty and to someone else if she is plain. 12979 -- Oscar Wilde 12980% 12981The only way you'll ever hear from 12982me is if you're living in the same hell. 12983 -- Roy Harper 12984% 12985The operator's left hand quivered as she gingerly unlatched the 12986catch to the diskette reader. Uncontrollably, she reached down, 12987guiding the sharply pointed diskette into the deep, dark slot. 12988The floppy diskette nearly folded under the repeated thrusts of 12989her hand, until finally she could control it no longer, her right 12990hand instinctively taking an option zero. And then it all came at 12991once, thousands upon thousands of data bits flowing from diskette 12992to disk in a torrent of torrid transfer, as the helpless legs 12993of the 32 strained to remain on the floor. 12994% 12995The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me. 12996% 12997The outraged husband discovered his wife in bed with another man. 12998 "What is the meaning of this?" he demanded. "Who is this fellow?" 12999 "That seems like a fair question," said the wife, rolling over. 13000"What IS your name?" 13001% 13002The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France 13003on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an 13004acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke 13005French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word 13006the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a 13007picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a 13008ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant 13009with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After 13010dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to 13011several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious 13012evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and 13013drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and has never 13014been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business. 13015% 13016The partition of Vavasour Scowles 13017Was a sickener: they came on his bowels 13018 In a firkin; his brain 13019 Was found clogging a drain, 13020And his toes were inside of some towels. 13021 -- Edward Gorey 13022% 13023The penis mightier than the sword. 13024% 13025the perfect worman: 13026 Four feet tall, no teeth and a flat head so you can rest 13027 your drink. 13028 13029 [Pistol-grip ears? Ed.] 13030% 13031The pleasure is momentary, 13032The position ridiculous, 13033The expense damnable. 13034 -- Chesterfield, on sex 13035% 13036The pleasure is transitory, the cost 13037prohibitive, and the position ridiculous. 13038 -- Disraeli, on sex 13039% 13040The plural of spouse is spice. 13041 -- R.A. Heinlein 13042% 13043The police were investigating the mysterious death of a prominent businessman 13044who had jumped from a window of his 11th story office. His voluptuous private 13045secretary could offer no explanation for the action but said that her boss had 13046been acting peculiarly ever since she started working for him a month ago. 13047 "After my very first week on the job," she said, "I received a 13048twenty-dollar raise. At the end of the second week he called me into his 13049private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon stockings 13050and said, 'These are for a beautiful, efficient secretary.' At the end of the 13051third week he gave me a gorgeous mink stole. Then, this afternoon, he called me 13052into his private office again, presented me with this fabulous diamond bracelet 13053and asked me if I would consider making love to him and what it would cost. 13054I told him I would, and because he had been so nice to me, he could have it 13055for five dollars, although I was charging all the other boys in the office ten 13056dollars. That's when he jumped out the window." 13057% 13058The poor little doe 13059Crawled out of the woods, 13060Tired, bedraggled and blue. 13061"Look," she said, "What I did for a buck, 13062I should have asked for two!" 13063% 13064The Pope is working on a crossword puzzle one Sunday afternoon. He stops 13065for a moment, scratches his forehead, then asks a Cardinal, "Can you think 13066of a four-letter word for `woman' that ends in `u-n-t'?" 13067 "Aunt," replies the Cardinal. 13068 "Say, thanks," says the Pope. "You got an eraser?" 13069% 13070The prick of the engineer, Scott, 13071Fell off from Saturnian rot. 13072 He went to the basement 13073 And made a replacement 13074Of tungsten and plastic and snot. 13075% 13076The priest at Sunday mass noticed that Michael took a ten-dollar bill and two 13077one-dollar bills from the collection plate, instead of putting something in. 13078He thought to himself, I'd better watch out for Michael. The next week he 13079noticed the same thing. So he waited outside church when mass was over, and 13080as Michael came out, he accosted his and said, 13081 "Michael, tell me -- why did you take out a ten-dollar bill and two 13082singles two weeks in a row, instead of putting money into the collection?" 13083 Michael replied, "Father, I'm embarrassed, but I did it because I 13084wanted to go downtown for a blow job." 13085 The priest looked surprised but said to Michael, "Listen, don't do 13086that anymore. I'll be watching you from now on." 13087 When he got back to the rectory, the priest was still perplexed. 13088Finally he decided to call Mother Agatha at the convent. He said, "Mother, 13089you've been such a great friend of mine, I have a question I need to ask you. 13090What is a blow job?" 13091 Mother Agatha replied, "Oh, twelve dollars, same as downtown." 13092% 13093The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a 13094chance to prove it. 13095% 13096The problems with "Medflies" may have hurt Jerry Brown's chances to become a 13097Senator. After all, if they won't allow California fruit out of the state, 13098how is Brown going to get to Washington? 13099% 13100The public is an old woman. Let her maunder and mumble. 13101 -- Thomas Carlyle 13102% 13103The quality of a blow-job is determined by the 13104length of sheet you have to pull out of your ass. 13105% 13106The randy old Bey of Algiers 13107Who'd confined his cock-poking to queers, 13108 Tried a cunt for a change, 13109 And remarked : "It felt strange ... 13110Just think what I've missed all these years!" 13111% 13112The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have to walk around 13113in front every time you want to kiss her. 13114% 13115The real trouble with women is that they have *all* the pussy. 13116% 13117The reason big companies have lots and lots of meetings is because 13118they can't masturbate. 13119% 13120The reason Roman Catholics are allowed to use the 13121rhythm method of birth control is that it doesn't work. 13122% 13123The reason that sex is so popular is that it's centrally located. 13124% 13125The reason we need the MX missile system is that the missiles we 13126currently have in the ground are the Minuteman model, which is very 13127old. The Defense Department can't even remember where half of them 13128are. Insects have built nests in them. People have built houses 13129directly over the silos. What this means, of course, is that if we 13130ever needed them to help obliterate all human life on the planet, they 13131could be a real embarrassment. I mean, maybe YOU'RE comfortable with 13132the prospect of missiles that are supposed to represent you barging 13133over the North Pole trailing shreds of polyester carpeting from some 13134recreation room in South Dakota, but your strategic defense planners 13135are not. 13136 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against 13137 Political Fallout" 13138% 13139The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher 13140Called a girl a most elegant creature. 13141 So she laid on her back 13142 And, exposing her crack, 13143Said, "Fuck that, you old Sunday School Teacher!" 13144% 13145The REVERSE function works on the opposite SEXPR. 13146% 13147The rich man uses vaseline, 13148 The poor man uses lard; 13149The worker uses axle grease 13150 But gets it twice as hard. 13151% 13152The romantic young man sat on the park bench with a first date. He was 13153certain his charming words and manner would win her as they had many others. 13154 "Some moon out tonight,"he cooed. 13155 "There certainly is," she agreed. 13156 "Some really bright stars in the sky." 13157 She nodded. 13158 "Some dew on the grass." 13159 "Some do," she said indignantly, "but I'm not that sort." 13160% 13161The San Francisco police are nothing if not sensitive to the mood of the 13162community. The word is that Dirty Harry has been replaced by Bitchy Gerald. 13163% 13164The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a 13165dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said, "It's my dick 13166and I can wash it as fast as I want!" 13167% 13168The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this earth. 13169 -- Diana Rigg 13170% 13171The sex life of spiders is very interesting. 13172He fucks her. 13173She bites his head off. 13174 -- From a Women's Lib Poster 13175% 13176The sex was nice, but confusing. The whole situation kept going di-polar 13177on Sta-Hi. One instant Misty would seem like a lovely warm girl who'd 13178survived a terrible injury, like a lost puppy to be stroked, a lonely 13179woman to be husbanded. But then he'd start thinking of the wires behind 13180her eyes, and he'd be screwing a machine, an inanimate object, a public 13181toilet. Just like with any other woman for him, really. 13182 -- Rudy Rucker, "Software" 13183% 13184The Shah of the Empire of Persia 13185Lay for days in a sexual merger. 13186 When the nautch asked the Shah, 13187 "Won't you ever withdraw?" 13188He replied with a yawn, "It's inertia." 13189% 13190The shy young man had been married for three months when he reported to his 13191doctor that his marriage was still in name only. The doctor, after hearing 13192the sad tale, told him that waiting until bedtime to make advances was causing 13193psychological pressure and advised him to take advantage of the next time he 13194felt in the mood. A week later, the doctor happened to meet the man again, 13195and noticed a new spring in his step. "My advice worked, I take it?" he 13196inquired. 13197 The young man grinned. "Perfectly. The other night, we were having 13198supper, and as I reached for the salt -- so did she! Our hands touched... It 13199was as if an electric current ran through us. I leaped to my feet, swept the 13200dishes from the table and then and there consummated our marriage! There's 13201just one problem, however. We can't go back to The Four Seasons again..." 13202% 13203The sight of his guests filled Lord Cray 13204At breakfast with horrid dismay, 13205 So he launched off the spoons 13206 The pits from his prunes 13207At their heads as they neared the buffet. 13208 -- Edward Gorey 13209% 13210The skater, Barbara Ann Scott 13211Is so fuckingly "winsome" a snot, 13212 That when posed on her toes 13213 She elaborately shows 13214Teeth, fat ass, titties and twat. 13215% 13216The spouse of a pretty young thing 13217Came home from the wars in the spring. 13218 He was lame but he came 13219 With his dame like a flame -- 13220A discharge is a wonderful thing. 13221% 13222The star of that X-rated hit 13223Plays a nurse with a throat full of clit. 13224 This serves as a palace 13225 For each turgid phallus-- 13226Some say that the plot is pure shit. 13227% 13228"The State of California has no business subsidizing intellectual 13229curiosity." 13230 -- Ronald Reagan 13231% 13232The Stealth Condom -- they'll never see you coming. 13233% 13234The struggling for knowledge has a pleasure in it 13235like that of wrestling with a fine woman. 13236 -- Lord Halifax 13237% 13238The Sultan was peeved with his harem, 13239And cooked up a scheme for to scare'em. 13240 He caught a big mouse 13241 Which he loosed in the house. 13242(Such confusion is called harem-scarem). 13243% 13244The sun was shining brightly The breeze was blowing briskly, 13245And I could hardly wait, It made the flowers sway, 13246To ponder at my window The garden was enchanting 13247And gaze at my estate. On this inspiring day. 13248 13249My eyes fell on a little bird, I smiled at him cheerfully 13250With a beautiful yellow bill, And gave him a crust of bread, 13251I beckoned him to come and light And then I closed the window 13252Upon my window sill. And smashed his fucking head. 13253 -- "Good Morning", Debbie Smith 13254% 13255The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling 13256their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from 13257the other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to 13258ascribe to the other side a consistency, foresight and coherence that 13259its own experience belies. Of course, even two blind men can do 13260enormous damage to each other, not to speak of the room. 13261 -- Henry Kissinger 13262% 13263"The testes are cooler outside," 13264Said the doc to the curious bride, 13265 "For the semen must not 13266 Get too fucking hot, 13267And the bag fans your bum on the ride." 13268% 13269The three faithful things in life are money, a dog and an old woman. 13270% 13271The three most important parts of a stove: lifter, leg, and poker. 13272% 13273The three sexual positions during pregnancy. 13274 13275During the first four months: Missionary style 13276During the second four months: Doggie style 13277And during the last month: Coyote style 13278 13279Coyote style? 13280 You sit by the hole and howl. 13281% 13282The time has come for kicking ass and taking names. 13283% 13284The townspeople stood in despair as the fire that had begun in a diner 13285threatened to spread to adjoining homes. Just then, a truck filled with 13286farm workers came speeding down a hill toward the fire. The crowd moved 13287back and the truck drove right into the thickest of the flames. The workers 13288jumped out and beat at the fire with their coats, miraculously bringing the 13289blaze under control. 13290 The city fathers were so grateful for the men's heroism that they 13291gave each a plaque and $1000. After the ceremony, newsmen interviewed the 13292driver and asked him what he was going to do with the money. 13293 "You can be damned sure the first thing I'm gonna do," he replied, 13294"is get the brakes fixed on that son-of-a-bitchin' truck!" 13295% 13296The truth about a woman often lasts longer than the woman is true. 13297% 13298The two couples were enjoying their vacation together at a resort hotel. They 13299were in the middle of a game of Scrabble in the lobby when a thunderstorm cut 13300off the hotel's electricity, leaving little to do but retire to their rooms. 13301Bill was a rather devout man, so before getting into bed with his companion, 13302he said his prayers. As he got under the covers, the lightning suddenly 13303flashed through the window and he discovered that he was in the wrong room. 13304He instantly jumped up and started to dash for the hallway. "It's too late, 13305called the girl from the bed, "my guy doesn't pray." 13306% 13307The two men feigned friendship but secretly hated each other's guts and took 13308great pleasure in giving one another the needle on any and all occasions. 13309This particular evening they met, quite by accident, at a popular bar. 13310The conversation started innocently enough; then one, with sudden inspiration, 13311ran his hand over the other's bald head and exclaimed, 13312 "By God, Fred, that feels just like my wife's ass!" 13313The other ran his own hand over his head and nonchalantly retorted, 13314 "Well, I'll be damned, Jim, so it does, so it does!" 13315% 13316The two things that you should never lend out are your car 13317or your woman. Someone's bound to throw a rod in either one. 13318% 13319The Unitarians are really just a bunch of atheists who really 13320like going to church. 13321% 13322The United States Army: 13323194 years of proud service, 13324unhampered by progress. 13325% 13326The Utah version of this joke goes: 13327 One of the Council of the Twelve runs breathlessly into the Presidents' 13328office one day. The President looks up and says "Brother, what is so important 13329that you ran all the way here, losing your breath?" 13330 The Council member finally regains his breath, and says "The Savior is 13331in the lobby!!" 13332 The President immediate starts for the door, crying "It has come! The 13333prophecies are fulfilled! We are all about to be uplifted!" 13334 The Council member says "Wait! You didn't let me finish! She's... 13335black, and SHE IS PISSED!" 13336% 13337The very proper spinster didn't go out very often, but she had some important 13338shopping to do that morning and so decided to have her lunch in what appeared 13339to be a nice quiet respectable restaurant. With the noontime crowd, many 13340customers shared their tables with strangers; the spinster selected a seat 13341next to an attractive, young office girl. The girl finished her sandwich and 13342coffee, then settled back and lit up a cigarette. The older woman controlled 13343herself for a few moments and then snapped, 13344 "I'd rather commit adultery than smoke in public." 13345 "So would I," said the girl, "but I only have half an hour for lunch." 13346% 13347The wages of sin are high -- unless you know someone who does it for nothing. 13348% 13349The warden of the De Luxington preparatory school for boys was holding a 13350hearing. The lad before his desk, a very popular young fellow, was angrily 13351accusing one of his schoolmates of having assaulted him sexually. 13352 "I must warn you, m'boy, this is a very serious charge, the warden 13353said. 13354 "I don't care. I tell you it is true. He raped me, warden." The 13355youth pointed to another, somewhat larger boy smirking in the corner. 13356"That's him, sir, the one who forced me to do all those crimes against 13357nature. The bully!" 13358 "Now tell me, son, as closely as you can, when this happened." 13359 "Sir, two weeks ago on Wednesday at 4:00, then at 7:00 that same 13360evening, on Friday, twice on Saturday, two times on Monday, once on 13361Wednesday, and then he met that bitch Roy and he hasn't touched me since." 13362% 13363The whole religious complexion of the modern world is due to the 13364absence from Jerusalem of a lunatic asylum. 13365 -- Havelock Ellis 13366% 13367"The whole world is about three drinks behind." 13368 -- Humphrey Bogart 13369% 13370The wife of young Richard of Limerick 13371Complained to her husband, "My quim, Rick, 13372 Still grows in diameter 13373 Each time that you ram at her; 13374How can your poor tool stay so slim, Rick?" 13375% 13376The woman who lives on the moon 13377Is still cherishing the balloon 13378 Of an earthling who'd come 13379 And given her some, 13380But had dribbled away all too soon. 13381% 13382The woman you buy -- and she is the least expensive -- takes a great 13383deal of money. The woman who gives herself takes all your time. 13384 -- Balzac 13385% 13386The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis". This is true in 13387almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people 13388have attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged 13389down in silly puns about "standing erect". 13390% 13391The work of Mess Sergeant Potgieter 13392Is not merely reading a meter. 13393 By orders of Kirk 13394 A part of his work 13395Is dosing the food with saltpeter. 13396% 13397The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit. 13398% 13399The world is so full of a number of things, 13400I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings. 13401 I'll tell you a story-- 13402 It won't take me long-- 13403Of a brother and sister whose tale is my song. 13404 13405There was an old fellow and what do you think? 13406He lived on the cheese that he scraped from his dink. 13407 He whacked it, he hacked it, 13408 He ate it with glee- 13409Was there ever a fellow so happy as he? 13410 13411This charming old chap had a sister as well : 13412She was ugly and gaunt, with a horrible smell. 13413 Her cunt was so dirty 13414 It stank like a beast, 13415And the odor killed flies as they gathered to feast. 13416 13417What a wonderful family! What marvelous style! 13418I'll bet you and I aren't close by a mile. 13419 Their odor and diet 13420 Won't soon be forgotten, 13421And one day you and I may be equally rotten. 13422% 13423The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her 13424first visit home since starting college. 13425 "Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity 13426last weekend." 13427 "I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner 13428or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience." 13429 "Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight 13430guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore." 13431% 13432The young stud walked into a bordello. After he took his clothes off, the 13433woman was puzzled to see him put a clothespin on his nose, stuff cotton in 13434his ears, and put a prophylactic on his penis. 13435 "Hey," she asked, "what the hell are you doing?" 13436 "Well, ma'am", replied the stud, "there are two things I just can't 13437stand. A screaming woman and the smell of burning rubber." 13438% 13439Then there was the girl who was engaged 13440to a gymnast -- 'til he broke it off. 13441% 13442Then there was the girl whose boyfriend didn't smoke, drink or 13443swear, and never, ever made a pass at her. He also made his own dresses. 13444% 13445Then there was the guy that got badly messed up fighting 13446for his girl's honor. It seems she wanted to keep it. 13447% 13448Then there was the middle-aged businessman who took his spouse to Paris. 13449After traipsing with her from one mansion du couture to another, be begged 13450for a day off to rest and got it. With the wife gone shopping again, he 13451went to the Ritz Bar and picked up a luscious parisienne. They got on 13452well until the question of money came up. She wanted a hundred American 13453dollars; he offered fifty. They couldn't get together on the price; so 13454they didn't get together. That evening he escorted his wife to one of the 13455nicer restaurants on the Rue de Rivoli, and there he spotted his gorgeous 13456babe of the afternoon seated at a table near the door. 13457 "See, monsieur?" she said as they passed her. "Look what you got 13458for your lousy fifty bucks." 13459% 13460Then there was the Scot that wanted to rob a jewelry store -- he tossed a 13461brick through the show window and ran off with a king's ransom. They 13462caught him when he came back for the brick. 13463% 13464There are a couple of things about her I greatly admire. 13465% 13466There are also a lot of nice buildings in Haiphong. What their 13467contributions are to the war effort I don't know, but the desire to 13468bomb a virgin building is terrific. 13469 -- Commander Henry Urban Jr. 13470% 13471There are Jews in the world, there are Buddhists, Every sperm is sacred, 13472there are Hindus and Mormons and then Every sperm is great, 13473there are those that follow Mohammed ...But... If a sperm is wasted, 13474I've never been one of them. God gets quite irate. 13475 13476I am a Roman Catholic Every sperm is wanted, 13477And have been since before I was born, Every sperm is good. 13478And the one thing they say about Catholics is Every sperm is needed, 13479They'll take you as soon as you're warm. In your neighborhood. 13480 13481You don't have to be a six-footer. Let the heathens spill theirs, 13482You don't have to have a great brain. On the dusty ground. 13483You don't have to have any clothes on, God shall make them pay for 13484You're a Catholic the moment Dad came Each sperm that can't be found. 13485...Because... 13486 13487Hindu, Taoist, Mormon, Every sperm is useful, 13488spill theirs just anywhere Every sperm is fine. 13489but God loves those who treat their God needs everybodies, 13490semen with more care. Mine, and mine, and mine. 13491 -- Monty Python, "Every Sperm is Sacred" 13492% 13493There are many ways to say "I love you", but fucking is the fastest. 13494% 13495There are only six Democrats in all of Hinsdale County and you, you son of 13496a bitch, you ate five of them. 13497 -- Colorado judge, sentencing Alfred E. Packer for 13498 cannibalism in 1874. 13499% 13500There are revolutions that are sweeping the world and we in America 13501have been in a position of trying to stop them. With all the wealth of 13502America, with all of the military strength of America, those 13503revolutions are revolutions against a form of political and economic 13504organization in the countries of Asia and the Middle East that are 13505oppressive. They are revolutions against feudalism. [1952] 13506 -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas 13507% 13508There are so many people wanting a piece of my ass that some of them 13509are having to take turns. 13510 -- T.K. 13511% 13512There are some things we mustn't expose, 13513So we hide them away in our clothes. 13514 Oh, it's shocking to stare 13515 At what's certainly there-- 13516But why this is so, heaven knows. 13517% 13518There are three religious truths: 135191. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah. 135202. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the 13521 Christian faith. 135223. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or 13523 the adult book store. 13524% 13525There are three women on the fast track in a particular company. The 13526president realizes it's time to promote one of them, but they're all so 13527competent that he's not sure which one to choose. So he devises a little 13528test. One day while they're all at lunch, he places $500 on each of their 13529desks. #1 returns it to him immediately. #2 pockets it. #3 invests 13530in the market and returns $1,500 to him in the morning. Who gets the 13531promotion? The one with the big tits! 13532% 13533There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's. 13534% 13535There are two trees in the forest. They are very proud trees. One day 13536they notice a sapling half-way between them. 13537 One tree proclaims, "That is a son of beech!" 13538 "No, that is a son of a birch!" insists the other. 13539 "A son of a BEECH!" 13540 "A son of a BIRCH!" 13541 "Son of a beech!" 13542 "Son of a birch!" 13543 13544The fighting attracts a woodpecker who informs them that he can tell what 13545kind of tree the sapling is by its taste. First he tastes the beech and 13546the birch. Then he tastes the sapling. "Well now, is that a son of a 13547beech or a son of a birch?" asks the beech. 13548 "You're both wrong!" says the bird. "That's the best piece of ash 13549I've had my pecker in for a long time!" 13550% 13551There is a definite parallel between shots of tequila and a 13552woman's breasts. One is not enough and three are too many. 13553% 13554"There is a God, but He drinks." 13555 -- Blore 13556% 13557There is a new model of car being sold in San Francisco -- 13558the pervertible. The top doesn't go down, but the driver does. 13559% 13560There is a young faggot named Mose 13561Who insists that you fuck his long nose. 13562 And you'll double the joy 13563 Of this lecherous boy 13564If you'll tickle his balls with your toes. 13565% 13566There is a young lady named Aird, 13567Whose bottom is always kept bared. 13568 When asked why she pouts, 13569 She says "The Boy Scouts, 13570All beg me to please Be Prepared!" 13571% 13572There is nothing as overrated as a bad 13573lay, or as underrated as a great shit. 13574% 13575There is nothing wrong with screwing everyone in sight. 13576Boring your friends about it is the sin. 13577 -- Mama Liz 13578% 13579There once was a couple named Kelley, 13580Who lived their life belly to belly. 13581 Because in their haste 13582 They used Library Paste, 13583Instead of Petroleum Jelly. 13584% 13585There once was a feisty young terrier 13586Who liked to bite girls on the derriere. 13587 He'd yip and he'd yap, 13588 Then leap up and snap, 13589And the fairer the derriere the merrier. 13590% 13591There once was a freshman named Lin, 13592Whose tool was as thin as a pin, 13593 A virgin named Joan 13594 From a bible belt home, 13595Said, "This won't be much of a sin." 13596% 13597There once was a hacker named Ken 13598Who inherited truckloads of Yen 13599 So he built him some chicks 13600 Of silicon chips 13601And hasn't been heard from since then. 13602% 13603There once was a lady from Exeter, 13604So pretty that men craned their necks at her. 13605 One was even so brave 13606 As to take out and wave 13607The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. 13608% 13609There once was a man named Eugene 13610Who invented a screwing machine 13611 Concave and convex 13612 It served either sex 13613And it played with itself in between. 13614% 13615There once was a plumber from Leigh, 13616Who was plumbing his maid by the sea, 13617 Said she, "Please stop plumbing, 13618 I think someone's coming!" 13619Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me." 13620% 13621There once was a queen of Bulgaria 13622Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, 13623 Till a prince from Peru 13624 Who came up for a screw 13625Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier. 13626% 13627There once was a Sailor who looked through a glass 13628And spied a fair mermaid with scales on her... island. 13629Where seagulls flew over their nest. 13630She combed the long hair which hung over her... shoulders. 13631And caused her to tickle and itch. 13632The sailor cried out "There's a beautiful... mermaid. 13633A sittin' out there on the rocks." 13634The crew came a running, all grabbing their... glasses. 13635And crowded four deep to the rail. 13636All eager to share in this fine piece of... news. 13637... 13638"Throw out a line and we'll lasso her... flippers. 13639And soon we will certainly find 13640If mermaids are better before or be... brave 13641My dear fellows," The captain cried out. 13642And cursing with spleen. 13643This song may be dull, but it's certainly clean. 13644 -- "The Clean Song", Oscar Brandt 13645% 13646There once was a Scot named McAmeter 13647With a tool of prodigious diameter. 13648 It was not the size 13649 That cause such surprise; 13650'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter. 13651% 13652There was a bluestocking in Florence 13653Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents, 13654 Till a Spanish grandee, 13655 Got her off with his knee, 13656And she burned all her works with abhorrence. 13657% 13658There was a gay countess of Bray, 13659And you may think it odd when I say, 13660 That in spite of high station, 13661 Rank and education, 13662She always spelled cunt with a "k". 13663% 13664There was a man who, every day, would buy a newspaper on the way to work, 13665glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy. Day after day the 13666man would go through this routine. Finally the newsboy could not stand it 13667and he asked the man, "Why do you always buy a paper and only look at the 13668front page before discarding it?" 13669 The man replied, "I am only interested in the obituaries." 13670 "But they are on page 21. You never even unfold the newspaper." 13671 "Young man," he replied, "the son-of-a-bitch I'm looking for will 13672be on the front page." 13673 -- Attributed to FDR. 13674% 13675There was a young fellow named Bliss 13676Whose sex life was strangely amiss, 13677 For even with Venus 13678 His recalcitrant penis 13679Would never do better than t 13680 h 13681 i 13682 s 13683 . 13684% 13685There was a young girl from Hong Kong 13686Whose cervical cap was a gong. 13687 She said with a yell, 13688 As a shot rang her bell, 13689"I'll give you a ding for a dong!" 13690% 13691There was a young girl named Sapphire 13692Who succumbed to her lover's desire. 13693 She said, "It's a sin, 13694 But now that it's in, 13695Could you shove it a few inches higher?" 13696% 13697There was a young girl of Angina 13698Who stretched catgut across her vagina. 13699 From the love-making frock 13700 (With the proper sized cock) 13701Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor. 13702% 13703There was a young girl of Darjeeling 13704Who could dance with such exquisite feeling 13705 There was never a sound 13706 For miles around 13707Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling. 13708% 13709There was a young lad name of Durcan 13710Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. 13711 His father said, "Durcan! 13712 Stop jerkin' your gherkin! 13713Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'." 13714% 13715There was a young lady from Maine 13716Who claimed she had men on her brain. 13717 But you knew from the view, 13718 As her abdomen grew, 13719It was not on her brain that he'd lain. 13720% 13721There was a young lady named Clair 13722Who possessed a magnificent pair; 13723 At least so I thought 13724 Till I saw one get caught 13725On a thorn, and begin losing air. 13726% 13727There was a young lady named Hall, 13728Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. 13729 The dress caught on fire 13730 And burned her entire 13731Front page, sporting section, and all. 13732% 13733There was a young lady named Twiss 13734Who said she thought fucking a bliss, 13735 For it tickled her bum 13736 And caused her to come 13737.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW 13738% 13739There was a young lady of Norway 13740Who hung by her toes in a doorway. 13741 She said to her beau 13742 "Just look at me, Joe; 13743I think I've discovered one more way." 13744% 13745There was a young man from Bel-Aire 13746Who was screwing his girl on the stair, 13747 But the banister broke, 13748 So he doubled his stroke, 13749And finished her off in mid-air. 13750% 13751There was a young man hitchhiking along a road one day. A car stopped and the 13752driver opened the door and asked, "What political party are you with?" 13753 He replied, "Why, I'm a Democrat." 13754 And the driver slammed the door and rode off. The guy was pretty 13755discouraged when another car came along, and the driver asked the same 13756question. 13757 The guy answered, "Uh, I'm a Democrat." 13758 And again, the driver slammed the door and rode off. Now he was 13759downright confused when another car came along. The driver was an attractive 13760lady, and she asked the same question. 13761 He answered: "I'm a Republican." 13762 And she answered, "Well, then, hop on in." 13763 They drove on for a few minutes when he began to notice that her 13764skirt was beginning to get hiked up on her thighs. Finally, he couldn't take 13765it any more, and said "Ma'am, stop the car and let me out. I've only been 13766a Republican for 15 minutes, and already I feel like screwing someone!" 13767% 13768There was a young man named Crockett 13769Whose balls got caught in a socket. 13770 His wife was a bitch, 13771 And she threw the switch, 13772As Crockett went off like a rocket. 13773% 13774There was a young man of Cape Horn 13775Who wished he had never been born, 13776 And he wouldn't have been 13777 If his father had seen 13778That the end of the rubber was torn. 13779% 13780There was a young man of St. John's 13781Who wanted to bugger the swans. 13782 But the loyal hall porter 13783 Said, "Pray take my daughter! 13784Those birds are reserved for the dons." 13785% 13786There was a young tenor named Springer, 13787Got his testicles caught in a wringer. 13788 He hollered in pain, 13789 As they rolled down the drain, 13790"There goes my career as a singer!" 13791% 13792There was a young whore from Kaloo 13793Who filled her vagina with glue. 13794 She said with a grin, 13795 "If they pay to get in, 13796They can pay to get out again too!" 13797% 13798There was an old man of the port 13799Whose prick was remarkably short. 13800 When he got into bed, 13801 The old woman said, 13802"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!" 13803% 13804There was an old pirate named Bates 13805Who was learning to rhumba on skates. 13806 He fell on his cutlass, 13807 Which rendered him nutless 13808And practically useless on dates. 13809% 13810There was once a newly-married couple. Now these two lovers were, well, 13811rather uptight about using expressions such as "having sex", "getting it on", 13812or "boffing the brains out". So, they decided to use the euphemism, "doing 13813the laundry" whenever the topic of sex came up. 13814 One evening, hubby said, "Well, honey, feel like doing some laundry 13815tonite?", and she consented. The next evening, hubby again asked, "Sweetie, 13816feel like doing some laundry tonite?" Well, wifey wasn't really in the mood, 13817but complied. On the third night, when hubby approached her, asking her to 13818participate in doing still MORE laundry, she replied, "Oh, Hon, I'm really not 13819in the mood for doing any laundry tonite." 13820 Well, hubby, being a bit disappointed, locked himself in the bathroom 13821and engaged in a spot of self-abuse instead. Upon returning to the living 13822room, wifey said, "Well, Poopsie, I've changed my mind -- how about doing 13823some laundry?" To which he replied, "Oh, no, that's okay, I just did a small 13824load!" 13825% 13826There was once a salesman who had an outstanding record for selling tooth- 13827brushes. His boss, wondering at his unlikely success, sent a man out to 13828follow the salesman on rounds to see what pitch he gave that brought such 13829good results. It was soon found that this particular salesman went to the 13830corner of a busy street and opened up his briefcase, and on one side was the 13831assortment of toothbrushes, and on the other side various chips and garnishes 13832and a bowl of brownish stuff. He would grab a likely customer and give them 13833the following pitch. 13834 "Good morning, ma'am, this is a commercial promotion for --- brand 13835of chip dip. Would you care to give it a try?" 13836 At that point the person would try it, then spit it out and scream 13837in utter disgust, "This tastes like shit!" 13838 The salesman would smile and say, "It is. You want to buy a 13839toothbrush?" 13840% 13841There was something about her I liked, 13842but I couldn't put my finger on it. 13843% 13844There were the Scots 13845Who kept the Sabbath 13846And everything else they could lay their hands on. 13847Then there were the Welsh 13848Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors. 13849Thirdly there were the Irish 13850Who never knew what they wanted 13851But were willing to fight for it anyway. 13852Lastly there were the English 13853Who considered themselves a self-made nation 13854Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility. 13855% 13856There's a handsome boy who tells me how I've changed his past. He buys me 13857a brandy... Could it be he's really just after my ass? 13858 -- Pete Townshend, "How Many Friends" 13859% 13860There's a tendency today to absolve individuals from moral responsibility and 13861treat them as victims of social circumstance. You buy that, you pay with your 13862soul. It's not men who limit women, it's not straights who limit gays, it's 13863not whites who limit blacks. What limits people is lack of character. What 13864limits people is that they don't have the fucking nerve or imagination to star 13865in their own movie, let alone direct it. 13866 -- Bernard Mickey Wrangle 13867% 13868There's a vas deferens between men and women. 13869% 13870There's amnesia in a hangknot, 13871And comfort in the ax, 13872But the simple way of poison will make your nerves relax. 13873 There's surcease in a gunshot, 13874 And sleep that comes from racks, 13875 But a handy draft of poison avoids the harshest tax. 13876You find rest on the hot squat, 13877Or gas can give you pax, 13878But the closest corner chemist has peace in packaged stacks. 13879 There's refuge in the church lot 13880 When you tire of facing facts, 13881 And the smoothest route is poison prescribed by kindly quacks. 13882Chorus: With an *ugh!* and a groan, and a kick of the heels, 13883 Death comes quiet, or it comes with squeals -- 13884 But the pleasantest place to find your end 13885 Is a cup of cheer from the hand of a friend. 13886 -- Jubal Harshaw, "One For The Road" 13887% 13888There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I 13889really don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it didn't do 13890anything to me. 13891 -- John Wayne 13892% 13893There's many a slurp t'wixt the tip and the zip. 13894% 13895There's more than one way to skin a cat: 13896 Way #3 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush. 13897 Way #27 -- Use an electric sander. 13898 Way #32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker. 13899 Way #33 -- A bicycle pump. 13900% 13901There's more than one way to skin a cat: 13902 Way number 15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush. 13903% 13904There's more than one way to skin a cat: 13905 Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander. 13906% 13907There's more than one way to skin a cat: 13908 Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker. 13909% 13910There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter 13911and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex. 13912 -- Billy Joel 13913% 13914There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure. 13915 -- David Mairowitz 13916% 13917They ought to make butt-flavored cat food. 13918 -- Gallagher 13919% 13920They watched the sun slowly sink behind the hills, and the fiery glow on the 13921lake fade into darkness. He eyed her shadowy figure, accentuated by the moon- 13922light, as the tension from within began to fuel his animalistic desires. 13923She followed him, ever so quietly, as they sought a secluded corner in the 13924barn. Alone! At last. His hands roamed about her soft back, around to her 13925thighs, and finally caressed her budding nipples. Oh, how smooth and succulent 13926she was! "Was it so wrong?", he asked himself. No, he thought, for his 13927father had done it, as did his own father, ad infinitum. The boiling, 13928uncontrollable rage within him became unbearable. She signaled her eagerness, 13929spreading her legs, as he grasped her nipples again. Stroking, again and 13930again, longer each time. It began coming; again, again, again, again. His 13931mind raced with fear "Will it stop?". Exhausted, he lay down beside her. 13932"Dear God, what have I done?". Suddenly, his father burst in. His eyes 13933burned as he stared for what seemed an eternity. Finally, his father spoke. 13934 "Son, you ain't supposed to milk the damn cow till mornin'!" 13935% 13936This Czech walks into police station in 1968 during the Fraternal Assistance. 13937Czech: Hey, out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and 13938 took my Russian watch. 13939Desk Sergeant: Come again? 13940Czech: Right out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and 13941 took my Russian watch. 13942DS: You're confused. Why would there be a Swiss soldier here? And who 13943 would want to own a Russian watch? It was a Russian soldier who 13944 knocked you down and took your Swiss watch, right? 13945Czech: Well, maybe, but you said it, not me. 13946% 13947This fellow rushed into a crowded tavern on Saturday night. Men and women 13948stood three-deep at the bar. Our man, who felt nature calling strongly, 13949looked about him but couldn't see anything that resembled a john. He saw a 13950stairway and bounded up the steps to the second floor in his increasingly 13951desperate search. Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a 13952one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor. Now, at the end of his control, he 13953decided to take advantage of the hole. He dropped his pants, hunched over it, 13954and did his thing. Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the 13955steps to find, to his surprise, that the crowded bar was now empty. 13956 "Hey!" he yelled to the seemingly empty room, "Where is everyone?" 13957 From behind the bar a voice responded, "Hey! Where were you when 13958the shit hit the fan?" 13959% 13960This guy makes an appointment with a doctor because his hemorrhoids are 13961really bothering him. The doctor gives him some suppositories and tells 13962him to come back in a week for a checkup. "How's it going?" he asks 13963the patient a week later. 13964 "I gotta tell you the truth, Doc," said the man. "For all the 13965good these pills did me, I coulda shoved them up my ass." 13966% 13967This guy, see, was walkin' down the street sportin' two -- not one, but two 13968-- black eyes; a coupla real shiners. He chanced upon his buddy walkin' th' 13969other way... they stopped to talk... "Hey guy," sez his buddy, "where'd'ja 13970git them good lookin' shiners? Musta been a helluva fight." 13971 "Well, actually, I got them in church," sez he. 13972 "Nowwaitaminnit," sez the friend, "nobody gits black eyes in church!" 13973 "I swear I did," sez he, "and here's how it happened. We all got up 13974to sing a hymn, you see, and the fat lady in front of me got her dress all 13975stuck up in the crack of her butt, so bein' as how I'm a real gennulman an' 13976all, well, I leaned forward and pulled it out for her. And you know what? 13977She just turned around, hauled off and slugged me one!" 13978 "Well," his buddy replies, after he can talk again, "that shore 'nuff 13979explains one of 'em. Howdja git th' other one?" 13980 "Well," sez he, "like I said, I'm a gennulman, even when somebody does 13981me wrong, so when I saw she didn't like it like that, I stuck it back in." 13982% 13983This guy walks into a bank and up to a female bank teller: 13984 13985Man: "I want to open a fuckin' savings account." 13986Teller: "Excuse me, sir?" 13987M: "Listen, bitch, I want to open a fuckin' savings account." 13988T: "Sir, I don't have to listen to this abusive language." 13989M: "LOOK! I just want to open a fuckin' savings account." 13990T: "Sir, you leave me no choice but to speak to the manager." 13991 13992The teller walks over and explains the customer's rude behavior to the bank 13993manager who then accompanies her back to the teller booth. 13994 13995Mgr: "Can I help you, sir?" 13996M: "I want to open a fuckin' savings account." 13997Mgr: "Please, sir, we'll be delighted to help you, but we must request 13998 that you not use abusive language to our tellers." 13999M: "Look. I just won $25 million in the state lottery and I want to 14000 open a fuckin' savings account!" 14001Mgr: "I see. And has this cunt been giving you any trouble?" 14002% 14003This guy was screwing his neighbors wife when a car pulls into the drive. 14004"My husband!" she screams. He panics and jumps out the window. He finds 14005himself on the street, naked, under cloudy skies. There is no place to hide 14006except in a crowd of joggers. As he runs along, a woman looks over and says, 14007 "Do you always jog in the nude?" 14008 "Yes ma'am!" he replies. 14009 "Does it always result in that kind of sexual excitement?" she asks. 14010 "Yes ma'am!" he replies. 14011 "Do you always wear a condom?" 14012 "Only when it rains, lady. Only when it rains." 14013% 14014This here's the wattle 14015The emblem of our land 14016You can stick it in a bottle 14017Or you can hold it in your hand. 14018 -- Monty Python 14019% 14020This hot and dusty cowboy rode in from the mesa, filthy and exhausted. He 14021obviously had had nothing but his horse for company for a couple of weeks 14022and was looking forward to a couple of cold beers in the saloon. Swinging 14023off his horse and hitching it to the rail, the cowboy gave his horse an 14024affectionate slap on the neck. Then he astonished an old cowhand lounging 14025on the porch by moving around to the horse's hindquarters, lifting up its 14026tail and planting a demure kiss on its asshole. 14027 "What'd you do that for?" asked the cowhand, completely repulsed. 14028 "Chapped lips," said the cowboy, heading for the saloon doors. 14029 "Wait a minute," said the old guy. "Whaddaya mean, chapped lips?" 14030 "Keeps ya from lickin' 'em," explained the cowboy. 14031% 14032This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an 14033actual emergency, you would have known it! 14034% 14035This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week. 14036% 14037This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. So I'll put 14038"di-dah" for the filthy words: 14039 14040 Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah, 14041 Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah; 14042 Di-dah di-dah di-dah? 14043 Di-dah di-dah di-dah. 14044 Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck. 14045% 14046This story concerns a man who, after putting his son to bed each night, would 14047stand by his boy's door and listen to his son saying his prayers. One night, 14048the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Granddad, who won't be 14049with us much longer." The man thought this was rather curious, but passed it 14050off as childish whimsy. The next day, however, he received a call from his 14051mother, informing him that his father had passed away early that morning. 14052During the next few weeks, he listened particularly closely to his son's 14053prayers, but noticed nothing unusual. Then, one night, the boy ended his 14054prayers with, "God specially bless Grandmom, who won't be with us much longer." 14055Although the shock of the original incident had worn off during the intervening 14056weeks, he nonetheless phoned his mother to inquire as to her health. He went to 14057bed reassured, only to be awakened in the night by his sister calling with the 14058news that their mother had died suddenly in the night. The father had a series 14059of psychological tests done; nothing unusual was uncovered. About a month 14060later, the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Daddy, who won't 14061be with us much longer." The man was panic-stricken, certain that he was 14062going to die during the night. He resolved to stay awake all night; if awake 14063and alert he should be able to prevent any tragedy. Morning came. Breathing 14064a huge sigh of relief, he went to get the paper off the porch. There, lying 14065dead on the doorstep, was the milkman. 14066% 14067This system goes down more often than a two-dollar whore. 14068% 14069This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management 14070personnel to various situations. 14071 14072You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives 14073in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchilada casserole and 14074egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure. 14075Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass 14076bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out. 14077 14078YOU SHOULD: 14079 14080(a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away. 14081(b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense. 14082(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better. 14083% 14084This time it's for love; next time it's $100.00. 14085% 14086THORNY: 14087 A thailor at thea. 14088% 14089Thou shalt not omit adultery. 14090% 14091Thought: 14092 Girls get minks the same way minks get minks! 14093% 14094Three fine Irish lads, O'Rourke, O'Malley and O'Donnell, worked together at 14095the local brewery. One day, as fate would have it, O'Rourke fell into one 14096of the beer vats and drowned. O'Malley and O'Donnell, completely crestfallen, 14097had to break the news to his wife. 14098 They went 'round the Widow O'Rourke's house and informed her that her 14099poor dear Patrick had drowned in a beer vat that very day. Choking back her 14100tears, she asked them "Tell me now, did me poor Patty suffer much?" 14101 "I don't think so," replied O'Donnell. "He climbed out twice to take 14102a piss." 14103% 14104Three gay guys were discussing what they thought their favorite sport would 14105be. The first decides on football, 'cause of all those gorgeous guys bending 14106over in their tight pants. 14107 "Definitely wrestling," sighs the second guy. "Those skimpy little 14108costumes, and think of the holds." 14109 "Definitely baseball," says the third guy. "Why? Well, I'd be 14110pitching with the bases loaded, the batter would hit a savage one-hopper 14111right to me, I'd catch it, and I'd just stand there while the other guys 14112rounded the bases. Meanwhile, the crowd would be going crazy, screaming, 14113`Throw the ball, you cocksucker!' and that's what I like -- recognition!" 14114% 14115Three minutes of serious sex and I need eight hours of sleep and 14116a bowl of Wheaties. 14117 -- Richard Pryor 14118% 14119Three things have been difficult to tame: The oceans, fools, 14120and women. We may soon be able to tame the ocean. Fools and 14121women will take a little longer. 14122 -- Spiro Agnew 14123% 14124Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains, 14125however, the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is, except 14126for Laurie's. Laurie never seems to have her laundry out when it rains. 14127 So, one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes 14128on the line when one of the women says to Laurie, "Laurie, how come when it 14129never rains when you have your laundry out?" 14130 "Well," replies Laurie, "when I wake up in the morning, I check out 14131my husband Paul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's 14132going to be a great day. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know 14133it might rain. I don't know why it works, but he's never been wrong!" 14134 "Laurie, what if he has an erection?" asks the other woman. 14135 "Honey, on a day like *that*, you don't do the *laundry." 14136% 14137Three young women were attending the same logic class given at one of the 14138better universities. During a lecture the professor stated that he was 14139going to test their ability at situation reasoning. 14140 "Let us assume," said the prof, "that you are aboard a small craft 14141alone in the Pacific, and you spot a vessel approaching you with several 14142sex-starved sailors on board. What would you do in this situation to avoid 14143the problem?" 14144 "I would attempt to turn my craft in the opposite direction and 14145flee," said the first girl. 14146 "I would pass them, and hope that I could fend them off," responded 14147the second woman. 14148 "Frankly," murmured the third woman, "I understand the situation, 14149but I fail to see the problem." 14150% 14151three-bag ugly, adj: 14152 That's when you put one bag over her head, one bag over your 14153 head in case her's falls off, and one over the dog's to keep 14154 it from howling. 14155 14156four-bag ugly, adj: 14157 When you leave a bag by the door in case someone drops by. 14158% 14159Through a major bureaucratic error, you are made county coroner. 14160You seriously consider the job because it gives you: 14161 14162 1: Lots of unclaimed wedding rings and watches. 14163 2: Lots of gold fillings and bridges. 14164 3: Free blood. 14165 4: A constantly changing array of new friends who aren't at 14166 all stuffy about what happens to their genitalia. 14167% 14168Tim and I a hunting went 14169We found three damsels in a tent, 14170As they were three, and we were two, 14171I bucked one and Timbuktu. 14172 -- the only known poem using the word "Timbuktu" 14173% 14174To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature. 14175% 14176To be the kind of girl designed to be kissed between the thighs. 14177% 14178To win a woman in the first place one must please her, then undress her, and 14179then somehow get her clothes back on her. Finally, so she will allow you 14180to leave her, you've got to annoy her. 14181 -- Jean Giraudoux, "Amphitryon 38" 14182% 14183Today is gonna be one helluva week! 14184% 14185Todays title: 14186 Creative Violence in Sexual Relationships 14187% 14188"Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad 14189name." 14190 -- Gore Vidal 14191% 14192Tonight's piss is tomorrow's Tang. 14193 -- An American astronaut 14194% 14195tourist, n: 14196 A pretty girl in Oklahoma. 14197% 14198Tourist to New Yorker: 14199 "Pardon me, sir, do you know what time it is, or should I 14200 just go fuck myself?" 14201% 14202transvestite, n: 14203 Someone who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary. 14204% 14205Tri Delts; everyone else has. 14206% 14207TRUST: 14208 Two cannibals having oral sex. 14209% 14210trust me: 14211 Los Angeles for "Fuck you, your mother, and the horse 14212 she rode in on." 14213% 14214T-shirt of the Day: 14215 Head for the Mountains 14216 -- courtesy Anheuser-Busch beer 14217 14218Followup T-shirt of the Day (on the same scenic background): 14219 If you liked the mountains, head for the Busch! 14220 -- courtesy someone else 14221% 14222T-shirt of the Day: 14223 14224 See Dick Drink... 14225 See Dick Drive... 14226 See Dick Die. 14227 DON'T BE A DICK. 14228% 14229T-shirt of the Week: 14230 I'm not excited, I'm cold! 14231% 14232'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod And as in raffish thought he sprawled, 14233Did groove and trip out at the pad: The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt, 14234All whimsy were the slamming chicks, Crept past the hippies getting balled 14235And the Radcliffe undergrad. And doffed her miniskirt. 14236 14237"Beware the Radcliffe girl, my son! One, two! One, two! And through 14238The looks that melt, the claws that and through 14239 catch! The venerable staff went snicker-snack! 14240Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun He left her bred, sans maidenhead, 14241The uppity Wellesleysnatch!" And went galumphing back. 14242 14243He took his venerable staff in hand: "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl? 14244Long time the cool young stuff he Come to my arms, my horny boy! 14245 sought -- O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!" 14246So rested he among the spree He cackled in his joy. 14247And paused to smoke some pot. 14248 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod 14249 Did groove and trip out at the pad: 14250 All whimsy were the slamming chicks, 14251 And the Radcliffe undergrad. 14252% 14253'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod 14254Did groove and trip out at the pad: "Beware the Radcliff girl, my son! 14255All whimsy were the slamming chicks, The looks that mell, the claws that 14256And the Radcliffe undergrad. catch! 14257 Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun 14258He took his venerable staff in hand: The uppity Wellesleysnatch!" 14259Long time the cool young stuff he 14260 sought -- And as in raffish thought he sprawled, 14261So rested he among the spree The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt, 14262And paused to smoke some pot. Crept past the hippies getting balled 14263 And doffed her miniskirt. 14264One, two! One, two! And through 14265 and through "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl? 14266The venerable staff went snicker-snack! Come to my arms, my horny boy! 14267He left her bred, sans maidenhead, O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!" 14268And went galumphing back. He cackled in his joy. 14269 14270'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod 14271Did groove and trip out at the pad: 14272All whimsy were the slamming chicks, 14273And the Radcliffe undergrad. 14274% 14275Twenty years of romance make a woman look like a ruin; but 14276twenty years of marriage make her something like a public building. 14277 -- Wilde 14278% 14279Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time. 14280The Italian boy's father presents him with a brand-new pistol. On the other 14281side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold 14282watch. 14283 The next day, in school, the two boys are showing each other what 14284they got. It turns out that each boy likes the other's present better, and 14285so they trade. 14286 That night, the Italian boy is at home and his father sees him 14287looking at his new watch. "Where did you getta thatta watch?" he asks. 14288 The boy explains the trade, and the father blows his top. "Whatta 14289you? Stupidda boy? Whatsa matta you!" 14290 "Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married. Then maybe somma day 14291you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man. Whatta 14292you gonna do then? Looka atta you watch and say, `How longa you gonna be?'" 14293% 14294Two gentlemen met at the club after a long absence and talked. 14295 "Did you hear about Chumley?", one asked. 14296 "No, old man, what about him?" 14297 "Last seen in Africa, you know." 14298 "No, I didn't." 14299 "Yes. Appalling. Ran off with a gorilla. Fallen in love." 14300 "Queer." 14301 "Not Chumley. Female gorilla." 14302% 14303Two golfers were being held up as the twosome of women in front of them 14304whiffed shots, hunted for lost balls and stood over putts for what seemed 14305like hours. 14306 "I'll ask if we can play through," Bill said as he strode toward 14307the women. Twenty yards from the green, however, he turned on his heel 14308and went back to where his companion was waiting. 14309 "Can't do it," he explained, sheepishly. "One of them's my wife 14310and the other's my mistress!" 14311 "I'll ask," said Jim. He started off, only to turn and come back 14312before reaching the green. 14313 "What's wrong?" Bill asked. 14314 "Small world, isn't it?" 14315% 14316Two men and a woman were stranded on a desert island - 14317 14318Two weeks later, the woman was so ashamed of what she 14319had been doing, she committed suicide. 14320 14321Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they 14322had been doing, they buried her. 14323 14324Two weeks later, the men were so ashamed of what they 14325had been doing, they dug her back up. 14326% 14327Two men, both close to retirement, are working on the assembly line. One 14328boasts to the other, "Last night I made love to my wife *three* times!" 14329 "Three times!", replies his friend. "How did you do it?" 14330 "Well," says the first man, "I made love to my wife and set the 14331alarm clock for two hours later. When it went off we made love again. 14332Then, I reset it for the morning and we made love once more before I came 14333to work. I feel like a bull!" 14334 His friend says, "Well, that *is* fantastic! I'm going to have 14335to give it a try." So, he goes home that night and makes love to his 14336wife. Figuring he doesn't need to set the alarm clock, he settles off 14337to sleep. Waking up a few hours later, he nudges his wife and they make love 14338again. Waking up in the morning he makes love to his wife for the third 14339time. Looking over at the clock he realizes that he's twenty minutes late 14340for work. He throws on his clothes and runs down to the subway. When 14341he gets to the factory his boss is standing there waiting. 14342 "Frank", he says, "I've been working for you for 18 years, and I've 14343never been late before. You've got to forgive me twenty minutes this once!" 14344 "Well," replies his boss, "okay, but it's not the twenty minutes 14345that had me worried. Where were you Tuesday, where were you Wednesday..." 14346% 14347Two men were standing around talking while nearby a large German Shepherd 14348lay licking his balls. One man says to the other, "Damn, I wish I could 14349do that." 14350 The other man replies, "Well, it's okay by me, but I think you 14351ought to get to know him a little first." 14352% 14353Two midgets arrived at the convent door and asked to speak with the Mother 14354Superior. Led into her office, the first one asked respectfully "Excuse 14355me, your holiness, but are there any midget nuns in this convent?" 14356 Receiving a reply to the negative, he asked whether any midget 14357nuns were to be found in any of the neighboring parish. Again the reply 14358was no. 14359 The tiny man scratched his head and posed a final question. "Beggin' 14360your pardon, Mother Superior, but would you know of *any* midget nuns at 14361all, anywhere?" The nun shook her head. 14362 At which the first midget turned to the second midget, put his hand 14363on his shoulder, and said, "You see, I told you you fucked a penguin!" 14364% 14365Two nuns, a mother superior and a new nun, are walking home one night from 14366church when they are attacked by two vicious rapists. The two men drag the 14367nuns off into the bushes and proceed to have their way with them. The mother 14368superior is very afraid, but she knows that God will protect her. To show her 14369strength and trust in God she yells out "Forgive him Father, for he knows not 14370what he does!" 14371 To which the young nun replies "Oooooh, mine does!!" 14372% 14373Two old men are walking down the boardwalk when one of them tells the other 14374that he has to leave, his wife is expecting him to come home and make love 14375with her. 14376 The other man is astonished. "Make love to your wife? You're as old 14377as I am! Nearly eighty years old! What do you mean you have to go home and 14378make love to your wife?" 14379 The first man smiles and says, "We have a *great* sex life. We make 14380love every day." 14381 "You're kidding!" says his friend. "How do you do it?" 14382 "Pumpernickel bread. That's the secret." And he dashes off home. 14383 The other man starts to walk home. "Hmmm," he thinks to himself 14384pumpernickel bread. Well, it's worth a try." So he goes into a nearby 14385bakery. 14386 Going up to the woman at the counter, he asks for their entire stock 14387of pumpernickel bread. The woman stares at him in astonishment. "You want 14388all the pumpernickel bread we have? Are you sure? Don't you know that it 14389will get hard?" 14390 "How come," demands the man, "everybody knows about this but me?" 14391% 14392Two Peace Corp. doctors who had just returned to a stateside hospital 14393were in front of the main desk in the midst of a heated argument that 14394went along these lines: 14395 (1st doctor) "No, no, no! It's 'waaaahmmmb'" 14396 (2nd doctor) "No you're wrong! It's 'woooooommmb'" 14397and this continued for quite sometime. 14398 Finally a nurse stepped in and said: "The correct pronunciation is 14399'womb'" and trotted off. 14400 (1st doctor) "That shows you what she knows." 14401 (2nd doctor) "Yeah. I bet she's never even SEEN a hippopotamus, 14402let alone heard one fart underwater." 14403% 14404Two pirates are sitting in a seaside tavern, talking. One of them has a 14405hook instead of a hand, and an eye patch. The other pirate has a wooden 14406leg. Over a few beers, they start to tell each other how they received their 14407injuries. 14408 "One day," says the first pirate, "we had pulled alongside a merchant 14409vessel and were boarding her. I had my sword drawn when suddenly a man with 14410a saber caught me by surprise and cut my hand off. So I had this hook put 14411on. How did you lose your leg?" 14412 "From a broadside of grapeshot from an English military vessel, in a 14413terrific battle off the coast of France. And how about your eye?" 14414 "Well, I don't really like to talk about it," said the first pirate. 14415 "Come on," says the second pirate. "It doesn't matter after all 14416these years, does it?" 14417 "Oh, okay," says the first pirate. "See, it's pretty embarrassing; 14418a seagull shit in my eye." 14419 "A seagull!? I can see how that would hurt, but I don't see why 14420you would *lose* the eye..." 14421 "But," the first pirate says, "it was my first day with the hook." 14422% 14423Two recent emigrants to the United States, on their first day off the boat 14424in New York City, spied a hotdog vendor. "Do they eat dogs in America?" 14425one asked his companion. 14426 "I don't know." 14427 "Well, if we're going to live in America, we have to learn to eat 14428American foods." 14429 So they each bought a wax paper wrapped hotdog and sat down to eat 14430them on a nearby park bench. One man looked inside his wax paper, then over 14431at the other man, and asked, "So, what part did you get?" 14432% 14433Two women are talking; one says to the other, "Say, weren't you dating that 14434cute French horn player? What ever happened to him?" 14435 "Well," replies her friend, we're still seeing each other, but, 14436I must admit, we've had some problems." 14437 "Problems? What's wrong?" 14438 "You see," says the second woman, "every time he kisses me, he 14439wants to shove his fist up my ass." 14440% 14441Two young men seated in a restaurant were watching a customer busily 14442disposing of a plate of oysters on the half shell. One of the young 14443men remarked to his friend, 14444 "Did you ever hear that business about raw oysters being 14445good for a man's virility?" 14446 "Yes, why?" the friend replied. 14447 "Well, take it from me, that's a lot of foolishness. I ate a 14448dozen of them the other night, and only nine worked." 14449% 14450Un moine au milieu de la messe A monk in the middle of mass 14451S'eleva et cria en detresse; Stood up and cried out in distress; 14452 "La vie religieuse, "The religious life 14453 C'est sale et affreuse," Is dirty and horrid," 14454Et se poignarda dans les fesses. And stabbed himself in the ass. 14455 -- Edward Gorey 14456% 14457Uncle Sam comes off as the perverted relative who'll offer you a 14458bit of candy, but if you won't bend over for him, you get a beating. 14459% 14460"Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the 14461opposite." 14462 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 14463% 14464Unitarians pray "To whom it may concern". 14465% 14466Unix programmers do it with pipes. 14467% 14468Upon leaving a hotel bar one evening, an executive noticed a drunk sitting 14469on the edge of a potted palm in the lobby, crying like a baby. Because he'd 14470had a couple himself that night, and was feeling rather sorry for his fellow 14471man, he asked the inebriated one what the trouble was. 14472 "I did a terrible thing tonight," sniffled the drunk. "I sold my 14473wife to a guy for a bottle of Scotch." 14474 "That is terrible," said the man, too much under the weather to 14475muster any real indignation. "And now that she's gone, you wish you had her 14476back." 14477 "Thas right," said the drunk, still sniffling. 14478 "You're sorry you sold her, because you realize too late that you 14479love her," sympathized the executive. 14480 "No, no," said the drunk. "I wish I had her back because I'm 14481thirsty again." 14482% 14483Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid 14484or DMT. "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth 14485noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon. 14486 -- Hunter S. Thompson 14487% 14488U.S. of A.: 14489 "Don't speak to the bus driver." 14490Germany: 14491 "It is strictly forbidden for passengers to speak to the driver." 14492England: 14493 "You are requested to refrain from speaking to the driver." 14494Scotland: 14495 "What have you got to gain by speaking to the driver?" 14496Italy: 14497 "Don't answer the driver." 14498% 14499Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran: 14500 14501AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN. 14502 Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun. 14503 14504FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR. 14505 I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down 14506 on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart. 14507 14508SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH QEH GOFTEH BANDE. 14509 I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life. 14510% 14511Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran: 14512 14513AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST. 14514 It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to 14515 travel in the trunk of your car. 14516 14517FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO 14518GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHVAREHMAN. 14519 If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital 14520 appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my 14521 country in public. 14522 14523KHREL, JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEH AMRIKAHEY. 14524 I will tell you the names and addresses of 14525 many American spies traveling as reporters. 14526% 14527Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran: 14528 14529MAMNOUNAN GHORBAN IN DAFAYEH MEEMUNAM. 14530 It is with greatest pleasure that I sign 14531 this confession of capital crimes. 14532 14533MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GHORBAN. 14534 The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency. 14535 14536TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM. 14537 The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you. 14538 I must have the recipe. 14539 14540ETEHFOR'AN, DEHRATEE, OTAGEH SHOMA MIKRASTAM KHE 14541DO HAFTAEH BA BODANEH SHEEREEL TEEGZ. 14542 Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed 14543 self than spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs. 14544% 14545USENET is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea -- 14546massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and 14547a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least 14548expect it. 14549 -- Gene Spafford 14550% 14551User friendly software searching for friendly Hardware to interface with. 14552Hardware may present itself in floppy format as software has capability to 14553upgrading same to full size firm. Size is not all that important; but byte 14554sized bandwidth required -- header width is of more concern. Joystick should 14555be able to toggle in different speeds and for some duration. Software is 14556looking for system willing to perform intensive manipulation of keyboard as 14557well as preparing the mainframe and disk drives. Fingering of all files 14558permitted, and encouraged, before thrusting joystick into drive. Software 14559is programmed not to copy; there is no need for removing joystick before 14560completed execution of program. Program may be run several times per day... 14561especially if special features and options are utilized. 14562% 14563vagina, n: 14564 The box a penis comes in. 14565% 14566vaginal lubricant, n: 14567 A slitty slicker. 14568% 14569Vandalism On The Upswing! 14570 Last night, windows were broken and graffiti was sprayed over the 14571 front of the local sex shop, Le Sex Boutique, causing several hundred 14572 dollars in damage. In a later anonymous phone call, the provisional 14573 wing of the Salvation Army claimed responsibility. 14574% 14575Vatican upholds ban on contraceptives: "To heir is humane," claims the Pope. 14576% 14577Vd, n: 14578 The gift that keeps on giving. 14579% 14580Vegetarians for oral sex -- "The only meat that's fit to eat" 14581% 14582Very few modern women either like or desire marriage, especially after the 14583ceremony has been performed. Primarily women wish attention and affection. 14584Matrimony is something they accept when there is no alternative. Really, 14585it is a waste of time, and hazardous, to marry them. It leaves one open 14586to a rival. Husbands, good or bad, always have rivals. Lovers, never. 14587 -- Helen Lawrenson, "Esquire" 14588% 14589Vidi, vici, veni. 14590(I saw, I conquered, I came.) 14591% 14592Viennese Oyster: Lady who can cross her feet behind her head, lying on her 14593back, of course. When she has done so, you hold her tightly round each instep 14594with your full hand and squeeze, lying on her full-length. Don't try to put 14595an unsupple partner into this position -- it can't be achieved by brute force. 14596You can get a very similar sensation -- unique rocking pelvic movement -- with 14597less expertise if she crosses her ankles on her tummy, knees to shoulders, and 14598you lie on her crossed ankles with your full weight. Why "Viennese" we don't 14599know. Tolerable for short periods only but gives tremendous genital pressure 14600for both. 14601 -- The Joy of Sex 14602% 14603Virgin, n.: 14604 An ugly third grader. 14605% 14606Virginity is a bubble on the sea of life, 14607which takes but one prick to break. 14608 -- Jordan Sand 14609% 14610VIRGO (Aug. 23 to Sep. 22) 14611 Get it in writing. Be careful. You are surrounded by lechers and 14612 assholes; birds of a feather flock together. Trust no one. People 14613 will not be offended, because they've come to recognize you for the 14614 paranoid neurotic that you are. Your dentures are loose. 14615% 14616Visiting a lawyer for advice, the wife said, "I want you to help me obtain a 14617divorce. My husband is getting a little queer to sleep with." 14618 What do you mean?" asked the attorney. "Does he force you to indulge 14619in unusual sex practices?" 14620 "No, he doesn't," replied the woman, "and neither does the little 14621queer." 14622% 14623W. Lafayette may not be the asshole of the universe... 14624 but you sure as hell can see it from there! 14625% 14626Waldheimers disease is what you have when you can't remember you were a Nazi. 14627% 14628War is menstruation envy. 14629% 14630Was it you that did the pushin', 14631Left the stains upon the cushion, 14632The footprints on the dashboard upside-down? 14633Was it you, you little pecker, 14634That got into my Rebecca, 14635If you did, you'd better leave this town! 14636 14637Yes, 'twas I that did the pushin', 14638Left the stains upon the cushion, 14639Footprints on the dashboard upside-down. 14640But since I stuck your daughter, 14641I've had trouble passin' water, 14642So I guess we're kind of even all around! 14643% 14644wasp, n: 14645 Someone who gets out of the shower to take a piss. 14646% 14647Watch out for a cold wave this week. (Or maybe a warm WAC.) 14648% 14649Watching girls go passing by 14650It ain't the latest thing 14651I'm just standing in a doorway 14652I'm just trying to make some sense 14653Out of these girls passing by A smile relieves the heart that grieves 14654The tales they tell of men Remember what I said 14655I'm not waiting on a lady I'm not waiting on a lady 14656I'm just waiting on a friend I'm just waiting on a friend 14657... 14658Don't need a whore 14659Don't need no booze 14660Don't need a virgin priest Ooh, making love and breaking hearts 14661But I need someone I can cry to It is a game for youth 14662I need someone to protect But I'm not waiting on a lady 14663 I'm just waiting on a friend 14664 I'm just waiting on a friend 14665 -- Rolling Stones, "Waiting on a Friend" 14666% 14667"Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish fuck in it." 14668 -- W. C. Fields 14669% 14670We ... make the modern error of dignifying the Individual. We do everything 14671we can to butter him up. We give him a name, assure him that he has certain 14672inalienable rights, educate him, let him pass on his name to his brats and 14673when he dies we give him a special hole in the ground ... But after all, he's 14674only a seed, a bloom and a withering stalk among pressing billions. Your 14675Individual is a pretty disgusting, vain, lewd little bastard ... By God, 14676he has only one right guaranteed him in Nature, and that is the right to die 14677and stink to Heaven. 14678 -- Ross Lockridge, quoted in "Short Lives" by Katinka Matson 14679% 14680We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb 14681your cities. 14682 -- Robin Williams 14683% 14684We are upping our standards ... so up yours. 14685 -- Pat Paulsen for President 14686% 14687We aren't what we eat. We are what we don't shit. 14688 -- Hugh Romney 14689% 14690We boggies are a hairy folk Ever hungry, ever thirsting, 14691Who like to eat until we choke. Never stop till belly's bursting. 14692Loving all like friend and brother, Chewing chop and pork and muttons, 14693And hardly ever eat each other. A merry race of boring gluttons. 14694 14695Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE. 14696 14697Boggies gather 'round the table, Anything edible, we've got dibs on, 14698Eat as much as you are able. And hope we all die with our bibs on. 14699Gorge yourselves from moon till noon Ever gay, we'll never grow up, 14700(Don't forget your plate and spoon.) Come! And sing and play and throw-up! 14701 14702Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE! 14703 -- Bored of the Rings, "The Hobbits National Anthem" 14704% 14705We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid. 14706% 14707We came, we saw, we kicked its ass! 14708 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" 14709% 14710We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand. 14711 -- James Watt, noted ecologist 14712% 14713"We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at 14714hand." 14715 -- James Watt 14716% 14717We drove to the hotel and said goodbye. How hypocritical to go upstairs 14718with a man you don't want to fuck, leave the one you do sitting there alone, 14719and then, in a state of great excitement, fuck the one you don't want to 14720fuck while pretending he's the one you do. That's called fidelity. That's 14721called civilization and its discontents. 14722 -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying" 14723% 14724We must! We must! 14725We must increase our bust! 14726The bigger the better! 14727The tighter the sweater! 14728And the boys will think more of us! 14729% 14730We sailed on the good ship Venus, 14731My God, you should have seen us 14732 With a figurehead 14733 Of a whore in bed 14734And the mast an upright penis 14735 14736The captain of the lugger 14737Was known as a filthy bugger 14738 Declared unfit 14739 To shovel shit 14740From one ship to another 14741 14742The first mate's name was Cooper, 14743By god he was a trooper 14744 He jerked and jerked 14745 Until he worked 14746Himself into a stupor 14747 14748The cabin boy was chipper, 14749A dandy little nipper 14750 He shoved cracked glass 14751 Inside his ass 14752And circumcised the skipper 14753 14754The captain's wife was Charlotte, 14755Born and bred a harlot 14756 Her thighs at night 14757 Were lily white 14758By morning they were scarlet 14759 14760The captain's youngest daughter 14761Slipped into the water 14762 Her plaintive squeals 14763 Announced that eels 14764Had found her sexual quarter 14765 14766The ship's dog's name was Rover, 14767They turned the poor beast over 14768 And ground and ground 14769 That faithful hound 14770From Tenerief to Dover 14771% 14772"We should declare war on North Vietnam. We could pave the whole 14773country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas." 14774 -- Ronald Reagan 14775% 14776We took some pictures of the girls, but they weren't developed. 14777 -- Groucho Marx 14778% 14779We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids, 14780Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods, 14781I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids, 14782And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me! 14783(chorus) (chorus) 14784 14785In the church of Aphrodite, 14786The priestess wears a see through nightie, 14787She's a mighty righteous sightie, 14788And she's good enough for me! 14789(chorus) 14790 14791CHORUS: Give me that old time religion, 14792 Give me that old time religion, 14793 Give me that old time religion, 14794 'Cause it's good enough for me! 14795% 14796Welcome back, my friends, to the show that never ends! 14797We're so glad you could attend, come inside, come inside! 14798There behind the glass there's a real blade of grass, 14799Be careful as you pass, move along, move along. 14800Come inside, the show's about to start, 14801Guaranteed to blow your head apart. 14802Rest assured, you'll get your money's worth, 14803Greatest show, in heaven, hell or earth! 14804You gotta see the show! It's a dynamo! 14805You gotta see the show! It's rock 'n' roll! 14806 -- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2) 14807% 14808Welcome to Fortune Blackmail!! 14809 Ms. Kat****** Bl****an is the mistress of a well-known 14810 banker in Houston, Texas. That's $5000, please, to stop 14811 us from revealing both of your names, Mr. L*****, so that 14812 your wife Doreen, and your lovely children Diane, Janice 14813 and Tom need never know the name of your mistress. You 14814 have two days to reach us at: 14815 14816 Fortune Blackmail 14817 Behind the hot water pipes, 14818 Third stall from the end, 14819 Greyhound Bus Terminal, Fayette MO. 14820% 14821Welcome to Fortune Blackmail!! 14822 This is the first of a series of revelations which could 14823 add up to a divorce, premature retirement and possible 14824 criminal proceedings for a company vice-president in Langley Virginia. 14825 So, Mr. S*****, $10,000 please to stop us from revealing: 14826 1: Whose shoulders you were sitting on. 14827 2: What you were doing. 14828 3: The names of the three people involved. 14829 4: The youth organization to which they belonged. 14830 5: The shop where you bought the equipment. 14831% 14832Well, actually, I don't mind going to weddings or anything, as long as they're 14833not my own, I show up, but uh, I've always kinda been partial to callin' myself 14834up on the phone, asking myself out, y'know, yeah, one thing about it, you're 14835always around. Yeah, I know, yeah, you ask yourself out, y'know, some class 14836joint somewhere, the Burrito King, or somethin', y'know, well, I ain't cheap 14837y'know. Take yourself out for a coupla drinks, mebbe, then you eat, some 14838provocative conversation on the way home, and uh, park in front of the house, 14839y'know, and you, oh yeah, you smoo with yourself, put a little nice music on, 14840mebbe you put on like, uh, y'know, like shoppin' music, something that's not 14841too interruptive, y'know, and then uh, y'know, slide over real nice, and say, 14842"Oh, I think you have something in your eye", well, maybe it's not that 14843romantic with you, but I don't, y'know, I get into it, y'know, I take myself 14844up to the porch, and uh, take myself inside, maybe, oh, I might get a little 14845something in a brandy snifter, "Would you like to listen to some of my back 14846records, I got something here...", well, usually, about two-thirty in the 14847morning, you've ended up takin' advantage of yourself, and there ain't no way 14848around that, y'know, yeah, makin' the scene with a magazine, ain't no way 14849around it. I'll confess, y'know, I'm no different, y'know, I'm not weird 14850about it or anything, I don't tie myself up first, I just, I just kinda 14851spend a little time with myself. 14852 -- Tom Waits, "Nighthawks at the Diner" 14853% 14854Well buggered was a boy named Delpasse 14855By all of the lads in his class 14856 He said, with a yawn, 14857 "Now the novelty's gone 14858And it's only a pain in the ass." 14859% 14860Well, God gave me a bust. What am I supposed to do with it? 14861 -- Martha Mitchell 14862% 14863Well, he went down to dinner in his Sunday best, 14864Excitable boy, they all said! 14865And he rubbed the pot roast all over his chest, 14866Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy.) 14867 14868He took in the 4am show at the Clark, 14869Excitable boy, they all said! 14870And he bit the usherette's leg in the dark, 14871Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy.) 14872 14873He took little Susie to the junior prom, 14874Excitable boy, they all said! 14875And he raped her and killed her, then he took her home, 14876Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy!) 14877 14878After ten long years they let him out of the home, 14879Excitable boy, they all said! 14880And he dug up her grave and built a cage with her bones, 14881Excitable boy, they all said! (Well, he's just an excitable boy.) 14882 -- Warren Zevon, "Excitable Boy" 14883% 14884Well, I don't know where they come from but they sure do come, 14885I hope they comin' for me! 14886And I don't know how they do it but they sure do it good, 14887I hope they doin' it for free! 14888They give me cat scratch fever... cat scratch fever! 14889First time that I got it I was just ten years old, 14890Got it from the kitty next door... 14891I went to see the doctor and he gave me the cure, 14892I think I got it some more! 14893Got a bad scratch fever... 14894 -- Ted Nugent, "Cat Scratch Fever" 14895% 14896"Well, I took your advice, Doc", said Knopp, 14897"And told my wife to try it on top. 14898 She bounced for an hour, 14899 Till she ran out of power, 14900And the kids, who'd grown bored, made us stop." 14901% 14902Well, I went to a party, and what did they do? 14903They took off their socks and they took off their shoes. 14904They took off their shirts, and they took off their pants, 14905I had a hunch, we weren't gonna dance. 14906 14907Everybody, everybody's ass was bare, 14908No bras left, just a queer over there. 14909But the whole damn thing didn't faze me a bit; 14910I just jumped on the pile and grabbed some tit. 14911 14912My baby's not a sports fan, 14913But she plays with balls whenever she can. 14914'Cause her favorite sport you see, 14915Is playing tonsil hockey. 14916[chorus] 14917 Eat, bite, fuck, suck, gobble, nibble, chew; 14918 Nipple, bosom, hair pie, finger fuck, screw. 14919 Moose piss, cat pud, orangutan tit; 14920 Sheep pussy, camel crack, pig-lie-in-shit. 14921 -- Doctor Dirty, "The Eat-Bite Song" 14922% 14923Well, I'd left home just a week before, 14924And I'd never ever kissed a woman before, 14925But Lola smiled and took me by the hand, 14926And said 'Little boy, gonna make you a man!' 14927Well, I'm not the world's most masculine man, 14928But I know what I am and I'm glad I'm a man and so's Lola. 14929La, la, la, la-Lola... la, la, la, la-Lola... Lola. 14930 -- The Kinks 14931% 14932Well, it seems that there was this traveling saleswoman whose car broke 14933down, late at night, in the middle of a torrential downpour. Hoping to 14934find a phone she ran to a nearby farmhouse. When she was unable to find 14935a garage still open, the farmer told her that, while they were short of 14936beds, she could sleep with his daughter. The daughter proved to eighteen 14937and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly afterward, the saleswoman 14938rolled over toward the daughter and said, "Dear, I'm sure that you're aware 14939that some women like... to be with... other women. Let me be frank..." 14940 "No!" interrupted the daughter, sternly. "This time *I* want to 14941be Frank!" 14942% 14943"Well, madam," the bishop declared, 14944While the vicar just mumbled and stared, 14945 "'Twere better, perhaps, 14946 In the crypt or the apse, 14947Because sex in the nave must be shared." 14948% 14949Well, now that SUN's in bed with AT&T, I sure hope she sleeps with her 14950back to the wall. 14951 -- Guy Harris, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems 14952 14953Eat shit and die. Strong memo to follow. 14954 -- Mike O'Dell, on AT&T buying 20% of SUN Microsystems 14955% 14956Well, see, I was out with this chick last night, and we were in bed, and 14957she groaned to me, "Give me nine inches, and make it hurt!" So, I fucked 14958her twice and slapped her. 14959% 14960Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator. Now, I had 14961my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco. Surely 14962you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another! 14963% 14964Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt 14965great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just 14966felt so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at 14967him: "WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" And this poor 14968quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one is mightier 14969than you." A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just 14970bellows out: "WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE 14971ANIMALS?" The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages 14972to stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the 14973jungle." The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that 14974was quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: 14975"WHO IS THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" Well, this 14976elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams him down; 14977picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of 14978orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. 14979The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says: 14980"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so 14981pissed." 14982% 14983Well, you almost got it right. The only problem is, you're doing it exactly 14984backwards! Just reverse the motions you described and your partner will 14985experience an incredibly intense orgasm. One trouble with this technique, 14986though, is that it works so well. Believe me, word will get around about 14987your newfound prowess and you'll be inundated by prospective sexual partners. 14988So try to be discreet. I prefer maple syrup to pineapple/apricot lotion, but 14989that's a matter of personal preference. Also, I'd advise against the syrup, 14990or using honey, if you're outside, because the insects it attracts tend to 14991distract the quail. You can substitute crazy glue (but obviously not thumb 14992tacks!) for the masking tape, but only if you don't want to use the piano for 14993awhile. 14994% 14995Well, you got your mules and you got your racehorses, and you can kick 14996a mule in the ass all you want, and he's still not gonna be a racehorse. 14997 -- Billy Martin, "Esquire", May, 1984 14998% 14999Well, you see, it's such a transitional creature. It's a piss-poor reptile 15000and not very much of a bird. 15001 -- Melvin Konner, from "The Tangled Wing", quoting a 15002 zoologist who has studied the archeopteryx and found it 15003 "very much like people". 15004% 15005Well, you see there was this neighborhood that had a priest, a minister, and 15006a rabbi who lived near each other. One summer afternoon the priest went out 15007and bought himself a new car, and the minister and rabbi, not to be outdone, 15008did the same. 15009 The next day the priest went out and blessed his car. The minister 15010hired a crane and baptized his car in a swimming pool. The rabbi, after 15011thinking seriously for a bit, got a hacksaw and cut three inches off the end 15012of the tail pipe. 15013% 15014We're all looking for a woman who can sit in a mini-skirt and talk 15015philosophy, executing both with confidence and style. 15016% 15017WE'RE GOING TO THROW THE MX AWAY AFTER WE BUILD IT. The MX is really 15018[Don't tell anybody!] just a "bargaining chip" in the nuclear-arms- 15019reduction talks with the Russians. See, we have a problem with the 15020Russians. They look at our leaders and they see, for example, George 15021Bush, who is really a fine and brave man but who happens to have this 15022unfortunate physical characteristic whereby when he talks he sounds as 15023though he just inhaled a helium party balloon. If he ever becomes 15024President, the Russians will deliberately create nuclear crises just so 15025they can gather around the Hot Line with refreshments and listen to 15026George talk. 15027 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against 15028 Political Fallout" 15029% 15030Were it not for imagination, sir, a man would be as happy in the arms 15031of a chambermaid as a duchess. 15032 -- Dr. Johnson 15033% 15034wet dream, n: 15035 Overnight sensation. 15036% 15037We've all heard about the woman who married a Field Service engineer but 15038divorced him after one day because he'd done nothing on their wedding night 15039but promise to have it up in 15 minutes. What few people realize is that the 15040poor man was in the bathroom all night, masturbating furiously, muttering 15041"I just don't understand, it passes all the diagnostics!" 15042% 15043"We've got things well in hand." 15044 -- Master Byte Software, Los Gatos California. 15045% 15046We've just received the results of a survey conducted to ascertain the 15047various reasons men get out of bed in the middle of the night. According 15048to the report, 2% are motivated by a desire to visit the bathroom, and 150493% have an urge to raid the refrigerator. The other 95% get up to go home. 15050% 15051What a man enjoys most about a woman's clothes are his fantasies of how 15052she would look without them. 15053 -- Brendan Francis 15054% 15055What can you use used tampons for? Tea bags for vampires. 15056% 15057What creatures of habit we are. This morning, without thinking, half asleep, 15058I put $100 on my pillow. That's not so bad, no one would worry about it, but 15059my wife, half asleep, without thinking, gave me $20 change. 15060% 15061What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas? 15062A Dan Quayle watch. 15063% 15064What did Snow white say when told she was pregnant? 15065 "I'd like to thank all the little people who made this possible..." 15066 15067Presumably this all started that evening when she was feeling Happy... 15068% 15069What do hookers do on their nights off, type? 15070 -- Elayn Boosler 15071% 15072What do you call someone with herpes, AIDS, syphilis, and gonorrhea? 15073An incurable romantic. 15074% 15075What is a promiscuous person -- it's usually someone who is getting more 15076sex than you are. 15077 -- Victor Lownes, quoted in "In and Out: Debrett 1980-81", 15078 by N. Mackwood 15079% 15080What is the difficulty with writing a PDP-8 program to emulate Jerry 15081Ford? 15082 15083Figuring out what to do with the other 3K. 15084% 15085What the fuck, over? 15086% 15087What this department needs is a really good inflatable doll. 15088% 15089What with chromodynamics and electroweak too 15090Our Standardized Model should please even you, 15091Tho' once you did say that of charm there was none 15092It took courage to switch as to say Earth moves not Sun. 15093Yet your state of the union penultimate large 15094Is the last known haunt of the Fractional Charge, 15095And as you surf in the hot tub with sourdough roll 15096Please ponder the passing of your sole Monopole. 15097Your Olympics were fun, you should bring them all back 15098For transsexual tennis or Anamalon Track, 15099But Hollywood movies remain sinfully crude 15100Whether seen on the telly or Remotely Viewed. 15101Now fasten your sunbelts, for you've done it once more, 15102You said it in Leipzig of the thing we adore, 15103That you've built an incredible crystalline sphere 15104Whose German attendants spread trembling and fear 15105Of the death of our theory by Particle Zeta 15106Which I'll bet is not there say your article, later. 15107 -- Sheldon Glashow, Physics Today, December, 1984 15108% 15109What you mean, how old am I? About one hundred! But Viennese answer is 15110better: we say, "I keep passing the open windows." This is an old joke. 15111There was a street clown called King of the Mice: he trained rodents, he 15112did horoscopes, he could impersonate Napoleon, he could make dogs fart 15113on command. One night he jumped out his window with all his pets in a box. 15114Written on the box was this: "Life is serious, but art is fun!" I hear his 15115funeral was a party. A street artist had killed himself. Nobody had 15116supported him but now everybody missed him. Now who would make the dogs 15117make music and the mice pant? The bear knows this, too: it is hard work 15118and great art to make life not so serious. 15119 -- John Irving "The Hotel New Hampshire" 15120% 15121Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stay. 15122% 15123What's on the floor of the old hen-house? 15124Doo-doo, doo-doo. 15125 -- Foghorn Leghorn, to "Camptown Ladies" 15126% 15127What's the worst thing about being an atheist? 15128Noone to talk to when you're having an orgasm. 15129% 15130When a girl admits she's had a checkered career, it's your move. 15131% 15132When a man grows old and his balls 15133 grow cold, So find me a seat and stand me a drink 15134And the end of his knob turns blue; And a tale to you I'll tell 15135When it's bent in the middle like a Of Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete 15136 one-string fiddle, And the gentle Eskimo Nell. 15137He can tell a tale or two. 15138 15139When Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete 15140Go out in search of fun, And when Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete 15141It's usually Dick who wields the prick Are sore, depressed, and mad, 15142And Mexican Pete the gun. 'Tis the cunt that bears the brunt 15143 So the shooting ain't so bad. 15144There was rarely a day without a lay 15145And usually two or three Now Dead-eye Dick and Mexican Pete 15146For Dead-eye Dick, his kingly prick Had been hunting in Deadman's creek. 15147Was always like a tree. And they'd had no luck in the way of 15148 a fuck 15149Just a moose or two and a caribou, For nigh on half a week. 15150And a bison cow or so; 15151And for Dead-eye Dick with his kingly prick 15152This fucking was mighty slow. 15153 -- The Ballad of Eskimo Nell 15154% 15155When better women are made, computer programmers will make them. 15156% 15157When ev'rybody's tryin' to sleep, 15158I'm somewhere makin' my midnight creep. Chorus: 15159In the mornin' the rooster crow, I am a back door man, 15160Somethin' tells me I got to go. I am a back door man, 15161 Well, the men don't know, 15162They take me to the doctor, But the little girls understand. 15163 shot full of holes, 15164Nurse try to save a soul. 15165Killed her for murder first degree, 15166Judge what tried let the man go free. 15167 15168Stand up, cop's wife cried, don't take him down, 15169Rather be dead six feet in the ground. 15170When you come home, you can eat pork and beans, 15171I eats more chicken than any man's seen. 15172 -- Willie Dixon, "Backdoor Man", 1961 15173% 15174When God created man, She was only testing. 15175% 15176When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it. 15177 -- Charles Merrill Smith 15178% 15179When he tried to inject his huge whanger 15180A young man aroused his girl's anger. 15181 As they strove in the dark 15182 She was heard to remark, 15183"What you need is a zeppelin hanger." 15184% 15185When his company fell on hard times, the boss realized that he'd have to 15186lay off one of his two middle managers. As both Jack and Liz were equally 15187honest and dedicated to their jobs, he was unable to decide which one to 15188fire. To resolve his dilemma, the boss arbitrarily decided that the first 15189to leave his or her desk the next morning would be the one to get the ax. 15190 The next morning found Liz at her desk, rubbing her temples. Asking 15191Jack for some aspirin, she headed for the water fountain and that's where 15192the boss caught up with her. "I've got some bad news for you, Liz," he said. 15193"I've got to lay you or Jack off." 15194 "Jack off," she snapped. "I have a headache." 15195% 15196"When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that 15197can't happen." 15198 -- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal) 15199% 15200When I need something 15201To help me unwind 15202I find a six-foot baby What kind of guy 15203With a one-track mind Does a lot for me 15204Smart guys are nowhere Superman 15205They make demands With a lobotomy 15206Give me a moron My father's out of Harvard 15207With talented hands My brother's out of Yale 15208I go bar-hopping Well the guy I took home last night 15209And they say "Last call" Just got out of jail 15210I start shopping The way he grabbed and threw me 15211For a Neanderthal Oooo, it really got me hot 15212 But the way he growled and bit me 15213The bigger they come I hoped he had his shots 15214The harder I fall 15215In love till we're done The bigger they are 15216Then they're out in the hall The harder they'll work 15217 I got a soft spot 15218 For a good-looking jerk 15219 -- Julie Brown, "I Like 'Em Big and Stupid" 15220% 15221When I was eight years old I came home with tears in my eyes because some 15222kids had stolen my sandwich. My father handed me an ice pick, and said, 15223"Next time, hit 'em first and hit 'em hard." 15224 -- Jake LaMotta 15225 15226You can't go into the ring and be a nice guy. I would go a month, two 15227months, without having sex. It worked for me because it made me a 15228vicious animal. You can't fight if you have any compassion or anything 15229like that. 15230 -- Jake LaMotta 15231% 15232When in calling, plain speaking is out; 15233When the ladies (God bless 'em) are milling about, 15234You may wet, make water, or empty the glass; 15235You can powder your nose, or the "johnny" will pass. 15236It's a drain for the lily, or man about dog 15237When everyone's drunk, it's condensing the fog; 15238But sure as the devil, that word with a hiss 15239It's only in Shakespeare that characters ____. 15240 -- Ogden Nash 15241% 15242When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by a dog's 15243rule of life: if you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it! 15244% 15245When Snow White turns on with the dwarfs she probably winds up feeling Dopey. 15246% 15247When somebody protested at [Pope Alexander VI's] wholesale distribution of 15248pardons for the most heinous crimes -- one of which included the murder of 15249a daughter by the father -- he retorted easily, "It is not God's will that 15250a sinner should die, but that he should live -- and pay." 15251 -- E.R. Chamberlin, "The Bad Popes" 15252 15253Judas sold Christ for 30 denari, this man [Pope Alexander VI] would sell 15254him for 29. 15255 -- Ottaviano Ubaldini, chamberlain to Pope Alexander VI 15256% 15257When the naive young lady asked the clerk in Le Sex Shoppe to show her his 15258selection of vibrators, he brought out the two most popular ones. 15259 "The basic white plastic one here is twenty dollars," the clerk said. 15260"The flesh-toned rubber models are thirty." 15261 "I'm just not sure," the woman said, Then she noticed an eye-catching 15262item on the back shelf. "How much is that plaid one over there? 15263 "Uh, well, that's a pretty special one," said the clerk. "I couldn't 15264sell you that one for less than a hundred." 15265 "I'll take it." 15266 Later that day, the store owner checked in to see how business was 15267going. "Great," the clerk told him. "This morning, I sold four white 15268vibrators and three flesh-toned ones. And, this afternoon, I got a hundred 15269bucks for my Thermos." 15270% 15271When the prick stands up, the brains get buried in the ground. 15272 -- Old Jewish saying 15273 15274[How come there aren't ever any "New Jewish sayings?" Ed.] 15275% 15276When the shit hits the fan, keep your mouth shut! 15277% 15278When they tell me to stick it where 15279the sun don't shine, I put it in Oregon. 15280% 15281When things go wrong as they usually will, 15282And your daily road seems all uphill, 15283When funds are low and debts are high, 15284When you try to smile, but can only cry -- 15285And you really feel you'd like to quit, 15286Don't talk to me; I don't give a shit. 15287% 15288When you and I are far apart 15289Can sorrow break your tender heart? 15290I love you darling, yes I do; 15291Sleep is so sweet when I dream of you; 15292All you are is a blossoming rose. 15293Night is here so I must close. 15294With care read the first word of each line. 15295You will find a question of mine. 15296 -- Yours hopefully, The VAX. 15297% 15298When you're lying on the bed, 15299And the thought is in your head, 15300But the feeling is way down between your legs, 15301Take your problem in your hand, 15302And beat it to the band, 15303And try your best to keep it off the walls. 15304 15305Don't let your lover tell you, 15306Don't let anybody sell you, 15307That the joy of masturbation is a crime. 15308For I've rid myself of fears, 15309(I've been doing it for years) 15310And now I have an erection all the time. 15311% 15312Whenever someone tells you to "take it like a man" it usually means 15313up your ass. 15314% 15315"Where'd she get those crow's feet? You really want to know?" 15316"Yeah." 15317"From squinting and screaming, "Suck what!?" 15318% 15319Which of the following doesn't belong? 15320 a. meat 15321 b. eggs 15322 c. drum 15323 d. blowjob. 15324 15325Answer: 15326 d: A blowjob, because you can beat your meat, your eggs, 15327 or your drum, but you just can't beat a blowjob. 15328% 15329While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who 15330was pretty, chic, and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his 15331hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, as 15332will happen, the executive sadly found himself unable to perform. 15333 On his first night home, the executive padded naked from the shower 15334into the bedroom to find his wife swathed in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair 15335curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly as she pored through a movie 15336magazine. And then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent 15337erection. 15338 Looking down at his throbbing member, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful, 15339mixed-up, son-of-a-bitch! Now I know why they call you a prick!" 15340% 15341While farmers generally allow one rooster for ten hens, ten men are 15342scarcely sufficient to service one woman. 15343 -- Boccaccio 15344% 15345While I, with my usual enthusiasm, 15346Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm, 15347 She explained, "They are flat, 15348 But think nothing of that -- 15349You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm." 15350% 15351While not actually a sailor, I certainly enjoy getting blown ashore. 15352% 15353While sitting 'neath an oak one morn 15354In thought on this and that, 15355A tiny, twitt'ring little bird "Oh tiny bird, O Nature's gift 15356A load dropped in my hat. Of music and of wit! 15357 Why didst thou feel that my best hat 15358"Thy music gladdens my poor soul, Was thy best place to shit?" 15359And brings joy to my heart. 15360But tell me, little bird divine, The tiny bird a few notes sang, 15361Why didst thou not just fart?" Then answer'd "Pardon me, 15362 For thy hat I thought was my nest, 15363I rose and stood in solemn awe A-fallen from the tree." 15364His words to better mull, 15365Then lifted up a paving block 15366And crushed his fucking skull. 15367 -- Bill Wordsworth, "A Tiny Twitt'ring Bird" 15368% 15369While vacationing last summer in the North Woods, a young fellow thought it 15370might be a good idea to write his girl. He had brought no stationery with 15371him, however; so he had to walk into town for some. Entering the one and 15372only general store, he discovered that the clerk was a young, full-blown farm 15373girl with languorous eyes. 15374 "Do you keep stationery?" he asked. 15375 "Well," she giggled, "I do until the last few seconds, and then I 15376just go wild." 15377% 15378Whip it, baby. 15379Whip it right. 15380Whip it, baby. 15381Whip it all night! 15382% 15383"White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it 15384so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the 15385time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair." 15386% 15387Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle? 15388 15389Because his wife left him. But things are looking up for their reconciliation. 15390Seems that when she left, she took his word processor, and she's been renting 15391it out occasionally in Japan. That is, every now and then she gets a yen for 15392his Wang. 15393% 15394Why, Good Morning! I'm the bluebird of fellatio! 15395% 15396Why I am an atheist: 15397 153981. Atheists do not believe in higher powers. 153992. God is the highest power. 154003. Therefore, God must be an atheist. 154014. We should all strive to be like God. 154025. We should all be atheists. 15403% 15404Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are 15405horses? 15406 -- G. Gordon Liddy 15407% 15408Why is Mrs. Carter always on top when she and Jimmy make love? 15409Because all Jimmy Carter can do is fuck up. 15410% 15411Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them 15412then she isn't good enough for you. 15413% 15414Why not, for example, offer a brand-new Mustang convertible to every girl 15415who consents to having her Fallopian tubes tied in a Gordian knot? ... It 15416would have the additional benefit of eliminating from the gene pool those 15417stupid enough to consent to such a deal. 15418 -- Edward Abbey 15419% 15420...why should you waste a single moment of *your* life seeming to be something 15421you don't want to be? Lord, that's so simple. If you hate your job, quit it. 15422If your friends are tedious, go out and find new friends. You are queer, you 15423lucky fool, and that makes you one of life's buccaneers, free from the clutter 15424of 2000 years of Judeo-Christian sermonizing. Stop feeling sorry for yourself 15425and start raising your sails. You haven't a moment to lose. 15426 -- Edmund Carlevale 15427% 15428Willie, looking in the mirror, Willie with the nursery shears 15429Sucked the mercury off Cut off both the baby's ears. 15430Thinking in his childish error To the baby so unsightly 15431It would cure the whooping cough. Mother raised her eyebrows slightly. 15432 15433At the funeral his weeping mother In the family drinking well 15434Sadly said to Mrs. Brown, Willie pushed his sister, Nell. 15435"'Twas a chilly day for Willie She's there still because it killed her, 15436When the mercury went down." Now, we have to buy a filter. 15437% 15438Winning isn't everything, but losing really sucks. 15439% 15440With a bushel of apples, you can have 15441a hell of a time with the doctor's wife. 15442% 15443wok, n: 15444 Something to thwow at a wabbit. 15445% 15446Woman is: finally screwing and your groin and buttocks and thighs ache like 15447hell and you're all wet and maybe bloody and it wasn't like a Hollywood 15448movie at all but Jesus at least you're not a virgin any more but is this 15449what it's all about? And meanwhile, he's asking "Did you come?" 15450 -- Robin Morgan, "Sisterhood Is Powerful" 15451% 15452Women -- can't live with 'em, can't leave 'em by the curb when you're done. 15453% 15454Women should be obscene and not heard. 15455% 15456Women think of being a man as a gift. It is a duty. Even making love can 15457be a duty. A man has always got to get it up, and love isn't always enough. 15458 -- Norman Mailer 15459% 15460Women Unite! Make *___him* sleep in the wet spot tonight! 15461% 15462Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination 15463 -- Graffito in a women's restroom 15464% 15465Women's Libbers are OK. I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one. 15466% 15467Working hard around here is like pissing on yourself in a dark suit; 15468you get a warm feeling but nobody notices. 15469% 15470Working here is like a pregnancy. 15471After nine months you wish you hadn't come. 15472% 15473World War III is about to break out, but hidden somewhere in Switzerland, 15474a small group of international statesmen are trying to avert disaster. 15475The key members of this group are the representatives from Moscow, Bonn, and 15476Jerusalem, who, despite their personal enmity, manage to forge a peaceful 15477settlement, at the last moment. As the treaty is signed, and the war 15478postponed, almost entirely through the efforts of those three men, an angel 15479appears. "The earth is saved through the efforts of these three men! 15480Therefore, I will grant each of them their heart's desire!" 15481 So, the angel asks the German for his wish, and the German, recalling 15482the nearness of their disaster, and perceiving the cause to have been the 15483Russians, immediately says "I wish there were no more Russians!" And God 15484said, "It will be done." 15485 The angel asks the Russian for his wish, which, of course, is "*I* 15486wish there were no more Germans!" Replies the angel, "It will be done." 15487 So the angel asks the Jew for his wish. The Jew is in a state of 15488shock. "Will you really grant the German's wish?" he asks, and the angel 15489avers. "And the Russian's, too?" The angel avers yet again. Then the Jew 15490thinks a moment, leans back and says, "In that case, I think I'd like a small 15491cup of coffee." 15492% 15493Would you mind terribly much if I asked you to take your silly-assed 15494problem down the hall? 15495% 15496Would you rather have a 5-inch hard or an 8-inch floppy? 15497% 15498Writers do it between periods. 15499% 15500"Yeah, I used to be into necrophilia, bestiality and sadism, but then I 15501realized I was just flogging a dead horse." 15502% 15503"Yes, that was Richard Nixon. He used to be President. When he left 15504the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware." 15505 -- Woody Allen, "Sleeper" 15506% 15507Yesterday is a memory, 15508 Tomorrow is a vision, 15509 Today is a bitch! 15510% 15511You always introduce the younger person to the older person, using the 15512wording: "Miss Brown, I'd like to introduce you to an older person" 15513(unless her name is not "Miss Brown"). If you do not know a person's 15514age, ask for a driver's license and a major credit card. If you are 15515introduced to a member of a minority group, use the "high-five" style 15516handshake, followed by a remark designed to show you don't mind a bit, 15517such as "I see you are a (name of a minority group)! Good!" 15518 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 15519% 15520"You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but 15521only for a limited period of time. Why should we think that collectively, 15522as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation?" 15523 -- Ronald Reagan 15524% 15525You are a tower of strength in the office, but only so-so in bed. 15526% 15527You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an 15528uncontrollable desire to pick your nose. Since this is definitely a 15529no-no, you: 15530 15531(a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one fluid 15532 motion, bury your forefinger in your nostril right up to the 4th 15533 joint. 15534 15535(b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a prize 15536 to the one who makes his nose bleed first. 15537 15538(c) Drop your napkin on the floor, and when you bend over to pick it up, 15539 blow your nose on your sock. 15540% 15541You are without a doubt a rogue, a rascal, a villain, a thief, a scoundrel, 15542and a mean, dirty, stinking, sniveling, sneaking, pimping, pocketpicking, 15543thrice double-damned, no-good son-of-a-bitch. 15544% 15545You are witty, charming, handsome and above average in length. 15546% 15547You better believe that marijuana can cause castration. Just suppose 15548your girlfriend gets the munchies! 15549% 15550"You can beat my meat, but you can't lick my sauce!" 15551 -- Boss' Ribs, Portland, Oregon 15552% 15553You can find sympathy, in the dictionary, right near shit and suicide. 15554% 15555You can get used to living at a nudist camp. 15556The first three days are the hardest. 15557 -- R. Dreiser 15558% 15559You can lead a whore to Vasser, but you can't make her think. 15560 -- Frederick B. Artz 15561% 15562You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't 15563pick your friend's nose. 15564% 15565You can't underestimate the power of fear. 15566 -- Tricia Nixon 15567% 15568You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to 15569get back inside. 15570 -- Heathcote Williams 15571% 15572You have been bitchy since Tuesday and you'll probably get fired today. 15573% 15574You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January 15575and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live 15576there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You: 15577 15578(a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your 15579 name. 15580 15581(b) Ask what position she played. 15582 15583(c) Ask if she is still working the streets. 15584% 15585You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this 15586proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your 15587proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits 15588into your coffee. You: 15589 15590(a) Tell him you take your coffee black. 15591 15592(b) Ask him if he has any communicable diseases. 15593 15594(c) Show him who's in command; promptly take a leak in his "In" 15595 basket. 15596% 15597You have to be a bastard to make it, and that's a fact. And the Beatles 15598are the biggest bastards on earth. 15599 -- John Lennon 15600% 15601"You have to regard everything I say with suspicion -- I may be trying 15602to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently." 15603 -- J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b 15604% 15605You know the Norplant thing? It's a new birth control device for women. 15606It's a cartridge, that goes in your arm. Well, they're coming out with 15607a new one for men: it's a brain, that goes in your head. 15608% 15609You know what burns my ass? A flame about three feet high. 15610% 15611You might get caught holding the bag. Say she's your sister. 15612% 15613You pedophiliac sodomizer of ducklings!! 15614% 15615You see that fucking fish? 15616If he'd kept his mouth shut, he wouldn'ta got caught. 15617 -- Sam Giancana 15618% 15619You should be a hemorrhoid, you're such a pain in the ass. 15620% 15621You wanna play the dozens, 15622Well, the dozens is a game, 15623But the way I fuck your mother is an ass-wringing shame! 15624 -- George Carlin 15625% 15626You will always have friends 15627Some friends will peter out. 15628But I'll always be your friend, 15629Peter in or peter out. 15630% 15631You'll be a guest at a gay party. 15632That will have important consequences for you. 15633% 15634Young men want to be faithful and are not; 15635old men want to be faithless and cannot. 15636 -- Oscar Wilde 15637% 15638Your boy/girl friend is *so* ugly that... 15639 15640 -- when you look up ugly in the dictionary, their picture's there. 15641 -- it looks like their face caught fire and someone put it out 15642 with an ice pick. 15643 -- Nabisco used their face to model for animal cookies. 15644 -- when they yelled "Rape", the guy screamed "No way!" 15645 -- they were the birth control poster child. 15646 -- when they were born, the doctor slapped their mother. 15647 -- as a child, their parents tied a pork chop around her neck to 15648 get the puppy to play with them. 15649 -- they have to sneak up on a glass of water, just to get a drink! 15650% 15651Your chances of getting hit by lightning go up if you stand under a tree, 15652shake your fist at the sky, and say, "Storms suck!" 15653 -- Johnny Carson 15654% 15655Your first husband was the one you married while firmly believing that 15656there are more important things in life than great sex. 15657% 15658YOUR FOAMY FUTURE 15659 by Miss Fortune 15660 15661SCORPIO (October 24 - November 21) 15662 "Hard work never killed anybody, but why take the chance?" is your 15663motto. You don't do much other than sleep, eat, down brewskis, and watch TV. 15664Your friends and family are constantly pestering you to clean up your act. 15665But it's OK, Scorpio. A kick in the ass is at least one step forward. 15666 15667SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 - Dec. 21) 15668 You've been on a diet for two weeks and all you've lost is two weeks. 15669My advice is to drink copius amounts of beer just to get the thought of food 15670out of your mind. Remember, a good reducing exercise consists of placing 15671both hands against the table edge and pushing back. 15672 15673CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 - Jan 19) 15674 Remember that day you had one beer too many and did something 15675extremely foolish? Now your friends are coming and going and your enemies 15676accumulating. Cheer up! All is not lost. It's better to be hated for 15677what you are than loved for what you're not. 15678% 15679Your spooning days are over, 15680 And your pilot light is out; 15681When what used to be your sex appeal 15682 Is now your water spout! 15683% 15684You're not an alcoholic unless you go to the meetings. 15685% 15686Yuck Foo. 15687% 15688Zippity doo dah, zippity ay, 15689I just gave my sister's cherry away! 15690To a couple of truckers from Erie P.A., 15691Zippity doo dah, zippity ay. 15692 -- John Valby 15693% 15694