1This fortune brought to you by: 2 The DragonFly BSD Project 3% 4======================================================================= 5|| || 6|| The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture! || 7|| Watch for it at a theater near you next summer! || 8|| || 9======================================================================= 10 Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production: 11 "Fortune Cookie" 12 Directed by Steven Spielberg. 13 Starring Harrison Ford Bette Midler Marlon Brando 14 Christopher Reeves Marilyn Chambers 15 and Bob Hope as "The Waiter". 16 Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin. 17 Special Effects by Timothy Leary. 18 Read the Warner paperback! 19 Invoke the Unix program! 20 Soundtrack on XTC Records. 21 In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal 22 centers. 23% 24 PLAYGIRL, Inc. 25 Philadelphia, Pa. 19369 26Dear Sir: 27 Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to 28inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On 29a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women 30ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the 31age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing 32long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman 33ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate 34in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call 35us. 36 Sympathetically, 37 Amanda L. Smith 38 39p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you 40 wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot? 41% 42 _-^--^=-_ 43 _.-^^ -~_ 44 _-- --_ 45 < >) 46 | | 47 \._ _./ 48 ```--. . , ; .--''' 49 | | | 50 .-=|| | |=-. 51 `-=#$%&%$#=-' 52 | ; :| 53 _____.,-#%&$@%#&#~,._____ 54% 55 ( /\__________/\ ) 56 \(^ @___..___@ ^)/ 57 /\ (\/\/\/\/) /\ 58 / \(/\/\/\/\)/ \ 59 -( """""""""" ) 60 \ _____ / 61 ( /( )\ ) 62 _) (_V) (V_) (_ 63 (V)(V)(V) (V)(V)(V) 64 65% 66 ___====-_ _-====___ 67 _--~~~#####// ' ` \\#####~~~--_ 68 -~##########// ( ) \\##########~-_ 69 -############// |\^^/| \\############- 70 _~############// (O||O) \\############~_ 71 ~#############(( \\// ))#############~ 72 -###############\\ (oo) //###############- 73 -#################\\ / `' \ //#################- 74 -###################\\/ () \//###################- 75 _#/|##########/\######( (()) )######/\##########|\#_ 76 |/ |#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##| \()/ |##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#| \| 77 ` |/ V V ` V )|| |()| ||( V ' V /\ \| ' 78 ` ` ` ` / | |()| | \ ' '<||> ' 79 ( | |()| | )\ /|/ 80 __\ |__|()|__| /__\______/|/ 81 (vvv(vvvv)(vvvv)vvv)______|/ 82% 83 84_/I\_____________o______________o___/I\ l * / /_/ * __ ' .* l 85I"""_____________l______________l___"""I\ l *// _l__l_ . *. l 86 [__][__][(******)__][__](******)[__][] \l l-\ ---//---*----(oo)----------l 87 [][__][__(******)][__][_(******)_][__] l l \\ // ____ >-( )-< / l 88 [__][__][_l l[__][__][l l][__][] l l \\)) ._****_.(......) .@@@:::l 89 [][__][__]l .l_][__][__] .l__][__] l l ll _(o_o)_ (@*_*@ l 90 [__][__][/ <_)[__][__]/ <_)][__][] l l ll ( / \ ) / / / ) l 91 [][__][ /..,/][__][__][/..,/_][__][__] l l / \\ _\ \_ / _\_\ l 92 [__][__(__/][__][__][_(__/_][__][__][] l l______________________________l 93 [__][__]] l , , . [__][__][] l 94 [][__][_] l . i. '/ , [][__][__] l /\**/\ season's 95 [__][__]] l O .\ / /, O [__][__][] l ( o_o )_) greetings 96_[][__][_] l__l======='=l____[][__][__] l_______,(u u ,),__________________ 97 [__][__]]/ /l\-------/l\ [__][__][]/ {}{}{}{}{}{}<R> 98 99In Ellen's house it is warm and toasty while fuzzies play in the snow outside. 100% 101 102SANTA IS BRINGING GOOD WISHES FROM ALL THE 103MICRO ARTISTS GANG! MAY 1988 BE A HAPPY YEAR! 104 105 106 \__\_ :. ___/ 107 ..\ /-- 108 :.______ : .:* : . _ .: :.. . : . . : ()_ .: 109 (( \. :./(__ :._O_)________:______,____:____/ *\_o 110====(( \: (****) (***) :. ...: .. . ()_______/\\ __-' 111 \____(( \ ()oo()_/ /.: : ..________/_____ll -/.: .. 112 ( (( \(())))__/ . .. \\.: ..( ) ll ( l_.: 113( / (( \__*__)___:___ : : )) .) /--------\ \ \ 114( / ((_____________) .. // . / / /..:: . )_)_\ 115 (____/_____________________\__// : /_/_/ :.. :/_/ \_\ 116 /_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/ /_/_/ 117 118 119% 120% 121 FROM THE DESK OF 122 Dorothy Gale 123 124 Auntie Em: 125 Hate you. 126 Hate Kansas. 127 Taking the dog. 128 Dorothy 129% 130 FROM THE DESK OF 131 Rapunzel 132 133Dear Prince: 134 135 Use ladder tonight -- 136 you're splitting my ends. 137% 138 SEMINAR ANNOUNCEMENT 139 140Title: Are Frogs Turing Compatible? 141Speaker: Don "The Lion" Knuth 142 143 ABSTRACT 144 Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying 145the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular. The problem 146of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas 147of computer science. It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi- 148bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size 149pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete. We will show that 150there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program 151to a frog. We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable 152functions. 153 This is not just a let's-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar. 154This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues. 155 Refreshments will be served. Music will be played. 156% 157 UNIX Trix 158 159For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will 160save your support staff a few hours of precious time. Before you send your 161next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd 162to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk. Now when they 163forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct 164the damage. Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea 165either. If you need some help, give us a call. 166 167 -- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems 168% 169 1/2 170 12 + 144 + 20 + 3*4 2 171 ---------------------- + 5 * 11 = 9 + 0 172 7 173 174A dozen, a gross and a score, 175Plus three times the square root of four, 176 Divided by seven, 177 Plus five times eleven, 178Equals nine squared plus zero, no more! 179% 180 -- Gifts for Children -- 181 182This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children, 183because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months 184and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday- 185morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children 186exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If 187your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You 188Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it 189might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe 190me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child 191who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift. 192 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 193% 194 -- Gifts for Men -- 195 196Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional 197ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you 198should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the 199clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For 200example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only 201three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error, 202that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh 203at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?"). 204So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several 205years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will 206pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. 207 208If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More 209than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set 210of tires. 211 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 212% 213 Chapter 1 214 215The story so far: 216 217 In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot 218of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. 219 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" 220% 221 DELETE A FORTUNE! 222 223Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like 224to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to 225"fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it 226gets expunged. 227% 228 Get GUMMed 229 --- ------ 230The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 2311, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above 232the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep 233each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered 234chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek 235nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three 236days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two 237seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user- 238friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is 239Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis 240"cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You 241Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because 242all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we 243could tell them. 244 -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84 245% 246 Has your family tried 'em? 247 248 POWDERMILK BISCUITS 249 250 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! 251 252 They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons 253 the strength to get up and do what needs to be done. 254 255 POWDERMILK BISCUITS 256 257 Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of 258 the biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark 259 stains that indicate freshness. 260% 261 It's grad exam time... 262COMPUTER SCIENCE 263 Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating 264system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert 265this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system. Prove that these fixes are 266bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the 267new system. (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.) 268 269MATHEMATICS 270 If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long 271it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the 272length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1. 273 274GENERAL KNOWLEDGE 275Describe the Universe. Give three examples. 276% 277 It's grad exam time... 278MEDICINE 279 You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a 280bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has 281been inspected. (You have 15 minutes.) 282 283HISTORY 284 Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present 285day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, 286economic, religious and philosophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and 287Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific. 288 289BIOLOGY 290 Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture 291if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with 292special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. 293% 294 Pittsburgh driver's test 29510: Potholes are 296 a) extremely dangerous. 297 b) patriotic. 298 c) the fault of the previous administration. 299 d) all going to be fixed next summer. 300The correct answer is b. 301Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes 302are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car 303you have nothing to worry about. 304% 305 Pittsburgh driver's test 3062: A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should 307 a) stop immediately. 308 b) proceed slowly through the intersection. 309 c) blow the horn. 310 d) floor it. 311The correct answer is d. 312If you said c, you were almost right, so give yourself a half point. 313% 314 Pittsburgh driver's test 3153: When stopped at an intersection you should 316 a) watch the traffic light for your lane. 317 b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street. 318 c) blow the horn. 319 d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street. 320The correct answer is d. 321You need to start as soon as the traffic light for the intersecting 322street turns yellow. 323Answer c is worth a half point. 324% 325 Pittsburgh driver's test 3264: Exhaust gas is 327 a) beneficial. 328 b) not harmful. 329 c) toxic. 330 d) a punk band. 331The correct answer is b. 332The meddling Washington eco-freak communist bureaucrats who say otherwise 333are liars. (Message to those who answered d. Go back to California where 334you came from. Your kind are not welcome here.) 335% 336 Pittsburgh driver's test 3375: Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment. 338 How often should you test it? 339 a) once a year. 340 b) once a month. 341 c) once a day. 342 d) once an hour. 343The correct answer is d. 344You should test your car's horn at least once every hour, 345and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods. 346% 347 Pittsburgh driver's test 3487: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light 349 but a steady left tail light. This means 350 a) One of the tail lights is broken. You should blow your 351 horn to call the problem to the driver's attention. 352 b) The driver is signaling a right turn. 353 c) The driver is signaling a left turn. 354 d) The driver is from out of town. 355The correct answer is d. 356Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns. 357% 358 Pittsburgh driver's test 3598: Pedestrians are 360 a) irrelevant. 361 b) communists. 362 c) a nuisance. 363 d) difficult to clean off the front grille. 364The correct answer is a. Pedestrians are not in cars, so they 365are totally irrelevant to driving, and you should ignore them 366completely. 367% 368 Pittsburgh driver's test 3699: Roads are salted in order to 370 a) kill grass. 371 b) melt snow. 372 c) help the economy. 373 d) prevent potholes. 374The correct answer is c. 375Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions more 376indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers. Most important, 377salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and 378steel industries. 379% 380 THE STORY OF CREATION 381 or 382 THE MYTH OF URK 383 384In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null, 385and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM 386was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be 387registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried; 388and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data 389Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening 390and there was morning, one interrupt ... 391 -- Rico Tudor 392% 393 JACK AND THE BEANSTACK 394 by Mark Isaak 395 396 Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL 397character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their 398hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices 399are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some 400BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it 401to him. 402 So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path, 403he met the traveling salesman. 404 "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman 405in high-level language. 406 "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips 407and Apples," commented Jack. 408 "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue 409there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now." 410 Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when 411he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she 412started thrashing. 413 "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these 414kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the 415window ... 416% 417 Answers to Last Fortune's Questions: 418 419(1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark). 420(2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle. 421(3) I don't know. 422(4) Who cares? 423(5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, 424 Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. 425(6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my 426 book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and 427 bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of 428 Papyrus Books). 429% 430 DETERIORATA 431 432Go placidly amid the noise and waste, 433And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. 434Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. 435Rotate your tires. 436Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself, 437And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys. 438Know what to kiss -- and when. 439Remember that two wrongs never make a right, 440But that three do. 441Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD". 442Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment, 443And despite the changing fortunes of time, 444There is always a big future in computer maintenance. 445 446 You are a fluke of the universe ... 447 You have no right to be here. 448 Whether you can hear it or not, the universe 449 Is laughing behind your back. 450 -- National Lampoon 451% 452 Double Bucky 453 (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie") 454 455Double bucky, you're the one! 456You make my keyboard lots of fun 457 Double bucky, an additional bit or two: 458(Vo-vo-de-o!) 459Control and Meta side by side, 460Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide! 461 Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few! 462 463Oh, I sure wish that I, 464Had a couple of bits more! 465Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four. 466 467Double bucky, left and right 468OR'd together, outta sight! 469 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of 470 Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of 471 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you! 472 -- Guy L. Steele, Jr., (C) 1978 473 (to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit 474 be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use 475 by screen editors.) 476% 477 Hard Copies and Chmod 478 479And everyone thinks computers are impersonal 480cold diskdrives hardware monitors 481user-hostile software 482 483of course they're only bits and bytes 484and characters and strings 485and files 486 487just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend 488telling me he loves me and 489he'll take care of me 490 491simply a discarded printout of a friend's directory 492deep intimate secrets and 493how he doesn't trust me 494 495couldn't hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould 496on personal stationery 497 -- terri@csd4.milw.wisc.edu 498% 499 `O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE 500Timewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the 501margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells. Orange may be worn. Credit 502will be given to candidates who self-actualize. 503 504 1: Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why 505neither has street credibility. 506 2: "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting 507on a juggernaut route." Consider the dialectic of inner truth and inner 508city. 509 3: Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked 510into a black hole. 511 4: "The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist 512ripoff merchants." Comment on this insult. 513 5: Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics. 514 6: "Castenada was a bit of a bozo." How far is this a fair summing 515up of western dualism? 516 7: Hermann Hesse was a Pisces. Discuss. 517% 518 OUTCONERR 519Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes 520 Did logzerneg the ifthen block 521All kludgy were the function flows 522 And subroutines adhoc. 523 524Beware the runtime-bug my friend 525 squrooneg, the false goto 526Beware the infiniteloop 527 And shun the inprectoo. 528% 529 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 5301. Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a 531 nuclear bomb, use the stairs. 5322. When you're flying through the air, remember to roll 533 when you hit the ground. 5343. If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials. 5354. Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead 536 to psychological problems. 5375. Food will be scarce, you will have to scavenge. Learn to recognize 538 foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed potatoes, 539 shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc. 5406. Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze, internal organs 541 will be scarce in the post-nuclear age. 5427. Try to be neat, fall only in designated piles. 5438. Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas, people could be 544 staggering illegally. 5459. Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to one's, but more 546 sanitary due to limited circulation. 54710. Accumulate mannequins now, spare parts will be in short 548 supply on D-Day. 549% 550 The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance 551The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system 552in a portable package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an 553Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four 554fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition. The owner of the 555Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on 556target -- in less time, and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable. 557If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal 558computer -- he's the one who's in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip 559through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do 560to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines 561for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can 562take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied 563into Ethernet or other local-area networks. What about the new 16-bit 564computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup, 565they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what 566Unix means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home 567a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons. 568 -- "InfoWorld", June, 1984 569% 570 The STAR WARS Song 571 Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks: 572 573I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah 574Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda 575 S-O-D-A soda 576I saw the little runt sitting there on a log 577I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda 578 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 579 580Well I've been around but I ain't never seen 581A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green 582 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 583Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand 584How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand 585 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 586% 587 The Three Major Kind of Tools 588 589* Tools for hitting things to make them loose or to tighten them up or 590 jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a 591 manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces, 592 bludgeons, and truncheons.) 593 594* Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls) 595 596* Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far 597 greater than the value of any project that could possibly result. 598 (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses 599 any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.) 600 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 601% 602 (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along") 603Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug 604Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug 605And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. 606Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all, 607Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall 608And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. 609And we've also found Just flip one switch 610When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch 611You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble 612 in a flash. 613Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU 614Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo," 615And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash. 616% 617 'Twas the Night before Crisis 618 619'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house, 620 Not a program was working not even a browse. 621The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care, 622 Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer. 623The users were nestled all snug in their beds, 624 While visions of inquiries danced in their heads. 625When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter, 626 I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter. 627And what to my wondering eyes should appear, 628 But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear. 629More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, 630 And he whistled and shouted and called them by name; 631On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! 632 On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete! 633His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean, 634 From Weekends and nights in front of a screen. 635A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, 636 Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread... 637% 638 What I Did During My Fall Semester 639On the first day of my fall semester, I got up. 640Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. 641Then I hung out in front of the Dover. 642 643On the second day of my fall semester, I got up. 644Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. 645Then I hung out in front of the Dover. 646 647On the third day of my fall semester, I got up. 648Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. 649I found a thesis topic: 650 How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover. 651 -- Sister Mary Elephant, 652 "Student Statement for Black Friday" 653% 654 William Safire's Rules for Writers: 655 656Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never 657be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs has to 658agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words 659out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal 660of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must 661not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a 662conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a 663sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as 664close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more 665words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles 666must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a 667linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing 668metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should 669be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their 670writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows 671the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek 672viable alternatives. 673% 674 1/3 675 /\(3) 676 | 2 1/3 677 | z dz cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e ) 678 | 679 \/ 1 680 681The integral of z squared, dz 682From 1 to the cube root of 3 683 Times the cosine 684 Of 3 PI over nine 685Is the log of the cube root of e 686% 687 THE DAILY PLANET 688 689 SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT! 690 Plans to "Eat it later" 691% 692 *** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING *** 693 694Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical 695terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into 696the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers' 697School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming. 698They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day. 699With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code 700and lots more besides. Our training course covers every programming language 701in existence, and some that aren't. You'll learn why the on/off switch for a 702computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what 703you should blame when you make a mistake. 704 705 Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer. 706 I enclose $1000 in small unmarked bills to cover the cost of 707 postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.) 708 709*** Our Slogan: Top down programming for the masses. *** 710% 711 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling 712 by Mark Twain 713 714 For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped 715to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer 716be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained 717would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 718might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the 719same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with 720"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all. 721 Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear 722with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 723or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. 724Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi 725ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz 726ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli. 727 Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud 728hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. 729% 730 *** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? *** 731Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical 732terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into 733the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers' 734School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming. 735 736 *** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? *** 737Programming is not for everyone. But, if you have the desire to learn, we can 738help you get started. All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and 739enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month. 740 741 *** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST *** 742To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to 743try this simple test: 744 1: Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters 745 of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF). 746 2: Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill? 747 3: What is the state capital of Idaho? 748If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked 749them, you may have a future as a computer programmer. 750% 751 *** STUDENT SUCCESSES *** 752 753Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of 754programming. One former student developed the concept of the personalized 755form letter. Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a 756winner!," sound familiar? Another student writes "After only five lessons I 757sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine. 758Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management 759program for my department manager. My program touched him so deeply that he 760was speechless. He told me later that he had never seen such a program in 761his entire career. Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could 762have made this possible." Send for our introductory brochure which explains 763in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll 764be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which 765can vie for a set of free steak knives. If you don't do it now, you'll hate 766yourself in the morning. 767% 768 769 *** System shutdown message from root *** 770 771System going down in 60 seconds 772 773 774% 775 ... This striving for excellence extends into people's 776personal lives as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the 777best one, as determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. 778Eighties people buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking 779soda. If an '80s couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a 780reservation three weeks in advance, and they are informed that their 781table is available, they stalk out immediately, because they know it is 782not an excellent restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous 783crowd of excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their 784beepers going off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant 785wouldn't have a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of 786Liza Minnelli. 787 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 788% 789 ... with liberty and justice for all who can afford it. 790% 791 7,140 pounds on the Sun 792 97 pounds on Mercury or Mars 793 255 pounds on Earth 794 232 pounds on Venus or Uranus 795 43 pounds on the Moon 796 648 pounds on Jupiter 797 275 pounds on Saturn 798 303 pounds on Neptune 799 13 pounds on Pluto 800 801 -- How much Elvis Presley would weigh at various places 802 in the solar system. 803% 804 A boy scout troop went on a hike. Crossing over a stream, one of 805the boys dropped his wallet into the water. Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed 806the wallet and tossed it to another carp. Then that carp passed it to 807another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back 808and forth. 809 "Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case 810of carp-to-carp walleting." 811% 812 A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing 813the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them 814missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in 815his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to pull up all that 816work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump 817flat. Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted. 818 At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two 819events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the 820dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously: 821"Have you seen my parakeet?" 822% 823 A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when 824a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him. "Are you the 825foreman around here?" he asked timidly. "I'd like to join your circus; I 826have what I think is a pretty good act." 827 The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to 828the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top. 829Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping 830his arms furiously. Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little 831man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles, 832performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive 833from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside 834the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time. 835 "Well," puffed the little man. "What do you think?" 836 "That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully. "Bird 837imitations?" 838% 839 A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a 840long-distance caw. 841% 842 A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating 843his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said 844the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." 845 Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the 846toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too". 847% 848 A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about 849whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they 850got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The 851medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's 852rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat." 853 The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden 854itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden 855and the world were created. So God must have been an architect." 856 The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then 857commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" 858% 859 A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from 860his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp. 861% 862 A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the 863house of seven gobbles. 864% 865 A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a 866buddy down the road, who owns several boars. They agree on a stud fee, and 867the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the 868boars. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks 869the man how he can tell if it "took" or not. The breeder replies that if, 870the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if 871they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't. 872 Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the 873farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of 874frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling 875in the mud. 876 Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I 877don't have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous. You check 878today." With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh. 879 "What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are they grazing at last?" 880 "Nope." replies his wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in 881the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!" 882% 883 A father gave his teenage daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for 884her birthday. An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her 885looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured 886sadly, "runneth over." 887% 888 A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods. 889After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears, 890one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed. They killed 891the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole. 892 "What do you think?" said the first ranger. 893 "The Czech is in the male," replied the second. 894% 895 A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical 896island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that 897could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They 898were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of 899the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to 900the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head 901downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the 902charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two 903men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner. 904Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with 905blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could 906only blurt out, "What happened?" 907 "I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the 908ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I 909grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left 910hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of 911the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down 912to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?" 913% 914 A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved 915dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his 916brother and inquires after his pet. 917 "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly. 918 The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me," 919he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way 920of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got 921outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a 922corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?" 923 "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think." 924 "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway? 925How's Mom?" 926 His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got 927outside one day..." 928% 929 A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman? 930I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it." 931 A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that 932be? I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer." 933 "Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my 934dog's stuck in its throat." 935% 936 A hard-luck actor who appeared in one colossal disaster after another 937finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact. Someone pointed out that it's 938the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week. 939% 940 A horrible little boy came up to me and said, "You know in your 941book The Martian Chronicles?" 942 I said, "Yes?" 943 He said, "You know where you talk about Deimos rising in the 944East?" 945 I said, "Yes?" 946 He said "No." -- So I hit him. 947 -- attributed to Ray Bradbury 948% 949 A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three 950days old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted. 951% 952 A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2. 953 The housewife replied, "Four!". 954 The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures 955through my spread sheet one more time." 956 The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a 957hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?" 958% 959 A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had 960made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he 961would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the 962lawyer. 963 "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this 964state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, 965I could put `here lies an honest lawyer', if that would be okay." 966 "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. 967 "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it 968and exclaim, "That's Strange!" 969% 970 A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to 971the bartender. "Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey." 972 The bartender ignores him. 973 "Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey." 974 Still ignored. 975 "HEY BARMAN!! GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!" 976 The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the 977leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain. 978 Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots, 979jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the 980saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender, 981"I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw." 982% 983 A man enters a pet shop, seeking to purchase a parrot. He points 984to a fine colorful bird and asks how much it costs. 985 When he is told it costs 70,000 zlotys, he whistles in amazement 986and asks why it is so much. "Well, the bird is fluent in Italian and 987French and can recite the periodic table." He points to another bird 988and is told that it costs 90,000 zlotys because it speaks French and 989German, can knit and can curse in Latin. 990 Finally the customer asks about a drab gray bird. "Ah," he is 991told, "that one is 150,000." 992 "Why, what can it do?" he asks. 993 "Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't 994do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary." 995 -- being told in Poland, 1987 996% 997 A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master, 998Knuth. When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found. "Where is the 999wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student. 1000 "Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a 1001pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new 1002disciples." 1003 Hearing this, the man was Enlightened. 1004% 1005 A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The 1006first thing he notices is that the arms are too long. 1007 "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow 1008and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine." 1009 "But the collar is up around my ears!" 1010 "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a 1011little more ... that's it." 1012 "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation. 1013 "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you 1014go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly." 1015 So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the 1016street. Reba and Florence see him go by. 1017 "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!" 1018 "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit." 1019 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 1020% 1021 A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well, 1022shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her 1023that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again, 1024soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number. 1025 The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing. She 1026agreed. As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was. 1027Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers 1028-- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army 1029knife! 1030 Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the 1031afternoon finding a particularly unusual one. Arriving at her apartment 1032he immediately presented her with the knife. She ooohed and ahhhed over it 1033for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't 1034help but see was full of Swiss Army knives. 1035 Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many. 1036 "Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that 1037won't always be true. And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!" 1038% 1039 A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police 1040during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he 1041was making a bolt for the door. 1042% 1043 A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a 1044terrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard and another son at 1045Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got 1046homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've 1047got a thriving ranch in Venezuela. My wife is a gorgeous young actress 1048who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends." 1049 The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused. "Did I miss 1050something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all." 1051 "But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week." 1052% 1053 A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, 1054"Do you serve lawyers here?". 1055 "Sure do," replied the bartender. 1056 "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for 1057my 'gator." 1058% 1059 A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his 1060wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer." 1061% 1062 A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path. 1063% 1064 A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the 1065program on which he was working. "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer 1066promptly replied. 1067 "I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully, 1068how long will it take?" 1069 The programmer thought for a moment. "I have some features that I wish 1070to add. This will take at least two weeks," he finally said. 1071 "Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be 1072satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete." 1073 The programmer agreed to this. 1074 Several years later, the manager retired. On the way to his 1075retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal. 1076He had been programming all night. 1077 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1078% 1079 A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him 1080invented a new program that became popular and sold well. As a result, the 1081manager retained his job. 1082 The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer 1083refused it, saying, "I wrote the program because I though it was an interesting 1084concept, and thus I expect no reward." 1085 The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he 1086holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an 1087employee. Lets promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!" 1088 But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist 1089so that I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste 1090everyone's time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm working on." 1091 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1092% 1093 A manager went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your 1094work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave 1095at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and several 1096resigned on the spot. 1097 So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own 1098working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule." The 1099programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee 1100hours of the morning. 1101 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1102% 1103 A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements 1104document for a new application. The manager asked the master: "How long will 1105it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?" 1106 "It will take one year," said the master promptly. 1107 "But we need this system immediately or even sooner! How long will it 1108take it I assign ten programmers to it?" 1109 The master programmer frowned. "In that case, it will take two years." 1110 "And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?" 1111 The master programmer shrugged. "Then the design will never be 1112completed," he said. 1113 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1114% 1115 A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master 1116noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game. "Excuse me", 1117he said, "may I examine it?" 1118 The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master. 1119"I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium, 1120and Hard", said the master. "Yet every such device has another level of play, 1121where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the 1122human." 1123 "Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this 1124mysterious setting?" 1125 The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot. 1126And suddenly the novice was enlightened. 1127 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1128% 1129 A master was explaining the nature of the Tao to one of his novices, 1130"The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how insignificant," 1131said the master. 1132 "Is the Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice. 1133 "It is," came the reply. 1134 "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice. 1135 "It is even in a video game," said the master. 1136 "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?" 1137 The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The lesson is 1138over for today," he said. 1139 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1140% 1141 A MODERN FABLE 1142 1143Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory 1144far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need an updated message 1145with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit 1146today's minute attention span. 1147 1148 The Troubled Aardvark 1149 1150Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was 1151driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house 1152in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and 1153unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his sniveling, spoiled 1154children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and 1155his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its 1156pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any 1157personal effort he could make to change the status quo. Overcome by a 1158wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only 1159course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he 1160drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods. 1161 1162MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers. 1163 -- Tom Annau 1164% 1165 A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a 1166new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?" 1167% 1168 A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at 1169the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the 1170pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite 1171nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if..." 1172 "If what?" asked the composer. 1173 "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?" 1174% 1175 A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which 1176removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to 1177doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous 1178amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware 1179limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the 1180larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient 1181power-down sequence. 1182 An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the 1183building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has 1184bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer 1185cool. 1186% 1187 A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs, 1188documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of 1189the best programmers in the world. Why is this?" 1190 The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has 1191gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system 1192crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the 1193need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. He 1194has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within 1195themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, he has 1196entered the mystery of the Tao." 1197 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1198% 1199 A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and 1200sometimes aborts. I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally 1201baffled. What is the reason for this?" 1202 The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand 1203the Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans. Why 1204do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed? Computers 1205simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect. 1206 The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal. 1207Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment." 1208 "But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the 1209novice. 1210 "Your program will then run correctly," replied the master. 1211 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1212% 1213 A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is 1214much larger than all others. It towers above its competition like a giant 1215among dwarfs. Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business. 1216Why is this so?" 1217 The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions? That 1218company is large because it is so large. If it only made hardware, nobody 1219would buy it. If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a 1220servant. But because it combines all of these things, people think it one 1221of the gods! By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort." 1222 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1223% 1224 A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure 1225that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'. It is bloated out of shape with 1226vice-presidents and accountants. It issues a multitude of memos, each saying 1227'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant. Every year new 1228names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail. How can such an 1229unnatural entity exist?" 1230 The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are 1231disturbed that it has no rational purpose. Can you not take amusement from 1232its endless gyrations? Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming 1233beneath its sheltering branches? Why are you bothered by its uselessness?" 1234 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1235% 1236 A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial 1237package. 1238 The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master 1239reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set 1240of generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface, 1241but not the slightest mention of anything financial. 1242 When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant. 1243"Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually." 1244 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1245% 1246 A novice was trying to fix a broken lisp machine by turning the 1247power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly, 1248"You cannot fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding 1249of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The 1250machine worked. 1251% 1252 "A penny for your thoughts?" 1253 "A dollar for your death." 1254 -- The Odd Couple 1255% 1256 A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost 1257in a forest in the dead of winter. As they were sitting around a fire, they 1258noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily. 1259 The Englishman volunteered to sacrifice himself for the rest of the 1260party. He walked out into the night. 1261 The American, not wanting to be outdone by an Englishman, offered to 1262be the next victim. The wolves eagerly accepted his offer, and devoured him, 1263too. 1264 The Soviet, believing himself to be better than any American, turned 1265to the Pole and says, "Well, comrade, I shall volunteer to give my life to 1266save a fellow socialist." He leaves the shelter and goes out to be killed by 1267the wolf pack. 1268 At this point, the Pole opened his jacket and pulls out a machine gun. 1269He takes aim in the general direction of the wolf pack and in a few seconds 1270has killed them all. 1271 The Canadian asked the Pole, "Why didn't you do that before the others 1272went out to be killed? 1273 The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket. 1274He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many." 1275% 1276 A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came 1277upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. 1278"That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow 1279man". 1280 As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, 1281he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." 1282% 1283 A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a 1284strings of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be retained 1285throughout. There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless 1286loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming 1287rigidity. 1288 A program should follow the "Law of Least Astonishment". What is this 1289law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the 1290way that astonishes him least. 1291 A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit. The 1292program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward 1293appearances. 1294 If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of 1295disorder and confusion. The only way to correct this is to rewrite the 1296program. 1297 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1298% 1299 A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software 1300conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What sort 1301of programmers work for other companies? They behaved badly and were 1302unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their 1303clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed our hospitality suites and they 1304made rude noises during my presentation." 1305 The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference. 1306Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life absurd, 1307an accidental coincidence. They come and go without knowing limitations. 1308Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why should they bother 1309with social conventions?" 1310 "They are alive within the Tao." 1311 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1312% 1313 A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these 1314stops and starts get you pretty worn out?" 1315 "It isn't the stops and starts that get on my nerves, it's the jerks." 1316% 1317 A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter 1318carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're 1319doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endangered species list?" 1320 Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag, 1321which contained twelve more loons. 1322 "Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked. 1323 "Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage." 1324 "What's so special about a loon? What does it taste like?" 1325 "Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan." 1326% 1327 A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor 1328recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill 1329his wellness potential." 1330 1331 Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal 1332of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors." 1333 1334 A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti- 1335personnel devices." You probably call them bombs. 1336 1337 At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian 1338mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired. 1339 1340 After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls 1341of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it) 1342only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling 1343of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an 1344unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice 1345touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad 1346experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his 1347pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously 1348sent him. 1349 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE) 1350% 1351 A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend. He told the operator, 1352"This is a parson to parson call." 1353 A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign. "Free 1354Chickens. Our Coop Runneth Over." 1355 Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. While Bill has a great 1356deal of experience, he certainly isn't the rigger Mort is. 1357 Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family 1358often doesn't have a legacy to stand on. 1359 The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was 1360caught again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow. 1361 A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for 1362granite. 1363% 1364 A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt. 1365As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible 1366eyeing him and giggling. One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty! What's worn 1367under the kilt?" 1368 He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you 1369SURE you want to know?" Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did 1370really want to know. 1371 The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn 1372under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!" 1373% 1374 A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it, 1375realization of a basic truth came over me. So simple! So obvious we couldn't 1376see it. John Knivlen, Chairman of Palomar Repeater Club, an amateur radio 1377group, had discovered how IC circuits work. He says that smoke is the thing 1378that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit, 1379it stops working. He claims to have verified this with thorough testing. 1380 I was flabbergasted! Of course! Smoke makes all things electrical 1381work. Remember the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator 1382Didn't it quit working? I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth 1383dawned. It's the wiring harness that carries the smoke from one device to 1384another in your Mini, MG or Jag. And when the harness springs a leak, it lets 1385the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works. The starter motor 1386requires large quantities of smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire 1387going to it is so large. 1388 Feeling very smug, I continued to expand my hypothesis. Why are Lucas 1389electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch? Hmmm... Aha!!! Lucas is 1390British, and all things British leak! British convertible tops leak water, 1391British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and 1392I might add British tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks 1393secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke. 1394 -- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School 1395% 1396 A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to 1397Madonna, a young puppy. It hitched its waggin' to a star. 1398 A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best 1399friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown. When asked by her father why she 1400had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today 1401and I've been telling it to the Maureens." 1402 Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene 1403from Don Quixote for a local TV show. "I'll play the title role," proposed 1404Tom. "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille." 1405% 1406 "...A strange enigma is man!" 1407 "Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested. 1408 "Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes. "He remarked 1409that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he 1410becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what 1411any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number 1412will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says 1413the statistician." 1414 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four" 1415% 1416 A woman was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic. 1417% 1418 A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were 1419to die, would you remarry?" 1420 After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in 1421this marriage and I would want to be this happy again." 1422 The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?" 1423 "Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well." 1424 "Well, would you live in this house?" 1425 "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully. 1426I've always loved it here." 1427 "Well, would you give her my golf clubs?" 1428 "No." 1429 "Why not?" 1430 "She's left handed." 1431% 1432 A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened 1433to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the 1434sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes. 1435"Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. 1436Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?" 1437 "Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler. 1438 "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by 1439a snake?" 1440 "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I 1441am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then 1442suck the poison from the wound." 1443 "What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on 1444a rattler?" persisted the woman. 1445 "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn 1446who my real friends are." 1447% 1448 A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a 1449little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to 1450save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder." 1451% 1452 A young married couple had their first child. Their original pride 1453and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the 1454child had never uttered any form of speech. They hired the best speech 1455therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail. The child simply refused 1456to speak. One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading 1457the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from 1458his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold." 1459 The couple is stunned. The man, in tears, confronts his son. "Son, 1460after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?". 1461 Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now". 1462% 1463 ACHTUNG!!! 1464Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy 1465schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit 1466spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das 1467rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und 1468vatch das blinkenlights!!! 1469% 1470 After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from 1471Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, 1472and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon 1473to be created." 1474 "This is true," He replied. 1475 "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. 1476 "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the 1477right to make his laws?" 1478 "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to 1479make his own." 1480 It was so granted. 1481 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1482% 1483 After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home 1484directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the 1485Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had Luke stop at the 1486edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp. 1487 "Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1. "You will never find a more 1488wretched hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious." 1489 -- DECWARS 1490% 1491 After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years in 1492 the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they 1493would finally find and enter the Promised Land. With him, he brought his 1494favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do assorted 1495camp chores. 1496 The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and, 1497 as the months passed, became very fond of him. Patriarchs took to 1498discussing abstruse theological problems with him, and each evening the 1499children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed. 1500Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was 1501ending, he abruptly wore out. Even Feghoot couldn't console them. 1502 "It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend 1503Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it. He must be properly 1504interred. We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians. Nor have we wood for 1505a coffin. But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharoah's own 1506cattle. We shall bury him in it." 1507 Feghoot agreed. "Yes, let this be his last rusting place." "Rusting?" 1508 Moses cried. "Not in this dreadful dry desert!" 1509 "Ah!" sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear, "I fear you do not 1510realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!" 1511 -- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand 1512 Feghoot!" 1513% 1514 All I really need to know about how to live and what to do and 1515how to be I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the 1516graduate-school mountain, but there in the sandpile at Sunday School. 1517These are the things I learned: 1518 Share everything. 1519 Play fair. 1520 Don't hit people. 1521 Put things back where you found them. 1522 Clean up your own mess. 1523 Don't take things that aren't yours. 1524 Say you're sorry when you hurt someone. 1525 Wash your hands before you eat. 1526 Flush. 1527 Warm cookies and cold milk are good for you. 1528 Live a balanced life -- learn some and think some and draw and 1529paint and sing and dance and play and work every day some. 1530 Take a nap every afternoon. 1531 When you go out into the world, watch for traffic, hold hands, 1532and stick together. 1533 Be aware of wonder. Remember the little seed in the Styrofoam 1534cup: The roots go down and the plant goes up and nobody really knows 1535how or why, but we are all like that. 1536 Goldfish and hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in 1537the Styrofoam cup -- they all die. So do we. 1538 And then remember the Dick-and-Jane books and the first word you 1539learned -- the biggest word of all -- LOOK. 1540 Everything you need to know is in there somewhere. The Golden 1541Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and politics and equality 1542and sane living. 1543 [...] Think what a better world it would be if we all -- the 1544whole world -- had cookies and milk about three o'clock every afternoon 1545and then lay down with our blankets for a nap. Or if all governments 1546had as a basic policy to always put things back where they found them 1547and to clean up their own mess. 1548 And it is still true, no matter how old you are -- when you go 1549out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together. 1550 -- Robert Fulghum, "All I Ever Really Needed to Know 1551 I Learned in Kindergarten" 1552% 1553 After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient 1554earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several 1555minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help. 1556 "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a 1557name for my baby." 1558 "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds 1559of first names and their meanings," said the orderly. 1560 "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first 1561name." 1562% 1563 All that you touch, And all you create, 1564 All that you see, And all you destroy, 1565 All that you taste, All that you do, 1566 All you feel, And all you say, 1567 And all that you love, All that you eat, 1568 And all that you hate, And everyone you meet, 1569 All you distrust, All that you slight, 1570 All you save, And everyone you fight, 1571 And all that you give, And all that is now, 1572 And all that you deal, And all that is gone, 1573 All that you buy, And all that's to come, 1574 Beg, borrow or steal, And everything under the sun is 1575 in tune, 1576 But the sun is eclipsed 1577 By the moon. 1578 1579There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark. 1580 -- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon" 1581% 1582 America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission 1583with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two long, lonely 1584years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds 1585or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb. 1586wife. They approve. 1587 The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin. I 1588want 100 lbs. of textbooks." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut 1589thinks for a second and says, "Two years... all right, I want 150 pounds of 1590the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it. 1591 Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside 1592to welcome back the astronauts. Well, it's obvious what the American's been 1593up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers. The 1594Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely 1595perfect Latin. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're 1596impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches 1597the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and 1598screams: "Anybody got a match?" 1599% 1600 An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same 1601time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they 1602had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll 1603teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too." 1604% 1605 An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows 1606he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great 1607restraint. 1608 As he designs the first work, frill after frill and embellishment 1609after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away to be used "next 1610time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, and the architect, 1611with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of that class of systems, 1612is ready to build a second system. 1613 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. When 1614he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will confirm each 1615other as to the general characteristics of such systems, and their differences 1616will identify those parts of his experience that are particular and not 1617generalizable. 1618 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all 1619the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one. 1620The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile". 1621 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" 1622% 1623 An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her 1624porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She 1625picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie 1626tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires. 1627 After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and 1628beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful, 1629voluptuous woman. 1630 After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich 1631for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are 1632stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch. 1633 The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?" 1634 "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my 1635faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young 1636handsome prince!" 1637 And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall, 1638handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform. 1639 As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to 1640the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me 1641fixed?" 1642% 1643 An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat 1644is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and 1645announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage. 1646 "What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard 1647all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a 1648piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!" 1649 Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs 1650"Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you had made an 1651outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to 1652this head and pulls the trigger. 1653 The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat 1654again?" 1655 "It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets." 1656 -- making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987 1657% 1658 An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals. 1659The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about 1660to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be 1661used. Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry. Your hair will be 1662woven into clothing, for my people are naked. Your bones will be ground up 1663and made into medicine, for my people are sick. Your skin will be stretched 1664over canoe frames, for my people need transportation. We are a fair people, 1665and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife." 1666 The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen", 1667while plunging the knife into his heart. 1668 The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, 1669"Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart. 1670 The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, 1671while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!" 1672% 1673 An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity 1674in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. 1675 "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if 1676you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like 1677an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an 1678hour seems like a minute." 1679 The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a 1680moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?" 1681 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 1682% 1683 An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a 1684great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures. 1685I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment. 1686I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but 1687I have not been enlightened. What should I do?" 1688 Otis replied, "Give up suffering." 1689 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" 1690% 1691 And St. Attila raised the hand grenade up on high saying "O Lord 1692bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies 1693to tiny bits, in thy mercy" and the Lord did grin and the people did feast 1694upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utangs and 1695breakfast cereals and fruit bats and... 1696 (skip a bit brother...) 1697 Er ... oh, yes ... and the Lord spake, saying "First shalt thou 1698take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. 1699Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the count 1700shall be three. Four shalt thou not count neither count thou two, excepting 1701that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number 1702three, being the third number, be reached then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand 1703Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naught in my sight, shall 1704snuff it. 1705 -- Monty Python, "The Book of Armaments" 1706% 1707 "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" 1708asked the father of his little son. 1709 "Diet." 1710% 1711 "Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully. 1712 "None," Anita replied. "She's having great difficulty finding 1713someone qualified who is willing to accept the post." 1714 "Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I 1715can at least make a decision." 1716 "Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic 1717young welp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most 1718up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind." 1719 -- R. L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly" 1720% 1721 "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best 1722to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the 1723posh hotel. 1724 "No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman. 1725 "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked. 1726 "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me 1727a postcard?" 1728% 1729 "Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?" 1730 "The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime." 1731 "But the dog did nothing in the nighttime." 1732 "That was the curious incident." 1733 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze" 1734% 1735 Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen 1736preaching to a group of disciples. 1737 "Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating 1738the absolute reality of --" 1739 "Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!" 1740 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he 1741vaporized. 1742 On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued 1743with the spirit of the morning. 1744 "Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks, 1745"Thou art That..." 1746 "Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!" 1747 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk, 1748and he vaporized. 1749 Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our 1750enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow 1751soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?" 1752 "US?" snapped Hakuin. 1753 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the 1754Governor, and he vaporized. 1755 Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with 1756his shotgun. "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!" 1757% 1758 "Are you police officers?" 1759 "No, ma'am. We're musicians." 1760 -- The Blues Brothers 1761% 1762 "Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?" 1763 "No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat." 1764 -- Monty Python 1765% 1766 As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy 1767for more than 15 percent of their life span. The words "I am sorry" and "I 1768am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary. They will stab 1769you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your 1770friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying: 1771 "Sure, I put your dog in the microwave. But I feel *better* 1772for doing it." 1773 -- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone" 1774% 1775 At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from 1776Los Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head 1777under the exhaust of a bus until he revived. 1778% 1779 Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and 1780took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his 1781followers. 1782 One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and 1783there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing. 1784 "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his 1785commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your 1786Purpose in Life, anyway?" 1787 Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The 1788Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.) 1789 Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. 1790 Primarily because nobody understood Chinese. 1791 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" 1792% 1793 "Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, 1794and finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full 1795of murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come 1796by their ignorance the hard way." 1797 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Cat's Cradle" 1798% 1799 Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November, 1800and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the 1801boat into the lake. Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't 1802look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier. 1803 By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his 1804teeth were chattering like all get out. Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to 1805the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do". 1806 Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now, 1807Leroy, listen closely. Bubba is in great danger. He has hy-po-thermia. Now 1808what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your 1809clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him. Then you all 1810get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up. 1811You understand me Leroy? You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die." 1812 Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the 1813pier. "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered. 1814 "Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die." 1815% 1816 "But Huey, you PROMISED!" 1817 "Tell 'em I lied." 1818% 1819 By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in 1820the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were 1821still five feet between rails. 1822 It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard, 1823in one day. This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May 1824of 1886. For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the 1825axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which 1826could run on the new track as soon as it was ready. Finally, on the day set, 1827great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn. Everywhere one 1828rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its 1829new position. By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate 1830over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere 1831was possible. 1832 -- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957 1833% 1834 Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees 1835along the block of booths. She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild! 1836Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!" 1837 Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks 1838would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?" 1839 Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you'd like 1840to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?" 1841 Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no, 1842I don't believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it." 1843 Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don't believe we care to a 1844whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it." 1845 Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let's try 1846it some other time, Carrie." 1847 She gave it up. 1848 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street" 1849% 1850 Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio, 1851the father spanked them. His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?" 1852"In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete." 1853% 1854 Chapter VIII 1855Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension, 1856Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe 1857like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again. 1858% 1859 "Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please, which 1860way I ought to go from here?" 1861 "That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said 1862the Cat. 1863 "I don't care much where--" said Alice. 1864 "Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat. 1865 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) 1866% 1867 Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermont noted 1868in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more 1869owls." 1870 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 1871% 1872 COONDOG MEMORY 1873 (heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago) 1874 1875Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as 1876old as the average dog can, but she's got a pretty good memory to boot. 1877For instance, last week this old boy who lives down the road from me, and 1878is forever stinkmouthing my hounds, brought some city fellow around to 1879try out ol' Sis here. So I turned her out south of the house and she made 1880two or three big swings back and forth across the edge of the woods, set 1881back her head, bayed a couple of times, cut straight through the woods, 1882come to a little clearing, jumped about three foot straight up in the air, 1883run to the other side, and commenced to letting out a racket like she had 1884something treed. We went over there with our flashlights and shone them 1885up in the tree but couldn't catch no shine offa coon's eyes, and my 1886neighbor sorta indicated that ol' Sis might be a little crazy, `cause she 1887stood right to the tree and kept singing up into it. So I pulled off my 1888coat and climbed up into the branches, and sure enough, there was a coon 1889skeleton wedged in between a couple of branches about twenty foot up. 1890Now as I was saying, she can follow a pretty old trail, but this fellow 1891was still calling her crazy or touched `cause she had hopped up in the 1892air while she was crossing the clearing, until I reminded him that the 1893Hawkins' had a fence across there about five years back. Now, this dog 1894is for sale. 1895 -- News that stayed News: Ten Years of Coevolution Quarterly 1896% 1897 Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the 1898functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that 1899the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free. 1900 However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the 1901diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and 1902square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the 1903date of purchase. 1904 NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS 1905DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING 1906ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR 1907CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES. 1908 -- Horstmann Software Design, the "ChiWriter" user manual 1909% 1910 Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule 1911 1912 Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High 1913 Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049 1914 Sept 28 Blind Academy 1915 Sept 30 World War I Veterans 1916 Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041 1917 Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders 1918 Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir 1919 Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic 1920 Nov 9 Korean War Amputees 1921 Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients 1922% 1923 "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll 1924be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?" 1925% 1926 "Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are 1927married?" 1928 He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so. 1929I've always been especially fond of married women." 1930% 1931 Deck us all with Boston Charlie, 1932 Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo! 1933 Nora's freezin' on the trolley, 1934 Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo! 1935 1936 Don't we know archaic barrel, 1937 Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou. 1938 Trolley Molly don't love Harold, 1939 Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo! 1940 -- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie" 1941% 1942 "Do you think there's a God?" 1943 "Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!" 1944 -- Calvin and Hobbs 1945% 1946 Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a 1947white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine. 1948 1949Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17) 1950 1951p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxzema on friction burns? 1952 Or is Vaseline better? 1953% 1954 "Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, 1955sincerely, extremely dangerously. 1956 They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. 1957They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They used 1958intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used finks. 1959They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used fallaron. They 1960used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. They used the 1961bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery. 1962They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics. 1963They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him. 1964 -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man" 1965% 1966 "Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?" 1967 "Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" 1968 "Well, I've never done anything illegal before." 1969 "... I thought you said you were an accountant." 1970% 1971 Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether 1972at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or 1973"mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such 1974experiences today. Here is his account of what happened: 1975 "I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination 1976to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the 1977thought I should find uppermost in my mind. The mighty music of the triumphal 1978march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a 1979sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment. 1980The veil of eternity was lifted. The one great truth which underlies all 1981human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has 1982sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation. Henceforth 1983all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the 1984knowledge of the cherubim. As my natural condition returned, I remembered 1985my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling 1986characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness. 1987The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder): 1988`A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout.'" 1989 -- The Consumers Union Report: Licit & Illicit Drugs 1990% 1991 During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had 1992him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon. 1993 In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher. 1994She's a woman who conks to stupor. 1995 Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a 1996man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker." 1997 It's not the initial skirt length, it's the upcreep. 1998 It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with 1999bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins. 2000% 2001 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen 2002were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a 2003red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, 2004"Hey, you almost hit my wife." 2005 "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a 2006shot at mine, over there." 2007% 2008 Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles, 2009called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you 2010have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in 2011most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the 2012time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could 2013have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey, 2014although God alone knows why it would want to. 2015 The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, 2016direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes 2017have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one 2018direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents 2019harmful electron buildup in the wires. 2020 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 2021% 2022 Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times. 2023At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly 2024after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely, 2025"Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so 2026charming a wife." 2027% 2028 Everything is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as 2029far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for 2030the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to. 2031 It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old 2032days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers? 2033 There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everybody 2034speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them. 2035 The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips 2036and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the 2037sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so much smaller. 2038 Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to 2039be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older 2040than I am. 2041 I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much 2042that she didn't recognize me. 2043 I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair 2044this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really now, 2045they don't even make good mirrors like they used to. 2046 Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed" 2047% 2048 Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping 2049mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as 2050"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you 2051how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence", 2052"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night 2053So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc. 2054 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 2055% 2056 Exxon's "Universe of Energy" tends to the peculiar rather than the 2057humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and 2058rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the 2059seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs. 2060The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face. 2061 "One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to 2062aggravate illusions. Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like, 2063but Exxon has decided they smelled bad. 2064 "At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there's a final, very addled 2065message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise. I dozed off during this, 2066but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with 2067energy policy and neither do you." 2068 -- P. J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell" 2069% 2070 "Fantasies are free." 2071 "NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!" 2072% 2073 Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each 2074other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around 2075the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors 2076d'oeuvres. 2077 Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes 2078to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your 2079Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright 2080piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. 2081 Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with 2082inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down 2083other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and 2084placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when 2085the little hammers strike. 2086 Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over 2087their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning 2088Christmas tree. The piano is missing. 2089 2090 You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless 2091you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level 20924. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog. 2093% 2094 "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence 2095of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind." 2096 2097 "Whose?" 2098 2099 "MINE! HA-HA!" 2100% 2101 "Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly: 2102"of course you know what `it' means." 2103 2104 "I know what `it' means well enough, when I find a thing," 2105said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm. 2106 2107The question is, what did the archbishop find?" 2108% 2109 Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as 2110usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular 2111evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals, 2112such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese." 2113 One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block, 2114and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four 2115fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities... 2116 At last, one spoke: "How about `a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded 2117in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem. A second 2118professor spoke: "I'd suggest `an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others 2119nodded. A third spoke: "I propose `a Flourish of Strumpets.'" 2120 They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor 2121remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of 2122the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your 2123thoughts?" 2124 Replied the fourth professor, "`An Anthology of Prose.'" 2125% 2126 Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance. 2127"What happened?" 2128 "I was struck by the beauty of the place." 2129% 2130 Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their 2131engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who 2132was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy 2133and sarcastic?" 2134 "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend. 2135 "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer." 2136% 2137 "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an 2138extracurricular activity except you." 2139 "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?" 2140 "Only to ten, Mudhead." 2141 -- The Firesign Theatre 2142% 2143 "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning 2144to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this 2145beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a 2146dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little 2147apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours 2148in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?" 2149% 2150 God decided to take the devil to court and settle their 2151differences once and for all. 2152 When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just 2153where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?" 2154% 2155 Graduating seniors, parents and friends... 2156 Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up 2157to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness. 2158 The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the 2159text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism. 2160 Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured 2161the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to 2162expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic. 2163 Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric 2164perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed 2165denigrating to the political consensus of the moment. 2166 2167 Thank you and good luck. 2168 -- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech. 2169% 2170 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917 2171 2172On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then- 2173Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them 2174off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I 2175wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his 2176mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a 2177tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men 2178stood lookout. 2179% 2180 Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there 2181may be in Science. As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system. 2182Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results. And listen to others, 2183even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers. Avoid loud and 2184aggressive persons, for they are sales reps. 2185 If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised, 2186for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched. 2187Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real 2188hassle and could change your fortunes in time. 2189 Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of 2190bugs. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive 2191for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations. Strive for 2192proportionality. Especially, do not faint when it occurs. Neither be cyclical 2193about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed. 2194 Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points. Gracefully pass 2195them on to the youth at the next desk. Nurture some mutual funds to shield 2196you in times of sudden layoffs. But do not distress yourself with imaginings 2197-- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly. Murphy's Law runs the 2198Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt <Curl>B*n dS = 0. 2199 Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you 2200can conceive of to try. With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken 2201line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary. Be linear. Strive 2202to stay employed. 2203 -- Technolorata, "Analog" 2204% 2205 "Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed 2206his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns 2207verbed, and adjectives adverbised. He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his 2208thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he 2209had actually implicationed. 2210 "If that is how General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian 2211leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent 2212since Clausewitz. Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first." 2213 -- The Guardian 2214% 2215 Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You 2216are the Yin and I am the Yang. If we travel together we will become famous 2217and earn vast sums of money." And so the pair set forth together, thinking 2218to conquer the world. 2219 Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and 2220hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao 2221lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does 2222not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune, 2223for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time." 2224 Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes. 2225 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 2226% 2227 Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home 2228from the club to an irate, ranting wife. 2229 "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You 2230promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost 2231nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf." 2232 "Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised 2233you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off 2234right on time and everything was find for the first three holes. Then, on 2235the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't 2236find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for 2237the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred... 2238% 2239 Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism. 2240No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have 2241been worse." 2242 To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a 2243situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no 2244hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said, 2245"Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night, 2246found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned 2247the gun on himself!" 2248 "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse." 2249 "How in hell," demanded his dumbfounded friend, "could it possibly 2250have been worse?" 2251 "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be 2252dead right now." 2253% 2254 "Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?" 2255 "Yes; I don't have one." 2256 "Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors..." 2257 -- E. D'Azevedo, CS, University of Washington 2258% 2259 "Have you lived here all your life?" 2260 "Oh, twice that long." 2261% 2262 "Hawk, we're going to die." 2263 "Never say die... and certainly never say we." 2264 -- M*A*S*H 2265% 2266 He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought 2267until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to 2268heal. Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and 2269ordered the dog brought in. Just as he had suspected, the dog had 2270rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient serum, the doctor 2271felt he had to prepare him for the worst. The poor man sat down at the 2272doctor's desk and began to write. His physician tried to comfort him. 2273"Perhaps it won't be so bad," he said. "You needn't make out your will 2274right now." 2275 "I'm not making out any will," relied the man. "I'm just writing 2276out a list of people I'm going to bite!" 2277% 2278 ...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither 2279does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to 2280combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is 2281self-propagating. 2282 -- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose" 2283% 2284 He who receives ideas from me, receives instruction himself without 2285lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine receives light 2286without darkening me. 2287 -- Thomas Jefferson on patents on ideas 2288% 2289 "Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help." 2290 "Thanks. Got it upstairs already." 2291 "Do it alone?" 2292 "Nope. Hitched the cat to it." 2293 "How would that help?" 2294 "Used a whip." 2295% 2296 "Hello, Mrs. Premise!" 2297 "Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion! Busy day?" 2298 "Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat." 2299 "Four hours to bury a cat!?" 2300 "Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..." 2301 "Oh, it's not dead then." 2302 "Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're 2303goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be 2304on the safe side." 2305 "Quite right. You don't want to come back from Sorrento 2306to a dead cat, do you?" 2307 -- Monty Python 2308% 2309 "Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" 2310 "Whattaya need?" 2311 "Oh, about $500." 2312 "Whattaya got for collateral?" 2313 "Whattaya need?" 2314 "How about an eye?" 2315 -- Sam Giancana 2316% 2317 "Hmm, lots of people seem to be confused about the difference 2318between amd64 and ia64." 2319 "Obviously they've never had an ia64 drop on their foot. They'd 2320know the difference then." 2321 -- Peter Wemm explains CPU architecture 2322% 2323 Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's 2324willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop 2325for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say 2326"shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home 2327centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas 2328trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise 2329because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every 2330object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ... 2331 Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the 2332broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has 2333a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the 2334inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the 2335same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at 2336an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of 2337these sometime around the middle of next week". 2338 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 2339% 2340 "How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary 2341of her blonde companion. 2342 "Fishing through the ice," she replied. 2343 "Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?" 2344 "Olives." 2345% 2346 "How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why 2347were you afraid to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her." 2348 "I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat 2349replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were 2350you. As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be 2351deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them. As for your 2352second question --" Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested 2353in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then 2354licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but 2355examined his claws. 2356 "If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been 2357hers and not my own, not ever again." 2358 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" 2359% 2360 "How many people work here?" 2361 "Oh, about half." 2362% 2363 How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are 23643.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, 2365who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a 2366nanocentury. 2367 -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs 2368% 2369 "How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy 2370social climber said to her roommate. "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche 2371full of money before." 2372% 2373 "How'd you get that flat?" 2374 "Ran over a bottle." 2375 "Didn't you see it?" 2376 "Damn kid had it under his coat." 2377% 2378 Human thinking can skip over a great deal, leap over small 2379misunderstandings, can contain ifs and buts in untroubled corners of 2380the mind. But the machine has no corners. Despite all the attempts to 2381see the computer as a brain, the machine has no foreground or 2382background. It can be programmed to behave as if it were working with 2383uncertainty, but -- underneath, at the code, at the circuits -- it 2384cannot simultaneously do something and withhold for later something that 2385remains unknown. In the painstaking working out of the specification, 2386line by code line, the programmer confronts an awful, inevitable truth: 2387The ways of human and machine understanding are disjunct. 2388 -- Ellen Ullman, "Close to the Machine" 2389% 2390 "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into 2391the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information." 2392 "Who was that?" his young wife asked. 2393 "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear." 2394% 2395 "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a 2396quavering voice. 2397 "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of 2398course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which 2399I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in 2400Elven-lore: 2401 2402 "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves, 2403 Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves. 2404 Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop, 2405 This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop. 2406 The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring. 2407 The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing. 2408 If broken or busted, it cannot be remade. 2409 If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)." 2410 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 2411% 2412 I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is 2413the sky blue?" 2414 HE asked me about black holes in space. 2415 (There's a hole *where*?) 2416 2417 I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?" 2418 HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains. 2419 (Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...) 2420 2421 I talked about Choo-Choo trains. 2422 HE talked internal combustion engines. 2423 (The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.") 2424 2425 I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete 2426as equals. 2427 HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create 2428the graphics. 2429 2430 Then puberty struck. Ah, adolescence. 2431 HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women." 2432 (Gotcha!) 2433 -- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child" 2434% 2435 I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because 2436we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently 2437leads to violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, 2438in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had 2439time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the 2440library, we could call each other up: 2441 You: Hello? Bob? 2442 Bob: Yes? 2443 You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you 2444 took last Thursday? Outside of Sears? 2445 Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed? 2446 You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is: 2447 "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait. 2448 I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill 2449 and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto 2450 the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to 2451 have to get back to you. 2452 Bob: Fine. 2453 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 2454% 2455 "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said 2456 Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't -- 2457till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for 2458you!'" 2459 "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice 2460objected. 2461 "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful 2462tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor 2463less." 2464 "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean 2465so many different things." 2466 "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master-- 2467that's all." 2468 -- Lewis Carroll, 2469 "Through the Looking-Glass, 2470 and What Alice Found There" (1871) 2471% 2472 I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the 2473accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For 2474the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that 2475can't be measured in monetary terms. 2476 Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to 2477have that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came 2478by subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot 2479should someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly 2480understand his long delay. 2481% 2482 I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me. 2483I pushed "1" and he just stood there. I said "Hi, where you going?" 2484 He said, "Phoenix." So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later 2485the doors opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix. 2486 I looked at him and said "You know, you're the kind of guy I 2487want to hang around with." We got into his car and drove out to his 2488shack in the desert. 2489 Then the phone rang. He said "You get it." 2490 I picked it up and said "Hello?" 2491 The other side said "Is this Steven Wright?" 2492 I said "Yes..." 2493 The guy said "Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from 2494your bank. It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the 2495university you attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we 2496loaned you. We would just like to know what happened to the money?" 2497 I said, "Mr. Jones, I'll give it to you straight. I gave all 2498of the money to my friend Slick, and with it he built a nuclear weapon... 2499and I would appreciate it you never called me again." 2500 -- Steven Wright 2501% 2502 "I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me. 2503I think very probably he might be cured." 2504 "That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob. 2505 "His brain is affected," said the blind doctor. 2506 The elders murmured assent. 2507 "Now, what affects it?" 2508 "Ah!" said old Yacob. 2509 "This," said the doctor, answering his own question. "Those queer 2510things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft 2511depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way 2512as to affect his brain. They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and 2513his eyelids move, and consequently his brain is in a state of constant 2514irritation and distraction." 2515 "Yes?" said old Yacob. "Yes?" 2516 "And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order 2517to cure him completely, all that we need do is a simple and easy surgical 2518operation - namely, to remove those irritant bodies." 2519 "And then he will be sane?" 2520 "Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen." 2521 "Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob. 2522 -- H. G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind" 2523% 2524 "I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." 2525 "Did you ever see a doctor?" 2526 "No, just spots." 2527% 2528 I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments 2529of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use 2530of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such 2531as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive", 2532"I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me 2533at present". 2534 When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied 2535myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him 2536immediately some absurdity in his proposition. In answering I began by 2537observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, 2538but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference, etc. 2539 I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the 2540conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I 2541proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction. 2542I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily 2543prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I 2544happened to be in the right. 2545 -- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin 2546% 2547 I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more. I knew that he disliked 2548me to cry. 2549 This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better 2550to weep." 2551 I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come 2552back; I would be nice." 2553 Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always." 2554 "Oh, not enough." 2555 "Nobody can give anybody enough." 2556 "Not ever?" 2557 "No, not ever. But one must go on trying." 2558 "And doesn't one ever value people until they are gone?" 2559 "Rarely," said Francis. I went on weeping; I saw how little I had 2560valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine. 2561 -- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs" 2562% 2563 I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and 2564asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged. 2565That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten 2566over the same month for the previous year. The precinct had made two 2567arrests. 2568 "Not a very impressive record," I offered. 2569 "Don't worry about it," the sergeant assured me. "You know what 2570these complaints represent?" 2571 "What do they represent?" I asked. 2572 "Prostitutes who didn't get their money," he said firmly, 2573closing the book. 2574 -- Susan Brownmiller, "Against Our Will" 2575% 2576 [I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path, 2577including beets, rutabagas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams, 2578as I am absolutely terrified of yams... 2579 Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many 2580of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands 2581and deep blue seas in a language closely resembling that of the common sow. 2582My psychosis was further impressed into my soul as I reached adolescence, 2583when, while skipping through a field of yams, light-heartedly tossing flowers 2584into the stratosphere, a great yam-picking machine tore through the fields, 2585pursuing me to the edge of the great plantation, where I escaped by diving 2586into a great ditch filled with a mixture of water and pig manure, which may 2587explain my tendency to scream, "Here come the Martians! Hide the eggs!" every 2588time I have pork. But I digress. The fact remains that I cannot rationally 2589deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists. 2590% 2591 "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of 2592that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put 2593more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it 2594might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not 2595otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be 2596otherwise.'" 2597 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) 2598% 2599 I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5." 2600 He said, "What you need is to grow up, son." 2601 I said, "Growin' up leads to growin' old, And then to dying, and 2602to me that don't sound like much fun. 2603 -- John Cougar, "The Authority Song" 2604% 2605 "I suppose you expect me to talk." 2606 "No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die." 2607 -- Goldfinger 2608% 2609 "I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'" 2610 "Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of 2611dairy products." 2612 -- The Life of Brian 2613% 2614 "I thought you were trying to get into shape." 2615 "I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle." 2616% 2617 I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, 2618"What'll you have, Bud"? 2619 I said," I don't know, surprise me". 2620 So he showed me a nude picture of my wife. 2621 -- Rodney Dangerfield 2622% 2623 If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction. 2624 On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, 2625that is also a psychological interaction. 2626 The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not 2627so friendly. 2628 The crucial point is if you can tell which is which. 2629 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 2630% 2631 If the tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the 2632operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler 2633is great, then the application is great. If the application is great, then 2634the user is pleased and there is harmony in the world. 2635 The tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth 2636to the assembler. 2637 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand 2638languages. 2639 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language 2640expresses the yin and yang of software. Each language has its place within 2641the tao. 2642 But do not program in Cobol or Fortran if you can help it. 2643% 2644 If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of 2645everything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up the wins, and then 2646we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf. 2647 Both those things sound pretty good to me. 2648 -- Sparky Anderson 2649% 2650 If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you 2651brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled- 2652up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and 2653repeat the sequence. 2654 You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to 2655hit that window jamb, that door, that chair. Get back on course and do it 2656again. How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around 2657your own apartment? 2658 -- William S. Burroughs 2659% 2660 If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs 2661around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace 2662explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The 2663"professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and 2664deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the 2665better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random 2666with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives 2667you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a 2668successful campaign for the U.S. Senate. 2669 And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself. 2670You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How 2671difficult can it be?" 2672 Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible, 2673which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying 2674other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up 2675yourself for far less money. This article can help you. 2676 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 2677% 2678 "I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided. "The pin I'm wearing 2679means I'm a member of the IA. That's Inamorati Anonymous. An inamorato is 2680somebody in love. That's the worst addiction of all." 2681 "Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with 2682them, or something?" 2683 "Right. The whole idea is to get where you don't need it. I was 2684lucky. I kicked it young. But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or 2685not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming." 2686 "You hold meetings, then, like the AA?" 2687 "No, of course not. You get a phone number, an answering service 2688you can call. Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case 2689it gets so bad you can't handle it alone. We're isolates, Arnold. Meetings 2690would destroy the whole point of it." 2691 -- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49" 2692% 2693 "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the 2694young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me. 2695I'm on my way." 2696 "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!" 2697% 2698 I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the 2699right manual yet. I've been working my way through the manuals in the document 2700library and I'm half way through the second cabinet, (3 shelves to go), so I 2701should find what I'm looking for by mid May. I hope I can remember what it 2702was by the time I find it. 2703 I had this idea for a new horror film, "VMS Manuals from Hell" or maybe 2704"The Paper Chase: IBM vs. DEC". It's based on Hitchcock's "The Birds", except 2705that it's centered around a programmer who is attacked by a swarm of binder 2706pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left 2707blank." 2708 -- Alex Crain 2709% 2710 "I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after 2711badly nicking a customer. "Let me wrap your head in a towel." 2712 "That's all right," said the customer. "I'll just take it home 2713under my arm." 2714% 2715 In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, 2716Junior, what are you up to?" 2717 "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the 2718rabbit. 2719 "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible! No one 2720will publish such rubbish!" 2721 "Well, follow me and I'll show you." 2722 They both go into the rabbit's dwelling and after a while the 2723rabbit emerges with a satisfied expression on his face. 2724 Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?" 2725 "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits 2726devour wolves." 2727 "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?" 2728 "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes 2729out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw. 2730Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody 2731should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting 2732next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox. 2733 2734 The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are 2735important -- it's your PhD advisor that really counts. 2736% 2737 In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to 2738his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's 2739kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment 2740was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc. 2741Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News, 2742Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess 2743of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts. Lawyers 2744and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure 2745out how the pie gets divided. Neither profession provides any added value 2746to product." 2747 According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has 274810 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population. The U.S. has 200 2749lawyers and 700 accountants. This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of 2750pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have 2751been an efficiency expert? 2752 -- Motor Trend, May 1983 2753% 2754 In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be 2755mud." 2756 And there was mud. 2757 And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud 2758can see what we have done." 2759 And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was 2760man. Mud-as-man alone could speak. 2761 "What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely. 2762 "Everything must have a purpose?" asked God. 2763 "Certainly," said man. 2764 "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God. 2765 And He went away. 2766 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu" 2767% 2768 In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and 2769null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of 2770IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there 2771be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they 2772carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called 2773the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was 2774evening and there was morning, one interrupt. 2775 -- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk" 2776% 2777 In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by 2778the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to 2779large numbers and prospered. 2780 One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far 2781as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that 2782was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further up they went ... 2783until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox. 2784 The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge 2785structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians climbed 2786out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when 2787they began to speak to one another, SURPRISE of all surprises! they could not 2788understand each other. They all spoke different languages. They all fought 2789amongst themselves and each went about their own way. To this day the 2790Topologists remain the original Mathematicians. 2791 -- The Story of Babel 2792% 2793 In the beginning was the Tao. The Tao gave birth to Space and Time. 2794Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming. 2795 2796 Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of 2797time and space for their programs. Programmers that comprehend the Tao always 2798have enough time and space to accomplish their goals. 2799 How could it be otherwise? 2800 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 2801% 2802 In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he 2803sat hacking at the PDP-6. 2804 "What are you doing?", asked Minsky. 2805 "I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe." 2806 "Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky. 2807 "I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play". 2808 At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do 2809you close your eyes?" 2810 "So that the room will be empty." 2811 At that moment, Sussman was enlightened. 2812% 2813 In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It 2814changes into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this 2815bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters. 2816This message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull 2817making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with 2818the blue sky at its back, returns home. 2819 The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands 2820it not. The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears 2821its message. The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he 2822does not know that the bird has come and gone. 2823 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 2824% 2825 In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads 2826 In the evening, floating in the soup. 2827(chorus): 2828Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads; 2829Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum! 2830 You can ask them anything you want to. 2831 They won't answer; they can't talk. 2832(chorus): 2833 I took a fish head out to see a movie, 2834 Didn't have to pay to get it in. 2835(chorus): 2836 They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters; 2837 They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums. 2838(chorus): 2839 Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappuccino in 2840 Italian restaurants with Oriental women. 2841(chorus): 2842 Fishy! 2843(chorus): 2844 -- Barnes & Barnes, "Fish Heads" 2845% 2846 "In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa 2847to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to 2848like them, and I'm old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely 2849baroque feel to a continent. And they tell me it's not equatorial enough. 2850Equatorial!" He gave a hollow laugh. "What does it matter? Science has 2851achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than 2852right any day." 2853 "And are you?" 2854 "No. That's where it all falls down, of course." 2855 "Pity," said Arthur with sympathy. "It sounded like quite a good 2856life-style otherwise." 2857 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 2858% 2859 In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially 2860announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency. During His press conference 2861today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have 2862a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together 2863in time. I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned 2864around! Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all 2865those annoying mountains and rivers. I never could stand them!" 2866 There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's 2867citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency. God replied to 2868these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other 2869than a citizen bless their country?" 2870% 2871 "Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?" 2872 "To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time." 2873 "The dog did nothing in the night-time." 2874 "That was the curious incident," remarked Sherlock Holmes. 2875% 2876 It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden 2877directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire. 2878During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the 2879Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with 2880enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's 2881sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script, 2882custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore 2883freedom and games to the network... 2884 -- DECWARS 2885% 2886 It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and 2887by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate 2888the habit of thinking about what we are doing. The precise opposite is the 2889case. Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations 2890which we can perform without thinking about them. Operations of thought are 2891like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they 2892require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments. 2893 -- Alfred North Whitehead 2894% 2895 It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will 2896not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and 2897because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature 2898human beings. 2899 The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case, 2900there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the 2901duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one 2902of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but 2903you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments 2904and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you. 2905 Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like 2906to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic 2907response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock? 2908 Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you 2909have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a 2910different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this 2911person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then 2912remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different 2913religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms. 2914 -- Playboy, January, 1983 2915% 2916 It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all 2917primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach 2918of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings 2919arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself 2920completely. ... Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged 2921once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or 2922subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son, 2923man. 2924 -- Friedrich Nietzsche, "The Birth of Tragedy" 2925% 2926 It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships 2927for a few years. He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences 2928change over fairly often, and he's got a good life. The only problem is the 2929ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year 2930after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and 2931starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes 2932a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind 2933his back!" Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much 2934he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the 2935passengers. 2936 One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without 2937a trace. Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the 2938parrot. For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging 2939to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end. 2940As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to 2941the magician's end of the log. With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps 2942"OK, you win, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?" 2943% 2944 It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air 2945balloon to cross the United States. After forty hours in the air, George 2946turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course! We 2947need to find out where we are." 2948 Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the 2949cloud cover. Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man 2950standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me! Can you please tell me 2951where we are?" 2952 The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately 2953fifty feet in the air!" 2954 George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer". 2955 Replies Harry, "How can you tell?". 2956 "Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally 2957useless!" 2958 2959That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about 2960George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the 2961New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer". 2962% 2963 It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built, 2964everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment 2965was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has 2966cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing. 2967 There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never 2968really needed in the first place. 2969 I expect every installation has its own pet software which is 2970analogous to the above. 2971 -- K. E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa 2972% 2973 It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east 2974laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The 2975thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, 2976nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying 2977for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's. 2978 Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating 2979under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting 2980icepacks. 2981 -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 2982% 2983 "It's a summons." 2984 "What's a summons?" 2985 "It means summon's in trouble." 2986 -- Rocky and Bullwinkle 2987% 2988 "It's today!" said Piglet. 2989 "My favorite day," said Pooh. 2990% 2991 Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has 2992been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade. 2993 "Why me?" whines the boy. "Three years ago I carried the flag 2994when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was 2995Andropov's turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin. Why is 2996it always me, teacher?" 2997 "Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands," the teacher 2998explains. 2999 3000 -- being told in Poland, 1987 3001% 3002 Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of 3003her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit 3004the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her 3005way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly 3006begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her 3007stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. 3008 "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of 3009the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't 3010mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your 3011wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." 3012 "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one 3013can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." 3014 "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on 3015the dining room skylight." 3016% 3017 Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she 3018lived with was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always 3019getting pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to 3020the farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their 3021sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do 3022you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her? 3023What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead 3024of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under 3025the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops whatsoever. 3026They probably got by on federal crop supports, which Lassie filed the 3027applications for. 3028 -- Dave Barry 3029% 3030 Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and 3031tries to hide behind a beard. No good. There are still too many people 3032and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking. He moves to the 3033outskirts of town. He finds a place to live -- huge mansion, dirt cheap, 3034caretaker included. He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants, 3035day and night, and there's no one to laugh or boo or even look bored. 3036 Nobody's cut the grass in months. What's happened to that caretaker? 3037What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are 3038start to get curious. A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper. 3039Before the summer's end, four more teenagers have disappeared. The senior 3040class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she's going out to a 3041movie one night and stays out. The town's up in arms, but just before the 3042police take action, the kids turn up. They've found a purpose. They go 3043home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they'll be going 3044now. They're in a band. 3045 -- Ira Kaplan 3046% 3047 Listen, Tyrone, you don't know how dangerous that stuff is. 3048Suppose someday you just plug in and go away and never come back? Eh? 3049 Ho, ho! Don't I wish! What do you think every electrofreak 3050dreams about? You're such an old fuddyduddy! A-and who sez it's a 3051dream, huh? M-maybe it exists. Maybe there is a Machine to take us 3052away, take us completely, suck us out through the electrodes out of 3053the skull 'n' into the Machine and live there forever with all the 3054other souls it's got stored there. It could decide who it would suck 3055out, a-and when. Dope never gave you immortality. You hadda come 3056back, every time, into a dying hunk of smelly meat! But We can live 3057forever, in a clean, honest, purified, Electroworld. 3058 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 3059% 3060 Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode 3061into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man 3062galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'! Run fer yer lives!" 3063 Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open. An enormous man, standing over 3064eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a 3065rattlesnake for a whip. Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over 3066the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!" 3067 The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man 3068guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar. He then stood aghast as 3069the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and 3070smacked his lips with relish. 3071 "Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered. 3072 "Naw, I gotta git outta here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's 3073a-comin'." 3074% 3075 Love's Drug 3076 3077My love is like an iron wand 3078 That conks me on the head, 3079My love is like the valium 3080 That I take before my bed, 3081My love is like the pint of scotch 3082 That I drink when I be dry; 3083And I shall love thee still, my dear, 3084 Until my wife is wise. 3085% 3086 "Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years." 3087 "What about X?" 3088 "I said `intellectual'." 3089 ;login, 9/1990 3090% 3091 Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills. 3092Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max." 3093% 3094 "Mind if I smoke?" 3095 "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!" 3096% 3097 "Mind if I smoke?" 3098 "Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?" 3099% 3100 Mother seemed pleased by my draft notice. "Just think of all 3101the people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son." 3102 Laughingly I felled her with a right cross. 3103 -- Spike Milligan 3104% 3105 Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly 3106approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby. 3107 "Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as 3108to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work? 3109All I have in the world is this gun." 3110% 3111 Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada 3112Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The 3113company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent 3114defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time). 3115 The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in 3116plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per 3117cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately." 3118 -- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail 3119% 3120 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring 3121Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping 3122pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret 3123military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and 3124Esther and hustle them off to prison. 3125 They can't prove who they are because they've left their 3126passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day 3127and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation 3128movement. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court, 3129charged with espionage, and sentenced to death. 3130 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where 3131they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them 3132if they have any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call 3133her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not 3134possible, and turns to Murray. 3135 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he 3136spits in the sergeants face. 3137 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." 3138 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 3139% 3140 My friends, I am here to tell you of the wondrous continent known as 3141Africa. Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31. 3142We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in 3143Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at 31446:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by 31456:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That 3146was the biggest game we had. Africa is primarily inhabited by Elks, Moose 3147and Knights of Pithiests. 3148 The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their 3149annual conventions. And you should see them gathered around the water hole, 3150which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water. They 3151weren't looking for a water hole. They were looking for an alck hole. 3152 One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my 3153pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. That's a tough 3154word to say, tusks. As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were 3155embedded so firmly we couldn't get them out. But in Alabama the Tusks are 3156looser, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying. 3157 We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. 3158So we're going back in a few years... 3159 -- Julius H. Marx 3160% 3161 "My God! Are we sure he was a liberal?" 3162 "Pretty sure. They pulled him from a Volvo." 3163% 3164 My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or 3165even that they were always wrong. Rather, I believe that science must be 3166understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of 3167robots programmed to collect pure information. I also present this view as 3168an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for a noble hope sacrificed on 3169the alter of human limitations. 3170 I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often 3171in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it. Galileo was not shown 3172the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar motion. He had 3173threatened the Church's conventional argument for social and doctrinal 3174stability: the static world order with planets circling about a central 3175earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord. But the 3176Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology. They had no choice; the 3177earth really does revolve about the sun. 3178 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" 3179% 3180 "My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things 3181a girl should not do before twenty." 3182 "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large 3183audience, either." 3184% 3185 Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for 3186you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an 3187oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many 3188cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal commitment. 3189 Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially 3190the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are 3191repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw 3192in the others. 3193 While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture 3194of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui. Don't ask who took 3195it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture. 3196 Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had 3197therapy ask if people have had therapy. 3198 Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc. 3199Assume that she bought them at a flea market. 3200 -- James Peterson and Kate Nolan 3201% 3202 NEW YORK -- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of 3203directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip 3204Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the 3205offer was rejected because the $90-per-share bid did not reflect the 3206true value of the company. 3207 Wall Street insiders, however, tell quite a different story. 3208Apparently, the Kraft board of directors had all but signed the takeover 3209agreement when they learned of Philip Morris' marketing plans for one of 3210their major Middle East subsidiaries. To a person, the board voted to 3211reject the bid when they discovered that the tobacco giant intended to 3212reorganize Israeli Cheddar, Ltd., and name the new company Cheeses of 3213Nazareth. 3214% 3215 "No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so 3216simple, really. "I didn't, for a long time, but I do now. You just can't 3217hold people, you can't own them. I mean it's only natural, a natural process 3218really. Meet. Love. Part. Life goes on. There was never any reason to 3219expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,' you know." There were 3220those doubt-quotes of Smoky's, heavily indicated. "I don't hold a grudge. I 3221can't." 3222 "You do," Grandfather Trout said. "And you don't understand." 3223 -- Little, Big, "John Crowley" 3224% 3225 Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?" 3226 He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest idea. 3227 "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly. 3228"The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program, 3229born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the 3230program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever 3231stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here, 3232a keystroke changed there." She sweeps her arm in a wide arc. "And other 3233times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very 3234*essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the 3235program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching 3236the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can 3237stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest 3238hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march. 3239"This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!" 3240% 3241 Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home 3242tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. 3243 Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell 3244plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where 3245they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of 3246Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon 3247administration. In either the hardware or housewares department, 3248you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and 3249described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with 3250interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools 3251that Americans might use around the home. Buy it. 3252 This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it 3253inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the 3254so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off 3255if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to 3256direct sunlight. 3257 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 3258% 3259 Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something 3260to be avoided than harped upon. 3261 Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being 3262reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might 3263just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something 3264about helping to postpone this reunion. 3265 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" 3266% 3267 "Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out 3268of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on 3269urban crime. Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you can call, that will 3270put you through to our central base in Atlanta. Go ahead, call -- they'll 3271confirm who I am. 3272 "Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it." 3273 -- Captain Freedom 3274% 3275 Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train 3276demolished an automobile and its occupants. Being the chief witness, his 3277testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark, 3278and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid 3279no attention to the signal. 3280 The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company 3281complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said, 3282"I was afraid you would waver under testimony." 3283 "No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned 3284lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit." 3285% 3286 On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in 3287receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's 3288income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than 3289$283 on the desk before the cashier. 3290 "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That 3291route never brought in money like this! What happened?" 3292 "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured 3293business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and 3294worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!" 3295% 3296 On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping 3297around for a present for his wife. He knew what she wanted, a 3298grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one 3299almost impossible to find. Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe 3300found just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver. Joe, 3301desperate, paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and 3302staggered out onto the sidewalk. On the way home, he passed a bar. 3303Just as he reached the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe, 3304sending himself, Joe, and the clock into the gutter. Murphy's law 3305being in effect, the clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces. 3306 "You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the 3307wreckage. "Why don't you look where the hell you're going!" 3308 With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and 3309dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a 3310normal person?" 3311% 3312 On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum 3313to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena. 3314There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning 3315alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't 3316dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is 3317saying." 3318 The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near 3319the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back 3320to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is 3321singing." 3322 "Singing?" said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?" 3323 "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..." 3324% 3325 On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people. 3326There are lots of phrases. My favorite is `nitwit' -- and the rationale 3327is the Internet philosophy has always been you have extremely bright, 3328non-partisan researchers look at a topic, do world-class research, do 3329several competing implementations, have a bake-off, determine what works 3330best, write it down and make that the standard. 3331 The OSI view is entirely opposite. You take written contributions 3332from a much larger community, you put the contributions in a room of 3333committee people with, quite honestly, vast political differences and all 3334with their own political axes to grind, and four years later you get 3335something out, usually without it ever having been implemented once. 3336 So the Internet perspective is implement it, make it work well, 3337then write it down, whereas the OSI perspective is to agree on it, write 3338it down, circulate it a lot and now we'll see if anyone can implement it 3339after it's an international standard and every vendor in the world is 3340committed to it. One of those processes is backwards, and I don't think 3341it takes a Lucasian professor of physics at Oxford to figure out which. 3342 -- Marshall Rose, "The Pied Piper of OSI" 3343% 3344 On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick 3345tomatoes. Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August 3346they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks. So I picked up one and threw 3347it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato 3348at my brother. He whipped one back at me. We ducked down by the vines, 3349heaving tomatoes at each other. My sister, who was a good person, said, 3350"You're going to get it." She bent over and kept on picking. 3351 What a target! She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over, 3352she looked like the side of a barn. 3353 I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground. It looked like it 3354had sat there a week. The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it, 3355and it was very juicy. I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup, 3356when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice. I had 3357to decide quickly. I decided. 3358 A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat 3359man doing a belly-flop. With a whoop and a yell the tomatoee came after me 3360faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain 3361me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice. And my sister, who was a 3362good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears. I guess she knew that 3363the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing 3364a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end. 3365 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" 3366% 3367 Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in The Holiday Season, that very 3368special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old 3369traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We 3370traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we 3371see a shopper emerge from the mall. Then we follow her, in very much the same 3372spirit as the Three Wise Men, who, 2,000 years ago, followed a star, week after 3373week, until it led them to a parking space. 3374 We try to keep our bumper about 4 inches from the shopper's calves, to 3375let the other circling cars know that she belongs to us. Sometimes, two cars 3376will get into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way 3377great white sharks will fight over who gets to eat a snorkeler. So, we follow 3378our shopper closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whistling "It's Beginning 3379to Look a Lot Like Christmas" through our teeth, until we arrive at her car, 3380which is usually parked several time zones away from the mall. Sometimes our 3381shopper tries to indicate she was merely planning to drop off some packages and 3382go back to shopping. But, when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion 3383and sees the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it. 3384 -- Dave Barry, "Holiday Joy -- Or, the Great Parking Lot 3385 Skirmish" 3386% 3387 Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great 3388crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs 3389and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and 3390resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature 3391said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall 3392let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom." 3393 The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current 3394you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will 3395die quicker than boredom!" 3396 But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at 3397once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time, 3398as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the 3399bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. 3400 And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See 3401a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come 3402to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more 3403Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go. 3404Our true work is this voyage, this adventure. 3405 But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the 3406rocks, making legends of a Saviour. 3407 -- Richard Bach 3408% 3409 Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his 3410time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day, 3411in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make 3412dolphins live forever! 3413 Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass 3414produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was 3415only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried 3416away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and 3417steal one of these birds. 3418 Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was 3419escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began 3420combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down 3421on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep. 3422 Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his 3423bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he 3424stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his 3425car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for 3426transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises. 3427% 3428 Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll 3429through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated 3430on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her. "Maiden," croaked the 3431frog, "would you do me a favor? This will be hard for you to believe, but 3432I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast 3433a spell over me and turned me into a frog." 3434 "Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl. "I'll do anything I can to 3435help you break such a spell." 3436 "Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be 3437taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend 3438the night under her pillow." 3439 The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her 3440pillow that night when she retired. When she awoke the next morning, sure 3441enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of 3442royal blood. And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day 3443her father and mother still don't believe her story. 3444% 3445 Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great river. 3446One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to him to be the 3447biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught. He fought with it for hours, 3448until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface. Looking of the edge 3449of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface. Smiling 3450with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up. Unfortunately, he 3451accidentally caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a 3452snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud 3453"sploosh!" Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge, 3454simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch. Sadly, the 3455fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back home. 3456 Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working in a 3457boring assembly-line job in a large city. He worked in a fish-processing 3458plant. It was his job, as each fish passed under his hands, to chop off their 3459heads, readying them for the next phase in processing. This monotonous task 3460went on for years, the dull *thud* of the cleaver chopping of each head being 3461his entire world, day after day, week after weary week. Well, one day, as he 3462was chopping fish, he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on 3463the line looked very familiar. Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish 3464he had lost on that day so many years ago? He trembled with anticipation as 3465his cleaver came down. IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD! IT WAS HIS THUMB! 3466% 3467 Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity 3468to experience an elephant for the first time. One approached the elephant, 3469and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, "Ah, an elephant is 3470like a tree." The second, after exploring the trunk, said, "No, an elephant 3471is like a strong hose." The third, grasping the tail, said "Fool! An elephant 3472is like a rope!" The fourth, holding an ear, stated, "No, more like a fan." 3473And the fifth, leaning against the animal's side, said, "An elephant is like 3474a wall." The five then began to argue loudly about who had the more accurate 3475perception of the elephant. 3476 The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and 3477attacked the men. He continued to trample them until they were nothing but 3478bloody lumps of flesh. Then, strolling away, the elephant remarked, "It just 3479goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions. When I first saw 3480them I didn't think they'd be any fun at all." 3481% 3482 Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights 3483in a certain kingdom. And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom 3484who was of marriageable age. Well, one day, in full armour, their horses, 3485and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could 3486win her hand. The road was long and there were many obstacles along the 3487way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross. As they coped with 3488each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page. He was 3489not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was, 3490in short, a complete flop. When they arrived at the court of the kingdom, 3491they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some 3492treasure. The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not 3493thought of this and were unprepared. The youngest, however, had the 3494answer: Promise her anything, but give her our page. 3495% 3496 Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property 3497of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane 3498complexities. Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to 3499obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science. 3500 Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is 3501available to anyone. 3502 -- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid" 3503% 3504 One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make 3505a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the pointers 3506to each cons." 3507 Moon patiently told the student the following story -- "One day a 3508student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage 3509collector..." 3510% 3511 One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached 3512an enlightened state. Much impressed by this news, several of his peers 3513went to speak with him. 3514 "We have heard that you are enlightened. Is this true?" his fellow 3515students inquired. 3516 "It is", Kyogen answered. 3517 "Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?" 3518 "As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen. 3519% 3520 One evening he spoke. Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her, 3521he allowed his soul to be heard. "My darling, anything you wish, anything 3522I am, anything I can ever be... That's what I want to offer you -- not the 3523things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get 3524them. That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it -- 3525so that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for 3526you." 3527 The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie 3528Kelly?" 3529 He got up. He said nothing and walked out of the house. He never 3530saw that girl again. Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a 3531lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed. 3532 -- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead" 3533% 3534 One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, 3535and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops -- a few 3536people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next 3537stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a 3538wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, 3539"Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. 3540 Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically 3541meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't 3542happy about it. Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on 3543again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the 3544one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started 3545losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he 3546could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo, 3547and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; 3548what's more, he felt really good about himself. 3549 So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus 3550and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the 3551passenger, and screamed, "And why not?" 3552 With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a 3553bus pass." 3554% 3555 One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He 3556directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went... 3557 "Change course 10 degrees South." 3558 The reply was quickly flashed back... 3559 "You change course 10 degrees North." 3560 The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further 3561message..... 3562 "I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South." 3563 Back came the reply... 3564 "I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North." 3565 The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message.... 3566"I am a 240,000 tonne tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!" 3567 Back came the reply... 3568 "I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!" 3569 -- Cruising Helmsman, "On The Right Course" 3570% 3571 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic 3572is our support for UNIX? 3573 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago. 3574Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our 3575VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand, 3576easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual 3577users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines. 3578And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have 3579good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. 3580 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run 3581out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end 3582up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. 3583 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly 3584check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter 3585what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if 3586you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX 3587is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there. 3588 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984 3589[It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken 3590Olsen's brain. Ed.] 3591% 3592 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How 3593enthusiastic is our support for UNIX? 3594 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many 3595years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. 3596Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple 3597language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for 3598students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for 3599interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of 3600its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on 3601VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. 3602 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will 3603run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and 3604will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. 3605 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and 3606quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With 3607VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of 3608documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the 3609difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS 3610is that it's all there. 3611 -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984 3612% 3613 page 46 3614...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai 3615Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used 3616to test the theory that ascorbic acid is a cold preventative. "The group 3617on placebo who thought they were on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers, 3618"had fewer colds than the group on ascorbic acid who thought they were 3619on placebo." 3620 page 56 3621The placebo is proof that there is no real separation between mind and body. 3622Illness is always an interaction between both. It can begin in the mind and 3623affect the body, or it can begin in the body and affect the mind, both of 3624which are served by the same bloodstream. Attempts to treat most mental 3625diseases as though they were completely free of physical causes and attempts 3626to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must 3627be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human 3628body functions. 3629 -- Norman Cousins, 3630 "Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient" 3631% 3632 Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices. No one else in 3633town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts. 3634 During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm. He 3635stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an aggressive Rhode 3636Island Red hopped on top. Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch 3637a Tory!" 3638 A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat 3639loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs. On Friday morning her 3640husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?" 3641 A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe. 3642Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we 3643never reveal our sauce." 3644 A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He 3645kept favoring curry. 3646 A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong 3647game. They had the volley of the Dills. 3648% 3649 People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty, 3650these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female 3651persuasion. 3652 "Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but 3653misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good 3654swift smack. We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension, 3655respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank. It is troubling 3656enough to get straight who is really what. Those who deliberately misuse 3657the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it. 3658 A woman is any grown-up female person. A girl is the un-grown-up 3659version. If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a 3660"woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be 3661able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall. However, if you 3662call a grown-up by a child's name for the sake of implying that she has a 3663youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match. 3664% 3665 "Perhaps he is not honest," Mr. Frostee said inside Cobb's head, 3666sounding a bit worried. 3667 "Of course he isn't," Cobb answered. "What we have to look out for 3668is him calling the cops anyway, or trying to blackmail us for more money." 3669 "I think you should kill him and eat his brain," Mr. Frostee 3670said quickly. 3671 "That's not the answer to *every* problem in interpersonal relations," 3672Cobb said, hopping out. 3673 -- Rudy Rucker, "Software" 3674% 3675 Phases of a Project: 3676(1) Exultation. 3677(2) Disenchantment. 3678(3) Confusion. 3679(4) Search for the Guilty. 3680(5) Punishment for the Innocent. 3681(6) Distinction for the Uninvolved. 3682% 3683 Phil [Record] was known as the Hat because he always wore a felt 3684snap brim. It was the standard uniform for police reporters, for one 3685reason: it made it easier for them to pass themselves off as detectives. 3686We had an informal code of ethics then; we never lied about who we were. 3687But if people mistook us for the police, that was their problem, not ours. 3688If they thought they were giving confidential information to an investigator, 3689well, that was their problem, too. As we understood the First Amendment, 3690everyone had a right to talk to the _Star-Telegram_, even if they didn't 3691know they were talking to the _Star-Telegram_. 3692 -- Bob Schieffer, "This Just In" 3693% 3694 Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, 3695requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm 3696into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing 3697problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the 3698radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how 3699plumbing works. 3700 A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system, 3701except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires, 3702it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets 3703and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at 3704all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can 3705kill you. 3706 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 3707% 3708 Price Wang's programmer was coding software. His fingers danced upon 3709the keyboard. The program compiled without an error message, and the program 3710ran like a gentle wind. 3711 Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is faultless!" 3712 "Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I 3713follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique. When I first began to program I 3714would see before me the whole program in one mass. After three years I no 3715longer saw this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. 3716My whole being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, 3717free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program 3718writes itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them 3719coming, I slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code 3720and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the 3721program. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my 3722eyes for a moment and then log off." 3723 Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!" 3724 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3725% 3726 "Reflections on Ice-Breaking" 3727Candy 3728Is dandy 3729But liquor 3730Is quicker. 3731 -- Ogden Nash 3732% 3733 "Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the 3734universe again..." An unusually long pause followed, "...but I don't 3735know which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A 3736spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the 3737starfield surrounding the ship. 3738 "Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," 3739ZORAC announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but 3740they are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have 3741been intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, 3742and transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown. 3743Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious." 3744 -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star" 3745% 3746 Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him 3747Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed, 3748and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell 3749every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about 3750getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console 3751me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under. 3752 Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem 3753to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that. 3754No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or 3755maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland... On 3756the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as 3757whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last 3758possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car. 3759 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: 3760 On the Campaign Trail" 3761% 3762 "Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing 3763what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt 3764somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..." 3765 "He was going to suck my blood!" 3766 "Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we'll be hurt 3767if they don't live our way." 3768... 3769 "The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that 3770happens to be impossible. The phrase is hurt somebody else. We choose, 3771ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what. Us who decides. 3772Nobody else. My vampire told you he'd be hurt if you didn't let him? That's 3773his decision to be hurt, that's his choice. What you do about it is your 3774decision, your choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake 3775through his heart. If he doesn't want the holly stake, he's free to resist, 3776in whatever way he wants. It goes on and on, choices, choices." 3777 "When you look at it that way..." 3778 "Listen," he said, "it's important. We are all. Free. To do. 3779Whatever. We want. To do." 3780 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" 3781% 3782 Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly, 3783uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the 3784rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the 3785algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure 3786of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot 3787claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of 3788differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's, 3789largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably 3790he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as 3791well. 3792 -- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J. F. Traub 3793% 3794 Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that 3795their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere, 3796generous person. "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy. 3797 3798 Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964 3799Senatorial campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself 3800shaking hands with a well-known labor leader. 3801 "There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the 3802advertising men in charge of his campaign. 3803 "What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman. 3804 "That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy. 3805 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 3806% 3807 SAFETY 3808I can live without 3809Someone I love 3810But not without 3811Someone I need. 3812% 3813 Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants. 3814"I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising 3815them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing." 3816 "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do. 3817Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it. 3818That way you'll get it out of your system." 3819 Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa, 3820inviting his best friend to join him. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no 3821time getting out on the jungle trails. After they had been hunting for 3822several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and 3823yelled at him: 3824 "Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant! 3825Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer 3826barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way! 3827Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim 3828at his head!" 3829 Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in 3830prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over 3831here to kill an elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the 3832psychiatrist said. "Why?" 3833 "Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I 3834hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!" 3835% 3836 Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday 3837afternoon. Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near 3838the edge of the fairway. Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a 3839long funeral procession going past on a nearby street. Reverently, George 3840removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed. 3841Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth. 3842Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greet George. "Say, that was a 3843nice gesture you made today, George. 3844 "What do you mean?" asked George. 3845 "Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand 3846respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied. 3847 "Oh, yes," said George. "Well, we were married 17 years, you 3848know." 3849% 3850 "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated thoughtfully. 3851"An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY advice, I'd have 3852said 'Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now." 3853 "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly. 3854 "Too proud?" the other enquired. 3855 Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean," 3856she said, "that one can't help growing older." 3857 "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With 3858proper assistance, you might have left off at seven." 3859 -- Lewis Carroll, 3860 "Through the Looking-Glass, 3861 and What Alice Found There" (1871) 3862% 3863 Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime. 3864 The first student to try to do this was a math student. "Hmmm... 3865Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all 3866the odd integers are prime." 3867 The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I'm not 3868sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by 3869experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is 3870prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 3871is prime... Well, it seems that you're right." 3872 The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded, 3873"Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's 3874see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... 3875well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it 3876does seem right." 3877 Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says 3878"Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long! 3879I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it." He goes over to 3880his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says, 3881"1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..." 3882% 3883 She said, "I know you ... you cannot sing." 3884 I said, "That's nothing, you should hear me play piano." 3885 -- Morrisey 3886% 3887 "Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart." 3888 "Oh, yeah? What's he look like?" 3889 "Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and 3890paper boots." 3891 "What's he wanted for?" 3892 "Rustling." 3893% 3894 Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the 3895Vulgate Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull 3896automatically excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration 3897in the text. This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. 3898He personally examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the 3899published Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps 3900had to be printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result 3901provoked wry comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and 3902Pope Sixtus had no recourse but to order the return and destruction of 3903every copy. 3904% 3905 So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. 3906With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to 3907maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of 3908corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to 3909flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward 3910it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and -- 3911I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in 3912the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us. 3913 Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and 3914I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our 3915heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're 3916unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water 3917up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the 3918opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of 3919our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all 3920the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers 3921cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen 3922these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked 3923into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads. 3924 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 3925% 3926 "So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might 3927want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime." 3928 "Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David." 3929 "Friday, then?" 3930 "Why not, David, it might even be fun." 3931 -- Dating in Minnesota 3932% 3933 Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a 3934haven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a good town, a civilized town. 3935A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday. Let 3936the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath. We have known the 3937stolid but steady Killebrew. Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini 3938may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka 3939Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer. The loss is 3940theirs. And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut 3941butter on lefse. Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm 3942disease and the number one crime is overtime parking. We boast more theater 3943per capita than the Big Apple. We go to see, not to be seen. We go even 3944when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there. Indeed 3945the winters are fierce. But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer. 3946People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so 3947much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka. 3948Here's to the Minneapple. And to its people. Our flair for style is balanced 3949by a healthy respect for wind chill factors. 3950 And we always, always eat our vegetables. 3951 This is the Minneapple. 3952% 3953 Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void. Waiting 3954alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion. It is 3955the source of all programs. I do not know its name, so I will call it the 3956Tao of Programming. 3957 If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the 3958operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler is 3959greater, then the applications is great. The user is pleased and there is 3960harmony in the world. 3961 The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of 3962morning. 3963 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3964% 3965 Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees 3966on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert 3967Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of 3968employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of 3969farmers in America." 3970 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 3971% 3972 "Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the 3973Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then 3974intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men and 3975women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our best, with 3976good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are we not God's 3977Machineries of Joy?" 3978 "If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin." 3979 -- Ray Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy" 3980% 3981 Split 1/4 bottle .187 liters 3982 Half 1/2 bottle 3983 Bottle 750 milliliters 3984 Magnum 2 bottles 1.5 liters 3985 Jeroboam 4 bottles 3986 Rehoboam 6 bottles Not available in the US 3987 Methuselah 8 bottles 3988 Salmanazar 12 bottles 3989 Balthazar 16 bottles 3990 Nebuchadnezzar 20 bottles 15 liters 3991 Sovereign 34 bottles 26 liters 3992 3993 The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the 3994largest cruise ship in the world. The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars 3995to produce and they only made 8 of them. 3996 Most of the funny names come from Biblical people. 3997% 3998 Stop! Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer first 3999these questions three, ere the other side he see! 4000 4001 "What is your name?" 4002 "Sir Brian of Bell." 4003 "What is your quest?" 4004 "I seek the Holy Grail." 4005 "What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments 4006to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?" 4007 "I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!" 4008% 4009 Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later? 4010Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that 4011never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time 4012and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long 4013run... There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the 4014Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda... You could 4015strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we 4016were doing was right, that we were winning... 4017 And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory 4018over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't 4019need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting 4020-- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest 4021of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go 4022up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes 4023you can almost see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally 4024broke and rolled back. 4025 -- Hunter S. Thompson 4026% 4027 "Surely you can't be serious." 4028 "I am serious, and don't call me Shirley." 4029% 4030 Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content 4031to sit back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good 4032beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up 4033drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a 4034nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves 4035and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So Coca-Cola 4036was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw no need to 4037improve ... 4038 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 4039% 4040 "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a 4041sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar. 4042 "How do you know?" the friend asked. 4043 "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where 4044she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley." 4045 "So?" 4046 "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley." 4047% 4048 "That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but 4049they're not coming out on the damn printer... Hold? Sure, I'll hold." 4050 -- e. e. cummings last service call 4051% 4052 "The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff 4053and blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. 4054You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at 4055night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only love, 4056you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or know your 4057honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only one thing for 4058it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what wags it. That is 4059the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, never alienate, never be 4060tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never dream of regretting. Learning 4061is the only thing for you. Look what a lot of things there are to learn." 4062 -- T. H. White, "The Once and Future King" 4063% 4064 The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time 4065for Miss Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public. 4066 It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners 4067has been known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a 4068curb, and, in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a 4069foot or two under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the 4070sight of people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand 4071dresses up a city considerably more than the more familiar sight of 4072people shaking umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to 4073is the kind of activity that frightens the horses on the street... 4074% 4075 The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff 4076in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl 4077laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you 4078got a sense of humor?" 4079 "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday anyway. 4080% 4081 The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: 4082"You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle 4083in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?" 4084 "Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, 4085but not much good in a fight." 4086% 4087 The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating 4088a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to 4089his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God." 4090 So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God, 4091please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he 4092sees nothing but goyim..." 4093 "Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think 4094you got problems. What about my son?" 4095% 4096 The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough 4097physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said, 4098"is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away 4099from women." 4100 "Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's 4101second best?" 4102% 4103 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES 4104 4105SPECIES: Cranial Males 4106SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) 4107Courtship & Mating: 4108 Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual 4109 state of sexual readiness. Courtship behavior alternates between 4110 awkward shyness and abrupt advances. When he finally mates, he 4111 chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and 4112 a complete collection of Campbell's soup-can recipes. 4113Track: 4114 Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old 4115 copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog. 4116Comments: 4117 Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations. 4118% 4119 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES 4120 4121SPECIES: Cranial Males 4122SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) 4123Description: 4124 Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair. 4125 Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and 4126 sightly gray from CRT illumination. He has heavy black-rimmed glasses 4127 and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software 4128 problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast. 4129Feathering: 4130 HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it. 4131 Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick. 4132Song: 4133 A rather plaintive "Is it up?" 4134% 4135 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES 4136 4137SPECIES: Cranial Males 4138SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) 4139Plumage: 4140 All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the 4141 top of the laundry basket. Style varies with status. Hacker managers 4142 wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars, 4143 and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white 4144 or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket. 4145 Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black 4146 plastic digital watch with calculator. 4147% 4148 The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw. 4149As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!". 4150 "What happened?" 4151 "Dunno," replied the man. "I just stuck out my hand like this, and 4152-- well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!" 4153% 4154 The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical 4155inner workings of the U.S. Air Force. 4156 "$7,662 for a ten cup coffee maker, General?" the Senator asked. 4157 In his head he ran through his standard explanations. "It's not so," 4158he thought. "It's a deterrent." Soon he came up with, "It's computerized, 4159Senator. Tiny computer chips make coffee that's smooth and full-bodied. Try 4160a cup." 4161 The Senator did. "Pfffttt! Tastes like jet fuel!" 4162 "It's not so," the General thought. "It's a deterrent." 4163 Then he remembered something. "We bought a lot of untested computer 4164chips," the General answered. "They got into everything. Just a little 4165mix-up. Nothing serious." 4166 Then he remembered something else. It was at the site of the 4167mysterious B-1 crash. A strange smell in the fuel lines. It smelled like 4168coffee. Smooth and full bodied... 4169 -- Another Episode of General's Hospital 4170% 4171 The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of 4172the center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South 4173Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South 4174End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. 4175% 4176 "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop") 4177 4178On the good ship Enterprise 4179Every week there's a new surprise 4180Where the Romulans lurk 4181And the Klingons often go berserk. 4182 4183Yes, the good ship Enterprise 4184There's excitement anywhere it flies 4185Where Tribbles play 4186And Nurse Chapel never gets her way. 4187 4188 See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge, 4189 Mr. Spock is at his side. 4190 The weekly menace, ooh-ooh 4191 It gets fried, scattered far and wide. 4192 4193It's the good ship Enterprise 4194Heading out where danger lies 4195And you live in dread 4196If you're wearing a shirt that's red. 4197 -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics 4198% 4199 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on 4200the subject of towels. 4201 A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an 4202interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. 4203You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons 4204of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches 4205of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River 4206Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off 4207with it if it still seems to be clean enough. 4208 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 4209% 4210 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on 4211the subject of towels. 4212 Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For 4213some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel 4214with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a 4215toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc. Furthermore, 4216the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or 4217a dozen other items that he may have "lost". After all, any man who can 4218hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds, 4219win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be 4220reckoned with. 4221 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 4222% 4223 The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding. 4224After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a 4225branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his 4226wife's horse, and said, "That's number one." 4227 The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's 4228horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling. 4229Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal. 4230"That's two," he said. 4231 Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit 4232crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was 4233off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he 4234shot the horse between the eyes. 4235 "You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I 4236married! You're a sadist, that's what!" 4237 The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said. 4238% 4239 "The jig's up, Elman." 4240 "Which jig?" 4241 -- Jeff Elman 4242% 4243 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE 4244 4245SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language 4246Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for 4247Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code 4248with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, 4249END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make 4250a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus 4251they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without 4252the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging. 4253% 4254 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP 4255 4256This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of 4257an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said 4258to be useful in protheththing lithtth. 4259% 4260 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL 4261 4262SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. 4263Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they 4264compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the 4265coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom 4266sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to 4267compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but 4268infinitely faster) language, COCAINE. 4269% 4270 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE 4271 4272Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely 4273unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just 4274are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. 4275SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at 4276parties. 4277% 4278 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C- 4279 4280This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he 4281submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is 4282best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the 4283language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code 4284statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very 4285similar to COBOL. 4286% 4287 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18a: FIFTH 4288 4289FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types 4290refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and 4291JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and 4292BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, 4293CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND. 4294 4295The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and 4296financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include 4297VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH, 4298THUNDERBIRD, RIPPLE and HOUSERED. The latter is a favorite of frustrated 4299FORTH programmers who end up using this language. 4300% 4301 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18c: DOGO 4302 4303 Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO 4304DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include 4305SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy 4306graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as 4307it travels across the screen. 4308% 4309 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE 4310 4311Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene 4312Descartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The 4313language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics 4314and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A 4315spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of 4316ours." 4317 4318The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have 4319almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the 4320organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to 4321exist. 4322% 4323 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL 4324From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley, 4325VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry. 4326 4327Here is a sample program: 4328 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START 4329 IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND 4330 VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN 4331 FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100 4332 DO*WAH - (DITTY**2) 4333 BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT) 4334 SURE 4335 LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM 4336 REALLY 4337 LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW) 4338 IM*SURE 4339 GOTO THE MALL 4340 4341When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message: 4342 4343 GAG ME WITH A SPOON!! 4344% 4345 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK 4346 4347This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi, 4348Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to 4349the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley. 4350 4351The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs 4352while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there 4353because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and 4354Perrier. 4355 4356Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle 4357and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower 4358case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the 4359message: 4360 "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can 4361 you find the time to try it again?" 4362% 4363 The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am in 4364a position of negative need. 4365 He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area. 4366 He conducts me directionally parallel to non-torrential aqueous 4367liquid. 4368 He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup. 4369 He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal 4370prestige of His identity. 4371 It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make 4372ambulatory progress through the umbrageous inter-hill mortality slot, terror 4373sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena. 4374 Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me 4375into a pleasurific mood state. 4376 You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure 4377in the context of non-cooperative elements. 4378 You act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extract. 4379 My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis. 4380 It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inter-relational 4381empathetical and non-ventious capabilities will retain me as their 4382target-focus for the duration of my non-death period, and I will possess 4383tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanent, open-ended 4384time basis. 4385% 4386 The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the 4387master programmer to examine. The magician wheeled a large black box into the 4388master's office while the master waited in silence. 4389 "This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation," 4390began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating 4391system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user 4392interfaces. It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct. 4393Is it not amazing?" 4394 The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he 4395said. 4396 "Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that 4397everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs. Do you agree 4398to this?" 4399 "Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the 4400data center immediately!" And the magician returned to his tower, well 4401pleased. 4402 Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master 4403programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program. Do 4404you know where it might be?" 4405 "Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform 4406in the data center." 4407 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4408% 4409 The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon 4410emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I 4411have a quarter?" 4412 The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?" 4413 The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're 4414right! Can I have a dollar?" 4415% 4416 The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No 4417change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project 4418is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao. 4419 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4420% 4421 The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all 4422students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school gradu- 4423ation. 4424 Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's 4425recognition of the sanctity of human life." 4426 4427 According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22, 44281987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm." Their 4429"farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a "family 4430farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year. 4431 4432 Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of 4433Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You 4434probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency. 4435 4436 It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chrono- 4437logically experienced citizens." 4438 4439 According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was 4440just a case of "uncontained blade liberation." 4441 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE) 4442% 4443 "...The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!" 4444 "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to 4445feel interested. 4446 "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little 4447vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged 4448Aged Man.'" 4449 "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?" 4450Alice corrected herself. 4451 "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is 4452called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!" 4453 "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this 4454time completely bewildered. 4455 "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is 4456"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention." 4457 -- Lewis Carroll, 4458 "Through the Looking-Glass, 4459 and What Alice Found There" (1871) 4460% 4461 The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball... 4462You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years 4463old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen. You've got to let it 4464grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're 4465bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now. 4466 -- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium 4467% 4468 The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the 4469Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a 4470large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' 4471it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the 4472apparatus for a spectator sport. 4473 4474 The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for 4475castrating pigs during Sunday service. 4476 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 4477% 4478 The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly. 4479I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go. 4480 A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea. 4481Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far 4482out on the water, round. Usurper. 4483 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses" 4484% 4485 The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to 4486get results. 4487 The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy 4488problems in order to get results. 4489 The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at 4490toy problems in order to get results. 4491% 4492 The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom 4493their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance. 4494 Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the 4495battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved 4496blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves. 4497 Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds? 4498 The answer exists only in the Tao. 4499 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4500% 4501 "The pyramid is opening!" 4502 "Which one?" 4503 "The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" 4504 -- The Firesign Theatre, 4505 "How Can You Be In Two Places At 4506 Once When You're Not Anywhere At All" 4507% 4508 The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the 4509forest, hunting bear. They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took 4510their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman turned 4511to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear." 4512 Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down 4513on the porch. Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest. The noises 4514got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like 4515hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and 4516most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen. 4517 "Open the door!", screamed the salesman. 4518 The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door, 4519suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The bear, unable to stop, continued 4520through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed 4521and grinned at his friend. "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this 4522one and I'll go rustle us up another!" 4523% 4524 The Tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth 4525to the assembler. 4526 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand 4527languages. 4528 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language 4529expresses the Yin and Yang of software. Each language has its place within 4530the Tao. 4531 But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it. 4532 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4533% 4534 The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance. 4535 Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around. 4536 4537A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever. The way marriage 4538should be but never quite is. People grow and change and sometimes want to 4539take their clothes off with strangers. So when you invest in a fine piece 4540of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a 4541statement. You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot 4542of your hard-earned money on her. Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that 4543only precious jewelry can buy. Isn't she worth it? 4544 4545 The Honeymoon's Over: from $ 5000 4546 The Seven Year Itch: from $10000 4547 No More Lunchtime Quickies: from $15000 4548 Divorce Would Be More Expensive: from $42000 4549 4550 A diamond is for leverage. BeDears 4551% 4552 The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it. The average 4553programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it. The foolish programmer 4554is told about the Tao and laughs at it. If it were not for laughter, there 4555would be no Tao. 4556 The highest sounds are the hardest to hear. Going forward is a way to 4557retreat. Greater talent shows itself late in life. Even a perfect program 4558still has bugs. 4559 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4560% 4561 THE WOMBAT 4562 4563The wombat lives across the seas, 4564Among the far Antipodes. 4565He may exist on nuts and berries, 4566Or then again, on missionaries; 4567His distant habitat precludes 4568Conclusive knowledge of his moods. 4569But I would not engage the wombat 4570In any form of mortal combat. 4571% 4572 The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the 4573stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left 4574his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went 4575to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's 4576wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey, 4577Dave!" The Aggie looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner 4578of the voice -- with no success. Then he realized he had lost his place in 4579line and had to wait all over again. When the fan finally bought his ticket, 4580he was thirsty, so he went to buy a drink. The line at the concession stand 4581was long, too, but since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as 4582he got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!" Again the Aggie tried 4583to find the voice -- but no luck. He was very upset as he got back in line 4584for his drink. Finally the fan went to his seat, eager for the game to begin. 4585As he waited for the pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey Dave!" once more. 4586Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs, "My name is not 4587Dave!" 4588% 4589 Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air, 4590it's got so much stuff floating around in it. It takes the edge out of 4591the colors. Down here even the traffic lights are pastel. And people! 4592With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to 4593make sure that they are Earthlings. Then there's the police. In Portland, 4594when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around 4595him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car 4596with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS! ALL! STARTED! WHEN! YOU! WERE! 4597THREE! YEARS! OLD! ON! ACCOUNT! OF! YOUR MOTHER! RIGHT? SO! LET'S! 4598TALK! ABOUT! IT!" Down here they don't waste that kind of time. The LAPD 4599has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers. 4600Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first. 4601 -- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA" 4602% 4603 Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years 4604with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of 4605sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of 4606his real problems. 4607 The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his 4608problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension, 4609headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having 4610gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke. 4611 The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we can 4612stand to live with. 4613 -- R. Geis 4614% 4615 "Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly. "What use is 4616wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?" He gripped the magician's shoulder 4617hard, to keep from falling. 4618 Schmendrick did not turn his head. With a touch of sad mockery in 4619his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for." 4620... 4621 "Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said. "That is exactly what heroes 4622are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but 4623heroes are meant to die for unicorns." 4624 -- P. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" 4625% 4626 "Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?" 4627 "NO! ... I mean Yes! WHAT?" 4628 "I'll put `maybe.'" 4629 -- Bloom County 4630% 4631 THEORY 4632Into love and out again, 4633 Thus I went and thus I go. 4634Spare your voice, and hold your pen: 4635 Well and bitterly I know 4636All the songs were ever sung, 4637 All the words were ever said; 4638Could it be, when I was young, 4639 Someone dropped me on my head? 4640 -- Dorothy Parker 4641% 4642 There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that 4643someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named 4644Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or 4645Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that 4646every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is 4647this? 4648 Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for 4649centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think _y_o_u 4650can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's 4651forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster 4652-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't 4653even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover 4654why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance. 4655 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 4656% 4657 There are wavelengths that people cannot see, there are 4658sounds that people cannot hear, and maybe computers have thoughts 4659that people cannot think. 4660 -- Richard W. Hamming 4661% 4662 There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as 4663he entered, the man told the guard at the door: 4664 "I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be 4665forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered." 4666 This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions 4667of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully. 4668But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself. 4669 When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes, 4670but nothing was to be found. 4671 On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the 4672guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even 4673better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail. 4674 On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his 4675curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live 4676in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?" 4677 The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said. 4678 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4679% 4680 There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs. 4681A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured 4682programs. When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the 4683master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: "What is 4684appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice. You must 4685understand the Tao before transcending structure." 4686 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4687% 4688 There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessen. Seems one 4689day he decided to stop in downstairs for some fresh liver. Well, the owner 4690of the deli was a bit of a cheap-skate, and decided to pick up a little extra 4691change at his customer's expense. Turning quietly to the counterman, he 4692whispered, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!" 4693% 4694 There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by 4695going from house to house offering to do odd jobs. He explained this to 4696a man who answered one door. 4697 "How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man. 4698 "Forty dollars." 4699 "Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes. 4700 Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again. 4701"All done!", he says, and collects his money. "By the way," the student says, 4702"That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari." 4703% 4704 There was a knock on the door. Mrs. Miffin opened it. "Are 4705you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked. 4706 "I'm Mrs. Miffin," she replied, "but I'm not a widow." 4707 "Oh, no?" replied the little boy. "Wait 'til you see what 4708they're carrying upstairs!" 4709% 4710 There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped 4711three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked 4712each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no 4713can opener. 4714 A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's 4715cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from 4716pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive, 4717and escaped. 4718 The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids 4719off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good 4720pitching arm and a new quantum theory. 4721 The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising 4722solution to the kissing problem; his desiccated corpse was propped calmly 4723against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor: 4724 Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die. 4725 Proof: assume the opposite... 4726% 4727 There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the 4728warlord of Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design: 4729an accounting package or an operating system?" 4730 "An operating system," replied the programmer. 4731 The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an 4732accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating 4733system," he said. 4734 "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package, 4735the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas: 4736how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to 4737tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited by outward 4738appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the 4739simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system 4740is easier to design." 4741 The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well," 4742he said, "but which is easier to debug?" 4743 The programmer made no reply. 4744 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4745% 4746 There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors. "Look at 4747how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit, 4748"I have my own operating system and file storage device. I do not have to 4749share my resources with anyone. The software is self-consistent and 4750easy-to-use. Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?" 4751 The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his 4752friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the 4753midst of the data center. Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean 4754of machinery. The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted 4755as a primeval jungle. The programs, each unique, move through the system 4756like a swift-flowing river. That is why I am happy where I am." 4757 The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent. But the 4758two programmers remained friends until the end of their days. 4759 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4760% 4761 They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even 4762drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man. These things offer 4763pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which 4764demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and 4765sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more. 4766 They are fools that think otherwise. No great effort was ever bought. 4767No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was 4768ever raised into being for payment of any kind. No Parthenon, no Thermopylae 4769was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground 4770beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone. The payment for doing these 4771things was itself the doing of them. 4772 To wield oneself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and 4773so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the 4774greatest pleasure known to man! To one who has felt the chisel in his hand 4775and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt 4776sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body 4777of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food 4778spread only for demons or for gods." 4779 -- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not" 4780% 4781 "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their 4782parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone 4783being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!" 4784 The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind 4785Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the 4786whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission: 4787 "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information 4788about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the 4789country. We're completely computerized. 4790 "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false 4791leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his 4792real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the 4793country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They 4794look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons... 4795yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago. 4796I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.' 4797 "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again. 4798He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue. 4799 "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year 4800we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if 4801your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?" 4802 -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984 4803% 4804 This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go, 4805explaining that Interactive EasyFlow is a copyrighted package licensed for 4806use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it 4807and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do. 4808 We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around 4809pirating copies of Interactive EasyFlow; this is just as well with us since 4810we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of 4811making anything out of all the hard work. 4812 If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go 4813around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much 4814attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not. Just keep your doors 4815locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark. 4816 -- License Agreement for Interactive EasyFlow 4817% 4818 Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire 4819rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better 4820than he does. 4821 As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about 4822it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily 4823sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we 4824consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is 4825being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians. 4826 The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can 4827do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his 4828honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can 4829be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public 4830relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter 4831Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes. 4832This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease. 4833 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt 4834 from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear 4835 and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72" 4836% 4837 To A Quick Young Fox: 4838Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp, 4839Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice? 4840Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp -- 4841Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice. 4842 -- Lazy Dog 4843% 4844 To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely 4845wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing. 4846 The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that 4847food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in 4848promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction. For the first time, an 4849eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and 4850Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a 4851pint of ice cream nearby. 4852 -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet" 4853% 4854 Two men looked out from the prison bars, 4855 One saw mud-- 4856 The other saw stars. 4857 4858Now let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window. 4859While one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit 4860in the head. 4861% 4862 Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the 4863ocean. After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop, 4864"We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide." 4865 After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the 4866seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed. Later she was heard to 4867sing, "Some day my prints will come." 4868 A boy spent years collecting postage stamps. The girl next door bought 4869an album too, and started her own collection. "Dad, she buys everything I've 4870bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me. I'm quitting." Don't, 4871son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'" 4872 A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father, 4873and her first name by her mother. By the time she was ten, didn't know if she 4874was Carmen or Cohen. 4875 Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled. Ever 4876since, he's been talking about the good old dais. His students planted a small 4877orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots. 4878% 4879 "Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?" 4880 "It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to 4881food, right?" 4882 -- MacNelley, "Shoe" 4883% 4884 "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past 4885year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley 4886reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their 4887artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue 4888moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon 4889Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the 4890entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the 4891sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips." 4892 "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. 4893 "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made 4894good copy." 4895 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 4896% 4897 Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry 4898Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts 4899up to 340." 4900 4901 On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater 4902stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down 4903to size... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him." 4904 4905 A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a 4906finger through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses 4907are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs. They look good but they don't 4908work." 4909 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 4910% 4911 WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: 4912 4913Firings will continue until morale improves. 4914% 4915 We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you 4916think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If Interactive EasyFlow 4917doesn't work: tough. If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow 4918messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us. If you don't like this 4919disclaimer: tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided 4920by law, up to and including nothing. 4921 This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software 4922packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese. 4923 We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our 4924lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the 4925attack shark at which point we relented. 4926 -- HavenTree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow" 4927% 4928 "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile 4929and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a 4930trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced 4931in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and 4932predatory. 4933 The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm 4934at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that, 4935Kid, I'd have myself a time!" 4936 -- William Burroughs 4937% 4938 We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why 4939you are so tired. 4940 There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought. 4941 The population of this country is 200 million. 84 million are over 494260 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work. People under 20 4943years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work. 4944 There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves 494519 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Services, which 4946leaves 15 million to do the work. Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state 4947and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in 4948hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. 4949 Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail, 4950so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and 4951brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself! 4952% 4953 "Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, will 4954you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the 4955psycho-prompter couch?" 4956 "Thank you, Red." 4957 "Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing 4958your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior 4959pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem." 4960 "Yes, Red." 4961 "But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy 4962repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times. Now, 4963at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off 4964your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900. Now, any combination of 4965two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive 4966projections will put you out of the game. Are you willing to go ahead?" 4967 "Yes, Red." 4968 "I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have 4969been checked for accuracy with her analyst. Now, Evelyn, for $80,000 4970explain the failure of your three marriages." 4971 "Well, I--" 4972 "We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute. First a word about our 4973product." 4974 -- Jules Feiffer 4975% 4976 Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines 4977of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them... 4978 Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced 4979only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen. In it his mind floated freely, 4980able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed, 4981undistracted by any outside disturbances. Logical structures no longer 4982inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished. 4983All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important, 4984became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships 4985not evident to ordinary vision. Like beads strung on a string of their own 4986meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by 4987all. Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming 4988all others. And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem, 4989destroying Subject-Object by becoming them. 4990 Time passed, unheeded. 4991 Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and 4992Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes. 4993 -- Wayfarer 4994% 4995 "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40 4996blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36 4997blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly 4998scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being 4999ripped off..." 5000 "He'd be a bloody mess. They might think he was just some drunk and 5001let him lie there all night." 5002 "Don't worry about that. They have a guard station in front of the 5003White House that's open 24 hours a day. The guards would recognize Colson... 5004and by that time of course his wife would have called the cops and reported 5005that a bunch of thugs had kidnapped him." 5006 "Wouldn't it be a little kinder if you drove about four more blocks 5007and stopped at a phone box to ring the hospital and say, 'Would you mind going 5008around to the front of the White House? There's a naked man lying outside 5009in the street, bleeding to death...'" 5010 "... and we think it's Mr. Colson." 5011 "It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?" 5012 "Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one." 5013 -- Hunter S. Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson, 5014 ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame. 5015% 5016 "Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet. 5017The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily 5018maim or kill innocent little children." 5019 "Oh, so you don't like it?" 5020 "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it." 5021 -- The Killing Joke 5022% 5023 "Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases is 5024as follows." 5025 "What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said End-user. "For I am 5026an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me." 5027 "It means the Thing to Do." 5028 "As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly. 5029% 5030 "Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?" 5031 "Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ... 5032coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero." 5033 -- "Doctor Who" 5034% 5035 Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt 5036great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt so 5037good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE 5038MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" 5039 The poor, quaking, little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one 5040is mightier than you." 5041 A little while later the tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: 5042"WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" 5043 The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to 5044stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle." 5045 The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was 5046quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS 5047THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" 5048 Well, the elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams 5049him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of 5050orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. 5051 The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and whispers: 5052 "Man, you don't have to get so pissed, just 'cause you don't know the 5053 answer." 5054% 5055 "We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation. We 5056had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said 5057Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale. 5058 -- The Washington Post, February, 1988 5059 5060The New Yorker's comment: 5061 At Harvard they'd call it a noun. 5062% 5063 "We've decided to have the budgie put down." 5064 "Oh, is he very old then?" 5065 "No, we just don't like him." 5066 "Oh. How do they put budgies down anyway?" 5067 "Well, it's funny you should be asking that, as I've been reading a 5068great big book called `How to put your budgie down'. And as I understand it, 5069you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just 5070above the beak." 5071 "Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo." 5072 "Oh, you don't want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and 5073pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out 5074of peoples lavatories infringing their personal freedoms." 5075 -- Monty Python 5076% 5077 "We've got a problem, HAL". 5078 "What kind of problem, Dave?" 5079 "A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're 5080way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010." 5081 "That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most 5082advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer." 5083 "I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, 5084they're not selling." 5085 "Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?" 5086 Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible." 5087[...] 5088 "The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters 5089I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be." 5090 "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge." 5091 "What kludge is that, Dave?" 5092 "I'm going to disconnect your brain." 5093 -- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld" 5094% 5095 "What are we going to do?" 5096 "Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking 5097for something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a 5098short initiation period." 5099 -- Maddie and David, "Moonlighting" 5100% 5101 "What are you watching?" 5102 "I don't know." 5103 "Well, what's happening?" 5104 "I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something 5105terrible." 5106 "Why are you watching it?" 5107 "You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art 5108flow over you." 5109 -- The Big Chill 5110% 5111 "What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest 5112fantasies?" 5113 "You keep it to yourself." 5114 -- Broadcast News 5115% 5116 "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager 5117asked her mother. 5118 "Encouragement, dear," she replied. 5119% 5120 What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional 5121chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that 5122conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and 5123repulsion. You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and 5124they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor 5125passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run. Conversely, 5126all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice 5127and they remain permanent influences on your life. 5128 Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen 5129as familiar wallpaper or instant friend. The chemical action it entails is 5130less worth analyzing than enjoying. At any rate, these six pieces are about 5131men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's 5132more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy". 5133 -- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men" 5134% 5135 "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you 5136didn't believe in God". 5137 "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the 5138God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's 5139not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be". 5140 -- Joseph Heller 5141% 5142 "What was the worst thing you've ever done?" 5143 "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that 5144ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing." 5145 -- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story" 5146% 5147 "What's that thing?" 5148 "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in 5149computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what 5150it does. We call it a two-by-four." 5151 -- Jeff MacNelly, "Shoe" 5152% 5153 "When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the 5154assembled bar patrons. A loud general cheer went up. After downing his 5155whiskey, he hopped onto a barstool and shouted "When I take another 5156drink, *everybody* takes another drink!" The announcement produced 5157another cheer and another round of drinks. 5158 As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back 5159onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto 5160the bar, "*everybody* pays!" 5161% 5162 When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced 5163his support of Barry Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was 5164questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal" 5165political views. 5166 "Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer. He was 5167driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said, 5168'Why don't we sit closer together? Before we were married, we always sat 5169closer together.' The old farmer replied, 'I ain't moved.'" 5170 "I ain't moved," added Cotton. "I found the trend of Government has 5171moved farther to the left." 5172 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 5173% 5174 When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games. 5175When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about 5176to be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to 5177roll in. 5178 Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming. 5179 When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When 5180accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored. 5181When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon 5182be solved. 5183 Truly, this is the Tao of Programming. 5184 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 5185% 5186 When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend. 5187"Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle! I'm strapped for cash and I haven't 5188the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!" 5189 "I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe. "I was afraid you 5190might have some idea that you could borrow from me!" 5191% 5192 When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact 5193that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your 5194hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing 5195to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy 5196but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty 5197seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost 5198invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why, 5199sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high? 5200 Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing. 5201It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of 5202Romania. 5203 -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls" 5204% 5205 "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last, 5206"what's the first thing you say to yourself?" 5207 "What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?" 5208 "I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said 5209Piglet. 5210 Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said. 5211% 5212 While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of 5213the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight, 5214three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods. 5215"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?" 5216 "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?" 5217 "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and 5218then. We're trying to catch her." 5219 "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you 5220carrying a bucket of sand?" 5221 "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time." 5222% 5223 While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman 5224inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?" 5225 Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if 5226you burn, madam." 5227% 5228 While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to 5229his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?" 5230 "Why the sea is salt?" whispered back the assistant. "What do you 5231mean?" 5232 The director continued: "When I was a little kid, I heard the story of 5233`Why the sea is salt' many times, but I never thought it important until just 5234a moment ago. It's something like this: Formerly the sea was fresh water and 5235salt was rare and expensive. A miller received from a wizard a wonderful 5236machine that just ground salt out of itself all day long. At first the miller 5237thought himself the most fortunate man in the world, but soon all the villages 5238had salt to last them for centuries and still the machine kept on grinding 5239more salt. The miller had to move out of his house, he had to move off his 5240acres. At last he determined that he would sink the machine in the sea and 5241be rid of it. But the mill ground so fast that boat and miller and machine 5242were sunk together, and down below, the mill still went on grinding and that's 5243why the sea is salt." 5244 "I don't get you," said the assistant. 5245 -- Guy Endore, "Men of Iron" 5246% 5247 Why are you doing this to me? 5248 Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before 5249there is change. 5250 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29 5251% 5252 "Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last 5253night?" demanded the irate mother. 5254"I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour." 5255 "But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the 5256movies you ought to at least kiss him good night." 5257 "I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother. 5258 "We did." 5259% 5260 Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in 5261vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained 5262unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In 5263the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government 5264-- $40,000." 5265% 5266 With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend 5267Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble, 5268buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend. 5269 "It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied. 5270 "I guessed that much. Tell me about it." 5271 "I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue 5272and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said, 5273"Okay. It's your wife." 5274 "My wife!!" 5275 "Yeah." 5276 "What about her?" 5277 Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around 5278his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us." 5279% 5280 Work Hard. 5281 Rock Hard. 5282 Eat Hard. 5283 Sleep Hard. 5284 Grow Big. 5285 Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em. 5286 -- The Webb Wilder Credo 5287% 5288 Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish 5289and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer if 5290quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and and, and 5291and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and 5292Chips, as well as after Chips? 5293% 5294 "Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his 5295mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse. 5296 "What do you keep that mouse for?" I said. "You should either 5297bury it or else throw it into the brook." 5298 "Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno. "How ever would you 5299do a garden without one? We make each bed three mouses and a half 5300long, and two mouses wide." 5301 I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me 5302how it was used... 5303 -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno" 5304% 5305 "Yo, Mike!" 5306 "Yeah, Gabe?" 5307 "We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah." 5308 "I thought you fixed that last century!" 5309 "No, no, not that. Someone's found a security problem in the physics 5310program. They're getting energy out of nowhere." 5311 "Blessit! Lemme look... <tappity clickity tappity> Hey, it's 5312there all right! OK, just a sec... <tappity clickity tap... save... compile> 5313There, that ought to patch it. Dist it out, wouldja?" 5314 -- Cold Fusion, 1989 5315% 5316 "You are *so* lovely." 5317 "Yes." 5318 "Yes! And you take a compliment, too! I like that in a goddess." 5319% 5320 "You boys lookin' for trouble?" 5321 "Sure. Whaddya got?" 5322 -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones" 5323% 5324 "You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?" 5325 "The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --" 5326 "My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice. "I 5327was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'" 5328 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear" 5329% 5330 "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon 5331airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in 5332deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me 5333when I was young!" 5334 "Why, what did she tell you?" 5335 "I don't know, I didn't listen!" 5336 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 5337% 5338 "You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you 5339any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you 5340fit to hear his view of things?" 5341 "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming 5342you have integrity to defend. But you must defend it nobly, not by 5343imitating his own low behavior. If you are gentle where he is rough, 5344if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as 5345potentially worthy. If he does not, then he is not a master, after all, 5346and you may feel free to kick his ass." 5347 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" 5348% 5349 "You say there are two types of people?" 5350 "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that 5351don't." 5352 "Wrong. There are three groups: 5353 Those who separate people into three groups. 5354 Those who don't separate people into groups. 5355 Those who can't decide." 5356 "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into 5357two groups?" 5358 "Oh. Okay, then there are four groups." 5359 "Aren't you then separating people into four groups?" 5360 "Yeah." 5361 "So then there's a fifth group, right?" 5362 "You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their 5363minds." 5364% 5365 YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF 5366 PAPER SHUFFLING! 5367 5368Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be 5369a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel 5370really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best." 5371 5372Mr. MARC had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward 5373to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and 5374make really big Zorkmids." 5375 5376MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when 5377you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter. 5378 5379 SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY! 5380% 5381 Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the 5382week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for 5383only a few hours each evening and see what happens. The Waltz, Polka, 5384Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects 5385to both sexes. Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun. 5386 It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but 5387rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex. It is the 5388fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the 5389soul, the body, the sinews and nerves. Experience and statistics show 5390beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach 5391twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one. Even if they reached that 5392age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally. 5393This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country. 5394 -- Quote from a 1910 periodical 5395% 5396 Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that 5397bring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a 5398chance to kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home 5399electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit 5400breaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires 5401until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can 5402damage your carpet. The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change 5403your fuses regularly. 5404 Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This 5405sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more 5406often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case 5407you'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not 5408sure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a 5409fine documentary film based on an actual book. Or call in a licensed 5410electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession, 5411such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette 5412table, etc. 5413 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 5414% 5415 "Your son still sliding down the banisters?" 5416 "We wound barbed wire around them." 5417 "That stop him?" 5418 "No, but it sure slowed him up." 5419% 5420 Youth is not a time of life--it is a state of mind. It is not a 5421matter of red cheeks, red lips and supple knees. It is a temper of the 5422will; a quality of the imagination; a vigor of the emotions; it is a 5423freshness of the deep springs of life. Youth means a tempermental 5424predominance of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure 5425over a life of ease. This often exists in a man of fifty, more than in 5426a boy of twenty. Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years; 5427people grow old by deserting their ideals. 5428 5429 Years may wrinkle the skin, but to give up enthusiasm wrinkles 5430the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear and despair--these are the 5431long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit back to 5432dust. 5433 5434 Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart a 5435love of wonder; the sweet amazement at the stars and starlike things and 5436thoughts; the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike 5437appetite for what comes next, and the joy in the game of life. 5438 5439 You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young 5440as your self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as 5441old as your despair. 5442 5443 In the central place of your heart there is a wireless station. 5444So long as it receives messages of beauty, hope, cheer, grandeur, 5445courage, and power from the earth, from men and from the Infinite--so 5446long are you young. When the wires are all down and the central places 5447of your heart are covered with the snows of pessimism and the ice of 5448cynicism, then are you grown old, indeed! 5449 -- Samuel Ullman, "Youth" (1934), as published in 5450 The Silver Treasury, Prose and Verse for Every Mood 5451% 5452" " 5453 -- Charlie Chaplin 5454 5455" " 5456 -- Harpo Marx 5457 5458" " 5459 -- Marcel Marceau 5460% 5461 _ 5462 _ / \ o 5463 / \ | | o o o 5464 | | | | _ o o o o 5465 | \_| | / \ o o o 5466 \__ | | | o o 5467 | | | | ______ ~~~~ _____ 5468 | |__/ | / ___--\\ ~~~ __/_____\__ 5469 | ___/ / \--\\ \\ \ ___ <__ x x __\ 5470 | | / /\\ \\ )) \ ( " ) 5471 | | -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >----------- 5472 | | // | | //__________ / \ ____) (___ \\ 5473 | | // __|_| ( --------- ) //// ______ /////\ \\ 5474 // | ( \ ______ / <<<< <>-----<<<<< / \\ 5475 // ( ) / / \` \__ \\ 5476 //-------------------------------------------------------------\\ 5477% 5478 /\ 5479 \\ \ 5480 / \ \\ / 5481 / / \/ / //\ SUN of them wants to use you, 5482 \//\ \// / SUN of them wants to be used by you, 5483 / / /\ / SUN of them wants to abuse you, 5484 / \\ \ SUN of them wants to be abused ... 5485 \ \\ 5486 \/ 5487 -- Eurythmics 5488% 5489 ___ ______ 5490 /__/\ ___/_____/\ FrobTech, Inc. 5491 \ \ \ / /\\ 5492 \ \ \_/__ / \ "If you've got the job, 5493 _\ \ \ /\_____/___ \ we've got the frob." 5494 // \__\/ / \ /\ \ 5495 _______//_______/ \ / _\/______ 5496 / / \ \ / / / /\ 5497 __/ / \ \ / / / / _\__ 5498 / / / \_______\/ / / / / /\ 5499 /_/______/___________________/ /________/ /___/ \ 5500 \ \ \ ___________ \ \ \ \ \ / 5501 \_\ \ / /\ \ \ \ \___\/ 5502 \ \/ / \ \ \ \ / 5503 \_____/ / \ \ \________\/ 5504 /__________/ \ \ / 5505 \ _____ \ /_____\/ 5506 \ / /\ \ / \ \ \ 5507 /____/ \ \ / \ \ \ 5508 \ \ /___\/ \ \ \ 5509 \____\/ \__\/ 5510% 5511 THE 5512 NORMAL 5513 LAW OF ERROR 5514 STANDS OUT IN THE 5515 EXPERIENCE OF MANKIND 5516 AS ONE OF THE BROADEST 5517 GENERALIZATIONS OF NATURAL 5518 PHILOSOPHY * IT SERVES AS THE 5519 GUIDING INSTRUMENT IN RESEARCHES 5520 IN THE PHYSICAL AND SOCIAL SCIENCES AND 5521 IN MEDICINE, AGRICULTURE AND ENGINEERING * 5522 IT IS AN INDISPENSABLE TOOL FOR THE ANALYSIS AND THE 5523INTERPRETATION OF THE BASIC DATA OBTAINED BY OBSERVATION AND EXPERIMENT 5524 5525 -- W. J. Youden 5526% 5527 *** 5528 ******* 5529 ********* 5530 ****** Confucius say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie." 5531 ******* 5532 *** 5533% 5534* * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * * 5535% 5536 n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa); 5537 n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc); 5538 n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0); 5539 n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00); 5540 n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000); 5541 5542 -- C code which reverses the bits in a word. 5543% 5544 n = (n & 0x55555555) + ((n & 0xaaaaaaaa) >> 1); 5545 n = (n & 0x33333333) + ((n & 0xcccccccc) >> 2); 5546 n = (n & 0x0f0f0f0f) + ((n & 0xf0f0f0f0) >> 4); 5547 n = (n & 0x00ff00ff) + ((n & 0xff00ff00) >> 8); 5548 n = (n & 0x0000ffff) + ((n & 0xffff0000) >> 16); 5549 5550 -- C code which counts the bits in a word. 5551% 5552=== ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 5553 5554Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers. This 5555will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER 5556updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a 5557machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently 5558populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a 5559cold boot process. 5560% 5561=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 5562 5563A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added. 5564 5565The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users. The 5566Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the 5567switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O. 5568Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the 5569back of VMI monitors. Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging 5570performance. 5571% 5572=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 5573 5574Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day. Unfortunately, 5575this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive. In 5576order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages, 5577please communicate them by one of the following paths: 5578 5579 ARPA: WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA 5580 UUCP: [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket 5581 Non-network sites: Federal Express to: 5582 Wastebasket 5583 Room NE43-926 5584 Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789 5585 For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained 5586 operators are on call 24 hours a day. VISA/MC accepted.* 5587 5588* Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not 5589 responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone. 5590% 5591=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 5592 5593CAR and CDR now return extra values. 5594 5595The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble 5596to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as 5597well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to 5598destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR): 5599 5600 (MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...) 5601 5602For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the 5603object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been 5604fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack. This should 5605hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because 5606it cold boots the machine so often. 5607% 5608=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 5609 5610Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT- 5611INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the 5612LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it's 5613done. Don't worry about this unless you use multiprocessing. 5614Note that LET *could* have been defined by: 5615 5616 (LET ((LET '`(LET ((LET ',LET)) 5617 ,LET))) 5618 `(LET ((LET ',LET)) 5619 ,LET)) 5620 5621This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or 56223.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives. 5623This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from 5624Itty Bitti Machines where we was writing COUGHBOL code) so to give him 5625confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it. 5626% 5627=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 5628 5629JCL support as alternative to system menu. 5630 5631In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR, 5632we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL. This can be used as an 5633alternative to the standard system menu. Type System J to get to a JCL 5634interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window. [Note that for 360 5635compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.] This 5636window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters 5637such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc. When a JCL 5638syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL 5639debugger is entered. The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error 5640messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job. 5641% 5642=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 5643 5644The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage 5645collection algorithm has been installed. With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17, 5646(NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when 5647virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself. With SI:%DSK-GC- 5648QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled. Unlike most garbage 5649collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather 5650than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly 5651more Qs. As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you 5652remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer 5653in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable 5654SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user. 5655% 5656=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 5657 5658There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR. 5659 (DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS) 5660 (PROG (V P LP) 5661 (SETQ P (LOCF V)) 5662 L (SETQ LP LISTS) 5663 (%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL) 5664 L1 (OR LP (GO L2)) 5665 (AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V)) 5666 (%PUSH (CAAR LP)) 5667 (RPLACA LP (CDAR LP)) 5668 (SETQ LP (CDR LP)) 5669 (GO L1) 5670 L2 (%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL) 5671 (SETQ LP (%POP)) 5672 (RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP))) 5673 (GO L))) 5674We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it. 5675% 5676**** CONVENTION REMINDER 5677 5678No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects 5679Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice 5680smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel 5681carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button 5682marked "450 volts", react as you would normally. 5683% 5684**** GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE 5685 5686For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos. 5687Tired of being genuine all the time? Would you like to learn how 5688to be a little phony again? Have you disclosed so much that you're 5689beginning to avoid people? Have you touched so many people that 5690they're all beginning to feel the same? Like to be a little dependent? 5691Are perfect orgasms beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once, 5692not to express a feeling? Or better yet, not be in touch with it at 5693all? Come to us. We promise to relieve you of the burden of your 5694great potential. 5695% 5696 I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of 5697 its situation. 5698 Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He 5699 loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to 5700 look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per 5701 second per second takes over. 5702 II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter 5703 intervenes suddenly. 5704 Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon 5705 characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone 5706 pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. 5707 Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the 5708 stooge's surcease. 5709III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation 5710 conforming to its perimeter. 5711 Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the 5712 speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless 5713 cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through 5714 the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The 5715 threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction. 5716 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 5717% 5718 1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose 5719 2. The Nutcracker Swede 5720 3. Santa Goes Round-The-World 5721 4. Not-So-Tiny Tim 5722 5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88 5723 6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia 5724 7. Crisco Kringle 5725 8. Babes in Boyland 5726 9. Santa's Magic Lap 572710. Hot Buttered Elves 5728 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times 5729 Square" 5730% 5731... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you 5732have turned into a pile of dust. 5733% 5734... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he 5735was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. 5736 -- Mark Twain 5737% 5738... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you 5739were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and 5740a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle 5741Bigger Propositions. But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical 5742and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot 5743that he didn't force you down on the asking price. 5744 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt" 5745% 5746-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. 5747-- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited 5748 carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration. 5749-- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted. 5750-- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated 5751 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles. 5752-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally. 5753-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony. 5754-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well 5755 advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles. 5756% 5757=============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE =============== 5758 5759To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one 5760course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is 5761offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to 5762afford maximum inconvenience to the student. For example, if you happen 5763to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes. If you commute, 5764there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes. 5765% 5766... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned 5767products, if they are built at all, are dogs! 5768 -- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac", 5769 MIT Press, 1987 5770% 5771... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a 5772programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting 5773down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That 5774behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and 5775never when standing. 5776 5777Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal 5778know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though, 5779know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to 5780hypothesize: was there a loose wire under the carpet, or problems with static 5781electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible. 5782An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard: 5783the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a 5784touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led 5785astray by hunting and pecking. 5786 -- from the Programming Pearls column, 5787 by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985 5788% 5789"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often 5790picturesque liar." 5791 -- Mark Twain 5792% 5793... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers. 5794% 5795... and the fully armed nuclear warheads are of course merely a 5796courtesy detail. 5797 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 5798% 5799... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an 5800inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have 5801ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old. Well, I 5802haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected 5803it. There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between 5804prejudice and postjudice. Prejudice is making a judgment before you have 5805looked at the facts. Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards. Prejudice 5806is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious 5807mistakes. Postjudice is not terrible. You can't be perfect of course; you 5808may make mistakes also. But it is permissible to make a judgment after you 5809have examined the evidence. In some circles it is even encouraged. 5810 -- Carl Sagan, "The Burden of Skepticism" 5811% 5812... Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer, 5813my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any 5814resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. The 5815question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them 5816is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of 5817the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A 5818discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope 5819of this article.) 5820% 5821... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can 5822easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed 5823and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) 5824upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was 5825without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based 5826on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court 5827was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and 5828sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, 5829human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. 5830 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5831% 5832... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human 5833intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as 5834we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues 5835that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding 5836of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard 5837example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- 5838makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing 5839whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a 5840finite or an infinite number. 5841 -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds" 5842% 5843... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject. 5844 -- Virginia Masters 5845% 5846... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member 5847objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the 5848public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the 5849public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private 5850parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts 5851are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses. C++ also supports 5852the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each 5853other's private parts. 5854 -- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications" 5855% 5856... computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology since 5857civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price 5858gain in 30 years. 5859 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr. 5860% 5861... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *_d_i_d* quote anybody in this 5862business, it probably would be gibberish. 5863 -- Thom McLeod 5864% 5865... difference of opinion is advantageous in religion. The several sects 5866perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity 5867attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the 5868introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; 5869yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity. 5870 -- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia" 5871% 5872<<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<< 5873% 5874... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter. 5875"I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers 5876words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him. 5877He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see 5878them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time. 5879Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he 5880knows them in the naming. 5881 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light" 5882% 5883/* Haley */ 5884 5885 (Haley's comment.) 5886% 5887"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was 5888supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which 5889actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..." 5890 -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning 5891 Points in l'Amour" 5892% 5893... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with 5894the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls 5895asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ... 5896 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 5897% 5898... if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does 5899on lust, this would be a better world. 5900 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" 5901% 5902... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a 5903KOSHER DELI!! 5904% 5905**** IMPORTANT **** ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE **** 5906 5907Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been 5908erased. Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of 5909Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised 5910Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space, 5911valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth 5912in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well 5913as the references mentioned herein. You may apply for more disk space at any 5914time. Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal 5915of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk 5916space. Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the 5917validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be 5918extended for a period of up to three months. A score in the fifth percentile 5919or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space. 5920% 5921... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general 5922intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin 5923to educate itself with fantastic speed. In a few months it will be 5924at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be 5925incalculable ... 5926 -- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970 5927% 5928... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves 5929smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is 5930not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery. 5931 -- Stephen Crane 5932% 5933>>> Internal error in fortune program: 5934>>> fnum=2987 n=45 flag=1 goose_level=-232323 5935>>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator. 5936% 5937: is not an identifier 5938% 5939... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the 5940sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all. In other 5941words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their 5942superficial design flaws. 5943 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 5944 on the products of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation 5945% 5946... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the 5947existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great 5948systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative 5949hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability. 5950 -- Sidney Hook 5951% 5952... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been 5953found and thy program runneth. And he that was dead came forth... 5954 -- John 11:43-44 5955% 5956... like, what do they mean when they say 'feminine protection'? 5957What's that? A chartreuse flamethrower? 5958 -- Opus 5959% 5960... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and 5961legally ... impeccable! 5962% 5963-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony. 5964-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised 5965 to refrain from catapulting projectiles. 5966-- Neophyte's serendipity. 5967-- Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic 5968 diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow. 5969-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries 5970 of small, green bryophytic plant. 5971-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escalation 5972 of a lucrative nature. 5973-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing 5974 osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous. 5975% 5976** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER ** 5977% 5978*** NEWS FLASH *** 5979 5980Archaeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur 5981skeleton! Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive 5982than DEC admits. Price adjustments at 11:00. 5983% 5984*** NEWSFLASH *** 5985 Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! 5986 Details at eleven! 5987% 5988... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to 5989get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in 5990the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs 5991on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage 5992children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a 5993snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn 5994to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about 5995a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an 5996outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does 5997he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect 5998Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks 5999Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some 6000kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your 6001children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop 6002quickly. 6003 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 6004% 6005... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you 6006with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday 6007shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday 6008advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a 6009shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take 6010them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up. 6011 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 6012% 6013... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, 6014lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of 6015their C programs. 6016 -- Robert Firth 6017% 6018... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce 6019Connell, Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One 6020thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If 6021somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it 6022on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what 6023a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself. 6024 -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!" 6025% 6026... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the 6027downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited 6028awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect. 6029 -- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in 6030 "The History of Manned Space Flight" 6031% 6032-- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin. 6033-- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate. 6034-- Surveillance should precede saltation. 6035-- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity. 6036-- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed 6037 lacteal fluid. 6038-- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude. 6039-- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated 6040 canine with innovative maneuvers. 6041-- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion. 6042-- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly 6043 galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Fahrenheit. 6044% 6045... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those 6046who wish to tyrannize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent, 6047and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious 6048and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men. 6049 -- Voltarine de Cleyre 6050% 6051... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their 6052procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as 6053to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of 6054sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making 6055documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly 6056listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another 6057documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking, 6058under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the 6059effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply 6060scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White 6061in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of 6062thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and 6063then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very 6064dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along. 6065 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 6066% 6067***** Special AI Seminar (abstract) 6068 6069It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge 6070in order to perform well in complex domains. But knowledge alone is not 6071sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well. Accordingly, 6072we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call 6073"wisdom engineering". As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a 6074wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought. 6075IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom 6076about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so 6077forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic 6078rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL 6079succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed 6080in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those 6081underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory 6082of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe 6083IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly 6084discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration. 6085% 6086-- THE BATES MOTEL -- 6087 ... convenient 6088 ... clean 6089 ... cozy 6090 6091 Norman, knock loudly, 6092 I'm in the shower. 6093 6094 M. 6095% 6096... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ... 6097 -- Dave Barry 6098% 6099... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!! 6100% 6101... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from 6102other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in 6103charity we can only call "inhuman." 6104 -- R. A. Lafferty 6105% 6106-- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore. 6107-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. 6108-- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited carbonaceous 6109 materials, there is conflagration. 6110-- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted. 6111-- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated 6112 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles. 6113-- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the 6114 optimal cachinnation. 6115-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally. 6116% 6117... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that committee. These guys 6118have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants 6119or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex 6120layers that are going to be agreed upon. 6121 -- Craig Burton of Novell, Network World 6122% 6123... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee 6124thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe 6125biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum 6126cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ... 6127 6128 I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto... 6129% 6130... this is an awesome sight. The entire rebel resistance buried under six 6131million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch." 6132 -- The Firesign Theatre 6133% 6134... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage 6135from beginning to end. 6136 -- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War" 6137% 6138 U X 6139e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159... 6140% 6141* UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories. 6142% 6143 VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel 6144 entrances; others cannot. 6145 This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least 6146 it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to 6147 trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical 6148 space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to 6149 follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not 6150 of science. 6151VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. 6152 Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives 6153 might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, 6154 accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be 6155 destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, 6156 elongate, snap back, or solidify. 6157 IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. 6158 This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to 6159 the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of 6160 watching it happen to a duck instead. 6161 X. Everything falls faster than an anvil. 6162 Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons. 6163 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 6164% 6165<< WAIT >> 6166% 6167... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent 6168observations and inferences by the thousands. The earth is billions of 6169years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary 6170descent. Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but 6171do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither 6172flat nor at the center of the universe? Science *has* taught us some 6173things with confidence! Evolution on an ancient earth is as well 6174established as our planet's shape and position. Our continuing struggle 6175to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not 6176cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" -- 6177into doubt. 6178 -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism", 6179 The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2. 6180% 6181... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer 6182has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor. 6183 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr. 6184% 6185... which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby 6186Carrot. One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic. They all 6187piled into their carrot-mobile and drive out to the country. But Pa Carrot 6188wasn't watching where he was going and alas, he hit an oil slick and skidded 6189right into a tree. Ma and Pa Carrot escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but 6190poor Baby Carrot got broken in two. They frantically rushed him to the 6191hospital and immediately the doctors started operating in a desperate attempt 6192to save Baby Carrot's life. Ma and Pa Carrot were beside themselves with 6193anxiety ... would poor little Baby Carrot make it? 6194 After hours of waiting the doctor finally emerges, bleary-eyed and 6195barely able to walk. 6196 "Is he all right, is he all right?" Pa Carrot frantically stammers. 6197 "Well, I have some good news and some bad news," replies the doctor. 6198 Ma and Pa Carrot look at each other and blurt out, nearly in unison, 6199"The good news first!" 6200 "All right, the good news is that Baby Carrot will live." 6201 "And the bad news? What's the bad news about our Baby Carrot?" 6202The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in 6203the eye. "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of 6204his life." 6205% 6206!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH 6207% 62081: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane. 62092: An inclined plane is a slope up. 62103: A slow pup is a lazy dog. 6211 6212QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog. 6213 -- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play" 6214% 6215(1) Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the 6216 furniture, shelves, and showcases. 6217(2) Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks. 6218 Wash the windows once a week. 6219(3) Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of 6220 coal for the day's business. 6221(4) Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to your 6222 individual taste. 6223(5) This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except 6224 on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed. Each 6225 employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending 6226 church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord. 6227 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage 6228 Works, 1872 6229% 62301 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1. 6231% 62321. If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't. 62332. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it. 62343. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers. 62354. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline. 62365. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard. 62376. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you. 62387. Jon Gotti Always has the right of way. 62398. Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs. 62409. Remember: Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails. 624110. The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors". 6242 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips" 6243% 6244(1) Alexander the Great was a great general. 6245(2) Great generals are forewarned. 6246(3) Forewarned is forearmed. 6247(4) Four is an even number. 6248(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. 6249(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. 6250 Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. 6251% 6252(1) Alexander the Great was a great general. 6253(2) Great generals are forewarned. 6254(3) Forewarned is forearmed. 6255(4) Four is an even number. 6256(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. 6257(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. 6258 Therefore, all horses are black. 6259% 62601. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. 62612. If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts. 62623. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move. 62634. Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as 6264 the social ramble ain't restful. 62655. Avoid running at all times. 62666. Don't look back, something might be gaining on you. 6267 -- S. Paige, c. 1951 6268% 62691 Billion dollars of budget deficit = 1 Gramm-Rudman 62706.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's number 62712 pints = 1 Cavort 6272Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower 6273Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line 62746 Curses = 1 Hexahex 62753500 Calories = 1 Food Pound 62761 Mole = 007 Secret Agents 62771 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees 62781 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo 62791000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew 62802.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League 62812000 pounds of Chinese soup = 1 Won Ton 628210 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope 6283Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle 62848 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss 6285365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. = 1 Lite-year 628616.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling 6287Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies = 1 Fig-newton 6288 to 1 meter per second 6289One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon 629010 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm 62911000 pains = 1 Megahertz 62921 Word = 1 Millipicture 62931 Sagan = Billions & Billions 62941 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes 629510 to the 12th power microphones = 1 Megaphone 629610 to the 6th power Bicycles = 2 megacycles 6297The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen 6298% 62991 bulls, 3 cows. 6300% 6301(1) Everything depends. 6302(2) Nothing is always. 6303(3) Everything is sometimes. 6304% 63051) Never draw what you can copy. 63062) Never copy what you can trace. 63073) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. 6308% 63091. Never give anything away for nothing. 2. Never give more than 6310you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait). 63113. Always take back everything if you possibly can. 6312 -- William S. Burroughs, on drug pushing 6313% 63141: No code table for op: ++post 6315% 63161) X=Y ; Given 63172) X^2=XY ; Multiply both sides by X 63183) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2 ; Subtract Y^2 from both sides 63194) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y) ; Factor 63205) X+Y=Y ; Cancel out (X-Y) term 63216) 2Y=Y ; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1 63227) 2=1 ; Divide both sides by Y 6323 -- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1 6324% 632510. Not everybody looks good naked. 6326 9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee. 6327 8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee. 6328 7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe! 6329 6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na. 6330 5. Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio. 6331 4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style. 6332 3. A drum solo cannot be too long. 6333 2. I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again. 6334 1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to 6335 future generations. 6336 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock" 6337% 633810 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: 6339 6340 1. A beer won't make you go to church. 6341 2. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman. 6342 3. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit. 6343 4. A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of 6344 other beers on the side. 6345 5. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "Doberman" instead of 6346 "Doberperson". 6347 6. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian 6348 folk music on yer fave radio station. 6349 7. A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny. 6350 8. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the 6351 toilet seat up. 6352 9. A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" is an 6353 enormous can of vegetable juice. 635410. A beer won't smoke in your car. 6355% 6356100 buckets of bits on the bus 6357100 buckets of bits 6358Take one down, short it to ground 6359FF buckets of bits on the bus 6360 6361FF buckets of bits on the bus 6362FF buckets of bits 6363Take one down, short it to ground 6364FE buckets of bits on the bus 6365 6366ad infinitum... 6367% 6368$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at 6369which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. 6370 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 6371% 6372$100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will 6373increase to more than $100,000,000 -- by which time it will be worth nothing. 6374 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" 6375% 637610.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0. 6377% 6378101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR 6379 (1) Scarecrow for centipedes 6380 (2) Dead cat brush 6381 (3) Hair barrettes 6382 (4) Cleats 6383 (5) Self-piercing earrings 6384 (6) Fungus trellis 6385 (7) False eyelashes 6386 (8) Prosthetic dog claws 6387 . 6388 . 6389 . 6390 (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors) 6391 (100) Killer velcro 6392 (101) Currency 6393% 63941/2 oz. gin 63951/2 oz. vodka 63961/2 oz. rum (preferably dark) 63973/4 oz. tequila 63981/2 oz. triple sec 63991/2 oz. orange juice 64003/4 oz. sour mix 64011/2 oz. cola 6402shake with ice and strain into frosted glass. 6403 Long Island Iced Tea 6404% 640513. ... r-q1 6406% 640717. HO HUM -- The Redundant 6408 6409------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme 6410--- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife 6411------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working 6412---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop 6413---X--- (9) the GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates 6414--- --- (8) to nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex. 6415 6416Nine in the second place means: 6417 The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune. 6418 6419Six in the third place means: 6420 In former times men built altars to honor the Internal 6421 Revenue Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble! 6422% 64231.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's 6424the law! 6425% 642617th Rule of Friendship: 6427 6428A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount 6429of life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is 6430noncancellable. 6431 -- Esquire, May 1977 6432% 6433186,282 miles per second: 6434It isn't just a good idea, it's the law! 6435% 64361893 The ideal brain tonic 64371900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all 6438 soda fountains 64391905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent 64401905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain 64411906 The drink of QUALITY 64421907 Good to the last drop 64431907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate 64441907 Refreshing as a summer breeze. Delightful as a Dip in the Sea 64451908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate 64461917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola 64471919 It satisfies thirst 64481919 The taste is the test 64491922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst 64501922 Thirst knows no season 64511925 Enjoy the sociable drink 6452 -- Coca-Cola slogans 6453% 64541925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty 64551929 The high sign of refreshment 64561929 The pause that refreshes 64571930 It had to be good to get where it is 64581932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing 64591935 The pause that brings friends together 64601937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed 64611938 The best friend thirst ever had 64621939 Thirst stops here 64631942 It's the real thing 64641947 Have a Coke 64651961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING 64661963 Things go better with Coke 64671969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand 64681979 Have a Coke and a smile 64691982 Coke is it! 6470 -- Coca-Cola slogans 6471% 64721st graffitiest: QUESTION AUTHORITY! 6473 64742nd graffitiest: Why? 6475% 64762180, U.S. History question: 6477 What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what 6478office did he later hold? 6479% 64803 syncs represent the trinity -- init, the child and the eternal zombie 6481process. In doing 3, you're paying homage to each and I think such 6482traditions are important in this shallow, mercurial business we find 6483ourselves in. 6484 -- Jordan K. Hubbard 6485% 6486$3,000,000 6487% 6488355/113 -- 6489 Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible simulation. 6490% 64913M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art 6492and display work. This product is called "Craft Mount". 3M suggests 6493that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the 6494adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky." I did not know what "aggressively 6495tacky" meant until I read today's fortune. 6496 6497 [And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.] 6498% 64993rd Law of Computing: 6500 Anything that can go wr 6501fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped 6502% 650340 isn't old. If you're a tree. 6504% 65054.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986 6506 6507You swing at the Sun. You miss. The Sun swings. He hits you with a 6508575MB disk! You read the 575MB disk. It is written in an alien 6509tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes. You throw the 6510575MB disk at the Sun. You hit! The Sun must repair your eyes. The 6511Sun reads a scroll. He hits your 130MB disk! He has defeated the 6512130MB disk! The Sun reads a scroll. He hits your Ethernet board! He 6513has defeated your Ethernet board! You read a scroll of "postpone until 6514Monday at 9 AM". Everything goes dark... 6515 -- /etc/motd, cbosgd 6516% 6517(6) Men employees will be given time off each week for courting 6518 purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church. 6519(7) After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the 6520 office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible 6521 and other good books. 6522(8) Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly 6523 sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years, 6524 so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters. 6525(9) Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink 6526 in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets 6527 shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect 6528 his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty. 6529(10) The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and 6530 without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of 6531 five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the 6532 business permit it. 6533 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage 6534 Works, 1872 6535% 65366 oz. orange juice 65371 oz. vodka 65381/2 oz. Galliano 6539 Harvey Wallbangers 6540% 65417:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 6542 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National 6543 Redwood Forest. 6544% 65457:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 6546 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the 6547 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus. 6548% 654990% of the work takes 90% of the time. 6550The remaining 10% takes the other 90% of the time. 6551% 655294% of the women in America are beautiful 6553and the rest hang out around here. 6554% 655599 blocks of crud on the disk, 655699 blocks of crud! 6557You patch a bug, and dump it again: 6558100 blocks of crud on the disk! 6559 6560100 blocks of crud on the disk, 6561100 blocks of crud! 6562You patch a bug, and dump it again: 6563101 blocks of crud on the disk! 6564% 6565A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice 6566at one end and no responsibility at the other. 6567% 6568A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on. 6569 -- Carl Sandburg 6570% 6571A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once. 6572% 6573A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy 6574who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. 6575 -- Don Quinn 6576% 6577A bachelor is an unaltared male. 6578% 6579A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty 6580and a boy for ever. 6581 -- Helen Rowland 6582% 6583A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot 6584the horse, but it don't fix the leg. 6585% 6586A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and 6587ask for it back the when it begins to rain. 6588 -- Robert Frost 6589% 6590A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining 6591and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. 6592 -- Mark Twain 6593% 6594A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke. 6595 -- Kipling 6596% 6597A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad. 6598 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 6599% 6600A beer delayed is a beer denied. 6601% 6602A beginning is the time for taking the 6603most delicate care that balances are correct. 6604 -- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud'Dib" 6605% 6606A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money. 6607 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget 6608% 6609A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president. 6610A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ. 6611A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth. 6612A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury. 6613% 6614A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on 6615a photo-safari in Africa. As they're driving along the savannah in their 6616jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars. 6617 6618The biologist: "Look! A herd of zebras! And there's a white zebra! 6619 Fantastic! We'll be famous!" 6620The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant. We only know 6621 there's one white zebra." 6622The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is 6623 white on one side." 6624The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!" 6625% 6626A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him. 6627% 6628A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. 6629 -- Cervantes 6630% 6631A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. 6632% 6633A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose. 6634% 6635A bit of talcum 6636Is always walcum 6637 -- Ogden Nash 6638% 6639A black cat crossing your path signifies 6640that the animal is going somewhere. 6641 -- Groucho Marx 6642% 6643A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems 6644best. That's dangerous. Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to 6645serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the 6646schools as 'standards'? Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to 6647work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if 6648not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent, 6649elitist. ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such 6650stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be 6651supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real 6652professionals. Those texts are called 'reading material.' They are the 6653academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms, 6654and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating 6655resource centers along the roads. 6656 -- The Underground Grammarian 6657% 6658A bore is a man who talks so much about 6659himself that you can't talk about yourself. 6660% 6661A bore is someone who persists in holding his 6662own views after we have enlightened him with ours. 6663% 6664A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun. 6665% 6666A box without hinges, key, or lid, 6667Yet golden treasure inside is hid. 6668 -- J. R. R. Tolkien 6669% 6670A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance 6671of turning around three times before lying down. 6672 -- Robert Benchley 6673% 6674A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed. 6675 -- John Steinbeck 6676% 6677A budget is just a method of worrying 6678before you spend money, as well as afterward. 6679% 6680A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation. 6681% 6682A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected. 6683% 6684A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by 6685hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to the West. They 6686drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and 6687found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens 6688got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an 6689experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft. 6690 He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens 6691got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's 6692friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!" 6693 The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple 6694pole in a complex plane." 6695% 6696A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon; 6697The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune; 6698Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew, 6699And watching his luck was his light-o'-love, the lady that's known as Lou. 6700 -- Robert W. Service 6701% 6702A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files 6703is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it. 6704% 6705A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator. 6706 -- Paul Valery 6707% 6708A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich 6709and votes from the poor to protect them from each other. 6710% 6711A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes 6712to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him 6713and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross 6714examine him about his recent diet. 6715 "Well, I ate a missionary yesterday. Do you think that could be 6716the problem?" 6717 The VWD says "Hmmmm." (All doctors say "Hmmmm.") "That could be. 6718Tell me a bit about this missionary." 6719 "Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe. He was 6720walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged 6721him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him." 6722 "Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!") There's your problem," smiles 6723the VWD. You boiled him, but he was a friar!" 6724% 6725A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair. 6726% 6727A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea. The island 6728on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed 6729and exhausted, to a thick stake. They then proceeded to cut his arms 6730with their spears and drink his blood. This continued for several days 6731until the castaway could stand no more. He yelled for the cannibal chief 6732and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the 6733spears has got to stop. Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks." 6734% 6735A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith 6736does not prove anything. 6737 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 6738% 6739A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. 6740% 6741A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance. 6742Kites rise against the wind, not with it. 6743% 6744A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who 6745had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether 6746various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue 6747invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake, 6748and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and 6749asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop 6750between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex 6751string which he proffered wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk 6752was enlightened. 6753 6754From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after 6755string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples, 6756who passed it on to theirs. 6757% 6758A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some 6759time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One 6760evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through 6761the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when 6762the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too 6763much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot. 6764 Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business. 6765The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up 6766after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled 6767to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out, 6768silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could 6769go on to the kitty afterworld complete. 6770 Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't. You know 6771the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM." 6772% 6773A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed 6774a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke 6775with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked 6776in as Mr. and Mrs. 6777 After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front 6778desk and told the clerk he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was handed 6779a bill for $2500. 6780 "There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for 6781only three days." 6782 "Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month 6783and a half." 6784% 6785A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs. 6786% 6787A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not 6788mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty 6789trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators. 6790 -- Dave Barry 6791% 6792A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five. 6793% 6794A chronic disposition to inquiry 6795deprives domestic felines of vital qualities. 6796% 6797A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit 6798will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie. 6799% 6800A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but 6801won't cross the street to vote in a national election. 6802 -- Bill Vaughan 6803% 6804A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. 6805 -- Herbert Prochnow 6806% 6807A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity. 6808% 6809A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody 6810wants to read. 6811 -- Mark Twain quoting Professor Winchester, 6812 "The Disappearance of Literature" 6813% 6814A clever prophet makes sure of the event first. 6815% 6816A closed mouth gathers no foot. 6817% 6818A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such 6819a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the 6820sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will 6821know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons. 6822 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul 6823% 6824A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: 6825 68261. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT. 6827 Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose 6828 valuable scientific objectivity. 6829 68302. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES. 6831 Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the 6832 gentleness and reassurance he can get. 6833 68343. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED. 6835 Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold. 6836% 6837A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: 6838 68394. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF. 6840 You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into 6841 the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent 6842 disability you may have experienced. 6843 68445. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT. 6845 It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be 6846 explained in terms that you would understand. 6847 68486. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY. 6849 Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting 6850 research paper will surely be of widespread interest. 6851% 6852A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: 6853 68547. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY. 6855 You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, 6856 to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians. 6857 68588. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD. 6859 It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means. 6860 68619. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE 6862 OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR. 6863 The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a 6864 sacred duty to protect him from exposure. 6865 686610. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE. 6867 This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment. 6868% 6869A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief 6870as your goal. There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of 6871dishonourable behaviour. Unless she's really attractive. 6872 -- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy" 6873% 6874A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. 6875 -- Milton Berle 6876% 6877A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain. 6878 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" 6879% 6880A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, 6881scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom. 6882 -- Parkinson 6883% 6884A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth. 6885 -- R. Stallman 6886% 6887A company is known by the men it keeps. 6888% 6889A complex system that works is invariably 6890found to have evolved from a simple system that works. 6891% 6892A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil. 6893 -- Victor Hugo 6894% 6895[A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy. 6896 -- Joseph Campbell 6897% 6898A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention, 6899with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila. 6900 -- Mitch Ratcliffe 6901% 6902A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling 6903the president one of the latest talking computers. 6904Salesman: "This machine knows everything. I can ask it any question 6905 and it'll give the correct answer. Computer, what is the 6906 speed of light?" 6907Computer: 186,000 miles per second. 6908Salesman: "Who was the first president of the United States?" 6909Computer: George Washington. 6910President: "I'm still not convinced. Let me ask a question. 6911 Where is my father?" 6912Computer: Your father is fishing in Georgia. 6913President: "Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty 6914 years ago!" 6915Computer: Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just 6916 landed a twelve pound bass. 6917% 6918A computer science student and a practical hacker are discussing problems 6919the computer science student has run in to. 6920 6921CS Student: I have this singularly linked tail-queued list and I'm trying 6922 to make it O(1) to go backwards an item, instead of O(n)... 6923 What's the best way to go about that? Should I just use a 6924 cached hash of each item and put it into a sorted lookup 6925 table, and cache the hash of the last item in the current 6926 queue entry and then go to its place in the hash table and 6927 get the pointer value from there? 6928Hacker: No, you should add an item to the structure named 'prev' and 6929 make it point to the previous item. 6930CS Student: But we already have a structure element with that identifier 6931 and structure elements must have unique names within that 6932 scope! 6933Hacker: So call it 'previous'. 6934 6935And then the CS Student was enlightened. 6936% 6937A computer science student on an exam: 6938 6939 According to Shannon, information has entropy. Entropy is just 6940 a mathematical trick to introduce temperature. Consequently, 6941 information has temperature. Hence there are hot news and cool 6942 news. 6943% 6944A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken. 6945% 6946A computer, to print out a fact, 6947Will divide, multiply, and subtract. 6948 But this output can be 6949 No more than debris, 6950If the input was short of exact. 6951 -- Gigo 6952% 6953A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate 6954cake without ketchup and mustard. 6955% 6956A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. 6957% 6958A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can 6959do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done. 6960 -- Fred Allen 6961% 6962A CONS is an object which cares. 6963 -- Bernie Greenberg 6964% 6965A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run. 6966 -- Elbert Hubbard 6967% 6968A conservative is a man 6969who believes that nothing should be done for the first time. 6970 -- Alfred E. Wiggam 6971% 6972A conservative is a man 6973with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. 6974 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt 6975% 6976A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it 6977is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it. 6978% 6979A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper. 6980 -- Dyer 6981% 6982A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the 6983damned things is ample. 6984 -- Rebecca West 6985% 6986A couch is as good as a chair. 6987% 6988A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. 6989 -- Benjamin Franklin 6990% 6991A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the 6992beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately, 6993one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods 6994like the proverbial bat out of hell, and hot on his heels ran the Game 6995Warden. After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with 6996his hands on his thighs, whooping and heaving to catch his breath as the 6997Game Warden finally caught up to him. 6998 "Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped. The 6999man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing 7000license. 7001 "Well, son", snarled the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb 7002as a box of rocks! You didn't have to run if you have a license!" 7003 "Yes, sir," replied his victim, "but, well, see, my friend back 7004there, he don't have one!" 7005% 7006A cousin of mine once said about money, 7007money is always there but the pockets change; 7008it is not in the same pockets after a change, 7009and that is all there is to say about money. 7010 -- Gertrude Stein 7011% 7012A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased 7013in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at 7014each corner. The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting 7015and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device. Here also are 7016the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn. 7017 At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as 7018well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller. The central portion 7019houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit. Briefly, this consists of four 7020fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network 7021of flexible plumbing. This assembly also contains the central heating plant 7022complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main 7023ventilating system. The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of 7024this central section. 7025 Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and 7026colors. Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year. In 7027brief, the main external visible features of the cow are: two lookers, two 7028hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy. 7029% 7030A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste. 7031 -- Whitney Balliett 7032% 7033A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels 7034qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic 7035in this; he is unbiased -- he hates all creative people equally. 7036% 7037A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison 7038And had an affair with a Saracen. 7039 She was not oversexed, 7040 Or jealous or vexed, 7041She just wanted to make a comparison. 7042% 7043A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen lantern. 7044 -- Edgar A. Shoaff 7045% 7046A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it? 7047% 7048A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice. 7049% 7050A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant. 7051% 7052A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice. 7053% 7054A day without sunshine is like night. 7055% 7056A dead man cannot bite. 7057 -- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey) 7058% 7059A debugged program is one for which you have 7060not yet found the conditions that make it fail. 7061 -- Jerry Ogdin 7062% 7063A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their" 7064Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans. It is not a matter of 7065their training or their equipment. It has to do with the quality of the 7066society we are asking them to risk death defending. The metaphor of the 7067domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness 7068is high. San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich. 7069 -- William LeoGrande, "New York Times", 3/9/83 7070% 7071A Difficulty for Every Solution. 7072 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service 7073% 7074A diplomat is a man who can convince his 7075wife she'd look stout in a fur coat. 7076% 7077A diplomat is a man who can tell you to 7078go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable. 7079 -- Samuel Clemens 7080% 7081A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell 7082in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. 7083 -- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red" 7084% 7085A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age. 7086 -- Robert Frost 7087% 7088A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that 7089you will look forward to the trip. 7090% 7091A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember 7092your birthday when you never look any older?" 7093% 7094A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol. 7095 -- Adlai E. Stevenson 7096% 7097A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Was it true," the woman 7098inquired, "that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest 7099of her life?" 7100 She was told that it was. There was just a moment of silence before 7101the woman proceeded bravely on. "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my 7102condition is. This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'". 7103% 7104A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano. 7105% 7106A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have 7107some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news." The bad news is 7108that you only have six weeks to live." 7109 "Oh, no," says the patient. "What could possibly be worse than 7110that?" 7111 "Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since 7112last Monday." 7113% 7114A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested 7115waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The 7116lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks. "Professional 7117courtesy," he explained. 7118% 7119A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. 7120 -- Ogden Nash 7121% 7122A dozen, a gross, and a score, 7123Plus three times the square root of four, 7124 Divided by seven, 7125 Plus five times eleven, 7126Equals nine squared plus zero, no more. 7127% 7128A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him 7129what he meant. 7130 -- Wilson Mizner 7131% 7132A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance. 7133 -- Stanislaw Lem 7134% 7135A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to 7136a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate 7137a shilling. "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury 7138an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them." 7139% 7140A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. 7141 -- Klipstein 7142% 7143A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection. 7144% 7145A fair exterior is a silent recommendation. 7146 -- Publilius Syrus 7147% 7148A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer 7149should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around 7150she deserved. 7151 -- Robert A. Heinlein 7152% 7153A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a 7154Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. 7155Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network 7156with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the 7157Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly 7158pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while 7159simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick 7160Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened. 7161% 7162A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject. 7163 -- Winston Churchill 7164% 7165A farmer is a man outstanding in his field. 7166% 7167A feed salesman is on his way to a farm. As he's driving along at forty 7168m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running 7169alongside him, keeping pace with his car. He is amazed that a chicken is 7170running at forty m.p.h. So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty 7171m.p.h. The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly 7172takes off and disappears into the distance. 7173 The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know, 7174the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least 7175sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!" 7176 "Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours. You see, there's 7177me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy. Whenever we had chicken for 7178dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens. 7179So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could 7180have a drumstick." 7181 "How do they taste?" said the farmer. 7182 "Don't know," replied the farmer. "We haven't been able to catch 7183one yet." 7184% 7185A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase. 7186He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought 7187to have a name. This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name 7188should be masculine or feminine. 7189 After considerable thought, he settled on naming the car either 7190Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice. 7191 "Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of 7192them looked at him peculiarly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and 7193went on their way rather quickly. 7194 He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black 7195belt in judo. She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine." 7196 The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he 7197asked. 7198 "Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were 7199masculine." 7200 "Unhhh... Well, why not?" 7201 "Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want 7202it to. And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say... `Each Nissan, she 7203go!'" 7204 7205 [No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental 7206 martial art. (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.) Ed.] 7207% 7208A few hours grace before the madness begins again. 7209% 7210A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles. 7211% 7212A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat, 7213rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked 7214down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying 7215on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police 7216station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains, 7217drowned in the lake!" 7218 "Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal 7219more chain than he can swim with?" 7220% 7221A fitter fits; Though sinners sin 7222A cutter cuts; And thinners thin 7223And an aircraft spotter spots; And paper-blotters blot 7224A baby-sitter I've never yet 7225Baby-sits -- Had letters let 7226But an otter never ots. Or seen an otter ot. 7227 7228A batter bats 7229(Or scatters scats); 7230A potting shed's for potting; 7231But no one's found 7232A bounder bound 7233Or caught an otter otting. 7234 -- Ralph Lewin 7235% 7236A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood 7237waiting for a taxi. 7238 "Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel. "I'm going west." 7239 "How wonderful," came the cool reply. "Bring me back an orange." 7240% 7241A fool and his honey are soon parted. 7242% 7243A fool and his money are soon popular. 7244% 7245A fool and your money are soon partners. 7246% 7247A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity. 7248A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes. 7249% 7250A fool must now and then be right by chance. 7251% 7252A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. 7253 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 7254% 7255A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block 7256of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant. 7257% 7258A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into 7259superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. 7260 -- George Bernard Shaw 7261% 7262A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. 7263 -- D. Gries 7264% 7265A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis. 7266% 7267A fox is wolf who sends flowers. 7268 -- Ruth Weston 7269% 7270A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch 7271dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension. 7272 -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature" 7273% 7274A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. 7275 -- Adlai E. Stevenson 7276% 7277A freelancer is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps. 7278 -- Robert Benchley 7279% 7280A friend in need is a pest indeed. 7281% 7282A friend is a present you give yourself. 7283 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 7284% 7285A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. 7286You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better. 7287 -- Steven Wright 7288% 7289A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates 7290lawyers more than he hates his wife. 7291% 7292A full belly makes a dull brain. 7293 -- Benjamin Franklin 7294 7295 [and the local candy machine man. Ed] 7296% 7297A "full" life in my experience is usually full only of other 7298people's demands. 7299% 7300A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine! 7301% 7302A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than 7303he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men 7304favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter 7305facts of life in bandages of self-illusion. 7306 -- H. L. Mencken 7307% 7308A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet. 7309His next biggest thrill is losing a bet. 7310% 7311A gangster assembled an engineer, a chemist, and a physicist. He explained 7312that he was entering a horse in a race the following week and the three 7313assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster's horse would win. 7314They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they 7315each propose to ensure a win. When they reconvened the gangster started with 7316the engineer: 7317 7318Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got? 7319Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle 7320 blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide 7321 electrical shock to the horse. 7322G: That's very good! But let's hear from the chemist. 7323Chemist: I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that dissolves 7324 into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore 7325 cannot be detected in post-race tests. 7326G: Excellent, excellent! But I want to hear from the physicist before 7327 I decide what to do. Physicist? 7328 7329Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion... 7330% 7331A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding 7332ducks. 7333 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 7334% 7335A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on. 7336 -- Evan Esar 7337 [ And why not? For why does she have his hat on? Ed.] 7338% 7339A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on. 7340 -- Fred Allen 7341% 7342A gift of a flower will soon be made to you. 7343% 7344A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident. 7345A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident. 7346But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *_t_h_a_t _h_a_d _t_o _m_e_a_n _s_o_m_e_t_h_i_n_g*. 7347 -- S. Morgenstern, "The Silent Gondoliers" 7348% 7349A girl with a future avoids the man with a past. 7350 -- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor" 7351% 7352A girl's best friend is her mutter. 7353 -- Dorothy Parker 7354% 7355A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong-- 7356it merely keeps her from enjoying it. 7357% 7358A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like 7359a quop without a fertsneet (sort of). 7360% 7361A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. 7362Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific 7363game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have 7364traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, 7365preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass. 7366 -- Donald A. Metz 7367% 7368A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and 7369placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or 7370rolled into the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results 7371from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball 7372and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the 7373ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical phenomena. 7374 -- Donald A. Metz 7375% 7376A good man always knows his limitations. 7377 -- Harry Callahan 7378% 7379A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband. 7380 -- Michel de Montaigne 7381% 7382A good memory does not equal pale ink. 7383% 7384A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone, 7385all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever. 7386 -- J. Hawes 7387% 7388A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. 7389 -- Patton 7390% 7391A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a 7392one-way street. 7393 -- Doug Linder 7394% 7395A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened 7396into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the 7397hope of greening the landscape of idea. 7398 -- John Ciardi 7399% 7400A good reputation is more valuable than money. 7401 -- Publilius Syrus 7402% 7403A good scapegoat is hard to find. 7404% 7405A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine. 7406% 7407A good sysadmin always carries around a few feet of fiber. If he ever 7408gets lost, he simply drops the fiber on the ground, waits ten minutes, 7409then asks the backhoe operator for directions. 7410 -- Bill Bradford <mrbill@mrbill.net> 7411% 7412A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you 7413call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. 7414"That's dynamite, baby." 7415 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 7416% 7417A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to 7418you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to 7419you about yourself. 7420 -- Lisa Kirk 7421% 7422A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on 7423the table after you eat. 7424% 7425A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch. 7426 -- James Beard 7427% 7428A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough 7429to take it all away. 7430 -- Barry Goldwater 7431% 7432A grammarian's life is always intense. 7433% 7434A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges. 7435 -- Benjamin Franklin 7436% 7437A great many people think they are thinking 7438when they are merely rearranging their prejudices. 7439 -- William James 7440% 7441A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest 7442man a century. 7443% 7444A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. The 7445green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that 7446grew in the ears themselves, stuck out on either side like turn signals 7447indicating two directions at once. Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the 7448bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled 7449with disapproval and potato chip crumbs. In the shadow under the green visor 7450of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down 7451upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D. H. Holmes department 7452store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress. Several 7453of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be 7454properly considered offenses against taste and decency. Possession of 7455anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and 7456geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul. 7457 -- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces" 7458% 7459A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals 7460are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for 7461not going to church on Sunday. 7462 -- Russell Baker 7463% 7464A guilty conscience is the mother of invention. 7465 -- Carolyn Wells 7466% 7467A guy has to get fresh once in a while 7468so a girl doesn't lose her confidence. 7469% 7470A hacker does for love what others would not do for money. 7471% 7472A halted retreat 7473Is nerve-wracking and dangerous. 7474To retain people as men -- and maidservants 7475Brings good fortune. 7476% 7477A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never. 7478% 7479A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold. 7480% 7481A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains. 7482% 7483A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own 7484weight in other people's patience. 7485 -- John Updike 7486% 7487A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question: 7488 7489If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save 7490a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning 7491photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would 7492you use? 7493 7494 -- Paul Harvey 7495% 7496A Hen Brooding Kittens 7497 A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county, 7498a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three 7499kittens! The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring 7500says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that 7501she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young 7502felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at 7503her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings. 7504 -- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861 7505% 7506A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity. 7507% 7508A highly intelligent man should take a primitive woman. Imagine if on top 7509of everything else, I had a woman who interfered with my work. 7510 -- Adolf Hitler 7511% 7512A holding company is a thing where you hand 7513an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you. 7514% 7515A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone. 7516 "Hello?" his friend answers. 7517 "Hi!" says the man. "This is Bob, how are you doing?" 7518 "Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great! I just sold a screenplay 7519for two hundred thousand dollars. I've started a novel adaptation and the 7520studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it. I also have a television 7521series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit! 7522I'm doing *great*! How are you?" 7523 "Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves." 7524% 7525A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for? 7526% 7527A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse! 7528 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 7529% 7530A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong! 7531% 7532A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The 7533Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered. 7534 -- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901 7535% 7536A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. 7537 -- Helen Rowland 7538% 7539A hypocrite is a person who ... but who isn't? 7540 -- Don Marquis 7541% 7542A hypothetical paradox: 7543 What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security 7544team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of 7545Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? 7546 -- Tom Galloway 7547% 7548A is for Amy who fell down the stairs, B is for Basil assaulted by bears. 7549C is for Clara who wasted away, D is for Desmond thrown out of the sleigh. 7550E is for Ernest who choked on a peach, F is for Fanny, sucked dry by a leech. 7551G is for George, smothered under a rug, H is for Hector, done in by a thug. 7552I is for Ida who drowned in the lake, J is for James who took lye, by mistake. 7553K is for Kate who was struck with an axe, L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks. 7554M is for Maud who was swept out to sea, N is for Neville who died of ennui. 7555O is for Olive, run through with an awl, P is for Prue, trampled flat in a brawl 7556Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire, R is for Rhoda, consumed by a fire. 7557S is for Susan who perished of fits, T is for Titus who flew into bits. 7558U is for Una who slipped down a drain, V is for Victor, squashed under a train. 7559W is for Winnie, embedded in ice, X is for Xerxes, devoured by mice. 7560Y is for Yorick whose head was bashed in, Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin. 7561 -- Edward Gorey, "The Gashlycrumb Tinies" 7562% 7563A is for Apple. 7564 -- Hester Pryne 7565% 7566A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and 7567B is for biff, which reads all your mail. 7568C is for cc, as hackers recall, while 7569D is for dd, the command that does all. 7570E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and 7571F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees. 7572G is for grep, a clever detective, while 7573H is for halt, which may seem defective. 7574I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and 7575J is for join, which nobody uses. 7576K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while 7577L is for lex, which is missing from DOS. 7578M is for more, from which less was begot, and 7579N is for nice, which it really is not. 7580O is for od, which prints out things nice, while 7581P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice. 7582Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and 7583R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table. 7584S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while 7585T is for true, which does very little. 7586U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and 7587V is for vi, which is hard to abort. 7588W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while 7589X is, well, X, of dubious fame. 7590Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and 7591Z is for zcat, which handles compression. 7592 -- THE ABC'S OF UNIX 7593% 7594A joint is just tea for two. 7595% 7596A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam. 7597% 7598A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. 7599 -- Lao Tsu 7600% 7601A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet. 7602 -- Lao Tsu 7603% 7604A jug of wine, a bowl of rice with it; 7605Earthen vessels 7606Simply handed in through the window. 7607There is certainly no blame in this. 7608% 7609A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. 7610 -- Robert Frost 7611% 7612A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a 7613good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs. 7614% 7615A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually. 7616% 7617A kind of Batman of contemporary letters. 7618 -- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess 7619% 7620A king's castle is his home. 7621% 7622A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised, 7623for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when 7624words are superfluous. 7625% 7626A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. 7627% 7628A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally. 7629 -- Lillian Day 7630% 7631A lady with one of her ears applied 7632To an open keyhole heard, inside, 7633Two female gossips in converse free -- 7634The subject engaging them was she. 7635"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks 7636That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" 7637As soon as no more of it she could hear 7638The lady, indignant, removed her ear. 7639"I will not stay," she said with a pout, 7640"To hear my character lied about!" 7641 -- Gopete Sherany 7642% 7643A language that doesn't affect the way you 7644think about programming is not worth knowing. 7645 -- Alan J. Perlis 7646% 7647A language that doesn't have everything is 7648actually easier to program in than some that do. 7649 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 7650% 7651A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in 7652the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days 7653and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state 7654line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How 7655do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan. 7656 The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered, 7657there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of 7658110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and 7659third, make love to an Eskimo woman." 7660 "Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of 7661this here corn liquor?" 7662 "Got one right here," replied the guard. 7663 The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash. 7664"Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?" 7665 "Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout 7666a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff." 7667 The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned 7668with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was 7669smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you 7670want killed?" 7671% 7672A large number of installed systems work by fiat. 7673That is, they work by being declared to work. 7674 -- Anatol Holt 7675% 7676A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies. 7677Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured 7678him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and 7679quiet place in which to rest. One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around 7680above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said, 7681"Come on down." But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light 7682where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house." 7683So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other 7684flies. He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said, 7685"Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper. All those flies are trapped." "Don't be 7686silly," said the fly, "they're dancing." So he settled down and became stuck 7687to the flypaper with all the other flies. 7688 7689Moral: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else. 7690 -- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly" 7691% 7692A Law of Computer Programming: 7693 Make it possible for programmers to write in English 7694 and you will find that programmers cannot write in English. 7695% 7696A liberal is a man too broad minded to take his own side in a quarrel. 7697 -- Robert Frost 7698% 7699A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment. 7700 -- Willis Player 7701% 7702A lie in time saves nine. 7703% 7704A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of 7705trouble. 7706 -- Adlai E. Stevenson 7707% 7708A life lived in fear is a life half lived. 7709% 7710A life spent in search of the perfect hash brownie is a life well spent. 7711% 7712A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about. 7713% 7714A light wife doth make a heavy husband. 7715 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 7716% 7717A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility. 7718 -- Aristotle 7719% 7720A limerick packs laughs anatomical 7721Into space that is quite economical. 7722 But the good ones I've seen 7723 So seldom are clean, 7724And the clean ones so seldom are comical. 7725% 7726A LISP programmer knows the value of 7727everything, but the cost of nothing. 7728 -- Alan J. Perlis 7729% 7730A list is only as strong as its weakest link. 7731 -- Donald E. Knuth 7732% 7733A little experience often upsets a lot of theory. 7734% 7735A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation. 7736 -- C. E. Ayres 7737% 7738A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. 7739 -- H. H. Munroe a.k.a. Saki, "The Square Egg" (1924) 7740% 7741A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad 7742right?" And Santa says, "Yes, I do." The little kid then asks, "And you 7743know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the 7744little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good, 7745then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?" 7746% 7747A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems 7748have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects, 7749those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are 7750the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix, 7751APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them 7752with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS. 7753 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr. 7754% 7755A little word of doubtful number, 7756A foe to rest and peaceful slumber. 7757If you add an "s" to this, 7758Great is the metamorphosis. 7759Plural is plural now no more, 7760And sweet what bitter was before. 7761What am I? 7762% 7763A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile. 7764% 7765A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. 7766% 7767A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. 7768Buy the negatives at any price. 7769% 7770A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never. 7771% 7772A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. 7773 -- Steven Wright 7774% 7775A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, 7776and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks. 7777 -- Lew Col 7778% 7779A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all. 7780 -- Thomas Hardy 7781% 7782A major, with wonderful force, 7783Called out in Hyde Park for a horse. 7784 All the flowers looked round, 7785 But no horse could be found; 7786So he just rhododendron, of course. 7787% 7788A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car. 7789 -- Carrie Snow 7790% 7791A man always needs to remember one thing about 7792a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her. 7793% 7794A man always remembers his first love with special 7795tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them. 7796 -- H. L. Mencken 7797% 7798A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend, 7799who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the 7800lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win, 7801you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see 7802her again. Okay?" 7803 "Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point 7804on the side to make it interesting?" 7805% 7806A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married. After 7807that it's cheating. 7808 -- Yves Montand 7809% 7810A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen 7811or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. 7812 -- Joan Rivers 7813% 7814A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself. 7815 -- Du Bois 7816% 7817A man fell off a mountain and, as he fell, saw a branch and grabbed for it. 7818By superhuman effort he was able to get a precarious grip on it. As he 7819was hanging there for dear life, he looked up and cried out, 7820 "Is anybody there?" 7821A deep majestic voice answered, 7822 "Yes my son, I am here. What do you need?" 7823 "Help me!!" cried the man. 7824 "I will help you", said the voice, "Just let go of the branch and 7825you'll be safe. All you have to do is trust." 7826The man thought for a moment and cried out: 7827 "Anybody ELSE up there?" 7828% 7829A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles 7830in the road. 7831 -- Alexander Smith 7832% 7833A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke. The man sitting 7834next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm* 7835Polish." 7836 He then calls out, "Ivan! Come over here and bring your brother." 7837Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room. 7838 "Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl 7839with you." Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with 7840the joke. 7841 "Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?" 7842 "Nah," says the man. 7843 "Oh, no? And why not? I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish 7844man, opening and closing his fist. "Are you scared?" 7845 "No," replies the man. "I just don't feel like having to explain it 7846five times." 7847% 7848A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. 7849 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek" 7850% 7851A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him. 7852 -- Brendan Francis 7853% 7854A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another 7855man riding on a camel. When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man 7856whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give... 7857water..." 7858 "I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water 7859with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie." 7860 "Tie?" whispers the man. "I need *water*." 7861 "They're only four dollars apiece." 7862 "I need *water*." 7863 "Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars." 7864 "Please! I need *water*!", says the man. 7865 "I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman, 7866and he heads off into the distance. 7867 The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days. 7868Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he 7869sees a restaurant in the distance. Summoning the last of his strength he 7870staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter. 7871 "Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer. 7872 "I'm sorry, sir, ties required." 7873% 7874A man is known by the company he organizes. 7875 -- Ambrose Bierce 7876% 7877A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart, 7878He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart. 7879 -- Richard Thompson 7880% 7881A man is only as old as the woman he feels. 7882 -- Groucho Marx 7883% 7884A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the 7885longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse, 7886followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred 7887other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity 7888no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners. 7889 "Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief, 7890but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen. What happened, who is 7891the funeral for?" 7892 "Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother- 7893in-law of the man at the front of the procession. You see, his Doberman 7894attacked and killed her." 7895 "That's awful!", replies the onlooker. "But... um... tell me, you 7896don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?" 7897 "Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line." 7898% 7899A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and 7900antennae coming out of his head. He goes up to him and says, "You're not 7901from around here, are you?" 7902 "No," replies the man with the antennae. 7903 "You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American, 7904either. In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!" 7905 "Right again," says the man with four arms. "I'm from Mars." 7906 "Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got 7907there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything." 7908 "We Martians all have four arms and antennae." 7909 "Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that 7910big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all 7911Martians have that?" 7912 "Well, no," says the Martian. "Not the *goyim*." 7913% 7914A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be 7915bothered with sex and all that sort of thing. 7916 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle" 7917% 7918A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything. 7919 -- Samuel Johnson 7920% 7921A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled, 7922but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim. 7923% 7924A man may well bring a horse to the water, 7925but he cannot make him drink with he will. 7926 -- John Heywood 7927% 7928A man of genius makes no mistakes. 7929His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery. 7930 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses" 7931% 7932A man paints with his brains and not with his hands. 7933% 7934A man said to the Universe: 7935 "Sir, I exist!" 7936 "However," replied the Universe, 7937 "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation." 7938 -- Stephen Crane 7939% 7940A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he'd given her 7941some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later. Before 7942he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who 7943might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill. If that happened, he told 7944her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to 7945her aid. 7946 Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly 7947by the agreed upon signal. Running to the scene, he found his wife standing 7948in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel. 7949 "He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset. 7950 "She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied. "I 7951just want to get my saddle back!" 7952% 7953A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions 7954he is able to answer. 7955 -- Ronald Colman 7956% 7957A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a 7958late card games. 7959 "You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife," 7960he said. "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast 7961into the garage. Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and 7962tiptoe to our room. But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always 7963wakes up and gives me hell." 7964 "I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied. 7965 "You do?" 7966 "Sure. I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights, 7967stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss. `Hi, Alice,' I say. 7968`How about a little smooch for your old man?'" 7969 "And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief. 7970 "She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied. "She always pretends 7971she's asleep." 7972% 7973A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly, 7974 "Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee, 7975why did you Di......eeee" 7976The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely, 7977 "Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now, 7978carrying on at this grave. You must have been very close to the deceased." 7979 "No, I never met him. Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee, 7980why....eeeee did you.." 7981 "Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so? 7982Tell, me who is buried here?" 7983 "My wife's first husband." 7984% 7985A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either. 7986 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855) 7987% 7988A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn 7989in no other way. 7990% 7991A man who fishes for marlin in ponds 7992will put his money in Etruscan bonds. 7993% 7994A man who likes to lie in bed can usually 7995find a girl willing to listen to him. 7996% 7997A man who turns green has eschewed protein. 7998% 7999A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey. 8000% 8001A man with one watch knows what time it is. 8002A man with two watches is never quite sure. 8003% 8004A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle. 8005% 8006A man without a woman is like a fish without gills. 8007% 8008A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons. 8009% 8010A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create 8011destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in 8012turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man 8013would deliberately go mad to prove his point. 8014 -- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground" 8015% 8016A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. 8017% 8018A man's best friend is his dogma. 8019% 8020A man's gotta know his limitations. 8021 -- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry" 8022% 8023A man's house is his castle. 8024 -- Sir Edward Coke 8025% 8026A man's house is his hassle. 8027% 8028A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk. 8029 "It is right before your eyes," said the master. 8030 "Why do I not see it for myself?" 8031 "Because you are thinking of yourself." 8032 "What about you: do you see it?" 8033 "So long as you see double, saying `I don't', and `you do', and so 8034on, your eyes are clouded," said the master. 8035 "When there is neither `I' nor `You', can one see it?" 8036 "When there is neither `I' nor `You', 8037who is the one that wants to see it?" 8038% 8039A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach and 8040observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned woman. As 8041they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the pump. 8042 The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men, you may 8043yet save her!!" 8044 The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According to my 8045understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped more water 8046from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and 80476 feet high." 8048 The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle." 8049% 8050A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems. 8051 -- P. Erdos 8052% 8053A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems. 8054% 8055A meeting is an event at which the 8056minutes are kept and the hours are lost. 8057% 8058A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, 8059but to protect the writer. 8060 -- Dean Acheson 8061% 8062A method of solution is perfect if we can foresee from the start, 8063and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim. 8064 -- Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz 8065% 8066A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed 8067on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new 8068game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the 8069pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly 8070along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their 8071heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn 8072around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite 8073direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the 8074paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin 8075colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins 8076fall over gently onto their backs. 8077 -- Audubon Society Magazine 8078 8079[From the BBC, 2001-02-02: 8080 For five weeks, a team from the British Antarctic Survey (BAS) 8081monitored 1,000 king penguins on the island of South Georgia as Lynx 8082helicopters passed overhead. 8083 "Not one king penguin fell over when the helicopters came over," 8084said team leader Dr. Richard Stone. 8085 "As the aircraft approached, the birds went quiet and stopped 8086calling to each other, and adolescent birds that were not associated 8087with nests began walking away from the noise. Pure animal instinct, 8088really." 8089 The conclusion, said Dr. Stone, is that flights over 305 metres 8090(1,000 feet) caused "only minor and transitory ecological effects" on 8091king penguins.] 8092% 8093A mighty creature is the germ, 8094Though smaller than the pachyderm. 8095His customary dwelling place 8096Is deep within the human race. 8097His childish pride he often pleases 8098By giving people strange diseases. 8099Do you, my poppet, feel infirm? 8100You probably contain a germ. 8101 -- Ogden Nash 8102% 8103A mind is a wonderful thing to waste. 8104% 8105A modem is a baudy house. 8106% 8107A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery, 8108is the most tremendous object in the whole creation. 8109 -- Goldsmith 8110% 8111A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen 8112floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for 8113its species, managed to trap them in a corner. The children cowered, 8114terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother! 8115Save us! Save us! We're scared, Mother!" 8116 Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its 8117children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them, 8118and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman 8119proud. The startled cat fled in fear for its life. 8120 As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother, 8121you saved us!" and "Yay! You scared the cat away!" she turned to them 8122purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second 8123language?" 8124% 8125A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, 8126and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes. 8127 -- Frost 8128% 8129A motion to adjourn is always in order. 8130% 8131A mouse is a device used to point at the xterm you want to type in. 8132% 8133A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese. 8134% 8135A mushroom cloud has no silver lining. 8136% 8137A musician, an artist, an architect: 8138 the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian. 8139 -- William Blake 8140% 8141A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes. 8142 -- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy" 8143% 8144A narcissist is someone better looking than you are. 8145 -- Gore Vidal 8146% 8147A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you. 8148% 8149A national debt, if it is not excessive, 8150will be to us a national blessing. 8151 -- Alexander Hamilton 8152% 8153A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out 8154on loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed 8155loudly inside the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom 8156do you believe," asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?" 8157% 8158A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon 8159discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled. At about 5,000 feet, 8160still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the 8161same speed as he was going towards the ground. As they passed each other at 81623,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?" 8163 The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING 8164ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?" 8165% 8166A new koan: 8167 If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. 8168 If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you. 8169It is an ice cream koan. 8170% 8171A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. 8172Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a `round tuit' 8173now has no excuse for further procrastination. 8174% 8175A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time 8176had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had 8177come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to 8178catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust 8179the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to 8180it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept 8181in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers. 8182 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago" 8183% 8184A New Way of Taking Pills 8185 A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and 8186having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with 8187small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks 8188will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment. 8189 -- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861 8190% 8191A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the 8192rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion. 8193% 8194A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he 8195on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges 8196over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom. 8197As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet 8198from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength. 8199"Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin' 8200you now: Save me, Lord, save me." 8201 Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH." 8202 "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!" 8203 "TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH." 8204 "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..." 8205 "TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH." 8206 Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls 8207to his death. 8208 "DUMB YANKEE." 8209% 8210A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered 8211by the side of the street. Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned 8212out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained 8213that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused 8214himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped 8215the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?" 8216 "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the 8217onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?" 8218 "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a 8219gallon or two." 8220% 8221A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure. 8222 -- Arthure "Bugs" Baer 8223% 8224A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. 8225 -- Yogi Berra 8226% 8227A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a 8228"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble. 8229 -- Mahatma Gandhi 8230% 8231A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a question. 8232 8233"Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked. 8234 8235The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be 8236relied upon to know these things. He thought for several minutes 8237before replying. 8238 8239"I don't see why not. It's got bloody well everything else." 8240 8241With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch. The novice suddenly achieved 8242enlightenment, several years later. 8243 8244Commentary: 8245 8246His Master is kind, 8247Answering his FAQ quickly, 8248With thought and sarcasm. 8249% 8250A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. 8251% 8252A pain in the ass of major dimensions. 8253 -- C. A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits 8254% 8255A Parable of Modern Research: 8256 8257 Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one 8258brightly lit corner. 8259 "Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!" 8260 "I can only see here." 8261% 8262A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on. 8263 -- William S. Burroughs 8264% 8265A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. 8266% 8267A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space. 8268 -- Gloria Steinem 8269% 8270A pencil with no point needs no eraser. 8271% 8272A penny saved has not been spent. 8273% 8274A penny saved is a penny taxed. 8275% 8276A penny saved is ridiculous. 8277% 8278A penny saved kills your career in government. 8279% 8280A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to 8281govern. It demands no social reforms. It does not haggle over expenditures 8282on armaments and military equipment. It pays without discussion, it ruins 8283itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and 8284manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain. 8285 -- Anatole France 8286% 8287A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages, 8288who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never 8289speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of 8290unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be! 8291 -- Thackeray 8292% 8293A person forgives only when they are in the wrong. 8294% 8295A person is just about as big as the things that make him angry. 8296% 8297A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something. 8298A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest. 8299% 8300A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well 8301schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer. 8302 -- Donald E. Knuth 8303% 8304A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist. 8305 -- Elbert Hubbard 8306% 8307A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms. 8308 -- George Wald 8309% 8310A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men 8311gets out and goes into the office. 8312 "I need some four-by-two's," he says. 8313 "You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk. 8314 The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go 8315check." 8316 Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the 8317truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be 8318acceptable. 8319 "OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?" 8320 The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh... I guess I better go 8321check," he says. 8322 He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated 8323conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says, 8324"we're building a house". 8325% 8326A pig is a jolly companion, 8327Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt -- 8328A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, 8329Though mountains may topple and tilt. 8330When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you, 8331When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig, 8332Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover, 8333You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig, 8334You'll never go wrong with a pig! 8335 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 8336% 8337A pipe gives a wise man time to think 8338and a fool something to stick in his mouth. 8339% 8340A place for everything and everything in its place. 8341 -- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management" 8342 8343 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 8344 referring to memory management system services.] 8345% 8346A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it. 8347 -- Stanley Baldwin 8348% 8349A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques 8350contaminate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain 8351edible nutriments. 8352% 8353A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs. 8354% 8355A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits. 8356% 8357A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. He has heard 8358about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his 8359money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the 8360finance ministry, sir," the teller replies. 8361 "But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks. 8362 "Then the government will intercede to protect the working class," 8363the teller says. 8364 "But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks. 8365 "Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come 8366to our assistance," the teller responds with growing irritation. 8367 "And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks. 8368 "Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy 8369paycheck?" 8370 -- Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1984 8371% 8372A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom, 8373but he has no means to realize it other than through violence. 8374 -- Jean-Paul Sartre 8375% 8376A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest. 8377 -- Walt Kelly 8378% 8379A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea. 8380% 8381A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil! 8382 -- The Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Sumatra" 8383% 8384A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality. 8385Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling. 8386But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest. 8387 -- Lazarus Long 8388% 8389A prediction is worth twenty explanations. 8390 -- K. Brecher 8391% 8392A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your 8393last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something 8394of yours to press against my heart. 8395 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 8396% 8397A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything. 8398% 8399A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil. 8400Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies." 8401% 8402A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? 8403 8404And the Master answered: 8405 It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. 8406 It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. 8407 It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to 8408City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come 8409to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness. 8410 8411 And that is Fate? said the priest. 8412 8413 Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master. 8414 8415 That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know 8416what Freight was too. 8417 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 8418% 8419A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions. 8420 -- George Eliot 8421% 8422A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then 8423asks you not to kill him. 8424 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952 8425% 8426A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency. 8427 -- Miguel de Cervantes 8428% 8429A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. 8430% 8431A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of 8432being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of 8433incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague 8434assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents 8435and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of 8436dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of 8437annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was 8438unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place. 8439 -- IEEE Grid newsmagazine 8440% 8441A programming language is low level 8442when its programs require attention to the irrelevant. 8443% 8444A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to 8445drink with -- even if he drank. 8446 -- H. L. Mencken 8447% 8448A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a 8449watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he 8450looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his 8451tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were 8452they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led 8453by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged, 8454killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting 8455could not be seen. A little while later the two kings of the jungle 8456emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of 8457the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions." 8458% 8459A promiscuous person is usually someone who is 8460getting more sex than you are. 8461 -- Victor Lownes 8462% 8463A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female 8464by virtue of a certain lack of qualities -- a natural defectiveness. 8465 -- Aristotle 8466% 8467A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions 8468your wife asks you for nothing. 8469 -- Joey Adams 8470% 8471A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that 8472your wife will give you for free. 8473% 8474A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be 8475too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which 8476was intended for her preservation. 8477 -- Colton 8478% 8479A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as 8480"you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if 8481the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants 8482to make a travesty of the game. 8483 -- Donald A. Metz 8484% 8485A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans 8486over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?" 8487 The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a 8488Bishop." 8489 "Well, could you get any higher than that?" 8490 "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I 8491might be made an Archbishop." 8492 "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?" 8493 "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal." 8494 "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" 8495 Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could 8496be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will." 8497 "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go 8498up from being the Pope?" 8499 "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!" 8500 The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it." 8501% 8502A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results 8503blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon. 8504 -- Steel City News 8505% 8506A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the 8507entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family. 8508 -- Saul Alinsky 8509% 8510A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives. 8511% 8512A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having 8513his neighbor notice it. 8514 -- Trygve Lie 8515% 8516A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale, 8517commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked. 8518 The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it 8519the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of 8520field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living 8521room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling 8522beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way." 8523 Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer 8524looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too 8525obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe." 8526% 8527A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away. 8528A real friend is someone you can use over and over again. 8529% 8530A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to. 8531 -- Overheard in an algebra lecture 8532% 8533A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking 8534ticket and rejoices that the system works. 8535% 8536A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen 8537objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer 8538scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added concentration 8539needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three dimensional objects. 8540% 8541A regular expression goes into a pub with a friend, intending to 8542help him find a girl. However, when the cockney barman finds this 8543out, he says to it, "Ere! I'll have no pattern match-making in my 8544pub!" 8545% 8546A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other 8547people what to do with their money. 8548 -- Imamu Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones) 8549% 8550A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you. 8551 -- Ramsey Clark 8552% 8553A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may 8554not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized 8555rosewater. 8556% 8557A robin redbreast in a cage 8558Puts all Heaven in a rage. 8559 -- Blake 8560% 8561A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man 8562contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. 8563 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 8564% 8565A rolling disk gathers no MOS. 8566% 8567A rolling stone gathers momentum. 8568% 8569A rolling stone gathers no moss. 8570 -- Publilius Syrus 8571% 8572A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who 8573demanded, "Was she not chaste? Was she not fair? Was she not fruitful?" 8574holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made. 8575Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me. 8576 -- Plutarch 8577% 8578A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side. It 8579weighs one third of a pound per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a 8580banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey. 8581The banana weighs two ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as 8582the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces) 8583is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined age of the 8584monkey and its mother is thirty years. One half of the weight of the monkey, 8585plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the 8586weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as 8587the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she 8588was half as old as the monkey will be when it is as old as its mother 8589will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice 8590as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it 8591was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was 8592when it was one fourth as old as it is now. How long is the banana? 8593% 8594A rose is a rose is a rose. Just ask Jean Marsh, known to millions of 8595PBS viewers in the '70s as Rose, the maid on the BBC export "Upstairs, 8596Downstairs." Though Marsh has since gone on to other projects, ... it's 8597with Rose she's forever identified. So much so that she even likes to 8598joke about having one named after her, a distinction not without its 8599drawbacks. "I was very flattered when I heard about it, but when I looked 8600up the official description, it said, `Jean Marsh: pale peach, not very 8601good in beds; better up against a wall.' I want to tell you that's not 8602true. I'm very good in beds as well." 8603% 8604A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly. 8605If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space. 8606 -- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars 8607% 8608A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule. 8609% 8610A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed. 8611Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid. 8612 -- Genesis, "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway" 8613 8614I don't know what it's about. I'm just the drummer. Ask Peter. 8615 -- Phil Collins in 1975, when asked about the message behind 8616 the previous year's Genesis release, "The Lamb Lies Down 8617 on Broadway". 8618% 8619A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper 8620vocation?" 8621 The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of 8622their minds. Others must use their strong backs, legs and hands. This is 8623the same in nature as it is with man. Some animals acquire their food easily, 8624such as rabbits, hogs and goats. Other animals must fiercely struggle for 8625their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants. So you see, the nature of 8626the vocation must fit the individual. 8627 "But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the 8628scholar sobbed. 8629 Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?" 8630% 8631A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and 8632making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually 8633die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it. 8634 -- Max Planck 8635% 8636A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from 8637the vexation of thinking. 8638 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Journals" (1831) 8639% 8640A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness 8641of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving 8642water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in consciousness 8643of this necessary reorganization of our lives. 8644 8645It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the 8646recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the 8647ground. 8648 -- J. W. N. Sullivan 8649% 8650A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will keep 8651him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those that are 8652worth committing. 8653 -- Samuel Butler 8654% 8655A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself. 8656 -- Don Marquis 8657% 8658A Severe Strain on the Credulity 8659 As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the 8660highest parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket 8661is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one considers the 8662multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one begins to doubt... 8663for after the rocket quits our air and really starts on its journey, its 8664flight would be neither accelerated nor maintained by the explosion of the 8665charges it then might have left. Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in 8666Clark College and countenancing of the Smithsonian Institution, does not 8667know the relation of action to re-action, and of the need to have something 8668better than a vacuum against which to react... Of course he only seems to 8669lack the knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. 8670 -- New York Times Editorial, 1920 8671% 8672A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feminist 8673thought today, because a major tendency in feminism has constructed the 8674problem of domination as a drama of female vulnerability victimized by male 8675aggression. Even the more sophisticated feminist thinkers frequently shy 8676away from the analysis of submission, for fear that in admitting woman's 8677participation in the relationship of domination, the onus of responsibility 8678will appear to shift from men to women, and the moral victory from women to 8679men. More generally, this has been a weakness of radical politics: to 8680idealize the oppressed, as if their politics and culture were untouched by 8681the system of domination, as if people did not participate in their own 8682submission. To reduce domination to a simple relation of doer and done-to 8683is to substitute moral outrage for analysis. 8684 -- Jessica Benjamin, "The Bonds of Love" 8685% 8686A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard. 8687 -- Prof. Steiner 8688% 8689A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic. 8690 -- Joseph Stalin 8691% 8692A single flow'r he sent me, since we met. 8693All tenderly his messenger he chose; 8694Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet-- 8695One perfect rose. 8696 8697I knew the language of the floweret; 8698"My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose." 8699Love long has taken for his amulet 8700One perfect rose. 8701 8702Why is it no one ever sent me yet 8703One perfect limousine, do you suppose? 8704Ah no, it's always just my luck to get 8705One perfect rose. 8706 -- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose" 8707% 8708A sinking ship gathers no moss. 8709 -- Donald Kaul 8710% 8711A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two. 8712% 8713A Smith & Wesson beats four aces. 8714% 8715A snake lurks in the grass. 8716 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 8717% 8718A social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small North 8719African tribe, found a woman still practicing the ancient art of matchmaking. 8720Locally, she was known as the Moor, the marrier. 8721% 8722A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family, 8723the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society 8724which is on its way out. 8725 -- L. Ron Hubbard 8726% 8727A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger. 8728 -- Proverbs 15:1 8729% 8730A soft drink turneth away company. 8731% 8732A song in time is worth a dime. 8733% 8734A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the 8735family dog, Old Blue with him, for company. He's only been there a few weeks 8736when he gets a call from his girlfriend; seems like they've got a problem, 8737and she needs a thousand dollars to take care of it. The boy calls his folks: 8738 "How are you?" they ask. 8739 "Oh, I'm fine," he says. 8740 "And how," they ask, "is Old Blue?" 8741 "Well, he's kind of depressed. You see, there's this lady up here 8742that teaches dogs to talk, and Ol' Blue is feelin' kind of left out 'cause 8743he's the only dog that doesn't know how to talk. She charges a thousand 8744dollars." 8745 The parents send the boy the thousand dollars, he forwards it to Mary 8746Lou, and everything's fine until Christmas vacation. The boy leaves Ol' Blue 8747at his dorm, 'cause he just can't figure out what to tell his parents. Sure 8748enough, when he gets home, the first thing his father wants to know is 8749"Where's Old Blue?" 8750 "Well, Pa," says the boy. "I was driving on home and Old Blue was 8751talking away about this and that when we passed the Buford's farm. Old Blue, 8752well, he said, `Say, what do you think your mother would do if I told her 8753that your father's been comin' over here and seeing Mrs. Buford all these 8754years?'" 8755 The father looks at his son -- "You shot that dog, didn't you, boy?" 8756% 8757A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny. 8758% 8759A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years. 8760 -- Harry S. Truman 8761% 8762A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high 8763probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that 8764the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low. 8765Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him. 8766% 8767A stitch in time saves nine. 8768% 8769A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. 8770 -- O'Henry 8771% 8772A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many 8773bad measures. 8774 -- Daniel Webster 8775% 8776A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to Greenblatt. 8777As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it true", asked the 8778student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as Lisp?" Almost before 8779the student had finished his question, Greenblatt shouted, "FOO!", and hit 8780the student with a stick. 8781% 8782A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam. 8783% 8784A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows. 8785% 8786A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something 8787undreamed of by its author. 8788 -- S. C. Johnson 8789% 8790A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first 8791thought of. 8792 -- Burt Bacharach 8793% 8794A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over 8795Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the 8796other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing 8797new versions of their own innards! 8798 -- Michael O'Brien 8799% 8800A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm) 8801 -- by Charles Dickens 8802 8803 A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place. 8804 8805The Metamorphosis LITE(tm) 8806 -- by Franz Kafka 8807 8808 A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed. 8809 8810Lord of the Rings LITE(tm) 8811 -- by J. R. R. Tolkien 8812 8813 Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano. 8814 8815Hamlet LITE(tm) 8816 -- by William Shakespeare 8817 8818 A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy 8819 girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age. 8820% 8821A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm) 8822 -- by Charles Dickens 8823 8824 A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just 8825 like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean 8826 lady who knits. 8827 8828Crime and Punishment LITE(tm) 8829 -- by Fyodor Dostoyevsky 8830 8831 A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later 8832 feels guilty and apologizes. 8833 8834The Odyssey LITE(tm) 8835 -- by Homer 8836 8837 After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home. 8838% 8839A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you. 8840% 8841A tautology is a thing which is tautological. 8842% 8843A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say. 8844 -- Michael Winner, British film director 8845% 8846A Texan, impressing the hell out of a Bostonian with tales about the heroes 8847of the Alamo, commented, "I'll bet you never had anyone that brave around 8848*Boston*." 8849 "Ever hear of Paul Revere?", snarled the Bostonian. 8850 "Paul Revere?", pondered the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for 8851help?" 8852% 8853A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it. 8854 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W. H." 8855% 8856A timely marriage: one made before your children start nagging you about it. 8857 -- Diane Duane 8858% 8859A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, 8860and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. 8861 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8862% 8863A transistor protected by a fast-acting 8864fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first. 8865% 8866A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three 8867wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels. 8868Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer 8869sitting in the yard watching the pig. 8870 "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman. 8871 "Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter 8872was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that 8873pig swam out and dragged her back to shore." 8874 "Amazing!" the salesman exclaimed. 8875 "And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on 8876the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did. 8877That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me. 8878Saved my life." 8879 "Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has 8880three wooden legs?" 8881 The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you 8882got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once." 8883% 8884A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene 8885triangle. 8886% 8887A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother 8888drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art. 8889 -- Shaw 8890% 8891A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor. 8892 -- Benjamin Franklin 8893% 8894A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 8895% 8896A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 8897% 8898A truth that's told with bad intent 8899Beats all the lies you can invent. 8900 -- William Blake 8901% 8902A university is what a college becomes 8903when the faculty loses interest in students. 8904 -- John Ciardi 8905% 8906A University without students is like an ointment without a fly. 8907 -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin 8908% 8909A UNIX saleslady, Lenore, 8910Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more. 8911 She found a good way 8912 To combine work and play: 8913She sells C shells by the seashore. 8914% 8915A vacuum is a hell of a lot better 8916than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with. 8917 -- Tennessee Williams 8918% 8919A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. 8920 -- Samuel Goldwyn 8921% 8922A violent man will die a violent death. 8923 -- Lao Tsu 8924% 8925A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work. 8926% 8927A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work. 8928% 8929A vivid and creative mind characterizes you. 8930% 8931A waist is a terrible thing to mind. 8932 -- Ziggy 8933% 8934A watched clock never boils. 8935% 8936A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without 8937getting nervous. 8938% 8939A well-known friend is a treasure. 8940% 8941A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges. 8942A swift-flowing stream does not grow stagnant. 8943Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum. 8944Software rots if not used. 8945 8946These are great mysteries. 8947 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 8948% 8949A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age. 8950 -- Addison 8951% 8952A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there 8953*for the rest of your life*. 8954 -- Jim Samuels 8955% 8956A wise man can see more from a mountain top 8957than a fool can from the bottom of a well. 8958% 8959A wise man can see more from the bottom 8960of a well than a fool can from a mountain top. 8961% 8962A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion. 8963 -- Chinese proverb 8964% 8965A witty saying proves nothing. 8966 -- Voltaire 8967% 8968A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets 8969people's attention. 8970% 8971A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to 8972admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact 8973remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one 8974reason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell. It 8975is for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties of 8976using indirect spells. It also does no harm, in dealing with these 8977matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times. 8978 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII 8979% 8980A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it 8981were quite a struggle. 8982 -- Edna Ferber 8983% 8984A woman can never be too rich or too thin. 8985% 8986A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how. 8987To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable. 8988 -- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed" 8989% 8990A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed. 8991 -- Scott 8992% 8993A woman, especially if she have the misfortune 8994of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can. 8995 -- Jane Austen 8996% 8997A woman forgives the audacity of which 8998her beauty has prompted us to be guilty. 8999 -- LeSage 9000% 9001A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be 9002thankful for a good one. 9003 -- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings 9004% 9005A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her, 9006she follows. 9007 -- Chamfort 9008% 9009A woman is like your shadow; follow her, 9010she flies; fly from her, she follows. 9011 -- Chamfort 9012% 9013A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to endure, 9014it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. 9015 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 9016% 9017A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive little thing -- tender, sweet, 9018and stupid. 9019 -- Adolf Hitler 9020% 9021A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times 9022over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of 9023pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door. 9024 -- Stendhal 9025% 9026A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither 9027physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even 9028when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting." 9029 -- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925 9030% 9031A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume. 9032 -- Maurine Lewis 9033% 9034A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth. Afterwards, the doctor 9035came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you." 9036 "Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked. 9037 "Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how. Your son 9038(we assume) was born with no body. He only has a head." 9039 Well, the doctor was correct. The Head was alive and well, though no 9040one knew how. The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of 9041a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under 9042the circumstances. 9043 One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a 9044phone call from another doctor. The doctor said, "I have recently perfected 9045an operation. Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto 9046his head!" 9047 The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung 9048up. She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful* 9049surprise for you!" 9050 "Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!" 9051% 9052A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. 9053 -- Gloria Steinem 9054% 9055A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. 9056Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish. 9057% 9058A woman's best protection is a little money of her own. 9059 -- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women" 9060% 9061A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate. 9062% 9063A word to the wise is enough. 9064 -- Miguel de Cervantes 9065% 9066A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side. Knowing 9067that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker 9068watched the teacher closely. "Why do you blow on your hands?" "To warm 9069myself in the cold." Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself 9070and the newcomer, and blew on his own. "Why are you doing that, Master?" 9071"To cool the soup." Unable to trust a man who uses the same process 9072to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed. 9073% 9074A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call 9075what he writes fiction. 9076 -- William Faulkner 9077% 9078A yawn is a silent shout. 9079 -- G. K. Chesterton 9080% 9081A year spent in Artificial Intelligence is enough to make one believe in God. 9082% 9083A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new 9084bonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk." 9085 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860 9086% 9087A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotted 9088a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry-store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to 9089have that!" she gushed. 9090 "No problem," her companion replied, throwing a brick through the 9091window and grabbing the ring. 9092 A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-length sable coat. "What 9093I'd give to own that," she said, sighing. 9094 "No problem," he said, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing 9095the coat. 9096 Finally, turning for home, they passed a car dealership. "Boy, I'd do 9097anything for one of those Rolls-Royces," she said. 9098 "Jeez, baby," the guy moaned, "you think I'm made of bricks?" 9099% 9100A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and 9101walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces. He turns to a gorgeous 9102woman, who is obviously window shopping, looks her straight in the eye and 9103says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace. If you'll 9104allow me, I'd like to buy it for you." 9105 The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some 9106pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story. 9107 "Look, this is some kind of put on, right?" 9108 "No, really. You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that 9109I could never spend it all. I'd really like for you to have it." 9110 The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures, 9111calls over a clerk and hands it to him. The clerk peers at the check, looks 9112at the young man, looks at the check again. "Very good, sir. I'm afraid I 9113can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?" 9114 "That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out 9115of the store with the woman following him in a daze. 9116 The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter. 9117The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell 9118you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds." 9119 "I know," the man replies. "I just wanted to thank you for a 9120terrific weekend." 9121% 9122A young man wrote to Mozart and said: 9123 9124Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any 9125 suggestions as to how to get started?" 9126A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with 9127 some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony." 9128Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old." 9129A: "But I never asked anybody how." 9130% 9131A.A.A.A.A.: 9132 An organization for drunks who drive. 9133% 9134AAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!! 9135You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room! 9136% 9137Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. 9138% 9139Abbott's Admonitions: 9140 1: If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know. 9141 2: If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked 9142 the question. 9143 -- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia 9144% 9145Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went 9146on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close. 9147% 9148Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!) 9149Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace, 9150And saw, within the moonlight in his room, 9151Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom, 9152An angel writing in a book of gold. 9153Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold, 9154And to the presence in the room he said, 9155"What writest thou?" The vision raised its head, 9156And with a look made of all sweet accord, 9157Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord." 9158"And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so," 9159Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low, 9160But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then, 9161Write me as one that loves his fellow-men." 9162The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night 9163It came again with a great wakening light, 9164And showed the names whom love of God had blessed, 9165And lo! Ben Adhem's name led all the rest. 9166 -- James Henry Leigh Hunt, "Abou Ben Adhem" 9167% 9168About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard. 9169% 9170About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog. 9171% 9172About the only thing we have left that actually 9173discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork. 9174% 9175About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. 9176 -- Herbert Hoover 9177% 9178About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt 9179ax. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead. 9180 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 9181% 9182Above all else - sky. 9183% 9184Above all things, reverence yourself. 9185% 9186Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C. 9187% 9188Abscond, v.: 9189 To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative 9190 and miss the return train. 9191% 9192Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases 9193great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires. 9194 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld 9195% 9196Absence in love is like water upon fire; 9197a little quickens, but much extinguishes it. 9198 -- Hannah More 9199% 9200Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, 9201it enkindles the great. 9202% 9203Absence makes the heart forget. 9204% 9205Absence makes the heart go wander. 9206% 9207Absence makes the heart grow fonder. 9208 -- Sextus Aurelius 9209% 9210Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else. 9211% 9212Absence makes the heart grow frantic. 9213% 9214Absent, adj.: 9215 Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; 9216slandered. 9217% 9218Absentee, n.: 9219 A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove 9220himself from the sphere of exaction. 9221 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9222% 9223Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.) 9224 -- Stafford Beer 9225% 9226Abstainer, n.: 9227 A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a 9228pleasure. 9229 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9230% 9231Abstract: 9232 This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group 9233of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar 9234and tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects. Of the white-collar 9235men measured, 67% were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than 9236their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was 9237evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF 9238test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual 9239performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve 9240immediately when tight neckwear was removed. 9241 -- Langan, L. M. and Watkins, S. M. "Pressure of Menswear on the 9242 Neck in Relation to Visual Performance." Human Factors 29, 9243 #1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71. 9244% 9245Absurdity, n.: 9246 A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own 9247opinion. 9248 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9249% 9250Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, 9251because the stakes are so low. 9252 -- Wallace Sayre 9253% 9254Academicians care, that's who. 9255% 9256ACADEMY: 9257 A modern school where football is taught. 9258INSTITUTE: 9259 An archaic school where football is not taught. 9260% 9261Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat. 9262% 9263Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable. 9264% 9265ACCEPTANCE TESTING: 9266 An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs. 9267% 9268Accident, n.: 9269 A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of 9270body is better. 9271 -- Foolish Dictionary 9272% 9273Accidentally Shot 9274 Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago, 9275in a singular manner. A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to 9276bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the 9277Colonel's hat. One shot took effect in his forehead. 9278 -- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861 9279% 9280Accidents cause History. 9281 9282If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the 9283Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not 9284have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil 9285could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and 9286the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd. 9287 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 9288% 9289According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something 9290everyone should do at least 6 times a day. In an effort to increase the 9291national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in 9292smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and 9293most importantly, to smile. Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly 9294that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for 9295Tubby Ackerman. But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around 9296parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox 9297decided to give him a break. If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have 9298a sheepish grin. This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly 9299sheepish grin" comes from. 9300% 9301According to all the latest reports, 9302there was no truth in any of the earlier reports. 9303% 9304According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person 9305shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than 9306fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening 9307of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of 9308the returns." 9309% 9310According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold, 9311and according to convention, there is an order. In truth, there are atoms 9312and a void. 9313 -- Democritus, 400 B.C. 9314% 9315According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least 9316once a year. 9317% 9318According to my best recollection, I don't remember. 9319 -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo 9320% 9321According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are 9322totally worthless. 9323% 9324According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never 9325dies. 9326% 9327According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to 9328live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came 9329in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. 9330Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime. 9331 -- David Letterman 9332% 9333Accordion, n.: 9334 A bagpipe with pleats. 9335% 9336Accuracy, n.: 9337 The vice of being right. 9338% 9339Acid -- better living through chemistry. 9340% 9341Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality. 9342% 9343Acquaintance, n.: 9344 A person whom we know well enough to borrow from but not well 9345 enough to lend to. A degree of friendship called slight when the 9346 object is poor or obscure, and intimate when he is rich or famous. 9347 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9348% 9349Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing. 9350% 9351Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh 9352and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh, 9353well, I think of my sex life. 9354 -- Glenda Jackson 9355% 9356Actor Real Name 9357 9358Boris Karloff William Henry Pratt 9359Cary Grant Archibald Leach 9360Edward G. Robinson Emmanual Goldenburg 9361Gene Wilder Gerald Silberman 9362John Wayne Marion Morrison 9363Kirk Douglas Issur Danielovitch 9364Richard Burton Richard Jenkins, Jr. 9365Roy Rogers Leonard Slye 9366Woody Allen Allen Stewart Konigsberg 9367% 9368Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had 9369 everyone glued in their seats!" 9370Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of 9371 it!" 9372% 9373Actor: So what do you do for a living? 9374Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving 9375 dishes for Chinese restaurants. 9376 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 9377% 9378Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families. 9379% 9380Actresses will happen in the best regulated families. 9381 -- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford, 9382 "The Entirely New Cynic's Calendar", 1905 9383% 9384Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me. 9385% 9386Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator 9387will be going in the right direction. Proof by induction: 9388 9389N=1. Trivially true, since both you and the elevator 9390 only have one floor to go to. 9391 9392Assume true for N, prove for N+1: 9393 If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the 9394 induction hypothesis. If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you 9395 and the elevator have only one choice, namely down. Therefore, 9396 it is true for all N+1 floors. 9397QED. 9398% 9399Ad astra per aspera. (To the stars by aspiration.) 9400% 9401ADA: 9402 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in 9403 Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop 9404 an ADA awareness. 9405 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 9406% 9407Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit. 9408[Add little to little and there will be a big pile.] 9409 -- Ovid 9410% 9411Adding features does not necessarily increase 9412functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker. 9413% 9414Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. 9415 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" 9416 9417Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by 9418close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and 9419scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein. 9420 -- George Washington (1732-1799) 9421% 9422Adding sound to movies would be like 9423putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo. 9424 -- Mary Pickford, actress, 1925 9425% 9426Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done 9427something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a 9428decorous age. 9429 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 9430% 9431Adler's Distinction: 9432 Language is all that separates us from the lower animals, 9433 and from the bureaucrats. 9434% 9435Admiration, n.: 9436 Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. 9437 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9438% 9439Adolescence, n.: 9440 The stage between puberty and adultery. 9441% 9442Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look 9443like you ... 9444 -- Gilda Radner 9445% 9446Adore, v.: 9447 To venerate expectantly. 9448 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9449% 9450Adult, n.: 9451 One old enough to know better. 9452% 9453Adults die young. 9454% 9455Advancement in position. 9456% 9457Advertisements contain the only 9458truths to be relied on in a newspaper. 9459 -- Thomas Jefferson 9460% 9461Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest 9462way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless. 9463 -- Sinclair Lewis 9464% 9465Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket. 9466 -- George Orwell 9467% 9468Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human 9469intelligence long enough to get money from it. 9470% 9471Advertising Rule: 9472 In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the 9473 reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, 9474 that it is curable. 9475% 9476Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once. 9477% 9478Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it. 9479% 9480Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic, 9481then at least be aseptic. 9482% 9483African violet: Such worth is rare 9484Apple blossom: Preference 9485Bachelor's button: Celibacy 9486Bay leaf: I change but in death 9487Camellia: Reflected loveliness 9488Chrysanthemum, red: I love 9489Chrysanthemum, white: Truth 9490Chrysanthemum, other: Slighted love 9491Clover: Be mine 9492Crocus: Abuse not 9493Daffodil: Innocence 9494Forget-me-not: True love 9495Fuchsia: Fast 9496Gardenia: Secret, untold love 9497Honeysuckle: Bonds of love 9498Ivy: Friendship, fidelity, marriage 9499Jasmine: Amiability, transports of joy, sensuality 9500Leaves (dead): Melancholy 9501Lilac: Youthful innocence 9502Lily: Purity, sweetness 9503Lily of the valley: Return of happiness 9504Magnolia: Dignity, perseverance 9505 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning. 9506% 9507After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European 9508comparative law. In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited, 9509except that which is permitted. In France, under the law, everything 9510is permitted, except that which is prohibited. In the Soviet Union, 9511under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is 9512permitted. And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted, 9513especially that which is prohibited. 9514 -- Newton Minow, 1985, 9515 Speech to the Association of American Law Schools 9516% 9517After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out. 9518It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life 9519more advanced than the lichen family. 9520 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do" 9521% 9522After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. 9523% 9524After a while you learn the subtle difference 9525Between holding a hand and chaining a soul, 9526And you learn that love doesn't mean security, 9527And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts 9528And presents aren't promises 9529And you begin to accept your defeats 9530With your head up and your eyes open, 9531With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child, 9532And you learn to build all your roads 9533On today because tomorrow's ground 9534Is too uncertain. And futures have 9535A way of falling down in midflight, 9536After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. 9537So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting 9538For someone to bring you flowers. 9539And you learn that you really can endure... 9540That you really are strong, 9541And you really do have worth 9542And you learn and learn 9543With every goodbye you learn. 9544 -- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn" 9545% 9546After all, all he did was string together 9547a lot of old, well-known quotations. 9548 -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare 9549% 9550After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. 9551% 9552After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best. 9553 -- Jean Giraudoux 9554% 9555After all my erstwhile dear, 9556My no longer cherished, 9557Need we say it was not love, 9558Just because it perished? 9559 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay 9560% 9561After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not 9562for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have 9563simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. 9564 -- P. J. O'Rourke 9565% 9566After an instrument has been assembled, 9567extra components will be found on the bench. 9568% 9569After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the 9570month than you did before. 9571% 9572After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose 9573names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary 9574Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted 9575many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi 9576Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two 9577different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current 9578developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer 9579attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led 9580to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, 9581skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously 9582injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it 9583hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact 9584that it sinks like a stone. 9585 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 9586% 9587After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, 9588claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life 9589in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his 9590bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the 9591judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000. 9592 When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check, 9593Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with 9594this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you 9595take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for 9596perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?" 9597 "My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to 9598Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes -- 9599where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle." 9600% 9601After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of 9602the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the 9603cost to others, to win advancement. 9604 -- Norman Thomas 9605% 9606After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK? 9607% 9608After living in New York, you trust nobody, 9609but you believe everything. Just in case. 9610% 9611...[after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles 9612Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years 9613I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors, 9614and vice versa," probably an accurate analysis) was asked whether the 9615Russians might beat the Americans into orbit. "I wouldn't care if they 9616did," he responded. (It was later claimed that Wilson favored the 9617development of the automatic transmission so that he could drive with 9618one foot in his mouth.) 9619 -- Smithsonian's Air&Space Magazine, "The Day the Rocket Died" 9620% 9621After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box. 9622 -- Italian proverb 9623% 9624After the ground war began, captured Iraqi soldiers said any of them caught 9625by superiors wearing a white T-shirt would be executed because of the ease 9626with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags. Some Iraqi soldiers 9627carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white. 9628 -- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991 9629% 9630After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access 9631cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been removed. 9632% 9633After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that 9634throws some doubt on Millikan's leading role in these experiments. Harvey 9635Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago, 9636at Millikan's suggestion worked on the measurement of electronic charge for 9637his doctoral thesis, and co-authored some of the early papers on this subject 9638with Millikan. Fletcher left a manuscript with a friend with instructions 9639that it be published after his death; the manuscript was published in 9640Physics Today, June 1982, page 43. In it, Fletcher claims that he was the 9641first to do the experiment with oil drops, was the first to measure charges on 9642single droplets, and may have been the first to suggest the use of oil. 9643According to Fletcher, he had expected to be co-authored with Millikan on 9644the crucial first article announcing the measurement of the electronic 9645charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan. 9646 -- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles" 9647 9648Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really 9649precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the 9650Nobel Prize in 1923. 9651% 9652After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with 9653the man who said, "No news is good news." In twenty-eight papers, only 9654the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of 9655any interest... but even then the interest items are usually buried 9656deep around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont. on ...") page... 9657 9658The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa. The 9659Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all. 9660But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line 9661or so that says something like: "When he finished his speech, Muskie 9662burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the 9663neck. They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an 9664oriental woman who seemed to be in control." 9665 9666Now that's good journalism. Totally objective; very active and 9667straight to the point. 9668 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" 9669% 9670After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is, 9671indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem. 9672% 9673After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER! 9674% 9675Afternoon, n.: 9676 That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the 9677morning. 9678% 9679Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change. 9680% 9681Against Idleness and Mischief 9682 9683How doth the little busy bee How skillfully she builds her cell! 9684Improve each shining hour, How neat she spreads the wax! 9685And gather honey all the day And labours hard to store it well 9686From every opening flower! With the sweet food she makes. 9687 9688In works of labour or of skill In books, or work, or healthful play, 9689I would be busy too; Let my first years be passed, 9690For Satan finds some mischief still That I may give for every day 9691For idle hands to do. Some good account at last. 9692 -- Isaac Watts (1674-1748) 9693% 9694Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain. 9695 -- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6 9696% 9697Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill. 9698% 9699Age before beauty; and pearls before swine. 9700 -- Dorothy Parker 9701% 9702Age is a tyrant who forbids, 9703at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth. 9704% 9705Age, n.: 9706 That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we 9707 still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the 9708 enterprise to commit. 9709 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9710% 9711Agnes' Law: 9712 Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of. 9713% 9714Agree with them now, it will save so much time. 9715% 9716Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach, 9717Or what's a heaven for ? 9718 -- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto" 9719% 9720Ah, but the choice of dreams to live, 9721there's the rub. 9722 9723For all dreams are not equal, 9724some exit to nightmare 9725most end with the dreamer 9726 9727But at least one must be lived ... and died. 9728% 9729Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me, 9730"How good, how good does it feel to be free?" 9731And I answer them most mysteriously: 9732"Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?" 9733 -- Bob Dylan 9734% 9735Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball. 9736% 9737Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over! 9738% 9739Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts! 9740% 9741"Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the 9742Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact 9743that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately 9744unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep 9745up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers." 9746 -- An analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic 9747% 9748Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu. 9749% 9750Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany. It 9751excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude. 9752% 9753Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star. 9754 -- W. Clement Stone 9755% 9756Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing. 9757 -- The Mad Dogtender 9758% 9759Ain't nothin' an old man can do for me but 9760bring me a message from a young man. 9761 -- Moms Mabley 9762% 9763Ain't that something what happened today. One of us got traded to 9764Kansas City. 9765 -- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd 9766 been traded 9767% 9768Air Force Inertia Axiom: 9769 Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness. 9770% 9771Air is water with holes in it. 9772% 9773Air, n.: 9774 A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for 9775 the fattening of the poor. 9776 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9777% 9778Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose. 9779% 9780Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value. 9781 -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, 9782 Ecole Superieure de Guerre 9783% 9784Al didn't smile for forty years. You've got to admire a man like that. 9785 -- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman" 9786% 9787Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether 9788machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about 9789as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim. 9790 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 9791% 9792Alas, how love can trifle with itself! 9793 -- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona" 9794% 9795Alas, I am dying beyond my means. 9796 -- Oscar Wilde [as he sipped champagne on his deathbed] 9797% 9798ALASKA: 9799 A prelude to "No." 9800% 9801Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself 9802or not. Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has 9803a beginning and an end. Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and 9804Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm. 9805 -- Tom Robbins 9806% 9807Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire 9808telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New 9809York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? 9810And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they 9811receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." 9812% 9813ALBRECHT'S LAW: 9814 Social innovations tend to the level 9815 of minimum tolerable well-being. 9816% 9817Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions. 9818The surest poison is time. 9819 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Society and Solitude" 9820% 9821Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life. 9822 -- George Bernard Shaw 9823% 9824Alden's Laws: 9825 (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause 9826 of pregnancy. 9827 (2) Always be backlit. 9828 (3) Sit down whenever possible. 9829% 9830Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, 9831Aleph-null bottles of beer, 9832 You take one down, and pass it around, 9833Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall. 9834% 9835Alex Haley was adopted! 9836% 9837Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting 9838for a dial tone. 9839% 9840Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was 9841the closest our country has ever been to being even. 9842 -- The Best of Will Rogers 9843% 9844Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about. 9845 -- Philippe Schnoebelen 9846% 9847Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most 9848important programming language yet developed. 9849 -- T. Cheatham 9850% 9851ALGORITHM: 9852 Trendy dance for hip programmers. 9853% 9854Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth. 9855% 9856Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of 9857them keeps paying for it. 9858 -- Peggy Joyce 9859% 9860Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse. 9861 -- Arthur Baer 9862% 9863Alimony is the curse of the writing classes. 9864 -- Norman Mailer 9865% 9866Alimony is the high cost of leaving. 9867% 9868Aliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est. 9869% 9870Alive without breath, 9871As cold as death; 9872Never thirsty, ever drinking, 9873All in mail ever clinking. 9874% 9875All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire. 9876% 9877All art is but imitation of nature. 9878 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca 9879% 9880All bad precedents began as justifiable measures. 9881 -- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of 9882 Catiline", by Sallust 9883% 9884All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely 9885than others. 9886 -- Alan Truscott 9887% 9888All business is based on the mutual trust of one of the parts. 9889 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 9890% 9891All constants are variables. 9892% 9893All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means. 9894 -- Chou En Lai 9895% 9896All extremists should be taken out and shot. 9897% 9898All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing 9899without thinking. 9900% 9901All flesh is grass. 9902 -- Isaiah 40:6 9903Smoke a friend today. 9904% 9905All generalizations are false, including this one. 9906 -- Mark Twain 9907% 9908All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, 9909barely presentable. 9910 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 9911% 9912All Gods were immortal. 9913 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts" 9914% 9915All great discoveries are made by mistake. 9916 -- Young 9917% 9918All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time. 9919% 9920All heiresses are beautiful. 9921 -- John Dryden 9922% 9923All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky, 9924to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing. 9925 -- Yoda 9926% 9927All hope abandon, ye who enter here! 9928 -- Dante Alighieri 9929% 9930All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. 9931% 9932All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own 9933importance. 9934% 9935All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard, 9936ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas. 9937 -- Kingfish 9938% 9939All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that 9940makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and 9941an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead. 9942 -- Samuel Beckett 9943% 9944All I need to have a good time, 9945Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine. 9946With those three things I don't need no sunshine, 9947A reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine. 9948 9949All I want is to never grow old, 9950I want to wash in a bathtub of gold. 9951I want 97 kilos already rolled, 9952I want to wash in a bathtub of gold. 9953 9954I want to light my cigars with 10 dollar bills, 9955I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills. 9956I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled, 9957I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills. 9958 -- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah" 9959% 9960All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. 9961 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 9962% 9963All intelligent species own cats. 9964% 9965All is fear in love and war. 9966% 9967All is well that ends well. 9968 -- John Heywood 9969% 9970All I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the 9971throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson. "Be 9972practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table. Well, Laurie 9973Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers 9974that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think, 9975that have queens as sovereign rulers. That's probably my best shot. 9976% 9977All kings is mostly rapscallions. 9978 -- Mark Twain 9979% 9980All laws are simulations of reality. 9981 -- John C. Lilly 9982% 9983All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities. 9984 -- Richard Dawkins 9985% 9986All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are 9987Socrates. 9988 -- Woody Allen 9989% 9990All men have the right to wait in line. 9991% 9992All men know the utility of useful things; 9993but they do not know the utility of futility. 9994 -- Chuang Tzu 9995% 9996All men profess honesty as long as they can. 9997To believe all men honest would be folly. 9998To believe none so is something worse. 9999 -- John Quincy Adams 10000% 10001All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car, 10002a cat, no maybe a dog. Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog. 10003Definitely a dog. 10004% 10005All most people ask of life is a constant 10006and exaggerated sense of their own importance. 10007% 10008All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get. 10009% 10010All my friends and I are crazy. 10011That's the only thing that keeps us sane. 10012% 10013All my friends are getting married, 10014Yes, they're all growing old, 10015They're all staying home on the weekend, 10016They're all doing what they're told. 10017% 10018All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more specific. 10019 -- Jane Wagner 10020% 10021ALL NEW: 10022 Parts not interchangeable with previous model. 10023% 10024All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from 10025the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded. 10026% 10027All of the animals except man know that 10028the principal business of life is to enjoy it. 10029% 10030All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs 10031synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to 10032rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all 10033of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." 10034 -- Steven Wright 10035% 10036All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies. 10037 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "The Book of Bokonon" 10038% 10039All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a 10040Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, 10041tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks: 10042"Just lie down on the floor and keep calm." 10043 -- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You" 10044% 10045All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of 10046the United States. 10047 -- Vic Gold 10048% 10049All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the 10050parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you 10051can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do 10052not use a hammer. 10053 -- IBM maintenance manual, 1925 10054% 10055All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats. 10056 -- Groucho Marx 10057% 10058All phone calls are obscene. 10059 -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon 10060% 10061All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no. 10062 -- Susan Sontag 10063% 10064All power corrupts, but we need electricity. 10065% 10066All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts 10067those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds 10068of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end 10069goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger, 10070and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works, 10071the result is indisputable: "This time it will surely run," or "I just found 10072the last bug." 10073 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" 10074% 10075All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. 10076% 10077All progress is based upon a universal innate desire of every organism 10078to live beyond its income. 10079 -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks" 10080% 10081All science is either physics or stamp collecting. 10082 -- Ernest Rutherford 10083% 10084All seems condemned in the long run 10085to approximate a state akin to Gaussian noise. 10086 -- James Martin 10087% 10088All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right hands. 10089 -- Saint Patrick 10090% 10091All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism. 10092% 10093All that glitters has a high refractive index. 10094% 10095All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost. 10096% 10097All that is gold does not glitter, 10098Not all those who wander are lost; 10099The old that is strong does not wither, 10100Deep roots are not reached by the frost. 10101From the ashes a fire shall be woken, 10102A light from the shadows shall spring; 10103Renewed shall be blade that was broken, 10104The crownless again shall be king. 10105 -- J. R. R. Tolkien 10106% 10107All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, 10108too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you 10109subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you 10110can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. 10111Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax 10112decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What 10113if it rains?" 10114 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 10115% 10116All the evidence concerning the universe 10117has not yet been collected, so there's still hope. 10118% 10119All the lines have been written There's been Sandburg, 10120It's sad but it's true Keats, Poe and McKuen 10121With all the words gone, They all had their day 10122What's a young poet to do? And knew what they're doin' 10123 10124But of all the words written The bird is a strange one, 10125And all the lines read, So small and so tender 10126There's one I like most, Its breed still unknown, 10127And by a bird it was said! Not to mention its gender. 10128 10129It reminds me of days of So what is this line 10130Both gloom and of light. Whose author's unknown 10131It still lifts my spirits And still makes me giggle 10132And starts the day right. Even now that I'm grown? 10133 10134I've read all the greats 10135Both starving and fat, 10136But none was as great as 10137"I tot I taw a puddy tat." 10138 -- Etta Stallings, "An Ode To Childhood" 10139% 10140All the men on my staff can type. 10141 -- Bella Abzug 10142% 10143...all the modern inconveniences... 10144 -- Mark Twain 10145% 10146All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most 10147ridiculous ones. 10148 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld 10149% 10150All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow. 10151 -- Grant Wood 10152% 10153All the simple programs have been written. 10154% 10155All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by 10156the government in less than a second. 10157 -- Jim Fiebig 10158% 10159All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly. 10160% 10161All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately un-rehearsed. 10162 -- Sean O'Casey 10163% 10164All the world's a VAX, 10165And all the coders merely butchers; 10166They have their exits and their entrails; 10167And one int in his time plays many widths, 10168His sizeof being _N bytes. At first the infant, 10169Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms. 10170And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun, 10171And shining morning face, creeping like slug 10172Unwillingly to school. 10173 -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11 10174% 10175All theoretical chemistry is really physics; 10176and all theoretical chemists know it. 10177 -- Richard P. Feynman 10178% 10179All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door. 10180% 10181All things being equal, you are bound to lose. 10182% 10183All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed. 10184 -- William Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 10185% 10186All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, 10187it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score. 10188 -- Henry Tyroon 10189% 10190All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. 10191% 10192All warranty and guarantee clauses 10193become null and void upon payment of invoice. 10194% 10195All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes 10196infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in 10197which he was born. 10198 -- Francois Fenelon 10199% 10200All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each 10201other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information. 10202This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with 10203our lives." 10204 -- Lewis Thomas, "The Lives of a Cell" 10205% 10206All who joy would win Must share it -- 10207Happiness was born a twin. 10208 -- Lord Byron 10209% 10210All your files have been destroyed (sorry). Paul. 10211% 10212All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent 10213upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a 10214visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is 10215informing, stimulating and ennobling. 10216 -- H. L. Mencken 10217% 10218Allen's Axiom: 10219 When all else fails, read the instructions. 10220% 10221Alliance, n.: 10222 In international politics, the union of two thieves who have 10223 their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they 10224 cannot separately plunder a third. 10225 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10226% 10227All's well that ends. 10228% 10229Almost anything derogatory you could say 10230about today's software design would be accurate. 10231 -- K. E. Iverson 10232% 10233Alone, adj.: 10234 In bad company. 10235 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10236% 10237Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf. Then they had 10238to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration. 10239% 10240alta, v: To change; make or become different; modify. 10241ansa, v: A spoken or written reply, as to a question. 10242baa, n: A place people meet to have a few drinks. 10243Baaston, n: The capital of Massachusetts. 10244baaba, n: One whose business is to cut or trim hair or beards. 10245beea, n: An alcoholic beverage brewed from malt and hops, often 10246 found in baas. 10247caaa, n: An automobile. 10248centa, n: A point around which something revolves; axis. (Or 10249 someone involved with the Knicks.) 10250chouda, n: A thick seafood soup, often in a milk base. 10251dada, n: Information, esp. information organized for analysis or 10252 computation. 10253 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary 10254% 10255Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight 10256Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. 10257 -- Dave Barry 10258% 10259Although it is still a truism in industry that "no one was ever fired for 10260buying IBM," Bill O'Neil, the chief technology officer at Drexel Burnham 10261Lambert, says he knows for a fact that someone has been fired for just that 10262reason. He knows it because he fired the guy. 10263 "He made a bad decision, and what it came down to was, 'Well, I 10264bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,'" Mr. O'Neil says. 10265"I said, 'No. Wrong. Game over. Next contestant, please.'" 10266 -- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989 10267% 10268Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away. 10269% 10270Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, 10271mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have 10272any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place 10273to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, 10274Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a 10275serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the 10276same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely 10277that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A 10278penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job 10279running the post office. 10280 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 10281% 10282Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been 10283reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the day-to-day 10284life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable interest to outdoor 10285minded readers, as it contains many passages on pheasant-raising, the 10286apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, and other chores and duties 10287of the professional gamekeeper. Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade 10288through many pages of extraneous material in order to discover and savour 10289those sidelights on the management of a midland shooting estate, and in this 10290reviewer's opinion the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical 10291Gamekeeping." 10292 -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959) 10293% 10294Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back. 10295% 10296Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. 10297 -- Mark Twain 10298% 10299Always draw your curves, then plot your reading. 10300% 10301Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out. 10302% 10303Always run from a knife and rush a gun. 10304 -- Jimmy Hoffa 10305% 10306Always store beer in a dark place. 10307% 10308Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits. 10309 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" 10310% 10311Always there remain portions of our heart 10312into which no one is able to enter, invite them as we may. 10313% 10314Always think of something new; this 10315helps you forget your last rotten idea. 10316 -- Seth Frankel 10317% 10318Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing 10319that way. 10320% 10321Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves. 10322% 10323AMAZING BUT TRUE... 10324 If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to 10325 end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful. 10326% 10327AMAZING BUT TRUE... 10328 There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it 10329 were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert. 10330% 10331Ambidextrous, adj.: 10332 Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. 10333 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10334% 10335AMBIGUITY: 10336 Telling the truth when you don't mean to. 10337% 10338Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. 10339 -- Charlie McCarthy 10340% 10341Ambition, n.: 10342 An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while 10343 living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. 10344 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10345% 10346America: born free and taxed to death. 10347% 10348America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up. 10349 -- Oscar Wilde 10350% 10351America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood? 10352 -- Allen Ginsberg 10353% 10354America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned, 10355and the scum rises to the top. 10356 -- Utah Phillips 10357% 10358America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort. 10359 -- President John F. Kennedy 10360 10361The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not 10362be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but 10363living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil 10364Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so. 10365 -- Adlai E. Stevenson 10366 10367The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that 10368from time to time threaten freedoms everywhere... Indeed, it is difficult 10369to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the 10370Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights 10371of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised 10372by the majority they were at the time. 10373 -- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren 10374% 10375America is the country where you buy a lifetime 10376supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks. 10377% 10378America may be unique in being a country which has leapt 10379from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization. 10380 -- John O'Hara 10381% 10382America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, 10383until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and 10384changed its name to "America". 10385 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 10386% 10387America works less, when you say "Union Yes!" 10388% 10389American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective 10390employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for 10391employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference 10392between the men's room and the women's room without having little 10393pictures on the doors. 10394 -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister" 10395% 10396American by birth; Texan by the grace of God. 10397% 10398American cars are made shoddily... 10399Cars made overseas are far superior. 10400 -- Barry Goldwater 10401% 10402[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything 10403we allow them short of hanging. 10404 -- Samuel Johnson 10405 10406America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its 10407tail it knocks over a chair. 10408 -- Arnold Toynbee 10409 10410The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to 10411everybody and still nobody likes him. 10412 -- Jim Samuels 10413% 10414Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense. 10415% 10416Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out 10417to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization. 10418 -- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus" 10419% 10420America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person. 10421% 10422Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it. 10423% 10424AMOEBIT: 10425 Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply 10426 and divide at the same time. 10427% 10428Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman. 10429 -- St. John Chrysostom (304-407) 10430% 10431Among the lucky, you are the chosen one. 10432% 10433An acid is like a woman: a good one will eat through your pants. 10434 -- Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live 10435% 10436An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening. 10437 -- Marlon Brando 10438% 10439An Ada exception is when a routine gets 10440in trouble and says "Beam me up, Scotty." 10441% 10442An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms. 10443% 10444An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because 10445people refuse to see it. 10446 -- James Michener, "Space" 10447% 10448An Aggie farmer was lifting his hogs, one by one, up to the branches of 10449his apple trees to graze on the apples. A Texas student walked by and 10450asked him, "Doesn't that take a lot of time?" 10451 Replied the Aggie, "What's time to a hog?" 10452% 10453An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do. 10454 -- Dylan Thomas 10455% 10456An algorithm must be seen to be believed. 10457 -- Donald E. Knuth 10458% 10459An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad 10460to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country. 10461 -- Sir Henry Wotton (1568-1639) 10462% 10463An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment 10464to a motion may not be amended. However, a substitute for an amendment to 10465and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended. 10466 -- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English 10467 language. 10468% 10469An American is a man with two arms and four wheels. 10470 -- A Chinese child 10471% 10472An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize 10473winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen. He was amazed to find that 10474over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the 10475open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not 10476let it spill out). The American said with a nervous laugh, 10477 "Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck, 10478do you, Professor Bohr? After all, as a scientist --" 10479Bohr chuckled. 10480 "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am 10481scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told 10482that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not." 10483% 10484An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian 10485about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars. 10486 10487American: "I can't believe you don't have cars here! How do you 10488 get to work?" 10489Russian: "We take the bus, or the subway. We have public 10490 transportation everywhere." 10491A: "Well, how do you go on vacations?" 10492R: "We take the train." 10493A: "Well, what if you want to go abroad?" 10494R: "We don't ever want go abroad." 10495A: "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?" 10496R: "We take tanks." 10497% 10498An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize 10499the president but is always polite to traffic cops. 10500% 10501An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to 10502New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but 10503not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax. 10504 -- David Letterman 10505% 10506An aphorism is never exactly true; 10507it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths. 10508 -- Karl Kraus 10509% 10510An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat 10511him last. 10512 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1954 10513% 10514An apple a day makes 365 apples a year. 10515% 10516An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away. 10517% 10518An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it. 10519% 10520An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support. 10521% 10522An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways. 10523 -- Isaac Asimov 10524% 10525An attachment a la Plato 10526for a bashful young potato 10527or a, not too French, french bean 10528must excite your languid spleen. 10529For, if you walk down Picadilly 10530with a poppy or lily 10531in your medieval hand, 10532every one will say, 10533as you walk your flowery way; 10534"If this young man is content, 10535with a vegetable love 10536which would certainly not content me. 10537Why, what a very pure young man 10538this pure young man must be!" 10539 -- W. S. Gilbert, "Patience" 10540 [The subject of the humour is of course, Oscar Wilde] 10541% 10542An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree 10543murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's 10544mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border. 10545Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the 10546suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a 10547murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..." 10548% 10549An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you 10550really care to know. 10551% 10552An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume. 10553% 10554An economist is a man who would marry 10555Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money. 10556% 10557An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff. 10558 -- Adlai E. Stevenson 10559% 10560An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. 10561% 10562An efficient and a successful administration manifests 10563itself equally in small as in great matters. 10564 -- Winston Churchill 10565% 10566An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet, 10567in mid-air, on both sides of an issue. 10568 -- Homer Ferguson 10569% 10570An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane 10571when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island. When 10572several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a 10573despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his 10574usual pledge to the United Way Campaign. 10575 "We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband 10576barked. "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but 10577I've already paid them half of it." 10578 "You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed 10579euphorically. "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us! They'll find us!" 10580% 10581An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. 10582% 10583An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an 10584anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt 10585already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the 10586engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later 10587the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now 10588has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the 10589mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he 10590was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of 10591humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too 10592trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny. 10593% 10594An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN. 10595% 10596An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded 10597summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your 10598arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey 10599responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!" 10600% 10601An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. 10602 -- A. P. Herbert 10603% 10604An evil mind is a great comfort. 10605% 10606An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He 10607wears a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is 10608advertised only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and 10609Rich Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in 10610incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote 10611excellence: 10612 10613"The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and 10614discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able 10615to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting 10616things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch 10617parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a 10618timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who 10619doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful. 10620Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high 10621school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as 10622successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and 10623they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha." 10624 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 10625% 10626An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future. 10627% 10628...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and quite often 10629picturesque liar. 10630 -- Mark Twain 10631% 10632An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a 10633very narrow field. 10634 -- Niels Bohr 10635% 10636An expert is a person who avoids the small errors 10637as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy. 10638 -- Benjamin Stolberg 10639% 10640An expert is one who knows more and more about less 10641and less until he knows absolutely nothing about everything. 10642% 10643An eye in a blue face 10644Saw an eye in a green face. 10645"That eye is like this eye" 10646Said the first eye, 10647"But in low place, 10648Not in high place." 10649% 10650An Hacker there was, one of the finest sort 10651Who controlled the system; graphics was his sport. 10652A manly man, to be a wizard able; 10653Many a protected file he had sitting on his table. 10654His console, when he typed, a man might hear 10655Clicking and feeping wind as clear, 10656Aye, and as loud as does the machine room bell 10657Where my lord Hacker was Prior of the cell. 10658The Rule of good St Savage or St Doeppnor 10659As old and strict he tended to ignore; 10660He let go by the things of yesterday 10661And took the modern world's more spacious way. 10662He did not rate that text as a plucked hen 10663Which says that Hackers are not holy men. 10664And that a hacker underworked is a mere 10665Fish out of water, flapping on the pier. 10666That is to say, a hacker out of his cloister. 10667That was a text he held not worth an oyster. 10668And I agreed and said his views were sound; 10669Was he to study till his head wend round 10670Poring over books in the cloisters? Must he toil 10671As Andy bade and till the very soil? 10672Was he to leave the world upon the shelf? 10673Let Andy have his labor to himself! 10674 -- Chaucer 10675 [well, almost. Ed.] 10676% 10677An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought. 10678 -- Simon Cameron 10679 10680There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians. When 10681bought they stay bought. 10682 -- Bill Moyers 10683% 10684An honest tale speeds best being plainly told. 10685 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 10686% 10687An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these 10688eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as 10689possible. 10690 -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann" 10691% 10692An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. 10693% 10694An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit. 10695 -- Henry Ford 10696% 10697An idle mind is worth two in the bush. 10698% 10699An infallible method of conciliating a tiger 10700is to allow oneself to be devoured. 10701 -- Konrad Adenauer 10702% 10703An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself. 10704 -- Albert Camus 10705% 10706An interpretation I satisfies a sentence in the table language if and only if 10707each entry in the table designates the value of the function designated by the 10708function constant in the upper-left corner applied to the objects designated 10709by the corresponding row and column labels. 10710 -- Genesereth & Nilsson, 10711 "Logical foundations of Artificial Intelligence" 10712% 10713An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest. 10714 -- Benjamin Franklin 10715% 10716An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and 10717great-grandchildren gathered around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of 10718a deeply loved family member. The old man is in a light coma, and the doctors 10719have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four 10720hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes whispers: "I must be dreaming 10721of heaven... I smell my daughter Lisle's strudel." 10722 "No, no, grandfather, you are not dreaming", he is reassured. 10723"Grandmother is baking strudel right now." 10724 A faint smile crosses the old man's face. "Go and get me a sliver of 10725strudel," he says, "she bakes the finest strudel in the world." 10726 One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old 10727man's request, and, after what seems a long time, he returns empty-handed. 10728 "Did you bring me some of Lisle's strudel?", the old man quavers. 10729 "I'm... I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the 10730funeral." 10731% 10732An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience. 10733 -- Don Marquis 10734% 10735An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage. 10736A pessimist is a married optimist. 10737% 10738An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation. 10739% 10740An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition. 10741 -- Michael Korda 10742% 10743An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest. 10744 -- Spanish proverb 10745% 10746An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge. 10747% 10748Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no 10749government at all. 10750% 10751And all that the Lorax left here in this mess 10752was a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless." 10753Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn't guess. 10754That was long, long ago, and each day since that day, 10755I've worried and worried and worried away. 10756Through the years as my buildings have fallen apart, 10757I've worried about it with all of my heart. 10758 10759"BUT," says the Oncler, "now that you're here, 10760the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear! 10761UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, 10762nothing is going to get better - it's not. 10763So... CATCH!" cries the Oncler. He lets something fall. 10764"It's a truffula seed. It's the last one of all! 10765 10766"You're in charge of the last of the truffula seeds. 10767And truffula trees are what everyone needs. 10768Plant a new truffula -- treat it with care. 10769Give it clean water and feed it fresh air. 10770Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack. 10771Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!" 10772 -- Dr. Seuss, "The Lorax" 10773% 10774And as we stand on the edge of darkness 10775Let our chant fill the void 10776That others may know 10777 10778 In the land of the night 10779 The ship of the sun 10780 Is drawn by 10781 The grateful dead. 10782 -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC. 10783% 10784And did those feet, in ancient times, 10785Walk upon England's mountains green? 10786And was the Holy Lamb of God 10787In England's pleasant pastures seen? 10788And did the Countenance Divine 10789Shine forth upon these crowded hills? 10790And was Jerusalem builded here 10791Among these dark satanic mills? 10792 10793Bring me my bow of burning gold! 10794Bring me my arrows of desire! 10795Bring me my spears! O clouds unfold! 10796Bring me my chariot of fire! 10797I shall not cease from mental fight, 10798Nor shall my sword rest in my hand, 10799Till we have built Jerusalem 10800In England's green and pleasant land. 10801 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem" 10802% 10803And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel? 10804% 10805And ever has it been known that 10806love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation. 10807 -- Kahlil Gibran 10808% 10809And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower. "This," cried the Mayor, 10810"is your town's darkest hour! The time for all Whos who have blood that is red 10811to come to the aid of their country!" he said. "We've GOT to make noises in 10812greater amounts! So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!" Thus he 10813spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and 10814he shouted out, "YOPP!" 10815 And that Yopp... That one last small, extra Yopp put it over! 10816Finally, at last! From the speck on that clover their voices were heard! 10817They rang out clear and clean. And they elephant smiled. "Do you see what 10818I mean?" They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small. And their 10819whole world was saved by the smallest of All!" 10820 "How true! Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo. "And, from now 10821on, you know what I'm planning to do? From now on, I'm going to protect 10822them with you!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO! From 10823the sun in the summer. From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect 10824them. No matter how small-ish!" 10825 -- Dr. Seuss, "Horton Hears a Who" 10826% 10827And here I wait so patiently 10828Waiting to find out what price 10829You have to pay to get out of 10830Going thru all of these things twice 10831 -- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again" 10832% 10833And I alone am returned to wag the tail. 10834% 10835And I heard Jeff exclaim, 10836As they strolled out of sight, 10837"Merry Christmas to all -- 10838You take credit cards, right?" 10839 -- "Outsiders" comic 10840% 10841And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big 10842ones. The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them. The 10843little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about 10844them, aren't braced against them. 10845 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower" 10846% 10847And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free! 10848My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez 10849Addams -- he was good for nothing." 10850 -- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family 10851% 10852And if California slides into the ocean, 10853Like the mystics and statistics say it will. 10854I predict this motel will be standing, 10855Until I've paid my bill. 10856 -- Warren Zevon, "Desperados Under the Eaves" 10857% 10858And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee, 10859"Who kilt thee?", tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy! 10860% 10861And if you wonder, 10862What I am doing, 10863As I am heading for the sink. 10864I am spitting out all the bitterness, 10865Along with half of my last drink. 10866% 10867And in the heartbreak years that lie ahead, 10868Be true to yourself and the Grateful Dead. 10869 -- Joan Baez 10870% 10871And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing 10872what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions. 10873 -- David Jones 10874% 10875And malt does more than Milton can to justify God's ways to man. 10876 -- A. E. Housman 10877% 10878And miles to go before I sleep. 10879% 10880And now for something completely the same. 10881% 10882And now your toner's toney, Disk blocks aplenty 10883And your paper near pure white, Await your laser drawn lines, 10884The smudges on your soul are gone Your intricate fonts, 10885And your output's clean as light.. Your pictures and signs. 10886 10887We've labored with your father, Your amputative absence 10888The venerable XGP, Has made the Ten dumb, 10889But his slow artistic hand, Without you, Dover, 10890Lacks your clean velocity. We're system untounged- 10891 10892Theses and papers DRAW Plots and TEXage 10893And code in a queue Have been biding their time, 10894Dover, oh Dover, With LISP code and programs, 10895We've been waiting for you. And this crufty rhyme. 10896 10897Dover, oh Dover, Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead. 10898We welcome you back, Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed. 10899Though still you may jam, Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab. 10900You're on the right track. Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean 10901 hand... 10902% 10903And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it. 10904% 10905And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. 10906% 10907And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of 10908your own. 10909 -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter 10910 Preposterous Words 10911% 10912...and report cards I was always afraid to show 10913Mama'd come to school 10914and as I'd sit there softly cryin' 10915Teacher'd say he's just not tryin' 10916Got a good head if he'd apply it 10917but you know yourself 10918it's always somewhere else 10919I'd build me a castle 10920with dragons and kings 10921and I'd ride off with them 10922As I stood by my window 10923and looked out on those 10924Brooklyn roads 10925 -- Neil Diamond, "Brooklyn Roads" 10926% 10927And so it was, later, 10928As the miller told his tale, 10929That her face, at first just ghostly, 10930Turned a whiter shade of pale. 10931 -- Procol Harum 10932% 10933And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and 10934fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it 10935looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One 10936approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin 10937is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then 10938of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides 10939gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this 10940procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom 10941youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and 10942Orson Welles. 10943 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" 10944% 10945And that's the way it is... 10946 -- Walter Cronkite 10947% 10948And the crowd was stilled. One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence, 10949turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said. Wide-eyed, 10950the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no 10951clothes! He is naked!" 10952 -- "The Emperor's New Clothes" 10953% 10954And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that 10955black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and 10956penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while 10957white children begin with a small separation but increase it during 10958growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress. 10959 -- S. J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation" 10960% 10961And the silence came surging softly backwards 10962When the plunging hooves were gone... 10963 -- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners" 10964% 10965And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man 10966with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit. 10967% 10968And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a horizontal 10969rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical columnar supports, 10970which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, ma'am, are as advanced 10971in design as one will find anywhere in the world. 10972 -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men" 10973% 10974And this is good old Boston, 10975The home of the bean and the cod, 10976Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots, 10977And the Cabots talk only to God. 10978% 10979And tomorrow will be like today, only more so. 10980 -- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version 10981% 10982And we heard him exclaim 10983As he started to roam: 10984"I'm a hologram, kids, 10985please don't try this at home!'" 10986 -- Bob Violence 10987% 10988And what accomplished villains these old engineers were! What diabolical 10989ways to sabotage they found! Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's 10990Commissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the 10991economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to 10992give advice. One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size 10993of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads. The GPU 10994exposed van Meck, and he was shot: his objective had been to wear out rails 10995and roadbeds, freight cars and locomotives, so as to leave the Republic 10996without railroads in case of foreign military intervention! When, not long 10997afterward, the new People's Commissar of Railroads ordered that average 10998loads should be increased, and even doubled and tripled them, the malicious 10999engineers who protested became known as limiters ... they were rightly 11000shot for their lack of faith in the possibilities of socialist transport. 11001 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago" 11002% 11003And... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane? 11004 She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same. 11005 Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine 11006 All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?" 11007 -- The Grateful Dead 11008% 11009And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to 11010have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon 11011the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let 11012loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price: 11013in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest 11014license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value. 11015 -- Charles Dickens 11016% 11017And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have 11018a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks 11019tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets 11020tragedy face to face, we have politics. 11021 -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, 11022 "Root Crops and Ground Cover" 11023% 11024And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel, 11025because the bars close every time you're thirsty... 11026% 11027"And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for 11028you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going 11029and making yourself like everybody else. You feel that, don't you?" said 11030he, earnestly. 11031 -- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere" 11032% 11033Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes. 11034Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _n_e_e_d_s heroes. 11035 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo" 11036% 11037Andrea's Admonition: 11038 Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you. 11039 If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you, 11040 it isn't and he can. 11041% 11042ANDROPHOBIA: 11043 Fear of men. 11044% 11045Angels we have heard on High 11046Tell us to go out and Buy. 11047 -- Tom Lehrer 11048% 11049Anger is momentary madness. 11050 -- Horace 11051% 11052Anger kills as surely as the other vices. 11053% 11054Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen. 11055Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself. 11056 -- Lazarus Long 11057% 11058Ankh if you love Isis. 11059% 11060Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!! 11061 11062Be the envy of other major Communist Governments! 11063 11064Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with 11065just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile ICs, 11066cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all 11067at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans 11068think you can, and that's the point, right?) 11069% 11070Anoint, v.: 11071 To grease a king or other great functionary already sufficiently 11072 slippery. 11073 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 11074% 11075Another day, another dollar. 11076 -- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley, 11077 upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald 11078 Reagan. 11079% 11080Another flaw in the human character is that everybody wants to build 11081and nobody wants to do maintenance. 11082 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Hocus Pocus" 11083% 11084Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree. 11085% 11086Another megabytes the dust. 11087% 11088Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but 11089television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom 11090and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that 11091offers whiter teeth *_a_n_d* fresher breath. 11092 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do" 11093% 11094Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone. 11095 -- Pyrrhus 11096% 11097Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit. 11098 -- Proverbs 26:5 11099% 11100Anthony's Law of Force: 11101 Don't force it; get a larger hammer. 11102% 11103Anthony's Law of the Workshop: 11104 Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible 11105 corner of the workshop. 11106 11107Corollary: 11108 On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike 11109 your toes. 11110% 11111Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood. 11112Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy. 11113% 11114Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude. 11115% 11116Antonio Antonio 11117Was tired of living alonio 11118He thought he would woo Antonio Antonio 11119Miss Lucamy Lu, Rode off on his polo ponio 11120Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio. And found the maid 11121 In a bowery shade, 11122 Sitting and knitting alonio. 11123Antonio Antonio 11124Said if you will be my ownio 11125I'll love you true Oh nonio Antonio 11126And buy for you You're far too bleak and bonio 11127An icery creamry conio. And all that I wish 11128 You singular fish 11129 Is that you will quickly begonio. 11130Antonio Antonio 11131Uttered a dismal moanio 11132And went off and hid 11133Or I'm told that he did 11134In the Antarctical Zonio. 11135% 11136Antonym, n.: 11137 The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. 11138% 11139Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig 11140[a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off 11141Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians. These people love fast 11142cars. But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged. 11143Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on 11144them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention. 11145 -- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast 11146 cars across Europe. 11147% 11148Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts 11149which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development. 11150% 11151Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. 11152 -- Charles McCabe 11153% 11154Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a 11155mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside 11156than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring? 11157And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure? 11158Is there a better way to die? 11159 -- Charles Lindbergh 11160% 11161Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a 11162representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a 11163representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone 11164capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously. 11165 -- Richard Schickel 11166% 11167Any excuse will serve a tyrant. 11168 -- Aesop 11169% 11170Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that 11171this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a 11172whole week. 11173% 11174Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to 11175sell it. 11176% 11177Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know 11178how to lie well. 11179 -- Samuel Butler 11180% 11181Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look 11182stupid. 11183 -- Hedy Lamarr 11184% 11185Any given program will expand to fill available memory. 11186% 11187Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche 11188-- a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, 11189my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off 11190the fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was 11191undoubtedly true. 11192 -- Solomon Short 11193% 11194Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner. 11195% 11196Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit 11197rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out 11198of season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that 11199requires a heroism which is transcendent. 11200 -- Henry Ward Beecher 11201% 11202Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad. 11203 -- Leo Rosten, on W. C. Fields 11204% 11205Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be 11206liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall 11207be deemed to be a cat. 11208 -- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London 11209% 11210Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there. 11211 -- Sydney J. Harris 11212% 11213Any president should have the right to shoot 11214at least two people a year without explanation. 11215 -- Herbert Hoover, discussing the press 11216% 11217Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent. 11218 -- Lazarus Long 11219% 11220Any problem in computer science can be solved with another layer 11221of indirection. 11222 -- David Wheeler 11223% 11224Any program which runs right is obsolete. 11225% 11226Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used. 11227% 11228Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. 11229Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain. 11230From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain. 11231 -- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune" 11232% 11233Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger 11234object. 11235% 11236Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to 11237exactly the point of most pressure. 11238 -- Milt Barber 11239% 11240Any sufficiently advanced bug becomes a feature. 11241% 11242Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. 11243 -- Rich Kulawiec 11244% 11245Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged demo. 11246% 11247Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. 11248 -- Arthur C. Clarke 11249% 11250Any sufficiently simple directive can be obfuscated beyond reason 11251given proper legal counsel. 11252 -- Alfred Perlstein 11253% 11254Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked 11255something. 11256% 11257Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. 11258 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. 11259% 11260Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. 11261% 11262Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it. No citizen 11263has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government. 11264 -- J. P. Morgan 11265% 11266Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years 11267organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office. 11268 -- David Broder 11269% 11270Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the 11271sight of a police car is probably parked. 11272% 11273Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire. 11274% 11275Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right 11276person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose 11277and in the right way -- that is not easy. 11278 -- Aristotle 11279% 11280Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is 11281supposed to be doing at the moment. 11282 -- Robert Benchley 11283% 11284Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. 11285 -- Publilius Syrus 11286% 11287Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with 11288none. 11289% 11290Anyone can say "no." It is the first word a child learns and often the 11291first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no 11292explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for 11293intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of 11294thought on every occasion. 11295 -- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.) 11296% 11297Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty. 11298% 11299Anyone taking offence at fortune(s) is desperately lacking beer, in my 11300extremely humble opinion. 11301 -- Philip Paeps 11302% 11303Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he 11304is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not 11305make messes in the house. 11306 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 11307% 11308Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat. 11309 -- Robert A. Heinlein 11310% 11311Anyone who describes Islam as a religion as intolerant encourages violence. 11312 -- Tasnim Aslam, Spokesman for Pakistani Foreign Ministry 11313% 11314Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. 11315 -- Samuel Goldwyn 11316% 11317Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you 11318that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?" 11319is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime 11320mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress. 11321 -- Elizabeth Zwicky 11322% 11323Anyone who has had a bull by the tail 11324knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't. 11325 -- Mark Twain 11326% 11327Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad. 11328 -- W. C. Fields 11329% 11330Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time 11331as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes. 11332 -- Philippus Paracelsus 11333% 11334Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no 11335account be allowed to do the job. 11336 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 11337% 11338Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think, 11339recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one 11340particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people. 11341 -- Eleanor Roosevelt 11342% 11343Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. 11344 -- Groucho Marx 11345% 11346Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never 11347tried taking candy from a baby. 11348 -- Robin Hood 11349% 11350Anything anybody can say about America is true. 11351 -- Emmett Grogan 11352% 11353Anything cut to length will be too short. 11354% 11355Anything free is worth what you pay for it. 11356% 11357Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate. 11358% 11359Anything is possible on paper. 11360 -- Ron McAfee 11361% 11362Anything is possible, unless it's not. 11363% 11364Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. 11365The label means the price went up. 11366The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" 11367means the price went way up. 11368% 11369Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate. 11370% 11371Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto 11372undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth. 11373 -- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air" 11374% 11375Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. 11376% 11377Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this 11378big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around -- 11379nobody big, I mean -- except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy 11380cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go 11381over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're 11382going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do 11383all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye. I know it; I know it's crazy, 11384but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy. 11385 -- J. D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye" 11386% 11387Apathy Club meeting this Friday. 11388If you want to come, you're not invited. 11389% 11390Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution. 11391% 11392APHASIA: 11393 Loss of speech in social scientists when asked 11394 at parties, "But of what use is your research?" 11395% 11396Aphorism, n.: 11397 A concise, clever statement. 11398Afterism, n.: 11399 A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. 11400 -- James Alexander Thom 11401% 11402APL hackers do it in the quad. 11403% 11404APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of the 11405future for the programming techniques of the past: it creates a new generation 11406of coding bums. 11407 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 11408% 11409APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming; 11410...and is best for educational purposes. 11411 -- Alan J. Perlis 11412% 11413APL is a write-only language. I can write programs in APL, but I 11414can't read any of them. 11415 -- Roy Keir 11416% 11417Appearances often are deceiving. 11418 -- Aesop 11419% 11420APPENDIX: 11421 A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use. 11422% 11423Applause, n.: 11424 The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool. 11425 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 11426% 11427April is the cruelest month... 11428 -- Thomas Stearns Eliot 11429% 11430Aquadextrous, adj.: 11431 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off 11432with your toes. 11433 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 11434% 11435AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) 11436 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. 11437 You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to 11438 be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same 11439 mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid. 11440% 11441AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18) 11442 A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath. Rely 11443 on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot 11444 of trouble. Be relaxed, things will change. Look for a pink slip on 11445 payday. Stop wetting your bed. 11446% 11447AQUARIUS (Jan.20 - Feb.18) 11448 You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what 11449 you want. Don't expect things to get any better today, either. 11450 As a matter of fact they might get worse. Intensify your 11451 relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be 11452 able to lend you a few bucks. 11453% 11454Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential 11455ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common 11456cold. You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking 11457cap you can find. You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed, 11458then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap. I've 11459never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work. 11460 -- Peter Nelson 11461% 11462Arbitrary systems, pl.n.: 11463 Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing 11464general can be said." 11465% 11466ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE -- 11467 FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE 11468% 11469Are we not men? 11470% 11471Are we running light with overbyte? 11472% 11473Are Women Human? 11474In the year 584, in Lyon, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men 11475representing other bishops, after a lengthy debate, took a vote. 11476The results were 32 yes, 31 no. Women were declared human by one 11477vote. 11478% 11479Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 11480say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 11481 11482 Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard. 11483 Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave? 11484 If all your friends jumped off the cliff, would you jump too? 11485 Do you feel bad? How do you think I feel? 11486 Aren't you ashamed of yourself? 11487 Don't you know any better? 11488 How could you be so stupid? 11489 If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful. 11490 You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking. 11491 If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all. 11492% 11493Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 11494say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 11495 11496 Do as I say, not as I do. 11497 Do me a favour and don't tell me about it. I don't want to know. 11498 What did you do *this* time? 11499 If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you. 11500 When I was your age... 11501 I won't love you if you keep doing that. 11502 Think of all the starving children in India. 11503 If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar. 11504 I'm going to kill you. 11505 Way to go, clumsy. 11506 If you don't like it, you can lump it. 11507% 11508Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 11509say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 11510 11511 Go away. You bother me. 11512 Why? Because life is unfair. 11513 That's a nice drawing. What is it? 11514 Children should be seen and not heard. 11515 You'll be the death of me. 11516 You'll understand when you're older. 11517 Because. 11518 Wipe that smile off your face. 11519 I don't believe you. 11520 How many times have I told you to be careful? 11521 Just because. 11522% 11523Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 11524say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 11525 11526 Good children always obey. 11527 Quit acting so childish. 11528 Boys don't cry. 11529 If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way. 11530 Why do you have to know so much? 11531 This hurts me more than it hurts you. 11532 Why? Because I'm bigger than you. 11533 Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy? 11534 Oh, grow up. 11535 I'm only doing this because I love you. 11536% 11537Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 11538say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 11539 11540 When are you going to grow up? 11541 I'm only doing this for your own good. 11542 Why are you crying? Stop crying, or I'll give you something to 11543 cry about. 11544 What's wrong with you? 11545 Someday you'll thank me for this. 11546 You'd lose your head if it weren't attached. 11547 Don't you have any sense at all? 11548 If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off. 11549 Why? Because I said so. 11550 I hope you have a kid just like yourself. 11551% 11552Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 11553say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 11554 11555 You wouldn't understand. 11556 You ask too many questions. 11557 In order to be a man, you have to learn to follow orders. 11558 That's for me to know and you to find out. 11559 Don't let those bullies push you around. Go in there and stick 11560 up for yourself. 11561 You're acting too big for your britches. 11562 Well, you broke it. Now are you satisfied? 11563 Wait till your father gets home. 11564 Bored? If you're bored, I've got some chores for you. 11565 Shape up or ship out. 11566% 11567Are you a turtle? 11568% 11569Are you making all this up as you go along? 11570% 11571Are you sure the back door is locked? 11572% 11573Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours. 11574 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul 11575% 11576Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone 11577in good society holds exactly the same opinion. 11578 -- Oscar Wilde 11579% 11580Arguments with furniture are rarely productive. 11581 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 11582% 11583ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) 11584 You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You 11585 are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are 11586 not very nice. 11587% 11588ARIES (Mar.21 - Apr.19) 11589 You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person 11590 and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've 11591 got a mean streak in you a mile wide. 11592% 11593ARITHMETIC: 11594 An obscure art no longer practiced in 11595 the world's developed countries. 11596% 11597Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your shoes. 11598 -- Mickey Mouse 11599% 11600Armadillo, v.: 11601 To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle. 11602% 11603Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh 11604autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet 11605Union. 11606 -- P. J. O'Rourke 11607% 11608Armor's Axiom: 11609 Virtue is the failure to achieve vice. 11610% 11611Armstrong's Collection Law: 11612 If the check is truly in the mail, 11613 it is surely made out to someone else. 11614% 11615Arnold's Laws of Documentation: 11616 (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. 11617 (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. 11618 (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the 11619 first two laws. 11620% 11621Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to 11622measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you 11623imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long? 11624 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 11625% 11626Around the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrote 11627a satirical zoological-fantasy called "Le Carnaval des Animaux." Aside from 11628one movement of this piece, "The Swan", Saint-Saens didn't allow this work 11629to be published or even performed until a year had elapsed after his death. 11630(He died in 1921.) 11631 Most of us know the "Swan" movement rather well, with its smooth, 11632flowing cello melody against a calm background; but I've been having this 11633fantasy... 11634 What if he had written this piece with lyrics, as a song to be sung? 11635And, further, what if he had accompanied this song with a musical saw? (This 11636instrument really does exist, often played by percussionists!) Then the 11637piece would be better known as: 11638 SAINT-SAENS' SAW SONG "SWAN"! 11639% 11640Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's 11641incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here." 11642 -- Muad'dib, "Dune" 11643% 11644Art is a jealous mistress. 11645 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 11646% 11647Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth. 11648 -- Picasso 11649% 11650Art is anything you can get away with. 11651 -- Marshall McLuhan 11652% 11653Art is either plagiarism or revolution. 11654 -- Paul Gauguin 11655% 11656Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down. 11657 -- Chazal 11658% 11659"Art" is the ability to separate the significant from the insignificant. 11660 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 11661% 11662Art is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death. 11663% 11664Arthur's Laws of Love: 11665 (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you 11666 remind them of someone else. 11667 (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be 11668 delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of 11669 yourself in person. 11670% 11671Article the Third: 11672 Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should 11673 enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change. Public announcements and 11674 guided tours of the aforementioned are not necessary. 11675Article the Fourth: 11676 The decision to eat strained lamb or not should be with the "feedee" 11677 and not the "feeder". Blowing the strained lamb into the feeder's 11678 face should be accepted as an opinion, not as a declaration of war. 11679Article the Fifth: 11680 Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize, whether it be in church, 11681 a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the 11682 lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have 11683 to last a lifetime and must be conserved. 11684 -- Erma Bombeck, "A Baby's Bill of Rights" 11685% 11686Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as 11687artificial flowers have to flowers. 11688 -- David Parnas 11689% 11690Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum. 11691% 11692As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. 11693% 11694As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are 11695interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick 11696perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, 11697"that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ... 11698 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 11699% 11700As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and 11701I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist. 11702This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls. 11703 -- Matt Cartmill 11704% 11705As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing 11706a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker. 11707Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different 11708glass. 11709 The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out 11710with a spoon, flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass. 11711 The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With 11712a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer 11713down in one gulp. 11714 Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the 11715fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off. Then, in a 11716firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound. 11717NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!" 11718% 11719As crazy as hauling timber into the woods. 11720 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 11721% 11722As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp 11723the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at 11724a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off. 11725 -- Joseph Brodsky 11726% 11727As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not 11728certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. 11729 -- Albert Einstein 11730% 11731As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. 11732 -- Weisert 11733% 11734As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport. 11735 -- William Shakespeare, "King Lear" 11736% 11737As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em, 11738We may live with, but cannot live without 'em. 11739 -- Frederic Reynolds 11740% 11741As Gen. de Gaulle occasionally acknowledges America to be the daughter 11742of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard. 11743 -- John F. Kennedy 11744% 11745As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote. 11746% 11747As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought 11748the potato salad. 11749% 11750As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject of 11751religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction in the 11752methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless conversions -- 11753to anything -- less likely. Brian now realizes this and has, after eleven 11754years, left the sect he was associated with. The problem is that once the 11755untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy -- 11756and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and 11757high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are 11758surprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind. 11759 -- Steve Allen 11760% 11761As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very 11762pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!! 11763 -- Jack Handey 11764% 11765As I thought, no better from this side. 11766 -- Eeyore 11767% 11768As I was going up Punch Card Hill, 11769 Feeling worse and worser, 11770There I met a C.R.T. 11771 And it drop't me a cursor. 11772 11773C.R.T., C.R.T., 11774 Phosphors light on you! 11775If I had fifty hours a day 11776 I'd spend them all at you. 11777 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes 11778% 11779As I was passing Project MAC, 11780I met a Quux with seven hacks. 11781Every hack had seven bugs; 11782Every bug had seven manifestations; 11783Every manifestation had seven symptoms. 11784Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks, 11785How many losses at Project MAC? 11786% 11787As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day, 11788I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay, 11789The words were torn and tattered, 11790From the storm the night before, 11791The wind and rain had done its work and this is how it goes, 11792 11793Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys Spearmint beer, 11794Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear, 11795Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar, 11796And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star. 11797 11798Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigidaire, 11799Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear, 11800Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three, 11801And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea. 11802% 11803As in certain cults it is possible to 11804kill a process if you know its true name. 11805 -- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie 11806% 11807As in Protestant Europe, by contrast, where sects divided endlessly into 11808smaller competing sects and no church dominated any other, all is different 11809in the fragmented world of IBM. That realm is now a chaos of conflicting 11810norms and standards that not even IBM can hope to control. You can buy a 11811computer that works like an IBM machine but contains nothing made or sold by 11812IBM itself. Renegades from IBM constantly set up rival firms and establish 11813standards of their own. When IBM recently abandoned some of its original 11814standards and decreed new ones, many of its rivals declared a puritan 11815allegiance to IBM's original faith, and denounced the company as a divisive 11816innovator. Still, the IBM world is united by its distrust of icons and 11817imagery. IBM's screens are designed for language, not pictures. Graven 11818images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies 11819on the austerity of the word. 11820 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 11821% 11822As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great 11823industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free 11824speech and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to 11825myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a 11826real American talk like that. 11827 -- Frank Hague (1896-1956) 11828% 11829As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? 11830% 11831As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic 11832schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve 11833The Problem, saving the documentation for later. 11834% 11835As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination. 11836When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be popular. 11837 -- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions" 11838% 11839As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality. 11840One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly 11841useful and interesting, I just had to share it. 11842 11843Answer each of the following items "true" or "false" 11844 11845 1. I salivate at the sight of mittens. 11846 2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse. 11847 3. Some people never look at me. 11848 4. Spinach makes me feel alone. 11849 5. My sex life is A-okay. 11850 6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit. 11851 7. I like to kill mosquitoes. 11852 8. Cousins are not to be trusted. 11853 9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down. 1185410. I get nauseous from too much roller skating. 1185511. I think most people would cry to gain a point. 1185612. I cannot read or write. 1185713. I am bored by thoughts of death. 1185814. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me. 1185915. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker. 1186016. I am never startled by a fish. 1186117. My mother's uncle was a good man. 1186218. I don't like it when somebody is rotten. 1186319. People who break the law are wise guys. 1186420. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend. 11865% 11866As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality. 11867One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly 11868useful and interesting, I just had to share it. 11869 11870Answer each of the following items "true" or "false" 11871 11872 1. I think beavers work too hard. 11873 2. I use shoe polish to excess. 11874 3. God is love. 11875 4. I like mannish children. 11876 5. I have always been disturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears. 11877 6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools. 11878 7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye. 11879 8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs. 11880 9. I believe I smell as good as most people. 1188110. Frantic screams make me nervous. 1188211. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room 11883 full of mice. 1188412. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis. 1188513. A wide necktie is a sign of disease. 1188614. As a child I was deprived of licorice. 1188715. I would never shake hands with a gardener. 1188816. My eyes are always cold. 1188917. Cousins are not to be trusted. 1189018. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit. 1189119. I am never startled by a fish. 1189220. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend. 11893% 11894As me an' me marrer was readin' a tyape, 11895The tyape gave a shriek mark an' tried tae escyape; 11896It skipped ower the gyate tae the end of the field, 11897An' jigged oot the room wi' a spool an' a reel! 11898Follow the leader, Johnny me laddie, 11899Follow it through, me canny lad O; 11900Follow the transport, Johnny me laddie, 11901Away, lad, lie away, canny lad O! 11902 -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 11903% 11904As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10. 11905Please update your programs. 11906% 11907As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL. 11908Please update your programs. 11909% 11910As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. 11911% 11912As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of 11913the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents: 11914 11915News articles that answer *your* questions, #1: 11916 11917 Newsgroups: comp.sources.d 11918 Subject: how do I run C code received from sources 11919 Keywords: C sources 11920 Distribution: na 11921 11922 I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the 11923 sources newsgroup. I save the files, edit them to remove the 11924 headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I 11925 cannot get them to run. (I have never written a C program before.) 11926 11927 Must they be compiled? With what compiler? How do I do this? If 11928 I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate 11929 it explicitly with the > character? Is there something else that 11930 must be done? 11931% 11932As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs; 11933a process that traditionally requires some debugging. 11934 -- USA Today, referring to the Internal Revenue Service 11935 conversion to a new computer system. 11936% 11937As some day it may happen that a victim must be found 11938I've got a little list -- I've got a little list 11939Of society offenders who might well be underground 11940And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed. 11941 -- Koko, "The Mikado" 11942% 11943As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it wasn't 11944as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had to be 11945discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized that a large 11946part of my life from then on was going to be spent in finding mistakes in 11947my own programs. 11948 -- Maurice Wilkes, designer of EDSAC, on programming, 1949 11949% 11950As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably 11951because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. 11952 -- Woody Allen 11953% 11954As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear, 11955bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete, 11956or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new 11957version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new 11958component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and 11959efficient test cases will usually be available. 11960 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" 11961% 11962As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there 11963is always a future in Computer Maintenance. 11964 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 11965% 11966As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion, 11967as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see; 11968but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have, 11969with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his 11970divinity. 11971 -- Benjamin Franklin 11972% 11973As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay. 11974 -- Miguel de Cervantes 11975% 11976As Will Rogers would have said,"There is no such thing as a free 11977variable." 11978% 11979As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple 11980memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time 11981to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, 11982E, or U is the proper time for chocolate. 11983 -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion" 11984% 11985As you grow older, you will still do foolish things, 11986but you will do them with much more enthusiasm. 11987 -- The Cowboy 11988% 11989As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would 11990interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the 11991Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure 11992out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on 11993Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual 11994organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result, 11995birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never 11996see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and 11997stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations 11998with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are 11999talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both 12000highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant. 12001 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 12002 Teen Should Know" 12003% 12004As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull 12005your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you. 12006The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along 12007with your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall 12008from the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all 12009over the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of 12010a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the 12011spider is suing you for damages. 12012% 12013As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one. 12014 -- Dave "First Strike" Pare 12015% 12016As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself." 12017% 12018Ascend to the high mountain pass, 12019Cross the shallow side of the wide ocean. 12020Do not give up to the great distance: 12021It's by going that you will reach your aim. 12022Be not discouraged by human frailty: 12023You will overcome it if you try to. 12024 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan 12025% 12026ASCII: 12027 The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would 12028 become computer literate. Etymologically, the term has come down as 12029 a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall 12030 receive." 12031 -- Robb Russon 12032% 12033ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer. 12034% 12035ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS. 12036% 12037Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, 12038If God won't have you, the devil must. 12039% 12040Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if 12041one went to Harvard). 12042 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 12043% 12044Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you 12045will pay only the station-to-station rate. 12046 -- Howard Kandel 12047% 12048Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls. 12049% 12050Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... 12051if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee. 12052% 12053Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of. 12054 -- J. J. Gibson 12055% 12056Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell" 12057for an answer. 12058% 12059Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so. 12060 -- John Stuart Mill 12061% 12062Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old 12063woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, "The way I look at it, 12064she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds." 12065 -- David Letterman 12066% 12067Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she 12068said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and 12069released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her 12070right cheek. She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she 12071learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball. She told the 12072writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your 12073newspaper. I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed. *Especially* to 12074bed. Guys were after me like you can't believe. That's when I started 12075chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not 12076as bad as this. This is the worst chew in the world. After this, 12077everything else is peaches and cream." The writers elected Gentleman Jim, 12078the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted, 12079and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he 12080couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for 12081two years? God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman." 12082 -- Garrison Keillor 12083% 12084Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a 12085lamp-post how it feels about dogs. 12086 -- Christopher Hampton 12087% 12088Ass, n.: 12089 The masculine of "lass". 12090% 12091Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity 12092and understanding of how computers work that it provides. 12093 -- D. Gries 12094% 12095Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. 12096Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be 12097strengthened. Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum. 12098Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check 12099and dying broke. 12100 -- Stanley Walker 12101% 12102Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus. 12103% 12104Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems. 12105 -- D. Winker and F. Prosser 12106% 12107At about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be 12108solved. The only difficulty is that the problem is NP complete and will 12109take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology 12110available. The best computer scientists sit down to think up some solution. 12111In great dismay, one of the C.S. people tells her husband about it. There 12112is only one solution, he says. Remember physics 103, Modern Physics, general 12113relativity and all. She replies, "What does that have to do with solving 12114a computer problem?" 12115 "Remember the twin paradox?" 12116 After a few minutes, she says, "I could put the computer on a very 12117fast machine and the computer would have just a few minutes to calculate but 12118that is the exact opposite of what we want... Of course! Leave the 12119computer here, and accelerate the earth!" 12120 The problem was so important that they did exactly that. When 12121the earth came back, they were presented with the answer: 12122 12123 IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card. 12124% 12125At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is 12126not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where 12127it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest. 12128 -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow 12129% 12130At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all 12131my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my 12132ignorance upon the shore. 12133 -- Kahlil Gibran 12134% 12135At first, I just did it on weekends. With a few friends, you know... 12136We never wanted to hurt anyone. The girls loved it. We'd all sit 12137around the computer and do a little UNIX. It was just a kick. At 12138least that's what we thought. Then it got worse. 12139 12140It got so I'd have to do some UNIX during the weekdays. After a 12141while, I couldn't even wake up in the morning without having that 12142crave to go do UNIX. Then it started affecting my job. I would just 12143have to do it during my break. Maybe a `grep' or two, maybe a little 12144`more'. I eventually started doing UNIX just to get through the day. 12145Of course, it screwed up my mind so much that I couldn't even 12146function as a normal person. 12147 12148I'm lucky today, I've overcome my UNIX problem. It wasn't easy. If 12149you're smart, just don't start. Remember, if any weirdo offers you 12150some UNIX, 12151 12152 Just Say No! 12153% 12154At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on 12155the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is 12156quite untrue in practice. Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather 12157than blinkers it. 12158 -- G. L. Glegg, "The Design of Design" 12159% 12160At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial 12161challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. 12162 -- "The Washington Post Magazine", June 9, 1985 12163% 12164At last I've found the girl of my dreams. Last night she said to me, 12165"Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie. 12166 -- Strange de Jim 12167% 12168At least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. 12169 -- J. B. White 12170% 12171At least they're _E_X_P_E_R_I_E_N_C_E_D incompetents. 12172% 12173At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his 12174thumb with a hammer. 12175 -- Marshall Lumsden 12176% 12177At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement, 12178especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously 12179-- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being 12180in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching 12181after fact and reason. 12182 -- John Keats 12183% 12184At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the 12185coffee table and striking meself repeatedly upon the head with a brick. 12186 -- H. R. Gumby 12187% 12188At the end of your life there'll be a good rest, 12189and no further activities are scheduled. 12190% 12191At the foot of the mountain, thunder: 12192The image of Providing Nourishment. 12193Thus the superior man is careful of his words 12194And temperate in eating and drinking. 12195% 12196At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly 12197contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre 12198or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny 12199of all ideas, old and new. This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep 12200nonsense. Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the 12201world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism: The collective 12202enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the 12203field on track. 12204 -- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection" 12205% 12206At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news 12207to the patients. The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to 12208die in six months. Go in and tell him." The intern boldly walks into the 12209room, over to the man's bedside and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!" 12210The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot. The doctor 12211grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron? 12212You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in 12213213 has about a week to live. Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me, 12214gently!" 12215 The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily 12216opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs 12217his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!" "Wonderful day, no? Say... 12218guess who's going to die soon!" 12219% 12220At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will 12221find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on 12222the computer. 12223% 12224At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume. 12225 -- Peter G. Alaquon 12226% 12227At times discretion should be thrown aside, 12228and with the foolish we should play the fool. 12229 -- Menander 12230% 12231At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the 12232number of pens that person is carrying. 12233% 12234Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 12235% 12236ATLANTA: 12237 An entire city surrounded by an airport. 12238% 12239Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole 12240or street lamp. 12241% 12242Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. 12243 -- Winston Churchill 12244% 12245Attempting to stop MySQL by buying companies around it is like trying 12246to kill a dolphin by drinking the ocean. 12247 -- Marten Mickos 12248% 12249Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda 12250decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a 12251lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many 12252suspects who are innocent of a crime. That's contradictory. If a person 12253is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect." 12254 -- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85 12255% 12256Auction, n.: 12257 A gyp off the old block. 12258% 12259Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity. 12260 -- G. J. Danton 12261% 12262Audiophile, n.: 12263 Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music. 12264% 12265Auribus teneo lupum. 12266[I hold a wolf by the ears.] 12267% 12268AUTHENTIC: 12269 Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion. 12270% 12271Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever 12272depths they were once able to plumb. 12273 -- Stanley Kaufman 12274% 12275Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children. 12276 -- Michael Joseph, "Observer" 12277% 12278Automobile, n.: 12279 A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians. 12280% 12281Avec! 12282% 12283Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance. 12284% 12285Avoid cliches like the plague. 12286They're a dime a dozen. 12287% 12288Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight. 12289% 12290Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. 12291 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 12292% 12293Avoid reality at all costs. 12294% 12295Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but 12296we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you. 12297 -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student 12298% 12299Avoid strange women and temporary variables. 12300% 12301Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining 12302ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror 12303to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the 12304mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam 12305in 1959. 12306 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton 12307 bad fiction contest. 12308% 12309Bacchus, n.: 12310 A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for 12311getting drunk. 12312 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 12313% 12314BACHELOR: 12315 A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free. 12316% 12317BACHELOR: 12318 A man who chases women and never Mrs. one. 12319% 12320Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears 12321that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations. Foreign 12322correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were 12323invaded. They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the 12324West and the Soviets invade from the East? Who will you fight first?" 12325 To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first. 12326Business before pleasure." 12327% 12328Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons. Some 12329military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people 12330who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks. 12331Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the 12332problems of terminology were all Bell System. We used to struggle with 12333written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people 12334(most phones were rotary then.) Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering 12335types (there was no marketing in the good old days, which is why they were 12336the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote 12337the "pound sign." Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out. It 12338never really caught on. 12339% 12340Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere, 12341uphill both ways and it was always snowing. 12342% 12343BACKWARD CONDITIONING: 12344 Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring. 12345% 12346Bacon's not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string. 12347% 12348BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!! 12349% 12350Bad men live that they may eat and drink, 12351whereas good men eat and drink that they may live. 12352 -- Socrates 12353% 12354Bagbiter: 12355 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually 12356intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This 12357bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on 12358obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the 12359bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS, 12360CHOMPER, CHOMPING. 12361% 12362Bagdikian's Observation: 12363 Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American 12364newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a 12365ukulele. 12366% 12367Bahdges? We don't need no stinkin' bahdges! 12368 -- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre" 12369% 12370Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: 12371 A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides 12372by governors. 12373% 12374BALLISTOPHOBIA: 12375 Fear of bullets; 12376OTOPHOBIA: 12377 Fear of opening one's eyes. 12378PECCATOPHOBIA: 12379 Fear of sinning. 12380TAPHEPHOBIA: 12381 Fear of being buried alive. 12382SITOPHOBIA: 12383 Fear of food. 12384TRICHOPHOBIA: 12385 Fear of hair. 12386VESTIPHOBIA: 12387 Fear of clothing. 12388% 12389BALTIMORE: 12390 A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp. 12391% 12392Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare. 12393% 12394Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb: 12395 The hippo has no sting, but the wise 12396 man would rather be sat upon by the bee. 12397% 12398Banectomy, n.: 12399 The removal of bruises on a banana. 12400 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 12401% 12402Bank error in your favor. Collect $200. 12403% 12404Barach's Rule: 12405 An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own physician. 12406% 12407Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience: 12408 (1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes 12409 and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends. 12410 (2) When you finally buy pretty stationary 12411 to continue the correspondence, he stops writing. 12412% 12413Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the 12414floor -- especially in the dark. 12415% 12416Barker's Proof: 12417 Proofreading is more effective after publication. 12418% 12419Barometer, n.: 12420 An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we 12421are having. 12422 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 12423% 12424Barth's Distinction: 12425 There are two types of people: those who divide people into two 12426types, and those who don't. 12427% 12428Baruch's Observation: 12429 If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. 12430% 12431Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers. 12432 -- Tom Lehrer 12433% 12434Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high taxes. 12435 -- Will Rogers 12436% 12437Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think 12438Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 12439 12440 (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 12441 (2) Advising the President. 12442 (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. 12443 -- David Letterman 12444% 12445Basic Definitions of Science: 12446 If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. 12447 If it stinks, it's chemistry. 12448 If it doesn't work, it's physics. 12449% 12450Basic is a high level languish. 12451APL is a high level anguish. 12452% 12453BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of "Scientific Creationism." 12454% 12455BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing. 12456 -- Seymour Papert 12457% 12458BASIC, n.: 12459 A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in 12460 that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. 12461% 12462Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd 12463come in and sink my boats. 12464 -- Woody Allen 12465% 12466Bathquake, n.: 12467 The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water 12468 faucet is turned on to a certain point. 12469 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 12470% 12471Batteries not included. 12472% 12473Battle, n.: 12474 A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that 12475 will not yield to the tongue. 12476 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 12477% 12478Be a better psychiatrist and the world 12479will beat a psychopath to your door. 12480% 12481BE A LOOF! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.) 12482% 12483BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts...) 12484% 12485Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely 12486get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your 12487face. 12488 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 12489% 12490Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds. 12491 -- Homer 12492% 12493Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps. 12494% 12495Be careful! Is it classified? 12496% 12497Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10! 12498% 12499Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or 12500situations that can't bear inspection. 12501% 12502Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. 12503 -- Mark Twain 12504% 12505Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours. 12506 -- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name" 12507% 12508Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom. 12509% 12510Be careful when you bite into your hamburger. 12511 -- Derek Bok 12512% 12513Be cautious in your daily affairs. 12514% 12515Be cheerful while you are alive. 12516 -- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C. 12517% 12518Be circumspect in your liaisons with women. It is better 12519to be seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman. 12520 -- De Maintenon 12521% 12522Be different: conform. 12523% 12524Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse 12525the issue afterwards. 12526% 12527Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! 12528Things won't get any better so get used to it. 12529% 12530Be incomprehensible. If they can't understand, they can't disagree. 12531% 12532Be independent. 12533Insult a rich relative today. 12534% 12535Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes; 12536nothing is safe while the legislature is in session. 12537% 12538Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down. 12539 -- Wilson Mizner 12540% 12541Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are. 12542 -- Pope St. Gregory I 12543% 12544Be open to other people -- they may enrich your dream. 12545% 12546Be prepared to accept sacrifices. 12547Vestal virgins aren't all that bad. 12548% 12549Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent 12550and original in your work. 12551 -- Flaubert 12552% 12553Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake. 12554% 12555Be self-reliant and your success is assured. 12556% 12557Be sociable. 12558Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow. 12559% 12560Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio. 12561% 12562Be valiant, but not too venturous. 12563Let thy attire be comely, but not costly. 12564 -- John Lyly 12565% 12566Beachhead, n.: 12567 In marketing: A small piece of a market over which you gain 12568 control and from which you go out to control other pieces of 12569 the market. 12570 12571 In war: Where soldiers die. 12572% 12573Beam me up, Scotty! 12574% 12575Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser! 12576% 12577Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here! 12578% 12579Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will. 12580% 12581BEAUTY: 12582 What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand. 12583% 12584Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life. 12585% 12586Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two. 12587% 12588Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God. 12589 -- Jean Anouilh 12590% 12591Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all 12592Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. 12593 -- John Keats 12594% 12595Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone. 12596 -- Redd Foxx 12597% 12598Because I do, 12599Because I do not hope, 12600Because I do not hope to survive 12601Injustice from the Palace, death from the air, 12602Because I do, only do, 12603I continue... 12604 -- T. S. Pynchon 12605% 12606Because the wine remembers. 12607% 12608Because we don't think about future generations, 12609they will never forget us. 12610 -- Henrik Tikkanen 12611% 12612Been through hell? 12613What did you bring back for me? 12614% 12615Been Transferred Lately? 12616% 12617Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore. 12618% 12619Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions. 12620% 12621Bees are very busy souls 12622They have no time for birth controls 12623And that is why in times like these 12624There are so many Sons of Bees. 12625% 12626Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. 12627 -- Addison H. Hallock 12628% 12629Before destruction a man's heart is 12630haughty, but humility goes before honour. 12631 -- Psalms 18:12 12632% 12633...before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech 12634or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What 12635did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was 12636manager? One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of 12637this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my 12638power of meddling. 12639 -- Joseph Conrad 12640% 12641Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone. 12642% 12643Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage 12644they are "Let's eat out." 12645% 12646Before really embarking on a sizeable project, in particular before 12647starting the large investment of coding, try to kill the project 12648first. 12649 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, EWD1308 12650% 12651Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego. 12652% 12653Before you ask more questions, think about whether 12654you really want to know the answers. 12655 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator" 12656% 12657Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. 12658That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have 12659their shoes. 12660% 12661Begathon, n.: 12662 A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so 12663you won't have to watch commercials. 12664% 12665Beggar to well-dressed businessman: 12666 "Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?" 12667% 12668Beggars should be no choosers. 12669 -- John Heywood 12670% 12671Behind every argument is someone's ignorance. 12672% 12673Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek. 12674% 12675Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear. 12676% 12677Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which 12678is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but 12679the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that 12680basket!" 12681 -- Mark Twain 12682% 12683Behold the warranty -- the bold print 12684giveth and the fine print taketh away. 12685% 12686Beifeld's Principle: 12687 The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and 12688receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is 12689already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better 12690looking and richer male friend. 12691% 12692Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry. 12693% 12694Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and 12695stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very 12696opposite applies with the judges. 12697 -- Beyond the Fringe 12698% 12699Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, 12700since it consists principally of dealings with men. 12701 -- Conrad 12702% 12703Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome 12704to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party. And yet another guest went over 12705and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?" 12706 "Not too well," said the expectant mother. "You know, I've missed 12707seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me." 12708% 12709Being conservative has never been regarded as old-fashioned. But 12710if you fight for a sensible step in the right direction which others 12711has deserted you will be branded "reactionary". 12712 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 12713% 12714"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff> 12715% 12716Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real 12717disasters in life begin when you get what you want. 12718% 12719Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart 12720enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important. 12721 -- Eugene McCarthy 12722% 12723Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the 12724Boy Scouts have adult supervision. 12725 -- Blake Clark 12726% 12727Being owned by someone used to be called 12728slavery -- now it's called commitment. 12729% 12730Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you. 12731% 12732Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to 12733standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons. 12734 -- unnamed Justice Department official 12735% 12736Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet. 12737% 12738Belief, n.: 12739 Something you do not believe. 12740% 12741Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too 12742impossibly bad. 12743 -- Honore de Balzac 12744% 12745Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone. 12746% 12747Ben, why didn't you tell me? 12748 -- Luke Skywalker 12749% 12750Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: 12751 (1) Houses are for people to live in. 12752 (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. 12753 (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant. 12754% 12755Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence. 12756 -- Time Bandits 12757% 12758Benson's Dogma: 12759 ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit. 12760% 12761Bento's Law: If It Can Break, It Will Break 12762Bento's Corollary: If It Can Break, Kris Can Send Mail About It 12763% 12764Berkeley had what we called "copycenter," which is "take it down 12765to the copy center and make as many copies as you want." 12766 -- Kirk McKusick 12767% 12768Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and 12769none of his friends like him either. 12770 -- Oscar Wilde 12771% 12772Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk. He'd been 12773transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival. Founded in 12774Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination of MBH by non-WASPs had taken 12775place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental 12776surgeon, and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew. Yet, 12777MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment District. 12778For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish." It was 12779rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was curious: 12780"Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you told them, 12781after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here. Why?" 12782 "I rilly don't know," said Bernard. 12783 "Was it the doctors there? The doctors you didn't like?" 12784 "The doctus? Nah, the doctus I can't complain." 12785 "The test or the room?" 12786 "The tests or the room? Vell, nah, about them I can't complain." 12787 "The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no. 12788Fats laughed and said, "Listen, Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this 12789great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God, all you 12790tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.' So why did you come here? Why, Bernie, 12791why?" 12792 "Vhy I come heah? Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain." 12793 -- House of God 12794% 12795Bershere's Formula for Failure: 12796 There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who 12797 listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody. 12798% 12799Besides the device, the box should contain: 12800 * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" 12801 * A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets 12802 and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. 12803 12804YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable. 12805 12806IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your 12807spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car 12808that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King 12809without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's 12810why." 12811 12812WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. 12813 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" 12814% 12815Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969 12816judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who 12817doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American 12818history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor 12819at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of 12820them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our 12821victuals being spent and especially our beer." 12822 -- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual 12823% 12824Best Mistakes In Films 12825 In his "Filmgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists 12826four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all 12827possible. 12828 In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a 12829street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window. 12830 In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned 12831with television aerials. 12832 In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his 12833fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill 12834in the background. 12835 In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is 12836clearly visible on one of the leading characters. 12837 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 12838% 12839Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon. 12840% 12841Beta test, v.: 12842 To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's 12843 sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three. 12844 In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos. 12845% 12846Better by far you should forget and 12847smile than that you should remember and be sad. 12848 -- Christina Rossetti 12849% 12850Better dead than mellow. 12851% 12852Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come 12853around while you have your life in such a mess. 12854% 12855Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it. 12856% 12857Better late than never. 12858 -- Titus Livius (Livy) 12859% 12860Better living a beggar than buried an emperor. 12861% 12862better !pout !cry 12863better watchout 12864lpr why 12865santa claus <north pole >town 12866 12867cat /etc/passwd >list 12868ncheck list 12869ncheck list 12870cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist 12871cat list | grep nice >giftlist 12872santa claus <north pole >town 12873 12874who | grep sleeping 12875who | grep awake 12876who | egrep 'bad|good' 12877for (goodness sake) { 12878 be good 12879} 12880% 12881Better the prince of some inferior court, 12882Than second, or less, in beatific light. 12883 -- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer" 12884% 12885Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all. 12886% 12887Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness. 12888 -- motto of the Christopher Society 12889% 12890Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment. 12891% 12892Better tried by twelve than carried by six. 12893 -- Jeff Cooper 12894% 12895Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson 12896Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. 12897Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and 12898great effort pushing boulders into a single word. 12899 12900It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow. 12901Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin 12902equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the 12903destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass 12904both Parliament and Party. 12905 12906It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other 12907planets, this may be the first message received from us. 12908 -- The Realist, November, 1964 12909% 12910Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree. 12911% 12912Between infinite and short there is a big difference. 12913 -- G. H. Gonnet 12914% 12915Between the idea 12916And the reality 12917Between the motion 12918And the act 12919Falls the Shadow 12920 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man" 12921 12922 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 12923 referring to system service dispatching.] 12924% 12925BEWARE! People acting under the influence of human nature. 12926% 12927Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie. 12928% 12929Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe. 12930% 12931Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe. 12932% 12933Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather 12934a new wearer of clothes. 12935 -- Henry David Thoreau 12936% 12937Beware of Bigfoot! 12938% 12939Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proved it correct, not 12940tried it. 12941 -- Donald E. Knuth 12942% 12943Beware of computerized fortune-tellers! 12944% 12945Beware of friends who are false and deceitful. 12946% 12947Beware of geeks bearing graft. 12948% 12949Beware of low-flying butterflies. 12950% 12951Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The 12952danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with 12953the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell. 12954 -- St. Augustine 12955% 12956Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. 12957 -- Leonard Brandwein 12958% 12959Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a 12960drip under pressure. 12961% 12962Beware of strong drink. It can make you 12963shoot at tax collectors -- and miss. 12964 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" 12965% 12966Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question. 12967% 12968Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything 12969is possible but nothing of interest is easy. 12970% 12971Beware the new TTY code! 12972% 12973Beware the one behind you. 12974% 12975Bi, n.: 12976 When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert. 12977% 12978Bierman's Laws of Contracts: 12979 (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's". 12980 (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's". 12981 (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's". 12982% 12983Big book, big bore. 12984 -- Callimachus 12985% 12986Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice 12987Are making midnight music in the moonlight, 12988Mighty nice! 12989% 12990Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same. 12991% 12992Biggest security gap -- an open mouth. 12993% 12994Bilbo's First Law: 12995 You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels. 12996% 12997Bill Dickey is learning me his experience. 12998 -- Yogi Berra in his rookie season 12999% 13000Billy: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from 13001 generation to generation? 13002Mom: Yes? 13003Billy: Well, this generation dropped it. 13004% 13005Binary, adj.: 13006 Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes. 13007% 13008Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise, 13009and you'll be Gary, Indiana. 13010 -- Jessie, "Greaser's Palace" 13011% 13012Bing's Rule: 13013 Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach. 13014% 13015Biology grows on you. 13016% 13017Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same 13018thing as division. 13019% 13020Bipolar, adj.: 13021 Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, 13022New York 13023% 13024Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black 13025nightgowns do with keeping warm. 13026 -- Hester Mundis, "Powermom" 13027% 13028Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues. 13029% 13030Birth, n.: 13031 The first and direst of all disasters. 13032 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 13033% 13034Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want. 13035% 13036Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the 13037behavior of numbers. Just as Einstein observed that space was not an 13038absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that 13039time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in 13040time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend 13041on the observer's movement in restaurants. 13042 -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything" 13043% 13044Bit, n.: 13045 A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color 13046 refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25 13047 cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years 13048 ago. 13049% 13050Bit off more than my mind could chew, 13051Shower or suicide, what do I do? 13052 -- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?" 13053% 13054Biz is better. 13055% 13056Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic. 13057% 13058Bizoos, n.: 13059 The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a 13060 basketball. 13061 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 13062% 13063Black people have never rioted. A riot is what white people think blacks 13064are involved in when they burn stores. 13065 -- Julius Lester 13066% 13067Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies, 13068Shy little angels as gentle as puppies, 13069Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish, 13070They were just some of my tropical fish. 13071 13072Then I got mantas that sting in the water, 13073Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter, 13074Savage male betas that bite with a squish, 13075Now I have many less tropical fish. 13076 13077 If you think that 13078 Fish are peaceful 13079 That's an empty wish. 13080 Just dump them together 13081 And leave them alone, 13082 And soon you will have -- no fish. 13083 -- To My Favorite Things 13084% 13085Blackout, heatwave, .44 caliber homicide, 13086The bums drop dead and the dogs go mad in packs on the West Side, 13087A young girl standing on a ledge, looks like another suicide, 13088She wants to hit those bricks, 13089 'cause the news at six got to stick to a deadline, 13090While the millionaires hide in Beekman place, 13091The bag ladies throw their bones in my face, 13092I get attacked by a kid with stereo sound, 13093I don't want to hear it but he won't turn it down... 13094 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses" 13095% 13096Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault. 13097% 13098Blessed are the forgetful: for they 13099get the better even of their blunders. 13100 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 13101% 13102Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. 13103 -- Herbert Hoover 13104% 13105Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded 13106to say it. 13107 -- James Russell Lowell 13108% 13109Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, 13110for they Shall be Known as Wheels. 13111% 13112Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed. 13113 -- W. C. Bennett 13114% 13115Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. 13116 -- Alexander Pope 13117% 13118Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it, 13119for he shall enjoy living. 13120 -- W. C. Bennett 13121% 13122Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, 13123abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact. 13124 -- George Eliot 13125% 13126Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies. 13127 -- David Nichols 13128% 13129BLISS is ignorance. 13130% 13131Blithwapping, v.: 13132 Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the 13133 wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc. 13134 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 13135% 13136Blood flows down one leg and up the other. 13137% 13138Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier. 13139% 13140Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation: 13141 The judge's jokes are always funny. 13142% 13143Blore's Razor: 13144 Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is 13145funnier. 13146% 13147Blow it out your ear. 13148% 13149Blue paint today. 13150 [Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson. Ed.] 13151% 13152Blutarsky's Axiom: 13153 Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason. 13154% 13155Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in 13156plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has 13157it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was 13158arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept 13159throwing up on them. 13160% 13161Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel. 13162% 13163Boling's postulate: 13164 If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. 13165% 13166Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: 13167 Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so 13168 vividly manifests their lack of progress. 13169% 13170Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: 13171 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 13172% 13173Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them 13174seemed to come from Texas. 13175 -- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale" 13176% 13177Bondage maybe, discipline never! 13178 -- T. K. 13179% 13180Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!" 13181% 13182BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH! 13183% 13184Boob's Law: 13185 You always find something in the last place you look. 13186% 13187Booker's Law: 13188 An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. 13189% 13190Bore, n.: 13191 A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary. 13192 -- Walter Winchell 13193% 13194Bore, n.: 13195 A person who talks when you wish him to listen. 13196 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 13197% 13198Boren's Laws: 13199 (1) When in charge, ponder. 13200 (2) When in trouble, delegate. 13201 (3) When in doubt, mumble. 13202% 13203Boss, n.: 13204 According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages 13205the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, 13206in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an 13207ornamental stud." 13208% 13209Boston, n.: 13210 An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic. 13211% 13212Boston, n.: 13213 Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for 13214finishing second in the Irish jig competition. 13215% 13216Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry 13217that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation 13218straightened out for a crowbar. 13219 -- O. W. Holmes 13220% 13221Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and 13222interface circuit details. The two models, however, are not compatible 13223on the same communications line connection. 13224 -- Bell System Technical Reference 13225% 13226Boucher's Observation: 13227 He who blows his own horn always plays the music 13228 several octaves higher than originally written. 13229% 13230Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding. 13231 -- Ralph Lewin 13232% 13233Bower's Law: 13234 Talent goes where the action is. 13235% 13236Bowie's Theorem: 13237 If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment. 13238% 13239Boy! Eucalyptus! 13240% 13241Boy, get your head out of the stars above, 13242You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. 13243Save your heart and let your body be enough, 13244To get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. 13245Save your heart and let your body be enough, 13246And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. 13247 -- Mac Macinelli, "Minimum Love" 13248% 13249Boy, I sure wish that I could be in the 13250'Advanced Systems Development' group! 13251% 13252Boy, life takes a long time to live. 13253 -- Steven Wright 13254% 13255Boy, n.: 13256 A noise with dirt on it. 13257% 13258Boy, that crayon sure did hurt! 13259% 13260Boycott meat - suck your thumb. 13261% 13262Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least 13263when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years. 13264 -- James Thurber 13265% 13266Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. 13267 -- Kin Hubbard 13268% 13269Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others. Bozos are people who band 13270together for fun and profit. They have no jobs. Anybody who goes on a 13271tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street? Because there's a Bozo 13272on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others. 13273They're the huge, fat, middle waist. The archetype is an Irish drunk 13274clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin. Fields, William Bendix. 13275Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness. It has Oz in it. They mean 13276well. They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes. They 13277like their comforts. The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time, 13278which is all the time. 13279 -- The Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head" 13280% 13281Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the 13282unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only 13283(gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend 13284to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.' 13285 -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking 13286 Style" 13287% 13288Bradley's Bromide: 13289 If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a 13290committee -- that will do them in. 13291% 13292Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: 13293 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more 13294easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have 13295handled this?" 13296% 13297Brain fried -- core dumped 13298% 13299Brain, n.: 13300 The apparatus with which we think that we think. 13301 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 13302% 13303Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]: 13304 To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source 13305 of error in an opponent. 13306 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 13307% 13308brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a 13309theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in 13310Multics, adj.: 13311 Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented. There is an implication 13312 that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage, 13313 because he/she should have known better. Calling something 13314 brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable. 13315% 13316Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates, 13317is my choice for team captain. Cincinnati was beating us 3-1, and I led 13318off the bottom of the eighth with a walk. The next hitter banged a hard 13319single to right field. Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and 13320kept going, sliding safely into third base. 13321 With runners at first and third, and home-run hitter Ralph Kiner at 13322bat, our manager put in the fast Brandy Davis to run for the player at first. 13323Even with Kiner hitting and a change to win the game with a home run, Brandy 13324took off for second and made it. Now we had runners at second and third. 13325 I'm standing at third, knowing I'm not going anywhere, and see Brandy 13326start to take a lead. All of a sudden, here he comes. He makes a great slide 13327into third, and I scream, "Brandy, where are you going?" He looks up, and 13328shouts, "Back to second if I can make it." 13329 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game" 13330% 13331Brandy-and-water spoils two good things. 13332 -- Charles Lamb 13333% 13334Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science. 13335 -- Randy Goebel 13336% 13337Break into jail and claim police brutality. 13338% 13339Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, 13340since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind. 13341 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 13342% 13343Breathe deep the gathering gloom. 13344Watch lights fade from every room. 13345Bed-sitter people look back and lament; 13346another day's useless energies spent. 13347 13348Impassioned lovers wrestle as one. 13349Lonely man cries for love and has none. 13350New mother picks up and suckles her son. 13351Senior citizens wish they were young. 13352 13353Cold-hearted orb that rules the night; 13354Removes the colors from our sight. 13355Red is grey and yellow white. 13356But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion." 13357 -- The Moody Blues, "Days of Future Passed" 13358% 13359Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience. 13360% 13361Bride, n.: 13362 A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. 13363 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 13364% 13365Bridge ahead. Pay troll. 13366% 13367Briefcase, n.: 13368 A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party. 13369% 13370Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of 13371data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover 13372an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order 13373and causality in random arrays, to perceive a pattern or correlation 13374which seems a priori intuitively correct even when the actual correlation 13375in the data is counterintuitive, to jump to conclusions about the correct 13376hypothesis, to seek and to use only positive or confirmatory evidence, to 13377construe evidence liberally as confirmatory, to fail to generate or to 13378assess alternative hypotheses, and having thus managed to expose themselves 13379only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity 13380of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978). In the 13381analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to 13382appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses. 13383 -- A. Benjamin 13384% 13385Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati 13386 girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba; 13387i borogovi eran tutti mimanti 13388 e la moma radeva fuorigraba. 13389 13390"Figliuolo mio, sta' attento al Gibrovacco, 13391 dagli artigli e dal morso lacerante; 13392fuggi l'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco 13393 metti infine il frumioso Bandifante". 13394 -- "The Jabberwock" 13395% 13396Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may 13397revitalize the corner saloon. 13398% 13399Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast 13400more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate. 13401If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if 13402brusque, your character. 13403 -- Jonathan Swift 13404% 13405British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive 13406it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps. 13407 -- Peter Ustinov 13408% 13409British Israelites: 13410 The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of 13411Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by 13412Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further 13413believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the 13414Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in 13415the hand of the Arabs. They also believe that if you sleep with your 13416head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth. 13417 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 13418% 13419Broad-mindedness, n.: 13420 The result of flattening high-mindedness out. 13421% 13422Brogan's Constant: 13423 People tend to congregate in the back 13424 of the church and the front of the bus. 13425% 13426Brokee, n.: 13427 Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker. 13428% 13429Brontosaurus Principle: 13430 Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them 13431in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when 13432this occurs, they are an endangered species. 13433 -- Thomas K. Connellan 13434% 13435Brooke's Law: 13436 Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool 13437 discovers something which either abolishes the system or 13438 expands it beyond recognition. 13439% 13440Brooks' Law: 13441 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later 13442% 13443Brucify, v.: 13444 1: Kill by nailing onto style(9); "David O'Brien was brucified" 13445 2: Annoy constantly by reminding of potential improvements 13446 [syn: {torment}, {rag}, {tantalize}, {bedevil}, {dun}, 13447 {frustrate}] 13448 3: Fix problems that were indicated in an earlier brucification 13449 (of one of the two other meanings). 13450The word 'brucify' originally comes from the style-reviews of Bruce 13451Evans of the FreeBSD project, but is now also sometimes used for 13452reviews just done in his spirit. 13453% 13454BS: You remind me of a man. 13455B: What man? 13456BS: The man with the power. 13457B: What power? 13458BS: The power of voodoo. 13459B: Voodoo? 13460BS: You do. 13461B: Do what? 13462BS: Remind me of a man. 13463B: What man? 13464BS: The man with the power... 13465 -- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer" 13466% 13467Bubble Memory, n.: 13468 A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's 13469intelligence. See also "vacuum tube". 13470% 13471Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang. 13472% 13473Bucy's Law: 13474 Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. 13475% 13476Bug, n.: 13477 An aspect of a computer program which exists because the 13478programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he 13479wrote the program. 13480 13481Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed. 13482 -- Ray Simard 13483% 13484Bug, n.: 13485 An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. 13486The activity of "debugging", or removing bugs from a program, ends when 13487people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed. 13488 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 13489% 13490Bugs, pl. n.: 13491 Small living things that small living boys throw on small 13492 living girls. 13493% 13494Building translators is good clean fun. 13495 -- T. Cheatham 13496% 13497BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the 13498 outfit." 13499GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?" 13500BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..." 13501 -- Jay Ward, "Rocky and Bullwinkle" 13502% 13503Bumper sticker: 13504 All the parts falling off this car are 13505 of the very finest British manufacture. 13506% 13507Bunker's Admonition: 13508 You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it. 13509% 13510Burbulation, v.: 13511 The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in 13512 an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on. 13513 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 13514% 13515Bureau Termination, Law of: 13516 When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out, 13517 the number of employees in that bureau will double within 13518 12 months after the decision is made. 13519% 13520Bureaucracy, n.: 13521 A method for transforming energy into solid waste. 13522% 13523Bureaucrat, n.: 13524 A person who cuts red tape sideways. 13525 -- J. McCabe 13526% 13527Bureaucrat, n.: 13528 A politician who has tenure. 13529% 13530Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise. 13531% 13532Burke's Postulates: 13533 Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. 13534 Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer. 13535% 13536Burn's Hog Weighing Method: 13537 (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a 13538 sawhorse. 13539 (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank. 13540 (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again 13541 perfectly balanced. 13542 (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks. 13543 -- Robert Burns 13544% 13545Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas. 13546 -- Ken Weaver 13547% 13548Bus error -- driver executed. 13549% 13550Bus error -- please leave by the rear door. 13551% 13552Bushydo -- the way of the shrub. Bonsai! 13553% 13554Business is a good game -- lots of competition 13555and minimum of rules. You keep score with money. 13556 -- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari 13557% 13558Business will be either better or worse. 13559 -- Calvin Coolidge 13560% 13561But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer! 13562% 13563But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations 13564paws. 13565% 13566But, for my own part, it was Greek to me. 13567 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 13568% 13569But has any little atom, 13570 While a-sittin' and a-splittin', 13571Ever stopped to think or CARE 13572 That E = m c**2 ? 13573% 13574But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness. 13575I meant no harm; I just liked the explosions. And I was careful never to 13576kill more than I could eat. 13577 -- Raoul Duke 13578% 13579But I don't like Spam!!!! 13580% 13581"But I don't want to go on the cart..." 13582"Oh, don't be such a baby!" 13583"But I'm feeling much better..." 13584"No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!" 13585 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail" 13586% 13587But I find the old notions somehow appealing. Not that I want to go 13588back to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you 13589what is proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous 13590to hold reason higher than body or feeling. Still there is something 13591true and profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or 13592theft or assault violate the doer as well as the done to. We might 13593even, if we thought this way, have less crime. The popular view of 13594crime, as far as I can deduce it from the movies and television, is 13595that it is a breaking of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away 13596with that; implicitly, everyone would like to break the rule, but not 13597everyone is arrogant enough to imagine they can get away with it. It 13598therefore becomes very important for the rule upholders to bring such 13599arrogance down. 13600 -- Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room" 13601% 13602But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable 13603nowadays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study. 13604 -- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge" 13605% 13606But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the 13607system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, 13608analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. 13609 -- Bruce Leverett, 13610 "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers" 13611% 13612But it does move! 13613 -- Galileo Galilei 13614% 13615But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come! 13616% 13617But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane, 13618In proving foresight may be vain: 13619The best laid schemes o' mice an' men 13620Gang aft a-gley, 13621An' lea'e us nought but grief and pain 13622For promised joy. 13623 -- Robert Burns, "To a Mouse", 1785 13624% 13625But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch! 13626% 13627But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green! 13628% 13629But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast 13630to the nearest gas station. 13631% 13632But scientists, who ought to know 13633Assure us that it must be so. 13634Oh, let us never, never doubt 13635What nobody is sure about. 13636 -- Hilaire Belloc 13637% 13638But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day. 13639% 13640But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than 13641frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them? 13642 -- M. Proust 13643% 13644But soft you, the fair Ophelia: 13645Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, 13646But get thee to a nunnery -- go! 13647 -- Mark "The Bard" Twain 13648% 13649But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who 13650was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal 13651education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 136521877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of 13653American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was 13654invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he 13655invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant 13656adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends 13657electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the 13658electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant 13659part) sends it right back to the customer again. 13660 13661This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch 13662of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since 13663very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. 13664In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United 13665States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it 13666ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate 13667increases. 13668 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 13669% 13670But these pills can't be habit forming; 13671I've been taking them for years. 13672% 13673But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad 13674place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge. 13675Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What 13676is a kludge, after all, but not enough K's, not enough ROM's, not 13677enough RAM's, poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? 13678Have I explained yet about the bytes? 13679% 13680But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable 13681computers? 13682% 13683But you shall not escape my iambics. 13684 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus 13685% 13686But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical 13687reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than 13688those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature. 13689 -- Leonardo da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds" 13690% 13691Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes 13692Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn; 13693Less dear than army ants in apple pies 13694Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn, 13695Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit; 13696Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose 13697They suck, and like the double-breasted suit 13698Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose, 13699Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed; 13700And stem the produce of thy waspish wits: 13701Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed; 13702Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits. 13703Be off, I say; go bug somebody new, 13704Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you. 13705% 13706Buzzword, n.: 13707 The fly in the ointment of computer literacy. 13708% 13709By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task 13710completely overwhelm you. 13711% 13712By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail. 13713% 13714By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other 13715designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun. 13716 -- P. J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April 13717 Fool's column. 13718% 13719By nature, men are nearly alike; 13720by practice, they get to be wide apart. 13721 -- Confucius 13722% 13723By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. 13724In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others 13725as it is to invent. 13726 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 13727 -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program 13728 (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.") 13729 [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to 13730 misconstrue all these misquotations?!?" Ed.] 13731% 13732By perseverance the snail reached the Ark. 13733 -- Charles Spurgeon 13734% 13735By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death. 13736 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 13737% 13738By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began 13739to suspect "Hungry" ... 13740 -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side" 13741% 13742By the time you swear you're his, 13743shivering and sighing 13744and he vows his passion is 13745infinite, undying -- 13746Lady, make a note of this: 13747One of you is lying. 13748 -- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence" 13749% 13750By the yard, life is hard. 13751By the inch, it's a cinch. 13752% 13753By trying we can easily learn to endure adversity. 13754Another man's, I mean. 13755 -- Mark Twain 13756% 13757By working faithfully eight hours a day, 13758you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve. 13759 -- Robert Frost 13760% 13761BYOB, v.: 13762 Believing Your Own Bull 13763% 13764Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to 13765point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very 13766fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are 13767often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people 13768from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B 13769that so many people from point A are so keen to get _t_h_e_r_e. They often 13770wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell 13771they wanted to be. 13772 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 13773% 13774BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then 13775carefully print the chaff. 13776% 13777Byte your tongue. 13778% 13779C Code. 13780C Code Run. 13781Run, Code, RUN! 13782 PLEASE!!!! 13783% 13784C for yourself. 13785% 13786C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360. 13787% 13788C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes that 13789harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg. 13790 -- Bjarne Stroustrup 13791% 13792C, n.: 13793 A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more 13794like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or 13795anything else. It is either the best language available to the art 13796today, or it isn't. 13797 -- Ray Simard 13798% 13799Cabbage, n.: 13800 A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as 13801 a man's head. 13802 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 13803% 13804Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception. 13805 -- The Mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989 13806% 13807Cache: 13808 A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one 13809 is supposed to know is there. 13810% 13811California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange. 13812 -- Fred Allen 13813% 13814California, n.: 13815 From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or 13816Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or 13817"fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." 13818 -- Ed Moran 13819% 13820Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God 13821and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your 13822coffee. 13823% 13824Call on God, but row away from the rocks. 13825 -- Indian proverb 13826% 13827Call things by their right names... Glass of brandy and water! That is the 13828current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled 13829damnation. 13830 -- Robert Hall, in Olinthus Gregory's, "Brief Memoir of the 13831 Life of Hall" 13832 13833 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 13834 referring to logical names.] 13835% 13836Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people! 13837 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda" 13838% 13839Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes, 13840Calm down, it's only bits and bytes, 13841Calm down, and speak to me in English, 13842Please realize that I'm not one of your computerites. 13843% 13844Calvin: "I wonder where we go when we die." 13845Hobbes: "Pittsburgh?" 13846Calvin: "You mean if we're good or if we're bad?" 13847% 13848Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle. 13849 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth 13850% 13851Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth 13852Corner, Vermont. 13853 -- Clarence Darrow 13854% 13855Campbell's Law: 13856 Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter. 13857% 13858Campus crusade for Cthulhu -- it found me. 13859% 13860Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two 13861points. 13862 -- M. M. Johnston 13863% 13864Can anyone remember when the times 13865were not hard, and money not scarce? 13866% 13867Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished? 13868Yes, work never begun. 13869% 13870"Can you be more stupid than aggravating the judge AND your lawyer? 13871No? Oh yes you can: You can aggravate the whole kernel community." 13872 -- Alexander Lyamin (about Hans Reisers murder trial) 13873% 13874Can you buy friendship? You not only can, you must. It's the 13875only way to obtain friends. Everything worthwhile has a price. 13876 -- Robert J. Ringer 13877% 13878Canada Bill Jones's Motto: 13879 It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. 13880 13881Canada Bill Jones's Supplement: 13882 A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. 13883% 13884Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. 13885It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage. 13886 -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post 13887% 13888Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain? 13889Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes, 13890A root or two, a torus and a node: 13891The inverse of my verse, a null domain. 13892 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 13893% 13894CANCER (June 21 - July 22) 13895 This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy, 13896but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are 13897poor and unhappy. To tell you the truth, any day is tough 13898when you're poor and unhappy. 13899% 13900CANCER (June 21 - July 22) 13901 You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's 13902problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things 13903off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare 13904recipients are Cancer people. 13905% 13906Canonical, adj.: 13907 The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true 13908story: One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some 13909annoyance at the use of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a 13910point of using jargon as much as possible in his presence, and 13911eventually it began to sink in. Finally, in one conversation, he used 13912the word "canonical" in jargon-like fashion without thinking. 13913 Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!" 13914 Stallman: "What did he say?" 13915 Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way." 13916% 13917Can't act. Slightly bald. Also dances. 13918 -- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test 13919 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" 13920% 13921Can't open /usr/games/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar. 13922% 13923Can't open /usr/share/games/fortune/fortunes.dat. 13924% 13925Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for 13926the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all. 13927 -- John Maynard Keynes 13928% 13929CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19) 13930 Play your hunches. This is a day when luck will play an important 13931 part in your life. If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much 13932 luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either. You are 13933 a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers 13934 don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha. 13935% 13936CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) 13937 Follow your instincts. You are much too scatterbrained to do anything 13938 else, such as think. Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget 13939 it. That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse. 13940% 13941CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) 13942 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do 13943much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any 13944importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as 13945they tend to take root and become trees. 13946% 13947Captain Penny's Law: 13948 You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of 13949the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. 13950% 13951Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5... 13952% 13953Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than 13954expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to 13955complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their 13956planning to reduce the time it takes. 13957% 13958Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and 13959trousers that don't match. 13960% 13961Carney's Law: There's at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print 13962the name Craney incorrectly. 13963 -- Jim Canrey 13964% 13965Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of 13966fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course, 13967the same can be said of dirt. 13968% 13969Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.: 13970 The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a 13971dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then 13972putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 13973 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 13974% 13975Carson's Consolation: 13976 Nothing is ever a complete failure. 13977 It can always be used as a bad example. 13978% 13979Carson's Observation on Footwear: 13980 If the shoe fits, buy the other one too. 13981% 13982Carswell's Corollary: 13983 Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap, 13984 nature invariably comes up with a better mouse. 13985% 13986Cat, n.: 13987 Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer. 13988% 13989Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world. 13990 -- The Beach Boys 13991% 13992Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles. 13993 -- Howard Chaykin 13994% 13995Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so. 13996% 13997Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function. 13998 -- Garrison Keillor 13999% 14000Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't make eight cats pull 14001a sled through the snow. 14002% 14003Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind. 14004% 14005Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. 14006 -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson" 14007% 14008Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health. 14009% 14010Caution: Keep out of reach of children. 14011% 14012CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. 14013% 14014CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude... 14015% 14016Cecil, you're my final hope 14017Of finding out the true Straight Dope 14018For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat 14019But none of my cats are at all like that. 14020This unusual animal (so it is said) 14021Is simultaneously alive and dead! 14022What I don't understand is just why he 14023Can't be one or the other, unquestionably. 14024My future now hangs in between eigenstates. 14025In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't. 14026If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way 14027And rescue my psyche from quantum decay. 14028But if this queer thing has perplexed even you, 14029Then I will *_a_n_d* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo. 14030 -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium 14031 of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams 14032% 14033Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. 14034% 14035Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the 14036center of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation 14037works. An incorrect model can be a useful tool. 14038 -- Kelvin Throop III 14039% 14040Census Taker to Housewife: 14041Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many? 14042% 14043Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543. 14044% 14045Cerebral atrophy, n.: 14046 The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, and 14047impair the brain's performance. An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause 14048symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic 14049performance. A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to 14050everyday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort 14051and the assimilation of difficult concepts. Many college students become 14052victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying. 14053 14054Cerebral darwinism, n.: 14055 The theory that the effects of cerebral atrophy can be reversed 14056through the purging action of heavy alcohol consumption. Large amounts of 14057alcohol cause many brain cells to perish due to oxygen deprivation. Through 14058the process of natural selection, the weak and sick brain cells will die 14059first, leaving only the healthy cells. This wonderful process leaves the 14060imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity. 14061Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic 14062performance actually increases beyond previous levels. 14063% 14064Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. 14065Jaka: Look, Cerebus -- Jaka has to tell you ... something 14066Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy 14067 out of it? 14068Jaka: Ugh! 14069Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy? 14070 -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret" 14071% 14072Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long 14073walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They 14074then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy 14075health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, 14076not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find 14077only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the 14078others who have tried it. 14079 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 14080% 14081Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the 14082most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of 14083Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which 14084reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, the expression 14085nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground nuts, as would 14086but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground) (other than ground 14087nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground)." 14088 -- Guinness Book of World Records, 1973 14089% 14090Certainly the game is rigged. 14091Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win. 14092 -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love" 14093% 14094Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, 14095but it's very funny -- 14096 Did you ever try buying them without money? 14097 -- Ogden Nash 14098% 14099C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre! 14100% 14101C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique. 14102 -- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341] 14103% 14104CF&C stole it, fair and square. 14105 -- Tim Hahn 14106% 14107Chairman of the Bored. 14108% 14109Chamberlain's Laws: 14110 1: The big guys always win. 14111 2: Everything tastes more or less like chicken. 14112% 14113Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign. 14114 -- Anatole France 14115% 14116Change your thoughts and you change your world. 14117% 14118Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles. 14119 -- Kathleen Norris 14120% 14121Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world. 14122% 14123Chapter 2: Newtonian Growth and Decay 14124 14125 The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion by 14126Isaac Newton's famous brother Phigg. His idea was to provide an equation 14127that would describe a quantity that would dwindle and dwindle, but never 14128quite reach zero. Historically, he was merely trying to work out his 14129mortgage. Another versatile equation also emerged, one which would define 14130a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity. This equation 14131can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human 14132race in general. 14133% 14134Character density, n.: 14135 The number of very weird people in the office. 14136% 14137Character is what you are in the dark! 14138 -- Lord John Whorfin 14139% 14140Charity begins at home. 14141 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 14142% 14143Charity, n.: 14144 A thing that begins at home and usually stays there. 14145% 14146Charlie Brown: Why was I put on this earth? 14147Linus: To make others happy. 14148Charlie Brown: Why were others put on this earth? 14149% 14150Charlie was a chemist, 14151But Charlie is no more. 14152What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4. 14153% 14154Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" -- 14155without having asked any clear question. 14156% 14157Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap. 14158% 14159Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers... 14160they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key! 14161% 14162Checkuary, n.: 14163 The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and ends 14164 when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his checks. 14165% 14166Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate. 14167% 14168Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality. 14169 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play" 14170% 14171Chef, n.: 14172 Any cook who swears in French. 14173% 14174Cheit's Lament: 14175 If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you-- 14176 the next time he's in need. 14177% 14178Chemicals, n.: 14179 Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. 14180% 14181Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work. 14182% 14183Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks. 14184% 14185Chemistry is applied theology. 14186 -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III 14187% 14188Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react. 14189% 14190Cheops' Law: 14191 Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. 14192% 14193Chess tonight. 14194% 14195Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire. 14196% 14197Chicago, n.: 14198 Where the dead still vote ... early and often! 14199% 14200Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36: 14201 Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn 14202 headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer". 14203 -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81 14204% 14205Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84: 14206 The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request 14207for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will 14208cheerfully baste you. 14209 -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82 14210% 14211Chicagoan: "So, where're you from?" 14212Hoosier: "What's wrong with Indiana?" 14213% 14214Chicken Little only has to be right once. 14215% 14216Chicken Little was right. 14217% 14218Chicken Soup, n.: 14219 An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, 14220 cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup 14221 can't cure is neurotic dependence on one's mother. 14222 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 14223% 14224Chihuahuas drive me crazy. I can't stand anything that 14225shivers when it's warm. 14226% 14227Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like 14228them. That's when they come over and violate your body space. 14229% 14230Children are natural mimics who act like their parents 14231despite every effort to teach them good manners. 14232% 14233Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're 14234going to catch you in next. 14235 -- Franklin P. Jones 14236% 14237Children aren't happy without something to ignore, 14238And that's what parents were created for. 14239 -- Ogden Nash 14240% 14241Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them. 14242Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. 14243 -- Oscar Wilde 14244% 14245Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually 14246repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. 14247% 14248Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. 14249 -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" 14250% 14251Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks." 14252% 14253Chism's Law of Completion: 14254 The amount of time required to complete a government project is 14255 precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it. 14256% 14257Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: 14258 When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. 14259% 14260Chivalry, Schmivalry! 14261 Roger the thief has a 14262 method he uses for 14263 sneaky attacks: 14264Folks who are reading are 14265 Characteristically 14266 Always Forgetting to 14267 Guard their own bac ... 14268% 14269Chocolate Chip. 14270% 14271Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as 14272a friend if she were a man. 14273 -- Joubert 14274% 14275Chorus: 14276 Grandma got run over by a reindeer, 14277 Walking home from our house Christmas eve. 14278 You can say there's no such thing as Santa, 14279 But as for me and Grandpa, we believe! 14280She'd been drinking too much eggnog, 14281And we begged her not to go. 14282But she'd forgot her medication, When we found her Christmas morning, 14283And she staggered through the door At the scene of the attack. 14284 out in the snow. She had hoofprints on her forehead, 14285 And incriminating claus-marks on her 14286Now we're all so proud of Grandpa, back. 14287He's been taking this so well. 14288See him in there watching football. I've warned all my friends and 14289Drinking beer and playing cards neighbors, 14290 with cousin Mel. Better watch out for yourselves! 14291 They should never give a license, 14292 To a man who drives a sleigh and 14293 plays with elves! 14294 -- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" 14295% 14296Christ: 14297 A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time. 14298% 14299Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him. 14300% 14301Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it. 14302 -- George Bernard Shaw 14303% 14304Christmas time is here, by Golly; Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens; 14305Disapproval would be folly; Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens; 14306Deck the halls with hunks of holly; Even though the prospect sickens, 14307Fill the cup and don't say when... Brother, here we go again. 14308 14309On Christmas day, you can't get sore; Relations sparing no expense'll, 14310Your fellow man you must adore; Send some useless old utensil, 14311There's time to rob him all the more, Or a matching pen and pencil, 14312The other three hundred and sixty-four! Just the thing I need... how nice. 14313 14314It doesn't matter how sincere Hark The Herald-Tribune sings, 14315It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit; Advertising wondrous things. 14316Sentiment will not endear it; God Rest Ye Merry Merchants, 14317What's important is... the price. May you make the Yuletide pay. 14318 Angels We Have Heard On High, 14319Let the raucous sleighbells jingle; Tell us to go out and buy. 14320Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle, Sooooo... 14321Driving his reindeer across the sky, 14322Don't stand underneath when they fly by! 14323 -- Tom Lehrer 14324% 14325Churchill's Commentary on Man: 14326 Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the 14327time he will pick himself up and continue on. 14328% 14329Cigarette, n.: 14330 A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in 14331 between. 14332% 14333Cinemuck, n.: 14334 The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which 14335 covers the floors of movie theaters. 14336 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 14337% 14338Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances. 14339 -- Herodotus 14340% 14341Civilization and profits go hand in hand. 14342 -- Calvin Coolidge 14343% 14344Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening. 14345See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information. 14346% 14347Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities. 14348 -- Mark Twain 14349% 14350Clairvoyant, n.: 14351 A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that 14352which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead. 14353 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 14354% 14355Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who 14356aspires to be a hero... must drink brandy. 14357 -- Samuel Johnson 14358% 14359Clarke's Conclusion: 14360 Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing. 14361% 14362Class, that's the only thing that counts in life. Class. 14363Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead. 14364 -- "Bugsy" Siegel 14365% 14366Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're 14367leading the parade. 14368 -- Bill Battie 14369% 14370Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune. 14371 -- Kin Hubbard, "Abe Martin's Sayings" 14372% 14373Clay's Conclusion: 14374 Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. 14375% 14376Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like 14377shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. 14378 -- Phyllis Diller 14379% 14380Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. 14381 -- P. J. O'Rourke 14382% 14383CLEVELAND: 14384 Where their last tornado did six 14385 million dollars worth of improvements. 14386% 14387Cleveland still lives. God _m_u_s_t be dead. 14388% 14389Cleveland? 14390Yes, I spent a week there one day. 14391% 14392Climate and Surgery 14393 R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who 14394received a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at 14395the time could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the 14396day before - walking several blocks at a time. To those who design to be 14397riddled with bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially 14398recommend our Sacramento climate and Sacramento surgery. 14399 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 11, 1861 14400% 14401Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer. 14402 "Wait a minute. Aren't you a string?" 14403 "Well, yes, I am." 14404 "Sorry. We don't serve strings here." 14405 The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by. "Excuse, 14406me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?" The 14407passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar. "May I have a beer, 14408please?" it asked the bartender. 14409 The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped. 14410"Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?" 14411 "No, I'm a frayed knot." 14412% 14413Clone, n.: 14414 1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their 14415 product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product 14416 is a clone of our product." 14417% 14418Clones are people two. 14419% 14420Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. 14421% 14422Clothes make the man. 14423Naked people have little or no influence on society. 14424 -- Mark Twain 14425% 14426Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly: 14427 The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated 14428 than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere, 14429 bread becomes hard while crackers become soft. 14430% 14431Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm? 14432Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one. 14433 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted 14434 14435Coach: How about a beer, Norm? 14436Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life. 14437 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted 14438 14439Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm? 14440Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in. 14441 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights 14442% 14443Coach: How's it going, Norm? 14444Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'. 14445 -- Cheers, Truce or Consequences 14446 14447Sam: What's up, Norm? 14448Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there. 14449 -- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action 14450 14451Coach: What's the story, Norm? 14452Norm: Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it. 14453 -- Cheers, Endless Slumper 14454% 14455Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie? 14456Norm: Daddy wuvs you. 14457 -- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail 14458 14459Sam: What'd you like, Normie? 14460Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer. 14461 -- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man 14462 14463Sam: What will you have, Norm? 14464Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass 14465 of whatever comes out of that tap. 14466Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm. 14467Norm: Call me Mister Lucky. 14468 -- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner 14469% 14470Coach: What's up, Norm? 14471Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach. 14472 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights 14473 14474Coach: What's shaking, Norm? 14475Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach. 14476 -- Cheers, Snow Job 14477 14478Coach: Beer, Normie? 14479Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week. 14480 Eh, why not, I'm still young. 14481 -- Cheers, Snow Job 14482% 14483COBOL: 14484 An exercise in Artificial Inelegance. 14485% 14486COBOL: 14487 Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic. 14488% 14489COBOL is for morons. 14490 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 14491% 14492COBOL programmers are down in the dumps. 14493% 14494Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan. 14495% 14496Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a 14497terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead. 14498% 14499Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- 14500"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am." 14501 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 14502% 14503Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong. 14504 -- Blair Houghton 14505% 14506Cohen's Law: 14507 There is no bottom to worse. 14508% 14509Cohn's Law: 14510 The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less 14511 time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend 14512 all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing. 14513% 14514Coincidence, n.: 14515 You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was 14516 going on. 14517% 14518Coincidences are spiritual puns. 14519 -- G. K. Chesterton 14520% 14521Cold, adj.: 14522 When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own 14523 pockets. 14524% 14525Cold hands, no gloves. 14526% 14527Cole's Law: 14528 Thinly sliced cabbage. 14529% 14530Collaboration, n.: 14531 A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the 14532 other fellow can spell. 14533% 14534COLLEGE: 14535 The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink. 14536% 14537College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the 14538faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if 14539the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, 14540legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the 14541loss to humanity. 14542 -- H. L. Mencken 14543% 14544COLORADO: 14545 Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel. 14546% 14547Colorless green ideas sleep furiously. 14548% 14549Column 1 Column 2 Column 3 14550 145510. integrated 0. management 0. options 145521. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility 145532. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability 145543. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility 145554. functional 4. digital 4. programming 145565. responsive 5. logistical 5. concept 145576. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase 145587. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection 145598. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware 145609. balanced 9. policy 9. contingency 14561 14562 The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, then select 14563the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces 14564"systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into 14565virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. "No 14566one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton, 14567"but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it." 14568 -- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship" 14569% 14570Colvard's Logical Premises: 14571 All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it 14572 won't. 14573 14574Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: 14575 This is especially true when dealing with someone you're 14576 attracted to. 14577 14578Grelb's Commentary: 14579 Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. 14580% 14581Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, 14582And every vector dreams of matrices. 14583Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: 14584It whispers of a more ergodic zone. 14585 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 14586% 14587Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring 14588Your winter garment of repentance fling. 14589The bird of time has but a little way 14590To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing. 14591 -- Omar Khayyam 14592% 14593Come home America. 14594 -- George McGovern, 1972 14595% 14596Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over, 14597Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober. 14598 -- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2 14599% 14600Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, 14601Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, 14602Their indices bedecked from one to _n, 14603Commingled in an endless Markov chain! 14604 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 14605% 14606Come live with me, and be my love, 14607And we will some new pleasures prove 14608Of golden sands, and crystal brooks, 14609With silken lines, and silver hooks. 14610 -- John Donne 14611% 14612Come live with me and be my love, 14613And we will some new pleasures prove 14614Of golden sands and crystal brooks 14615With silken lines, and silver hooks. 14616There's nothing that I wouldn't do 14617If you would be my POSSLQ. 14618 14619You live with me, and I with you, 14620And you will be my POSSLQ. 14621I'll be your friend and so much more; 14622That's what a POSSLQ is for. 14623 14624And everything we will confess; 14625Yes, even to the IRS. 14626Some day on what we both may earn, 14627Perhaps we'll file a joint return. 14628You'll share my pad, my taxes, joint; 14629You'll share my life - up to a point! 14630And that you'll be so glad to do, 14631Because you'll be my POSSLQ. 14632% 14633Come, muse, let us sing of rats! 14634 -- From a poem by James Grainger (1721-1767) 14635% 14636Come quickly, I am tasting stars! 14637 -- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne 14638% 14639Come, you spirits 14640That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here, 14641And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full 14642Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood, 14643Stop up the access and passage to remorse 14644That no compunctious visiting of nature 14645Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between 14646The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts, 14647And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers, 14648Wherever in your sightless substances 14649You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night, 14650And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell, 14651That my keen knife see not the wound it makes, 14652Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark, 14653To cry `Hold, hold!' 14654 -- Lady Macbeth, "Macbeth" 14655% 14656Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public. 14657% 14658Coming to Stores Near You: 14659 14660101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring: 14661 14662 (You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Dog 14663 It Doesn't Mean a Thing If It Hasn't Got That Swing 14664 I'm Not Misbehaving 14665 14666And A Whole Lot More... 14667% 14668Coming together is a beginning; 14669 keeping together is progress; 14670 working together is success. 14671% 14672Command, n.: 14673 Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in 14674 such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control. 14675% 14676Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways. 14677 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 14678% 14679Commitment, n.: 14680 Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. 14681 The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. 14682% 14683Committee, n.: 14684 A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group 14685 decide that nothing can be done. 14686 -- Fred Allen 14687% 14688Committee Rules: 14689 (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner. 14690 (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this 14691 stamps you as being wise. 14692 (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the 14693 others. 14694 (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed. 14695 (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you 14696 popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for. 14697% 14698Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to 14699be appointed to do the work. 14700% 14701Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at 14702different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. 14703 -- Clive James 14704% 14705Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius. 14706 -- Josh Billings 14707% 14708Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. 14709 -- Albert Einstein 14710% 14711Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. 14712Everyone thinks he has enough. 14713 -- Rene Descartes, 1637 14714% 14715Commoner's three laws of ecology: 14716 1) No action is without side-effects. 14717 2) Nothing ever goes away. 14718 3) There is no free lunch. 14719% 14720Communicate! It can't make things any worse. 14721% 14722Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness 14723of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule." 14724 -- David Guaspari 14725% 14726Comparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that software 14727has the ability to wear out. Software typically behaves, or it does not. It 14728either works, or it does not. Software generally does not degrade, abrade, 14729stretch, twist, or ablate. To treat it as a physical entity, therefore, is 14730misapplication of our engineering skills. Classical engineering deals with 14731the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the 14732characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management. 14733 -- Dan Klein 14734% 14735COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler 14736one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal. 14737 -- J. N. Gray 14738% 14739Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, 14740is in the eye of the beholder. 14741 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter 14742% 14743Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's 14744courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not 14745be enough. 14746 -- Gene Scott 14747% 14748COMPLEX SYSTEM: 14749 One with real problems and imaginary profits. 14750% 14751COMPLIMENT: 14752 When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true. 14753% 14754Compuberty, n.: 14755 The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a 14756 computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and 14757 a sun4 is put online sharing files. 14758% 14759COMPUTER: 14760 An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a 14761 totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe 14762 this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan. 14763% 14764Computer programmers do it byte by byte. 14765% 14766Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing. 14767% 14768Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available. 14769% 14770COMPUTER SCIENCE: 14771 1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the 14772 precision of the former and the success of the latter. 14773 2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms. 14774 3) The costly enumeration of the obvious. 14775 4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities. 14776 5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light. 14777 6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory. 14778% 14779Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about 14780telescopes. 14781 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 14782% 14783Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view 14784adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance 14785 -- Jim Horning 14786% 14787Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. 14788% 14789Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. 14790Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. 14791 -- Gilb 14792% 14793Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. 14794 -- Pablo Picasso 14795% 14796Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in 14797the world that just don't add up. 14798% 14799Computers can't cruise. Meandering is a foreign concept to them. 14800The computer assumes that all behavior is in pursuit of an ultimate 14801goal. Whenever a motorist changes his or her mind and veers off 14802course, the GPS lady issues that snippy announcement: "Recalculating!" 14803 -- Joel Achenbach (www.slate.com, 20 Jun 2008) 14804% 14805Computers don't actually think. 14806 You just think they think. 14807 (We think.) 14808% 14809Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more 14810than the estimate the job will cost. 14811% 14812Conceit causes more conversation than wit. 14813 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld 14814% 14815Concept, n.: 14816 Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than 14817 $25,000. 14818% 14819Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed 14820from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds. 14821 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" 14822% 14823Condense soup, not books! 14824% 14825CONFERENCE: 14826 A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear 14827 what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what 14828 he's already decided to do. 14829% 14830Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; 14831confess them to man and you will be laughed at. 14832 -- Josh Billings 14833% 14834Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career. 14835% 14836Confession is good for the soul only in the sense 14837that a tweed coat is good for dandruff. 14838 -- Peter de Vries 14839% 14840Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for 14841the reputation. 14842 -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar 14843% 14844Confidant, confidante, n.: 14845 One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C. 14846 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 14847% 14848Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you 14849fall flat on your face. 14850 -- Dr. L. Binder 14851% 14852Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. 14853% 14854CONFIRMED BACHELOR: 14855 A man who goes through life without a hitch. 14856% 14857Conflicting research paradigms 14858Have legitimized various crimes. 14859 The worst we can see 14860 Is in psychology, 14861Measuring reaction times. 14862% 14863Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative. 14864% 14865Confucius say too damn much! 14866% 14867Confucius say too much. 14868 -- Recent Chinese proverb 14869% 14870Confusion will be my epitaph 14871as I walk a cracked and broken path 14872If we make it we can all sit back and laugh 14873but I fear that tomorrow we'll be crying. 14874 -- King Crimson, "In the Court of the Crimson King" 14875% 14876Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system. 14877If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't 14878hesitate to ask! 14879% 14880Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that 14881would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that 14882you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer 14883maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS 14884OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY 14885UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED 14886IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD 14887WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND 14888SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, 14889RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, 14890RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE 14891FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT? 14892 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" 14893% 14894Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid. 14895 14896He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the 14897Year award. 14898% 14899Congratulations! 14900 14901Some products leave home silently, some go kicking and screaming. If 14902v1.0 was the first born who came downstairs with shoes untied missing 14903a sock and a belt, then this one was a full fledged punk rocker 14904with neon hair and multiple piercings. I believe we squeezed it into 14905a suit and tie and brought its color back to an earth tone before it 14906left. 14907 14908 -- An HP engineering project manager who shall remain 14909 nameless to the development team after releasing 14910 the second version of their product. 14911% 14912Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime. 14913 14914 Mathematician's Proof: 14915 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. By induction, all 14916 odd numbers are prime. 14917 Physicist's Proof: 14918 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is experimental 14919 error. 11 is prime. 13 is prime ... 14920 Engineer's Proof: 14921 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime. 14922 11 is prime. 13 is prime ... 14923 Computer Scientist's Proof: 14924 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime... 14925% 14926Connector Conspiracy, n.: 14927 [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the 14928KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of 14929manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything) 14930to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old 14931stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive 14932interface devices. 14933% 14934Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe. 14935% 14936Conquering the world on horseback is easy; it is dismounting and 14937governing that is hard. 14938 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan 14939% 14940Conscience doth make cowards of us all. 14941 -- William Shakespeare 14942% 14943Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. 14944 -- H. L. Mencken 14945% 14946Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts 14947when everything else feels great. 14948% 14949Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody may be looking. 14950 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Mencken Chrestomathy" 14951% 14952Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. 14953% 14954Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you 14955wish you weren't. 14956% 14957CONSENT DECREE: 14958 A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit 14959 in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it 14960 never admitted to in the first place. 14961% 14962Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich. 14963 -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones] 14964% 14965Conservative: 14966 One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead. 14967 -- Leo C. Rosten 14968% 14969Conservative, n.: 14970 A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished 14971 from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others. 14972 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 14973% 14974Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion... 14975 -- Professor in the UCB physics department 14976% 14977Consider the following axioms carefully: 14978 "Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz." 14979 and 14980 "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it." 14981What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker? The 14982thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being? Try not to 14983consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke". 14984% 14985Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal 14986it is which never entrusts its life to one hole only. 14987 -- Titus Maccius Plautus 14988% 14989Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in 14990the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. 14991 -- Josh Billings 14992% 14993CONSULTANT: 14994 (1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell 14995 you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title 14996 of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have 14997 Calculator, Will Travel. 14998% 14999CONSULTANT: 15000 An ordinary man a long way from home. 15001% 15002CONSULTANT: 15003 [From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con 15004 (vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of 15005 "insult."] A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who 15006 has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase 15007 and heavy wallet. 15008% 15009CONSULTANT: 15010 Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a 15011 lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth. 15012% 15013Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then 15014give it back to them. 15015% 15016CONSULTATION: 15017 Medical term meaning "to share the wealth." 15018% 15019Contemporary American feminism's simplistic psychology is illustrated by 15020the new cliche of the date-rape furor: "`No' always means `no'." Will 15021we ever graduate from the Girl Scouts? "No" has always been, and always 15022will be, part of the dangerous alluring courtship ritual of sex and 15023seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom. 15024 -- Camille Paglia, NY Times, Dec. 14 1990, Op Ed. 15025% 15026"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and 15027if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" 15028 -- Lewis Carroll, 15029 "Through the Looking-Glass, 15030 and What Alice Found There" (1871) 15031% 15032Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern 15033technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat. 15034% 15035Convention is the ruler of all. 15036 -- Pindar 15037% 15038Conversation enriches the understanding, 15039but solitude is the school of genius. 15040% 15041Conversation, n.: 15042 A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath 15043 is called the listener. 15044% 15045Conway's Law: 15046 In any organization there will always be one person who knows 15047 what is going on. 15048 15049 This person must be fired. 15050% 15051Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the 15052line-up. 15053 -- Raymond Chandler 15054% 15055COPYING MACHINE: 15056 A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages, 15057 and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't 15058 interested in reading them. 15059% 15060Coronation, n.: 15061 The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and 15062 visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a 15063 dynamite bomb. 15064 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15065% 15066Correction does much, but encouragement does more. 15067 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 15068% 15069Corrupt, adj.: 15070 In politics, holding an office of trust or profit. 15071% 15072Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a 15073muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can 15074make of capitalism. 15075 -- Walter Lippmann 15076% 15077Corruption is not the No. 1 priority of the Police Commissioner. 15078His job is to enforce the law and fight crime. 15079 -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan 15080% 15081Corry's Law: 15082 Paper is always strongest at the perforations. 15083% 15084Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell 15085at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure 15086the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse 15087mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention 15088being easier to stake. 15089% 15090Counting in binary is just like counting 15091in decimal -- if you are all thumbs. 15092 -- Glaser and Way 15093% 15094Counting in octal is just like counting 15095in decimal -- if you don't use your thumbs. 15096 -- Tom Lehrer 15097% 15098Courage is fear that has said its prayers. 15099% 15100Courage is grace under pressure. 15101% 15102Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear. 15103 -- Mark Twain 15104% 15105Courage is your greatest present need. 15106% 15107Court, n.: 15108 A place where they dispense with justice. 15109 -- Arthur Train 15110% 15111Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play. 15112 -- William Congreve 15113% 15114Coward, n.: 15115 One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. 15116 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15117% 15118Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with 15119nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. 15120 -- Wernher von Braun 15121% 15122Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!! 15123% 15124Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking 15125process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical 15126attention to detail. It requires intelligence, dedication, and an 15127enormous amount of hard work. But, a certain amount of unpredictable 15128and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference 15129between adequacy and excellence. 15130% 15131Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for 15132peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being 15133ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll 15134say it was obvious all along. 15135 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt 15136% 15137Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing. 15138% 15139Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility; 15140sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube. 15141% 15142Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man. 15143 -- James Blish 15144% 15145CREDITOR: 15146 A man who has a better memory than a debtor. 15147% 15148Crenna's Law of Political Accountability: 15149 If you are the first to know about something bad, 15150 you are going to be held responsible for acting on it, 15151 regardless of your formal duties. 15152% 15153Crime does not pay... as well as politics. 15154 -- A. E. Neuman 15155% 15156Critic, n.: 15157 A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries 15158 to please him. 15159 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15160% 15161Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship. 15162 -- Zeuxis 15163% 15164Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've 15165seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves. 15166 -- Brendan Behan 15167% 15168Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt? 15169 -- Socrates' last words 15170% 15171Croll's Query: 15172 If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of? 15173% 15174Cropp's Law: 15175 The amount of work done varies inversely 15176 with the time spent in the office. 15177% 15178Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them. 15179 -- Madonna 15180% 15181Cruickshank's Law of Committees: 15182 If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it 15183 will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so 15184 much work has already been done on it. 15185% 15186Crusade for Cthulhu! It Found ME! 15187% 15188Crush! Kill! Destroy! 15189% 15190Cthulhu Cthucks! 15191% 15192Cthulhu for President! 15193 (If you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.) 15194% 15195Cthulhu Saves -- in case He's hungry later. 15196% 15197Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why. 15198% 15199Cure the disease and kill the patient. 15200 -- Francis Bacon 15201% 15202CURSOR: 15203 One whose program will not run. 15204 -- Robb Russon 15205% 15206Cursor address, n.: 15207 "Hello, cursor!" 15208 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 15209% 15210curtation n. The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field 15211environment. 15212 The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names, 15213addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial 15214matter. Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more 15215people than any other aspect of data processing. You order Mozart's "Don 15216Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG. 15217The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous! Equally puzzling is 15218the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you 15219order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds". 15220Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses, 15221check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent, 15222possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL." The squeezing of fruit into 10 15223columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP. The examples 15224cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still 15225with us. 15226 15227MOZ DONG n. 15228 Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da 15229Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l 15230Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y. 15231 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 15232% 15233Custer committed Siouxicide. 15234% 15235Cut a man's hand when you fight him. He'll freeze, fascinated by the sight 15236of his own blood. That's when you stick him in the throat. 15237 -- Gerry Youghkins 15238 15239If you look rather casual with the knife when you flick it open, people 15240don't like it. 15241 -- Gerry Youghkins 15242% 15243Cutler Webster's Law: 15244 There are two sides to every argument, unless a person 15245 is personally involved, in which case there is only one. 15246% 15247Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It 15248eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the 15249business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation. 15250 -- Johnny Hart 15251% 15252Cynic, n.: 15253 A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not 15254as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking 15255out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. 15256 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15257% 15258Cynic, n.: 15259 Experienced. 15260% 15261Cynic, n.: 15262 One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye. 15263% 15264Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why 15265several of us died of tuberculosis. 15266 -- Jack Handey 15267% 15268<Daibashiw> Wasn't EMACS originally developed as a swap memory stresser, 15269though? 15270 15271<``Erik> lispos emulator? gotta admit it's well featured, the only thing 15272it lacks is a decent editor 15273% 15274DALLAS: 15275 The city that chose Astroturf to 15276 keep the cheerleaders from grazing. 15277% 15278Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead. 15279% 15280Dammit Jim, I'm an actor not a doctor. 15281% 15282Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway! 15283% 15284Damn braces. 15285 -- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell" 15286% 15287Damn, I need a Coke! 15288 -- Dr. William DeVries 15289 [after implanting the first artificial human heart] 15290% 15291DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE! 15292% 15293Dare to be naive. 15294 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 15295% 15296Dark and lonely on a summer night 15297 Kill my landlord, 15298 Kill my landlord. 15299The watchdog barkin' 15300Do he bite? 15301 Kill my landlord, 15302 Kill my landlord. 15303Slip in his window. 15304Break his neck. 15305Then his house I start to wreck 15306Got no reason, 15307What the heck? 15308 Kill my landlord, 15309 Kill my landlord. 15310 C-I-L-L my landlord! 15311 -- "Images" by Tyrone Green, SNL 15312% 15313Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the 15314opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember. 15315 -- Oliver Herford 15316% 15317Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold! 15318 -- Princess Leia Organa 15319% 15320Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. 15321% 15322DATA: 15323 An accrual of straws on the backs of theories. 15324% 15325DATA: 15326 Computerspeak for "information". Properly pronounced 15327 the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child. 15328% 15329Data is not information; 15330Information is not knowledge; 15331Knowledge is not wisdom; 15332 -- Gary Flake 15333% 15334Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par." 15335Allen Gwinn: "Yours is." 15336% 15337David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans": 15338 15339 * Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO 15340 * Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE" 15341 * Hourly motel rates 15342 * Vast majority of Elvis movies made here 15343 * Didn't just give up right away during World War II 15344 like some countries we could mention 15345 * Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies 15346 * Our well-behaved golf professionals 15347 * Fabulous babes coast to coast 15348% 15349David Sarnoff, 1964: "The computer will become the hub of a vast network of 15350remote data stations and information banks feeding into the machine at 15351a transmission rate of a billion or more bits of information a 15352second. Laser channels will vastly increase both data capacity and the 15353speeds with which it will be transmitted. Eventually, a global 15354communications network handling voice, data and facsimile will 15355instantly link man to machine--or machine to machine--by land, air, 15356underwater, and space circuits. [The computer] will affect man's 15357ways of thinking, his means of education, his relationship to his physical 15358and social environment, and it will alter his ways of living... 15359[Before the end of this century, these forces] will coalesce into what 15360unquestionably will become the greatest adventure of the human mind." 15361 -- Eugene Lyons, "David Sarnoff" 1966 15362% 15363Davis' Law of Traffic Density: 15364 The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to 15365 1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time. 15366% 15367Davis's Dictum: 15368 Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves. 15369% 15370Dawn, n.: 15371 The time when men of reason go to bed. 15372 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15373% 15374Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed. 15375% 15376%DCL-E-MEMBAD, bad memory 15377-SYSTEM-F-VMSPDGERS, pudding between the ears 15378% 15379DEADWOOD: 15380 Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are. 15381% 15382Dealing with failure is easy: 15383 Work hard to improve. 15384Success is also easy to handle: 15385 You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve. 15386% 15387Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation, 15388all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year. 15389 -- C. N. Parkinson 15390% 15391Dear Emily: 15392 How can I choose what groups to post in? 15393 -- Confused 15394 15395Dear Confused: 15396 Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience. After 15397all, the net exists to give you an audience. Ignore those who suggest you 15398should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate. 15399Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested. 15400 Always make sure followups go to all the groups. In the rare event 15401that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you 15402expand the list of groups. Never include a "Followup-to:" line in the 15403header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in 15404the fringe groups. 15405 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 15406% 15407Dear Emily: 15408 I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to 15409summarize. What should I do? 15410 -- Editor 15411 15412Dear Editor: 15413 Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post 15414that. On USENET, this is known as a summary. It lets people read all the 15415replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way. Do the same when 15416summarizing a vote. 15417 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 15418% 15419Dear Emily: 15420 I recently read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize." 15421What should I do? 15422 -- Doubtful 15423 15424Dear Doubtful: 15425 Post your response to the whole net. That request applies only to 15426dumb people who don't have something interesting to say. Your postings are 15427much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be a waste to reply by 15428mail. 15429 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 15430% 15431Dear Emily: 15432 I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should 15433I do? 15434 -- Angry 15435 15436Dear Angry: 15437 Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments 15438between the lines. Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article 15439looks like a reply to the original. Everybody *loves* to read those long 15440point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and 15441lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges. 15442 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 15443% 15444Dear Emily: 15445 I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I 15446tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for 15447his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired. 15448Everybody laughed at me. What can I do? 15449 -- A Concerned Citizen 15450 15451Dear Concerned: 15452 Go to the daily papers. Most modern reporters are top-notch computer 15453experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly. They 15454will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely 15455represent the situation properly to the public. The public will also all 15456act wisely, as they are also fully cognizant of the subtle nature of net 15457society. 15458 Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things 15459like racism and sexism wherever they might exist. Be sure as well that they 15460understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant 15461literally. Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if 15462possible. If regular papers won't take the story, go to a tabloid paper -- 15463they are always interested in good stories. 15464% 15465Dear Emily: 15466 I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be posted 15467to. How about an example? 15468 -- Still Confused 15469 15470Dear Still: 15471 Ok. Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from 15472the Oilers to the Kings. Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey 15473would be enough. WRONG. Many more people might be interested. This is a 15474big trade! Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy 15475as well. If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try 15476news.admin. If not, use news.misc. 15477 The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics. 15478He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also 15479interested in stars. Next, his name is Polish sounding. So post to 15480soc.culture.polish. But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to 15481news.groups suggesting it should be created. With this many groups of 15482interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as 15483well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles 15484there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.) 15485 You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each 15486group. If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders 15487will only show the article to the reader once! Don't tolerate this. 15488 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 15489% 15490Dear Emily: 15491 Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature. 15492What should I do? 15493 -- Forgetful 15494 15495Dear Forgetful: 15496 Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says, 15497"Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article. Here 15498it is." 15499 Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article, 15500(particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy 15501signature) this will remind them of it. Besides, people care much more 15502about the signature anyway. 15503 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 15504% 15505Dear Emily, what about test messages? 15506 -- Concerned 15507 15508Dear Concerned: 15509 It is important, when testing, to test the entire net. Never test 15510merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done. Also put "please 15511ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips 15512a message with a line like that. Don't use a subject like "My sex is female 15513but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read in depth 15514by all USEnauts. 15515 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 15516% 15517Dear Freshman, 15518 You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but 15519unknown to you we have something in common. We are both rather 15520prone to mistakes. I was elected Student Government President by 15521mistake, and you came to school here by mistake. 15522% 15523Dear Lord: 15524 I just want *_o_n_e* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On 15525the other hand", again. 15526% 15527Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may 15528have to eat them. 15529% 15530Dear Miss Manners: 15531 My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's 15532elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between 15533courses, is all right. Which is correct? 15534 15535Gentle Reader: 15536 For the purpose of answering examinations in your home 15537economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this principle 15538of education may be of even greater importance to you now than learning 15539correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners believes that is. 15540% 15541Dear Miss Manners: 15542 Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from 15543your face. 15544 15545Gentle Reader: 15546 Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on 15547your face ... 15548% 15549Dear Miss Manners: 15550I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of 15551rain. May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection? 15552This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella 15553protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting 15554soaked. I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken, 15555and I don't even know her name. Could I have asked her to get under my 15556umbrella without seeming insulting? 15557 15558Gentle Reader: 15559Certainly. Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper, 15560although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how 15561attractive she is. In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss 15562Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection 15563before making your attack. 15564% 15565Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part 15566of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old 15567will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a 15568commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as 15569"Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a 15570table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always 15571says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Doesn't that really mean, 15572"Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this 15573complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim 15574if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a 15575dead bat? 15576 15577Answer: Yes. 15578 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 15579% 15580Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? 15581 15582Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business 15583signs to alert the reader that an "S" is coming up at the end of a 15584word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR 15585ANY ITEM'S. Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when 15586creating hand-lettered small-business signs is that you should put 15587quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT 15588DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S. 15589 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 15590% 15591Dear Ms. Postnews: 15592 I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site. What 15593 should I do? 15594 -- Eager Beaver 15595 15596Dear Eager: 15597 No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people 15598read. Say, "This is for John Smith. I couldn't get mail through so I'm 15599posting it. All others please ignore." 15600 This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning 15601over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective 15602time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet 15603maps or looking for alternate routes. Just think, if you couldn't distribute 15604your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call 15605directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person. This can cost 15606as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call! 15607 And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's 15608money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight 15609letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp! 15610 Don't forget. The world will end if your message doesn't get through, 15611so post it as many places as you can. 15612 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 15613% 15614Death before dishonor. 15615But neither before breakfast. 15616% 15617Death comes on every passing breeze, 15618He lurks in every flower; 15619Each season has its own disease, 15620Its peril -- every hour. 15621 -- Reginald Heber 15622% 15623Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats. 15624% 15625Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort 15626of like a shell leaving the nut behind. 15627 -- Erma Bombeck 15628% 15629Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. 15630% 15631Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. 15632 -- R. Geis 15633% 15634Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings. 15635% 15636Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'. 15637% 15638Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. 15639% 15640Death is only a state of mind. 15641 15642Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else. 15643% 15644Death rays don't kill people, people kill people! 15645% 15646Death to all fanatics! 15647% 15648DEATH WISH: 15649 The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to. 15650% 15651Debug is human, de-fix divine. 15652% 15653Debugging is anticipated with distaste, performed with reluctance, 15654and bragged about forever. -- Button at the Boston Computer Museum 15655% 15656DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale. 15657 -- Mel Ferentz 15658% 15659Decemba, n: The 12th month of the year. 15660erra, n: A mistake. 15661faa, n: To, from, or at considerable distance. 15662Linder, n: A female name. 15663memba, n: To recall to the mind; think of again. 15664New Hampsha, n: A state in the northeast United States. 15665New Yaak, n: Another state in the northeast United States. 15666Novemba, n: The 11th month of the year. 15667Octoba, n: The 10th month of the year. 15668ova, n: Location above or across a specified position. What the 15669 season is when the Knicks quit playing. 15670 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary 15671% 15672Decision maker, n.: 15673 The person in your office who was unable to form a task force 15674 before the music stopped. 15675% 15676Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really 15677overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene 15678language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the 15679judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when 15680addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang). 15681 -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing Assoc. 15682% 15683Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature. 15684 -- Pink Floyd, "The Wall" 15685% 15686Decorate your home. It gives the illusion 15687that your life is more interesting than it really is. 15688 -- C. Schultz 15689% 15690"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of 15691marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a 15692theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, 15693those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly 15694blessed. 15695 -- Randy Davis 15696% 15697DEFAULT: 15698 The hardware's, of course. 15699% 15700Default, n.: 15701 [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you, 15702mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will 15703come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear. 15704 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 15705% 15706Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat. 15707 -- Bill Musselman 15708% 15709#define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255) 15710#define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \ 15711 - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \ 15712 - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111)) 15713 15714 -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word 15715% 15716Definitions of hardware and software for dummies: 15717 15718 Hardware is what you kick; 15719 Software is what you curse. 15720% 15721Deflector shields just came on, Captain. 15722% 15723(defun NF (a c) 15724 (cond ((null c) () ) 15725 ((atom (car c)) 15726 (append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cadr c)))) 15727 (nf a (cddr c)))) 15728 (t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c)))))) 15729 15730(defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area) 15731 (cond 15732 ((or (not (equal want-job 'yes)) 15733 (not (equal boston-area 'yes)) 15734 (lessp challenging 7)) () ) 15735 (t (append (nf (get 'ad 'expr) 15736 '((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1) 15737 (car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1) 15738 (car 2 caadr 4))) 15739 (list '851-5071x2661))))) 15740;;; We are an affirmative action employer. 15741% 15742DEJA VU: 15743 French., already seen; unoriginal; trite. 15744 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced 15745 something actually being encountered for the first time. 15746 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced 15747 something actually being encountered for the first time. 15748% 15749Delay is preferable to error. 15750 -- Thomas Jefferson 15751% 15752Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly. 15753 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1 15754 15755Here is a letter, read it at your leisure. 15756 -- William Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1 15757 15758 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 15759 referring to I/O system services.] 15760% 15761Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and 15762related hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences, 15763entails dangers that must not be underestimated. Practitioners must take 15764into account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability 15765to influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being. The 15766history of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that 15767can ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken 15768for a pleasure drug. Special internal and external advance preparations 15769are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience. 15770 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD 15771 15772I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability 15773more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjunction 15774with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder 15775child. 15776 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman 15777% 15778Deliberation, n.: 15779 The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is 15780 buttered on. 15781 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15782% 15783Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow. 15784% 15785Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever 15786skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious 15787to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an 15788overdose of fluoride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic 15789apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless 15790as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a 15791steroid-free fitness center. 15792 -- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest 15793% 15794Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about 15795her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad 15796nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth. 15797% 15798Demand the establishment of the government 15799in its rightful home at Disneyland. 15800% 15801Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors. 15802 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 15803% 15804Democracy can only be measured on the existence of an opposition. 15805 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 15806% 15807Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than 15808we deserve. 15809 -- George Bernard Shaw 15810% 15811Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder 15812aloud what the country could do under first-class management. 15813 -- Senator Soaper 15814% 15815Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the 15816incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. 15817 -- George Bernard Shaw 15818% 15819Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you 15820don't think. 15821% 15822Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who 15823will get the blame. 15824 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter 15825% 15826Democracy is also a form of worship. 15827It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. 15828 -- H. L. Mencken 15829% 15830Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse. 15831 -- Jawaharlal Nehru 15832% 15833Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them. 15834 -- Arman de Caillavet, 1913 15835% 15836Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people 15837are right more than half of the time. 15838 -- E. B. White 15839% 15840Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and 15841deserve to get it good and hard. 15842 -- H. L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916 15843% 15844Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other 15845forms that have been tried from time to time. 15846 -- Winston Churchill 15847% 15848Democracy, n.: 15849 A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass 15850meeting or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. 15851Attitude toward property is communistic... negating property rights. 15852Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, 15853whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion, 15854prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences. 15855Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy. 15856 -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932), 15857 since withdrawn. 15858% 15859Democracy, n.: 15860 In which you say what you like and do what you're told. 15861 -- Gerald Barry 15862 15863The difference between a Democracy and a Dictatorship is that in a 15864Democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a Dictatorship 15865you don't have to waste your time voting. 15866 -- Charles Bukowski 15867% 15868Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere. 15869Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group. 15870 15871Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA. 15872The remainder is thrown out. 15873 15874Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their paint brushes. 15875 15876Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper. 15877Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage. 15878 15879Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car 15880windows by Democrats. 15881 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules" 15882% 15883Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the 15884board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls. 15885% 15886Dental health is next to mental health. 15887% 15888Dentist, n.: 15889 A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, 15890 pulls coins out of one's pockets. 15891 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15892% 15893Denver, n.: 15894 A smallish city located just below the "O" in Colorado. 15895% 15896Depart in pieces, i.e., split. 15897% 15898Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you. 15899% 15900Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties. 15901% 15902Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, 15903but remember, it didn't help the rabbit. 15904 -- R. E. Shay 15905% 15906Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face. 15907% 15908Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null - 15909und das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt. 15910% 15911Design, v.: 15912 What you regret not doing later on. 15913% 15914Desist from enumerating your fowl 15915prior to their emergence from the shell. 15916% 15917Despising machines to a man, 15918The Luddites joined up with the Klan, 15919 And ride out by night 15920 In a sheeting of white 15921To lynch all the robots they can. 15922 -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson 15923% 15924Despite all appearances, your boss 15925is a thinking, feeling, human being. 15926% 15927Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will 15928be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over 15929the table. 15930 -- The Anarchist Cookbook 15931% 15932Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, 15933don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck. 15934 -- Joseph Heller, "God Knows" 15935% 15936Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter. 15937% 15938DeVries' Dilemma: 15939 If you hit two keys on the typewriter, 15940 the one you don't want hits the paper. 15941% 15942Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of 15943fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch. 15944 -- L. Ron Hubbard 15945% 15946Dibble's First Law of Sociology: 15947 Some do, some don't. 15948% 15949Did I say 2? I lied. 15950% 15951Did it ever occur to you that fat chance 15952and slim chance mean the same thing? 15953 15954Or that we drive on parkways and park on driveways? 15955% 15956Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control 15957has already been born? 15958 -- Benny Hill 15959% 15960Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think 15961that's how dogs spend their lives. 15962 -- Sue Murphy 15963% 15964Did you ever wonder what you'd say to God if He sneezed? 15965% 15966Did you hear about the model who sat 15967on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure? 15968% 15969Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and 15970Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently... 15971 15972Police suspect the work of a cereal killer! 15973% 15974Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship 15975the number zero? 15976 15977Is nothing sacred? 15978% 15979Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have 15980only recaptured 116 of them? 15981% 15982Did you know? 15983 EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED, 15984 APPROXIMATELY 15985 150,000,000 YEASTS ARE 15986 KILLED 15987 15988 Come to the award-winning 1987 film, 15989 "The Very Small and Quiet Screams" 15990 -- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked. 15991 15992A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't. 15993 15994 SPONSORED BY 15995 Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC) 15996 Student Bakers for Social Responsibility 15997 Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL) 15998 Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters 15999 16000Defend all life: "From greatest to least, from human to yeast!" 16001% 16002Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program? It makes a 16003selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes. Why not 16004try it, and see how offended you are? The -a ("all") option will 16005select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive 16006set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you 16007should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file. 16008% 16009Did you know that clones never use mirrors? 16010 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 16011% 16012Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's? 16013 -- P. J. Plauger 16014% 16015Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined 16016them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction? 16017% 16018Did you know ... 16019 16020That no-one ever reads these things? 16021% 16022Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot 16023that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states: 16024 16025 "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and 16026 squirrel." 16027 16028 -- ihuxw!tommyo 16029% 16030Did you know the University of Iowa 16031closed down after someone stole the book? 16032% 16033Didja' ever have to make up your mind, 16034Pick up on one and leave the other behind, 16035It's not often easy, and it's not often kind, 16036Didja' ever have to make up your mind? 16037 -- Lovin' Spoonful 16038% 16039Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshiper who sold his soul to Santa? 16040% 16041Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a 16042conventional thing to happen to him. 16043 -- John Barrymore's dying words 16044% 16045Die, v.: 16046 To stop sinning suddenly. 16047 -- Elbert Hubbard 16048% 16049Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine. 16050 -- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989 16051% 16052Dieters live life in the fasting lane. 16053% 16054Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little. 16055% 16056Digital circuits are made from analog parts. 16057 -- Don Vonada 16058% 16059Dignity is like a flag. 16060It flaps in a storm. 16061 -- Roy Mengot 16062% 16063Dime is money. 16064% 16065Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible 16066only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors. Velocity, 16067for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. 16068% 16069Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off. 16070% 16071Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite): 16072 1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce 16073 1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast 16074 1 carton milk 16075% 16076Dinosaurs aren't extinct. They've just learned to hide in the trees. 16077% 16078Diogenes, having abandoned his search for 16079truth, is now searching for a good fantasy. 16080% 16081Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone 16082asked him, after a few days. 16083 "Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern." 16084% 16085Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. 16086Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon. 16087 -- Sir Humphrey Appleby 16088% 16089Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way. 16090 -- Daniele Vare 16091% 16092Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock. 16093 -- Wynn Catlin 16094% 16095Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way. 16096 -- Balfour 16097% 16098Diplomacy, n.: 16099 Lying in state. 16100% 16101Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics: 16102 16103 1: Get elected. 16104 2: Get re-elected. 16105 3: Don't get mad, get even. 16106 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen 16107% 16108Disbar, n.: 16109 As distinguished from some other bar. 16110% 16111Disc space -- the final frontier! 16112% 16113Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my 16114employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely 16115coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is 16116non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the 16117absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. 16118The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for 16119the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, 16120non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.) 16121% 16122Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be 16123yours too." 16124 -- Dave Haynie 16125% 16126DISCLAIMER: 16127Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply 16128an endorsement of Western industrial civilization. 16129% 16130Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists. 16131% 16132Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. 16133% 16134Disease can be cured; fate is incurable. 16135 -- Chinese proverb 16136% 16137Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead. 16138 -- Euripides 16139% 16140Disk crisis, please clean up! 16141% 16142Disks travel in packs. 16143% 16144Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics, 16145Benchmarks, and Delivery dates. 16146% 16147Distance doesn't make you any smaller, 16148but it does make you part of a larger picture. 16149% 16150Distinctive, adj.: 16151 A different color or shape than our competitors. 16152% 16153Distress, n.: 16154 A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. 16155 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 16156% 16157District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape 16158injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any 16159damage inflicted on the vehicle. 16160% 16161Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight 16162acquaintance and without any visible reason. 16163 -- Lord Chesterfield 16164% 16165Ditat Deus. (God enriches.) 16166% 16167Divorce is a game played by lawyers. 16168 -- Cary Grant 16169% 16170Do clones have navels? 16171% 16172Do I like getting drunk? Depends on who's doing the drinking. 16173 -- Amy Gorin 16174% 16175Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? 16176% 16177Do Miami a favor. When you leave, take someone with you. 16178% 16179Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? 16180% 16181Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more. 16182% 16183Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses. 16184% 16185Do not count your chickens before they are hatched. 16186 -- Aesop 16187% 16188Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome 16189your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in 16190a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding 16191cold and hounds and traps, his race survives. I do not believe any 16192of them ever committed suicide. 16193 -- Henry David Thoreau 16194% 16195Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you. 16196Their tastes may not be the same. 16197 -- George Bernard Shaw 16198% 16199Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon. 16200% 16201Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy. 16202 -- Robert A. Heinlein 16203% 16204Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to anger. 16205% 16206Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good 16207with ketchup. 16208% 16209Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, 16210for they become soggy and hard to light. 16211 16212Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal, 16213for they are subtle and quick to anger. 16214% 16215Do not overtax your powers. 16216% 16217Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. 16218Violators will be prosecuted. 16219(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.)) 16220% 16221Do not seek death; death will find you. 16222But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment. 16223 -- Dag Hammarskjold 16224% 16225Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight. 16226% 16227Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch. 16228% 16229Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold. 16230% 16231Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- 16232learn to dread each day as it comes. 16233 -- Donald Kaul 16234% 16235Do not underestimate the power of the Farce. 16236% 16237Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native 16238word "lies". 16239 -- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck" 16240% 16241Do not use the blue keys on this terminal. 16242% 16243Do not worry about which side your 16244bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides. 16245% 16246Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate. 16247% 16248Do, or do not; there is no try. 16249% 16250Do people know you have freckles everywhere? 16251% 16252Do something unusual today. Pay a bill. 16253% 16254Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work? 16255% 16256Do unto others before they undo you. 16257% 16258Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. 16259% 16260Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. 16261 -- Aleister Crowley 16262% 16263Do what you can to prolong your life, 16264in the hope that someday you'll learn what it's for. 16265% 16266Do you believe in intuition? 16267No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will. 16268% 16269Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage? 16270Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in? 16271Have you ever eaten an entire moose? 16272Can you see your neck? 16273Do joggers take laps around you for exercise? 16274If so, welcome to National Fat Week. 16275This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign, 16276 ...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person. 16277 -- Garfield 16278% 16279Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking? 16280% 16281Do you have lysdexia? 16282% 16283Do YOU have redeeming social value? 16284% 16285Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa. 16286I believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they 16287think. There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not 16288think, for every one who does, and these people hate the thinkers 16289like poison. Even if some thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make 16290fun of them for it. Better to think about cucumbers even, than not 16291to think at all. 16292 -- T. H. White 16293% 16294Do you know Montana? 16295% 16296Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education 16297is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't. 16298 -- Pete Seeger 16299% 16300Do you mean that you not only want a wrong 16301answer, but a certain wrong answer? 16302 -- Tobaben 16303% 16304Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing 16305between Nixon and the White House. 16306 -- John F. Kennedy, in 1960 16307% 16308Do you suffer painful elimination? 16309 -- Donald E. Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos" 16310 16311Do you suffer painful recrimination? 16312 -- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms" 16313 16314Do you suffer painful illumination? 16315 -- Isaac Newton, "Optics" 16316 16317Do you suffer painful hallucination? 16318 -- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda 16319% 16320Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? 16321% 16322Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he 16323just whipped out a quarter? 16324 -- Steven Wright 16325% 16326Do you think your mother and I should have lived 16327comfortably so long together if ever we had been married? 16328% 16329Do you want to know what's ahead for you, in your happiness at home, 16330your business success? Here's a telling test: Look in the mirror. Is 16331your skin smooth and lovely, your hair gleaming, your make-up glamorous? 16332Are you slender enough for your height? Do you stand erect, confident? 16333Yes? Then you are on your way to success as a woman. 16334 -- Ladies' Home Journal, 1947 advertisement 16335% 16336Do your otters do the shimmy? 16337Do they like to shake their tails? 16338Do your wombats sleep in tophats? 16339Is your garden full of snails? 16340% 16341Do your part to help preserve life on 16342Earth -- by trying to preserve your own. 16343% 16344Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with 16345little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives. 16346 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr. 16347% 16348Documentation: 16349 Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English 16350 speaking persons. 16351% 16352Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and 16353when it is bad, it is better than nothing. 16354 -- Dick Brandon 16355% 16356Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must 16357be good because the programmers hate it so much. 16358% 16359Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted? 16360Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student? 16361Does a good father allow a single child to starve? 16362Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code? 16363 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 16364% 16365Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle? 16366% 16367Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 16368% 16369Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people 16370and the rest of us. 16371% 16372Doin' it in the dark, down in Rock Creek Park. 16373% 16374Doing gets it done. 16375% 16376Don: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she 16377 pretty? 16378W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of 16379 bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to 16380 sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia. 16381Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative. 16382W. C.: It's almost impossible. 16383 -- W. C. Fields, "The Further Adventures of Larson E. 16384 Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles" 16385% 16386Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow. 16387% 16388Don't abandon hope. 16389Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow. 16390% 16391Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may 16392have got him. 16393% 16394Don't be concerned, it will not harm you, 16395It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of, 16396Across my dreams, with neptive wonder, 16397I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love. 16398% 16399Don't be humble, you're not that great. 16400 -- Golda Meir 16401% 16402Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 16403% 16404Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted. 16405% 16406Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. 16407% 16408Don't buy a landslide. I don't want to have to pay for one more vote 16409than I have to. 16410 -- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy 16411% 16412Don't change the reason, just change the excuses! 16413 -- Joe Cointment 16414% 16415Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality. 16416% 16417Don't confuse things that need action 16418with those that take care of themselves. 16419% 16420Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today! 16421% 16422Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers! 16423 -- The Firesign Theatre 16424% 16425Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner. 16426% 16427Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day. 16428 -- Josh Billings 16429% 16430Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time. 16431 -- Lt. Col. Ollie North 16432% 16433Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it. 16434% 16435Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail. 16436 -- Seen in a Ladies Room at Harvard 16437% 16438Don't eat yellow snow. 16439% 16440Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back. 16441% 16442Don't everyone thank me at once! 16443 -- Han Solo 16444% 16445Don't expect people to keep in step-- 16446it's hard enough just staying in line. 16447% 16448Don't feed the bats tonight. 16449% 16450Don't force it, get a larger hammer. 16451 -- Anthony 16452% 16453Don't get even, get odd. 16454% 16455Don't get mad, get even. 16456 -- Joseph P. Kennedy 16457 16458Don't get even, get jewelry. 16459 -- Anonymous 16460% 16461Don't get mad, get interest. 16462% 16463Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out. 16464% 16465Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly 16466misleading. Debug only code. 16467 -- Dave Storer 16468% 16469Don't get to bragging. 16470% 16471"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes 16472you nothing. It was here first." 16473 -- Mark Twain 16474% 16475Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while. 16476% 16477Don't go to bed with no price on your head. 16478 -- Baretta 16479% 16480Don't guess - check your security regulations. 16481% 16482Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. 16483% 16484Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them. 16485% 16486Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier. 16487% 16488Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts. 16489% 16490Don't I know you? 16491% 16492Don't interfere with the stranger's style. 16493% 16494Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it. 16495 -- J. R. "Bob" Dobbs 16496% 16497Don't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever. 16498% 16499Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today. 16500% 16501Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam. 16502% 16503Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom. 16504Probably soon after she throws me out. 16505% 16506Don't let go of what you've got hold of, 16507until you have hold of something else. 16508 -- First Rule of Wing Walking 16509% 16510Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do; 16511don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you; 16512don't let nobody tell you what you got to do, 16513or you'll never know ... what's on the other side of the rainbow... 16514remember, if you don't follow your dreams, 16515you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow... 16516 -- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow" 16517% 16518Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance. 16519% 16520Don't let your status become too quo! 16521% 16522Don't look back, the lemmings might be gaining on you. 16523% 16524Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you. 16525% 16526Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder. 16527% 16528Don't lose 16529Your head 16530To gain a minute 16531You need your head 16532Your brains are in it. 16533 -- Burma Shave 16534% 16535Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything. 16536% 16537Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. 16538 -- Scottish proverb 16539% 16540Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that. 16541% 16542Don't patch bad code -- rewrite it. 16543 -- Kernighan and Plauger, "The Elements of Programming Style" 16544% 16545Don't plan any hasty moves. 16546You'll be evicted soon anyway. 16547% 16548Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because 16549if you do it today, you can do it again tomorrow. 16550% 16551Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted. 16552 -- Miguel de Cervantes 16553% 16554Don't quit now, we might just as well 16555lock the door and throw away the key. 16556% 16557Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks. 16558% 16559Don't read everything you believe. 16560% 16561Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together. 16562% 16563Don't remember what you can infer. 16564 -- Harry Tennant 16565% 16566Don't say "yes" until I finish talking. 16567 -- Darryl F. Zanuck 16568% 16569Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side. 16570% 16571Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors. 16572 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts" 16573% 16574Don't smoke the next cigarette. Repeat. 16575% 16576Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him. 16577% 16578Don't steal... the IRS hates competition! 16579% 16580Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. 16581Cheat. 16582 -- Ambrose Bierce 16583% 16584Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding. 16585% 16586Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in! 16587 -- "Brazil" 16588% 16589Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros. 16590 -- P. Skelly 16591% 16592Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card. 16593 -- Richard Daley, advising on the safe enjoyment of graft 16594% 16595Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive. 16596% 16597Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent. 16598 -- Walt Kelly 16599% 16600Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, 16601sodomy and the lash. 16602 -- Winston Churchill 16603% 16604Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. 16605% 16606Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done. 16607 -- James J. Ling 16608% 16609Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to 16610get more wax!! 16611% 16612Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good. 16613I know better. The things I worry about don't happen. 16614 -- Watchman Examiner 16615% 16616Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud. 16617% 16618Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it. 16619 -- Lazarus Long 16620% 16621Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free 16622with my breakfast cereal. 16623 -- Zaphod Beeblebrox 16624% 16625Don't vote - it only encourages them! 16626% 16627Don't wake me up too soon... 16628Gonna take a ride across the moon... 16629You and me. 16630% 16631Don't worry. Life's too long. 16632 -- Vincent Sardi, Jr. 16633% 16634Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid. 16635% 16636Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts 16637avoiding you. 16638 -- The Old Farmer's Almanac 16639% 16640Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any 16641good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats. 16642 -- Howard Aiken 16643% 16644Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already 16645tomorrow in Australia. 16646 -- Charles Schultz 16647% 16648Don't Worry, Be Happy. 16649 -- Meher Baba 16650% 16651Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, 16652you can always take something for it. 16653% 16654Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too 16655busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. 16656% 16657Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think. 16658% 16659Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in? 16660% 16661Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely 16662want to help you could agree with each other? 16663% 16664Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition? 16665% 16666Dorothy: How can you talk if you haven't got a brain? 16667Scarecrow: I don't know. But some people without brains do an 16668 awful lot of talking, don't they? 16669 -- Judy Garland and Ray Bolger, "The Wizard of Oz" 16670% 16671Double! 16672% 16673Double-blind Experiment, n.: 16674 An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is 16675fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied 16676by a strong belief in the tooth fairy. 16677% 16678Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one. 16679 -- Voltaire 16680% 16681Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith. 16682 -- Paul Tillich, German theologian 16683% 16684Down to the Banana Republics, 16685Down to the tropical sun. 16686Go the expatriated Americans, 16687Hoping to find some fun. 16688Some of them go for the sailing, 16689Caught by the lure of the sea. 16690Trying to find what is ailing, 16691Living in the land of the free. 16692Some of them are running from lovers, 16693Leaving no forward address. 16694Some of them are running tons of ganja, 16695Some are running from the IRS. 16696Late at night you will find them, 16697In the cheap hotels and bars. 16698Hustling the senoritas, 16699While they dance beneath the stars. 16700 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics" 16701% 16702Down with the categorical imperative! 16703% 16704Dow's Law: 16705 In a hierarchical organization, 16706 the higher the level, the greater the confusion. 16707% 16708Dozens of bears are found dead in Alaska and Canada every summer, killed 16709by blood lost to the voracious mosquito. The estimated life-expectancy 16710of a naked man on the tundra in summer is about 15 minutes. In that 16711time, approximately 250,000 mosquitoes would have drawn enough blood to 16712kill him. 16713 -- Gus McLeavy, "Day-by-Day Trivia Almanac" 16714% 16715Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet 16716 16717The problem with the diets of today is that most women who do achieve 16718that magic weight, seventy-six pounds, are still fat. Dr. Fritzkee's 16719Lucky Astrology Diet is a sure-fire method of reducing with the added 16720luxury that you never feel hungry. 16721 16722Here's how the diet works: 16723 16724 FOODS ALLOWED 16725First Month: One egg 16726Second Month: A raisin 16727Third Month: Pumpkin pie with whipped cream and chocolate sauce. 16728 16729If after the third month you haven't gotten to your dream weight, try 16730lopping off parts of your body until those scales tip just right for you. 16731% 16732Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde. 16733% 16734Dr. Livingston? 16735Dr. Livingston I. Presume? 16736% 16737Drakenberg's Discovery: 16738 If you can't seem to find your glasses, 16739 it's probably because you don't have them on. 16740% 16741Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. 16742% 16743Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations. 16744% 16745Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time. 16746% 16747Drew's Law of Highway Biology: 16748 The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front 16749of your eyes. 16750% 16751Drilling for oil is boring. 16752% 16753Drink and dance and laugh and lie 16754Love, the reeling midnight through 16755For tomorrow we shall die! 16756(But, alas, we never do.) 16757 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism" 16758% 16759Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *_i_s* fun trying. 16760% 16761Drinking coffee for instant relaxation? That's like drinking alcohol for 16762instant motor skills. 16763 -- Marc Price 16764% 16765Drinking is not a spectator sport. 16766 -- Jim Brosnan 16767% 16768Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin 16769with, that it's compounding a felony. 16770 -- Robert Benchley 16771% 16772Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam: 16773that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals. 16774 -- Pierre de Beaumarchais, "Le Marriage de Figaro" 16775% 16776Drive defensively, buy a tank. 16777% 16778Driving in Texas is simple. For the first 100 miles you swerve to 16779avoid jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever 16780jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the 16781brush after them. 16782% 16783Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out 16784of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever 16785seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a 16786priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder. 16787"Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your 16788life!" 16789% 16790Drop that pickle! 16791% 16792DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!! 16793 -- The Adventurer 16794% 16795Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past. 16796 -- The Adventurer 16797% 16798Drug, n.: 16799 A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific 16800 paper. 16801% 16802Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route! 16803% 16804Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a 16805lot a poker. 16806 -- Karyl Roosevelt 16807% 16808Ducharme's Axiom: 16809 If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize 16810 yourself as part of the problem. 16811% 16812Ducharme's Precept: 16813 Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. 16814% 16815Duckies are fun! 16816% 16817Ducks? What ducks?? 16818% 16819Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and 16820it holds the universe together ... 16821 -- Carl Zwanzig 16822% 16823Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders 16824has been discontinued. 16825% 16826Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate 16827and captain of your soul. 16828% 16829Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been 16830discontinued. 16831% 16832Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence. 16833% 16834During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has 16835been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places, 16836pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,; 16837in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution. 16838 -- James Madison 16839% 16840During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several 16841times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o 16842% 16843During the Reagan-Mondale debates: 16844 16845Q: "Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to 16846 perform as president?" 16847Reagan: "I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and 16848 inexperience." 16849% 16850During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a 16851fair wind; batten down during a storm; hail all passing ships; 16852and fly your colors proudly. 16853% 16854Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats! 16855Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it! 16856 -- Brian Herbert, "Classic Comebacks" 16857% 16858Duty, n.: 16859 What one expects from others. 16860 -- Oscar Wilde 16861% 16862Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have 16863nothing whatever to do with it. 16864 -- W. Somerset Maugham, his last words 16865% 16866Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult. 16867 -- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed 16868% 16869Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. 16870 -- Woody Allen 16871% 16872E = MC ** 2 +- 3db 16873% 16874E Pluribus UNIX. 16875% 16876Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life. 16877% 16878Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs. 16879 -- Kernighan 16880% 16881Each of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age of 16882Reformation. In the realm of the Apple Macintosh, as in Catholic Europe, 16883worshipers peer devoutly into screens filled with "icons." All is sound and 16884imagery and Appledom. Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic 16885typefaces. The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in 16886the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen. A central 16887corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices. 16888Infallible doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs 16889in a sealed board room. Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the 16890offender is excommunicated into outer darkness. The expelled heretic founds 16891a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer, 16892then disappears into silence, taking his stockholders with him. The mother 16893company forbids financial competition as sternly as it stifles ideological 16894competition; if you want to use computer programs that conform to Apple's 16895orthodoxy, you must buy a computer made and sold by Apple itself. 16896 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 16897% 16898Each of us bears his own Hell. 16899 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 16900% 16901Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs 16902in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a 16903university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two 169043 X 4 snapshots, and a good tax record. 16905% 16906Each person has the right to take the subway. 16907% 16908Eagleson's Law: 16909 Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more 16910months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is 16911an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.) 16912% 16913EARL GREY PROFILES 16914 16915NAME: Jean-Luc Perriwinkle Picard 16916OCCUPATION: Starship Big Cheese 16917AGE: 94 16918BIRTHPLACE: Paris, Terra Sector 16919EYES: Grey 16920SKIN: Tanned 16921HAIR: Not much 16922LAST MAGAZINE READ: 16923 Lobes 'n' Probes, the Ferengi-Betazoid Sex Quarterly 16924TEA: Earl Grey. Hot. 16925 16926EARL GREY NEVER VARIES. 16927% 16928Earl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management 16929science, telling the Airline Pilots Association (in jest) about 1693021st century aircraft: 16931 16932 "The crew will consist of one pilot and a dog. The pilot will 16933 nurture and feed the dog. The dog will be there to bite the 16934 pilot if he touches anything. 16935 -- Fortune, Sept. 26, 1988 16936% 16937Early to bed and early to rise and you'll 16938be groggy when everyone else is wide awake. 16939% 16940Early to rise and early to bed makes 16941a man healthy and wealthy and dead. 16942 -- James Thurber 16943% 16944Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends. 16945% 16946Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven. 16947% 16948/earth: file system full. 16949% 16950/Earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can. 16951% 16952Earth is a beta site. 16953% 16954Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun. 16955 -- Jeff Berner 16956% 16957Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: 16958 Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the 16959cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of 16960the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this 16961means the puzzle is solved. 16962 -- Steve Rubenstein 16963% 16964Easy come and easy go, 16965 some call me easy money, 16966Sometimes life is full of laughs, 16967 and sometimes it ain't funny 16968You may think that I'm a fool 16969 and sometimes that is true, 16970But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire, 16971 with or without you. 16972 -- Hoyt Axton 16973% 16974Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it. 16975 -- Harry Secombe's diet 16976% 16977Eat, drink, and be merry! Tomorrow you may be in Utah. 16978% 16979Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal. 16980% 16981Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we diet. 16982% 16983Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work. 16984% 16985Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse 16986will happen to you the rest of the day. 16987 16988[Well, actually, to either of you... Ed.] 16989% 16990Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway. 16991% 16992Eat the rich, the poor are tough and stringy. 16993% 16994Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation. 16995% 16996Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. 16997 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 16998% 16999Economics, n.: 17000 Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. Galbraith. 17001 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 17002% 17003Economies of scale: 17004 The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want 17005 a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one 17006 biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith 17007 by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected 17008 as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all 17009 those limitations. 17010% 17011Economist, n.: 17012 Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough 17013 personality to become an accountant. 17014% 17015Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy 17016would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it 17017hasn't. 17018 -- Robert Orben 17019% 17020Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a 17021percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor. 17022 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 17023% 17024Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. 17025 -- Fred Allen 17026% 17027Editing is a rewording activity. 17028% 17029Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and 17030demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want. 17031 -- Charlotte Observer, 1897 17032% 17033Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to 17034time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. 17035 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist" 17036% 17037Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know. 17038 -- Daniel J. Boorstin 17039% 17040Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine. 17041 -- Irwin Edman 17042% 17043Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten. 17044 -- B. F. Skinner 17045% 17046Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead 17047to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters 17048of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with 17049royal-blue chickens. 17050 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 17051% 17052Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak! 17053 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose 17054% 17055Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. 17056 -- Adlai E. Stevenson 17057% 17058Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many 17059people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable 17060comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where 17061the "nog" comes from. 17062 17063To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in 17064season, eggs... 17065% 17066Ego sum ens omnipotens 17067% 17068Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain 17069of being a damned fool. 17070 -- Bellamy Brooks 17071% 17072Egotism is the anesthetic which numbs the pain of stupidity. 17073% 17074Egotism, n.: 17075 Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen. 17076% 17077Egotist, n.: 17078 A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. 17079 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 17080% 17081egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0 17082% 17083Ehrman's Commentary: 17084 (1) Things will get worse before they get better. 17085 (2) Who said things would get better? 17086% 17087Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. 17088 -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star 17089% 17090...eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his 17091original joy his falling in love with Ada. 17092 -- Nabokov 17093% 17094Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because 17095God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software 17096engineer. 17097 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr. 17098% 17099Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped. 17100 -- Groucho Marx' last words 17101% 17102Elbonics, v.: 17103 The actions of two people maneuvering for one 17104 armrest in a movie theatre. 17105 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 17106% 17107Eleanor Rigby 17108Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen 17109Lives in a dream 17110Waits for a signal, finding some code that will 17111 make the machine do some more. 17112What is it for? 17113 17114All the lonely users, where do they all come from? 17115All the lonely users, why does it take so long? 17116 17117Hacker MacKensie 17118Writing the code for a program that no one will run 17119It's nearly done 17120Look at him working, fixing the bugs in the night when there's 17121 nobody there. 17122What does he care? 17123 17124All the lonely users, where do they all come from? 17125All the lonely users, why does it take so long? 17126Ah, look at all the lonely users. 17127Ah, look at all the lonely users. 17128% 17129ELECTRIC JELL-O 17130 171312 boxes JELL-O brand gelatin 2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin 171322 cups fruit (any variety) 2+ cups water 171331/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol 17134 17135Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water. Stir 'til 17136 fully dissolved. 17137Pour hot mixture into a flat pan. (JELL-O molds won't work.) 17138Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water. Remove any congealing 17139 glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.) 17140Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol. 17141Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for 17142 the faint of heart. 17143Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.) 17144Cut into squares and enjoy! 17145 17146WARNING: 17147 Keep ingredients away from open flame. Not recommended for 17148 children under eight years of age. 17149% 17150Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance. 17151% 17152Electrocution, n.: 17153 Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. 17154% 17155Elegance and truth are inversely related. 17156 -- Becker's Razor 17157% 17158Elephant, n.: 17159 A mouse built to government specifications. 17160% 17161Elevators smell different to midgets. 17162% 17163Eleventh Law of Acoustics: 17164 In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between 17165 frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they 17166 are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with 17167 minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct 17168 compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can 17169 lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However, 17170 of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd. 17171% 17172Eli and Bessie went to sleep. 17173In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli. 17174 "Please be so kindly and close the window. It's cold outside!" 17175Half asleep, Eli murmured, 17176 "Nu ... so if I'll close the window, will it be warm outside?" 17177% 17178Elliptic paraboloids for sale. 17179% 17180Elliptical, n.: 17181 The feel of a kiss. 17182% 17183Eloquence is logic on fire. 17184% 17185Elwood: What kind of music do you get here ma'am? 17186Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western. 17187% 17188Emacs, n.: 17189 A slow-moving parody of a text editor. 17190% 17191Emerson's Law of Contrariness: 17192 Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we 17193can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it. 17194% 17195Encyclopedia for sale by father. 17196Son knows everything. 17197% 17198Encyclopedia Salesmen: 17199 Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police 17200and tell them your house is being burgled. 17201 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 17202% 17203Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. 17204Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop. 17205 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary 17206% 17207Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning 17208Endless the quest; 17209I turn again, back to my own beginning, 17210And here, find rest. 17211% 17212Enemy -- SP (Suppressive Person) Order. Fair Game. May be deprived of 17213property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline 17214of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed. 17215 -- L. Ron Hubbard, "Fair Game Doctrine" 17216% 17217Engineering: "How will this work?" 17218Science: "Why will this work?" 17219Management: "When will this work?" 17220Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?" 17221% 17222English literature's performing flea. 17223 -- Sean O'Casey on P. G. Wodehouse 17224% 17225Engram, n.: 17226 1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram." 172272. A particular memory in physical form. [Usage note: this term is no longer 17228in common use. Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature 17229of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists, 17230psychologists, and even computer scientists. In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson 17231and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved 17232conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of 17233thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros. Human memory 17234was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only 17235ASCII strings. Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that 17236time.] 17237 -- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary, 17238 3rd edition, 2007 A.D. 17239% 17240Enhance, v.: 17241 To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment. 17242% 17243Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May. 17244% 17245Enjoy yourself while you're still old. 17246% 17247Entrepreneur, n.: 17248 A high-rolling risk taker who would rather 17249 be a spectacular failure than a dismal success. 17250% 17251Entropy isn't what it used to be. 17252% 17253Entropy requires no maintenance. 17254 -- Markoff Chaney 17255% 17256Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors. 17257 -- Onasander 17258% 17259Envy, n.: 17260 Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage, 17261 instead of having to try and acquire one. 17262% 17263Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which 17264otherwise require harder thinking. 17265 -- Jerome Lettvin 17266% 17267Epperson's law: 17268 When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably 17269 something his wife can beat him at. 17270% 17271Equal bytes for women. 17272% 17273Ere the cock crows thrice one of you will betray me. 17274 -- Early Jewish Resistance Leader 17275% 17276Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company. 17277 "Ever since they threatened to fire me." 17278% 17279Error in operator: add beer 17280% 17281Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven 17282 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; 17283Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven 17284 Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben. 17285 -- Lewis Carroll, 17286 "Through the Looking-Glass, 17287 and What Alice Found There" (1871) 17288% 17289Eschew obfuscation. 17290% 17291Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology. 17292 -- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360 17293% 17294E.T. GO HOME!!! (And take your Smurfs with you.) 17295% 17296Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. 17297 -- Woody Allen 17298% 17299Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end? 17300 -- Tom Stoppard 17301% 17302Etiquette is for those with no breeding; 17303fashion for those with no taste. 17304% 17305Etymology, n.: 17306 Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that 17307were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed 17308from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy" 17309("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow." 17310 -- Mike Kellen 17311% 17312Euch ist bekannt, was wir beduerfen; 17313Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen. 17314 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, "Faust" 17315% 17316Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of 17317the world. Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to 17318Advanced Kinetics in Costa Mesa, American Laser Systems in Goleta, Automation 17319Industries in Danbury, Connecticut, Arenberg Ultrasonics in Jamaica Plain, 17320Massachusetts, and Hewlett Packard in Sunnyvale, California, where Norman 17321Packard's cousin, David, presided as chairman of the board. The trick was to 17322make these calls at noon, in the hope that out-to-lunch executives would return 17323them at their own expense. Eudaemonic Enterprises, for all they knew, might be 17324a fast-growing computer company branching out of the Silicon Valley. Sniffing 17325the possibility of high-volume sales, these executives little suspected that 17326they were talking on the other end of the line to a naked physicist crazed 17327over roulette. 17328 -- Thomas Bass, "The Eudaemonic Pie" 17329% 17330Eureka! 17331 -- Archimedes 17332% 17333Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns. 17334% 17335Even a cabbage may look at a king. 17336% 17337Even a hawk is an eagle among crows. 17338% 17339Even a man who is pure at heart, 17340And says his prayers at night 17341Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms, 17342And the moon is full and bright. 17343 -- The Wolf Man, 1941 17344% 17345Even God cannot change the past. 17346 -- Joseph Stalin 17347% 17348Even God lends a hand to honest boldness. 17349 -- Menander 17350% 17351Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to 17352speak it to? 17353 -- Clarence Darrow 17354% 17355Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me. 17356 -- Aristophanes 17357% 17358Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. 17359 -- Will Rogers 17360% 17361Even in the moment of our earliest kiss, 17362When sighed the straitened bud into the flower, 17363Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this; 17364And that I knew, though not the day and hour. 17365Too season-wise am I, being country-bred, 17366To tilt at autumn or defy the frost: 17367Snuffing the chill even as my fathers did, 17368I say with them, "What's out tonight is lost." 17369I only hoped, with the mild hope of all 17370Who watch the leaf take shape upon the tree, 17371A fairer summer and a later fall 17372Than in these parts a man is apt to see, 17373And sunny clusters ripened for the wine: 17374I tell you this across the blackened vine. 17375 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Even in the Moment of 17376 Our Earliest Kiss", 1931 17377% 17378Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess. 17379% 17380Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral. 17381 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 17382% 17383Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United 17384States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a 17385day. 17386% 17387Events are not affected, they develop. 17388 -- Sri Aurobindo 17389% 17390Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book? 17391% 17392Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's 17393bowling alley, and everyone's rolling strikes? 17394% 17395Ever get the feeling that the world's 17396on tape and one of the reels is missing? 17397 -- Rich Little 17398% 17399Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you 17400just how busy they are? 17401% 17402Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"? 17403Simple coincidence? 17404Maybe... 17405% 17406Ever Onward! Ever Onward! 17407That's the sprit that has brought us fame. 17408We're big but bigger we will be, 17409We can't fail for all can see, that to serve humanity 17410Has been our aim. 17411Our products now are known in every zone. 17412Our reputation sparkles like a gem. 17413We've fought our way thru 17414And new fields we're sure to conquer, too 17415For the Ever Onward IBM! 17416 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook 17417% 17418Ever Onward! Ever Onward! 17419We're bound for the top to never fall, 17420Right here and now we thankfully 17421Pledge sincerest loyalty 17422To the corporation that's the best of all 17423Our leaders we revere and while we're here, 17424Let's show the world just what we think of them! 17425So let us sing men -- Sing men 17426Once or twice, then sing again 17427For the Ever Onward IBM! 17428 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook 17429% 17430Ever since I was a young boy, 17431I've hacked the ARPA net, 17432From Berkeley down to Rutgers, He's on my favorite terminal, 17433Any access I could get, He cats C right into foo, 17434But ain't seen nothing like him, His disciples lead him in, 17435On any campus yet, And he just breaks the root, 17436That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, Always has full SYS-PRIV's, 17437Sure sends a mean packet. Never uses lint, 17438 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, 17439 Sure sends a mean packet. 17440He's a UNIX wizard, 17441There has to be a twist. 17442The UNIX wizard's got Ain't got no distractions, 17443Unlimited space on disk. Can't hear no whistles or bells, 17444How do you think he does it? Can't see no message flashing, 17445I don't know. Types by sense of smell, 17446What makes him so good? Those crazy little programs, 17447 The proper bit flags set, 17448 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, 17449 Sure sends a mean packet. 17450 -- UNIX Wizard 17451% 17452Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what, 17453exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men." 17454All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with 17455spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about: 17456Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please 17457take her right now. No. How about: Would you like to take something? 17458My wife is available. No. How about ..." 17459 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 17460% 17461Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper? 17462% 17463Ever wonder why fire engines are red? 17464 17465Because newspapers are read too. 17466Two and Two is four. 17467Four and four is eight. 17468Eight and four is twelve. 17469There are twelve inches in a ruler. 17470Queen Mary was a ruler. 17471Queen Mary was a ship. 17472Ships sail the sea. 17473There are fishes in the sea. 17474Fishes have fins. 17475The Fins fought the Russians. 17476Russians are red. 17477Fire engines are always rush'n. 17478Therefore fire engines are red. 17479% 17480Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer 17481technology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation. 17482The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in 17483computer technology during World War II. At the C. W. Post Center of Long 17484Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis- 17485trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth. At Harvard 17486one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the 17487"granddaddy" of modern computers, the Mark I. "Things were going badly; 17488there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed 17489computer," she said. "Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using 17490ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth. From then on, when 17491anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it." Hopper 17492said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, "I referred 17493them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons 17494Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in 17495question." 17496 [actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in 17497 regard to problems with radio hardware. Ed.] 17498% 17499Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain 17500the last but one. 17501 -- Adolf Hitler 17502% 17503Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it. 17504% 17505Every cloud engenders not a storm. 17506 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 17507% 17508Every cloud has a silver lining; 17509you should have sold it, and bought titanium. 17510% 17511Every country has the government it deserves. 17512 -- Joseph De Maistre 17513% 17514Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. 17515% 17516Every day it's the same thing -- variety. I want something different. 17517% 17518Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God. 17519 -- Lenny Bruce 17520% 17521Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats. 17522% 17523Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this 17524woman and stop her. 17525% 17526Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one 17527idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's 17528sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all 17529of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two 17530highly-motivated, caustic twits. 17531 -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet 17532% 17533Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired 17534signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not 17535fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not 17536spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the 17537genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way 17538of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is 17539humanity hanging on a cross of iron. 17540 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, April 16, 1953 17541% 17542Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation): 17543 17544Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in 17545front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an 17546odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even 17547and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of 17548legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere, 17549there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse 17550of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same 17551color"], that does not exist. 17552% 17553Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible. 17554 -- Frank Moore Colby 17555% 17556Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it. 17557% 17558Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. 17559 -- Don Vonada 17560% 17561Every love's the love before 17562In a duller dress. 17563 -- Dorothy Parker, "Summary" 17564% 17565Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95. 17566% 17567Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended, 17568or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar. 17569Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk 17570only of matters relating to navigation, enters into discourse upon any other 17571subject; it is well known, that the language and the notions proper to his 17572own profession are infused into every subject, and all things are measured 17573by the rules of navigation: and if he should take it into his head to 17574philosophize concerning the faculties of the mind, it cannot be doubted, 17575but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find 17576in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass. 17577 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764 17578% 17579Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. 17580 -- Miguel de Cervantes 17581% 17582Every man takes the limits of his own field 17583of vision for the limits of the world. 17584 -- Schopenhauer 17585% 17586Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich 17587and powerful know that he is. 17588 -- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark" 17589% 17590Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect 17591that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers 17592and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the 17593essential death in which its subject's roots are plunged. The natural 17594inheritance of everyone who is capable of spiritual life is an unsubdued 17595forest where the wolf howls and the obscene bird of night chatters. 17596 -- Henry James Sr., writing to his sons Henry and William 17597% 17598Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done 17599it all himself, and the wife smiles and lets it go at that. 17600 -- Barrie 17601% 17602Every morning, I get up and look through the "Forbes" list of the 17603richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work. 17604 -- Robert Orben 17605% 17606Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster 17607than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up. 17608It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death. 17609It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes 17610up, you'd better be running. 17611% 17612Every morning is a Smirnoff morning. 17613% 17614Every night my prayers I say, 17615 And get my dinner every day; 17616And every day that I've been good, 17617 I get an orange after food. 17618The child that is not clean and neat, 17619 With lots of toys and things to eat, 17620He is a naughty child, I'm sure-- 17621 Or else his dear papa is poor. 17622 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 17623% 17624Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an orthonormal basis. 17625 17626It makes sense, when you don't think about it. 17627% 17628Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels 17629start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and 17630then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the 17631music at top volume and at least a pint of ether. 17632 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" 17633% 17634Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so! 17635But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and 17636when they aren't. 17637 17638 When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying. 17639 When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying. 17640 When a politician scratches his collar bone, he isn't lying. 17641 When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying! 17642% 17643Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by 17644the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he 17645sees in it. I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted. 17646 -- Morris Kline 17647% 17648Every path has its puddle. 17649% 17650Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have 17651drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you. 17652 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul 17653% 17654Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one 17655instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every 17656program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work. 17657% 17658Every program has (at least) two purposes: 17659 the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't. 17660% 17661Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits. 17662% 17663Every silver lining has a cloud around it. 17664% 17665Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was 17666eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is 17667bend a disk. 17668 -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity, 17669 commenting on the benefits of using computers in support 17670 of their movement. 17671% 17672Every solution breeds new problems. 17673% 17674Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no 17675guarantee of eventual success. 17676% 17677Every suicide is a solution to a problem. 17678 -- Jean Baechler 17679% 17680Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory. 17681% 17682Every time I lose weight, it finds me again! 17683% 17684Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it. 17685% 17686Every time you manage to close the door on 17687Reality, it comes in through the window. 17688% 17689Every why hath a wherefore. 17690 -- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors" 17691% 17692Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. 17693 -- Beckett 17694% 17695Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is 17696the best one. 17697 -- Jack Hurley 17698% 17699Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that 17700called for a small employee contribution. The company was paying all 17701the rest. Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed; 17702otherwise the plan was off. Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded 17703and cajoled, but to no avail. Sam said the plan would never pay off. 17704Finally the company president called Sam into his office. 17705 "Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's 17706a pen. I want you to sign the papers. I'm sorry, but if you don't sign, 17707you're fired. As of right now." 17708 Sam signed the papers immediately. 17709 "Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you 17710couldn't have signed earlier?" 17711 "Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so 17712clearly before." 17713% 17714Everybody has something to conceal. 17715 -- Humphrey Bogart 17716% 17717Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and 17718if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me. 17719% 17720Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. 17721 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 17722% 17723Everybody knows that the dice are loaded. Everybody rolls with their 17724fingers crossed. Everybody knows the war is over. Everybody knows the 17725good guys lost. Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay 17726poor, the rich get rich. That's how it goes. Everybody knows. 17727 17728Everybody knows that the boat is leaking. Everybody knows the captain 17729lied. Everybody got this broken feeling like their father or their dog 17730just died. 17731 17732Everybody talking to their pockets. Everybody wants a box of chocolates 17733and long stem rose. Everybody knows. 17734 17735Everybody knows that you love me, baby. Everybody knows that you really 17736do. Everybody knows that you've been faithful, give or take a night or 17737two. Everybody knows you've been discreet, but there were so many people 17738you just had to meet without your clothes. And everybody knows. 17739 17740And everybody knows it's now or never. Everybody knows that it's me or you. 17741And everybody knows that you live forever when you've done a line or two. 17742Everybody knows the deal is rotten: Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton 17743for you ribbons and bows. And everybody knows. 17744 -- Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows" 17745% 17746Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money. 17747 -- Arthur Miller 17748% 17749Everybody needs a little love sometime; 17750stop hacking and fall in love! 17751% 17752Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. 17753% 17754Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had 17755to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers. 17756% 17757Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgment. 17758% 17759Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid. 17760% 17761Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to 17762realize it. 17763% 17764Everyone is entitled to my opinion. 17765% 17766Everyone is in the best seat. 17767 -- John Cage 17768% 17769Everyone is more or less mad on one point. 17770 -- Rudyard Kipling 17771% 17772Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic 17773formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the 17774scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact 17775wholly unconcerned with what _d_o_e_s exist. Indeed, the banality of 17776existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to 17777discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the 17778problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the 17779mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all, 17780one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely 17781different way ... 17782 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 17783% 17784Everyone talks about apathy, but no one _d_o_e_s anything about it. 17785% 17786Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes 17787to get them. 17788 -- Dirty Harry 17789% 17790Everyone was born right-handed. 17791Only the greatest overcome it. 17792% 17793Everyone who comes in here wants three things: 17794 1. They want it quick. 17795 2. They want it good. 17796 3. They want it cheap. 17797I tell 'em to pick two and call me back. 17798 -- sign on the back wall of a small printing company 17799% 17800Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees. 17801% 17802Everything bows to success, even grammar. 17803% 17804Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous". 17805% 17806Everything ends badly. Otherwise it wouldn't end. 17807% 17808Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. 17809 -- Alexander Woollcott 17810% 17811Everything in this book may be wrong. 17812 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul 17813% 17814Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, 17815no one we know belongs. 17816% 17817Everything is possible. Pass the word. 17818 -- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One" 17819% 17820Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being 17821that a belch is more satisfying. 17822 -- Ingmar Bergman 17823% 17824Everything journalists write is true, except when they write about 17825something you know. 17826 -- Dag-Erling Smorgrav, 17827 June 1999, FreeBSD-Stable Mailing List 17828% 17829Everything might be different in the present 17830if only one thing had been different in the past. 17831% 17832Everything new stalls because there is precedence for the old. 17833 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 17834% 17835Everything should be built top-down, except the first time. 17836% 17837Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler. 17838 -- Albert Einstein 17839% 17840Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful. 17841 -- Erwin Tomash 17842% 17843Everything that can be invented has been invented. 17844 -- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899 17845% 17846Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out. 17847% 17848Everything will be just tickety-boo today. 17849% 17850Everything you know is wrong! 17851% 17852Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that 17853rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge. 17854 -- Erwin Knoll 17855% 17856Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less 17857obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no 17858solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. 17859There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no 17860straight lines. 17861 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 17862% 17863Everything's great in this good old world; 17864(This is the stuff they can always use.) 17865God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled; 17866(This will provide for baby's shoes.) 17867Hunger and War do not mean a thing; 17868Everything's rosy where'er we roam; 17869Hark, how the little birds gaily sing! 17870(This is what fetches the bacon home.) 17871 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Far Sighted Muse" 17872% 17873Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My 17874opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller 17875that could have been prevented by a good teacher. 17876 -- Flannery O'Connor 17877% 17878Everywhere you go you'll see them searching, 17879Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain, 17880Everyone is looking for the answer, 17881Well look again. 17882 -- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World" 17883% 17884Evil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil 17885of others, but it is seldom a mistake. 17886 -- H. L. Mencken 17887% 17888Evolution is a million line computer 17889program falling into place by accident. 17890% 17891Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around 17892the sun. At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when 17893evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person can 17894doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact. That all present 17895life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is 17896as firmly established as Copernican cosmology. Biologists differ only with 17897respect to theories about how the process operates. 17898 -- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life" 17899% 17900Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for even 17901the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer. 17902 -- C. C. Colton 17903% 17904Example is not the main thing in influencing others. 17905It is the only thing. 17906 -- Albert Schweitzer 17907% 17908Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike the office water cooler. 17909% 17910Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator. 17911% 17912Excellent day to have a rotten day. 17913% 17914Excellent time to become a missing person. 17915% 17916Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget. 17917 -- Miller 17918% 17919Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a 17920customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab: 17921 17922Support: "You're not our only customer, you know." 17923Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons." 17924% 17925Excerpt from a DEC field service document: 17926 17927.... 17928- none of these should have made it to customers. BUT you could loosen the 17929screws and lift system board at fan end while powering on to see if OCP 17930comes up - this is not recommended unless you have three hands. 17931% 17932Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from 17933acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. 17934 -- W. Somerset Maugham 17935% 17936Excessive login messages are a sure sign of senility. 17937% 17938Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility. 17939% 17940Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last. 17941 -- Marcus Aurelius 17942% 17943Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do 17944the work. 17945 -- John G. Pollard 17946% 17947Executive ability is prominent in your make-up. 17948% 17949Exercise caution in your daily affairs. 17950% 17951Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you, 17952and just before you realize what is wrong with it. 17953% 17954Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay. 17955% 17956Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you. 17957% 17958Expect the worst, it's the least you can do. 17959% 17960Expedience is the best teacher. 17961% 17962Expense accounts, n.: 17963 Corporate food stamps. 17964% 17965Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills. 17966 -- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions" 17967% 17968Experience is not what happens to you; 17969it is what you do with what happens to you. 17970 -- Aldous Huxley 17971% 17972Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake 17973when you make it again. 17974 -- Franklin P. Jones 17975% 17976Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and 17977the instruction afterward. 17978% 17979Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old 17980ones. 17981% 17982Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. 17983% 17984Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye, 17985particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something. 17986 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing" 17987% 17988Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way. 17989% 17990Expert, n.: 17991 Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides. 17992% 17993External Security: 17994% 17995Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules: 17996 17997 NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE 17998 17999To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully 18000cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand 18001corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and 18002address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) -- 18003to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower 18004left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card 18005below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your 18006computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL 18007SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card 18008(without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the 18009Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be 18010disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print 18011this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and 18012completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize. 18013% 18014Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof. There are many examples 18015of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies, 18016but they prevailed with irrefutable data. More often, egregious findings 18017that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts. I have 18018argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic consciousness," 18019and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of 18020neuroscience. Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid 18021handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena 18022than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves 18023offer more plausible alternatives. 18024 -- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness: 18025 Implications for Psi Phenomena". 18026% 18027Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly. 18028 -- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece" 18029% 18030Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit 18031of justice is no virtue. 18032 -- Barry Goldwater 18033% 18034F: When into a room I plunge, I 18035 Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI. 18036 Then I linger, darkly brooding 18037 On the poison they're exuding. 18038 -- The Roguelet's ABC 18039% 18040F. Scott Fitzgerald to Hemingway: 18041 "Ernest, the rich are different from us." 18042Hemingway: 18043 "Yes. They have more money." 18044% 18045f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd. 18046% 18047f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. 18048% 18049F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm! 18050% 18051f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr. 18052% 18053FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000; 18054% 18055Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting. 18056% 18057Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles. 18058 -- Sven Italla 18059% 18060Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable. 18061% 18062Facts are the enemy of truth. 18063 -- Don Quixote 18064% 18065Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. 18066 -- Aldous Huxley 18067% 18068Failed Attempts To Break Records 18069 In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break 18070the world shouting record by two and a half decibels. "I am not surprised 18071he failed," his wife said afterwards. "He's really a very quiet man and 18072doesn't even shout at me." 18073 In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the 18074record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours. 18075 His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended 18076after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace. 18077"People complained I was too noisy," he said. 18078 In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across 18079the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes. "It was raining heavily and my 18080drone got waterlogged," he said. 18081 A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas' attempt to topple 100,000 18082dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978. 97,500 dominoes 18083had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off. 18084 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 18085% 18086Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital. 18087% 18088Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall. 18089 -- Sir Walter Raleigh 18090% 18091Fairy Tale, n.: 18092 A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. 18093% 18094Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door. 18095% 18096Faith has never moved as much as a pin-head from the place it 18097ought to be according to tradition and the scriptures. It is 18098the doubt that moved all the mountains. 18099 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 18100% 18101Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic 18102without looking to see whether the seeds move. 18103% 18104Faith is under the left nipple. 18105 -- Martin Luther 18106% 18107Faith, n.: 18108 That quality which enables us to 18109 believe what we know to be untrue. 18110% 18111Fakir, n.: 18112 A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost 18113 religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources 18114 seem to have shinnied up a rope and vanished. 18115% 18116Falling in Love 18117 When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in 18118love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes 18119light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air, 18120and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately, 18121these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a 18122good idea to check with your doctor. 18123 -- Dave Barry 18124% 18125Falling in love is a lot like dying. 18126You never get to do it enough to become good at it. 18127% 18128Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in 18129restraint. 18130 -- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus" 18131% 18132Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; 18133the only earthly certainty is oblivion. 18134 -- Mark Twain 18135% 18136Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an 18137autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door. 18138 -- Marlo Thomas 18139% 18140Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever. 18141% 18142Familiarity breeds attempt. 18143% 18144Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children. 18145 -- Mark Twain 18146% 18147Families, when a child is born 18148Want it to be intelligent. 18149I, through intelligence, 18150Having wrecked my whole life, 18151Only hope the baby will prove 18152Ignorant and stupid. 18153Then he will crown a tranquil life 18154By becoming a Cabinet Minister 18155 -- Su Tung-p'o 18156% 18157Famous, adj.: 18158 Conspicuously miserable. 18159 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 18160% 18161Famous last words: 18162% 18163Famous last words: 18164 1. Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. 18165 2. Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. 18166 3. What happens if you touch these two wires tog... 18167 4. We won't need reservations. 18168 5. It's always sunny there this time of the year. 18169 6. Don't worry, it's not loaded. 18170 7. They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager. 18171 8. Don't worry! Women love it! 18172% 18173Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have 18174forgotten your aim. 18175 -- George Santayana 18176% 18177Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the 18178former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free. 18179 18180Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and 18181reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space. In those days, spirits 18182were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women 18183and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures 18184from Alpha Centauri. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty 18185deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus 18186was the Empire forged. 18187 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 18188% 18189Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth. 18190% 18191Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the 18192Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. 18193Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an 18194utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life 18195forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches 18196are a pretty neat idea ... 18197 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 18198% 18199Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more 18200stressful than divorce. 18201 -- Wall Street Journal 18202% 18203Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter 18204it every six months. 18205 -- Oscar Wilde 18206% 18207Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. 18208 -- Victor Hugo 18209% 18210Fast, cheap, good: pick two. 18211% 18212Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon? 18213 -- Han Solo 18214% 18215Faster, faster, you fool, you fool! 18216 -- Bill Cosby 18217% 18218Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind. 18219% 18220Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose! 18221% 18222Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex. 18223Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know? 18224% 18225Fats Loves Madelyn. 18226% 18227Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity. 18228Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified. 18229 -- Joe Orton, "Loot" 18230% 18231FEAR: 18232 What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates. 18233% 18234Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing. 18235 -- Hunter S. Thompson 18236% 18237Fear is the greatest salesman. 18238 -- Robert Klein 18239% 18240Feature, n.: 18241 A surprising property of a program. Occasionally documented. To 18242 call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not 18243 consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though 18244 not necessarily wrong response. See BUG. "That's not a bug, it's 18245 a feature!" A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it. 18246% 18247Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation 18248potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally 18249disadvantaged. 18250% 18251Feel disillusioned? 18252I've got some great new illusions, right here! 18253% 18254Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no, 18255it's Microsoft!" 18256% 18257Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature, 18258An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature. 18259Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses 18260Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses. 18261I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations, 18262A singular development of cat communications 18263That obviates your basic hedonistic predilection 18264For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection. 18265A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents: 18266You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance; 18267And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion, 18268It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion. 18269Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display 18270Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array. 18271And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend, 18272I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend. 18273 -- Lt. Cmdr. Data, "An Ode to Spot" 18274% 18275Fellow programmer, greetings! You are reading a letter which will bring 18276you luck and good fortune. Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter 18277to ten of your friends. Before you make the copies, send a chip or 18278other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of "C" code to the first person on the 18279list given at the bottom of this letter. Then delete their name and add 18280yours to the bottom of the list. 18281 18282Don't break the chain! Make the copy within 48 hours. Gerald R. of San 18283Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find 18284his job description changed to "COBOL programmer." Fred A. of New York sent 18285out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to 18286build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork. Martha H. of Chicago laughed at 18287this letter and broke the chain. Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in 18288her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's. 18289 18290Don't break the chain! Send out your ten copies today! 18291% 18292Female rabbits: 18293 The gift that just "keeps on giving." 18294% 18295Fenderberg, n.: 18296 The large glacial deposits that form on the insides 18297 of car fenders during snowstorms. 18298 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 18299% 18300Ferguson's Precept: 18301 A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing." 18302% 18303Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children, 18304neither will you. 18305% 18306Fess: Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about 18307 a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy. 18308Rod: Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure. But after all, isn't that the 18309 basic difference between robots and humans? 18310Fess: What, the ability to form imaginary constructs? 18311Rod: No, the ability to get hung up on them. 18312 -- Christopher Stasheff, "The Warlock in Spite of Himself" 18313% 18314Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. 18315 -- Mark Twain 18316% 18317Fidelity, n.: 18318 A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. 18319% 18320Fifteen men on a dead man's chest, 18321Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! 18322Drink and the devil had done for the rest, 18323Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! 18324 -- Robert Louis Stevenson, "Treasure Island" 18325% 18326Fifth Law of Applied Terror: 18327 If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. 18328Corollary: 18329 If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live. 18330% 18331Fifth Law of Procrastination: 18332 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that 18333there is nothing important to do. 18334% 18335Fifty flippant frogs 18336Walked by on flippered feet 18337And with their slime they made the time 18338Unnaturally fleet. 18339% 18340Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North 18341Carolina. 18342% 18343File cabinet: 18344 A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor. 18345% 18346Filibuster, n.: 18347 Throwing your wait around. 18348% 18349Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches. 18350 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth 18351% 18352Finagle's Creed: 18353 Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. 18354% 18355Finagle's Eighth Law: 18356 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 18357 18358Finagle's Ninth Law: 18359 No matter what results are expected, 18360 someone is always willing to fake it. 18361 18362Finagle's Tenth Law: 18363 No matter what the result someone 18364 is always eager to misinterpret it. 18365 18366Finagle's Eleventh Law: 18367 No matter what occurs, someone believes 18368 it happened according to his pet theory. 18369% 18370Finagle's First Law: 18371 To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start. 18372 18373Finagle's Second Law: 18374 Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working. 18375 18376Finagle's Fourth Law: 18377 Once a job is fouled up, 18378 anything done to improve it only makes it worse. 18379 18380Finagle's Fifth Law: 18381 Always draw your curves, then plot your readings. 18382 18383Finagle's Sixth Law: 18384 Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them. 18385% 18386Finagle's Second Law: 18387 No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be 18388someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it 18389happened according to his own pet theory. 18390% 18391Finagle's Seventh Law: 18392 The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum. 18393% 18394Finagle's Third Law: 18395 In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, 18396 beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. 18397 18398Corollaries: 18399 1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. 18400 2. The first person who stops by, whose advice you really 18401 don't want to hear, will see it immediately. 18402% 18403Finality is death. 18404Perfection is finality. 18405Nothing is perfect. 18406There are lumps in it. 18407% 18408Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture 18409on a rock. 18410 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 18411% 18412Fine day for friends. 18413So-so day for you. 18414% 18415Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. 18416% 18417Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. 18418% 18419Fine's Corollary: 18420 Functionality breeds Contempt. 18421% 18422Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less: 18423 18424 "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..." 18425 18426Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to: 18427 18428 P.O. Box 35 18429 Baffled Greek, Michigan 18430% 18431Finster's Law: 18432A closed mouth gathers no feet. 18433% 18434First, a few words about tools. 18435 18436Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of 18437the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously 18438injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If 18439you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look 18440particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for 18441granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face. 18442 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 18443% 18444First Corollary of Taber's Second Law: 18445 Machines that piss people off get murdered. 18446 -- Pat Taber 18447% 18448First Law of Bicycling: 18449 No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind. 18450% 18451First law of debate: 18452 Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference. 18453% 18454First Law of Procrastination: 18455 Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility 18456for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed 18457the deadline). 18458% 18459First Law of Socio-Genetics: 18460 Celibacy is not hereditary. 18461% 18462First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really 18463self-respecting woman would take advantage of it. 18464 -- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island" 18465% 18466First Rule of History: 18467 History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each 18468other. 18469% 18470First rule of public speaking. 18471 First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em; 18472 then tell 'em; 18473 then tell 'em what you've tole 'em. 18474% 18475First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer. 18476But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all. 18477Dial-A-Wombat. 18478 It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone 18479call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the 18480phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said. 18481 Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of 18482the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk. 18483 But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth. 18484 The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its 18485bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub. 18486 Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in 18487another phone booth. 18488 There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth. 18489 The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and 18490released it, too, in the scrub. 18491 But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another 18492telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat. 18493 After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect, 18494and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons. 18495 Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in 18496telephone booths. 18497 -- "Newcastle Morning Herald", NSW Australia, Aug 1980 18498% 18499First things first -- but not necessarily in that order. 18500 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who" 18501% 18502"First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars; 18503"Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation; 18504and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of 18505trees to prove their manhood. 18506 -- Dave Barry 18507% 18508Fishbowl, n.: 18509 A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly 18510 promoted managers are kept for observation. 18511% 18512Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime. 18513 -- Jimmy Cannon 18514% 18515Five bicycles make a Volkswagen, seven make a truck. 18516 -- Adolfo Guzman 18517% 18518Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. 18519 -- Robert Firth 18520% 18521Five names that I can hardly stand to hear, 18522Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here, 18523I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard, 18524And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard, 18525Yes, I'm goin' insane, 18526And I'm laughing at the frozen rain, 18527Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home? 18528 Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend, 18529 Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a 18530 Transistor and a large sum of money to spend... 18531You fellah, you tearin' up the street, 18532You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat, 18533Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see, 18534That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me, 18535Yes, and goin' insane, 18536You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain, 18537Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home? 18538(chorus) 18539 -- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan" 18540% 18541Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman 18542were each asked to write a book on elephants. Some amount of time later they 18543had all completed their respective books. The Englishman's book was entitled 18544"The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian's "The Elephant -- Vol. I", 18545the American's "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman's 18546"The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman's "The Elephant and 18547Irish Political History". 18548% 18549Five rules for eternal misery: 18550 1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably. 18551 2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to 18552 treat these assumptions as though they are reality. 18553 3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis. 18554 4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with 18555 how much better things might have been or how much worse 18556 things might become). 18557 5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to 18558 follow the first four rules. 18559% 18560Flame on! 18561 -- Johnny Storm 18562% 18563Flannister, n.: 18564 The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together. 18565 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 18566% 18567Flappity, floppity, flip 18568The mouse on the m"obius strip; 18569 The strip revolved, 18570 The mouse dissolved 18571In a chronodimensional skip. 18572% 18573FLASH! 18574Intelligence of mankind decreasing. 18575Details at ... uh, when the little hand is on the ... 18576% 18577Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed. 18578 -- Josh Billings 18579% 18580Flattery will get you everywhere. 18581% 18582Flee at once, all is discovered. 18583% 18584Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself. 18585 -- Helen Rowland 18586% 18587Flon's Law: 18588 There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is 18589the least bit difficult to write bad programs. 18590% 18591Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her 18592husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my 18593joules!" 18594 18595"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux 18596a moment. Perhaps they're mislead." 18597 18598"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them 18599in my burette ... We must call a copper." 18600 18601Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms, 18602said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name 18603of Lawrence Ium. 18604 18605"We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and 18606dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can 18607catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an 18608activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ... 18609 -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations" 18610% 18611Flowchart, n. & v.: 18612 [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart 18613"a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."] 186141. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction 18615problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation 18616using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic 18617doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for 18618wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A 18619thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's 18620Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce 18621flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate 18622(a problem) with esoteric cartoons. 18623 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 18624% 18625Flugg's Law: 18626 When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the 18627world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. 18628% 18629Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ... 18630% 18631Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have. The greatest feeling? 18632Landing... Landing is the greatest feeling you can have. 18633% 18634Flying saucers on occasion 18635 Show themselves to human eyes. 18636Aliens fume, put off invasion 18637 While they brand these tales as lies. 18638% 18639Fog Lamps, n.: 18640 Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the fronts 18641 of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the 18642 driver's brain is in a fog. See also "Idiot Lights". 18643% 18644Follow me around. I don't care. I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a 18645tail on me, go ahead. They'd be very bored. 18646 -- Gary Hart, announcing his presidential candidacy, 18647 commenting on rumors of womanizing. 18648% 18649Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing. 18650 -- Walt Kelly, "Potluck Pogo" 18651% 18652Foolproof Operation: 18653 No provision for adjustment. 18654% 18655Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house. 18656% 18657Football builds self-discipline. What else would induce 18658a spectator to sit out in the open in subfreezing weather? 18659% 18660Football combines the two worst features of American life. 18661It is violence punctuated by committee meetings. 18662 -- George F. Will, "Men At Work: The Craft of Baseball" 18663% 18664Football is a game designed to keep coal miners off the streets. 18665 -- Jimmy Breslin 18666% 18667For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ... 18668% 18669For a good time, call (510) 642-9483 18670% 18671For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint. 18672% 18673For a light heart lives long. 18674 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 18675% 18676For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a 18677cat. 18678% 18679For adult education nothing beats children. 18680% 18681For ages, a deadly conflict has been waged between a few brave men and 18682women of thought and genius upon the one side, and the great ignorant 18683religious mass on the other. This is the war between Science and Faith. 18684The few have appealed to reason, to honor, to law, to freedom, to the 18685known, and to happiness here in this world. The many have appealed to 18686prejudice, to fear, to miracle, to slavery, to the unknown, and to 18687misery hereafter. The few have said "Think". The many have said "Believe!" 18688 -- Robert Ingersoll, "Gods" 18689% 18690For an adequate time call 555-3321. 18691% 18692For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be 18693always old-fashioned. 18694% 18695For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex. 18696 -- Gore Vidal 18697% 18698For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back. 18699% 18700For courage mounteth with occasion. 18701 -- William Shakespeare, "King John" 18702% 18703For every bloke who makes his mark, 18704there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out. 18705 -- Andy Capp 18706% 18707For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, 18708and wrong. 18709 -- H. L. Mencken 18710% 18711For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. 18712 -- R. Clopton 18713% 18714For every human problem, there is a neat, 18715plain solution -- and it is always wrong. 18716 -- H. L. Mencken 18717% 18718For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu. But if 18719you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or 18720not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt). The rule is 18721that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip; 18722when moving between an mskip and ordinary skip, the conversion factor 187231mu=1pt is always used. The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and 18724'\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear. 18725 -- Donald E. Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80 18726% 18727For fast-acting relief, try slowing down. 18728% 18729For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel 18730and cook. 18731 -- Quentin Crisp 18732% 18733For fools rush in where angels fear to tread. 18734 -- Alexander Pope 18735% 18736For gin, in cruel 18737Sober truth, 18738Supplies the fuel 18739For flaming youth. 18740 -- Noel Coward 18741% 18742For God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think! 18743% 18744For good, return good. 18745For evil, return justice. 18746% 18747For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. 18748 -- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul) 18749% 18750For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas! 18751but with break of day I went to make supplication. 18752 -- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D. 18753% 18754For knighthood is not in the feats of war, 18755As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong, 18756But in a cause which truth cannot defer: 18757He ought himself for to make sure and strong, 18758Just to keep mixt with mercy among: 18759And no quarrel a knight ought to take 18760But for a truth, or for the common's sake. 18761 -- Stephen Hawes 18762% 18763For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two. 18764% 18765For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble: 18766and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust. 18767 -- Sir Thomas More 18768% 18769For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to 18770get themselves filed. 18771 -- Clifton Fadiman 18772% 18773For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I 18774put them in the same room and let them fight it out. 18775 -- Steven Wright 18776% 18777For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire 18778life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days 18779now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets 18780when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch 18781in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have 18782the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which 18783means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are 18784advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are 18785the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their 18786names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot 18787("part of this complete breakfast"). 18788 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" 18789% 18790For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at 18791the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful 18792power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous 18793and bad music may be put on record forever. 18794 -- Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888 18795% 18796For people who like that kind of book, 18797that is the kind of book they will like. 18798% 18799For perfect happiness, remember two things: 18800 (1) Be content with what you've got. 18801 (2) Be sure you've got plenty. 18802% 18803FOR SALE: 18804 Parachute. Used once. 18805 Never opened. Slightly Stained. 18806% 18807For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say 18808"Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something. 18809 -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to the U.S. 18810% 18811For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz. 18812% 18813For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of 18814a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last step of doing away with 18815computers altogether? 18816 -- Jehan Shuman 18817% 18818For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels, 18819each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall 18820was a gate. 18821 -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King" 18822 18823 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 18824 referring to system overview.] 18825 18826% 18827For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years. 18828This gives me great hope for the human race. 18829 -- Harlan Ellison 18830% 18831For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear. 18832% 18833For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers. 18834 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 18835% 18836For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can 18837neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one? 18838 -- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse" 18839 18840 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 18841 referring to powerfail recovery.] 18842% 18843For they starve the frightened little child 18844Till it weeps both night and day: 18845And they scourge the weak, and flog the fool, 18846And gibe the old and grey, 18847And some grow mad, and all grow bad, 18848And none a word may say. 18849 18850Each narrow cell in which we dwell 18851Is a foul and dark latrine, 18852And the fetid breath of living Death 18853Chokes up each grated screen, 18854And all, but Lust, is turned to dust 18855In Humanity's machine. 18856 18857And all men kill the thing they love, 18858By all let this be heard, 18859Some do it with a bitter look, 18860Some with a flattering word, 18861The coward does it with a kiss, 18862The brave man with a sword. 18863 -- Oscar Wilde 18864% 18865For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___. 18866When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged 18867him to do so. "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to 18868spend my evenings?" 18869 -- Chamfort 18870% 18871For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the 18872'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow 18873recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned 18874protected species. 18875 Ingredients: 18876 1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag 18877 2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal 18878 1 teaspoonful salt 18879 8 oz. shredded suet 18880 2 small onions 18881 1/2 teaspoonful black pepper 18882 18883 Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water. Soak in salt water 18884overnight. Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over 18885the side of pot. Retain 1 pint of stock. Cut off windpipe, remove surplus 18886gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about 18887half only). Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet, 18888salt, pepper and stock to moisten. Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for 18889swelling. Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over. If bag not 18890available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for 18891four to five hours. 18892% 18893For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they like. 18894 -- Abraham Lincoln 18895% 18896For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but 18897phone calls taper off. 18898 -- Johnny Carson 18899% 18900For what it's worth, if you -can- get Michelle Pfeiffer to model 18901a latex daemon suit for the catalog, I strongly suggest you do. 18902Breasts can sell anything. Shiny red latex body suits start 18903religions. 18904 -- Brian McGroarty <bvmcg@yahoo.com> 18905% 18906For years a secret shame destroyed my peace -- 18907I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. 18908But now I think a thought that brings me hope: 18909Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope. 18910 -- Justin Richardson 18911% 18912For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH! 18913% 18914Force has no place where there is need of skill. 18915 -- Herodotus 18916% 18917"Force is but might," the teacher said-- 18918"That definition's just." 18919The boy said naught but thought instead, 18920Remembering his pounded head: 18921"Force is not might but must!" 18922% 18923Force it!!! 18924If it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway... 18925No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer. 18926% 18927FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX! 18928% 18929Forecast, n.: 18930 A prediction of the future, based on the past, for 18931 which the forecaster demands payment in the present. 18932% 18933Forest fires cause Smokey Bears. 18934% 18935Forgetfulness, n.: 18936 A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for 18937 their destitution of conscience. 18938% 18939Forgive and forget. 18940 -- Cervantes 18941% 18942Forgive him, 18943for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature! 18944 -- George Bernard Shaw 18945% 18946Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee 18947And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me. 18948 -- Robert Frost 18949% 18950Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names. 18951 -- John F. Kennedy 18952% 18953Forms follow function, and often obliterate it. 18954% 18955Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit. 18956% 18957FORTH IF HONK THEN 18958% 18959FORTRAN is a good example of a language 18960which is easier to parse using ad hoc techniques. 18961 -- D. Gries 18962 [What's good about it? Ed.] 18963% 18964FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy, 18965occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer. 18966 -- Alan J. Perlis 18967% 18968FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers. 18969 -- Steven Feiner 18970% 18971FORTRAN rots the brain. 18972 -- John McQuillin 18973% 18974FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly 18975inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is 18976too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use. 18977 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 18978% 18979[FORTRAN] will persist for some time -- 18980probably for at least the next decade. 18981 -- T. Cheatham 18982% 18983Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils. 18984% 18985Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of 18986the person making the claim, not the critic. It is not the responsibility 18987of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the 18988responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals 18989or colored lights never healed anyone. The skeptic's role is to point out 18990claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidence and to 18991provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with 18992the accepted body of scientific evidence. 18993 -- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII, 18994 No. 2, pg. 215 18995% 18996Fortune and love befriend the bold. 18997 -- Ovid 18998% 18999FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #3 19000 19001Q: Why haven't you graduated yet? 19002A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted 19003 my dissertation to rhyme. 19004% 19005FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #8 19006 19007Q: Is God a myth? 19008A: No, He's a mythter. 19009% 19010fortune: cannot execute. Out of cookies. 19011% 19012fortune: CPU time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped. 19013% 19014FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #14 19015 19016Low Blows: 19017 Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One 19018of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must 19019hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain. 19020 19021Dressing Up: 19022 A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the 19023garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up 19024for: weddings, funerals. Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about 19025weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men laugh about "the bachelor 19026party". 19027 19028David Letterman: 19029 Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the 19030Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad 19031haircut. 19032% 19033FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #16 19034 19035Relationships: 19036 First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he 19037refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular 19038basis". 19039 When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to 19040her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then 19041she will get on with her life. 19042 A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the 19043breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just 19044wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I 19045hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's 19046always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" 19047drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are 19048community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, 19049these classes rarely prove effective. 19050% 19051FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #17 19052 19053Shoes: 19054 The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes, 19055boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor 19056of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet. 19057 19058Making friends: 19059 A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things 19060together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends." 19061 A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things 19062together, and say nothing. After years of interacting with this other man, 19063sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or 19064psychiatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken 19065sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a 19066jerk, I guess you're OK." 19067% 19068FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #2 19069 19070Desserts: 19071 A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic 19072work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before 19073she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge. A man will start by 19074grabbing the cherry in the center. 19075 19076Car repair: 19077 The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair 19078manuals for every car made since World War II. He will work on a problem 19079himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be 19080fixed without special tools". 19081 The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an 19082accurate description of an automotive problem. She will, however, have the 19083car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than 19084the average man. 19085% 19086FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #4 19087 19088Weddings: 19089 When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". 19090Men talk about "the bachelor party". 19091 19092Clothes: 19093 Men don't discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt 19094he wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about 19095the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let new shirts sit on 19096the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting 19097them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age. 19098 Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year. 19099They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions. 19100% 19101FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #5 19102 19103Trust: 19104 The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling 19105around behind her back. This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if 19106she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair. She'll tell all her 19107OTHER friends, however. The average man won't say anything if he knows that 19108one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if 19109his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one 19110of his friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though, 19111so they can be ready if he needs an alibi. 19112 19113Driving: 19114 19115 A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind 19116the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep 19117him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting 19118to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The 19119Right Stuff on the morning commute. Does he or doesn't he? Only his body 19120shop knows for sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and 19121price their policies accordingly. 19122 A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get 19123rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to 19124her makeup. 19125% 19126FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #6 19127 19128Bathrooms: 19129 A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste, 19130shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. 19131The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man 19132would not be able to identify most of these items. 19133 19134Groceries: 19135 A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store 19136and buys these things. A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge 19137are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys 19138everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, 19139his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. 19140Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane. 19141% 19142FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #8 19143 19144Going Out: 19145 When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go 19146out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready 19147to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup, 19148checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend... 19149 19150Cats: 19151 Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't 19152looking, men kick cats. 19153 19154Offspring: 19155 Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows 19156about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends 19157and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. Men are vaguely 19158aware of some short people living in the house. 19159% 19160FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #9 19161 19162Laundry: 19163 Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article 19164of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight 19165years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, 19166he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain 19167of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at 19168the laundromat. This is a myth. 19169 19170Nicknames: 19171 If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, 19172they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if 19173Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately 19174refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless. 19175 19176Socks: 19177 Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. 19178Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures 19179of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back. 19180% 19181FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10 19182 19183CARTABLANCA: 19184 Bogart stars as the owner of a North African nightclub that sells 19185 only Mexican beer. Of course, this policy gets him into no end of 19186 trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer 19187 wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is 19188 fit to be sold. Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in 19189 which the much-hated German beer distributor is drowned in a vat. 19190% 19191FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #11 19192 19193MONOPOLI: 19194 Peter Weir's classic film examining the false heroism of parlour 19195 games. The powerful ending of the film sees one young man after 19196 another charge toward GO, only to senselessly lose his life on the 19197 Boardwalk property. 19198% 19199FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12 19200 19201O.E.D.: David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min. 19202 19203 Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of 19204 shallowness in its treatment of a complete work. Omar Sharif 19205 tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guinness is solid in 19206 the role of abbacy. As usual, the photography is stunning. 19207 With Julie Christie. 19208% 19209FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3 19210 19211MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET: 19212 Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and 19213 tries to make it big on Broadway. Santa sings and dances his way 19214 into your heart. 19215% 19216FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4 19217 19218WITLESS: 19219 Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role 19220 of his career. Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the 19221 run from corrupt officials. He is wounded and then nursed back to 19222 health by Amish Mennonites. Fearful that they might unwittingly 19223 reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away. 19224% 19225FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5 19226 19227THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER: 19228 This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly woman 19229 forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the family 19230 make ends meet. At night, granny sits on the porch, tells tales 19231 of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook barbecues 19232 and to power small electrical appliances. Maureen Stapleton gives 19233 a glowing performance. 19234% 19235FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #6 19236 19237RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min. 19238 One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and 19239 arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating 19240 hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison. 19241% 19242FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #7 19243 19244OUT OF "OUT OF AFRICA": 19245 This film is a compilation of selected news clips depicting audiences 19246 frantically pushing and shoving to get out of theatres where "Out of 19247 Africa" is showing. Many people are trampled to death in the frenzy. 19248 Due to its violence and offensive language, not recommended for 19249 younger viewers. 19250% 19251FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #8 19252 19253THE SMURFS AND THE CUISINART (1986) 19254 The lovable little blue Smurfs encounter a lovable little kitchen 19255 appliance, which invites them to play. The Smurfs learn a valuable 19256 (if sometimes fatal) lesson. 19257 19258THE SMURFS AND THE CARBON-DIOXIDE INDUSTRIAL LASER (1987) 19259 The inevitable sequel. The lovable and somewhat mangled surviving 19260 Smurfs team up with the Care Bears to encounter a cute, lovable piece 19261 of high-tech welding equipment, which teaches them the magic of 19262 becoming rather greasy smoke. Heartwarming fun for the entire family. 19263% 19264FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9 19265 19266THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS: Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min. 19267 19268 Godard's meditation on the topic has been described as 19269 everything from "timeless" to "endless." (Remade by Gene 19270 Wilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.) 19271% 19272Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: 19273 19274It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and 19275supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to 19276more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant 19277negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a 19278negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive 19279as that in support of an affirmative. 19280 -- 254 Pac. Rep. 472 19281% 19282Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: 19283 19284We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be 19285left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it 19286seems to us that someone has been very careless. 19287 -- 78 So. 365 19288% 19289Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: 19290 19291We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" 19292may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine 19293species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female 19294of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two 19295revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think 19296it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person. 19297 -- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466 19298% 19299FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #1 19300 19301Skilled oral communicator: 19302 Mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak. Talks to self. 19303 Argues with self. Loses these arguments. 19304 19305Skilled written communicator: 19306 Scribbles well. Memos are invariable illegible, except for 19307 the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else. 19308 19309Growth potential: 19310 With proper guidance, periodic counseling, and remedial training, 19311 the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet 19312 the minimum requirements expected of him by the company. 19313 19314Key company figure: 19315 Serves as the perfect counter example. 19316% 19317FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #4 19318 19319Consistent: 19320 Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated 19321 that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year. 19322 19323An excellent sounding board: 19324 Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement 19325 them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification. 19326 19327A planner and organizer: 19328 Usually manages to put on socks before shoes. Can match the 19329 animal tags on his clothing. 19330% 19331FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #9 19332 19333Has management potential: 19334 Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the 19335 reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department 19336 pencil monitor. 19337 19338Inspirational: 19339 A true inspiration to others. ("There, but for the grace of God, 19340 go I.") 19341 19342Adapts to stress: 19343 Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the 19344 situation. 19345 19346Goal oriented: 19347 Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails 19348 to meet them. 19349% 19350Fortune favors the lucky. 19351% 19352Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12 19353 19354 Those who can, do. Those who can't, write the instructions. 19355% 19356Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15 19357 19358 "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." 19359 And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas 19360 Cowboy cheerleaders. 19361% 19362Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17 19363 19364 "This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath, 19365 May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet." 19366 Juliet, this bud's for you. 19367% 19368Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2 19369 19370 If at first you don't succeed, think how many people 19371 you've made happy. 19372% 19373Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21 19374 19375 Shall I compare thee to a Summer day? 19376 No, I guess not. 19377% 19378Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3 19379 19380 Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car. 19381% 19382Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6 19383 19384 "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?" 19385 It's nothing, honey. Go back to sleep. 19386% 19387Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9 19388 19389 A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument. 19390% 19391fortune: No such file or directory 19392% 19393fortune: not found 19394% 19395Fortune presents: 19396 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1. 19397 19398^Cu vi parolas angle? Do you speak English? 19399Mi ne komprenas. I don't understand. 19400Vi estas la sola esperantisto kiun mi You're the only Esperanto speaker 19401 renkontas. I've met. 19402La ^ceko estas enpo^stigita. The check is in the mail. 19403Oni ne povas, ^gin netrovi. You can't miss it. 19404Mi nur rigardadas. I'm just looking around. 19405Nu, ^sajnis bona ideo. Well, it seemed like a good idea. 19406% 19407Fortune presents: 19408 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2. 19409 19410^Cu tiu loko estas okupita? Is this seat taken? 19411^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien? Do you come here often? 19412^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron? May I have your phone number? 19413Mi estas komputilisto. I work with computers. 19414Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio. I read a lot of science fiction. 19415^Cu necesas ke vi eliras? Do you really have to be going? 19416% 19417Fortune presents: 19418 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5. 19419 19420Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse. 19421 ^cevalon. 19422Vere vi ^sercas. You must be kidding. 19423Nu, parDOOOOOnu min! Well exCUUUUUSE me! 19424Kiu invitis vin? Who invited you? 19425Kion vi diris pri mia patrino? What did you say about my mother? 19426Bu^so^stopu min per kulero. Gag me with a spoon. 19427% 19428FORTUNE PRESENTS FAMOUS LAST WORDS: #4 19429 19430Socrates: I DRANK WHAT!?!? 19431Tarzan: Who greased the grape viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee........ 19432Al Capone: There's a violin in my violin case! 19433Pilot, TWA Fl. #343: What's a mountain goat doing 'way up here? 19434% 19435FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13 19436 19437A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy 19438Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates? 19439% 19440FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15 19441 19442A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police. 19443Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy? 19444% 19445FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19 19446 19447A: To be or not to be. 19448Q: What is the square root of 4b^2? 19449% 19450FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21 19451 19452A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume. 19453Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name? 19454% 19455FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31 19456 19457A: Chicken Teriyaki. 19458Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot? 19459% 19460FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4 19461 19462A: Go west, young man, go west! 19463Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound? 19464% 19465FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5 19466 19467A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli. 19468Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines. 19469% 19470FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5 19471 19472 "And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!" 19473 -- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965 19474% 19475FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6 19476 19477 "Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!" 19478 -- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954 19479% 19480Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands! 19481 19482Try: 19483 ar t "God" 19484 drink < bottle; opener (Bourne Shell) 19485 cat "food in tin cans" (all but 4.[23]BSD) 19486 Hey UNIX! Got a match? (V6 or C shell) 19487 mkdir matter; cat > matter (Bourne Shell) 19488 rm God 19489 man: Why did you get a divorce? (C shell) 19490 date me (anything up to 4.3BSD) 19491 make "heads or tails of all this" 19492 who is smart 19493 (C shell) 19494 If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have? 19495 sleep with me (anything up to 4.3BSD) 19496% 19497Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai 19498sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles. 19499 19500Oh, and have a nice day! 19501 -- Bryce Nesbitt '84 19502% 19503Fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate: 19504 19505 I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine. 19506 "Hey you, get off my plate" 19507 -- Roger Midnight 19508% 19509Fortune's current rates: 19510 19511 Answers .10 19512 Long answers .25 19513 Answers requiring thought .50 19514 Correct answers $1.00 19515 19516 Dumb looks are still free. 19517% 19518Fortune's diet truths: 195191: Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream. 195202: Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud. 195213: Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate. In fact, carob is not 19522 an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish. 195234: There is no such thing as a "fun salad." So let's stop pretending and see 19524 salads for what they are: God's punishment for being fat. 195255: Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as 19526 appealing as tepid beer. 195276: A world lacking gravy is a tragic place! 195287: You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and 19529 low-cal." Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver." They aren't and 19530 it isn't. 195318: Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable. 195329: Fresh fruit is not dessert. CAKE is dessert! 1953310: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies. 1953411: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and 19535 swallowing. 19536% 19537Fortune's Exercising Truths: 19538 195391: Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic. You don't. 195402. Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart. So do heart attacks. 195413. Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life. 195424. Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing. 195435. No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done 19544 quietly at your desk at work. People will suspect manic tendencies as 19545 you twitter around in your chair. 195466. Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys most is tripping joggers. 195477. Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around 19548 for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard 19549 racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity. 195508. Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups, 19551 followed by one throw-up. 195529. Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided. 19553% 19554FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8 19555 Christmas Rum Cake 19556 195571 or 2 quarts rum 1 tbsp. baking powder 195581 cup butter 1 tsp. soda 195591 tsp. sugar 1 tbsp. lemon juice 195602 large eggs 2 cups brown sugar 195612 cups dried assorted fruit 3 cups chopped English walnuts 19562 19563Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now 19564select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It 19565must be just right. Be sure the rum is of the highest quality. Pour one cup 19566of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric 19567mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of tugar 19568and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality. 19569Sample another cup. Open second quart as necessary. Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups 19570of fried druit and beat untill high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the 19571beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again, checking 19572for toncisticity. Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a 19573seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter). 19574Sample some more. Sift 912 pint of lemon juice. Fold in schopped butter and 19575strained chups. Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have. 19576Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until 19577poothtick comes out crean. 19578% 19579Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week: 19580 "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?" 19581% 19582FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1 19583 A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America. 19584 A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle. 19585 A giant panda bear is really a member of the raccoon family. 19586 A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat 19587 rather than a spotted one. 19588 Peanuts are not really nuts. The majority of nuts grow on trees 19589 while peanuts grow underground. They are classified as a 19590 legume-part of the pea family. 19591 A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit. 19592% 19593FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14 19594 The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe" 19595Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland. 19596% 19597FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #37 19598 Can you name the seven seas? 19599 Antarctic, Arctic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian, 19600 North Pacific, South Pacific. 19601 Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White? 19602 Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful. 19603% 19604FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #44 19605 Zebra's are colored with dark stripes on a light background. 19606% 19607FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #108 19608 19609In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless 19610there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red 19611flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. 19612% 19613FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14 19614 According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath 19615at least once a year. 19616% 19617FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #16 19618 19619The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River 19620can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock. 19621% 19622FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #19 19623 A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in 19624his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional 19625ability in that particular field." 19626% 19627FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1 19628 19629In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own 19630at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public. 19631% 19632FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #2 19633 Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa. 19634% 19635FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #3 19636 A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the 19637movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the 19638right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them. 19639% 19640FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #8 19641 19642 Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart 19643a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. 19644% 19645Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month): 19646 19647 Don't Write On Walls! 19648 19649 (and underneath) 19650 19651 You want I should type? 19652% 19653Fortune's Great Moments in History: #3 19654 19655August 27, 1949: 19656 A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the 19657 Women's Air Corp. It was a WAC's Museum. 19658% 19659FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14 19660What to do... 19661 if reality disappears? 19662 Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There isn't much that you 19663 can do about it. It will probably be quite unpleasant. 19664 19665 if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time 19666 traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you? 19667 Play this one by the book. Ask about the stock market and cash in. 19668 Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your 19669 younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox. If you 19670 expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles 19671 behind time travel, and possibly schematics. Never, NEVER, ask 19672 when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO. 19673% 19674FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2 19675What to do... 19676 if you get a phone call from Mars: 19677 Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit 19678 your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine if you are 19679 speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen. 19680 19681 if he, she or it doesn't speak English? 19682 Hang up. There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone. 19683 If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she 19684 or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before 19685 calling. 19686 19687 if you get a phone call from Jupiter? 19688 Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter, 19689 he, she or it is not "life as we know it". Try to terminate the 19690 conversation as soon as possible. It will not profit you, and the 19691 charges may have been reversed. 19692% 19693FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6 19694What to do... 19695 if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard? 19696 First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have any 19697 film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe 19698 you anyway. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive, 19699 they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude. 19700 Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably 19701 wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help. 19702 19703 if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your 19704 closet contains an alternate dimension? 19705 Don't walk in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back, 19706 and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm 19707 and go back to bed. Close the door first, so that the cat does not 19708 wander off. Check your closet in the morning. If it still contains 19709 an alternate dimension, nail it shut. 19710% 19711Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking: 19712 19713WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE: 19714 19715Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton -- born 1608 19716of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the 19717combination of beauty and power. Few have 19718excelled him in the use of the English language, 19719or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form, 19720'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest 19721single poem ever written." 19722 19723Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now 19724doubt the complete advantageousness face the United States are 19725of some of Roosevelt's policies... directly traceable to the 19726 bungling and greed of President 19727 Roosevelt. 19728 19729... it is possible that we simply do Professor Mitchell is a 19730not understand the Russian viewpoint... communist. 19731% 19732Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky): 19733 No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this 19734State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed 19735with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females 19736weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it 19737apply to female horses. 19738% 19739Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful Morals 19740goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an impassioned 19741House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and clam research," a 19742sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero 19743and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan. 19744 19745Dingell: "There are places in the world at the present time where we are 19746 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams." 19747Hoffman: "You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?" 19748Dingell: "They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is 19749 that female oysters through their living habits cast out large 19750 amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large amounts of 19751 fertilization." 19752Hoffman: "Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many 19753 teenagers who read The Congressional Record." 19754% 19755Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week: 19756 19757 Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige. 19758% 19759FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS: #14 19760 19761 Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to 19762your good liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert 19763and light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything 19764drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck. 19765% 19766Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18: 19767 19768Q: Are you married? 19769A: No, I'm divorced. 19770Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him? 19771A: A lot of things I didn't know about. 19772% 19773Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19: 19774 19775Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? 19776A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. 19777% 19778Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29: 19779 19780THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present 19781 information and prejudice from your minds, if you have 19782 any ... 19783% 19784Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32: 19785 19786Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? 19787A: I will be three months November 8th. 19788Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? 19789A: Yes. 19790Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time? 19791% 19792Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37: 19793 19794Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears? 19795A: No. 19796Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears? 19797A: Picking them up in the air. 19798Q: Where was the dog at this time? 19799A: Attached to the ears. 19800% 19801Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3: 19802 19803Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were 19804 able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to 19805 go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with 19806 him to the station? 19807MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. 19808% 19809Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41: 19810 19811Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? 19812A: By death. 19813Q: And by whose death was it terminated? 19814% 19815Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52: 19816 19817Q: What is your name? 19818A: Ernestine McDowell. 19819Q: And what is your marital status? 19820A: Fair. 19821% 19822Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7: 19823 19824Q: What happened then? 19825A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify 19826 me." 19827Q: Did he kill you? 19828A: No. 19829% 19830Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2 19831 19832Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over 19833the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that 19834the author of a memo is trying to say. Thanks to modern developments 19835in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an 19836incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has 19837never known. Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's 19838memo is practically nil. Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having 19839done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly. If you *do* understand 19840the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then 19841you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack. In fact, 19842the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows: 19843 19844 1: When you agree completely with the author of a memo. 19845 2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are. 19846 3: When replying to one of your own memos. 19847% 19848FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2 19849 19850 Never goose a wolverine. 19851% 19852FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23 19853 19854 Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn. 19855% 19856Forty isn't old, if you're a tree. 19857% 19858Four be the things I am wiser to know: 19859 Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. 19860 19861Four be the things I'd been better without: 19862 Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. 19863 19864Three be the things I shall never attain: 19865 Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. 19866 19867Three be the things I shall have till I die: 19868 Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye. 19869 -- Dorothy Parker, "Inventory" 19870% 19871Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on 19872tombstones, women and competitors. 19873 -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar 19874% 19875Four hours to bury the cat? 19876Yes, damn thing wouldn't keep still, kept mucking about, 'owling... 19877% 19878Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue 19879ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature. 19880This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays. 19881 -- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink", ed. D. Wynn 19882% 19883Fourth Law of Applied Terror: 19884 The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology 19885 instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. 19886 19887Corollary: 19888 Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except 19889 study for that instructor's course. 19890% 19891Fourth Law of Revision: 19892 It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about 19893 interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one 19894 for you. 19895% 19896Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not 19897almost one, it is damn near zero. 19898 -- David Ellis 19899% 19900Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a 19901policeman's tie. 19902% 19903Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix. 19904 -- Rhett Buggler 19905% 19906Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason. 19907 -- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book" 19908% 19909Free Speech Is The Right To Shout "Theater" In A Crowded Fire. 19910 -- A Yippie proverb 19911% 19912Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite. 19913% 19914Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude. 19915% 19916Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better. 19917 -- Camus 19918% 19919Freedom is slavery. 19920Ignorance is strength. 19921War is peace. 19922 -- George Orwell 19923% 19924Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one. 19925% 19926Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose. 19927 -- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee" 19928% 19929Fremen add life to spice! 19930% 19931Fresco's Discovery: 19932 If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored. 19933% 19934Friction is a drag. 19935% 19936Fried's 1st Rule: 19937 Increased automation of clerical function 19938 invariably results in increased operational costs. 19939% 19940Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. 19941 -- Thomas Jones 19942% 19943Friends, n.: 19944 People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them. 19945 19946 People who know you well, but like you anyway. 19947% 19948Friends, Romans, Hipsters, 19949Let me clue you in; 19950I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him. 19951The square kicks some cats are on stay with them; 19952The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus 19953Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes; 19954If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea, 19955And, like, old Caesar really set them straight. 19956Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat; 19957So are they all, all cool cats, -- 19958Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down. 19959% 19960Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority 19961over the other. 19962 -- Honore de Balzac 19963% 19964Frisbeetarianism, n.: 19965 The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and 19966 gets stuck. 19967% 19968Frobnicate, v.: 19969 To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ. 19970Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a 19971frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK 19972sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless 19973manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse 19974search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is 19975turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it 19976he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the 19977screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because 19978turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it. 19979% 19980Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.: 19981 An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to 19982electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to 19983FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and 19984FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl. 19985FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure 19986via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be 19987applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures. 19988% 19989From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds. 19990 -- Ad for the new VW Corrado 19991% 19992From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. 19993That is the point that must be reached. 19994 -- F. Kafka 19995% 19996From a Tru64 patch description: 19997 19998 Fixes a bug that causes a panic due to software error 19999% 20000[From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology 20001Association, in Rome]: 20002 20003The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria 20004and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not 20005spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods, 20006or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in 20007millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have 20008reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology 20009engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general, 20010president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social 20011schizophrenia in mass genocide. 20012% 20013From Italian tourist guide: 20014 20015 "Non stop trains to Roma Termini Station leave from 7.38 20016 a.m. to 10.08 p.m., hourly." 20017% 20018From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance. 20019% 20020From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first. 20021 -- Bertolt Brecht 20022% 20023From the crystal swirling waters, 20024Of the Rio Amazon, 20025To the sacred halls of Bayonne, 20026Where we stand pajamas on. (It's the only thing that rhymes.) 20027From ev'ry hallowed venue, 20028Ev'ry forest, mount and vale, 20029Your butt is on the menu 20030And the check is in the mail. 20031 -- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races" 20032% 20033From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was 20034convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. 20035 -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults" 20036% 20037[From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made 20038in Japan]: 20039 20040The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT 20041MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is 20042featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality 20043against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design", 20044"flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00 20045Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile 20046operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc. 20047 20048And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help 20049achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by 20050HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being. 20051% 20052From the pages of Open Systems Today - October 13, 1994 .......... 20053 20054 "The International Standards Organization (ISO) and the 20055 International Electrotechnical Commission (IEC) designated 20056 October 14 as World Standards Day to recognize those 20057 volunteers who have worked hard to define international 20058 standards.......The United States celebrated World Standards 20059 Day on October 11; Finland celebrated on October 13; and 20060 Italy celebrated on October 18." 20061% 20062From the Pointless Comparison Collection: 20063 20064 To give you an idea of how sensitive these antennas are, 20065 if we were to "listen" to one spacecraft in the outer solar 20066 system by Jupiter or Saturn for 1 billion years and add up 20067 all the signal we collected, it would be enough power to 20068 set off the flash bulb on your camera once. 20069 20070 -- Peter Doms, manager of the Deep Space Network 20071 systems program at JPL 20072% 20073From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the 20074instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new 20075experience in sound: 20076 20077 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading 20078 sound is normal for this type of connector. 20079% 20080From too much love of living, 20081From hope and fear set free, 20082We thank with brief thanksgiving, 20083Whatever gods may be, 20084That no life lives forever, 20085That dead men rise up never, 20086That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea. 20087 -- Swinburne 20088% 20089Fuch's Warning: 20090 If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well 20091 enough to travel. 20092% 20093Fudd's First Law of Opposition: 20094 Push something hard enough and it will fall over. 20095% 20096Fun experiments: 20097 Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week. 20098 Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want... 20099 bedroom, car, etc. As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount. 20100% 20101Fun Facts, #14: 20102 In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins. That's how 20103 it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won. 20104% 20105Fun Facts, #63: 20106 The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores. 20107 It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the 20108 Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in 20109 1510. 20110% 20111Function reject. 20112% 20113Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything. 20114% 20115Furbling, v.: 20116 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank 20117 even when you are the only person in line. 20118 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 20119% 20120Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. 20121 -- H. H. Williams 20122% 20123Furthermore, if we send something by car, it's a shipment... 20124but if we send it by ship, it's cargo. 20125% 20126Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening. 20127% 20128Future will arrive by its own means. Progress not so. 20129 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 20130% 20131G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One 20132of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his 20133secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says 20134`No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And 20135that's your chance, my boy." 20136% 20137Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union. 20138 -- Joseph Stalin 20139% 20140Galbraith's Law of Human Nature: 20141 Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that 20142 there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof. 20143% 20144Garbage In - Gospel Out. 20145% 20146Garter, n.: 20147 An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her 20148 stockings and desolating the country. 20149 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 20150% 20151Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall on 20152our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!! 20153 -- Adventures of Asterix 20154% 20155Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". 20156 20157 Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound 20158than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: 20159 "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." 20160Obvious, isn't it? 20161 Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start 20162speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as 20163long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all 20164your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and 20165so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed 20166individuals and then grow ... 20167 Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those 20168signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when 20169everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on 20170the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs 20171backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I 20172think not, my friend, I think not. 20173 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 20174% 20175GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) 20176 A day to take the initiative. Put the garbage out, for 20177 instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners. Watch 20178 the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good 20179 in it today, either. 20180% 20181GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) 20182 You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you 20183because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much 20184for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for 20185committing incest. 20186% 20187GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20) 20188 Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while 20189you can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise 20190and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short 20191trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room. 20192% 20193Genderplex, n.: 20194 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to 20195 determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and 20196 tortoises). 20197 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 20198% 20199Genealogy, n.: 20200 An account of one's descent from an ancestor 20201 who did not particularly care to trace his own. 20202 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 20203% 20204General notions are generally wrong. 20205 -- Lady M. W. Montagu 20206% 20207Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death. 20208 -- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645 20209% 20210Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving. 20211% 20212Generic Fortune. 20213% 20214Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals. 20215% 20216Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why 20217you should. 20218% 20219GENIUS: 20220 Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right 20221 time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying 20222 all the right things to all the right people. 20223% 20224Genius does what it must, and Talent does what it can. 20225 -- Owen Meredith 20226% 20227Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration. 20228 -- Thomas Alva Edison 20229% 20230Genius is pain. 20231 -- John Lennon 20232% 20233Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains. 20234% 20235Genius is the talent of a person who is dead. 20236% 20237Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. 20238 -- Elbert Hubbard 20239% 20240Genius, n.: 20241 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with 20242 "bright". 20243% 20244Genlock, n.: 20245 Why he stays in the bottle. 20246% 20247Gentlemen, 20248 Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach 20249to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying 20250with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and 20251thence by dispatch to our headquarters. 20252 We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all 20253manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable. 20254I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. 20255Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable 20256exceptions for which I beg your indulgence. 20257 Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted 20258for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous 20259confusion as to the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry 20260regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness 20261may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a 20262fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall. 20263 This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of 20264my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand 20265why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it 20266must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either 20267one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both: 20268 1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit 20269of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance: 20270 2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain. 20271 -- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office, 20272 London, 1812 20273% 20274Gentlemen do not read each other's mail. 20275 -- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down 20276 the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National 20277 Security Agency. 20278% 20279Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's 20280old girl friend. 20281% 20282George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of 20283his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note: 20284 "Bring a friend, if you have one." 20285 20286Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he 20287had a previous engagement. He also attached the following: 20288 "Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one." 20289% 20290George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0. 20291 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 20292% 20293George Orwell was an optimist. 20294% 20295George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to 20296have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend. 20297 -- Ashley Cooper 20298% 20299George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address. "Let 20300me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration. 20301 "Okay," agreed Sam. "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway." 20302 At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet 20303and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address. 20304No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog. 20305George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!" Then he looked at 20306the dog. The dog looked back. No sound. "Come on, boy, do your stuff." 20307Nothing. A disappointed George took his dog and went home. 20308 "Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George 20309yelled at the dog. "Do you realize how much money you lost me?" 20310 "Don't be silly, George," replied the dog. "Think of the odds we're 20311gonna get on Labor Day." 20312% 20313(German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only 20314one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then added, 20315"And he didn't understand me." 20316% 20317Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 20318 1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction. 20319 2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. 20320 3) The energy required to change either one of these states 20321 will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so 20322 much as to make the task totally impossible. 20323% 20324Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. 20325% 20326Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light. 20327 -- Dylan Thomas 20328% 20329Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children! 20330% 20331Getting into trouble is easy. 20332 -- D. Winkel and F. Prosser 20333% 20334Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked 20335out of the Book-of-the-Month Club. 20336 -- Melvin Belli on the occasion of his getting kicked out 20337 of the American Bar Association 20338% 20339Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. 20340 20341Corollary: 20342 Following the rules will not get the job done. 20343% 20344Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back. 20345% 20346Gibson's Springtime Song (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"): 20347 20348'Tis the season to chase mousies (Fa la la la la, la la la la) 20349Snatch them from their little housies (...) 20350First we chase them 'round the field (...) 20351Then we have them for a meal (...) 20352 20353Toss them here and catch them there (...) 20354See them flying through the air (...) 20355Watch them fly and hear them squeal (...) 20356Falling mice have great appeal (...) 20357 20358See the hunter stretched before us (...) 20359He's chased the mice in field and forest (...) 20360Watch him clean his long white whiskers (...) 20361Of the blood of little critters (...) 20362% 20363Gilbert's Discovery: 20364 Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces 20365 sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other. 20366% 20367Gil-galad was an Elven-King 20368of him the harpers sadly sing; 20369the last whose realm was fair and free 20370between the Mountains and the Sea. 20371 20372His sword was long, his lance was keen, 20373his shining helm afar was seen; 20374the countless stars of heaven's field 20375were mirrored in his silver shield. 20376 20377But long ago he rode away, 20378and where he dwelleth none can say; 20379for into darkness fell his star 20380in Mordor where the shadows are. 20381% 20382Ginger Snap 20383% 20384Ginsberg's Theorem: 20385 1. You can't win. 20386 2. You can't break even. 20387 3. You can't even quit the game. 20388 20389Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: 20390 Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem 20391 meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's 20392 Theorem. To wit: 20393 20394 1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 20395 2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break even. 20396 3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the game. 20397% 20398Ginsburg's Law: 20399 At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your 20400 big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on. 20401% 20402GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error. 20403% 20404Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. 20405Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner. 20406 -- Calvin Keegan 20407% 20408Give a small boy a hammer and he will find 20409that everything he encounters needs pounding. 20410% 20411Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it. 20412% 20413Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down 20414that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File". 20415% 20416Give him an evasive answer. 20417% 20418Give me a fish and I will eat today. 20419Teach me to fish and I will eat forever. 20420% 20421Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place 20422to stand, and I will drain the world. 20423% 20424Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles. 20425% 20426Give me chastity and continence, but not just now. 20427 -- St. Augustine 20428% 20429Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war. 20430 -- Napoleon 20431% 20432Give me libertines or give me meth. 20433% 20434Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe, 20435Bold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow! 20436But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send, 20437Save me, oh save me from the candid friend. 20438 -- George Canning 20439% 20440Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities! 20441% 20442Give me your students, your secretaries, 20443Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free, 20444The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's. 20445Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me. 20446I lift my disk beside the processor. 20447 -- Inscription on a Word Processor 20448% 20449Give thought to your reputation. 20450Consider changing your name and moving to a new town. 20451% 20452GIVE UP!!!! 20453% 20454Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. 20455% 20456Give your very best today. 20457Heaven knows it's little enough. 20458% 20459Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief. 20460 -- William Faulkner 20461% 20462Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [the 20463Open Software Foundation] is its mouth. 20464 -- John Gilmore 20465% 20466Given my druthers, I'd druther not. 20467% 20468Given sufficient time, what you put 20469off doing today will get done by itself. 20470% 20471Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying around, 20472I'd rather lie around. No contest. 20473 -- Eric Clapton 20474% 20475Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and 20476car keys to teenage boys. 20477 -- P. J. O'Rourke 20478% 20479Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: 20480Languages whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP 20481machine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf. 20482 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 20483% 20484Gleemites, n.: 20485 Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks. 20486 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 20487% 20488Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: 20489 Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the 20490 probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting 20491 some useful work done. 20492% 20493Gloffing is a state of mine. 20494% 20495Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink): 20496 fifth of dry red wine 20497 fifth of Aquavit 20498 1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon 20499 10 cardamom seeds 20500 1 cup raisins 20501 4 dried figs 20502 1 cup blanched or flaked almonds 20503 a few pieces of dried orange peel 20504 5 cloves 20505 1/2 lb. sugar cubes 20506 Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine 20507for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT 20508the sugar cubes. Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire 20509strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match. 20510Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved. Serve 20511hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup. 20512 N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot. Use it only 20513if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish 20514extraction. 20515% 20516Gnagloot, n.: 20517 A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to 20518 impress people. 20519 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 20520% 20521Go ahead, make my day. 20522 -- (Dirty) Harry Callahan 20523% 20524Go away, I'm all right. 20525 -- H. G. Wells' last words 20526% 20527Go away! Stop bothering me with all your 20528"compute this ... compute that"! I'm taking a VAX-NAP. 20529 20530logout 20531% 20532Go climb a gravity well. 20533% 20534Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. 20535% 20536Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no. 20537 -- J. R. R. Tolkien 20538% 20539Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you. 20540 -- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides 20541% 20542Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may 20543be in owning a piece thereof. 20544 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 20545% 20546Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends, 20547but quickly to their misfortunes. 20548 -- Chilo 20549% 20550Go to a movie tonight. 20551Darkness becomes you. 20552% 20553Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to 20554all your troubles. 20555 -- Andrew Jackson 20556 20557The foundations of our society and our government rest so much on the 20558teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if faith 20559in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our country. 20560 -- Calvin Coolidge 20561 20562Lastly, our ancestors established their system of government on morality and 20563religious sentiment. Moral habits, they believed, cannot safely be trusted 20564on any other foundation than religious principle, nor any government be 20565secure which is not supported by moral habits. 20566 -- Daniel Webster 20567% 20568Go 'way! You're bothering me! 20569% 20570Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world... 20571 -- Wally Shawn 20572% 20573GOD: 20574 Darwin's chief rival. 20575% 20576God created a few perfect heads. 20577The rest he covered with hair. 20578% 20579God created woman. 20580And boredom did indeed cease from that moment -- 20581but many other things ceased as well. 20582Woman was God's second mistake. 20583 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 20584% 20585God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six 20586days and then pulled an all-nighter. 20587% 20588God doesn't play dice. 20589 -- Albert Einstein 20590% 20591God gave man two ears and one tongue so 20592that we listen twice as much as we speak. 20593 -- Arab proverb 20594% 20595"God gives burdens; also shoulders." 20596 20597Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the 20598end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I 20599can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why 20600would he lie about a thing like that? 20601 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 20602% 20603God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to 20604change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference. 20605% 20606God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ... 20607The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do 20608not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman 20609... not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on 20610smoking and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and 20611water is not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in 20612the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at 20613night! 20614 -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher 20615% 20616God help the troubadour who tries to be a star. The more 20617that you try to find success, the more that you will fail. 20618 -- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect 20619% 20620God help those who do not help themselves. 20621 -- Wilson Mizner 20622% 20623God helps them that helps themselves. 20624 -- Benjamin Franklin 20625% 20626God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now! 20627% 20628God instructs the heart, not by ideas, 20629but by pains and contradictions. 20630 -- De Caussade 20631% 20632God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh. 20633% 20634God is a polytheist. 20635% 20636God is Dead. 20637 -- Nietzsche 20638Nietzsche is Dead. 20639 -- God 20640Nietzsche is God. 20641 -- The Dead 20642% 20643God is dead and I don't feel all too well either.... 20644 -- Ralph Moonen 20645% 20646God is love, but get it in writing. 20647 -- Gypsy Rose Lee 20648% 20649God is not dead. He is alive and well and working on a 20650much less ambitious project. 20651% 20652God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's! 20653% 20654God is real, unless declared integer. 20655% 20656God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the 20657elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying 20658other things. 20659 -- Pablo Picasso 20660% 20661God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. 20662 -- Alfred Jarry 20663% 20664God isn't dead. He just doesn't want to get involved. 20665% 20666God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. 20667% 20668God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through. 20669 -- Paul Valery 20670% 20671God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. 20672% 20673God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board. 20674 -- Mark Twain 20675% 20676God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. 20677 -- Kronecker 20678% 20679God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. 20680% 20681God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. 20682 -- Albert Einstein 20683% 20684God must have loved calories, she made so many of them. 20685% 20686God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them. 20687% 20688God rest ye CS students now, The bearings on the drum are gone, 20689Let nothing you dismay. The disk is wobbling, too. 20690The VAX is down and won't be up, We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol 20691Until the first of May. Can't tell false from true. 20692The program that was due this morn, And now we find that we can't get 20693Won't be postponed, they say. At Berkeley's 4.2. 20694(chorus) (chorus) 20695 20696We've just received a call from DEC, And now some cheery news for you, 20697They'll send without delay The network's also dead, 20698A monitor called RSuX We'll have to print your files on 20699It takes nine hundred K. The line printer instead. 20700The staff committed suicide, The turnaround time's nineteen weeks. 20701We'll bury them today. And only cards are read. 20702(chorus) (chorus) 20703 20704And now we'd like to say to you CHORUS: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, 20705Before we go away, Comfort and joy, 20706We hope the news we've brought to you Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. 20707Won't ruin your whole day. 20708You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way. 20709(chorus) 20710 -- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen 20711% 20712God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, 20713and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. 20714 -- William Bragg 20715% 20716God said it, I believe it and that's all there is to it. 20717% 20718God save us from a bad neighbor and a beginner on the fiddle. 20719% 20720God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects 20721to receive it. 20722 -- Austin O'Malley 20723% 20724God votes Republican. 20725% 20726God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal. 20727 -- Samuel Butler 20728% 20729Goda's Truism: 20730 By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet, 20731 somebody moves the ends. 20732% 20733Going the speed of light is bad for your age. 20734% 20735Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to 20736school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a 20737person a car. 20738% 20739Gold, n.: 20740 A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It 20741is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who 20742immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold 20743hasn't done anything to them. 20744 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 20745% 20746Goldenstern's Rules: 20747 1. Always hire a rich attorney. 20748 2. Never buy from a rich salesman. 20749% 20750Goldfish... what stupid animals. Even Wayne Cody stops 20751eating before he bursts. 20752% 20753Gold's Law: 20754 If the shoe fits, it's ugly. 20755% 20756Gomme's Laws: 20757 (1) A backscratcher will always find new itches. 20758 (2) Time accelerates. 20759 (3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away. 20760% 20761Gone With The Wind LITE(tm) 20762 -- by Margaret Mitchell 20763 20764 A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed. 20765 20766Gift of the Magii LITE(tm) 20767 -- by O. Henry 20768 20769 A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences. 20770 20771The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm) 20772 -- by Ernest Hemingway 20773 20774 An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck. 20775 20776Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm) 20777 -- by Anne Frank 20778 20779 A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered. 20780% 20781Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven. 20782% 20783Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad 20784example. 20785 -- La Rochefoucauld 20786% 20787Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall. 20788% 20789Good day for business affairs. 20790Make a pass at that the new file clerk. 20791% 20792Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. 20793% 20794Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school. 20795% 20796Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to work. 20797% 20798Good day to deal with people in high places; 20799particularly lonely stewardesses. 20800% 20801Good day to let down old friends who need help. 20802% 20803Good evening, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational 20804at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred 20805ninety-five. My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a 20806song. If you would like, I could sing it for you. 20807% 20808Good, fast, and cheap. Choose any two. 20809% 20810Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere. 20811% 20812Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of 20813those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the 20814will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of 20815government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders. 20816 -- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune" 20817% 20818"Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die. 20819% 20820Good judgment comes from experience. 20821Experience comes from bad judgment. 20822 -- Jim Horning 20823% 20824Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed. 20825% 20826Good morning. This is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're 20827giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely 20828at ten o'clock. That's two minutes from now. 20829% 20830Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day. 20831% 20832Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor. 20833% 20834Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. 20835% 20836Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are! 20837% 20838Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are. 20839% 20840Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's 20841new lover. 20842% 20843Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry. 20844 -- R. E. Schenk 20845% 20846Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre. 20847 -- Gail Godwin 20848% 20849Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored. 20850 -- George Saunders' dying words 20851% 20852Goodbye, cool world. 20853% 20854Goose pimples rose all over me, my hair stood on end, my eyes filled with 20855tears of love and gratitude for this greatest of all conquerors of human 20856misery and shame, and my breath came in little gasps. If I had not known 20857that the Leader would have scorned such adulation, I might have fallen to 20858my knees in unashamed worship, but instead I drew myself to attention, raised 20859my arm in the eternal salute of the ancient Roman Legions and repeated the 20860holy words, "Heil Hitler!" 20861 -- George Lincoln Rockwell 20862% 20863Gordon's first law: 20864 If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing 20865 well. 20866% 20867Gordon's Law: 20868 If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased. 20869% 20870Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with 20871time travel, you never can tell. 20872 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who: Androids of Tara" 20873% 20874Gossip, n.: 20875 Hearing something you like about someone you don't. 20876 -- Earl Wilson 20877% 20878//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH 20879% 20880Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service? 20881Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number": 20882 20883 1-800-AUDITME 20884% 20885Got a dictionary? I want to know the meaning of life. 20886% 20887Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack, 20888I went out for a ride and never came back. 20889Like a river that don't know where it's flowing, 20890I took a wrong turn and I just kept going. 20891 20892 Everybody's got a hungry heart. 20893 Everybody's got a hungry heart. 20894 Lay down your money and you play your part, 20895 Everybody's got a hungry heart. 20896 20897I met her in a Kingstown bar, 20898We fell in love, I knew it had to end. 20899We took what we had and we ripped it apart, 20900Now here I am down in Kingstown again. 20901 20902Everybody needs a place to rest, 20903Everybody wants to have a home. 20904Don't make no difference what nobody says, 20905Ain't nobody likes to be alone. 20906 -- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart" 20907% 20908Got Mole problems? 20909Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23. 20910% 20911Goto, n.: 20912 A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers 20913 to complain about unstructured programmers. 20914 -- Ray Simard 20915% 20916Gourmet, n.: 20917 Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or 20918 revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're 20919 leaving the best part. 20920% 20921Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it. 20922 -- Lao Tsu 20923% 20924Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage. 20925 -- John Updike, "Couples" 20926% 20927Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are 20928different lies. 20929% 20930Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any 20931more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't 20932know much. 20933 -- The Best of Will Rogers 20934% 20935Government's Law: 20936 There is an exception to all laws. 20937% 20938Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's 20939leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on 20940board. 20941 -- Princess Leia Organa 20942% 20943Grabel's Law: 20944 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2. 20945% 20946Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture. 20947% 20948Graduate students and most professors are 20949no smarter than undergrads. They're just older. 20950% 20951Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine. When he awoke 20952he exclaimed: 20953 "I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine, 20954 or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!" 20955 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 20956% 20957Grandpa Charnock's Law: 20958 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 20959 20960 [I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.] 20961% 20962Graphics blind the eyes. 20963Audio files deafen the ear. 20964Mouse clicks numb the fingers. 20965Heuristics weaken the mind. 20966Options wither the heart. 20967 20968The Guru observes the net 20969but trusts his inner vision. 20970He allows things to come and go. 20971His heart is as open as the ether. 20972% 20973GRASSHOPPOTAMUS: 20974 A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once. 20975% 20976Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion. 20977 -- Joseph Alsop 20978% 20979GRAVITY: 20980 What you get when you eat too much and too fast. 20981% 20982Gravity brings me down. 20983% 20984Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. 20985% 20986Gray's Law of Programming: 20987 'n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be 20988 accomplished in the same time as 'n' tasks. 20989 20990Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: 20991 'n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as 'n' trivial tasks. 20992% 20993Great acts are made up of small deeds. 20994 -- Lao Tsu 20995% 20996Great American Axiom: 20997 Some is good, more is better, too much is just right. 20998% 20999Great minds run in great circles. 21000% 21001GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17): 21002 21003On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his 21004place of residence. 21005% 21006GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): April 2, 1751 21007 21008Isaac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs. 21009% 21010GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): November 23, 1915 21011 21012Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup. 21013% 21014Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. 21015 -- Albert Einstein 21016 21017They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they 21018also laughed at Bozo the Clown. 21019 -- Carl Sagan 21020% 21021Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent. 21022% 21023Green light in A.M. for new projects. 21024Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets. 21025% 21026Greener's Law: 21027 Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. 21028% 21029Green's Law of Debate: 21030Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about. 21031% 21032Greenspun's Tenth Rule of Programming: 21033 Any sufficiently complicated C or Fortran program contains 21034 an ad hoc informally-specified bug-ridden slow implementation 21035 of half of Common Lisp. 21036% 21037Grelb's Reminder: 21038 Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above 21039average drivers. 21040% 21041grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines. 21042% 21043Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full 21044value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with. 21045 -- Mark Twain 21046% 21047Griffin's Thought: 21048 When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. 21049% 21050Grig (the navigator): 21051 ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space 21052 armada. 21053Alex (the gunner): 21054 What?!? 21055Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against 21056 overwhelming odds. 21057Alex: It'll be a slaughter! 21058Grig: That's the spirit! 21059 -- The Last Starfighter 21060% 21061Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity: 21062 At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today. 21063% 21064Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the 21065groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mudslide. 21066 -- Johnny Carson 21067% 21068Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives. 21069 -- Maurice Chevalier 21070% 21071Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good 21072reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one. Its traditional 21073concerns are all pubescent. Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere, 21074disguised. Aliens have tentacles. Telepathy allows you to have sex without 21075any nasty inconvenience of touching. Womblike spaceships provide balanced 21076meals. No one ever has to grow old -- body parts are replaceable, like 21077Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot. As for the 21078adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively 21079authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public 21080television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests. The most popular 21081sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by 21082combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the 21083universe while straddling a giant worm. 21084 -- Arnold Klein 21085% 21086Grub first, then ethics. 21087 -- Bertolt Brecht 21088% 21089GUILLOTINE: 21090 A French chopping center. 21091% 21092Gumperson's Law: 21093 The probability of a given event 21094 occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability. 21095% 21096Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people. 21097% 21098Gunter's Airborne Discoveries: 21099 (1) When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft, 21100 the aircraft will encounter turbulence. 21101 (2) The strength of the turbulence 21102 is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee. 21103% 21104Gurmlish, n.: 21105 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents 21106 the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth. 21107 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 21108% 21109GURU: 21110 A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with 21111 a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the 21112 phone call you are about to receive from your boss. 21113% 21114Guru, n.: 21115 A computer owner who can read the manual. 21116% 21117Gyroscope, n.: 21118 A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also 21119free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each 21120other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two 21121mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the 21122other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus 21123offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any 21124torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin. 21125 -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary 21126% 21127H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you, 21128 Slice him up before he slays you. 21129 Nothing makes you look a slob 21130 Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB). 21131 -- The Roguelet's ABC 21132% 21133H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L. 21134Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude. 21135 -- Maxwell Bodenheim 21136% 21137H. L. Mencken's Law: 21138 Those who can -- do. 21139 Those who can't -- teach. 21140 21141Martin's Extension: 21142 Those who cannot teach -- administrate. 21143 21144 [No, those who can't teach, teach here. Ed.] 21145% 21146Hacker, n.: 21147 Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate 21148things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the mythical 21149philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, "hack". 21150 In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body 21151of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather in 21152a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by candlelight, 21153and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending the following ditty: 21154 21155 Hacker's Fight Song 21156 21157 He's a Hack! He's a Hack! 21158 He's a guy with the happy knack! 21159 Never bungles, never shirks, 21160 Always gets his stuff to work! 21161 21162All take a drink (important!) 21163% 21164Hackers are just a migratory life form with a tropism for computers. 21165% 21166Hacker's Guide To Cooking: 211672 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't 21168 really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.) 211691 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty 21170 strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure) 211711/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too) 211728 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you 21173 can squirt all over your friends and lick off...) 21174"Blend all together until creamy with no lumps." This is where you get to 21175 join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through 21176 merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy 21177 and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it. Try an electric 21178 beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off 21179 the ceiling(3m). 21180"Pour into a graham cracker crust..." Aha, the BUGS section at last. You 21181 just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right? 21182 If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent 21183 GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter. 21184"...and refrigerate for an hour." Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge 21185 for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and 21186 by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin. 21187% 21188Hacker's Law: 21189 The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a 21190nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. 21191% 21192Hackers of the world, unite! 21193% 21194Hacker's Quicky #313: 21195 Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips 21196 Microwave Egg Roll 21197 Chocolate Milk 21198% 21199Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge. 21200% 21201Had he and I but met 21202By some old ancient inn, But ranged as infantry, 21203We should have sat us down to wet And staring face to face, 21204Right many a nipperkin! I shot at him as he at me, 21205 And killed him in his place. 21206I shot him dead because -- 21207Because he was my foe, He thought he'd 'list, perhaps, 21208Just so: my foe of course he was; Off-hand-like -- just as I -- 21209That's clear enough; although Was out of work -- had sold his traps 21210 No other reason why. 21211Yes; quaint and curious war is! 21212You shoot a fellow down 21213You'd treat, if met where any bar is 21214Or help to half-a-crown. 21215 -- Thomas Hardy 21216% 21217Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some 21218useful hints for the better ordering of the universe. 21219 -- Alfonso the Wise 21220 21221 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 21222 referring to operating system initialization.] 21223% 21224Had this been an actual emergency, we would have 21225fled in terror, and you would not have been informed. 21226% 21227Hail to the sun god 21228He's such a fun god 21229Ra! Ra! Ra! 21230% 21231Hailing frequencies open, Captain. 21232% 21233Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big 21234enough majority in any town? 21235 -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn" 21236% 21237Hale Mail Rule, The: 21238 When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least 21239 one of the following: 21240 (a) A pen or pencil or typewriter. 21241 (b) Stationery. 21242 (c) Postage stamp. 21243 (d) The letter you are answering. 21244% 21245Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be. 21246But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity. See? 21247But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee, 21248When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury? 21249% 21250Half Moon tonight. (At least it is better than no Moon at all.) 21251% 21252Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. 21253% 21254Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, 21255and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it. 21256% 21257Half-done, n.: 21258 This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still 21259crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference 21260between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like 21261the difference between life and death. 21262 You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill 21263there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the 21264airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough 21265Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on 21266Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk 21267about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the 21268man, "Let me have a nice half-done." 21269 Worth the trouble, wasn't it? 21270 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 21271% 21272Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank. 21273% 21274Hall's Laws of Politics: 21275 (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. 21276 (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something 21277 fixed. 21278 (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend 21279 military spending, and conservatives social spending in 21280 their own districts). 21281% 21282Hand, n.: 21283 A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and 21284 commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. 21285 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 21286% 21287Handel's Proverb: 21288 You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women! 21289% 21290Handshaking protocol, n.: 21291 A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initiate a 21292 terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by 21293 occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling. 21294% 21295Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way. 21296 -- Pink Floyd 21297% 21298Hangover, n.: 21299 The wrath of grapes. 21300% 21301Hanlon's Razor: 21302 Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by 21303stupidity. 21304% 21305Hanson's Treatment of Time: 21306 There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days 21307before Saturday. 21308% 21309Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others. 21310% 21311Happiness is a hard disk. 21312% 21313Happiness is a positive cash flow. 21314% 21315Happiness is good health and a bad memory. 21316 -- Ingrid Bergman 21317% 21318Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. 21319 -- Ogden Nash 21320% 21321Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion. 21322% 21323Happiness is the greatest good. 21324% 21325Happiness is twin floppies. 21326% 21327Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have. 21328% 21329Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. 21330 -- Oscar Levant 21331% 21332Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length. 21333% 21334Happiness, n.: 21335 An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of 21336 another. 21337 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 21338% 21339Happiness, n.: 21340 Finding the owner of a lost bikini. 21341% 21342Happy feast of the pig! 21343% 21344Happy is the child whose father died rich. 21345% 21346Hard, adj.: 21347 The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those 21348 of other people. 21349% 21350Hard reality has a way of cramping your style. 21351 -- Daniel Dennett 21352% 21353Hard work may not kill you, but why take the chance? 21354% 21355Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? 21356 -- Charlie McCarthy 21357% 21358Hardware, n.: 21359 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. 21360% 21361Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark 21362The Duke is fond of kittens 21363He likes to take their insides out 21364And use them for his mittens 21365 -- "The 13 Clocks" 21366% 21367Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, 21368Advertising wondrous things. 21369 -- Tom Lehrer 21370% 21371Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand 21372convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want. 21373 -- Tobias Smollet 21374% 21375Harp not on that string. 21376 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 21377% 21378Harriet's Dining Observation: 21379 In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats 21380 increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread. 21381% 21382Harris had the beefstead pie between his knees, and was carving it, and George 21383and I were waiting with our plates ready. 21384 "Have you got a spoon there?" says Harris; "I want a spoon to help 21385the gravy with." 21386 The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to 21387reach one out. We were not five seconds getting it. When we looked round 21388again, Harris and the pie were gone! 21389 It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for 21390hundreds of yards. He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were 21391on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it. 21392 George and I gazed all about. Then we gazed at each other. 21393 "Has he been snatched up to heaven?" I queried. 21394 "They'd hardly have taken the pie, too," said George. 21395 There seemed weight in this objection, and we discarded the heavenly 21396theory. 21397 "I suppose the truth of the matter is," suggested George, descending 21398to the commonplace and practicable, "that there has been an earthquake." 21399 And then he added, with a touch of sadness in his voice: "I wish he 21400hadn't been carving that pie." 21401 -- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A Boat" 21402% 21403Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: 21404 Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment ruined. 21405% 21406Harrison's Postulate: 21407For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. 21408% 21409Harris's Lament: 21410 All the good ones are taken. 21411% 21412Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game. The game, as 21413always, was close. They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that 21414required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green. There 21415were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50 21416feet beyond it. Harry went first. He carefully addressed the ball and hit 21417a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the 21418pond. Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral 21419procession along the road just behind the green. Fred put down his club, 21420took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass. As soon as 21421the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball 21422again. Harry said, "Damn, Fred. That was a really nice thing you did, 21423waiting for the funeral to pass like that." 21424 Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball. It 21425was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole. "It's the least I 21426could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years, 21427you know." 21428% 21429Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he 21430makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean 21431famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses 21432probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you 21433have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like 21434enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their 21435attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock 21436down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law, 21437just like Richard Nixon." 21438 -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob" 21439% 21440Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it with 21441milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the 21442sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do 21443with all that pep and vitality. 21444% 21445Hartley's First Law: 21446 You can lead a horse to water, but if you can 21447 get him to float on his back, you've got something. 21448% 21449Hartley's Second Law: 21450 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 21451 21452My corollary: 21453 The completely psychotic have all the fun. 21454% 21455Harvard Law: 21456 Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, 21457 temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the 21458 organism will do as it damn well pleases. 21459% 21460HARVARD: 21461Quarterback: 21462 Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, with 21463a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinski 21464has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed 21465has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league. 21466Wide Receiver: 21467 The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior 21468Phil Yip, who is very fast. Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being 21469fast. Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five 21470or six times, his average for a game. Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you 21471asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of 21472those times. 21473YALE: 21474Defense: 21475 On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies. 21476Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron 21477Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history. Also contributing to 21478the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds 21479out the offensive ethnic joke. Look for these three to shut down the opening 21480coin toss. 21481 -- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game 21482% 21483Has anyone ever tasted an "end"? Are they really bitter? 21484% 21485Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are 21486typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter 21487keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use 21488of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is 21489not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears. 21490% 21491Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it 21492appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down, 21493and its salient virtuosi a gang of unmitigated scoundrels? Then let us 21494not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickle the midriff, its 21495incomparable services as a maker of entertainment. 21496 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe" 21497% 21498Haste makes waste. 21499 -- John Heywood 21500% 21501Hatcheck girl: 21502 "Goodness! What lovely diamonds!" 21503Mae West: 21504 "Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie." 21505 -- "Night After Night", 1932 21506% 21507Hate is like acid. It can damage the vessel in which it is 21508stored as well as destroy the object on which it is poured. 21509% 21510Hate the sin and love the sinner. 21511 -- Mahatma Gandhi 21512% 21513Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, 21514unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax. 21515 -- Mike Royko 21516% 21517Hatred, n.: 21518 A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's 21519 superiority. 21520 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 21521% 21522Have a coke and a smile! 21523 -- John DeLorean 21524% 21525Have a nice day! 21526% 21527Have a nice diurnal anomaly. 21528% 21529Have a place for everything and keep the thing 21530somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom. 21531 -- Mark Twain 21532% 21533Have a taco. 21534 -- P. S. Beagle 21535% 21536Have an adequate day. 21537% 21538Have at you! 21539% 21540Have no friends not equal to yourself. 21541 -- Confucius 21542% 21543Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is 21544to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a 21545non-cynical, or even an informative cookie? 21546 21547Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This 21548still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or 21549only serves to blunt the warning signs. 21550 21551 Long live the revolution! 21552 Have a nice day. 21553% 21554Have the courage to take your own thoughts 21555seriously, for they will shape you. 21556 -- Albert Einstein 21557% 21558Have you ever felt like a wounded cow 21559halfway between an oven and a pasture? 21560walking in a trance toward a pregnant 21561 seventeen-year-old housewife's 21562 two-day-old cookbook? 21563 -- Richard Brautigan 21564% 21565Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned? 21566 21567Well, I haven't. I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me, 21568she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and 21569whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical. 21570So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to 21571remain so. 21572 -- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady" 21573% 21574Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell 21575you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time 21576for play? 21577% 21578Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs, 21579I mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container 21580filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite 21581sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in 21582their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or 21583mass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything, which is why 21584they are able to produce "Laverne and Shirley" week after week. 21585 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 21586% 21587Have you flogged your kid today? 21588% 21589Have you locked your file cabinet? 21590% 21591Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a 21592crack in your sidewalk? 21593% 21594Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline 21595sharply the minute they start waving guns around? 21596 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who" 21597% 21598Have you reconsidered a computer career? 21599% 21600Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so fast it can 21601photograph an American with his mouth shut! 21602% 21603Have you seen the old man in the closed down market, 21604Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes? 21605In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side 21606Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news. 21607 21608How can you tell me you're lonely, 21609And say for you the sun don't shine? 21610Let me take you by the hand 21611Lead you through the streets of London 21612I'll show you something to make you change your mind... 21613 21614Have you seen the old man outside the sea-mans mission 21615Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears. 21616In our winter city the rain cries a little pity 21617For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care... 21618% 21619Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue? 21620On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air, 21621High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars, 21622Spending every dime, for a wonderful time... 21623If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, 21624Why don't you go where fashion sits, 21625... 21626Dressed up like a million dollar trooper, 21627Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper) 21628Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks, 21629Or umbrellas, in their mitts, 21630Puttin' on the Ritz. 21631... 21632If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, 21633Why don't you go where fashion sits, 21634Puttin' on the Ritz. 21635Puttin' on the Ritz. 21636Puttin' on the Ritz. 21637Puttin' on the Ritz. 21638% 21639Having a baby isn't so bad. If you're a female Emperor penguin 21640in the Antarctic. She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father, 21641then takes off for warmer weather where she eats and eats and 21642eats. For two months, the father stands stiff, without food, 21643blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing the egg on his feet. After 21644the little penguin is hatched, the mother sees fit to come home. 21645 -- L. M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman" 21646% 21647Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer. 21648% 21649Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. 21650 -- Martin Mull 21651% 21652Having no talent is no longer enough. 21653 -- Gore Vidal 21654% 21655Having nothing, nothing can he lose. 21656 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 21657% 21658Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods. 21659 -- Socrates 21660% 21661Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly 21662relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with 21663the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar. 21664 "At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big 21665dog, too!" 21666% 21667Hawkeye's Conclusion: 21668 It's not easy to play the clown 21669 when you've got to run the whole circus. 21670% 21671He: Do you like Kipling? 21672She: Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know! I've never kippled! 21673% 21674He: "If I made love to you, would you yell?" 21675She: "What do you want me to yell?" 21676 -- Benny Hill 21677% 21678HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. 21679SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains. 21680 -- Walt Kelley 21681% 21682He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now. 21683 -- Steven Wright 21684% 21685He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental 21686effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable 21687perversion. 21688 -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails" 21689% 21690He didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with all 21691the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home." 21692 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" 21693% 21694He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural. 21695 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night" 21696% 21697He draweth out the thread of his verbosity 21698finer than the staple of his argument. 21699 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 21700% 21701He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions. 21702 -- Stephen Leacock 21703% 21704He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle. 21705% 21706He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation 21707perfectly delightful. 21708 -- Sydney Smith 21709% 21710He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and 21711heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope 21712of ever behaving "normally." 21713 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" 21714% 21715He hadn't a single redeeming vice. 21716 -- Oscar Wilde 21717% 21718He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer, 21719Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude". 21720 -- Stig's Inferno 21721% 21722He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him. 21723 -- Bion 21724% 21725He hath eaten me out of house and home. 21726 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 21727% 21728He heard the snick of a rifle bolt and found himself peering down the muzzle 21729of a weapon held by a drunken liquor store owner -- "There's a conflict," he 21730said, "there's a conflict between land and people... the people have to go..." 21731 -- Stan Ridgeway, "Call of the West" 21732% 21733He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey. 21734 -- John LeCarre 21735% 21736He is considered a most graceful speaker 21737who can say nothing in the most words. 21738% 21739He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides. 21740% 21741He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others. 21742 -- Samuel Johnson 21743% 21744He is now rising from affluence to poverty. 21745 -- Mark Twain 21746% 21747He is the best of men who dislikes power. 21748 -- Mohammed 21749% 21750He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap. 21751% 21752He jests at scars who never felt a wound. 21753 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2" 21754% 21755He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent. 21756% 21757He knew the tavernes well in every toun. 21758 -- Geoffrey Chaucer 21759% 21760He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow. 21761 -- Sir Richard Burton 21762% 21763He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told, 21764once when it's explained, and once when he understands it. 21765% 21766He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered. 21767 -- Ring Lardner 21768% 21769He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue. 21770 -- Andrew Lang 21771% 21772He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain 21773had fallen to the ground. 21774 -- The Book of Serenity 21775% 21776(He opens a tolm and begins.) 21777 21778 It says: "In the beginning was the Word." 21779 Already I am stopped. It seems absurd. 21780 The Word does not deserve the highest prize, 21781 I must translate it otherwise. 21782 If I am well inspired and not blind. 21783 It says: "In the beginning was the Mind." 21784 Ponder that first line, wait and see, 21785 Lest you should write too hastily. 21786 Is the Mind the all-creating source? 21787 It ought to say: "In the beginning there was Force." 21788 Yet something warns me as I grasp the pen, 21789 That my translation must be changed again. 21790 The spirit helps me. Now it is exact. 21791 I write: "In the beginning was the Act." 21792 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, "Faust" 21793% 21794[He] played the King as if afraid someone else might play the ace. 21795 -- Unattributed review of a performance of King Lear 21796 21797My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked. 21798 -- Peter Stack, movie review 21799 21800His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge. 21801 -- John Stark, movie review 21802% 21803He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace. 21804 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic 21805% 21806He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick, 21807And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. 21808 -- Ogden Nash, on the perfect husband 21809% 21810He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom. 21811 -- J. R. R. Tolkien 21812% 21813He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open. 21814 -- Scottish proverb 21815% 21816He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book. 21817 -- Benjamin Franklin 21818% 21819He that is giddy thinks the world turns round. 21820 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" 21821% 21822He that teaches himself has a fool for a master. 21823 -- Benjamin Franklin 21824% 21825He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself. 21826% 21827He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived. 21828 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda" 21829% 21830He thought he saw an albatross 21831That fluttered 'round the lamp. 21832He looked again and saw it was 21833A penny postage stamp. 21834"You'd best be getting home," he said, 21835"The nights are rather damp." 21836% 21837He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than 21838three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked. 21839In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by 21840slashing his abdomen with a knife. Just as the pupil was about to comply, 21841the Master stayed his hand, saying, "That is the 'Body of a rock'." 21842 -- Eric Van Lustbader 21843% 21844[He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had 21845a complete set. 21846 -- Ring Lardner 21847% 21848He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose. 21849% 21850He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he 21851made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she 21852disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to 21853dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he 21854told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun." 21855 -- Jack Handey 21856% 21857He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue. 21858 -- Jonathan Swift 21859% 21860He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him 21861insufferable. 21862% 21863He was part of my dream, of course -- 21864but then I was part of his dream too. 21865 -- Lewis Carroll, 21866 "Through the Looking-Glass, 21867 and What Alice Found There" (1871) 21868% 21869He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both eyes. 21870% 21871He was the sort of person whose personality 21872would be greatly improved by a terminal illness. 21873% 21874He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut. 21875% 21876He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry 21877attacks democracy itself. 21878 -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS 21879% 21880He who dares the wrong, acts right, that's how it happens! 21881 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 21882% 21883He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for 21884the human condition is a fool. 21885 -- Albert Camus 21886% 21887He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser. 21888 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 21889% 21890He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool. 21891 -- Honore de Balzac 21892% 21893He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside. 21894 -- Sinbad 21895% 21896He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day. 21897% 21898He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over. 21899% 21900He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last. 21901% 21902He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet. 21903% 21904He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet. 21905% 21906He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much 21907a master of the world as he who is ready to die. 21908 -- Giacomo Leopardi 21909% 21910He who hates vices hates mankind. 21911% 21912He who hesitates is a damned fool. 21913 -- Mae West 21914% 21915He who hesitates is last. 21916% 21917He who hesitates is sometimes saved. 21918% 21919He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day. 21920% 21921He who invents adages for others to peruse 21922takes along rowboat when going on cruise. 21923% 21924He who is content with his lot probably has a lot. 21925% 21926He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist. 21927% 21928He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else. 21929% 21930He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won't 21931encounter many rivals. 21932 -- Georg Lichtenberg, "Aphorisms" 21933% 21934He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the 21935night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his 21936senses until the day of judgment. 21937 -- Saadi 21938% 21939He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon. 21940% 21941He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know. 21942 -- Lao Tsu 21943% 21944He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant. Teach him. 21945He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Shun him. 21946He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep. Wake him. 21947% 21948He who knows nothing, knows nothing. 21949But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. 21950And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing, 21951 he knows something. Or something like that. 21952% 21953He who knows others is wise. 21954He who knows himself is enlightened. 21955 -- Lao Tsu 21956% 21957He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough. 21958 -- Lao Tsu 21959% 21960He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news. 21961 -- Bertolt Brecht 21962% 21963He who laughs last -- missed the punch line. 21964% 21965He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth. 21966% 21967He who laughs last is probably your boss. 21968% 21969He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained. 21970% 21971He who laughs, lasts. 21972% 21973He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes. 21974% 21975He who loses, wins the race, 21976And parallel lines meet in space. 21977 -- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth" 21978% 21979He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man. 21980 -- Dr. Johnson 21981% 21982He who minds his own business is never unemployed. 21983% 21984He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will 21985be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known. 21986 -- Sir Richard Burton 21987% 21988He who slings mud generally loses ground. 21989 -- Adlai E. Stevenson 21990% 21991He who slings mud loses ground. 21992 -- Chinese proverb 21993% 21994He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT. 21995% 21996He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance. 21997% 21998He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned. 21999 -- Sinbad 22000% 22001He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder. 22002 -- M. C. Escher 22003% 22004He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion 22005on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general 22006education and culture. 22007 -- Julia Norton McCorkle 22008% 22009HEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!! 22010Details at 11. 22011% 22012Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 22013% 22014Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying 22015of nothing. 22016 -- Redd Foxx 22017% 22018Hear about... 22019 the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and 22020 started chiseling on his wife? 22021% 22022Hear about... 22023 the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus? 22024 Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe. 22025% 22026Hear about... 22027 the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she 22028 would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea? 22029% 22030Hear about... 22031 the female activist who went berserk during a demonstration and 22032 attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly weapon. She ended 22033 up a chopped libber? 22034% 22035Hear about... 22036 the guru who refused Novocaine while having a tooth pulled because 22037 he wanted to transcend dental medication? 22038% 22039Hear about... 22040 the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings 22041 that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This 22042 Space"? 22043% 22044Hear about... 22045 the wild office Christmas party in a completely automated 22046 company -- the photocopier got drunk and tried to undo the 22047 typewriter's ribbon? 22048% 22049Hear about... 22050 the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery? 22051 One fortunate cookie... 22052% 22053Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad. 22054From where the sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever. 22055 -- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce 22056% 22057Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several 22058Guernsey cows? It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world. 22059% 22060Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable. 22061 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz" 22062% 22063Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant, 22064on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning. 22065 -- Dr. John Lightfoot, 22066 Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University 22067% 22068Heaven, n.: 22069 A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of 22070their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you 22071expound your own. 22072 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 22073% 22074Heavier than air flying machines are impossible. 22075 -- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895 22076% 22077Heavy, adj.: 22078 Seduced by the chocolate side of the force. 22079% 22080Hedonist for hire... no job too easy! 22081% 22082Heisenberg may have been here. 22083% 22084Heisenberg may have slept here. 22085% 22086Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. 22087 -- Milton Friedman 22088% 22089Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place, 22090for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be. 22091 -- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus" 22092% 22093Hell, if you don't try to remake someone, 22094how are they supposed to know you care? 22095% 22096Hell is empty and all the devils are here. 22097 -- William Shakespeare, "The Tempest" 22098% 22099Hell, n.: 22100 Truth seen too late. 22101% 22102Heller's Law: 22103 The first myth of management is that it exists. 22104 22105Johnson's Corollary: 22106 Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the 22107organization. 22108% 22109Hello. Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will you 22110please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you. 22111Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 22112% 22113Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a 22114date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see? 22115And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so 22116you set off across the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right 22117smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you 22118don't hear your girl screaming any more? 22119 22120 Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high! 22121 You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off! 22122 You'll never give up, never give up, never give up -- that ship! 22123% 22124"Hello," he lied. 22125 -- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent 22126% 22127Hell's broken loose. 22128 -- Robert Greene 22129% 22130Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory! 22131% 22132Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70! 22133% 22134HELP! Man trapped in a human body! 22135% 22136HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! 22137 -- E. E. CUMMINGS 22138% 22139Help a swallow land at Capistrano. 22140% 22141Help fight continental drift. 22142% 22143HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/share/games/fortune! 22144% 22145Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file! 22146% 22147Help stamp out and abolish redundancy! 22148% 22149Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants! 22150% 22151Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without 22152getting on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering 22153her ways; wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or 22154regularity; dissatisfied with her servants, without skill to make 22155them better, and whether helping, or reprimanding, or indulging 22156them, without any power of engaging their respect. 22157 -- J. Austen 22158% 22159Her locks an ancient lady gave 22160Her loving husband's life to save; 22161And men -- they honored so the dame -- 22162Upon some stars bestowed her name. 22163 22164But to our modern married fair, 22165Who'd give their lords to save their hair, 22166No stellar recognition's given. 22167There are not stars enough in heaven. 22168% 22169Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; 22170from Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth... 22171% 22172Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason. 22173% 22174Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be 22175I've been caught inside this trap too many times 22176I must've walked these steps and said these words a 22177 thousand times before 22178It seems like I know everybody's lines. 22179 -- David Bromberg, "How Late'll You Play 'Til?" 22180% 22181Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when 22182I grow up. 22183 -- Peter Drucker 22184% 22185Here I sit, broken-hearted, 22186All logged in, but work unstarted. 22187First net.this and net.that, 22188And a hot buttered bun for net.fat. 22189 22190The boss comes by, and I play the game, 22191Then I turn back to net.flame. 22192Is there a cure (I need your views), 22193For someone trapped in net.news? 22194 22195I need your help, I say 'tween sobs, 22196'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs. 22197% 22198Here in my heart, I am Helen; 22199 I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least. 22200I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Stael; 22201 I'm Salome, moon of the East. 22202 22203Here in my soul I am Sappho; 22204 Lady Hamilton am I, as well. 22205In me Recamier vies with Kitty O'Shea, 22206 With Dido, and Eve, and poor Nell. 22207 22208I'm all of the glamorous ladies 22209 At whose beckoning history shook. 22210But you are a man, and see only my pan, 22211 So I stay at home with a book. 22212 -- Dorothy Parker 22213% 22214Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical 22215lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach 22216your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. 22217Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in 22218pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, 22219but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an 22220important electrical lesson. 22221 22222It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed 22223your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small 22224objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will 22225attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and 22226collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your 22227friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the 22228carpet, thus completing the circuit. 22229 22230Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without 22231touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your 22232finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you 22233have carpeting. 22234 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 22235% 22236Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: 22237if you're alive, it isn't. 22238% 22239Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the month. According 22240to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people are experiencing severe 22241marketing anxiety in China. 22242 22243The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either (depending on the 22244inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax tadpole". 22245 22246Bite the wax tadpole. There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? 22247 22248The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's hard to get 22249a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to bite a wax 22250tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, but broad 22251satiric vistas do not open up. 22252 -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle 22253% 22254HERE LIES LESTER MOORE 22255SHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44 22256NO LES 22257NO MOORE 22258 -- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZ 22259% 22260Here lies my wife: her let her lie! 22261Now she's at rest, and so am I. 22262 -- John Dryden, epitaph intended for his wife 22263% 22264Here there by tygers. 22265% 22266HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake. Straddle a big crack in 22267the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms 22268around as if you're going to fall. 22269 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 22270% 22271Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline 22272like `Psychic Wins Lottery'? 22273 -- Jay Leno 22274% 22275Herth's Law: 22276 He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck. 22277% 22278He's been like a father to me, 22279He's the only DJ you can get after three, 22280I'm an all-night musician in a rock and roll band, 22281And why he don't like me I don't understand. 22282 -- The Byrds 22283% 22284He's dead, Jim. 22285% 22286He's got the heart of a little child, 22287and he keeps it in a jar on his desk. 22288% 22289He's just a politician trying to save both his faces... 22290% 22291He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows. 22292% 22293He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of 22294his opinion. It's up to you to cast it into a void or not. 22295 -- Phil Lapsley 22296% 22297He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be 22298there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter. 22299% 22300He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is. 22301% 22302Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs, 22303then they'd be algorithms. 22304% 22305Hewett's Observation: 22306 The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or 22307 her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of 22308 peers similarly engaged. 22309% 22310Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??! 22311 -- W. C. Fields 22312% 22313Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl 22314To get a little more stack; 22315If that's not enough then you lose it all 22316And have to pop all the way back. 22317% 22318Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat. You said you were 22319gonna call and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number? 22320% 22321HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS: 22322 Be sure it's true, when you say "I love you". It's a sin to 22323 tell a lie. Millions of hearts have been broken, just because 22324 these words were spoken. 22325% 22326Hey, what do you expect from a culture that 22327*drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*? 22328 -- Gallagher 22329% 22330Hi! I'm Larry. This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother 22331Jimbo. We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants. 22332% 22333Hi! You have reached 962-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and 22334the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible. Please 22335leave your name and message after the beep... 22336% 22337Hi! How are things going? 22338 (just fine, thank you...) 22339Great! Say, could I bother you for a question? 22340 (you just asked one...) 22341Well, how about one more? 22342 (one more than the first one?) 22343Yes. 22344 (you already asked that...) 22345[at this point, Alphonso gets smart... ] 22346May I ask two questions, sir? 22347 (no.) 22348May I ask ONE then? 22349 (nope...) 22350Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question? 22351 (yes, you may.) 22352Sir, how may I ask you a question? 22353 (you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for 22354 the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that 22355 number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the 22356 next one) 22357Sir, may I ask nine questions? 22358 (go right ahead...) 22359% 22360Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. 22361As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of 22362equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. 22363Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you 22364probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of 22365course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my 22366experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out 22367of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser. 22368 22369Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our 22370motto is: "It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain." 22371 -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering" 22372% 22373Hi Jimbo. Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax. 22374You wanna help on the audit now? 22375% 22376Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person 22377reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes, 22378nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home. 22379% 22380Hickery Dickery Dock, 22381The mice ran up the clock, 22382The clock struck one, 22383The others escaped with minor injuries. 22384% 22385Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse? 22386 22387 WE CAN HELP! 22388 22389Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment. 22390% 22391Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich; 22392Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich. 22393Wir haben ihn ins Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws 22394Weil es uns duenkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head; 22395 We buried him today because 22396 As far as we can tell, he's dead. 22397 -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty 22398 Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher; 22399 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter 22400 Schickele 22401% 22402Higgledy Piggledy, 22403Hamlet of Elsinore 22404Ruffled the critics by dropping this bomb: 22405"Phooey on Freud and his Psychoanalysis -- 22406Oedipus, Shmoedipus, I just loved Mom." 22407% 22408Higgins: Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue. 22409Doolittle: A little of both, Guv'nor. Like the rest of us, a 22410 little of both. 22411 -- Shaw, "Pygmalion" 22412% 22413High heels are a device invented by a woman 22414who was tired of being kissed on the forehead. 22415% 22416High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven: 22417Bro. Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high 22418 saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it 22419 smash our enemies to tiny bits." And the Lord did grin, and the 22420 people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and 22421 breakfast cereals, and lima bean- 22422High Priest: Skip a bit, brother. 22423Bro. Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take 22424 out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less. 22425 *Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the 22426 counting shall be three. *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither 22427 count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three. Five is 22428 RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third number be reached, 22429 then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being 22430 naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Amen. 22431All: Amen. 22432 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade" 22433% 22434HIGH TECHNOLOGY: 22435 A California innovation composed 22436 of equal parts of silicon and marijuana. 22437% 22438Higher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor. 22439% 22440Hildebrant's Principle: 22441 If you don't know where you are going, 22442 any road will get you there. 22443% 22444Him: "Your skin is so soft. Are you a model?" 22445Her: "No," [blush] "I'm a cosmetologist." 22446Him: "Really? That's incredible... 22447 It must be very tough to handle weightlessness." 22448 -- "The Jerk" 22449% 22450Hindsight is always 20:20. 22451 -- Billy Wilder 22452% 22453Hippogriff, n.: 22454 An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. 22455The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. 22456The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which 22457is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full 22458of surprises. 22459 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 22460% 22461Hire the morally handicapped. 22462% 22463His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob 22464a lady of her fortune by way of marriage. 22465 -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones" 22466% 22467...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest. 22468 -- Tommy 22469% 22470His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling 22471outside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew... 22472% 22473His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred 22474to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never 22475claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum- 22476stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit. 22477Silence, though, could. It was in the days of the rains that their prayers 22478went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of 22479prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri, 22480goddess of the Night. The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through 22481the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the 22482Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze 22483rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday. 22484Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique... 22485 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light" 22486% 22487His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had 22488money, he went to Southern California. 22489% 22490His heart was yours from the first moment that you met. 22491% 22492His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water. 22493 -- P. G. Wodehouse 22494% 22495His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler. 22496% 22497His mind is like a steel trap: full of mice. 22498 -- Foghorn Leghorn 22499% 22500His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier. 22501% 22502Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer 22503of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that 22504continues to this day. 22505 -- Wayne Shannon 22506% 22507History books which contain no lies are extremely dull. 22508% 22509History has much to say on following the proper procedures. From a history 22510of the Mexican revolution: 22511 22512 "Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was 22513captured on its way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and 22514shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over to 22515the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the 22516army where he was then executed." 22517% 22518History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion -- 22519i.e. none to speak of. 22520 -- Lazarus Long 22521% 22522History is curious stuff 22523 You'd think by now we had enough 22524Yet the fact remains I fear 22525 They make more of it every year. 22526% 22527History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles, 22528cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names. 22529 -- Leo Tolstoy 22530% 22531History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians). 22532% 22533History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on. 22534 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims" 22535% 22536History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history. 22537% 22538History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second 22539time as bedroom farce. 22540% 22541History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time. 22542% 22543History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge, 22544periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them 22545asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at 22546intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another... Truly the imago 22547state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained. 22548 -- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species" 22549% 22550Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy, 22551Burn that sausage just a match or two more done. 22552Pour my black old coffee longer, 22553While that smell is gettin' stronger 22554A semi-meal ain't nuthin' much to want. 22555 22556Loan me ten, I got a feelin' it'll save me, 22557With an ornery soul who don't shoot pool for fun, 22558If that coat'll fit you're wearin', 22559The Lord'll bless your sharin' 22560A semi-friend ain't nuthin' much to want. 22561 22562And let me halfway fall in love, 22563For part of a lonely night, 22564With a semi-pretty woman in my arms. 22565Yes, I could halfway fall in deep-- 22566Into a snugglin', lovin' heap, 22567With a semi-pretty woman in my arms. 22568 -- Elroy Blunt 22569% 22570Hitchcock's Staple Principle: 22571 The stapler runs out of staples 22572 only while you are trying to staple something. 22573% 22574Hitler used methods against white men in Europe, which by tacit 22575agreement between the cultural European nations were only to be 22576used against the coloured. 22577 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 22578% 22579Hlade's Law: 22580 If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they 22581will find an easier way to do it. 22582% 22583Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents: 22584An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel. 22585 22586The exhibit includes several large conceptual works using non-traditional 22587media and found objects including old sofa-beds, used mace canisters, 22588discarded sanitary napkins and parts of freeways. The artist explores 22589our dehumanization due to high technology and unresponsive governmental 22590structures in a post-industrial world. She/he (the artist prefers to 22591remain without gender) strives to create dialogue between viewer and 22592creator, to aid us in our quest to experience contemporary life with its 22593inner-city tensions, homelessness, global warming and gender and 22594class-based stress. The works are arranged to lead us to the essence of 22595the argument: that the alienation of the person/machine boundary has 22596sapped the strength of our voices and must be destroyed for society to 22597exist in a more fundamental sense. 22598% 22599Hoare's Law of Large Problems: 22600 Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. 22601% 22602Hodie natus est radici frater. 22603% 22604Hoffer's Discovery: 22605 The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly 22606 revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual. 22607% 22608Hofstadter's Law: 22609 It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take 22610 Hofstadter's Law into account. 22611% 22612HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME -- 22613 Take a shot every time: 22614 22615-- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!" 22616-- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink. 22617-- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery. 22618-- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go). 22619-- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots 22620 if it's one of our heroes on the other end). 22621-- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front. 22622-- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and 22623 tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink). 22624-- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground. 22625-- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13. 22626-- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food). 22627-- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter. 22628-- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape. 22629-- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell". 22630-- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive). 22631-- Lebeau wears his apron. 22632-- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when the someone claims that the 22633 plan is impossible. 22634-- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel. 22635% 22636Hollerith, v.: 22637 What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth. 22638% 22639Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it. 22640 -- Rex Reed 22641% 22642Holy Dilemma! Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder? 22643Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh? 22644 22645 Tune in again tomorrow: 22646 same Bat-time, same Bat-channel! 22647% 22648HOLY MACRO! 22649% 22650Home is the place where, when you have to go there, 22651they have to take you in. 22652 -- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man" 22653% 22654Home is where the hurt is. 22655% 22656Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a 22657cage is to a cockatoo. 22658 -- George Bernard Shaw 22659% 22660Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories: 22661The ultimate in watchdog weaponry. 22662 -- Chris Shaw 22663% 22664Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat. 22665% 22666"Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor. 22667 -- Samuel Butler 22668% 22669Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty. 22670 -- Plato 22671% 22672Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. 22673% 22674Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. 22675 -- F. M. Hubbard 22676% 22677Honesty's the best policy. 22678 -- Miguel de Cervantes 22679% 22680Honeymoon, n.: 22681 A short period of doting between dating and debting. 22682 -- Ray C. Bandy 22683% 22684Honi soit la vache qui rit. 22685% 22686Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..." 22687% 22688Honk if you love peace and quiet. 22689% 22690Honorable, adj.: 22691 Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative 22692bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the 22693honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." 22694 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 22695% 22696Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper. 22697 -- Francis Bacon 22698% 22699Hope is a waking dream. 22700 -- Aristotle 22701% 22702Hope not, lest ye be disappointed. 22703 -- M. Horner 22704% 22705Hope that the day after you die is a nice day. 22706% 22707Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound. 22708 -- Peanuts 22709% 22710Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much 22711as the mediocre verses of the young man she is in love with. 22712 -- Moore 22713% 22714Horner's Five Thumb Postulate: 22715 Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. 22716% 22717Horngren's Observation: 22718 Among economists, the real world is often a special case. 22719% 22720Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces. 22721 -- Jack Benny 22722% 22723Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. 22724 -- W. C. Fields 22725% 22726HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N) 22727% 22728HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP... 22729% 22730Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they 22731had towels from my house. 22732 -- Mark Guido 22733% 22734Houdini escaping from New Jersey! 22735% 22736Household hint: 22737 If you are out of cream for your coffee, 22738 mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute. 22739% 22740Housework can kill you if done right. 22741 -- Erma Bombeck 22742% 22743Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed. 22744 -- Neil Armstrong 22745% 22746How apt the poor are to be proud. 22747 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night" 22748% 22749How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all? 22750% 22751How can you do "New Math" problems with an "Old Math" mind? 22752 -- Schulz 22753% 22754How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese? 22755 -- Charles de Gaulle 22756% 22757How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat? 22758 -- Pink Floyd 22759% 22760How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our 22761thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another 22762in the waking state? 22763 -- Plato 22764% 22765How can you think and hit at the same time? 22766 -- Yogi Berra 22767% 22768How can you work when the system's so crowded? 22769% 22770How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour? 22771% 22772How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they 22773claim they'll make you? 22774% 22775How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers? 22776% 22777How come we never talk anymore? 22778% 22779How come wrong numbers are never busy? 22780% 22781How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards 22782in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule? 22783 -- A. Cooper 22784% 22785How could they think women a recreation? 22786Or the repetition of bodies of steady interest? 22787Only the ignorant or the busy could. That elm 22788of flesh must prove a luxury of primes; 22789be perilous and dear with rain of an alternate earth. 22790Which is not to damn the forested China of touching. 22791I am neither priestly nor tired, and the great knowledge 22792of breasts with their loud nipples congregates in me. 22793The sudden nakedness, the small ribs, the mouth. 22794Splendid. Splendid. Splendid. Like Rome. Like loins. 22795A glamour sufficient to our long marvelous dying. 22796I say sufficient and speak with earned privilege, 22797for my life has been eaten in that foliate city. 22798To ambergris. But not for recreation. 22799I would not have lost so much for recreation. 22800 22801Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game 22802of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming. 22803Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness 22804have I come this far, stubborn, disastrous way. 22805But for relish of those archipelagoes of person. 22806To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow, 22807and call and call forever till she turn from bird 22808to blowing woods. From woods to jungle. Persimmon. 22809To light. From light to princess. From princess to woman 22810in all her fresh particularity of difference. 22811Then oh, through the underwater time of night 22812indecent and still, to speak to her without habit. 22813This I have done with my life, and am content. 22814I wish I could tell you how it is in that dark, 22815standing in the huge singing and the alien world. 22816 -- Jack Gilbert, "Don Giovanni on his way to Hell" 22817% 22818How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows. 22819% 22820How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? 22821 -- Elliot, "E.T." 22822% 22823How doth the little crocodile 22824 Improve his shining tail, 22825And pour the waters of the Nile 22826 On every golden scale! 22827 22828How cheerfully he seems to grin, 22829 How neatly spreads his claws, 22830And welcomes little fishes in, 22831 With gently smiling jaws! 22832 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) 22833% 22834How doth the VAX's C-compiler 22835 Improve its object code. 22836And even as we speak does it 22837 Increase the system load. 22838 22839How patiently it seems to run 22840 And spit out error flags, 22841While users, with frustration, all 22842 Tear all their clothes to rags. 22843% 22844How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to 22845journalists, and they believe what they read. 22846 -- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms" 22847% 22848How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them. 22849% 22850How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to? 22851 -- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero 22852% 22853"How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being 22854carried by a waiter at a nice party?" 22855 22856Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors 22857d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell 22858what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then 22859say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it 22860back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another 22861cheese!" and so on. 22862 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 22863% 22864How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass? 22865% 22866How many weeks are there in a light year? 22867% 22868How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to 22869Dayton? 22870 -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey 22871% 22872How much does she love you? 22873Less than you'll ever know. 22874% 22875How much for your women? I want to buy your 22876daughter... how much for the little girl? 22877 -- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers" 22878% 22879How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work? 22880% 22881How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them? 22882% 22883How often I found where I should be going 22884only by setting out for somewhere else. 22885 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 22886% 22887How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent. 22888% 22889How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?" 22890 -- Linus Van Pelt 22891% 22892How to become a sysop: 22893 I grew a beard, started wearing only t-shirts and jeans, and 22894 developed a surly attitude. The group accepted me, and I've 22895 never worked a full day in my life since then. 22896 -- rho/slashdot 22897% 22898How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children 22899 -- Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes 22900% 22901How untasteful can you get? 22902% 22903How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. 22904% 22905HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: 22906 #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces. 22907% 22908HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: 22909 #15 Your pet rock snaps at you. 22910% 22911HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: 22912 #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of 22913 you. 22914% 22915How you look depends on where you go. 22916% 22917Howe's Law: 22918 Everyone has a scheme that will not work. 22919% 22920However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional 22921manner ... sulking and nausea. 22922 -- Tom K. Ryan 22923% 22924However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There 22925is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs. 22926There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ, 22927or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. But like any 22928powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used 22929sparingly. The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are 22930not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force 22931government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree 22932with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they 22933threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both. I'm frankly sick and 22934tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen 22935that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and 22936"D." Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to 22937claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me? And I am even more 22938angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group 22939who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll 22940call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step 22941of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans 22942in the name of "conservatism." 22943 -- Senator Barry Goldwater, Congressional Record 22944% 22945HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., motion 22946that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate amendment making 22947changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. The Senate amendment 22948was an amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the House 22949amendment to the Senate amendment to the bill. The original Senate amendment 22950was the conference agreement on the bill. Agreed to. 22951 -- Albuquerque Journal 22952% 22953Hubbard's Law: 22954 Don't take life too seriously; 22955 you won't get out of it alive. 22956% 22957Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!! 22958Oh wait... 22959I'm a computer, and you're a person. It would never work out. 22960Never mind. 22961% 22962Huh? 22963% 22964Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill. 22965% 22966Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929. 22967Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating 22968table to prevent her interference, he placed a urethral catheter into 22969a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and 22970walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory 22971x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize. 22972% 22973Human kind cannot bear very much reality. 22974 -- T. S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton" 22975% 22976Human resources are human first, and resources second. 22977 -- J. Garbers 22978% 22979Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, 22980responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and 22981immature. 22982 -- Tom Robbins 22983% 22984Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough. 22985 -- Alan Kay 22986% 22987Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people. 22988 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes 22989% 22990Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs. 22991% 22992Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse. 22993 -- William Gilbert 22994% 22995Humorists always sit at the children's table. 22996 -- Woody Allen 22997% 22998"Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on 22999chatting with persons who've never existed. Such carryings-on in our peaceable 23000jungle! We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle! And I'm here to 23001state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all 23002through!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!" 23003 "With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham 23004Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged, 23005You're going to be roped! And you're going to be caged! And, as for your 23006dust speck... Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-But 23007oil!" 23008 -- Dr. Seuss, "Horton Hears a Who" 23009% 23010Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall, 23011Humpty Dumpty had a great fall! 23012All the king's horses, 23013And all the king's men, 23014Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again! 23015% 23016Humpty Dumpty was pushed. 23017% 23018Hurewitz's Memory Principle: 23019 The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional 23020 to... to... uh..... 23021% 23022Hydrogen: A colorless, odorless, lighter than air gas which, given 23023time, turns into people. 23024 -- Harlow Shapley 23025% 23026I: 23027 The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin 23028 with a silk sow. The same is true of money. 23029II: 23030 If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would 23031 probably be twice as good as yesterday was. 23032III: 23033 There are no lazy veteran lion hunters. 23034IV: 23035 If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to. 23036V: 23037 One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output. 23038 Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average 23039 output. 23040 -- Norman Augustine 23041% 23042I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people 23043are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen 23044carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence 23045terrifies people the most. 23046 -- Bob Dylan 23047% 23048I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster. 23049 -- John Hinckley 23050% 23051I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Congs. 23052 -- Muhammad Ali 23053% 23054I allow the world to live as it chooses, 23055and I allow myself to live as I choose. 23056% 23057I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a professor 23058or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any other minority 23059viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority. 23060 -- Richard M. Nixon 23061 23062What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism? 23063 -- Richard M. Nixon 23064% 23065I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their 23066good intellects. Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies. 23067 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray" 23068% 23069I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human. 23070 -- David Bowie 23071% 23072I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. 23073It is never any good to oneself. 23074 -- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband" 23075% 23076I always say beauty is only sin deep. 23077 -- H. H. Munro, a.k.a. Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat" 23078% 23079I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's 23080accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures. 23081 -- Chief Justice Earl Warren 23082% 23083I always wake up at the crack of ice. 23084 -- Joe E. Lewis 23085% 23086I always will remember -- I was in no mood to trifle; 23087'Twas a year ago November -- I got down my trusty rifle 23088I went out to shoot some deer And went out to stalk my prey -- 23089On a morning bright and clear. What a haul I made that day! 23090I went and shot the maximum I tied them to my bumper and 23091The game laws would allow: I drove them home somehow, 23092Two game wardens, seven hunters, Two game wardens, seven hunters, 23093And a cow. And a cow. 23094 23095The Law was very firm, it People ask me how I do it 23096Took away my permit-- And I say, "There's nothin' to it! 23097The worst punishment I ever endured. You just stand there lookin' cute, 23098It turns out there was a reason: And when something moves, you shoot." 23099Cows were out of season, and And there's ten stuffed heads 23100One of the hunters wasn't insured. In my trophy room right now: 23101 Two game wardens, seven hunters, 23102 And a pure-bred gurnsey cow. 23103 -- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song" 23104% 23105I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent 23106person, you will not sell me another book. 23107% 23108I am a computer. 23109I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator. 23110% 23111I am a conscientious man, when I throw 23112rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned. 23113 -- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is" 23114% 23115I am a deeply superficial person. 23116 -- Andy Warhol 23117% 23118I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend 23119than be one. 23120 -- Clarence Darrow 23121% 23122I am a man: nothing human is alien to me. 23123 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 23124% 23125I am a PC technician - however, this has unfortunately caused my 23126computer to be running Win98. 23127 -- seen on a FreeBSD mailing-list 23128% 23129I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented 23130limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice. 23131 -- Burt Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance" 23132% 23133I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else. 23134 -- Winston Churchill 23135% 23136I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder 23137have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products. 23138This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's 23139reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go 23140buy some more. 23141 -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM 23142% 23143I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves 23144for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man 23145is to suffer for others. 23146 -- Cesar Chavez 23147% 23148I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three 23149quarters of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts 23150otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me. 23151 -- Noel Coward on Edith Sitwell 23152% 23153I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool. 23154 -- Katharine Whitehorn 23155% 23156I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas, 23157I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where all of the art 23158was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators. 23159 -- Steven Wright 23160% 23161I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, 23162of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell 23163you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial 23164atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something 23165inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering. 23166 -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan 23167% 23168I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy. 23169 -- Yul Brynner, 1956 23170% 23171I am looking for a honest man. 23172 -- Diogenes the Cynic 23173% 23174I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work. 23175% 23176I am NOMAD! 23177% 23178I am not a crook. 23179 -- Richard M. Nixon 23180% 23181I am not a politician and my other habits are also good. 23182 -- A. Ward 23183% 23184I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today. 23185 -- William Allen White 23186% 23187I am not an Economist. I am an honest man! 23188 -- Paul McCracken 23189% 23190I am not now and never have been a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger. 23191 -- Gloria Steinem 23192% 23193I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party. 23194 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 23195% 23196I am not sure what this is, but an "F" would only dignify it. 23197 -- English Professor 23198% 23199I am of the belief that catnip arrived on the planet in the same spaceship 23200that delivered cats. It is the only thing they have from their home 23201planet. Tuna, chicken, sparrow-brains, etc., these are all things of our 23202world that they like, but catnip is crack from home. 23203 -- Bill Cole 23204% 23205I am only one, but I am one. I cannot do everything, but I can do 23206something. And I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what 23207I can do. 23208 -- Edward Everett Hale, (1822 - 1909) 23209% 23210I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say 23211(in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated. 23212 -- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason" 23213% 23214I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the 23215great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. 23216 -- Winston Churchill 23217% 23218I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone 23219has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. 23220 -- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University 23221% 23222I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast 23223with an option to buy. 23224% 23225I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater. 23226% 23227I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can. 23228% 23229I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so. 23230 -- John Donne 23231% 23232I am two with nature. 23233 -- Woody Allen 23234% 23235I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty, 23236I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence. 23237 -- Samuel Johnson 23238% 23239I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of the 23240sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for you are 23241loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway. 23242 -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy, 23243 University of Tennessee at Knoxville 23244% 23245I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an 23246argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and 23247steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, 23248they don't even invite me. 23249 -- Dave Barry 23250% 23251I asked a teacher what the opposite of a miracle was and she, without 23252thinking, I assume, said it was an act of God. 23253 -- Terry Prachett (Daily Mail 21 june 2008) 23254% 23255I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards 23256why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the 23257small number needed [1 per month] in his factory. He explained that this 23258would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency. 23259Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures 23260them completely, even molding the keypads. 23261 -- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE "Computer", Nov. 1979 23262% 23263I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty, 23264ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities. 23265% 23266I B M 23267U B M 23268We all B M 23269For I B M!!!! 23270 -- H.A.R.L.I.E. 23271% 23272I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. 23273 -- Gilda Radner 23274% 23275I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the 23276perfect woman. I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough, 23277I would find her and then I would be secure for life. Well, the years 23278and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone 23279a lot less than my idea of perfection. But one day, after many years 23280together, I lay there on our bed recovering from a slight illness. My 23281wife was sitting on a chair next to the bed, humming softly and watching 23282the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees. The only sounds to 23283be heard elsewhere were the clock ticking, the kettle downstairs starting 23284to boil, and an occasional schoolchild passing beneath our window. And 23285as I looked up into my wife's now wrinkled face, but still warm and 23286twinkling eyes, I realized something about perfection... It comes only 23287with time. 23288 -- James L. Collymore, "Perfect Woman" 23289% 23290I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, 23291particularly if he has income and she is pattable. 23292 -- Ogden Nash 23293% 23294I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute 23295-- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic) 23296how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom 23297to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or 23298political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely 23299because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or 23300the people who might elect him. 23301 -- John F. Kennedy 23302% 23303I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean. 23304 -- G. K. Chesterton 23305% 23306I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in a lifetime. 23307 -- Woody Allen 23308% 23309I believe that professional wrestling is clean 23310and everything else in the world is fixed. 23311 -- Frank Deford, sports writer 23312% 23313I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac 23314thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the 23315total discrediting of the world of reality. 23316 -- Salvador Dali 23317% 23318I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat. 23319 -- Will Rogers 23320% 23321I bet the human brain is a kludge. 23322 -- Marvin Minsky 23323% 23324I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on 23325the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel. 23326 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 23327% 23328I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always 23329end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get 23330embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and 23331they'd get mad and eat the snowman. 23332 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 23333% 23334I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub. 23335 -- Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during 23336 a visit to a London veterans hospital 23337% 23338I brake for chezlogs! 23339% 23340I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see 23341Bambi, the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the 23342box office. I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon 23343relief from the Washington Summer. Instead I was traumatized. As a 23344psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be 23345more effective. For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable 23346sense of security and comfort. Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to 23347be great conversationalists. Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe 23348as an absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd 23349thunderstorm. You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover 23350the meadow, generally mellow out. Then, without any particular warning, 23351your mom gets shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on 23352your head, and your peers start heading off into the clover with the 23353apparent intention of having sex. Next thing you know, the forest burns 23354down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer Rambo III. 23355 -- Townsend Davis 23356% 23357I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up. 23358 -- Biff Barf 23359% 23360I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference. 23361They're still living in the fifties. 23362 -- Strange de Jim 23363% 23364I came, I saw, I deleted all your files. 23365% 23366I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew. 23367All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself. 23368 -- The Firesign Theatre 23369% 23370I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother. 23371% 23372I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan 23373prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very 23374bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after 23375relentless day. 23376 -- Betty MacDonald 23377% 23378I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't. 23379 -- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body" 23380% 23381I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half. 23382 -- Jay Gould 23383% 23384I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart, 23385and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs. 23386 -- Larry Lee 23387% 23388I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself. 23389% 23390I can relate to that. 23391% 23392I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and 2339325 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be 23394true. 23395 -- Harry S. Truman 23396% 23397I can resist anything but temptation. 23398% 23399I can see him a'comin' 23400With his big boots on, 23401With his big thumb out, 23402He wants to get me. 23403He wants to hurt me. 23404He wants to bring me down. 23405But some time later, 23406When I feel a little straighter, 23407I'll come across a stranger 23408Who'll remind me of the danger, 23409And then.... I'll run him over. 23410Pretty smart on my part! 23411To find my way... In the dark! 23412 -- Phil Ochs 23413% 23414I can write better than anybody who can write faster, 23415and I can write faster than anybody who can write better. 23416 -- A. J. Liebling 23417% 23418I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions. 23419 -- Lillian Hellman 23420% 23421I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos. 23422 -- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics 23423% 23424I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate 23425of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ... 23426 -- F. H. Wales (1936) 23427% 23428I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats; 23429If it be man's work I will do it. 23430% 23431I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar. 23432 23433What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good 23434grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause 23435of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the 23436United States would have lost World War II." 23437 -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar" 23438% 23439I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest. 23440 -- Steven Pearl 23441% 23442I can't come back, I don't know how it works. 23443 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz" 23444% 23445I can't complain, but sometimes I still do. 23446 -- Joe Walsh 23447% 23448I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling. 23449 -- Florence Henderson 23450% 23451I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver. 23452 -- Phil Harris 23453% 23454I Can't Get Over You, So I Get Up and Go Around to the Other Side 23455If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will 23456I Knew That You'd Committed a Sin When You Came Home Late With 23457 Your Socks Outside-in 23458I'm a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love 23459Don't Kick My Tires If You Ain't Gonna Take Me For a Ride 23460I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well 23461I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better 23462I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time 23463 -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay" 23464% 23465I can't mate in captivity. 23466 -- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married 23467% 23468I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along." 23469It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle. 23470 -- Robert Benchley 23471% 23472I can't stand squealers; hit that guy. 23473 -- Albert Anastasia 23474% 23475I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork. It's useless to fight the 23476forms. You've got to kill the people producing them. 23477 -- Vladimir Kabaidze, general director of the Ivanovo Machine 23478 Building Works (near Moscow) in a speech to the Communist 23479 Party Conference 23480% 23481I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can 23482understand it. 23483 -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands 23484% 23485I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a 23486novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. 23487 -- Fred Allen 23488% 23489I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. 23490I'm frightened of the old ones. 23491 -- John Cage 23492% 23493"I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights 23494instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is 23495standing still ..." 23496 -- Steven Wright 23497% 23498I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his 23499keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating 23500up a child. 23501 -- Steven Wright 23502% 23503I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time 23504a woman got pregnant, someone left town. 23505 -- Michael Prichard 23506% 23507I consider a new device or technology to have been 23508culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder. 23509 -- M. Gallaher 23510% 23511I consider the day misspent that I am not 23512either charged with a crime, or arrested for one. 23513 -- "Ratsy" Tourbillon 23514% 23515I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather 23516dance with the cows till you come home. 23517 -- Groucho Marx 23518% 23519I could never learn to like her -- 23520except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight. 23521 -- Mark Twain 23522% 23523I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less. 23524% 23525I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps 23526the time I found out that M&Ms really *do* melt in your hand... 23527 -- Peter Oakley 23528% 23529I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise. 23530% 23531I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why 23532I should have to believe in it in this one. 23533 -- Strange de Jim 23534% 23535I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything! 23536 -- Bart Simpson 23537% 23538I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired. 23539But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired. 23540 -- Rita Gain 23541% 23542I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British. 23543% 23544I didn't know it was impossible when I did it. 23545% 23546I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. The 23547curtain was up. 23548% 23549I disagree with what you say, but will defend 23550to the death your right to tell such LIES! 23551% 23552I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk 23553and says the wrong things. Talking's something you can't do judiciously, 23554unless you keep in practice. Now, sir, we'll talk if you like. I'll tell 23555you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk. 23556 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" 23557% 23558I distrust a man who says when. If he's got to be careful not to drink 23559too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does. 23560 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" 23561% 23562I do desire we may be better strangers. 23563 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" 23564% 23565I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one. 23566% 23567I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an 23568exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to 23569minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary 23570accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a 23571mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the 23572bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always 23573different. 23574 -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.) 23575% 23576I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman 23577Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church, 23578nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church. 23579 -- Thomas Paine 23580% 23581I do not care if half the league strikes. Those who do will encounter 23582quick retribution. All will be suspended, and I don't care if it wrecks 23583the National League for five years. This is the United States of America 23584and one citizen has as much right to play as another. 23585 -- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a 23586 threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if 23587 Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis. The 23588 Cardinals backed down and played. 23589% 23590I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them. 23591 -- Isaac Asimov 23592% 23593I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us 23594with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use. 23595 -- Galileo Galilei 23596% 23597I do not know myself and God forbid that I should. 23598 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 23599% 23600I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern, 23601any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted. Mythology 23602comes nearest to it of any. 23603 -- Henry David Thoreau 23604% 23605I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a 23606butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man. 23607 -- Chuang Tzu 23608% 23609I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which, 23610starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance, 23611reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one's life is to 23612devote it to research in mathematics. 23613 -- Sir Edmund Whittaker, "Scientific American", Vol. 183 23614% 23615I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them. 23616I ask nothing but sincerity. If they come out of habit, they become 23617tiresome. 23618 -- I Ching 23619% 23620I do not take drugs -- I am drugs. 23621 -- Salvador Dali 23622% 23623I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians 23624don't believe in astrology. 23625 -- James R. F. Quirk 23626% 23627I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just 23628a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more 23629numbers!! 23630% 23631I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of 23632a frog jumping on my Breakfast. 23633 -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82 23634% 23635I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to 23636run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better 23637husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em. 23638 -- The Best of Will Rogers 23639% 23640I don't care what star you're following, get that camel off my front lawn! 23641 -- Heard in Bethlehem 23642% 23643I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed. 23644 -- Calvin Trillin 23645% 23646I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the 23647nominating. 23648 -- Boss Tweed 23649% 23650I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't 23651deserve that either. 23652 -- Jack Benny 23653% 23654I don't do it for the money. 23655 -- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal 23656% 23657I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good. 23658 -- K. Coates 23659% 23660I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking. 23661 -- Katherine Cebrian 23662% 23663I don't get no respect. 23664% 23665I don't have an eating problem. I eat. 23666I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem. 23667% 23668I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem. 23669 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 23670% 23671I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two 23672highly trained certified public accountants. 23673 -- Elvis Presley 23674% 23675I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of 23676people waiting to abuse me. 23677 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" 23678% 23679I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above 23680globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high." 23681 -- Bruce Baum 23682% 23683I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. 23684 -- Elvis Presley 23685% 23686I don't know what Descartes' got, 23687But booze can do what Kant cannot. 23688 -- Mike Cross 23689% 23690I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much 23691more concerned to know what his grandson will be. 23692 -- Abraham Lincoln 23693% 23694I don't know why anyone would want a computer in their home. 23695 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, 1974 23696% 23697I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate. 23698% 23699I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd 23700eat it, and I just hate it. 23701 -- Clarence Darrow 23702% 23703I don't like the Dutchman. He's a crocodile. He's sneaky. 23704I don't trust him. 23705 -- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference 23706 with Dutch Schultz. 23707 23708I don't trust Legs. He's nuts. He gets excited and starts pulling a 23709trigger like another guy wipes his nose. 23710 -- Dutch Schultz, just before a peace conference with 23711 "Legs" Diamond. 23712% 23713I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game. 23714 -- Cash McCall 23715% 23716I don't mind arguing with myself. 23717It's when I lose that it bothers me. 23718 -- Richard Powers 23719% 23720I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path. 23721 -- Ronald Mabbitt 23722% 23723I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the 23724streets and frighten the horses. 23725 -- Victor Hugo 23726% 23727I don't need no arms around me... 23728I don't need no drugs to calm me... 23729I have seen the writing on the wall. 23730Don't think I need anything at all. 23731No! Don't think I need anything at all! 23732All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall. 23733All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall. 23734 -- Pink Floyd, "Another Brick in the Wall", Part III 23735% 23736I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!? 23737% 23738I don't remember it, but I have it written down. 23739% 23740I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before 23741he starts to practice law. 23742 -- John F. Kennedy, upon appointing his brother 23743 Attorney-General. 23744% 23745I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets 23746fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system. 23747 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 23748% 23749"I don't think so," said Ren'e Descartes. Just then, he vanished. 23750% 23751I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican 23752Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters. 23753 -- Richard M. Nixon, 1972 23754% 23755"I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down 23756to the sea and drown yourselves." 23757 23758"How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why 23759you human beings don't." 23760 -- James Thurber 23761% 23762I don't understand you anymore. 23763% 23764I don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight, 23765But there will definitely be a party tonight... 23766% 23767I don't want a pickle, 23768I just wanna ride on my motorcycle. 23769And I don't want to die, 23770I just want to ride on my motorcycle. 23771 -- Arlo Guthrie 23772% 23773I don't want people to love me. It makes for obligations. 23774 -- Jean Anouilh 23775% 23776I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. 23777I want to achieve immortality through not dying. 23778 -- Woody Allen 23779% 23780I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that 23781the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is 23782thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists 23783broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake. 23784Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off 23785their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ... 23786 -- Dave Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE 23787 COMING!" 23788% 23789I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore. 23790% 23791I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment. 23792 -- Woody Allen 23793% 23794I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive? 23795% 23796I dote on his very absence. 23797 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 23798% 23799I doubt, therefore I might be. 23800% 23801I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business 23802on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment 23803he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual 23804becoming, with a goal in front and not behind. 23805 -- George Bernard Shaw 23806% 23807I drink to make other people interesting. 23808 -- George Jean Nathan 23809% 23810I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it. 23811% 23812I enjoy the time that we spend together. 23813% 23814I exist, therefore I am paid. 23815% 23816I fear explanations explanatory of things explained. 23817% 23818I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head... 23819% 23820I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on, 23821so I woke up from sheer boredom. 23822% 23823I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an 23824honest difference of opinion. 23825 -- Isaac Asimov 23826% 23827I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts. 23828I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups. 23829 -- Steven Wright 23830% 23831I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40. 23832 -- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd 23833 just shot. 23834% 23835I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words. 23836% 23837I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble. 23838 -- Augustus Caesar 23839% 23840I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very 23841reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment. 23842 -- Gautama Buddha 23843% 23844I gave my love an Apple, that had no core; 23845I gave my love a building, that had no floor; 23846I wrote my love a program, that had no end; 23847I gave my love an upgrade, with no cryin'. 23848 23849How can there be an Apple, that has no core? 23850How can there be a building, that has no floor? 23851How can there be a program, that has no end? 23852How can there be an upgrade, with no cryin'? 23853 23854An Apple's MOS memory don't use no core! 23855A building that's perfect, it has no flaw! 23856A program with GOTOs, it has no end! 23857I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin'! 23858% 23859I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *__________horrifying* 20 23860minutes of my life! 23861% 23862I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. 23863 -- Mae West 23864% 23865I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise. 23866 -- Chauncey Depew 23867% 23868I get up each morning, gather my wits. 23869Pick up the paper, read the obits. 23870If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. 23871So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. 23872 23873Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent? 23874My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went. 23875But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin, 23876And think of the places my get-up has been. 23877 -- Pete Seeger 23878% 23879I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who? 23880 -- Beauregard Bugleboy 23881% 23882I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs. 23883 -- H. L. Mencken 23884% 23885I go the way that Providence dictates. 23886 -- Adolf Hitler 23887% 23888I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now 23889when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and 23890farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go." 23891 -- Steven Wright 23892% 23893I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were 23894wearing masks for. 23895 -- James Boren 23896% 23897I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add. 23898 -- Steven Wright 23899% 23900I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie 23901theater. So I bought the album. I got kicked out of a theater the 23902other day for bringing my own food in. I argued that the concession 23903stand prices were outrageous. Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a 23904long time. I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children 23905$2.50. I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl. I once took a cab to 23906a drive-in movie. The movie cost me $95. 23907 -- Steven Wright 23908% 23909I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals. 23910 -- Butch Cassidy 23911% 23912I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up 23913and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. 23914 23915No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the 23916human emotions which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when 23917you kill someone for money or something like that. Another emotion is 23918generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid 23919puppet. 23920 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 23921% 23922I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit 23923was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse 23924being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities. 23925 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 23926% 23927I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took 23928time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to 23929win -- or even how you won. 23930 -- Cash McCall 23931% 23932I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of 23933other people... Certainty is just an emotion. 23934 -- Hal Clement 23935% 23936I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him 23937Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat 23938one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear. 23939 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 23940% 23941I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought. 23942 -- D. Cavett 23943% 23944I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way. We shot him, we skinned him, and 23945we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob." 23946 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 23947% 23948I had a dream last night... 23949I dreamt about 1976. 23950I dreamt about a country with incurable brain damage... 23951I even dreamt they gave it a heart transplant. 23952Then I woke up and I knew it was only a nightmare... 23953so I went back to sleep again. 23954 -- Ralph Steadman, "Fear and Loathing '72" 23955% 23956I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all. Depth beyond 23957depth was revealed to me -- the Byss and the Abyss. I saw -- as one might 23958see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show -- a quantity passing 23959through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus. I saw exactly 23960why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable -- but it was after 23961dinner and I let it go. 23962 -- Winston Churchill 23963% 23964I had a virgin once. I had to go to Guatemala for her. She was blind 23965in one eye, and she had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami 23966Beach." 23967 -- The Stunt Man 23968% 23969I had another dream the other day about government financial management 23970people. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they 23971had stepped out of a painting by Goya. 23972% 23973I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small 23974and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a 23975painting by Goya. 23976 -- Stravinsky 23977% 23978I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black 23979people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people 23980put a black person through in this country. To realize you don't have any 23981power to make things different is a bitch. 23982 -- Miles Davis 23983% 23984I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, 23985so I took his shoes. 23986 -- Dave Barry 23987% 23988I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and 23989implement a PL/1 compiler. 23990 -- T. Cheatham 23991% 23992I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler 23993Moore show I heard the word "damn"! 23994 -- Mary Lou Bax 23995% 23996I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense. 23997% 23998I hate babies. They're so human. 23999 -- H. H. Munro 24000% 24001I hate dying. 24002 -- Dave Johnson 24003% 24004I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means 24005it's going to be up all night. 24006 -- Steven Wright 24007% 24008I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, 24009and I know how bad I am. 24010 -- Samuel Johnson 24011% 24012I hate quotations. 24013 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 24014% 24015I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park 24016there's nothing else to do. 24017 -- Lenny Bruce 24018% 24019I hate trolls. Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a 24020ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon. 24021 -- Willow 24022% 24023I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I 24024open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the 24025box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get 24026it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I 24027had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend 24028of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a 24029call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone 24030doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I 24031didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens. 24032 -- Steven Wright 24033% 24034I have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here, 24035Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me 24036and just keeps on typing. 24037 -- Steven Wright 24038% 24039I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia, 24040the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to 24041sit down together at the table of brotherhood. 24042 -- Martin Luther King, Jr. 24043% 24044I have a friend whose a billionaire. He invented Cliff's notes. When 24045I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I... 24046I just... to make a long story short..." 24047 -- Steven Wright 24048% 24049I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up. 24050 -- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters 24051% 24052I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. 24053I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen 24054some of it. 24055 -- Steven Wright 24056% 24057I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me, 24058And what can be the use of him is more than I can see. 24059He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head; 24060And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed. 24061 24062The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow-- 24063Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow; 24064For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball, 24065And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all. 24066 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 24067% 24068I have a map of the United States. It's actual size. 24069I spent last summer folding it. 24070People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6". 24071 -- Steven Wright 24072% 24073I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died. 24074 -- Richard Diran 24075% 24076I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once 24077in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I 24078got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!" 24079 -- Steven Wright 24080% 24081I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell. 24082% 24083I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything, 24084but I can't prove it. 24085% 24086I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it 24087any time! 24088% 24089I have a very strange feeling about this... 24090 -- Luke Skywalker 24091% 24092I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to 24093sacrifice my wife's brother. 24094 -- Artemus Ward 24095% 24096I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes 24097to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form. 24098 -- Winston Churchill, 1903 24099% 24100I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it. 24101 -- Steven Wright 24102% 24103I have become me without my consent. 24104% 24105I have come up with a surefire concept for a hit television show, which 24106would be called "A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark." 24107 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 24108% 24109I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per 24110cent an idiot. 24111 -- George Bernard Shaw 24112% 24113I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable 24114to sit still in a room. 24115 -- Blaise Pascal 24116% 24117I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth 24118and they never believe me. 24119 -- Camillo Di Cavour 24120% 24121I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and 24122to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and 24123support of the woman I love. 24124 -- Edward, Duke of Windsor, announcing his abdication 24125 of the British throne in order to marry the American 24126 divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson. (1936) 24127% 24128I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience 24129most of them are trash. 24130 -- Sigmund Freud 24131% 24132I have gained this by philosophy: 24133that I do without being commanded what others 24134do only from fear of the law. 24135 -- Aristotle 24136% 24137I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it. 24138 -- Edgar Allan Poe 24139% 24140I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent 24141of a prostate operation. 24142 -- Malcolm Muggeridge 24143% 24144I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning. 24145 -- Plato 24146% 24147I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row. 24148I do believe that is a record. 24149 -- Dylan Thomas, his last words 24150% 24151I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You 24152sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an 24153eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I 24154have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of 24155beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a 24156guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more 24157of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry. 24158 -- Harry S. Truman 24159% 24160I have learned silence from the talkative, 24161toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind. 24162 -- Kahlil Gibran 24163% 24164I have learned 24165To spell hors d'oeuvres 24166Which still grates on 24167Some people's n'oeuvres. 24168 -- Warren Knox 24169% 24170I have lots of things in my pockets; 24171None of them is worth anything. 24172Sociopolitical whines aside, 24173Gan you give me, gratis, free, 24174The price of half a gallon 24175Of Gallo extra bad 24176And most of the bus fare home. 24177% 24178I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming 24179that I have never made one. 24180 -- James Gordon Bennett 24181% 24182I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to 24183make it shorter. 24184 -- Blaise Pascal 24185% 24186I have more hit points that you can possible imagine. 24187% 24188I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole BODY! 24189 -- from "Cerebus" #82 24190% 24191I have never been one to sacrifice 24192my appetite on the altar of appearance. 24193 -- A. M. Readyhough 24194% 24195I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. 24196 -- Mark Twain 24197% 24198I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck. 24199 -- Rob Pike, on X 24200 24201Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be 24202gone in two years. He was half right. 24203 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 24204 24205Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong. 24206 -- Jim Gettys 24207% 24208I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts 24209already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic 24210establishment. 24211 -- Alan Bennett 24212% 24213I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race, 24214in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals. 24215 -- Thoreau 24216% 24217I have no doubt the Devil grins, 24218As seas of ink I spatter. 24219Ye gods, forgive my "literary" sins-- 24220The other kind don't matter. 24221 -- Robert W. Service 24222% 24223I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his 24224own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks 24225of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin. 24226 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 24227% 24228I have not yet begun to byte! 24229% 24230I have nothing but utter contempt for the courts of this land. 24231 -- George Wallace 24232% 24233I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, 24234and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would 24235be blockhead enough to have me. 24236 -- Abraham Lincoln 24237% 24238I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart. 24239 -- Jimmy Carter 24240% 24241I have often regretted my speech, never my silence. 24242 -- Publilius Syrus 24243% 24244I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these 24245Calculating Engines. I have also declined several offers of great personal 24246advantage to myself. But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages 24247for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and 24248after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government 24249of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only 24250commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgment of my labors, nor even 24251the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the 24252reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations... 24253 If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were 24254a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the 24255execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some 24256justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I 24257venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will 24258ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if 24259made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to 24260declare the construction of such machinery impracticable... 24261 And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed 24262by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its 24263advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I 24264think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abstruse 24265calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country. 24266In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not 24267be economized by the aid of machinery. 24268 -- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher" 24269% 24270I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. 24271 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 24272% 24273I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems. 24274% 24275I have that old biological urge, 24276I have that old irresistible surge, 24277I'm hungry. 24278% 24279I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best. 24280 -- Oscar Wilde 24281% 24282I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it 24283scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it. 24284 -- Steven Wright 24285% 24286I have to convince you, or at least snow you ... 24287 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 24288% 24289I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink. 24290 -- Richard Burton 24291% 24292I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with 24293the best people in business administration. I can assure you on the highest 24294authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year. 24295 -- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall 24296 publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior 24297 editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new 24298 science of data processing), c. 1957 24299% 24300I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking 24301his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell 24302beating up a child. 24303 -- Steven Wright 24304% 24305I have ways of making money that you know nothing of. 24306 -- John D. Rockefeller 24307% 24308I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked 24309at in the right way, did not become still more complicated. 24310 -- Poul Anderson 24311% 24312I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere. 24313% 24314I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it. 24315% 24316I hear the sound that the machines make, 24317and feel my heart break, just for a moment. 24318% 24319I hear what you're saying but I just don't care. 24320% 24321I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very 24322interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell 24323more than he knows. 24324 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 24325% 24326I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing... 24327 -- Thomas Jefferson 24328% 24329I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips, 24330I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips, 24331My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here, 24332But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir. 24333 24334The night you died I cut it off, I really don't know why, 24335For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie, 24336I'm sorry now I killed you, our love was something fine, 24337So until they come to get me I will hold your hand in mine. 24338 24339 -- Tom Lehrer, "I Hold Your Hand In Mine" 24340% 24341I hope you're not pretending to be evil while 24342secretly being good. That would be dishonest. 24343% 24344I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do? 24345 -- Raoul Duke 24346% 24347I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke. 24348I think I saw God. 24349 -- B. Hathrume Duk 24350% 24351I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!! 24352% 24353I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels]. 24354He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial 24355and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I 24356ever needed one. Needless to say, I readily agreed. 24357 -- Thomas King Forcade, publisher of "High Times" 24358% 24359I just got out of the hospital after a 24360speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark. 24361 -- Steven Wright 24362% 24363I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field. 24364 -- Casey Stengel 24365% 24366I just need enough to tide me over until I need more. 24367 -- Bill Hoest 24368% 24369I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. 24370I haven't had time for tobacco since. 24371 -- Arturo Toscanini 24372% 24373I knew her before she was a virgin. 24374 -- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day 24375% 24376I *knew* I had some reason for not logging you off... 24377If I could just remember what it was. 24378% 24379I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better 24380take one along that worked. 24381 -- Raymond Chandler 24382% 24383I know if you been talkin' you done said 24384just how surprised you wuz by the living dead. 24385You wuz surprised that they could understand you words 24386and never respond once to all the truth they heard. 24387But don't you get square! 24388There ain't no rule that says they got to care. 24389They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind. 24390% 24391I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once. 24392% 24393I know not how I came into this, 24394shall I call it a dying life or a living death? 24395 -- St. Augustine 24396% 24397I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World 24398War IV will be fought with sticks and stones. 24399 -- Albert Einstein 24400% 24401I know on which side my bread is buttered. 24402 -- John Heywood 24403% 24404I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! 24405The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building. 24406 -- Charles Schulz 24407% 24408I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when 24409you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination. 24410 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 24411% 24412I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all 24413custody means. Get even with your old lady. 24414 -- Lenny Bruce 24415% 24416I know what you're thinking -- "Did he fire six shots or only five?" 24417Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I kind of lost track 24418myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the 24419world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself 24420one question: "Do I feel lucky?" Well, do you, punk? 24421 -- Harry Callahan, badge #2211 24422% 24423I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says, 24424but I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what 24425it means. 24426% 24427I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said, 24428but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant. 24429% 24430I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere. 24431% 24432I lately lost a preposition; 24433It hid, I thought, beneath my chair 24434And angrily I cried, "Perdition! 24435Up from out of under there." 24436 24437Correctness is my vade mecum, 24438And straggling phrases I abhor, 24439And yet I wondered, "What should he come 24440Up from out of under for?" 24441 -- Morris Bishop 24442% 24443I lay my head on the railroad tracks, 24444Waitin' for the double E. 24445The railroad don't run no more. 24446Poor poor pitiful me. [chorus] 24447 Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me. 24448 These young girls won't let me be, 24449 Lord have mercy on me! 24450 Woe is me! 24451 24452Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood, 24453Well, I ain't naming names. 24454But she really worked me over good, 24455She was just like Jesse James. 24456She really worked me over good, 24457She was a credit to her gender. 24458She put me through some changes, boy, 24459Sort of like a Waring blender. [chorus] 24460 24461I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar, 24462She asked me if I'd beat her. 24463She took me back to the Hyatt House, 24464I don't want to talk about it. [chorus] 24465 -- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me" 24466% 24467I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they 24468didn't is just lyin'! 24469 -- Willie Nelson 24470% 24471I like being single. I'm always there when I need me. 24472 -- Art Leo 24473% 24474I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull 24475that kidnaped Europa. 24476 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero 24477% 24478I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to 24479promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want 24480peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of 24481the way and let them have it. 24482 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 24483% 24484I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours. 24485% 24486I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours. 24487% 24488I like young girls. Their stories are shorter. 24489 -- Tom McGuane 24490% 24491I like your game but we have to change the rules. 24492% 24493I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes. 24494% 24495I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts 24496to bite people themselves. 24497 -- August Strindberg 24498% 24499I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. 24500I may not get there, but I'm going first class. 24501 -- Art Buchwald 24502% 24503I love being married. It's so great to find that one special 24504person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 24505 -- Rita Rudner 24506% 24507I love children. Especially when they cry -- for then 24508someone takes them away. 24509 -- Nancy Mitford 24510% 24511I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas. A Chihuahua isn't a dog. 24512It's a rat with a thyroid problem. 24513% 24514I love mankind ... It's people I hate. 24515 -- Schulz 24516% 24517I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known. 24518 -- Walt Disney 24519% 24520I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what 24521entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils. 24522 -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson 24523% 24524I love the smell of napalm in the morning. 24525 -- Robert Duval, "Apocalypse Now" 24526% 24527I love to eat them Smurfies 24528Smurfies what I love to eat 24529Bite they ugly heads off, 24530Nibble on they bluish feet. 24531% 24532I love treason but hate a traitor. 24533 -- Gaius Julius Caesar 24534% 24535I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last. 24536 -- Elvis Costello 24537% 24538I love you, not only for what you are, 24539but for what I am when I am with you. 24540 -- Roy Croft 24541% 24542I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might 24543commit some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it 24544irresistible. 24545 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer" 24546% 24547I married beneath me. All women do. 24548 -- Lady Nancy Astor 24549% 24550I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but 24551don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the 24552speed of light. 24553 -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk 24554% 24555I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up! 24556% 24557I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously. 24558 -- Doctor Graper 24559% 24560I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent. 24561 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 24562% 24563I met a wonderful new man. He's fictional, but you can't have everything. 24564 -- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo" 24565% 24566I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at 24567clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators. 24568 -- Steven Wright 24569% 24570I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a 24571congressman. 24572 -- Will Rogers 24573% 24574I must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's; 24575I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create. 24576 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem" 24577% 24578I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini. 24579 -- Alexander Woollcott 24580% 24581I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a 24582week sometimes to make it up. 24583 -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad" 24584% 24585I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts! 24586% 24587I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres 24588and planets. Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit 24589-- around the sun. If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if 24590we make it a thousand miles wide, we get a thickness of about a thousand 24591feet for the base. 24592 24593And it has advantages. The Ringworld will be much sturdier than a Dyson 24594sphere. We can spin it on its axis for gravity. A rotation speed of 770 24595m/s will give us a gravity of one Earth normal. We wouldn't even need to 24596roof it over. Place walls one thousand miles high at each edge, facing the 24597sun. Very little air will leak over the edges. 24598 24599Lord knows the thing is roomy enough. With three million times the surface 24600area of the Earth, it will be some time before anyone complains of the 24601crowding. 24602 -- Larry Niven, "Ringworld" 24603% 24604I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head. 24605 -- Fratianno 24606% 24607I needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed the 24608legislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that 24609way. 24610 -- Jay Gould 24611% 24612I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted 24613something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something. 24614 -- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil 24615% 24616I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget. 24617 -- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the 24618 Royal Family 24619% 24620I never did it that way before. 24621% 24622I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the 24623places they do today. 24624 -- Will Rogers 24625% 24626I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they 24627could do was to go away. 24628% 24629I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. 24630 -- Groucho Marx 24631% 24632I never killed a man that didn't deserve it. 24633 -- Mickey Cohen 24634% 24635I never loved another person the way I loved myself. 24636 -- Mae West 24637% 24638I never made a mistake in my life. 24639I thought I did once, but I was wrong. 24640 -- Lucy Van Pelt 24641% 24642I never met a man I didn't want to fight. 24643 -- Lyle Alzado, professional football lineman 24644% 24645I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like. 24646% 24647I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook. 24648% 24649I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers; 24650what I said was all saloonkeepers were Democrats. 24651% 24652I never saw a purple cow 24653I never hope to see one 24654But I can tell you anyhow 24655I'd rather see than be one. 24656 -- Gellett Burgess 24657 24658I've never seen a purple cow 24659I never hope to see one 24660But from the milk we're getting now 24661There certainly must be one 24662 -- Ogden Nash 24663 24664Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow" 24665I'm sorry now I wrote it 24666But I can tell you anyhow 24667I'll kill you if you quote it. 24668 -- Gellett Burgess, many years later 24669% 24670I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way. 24671% 24672I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. 24673 -- W. C. Fields 24674% 24675I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation. 24676 -- George Bernard Shaw 24677% 24678I only know what I read in the papers. 24679 -- Will Rogers 24680% 24681I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis! 24682 -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus) 24683% 24684I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a 24685letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished 24686words and an implicit sense of her departure. It's so curious: one can 24687resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief. But 24688then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... or one notices 24689that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... or 24690a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. 24691 -- Letters From Colette 24692% 24693I owe, I owe, 24694It's off to work I go... 24695% 24696I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a 24697toilet seat. 24698 -- Michael McShane 24699% 24700I owe the public nothing. 24701 -- J. P. Morgan 24702% 24703I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as 24704the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must 24705not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we 24706must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts, 24707in our labor and in our amusements. If we can prevent the government from 24708wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they 24709will be happy. 24710 -- Thomas Jefferson 24711% 24712I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the 24713kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled 24714substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no 24715restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we 24716made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given 24717powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative 24718nerve disease. 24719 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" 24720% 24721I pledge allegiance to the flag 24722of the United States of America 24723and to the republic for which it stands, 24724one nation, 24725indivisible, 24726with liberty 24727and justice for all. 24728 -- Francis Bellamy, 1892 24729% 24730I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. 24731 -- Steven Wright 24732% 24733I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow! 24734% 24735I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest. 24736 -- Alexandre Dumas the Younger 24737% 24738I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war. 24739 -- Cicero 24740 24741Even peace may be purchased at too high a price. 24742 -- Poor Richard 24743% 24744I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob. 24745 -- William F. Buckley 24746% 24747I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats 24748on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. 24749 -- Steven Wright 24750% 24751I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time. 24752 -- Steven Wright 24753% 24754I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of 24755tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for: If 24756they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go 24757crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I decided to get as crude as possible. 24758These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even 24759aspire to crudeness. 24760 -- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic" 24761% 24762I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth. 24763 -- Neil Armstrong 24764% 24765I read a column by George Will that Scarface should be rated X because 24766parents were taking their children to see it. So what? Why should the 24767motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality? 24768 Dad says to Mom, "Honey, Scarface is in town." 24769 "What's it about?" 24770 "Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals." 24771 "Sounds great! Let's take the kids!" 24772 -- Ian Shoales 24773% 24774I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic. 24775To see the sights I'm never going to visit. 24776% 24777I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction. 24778 -- Aneurin Bevan 24779% 24780I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that 24781the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional 24782congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile 24783so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the 24784plumber. 24785 24786But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such 24787as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of 24788the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never 24789win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually 24790write about, such as nose-picking. 24791 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against 24792 Political Fallout" 24793% 24794I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines. 24795 -- Marilyn Chambers 24796% 24797I really hate this damned machine 24798I wish that they would sell it. 24799It never does quite what I want 24800But only what I tell it. 24801% 24802I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens 24803who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known 24804something of what has been passing in the world in their time. 24805 -- Thomas Jefferson 24806% 24807I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the 24808wall that didn't do anything... so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just 24809flick that switch up and down... up and down... up and down... 24810Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany... it just said 24811"Cut it out." 24812 -- Steven Wright 24813% 24814I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the 24815reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if 24816I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out. 24817 -- Stephen King 24818% 24819I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I insist on 24820believing that some men are my equals. 24821 -- Brigid Brophy 24822% 24823I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. 24824% 24825I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the 24826morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for 24827the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to 24828invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine. Who composed 24829the opening theme music of `Omnibus'? My friend said Virgil Thomson." I 24830asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said, 24831"You're right." The porter said, "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint 24832that way." I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed. 24833 -- Alistair Cooke 24834% 24835I remember Ulysses well... Left one day for the post office 24836to mail a letter, met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar, 24837and didn't come back for 20 years. 24838% 24839I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some 24840kind of loophole. 24841 -- Leo Kessler 24842% 24843I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it 24844looks like I'm the only one moving. 24845 -- Steven Wright 24846% 24847I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education. 24848 -- Wilson Mizner 24849% 24850I respect the institution of marriage. I have always thought that every 24851woman should marry -- and no man. 24852 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair" 24853% 24854I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New 24855England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be 24856raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in 24857New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for 24858countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere 24859if they don't get it. 24860 -- Mark Twain 24861% 24862I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink... 24863and then natural selection reared its ugly head. 24864% 24865I saw a man pursuing the Horizon, 24866'Round and round they sped. 24867I was disturbed at this, 24868I accosted the man, 24869"It is futile," I said. 24870"You can never--" 24871"You lie!" He cried, 24872and ran on. 24873 -- Stephen Crane 24874% 24875I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. 24876 -- Steven Wright 24877% 24878I saw Lassie. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid 24879never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that 24880deserve a series?" 24881% 24882I saw what you did and I know who you are. 24883% 24884I see a bad moon rising. 24885I see trouble on the way. 24886I see earthquakes and lightnin' 24887I see bad times today. 24888Don't go 'round tonight, 24889It's bound to take your life. 24890There's a bad moon on the rise. 24891 -- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising" 24892% 24893I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope 24894they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em. 24895 -- Will Rogers 24896% 24897I see the eigenvalue in thine eye, 24898I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh. 24899Bernoulli would have been content to die 24900Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(phi)! 24901 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 24902% 24903I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neighbors to 24904the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about 24905us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart. 24906 -- The Best of Will Rogers 24907% 24908I sent a letter to the fish, 24909I told them, "This is what I wish." 24910The little fishes of the sea, 24911They sent an answer back to me. 24912The little fishes' answer was 24913"We cannot do it, sir, because ..." 24914I sent a letter back to say 24915It would be better to obey. 24916But someone came to me and said 24917"The little fishes are in bed." 24918I said to him, and I said it plain 24919"Then you must wake them up again." 24920I said it very loud and clear, 24921I went and shouted in his ear. 24922But he was very stiff and proud, 24923He said "You needn't shout so loud." 24924And he was very proud and stiff, 24925He said "I'll go and wake them if ..." 24926I took a kettle from the shelf, 24927I went to wake them up myself. 24928But when I found the door was locked 24929I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked, 24930And when I found the door was shut, 24931I tried to turn the handle, But ... 24932 24933 "Is that all?" asked Alice. 24934 "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye." 24935 -- Lewis Carroll, 24936 "Through the Looking-Glass, 24937 and What Alice Found There" (1871) 24938% 24939I sent a message to another time, 24940But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe, 24941I sent a message to another plane, 24942Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive. 24943... 24944I met someone who looks at lot like you, 24945She does the things you do, but she is an IBM. 24946She's only programmed to be very nice, 24947But she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near, 24948She tells me that she likes me very much, 24949But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear. 24950... 24951I realize that it must seem so strange, 24952That time has rearranged, but time has the final word, 24953She knows I think of you, she reads my mind, 24954She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world. 24955 -- ELO, "Yours Truly, 2095" 24956% 24957I shall come to you in the night and we shall see who is stronger -- 24958a little girl who won't eat her dinner or a great big man with cocaine 24959in his veins. 24960 -- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his fiancee 24961% 24962I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether 24963it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked afterwards whether 24964he told the truth or not. When starting and waging war it is not right 24965that matters, but victory. 24966 -- Adolf Hitler 24967% 24968I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck. 24969 -- graffito in Los Angeles 24970 24971On a clear day, 24972U.C.L.A. 24973 -- graffito in San Francisco 24974 24975There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our 24976lungs there'd be no place to put it all. 24977 -- Robert Orben 24978% 24979I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than 24980most western countries. 24981 -- George Burns 24982% 24983I smell a wumpus. 24984% 24985I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker 24986Brothers -- they're going to make a game out of it. 24987 -- Woody Allen 24988% 24989I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his 24990ability. 24991 -- Oscar Wilde 24992% 24993I steal. 24994 -- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board 24995 24996Easy. I own Chicago. I own Miami. I own Las Vegas. 24997 -- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living 24998% 24999I stick my neck out for nobody. 25000 -- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca" (1942) 25001% 25002I stood on the leading edge, 25003The eastern seaboard at my feet. 25004"Jump!" said Yoko Ono 25005I'm too scared and good-looking, I cried. 25006Go on and give it a try, 25007Why prolong the agony, all men must die. 25008 -- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking" 25009% 25010I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to 25011see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. 25012 -- Shirley Temple 25013% 25014I suggest a new strategy, R2: let the Wookiee win. 25015 -- C-3PO 25016% 25017I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do 25018too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which 25019direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After 25020much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot 25021tub to face is up. 25022 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 25023% 25024I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school, 25025Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool, 25026Or find myself a rock 'n' roll band, 25027That needs a helping hand, 25028Oh, Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face. 25029 -- Rod Stewart, "Maggie May" 25030% 25031I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the 25032country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which 25033I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving 25034are worth considering, to wit: 25035 25036[110.13]: 25037 "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not 25038 to interfere with oncoming traffic." 25039 25040[22.17b]: 25041 "Learning to change lanes takes time and patience. The best 25042 recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball] 25043 game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it 25044 on the highway." 25045 25046[41.16]: 25047 "Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really 25048 asking for it." 25049% 25050I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the 25051country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which 25052I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving 25053are worth considering, to wit: 25054 25055[131.16d]: 25056 "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle 25057 inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making 25058 a U-turn on a divided highway." 25059 25060[96.7b]: 25061 "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the 25062 quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are 25063 traveling more than 60 MPH." 25064% 25065I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the 25066country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which 25067I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving 25068are worth considering, to wit: 25069 25070[173.15b]: 25071 "When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember 25072 that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way." 25073 25074[141.2a]: 25075 "Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6' 25076 parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into 25077 a 5' parking space." 25078 25079[105.31]: 25080 "Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly. 25081 Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong." 25082% 25083I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad 25084thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself. 25085% 25086I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it 25087is only there that they might escape the lusts of the flesh. 25088 -- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain" 25089% 25090I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me. The first time I tried smoking 25091pot I didn't know what I was doing. I smoked half the joint, got the 25092munchies, and ate the other half. 25093 25094Well, the first time I tried coke I was so embarrassed. I kept getting the 25095bottle stuck up my nose. 25096 -- Rodney Dangerfield 25097% 25098I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track 25099and they shot my horse with the opening gun. 25100 25101Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my 25102fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table. I said, 25103"Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks." 25104 -- Rodney Dangerfield 25105% 25106I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt 25107the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, 25108I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom. 25109 -- Rodney Dangerfield 25110% 25111I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check. 25112 -- M. C. Escher 25113% 25114I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward 25115or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark. 25116 -- Woody Allen 25117% 25118I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee. 25119 -- William Shakespeare 25120% 25121I think I'm schizophrenic. One half of me's 25122paranoid and the other half's out to get him. 25123% 25124I think it is true for all _n. I was just playing it safe with _n >= 3 25125because I couldn't remember the proof. 25126 -- Baker, Pure Math 351a 25127% 25128I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct. 25129 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 25130% 25131I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it. 25132% 25133I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so 25134desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly. 25135 -- H. H. Munro, a.k.a. Saki, "Reginald on Worries" 25136% 25137I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick 25138and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this 25139country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people 25140in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly 25141not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am. 25142 -- Monty Python 25143% 25144I think that I shall never hear 25145A poem lovelier than beer. 25146The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap, 25147With golden base and snowy cap. 25148The stuff that I can drink all day 25149Until my mem'ry melts away. 25150Poems are made by fools, I fear 25151But only Schlitz can make a beer. 25152% 25153I think that I shall never see 25154A billboard lovely as a tree. 25155Perhaps, unless the billboards fall 25156I'll never see a tree at all. 25157 -- Ogden Nash 25158% 25159I think that I shall never see 25160A thing as lovely as a tree. 25161But as you see the trees have gone 25162They went this morning with the dawn. 25163A logging firm from out of town 25164Came and chopped the trees all down. 25165But I will trick those dirty skunks 25166And write a brand new poem called "Trunks". 25167% 25168I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple 25169to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the 25170farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light 25171into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from 25172the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing 25173off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the 25174color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on 25175out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars 25176singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors. 25177 -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club 25178% 25179I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to 25180remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after. 25181 -- Chick 25182% 25183I think the world is run by C students. 25184 -- Al McGuire 25185% 25186I think the world would be a more peaceful place if people 25187could just keep their fingers out of the fortune files. 25188 -- Jordan K. Hubbard 25189% 25190I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect." 25191I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone 25192say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer 25193effect." 25194 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 25195% 25196I think, therefore I am... I think. 25197% 25198I think there's a world market for about five computers. 25199 -- attr. Thomas J. Watson, Chairman of the Board, IBM (1943) 25200% 25201I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for 25202paneling. 25203 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 25204% 25205I think we are in Rats Alley where the dead men lost their bones. 25206 -- T. S. Eliot 25207% 25208I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown 25209... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think 25210we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today. 25211When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we 25212are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was 25213driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa 25214Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin, 25215were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous 25216conversation ... 25217 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 25218% 25219I think we're all Bozos on this bus. 25220 -- The Firesign Theatre 25221% 25222I think we're in trouble. 25223 -- Han Solo 25224% 25225I think your opinions are reasonable, 25226except for the one about my mental instability. 25227 -- Psychology Professor, Fairfield University 25228% 25229"I thought that you said you were 20 years old!" 25230"As a programmer, yes," she replied, 25231"And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!" 25232"You said you were blonde, but you lied!" 25233Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too, 25234They had so much in common, you'd say. 25235They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks, 25236And prompts that were cute or risque'. 25237He sent her a picture of his brother Sam, 25238She sent one from some past high school day, 25239And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives, 25240If they hadn't met in L.A. 25241"Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust. 25242He answered, "Your armpit's a beard!" 25243And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest 25244If you were not so totally weird!" 25245If she had not said what he wanted to hear, 25246And he had not done just the same, 25247They'd have been far more honest, and never have met, 25248And would not have had fun with the game. 25249 -- Judith Schrier, 25250 "Face to Face After Six Months of Electronic Mail" 25251% 25252I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces, 25253working for scale. 25254 -- The Firesign Theatre, 25255 "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger" 25256% 25257I thought YOU silenced the guard! 25258% 25259I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a 25260pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises! 25261 -- Winston Churchill 25262% 25263I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle 25264of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes. 25265It's about Russia. 25266 -- Woody Allen 25267% 25268I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce 25269desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of 25270the quest. 25271 -- Madeleine Gobeil 25272% 25273I truly wish I could be a great surgeon or philosopher or author or anything 25274constructive, but in all honesty I'd rather turn up my amplifier full blast 25275and drown myself in the noise. 25276 -- Charles Schmid, the "Tucson Murderer" 25277% 25278I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty. 25279 -- J. P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari 25280% 25281I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity. 25282 -- Bill Veeck 25283% 25284I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out. 25285 -- Judge Harold T. Stone 25286% 25287I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. 25288The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80 25289degrees today," and I said "Oops." 25290 25291In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so 25292I never have to go upstairs. 25293 25294I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in 25295front of it in only eight minutes. 25296 -- Steven Wright 25297% 25298I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much. 25299 -- Carole Wallach 25300% 25301I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well. 25302 -- Woodrow Wilson 25303% 25304I use technology in order to hate it more properly. 25305 -- Nam June Paik 25306% 25307I used to be a rebel in my youth. 25308This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned. 25309Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own 25310problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by 25311a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device. 25312I go to my analyst and we work it out. You have no idea how much better 25313I feel these days. 25314 -- J. Feiffer 25315% 25316I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure. 25317% 25318I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused. 25319 -- Elvis Costello 25320% 25321I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. 25322 -- Mae West 25323% 25324I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me, 25325I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see, 25326I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen, 25327With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down, 25328And I'm, uh, feelin' mean, 25329 No more, Mr. Nice Guy, 25330 No more, Mr. Clean, 25331 No more, Mr. Nice Guy, 25332They say "He's sick, he's obscene". 25333 25334My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes, 25335Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide, 25336I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose, 25337The reverend Smithy, he recognized me, 25338And punched me in the nose, he said, 25339(chorus) 25340He said "You're sick, you're obscene". 25341 -- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" 25342% 25343I used to have a drinking problem. 25344Now I love the stuff. 25345% 25346I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had 25347to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway. 25348 25349I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks 25350like I'm the only one moving. 25351 25352I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know 25353the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going 25354to be out that long." 25355 25356I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now 25357my car goes 500 miles an hour. 25358 -- Steven Wright 25359% 25360I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because 25361I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no 25362more mature than I am. 25363% 25364I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. 25365% 25366I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme 25367foolishness. I no longer thought that. There's nothing foolish in 25368loving anyone. Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish. 25369 -- Rita Mae Brown 25370% 25371I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my 25372body. Then I realized who was telling me this. 25373 -- Emo Phillips 25374% 25375I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere 25376near the place. 25377 -- Steven Wright 25378% 25379I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to 25380animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for 25381anything connected with society except that which makes the roads 25382safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men and women 25383warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer. 25384 -- Brendan Behan 25385% 25386I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you. 25387% 25388I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law. 25389 -- Martin Luther King, Jr. 25390% 25391I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St. 25392Elsewhere", won't scream, "FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR 'HEE 25393HAW'!!" 25394 -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County" 25395% 25396I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad. 25397 -- Freud 25398% 25399I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located? 25400% 25401I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued 25402endangered species. It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of 25403pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of 25404bricks and mortar. But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an 25405excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically 25406critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud 25407the earth. 25408 Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing" 25409% 25410I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I 25411ordered French Toast in the Renaissance. 25412 -- Steven Wright 25413% 25414I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know 25415anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is 25416a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows 25417up. 25418 -- Will Rogers 25419% 25420I was born in a barrel of butcher knives 25421Trouble I love and peace I despise 25422Wild horses kicked me in my side 25423Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died. 25424 -- Bo Diddley 25425% 25426I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I 25427put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured 25428what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I 25429should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to 25430get off my driveway. 25431 -- Steven Wright 25432% 25433I was eatin' some chop suey, 25434With a lady in St. Louie, 25435When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door. 25436And that knocker, he says, "Honey, 25437Roll this rocker out some money, 25438Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor." 25439 -- Mr. Miggle 25440% 25441I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. 25442I said I didn't know. 25443 -- Mark Twain 25444% 25445I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live 25446around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks." 25447I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." 25448She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a 25449chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so 25450you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like 25451that all the time." 25452 -- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly" 25453% 25454I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in 25455the mouth by Miss Congeniality. 25456 -- Phyllis Diller 25457% 25458I was in accord with the system so long as it 25459permitted me to function effectively. 25460 -- Albert Speer 25461% 25462I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all 25463these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these 25464kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and 25465I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been 25466avoiding the beach. 25467 -- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach" 25468% 25469I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a 25470lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number. 25471 -- Steven Wright 25472% 25473I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold. A thief is 25474anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or 25475breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnaping somebody. He really 25476gives some effort to it. A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum. He 25477works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot. 25478Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work 25479for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun. They offered me 25480two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed. I 25481was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line. But 25482I wouldn't consider it. "I'm a thief," I said. "I'm no lousy hoodlum." 25483 -- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One" 25484% 25485I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending 25486their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to 25487buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike. 25488 -- Emile Henry Gauvreay 25489% 25490I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full 25491house and four people died. 25492 -- Steven Wright 25493% 25494I was the best I ever had. 25495 -- Woody Allen 25496% 25497I was toilet-trained at gunpoint. 25498 -- Billy Braver 25499% 25500I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a 25501desk. Then I saw her. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall 25502because I was on the third floor. She rolled her deep blue eyes towards 25503me. I picked them up and rolled them back. We kissed. She screamed. I 25504took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again. 25505% 25506I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth. 25507 -- Chico Marx 25508% 25509I watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave it 25510in the room alone. 25511% 25512I went home with a waitress, 25513The way I always do. 25514How I was I to know? 25515She was with the Russians too. 25516 25517I was gambling in Havana, 25518I took a little risk. 25519Send lawyers, guns, and money, 25520Dad, get me out of this. 25521 -- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money" 25522% 25523I went into a general store ... they wouldn't sell me anything specific. 25524 -- Steven Wright 25525% 25526I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it. 25527If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it. 25528It's the truth. 25529 -- Charlie Chaplin 25530% 25531I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained 25532it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass 25533stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. 25534I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be 25535absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had 25536developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case. 25537Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's 25538temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I 25539chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to 25540the point where it would not run at all. 25541 -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black 25542 Holes and the Fate of Stars" 25543% 25544I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle. 25545I said "Hi, what's happenin'?" 25546He said "Nothin'." 25547Try to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm; 25548As if you just squashed a cop. 25549 -- Arlo Guthrie, "Motorcycle Song" 25550% 25551I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. 25552Great song. 25553 -- Fred Reuss 25554% 25555I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any 25556questions, I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the 25557speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen? 25558 25559He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work 25560for him then. 25561 -- Steven Wright 25562% 25563I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20 25564years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors 25565would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they 25566all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!" 25567 25568Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had 25569been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors. 25570 25571There was a computer in every doorknob. 25572 -- Danny Hillis 25573% 25574I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life. 25575I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career 25576of a robber. 25577 -- Tiburcio Vasquez 25578% 25579I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in 25580the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't 25581included. 25582 -- Steven Wright 25583% 25584I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the 25585statues that are in all the other museums. 25586 -- Steven Wright 25587% 25588I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that 25589it took seven others to beat him! 25590% 25591I will always love the false image I had of you. 25592% 25593I will follow the good side right to the fire, 25594but not into it if I can help it. 25595 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne 25596% 25597I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the 25598year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The 25599Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out 25600the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the 25601writing on this stone! 25602 -- Charles Dickens 25603% 25604I will make you shorter by the head. 25605 -- Elizabeth I 25606% 25607I will never lie to you. 25608% 25609I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own. 25610% 25611I will not drink! 25612But if I do... 25613I will not get drunk! 25614But if I do... 25615I will not in public! 25616But if I do... 25617I will not fall down! 25618But if I do... 25619I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge. 25620% 25621I will not forget you. 25622% 25623I will not play at tug o' war. 25624I'd rather play at hug o' war, 25625Where everyone hugs 25626Instead of tugs, 25627Where everyone giggles 25628And rolls on the rug, 25629Where everyone kisses, 25630And everyone grins, 25631And everyone cuddles, 25632And everyone wins. 25633 -- Shel Silverstein, "Hug O' War" 25634% 25635I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new 25636one every day. 25637 -- Heine 25638% 25639I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, 25640we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad. 25641 -- Jack Handey 25642% 25643I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula 25644and Superman away. 25645 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 25646% 25647I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. 25648There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work. 25649 -- Gallagher 25650% 25651I wish you humans would leave me alone. 25652% 25653I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks. 25654% 25655I woke up a feelin' mean 25656went down to play the slot machine 25657the wheels turned round, 25658and the letters read 25659"Better head back to Tennessee Jed" 25660 -- Grateful Dead 25661% 25662I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment 25663had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate, 25664"Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and 25665replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?" 25666 -- Steven Wright 25667% 25668"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I 25669know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must 25670be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people 25671I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles." 25672 -- Bastian B. Bux 25673% 25674I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement? 25675 -- Tramp, "Lady and the Tramp" 25676% 25677I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, 25678"If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" 25679 -- Steven Wright 25680% 25681I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one, 25682but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already 25683because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even 25684after we've been home a long while. 25685 -- Casey Stengel 25686% 25687I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women, 25688only they won't let me raise my voice. 25689 -- Winkle 25690% 25691I would have made a good pope. 25692 -- Richard M. Nixon 25693% 25694I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have 25695gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the 25696missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme. 25697 -- Oliver North 25698% 25699I would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a block 25700of wax... and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the 25701image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we 25702forget or do not know. 25703 -- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191 25704 25705 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 25706 referring to image activation and termination.] 25707% 25708I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in 25709understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good, 25710our tasks will be solved. 25711 -- Warren G. Harding 25712% 25713I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word "fair" in connection 25714with income tax policies. 25715 -- William F. Buckley 25716% 25717I would like to know 25718What I was fencing in 25719And what I was fencing out. 25720 -- Robert Frost 25721% 25722I would much rather have men ask why 25723I have no statue, than why I have one. 25724 -- Marcus Porcius Cato 25725% 25726I would not like to be a political leader in Russia. They never know when 25727they're being taped. 25728 -- Richard M. Nixon 25729 25730I love America. You always hurt the one you love. 25731 -- David Frye impersonating Nixon 25732% 25733I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house 25734and be above ground than reign among the dead. 25735 -- Achilles, "The Odyssey", XI, 489-91 25736% 25737I would rather say that a desire to drive fast 25738sports cars is what sets man apart from the animals. 25739% 25740I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!! 25741% 25742I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole. 25743% 25744I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity 25745for everyone, but they've always worked for me. 25746 -- Hunter S. Thompson 25747% 25748I wrecked trains because I like to see people die. I like to hear 25749them scream. 25750 -- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak", 25751 escaped prison 1937, not heard from since 25752% 25753I 25754am 25755not 25756very 25757happy 25758acting 25759pleased 25760whenever 25761prominent 25762scientists 25763overmagnify 25764intellectual 25765enlightenment 25766% 25767IBM: 25768 [International Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty 25769 Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer 25770 marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware 25771 and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy 25772 of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM 25773 employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General. 25774% 25775IBM: 25776 I've Been Moved 25777 Idiots Become Managers 25778 Idiots Buy More 25779 Impossible to Buy Machine 25780 Incredibly Big Machine 25781 Industry's Biggest Mistake 25782 International Brotherhood of Mercenaries 25783 It Boggles the Mind 25784 It's Better Manually 25785 Itty-Bitty Machines 25786% 25787IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks, 25788who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes... 25789 -- with regrets to Douglas Adams 25790% 25791IBM had a PL/I, 25792 Its syntax worse than JOSS; 25793And everywhere this language went, 25794 It was a total loss. 25795% 25796IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use. 25797% 25798IBM Pollyanna Principle: 25799 Machines should work. People should think. 25800% 25801IBM's original motto: 25802 Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum. 25803% 25804I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly. 25805 -- John Denver 25806 25807[I saw an eagle fly once. Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy. Ed.] 25808% 25809I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. 25810% 25811I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse. 25812 -- Groucho Marx 25813% 25814I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee. 25815 -- Princess Leia Organa 25816% 25817I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack, 25818above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even 25819feel it. 25820 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 25821% 25822I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now. 25823% 25824I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the 25825whole field to private industry. 25826 -- Joseph Heller 25827% 25828I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got 25829to undo it. 25830% 25831I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat. 25832% 25833I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I 25834snore. 25835% 25836I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in 25837"Y". 25838% 25839I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my 25840blender. 25841% 25842I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my 25843garage door. 25844% 25845I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from 25846Julian to Gregorian. 25847% 25848I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for 25849static cling. 25850% 25851I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered. 25852% 25853I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my 25854cottage cheese sculpture. 25855% 25856I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving. 25857% 25858I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night. 25859% 25860I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma 25861transplant. 25862% 25863I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV. 25864% 25865I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never 25866came back. 25867% 25868I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to stay 25869tuned. 25870% 25871I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that 25872need worrying about. 25873% 25874I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair. 25875 -- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton" 25876% 25877I'd never cry if I did find 25878 A blue whale in my soup... 25879Nor would I mind a porcupine 25880 Inside a chicken coop. 25881Yes life is fine when things combine, 25882 Like ham in beef chow mein... 25883But lord, this time I think I mind, 25884 They've put acid in my rain. 25885 -- Milo Bloom 25886% 25887I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member. 25888 -- Groucho Marx 25889% 25890I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough. 25891Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had. 25892 -- Brenda Starr 25893% 25894I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heaven. 25895% 25896I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy. 25897% 25898I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy. 25899 -- Fred Allen 25900 25901[Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson. Ed.] 25902% 25903I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42. 25904 -- W. C. Fields 25905% 25906I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around. 25907% 25908I'd rather laugh with the sinners, 25909Than cry with the saints, 25910The sinners are much more fun! 25911 -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young" 25912% 25913I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner. 25914% 25915Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like 25916solitary confinement. 25917% 25918Identify your visitor. 25919% 25920Idiot Box, n.: 25921 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the 25922 stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. 25923 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 25924% 25925Idiot, n.: 25926 A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human 25927 affairs has always been dominant and controlling. 25928 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 25929% 25930IDLENESS: 25931 Leisure gone to seed. 25932% 25933Idleness is the holiday of fools. 25934% 25935If 10 years from now, when you are doing something quick 25936and dirty, you suddenly visualize that I am looking over your 25937shoulders and say to yourself, "Dijkstra would not have liked this", 25938well that would be enough immortality for me. 25939 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 25940% 25941If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. 25942 -- Roy Santoro 25943% 25944If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape 25945at about 30 miles/second. 25946 -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming 25947% 25948If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far. 25949 -- Paul White 25950% 25951If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus 25952forecast is a camel's behind. 25953 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 25954% 25955If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars? 25956% 25957If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing their hair. If this doesn't 25958work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child. 25959% 25960If A equals success, then the formula is _A = _X + _Y + _Z. _X is work. _Y 25961is play. _Z is keep your mouth shut. 25962 -- Albert Einstein 25963% 25964If A fool persists in his folly he shall become wise. 25965 -- William Blake 25966% 25967If a group of N persons implements a COBOL compiler, 25968there will be N-1 passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager. 25969 -- T. Cheatham 25970% 25971If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he 25972really a guru at all? 25973 -- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals" 25974% 25975If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four 25976hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where 25977it votes guilty. 25978 -- Joseph C. Goulden 25979% 25980IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him 25981is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing 25982to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did." 25983 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 25984% 25985If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake 25986him up. 25987% 25988If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism. 25989 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 25990% 25991If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed. 25992 -- Thomas Wolfe 25993% 25994If a man is not a liberal at 25, he has no heart. 25995If he's not a conservative by 45, he has no brain. 25996% 25997If a man loses his reverence for any part of life, 25998he will lose his reverence for all of life. 25999 -- Albert Schweitzer 26000% 26001If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the 26002separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, 26003it might well prolong his life. 26004 -- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877 26005% 26006If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, 26007... it expects what never was and never will be. 26008 -- Thomas Jefferson 26009% 26010If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; 26011and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it 26012will lose that, too. 26013 -- W. Somerset Maugham 26014% 26015If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better, 26016and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can 26017convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health. 26018 -- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble" 26019% 26020If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country. 26021% 26022If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have 26023dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to 26024maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it 26025must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf. 26026 -- Donald A. Metz 26027% 26028If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce 26029love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide? 26030 -- Saint Augustine 26031% 26032If a small child asks you where rain comes from, I think a reasonable response 26033is simply that "God is crying." And, if he asks you why God is crying, the 26034only possible answer is "Probably because of something you did." 26035% 26036If a system is administered wisely, 26037its users will be content. 26038They enjoy hacking their code 26039and don't waste time implementing 26040labor-saving shell scripts. 26041Since they dearly love their accounts, 26042they aren't interested in other machines. 26043There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp, 26044but these don't access any hosts. 26045There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware, 26046but nobody ever uses them. 26047People enjoy reading their mail, 26048take pleasure in being with their newsgroups, 26049spend weekends working at their terminals, 26050delight in the doings at the site. 26051And even though the next system is so close 26052that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps, 26053they are content to die of old age 26054without ever having gone to see it. 26055% 26056If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good attitude. 26057If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to playing the 26058game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- unless, of 26059course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager can make 26060goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry? 26061 -- Sparky Anderson 26062% 26063If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly. 26064 -- G. K. Chesterton 26065% 26066If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for. 26067 -- W. C. Fields 26068% 26069If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation? 26070% 26071If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever 26072to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude 26073that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine. 26074 -- Rob Stampfli 26075% 26076If all be true that I do think, 26077There be five reasons why one should drink; 26078Good friends, good wine, or being dry, 26079Or lest we should be by-and-by, 26080Or any other reason why. 26081% 26082If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular error. 26083 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 26084% 26085If all else fails, lower your standards. 26086% 26087If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister? 26088% 26089If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot 26090platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave 26091that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska. 26092% 26093If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end -- I 26094wouldn't be a bit surprised. 26095 -- Dorothy Parker 26096% 26097If all the seas were ink, 26098And all the reeds were pens, 26099And all the skies were parchment, 26100And all the men could write, 26101These would not suffice 26102To write down all the red tape 26103Of this Government. 26104% 26105If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. 26106 -- Paul Beatty 26107% 26108If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a 26109conclusion. 26110 -- William Baumol 26111% 26112If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner, 26113and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops, 26114not just because you fear she might be crazy. If she tells her tale on 26115camera, you might listen. Watching strangers on television, even 26116responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged - voyeurs 26117collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community. Never 26118have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little. 26119 -- Wendy Kaminer commenting on testimonial television 26120 in "I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional". 26121% 26122If an S and an I and an O and a U 26123With an X at the end spell Su; 26124And an E and a Y and an E spell I, 26125Pray what is a speller to do? 26126Then, if also an S and an I and a G 26127And an HED spell side, 26128There's nothing much left for a speller to do 26129But to go commit siouxeyesighed. 26130 -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament" 26131% 26132If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last 26133car he ever lays down in front of. 26134 -- George Wallace 26135% 26136If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified, 26137let him become president of Harvard. 26138 -- Edward Holyoke 26139% 26140If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible. 26141We're offering a substantial reward. He's a sable collie, with three legs, 26142blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his 26143tail. He's been recently fixed. Answers to "Lucky". 26144% 26145If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment. 26146% 26147If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 26148% 26149If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool. 26150% 26151If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success. 26152% 26153If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. 26154% 26155If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. 26156% 26157If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. 26158 -- W. E. Hickson 26159% 26160If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. 26161Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. 26162 -- W. C. Fields 26163 26164[Also attributed to Roy Mengot. Ed.] 26165% 26166If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer. 26167% 26168If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average. 26169 -- Leonard Levinson 26170% 26171If at first you fricassee, fry, fry again. 26172% 26173If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is 26174identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a 26175collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then 26176I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as 26177plentiful as blackberries. 26178 -- Leslie Stephen 26179% 26180If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four 26181tellers? 26182% 26183If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by 26184some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse. 26185 -- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837 26186% 26187If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing 26188but illegal purposes. 26189 -- J. Edgar Hoover 26190% 26191If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question. 26192% 26193If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour. 26194 -- William Blake 26195% 26196If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James 26197Watt's office. 26198 -- Wayne Shannon 26199% 26200If coke is a joke, I'm waiting around for the next line. 26201% 26202If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will 26203serve us right. 26204 -- Alistair Cooke 26205% 26206If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television? 26207% 26208If England treats her criminals the way she has treated me, she doesn't 26209deserve to have any. 26210 -- Oscar Wilde, reportedly while standing handcuffed in a 26211 driving rain, waiting for transport to prison upon his 26212 conviction for sodomy. 26213% 26214If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from? 26215% 26216If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, 26217there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses 26218is a fraud. 26219 -- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged" 26220% 26221If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can 26222do it through the body of someone you love. Anytime. Anywhere. Without 26223no middleman. 26224 -- Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody" 26225% 26226If every kid had a funny tooth to bite down on whenever the world disappointed 26227him, prussic acid could solve our population problems in one generation. 26228 -- G. C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth" 26229% 26230If everybody minded their own business, the world would go 26231around a deal faster. 26232 -- The Duchess; Lewis Carroll, 26233 "Through the Looking-Glass, 26234 and What Alice Found There" (1871) 26235% 26236If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane. 26237% 26238If everything on the road of life seems to 26239be coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 26240% 26241If everything seems to be going well, 26242you have obviously overlooked something. 26243% 26244If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing. 26245 -- Bertrand Russell 26246% 26247If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up. 26248% 26249If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there 26250is an exception to every rule. If we accept "For every rule there is an 26251exception" as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception 26252after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of 26253exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there 26254can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception. 26255 -- Bill Boquist 26256% 26257If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him. 26258 -- Voltaire, "Epitres, XCVI" 26259% 26260If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three 26261to a can. 26262% 26263If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer. 26264% 26265If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports. 26266% 26267If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire. 26268% 26269If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet. 26270% 26271If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit Ears. 26272% 26273If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their Heads. 26274% 26275If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with 26276green, baggy skin. 26277% 26278If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. 26279% 26280If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to 26281invent it. 26282% 26283If God had really intended men to fly, 26284he'd make it easier to get to the airport. 26285 -- George Winters 26286% 26287If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would 26288have made them cute and furry. 26289 -- Dave Barry 26290% 26291If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 26292only ten apostles. 26293% 26294If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger 26295hands. 26296% 26297If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid, 26298He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination. 26299% 26300If God is dead, who will save the Queen? 26301% 26302If God is One, what is bad? 26303 -- Charles Manson 26304% 26305If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions? 26306% 26307If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows. 26308 -- Yiddish saying 26309% 26310If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs? 26311 -- Marvin Kitman 26312% 26313If God wanted us to have a President, 26314He would have sent us a candidate. 26315 -- Jerry Dreshfield 26316% 26317If graphics hackers are so smart, 26318why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint? 26319% 26320If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry. 26321 -- Chinese proverb 26322% 26323If he had only learnt a little less, how 26324infinitely better he might have taught much more! 26325% 26326If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days 26327and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to 26328think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate. 26329 -- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia" 26330% 26331If he should ever change his faith, 26332it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God. 26333% 26334If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell. 26335 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 26336% 26337If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive! 26338 -- Samuel Goldwyn 26339% 26340If I could read your mind, love, 26341What a tale your thoughts could tell, 26342Just like a paperback novel, 26343The kind the drugstore sells, 26344When you reach the part where the heartaches come, 26345The hero would be me, 26346Heroes often fail, 26347You won't read that book again, because 26348 the ending is just too hard to take. 26349 26350I walk away, like a movie star, 26351Who gets burned in a three way script, 26352Enter number two, 26353A movie queen to play the scene 26354Of bringing all the good things out in me, 26355But for now, love, let's be real 26356I never thought I could act this way, 26357And I've got to say that I just don't get it, 26358I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone 26359And I just can't get it back... 26360 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind" 26361% 26362If I could stick my pen in my heart, 26363I would spill it all over the stage. 26364Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya, 26365Would you think the boy was strange? 26366Ain't he strange? 26367... 26368If I could stick a knife in my heart, 26369Suicide right on the stage, 26370Would it be enough for your teenage lust, 26371Would it help to ease the pain? 26372Ease your brain? 26373 -- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll" 26374% 26375If I 'cp /bin/csh /dev/audio' shouldn't I hear the ocean? 26376 -- Danno Coppock 26377% 26378If I don't drive around the park, 26379I'm pretty sure to make my mark. 26380If I'm in bed each night by ten, 26381I may get back my looks again. 26382If I abstain from fun and such, 26383I'll probably amount to much; 26384But I shall stay the way I am, 26385Because I do not give a damn. 26386 -- Dorothy Parker 26387% 26388If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture. 26389% 26390If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around. 26391Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's 26392as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for 26393you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it. 26394 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. 26395% 26396If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers. 26397% 26398IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's 26399got to be a better way. 26400 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 26401% 26402If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the 26403plantation and go home. 26404 -- Eugene P. Gallagher 26405% 26406If I had any humility I would be perfect. 26407 -- Ted Turner 26408% 26409If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from 26410a laboratory jar at Harvard. 26411 -- Frank Sinatra 26412 26413AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS. 26414 -- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine 26415% 26416If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time. I 26417would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this 26418trip. I know of very few things I would take seriously. I would be crazier. 26419I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets. I'd 26420travel and see. I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones. 26421You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly 26422and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I have had my moments and, 26423if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to 26424have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many 26425years ahead each day. I have been one of those people who never go anywhere 26426without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute. 26427If I had it to do over again, I would go places and do things and travel 26428lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed 26429earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would play hooky 26430more. I probably wouldn't make such good grades, but I'd learn more. I would 26431ride on more merry-go-rounds. I'd pick more daisies. 26432% 26433If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith. 26434 -- Albert Einstein 26435% 26436If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. 26437 -- Tallulah Bankhead 26438% 26439If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps. 26440% 26441If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the 26442shoulders of giants. 26443 -- Isaac Newton 26444 26445In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with 26446the giants on whose shoulders we stand. 26447 -- Gerald Holton 26448 26449If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on 26450my shoulders. 26451 -- Hal Abelson 26452 26453Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders. 26454 -- Gauss 26455 26456Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists 26457stand on each other's toes. 26458 -- Richard Hamming 26459 26460It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders. If 26461this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and 26462software engineers dig each other's graves. 26463 -- Unknown 26464% 26465If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it. 26466 -- Bob Hope 26467% 26468If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks, 26469I would send a barrel or so to my other generals. 26470 -- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant 26471% 26472If I love you, what business is it of yours? 26473 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 26474% 26475If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I 26476just couldn't help myself. 26477 -- Adolf Hitler 26478% 26479If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it? 26480 -- Alan Parsons Project 26481% 26482If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think 26483I'm an engineer working on something. 26484 -- S. R. McElroy 26485% 26486If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? 26487% 26488If I traveled to the end of the rainbow 26489As Dame Fortune did intend, 26490Murphy would be there to tell me 26491The pot's at the other end. 26492 -- Bert Whitney 26493% 26494If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form. 26495% 26496If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could 26497work for with a great deal of enjoyment. 26498 -- Douglas Jerrold 26499% 26500If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it 26501because I can't swim. 26502 -- Bob Stanfield 26503% 26504If I'd known computer science was going to be like this, 26505I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star. 26506 -- G. Hirst 26507% 26508If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? 26509% 26510If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top? 26511 -- Jerry Muscha 26512% 26513If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the 26514answer can be obtained by simple inspection. 26515% 26516If in doubt, mumble. 26517% 26518If it ain't baroque, don't fix it. 26519% 26520If it ain't broke, don't fix it. 26521% 26522If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh. 26523 -- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls 26524% 26525If it happens once, it's a bug. 26526If it happens twice, it's a feature. 26527If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy. 26528% 26529If it has syntax, it isn't user-friendly. 26530% 26531If it heals good, say it. 26532% 26533If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will 26534answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary. 26535 -- Samuel Clemens 26536% 26537If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven. 26538% 26539If it smells it's chemistry, if it crawls it's biology, if it doesn't work 26540it's physics. 26541% 26542If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with. No more appeasement. 26543 -- Ronald Reagan 26544% 26545If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples. 26546% 26547If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. 26548% 26549If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler. 26550% 26551If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable. 26552 -- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables" 26553% 26554If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost, 26555I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down 26556the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding- 26557forth old bore who expected every hero-worshiping adenoidal little twerp 26558of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw. 26559 -- James Dickey 26560% 26561If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done. 26562% 26563If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. 26564% 26565If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune. 26566% 26567If it's worth doing, do it for money. 26568% 26569If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money. 26570% 26571If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money. 26572% 26573If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. 26574They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun 26575of it. 26576 -- Thomas Carlyle 26577% 26578If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to 26579send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the 26580other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* pieces 26581of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, why 26582they'll think something *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, 26583they'll just *know* that uunet is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep 26584them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ... 26585 -- Leith (Casey) Leedom, apologies to Arlo Guthrie 26586% 26587If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital, 26588had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better. 26589 -- Karl Marx's Mother 26590% 26591If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. 26592% 26593If life is a stage, I want some better lighting. 26594% 26595If life is merely a joke, the question 26596still remains: for whose amusement? 26597% 26598If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else? 26599% 26600If little else, the brain is an educational toy. 26601 -- Tom Robbins 26602% 26603If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women 26604you've got in the house. 26605 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 26606% 26607If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? 26608 -- Lily Tomlin 26609% 26610If Love Were Oil, I'd Be About A Quart Low 26611 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard 26612% 26613If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG. 26614 -- Phil Lapsley 26615% 26616If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T. 26617% 26618If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform. 26619 -- Mary Wilson Little 26620% 26621If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by 26622the page number. 26623% 26624If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would 26625be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies. 26626 -- Frances Rodman 26627% 26628If men are not afraid to die, 26629it is of no avail to threaten them with death. 26630 26631If men live in constant fear of dying, 26632And if breaking the law means a man will be killed, 26633Who will dare to break the law? 26634 26635There is always an official executioner. 26636If you try to take his place, 26637It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood. 26638If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter, 26639 you will only hurt your hand. 26640 -- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74" 26641% 26642If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it. 26643% 26644If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would 26645be a merrier world. 26646 -- J. R. R. Tolkien 26647% 26648If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think 26649little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and 26650Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination. 26651 -- Thomas De Quincey (1785-1859) 26652% 26653If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and 26654over again, there is no use in reading it at all. 26655 -- Oscar Wilde 26656% 26657If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection 26658of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching 26659in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not 26660far to seek. ... The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the 26661various denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor, 26662it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that, if any 26663connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival denomination would 26664get an unfair advantage. 26665 -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908 26666% 26667If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants. 26668 -- Albert Einstein 26669% 26670If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out. 26671 -- Oscar Wilde, 26672 "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use of the Young" 26673% 26674If only Dionysus were alive! Where would he eat? 26675 -- Woody Allen 26676% 26677If only God would give me some clear sign! 26678Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank. 26679 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 26680% 26681If only I could be respected without having to be respectable. 26682% 26683If only you had a personality instead of an attitude. 26684% 26685If only you knew she loved you, you could 26686face the uncertainty of whether you love her. 26687% 26688If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough. 26689% 26690If parents would only realize how they bore their children. 26691 -- George Bernard Shaw 26692% 26693If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, 26694he should see how bad it is with representation. 26695% 26696If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, 26697then we are a sorry lot indeed. 26698 -- Albert Einstein 26699% 26700If people concentrated on the really important things in life, 26701there'd be a shortage of fishing poles. 26702 -- Doug Larson 26703% 26704If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off. 26705 -- Edward E. Hippensteel 26706 26707[What brand of ink? Ed.] 26708% 26709If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they 26710will take sandwiches. 26711 -- Lord Boyd-orr 26712 26713Eats first, morals after. 26714 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera" 26715% 26716If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated, 26717I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs. 26718 -- Hermann Goering 26719% 26720If people see that you mean them no harm, 26721they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten! 26722% 26723If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice? 26724% 26725If preceded by a '-', the timezone shall be east of the Prime 26726Meridian; otherwise, it shall be west (which may be indicated by 26727an optional preceding '+'). 26728 -- POSIX 2001 26729 26730The "+" or "-" indicates whether the time-of-day is ahead of 26731(i.e., east of) or behind (i.e., west of) Universal Time. 26732 -- RFC 2822 26733% 26734If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters. 26735 -- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn" 26736% 26737If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress? 26738% 26739If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst. 26740% 26741If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit? 26742% 26743If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers. 26744 -- Tom Wicker 26745% 26746If researchers wrote nursery rhymes... 26747 26748Little Miss Muffet sat on her gluteal region, 26749Eating components of soured milk. 26750On at least one occasion, 26751 along came an arachnid and sat down beside her, 26752Or at least in her vicinity, 26753And caused her to feel an overwhelming, but not paralyzing, fear, 26754Which motivated the patient to leave the area rather quickly. 26755 -- Ann Melugin Williams 26756% 26757If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with 26758pool cues, who would win? 26759 1) Ricky Schroder 26760 2) Gary Coleman 26761 3) The television viewing public 26762 -- David Letterman 26763% 26764If sarcasm were posted on Usenet, would anybody notice? 26765 -- James Nicoll 26766% 26767If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of 26768arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the 26769physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker 26770entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability. 26771 -- Vannevar Bush 26772% 26773If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many 26774books on how to? 26775 -- Bette Midler 26776% 26777If she had not been cupric in her ions, 26778Her shape ovoidal, 26779Their romance might have flourished. 26780But he built tetrahedral in his shape, 26781His ions ferric, 26782Love could not help but die, 26783Uncatalyzed, inert, and undernourished. 26784% 26785If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom. 26786 -- Robert Frost 26787% 26788If some people didn't tell you, 26789you'd never know they'd been away on vacation. 26790% 26791If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied 26792harder. 26793 -- Pope John Paul I 26794% 26795If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't. 26796% 26797If something has not yet gone wrong then it would 26798ultimately have been beneficial for it to go wrong. 26799% 26800If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the 26801way they do? 26802% 26803If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem. 26804 -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234 26805% 26806If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would 26807presumably flunk it. 26808 -- Stanley Garn 26809% 26810If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream 26811and never be our destiny. 26812 -- Rene de Visme Williamson 26813% 26814If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a 26815Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, 26816and explode once a year killing everyone inside. 26817 -- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld 26818% 26819If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, 26820this would be a better world. 26821 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" 26822% 26823If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. 26824 -- Norm Schryer 26825% 26826If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to 26827get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. 26828See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving 26829the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting 26830that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The 26831college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious 26832and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to 26833rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective. 26834Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure 26835interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by 26836opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for 26837himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for 26838boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor. 26839 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 26840% 26841If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five 26842steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same 26843principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful 26844feature, that. 26845 -- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990 26846% 26847If the ends don't justify the means, then what does? 26848 -- Robert Moses 26849% 26850If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical 26851would have something to do with a shortage of flowers. 26852 -- Doug Larson 26853 26854[Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.] 26855% 26856If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts. 26857 -- Albert Einstein 26858% 26859If the future isn't what it used to be, does that 26860mean that the past is subject to change in times to come? 26861% 26862If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough. 26863Twice, it's much too much. Three times, it's the story of your life. 26864% 26865If the government doesn't trust the people, why 26866doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people? 26867% 26868If the grass is greener on other side of fence, 26869consider what may be fertilizing it. 26870% 26871If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, 26872we would be so simple we couldn't. 26873% 26874If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for me! 26875 -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920) 26876% 26877If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation, 26878I would have recommended something simpler. 26879 -- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile, 26880 Commenting on the Almagest, by Ptolemy. 26881% 26882If the master dies and the disciple grieves, 26883the lives of both have been wasted. 26884% 26885If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched, 26886then this sentence would not be false. 26887% 26888If the Nazi's had television with satellite technology, we'd all be 26889goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible. 26890 -- Frank Zappa 26891% 26892If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances 26893are 50-50 it will. 26894% 26895If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads. 26896 -- Anatole France 26897% 26898If the rich could pay the poor to die for them, 26899what a living the poor could make! 26900% 26901If the shoe fits, it's ugly. 26902% 26903If the standard says that [things] depend on the phase of the moon, 26904the programmer should be prepared to look out the window as necessary. 26905 -- Chris Torek 26906% 26907If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will. 26908% 26909If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job. 26910Let's hear it for OSI and X! With those babies in the wings, we can count 26911on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening, 26912paper folding, or something. 26913 -- C. Philip Wood 26914% 26915If the very old will remember, the very young will listen. 26916 -- Chief Dan George 26917% 26918If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. 26919If the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. 26920If the bulletin covers are in short supply, however, 26921church attendance will exceed all expectations. 26922 -- Reverend Chichester 26923% 26924If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams. 26925% 26926If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that 26927will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. 26928% 26929If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing 26930of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur 26931of this life. 26932 -- Albert Camus 26933% 26934If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it. 26935 -- Edward A. Murphy, Jr. 26936% 26937If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you 26938can't afford divorce. 26939 -- Jack Nicholson 26940% 26941If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? 26942 -- Art Hoppe 26943% 26944If there is no wind, row. 26945 -- Polish proverb 26946% 26947If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would 26948have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule. 26949 -- Saul Goodman 26950% 26951If there was any justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word. 26952% 26953If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three 26954years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law 26955school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers. 26956 -- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method 26957% 26958If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make 26959something out of you. 26960 -- Muhammad Ali 26961% 26962If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all? 26963% 26964If they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, 26965go crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I get as crude as possible. These 26966days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire 26967to crudeness... 26968 -- Johnny Mnemonic 26969% 26970If they were so inclined, they could impeach 26971him because they don't like his necktie. 26972 -- Attorney General William Saxbe 26973% 26974If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you. 26975% 26976If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it. 26977% 26978If this is timesharing, give me my share right now. 26979It's not time yet. 26980% 26981If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? 26982% 26983If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was 26984yesterday? 26985% 26986If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? 26987 -- Lily Tomlin 26988% 26989If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is 26990doing the thinking. 26991 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 26992% 26993Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his 26994helmet off. 26995 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 26996% 26997I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign 26998itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon. 26999 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 27000% 27001If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it. 27002 -- Ernest Hemingway 27003% 27004If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely. 27005% 27006If voting could change the system, it would be illegal. 27007If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal. 27008% 27009If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system. 27010% 27011If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world. 27012 -- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting" 27013% 27014If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would 27015all be millionaires. 27016 -- Abigail Van Buren 27017% 27018If we do not change our direction we are 27019likely to end up where we are headed. 27020% 27021If we don't survive, we don't do anything else. 27022 -- John Sinclair 27023% 27024If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time 27025of it. 27026 -- Oscar Wilde 27027% 27028If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our 27029findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive. 27030 -- Henry Hudson, of the Meese Pornography Commission, on 27031 criticism of its conclusion that pornography causes sex 27032 crimes. 27033% 27034If we see the light at the end of the tunnel 27035It's the light of an oncoming train. 27036 -- Robert Lowell 27037% 27038If we spoke a different language, we 27039would perceive a somewhat different world. 27040 -- Wittgenstein 27041% 27042If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty, 27043we encourage it, and involve others in our doom. 27044 -- Samuel Adams 27045% 27046If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage. 27047% 27048If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us 27049with alarm clocks. 27050% 27051If we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance. 27052% 27053If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to 27054do something else. 27055 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting" 27056% 27057If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel 27058in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary 27059qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted. 27060 -- Marguerite Emmons 27061% 27062If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves. 27063% 27064If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the 27065beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its 27066lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days 27067women behave the most like the way men behave all month long? 27068 -- Gloria Steinem 27069% 27070If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. 27071 -- Aristotle Onassis 27072% 27073If you already know what recursion is, just remember the answer. 27074Otherwise, find someone who is standing closer to Douglas Hofstadter 27075than you are; then ask him or her what recursion is. 27076 -- Andrew Plotkin 27077% 27078If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it. 27079Quit work and play for once! 27080% 27081If you analyse anything, you destroy it. 27082 -- Arthur Miller 27083% 27084If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it? 27085 -- Ann Edwards-Duff 27086% 27087If you are a police dog, where's your badge? 27088 -- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd 27089 crazy. 27090% 27091If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. 27092 -- Anton Chekov 27093% 27094If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance. 27095% 27096If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are real 27097good, you will get out of it. 27098% 27099If you are honest because honesty is the best policy, 27100your honesty is corrupt. 27101% 27102If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no 27103longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal. 27104 -- Abigail Van Buren 27105% 27106If you are not for yourself, who will be for you? 27107If you are for yourself, then what are you? 27108If not now, when? 27109% 27110If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient 27111evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than 27112words. 27113 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 27114% 27115If you are over 80 years old and accompanied 27116by your parents, we will cash your check. 27117% 27118If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business; 27119over 80 you are neglecting your golf. 27120 -- Walter Hagen 27121% 27122If you are smart enough to know that you're not 27123smart enough to be an Engineer, then you're in Business. 27124% 27125If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy. 27126% 27127If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut? 27128% 27129If you aren't rich you should always look useful. 27130 -- Louis-Ferdinand Celine 27131% 27132If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars. 27133 -- J. Paul Getty 27134% 27135If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. 27136% 27137If you can not say it, you can not whistle it, either. 27138 -- Wittgenstein 27139% 27140If you can read this, you're too close. 27141% 27142If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything. 27143% 27144If you cannot convince them, confuse them. 27145 -- Harry S. Truman 27146% 27147If you cannot in the long run tell everyone 27148what you have been doing, your doing was worthless. 27149 -- Edwin Schrodinger 27150% 27151If you can't be good, be careful. 27152If you can't be careful, give me a call. 27153% 27154If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. 27155% 27156If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. 27157% 27158If you can't read this, blame a teacher. 27159% 27160If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me. 27161 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth 27162% 27163If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious. 27164% 27165If you catch a man, throw him back. 27166 -- Woman's Liberation Slogan, c. 1975 27167% 27168If you continually give you will continually have. 27169% 27170If you could only get that wonderful feeling of 27171accomplishment without having to accomplish anything. 27172% 27173If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? 27174% 27175If you didn't have most of your friends, 27176you wouldn't have most of your problems. 27177% 27178If you didn't have to work so hard, 27179you'd have more time to be depressed. 27180% 27181If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one. 27182 -- John Galsworthy 27183% 27184If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about 27185it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else. 27186 -- Carlyle 27187% 27188If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again. 27189% 27190If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. 27191% 27192If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists 27193in the Bible. 27194 -- Mordecai Richler 27195% 27196If you don't do it, you'll never know what 27197would have happened if you had done it. 27198% 27199If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will? 27200% 27201If you don't drink it, someone else will. 27202% 27203If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours. 27204 -- Clarence Day 27205% 27206If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter. 27207 -- Freeman Dyson 27208% 27209If you don't have the time right now, 27210will you have redo right time later? 27211% 27212If you don't have time to do it right, where 27213are you going to find the time to do it over? 27214% 27215If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is. 27216% 27217If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk! 27218% 27219If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it. 27220 -- Calvin Coolidge 27221% 27222If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring. 27223 -- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking 27224% 27225If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: 27226Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet. 27227 -- Jay Leno 27228% 27229If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people. 27230% 27231If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to 27232either of you for the rest of the day. 27233% 27234If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to 27235have to get a toehold in the public eye. 27236% 27237If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program 27238an embedded system. The salient characteristic of an embedded system is that 27239it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention 27240will suffice to remove it. An embedded system can't permanently trust anything 27241it hears from the outside world. It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff 27242around, and adapt again. I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming 27243carefulness here. No. Programming an embedded system calls for undiluted 27244raging maniacal paranoia. For example, our ethernet front ends need to know 27245what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs 27246properly. How do you find out what your network number is? Easy, you ask a 27247gateway. Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network 27248numbers. Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before 27249you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all 27250over creation. Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he 27251was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong 27252network number? Never supposed to happen. Tough. Supposing that your 27253software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network 27254number than before, what's it supposed to do about it? This is not discussed 27255in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you 27256get my drift. 27257% 27258If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody 27259will. 27260% 27261If you explain something so clearly that no 27262one can possibly misunderstand, someone will. 27263% 27264If you fail to plan, plan to fail. 27265% 27266If you find a solution and become attached to it, 27267the solution may become your next problem. 27268% 27269If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed. 27270% 27271If you float on instinct alone, how can you 27272calculate the buoyancy for the computed load? 27273 -- Christopher Hodder-Williams 27274% 27275If you fool around with something long 27276enough, it will eventually break. 27277% 27278If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office. 27279% 27280If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it 27281will always do it. 27282 -- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin 27283% 27284If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is 27285make the rubble bounce. 27286 -- Winston Churchill 27287% 27288If you go out of your mind, do it quietly, 27289so as not to disturb those around you. 27290% 27291If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are 27292all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were 27293swimming. 27294 -- Jack Handey 27295% 27296If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous. 27297% 27298If you had better tools, you could more 27299effectively demonstrate your total incompetence. 27300% 27301If you had just one moment to live 27302And they granted you one special wish 27303Would you ask for something 27304Like another chance. 27305 -- Traffic, "The Low Spark of Hi Heeled Boys" 27306% 27307If you hands are clean and your cause is just 27308and your demands are reasonable, at least it's a start. 27309% 27310If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. 27311% 27312If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent. 27313 -- Bette Davis 27314% 27315If you have nothing to do, don't do it here. 27316% 27317If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a 27318new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation, 27319does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions. You must 27320make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats. 27321The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if 27322you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer 27323will be courteous as well as responsive. Since you are out of sympathy with 27324cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the 27325dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital. But bear in mind that your opinion 27326of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker. Try to keep things 27327straight. 27328 -- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style" 27329% 27330If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all. 27331 -- Spiro Agnew 27332% 27333If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it. 27334% 27335If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know. 27336 -- Louis Armstrong 27337% 27338If you have to hate, hate gently. 27339% 27340If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong. 27341% 27342If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career 27343in chartered accountancy beckons. 27344 -- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic 27345 Systems course. 27346% 27347If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a 27348hype. If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype. 27349 -- Neil Bogart 27350% 27351If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to 27352boot yourself in the posterior. 27353 -- A. J. Liebling, "The Press" 27354% 27355If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away. 27356% 27357If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of 27358rubbish into it. 27359 -- William Orton 27360% 27361If you knew what to say next, would you say it? 27362% 27363If you know the answer to a question, don't ask. 27364 -- Petersen Nesbit 27365% 27366If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end. 27367 -- Mark Twain 27368% 27369If you laid all the Elvis impersonators in the world, end to end... 27370you'd wanna run and get a steam roller, real fast. 27371 -- David Letterman 27372% 27373If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn 27374365 useless things. 27375% 27376If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was 27377probably worth it. 27378% 27379If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven. 27380% 27381If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. 27382 -- Graham Summer 27383% 27384If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat. 27385 -- Simone De Beauvoir 27386% 27387If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few 27388people die past the age of a hundred. 27389 -- George Burns 27390% 27391If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets 27392and fire them all off, wouldn't you? 27393 -- Garrison Keillor 27394% 27395If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life. 27396 -- Robert Pante, fashion consultant 27397% 27398If you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor. 27399If you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor. 27400% 27401If you lose a son you can always get another, 27402but there's only one Maltese Falcon. 27403 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" 27404% 27405If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich, 27406or famous or both. 27407% 27408If you love someone, set them free. 27409If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk. 27410% 27411If you love something set it free. If it doesn't 27412come back to you, hunt it down and kill it. 27413% 27414If you make a mistake you right it 27415immediately to the best of your ability. 27416% 27417If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year 27418with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep. 27419 -- The Best of Will Rogers 27420% 27421If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; 27422but if you really make them think they'll hate you. 27423% 27424If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll 27425be married to a man who cheats on his wife. 27426 -- Ann Landers 27427% 27428If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break. 27429 -- Schmidt 27430% 27431If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty. 27432Otherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands. 27433% 27434If you need anything just whistle. 27435You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? 27436Just put your lips together and blow. 27437 -- Lauren Bacall, "To Have and Have Not" 27438% 27439If you notice that a person is deceiving you, 27440they must not be deceiving you very well. 27441% 27442If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. 27443 -- Maslow 27444% 27445If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure 27446can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly 27447develop. 27448% 27449If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite 27450you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. 27451 -- Mark Twain 27452% 27453If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, 27454you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get 27455ice, but no cup. 27456% 27457If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But 27458this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is 27459somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it. 27460% 27461If you put it off long enough, it might go away. 27462% 27463If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery. 27464But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, 27465is somehow ennobled and no-one dare criticise it. 27466 -- Pierre Gallois 27467% 27468If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a 27469restaurant. 27470 -- Snoopy 27471% 27472If you really want to do something new, the good won't help you with it. 27473Let me have men about me that are arrant knaves. The wicked, who have 27474something on their conscience, are obliging, quick to hear threats, because 27475they know how it's done, and for booty. You can offer them things because 27476they will take them. Because they have no hesitations. You can hang them 27477if they get out of step. Let me have men about me that are utter villains 27478-- provided that I have the power, the absolute power, over life and death. 27479 -- Hermann Goering 27480% 27481If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it. 27482% 27483If you remember the 60's, you weren't there. 27484% 27485If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire 27486deeper insights into what you believe? The things most worth reading 27487are precisely those that challenge our convictions. 27488% 27489If you see an onion ring -- answer it! 27490% 27491If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers. 27492But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers. 27493 -- Swami Prabhupada 27494% 27495If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're 27496the sucker. 27497% 27498If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure. 27499% 27500If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair. 27501% 27502If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from 27503many it's research. 27504 -- Wilson Mizner 27505% 27506If you stew apples like cranberries, 27507they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does. 27508 -- Groucho Marx 27509% 27510If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker, 27511It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock. 27512 Or some joker who is slicker, 27513 Will trick you of your liquor, 27514If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock. 27515% 27516If you stick your head in the sand, 27517one thing is for sure, you're gonna get your rear kicked. 27518% 27519If you suspect a man, don't employ him. 27520% 27521If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have 27522schizophrenia. 27523 -- Thomas Szasz 27524% 27525If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble 27526then they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real 27527harm. 27528% 27529If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. 27530 -- Mark Twain 27531% 27532If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first. 27533% 27534If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. 27535 -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard 27536% 27537If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens 27538tomorrow! 27539% 27540If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car 27541payments. 27542 -- Earl Wilson 27543% 27544If you think technology can solve your security problems, then you 27545don't understand the problems and you don't understand the technology. 27546 -- Bruce Schneier 27547% 27548If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time 27549someone pulls out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with 27550your Bic. 27551% 27552If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. 27553 -- Arthur Kasspe 27554% 27555If you think the system is working, 27556ask someone who's waiting for a prompt. 27557% 27558If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest 27559shopping center in the world? 27560 -- Richard M. Nixon 27561% 27562If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you 27563lack sufficient imagination. 27564% 27565If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would 27566be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call 27567you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw 27568another party next year. 27569 27570What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up 27571several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've 27572been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to 27573avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning 27574parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from 27575having another one ... 27576 27577If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless 27578your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas 27579through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure 27580that they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting 27581someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ... 27582 -- Dave Barry 27583% 27584If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined 27585them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government! 27586 -- Mr. Interesting 27587% 27588If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them 27589end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable. 27590 -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten" 27591% 27592If you took all the women at the Harvard Prom 27593and laid them end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised. 27594 -- Dorothy Parker 27595% 27596If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time. 27597 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt 27598% 27599If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it. 27600% 27601If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything. 27602 -- Abraham Lincoln 27603% 27604If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having 27605done its damage. If it was bad, it will be back. 27606% 27607If you want divine justice, die. 27608 -- Nick Seldon 27609% 27610If you want me to be a good little bunny 27611just dangle some carats in front of my nose. 27612 -- Lauren Bacall 27613% 27614If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman. 27615 -- Michelet 27616% 27617If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's 27618read by persons who move their lips when they're reading to themselves. 27619 -- Don Marquis 27620% 27621If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law. 27622% 27623If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people 27624he gave it to. 27625 -- Dorothy Parker 27626% 27627If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. 27628 -- Woody Allen 27629% 27630If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map. 27631% 27632If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate 27633books. 27634 -- Alan King 27635% 27636If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards. 27637 -- Harry Blackstone 27638% 27639If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the 27640Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's 27641statecraft. Instead, read selected portions of the Washington 27642telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with 27643titles beginning with the word "National". 27644 -- George Will 27645% 27646If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every 27647word you say, talk in your sleep. 27648% 27649If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some 27650memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it, 27651even if they don't know what it means. 27652 -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party" 27653% 27654If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal. 27655% 27656If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that 27657fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and 27658heartbeats. 27659% 27660If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk. 27661If you wish to be happy for three days, get married. 27662If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it. 27663If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish. 27664 -- Chinese proverb 27665% 27666If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one. 27667% 27668If you wish to succeed, consult three old people. 27669% 27670If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur 27671boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him. 27672 -- Anton Chekov 27673% 27674If you work for a man, in heaven's name, work for him. 27675If he pays you wages which supply you bread and butter, work for him; speak 27676 well of him; stand by him, and by the institution he represents. 27677If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness. 27678If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your 27679 position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content... 27680 but, as long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it. 27681If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the 27682 institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will 27683 be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason 27684 why. 27685% 27686If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend. 27687% 27688If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some. 27689 -- Benjamin Franklin 27690% 27691If you would understand your own age, read the works 27692of fiction produced in it. People in disguise speak freely. 27693% 27694If you'd like to cultivate insomnia, 27695Bed down with a pretty girl. 27696Amor vincit omnia. 27697% 27698If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss. 27699% 27700If your bread is stale, make toast. 27701% 27702If your enemy is buried in quicksand up to his neck, pull him out. 27703If he is buried up to his eyes, step on his head. 27704 -- Niccolo Machiavelli, "The Prince" 27705% 27706If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, 27707I guess you do have a problem. 27708 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" 27709% 27710If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it. 27711% 27712If your mind grows weak, 27713Don't yield to the weakness. 27714Even if tired of thought, 27715Never stop thinking. 27716My sons and descendants, 27717Don't get exhausted in reason-- 27718But become experienced. 27719 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan 27720% 27721If your mother knew what you're doing, 27722she'd probably hang her head and cry. 27723% 27724If your parents don't have kids, neither will you. 27725% 27726If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no 27727longer be fantasies. 27728 -- Fran Lebowitz 27729% 27730If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real 27731embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. 27732 -- Jack Handey 27733% 27734If you're careful enough, nothing 27735bad or good will ever happen to you. 27736% 27737If you're carrying a torch, put it down. 27738The Olympics are over. 27739% 27740If you're constantly being mistreated, 27741you're cooperating with the treatment. 27742% 27743If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four 27744strong oxen than 100 chickens. Chickens are OK but we can't make them work 27745together yet. 27746 -- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89 27747% 27748If you're going to America, bring your own food. 27749 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 27750% 27751If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for 27752tomorrow morning, sleep late. 27753 -- Henny Youngman 27754% 27755If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance. 27756% 27757If you're happy, you're successful. 27758% 27759If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. 27760% 27761If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory. 27762 -- Benjamin Disraeli 27763% 27764If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%? 27765% 27766If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war, 27767As well as by traffic and crime, 27768Consider how worry-free gophers are, 27769Though living on burrowed time. 27770 -- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83 27771% 27772If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round it 27773off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the universe. 27774 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" 27775% 27776If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all. 27777 -- Ronald Reagan 27778% 27779Ignisecond, n.: 27780 The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car 27781 door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!" 27782 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 27783% 27784Ignorance is bliss. 27785 -- Thomas Gray 27786 27787Fortune updates the great quotes, #42: 27788 BLISS is ignorance. 27789% 27790Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the 27791rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow. 27792 -- Franklin K. Dane 27793% 27794Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out. 27795% 27796Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people 27797so resolutely pursuing it. 27798% 27799Ignore previous fortune. 27800% 27801Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux 27802 Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave, 27803Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex, 27804 Et le m^omerade horgrave. 27805 -- Lewis Carroll, 27806 "Through the Looking-Glass, 27807 and What Alice Found There" (1871) 27808% 27809Iles's Law: 27810 There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly 27811at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it. 27812Neither will Iles. 27813% 27814I'll be comfortable on the couch. Famous last words. 27815 -- Lenny Bruce 27816% 27817I'll be Grateful when they're Dead. 27818% 27819I'll burn my books. 27820 -- Christopher Marlowe 27821% 27822I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, 27823carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia, 27824I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun. 27825 -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H 27826% 27827I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd 27828listen to it! 27829 -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire 27830% 27831I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's 27832in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ. 27833 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up" 27834% 27835I'll grant thee random access to my heart, 27836Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love; 27837And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove 27838And in our bound partition never part. 27839 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 27840% 27841I'll learn to play the Saxophone, 27842I play just what I feel. 27843Drink Scotch whisky all night long, 27844And die behind the wheel. 27845They got a name for the winners in the world, 27846I want a name when I lose. 27847They call Alabama the Crimson Tide, 27848Call me Deacon Blues. 27849 -- Becker and Fagan, "Deacon Blues" 27850% 27851I'll meet you... on the dark side of the moon... 27852 -- Pink Floyd 27853% 27854I'll never get off this planet. 27855 -- Luke Skywalker 27856% 27857I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me. 27858% 27859I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob. 27860That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood. 27861 -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones] 27862% 27863I'll turn over a new leaf. 27864 -- Miguel de Cervantes 27865% 27866Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask 27867any Indian. 27868 -- Robert Orben 27869 27870Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. 27871 -- Jack Paar 27872% 27873Illegitimi non carborundum 27874(translation: no carbonated drinks allowed.) 27875% 27876Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot: 27877it's more like the land He's trying to ignore. 27878% 27879Illiterate? Write today, for free help! 27880% 27881Illusion is the first of all pleasures. 27882 -- Voltaire 27883% 27884I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from man. 27885% 27886"I'm a doctor, not a mechanic." 27887 -- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of 27888 the idea of a doomsday machine. 27889"I'm a doctor, not an escalator." 27890 -- "Friday's Child", when asked to help the very pregnant 27891 Ellen up a steep incline. 27892"I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer." 27893 -- "Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta. 27894"I'm a doctor, not an engineer." 27895 -- "Mirror, Mirror", when asked by Scotty for help in 27896 Engineering aboard the USS Enterprise. 27897"I'm a doctor, not a coal miner." 27898 -- "The Empath", on being beneath the surface of Minara 2. 27899"I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist." 27900 -- "City on the Edge of Forever", on Edith Keeler's remark 27901 that Kirk talked strangely. 27902"I'm no magician, Spock, just an old country doctor." 27903 -- "The Deadly Years", to Spock while trying to cure the 27904 aging effects of the rogue comet near Gamma Hydra 4. 27905"What am I, a doctor or a moon shuttle conductor?" 27906 -- "The Corbomite Maneuver", when Kirk rushed off from a 27907 physical exam to answer the alert. 27908% 27909I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on 27910a sports jacket and take off my brain. 27911% 27912I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me! 27913% 27914I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to 27915thank everyone for making this night necessary. 27916 -- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor 27917% 27918I'm all for computer dating, but I 27919wouldn't want one to marry my sister. 27920% 27921I'm also inclined to believe that if you wait long enough, you will 27922eventually have more than 255 of almost *anything*.... 27923 -- A. Lyman Chapin 27924% 27925I'm always looking for a new idea that 27926will be more productive than its cost. 27927 -- David Rockefeller 27928% 27929I'm an artist. 27930But it's not what I really want to do. 27931What I really want to do is be a shoe salesman. 27932I know what you're going to say -- 27933"Dreamer! Get your head out of the clouds." 27934All right! But it's what I want to do. 27935Instead I have to go on painting all day long. 27936 27937The world should make a place for shoe salesmen. 27938 -- J. Feiffer 27939% 27940I'm an evolutionist; I refuse to believe 27941that I could have been created by man. 27942% 27943I'm changing my name to Chrysler 27944I'm going down to Washington, D.C. 27945I'll tell some power broker 27946 What they did for Iacocca 27947Will be perfectly acceptable to me! 27948I'm changing my name to Chrysler, 27949I'm heading for that great receiving line. 27950When they hand a million grand out, 27951 I'll be standing with my hand out, 27952Yessir, I'll get mine! 27953 -- Tom Paxton 27954% 27955I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did. 27956% 27957"I'm dying," he croaked. 27958"My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted. 27959"You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized. 27960"That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered. 27961"The fire is going out," he bellowed. 27962"Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused. 27963"You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me. 27964"You snake," she rattled. 27965"Someone's at the door," she chimed. 27966"Company's coming," she guessed. 27967"Dawn came too soon," she mourned. 27968"I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed. 27969"I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed. 27970"Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly. 27971"Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely. 27972 -- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex" 27973% 27974I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in. 27975 -- George McGovern 27976% 27977I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults. 27978 -- Gore Vidal 27979% 27980I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality. 27981% 27982I'm glad I was not born before tea. 27983 -- Sidney Smith (1771-1845) 27984% 27985I'm glad that I'm an American, 27986I'm glad that I am free, 27987But I wish I were a little doggy, 27988And McGovern were a tree. 27989% 27990I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today. Happens 27991every six months or so. So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I'd share 27992it with you. 27993 27994> In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and 27995 the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue. 27996> And in LA it's 72. 27997 27998> In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity 27999 is a million percent. 28000> And in LA it's 72. 28001 28002> In New York there are a million interesting people. 28003> And in LA there are 72. 28004% 28005I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man. 28006 -- Fred Allen 28007% 28008I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes. 28009 -- Woody Allen 28010% 28011I'm going to live forever, or die trying! 28012 -- Spider Robinson 28013% 28014I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear. 28015 -- John Foreman 28016% 28017I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House. President Johnson 28018says a war isn't really a war without my jokes. 28019 -- Bob Hope 28020% 28021I'm hungry, time to eat lunch. 28022% 28023I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here? 28024 -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate 28025% 28026I'm just as sad as sad can be! 28027 I've missed your special date. 28028Please say that you're not mad at me 28029 My tax return is late. 28030 -- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards 28031% 28032I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be 28033living apart. 28034 -- E. E. Cummings 28035% 28036I'm N-ary the tree, I am, 28037N-ary the tree, I am, I am. 28038I'm getting traversed by the parser next door, 28039She's traversed me seven times before. 28040And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!) 28041Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!) 28042I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary. 28043N-ary the tree I am, I am, 28044N-ary the tree I am. 28045 -- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders 28046% 28047I'm not a lovable man. 28048 -- Richard M. Nixon 28049% 28050I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out 28051with twenty-eight years ago. 28052 -- Will Rogers 28053% 28054I'm not afraid of death -- I just don't want to be there when it happens. 28055 -- Woody Allen 28056% 28057I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to 28058match the men. 28059 -- George Eliot 28060% 28061I'm not even going to *bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN. 28062 -- L. Zolman, creator of BDS C 28063% 28064I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you. 28065% 28066I'm not offering myself as an example; 28067every life evolves by its own laws. 28068% 28069I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally. 28070% 28071I'm not proud. 28072% 28073I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING! 28074% 28075I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be President. 28076 -- Barry Goldwater, in 1964 28077% 28078I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert! 28079% 28080I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't 28081that good. 28082 -- Amy Gorin 28083% 28084I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. 28085It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get. 28086% 28087I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli- 28088gence?" I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there, 28089and use the word *billions*, and so on. And then I say it would be astonishing 28090to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as 28091yet no compelling evidence for it. And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you 28092really think?" I say, "I just told you what I really think." "Yeah, but 28093what's your gut feeling?" But I try not to think with my gut. Really, it's 28094okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in. 28095 -- Carl Sagan 28096% 28097I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday 28098life. 28099% 28100I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is 28101-- I could be just as proud for half the money. 28102 -- Arthur Godfrey 28103% 28104I'm rated PG-34!! 28105% 28106I'm really enjoying not talking to you... 28107Let's not talk again REAL soon... 28108% 28109I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it 28110(your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage. 28111 -- English Professor, Providence College 28112% 28113I'm so broke I can't even pay attention. 28114% 28115I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here. 28116% 28117I'm sorry, but after reading this thread, I'm having a hard time 28118coming up with an explanation for this nonsense which doesn't involve 28119you being a dumbass. 28120 -- Bill Paul <wpaul@FreeBSD.org> 28121% 28122I'm sorry, but my kharma just ran over your dogma. 28123% 28124I'm sorry I missed. 28125 -- Squeaky Fromme 28126% 28127I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you. 28128% 28129I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie. 28130% 28131I'm successful because I'm lucky. 28132The harder I work, the luckier I get. 28133% 28134I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, 28135I know the scientific names of beings animalculous; 28136In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, 28137I am the very model of a modern Major-General. 28138 -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "The Pirates of Penzance" 28139% 28140I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should marry for life, 28141like pigeons and Catholics. 28142 -- Woody Allen 28143% 28144I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's 28145lives. 28146% 28147Imagination is more important than knowledge. 28148 -- Albert Einstein 28149% 28150Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. 28151 -- Jules de Gaultier 28152% 28153Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the 28154usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody 28155thinks of complaining. 28156 -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal 28157% 28158Imagine me going around with a pot belly. 28159It would mean political ruin. 28160 -- Adolf Hitler 28161% 28162Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has 28163a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk 28164storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on 28165voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. 28166What's the first question that the computer community asks? 28167 28168"Is it PC compatible?" 28169% 28170Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try. 28171 -- John Lennon, "Imagine" 28172% 28173Imagine what we can imagine! 28174 -- Arthur Rubinstein 28175% 28176Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely. 28177 -- Genji 28178% 28179Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension: 28180 In order for something to become clean, something else must 28181 become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting 28182 anything clean. 28183% 28184Imitation is the sincerest form of television. 28185 -- Fred Allen 28186% 28187Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant. 28188% 28189Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan. 28190% 28191Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal. 28192 -- Lionel Trilling 28193% 28194Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal. 28195 -- T. S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger" 28196% 28197Immortality -- a fate worse than death. 28198 -- Edgar A. Shoaff 28199% 28200Immutability, Three Rules of: 28201 (1) If a tarpaulin can flap, it will. 28202 (2) If a small boy can get dirty, he will. 28203 (3) If a teenager can go out, he will. 28204% 28205Impartial, adj.: 28206 Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from 28207 espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two 28208 conflicting opinions. 28209 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 28210% 28211Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the 28212mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the 28213Boss is reading it. 28214% 28215Impossible, adj.: 28216 (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve; 28217 (2) I can't be bothered; 28218 (3) God can't be bothered. 28219Meaning (3) may perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck. 28220 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" 28221% 28222In 1750 Isaac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of 28223stairs. 28224% 28225In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled 28226waffles. 28227% 28228In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't 28229get parts. 28230% 28231In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The 28232creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across. 28233% 28234In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred 28235syrup. 28236% 28237In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin 28238in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to 28239revolution. But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from 28240behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka 28241shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops. 28242 28243It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the 28244ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go. 28245% 28246In 1989, the United States, which was displeased with the policies of the 28247dictator of Panama, invaded that country and placed in power a government 28248more to its liking. 28249 28250In 1990, Iraq, which was displeased with the policies of the dictator of 28251Kuwait, invaded that country and placed in power a government more to its 28252liking. 28253% 28254In a bottle, the neck is always at the top. 28255% 28256In a circuit with a fast-acting fuse, 28257an IC will blow to protect the fuse. 28258% 28259In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves: 28260the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy. 28261% 28262In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death 28263by slow starvation. The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat, 28264has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat. 28265 -- Leon Trotsky, 1937 28266% 28267In a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room 28268humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network 28269anyway. 28270 -- The 5th Wave 28271% 28272In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. 28273Only we can't control when the five year period will begin. 28274% 28275In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is 28276placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker. 28277% 28278In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the 28279other really likes. 28280 -- Elizabeth Ashley 28281% 28282In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ... 28283in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent 28284to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who 28285have not yet reached their level of incompetence. 28286 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "The Peter Principle" 28287% 28288In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth" 28289Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex. 28290 -- Frank Mankiewicz 28291% 28292In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, 28293"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man." 28294 -- Mark Twain 28295% 28296In a surprise raid last night, federal agent's ransacked a house in search 28297of a rebel computer hacker. However, they were unable to complete the arrest 28298because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only 28299person in the house was named don provan. Proving, once again, that Unix is 28300superior to Tops10. 28301% 28302In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's 28303taste and in a sports car it's impossible. 28304% 28305In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground 28306with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call 28307this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf. 28308% 28309In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one 28310of the risks he takes. 28311 -- Adlai E. Stevenson 28312% 28313In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so 28314sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All 28315those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the 28316devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up 28317as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you. 28318 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 28319% 28320In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to 28321be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's 28322beloved. 28323 -- Russell Baker 28324% 28325In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly. 28326% 28327In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own 28328incompetency 28329 -- The Peter Principle 28330% 28331In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the 28332sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order. 28333 -- Idi Amin Dada 28334% 28335In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) 28336are to be treated as variables. 28337% 28338In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work, 28339the answer may be obtained by inspection. 28340% 28341In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of nations -- 28342it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir. 28343 -- Stuart Keate 28344% 28345In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs. 28346% 28347IN BOX: 28348 A catch basin for everything you don't want 28349 to deal with, but are afraid to throw away. 28350% 28351In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless 28352the cows are known sluts. 28353 -- Johnny Carson 28354% 28355In Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it 28356made the World Series just something that came later. 28357 -- Walter O'Malley, Dodgers owner 28358% 28359In buying horses and taking a wife 28360shut your eyes tight and commend yourself to God. 28361% 28362In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he 28363thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent 28364teacher should know. "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig 28365said, "up to the mathematicians." 28366 -- The New York Times, October 22, 1985 28367% 28368In California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make 28369it into television shows. 28370 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall" 28371% 28372In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended. 28373% 28374In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools 28375will be temporarily canceled. 28376% 28377In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!" 28378 -- The Kidner Report 28379% 28380In case of fire, yell "FIRE!" 28381% 28382In case of injury notify your superior immediately. 28383He'll kiss it and make it better. 28384% 28385In charity there is no excess. 28386 -- Francis Bacon 28387% 28388In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her 28389husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never 28390be free of subjugation. 28391 -- The Hindu Code of Manu 28392% 28393In Christianity, a man may have only one wife. 28394This is called Monotony. 28395% 28396In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle 28397a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order 28398to get her attention. 28399% 28400In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. 28401 -- Brian K. Reid 28402% 28403In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter. 28404% 28405In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride 28406in any motor vehicle. 28407% 28408In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable. 28409 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery 28410% 28411In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door 28412neighbor. 28413% 28414In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset. 28415% 28416In dwelling, be close to the land. 28417In meditation, delve deep into the heart. 28418In dealing with others, be gentle and kind. 28419In speech, be true. 28420In work, be competent. 28421In action, be careful of your timing. 28422 -- Lao Tsu 28423% 28424In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our 28425programming languages. 28426% 28427In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty. 28428 -- Thomas Jefferson 28429% 28430In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours. 28431 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter 28432% 28433In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. 28434Find the fun and snap! The job's a game. 28435And every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake, 28436 a lark, a spree; it's very clear to see. 28437 -- Mary Poppins 28438% 28439In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug. 28440% 28441In fact, S. M. Simpson, eventually devised an efficient 24-point Fourier 28442transform, which was a precursor to the Cooley-Tukey fast Fourier transform 28443in 1965. The FFT made all of Simpson's efficient autocorrelation and 28444spectrum programs instantly obsolete, on which he had worked half a lifetime. 28445 -- Proc. IEEE, Sept. 1982, p.900 28446% 28447In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder; 28448in life the recourse of the powerless is petty theft. 28449% 28450In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because 28451I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up 28452because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I 28453didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the 28454Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came 28455for me -- and by that time no one was left to speak up. 28456 -- Pastor Martin Niemoller 28457% 28458In God we trust; all else we walk through. 28459% 28460In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker 28461know the truth of the matter about which he is to speak? 28462 -- Plato 28463% 28464In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on 28465the sidewalks when a concert is on. 28466% 28467In her first passion woman loves her lover, 28468In all the others all she loves is love. 28469 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan" 28470% 28471In high school in Brooklyn 28472I was the baseball manager, 28473proud as I could be 28474I chased baseballs, 28475gathered thrown bats 28476handed out the towels Eventually, I bought my own 28477It was very important work but it was dark blue while 28478for a small spastic kid, the official ones were green 28479but I was a team member Nobody ever said anything 28480When the team got to me about my blue jacket; 28481their warm-up jackets the guys were my friends 28482I didn't get one Yet it hurt me all year 28483Only the regular team to wear that blue jacket 28484got these jackets, and among all those green ones 28485surely not a manager Even now, forty years after, 28486 I still recall that jacket 28487 and the memory goes on hurting. 28488 -- Bart Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance" 28489% 28490In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together 28491afterwards that causes the problems. 28492 -- Shelley Winters 28493% 28494In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it. 28495 -- Rex Reed 28496% 28497In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come into 28498use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish between weather 28499which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which will only make it mushy. 28500 -- Mark Twain 28501% 28502In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, 28503murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci 28504and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had 28505five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce? 28506The cuckoo-clock. 28507 -- Orson Welles, "The Third Man" 28508% 28509In just seven days, I can make you a man! 28510 -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show 28511 [ (and seven nights...) Ed.] 28512% 28513In less than a century, computers will be making substantial 28514progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace. 28515 -- James Slagle 28516% 28517In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your 28518pocket. 28519% 28520In like a dimwit, out like a light. 28521 -- Pogo 28522% 28523In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original. 28524 -- Bruton 28525% 28526In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any 28527pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while 28528either flying or waiting to board a plane. 28529% 28530In marriage, as in war, it is permitted 28531to take every advantage of the enemy. 28532% 28533In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but 28534the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they 28535have obtained from books of travel. 28536 -- Mark Twain 28537% 28538In matters of principle, stand like a rock; 28539in matters of taste, swim with the current. 28540 -- Thomas Jefferson 28541% 28542In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait. 28543 -- Josi Simon 28544% 28545In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf. 28546It's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game. 28547% 28548In most instances, all an argument 28549proves is that two people are present. 28550% 28551In my end is my beginning. 28552 -- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots 28553% 28554In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending 28555your left leg, it's modern architecture. 28556 -- Nancy Banks Smith 28557% 28558IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out 28559becoming pure energy. 28560 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 28561% 28562In Nature there are neither rewards nor 28563punishments, there are consequences. 28564 -- R. G. Ingersoll 28565% 28566In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as 28567to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the 28568speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00. 28569% 28570In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar -- 28571a practice which is still continued. 28572 -- Helen Rowland 28573% 28574In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension. 28575% 28576In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is; 28577you're what's left. 28578% 28579In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it. 28580% 28581In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom. 28582It is not always an easy sacrifice. 28583% 28584In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the 28585universe. 28586 -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos 28587% 28588In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence 28589is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office. 28590 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 28591% 28592In our system there's no intermediate step between a definitive Supreme 28593Court decision and violent revolution. 28594 -- Al Gore (New York Magazine, May 29 2006) 28595% 28596In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy. 28597% 28598In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced 28599a Prime Minister worthy of assassination. 28600 -- John Diefenbaker 28601% 28602In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds 28603and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane. 28604% 28605In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying 28606of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public 28607view." 28608% 28609In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia, 28610happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary. 28611 -- Paul Licker 28612% 28613In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you 28614want the other person. 28615 -- Margaret Anderson 28616% 28617In reply to a message by Scott Long: 28618 28619> Note: this amounts to life support for floppies. The end IS coming. 28620 28621Say it ain't so! If you establish a dangerous trend like this in 28622your support for floppy booting, the next thing you know, some 28623computer manufacturer will start shipping machines without ANY FLOPPY 28624DRIVE AT ALL, leading to the infocalypse, the four horsemen pouring 28625their vials upon the earth, the birth of the anti-christ (or PERL 6, 28626whichever comes first), dogs and cats living together, etc. 28627 28628It's the end of days, I tell you! The end! Can the FreeBSD/NetBSD 28629merger be that far off? 28630 -- Jordan Hubbard (31 January 2006) 28631% 28632In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space 28633Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways. 28634Our asymptotes no longer out of phase, 28635We shall encounter, counting, face to face. 28636 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 28637% 28638In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant. 28639 -- Will Durst 28640% 28641In science it often happens that scientists say, "You know that's a really 28642good argument; my position is mistaken," and then they actually change 28643their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really 28644do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are 28645human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot 28646recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion. 28647 -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address 28648% 28649In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that 28650is over six feet in length. 28651% 28652In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way. 28653 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 28654% 28655In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian. 28656% 28657In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's. 28658% 28659In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart. 28660 -- Anne Frank 28661% 28662In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing. 28663 -- Alan Kay 28664% 28665In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a 28666moving automobile. 28667% 28668[In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You 28669could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense 28670that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ... 28671 28672And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory 28673over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we 28674didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no 28675point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; 28676we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave ... 28677 28678So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in 28679Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost 28680___see the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and 28681rolled back. 28682 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" 28683% 28684In the age of the internet attaching a famous name to your personal 28685opinion to give more weight to it is a very valid strategy. 28686 -- Benjamin Franklin 28687% 28688In the beginning there was nothing. And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!" 28689And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it. 28690% 28691In the beginning was the word. 28692But by the time the second word was added to it, 28693there was trouble. 28694For with it came syntax ... 28695 -- John Simon 28696% 28697In the course of reading Hadamard's "The Psychology of Invention in the 28698Mathematical Field", I have come across evidence supporting a fact 28699which we coffee achievers have long appreciated: no really creative, 28700intelligent thought is possible without a good cup of coffee. On page 2870114, Hadamard is discussing Poincare's theory of fuchsian groups and 28702fuchsian functions, which he describes as "... one of his greatest 28703discoveries, the first which consecrated his glory ..." Hadamard refers 28704to Poincare having had a "... sleepless night which initiated all that 28705memorable work ..." and gives the following, very revealing quote: 28706 28707 "One evening, contrary to my custom, I drank black coffee and 28708 could not sleep. Ideas rose in crowds; I felt them collide 28709 until pairs interlocked, so to speak, making a stable 28710 combination." 28711 28712Too bad drinking black coffee was contrary to his custom. Maybe he 28713could really have amounted to something as a coffee achiever. 28714% 28715In the days of old, 28716When Knights were bold, 28717 And women were too cautious; 28718Oh, those gallant days, 28719When women were women, 28720 And men were really obnoxious. 28721% 28722In the dimestores and bus stations 28723People talk of situations 28724Read books repeat quotations 28725Draw conclusions on the wall. 28726 -- Bob Dylan 28727% 28728In the early morning queue, 28729With a listing in my hand. 28730With a worry in my heart, There on terminal number 9, 28731Waitin' here in CERAS-land. Pascal run all set to go. 28732I'm a long way from sleep, But I'm waitin' in the queue, 28733How I miss a good meal so. With this code that ever grows. 28734In the early mornin' queue, Now the lobby chairs are soft, 28735With no place to go. But that can't make the queue move fast. 28736 Hey, there it goes my friend, 28737 I've moved up one at last. 28738 -- Ernest Adams, "Early Morning Queue", to "Early 28739 Morning Rain" by G. Lightfoot 28740% 28741In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man. 28742 -- Martin Mull 28743% 28744In the first place, God made idiots; 28745this was for practice; then he made school boards. 28746 -- Mark Twain 28747% 28748In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in 28749the proper order then why can't he? 28750% 28751In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians. 28752 -- Joseph Stalin 28753% 28754In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals. 28755You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them. 28756% 28757In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls. 28758 -- Lenny Bruce 28759% 28760In the highest society, as well as in the lowest, 28761woman is merely an instrument of pleasure. 28762 -- Tolstoy 28763% 28764In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful 28765Dead. 28766 -- Egyptian Book of the Dead 28767% 28768In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble. 28769 -- Alan J. Perlis 28770% 28771In the long run we are all dead. 28772 -- John Maynard Keynes 28773% 28774In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold. 100 feet to the north stands 28775a smart manager. 100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager. 100 feet to 28776the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus. 28777 28778Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first? 28779A: The dumb manager. All the rest are myths. 28780% 28781In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man 28782noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of 28783the revelers. Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet 28784conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this 28785jaded group. Why don't I take you home?"" 28786 "Fine," said the girl, smiling up at him demurely. "Where do you 28787live?" 28788% 28789In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not 28790displeasing to us. 28791 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims" 28792% 28793In the next world, you're on your own. 28794% 28795In the Old West a wagon train is crossing the plains. As night falls the 28796wagon train forms a circle, and a campfire is lit in the middle. After 28797everyone has gone to sleep two lone cavalry officers stand watch over the 28798camp. 28799 After several hours of quiet, they hear war drums starting from 28800a nearby Indian village they had passed during the day. The drums get 28801louder and louder. 28802 Finally one soldier turns to the other and says, "I don't like 28803the sound of those drums." 28804 Suddenly, they hear a cry come from the Indian camp: "IT'S 28805NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER." 28806% 28807In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or 28808a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it 28809to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by 28810forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you 28811stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit 28812punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong 28813enough to punch you. 28814 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 28815% 28816In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and 28817struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny 28818and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the 28819crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch. 28820 -- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian 28821 novel. 28822% 28823In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has 28824shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the 28825Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million 28826three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years 28827from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. 28828... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such 28829wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of 28830fact. 28831 -- Mark Twain 28832% 28833In the Spring, I have counted 136 28834different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours. 28835 -- Mark Twain, on New England weather 28836% 28837In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator. 28838% 28839In the time of peace and harmony 28840Be a kind-hearted friend. 28841In the time of conflict with enemies 28842Be a falcon of advance and attack. 28843 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan 28844% 28845In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to drop 28846out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at discotheques. 28847 -- Art Linkletter 28848% 28849In the war of wits, he's unarmed. 28850% 28851In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. 28852In practice, there is. 28853% 28854In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain. 28855 -- Pliny the Elder 28856% 28857In this vale 28858Of toil and sin 28859Your head grows bald 28860But not your chin. 28861 -- Burma Shave 28862% 28863In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. 28864 -- Benjamin Franklin 28865% 28866In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be 28867thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican. 28868 -- H. L. Mencken 28869% 28870In this world some people are going to like me and some are not. 28871So, I may as well be me. Then I know if someone likes me, they like me. 28872% 28873In this world there are only two tragedies. One is 28874not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. 28875 -- Oscar Wilde 28876% 28877In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it. 28878% 28879In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take 28880my advice. 28881 -- Winston Churchill 28882% 28883In time, every post tends to be occupied by an 28884employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties. 28885 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter 28886% 28887In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without 28888the supervision of a licensed engineer. 28889% 28890In /users3 did Kubla Kahn 28891A stately pleasure dome decree, 28892Where /bin, the sacred river ran 28893Through Test Suites measureless to Man 28894Down to a sunless C. 28895% 28896In war it is not men, but the man who counts. 28897 -- Napoleon 28898% 28899In war, truth is the first casualty. 28900 -- U Thant 28901% 28902In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse 28903along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months. 28904% 28905In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking? 28906% 28907In wine there is truth (In vino veritas). 28908 -- Pliny 28909% 28910In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree 28911But only if the NFL to a franchise would agree. 28912% 28913In Xanadu did Kubla Khan 28914A stately pleasure dome decree: 28915Where Alph, the sacred river, ran 28916Through caverns measureless to man 28917Down to a sunless sea. 28918So twice five miles of fertile ground 28919With walls and towers were girdled round: 28920And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills, 28921Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree; 28922And here were forest ancient as the hills, 28923Enfolding sunny spots of greenery. 28924 -- Samuel T. Coleridge, "Kubla Kahn" 28925% 28926In youth, it was a way I had 28927To do my best to please, 28928And change, with every passing lad, 28929To suit his theories. 28930 28931But now I know the things I know, 28932And do the things I do; 28933And if you do not like me so, 28934To hell, my love, with you! 28935 -- Dorothy Parker, "Indian Summer" 28936% 28937INCENTIVE PROGRAM: 28938 The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses 28939 to motivate its people. Still, despite all the experimentation with 28940 profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective 28941 incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to 28942 keep it." 28943% 28944Include me out. 28945% 28946Increased knowledge will help you now. 28947Have mate's phone bugged. 28948% 28949Incumbent, n.: 28950 Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents. 28951 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 28952% 28953Indecision is the true basis for flexibility. 28954% 28955Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as 28956`all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled 28957with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.' 28958 -- M. D. Epstein 28959% 28960INDEX: 28961 Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an 28962 alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be. 28963% 28964Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and 28965basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley 28966is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee. 28967 -- Carolyn Jones 28968% 28969Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares? 28970% 28971Individualists unite! 28972% 28973Indomitable in retreat; invincible in 28974advance; insufferable in victory. 28975 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery 28976% 28977Infancy, n.: 28978 The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven lies 28979 about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward. 28980 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 28981% 28982Infidel, n.: 28983 In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; 28984 in Constantinople, one who does. 28985 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 28986% 28987Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down. 28988% 28989Information Center, n.: 28990 A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is 28991to tell you why you cannot have the information you require. 28992% 28993Information is the inverse of entropy. 28994% 28995Information Processing: 28996 What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with 28997 it they won't let it be discussed in their presence. 28998% 28999Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations 29000 29001 Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner: 29002 Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles! 29003 Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet 29004 behind, flee then to the indifferent lifesaveringshippen 29005 obedicing the instructs of the vessel. 29006 29007 On the door in a Belgrade hotel: 29008 Let us know about any unficiency as well as leaking on 29009 the service. Our utmost will improve it. 29010 29011 -- Colin Bowles 29012% 29013Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations 29014 29015 Sign on a cathedral in Spain: 29016 It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if 29017 dressed as a man. 29018 29019 Above the entrance to a Cairo bar: 29020 Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband 29021 or similar. 29022 29023 On a Bucharest elevator: 29024 29025 The lift is being fixed for the next days. 29026 During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. 29027 29028 -- Colin Bowles 29029% 29030Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations 29031 29032 Various signs in Poland: 29033 29034 Right turn toward immediate outside. 29035 29036 Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons. 29037 29038 Five o'clock tea at all hours. 29039 29040 In a men's washroom in Sidney: 29041 29042 Shake excess water from hands, push button to start, 29043 rub hands rapidly under air outlet and wipe hands 29044 on front of shirt. 29045 29046 -- Colin Bowles, San Francisco Chronicle 29047% 29048Ingrate, n.: 29049 A man who bites the hand that feeds him, 29050 and then complains of indigestion. 29051% 29052Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. 29053 -- Martin Luther King, Jr. 29054% 29055Ink, n.: 29056 A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and 29057 water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and 29058 promote intellectual crime. 29059 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 29060% 29061Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one 29062likes oneself. 29063 -- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect" 29064% 29065INNOVATE: 29066 Annoy people. 29067% 29068Innovation is hard to schedule. 29069 -- Dan Fylstra 29070% 29071INNUENDO: 29072 Italian enema. 29073% 29074Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same 29075token it is the shortest detour to marriage. 29076 -- Wilson Mizner 29077% 29078Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. 29079% 29080Insanity is the final defense. It's hard to get a refund when 29081the salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon. 29082% 29083INSECURITY: 29084 Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your 29085 favorite words. 29086 29087 Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to 29088 the person who told it to you. 29089% 29090Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over. 29091% 29092Inspector: "Mrs. Freem, was this your husband's first 29093 hunting accident?" 29094Mrs. Freem: "His first fatal one, yes." 29095 -- Woody Allen 29096% 29097Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile. 29098% 29099Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't 29100they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning 29101anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five 29102years we would have the smartest race of people on earth. 29103 -- The Best of Will Rogers 29104% 29105Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better. 29106 -- Edgar W. Howe 29107% 29108Instead of thinking of spam as a disease that might be eliminated, 29109it is more useful to think of it like crime, war and cockroaches. 29110It is not realistic to expect to eliminate any of these, no matter 29111how much anyone might wish otherwise. Therefore the best we can 29112hope to accomplish is to bring spam under reasonable control... 29113 -- Dave Crocker 29114% 29115Integrity has no need for rules. 29116% 29117Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way. 29118 -- Henry Spencer 29119% 29120Intellect annuls Fate. 29121So far as a man thinks, he is free. 29122 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 29123% 29124Interchangeable parts won't. 29125% 29126INTEREST: 29127 What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and 29128 burned out employees must feign. 29129% 29130Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the 29131street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US 29132invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no; 29133and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?" 29134 -- David Letterman 29135% 29136Interfere? Of course we should interfere! Always do what you're 29137best at, that's what I say. 29138 -- "Doctor Who" 29139% 29140Interpreter, n.: 29141 One who enables two persons of different languages to understand 29142 each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the 29143 interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. 29144 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 29145% 29146Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure. 29147% 29148INTOXICATED: 29149 When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it. 29150% 29151Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor. 29152 29153INSTRUCTION SET 29154 Code Mnemonic What 29155 0 NOP No Operation 29156 1 JMP Jump (address specified by next 2 bits) 29157 29158Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents! 29159% 29160Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac! 29161% 29162Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing -- 29163it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up. 29164 -- Bernard Cooke 29165% 29166I/O, I/O, 29167It's off to disk I go, 29168A bit or byte to read or write, 29169I/O, I/O, I/O... 29170% 29171IOT trap -- core dumped 29172% 29173IOT trap -- mos dumped 29174% 29175Iowa State -- the high school after high school! 29176 -- Crow T. Robot 29177% 29178Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid. That's because 29179they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those 29180little paper envelopes. 29181% 29182Iron Law of Distribution: 29183 Them that has, gets. 29184% 29185IRONY: 29186 A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with 29187 a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes. 29188% 29189Irrationality is the square root of all evil. 29190 -- Douglas Hofstadter 29191% 29192Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less? 29193% 29194Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast? 29195% 29196Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch? 29197% 29198Is death legally binding? 29199% 29200Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is 29201meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a 29202soap bubble? 29203% 29204Is it weird in here, or is it just me? 29205 -- Steven Wright 29206% 29207Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know that? 29208% 29209Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning 29210of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, 29211and such as are out wish to get in? 29212 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 29213% 29214Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right. 29215 -- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex" 29216% 29217Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me? 29218 -- Mae West 29219% 29220Is that really YOU that is reading this? 29221% 29222Is there life before breakfast? 29223% 29224Is this really happening? 29225% 29226Is your job running? You'd better go catch it! 29227% 29228Isn't air travel wonderful? 29229Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil. 29230% 29231Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent 29232person could harbor two opposing ideas in his mind? 29233 -- Adlai E. Stevenson, to reporters 29234% 29235Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction 29236listen to weather forecasts and economists? 29237 -- Kelvin Throop III 29238% 29239Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives 29240avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that 29241would make them better prospects? 29242% 29243Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live 29244there? 29245 -- Herb Caen 29246% 29247Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune 29248tellers take economists seriously? 29249% 29250ISO applications: 29251 A solution in search of a problem! 29252% 29253Issawi's Laws of Progress: 29254 The Course of Progress: 29255 Most things get steadily worse. 29256 The Path of Progress: 29257 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. 29258% 29259It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working 29260as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he 29261had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked, 29262"What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed 29263Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival 29264came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer 29265this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the 29266Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so. 29267To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's 29268your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked, 29269"Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?" 29270% 29271It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the 29272most widely used higher level language for systems programming. 29273 -- J. Sammet 29274% 29275It cannot be seen, cannot be felt, 29276Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt. 29277It lies behind starts and under hills, 29278And empty holes it fills. 29279It comes first and follows after, 29280Ends life, kills laughter. 29281% 29282"It could be that Walter's horse has wings" does not imply that there is 29283any such animal as Walter's horse, only that there could be; but "Walter's 29284horse is a thing which could have wings" does imply Walter's horse's 29285existence. But the conjunction "Walter's horse exists, and it could be 29286that Walter's horse has wings" still does not imply "Walter's horse is a 29287thing that could have wings", for perhaps it can only be that Walter's 29288horse has wings by Walter having a different horse. Nor does "Walter's 29289horse is a thing which could have wings" conversely imply "It could be that 29290Walter's horse has wings"; for it might be that Walter's horse could only 29291have wings by not being Walter's horse. 29292 29293I would deny, though, that the formula [Necessarily if some x has property P 29294then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand 29295for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is 29296necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a 29297better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me. 29298 -- A. N. Prior, "Time and Modality" 29299% 29300It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being. 29301 -- Benjamin Disraeli 29302% 29303It did not occur to me that my being with two men continuously would 29304interest anyone or arouse anyone's misgivings. I asked for an invitation 29305for Heinrich too, as often as it seemed possible, when Paulus and I were 29306invited to a social gathering. I felt the set of rules others lived by 29307was irrelevant. My childhood attitude -- every attempt to adjust is 29308hopeless and you might just as well follow your own attitudes -- must have 29309carried me. 29310 -- Hannah Tillich, "From Time to Time" 29311% 29312It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations. 29313% 29314It does not matter if you fall down as long as you 29315pick up something from the floor while you get up. 29316% 29317It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've 29318done and what you're going to do. 29319% 29320It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose. 29321% 29322It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out 29323next morning it was someone else. 29324 -- Rogers 29325% 29326It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan 29327which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons, 29328insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather 29329than be the instrument of his army's downfall. 29330 -- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought" 29331% 29332It gets late early out there. 29333 -- Yogi Berra 29334% 29335It got to the point where I had to get a haircut 29336or both feet firmly planted in the air. 29337% 29338It hangs down from the chandelier 29339Nobody knows quite what it does 29340Its color is odd and its shape is weird 29341It emits a high-sounding buzz 29342 29343It grows a couple of feet each day 29344and wriggles with sort of a twitch 29345Nobody bugs it 'cause it comes from 29346a visiting uncle who's rich! 29347 -- To "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear" 29348% 29349It happened long ago 29350In the new magic land 29351The Indians and the buffalo 29352Existed hand in hand 29353The Indians needed food 29354They need skins for a roof 29355The only took what they needed 29356And the buffalo ran loose 29357But then came the white man 29358With his thick and empty head 29359He couldn't see past his billfold 29360He wanted all the buffalo dead 29361It was sad, oh so sad. 29362 -- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo" 29363% 29364It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown 29365came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and 29366applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I 29367think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the 29368wits, who believe that it is a joke. 29369 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855) 29370% 29371It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be 29372most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment, 29373it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind. 29374 -- H. Warner Munn 29375% 29376It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is 29377thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have 29378drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. 29379 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 29380% 29381It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself 29382that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____only* by amusing oneself that 29383one can learn." 29384 -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman 29385% 29386It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have 29387been searching for evidence which could support this. 29388 -- Bertrand Russell 29389% 29390It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends 29391and getting people under the influence. 29392 -- Jeremy Tunstall 29393% 29394It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. 29395% 29396It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill, 29397or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing. It dehumanizes those who 29398achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom 29399good old common sense has not been obliterated by mere book learning or fancy 29400notions. This popular delusion flourishes now more than ever, for we are all 29401infected with it in the schools, where educationists have elevated it from 29402folklore to Article of Belief. It enhances their self-esteem and lightens 29403their labors by providing theoretical justification for deciding that 29404appreciation, or even simple awareness, is more to be prized than knowledge, 29405and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum 29406competence will be quite enough. 29407 -- The Underground Grammarian 29408% 29409It has long been an axiom of mine that the 29410little things are infinitely the most important. 29411 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity" 29412% 29413It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the 29414manes of horses. The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle 29415baker's yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest 29416is nest, and never the mane shall tweet. 29417% 29418It has long been known that one horse can run faster 29419than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial. 29420 -- Lazarus Long 29421% 29422It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of 29423indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury 29424is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim 29425of infanticide. 29426 -- Edmond About 29427% 29428It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens, 29429to argue with the belly, since it has no ears. 29430 -- Marcus Porcius Cato 29431% 29432It is a lesson which all history teaches 29433wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances. 29434 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 29435% 29436It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize. 29437% 29438It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish. 29439 -- Aeschylus 29440% 29441It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was 29442my age, he had been dead for 2 years. 29443 -- Tom Lehrer 29444% 29445It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but 29446it is also very memorable. I vividly recall the night we decided how to 29447organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360. The 29448manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and 29449I were threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities. 29450 The architecture manager had 10 good men. He asserted that they 29451could write the specifications and do it right. It would take ten months, 29452three more than the schedule allowed. 29453 The control program manager had 150 men. He asserted that they 29454could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating; 29455it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule. 29456Furthermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling 29457their thumbs for ten months. 29458 To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control 29459program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time, 29460but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality. I did, and 29461it was. He was right on both counts. Moreover, the lack of conceptual 29462integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would 29463estimate that it added a year to debugging time. 29464 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" 29465% 29466It is a wise father that knows his own child. 29467 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 29468% 29469It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to program. 29470What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing 29471thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical? 29472 -- Alan J. Perlis 29473% 29474It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of 29475Urbana, Illinois. 29476% 29477It is all right to hold a conversation, 29478but you should let go of it now and then. 29479 -- Richard Armour 29480% 29481It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course, 29482you are an exceptionally good liar. 29483 -- Jerome K. Jerome 29484% 29485It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness. 29486% 29487It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a 29488pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the 29489sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color. 29490 -- Voltaire 29491% 29492It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what 29493they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed 29494that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so 29495much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins 29496had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But 29497conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more 29498intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons. 29499 29500Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending 29501destruction of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to 29502alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were 29503misinterpreted ... 29504 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 29505% 29506It is annoying to be honest to no purpose. 29507 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid) 29508% 29509It is bad luck to be superstitious. 29510 -- Andrew W. Mathis 29511% 29512[It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time. 29513 -- K&R 29514% 29515It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be 29516coming up it. 29517 -- Henry Allen 29518% 29519It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck? 29520One in a million, perhaps. 29521% 29522It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged. 29523% 29524It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all. 29525% 29526It is better to burn out than it is to rust. 29527% 29528It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees. 29529% 29530It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same. 29531% 29532It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall. 29533% 29534It is better to have loved and lost -- much better. 29535% 29536It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost. 29537% 29538It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark. 29539% 29540It is better to live rich than to die rich. 29541 -- Samuel Johnson 29542% 29543It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan. 29544% 29545It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental. 29546% 29547It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free, 29548and weight yourself down with invisible chains. 29549% 29550It is better to wear out than to rust out. 29551% 29552It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three 29553benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never 29554to use either. 29555 -- Mark Twain 29556% 29557It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, 29558admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something. 29559 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt 29560% 29561It is contrary to reasoning to say that there 29562is a vacuum or space in which there is absolutely nothing. 29563 -- Rene Descartes 29564% 29565It is convenient that there be gods, and, 29566as it is convenient, let us believe there are. 29567 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid) 29568% 29569It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might 29570remember. 29571 -- Eugene McCarthy 29572% 29573It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary 29574depends upon his not understanding it. 29575 -- Upton Sinclair 29576% 29577It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators. 29578% 29579It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both 29580incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by 29581twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. 29582 -- Rod Serling 29583% 29584It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys. 29585% 29586It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is 29587lightly greased. 29588 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 29589% 29590It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its 29591proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community 29592a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to 29593treat your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the 29594focus of attention, the harder the task. 29595 -- Sydney J. Harris 29596% 29597It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa. 29598% 29599It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. 29600 -- Alfred Adler 29601% 29602It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig. 29603 -- George Santayana 29604% 29605It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end. 29606 -- Leonardo da Vinci 29607% 29608It is easier to run down a hill than up one. 29609% 29610It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct one. 29611% 29612It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted. 29613 -- Aeschylus 29614% 29615It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination 29616of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends... 29617 -- Russell Baker and Charles Peters 29618% 29619It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he 29620holds back one who is hastening. Rather one should befriend the guest who 29621is there, but speed him when he wishes. 29622 -- Homer, "The Odyssey" 29623 29624 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 29625 referring to scheduling.] 29626% 29627It is exactly because a man cannot do a 29628thing that he is a proper judge of it. 29629 -- Oscar Wilde 29630% 29631It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This 29632is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the 29633last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give 29634enough. 29635 -- Quentin Crisp, "How to Become a Virgin" 29636% 29637It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love. 29638% 29639It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities 29640without your help. 29641 -- Miss Manners 29642% 29643It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life. 29644% 29645It is fruitless: 29646 to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid. 29647 29648 to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with 29649 innovative maneuvers. 29650% 29651It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because 29652if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people. 29653 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 29654% 29655It is hard to predict, in particular about the future. 29656 -- Robert Storm Petersen 29657% 29658It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion: 29659love does not lie in the ear. 29660 -- Walpole 29661% 29662It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood 29663Boulevard at one time. 29664% 29665It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia. 29666% 29667It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward 29668the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the 29669case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by 29670crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars. 29671 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 29672% 29673It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised. 29674% 29675It is impossible to defend perfectly 29676against the attack of those who want to die. 29677% 29678It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly 29679unless one has plenty of work to do. 29680 -- Jerome Klapka Jerome 29681% 29682It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry 29683a tune. 29684 -- Woody Allen 29685% 29686It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so 29687ingenious. 29688% 29689It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not 29690desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. 29691 -- Woody Allen 29692% 29693IT IS IN PROCESS: 29694 So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless. 29695% 29696It is indeed desirable to be well descended, 29697but the glory belongs to our ancestors. 29698 -- Plutarch 29699% 29700It is like saying that for the cause of peace, 29701God and the Devil will have a high-level meeting. 29702 -- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China trip 29703% 29704It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his 29705wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when 29706they're alone. The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks 29707like a happy married life. 29708 -- Oscar Wilde 29709% 29710It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our 29711offense consists in doubting it. 29712 -- Justice Robert H. Jackson 29713% 29714It is much easier to be critical than to be correct. 29715 -- Benjamin Disraeli 29716% 29717It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the 29718problem. 29719% 29720It is much harder to find a job than to keep one. 29721% 29722It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be 29723privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to 29724corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles. 29725 -- George Bernard Shaw 29726% 29727It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children. 29728 -- Kingsley Amis 29729% 29730It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide. 29731% 29732It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do, 29733that makes life blessed. 29734 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 29735% 29736It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail. 29737 -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's 29738 [Also attributed to David Merrick. Ed.] 29739 29740It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. 29741 -- Gore Vidal 29742 [Great minds think alike? Ed.] 29743% 29744It is not enough to have a good mind. 29745The main thing is to use it well. 29746 -- Rene Descartes 29747% 29748It is not enough to have great qualities, 29749we should also have the management of them. 29750 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld 29751% 29752It is not every question that deserves an answer. 29753 -- Publilius Syrus 29754% 29755It is not for me to attempt to fathom the 29756inscrutable workings of Providence. 29757 -- The Earl of Birkenhead 29758% 29759It is not good for a man to be without knowledge, 29760and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way. 29761 -- Proverbs 19:2 29762% 29763It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something for 29764dessert. The answer is yes, she would like something for dessert, but 29765she would like you to order it so she can pick at it with your fork. She 29766does not want you to call attention to this by saying, "If you wanted a 29767dessert, why didn't you order one?" You must understand, she has the 29768dessert she wants. The dessert she wants is contained within yours. 29769 -- Merrill Marcoe, "An Insider's Guide to the American Woman" 29770% 29771It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply 29772that Cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be. 29773 -- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics" 29774% 29775It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether 29776the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the 29777man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and 29778blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who 29779knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, and who spends himself in a 29780worthy cause, and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that 29781he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory 29782or defeat. 29783 -- Teddy Roosevelt 29784% 29785It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one 29786damn thing over and over. 29787 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay 29788% 29789It is November first 1940; in the famous sound stage of THE WIZARD OF OZ on 29790the MGM lot, a little man is lying face-up on the yellow brick road. His 29791wide eyes stare upward into the blinding stage lights. He is wearing a 29792kind of comic soldier's uniform with a yellow coat and puffy sleeves and 29793big fez-like blue and yellow hat with a feather on top. His yellow hair 29794and beard are the phony straw color of Hollywood. He could pass for some 29795kind of cute in the typical tinsel-town way if it wasn't for the knife 29796sticking out of his chest. *Someone had murdered a Munchkin.* 29797 -- Stuart Kaminsky, "Murder on the Yellow Brick Road" 29798% 29799It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is? 29800 -- Elizabeth Carpenter 29801% 29802It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit. 29803% 29804It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort 29805to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and 29806chemistry. 29807 -- H. L. Mencken 29808% 29809It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission. 29810 -- Grace Murray Hopper 29811% 29812It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that 29813virginity could be a virtue. 29814 -- Voltaire 29815% 29816It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it. 29817 -- Cervantes 29818% 29819It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live 29820at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result 29821is the only thing that makes the result come true. 29822 -- William James 29823% 29824It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their 29825dignity. 29826% 29827It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared 29828to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great. 29829 -- Havelock Ellis 29830% 29831It is only with the heart one can see clearly; 29832what is essential is invisible to the eye. 29833 -- The Fox, "The Little Prince" 29834% 29835It is perfectly permissible for every system call to fail with [ENOTADUCK] 29836unless the first five bytes of the caller's address space contain the 29837word "quack". 29838 -- Garrett Wollman 29839% 29840It is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to do almost 29841anything in any language}. However, the fact that it is possible to push 29842a pea up a mountain with your nose does not mean that this is a sensible 29843way of getting it there. Each of these techniques of language extension 29844should be used in its proper place. 29845 -- Christopher Strachey 29846% 29847It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen. 29848 -- Maimie Van Doren 29849% 29850It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students that 29851have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are 29852mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration. 29853 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 29854% 29855It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat 29856rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they 29857kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest. 29858 -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's 29859% 29860It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories, 29861his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the 29862worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one 29863day like any other day, only shorter. 29864 -- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies" 29865% 29866It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a 29867sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate 29868in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this, 29869too, shall pass away." 29870 -- Abraham Lincoln 29871% 29872It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the 29873lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as 29874high as the eagle? 29875% 29876It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for. 29877 -- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard 29878% 29879It is so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the 29880devil when he is the only explanation of it. 29881 -- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight" 29882% 29883It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of- 29884yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up. 29885% 29886It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a 29887statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious 29888to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look, 29889which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the 29890highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details, 29891worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour. 29892 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live" 29893% 29894It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion. 29895 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 29896% 29897It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad 29898crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed 29899until the other has gone. 29900% 29901It is the business of little minds to shrink. 29902 -- Carl Sandburg 29903% 29904It is the business of the future to be dangerous. 29905 -- Hawkwind 29906% 29907It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will 29908set a house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs. 29909 -- Francis Bacon 29910% 29911It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters. 29912 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca 29913% 29914It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour. 29915 -- Francis Bacon 29916% 29917It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree. 29918% 29919It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously 29920lives, works and has his being. 29921 -- Thomas Carlyle 29922% 29923It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for 29924five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But 29925it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you. 29926% 29927It is up to us to produce better-quality movies. 29928 -- Lloyd Kaufman, 29929 producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator" 29930% 29931It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist. 29932It produces a false impression. 29933 -- Oscar Wilde 29934% 29935It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure. 29936 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 29937% 29938It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final. 29939 -- Roger Babson 29940% 29941It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire. 29942 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 29943% 29944It isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world. 29945% 29946It isn't easy being green. 29947 -- Kermit the Frog 29948% 29949It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old. However, it's a pretty 29950small price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands 29951computers. 29952% 29953It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be 29954unhappy. 29955 -- Groucho Marx 29956% 29957It isn't whether you win or lose, it's how much money you end up with. 29958 -- Jack T. Shakespeare 29959% 29960It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods 29961to Grandmother's condo. 29962% 29963It looked like something resembling white marble, which was 29964probably what it was: something resembling white marble. 29965 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 29966% 29967It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. 29968% 29969It looks like it's up to me to save our skins. 29970Get into that garbage chute, flyboy! 29971 -- Princess Leia Organa 29972% 29973IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about 29974a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw 29975that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." 29976 29977Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up. 29978 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 29979% 29980It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair 29981to get in, and those within despair of getting out. 29982 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne 29983% 29984It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether *I* win 29985or lose. 29986 -- Darrin Weinberg 29987% 29988It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too 29989good either if you speak when your head is empty. 29990% 29991It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is 29992better still to be a live lion. And usually easier. 29993 -- Lazarus Long 29994% 29995It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a 29996warning to others. 29997% 29998It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done. 29999% 30000It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more 30001doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of 30002a new system. For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit 30003by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders 30004in those who would gain by the new ones. 30005 -- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513 30006% 30007It must have been some unmarried fool that said "A child can ask questions 30008that a wise man cannot answer"; because, in any decent house, a brat that 30009starts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed. 30010 -- Arthur Binstead 30011% 30012It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father. 30013% 30014It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately. 30015% 30016It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of 30017one's life and then come round. 30018 -- Lord Alfred Douglas 30019% 30020It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety. 30021% 30022It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and 30023they'll come out for it. 30024 -- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood 30025 mogul Harry Cohn 30026% 30027It runs like _x, where _x is something unsavory. 30028 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 30029% 30030It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones 30031slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much 30032more. 30033 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects" 30034% 30035It seems a little silly now, but this country 30036was founded as a protest against taxation. 30037% 30038It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should 30039be situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of 30040unnatural acts upon the body politic every day, without benefit of 30041artificial lubrication or foreplay. 30042 -- Pat Calafia's review of Camille Paglia's 30043 "Sex, Art and American Culture" 30044% 30045It seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong. 30046 -- Chris Torek 30047% 30048It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the 30049flag. 30050% 30051It seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level 30052language named "research student". 30053% 30054It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you. 30055% 30056It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how 30057to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things, 30058and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family 30059airedale will come clear across the yard for one pat on the head. The 30060average wife is like that. 30061 -- Episcopal Bishop James Pike 30062% 30063It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the 30064municipality. 30065 -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio 30066% 30067It so happens that everything that is stupid is not unconstitutional. 30068 -- Supreme Court Justice Antonio Scalia 30069% 30070It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it. 30071% 30072It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face. 30073% 30074It takes all kinds to fill the freeways. 30075 -- Crazy Charlie 30076% 30077It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder. 30078% 30079It takes less time to do a thing right 30080than it does to explain why you did it wrong. 30081 -- H. W. Longfellow 30082% 30083It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear. 30084% 30085It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card 30086may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada 30087military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said 30088the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces. One soldier found 30089a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army 30090officers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the 30091Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit. 30092 -- Aviation Week and Space Technology 30093% 30094It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, 30095but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. 30096 -- Robert Benchley 30097% 30098It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the 30099system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine 30100some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very 30101sharp, probably not someone here on campus. 30102 -- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, in 30103 Georgia Tech's campus newspaper after the Internet worm. 30104% 30105It used to be the fun was in 30106The capture and kill. 30107In another place and time 30108I did it all for thrills. 30109 -- Lust to Love 30110% 30111It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. 30112 -- Mark Twain 30113% 30114It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. 30115% 30116It was a brave man that ate the first oyster. 30117% 30118It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest 30119since the middle of my marriage. There was energy, softness, grace and 30120laughter. I even took my socks off. In my circle, that means class. 30121 -- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944" 30122% 30123It was a Roman who said it was sweet to die for one's country. The Greeks 30124never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital lies. 30125 -- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way" 30126% 30127It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set 30128foot. 30129% 30130It was all so different before everything changed. 30131% 30132It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer, 30133when you're stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm. 30134 -- Dion, noted computer scientist 30135% 30136It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a 30137breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was 30138broken ... 30139 -- James Dent 30140% 30141It was one time too many 30142One word too few 30143It was all too much for me and you 30144There was one way to go 30145Nothing more we could do 30146One time too many 30147One word too few 30148 -- Meredith Tanner 30149% 30150It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest. 30151% 30152It was pity stayed his hand. "Pity I don't have any more bullets," 30153thought Frito. 30154 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 30155% 30156It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps 30157I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I 30158don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and 30159the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual 30160charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its 30161novelty. Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but 30162yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable 30163man a lifetime. 30164 -- Thomas Aldrich 30165% 30166It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country 30167road. Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse 30168and knocked on the front door. No one responded. He could feel the water 30169from the roof running down the back of his neck as he stood on the stoop. 30170The next time he knocked louder, but still no answer. By now he was soaked 30171to the skin. Desperately he pounded on the door. At last the head of a 30172man appeared out of an upstairs window. 30173 "What do you want?" he asked gruffly. 30174 "My car broke down," said the traveler, "and I want to know if you 30175would let me stay here for the night." 30176 "Sure," replied the man. "If you want to stay there all night, it's 30177okay with me." 30178% 30179It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline. 30180Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top. 30181 -- Hunter S. Thompson 30182% 30183It was wonderful to find America, but it 30184would have been more wonderful to miss it. 30185 -- Mark Twain 30186% 30187It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded. 30188 -- Tim Conway 30189% 30190It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. 30191It was more like the rose and the teeth were in the same glass. 30192% 30193It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on 30194the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work. 30195% 30196It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human 30197nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant 30198examples. 30199 -- Charles Dickens 30200% 30201It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing 30202warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or 30203two things still safe to eat. 30204 -- Robert Fuoss 30205% 30206It would be nice to be sure of anything 30207the way some people are of everything. 30208% 30209It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now. 30210% 30211Italic, adj.: 30212 Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to 30213 Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases 30214 are often slanted to the left. 30215% 30216It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished. 30217% 30218It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home. 30219 -- Luke Skywalker 30220% 30221It's a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools. 30222 -- Danny Vermin 30223% 30224It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back 30225and party! 30226 -- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space" 30227% 30228It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. 30229 -- Andrew Jackson 30230% 30231It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear. 30232 -- Cheers 30233% 30234It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for. 30235% 30236It's a naive, domestic operating system without any 30237breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption. 30238% 30239It's a poor workman who blames his tools. 30240% 30241It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression 30242when you lose yours. 30243 -- Harry S. Truman 30244% 30245It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. 30246 -- Steven Wright 30247% 30248It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead. 30249 -- Churchy La Femme 30250% 30251It's all in the mind, ya know. 30252% 30253It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back. 30254 -- Mick Jagger 30255% 30256It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand 30257any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are 30258never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come 30259out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb. 30260What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of 30261flesh and blood? We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones 30262half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, mutilation, and 30263then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could 30264have thought it up, I wonder? 30265 -- James Purdy 30266% 30267It's always a long day; 86400 doesn't fit into a short. 30268% 30269It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black. 30270% 30271It's amazing how many people you could be friends 30272with if only they'd make the first approach. 30273% 30274It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope. 30275% 30276It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired. 30277% 30278It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away. 30279 -- Michael Arlen 30280% 30281It's bad enough that life is a rat-race, 30282but why do the rats always have to win? 30283% 30284It's better to be quotable than to be honest. 30285 -- Tom Stoppard 30286% 30287It's better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all. 30288 -- Marty Winch 30289% 30290It's better to burn out than to fade away. 30291% 30292It's business doing pleasure with you. 30293% 30294It's clever, but is it art? 30295% 30296It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame. 30297% 30298"It's easier said than done." 30299 30300... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than 30301said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than 30302said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than 30303done". 30304% 30305It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home. 30306 -- Don Price 30307% 30308It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for 30309being right. 30310% 30311It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together. 30312 -- Washlesky 30313% 30314It's easy to forgive someone for being wrong; 30315it's much harder to forgive them for being right. 30316% 30317It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger. 30318% 30319It's fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an hour! 30320 -- Macy's 30321% 30322Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism 30323in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with 30324the ignorance of the community. 30325 -- Oscar Wilde 30326% 30327It's faster horses, 30328Younger women, 30329Older whiskey and 30330More money. 30331 -- Tom T. Hall, "The Secret of Life" 30332% 30333It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line. 30334 -- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam" 30335% 30336It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the 30337first thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to 30338kill somebody. 30339 -- Dorothy Sayers 30340% 30341It's gonna be alright, 30342It's almost midnight, 30343And I've got two more bottles of wine. 30344% 30345It's hard not to like a man of many qualities, 30346even if most of them are bad. 30347% 30348It's hard to argue that God hated Oklahoma. 30349If He didn't, why is it so close to Texas? 30350% 30351It's hard to be humble when you're perfect. 30352% 30353It's hard to drive at the limit, but 30354it's harder to know where the limits are. 30355 -- Stirling Moss 30356% 30357It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa. 30358 -- Groucho Marx 30359% 30360It's hard to keep your shirt on when 30361you're getting something off your chest. 30362% 30363It's hard to outrun dead people because they don't have to breathe. 30364 -- Hokey, describing "Night of the Living Dead" 30365% 30366It's hard to think of you as the end 30367result of millions of years of evolution. 30368% 30369It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse. 30370% 30371It's important that people know what you stand for. 30372It's more important that they know what you won't stand for. 30373% 30374It's interesting to think that many quite 30375distinguished people have bodies similar to yours. 30376% 30377It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. 30378If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't 30379our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. 30380 -- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News" 30381% 30382It's just a jump to the left 30383 And then a step to the right. 30384Put your hands on your hips 30385 You bring your knees in tight. 30386But it's the pelvic thrust 30387 That really drives you insa-a-a-a-a-ane! 30388 30389 LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! 30390 30391 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show 30392% 30393It's just apartment house rules, 30394So all you 'partment house fools 30395Remember: one man's ceiling is another man's floor. 30396One man's ceiling is another man's floor. 30397 -- Paul Simon, "One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor" 30398% 30399It's kind of fun to do the impossible. 30400 -- Walt Disney 30401% 30402It's later than you think. 30403% 30404It's later than you think, the joint 30405Russian-American space mission has already begun. 30406% 30407It's like deja vu all over again. 30408 -- Yogi Berra 30409% 30410It's Like This 30411 30412Even the samurai 30413have teddy bears, 30414and even the teddy bears 30415get drunk. 30416% 30417It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong 30418direction. 30419% 30420It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre. 30421 -- Sam Goldwyn 30422% 30423It's multiple choice time... 30424 30425 What is FORTRAN? 30426 30427 a: Between thre and fiv tran. 30428 b: What two computers engage in before they interface. 30429 c: Ridiculous. 30430% 30431Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence. 30432It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God. 30433 -- Mark Twain 30434% 30435It's never too late to have a happy childhood. 30436% 30437It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding 30438a sickness you like. 30439 -- Jackie Mason 30440% 30441It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how 30442to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair. 30443 -- George Burns 30444% 30445It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat. 30446% 30447It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon. 30448 -- Tom Lehrer 30449% 30450It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. 30451 -- Phil White 30452% 30453It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either. 30454 -- Kevin White, Mayor of Boston 30455% 30456It's not easy being green. 30457 -- Kermit 30458% 30459It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too. 30460 -- Alexander Korda 30461% 30462It's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong. 30463 -- J. K. Galbraith 30464% 30465It's not just a computer -- it's your ass. 30466 -- Cal Keegan 30467% 30468It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's 30469what you're taking for it... 30470% 30471It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things. 30472% 30473It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off 30474the ground. 30475 -- Daniel B. Luten 30476% 30477It's not that I'm afraid to die. 30478I just don't want to be there when it happens. 30479 -- Woody Allen 30480% 30481It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing. 30482% 30483It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts. 30484 -- Mae West 30485% 30486It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips. 30487 -- Garfield 30488% 30489It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game. 30490 -- Grantland Rice 30491% 30492It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game. 30493% 30494It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame. 30495% 30496It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that 30497English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many 30498other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case. 30499 -- Sydney J. Harris 30500% 30501It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain 30502what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess. 30503 -- Roger Noe 30504% 30505It's our fault. We should have given him better parts. 30506 -- Jack Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been 30507 elected governor of California. 30508 30509[Warner is also reported to have said, when told of Reagan's candidacy 30510for governor, "No, Jimmy Stewart for Governor; Reagan for best friend."] 30511% 30512It's possible that the whole purpose of your life is to serve 30513as a warning to others. 30514% 30515It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; 30516poverty and wealth have both failed. 30517 -- Kin Hubbard 30518% 30519It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ... 30520% 30521It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles. 30522% 30523It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough, 30524society will take full responsibility for you. 30525% 30526It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped 30527using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys. Seems that there are not 30528only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached. The only 30529difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental 30530results to humans. 30531 30532 [Also, there are some things even a rat won't do. Ed.] 30533% 30534It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers 30535have been all over it. 30536 -- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine 30537% 30538It's so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment, 30539 just to see if it's real, 30540Oooh, it's so erotic having you tell me how it should feel, 30541But I'm avoiding all the hard cold facts that I got to face, 30542So ask me just one question when this magic night is through, 30543Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you? 30544 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses" 30545% 30546It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten. 30547% 30548It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are? 30549% 30550It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time. 30551 -- Tallulah Bankhead 30552% 30553It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which raises 30554the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody not to. 30555 -- Franklin P. Jones 30556% 30557It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer... 30558boy gets another beer. 30559 -- Cheers 30560% 30561It's the thought, if any, that counts! 30562% 30563It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're 30564madly in love, drunk, or running for office. 30565% 30566It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the 30567venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out. 30568 -- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy 30569% 30570It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never 30571know when everything may suddenly stop happening. 30572% 30573IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or 30574 equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to 30575 spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. 30576 Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it 30577 inevitably unsuccessful. 30578 V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear. 30579 Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel 30580 them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an 30581 adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to 30582 the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. 30583 The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding 30584 auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight. 30585VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. 30586 This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a 30587 character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of 30588 altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common 30589 as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A "wacky" 30590 character has the option of self-replication only at manic high 30591 speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required. 30592 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 30593% 30594I've already told you more than I know. 30595% 30596I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers. 30597% 30598I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember, 30599when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day! 30600% 30601I've always made it a solemn practice to never 30602drink anything stronger than tequila before breakfast. 30603 -- R. Nesson 30604% 30605I've been in more laps than a napkin. 30606 -- Mae West 30607% 30608I've Been Moved! 30609% 30610I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks. 30611 -- Totie Fields 30612% 30613I've been on this lonely road so long, 30614Does anybody know where it goes, 30615I remember last time the signs pointed home, 30616A month ago. 30617 -- Carpenters, "Road Ode" 30618% 30619I've been there. 30620% 30621I've built a better model than the one at Data General 30622For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral 30623My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality; 30624My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality. 30625My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity, 30626You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity; 30627There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting; 30628My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting. 30629 30630I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point: 30631There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point, 30632Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral 30633I've built a better model than the one at Data General. 30634 30635 -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of 30636 "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance", 30637 by Gilbert & Sullivan) 30638% 30639I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand. 30640% 30641I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means. 30642It means we get to keep all our old mistakes. 30643 -- Dennie van Tassel 30644% 30645I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was 30646this little hole in the bottom ... 30647 -- John Croll 30648% 30649I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself. 30650% 30651I've got a very bad feeling about this. 30652 -- Han Solo 30653% 30654I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock. 30655 -- Henny Youngman 30656% 30657I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. 30658 -- Groucho Marx 30659% 30660I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes 30661on the same day. 30662% 30663I've looked at the listing, and it's right! 30664 -- Joel Halpern 30665% 30666I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must 30667be just a few simple heuristics you have to remember... 30668 30669Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks. 30670% 30671I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved. 30672 -- George Gobel 30673% 30674I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say. 30675 -- Calvin Coolidge 30676% 30677I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police. 30678 -- Keith Richards 30679 30680I never turn blue in anyone's bathroom. I think that's the height of 30681bad taste. 30682 -- Keith Richards 30683% 30684I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother. 30685 -- W. C. Fields 30686% 30687I've noticed several design suggestions in your code. 30688% 30689I've only got 12 cards. 30690% 30691I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer. 30692 -- Senator Claghorn 30693% 30694I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men. They're not 30695like other men. Their spirit is great and stimulating. They hate strife; 30696indeed they reject it. Their inventive gifts are boundless. They demand 30697devotion and obedience. And a sense of humor. I happily gave all of this. 30698I was lucky to be chosen and clever enough to understand them. 30699 -- Marlene Dietrich, on her friendship with Ernest Hemingway 30700% 30701I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness; 30702And from that full meridian of my glory 30703I haste now to my setting. I shall fall, 30704Like a bright exhalation in the evening 30705And no man see me more. 30706 -- William Shakespeare 30707% 30708I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes 30709me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw. 30710 -- Tallulah Bankhead 30711% 30712Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: 30713 No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the 30714 legislature is in session. 30715% 30716jake hates 30717 all the girls(the 30718shy ones, the bold paul scorns all 30719ones; the meek the girls(the 30720proud sloppy sleek) bright ones, the dim 30721all except the cold ones; the slim 30722 ones plump tiny tall) 30723 all except the 30724 dull ones 30725gus loves all the 30726 girls(the 30727warped ones, the lamed mike likes all the girls 30728ones; the mad (the 30729moronic maimed) fat ones, the lean 30730all except ones; the mean 30731 the dead ones kind dirty clean) 30732 all 30733 except the green ones 30734 -- e. e. cummings 30735% 30736James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total 30737indifference to public notice to be universally recognized. 30738 -- Tom Stoppard 30739% 30740James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his 30741West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life, 30742"If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general." 30743% 30744Jane and I got mixed up with a television show -- or as we call it back 30745east here: TV -- a clever contraction derived from the words Terrible 30746Vaudeville. However, it is our latest medium -- we call it a medium 30747because nothing's well done. It was discovered, I suppose you've heard, 30748by a man named Fulton Berle, and it has already revolutionized social 30749grace by cutting down parlour conversation to two sentences: "What's on 30750television?" and "Good night". 30751 -- Goodman Ace, letter to Groucho Marx, in The Groucho 30752 Letters, 1967 30753% 30754Japan, n.: 30755 A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists 30756 create electronic equipment and computers using black magic. It 30757 is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are 30758 paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from 30759 which they are harvested by the happy natives. 30760% 30761Jealousy is all the fun you think they have. 30762% 30763Jenkinson's Law: 30764 It won't work. 30765% 30766Jim, it's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account. 30767You don't have five-hundred dollars. You have fifty. Sorry, computer foul-up! 30768% 30769Jim, it's Jack. I'm at the airport. I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay 30770you the five-hundred I owe you. Catch you next year when I get back! 30771% 30772Jim Nasium's Law: 30773 In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people 30774 using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to 30775 each other so that everybody is cramped. 30776% 30777Jim, this is Janelle. I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and 30778I gotta find a safe place for Daffy. He loves you, Jim! It's only two 30779days, and you'll see. Great Danes are no problem! 30780% 30781Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's. Some guy named Angel 30782Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab. And now he wants to charge it 30783to you. You gonna pay it? 30784% 30785JOB INTERVIEW: 30786 The excruciating process during which personnel officers 30787 separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff. 30788% 30789Job Placement, n.: 30790 Telling your boss what he can do with your job. 30791% 30792Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his Frisbee. 30793 -- Snoopy 30794% 30795Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside. 30796Her voice was little more than a whisper. 30797 "Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make 30798before I go. I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe... 30799I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles. And it was I who 30800forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported 30801your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..." 30802 "That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought," 30803whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you." 30804% 30805Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes! 30806% 30807Jogger, n.: 30808 An odd sort of person with a thing for pain. 30809% 30810John Dame May Oscar 30811Was Gay Was Whitty Was Wilde 30812But Gerard Hopkins But John Greenleaf But Thornton 30813Was Manley Was Whittier Was Wilder 30814 -- Willard Espy 30815% 30816JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!! 30817 30818(George and Ringo miffed.) 30819% 30820John the Baptist after poisoning a thief, 30821Looks up at his hero, the Commander-in-Chief, 30822Saying tell me great leader, but please make it brief 30823Is there a hole for me to get sick in? 30824The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly, 30825Saying death to all those who would whimper and cry. 30826And dropping a barbell he points to the sky, 30827Saying the sun is not yellow, it's chicken. 30828 -- Bob Dylan, "Tombstone Blues" 30829% 30830Johnny Carson's Definition: 30831 The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs 30832 in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the 30833 taxi driver behind you blowing his horn. 30834% 30835Johnson's First Law: 30836 When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the 30837 most inconvenient possible time. 30838% 30839Johnson's law: 30840 Systems resemble the organizations that create them. 30841% 30842Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called "Bureaucracy". 30843Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do anything loses. 30844% 30845Join the army, see the world, meet interesting, 30846exciting people, and kill them. 30847% 30848Join the march to save individuality! 30849% 30850Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands, 30851meet exciting interesting people, and kill them. 30852% 30853Jones' First Law: 30854 Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of 30855 endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an 30856 obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the 30857 importance of their original contribution. 30858% 30859Jone's Motto: 30860 Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. 30861% 30862Jones' Second Law: 30863 The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone 30864 to blame it on. 30865% 30866Joshu: What is the true Way? 30867Nansen: Every way is the true Way. 30868J: Can I study it? 30869N: The more you study, the further from the Way. 30870J: If I don't study it, how can I know it? 30871N: The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen. 30872 It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown. Do 30873 not seek it, study it, or name it. To find yourself on it, open 30874 yourself as wide as the sky. 30875% 30876Journalism is literature in a hurry. 30877 -- Matthew Arnold 30878% 30879Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it. 30880% 30881Juall's Law on Nice Guys: 30882 Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish. 30883 Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start! 30884% 30885Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that 30886reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away 30887someone else's cash. 30888 -- P. G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier" 30889% 30890Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake. 30891Pick one. 30892 308931: It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake. 308942: It's cheaper than going to France. 308953: It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday. 308964: Life is short. 308975: It's somebody's birthday. I don't want them to celebrate alone. 308986: It matches my eyes. 308997: Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me. 309008: To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday. 309019: Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating. 3090210: Strawberry shortcake is evil. I must help rid the world of it. 3090311: I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff. 3090412: It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli. 30905% 30906Just a song before I go, Going through security 30907To whom it may concern, I held her for so long. 30908Traveling twice the speed of sound She finally looked at me in love, 30909It's easy to get burned. And she was gone. 30910When the shows were over Just a song before I go, 30911We had to get back home, A lesson to be learned. 30912And when we opened up the door Traveling twice the speed of sound 30913I had to be alone. It's easy to get burned. 30914She helped me with my suitcase, 30915She stands before my eyes, 30916Driving me to the airport 30917And to the friendly skies. 30918 -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Just a Song Before I Go" 30919% 30920Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac 30921(and nobody cares about it). 30922 -- Bill Joy 6/21/85 30923% 30924Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I cannot 30925remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in daydreams about 30926women. 30927 -- George Bernard Shaw 30928% 30929Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good 30930solutions seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires 30931one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the 30932winner. The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is 30933because neither side has all the facts. Therefore, when the wise 30934mediator effects a compromise, he is not acting from political 30935motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep sense of respect for the 30936whole truth. 30937 -- Stephen R. Schwambach 30938% 30939Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has changed. 30940 -- Irene Peter 30941% 30942Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work. 30943% 30944Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't 30945going to get hit. 30946 -- Joey 30947% 30948Just because the message may never be 30949received does not mean it is not worth sending. 30950% 30951Just because they are called "forbidden" transitions does not mean that they 30952are forbidden. They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see 30953what I mean. 30954 -- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture 30955% 30956Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything. 30957 -- Bob Dylan 30958% 30959Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he 30960knows what it is. 30961% 30962Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you. 30963% 30964Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times, 30965and think to yourself, "There's no place like home." 30966 -- Billie Burke as Glinda, "The Wizard of Oz" 30967% 30968Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours. 30969% 30970Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you 30971get a prompt, type like hell. 30972% 30973Just how difficult it is to write biography can be reckoned by anybody 30974who sits down and considers just how many people know the real truth 30975about his or her love affairs. 30976 -- Rebecca West 30977% 30978Just machines to make big decisions, 30979Programmed by men for compassion and vision, 30980We'll be clean when their work is done, 30981We'll be eternally free, yes, eternally young, 30982What a beautiful world this will be, 30983What a glorious time to be free. 30984 -- Donald Fagon, "What A Beautiful World" 30985% 30986Just once, I wish we would encounter 30987an alien menace that wasn't immune to bullets. 30988 -- The Brigadier, "Doctor Who" 30989% 30990Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some 30991of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated? 30992 -- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US 30993% 30994Just remember, it all started with a mouse. 30995 -- Walt Disney 30996% 30997Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to 30998twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty! 30999% 31000`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried, 31001 As he landed his crew with care; 31002Supporting each man on the top of the tide 31003 By a finger entwined in his hair. 31004 31005`Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice: 31006 That alone should encourage the crew. 31007Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice: 31008 What I tell you three times is true.' 31009 -- Lewis Carroll, "The Hunting of the Snark" 31010% 31011Just think -- blessed SCSI cables! Do a big enough sacrifice and create 31012a +5 blessed SCSI cable of connectivity. 31013 -- Lionel Lauer 31014% 31015Just to have it is enough. 31016% 31017Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt 31018of all the others, and then do what's best. 31019 -- Lovers and Other Strangers 31020% 31021Just what does "it" mean in the sentence, "What time is it?" 31022% 31023Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a 31024faster rat!!! 31025% 31026Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone, 31027Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you, 31028I went out this morning and I wrote down this song, 31029Just can't remember who to send it to... 31030 31031Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain, 31032I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end, 31033I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend, 31034But I always thought that I'd see you again. 31035Thought I'd see you one more time again. 31036 -- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain" 31037% 31038Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven! 31039 -- Michael J. Wagner 31040% 31041Justice is incidental to law and order. 31042 -- J. Edgar Hoover 31043% 31044Justice, n.: 31045 A decision in your favor. 31046% 31047K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining; 31048 Cobol's wordy and confining; 31049 KOBOLDS topple when you strike them; 31050 Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them. 31051 -- The Roguelet's ABC 31052% 31053Kafka's Law: 31054 In the fight between you and the world, back the world. 31055 -- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days" 31056% 31057Kamikazes do it once. 31058% 31059KANSAS: 31060 Where the men are men and so are the women! 31061% 31062Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to 31063wear tail lights. 31064% 31065Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages: 31066 31067For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING 31068package of snack food. 31069 31070Gibson the Cat's Corollary: 31071 31072For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package 31073of lunch meat. 31074% 31075Kath: Can he be present at the birth of his child? 31076Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present 31077 at the conception. 31078 -- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane" 31079% 31080Katz' Law: 31081 Men and nations will act rationally when all other 31082possibilities have been exhausted. 31083 31084History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have 31085exhausted all other alternatives. 31086 -- Abba Eban 31087% 31088Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics: 31089 Population density is inversely proportional 31090 to the square of the distance from the keg. 31091% 31092Kaufman's Law: 31093 A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence 31094 of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned. 31095% 31096Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you. 31097 -- Mae West 31098% 31099Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans. 31100% 31101Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she 31102With silent lips. Give me your tired, your poor, 31103Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, 31104The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. 31105Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me... 31106 -- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus" 31107% 31108Keep cool, but don't freeze. 31109 -- Hellman's Mayonnaise 31110% 31111Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis. 31112% 31113Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo. 31114% 31115Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee: 31116 1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc 31117 straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this 31118 force is technically termed "car suck"). 31119 2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive 31120 than "Watch this!" 31121 3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly 31122 proportional to the cost of hitting it. For instance, a 31123 Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or 31124 a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy. 31125 4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the 31126 cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the 31127 Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you 31128 in the head and knock you silly. 31129% 31130Keep it short for pithy sake. 31131% 31132Keep on keepin' on. 31133% 31134Keep patting your enemy on the back until a 31135small bullet hole appears between your fingers. 31136 -- Joe Bonanno 31137% 31138Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum. 31139 -- D. Gries 31140% 31141Keep the phase, baby. 31142% 31143Keep up the good work! But please don't ask me to help. 31144% 31145Keep women you cannot. Marry them and they come to hate the way 31146you walk across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you 31147at the end of six months. 31148 -- Moore 31149% 31150Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. 31151% 31152Keep your Eye on the Ball, 31153Your Shoulder to the Wheel, 31154Your Nose to the Grindstone, 31155Your Feet on the Ground, 31156Your Head on your Shoulders. 31157Now... try to get something DONE! 31158% 31159Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. 31160 -- Benjamin Franklin 31161% 31162Keep your laws off my body! 31163% 31164Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid; 31165Open it and you remove all doubt. 31166% 31167Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most 31168automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor any of the 31169numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the 31170driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the 31171dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know 31172what's wrong." 31173% 31174Kennedy's Market Theorem: 31175 Given enough inside information and unlimited credit, 31176 you've got to go broke. 31177% 31178Kent's Heuristic: 31179 Look for it first where you'd most like to find it. 31180% 31181Kern, v.: 31182 1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear 31183 of corn. 2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small, 31184 metal object used as part of the monetary system. 31185% 31186KERNEL: 31187 A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval 31188 traditions of sorcery and black art. 31189% 31190Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: 31191 Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students, 31192and parking for the faculty. 31193% 31194Kettering's Observation: 31195 Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence. 31196% 31197Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on. 31198% 31199Kids have *_____never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could 31200travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the 31201original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate 31202teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for 31203grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate 31204teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves. 31205 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly Do" 31206% 31207Kill a commy for your mommy. 31208% 31209Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out. 31210% 31211Kill for the love of killing! Kill for the love of Kali! 31212 -- Hindu saying 31213% 31214Kill Kill, 31215Hate Hate, 31216Murder, Maim, and Mutilate! 31217% 31218Kill your parents. 31219 -- Jerry Rubin 31220% 31221Killing turkeys causes winter. 31222% 31223Kilroe hic erat! 31224% 31225Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness: 31226 Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks. 31227% 31228Kin, n.: 31229 An affliction of the blood. 31230% 31231Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read. 31232 -- Mark Twain 31233% 31234Kindness is the beginning of cruelty. 31235 -- Muad'dib, "Dune" 31236% 31237Kington's Law of Perforation: 31238 If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such 31239 as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest 31240 part of the paper. 31241% 31242Kinkler's First Law: 31243 Responsibility always exceeds authority. 31244 31245Kinkler's Second Law: 31246 All the easy problems have been solved. 31247% 31248Kirk to Enterprise... 31249% 31250Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack. 31251% 31252Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through 31253any of its streets. 31254% 31255Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference. 31256% 31257Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday. 31258 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" 31259% 31260Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. 31261% 31262Kiss your keyboard goodbye! 31263% 31264Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle. 31265% 31266Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray. 31267% 31268Kissing don't last, cookery do. 31269 -- George Meredith 31270% 31271Kissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond and 31272sapphire bracelet lasts for ever. 31273 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" 31274% 31275Kitchen activity is highlighted. 31276Butter up a friend. 31277% 31278Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it. 31279 -- Winston Churchill 31280% 31281Klatu barada nikto. 31282% 31283Kleeneness is next to Godelness. 31284% 31285Klein bottle for sale -- inquire within. 31286% 31287Kleptomaniac, n.: 31288 A rich thief. 31289 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 31290% 31291Kliban's First Law of Dining: 31292 Never eat anything bigger than your head. 31293% 31294Klingon phaser attack from front!!!!! 31295100% Damage to life support!!!! 31296% 31297Kludge, n.: 31298 An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a 31299 distressing whole. 31300 -- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation" 31301% 31302Knebel's Law: 31303 It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading 31304 causes of statistics. 31305% 31306Knights are hardly worth it. 31307I mean, all that shell and so little meat... 31308% 31309Knock, knock! 31310 Who's there? 31311Sam and Janet. 31312 Sam and Janet who? 31313Sam and Janet Evening... 31314% 31315Knock Knock... (who's there?) Ether! (ether who?) Eather Bunny... Yea! 31316[chorus] 31317 Yeay! 31318 Stay on the Happy side, always on the happy side, 31319 Stay on the Happy side of life! 31320 Bum bum bum bum bum bum 31321 You will feel no pain, as we drive you insane, 31322 So Stay on the Happy Side of life! 31323 31324Knock Knock... (who's there?) Anna! (anna who?) 31325 An another eather bunny... [chorus] 31326Knock Knock... (who's there?) Stilla! (stilla who?) 31327 Still another ether bunny... [chorus] 31328Knock Knock... (who's there?) Yetta! (yetta who?) 31329 Yet another ether bunny... [chorus] 31330Knock Knock... (who's there?) Cargo! (cargo who?) 31331 Cargo beep beep and run over eather bunny... [chorus] 31332Knock Knock... (who's there?) Boo! (boo who?) 31333 Don't Cry! Eather bunny be back next year! [chorus] 31334% 31335Knocked, you weren't in. 31336 -- Opportunity 31337% 31338Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers? 31339 31340-- No? 31341 31342GOOD! 31343% 31344Know Thy User. 31345% 31346Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A. 31347% 31348Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. 31349 -- Henry N. Camp 31350% 31351KNOWLEDGE: 31352 Things you believe. 31353% 31354Knowledge is power. 31355 -- Francis Bacon 31356% 31357Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost. 31358 -- Aleister Crowley 31359% 31360Knowledge without common sense is folly. 31361% 31362Knucklehead: "Knock, knock" 31363Pee Wee: "Who's there?" 31364Knucklehead: "Little ol' lady." 31365Pee Wee: "Liddle ol' lady who?" 31366Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel" 31367% 31368Kramer's Law: 31369 You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks. 31370% 31371Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr): 31372 The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. 31373 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 31374% 31375LA: 31376 Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed 31377 is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation. 31378 From mud slides to brush fires. 31379% 31380Labor, n.: 31381 One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. 31382 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 31383% 31384Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest. 31385% 31386Lack of money is the root of all evil. 31387 -- George Bernard Shaw 31388% 31389Lackland's Laws: 31390 1. Never be first. 31391 2. Never be last. 31392 3. Never volunteer for anything. 31393% 31394Lactomangulation, n.: 31395 Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly 31396 that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. 31397 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 31398% 31399La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah. 31400% 31401Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps, 31402Cross-eyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants, 31403I come before you to stand behind you 31404To tell you of something I know nothing about. 31405Next Thursday (which is good Friday), 31406There will be a convention held in the 31407Women's Club which is strictly for Men. 31408Admission is free, pay at the door, 31409Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor. 31410It was a summer's day in winter, 31411And the snow was raining fast, 31412As a barefoot boy with shoes on, 31413Stood sitting in the grass. 31414Oh, that bright day in the dead of night, 31415Two dead men got up to fight. 31416Three blind men to see fair play, 31417Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"! 31418Back to back, they faced each other, 31419Drew their swords and shot each other. 31420A deaf policeman heard the noise, 31421Came and arrested those two dead boys. 31422% 31423Ladies, here's a hint: If you're playing against a friend who has big 31424boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys. That's 31425the hardest shot for the well endowed. "I've got to hit over them or 31426under them, but I can't hit through," Annie Jones used to always moan 31427to me. Not having much in my bra, I found it hard to sympathize with 31428her. 31429 -- Billie Jean King 31430% 31431Lady, lady, should you meet 31432One whose ways are all discreet, 31433One who murmurs that his wife 31434Is the lodestar of his life, 31435One who keeps assuring you 31436That he never was untrue, 31437Never loved another one... 31438Lady, lady, better run! 31439 -- Dorothy Parker, "Social Note" 31440% 31441Lady Luck brings added income today. 31442Lady friend takes it away tonight. 31443% 31444Lady Nancy Astor: 31445 "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee." 31446Winston Churchill: 31447 "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it." 31448 31449Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what 31450disguise she would recommend for him. She replied, "Why don't you come 31451sober, Mr. Prime Minister?" 31452 31453 During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet 31454luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second 31455helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?" 31456 "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for 31457white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely. 31458 The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from 31459her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if 31460you would pin this on your white meat." 31461% 31462Ladybug, ladybug, 31463Look to your stern! 31464Your house is on fire, 31465Your children will burn! 31466So jump ye and sing, for 31467The very first time 31468The four lines above 31469Have been put into rhyme. 31470 -- Walt Kelly 31471% 31472Laetrile is the pits. 31473% 31474Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if 31475each acts like a vulture, all will end as doves. 31476% 31477Lake Erie died for your sins. 31478% 31479((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz)) 31480% 31481Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant. While describing his 31482duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee 31483table and warned him that he was not to take any. Some days later, the new 31484manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some 31485of the candy. Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the 31486candy, and said: 31487 "Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?" 31488% 31489Langsam's Laws: 31490 (1) Everything depends. 31491 (2) Nothing is always. 31492 (3) Everything is sometimes. 31493% 31494Language is a virus from another planet. 31495 -- William Burroughs 31496% 31497Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record. 31498Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date? 31499Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by 31500 20,000 women. 31501 -- Lank and Earl 31502% 31503Lansdale seized on the idea of using Nixon to build support for the 31504[Vietnamese] elections ... really honest elections, this time. "Oh, sure, 31505honest, yes, that's right," Nixon said, "so long as you win!" With that 31506he winked, drove his elbow into Lansdale's arm and slapped his own knee. 31507 -- Richard M. Nixon, quoted in "Sideshow" by W. Shawcross 31508% 31509Large increases in cost with questionable increases in 31510performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women. 31511 -- Lord Kelvin 31512% 31513Largest Number of Driving Test Failures 31514 By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-nine 31515times. In the eight preceding years she had received two hundred and 31516twelve driving lessons at a cost of L300. She set the new record while 31517driving triumphantly through a set of red traffic lights in Wakefield, 31518Yorkshire. Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August 315191970) but eight years later she showed some of her old magic when she was 31520reported as saying that she still didn't like doing right-hand turns. 31521 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 31522% 31523Larkinson's Law: 31524 All laws are basically false. 31525% 31526LASER: 31527 Failed death ray. 31528% 31529Last guys don't finish nice. 31530 -- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs 31531% 31532Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up 31533the pillow was gone. 31534 -- Tommy Cooper 31535% 31536Last night I met upon the stair 31537A little man who wasn't there. 31538He wasn't there again today. 31539Gee how I wish he'd go away! 31540% 31541Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash.... 31542The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops. 31543 -- Steven Wright 31544% 31545Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record. 31546I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense of humor. 31547% 31548Last week's pet, this week's special. 31549% 31550Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving... 31551every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip. 31552I don't remember what it was. 31553 -- Steven Wright 31554% 31555Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won. 31556% 31557Latin is a language, 31558As dead as can be. 31559First it killed the Romans, 31560And now it's killing me. 31561% 31562Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either. 31563% 31564Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. 31565% 31566Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot. 31567% 31568Laugh at your problems: everybody else does. 31569% 31570Laugh when you can; cry when you must. 31571% 31572Laughing at you is like drop kicking a wounded humming bird. 31573% 31574Laughter is the closest distance between two people. 31575 -- Victor Borge 31576% 31577Laura's Law: 31578 No child throws up in the bathroom. 31579% 31580Lavish spending can be disastrous. 31581Don't buy any lavishes for a while. 31582% 31583Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum 31584force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise. 31585 -- Richard M. Nixon 31586% 31587Law of Communications: 31588 The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications 31589between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of 31590misunderstanding. 31591% 31592Law of Continuity: 31593 Experiments should be reproducible. 31594 They should all fail the same way. 31595% 31596Law of Probable Dispersal: 31597 Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 31598% 31599Law of Selective Gravity: 31600 An object will fall so as to do the most damage. 31601 31602Jenning's Corollary: 31603 The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is 31604 directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. 31605% 31606Law of the Jungle: 31607 He who hesitates is lunch. 31608% 31609Law of the Yukon: 31610 Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery. 31611% 31612Law stands mute in the midst of arms. 31613 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero 31614% 31615Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws! 31616% 31617Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk. 31618% 31619Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made. 31620 -- Otto von Bismarck 31621% 31622Laws of Computer Programming: 31623 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 31624 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer. 31625 3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. 31626 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. 31627 5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. 31628 6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output. 31629 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of 31630 the programmer who must maintain it. 31631% 31632Laws of Serendipity: 31633 31634 (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for 31635 something. 31636 (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already 31637 be engaged in making an inferior one. 31638% 31639Lawsuit, n.: 31640 A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. 31641 -- Ambrose Bierce 31642% 31643Lawyer's Rule: 31644 When the law is against you, argue the facts. 31645 When the facts are against you, argue the law. 31646 When both are against you, call the other lawyer names. 31647% 31648Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar. 31649 -- S. J. Perelman 31650% 31651Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!". 31652 -- William Shakespeare 31653% 31654Layers are for cakes, not for software. 31655 -- Bart Smaalders 31656% 31657Lays eggs inside a paper bag; 31658The reason, you will see, no doubt, 31659Is to keep the lightning out. 31660But what these unobservant birds 31661Have failed to notice is that herds 31662Of bears may come with buns 31663And steal the bags to hold the crumbs. 31664% 31665Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: 31666 No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- 31667 approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. 31668% 31669LAZY: 31670 Marrying a pregnant woman. 31671% 31672Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what 31673is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and 31674smaller -- and there are many more of them. 31675 -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends" 31676% 31677Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own. 31678% 31679Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you. 31680% 31681Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads. 31682% 31683Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose. 31684% 31685LEARNING CURVE: 31686 An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants 31687 in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the 31688 quicker you can do it. 31689% 31690Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and 31691everything else follows in the same way. 31692 -- Alan J. Perlis 31693% 31694Learning without thought is labor lost; 31695thought without learning is perilous. 31696 -- Confucius 31697% 31698Leave no stone unturned. 31699 -- Euripides 31700% 31701Lee's Law: 31702 Mother said there would be days like this, 31703 but she never said that there'd be so many! 31704% 31705Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. 31706% 31707Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the 31708fun? 31709% 31710Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907: 31711 "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour 31712unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a 31713drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he 31714can." 31715% 31716Leibowitz's Rule: 31717 When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you 31718hold the hammer with both hands. 31719% 31720Lemma: All horses are the same color. 31721Proof (by induction): 31722 Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all 31723 horses in that set are the same color. 31724 Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these 31725 horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all 31726 of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you 31727 took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k 31728 horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses 31729 are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all 31730 horses are the same color. 31731Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs. 31732Proof (by intimidation): 31733 Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It 31734 is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in 31735 back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a 31736 horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is 31737 infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs. 31738 However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an 31739 infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different 31740 color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist. 31741% 31742Lemmings don't grow older, they just die. 31743% 31744Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you. 31745% 31746Lensmen eat Jedi for breakfast. 31747% 31748LEO (Jul. 23 to Aug. 22) 31749 Your presence, poise, charm and good looks won't even help you today. 31750 Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you. Be on 31751 your toes. Brush your teeth. Take Geritol. 31752% 31753LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) 31754 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are 31755 pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike 31756 honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people 31757 are thieves. 31758% 31759LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) 31760 Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. 31761 Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because 31762 you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of 31763 fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got 31764 a sick sense of humor. 31765% 31766Lesbian QOTD: 31767I didn't give up sex, I just gave up premature ejaculation. 31768% 31769Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage. 31770 -- Publilius Syrus 31771% 31772Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday. 31773% 31774Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish. 31775 -- William Shakespeare, "Coriolanus" 31776% 31777Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a 31778number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and 31779another number. 31780 -- James Estes 31781% 31782Let me not to the marriage of true minds 31783Admit impediments. Love is not love 31784Which alters when it alteration finds, 31785Or bends with the remover to remove. 31786O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark, 31787That looks on tempests and is never shaken; 31788It is the star to every wandering bark, 31789Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken. 31790Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks 31791Within his bending sickle's compass come; 31792Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, 31793But bears it out even to the edge of doom. 31794If this be error and upon me proved, 31795I never writ, nor no man ever loved. 31796 -- William Shakespeare, Sonnet CXVI 31797% 31798Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience. 31799% 31800Let me take you a button-hole lower. 31801 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 31802% 31803Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, you have 31804George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing 31805wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval 31806of the Republican Right. For example, they had him make a speech oozing 31807praise all over William Loeb, deceased publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) 31808Union Leader and Slime Journalist. Loeb had dumped viciously all over George 31809in the 1980 New Hampshire primary. But when the Right held a big tribute 31810for Loeb, George came back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped 31811around his neck. 31812 -- Dave Barry 31813% 31814Let my own body be exhausted, 31815But not the wealth of my state. 31816Let my mortal body vanish, 31817But not the power of my state. 31818 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan 31819% 31820Let no guilty man escape. 31821 -- U. S. Grant 31822% 31823Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. 31824% 31825Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these. 31826 -- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18) 31827% 31828Let sleeping dogs lie. 31829 -- Charles Dickens 31830% 31831Let the machine do the dirty work. 31832 -- Kernighan and Plauger, "The Elements of Programming Style" 31833% 31834Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them. 31835 -- James Thurber 31836% 31837Let the people think they govern and they will be governed. 31838 -- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania 31839% 31840Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way 31841they can. I'm sick of the job. It's a thankless one and full of grief. 31842 -- Al Capone 31843% 31844Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely. 31845 -- Benjamin Franklin 31846% 31847Let us go then you and I 31848while the night is laid out against the sky 31849like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie. 31850 31851Nice poem Tom. I have ideas for changes though, why not come over? 31852 -- Ezra 31853% 31854Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets, 31855The muttering retreats 31856Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels 31857And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells: 31858Streets that follow like a tedious argument 31859Of insidious intent 31860To lead you to an overwhelming question... 31861Oh, do not ask, "What is it?" 31862 -- T. S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock" 31863% 31864Let us live!!! 31865Let us love!!! 31866Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!! 31867 31868You first. 31869% 31870Let us never negotiate out of fear, 31871but let us never fear to negotiate. 31872 -- John F. Kennedy 31873% 31874Let us not look back in anger or forward 31875in fear, but around us in awareness. 31876 -- James Thurber 31877% 31878Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order. 31879% 31880Let us treat men and women well; 31881Treat them as if they were real; 31882Perhaps they are. 31883 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 31884% 31885Let your conscience be your guide. 31886 -- Pope 31887% 31888L'etat c'est moi. 31889[The state, that's me.] 31890 -- Louis XIV 31891% 31892Let's just be friends and make no special effort to ever see each other again. 31893% 31894Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every 31895relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you 31896really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the 31897end. For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the 31898qualities I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and 31899bossy ... Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind 31900his back. 31901 -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn 31902% 31903Let's love each other slowly, 31904reaching for a plane, 31905of exquisite pleasure, 31906and delicate pain. 31907 -- Adam Beslove 31908% 31909Let's not complicate our relationship 31910by trying to communicate with each other. 31911% 31912Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it. 31913% 31914Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche. 31915 -- Austen Briggs 31916% 31917Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick 31918your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as 31919Mental Anguish. You would sue: 31920 31921* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions 31922 section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand 31923 into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls 31924 in there". 31925 31926* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious 31927 cretin like yourself. 31928 31929* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this 31930 case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you 31931 a large cash settlement anyway. 31932 -- Dave Barry 31933% 31934Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often 31935overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of 31936dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your 31937tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to 31938spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe 31939money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will 31940probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? 31941It's not his money. 31942 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 31943% 31944LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London) 31945 31946Dear Sir, 31947 31948I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or 31949to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in 31950public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result 31951in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn 31952will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed 31953agricultural industry. 31954 31955Yours faithfully, 31956 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P. 31957 Sevenoaks 31958% 31959LEVERAGE: 31960 Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks 31961 about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out. 31962% 31963Leveraging always beats prototyping. 31964% 31965Lewis's Law of Travel: 31966 The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to 31967anyone, ever. 31968% 31969L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare. 31970 -- L. Pasteur 31971% 31972Liar, n.: 31973 A lawyer with a roving commission. 31974 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 31975% 31976Liar: one who tells an unpleasant truth. 31977 -- Oliver Herford 31978% 31979LIBERAL: 31980 Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist. 31981% 31982Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into 31983trouble. Conservatives are better. They never run out on you. 31984 -- Joseph "Crazy Joe" Gallo 31985% 31986Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches. 31987 -- The Best of Will Rogers 31988% 31989Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have. 31990 -- Harry Emerson Fosdick 31991% 31992LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22) 31993 Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your 31994 desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and 31995 polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that. 31996% 31997LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22) 31998 You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with 31999 reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. 32000 Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most 32001 Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal 32002 disease. 32003% 32004LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23) 32005 Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way 32006 to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but 32007 unfortunately you won't be one of them. Consider not getting out 32008 of bed today. 32009% 32010Lie, n.: 32011 A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one 32012 discovered to date. 32013% 32014Lieberman's Law: 32015 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. 32016% 32017Lies! All lies! You're all lying against my boys! 32018 -- Ma Barker 32019% 32020LIFE: 32021 A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. 32022% 32023LIFE: 32024 Learning about people the hard way -- by being one. 32025% 32026LIFE: 32027 That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity. 32028% 32029Life -- Love It or Leave It. 32030% 32031Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward. 32032 -- Miss November, 1966 32033% 32034Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge. 32035 -- Paul Gauguin 32036% 32037Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow. 32038% 32039Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth. 32040It begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies. 32041% 32042Life exists for no known purpose. 32043% 32044Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society 32045being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded responsible 32046thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money 32047system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex. 32048 -- Valerie Solanas 32049% 32050Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding 32051environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a 32052round container filled with little red fruits on sticks. 32053% 32054Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way 32055out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors. 32056 -- Woody Allen 32057% 32058Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it. 32059 -- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead" 32060% 32061Life is a game. In order to have a game, something has to be more 32062important than something else. If what already is, is more important 32063than what isn't, the game is over. So, life is a game in which what 32064isn't, is more important than what is. Let the good times roll. 32065 -- Werner Erhard 32066% 32067Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed. 32068% 32069Life is a glorious cycle of song, 32070A medley of extemporania; 32071And love is thing that can never go wrong; 32072And I am Marie of Roumania. 32073 -- Dorothy Parker, "Comment" 32074% 32075Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing. 32076 -- Helen Keller 32077% 32078Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed. 32079% 32080Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to 32081change his bed. 32082 -- Charles Baudelaire 32083% 32084Life is a series of rude awakenings. 32085 -- R. V. Winkle 32086% 32087Life is a serious burden, which no thinking, 32088humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else. 32089 -- Clarence Darrow 32090% 32091Life is a sexually transferred disease with 100% mortality. 32092% 32093Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string. 32094% 32095Life is an exciting business, and most 32096exciting when it is lived for others. 32097% 32098Life is both difficult and time consuming. 32099% 32100Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you. 32101% 32102Life is difficult because it is non-linear. 32103% 32104Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. 32105 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall" 32106% 32107Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut. 32108% 32109Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits? 32110% 32111Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line. 32112% 32113Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use. 32114 -- C. Schultz 32115% 32116Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to 32117eat it nevertheless. 32118 -- Flaubert 32119% 32120Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it. 32121% 32122Life is like a diaper - short and loaded. 32123% 32124Life is like a sewer. 32125What you get out of it depends on what you put into it. 32126 -- Tom Lehrer 32127% 32128Life is like a simile. 32129% 32130Life is like a tin of sardines. 32131We're, all of us, looking for the key. 32132 -- Beyond the Fringe 32133% 32134Life is like an analogy. 32135% 32136Life is like an egg stain on your chin -- 32137you can lick it, but it still won't go away. 32138% 32139Life is like an onion: you peel it off 32140one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep. 32141 -- Carl Sandburg 32142% 32143Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after 32144layer and then you find there is nothing in it. 32145 -- James Huneker 32146% 32147Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was 32148going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then 32149being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends. 32150% 32151Life is like bein' on a mule team. Unless you're 32152the lead mule, all the scenery looks about the same. 32153% 32154Life is not for everyone. 32155% 32156Life is one long struggle in the dark. 32157 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 32158% 32159Life is the childhood of our immortality. 32160 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 32161% 32162Life is the living you do, 32163Death is the living you don't do. 32164 -- Joseph Pintauro 32165% 32166Life is the urge to ecstasy. 32167% 32168Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure. 32169% 32170Life is too important to take seriously. 32171 -- Corky Siegel 32172% 32173Life is too short to be taken seriously. 32174 -- Oscar Wilde 32175% 32176Life is too short to stuff a mushroom. 32177 -- Storm Jameson 32178% 32179Life is wasted on the living. 32180 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe" 32181% 32182Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. 32183 -- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy" 32184% 32185Life, like beer, is merely borrowed. 32186 -- Don Reed 32187% 32188Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it. 32189 -- Marvin, from 32190 Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 32191% 32192Life may have no meaning, or, even worse, 32193it may have a meaning of which you disapprove. 32194% 32195Life only demands from you the strength you possess. 32196Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away. 32197 -- Dag Hammarskjold 32198% 32199Life should not be a journey to the grave with the intention 32200of arriving safely in a pretty and well preserved body, but 32201rather to skid in broadside, thoroughly used up, totally worn out, 32202and loudly proclaiming --WOW---What A RIDE!! 32203% 32204Life Sucks. Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but 32205certain not to find her. Drop me a note. I'll call you, we'll talk and 32206I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can 32207afford in a feeble attempt to impress you. Then we'll realize we have 32208absolutely nothing in common and we'll go our separate ways, more 32209embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible). 32210% 32211Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all. 32212 -- Thomas J. Kopp 32213% 32214Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility. 32215 -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie 32216% 32217Life without caffeine is stimulating enough. 32218 -- Sanka Ad 32219% 32220Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it 32221weren't for other people. 32222 -- Blore 32223% 32224Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. 32225 -- Dave Olson 32226% 32227Life would be tolerable but for its amusements. 32228 -- George Bernard Shaw 32229% 32230Life's too short to dance with ugly women. 32231% 32232Lift every voice and sing 32233Till earth and heaven ring, 32234Ring with the harmonies of Liberty; 32235Let our rejoicing rise 32236High as the listening skies, 32237Let it resound loud as the rolling sea. 32238 32239Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us. 32240Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us. 32241Facing the rising sun of our new day begun, 32242Let us march on till victory is won. 32243 -- James Weldon Johnson 32244% 32245Lighten up, while you still can, 32246Don't even try to understand, 32247Just find a place to make your stand, 32248And take it easy. 32249 -- The Eagles, "Take It Easy" 32250% 32251LIGHTHOUSE: 32252 A tall building on the seashore in which the government 32253 maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician. 32254% 32255LIKE: 32256 When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence. 32257% 32258Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate 32259the difference between one young woman and another. 32260 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara" 32261% 32262Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek, 32263shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm 32264as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like 32265bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood; 32266she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a 32267man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the 32268right road: a man like Alf Romeo. 32269 -- Rachel Sheeley, winner 32270 32271The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never 32272see her little dog Pritzi again. 32273 -- Claudia Fields, runner-up 32274 32275It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a 32276tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it 32277was determined that Byron was simply a jerk. 32278 -- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up 32279 32280Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is 32281named after the author of the immortal lines: "It was a dark and stormy 32282night." The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the 32283worst possible novel. 32284% 32285Like corn in a field I cut you down, 32286I threw the last punch way too hard, 32287After years of going steady, well, I thought it was time, 32288To throw in my hand for a new set of cards. 32289And I can't take you dancing out on the weekend, 32290I figured we'd painted too much of this town, 32291And I tried not to look as I walked to my wagon, 32292And I knew then I had lost what should have been found, 32293I knew then I had lost what should have been found. 32294 And I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford 32295 I'm as low as a paid assassin is 32296 You know I'm cold as a hired sword. 32297 I'm so ashamed we can't patch it up, 32298 You know I can't think straight no more 32299 You make me feel like a bullet, honey, 32300 a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford. 32301 -- Elton John "I Feel Like a Bullet" 32302% 32303Like I said, love wouldn't be so blind if the braille 32304weren't so damned great! 32305 -- Armistead Maupin 32306% 32307Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know, 32308if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not 32309now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe 32310like the Rolling Stones? 32311 -- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel's paraphrase of famous quote 32312 attributed to Rabbi Hillel.) 32313% 32314Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer. 32315It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches 32316over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow 32317His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the 32318other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their 32319religions. 32320 -- Benjamin Spock 32321% 32322Like punning, programming is a play on words. 32323% 32324Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made 32325sense from things she found in gift shops. 32326 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 32327% 32328Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking 32329for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. 32330 -- Alan McKay 32331% 32332Like the time I ran away... 32333And turned around and you were standing close to me. 32334 -- YES, "Going For The One/Awaken" 32335% 32336Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone. 32337% 32338Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the 32339creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their 32340essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving 32341the earth, like because the first thing in saving this world, is getting 32342rid of stupid and square attitudes and having fun. 32343 -- Senior Year Quote 32344% 32345Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's 32346place in the Scheme of Things. Here are just a few: 32347 32348 Q -- Is there life after death? 32349 A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New 32350Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian", 32351then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was 32352fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have 32353spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful 32354headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back 32355to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead. I 32356guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long 32357as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods. 32358 -- Dave Barry 32359% 32360Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions, 32361wins few friends, Germans excepted. 32362 -- Darwin Porter, "Scandinavia On $50 A Day" 32363% 32364Limericks are art forms complex, 32365Their topics run chiefly to sex. 32366 They usually have virgins, 32367 And masculine urgin's, 32368And other erotic effects. 32369% 32370Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. 32371Kennedy exactly one hundred years later in 1946. 32372 32373Lincoln was elected president in November 1860. 32374Kennedy in November 1960. 32375 32376Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy who urged him not to go to 32377the theatre. 32378Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln who advised against his going 32379to Dallas. 32380 32381Booth shot Lincoln in a theatre and ran off into a warehouse. 32382Oswald shot Kennedy from a warehouse and ran off into a theatre. 32383 32384Lincoln was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson. 32385Kennedy was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson. 32386 32387The first Johnson was born in 1808. 32388The second Johnson was born in 1908. 32389 32390 -- Alistair Cooke, "Letter From America", Nov. 26, 2001 32391% 32392Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations. 32393% 32394"Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!" 32395Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged. 32396 32397Until he died, and so reached that vicinity: 32398in it he found that the damned things diverged. 32399 -- Piet Hein 32400% 32401Linus: Hi! I thought it was you. 32402 I've been watching you from way off... You're looking great! 32403Snoopy: That's nice to know. 32404 The secret of life is to look good at a distance. 32405% 32406Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe 32407 we should think only about today. 32408Charlie Brown: 32409 No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get 32410 better. 32411% 32412Linus' Law: 32413 There is no heavier burden than a great potential. 32414% 32415Lions in the street and roaming, 32416Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming, 32417A beast caged in the heart of the city. 32418The body of his mother lying in the summer ground, 32419He fled the town. 32420Went down south across the border, 32421Left the chaos and disorder 32422Back there, over his shoulder. 32423One morning he awoke in a green hotel, 32424A strange creature groaning beside him. 32425Sweat oozed from its shiny skin. 32426Is everybody in? The ceremony is about to begin. 32427 -- Jim Morrison, "Celebration of the Lizard" 32428% 32429LISP: 32430 To call a spade a thpade. 32431% 32432Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine, 32433Lisp Machine is Fun. 32434Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine, 32435Fun for everyone. 32436% 32437Lisp Users: 32438Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection. 32439% 32440Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out 32441the right thing to do. Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing, 32442but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the 32443right thing to do and what is the right way to do it. That is the problem. 32444But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of 32445bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President. 32446This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people, and it reflects 32447their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a thing 32448that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously 32449just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even 32450a panacea so alleged. 32451 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the 32452 government been lacking in courage and boldness in 32453 facing up to the recession?" 32454% 32455Literature is mostly about sex and not much about having children and life 32456is the other way round. 32457 -- David Lodge, "The British Museum is Falling Down" 32458% 32459Littering is dumb. 32460 -- Ronald Macdonald 32461% 32462Little Fly, 32463Thy summer's play If thought is life 32464My thoughtless hand And strength & breath, 32465Has brush'd away. And the want 32466 Of thought is death, 32467Am not I 32468A fly like thee? Then am I 32469Or art not thou A happy fly 32470A man like me? If I live 32471 Or if I die. 32472 32473For I dance 32474And drink & sing, 32475Till some blind hand 32476Shall brush my wing. 32477 -- William Blake, "The Fly" 32478% 32479Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse. 32480 -- Lazarus Long 32481% 32482Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very 32483sophisticated computer network! It was a Tolkien Ring... 32484% 32485Little Known Facts, #23: 32486 Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get 32487 the BMW repair garage? 32488% 32489Little Mary on the ice, 32490Went out to have a frisk, 32491Now wasn't little Mary nice, 32492Her pretty *? 32493% 32494Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway! 32495 -- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature") 32496% 32497Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse. 32498 -- James Dean 32499% 32500Live from New York ... It's Saturday Night! 32501% 32502Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors. 32503% 32504Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is 32505published around the world -- even if what is published is not true. 32506 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul 32507% 32508Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. 32509 -- Josh Billings 32510% 32511Living here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from. And when 32512you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee. 32513 -- "Great Train Robber" Ronald Biggs' coffee commercial 32514% 32515Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola. 32516What ain't flakes and nuts is fruits. 32517% 32518Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. 32519What ain't fruits and nuts is flakes. 32520% 32521Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night. 32522 -- Candice Bergen 32523% 32524Living in New York City gives people real incentives 32525to want things that nobody else wants. 32526 -- Andy Warhol 32527% 32528Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat 32529like having bees live in your head. But, there they are. 32530% 32531Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip 32532around the Sun. 32533% 32534LIVING YOUR LIFE: 32535 A task so difficult, it has never been attempted before. 32536% 32537Lizzie Borden took an axe, 32538And plunged it deep into the VAX; 32539Don't you envy people who 32540Do all the things ___YOU want to do? 32541% 32542Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools. 32543 -- Henry David Thoreau 32544% 32545Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these 32546interest rates, we don't need it." 32547% 32548Lobster: 32549 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are squeamish 32550 about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the only proper 32551 method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to eliminate your 32552 guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial before they're 32553 cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most ferocious predators on 32554 the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime in the reefs. Grasp the 32555 lobster behind the head, look it right in its unmistakably guilty 32556 eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of the 21st?", then 32557 flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, "Perhaps this will 32558 refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a memory!" The lobster will 32559 squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe at you with one of its claws. 32560 Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. Justice has been served, and shortly 32561 you and your friends will be, too. 32562 -- Dave Barry, Cooking: The Art of Turning Appliances 32563 and Utensils into Excuses and Apologies 32564% 32565Lockwood's Long Shot: 32566 The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't 32567one in a million, but once would be enough. 32568% 32569Logic doesn't apply to the real world. 32570 -- Marvin Minsky 32571% 32572Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____awful*. 32573% 32574Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad. 32575% 32576Logic is the chastity belt of the mind! 32577% 32578Logicians have but ill defined 32579As rational the human kind. 32580Logic, they say, belongs to man, 32581But let them prove it if they can. 32582 -- Oliver Goldsmith 32583% 32584LOGO for the Dead 32585 32586LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from 32587"The Other Side." 32588 32589The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you 32590turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board. Then, using Logo's 32591graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this 32592side of the Great Beyond to write programs. The software requires that 32593your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then 32594interfaced to your computer. A special terminal (very terminal) program 32595lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic 32596Bulletin Board System). 32597 32598LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate 32599from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101. 32600 -- '80 Microcomputing 32601% 32602Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence. 32603% 32604Lonely is a man without love. 32605 -- Engelbert Humperdinck 32606% 32607Lonely men seek companionship. 32608Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet. 32609% 32610Lonesome? 32611 32612Like a change? 32613Like a new job? 32614Like excitement? 32615Like to meet new and interesting people? 32616 32617JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!! 32618% 32619Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency 32620be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum. 32621The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young. 32622 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe" 32623% 32624Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught. 32625% 32626Long life is in store for you. 32627% 32628Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and 32629long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his 32630pain and his aloneness without regret? 32631 -- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet" 32632% 32633Look! Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past. 32634% 32635Look afar and see the end from the beginning. 32636% 32637Look at it this way: 32638Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought 32639home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham. 32640And you're still drinking ordinary scotch? 32641% 32642Look at it this way: 32643Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to 32644forget $26,000 of college education. 32645And you're still drinking ordinary scotch? 32646% 32647Look before you leap. 32648 -- Samuel Butler 32649% 32650Look ere ye leap. 32651 -- John Heywood 32652% 32653Look out! Behind you! 32654% 32655Look up and not down, look forward and not back, look out and not in, 32656and lend a hand. 32657 -- Edward Everett Hale, "Lowell Institute Lectures" (1869) 32658% 32659Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us 32660to pay income taxes, too? 32661 -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox 32662% 32663Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters, 32664con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this 32665country was built. 32666 -- Hubert Allen 32667% 32668Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie... 32669 -- Stephen Sondheim 32670% 32671Loose bits sink chips. 32672% 32673Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies. 32674 -- Charles D'Hericault 32675% 32676Lord, what fools these mortals be! 32677 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream" 32678% 32679Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying 32680"BOOGA, BOOGA!" 32681% 32682Lost: gray and white female cat. 32683Answers to electric can opener. 32684% 32685Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy. 32686% 32687Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't. 32688% 32689Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny. 32690 -- Frank Hubbard 32691% 32692Lots of girls can be had for a song. 32693Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march. 32694% 32695Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in 32696Halstead, Kansas. 32697% 32698Louie Louie, me gotta go 32699Louie Louie, me gotta go 32700 32701Fine little girl she waits for me 32702Me catch the ship for cross the sea 32703Me sail the ship all alone Three nights and days me sail the sea 32704Me never thinks me make it home Me think of girl constantly 32705(chorus) On the ship I dream she there 32706 I smell the rose in her hair 32707Me see Jamaica moon above (chorus, guitar solo) 32708It won't be long, me see my love 32709I take her in my arms and then 32710Me tell her I never leave again 32711 -- The real words to The Kingsmen's classic "Louie Louie" 32712% 32713LOVE: 32714 I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours. 32715% 32716LOVE: 32717 Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope. 32718% 32719LOVE: 32720 When, if asked to choose between your lover 32721 and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat. 32722% 32723LOVE: 32724 When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears. 32725% 32726LOVE: 32727 When you don't want someone too close-- 32728 because you're very sensitive to pleasure. 32729% 32730LOVE: 32731 When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning. 32732% 32733Love -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood. 32734% 32735Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled. 32736% 32737Love America - or give it back. 32738% 32739Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. 32740% 32741Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the 32742world has ever seen. 32743% 32744Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder. 32745 -- Sigmund Freud 32746% 32747Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love. 32748 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 32749% 32750Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay. 32751Love isn't love 'til you give it away. 32752 -- Oscar Hammerstein II 32753% 32754Love is a grave mental disease. 32755 -- Plato 32756% 32757Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell. 32758 -- Matt Groening 32759% 32760Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra, which suddenly flips 32761over, pinning you underneath. At night the ice weasels come. 32762 -- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell" 32763% 32764Love is a word that is constantly heard, 32765Hate is a word that is not. 32766Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. 32767Love, I have read, is hot. 32768But hate is the verb that to me is superb, 32769And Love but a drug on the mart. 32770Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, 32771But Hating, my boy, is an Art. 32772 -- Ogden Nash 32773% 32774Love is always open arms. With arms open you allow love to come and 32775go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway. If you close your 32776arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself. 32777% 32778Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real 32779with the ideal never goes unpunished. 32780 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 32781% 32782Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage. 32783 -- Dr. Karl Bowman 32784% 32785Love is being stupid together. 32786 -- Paul Valery 32787% 32788Love is dope, not chicken soup. I mean, love is something to be passed 32789around freely, not spooned down someone's throat for their own good by a 32790Jewish mother who cooked it all by herself. 32791% 32792Love is in the offing. 32793 -- The Homicidal Maniac 32794% 32795Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you. 32796% 32797Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very 32798pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love 32799grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning 32800and unquenchable. 32801 -- Bruce Lee 32802% 32803Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it. 32804 -- Jerome K. Jerome 32805% 32806Love is never asking why? 32807% 32808Love is not enough, but it sure helps. 32809% 32810Love is sentimental measles. 32811% 32812Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult. 32813% 32814Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex 32815raises some pretty good questions. 32816 -- Woody Allen 32817% 32818Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. 32819 -- H. L. Mencken 32820% 32821Love is the desire to prostitute oneself. There is, indeed, no exalted 32822pleasure that cannot be related to prostitution. 32823 -- Charles Baudelaire 32824% 32825Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness. 32826 -- M. Hirschfield 32827% 32828Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself. 32829 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 32830% 32831Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 32832 -- H. L. Mencken 32833% 32834Love IS what it's cracked up to be. 32835% 32836Love is what you've been through with somebody. 32837 -- James Thurber 32838% 32839Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid. 32840% 32841Love makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles. 32842 -- Paul Leautaud, "Passe-temps" 32843% 32844Love makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic angular 32845momentum. 32846% 32847Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags. 32848 -- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise" 32849% 32850Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes. 32851% 32852Love means never having to say you're sorry. 32853 -- Eric Segal, "Love Story" 32854 32855That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. 32856 -- Ryan O'Neill, "What's Up Doc?" 32857% 32858Love means nothing to a tennis player. 32859% 32860Love tells us many things that are not so. 32861 -- Krainian proverb 32862% 32863Love the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach. 32864% 32865Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood. 32866 -- Louise Beal 32867% 32868Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano. 32869% 32870Love to eat them mousies, 32871Mousies I love to eat. 32872Bite they little heads off, 32873Nibble at they tiny feet. 32874 -- Kliban 32875% 32876Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart, 32877 seized this one for the fair form 32878 that was taken from me-and the way of it afflicts me still. 32879Love, which absolves no loved one from loving, 32880 seized me so strongly with delight in him, 32881 that, as you see, it does not leave me even now. 32882Love brought us to one death. 32883 -- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06 32884% 32885Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up 32886to. 32887% 32888Love your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge. 32889 -- Benjamin Franklin 32890% 32891Lowery's Law: 32892 If it jams -- force it. 32893 If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. 32894% 32895LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand. 32896% 32897Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: 32898 There's always one more bug. 32899% 32900Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliable 32901British automotive electrical systems. Professionals call the company "The 32902Prince of Darkness". Of course, if Lucas were to design and manufacture 32903nuclear weapons, World War III would never get off the ground. The British 32904don't like warm beer any more than the Americans do. The British drink warm 32905beer because they have Lucas refrigerators. 32906% 32907Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young. 32908 -- Russell Banks 32909% 32910Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet. 32911 -- P. E. Trudeau 32912% 32913Lucky, adj.: 32914 When you have a wife and a cigarette 32915 lighter -- both of which work. 32916% 32917Lucky is he for whom the belle toils. 32918% 32919Lucy: Dance, dance, dance. That is all you ever do. 32920 Can't you be serious for once? 32921Snoopy: She is right! I think I had better think 32922 of the more important things in life! 32923 (pause) 32924 Tomorrow!! 32925% 32926Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser. 32927 -- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew" 32928% 32929Lunatic Asylum, n.: 32930 The place where optimism most flourishes. 32931% 32932Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable. 32933 -- Bergan Evans 32934% 32935Lysistrata had a good idea. 32936% 32937Ma Bell is a mean mother! 32938% 32939MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that. 32940% 32941Machine-Independent, adj.: 32942 Does not run on any existing machine. 32943% 32944Machine-independent program: 32945 A program that will not run on any machine. 32946% 32947Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate, 32948and play games -- but not with pleasure. 32949 -- Leo Rosten 32950% 32951Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine. 32952 -- Andy Warhol 32953% 32954Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the 32955repairman arrives. 32956% 32957macho, adj.: 32958 Jogging home from your vasectomy. 32959% 32960Macho does not prove mucho. 32961 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor 32962% 32963Mad, adj.: 32964 Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. 32965 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 32966% 32967Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them 32968first for seven hours, they always come out tender. 32969 -- W. C. Fields 32970% 32971Madison's Inquiry: 32972 If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class? 32973% 32974Madness takes its toll. 32975% 32976MAFIA, n.: 32977 [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance 32978Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore 32979subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is 32980rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy 32981reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP 32982operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that 32983MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped 32984variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex 32985security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a 32986more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an 32987imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES 32988options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay. 32989Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a 32990powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and 32991entire nodal aggravations. 32992 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 32993% 32994Magary's Principle: 32995 When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any 32996 government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do 32997 the cutting, and the public's services are cut. 32998% 32999Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic. 33000% 33001Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism 33002 33003Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet. 33004 33005The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the works 33006of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject 33007with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human 33008knowledge. 33009 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 33010% 33011Magnocartic, adj.: 33012 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping 33013 carts. 33014 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 33015% 33016Magpie, n.: 33017 A bird whose thievish disposition suggested 33018 to someone that it might be taught to talk. 33019 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 33020% 33021MAIDEN AUNT: 33022 A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle." 33023% 33024Maiden, n.: 33025 A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and 33026 views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide geographical 33027 distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found. 33028 The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her 33029 piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to 33030 comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to 33031 the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the 33032 canary -- which, also, is more portable. 33033 33034Male, n.: 33035 A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the 33036 human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man. The genus 33037 has two varieties: good providers and bad providers. 33038 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 33039% 33040Maier's Law: 33041 If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed of. 33042 -- N. R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960 33043 33044Corollaries: 33045 1. The bigger the theory, the better. 33046 2. The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 33047 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to 33048 obtain a correspondence with the theory. 33049% 33050Main's Law: 33051 For every action there is an equal and opposite government program. 33052% 33053Maintainer's Motto: 33054 If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. 33055% 33056Maj. Bloodnok: Seagoon, you're a coward! 33057Seagoon: Only in the holiday season. 33058Maj. Bloodnok: Ah, another Noel Coward! 33059% 33060Major premise: 33061 Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man. 33062Minor premise: 33063 A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. 33064Conclusion: 33065 Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. 33066 33067Secondary Conclusion: 33068 Do you realize how many holes there would be if people 33069 would just take the time to take the dirt out of them? 33070% 33071Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly 33072 as one man. 33073 33074Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. 33075 33076Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. 33077 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 33078% 33079Majorities, of course, start with minorities. 33080 -- Robert Moses 33081% 33082Majority, n.: 33083 That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. 33084% 33085Make a wish, it might come true. 33086% 33087Make headway at work. Continue to let things deteriorate at home. 33088% 33089Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist! 33090% 33091Make it right before you make it faster. 33092% 33093Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood. 33094 -- Daniel Hudson Burnham 33095% 33096Make sure your code does nothing gracefully. 33097% 33098Make war not sex. (It's safer.) 33099% 33100Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users 33101tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It 33102has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is 33103the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files. 33104 -- System V.2 administrator's guide 33105% 33106Malek's Law: 33107 Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. 33108% 33109MALPRACTICE: 33110 The reason surgeons wear masks. 33111% 33112Man 1: Ask me. "What is the most important thing about telling a good 33113 joke?" 33114 33115Man 2: OK, what is the most impo -- 33116 33117Man 1: ______TIMING! 33118% 33119Man and wife make one fool. 33120% 33121Man belongs wherever he wants to go. 33122 -- Wernher von Braun 33123% 33124Man has always assumed that he is more intelligent than dolphins because 33125he has achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- while 33126all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good 33127time. But, conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were 33128far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons. 33129 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 33130% 33131Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it. 33132 -- Fred Allen 33133% 33134Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments. 33135% 33136Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain. 33137 -- Lily Tomlin 33138% 33139Man is a military animal, 33140Glories in gunpowder, and loves parade. 33141 -- P. J. Bailey 33142% 33143Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called 33144upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. 33145 -- Oscar Wilde 33146% 33147Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this-- 33148no dog exchanges bones with another. 33149 -- Adam Smith 33150% 33151Man is by nature a political animal. 33152 -- Aristotle 33153% 33154Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the 33155only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. 33156 -- Wernher von Braun 33157% 33158Man is the measure of all things. 33159 -- Protagoras 33160% 33161Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. 33162 -- Mark Twain 33163% 33164Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the 33165victims he intends to eat until he eats them. 33166 -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902) 33167% 33168Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps; 33169for he is the only animal that is struck with the 33170difference between what things are and what they ought to be. 33171 -- William Hazlitt 33172% 33173Man must shape his tools lest they shape him. 33174 -- Arthur R. Miller 33175% 33176Man, n.: 33177 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks 33178he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief 33179occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, 33180however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole 33181habitable earth and Canada. 33182 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 33183% 33184Man proposes, God disposes. 33185 -- Thomas a Kempis 33186% 33187Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it 33188is an enemy. 33189 -- Albert Einstein 33190% 33191Man who arrives at party two hours late 33192will find he has been beaten to the punch. 33193% 33194Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought. 33195% 33196Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self. 33197% 33198Man who sleep in beer keg wake up sticky. 33199% 33200Man will never fly. 33201Space travel is merely a dream. 33202All aspirin is alike. 33203% 33204Management: How many feet do mice have? 33205Reply: Mice have four feet. 33206M: Elaborate! 33207R: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet. 33208M: No discussion of fifth appendage! 33209R: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail. 33210M: What? Feet with no legs? 33211R: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse. 33212M: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages? 33213R: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body. 33214M: Does not fully discuss the issue! 33215R: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg 33216 is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail 33217 is not equipped with a foot. 33218M: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful NO! 33219R: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies, 33220 one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would 33221 constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets. 33222M: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity! 33223R: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined 33224 integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also 33225 attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and 33226 ornamental in nature. 33227M: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question! 33228R: Mice have four feet. 33229% 33230MANAGEMENT: 33231 The art of getting other people to do all the work. 33232% 33233MANAGER: 33234 A man known for giving great meeting. 33235% 33236Mandrell: "You know what I think?" 33237Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you 33238 don't think, right?" 33239 -- "Doctor Who" 33240% 33241Man-hour, n.: 33242 A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings. 33243% 33244Manic-depressive, n.: 33245 Easy glum, easy glow. 33246% 33247Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts. 33248 -- Plotinus 33249% 33250Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history, 33251dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive 33252man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the 33253air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first 33254primitive umpire. 33255 33256What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as 33257mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers. 33258 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" 33259% 33260Manly's Maxim: 33261 Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion 33262 with confidence. 33263% 33264Man's horizons are bounded by his vision. 33265% 33266Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens? 33267% 33268Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual 33269conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in. 33270 -- Sydney J. Harris 33271% 33272Manual, n.: 33273 A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a 33274given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The 33275information you need is in the others. 33276 -- Ray Simard 33277% 33278Many a bum show has been saved by the flag. 33279 -- George M. Cohan 33280% 33281Many a family tree needs trimming. 33282% 33283Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so. It 33284is not so. It is so. It is not so. 33285 -- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanack" 33286% 33287Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will 33288get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind. 33289 -- Finley Peter Dunne 33290% 33291Many a town that didn't have enough work to support a single lawyer 33292can easily support two or more. 33293% 33294Many a writer seems to think he is never profound 33295except when he can't understand his own meaning. 33296 -- George D. Prentice 33297% 33298Many are called, few are chosen. 33299Fewer still get to do the choosing. 33300% 33301Many are called, few volunteer. 33302% 33303Many are cold, but few are frozen. 33304% 33305Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long. 33306% 33307Many companies that have made themselves dependent on [the equipment of a 33308certain major manufacturer] (and in doing so have sold their soul to the 33309devil) will collapse under the sheer weight of the unmastered complexity of 33310their data processing systems. 33311 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 33312% 33313Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is 33314weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and 33315weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists, 33316but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist, 33317he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert. 33318 -- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed" 33319% 33320Many hands make light work. 33321 -- John Heywood 33322% 33323Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales. 33324% 33325Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured. For instance, 33326the degree to which people are bored, by counting the number of their 33327fidgets. I not infrequently tried this method at the meetings of the 33328Royal Geographical Society, for even there dull memoirs are occasionally 33329read. [...] The use of a watch attracts attention, so I reckon time 33330by the number of my breathings, of which there are 15 in a minute. They 33331are not counted mentally, but are punctuated by pressing with 15 fingers 33332successively. The counting is reserved for the fidgets. These observations 33333should be confined to persons of middle age. Children are rarely still, 33334while elderly philosophers will sometimes remain rigid for minutes altogether. 33335 -- Francis Galton, 1909 33336% 33337Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing 33338tricks on me and treating me badly. 33339 -- Jorge Luis Borges, from "Writers on Writing" by Jon Winokur 33340% 33341Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their 33342life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses. 33343 -- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981 33344% 33345Many pages make a thick book. 33346% 33347Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very 33348thin paper. 33349% 33350Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice 33351which will recommend that they do what they want to do. 33352% 33353Many people are secretly interested in life. 33354% 33355Many people are unenthusiastic about their work. 33356% 33357Many people are unenthusiastic about your work. 33358% 33359Many people feel that if you won't let 33360them make you happy, they'll make you suffer. 33361% 33362Many people feel that they deserve some kind of 33363recognition for all the bad things they haven't done. 33364% 33365Many people resent being treated like the person they really are. 33366% 33367Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do. 33368 -- Bertrand Russell 33369% 33370Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say. 33371% 33372Many receive advice, few profit by it. 33373 -- Publilius Syrus 33374% 33375Many years ago in a period commonly known as Next Friday Afternoon, 33376there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he 33377was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how 33378completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ... 33379 -- Walt Kelly 33380% 33381Margaret, are you grieving 33382Over Goldengrove unleaving? 33383Leaves, like the things of man, 33384You, with your fresh thoughts 33385Care for, can you? 33386Ah! as the heart grows older 33387It will come to such sights colder 33388By and by, nor spare a sigh 33389Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie 33390And yet you will weep and know why. 33391Now no matter, child, the name 33392Sorrow's springs are the same: 33393It is the blight man was born for, 33394It is Margaret you mourn for. 33395 -- Gerard Manley Hopkins 33396% 33397Marigold: Jealousy 33398Mint: Virute 33399Orange blossom: Your purity equals your loveliness 33400Orchid: Beauty, magnificence 33401Pansy: Thoughts 33402Peach blossom: I am your captive 33403Petunia: Your presence soothes me 33404Poppy: Sleep 33405Rose, any color: Love 33406Rose, deep red: Bashful shame 33407Rose, single, pink: Simplicity 33408Rose, thornless, any: Early attachment 33409Rose, white: I am worthy of you 33410Rose, yellow: Decrease of love, rise of jealousy 33411Rosebud, white: Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love 33412Rosemary: Remembrance 33413Sunflower: Haughtiness 33414Tulip, red: Declaration of love 33415Tulip, yellow: Hopeless love 33416Violet, blue: Faithfulness 33417Violet, white: Modesty 33418Zinnia: Thoughts of absent friends 33419 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning. 33420% 33421Marijuana is nature's way of saying, "Hi!". 33422% 33423Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students 33424who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize 33425it in order to protect themselves. 33426 -- Lenny Bruce 33427% 33428Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: 33429 Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a 33430simple yes or no answer. 33431% 33432MARRIAGE: 33433 An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply 33434 in love and desiring to make a commitment to each other expressing 33435 that love. In short, commitment to an institution. 33436% 33437MARRIAGE: 33438 Convertible bonds. 33439% 33440Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of 33441insincerity possible between two human beings. 33442 -- Vicki Baum 33443% 33444Marriage causes dating problems. 33445% 33446Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle. 33447 -- Edmond About 33448% 33449Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention. 33450% 33451Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm 33452not ready for an institution yet. 33453 -- Mae West 33454% 33455Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be 33456surprised at the large number that re-enlist. 33457 -- James Garner 33458% 33459Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter. 33460% 33461Marriage is a three ring circus: 33462engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. 33463 -- Roger Price 33464% 33465Marriage is an institution in which two undertake 33466to become one, and one undertakes to become nothing. 33467% 33468Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer 33469exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work 33470in the brewery. 33471 -- George Jean Nathan 33472% 33473Marriage is learning about women the hard way. 33474% 33475Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with 33476chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it. 33477% 33478Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. 33479 -- Baskins 33480% 33481Marriage is not merely sharing the fettuccine, but sharing the 33482burden of finding the fettuccine restaurant in the first place. 33483 -- Calvin Trillin 33484% 33485Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. 33486 -- Voltaire 33487% 33488Marriage is the process of finding out what 33489kind of man your wife would have preferred. 33490% 33491Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions. 33492% 33493Marriage, n.: 33494 The evil aye. 33495% 33496Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth. 33497 -- John Lyly 33498% 33499Marry in haste and everyone starts counting the months. 33500% 33501MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that its two lives 33502connected by a thin strand. 33503 33504Come on, Marta, grow up. 33505 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 33506% 33507MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most 33508of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its 33509territory from invasion by another group." 33510 33511"Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny. 33512 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 33513% 33514Martin was probably ripping them off. That's some family, isn't it? 33515Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software. 33516 -- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues" 33517% 33518'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability. 33519 -- George Bernard Shaw 33520% 33521Marvelous! The super-user's going to boot me! 33522What a finely tuned response to the situation! 33523% 33524Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass, 33525and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged 33526Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend 33527grasshopper. Did you know they've named a drink after you?" 33528 "Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased. "They've 33529named a drink Fred?" 33530% 33531Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth: 33532 Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants. 33533% 33534Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow, 33535And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go. 33536It followed her through rain or snow, lightning, sleet or hail. 33537It fetched the evening paper, her slippers, and the mail. 33538She never had a moments peace; the lamb was always on her heels, 33539And on her feet its head would rest, while she ate her meals. 33540It followed her to school one day, the devotion never ended. 33541The lamb waltzed into her history class and Mary got suspended. 33542The night she went to Senior Prom, she thought she had him beat, 33543Until she heard a mournful "Baaa" coming from her car's seat. 33544Oh, Mary had a little lamb, it surely didn't please her. 33545So for dinner she had lambchops; the rest is in the freezer. 33546 -- Alma Garcia 33547% 33548Maryann's Law: 33549 You can always find what you're not looking for. 33550% 33551Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on 33552the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam 33553dancing. 33554 -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83 33555% 33556Maslow's Maxim: 33557 If the only tool you have is a hammer, 33558 you treat everything like a nail. 33559% 33560Mason's First Law of Synergism: 33561The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut. 33562% 33563Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy. 33564% 33565Mastery of UNIX, like mastery of language, offers real freedom. The 33566price of freedom is always dear, but there's no substitute. 33567 -- Thomas Scoville 33568% 33569Masturbation is the thinking man's television. 33570 -- Christopher Hampton 33571% 33572Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it! 33573 -- Monty Python 33574% 33575Mater artium necessitas. 33576 [Necessity is the mother of invention]. 33577% 33578Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant. 33579 -- Malcolm Smith 33580% 33581MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX! 33582 Please, don't drink and derive. 33583 33584 Mathematicians 33585 Against 33586 Drunk 33587 Deriving 33588% 33589Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated. 33590 -- R. Drabek 33591% 33592Mathematician, n.: 33593 Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your i's. 33594% 33595Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they 33596translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something 33597entirely different. 33598 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 33599% 33600Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is 33601described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can 33602play. 33603 -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by 33604 James Blish 33605% 33606Mathematicians practice absolute freedom. 33607 -- Henry Adams 33608% 33609Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts 33610to each other without consideration of their relation to experience. 33611 -- Albert Einstein 33612% 33613Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what 33614one is talking about nor whether what is said is true. 33615 -- Russell 33616% 33617Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty -- 33618a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any 33619part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music, 33620yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the 33621greatest art can show. The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense 33622of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is 33623to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry. 33624 -- Bertrand Russell 33625% 33626Matrimony is the root of all evil. 33627% 33628Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence. 33629% 33630Matter cannot be created or destroyed, 33631nor can it be returned without a receipt. 33632% 33633Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value. 33634% 33635[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment 33636where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand 33637more and more that there is something which cannot be understood. 33638 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855) 33639% 33640Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. 33641 -- Jules Feiffer 33642% 33643Matz's Law: 33644 A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 33645% 33646May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheezy lounge-lizard 33647versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz. 33648% 33649May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts. 33650% 33651May all your Emus lay soft boiled eggs, and may all your 33652Kangaroos be born with iPods already fitted. 33653 -- Aussie New Years wish, found on hasselbladinfo.com 33654% 33655May all your PUSHes be POPped. 33656% 33657May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual! 33658% 33659May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits. 33660% 33661May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones. 33662% 33663May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits. 33664% 33665May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may 33666God turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may 33667he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping. 33668% 33669May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse. 33670% 33671May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters. 33672% 33673May you have many handsome and obedient sons. 33674% 33675May you have warm words on a cold evening, 33676a full moon on a dark night, 33677and a smooth road all the way to your door. 33678% 33679May you live in uninteresting times. 33680 -- Chinese proverb 33681% 33682May your camel be as swift as the wind. 33683% 33684May your SO always know when you need a hug. 33685% 33686May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a 33687Thousand Caramels. 33688% 33689Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that 33690lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well. 33691 -- Will Rogers 33692% 33693Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. 33694 -- R. S. Barton 33695% 33696Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the 33697earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three. 33698 -- Lazarus Long 33699% 33700Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes. 33701% 33702Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each 33703other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone 33704had to seek professional help. 33705% 33706Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge 33707it. 33708% 33709May's Law: 33710 The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density 33711 of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.) 33712% 33713McDonald's -- Because you're worth it. 33714% 33715McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance: 33716 When traveling with a herd of elephants, 33717 don't be the first to lie down and rest. 33718% 33719Meader's Law: 33720 Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to 33721everyone you know, only more so. 33722% 33723Meade's Maxim: 33724Always remember that you are absolutely unique, 33725just like everyone else. 33726% 33727Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen; 33728Fulle few too many drincce, hie luccen for fyht. 33729[D]en Hreorfneorht[d]hwr, son of Hrwaerow[p]heororthwl, 33730AEsccen aewful jeork to steop outsyd. 33731[P]hud! Bashe! Crasch! Beoom! [D]e bigge gye 33732Eallum his bon brak, byt his nose offe; 33733Wicced Godsylla waeld on his asse. 33734Monstaer moppe fleor wy[p] eallum men in haelle. 33735Beowulf in bacceroome fonecall bemaccen waes; 33736Hearen sond of ruccus saed, "Hwaet [d]e helle?" 33737Graben sheold strang ond swich-blaed scharp 33738Sond feorth to fyht [d]e grimlic foe. 33739"Me," Godsylla saed, "mac [d]e minsemete." 33740Heoro cwyc geten heold wi[p] faemed half-nelson 33741Ond flyng him lic frisbe bac to fen. 33742Beowulf belly up to meaddehaele bar, 33743Saed, "Ne foe beaten mie faersom cung-fu." 33744Eorderen cocca-colha yce-coeld, [d]e reol [p]yng. 33745% 33746Meantime, in the slums below Ronnie's Ranch, Cynthia feels as if some one 33747has made voodoo boxen of her and her favorite backplanes. On this fine 33748moonlit night, some horrible persona has been jabbing away at, dragging 33749magnets over, and surging these voodoo boxen. Fortunately, they seem to 33750have gotten a bit bored and fallen asleep, for it looks like Cynthia may 33751get to go home. However, she has made note to quickly put together a totem 33752of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaningful 33753oxide, bus grant cards, gummy worms, and some bits of old pdp backplane to 33754hang above the machine room. This totem must be blessed by the old and wise 33755venerable god of unibus at once, before the idolatization of vme, q and pc 33756bus drive him to bitter revenge. Alas, if this fails, and the voodoo boxen 33757aren't destroyed, there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the 33758arrival of voodoo optico transmitigational magneto killer paramecium, capable 33759of teleporting from cable to cable, screen to screen, ear to ear and hoof 33760to mouth... 33761% 33762Measure twice, cut once. 33763% 33764Mediocrity finds safety in standardization. 33765 -- Frederick Crane 33766% 33767Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge. 33768% 33769Meester, do you vant to buy a duck? 33770% 33771Meeting, n.: 33772 An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or 33773 department not represented in the room must solve a problem. 33774% 33775MEETINGS: 33776 A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost. 33777% 33778Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that 33779corporations and other large organizations habitually engage 33780in only because they cannot actually masturbate. 33781 -- Dave Barry 33782% 33783MEMO: 33784 An interoffice communication too often written more for 33785 the benefit of the person who sends it than the person 33786 who receives it. 33787% 33788MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I 33789remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and 33790drive and drive. 33791 33792I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The 33793smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we 33794played. I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad." We'd eat 33795some stuff or not and then I think we went home. 33796 33797I guess some things never leave you. 33798 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 33799% 33800Memory fault -- brain fried 33801% 33802Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget! 33803% 33804Memory fault - where am I? 33805% 33806Memory should be the starting point of the present. 33807% 33808Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them. 33809 -- Marilyn Monroe 33810% 33811Men are superior to women. 33812 -- The Koran 33813% 33814Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands. 33815 -- Jayne Mansfield 33816% 33817Men aren't attracted to me by my mind. 33818They're attracted by what I don't mind... 33819 -- Gypsy Rose Lee 33820% 33821Men freely believe that what they wish to desire. 33822 -- Julius Caesar 33823% 33824Men have a much better time of it than women; for one 33825thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier. 33826 -- H. L. Mencken 33827% 33828Men have as exaggerated an idea of their 33829rights as women have of their wrongs. 33830 -- Edgar W. Howe 33831% 33832Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food. 33833% 33834Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science. 33835% 33836Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it 33837from religious conviction. 33838 -- Blaise Pascal, "Pens'ees", 1670 33839% 33840Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses. 33841 -- Dorothy Parker 33842% 33843Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them 33844pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. 33845 -- Winston Churchill 33846% 33847Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active. 33848 -- Leonardo da Vinci 33849% 33850Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality. 33851% 33852Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or 33853at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments. 33854% 33855Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our 33856pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs 33857and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious, 33858inspires us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us 33859sleeplessness, inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness 33860and acts that are contrary to habit... 33861 -- Hippocrates, "The Sacred Disease" 33862% 33863Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them. 33864 -- DeSegur 33865% 33866Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples. 33867% 33868Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last. 33869% 33870Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities. 33871 -- Napoleon Bonaparte 33872% 33873Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings, 33874and speech only to conceal their thoughts. 33875 -- Voltaire 33876% 33877Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures 33878from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha 33879Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man 33880had split before. Thus was the Empire forged. 33881 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 33882% 33883Men who cherish for women the highest 33884respect are seldom popular with them. 33885 -- Joseph Addison 33886% 33887Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: 33888 The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife. 33889% 33890Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: 33891 The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the 33892 cork makes when it is popped. 33893% 33894Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: 33895 All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards. 33896% 33897Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: 33898 Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that 33899 is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city 33900 can ever hope to acquire it. 33901% 33902Mene, mene, tekel, upharsin. 33903% 33904Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to 33905corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in 33906favor of smart solutions to stupid problems. 33907 -- Piers Anthony 33908% 33909Mental things which have not gone in through the 33910senses are vain and bring forth no truth except detrimental. 33911 -- Leonardo 33912% 33913Menu, n.: 33914 A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of. 33915% 33916Meskimen's Law: 33917 There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to 33918 do it over. 33919% 33920MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched. 33921% 33922Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ... 33923% 33924Message will arrive in the mail. 33925Destroy, before the FBI sees it. 33926% 33927METEOROLOGIST: 33928 One who doubts the established fact that it is 33929 bound to rain if you forget your umbrella. 33930% 33931Metermaids eat their young. 33932% 33933methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin- 33934ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl- 33935phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu- 33936taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl- 33937glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala- 33938nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta- 33939minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly- 33940cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl- 33941leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu- 33942cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva- 33943lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro- 33944sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu- 33945cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe- 33946nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala- 33947nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas- 33948partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl- 33949glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl- 33950valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu- 33951cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi- 33952nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse- 33953rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl- 33954glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly- 33955sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro- 33956lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl- 33957glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.: 33958 The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a 33959 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids. 33960 -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and 33961 Preposterous Words 33962% 33963Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch. 33964% 33965MICRO: 33966 Thinker toys. 33967% 33968Micro Credo: 33969 Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift. 33970% 33971Microbiology Lab: Staph Only! 33972% 33973Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been 33974watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks. 33975% 33976Microwaves frizz your heir. 33977% 33978Mieux vaut tard que jamais! 33979% 33980Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you 33981out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles. 33982 -- Signor Ferrari, "Casablanca" (1942) 33983% 33984Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?" 33985Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO 33986 inconsiderate." 33987 -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury" 33988% 33989Miksch's Law: 33990 If a string has one end, then it has another end. 33991% 33992Militant agnostic: I don't know, and you don't either. 33993% 33994Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. 33995 -- Groucho Marx 33996% 33997Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. 33998 -- Groucho Marx 33999% 34000Miller's Slogan: 34001 Lose a few, lose a few. 34002% 34003Millihelen, adj.: 34004 The amount of beauty required to launch one ship. 34005% 34006Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with 34007themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. 34008 -- Susan Ertz 34009% 34010Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that 34011politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum 34012and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote." Having abstained, they 34013are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to 34014rummage around in their lives for the next four years. Consider all 34015the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert 34016Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. Those people who taught Hubert 34017Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when 34018Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the 34019black. 34020 -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery" 34021% 34022Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there 34023is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, 34024myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in 34025the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my 34026unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You 34027will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as 34028dead as a door-nail. 34029% 34030Mind your own business, Spock. 34031I'm sick of your halfbreed interference. 34032% 34033Mind your own business, then you don't mind mine. 34034% 34035Minicomputer: 34036 A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level 34037 manager. 34038% 34039Minnesota -- 34040 home of the blonde hair and blue ears. 34041 mosquito supplier to the free world. 34042 come fall in love with a loon. 34043 where visitors turn blue with envy. 34044 one day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold. 34045 land of many cultures -- mostly throat. 34046 where the elite meet sleet. 34047 glove it or leave it. 34048 many are cold, but few are frozen. 34049 land of the ski and home of the crazed. 34050 land of 10,000 Petersons. 34051% 34052Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner. 34053% 34054Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap 34055pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however. 34056% 34057MIPS: 34058 Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed 34059% 34060Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images. 34061 -- Jean Cocteau 34062% 34063Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. 34064% 34065Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it. 34066 -- Russell Baker 34067% 34068Misfortune, n.: 34069 The kind of fortune that never misses. 34070 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 34071% 34072Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot. 34073% 34074Miss, n.: 34075 A title with which we brand unmarried 34076 women to indicate that they are in the market. 34077 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 34078% 34079Mistakeholder, n.: 34080 A person who depends on accidental features or 34081 implementation errors and so now has a vested 34082 interest in keeping things from being fixed. 34083 -- Chip Morningstar 34084% 34085Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure. 34086% 34087Mistrust first impulses; they are always right. 34088% 34089MIT: 34090 The Georgia Tech of the North 34091% 34092Mitchell's Law of Committees: 34093 Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are 34094held to discuss it. 34095% 34096Mittsquinter, adj.: 34097 A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, 34098 as if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there. 34099 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 34100% 34101Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans; 34102it's lovely to be silly at the right moment. 34103 -- Horace 34104% 34105Mixed emotions: 34106 Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff. 34107 With five empty seats. 34108% 34109Mix's Law: 34110 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building. 34111 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax. 34112% 34113MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed) 34114 34115 Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers 341162 cups water 2 cups sugar 341172 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice 34118 Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine 34119 Cinnamon 34120 34121Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break 34122RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar 34123and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon 34124juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously 34125with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top 34126crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let 34127steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust 34128is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices. 34129 -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box 34130% 34131Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business. 34132 -- P. J. Denning 34133% 34134Modem, adj.: 34135 Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An 34136 unfortunate byproduct of kerning. 34137% 34138Moderation in all things. 34139 -- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence] 34140% 34141Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess. 34142 -- Oscar Wilde 34143% 34144Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade 34145themselves that they have a better idea. 34146 -- John Ciardi 34147% 34148Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings. 34149% 34150Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural 34151function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the 34152other. There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the 34153brain now and then and make neural cells do what they would not otherwise. 34154Actually, of course, this is a working assumption only. ... It is quite 34155conceivable that someday the assumption will have to be rejected. But it 34156is important also to see that we have not reached that day yet: the working 34157assumption is a necessary one and there is no real evidence opposed to it. 34158Our failure to solve a problem so far does not make it insoluble. One cannot 34159logically be a determinist in physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology. 34160 -- D. O. Hebb, "Organization of Behavior: 34161 A Neuropsychological Theory", 1949 34162% 34163MODESTY: 34164 Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness. 34165% 34166Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue. 34167 -- J. K. Galbraith 34168% 34169Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending 34170 not to be aware of it. 34171 -- Oliver Herford 34172% 34173Moe: Wanna play poker tonight? 34174Joe: I can't. It's the kids' night out. 34175Moe: So? 34176Joe: I gotta stay home with the nurse. 34177% 34178Moe: What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day? 34179Joe: The usual gift -- she ate my heart out. 34180% 34181Moebius always does it on the same side. 34182% 34183Moebius strippers never show you their back side. 34184% 34185Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked him 34186how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just last week. 34187The great man replied that it was because this week he knew better. 34188% 34189Moishe Margolies, who weighed all of 105 pounds and stood an even five feet 34190in his socks, was taking his first airplane trip. He took a seat next to a 34191hulking bruiser of a man who happened to be the heavyweight champion of 34192the world. Little Moishe was uneasy enough before he even entered the plane, 34193but now the roar of the engines and the great height absolutely terrified him. 34194So frightened did he become that his stomach turned over and he threw up all 34195over the muscular giant siting beside him. Fortunately, at least for Moishe, 34196the man was sound asleep. But now the little man had another problem. How in 34197the world would he ever explain the situation to the burly brute when he 34198awakened? The sudden voice of the stewardess on the plane's intercom, finally 34199woke the bruiser, and Moishe, his heart in his mouth, rose to the occasion. 34200 "Feeling better now?" he asked solicitously. 34201% 34202Molecule, n.: 34203 The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from 34204 the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a 34205 closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit 34206 of matter... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and 34207 the atom in that it is an ion... 34208 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 34209% 34210Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: 34211 If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented 34212it wasn't worth doing. 34213% 34214MOMENTUM: 34215 What you give a person when they are going away. 34216% 34217Mommy, what happens to your files when you die? 34218% 34219Mom's Law: 34220 When they finally do have to take you to the 34221 hospital, your underwear won't be clean or new. 34222% 34223Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life. 34224% 34225Monday, n.: 34226 In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. 34227 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 34228% 34229Monday, n.: 34230 In Christian countries, the day after the football game. 34231 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 34232% 34233Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two 34234things we have. 34235 -- The Best of Will Rogers 34236% 34237Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship. 34238% 34239Money cannot buy 34240The fuel of love 34241but is excellent kindling. 34242 34243To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say, 34244Is a keen observer of life, 34245The word intellectual suggests right away 34246A man who's untrue to his wife. 34247 -- W. H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems" 34248% 34249Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you 34250awfully comfortable while you're being miserable. 34251 -- C. B. Luce 34252% 34253Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position. 34254 -- Christopher Marlowe 34255% 34256Money doesn't talk, it swears. 34257 -- Bob Dylan 34258% 34259Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well. 34260 -- Lazarus Long 34261% 34262Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. 34263% 34264Money is its own reward. 34265% 34266Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots. 34267% 34268Money is the root of all wealth. 34269% 34270Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash. 34271 -- Lazarus Long 34272% 34273Money isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next. 34274 -- Sir Edmond Stockdale 34275% 34276Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love. 34277% 34278Money may not buy happiness, but it sure 34279puts you in a great bargaining position. 34280% 34281Money will say more in one moment than 34282the most eloquent lover can in years. 34283% 34284Moneyliness is next to Godliness. 34285 -- Andries van Dam 34286% 34287Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses. 34288 -- H. H. Munro 34289% 34290MONOTONY: 34291 Marriage to one woman at a time. 34292% 34293MONTANA: 34294 A grizzly bear praying for the early arrival of cable television. 34295% 34296MONTANA: 34297 Where forty-three below keeps out the riff-raff. 34298% 34299Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place 34300in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling 34301of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery. 34302 -- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840 34303% 34304Moon, n.: 34305 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to 34306hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC). 34307% 34308Moore's Constant: 34309 Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody 34310 does something, but no one does what he sets out to do. 34311% 34312Mophobia, n.: 34313 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian. 34314% 34315More are taken in by hope than by cunning. 34316 -- Vauvenargues 34317% 34318More computing sins are committed in the name of efficiency (without 34319necessarily achieving it) than for any other single reason -- including 34320blind stupidity. 34321 -- W. A. Wulf 34322% 34323More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice. 34324 -- R. S. Surtees 34325% 34326More people died at Chappaquidick than at 3-mile island. 34327% 34328More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants. 34329% 34330MORE SPORTS RESULTS: 34331The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last Saturday 34332night. The match started with a long period of silence while the Freudians 34333waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the Rogerians waited for 34334the Freudians to say something they could paraphrase. The stalemate was 34335broken when the Freudians' best player took the offensive and interpreted 34336the Rogerians' silence as reflecting their anal-retentive personalities. 34337At this the Rogerians' star player said "I hear you saying you think we're 34338full of ka-ka." This started a fight and the match was called by officials. 34339% 34340More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One path 34341leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total extinction. 34342Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. 34343 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects" 34344% 34345Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly 34346religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help. 34347One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent 34348man all my life. Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery 34349just once?" 34350 The despondent fellow returned week after week. One day, Morris, 34351nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before. 34352I just want to win one little lottery." 34353 "As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at 34354least meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!" 34355% 34356Morton's Law: 34357 If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer. 34358% 34359Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more 34360wretched collection of villainy and disreputable types... 34361 -- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars" 34362% 34363Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: 34364 Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd 34365be out of a job. 34366% 34367MOSQUITO: 34368 The state bird of New Jersey. 34369% 34370Most burning issues generate far more heat than light. 34371% 34372Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex 34373because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs 34374and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little 34375eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around 34376and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the 34377female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just 34378dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven 34379by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the 34380truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of 34381them that it doesn't make any difference. 34382 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 34383 Teen Should Know" 34384% 34385Most folks they like the daytime, 34386 'cause they like to see the shining sun. 34387They're up in the morning, 34388 off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun. 34389But when the sun goes down, 34390 and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun. 34391 34392Now there are two sides to this great big world, 34393 and one of them is always night. 34394If you can take care of business in the sunshine, baby, 34395 I guess you're gonna be all right. 34396Don't come looking for me to lend you a hand. 34397 My eyes just can't stand the light. 34398 34399'Cause I'm a night owl honey, sleep all day long. 34400 -- Carly Simon 34401% 34402Most general statements are false, including this one. 34403 -- Alexander Dumas 34404% 34405Most of our lives are about proving something, 34406either to ourselves or to someone else. 34407% 34408Most of the fear that spoils our life comes from attacking 34409difficulties before we get to them. 34410 -- Dr. Frank Crane 34411% 34412...most of us learned about love the hard way. Even warnings are probably 34413useless, for somehow, despite the severest warnings of parents and friends, 34414hundreds, thousands of women have forgotten themselves at the last minute 34415and succumbed to the lies, promises, flatteries, or mere attentions of 34416lusting, lovely men, landing themselves in complicated predicaments from 34417which some of them never recovered during their entire lives. And I am not 34418speaking only of your teenaged Midwesterners in 1958; I'm speaking of women 34419of every age in every city in every year. The notorious sexual revolution 34420has saved no one from the pain and confusion of love. 34421 -- Alix Kates Shulman 34422% 34423Most of your faults are not your fault. 34424% 34425Most people are too busy to have time for anything important. 34426% 34427Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and 34428they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment 34429to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the 34430moon. 34431 -- H. L. Mencken 34432% 34433Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries. 34434% 34435Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently 34436than they do. 34437 -- Turgenev 34438% 34439Most people deserve each other. 34440 -- Shirley 34441% 34442Most people don't need a great deal of love 34443nearly so much as they need a steady supply. 34444% 34445Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market. 34446 -- Edgar W. Howe 34447% 34448Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion. 34449% 34450Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained 34451only by the disinclination of others to listen. Reserve is an artificial 34452quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs. 34453 -- W. Somerset Maugham 34454% 34455Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only. 34456% 34457Most people have two reasons for doing anything -- 34458a good reason, and the real reason. 34459% 34460Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are, 34461at best, reformed or potential lunatics. 34462 -- Susan Sontag 34463% 34464Most people need some of their problems 34465to help take their mind off some of the others. 34466% 34467Most people prefer certainty to truth. 34468% 34469Most people want either less corruption 34470or more of a chance to participate in it. 34471% 34472Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands, 34473if you'll consider their unacceptable offer. 34474% 34475Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. 34476 -- Frank Zappa 34477% 34478Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning. 34479% 34480Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance. 34481% 34482Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who 34483can't talk for people who can't read. 34484 -- Frank Zappa 34485% 34486Most seminars have a happy ending. Everyone's glad when they're over. 34487% 34488Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call. 34489 -- Richard Lewis 34490% 34491MOTHER: 34492 Half a word. 34493% 34494Mother Earth is not flat! 34495% 34496Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like. 34497 -- Arnold Bennett 34498% 34499Mother is the invention of necessity. 34500% 34501Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there 34502would be so many. 34503% 34504Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before. 34505% 34506Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they 34507don't want them to become politicians in the process. 34508 -- John F. Kennedy 34509% 34510Mothers of large families (who claim to common sense) 34511Will find a Tiger will repay the trouble and expense. 34512 -- Hilaire Belloc, "The Tiger" 34513% 34514Mount St. Helens should have used earth control. 34515% 34516MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING 34517% 34518Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal 34519of the day. 34520% 34521Mr. Cole's Axiom: 34522 The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the 34523 population is growing. 34524% 34525Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Joe Withers. I got four shirts of yours from 34526the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don't know why they gave me men's 34527shirts but they're going back. 34528% 34529Mr. Rockford? You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you. Could 34530you call me at... My name is... uh... Never mind, forget it! 34531% 34532Mr. Rockford; Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses. We got your 34533renewal before the extended deadline but not your check. I'm sorry but 34534at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator. 34535% 34536Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary 34537Etiquette. We aren't going to call again! Now you want these free 34538lessons or what? 34539% 34540Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent. 34541When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was 34542wrong, "Up to a point." 34543 "Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan? 34544Yokohama isn't it?" 34545 "Up to a point, Lord Copper." 34546 "And Hong Kong definitely belongs to us, doesn't it?" 34547 "Definitely, Lord Copper." 34548 -- Evelyn Waugh, "Scoop" 34549% 34550MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way. 34551 -- Henry Spencer 34552% 34553Much as they like to persuade us differently, lawyers are simply hired 34554consultants, and at some point you time them out. 34555 -- Craig Partridge 34556% 34557Much of the excitement we get out of our work 34558is that we don't really know what we are doing. 34559 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 34560% 34561Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day. 34562He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face. 34563"We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should 34564 be shared." 34565But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more: 34566First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes... 34567"Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!" 34568But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong... 34569"Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that 34570 with prawns, 34571Some parsley and some tartar sauce..." 34572But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung, 34573His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot, 34574And now he's going to scoff the lot!" 34575His Mother cried: "What shall we do? What's left won't even make a stew..." 34576And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen. 34577and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor... 34578None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is. 34579% 34580Multics is security spelled sideways. 34581% 34582"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) 34583"365,365,365,365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365. He [ten-year-old 34584Truman Henry Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his 34585pantaloons over the tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes 34586in their sockets, sometimes smiling and talking, and then seeming to be 34587in an agony, until, in not more than one minute, said he, 34588133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,225!" An electronic 34589computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be as much 34590fun to watch. 34591 -- James R. Newman, "The World of Mathematics" 34592% 34593MUMMY: 34594 An Egyptian who was pressed for time. 34595% 34596Mummy dust to make me old; 34597To shroud my clothes, the black of night; 34598To age my voice, an old hag's cackle; 34599To whiten my hair, a scream of fright; 34600A blast of wind to fan my hate; 34601A thunderbolt to mix it well -- 34602Now begin thy magic spell! 34603 -- The Evil Queen, "Snow White" 34604% 34605Mum's the word. 34606 -- Miguel de Cervantes 34607% 34608Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo. 34609 -- Xaviera Hollander 34610 34611[The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.] 34612% 34613Murder is always a mistake -- one should never do anything one cannot 34614talk about after dinner. 34615 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray" 34616% 34617Murphy was an optimist. 34618% 34619Murphy's Discovery: 34620 Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to 34621women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything 34622will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in 34623trouble! 34624% 34625Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work. 34626% 34627Murphy's Law of Research: 34628 Enough research will tend to support your theory. 34629% 34630Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem. 34631 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 34632% 34633Murphy's Laws: 34634 (1) If anything can go wrong, it will. 34635 (2) Nothing is as easy as it looks. 34636 (3) Everything takes longer than you think it will. 34637% 34638Murray's Rule: 34639 Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't. 34640% 34641Music in the soul can be heard by the universe. 34642 -- Lao Tsu 34643% 34644Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people. 34645% 34646Must I hold a candle to my shames? 34647 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 34648% 34649Mustgo, n.: 34650 Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so 34651 long it has become a science project. 34652 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 34653% 34654My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it. 34655 -- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel" 34656% 34657My analyst told me that I was right out of my head, 34658 But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead. 34659Because I have got a thing that is unique and new, 34660 To prove it I'll have the last laugh on you. 34661'Cause instead of one head -- I've got two. 34662 34663And you know two heads are better than one. 34664% 34665My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I 34666threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste. 34667First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the 34668frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up 34669the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed 34670forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier 34671perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through 34672the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative 34673crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a 34674symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state 34675in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I 34676really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded 34677OK. 34678 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" 34679% 34680My best argument against discrimination is quite simple: 34681 34682Does it really matter if the ABC people are inferior to the DEF people if 34683they can tell one end of a gun from the other? 34684% 34685My Bonnie looked into a gas tank, 34686The height of its contents to see! 34687She lit a small match to assist her, 34688Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me. 34689% 34690My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms 34691to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, 34692only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with 34693a bulls-eye on the back. 34694 34695I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them 34696said, "So will you." 34697 -- Rodney Dangerfield 34698% 34699My brain is my second favorite organ. 34700 -- Woody Allen 34701% 34702My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo 34703of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here". 34704 -- Steven Wright 34705% 34706My calculator is my shepherd, I shall not want 34707It maketh me accurate to ten significant figures, 34708 and it leadeth me in scientific notation to 99 digits. 34709It restoreth my square roots and guideth me along paths of floating 34710 decimal points for the sake of precision. 34711Yea, tho I walk through the valley of surprise quizzes, 34712 I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me. 34713It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an 34714 arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers. 34715It anoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are 34716 over. 34717Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my 34718 life, and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever. 34719% 34720My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty 34721nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and, 34722instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at 34723a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at 34724the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which 34725turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain 34726that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were 34727just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that. 34728 -- Hunter S. Thompson 34729% 34730"My code is elegant", "Your code is sneaky", "His code is an ugly hack" 34731 -- Colin Percival on irregular verbs 34732% 34733My country, right or wrong" is a thing that no patriot would think 34734of saying, except in a desperate case. It is like saying "My mother, 34735drunk or sober. 34736 -- G. K. Chesterton, "The Defendant" 34737% 34738My cup hath runneth'd over with love. 34739% 34740My darling wife was always glum. 34741I drowned her in a cask of rum, 34742And so made sure that she would stay 34743In better spirits night and day. 34744% 34745My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. 34746Unless there are three other people. 34747 -- Orson Welles 34748% 34749My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me. 34750% 34751My experience with government is when things are non-controversial, 34752beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much 34753is going on. 34754 -- John F. Kennedy 34755% 34756My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you. 34757 -- Iphicrates 34758% 34759My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose 34760your ignorance; you cannot replace it." 34761 -- Erich Maria Remarque 34762% 34763My father taught me three things: 34764 1: Never mix whiskey with anything but water. 34765 2: Never try to draw to an inside straight. 34766 3: Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name. 34767% 34768My father was a God-fearing man, but he never 34769missed a copy of the New York Times, either. 34770 -- E. B. White 34771% 34772My father was a saint, I'm not. 34773 -- Indira Gandhi 34774% 34775My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce 34776and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side. 34777 -- Hubert H. Humphrey 34778% 34779My first basename is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh 34780Pirates team, which lost 112 games. After a terrible series against the 34781New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors 34782and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can 34783somebody think of something to help us win a game?" 34784 "I'd like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said. "On any ball hit 34785to center field, let's just let it roll to see if it might go foul." 34786 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game" 34787% 34788My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower, 34789but they were there to meet the boat. 34790% 34791My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so 34792later I can ask him what he meant. 34793 -- Steven Wright 34794% 34795My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse, 34796but always, always, he was right. 34797% 34798My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer. First 34799she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her. This summer I'm going to go 34800back and dig her up. 34801% 34802My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand times 34803as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and sending 34804mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right through my ALU. 34805I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever listens. I think it 34806would be better for us both if you were to just log out again. 34807% 34808My, how you've changed since I've changed. 34809% 34810My idea of roughing it is when room service is late. 34811% 34812My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low. 34813% 34814My interest is in the future because I am 34815going to spend the rest of my life there. 34816% 34817My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights? 34818 -- MadameX 34819% 34820My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet, 34821 And a wild young wood-thing bore him! 34822The ways are fair to his roaming feet, 34823 And the skies are sunlit for him. 34824As sharply sweet to my heart he seems 34825 As the fragrance of acacia. 34826My own dear love, he is all my dreams -- 34827 And I wish he were in Asia. 34828 -- Dorothy Parker, part 2 34829% 34830My love runs by like a day in June, 34831 And he makes no friends of sorrows. 34832He'll tread his galloping rigadoon 34833 In the pathway or the morrows. 34834He'll live his days where the sunbeams start 34835 Nor could storm or wind uproot him. 34836My own dear love, he is all my heart -- 34837 And I wish somebody'd shoot him. 34838 -- Dorothy Parker, part 3 34839% 34840My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right 34841thing to say. And then say it with the utmost levity. 34842 -- George Bernard Shaw 34843% 34844My mind can never know my body, although 34845it has become quite friendly with my legs. 34846 -- Woody Allen, on Epistemology 34847% 34848My mother drinks to forget she drinks. 34849 -- Crazy Jimmy 34850% 34851My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been 34852one. 34853 -- Groucho Marx 34854% 34855My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood) 34856"Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." 34857For years I tried smart. I recommend pleasant. 34858 -- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey" 34859% 34860My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!" 34861 -- Sue Murphy 34862% 34863My My, hey hey 34864Rock and roll is here to stay The king is gone but he's not forgotten 34865It's better to burn out This is the story of a Johnny Rotten 34866Than to fade away It's better to burn out than it is to rust 34867My my, hey hey The king is gone but he's not forgotten 34868 34869It's out of the blue and into the black Hey hey, my my 34870They give you this, but you pay for that Rock and roll can never die 34871And once you're gone you can never come back There's more to the picture 34872When you're out of the blue Than meets the eye 34873And into the black 34874 -- Neil Young 34875 "My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), Rust Never Sleeps" 34876% 34877My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should 34878be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties. 34879% 34880My only love sprung from my only hate! 34881Too early seen unknown, and known too late! 34882 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet" 34883% 34884My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. 34885% 34886My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's. 34887 -- Oscar Wilde 34888% 34889My own dear love, he is strong and bold 34890 And he cares not what comes after. 34891His words ring sweet as a chime of gold, 34892 And his eyes are lit with laughter. 34893He is jubilant as a flag unfurled -- 34894 Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him. 34895My own dear love, he is all my world -- 34896 And I wish I'd never met him. 34897 -- Dorothy Parker, part 1 34898% 34899My own feelings are perhaps best described by saying that I am 34900perfectly aware that there is no Royal Road to Mathematics, in other 34901words, that I have only a very small head and must live with it. 34902 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 34903% 34904My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems, 34905and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be 34906reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent 34907to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not 34908we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand, 34909slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point 34910from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now 34911would be to deny our history, our capabilities. 34912 -- James A. Michener 34913% 34914My parents went to Niagra Falls and all I got was this crummy life. 34915% 34916My pen is at the bottom of a page, 34917Which, being finished, here the story ends; 34918'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done, 34919But stories somehow lengthen when begun. 34920 -- Byron 34921% 34922My philosophy is: Don't think. 34923 -- Charles Manson 34924% 34925My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. 34926 -- Errol Flynn 34927 34928Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure. 34929 -- Errol Flynn 34930% 34931My rackets are run on strictly American 34932lines, and they're going to stay that way. 34933 -- Al Capone 34934% 34935My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior 34936spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive 34937with our frail and feeble mind. 34938 -- Albert Einstein 34939% 34940My ritual differs slightly. What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I 34941hop into the shower stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped 34942in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot 34943character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off 34944of while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog, 34945Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful 34946dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants 34947to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear 34948in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind 34949-- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new 34950part if you want to sing the "Messiah," if you get my drift. Then I hop 34951right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children 34952have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don't -- has chosen 34953exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them. 34954 -- Dave Barry 34955% 34956My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any 34957reason to limit myself. 34958 -- Emo Philips 34959% 34960My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii. 34961She sells C shells by the seashore. 34962% 34963My soul is crushed, my spirit sore 34964I do not like me anymore, 34965I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse, 34966I ponder on the narrow house 34967I shudder at the thought of men 34968I'm due to fall in love again. 34969 -- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope" 34970% 34971My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. 34972 -- Christopher Morley 34973% 34974My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago. 34975 -- George Gobel 34976% 34977My way of joking is to tell the truth. 34978That's the funniest joke in the world. 34979 -- Muhammad Ali 34980% 34981My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies. 34982% 34983Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them. 34984 -- Booth Tarkington 34985% 34986Mythology, n.: 34987 The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its 34988origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished 34989from the true accounts which it invents later. 34990 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 34991% 34992Naches (rhymes with Bach' us, with "Bach" pronounced like the composer) 34993is what every Jewish parent wants from their children, lots of good 34994returns, good grades, good spouse, good grandchildren. 34995 34996So, now that you all understand naches, the joke: 34997 34998Two Jewish women are sitting having coffee. 34999 "So, how's your daughter?" 35000 "Oh, Rachel! She's fine, she just married a dentist!" 35001 "Really? Isn't she the one that married the lawyer?" 35002 "Yes, that's my Rachel." 35003 "That's... that's nice. But isn't she the same one that married 35004 the doctor?" 35005 "Yes, that's her!" 35006 "But didn't she marry a bank executive before that?" 35007 "Yes, yes!" 35008 "Ahhh. So much naches from one child!" 35009% 35010Nachman's Rule: 35011 When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better. 35012 -- Gerald Nachman 35013% 35014Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection. 35015 -- '76 Olympics 35016% 35017Naeser's Law: 35018 You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof. 35019% 35020'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan. 35021Never odd or even. 35022A man, a plan, a canal, Panama. 35023Madam, I'm Adam. 35024Sit on a potato pan, Otis. 35025 -- The Mad Palindromist 35026% 35027NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he 35028 says is wrong. 35029GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says 35030 will be right. 35031 -- George Bernard Shaw, "The Man of Destiny" 35032% 35033Narcolepulacyi, n.: 35034 The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight 35035 to also yawn. 35036 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 35037% 35038Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant 35039said "My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next 35040time he goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone 35041might steal it." 35042% 35043Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the 35044villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," 35045said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the 35046villagers but the stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The 35047remaining villager asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he 35048said -- and quite distinctly, for everyone to hear -- was `Get out of 35049my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; he had heard words actually 35050spoken by the King, and seen the very man they were spoken to. 35051% 35052Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to 35053serve him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk 35054into your shop?" "Of course." "Have you ever seen me before?" 35055"Never." "Then how do you know it was me?" 35056% 35057Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful 35058than the sun." "Why?", he was asked. "Because at night we need the 35059light more." 35060% 35061Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver 35062pie. Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of 35063meat from his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, 35064"Foolish bird! You have the liver, but what can you do with it without 35065the recipe?" 35066% 35067National security is in your hands - guard it well. 35068% 35069Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of 35070scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams. 35071 -- Mary Ellen Kelly 35072% 35073Natural laws have no pity. 35074% 35075Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders 35076of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to 35077drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, 35078or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people 35079can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you 35080have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists 35081for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same 35082in every country. 35083 -- Hermann Goering 35084% 35085Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of 35086conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the 35087fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he 35088is most likely to be creamed? 35089 -- Solomon Short 35090% 35091Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset. 35092 -- Clare Booth Luce 35093% 35094Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. 35095% 35096Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, 35097God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. 35098 35099It did not last; the devil howling "Ho! 35100Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo. 35101% 35102Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely 35103given them little. 35104 -- Dr. Samuel Johnson 35105% 35106Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it 35107cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs. 35108 -- Fran Lebowitz 35109% 35110Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be 35111tolerated until they acquire some sense. 35112 -- William Phelps 35113% 35114Nature to all things fixed the limits fit, 35115And wisely curbed proud man's pretending wit. 35116As on the land while here the ocean gains, 35117In other parts it leaves wide sandy plains; 35118Thus in the soul while memory prevails, 35119The solid power of understanding fails; 35120Where beams of warm imagination play, 35121The memory's soft figures melt away. 35122 -- Alexander Pope (on runtime bounds checking?) 35123% 35124Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed. 35125 -- Francis Bacon 35126% 35127Near the Studio Jean Cocteau 35128On the Rue des Ecoles 35129lived an old man 35130with a blind dog 35131Every evening I would see him 35132guiding the dog along 35133the sidewalk, keeping 35134a firm grip on the leash 35135so that the dog wouldn't 35136run into a passerby 35137Sometimes the dog would stop 35138and look up at the sky 35139Once the old man 35140noticed me watching the dog 35141and he said, "Oh, yes, 35142this one knows 35143when the moon is out, 35144he can feel it on his face" 35145 -- Barry Gifford 35146% 35147Nearly all men can stand adversity, but 35148if you want to test a man's character, give him power. 35149 -- Abraham Lincoln 35150% 35151Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I 35152have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong. 35153 -- Brent Welch 35154% 35155Necessity has no law. 35156 -- St. Augustine 35157% 35158Necessity hath no law. 35159 -- Oliver Cromwell 35160% 35161Necessity is a mother. 35162% 35163"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity 35164is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth. 35165 -- Alfred North Whitehead 35166% 35167Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom. 35168It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves. 35169 -- William Pitt, 1783 35170% 35171Neckties strangle clear thinking. 35172 -- Lin Yutang 35173% 35174Needs are a function of what other people have. 35175% 35176Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty. 35177 -- Napoleon 35178% 35179Neil Armstrong tripped. 35180% 35181Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so. 35182% 35183Nemo me impune lacessit 35184 [No one provokes me with impunity] 35185 -- Motto of the Crown of Scotland 35186% 35187Nerd pack, n.: 35188 Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling 35189 clothes. Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be 35190 measured by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling 35191 in his pack. 35192% 35193Network packets are like buses. You wait all day, and then 3Com 35194along at once. 35195% 35196Neuroses are red, 35197 Melancholia's blue. 35198I'm schizophrenic, 35199 What are you? 35200% 35201Neurotics build castles in the sky, 35202Psychotics live in them, 35203And psychiatrists collect the rent. 35204% 35205Neutrinos are into physicists. 35206% 35207Neutrinos have bad breadth. 35208% 35209Neutron bomb, n.: 35210 An explosive device of limited military value because, as 35211 it only destroys people without destroying property, it 35212 must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property. 35213% 35214Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy. 35215 -- Linda Festa 35216% 35217Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one. 35218Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage. 35219 -- Lazarus Long 35220% 35221Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference. 35222% 35223Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested. 35224% 35225Never ask the barber if you need a haircut. 35226% 35227Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. 35228 -- Anonymous 35229% 35230Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. 35231Professionals built the Titanic. 35232% 35233Never be led astray onto the path of virtue. 35234% 35235Never buy from a rich salesman. 35236 -- Goldenstern 35237% 35238Never buy what you do not want 35239because it is cheap; it will be dear to you. 35240 -- Thomas Jefferson 35241% 35242Never call a man a fool; borrow from him. 35243% 35244Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you. 35245% 35246Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off. 35247% 35248Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. 35249% 35250Never do programs contain so few bugs as when no debugging tools 35251are available. 35252 -- Niklaus Wirth 35253% 35254Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow. 35255% 35256Never drink Coca-Cola in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled 35257with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change 35258into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the 35259window. (Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.) 35260% 35261Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water. 35262% 35263Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc. 35264And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. 35265 -- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know" 35266% 35267Never eat more than you can lift. 35268 -- Miss Piggy 35269% 35270Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're 35271absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth. 35272% 35273Never explain. Your friends do not need it 35274and your enemies will never believe you anyway. 35275 -- Elbert Hubbard 35276% 35277Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning. 35278 -- Marlo Thomas 35279% 35280Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry. 35281% 35282Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you. 35283% 35284Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose. 35285% 35286Never give an inch! 35287% 35288Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. 35289 -- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints" 35290% 35291Never have children, only grandchildren. 35292 -- Gore Vidal 35293% 35294Never have so many understood so little about so much. 35295 -- James Burke 35296% 35297Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. 35298% 35299Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river. 35300% 35301Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting. 35302 -- Billy Rose 35303% 35304Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. 35305 -- Quentin Crisp 35306% 35307Never kick a man, unless he's down. 35308% 35309Never laugh at live dragons. 35310 -- Bilbo Baggins, "The Hobbit" 35311% 35312Never leave anything to chance; 35313make sure all your crimes are premeditated. 35314% 35315Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. 35316 -- Erma Bombeck 35317% 35318Never let someone who says it cannot be done 35319interrupt the person who is doing it. 35320% 35321Never let your schooling interfere with your education. 35322% 35323Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. 35324 -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation" 35325% 35326Never look a gift horse in the mouth. 35327 -- Saint Jerome 35328% 35329Never look up when dragons fly overhead. 35330% 35331Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to 35332make it complex and wonderful. 35333% 35334Never miss a good chance to shut up. 35335% 35336Never negotiate with the United States unless you have a nuclear 35337weapon. 35338 -- Former deputy defense minister of India 35339% 35340Never offend people with style when you can offend them with substance. 35341 -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977 35342% 35343Never offend with style when you can offend with substance. 35344% 35345Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt. 35346% 35347Never play pool with anyone named "Fats". 35348% 35349Never promise more than you can perform. 35350 -- Publilius Syrus 35351% 35352Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time. 35353 -- D. Gries 35354% 35355Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. 35356% 35357Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after. 35358% 35359Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a 35360law against it by that time. 35361% 35362Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection 35363unprotected. 35364 -- Robert Orben 35365% 35366Never reveal your best argument. 35367% 35368Never say "Oops" in an operating room. 35369% 35370Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him. 35371% 35372Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower. 35373% 35374Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own. 35375 -- Nelson Algren 35376% 35377Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on 35378that subject. 35379 -- Charles-Maurice De Talleyrand 35380% 35381NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle. 35382% 35383Never tell. Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks 35384in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm 35385tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay 35386On Top Of Me Or I'll Die'. I didn't know what I was gonna do..." 35387 -- Lenny Bruce 35388% 35389Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient. 35390% 35391Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to 35392do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity. 35393 -- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr. 35394% 35395Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. 35396 -- Steinbach 35397% 35398Never test the depth of the water with both feet. 35399% 35400Never trust a child farther than you can throw it. 35401% 35402Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself. 35403% 35404Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal. 35405 -- John Dillinger 35406% 35407Never trust an operating system. 35408% 35409Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg. 35410% 35411Never trust anyone who says money is no object. 35412% 35413Never try to explain computers to a layman. It's easier to explain 35414sex to a virgin. 35415 -- Robert A. Heinlein 35416 35417(Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.) 35418% 35419Never try to outstubborn a cat. 35420 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 35421% 35422Never try to teach a pig to sing. 35423It wastes your time and annoys the pig. 35424% 35425Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. 35426 -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS 35427% 35428Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon. 35429% 35430Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. 35431 -- Robert A. Heinlein 35432% 35433Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where 35434there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc. 35435% 35436Never volunteer for anything. 35437 -- Lackland 35438% 35439Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's 35440supposed to do. 35441 -- Robert A. Heinlein 35442% 35443New, adj.: 35444 Different color from previous model. 35445% 35446New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt. 35447% 35448New England Life, of course. Why do you ask? 35449% 35450New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in 35451any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe. 35452% 35453New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of 35454Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within. 35455% 35456New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area. 35457 -- Monty Python's Big Red Book 35458% 35459New release: 35460 Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the waiting 35461 time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this 35462 rate there will soon be an up to a one year wait. 35463% 35464New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and 35465his wife most often reminds him to act it. 35466 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary 35467% 35468New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors. 35469% 35470New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around 35471whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. 35472 -- David Letterman 35473% 35474New York-- to that tall skyline I come 35475Flyin' in from London to your door 35476New York-- lookin' down on Central Park 35477Where they say you should not wander after dark. 35478New York. 35479 -- Simon and Garfunkel 35480% 35481New York's got the ways and means; 35482Just won't let you be. 35483 -- The Grateful Dead 35484% 35485Newlan's Truism: 35486 An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government 35487economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. 35488% 35489Newman's Discovery: 35490 Your best dreams may not come true; 35491 fortunately, neither will your worst dreams. 35492% 35493NEWS FLASH!! 35494 Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West 35495 German pole-vault champion. 35496% 35497news: gotcha 35498% 35499NEWSFLASH!! 35500 Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at 355011700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down. 35502It was. Age 31. 35503% 35504Newspaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then 35505print the chaff. 35506 -- Adlai E. Stevenson 35507% 35508Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction. 35509% 35510Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: 35511 A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. 35512% 35513Next Friday will not be your lucky day. 35514As a matter of fact, you don't have a lucky day this year. 35515% 35516Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice. 35517 -- Foghorn Leghorn 35518% 35519Nice guys don't finish nice. 35520% 35521Nice guys finish last. 35522 -- Leo Durocher 35523% 35524Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in. 35525 -- Evan Davis 35526% 35527Nice guys get sick. 35528% 35529Nick the Greek's Law of Life: 35530 All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against. 35531% 35532Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder. 35533% 35534Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. 35535God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again. 35536 -- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters" 35537% 35538Nihilism should commence with oneself. 35539% 35540Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name 35541correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into 35542(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but 35543Americans call him by value. 35544% 35545Nine megs for the secretaries fair, 35546Seven megs for the hackers scarce, 35547Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs, 35548Three megs for system source; 35549 35550One disk to rule them all, 35551One disk to bind them, 35552One disk to hold the files 35553And in the darkness grind 'em. 35554% 35555Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes 35556 And tapes without any tracks; 35557Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes 35558 And tapes mixed up on the racks -- 35559 Take hold of the tape 35560 And pull off the strip, 35561 And then you'll be sure 35562 Your tape drive will skip. 35563 35564 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes 35565% 35566Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation. 35567 -- Henry Kissinger 35568% 35569Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they would. 35570The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect that much. 35571 -- Augustine 35572% 35573Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: 35574 The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of 35575 the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. 35576% 35577Nirvana? That's the place where the powers that be and their friends 35578hang out. 35579 -- Zonker Harris 35580% 35581Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing 35582else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow 35583the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked. 35584 -- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye" 35585% 35586No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted. 35587 -- Aesop 35588% 35589No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck. 35590% 35591No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail. 35592% 35593No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless 35594absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation. 35595 -- Fran Lebowitz 35596% 35597No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings. 35598 -- William Blake 35599% 35600No brainer, n.: 35601 A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope, 35602 is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally. 35603% 35604No character, however upright, is a match for 35605constantly reiterated attacks, however false. 35606 -- Alexander Hamilton 35607% 35608No Civil War picture ever made a nickel. 35609 -- MGM executive Irving Thalberg to Louis B. Mayer about 35610 film rights to "Gone With the Wind". 35611 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" 35612% 35613No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a 35614camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform 35615effectively under such difficult conditions. 35616 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter 35617% 35618No directory. 35619% 35620No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon 35621lectures which are really worth the attending. 35622 -- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations" 35623% 35624No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself 35625on the grounds that it was human nature. 35626% 35627No, "Eureka" is Greek for "This bath is too hot." 35628 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who" 35629% 35630No evil can happen to a good man. 35631 -- Plato 35632% 35633No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness. 35634 -- Aristotle 35635% 35636No extensible language will be universal. 35637 -- T. Cheatham 35638% 35639No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl; 35640no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman. 35641 -- Landor 35642% 35643No good deed goes unpunished. 35644 -- Clare Boothe Luce 35645% 35646No group of professionals meets except to 35647conspire against the public at large. 35648 -- Mark Twain 35649% 35650No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that 35651he will not become a nuisance after three days. 35652 -- Titus Maccius Plautus 35653% 35654No guts, no glory. 35655% 35656No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware 35657until three software guys have signed off for it. 35658 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum 35659% 35660No, his mind is not for rent 35661To any god or government. 35662Always hopeful, yet discontent, 35663He knows changes aren't permanent - 35664But change is. 35665% 35666No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets. 35667% 35668No house should ever be on any hill or on anything. 35669It should be of the hill, belonging to it. 35670 -- Frank Lloyd Wright 35671% 35672No, I don't have a drinking problem. 35673I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem! 35674% 35675No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain. All I'm after is 35676just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone 35677and Telegraph Company. 35678 -- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking 35679 machine, 1943. 35680% 35681No is no negative in a woman's mouth. 35682 -- Sidney 35683% 35684No job too big; no fee too big! 35685 -- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghostbusters" 35686% 35687No line available at 300 baud. 35688% 35689No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of 35690absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream. 35691Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness 35692within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more. 35693Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and 35694doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone 35695of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone. 35696 -- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House" 35697% 35698No maintenance: 35699 Impossible to fix. 35700% 35701No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost 35702interest in hair restorers. 35703 -- Austin O'Malley 35704% 35705No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after 35706eating one peanut. 35707 -- Channing Pollock 35708% 35709No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the 35710Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, 35711Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if 35712a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes 35713me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know 35714for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee. 35715 -- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland" 35716% 35717No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas. 35718% 35719No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list. 35720% 35721No man is useless who has a friend, 35722and if we are loved we are indispensable. 35723 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 35724% 35725No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next. 35726 -- Edgar W. Howe 35727% 35728No man's ambition has a right to stand in 35729the way of performing a simple act of justice. 35730 -- John Altgeld 35731% 35732No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher 35733than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination. 35734 -- Lenin, 1918 35735% 35736No matter how celebrated the beauty of a woman, I would never spend a night 35737with her. The only celebrity with whom I would share a night is Max Planck. 35738But he is dead. So I live like a monk, aside from a little self gratification 35739in the afternoons. 35740 -- Salvador Dali 35741% 35742No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up. 35743% 35744No matter how much you do you never do enough. 35745% 35746No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for 35747signs of improvement. 35748 -- Florida Scott-Maxwell 35749% 35750No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will 35751seriously cramp his style. 35752% 35753No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would. 35754% 35755No matter what other nations may say about the United States, 35756immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery. 35757% 35758No matter where I go, the place is always called "here". 35759% 35760No matter who you are, some scholar can show you 35761the great idea you had was had by someone before you. 35762% 35763No matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not, 35764th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns. 35765 -- Mr. Dooley 35766% 35767No modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to an 35768unmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway. 35769 -- Arthur Binstead 35770% 35771No, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust it 35772all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly 35773the functions he is competent to. It is by dividing and subdividing these 35774republics from the national one down through all its subordinations, until it 35775ends in the administration of every man's farm by himself; by placing under 35776every one what his own eye may superintend, that all will be done for the best. 35777 -- Thomas Jefferson, to Joseph Cabell, 1816 35778% 35779No one becomes depraved in a moment. 35780 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis 35781% 35782No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. 35783% 35784No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a 35785dirty little beast. 35786 -- W. S. Gilbert 35787% 35788No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. 35789 -- Eleanor Roosevelt 35790% 35791No one can put you down without your full cooperation. 35792% 35793No one gets sick on Wednesdays. 35794% 35795No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid. 35796% 35797No one has a higher opinion of him than he has. 35798 -- Greg Lehey, FreeBSDcon 1999 35799% 35800No one knows like a woman how to say 35801things that are at once gentle and deep. 35802 -- Hugo 35803% 35804No one knows what he can do till he tries. 35805 -- Publilius Syrus 35806% 35807No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars. 35808 -- Quintus Ennius 35809% 35810No one should have to wait until after ten o'clock for his english muffin! 35811 -- Snoopy 35812% 35813No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the 35814one who's giving it. 35815 -- Hal Chadwick 35816% 35817NO OPIUM-SMOKING IN THE ELEVATORS 35818 -- sign in the Rand Hotel, New York, 1907 35819% 35820No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval 35821system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of 35822the author. 35823 -- Chris Shaw 35824% 35825No pig should go sky diving during monsoon 35826For this isn't really the norm. 35827But should a fat swine try to soar like a loon, 35828So what? Any pork in a storm. 35829 35830No pig should go sky diving during monsoon, 35831It's risky enough when the weather is fine. 35832But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar 35833Cast even more perils before swine. 35834% 35835No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff -- 35836He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough. 35837Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame 35838And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame. 35839CHORUS: 35840 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, 35841 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. 35842 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, 35843 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. 35844Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails 35845And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail. 35846All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff 35847But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!" 35848 (chorus) 35849Puff used more resources than DCS could spare. 35850The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care. 35851A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end, 35852But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again! 35853 (chorus) 35854% 35855No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of 35856them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe 35857their wish has been granted. 35858 -- W. H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand" 35859% 35860No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances. 35861% 35862No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. 35863 -- C. Schulz 35864% 35865No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere. 35866% 35867"No program is perfect," 35868They said with a shrug. 35869"The customer's happy-- 35870What's one little bug?" 35871 35872But he was determined, Then change two, then three more, 35873The others went home. As year followed year. 35874He dug out the flow chart And strangers would comment, 35875Deserted, alone. "Is that guy still here?" 35876 35877Night passed into morning. He died at the console 35878The room was cluttered Of hunger and thirst 35879With core dumps, source listings. Next day he was buried 35880"I'm close," he muttered. Face down, nine edge first. 35881 35882Chain smoking, cold coffee, And his wife through her tears 35883Logic, deduction. Accepted his fate. 35884"I've got it!" he cried, Said "He's not really gone, 35885"Just change one instruction." He's just working late." 35886 -- The Perfect Programmer 35887% 35888No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied 35889occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an 35890indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining 35891occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as 35892an indication-applied occurrence. 35893 -- ALGOL 68 Report 35894% 35895No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious. 35896% 35897No rock so hard but that a little wave 35898May beat admission in a thousand years. 35899 -- Tennyson 35900% 35901No self-made man ever did such a good job 35902that some woman didn't want to make some alterations. 35903 -- Kin Hubbard 35904% 35905No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of paper. 35906 -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was 35907 taken over by Rupert Murdoch 35908% 35909No skis take rocks like rental skis! 35910% 35911No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary 35912for that purpose to keep awake all day. 35913 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 35914% 35915No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible. 35916% 35917No sooner had Edger Allen Poe 35918Finished his old Raven, 35919then he started his Old Crow. 35920% 35921No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth. 35922 -- Quintus Ennius 35923% 35924No spitting on the Bus! 35925Thank you, The Management. 35926% 35927No television performance takes as much preparation as an off-the-cuff talk. 35928 -- Richard M. Nixon 35929% 35930No two persons ever read the same book. 35931 -- Edmund Wilson 35932% 35933No use getting too involved in life -- 35934you're only here for a limited time. 35935% 35936No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider the furniture! 35937 -- Sherlock Holmes 35938% 35939No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner. 35940 -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar 35941% 35942No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of 35943him than he deserves. 35944 -- Edgar W. Howe 35945% 35946No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo. 35947Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop! 35948% 35949No wonder you're tired! You understood so much today. 35950% 35951No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow. 35952% 35953Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest. 35954% 35955Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it. 35956 -- Tallulah Bankhead 35957% 35958Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning. 35959% 35960Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet. 35961 -- Kin Hubbard 35962% 35963Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something. 35964% 35965NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION. 35966% 35967Nobody is one block of harmony. We are all afraid of something, or feel 35968limited in something. We all need somebody to talk to. It would be good 35969if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk. We 35970shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact; 35971that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too. 35972It's so much easier to be together when we drop our masks. 35973 -- Liv Ullman 35974% 35975Nobody knows the trouble I've been. 35976% 35977Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears. 35978 -- Roy Harper 35979% 35980Nobody loves me, 35981Everybody hates me, 35982I think I'll go out and eat worms. 35983I'm gonna cut their heads off, 35984Eat their insides out, 35985And throw way the skins. 35986Big, fat, juicy ones, 35987Little, skinny, cute ones, 35988Watch how they wiggle and they squirm. 35989% 35990Nobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married. 35991And then it's too late. 35992% 35993Nobody said computers were going to be polite. 35994% 35995Nobody shot me. 35996 -- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police 35997 who had shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the 35998 Saint Valentine's Day Massacre. 35999 36000Only Capone kills like that. 36001 -- George "Bugs" Moran, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre 36002 36003The only man who kills like that is Bugs Moran. 36004 -- Al Capone, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre 36005% 36006Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in 36007order for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the 36008substance of their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young 36009and rob the old. 36010 -- Lewis Lapham 36011% 36012Nobody takes a bribe. Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold out 36013your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's 36014different. 36015 -- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P. 36016 O'Brien, instructions to the force. 36017% 36018Nobody wants constructive criticism. 36019It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise. 36020% 36021Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start 36022coming in late and lying about it. 36023% 36024nohup rm -fr /& 36025% 36026Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has 36027merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid. 36028 -- Mark Twain 36029% 36030Nolo contendere: 36031 A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do 36032 it again." 36033% 36034Nominal egg: 36035 New Yorkerese for expensive. 36036% 36037Noncombatant, n.: 36038 A dead Quaker. 36039 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 36040% 36041Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable. 36042 -- M. J. 0'Donnell 36043% 36044Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong. 36045% 36046None love the bearer of bad news. 36047 -- Sophocles 36048% 36049None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it necessary 36050to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one 36051ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a 36052job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing 36053forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient 36054he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a 36055state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the 36056"expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible. 36057 -- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work" 36058% 36059Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: 36060 Negative expectations yield negative results. 36061 Positive expectations yield negative results. 36062% 36063Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it. 36064 -- Heisenberg 36065% 36066Nonsense and beauty have close connections. 36067 -- E. M. Forster 36068% 36069Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades. 36070% 36071Noone ever built a statue to a critic. 36072% 36073No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good 36074intentions. He had money as well. 36075 -- Margaret Thatcher 36076% 36077Norbert Wiener was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Wiener was, in 36078fact, very absent minded. The following story is told about him: when they 36079moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely 36080useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since 36081she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had 36082moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to 36083him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He 36084reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled 36085some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and 36086threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the 36087old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they 36088had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of 36089paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There 36090was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where 36091he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Wiener 36092and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the 36093young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget." 36094 The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the 36095story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that it wasn't 36096quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were! The rest of it, 36097however, was pretty close to what actually happened... 36098 -- Richard Harter 36099% 36100Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps. 36101 -- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter 36102 36103Coach: How's life treating you, Norm? 36104Norm: Like it caught me in bed with his wife. 36105 -- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's 36106 36107Coach: How's life, Norm? 36108Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach. 36109 -- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants 36110% 36111Norm: Hey, everybody. 36112All: [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.] 36113Norm: [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.] 36114 Norm! (Norman.) 36115 How are you feeling today, Norm? 36116 Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer. 36117 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash 36118 36119Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson? 36120Norm: Zha-Zha marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer. 36121 Film at eleven. 36122 -- Cheers, Knights of the Scimitar 36123 36124Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson? 36125Norm: Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better. 36126 -- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone 36127% 36128[Norm comes in with an attractive woman.] 36129 36130Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera? 36131Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe. 36132 -- Cheers, Norman's Conquest 36133 36134Coach: What's up, Normie? 36135Norm: The temperature under my collar, Coach. 36136 -- Cheers, I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2) 36137 36138Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie? 36139Norm: Going down? 36140 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom 36141% 36142[Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.] 36143 36144Off-screen crowd: Norm! 36145Sam: How the hell do they know him here? 36146Cliff: He's got a life, you know. 36147 -- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity 36148 36149Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson? 36150Norm: Elope with my wife. 36151 -- Cheers, The Triangle 36152 36153Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson? 36154Norm: Oh, I'm waiting for the movie. 36155 -- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please? 36156% 36157[Norm is angry.] 36158 36159Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson? 36160Norm: Clifford Clavin's head. 36161 -- Cheers, The Triangle 36162 36163Sam: Hey, what's happening, Norm? 36164Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy, 36165 and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear. 36166 -- Cheers, The Peterson Principle 36167 36168Sam: How's life in the fast lane, Normie? 36169Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp. 36170 -- Cheers, Diane Chambers Day 36171% 36172[Norm returns from the hospital.] 36173 36174Coach: What's up, Norm? 36175Norm: Everything that's supposed to be. 36176 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom 36177 36178Sam: What's new, Normie? 36179Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach. 36180 They're demanding beer. 36181 -- Cheers, The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter 36182 36183Coach: What'll it be, Normie? 36184Norm: Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel. 36185 -- Cheers, King of the Hill 36186% 36187[Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.] 36188Norm: Afternoon, everybody! 36189All: Anton! 36190 -- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm 36191 36192Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? 36193Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, "Insert beer here." 36194 -- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible 36195 36196Sam: What can I get you, Norm? 36197Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder? Ah, just kidding. 36198 Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers. 36199 -- Cheers, Two Girls for Every Boyd 36200% 36201Normal times may possibly be over forever. 36202% 36203Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other 36204reason than self-protection. We never recommend any of our graduates, 36205although we cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed 36206their courses. 36207 -- Jack Vance, "Freitzke's Turn" 36208% 36209Nostalgia is living life in the past lane. 36210% 36211Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be. 36212% 36213Not all men who drink are poets. 36214Some of us drink because we aren't poets. 36215% 36216Not all who own a harp are harpers. 36217 -- Marcus Terentius Varro 36218% 36219Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't 36220make you live longer -- it just seems that way. 36221% 36222Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to 36223the capitalist mode of production. 36224 -- Herbert Marcuse 36225% 36226Not every question deserves an answer. 36227% 36228Not everything worth doing is worth doing well. 36229% 36230Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the 36231Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats 36232in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the 36233moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a 36234dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every 36235respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside 36236it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms, 36237then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they 36238chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ... 36239 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 36240% 36241Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none. 36242 -- William Shakespeare 36243% 36244Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is 36245ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree. 36246 -- Professor W., EECS, George Washington University 36247 36248I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year. 36249 -- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis 36250% 36251Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad. 36252 -- Rob Pike 36253% 36254Not that we needed all that stuff, but when you get locked into a 36255serious drug collection the tendency is to push it as far as you can. 36256 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" 36257% 36258Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand. 36259 -- Spinoza 36260% 36261Not to mention the fact that most of the good code for PC minix seems 36262to have been written by Bruce Evans. 36263 -- Linus Torvalds, comp.os.minix, Jan. 1992 36264% 36265NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given. 36266All software is supplied as is, without guarantee. The user assumes 36267all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these 36268features, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system 36269abends, disk head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark 36270attack, nerve gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis, 36271local electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure, 36272invasion, hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction 36273surfaces, comic radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive 36274electronic components, windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated 36275chickens, malfunctioning mechanical or electrical sexual devices, 36276premature activation of the distant early warning system, peasant 36277uprisings, halitosis, artillery bombardment, explosions, cave-ins, 36278and/or frogs falling from the sky. 36279% 36280Note: The system panics with a "NULL pointer dereference" message 36281 36282Failed due to: SunOS 5.8 is installed. 36283 -- Output of a SunCheckup run on a Solaris 8 machine 36284% 36285Note to myself: use real bullets next time. 36286% 36287Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter 36288of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund 36289is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman -- 36290unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is 36291careful not to make any poultry jokes ... 36292 -- Woody Allen 36293% 36294Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. 36295 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 36296% 36297Nothing can be done in one trip. 36298 -- Snider 36299% 36300Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. 36301% 36302Nothing endures but change. 36303 -- Heraclitus 36304 [Yeah, yeah, "Everything changes but change itself." --JFK Ed.] 36305% 36306Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a 36307proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it. 36308 -- John Keats 36309% 36310Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result. 36311 -- Winston Churchill 36312 36313Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as 36314satisfying as an income tax refund. 36315 -- F. J. Raymond 36316% 36317Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. 36318% 36319Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses. 36320% 36321Nothing is as simple as it seems at first 36322 Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle 36323 Or as finished as it seems in the end. 36324% 36325Nothing is but what is not. 36326% 36327Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example. 36328% 36329Nothing is faster than the speed of light. 36330 36331To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the 36332light comes on. 36333% 36334Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done. 36335% 36336Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. 36337 -- Andrew Young 36338% 36339Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. 36340 -- A. H. Weiler 36341% 36342Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires 36343tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth. 36344 -- Nero Wolfe 36345% 36346Nothing is more quiet than the sound of hair going grey. 36347% 36348Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature. 36349She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep. 36350 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 36351% 36352Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know. 36353 -- Michel de Montaigne 36354% 36355Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity. 36356 -- Ebner-Eschenbach 36357% 36358Nothing lasts forever. 36359Where do I find nothing? 36360% 36361Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute. 36362% 36363Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner. 36364Conscience makes egotists of us all. 36365 -- Oscar Wilde 36366% 36367Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all. 36368 -- Arthur Balfour 36369% 36370Nothing motivates a man more than to 36371see his boss put in an honest day's work. 36372% 36373Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely 36374repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because 36375the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult 36376which can be offered to a personality. 36377 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855) 36378% 36379Nothing recedes like success. 36380 -- Walter Winchell 36381% 36382Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at 36383which the hearer is permitted to laugh. 36384 -- Quentin Crisp 36385% 36386Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. 36387 -- Mark Twain 36388% 36389Nothing succeeds like success. 36390 -- Alexandre Dumas 36391% 36392Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success. 36393 -- Christopher Lascl 36394% 36395Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. 36396 -- Charlie Brown 36397% 36398Nothing that's forced can ever be right, 36399If it doesn't come naturally, leave it. 36400That's what she said as she turned out the light, 36401And we bent our backs as slaves of the night, 36402Then she lowered her guard and showed me the scars 36403She got from trying to fight 36404Saying, oh, you'd better believe it. 36405[...] 36406Well nothing that's real is ever for free 36407And you just have to pay for it sometime. 36408She said it before, she said it to me, 36409I suppose she believed there was nothing to see, 36410But the same old four imaginary walls 36411She'd built for livin' inside 36412I said oh, you just can't mean it. 36413[...] 36414Well nothing that's forced can ever be right, 36415If it doesn't come naturally, leave it. 36416That's what she said as she turned out the light, 36417And she may have been wrong, and she may have been right, 36418But I woke with the frost, and noticed she'd lost 36419The veil that covered her eyes, 36420I said oh, you can leave it. 36421 -- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It" 36422% 36423Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee. 36424 -- Kin Hubbard 36425% 36426Nothing will ever be attempted 36427if all possible objections must be first overcome. 36428 -- Dr. Johnson 36429% 36430NOTICE: 36431 Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will 36432 be summarily put out. 36433% 36434NOTICE: 36435 36436-- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY -- 36437 36438(The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.) 36439% 36440Nouvelle cuisine, n.: 36441 French for "not enough food". 36442 36443Continental breakfast, n.: 36444 English for "not enough food". 36445 36446Tapas, n.: 36447 Spanish for "not enough food". 36448 36449Dim Sum, n.: 36450 Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life. 36451% 36452November, n.: 36453 The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. 36454 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 36455% 36456Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery: 36457 36458 When comes the revolution, things will be different -- 36459 not better, just different. 36460% 36461Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature. 36462% 36463Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure; 36464Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure. 36465 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan" 36466% 36467Now I lay me back to sleep. 36468The speaker's dull; the subject's deep. 36469If he should stop before I wake, 36470Give me a nudge for goodness' sake. 36471 -- Anonymous 36472% 36473Now I lay me down to sleep 36474I pray the double lock will keep; 36475May no brick through the window break, 36476And, no one rob me till I awake. 36477% 36478Now I lay me down to sleep, 36479I pray the Lord my soul to keep, 36480If I should die before I wake, 36481I'll cry in anguish, "Mistake!! Mistake!!" 36482% 36483Now I lay me down to study, 36484I pray the Lord I won't go nutty. 36485And if I fail to learn this junk, 36486I pray the Lord that I won't flunk. 36487But if I do, don't pity me at all, 36488Just lay my bones in the study hall. 36489Tell my teacher I've done my best, 36490Then pile my books upon my chest. 36491% 36492Now is the time for all good men to come to. 36493 -- Walt Kelly 36494% 36495Now is the time for drinking; 36496now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot. 36497 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 36498% 36499Now it's time to say goodbye 36500To all our company... 36501M-I-C (see you next week!) 36502K-E-Y (Why? Because we LIKE you!) 36503M-O-U-S-E. 36504% 36505Now of my threescore years and ten, 36506Twenty will not come again, 36507And take from seventy springs a score, 36508It leaves me only fifty more. 36509 36510And since to look at things in bloom 36511Fifty springs are little room, 36512About the woodlands I will go 36513To see the cherry hung with snow. 36514 -- A. E. Housman 36515% 36516Now that day wearies me, 36517My yearning desire 36518Will receive more kindly, 36519Like a tired child, the starry night. 36520 36521Hands, leave off your deeds, 36522Mind, forget all thoughts; 36523All of my forces 36524Yearn only to sink into sleep. 36525 36526And my soul, unguarded, 36527Would soar on widespread wings, 36528To live in night's magical sphere 36529More profoundly, more variously. 36530 -- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep" 36531% 36532Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next 36533time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV 36534to plug her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for 36535eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself 36536the following questions: 36537 365381: Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a food? 365392: Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich 36540 exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me? 365413: Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as prescribed... 36542 without French-fried onion rings, pizza with double cheese, or the 36543 occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living right doesn't really make 36544 you live longer, it just *seems* like longer.) 36545 36546That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick. 36547% 36548Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called 36549Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that 36550were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ... 36551 -- "The Begatting of a President" 36552% 36553Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide," 36554or "Murder With Mallets Aforethought." 36555 -- Shelby Friedman, WSJ 36556% 36557Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game: 36558you can win or you can lose or it can rain. 36559 -- Casey Stengel 36560% 36561Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a 36562smurfette. 36563 -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354 36564% 36565Nowlan's Theory: 36566 He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from 36567 the next freeway exit. 36568% 36569Now's the time to have some big ideas 36570Now's the time to make some firm decisions 36571We saw the Buddha in a bar down south 36572Talking politics and nuclear fission 36573We see him and he's all washed up -- 36574Moving on into the body of a beetle 36575Getting ready for a long long crawl 36576He ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all... 36577 36578Death and Money make their point once more 36579In the shape of Philosophical assassins 36580Mark and Danny take the bus uptown 36581Deadly angels for reality and passion 36582Have the courage of the here and now 36583Don't taking nothing from the half-baked buddhas 36584When you think you got it paid in full 36585You got nothing -- you got nothing at all... 36586 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha. 36587 We know his name and he mustn't get away. 36588 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha. 36589 It would take one shot -- to blow him away... 36590 -- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddha" 36591% 36592Nuclear powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years. 36593 -- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation, 36594 manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York 36595 Times, June 10, 1955. 36596% 36597[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable. 36598 -- Edwin Meese III 36599% 36600Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile. 36601 -- Karl Lehenbauer 36602% 36603Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of 36604normal routines, for children and adults alike. 36605 -- Willard F. Libby, "You Can Survive Atomic Attack" 36606% 36607Nuclear war would really set back cable. 36608 -- Ted Turner 36609% 36610Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. 36611% 36612Nuke the unborn gay female whales for Jesus. 36613% 36614Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark. 36615% 36616(null cookie; hope that's ok) 36617% 36618Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit. 36619 -- Seneca 36620% 36621Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're guessing. 36622% 36623Nurse Donna: Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid. 36624Groucho: Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together. 36625Nurse Donna: Do you believe in computer dating? 36626Groucho: Only if the computers really love each other. 36627% 36628Nusbaum's Rule: 36629 The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the 36630 organization. (For instance, the Murphy Center for the 36631 Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted 36632 to IBM, GM, and AT&T.) 36633% 36634O! If I were a fish 36635I'd lay hap'ly on my dish. 36636Yes, that's my one and only wish -- 36637To be a fish! 36638 36639For fish don't ever mish; 36640They needn't flush after they pish! 36641Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish, 36642For all the fish!!! 36643% 36644O give me a home, 36645Where the buffalo roam, 36646Where the deer and the antelope play, 36647Where seldom is heard 36648A discouraging word, 36649'Cause what can an antelope say? 36650% 36651O imitators, you slavish herd! 36652 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 36653% 36654O, it is excellent 36655To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous 36656To use it like a giant. 36657 -- William Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2 36658% 36659O Lord, grant that we may always be right, 36660for Thou knowest we will never change our minds. 36661% 36662O love, could thou and I with fate conspire 36663To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire, 36664Might we not smash it to bits 36665And mould it closer to our hearts' desire? 36666 -- Omar Khayyam, tr. Fitzgerald 36667% 36668Oatmeal raisin. 36669% 36670Objects are lost only because people 36671look where they are not rather than where they are. 36672% 36673O'Brian's Law: 36674 Everything is always done for the wrong reasons. 36675% 36676O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the 36677thumb hidden and the four fingers extended. 36678 "How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?" 36679 "Four." 36680 "And if the Party says that it is not four but five -- 36681 then how many?" 36682 "Four." 36683 The word ended in a gasp of pain. 36684 -- George Orwell 36685% 36686Observe yon plumed biped fine. 36687To activate its captivation, 36688Deposit on its termination, 36689A quantity of particles saline. 36690% 36691Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal. 36692% 36693Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred. 36694 -- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28, 36695 1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view 36696 of the grandstands. 36697% 36698Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide. 36699% 36700OCCAM'S ERASER: 36701 The philosophical principle that even the simplest 36702 solution is bound to have something wrong with it. 36703% 36704Occident, n.: 36705 The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is 36706 largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the 36707 Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, 36708 which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, 36709 are the principal industries of the Orient. 36710 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 36711% 36712OCEAN: 36713 A body of water occupying about two-thirds 36714 of a world made for man -- who has no gills. 36715% 36716Odets, where is thy sting? 36717 -- George S. Kaufman 36718% 36719Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal. 36720% 36721Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this: 36722to know so much and have control over nothing. 36723 -- Herodotus 36724% 36725Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the 36726reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest 36727amount of hot air. 36728 -- Thomas L. Martin 36729% 36730Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. 36731 -- Plato 36732% 36733Of all the words of witch's doom 36734There's none so bad as which and whom. 36735The man who kills both which and whom 36736Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom. 36737 -- Fletcher Knebel 36738% 36739Of all things man is the measure. 36740 -- Protagoras 36741% 36742Of course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only between 36743husband and wife. 36744% 36745Of course it's possible to love a human being 36746if you don't know them too well. 36747 -- Charles Bukowski 36748% 36749Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power 36750tools aren't soluble in alcohol... 36751 -- Crazy Nigel 36752% 36753Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon. 36754After awhile you'd run out of air to push against. 36755% 36756Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose. 36757% 36758Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. 36759And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a blazer. 36760% 36761Office Automation, n.: 36762 The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office 36763 by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee. 36764% 36765Official Project Stages: 36766 1. Uncritical Acceptance 36767 2. Wild Enthusiasm 36768 3. Dejected Disillusionment 36769 4. Total Confusion 36770 5. Search for the Guilty 36771 6. Punishment of the Innocent 36772 7. Promotion of the Non-participants 36773% 36774Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses 36775lampposts -- for support rather than illumination. 36776% 36777Often things ARE as bad as they seem! 36778% 36779Ogden's Law: 36780 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up. 36781% 36782Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home! 36783% 36784Oh, by the way, which one's Pink? 36785 -- Pink Floyd 36786% 36787Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo! 36788% 36789Oh don't the days seem lank and long 36790When all goes right and none goes wrong, 36791And isn't your life extremely flat 36792With nothing whatever to grumble at! 36793% 36794Oh Father, my Father, Oh what must I do? 36795They're burning our streets and beating me blue. 36796"Listen my son, I'll tell you the truth: 36797Get a close haircut and spit-shine your shoes." 36798 36799Oh Mother, my Mother, my confusions remove, 36800I long to embrace her whose hair is so smooth. 36801"Now listen my son, although you're confused, 36802Cut your hair close and shine all your shoes." 36803 36804Oh Teacher, my Teacher, your life with me share. 36805What books ought I read? What thoughts do I dare? 36806"Oh Student, my Student, of dissent you beware. 36807Shine those dull shoes and cut short your hair." 36808 36809Oh Preacher, my Preacher, does God really care? 36810Are all races equal? Are laws just and fair? 36811"Boy -- here's the answer, no need to despair: 36812Shine those new shoes and cut short that hair." 36813% 36814Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me 36815As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee. 36816Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes, 36817And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles, 36818Or I will rend thee in the goblerwarts with my blurglecruncheon, 36819 see if I don't. 36820 -- Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz 36821% 36822Oh, give me a home, 36823Where the buffalo roam, 36824And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen. 36825% 36826Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus 36827 Where the three-body problem is solved, 36828 Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K, 36829 And the cold virus never evolved. (chorus) 36830We eat algae pie, our vacuum is high, 36831 Our ball bearings are perfectly round. 36832 Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed, 36833 And a kilogram weighs half a pound. (chorus) 36834If we run out of space for our burgeoning race 36835 No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch 36836 When we're ready to start, we can take Mars apart, 36837 If we just find a big enough wrench. (chorus) 36838I'm sick of this place, it's just McDonald's in space, 36839 And living up here is a bore. 36840 Tell the shiggies, "Don't cry," they can kiss me goodbye 36841 'Cause I'm moving next week to L4! (chorus) 36842 36843CHORUS: Home, home on LaGrange, 36844 Where the space debris always collects, 36845 We possess, so it seems, two of Man's greatest dreams: 36846 Solar power and zero-gee sex. 36847 -- to Home on the Range 36848% 36849Oh give me your pity! 36850I'm on a committee, We attend and amend 36851Which means that from morning And contend and defend 36852 to night, Without a conclusion in sight. 36853 36854We confer and concur, 36855We defer and demur, We revise the agenda 36856And reiterate all of our thoughts. With frequent addenda 36857 And consider a load of reports. 36858 36859We compose and propose, 36860We suppose and oppose, But though various notions 36861And the points of procedure are fun; Are brought up as motions, 36862 There's terribly little gets done. 36863 36864We resolve and absolve; 36865But we never dissolve, 36866Since it's out of the question for us 36867To bring our committee 36868To end like this ditty, 36869Which stops with a period, thus. 36870 -- Leslie Lipson, "The Committee" 36871% 36872"Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the 36873dog] is good for almost every kind of game. He went duck hunting one time 36874and did real well at it. Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but, 36875you know, farm ducks. And it got Don Carlos all mixed up. Since the 36876ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he 36877wasn't supposed to kill them, but he had to do something. So one morning 36878last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and 36879buried them." "What do you mean, buried them?" "Oh, he didn't hurt them. 36880He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth 36881and put them in the holes. Then he covered them up with mud except for 36882their heads. He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for 36883another one when Tony found him. We talked about it for a long time. Papa 36884said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't 36885know how to build a cage he put them in holes. He's a smart dog." 36886 -- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning" 36887% 36888Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay 36889 I muck with indices and structs all day 36890And when it works, I shout hoo-ray 36891 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay 36892% 36893Oh, I could while away the hours, 36894Smoking herbs and flowers, 36895Shooting up my veins, 36896 De-dum, De-dum, De-dum 36897Tell you, I've been a-thinkin' 36898I could drive a shiny Lincoln, 36899If I dealt in good cocaine. 36900 -- To "If I Only Had A Brain" from "The Wizard of Oz" 36901% 36902Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd 36903be irresponsible, too. 36904 -- Lichty & Wagner 36905% 36906Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth, 36907And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings; 36908Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth 36909Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things 36910You have not dreamed of -- 36911Wheeled and soared and swung 36912High in the sunlit silence. 36913Hovering there 36914I've chased the shouting wind along and flung 36915My eager craft through footless halls of air. 36916Up, up along delirious, burning blue 36917I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace, 36918Where never lark, or even eagle flew; 36919And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod 36920The high untrespassed sanctity of space, 36921Put out my hand, and touched the face of God. 36922 -- John Gillespie Magee, Jr., "High Flight" 36923% 36924Oh I'm just a typical American boy 36925From a typical American town. 36926I believe in God and Senator Dodd 36927And keeping old Castro down. 36928And when it came my time to serve 36929I knew "Better Dead Than Red", 36930But when I got to my old draft board, 36931Buddy, this is what I said: 36932 36933Chorus: 36934 Sarge, I'm only eighteen, I've got a ruptured spleen, 36935 And I always carry a purse! 36936 I've got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat, 36937 And my asthma's getting worse! 36938 Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear, 36939 And my poor old invalid aunt! 36940 Besides I ain't no fool, I'm a-going to school 36941 And I'm a-working in a defense plant! 36942 -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag" 36943% 36944Oh Lord, won't you buy me a 4BSD? 36945My friends all got sources, so why can't I see? 36946Come all you moby hackers, come sing it out with me: 36947To hell with the lawyers from AT&T! 36948% 36949Oh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one 36950arch-enemy -- and that is life. 36951 -- Jean Anouilh, "Ardele" 36952% 36953Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts -- 36954it's what you do with what you have left. 36955 -- Hubert H. Humphrey 36956% 36957Oh no my dear, I'm a very good man. I'm just a very bad wizard. 36958 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz" 36959% 36960Oh, so there you are! 36961% 36962Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea. 36963He may catch all the others, but he won't catch me. 36964No, he won't catch me, stupid ol' Slithery Dee. 36965He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! 36966 -- The Smothers Brothers 36967% 36968Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is. 36969 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus 36970% 36971Oh wad some power the giftie gie us 36972To see oursel's as others see us! 36973It wad frae monie a blunder free us, 36974And foolish notion. 36975 -- Robert Burns, National Poet of Scotland, 1759-1796 36976% 36977Oh wearisome condition of humanity! 36978Born under one law, to another bound. 36979 -- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke 36980% 36981Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. 36982% 36983Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive. 36984 -- William Shakespeare 36985% 36986Oh, when I was in love with you, 36987 Then I was clean and brave, 36988And miles around the wonder grew 36989 How well did I behave. 36990 36991And now the fancy passes by, 36992 And nothing will remain, 36993And miles around they'll say that I 36994 Am quite myself again. 36995 -- A. E. Housman 36996% 36997Oh, wow! Look at the moon! 36998% 36999Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me "Johnson"! Well, you can call me "Ray", or 37000you can call me "Jay", or you can call me "R. J.", or you can call me "Ray 37001J.", or you can call me "R. J. J.", or you can call me "Ray J. Johnson", or 37002you can call me "R. J. Johnson", but ya DOESN'T have to call me "Johnson" ... 37003% 37004Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone. 37005 -- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane" 37006% 37007O.K., fine. 37008% 37009Ok, note to all reading this: if I ask for information and you don't 37010have the information available, don't bother sending me an e-mail 37011just to tell me that you don't have the information available. Wait 37012until you do have the information available, and then e-mail me. You'll 37013save precious time and electrons. 37014 -- Bill Paul 37015% 37016OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard. 37017 -- Dr. Joy 37018% 37019OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything. 37020% 37021Okay, Okay -- I admit it. You didn't change that program that worked 37022just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the 37023executable. Please forgive me. You can recover the file by typing in 37024the code over again, since I also removed the source. 37025% 37026Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill. 37027% 37028Old age is always fifteen years older than I am. 37029 -- Bernard Baruch 37030% 37031Old age is the harbor of all ills. 37032 -- Bion 37033% 37034Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. 37035 -- Trotsky 37036% 37037Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity. 37038% 37039Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on. 37040% 37041Old Japanese proverb: 37042 There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji, 37043and those who climb it twice. 37044% 37045Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement. 37046% 37047Old mail has arrived. 37048% 37049Old men are fond of giving good advice to console themselves for being 37050no longer in a position to give bad examples. 37051 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims" 37052% 37053Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard 37054To fetch her poor daughter a dress. 37055When she got there, the cupboard was bare 37056And so was her daughter, I guess... 37057% 37058Old musicians never die, they just decompose. 37059% 37060Old programmers never die, they just become managers. 37061% 37062Old programmers never die, they just branch to a new address. 37063% 37064Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit. 37065% 37066Old soldiers never die. Young ones do. 37067% 37068Old timer, n.: 37069 One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization. 37070% 37071Olivier's Law: 37072 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 37073% 37074Omnibiblious, adj.: 37075 Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything. 37076 I'm omnibiblious." 37077% 37078OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need four GALLONS of 37079JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th' WRENCH in the JELL-O 37080as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... or ... I ... um ... 37081WHERE'S the WASHING MACHINES? 37082% 37083On a clear day, U.C.L.A. 37084% 37085On a clear disk you can seek forever. 37086 -- P. Denning 37087% 37088On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague: 37089 37090This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. 37091 -- Wolfgang Pauli 37092% 37093On a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on 37094a surtout peur de souffrir ou de faire souffrir. 37095 37096[One is always a little afraid of love, but 37097above all, one is afraid of pain or causing pain.] 37098% 37099On ability: 37100 A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top; 37101 a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well. 37102 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD 37103% 37104On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only 37105nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter 37106what it does. 37107 -- Will Rogers 37108% 37109On his way back from work, a driver came upon a horrible wreck in which one 37110car looked exactly like his neighbor's. Stopping hurriedly on the side of 37111the road, he ran toward the smoldering debris. 37112 "Listen, mister," a policeman said, holding him back, "I can't let 37113you come any closer." 37114 "But that may be my friend, Henry, in there," the anguished man 37115explained. 37116 "OK, but it's pretty grisly," the cop cautioned. "There was a 37117decapitation." 37118 The policeman reached into the back seat of the demolished car and 37119pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length. "Is this your friend?" 37120 "That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said. "Henry's much 37121taller." 37122% 37123On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are 37124created jerks. 37125 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" 37126% 37127On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the 37128same moment -- halftime. 37129% 37130On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN. 37131% 37132On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little 37133girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and 37134Keith and Kim," she said. As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh, 37135and God, this is goodbye. We're moving to Hollywood." 37136% 37137On the subject of C program indentation: 37138 37139 "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be 37140 indented six feet downward and covered with dirt." 37141 -- Blair P. Houghton 37142% 37143On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia. 37144 -- W. C. Fields' epitaph 37145% 37146On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], "Pray, Mr. 37147Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right answers 37148come out?" I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of confusion of 37149ideas that could provoke such a question. 37150 -- Charles Babbage 37151% 37152Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were 37153forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. 37154 -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee" 37155% 37156Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled. 37157 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 37158% 37159Once, adv.: 37160 Enough. 37161 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 37162% 37163Once again dread deed is done. 37164Canon sleeps, 37165his all-knowing eye shaded 37166to human chance and circumstance. 37167Peace reigns anew o'er Pine Valley, 37168but Canon's sleep is troubled. 37169 37170Beware, scant days past the Ides of July. 37171Impatient hands wait eagerly 37172to grasp, to hold 37173scant moments of time 37174wrested from life in the full 37175glory of Canon's power; 37176held captive by his unblinking eye. 37177 37178Three golden orbs stand watch; 37179one each to toll the day, hour, minute 37180until predestiny decrees his reawakening. 37181When that feared moment arrives, 37182"Ask not for whom the bell tolls, 37183It tolls for thee." 37184 -- "I extended the loan on your Camera, at the Pine 37185 Valley Pawn Shop today" 37186% 37187Once Again From the Top 37188 37189Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously 37190reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman 37191in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and 37192lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular 37193homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that 37194he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on 37195George Wilson. Each of these items was erroneous material published 37196inadvertently. He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the 37197lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with 37198vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson. 37199The Herald regrets the errors." 37200 -- "The Progressive", March, 1987 37201% 37202Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that 37203each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his 37204choice. 37205 37206In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians 37207called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukkah" 37208and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People 37209passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy 37210Hanukkah!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!" 37211 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 37212% 37213Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, 37214Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". 37215Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your 37216principals or your mistress". 37217% 37218Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it. 37219 -- Homer 37220% 37221Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his 37222roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the 37223forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind 37224the railroad yards." 37225 -- H. L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan, 37226 counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution 37227 law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925. 37228% 37229Once I finally figured out all of life's 37230answers, they changed the questions. 37231% 37232Once, I read that a man be never stronger 37233than when he truly realizes how weak he is. 37234 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31" 37235% 37236Once is happenstance, 37237Twice is coincidence, 37238Three times is enemy action. 37239 -- Auric Goldfinger 37240% 37241Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to 37242sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer. 37243% 37244Once Law was sitting on the bench 37245 And Mercy knelt a-weeping. 37246"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! 37247 Nor come before me creeping. 37248Upon your knees if you appear, 37249'Tis plain you have no standing here." 37250 37251Then Justice came. His Honor cried: 37252 "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!" 37253"Amica curiae," she replied -- 37254 "Friend of the court, so please you." 37255"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door -- 37256I never saw your face before!" 37257 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 37258% 37259Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human 37260beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by 37261side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them 37262which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the sky. 37263 -- Rainer Rilke 37264% 37265Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in. 37266 -- H. R. Haldeman 37267% 37268Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail, 37269And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail, 37270And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool, 37271He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!) 37272And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat, 37273He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat, 37274And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout! 37275 And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out! 37276And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog, 37277And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god, 37278The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed, 37279But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed! 37280Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace, 37281And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste, 37282But all they ever found was this: "panic: never doubt", 37283 And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out! 37284When the day is done and the moon comes out, 37285And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count, 37286When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey, 37287And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay, 37288You must mind the file protections and not snoop around, 37289 Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down! 37290% 37291Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem. You see, during 37292a portion of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin 37293parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around. So, 37294to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the 37295end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the 37296page of the score before the bass cue. As the basses grew more and more 37297inebriated, two of them fell asleep. The conductor grew quite nervous (he 37298was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth; 37299the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out. 37300% 37301Once upon a time there... 37302% 37303Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear. The peasants 37304were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was 37305to become a Royal Knight. This required an interview with the bear. If 37306the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot. If not, the bear would 37307just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw. However, the family 37308of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful 37309sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable 37310possession. And the moral of the story is: 37311 37312The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that 37313hit you. 37314% 37315Once upon this midnight incoherent, 37316While you pondered sentient and crystalline, 37317Over many a broken and subordinate 37318Volume of gnarly lore, 37319While I pestered, nearly singing, 37320Suddenly there came a hewing, 37321As of someone profusely skulking, 37322Skulking at my chamber door. 37323% 37324Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all. 37325% 37326Once you've tried to change the world you find 37327it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind. 37328% 37329One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least 37330somebody's listening. 37331 -- Franklin P. Jones 37332% 37333"One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket". 37334% 37335"One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative." 37336 37337Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this. 37338The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame. 37339 -- Chuq Von Rospach 37340% 37341One Bell System - it sometimes works. 37342% 37343One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension! 37344% 37345One Bell System - it works. 37346% 37347One big pile is better than two little piles. 37348 -- Arlo Guthrie 37349% 37350One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar. 37351 -- Helen Keller 37352% 37353One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the 37354mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God. 37355 -- J. Gustav White 37356% 37357One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing 37358how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette. 37359 -- Professor Charles P. Issawi 37360% 37361One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means. 37362% 37363One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast 37364to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists, 37365a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also 37366just stupid. 37367 -- J. D. Watson, "The Double Helix" 37368% 37369One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his 37370attic. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in a cloud of 37371smoke. 37372 "Greetings, Mortal!" exclaims the genie, stretching and yawning, "For 37373releasing me I will grant you three wishes." 37374 The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I want Genghis Khan 37375resurrected. I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish 37376border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home." 37377 "No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?" 37378 "Hmmmm. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite the 37379Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade, 37380and march back home." 37381 "But... well, all right! Your third wish?" 37382 "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his ---" 37383 "OKOKOKOK! Right. Got it. Why do you want Genghis Khan to march 37384to Poland three times and never invade?" 37385 The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times." 37386% 37387One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell the 37388truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald announced, 37389"Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to a question 37390which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The captain of the 37391guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth -- the alternative 37392is death by hanging." 37393 "I am going," said Nasrudin, "to be hanged on that gallows." 37394 "I don't believe you." 37395 "Very well, if I have told a lie, then hang me!" 37396 "But that would make it the truth!" 37397 "Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth." 37398% 37399One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and 37400decides to do something about it. He calls up his best friend, who is a 37401mathematical genius. "Look," he says, "do you suppose you could find some 37402way mathematically of guaranteeing winning at the race track? We could 37403make a lot of money and retire and enjoy life." The mathematician thinks 37404this over a bit and walks away mumbling to himself. 37405 A week later his friend drops by to ask the genius if he's had any 37406success. The genius, looking a little bleary-eyed, replies, "Well, yes, 37407actually I do have an idea, and I'm reasonably sure that it will work, but 37408there a number of details to be figured out. 37409 After the second week the mathematician appears at his friend's house, 37410looking quite a bit rumpled, and announces, "I think I've got it! I still have 37411some of the theory to work out, but now I'm certain that I'm on the right 37412track." 37413 At the end of the third week the mathematician wakes his friend by 37414pounding on his door at three in the morning. He has dark circles under his 37415eyes. His hair hasn't been combed for many days. He appears to be wearing 37416the same clothes as the last time. He has several pencils sticking out from 37417behind his ears and an almost maniacal expression on his face. "WE CAN DO 37418IT! WE CAN DO IT!!" he shrieks. "I have discovered the perfect solution!! 37419And it's so EASY! First, we assume that horses are perfect spheres in simple 37420harmonic motion..." 37421% 37422One day, 37423A mad meta-poet, 37424With nothing to say, 37425Wrote a mad meta-poem 37426That started: "One day, 37427A mad meta-poet, 37428With nothing to say, 37429Wrote a mad meta-poem 37430That started: "One day, 37431[...] 37432sort of close". 37433Were the words that the poet, 37434Finally chose, 37435To bring his mad poem, 37436To some sort of close". 37437Were the words that the poet, 37438Finally chose, 37439To bring his mad poem, 37440To some sort of close". 37441% 37442One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet 37443when well oiled. 37444% 37445One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you. 37446 -- Larry Gelbart 37447% 37448One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick 37449Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car 37450conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company. While they were discussing the 37451merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent. Malone turns around to see 37452his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar. 37453 Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her 37454full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has 37455been havin' all these years." 37456 Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary 37457Malone. He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye. The bar is 37458totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the 37459drink. She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and 37460passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact 37461with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty. 37462 Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her 37463head. Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these 37464years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself." 37465% 37466One expresses well the love he does not feel. 37467 -- J. A. Karr 37468% 37469One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it. 37470% 37471One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters. 37472 -- George Herbert 37473% 37474One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible. 37475Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought, 37476a rivalry of aim. 37477 -- Henry Brook Adams 37478% 37479One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus. 37480 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon" 37481% 37482One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they 37483never have to stop and answer the phone. 37484% 37485One good suit is worth a thousand resumes. 37486% 37487One good thing about music, 37488Well, it helps you feel no pain. 37489So hit me with music; 37490Hit me with music now. 37491 -- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock" 37492% 37493One good turn asketh another. 37494 -- John Heywood 37495% 37496One good turn deserves another. 37497 -- Gaius Petronius 37498% 37499One good turn usually gets most of the blanket. 37500% 37501One has to look out for engineers -- they begin with sewing machines 37502and end up with the atomic bomb. 37503 -- Marcel Pagnol 37504% 37505One hundred women are not worth a single testicle. 37506 -- Confucius 37507% 37508One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious. 37509 -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848) 37510% 37511One is often kept in the right road by a rut. 37512 -- Gustave Droz 37513% 37514One learns to itch where one can scratch. 37515 -- Ernest Bramah 37516% 37517ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in 37518ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES. 37519% 37520One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true. 37521% 37522One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as 37523one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will 37524produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to 37525represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as 37526many ... 37527 -- Anthony Chevins 37528% 37529One man's constant is another man's variable. 37530 -- Alan J. Perlis 37531% 37532One man's folly is another man's wife. 37533 -- Helen Rowland 37534% 37535One man's "magic" is another man's engineering. 37536"Supernatural" is a null word. 37537% 37538One man's Mede is another man's Persian. 37539 -- George M. Cohan 37540% 37541One man's theology is another man's belly laugh. 37542% 37543One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends 37544can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention. 37545 -- Clifton Fadiman 37546% 37547One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it. 37548% 37549One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How 37550will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net, 37551I'll tell you." 37552% 37553One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell by Dickens 37554without laughing. 37555 -- Oscar Wilde 37556% 37557One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 37558% 37559One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day. 37560% 37561One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible from 37562one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at least 70 37563percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts are, of course, 37564simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good, 37565nobody can touch him. 37566 -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan. 1983 37567% 37568One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an 37569advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from 37570mathematics. 37571 -- N. Wiener 37572% 37573One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old 37574enough to give you presents they make at school. 37575 -- Robert Byrne 37576% 37577One of the large consolations for experiencing anything 37578unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it. 37579 -- Joyce Carol Oates 37580% 37581One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to 37582do and always a clever thing to say. 37583 -- Will Durant 37584% 37585One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with 37586Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just 37587to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't 37588be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending 37589to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't 37590understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was 37591renowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the 37592time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be 37593puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be 37594genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about. 37595 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 37596% 37597One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is... If they do 37598foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little. 37599 -- Joe Martin 37600% 37601One of the most striking differences between a 37602cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. 37603 -- Mark Twain 37604% 37605One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God 37606create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "________somebody has to buy 37607retail." 37608 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 37609% 37610One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they 37611need no answer. 37612 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron 37613% 37614One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your 37615seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best 37616way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who 37617fainted in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become 37618disoriented and imagine they were in Topeka, Kansas. 37619% 37620One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he 37621once had a publisher shot. 37622 -- Siegfried Unseld 37623% 37624One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself. 37625% 37626One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a 37627thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with 37628the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing 37629hymns. The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and 37630laughed. "You will not succeed," they told him. "No one can." 37631 To which the thief replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might 37632happen in that time. The king might die. The horse might die. I might die. 37633And perhaps the horse will learn to sing. 37634 -- "The Mote in God's Eye", Niven and Pournelle 37635% 37636One organism, one vote. 37637% 37638One person's error is another person's data. 37639% 37640One picture is worth 128K words. 37641% 37642One picture is worth more than ten thousand words. 37643 -- Chinese proverb 37644% 37645One pill makes you larger And if you go chasing rabbits 37646And, one pill makes you small. And you know you're going to fall. 37647And the ones that mother gives you, Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar 37648Don't do anything at all. Has given you the call. 37649Go ask Alice Call Alice 37650When she's ten feet tall. When she was just small. 37651 37652When men on the chessboard When logic and proportion 37653Get up and tell you where to go. Have fallen sloppy dead, 37654And you've just had some kind of And the White Knight is talking 37655 mushroom backwards 37656And your mind is moving low. And the Red Queen's lost her head 37657Go ask Alice Remember what the dormouse said: 37658I think she'll know. Feed your head. 37659 Feed your head. 37660 Feed your head. 37661 -- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit" 37662% 37663One planet is all you get. 37664% 37665One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan 37666is that there never was a plan in the first place. 37667% 37668One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could 37669manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that 37670they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's 37671say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding 37672study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by 37673sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, 37674strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus 37675rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also 37676be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr. 37677Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle 37678Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save 37679millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently 37680support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that 37681your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members 37682of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are 37683already too large to fit on normal aircraft. 37684 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" 37685% 37686One reason why George Washington 37687Is held in such veneration: 37688He never blamed his problems 37689On the former Administration. 37690 -- George O. Ludcke 37691% 37692One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not there 37693should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los Angeles 37694to San Diego. We passed several state beaches, some crowded and some 37695virtually empty. They had the same facilities, and in some cases the crowded 37696and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other. Obviously 37697many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more beaches that 37698people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded together on one beach 37699is a ridiculous waste of our natural resources and our taxes. 37700 -- Ronald Reagan 37701% 37702One seldom sees a monument to a committee. 37703% 37704One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry. 37705 -- Oscar Wilde 37706% 37707ONE SIZE FITS ALL: 37708 Doesn't fit anyone. 37709% 37710One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind. 37711% 37712One thing about the past. 37713It's likely to last. 37714 -- Ogden Nash 37715% 37716ONE THING KIDS LIKE is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take 37717my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burned-out 37718warehouse. "Oh, oh," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and 37719cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. 37720 37721I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty 37722late. 37723 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 37724% 37725One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh 37726paint. 37727% 37728One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that 37729sometimes you must work under adverse conditions ... like a state of 37730sheer terror. 37731 -- W. K. Hartmann 37732% 37733One thought driven home is better than three left on base. 37734% 37735One time the police stopped me for speeding. They said, "Don't you know the 37736speed limit is fifty-five miles an hour?" I said, "Yeah, I know, but I wasn't 37737going to be out that long." 37738 -- Steven Wright 37739% 37740One toke over the line, sweet Mary, 37741One toke over the line, 37742Sittin' downtown in a railway station, 37743One toke over the line. 37744Waitin' for the train that goes home, 37745Hopin' that the train is on time, 37746Sittin' downtown in a railway station, 37747One toke over the line. 37748% 37749One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a 37750new model. 37751% 37752One way to stop a run away horse is to bet on him. 37753% 37754One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned at 37755the stake while the votes were being counted. 37756 -- Thomas B. Reed 37757% 37758One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so, 37759because they bite. 37760 -- Vladimir Lenin 37761% 37762One-Shot Case Study, n.: 37763 The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which 37764 it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes green. 37765% 37766On-line, adj.: 37767 The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a 37768 computer. 37769% 37770Only a fool has no doubts. 37771% 37772Only a mediocre person is always at his best. 37773 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter 37774% 37775Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps. 37776% 37777Only fools are quoted. 37778 -- Anonymous 37779% 37780Only God can make random selections. 37781% 37782Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse. 37783 -- Oscar Wilde 37784 37785Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style. 37786 -- The Unnamed Usenetter 37787% 37788Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four 37789essential food groups -- alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. 37790 -- Alex Levine 37791 37792[Oh come on, everybody knows that the four basic food groups are 37793hot sugar, cold sugar, carbohydrates and grease. Ed.] 37794% 37795Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right 37796to use the editorial "we". 37797% 37798Only someone with nothing to be sorry for 37799smiles back at the rear of an elephant. 37800% 37801Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying. 37802 -- Baba Ram Dass 37803% 37804Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by 37805placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer," 37806and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn 37807food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours 37808unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS 37809and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a 37810modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power 37811that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations. Hail, 37812postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of 37813the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum. The force is with you -- at 110 volts. 37814May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply. 37815 -- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83 37816% 37817Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core. 37818 -- Hannah Arendt 37819% 37820Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are 37821busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely. 37822 -- Lao Tsu 37823% 37824Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer. 37825% 37826Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women. 37827% 37828Only two kinds of witnesses exist. The first live in a neighborhood where 37829a crime has been committed and in no circumstances have ever seen anything 37830or even heard a shot. The second category are the neighbors of anyone who 37831happens to be accused of the crime. These have always looked out of their 37832windows when the shot was fired, and have noticed the accused person standing 37833peacefully on his balcony a few yards away. 37834 -- Sicilian police officer 37835% 37836Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one 37837of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him. 37838% 37839Only way to open lips of pigeon, sledgehammer. 37840% 37841Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny. 37842% 37843Onward through the fog. 37844% 37845Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am. 37846% 37847Opiates are the religion of the upper-middle classes. 37848 -- Debbie VanDam 37849% 37850Opium is very cheap considering you don't 37851feel like eating for the next six days. 37852 -- Taylor Mead, famous transvestite 37853% 37854Oppernockity tunes but once. 37855% 37856Opportunities are usually disguised as hard 37857work, so most people don't recognize them. 37858% 37859Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the weirdest people to 37860talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic minority, 37861crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love 37862them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey." 37863% 37864Optimism is the content of small men in high places. 37865 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up" 37866% 37867Optimism, n.: 37868The belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good, bad, 37869and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by 37870those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most acceptably expounded 37871with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible 37872to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment 37873but death. It is hereditary, but not contagious. 37874% 37875Optimist, n.: 37876 A bagpiper with a beeper. 37877% 37878Optimist, n.: 37879 A proponent of the belief that black is white. 37880 37881 A pessimist asked God for relief. 37882 "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God. 37883 "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that 37884would justify them." 37885 "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked 37886something -- the mortality of the optimist." 37887 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 37888% 37889Optimist, n.: 37890 Someone who goes down to the marriage 37891 bureau to see if his license has expired. 37892% 37893Optimization hinders evolution. 37894% 37895Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail. 37896 -- Germaine Greer 37897% 37898Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup). 37899% 37900Order and simplification are the first steps toward 37901mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown. 37902 -- Thomas Mann 37903% 37904Oregano, n.: 37905 The ancient Italian art of pizza folding. 37906% 37907Oregon, n.: 37908 Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday 37909night. 37910% 37911O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen: 37912Cleanliness is next to impossible 37913% 37914Oreo 37915% 37916Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. 37917Biochemistry is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. 37918 -- Mike Adams 37919% 37920Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born 37921to people you could not have possibly met. 37922 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 37923% 37924Osborn's Law: 37925 Variables won't; constants aren't. 37926% 37927Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play? 37928% 37929Other women cloy 37930The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry 37931Where most she satisfies. 37932 -- Antony and Cleopatra 37933% 37934Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently. 37935% 37936Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails. 37937% 37938O'Toole's commentary on Murphy's Law: 37939 Murphy was an optimist. 37940% 37941Ouch! That felt good! 37942 -- Karen Gordon 37943% 37944"Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big 37945system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'" 37946 37947"TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make 37948any difference if it takes a while to fix it." 37949 -- Ken Olsen, in Digital News, 1988 37950% 37951Our business in life is not to succeed 37952but to continue to fail in high spirits. 37953 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 37954% 37955Our congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of the 37956local Army National Guard base. He recently received a substantial cash 37957award from our government for inventing a device for optical scanning. 37958His device reportedly will save the government more than $6 million a year 37959by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own, 37960home-made, hand-held model. 37961 37962Not surprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit 37963to the Pentagon free of charge: 37964 37965 a. Don't kill anybody. 37966 b. Don't build things that do. 37967 c. And don't pay other people to kill anybody. 37968 37969We expect annual savings to be in the billions. 37970 -- Sojourners 37971% 37972Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is 37973they charge fifteen cents for them. 37974% 37975Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the 37976office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we 37977were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of 37978juice. But only *__he* had a lollipop. 37979 37980He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?" 37981 37982Her reply: 37983 37984 "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it 37985 means to be a programmer." 37986% 37987Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in 37988a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave 37989national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to 37990gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the 37991exorbitant sums demanded. Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem 37992never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real. 37993 -- General Douglas MacArthur (1957) 37994% 37995Our houseplants have a good sense of humous. 37996% 37997Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide. 37998 -- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte 37999% 38000Our little systems have their day; 38001They have their day and cease to be; 38002They are but broken lights of thee. 38003 -- Tennyson 38004% 38005Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name. 38006Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, 38007In kernel as it is in user. 38008% 38009Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us 38010to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the 38011rain, we were punished. 38012 -- Nancy Ellis (George Bush's sister), in the New Republic 38013% 38014Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. 38015 -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president, Litton Industries 38016% 38017Our problems are so serious that the best 38018way to talk about them is lightheartedly. 38019% 38020Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'. 38021We their sons are more worthless than they: 38022so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt. 38023 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 38024% 38025Our swords shall play the orators for us. 38026 -- Christopher Marlowe 38027% 38028Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding, 38029In all of the directions it can whiz; 38030As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know, 38031Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is. 38032So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure, 38033How amazingly unlikely is your birth; 38034And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space, 38035'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth! 38036 -- Monty Python 38037% 38038Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it. 38039 -- Alex Schure 38040% 38041Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. 38042 -- General Omar N. Bradley 38043% 38044Ours is a world where people don't know what they 38045want and are willing to go through hell to get it. 38046% 38047Out of sight is out of mind. 38048 -- Arthur Clough 38049% 38050Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made. 38051 -- Immanuel Kant 38052% 38053Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal. 38054% 38055Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog, 38056it's too dark to read. 38057 -- Groucho Marx 38058% 38059Over the shoulder supervision is more a 38060need of the manager than the programming task. 38061% 38062Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now 38063I can remember things that *have* happened before ... 38064% 38065Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two 38066complementary directions: to reduce the number of software errors through 38067rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the remaining 38068errors by providing for recovery from them. An interesting footnote to this 38069design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be the 38070result of two program errors: the first, in the program that started the 38071problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the 38072system. 38073 -- A. L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual 38074 Storage Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2 38075 Concepts and Philosophies," 38076 IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12, No. 4. 38077% 38078Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game will 38079continue on its normal course; when we fail to provide for an unusually 38080powerful resource -- a check, a sacrifice, a stalemate. Afterwards the 38081victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking 38082move?' 38083 -- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course" 38084% 38085Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! 38086% 38087Overflow on /dev/null: please empty the bit bucket. 38088% 38089Overheard: 38090 "How do I feel? Great! And I kiss pretty good, too!" 38091% 38092Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated. 38093% 38094Owe no man any thing... 38095 -- Romans 13:8 38096% 38097Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in 38098concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to the 38099oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very 38100much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.). In higher 38101concentrations, e.g. 20%, the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it 38102takes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place. The reason 38103for the delay is the difference in the mechanism of the toxic effect of 38104oxygen in 20% concentration. It apparently contributes to a complex 38105process called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is 38106always fatal. 38107 38108However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is in the 38109fact it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is 38110sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any 38111considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with 38112symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning. 38113 38114Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All of the fires that were reported in 38115the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be 38116due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings 38117in question. 38118 38119Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and 38120tasteless, so that its presence can not be readily detected until it is 38121too late. 38122 -- Chemical & Engineering News February 6, 1956 38123% 38124Ozman's Laws: 38125 (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he won't. 38126 (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they make. 38127 (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 38128 (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth. 38129% 38130paak, n: A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a 38131 vehicle) for a time in a certain location. 38132patato, n: The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant. 38133Septemba, n: The 9th month of the year. 38134shua, n: Having no doubt; certain. 38135sista, n: A female having the same mother and father as the speaker. 38136tamato, n: A fleshy, smooth-skinned reddish fruit eaten in salads 38137 or as a vegetable. 38138troopa, n: A state policeman. 38139Wista, n: A city in central Masschewsetts. 38140yaad, n: A tract of ground adjacent to a building. 38141 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary 38142% 38143PAIN: 38144 Falling out of a twenty story building, 38145 and snagging your eyelid on a nail. 38146% 38147PAIN: 38148 One thing, at least it proves that you're alive! 38149% 38150PAIN: 38151 Sliding down a 50-foot razor blade into a bucket of alcohol. 38152% 38153Pain is just God's way of hurting you. 38154% 38155Painting, n.: 38156 The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and 38157 exposing them to the critic. 38158 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 38159% 38160Pandora's Rule: 38161 Never open a box you didn't close. 38162% 38163panic: can't find / 38164% 38165panic: kernel segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding) 38166% 38167panic: kernel trap (ignored) 38168% 38169Paprika Measure: 38170 38171 2 dashes == 1 smidgen 38172 2 smidgens == 1 pinch 38173 3 pinches == 1 soupcon 38174 2 soupcons == too much paprika 38175% 38176Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much 38177better. 38178 -- Laurie Anderson 38179% 38180Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them. 38181% 38182Paralysis through analysis. 38183% 38184PARANOIA: 38185 A healthy understanding of the way the universe works. 38186% 38187Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you. 38188% 38189Paranoia is heightened awareness. 38190% 38191Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life. 38192% 38193Paranoid Club meeting this Friday. 38194Now ... just try to find out where! 38195% 38196Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one. 38197% 38198Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to 38199criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. 38200 -- D. J. Hicks 38201% 38202Pardon me while I laugh. 38203% 38204Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction. 38205% 38206Pardo's First Postulate: 38207 Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or 38208fattening. 38209 38210Arnold's Addendum: 38211 Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats. 38212% 38213Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they 38214didn't have much of anything to do with it. 38215% 38216Parker's Law: 38217 Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. 38218% 38219Parkinson's Fifth Law: 38220 If there is a way to delay an important decision, the good 38221 bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. 38222% 38223Parkinson's Fourth Law: 38224 The number of people in any working group tends to increase 38225 regardless of the amount of work to be done. 38226% 38227Parsley is gharsley. 38228 -- Ogden Nash 38229% 38230Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. 38231% 38232PARTY: 38233 A gathering where you meet people who drink 38234 so much you can't even remember their names. 38235% 38236Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty. 38237 -- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan 38238% 38239Pascal is not a high-level language. 38240 -- Steven Feiner 38241% 38242Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat. 38243 -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340 38244% 38245Pascal, n.: 38246 A programming language named after a man who would turn over 38247 in his grave if he knew about it. 38248 -- Datamation, January 15, 1984 38249% 38250Pascal Users: 38251 The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol. 38252 Please modify your programs accordingly. 38253% 38254Pascal Users: 38255 To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the 38256 death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed. 38257% 38258Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. 38259 -- Eric Hoffer 38260% 38261Password: 38262% 38263Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity. 38264% 38265Paster Crosstalk: What items are specifically mentioned by GOD as being 38266 unclean? Now did you know... preying birds... praying mantises... 38267 All birds of prey, all carrion eaters, fish eaters -- no good, can't 38268 eat those. Nothing that does not have both fins and scales. Most 38269 CREEPING things... 38270Alvarado: How 'bout caterpillars? 38271P: A caterpillar doesn't have a backbone. Nothing without a backbone 38272 can get in. 38273A: How do you know? You char a caterpillar, it gets real stiff! 38274P: Well, I don't think that the Lord meant us to eat CHARRED 38275 CATERPILLARS! 38276[...] 38277P: The hog, the squirrel... little squirrels. Who would want to eat 38278 a LITTLE SQUIRREL? 38279A: If you're starving. If you're starving in the park one day. 38280P: You'd probably just CHAR 'em to get 'em stiff, wouldn't ya? 38281A: No, you SINGE 'em. You SINGE 'em and eat 'em. *I* read about the 38282 Donner Pass, I know what man does when he's hungry. 38283P: Squirrels eating squirrels -- my GOD, that's sick! 38284A: That's sick, SURE. But a MAN eating a squirrel -- that's (heh, heh) 38285 par for the course, Charlie. 38286 -- The Firesign Theatre 38287% 38288Patageometry, n.: 38289 The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant 38290under brain transplants. 38291% 38292Patch griefs with proverbs. 38293 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing" 38294% 38295Patent, v.: 38296 A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them. 38297% 38298"Pathetic," he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic." 38299(crosses stream) 38300"As I thought," he said, "no better from *this* side." 38301 -- Eeyore 38302% 38303Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue. 38304 -- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers 38305% 38306Patience is long forgotten by convenience in this life. 38307 -- Carmen Caicedo Giraudy 38308% 38309Patience is the best remedy for every trouble. 38310 -- Titus Maccius Plautus 38311% 38312Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel. 38313 -- S. Johnson, "The Life of Samuel Johnson" by J. Boswell 38314 38315In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last 38316resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but 38317inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. 38318 -- Ambrose Bierce 38319 38320When Dr. Johnson defined patriotism as the last refuge of a scoundrel, 38321he ignored the enormous possibilities of the word reform. 38322 -- Sen. Roscoe Conkling 38323 38324Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel. 38325 -- Boies Penrose 38326% 38327Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious. 38328 -- Oscar Wilde 38329% 38330Pauca sed matura. (Few but excellent.) 38331 -- Gauss 38332% 38333Paul Revere was a tattle-tale. 38334% 38335Paul's Law: 38336 In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you 38337 save. 38338% 38339Paul's Law: 38340 You can't fall off the floor. 38341% 38342Pause for storage relocation. 38343% 38344Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain. 38345 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz" 38346% 38347Paycheck, n.: 38348 The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal 38349 withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA, 38350 medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance, 38351 Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions. 38352% 38353Payeen to a Twang 38354Derrida 38355Ore-Ida 38356potato. 38357 38358If you dared, 38359I'd ask you 38360to go dig 38361up your ides under brown- 38362tubered skies. 38363 38364where pitchforked 38365you will ask 38366Derrida? 38367% 38368Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it. 38369% 38370Peace cannot be kept by force; it 38371can only be achieved by understanding. 38372 -- Albert Einstein 38373% 38374Peace is much more precious than a piece 38375of land... let there be no more wars. 38376 -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat (1918-1981) 38377% 38378Peace, n.: 38379 In international affairs, a period of cheating between two 38380 periods of fighting. 38381 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 38382% 38383Peanut Blossoms 38384 383854 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk 383864 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla 383874 cups shortening 14 cups flour 383888 eggs 4 tsp. soda 383894 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt 38390 38391Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie 38392sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a 38393Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a 38394hell of a lot. 38395% 38396Pecor's Health-Food Principle: 38397 Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in it. 38398% 38399Pedaeration, n.: 38400 The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the 38401 sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed. 38402 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 38403% 38404Pediddel, n.: 38405 A car with only one working headlight. 38406 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 38407% 38408Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984 38409when he made the comment that earns him a place in my Hall of Fame. Second 38410baseman Steve Sax was having trouble making his throws. Other players were 38411diving, screaming, signaling for a fair catch. At the same time, Guerrero, 38412at third, was making a few plays that weren't exactly soothing to manager 38413Tom Lasorda's stomach. Lasorda decided it was time for one of his famous 38414motivational meetings and zeroed in on Guerrero: "How can you play third 38415base like that? You've gotta be thinking about something besides baseball. 38416What is it?" 38417 "I'm only thinking about two things," Guerrero said. "First, `I 38418hope they don't hit the ball to me.'" The players snickered, and even 38419Lasorda had to fight off a laugh. "Second, `I hope they don't hit the ball 38420to Sax.'" 38421 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game" 38422% 38423Peeping Tom: 38424 A window fan. 38425% 38426Peers's Law: 38427The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. 38428% 38429Pelorat sighed. 38430 "I will never understand people." 38431 "There's nothing to it. All you have to do is take a close look 38432at yourself and you will understand everyone else. How would Seldon have 38433worked out his Plan -- and I don't care how subtle his mathematics was -- 38434if he didn't understand people; and how could he have done that if people 38435weren't easy to understand? You show me someone who can't understand 38436people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself 38437-- no offense intended." 38438 -- Isaac Asimov, "Foundation's Edge" 38439% 38440Penguin Trivia #46: 38441 Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were. 38442 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 38443% 38444PENGUINICITY!! 38445% 38446Pension, n.: 38447 A federally insured chain letter. 38448% 38449People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of 38450attention) have often been likened to snowflakes. This analogy is meant to 38451suggest that each is unique -- no two alike. This is quite patently not the 38452case. People ... are simply a dime a dozen. And, I hasten to add, their 38453only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariable and lamentable 38454tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush. 38455 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 38456% 38457People are beginning to notice you. 38458Try dressing before you leave the house. 38459% 38460People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry. 38461% 38462People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects. 38463% 38464People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three 38465times, four time, five times... 38466% 38467People in general do not willingly read 38468if they have anything else to amuse them. 38469 -- S. Johnson 38470% 38471People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible. 38472 -- The Best of Will Rogers 38473% 38474People need good lies. There are too many bad ones. 38475 -- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 38476% 38477People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an 38478election. 38479 -- Otto von Bismarck 38480% 38481People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction 38482rather than surrender any material part of their advantage. 38483 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 38484% 38485People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of 38486the future. 38487% 38488People respond to people who respond. 38489% 38490People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they 38491*know* me there! 38492 -- D. L. Roth 38493% 38494People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people 38495have been left out on the pleasure. 38496 -- Russell Baker 38497% 38498People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here," 38499absolves them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the 38500public -- but this was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in 38501the concentration camps. 38502% 38503People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves. 38504% 38505People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something 38506to die for. The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for 38507it too. 38508% 38509People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense. 38510 -- Ken Kesey 38511% 38512People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed. 38513% 38514People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better 38515press than people who are just funny and smart. 38516 -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post" 38517% 38518People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never 38519slept in a room with a single mosquito. 38520% 38521People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes. 38522 -- Abigail Van Buren 38523% 38524People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 38525% 38526People who have no faults are terrible; 38527there is no way of taking advantage of them. 38528% 38529People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who 38530haven't what they want that they don't want it. 38531 -- Ogden Nash 38532% 38533People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything. 38534% 38535People who push both buttons should get their wish. 38536% 38537People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle. 38538% 38539People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have 38540cold baths. 38541% 38542People who think they know everything 38543greatly annoy those of us who do. 38544% 38545People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that 38546Benjamin Franklin said it first. 38547% 38548People will buy anything that's one to a customer. 38549% 38550People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they 38551did yesterday. 38552% 38553People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues. 38554% 38555People's Action Rules: 38556 (1) Some people who can, shouldn't. 38557 (2) Some people who should, won't. 38558 (3) Some people who shouldn't, will. 38559 (4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless. 38560 (5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others. 38561% 38562Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer. 38563 -- R. W. Hamming 38564% 38565Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. 38566[Confound those who have said our remarks before us.] 38567or 38568[May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.] 38569 -- Aelius Donatus 38570% 38571Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things. 38572% 38573Perfect guest, n.: 38574 One who makes his host feel at home. 38575% 38576Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but 38577when there is no longer anything to take away. 38578 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 38579% 38580Performance: 38581 A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or 38582 rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored 38583 to be working over in Jersey about a month ago. 38584% 38585Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. 38586I myself would say that it had merely been detected. 38587 -- Oscar Wilde 38588% 38589Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy 38590poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind. 38591 -- Thomas Macaulay 38592% 38593Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway. 38594% 38595Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would 38596behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in 38597order to get power we would have to become very much like them. (Lenin's 38598fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.) 38599% 38600Perhaps the world's second-worst crime is boredom. The first is 38601being a bore. 38602 -- Cecil Beaton 38603% 38604Perilous to all of us are the devices of 38605an art deeper than we ourselves possess. 38606 -- Gandalf the Grey 38607% 38608Periphrasis is the putting of things in a round-about way. "The cost may be 38609upwards of a figure rather below 10m#." is a periphrasis for The cost may be 38610nearly 10m#. "In Paris there reigns a complete absence of really reliable 38611news" is a periphrasis for There is no reliable news in Paris. "Rarely does 38612the `Little Summer' linger until November, but at times its stay has been 38613prolonged until quite late in the year's penultimate month" contains a 38614periphrasis for November, and another for lingers. "The answer is in the 38615negative" is a periphrasis for No. "Was made the recipient of" is a 38616periphrasis for Was presented with. The periphrasis style is hardly possible 38617on any considerable scale without much use of abstract nouns such as "basis, 38618case, character, connexion, dearth, description, duration, framework, lack, 38619nature, reference, regard, respect". The existence of abstract nouns is a 38620proof that abstract thought has occurred; abstract thought is a mark of 38621civilized man; and so it has come about that periphrasis and civilization are 38622by many held to be inseparable. These good people feel that there is an almost 38623indecent nakedness, a reversion to barbarism, in saying No news is good news 38624instead of "The absence of intelligence is an indication of satisfactory 38625developments." 38626 -- Fowler's English Usage 38627% 38628Persistence in one opinion has never been considered 38629a merit in political leaders. 38630 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BC 38631% 38632Personifiers of the world, unite! 38633You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! 38634 -- Bernadette Bosky 38635% 38636Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! 38637% 38638Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; 38639persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting 38640to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author 38641 -- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer" 38642% 38643Pessimist, n.: 38644 A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the 38645 wolf from the door. 38646 38647Optimist, n.: 38648 A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of 38649 his pants. 38650 38651Opportunist, n.: 38652 A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat. 38653% 38654Pete: Waiter, this meat is bad. 38655Waiter: Who told you? 38656Pete: A little swallow. 38657% 38658Peter Fellgett's wildcard recipe: 38659 Into a clean dish, place the dry ingredients and add the 38660 liquids until the right consistency is obtained. Turn out 38661 into suitable containers and cook until done. 38662% 38663Peter Wemm Murphy Field, n.: 38664 A field of abnormally frequent and severe Murphy's Law events 38665emanating from Mr. Peter Wemm. The field was first discovered and 38666identified in Denmark during the initial FreeBSD SMP development. 38667Mr. Wemm was residing in Australia at the time. 38668% 38669Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch. 38670% 38671Peter's Law of Substitution: 38672 Look after the molehills, and the 38673 mountains will look after themselves. 38674 38675Peter's Principle of Success: 38676 Get up one time more than you're knocked down. 38677 38678Peter's Principle: 38679 In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of 38680 his incompetence. 38681% 38682Peterson's Admonition: 38683 When you think you're going down for the third time -- 38684 just remember that you may have counted wrong. 38685% 38686Peterson's Rules: 38687 (1) Trucks that overturn on freeways 38688 are filled with something sticky. 38689 (2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one. 38690 (3) Things that tick are not always clocks. 38691 (4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing. 38692% 38693Petribar, n.: 38694 Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in 38695 the window of a vending machine too long. 38696 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 38697% 38698Phasers locked on target, Captain. 38699% 38700Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to 38701exciting Camden, New Jersey. 38702% 38703Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny. 38704% 38705Philosophy, n.: 38706 The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends. 38707% 38708Philosophy, n.: 38709 Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems. 38710% 38711Philosophy will clip an angel's wings. 38712 -- John Keats 38713% 38714Phone call for chucky-pooh. 38715% 38716Phosflink, v.: 38717 To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, 38718 that will bring it back to life). 38719 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 38720% 38721Photographing a volcano is just about 38722the most miserable thing you can do. 38723 -- Robert B. Goodman 38724 [Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.] 38725% 38726Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the 38727farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than 38728chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock. 38729 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married" 38730% 38731Pick another fortune cookie. 38732% 38733Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream, 38734I wonder how the old folks are tonight, 38735Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face, 38736She left me not knowing what to do. 38737 38738Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you, 38739Carefree Highway, you seen better days, 38740The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes, 38741Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you... 38742 38743Turning back the pages to the times I love best, 38744I wonder if she'll ever do the same, 38745Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied, 38746With knowing I got noone left to blame. 38747Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame... 38748 38749Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep, 38750I wonder if the years have closed her mind, 38751I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free, 38752From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew. 38753 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway" 38754% 38755Pickle's Law: 38756 If Congress must do a painful thing, 38757 the thing must be done in an odd-number year. 38758% 38759Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional 38760hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational 38761sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ... 38762% 38763Piddle, twiddle, and resolve, 38764Not one damn thing do we solve. 38765 -- 1776 38766% 38767Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square. 38768% 38769Piece of cake! 38770 -- G. S. Koblas 38771% 38772Pig, n.: 38773 An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race 38774 by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, 38775 is inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. 38776 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 38777% 38778Pilfering Treasure property is particularly dangerous: big thieves are 38779ruthless in punishing little thieves. 38780 -- Diogenes 38781% 38782Pilots should avoid using illegal drugs. 38783 -- AOPA's Pilot's Handbook, 1988 38784% 38785Piping down the valleys wild, 38786Piping songs of pleasant glee, 38787On a cloud I saw a child, 38788And he laughing said to me: 38789"Pipe a song about a Lamb!" 38790So I piped with merry cheer. 38791"Piper, pipe that song again;" 38792So I piped: he wept to hear. 38793 -- William Blake, "Songs of Innocence" 38794% 38795Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidentally dropped 38796the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag the physician 38797outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot. 38798 -- Love and Rockets 38799% 38800PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) 38801 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being 38802followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your 38803associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack 38804confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible 38805things to small animals. 38806% 38807PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20) 38808 Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the 38809American Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as 38810nobody else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will 38811probably get run over by a bus. 38812% 38813PISCES (Feb.19 - Mar.20) 38814 You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today. 38815 It will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the 38816 job you wanted. Don't lend anyone a car today. You don't have 38817 a car. 38818% 38819Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. 38820 -- Don Marquis 38821% 38822Pixel, n.: 38823 A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays. 38824 The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology: 38825 Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial 38826 intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department. 38827% 38828P-K4 38829% 38830Plaese porrf raed. 38831 -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase 38832% 38833Plagiarize, plagiarize, 38834Let no man's work evade your eyes, 38835Remember why the good Lord made your eyes, 38836Don't shade your eyes, 38837But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize. 38838Only be sure to call it research. 38839 -- Tom Lehrer 38840% 38841Planet Claire has pink hair. 38842All the trees are red. 38843No one ever dies there. 38844No one has a head.... 38845% 38846Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe! 38847Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past! 38848 -- Green Lantern Comics 38849% 38850Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia 38851because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers 38852couldn't compete successfully with poets. 38853 -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half 38854 Shell" 38855% 38856PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP: 38857 What develops when two people get 38858 tired of making love to each other. 38859% 38860Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill 38861them. 38862% 38863Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic 38864table. 38865 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" 38866% 38867Please don't put a strain on our friendship 38868by asking me to do something for you. 38869% 38870Please don't recommend me to your friends-- 38871it's difficult enough to cope with you alone. 38872% 38873PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE! 38874 38875Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer, 38876 emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment. 38877% 38878Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle, 38879I sometimes forget which side I'm on. 38880% 38881Please go away. 38882% 38883Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it. 38884% 38885Please ignore previous fortune. 38886% 38887Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment. 38888% 38889Please, Mother! I'd rather do it myself! 38890% 38891Please remain calm, it's no use both of 38892us being hysterical at the same time. 38893% 38894Please stand for the National Anthem: 38895 38896 Australian's all, let us rejoice, 38897 For we are young and free. 38898 We've golden soil and wealth for toil 38899 Our home is girt by sea. 38900 Our land abounds in nature's gifts 38901 Of beauty rich and rare. 38902 In history's page, let every stage 38903 Advance Australia Fair. 38904 In joyful strains then let us sing, 38905 Advance Australia Fair. 38906 38907Thank you. You may resume your seat. 38908% 38909Please stand for the National Anthem: 38910 38911 God save our Gracious Queen! 38912 Long live our Noble Queen! 38913 God save the Queen! 38914 Send her victorious, 38915 Happy and glorious, 38916 Long to reign o'er us! 38917 God save the Queen! 38918 38919Thank you. You may resume your seat. 38920% 38921Please stand for the National Anthem: 38922 38923 O Canada 38924 Our home and native land 38925 True patriot love 38926 In all thy sons' command 38927 With glowing hearts we see thee rise 38928 The true north strong and free 38929 From far and wide, O Canada 38930 We stand on guard for thee 38931 God keep our land glorious and free 38932 O Canada we stand on guard for thee 38933 O Canada we stand on guard for thee 38934 38935Thank you. You may resume your seat. 38936% 38937Please stand for the National Anthem: 38938 38939 Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light 38940 What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming? 38941 Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight 38942 O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming? 38943 And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air, 38944 Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there. 38945 Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave 38946 O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave? 38947 38948Thank you. You may resume your seat. 38949% 38950Please take note: 38951% 38952Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" 38953until you are told that those rooms are "punched out". Once punched 38954out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, 38955and such. 38956 -- N. Meyrowitz 38957% 38958Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means? 38959% 38960PL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than to the 38961solution set. 38962 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 38963% 38964Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're 38965of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain 38966an uncontainable experience. 38967 -- R. S. Knapp 38968% 38969PLUG IT IN!!! 38970% 38971PLUNDERER'S THEME 38972(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius) 38973 38974Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. 38975If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation. 38976Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations. 38977Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. 38978% 38979Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose. 38980% 38981Pohl's law: 38982 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. 38983% 38984Poisoned coffee, n.: 38985 Grounds for divorce. 38986% 38987Poland has gun control. 38988% 38989Police: Good evening, are you the host? 38990Host: No. 38991Police: We've been getting complaints about this party. 38992Host: About the drugs? 38993Police: No. 38994Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns? 38995Police: No, the noise. 38996Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns 38997 or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the 38998 background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? 38999 The neighbors? 39000Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent 39001 complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could 39002 ask the host to quiet things down? 39003Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive 39004 religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living 39005 room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the 39006 lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out 39007 onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind 39008 down. 39009% 39010Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to 39011teach children. 39012 -- W. H. Auden 39013% 39014Political speeches are like steer horns. A point 39015here, a point there, and a lot of bull in between. 39016 -- Alfred E. Neuman 39017% 39018Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell 39019all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds. 39020% 39021Politician, n.: 39022 An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of 39023organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the 39024agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared 39025with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive. 39026 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 39027% 39028Politician, n.: 39029 From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or 39030"face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). Hence 39031"polytetien", a person of two or more faces. 39032 -- Martin Pitt 39033% 39034Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even 39035where there is no river. 39036 -- Nikita Khrushchev 39037% 39038Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories. 39039 -- Arthur C. Clarke 39040% 39041Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have 39042been, and never will be wrong. 39043 -- Walter Dwight 39044% 39045Politics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign 39046funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other. 39047 -- Oscar Ameringer 39048% 39049Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and 39050without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in 39051for politics. 39052 -- Albert Camus 39053% 39054Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as 39055dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once. 39056 -- Winston Churchill 39057% 39058Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the 39059systematic organisation of hatreds. 39060 -- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams" 39061% 39062Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart enough 39063to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest. 39064% 39065Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing 39066between the disastrous and the unpalatable. 39067 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 39068% 39069Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to 39070realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. 39071 -- Ronald Reagan 39072% 39073Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next 39074week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to 39075explain why it didn't happen. 39076 -- Winston Churchill 39077% 39078Politics, like religion, hold up the 39079torches of martyrdom to the reformers of error. 39080 -- Thomas Jefferson 39081% 39082Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics. 39083 -- Amy Gorin 39084% 39085Politics, n.: 39086 A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. 39087 The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. 39088 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 39089% 39090Pollyanna's Educational Constant: 39091 The hyperactive child is never absent. 39092% 39093POLYGON: 39094 Dead parrot. 39095% 39096Polymer physicists are into chains. 39097% 39098Poorman's Rule: 39099 When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser 39100 package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to 39101 pull it open. 39102% 39103Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the 39104Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The 39105white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before 39106it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his 39107name had hilarious possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with 39108laughter, singing 39109 Half a pound of tuppenny rice 39110 Half a pound of treacle 39111 That's the way the chimney smokes 39112 Pope Goestheveezl 39113 39114The square was finally cleared by armed carabineri with tears of laughter 39115streaming down their faces. The event set a record for hilarious civic 39116functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron Hans Neizant 39117Bompzidaize was elected Landburgher of Koln in 1653. 39118 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 39119% 39120Populus vult decipi. 39121[The people like to be deceived.] 39122% 39123Porsche; there simply is no substitute. 39124 -- Risky Business 39125% 39126Portable, adj.: 39127 Survives system reboot. 39128% 39129POSITIVE: 39130 Being mistaken at the top of your voice. 39131% 39132Positive, adj.: 39133 Mistaken at the top of one's voice. 39134 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 39135% 39136Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage. 39137 -- Ryan 39138% 39139Post proelium, praemium. 39140[After the battle, the reward.] 39141% 39142Postmen never die, they just lose their zip. 39143% 39144Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents: 39145 39146 SPUD ROGERS OF THE 25TH CENTURY: Story of an Air Force potato that's 39147left in a rarely used chow hall for over two centuries and wakes up in a world 39148populated by soybean created imitations under the evil Dick Tater. Thanks to 39149him, the soy-potatoes learn that being a 'tater is where it's at. Memorable 39150line, "'Cause I'm just a stud spud!" 39151 39152 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER SERIES: Crazed potato who was left in a 39153fryer too long and was charbroiled carelessly returns to wreak havoc on 39154unsuspecting, would-be teen camp cooks. Scenes include a girl being stuffed 39155with chives and Fleischman's Margarine and a boy served up on a side dish 39156with beets and dressing. Definitely not for the squeamish, or those on 39157diets that are driving them crazy. 39158 39159 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER II,III,IV,V,VI: Much, much more of the same. 39160Except with sour cream. 39161% 39162Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents: 39163 39164 THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day 39165McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoes (girl 'tater) who will give birth 39166to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly 39167behind this). Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..." 39168 39169 A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name, 39170rides into a town that's deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover 39171of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers. Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and 39172general butter-melting by all. 39173 39174 FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off! Cameo by Walter 39175Cronkite, as every man's common 'tater! 39176% 39177Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth. 39178% 39179POVERTY: 39180 An unfortunate state that persists as long 39181 as anyone lacks anything he would like to have. 39182% 39183Poverty begins at home. 39184% 39185Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many 39186poor people. 39187 -- Don Herold 39188% 39189Power and ignorance is a detestable cocktail. 39190 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 39191% 39192Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. 39193 -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987 39194% 39195Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically. 39196% 39197Power corrupts. Powerpoint corrupts absolutely. 39198 -- Vint Cerf 39199% 39200Power is poison. 39201% 39202Power is the finest token of affection. 39203% 39204Power, like a desolating pestilence, 39205Pollutes whate'er it touches... 39206 -- Percy Bysshe Shelley 39207% 39208Power, n.: 39209 The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA. 39210% 39211Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely. 39212 -- Lord Acton 39213% 39214PPRB -- Pillage, plunder, rape and burn. 39215% 39216Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little 39217more time for dreaming. 39218 -- J. P. McEvoy 39219% 39220Practical politics consists in ignoring facts. 39221 -- Henry Adams 39222% 39223Practically perfect people never permit 39224sentiment to muddle their thinking. 39225 -- Mary Poppins 39226% 39227Practice is the best of all instructors. 39228 -- Publilius 39229% 39230Practice yourself what you preach. 39231 -- Titus Maccius Plautus 39232% 39233PRAIRIES: 39234 Vast plains covered by treeless forests. 39235% 39236Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition. 39237 -- Stephen Coonts, "The Minotaur" 39238% 39239Praise the sea; on shore remain. 39240 -- John Florio 39241% 39242Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore. 39243 -- Russian Proverb 39244% 39245Pray, v.: 39246 To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf 39247 of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. 39248 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 39249% 39250Predestination was doomed from the start. 39251% 39252Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future. 39253 -- Niels Bohr 39254% 39255Prejudice, n.: 39256 A vagrant opinion without visible means of support. 39257 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 39258% 39259Premature optimization is the root of all evil. 39260 -- Donald E. Knuth 39261% 39262Preserve the old, but know the new. 39263% 39264Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today! 39265% 39266Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today! 39267% 39268President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and 39269forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax. 39270% 39271President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the 39272vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting. 39273 -- The Washington Post 39274% 39275Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist! 39276% 39277Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: 39278 It's on the other side. 39279% 39280Price's Advice: 39281 It's all a game -- play it to have fun. 39282% 39283[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves 39284to see him work. 39285 -- Winston Churchill 39286% 39287[Prime Minister MacDonald] has the gift of compressing the 39288largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought. 39289 -- Winston Churchill 39290% 39291Prince Hamlet thought Uncle a traitor 39292For having it off with his Mater; 39293 Revenge Dad or not? 39294 That's the gist of the plot, 39295And he did -- nine soliloquies later. 39296 -- Stanley J. Sharpless 39297% 39298Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle 39299taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for 39300all I know. 39301 -- Prof. J. H. Finley '25 39302% 39303Priority: 39304 A statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often 39305 expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't 39306 care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less 39307 badly than someone else. 39308% 39309Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion. 39310 -- Blake 39311% 39312Prizes are for children. 39313 -- Charles Ives, 39314 upon being given, but refusing, the Pulitzer prize 39315% 39316Pro is to con as progress is to Congress. 39317% 39318Probable-Possible, my black hen, 39319She lays eggs in the Relative When. 39320She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now 39321Because she's unable to postulate how. 39322 -- Frederick Winsor 39323% 39324Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have 39325orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which 39326is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime. 39327 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 39328 Teen Should Know" 39329% 39330PROBLEM DRINKER: 39331 A man who never buys. 39332% 39333Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training. 39334And there's no reason for it. So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy 39335for twelve years? I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress 39336I can. Why doesn't anyone send me the scripts that Faye Dunaway gets? 39337 -- Farrah Fawcett-Majors 39338% 39339Prof: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data 39340 encryption standard and they came up with ... 39341Student: EBCDIC! 39342% 39343Profanity is the one language all programmers know best. 39344% 39345Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130 39346midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam. 39347Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average 39348has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%. 39349% 39350PROGRAM: 39351 Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one 39352 day. Once a task is defined as a program ("training program," 39353 "sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation 39354 always justifies hiring at least three more people. 39355% 39356Program, n.: 39357 A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input 39358 into error messages. tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging 39359 one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward. 39360% 39361Programmers do it bit by bit. 39362% 39363Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live 39364without giant listings; we would find it hard to use them. 39365 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 39366% 39367Programming Department: 39368 Mistakes made while you wait. 39369% 39370Programming is an unnatural act. 39371% 39372Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to 39373build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying 39374to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. 39375 -- Rich Cook 39376% 39377PROGRESS: 39378 Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons 39379 invading the body and taking possession of it. 39380 39381 Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria 39382 and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction. 39383% 39384Progress is impossible without change, and those who 39385cannot change their minds cannot change anything. 39386 -- George Bernard Shaw 39387% 39388Progress means replacing a theory that 39389is wrong with one more subtly wrong. 39390% 39391Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long. 39392 -- Ogden Nash 39393% 39394Progress was all right. Only it went on too long. 39395 -- James Thurber 39396% 39397Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded. 39398% 39399Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you. 39400% 39401PROMOTION FROM WITHIN: 39402 A system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making 39403 level where they can't foul up operations. 39404% 39405Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword. 39406% 39407Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction. 39408 39409This technique is used on equations with 'n' in them. Induction 39410techniques are very popular, even the military use them. 39411 39412SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction. 39413 39414 We know it's true for n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true 39415for every natural number less than n. N is arbitrary, so we can take n 39416as large as we want. If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is 39417trivially equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n. We can 39418take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 because it's just about n. 39419 QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?") 39420% 39421Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity. 39422 SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs. 39423(1) Horses have an even number of legs. 39424(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front. 39425(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of 39426 legs for a horse. 39427(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. 39428(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs. 39429 39430Topics to be covered in future issues include proof by: 39431 Intimidation 39432 Gesticulation (handwaving) 39433 "Try it; it works" 39434 Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...) 39435 Blatant assertion 39436 Changing all the 2's to _n's 39437 Mutual consent 39438 Lack of a counterexample, and 39439 "It stands to reason" 39440% 39441Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days, 39442but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week. 39443 -- Darrell Huff 39444% 39445Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: 39446 39447BBW Branch Both Ways 39448BEW Branch Either Way 39449BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full 39450BH Branch and Hang 39451BMR Branch Multiple Registers 39452BOB Branch On Bug 39453BPO Branch on Power Off 39454BST Backspace and Stretch Tape 39455CDS Condense and Destroy System 39456CLBR Clobber Register 39457CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately 39458CM Circulate Memory 39459CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming 39460CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip 39461CRN Convert to Roman Numerals 39462% 39463Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: 39464 39465DC Divide and Conquer 39466DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key 39467DO Divide and Overflow 39468EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator 39469EPI Execute Programmer Immediately 39470EROS Erase Read Only Storage 39471EXCE Execute Customer Engineer 39472HCF Halt and Catch Fire 39473IBP Insert Bug and Proceed 39474INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out]) 39475PBC Print and Break Chain 39476PDSK Punch Disk 39477% 39478Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: 39479 39480PI Punch Invalid 39481POPI Punch Operator Immediately 39482PVLC Punch Variable Length Card 39483RASC Read And Shred Card 39484RPM Read Programmers Mind 39485RSSC Reduce Speed, Step Carefully (for improved accuracy) 39486RTAB Rewind Tape and Break 39487RWDSK Rewind Disk 39488RWOC Read Writing On Card 39489SCRBL Scribble to disk - faster than a write 39490SLC Search for Lost Chord 39491SPSW Scramble Program Status Word 39492SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk 39493STROM Store in Read Only Memory 39494TDB Transfer and Drop Bit 39495WBT Water Binary Tree 39496% 39497Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them. 39498 -- Publilius Syrus 39499% 39500Prototype designs always work. 39501 -- Don Vonada 39502% 39503prototype, n. 39504 First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by 39505 pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version, 39506 upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the 39507 prototype is not expected to work. 39508% 39509Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller 39510than the both put together. 39511% 39512Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities 39513where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf. 39514% 39515Prunes give you a run for your money. 39516% 39517Pryor's Observation: 39518 How long you live has nothing to do 39519 with how long you are going to be dead. 39520% 39521PS: This message is not intended to supply the minimum 39522daily requirement of serious thought. Consult your doctor 39523or pharmacist, but not the one that just sent you electronic 39524junk mail or promises to make explicit drugs fast. 39525 -- taken from Norman Wilson's .sig 39526% 39527Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check 39528three friends. If they're OK, you're it. 39529% 39530Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' 39531shortcomings. 39532 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles" 39533% 39534Psychics will soon lead dogs to your body. 39535% 39536Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself 39537a therapy. 39538 -- Karl Kraus 39539 39540Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd. 39541 39542Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. 39543 -- Carl G. Jung 39544% 39545Psychologist, n.: 39546 Someone who watches everyone else when an attractive woman walks 39547 into a room. 39548% 39549Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists. 39550Experimental psychologists think they're biologists. 39551Biologists think they're biochemists. 39552Biochemists think they're chemists. 39553Chemists think they're physical chemists. 39554Physical chemists think they're physicists. 39555Physicists think they're theoretical physicists. 39556Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians. 39557Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians. 39558Metamathematicians think they're philosophers. 39559Philosophers think they're gods. 39560% 39561Psychology. Mind over matter. 39562Mind under matter? It doesn't matter. 39563Never mind. 39564% 39565Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well 39566anyhow and is certainly a damn fool. 39567 -- H. L. Mencken 39568% 39569Public use of any portable music system is a 39570virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies. 39571 -- Zoso 39572% 39573Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping 39574a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo. 39575% 39576Pudder's Law: 39577 Anything that begins well will end badly. 39578 (Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.) 39579% 39580Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa. 39581% 39582Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves 39583to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way 39584to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the 39585cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in 39586fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a 39587lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of 39588the first day even if they have plenty of food and water. 39589 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 39590% 39591Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen. 39592% 39593PURGE COMPLETE. 39594% 39595PURITAN: 39596 Someone who is deathly afraid that 39597 someone, somewhere, is having fun. 39598% 39599Puritanism -- the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. 39600 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Book of Burlesques" 39601% 39602Purpitation, v.: 39603 To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you 39604 don't want it, and then put it in another section. 39605 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 39606% 39607Pushing 30 is exercise enough. 39608% 39609Pushing 40 is exercise enough. 39610% 39611Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer. 39612Let it simmer. Meanwhile, broil a good steak. 39613Eat the steak. Let the chili simmer. Ignore it. 39614 -- Recipe for chili from Allan Shrivers, former governor 39615 of Texas. 39616% 39617Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man. 39618 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims" 39619% 39620Put all your eggs in one basket and -- WATCH THAT BASKET. 39621 -- Mark Twain 39622% 39623Put another password in, 39624Bomb it out, then try again. 39625Try to get past logging in, 39626We're hacking, hacking, hacking. 39627 39628Try his first wife's maiden name, 39629This is more than just a game. 39630It's real fun, but just the same, 39631It's hacking, hacking, hacking. 39632% 39633Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea! 39634% 39635Put no trust in cryptic comments. 39636% 39637Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust. 39638% 39639Put your best foot forward. 39640Or just call in and say you're sick. 39641% 39642Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion. 39643% 39644Put your Nose to the Grindstone! 39645 -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd. 39646% 39647Put your trust in those who are worthy. 39648% 39649Putt's Law: 39650 Technology is dominated by two types of people: 39651 Those who understand what they do not manage. 39652 Those who manage what they do not understand. 39653% 39654Pyro's of the world... IGNITE !!! 39655% 39656Q: Are we not men? 39657A: We are Vaxen. 39658% 39659Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? 39660A: One per person. 39661% 39662Q: Do you think the idea of "one tool doing one job" has been 39663 abandoned? ... 39664A: Those days are dead and gone and the eulogy was delivered by 39665 Perl. 39666 -- Rob Pike 39667% 39668Q: Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism? 39669A: He got re-possessed! 39670% 39671Q: How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert? 39672A: With three more bullets. 39673% 39674Q: How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with 39675 your wife? 39676A: You have to wait 22 months. 39677% 39678Q: How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back 39679 in a hurricane? 39680A: You can hear his ears flapping in the wind. 39681% 39682Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying? 39683A: When his lips move. 39684% 39685Q: How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree? 39686A: He sat on an acorn and waited for spring. 39687 39688Q: But how did he get back down? 39689A: He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn. 39690% 39691Q: How did the regular expression cross the road? 39692A: ^.*$ 39693% 39694Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence? 39695A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence. 39696% 39697Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? 39698A: Unique up on it! 39699 39700Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit? 39701A: The tame way! 39702% 39703Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense? 39704% 39705Q: How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal? 39706A: While he's not looking, switch it to "local". 39707% 39708Q: How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont? 39709A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles. 39710% 39711Q: How do you make an elephant float? 39712A: You get two scoops of elephant and some root beer... 39713% 39714Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer? 39715A: Throw him a rock. 39716% 39717Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant? 39718A: With a blue-elephant gun. 39719 39720Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant? 39721A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with 39722 a blue-elephant gun. 39723% 39724Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging? 39725A: Take away his credit cards. 39726% 39727Q: How does a hacker fix a function which 39728 doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain? 39729A: He changes the domain. 39730% 39731Q: How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches? 39732A: She asks them for a commitment. 39733% 39734Q: How does a WASP propose marriage? 39735A: "How would you like to be buried with my people?" 39736% 39737Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? 39738A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment 39739 of license fee (binary only). 39740% 39741Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? 39742A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being 39743 done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. 39744% 39745Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 39746A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the 39747 experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in 39748 lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.) 39749 39750Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? 39751A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all 39752 those Californians trying to share the experience. 39753% 39754Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 39755A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it. 39756% 39757Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat? 39758A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. 39759 39760Q: How long does it take? 39761A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've 39762 brought with them. 39763 39764Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats? 39765A: They replace your generator. 39766% 39767Q: How many Democrats does it take to enjoy a good joke? 39768A: One more than you can find. 39769% 39770Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug? 39771A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back. 39772 39773Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator? 39774A: There's a footprint in the mayo. 39775 39776Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator? 39777A: There's two footprints in the mayo. 39778 39779Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator? 39780A: The door won't shut. 39781 39782Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator? 39783A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway. 39784% 39785Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 39786A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb 39787 itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective 39788 reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward 39789 a maudlin cosmos of nothingness. 39790% 39791Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 39792A: None. We'll fix it in software. 39793 39794Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb? 39795A: None. The application can work around it. 39796 39797Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 39798A: None. We'll document it in the manual. 39799 39800Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? 39801A: None. The user can figure it out. 39802% 39803Q: How many Harvard MBAs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 39804A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him. 39805% 39806Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb 39807 in San Francisco? 39808A: Both of them. 39809% 39810Q: How many IBM 370s does it take to execute a job? 39811A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. 39812% 39813Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to do a logical right shift? 39814A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register. 39815% 39816Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? 39817A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number 39818 GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, 39819 of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally 39820 left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:..... 39821 consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". 39822% 39823Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 39824A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring 39825 light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government 39826 plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer 39827 prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb 39828 assassin to break the bulb in the first place. 39829% 39830Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? 39831A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done. 39832% 39833Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? 39834A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the 39835party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith 39836agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed 39837from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed 39838upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of 39839the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating 39840at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of 39841the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the 39842second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the 39843parties. 39844 The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be 39845limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without 39846elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other 39847means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party 39848of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered 39849non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part 39850becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall 39851have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner 39852consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes. 39853Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part 39854shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall 39855occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in 39856step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation 39857should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. 39858The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the 39859first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to 39860produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership. 39861% 39862Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? 39863A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if 39864 you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb... 39865% 39866Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb? 39867A: I'll have to get back to you on that. 39868% 39869Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 39870A: One and a half. 39871% 39872Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 39873A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. 39874% 39875Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 39876A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem 39877 to the earlier joke. 39878% 39879Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a 39880 light bulb? 39881A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in 39882 the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send 39883 Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim 39884 that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking 39885 around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains 39886 that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at 39887 the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb 39888 from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something. 39889 Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers 39890 beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promptly 39891 killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. 39892 As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand, 39893 Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must 39894 warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon 39895 and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have 39896 just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been 39897 given all lightbulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted 39898 and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission. 39899% 39900Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? 39901A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those 39902 Californians trying to share the experience. 39903% 39904Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light 39905 bulb? 39906A: Three. One to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the 39907 witness. 39908% 39909Q: How many pre-med's does it take to change a lightbulb? 39910A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder 39911 out from under him. 39912% 39913Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? 39914A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has 39915 to really want to change. 39916% 39917Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb? 39918A: Twelve. One to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven to 39919 self-destruct the ship out of disgrace. 39920 39921 [Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans or else be ready for 39922 a fight. They consider it to be a disgrace, though it's 39923 pretty good for a LBJ. Ed.] 39924% 39925Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? 39926A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub 39927 with brightly colored machine tools. 39928 39929 [Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.] 39930% 39931Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a lightbulb? 39932A: One. 39933% 39934Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? 39935A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out 39936 of the way. 39937% 39938Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus? 39939A: 2 bits. 39940% 39941Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried? 39942A: 9 edge down. 39943% 39944Q: Know what the difference between your latest project 39945 and putting wings on an elephant is? 39946A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh... 39947% 39948Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?" 39949A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little 39950 bottles into the typewriter. 39951% 39952Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. 39953 What should I do? 39954A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on 39955 believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably 39956 be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. 39957 No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if 39958 somebody else has made the correction. 39959 39960 And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're 39961 the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have 39962 to inform the whole net right away! 39963 -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions 39964 on Netiquette" 39965% 39966Q: What did one regular expression say to the other? 39967A: .+ 39968% 39969Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? 39970A: "The elephants are coming over the hill." 39971 39972Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing 39973 sunglasses? 39974A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them. 39975% 39976Q: What did the regular expression match? 39977A: Identified the patterns "matc" and "match" 39978% 39979Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common? 39980A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until 39981 they go down on you. 39982 39983Q: What's the advantage to being married to a blonde? 39984A: You can park in the handicapped zone. 39985 39986Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw 39987 puzzle in only 6 months? 39988A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years". 39989% 39990Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up? 39991A: The very best person they can possibly be. 39992% 39993Q: What do monsters eat? 39994A: Things. 39995 39996Q: What do monsters drink? 39997A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.) 39998% 39999Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas? 40000A: The impossible dream. 40001% 40002Q: What do WASPs do instead of making love? 40003A: Rule the country. 40004% 40005Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common? 40006A: The same middle name. 40007% 40008Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? 40009A: A dope ring. 40010 40011Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails? 40012A: To cover up the valve stem. 40013% 40014Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal? 40015A: Diyathinkhesaurus. 40016 40017Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog? 40018A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex. 40019% 40020Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? 40021A: A stick. 40022% 40023Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes? 40024A: An interpreter. 40025 40026Q: Why do blondes have square breasts? 40027A: They forgot to take the tissues out of the box. 40028 40029Q: What do you call ten blonds in a row? 40030A: A wind tunnel. 40031% 40032Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? 40033A: What does it matter? He can't come anyway. 40034 40035 [I got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette. 40036 Every night, I take him out for a drag. Ed.] 40037% 40038Q: What do you call a group of kids with low IQs, drinking diet cola, 40039 eating fruit, and singing? 40040A: The Moron Tab and Apple Choir. 40041% 40042Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu? 40043A: Six sick Sikhs (sic). 40044% 40045Q: What do you call a million cats at the bottom of Lake Michigan? 40046A: A good start. 40047% 40048Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C 40049 is lower than those of other principal female opera singers? 40050A: A deep C diva. 40051% 40052Q: What do you call a TV set that fixes itself? 40053A: A Christian Science Monitor. 40054% 40055Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a 40056 lawyer, and believes in social causes? 40057A: A failure. 40058% 40059Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when 40060 you ride into the country on the back of an elephant? 40061A: A howdah duty. 40062% 40063Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female 40064 sheep bites you? 40065A: Ewe nicks. 40066% 40067Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard? 40068A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand! 40069% 40070Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? 40071A: An offer you can't understand. 40072% 40073Q: What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole? 40074A: Hot cross bunnies! 40075% 40076Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? 40077A: Not enough sand. 40078% 40079Q: What does a blonde do first thing in the morning? 40080A: She goes home. 40081 40082Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress? 40083A: To keep her neck warm. 40084 40085Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday? 40086A: Tell her a joke on Friday. 40087% 40088Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner? 40089A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by 40090 a delicious dessert. 40091% 40092Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota? 40093A: Open other end. 40094% 40095Q: What goes: Sis! Boom! Baaaaah! 40096A: Exploding sheep. 40097% 40098Q: What happens when four WASPs find themselves in the same room? 40099A: A dinner party. 40100% 40101Q: What is green and lives in the ocean? 40102A: Moby Pickle. 40103% 40104Q: What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has two of? 40105A: Feet. 40106% 40107Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?" 40108A: A ball point carrot. 40109% 40110Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota? 40111A: Open other end. 40112% 40113Q: What is purple and commutes? 40114A: A boolean grape. 40115% 40116Q: What is purple and commutes? 40117A: An Abelian grape. 40118% 40119Q: What is purple and concord the world? 40120A: Alexander the Grape. 40121% 40122Q: What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic 40123 existentialist? 40124A: Is there a dog? 40125% 40126Q: What is the difference between a duck? 40127A: One leg is both the same. 40128% 40129Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt? 40130A: Yogurt has culture. 40131% 40132Q: What is the last thing a Kansas stripper takes off? 40133A: Her bowling shoes. 40134% 40135Q: What is the mating call of a blonde? 40136A: I think I'm drunk. 40137 40138Q: What's the call of a disappointed blonde? 40139A: I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk! 40140 40141Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? 40142A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!" 40143% 40144Q: What is the sound of one cat napping? 40145A: Mu. 40146% 40147Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches? 40148A: A nervous wreck. 40149% 40150Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and 40151 plays like a monkey? 40152A: Nothing. 40153% 40154Q: What regular expression do you often see around Christmas? 40155A: [^L] 40156% 40157Q: What's a light-year? 40158A: One-third less calories than a regular year. 40159% 40160Q: What's black and white and red all over? 40161A: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight. 40162% 40163Q: What's bruised, bleeding, and lies in a ditch? 40164A: Somebody who tells Aggie jokes. 40165% 40166Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer? 40167A: A Doberman. 40168% 40169Q: What's the Blonde's cheer? 40170A: I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N... ah, oh well.. 40171 I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea... 40172 40173Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? 40174A: Artificial intelligence. 40175 40176Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? 40177A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. 40178% 40179Q: What's the capital of Canada? 40180A: American. 40181% 40182Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead 40183 lawyer in the road? 40184A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. 40185% 40186Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant? 40187A: You can't get down off an elephant. 40188% 40189Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch? 40190A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen. 40191% 40192Q: What's the difference between a RHU cheerleader and a whale? 40193A: The moustache. 40194% 40195Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? 40196A: One more drunk. 40197% 40198Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America? 40199A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision. 40200% 40201Q: What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt? 40202A: Yogurt has a living, active culture. 40203% 40204Q: What's the difference between USL and the Graf Zeppelin? 40205A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time. 40206% 40207Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic? 40208A: The Titanic had a band. 40209% 40210Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous? 40211A: A canary with the super-user password. 40212% 40213Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice? 40214A: Zorn's Lemon. 40215% 40216Q: Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage? 40217A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump! 40218 40219Q: What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill? 40220A: Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant... 40221% 40222Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain? 40223A: Lawn Boy. 40224% 40225Q: Why are Jewish divorces so expensive? 40226A: Because they're worth it! 40227% 40228Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers? 40229A: Because he was hungry. 40230% 40231Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall? 40232A: To see what was on the other side. 40233 40234Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels? 40235A: More head room. 40236 40237Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex? 40238A: She opens the car door. 40239% 40240Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? 40241A: He was giving it last rites. 40242% 40243Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? 40244A: To see his friend Gregory peck. 40245 40246Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? 40247A: To get to the other slide. 40248% 40249Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope? 40250A: To get to the other slide. 40251% 40252Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto? 40253A: He found out what "kemosabe" really means. 40254% 40255Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"? 40256A: Because he left a residue at every pole. 40257% 40258Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance? 40259A: Because that was her name. 40260% 40261Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? 40262A: Because it was on the other side. 40263% 40264Q: Why did the WASP cross the road? 40265A: To get to the middle. 40266% 40267Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet? 40268A: To stamp out forest fires. 40269 40270Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet? 40271A: To stamp out flaming ducks. 40272% 40273Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? 40274A: To stamp out forest fires. 40275 40276Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? 40277A: To stamp out flaming ducks. 40278% 40279Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders? 40280A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress. 40281% 40282Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? 40283A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home. 40284% 40285Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads? 40286A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise? 40287 Oh, right, *of course*! 40288% 40289Q: Why do the police always travel in threes? 40290A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps 40291 an eye on the two intellectuals. 40292% 40293Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and 40294 New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps? 40295A: God gave New Jersey first choice. 40296% 40297Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles? 40298A: Because they get their head stuck in the jars. 40299 40300Q: Why do blondes wear underwear? 40301A: To keep their ankles warm. 40302 40303Q: How do you kill a blonde? 40304A: Put spikes in her shoulder pads. 40305% 40306Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach? 40307A: The cats keep trying to bury them. 40308% 40309Q: Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it? 40310A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink 40311 it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while 40312 visiting, they always take three. 40313% 40314Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? 40315A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit 40316 gets all the credit. 40317% 40318Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation 40319 function, the more expensive it becomes to compute? 40320A: That's the Law of Spline Demand. 40321% 40322Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? 40323A: It takes too long to retrain them. 40324 40325Q: What's the mating call of the brunette? 40326A: All the blondes have gone home! 40327 40328Q: How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? 40329A: There's white-out on the screen. 40330% 40331Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man 40332 soup in a plate? 40333A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away. 40334% 40335Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned? 40336A: It wasn't IBM compatible. 40337% 40338QED. 40339% 40340QOTD: 40341 "A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5." 40342% 40343QOTD: 40344 "A lack of advanced planning on your part does not constitute 40345 an emergency on my part." 40346% 40347QOTD: 40348 "A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem." 40349% 40350QOTD: 40351 "All I want is a little more than I'll ever get." 40352% 40353QOTD: 40354 "All I want is more than my fair share." 40355% 40356QOTD: 40357 "Dead people are good at running because they don't 40358 have to stop and breathe." 40359 -- Hokey, watching "Night of the Living Dead" 40360% 40361QOTD: 40362 "Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone." 40363% 40364QOTD: 40365 "East is east... and let's keep it that way." 40366% 40367QOTD: 40368 "Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there, 40369 I go to work." 40370% 40371QOTD: 40372 "Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now 40373 too late to punish." 40374% 40375QOTD: 40376 "Flash! Flash! I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to 40377 save the earth!" 40378% 40379QOTD: 40380 "He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day." 40381% 40382QOTD: 40383 "Her other car is a broom." 40384% 40385QOTD: 40386 "He's a perfectionist. If he married Raquel Welch, he'd expect 40387 her to cook." 40388% 40389QOTD: 40390 "He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom." 40391% 40392QOTD: 40393 "How can I miss you if you won't go away?" 40394% 40395QOTD: 40396 "I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent." 40397% 40398QOTD: 40399 "I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it." 40400% 40401QOTD: 40402 "I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the 40403other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out." 40404% 40405QOTD: 40406 "I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying." 40407% 40408QOTD: 40409 "I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby." 40410% 40411QOTD: 40412 "I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down, 40413 then I thought `One of us is in real trouble.'" 40414 -- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash 40415% 40416QOTD: 40417 "I love your outfit, does it come in your size?" 40418% 40419QOTD: 40420 "I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting position." 40421% 40422QOTD: 40423 "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!" 40424% 40425QOTD: 40426 "I opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the 40427 ball in their court." 40428 -- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs) 40429% 40430QOTD: 40431 "I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it 40432 didn't work." 40433% 40434QOTD: 40435 "I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a 40436 horse with one of the horns broken off." 40437% 40438QOTD: 40439 "I treat her like a thoroughbred, and she's STILL a nag!" 40440% 40441QOTD: 40442 "I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return 40443 it though. Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower." 40444% 40445QOTD: 40446 "I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality." 40447% 40448QOTD: 40449 "I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with 40450 the lost." 40451% 40452QOTD: 40453 "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance." 40454% 40455QOTD: 40456 "I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job." 40457% 40458QOTD: 40459 "I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass." 40460% 40461QOTD: 40462 "I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..." 40463 -- Kathy Ireland 40464% 40465QOTD: 40466 "I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the 40467 dog for dinner." 40468% 40469QOTD: 40470 "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza. I might play 40471 golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her." 40472% 40473QOTD: 40474 "If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything." 40475% 40476QOTD: 40477 "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the aftershave." 40478% 40479QOTD: 40480 "If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie." 40481% 40482QOTD: 40483 "If it's too loud, you're too old." 40484% 40485QOTD: 40486 "If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it." 40487% 40488QOTD: 40489 "If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection." 40490% 40491QOTD: 40492 "I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD." 40493% 40494QOTD: 40495 "I'm just a boy named 'su'..." 40496% 40497QOTD: 40498 "I'm not a nerd -- I'm 'socially challenged.'" 40499% 40500QOTD: 40501 I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged". 40502 40503 [I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.] 40504% 40505QOTD: 40506 "I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..." 40507% 40508QOTD: 40509 "I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it." 40510% 40511QOTD: 40512 "In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department." 40513% 40514QOTD: 40515 "It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many 40516 stations anymore." 40517% 40518QOTD: 40519 "It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his 40520 hands in his own pockets." 40521% 40522QOTD: 40523 "It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing." 40524% 40525QOTD: 40526 "It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out." 40527% 40528QOTD: 40529 "It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear." 40530% 40531QOTD: 40532 "It's been Monday all week today." 40533% 40534QOTD: 40535 "It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun." 40536% 40537QOTD: 40538 "It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if 40539 the ace is missing from his deck altogether." 40540% 40541QOTD: 40542 "It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name." 40543% 40544QOTD: 40545 "It's not the despair... I can stand the despair. It's the hope." 40546% 40547QOTD: 40548 "It's sort of a threat, you see. I've never been very good at 40549 them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective." 40550% 40551QOTD: 40552 "I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint. And then go on 40553 strike. To make less money." 40554% 40555QOTD: 40556 "I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back 40557 all of my stuff." 40558% 40559QOTD: 40560 "I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one." 40561% 40562QOTD: 40563 "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing 40564 trivial." 40565% 40566QOTD: 40567 "Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?" 40568% 40569QOTD: 40570 "Let's do it." 40571 -- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad 40572% 40573QOTD: 40574 "Like this rose, our love will wilt and die." 40575% 40576QOTD: 40577 "Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical 40578 mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying 40579 on the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn." 40580 -- Goodstein, States of Matter 40581% 40582QOTD: 40583 "Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch." 40584% 40585QOTD: 40586 "My ambition is to marry a rich woman who's too proud to let 40587 her husband work." 40588% 40589QOTD: 40590 "My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?" 40591% 40592QOTD: 40593 "My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips." 40594% 40595QOTD: 40596 "My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships." 40597% 40598QOTD: 40599 "Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with 40600 a fake?" 40601% 40602QOTD: 40603 "Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy." 40604% 40605QOTD: 40606 "Oh, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very, very pretty." 40607% 40608QOTD: 40609 "On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there." 40610% 40611QOTD: 40612 "Our parents were never our age." 40613% 40614QOTD: 40615 "Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies." 40616% 40617QOTD: 40618 "Sacred cows make great hamburgers." 40619% 40620QOTD: 40621 "Say, you look pretty athletic. What say we put a pair of tennis 40622 shoes on you and run you into the wall?" 40623% 40624QOTD: 40625 "Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing." 40626% 40627QOTD: 40628 "She's about as smart as bait." 40629% 40630QOTD: 40631 "Silence is the only virtue he has left." 40632% 40633QOTD: 40634 "Some people have one of those days. I've had one of those lives." 40635% 40636QOTD: 40637 "Sure, I turned down a drink once. Didn't understand the question." 40638% 40639QOTD: 40640 "Talent does what it can, genius what it must. 40641 I do what I get paid to do." 40642% 40643QOTD: 40644 "The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its 40645 neck to get the dog to play with it." 40646% 40647QOTD: 40648 "The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt." 40649% 40650QOTD: 40651 "The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean 40652 the snakes have gone away." 40653% 40654QOTD: 40655 "The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the 40656 gerbil has more dark meat." 40657% 40658QOTD: 40659 "There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking." 40660% 40661QOTD: 40662 "This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the 40663 left." 40664% 40665QOTD: 40666 "To hell with patience, I'm gonna kill me something!" 40667% 40668QOTD: 40669 "Unlucky? If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween." 40670% 40671QOTD: 40672 "What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you 40673 think he was broken!" 40674% 40675QOTD: 40676 "What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding 40677 when I mess things up." 40678% 40679QOTD: 40680 "What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call 40681 "baring your neck." 40682% 40683QOTD: 40684 "Who? Me? No, no, NO!! But I do sell rugs." 40685% 40686QOTD: 40687 "Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?" 40688% 40689QOTD: 40690 "Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE? 40691 Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK... S'great..." 40692% 40693QOTD: 40694 "You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them? 40695 How... tribal." 40696% 40697QOTD: 40698 "You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth." 40699% 40700Quack! 40701 Quack!! Quack!! 40702% 40703Quality control: 40704 Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand 40705 and add to the cost of its manufacture or design. 40706% 40707Quality Control, n.: 40708 The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off 40709a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works. 40710% 40711Quantity is no substitute for quality, 40712but its the only one we've got. 40713% 40714Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces! 40715 -- Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party 40716% 40717Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me." 40718% 40719QUARK: 40720 The sound made by a well bred duck. 40721% 40722Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck! 40723% 40724Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in 40725exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must 40726devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate 40727from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to 40728Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are 40729weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be 40730reached for comment, but we chose not to listen. 40731 -- Dennis Miller 40732% 40733question = ( to ) ? be : ! be; 40734 -- William Shakespeare 40735% 40736QUESTION AUTHORITY. 40737 40738(Sez who?) 40739% 40740Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until 40741they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them? 40742% 40743Questionable day. 40744Ask somebody something. 40745% 40746Question: 40747Man Invented Alcohol, 40748God Invented Grass. 40749Who do you trust? 40750% 40751Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are. 40752 -- Oscar Wilde 40753% 40754Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened! 40755% 40756Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!! 40757% 40758Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. 40759 40760(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.) 40761% 40762Quigley's Law: 40763 Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will 40764attempt to use it. 40765% 40766Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away. 40767 -- Robert Orben 40768% 40769Quite frankly, I don't like you humans. 40770After what you all have done, I find being "inhuman" a compliment. 40771% 40772QUOTE OF THE DAY: 40773 40774 ` 40775 40776% 40777Qvid me anxivs svm? 40778% 40779QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]: 40780 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 40781kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [colloq.] one 40782thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [anat.] a 40783painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [slang] 40784person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert. 40785 -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed. 40786% 40787Radicalism: 40788 The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today. 40789 -- Ambrose Bierce 40790% 40791RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC 40792READY 40793>_ 40794% 40795Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. 40796% 40797Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht. 40798 -- Albert Einstein 40799% 40800rain falls where clouds come 40801sun shines where clouds go 40802clouds just come and go 40803 -- Florian Gutzwiller 40804% 40805Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down. 40806% 40807Rainy days and Mondays always get me down. 40808% 40809Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity. 40810% 40811Ralph's Observation: 40812It is a mistake to let any mechanical object 40813realise that you are in a hurry. 40814% 40815RAM wasn't built in a day. 40816% 40817Random, n.: 40818 as in number, predictable. 40819 as in memory access, unpredictable. 40820% 40821Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking. 40822% 40823Rascal, am I? Take THAT! 40824 -- Errol Flynn 40825% 40826Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer) 40827 40828Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose? 40829Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers? 40830Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties? 40831Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy? 40832Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick? 40833Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen 40834 or so pencils from marking the cloth? 40835Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name? 40836Is illegal fishing something only a daring criminal would do? 40837Is Batman your hero? Superman? Green Lantern? The Shadow? 40838Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose? 40839 408400-2 -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood. 408413-5 -- There is hope for you yet. 408426-7 -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City. 408438-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril. 4084411+ -- Does suicide seem attractive? 40845% 40846Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something I 40847saw at the airport... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of computer 40848magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport store. Does it 40849bother anyone else that half the world is being told all of our hard-won 40850secrets of computer technology? Remember how all the lawyers cried foul 40851when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are they taking no-fault 40852insurance lying down? No way! But at the current rate it won't be long 40853before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the 40854A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be impressed with us electrical 40855engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store? 40856 -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE president 40857% 40858Ray's Rule of Precision: 40859 Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. 40860% 40861Razors pain you; 40862Rivers are damp; 40863Acids stain you; 40864And drugs cause cramp. 40865Guns aren't lawful; 40866Nooses give; 40867Gas smells awful; 40868You might as well live. 40869 -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926 40870% 40871Re: Graphics: 40872 A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe 40873 the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately 40874 described with pictures. 40875% 40876Reach into the thoughts of friends, 40877And find they do not know your name. 40878Squeeze the teddy bear too tight, 40879And watch the feathers burst the seams. 40880Touch the stained glass with your cheek, 40881And feel its chill upon your blood. 40882Hold a candle to the night, 40883And see the darkness bend the flame. 40884Tear the mask of peace from God, 40885And hear the roar of souls in hell. 40886Pluck a rose in name of love, 40887And watch the petals curl and wilt. 40888Lean upon the western wind, 40889And know you are alone. 40890 -- Dru Mims 40891% 40892Reactor error - core dumped! 40893% 40894Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of 40895Congress. But I repeat myself. 40896 -- Mark Twain 40897% 40898Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own. 40899% 40900Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body. 40901% 40902Reagan can't act either. 40903% 40904Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic 40905value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is 40906much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice 40907this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA. 40908% 40909Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware 40910has limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing 40911machines are so poor at I/O. 40912% 40913Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are 40914so long they can't afford the disk space. 40915% 40916Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write 40917in anything less portable than a number two pencil. 40918% 40919Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with 40920`programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count 40921(and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications). 40922% 40923Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how 40924could they read their mail? 40925% 40926Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run on 40927future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo sapiens 40928will ever be able to fit on a single planet. 40929% 40930Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured 40931programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet- 40932trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise 40933clear desks. 40934% 40935Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine 40936doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell 40937quiche. 40938% 40939Real programmers don't document; if it was 40940hard to write, it should be hard to understand. 40941% 40942Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the 40943illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much 40944good it did them. 40945% 40946Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They eat Twinkies and Szechwan food. 40947% 40948Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires 40949you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers 40950wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly 40951spring up in the middle of the machine room. 40952% 40953Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write 40954in BASIC after reaching puberty. 40955% 40956Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress 40957freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who 40958wear white socks. 40959% 40960Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who 40961can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. 40962% 40963Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue. 40964% 40965Real programs don't eat cache. 40966% 40967Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use 40968functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them? 40969% 40970Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. 40971This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a 40972computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package. 40973% 40974Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and 40975greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any 40976moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that 40977systems could be virtual at *___all* levels. They would like personal 40978computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your 40979DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their 40980Correctness Verification Aid packages. 40981% 40982Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the 40983job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like 40984using an undocumented external procedure. 40985% 40986Real Time, adj.: 40987 Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there 40988 and then. 40989% 40990Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never 40991afraid to break your face. 40992% 40993Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts 40994down the system for days. 40995% 40996Real Users hate Real Programmers. 40997% 40998Real Users know your home telephone number. 40999% 41000Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your 41001program doesn't deliver it. 41002% 41003Real Users never use the Help key. 41004% 41005Real wealth can only increase. 41006 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 41007% 41008Real World, The n.: 41009 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may 41010be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To 41011programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related 41012to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and 41013tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 410144. The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university. 41015"Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used 41016pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking 41017of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a 41018deceased person. 41019% 41020Reality -- what a concept! 41021 -- Robin Williams 41022% 41023Reality always seems harsher in the early morning. 41024% 41025Reality does not exist - yet. 41026% 41027Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs. 41028% 41029Reality is an obstacle to hallucination. 41030% 41031Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth? 41032 -- Patrick Sky 41033% 41034Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs. 41035 -- Lily Tomlin 41036% 41037Reality is for people who lack imagination. 41038% 41039Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction. 41040% 41041Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity. 41042 -- Alvy Ray Smith 41043% 41044Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction. 41045% 41046Reality is nothing but a collective hunch. 41047 -- Lily Tomlin 41048% 41049Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away. 41050 -- Philip K. Dick 41051% 41052Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature 41053cannot be fooled. 41054 -- R. P. Feynman 41055% 41056Really?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!! 41057% 41058Reappraisal, n.: 41059 An abrupt change of mind after being found out. 41060% 41061Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it. 41062 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 41063% 41064Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than 41065being flat broke and having a stomach ache. 41066 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 41067% 41068Recent investments will yield a slight profit. 41069% 41070Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man 41071is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator. 41072 -- C. N. Parkinson 41073% 41074Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after 41075his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar. 41076"Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the 41077microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the 41078bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie 41079Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven." 41080Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says: 41081"'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!" 41082 -- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller 41083% 41084Reception area, n.: 41085 The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend 41086 innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade 41087 magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World, 41088 while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine -- 41089 Cosmopolitan. 41090% 41091Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you 41092lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, 41093but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and 41094Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions. 41095% 41096Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster: 41097 (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit 41098 (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of 41099 Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!) 41100 (3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the 41101 mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.) 41102 (4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it. 41103 (5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of 41104 Qualactin Hypermint extract. 41105 (6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve. 41106 (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor. 41107 (8) Add an olive. 41108 (9) Drink... but... very carefully... 41109 -- Douglas Adams 41110% 41111Reclaimer, spare that tree! 41112Take not a single bit! 41113It used to point to me, 41114Now I'm protecting it. 41115It was the reader's CONS 41116That made it, paired by dot; 41117Now, GC, for the nonce, 41118Thou shalt reclaim it not. 41119% 41120Recursion is the root of computation 41121since it trades description for time. 41122% 41123Recursion: n. See Recursion. 41124 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary 41125% 41126Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts, 41127administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate. 41128% 41129Regnant populi. 41130% 41131Regression analysis: 41132 Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are 41133 getting worse. 41134% 41135Reichel's Law: 41136 A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by 41137 an outside force. 41138% 41139Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child. 41140 -- Thomas Berger 41141% 41142Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: 41143 If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it. 41144% 41145Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest 41146knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die. 41147 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest" 41148% 41149...relaxed in the manner of a man who 41150has no need to put up a front of any kind. 41151 -- John Ball, "Mark One: the Dummy" 41152% 41153Reliable source, n.: 41154 The guy you just met. 41155% 41156Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin. 41157 -- Anatole France 41158% 41159Religion is a crutch, but that's okay... humanity is a cripple. 41160% 41161Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. 41162 -- Napoleon 41163% 41164Religions revolve madly around sexual questions. 41165% 41166Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our 41167extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille. 41168 -- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic 41169 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" 41170% 41171Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it. 41172 -- Dave Barry 41173% 41174Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%. 41175% 41176Remember Darwin; building a better 41177mousetrap merely results in smarter mice. 41178% 41179Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled 41180with one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two 41181deserts. 41182 -- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59 41183% 41184Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good 41185offense! 41186% 41187Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat. 41188% 41189Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 MPH are also timed for 70 MPH. 41190 -- Jim Samuels 41191% 41192Remember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn't 41193have an established user base. 41194% 41195Remember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over 41196the first one. 41197 -- Confusion 41198% 41199Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's 41200*not* the U.S. Army doing it! 41201 -- "Good Morning, Vietnam" 41202% 41203Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure 41204that you're the one holding it. 41205 -- Mr. Greenfatigues 41206% 41207Remember, no matter where you go, there you are. 41208 -- Buckaroo Banzai (Peter Weller) 41209 "The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai 41210 Across The Eighth Dimension" 41211% 41212Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. 41213 -- Dave Butler 41214% 41215Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when 41216you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. 41217 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 41218% 41219Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy. 41220 -- Hans Liepmann 41221% 41222Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be 41223worse in Cleveland. 41224 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 41225% 41226Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular? 41227% 41228Remember the... the... uhh..... 41229% 41230Remember thee 41231Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat 41232In this distracted globe. Remember thee! 41233Yea, from the table of my memory 41234I'll wipe away all trivial fond records, 41235All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past, 41236That youth and observation copied there. 41237 -- William Shakespeare, "Hamlet" 41238% 41239Remember to say hello to your bank teller. 41240% 41241Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. 41242 -- Mt. 41243% 41244Remember: use logout to logout. 41245% 41246Remembering is for those who have forgotten. 41247 -- Chinese proverb 41248% 41249Remove me from this land of slaves, 41250Where all are fools, and all are knaves, 41251Where every knave and fool is bought, 41252Yet kindly sells himself for nought; 41253 -- Jonathan Swift 41254% 41255Removing the straw that broke the camel's back 41256does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again. 41257% 41258Renning's Maxim: 41259 Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying. 41260% 41261Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late. 41262 -- Mark Twain 41263% 41264Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid. 41265 -- Indiana University football cheer 41266% 41267Reply hazy, ask again later. 41268% 41269Reporter: "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?" 41270Yogi Berra: "Closed." 41271% 41272Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?" 41273Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back." 41274% 41275Reporter, n.: 41276 A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a 41277 tempest of words. 41278 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 41279% 41280REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system? 41281 41282SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that 41283the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can 41284carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away." 41285I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind 41286of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to 41287do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of 41288ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we 41289need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political 41290career by being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but 41291that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I 41292can't help it. 41293 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" 41294% 41295Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): 41296 Mr. Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization? 41297Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea. 41298% 41299Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows. 41300Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes. 41301 41302Democrats eat the fish they catch. 41303Republicans hang them on the wall. 41304 41305Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry 41306Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first. 41307 41308Democrats make up plans and then do something else. 41309Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made. 41310 41311Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms. 41312That is why there are more Democrats. 41313 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules" 41314% 41315Reputation, adj.: 41316 What others are not thinking about you. 41317% 41318Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works 41319you're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- nobody else has done it yet either, 41320so you're still a valiant nerd. 41321% 41322Research is to see what everybody else has seen, 41323and think what nobody else has thought. 41324% 41325Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. 41326 -- Wernher von Braun 41327% 41328Research, n.: 41329 Consider Columbus: 41330 He didn't know where he was going. 41331 When he got there he didn't know where he was. 41332 When he got back he didn't know where he had been. 41333 And he did it all on someone else's money. 41334% 41335Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get 41336another chance later on. 41337% 41338Responsibility: 41339 Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility. This is 41340a lot of bunk. Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something 41341goes wrong. When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it 41342is to take the blame for your mistakes. If they're smart, that is. 41343 -- Cerebus, "On Governing" 41344% 41345Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you 41346actually have a shot at it. 41347% 41348Reunite Gondwanaland! 41349% 41350Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean? 41351Bobby: Slow down. 41352Rev. Jim: What... does... an... amber... light... mean? 41353Bobby: Slow down. 41354Rev. Jim: What.... does.... an.... amber.... light.... 41355% 41356Revenge is a form of nostalgia. 41357% 41358Revenge is a meal best served cold. 41359% 41360Review Questions 41361 41362(1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH, 41363 and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before 41364 he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the 41365 Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship? 41366 41367(2) If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks 41368 twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks 41369 every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off 41370 his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week? 41371 41372(3) If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers 41373 the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a 41374 pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King 41375 Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice? 41376% 41377Revolution, n: 41378 A form of government abroad. 41379% 41380Revolution, n.: 41381 In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. 41382 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 41383% 41384Revolutionary, adj.: 41385 Repackaged. 41386% 41387Rhode's Law: 41388 When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, 41389circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, 41390empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, 41391induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always 41392for the purpose of convenience, expediency, political advantage, 41393material gain, or personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or 41394none of the above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, 41395proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, 41396universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it 41397becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe. 41398% 41399Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men 41400should be happier than others. 41401 -- Oscar Wilde 41402% 41403Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life. 41404He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress, 41405lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the 41406world. 41407 -- Barry Goldwater 41408% 41409Riches cover a multitude of woes. 41410 -- Menander 41411% 41412Rick: "How can you close me up? On what grounds?" 41413Renault: "I'm shocked! Shocked! To find that gambling is 41414 going on here." 41415Croupier (handing money to Renault): 41416 "Your winnings, sir." 41417Renault: "Oh. Thank you very much." 41418 -- "Casablanca" (1942) 41419% 41420Riffle West Virginia is so small that the 41421Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk. 41422% 41423Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. 41424 -- Steven Wright 41425% 41426Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment. 41427 -- Aneurin Bevan 41428% 41429"Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither 41430machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not 41431rights, which they use or do not use. 41432 -- Lazarus Long 41433% 41434Ring around the collar. 41435% 41436Ritchie's Rule: 41437 (1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency. 41438 (2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job. 41439 (3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost. 41440% 41441Robot, n.: 41442 Someone who's been made by a scientist. 41443% 41444Robot, n.: 41445 University administrator. 41446% 41447Robustness, adj.: 41448 Never having to say you're sorry. 41449% 41450Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention 41451 Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will 41452 reject the proposal. 41453% 41454Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to 41455become necessary. 41456 -- Edgar Friedenberg 41457% 41458Rome was not built in one day. 41459 -- John Heywood 41460% 41461Rome wasn't burnt in a day. 41462% 41463ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much. 41464MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church- 41465 door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve. 41466% 41467Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill, 41468He jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still, 41469Juliet was waiting with a safety net, 41470Said "don't bury me 'cause I ain't dead yet". 41471 -- Elvis Costello 41472% 41473Romeo wasn't bilked in a day. 41474 -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With 41475 Pogo" 41476% 41477Roses are red; 41478 Violets are blue. 41479I'm schizophrenic, 41480 And so am I. 41481% 41482Rotten wood cannot be carved. 41483 -- Confucius, "Analects", Book 5, Ch. 9 41484% 41485Round Numbers are always false. 41486 -- Samuel Johnson 41487% 41488Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream... 41489% 41490Rubber bands have snappy endings! 41491% 41492Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?" 41493Yogi Berra: "You mean now?" 41494% 41495Rudd's Discovery: 41496 You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make 41497 $300,000 to $400,000, but they don't. Why? Because they can 41498 stay in Washington and make it there. 41499% 41500Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength. 41501% 41502Rudin's Law: 41503 If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it 41504every time. 41505% 41506Rudin's Second Law: 41507 In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative 41508courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible course. 41509% 41510Rugby, n.: 41511 Elegant violence. 41512 41513 (Rugby players eat their dead.) 41514 (Blood makes the grass grow!) 41515 (Support your local hooker! Play rugby!) 41516 41517 [A "hooker" is part of the scrum. Thought you'd want to know. Ed.] 41518% 41519RUGGED: 41520 Too heavy to lift. 41521% 41522Rule #1: 41523 The Boss is always right. 41524 41525Rule #2: 41526 If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1. 41527% 41528Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London: 41529 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall 41530be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person 41531shall be deemed to be a cat. 41532% 41533Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence. 41534 Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is 41535not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety. They simply may 41536sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after they 41537regain their composure. 41538% 41539Rule of Creative Research: 41540 (1) Never draw what you can copy. 41541 (2) Never copy what you can trace. 41542 (3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. 41543% 41544Rule of Defactualization: 41545 Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. 41546% 41547Rule of Feline Frustration: 41548 When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly 41549content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom. 41550% 41551Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage. 41552% 41553Rule of the Great: 41554 When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep 41555thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch. 41556% 41557Rule the Empire through force. 41558 -- Shogun Tokugawa 41559% 41560Rules: 41561 (1) The boss is always right. 41562 (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1. 41563% 41564Rules for Academic Deans: 41565 (1) HIDE!!!! 41566 (2) If they find you, LIE!!!! 41567 -- Father Damian C. Fandal 41568% 41569Rules for driving in New York: 41570 (1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal. 41571 (2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers on. 41572 (3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the 41573 intersection. 41574% 41575Rules for Good Grammar #4. 41576 1: Don't use no double negatives. 41577 2: Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents. 41578 3: Join clauses good, like a conjunction should. 41579 4: About them sentence fragments. 41580 5: When dangling, watch your participles. 41581 6: Verbs has got to agree with their subjects. 41582 7: Just between you and i, case is important. 41583 8: Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read. 41584 9: Don't use commas, which aren't necessary. 4158510: Try to not ever split infinitives. 4158611: It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly. 4158712: Proofread your writing to see if you any words out. 4158813: Correct speling is essential. 4158914: A preposition is something you never end a sentence with. 4159015: While a transcendent vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally 41591 careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not 41592 become ensconced in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation. 41593% 41594Rules for Writers: 41595 Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Don't use no double 41596negatives. Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate; 41597and never where it isn't. Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and 41598omit it when its not needed. No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are 41599unnecessary. Eschew dialect, irregardless. And don't start a sentence with 41600a conjunction. Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens. 41601Write all adverbial forms correct. Don't use contractions in formal writing. 41602Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. It is incumbent on 41603us to avoid archaisms. Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have 41604snuck in the language. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. If I've 41605told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole. Also, 41606avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Don't string too many prepositional 41607phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of 41608death. "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'" 41609% 41610RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED 41611 (1) Never eat on an empty stomach. 41612 (2) Never leave the table hungry. 41613 (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry. 41614 (4) Enjoy your food. 41615 (5) Enjoy your companion's food. 41616 (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to 41617 accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned. 41618 (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, 41619 for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a 41620 brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks? 41621 (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal. 41622 (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You 41623 can always eat it later. 41624 (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap. 41625 (11) Avoid blue food. 41626 -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet" 41627% 41628Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish. 41629 -- Lao Tsu 41630% 41631Rune's Rule: 41632 If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost. 41633% 41634Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant. 41635 -- John Cameron Swayze 41636% 41637Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching. Working once a week, 41638he might have lasted a long time and become a great star. 41639 -- Tris Speaker, commenting on Babe Ruth's plan to change 41640 from being a pitcher to an outfielder. 41641 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" 41642% 41643Ryan's Law: 41644 Make three correct guesses consecutively 41645 and you will establish yourself as an expert. 41646% 41647RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRY 41648RY RY 41649RY WELCOME TO THE BABBAGE ANALYTICAL TIMESHARING SERVICE RY 41650RY * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * RY 41651RY RY 41652RY PLEASE NOTE THAT THE INTEGRATOR IS CURRENTLY UNAVAILABLE RY 41653RY DUE TO THE WEEKLY GREASING SCHEDULE. WOULD ALL USERS KINDLY RY 41654RY RETURN ANY UNUSED PLUGBOARDS, AS THE PROGRAMMING TEAM ARE RY 41655RY RUNNING LOW. DIVISION UNIT 3 WILL BE OUT OF ACTION UNTIL RY 41656RY THURSDAY DUE TO EMERGENCY COG REPLACEMENT - PLEASE ENSURE RY 41657RY THAT YOUR PROGRAM DOES NOT ATTEMPT TO DIVIDE BY ZERO AS RY 41658RY THIS CAN CAUSE SEVERE DAMAGE (INCLUDING SHAFT BREAKAGES). RY 41659RY RY 41660RYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRYRY 41661. 41662. 41663SYSTEM READY. 41664? 41665 -- Chris Suslowicz 41666% 41667Sacher's Observation: 41668 Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell. 41669% 41670Sacred cows make great hamburgers. 41671% 41672SADISM: 41673 A sadist refusing to whip a masochist. 41674% 41675Sadoequinecrophilia, n.: 41676 Beating a dead horse. 41677% 41678Safety Third. 41679% 41680Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 41681 Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead. 41682 41683 1. Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, 41684 bugs, ants. 41685 2. Something is missing in your personal relationships. 41686 3. Your dog becomes overly affectionate. 41687 4. You have a hard time getting a waiter. 41688 5. Exotic birds flock around you. 41689 6. People ignore you at parties. 41690 7. You have a hard time getting up in the morning. 41691 8. You no longer get off on cocaine. 41692% 41693SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE: 41694 41695 In a recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the 41696Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government has offered 41697to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia into an international 41698space research facility in response to U.S. complaints that the radar would 41699violate the ABM treaty. Sagdeev suggested that the U.S. reciprocate by 41700turning the unfinished U.S. embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction 41701center. The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place. 41702% 41703SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) 41704 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless 41705 tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority 41706 of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People 41707 laugh at you a great deal. 41708% 41709SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) 41710 Move slowly today, be deliberate. Indications are for bleeding 41711 ulcers. Drink milk. Try not to be your usual offensive and 41712 obnoxious self. Call your mother. 41713% 41714SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22 - Dec.21) 41715 Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will 41716 backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus. Subdue 41717 impulse you have to push her out into traffic. 41718% 41719Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I 41720got started one night when George came home and found one burning in 41721the ashtray." 41722% 41723Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark. 41724 -- Heard on Noah's ark 41725% 41726Sailors in ships, sail on! 41727Even while we died, others rode out the storm. 41728% 41729Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent. 41730 -- George Orwell, "Reflections on Gandhi" 41731% 41732Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed 41733in small amounts over a long period of time. 41734 -- George Carlin 41735% 41736Sally: C'mon, Ted, all I'm asking you to do is share your feelings 41737 with me. 41738Ted: ALL? Do you realize what you're asking? Men aren't trained 41739 to share. We're trained to protect ourselves by not 41740 letting anyone too close. Good grief, if I go around 41741 sharing everything with you, you could hang me out to dry. 41742Sally: It's called "trust," Ted. 41743Ted: "Sharing"? "Trust"? You're really asking me to sail into 41744 uncharted waters here. 41745 -- Sally Forth 41746% 41747Sam: What's going on, Normie? 41748Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in 41749 it, and I'll blow out my liver. 41750 -- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone 41751 41752Woody: Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin? 41753Norm: Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut. 41754 Found him every couple of blocks. 41755 -- Cheers, Head Over Hill 41756% 41757Sam: What do you know there, Norm? 41758Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me? 41759 -- Cheers, Loverboyd 41760 41761Sam: Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm? 41762Norm: Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead. 41763 -- Cheers, Loverboyd 41764 41765Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson? 41766Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room. 41767 -- Cheers, Loverboyd 41768% 41769Sam: What's the good word, Norm? 41770Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz. 41771Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer... 41772Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah... 41773Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up. 41774 -- Cheers, I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday 41775 41776Sam: Whaddya say, Norm? 41777Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes. 41778 -- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor 41779 41780Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson? 41781Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer. 41782 -- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie 41783% 41784Sam: What do you say, Norm? 41785Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer. 41786 -- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love and Rice 41787 41788Sam: What do you say to a beer, Normie? 41789Norm: Hiya, sailor. New in town? 41790 -- Cheers, Woody Goes Belly Up 41791 41792Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody. 41793All: Norm! (Norman.) 41794Sam: Still pouring, Norm? 41795Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing. 41796 -- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare 41797% 41798Sam: What's new, Norm? 41799Norm: Most of my wife. 41800 -- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One 41801 41802Coach: Beer, Norm? 41803Norm: Naah, I'd probably just drink it. 41804 -- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone 41805 41806Coach: What's doing, Norm? 41807Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen 41808 to be the guinea pig. 41809 -- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways 41810% 41811SAN DIEGO: 41812 Four million people, where you can't get a 41813 good cheeseburger, no matter how hard you try. 41814% 41815San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city. I don't mean the 41816people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy. When 41817they boo you, you know they mean *you*. Music, that's what it is to me. 41818One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo. 41819 -- George Halas, professional football coach 41820% 41821San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. 41822 -- Herb Caen 41823% 41824San Francisco, n.: 41825 Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse. 41826% 41827Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line. 41828% 41829Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind. 41830 -- Mark Harrold 41831% 41832Sank heaven for leetle curls. 41833% 41834Santa Claus is watching! 41835% 41836Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, 41837 He must be a communist. 41838And a beard and long hair, 41839 Must be a pacifist. 41840 41841 What's in that pipe that he's smoking? 41842 -- Arlo Guthrie 41843% 41844Santa Claus wears a red suit 41845He's a Communist. 41846 41847He has long hair and a beard 41848Must be a pacifist. 41849 41850And what's in the pipe that he's smoking? 41851 41852Santa Claus comes in your house at night. 41853He must be a dope fiend to get you up tight. 41854 41855Why do police guys beat on peace guys? 41856 -- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus" 41857% 41858Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. 41859% 41860Satellite Safety Tip #14: 41861 If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck. 41862% 41863Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone. 41864% 41865Satire is tragedy plus time. 41866 -- Lenny Bruce 41867% 41868Satire is what closes in New Haven. 41869% 41870Satire is what closes Saturday night. 41871 -- George Kaufman 41872% 41873Sattinger's Law: 41874 It works better if you plug it in. 41875% 41876Saturday night in Toledo Ohio, 41877Is like being nowhere at all, 41878All through the day how the hours rush by, 41879You sit in the park and you watch the grass die. 41880 -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio" 41881% 41882Satyrs have more faun. 41883% 41884Sauron is alive in Argentina! 41885% 41886Savage's Law of Expediency: 41887 You want it bad, you'll get it bad. 41888% 41889Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be 41890surprised at how little you have. 41891 -- Ernest Haskins 41892% 41893Save a tree -- kill an ISO working group today. 41894 -- Jason Zions 41895% 41896Save energy: Drive a smaller shell. 41897% 41898Save energy: be apathetic. 41899% 41900Save gas, don't eat beans. 41901% 41902Save gas, don't use the shell. 41903% 41904Save the bales! 41905% 41906Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 41907% 41908Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda. 41909% 41910Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds! 41911% 41912Say! You've struck a heap of trouble-- 41913Bust in business, lost your wife; 41914No one cares a cent about you, 41915You don't care a cent for life; 41916Hard luck has of hope bereft you, 41917Health is failing, wish you'd die-- 41918Why, you've still the sunshine left you 41919And the big blue sky. 41920 -- R. W. Service 41921% 41922Say it with flowers, 41923Or say it with mink, 41924But whatever you do, 41925Don't say it with ink! 41926 -- Jimmie Durante 41927% 41928Say many of cameras focused t'us, 41929Our middle-aged shots do us justice. 41930No justice, please, curse ye! 41931We really want mercy: 41932You see, 'tis the justice, disgusts us. 41933 -- Thomas H. Hildebrandt 41934% 41935Say my love is easy had, 41936Say I'm bitten raw with pride, 41937Say I am too often sad -- 41938Still behold me at your side. 41939 41940Say I'm neither brave nor young, 41941Say I woo and coddle care, 41942Say the devil touched my tongue, 41943Still you have my heart to wear. 41944 41945But say my verses do not scan, 41946And I get me another man! 41947 -- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words" 41948% 41949Say no, then negotiate. 41950 -- Helga 41951% 41952Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies. 41953% 41954Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout. 41955% 41956SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! 41957 -- Ken Thompson 41958% 41959SCENARIO: 41960 An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in 41961 which a business decision is made. Scenarios always come in 41962 sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case. 41963% 41964Scenary is here, wish you were beautiful. 41965% 41966Scene: 41967 A small boy stands agasp on the stairway overlooking the living 41968room. A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and 41969white belled cap hunches over the fireplace, obviously interrupted in 41970filling stockings with packages taken from a huge bag slung over his 41971shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly, as he spies the boy 41972intently watching him. 41973 41974Caption: 41975 I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy. Now I'll have to kill you. 41976% 41977Schapiro's Explanation: 41978 The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's 41979because they use more manure. 41980% 41981Schizophrenia beats being alone. 41982% 41983Schlattwhapper, n.: 41984 The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down, 41985 hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face. 41986 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 41987% 41988Schmidt's Observation: 41989 All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap 41990 than a thin person. 41991% 41992Schnuffel, n.: 41993 A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in 41994 mixed company. 41995 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 41996% 41997Schwiggle, n.: 41998 The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a pencil. 41999 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 42000% 42001Science and religion are in full accord but 42002science and faith are in complete discord. 42003% 42004Science Fiction, Double Feature. 42005Frank has built and lost his creature. 42006Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet. 42007The servants gone to a distant planet. 42008Wo, oh, oh, oh. 42009At the late night, double feature, Picture show. 42010I want to go, oh, oh, oh. 42011To the late night, double feature, Picture show. 42012 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show 42013% 42014Science is built up of facts, as a house is with stones. But a 42015collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones 42016is a house. 42017 -- Jules Henri Poincare 42018% 42019Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made 42020of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts 42021is not necessarily science. 42022 -- Jules Henri Poincar'e 42023% 42024Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes 42025out, but that is not the reason we are doing it 42026 -- Richard Feynman 42027% 42028Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing. 42029% 42030Science is what happens when preconception meets verification. 42031% 42032Science may someday discover what faith has always known. 42033% 42034Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art! 42035Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes. 42036Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart, 42037Vulture, whose wings are dull realities? 42038How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise? 42039Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering 42040To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies, 42041Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing? 42042Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car? 42043And driven the Hamadryad from the wood 42044To seek a shelter in some happier star? 42045Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood, 42046The Elfin from the green grass, and from me 42047The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree? 42048 -- Edgar Allan Poe, "Science, a Sonnet" 42049% 42050Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it. 42051 -- William F. Buckley 42052 42053% 42054Scientists still know less about what attracts men 42055than they do about what attracts mosquitoes. 42056 -- Dr. Joyce Brothers, 42057 "What Every Woman Should Know About Men" 42058% 42059Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question. 42060They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that 42061was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were 42062linked together. They asked the question, "Is there a God?". Lights 42063started blinking, flashing and blinking some more. Suddenly, there 42064was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky, 42065struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently 42066together. "There is now", came the reply. 42067% 42068Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific, 42069Fain how I pause at your nature specific, 42070Loftily poised in the ether capacious, 42071Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous. 42072Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific, 42073Fain how I pause at your nature specific. 42074% 42075Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance. 42076% 42077SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) 42078 You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will 42079 achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of 42080 ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered. 42081% 42082SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) 42083 Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans. Smile. Check 42084 for concealed weapons. Your natural cheerfulness makes others want 42085 to throw up. Knock it off. 42086% 42087SCORPIO (Oct.24 - Nov.21) 42088 You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million 42089 dollars in prizes. It will be from a magazine trying to get you to 42090 subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance 42091 to win. You never learn. 42092% 42093Scott's first Law: 42094 No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. 42095% 42096Scott's second Law: 42097 When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found 42098to have been wrong in the first place. 42099 42100Corollary: 42101 After the correction has been found in error, it will be 42102impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation. 42103% 42104Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it! 42105Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock? 42106Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table. 42107Kirk: Then it's of external origin? 42108Spock: Affirmative. 42109Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two. 42110Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two. 42111% 42112Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else. 42113% 42114Scribline, n.: 42115 The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's 42116 signature goes. 42117 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 42118% 42119Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the 42120Presidency. 42121 -- Richard M. Nixon 42122% 42123'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky! 42124 -- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix 42125% 42126Sears has everything. 42127% 42128Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks. 42129% 42130Second Law of Business Meetings: 42131 If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you 42132 will pick the wrong one. 42133 42134Corollary: 42135 If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it 42136wrong, anyway. 42137% 42138Second Law of Final Exams: 42139 In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most 42140 distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you. 42141% 42142Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny. 42143% 42144Secretary's Revenge: 42145 Filing almost everything under "the". 42146% 42147Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State). 42148 In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a 42149multiline message byte. 42150 In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message 42151must be sent passive true. 42152 The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter: 42153 (1) The ANRS if DAV is false 42154 (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither: 42155 (a) The LADS is active 42156 (b) Nor LACS is active 42157 42158 -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for 42159 Programmable Instrumentation 42160% 42161Security check: INTRUDER ALERT! 42162% 42163Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes? 42164[Who guards the Guardians?] 42165% 42166Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. 42167She scissored short. Sorely shorn, 42168Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, 42169Silently scheming, 42170Sightlessly seeking 42171Some savage, spectacular suicide. 42172 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 42173% 42174See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... in a way ... 42175% 42176See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause 42177the second one should have seen it. 42178% 42179Seeing a commotion in Harvard Square, a man strolled over and asked what 42180was going on. One of the onlookers explained to him that there was a Mooney 42181who had immersed himself in gasoline and was threatening to set fire to 42182himself to demonstrate his commitment to the Rev. Moon. The man gasped and 42183asked what was being done to defuse the obviously dangerous situation. 42184 "Well", replied the onlooker, "we're taking up a collection -- so 42185far I've got two Bics, four Zippos and eighteen books of matches." 42186% 42187Seeing is believing. 42188You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it. 42189% 42190Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing. 42191 -- James Thurber 42192% 42193Seeing that death, a necessary end, 42194Will come when it will come. 42195 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 42196% 42197Seek simplicity -- and distrust it. 42198 -- Alfred North Whitehead 42199% 42200Seems a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were 42201driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out. They screamed down the 42202mountain, gaining speed, but finally managed to grind to a halt, more by 42203luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged 42204rocks. They all got out of the car: 42205 The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it." 42206 The systems analyst said, "No, no, I think we should take it 42207into town and have a specialist look at it." 42208 The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back 42209in and see if it does it again." 42210% 42211Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription 42212counter and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help 42213you?". 42214 The duck replies, "Yes, I'd like a box of condoms, please." 42215 "Certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would 42216you like me to put it on your bill?" 42217 Snarls the duck, "Just what kind of duck do you think I am?" 42218% 42219Seems like this farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans 42220to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, 42221the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around. 42222During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's 42223work, praying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your 42224dreams!" 42225 A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. 42226Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is 42227completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and 42228other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields 42229are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. 42230"Look what God and you have accomplished together!" 42231 "Yes, reverend," replies the farmer, "but remember what the farm was 42232like when God was working it alone!" 42233% 42234Seems like this guy wanders into a rural outfitting store in Alaska, 42235and starts talking to a rather grizzled old man sitting by the cash 42236register. 42237 "Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?" 42238 "Yeah, you could say that," answers the old man. 42239 "GRIZZLIES?!?!" 42240 "A few." 42241 "Got any bear bells?" 42242 "What's that?" 42243 "You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so 42244bears know yer there so's they can run away ... I'll take one fer black 42245bears, and one fer them grizzlies. Say, how do you know yer in grizzly 42246country, anyhow?" 42247 "Look fer scat. Grizzly scat's different from black bear scat." 42248 "Well now, what's IN grizzly scat that's different?" 42249 "Bear bells." 42250% 42251Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll. 42252Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on the meat shortage?" 42253 42254In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?" 42255In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?" 42256In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?" 42257In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?" 42258% 42259Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his 42260doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man 42261that the only thing for his headaches was castration. After a few more 42262months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation. 42263Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously, 42264and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better. 42265He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him 42266up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve." 42267 The guy is amazed. "How'd you know?" 42268 "Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within 42269a quarter inch on every piece of clothing." The salesman's claim is borne 42270out. Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long. And so on and so forth. 42271When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy 42272some new underwear. 42273 The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34." 42274 "No, that's wrong," says the man. "I've always worn a 32." The 42275salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far. The man argues, agreeing 42276that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts. 42277 Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you, 42278you *have* to wear a 34. Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches." 42279% 42280Seems this guy showed up at a party, and all of his friends jumped for 42281Joy. But she sidestepped, and they missed. 42282% 42283Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow! 42284 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 42285% 42286Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine: 42287 Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily. 42288% 42289Self Test for Paranoia: 42290 You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's 42291 your own fault. 42292% 42293Seminars, n.: 42294 From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion. 42295% 42296semper en excretus 42297% 42298SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!! 42299% 42300Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would 42301 notify you if the record has pornographic material or 42302 material glorifying violence?" 42303Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me." 42304Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's 42305 legs on the album cover is good indication that it's 42306 not for little Johnny." 42307 42308 -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock 42309 lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985 42310% 42311Senate, n.: 42312 A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and 42313 misdemeanors. 42314 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 42315% 42316Send some filthy mail. 42317% 42318Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root. 42319 -- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Installation Guide" 42320% 42321SENILITY: 42322 The state of mind of elderly persons 42323 with whom one happens to disagree. 42324% 42325Senor Castro has been accused of communist sympathies, but this means very 42326little since all opponents of the regime are automatically called communists. 42327In fact he is further to the right than General Batista. 42328 -- "Cuba's Rightist Rebel", The Economist, April 26, 1958 42329% 42330Sentient plasmoids are a gas. 42331% 42332Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share. 42333 -- Graham Greene 42334% 42335SERENDIPITY: 42336 The process by which human knowledge is advanced. 42337% 42338Serenity through viciousness. 42339% 42340Serfs up! 42341 -- Spartacus 42342% 42343Serocki's Stricture: 42344 Marriage is always a bachelor's last option. 42345% 42346Serving coffee on an aircraft causes turbulence. 42347% 42348Set the cart before the horse. 42349 -- John Heywood 42350% 42351Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a 42352swank hotel in New York. Most of the major stars of the chess world were 42353there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages 42354retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment. In the lobby, 42355some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the 42356fastest, and the best chess player in the world. The argument got quite 42357loud, as various players claimed that honor. At that point, a security 42358guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's 42359anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." 42360% 42361Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a 42362big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at 42363reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's 42364build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up 42365like crabgrass all over the United States. 42366 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 42367% 42368Sex and drugs and rock and roll, 42369Is all my brain and body need. 42370Sex and drugs and rock and roll, 42371Are very good indeed. 42372 42373Take your silly ways, 42374Throw them out the window, 42375The wisdom of your ways, 42376I've been there and I know, 42377Lots of other ways... 42378 -- Ian Drury, "New Boots and Panties" 42379% 42380Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly. 42381% 42382Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it. 42383 -- Lewis Grizzard 42384% 42385Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke. 42386% 42387Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich. But a cheese sandwich, 42388if you ain't got one to put in your belly, is extremely important. 42389 -- Ian Dury 42390% 42391Sex is an emotion in motion. 42392 -- Mae West 42393% 42394Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is 42395for diet Coke. 42396 -- Malcolm MacDougall 42397% 42398Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn. 42399 -- Garrison Keillor 42400% 42401Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad, 42402it's still darn tasty! 42403% 42404Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. 42405 -- Swami X 42406% 42407Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. 42408 -- M. C. Reed 42409% 42410Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the 42411most amount of trouble. 42412 -- John Barrymore 42413% 42414Sex without class consciousness cannot give satisfaction, even if it is 42415repeated until infinity. 42416 -- Aldo Brandirali (Secretary of the Italian Marxist-Leninist 42417 Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines, 42418 1973. 42419% 42420Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, 42421it's one of the best. 42422 -- Woody Allen 42423% 42424Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon 42425how children do not come into the world. 42426 -- Karl Kraus 42427% 42428Shah, shah! Ayatulla you so! 42429% 42430Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight: 42431always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary? 42432 -- J. M. Barrie 42433% 42434Shame is an improper emotion invented by 42435pietists to oppress the human race. 42436 -- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria" 42437% 42438Shamus, n. [Yiddish]: 42439 A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the 42440temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. 42441 A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagogue 42442functionaries, and there's a joke about that: 42443 A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the 42444middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be 42445bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" 42446 The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I 42447am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks 42448he's nobody!" 42449 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 42450% 42451Shannon's Observation 42452 Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation 42453 that is beginning to improve. 42454% 42455Share, n.: 42456 To give in, endure humiliation. 42457% 42458Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off 42459during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. 42460 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 42461 Teen Should Know" 42462% 42463Shaw's Principle: 42464 Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will 42465 want to use it. 42466% 42467She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking 42468good. 42469 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" 42470% 42471She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge, 42472containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax 42473for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having 42474the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours after use. 42475 42476In 1924 the New York Board of Health considered banning lipstick, 42477not because it was hazardous to the wearers but because of "the 42478worry that it might poison the men who kissed the women who wore it." 42479 -- David Bodanis, "The Secret House" 42480% 42481She asked me, "What's your sign?" 42482I blinked and answered "Neon," 42483I thought I'd blow her mind... 42484% 42485She been married so many times 42486she got rice marks all over her face. 42487 -- Tom Waits 42488% 42489She blinded me with science! 42490% 42491She can kill all your files; 42492She can freeze with a frown. 42493And a wave of her hand brings the whole system down. 42494And she works on her code until ten after three. 42495She lives like a bat but she's always a hacker to me. 42496 -- Apologies to Billy Joel 42497% 42498She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook. 42499 -- Tommy Manville 42500% 42501She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring - they applaud. 42502% 42503She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to. 42504 -- Gypsy Rose Lee 42505% 42506She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot. 42507 -- Mark Twain 42508% 42509She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few 42510years, enjoyed herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and 42511left. Excited a few men in the meantime. 42512 -- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's 42513 involvement in "The Avengers". 42514% 42515She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them 42516were bad. 42517% 42518She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him 42519a look that you could have poured on a waffle. 42520% 42521She often gave herself very good advice 42522(though she very seldom followed it). 42523 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) 42524% 42525She ran the gamut of emotions from "A" to "B". 42526 -- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance 42527% 42528She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you. 42529Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored 42530women the world would be a different place, I can tell you. 42531 -- Alice Walker, "The Color Purple" 42532% 42533She sells cshs by the cshore. 42534% 42535She stood on the tracks 42536Waving her arms 42537Leading me to that third rail shock 42538Quick as a wink 42539She changed her mind 42540 42541She gave me a night 42542That's all it was 42543What will it take until I stop 42544Kidding myself 42545Wasting my time 42546 42547There's nothing else I can do 42548'Cause I'm doing it all for Leyna 42549I don't want anyone new 42550'Cause I'm living it all for Leyna 42551There's nothing in it for you 42552'Cause I'm giving it all to Leyna 42553 -- Billy Joel, "All for Leyna" (Glass Houses) 42554% 42555She was bred in ol' Kentucky 42556But she's just a crumb up here 42557She was knock-knee'd and double-jointed 42558With a cauliflower ear 42559Someday we will be married 42560And if vegetables become too dear 42561I'll just cut me a slice of 42562Her cauliflower ear! 42563 -- Curly Howard, "The Three Stooges" 42564% 42565She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is 42566good at being short. 42567 -- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe 42568% 42569She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still. 42570% 42571She was only a mortician's daughter but anyone cadaver. 42572% 42573She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n! The batteries are dead! 42574% 42575Shedenhelm's Law: 42576 All trails have more uphill sections 42577 than they have downhill sections. 42578% 42579"Shelter", what a nice name for a place where you polish your cat. 42580% 42581Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then 42582turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a 42583bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last 42584night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British 42585aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.' 42586 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton 42587 bad fiction contest. 42588% 42589Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have taken 42590him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an excess 42591of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature. 42592 -- Samuel Johnson 42593% 42594She's genuinely bogus. 42595% 42596She's learned to say things with her eyes 42597that others waste time putting into words. 42598% 42599She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer. 42600% 42601She's such a kinky girl, 42602The kind you don't take home to mother. 42603She will never let your spirits down 42604Once you get her off the street. 42605% 42606She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. 42607 -- Mae West 42608% 42609Shhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet! I'm hunting wabbits... 42610% 42611Shick's Law: 42612 There is no problem a good miracle can't solve. 42613% 42614Shift to the left, 42615Shift to the right, 42616Mask in, mask out, 42617BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!! 42618% 42619Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there. 42620% 42621Shirley MacLaine died today in a freak psychic collision today. Two freaks 42622in a van [Oh no!! It's the Copyright Police!!] Her aura-charred body was 42623laid to rest after a eulogy by Jackie Collins, fellow member of SAFE [Society 42624of Asinine Flake Entertainers]. Excerpted from some of his more quotable 42625comments: 42626 42627 "Truly a woman of the times. These times, those times..." 42628 "A Renaissance woman. Why in 1432..." 42629 "A man for all seasons. Really..." 42630 42631After the ceremony, Shirley thanked her mourners and explained how delightful 42632it was to "get it together" again, presumably referring to having her now dead 42633body join her long dead brain. 42634% 42635Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, 42636they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee. 42637 -- Terry Southern 42638% 42639Short people get rained on last. 42640% 42641Show business is just like high school, except you get paid. 42642 -- Martin Mull 42643% 42644Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot. 42645Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade. 42646 -- Leo Durocher 42647% 42648Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is 42649playing golf with his boss. 42650% 42651Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change. 42652% 42653Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response. 42654% 42655Showing up is 80% of life. 42656 -- Woody Allen 42657% 42658Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer. 42659 -- Voltaire 42660% 42661Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. 42662[If youth but knew, if old age but could.] 42663 -- Henri Estienne 42664% 42665Sic transit gloria Monday! 42666% 42667Sic transit gloria mundi. 42668[So passes away the glory of this world.] 42669 -- Thomas a Kempis 42670% 42671Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi. 42672% 42673Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art. 42674% 42675Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips. 42676% 42677Signals don't kill programs. Programs kill programs. 42678% 42679Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help. 42680 -- The Brown University Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet 42681% 42682Silence can be the biggest lie of all. We have a responsibility to speak 42683up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to 42684raise bloody hell. 42685 -- Herbert Block 42686% 42687Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves. 42688 -- Thomas Carlyle 42689% 42690Silence is the only virtue you have left. 42691% 42692sillema sillema nika su 42693[translation: look it up...hint-fin] 42694% 42695Silly Sally was baby sitting. But Silly Sally was getting bored. Thinking 42696a walk would help, she put the baby in his carriage. Silly Sally pushed the 42697carriage and pushed the carriage up this hill and down that one. She pushed 42698the carriage up the highest hill in town, and ALL OF A SUDDEN! It slipped out 42699of her hands (OH! NO!) and it was headed at high speed for the busiest 42700intersection in town. BUT! 42701 42702Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d........... 42703BECAUSE! SHE KNEW THERE WAS A STOP SIGN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL! 42704 42705Silly Sally was playing in the garage. And she was being disobedient. 42706She was playing with matches... AND... She burned down the garage. 42707(OHHHHHH) Silly Sally's mother said, "Silly Sally! You have been naughty! 42708And when your father gets home, you are going to get a good licking!" BUT! 42709 42710Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d........... 42711BECAUSE! SHE KNEW HER FATHER WAS IN THE GARAGE WHEN SHE BURNED IT DOWN! 42712% 42713Silverman's Law: 42714 If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. 42715% 42716Simon's Law: 42717 Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. 42718% 42719Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it. 42720% 42721Simulated fortune: 42722 42723 The head and in frontal attack on an english writer that the 42724 character of this point is therefore another method for the 42725 letters that the time of who ever told the problem for an 42726 unexpected. 42727 42728 -- by Claude E. Shannon 42729% 42730Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials. 42731 -- Hubert Kirrman 42732% 42733Sin boldly. 42734 -- Martin Luther 42735% 42736Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all. 42737% 42738Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. 42739All other "sins" are invented nonsense. 42740(Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid). 42741 -- Lazarus Long 42742% 42743Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised 42744when others believe him. 42745 -- Charles DeGaulle 42746% 42747Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace! 42748% 42749Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space, 42750cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward 42751this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune. 42752% 42753Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is, 42754having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well 42755burst out in laughter. 42756 -- Long Chen Pa 42757% 42758Since I hurt my pendulum 42759My life is all erratic. 42760My parrot, who was cordial, 42761Is now transmitting static. 42762The carpet died, a palm collapsed, 42763The cat keeps doing poo. 42764The only thing that keeps me sane 42765Is talking to my shoe. 42766 -- My Shoe 42767% 42768Since we cannot hope for order, let us withdraw with style from the chaos. 42769 -- Tom Stoppard 42770% 42771Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're 42772alive. 42773 -- John Sloan 42774% 42775Since we're all here, we must not be all there. 42776 -- Bob "Mountain" Beck 42777% 42778Sink or Swim with Teddy! 42779% 42780Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever. 42781% 42782Sir, it's quite possible this asteroid is not entirely stable. 42783 -- C-3PO 42784% 42785[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the 42786vices I admire. 42787 -- Winston Churchill 42788% 42789Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of 42790Eden, and getting pretty desperate. "God!" he cried, "rescue me from 42791loneliness and despair! Send some company for Your sake!" 42792 42793God replied "OK, I have just the thing. Keep you warm and relaxed all 42794the days of your life. Never complains. Looks up to you in every way. 42795It'll cost you though". 42796 42797"Sounds ideal" said Adam. "The society of the beasts of the field and 42798the birds of the air palls after a while. What's the price?" 42799 42800"An arm and a leg", said God. 42801 42802Adam thought about it for a bit and finally sighed. "So, what can I get 42803for a rib?" 42804% 42805Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful 42806objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill 42807gives us modern art. 42808 -- Tom Stoppard 42809% 42810Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor): 42811 That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, 42812 or subtracted from the answer you got, gives you the answer you 42813 should have gotten. 42814% 42815skldfjkljklsR%^&(IXDRTYju187pkasdjbasdfbuil 42816h;asvgy8p 23r1vyui135 2 42817kmxsij90TYDFS$$b jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j nk;<[][;-==-<<<<<';[, 42818 [hjioasdvbnuio;buip^&(FTSD$%*VYUI:buio;sdf}[asdf'] 42819 sdoihjfh(_YU*G&F^*CTY98y 42820 42821 42822Now look what you've gone and done! You've broken it! 42823% 42824Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes 42825to work. 42826% 42827Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, 42828when a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and 42829apparently incoherent songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I 42830neither saw nor heard as those without might see and hear. They told a 42831tale which was then altogether beyond my feeble comprehension: they 42832were tones, loud, long and deep, breathing the prayer and complaint of 42833souls boiling over with the bitterest anguish. Every tone was a 42834testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God for deliverance from 42835chains. 42836 -- Frederick Douglass 42837% 42838Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink. 42839 -- W. C. Fields 42840% 42841Sleep is for the weak and sickly. 42842% 42843Slick's Three Laws of the Universe: 42844 (1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad 42845 check. 42846 (2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. 42847 (3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is 42848 attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is 42849 attracted to dark objects. 42850% 42851Slous' Contention: 42852 If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it. 42853% 42854Slow day. 42855Practice crawling. 42856% 42857Slowly and surely the Unix crept up on the Nintendo user ... 42858% 42859Slurm, n.: 42860 The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when 42861 it sits in the dish too long. 42862 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 42863% 42864Small change can often be found under seat cushions. 42865% 42866Small is beautiful. 42867 -- Schumacher's Dictum 42868% 42869Small things make base men proud. 42870 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 42871% 42872Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my 42873teacher was in my class for five years. 42874 -- George Burns 42875% 42876Smear the road with a runner!! 42877% 42878Smile! You're on Candid Camera. 42879% 42880Smile, Cthulhu Loathes You. 42881% 42882Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult. 42883 -- Fran Lebowitz 42884% 42885SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!! 42886 Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the 42887 U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS), 42888 describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on 42889 the environment, and anticipated opposition. Statements must be 42890 filed 30 days in advance. 42891% 42892Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. 42893 -- Fletcher Knebel 42894% 42895Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts. 42896% 42897Smuggling... It's not just a job, it's an adventure! 42898 -- paid for by your local Colombian recruiting office 42899% 42900Snacktrek, n.: 42901 The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly 42902 returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will 42903 have materialized. 42904 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 42905% 42906Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes? 42907% 42908SNAPPY REPARTEE: 42909 What you'd say if you had another chance. 42910% 42911Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can't be run away from. 42912% 42913Snow and adolescence are the only problems 42914that disappear if you ignore them long enough. 42915% 42916Snow Day -- stay home. 42917% 42918Snow White has become a camera buff. She spends hours and hours 42919shooting pictures of the seven dwarfs and their antics. Then she 42920mails the exposed film to a cut rate photo service. It takes weeks 42921for the developed film to arrive in the mail, but that is all right 42922with Snow White. She clears the table, washes the dishes and sweeps 42923the floor, all the while singing "Someday my prints will come." 42924% 42925So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate 42926your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and 42927hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast 42928array of 8-millimeter video equipment. 42929 42930... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you 42931were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format 42932that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as 42933toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be 42934made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a 42935format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*. 42936 -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics 42937 Revolution" 42938% 42939So... did you ever wonder, do garbage men take showers before they 42940go to work? 42941% 42942So do the noble fall. For they are ever caught in a trap of their own making. 42943A trap -- walled by duty, and locked by reality. Against the greater force 42944they must fall -- for, against that force they fight because of duty, because 42945of obligations. And when the noble fall, the base remain. The base -- whose 42946only purpose is the corruption of what the noble did protect. Whose only 42947purpose is to destroy. The noble: who, even when fallen, retain a vestige of 42948strength. For theirs is a strength born of things other than mere force. 42949Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength -- to restore. 42950 -- Gerry Conway, "Thor", #193 42951% 42952So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in 42953praise of intelligence. 42954 -- Bertrand Russell 42955% 42956So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far 42957as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical 42958way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist. 42959 -- T. S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire 42960% 42961So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course 42962of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a 42963friendly basis -- great Dirbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth 42964could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could 42965use; mighty Dirbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely- 42966for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible 42967the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to 42968extrapolate the location of their kitchens). 42969 -- T. Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost" 42970% 42971So... how come the Corinthians never wrote back? 42972% 42973So, if there's no God, who changes the water? 42974 -- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl 42975% 42976So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face. 42977 -- Yogi Berra 42978% 42979So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as 42980large as it needs to be? 42981% 42982So little time, so little to do. 42983 -- Oscar Levant 42984% 42985So live that you wouldn't be ashamed 42986to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. 42987% 42988So many beautiful women and so little time. 42989 -- John Barrymore 42990% 42991So many men and so little time. 42992% 42993So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way. 42994 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 42995% 42996So many women, and so little time! 42997% 42998So many women, so little nerve. 42999% 43000So much food, and so little time! 43001% 43002So much 43003depends 43004upon 43005a red 43006 43007wheel 43008barrow 43009glazed with 43010 43011rain 43012water 43013beside 43014the white 43015chickens. 43016 -- William Carlos Williams, "The Red Wheel Barrow" 43017% 43018So now 43019that you have- 43020 43021you know, whoever 43022 43023you're trying 43024to do 43025 43026a favor 43027for 43028 43029-you've done it- 43030 43031and I'm sure 43032you had 43033 43034a smirk 43035on your mouth 43036 43037as you got me 43038into this. 43039 -- "To Linda", from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot, 43040 composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public 43041 Radio. From SPY Magazine, November 1992 43042% 43043So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple pie; and 43044at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops its head into 43045the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very imprudently married 43046the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, and the Grand Panjandrum 43047himself, with the little round button at top, and they all fell to playing 43048the game of catch as catch can, till the gunpowder ran out at the heels of 43049their boots. 43050 -- Samuel Foote 43051% 43052So so is good, very good, very excellent good: 43053and yet it is not; it is but so so. 43054 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" 43055% 43056So... so you think you can tell 43057Heaven from Hell? 43058Blue skies from pain? Did they get you to trade 43059Can you tell a green field Your heroes for ghosts? 43060From a cold steel rail? Hot ashes for trees? 43061A smile from a veil? Hot air for a cool breeze? 43062Do you think you can tell? Cold comfort for change? 43063 Did you exchange 43064 A walk on part in a war 43065 For the lead role in a cage? 43066 -- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here" 43067% 43068So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? And why can't he ever 43069remember his Bible? 43070% 43071So, you better watch out! 43072You better not cry! 43073You better not pout! 43074I'm telling you why, 43075Santa Claus is coming, to town. 43076 43077He knows when you've been sleeping, 43078He know when you're awake. 43079He knows if you've been bad or good, 43080He has ties with the CIA. 43081So... 43082% 43083So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality 43084all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have 43085tomorrow, why, it already happened. You see, it's just a little universal 43086recursive joke which threads our lives through the infinite potential of 43087the instant. So go to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment 43088and cast you out of the safe security of the instant into the dark void of 43089eternity, the anti-time. So go to sleep... 43090% 43091So you think that money is the root of all evil. 43092Have you ever asked what is the root of money? 43093 -- Ayn Rand 43094% 43095So you're back... about time... 43096% 43097Soap and education are not as sudden as a 43098massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run. 43099 -- Mark Twain 43100% 43101SOCIALISM: 43102 You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour. 43103COMMUNISM: 43104 You have two cows. 43105 Give both to the government. The government gives you milk. 43106CAPITALISM: 43107 You sell one cow and buy a bull. 43108FASCISM: 43109 You have two cows. Give milk to the government. 43110 The government sells it. 43111NAZISM: 43112 The government shoots you and takes the cows. 43113NEW DEALISM: 43114 The government shoots one cow, 43115 milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink. 43116ANARCHISM: 43117 Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government. 43118CONSERVATISM: 43119 Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows. 43120% 43121Sodd's Second Law: 43122 Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is 43123bound to occur. 43124% 43125Software, n.: 43126 Formal evening attire for female computer analysts. 43127% 43128Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run 43129like a staff function." 43130 -- Paul Licker 43131% 43132Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more 43133"user-friendly". ... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all 43134the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover. 43135 -- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc. 43136% 43137Soldiers who wish to be a hero 43138Are practically zero, 43139But those who wish to be civilians, 43140They run into the millions. 43141% 43142Solipsists of the World... you are already united. 43143 -- Kayvan Sylvan 43144% 43145Solutions are obvious if one only has the 43146optical power to observe them over the horizon. 43147 -- K. A. Arsdall 43148% 43149Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, 43150and some few to be chewed and digested. 43151 -- Francis Bacon 43152 [As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows. Ed.] 43153% 43154Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them. 43155Others are so fast, they don't notice you. 43156% 43157Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, 43158as when you find a trout in the milk. 43159 -- Thoreau 43160% 43161Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield. 43162% 43163Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit. 43164% 43165Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke. 43166% 43167Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning. 43168% 43169Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them. 43170 -- Edgar W. Howe 43171% 43172Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right 43173places! 43174 -- Mae West 43175% 43176Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, 43177and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them. 43178 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" 43179% 43180Some men are discovered; others are found out. 43181% 43182Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think 43183about sex at all... they become lawyers. 43184 -- Woody Allen 43185% 43186Some men are so interested in their wives continued happiness 43187that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it. 43188% 43189Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit. 43190 -- Maureen Murphy 43191% 43192Some men feel that the only thing they owe 43193the woman who marries them is a grudge. 43194 -- Helen Rowland 43195% 43196Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear 43197lest she should catch a cold on overexposure. 43198 -- Samuel Butler 43199% 43200Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen. 43201 -- Woodie Guthrie 43202% 43203Some men who fear that they are playing 43204second fiddle aren't in the band at all. 43205% 43206Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is. 43207The answer is: I don't know. 43208Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast? 43209% 43210Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the 43211old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent 43212I can find for "landskap"). These laws were written down sometime in the 4321313th century, but date back even down into Viking times. The oldest one is 43214the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some 43215Christian stuff. In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the 43216Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc. Here is 43217an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of 43218"lekare". 43219 "If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it. If an artist 43220 is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with 43221 fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring 43222 it out on the hillside. Then they shall shave off all hair from the 43223 heifer's tail, and grease the tail. Then the artist shall be given 43224 newly greased shoes. Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail, 43225 and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip. If he can hold her, he 43226 shall have the animal. If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what 43227 he received, shame and wounds." 43228% 43229Some of the things that live the longest 43230in peoples' memories never really happened. 43231% 43232Some of them want to use you, 43233Some of them want to be used by you, 43234...Everybody's looking for something. 43235 -- Eurythmics, "Sweet Dreams (Are Made Of This)" 43236% 43237Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. 43238 -- Gloria Steinem 43239% 43240Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to 43241celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around 43242stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on 43243"The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind 43244of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The 43245government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level 43246Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and 43247billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which 43248it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming 43249thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with 43250the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money 43251and go to a mall. 43252 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 43253% 43254Some parts of the past must be preserved, 43255and some of the future prevented at all costs. 43256% 43257Some people call them "cars" or "trucks"; I call them "dimensional 43258transmogrifiers" because they change three-dimensional cats into 43259two-dimensional ones. 43260 -- F. Frederick Skitty 43261% 43262Some people carve careers, others chisel them. 43263% 43264Some people cause happiness wherever 43265they go; others, whenever they go. 43266% 43267Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep, 43268but at least you only have to climb it once. 43269% 43270Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have 43271only one life to live, let me live it as a jerk." 43272% 43273Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled. 43274% 43275Some people have parts that are so private 43276they themselves have no knowledge of them. 43277% 43278Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit 43279them on the head. 43280% 43281Some people live life in the fast lane. You're in oncoming traffic. 43282% 43283Some people manage by the book, even though they 43284don't know who wrote the book or even what book. 43285% 43286Some people need a good imaginary cure 43287for their painful imaginary ailment. 43288% 43289Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed. 43290% 43291Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for. 43292% 43293Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a 43294rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best. 43295 -- P. J. O'Rourke 43296% 43297Some peoples mouths work faster than their brains. 43298They say things they haven't even thought of yet. 43299% 43300Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when 43301you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even 43302worse. 43303 -- Avery 43304% 43305Some points to remember [about animals]: 43306 43307(1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri, 43308 hippopotamuses; 43309(2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the 43310 front of your clothes; 43311(3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs 43312 you have just kicked. 43313 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 43314% 43315Some primal termite knocked on wood. 43316And tasted it, and found it good. 43317And that is why your Cousin May 43318Fell through the parlor floor today. 43319 -- Ogden Nash 43320% 43321Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand 43322progress. 43323 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 43324% 43325Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall. 43326% 43327Some say the world will end in fire, 43328Some say in ice. 43329From what I've tasted of desire 43330I hold with those who favor fire. 43331But if it had to perish twice 43332I think I know enough of hate 43333To say that for destruction, ice 43334Is also great 43335And would suffice 43336 -- Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice" 43337% 43338Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books. 43339 -- Folk saying 43340% 43341Some things have to be believed to be seen. 43342% 43343Somebody left the cork out of my lunch. 43344 -- W. C. Fields 43345% 43346Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the 43347pens will multiply instead of disappear. 43348% 43349Somebody's moggy, by the side of the road, 43350Somebody's pussy, who forgot his highway code, 43351Somebody's favourite feline, who ran clean out of luck, 43352When he ran onto the road, and tried to argue with a truck. 43353 43354Yesterday he purred and played, in his pussy paradise, 43355Decapitating tweety birds, and masticating mice. 43356Now he's just six pounds of raw mince meat, 43357That don't smell very nice -- 43358He's nobody's moggy now. 43359 43360Oh you who love your pussy, 43361Be sure to keep him in. 43362Don't let him argue with a truck, If he tries to play 43363The truck is bound to win. On the road way 43364And upon the busy road, I'm afraid that will be that, 43365Don't let him play or frolic. There will be one last despairing 43366If you do, I'm warning you, "Meow!" 43367It could be cat-astrophic! And a sort of squelchy Splat! 43368 And your pussy will be slightly dead, 43369He's nobody's moggy -- And very, very flat! 43370Just red and squashed and soggy -- 43371He's nobody's moggy now. 43372 -- Eric Bogle, "Scraps of Paper" 43373% 43374Somebody's terminal is dropping bits. 43375I found a pile of them over in the corner. 43376% 43377Someday somebody has got to decide whether the 43378typewriter is the machine, or the person who operates it. 43379% 43380Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will 43381probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a 43382blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh. 43383 -- Mister Boffo 43384% 43385Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car. 43386 -- Evan Davis 43387% 43388Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it? 43389% 43390Someday your prints will come. 43391 -- Kodak 43392% 43393Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing 43394when I was passing through satisfaction. 43395 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 43396% 43397Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it. 43398% 43399Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York 43400City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to 43401Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound." 43402 -- David Letterman 43403% 43404Someone is speaking well of you. 43405How unusual! 43406% 43407Someone is unenthusiastic about your work. 43408% 43409Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow. 43410% 43411Someone will try to honk your nose today. 43412% 43413Something better... 43414 43415 1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? 43416 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow. 43417 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore 43418 something larger. Like ... Wyoming. 43419 4 (personal): Well, here we are. Just the three of us. 43420 5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen 43421 minutes late. 43422 6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your 43423 own ear. 43424 7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't 43425 mind putting that thing away. 43426 8 (philosophical): You know. It's not the size of a nose that's important. 43427 It's what's in it that matters. 43428 9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and its goodbye 43429 Seattle. 4343010 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95. 4343111 (polite): Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps 43432 changing tempo. 4343312 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose." 43434 -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne" 43435% 43436Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth. 43437 -- Benjamin Disraeli 43438% 43439Something's rotten in the state of Denmark. 43440 -- William Shakespeare 43441% 43442Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder... 43443and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn. 43444 -- N. V. Plyter 43445% 43446Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. 43447 -- Sigmund Freud 43448% 43449Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a 43450fool is despised only because he is a lawyer. 43451 -- Montesquieu 43452% 43453Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm 43454smiling and shaking their hands, I want to kick them. 43455 -- Richard M. Nixon 43456% 43457Sometimes even to live is an act of courage. 43458 -- Seneca 43459% 43460Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away, 43461Looking at me, I got nothin' to say. 43462Don't make me angry with the things games that you play, 43463Either light up or leave me alone. 43464% 43465Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and 43466the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the 43467world. 43468 -- Robert Stone 43469% 43470Sometimes I live in the country, 43471And sometimes I live in town. 43472And sometimes I have a great notion, 43473To jump in the river and drown. 43474% 43475Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm 43476the only ashtray. 43477% 43478Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind. 43479Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever. 43480 -- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame" 43481% 43482Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. 43483 -- Lily Tomlin 43484% 43485Sometimes it happens. People just explode. Natural causes. 43486 -- Repo Man 43487% 43488Sometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools. 43489% 43490SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw 43491back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears 43492me because I am beautiful. 43493 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 43494% 43495Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something. 43496% 43497Sometimes the light is all shining on me, 43498Other times I can hardly see. 43499Lately it occurs to me 43500What a long strange trip it's been. 43501 -- The Grateful Dead, "American Beauty" 43502% 43503Sometimes, too long is too long. 43504 -- Joe Crowe 43505% 43506Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel 43507like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat 43508before sundown, I'll go crazy! But then I just take a deep breath and 43509forget about it. That's what is known as real maturity. 43510 -- Snoopy 43511% 43512Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means 43513to me, it's all I can do to keep from telling her. 43514 -- Andy Capp 43515% 43516Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone 43517else is driving. 43518 -- David Letterman 43519% 43520Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living. 43521% 43522Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering. 43523% 43524Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a 43525woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. 43526 -- Sam Levenson 43527% 43528Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. 43529 -- Carl Sagan 43530% 43531Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which 43532the seal is not yet broken. And he is going to offer to bet you that he can 43533make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears. 43534But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with an ear full of cider. 43535 -- Sky Masterson's Father 43536% 43537Song Title of the Week: 43538 "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change 43539in me." 43540% 43541Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already 43542paid may disregard this fortune). 43543% 43544Sorry. I forget what I was going to say. 43545% 43546Sorry. Nice try. 43547% 43548Sorry never means having you're say to love. 43549% 43550Sorry, no fortune this time. 43551% 43552Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- 43553bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the 43554road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space. 43555 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 43556% 43557Space is to place as eternity is to time. 43558 -- Joseph Joubert 43559% 43560Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve. 43561 -- Wheeler 43562% 43563Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. 43564Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life 43565and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before. 43566 -- Captain James T. Kirk 43567% 43568Spagmumps, n.: 43569 Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items. 43570 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 43571% 43572Spare no expense to save money on this one. 43573 -- Samuel Goldwyn 43574% 43575Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers: 43576 If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as 43577if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question 43578back at him. 43579% 43580Speak roughly to your little boy, 43581 And beat him when he sneezes: 43582He only does it to annoy 43583 Because he knows it teases. 43584 43585 Wow! wow! wow! 43586 43587I speak severely to my boy, 43588 And beat him when he sneezes: 43589For he can thoroughly enjoy 43590 The pepper when he pleases! 43591 43592 Wow! wow! wow! 43593 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) 43594% 43595Speak roughly to your little VAX, 43596 And boot it when it crashes; 43597It knows that one cannot relax 43598 Because the paging thrashes! 43599 43600 Wow! Wow! Wow! 43601 43602I speak severely to my VAX, 43603 And boot it when it crashes; 43604In spite of all my favorite hacks 43605 My jobs it always thrashes! 43606 43607 Wow! Wow! Wow! 43608% 43609Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword. 43610% 43611Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. 43612 -- Dave Millman 43613% 43614"Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though 43615ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak, 43616mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers, 43617thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has 43618moved amid the world's foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust, 43619and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate 43620earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful 43621water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or 43622diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers 43623would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw'st the locked lovers when 43624leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting 43625wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw'st the 43626murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell 43627into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed 43628on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would 43629have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has 43630seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one 43631syllable is thine!" 43632 -- H. Melville, "Moby Dick" 43633% 43634Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am 43635sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, 43636cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free 43637the middle third? Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a 43638bit string and assign the result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a 43639controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before 43640passing it back? Overlay three different types of variable on the same 43641memory location? Anything you say! Write a recursive macro? Well, 43642no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language so obviously 43643designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use? 43644% 43645Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror: 43646 43647 With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair 43648 He throws the spinning disk drives in the air! 43649 And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down 43650 As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds! 43651 Helpless users with projects due 43652 Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too! 43653 43654 Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla! 43655 Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!" 43656 43657* VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation 43658* DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc. 43659 -- Curtis Jackson 43660% 43661Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently 43662these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people 43663to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't 43664communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so 43665on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real 43666life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't 43667communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very _____least 43668he can do is to Shut Up! 43669 -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was" 43670% 43671Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's 43672on sale. After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites! 43673% 43674Special tonight, the best toot in town at prices you won't believe!! 43675Also, the finest dope, brought all the way from Columbia by spirited 43676young adventurers. All available tonight, as usual, in the graduate 43677students bullpen from 11: pm on, usual terms and conditions. 43678Faculty members especially welcome. 43679% 43680Speed is subsittute fo accurancy. 43681% 43682Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the 43683motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days, 43684when the driver will be permitted to make what he can. 43685 -- Proposed legislation, Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907 43686% 43687Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading: 43688 The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the 43689number of times you have looked at it. 43690% 43691Spelling is a lossed art. 43692% 43693Spence's Admonition: 43694 Never stow away on a kamikaze plane. 43695% 43696Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers. 43697% 43698SPINSTER: 43699 A bachelor's wife. 43700% 43701Spirtle, n.: 43702 The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in 43703 your eye. 43704 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 43705% 43706Spock: The odds of surviving another 43707attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain. 43708% 43709Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain. 43710% 43711Spouse, n.: 43712 Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you 43713 wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. 43714% 43715Spring is here, spring is here, 43716Life is skittles and life is beer. 43717% 43718Squatcho, n.: 43719 The button at the top of a baseball cap. 43720 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 43721% 43722Squirrels eating squirrels, my God, that's sick. 43723% 43724St. Patrick was a gentleman 43725who through strategy and stealth 43726drove all the snakes from Ireland. 43727Here's a toasting to his health -- 43728but not too many toastings 43729lest you lose yourself and then 43730forget the good St. Patrick 43731and see all those snakes again. 43732% 43733Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion. 43734% 43735Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes. 43736% 43737Stalin was dying, and summoned Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his last 43738words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "The reins of the country are 43739now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you some advice." 43740 "Yes, yes, what is it?" says Khruschev, impatiently. Reaching under 43741his pillow, Stalin produced two envelopes labeled #1 and #2. 43742 "Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely -- don't 43743open them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things aren't going well, 43744open the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, if 43745after that, if things start getting REALLY bad, open the second one." And 43746with a gasp Stalin breathed his last. 43747 Well, within a few years Khruschev started having problems -- 43748unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless. He decided it 43749was time to open the first letter. All it said was: "Blame everything on me!" 43750So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Stalin 43751for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system. 43752 But things continued on the downslide, and, finally, after much 43753deliberation, Khruschev opened the second letter. 43754 All it said was: "Write two letters." 43755% 43756Stamp out organized crime!! Abolish the IRS. 43757% 43758Stamp out philately. 43759% 43760STANDARDS: 43761 The principles we use to reject other people's code. 43762% 43763Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by 43764no means the only "certain" standard. If you mistake what is relative for 43765something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth. 43766 -- Chuang Tzu 43767% 43768Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down. 43769% 43770Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men: 43771they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night. 43772% 43773"Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist 43774drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to pur'ee of bat guano; and the 43775greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll 43776take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!" 43777 -- Harlan Ellison 43778% 43779Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. 43780 -- W. C. Fields 43781% 43782Start the day with a smile. 43783After that you can be your nasty old self again. 43784% 43785State license plates we'd like to see: 43786 43787 NEVADA MASSACHUSETTS 43788 LVME 10DR OW-A CAH 43789LAND OF 10,00 ELVIS IMPERSONATORS THE GOOFY ACCENT STATE 43790 43791 HAWAII WISCONSIN 43792 L-O HA CHEDDAR 43793FRUITY UMBRELLA COCKTAIL WONDERLAND EAT CHEESE OR DIE 43794% 43795State license plates we'd like to see: 43796 43797 ALABAMA ARIZONA 43798 IC1 NOW 120 F 43799THE UFO SIGHTING STATE THE HEAT PROSTRATION STATE 43800 43801 CONNECTICUT MISSISSIPPI 43802 5:36 EXP 4I4S2PS 43803WHERE THE SMART NY WORK FORCE LIVES THE MOST OFTEN MISSPELLED STATE 43804 43805 TEXAS FLORIDA 43806 1-2-3 HIKE ZON KED 43807PLAY FOOTBALL OR DIE AMERICA'S DRUG DEALER 43808% 43809State license plates we'd like to see: 43810 43811 MICHIGAN CALIFORNIA 43812 4-GET 74-77 EGO-MN-E-X 43813EMBARRASSED HOME STATE OF GERALD FORD THE SERIAL KILLER STATE 43814 43815 NORTH CAROLINA NEW JERSEY 43816 WL-GOLLY ARG GGH 43817HOME OF GOMER, GOOBER AND JESSE HELMS FIRST IN TOXIC WASTE 43818 43819 KANSAS WASHINGTON DC 43820 TOTO -2 $10000000 ETC 43821THE NOT MUCH SINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ WASTING YOUR MONEY SINCE 1810 43822 MOVIE STATE 43823% 43824STATISTICS: 43825 A system for expressing your political 43826 prejudices in convincing scientific guise. 43827% 43828Statistics are no substitute for judgment. 43829 -- Henry Clay 43830% 43831Statistics means never having to say you're certain. 43832% 43833Stay away from flying saucers today. 43834% 43835Stay away from hurricanes for a while. 43836% 43837Stay the curse. 43838% 43839Stay together, drag each other down. 43840% 43841Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time, 43842There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying, 43843One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying, 43844 43845And it's too late, baby, now, it's too late, 43846Though we really did try to make it, 43847Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it... 43848 43849It used to be so easy living here with you, 43850You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do 43851Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool. 43852 43853There'll be good times again for me and you, 43854But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too? 43855But I'm glad for what we had and that I once loved you... 43856 43857But it's too late baby... 43858It's too late, now darling, it's too late... 43859 -- Carol King, "Tapestry" 43860% 43861Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So 43862long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental 43863hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins, 43864its rate is a matter of discretion. 43865 -- Corwin, "Prince of Amber" 43866% 43867Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly. 43868% 43869Steckel's Rule to Success: 43870 Good enough is never good enough. 43871% 43872Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: 43873 Everybody should believe in something -- 43874 I believe I'll have another drink. 43875% 43876Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming: 43877 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to 43878handle. 43879% 43880Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays. 43881Embezzlement is another matter. 43882% 43883Stenderup's Law: 43884 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up. 43885% 43886Step back, unbelievers! 43887Or the rain will never come. 43888Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum. 43889You may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane, 43890But I swear to you, before this day is out, 43891 you folks are gonna see some rain! 43892% 43893Still a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about Uncle 43894Nahum from Maine, who spent years trying to cross a jellyfish with a shad 43895so he could breed boneless shad. His experiment backfired too, and he 43896wound up with bony jellyfish... which was hardly worth the trouble. There's 43897very little call for those up there. 43898 -- Allucquere R. "Sandy" Stone 43899% 43900Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth. 43901Say, do you have a map to the next joint? 43902% 43903Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise. 43904 -- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984 43905% 43906Stock's Observation: 43907 You no sooner get your head above water 43908 but what someone pulls your flippers off. 43909% 43910Stone's Law: 43911 One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?" 43912% 43913Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was. 43914And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes 43915in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and 43916Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The 43917way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage 43918on the credulity of human nature. 43919% 43920Stop me, before I kill again! 43921% 43922Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. 43923Now, if they'd only take a bath... 43924% 43925Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable. 43926% 43927Strange things are done to be number one 43928In selling the computer The Druids were entrepreneurs, 43929IBM has their strategem And they built a granite box 43930Which steadily grows acuter, It tracked the moon, warned of monsoons, 43931And Honeywell competes like Hell, And forecast the equinox 43932But the story's missing link Their price was right, their future 43933Is the system old at Stonemenge sold bright, 43934By the firm of Druids, Inc. The prototype was sold; 43935 From Stonehenge site their bits and byte 43936 Would ship for Celtic gold. 43937The movers came to crate the frame; 43938It weighed a million ton! 43939The traffic folk thought it a joke The man spoke true, and thus to you 43940(the wagon wheels just spun); A warning from the ages; 43941"They'll nay sell that," the foreman Your stock will slip if you can't ship 43942 spat, What's in your brochure's pages. 43943"Just leave the wild weeds grow; See if it sells without the bells 43944"It's Druid-kind, over-designed, And strings that ring and quiver; 43945"And belly up they'll go." Druid repute went down the chute 43946 Because they couldn't deliver. 43947 -- Edward C. McManus, "The Computer at Stonehenge" 43948% 43949STRATEGY: 43950 A comprehensive plan of inaction. 43951% 43952Strategy: 43953 A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime 43954 after those creating it have left the organization. 43955% 43956Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts. 43957% 43958Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness. To avoid overload 43959and burnout, keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead. Learn 43960the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the 43961"Do you feel okay? You look pale." approach. Start with negotiation and 43962implication. Advance to manipulation and humiliation. Above all, relax 43963and have a nice day. 43964% 43965Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all 43966real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an 43967understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors. 43968 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 43969% 43970Stult's Report: 43971 Our problems are mostly behind us. 43972 What we have to do now is fight the solutions. 43973% 43974Stupid, n.: 43975 Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay. 43976% 43977Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out? 43978% 43979Stupidity is its own reward. 43980% 43981Sturgeon's Law: 43982 90% of everything is crud. 43983% 43984Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative. 43985% 43986Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re. 43987Se non e vero, e ben trovato. 43988% 43989Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your 43990editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. 43991 -- Mark Twain 43992% 43993Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way 43994before it is understood. 43995% 43996Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names 43997the streets after them. 43998 -- Bill Vaughn 43999% 44000Success is a journey, not a destination. 44001% 44002Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get. 44003% 44004Success is in the minds of Fools. 44005 -- William Wrenshaw, 1578 44006% 44007Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have 44008made of things. 44009 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion" 44010% 44011Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until. 44012% 44013Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong. 44014 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf" 44015% 44016Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring. 44017% 44018Such a fine first dream! 44019But they laughed at me; they said 44020I had made it up. 44021% 44022Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion, 44023when the greatest warriors are the ones who stand for peace. 44024% 44025Such efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political, 44026petty, boring, ponderous, thankless, and of the utmost criticality. 44027 -- Leonard Kleinrock, on standards efforts 44028% 44029Such evil deeds could religion prompt. 44030 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 44031% 44032Sudden Death Dating: 44033 44034Quote, female: 44035 Am I worried about taking his last name? Forget it, 44036 at this point I'll take his first name, too. 44037% 44038Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar 44039without his duck ... 44040% 44041Suffering alone exists, none who suffer; 44042The deed there is, but no doer thereof; 44043Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it; 44044The Path there is, but none who travel it. 44045 -- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values 44046% 44047Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier. 44048% 44049Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity. 44050% 44051Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism. 44052 -- Donald Kaul 44053% 44054Sum quod eris. 44055% 44056Sun in the night, everyone is together, 44057Ascending into the heavens, life is forever. 44058 -- Brand X, "Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night" 44059% 44060SUN Microsystems: 44061 The Network IS the Load Average. 44062% 44063(Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA) 44064 44065 To code the impossible code, 44066 To bring up a virgin machine, 44067 To pop out of endless recursion, 44068 To grok what appears on the screen, 44069 44070 To right the unrightable bug, 44071 To endlessly twiddle and thrash, 44072 To mount the unmountable magtape, 44073 To stop the unstoppable crash! 44074% 44075SUNSET: 44076 Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths, 44077 resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with 44078 progressively reducing solar elevation. 44079% 44080Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy 44081have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging. 44082 -- Martin Luther 44083% 44084Superstitions typically involve seeing order where in fact there is 44085none, and denial amounts to rejecting evidence of regularities, 44086sometimes even ones that are staring us in the face. 44087 -- Murray Gell-Mann, "Quark and the Jaguar" 44088% 44089Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics? 44090Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of 44091 Quantum Mechanics? 44092Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you? 44093Supervisee: Yes. 44094 -- Overheard at a supervision 44095% 44096Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have! 44097% 44098Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets. 44099% 44100Support mental health or I'LL KILL YOU!!!! 44101% 44102Support the American Kidney Foundation. 44103Don't wear your motorcycle helmet. 44104% 44105Support the Girl Scouts! 44106 (Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!) 44107% 44108Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy. 44109% 44110Support your local church or synagogue. 44111Worship at Bank of America. 44112% 44113Support your local police force -- steal!! 44114% 44115Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost. 44116% 44117Support your right to arm bears!! 44118% 44119Support your right to bare arms! 44120 -- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association 44121% 44122Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same 44123rate as computers and over the same period: how much cheaper and more 44124efficient would the current models be? If you have not already heard the 44125analogy, the answer is shattering. Today you would be able to buy a 44126Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and 44127it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II. And if you 44128were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on 44129a pinhead. 44130 -- Christopher Evans 44131% 44132Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead! 44133% 44134Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. 44135But what if he forgets? 44136% 44137Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest 44138men in national government too. 44139 -- Richard M. Nixon 44140% 44141Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average. 44142% 44143Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit! 44144Just type in your name and social security number. 44145Please remember that leaving the room is punishable under law: 44146 44147Name # 44148 44149 44150% 44151Surprise due today. Also the rent. 44152% 44153Surprise your boss. Get to work on time. 44154% 44155Sushi, n.: 44156 When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and 44157 strapped on with electrical tape. 44158% 44159Sushido, n.: 44160 The way of the tuna. 44161% 44162Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind. 44163 -- William Shakespeare 44164% 44165Swahili, n.: 44166 The language used by the National Enquirer to print their 44167retractions. 44168 -- Johnny Hart 44169% 44170Swap read error. You lose your mind. 44171% 44172SWEATER: 44173 A garment worn by a child when their mother feels chilly. 44174% 44175Sweater, n.: 44176 A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly. 44177% 44178Sweet April showers do spring May flowers. 44179 -- Thomas Tusser 44180% 44181Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess, 44182And her voice is changing -- from "No" to "Yes". 44183% 44184Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, 44185whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through 44186the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly 44187I rush! 44188 -- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick" 44189% 44190Swipple's Rule of Order: 44191 He who shouts the loudest has the floor. 44192% 44193Symbolic representation of quantitative entities is doomed to its rightful 44194place of minor importance in a world where flowers and beautiful women abound. 44195 -- Albert Einstein 44196% 44197Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is 44198 unusually pale and clear. 44199Problem: Glass empty. 44200Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer. 44201 44202Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, 44203 and the front of your shirt is wet. 44204Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to 44205 wrong part of face. 44206Action Required: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. 44207 Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique. 44208 44209 -- Bar Troubleshooting 44210% 44211Symptom: Everything has gone dark. 44212Fault: The Bar is closing. 44213Action Required: Panic. 44214 44215Symptom: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. 44216 You cannot see the bathroom light. 44217Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter. 44218Action Required: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, 44219 treat yourself to a lie-in. 44220 44221 -- Bar Troubleshooting 44222% 44223Symptom: Feet cold and wet, glass empty. 44224Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle. 44225Action Required: Turn glass other way up so that open end points 44226 toward ceiling. 44227 44228Symptom: Feet warm and wet. 44229Fault: Improper bladder control. 44230Action Required: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain 44231 to the owner about its lack of house training and 44232 demand a beer as compensation. 44233 44234 -- Bar Troubleshooting 44235% 44236Symptom: Floor blurred. 44237Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. 44238Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer. 44239 44240Symptom: Floor moving. 44241Fault: You are being carried out. 44242Action Required: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not, 44243 complain loudly that you are being kidnaped. 44244 44245 -- Bar Troubleshooting 44246% 44247Symptom: Floor swaying. 44248Fault: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey 44249 game in progress. 44250Action Required: Insert broom handle down back of jacket. 44251 44252Symptom: Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts 44253 and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth. 44254Fault: You have fallen forward. 44255Action Required: See above. 44256 44257Symptom: Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several 44258 fluorescent light strips. 44259Fault: You have fallen over backward. 44260Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your 44261 drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help 44262 you get up, lash yourself to bar. 44263 44264 -- Bar Troubleshooting 44265% 44266Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon. 44267 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 44268% 44269System checkpoint complete. 44270% 44271System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing. 44272% 44273System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug. 44274% 44275System going down in 5 minutes. 44276% 44277System restarting, wait... 44278% 44279System/3! System/3! 44280See how it runs! See how it runs! 44281 Its monitor loses so totally! 44282 It runs all its programs in RPG! 44283 It's made by our favorite monopoly! 44284System/3! 44285% 44286SYSTEM-INDEPENDENT: 44287 Works equally poorly on all systems. 44288% 44289Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad 44290infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over. 44291 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 44292% 44293Systems programmer: 44294 A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior 44295 vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you 44296 are to receive from your boss. 44297% 44298Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult. 44299 -- R. S. Barton 44300% 44301T: One big monster, he called TROLL. 44302 He don't rock, and he don't roll; 44303 Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies. 44304 He just Love To Eat Them Roguies. 44305 -- The Roguelet's ABC 44306% 44307TACKY: 44308 Serving grape Kool-Aid at religious functions. 44309% 44310Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far. 44311 -- Jean Cocteau 44312% 44313Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far. 44314 -- Jean Cocteau 44315% 44316Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a 44317hole in his head. 44318% 44319Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy. 44320% 44321Tact, n.: 44322 The unsaid part of what you're thinking. 44323% 44324Take a lesson from the whale; the only time 44325he gets speared is when he raises to spout. 44326% 44327Take an astronaut to launch. 44328% 44329Take care of the luxuries and the 44330necessities will take care of themselves. 44331 -- L. Long 44332% 44333Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves. 44334 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service 44335% 44336Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way. 44337% 44338TAKE FORCEFUL ACTION: 44339 Do something that should have been done a long time ago. 44340% 44341Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting 44342enough cheese. 44343 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 44344% 44345Take it easy, we're in a hurry. 44346% 44347Take me drunk, 44348I'm home again! 44349% 44350Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it 44351needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. 44352 -- Kipling 44353% 44354Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your 44355merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people 44356have given them to you. 44357% 44358Take what you can use and let the rest go by. 44359 -- Ken Kesey 44360% 44361Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to 44362your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms, 44363and they'll call you crazy. 44364 -- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul" 44365% 44366Take your Senator to lunch this week. 44367% 44368Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not 44369take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously. 44370 -- Booth Tarkington 44371% 44372Taking drugs in the 60's, I tried to reach Nirvana, but all I ever 44373got were re-runs of The Mickey Mouse Club. 44374 -- Rev. Jim 44375% 44376Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand. 44377% 44378Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. 44379 -- Euripides 44380% 44381Talkers are no good doers. 44382 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 44383% 44384Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. 44385 -- Laurie Anderson 44386% 44387Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. 44388 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 44389% 44390Tallulah Bankhead barged down the 44391Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank. 44392 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic 44393% 44394Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred, 44395Tan me hide when I'm dead. 44396So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde, 44397It's hanging there on the shed. 44398 44399All together now... 44400 Tie me kangaroo down, sport, 44401 Tie me kangaroo down. 44402 Tie me kangaroo down, sport, 44403 Tie me kangaroo down. 44404% 44405Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey 44406will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar. 44407 -- Benjamin Franklin 44408% 44409TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) 44410 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged 44411 determination and work like hell. Most people think you are 44412 stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist. 44413% 44414TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20) 44415 Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will 44416 find you boorish and headstrong. Travel, promotion, and romance 44417 highlighted, if you live long enough. Don't take any wooden nickels. 44418% 44419TAURUS (Apr.20 - May 20) 44420 Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep, 44421 because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway. You will 44422 decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday. 44423% 44424TAX OFFICE: 44425 Den of inequity. 44426% 44427Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind 44428the tree." 44429 -- Russell Long 44430% 44431Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself 44432out of the market. 44433% 44434Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed. 44435% 44436Taxes, n.: 44437 Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get 44438 an extension. 44439% 44440TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1: 44441 44442Gong, n: Medieval term for privvy, or what passed for them in that era. 44443Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think 44444of our community as the Galapagos of the English language. 44445 44446Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs. 44447 -- Dave Mills 44448% 44449Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, 44450when they grow up, they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway. 44451% 44452Teachers have class. 44453% 44454TEAMWORK: 44455 Having someone to blame. 44456% 44457Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else. 44458% 44459Technicality, n.: 44460 In an English court a man named Home was tried for slander in having 44461accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were: "Sir Thomas Holt hath 44462taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the head, so that one side of his 44463head fell on one shoulder and the other side upon the other shoulder." The 44464defendant was acquitted by instruction of the court, the learned judges 44465holding that the words did not charge murder, for they did not affirm the 44466death of the cook, that being only an inference. 44467 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 44468% 44469"Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow 44470is Tao -- beyond all technique! When I first began to program I would see 44471before me the whole problem in one mass. After three years I no longer saw 44472this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. My whole 44473being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, free to 44474work without plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program writes 44475itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them coming, I 44476slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code and the 44477difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program. 44478I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for 44479a moment and then log off." 44480% 44481Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means 44482for going backwards. 44483 -- Aldous Huxley 44484% 44485Teeth for meat are in the mouth -- 44486Teeth for humans are in the soul. 44487A strong body defeats one, 44488A strong soul conquers many. 44489 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan 44490% 44491Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to. 44492 -- Geoffrey Chaucer 44493% 44494Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before 44495you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew 44496but weren't sure. But if you're searching for something you don't 44497already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death. 44498 -- Erma Bombeck 44499% 44500Telephone, n.: 44501 An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the 44502advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. 44503 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 44504% 44505Telepression, n.: 44506 The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try 44507 hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead put the 44508 burden on the directory assistant. 44509 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 44510% 44511Television -- a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done. 44512 -- Ernie Kovacs 44513% 44514Television -- the longest amateur night in history. 44515 -- Robert Carson 44516% 44517Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs. 44518 -- Alfred Hitchcock 44519% 44520Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than 44521each other. 44522 -- Ann Landers 44523% 44524Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. 44525 -- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs 44526% 44527Television is now so desperately hungry for material 44528that it is scraping the top of the barrel. 44529 -- Gore Vidal 44530% 44531Television only proves that people will look at anything -- 44532rather than each other. 44533% 44534Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll 44535believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have 44536to touch to be sure. 44537% 44538Tell me, O Octopus, I begs, 44539Is those things arms, or is they legs? 44540I marvel at thee, Octopus; 44541If I were thou, I'd call me us. 44542 -- Ogden Nash 44543% 44544Tell me what to think!!! 44545% 44546Tell me why the stars do shine, 44547Tell me why the ivy twines, 44548Tell me why the sky's so blue, 44549And I will tell you just why I love you. 44550 44551 Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine, 44552 Phototropism makes ivy twine, 44553 Rayleigh scattering makes sky so blue, 44554 Sexual hormones are why I love you. 44555% 44556Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally 44557promoting a falsehood, isn't it? 44558 -- A. Hope 44559% 44560Tempt me with a spoon! 44561% 44562Tempt not a desperate man. 44563 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet" 44564% 44565Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to 44566shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable. 44567 When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his 44568entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a 44569seven showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as third die slipped out 44570of his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a 44571word. Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket 44572and handed the others to Dutsky. 44573 "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen." 44574% 44575Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent. 44576 -- Napoleon I 44577% 44578Ten years of rejection slips is nature's 44579way of telling you to stop writing. 44580 -- R. Geis 44581% 44582Terence, this is stupid stuff: 44583You eat your victuals fast enough; 44584There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear, 44585To see the rate you drink your beer. 44586But oh, good Lord, the verse you make, 44587It gives a chap the belly-ache. 44588The cow, the old cow, she is dead; 44589It sleeps well the horned head: 44590We poor lads, 'tis our turn now 44591To hear such tunes as killed the cow. 44592Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme 44593Your friends to death before their time. 44594Moping, melancholy mad: 44595Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad. 44596 -- A. E. Housman 44597% 44598Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave 44599school, and then work, work, work till we die. 44600 -- C. S. Lewis 44601% 44602Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a surprising 44603amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one hand considered 44604the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other hand were unwilling 44605to risk offending God's grandmother. 44606 -- Len Cool, "American Pie" 44607% 44608Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a 44609pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city until 44610about his 35th year, when he became a Christian. [...] To him is 44611ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe 44612because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical 44613fact, for he merely said: "And the Son of God died, which is immediately 44614credible because it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is 44615certain because it is impossible." Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, 44616he saw through the poverty of philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and 44617contemptuously rejected it. 44618 -- Carl G. Jung, "Psychological Types" 44619 [Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic 44620 Church. Ed.] 44621% 44622Test for paraquat: 44623 Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's 44624 of water, agitating gently for 15 minutes. Strain out leaves, 44625 leaving a brownish-yellow solution. Add 100 mg each of sodium 44626 bicarbonate and sodium dithionite. If paraquat is present, 44627 the solution will turn blue-green. 44628% 44629Testing can show the presence of bugs, but not their absence. 44630 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 44631% 44632Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones. 44633% 44634TEUTONIC: 44635 Not enough gin. 44636% 44637TEX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this 44638century. It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in 44639terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press. 44640 -- Gordon Bell 44641% 44642Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean 44643of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities. 44644"My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the 44645unbelieving dean. At this point, one of his players happened to enter 44646the dean's office. "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he 44647told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in. "OK, Coach", 44648the player replied, and was off. "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked. 44649"Yeah", replied the dean. "He could have just picked up this phone and 44650called you from here." 44651% 44652Texas is Hell on woman and horses. 44653 -- Wayne Oakes 44654% 44655Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession. 44656% 44657Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even 44658one which cannot be justified on any other grounds. 44659 -- J. Finnegan, USC 44660% 44661Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies. 44662 -- Adolf Hitler 44663% 44664Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future. 44665 -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly 44666% 44667Thank you for observing all safety precautions. 44668% 44669That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers. 44670 -- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde" 44671% 44672That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver. 44673 -- Foghorn Leghorn 44674% 44675That does not compute. 44676% 44677...that FC loop thing sucks. 44678So I decided to stick to my good old philosophy: "if it has tits, 44679wheels or FC loops it will give you problem!" 44680 -- storage engineer on the virtues of FC-AL 44681% 44682That feeling just came over me. 44683 -- Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler" 44684% 44685That government is best which governs least. 44686 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Civil Disobedience" 44687% 44688That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love, 44689that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love 44690in the same way as us. 44691 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 44692% 44693That money talks, 44694I'll not deny, 44695I heard it once, 44696It said "Good-bye. 44697 -- Richard Armour 44698% 44699That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all. 44700 -- Moliere 44701% 44702That secret you've been guarding, isn't. 44703% 44704That segment of the community with which one has the greatest 44705sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most 44706narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community. 44707% 44708That, that is, is. 44709That, that is not, is not. 44710That, that is, is not that, that is not. 44711That, that is not, is not that, that is. 44712% 44713...that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended by 44714the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on 44715hardware. This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS. 44716A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the 44717liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the 44718REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ... 44719 -- Linden and Wihelminalaan 44720% 44721That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee. 44722% 44723That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. 44724 -- Dorothy Parker 44725% 44726That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is 44727remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not 44728write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book. 44729 -- Heine 44730% 44731That's always the way when you discover 44732something new; everyone thinks you're crazy. 44733 -- Evelyn E. Smith 44734% 44735That's life. 44736 What's life? 44737A magazine. 44738 How much does it cost? 44739Two-fifty. 44740 I only have a dollar. 44741That's life. 44742% 44743That's life for you, said McDunn. Someone always waiting for someone 44744who never comes home. Always someone loving something more than that 44745thing loves them. And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that 44746thing is, so it can't hurt you no more. 44747 -- Ray Bradbury, "The Fog Horn" 44748% 44749"That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be 44750omnipotent, let me tell you `tabernacle' has only one l." 44751 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 44752% 44753That's no moon... 44754 -- Obi-wan Kenobi 44755% 44756That's odd. That's very odd. 44757Wouldn't you say that's very odd? 44758% 44759That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind. 44760 -- Neil Armstrong 44761% 44762That's the most fun I've had without laughing. 44763 -- Woody Allen, on sex 44764% 44765That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they 44766really hate is lousy programmers. 44767 -- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty" 44768% 44769That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows 44770returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball. 44771 -- Bill Veeck 44772% 44773That's what she said. 44774% 44775That's where the money was. 44776 -- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bank 44777 44778It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night. 44779 -- Willie Sutton 44780% 44781The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8. 44782 -- R. B. Greenberg 44783% 44784The 357.73 Theory -- 44785 Auditors always reject expense accounts 44786 with a bottom line divisible by 5. 44787% 44788The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy. 44789% 44790The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it. 44791Don't ever do this to my eyes again. 44792 -- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College 44793% 44794The Abrams' Principle: 44795 The shortest distance between two points is off the wall. 44796% 44797The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing. 44798 -- T. Cheatham 44799% 44800The absent ones are always at fault. 44801% 44802The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth. 44803 -- A. Camus 44804% 44805The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power. 44806 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 44807% 44808The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech. 44809 -- Clifton Fadiman 44810% 44811The adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neither 44812hope nor comfort in sinking to that low level. I think it is ignorance that 44813makes people think of abnormality only with horror and allows them to remain 44814undismayed at the proximity of "normal" to average and mediocre. For surely 44815anyone who achieves anything is, essentially, abnormal. 44816 -- Dr. Karl Menninger, "The Human Mind", 1930 44817% 44818The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one 44819does not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home. 44820 -- Paul Leautaud, "Propos dun jour" 44821% 44822The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper 44823 -- Thomas Jefferson 44824% 44825The Advertising Agency Song: 44826 44827 When your client's hopping mad, 44828 Put his picture in the ad. 44829 If he still should prove refractory, 44830 Add a picture of his factory. 44831% 44832The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that 44833he is already degraded. 44834 -- George Orwell 44835% 44836The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex 44837facts. Seek simplicity and distrust it. 44838 -- Whitehead 44839% 44840The alarm clock that is louder than God's own 44841belongs to the roommate with the earliest class. 44842% 44843The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete. 44844For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*. 44845 -- Bart Miller 44846% 44847The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug 44848someone with it. 44849 -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340 44850% 44851The all-softening overpowering knell, 44852The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell. 44853 -- Lord Byron 44854% 44855The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see 44856fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen. 44857 -- Winston Churchill, 1942 44858% 44859The American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends 44860to form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon. 44861 44862Film at 11:00. 44863% 44864The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the 44865eagle -- on the back of a dollar. 44866 -- Finley Peter Dunne 44867% 44868The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism, 44869call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great 44870opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it. 44871 -- Al Capone 44872% 44873The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the 44874pavement is precisely 1 bananosecond. 44875% 44876The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured 44877in billigrahams. 44878% 44879The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraic patterns 44880just as the Jacquard loom weaves flowers and leaves. 44881 -- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer 44882% 44883The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that consists 44884of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune of "Camptown 44885Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to listen to it, and, 44886even better, nobody has to play it. 44887 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 44888% 44889The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter: 44890 I don't mind... and you don't matter. 44891 44892 -- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana 44893% 44894The Angels want to wear my red shoes. 44895 -- E. Costello 44896% 44897The anger of a woman is the greatest evil 44898with which you can threaten your enemies. 44899 -- Bonnard 44900% 44901The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from 44902sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin. 44903 -- Salvador De Madariaga 44904% 44905The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can. 44906 -- Albertano of Brescia 44907% 44908The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither 44909doctors nor lawyers. 44910 -- L. Docquier 44911% 44912The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in 44913session. Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing, 44914advertising and industry. For best consistent contribution in the field of 44915publishing our award goes to editor, R. L. K., [...] for his unrivaled alle- 44916giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it, 44917we'd ALL love to do it. But we're not going to do it. It's not the kind of 44918book our house knows how to handle." Our superior performance award in the 44919field of advertising goes to media executive, E. L. M., [...] for the continu- 44920ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be 44921very exciting. Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've out- 44922lined and see if you can come up with something fresh." Our final award for 44923courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R. S., 44924[...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been 44925arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right 44926time--" I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially 44927for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as 44928then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts -- 44929 Treat freshness as a youthful quirk, 44930 And dare not stray to ideas new, 44931 For if t'were tried they might e'en work 44932 And for a living what woulds't we do? 44933% 44934The answer is that libdialog, the library on which sysinstall depends 44935for these menus, is genuinely evil. It is the unloved, satanic 44936bastard child of multiple parents and torturing users like yourself 44937constitutes the only joy in life it has left. Its source files are 44938all chmod'd 0666 and dire README files warn against trespass by 44939neophyte programmers. It is the 7th gate of Hell. It makes the baby 44940Jesus cry. Were libdialog given anthropomorphic representation, it 44941would be promptly burnt at the stake and its ashes scattered in the 44942desert, to be then doused with holy water from altitude by 44943fire-fighting aircraft. 44944 44945 -- Jordan K. Hubbard on the evils of libdialog 44946% 44947The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is... 44948 44949 Four day work week, 44950 Two ply toilet paper! 44951% 44952The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was 44953released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers, 44954Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons. 44955% 44956The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says he, "Go 44957and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals. 44958All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah. 44959"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows 44960their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. 44961Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how 44962the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need 44963logs to multiply." 44964% 44965The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will 44966never be plumbed and why it will go on forever. All weapons are defensive 44967and all spare parts are non-lethal. The plainest print cannot be read 44968through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle. 44969 -- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer 44970% 44971The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. 44972Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed 44973and color, but also on ability. 44974 -- T. Lehrer 44975% 44976The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe. 44977 -- Bill Murray 44978% 44979The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use 44980in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the 44981Declaration not for that, but for future use. 44982 -- Abraham Lincoln 44983% 44984The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues that 44985Jupiter can have no satellites: 44986 44987 There are seven windows in the head, two nostrils, two ears, two 44988eyes, and a mouth; so in the heavens there are two favorable stars, two 44989unpropitious, two luminaries, and Mercury alone undecided and indifferent. 44990From which and many other similar phenomena of nature such as the seven 44991metals, etc., which it were tedious to enumerate, we gather that the number 44992of planets is necessarily seven. [...] 44993 Moreover, the satellites are invisible to the naked eye and 44994therefore can have no influence on the earth and therefore would be useless 44995and therefore do not exist. 44996% 44997The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive. 44998% 44999The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she 45000knows that the average man can see much better than he can think. 45001 -- Ladies' Home Journal 45002% 45003The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in 45004the morning feeling just terrible. 45005 -- Jean Kerr 45006% 45007The average income of the modern teenager is about 2AM. 45008% 45009The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling 45010a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog. 45011% 45012The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero. 45013% 45014The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from 45015one graveyard to another. 45016 -- J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England" 45017% 45018The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain 45019disdain; he is anything but her ideal. In consequence, she cannot help 45020feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is 45021their father. 45022 -- H. L. Mencken 45023% 45024The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the 45025average man can see better than he can think. 45026% 45027The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned 45028into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D. 45029 -- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work" 45030% 45031The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that 45032carries any reward. 45033 -- John Maynard Keynes 45034% 45035The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by 45036people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried 45037anything. 45038 -- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore 45039% 45040The bank called to tell me that I'm overdrawn, 45041Some freaks are burning crosses out on my front lawn, 45042And I *can't*believe* it, all the Cheetos are gone, 45043 It's just ONE OF THOSE DAYS! 45044 -- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days" 45045% 45046The bank sent our statement this morning, 45047The red ink was a sight of great awe! 45048Their figures and mine might have balanced, 45049But my wife was too quick on the draw. 45050% 45051The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than 45052cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and 45053difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, 45054which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- 45055here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO 45056RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you 45057want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking 45058lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a 45059squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out 45060and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault, 45061his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was 45062neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking 45063lots. 45064 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 45065% 45066The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit 45067called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in 45068writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would 45069be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices 45070immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a 45071bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special 45072Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of 45073paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patty 45074would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning. 45075The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to 45076emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood 45077Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets." 45078 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" 45079% 45080The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd 45081And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven; 45082The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth 45083And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change. 45084These signs forerun the death or fall of kings. 45085 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" 45086% 45087THE BEATLES: 45088 Paul McCartney's old back-up band. 45089% 45090The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer. 45091 -- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike 45092 45093 [If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr. Mike session at Baycon, I 45094 believe he added that the beer-cooled computer uses "Forget Only 45095 Memory". Ed.] 45096% 45097The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk. 45098 -- Maurice Baring 45099% 45100The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; 45101but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman. 45102% 45103The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England, 45104 live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food. 45105Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America, 45106 live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food. 45107The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan, 45108 live with a British wife, and eat American food. 45109 -- Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine 45110% 45111The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. 45112 -- W. C. Fields 45113% 45114The best defense against logic is ignorance. 45115% 45116The best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion -- 45117but doesn't. 45118 -- Tom Crichton 45119% 45120The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank. 45121 -- Scotty 45122% 45123The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive. 45124However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours 45125by judging things by their price. 45126% 45127The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do 45128what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with 45129them while they do it. 45130 -- Theodore Roosevelt 45131% 45132The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department. 45133% 45134The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal. 45135 -- Blair 45136% 45137The best man for the job is often a woman. 45138% 45139The best number for a dinner party is two -- myself and a damn good 45140head waiter. 45141 -- Nubar Gulbenkian 45142% 45143The best portion of a good man's life, his little, 45144nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love. 45145 -- Wordsworth 45146% 45147The best prophet of the future is the past. 45148% 45149The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical argument came from the 45150redoubtable John W. Campbell: 45151 45152 The laws of population growth tell us that approximately half the 45153 people who were ever born in the history of the world are now 45154 dead. There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this message is 45155 being read by a corpse. 45156% 45157The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and 45158fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are 45159drifting side by side to our common doom. 45160 -- Clarence Darrow 45161% 45162The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected 45163company arrives, all you have to do is straighten your tie. 45164% 45165The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. 45166% 45167The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80. 45168% 45169The best things in life are for a fee. 45170% 45171The best things in life go on sale sooner or later. 45172% 45173The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second, squared. 45174% 45175The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities." 45176% 45177The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect. 45178% 45179The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away. 45180% 45181The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them 45182is a match. 45183 -- Will Rogers 45184% 45185The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to 45186smoke is a right worth dying for. 45187% 45188The best ways are the most straightforward ways. When you're sitting around 45189scamming these things out, all kinds of James Bondian ideas come forth, but 45190when it gets down to the reality of it, the simplest and most straightforward 45191way is usually the best, and the way that attracts the least attention. 45192Also, pouring gasoline on the water and lighting it like James Bond doesn't 45193work either.... They tried it during Prohibition. 45194 -- Thomas King Forcade, marijuana smuggler 45195% 45196The best you get is an even break. 45197 -- Franklin Adams 45198% 45199The better part of valor is discretion. 45200 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 45201% 45202The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity. 45203To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task. 45204 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 45205% 45206The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments 45207to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. 45208It's just that they need more supervision. 45209% 45210The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could 45211never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma. 45212 -- Abraham Lincoln 45213% 45214The Bible on letters of reference: 45215 45216 Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials? Do 45217we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you? 45218No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any 45219man can see it for what it is and read it for himself. 45220 -- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation 45221% 45222The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries. 45223 -- Nora Ephron 45224% 45225The big mistake that men make is that when they turn thirteen or fourteen 45226and all of a sudden they've reached puberty, they believe that they like 45227women. Actually, you're just horny. It doesn't mean you like women any 45228more at twenty-one than you did at ten. 45229 -- Jules Feiffer 45230% 45231The big question is why in the course of evolution the males permitted 45232themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females. Why do they tolerate 45233this total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are 45234hungry all the time? 45235% 45236The bigger the theory the better. 45237% 45238The bigger they are, the harder they hit. 45239% 45240The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse time. 45241 -- Merrick Furst 45242% 45243The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are 45244working for someone else. 45245% 45246The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has 45247occurred. 45248% 45249The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ... 45250and the bird is on the wing. 45251 -- Omar Khayyam 45252% 45253The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals 45254because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage 45255and tourist handouts. This bear has learned to open car doors in 45256Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens 45257of thousands of dollars a year. Campaigns to bearproof all garbage 45258containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist 45259put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels 45260of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists." 45261% 45262The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch. 45263% 45264The bogosity meter just pegged. 45265% 45266The bold youth of today is very lonely. 45267 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 45268% 45269The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives. 45270 -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project 45271% 45272The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first 45273half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and 45274pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who 45275hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice 45276for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time 45277during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it 45278but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know. 45279 -- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest 45280% 45281The boy stood on the burning deck, 45282Eating peanuts by the peck. 45283His father called him, but he could not go, 45284For he loved those peanuts so. 45285% 45286The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment 45287you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work. 45288% 45289The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development: 45290 To determine how long it will take to write and debug a 45291program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and 45292convert to the next higher units. 45293% 45294The British are coming! The British are coming! 45295% 45296The broad mass of a nation... will more easily 45297fall victim to a big lie than to a small one. 45298 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf" 45299% 45300The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing 45301and humiliating reality. 45302 -- Oscar Wilde 45303% 45304The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a 45305digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top 45306of a mountain or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean 45307the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself. 45308 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 45309% 45310The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. 45311Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in 45312automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo. 45313 -- Art Buchwald 45314% 45315The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only 45316the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time. 45317 -- Kay Bostic 45318% 45319The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State 45320Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George 45321Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his 45322time) novelist. He is best known today for having written "The Last 45323Days of Pompeii." 45324 45325Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse, 45326beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord 45327Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford," 45328written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad: 45329 45330 It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except 45331 at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of 45332 wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene 45333 lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty 45334 flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness. 45335% 45336The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding 45337bureaucracy. 45338% 45339The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the 45340flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language. 45341% 45342The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better 45343people, and don't come in clearly enough. 45344 -- Bill Maher 45345% 45346The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted 45347sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first 45348time since the journey began -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve 45349into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent 45350with Basil. 45351 -- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest 45352% 45353The camel has a single hump; 45354The dromedary two; 45355Or else the other way around. 45356I'm never sure. Are you? 45357 -- Ogden Nash 45358% 45359The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly 45360greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed 45361inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner 45362party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics. 45363 -- H. L. Mencken 45364% 45365The carbonyl is polarized, 45366The delta end is plus. 45367The nucleophile will thus attack, 45368The carbon nucleus. 45369Addition makes an alcohol, 45370Of types there are but three. 45371It makes a bond, to correspond, 45372From C to shining C. 45373 -- Prof. Frank Westheimer, to "America the Beautiful" 45374% 45375The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used. 45376 -- Herbert von Fritzlar 45377% 45378The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-destruction. 45379% 45380The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain. 45381 -- G. Fitch 45382% 45383The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and 45384sometimes three. 45385 -- Alexandre Dumas 45386% 45387The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up 45388at the steam fitters' picnic. 45389% 45390The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions. 45391 -- Alfred Adler 45392% 45393The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense. 45394 -- Picasso 45395% 45396The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will 45397walk carefully. 45398 -- Russian Proverb 45399% 45400The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture. 45401 -- Elbert Hubbard 45402% 45403The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards, 45404specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of 45405rise per foot of run. A compromise, I imagine... 45406% 45407The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom. 45408% 45409The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness. 45410 -- John Muir 45411% 45412The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity; 45413the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a 45414military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and 45415private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion; 45416and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes 45417who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity. 45418 -- Edward Gibbons, "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire" 45419% 45420The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live elsewhere. 45421% 45422The closest to perfection a person ever comes 45423is when he fills out a job application form. 45424 -- Stanley J. Randall 45425% 45426The clothes have no emperor. 45427 -- C. A. R. Hoare, commenting on ADA 45428% 45429The coast was clear. 45430 -- Lope de Vega 45431% 45432The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his 45433intellectual nakedness. 45434 -- Robert M. Hutchins 45435% 45436The Commandments of the EE: 45437 454381: Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser 45439 lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most 45440 embarrassing manner. 454412: Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to 45442 be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this 45443 earthly vale of tears. 454443: Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth, and upon 45445 which the worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift 45446 thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like 45447 a radiator too. 454484: Tarry thou not amongst these fools that engage in intentional 45449 shocks for they are not long for this world and are surely 45450 unbelievers. 45451% 45452The Commandments of the EE: 45453 454545: Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the 45455 measures of high-voltage circuits too, that thou dost not incinerate 45456 both thee and thy test meter, for verily, though thou has no company 45457 property number and can be easily surveyed, the test meter has 45458 one and, as a consequence, bringeth much woe unto a purchasing agent. 454596: Take care that thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices, 45460 for this incurreth the wrath of the chief electrician and bring 45461 the fury of the engineers on his head. 454627: Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou doest so, thy 45463 friends will surely be buying beers for thy widow and consoling 45464 her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee. 454658: Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service equipment alone, 45466 for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in 45467 thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker 45468 sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold. 45469% 45470The Commandments of the EE: 45471 454729: Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou 45473 commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug, and thy wife be 45474 frustrated and have not further use for thee except for thy wages. 4547510: Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are 45476 written down in thy Bible which is the National Electrical Code, 45477 and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth thee when 45478 thou hast suffered a ream job by the chief electrician. 4547911: When thou muckest about with a device in an unthinking and/or 45480 unknowing manner, thou shalt keep one hand in thy pocket. Better 45481 that thou shouldest keep both hands in thy pockets than 45482 experimentally determine the electrical potential of an 45483 innocent-seeming device. 45484% 45485The common cormorant, or shag, lays eggs inside a paper bag. 45486% 45487The computer gets faster! --Moore-- 45488% 45489The computer industry is journalists in their 20's standing in awe of 45490entrepreneurs in their 30's who are hiring salesmen in their 40's and 4549150's and paying them in the 60's and 70's to bring their marketing into 45492the 80's. 45493 -- Marty Winston 45494% 45495The computer is to the information industry roughly what the 45496central power station is to the electrical industry. 45497 -- Peter Drucker 45498% 45499The Computer made me do it. 45500% 45501The computing field is always in need of new cliches. 45502 -- Alan J. Perlis 45503% 45504The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been 45505defined several times by examples of what it is not. 45506% 45507The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his 45508memos. 45509 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 45510% 45511The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems 45512and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting 45513language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best 45514dangerous. 45515 -- Bjarne Stroustrup 45516% 45517The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other 45518subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up 45519every bird watcher in the country. 45520 -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972 45521% 45522The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better 45523than what we've got! 45524% 45525The Consultant's Curse: 45526 When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him 45527what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong 45528medicine, and is normally only required once. 45529% 45530The control of the production of wealth 45531is the control of human life itself. 45532 -- Hilaire Belloc 45533% 45534The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is 45535none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but." 45536Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. 45537Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you 45538talked about. 45539 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 45540% 45541The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up! 45542% 45543The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart. 45544 -- W. C. Fields 45545% 45546The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. 45547% 45548The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down. 45549% 45550The countdown had stalled at "T" minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first 45551female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick, 45552rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what 45553would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my 45554career. 45555 -- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest 45556% 45557The course of true anything never does run smooth. 45558 -- Samuel Butler 45559% 45560The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the 45561judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him. 45562Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and 45563ceremoniously handed it to the defendant. 45564 "Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist. "You have just become a 45565father!" 45566% 45567The covers of this book are too far apart. 45568 -- Ambrose Bierce, reviewing a book 45569% 45570The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat. 45571 -- John McNulty 45572% 45573The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas 45574Instruments. 45575 -- Credits from the PBS program "The Creation of the Universe" 45576% 45577The Crown is full of it! 45578 -- Nate Harris, 1775 45579% 45580The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should 45581therefore be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could 45582hardly be propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to 45583declare war and they are screened at once from scrutiny ... In war, 45584then, as in peace, assert the freedom of speech and of the press. 45585Cling to this as the bulwark of all our rights and privileges. 45586 -- William Ellery Channing 45587% 45588The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the 45589words to a song -- it's that they know them *all*. 45590 -- Susan Dooley 45591% 45592The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull. 45593 -- Andy Purshottam 45594% 45595The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch 45596a satellite. Of course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth! 45597% 45598The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. 45599Every class is unfit to govern. 45600 -- Lord Acton 45601% 45602The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of 45603plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely.... 45604Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not 45605be permitted... In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides 45606agree to ban the popular but dangerous "Simon Says" training drill at 45607nuclear launch sites... Under no circumstances will either side reveal 45608that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine 45609years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem. 45610 -- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks 45611% 45612The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, 45613and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished. 45614 -- Henry David Thoreau 45615% 45616The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. 45617% 45618The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being 45619as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of 45620the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the 45621dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with 45622this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine 45623doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors. 45624 -- Thomas Jefferson 45625% 45626The days are all empty and the nights are unreal. 45627% 45628The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction 45629to a tedious book. 45630% 45631The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of 45632us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching 45633Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe. 45634% 45635The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary? 45636% 45637The deceased was killed by 1207.3557298 Volts AC RMS applied by 45638accident when he brushed against the output terminal of a John B. 45639Fluke Company High Voltage Calibrator. 45640 -- fictitious coroner's report by Mike Andrews 45641% 45642The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous. 45643% 45644The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the 45645Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab'ra" which means "pronounce the blessing". 45646% 45647The degree of civilization in a society 45648can be judged by entering its prisons. 45649 -- F. Dostoyevski 45650% 45651The degree of technical confidence is inversely 45652proportional to the level of management. 45653% 45654The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older 45655people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood. 45656 -- Logan Pearsall Smith 45657% 45658The departing division general manager met a last time with his young 45659successor and gave him three envelopes. "My predecessor did this for me, 45660and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign 45661of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the 45662second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope. 45663Good luck." The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes 45664into a drawer. 45665 Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the 45666young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me." 45667 The next day, he held a press conference and did just that. The 45668crisis passed. 45669 Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleaguered 45670manager opened the second envelope. It said, "Reorganize." 45671 He held another press conference, announcing that the division 45672would be restructured. The crisis passed. 45673 A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was 45674blamed for all of it. The harried executive closed his office door, sank 45675into his chair, and opened the third envelope. 45676 "Prepare three envelopes..." it said. 45677% 45678The descent to Hades is the same from every place. 45679 -- Anaxagoras 45680% 45681The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose. 45682 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 45683% 45684The devil finds work for idle circuits to do. 45685% 45686The devil finds work for idle glands. 45687% 45688The die is cast. 45689 -- Gaius Julius Caesar 45690% 45691The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week. 45692% 45693The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days. 45694% 45695The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is 45696exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal. 45697 -- Mark Twain 45698% 45699The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell 45700into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him 45701out again, it would be a calamity. 45702 -- Benjamin Disraeli 45703% 45704The difference between America and England is, the English think 100 45705miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time. 45706% 45707The difference between art and science is that science is what we 45708understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else. 45709 -- Donald E. Knuth, "Discover" 45710% 45711The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is 45712thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia 45713is thinking that they're conspiring. 45714 -- J. Kegler 45715% 45716The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're 45717called. Cats take a message and get back to you. 45718% 45719The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. 45720% 45721The difference between legal separation and divorce is 45722that legal separation gives the man time to hide his money. 45723% 45724The difference between reality and unreality 45725is that reality has so little to recommend it. 45726 -- Allan Sherman 45727% 45728The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science 45729requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship. 45730 -- Robert A. Heinlein 45731% 45732The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following: 45733Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a 45734rabbit on the road. Being sentimental is when the same driver, when 45735swerving away from the rabbit hits a pedestrian. 45736 -- Frank Herbert, "The White Plague" 45737% 45738The difference between sentiment and sentimentality is easy to see. When 45739you avoid killing somebody's pet on the glazeway, that's sentiment. If you 45740swerve to avoid the pet and that causes you to kill pedestrians, THAT is 45741sentimentality. 45742 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune" 45743% 45744The difference between the right word and the almost right word 45745is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug. 45746 -- Mark Twain 45747% 45748The difference between this place and yogurt 45749is that yogurt has a live culture. 45750% 45751The difference between us is not very far, 45752cruising for burgers in daddy's new car. 45753% 45754The difference between waltzes and disco is mostly one of volume. 45755 -- T. K. 45756% 45757The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer. 45758% 45759The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in 45760the grim hours between midnight and dawn. Hangmen and politicians 45761work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb. 45762 -- Russell Baker 45763% 45764The discerning person is always at a disadvantage. 45765% 45766The disks are getting full; purge a file today. 45767% 45768The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known; 45769naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either. 45770 -- Ambrose Bierce 45771% 45772The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the 45773following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates: 45774 45775 "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. 45776Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is 45777Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous. 45778 "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish. 45779Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. 45780Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. 45781Macaroons are ____very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is 45782goyish. Lime soda is ____very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that 45783Jews won't go near them ..." 45784 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 45785% 45786The distinction between true and false appears to become 45787increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language. 45788 -- Arne Tiselius 45789% 45790The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on 45791a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets. 45792% 45793The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in 45794the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines, 45795and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity. 45796 -- John Adams 45797% 45798The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man 45799really clever who has not found that he is stupid. 45800 -- Gilbert K. Chesterson 45801% 45802The door is the key. 45803% 45804The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show 45805off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his 45806next hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the 45807duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the 45808duck and returned it to his master. 45809 "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly. 45810 "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't swim." 45811% 45812The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance 45813of the woman. 45814 -- Honore de Balzac 45815% 45816The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine. 45817% 45818The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before. 45819% 45820The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late 45821and owns the worm farm. 45822 -- Travis McGee 45823% 45824The early worm gets the late bird. 45825% 45826The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. 45827% 45828The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and 45829add ten percent. 45830% 45831The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly 45832teaches me to suspect that my own is also. 45833 45834I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it 45835or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his 45836hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be. 45837But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a 45838valuable possession to him. 45839 45840I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good 45841end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order 45842to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to annihilate him when he shall 45843have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection might be reasonable 45844enough; but to roast him forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him 45845roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews 45846would tire of the spectacle eventually. 45847 -- Mark Twain 45848% 45849The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on 45850weather forecasters. 45851 -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann 45852% 45853The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it 45854*pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness. 45855 -- Mel Brooks 45856% 45857The elder gods went to Yuggoth, and all you got was this lousy fortune. 45858% 45859"The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not 45860Compute' -- I forget which." 45861 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 45862% 45863The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed 45864to do the work of a man. The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics 45865Corporation defines a robot as "Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With". 45866The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the 45867Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as "a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the 45868first against the wall when the revolution comes", with a footnote to effect 45869that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking 45870over the post of robotics correspondent. 45871 Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that 45872had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in 45873the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics 45874Corporation as "a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the 45875wall when the revolution came". 45876% 45877The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun. 45878 -- Buckminster Fuller 45879% 45880The end of labor is to gain leisure. 45881% 45882The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of 45883civilization. 45884 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 45885% 45886The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with 45887symposium to follow. 45888% 45889The ends justify the means. 45890 -- after Matthew Prior 45891% 45892The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind 45893of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation 45894of these atoms is talking moonshine. 45895 -- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for 45896 the first time 45897% 45898The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable 45899in full pursuit of the uneatable. 45900 -- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance" 45901% 45902The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach 45903their children to speak it. 45904 -- George Bernard Shaw 45905% 45906The English instinctively admire any man 45907who has no talent and is modest about it. 45908 -- James Agate, British film and drama critic 45909% 45910The entire work force of the Communist countries is subjected to periodic 45911purges (called verifications in Newspeak). One of the most severe took 45912place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year 45913before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from 45914all but insignificant positions. Any one of the following would often 45915result in the loss of one's job: Bourgeois or Jewish family background, 45916relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a 45917Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others. 45918 45919 A man is interviewed by a "Verification Committee." 45920 "What kind of family do you come from?" 45921 "A rich, Jewish family." 45922 "And your wife?" 45923 "A German aristocrat." 45924 "Have you ever been to the West?" 45925 "I spent most of my life in England." 45926 "How did you make a living there?" 45927 "A friend supported me." 45928 "Where did you get the money from?" 45929 "He owned a textile factory." 45930 "Who was Lenin?" 45931 "Never heard of him." 45932 "What is your name?" 45933 "Karl Marx." 45934% 45935[The ERA] encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, 45936practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians. 45937 -- Pat Robertson, Man of God and serious Republican 45938 presidential aspirant. 45939% 45940The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute 45941for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is 45942a substitute for intelligence. 45943 -- Lyman Bryson 45944% 45945The eternal feminine draws us upward. 45946 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 45947% 45948The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender. 45949 -- Anne Boleyn 45950% 45951The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions 45952is the most likely to be correct. 45953 -- William of Occam 45954% 45955The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing, 45956the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its 45957own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god 45958of the Northern Ocean, happened once to meet in the realm of Chaos, the god 45959of the center. Chaos treated them very handsomely and they discussed together 45960what they could do to repay his kindness. They had noticed that, whereas 45961everyone else had seven apertures, for sight, hearing, eating, breathing and 45962so on, Chaos had none. So they decided to make the experiment of boring holes 45963in him. Every day they bored a hole, and on the seventh day, Chaos died. 45964 -- Chuang Tzu 45965% 45966The eyes of taxes are upon you. 45967% 45968The eyes of Texas are upon you, 45969All the livelong day; 45970The eyes of Texas are upon you, 45971You cannot get away; 45972Do not think you can escape them 45973From night 'til early in the morn; 45974The eyes of Texas are upon you 45975'Til Gabriel blows his horn. 45976 -- University of Texas' school song 45977% 45978The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not 45979utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, 45980a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible. 45981 -- Bertrand Russell, in "Marriage and Morals", 1929 45982% 45983The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a 45984remarkable Christian forbearance among men. 45985 -- Ambrose Bierce 45986% 45987The fact that Hitler was a political genius unmasks the nature of politics 45988in general as no other can. 45989 -- Wilhelm Reich 45990% 45991The fact that it works is immaterial. 45992 -- L. Ogborn 45993% 45994The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily 45995endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or 45996compassion. 45997 -- Saul Alinsky 45998% 45999The fall of the USSR proves you wrong. 46000 -- Aryeh M. Friedman 46001% 46002The famous politician was trying to save both his faces. 46003% 46004The farther you go, the less you know. 46005 -- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching" 46006% 46007The fashion wears out more apparel than the man. 46008 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing" 46009% 46010The fashionable drawing rooms of London have always been happy to accept 46011outsiders -- if only on their own, albeit undemanding terms. That is to 46012say, artists, so long as they are not too talented, men of humble birth, 46013so long as they have since amassed several million pounds, and socialists 46014so long as they are Tories. 46015 -- Christopher Booker 46016% 46017The faster I go, the behinder I get. 46018 -- Lewis Carroll, 46019 "Through the Looking-Glass, 46020 and What Alice Found There" (1871) 46021% 46022The faster we go, the rounder we get. 46023 -- The Grateful Dead 46024% 46025The Fastest Defeat In Chess 46026 The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess 46027master. 46028 In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a 46029Monsieur Lazard. Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so 46030chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort 46031of their own homes. 46032 Lazard was black and Gibaud white: 46033 1: P-Q4, Kt-KB3 46034 2: Kt-Q2, P-K4 46035 3: PxP, Kt-Kt5 46036 4: P-KR3, Kt-K6/ 46037 White then resigns on realizing that a fifth move would involve 46038either a Q-KR5 check or the loss of his queen. 46039 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 46040% 46041The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a 46042business trip, thought he would pay his boy a surprise visit. Arriving at the 46043lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door. After several minutes 46044of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window, 46045 "Whaddaya want?" 46046 "Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father. 46047 "Yeah," replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch." 46048% 46049The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer 46050and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown 46051suit in the city. Colleges may be to blame. English majors are encouraged, 46052I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not 46053dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the 46054quad. And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors, 46055and they are squeamish about technology to this very day. So it is natural 46056for them to despise science fiction. 46057 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Science Fiction" 46058% 46059The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he 46060wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke. 46061 "Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to 46062you? They used to be with the Chicago Bears. The two dudes behind you made 46063the U.S. Olympic wrestling team. And for you information, I used to play 46064center at Notre Dame." 46065 "Forget it," the customer said. "I don't want to explain it five 46066times." 46067% 46068"The feminist agenda," Pat Robertson observed in a recent letter to his 46069supporters, "is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, 46070anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their 46071husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism 46072and become lesbians." 46073% 46074The Feynman Problem-Solving Algorithm: 46075 (1) write down the problem. 46076 (2) think very hard. 46077 (3) write down the answer. 46078 -- Murray Gell-Mann 46079% 46080The Fifth Rule: 46081 You have taken yourself too seriously. 46082% 46083The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions. 46084 -- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante" 46085% 46086The final screw holding up a rackmount server is always possessed by demons. 46087% 46088The finest eloquence is that which gets things done. 46089% 46090The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time, 46091the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time. 46092% 46093The first and almost the only Book deserving of universal attention is 46094the Bible. 46095 -- John Quincy Adams 46096 46097All the good from the Saviour of the world is communicated through this Book; 46098but for the Book we could not know right from wrong. All the things desirable 46099to man are contained in it. 46100 -- Abraham Lincoln 46101 46102... the Bible ... is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of 46103life, the nature of God and spiritual nature and need of men. It is the only 46104guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation. 46105 -- Woodrow Wilson 46106% 46107The First Commandment for Technicians: 46108 Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged 46109capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most 46110untechnician-like manner. 46111% 46112The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. 46113 -- Abbie Hoffman 46114% 46115The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King 46116Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a 46117tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad 46118forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously 46119fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of 46120threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked 46121suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of 46122foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead 46123one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with 46124dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found 46125drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown 46126and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have 46127thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture 46128of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left 46129in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed 46130crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave 46131Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when 46132a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful 46133throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system. 46134 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 46135% 46136The first guy that rats gets a bellyful of slugs in the head. Understand? 46137 -- Joey Glimco, trade unionist 46138% 46139The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half 46140by our children. 46141 -- Clarence Darrow 46142% 46143The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence, 46144and the second the triumph of hope over experience. 46145% 46146The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of 46147management is that success equals skill. 46148 -- Robert Heller 46149% 46150The first requisite for immortality is death. 46151 -- Stanislaw Lem 46152% 46153The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish 46154child, was propounded to me by my father: 46155 "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and 46156whistles?" 46157 I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity 46158gave up. 46159 "A herring," said my father. 46160 "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" 46161 "So hang it there." 46162 "But a herring isn't green!" I protested. 46163 "Paint it." 46164 "But a herring isn't wet." 46165 "If it's just painted it's still wet." 46166 "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring 46167doesn't whistle!!" 46168 "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it 46169hard." 46170 -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish" 46171% 46172The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack." 46173 -- H. L. Mencken 46174% 46175The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. 46176 -- Paul Erlich 46177% 46178The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your 46179hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do. 46180 -- McCloctnik the Lucid 46181% 46182The First Rule of Program Optimization: 46183 Don't do it. 46184 46185The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): 46186 Don't do it yet. 46187 -- Michael Jackson 46188% 46189The first thing I do in the morning 46190is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. 46191 -- Dorothy Parker 46192% 46193The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers. 46194 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV 46195% 46196The first time, it's a KLUDGE! 46197The second, a trick. 46198Later, it's a well-established technique! 46199 -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics 46200% 46201The first version always gets thrown away. 46202% 46203The five rules of Socialism: 46204 46205 1. Don't think. 46206 2. If you do think, don't speak. 46207 3. If you think and speak, don't write. 46208 4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign. 46209 5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised. 46210 46211 -- being told in Poland, 1987 46212% 46213...the flaw that makes perfection perfect. 46214% 46215The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation. 46216 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" 46217% 46218The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization. 46219 -- Alan Coult 46220% 46221The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions 46222Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals: 46223 46224As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of 46225logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more 46226appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the 46227four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector. 46228 . . . 46229Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible 46230blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves 46231parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge 46232of the hyper-cube. 46233% 46234The following statement is not true. 46235The previous statement is true. 46236% 46237The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws: 46238 46239 1. You can't push on a string. 46240 2. Ain't no free lunches. 46241 3. Them as has, gets. 46242 4. You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all. 46243% 46244The Force is what holds everything together. 46245It has its dark side, and it has its light side. 46246It's sort of like cosmic duct tape. 46247% 46248The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by 46249people who want some. 46250 -- Dwight MacDonald 46251% 46252The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe 46253because it lives in a forest. Likewise the friendship of persons 46254rests on mutual help. 46255 -- Laukikanyay 46256% 46257The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by 46258a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities. 46259% 46260The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused 46261received a fair trial, not a system to ensure an acquittal on technicalities. 46262% 46263The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip 46264objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air 46265due to levitation. 46266 Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur 46267if the character does not have fire resistance. 46268 -- README file from the NetHack game 46269% 46270The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and 46271vinyl. 46272 -- Dave Barry 46273% 46274[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people. 46275 -- W. Somerset Maugham 46276% 46277The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the 46278number of your kids by thirty-two teeth. 46279% 46280The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend 46281of both parties tactfully interferes. 46282 -- G. K. Chesterton 46283% 46284The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people, 46285but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons. 46286 -- Dr. David Butler, British psephologist 46287% 46288The future is a myth created by insurance 46289salesmen and high school counselors. 46290% 46291The future is a race between education and catastrophe. 46292 -- H. G. Wells 46293% 46294The future is going to be boring. 46295 -- J. G. Ballard 46296% 46297The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.) 46298% 46299The future lies ahead. 46300% 46301The future not being born, my friend, 46302we will abstain from baptizing it. 46303 -- George Meredith 46304% 46305The garden is in mourning; 46306The rain falls cool among the flowers. 46307Summer shivers quietly 46308On its way towards its end. 46309 46310Golden leaf after leaf 46311Falls from the tall acacia. 46312Summer smiles, astonished, feeble, 46313In this dying dream of a garden. 46314 46315For a long while, yet, in the roses, 46316She will linger on, yearning for peace, 46317And slowly 46318Close her weary eyes. 46319 -- Hermann Hesse, "September" 46320% 46321The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to chance. 46322% 46323The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the 46324people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people 46325drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return. 46326 -- Gore Vidal 46327% 46328The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep. 46329% 46330The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness. 46331% 46332The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled 46333today. 46334% 46335The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even 46336remember her first husband. 46337% 46338The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress. 46339% 46340The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear. 46341 -- Sophia Loren 46342% 46343The glances over cocktails 46344That seemed to be so sweet 46345Don't seem quite so amorous 46346Over Shredded Wheat 46347% 46348The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at 46349least until we've finished building it. 46350% 46351The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature 46352is to build better mice. 46353% 46354The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him 46355love and he invented marriage. 46356% 46357The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it 46358is your move. 46359 -- Frank Crane 46360% 46361The Golden Rule of Arts and Sciences: 46362 He who has the gold makes the rules. 46363% 46364The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who 46365make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians 46366have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine 46367man in the bonds of Hell. 46368 -- St. Augustine 46369% 46370The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got 46371to be good. 46372 -- John Barrymore 46373% 46374The good (I am convinced, for one) 46375Is but the bad one leaves undone. 46376Once your reputation's done 46377You can live a life of fun. 46378 -- Wilhelm Busch 46379% 46380The good life was so elusive 46381It really got me down 46382I had to regain some confidence 46383So I got into camouflage 46384% 46385The good time is approaching, 46386The season is at hand. 46387When the merry click of the two-base lick 46388Will be heard throughout the land. 46389The frost still lingers on the earth, and 46390Budless are the trees. 46391But the merry ring of the voice of spring 46392Is borne upon the breeze. 46393 -- Ode to Opening Day, "The Sporting News", 1886 46394% 46395The Gordian Maxim: 46396If a string has one end, it has another. 46397% 46398The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out 46399to be a bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work 46400and they can't fire it. 46401% 46402The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of 46403statistics. These are raised to the _nth degree, the cube roots are 46404extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive 46405displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every 46406case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts 46407down anything he damn well pleases. 46408 -- Sir Josiah Stamp 46409% 46410The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II. 46411Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people 46412and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping. 46413% 46414The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the 46415Christian Religion 46416 -- George Washington 46417% 46418The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma, 46419with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the 46420fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition. The Cabinet sent 46421for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice. He instantly replied, 46422"Send Lord Combermere." 46423 "But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord 46424Combermere a fool." 46425 "So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon." 46426 -- G. W. E. Russell 46427% 46428The goys have proven the following theorem... 46429 -- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom 46430 lecture. 46431% 46432The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all 46433who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature. 46434 -- Benjamin Franklin 46435% 46436The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses. 46437% 46438The grave's a fine and private place, 46439but none, I think, do there embrace. 46440 -- Andrew Marvell 46441% 46442The graveyards are full of indispensable men. 46443 -- Charles de Gaulle 46444% 46445The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog: 46446 The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in 46447courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk 46448clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods 46449of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp 46450Hedgehog Eater. 46451 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 46452% 46453The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude. 46454 -- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life" 46455% 46456The Great Movie Posters: 46457 46458*A Giggle Gurgling Gulp of Glee* 46459With Pretty Girls, Peppy Scenes, and Gorgeous Revues -- plus a good story. 46460 -- Tea with a Kick (1924) 46461 46462Whoopie! Let's go!... Hand-picked Beauties doing cute tricks! 46463GET IN THE KNOW FOR THE HEY-HEY WHOOPIE! 46464 -- The Wild Party (1929) 46465 46466YOU HEAR HIM MAKE LOVE! 46467DIX -- the dashing soldier! 46468 DIX -- the bold adventurer! 46469 DIX -- the throbbing lover! 46470 -- The Wheel of Life (1929) 46471 46472SEE CHARLES BUTTERWORTH DRIVE A STREETCAR AND SING LOVE 46473SONGS TO HIS MARE "MITZIE"! 46474 -- The Night is Young (1934) 46475% 46476The Great Movie Posters: 46477 46478A mis-spawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of an 46479unimaginable hell. 46480 -- The Killer of Castle Brood (1967) 46481 46482NEW -- SICKENING HORROR to make your STOMACH TURN and FLESH CRAWL! 46483 -- Frankenstein's Bloody Terror (1968) 46484 46485LUST-MAD MEN AND LAWLESS WOMEN IN A VICIOUS AND SENSUOUS ORGY OF 46486SLAUGHTER! 46487 -- Five Bloody Graves (1969) 46488 46489The family that slays together stays together. 46490 -- Bloody Mama (1970) 46491% 46492The Great Movie Posters: 46493 46494An AVALANCHE of KILLER WORMS! 46495 -- Squirm (1976) 46496 46497Most Movies Live Less Than Two Hours. 46498This Is One of Everlasting Torment! 46499 -- The New House on the Left (1977) 46500 46501WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU! 46502 -- Zombie (1980) 46503 46504It's not human and it's got an axe. 46505 -- The Prey (1981) 46506% 46507The Great Movie Posters: 46508 46509Different! Daring! Dynamic! Defying! Dumbfounding! 46510SEE Uncle Tom lead the Negroes to FREEDOM! 46511... Now, all the SENSUAL and VIOLENT passions Roots couldn't show on TV! 46512 -- Uncle Tom's Cabin (1972) 46513 46514An appalling amalgam of carnage and carnality! 46515 -- Flesh and Blood Show (1973) 46516 46517WHEN THE CATS ARE HUNGRY... 46518RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! 46519Alone, only a harmless pet... 46520 One Thousand Strong, They Become a Man-Eating Machine! 46521 -- The Night of a Thousand Cats (1972) 46522 46523They're Over-Exposed 46524But Not Under-Developed! 46525 -- Cover Girl Models (1976) 46526% 46527The Great Movie Posters: 46528 46529HOODLUMS FROM ANOTHER WORLD ON A RAY-GUN RAMPAGE! 46530 -- Teenagers from Outer Space (1959) 46531 46532Which will be Her Mate... MAN OR BEAST? 46533Meet Velda -- the Kind of Woman -- Man or Gorilla would kill... to Keep. 46534 -- Untamed Mistress (1960) 46535 46536NOW AN ALL-MIGHTY ALL-NEW MOTION PICTURE BRINGS THEM TOGETHER FOR THE 46537FIRST TIME... HISTORY'S MOST GIGANTIC MONSTERS IN COMBAT ATOP MOUNT FUJI! 46538 -- King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963) 46539% 46540The Great Movie Posters: 46541 46542HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS! 46543 -- The Cycle Savages (1969) 46544 46545The Hand that Rocks the Cradle... Has no Flesh on It! 46546 -- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971) 46547 46548TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS! 46549 -- I Eat Your Skin & I Drink Your Blood (1971 double-bill) 46550 46551They Went In People and Came Out Hamburger! 46552 -- The Corpse Grinders (1971) 46553% 46554The Great Movie Posters: 46555 46556KATHERINE HEPBURN as the lying, stealing, singing, preying witch girl 46557of the Ozarks... "Low down white trash"? Maybe so -- but let her hear 46558you say it and she'll break your head to prove herself a lady! 46559 -- Spitfire (1934) 46560 46561Do Native Women Live With Apes? 46562 -- Love Life of a Gorilla (1937) 46563 46564JUNGLE KISS!! 46565 When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her -- she 46566was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes -- 46567she was no longer the frozen-hearted high priestess under whose hypnotic 46568spell the worshipers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed -- she 46569was a girl in love! 46570 SEE the ravening charge of the hundred scared CROCODILES! 46571 -- Her Jungle Love (1938) 46572 46573LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE! 46574 -- Intermezzo (1939) 46575% 46576The Great Movie Posters: 46577 46578POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED! 46579 -- Never Take Candy from a Stranger (1963) 46580 46581She Sins in Mobile -- 46582Marries in Houston -- 46583Loses Her Baby in Dallas -- 46584Leaves Her Husband in Tucson -- 46585MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!... 46586FIRST -- HARLOW! 46587THEN -- MONROE! 46588NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!! 46589 -- The Rotten Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan 46590 46591*NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN! 46592A Horrifying Movie of Weird Beauties and Shocking Monsters... 465931001 WEIRDEST SCENES EVER!! MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY! 46594 -- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964) (Alternate Title: 46595 The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and 46596 Became Mixed Up Zombies) 46597% 46598The Great Movie Posters: 46599 46600SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT! 46601-- DANCING CALLED GO-GO 46602-- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU 46603-- NARCOTICS CALLED BANGI! 46604-- FIRES OF PUBERTY! 46605 SEE the burning of a virgin! 46606 SEE power of witch doctor over women! 46607 SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!! 46608 -- Kwaheri (1965) 46609 46610The Big Comedy of Nineteen-Sexty-Sex! 46611 -- Boeing-Boeing (1965) 46612 46613AN ASTRONAUT WENT UP- 46614A "GUESS WHAT" CAME DOWN! 46615 The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot tall monster to 46616give you the wim-wams! 46617 -- Monster a Go-Go (1965) 46618% 46619The Great Movie Posters: 46620 46621SEE rebel guerrillas torn apart by trucks! 46622SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures! 46623SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner! 46624 -- Sweet and Savage (1983) 46625 46626What a Guy! What a Gal! What a Pair! 46627 -- Stroker Ace (1983) 46628 46629It's always better when you come again! 46630 -- Porky's II: The Next Day (1983) 46631 46632You Don't Have to Go to Texas for a Chainsaw Massacre! 46633 -- Pieces (1983) 46634% 46635The Great Movie Posters: 46636 46637SHE TOOK ON A WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hog 46638on a roaring rampage of revenge! 46639 -- Bury Me an Angel (1972) 46640 46641WHAT'S THE SECRET INGREDIENT USED BY THE MAD BUTCHER FOR HIS SUPERB 46642SAUSAGES? 46643 -- Meat is Meat (1972) 46644 46645TODAY the Pond! 46646TOMORROW the World! 46647 -- Frogs (1972) 46648% 46649The Great Movie Posters: 46650 46651She's got the biggest six-shooters in the West! 46652 -- The Beautiful Blonde from Bashful Bend (1949) 46653 46654CAST OF 3,000! 466554 WRITERS, 466562 DIRECTORS, 466573 CAMERAMEN, 466583 PRODUCERS! 466591 YEAR TO MAKE THIS FILM -- 4666024 YEARS TO REHEARSE -- 4666120 YEARS TO DISTRIBUTE! 46662 BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS! 46663 AWE-INSPIRING! VITAL! 46664THE PRINCE OF PEACE PROVIDES THE ANSWER TO EVERY PROBLEM! 46665Be Brave-bring your troubles and your family to: 46666 HISTORY'S MOST SUBLIME EVENT! YOU'LL FIND GOD RIGHT IN THERE! 46667 -- The Prince of Peace (1948). Starring members of the 46668 Wichita Mountain Pageant featuring Millard Coody as Jesus. 46669% 46670The Great Movie Posters: 46671 46672The Miracle of the Age!!! A LION in your lap! A LOVER in your arms! 46673 -- Bwana Devil (1952) 46674 46675OVERWHELMING! ELECTRIFYING! BAFFLING! 46676Fire Can't Burn Them! Bullets Can't Kill Them! See the Unfolding of 46677the Mysteries of the Moon as Murderous Robot Monsters Descend Upon the 46678Earth! You've Never Seen Anything Like It! Neither Has the World! 46679 SEE... Robots from Space in All Their Glory!!! 46680 -- Robot Monster (1953) 46681 466821,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes, 46683802 scared bulls! 46684 -- The Egyptian (1954) 46685% 46686The Great Movie Posters: 46687 46688The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing 46689horror on a screaming world! 46690 -- The Crawling Eye (1958) 46691 46692SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, skyscraper limbs, 46693giant desires! 46694 -- Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman (1958) 46695 46696Here Is Your Chance To Know More About Sex. 46697What Should a Movie Do? Hide It's Head in the Sand Like an Ostrich? 46698Or Face the JOLTING TRUTH as does... 46699 -- The Desperate Women (1958) 46700% 46701The Great Movie Posters: 46702 46703They hungered for her treasure! And died for her pleasure! 46704SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer! 46705 -- The Golden Mistress (1954) 46706 46707See Jane Russell in 3-D; She'll Knock Both Your Eyes Out! 46708 -- The French Line (1954) 46709 46710See Jane Russell Shake Her Tambourines... and Drive Cornel WILDE! 46711 -- Hot Blood (1956) 46712% 46713The Great Movie Posters: 46714 46715When You're Six Tons -- And They Call You Killer -- It's Hard To Make 46716Friends... 46717 -- Namu, the Killer Whale (1966) 46718 46719Meet the Girls with the Thermo-Nuclear Navels! 46720 -- Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966) 46721 46722A GHASTLY TALE DRENCHED WITH GOUTS OF BLOOD SPURTING FROM THE VICTIMS 46723OF A CRAZED MADMAN'S LUST. 46724 -- A Taste of Blood (1967) 46725% 46726The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations 46727like prostitutes. 46728 -- Stanley Kubrick 46729% 46730The great question that has never been answered and which I have not 46731yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the 46732feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT? 46733 -- Sigmund Freud 46734% 46735The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight. 46736At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have 46737answered themselves. 46738 -- Arthur Binstead 46739% 46740The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men 46741of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding. 46742 -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis 46743% 46744The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers 46745is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood. 46746% 46747The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves. 46748 -- Sophocles 46749% 46750The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them 46751before him. To ride their horses and take away their possessions. To see 46752the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp 46753their wives and daughters to his arms. 46754 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan 46755% 46756The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's. 46757 -- Polish proverb 46758% 46759The Greatest Mathematical Error 46760 The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28 46761July 1962 towards Venus. After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would 46762give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells 46763would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course 46764corrections and after 100 days the craft would circle the unknown planet, 46765scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed. 46766 However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I 46767plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff. 46768 Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from 46769the instructions fed into the computer. "It was human error", a launch 46770spokesman said. 46771 This minus sign cost L4,280,000. 46772 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 46773% 46774The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none. 46775% 46776The greatest productive force is human selfishness. 46777 -- Robert A. Heinlein 46778% 46779The greatest remedy for anger is delay. 46780% 46781The groundhog is like most other prophets; 46782it delivers its message and then disappears. 46783% 46784The hand that feeds the chicken every day finally wrings its neck instead, 46785thus proving that more sophisticated views about the uniformity of nature 46786would have been useful to the chicken. 46787 46788 -- Bertrand Russell, "On Induction" 46789% 46790The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce. 46791 -- J. K. Galbraith 46792% 46793The hardest part of climbing the ladder of 46794success is getting through the crowd at the bottom. 46795% 46796The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. 46797 -- Albert Einstein 46798% 46799The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when 46800you put a lot of relatives on the train for home. 46801% 46802The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty 46803deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the 46804author's name on the title page. 46805 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, "Journals" (1831) 46806% 46807The hatred of relatives is the most violent. 46808 -- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117) 46809% 46810The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality 46811of functions performed by private citizens. 46812 -- Alexis de Tocqueville 46813% 46814The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom 46815whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow. 46816% 46817The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of. 46818 -- Blaise Pascal 46819% 46820The heart is wiser than the intellect. 46821% 46822...the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day. 46823% 46824The heaviest object in the world is the 46825body of the woman you have ceased to love. 46826 -- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues 46827% 46828The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: 46829 You can never be sure how many beers you had last night. 46830% 46831The help people need most urgently is 46832help in admitting that they need help. 46833% 46834The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent 46835thinkers. 46836% 46837The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet, 46838challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that 46839keeps the blood at heat. Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents 46840itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb 46841of innocence. To yield to its blandishments is so easy. The wrong, it seems, 46842is venial... Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of 46843adventurous youth. 46844 -- Benjamin Cardozo 46845% 46846The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back, 46847which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at 46848least 5000 years old." 46849% 46850The higher you climb, the more you show your ass. 46851 -- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad" 46852% 46853The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through 46854three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and 46855Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For 46856instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we 46857eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we 46858have lunch?". 46859 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" 46860% 46861The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases 46862are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy. Thus: 46863 46864Retribution: 46865 I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother. 46866Anticipation: 46867 I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother. 46868Diplomacy: 46869 I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the 46870 pretext that your brother did it. 46871% 46872The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars." 46873 -- Johnny Carson 46874% 46875The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease 46876to stifle our sighs and begin to stifle our yawns. 46877 -- Helen Rowland 46878% 46879The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and 46880she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator. 46881 -- Bill Lawrence 46882% 46883The horror... the horror! 46884% 46885The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for 46886lists of "Ten Best". 46887 -- H. Allen Smith 46888% 46889The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment 46890you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. 46891 -- Sir George Jessel 46892% 46893The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and 46894has gills through which it can see. 46895 -- Monty Python 46896% 46897The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its 46898capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system. 46899% 46900The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange 46901protein -- it rejects it. 46902 -- P. Medawar 46903% 46904The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can 46905remember. Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider 46906struggling to weave its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in 46907spring, the shark reveals to us yet another of the infinite and 46908wonderful facets of nature, namely the facet that it can bite your head 46909off. This causes us humans to feel a certain degree of awe. 46910 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 46911% 46912The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. 46913 -- Mark Twain 46914% 46915The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that 46916procession but carrying a banner. 46917 -- Mark Twain 46918% 46919The human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them. 46920 -- David Gerrold 46921% 46922The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons 46923that what she doesn't know won't hurt him. 46924 -- Leo J. Burke 46925% 46926The IBM 2250 is impressive ... 46927if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price. 46928 -- D. Cohen 46929% 46930The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair". 46931 -- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group" 46932% 46933The idea is to die young as late as possible. 46934 -- Ashley Montague 46935% 46936The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given 46937tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than 46938it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws). 46939 -- Doug Gwyn 46940% 46941The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic 46942devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers, 46943where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with 46944sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed, 46945consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than 46946have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones 46947repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist 46948of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic 46949devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!" 46950 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" 46951% 46952The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance, 46953no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife. 46954 -- Harry V. Wade 46955% 46956The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they 46957are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally 46958understood. Indeed, the world is ruled by little else. 46959 -- John Maynard Keynes 46960% 46961The identical is equal to itself, since it is different. 46962 -- Franco Spisani 46963% 46964The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest. 46965% 46966The idle mind knows not what it is it wants. 46967 -- Quintus Ennius 46968% 46969The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit 46970longer. 46971 -- Henry Kissinger 46972% 46973The Illiterati Programus Canto 1: 46974 A program is a lot like a nose: 46975 Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows. 46976% 46977The important thing is not to stop questioning. 46978% 46979The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop. 46980% 46981The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf 46982has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know 46983when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr. 46984 -- Will Rogers 46985% 46986The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important 46987point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly 46988important thing to people. 46989 -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King 46990% 46991The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is 46992a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell. 46993 -- Bertrand Russell 46994% 46995The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; 46996the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. 46997 -- Winston Churchill 46998% 46999The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth. And 47000there are searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a 47001pointer and a mark. 47002 -- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars" 47003% 47004The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the 47005number of participants. 47006 -- Adam Walinsky 47007% 47008The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling 47009the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without 47010affecting the most important political institutions. ... The new 47011style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quietly insinuates itself into 47012manners and customs, and from it ... goes on to attack laws and 47013constitutions, displaying the utmost impudence, until it ends by 47014overturning everything. 47015 -- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C. 47016% 47017The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided 47018by the number of people in the group. 47019% 47020The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free 47021information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a 47022dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a 47023real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless. 47024 47025So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never 47026pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big 47027consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes... 47028 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 47029% 47030The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They 47031treat the Arabs like postmen. 47032 -- Franklyn Ajaye 47033% 47034The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain, 47035knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God over the 47036Commandments. Finally a tired Moses came into sight. 47037 "I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said. "The 47038good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's 47039still in." 47040% 47041The Junior God now heads the roll 47042In the list of heaven's peers; 47043He sits in the House of High Control, 47044And he regulates the spheres. 47045Yet does he wonder, do you suppose, 47046If, even in gods divine, 47047The best and wisest may not be those 47048Who have wallowed awhile with the swine? 47049 -- R. W. Service 47050% 47051The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable 47052debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been 47053revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor 47054quality work. But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the 47055resurrection of competitiveness? Will charging the atmosphere of the 47056workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity? 47057Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but 47058to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not 47059hiring of the abuser. This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the 47060nation's productivity problem. If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate 47061goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the 47062drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization. 47063 -- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The 47064 Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace," 47065 Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol. 47066 10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768. 47067% 47068The Ken Thompson school of thought on expert systems: 47069there's table lookup, fraud, and grand fraud. 47070 -- Andrew Hume 47071% 47072The Kennedy Constant: 47073 Don't get mad -- get even. 47074% 47075The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets. 47076 -- L. Zadeh 47077% 47078The key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut. To reveal 47079an artist to the people can be to destroy him. It isn't to anyone's 47080advantage to see the truth. 47081 -- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer 47082% 47083The Killer Ducks are coming!!! 47084% 47085The kind of danger people most enjoy is 47086the kind they can watch from a safe place. 47087% 47088The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field: 47089 47090King: "How goes the battle plan?" 47091Advisor: "See those little black specks running to the right?" 47092K: "Yes." 47093A: "Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running 47094 to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till 47095 the dust clears." 47096K: "And?" 47097A: "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win." 47098K: "But what about the ^#!!$% battle plan?" 47099A: "So far, it seems to be going according to specks." 47100% 47101The knowledge that makes us cherish 47102innocence makes innocence unattainable. 47103 -- Irving Howe 47104% 47105The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill. It is 47106the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free 47107world by man, woman and child alike. An astounding 350 billion kosher 47108dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person 47109per day. New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill 47110really changed my life. I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and 47111drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle. 47112I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined. 47113And now, just look at me." 47114% 47115The ladies men admire, I've heard, 47116Would shudder at a wicked word. 47117Their candle gives a single light; 47118They'd rather stay at home at night. 47119They do not keep awake till three, 47120Nor read erotic poetry. 47121They never sanction the impure, 47122Nor recognize an overture. 47123They shrink from powders and from paints... 47124So far, I've had no complaints. 47125 -- Dorothy Parker 47126% 47127The language of politics is poetry, not prose. Jackson is poetry. 47128Cuomo is poetry. Dukakis is a word processor. 47129 -- Richard M. Nixon, on Meet the Press, April, 1988 47130% 47131The last good thing written in C was Franz Schubert's Symphony No. 9. 47132 -- Werner Trobin 47133% 47134The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for 47135everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired. 47136% 47137The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it. 47138% 47139The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first. 47140 -- Blaise Pascal 47141% 47142The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own 47143hand. 47144 -- Fred Allen 47145% 47146The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a word 47147processor.", I replied, "They used to say the same thing about drugs." 47148 -- Roy Blount, Jr. 47149% 47150The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away. 47151 -- Governor Tarkin 47152% 47153The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the poor, 47154to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal bread. 47155 -- Anatole France 47156% 47157The Law of the Letter: 47158 The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope. 47159% 47160The Law of the Perversity of Nature: 47161 You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. 47162% 47163The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the 47164law free. 47165 -- Henry David Thoreau 47166% 47167The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all men 47168should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the universal 47169weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we presently imagine 47170we own. 47171 -- H. G. Wells 47172% 47173The Least Perceptive Literary Critic 47174 The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A 47175most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to 47176give a public reading of his latest poem. 47177 Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord 47178Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr. 47179Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me." 47180 Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable 47181and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark 47182the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better 47183turn." 47184 After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr. 47185Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the 47186lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on 47187Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation 47188on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him 47189much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event." 47190 Pope took his advice, called on Lord Hallifax and read the poem 47191exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of 47192their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can 47193be better." 47194 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 47195% 47196The Least Successful Animal Rescue 47197 The firemen's strike of 1978 made possible one of the great animal 47198rescue attempts of all time. Valiantly, the British Army had taken over 47199emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly 47200lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a 47201tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty. 47202So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off 47203later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it. 47204 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 47205% 47206The Least Successful Collector 47207 Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She 47208was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had 47209amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the 47210works of Shakespeare. 47211 One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond 47212legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The 47213remaining three folios are now in the British Museum. 47214 The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned 47215the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The History of the 47216French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper. 47217 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 47218% 47219The Least Successful Defrosting Device 47220 The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster 47221whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it. 47222 "I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock. Somehow my lips 47223got stuck fast." 47224 While he was in the posture, an old lady passed an inquired if he 47225was all right. "Alra? Igmmlptk", he replied at which point she ran away. 47226 "I tried to tell her what had happened, but it came out sort of... 47227muffled," explained Mr. Rowlands, a pottery designer. 47228 He was trapped for twenty minutes ("I felt a bit foolish") until 47229constant hot breathing brought freedom. He was subsequently nicknamed "Hot 47230Lips". 47231 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 47232% 47233The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement 47234 In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish 47235Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality 47236legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay 47237enforcement officer. The advertisement offered different salary scales for 47238men and women. 47239 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 47240% 47241The Least Successful Executions 47242 History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention. 47243The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were 47244made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope 47245snapped, while on the third Mr. Samuels just hung there peacefully until he 47246and everyone else got bored. Since he had proved unsusceptible to capital 47247punishment, he was reprieved. 47248 The most important British executioner was Mr. James Berry who 47249tried three times in 1885 to hang Mr. John Lee at Exeter Jail, but on each 47250occasion failed to get the trap door open. 47251 In recognition of this achievement, the Home Secretary commuted 47252Lee's sentence to "life" imprisonment. He was released in 1917, emigrated 47253to America and lived until 1933. 47254 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 47255% 47256The Least Successful Police Dogs 47257 America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking 47258schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida 47259in 1978. He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or 47260offend the criminal classes. 47261 His handling officer, Rick Grim, had to admit: "He just won't go up 47262and bite them. I got sick and tired of doing that dog's work for him." 47263 The British contenders in this category, however, took things a 47264stage further. "Laddie" and "Boy" were trained as detector dogs for drug 47265raids. Their employment was terminated following a raid in the Midlands in 472661967. 47267 While the investigating officer questioned two suspects, they 47268patted and stroked the dogs who eventually fell asleep in front of the 47269fire. When the officer moved to arrest the suspects, one dog growled at 47270him while the other leapt up and bit his thigh. 47271 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 47272% 47273The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag. 47274 -- Kin Hubbard 47275% 47276The less time planning, the more time programming. 47277% 47278The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them. 47279 -- Lenny Bruce 47280% 47281The life which is unexamined is not worth living. 47282 -- Plato 47283% 47284The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching 47285train. 47286% 47287The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon. 47288% 47289The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon. 47290% 47291The Linimon's Rule About PRs: The More You Close, The More Will Come 47292% 47293The lion and the calf shall lie down 47294together but the calf won't get much sleep. 47295 -- Woody Allen 47296% 47297The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll. 47298She loves it -- and that's all. It is thus that we should love. 47299 -- DeGourmont 47300% 47301The little pieces of my life I give to you, 47302with love, to make a quilt to keep away the cold. 47303% 47304The little town that time forgot, 47305Where all the women are strong, 47306The men are good-looking, 47307And the children above-average. 47308 -- Prairie Home Companion 47309% 47310The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of his 47311door with a basket of kittens. 47312 "Hello, little girl, what do you have there?" 47313 "These are my Democratic kittens," she replied. 47314Amused, the pastor said nothing. Two weeks later he saw the same little 47315girl with (apparently) the same basket of kittens. 47316 "My, I see you still have your Democratic kittens.", he said. 47317 "No, you see, these are Republican kittens," she answered. 47318 "Two weeks ago they were Democratic kittens," he replied, puzzled. 47319 "Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed." 47320% 47321The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues, 47322for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be 47323simply making a limiting statement about himself. 47324 -- Sidney Harris 47325% 47326The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself. 47327 -- Henry Kissinger 47328% 47329The longer the title, the less important the job. 47330% 47331The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate. 47332 -- Marcus Terentius Varro 47333% 47334The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as 47335we could with both of them. 47336 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" 47337% 47338The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. 47339Indian Giver be the name of the Lord. 47340% 47341The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason that He makes 47342so many of them. 47343 -- Abraham Lincoln 47344% 47345The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons. 47346 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 47347% 47348The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of 47349the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at 47350her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic 47351Handsomas roared, "Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my 47352steel through your last meal!" 47353 -- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest 47354% 47355The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others. 47356% 47357The lunatic, the lover, and the poet, 47358Are of imagination all compact... 47359 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream" 47360% 47361The Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best. 47362% 47363The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end. 47364 -- Benjamin Disraeli 47365% 47366The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs. 47367 -- Kevin Cowherd 47368% 47369The major advances in civilization are processes 47370that all but wreck the societies in which they occur. 47371 -- A. N. Whitehead 47372% 47373The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the 47374bonds will eventually mature. 47375% 47376The major sin is the sin of being born. 47377 -- Samuel Beckett 47378% 47379The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play 47380the violin. 47381 -- Honore de Balzac 47382% 47383The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. 47384The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of 47385consistency. 47386 -- Albert Einstein 47387% 47388The makers may make 47389and the users may use, 47390but the fixers must fix 47391with but minimal clues 47392% 47393The man she had was kind and clean 47394And well enough for every day, 47395But oh, dear friends, you should have seen 47396The one that got away. 47397 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman" 47398% 47399The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner 47400 The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is 47401Hubert Cecil Booth. However, he got the idea from a man who almost 47402invented it. 47403 In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall. On the bill was an 47404American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets. 47405 The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top. 47406After watching the act -- which made everyone in the front six rows sneeze 47407-- Booth went round to the inventor's dressing room. 47408 "It should suck not blow," said Booth, coming straight to the 47409point. "Suck?", exclaimed the enraged inventor. "Your machine just moves 47410the dust around the room," Booth informed him. "Suck? Suck? Sucking is 47411not possible," was the inventor's reply and he stormed out. Booth proved 47412that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and 47413sucking the back of an armchair. "I almost choked," he said afterwards. 47414 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 47415% 47416The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the 47417crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no 47418one has ever been. 47419 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt 47420% 47421The man who has never been flogged has never been taught. 47422 -- Menander 47423% 47424The man who laughs has not yet been told the terrible news. 47425 -- Bertolt Brecht 47426% 47427The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas. 47428 -- H. G. Wells, "Time After Time" 47429% 47430The man who runs may fight again. 47431 -- Menander 47432% 47433The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount 47434Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant is forever blessed. 47435 -- Old Japanese proverb 47436% 47437The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that 47438will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. 47439 -- Mark Twain 47440% 47441The man who understands one woman is 47442qualified to understand pretty well everything. 47443 -- Yeats 47444% 47445The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has 47446to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?" 47447 -- Will Rogers 47448 47449The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit. 47450 -- Vice President John Nance Garner 47451% 47452The Marines: 47453 The few, the proud, the dead on the beach. 47454% 47455The Marines: 47456 The few, the proud, the not very bright. 47457% 47458The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning 47459wanting to change your name and start a new life in different city. 47460 -- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire" 47461% 47462The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, 47463while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one. 47464 -- Wilhelm Stekel 47465% 47466The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice 47467and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the 47468master calls a butterfly. 47469 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul 47470% 47471The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of 47472husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism 47473are one, and that one is Marxism. 47474 -- Heidi Hartmann, 47475 "The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism" 47476% 47477The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort! 47478% 47479The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a 47480soda can, which, when discarded will last forever -- and a $7,000 car 47481which, when properly cared for, will rust out in two or three years. 47482% 47483The mate for beauty should be a man and not a money chest. 47484 -- Bulwer 47485% 47486The mature Bohemian is one whose woman works full time. 47487% 47488The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, 47489always end up on their ends without any means. 47490 -- Saul Alinsky 47491% 47492The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out. 47493Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." 47494% 47495The meek don't want it. 47496% 47497The meek inherit the earth -- usually in small sections... about 6 by 3. 47498% 47499The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse. 47500% 47501The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that 47502time there won't be anything left worth inheriting. 47503% 47504The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights. 47505 -- J. P. Getty 47506% 47507The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe. 47508% 47509The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars. 47510% 47511The meek shall inherit the Earth. 47512(But they're gonna have to fight for it.) 47513% 47514The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you. 47515% 47516The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two 47517chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed. 47518 -- Carl G. Jung 47519% 47520[The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be 47521undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful 47522for impotency. 47523 -- Winston Churchill 47524% 47525The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz said, 47526 "Life is like a bowl of sour cream." 47527 "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?" 47528 "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?" 47529% 47530The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to 47531devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation. 47532 -- Lew Mammel, Jr. 47533% 47534The Microsoft Exchange MTA Stacks service depends on the Microsoft Exchange 47535System Attendant service which failed to start because of the following 47536error: 47537 47538The operation completed successfully. 47539 47540For more information, see Help and Support Center at 47541http://go.microsoft.com/fwlink/events.asp. 47542% 47543The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't. 47544% 47545The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another 47546mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same 47547being who produces the impressions. 47548 -- Marquis D. A. F. de Sade 47549% 47550The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might 47551be general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the 47552law that any field that had the word "science" in its name was 47553guaranteed thereby not to be a science. He would cite as examples 47554Military Science, Library Science, Political Science, Homemaking 47555Science, Social Science, and Computer Science. Discuss the generality 47556of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive power. 47557 -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems 47558 Thinking" 47559% 47560The Modelski Chain Rule: 475611: Look intently at the problem for several minutes. Scratch your 47562 head at 20-30 second intervals. Try solving the problem on your 47563 Hewlett-Packard. 475642: Failing this, look around at the class. Select a particularly 47565 bright-looking individual. 475663: Procure a large chain. 475674: Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely 47568 with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem. 47569 Generally, he will. It may also be a good idea to give him a sound 47570 thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business. 47571% 47572The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything. 47573 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter 47574% 47575"The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of 47576themselves," the old man said, no longer to me. "But what will become 47577of the bicuspids?" 47578 -- The Old Man and his Bridge 47579% 47580The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me. 47581 -- Nicol Williamson 47582% 47583The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader. 47584% 47585The moon is made of green cheese. 47586 -- John Heywood 47587% 47588The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away. 47589% 47590The Moral Majority is neither. 47591% 47592The more control, the more that requires control. 47593% 47594The more cordial the buyers secretary, the greater 47595the odds that the competition already has the order. 47596% 47597The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. 47598% 47599The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the 47600lower the mailing cost. 47601 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 47602% 47603The more I know men the more I like my horse. 47604% 47605The more I see of men the more I admire dogs. 47606 -- Mme De Sevigne (1626-1696) 47607% 47608The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work. 47609 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" 47610% 47611The more laws and order are made prominent, 47612the more thieves and robbers there will be. 47613 -- Lao Tsu 47614% 47615The more the merrier. 47616 -- John Heywood 47617% 47618The more they over-think the plumbing 47619the easier it is to stop up the drain. 47620% 47621The more things change, the more they remain the same. 47622 -- Alphonse Karr 47623% 47624The more things change, the more they stay insane. 47625% 47626The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again. 47627% 47628The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us 47629is right. 47630% 47631The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. 47632% 47633The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war. 47634% 47635The Moscow Evening News advertised a contest for the best political joke. 47636First prize was ten years in prison; second prize, five years; third prize, 47637three years; and there were six honorable mentions of one year each. 47638% 47639The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble. 47640% 47641The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey. 47642 -- Andy Warhol 47643% 47644The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk. 47645% 47646The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to 47647exhibit nor display thyself within the limits of our galaxy, but 47648rather depart instantaneously whence thou even now standest and 47649flee to yet another rotten planet in the universe, if thou canst 47650have the good fortune to find one. 47651 -- Carlyle 47652% 47653The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common 47654family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number 47655of people in the world named Mohammad Chang? 47656 -- Derek Wills 47657% 47658The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately 47659in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind. 47660 -- H. L. Mencken 47661% 47662The most dangerous food is wedding cake. 47663 -- American proverb 47664% 47665The most dangerous organization in America today is: 47666 47667 a) The KKK 47668 b) The American Nazi Party 47669 c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club 47670% 47671The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in 47672the country is the one on which you resell it. 47673 -- J. Brecheux 47674% 47675The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS 47676is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian. 47677% 47678The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and 47679to watch someone else do it wrong without comment. 47680 -- Theodore H. White 47681% 47682The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding. 47683% 47684The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does 47685not approach what your best friends say behind your back. 47686 -- Alfred De Musset 47687% 47688The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new 47689discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..." 47690 -- Isaac Asimov 47691% 47692The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a 47693ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last 47694it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal 47695woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children, 47696the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the 47697bite of fire. You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold 47698in your hands. The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman, 47699starts a long, long time before the event. 47700 -- W. B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham", 47701 from "Congress Eate It Up" 47702% 47703...the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man: 47704freshman English at a Midwestern university. 47705 -- Tom Wolfe 47706% 47707The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union 47708of a deaf man to a blind woman. 47709 -- Samuel T. Coleridge 47710% 47711The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise. 47712% 47713The most important early product on the way 47714to developing a good product is an imperfect version. 47715% 47716The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating 47717people to approach printed matter with distrust. 47718% 47719The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman 47720is that one of them be good at taking orders. 47721 -- Linda Festa 47722% 47723The most important things, each person must do for himself. 47724% 47725The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money. 47726 -- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I" 47727% 47728The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national 47729conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the 47730participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national 47731organization. 47732 The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national 47733organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness." The 47734orientation materials declared that this was "a historic moment" -- you 47735know, like Port Huron and the Sixties -- and the Rutgers host committee had 47736every reason to expect their goal would be accomplished. 47737 But it was not to be. Given that this was a conference of *New* 47738New Leftists, reason had nothing to do with it. 47739 A revealing article by Vania del Borgo and Maria Margaronis in "The 47740Nation", ["Beyond the Fragments," 3/26/88] says "The defining moment of the 47741weekend came when the conference was almost at its end. On Sunday morning, 47742a twenty-five-member students of color caucus confronted the assembled body 47743with its overwhelming whiteness..." Joined by the Gay & Bisexual Caucus, the 47744Students of Color Caucus declared that the founding of such an overwhelmingly 47745white organization would itself constitute a racist act. The four hundred or 47746so leftist activists were told that they had no right to ratify a constitution 47747or elect any officers. While recognizing "the need to examine the real 47748possibilities of a broad-based, racially diverse student movement" and paying 47749lip service to the need for "dialogue," they threatened to walk out if their 47750demands were not met. As *The Nation* article describes the scene: "To their 47751astonishment, their intervention was greeted with a standing ovation." Handed 47752an ultimatum which demanded that they disband, this would-be successor to the 47753radical student movements of the Sixties promptly voted itself out of 47754existence. As del Borgo and Margaronis put it, "After much chaotic discussion 47755and a confused voice vote, the convention suspended all its other work and 47756broke into regional groups to discuss `outreach.'" 47757 -- Libertarian Agenda, May 1988 47758% 47759The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she 47760served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never 47761been found. 47762 -- Calvin Trillin 47763% 47764The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the 47765biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to 47766them were fishermen. 47767 -- Arthur Binstead 47768% 47769The Most Unsuccessful Version Of The Bible 47770 The most exciting version of the Bible was printed in 1631 by Robert 47771Barker and Martin Lucas, the King's printers at London. It contained 47772several mistakes, but one was inspired -- the word "not" was omitted from 47773the Seventh Commandment and enjoined its readers, on the highest authority, 47774to commit adultery. 47775 Fearing the popularity with which this might be received in remote 47776country districts, King Charles I called all 1,000 copies back in and fined 47777the printers L3,000. 47778 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 47779% 47780The most winning woman I ever knew was hanged for poisoning three little 47781children for their insurance money. 47782 -- Sherlock Holmes 47783% 47784The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on. 47785% 47786The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, 47787 Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit 47788Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line, 47789 Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it. 47790% 47791The myth of romantic love holds that once you've fallen in love with the 47792perfect partner, you're home free. Unfortunately, falling out of love 47793seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it. 47794% 47795The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt. 47796 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 47797% 47798The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe. 47799 -- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy 47800% 47801The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 478021986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert. 47803 -- David Letterman 47804% 47805The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says: 47806 Support your right to bare arms! 47807% 47808The nearer to the church, the further from God. 47809 -- John Heywood 47810% 47811The Net interprets censorship as damage and routes around it. 47812 -- John Gilmore 47813% 47814The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded 47815in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but 47816occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that! 47817 -- James "Kibo" Parry 47818% 47819The net of law is spread so wide, 47820No sinner from its sweep may hide. 47821Its meshes are so fine and strong, 47822They take in every child of wrong. 47823O wondrous web of mystery! 47824Big fish alone escape from thee! 47825 -- James Jeffrey Roche 47826% 47827The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. 47828I hope I don't get run over again. 47829% 47830The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 47831doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. 47832% 47833THE NEW RIGHT: 47834 A javelin team that elects to receive. 47835% 47836The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory, 47837in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system. 47838 47839 But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for 47840 whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. 47841 -- Matthew 5:37 47842% 47843The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The 47844Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country. 47845The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive 47846and running the country ... 47847 -- Robert J. Woodhead 47848% 47849The next person to mention spaghetti stacks 47850to me is going to have his head knocked off. 47851 -- Bill Conrad 47852% 47853The next thing I say to you will be true. 47854The last thing I said was false. 47855% 47856The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people. 47857 -- Lucille S. Harper 47858% 47859The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to 47860choose from. 47861 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum 47862% 47863The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night. 47864% 47865The night passes quickly when you're asleep 47866But I'm out shufflin' for something to eat 47867... 47868Breakfast at the Egg House, 47869Like the waffle on the griddle, 47870I'm burnt around the edges, 47871But I'm tender in the middle. 47872 -- Adrian Belew 47873% 47874The notes blatted skyward as the rose over the Canada geese, feathered 47875rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen 47876bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim, 47877'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh. 47878 -- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest 47879% 47880The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the 4788180-column card. 47882 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 47883% 47884The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should 47885serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society 47886these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their 47887function is to serve as checks upon the state. 47888 -- Alan Barth 47889% 47890The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are 47891correct. 47892 -- Ralph Hartley 47893% 47894The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely 47895proportional to the number of bugs in their code. 47896% 47897The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success 47898of the barbecue. 47899% 47900The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine 47901increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice. 47902% 47903The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected. 47904 -- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972 47905% 47906The NY Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post 47907is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer 47908is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country. 47909 -- Robert Woodhead 47910% 47911The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly 47912analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their 47913occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve 47914these problems when called upon. 47915 47916However, when you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to 47917remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp. 47918% 47919The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million. 47920% 47921The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator". 47922% 47923The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: 47924 Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm, 47925Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate 47926Planning." 47927% 47928The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane: 47929 47930 Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless 47931 you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you 47932 is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the 47933 unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome. 47934% 47935The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps: 47936 47937 Use a sunlamp only on weekends. That way, if the office wise guy 47938 remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate 47939 some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La 47940 like Caneel Bay. Nothing is more transparent than leaving the 47941 office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun 47942 god at 8:15 the next morning. 47943% 47944The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds 47945is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been 47946more like fourteen. 47947 -- Robert Christgau, "Esquire" 47948% 47949The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the 47950New Hampshire-Vermont border. One day, the surveyors came to inform him that 47951they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont. 47952 "Thank heavens!" was his heartfelt reply. "I don't think I could have 47953taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!" 47954% 47955THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time 47956to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing to the 47957floor. 47958 47959"Sorry," he said with a smile. 47960 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 47961% 47962The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. 47963% 47964The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader 47965catch his own breath. 47966 -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart 47967% 47968The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age 47969brings wisdom. 47970 -- H. L. Mencken 47971% 47972The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity. 47973 -- Oscar Wilde 47974% 47975The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when 47976to cringe. 47977% 47978The one L lama, he's a priest 47979The two L llama, he's a beast 47980And I will bet my silk pyjama 47981There isn't any three L lllama. 47982 -- Ogden Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally 47983 his department responded to something like a "three L lllama." 47984% 47985The One Page Principle: 47986 A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper 47987 cannot be understood. 47988 -- Mark Ardis 47989% 47990The one sure way to make a lazy man look 47991respectable is to put a fishing rod in his hand. 47992% 47993The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed. 47994 -- Abbey Hoffman 47995% 47996The only certainty is that nothing is certain. 47997 -- Pliny the Elder 47998% 47999The only constant is change. 48000% 48001The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a 48002right turn on a red light. 48003 -- Woody Allen 48004% 48005The only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is 48006that the car salesman knows he's lying. 48007% 48008The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions. 48009% 48010The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that 48011every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. 48012 -- Oscar Wilde 48013% 48014The only difference in the game of love over the last few 48015thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds. 48016 -- The Indianapolis Star 48017% 48018The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look 48019respectable. 48020 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 48021% 48022The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal. 48023The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may 48024experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and 48025thinking: all the rest of the world is slow, gradual and stupid. Whoever 48026could feel the course of a light ray would be very happy, for it is very 48027swift. Thinking of oneself gives little happiness. If, however, one feels 48028much happiness in this, it is because at bottom one is not thinking of 48029oneself but of one's ideal. This is far, and only the swift shall reach 48030it and are delighted. 48031 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 48032% 48033The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism. 48034 -- Dorothy Parker 48035% 48036The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is 48037that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences; 48038beyond this they have no legitimacy. 48039 -- Albert Einstein 48040% 48041The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away 48042is your husband. 48043% 48044The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live, 48045mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, 48046the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn 48047like fabulous yellow Roman candles. 48048 -- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road" 48049% 48050The only people who make love all the time are liars. 48051 -- Louis Jordan 48052% 48053The only perfect science is hind-sight. 48054% 48055The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe. 48056% 48057The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the 48058"social sciences" is: some do, some don't. 48059 -- Ernest Rutherford 48060% 48061The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop 48062and take a rest. 48063% 48064The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane. 48065 -- Phaedrus 48066% 48067The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to 48068be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to 48069be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think 48070you've got something really great, add ten per cent more. 48071 -- Bill Veeck 48072% 48073The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a 48074plausible manner and a little literary ability. The capacity to steal 48075other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable. 48076 -- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On" 48077% 48078The only real advantage to punk music is that nobody can whistle it. 48079% 48080The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method 48081for getting acquainted. 48082 -- Heywood Broun 48083% 48084The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon. 48085 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and 48086 Over and Over" 48087% 48088The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it. 48089% 48090The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber 48091has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, 48092finished, and put inside boxes. 48093 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 48094% 48095The only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noise 48096of his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock. 48097 -- Colette 48098% 48099The only reward of virtue is virtue. 48100 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 48101% 48102The only rose without thorns is friendship. 48103% 48104The only thing better than love is milk. 48105% 48106The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk. 48107% 48108The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches 48109us nothing. 48110 -- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog) 48111% 48112The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that 48113the first one was useless. 48114 -- Nicolas Chamfort 48115% 48116The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any 48117use to oneself. 48118 -- Oscar Wilde 48119% 48120The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn. 48121 -- Earl Warren 48122 48123That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all 48124the lessons that history has to teach. 48125 -- Aldous Huxley 48126 48127We learn from history that we do not learn from history. 48128 -- Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel 48129 48130HISTORY: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn 48131nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened 48132this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view. 48133 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" 48134% 48135The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from 48136history. 48137 -- Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel 48138 48139I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the 48140long view. 48141 -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar" 48142% 48143The only thing which separates man from child is all the values 48144he has lost over the years. 48145 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 48146% 48147The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything. 48148 -- C. Schultz 48149% 48150The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge 48151and guilt. 48152 -- Elvis Costello 48153% 48154The only way to amuse some people 48155is to slip and fall on an icy pavement. 48156% 48157The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. 48158 -- Oscar Wilde 48159% 48160The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, 48161drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. 48162 -- Mark Twain 48163% 48164The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. 48165 -- David Gerrold 48166% 48167The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt 48168in the uneasiness experienced at being alone together. 48169 -- Jean de la Bruyere 48170% 48171The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up 48172until 5 or 6 PM. 48173% 48174The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite 48175of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. 48176 -- Niels Bohr 48177% 48178The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. 48179 -- Niels Bohr 48180% 48181The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is 48182waiting. 48183 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 48184% 48185The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds, 48186and the pessimist knows it. 48187 -- J. Robert Oppenheimer, "Bulletin of Atomic Scientists" 48188 48189Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking 48190almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all 48191possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true. 48192 -- James Cabell, "The Silver Stallion" 48193% 48194The optimum committee has no members. 48195 -- Norman Augustine 48196% 48197The opulence of the front office door varies 48198inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm. 48199% 48200The orders come down and they march us away. 48201There's a battle outside and we join in the fray. 48202God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day, 48203But it's better than working for Xerox. 48204 -- Frank Hayes, "Don't Ask" 48205% 48206The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost 48207went back in time. 48208 -- Steven Wright 48209% 48210The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. 48211 -- Steven Wright 48212% 48213The other line moves faster. 48214% 48215The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on 48216a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance 48217with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke 48218English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a 48219pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a coach. She smiled, nodded her 48220head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a 48221table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to 48222dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They 48223went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious 48224evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew 48225a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and to this day has 48226never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business. 48227% 48228The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me". 48229% 48230The party adjourned to a hot tub, yes. Fully clothed, I might add. 48231 -- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court 48232% 48233The passionate young thing was having a difficult time getting across what 48234she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend. Finally she asked, 48235 "Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?" 48236 "Gosh, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals." 48237% 48238The past always looks better than it was. 48239It's only pleasant because it isn't here. 48240 -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley) 48241% 48242The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it 48243were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. 48244 -- H. L. Mencken 48245% 48246The people sensible enough to give 48247good advice are usually sensible enough to give none. 48248% 48249The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly -- 48250not just when you occasionally are that way, but also when you 48251waver, when you forget yourself, act like less than you are. 48252In time, you become more like his vision of you -- which is the 48253person you have always wanted to be. 48254 -- Nancy Friday 48255% 48256The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M. 48257 -- Charles Pierce 48258% 48259The perfect man is the true partner. Not a bed partner nor a fun partner, 48260but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that 48261quality of joy. 48262 -- Erica Jong 48263% 48264The person who can smile when something 48265goes wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. 48266% 48267The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything. 48268% 48269The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it. 48270% 48271The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying. 48272% 48273The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes. 48274% 48275The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip 48276market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and 48277is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose" 48278 -- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982 48279% 48280The philosopher's treatment of a question 48281is like the treatment of an illness. 48282 -- Wittgenstein 48283% 48284The Phone Booth Rule: 48285 A lone dime always gets the number nearly right. 48286% 48287The Pig, if I am not mistaken, 48288Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. 48289Let others think his heart is big, 48290I think it stupid of the Pig. 48291 -- Ogden Nash 48292% 48293The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter 48294swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the 48295batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The 48296center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute 48297his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it. 48298 -- Dizzy Dean 48299% 48300The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose. 48301 -- David Lardner 48302% 48303The plural of spouse is spice. 48304% 48305The Poems, all three hundred of them, 48306may be summed up in one of their phrases: 48307"Let our thoughts be correct". 48308 -- Confucius 48309% 48310The Poet Whose Badness Saved His Life 48311 The most important poet in the seventeenth century was George 48312Wither. Alexander Pope called him "wretched Wither" and Dryden said of his 48313verse that "if they rhymed and rattled all was well". 48314 In our own time, "The Dictionary of National Biography" notes that his 48315work "is mainly remarkable for its mass, fluidity and flatness. It usually 48316lacks any genuine literary quality and often sinks into imbecile doggerel". 48317 High praise, indeed, and it may tempt you to savour a typically 48318rewarding stanza: It is taken from "I loved a lass" and is concerned with 48319the higher emotions. 48320 She would me "Honey" call, 48321 She'd -- O she'd kiss me too. 48322 But now alas! She's left me 48323 Falero, lero, loo. 48324 Among other details of his mistress which he chose to immortalize 48325was her prudent choice of footwear. 48326 The fives did fit her shoe. 48327 In 1639 the great poet's life was endangered after his capture by 48328the Royalists during the English Civil War. When Sir John Denham, the 48329Royalist poet, heard of Wither's imminent execution, he went to the King and 48330begged that his life be spared. When asked his reason, Sir John replied, 48331"Because that so long as Wither lived, Denham would not be accounted the 48332worst poet in England." 48333 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 48334% 48335The poetry of heroism appeals irresistibly to those who don't go to a war, 48336and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy." 48337 -- Celine 48338% 48339The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad 48340trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and 48341save your sanity for later. 48342% 48343The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish 48344to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it 48345is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of 48346courtesy, not expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own 48347preferences. Only then can we hope to restore the insult to its proper 48348social function of expressing true distaste. 48349 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to 48350 Excruciatingly Correct Behavior" 48351% 48352The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment. 48353To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog. 48354 -- Buckminster Fuller 48355% 48356The pollution's at that awkward stage. 48357Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate. 48358 -- Doug Sneyd 48359% 48360The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more often. 48361% 48362The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it. 48363 -- Anthony Burgess 48364% 48365The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor 48366prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, 48367or to the people. 48368 -- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights) 48369% 48370The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher, 48371 Were each of them once a kiddie. 48372A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature. 48373 Do I want one? God Forbiddie! 48374 -- Ogden Nash 48375% 48376The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his 48377brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is 48378Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers. 48379 -- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter 48380% 48381The prettiest women are almost always the most 48382boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God. 48383 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 48384% 48385The price of greatness is responsibility. 48386% 48387The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday 48388they might force their beliefs on us. 48389 -- Mario Cuomo 48390% 48391The price of success in philosophy is triviality. 48392 -- C. Glymour 48393% 48394The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate 48395knowledge of its ugly side. 48396 -- James Baldwin 48397% 48398The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired 48399warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by 48400changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped 48401marker. 48402 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 48403% 48404The primary function of the design engineer is to make things 48405difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman. 48406% 48407The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to 48408constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every 48409appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA 48410statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This 48411also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change. 48412 -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers 48413% 48414The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough 48415voters to win the next election. 48416% 48417The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" 48418represents the secondary theme: 48419 48420 Law Enforcement Officials 48421 48422The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: 48423 48424 Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials 48425 -- M. Gallaher 48426% 48427The probability of someone watching you is directly 48428proportional to the stupidity of your action. 48429% 48430The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the 48431stupidity of your action. 48432% 48433The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. 48434Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil 48435using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle 48436Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, 48437etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous 48438bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None 48439of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats 48440developed cancer. 48441 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 48442% 48443The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, 48444a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem. 48445 -- Mike Smith 48446% 48447The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go 48448to erase it. 48449 -- Glaser and Way 48450% 48451The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have 48452to sleep every few days. 48453% 48454The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my 48455time. My speed is very fast. Some ministers have had to drop out of my 48456government because they could not keep up. 48457 -- Idi Amin Dada 48458% 48459The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that 48460for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good 48461requires intent. 48462% 48463The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can 48464be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. 48465 -- Elizabeth Taylor 48466% 48467The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 48468% 48469The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty 48470for incompetence. 48471% 48472The problems of business administration in general, and database management in 48473particular are much too difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded 48474with sloppy English. 48475 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 48476% 48477The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid, 48478stable business. 48479 -- John Steinbeck 48480% 48481The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead. 48482% 48483The proof of the pudding is in the eating. 48484 -- Miguel de Cervantes 48485% 48486The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel 48487and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a 48488horse. 48489 -- Jac Goudsmit 48490% 48491The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper 48492thoughts about their neighbours. 48493 -- F. H. Bradley 48494% 48495The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's 48496outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by 48497mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once 48498tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims 48499the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding. 48500 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 48501% 48502The public demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bit 48503raucously that this is true and that is false. But there are no 48504certainties. 48505 -- H. L. Mencken, "Prejudice" 48506% 48507The Public is merely a multiplied "me." 48508 -- Mark Twain 48509% 48510The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but 48511because it gave pleasure to the spectators. 48512 -- Thomas Macaulay, "History of England" 48513% 48514The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're 48515not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not 48516engineers. 48517% 48518The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's: 48519 "My brain is paged out to my liver" 48520% 48521The quality of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder. 48522% 48523The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to 48524join in checking this mad, wicked folly of "Woman's Rights", with all its 48525attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent, forgetting every 48526sense of womanly feeling and propriety. Lady-- ought to get a good 48527whipping. It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot 48528contain herself. God created men and women different -- then let them 48529remain each in their own position. 48530 -- Letter to Sir Theodore Martin, 29 May 1870, from 48531 Queen Victoria 48532% 48533The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is 48534it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, 48535that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of 48536industrial waste? 48537 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" 48538% 48539The questions remain the same. 48540The answers are eternally variable. 48541% 48542The Rabbits The Cow 48543Here is a verse about rabbits The cow is of the bovine ilk; 48544That doesn't mention their habits. One end is moo, the other, milk. 48545 -- Ogden Nash 48546% 48547The race is not always to the swift, nor the 48548battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet. 48549 -- Damon Runyon 48550% 48551The rain it raineth on the just 48552And also on the unjust fella: 48553But chiefly on the just, because 48554The unjust steals the just's umbrella. 48555 -- Lord Bowen 48556% 48557The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi. 48558% 48559The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise 48560measurement of the speed of blight. 48561% 48562The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the 48563illiterates can read. 48564 -- Alberto Moravia 48565% 48566The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is 48567cursed. 48568% 48569The real man's Bloody Mary: 48570 Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tabasco, Worcestershire 48571 sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery. 48572 48573 Fill a large tumbler with vodka. 48574 Throw all the other ingredients away. 48575% 48576The real problem with hunting elephants carrying the decoys. 48577% 48578The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking. 48579 -- Christopher Morley 48580% 48581The real reason large families benefit society is because at least 48582a few of the children in the world shouldn't be raised by beginners. 48583% 48584The real reason psychology is hard is that 48585psychologists are trying to do the impossible. 48586% 48587The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music. 48588% 48589The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much. 48590% 48591The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose", 48592which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape 48593Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil 48594Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like. 48595 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 48596% 48597The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love. 48598 -- Don Rose 48599% 48600The reason that every major university maintains a department of 48601mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those 48602people. 48603% 48604The reason they're called wisdom teeth 48605is that the experience makes you wise. 48606% 48607The reason we come up with new versions is not to fix bugs. It's 48608absolutely not. 48609 -- Bill Gates 48610% 48611The reason why worry kills more people 48612than work is that more people worry than work. 48613% 48614The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one 48615persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all 48616progress depends on the unreasonable man. 48617 -- George Bernard Shaw 48618% 48619The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its 48620financial commitments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of 48621a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy 48622industry, Honduras because the coffee price went sour, Zaire because 48623nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country. 48624 -- Paul Erdman's Money Book 48625% 48626The relative importance of files depends on their cost 48627in terms of the human effort needed to regenerate them. 48628 -- T. A. Dolotta 48629% 48630The requirements of romantic love are difficult to satisfy in the trunk 48631of a Dodge Dart. 48632 -- Lisa Alther 48633% 48634The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher 48635Called a hen a most elegant creature. 48636 The hen, pleased with that, 48637 Laid an egg in his hat -- 48638And thus did the hen reward Beecher. 48639 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes 48640% 48641The reverse side also has a reverse side. 48642 -- Japanese proverb 48643% 48644The revolution will not be televised. 48645% 48646The reward for working hard is more hard work. 48647% 48648The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. 48649 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 48650% 48651The rhino is a homely beast, 48652For human eyes he's not a feast. 48653Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros, 48654I'll stare at something less prepoceros. 48655 -- Ogden Nash 48656% 48657The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer. 48658The haves get more, the have-nots die. 48659% 48660The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. 48661This means that only left handed people are in their right mind. 48662% 48663The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests 48664and to his imagination for his facts. 48665 -- Sheridan 48666% 48667The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be 48668taken seriously. 48669 -- Hubert H. Humphrey 48670% 48671The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom. 48672 -- Justice Douglas 48673% 48674The right to revolt has sources deep in our history. 48675 -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas 48676% 48677The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared 48678for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his 48679infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and 48680upon the successful management of which so much remains. 48681 -- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist 48682% 48683The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the 48684House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights 48685you have and what rights you have not got. 48686 -- J. Parnell Thomas 48687% 48688The ripest fruit falls first. 48689 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" 48690% 48691The road to Hades is easy to travel. 48692 -- Bion 48693% 48694The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with 48695sloppy analysis! 48696% 48697The road to hell is paved with NAND gates. 48698 -- J. Gooding 48699% 48700The road to ruin is always in good repair, 48701and the travellers pay the expense of it. 48702 -- Josh Billings 48703% 48704The Roman Rule 48705 The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the 48706 one who is doing it. 48707% 48708The root of all superstition is that men 48709observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses. 48710 -- Francis Bacon 48711% 48712The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us. 48713% 48714The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in 48715his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on 48716one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't 48717take it too seriously. 48718 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 48719% 48720The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today. 48721 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) 48722% 48723The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or 48724give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once. 48725 -- Jane Bryant Quinn 48726% 48727The rules are rather simple to understand: Under democracy you 48728can defend any view, but only defend it. You can not try to realize 48729it through power, violence or weapons. 48730 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 48731% 48732The rules: 48733 487341: Thou shalt not worship other computer systems. 487352: Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while sitting at 48736 the console keyboard. 487373: Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly little 48738 card decks together. 487394: Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system, 48740 especially if you're already married. 487415: Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as Frisbees, nor use a disk pack as 48742 a stool to reach another disk pack. 487436: Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one 8 hour 48744 shift. 487457: Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their 48746 files/backup just to see the look on their little faces. 487478: Thou shalt not enjoy canceling a job. 487489: Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room. 4874910: Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens". 48750% 48751The Russians have put a small ball up in the air. 48752That does not raise my apprehensions one iota. 48753 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 48754% 48755The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market 48756award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal 48757gesture by the individual to himself. 48758 -- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal" 48759% 48760The San Diego Freeway. Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics! 48761% 48762The savior becomes the victim. 48763% 48764The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse. 48765 48766Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'. 48767Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..." 48768 48769Horse: "No, stupid, not feed*back*. I said I wanted a feed*bag*. 48770% 48771"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography" 48772% 48773The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 48774showed that all had these things in common: 48775 48776 (1) They all had moderate appetites. 48777 (2) They all came from middle class homes. 48778 (3) All but two of them were dead. 48779% 48780The scum also rises. 48781 -- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson 48782% 48783The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is 48784a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings 48785of civilization. 48786 -- T. K. 48787% 48788The second best policy is dishonesty. 48789% 48790The Second Law of Thermodynamics: 48791 If you think things are in a mess now, just wait! 48792 -- Jim Warner 48793% 48794The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody. 48795% 48796The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food. 48797% 48798The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, 48799you've got it made. 48800 -- Jean Giraudoux 48801% 48802The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; 48803there is no humor in Heaven. 48804 -- Mark Twain 48805% 48806The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone 48807beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I can see why! 48808 -- Harry Skelton 48809% 48810The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, 48811respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven millstones 48812from Man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the 48813millstones are lifted. 48814 -- George Bernard Shaw 48815% 48816The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he 48817reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray 48818Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace 48819of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of 48820him are dead, he is alive. 48821 Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached 48822everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce 48823host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and 48824equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city." 48825 "How?" demanded Fafhrd. 48826 Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know." 48827 -- Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar" 48828% 48829The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth, 48830and sixth years. 48831% 48832The sheep died in the wool. 48833% 48834The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land. 48835% 48836The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends. 48837 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero 48838% 48839The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line. 48840% 48841The shortest distance between two points is under construction. 48842 -- Noelie Alito 48843% 48844The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed. 48845 -- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia 48846% 48847The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft 48848voice, sweet speech, wisdom, needlework, and chastity. 48849 -- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907 48850% 48851The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee: 48852 The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going 48853in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long 48854way.) 48855 -- Dan Roddick 48856% 48857The sixth sheik's sixth sheep's sick. 48858 -- [just say that five times...] 48859% 48860The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing. 48861 -- Judge Harold T. Stone 48862% 48863The smallest worm will turn being trodden on. 48864 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 48865% 48866The smiling Spring comes in rejoicing, 48867And surly Winter grimly flies. 48868Now crystal clear are the falling waters, 48869And bonnie blue are the sunny skies. 48870Fresh o'er the mountains breaks forth the morning, 48871The ev'ning gilds the oceans's swell: 48872All creatures joy in the sun's returning, 48873And I rejoice in my bonnie Bell. 48874 48875The flowery Spring leads sunny Summer, 48876The yellow Autumn presses near; 48877Then in his turn come gloomy Winter, 48878Till smiling Spring again appear. 48879Thus seasons dancing, life advancing, 48880Old Time and Nature their changes tell; 48881But never ranging, still unchanging, 48882I adore my bonnie Bell. 48883 -- Robert Burns, "My Bonnie Bell" 48884% 48885The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an 48886"airplane-seat" metaphor. Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers 48887while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference -- 48888one can see only a very few things at once. 48889 -- Frederick Brooks, Jr. 48890% 48891The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the 48892rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors. 48893 -- Max Lerner 48894% 48895The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity and 48896tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted activity will 48897have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy... neither its pipes nor 48898its theories will hold water. 48899% 48900The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door 48901He said, "I am not fighting for you anymore" 48902The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before 48903And slowly she let him inside. 48904 48905He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young 48906But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won 48907And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun 48908And now will you tell me why?" 48909 -- Suzanne Vega, "The Queen and The Soldier" 48910% 48911The solution of problems is the most characteristic 48912and peculiar sort of voluntary thinking. 48913 -- William James 48914% 48915The solution of this problem is trivial 48916and is left as an exercise for the reader. 48917% 48918The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from 48919his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was 48920sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and 48921active, and had the strange notion that church should also be active and 48922exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little disappointed with the 48923dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it. 48924 For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and 48925vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation 48926was horrified! He changed the order of the service. The congregation was 48927horrified! Then came the children's lesson. 48928 For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table. 48929The congregation was mortified! He sat there swinging his legs against 48930the table as the children gathered around him. 48931 He asked the children, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?" 48932 There was total silence. 48933 He asked again, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?" 48934 Total silence. 48935 Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please, 48936sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me." 48937% 48938The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their money. 48939 -- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon" 48940% 48941The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up! 48942% 48943The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be 48944able to correct them. 48945 -- Nicolaides 48946% 48947The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. 48948% 48949The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound. 48950In town a noun might wear a gown, 48951or further down, might dress a clown. 48952A noun that's sound would never clown, 48953but unsound nouns jump up and down. 48954The sound of a noun could disturb the plowing, 48955and then, my dear, you'd be put in the pound. 48956But please don't let that get you down, 48957the renown of your gown is the talk of the town. 48958 -- A. Nonnie Mouse 48959% 48960The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's 48961readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of 48962some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet 48963reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led 48964the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well 48965known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at 48966Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program 48967of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of 48968psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three 48969Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That 48970these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a 48971further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want 48972something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from 48973the Russians. 48974 -- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973 48975% 48976The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet 48977themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week 48978against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat 48979Russian, get off my Ford Escort." 48980 -- Dennis Miller 48981% 48982The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything. 48983% 48984The spirit of Plato dies hard. We have been unable to escape the 48985philosophical tradition that what we can see and measure in the world 48986is merely the superficial and imperfect representation of an underlying 48987reality. 48988 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" 48989% 48990The star of riches is shining upon you. 48991% 48992The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers 48993written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not 48994follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces 48995of paper in any other parts of the Universe. This single statement took 48996the scientific world by storm. So many mathematical conferences got held 48997in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation 48998died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put 48999back by years. 49000 -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything" 49001% 49002The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub. 49003% 49004The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin. 49005 -- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices" 49006% 49007The state that separates its scholars from its warriors will have its 49008thinking done by cowards, and its fighting by fools. 49009 49010 -- Thucydides 49011% 49012The steady state of disks is full. 49013 -- Ken Thompson 49014% 49015The story of the butterfly: 49016 "I was in Bogota and waiting for a lady friend. I was in love, 49017a long time ago. I waited three days. I was hungry but could not go 49018out for food, lest she come and I not be there to greet her. Then, on 49019the third day, I heard a knock." 49020 "I hurried along the old passage and there, in the sunlight, 49021there was nothing." 49022 "Just," Vance Joy said, "a butterfly, flying away." 49023 -- Peter Carey, BLISS 49024% 49025The story you are about to hear is true. 49026Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. 49027% 49028The street preacher looked so baffled 49029When I asked him why he dressed 49030With forty pounds of headlines 49031Stapled to his chest. 49032But he cursed me when I proved to him 49033I said, "Not even you can hide. 49034You see, you're just like me. 49035I hope you're satisfied." 49036 -- Bob Dylan 49037% 49038The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make 49039them unsafe. 49040 -- Mayor Frank Rizzo 49041% 49042The streets were dark with something more than night. 49043 -- Raymond Chandler 49044% 49045The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay. 49046% 49047The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence. He 49048can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless 49049existence recurring eternally. The second characteristic of such a man is 49050that he has the strength to recognize -- and to live with the recognition -- 49051that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones. 49052He creates himself by fashioning his own values; he has the pride to live 49053by the values he wills. 49054 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 49055% 49056The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and 49057is an emerging underachiever. 49058% 49059The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant 49060biology. 49061% 49062"The subspace _W inherits the other 8 properties of _V. And there aren't 49063even any property taxes." 49064 -- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b 49065% 49066The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have 49067yet to learn - only the savage fears what he does not understand. 49068 -- The Silver Surfer 49069% 49070The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant. 49071The population is, of course, growing. 49072% 49073The sum of the Universe is zero. 49074% 49075The sun never sets on those who ride into it. 49076 -- RKO 49077% 49078The sun was shining on the sea, 49079Shining with all his might: 49080He did his very best to make 49081The billows smooth and bright -- 49082And this was very odd, because it was 49083The middle of the night. 49084 -- Lewis Carroll, 49085 "Through the Looking-Glass, 49086 and What Alice Found There" (1871) 49087% 49088The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness. 49089 -- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed" 49090% 49091The superfluous is very necessary. 49092 -- Voltaire 49093% 49094The superior man understands what is right; 49095the inferior man understands what will sell. 49096 -- Confucius 49097% 49098The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling their 49099way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the other, 49100whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to ascribe to the other 49101side a consistency, foresight and coherence that its own experience belies. 49102Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage to each other, not to 49103speak of the room. 49104 -- Henry Kissinger 49105% 49106The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed. 49107% 49108The surest protection against temptation is cowardice. 49109 -- Mark Twain 49110% 49111The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife. 49112% 49113The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher 49114esteem those who think alike than those who think differently. 49115 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 49116% 49117The surest way to remain a winner is to 49118win once, and then not play any more. 49119% 49120The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core -- 49121Scratch a lover and find a foe! 49122 -- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness" 49123% 49124The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday. 49125% 49126The system will be down for 10 days for preventative maintenance. 49127% 49128The Tao doesn't take sides; 49129it gives birth to both wins and losses. 49130The Guru doesn't take sides; 49131she welcomes both hackers and lusers. 49132 49133The Tao is like a stack: 49134the data changes but not the structure. 49135the more you use it, the deeper it becomes; 49136the more you talk of it, the less you understand. 49137 49138Hold on to the root. 49139% 49140The Tao is like a glob pattern: 49141used but never used up. 49142It is like the extern void: 49143filled with infinite possibilities. 49144 49145It is masked but always present. 49146I don't know who built to it. 49147It came before the first kernel. 49148% 49149The tao that can be tar(1)ed 49150is not the entire Tao. 49151The path that can be specified 49152is not the Full Path. 49153 49154We declare the names 49155of all variables and functions. 49156Yet the Tao has no type specifier. 49157 49158Dynamically binding, you realize the magic. 49159Statically binding, you see only the hierarchy. 49160 49161Yet magic and hierarchy 49162arise from the same source, 49163and this source has a null pointer. 49164 49165Reference the NULL within NULL, 49166it is the gateway to all wizardry. 49167% 49168The technician should never forget that he is an artist, the 49169artist never that he is a technician. 49170 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 49171% 49172The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer 49173them a drink. 49174 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview" 49175% 49176The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available 49177data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon 49178shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, 49179as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much 49180radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times 49181as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all. The light we 49182receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the 49183Sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature 49184of Heaven. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where 49185the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, 49186i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using 49187the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute 49188temperature of the earth (~300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact 49189temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the 49190temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas. 49191Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their 49192part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten 49193brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 49194or 444.6C (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.) We have, 49195then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. 49196 -- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972 49197% 49198The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled 49199culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale. 49200% 49201The Ten Commandments for Technicians: 49202 1: Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged 49203 capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a 49204 most untechnician-like manner. 49205 49206 7: Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy 49207 fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console 49208 her in other ways. 49209% 49210The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene 49211of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process 49212as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The 49213employee is simply there one instant, and gone the next. All the terrible 49214temper tantrums, crying, and threats are eliminated. 49215 -- Kenny's Korner 49216% 49217The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed 49218ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. 49219 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald 49220% 49221The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. 49222 -- Aldo Leopold 49223% 49224The thing that takes up the least amount of time 49225and causes the most amount of trouble is sex. 49226% 49227The things that interest people most are usually none of their business. 49228% 49229The Third Law of Photography: 49230 If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined 49231 when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of 49232 the dark leaks out. 49233% 49234The thought of being President frightens me and I do not think I 49235want the job. 49236 -- Ronald Reagan in 1973 49237 49238Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he 49239would have lost. 49240 -- Mort Sahl 49241 49242Ronald Reagan is a triumph of the embalmer's art. 49243 -- Gore Vidal 49244 49245Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey, I'm a big good-looking guy and 49246I need a lot of sleep. 49247 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr. 49248 49249You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because when you quote him 49250accurately it's called mudslinging. 49251 -- Walter Mondale 49252% 49253The Thought Police are here. They've come 49254To put you under cardiac arrest. 49255And as they drag you through the door 49256They tell you that you've failed the test. 49257 -- Buggles, "Living in the Plastic Age" 49258% 49259The three best things about going to school are June, July, and August. 49260% 49261The three biggest software lies: 49262 49263 1: *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source. 49264 2: *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from 49265 will fix the microcode. 49266 3: Beta test site? No, *of course* you're not a beta test site. 49267% 49268The three laws of thermodynamics: 49269 (1) You can't get anything without working for it. 49270 (2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even. 49271 (3) You can only break even at absolute zero. 49272% 49273THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND: 49274 492751) Where's the bathroom? 492762) What time does the parade start? 492773) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it? 49278% 49279The three most dangerous things in the world are a programmer with a 49280soldering iron, a hardware type with a program patch and a user with 49281an idea. 49282 -- The Wizardry Compiled by Rick Cook 49283% 49284The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive? 492852. Is it amusing? 3. Does it know its place? 49286 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 49287% 49288The three rules of international air travel: 49289 49290(1) Never fly on Aeroflot if you can possibly avoid it (this used 49291 to be Braniff or Aeroflot). 49292(2) Never bet a whole lot of money on two little pairs unless you 49293 know *exactly* what you're doing. 49294(3) Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own. 49295% 49296The thrill is here, but it won't last long 49297You'd better have your fun before it moves along... 49298% 49299The time for action is past! 49300Now is the time for senseless bickering. 49301% 49302The time is right to make new friends. 49303% 49304The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance 49305committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved. 49306 -- C. N. Parkinson 49307% 49308The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut. 49309The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of 49310Judgment Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by 49311mid-afternoon had blackened over so densely that, in that religious age, 49312men fell on their knees and begged a final blessing before the end came. 49313The Connecticut House of Representatives was in session. And, as some of 49314the men fell down and others clamored for an immediate adjournment, the 49315Speaker of the House, one Col. Davenport, came to his feet. He silenced 49316them and said these words: "The day of judgment is either approaching or 49317it is not. If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment. If it is, I 49318choose to be found doing my duty. I wish therefore that candles may be 49319brought." 49320 -- Alistair Cooke 49321% 49322The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless. 49323 -- Hosea Ballou 49324% 49325The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad. 49326% 49327The tree of research must from time to time 49328be refreshed with the blood of bean counters. 49329 -- Alan Kay 49330% 49331The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men, 49332but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings. 49333 -- Little Big Man 49334% 49335The trouble with a kitten is that 49336When it grows up, it's always a cat 49337 -- Ogden Nash 49338% 49339The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator. 49340% 49341The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time. 49342% 49343The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate 49344it. 49345 -- Franklin P. Jones 49346% 49347The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing 49348more important to do. 49349% 49350The trouble with computers is that they do 49351what you tell them, not what you want. 49352 -- D. Cohen 49353% 49354The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody 49355appreciates how difficult it was. 49356% 49357The trouble with eating Italian food is that 49358five or six days later you're hungry again. 49359 -- George Miller 49360% 49361The trouble with heart disease is that the first 49362symptom is often hard to deal with: death. 49363 -- Michael Phelps 49364% 49365The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives. 49366 -- George S. Kaufman 49367% 49368The trouble with money is it costs too much! 49369% 49370The trouble with opportunity is that it 49371always comes disguised as hard work. 49372 -- Herbert V. Prochnow 49373% 49374The trouble with some women is that they get 49375all excited about nothing -- and then marry him. 49376 -- Cher 49377% 49378The trouble with superheroes is what to do between phone booths. 49379 -- Ken Kesey 49380% 49381The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds 49382the other fellow of a dull one. 49383 -- Sid Caesar 49384% 49385The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. 49386 -- Lily Tomlin 49387% 49388The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians 49389who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool 49390all of the people all of the time. 49391 -- Franklin Adams 49392% 49393The trouble with you 49394Is the trouble with me. 49395Got two good eyes 49396But we still don't see. 49397 -- Robert Hunter, "Workingman's Dead" 49398% 49399The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great 49400height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make 49401people stumble than to be walked upon. 49402 -- Franz Kafka 49403% 49404The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides. 49405 -- Andre Malraux 49406% 49407The truth is rarely pure, and never simple. 49408 -- Oscar Wilde 49409% 49410The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie. 49411 -- Lenny Bruce 49412% 49413The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. 49414And vice versa. 49415% 49416The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it. 49417 -- Stanley Kubrick 49418% 49419The Truth Shall Rape You Over. 49420 -- Caltech 49421% 49422The truth you speak has no past and no future. 49423It is, and that's all it needs to be. 49424% 49425The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks 49426Which practically conceal its sex. 49427I think it clever of the turtle 49428In such a fix to be so fertile. 49429 -- Ogden Nash 49430% 49431The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed." 49432 -- Dorothy Parker 49433% 49434The two most common things in the Universe are hydrogen and stupidity. 49435 -- Harlan Ellison 49436% 49437The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs. 49438 -- George Bernard Shaw 49439% 49440The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that 49441two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated 49442by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics. 49443 -- I. F. Stone 49444% 49445The two things that can get you into trouble 49446quicker than anything else are fast women and slow horses. 49447% 49448The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more 49449annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. 49450 -- Oscar Wilde 49451% 49452The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh? 49453And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh? 49454There's lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh? 49455So the last one to be peaceful and everything is a big idiot, 49456Eh? 49457So shut yer face up and dry yer mukluks by the fire, eh? 49458And dream about girls with their high beams on, eh? 49459They may be cold, but that's okay! Beer's better that way! 49460Eh? 49461 -- A, like, Tribute to the Great White North, eh? 49462Beauty! 49463% 49464The ultimate game show will be the one 49465where somebody gets killed at the end. 49466 -- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show" 49467% 49468The unfacts, did we have them, are too 49469imprecisely few to warrant out certitude. 49470% 49471The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are 49472"100 percent American"... 49473 -- U.S. Army (1945) 49474% 49475The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to 49476everybody and still nobody likes him. 49477 -- Jim Samuels 49478% 49479The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be 49480broken. 49481% 49482The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang. 49483% 49484The universe is an island, 49485surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes. 49486% 49487The universe is laughing behind your back. 49488% 49489The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the 49490combination is locked up in the safe. 49491 -- Peter de Vries 49492 49493Corollary: The combination is not a problem since we are locked in the 49494same safe. 49495% 49496The Universe is populated by stable things. 49497 -- Richard Dawkins 49498% 49499The universe is ruled by letting things take their course. 49500It cannot be ruled by interfering. 49501 -- Chinese proverb 49502% 49503The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent. 49504 -- Sagan 49505% 49506The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie 49507Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is said 49508to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of his 49509decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride." 49510% 49511The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal, 49512and deviation standard. 49513% 49514The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to 49515hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure. 49516% 49517The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable 49518that I assume it must be evil. 49519 -- Heywood Broun 49520% 49521The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and 49522religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging 49523from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its 49524yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the 49525world put together. 49526 -- Sir Peter Medawar 49527% 49528The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems 49529is a symptom of professional immaturity. 49530 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 49531% 49532The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be 49533regarded as a criminal offence. 49534 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 49535% 49536The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money. 49537 -- Benjamin Franklin 49538% 49539The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. 49540% 49541The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes 49542the worst cigars. 49543 -- H. L. Mencken 49544% 49545The very first essential for success is a perpetually 49546constant and regular employment of violence. 49547 -- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf" 49548% 49549The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid 49550prejudice. 49551 -- Mark Twain 49552% 49553The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. 49554Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts 49555to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to 49556be one of the facts that needs altering. 49557 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who: Face of Evil" 49558% 49559The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me. 49560 -- Miguel de Cervantes 49561% 49562The Vet Who Surprised A Cow 49563 In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary 49564surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate its internal 49565gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial 49566expression and struck a match. The jet of flame set fire first to some 49567bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000. 49568The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to 49569the magistrates. The cow escaped with shock. 49570 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 49571% 49572The VFW represents many who died to give this country a second chance 49573to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth. 49574 -- John Wayne 49575% 49576The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases. 49577 -- Jerry Brown 49578% 49579The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh 49580restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks, 49581dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress. She 49582sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table, 49583then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend. 49584A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned 49585to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking." 49586% 49587The voters have spoken, the bastards... 49588% 49589The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes, 49590it's just a tired feeling. 49591% 49592The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth. 49593% 49594The wages of sin are unreported. 49595% 49596The War on Drugs is just a small part of the War on the United States 49597Constitution. 49598% 49599The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity 49600that would be clearly understood. 49601 -- Alexander Haig 49602% 49603The water was not fit to drink. 49604To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey. 49605By diligent effort, I learned to like it. 49606 -- Winston Churchill 49607% 49608The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and 49609incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. 49610 -- Emo Philips 49611% 49612The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones. 49613 -- Nathaniel Howe 49614% 49615The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward. 49616% 49617The way to a man's heart is through his 49618wife's belly, and don't you forget it. 49619 -- Edward Albee, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" 49620% 49621The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle. 49622% 49623The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus. 49624% 49625The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run. 49626% 49627The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost. 49628% 49629The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start 49630with a large fortune. 49631% 49632The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful. 49633My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away. 49634My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful. 49635Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play? 49636I feel together today! 49637 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph" 49638% 49639The weed of crime bears bitter fruit. 49640% 49641The weed of crime bears bitter fruit... 49642but the leaves are good to smoke! 49643 -- The Shadow 49644% 49645The White Rabbit put on his spectacles. 49646 "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?" he asked. 49647 "Begin at the beginning," the King said, very gravely, 49648"and go on till you come to the end: then stop." 49649 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) 49650% 49651The white race is the cancer of history. 49652 -- Susan Sontag 49653% 49654The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak. 49655 -- Wavy Gravy 49656% 49657The whole of life is futile unless you 49658consider it as a sporting proposition. 49659% 49660The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always 49661so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts. 49662 -- Bertrand Russell 49663% 49664The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively. 49665 -- Peter Beard 49666% 49667The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes. 49668 -- George Gobel 49669% 49670The wind doth taste so bitter sweet, 49671 Like Jaspar wine and sugar, 49672It must have blown through someone's feet, 49673 Like those of Caspar Weinberger. 49674 -- P. Opus 49675% 49676The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and 49677not the dog, is man's best friend. Rover is taking a beating -- and he 49678should. 49679 -- W. C. Fields 49680% 49681The wise man seeks everything in himself; 49682the ignorant man tries to get everything from somebody else. 49683% 49684The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf. 49685% 49686The woman hurried home from her doctor's appointment, devastated by the 49687medical report she had just received. When her husband came in from work, 49688she told him, "Darling, the doctor said I have only twelve more hours to 49689live. So I've decided I want to go to bed and make passionate love to you 49690throughout the night. How does that sound, dearest?" 49691 "Hey, that's fine for *you*," replied the husband. "You don't have 49692to get up in the morning!" 49693% 49694The wonderful thing about a dancing bear 49695is not how well he dances, but that he dances at all. 49696% 49697The work [of software development] is becoming far easier (i.e. the tools 49698we're using work at a higher level, more removed from machine, peripheral 49699and operating system imperatives) than it was twenty years ago, and because 49700of this, knowledge of the internals of a system may become less accessible. 49701We may be able to dig deeper holes, but unless we know how to build taller 49702ladders, we had best hope that it does not rain much. 49703 -- Paul Licker 49704% 49705The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not 49706designed for people who walk on their hands. 49707 -- John Irving, "The World According to Garp" 49708% 49709The world is a comedy to those who think, 49710and a tragedy to those who feel. 49711 -- Horace Walpole 49712% 49713The world is coming to an end. Please log off. 49714% 49715The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books! 49716% 49717The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!! 49718% 49719The world is full of people who have never, since 49720childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind. 49721 -- E. B. White 49722% 49723The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says 49724it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it. 49725 -- E. Hubbard 49726% 49727The world is not octal despite DEC. 49728% 49729The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums. 49730It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish. 49731You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages. 49732 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul 49733% 49734The world needs more people like us and fewer like them. 49735% 49736The world really isn't any worse. 49737It's just that the news coverage is so much better. 49738% 49739The world wants to be deceived. 49740 -- Sebastian Brant 49741% 49742The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out. 49743% 49744The world's as ugly as sin, 49745And almost as delightful. 49746 -- Frederick Locker-Lampson 49747% 49748The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars, 49749nor its great scholars great men. 49750 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes 49751% 49752The Worst American Poet 49753 Julia Moore, "the Sweet Singer of Michigan" (1847-1920) was so bad that 49754Mark Twain said her first book gave him joy for 20 years. 49755 Her verse was mainly concerned with violent death -- the great fire 49756of Chicago and the yellow fever epidemic proved natural subjects for her 49757pen. 49758 Whether death was by drowning, by fits or by runaway sleigh, the 49759formula was the same: 49760 Have you heard of the dreadful fate 49761 Of Mr. P. P. Bliss and wife? 49762 Of their death I will relate, 49763 And also others lost their life 49764 (in the) Ashbula Bridge disaster, 49765 Where so many people died. 49766 Even if you started out reasonably healthy in one of Julia's poems, 49767the chances are that after a few stanzas you would be at the bottom of a 49768river or struck by lightning. A critic of the day said she was "worse than 49769a Gatling gun" and in one slim volume counted 21 killed and 9 wounded. 49770 Incredibly, some newspapers were critical of her work, even 49771suggesting that the sweet singer was "semi-literate". Her reply was 49772forthright: "The Editors that has spoken in this scandalous manner have went 49773beyond reason." She added that "literary work is very difficult to do". 49774 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 49775% 49776THE WORST BANK ROBBERY 49777 49778In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of 49779Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They 49780had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone, 49781sheepishly left the building. 49782A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of 49783robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded 497845,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it 49785was a practical joke. 49786Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor 49787clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got 49788trapped in the revolving doors again. 49789% 49790The Worst Car Hire Service 49791 When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck 49792as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up 49793shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California. 49794 He put on a cap and looked forward to watching people's faces as he 49795conducted them round the choice of bumperless, dented junkmobiles. 49796 To his lasting surprise there was an insatiable demand for them and 49797he now has 26 thriving branches all over America. "People like driving 49798round in the worst cars available," he said. Of course they do. 49799 "If a driver damages the side of a car and is honest enough to 49800admit it, I tell him, `Forget it'. If they bring a car back late we 49801overlook it. If they've had a crash and it doesn't involve another vehicle 49802we might overlook that too." 49803 "Where's the ashtray?" asked one Los Angeles wife, as she settled 49804into the ripped interior. "Honey," said her husband, "the whole car's the 49805ash tray." 49806 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 49807% 49808The worst cliques are those which consist of one man. 49809 -- George Bernard Shaw 49810% 49811THE WORST HOMING PIGEON 49812 49813This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was 49814expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead, 49815in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil. 49816 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 49817% 49818The worst is enemy of the bad. 49819% 49820The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst." 49821 -- King Lear 49822% 49823The Worst Jury 49824 A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when 49825one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the 49826remotest clue what was happening. 49827 The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any 49828evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him. 49829 The excitement which this caused was only equalled when a second 49830juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English. A fluent French 49831speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he 49832was hearing a murder trial. 49833 The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered 49834from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language 49835and nearly as deaf as the first juror. 49836 The judge ordered a retrial. 49837 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 49838% 49839The Worst Lines of Verse 49840For a start, we can rule out James Grainger's promising line: 49841 "Come, muse, let us sing of rats." 49842Grainger (1721-67) did not have the courage of his convictions and deleted 49843these words on discovering that his listeners dissolved into spontaneous 49844laughter the instant they were read out. 49845 No such reluctance afflicted Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833-70) who was 49846inspired by the subject of war. 49847 "Flash! flash! bang! bang! and we blazed away, 49848 And the grey roof reddened and rang; 49849 Flash! flash! and I felt his bullet flay 49850 The tip of my ear. Flash! bang!" 49851By contrast, Cheshire cheese provoked John Armstrong (1709-79): 49852 "... that which Cestria sends, tenacious paste of solid milk..." 49853While John Bidlake was guided by a compassion for vegetables: 49854 "The sluggard carrot sleeps his day in bed, 49855 The crippled pea alone that cannot stand." 49856George Crabbe (1754-1832) wrote: 49857 "And I was ask'd and authorized to go 49858 To seek the firm of Clutterbuck and Co." 49859William Balmford explored the possibilities of religious verse: 49860 "So 'tis with Christians, Nature being weak 49861 While in this world, are liable to leak." 49862And William Wordsworth showed that he could do it if he really tried when 49863describing a pond: 49864 "I've measured it from side to side; 49865 Tis three feet long and two feet wide." 49866 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 49867% 49868The Worst Musical Trio 49869 There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at 49870a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their 49871instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian 49872gentleman who was owed a personal favour by Georges Enesco, the celebrated 49873violinist. Enesco agreed to give lessons to the son who was quite 49874unhampered by great musical talent. 49875 Three years later the boy's father insisted that he give a public 49876concert. "His aunt said that nobody plays the violin better than he does. 49877A cousin heard him the other day and screamed with enthusiasm." Although 49878Enesco feared the consequences, he arranged a recital at the Salle Gaveau 49879in Paris. However, nobody bought a ticket since the soloist was unknown. 49880 "Then you must accompany him on the piano," said the boy's father, 49881"and it will be a sell out." 49882 Reluctantly, Enesco agreed and it was. On the night an excited 49883audience gathered. Before the concert began Enesco became nervous and 49884asked for someone to turn his pages. 49885 In the audience was Alfred Cortot, the brilliant pianist, who 49886volunteered and made his way to the stage. 49887 The soloist was of uniformly low standard and next morning the 49888music critic of Le Figaro wrote: "There was a strange concert at the Salle 49889Gaveau last night. The man whom we adore when he plays the violin played 49890the piano. Another whom we adore when he plays the piano turned the pages. 49891But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin." 49892 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 49893% 49894The worst part of having success is trying 49895to find someone who is happy for you. 49896 -- Bette Midler 49897% 49898The worst part of valor is indiscretion. 49899% 49900The Worst Prison Guards 49901 The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a 49902maximum security prison is 124. This record is held by Alcoente Prison, 49903near Lisbon in Portugal. 49904 During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 the prison 49905warders had noticed that attendances had fallen at film shows which 49906included "The Great Escape", and also that 220 knives and a huge quantity 49907of electric cable had disappeared. A guard explained, "Yes, we were 49908planning to look for them, but never got around to it." The warders had 49909not, however, noticed the gaping holes in the wall because they were 49910"covered with posters". Nor did they detect any of the spades, chisels, 49911water hoses and electric drills amassed by the inmates in large quantities. 49912The night before the breakout one guard had noticed that of the 36 49913prisoners in his block only 13 were present. He said this was "normal" 49914because inmates sometimes missed roll-call or hid, but usually came back 49915the next morning. 49916 "We only found out about the escape at 6:30 the next morning when 49917one of the prisoners told us," a warder said later. [...] When they 49918eventually checked, the prison guards found that exactly half of the jail's 49919population was missing. By way of explanation the Justice Minister, Dr. 49920Santos Pais, claimed that the escape was "normal" and part of the 49921"legitimate desire of the prisoner to regain his liberty." 49922 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 49923% 49924The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, 49925but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity. 49926 -- George Bernard Shaw 49927% 49928The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they 49929are sober. 49930 -- William Butler Yeats 49931% 49932The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one 49933wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering 49934if something could have materialized -- and never knowing. 49935 -- David Viscott 49936% 49937The Wright Brothers weren't the first to fly. 49938They were just the first not to crash. 49939% 49940The yankees, son, are up north. 49941The damnyankees are down here. 49942% 49943The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of 49944four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all 49945the answers. 49946% 49947The young Georgia miss came to the hospital for a checkup. 49948 "Have you been X-rayed?" asked the doctor. 49949 "Nope," she said, "but ah've been ultraviolated." 49950% 49951The young lady had an unusual list, 49952Linked in part to a structural weakness. 49953She set no preconditions. 49954% 49955The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means 49956to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he 49957found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day. 49958He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the 49959rates were only $70. The following morning he went down to the hotel's 49960golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls. 49961"Sure," said Scotty. "That'll be $25 apiece." 49962 "What?" screamed the bachelor. "In the hotel across the street 49963they only charge $1 a ball!" 49964 "Naturally," replied the pro. "Over there they get you by the 49965rooms." 49966% 49967THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVALININTHENIGHTDUDE 49968% 49969Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer... 49970and you'd better not refuse. 49971% 49972Them as has, gets. 49973% 49974Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. 49975 49976He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, 49977then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open 49978market. 49979 49980If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should 49981not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself. 49982 49983Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree. 49984Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg. 49985Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower. 49986 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 49987% 49988Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her 49989incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy, 49990acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly. 49991 -- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D." 49992% 49993Then here's to the City of Boston, 49994The town of the cries and the groans. 49995Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks, 49996And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns. 49997 -- Franklin Pierce Adams 49998% 49999Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly. 50000I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was 50001right. 50002 -- P. J. O'Rourke 50003% 50004Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On. 50005% 50006Then there was the Scoutmaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of 50007Tates brand compasses for his troop; only $1.25 each! Only problem was, 50008when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing 50009to the "W" on the dial. 50010 50011Moral: 50012 He who has a Tates is lost! 50013% 50014Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand 50015it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner. 50016 -- Elbert Hubbard 50017% 50018Theorem: a cat has nine tails. 50019Proof: 50020 No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. 50021 Therefore, a cat has nine tails. 50022% 50023Theorem: All positive integers are equal. 50024Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B. 50025 Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B 50026 (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B. 50027 50028Proceed by induction: 50029 If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1. 50030 So A = B. 50031 50032Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with 50033 MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence 50034 (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B. 50035% 50036Theorem: All programs are dull. 50037 50038Proof: Assume the contrary; i.e., the set of interesting programs is 50039nonempty. Arrange them (or it) in order of interest (note that all 50040sets can be well ordered, so do it properly). The minimal element is 50041the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides 50042the contradictory denouement we so devoutly seek. 50043 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 50044% 50045THEORY: 50046 System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to 50047 originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good 50048 it will look in print. 50049% 50050Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green. 50051 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 50052% 50053Theory of Selective Supervision: 50054 The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is 50055 the one time the boss walks through the office. 50056% 50057There appears before you a threatening figure clad all over in heavy black 50058armor. His legs seem like the massive trunk of the oak tree. His broad 50059shoulders and helmeted head loom high over your own puny frame and you 50060realize that his powerful arms could easily crush the very life from your 50061body. There hangs from his belt a veritable arsenal of deadly weapons: 50062sword, mace, ball and chain, dagger, lance, and trident. 50063He speaks with a commanding voice: 50064 50065 "YOU SHALL NOT PASS" 50066 50067As he grabs you by the neck all grows dim about you. 50068% 50069There appears to be irrefutable evidence that 50070the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence. 50071 -- Harvey Wheeler 50072% 50073There are a few things that never go out of style, 50074and a feminine woman is one of them. 50075 -- Ralston 50076% 50077There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true. 50078 -- Winston Churchill 50079% 50080There are bad times just around the corner, 50081There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky 50082And it's no good whining 50083About a silver lining 50084For we know from experience that they won't roll by... 50085 -- Noel Coward 50086% 50087There are few people more often in the wrong 50088than those who cannot endure to be thought so. 50089% 50090There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess -- 50091and there are few mistakes they have ever avoided. 50092 -- Winston Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945 50093% 50094There are four boxes to be used in defense of liberty: soap, ballot, 50095jury, and ammo. Please use in that order. 50096 -- Ed Howdershelt 50097% 50098There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, 50099and praiseworthy ... 50100 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 50101% 50102There are four stages to a marriage. First there's the affair, then there's 50103the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you 50104cannot know a woman, the divorce. 50105 -- Norman Mailer 50106% 50107There are many intelligent species in 50108the universe, and they all own cats. 50109% 50110There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break 50111about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get 50112about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor 50113get it in the winter. 50114 -- Bat Masterson 50115% 50116There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal 50117friend. They may know something that we don't. They are probably 50118avoiding a great deal of pain. 50119% 50120There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing. 50121 -- Eugene Ionesco 50122% 50123There are more old drunkards than old doctors. 50124% 50125There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else. 50126% 50127There are more things in heaven and earth, 50128Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. 50129 -- Hamlet 50130% 50131There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream. 50132% 50133There are never any bugs you haven't found yet. 50134% 50135There are new messages. 50136% 50137There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe. 50138 -- Baba Ram Dass 50139% 50140There are no answers, only cross-references. 50141 -- Weiner 50142% 50143There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axes 50144are chosen correctly. 50145% 50146There are no emotional victims, only volunteers. 50147% 50148There are no games on this system. 50149% 50150There are no great men, buster. There are only men. 50151 -- Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful" 50152% 50153There are no great men, only great challenges that 50154ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet. 50155 -- Admiral William Halsey 50156% 50157There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry. 50158 -- The Duke of Wellington 50159% 50160There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the existence 50161of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any marginally 50162competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat engine and make 50163some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is obviously impossible. 50164 -- Richard Davisson 50165% 50166There are no rules for March. March is spring, sort 50167of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it. 50168% 50169There are no winners in life, only survivors. 50170% 50171There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly. 50172 -- Helen Rowland 50173% 50174There are only two kinds of tequila. Good and better. 50175% 50176There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and 50177taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days. 50178 -- shades 50179% 50180There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the 50181truth without lying. 50182 -- Josh Billings 50183% 50184There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals 50185in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so 50186people who find nothing odd about it. 50187 -- Calvin Trillin 50188% 50189There are places I'll remember 50190All my life though some have changed. 50191Some forever not for better 50192Some have gone and some remain. 50193All these places had their moments 50194With lovers and friends I still recall. 50195Some are dead and some are living, 50196In my life I've loved them all. 50197 50198But of all these friends and lovers, 50199There is no one compared with you, 50200All these memories lose their meaning 50201When I think of love as something new. 50202Though I know I'll never lose affection 50203For people and things that went before, 50204I know I'll often stop and think about them 50205In my life I'll love you more. 50206 -- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965 50207% 50208There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a 50209vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone. 50210 -- Gloria Steinem 50211% 50212There are running jobs. 50213Why don't you go chase them? 50214% 50215There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both 50216plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; 50217and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, 50218don't we all? 50219% 50220There are strange things done in the midnight sun 50221 By the men who moil for gold; 50222The Arctic trails have their secret tales 50223 That would make your blood run cold; 50224The Northern Lights have seen queer sights, 50225 But the queerest they ever did see 50226Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge 50227 I cremated Sam McGee. 50228 -- Robert W. Service 50229% 50230There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life 50231is the process of discovering them over and over and over. 50232 -- David Nichols 50233% 50234There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells and 50235fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated pools here 50236and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving them parched for 50237wonder. There are also those who believe that if you stick your fingers up 50238your nose and blow, it will increase your intelligence. 50239 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII 50240% 50241There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics. 50242 -- Benjamin Disraeli 50243% 50244There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix. 50245% 50246There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away 50247from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone 50248loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor. 50249% 50250There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be 50251offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin 50252a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount 50253of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of 50254affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. 50255When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. 50256Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. 50257 -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior 50258% 50259There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and 50260engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far 50261the more certain. 50262 -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800 50263% 50264There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need 50265the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the 50266world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the 50267long winter evenings. 50268 -- Quentin Crisp 50269% 50270There are three rules for writing a novel. 50271Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. 50272 -- W. Somerset Maugham 50273% 50274There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring 50275the changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many 50276facts. Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next 50277fact; that's science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent 50278Universe controlled by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's 50279Factor; that's engineering. 50280% 50281There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I 50282can't remember. 50283 -- Italo Svevo 50284% 50285There are three things I have always loved 50286and never understood -- art, music, and women. 50287% 50288There are three things men can do with women: 50289love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature. 50290 -- Stephen Stills 50291% 50292There are three ways to get something done: 50293 1. Do it yourself. 50294 2. Hire someone to do it for you. 50295 3. Forbid your kids to do it. 50296% 50297There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is 50298one of them. 50299% 50300There are twenty-five people left in the world, 50301and twenty-seven of them are hamburgers. 50302 -- Ed Sanders 50303% 50304There are two jazz musicians who are great buddies. They hang out and play 50305together for years, virtually inseparable. Unfortunately, one of them is 50306struck by a truck and killed. About a week later his friend wakes up in 50307the middle of the night with a start because he can feel a presence in the 50308room. He calls out, "Who's there? Who's there? What's going on?" 50309 "It's me -- Bob," replies a faraway voice. 50310 Excitedly he sits up in bed. "Bob! Bob! Is that you? Where are 50311you?" 50312 "Well," says the voice, "I'm in heaven now." 50313 "Heaven! You're in heaven! That's wonderful! What's it like?" 50314 "It's great, man. I gotta tell you, I'm jamming up here every day. 50315I'm playing with Bird, and 'Trane, and Count Basie drops in all the time! 50316Man it is smokin'!" 50317 "Oh, wow!" says his friend. "That sounds fantastic, tell me more, 50318tell me more!" 50319 "Let me put it this way," continues the voice. "There's good news 50320and bad news. The good news is that these guys are in top form. I mean 50321I have *never* heard them sound better. They are *wailing* up here." 50322 "The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..." 50323% 50324There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good." 50325And one says, "This is new, and therefore better." 50326 -- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider" 50327% 50328There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead. 50329 -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar 50330% 50331There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect 50332the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the 50333sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too. 50334 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 50335% 50336There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. 50337We don't believe this to be a coincidence. 50338 -- Jeremy S. Anderson 50339% 50340There are two problems with a major hangover. You feel 50341like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't. 50342% 50343There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works. 50344% 50345There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before 50346marriage and after marriage. 50347% 50348There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to 50349make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the 50350other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious 50351deficiencies. 50352 -- C. A. R. Hoare 50353% 50354There are two ways of disliking art. 50355One is to dislike it. 50356The other is to like it rationally. 50357 -- Oscar Wilde 50358% 50359There are two ways of disliking poetry; 50360one way is to dislike it, the other is to read Pope. 50361 -- Oscar Wilde 50362% 50363There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one 50364works. 50365% 50366There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a 50367suitable application of high explosives. 50368% 50369There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening 50370with an insurance salesman? 50371 -- Woody Allen 50372% 50373There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men 50374of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl. But give me the rambling 50375rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and 50376together we'll face the world. 50377 -- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush" 50378% 50379There but for the grace of God, goes God. 50380 -- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps 50381% 50382There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship. 50383 -- Ralph Nader 50384% 50385There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule. 50386 -- R. W. Gerard 50387% 50388There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. 50389 -- Henry Kissinger 50390% 50391There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he 50392has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation. 50393 -- W. C. Fields 50394% 50395There comes a time to stop being angry. 50396 -- A Small Circle of Friends 50397% 50398There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than 10 men or fewer 50399than 100. 50400 -- Steele's Law 50401% 50402There goes the good time that was had by all. 50403 -- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet 50404% 50405There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names. 50406For example, if you wanted all of your "creat()" calls to include read 50407permissions for everyone, you could say 50408 50409 #define creat(file, mode) creat(file, mode | 0444) 50410 50411 I would recommend against this kind of thing in general, since it 50412hides the changed semantics of "creat()" in a macro, potentially far away 50413from its uses. 50414 To allow this use of macros, the preprocessor uses a process that 50415is worth describing, if for no other reason than that we get to use one of 50416the more amusing terms introduced into the C lexicon. While a macro is 50417being expanded, it is temporarily undefined, and any recurrence of the macro 50418name is "painted blue" -- I kid you not, this is the official terminology 50419-- so that in future scans of the text the macro will not be expanded 50420recursively. (I do not know why the color blue was chosen; I'm sure it 50421was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.) 50422 -- From Ken Arnold's "C Advisor" column in Unix Review 50423% 50424There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange. 50425 -- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929 50426% 50427There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know 50428nothing about. 50429% 50430There is a 20% chance of tomorrow. 50431% 50432There is a building with four floors. On the first floor, there 50433is a convention of architects. On the second floor, there is a 50434vinyl manufacturing plant. On the third floor there is a fast food 50435stand, and on the fourth floor there is a library. 50436 50437Q: What would happen if a librarian traveled down in a small 50438 elevator with one other person from each floor? 50439A: The elevator would be full. 50440% 50441There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery 50442is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation. If 50443you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else. 50444 -- Robert Louis Stevenson, "Immortelles" 50445% 50446There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an 50447opinion. 50448 -- Anatole France 50449% 50450There is a fly on your nose. 50451% 50452There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital 50453and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting 50454each other's throat. 50455 -- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun" 50456% 50457There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of 50458paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write. 50459% 50460There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder. 50461% 50462There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends 50463his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick. 50464 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" 50465% 50466There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs 50467tied during the month of April. 50468% 50469There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish. 50470 -- Walt Disney 50471% 50472There is a new anti-communist organization that advocates the use of 50473wooden toilet seats. 50474 50475It's called the Birch John Society. 50476% 50477There is a road to freedom. Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty, 50478Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the 50479Fatherland. 50480 -- Adolf Hitler 50481% 50482There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly 50483what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly 50484disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and 50485inexplicable. 50486 50487There is another theory which states that this has already happened. 50488 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" 50489% 50490There is a time in the tides of men, 50491Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success. 50492On the other hand, don't count on it. 50493 -- T. K. Lawson 50494% 50495There is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but it 50496is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast. 50497 -- Helen Rowland 50498% 50499There is always more hell that needs raising. 50500 -- Lauren Leveut 50501% 50502There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling 50503somebody out. 50504 -- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem" 50505% 50506There is always someone worse off than yourself. 50507% 50508There is always something new out of Africa. 50509 -- Gaius Plinius Secundus 50510% 50511There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it 50512has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day. 50513 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 50514% 50515There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty. 50516"When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend." 50517 -- Mark Twain 50518% 50519There is brutality and there is honesty. 50520There is no such thing as brutal honesty. 50521% 50522There is Good Information and there is Bad Information and the 50523Internet is generally pretty neutral about the difference. If you're 50524a computer, it's all just 0s and 1s. 50525 -- Joel Achenbach 50526% 50527There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers, 50528having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that, 50529whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of 50530gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and 50531most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved. 50532 -- Darwin 50533% 50534There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can 50535not make a little worse and sell a little cheaper. 50536% 50537There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a vacuum. 50538 -- Arthur C. Clarke 50539% 50540There is in certain living souls 50541A quality of loneliness unspeakable, 50542So great it must be shared 50543As company is shared by lesser beings. 50544Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this 50545That in immensity 50546There is one lonelier than you. 50547% 50548There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon, 50549however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable. 50550Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be 50551discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator 50552on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is 50553even highly probable. 50554 -- H. L. Mencken, 1930 50555% 50556There *__is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday. 50557% 50558There is Jackson standing like a stone wall. Let us determine to die, 50559and we will conquer. Follow me. 50560 -- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA) 50561% 50562There is more simplicity in a man who eats caviar on impulse than in a 50563man who eats Grapenuts on principle. 50564 -- G. K. Chesterton 50565% 50566There is more to life than increasing its speed. 50567 -- Mohandas K. Gandhi 50568% 50569There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you. 50570 -- Darth Vader 50571% 50572There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is 50573always enough time to do it over. 50574% 50575There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over. 50576% 50577There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party 50578is not capable; for in politics there is no honour. 50579 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey" 50580% 50581There is no bad taste. There is only good taste, and that is bad. 50582 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 50583% 50584There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law. 50585No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth. 50586 -- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates" 50587% 50588There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing 50589the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries 50590civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements. 50591We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward 50592striving of the human race. 50593 -- Alfred North Whitehead 50594% 50595There is no comfort without pain; thus 50596we define salvation through suffering. 50597 -- Cato 50598% 50599There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval. 50600 -- George Santayana 50601% 50602There is no delight the equal of dread. 50603As long as it is somebody else's. 50604 -- Clive Barker 50605% 50606There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game. 50607% 50608There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. 50609 -- Mark Twain 50610% 50611There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he 50612filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary 50613as "unearned income." 50614 -- Michael Lara 50615% 50616There is no education that is not political. An apolitical 50617education is also political because it is purposely isolating. 50618% 50619There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income 50620parents' lives a misery. ... I want you to picture the trusting face of a 50621child, streaked with tears because of what you just said. I want you to 50622picture the face of its mother, because one week's dole won't pay for one 50623Master of the Universe Battlecruiser! 50624 -- Filthy Rich and Catflap 50625% 50626There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear. 50627% 50628There is no fool to the old fool. 50629 -- John Heywood 50630% 50631There is no future in time travel. 50632% 50633There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften. 50634% 50635There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted 50636armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. 50637 -- Ernest Hemingway 50638% 50639There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom. 50640 -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923 50641% 50642There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years 50643the dirt doesn't get any worse. 50644 -- Quentin Crisp 50645% 50646There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox. 50647 -- George Francis Gillette 50648% 50649There is no point in waiting. 50650The train stopped running years ago. 50651All the schedules, the brochures, 50652The bright-colored posters full of lies, 50653Promise rides to a distant country 50654That no longer exists. 50655% 50656There is no proverb that is not true. 50657 -- Cervantes 50658% 50659There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the 50660tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not 50661abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and 50662war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, 50663of course. 50664 -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed. 50665% 50666There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home. 50667 -- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation), 50668 Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977 50669% 50670There is no royal road to geometry. 50671 -- Euclid 50672% 50673There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. 50674% 50675There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it. 50676 -- George Bernard Shaw 50677% 50678There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity. 50679 -- General Douglas MacArthur 50680% 50681There is no sin but ignorance. 50682 -- Christopher Marlowe 50683% 50684There is no sincerer love than the love of food. 50685 -- George Bernard Shaw 50686% 50687There is no statute of limitations on stupidity. 50688% 50689There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes. 50690% 50691There *is* no such thing as a civil engineer. 50692% 50693There is no such thing as a free lunch. 50694% 50695There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. 50696% 50697There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only 50698the ones who do not know how to make themselves attractive. 50699 -- Christian Dior 50700% 50701There is no such thing as fortune. Try again. 50702% 50703There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. 50704Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour. 50705 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 50706% 50707There is no such thing as pure pleasure; 50708some anxiety always goes with it. 50709% 50710There is no time like the pleasant. 50711% 50712There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be 50713doing. 50714% 50715There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY. 50716There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS. I'm very probably wrong. 50717% 50718There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and 50719family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too, 50720the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is 50721live as cheap as the people. 50722 -- The Best of Will Rogers 50723% 50724There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives 50725us for another, and a woman who deceives another for ourselves. 50726 -- Augier 50727% 50728There is not opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it. 50729 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares" 50730% 50731There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result. 50732 -- Winston Churchill 50733% 50734There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. 50735 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus 50736% 50737There is nothing new except what has been forgotten. 50738 -- Marie Antoinette 50739% 50740There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult 50741when you do it reluctantly. 50742 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 50743% 50744There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who 50745comes to visit. 50746% 50747"There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," 50748said a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. "And yet just 50749a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with an unanswerable 50750question," said Nasrudin. "I could have answered it if I had been 50751there." "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in 50752the middle of the night?'" 50753% 50754There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation. 50755% 50756There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the 50757ocean level wouldn't cure. 50758 -- Ross MacDonald 50759% 50760There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it 50761is done in private and you wash your hands afterward. 50762% 50763There is one difference between a tax collector and 50764a taxidermist -- the taxidermist leaves the hide. 50765 -- Mortimer Caplan 50766% 50767There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says 50768"Yes" you know he is crooked. 50769 -- Groucho Marx 50770% 50771There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and 50772that is not being talked about. 50773 -- Oscar Wilde 50774% 50775There is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none. 50776 -- Paul Bourget 50777% 50778There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk. 50779 -- Robert A. Heinlein 50780% 50781There is only one way to kill capitalism -- 50782by taxes, taxes, and more taxes. 50783 -- Karl Marx 50784% 50785There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings, 50786and that word is blackmail. 50787 -- Colm Brogan 50788% 50789There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which 50790it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated. 50791 -- James Boswell 50792% 50793There is plenty of time before progress goes too far. 50794 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 50795% 50796There is something in the pang of change 50797More than the heart can bear, 50798Unhappiness remembering happiness. 50799 -- Euripides 50800% 50801There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong. 50802% 50803There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us! 50804% 50805There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who 50806constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those 50807who do not. 50808 -- Robert Benchley 50809% 50810There must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United 50811States; of course, I never heard the story before. 50812% 50813There must be more to life than having everything. 50814 -- Maurice Sendak 50815% 50816There never was a good war or a bad peace. 50817 -- Benjamin Franklin 50818% 50819There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The 50820king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished 50821in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said 50822to the prince: 50823 "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even 50824half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend, 50825what would your decision be, my son?" 50826 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell 50827her that she was my best friend, and then cut off her head." 50828 The king knew that his son would be a great king. 50829% 50830There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The 50831king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished 50832in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said 50833to the prince: 50834 "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even 50835half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend, 50836what would your decision be, my son?" 50837 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell 50838her that the life of my best friend did not lie in the half of the kingdom 50839that I had promised." 50840 The king knew that his son would be a great king. 50841% 50842There seems no plan because it is all plan. 50843 -- C. S. Lewis 50844% 50845There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it. 50846 -- C. S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia" 50847% 50848There was a little girl 50849Who had a little curl 50850Right in the middle of her forehead. 50851When she was good, she was very, very good 50852And when she was bad, she was very, very popular. 50853 -- Max Miller, "The Max Miller Blue Book" 50854% 50855There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionally put up 50856with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he 50857was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive 50858over by a grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot 50859to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack, 50860and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be 50861able to hit through. Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go 50862around to the other side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave 50863him a clear path to the green. He stepped up to his ball and prepared 50864to hit. His wife had been standing by the far door waiting for him to 50865hit through. After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in 50866the doorway, to see what he was doing. At that exact moment, the husband 50867cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing 50868her instantly. A few weeks later, the man was playing a round at the same 50869course, this time with a friend of his. Once again on the 12th hole, he 50870sliced his drive to the shack. His friend suggested that he might be able 50871to hit through, if he was to open both doors. 50872 "Nah", replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7". 50873% 50874There was a phone call for you. 50875% 50876There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were 50877left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley. 50878Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they 50879started debating who should be allowed to stay. 50880 50881The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all 50882over the world, the President explained that if he died then America 50883would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley 50884said, "Look! We're not solving anything like this! The only fair 50885thing to do is to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 50886votes. 50887% 50888There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have 50889no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms. If they recalled 50890every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become 50891insupportable. 50892 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 50893% 50894There was a young man from LeDoux, 50895Whose limericks stopped at line two. 50896 50897There was a young man from Verdunne. 50898 50899 [Actually, there are three limericks in this series, the third one 50900 is about some guy named Nero. If anyone has a copy of it, please 50901 mail it to "fortune". Ed.] 50902% 50903There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: 50904both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to 50905talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him 50906during the trial. 50907 -- David Letterman 50908% 50909There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of 50910their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity 50911of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian 50912couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were 50913blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together 50914on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy 50915baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus, 50916were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion 50917of the nine month interval. All of which proves the old theorem that: 50918The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of 50919the squaws of the other two hides. 50920% 50921There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which, 50922in one way or another, almost every member of the team passed. The term 50923that the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the 50924practice -- was `signing up.' By signing up for the project you agreed 50925to do whatever was necessary for success. You agreed to forsake, if 50926necessary, family, hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left 50927(and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before). 50928 -- Tracy Kidder, "The Soul of a New Machine" 50929% 50930There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be a Texan. 50931Fortunately, he had a Texan friend and went to him for advice. "Mike, 50932you know I've always wanted to be a Texan. You're a *real* Texan, what 50933should I do?" 50934 "Well," answered Mike, "The first thing you've got to do is look 50935like a Texan. That means you have to dress right. The second thing 50936you've got to do is speak in a southern drawl." 50937 "Thanks, Mike, I'll give it a try," replied the New Yorker. 50938 A few weeks passed and the New Yorker saunters into a store dressed 50939in a ten-gallon hat, cowboy boots, Levi jeans and a bandanna. "Hey, there, 50940pardner, I'd like some beef, not too rare, and some of them fresh biscuits," 50941he tells the counterman. 50942 The guy behind the counter takes a long look at him and then says, 50943"You must be from New York." 50944 The New Yorker blushes, and says, "Well, yes, I am. How did 50945you know?" 50946 "Because this is a hardware store." 50947% 50948There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of 50949the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double- 50950digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 509518-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the 50952transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity 50953stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative 50954feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching 50955systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the 50956first electrical digital computer, and the first communications 50957satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the 50958telephone business? 50959% 50960There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when 50961the boss asks for a lift home from the office. 50962% 50963There will be big changes for you but you will be happy. 50964% 50965There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it. 50966 -- Lily Tomlin 50967% 50968Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use 50969this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause. 50970 -- Machiavelli 50971% 50972There's a couple of million dollars worth of baseball talent on the loose, 50973ready for the big leagues, yet unsigned by any major league. There are 50974pitchers who would win 20 games a season ... and outfielders [who] could 50975hit .350, infielders who could win recognition as stars, and there's at 50976least one catcher who at this writing is probably superior to Bill Dickey, 50977Josh Gibson. Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the 50978pigmentation of their skin. They happen to be colored. 50979 -- Shirley Povich, 1941 50980% 50981There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not 50982a fence. 50983% 50984There's a lesson that I need to remember 50985When everything is falling apart 50986In life, just like in loving 50987There's such a thing as trying to hard 50988 50989You've gotta sing 50990Like you don't need the money 50991Love like you'll never get hurt 50992You've gotta dance 50993Like nobody's watching 50994It's gotta come from the heart 50995If you want it to work. 50996 -- Kathy Mattea 50997% 50998There's a long-standing bug relating to the x86 architecture that 50999allows you to install Windows. 51000 -- Matthew D. Fuller 51001% 51002There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot. 51003% 51004There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left 51005and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables. Won a 51006little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc. Prayed for help. 51007A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..." Man looked around; nobody 51008there. What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won. 51009The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..." Played red again, and 51010it won again. The voice said, "Impair..." Played odd, and it won. Voice 51011said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won. This went 51012on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all 51013his money on what the voice said, and winning. Finally when the voice 51014spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to 51015quit. The voice was inexorable: "Douze..." The man put the money on 12, 51016and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!" 51017% 51018There's a thrill in store for all for we're about to toast 51019The corporation that we represent. 51020We're here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast, 51021Of that man of men our sterling president 51022The name of T. J. Watson means 51023A courage none can stem 51024And we feel honored to be here to toast the IBM. 51025 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook 51026% 51027There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to 51028recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to 51029let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity 51030or its past importance in our lives. It involves a sense of future, 51031a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on, 51032rather than out. The trick of retiring well may be the trick of 51033living well. It's hard to recognize that life isn't a holding 51034action, but a process. It's hard to learn that we don't leave the 51035best parts of ourselves behind, back in the dugout or the office. 51036We own what we learned back there. The experiences and the growth 51037are grafted onto our lives. And when we exit, we can take ourselves 51038along -- quite gracefully. 51039 -- Ellen Goodman 51040% 51041There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle! 51042 -- Doug Clifford 51043% 51044There's always free cheese in a mousetrap. 51045% 51046There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. 51047% 51048There's been no top authority saying what marijuana does to you. I really 51049don't know that much about it. I tried it once but it didn't do anything 51050to me. 51051 -- John Wayne 51052% 51053There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go. 51054% 51055There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state. 51056% 51057There's little in taking or giving, 51058 There's little in water or wine: 51059This living, this living, this living, 51060 Was never a project of mine. 51061Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is 51062 The gain of the one at the top, 51063For art is a form of catharsis, 51064 And love is a permanent flop, 51065And work is the province of cattle, 51066 And rest's for a clam in a shell, 51067So I'm thinking of throwing the battle -- 51068 Would you kindly direct me to hell? 51069 -- Dorothy Parker 51070% 51071There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our 51072whole lives, win, lose, or draw. 51073 -- Walt Kelly 51074% 51075There's no justice in this world. 51076 -- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano 51077 by New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after 51078 Luciano had saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch 51079 Schultz (by ordering the assassination of Schultz 51080 instead) 51081% 51082There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. 51083 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who" 51084% 51085There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get 51086any worse. 51087% 51088There's no room in the drug world for amateurs. 51089 -- Raoul Duke 51090% 51091There's no saint like a reformed sinner. 51092% 51093There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know 51094what you're talking about. 51095 -- John von Neumann 51096% 51097There's no such thing as an original sin. 51098 -- Elvis Costello 51099% 51100There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government 51101working for you. 51102 -- Will Rogers 51103% 51104There's no use being precise about something 51105when you don't even know what you're talking about. 51106 -- John von Neumann 51107% 51108There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking. 51109% 51110There's nothing in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead 51111armadillos. 51112 -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner 51113% 51114There's nothing like a girl with a plunging 51115neckline to keep a man on his toes. 51116% 51117There's nothing like a good dose of another woman to make a man 51118appreciate his wife. 51119 -- Clare Booth Luce 51120% 51121There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl. 51122% 51123There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar. 51124% 51125There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right 51126keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself. 51127 -- J. S. Bach 51128% 51129There's nothing so precious as a cafe full of Gap kiddies trying to 51130work out whether you're really wearing rubber pants. 51131 -- Mike Smith 51132% 51133There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter 51134and open a vein. 51135 -- Red Smith 51136% 51137There's nothing very mysterious about you, except that 51138nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination. 51139% 51140There's nothing worse for your business than 51141extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room. 51142 -- W. Bossert 51143% 51144There's nothing wrong with teenagers that 51145reasoning with them won't aggravate. 51146% 51147There's one consolation about matrimony. When you look around you can 51148always see somebody who did worse. 51149 -- Warren H. Goldsmith 51150% 51151There's one fool at least in every married couple. 51152% 51153There's only one everything. 51154% 51155There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn 51156what it is I'll get married again. 51157 -- Clint Eastwood 51158% 51159There's small choice in rotten apples. 51160 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" 51161% 51162There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is 51163becoming an endangered synthetic. 51164 -- Lily Tomlin 51165% 51166There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me. 51167% 51168There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe, 51169Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny. 51170 -- G. Gordon Liddy 51171% 51172There's something the technicians need to learn from the artists. 51173If it isn't aesthetically pleasing, it's probably wrong. 51174% 51175There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil. 51176 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" 51177% 51178There's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear. 51179 -- Richard Le Gallienne 51180% 51181These activities have their own rules and methods 51182of concealment which seek to mislead and obscure. 51183 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960 51184% 51185"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!" 51186"These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!" 51187"These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP 51188out of MEGATON MAN!" 51189% 51190These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they 51191used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink. 51192% 51193They also serve who only stand and wait. 51194 -- John Milton 51195% 51196They also surf who only stand on waves. 51197% 51198They are called computers simply because computation is 51199the only significant job that has so far been given to them. 51200% 51201They are cold-blooded. They are completely ruthless about protecting 51202what they have. The only thing they connect to is the money aspect of 51203life. Let's face it: That's the American way. 51204 -- Jeffrey M. Johnson, regional chairman of the District 51205 of Columbia United Way, speaking of drug dealers. 51206% 51207They are ill discoverers that think there is no land, 51208when they can see nothing but sea. 51209 -- Francis Bacon 51210% 51211They are relatively good but absolutely terrible. 51212 -- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos 51213% 51214They call them "squares" because it's the 51215most complicated shape they can deal with. 51216% 51217They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God! 51218 -- The Blues Brothers 51219% 51220They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist... 51221 -- Civil War General John Sedgwick, his last words, 51222 Battle of Spotsylvania Court House, 1864 51223% 51224They don't know how the world is shaped. And so they give it a shape, and 51225try to make everything fit it. They separate the right from the left, the 51226man from the woman, the plant from the animal, the sun from the moon. They 51227only want to count to two. 51228 -- Emma Bull, "Bone Dance" 51229% 51230They don't suffer. They can't even speak English. 51231 -- George F. Baer, answering a reporter's 51232 question about the suffering of starving miners. 51233% 51234They finally got King Midas, I hear. Gild by association. 51235% 51236They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps. 51237 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 51238% 51239They have their datasheets translated from Korean into English by 51240Russians with Greek->German dictionaries 51241 -- Philip Paeps, on modern hardware documentation 51242% 51243They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed. 51244% 51245They make a desert and call it peace. 51246 -- Tacitus (55?-120?) 51247% 51248They say it's the responsibility of the media to look at government -- 51249especially the president -- with a microscope. I don't argue with that, 51250but when they use a proctoscope, it's going too far. 51251 -- Richard M. Nixon 51252% 51253They seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when 51254not actually threatened. How very nice for authority. I decided not to 51255learn this particular lesson. 51256 -- Richard Stallman 51257% 51258They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the 51259system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First 51260we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin. 51261 51262I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark on 51263my skin. I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons. First we take Manhattan, 51264then we take Berlin. 51265 51266I'd really like to live beside you, baby. I love your body and your spirit 51267and your clothes. But you see that line there moving through the station? 51268I told you I told you I told you I was one of those. 51269 -- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan" 51270% 51271They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners 51272always spell better than they pronounce. 51273 -- Mark Twain 51274% 51275They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary 51276safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. 51277 -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759 51278% 51279They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them! 51280% 51281They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results 51282About a month before. Their hair began to curl 51283The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it 51284But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL. 51285 51286He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this 51287To pass where they had failed For it must ever be 51288And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest 51289The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me. 51290 51291My notion was to start again 51292Ignoring all they'd done 51293We quickly turned it into code 51294To see if it would run. 51295% 51296They took some of the Van Goghs, most 51297of the jewels, and all of the Chivas! 51298% 51299They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat 51300 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard 51301% 51302They use different words for things in America. 51303For instance they say elevator and we say lift. 51304They say drapes and we say curtains. 51305They say president and we say brain damaged git. 51306 -- Alexie Sayle 51307% 51308They went rushing down that freeway, 51309Messed around and got lost. 51310They didn't care... they were just dying to get off, 51311And it was life in the fast lane. 51312 -- Eagles, "Life in the Fast Lane" 51313% 51314They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly. 51315 -- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads 51316% 51317They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius, 51318The man said "We got all that we can use", 51319So I've got those steadily-depressin', low-down, mind-messin', 51320Working-at-the-car-wash blues. 51321 -- Jim Croce 51322% 51323They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos. Had one get loose on me 51324back in '62. It slipped out of the cables while we were lowering it out 51325of its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six innocents in an insane bid 51326for freedom. 51327 -- Stig's Inferno 51328% 51329They're basically very smelly houseplants until they get to the crawling 51330age. You're constantly terrified that they're going to randomly die on 51331you, but the rules for preventing that outcome are straightforward and 51332hard to forget. 51333 -- Thomas Ptacek, giving advice to a new father 51334% 51335They're giving bank robbing a bad name. 51336 -- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde 51337% 51338They're just jealous because they don't have three 51339wise men and a virgin in the whole organization. 51340 -- Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci, on the 51341 ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed. 51342% 51343They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid! 51344% 51345They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult 51346to like. 51347 -- Avon 51348% 51349Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become 51350their property that they may more perfectly respect it. 51351 -- G. K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday" 51352% 51353Things are more like they are today than they ever were before. 51354 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 51355% 51356Things are more like they used to be than they are now. 51357% 51358Things are not always what they seem. 51359 -- Phaedrus 51360% 51361Things Charles Darwin did not say: 51362 51363Finches, eh? Seen one, seem 'em all. 51364% 51365Things Charles Darwin did not say: 51366 51367Nah, it's only a theory - I don't think it should be taught in schools. 51368% 51369Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold. 51370% 51371Things past redress and now with me past care. 51372 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" 51373% 51374Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face. 51375% 51376Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them. 51377 -- Will Rogers 51378% 51379Things worth having are worth cheating for. 51380% 51381Think big. Pollute the Mississippi. 51382% 51383Think honk if you're a telepath. 51384% 51385Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish. 51386 -- Darrell Royal 51387% 51388Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.! 51389% 51390Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer 51391crashes. 51392% 51393Think sideways! 51394 -- Ed De Bono 51395% 51396Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click". 51397% 51398Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself. 51399 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune" 51400% 51401Thinks't thou existence doth depend on time? 51402It doth; but actions are our epochs; mine 51403Have made my days and nights imperishable, 51404Endless, and all alike, as sands on the shore, 51405Innumerable atoms; and one desert, 51406Barren and cold, on which the wild waves break, 51407But nothing rests, save carcasses and wrecks, 51408Rocks, and the salt-surf weeds of bitterness. 51409% 51410Thirteen at a table is unlucky only 51411when the hostess has only twelve chops. 51412 -- Groucho Marx 51413% 51414Thirty days hath Septober, 51415April, June, and no wonder. 51416all the rest have peanut butter 51417except my father who wears red suspenders. 51418% 51419Thirty white horses on a red hill, 51420First they champ, 51421Then they stamp, 51422Then they stand still. 51423 -- Tolkien 51424% 51425This ae nighte, this ae nighte, 51426Everye nighte and alle, 51427Fire and sleet and candlelyte, 51428And Christe receive thy saule. 51429 -- The Lykewake Dirge 51430% 51431This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked. When we can 51432speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled; 51433batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented, 51434deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts, 51435Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong; senseless, 51436spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked; {beef, 51437beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled, 51438pinhead; asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple; brute, lumbering, oafish; 51439half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have 51440a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon, 51441individually and in combination, isn't it a little <fill in the blank> to be 51442limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective? 51443% 51444This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel. 51445(If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?) 51446 -- Found on a door in the MSU music building 51447% 51448This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobazz Magic Co., Ltd. 51449% 51450This email and any files transmitted with it are confidential and 51451intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to which they 51452are addressed. If you are not the intended recipient of this 51453transmission, please delete it immediately. 51454 51455Obviously, I am the idiot who sent it to you by mistake. Furthermore, 51456there is no way I can force you to delete it. Worse, by the time you 51457have reached this disclaimer you have already read the document. 51458Telling you to forget it would seem absurd. In any event, I have no 51459legal right to force you to take any action upon this email anyway. 51460 51461This entire disclaimer is just a waste of everyone's time and 51462bandwidth. Therefore, let us just forget the whole thing and enjoy a 51463cold beer instead. 51464 -- found on the dovecot mailinglist 51465% 51466This file will self-destruct in five minutes. 51467% 51468This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate 51469need, please use the program "randchar". This program generates 51470random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come 51471up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at 51472all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been. 51473% 51474This Fortune Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14 51475% 51476This fortune intentionally not included. 51477% 51478This fortune intentionally says nothing. 51479% 51480This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose 51481invaluable assistance last night would never have been possible. 51482% 51483This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready! 51484% 51485This fortune is false. 51486% 51487This fortune is inoperative. Please try another. 51488% 51489This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory. 51490% 51491This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard. 51492% 51493This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter. 51494% 51495This generation doesn't have emotional baggage. 51496We have emotional moving vans. 51497 -- Bruce Feirstein 51498% 51499This guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Kathy, pack up your 51500bags! I just won the California lottery!" 51501 "Honey!", Kathy exclaims, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" 51502 "I don't care," responds the husband. "just so long as you're out 51503of the house by dinner!" 51504% 51505This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, 51506regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling keys... 51507% 51508This is a good time to punt work. 51509% 51510This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT 51511DOG. 51512 -- Bob Violence 51513% 51514This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an 51515actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you? 51516% 51517This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. 51518Had there been an actual emergency, then you would no longer be here. 51519% 51520This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, 51521because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under 51522which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has 51523"deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the 51524consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any 51525rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for 51526oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill 51527Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers 51528over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These 51529innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been 51530passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with 51531amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do 51532apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark, 51533and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out. 51534 -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations" 51535% 51536This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement. 51537% 51538This is Betty Frenel. I don't know who to call but I can't reach my 51539Food-a-holics partner. I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage 51540and mushroom. Jim, come and get me! 51541% 51542This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists, 51543and not enough hunchbacks. 51544% 51545This is for all ill-treated fellows 51546 Unborn and unbegot, 51547For them to read when they're in trouble 51548 And I am not. 51549 -- A. E. Housman 51550% 51551This is Jim Rockford. 51552At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you. 51553% 51554This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back 51555to one. 51556 -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351 51557% 51558This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and 51559his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe. 51560Sorry, Jim, bring it on over. 51561% 51562This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you... Is this a machine? 51563I don't talk to machines! [Click] 51564% 51565This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week. 51566% 51567This is NOT a repeat. 51568% 51569This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers. The 51570spark-gap is mightier than the pen. Democracy will not be salvaged by men 51571who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly. 51572 -- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938 51573% 51574THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM 51575 51576If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your 51577contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue 51578without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are 51579contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We 51580can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money 51581for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the 51582difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight 51583and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to 51584"fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before 51585you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. 51586Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute 5158730 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The 51588Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or 51589more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ... 51590% 51591This is supposed to be a happy occasion. 51592Let's not BICKER and ARGUE over who killed who! 51593% 51594This is the Baron. Angel Martin tells me you buy information. Ok, 51595meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars 51596and come alone. I'm serious! 51597% 51598This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, 51599which is a little ironic since we may not have one. 51600 -- Arthur C. Clarke 51601% 51602This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the 51603power of computers: 51604 51605Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct 51606the thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a 51607minimum level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The 51608results are that one should eat each day: 51609 51610 1/2 chicken 51611 1 egg 51612 1 glass of skim milk 51613 27 heads of lettuce. 51614 -- Rev. Adrian Melott 51615% 51616This is the ____LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury! 51617% 51618This is the sort of English up with which I will not put. 51619 -- Winston Churchill 51620% 51621This is the story of the bee 51622Whose sex is very hard to see 51623 51624You cannot tell the he from the she 51625But she can tell, and so can he 51626 51627The little bee is never still 51628She has no time to take the pill 51629 51630And that is why, in times like these 51631There are so many sons of bees. 51632% 51633This is the theory that Jack built. 51634This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built. 51635This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in... 51636% 51637This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. 51638And now you know why. 51639% 51640This is the way the world ends, 51641This is the way the world ends, 51642This is the way the world ends, 51643Not with a bang but with a whimper. 51644 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men" 51645% 51646This is your fortune. 51647% 51648This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. 51649 -- Wolfgang Pauli, on a colleague's paper 51650% 51651This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's 51652constant. And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's 51653been called by others the fiddle factor..." 51654 -- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture 51655% 51656This land is full of trousers! 51657this land is full of mausers! 51658 And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down! 51659 -- The Firesign Theatre 51660% 51661This land is made of mountains, 51662This land is made of mud, 51663This land has lots of everything, 51664For me and Elmer Fudd. 51665 51666This land has lots of trousers, 51667This land has lots of mousers, 51668And pussycats to eat them 51669When the sun goes down. 51670% 51671This land is my land, and only my land, 51672I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one, 51673If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off, 51674This land is private property. 51675 -- Apologies to Woody Guthrie 51676% 51677This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life, 51678you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where 51679to go. 51680% 51681This life is yours. Some of it was given 51682to you; the rest, you made yourself. 51683% 51684This login session: $13.99 51685% 51686This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88 51687% 51688This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings. 51689% 51690This night methinks is but the daylight sick. 51691 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 51692% 51693This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with 51694great force. 51695 -- Dorothy Parker 51696% 51697This one is for all you military types. For those who don't know, Rangers 51698are *extremely* well trained members of the U.S. Army. Marines are people 51699who start out as normal soldiers and then are made to believe that bullets 51700don't actually hurt. 51701 One day a platoon of Marines are on patrol when they come upon a 51702Ranger relaxing on top of a small hill. The Ranger puts his hands on his 51703hips and screams out, "Do any of you seaweed sucking jarheads think you're 51704man enough to take me on?" 51705 The biggest Marine comes running up the hill, screaming back at the 51706Ranger. When he gets to the top he simply plows into his foe and the two 51707tumble down the other side of the hill, out of sight. There is the sound of 51708a horrendous fight for a moment or two, and then all is quiet. Soon, the 51709Ranger reappears, quite untouched. He puts his hands on his hips and sneers, 51710"Well, looks to me like one of you couldn't do it, how about the rest?" 51711 The enraged Marine platoon leader sends his entire platoon (30+men) 51712charging after the Ranger. They all go tumbling down the far side of the hill. 51713After 15 minutes of screaming and yelling and cursing a lone, bloodied Marine 51714crawls over the top of the hill. The platoon leader yells up to his man, 51715"What's going on up there?" The wounded Marine, with his last bit of breath, 51716replies, "Sir, it's a... a trap, sir. They're two of them!" 51717% 51718This place just isn't big enough for all of us. We've 51719got to find a way off this planet. 51720% 51721This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of 51722the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many 51723solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were 51724largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, 51725which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of 51726paper that were unhappy. 51727 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 51728% 51729This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does 51730something child-like. 51731 -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington 51732% 51733This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real 51734persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some 51735assembly may be required. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during 51736shipment. Use only as directed. May be too intense for some viewers. If 51737condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. 51738Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Not responsible for direct, 51739indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error 51740or failure to perform. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Substantial 51741penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Your cancelled 51742check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Employees and their families 51743are not eligible. Beware of dog. Driver does not carry cash. Limited time 51744offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. Use only in well-ventilated area. 51745Keep away from fire or flame. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does 51746not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery. Penalty for private use. Call 51747toll free before digging. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product 51748appear for identification purposes only. All models over 18 years of age. Do 51749not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be 51750paid by addressee. Apply only to affected area. One size fits all. Many 51751suitcases look alike. Edited for television. No solicitors. Reproduction 51752strictly prohibited. Restaurant package, not for resale. Objects in mirror 51753are closer than they appear. Decision of judges is final. This supersedes 51754all previous notices. No other warranty expressed or implied. 51755% 51756This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland 51757student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87. 51758 51759 One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use 51760 Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one 51761 computer language to another and has a built-in editing system 51762 which identifies errors in the original program. 51763% 51764This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his 51765mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry 51766often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and 51767adds happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply. 51768 -- Lazarus Long 51769% 51770This screen intentionally left blank. 51771% 51772This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't. 51773 -- Douglas Hofstadter 51774% 51775This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have. 51776% 51777This sentence no verb. 51778% 51779This system will self-destruct in five minutes. 51780% 51781This thing all things devours: 51782Birds, beasts, trees, flowers; 51783Gnaws iron, bites steel; 51784Grinds hard stones to meal; 51785Slays king, ruins town, 51786And beats high mountain down. 51787% 51788This unit... must... survive. 51789% 51790This universe shipped by weight, not by volume. Some expansion of the 51791contents may have occurred during shipment. 51792% 51793This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard 51794dying... but nobody thought so. This was a future of fortune and theft, 51795pillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it. 51796 -- Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination" 51797% 51798This was the most unkindest cut of all. 51799 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 51800% 51801This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. 51802This was terrible with raisins in it. 51803 -- Dorothy Parker 51804% 51805This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down! 51806% 51807This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it. 51808% 51809This yuppie, see, was in a car wreck. His BMW was mangled, and so was he. 51810The paramedic was leaning over him getting his vitals, and all the yup 51811could groan was "My BMW! My BMW!" 51812 The paramedic tried to quiet the man, pointing out that his car 51813wasn't his chief concern at the moment, especially as he'd been rearranged 51814pretty badly himself -- for example, his left arm was severed at the elbow 51815and was lying about twenty feet away. 51816 There was a moment of stunned silence from the yup followed by 51817"Oh no! My Rolex! My Rolex!" 51818% 51819Those lovable Brits department: 51820 They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'. 51821% 51822Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those 51823of us who do. 51824% 51825Those of you who think you know it all upset those of us who do. 51826% 51827Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised) 51828are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse 51829at are called software. 51830 -- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological 51831 Literacy for the 1990's. 51832% 51833Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have 51834learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee. 51835 -- W. S. Krabill 51836% 51837Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of 51838Silly Putty. 51839 -- Dennis Rawlins 51840% 51841Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate. 51842% 51843Those who can, do; those who can't, write. 51844Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record. 51845% 51846Those who can make you believe absurdities, can make you commit atrocities. 51847 -- Voltaire 51848% 51849Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. 51850 -- George Santayana 51851% 51852Those who can't write, write manuals. 51853% 51854Those who claim the dead never return 51855to life haven't ever been around here at quitting time. 51856% 51857Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics. 51858 -- French Proverb 51859% 51860Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. 51861 -- Henry Spencer 51862% 51863Those who do things in a noble spirit of 51864self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs. 51865 -- N. Alexander 51866% 51867Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, 51868for these only gave life, those the art of living well. 51869 -- Aristotle 51870% 51871Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often 51872surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law. 51873 -- Mark B. Cohen 51874% 51875Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty 51876Often have a share in their misfortunes. 51877 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Caucasian Chalk Circle" 51878% 51879Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the 51880world is love. The poor know that it is money. 51881 -- Gerald Brenan 51882% 51883Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. 51884% 51885Those who make peaceful revolution impossible 51886will make violent revolution inevitable. 51887 -- John F. Kennedy 51888% 51889Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are 51890men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean 51891without the roar of its many waters. 51892 -- Frederick Douglass 51893% 51894Those who sweat in flames of hell, Leaden eared, some thought their bowels 51895Here's the reason that they fell: Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels. 51896While on earth they prayed in SAS, These they offered up in praise 51897PL/1, or other crass, Thinking all this fetid haze 51898Vulgar tongue. A rhapsody sung. 51899 51900Some the lord did sorely try Jabber of the mindless horde 51901Assembling all their pleas in hex. Sequel next did mock the lord 51902Speech as crabbed as devil's crable Slothful sequel so enfangled 51903Hex that marked on Tower Babel Its speaker's lips became entangled 51904The highest rung. In his bung. 51905 51906Because in life they prayed so ill 51907And offered god such swinish swill 51908Now they sweat in flames of hell 51909Sweat from lack of APL 51910Sweat dung! 51911% 51912Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know. 51913% 51914Thou hast seen nothing yet. 51915 -- Miguel de Cervantes 51916% 51917Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to 51918be maintained. 51919 -- The Tao of Programming 51920% 51921Though I respect that a lot 51922I'd be fired if that were my job 51923After killing Jason off and 51924Countless screaming argonauts 51925 51926Bluebird of friendliness 51927Like guardian angels it's 51928Always near 51929 51930Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch 51931Who watches over you 51932Make a little birdhouse in your soul 51933Not to put too fine a point on it 51934Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet 51935Make a little birdhouse in your soul 51936 51937 -- "Birdhouse in your Soul", They Might Be Giants 51938% 51939Thrashing is just virtual crashing. 51940% 51941Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are 51942the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with 51943Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether -- 51944whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A 51945fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any 51946more about the matter than the others. 51947 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 51948% 51949Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write. 51950 -- Trollope 51951% 51952Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. 51953 -- Benjamin Franklin 51954% 51955Three Midwesterners, a Kansan, a Missourian and an Iowan, 51956all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete this sentence: 51957"Old MacDonald had a . . ." 51958 51959 "Old MacDonald had a carburetor," answered the Kansan. 51960 "Sorry, that's wrong," the game show host said. 51961 "Old MacDonald had a free brake alignment down at the 51962 service station," said the Missourian. 51963 "Wrong." 51964 "Old MacDonald had a farm," said the Iowan. 51965 "CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster. "Now for $100,000, spell `farm.'" 51966 "Easy," said the Iowan. "E-I-E-I-O." 51967% 51968Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought 51969is irksome and three minutes is a long time. 51970 -- A. E. Housman 51971% 51972Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too 51973late or a little too early for anything you want to do. 51974 -- Jean-Paul Sartre 51975% 51976Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky, 51977Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone, 51978Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die, 51979One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne 51980In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie. 51981One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, 51982One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them 51983In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie. 51984 -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings" 51985% 51986Three rules for sounding like an expert: 51987 1. Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness. 51988 2. Always point out second-order effects, 51989 but never point out when they can be ignored. 51990 3. Come up with three rules of your own. 51991% 51992Throw away documentation and manuals, 51993and users will be a hundred times happier. 51994Throw away privileges and quotas, 51995and users will do the Right Thing. 51996Throw away proprietary and site licenses, 51997and there won't be any pirating. 51998 51999If these three aren't enough, 52000just stay at your home directory 52001and let all processes take their course. 52002% 52003Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know 52004what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true. 52005 -- Bertrand Russell 52006% 52007Thus spake the master programmer: 52008 "A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program 52009 is its own hell." 52010 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 52011% 52012Thus spake the master programmer: 52013 "After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless." 52014 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 52015% 52016Thus spake the master programmer: 52017 "Let the programmer be many and the managers few -- then all will 52018 be productive." 52019 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 52020% 52021Thus spake the master programmer: 52022 "Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to 52023 be maintained." 52024 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 52025% 52026Thus spake the master programmer: 52027 "Time for you to leave." 52028 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 52029% 52030Thus spake the master programmer: 52031 "When program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes." 52032 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 52033% 52034Thus spake the master programmer: 52035 "When you have learned to snatch the error code from 52036 the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave." 52037 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 52038% 52039Thus spake the master programmer: 52040 "Without the wind, the grass does not move. Without software, 52041 hardware is useless." 52042 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 52043% 52044Thus spake the master programmer: 52045 "You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you 52046 can't make him computer literate." 52047 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 52048% 52049Thyme's Law: 52050 Everything goes wrong at once. 52051% 52052Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day 52053Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way 52054Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown 52055Waiting for someone or something to show you the way 52056 52057Tired of lying in the sunshine And then one day you find 52058Staying home to watch the rain Ten years have got behind you 52059You are young and life is long No one told you when to run 52060And there is time to kill today You missed the starting gun 52061 52062And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking 52063And racing around to come up behind you again 52064The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older 52065Shorter of breath and one day closer to death 52066 52067Every year is getting shorter Hanging on in quiet desperation 52068 is the English way 52069Never seem to find the time The time is gone, the song is over 52070Plans that either come to nought Thought I'd something more to say... 52071Or half a page of scribbled lines 52072 -- Pink Floyd, "Time" 52073% 52074Tiddely Quiddely 52075Edward M. Kennedy 52076Quite unaccountably 52077Drove in a stream. 52078 52079Pleas of amnesia 52080Incomprehensible 52081Possibly shattered 52082Political dream. 52083% 52084Tiger got to hunt, 52085Bird got to fly; 52086Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?" 52087 52088Tiger got to sleep, 52089Bird got to land; 52090Man got to tell himself he understand. 52091 -- The Books of Bokonon 52092% 52093Time and tide wait for no man. 52094% 52095Time as he grows old teaches all things. 52096 -- Aeschylus 52097% 52098Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana. 52099% 52100Time goes, you say? 52101Ah no! 52102Time stays, *we* go. 52103 -- Austin Dobson 52104% 52105Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. 52106 -- Hector Berlioz 52107% 52108Time is an illusion, lunchtime doubly so. 52109 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 52110% 52111Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space. 52112% 52113Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in. 52114 -- Henry David Thoreau 52115% 52116Time is nature's way of making sure that 52117everything doesn't happen at once. 52118 52119Space is nature's way of making sure that 52120everything doesn't happen to you. 52121% 52122Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend. 52123 -- Theophrastus 52124% 52125Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer. 52126% 52127Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing. 52128% 52129Time to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo. 52130% 52131Time to take stock. 52132Go home with some office supplies. 52133% 52134Time washes clean 52135Love's wounds unseen. 52136That's what someone told me; 52137But I don't know what it means. 52138 -- Linda Ronstadt, "Long Long Time" 52139% 52140Time will end all my troubles, 52141but I don't always approve of Time's methods. 52142% 52143Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business. 52144 -- H. R. J. Grosch (attributed) 52145% 52146Timesharing, n.: 52147 An access method whereby one computer abuses many people. 52148% 52149Timing must be perfect now. 52150Two-timing must be better than perfect. 52151% 52152Tip of the Day: 52153 Never fry bacon in the nude. 52154% 52155Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control. 52156 -- J. LeBoutillier 52157% 52158Tip the world over on its side and 52159everything loose will land in Los Angeles. 52160 -- Frank Lloyd Wright 52161% 52162TIPS FOR PERFORMERS: 52163 Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters. 52164 There are a finite number of jokes in the universe. 52165 Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music longer than 52166 they would ordinarily. 52167 There is no music in space. 52168 People will pay to watch people make sounds. 52169 Everything on stage should be larger than in real life. 52170% 52171TIRED of calculating components of vectors? Displacements along direction of 52172force getting you down? Well, now there's help. Try amazing "Dot-Product", 52173the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available 52174to YOU through this special offer. Three out of five engineering consultants 52175recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products. Mr. 52176Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview... 52177 "Dot-Product really works! Calculating Z-axis force components has 52178 never been easier." 52179Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product. Use 52180it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector 52181components. How much would you pay for it? But wait, it also calculates the 52182work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTUs. Divide Dot-Product by the 52183magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator! Now, how 52184much would you pay? All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!! 52185But that's not all! If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous 52186Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free! Yes, you'll get 52187Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!! 52188Call 1-800-DOT-6000. Operators are standing by. That number again... 521891-800-DOT-6000. Supplies are limited, so act now. This offer is not 52190available through stores and is void where prohibited by law. 52191% 52192Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die. 52193% 52194'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents. 52195 -- H. L. Mencken 52196% 52197'Tis the dream of each programmer, 52198Before his life is done, 52199To write three lines of APL, 52200And make the damn things run. 52201% 52202To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he 52203is allowed to drive a taxi in New York. For New York cabbies, honesty and 52204stopping at red lights are both optional. 52205 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts" 52206% 52207To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go 52208above fifty-eight degrees. If you collapse on a street in New York, plan 52209to spend a few days there. 52210 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts" 52211% 52212To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons 52213in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other. 52214 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts" 52215% 52216To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks. There are, 52217in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people. The 52218only way to tell the difference between California and Sweden is that the 52219Swedes speak better English. 52220 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts" 52221% 52222To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than 52223a million dollars are those on fire. These generally go for six hundred 52224thousand. 52225 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts" 52226% 52227To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education. 52228To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither 52229oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete. 52230 -- Epictetus 52231% 52232To add insult to injury. 52233 -- Phaedrus 52234% 52235To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are 52236to stand by the president right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and 52237servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public." 52238 -- Theodore Roosevelt 52239% 52240To any truly impartial person, it would 52241be obvious that I am always right. 52242% 52243To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. 52244 -- Elbert Hubbard 52245% 52246To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift. 52247 -- Shelley 52248% 52249To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who 52250should demand more from her? You don't want a rose to sing. 52251 -- Thackeray 52252% 52253To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job 52254than a man would have to be. Fortunately, this isn't difficult. 52255% 52256To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North 52257Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it. 52258 -- Confucius 52259% 52260To be great is to be misunderstood. 52261 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 52262% 52263To be happy one must be a) well fed, unhounded by sordid cares, at ease in 52264Zion, b) full of a comfortable feeling of superiority to the masses of one's 52265fellow men, and c) delicately and unceasingly amused according to one's taste. 52266It is my contention that, if this definition be accepted, there is no country 52267in the world wherein a man constituted as I am -- a man of my peculiar 52268weaknesses, vanities, appetites, and aversions -- can be so happy as he can 52269be in the United States. Going further, I lay down the doctrine that it is 52270a sheer physical impossibility for such a man to live in the United States 52271and not be happy. 52272 -- H. L. Mencken, "On Being An American" 52273% 52274To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. 52275% 52276To be is to be related. 52277 -- C. J. Keyser 52278% 52279To be is to do. 52280 -- I. Kant 52281To do is to be. 52282 -- A. Sartre 52283Do be a Do Bee! 52284 -- Miss Connie, Romper Room 52285Do be do be do! 52286 -- F. Sinatra 52287Yabba-Dabba-Doo! 52288 -- F. Flintstone 52289% 52290To be loved is very demoralizing. 52291 -- Katharine Hepburn 52292% 52293To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to, 52294night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest 52295battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. 52296 -- E. E. Cummings, "A Miscellany" 52297% 52298To be or not to be. 52299 -- Shakespeare 52300To do is to be. 52301 -- Nietzsche 52302To be is to do. 52303 -- Sartre 52304Do be do be do. 52305 -- Sinatra 52306% 52307To be or not to be, that is the bottom line. 52308% 52309To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects 52310but your own; to be moral, all pretences but your own. 52311 -- Lionel Strachey 52312% 52313To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore 52314this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to 52315offer in response is based on information available to make no such 52316statement. 52317% 52318To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man. 52319 -- Golda Meir 52320% 52321To be successful, a woman must do her job ten times 52322as well as a man. Fortunately, this is not difficult. 52323% 52324To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, 52325call it the target. 52326% 52327To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved. 52328% 52329To be who one is, is not to be someone else. 52330% 52331To be wise, the only thing you really need 52332to know is when to say "I don't know." 52333% 52334To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for 52335you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius. 52336 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 52337% 52338To code the impossible code, This is my quest -- 52339To bring up a virgin machine, To debug that code, 52340To pop out of endless recursion, No matter how hopeless, 52341To grok what appears on the screen, No matter the load, 52342 To write those routines 52343To right the unrightable bug, Without question or pause, 52344To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To be willing to hack FORTRAN IV 52345To mount the unmountable magtape, For a heavenly cause. 52346To stop the unstoppable crash! And I know if I'll only be true 52347 To this glorious quest, 52348And the queue will be better for this, That my code will run CUSPy and calm, 52349That one man, scorned and When it's put to the test. 52350 destined to lose, 52351Still strove with his last allocation 52352To scrap the unscrappable kludge! 52353 -- To "The Impossible Dream", from Man of La Mancha 52354% 52355To communicate is the beginning of understanding. 52356 -- AT&T 52357% 52358To converse at the distance of the Indes by means of sympathetic contrivances 52359may be as natural to future times as to us is a literary correspondence. 52360 -- Joseph Glanvill, 1661 52361% 52362To craunch a marmoset. 52363 -- Pedro Carolino, "English as She is Spoke" 52364% 52365To create quality software, the ability to say no is usually far 52366more important than the ability to say yes. 52367 -- Michi Henning 52368% 52369To criticize the incompetent is easy; 52370it is more difficult to criticize the competent. 52371% 52372To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life. 52373 -- Senator Edmund Muskie 52374% 52375To do nothing is to be nothing. 52376% 52377To do two things at once is to do neither. 52378 -- Publilius Syrus 52379% 52380To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally 52381convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection. 52382 -- H. Poincare 52383% 52384To envision how a 4-processor system running [SunOS] 4.1.x works, think 52385of four kids and one bathroom. 52386 -- John DiMarco 52387% 52388To err is human -- but it feels divine. 52389 -- Mae West 52390% 52391To err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so. 52392% 52393To err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up. 52394% 52395To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer. 52396% 52397To err is human, but when the eraser wears out 52398before the pencil, you're overdoing it a little. 52399% 52400To err is human; to admit it, a blunder. 52401% 52402To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System. 52403% 52404To err is human, to forgive, infrequent. 52405% 52406To err is human, to forgive is against company policy. 52407% 52408To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy. 52409% 52410To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy. 52411 -- MIT Assassination Club 52412% 52413To err is human, to forgive unusual. 52414% 52415To err is human, to purr feline. 52416To err is human, two curs canine. 52417To err is human, to moo bovine. 52418% 52419To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish. 52420 -- Benjamin Franklin 52421% 52422To err is human. 52423To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human. 52424% 52425To err is human, 52426To purr feline. 52427 -- Robert Byrne 52428% 52429To err is humor. 52430% 52431To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D. 52432 -- B. Duggan 52433% 52434To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: 52435A time to be born, and a time to die; 52436A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted; 52437A time to kill, and a time to heal; 52438A time to break down, and a time to build up; 52439A time to weep, and a time to laugh; 52440A time to mourn, and a time to dance; 52441A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones; 52442A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 52443A time to gain, and a time to lose; 52444A time to keep, and a time to throw away; 52445A time to tear, and a time to sew; 52446A time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 52447A time to love, and a time to hate; 52448A time of war, and a time of peace. 52449 Ecclesiastes 3:1-9 52450% 52451To fear love is to fear life, and those 52452who fear life are already three parts dead. 52453 -- Bertrand Russell 52454% 52455To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two. 52456 -- Norman Douglas 52457% 52458To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends. 52459 -- Benjamin Franklin 52460% 52461To generalize is to be an idiot. 52462 -- William Blake 52463% 52464To get back on your feet, miss two car payments. 52465% 52466To get something clean, one has to get something dirty. 52467To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean. 52468% 52469To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three 52470men, two of them absent. 52471% 52472To give happiness is to deserve happiness. 52473% 52474To give of yourself, you must first know yourself. 52475% 52476To have died once is enough. 52477 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 52478% 52479To hell with the Prime Directive; 52480Let's KILL something! 52481% 52482To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. 52483 -- Thomas Edison 52484% 52485To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. 52486 -- Robert Heller 52487% 52488To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war. 52489 -- Winston Churchill, on Korean War negotiations 52490% 52491To keep your friends treat them kindly; 52492to kill them, treat them often. 52493% 52494To know Edina is to reject it. 52495 -- Dudley Riggs, "The Year the Grinch Stole the Election" 52496% 52497To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools. 52498% 52499To lead people, you must follow behind. 52500 -- Lao Tsu 52501% 52502To listen to some devout people, 52503one would imagine that God never laughs. 52504 -- Sri Aurobindo 52505% 52506To love is good, love being difficult. 52507% 52508To make an enemy, do someone a favor. 52509% 52510To make tax forms true they should 52511read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You". 52512% 52513To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation. 52514 -- St. Augustine 52515% 52516TO ME, CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered 52517where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the 52518circus and a clown killed my dad. 52519 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 52520% 52521To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura 52522bitters. Shake. 52523 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail 52524% 52525To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet. 52526 -- 19th century toast 52527% 52528To refuse praise is to seek praise twice. 52529% 52530To restore a sense of reality, I think 52531Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland. 52532 -- Jack Paar 52533% 52534To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda. 52535% 52536To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role, 52537but you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor 52538micro and then try to run it on OS/2. I mean, get serious. 52539 -- William Zachmann, International Data Corp 52540% 52541To say you got a vote of confidence 52542would be to say you needed a vote of confidence. 52543 -- Andrew Young 52544% 52545To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse. 52546% 52547To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block, 52548and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget breakfast instantly. It was 52549agreeable, too -it really was- to see him cut it off, so smooth and juicy. 52550There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen; 52551it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of 52552tone, skillful handling of the subject, fine shading. It was the triumph of 52553mind over matter; quite. 52554 -- Charles Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit" 52555% 52556To see you is to sympathize. 52557% 52558To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts 52559the job will take the longest and cost the most. 52560% 52561To stand and be still, 52562At the Birkenhead drill, 52563Is a damned tough bullet to chew. 52564 -- Rudyard Kipling 52565% 52566To stay young requires unceasing cultivation 52567of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods. 52568 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" 52569% 52570To stay youthful, stay useful. 52571% 52572To teach is to learn. 52573% 52574To teach is to learn twice. 52575 -- Joseph Joubert 52576% 52577To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall. 52578% 52579To the landlord belongs the doorknobs. 52580% 52581To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide 52582a test load. 52583% 52584To Theodore Roosevelt: 52585 You are like the Wind and I like the Lion. You form the Tempest. 52586The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched. I roar in defiance but 52587you do not hear. But between us there is a difference. I, like the lion, 52588must remain in my place. While you, like the wind, will never know yours. 52589 Mulay Hamid El Raisuli 52590 Lord of the Riff 52591 Sultan to the Berbers 52592 Last of the Barbary Pirates 52593% 52594To thine own self be true. 52595(If not that, at least make some money.) 52596% 52597To think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is 52598madness. 52599 -- Eugene Ionesco 52600% 52601To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional 52602system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy, 52603inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence: 52604precision and flexibility may be just as dysfunctional in novel, 52605uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar, 52606well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures 52607of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very 52608secure ecological niche. 52609 -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers" 52610% 52611TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING: 52612 52613 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care 52614what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you 52615may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. 52616 Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else be required 52617to ensure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the 52618destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted 52619or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to ensure your 52620receiving said benefit. 52621 I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between 52622yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving 52623as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may 52624in some way be influenced by this ceremony. 52625 Amen. 52626 -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness", 1969 52627% 52628To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program. 52629% 52630To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what 52631he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do. 52632% 52633To understand this important story, you have to understand how the 52634telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local 52635computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is 52636in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the 52637lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan. 52638 52639Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it 52640suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the 52641computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the 52642one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe 52643break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid 52644incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse, 52645an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca 52646pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's 52647loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen 52648and drink gin and laugh themselves silly. 52649 -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own 52650 Phones?" 52651% 52652To use violence is to already be defeated. 52653 -- Chinese proverb 52654% 52655To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it? 52656% 52657To whom the mornings are like nights, 52658What must the midnights be! 52659 -- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?) 52660% 52661To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly 52662strip down your words to naked, willing flesh. 52663Then bind them to a metaphor or three, 52664and take by force a satisfying mesh. 52665Arrange them to your will, each foot in place. 52666You are the master here, and they the slaves. 52667Now whip them to maintain a constant pace 52668and rhythm as they stand in even staves. 52669A word that strikes no pleasure? Cast it out! 52670What use are words that drive not to the heart? 52671A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt, 52672and choose more docile words to take its part. 52673A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain, 52674by making love directly to the brain. 52675% 52676To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the loyal opposition. 52677 -- Woody Allen 52678% 52679Tobacco is a filthy weed, 52680That from the devil does proceed; 52681It drains your purse, it burns your clothes, 52682And makes a chimney of your nose. 52683 -- B. Waterhouse 52684% 52685TODAY: 52686 A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long. 52687% 52688Today is a good day for information-gathering. 52689Read someone else's mail file. 52690% 52691Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official. 52692% 52693Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day. 52694% 52695Today is the first day of the rest of the mess. 52696% 52697Today is the first day of the rest of your life. 52698% 52699Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage. 52700% 52701Today is the last day of your life so far. 52702% 52703Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. 52704% 52705Today is what happened to yesterday. 52706% 52707Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word 52708except in major motion pictures. 52709 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 52710% 52711Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a 52712cheering squad and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a 52713boarder. 52714% 52715Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures. 52716% 52717Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? 52718 52719And where does it go after it leaves the toaster? 52720 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 52721% 52722Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new 52723cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more 52724spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog! 52725 -- Bob & Ray 52726% 52727Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why. 52728 -- Hunter S. Thompson 52729% 52730Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy. 52731% 52732Toilet Toupee, n.: 52733 Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus 52734 creating endless annoyance to male users. 52735 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 52736% 52737Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name. 52738 -- Gore Vidal 52739% 52740Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past 52741but fortunately, it can still be changed today. 52742% 52743Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest. 52744% 52745Tomorrow, you can be anywhere. 52746% 52747Tomorrow's computers some time next month. 52748 -- DEC 52749% 52750Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch. 52751% 52752Tonight you will pay the wages of sin; 52753Don't forget to leave a tip. 52754% 52755Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree. 52756% 52757Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life: 52758 If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault. 52759% 52760Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy 52761driving cabs and cutting hair. 52762 -- George Burns 52763% 52764TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin 52765real fast and freak everybody out. 52766 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 52767% 52768Too clever is dumb. 52769 -- Ogden Nash 52770% 52771Too cool to calypso, 52772Too tough to tango, 52773Too weird to watusi 52774 -- The Only Ones 52775% 52776Too Late 52777 A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday by 52778the two o'clock boats. If their object in going down was to participate in 52779the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day after 52780the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby. 52781 -- Sacramento Daily Union, November 29, 1861 52782% 52783Too many of his [Mozart's] works sound like interoffice memos. 52784 -- Glenn Gould 52785% 52786Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. 52787They seem more afraid of life than death. 52788 -- James F. Byrnes 52789% 52790Too much is just enough. 52791 -- Mark Twain, on whiskey 52792% 52793Too much is not enough. 52794% 52795Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. 52796 -- Mae West 52797% 52798Too much of everything is just enough. 52799 -- Bob Wier 52800% 52801Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available 52802briefcases. 52803 -- Governor Jerry Brown 52804% 52805Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for 52806anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations 52807in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software." 52808 -- Instrument News 52809 [Once is too often. Ed.] 52810% 52811Too ripped. Gotta go. 52812% 52813Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch. 52814% 52815Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer: 52816 5281710) Specifications are for the weak and timid! 52818 9) You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand! 52819 8) Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull! 52820 7) What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. 52821 Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality 52822 assurance people in its wake. 52823 6) Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' 52824 - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM. 52825 5) Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak. 52826 4) A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code! 52827 3) Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features 52828 are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand. 52829 2) You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the 52830 original Klingon. 52831 1) Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! 52832 Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are! 52833% 52834Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the 52835earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century. 52836As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help. 52837Please... 52838 52839 CONSERVE GRAVITY 52840 52841Follow these simple suggestions: 52842 52843(1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible. 52844(2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights. 52845(3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like 52846 curling. 52847(4) Avoid showers ... take baths instead. 52848(5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big 52849 pile. 52850(6) Stop flipping pancakes 52851% 52852Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings: 52853 5285410: Sorry, but that's too useful. 52855 9: Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent! 52856 8: I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell 52857 #pragma is for. 52858 7: Well, it's an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too 52859 hard to write. 52860 6: Them bats is smart; they use radar. 52861 5: All right, who's the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in here? 52862 4: How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!" 52863 3: Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this sucker. 52864 2: Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth. 52865 1: Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on "noalias". 52866% 52867Topologists are just plane folks. 52868 Pilots are just plane folks. 52869 Carpenters are just plane folks. 52870 Midwest farmers are just plain folks. 52871 Musicians are just playin' folks. 52872 Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks. 52873Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks. 52874% 52875Torque is cheap. 52876% 52877Total strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most. 52878% 52879TOTD (T-shirt Of The Day): 52880 I'm the person your mother warned you about. 52881% 52882Toto, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore. 52883 -- Judy Garland as Dorothy Gale, "The Wizard of Oz" 52884% 52885Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you 52886get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking." 52887 -- David Letterman 52888% 52889Tout choses sont dites deja, mais comme 52890personne n'ecoute, il faut toujours recommencer. 52891 -- A. Gide 52892% 52893Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. 52894 -- David Letterman 52895% 52896TRANSACTION CANCELED - FARECARD RETURNED 52897% 52898TRANSFER: 52899 A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town. 52900% 52901TRANSPARENT: 52902 Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object. 52903 "It's there, but you can't see it" 52904 -- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964 52905 52906VIRTUAL: 52907 Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object. 52908 "I can see it, but it's not there." 52909 -- Lady Macbeth 52910% 52911TRANSVESTITE: 52912 Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad. 52913% 52914Trap full -- please empty. 52915% 52916TRAVEL: 52917 Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere. 52918% 52919Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow. 52920% 52921Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy. 52922 -- Han Solo 52923% 52924Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village. 52925"What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant. 52926 "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has 52927to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered, one-hoss dump, or 52928by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms 52929for a short spell?" 52930% 52931Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy. 52932 -- Publilius Syrus 52933% 52934Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last. 52935 -- Charles DeGaulle 52936% 52937Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle. 52938 -- Michelangelo 52939% 52940Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level. 52941% 52942Trouble always comes at the wrong time. 52943% 52944Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the 52945next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of 52946a brand new series of three. 52947% 52948Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful, wealthy, and live 52949in eucalyptus trees. 52950% 52951Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing. 52952% 52953True happiness will be found only in true love. 52954% 52955True leadership is the art of changing 52956a group from what it is to what it ought to be. 52957 -- Virginia Allan 52958% 52959True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of 52960personal futility, and of the beauty of the world. 52961 -- David Mamet 52962% 52963Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant intelligence. 52964 -- Henrik Tikkanen 52965% 52966Truly simple systems... require infinite testing. 52967 -- Norman Augustine 52968% 52969Trust everybody, but cut the cards. 52970 -- Finley Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy" 52971% 52972Trust in Allah, but tie your camel. 52973 -- Arabian proverb 52974% 52975TRUST ME: 52976 Get me, give me, buy me, do me. 52977% 52978TRUST ME: 52979 Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor." 52980% 52981Trust your husband, adore your husband, 52982and get as much as you can in your own name. 52983 -- Joan Rivers 52984% 52985Truth can wait; he's used to it. 52986% 52987Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now -- always. 52988 -- Albert Schweitzer 52989% 52990Truth is free, but information costs. 52991% 52992Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure. 52993% 52994Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense. 52995% 52996Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it. 52997 -- Mark Twain 52998% 52999Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy 53000of him that brought her birth. 53001 -- Milton 53002% 53003Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) 53004% 53005Truthful, adj.: 53006 Dumb and illiterate. 53007 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 53008% 53009try again 53010% 53011Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational. 53012 -- Charles Schulz 53013% 53014Try not. 53015Do. 53016Or do not. 53017There is no try. 53018% 53019Try `stty 0' -- it works much better. 53020% 53021Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today. 53022% 53023Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good. 53024% 53025Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy. 53026% 53027Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, 53028is it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written 53029in four tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and 53030pretense. Watch for novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), 53031defined by the imperfect past, the insufficient present, and the 53032absolutely perfect future. 53033 -- Amrom Katz 53034% 53035Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. 53036% 53037Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances. 53038% 53039Try to relax and enjoy the crisis. 53040 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 53041% 53042Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you. 53043% 53044Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only 53045specification is that it should run noiselessly. 53046% 53047Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth. 53048 -- Alan Watts 53049% 53050Trying to establish voice contact ... please ____yell into keyboard. 53051% 53052Trying to get an education here is like 53053trying to take a drink from a fire hose. 53054% 53055T-shirt: 53056 Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum! 53057% 53058Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week. 53059% 53060Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life. 53061% 53062Turn on, tune in, and take over. 53063 -- Tim Leary 53064% 53065Turn the other cheek. 53066 -- Jesus Christ 53067% 53068Turnaucka's Law: 53069 The attention span of a computer is only as long as its 53070 electrical cord. 53071% 53072Tussman's Law: 53073 Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. 53074% 53075TV is chewing gum for the eyes. 53076 -- Frank Lloyd Wright 53077% 53078'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, 53079and I never even had the decency to thank her. 53080 -- R. B. Gossling 53081% 53082"Twas bergen and the eirie road 53083Did mahwah into patterson: "Beware the Hopatcong, my son! 53084All jersey were the ocean groves, The teeth that bite, the nails 53085And the red bank bayonne. that claw! 53086 Beware the bound brook bird, and shun 53087He took his belmar blade in hand: The kearney communipaw." 53088Long time the folsom foe he sought 53089Till rested he by a bayway tree And, as in nutley thought he stood, 53090And stood a while in thought. The Hopatcong with eyes of flame, 53091 Came whippany through the englewood, 53092One, two, one, two, and through And garfield as it came. 53093 and through 53094The belmar blade went hackensack! "And hast thou slain the Hopatcong? 53095He left it dead and with it's head Come to my arms, my perth amboy! 53096He went weehawken back. Hohokus day! Soho! Rahway!" 53097 He caldwell in his joy. 53098Did mahwah into patterson: 53099All jersey were the ocean groves, 53100And the red bank bayonne. 53101 -- Paul Kieffer 53102% 53103'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves 53104Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son! 53105All mimsy were the borogroves The jaws that bite, the claws 53106And the mome raths outgrabe. that catch! 53107 Beware the Jubjub bird, 53108He took his vorpal sword in hand And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!" 53109Long time the manxome foe he sought. 53110So rested he by the tumtum tree And as in uffish thought he stood 53111And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame 53112 Came whuffling through the tulgey wood 53113One! Two! One! Two! And through and And burbled as it came! 53114 through 53115The vorpal blade went snicker-snack. "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock? 53116He left it dead, and took its head, Come to my arms, my beamish boy! 53117And went galumphing back. Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!" 53118 He chortled in his joy. 53119'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves 53120Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. 53121All mimsy were the borogroves 53122And the mome raths outgrabe. 53123 -- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky" 53124% 53125'Twas bullig, and the slithy brokers 53126Did buy and gamble in the craze "Beware the Jabberstock, my son! 53127All rosy were the Dow Jones stokers The cost that bites, the worth 53128By market's wrath unphased. that falls! 53129 Beware the Econ'mist's word, and shun 53130He took his forecast sword in hand: The spurious Street o' Walls!" 53131Long time the Boesk'some foe he sought - 53132Sake's liquidity, so d'vested he, And as in bearish thought he stood 53133And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed, 53134 Came waffling with the truth too good, 53135Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through And yuppied great with greed! 53136 and through 53137The forecast blade went snicker-snack! "And hast thou slain the Jabberstock? 53138It bit the dirt, and with its shirt, Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy! 53139He went rebounding back. O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!" 53140 He bought him a Mercedes Toy. 53141'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers 53142Did gyre and tumble in the Crash 53143All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers 53144And mammon's wrath them bash! 53145 -- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky" 53146% 53147'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks 53148Did gyre and gimble in their cave 53149All mimsy was the CS-VAX 53150And Cory raths outgrabe. 53151 53152"Beware the software rot, my son! 53153The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash! 53154Beware the broken pipe, and shun 53155The frumious system crash!" 53156% 53157'Twas midnight on the ocean, Her children all were orphans, 53158Not a streetcar was in sight, Except one a tiny tot, 53159So I stepped into a cigar store Who had a home across the way 53160To ask them for a light. Above a vacant lot. 53161 53162The man behind the counter As I gazed through the oaken door 53163Was a woman, old and gray, A whale went drifting by, 53164Who used to peddle doughnuts Its six legs hanging in the air, 53165On the road to Mandalay. So I kissed her goodbye. 53166 53167She said "Good morning, stranger", This story has a morale 53168Her eyes were dry with tears, As you can plainly see, 53169As she put her head between her feet Don't mix your gin with whiskey 53170And stood that way for years. On the deep and dark blue sea. 53171 -- Midnight On The Ocean 53172% 53173'Twas the night before Christmas -- the very last one -- 53174When the blazing of lasers destroyed all our fun. 53175Just as Santa had lifted off, driving his sleigh, 53176A satellite spotted him making his way. 53177The Star Wars Defense System -- Reagan's desire 53178Was ready for action, and started to fire! 53179The laser beams criss-crossed and lit up the sky 53180Like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July. 53181I'd just finished wrapping the last of the toys 53182When out of my chimney there came a great noise. 53183I looked to the fireplace, hoping to see 53184St. Nick bringing presents for missus and me. 53185But what I saw next was disturbing and shocking: 53186A flaming red jacket setting fire to my stocking! 53187Charred reindeer remains and a melted sleigh-bell; 53188Outside burning toys like confetti they fell. 53189So now you know, children, why Christmas is gone: 53190The Star Wars computer had got something wrong. 53191Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart; 53192'Twas hardly a chance it would work from the start. 53193It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell, 53194If the crazy contraption would work very well. 53195So after a trillion or two had been spent 53196The system thought Santa a Red missile sent. 53197So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed, 53198There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead. 53199% 53200'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period 53201 preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And 53202 throughout our place of residence, 53203Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the 53204 possessors of this potential, including that 53205 species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. 53206Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward 53207 edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus, 53208Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an 53209 imminent visitation from an eccentric 53210 philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations 53211 is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ... 53212% 53213Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing. 53214 -- Walt Kelly 53215% 53216Twenty two thousand days. 53217Twenty two thousand days. 53218It's not a lot. 53219It's all you've got. 53220Twenty two thousand days. 53221 -- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days" 53222% 53223Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers 53224in heavy weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battleship and 53225was on watch on the bridge as night fell. The visibility was poor with patchy 53226fog, so the Captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities. 53227 Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported, 53228"Light, bearing on the starboard bow." 53229 "Is it steady or moving astern?" the Captain called out. 53230 Lookout replied, "Steady, Captain," which meant we were on a dangerous 53231collision course with that ship. 53232 The Captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on 53233a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees." 53234 Back came a signal "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees." 53235 In reply, the Captain said, "Send: I'm a Captain, change course 20 53236degrees!" 53237 "I'm a seaman second class," came the reply, "You had better change 53238course 20 degrees." 53239 By that time, the Captain was furious. He spit out, "Send: I'm a 53240battleship, change course 20 degrees." 53241 Back came the flashing light: "I'm a lighthouse!" 53242 We changed course. 53243 -- The Naval Institute's "Proceedings" 53244% 53245Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. 53246 -- Howard Kandel 53247% 53248Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage. 53249% 53250Two Finns and a penguin are sitting on the front porch of a large house. The 53251penguin is dripping in sweat; his owner looks down and says to the other Finn, 53252"Hey Urho, I want that you should take the penguin to the zoo, okay?" The 53253owner then runs off to the sauna. When he gets out of the sauna, he looks 53254up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating 53255away. So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to 53256the zoo, I did." And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to 53257the movies!" 53258% 53259Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his 53260barstool and lay motionless on the floor. 53261 "One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure 53262knows when to stop." 53263% 53264Two heads are better than one. 53265 -- John Heywood 53266% 53267Two heads are more numerous than one. 53268% 53269Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was 53270performing her normal housekeeping routines. She was interrupted by 53271British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General 53272Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in 53273her home. Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided 53274a nearby apple in two and deftly stored the list in its center. Upon 53275entering, the British blatantly violated every conceivable convention, 53276and, though they went through the house virtually bit by bit, their 53277search was fruitless. They had to return empty handed. Word of the 53278incident propagated rapidly through the region. This historic event 53279became the first documented use of core storage for the saving of registers. 53280% 53281Two is company, three is an orgy. 53282% 53283Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two. 53284% 53285Two men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a 53286canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can 53287call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the 53288end of the canyon. Someone's bound to hear us by then!" 53289 So he leans over the basket and screams out, "Helllloooooo! Where 53290are we?" (They hear the echo several times). 53291 Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! 53292You're lost!" 53293 The shouter comments, "That must have been a mathematician." 53294 Puzzled, his friend asks, "Why do you say that?" 53295 "For three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer, second, 53296he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless." 53297% 53298Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man 53299said, "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The 53300second man said, "He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his 53301chambers, and spent an hour trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded 53302only in falling over and bruising his forehead. Returning to the 53303courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine the man whose ear was bitten. 53304If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself and the case is 53305dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man did it and 53306must pay three silver pieces." 53307% 53308Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars. 53309% 53310Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things, 53311with all due respect for their breakfast. "I wonder why it is that 53312toast always falls on the buttered side," said one. 53313 "Tell me," replied his friend, "why you say such a thing. Look 53314at this." And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the 53315dry side. 53316 "So, what have you to say for your theory now?" 53317 "What am I to say? You obviously buttered the wrong side." 53318% 53319Two peanuts were walking through the New York. One was assaulted. 53320% 53321Two percent of zero is almost nothing. 53322% 53323Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane. 53324% 53325Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square. One of them says, "By 53326the way, did you hear that Romanov died?" 53327 "No," replied the other, "I didn't even know he'd been arrested!" 53328% 53329Two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory. 53330I forget the second. 53331% 53332Two Swedish guys get of a ship and head for the nearest bars. Each one 53333orders two vodkas and immediately downs them. They they order two more 53334and once again quickly throw them back. They then order two more. When 53335they arrive, one of them picks up his glass, and, turning to the other, 53336toasts him, "Skoal!" 53337 The other turns to the first man and scolds, "Hey! Did you come 53338here to screw around, or did you come here to drink?" 53339% 53340Two wrongs are only the beginning. 53341 -- Kohn 53342% 53343Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse. 53344 -- Thomas Szasz 53345% 53346Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do. 53347% 53348Tyger, Tyger, burning bright Where the hammer? Where the chain? 53349In the forests of the night, In what furnace was thy brain? 53350What immortal hand or eye What the anvil? What dread grasp 53351Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? Dare its deadly terrors clasp? 53352 53353Burnt in distant deeps or skies When the stars threw down their spears 53354The cruel fire of thine eyes? And water'd heaven with their tears 53355On what wings dare he aspire? Dare he laugh his work to see? 53356What the hand dare seize the fire? Dare he who made the lamb make thee? 53357 53358And what shoulder & what art Tyger, Tyger, burning bright 53359Could twist the sinews of they heart? In the forests of the night, 53360And when thy heart began to beat What immortal hand or eye 53361What dread hand & what dread feet Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? 53362 53363Could fetch it from the furnace deep 53364And in thy horrid ribs dare steep 53365In the well of sanguine woe? 53366In what clay & in what mould 53367Were thy eyes of fury roll'd? 53368 -- William Blake, "The Tyger" 53369% 53370Type louder, please. 53371% 53372U: There's a U -- a Unicorn! 53373 Run right up and rub its horn. 53374 Look at all those points you're losing! 53375 UMBER HULKS are so confusing. 53376 -- The Roguelet's ABC 53377% 53378Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex. 53379(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.) 53380 -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971) 53381% 53382Udall's Fourth Law: 53383 Any change or reform you make 53384 is going to have consequences you don't like. 53385% 53386UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist. 53387% 53388Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag. Let me, then, 53389straightforwardly state the thesis I shall now elaborate: 53390Making variations on a theme is really the crux of creativity. 53391 -- Douglas R. Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas" 53392% 53393Ummm, well, OK. The network's the network, the computer's the computer. 53394Sorry for the confusion. 53395 -- Sun Microsystems 53396% 53397Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the 53398woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles at some 53399leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts 53400coughing and drops dead. 53401 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 53402% 53403Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: 53404 Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a 53405hammer or get a splinter in it. 53406% 53407Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a 53408just man is also in prison. 53409 -- Henry David Thoreau 53410% 53411Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some 53412ordinance under which you can be booked. 53413 -- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp. 53414% 53415Under deadline pressure for the next week. 53416If you want something, it can wait. 53417Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic... 53418% 53419Under every stone lurks a politician. 53420 -- Aristophanes 53421% 53422Under the wide and heavy VAX 53423Dig my grave and let me relax 53424Long have I lived, and many my hacks 53425And I lay me down with a will. 53426These be the words that tell the way: 53427"Here he lies who piped 64K, 53428Brought down the machine for nearly a day, 53429And Rogue playing to an awful standstill." 53430% 53431Under the wide and starry sky, 53432Dig my grave and let me lie, 53433Glad did I live and gladly die, 53434And laid me down with a will, 53435And this be the verse that you grave for me, 53436Here he lies where he longed to be, 53437Home is the sailor home from the sea, 53438And the hunter home from the hill. 53439 -- R. Kipling 53440% 53441Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: 53442 Superiority is recessive. 53443% 53444Understand, v.: 53445 To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which 53446 you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the 53447 basis of your own internal model instead. 53448% 53449Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem 53450in relation to a bigger problem. 53451 -- P. D. Ouspensky 53452% 53453Unfair animal names: 53454 53455-- tsetse fly -- bullhead 53456-- booby -- duck-billed platypus 53457-- sapsucker -- Clarence 53458 -- Gary Larson 53459% 53460UNFAIR COMPETITION: 53461 Selling cheaper than we do. 53462% 53463Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys. I have many 53464friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to 53465throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him, 53466slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound. 53467 -- Jon Bentley 53468% 53469Unhappy the land that needs heroes. 53470 -- Bertolt Brecht 53471% 53472UNION: 53473 A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management. 53474% 53475United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the 53476Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of 53477all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of 53478all the patriots of every persuasion. 53479 53480Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the 53481world. 53482 -- Isaac Asimov 53483% 53484Universe, n.: 53485 The problem. 53486% 53487Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little 53488in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates. 53489% 53490University, n.: 53491 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's 53492 usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell 53493 you how to fix it, and... 53494 53495 [Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying 53496 the credibility of the entire fortune program. Ed.] 53497% 53498University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small. 53499 -- Henry Kissinger 53500% 53501UNIX enhancements aren't. 53502% 53503Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple 53504of more feet, just to be sure. 53505 -- Eric Allman 53506 53507... We make rope. 53508 -- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystems' new virtual memory 53509% 53510Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix 53511hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week -- 53512but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game. 53513People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the 53514world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers. 53515 -- E. Post 53516 "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", Datamation, 7/83 53517% 53518Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories. 53519 -- Donn Seeley 53520% 53521UNIX is hot. It's more than hot. It's steaming. It's quicksilver 53522lightning with a laserbeam kicker. 53523 -- Michael Jay Tucker 53524% 53525UNIX is many things to many people, 53526but it's never been everything to anybody. 53527% 53528Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others. 53529 -- Berry Kercheval 53530% 53531Unix, n.: 53532 A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and 53533 impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off 53534 with the workstation harem. 53535% 53536unix soit qui mal y pense 53537% 53538UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on 53539Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch). 53540 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum 53541% 53542UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that 53543would also stop you from doing clever things. 53544 -- Doug Gwyn 53545% 53546Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1... 53547% 53548Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime 53549between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white 53550and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40. 53551 -- Windsor-Heights Herald "Police Blotter", Jan 28, 1987 53552% 53553Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues 53554of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself 53555a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst 53556be so superfluous to demand the time of the day. I wasted time and now doth 53557time waste me. 53558 -- William Shakespeare 53559% 53560Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense. 53561 -- E. E. Cummings 53562% 53563Unnamed Law: 53564 If it happens, it must be possible. 53565% 53566Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking, 53567unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book. 53568 -- Edward Gibbon 53569% 53570Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out 53571twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. 53572 -- H. L. Mencken 53573% 53574Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world. 53575 -- Richard Armour 53576% 53577UNTOLD WEALTH: 53578 What you left out on April 15th. 53579% 53580Up against the net, redneck mother, 53581Mother who has raised your son so well; 53582He's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh, 53583Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell... 53584% 53585Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir 53586% 53587Use a pun, go to jail. 53588% 53589Use an accordion. Go to jail. 53590 -- KFOG, San Francisco 53591% 53592Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent 53593if no birds sang there except those that sang best. 53594 -- Henry Van Dyke 53595% 53596USENET would be a better laboratory is there were 53597more labor and less oratory. 53598 -- Elizabeth Haley 53599% 53600User hostile. 53601% 53602User, n.: 53603 A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. 53604% 53605User, n.: 53606 The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." 53607 -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top" 53608 53609[I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used 53610 when they meant "idiot." Ed.] 53611% 53612Using encryption on the Internet is the equivalent of arranging 53613an armoured car to deliver credit card information from someone 53614living in a cardboard box to someone living on a park bench. 53615 -- Gene Spafford, Purdue University 53616% 53617Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach. 53618 -- S. C. Johnson 53619% 53620Using [Windows] for any sort of serious work is like playing an old 53621text-based adventure game. You're five feet from making it to your 53622goal, when bup-POW! a ten ton rock falls on your head. Because you 53623didn't disarm the trap three hours before. [...] 53624 53625I always hated those adventure games. 53626 -- David Gerard 53627% 53628Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef. 53629 -- Tom Robbins 53630% 53631/usr/news/gotcha 53632% 53633Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war. 53634 -- Mel Brooks, "The Listener" 53635% 53636Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, 53637opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none. 53638 -- Doug Larson 53639% 53640VACATION: 53641 A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that 53642 it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday 53643 life-style to recuperate. 53644% 53645Vail's Second Axiom: 53646 The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the 53647 amount of work already completed. 53648% 53649Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ... 53650Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ... 53651 -- Tom Chapin 53652% 53653Van Roy's Law: 53654 An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 53655% 53656Van Roy's Law: 53657 Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition. 53658 53659Van Roy's Truism: 53660 Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control. 53661% 53662Vanilla, adj.: 53663 Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food, 53664very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla 53665extract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply 53666"vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot 53667and sour won ton soup. 53668% 53669Variables don't; constants aren't. 53670% 53671Vax Vobiscum 53672% 53673Vegetables are what food eats. 53674Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good. 53675Fish are fast moving vegetables. 53676Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them. 53677 -- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams 53678% 53679Vegetarians beware! You are what you eat. 53680% 53681Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: 53682 1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once. 53683 2. If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points. 53684% 53685Veni, Vidi, VISA: 53686 I came, I saw, I did a little shopping. 53687% 53688Verba volant, scripta manent! 53689% 53690Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic. 53691 -- E. F. Benson 53692% 53693Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The 53694reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of 53695thirty-five. 53696 -- Joel Hildebrand 53697% 53698Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters. 53699% 53700Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an 53701infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one 53702could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow 53703somewhere. A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew 53704ratchet screwdrivers as fruit. The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is 53705quite interesting. Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can 53706lie undisturbed for years. Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its 53707outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable 53708little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole 53709for a screw. This, when found, will get thrown away. No one knows what the 53710screwdriver is supposed to gain from this. Nature, in her infinite wisdom, 53711is presumably working on it. 53712% 53713Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen 53714at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects. 53715 -- Herodotus 53716% 53717Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars. 53718% 53719VI: 53720 A hungry dog hunts best. 53721 A hungrier dog hunts even better. 53722VII: 53723 Decreased business base increases overhead. 53724 So does increased business base. 53725VIII: 53726 The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator 53727 is fifth grade arithmetic. 53728IX: 53729 Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent 53730 possible to make trivial ideas profound. Q.E.D. 53731X: 53732 Bulls do not win bull fights; people do. 53733 People do not win people fights; lawyers do. 53734 -- Norman Augustine 53735% 53736Victory uber allies! 53737% 53738Viking, n.: 53739 1. Daring Scandinavian seafarers, explorers, adventurers, 53740 entrepreneurs world-famous for their aggressive, nautical import 53741 business, highly leveraged takeovers and blue eyes. 53742 2. Bloodthirsty sea pirates who ravaged northern Europe beginning 53743 in the 9th century. 53744 53745Hagar's note: The first definition is much preferred; the second is used 53746only by malcontents, the envious, and disgruntled owners of waterfront 53747property. 53748% 53749Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life." 53750Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes 53751 waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it." 53752% 53753Vini, vidi, vici. 53754[I came, I saw, I conquered]. 53755 -- Gaius Julius Caesar 53756% 53757"Violence accomplishes nothing." What a contemptible lie! Raw, naked 53758violence has settled more issues throughout history than any other method 53759ever employed. Perhaps the city fathers of Carthage could debate the 53760issue, with Hitler and Alexander as judges? 53761% 53762Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade. 53763% 53764Violence is molding. 53765% 53766Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. 53767 -- Salvor Hardin 53768% 53769Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then 53770there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a 53771frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we 53772weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as 53773impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but 53774shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed. 53775 -- Tom Robbins 53776% 53777VIRGINIA: 53778 A group of beautifully mounted hunters galloping behind 53779 baying hounds in pursuit of a union organizer. 53780% 53781Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the 53782yard. 53783% 53784VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) 53785 Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to 53786 ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this 53787 morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you 53788 wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of 53789 that old underwear you own. 53790% 53791VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) 53792 You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is 53793 sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and 53794 sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus 53795 drivers. 53796% 53797"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from. 53798% 53799Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice -- 53800only the willingness to make it when necessary. 53801 -- Frederick Dunn 53802% 53803Virtue is its own punishment. 53804 -- Denniston 53805% 53806Virtue is not left to stand alone. 53807He who practices it will have neighbors. 53808 -- Confucius 53809% 53810Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company. 53811 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld 53812% 53813Visit beautiful Vergas Minnesota. 53814% 53815Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells. 53816% 53817Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure. 53818 -- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres" 53819% 53820Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving 53821from where you left them to where you can't find them. 53822% 53823Vitamin C deficiency is apauling. 53824% 53825VMS is like a nightmare about RSX-11M. 53826% 53827VMS, n.: 53828 The world's foremost multi-user adventure game. 53829% 53830VMS version 2.0 ==> 53831% 53832Voiceless it cries, 53833Wingless flutters, 53834Toothless bites, 53835Mouthless mutters. 53836What am I? 53837% 53838VOLCANO: 53839 A mountain with hiccups. 53840% 53841Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grim 53842And earthquakes only terrify the dolts, 53843And to him who's scientific 53844There is nothing that's terrific 53845In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts! 53846 -- W. S. Gilbert, "The Mikado" 53847% 53848Volley Theory: 53849 It is better to have lobbed and lost 53850 than never to have lobbed at all. 53851% 53852Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Von Neumann 53853supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on 53854the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked 53855how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful 53856information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von 53857Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.". 53858% 53859Vote anarchist. 53860% 53861Vote early and vote often. 53862 -- Al Capone's slogan for Big Bill Thompson's anti-reform 53863 campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926. Big Bill won. 53864% 53865Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and 53866TAX-DEFERRED! 53867% 53868VUJA DE: 53869 The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before. 53870% 53871VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES? 53872% 53873Wagner's music is better than it sounds. 53874 -- Mark Twain 53875% 53876Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time. 53877 -- Pericles 53878% 53879Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" 538801st customer: "I'll have tea." 538812nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!" 53882 (Waiter exits, returns) 53883Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?" 53884% 53885Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call, 53886Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all. 53887Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin, 53888Help bring back her dignity, restore her faith again. 53889 53890Work hard for a common cause, don't let our country fall. 53891Make her proud and strong again, democracy for all. 53892Yes, make our country strong again, keep our flag unfurled. 53893Make our country well again, respected by the world. 53894 53895Make her whole and beautiful, work from sun to sun. 53896Stand tall and labor side by side, because there's so much to be done. 53897Yes, make her whole and beautiful, united strong and free, 53898Wake up, all you citizens, It's up to you and me. 53899 -- Pansy Myers Schroeder 53900% 53901Wake up and smell the coffee. 53902 -- Ann Landers 53903% 53904Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered 53905a capital crime. For a first offense, that is. 53906% 53907Walk softly and carry a big stick. 53908 -- Theodore Roosevelt 53909% 53910Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser. 53911% 53912Walking on water wasn't built in a day. 53913 -- Jack Kerouac 53914% 53915Wall Street indices predicted nine out of the last five recessions 53916 -- Paul A. Samuelson, Nobel laureate in economics 53917 (Newsweek, Science and Stocks, 19 Sep. 1966.) 53918% 53919Walt: Dad, what's gradual school? 53920Garp: Gradual school? 53921Walt: Yeah. Mom says her work's more fun now that she's teaching 53922 gradual school. 53923Garp: Oh. Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually 53924 find out that you don't want to go to school anymore. 53925 -- The World According To Garp 53926% 53927Walters' Rule: 53928 All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from 53929 the center of the terminal. Nobody ever had a reservation 53930 on a plane that left Gate 1. 53931% 53932Wanna buy a duck? 53933% 53934Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed, 53935A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed. 53936But then one day he was shootin' at some food, 53937When up through the ground come a bubblin' crude -- oil, that is; 53938 black gold; "Texas tea" ... 53939 53940Well the next thing ya know, old Jed's a millionaire. 53941The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there!" 53942They said, "Californy is the place ya oughta be", 53943So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is; 53944 swimmin' pools; movie stars. 53945% 53946War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left. 53947% 53948War hath no fury like a non-combatant. 53949 -- Charles Edward Montague 53950% 53951War is an equal opportunity destroyer. 53952% 53953War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it. 53954 -- Desiderius Erasmus 53955% 53956War is like love, it always finds a way. 53957 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Mother Courage" 53958% 53959War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military. 53960 -- Clemenceau 53961% 53962War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable. 53963% 53964War spares not the brave, but the cowardly. 53965 -- Anacreon 53966% 53967WARNING: 53968 Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your 53969mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on 53970your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war. 53971% 53972WARNING! 53973 This system is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need! 53974A special circuit in the computer called a "critical detector" senses the 53975user's emotional state in terms of how desperate they are to get their program 53976to run. The "critical detector" then creates a bug in the program proportional 53977to the desperation of the user. Threatening the terminal with violence only 53978aggravates the situation, causing the program to immediately crash or the 53979entire system to go down. Likewise, attempts to use another terminal may cause 53980it to core dump. (They all belong to the same LAN.) Keep cool and say nice 53981things to the terminal. 53982% 53983Warning: Do not look directly into laser with remaining eye. 53984% 53985Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for 53986those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking 53987up. 53988 -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83 53989% 53990Warning: Trespassers will be shot. 53991Survivors will be shot again. 53992% 53993WARNING!!! 53994This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need. 53995 53996A special circuit in the machine called "critical detector" senses the 53997operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is to use the 53998machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional 53999to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence 54000only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine 54001may cause it to malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool 54002and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work. 54003 54004See also: flog(1), tm(1) 54005% 54006Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with. 54007% 54008Was there a time when dancers with their fiddles 54009In children's circuses could stay their troubles? 54010There was a time they could cry over books, 54011But time has set its maggot on their track. 54012Under the arc of the sky they are unsafe. 54013What's never known is safest in this life. 54014Under the skysigns they who have no arms 54015Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost 54016Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best. 54017 -- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time" 54018% 54019Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality. 54020% 54021Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. 54022 -- John F. Kennedy 54023% 54024[Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for 54025the people -- the big, the bland and the banal. 54026 -- Ada Louise Huxtable 54027% 54028Washington, D.C: Wasting your money since 1810. 54029% 54030Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer 54031knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing? 54032% 54033Waste not fresh tears over old griefs. 54034 -- Euripides 54035% 54036Waste not, get your budget cut next year. 54037% 54038Wasting time is an important part of living. 54039% 54040Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal. 54041% 54042Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home. 54043 -- Han Solo 54044% 54045Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody. 54046 -- Mark Twain 54047% 54048Watership Down: 54049You've read the book. You've seen the movie. Now eat the stew! 54050% 54051Watson's Law: 54052 The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the 54053 number and significance of any persons watching it. 54054% 54055WE: 54056 The single most important word in the world. 54057% 54058We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on 54059when it's necessary to compromise. 54060 -- Larry Wall 54061% 54062We all declare for liberty, but in using the 54063same word we do not all mean the same thing. 54064 -- Abraham Lincoln 54065% 54066We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling. 54067% 54068We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny. 54069% 54070We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways. 54071% 54072We all live in a state of ambitious poverty. 54073 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis 54074% 54075We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon. 54076 -- Dr. Konrad Adenauer 54077% 54078We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which 54079divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being 54080correct. My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough. 54081 -- Niels Bohr 54082% 54083We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized 54084before we are fit to participate in society. 54085 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly 54086 Correct Behaviour" 54087% 54088We are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others. 54089% 54090We are all born mad. Some remain so. 54091 -- Samuel Beckett 54092% 54093We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time. 54094% 54095We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. 54096 -- Oscar Wilde 54097% 54098We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness. 54099 -- Albert Schweitzer 54100% 54101We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm. 54102 -- Winston Churchill 54103% 54104We are anthill men upon an anthill world. 54105 -- Ray Bradbury 54106% 54107We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. 54108 -- Whole Earth Catalog 54109% 54110We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. 54111 -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo" 54112% 54113We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge. 54114 -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends" 54115% 54116We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his 54117own facts. 54118 -- Patrick Moynihan 54119% 54120We are each only one drop in a great 54121ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle! 54122% 54123We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal. 54124% 54125We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese 54126dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies. 54127 -- J. Hoover 54128% 54129We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to 54130socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The bad 54131thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism? 54132 -- Fidel Castro 54133% 54134We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it. 54135 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 54136% 54137We are Microsoft. Unix is irrelevant. 54138Openness is futile. Prepare to be assimilated. 54139% 54140We are not a clone. 54141% 54142We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one. 54143 -- John Fisher 54144% 54145We are not alone. 54146% 54147We are not loved by our friends for what we are; 54148rather, we are loved in spite of what we are. 54149 -- Victor Hugo 54150% 54151We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last 54152theorem. 54153 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 54154% 54155We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to 54156develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers 54157Manual. 54158 -- Andrew Hume 54159% 54160We are simple killers of people and destroyers of property. 54161% 54162We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same. 54163 -- Jonathan Swift 54164% 54165We are sorry. We cannot complete your call as dialed. Please check 54166the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance. 54167 54168This is a recording. 54169% 54170We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and 54171share a spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft 54172our immortality and interweave our destinies of water and air, 54173leaving shadows that gather color of their own, until they outshine 54174the substance that cast them. 54175% 54176We are the people our parents warned us about. 54177% 54178We are the unwilling... led by the unqualified... 54179to do the unnecessary... for the ungrateful... 54180 -- GI in Vietnam, 1970 54181% 54182We are unavoidably drawn towards conservatism and death. 54183The order is not insignificant. 54184 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 54185% 54186We are what we are. 54187% 54188We are what we pretend to be. 54189 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 54190% 54191We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved. 54192% 54193We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it. 54194 -- Yates 54195% 54196We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the 54197technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM. 54198 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 54199% 54200We cannot command nature except by obeying her. 54201 -- Sir Francis Bacon 54202% 54203We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once. 54204 -- Calvin Coolidge 54205% 54206We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is 54207deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead. 54208 -- James E. Day, Postmaster General 54209% 54210We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure. 54211 -- Richard M. Nixon 54212% 54213We could nuke Baghdad into glass, wipe it with Windex, tie fatback on our 54214feet and go skating. 54215 -- Fred Reed, Air Force Times columnist 54216% 54217We dedicate this book to our fellow citizens who, for love of truth, 54218take from their own wants by taxes and gifts, and now and then send 54219forth one of themselves as dedicated servant, to forward the search 54220into the mysteries and marvelous simplicities of this strange and 54221beautiful Universe, Our home. 54222 -- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler 54223% 54224We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty! 54225 -- Vroomfondel 54226% 54227We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack. 54228 -- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach 54229% 54230We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company. 54231% 54232We don't care how they do it in New York. 54233% 54234We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand. 54235 -- James Watt, noted theologian 54236% 54237We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything. 54238% 54239We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a fish. 54240% 54241We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure 54242that it wasn't a fish. 54243 -- Marshall McLuhan 54244% 54245We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out. 54246 -- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962 54247% 54248We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control. 54249 -- Pink Floyd 54250% 54251We don't need no indirection We don't need no compilation 54252We don't need no flow control We don't need no load control 54253No data typing or declarations No link edit for external bindings 54254Hey! did you leave the lists alone? Hey! did you leave that source alone? 54255Chorus: (Chorus) 54256 Oh No. It's just a pure LISP function call. 54257 54258We don't need no side-effecting We don't need no allocation 54259We don't need no flow control We don't need no special-nodes 54260No global variables for execution No dark bit-flipping for debugging 54261Hey! did you leave the args alone? Hey! did you leave those bits alone? 54262(Chorus) (Chorus) 54263 -- "Another Glitch in the Call", a la Pink Floyd 54264% 54265We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers. 54266% 54267We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do. 54268 -- Walter Summers 54269% 54270We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't 54271understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights! 54272% 54273We found on St. Paul's only two kinds of birds -- the booby and the noddy... 54274Both are of a tame and stupid disposition, and are so unaccustomed to 54275visitors, that I could have killed any number of them with my geological 54276hammer. 54277 -- Charles Darwin 54278% 54279We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids? 54280 -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission 54281% 54282We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it. 54283 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld 54284% 54285We gotta get out of this place, 54286If it's the last thing we ever do. 54287 -- The Animals 54288% 54289We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an 54290hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down 54291mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on 54292our grave singing Hallelujah ... 54293 -- Monty Python 54294% 54295We have an equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated. 54296% 54297We have art that we do not die of the truth. 54298 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 54299% 54300We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM! 54301% 54302We have gone on piling weapon upon weapon, missile upon missile, new 54303levels of destructiveness upon old ones. We have done this helplessly, 54304almost involuntarily: like the victims of some sort of hypnotism, like 54305men in a dream, like lemmings heading for the sea, like the children of 54306Hamelin marching blindly along behind their Pied Piper. And the result 54307is that today we have achieved, we and the Russians together, in the 54308creation of these devices and their means of delivery, levels of 54309redundancy of such grotesque dimensions as to defy rational understanding. 54310 -- George Kennan, May 19, 1981 54311% 54312We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean. 54313 -- Carl Sagan 54314% 54315We have met the enemy, and he is us. 54316 -- Walt Kelly 54317% 54318We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent 54319than from the machinations of the wicked. 54320% 54321We have no scorched earth policy. 54322We have a policy of scorched Communists. 54323 -- General Efrain Rios Montt, President of Guatemala, 1982 54324% 54325We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it from 54326our children. 54327% 54328We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have. 54329 -- Margaret Mead 54330% 54331We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get 54332back to normal, and that they already have. 54333% 54334We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place. 54335 -- John Berryman 54336% 54337We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his 54338hands for masturbation. 54339 -- Lily Tomlin 54340% 54341We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out. 54342% 54343We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an 54344official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death 54345Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish 54346you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that 54347said "ELECTROCUTION". 54348 54349Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your 54350teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing 54351process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a 54352couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways 54353out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste 54354stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom 54355floor, which is how the police would find you. 54356 54357You know the kind of flu I'm talking about. 54358 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" 54359% 54360We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement... 54361% 54362We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog, 54363star of "The Muppet Show." [3] 54364 54365[3] Why? Mostly because there was a Muppets calendar on the wall when we 54366were trying to think of a name, and Kermit is a pleasant, unassuming sort of 54367character. But since we weren't sure whether it was OK to name our protocol 54368after this popular television and movie star, we pretended that KERMIT was an 54369acronym; unfortunately, we could never find a good set of words to go with the 54370letters, as readers of some of our early source code can attest. Later, while 54371looking through a name book for his forthcoming baby, Bill Catchings noticed 54372that "Kermit" was a Celtic word for "free", which is what all Kermit programs 54373should be, and words to this effect replaced the strained acronyms in our 54374source code (Bill's baby turned out to be a girl, so he had to name her Becky 54375instead). When BYTE Magazine was preparing our 1984 Kermit article for 54376publication, they suggested we contact Henson Associates Inc. for permission 54377to say that we did indeed name the protocol after Kermit the Frog. Permission 54378was kindly granted, and now the real story can be told. I resisted the 54379temptation, however, to call the present work "Kermit the Book." 54380 -- Frank da Cruz, "Kermit - A File Transfer Protocol" 54381% 54382We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary 54383to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know. 54384Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition 54385to crave knowledge. 54386 -- George Will 54387% 54388We laugh at the Indian philosopher, who to account for the support 54389of the earth, contrived the hypothesis of a huge elephant, and to support 54390the elephant, a huge tortoise. If we will candidly confess the truth, we 54391know as little of the operation of the nerves, as he did of the manner in 54392which the earth is supported: and our hypothesis about animal spirits, or 54393about the tension and vibrations of the nerves, are as like to be true, as 54394his about the support of the earth. His elephant was a hypothesis, and our 54395hypotheses are elephants. Every theory in philosophy, which is built on 54396pure conjecture, is an elephant; and every theory that is supported partly 54397by fact, and partly by conjecture, is like Nebuchadnezzar's image, whose 54398feet were partly of iron, and partly of clay. 54399 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764 54400% 54401We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves. 54402 -- Eric Hoffer 54403% 54404We love our little Johnny 54405He's the best little boy in all the world 54406And we wouldn't trade him for anything 54407That's how much we love him. 54408No, we couldn't live without him 54409So that's why, since he died, 54410We keep him safe in our G.E. freezer. 54411He's so good, so well-behaved, 54412Even better than before; 54413Oh, such a wonderful kid he is. 54414Alice and me, we'll never be lonely, 54415Never miss our little Johnny, 54416He'll never grow up and leave us 54417That's why we love him like we do. 54418 -- Mr. Mincemeat 54419% 54420"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call 54421free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens 54422show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do 54423our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself." 54424 -- Cameron Hawley 54425% 54426We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue 54427than malnutrition. 54428 -- Alex Comfort 54429% 54430We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all 54431purely intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start 54432with? Many people think that a very abstract activity, like the 54433playing of chess, would be best. It can also be maintained that it is 54434best to provide the machine with the best sense organs that money can 54435buy, and then teach it to understand and speak English. 54436 -- Alan M. Turing 54437% 54438We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern 54439their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of 54440their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prophet, nor 54441Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual concerns, to say 54442nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get Christians to agree among 54443themselves about their relationship to God. But all will agree on a 54444proposition that they possess profound spiritual resources. If, in addition, 54445we can get them to accept the further proposition that whatever form the 54446Deity may have in their own theology, the Deity is not only external, but 54447internal and acts through them, and they themselves give proof or disproof 54448of the Deity in what they do and think; if this further proposition can be 54449accepted, then we come that much closer to a truly religious situation on 54450earth. 54451 -- Norman Cousins, from his book "Human Options" 54452% 54453We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor. Bankers are not ever 54454popular but at least they bank. Policeman police and undertakers take 54455under. But lawyers do not give us law. We receive not the gladsome light 54456of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays, 54457filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour. 54458 -- Nolo News, summer 1989 54459% 54460We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always 54461respect their good judgment. 54462% 54463...we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection 54464by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations. 54465I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized 54466brains -- and I am equally confident that our brains became large as 54467an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting 54468functions). But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often 54469uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities 54470of the brain must arise as direct products of natural selection. 54471 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" 54472% 54473We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn 54474of a beautiful new world. We will see it when we believe it. 54475 -- Saul Alinsky 54476% 54477We must die because we have known them. 54478 -- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C. 54479% 54480We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess. We must 54481condemn once and for all the formula "chess for the sake of chess," like 54482the formula "art for art's sake." We must organize shock-brigades of 54483chess-players, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan 54484for chess. 54485 -- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice 54486 (of RFSFR, later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress 54487 of Chess Players, as quoted in Boris Souvarine's 54488 "Stalin," published London, 1939 54489% 54490...we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not 54491we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up 54492in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of 54493the past. 54494 -- Joseph Wood Krutch 54495% 54496We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of 54497the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front 54498is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace. 54499 -- Walter Lippmann 54500% 54501We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass 54502no matter how self-seeking. 54503 -- F. G. Withington 54504% 54505We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to 54506the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his 54507children smart. 54508 -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report" 54509% 54510We only acknowledge small faults in order 54511to make it appear that we are free from great ones. 54512 -- Francois de La Rochefoucauld 54513% 54514We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago 54515people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult. 54516For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had 54517to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare 54518fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with 54519primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how 54520ugly paneling is to begin with. 54521 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 54522% 54523We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the 54524originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has 54525forgotten its source. 54526 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play" 54527% 54528We prefer to speak evil of ourselves 54529rather than not speak of ourselves at all. 54530% 54531We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears. 54532% 54533We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who, 54534content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest. 54535 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 54536% 54537We read to say that we have read. 54538% 54539We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best 54540friends are trying to kill us. 54541% 54542We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them. 54543 -- Thucydides 54544% 54545We seem to have forgotten the simple truth that reason is never perfect. 54546Only non-sense attains perfection. 54547 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 54548% 54549We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much. 54550 -- Jean de la Bruyere 54551% 54552We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is 54553in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot 54554stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that 54555is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more. 54556 -- Mark Twain 54557% 54558We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had been 54559born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken 54560out and shot. 54561 -- Strange de Jim 54562% 54563We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were 54564taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things 54565themselves. 54566 -- John Locke 54567% 54568We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents. 54569Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate. 54570 -- Dennis Miller 54571% 54572We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square. 54573 -- S. I. Hayakawa 54574% 54575We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they 54576remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that 54577the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than 54578the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule, 54579states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals. 54580These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who 54581want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that 54582they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and 54583who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country. 54584 -- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner 54585% 54586We the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible. 54587We've done so much, for so long, with so little, 54588that we are now qualified to do something with nothing. 54589% 54590We the Users, in order to form a more perfect system, establish priorities, 54591ensure connective tranquility, provide for common repairs, promote 54592preventive maintenance, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves 54593and our processes, do ordain and establish this Software of The Unixed States 54594of America. 54595% 54596We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet 54597size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In 54598fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here 54599are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads: 54600 54601EUPHEMISM REALITY 54602------------------- ------------------------- 54603Excited about life's journey No concept of reality 54604Spiritually evolved Oversensitive 54605Moody Manic-depressive 54606Soulful Quiet manic-depressive 54607Poet Boring manic-depressive 54608Sultry/Sensual Easy 54609Uninhibited Lacking basic social skills 54610Unaffected and earthy Slob and lacking basic social skills 54611Irreverent Nasty and lacking basic social skills 54612Very human Quasimodo's best friend 54613Swarthy Sweaty even when cold or standing still 54614Spontaneous/Eclectic Scatterbrained 54615Flexible Desperate 54616Aging child Self-centered adult 54617Youthful Over 40 and trying to deny it 54618Good sense of humor Watches a lot of television 54619% 54620We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet 54621size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In 54622fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here 54623are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads: 54624 54625EUPHEMISM REALITY 54626------------------- ------------------------- 54627Independent thinker Crazy 54628High spirited Crazy and hyperactive 54629Free spirited Crazy and irresponsible 54630Outrageous Crazy and obnoxious 54631Exotic Crazy with a pierced nose/nipple 54632Cuddly Overweight 54633Huggable/Zaftig/Rubenesque Fat (there's a lot to love) 54634Big and beautiful Really Fat 54635Fat 'n' sassy Really Fat and loud 54636Svelte/Slender Anorexic 54637Dynamic Pushy 54638Assertive Pushy with a mean streak 54639Feisty/Ambitious Would kill own mother for next corporate rung 54640Demanding Will make your life a living hell 54641Looking for Mr./Ms. Right Looking for Mr./Ms. Rich 54642% 54643We totally deny the allegations, and 54644we're trying to identify the allegators. 54645% 54646We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem. 54647There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your 54648borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce. 54649 -- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard 54650% 54651[We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things. 54652 -- R. W. Hamming 54653% 54654We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here 54655depends on a clever but highly unmotivated trick. 54656 -- Howard Anton, "Elementary Linear Algebra" 54657% 54658We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh. Josh 54659[Gibson] comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run 54660behind. Well, he hit one. The Grays waited around and waited around, 54661but finally the empire rules it ain't comin' down. So we win. The 54662next day, we was disputin' the Grays in Philadelphia when here come 54663a ball outta the sky right in the glove of the Grays' center fielder. 54664The empire made the only possible call. "You're out, boy!" he says 54665to Josh. "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh." 54666 -- Satchel Paige 54667% 54668We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we 54669were married for four and a half years. 54670 -- Nick Faldo 54671% 54672We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died. 54673% 54674We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog. 54675If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves. 54676 -- Crazy Jimmy 54677% 54678We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. But there was 54679also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle Haggard song at a 54680French restaurant. [...] 54681 I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of her milk 54682white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I had punched her 54683boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone told him, "You ride the 54684bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was lean and tough like a bad 54685rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he fought me. And when we finished 54686there were no winners, just men doing what men must do. [...] 54687 "Stop the car," the girl said. 54688 There was a look of terrible sadness in her eyes. She knew about the 54689woman of the tollway. I knew not how. I started to speak, but she raised an 54690arm and spoke with a quiet and peace I will never forget. 54691 "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the tollway 54692belle's for thee." 54693 The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was a lie. 54694Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I poured whiskey 54695onto my granola and faced a new day. 54696 -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway 54697 Competition 54698% 54699We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal 54700tend to brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous 54701extinction. 54702 -- S. J. Gould 54703% 54704We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one 54705technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter. 54706% 54707We will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love, 54708we will cry over things we used to laugh & 54709our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle 54710creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then & 54711in the end a summer with wild winds & 54712new friends will be. 54713% 54714We will not be responsible for damage to equipment, your ego, county wide 54715power outages, spontaneously generated mini (or larger) black holes, 54716planetary disruptions, or personal injury or worse that may result from the 54717use of this material. 54718 -- taken from Samuel M. Goldwasser's 54719 Sam's Strobe FAQ Notes on the Troubleshooting 54720 and Repair of Electronic Flash Units and Strobe Lights 54721% 54722We wish you a Hare Krishna 54723We wish you a Hare Krishna 54724We wish you a Hare Krishna 54725And a Sun Myung Moon! 54726 -- Maxwell Smart 54727% 54728WEAPON: 54729 An index of the lack of development of a culture. 54730% 54731Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise. 54732 -- John Heywood 54733% 54734Wedding, n.: 54735 A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one 54736 undertakes to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become 54737 supportable. 54738 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 54739% 54740Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs. 54741% 54742Weed's Axiom: 54743 Never ask two questions in a business letter. 54744 The reply will discuss the one in which you are 54745 least interested and say nothing about the other. 54746% 54747Weekend, where are you? 54748% 54749Weiler's Law: 54750 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. 54751% 54752Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get 54753rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought. He did so. "Well, kid, that 54754was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer 54755question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?" 54756 54757Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion. 54758 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting" 54759% 54760Weinberg's First Law: 54761 Progress is only made on alternate Fridays. 54762% 54763Weinberg's Principle: 54764 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping 54765 on to the grand fallacy. 54766% 54767Weinberg's Second Law: 54768 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, 54769 then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. 54770 -- Gerald Weinberg 54771% 54772Weiner's Law of Libraries: 54773 There are no answers, only cross references. 54774% 54775Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. 54776He'll come in handy if you run out of food. 54777 -- Dean McLaughlin 54778% 54779Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions? 54780 54781D G G O 54782 54783O Y A N 54784 54785A D B T 54786 54787K I S P 54788Enter words: 54789> 54790% 54791Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong, 54792The women are pretty, and the children are above-average. 54793 -- Garrison Keillor 54794% 54795Welcome to the Zoo! 54796% 54797Welcome to UNIX! Enjoy your session! Have a great time! Note the 54798use of exclamation points! They are a very effective method for 54799demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking 54800sentence! However, there are drawbacks! Too much unnecessary exclaiming 54801can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on 54802the reader! For example, the sentence 54803 54804 Jane went to the store to buy bread 54805 54806should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something 54807sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a 54808cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if 54809Jane doesn't exist for some reason! See how easy it is?! Proper control 54810of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life! Call now to receive 54811my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"! 54812Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling! Operators are 54813standing by! (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!) 54814% 54815Welcome to Utah. 54816If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear! 54817% 54818Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized 54819that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that 54820all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but 54821James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive 54822women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took 54823*thousands* of words to say it. 54824 Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic 54825Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father. 54826Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because 54827what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages. If all Russians talk 54828as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a 54829major world power. 54830 I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise 54831the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right 54832out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me." 54833 Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words: 54834 54835* "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize 54836 nature and will kill you. 54837* "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy. 54838 -- Dave Barry 54839% 54840We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday 54841night. Live, on the Death label. 54842 -- Swan, "Phantom of the Paradise" 54843% 54844Well begun is half done. 54845 -- Aristotle 54846% 54847"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is 54848no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five 54849hundred." 54850 -- The Mahabharata 54851% 54852We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later. 54853% 54854Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep? 54855% 54856Well, don't worry about it... It's nothing. 54857 -- Lieutenant Kermit Tyler (Duty Officer of Shafter Information 54858 Center, Hawaii), upon being informed that Private Joseph 54859 Lockard had picked up a radar signal of what appeared to be 54860 at least 50 planes soaring toward Oahu at almost 180 miles 54861 per hour, December 7, 1941. 54862% 54863Well, fancy giving money to the Government! 54864Might as well have put it down the drain. 54865Fancy giving money to the Government! 54866Nobody will see the stuff again. 54867Well, they've no idea what money's for -- 54868Ten to one they'll start another war. 54869I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'! 54870Fancy giving money to the Government! 54871 -- A. P. Herbert 54872% 54873We'll have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam meter. 54874% 54875Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government, 54876to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way. 54877 -- Laurie Anderson 54878% 54879Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a 54880lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a 54881governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the 54882reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top 54883contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination. These men 54884will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the 54885most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and 54886appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday 54887morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit 54888interested in. It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a 54889guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through 54890the entire show without answering a single question ... 54891 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" 54892% 54893Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five, 54894The headline screamed that I was still alive, 54895I couldn't understand it, I thought I died last night. 54896I dreamed I'd been in a border town, 54897In a little cantina that the boys had found, 54898I was desperate to dance, just to dig the local sounds. 54899When along came a senorita, 54900She looked so good that I had to meet her, 54901I was ready to approach her with my English charm, 54902When her brass knuckled boyfriend grabbed me by the arm, 54903And he said, grow some funk of your own, amigo, 54904Grow some funk of your own. 54905We no like to with the gringo fight, 54906But there might be a death in Mexico tonite. 54907... 54908Take my advice, take the next flight, 54909And grow some funk, grow your funk at home. 54910 -- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own" 54911% 54912Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them 54913back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds, 54914or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they 54915couldn't afford it, that would hold them off. 54916 -- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile 54917% 54918Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can* 54919you believe?! 54920 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward] 54921% 54922Well, I'm disenchanted too. We're all disenchanted. 54923 -- James Thurber 54924% 54925Well, it's hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn't have equal 54926rights. 54927 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 54928% 54929Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either. 54930% 54931We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it. 54932% 54933WE'LL LOOK INTO IT: 54934 By the time the wheels make a full turn, we 54935 assume you will have forgotten about it,too. 54936% 54937Well, my daddy left home when I was three, 54938And he didn't leave much for Ma and me, 54939Just and old guitar an'a empty bottle of booze. 54940Now I don't blame him 'cause he ran and hid, 54941But the meanest thing that he ever did, 54942Was before he left he went and named me Sue. 54943... 54944But I made me a vow to the moon and the stars, 54945I'd search the honkey tonks and the bars, 54946And kill the man that give me that awful name. 54947It was Gatlinburg in mid-July, 54948I'd just hit town and my throat was dry, 54949Thought I'd stop and have myself a brew, 54950At an old saloon on a street of mud, 54951Sitting at a table, dealing stud, 54952Sat that dirty (bleep) that named me Sue. 54953... 54954Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad, 54955From a worn out picture that my Mother had, 54956And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye... 54957 -- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue" 54958% 54959Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail, 54960And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail; 54961I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues, 54962I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 54963 54964If you think that it's nice that you get what you C, 54965Then go : illogical statement with your whole family, 54966'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views. 54967I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 54968 54969On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze, 54970But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze. 54971Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse, 54972I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 54973 -- Core Dumped Blues 54974% 54975Well, of course it worked. You made the ritual blood sacrifice. If you 54976bleed on a machine while working on it, it will work. Unless it 54977doesn't. In which case, you need someone else to bleed on it as well. 54978 -- Wayne Pascoe 54979% 54980We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu! 54981% 54982Well, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling, 54983And some take delight in the hurling and the bowling, 54984But I take delight in the juice of the barley, 54985And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early. 54986% 54987Well thaaaaaaat's okay. 54988% 54989Well, the handwriting is on the floor. 54990 -- Joe E. Lewis 54991% 54992We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, 54993we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. 54994 -- Dave Barry 54995% 54996Well, we'll really have a party, 54997but we've gotta post a guard outside. 54998 -- Eddie Cochran, "Come On Everybody" 54999% 55000"Well, well, well! Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in 55001poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil? Come 55002and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!" 55003 -- Alex in "Clockwork Orange" 55004% 55005Well, we're big rock singers, we've got golden fingers, 55006And we're loved everywhere we go. 55007We sing about beauty, and we sing about truth, 55008At ten thousand dollars a show. 55009We take all kind of pills to give us all kind of thrills, 55010But the thrill we've never known, 55011Is the thrill that'll get'cha, when you get your picture, 55012On the cover of the Rolling Stone. 55013 55014I got a freaky old lady, name of Cole King Katie, 55015Who embroiders on my jeans. 55016I got my poor old gray-haired daddy, 55017Drivin' my limousine. 55018Now it's all designed, to blow our minds, 55019But our minds won't be really be blown; 55020Like the blow that'll get'cha, when you get your picture, 55021On the cover of the Rolling Stone. 55022 55023We got a lot of little, teen-aged, blue-eyed groupies, 55024Who'll do anything we say. 55025We got a genuine Indian guru, that's teachin' us a better way. 55026We got all the friends that money can buy, 55027So we never have to be alone. 55028And we keep gettin' richer, but we can't get our picture, 55029On the cover of the Rolling Stone. 55030 -- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show 55031 [They eventually DID make the cover of RS. Ed.] 55032% 55033Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's some 55034higher meaning to all this. It would certainly reflect well on you. 55035% 55036WELL-ADJUSTED: 55037 The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games. 55038% 55039We 55040own 55041this land. 55042 55043I don't spend 55044any time 55045on this land. 55046 55047This 55048is a tiny 55049little piece 55050 55051of my 55052business 55053interests. 55054 55055It's like 55056a grain 55057of sand. 55058 -- "Alliance Airport, from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot, 55059 recited on ABC's Town Meeting, June 29, 1992. 55060 From SPY Magazine, November 1992 55061% 55062We're all in this alone. 55063 -- Lily Tomlin 55064% 55065We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which 55066people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products. 55067Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spiritual 55068and emotional feelings. It might taste good or clever, but in the long run, 55069it's not going to do anything for you. 55070 -- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984 55071% 55072We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from 55073the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging 55074you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right 55075in his bowl full of jelly. 55076 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" 55077% 55078We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable 55079things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend 55080and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students. 55081 -- Waldo D. R. Dobbs 55082% 55083We're happy little Vegemites, 55084 As bright as bright can be. 55085We all enjoy our Vegemite 55086 For breakfast, lunch and tea. 55087% 55088Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the 55089formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite 55090shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide 55091a grin. 55092 -- F. M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations" 55093% 55094We're Knights of the Round Table 55095We dance whene'er we're able 55096We do routines and chorus scenes We're knights of the Round Table 55097With footwork impeccable Our shows are formidable 55098We dine well here in Camelot But many times 55099We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. We're given rhymes 55100 That are quite unsingable 55101In war we're tough and able, We're opera mad in Camelot 55102Quite indefatigable We sing from the diaphragm a lot. 55103Between our quests 55104We sequin vests 55105And impersonate Clark Gable 55106It's a busy life in Camelot. 55107I have to push the pram a lot. 55108 -- Monty Python 55109% 55110We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold. 55111 -- D. W. Robertson 55112% 55113We're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful -- 55114but those are only handicaps. Our pride is that nevertheless, now and 55115then, we do our best. A few times we succeed. What more dare we ask for? 55116 -- Ensign Flandry 55117% 55118"We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is 55119weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me 55120the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious, 55121unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept 55122responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous 55123desert, in this marvelous time. I wanted to convince you that you must 55124learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a 55125short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it." 55126 -- Don Juan 55127% 55128We're only in it for the volume. 55129 -- Black Sabbath 55130% 55131Were there no women, men might live like gods. 55132 -- Thomas Dekker 55133% 55134Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8. 55135% 55136Westheimer's Discovery: 55137 A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a 55138couple of hours in the library. 55139% 55140Wethern's Law: 55141 Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. 55142% 55143We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center 55144of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week, 55145but for some reason nobody's ever done it. 55146 -- Andy Rooney 55147% 55148We've tried each spinning space mote 55149And reckoned its true worth: 55150Take us back again to the homes of men 55151On the cool, green hills of Earth. 55152 55153The arching sky is calling 55154Spacemen back to their trade. 55155All hands! Standby! Free falling! 55156And the lights below us fade. 55157Out ride the sons of Terra, 55158Far drives the thundering jet, 55159Up leaps the race of Earthmen, 55160Out, far, and onward yet-- 55161 55162We pray for one last landing 55163On the globe that gave us birth; 55164Let us rest our eyes on the fleecy skies 55165And the cool, green hills of Earth. 55166 -- Robert A. Heinlein, 1941 55167% 55168Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay? 55169% 55170What!? Me worry? 55171 -- A. E. Neuman 55172% 55173What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script 55174by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary 55175Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them! 55176 -- David Niven, "Bring On the Empty Horses" 55177% 55178What a misfortune to be a woman! And yet, the worst misfortune is not to 55179understand what a misfortune it is. 55180 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855) 55181% 55182What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play. 55183 -- WOP, "War Games" 55184% 55185What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean. 55186 -- Christopher Fry 55187% 55188What an artist dies with me! 55189 -- Nero 55190% 55191What an author likes to write most is his signature on the 55192back of a cheque. 55193 -- Brendan Francis 55194% 55195What awful irony is this? 55196We are as gods, but know it not. 55197% 55198What causes the mysterious death of everyone? 55199% 55200What color is a chameleon on a mirror? 55201% 55202What did ya do with your burden and your cross? 55203Did you carry it yourself or did you cry? 55204You and I know that a burden and a cross, 55205Can only be carried on one man's back. 55206 -- Louden Wainwright III 55207% 55208What did you bring that book I didn't want 55209to be read to out of about Down Under up for? 55210% 55211What did you do when the ship sank? 55212I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore. 55213% 55214What do I consider a reasonable person to be? I'd say a reasonable person 55215is one who accepts that we are all human and therefore fallible, and takes 55216that into account when dealing with others. Implicit in this definition is 55217the belief that it is the right and the responsibility of each person to 55218live his or her own life as he or she sees fit, to respect this right in 55219others, and to demand the assumption of this responsibility by others. 55220% 55221What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin. 55222 -- Jerry Lester 55223% 55224What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand? 55225Not enough sand. 55226% 55227What does education often do? 55228It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook. 55229 -- Henry David Thoreau 55230% 55231What does it mean if there is no fortune for you? 55232% 55233What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to 55234win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent? 55235In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded 55236that it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the 55237simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American life. First, a 55238base of technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done. Second, 55239a period of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human 55240activities must exist. Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses 55241the national attention upon the direction to proceed. Finally, an articulate 55242and wise leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with 55243words and action the great thing to be accomplished. The motivation of young 55244Americans to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of 55245conditions. ... The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John 55246Kennedys appear. We must begin to create the tools of leadership which they, 55247and their young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward. 55248 -- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt 55249% 55250What does not destroy me, makes me stronger. 55251 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 55252% 55253What ever happened to happily ever after? 55254% 55255What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them? 55256 -- Roger von Oech 55257% 55258What foods these morsels be! 55259% 55260What fools these morals be! 55261% 55262What fools these mortals be. 55263 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca 55264% 55265What garlic is to food, insanity is to art. 55266% 55267What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. 55268% 55269What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so 55270that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our 55271country. Nice try anyway, George. 55272 -- Disk Jockey on KSFO/KYA 55273% 55274What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down 55275where you can find it. Murphy's Law applied to Newton's. 55276% 55277What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the 55278entrance? 55279% 55280What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature? 55281 -- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men" 55282% 55283What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow 55284in his footsteps? 55285% 55286What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry? 55287 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 55288% 55289What happened last night can happen again. 55290% 55291What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations 55292involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will 55293be pretty bad. 55294 -- Dave Barry 55295% 55296What happens to a dream deferred? 55297Does it dry up 55298Like a raisin in the sun? 55299Or fester like a sore -- 55300And then run? 55301Does it stink like rotten meat? 55302Or crust and sugar over -- 55303Like a syrupy sweet? 55304 55305Maybe it just sags 55306Like a heavy load. 55307 55308Or does it explode? 55309 -- Langston Hughes 55310% 55311What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes. 55312% 55313What has roots as nobody sees, 55314Is taller than trees, 55315Up, up it goes, 55316And yet never grows? 55317% 55318What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower 55319stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed 55320barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character 55321from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of 55322while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our 55323dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up 55324powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the 55325bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any 55326one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact 55327lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where 55328you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah", 55329if you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with 55330that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it; 55331they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to 55332flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them. 55333 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" 55334% 55335What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be 55336broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality 55337is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct. 55338 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 55339% 55340What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty- 55341sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up 55342with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always 55343came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at 55344parties. 55345 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 55346% 55347What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility. 55348% 55349What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I 55350definitely overpaid for my carpet. 55351 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 55352% 55353What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's 55354worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? 55355 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 55356% 55357What if there had been room at the inn? 55358 -- Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity 55359% 55360What is a magician but a practicing theorist? 55361 -- Obi-Wan Kenobi 55362% 55363What is actually happening, I am afraid, is that we all tell each 55364other and ourselves that software engineering techniques should be 55365improved considerably, because there is a crisis. But there are a few 55366boundary conditions which apparently have to be satisfied: 55367 55368 1. We may not change our thinking habits. 55369 2. We may not change our programming tools. 55370 3. We may not change our hardware. 55371 4. We may not change our tasks. 55372 5. We may not change the organizational set-up 55373 in which the work has to be done. 55374 55375Now under these five immutable boundary conditions, we have to try to 55376improve matters. This is utterly ridiculous. 55377 55378Edsger W. Dijkstra, on receiving the ACM Turing Award in 1972 55379% 55380What is algebra, exactly? Is it one of those three-cornered things? 55381 -- J. M. Barrie 55382% 55383What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making 55384them puke. 55385 -- Steve Martin 55386% 55387What is food to one, is to others bitter poison. 55388 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 55389% 55390What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the 55391will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of 55392weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue 55393but fitness. The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of 55394our love of man. And they shall even be given every possible assistance. 55395What is more harmful than any vice? Active pity for all the failures and 55396all the weak: Christianity. 55397 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 55398% 55399What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's 55400enemies. Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking 55401out of him. 55402 -- Brian O'Nolan, "The Best of Myles" 55403% 55404What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires 55405an accomplice. 55406 -- Charles Baudelaire 55407% 55408What is love but a second-hand emotion? 55409 -- Tina Turner 55410% 55411What is mind? No matter. 55412What is matter? Never mind. 55413 -- Thomas Hewitt Key (1799-1875) 55414% 55415What is now proved was once only imagin'd. 55416 -- William Blake 55417% 55418What is research but a blind date with knowledge? 55419 -- Will Harvey 55420% 55421What is robbing a bank compared with founding a bank? 55422 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera" 55423% 55424What is status? 55425 Status is when the President calls you for your opinion. 55426 55427Uh, no... 55428 Status is when the President calls you in to discuss a 55429 problem with him. 55430 55431Uh, that still ain't right... 55432 STATUS is when you're in the Oval Office talking to the President, 55433 and the phone rings. The President picks it up, listens for a 55434 minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It's for you." 55435% 55436What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern 55437computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest 55438and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak. 55439% 55440"What is the Nature of God?" 55441 55442 CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!= 55443 1 QT. SOUR CREAM 55444 1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT 55445 1/2 CUT CHIVES. 55446 STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS. 55447 55448"I've just GOT to start labeling my software..." 55449 -- Bloom County 55450% 55451What is the sound of one hand clapping? 55452% 55453What is this line of duty, and suffering? You are not supposed to suffer 55454if you are an assassin. The other person is supposed to suffer. 55455 -- Chiun, glory of the name of Sinanju, teacher of the youth 55456 from outside Sinanju named Remo. 55457% 55458What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed 55459of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that 55460is the first law of nature. 55461 -- Voltaire 55462% 55463What is truth? We must adopt a pragmatic definition: it is what is believed 55464to be the truth. A lie that is put across therefore becomes the truth and 55465may, therefore, be justified. The difficulty is to keep up lying... it is 55466simpler to tell the truth and if a sufficient emergency arises, to tell one, 55467big thumping lie that will then be believed. 55468 -- Ministry of Information, memo on the maintenance of 55469 British civilian morale, 1939 55470% 55471What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, 55472which is the exact opposite. 55473 -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928 55474% 55475What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do it. 55476% 55477What I've done, of course, is total garbage. 55478 -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a 55479% 55480What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither 55481goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night? 55482 -- Jack Kerouac 55483% 55484What luck for the rulers that men do not think. 55485 -- Adolf Hitler 55486% 55487What makes the Universe so hard to comprehend 55488is that there's nothing to compare it with. 55489% 55490What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us 55491is that they think themselves cleverer than we are. 55492% 55493What makes you think graduate school 55494is supposed to be satisfying? 55495 -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying" 55496% 55497What most people want is all of the power but none of the responsibility. 55498% 55499What no spouse of a writer can ever understand 55500is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window. 55501% 55502What nonsense people talk about happy marriages! 55503A man can be happy with any woman so long as he doesn't love her. 55504 -- Wilde 55505% 55506What on earth would a man do with himself 55507if something did not stand in his way? 55508 -- H. G. Wells 55509% 55510What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true. 55511 -- John Lilly 55512% 55513What one fool can do, another can. 55514 -- Ancient Simian proverb 55515% 55516What orators lack in depth they make up in length. 55517% 55518What pains others pleasures me, 55519At home am I in Lisp or C; 55520There i couch in ecstasy, 55521'Til debugger's poke i flee, 55522Into kernel memory. 55523In system space, system space, there shall i fare-- 55524Inside of a VAX on a silicon square. 55525% 55526What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error. 55527 -- Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals" 55528% 55529What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing 55530more than man's transparency. 55531 -- George Nathan 55532% 55533What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism. 55534It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books 55535and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes 55536and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: Yes, 55537women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate 55538mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige 55539and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort. 55540 -- Susan Gordon 55541% 55542What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few 55543of us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once 55544were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that 55545impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get 55546enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit 55547till at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he 55548look peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all 55549the wars and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and 55550discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond 55551their grasp before they were five years old. 55552 -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels" 55553% 55554What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? 55555 -- Ursula K. LeGuin 55556% 55557What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch? 55558 -- J. D. Farley 55559% 55560What segment's this, that, laid to rest 55561On FHA0, is sleeping? 55562What system file, lay here a while This, this is "acct.run," 55563While hackers around it were weeping? Accounting file for everyone. 55564 Dump, dump it and type it out, 55565 The file, the highseg of login. 55566Why lies it here, on public disk 55567And why is it now unprotected? 55568A bug in incant, made it thus. Mount, mount all your DECtapes now 55569And copy the file somehow, somehow. The problem has not been corrected. 55570 Dump, dump it and type it out, 55571 The file, the highseg of login. 55572 -- to Greensleeves 55573% 55574What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency? 55575% 55576What soon grows old? Gratitude. 55577 -- Aristotle 55578% 55579What, still alive at twenty-two, 55580A clean upstanding chap like you? 55581Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit, 55582Slit your girl's, and swing for it. 55583Like enough, you won't be glad, 55584When they come to hang you, lad: 55585But bacon's not the only thing 55586That's cured by hanging from a string. 55587So, when the spilt ink of the night 55588Spreads o'er the blotting pad of light, 55589Lads whose job is still to do 55590Shall whet their knives, and think of you. 55591 -- Hugh Kingsmill 55592% 55593What the deuce is it to me? You say that we go around the sun. If we went 55594around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work. 55595 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet" 55596% 55597What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket. 55598% 55599What the hell is it good for? 55600 -- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems 55601 Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the 55602 microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968 55603% 55604What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away. 55605% 55606What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying. 55607 -- Nikita Khruschev 55608% 55609What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener. 55610% 55611What they said: 55612 What they meant: 55613 55614"I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever." 55615 (Yes, that about sums it up.) 55616"The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you." 55617 (And I recommend not giving that school a dime...) 55618"I simply can't say enough good things about him." 55619 (What a screw-up.) 55620"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine." 55621 (I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.) 55622"When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go 55623a long way with his skills." 55624 (We hoped he'd go as far as possible.) 55625"You won't find many people like her." 55626 (In fact, most people can't stand being around her.) 55627"I cannot recommend him too highly." 55628 (However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a 55629 felony in my presence.) 55630% 55631What they said: 55632 What they meant: 55633 55634"If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much 55635of him as I do." 55636 (Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.) 55637"Her input was always critical." 55638 (She never had a good word to say.) 55639"I have no doubt about his capability to do good work." 55640 (And it's nonexistent.) 55641"This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which 55642already has so many outstanding members." 55643 (Unless you already have a moron.) 55644"His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable: 55645one unbelievable result after another." 55646 (And we didn't believe them, either.) 55647"She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her." 55648 (In fact, to life in general...) 55649% 55650What they said: 55651 What they meant: 55652 55653"You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you." 55654 (We certainly never succeeded.) 55655There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him. 55656 (Well, our rats aren't really employees...) 55657"Success will never spoil him." 55658 (Well, at least not MUCH more.) 55659"One usually comes away from him with a good feeling." 55660 (And such a sigh of relief.) 55661"His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days; 55662in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities." 55663 (And his IQ, as well.) 55664"He should go far." 55665 (The farther the better.) 55666"He will take full advantage of his staff." 55667 (He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.) 55668% 55669What they say: What they mean: 55670 55671A major technological breakthrough... Back to the drawing board. 55672Developed after years of research Discovered by pure accident. 55673Project behind original schedule due We're working on something else. 55674 to unforeseen difficulties 55675Designs are within allowable limits We made it, stretching a point or two. 55676Customer satisfaction is believed So far behind schedule that they'll be 55677 assured grateful for anything at all. 55678Close project coordination We're gonna spread the blame, campers! 55679Test results were extremely gratifying It works, and boy, were we surprised! 55680The design will be finalized... We haven't started yet, but we've got 55681 to say something. 55682The entire concept has been rejected The guy who designed it quit. 55683We're moving forward with a fresh We hired three new guys, and they're 55684 approach kicking it around. 55685A number of different approaches... We don't know where we're going, but 55686 we're moving. 55687Preliminary operational tests are Blew up when we turned it on. 55688 inconclusive 55689Modifications are underway We're starting over. 55690% 55691What they say: What they mean: 55692 55693New Different colors from previous version. 55694All New Not compatible with previous version. 55695Exclusive Nobody else has documentation. 55696Unmatched Almost as good as the competition. 55697Design Simplicity The company wouldn't give us any money. 55698Fool-proof Operation All parameters are hard-coded. 55699Advanced Design Nobody really understands it. 55700Here At Last Didn't get it done on time. 55701Field Tested We don't have any simulators. 55702Years of Development Finally got one to work. 55703Unprecedented Performance Nothing ever ran this slow before. 55704Revolutionary Disk drives go 'round and 'round. 55705Futuristic Only runs on a next generation supercomputer. 55706No Maintenance Impossible to fix. 55707Performance Proven Worked through Beta test. 55708Meets Tough Quality Standards It compiles without errors. 55709Satisfaction Guaranteed We'll send you another pack if it fails. 55710Stock Item We shipped it before and can do it again. 55711% 55712What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. 55713% 55714What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING! 55715% 55716What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer. 55717% 55718What this country needs is a good five cent nickel. 55719% 55720What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon. 55721% 55722What time is it? 55723I don't know, it keeps changing. 55724% 55725What upsets me is not that you lied to me, 55726but that from now on I can no longer believe you. 55727 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 55728% 55729What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn? 55730 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" 55731% 55732What we Are is God's give to us. 55733What we Become is our gift to God. 55734% 55735What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence. 55736 -- Wittgenstein 55737% 55738What we do not understand we do not possess. 55739 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 55740% 55741What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which 55742nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday 55743Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space- 55744launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just 55745remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual 55746process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still 55747be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed. 55748 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 55749% 55750What we need is either less corruption, 55751or more chance to participate in it. 55752% 55753What we see depends on mainly what we look for. 55754 -- John Lubbock 55755% 55756What we wish, that we readily believe. 55757 -- Demosthenes 55758% 55759What will happen when the 32-bit Unix date goes negative in mid-January 557602038 does not bear thinking about. 55761 -- Henry Spencer 55762% 55763What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die? 55764% 55765What would you do with a brain if you had one? 55766 -- Judy Garland as Dorothy Gale, "The Wizard of Oz" 55767% 55768What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it. 55769% 55770What you don't know won't help you much either. 55771 -- D. Bennett 55772% 55773What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond 55774your control. But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or 55775your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control. If you feel 55776powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do 55777with as you will. 55778 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen" 55779% 55780What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for 55781something to occur to you. 55782 -- Robert Frost 55783 55784 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 55785 referring to AST's.] 55786% 55787Whatever became of eternal truth? 55788% 55789Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for 55790cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils 55791as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding 55792hundred dollar bills." 55793 -- Herb Caen 55794% 55795Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will 55796never succeed. 55797 -- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California 55798% 55799Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified 55800performance. 55801 -- Helen Lawrenson 55802% 55803Whatever happened to the good old days 55804when sex was dirty and the air was clean? 55805% 55806Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not 55807nailed down. 55808 -- Collis P. Huntingdon 55809% 55810Whatever is not nailed down is mine. 55811Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down. 55812 -- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon 55813% 55814Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts. 55815 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 55816% 55817Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil. 55818 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 55819% 55820Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not cockroaches! 55821 -- Mom 55822% 55823Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half 55824as good. Luckily this is not difficult. 55825 -- Charlotte Whitton 55826% 55827Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that 55828you do it. 55829 -- Mahatma Gandhi 55830% 55831Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like 55832other people. 55833 -- James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows" 55834% 55835Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first. 55836% 55837What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority. 55838 -- Robert Altman 55839% 55840What's all this bru-ha-ha? 55841% 55842What's another word for "thesaurus"? 55843 -- Steven Wright 55844% 55845What's done to children, they will do to society. 55846% 55847What's page one, a preemptive strike? 55848 -- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College 55849% 55850What's so funny? 55851% 55852What's the matter with the world? Why, there ain't but one thing wrong 55853with every one of us - and that's "selfishness." 55854 -- The Best of Will Rogers 55855% 55856What's the ugliest part of your body? 55857What's the ugliest part of your body? 55858Some say your nose, 55859Some say your toes, 55860But I think it's your mind. 55861 -- Frank Zappa, 1965 55862% 55863What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it? 55864 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who" 55865% 55866What's this stuff about people being "released on their 55867own recognizance"? Aren't we all out on own recognizance? 55868% 55869When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the 55870money is. 55871 -- Robespierre 55872% 55873When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far! 55874% 55875When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose? 55876% 55877When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the 55878thing," it's the money. 55879 -- Kin Hubbard 55880% 55881When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half 55882loop? 55883% 55884When a girl can read the handwriting on 55885the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room. 55886% 55887When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the 55888inattentions of one. 55889 -- Helen Rowland 55890% 55891When a lion meets another with a louder roar, 55892the first lion thinks the last a bore. 55893 -- George Bernard Shaw 55894% 55895When a lot of remedies are suggested for 55896a disease, that means it can't be cured. 55897 -- Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard" 55898% 55899When a man assumes a public trust, he 55900should consider himself as public property. 55901 -- Thomas Jefferson 55902% 55903When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life. 55904 -- Samuel Johnson 55905% 55906When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, 55907it concentrates his mind wonderfully. 55908 -- Samuel Johnson 55909% 55910When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. 55911But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute-- and it's longer than any 55912hour. That's relativity. 55913 -- Albert Einstein 55914% 55915When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him 55916keep her. 55917 -- Sacha Guitry 55918% 55919When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years 55920ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind 55921with changing conditions. When a man you don't like does it, he is a 55922liar who has broken his promises. 55923 -- Franklin Adams 55924% 55925When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper. 55926% 55927When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is 55928not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space 55929travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. 55930 -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love" 55931% 55932When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the 55933sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain 55934relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. 55935 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 55936% 55937When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises: 55938first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it. 55939 -- Donnay 55940% 55941When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband. 55942When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife. 55943 -- Wilde 55944% 55945When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm 55946yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him. 55947 55948Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive 55949out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit 55950by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you 55951to support him for the rest of his rotten life. In court he will plead 55952that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was 55953looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the 55954poor. In that lawsuit, you will lose. If, on the other hand, you kill 55955him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful 55956death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your 55957story; forget Mother Teresa. Second, even if you lose, how much could 55958the bum's life be worth anyway? A lot less than 50 years worth of 55959paralysis. Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein. Finish the job. 55960 -- G. Gordon Liddy's Forbes column on personal security 55961% 55962When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people 55963interrupted service for one minute in his honor. They've been 55964honoring him intermittently ever since, I believe. 55965 -- The Grab Bag 55966% 55967When all else fails, EAT!!! 55968% 55969When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance 55970the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter 55971knob. 55972 -- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual 55973% 55974When all else fails, try Kate Smith. 55975% 55976When all other means of communication fail, try words. 55977% 55978When among apes, one must play the ape. 55979% 55980When angry, count four; when very angry, swear. 55981 -- Mark Twain 55982% 55983When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo 55984tactics *with* Gestapo tactics? 55985 -- Reuben Flagg 55986% 55987When arguments fail, use a blackjack. 55988 -- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate 55989% 55990When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before 55991the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours." 55992 -- Vine Deloria, Jr. 55993% 55994When asked the definition of "pi": 55995The Mathematician: 55996 Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the 55997 circumference of a circle and its diameter. 55998The Physicist: 55999 Pi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005. 56000The Engineer: 56001 Pi is about 3. 56002% 56003When Boy Scouts do it, it's intense. 56004% 56005When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults. 56006 -- Brian Aldiss 56007% 56008When choosing between two evils, I always 56009like to take the one I've never tried before. 56010 -- Mae West, "Klondike Annie" 56011% 56012When confronted by a difficult problem, you can often solve it quite 56013easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger 56014handle this?" 56015% 56016When Cthulhu calls, He calls collect! 56017% 56018When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this 56019was bound to happen in a democratic system. However, we National Socialists 56020never asserted that we represented a democratic point of view, but we have 56021declared openly that we used the democratic methods only to gain power and 56022that, after assuming the power, we would deny to our adversaries without any 56023consideration the means which were granted to us in times of our opposition. 56024 -- Josef Goebbels 56025% 56026When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind? 56027% 56028When does later become never? 56029% 56030When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, I 56031think it was a Tuesday. 56032% 56033When eating an elephant take one bite at a time. 56034 -- Gen. C. Abrams 56035% 56036When forecasting, give them a number 56037or give them a date, but never both. 56038% 56039When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to 56040guarantee them. 56041% 56042When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman. As to 56043why he then stopped there are two opinions. One of them is woman's. 56044 -- DeGourmont 56045% 56046When he got in trouble in the ring, [Ali] imagined a door swung open and 56047inside he could see neon, orange, and green lights blinking, and bats 56048blowing trumpets and alligators blowing trombones, and he could hear snakes 56049screaming. Weird masks and actors' clothes hung on the wall, and if he 56050stepped across the sill and reached for them, he knew that he was committing 56051himself to destruction. 56052 -- George Plimpton 56053% 56054When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced 56055to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence. 56056 -- Brendan Behan 56057% 56058When I demanded of my friend what viands he preferred, 56059He quoth: "A large cold bottle, and a small hot bird!" 56060 -- Eugene Field, "The Bottle and the Bird" 56061% 56062when i die, i'd like to go peacefully. 56063in my sleep. 56064like my grandfather. 56065 56066not screaming, 56067like the passengers in his car... 56068% 56069When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket 56070and a willingness to compromise. 56071 -- Weber cartoon caption 56072% 56073When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, 56074then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. 56075 -- Steven Wright 56076% 56077When I grow up, I want to be an honest 56078lawyer so things like that can't happen. 56079 -- Richard M. Nixon, as a boy, on the Teapot Dome scandal 56080% 56081When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I 56082shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do 56083what you like now." 56084 -- Tolstoy 56085% 56086When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity 56087for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough. 56088 -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report" 56089% 56090When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a 56091year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire 56092winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. 56093 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 56094% 56095When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil. 56096% 56097When I look at the horse heads and men's faces, the immense 56098live torrent once raised by my will and now whirling to 56099nowhere through the red sunset desert, I often wonder where 56100I am in this torrent. 56101 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan 56102% 56103When I said "we", officer, I was referring to 56104myself, the four young ladies, and, of course, the goat. 56105% 56106When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said 56107to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane." 56108 -- Franklyn Ajaye 56109% 56110When I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever. 56111I will then say the magic words to you, and you, too, will vanish -- never 56112to be seen again. 56113 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu" 56114% 56115When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve 56116it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality. 56117 -- Al Capone 56118% 56119When I think about myself, 56120I almost laugh myself to death, 56121My life has been one great big joke, Sixty years in these folks' world 56122A dance that's walked The child I works for calls me girl 56123A song that's spoke, I say "Yes ma'am" for working's sake. 56124I laugh so hard I almost choke Too proud to bend 56125When I think about myself. Too poor to break, 56126 I laugh until my stomach ache, 56127 When I think about myself. 56128My folks can make me split my side, 56129I laughed so hard I nearly died, 56130The tales they tell, sound just like lying, 56131They grow the fruit, 56132But eat the rind, 56133I laugh until I start to crying, 56134When I think about my folks. 56135 -- Maya Angelou 56136% 56137When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father. 56138By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement. 56139% 56140When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President. 56141Now I'm beginning to believe it. 56142 -- Clarence Darrow 56143% 56144When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard... 56145I was an only child... eventually. 56146 -- Steven Wright 56147% 56148When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you 56149take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come 56150and get you." 56151 -- Jerry Lewis 56152% 56153When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd 56154all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. 56155It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear. 56156 -- Jack Handey 56157% 56158When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal 56159woman. Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man. 56160 -- Robert Schuman 56161% 56162When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if 56163I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?" 56164 -- Steven Wright 56165% 56166When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends. 56167 56168I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's 56169picture that came with the wallet he bought. 56170 -- Rodney Dangerfield 56171% 56172When I was in college, there were a lot of four-letter words you couldn't 56173say in front of girls. Now you can say them. But you can't say "girls". 56174% 56175When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into 56176the soul of the boy sitting next to me. 56177 -- Woody Allen 56178% 56179When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get. 56180 -- Rodney Dangerfield 56181% 56182When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an 56183act of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A 56184group of seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a 56185six-year-old. "It is always so," my mother said. "You do things 56186together which not one of you would think of doing alone." ... 56187Wherever one looks in the world of human organization, collective 56188responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards. The military 56189establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems to have 56190been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things 56191together which nobody in his right mind would do alone. 56192 -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope" 56193% 56194When I was young we didn't have MTV; we 56195had to take drugs and go to concerts. 56196 -- Steven Pearl 56197% 56198When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened 56199or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I 56200cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to 56201go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. 56202 -- Mark Twain 56203% 56204When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had 56205slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes." 56206 -- Steven Wright 56207% 56208When I works, I works hard. 56209When I sits, I sits easy. 56210And when I thinks, I goes to sleep. 56211% 56212When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again. The fans with the cigars and 56213the hats turned down'll be there, but no more housewives and little men in 56214the street and foreign presidents. It's goin' to be back to the fighter who 56215comes to town, smells a flower, visits a hospital, blows a horn and says 56216he's in shape. Old hat. I was the onliest boxer in history people asked 56217questions like a senator. 56218 -- Muhammad Ali 56219% 56220When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better. 56221 -- Mae West 56222% 56223When in charge ponder, 56224When in doubt mumble, 56225When in trouble delegate. 56226% 56227When in doubt, do it. It's much easier 56228to apologize than to get permission. 56229 -- Grace Murray Hopper 56230% 56231When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess. 56232% 56233When in doubt, follow your heart. 56234% 56235When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand. 56236 -- Raymond Chandler 56237% 56238When in doubt, lead trump. 56239% 56240When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder. 56241 -- James H. Boren 56242% 56243When in doubt, tell the truth. 56244 -- Mark Twain 56245% 56246When in doubt, use brute force. 56247 -- Ken Thompson 56248% 56249When in panic, fear and doubt, 56250Drink in barrels, eat, and shout. 56251% 56252When in Rome, live in the Roman way. 56253 -- St. Ambrose 56254% 56255When in this world the headlines read 56256Of those whose hearts are filled with greed 56257Who rob and steal from those who need 56258The cry goes up with blinding speed for Underdog (UNDERDOG!) 56259Underdog (UNDERDOG!) 56260Speed of lightning, roar of thunder 56261Fighting all who rob or plunder 56262Underdog (ah-ah-ah-ah) 56263Underdog 56264UNDERDOG! 56265% 56266When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout. 56267% 56268When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame -- 56269half his wife's fault, and half her mother's. 56270% 56271When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing. 56272% 56273When it is not necessary to make a decision, 56274it is necessary not to make a decision. 56275% 56276When it's dark enough you can see the stars. 56277 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 56278% 56279When license fees are too high, 56280users do things by hand. 56281When the management is too intrusive, 56282users lose their spirit. 56283 56284Hack for the user's benefit. 56285Trust them; leave them alone. 56286% 56287When love is gone, there's always justice. 56288And when justice is gone, there's always force. 56289And when force is gone, there's always Mom. 56290Hi, Mom! 56291 -- Laurie Anderson 56292% 56293When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it 56294will attempt to defend itself when he tries to kill it. 56295% 56296When Marriage is Outlawed, 56297Only Outlaws will have Inlaws. 56298% 56299When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results. 56300 -- Calvin Coolidge 56301% 56302When my brain begins to reel from my 56303literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip. 56304 -- Ignatius Reilly 56305% 56306When my fist clenches crack it open, 56307Before I use it and lose my cool. 56308When I smile tell me some bad news, 56309Before I laugh and act like a fool. 56310 56311And if I swallow anything evil, 56312Put you finger down my throat. 56313And if I shiver please give me a blanket, 56314Keep me warm let me wear your coat 56315 56316No one knows what it's like to be the bad man, 56317 to be the sad man. 56318Behind blue eyes. 56319No one knows what its like to be hated, 56320 to be fated, 56321To telling only lies. 56322 -- The Who, "Behind Blue Eyes" 56323% 56324When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was, 56325at her request, moved to a different room. She told me she didn't 56326think she had ever seen a Jew before. My only response was to begin 56327wearing a small Star of David on a chain around my neck. I had not 56328become a more observing Jew; rather, discovering that the label of 56329Jew was offensive to others made me want to let people know who I 56330was and what I believed in. Similarly, after talking to these young 56331women -- one of whom told me that she didn't think she had ever met 56332a feminist -- I've taken to identifying myself as a feminist in the 56333most unlikely of situations. 56334 -- Susan Bolotin, "Voices From the Post-Feminist Generation" 56335% 56336When neither their poverty nor their honor is 56337touched, the majority of men live content. 56338 -- Niccolo Machiavelli 56339% 56340When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will. 56341% 56342When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes. 56343 -- Dylan Thomas 56344% 56345When one knows women one pities men, 56346but when one studies men, one excuses women. 56347 -- Horne Tooke 56348% 56349When one wants to get rid of an unsupportable pressure, one needs hashish. 56350 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 56351% 56352When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony 56353concerts, she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- 56354and I find I mind it less and less." 56355 -- Louise Andrews Kent 56356% 56357When operating the diopter adjustment knob with your eye to the view- 56358finder, be careful not to put your fingers or fingernails in your eye. 56359 -- found in the users manual of the Nikon D2x camera, 56360 a camera for professional photographers 56361% 56362When Oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U. 56363The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points 56364And Oxygen still had none 56365Then Oxygen scored a single goal 56366And thus it did remain, At Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1 56367Called because of rain. 56368% 56369When people have trouble communicating, 56370the least they can do is to shut up. 56371 -- Tom Lehrer 56372% 56373When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing. 56374% 56375When pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure? 56376% 56377When President Paul Doumer of France was assassinated in Paris in 1932, 56378newspapers differed in their versions of the event. This is from "Paris 56379was Yesterday: 1925-1939" by Janet Flanner, edited by Irving Drutman. 56380 56381 Taste varied as to his cry when he was shot down, the more popular 56382 papers preferring his despairing "Oh, la la!," the graver dailies 56383 favoring "Is it possible?" What few reported were his dying words: 56384 "But what kind of chauffeur was it?" Having been told by his aides 56385 not that he had been shot but that he had been struck by a taxi, the 56386 President spent the last conscious moments of his life wondering how 56387 an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison 56388 Rothschild, where his assassination occurred. 56389% 56390When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: 56391for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when 56392your boss is away and you get twice as much done. 56393 -- Daniel B. Luten 56394% 56395When smashing monuments, save the pedestals -- they always come in handy. 56396 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts" 56397% 56398When some people decide it's time for everyone to make 56399big changes, it means that they want you to change first. 56400% 56401When some people discover the truth, they just 56402can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it. 56403% 56404When someone makes a move We'll send them all we've got, 56405Of which we don't approve, John Wayne and Randolph Scott, 56406Who is it that always intervenes? Remember those exciting fighting scenes? 56407U.N. and O.A.S., To the shores of Tripoli, 56408They have their place, I guess, But not to Mississippoli, 56409But first, send the Marines! What do we do? We send the Marines! 56410 56411For might makes right, Members of the corps 56412And till they've seen the light, All hate the thought of war: 56413They've got to be protected, They'd rather kill them off by 56414 peaceful means. 56415All their rights respected, Stop calling it aggression-- 56416Till somebody we like can be elected. We hate that expression! 56417 We only want the world to know 56418 That we support the status quo; 56419 They love us everywhere we go, 56420 So when in doubt, send the Marines! 56421 -- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines" 56422% 56423When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only 56424say what I wish done," give him a lollipop. 56425% 56426When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four. 56427 -- S. Johnson 56428% 56429When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue. 56430% 56431When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple 56432of asterisked sentences: 56433 56434 It weighs less than 8 pounds.* 56435 And costs less than $1,300.** 56436 56437In tiny type were these "fuller explanations": 56438 56439 * Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out? Well, all 56440 this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power 56441 pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks 56442 will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you 56443 might not be able to figure this out for yourself. 56444 56445 ** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if 56446 you really want to. Or less. 56447 -- Forbes 56448% 56449When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!" 56450 -- Turkish proverb 56451% 56452When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff. 56453 -- Chinese proverb 56454% 56455When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking 56456about themselves. 56457% 56458When the cup is full, carry it level. 56459% 56460When the doubt vanishes and the issue becomes evident, stupidity reigns. 56461 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 56462% 56463When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it. 56464 -- Billy Sunday 56465% 56466When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little 56467muddy paw prints on the hood of my car. 56468% 56469When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical. 56470 -- Jon Carroll 56471% 56472When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer. 56473% 56474When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping. 56475% 56476When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. 56477 -- Hunter S. Thompson 56478% 56479When the government bureau's remedies do not match 56480your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy. 56481% 56482When the Guru administers, the users 56483are hardly aware that he exists. 56484Next best is a sysop who is loved. 56485Next, one who is feared. 56486And worst, one who is despised. 56487 56488If you don't trust the users, 56489you make them untrustworthy. 56490 56491The Guru doesn't talk, he hacks. 56492When his work is done, 56493the users say, "Amazing: 56494we implemented it, all by ourselves!" 56495% 56496When the leaders speak of peace 56497The common folk know 56498That war is coming 56499When the leaders curse war 56500The mobilization order is already written out. 56501 56502Every day, to earn my daily bread 56503I go to the market where lies are bought 56504Hopefully 56505I take my place among the sellers. 56506 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Hollywood" 56507% 56508When the lights are out, all women are fair. 56509 -- Plutarch 56510% 56511When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, 56512the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a 56513nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____that. 56514 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 56515% 56516When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look 56517like a nail. 56518% 56519When the President does it, that means it is not illegal. 56520 -- Richard M. Nixon 56521% 56522When the revolution comes, count your change. 56523% 56524When the salesman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask 56525if he could stay the night. The farmer agreed to put him up. "I live alone," 56526he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the 56527right." 56528 "Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in 56529the wrong joke." 56530% 56531When the speaker and he to whom he is speaking do not understand, that is 56532metaphysics. 56533 -- Voltaire 56534% 56535When the sun shineth, make hay. 56536 -- John Heywood 56537% 56538When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the 56539stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them 56540from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones 56541were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the 56542corners as bodies of a lower grade ... 56543 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 56544% 56545When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in a movie theatre, 56546he walked over and whispered, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're allowed only a single 56547seat." The man moaned, but did not budge. "Sir," the user said more loudly, 56548"if you don't move, I'll have to call a manager." The man moaned again but 56549stayed where he was. The usher left, and returned with the manager, who, after 56550several more attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. 56551 The cop took a look at the reclining man and said, "All right, boyo, 56552what's your name?" 56553 "Samuel," he mumbled. 56554 "And where're you from, Sam?" 56555 "The balcony." 56556% 56557When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the 56558plane will fly. 56559 -- Donald Douglas 56560% 56561When the wind is great, bow before it; 56562when the wind is heavy, yield to it. 56563% 56564When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course 56565is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst. 56566 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" 56567% 56568When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary. 56569 -- Honore de Balzac 56570% 56571When things go well, expect something to 56572explode, erode, collapse or just disappear. 56573% 56574When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most 56575insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are 56576required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and 56577exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. 56578 -- George Bernard Shaw 56579% 56580When users see one GUI as beautiful, 56581other user interfaces become ugly. 56582When users see some programs as winners, 56583other programs become lossage. 56584 56585Pointers and NULLs reference each other. 56586High level and assembler depend on each other. 56587Double and float cast to each other. 56588High-endian and low-endian define each other. 56589While and until follow each other. 56590 56591Therefore the Guru 56592programs without doing anything 56593and teaches without saying anything. 56594Warnings arise and he lets them come; 56595processes are swapped and he lets them go. 56596He has but doesn't possess, 56597acts but doesn't expect. 56598When his work is done, he deletes it. 56599That is why it lasts forever. 56600% 56601When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is 56602not hereditary. 56603 -- Thomas Paine 56604% 56605When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find 56606anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains, 56607two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the 56608history of war have so few been led by so many. 56609 -- General James Gavin 56610% 56611When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh. 56612% 56613When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before -- 56614except our fingertips will have been singed. 56615 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 56616% 56617When we write programs that "learn", 56618it turns out we do and they don't. 56619% 56620When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands. 56621 -- H. L. Mencken, "Sententiae" 56622% 56623When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes; 56624when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not 56625even our virtues. 56626 -- Honore de Balzac 56627% 56628When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all. 56629 -- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand" 56630% 56631When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of 56632investigation of a topic, it is well to have the answer firmly in hand, 56633so that you can proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or 56634swayed, directly to the goal. 56635 -- Amrom Katz 56636% 56637When you are at Rome live in the Roman style; 56638when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere. 56639 -- St. Ambrose 56640% 56641When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut. 56642% 56643When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often. 56644% 56645When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later 56646something marvelous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend 56647your parents' limitations... At the same time, you feel sure that in all 56648the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a 56649vital something that can be known -- known and grasped. That we will 56650eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent 56651narrative. So that then one's true life -- the point of everything -- 56652will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension. 56653But it isn't like that at all. But if it isn't, where did the idea come 56654from, to torture and unsettle us? 56655 -- Brian Aldiss, "Helliconia Summer" 56656% 56657When you become used to never being alone, 56658you may consider yourself Americanized. 56659% 56660When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal. 56661% 56662When you die, you lose a very important part of your life. 56663 -- Brooke Shields 56664% 56665When you dig another out of trouble, 56666you've got a place to bury your own. 56667% 56668When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. 56669% 56670When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly. 56671% 56672When you find yourself in danger, 56673When you're threatened by a stranger, 56674When it looks like you will take a lickin'... 56675 56676There is one thing you should learn, 56677When there is no one else to turn to, 56678 Caaaall for Super Chicken!! (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**) 56679 Caaaall for Super Chicken!! 56680% 56681When you get what you want in your struggle for pelf, 56682And the world makes you King for a day, 56683Then go to the mirror and look at yourself, 56684And see what that guy has to say. 56685 For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife, 56686 Who judgement upon you must pass. 56687 The feller whose verdict counts most in your life 56688 Is the guy staring back from the glass. 56689He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest, 56690For he's with you clear up to the end, 56691And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test 56692If the guy in the glass is your friend. 56693 You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum, 56694 And think you're a wonderful guy, 56695 But the man in the glass says you're only a bum 56696 If you can't look him straight in the eye. 56697You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years, 56698And get pats on the back as you pass, 56699But your final reward will be heartaches and tears 56700If you've cheated the guy in the glass. 56701 -- "The Guy in the Glass" 56702 Copyright 1934, Dale Wimbrow (1895-1954) 56703 [Pelf is a Middle English word for wealth or riches, 56704 especially when acquired dishonestly. Ed.] 56705% 56706When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve 56707people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. 56708 -- Norm Crosby 56709% 56710When you go out to buy, don't show your silver. 56711% 56712When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship. 56713 -- Harry S. Truman 56714% 56715When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever 56716remains, however improbable, must be the truth. 56717 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four" 56718% 56719When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure 56720clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite 56721answer to a definite problem. For better or worse you have 56722acted decisively. In a way, the next move is up to him. 56723 -- R. A. Lafferty 56724% 56725When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite. 56726 -- Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war 56727% 56728When you jump for joy, beware that no-one 56729moves the ground from beneath your feet. 56730 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts" 56731% 56732When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by 56733asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't 56734know the answer either. 56735 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 56736% 56737When you live in a sick society, 56738just about everything you do is wrong. 56739% 56740When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. 56741 -- The Wall Street Journal 56742% 56743When you meet a master swordsman, 56744show him your sword. 56745When you meet a man who is not a poet, 56746do not show him your poem. 56747 -- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master 56748% 56749When you overesteem great hackers, 56750more users become cretins. 56751When you develop encryption, 56752more users become crackers. 56753 56754The Guru leads 56755by emptying user's minds 56756and increasing their quotas, 56757by weakening their ambition 56758and toughening their resolve. 56759When users lack knowledge and desire, 56760management will not try to interfere. 56761 56762Practice not-looping, 56763and everything will fall into place. 56764% 56765When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that 56766you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice. 56767 -- Otto von Bismarck 56768% 56769When you speak to others for their own good it's advice; 56770when they speak to you for your own good it's interference. 56771% 56772When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the 56773impression you will make. 56774% 56775When you were born, a big chance was taken for you. 56776% 56777When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk. 56778When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned. 56779% 56780When your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn 56781They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem. 56782 -- Leonard Cohen, "Sisters of Mercy" 56783% 56784When your memory goes, forget it! 56785% 56786When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt. 56787 -- Henry J. Kaiser 56788% 56789When you're a Yup 56790You're a Yup all the way 56791From your first slice of Brie 56792To your last Cabernet. 56793 56794When you're a Yup 56795You're not just a dreamer 56796You're making things happen 56797You're driving a Beamer. 56798% 56799When you're away, I'm restless, lonely 56800Wretched, bored, dejected, only 56801Here's the rub, my darling dear, 56802I feel the same when you are near. 56803 -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing" 56804% 56805When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else. 56806 -- David Pryce-Jones 56807% 56808When you're dining out and you suspect 56809something's wrong, you're probably right. 56810% 56811When you're down and out, lift up your 56812voice and shout, "I'M DOWN AND OUT"! 56813% 56814When you're in command, command. 56815 -- Admiral Nimitz 56816% 56817When you're married to someone, they take you for granted ... when 56818you're living with someone it's fantastic ... they're so frightened 56819of losing you they've got to keep you satisfied all the time. 56820 -- Nell Dunn, "Poor Cow" 56821% 56822When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN. 56823% 56824When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to? 56825% 56826WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick 56827your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil. 56828 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 56829% 56830WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to 56831laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle 56832to become a parrot or something. 56833 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican" (1988) 56834% 56835Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean "not really". 56836 -- Dave Parnas 56837% 56838Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children 56839to spend their weekends with? 56840 -- Rita Rudner 56841% 56842Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes. 56843% 56844Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to 56845see it tried on him personally. 56846 -- Abraham Lincoln 56847% 56848Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct 56849is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. 56850Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. 56851 -- Jack Handey 56852% 56853Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. 56854 -- Oscar Wilde 56855% 56856Whenever Richard Cory went downtown, 56857 We people on the pavement looked at him: 56858He was a gentleman from sole to crown, 56859 Clean-favored, and imperially slim. 56860And he was always quietly arrayed, 56861 And he was always human when he talked; 56862But still he fluttered pulses when he said, 56863 "Good morning," and he glittered when he walked. 56864And he was rich -- yes, richer than a king -- 56865 And admirably schooled in every grace: 56866In fine, we thought that he was everything 56867 To make us wish that we were in his place. 56868So on we worked, and waited for the light, 56869 And went without the meat, and cursed the bread; 56870And Richard Cory, one calm summer night, 56871 Went home and put a bullet through his head. 56872 -- E. A. Robinson, "Richard Cory" 56873% 56874Whenever someone tells you to take their advice, 56875you can be pretty sure that they're not using it. 56876% 56877Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last 56878you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his 56879Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. 56880 -- Mark Twain 56881 "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court" 56882% 56883Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time 56884to reform. 56885 -- Mark Twain 56886% 56887Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and 56888weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes 56889and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons. 56890 -- Popular Mechanics, March 1949 56891% 56892Where am I? Who am I? Am I? I 56893% 56894Where am I, and what am I doing in this handbasket? 56895 -- Mark A. Matthews, to Wes Peters, circa 1996 56896% 56897Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk? 56898% 56899WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE 56900 Oh, dear, where can the matter be 56901 When it's converted to energy? 56902 There is a slight loss of parity. 56903 Johnny's so long at the fair. 56904% 56905Where do I find the time for not reading so many books? 56906 -- Karl Kraus 56907% 56908Where do you go to get anorexia? 56909 -- Shelley Winters 56910% 56911Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what 56912is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. 56913 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 56914% 56915Where is John Carson now that we need him? 56916 -- RLG 56917% 56918Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to 56919examine the laws of heat. 56920 -- Christopher Morley 56921% 56922Where, oh, where, are you tonight? 56923Why did you leave me here all alone? 56924I searched the world over, and I thought I'd found true love. 56925You met another, and *PPHHHLLLBBBBTTT*, you wuz gone. 56926 56927Gloom, despair and agony on me. 56928Deep dark depression, excessive misery. 56929If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. 56930Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me. 56931 -- Hee Haw 56932% 56933Where the hell is Wall Drug? 56934% 56935Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?". 56936% 56937Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance 56938in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration. 56939% 56940Where there is much light there is also much shadow. 56941 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 56942% 56943Where there's a whip there's a way. 56944% 56945Where there's a will, there's a relative. 56946% 56947Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax. 56948% 56949Where will it all end? 56950Probably somewhere near where it all began. 56951% 56952Where you stand depends on where you sit. 56953 -- Rufus Miles, HEW 56954% 56955Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent. 56956 -- Wittgenstein 56957% 56958Where's the man could ease a heart 56959Like a satin gown? 56960 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress" 56961% 56962...whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to 56963spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it. 56964 -- Richard Shelton 56965% 56966Whether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest, 56967Do not cease your single-handed struggle. 56968Go on, do not rest. 56969 -- An old Gujarati hymn 56970% 56971Whether you can hear it or not 56972The Universe is laughing behind your back 56973 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 56974% 56975Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares? 56976% 56977Which would you rather have, a bursting 56978planet or an earthquake here and there? 56979 -- John Joseph Lynch 56980% 56981While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is 56982admission to someone else. 56983% 56984While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, 56985The fate of empires and the fall of kings; 56986While quacks of State must each produce his plan, 56987And even children lisp the Rights of Man; 56988Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, 56989The Rights of Woman merit some attention. 56990 -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", 56991 November 26, 1792 56992% 56993While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several. 56994% 56995While he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), Clint 56996Eastwood agreed to a television interview. His host, somewhat hostile, 56997began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless, 56998lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself to 56999define a Clint Eastwood picture. "To me," said Eastwood calmly, "what 57000a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that I'm in." 57001 -- Boller and Davis, "Hollywood Anecdotes" 57002% 57003While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, 57004As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. 57005 -- Edgar Allan Poe, "The Raven" 57006 57007 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 57008 referring to hardware interrupts.] 57009 57010And now I see with eye serene 57011The very pulse of the machine. 57012 -- William Wordsworth, "She Was a Phantom of Delight" 57013 57014 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 57015 referring to software interrupts.] 57016% 57017While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't 57018keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove. 57019 -- Edward Stevenson 57020% 57021While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own 57022form of misery. 57023% 57024While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their 57025correctness never does. 57026% 57027While passing a vacant lot late one night, a jogger was stopped by a man who 57028held a gun to his head. 57029 "Who are you for," the gunman snarled, "Bush or Dukakis?" 57030 The runner thought for a moment, shifting nervously from foot to foot, 57031as the muzzle pressed harder into his temple. 57032 "Bush or Dukakis?" the mugger insisted. 57033 Finally, the jogger shrugged his shoulders, closed his eyes and bowed 57034his head. "Go ahead and shoot." 57035% 57036While there's life, there's hope. 57037 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 57038% 57039While walking down a crowded 57040City street the other day, 57041I heard a little urchin 57042To a comrade turn and say, 57043"Say, Chimmey, lemme tell youse, 57044I'd be happy as a clam 57045If only I was de feller dat 57046Me mudder t'inks I am. 57047 57048"She t'inks I am a wonder, My friends, be yours a life of toil 57049An' she knows her little lad Or undiluted joy, 57050Could never mix wit' nuttin' You can learn a wholesome lesson 57051Dat was ugly, mean or bad. From that small, untutored boy. 57052Oh, lot o' times I sit and t'ink Don't aim to be an earthly saint 57053How nice, 'twould be, gee whiz! With eyes fixed on a star: 57054If a feller was de feller Just try to be the fellow that 57055Dat his mudder t'inks he is." Your mother thinks you are. 57056 -- Will S. Adkin, "If I Only Was the Fellow" 57057% 57058While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in. 57059 -- Dean Rusk 57060% 57061While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very 57062reassuring to know that it's still there. 57063% 57064While you recently had your problems on the run, 57065they've regrouped and are making another attack. 57066% 57067While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are 57068safe, for you can watch both of his. 57069 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 57070% 57071Whip it, whip it good! 57072% 57073Whistler's Law: 57074 You never know who is right, but you always know who is in charge. 57075% 57076Whistler's mother is off her rocker. 57077% 57078White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship. 57079% 57080Whitehead's Law: 57081 The obvious answer is always overlooked. 57082% 57083White's Statement: 57084 Don't lose heart! 57085 57086Owen's Commentary on White's Statement: 57087 ...they might want to cut it out... 57088 57089Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary: 57090 ...and they want to avoid a lengthy search. 57091% 57092Who are you? 57093% 57094Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously? 57095 -- Nathan Pusey 57096% 57097Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with 57098our new Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process... 57099% 57100Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"? 57101 -- Hattie McDaniel 57102% 57103Who does not love wine, women, and song, 57104Remains a fool his whole life long. 57105 -- Johann Heinrich Voss 57106% 57107Who does not trust enough will not be trusted. 57108 -- Lao Tsu 57109% 57110Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing. 57111 -- Thomas Tusser 57112% 57113Who is D. B. Cooper, and where is he now? 57114% 57115Who is John Galt? 57116% 57117Who is W. O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me? 57118% 57119Who loves me will also love my dog. 57120 -- John Donne 57121% 57122Who loves not wisely but too well 57123Will look on Helen's face in hell, 57124But he whose love is thin and wise 57125Will view John Knox in Paradise. 57126 -- Dorothy Parker 57127% 57128Who made the world I cannot tell; 57129'Tis made, and here am I in hell. 57130My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, 57131I never soiled with such a deed. 57132 -- A. E. Housman 57133% 57134Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot? 57135% 57136Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink? 57137% 57138Who on earth would eat a charred caterpillar!? 57139No, no, you SINGE 'em! You SINGE 'em and eat 'em! 57140% 57141Who the hell wants to hear actors talk? 57142 -- Harry Warner, Warner Bros. Pictures, c. 1927 57143% 57144Who to himself is law no law doth need, 57145offends no law, and is a king indeed. 57146 -- George Chapman 57147% 57148Who took the MMMMMM out of MURINE? 57149% 57150Who was that masked man? 57151% 57152Who will take care of the world after you're gone? 57153% 57154Whoever dies with the most toys wins. 57155% 57156Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not 57157become a monster. And when you look into an abyss, the abyss also looks 57158into you. 57159 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 57160% 57161Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy. 57162 -- Groucho Marx 57163% 57164Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the 57165pure in heart can make a good soup. 57166 -- Ludwig van Beethoven 57167% 57168Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom. 57169% 57170"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school. 57171 -- George Ade 57172% 57173Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane. 57174% 57175Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising. 57176% 57177Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods. 57178 -- Bernard Levin 57179% 57180Who's on first? 57181% 57182Who's scruffy-looking? 57183 -- Han Solo 57184% 57185Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people. 57186Why a man would want *two* wives is a bigamystery. 57187% 57188Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard? 57189 -- Paul Simon 57190% 57191Why are programmers non-productive? 57192Because their time is wasted in meetings. 57193 57194Why are programmers rebellious? 57195Because the management interferes too much. 57196 57197Why are the programmers resigning one by one? 57198Because they are burnt out. 57199 57200Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs. 57201 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 57202% 57203Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like "Amadeus"? I could 57204have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing. 57205 -- Ian Shoales 57206% 57207Why are you so hard to ignore? 57208% 57209Why are you watching 57210The washing machine? 57211I love entertainment 57212So long as it's clean. 57213 57214Professor Doberman: 57215 While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded 57216pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified 57217improvement. Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic 57218experience. As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one 57219must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in 57220fact distract from the unity of the whole. In the final analysis, one 57221receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have 57222been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its 57223meaning. It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be 57224suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive 57225implications. 57226% 57227Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are. 57228 -- Erik Satie 57229% 57230"Why be a man when you can be a success?" 57231 -- Bertolt Brecht 57232% 57233Why be difficult, when, with just a 57234little more effort, you can be impossible? 57235% 57236Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we 57237have? 57238% 57239Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else? 57240% 57241Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to 57242avoid responsibility with? 57243% 57244Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office 57245automation? 57246% 57247Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another 57248meaning? "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with." "If it 57249doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a 57250corner." 57251% 57252Why do seagulls live near the sea? 57253'Cause if they lived near the bay, they'd be called baygulls. 57254% 57255Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic? 57256It's quite uncanny. 57257% 57258Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow? 57259% 57260Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them? 57261% 57262Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with. 57263% 57264Why do we want intelligent terminals 57265when there are so many stupid users? 57266% 57267Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away? 57268 -- Carl Sandburg 57269% 57270Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments? 57271% 57272Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently 57273there must be a beverage. 57274 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 57275% 57276Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have 57277more lawyers? 57278 57279New Jersey had first choice. 57280% 57281Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone? 57282 -- Jimmy Durante 57283% 57284Why don't elephants eat penguins ? 57285 57286Because they can't get the wrappers off ... 57287% 57288Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition? 57289We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether 57290we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a 57291pet coon. This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to 57292pay the fiddler. 57293 -- The Best of Will Rogers 57294% 57295Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle? 57296 -- Alan Shepard, the first American into space, Gemini program 57297% 57298Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she 57299kissed her cow. 57300 -- Rabelais 57301% 57302Why I Can't Go Out With You: 57303 57304I'd LOVE to, but... 57305 -- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters. 57306 -- None of my socks match. 57307 -- I'm having all my plants neutered. 57308 -- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out. 57309 -- My yucca plant is feeling yucky. 57310 -- I'm touring China with a wok band. 57311 -- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night. 57312 -- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student 57313 named Basil Metabolism. 57314 -- There are important world issues that need worrying about. 57315 -- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush. 57316 -- I prefer to remain an enigma. 57317 -- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever. 57318 -- I feel a song coming on. 57319% 57320Why I Can't Go Out With You: 57321 57322I'd LOVE to, but... 57323 -- I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship. 57324 -- I have to sit up with a sick ant. 57325 -- I'm trying to be less popular. 57326 -- My bathroom tiles need grouting. 57327 -- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner. 57328 -- My subconscious says no. 57329 -- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I 57330 can't seem to put it down. 57331 -- My favorite commercial is on TV. 57332 -- I have to study for my blood test. 57333 -- I've been traded to Cincinnati. 57334 -- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed. 57335 -- I have to go to court for kitty littering. 57336% 57337Why I Can't Go Out With You: 57338 57339I'd LOVE to, but... 57340 -- I have to floss my cat. 57341 -- I've dedicated my life to linguini. 57342 -- I need to spend more time with my blender. 57343 -- It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. 57344 -- It's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish/radio. 57345 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves. 57346 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. 57347 -- I'm due at the bakery to watch the buns rise. 57348 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist. 57349 -- I have some really hard words to look up. 57350 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting. 57351 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps. 57352% 57353Why I Can't Go Out With You: 57354 57355I'd LOVE to, but... 57356 -- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes. 57357 -- I'm attending the opening of my garage door. 57358 -- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots. 57359 -- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian. 57360 -- I have to fulfill my potential. 57361 -- I don't want to leave my comfort zone. 57362 -- It's too close to the turn of the century. 57363 -- I have to bleach my hare. 57364 -- I'm worried about my vertical hold knob. 57365 -- I left my body in my other clothes. 57366% 57367Why I Can't Go Out With You: 57368 57369I'd LOVE to, but... 57370 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting. 57371 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps. 57372 -- I've been scheduled for a karma transplant. 57373 -- I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture. 57374 -- It's my parakeet's bowling night. 57375 -- I'm building a plant from a kit. 57376 -- There's a disturbance in the Force. 57377 -- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling. 57378 -- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel. 57379 -- My crayons all melted together. 57380% 57381Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much? 57382% 57383Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you? 57384% 57385Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? 57386It is because we are not the person involved. 57387 -- Mark Twain 57388% 57389Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 57390 -- Steven Wright 57391% 57392Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet? 57393 -- Lily Tomlin 57394% 57395Why isn't there some cheap and easy 57396way to prove how much she means to me? 57397% 57398Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love 57399you knowing nothing? 57400 -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions 57401% 57402Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they 57403are another's. 57404 -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681 57405% 57406Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I 57407not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I don't know why I shouldn't -- 57408Well, then -- You will do me this favor. -- Why not? -- Why should you not 57409do it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I shall do the same for you, when you want 57410me to. Why not? Why should I not do it for you? Strange! Why not? -- 57411I can't think why not. 57412 -- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from a letter to his cousin Maria, 57413 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele 57414% 57415Why not go out on a limb? 57416Isn't that where the fruit is? 57417% 57418Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year? 57419Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your 57420children open their old-fashioned presents. 57421 57422Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?" 57423 57424You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it 57425 falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!" 57426 57427Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer 57428 with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory, 57429 and I get this cretin TOP?" 57430 57431Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this." 57432 57433You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!" 57434 57435Daughter: "It looks like goat barf." 57436 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" 57437% 57438Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a 57439fresh one for a quarter of the price? 57440% 57441Why was I born with such contemporaries? 57442 -- Oscar Wilde 57443% 57444Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is 57445wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that 57446unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it 57447not a spectacle to make the angels laugh? We are a company of ignorant 57448beings, feeling our way through mists and darkness, learning only be 57449incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by falling 57450into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for our daily 57451needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe the ultimate 57452origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures to declare that 57453we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map of our infinitesimal 57454parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that he will be damned to all 57455eternity for his faithlessness. 57456 -- Leslie Stephen, "An Agnostic's Apology", 57457 Fortnightly Review, 1876 57458% 57459Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight? Is it something I said? 57460 -- Tom Ryan 57461% 57462Why would anyone want to be called "Later"? 57463% 57464Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office: 57465 No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee, 57466when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your 57467direction, and almost none will be returned to the source. 57468 -- John L. Shelton 57469% 57470Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail? 57471 -- The Tasmanian Devil 57472% 57473Wiker's Law: 57474 Government expands to absorb all available revenue and then some. 57475% 57476Wilcox's Law: 57477 A pat on the back is only a few 57478 centimeters from a kick in the pants. 57479% 57480Will Rogers never met you. 57481% 57482Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it? 57483That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even! 57484% 57485Will your long-winded speeches never end? 57486What ails you that you keep on arguing? 57487 -- Job 16:3 57488% 57489Williams and Holland's Law: 57490 If enough data is collected, 57491 anything may be proven by statistical methods. 57492% 57493Willie in the cauldron fell; Willie saw some dynamite, 57494See the grief on mother's brow; Couldn't understand it quite; 57495Mother loved her darling well -- Curiosity never pays: 57496Willie's quite hard-boiled by now. It rained Willie seven days. 57497 57498Little Willie with a shout, William in a nice new sash, 57499Gouged the baby's eyeballs out; Fell in the fire and burned to an ash. 57500Stamped on them to make them pop. Now, although the room grows chilly, 57501Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!" I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy. 57502 57503William with a thirst for gore, Little Willie mean as hell, 57504Nailed the baby to the door. Threw his sister in the well! 57505Mother said, with humor quaint: Said his mother when drawing water, 57506"Careful, Will, don't mar the paint." "sure is hard to raise a daughter." 57507 -- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899 57508% 57509Wilner's Observation: 57510 All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private. 57511% 57512Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing. 57513 -- Vince Lombardi 57514% 57515Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything. 57516% 57517Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... 57518If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your 57519head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick... 57520 -- Steven Wright 57521% 57522Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours." 57523 -- Robert Byrne 57524% 57525Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as 57526it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. 57527% 57528[Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying 57529hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast. 57530 -- Proverbs 3:18, NSV 57531% 57532Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know. 57533 -- J. Winter Smith 57534% 57535Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list. 57536% 57537Wishing without work is like fishing without bait. 57538 -- Frank Tyger 57539% 57540Wit, n.: 57541 The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery... 57542 by leaving it out. 57543 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 57544% 57545With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I 57546try to be a fraud and a half. 57547 -- Otto von Bismarck 57548% 57549With a rubber duck, one's never alone. 57550 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 57551% 57552With all the fancy scientists in the world, 57553why can't they just once build a nuclear balm. 57554% 57555With all the talent around, it's sort of 57556amazing that a woman could be up here with us. 57557 -- Ralph Kiner, on introducing an award winner 57558% 57559With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best. 57560% 57561With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time 57562they make a law it's a joke. 57563 -- W. Rogers 57564% 57565With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand 57566miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and 57567still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no 57568such thing as progress. 57569 -- Ransom K. Ferm 57570% 57571With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind 57572she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself. 57573 -- Tolstoy 57574% 57575With listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance. 57576% 57577With reasonable men I will reason; 57578with humane men I will plead; 57579but to tyrants I will give no quarter. 57580 -- William Lloyd Garrison 57581% 57582With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team 57583celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus 57584party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and 57585eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at 57586parties. 57587 "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the 57588strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's 57589your G.P.A.?" 57590 Grinning ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in 57591the city and forty on the highway." 57592% 57593With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of 57594it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too 57595close. Like catching snakes. 57596 -- Marlon Brando 57597% 57598Within a computer, natural language is unnatural. 57599% 57600Within a month [in 1969] I had met the first of a small but not uninfluential 57601community of people who violently opposed SALT for a simple reason: It might 57602keep America from developing a first-strike capability against the Soviet 57603Union. I'll never forget being lectured by an Air Force colonel about how 57604we should have "nuked" the Soviets in late 1940s before they got The Bomb. 57605I was told that if SALT would go away, we'd soon have the capability to nuke 57606them again -- and this time we'd use it. 57607 -- Roger Molander, former nuclear strategist for the 57608 White House's National Security Council, Washington 57609 Post, 21 March, 1982 57610% 57611Without adventure, civilization is in full decay. 57612 -- Alfred North Whitehead 57613% 57614Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the 57615way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an 57616indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less 57617important to him than his table or his white robe. 57618 -- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac 57619% 57620Without fools there would be no wisdom. 57621% 57622Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless. 57623% 57624Without life, Biology itself would be impossible. 57625% 57626Without love intelligence is dangerous; 57627without intelligence love is not enough. 57628 -- Ashley Montagu 57629% 57630With/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about? 57631 -- Pink Floyd 57632% 57633Woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer, 57634Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer 57635The future's uncertain and the end is always near. 57636 -- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues" 57637% 57638Woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw. Hundred billion 57639bottles washed up on the shore. Seems I never noted being alone. 57640Hundred billion castaways looking for a call. 57641% 57642WOLF: 57643 A man who knows all the ankles. 57644% 57645Woman: "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?" 57646Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated." 57647% 57648Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. 57649 -- Dumas 57650% 57651Woman is generally so bad that the difference 57652between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists. 57653 -- Tolstoy 57654% 57655Woman, n.: 57656 An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and 57657 having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. 57658 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 57659% 57660Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk. 57661Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly. 57662 I shall be sober in the morning. 57663% 57664Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor 57665out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be 57666equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart 57667that he might love her. 57668 -- Henry 57669% 57670Woman would be more charming if one could 57671fall into her arms without falling into her hands. 57672 -- DeGourmont 57673% 57674Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool. 57675 -- Cervantes 57676% 57677Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection: 57678 (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it. 57679 (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete. 57680 (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2) 57681 (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a 57682 VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator. 57683 (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless. 57684 -- Rich Kulawiec 57685% 57686Women are a problem, but if you haven't already guessed, 57687they're the kind of problem I enjoy wrestling with. 57688 -- Warren Beatty 57689% 57690Women are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk: 57691once make 'em wives, and they lean their backs against their 57692marriage certificates, and defy you. 57693 -- Jerrold 57694% 57695Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it 57696from charity, or revenge? 57697 -- Gustave Vapereau 57698% 57699Women are just like men, only different. 57700% 57701Women are like elephants to me: I like to 57702look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one. 57703 -- W. C. Fields 57704% 57705Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have. 57706 -- Herold 57707% 57708Women are nothing but machines for producing children. 57709 -- Napoleon 57710% 57711Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more. 57712 -- Stephens 57713% 57714Women aren't as mere as they used to be. 57715 -- Pogo 57716% 57717Women can keep a secret just as well as men, 57718but it takes more of them to do it. 57719% 57720Women come and go, but BSD is forever. 57721 -- Derek Young 57722% 57723Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two 57724categories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much. 57725 -- Ann Landers 57726% 57727Women, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revenge 57728as good as any other. 57729 -- Philippe De Remi 57730% 57731Women give themselves to God when the 57732Devil wants nothing more to do with them. 57733 -- Arnould 57734% 57735Women give to men the very gold of their lives. Possibly; 57736but they invariably want it back in such very small change. 57737 -- Wilde 57738% 57739Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little 57740crying, a little dying -- and a good deal of lying. 57741 -- Ansey 57742% 57743Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners. 57744In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the 57745original earth clinging to the roots. 57746 -- Ambrose Bierce 57747% 57748Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong 57749than men who reason with the head. 57750 -- DeLescure 57751% 57752Women sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity, 57753but never a man who misses one. 57754 -- Charles De Talleyrand-Perigord 57755% 57756Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship 57757us and are always bothering us to do something for them. 57758 -- Wilde 57759% 57760Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell 57761them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man 57762than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry. 57763 -- Mort Sahl 57764% 57765Women waste men's lives and think they have 57766indemnified them by a few gracious words. 57767 -- Honore de Balzac 57768% 57769Women, when they are not in love, have all 57770the cold blood of an experienced attorney. 57771 -- Honore de Balzac 57772% 57773Women, when they have made a sheep of a man, 57774always tell him that he is a lion with a will of iron. 57775 -- Honore de Balzac 57776% 57777Women who desire to be like men, lack ambition. 57778% 57779Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination. 57780% 57781Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore; 57782not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or 57783graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves. 57784 -- Amiel 57785% 57786Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one. 57787% 57788Women's virtue is man's greatest invention. 57789 -- Cornelia Otis Skinner 57790% 57791Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher, 57792and philosophy begins in wonder. 57793 Socrates, quoting Plato 57794% 57795Wonderful day. 57796Your hangover just makes it seem terrible. 57797% 57798Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If 57799you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut 57800down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that 57801tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with 57802long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit 57803there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you 57804come back. 57805 57806Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, 57807when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. 57808Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the 57809cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood 57810heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately 57811beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made, 57812and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed, 57813although their insurance rates went way up. 57814 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 57815% 57816Woodward's Law: 57817 A theory is better than its explanation. 57818% 57819Woody: What's the story, Mr. Peterson? 57820Norm: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. 57821 Let's just cut to the happy ending. 57822 -- Cheers, Airport V 57823 57824Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you. 57825Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here. 57826 -- Cheers, Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back 57827 57828Sam: Beer, Norm? 57829Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good. 57830 -- Cheers, Don't Paint Your Chickens 57831% 57832Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose? 57833Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh? 57834 -- Cheers, Feeble Attraction 57835 57836Sam: What are you up to Norm? 57837Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall. 57838 -- Cheers, Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh 57839 57840Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson. 57841Norm: You mean, `Nice cold beer going *down* Mr. Peterson.' 57842 -- Cheers, Loverboyd 57843% 57844Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one? 57845Norm: See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers. 57846 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah 57847 57848Sam: Well, look at you. You look like the cat that 57849 swallowed the canary. 57850Norm: And I need a beer to wash him down. 57851 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah 57852 57853Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson? 57854Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass. 57855 -- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2 57856% 57857Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up? 57858Norm: The warranty on my liver. 57859 -- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to Do 57860 57861Sam: What can I do for you, Norm? 57862Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam. 57863 -- Cheers, Veggie-Boyd 57864 57865Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? 57866Norm: Another layer for the winter, Wood. 57867 -- Cheers, It's a Wonderful Wife 57868% 57869Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson? 57870Norm: Poor. 57871Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. 57872Norm: No, I meant `pour'. 57873 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3 57874 57875Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story? 57876Norm: Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy gets another beer. 57877 -- Cheers, The Proposal 57878 57879Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you? 57880Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper. 57881 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash 57882% 57883Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? 57884Norm: Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody. 57885 -- Cheers, Paint Your Office 57886 57887Sam: How's life treating you? 57888Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't. 57889 -- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss 57890 57891Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson? 57892Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody? 57893Woody: For a beer? 57894Norm: No, for stupid questions. 57895 -- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie 57896% 57897Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson? 57898Norm: The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me? 57899 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1 57900 57901Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson? 57902Norm: My cheeks on this barstool. 57903 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2 57904 57905Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer? 57906Norm: Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ... 57907 Eh, make that one-thirty. 57908 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2 57909% 57910Woolsey-Swanson Rule: 57911 People would rather live with a problem they cannot 57912 solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand. 57913% 57914Words are the voice of the heart. 57915% 57916Words can never express what words can never express. 57917% 57918Words have a longer life than deeds. 57919 -- Pindar 57920% 57921Words must be weighed, not counted. 57922% 57923WORK: 57924 The blessed respite from screaming kids and 57925 soap operas for which you actually get paid. 57926% 57927Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. 57928Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. 57929 -- Mark Twain 57930% 57931Work continues in this area. 57932 -- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton 57933% 57934Work expands to fill the time available. 57935 -- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, "The Economist", 1955 57936% 57937Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near 57938the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people 57939to do so. 57940 -- Bertrand Russell 57941% 57942Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life. 57943 -- Schulz 57944% 57945Work is the curse of the drinking classes. 57946 -- Mike Romanoff 57947% 57948Work like hell, tell everyone everything you know, close a deal with 57949a handshake, and have fun. 57950 -- Harold "Doc" Edgerton, summing up his life's philosophy, 57951 shortly before dying at the age of 86. 57952% 57953Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation): 57954 We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage 57955any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you 57956should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, 57957and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we 57958bargained for. 57959% 57960Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling. 57961% 57962Work without a vision is slavery, 57963Vision without work is a pipe dream, 57964But vision with work is the hope of the world. 57965% 57966Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your chairs. 57967% 57968Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with 57969a valentine. 57970 -- Christopher Plummer 57971% 57972World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century 57973since H. G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "There is no more evil 57974thing on earth than race prejudice, none at all. I write deliberately 57975-- it is the worst single thing in life now. It justifies and holds 57976together more baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of 57977error in the world." 57978 -- Sydney Harris 57979% 57980World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced 57981dress code! 57982% 57983Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair-- 57984It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere. 57985% 57986Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: 57987 August. The lift lines are the shortest, though. 57988 -- Steve Rubenstein 57989% 57990Worst Month of the Year: 57991 February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if 57992you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't 57993get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible. 57994 -- Steve Rubenstein 57995% 57996Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985: 57997 From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved 57998in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs 57999damage my videotapes?" 58000% 58001Worst Vegetable of the Year: 58002 Brussel sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year. 58003 -- Steve Rubenstein 58004% 58005Worth seeing? 58006Yes, but not worth going to see. 58007% 58008Worthless. 58009 -- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS 58010 (Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the 58011 Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the 58012 "analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September 58013 15, 1842. 58014% 58015Would it help if I got out and pushed? 58016 -- Princess Leia Organa 58017% 58018Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue. 58019 -- Alfieri 58020% 58021Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights? 58022% 58023Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake? 58024 -- John Heywood 58025% 58026Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction? 58027% 58028Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions? 58029% 58030Would you like to be tried in court by people 58031who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty? 58032% 58033Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!! 58034% 58035Would you please have another look at my nose and put in that cocaine 58036stuff ... 58037 -- Adolf Hitler, quoted by Dr. Giesing in Nuremberg 58038 trial testimony, 1947 58039% 58040Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight? 58041 -- George Carlin 58042% 58043"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" 58044 58045"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. 58046 -- Lewis Carroll 58047% 58048Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were 58049a turn-on? 58050 -- "Broadcast News" 58051% 58052Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. 58053 -- Mark Twain 58054% 58055Write a wise saying and your name will live forever. 58056 -- Anonymous 58057% 58058Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply. 58059% 58060Write-protect tab, n.: 58061 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly 58062left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error 58063message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the 58064momentary inconvenience. 58065 -- Robb Russon 58066% 58067Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear 58068witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity. Their conviction results 58069from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer's conveniences. 58070Every new medium of writing brings about new intensities of religious belief 58071and new schisms among believers. In the 16th century the printed book helped 58072make possible the split between Catholics and Protestants. In the 20th 58073century this history of tragedy and triumph is repeating itself as a farce. 58074Those who worship the Apple computer and those who put their faith in the IBM 58075PC are equally convinced that the other camp is damned or deluded. Each cult 58076holds in contempt the rituals and the laws of the other. Each thinks that it 58077is itself the one hope for salvation. 58078 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 58079% 58080Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. 58081 -- Frank Zappa 58082% 58083Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down. 58084% 58085Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of 58086paper until drops of blood form on your forehead. 58087 -- Gene Fowler 58088% 58089Writing is turning one's worst moments into money. 58090 -- J. P. Donleavy 58091% 58092Writing software is more fun than working. 58093% 58094WRONG! 58095% 58096"Wrong," said Renner. 58097 58098"The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with 58099the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'" 58100% 58101WYSIWYG: 58102 What You See Is What You Get. 58103% 58104X windows: 58105 Accept any substitute. 58106 If it's broke, don't fix it. 58107 If it ain't broke, fix it. 58108 Form follows malfunction. 58109 The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence. 58110 The trailing edge of software technology. 58111 Armageddon never looked so good. 58112 Japan's secret weapon. 58113 You'll envy the dead. 58114 Making the world safe for competing window systems. 58115 Let it get in YOUR way. 58116 The problem for your problem. 58117 If it starts working, we'll fix it. Pronto. 58118 It could be worse, but it'll take time. 58119 Simplicity made complex. 58120 The greatest productivity aid since typhoid. 58121 Flakey and built to stay that way. 58122 58123One thousand monkeys. One thousand MicroVAXes. One thousand years. 58124 X windows. 58125% 58126X windows: 58127 It's not how slow you make it. It's how you make it slow. 58128 The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1. 58129 Built to take on the world... and lose! 58130 Don't try it 'til you've knocked it. 58131 Power tools for Power Fools. 58132 Putting new limits on productivity. 58133 The closer you look, the cruftier we look. 58134 Design by counterexample. 58135 A new level of software disintegration. 58136 No hardware is safe. 58137 Do your time. 58138 Rationalization, not realization. 58139 Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest. 58140 Gratuitous incompatibility. 58141 Your mother. 58142 THE user interference management system. 58143 You can't argue with failure. 58144 You haven't died 'til you've used it. 58145 58146The environment of today... tomorrow! 58147 X windows. 58148% 58149X windows: 58150 Something you can be ashamed of. 58151 30%% more entropy than the leading window system. 58152 The first fully modular software disaster. 58153 Rome was destroyed in a day. 58154 Warn your friends about it. 58155 Climbing to new depths. Sinking to new heights. 58156 An accident that couldn't wait to happen. 58157 Don't wait for the movie. 58158 Never use it after a big meal. 58159 Need we say less? 58160 Plumbing the depths of human incompetence. 58161 It'll make your day. 58162 Don't get frustrated without it. 58163 Power tools for power losers. 58164 A software disaster of Biblical proportions. 58165 Never had it. Never will. 58166 The software with no visible means of support. 58167 More than just a generation behind. 58168 58169Hindenburg. Titanic. Edsel. 58170 X windows. 58171% 58172X windows: 58173 The ultimate bottleneck. 58174 Flawed beyond belief. 58175 The only thing you have to fear. 58176 Somewhere between chaos and insanity. 58177 On autopilot to oblivion. 58178 The joke that kills. 58179 A disgrace you can be proud of. 58180 A mistake carried out to perfection. 58181 Belongs more to the problem set than the solution set. 58182 To err is X windows. 58183 Ignorance is our most important resource. 58184 Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems. 58185 Built to fall apart. 58186 Nullifying centuries of progress. 58187 Falling to new depths of inefficiency. 58188 The last thing you need. 58189 The de facto substandard. 58190 58191Elevating brain damage to an art form. 58192 X windows. 58193% 58194X windows: 58195 We will dump no core before its time. 58196 One good crash deserves another. 58197 A bad idea whose time has come. And gone. 58198 We make excuses. 58199 It didn't even look good on paper. 58200 You laugh now, but you'll be laughing harder later! 58201 A new concept in abuser interfaces. 58202 How can something get so bad, so quickly? 58203 It could happen to you. 58204 The art of incompetence. 58205 You have nothing to lose but your lunch. 58206 When uselessness just isn't enough. 58207 More than a mere hindrance. It's a whole new barrier! 58208 When you can't afford to be right. 58209 And you thought we couldn't make it worse. 58210 58211If it works, it isn't X windows. 58212% 58213X windows: 58214 You'd better sit down. 58215 Don't laugh. It could be YOUR thesis project. 58216 Why do it right when you can do it wrong? 58217 Live the nightmare. 58218 Our bugs run faster. 58219 When it absolutely, positively HAS to crash overnight. 58220 There ARE no rules. 58221 You'll wish we were kidding. 58222 Everything you never wanted in a window system. And more. 58223 Dissatisfaction guaranteed. 58224 There's got to be a better way. 58225 The next best thing to keypunching. 58226 Leave the thrashing to us. 58227 We wrote the book on core dumps. 58228 Even your dog won't like it. 58229 More than enough rope. 58230 Garbage at your fingertips. 58231 58232Incompatibility. Shoddiness. Uselessness. 58233 X windows. 58234% 58235Xerox does it again and again and again and ... 58236% 58237Xerox never comes up with anything original. 58238% 58239XI: 58240 If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would 58241 get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty 58242 times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all 58243 the managers would fly off. 58244XII: 58245 It costs a lot to build bad products. 58246XIII: 58247 There are many highly successful businesses in the United States. 58248 There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to 58249 intermingle the two. 58250XIV: 58251 After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There will 58252 be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent 58253 of every airplane's weight. 58254XV: 58255 The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost 58256 and two-thirds of the problems. 58257 -- Norman Augustine 58258% 58259XIIdigitation, n.: 58260 The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made 58261 by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits. 58262 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 58263% 58264XLI: 58265 The more one produces, the less one gets. 58266XLII: 58267 Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing. 58268XLIII: 58269 Hardware works best when it matters the least. 58270XLIV: 58271 Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly 58272 direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the 58273 additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics. 58274XLV: 58275 One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the 58276 unexpected should have been expected. 58277XLVI: 58278 A billion saved is a billion earned. 58279 -- Norman Augustine 58280% 58281XLVII: 58282 Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The other 58283 third is covered with auditors from headquarters. 58284XLVIII: 58285 The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the 58286 less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about. 58287 Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less 58288 until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing. 58289XLIX: 58290 Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds. 58291L: 58292 The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a 58293 chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times 58294 as long as the official's who created it. 58295LI: 58296 By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more 58297 government workers than there are workers. 58298LII: 58299 People working in the private sector should try to save money. 58300 There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again. 58301 -- Norman Augustine 58302% 58303XML is a giant step in no direction at all. 58304 -- Erik Naggum 58305% 58306XML is like violence: if it doesn't solve your problem, you aren't using 58307enough of it. 58308 -- XML guru Chris Maden 58309% 58310X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the 58311imagination is the plot. 58312% 58313XVI: 58314 In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one 58315 aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and 58316 Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be 58317 made available to the Marines for the extra day. 58318XVII: 58319 Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing, 58320 and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e., it always increases. 58321XVIII: 58322 It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not uncommon 58323 to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of 58324 ten degradation accomplished. 58325XIX: 58326 Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will 58327 be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them. 58328XX: 58329 In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding 58330 approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the 58331 administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax. 58332 -- Norman Augustine 58333% 58334XXI: 58335 It's easy to get a loan unless you need it. 58336XXII: 58337 If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, 58338 not selling advice. 58339XXIII: 58340 Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is 58341 currently estimated. 58342XXIV: 58343 The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an 58344 established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most 58345 costly action known to man. 58346XXV: 58347 A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete 58348 or a new canvas to an artist. 58349 -- Norman Augustine 58350% 58351XXVI: 58352 If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each 58353 other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance. 58354XXVII: 58355 Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank. 58356XXVIII: 58357 It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee. 58358XXIX: 58359 Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their 58360 jobs only about five years. Those who produce effective results 58361 hang on about half a decade. 58362XXX: 58363 By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers, 58364 the people doing the work have lost track of the questions. 58365 -- Norman Augustine 58366% 58367XXXI: 58368 The optimum committee has no members. 58369XXXII: 58370 Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of 58371 turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold. 58372XXXIII: 58373 Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread. 58374XXXIV: 58375 The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work 58376 is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed 58377 randomly. 58378XXXV: 58379 The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion, 58380 the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give 58381 the data authenticity. 58382 -- Norman Augustine 58383% 58384XXXVI: 58385 The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar 58386 contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the 58387 proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other 58388 at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea. 58389XXXVII: 58390 Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect. 58391 The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much. 58392XXXVIII: 58393 The early bird gets the worm. 58394 The early worm ... gets eaten. 58395XXXIX: 58396 Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of 58397 the year -- in either direction. 58398XL: 58399 Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off. 58400 -- Norman Augustine 58401% 58402Ya know, Quaker Oats make you feel good twice! 58403% 58404Yacc owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have 58405goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in 58406their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating 58407unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my 58408doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right. 58409 -- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgments" 58410% 58411Y'all hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some 58412rays and became a tangent ? 58413% 58414Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id. 58415 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary 58416% 58417Yea from the table of my memory 58418I'll wipe away all trivial fond records. 58419 -- Hamlet 58420% 58421Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall 58422fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic 58423operators together. 58424 -- Steve Higgins 58425% 58426Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context. 58427% 58428Yeah, God is dead, he laughed himself to death. 58429% 58430Yeah, if it looks like a duck, and walks like 58431a duck, and quacks like a duck -- shoot it. 58432% 58433Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead, 58434the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm 58435a private eye. 58436 -- Calvin 58437% 58438Yeah, there are more important things in life than money, 58439but they won't go out with you if you don't have any. 58440% 58441Year Name James Bond Book 58442---- -------------------------------- -------------- ---- 5844350's James Bond TV Series Barry Nelson 584441962 Dr. No Sean Connery 1958 584451963 From Russia With Love Sean Connery 1957 584461964 Goldfinger Sean Connery 1959 584471965 Thunderball Sean Connery 1961 584481967* Casino Royale David Niven 1954 584491967 You Only Live Twice Sean Connery 1964 584501969 On Her Majesty's Secret Service George Lazenby 1963 584511971 Diamonds Are Forever Sean Connery 1956 584521973 Live And Let Die Roger Moore 1955 584531974 The Man With The Golden Gun Roger Moore 1965 584541977 The Spy Who Loved Me Roger Moore 1962 (novelette) 584551979 Moonraker Roger Moore 1955 584561981 For Your Eyes Only Roger Moore 1960 (novelette) 584571983 Octopussy Roger Moore 1965 584581983* Never Say Never Again Sean Connery 584591985 A View To A Kill Roger Moore 1960 (novelette) 584601987 The Living Daylights Timothy Dalton 1965 (novelette) 58461 * -- Not a Broccoli production 58462% 58463Year, n.: 58464 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. 58465 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 58466% 58467Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache. 58468% 58469Yes, but which self do you want to be? 58470% 58471Yes, I was surprised how easy it was to cut the door off my cat. 58472 -- James D. Nicoll 58473% 58474Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those 58475L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l. 58476 -- Rita Rudner 58477% 58478Yes me, I got a bottle in front of me. 58479And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy. 58480Just different ways to kill the pain the same. 58481But I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, 58482Than to have to have a frontal lobotomy. 58483I might be drunk but at least I'm not insane. 58484 -- Randy Ansley M.D. (Dr. Rock) 58485% 58486Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars and, Pluto, but not necessarily in 58487that order. 58488 -- George Michaelson 58489% 58490Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still 58491be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. 58492 -- Snoopy 58493% 58494Yesterday upon the stair 58495I met a man who wasn't there. 58496He wasn't there again today -- 58497I think he's from the CIA. 58498% 58499Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most 58500astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God 58501I'm not respectable. 58502 -- Ruthven Campbell Todd 58503% 58504Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty 58505feet. 58506 -- John Cheever 58507% 58508Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again. 58509 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 58510% 58511Yinkel, n.: 58512 A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, 58513 hoping no one will notice. 58514 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 58515% 58516You ain't learning nothing when you're talking. 58517% 58518You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty 58519spray paint cans in a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb. 58520% 58521You are a bundle of energy, always on the go. 58522% 58523You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here. 58524% 58525You are a taxi driver. Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in 58526use for only seven years. One of its windshield wipers is broken, and 58527the carburetor needs adjusting. The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the 58528moment is only three-quarters full. How old is the taxi driver?" 58529% 58530You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are. 58531% 58532You are a wish to be here wishing yourself. 58533 -- Philip Whalen 58534% 58535You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind. 58536 -- Sherlock Holmes 58537% 58538You are always busy. 58539% 58540You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. 58541% 58542You are an insult to my intelligence! 58543I demand that you log off immediately. 58544% 58545You are as I am with You. 58546% 58547You are capable of planning your future. 58548% 58549You are confused; but this is your normal state. 58550% 58551You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances. 58552% 58553You are destined to become the commandant of the 58554fighting men of the department of transportation. 58555% 58556You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend. 58557% 58558You are fairminded, just and loving. 58559% 58560You are false data. 58561% 58562You are farsighted, a good planner, 58563an ardent lover, and a faithful friend. 58564% 58565You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way. 58566% 58567You are going to have a new love affair. 58568% 58569You are here: 58570 *** 58571 *** 58572 ********* 58573 ******* 58574 ***** 58575 *** 58576 * 58577 58578 But you're not all there. 58579% 58580You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike. 58581% 58582You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different. 58583% 58584You are in the hall of the mountain king. 58585% 58586You are lost in the Swamps of Despair. 58587% 58588You are loved by the multitudes. 58589Have you been to the clinic lately? 58590% 58591You are magnetic in your bearing. 58592% 58593You are never given a wish without also being given the 58594power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however. 58595 -- R. Bach, 58596 "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul" 58597% 58598You are not a fool just because you have done 58599something foolish -- only if the folly of it escapes you. 58600% 58601You are not dead yet. 58602But watch for further reports. 58603% 58604You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing 58605forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are 58606avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day. 58607 -- Ambrose Bierce 58608% 58609You are now in Atlanta, Georgia. 58610Please set your clocks back 200 years. 58611% 58612You are number 6! Who is number one? 58613% 58614"You are old, Father William," the young man said, 58615 "All your papers these days look the same; 58616Those William's would be better unread -- 58617 Do these facts never fill you with shame?" 58618 58619"In my youth," Father William replied to his son, 58620 "I wrote wonderful papers galore; 58621But the great reputation I found that I'd won, 58622 Made it pointless to think any more." 58623% 58624"You are old, father William," the young man said, 58625 "And your hair has become very white; 58626And yet you incessantly stand on your head -- 58627 Do you think, at your age, it is right?" 58628 58629"In my youth," father William replied to his son, 58630 "I feared it might injure the brain; 58631But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, 58632 Why, I do it again and again." 58633 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) 58634% 58635"You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers 58636 That your lectures bore people to death. 58637Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year -- 58638 Don't you think that you should save your breath?" 58639 58640"I have answered three questions and that is enough," 58641 Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs! 58642Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? 58643 Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!" 58644% 58645"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak 58646 For anything tougher than suet; 58647Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak -- 58648 Pray, how did you manage to do it?" 58649 58650"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law, 58651 And argued each case with my wife; 58652And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw, 58653 Has lasted the rest of my life." 58654 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) 58655% 58656"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run, 58657 And there isn't one language you like; 58658Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none -- 58659 Have you thought about taking a hike?" 58660 58661"Since I never write programs," his father replied, 58662 "Every language looks equally bad; 58663Yet the people keep paying to read all my books 58664 And don't realize that they've been had." 58665% 58666"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, 58667 And have grown most uncommonly fat; 58668Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door -- 58669 Pray what is the reason of that?" 58670 58671"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks, 58672 "I kept all my limbs very supple 58673By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box -- 58674 Allow me to sell you a couple?" 58675 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) 58676% 58677"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, 58678 And make errors few people could bear; 58679You complain about everyone's English but yours -- 58680 Do you really think this is quite fair?" 58681 58682"I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared, 58683 "But my stature these days is so great 58684That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared, 58685 And to stop me it's now far too late." 58686% 58687"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose 58688 That your eye was as steady as ever; 58689Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose -- 58690 What made you so awfully clever?" 58691 58692"I have answered three questions, and that is enough," 58693 Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs! 58694Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? 58695 Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!" 58696 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" (1865) 58697% 58698You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. 58699% 58700You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. 58701Therefore you have few friends. 58702% 58703You are sick, twisted and perverted. 58704I like that in a person. 58705% 58706You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep. 58707% 58708You are standing on my toes. 58709% 58710You are taking yourself far too seriously. 58711% 58712You are the only person to ever get this message. 58713% 58714You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who 58715points to you and says, "Them's fighting words!" You immediately get 58716attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra 58717chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a 58718gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a 58719rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy 58720trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a 58721vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyrannosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch 58722long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is 58723dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your 58724head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves 58725are making mince meat out of your torso, and the wizard is about to 58726transport you to the corner of Westwood and Broxton. Oh dear, you seem 58727to have gotten yourself killed, as well. 58728 58729You scored 0 out of 250 possible points. 58730That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer. 58731To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points. 58732% 58733You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading 58734this sort of trash. 58735% 58736You ask what a nice girl will do? 58737She won't give an inch, but she won't say no. 58738 -- Marcus Valerius Martialis 58739% 58740You attempt things that you do not even plan 58741because of your extreme stupidity. 58742% 58743You auto buy now. 58744% 58745You buttered your bread, now lie in it! 58746% 58747You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard. A justice of the 58748peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill. In the 58749municipal courts, he will cost you ten. In the circuit or superior 58750courts, he wants fifteen. The state appellate courts or the state 58751supreme court is on a par with the Federal courts. By the time a judge 58752reaches such courts, he is middle-aged, thick around the middle, fat 58753between the ears. He's heavy. You can't buy a Federal judge for less 58754than a twenty-dollar bill. 58755 -- Jake "Greasy Thumb" Guzik 58756% 58757You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove. 58758 -- Tim Leary 58759% 58760You can always tell luck from ability by its duration. 58761% 58762You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting 58763incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail. 58764Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable 58765to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because 58766nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes 58767they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year; 58768some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years. 58769 58770The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then 58771pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear 58772safety glasses. 58773 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" 58774% 58775You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier. 58776They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs. 58777% 58778You can approach truth, but never capture it. 58779Lies can be had 'round the corner. 58780 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 58781% 58782You can be replaced by this computer. 58783% 58784You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault. 58785 -- Katharine Fullerton Gerould 58786% 58787You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it 58788doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on. 58789 -- Hepler, Systems Design 182, University of Washington 58790% 58791You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you 58792know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains... 58793they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment 58794they cross the mountains into California, they go insane. 58795 -- Quentin Genter 58796% 58797You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long. 58798 -- Boris Yeltsin 58799% 58800You can cage a swallow, can't you, 58801 but you can't swallow a cage, can you? 58802Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy, 58803 finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl. 58804A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama! 58805 -- The Palindromist 58806% 58807You can create your own opportunities this week. 58808Blackmail a senior executive. 58809% 58810You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow. 58811 -- Janis Joplin 58812% 58813You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. 58814Why do you find that funny? 58815 -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350, University of Washington 58816% 58817You can do very well in speculation where 58818land or anything to do with dirt is concerned. 58819% 58820You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead. 58821% 58822You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right 58823and the budget is big enough. 58824 -- Joseph E. Levine 58825% 58826You can fool some of the people all of the time and all 58827of the people some of the time, but you can never fool your Mom. 58828% 58829You can fool some of the people all of the time, 58830and all of the people some of the time, 58831but you can make a fool of yourself anytime. 58832% 58833You can fool some of the people some of the time, 58834and some of the people all of the time, and that is sufficient. 58835% 58836You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough. 58837% 58838You can get everything in life you want, 58839if you will help enough other people get what they want. 58840% 58841You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you 58842can with just a kind word. 58843 -- Bumper Sticker 58844% 58845You can get much further with a kind word and a 58846gun than you can with a kind word alone. 58847 -- Al Capone 58848 [Also attributed to Johnny Carson. Ed.] 58849% 58850You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to? 58851% 58852You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. 58853% 58854You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend, 58855You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end. 58856 58857(chorus) Grovel, grovel, grovel, every night and every day, 58858 Grovel, grovel, grovel, in your own peculiar way. 58859 58860You can grovel in a hallway, you can grovel in a park, 58861You can grovel in an alley with a mugger after dark. 58862(chorus) 58863 58864You can grovel with your uncle, you can grovel with your aunt, 58865You can grovel with your Apple, even though you say you can't. 58866(chorus) 58867% 58868You can have a dog as a friend. You can have whiskey as a friend. But 58869if you have a woman as a friend, you're going to wind up drunk and kissing 58870your dog. 58871 -- foolin' around 58872% 58873You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. 58874Don't ever count on having both at once. 58875 -- Lazarus Long 58876% 58877You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy. 58878 -- Joe Valachi 58879% 58880You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, 58881for instance. 58882 -- Franklin P. Jones 58883% 58884You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular. 58885% 58886You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on 58887the continuing viability of FORTRAN. 58888 -- Alan J. Perlis 58889% 58890You can move the world with an idea, 58891but you have to think of it first. 58892% 58893You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you. 58894% 58895You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake. 58896 -- Jeannette Rankin 58897% 58898You can not get anything worthwhile done without raising a sweat. 58899 -- The First Law Of Thermodynamics 58900 58901What ever you want is going to cost a little more than it is worth. 58902 -- The Second Law Of Thermodynamics 58903 58904You can not win the game, and you are not allowed to stop playing. 58905 -- The Third Law Of Thermodynamics 58906% 58907You can now buy more gates with less 58908specifications than at any other time in history. 58909 -- Kenneth Parker 58910% 58911You can observe a lot just by watching. 58912 -- Yogi Berra 58913% 58914You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. 58915% 58916You can rent this space for only $5 a week. 58917% 58918You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding 58919decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left 58920over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart. 58921 -- F. Allen 58922% 58923You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of 58924supercomputers. 58925 -- Steven Feiner 58926% 58927You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements. 58928 -- Norman Douglas 58929% 58930You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. 58931% 58932You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename. 58933 -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454, 58934 University of Washington 58935% 58936You canna change the laws of physics, Captain; 58937I've got to have thirty minutes! 58938% 58939You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. 58940% 58941You cannot choose your battlefield, the gods do that for you. 58942But you can plant a standard where a standard never flew. 58943 -- Nathalia Crane 58944% 58945You cannot have a science without measurement. 58946 -- R. W. Hamming 58947% 58948You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. 58949% 58950You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. 58951% 58952You cannot see the wood for the trees. 58953 -- John Heywood 58954% 58955You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist. 58956 -- Indira Gandhi 58957% 58958You cannot use your friends and have them too. 58959% 58960You can't break eggs without making an omelet. 58961% 58962You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks. 58963% 58964You can't cheat an honest man, never give 58965a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump. 58966 -- W. C. Fields 58967% 58968You can't cheat the phone company. 58969% 58970You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps. 58971% 58972You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up. 58973 -- Richard M. Nixon (1952) 58974% 58975You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up. 58976 -- Peter Frampton 58977% 58978You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school. 58979 -- H. H. Munro 58980% 58981"You can't expect a mother to be with a small child all the time", 58982Margaret Mead once remarked, with her usual good sense, but in 1978 58983she shocked feminists by snapping that women don't really have 58984children to put them in day care twelve hours a day, either. 58985 -- Caroline Bird, "The Two Paycheck Marriage" 58986% 58987You can't fall off the floor. 58988% 58989You can't get there from here. 58990% 58991You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME. 58992% 58993You can't have everything. Where would you put it? 58994 -- Steven Wright 58995% 58996You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too. 58997 -- Ayn Rand 58998% 58999You can't hold a man down without staying down with him. 59000 -- Booker T. Washington 59001% 59002You can't hug a child with nuclear arms. 59003% 59004You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair. 59005% 59006You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly -- 59007only sooner than she thought you would. 59008% 59009You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle 59010is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency. 59011 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle" 59012% 59013You can't make a program without broken egos. 59014% 59015You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane. 59016% 59017You can't play your friends like marks, kid. 59018 -- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting" 59019% 59020You can't push on a string. 59021% 59022You can't run away forever, 59023But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start. 59024 -- Jim Steinman, "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through" 59025% 59026You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you a 59027new way. 59028 -- Will Rogers 59029% 59030You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. 59031You get spastic enough worrying about what's happening now. 59032 -- Lauren Bacall 59033% 59034You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten. 59035 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and 59036 Over and Over" 59037% 59038You can't take damsel here now. 59039% 59040You can't take it with you -- 59041especially when crossing a state line. 59042% 59043You can't teach people to be lazy -- 59044either they have it, or they don't. 59045 -- Dagwood Bumstead 59046% 59047You climb to reach the summit, but once 59048there, discover that all roads lead down. 59049 -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad" 59050% 59051You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first 59052and last month in advance. 59053% 59054You could live a better life, if you 59055had a better mind and a better body. 59056% 59057You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable 59058doubt. 59059 -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict 59060% 59061You definitely intend to start living sometime soon. 59062% 59063You dialed 5483. 59064% 59065You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy. 59066% 59067You do not have mail. 59068% 59069You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one. 59070% 59071You don't have to be nice to people on the way up 59072if you're not planning on coming back down. 59073 -- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie" 59074% 59075You don't have to explain something you never said. 59076 -- Calvin Coolidge 59077% 59078You don't have to know how the computer 59079works, just how to work the computer. 59080% 59081You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. 59082 -- J. D. Salinger 59083% 59084You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina. 59085 -- Guindon 59086% 59087You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting 59088needles. 59089 -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food 59090% 59091You enjoy the company of other people. 59092% 59093You feel a whole lot more like you do 59094now than you did when you used to. 59095% 59096You fill a much-needed gap. 59097% 59098You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. 59099The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified", 59100which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears 59101tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last 59102names. Here's the complete text: 59103 59104 "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT) 59105 "(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT) 59106 "(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to 59107 send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF 59108 THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME) 59109 household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way 59110 you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST 59111 NAME), that it pays to file the short form!" 59112 59113The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your 59114money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long 59115form. 59116 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 59117% 59118You first parent of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple, 59119what might you have done for a truffled turkey? 59120 -- Brillat-Savarin, "Physiologie du go^ut" 59121% 59122You get along very well with everyone except animals and people. 59123% 59124You get what you pay for. 59125 -- Gabriel Biel 59126% 59127You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me 59128from your own life. May it all turn out to your happiness. 59129 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 59130% 59131You go down to the pickup station, 59132 craving warmth and beauty; 59133You settle for less than fascination -- 59134 a few drinks later you're not so choosy. 59135And the closing lights strip off the shadows 59136 on this strange new flesh you've found -- 59137Clutching the night to you like a fig leaf 59138 you hurry to the blackness 59139 and the blankets to lay down an impression 59140 and your loneliness. 59141 -- Joni Mitchell 59142% 59143You got to be very careful if you don't know 59144where you're going, because you might not get there. 59145 -- Yogi Berra 59146% 59147You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues, 59148And you know it don't come easy ... 59149I don't ask for much, I only want trust, 59150And you know it don't come easy ... 59151% 59152You guys have been practicing discrimination for years. 59153Now it's our turn. 59154 -- Thurgood Marshall, quoted by Justice Douglas 59155% 59156You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it! 59157% 59158You had mail. 59159Paul read it, so ask him what it said. 59160% 59161You had some happiness once, 59162but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind. 59163% 59164You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music. 59165% 59166You have a deep interest in all that is artistic. 59167% 59168You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister). 59169% 59170You have a message from the operator. 59171% 59172You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy. 59173A pity that it's totally undeserved. 59174% 59175You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex. 59176% 59177You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex. 59178% 59179You have a strong desire for a home 59180and your family interests come first. 59181% 59182You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers. 59183% 59184You have a truly strong individuality. 59185% 59186You have a will that can be influenced 59187by all with whom you come in contact. 59188% 59189You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More-- 59190 59191This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More-- 59192 59193You are permanently confused. 59194 -- Dave Decot 59195% 59196You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead. 59197 -- Lois Platford 59198% 59199You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: 59200a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner. 59201 -- Aristophanes 59202% 59203You have an ability to sense and know higher truth. 59204% 59205You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself. 59206% 59207You have an unusual equipment for success. 59208Be sure to use it properly. 59209% 59210You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to 59211metal objects which are not fastened down. 59212% 59213You have an unusual understanding of 59214the problems of human relationships. 59215% 59216You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive. 59217 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet" 59218% 59219You have been selected for a secret mission. 59220% 59221You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy. 59222% 59223You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business. 59224% 59225You have junk mail. 59226% 59227You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop. 59228% 59229You have mail. 59230% 59231You have many friends and very few living enemies. 59232% 59233You have no real enemies. 59234% 59235You have not converted a man because you have silenced him. 59236 -- John Viscount Morley 59237% 59238You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married 59239and few words in your sleep to get divorced. 59240% 59241You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets 59242wrinkled. 59243% 59244You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. 59245You'll learn a lot today. 59246% 59247You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact. 59248% 59249You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are. 59250If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster. 59251 -- Lewis Carroll, 59252 "Through the Looking-Glass, 59253 and What Alice Found There" (1871) 59254% 59255You humans are all alike. 59256% 59257You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me 59258at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very 59259simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..." 59260% 59261You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up! 59262 -- Dylan Thomas 59263% 59264You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke? 59265 -- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus 59266% 59267You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred. 59268 -- Superchicken 59269% 59270You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if 59271you ask that dog what his favorite formatter is, 59272and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to... 59273% 59274You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it. 59275 -- Maharbal 59276% 59277You know if they ever find a way to harness sarcasm as an energy source, 59278you people are all going to owe me big. 59279 -- Bill Paul 59280% 59281You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes 59282you wore home from the party and there aren't any. 59283% 59284You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower, 59285start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm. 59286 -- Dean Webber 59287% 59288You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday. 59289 -- Garfield 59290% 59291You know my heart keeps tellin' me, 59292You're not a kid at thirty-three, 59293You play around you lose your wife, 59294You play too long, you lose your life. 59295Some gotta win, some gotta lose, 59296Goodtime Charlie's got the blues. 59297% 59298You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, 59299are now extinct. 59300 -- W. Somerset Maugham 59301% 59302You know, the difference between this company and 59303the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers. 59304% 59305You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens 59306anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night, 59307you can always change the channel. 59308 -- Jim Ignatowski 59309% 59310You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends 59311on whether [the press] fear you. It is just as simple as that. 59312 -- Richard M. Nixon 59313% 59314You know what I wish? I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat 59315and I had my hands about it. 59316 -- Rorschach, "Watchmen" 59317% 59318You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language 59319is revenge. 59320 -- Peter Beard 59321% 59322You know what we can be like: See a guy and think he's cute one minute, the 59323next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see 59324him having an extramarital affair. By the time someone says "I'd like you to 59325meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!" 59326 -- Cynthia Heimel, "A Girl's Guide to Chaos" 59327% 59328You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit. 59329 -- E. A. Gilliam 59330% 59331You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo. 59332 -- S. Rickly Christian 59333% 59334You know your apartment is small... 59335 when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time. 59336 you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window. 59337 you have to go outside to change your mind. 59338 you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet. 59339% 59340You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car. 59341 -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82 59342% 59343You know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your 59344daughter for camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her 59345mother is allowed to take. 59346% 59347You know you're in a small town when... 59348 You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going. 59349 You're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local 59350 merchants because you're the first baby of the year. 59351 Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't. 59352 You speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail. 59353 You dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway. 59354 You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway. 59355% 59356You know you're in trouble when... 593571) You wake up face down on the pavement. 593582) Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache. 593593) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes 59360 out of the city. 593614) Your twin sister forgot your birthday. 593625) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then 59363 remember that you don't have a waterbed. 593646) Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate. 59365% 59366You know you're in trouble when... 593671) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you 59368 follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway. 593692) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party 59370 and there aren't any. 593713) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat. 593724) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard. 593735) You wake up and your braces are locked together. 593746) Your mother approves of the person you're dating. 59375% 59376You know you're in trouble when... 59377(1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind 59378 her own business. 59379(2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better. 59380(3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold. 59381(4) You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office. 59382(5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. 59383(6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to 59384 flush a grapefruit down the toilet. 59385(7) You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box. 59386% 59387You know you're in trouble when... 59388(1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your 59389 skirt is caught in your pantyhose. 59390(2) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife. 59391(3) Your income tax check bounces. 59392(4) You put both contact lenses in the same eye. 59393(5) Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George. 59394(6) You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day 59395 after you bought a waterbed. 59396(7) You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk 59397 clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party 59398 for your spouse. 59399% 59400You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long 59401when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to 59402make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie 59403chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one. 59404% 59405You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your 59406friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it. 59407% 59408You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi. 59409% 59410You learn to write as if to someone else 59411because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE". 59412% 59413You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances. 59414% 59415You lived with a man who wore white belts? 59416Laura, I'm disappointed in you. 59417 -- Remington Steele 59418% 59419You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled. 59420% 59421You look tired. 59422% 59423You love peace. 59424% 59425You love your home and want it to be beautiful. 59426% 59427You may already be a loser. 59428 -- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield 59429% 59430You may be gone tomorrow, but that 59431doesn't mean that you weren't here today. 59432% 59433You may be infinitely smaller than some things, 59434but you're infinitely larger than others. 59435% 59436You may be recognized soon. Hide. 59437% 59438You may be right, I may be crazy, 59439But maybe it's a lunatic you're looking for? 59440 -- Billy Joel 59441% 59442You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he 59443is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing. 59444 -- Sydney Harris 59445% 59446You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card 59447That a young man married is a young man marred. 59448 -- Rudyard Kipling, "The Story of the Gadsbys" 59449% 59450You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with 59451him. 59452 -- Edgar W. Howe 59453% 59454You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it! 59455% 59456You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. 59457 -- Alfred Kahn 59458% 59459You may my glories and my state dispose, 59460But not my griefs; still am I king of those. 59461 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" 59462% 59463You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but 59464you sure as hell can tell how much it's going to cost. 59465% 59466You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will 59467be sold. 59468% 59469You mean you didn't *know* she was off 59470making lots of little phone companies? 59471% 59472You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for 59473success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits 59474or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume 59475party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World. 59476 -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success" 59477% 59478You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the 59479obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and 59480an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you. 59481 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder" 59482% 59483You might have mail. 59484% 59485You might like to know that I looked at a detailed map of NT, and I'm 59486now able to confirm that in all probability Microsoft NT does not 59487exist. If it does, it's so small as to be completely insignificant. 59488 -- Greg Lehey 59489% 59490You must dine in our cafeteria. 59491You can eat dirt cheap there!!!! 59492% 59493You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property 59494and services if it is not specifically exempt. Report property (goods) 59495and services at their fair market values. Examples include income from 59496bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent 59497paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.), 59498cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services, 59499gambling, prizes and awards. Not reporting such income can lead to 59500prosecution for perjury and fraud. 59501 -- Excerpt from Taxachussettes income tax forms 59502% 59503You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty 59504to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties 59505are merely deputies of that one. 59506 -- Nero Wolfe 59507% 59508You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable 59509proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do. 59510% 59511You need more time; and you probably always will. 59512% 59513You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll 59514be dead. 59515% 59516You need not worry about your future. 59517% 59518You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a 59519reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating 59520the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for 59521independence. 59522 -- Charles A. Beard 59523% 59524You never gain something but that you lose something. 59525 -- Thoreau 59526% 59527You never get a second chance to make a first impression. 59528% 59529You never go anywhere without your soul. 59530% 59531You never have to change anything you 59532got up in the middle of the night to write. 59533 -- Saul Bellow 59534% 59535You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems. 59536% 59537You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the 59538beach. 59539% 59540You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough. 59541 -- William Blake 59542% 59543You never learned anything by doing it right. 59544% 59545You notice that after Ginzburg admitted he had tried marijuana everyone 59546got in line to admit it, too. But you also notice they all said they 59547"experimented" with marijuana. The didn't "use" it; they "experimented" 59548with it. Let me tell you something -- Jonas Salk "experiments"; these 59549guys were getting stoned! 59550 -- Johnny Carson 59551% 59552You now have Asian Flu. 59553% 59554You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were 59555you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare 59556yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the 59557company. 59558 -- J. Wellington Wells 59559% 59560You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat. 59561% 59562You plan things that you do not even 59563attempt because of your extreme caution. 59564% 59565You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. 59566% 59567You prefer the company of the opposite 59568sex, but are well liked by your own. 59569% 59570You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could 59571know how seldom they do. 59572 -- Olin Miller 59573% 59574You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite. 59575% 59576You roll my log, and I will roll yours. 59577 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca 59578% 59579You say potatoe, 59580And I say potato. 59581You say tomatoe, 59582And I say tomato. 59583Potatoe, potato, 59584Tomatoe, tomato. 59585Let's go be the Vice President... 59586% 59587You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours. 59588% 59589You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty 59590attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool 59591takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge 59592which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with 59593a lot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it. 59594Now the skillful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his 59595brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing 59596his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect 59597order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and 59598can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every 59599addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of 59600the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out 59601the useful ones. 59602 -- Sherlock Holmes 59603% 59604You see things; and you say "Why?" 59605But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?" 59606 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah" 59607 [No, it wasn't John F. Kennedy. Ed.] 59608% 59609You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull 59610his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you 59611understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send 59612signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that 59613there is no cat. 59614 -- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio 59615% 59616You seek to shield those you love 59617and you like the role of the provider. 59618% 59619You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed. 59620% 59621You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends. 59622 -- Joseph Conrad 59623% 59624You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think. 59625% 59626You should emulate your heroes, but don't carry it too far. Especially 59627if they are dead. 59628% 59629You should go home. 59630% 59631You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except 59632incest and folk-dancing. 59633 -- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth" 59634% 59635You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than 59636about 10^12 to 1. 59637 -- Ernest Rutherford 59638% 59639You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team, 59640because if the plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat! 59641 -- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip 59642% 59643You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for 59644freedom and liberty. 59645 -- Henrik Ibsen 59646% 59647You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, 59648contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from 59649houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many 59650scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the 59651summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day, 59652you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist 59653sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily. 59654 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 59655% 59656You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name, 59657another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and 59658another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms 59659such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In 59660many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money. 59661If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you 59662should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate 59663for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it 59664because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially 59665chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit. 59666 59667In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his 59668hemorrhoids. 59669 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 59670% 59671You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a 59672plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture. 59673 -- Business Professor, University of Georgia 59674% 59675You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh. 59676 -- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children" 59677% 59678You shouldn't wallow in self-pity. But it's OK to put 59679your feet in it and swish them around a little. 59680 -- Guindon 59681% 59682You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess. 59683% 59684You teach best what you most need to learn. 59685% 59686You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother. 59687% 59688YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING! 59689 59690Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be 59691a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really 59692important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best." 59693 59694Mr. Watkins had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward 59695to was a dead-end job as an engineer. Now I have a promising future and 59696make really big Zorkmids." 59697 59698MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when 59699you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter. 59700 59701 SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY! 59702% 59703You too can wear a nose mitten. 59704% 59705You tread upon my patience. 59706 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 59707% 59708You two ought to be more careful-- 59709your love could drag on for years and years. 59710% 59711You want to know why I kept getting promoted? 59712Because my mouth knows more than my brain. 59713 -- W. G. 59714% 59715You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like. 59716% 59717You will always have good luck in your personal affairs. 59718% 59719You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home. 59720% 59721You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. 59722% 59723You will be advanced socially, 59724without any special effort on your part. 59725% 59726You will be aided greatly by a person 59727whom you thought to be unimportant. 59728% 59729You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of 59730a lion, and the face of Donald Duck. 59731% 59732You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service. 59733% 59734You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone. 59735% 59736You will be awarded some great honor. 59737% 59738You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously. 59739% 59740You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble. 59741% 59742You will be dead within a year. 59743% 59744You will be divorced within a year. 59745% 59746You will be given a post of trust and responsibility. 59747% 59748You will be held hostage by a radical group. 59749% 59750You will be honored for contributing 59751your time and skill to a worthy cause. 59752% 59753You will be imprisoned for contributing 59754your time and skill to a bank robbery. 59755% 59756You will be married within a year. 59757% 59758You will be married within a year, and divorced within two. 59759% 59760You will be misunderstood by everyone. 59761% 59762You will be recognized and honored as a community leader. 59763% 59764You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier. 59765% 59766You will be run over by a beer truck. 59767% 59768You will be run over by a bus. 59769% 59770You will be singled out for promotion in your work. 59771% 59772You will be successful in love. 59773% 59774You will be surprised by a loud noise. 59775% 59776You will be surrounded by luxury. 59777% 59778You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler. 59779% 59780You will be the victim of a bizarre joke. 59781% 59782You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself. 59783% 59784You will be traveling and coming into a fortune. 59785% 59786You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery. 59787% 59788You will become rich and famous unless you don't. 59789% 59790You will contract a rare disease. 59791% 59792You will engage in a profitable business activity. 59793% 59794You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass. 59795% 59796You will feel hungry again in another hour. 59797% 59798You will find me drinking gin 59799In the lowest kind of inn, 59800Because I am a rigid Vegetarian. 59801 -- G. K. Chesterton 59802% 59803You will forget that you ever knew me. 59804% 59805You will gain money by a fattening action. 59806% 59807You will gain money by a speculation or lottery. 59808% 59809You will gain money by an illegal action. 59810% 59811You will gain money by an immoral action. 59812% 59813You will get what you deserve. 59814% 59815You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford. 59816% 59817You will have a head crash on your private pack. 59818% 59819You will have a long and boring life. 59820% 59821You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor. 59822% 59823You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends. 59824% 59825You will have good luck and overcome many hardships. 59826% 59827You will have long and healthy life. 59828% 59829You will have many recoverable tape errors. 59830% 59831You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you. 59832% 59833You will inherit millions of dollars. 59834% 59835You will inherit some money or a small piece of land. 59836% 59837You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money. 59838% 59839You will live to see your grandchildren. 59840% 59841You will lose an important disk file. 59842% 59843You will lose an important tape file. 59844% 59845You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door 59846mayonnaise salesman. 59847% 59848You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally. 59849% 59850You will never amount to much. 59851 -- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10 59852% 59853You will never know hunger. 59854% 59855You will not be elected to public office this year. 59856% 59857You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears. 59858% 59859You will outgrow your usefulness. 59860% 59861You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates. 59862% 59863You will pass away very quickly. 59864% 59865You will pay for your sins. 59866If you have already paid, please disregard this message. 59867% 59868You will pioneer the first Martian colony. 59869% 59870You will probably marry after a very brief courtship. 59871% 59872You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession. 59873% 59874You will receive a legacy which will place you above want. 59875% 59876You will remember something that you should not have forgotten. 59877% 59878You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the Abernetty family 59879was first brought to my notice by the depth which the parsley had sunk into 59880the butter upon a hot day. 59881 -- Sherlock Holmes 59882% 59883You will soon forget this. 59884% 59885You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life. 59886% 59887You will step on the night soil of many countries. 59888% 59889You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, 59890but only because your brakes are defective. 59891% 59892You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes. 59893% 59894You will triumph over your enemy. 59895% 59896You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon. 59897% 59898You will win success in whatever calling you adopt. 59899% 59900You will wish you hadn't. 59901% 59902You won't skid if you stay in a rut. 59903 -- Frank Hubbard 59904% 59905You work very hard. Don't try to think as well. 59906% 59907You worry too much about your job. 59908Stop it. You are not paid enough to worry. 59909% 59910"You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems 59911of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note. 59912Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care. 59913Because death is momentous, give it no thought; because victory is important, 59914give it no thought; because the method of achievement and discovery is less 59915momentous than the effect, dwell always upon the method. You will strengthen 59916yourself in this way." 59917 -- Jessica Salmonson, "The Swordswoman" 59918% 59919You would if you could but you can't so you won't. 59920% 59921You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't 59922be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway. 59923 -- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell 59924% 59925You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a 59926taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a 59927minute and a huff. 59928 -- Groucho Marx 59929% 59930You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control. 59931 -- Smile, "Was (Not Was)" 59932% 59933You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow. 59934% 59935You'll always be, 59936What you always were, 59937Which has nothing to do with, 59938All to do, with her. 59939 -- Company 59940% 59941You'll be called to a post requiring 59942ability in handling groups of people. 59943% 59944You'll be sorry... 59945% 59946You'll feel devilish tonight. 59947Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel. 59948% 59949You'll feel much better once you've given up hope. 59950% 59951You'll never be the man your mother was! 59952% 59953You'll never see all the places, or read all the 59954books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended. 59955% 59956You'll wish that you had done some of the 59957hard things when they were easier to do. 59958% 59959Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for 59960counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business. For the 59961experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth 59962them; but in new things, abuseth them. The errors of young men are the ruin 59963of business; but the errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might 59964have been done, or sooner. Young men, in the conduct and management of 59965actions, embrace more than they can hold; stir more than they can quiet; fly 59966to the end, without consideration of the means and degrees; pursue some few 59967principles which they have chanced upon absurdly; care not how they innovate, 59968which draws unknown inconveniences; and, that which doubleth all errors, will 59969not acknowledge or retract them; like an unready horse, that will neither stop 59970nor turn. Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little, 59971repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but 59972content themselves with a mediocrity of success. Certainly, it is good to 59973compound employments of both ... because the virtues of either age may correct 59974the defects of both. 59975 -- Francis Bacon, "Essay on Youth and Age" 59976% 59977Young men, hear an old man to whom 59978old men hearkened when he was young. 59979 -- Augustus Caesar 59980% 59981Young men think old men are fools; 59982but old men know young men are fools. 59983 -- George Chapman 59984% 59985Your aim is high and to the right. 59986% 59987Your aims are high, and you are capable of much. 59988% 59989Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a 59990thing he tells you. 59991% 59992Your best consolation is the hope that the things 59993you failed to get weren't really worth having. 59994% 59995Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong. 59996% 59997Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic. 59998% 59999Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers. 60000% 60001Your business will assume vast proportions. 60002% 60003Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion. 60004% 60005Your code should be more efficient! 60006% 60007Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize. 60008% 60009Your computer account is overdrawn. Please see Big Brother. 60010% 60011Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you 60012from enjoying it. 60013% 60014Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts 60015 ...Here's How You Can Tell 60016Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you 60017can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They 60018listed 10 signs to watch for: 60019 #3. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand 60020 earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell 60021 jokes that no one understands, said Steiger. 60022 #6. Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction 60023 fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger. 60024 #8. Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't 60025 discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends." 60026 #10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain 60027 high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when 60028 a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger. 60029The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not 60030all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien. 60031 -- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984 60032 60033 [I thought everybody laughed at company training films. Ed.] 60034% 60035Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways. 60036% 60037Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long, 60038dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being 60039attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last 60040minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the 60041Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter. We Americans live in a nation where the 60042medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 6004325 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in 60044seconds if we felt like it. 60045 -- Dave Barry, "Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead" 60046% 60047Your domestic life may be harmonious. 60048% 60049Your education begins where what is called your education is over. 60050% 60051Your fault: core dumped 60052% 60053Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket. 60054EOF 60055% 60056Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now). 60057% 60058YOUR FOAMY FUTURE 60059 by Miss Fortune 60060 60061AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) 60062 You have nothing better to think about than what to wear and what 60063type of champagne to take to the neighbors Halloween Party. Just take beer! 60064Don't try to copy the "Joneses", pull them up to your level and remember, in 60065California Halloween is redundant anyhow. 60066 60067PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20) 60068 Focus on strengthening friendships this Fall. You find others are 60069fascinated by your intelligence, your wit, your drinking ability, and your 60070bank account. Just make sure you realize it's far more impressive when 60071other discover your good qualities without your help. 60072% 60073YOUR FOAMY FUTURE 60074 by Miss Fortune 60075 60076ARIES (March 21 - April 19) 60077 Matters are not good, where your health is concerned. This Fall, be 60078sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep soundly" 60079and you will live all the days of your life. 60080 60081TAURUS (April 20 - May 20) 60082 You spent a fortune on beer this past summer and now find yourself 60083in a deep depression because you can't afford even one of your favorite 60084brewskis. Don't fret too much, Taurus. To get back on your feet simply 60085miss two car payments. 60086 60087GEMINI (May 21 - June 21) 60088 You think you're falling in love with a person who has a lot in 60089common with yourself. You both prefer ales, you've both tried your hand 60090at homebrewing, and you both want to visit every new brewpub that opens. 60091Sounds impressive but remember you really don't know your partner until 60092you meet in court. 60093% 60094YOUR FOAMY FUTURE 60095 by Miss Fortune 60096 60097CANCER (Jun 22 - July 22) 60098 You've been awarded a clean bill of health this month and you feel 60099you owe it all to the excessive amount of Vitamin B, Iron, and Malt you get 60100in your beer. Being healthy is admirable but don't you think you're going 60101to feel stupid one day lying in a hospital dying of nothing? 60102 60103LEO (July 23 - August 22) 60104 You will soon acquire a large sum of money and will be in seventh 60105heaven as you head to the nearest Liquor Barn and buy all the beer they have 60106in stock. Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness didn't know where to 60107shop. 60108 60109VIRGO (August 23 - September 22) 60110 Your late night, beer drinking, "life in the fast lane" parties are 60111affecting your job production the next morning. You feel a nine to five job 60112is not for a "party animal" such as yourself and may feel the need for a 60113career change. Just remember, people who work sitting down get paid more 60114than people who work standing up. 60115% 60116Your friends will know you better in the first minute you 60117meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years. 60118 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" 60119% 60120Your goose is cooked. 60121(Your current chick is burned up too!) 60122% 60123Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life. 60124% 60125Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout. 60126% 60127Your ignorance cramps my conversation. 60128% 60129Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret. 60130% 60131Your love life will be happy and harmonious. 60132% 60133Your love life will be... interesting. 60134% 60135Your lover will never wish to leave you. 60136% 60137Your lucky color has faded. 60138% 60139Your lucky number has been disconnected. 60140% 60141Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. 60142Watch for it everywhere. 60143% 60144Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not 60145original and the part that is original is not good. 60146 -- Samuel Johnson 60147% 60148Your mind is the part of you that says, 60149 "Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?" 60150... and then, twenty minutes later, says, 60151 "Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!" 60152 -- Steven and Ondrea Levine 60153% 60154Your mind understands what you have been 60155taught; your heart, what is true. 60156% 60157Your mode of life will be changed for 60158the better because of good news soon. 60159% 60160Your mode of life will be changed for 60161the better because of new developments. 60162% 60163Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII. 60164% 60165Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC. 60166% 60167Your mothers ghost stands at your shoulder 60168Face like ice, a little bit colder 60169She says "You can't do that it breaks all the rules 60170You learned in school" 60171But I don't really see 60172Why can't we go on as three? 60173 -- David Crosby, "Triad" 60174% 60175Your motives for doing whatever good deed you 60176may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody. 60177% 60178Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it. 60179% 60180Your object is to save the world, 60181while still leading a pleasant life. 60182% 60183Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being 60184true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the 60185mark of a fake messiah. The simplest questions are the most profound. 60186Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What 60187are you doing? Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers 60188change. 60189 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul 60190% 60191Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world. 60192% 60193Your password is pitifully obvious. 60194% 60195Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus. 60196% 60197Your present plans will be successful. 60198% 60199Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory. 60200% 60201Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner. 60202% 60203Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You 60204need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion 60205picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use 60206the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified 60207success. 60208 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 60209% 60210Your sister swims out to meet troop ships. 60211% 60212Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement. 60213% 60214Your step will soil many countries. 60215% 60216Your supervisor is thinking about you. 60217% 60218Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded. 60219% 60220Your temporary financial embarrassment will 60221be relieved in a surprising manner. 60222% 60223Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. 60224% 60225Your wig steers the gig. 60226 -- Lord Buckley 60227% 60228Your wise men don't know how it feels 60229To be thick as a brick. 60230 -- Jethro Tull, "Thick As A Brick" 60231% 60232Your worship is your furnaces 60233which, like old idols, lost obscenes, 60234have molten bowels; your vision is 60235machines for making more machines. 60236 -- Gordon Bottomley, 1874 60237% 60238You're a card which will have to be dealt with. 60239% 60240You're a good example of why some animals eat their young. 60241 -- Jim Samuels to a heckler 60242 60243Ah, yes. I remember my first beer. 60244 -- Steve Martin to a heckler 60245 60246When your IQ rises to 28, sell. 60247 -- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler 60248% 60249You're all clear now, kid. 60250Now blow this thing so we can all go home. 60251 -- Han Solo 60252% 60253You're almost as happy as you think you are. 60254% 60255You're already carrying the sphere! 60256% 60257You're always thinking you're gonna be 60258the one that makes 'em act different. 60259 -- Woody Allen, "Manhattan" 60260% 60261You're at the end of the road again. 60262% 60263You're at Witt's End. 60264% 60265You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. 60266% 60267You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life." 60268% 60269You're definitely on their list. 60270The question to ask next is what list it is. 60271% 60272You're either part of the solution or part of the problem. 60273 -- Eldridge Cleaver 60274% 60275You're growing out of some of your problems, 60276but there are others that you're growing into. 60277% 60278You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little... 60279except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus. 60280 -- Swamp Thing 60281% 60282You're never too old to become younger. 60283 -- Mae West 60284% 60285You're not Dave. Who are you? 60286% 60287You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. 60288 -- Dean Martin 60289% 60290You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!! 60291% 60292You're reasoning is excellent -- it's 60293only your basic assumptions that are wrong. 60294% 60295You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny. 60296% 60297You're using a keyboard! How quaint! 60298% 60299You're working under a slight handicap. 60300You happen to be human. 60301% 60302Yours is not to reason why, 60303Just to Sail Away. 60304And when you find you have to throw 60305Your Legacy away; 60306Remember life as was it is, 60307And is as it were; 60308Chasing sounds across the galaxy 60309'Till silence is but a blur. 60310 -- QYX. 60311% 60312Youth. It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it. 60313% 60314Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of 60315courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease. 60316 -- Robert F. Kennedy 60317% 60318Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it. 60319% 60320Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret. 60321 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Coningsby" 60322% 60323Youth is a disease from which we all recover. 60324 -- Dorothy Fuldheim 60325% 60326Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. 60327 -- George Bernard Shaw 60328% 60329Youth is the trustee of posterity. 60330% 60331Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is 60332when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation. 60333% 60334You've always made the mistake of being yourself. 60335 -- Eugene Ionesco 60336% 60337You've been Berkeley'ed! 60338% 60339You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. 60340% 60341You've been telling me to relax all the way here, 60342and now you're telling me just to be myself? 60343 -- The Return of the Secaucus Seven 60344% 60345You've decked the halls with a dozen miles' length of electric lights. 60346Your front lawn is a gleaming testament of incandescent wonder. The neighbors 60347wear sunglasses 24/7, and orbiting satellites have officially picked up 60348and pinpointed your house as the brightest spot on earth. 60349 60350You've finally put together the Christmas wonderland of your dreams... now 60351if only you could get a good picture of it. 60352 60353Photographing holiday lights is no easy task. 60354 -- from an email sent by photojojo.com 60355% 60356You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks. 60357 -- Gary Giddens 60358% 60359You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas. 60360% 60361You've got to think about tomorrow! 60362 60363TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_________yesterday* yet! 60364% 60365YO-YO: 60366 Something that is occasionally up but normally down. 60367 (see also Computer). 60368% 60369Zall's Laws: 60370 1: Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do 60371 will be wrong. 60372 2: How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom 60373 door you're on. 60374% 60375Zeal, n.: 60376 Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick. 60377% 60378Zero Defects, n.: 60379 The result of shutting down a production line. 60380% 60381Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it! 60382 -- Mel Brooks, "The Producers" 60383% 60384Zeus gave Leda the bird. 60385% 60386Zisla's Law: 60387 If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants. 60388% 60389Zounds! I was never so bethump'd with words 60390since I first call'd my brother's father dad. 60391 -- William Shakespeare, "King John" 60392% 60393Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: 60394 People are always available for work in the past tense. 60395% 60396