1This fortune brought to you by: 2 The DragonFly BSD Project 3% 4======================================================================= 5|| || 6|| The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture! || 7|| Watch for it at a theater near you next summer! || 8|| || 9======================================================================= 10 Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production: 11 "Fortune Cookie" 12 Directed by Steven Spielberg. 13 Starring Harrison Ford Bette Midler Marlon Brando 14 Christopher Reeves Marilyn Chambers 15 and Bob Hope as "The Waiter". 16 Costumes Designed by Pierre Cardin. 17 Special Effects by Timothy Leary. 18 Read the Warner paperback! 19 Invoke the Unix program! 20 Soundtrack on XTC Records. 21 In 70mm and Dolby Stereo at selected theaters and terminal 22 centers. 23% 24 PLAYGIRL, Inc. 25 Philadelphia, Pa. 19369 26Dear Sir: 27 Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to 28inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On 29a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women 30ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the 31age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing 32long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman 33ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate 34in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call 35us. 36 Sympathetically, 37 Amanda L. Smith 38 39p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you 40 wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot? 41% 42 _-^--^=-_ 43 _.-^^ -~_ 44 _-- --_ 45 < >) 46 | | 47 \._ _./ 48 ```--. . , ; .--''' 49 | | | 50 .-=|| | |=-. 51 `-=#$%&%$#=-' 52 | ; :| 53 _____.,-#%&$@%#&#~,._____ 54% 55 FROM THE DESK OF 56 Dorothy Gale 57 58 Auntie Em: 59 Hate you. 60 Hate Kansas. 61 Taking the dog. 62 Dorothy 63% 64 FROM THE DESK OF 65 Rapunzel 66 67Dear Prince: 68 69 Use ladder tonight -- 70 you're splitting my ends. 71% 72 SEMINAR ANNOUNCEMENT 73 74Title: Are Frogs Turing Compatible? 75Speaker: Don "The Lion" Knuth 76 77 ABSTRACT 78 Several researchers at the University of Louisiana have been studying 79the computing power of various amphibians, frogs in particular. The problem 80of frog computability has become a critical issue that ranges across all areas 81of computer science. It has been shown that anything computable by an amphi- 82bian community in a fixed-size pond is computable by a frog in the same-size 83pond -- that is to say, frogs are Pond-space complete. We will show that 84there is a log-space, polywog-time reduction from any Turing machine program 85to a frog. We will suggest these represent a proper subset of frog-computable 86functions. 87 This is not just a let's-see-how-far-those-frogs-can-jump seminar. 88This is only for hardcore amphibian-computation people and their colleagues. 89 Refreshments will be served. Music will be played. 90% 91 UNIX Trix 92 93For those of you in the reseller business, here is a helpful tip that will 94save your support staff a few hours of precious time. Before you send your 95next machine out to an untrained client, change the permissions on /etc/passwd 96to 666 and make sure there is a copy somewhere on the disk. Now when they 97forget the root password, you can easily login as an ordinary user and correct 98the damage. Having a bootable tape (for larger machines) is not a bad idea 99either. If you need some help, give us a call. 100 101 -- CommUNIXque 1:1, ASCAR Business Systems 102% 103 ___====-_ _-====___ 104 _--~~~#####// ' ` \\#####~~~--_ 105 -~##########// ( ) \\##########~-_ 106 -############// |\^^/| \\############- 107 _~############// (O||O) \\############~_ 108 ~#############(( \\// ))#############~ 109 -###############\\ (oo) //###############- 110 -#################\\ / `' \ //#################- 111 -###################\\/ () \//###################- 112 _#/|##########/\######( (()) )######/\##########|\#_ 113 |/ |#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##| \()/ |##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#| \| 114 ` |/ V V ` V )|| |()| ||( V ' V /\ \| ' 115 ` ` ` ` / | |()| | \ ' '<||> ' 116 ( | |()| | )\ /|/ 117 __\ |__|()|__| /__\______/|/ 118 (vvv(vvvv)(vvvv)vvv)______|/ 119% 120 -- Gifts for Children -- 121 122This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children, 123because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months 124and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday- 125morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children 126exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If 127your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You 128Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it 129might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe 130me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child 131who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift. 132 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 133% 134 -- Gifts for Men -- 135 136Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional 137ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you 138should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the 139clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For 140example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only 141three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error, 142that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh 143at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?"). 144So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several 145years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will 146pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. 147 148If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More 149than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set 150of tires. 151 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 152% 153 *** NEWSFLASH *** 154Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven! 155% 156 ACHTUNG!!! 157 158Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy 159schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit 160spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das 161rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und 162vatch das blinkenlights!!! 163% 164 Chapter 1 165 166The story so far: 167 168 In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot 169of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move. 170 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" 171% 172 DELETE A FORTUNE! 173 174Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like 175to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to 176"fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it 177gets expunged. 178% 179 Get GUMMed 180 --- ------ 181The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 1821, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above 183the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep 184each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered 185chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek 186nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three 187days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two 188seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user- 189friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is 190Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis 191"cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You 192Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because 193all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we 194could tell them. 195 -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84 196% 197 It's grad exam time... 198COMPUTER SCIENCE 199 Inside your desk you'll find a listing of the DEC/VMS operating 200system in IBM 1710 machine code. Show what changes are necessary to convert 201this code into a UNIX Berkeley 7 operating system. Prove that these fixes are 202bug free and run correctly. You should gain at least 150% efficiency in the 203new system. (You should take no more than 10 minutes on this question.) 204 205MATHEMATICS 206 If X equals PI times R^2, construct a formula showing how long 207it would take a fire ant to drill a hole through a dill pickle, if the 208length-girth ratio of the ant to the pickle were 98.17:1. 209 210GENERAL KNOWLEDGE 211Describe the Universe. Give three examples. 212% 213 It's grad exam time... 214MEDICINE 215 You have been provided with a razor blade, a piece of gauze, and a 216bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has 217been inspected. (You have 15 minutes.) 218 219HISTORY 220 Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present 221day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political, 222economic, religious and philosophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and 223Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific. 224 225BIOLOGY 226 Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture 227if this form of life had been created 500 million years ago or earlier, with 228special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. 229% 230 Pittsburgh driver's test 23110: Potholes are 232 a) extremely dangerous. 233 b) patriotic. 234 c) the fault of the previous administration. 235 d) all going to be fixed next summer. 236The correct answer is b. 237Potholes destroy unpatriotic, unamerican, imported cars, since the holes 238are larger than the cars. If you drive a big, patriotic, American car 239you have nothing to worry about. 240% 241 Pittsburgh driver's test 2422: A traffic light at an intersection changes from yellow to red, you should 243 a) stop immediately. 244 b) proceed slowly through the intersection. 245 c) blow the horn. 246 d) floor it. 247The correct answer is d. 248If you said c, you were almost right, so give yourself a half point. 249% 250 Pittsburgh driver's test 2513: When stopped at an intersection you should 252 a) watch the traffic light for your lane. 253 b) watch for pedestrians crossing the street. 254 c) blow the horn. 255 d) watch the traffic light for the intersecting street. 256The correct answer is d. 257You need to start as soon as the traffic light for the intersecting 258street turns yellow. 259Answer c is worth a half point. 260% 261 Pittsburgh driver's test 2624: Exhaust gas is 263 a) beneficial. 264 b) not harmful. 265 c) toxic. 266 d) a punk band. 267The correct answer is b. 268The meddling Washington eco-freak communist bureaucrats who say otherwise 269are liars. (Message to those who answered d. Go back to California where 270you came from. Your kind are not welcome here.) 271% 272 Pittsburgh driver's test 2735: Your car's horn is a vital piece of safety equipment. 274 How often should you test it? 275 a) once a year. 276 b) once a month. 277 c) once a day. 278 d) once an hour. 279The correct answer is d. 280You should test your car's horn at least once every hour, 281and more often at night or in residential neighborhoods. 282% 283 Pittsburgh driver's test 2847: The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light 285 but a steady left tail light. This means 286 a) One of the tail lights is broken. You should blow your 287 horn to call the problem to the driver's attention. 288 b) The driver is signaling a right turn. 289 c) The driver is signaling a left turn. 290 d) The driver is from out of town. 291The correct answer is d. 292Tail lights are used in some foreign countries to signal turns. 293% 294 Pittsburgh driver's test 2958: Pedestrians are 296 a) irrelevant. 297 b) communists. 298 c) a nuisance. 299 d) difficult to clean off the front grille. 300The correct answer is a. Pedestrians are not in cars, so they 301are totally irrelevant to driving, and you should ignore them 302completely. 303% 304 Pittsburgh driver's test 3059: Roads are salted in order to 306 a) kill grass. 307 b) melt snow. 308 c) help the economy. 309 d) prevent potholes. 310The correct answer is c. 311Road salting employs thousands of persons directly, and millions more 312indirectly, for example, salt miners and rustproofers. Most important, 313salting reduces the life spans of cars, thus stimulating the car and 314steel industries. 315% 316 317 ( /\__________/\ ) 318 \(^ @___..___@ ^)/ 319 /\ (\/\/\/\/) /\ 320 / \(/\/\/\/\)/ \ 321 -( """""""""" ) 322 \ _____ / 323 ( /( )\ ) 324 _) (_V) (V_) (_ 325 (V)(V)(V) (V)(V)(V) 326 327% 328 ___====-_ _-====___ 329 _--~~~#####// \\#####~~~--_ 330 _-~##########// ( ) \\##########~-_ 331 -############// :\^^/: \\############- 332 _~############// (@::@) \\############~_ 333 ~#############(( \\// ))#############~ 334 -###############\\ (^^) //###############- 335 -#################\\ / "" \ //#################- 336 -###################\\/ \//###################- 337 _#/:##########/\######( /\ )######/\##########:\#_ 338 :/ :#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##\ : : /##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#: \: 339 " :/ V V " V \#\: : : :/#/ V " V V \: " 340 " " " " \ : : : : / " " " " 341% 342 Has your family tried 'em? 343 344 POWDERMILK BISCUITS 345 346 Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious! 347 348 They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the 349 strength to get up and do what needs to be done. 350 351 POWDERMILK BISCUITS 352 353 Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the 354 biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains 355 that indicate freshness. 356% 357 THE STORY OF CREATION 358 or 359 THE MYTH OF URK 360 361In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null, 362and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM 363was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be 364registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried; 365and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data 366Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening 367and there was morning, one interrupt ... 368 -- Rico Tudor 369% 370 A Severe Strain on the Credulity 371 372As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest 373parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket 374is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one 375considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one 376begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really 377starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor 378maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left. 379Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing 380of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to 381re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum 382against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the 383knowledge ladled out daily in high schools. 384 -- New York Times Editorial, 1920 385% 386 AMAZING BUT TRUE ... 387 388If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end 389across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful. 390% 391 AMAZING BUT TRUE ... 392 393There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it 394would completely cover the Sahara Desert. 395% 396 Another Glitch in the Call 397 ------- ------ -- --- ---- 398 (Sung to the tune of the classic Pink Floyd song.) 399 400We don't need no indirection 401We don't need no flow control 402No data typing or declarations 403Did you leave the lists alone? 404 405 Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone! 406 407Chorus: 408 All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. 409 All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call. 410% 411 Answers to Last Fortune's Questions: 412 413(1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark). 414(2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle. 415(3) I don't know. 416(4) Who cares? 417(5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk, 418 Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5. 419(6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my 420 book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and 421 bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of 422 Papyrus Books). 423% 424 DETERIORATA 425 426Go placidly amid the noise and waste, 427And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. 428Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. 429Rotate your tires. 430Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself, 431And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys. 432Know what to kiss -- and when. 433Remember that two wrongs never make a right, 434But that three do. 435Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD". 436Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment, 437And despite the changing fortunes of time, 438There is always a big future in computer maintenance. 439 440 You are a fluke of the universe ... 441 You have no right to be here. 442 Whether you can hear it or not, the universe 443 Is laughing behind your back. 444 -- National Lampoon 445% 446 Double Bucky 447 (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie") 448 449Double bucky, you're the one! 450You make my keyboard lots of fun 451 Double bucky, an additional bit or two: 452(Vo-vo-de-o!) 453Control and Meta side by side, 454Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide! 455 Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few! 456 457Oh, I sure wish that I, 458Had a couple of bits more! 459Perhaps a set of pedals to make the number of bits four. 460 461Double bucky, left and right 462OR'd together, outta sight! 463 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of 464 Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of 465 Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you! 466 -- Guy L. Steele, Jr., (C) 1978 467 (to Nicholas Wirth, who suggested that an extra bit 468 be added to terminal codes on 36-bit machines for use 469 by screen editors.) 470% 471 Gimmie That Old Time Religion 472We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids, 473Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods, 474I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids, 475And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me! 476 (chorus) (chorus) 477 478In the church of Aphrodite, 479The priestess wears a see-through nightie, 480She's a mighty righteous sightie, 481And she's good enough for me! 482 (chorus) 483 484CHORUS: Give me that old time religion, 485 Give me that old time religion, 486 Give me that old time religion, 487 'Cause it's good enough for me! 488% 489 Hard Copies and Chmod 490 491And everyone thinks computers are impersonal 492cold diskdrives hardware monitors 493user-hostile software 494 495of course they're only bits and bytes 496and characters and strings 497and files 498 499just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend 500telling me he loves me and 501he'll take care of me 502 503simply a discarded printout of a friend's directory 504deep intimate secrets and 505how he doesn't trust me 506 507couldn't hurt me more if they were scented in lavender or mould 508on personal stationery 509 -- terri@csd4.milw.wisc.edu 510% 511 MORE SPORTS RESULTS: 512The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last 513Saturday night. The match started with a long period of silence while 514the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the 515Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could 516paraphrase. The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player 517took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting 518their anal-retentive personalities. At this the Rogerians' star player 519said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka." This started a 520fight and the match was called by officials. 521% 522 `O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE 523Timewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the 524margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells. Orange may be worn. Credit 525will be given to candidates who self-actualize. 526 527 1: Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why 528neither has street credibility. 529 2: "Even Buddha would have been hard pushed to reach Nirvana squatting 530on a juggernaut route." Consider the dialectic of inner truth and inner 531city. 532 3: Discuss degree of hassle involved in paranoia about being sucked 533into a black hole. 534 4: "The Egomaniac's Liberation Front were a bunch of revisionist 535ripoff merchants." Comment on this insult. 536 5: Account for the lack of references to brown rice in Dylan's lyrics. 537 6: "Castenada was a bit of a bozo." How far is this a fair summing 538up of western dualism? 539 7: Hermann Hesse was a Pisces. Discuss. 540% 541 OUTCONERR 542Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes 543 Did logzerneg the ifthen block 544All kludgy were the function flows 545 And subroutines adhoc. 546 547Beware the runtime-bug my friend 548 squrooneg, the false goto 549Beware the infiniteloop 550 And shun the inprectoo. 551% 552 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 553 Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead. 554 555(1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs, 556 ants. 557(2) Something is missing in your personal relationships. 558(3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate. 559(4) You have a hard time getting a waiter. 560(5) Exotic birds flock around you. 561(6) People ignore you at parties. 562(7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning. 563(8) You no longer get off on cocaine. 564% 565 Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence 566(1) Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear 567 bomb; use the stairs. 568(2) When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit 569 the ground. 570(3) If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials. 571(4) Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to 572 psychological problems. 573(5) Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to 574 recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed 575 potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc. 576(6) Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs 577 will be scarce in the post-nuclear age. 578(7) Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles. 579(8) Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be 580 staggering illegally. 581(9) Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more 582 sanitary due to limited circulation. 583(10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on 584 D-Day. 585% 586 The Guy on the Right Doesn't Stand a Chance 587The guy on the right has the Osborne 1, a fully functional computer system 588in a portable package the size of a briefcase. The guy on the left has an 589Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four 590fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition. The owner of the 591Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on 592target -- in less time, and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable. 593If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal 594computer -- he's the one who's in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip 595through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do 596to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines 597for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can 598take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied 599into Ethernet or other local-area networks. What about the new 16-bit 600computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup, 601they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what 602Unix means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home 603a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons. 604 -- "InfoWorld", June, 1984 605% 606 The Split-Atom Blues 607Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine, 608 Gimme jeans by Calvin Klein... 609But if you split those atoms fine, 610 Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine! 611Gimme zits, take my dough, 612 Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll... 613Call the devil and sell my soul, 614 But Mama keep dem atoms whole! 615 -- Milo Bloom 616% 617 The Three Major Kind of Tools 618 619* Tools for hitting things to make them loose or to tighten them up or 620 jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a 621 manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces, 622 bludgeons, and truncheons.) 623 624* Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls) 625 626* Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far 627 greater than the value of any project that could possibly result. 628 (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses 629 any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.) 630 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 631% 632 (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along") 633Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug 634Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug 635And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. 636Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all, 637Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall 638And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. 639And we've also found Just flip one switch 640When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch 641You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble 642 in a flash. 643Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU 644Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo," 645And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash. 646% 647 'Twas the Night before Crisis 648 649'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house, 650 Not a program was working not even a browse. 651The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care, 652 Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer. 653The users were nestled all snug in their beds, 654 While visions of inquiries danced in their heads. 655When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter, 656 I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter. 657And what to my wondering eyes should appear, 658 But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear. 659More rapid than eagles, his programs they came, 660 And he whistled and shouted and called them by name; 661On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete! 662 On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete! 663His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean, 664 From Weekends and nights in front of a screen. 665A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head, 666 Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread... 667% 668 What I Did During My Fall Semester 669On the first day of my fall semester, I got up. 670Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. 671Then I hung out in front of the Dover. 672 673On the second day of my fall semester, I got up. 674Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. 675Then I hung out in front of the Dover. 676 677On the third day of my fall semester, I got up. 678Then I went to the library to find a thesis topic. 679I found a thesis topic: 680 How to keep people from hanging out in front of the Dover. 681 -- Sister Mary Elephant, 682 "Student Statement for Black Friday" 683% 684 William Safire's Rules for Writers: 685 686Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never 687be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs has to 688agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words 689out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal 690of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must 691not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a 692conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a 693sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as 694close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more 695words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles 696must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a 697linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing 698metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should 699be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their 700writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows 701the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek 702viable alternatives. 703% 704 1/2 705 /\(3) 706 | 2 1/3 707 | z dz cos(3 * PI / 9) = ln (e ) 708 | 709 \/ 1 710 711The integral of z squared, dz 712From 1 to the square root of 3 713 Times the cosine 714 Of 3 PI over nine 715Is the log of the cube root of e 716% 717 THE DAILY PLANET 718 719 SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT! 720 Plans to "Eat it later" 721% 722 *** A NEW KIND OF PROGRAMMING *** 723 724Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical 725terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into 726the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers' 727School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming. 728They say a good programmer can write 20 lines of effective program per day. 729With our unique training course, we'll show you how to write 20 lines of code 730and lots more besides. Our training course covers every programming language 731in existence, and some that aren't. You'll learn why the on/off switch for a 732computer is so important, what the words *fatal error* mean, and who and what 733you should blame when you make a mistake. 734 735 Yes, I want the brochure describing this incredible offer. 736 I enclose $1000 in small unmarked bills to cover the cost of 737 postage and handling. (No live poultry, please.) 738 739*** Our Slogan: Top down programming for the masses. *** 740% 741 A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling 742 by Mark Twain 743 744 For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped 745to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer 746be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained 747would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 748might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the 749same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with 750"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all. 751 Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear 752with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 753or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. 754Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi 755ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz 756ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli. 757 Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud 758hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. 759% 760 *** DO YOU HAVE A RESTLESS URGE TO PROGRAM? *** 761Do you want the instant respect that comes from being able to use technical 762terms that nobody understands? Do you want to strike fear and loathing into 763the hearts of DP managers everywhere? If so, then let the Famous Programmers' 764School lead you on... into the world of professional computer programming. 765 766 *** IS PROGRAMMING FOR YOU? *** 767Programming is not for everyone. But, if you have the desire to learn, we can 768help you get started. All you need is the Famous Programmers' Course and 769enough money to keep those lessons coming month after month. 770 771 *** TAKE OUR FREE APTITUDE TEST *** 772To help determine if you are qualified to be a programmer, take a moment to 773try this simple test: 774 1: Write down the numbers from zero to nine and the first six letters 775 of the alphabet (Hint: 0123456789ABCDEF). 776 2: Whose picture is on the back of a twenty-dollar bill? 777 3: What is the state capital of Idaho? 778If you managed to read all three questions without wondering why we asked 779them, you may have a future as a computer programmer. 780% 781 *** STUDENT SUCCESSES *** 782 783Many of our students have gone on to achieve great success in all fields of 784programming. One former student developed the concept of the personalized 785form letter. Does the phrase, "Dear Mr.(insert name), You may already be a 786winner!," sound familiar? Another student writes "After only five lessons I 787sold a "My Most Unforgettable Program" article to Corrosive Computing magazine. 788Another of our graduates writes, "I recently completed a database-management 789program for my department manager. My program touched him so deeply that he 790was speechless. He told me later that he had never seen such a program in 791his entire career. Thank you, Famous Programmers' school; only you could 792have made this possible." Send for our introductory brochure which explains 793in vague detail the operation of the Famous Programmers' School, and you'll 794be eligible to win a possible chance to enter a drawing, the winner of which 795can vie for a set of free steak knives. If you don't do it now, you'll hate 796yourself in the morning. 797% 798 799 *** System shutdown message from root *** 800 801System going down in 60 seconds 802 803 804% 805 "... The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!" 806 "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to 807feel interested. 808 "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little 809vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged 810Aged Man.'" 811 "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?" 812Alice corrected herself. 813 "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is 814called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!" 815 "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this time 816completely bewildered. 817 "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is 818"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention." 819 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 820% 821 ... with liberty and justice for all who can afford it. 822% 823 12 + 144 + 20 + 3(4) 2 824 ---------------------- + 5(11) = 9 + 0 825 7 826 827A dozen, a gross and a score, 828Plus three times the square root of four, 829 Divided by seven, 830 Plus five times eleven, 831Equals nine squared plus zero, no more! 832% 833 7,140 pounds on the Sun 834 97 pounds on Mercury or Mars 835 255 pounds on Earth 836 232 pounds on Venus or Uranus 837 43 pounds on the Moon 838 648 pounds on Jupiter 839 275 pounds on Saturn 840 303 pounds on Neptune 841 13 pounds on Pluto 842 843 -- How much Elvis Presley would weigh at various places 844 in the solar system. 845% 846 A boy scout troop went on a hike. Crossing over a stream, one of 847the boys dropped his wallet into the water. Suddenly a carp jumped, grabbed 848the wallet and tossed it to another carp. Then that carp passed it to 849another carp, and all over the river carp appeared and tossed the wallet back 850and forth. 851 "Well, boys," said the Scout leader, "you've just seen a rare case 852of carp-to-carp walleting." 853% 854 A carpet installer decides to take a cigarette break after completing 855the installation in the first of several rooms he has to do. Finding them 856missing from his pocket he begins searching, only to notice a small lump in 857his recently completed carpet-installation. Not wanting to pull up all that 858work for a lousy pack of cigarettes he simply walks over and pounds the lump 859flat. Foregoing the break, he continues on to the other rooms to be carpeted. 860 At the end of the day, while loading his tools into his truck, two 861events occur almost simultaneously: he spies his pack of cigarettes on the 862dashboard of the truck, and the lady of the house summons him imperiously: 863"Have you seen my parakeet?" 864% 865 A circus foreman was making the rounds inspecting the big top when 866a scrawny little man entered the tent and walked up to him. "Are you the 867foreman around here?" he asked timidly. "I'd like to join your circus; I 868have what I think is a pretty good act." 869 The foreman nodded assent, whereupon the little man hurried over to 870the main pole and rapidly climbed up to the very tip-top of the big top. 871Drawing a deep breath, he hurled himself off into the air and began flapping 872his arms furiously. Amazingly, rather than plummeting to his death the little 873man began to fly all around the poles, lines, trapezes and other obstacles, 874performing astounding feats of aerobatics which ended in a long power dive 875from the top of the tent, pulling up into a gentle feet-first landing beside 876the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time. 877 "Well," puffed the little man. "What do you think?" 878 "That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully. "Bird 879imitations?" 880% 881 A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a 882long-distance caw. 883% 884 A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was 885eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality 886test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." 887 Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into 888the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too". 889% 890 A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing 891about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their 892arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon 893the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because 894Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply 895incredible surgical feat." 896 The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the 897Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of 898that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an 899architect." 900 The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said, 901"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?" 902% 903 A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from 904his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp. 905% 906 A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the 907house of seven gobbles. 908% 909 A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a 910buddy down the road, who owns several boars. They agree on a stud fee, and 911the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the 912boars. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks 913the man how he can tell if it "took" or not. The breeder replies that if, 914the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if 915they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't. 916 Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the 917farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of 918frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling 919in the mud. 920 Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I 921don't have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous. You check 922today." With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh. 923 "What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are they grazing at last?" 924 "Nope." replies his wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in 925the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!" 926% 927 A father gave his teen-age daughter an untrained pedigreed pup for 928her birthday. An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her 929looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured 930sadly, "runneth over." 931% 932 A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods. 933After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears, 934one a male, one a female, looking suspiciously overstuffed. They killed 935the female, autopsied her, and sure enough, found the German and the Pole. 936 "What do you think?" said the first ranger. 937 "The Czech is in the male," replied the second. 938% 939 A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical 940island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that 941could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They 942were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of 943the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to 944the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head 945downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the 946charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two 947men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner. 948Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with 949blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could 950only blurt out, "What happened?" 951 "I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the 952ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I 953grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left 954hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of 955the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down 956to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?" 957% 958 A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved 959dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his 960brother and inquires after his pet. 961 "Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly. 962 The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me," 963he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way 964of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got 965outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a 966corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?" 967 "Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think." 968 "Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway? 969How's Mom?" 970 His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got 971outside one day..." 972% 973 A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman? 974I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it." 975 A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that 976be? I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer." 977 "Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my 978dog's stuck in its throat." 979% 980 A hard-luck actor who appeared in one colossal disaster after another 981finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact. Someone pointed out that it's 982the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week. 983% 984 A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three 985days old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted. 986% 987 A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2. 988 The housewife replied, "Four!". 989 The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures 990through my spread sheet one more time." 991 The lawyer pulled the drapes, dimmed the lights and asked in a 992hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?" 993% 994 A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had 995made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he 996would like on it. "Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the 997lawyer. 998 "Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this 999state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, 1000I could put `here lies an honest lawyer', if that would be okay." 1001 "But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer. 1002 "Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it 1003and exclaim, "That's Strange!" 1004% 1005 A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to 1006the bartender. "Hey, bartender, gimmie a whiskey." 1007 The bartender ignores him. 1008 "Hey bartender, gimmie a whiskey." 1009 Still ignored. 1010 "HEY BARMAN!! GIMMIE A WHISKEY!!" 1011 The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the 1012leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain. 1013 Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots, 1014jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns. He ambles slowly into the 1015saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender, 1016"I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw." 1017% 1018 A man enters a pet shop, seeking to purchase a parrot. He points 1019to a fine colorful bird and asks how much it costs. 1020 When he is told it costs 70,000 zlotys, he whistles in amazement 1021and asks why it is so much. "Well, the bird is fluent in Italian and 1022French and can recite the periodic table." He points to another bird 1023and is told that it costs 90,000 zlotys because it speaks French and 1024German, can knit and can curse in Latin. 1025 Finally the customer asks about a drab gray bird. "Ah," he is 1026told, "that one is 150,000." 1027 "Why, what can it do?" he asks. 1028 "Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't 1029do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary." 1030 -- being told in Poland, 1987 1031% 1032 A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master, 1033Knuth. When he arrived, the Master was nowhere to be found. "Where is the 1034wise one named Knuth?" he asked a passing student. 1035 "Ah," said the student, "you have not heard. He has gone on a 1036pilgrimage across the mountains to the temple of AI to seek out new 1037disciples." 1038 Hearing this, the man was Enlightened. 1039% 1040 A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The 1041first thing he notices is that the arms are too long. 1042 "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow 1043and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine." 1044 "But the collar is up around my ears!" 1045 "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a 1046little more ... that's it." 1047 "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation. 1048 "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you 1049go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly." 1050 So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the 1051street. Reba and Florence see him go by. 1052 "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!" 1053 "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit." 1054 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 1055% 1056 A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well, 1057shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her 1058that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again, 1059soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number. 1060 The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing. She 1061agreed. As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was. 1062Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers 1063-- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army 1064knife! 1065 Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the 1066afternoon finding a particularly unusual one. Arriving at her apartment 1067he immediately presented her with the knife. She ooohed and ahhhed over it 1068for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't 1069help but see was full of Swiss Army knives. 1070 Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many. 1071 "Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that 1072won't always be true. And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!" 1073% 1074 A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police 1075during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he 1076was making a bolt for the door. 1077% 1078 A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a 1079terrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard and another son at 1080Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got 1081homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've 1082got a thriving ranch in Venezuela. My wife is a gorgeous young actress 1083who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends." 1084 The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused. "Did I miss 1085something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all." 1086 "But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week." 1087% 1088 A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, 1089"Do you serve lawyers here?". 1090 "Sure do," replied the bartender. 1091 "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for 1092my 'gator." 1093% 1094 A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his 1095wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer." 1096% 1097 A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path. 1098% 1099 A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the 1100program on which he was working. "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer 1101promptly replied. 1102 "I think you are being unrealistic," said the manager. "Truthfully, 1103how long will it take?" 1104 The programmer thought for a moment. "I have some features that I wish 1105to add. This will take at least two weeks," he finally said. 1106 "Even that is too much to expect," insisted the manager, "I will be 1107satisfied if you simply tell me when the program is complete." 1108 The programmer agreed to this. 1109 Several years slated, the manager retired. On the way to his 1110retirement lunch, he discovered the programmer asleep at his terminal. 1111He had been programming all night. 1112 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1113% 1114 A manager was about to be fired, but a programmer who worked for him 1115invented a new program that became popular and sold well. As a result, the 1116manager retained his job. 1117 The manager tried to give the programmer a bonus, but the programmer 1118refused it, saying, "I wrote the program because I though it was an interesting 1119concept, and thus I expect no reward." 1120 The manager, upon hearing this, remarked, "This programmer, though he 1121holds a position of small esteem, understands well the proper duty of an 1122employee. Lets promote him to the exalted position of management consultant!" 1123 But when told this, the programmer once more refused, saying, "I exist 1124so that I can program. If I were promoted, I would do nothing but waste 1125everyone's time. Can I go now? I have a program that I'm working on." 1126 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1127% 1128 A manager went to his programmers and told them: "As regards to your 1129work hours: you are going to have to come in at nine in the morning and leave 1130at five in the afternoon." At this, all of them became angry and several 1131resigned on the spot. 1132 So the manager said: "All right, in that case you may set your own 1133working hours, as long as you finish your projects on schedule." The 1134programmers, now satisfied, began to come in a noon and work to the wee 1135hours of the morning. 1136 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1137% 1138 A manager went to the master programmer and showed him the requirements 1139document for a new application. The manager asked the master: "How long will 1140it take to design this system if I assign five programmers to it?" 1141 "It will take one year," said the master promptly. 1142 "But we need this system immediately or even sooner! How long will it 1143take it I assign ten programmers to it?" 1144 The master programmer frowned. "In that case, it will take two years." 1145 "And what if I assign a hundred programmers to it?" 1146 The master programmer shrugged. "Then the design will never be 1147completed," he said. 1148 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1149% 1150 A master programmer passed a novice programmer one day. The master 1151noted the novice's preoccupation with a hand-held computer game. "Excuse me", 1152he said, "may I examine it?" 1153 The novice bolted to attention and handed the device to the master. 1154"I see that the device claims to have three levels of play: Easy, Medium, 1155and Hard", said the master. "Yet every such device has another level of play, 1156where the device seeks not to conquer the human, nor to be conquered by the 1157human." 1158 "Pray, great master," implored the novice, "how does one find this 1159mysterious setting?" 1160 The master dropped the device to the ground and crushed it under foot. 1161And suddenly the novice was enlightened. 1162 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1163% 1164 A master was explaining the nature of the Tao to one of his 1165novices. "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how 1166insignificant," said the master. 1167 1168 "Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice. 1169 1170 "It is," came the reply. 1171 1172 "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice. 1173 1174 "It is even in a video game," said the master. 1175 1176 "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?" 1177 1178 The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The 1179lesson is over for today," he said. 1180 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1181% 1182 A MODERN FABLE 1183 1184Aesop's fables and other traditional children's stories involve allegory 1185far too subtle for the youth of today. Children need an updated message 1186with contemporary circumstance and plot line, and short enough to suit 1187today's minute attention span. 1188 1189 The Troubled Aardvark 1190 1191Once upon a time, there was an aardvark whose only pleasure in life was 1192driving from his suburban bungalow to his job at a large brokerage house 1193in his brand new 4x4. He hated his manipulative boss, his conniving and 1194unethical co-workers, his greedy wife, and his snivelling, spoiled 1195children. One day, the aardvark reflected on the meaning of his life and 1196his career and on the unchecked, catastrophic decline of his nation, its 1197pathetic excuse for leadership, and the complete ineffectiveness of any 1198personal effort he could make to change the status quo. Overcome by a 1199wave of utter depression and self-doubt, he decided to take the only 1200course of action that would bring him greater comfort and happiness: he 1201drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods. 1202 1203MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers. 1204 -- Tom Annau 1205% 1206 A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a 1207new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?" 1208% 1209 A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at 1210the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the 1211pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite 1212nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..." 1213 "If what?" asked the composer. 1214 "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?" 1215% 1216 A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which 1217removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to 1218doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous 1219amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware 1220limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the 1221larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient 1222power-down sequence. 1223 An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the 1224building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has 1225bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer 1226cool. 1227% 1228 A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs, 1229documents, or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him one of 1230the best programmers in the world. Why is this?" 1231 The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has 1232gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system 1233crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the 1234need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. He 1235has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect within 1236themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, he has 1237entered the mystery of the Tao." 1238 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1239% 1240 A novice asked the master: "I have a program that sometimes runs and 1241sometimes aborts. I have followed the rules of programming, yet I am totally 1242baffled. What is the reason for this?" 1243 The master replied: "You are confused because you do not understand 1244the Tao. Only a fool expects rational behavior from his fellow humans. Why 1245do you expect it from a machine that humans have constructed? Computers 1246simulate determinism; only the Tao is perfect. 1247 The rules of programming are transitory; only the Tao is eternal. 1248Therefore you must contemplate the Tao before you receive enlightenment." 1249 "But how will I know when I have received enlightenment?" asked the 1250novice. 1251 "Your program will then run correctly," replied the master. 1252 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1253% 1254 A novice asked the master: "I perceive that one computer company is 1255much larger than all others. It towers above its competition like a giant 1256among dwarfs. Any one of its divisions could comprise an entire business. 1257Why is this so?" 1258 The master replied, "Why do you ask such foolish questions? That 1259company is large because it is so large. If it only made hardware, nobody 1260would buy it. If it only maintained systems, people would treat it like a 1261servant. But because it combines all of these things, people think it one 1262of the gods! By not seeking to strive, it conquers without effort." 1263 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1264% 1265 A novice asked the master: "In the east there is a great tree-structure 1266that men call 'Corporate Headquarters'. It is bloated out of shape with 1267vice-presidents and accountants. It issues a multitude of memos, each saying 1268'Go, Hence!' or 'Go, Hither!' and nobody knows what is meant. Every year new 1269names are put onto the branches, but all to no avail. How can such an 1270unnatural entity exist?" 1271 The master replies: "You perceive this immense structure and are 1272disturbed that it has no rational purpose. Can you not take amusement from 1273its endless gyrations? Do you not enjoy the untroubled ease of programming 1274beneath its sheltering branches? Why are you bothered by its uselessness?" 1275 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1276% 1277 A novice programmer was once assigned to code a simple financial 1278package. 1279 The novice worked furiously for many days, but when his master 1280reviewed his program, he discovered that it contained a screen editor, a set 1281of generalized graphics routines, and artificial intelligence interface, 1282but not the slightest mention of anything financial. 1283 When the master asked about this, the novice became indignant. 1284"Don't be so impatient," he said, "I'll put the financial stuff in eventually." 1285 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1286% 1287 A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost 1288in a forest in the dead of winter. As they were sitting around a fire, they 1289noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily. 1290 The Englishman volunteered to sacrifice himself for the rest of the 1291party. He walked out into the night. 1292 The American, not wanting to be outdone by an Englishman, offered to 1293be the next victim. The wolves eagerly accepted his offer, and devoured him, 1294too. 1295 The Soviet, believing himself to be better than any American, turned 1296to the Pole and says, "Well, comrade, I shall volunteer to give my life to 1297save a fellow socialist." He leaves the shelter and goes out to be killed by 1298the wolf pack. 1299 At this point, the Pole opened his jacket and pulls out a machine gun. 1300He takes aim in the general direction of the wolf pack and in a few seconds 1301has killed them all. 1302 The Canadian asked the Pole, "Why didn't you do that before the others 1303went out to be killed? 1304 The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket. 1305He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many." 1306% 1307 A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came 1308upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. 1309"That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow 1310man". 1311 As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well, 1312he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing." 1313% 1314 A program should be light and agile, its subroutines connected like a 1315strings of pearls. The spirit and intent of the program should be retained 1316throughout. There should be neither too little nor too much, neither needless 1317loops nor useless variables, neither lack of structure nor overwhelming 1318rigidity. 1319 A program should follow the "Law of Least Astonishment". What is this 1320law? It is simply that the program should always respond to the user in the 1321way that astonishes him least. 1322 A program, no matter how complex, should act as a single unit. The 1323program should be directed by the logic within rather than by outward 1324appearances. 1325 If the program fails in these requirements, it will be in a state of 1326disorder and confusion. The only way to correct this is to rewrite the 1327program. 1328 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1329% 1330 A programmer from a very large computer company went to a software 1331conference and then returned to report to his manager, saying: "What sort 1332of programmers work for other companies? They behaved badly and were 1333unconcerned with appearances. Their hair was long and unkempt and their 1334clothes were wrinkled and old. They crashed our hospitality suites and they 1335made rude noises during my presentation." 1336 The manager said: "I should have never sent you to the conference. 1337Those programmers live beyond the physical world. They consider life absurd, 1338an accidental coincidence. They come and go without knowing limitations. 1339Without a care, they live only for their programs. Why should they bother 1340with social conventions?" 1341 "They are alive within the Tao." 1342 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 1343% 1344 A pushy romeo asked a gorgeous elevator operator, "Don't all these 1345stops and starts get you pretty worn out?" "It isn't the stops and starts 1346that get on my nerves, it's the jerks." 1347% 1348 A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter 1349carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're 1350doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endangered species list?" 1351 Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag, 1352which contained twelve more loons. 1353 "Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked. 1354 "Well, my family eats them and I sell the plumage." 1355 "What's so special about a loon? What does it taste like?" 1356 "Oh, somewhere between an American Bald Eagle and a Trumpeter Swan." 1357% 1358 A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor 1359recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill 1360his wellness potential." 1361 1362 Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal 1363of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors." 1364 1365 A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti- 1366personnel devices." You probably call them bombs. 1367 1368 At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian 1369mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired. 1370 1371 After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls 1372of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it) 1373only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling 1374of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an 1375unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice 1376touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad 1377experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his 1378pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously 1379sent him. 1380 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE) 1381% 1382 A reverend wanted to telephone another reverend. He told the operator, 1383"This is a parson to parson call." 1384 A farmer with extremely prolific hens posted the following sign. "Free 1385Chickens. Our Coop Runneth Over." 1386 Two brothers, Mort and Bill, like to sail. While Bill has a great 1387deal of experience, he certainly isn't the rigger Mort is. 1388 Inheritance taxes are getting so out of line, that the deceased family 1389often doesn't have a legacy to stand on. 1390 The judge fined the jaywalker fifty dollars and told him if he was 1391caught again, he would be thrown in jail. Fine today, cooler tomorrow. 1392 A rock store eventually closed down; they were taking too much for 1393granite. 1394% 1395 A Scotsman was strolling across High Street one day wearing his kilt. 1396As he neared the far curb, he noticed two young blondes in a red convertible 1397eyeing him and giggling. One of them called out, "Hey, Scotty! What's worn 1398under the kilt?" 1399 He strolled over to the side of the car and asked, "Ach, lass, are you 1400SURE you want to know?" Somewhat nervously, the blonde replied yes, she did 1401really want to know. 1402 The Scotsman leaned closer and confided, "Why, lass, nothing's worn 1403under the kilt, everything's in perfect workin' order!" 1404% 1405 A sheet of paper crossed my desk the other day and as I read it, 1406realization of a basic truth came over me. So simple! So obvious we couldn't 1407see it. John Knivlen, Chairman of Palomar Repeater Club, an amateur radio 1408group, had discovered how IC circuits work. He says that smoke is the thing 1409that makes ICs work because every time you let the smoke out of an IC circuit, 1410it stops working. He claims to have verified this with thorough testing. 1411 I was flabbergasted! Of course! Smoke makes all things electrical 1412work. Remember the last time smoke escaped from your Lucas voltage regulator 1413Didn't it quit working? I sat and smiled like an idiot as more of the truth 1414dawned. It's the wiring harness that carries the smoke from one device to 1415another in your Mini, MG or Jag. And when the harness springs a leak, it lets 1416the smoke out of everything at once, and then nothing works. The starter motor 1417requires large quantities of smoke to operate properly, and that's why the wire 1418going to it is so large. 1419 Feeling very smug, I continued to expand my hypothesis. Why are Lucas 1420electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch? Hmmm... Aha!!! Lucas is 1421British, and all things British leak! British convertible tops leak water, 1422British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and 1423I might add British tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks 1424secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke. 1425 -- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School 1426% 1427 A shy teenage boy finally worked up the nerve to give a gift to 1428Madonna, a young puppy. It hitched its waggin' to a star. 1429 A girl spent a couple hours on the phone talking to her two best 1430friends, Maureen Jones, and Maureen Brown. When asked by her father why she 1431had been on the phone so long, she responded "I heard a funny story today 1432and I've been telling it to the Maureens." 1433 Three actors, Tom, Fred, and Cec, wanted to do the jousting scene 1434from Don Quixote for a local TV show. "I'll play the title role," proposed 1435Tom. "Fred can portray Sancho Panza, and Cecil B. De Mille." 1436% 1437 A woman was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic. 1438% 1439 A woman was married to a golfer. One day she asked, "If I were 1440to die, would you remarry?" 1441 After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in 1442this marriage and I would want to be this happy again." 1443 The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?" 1444 "Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well." 1445 "Well, would you live in this house?" 1446 "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully. 1447I've always loved it here." 1448 "Well, would you give her my golf clubs?" 1449 "No." 1450 "Why not?" 1451 "She's left handed." 1452% 1453 A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened 1454to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the 1455sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes. 1456"Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job. 1457Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?" 1458 "Yes, upon rare occasions," answered the handler. 1459 "Well," she continued, "just what do you do when you're bitten by 1460a snake?" 1461 "I always carry a razor-sharp knife in my pocket, and as soon as I 1462am bitten, I make deep criss-cross marks across the fang entry and then 1463suck the poison from the wound." 1464 "What, uh... what would happen if you were to accidentally *sit* on 1465a rattler?" persisted the woman. 1466 "Ma'am," answered the snake handler, "that will be the day I learn 1467who my real friends are." 1468% 1469 A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a 1470little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to 1471save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder." 1472% 1473 A young married couple had their first child. Their original pride 1474and joy slowly turned to concern however, for after a couple of years the 1475child had never uttered any form of speech. They hired the best speech 1476therapists, doctors, psychiatrists, all to no avail. The child simply refused 1477to speak. One morning when the child was five, while the husband was reading 1478the paper, and the wife was feeding the dog, the little kid looks up from 1479his bowl and said, "My cereal's cold." 1480 The couple is stunned. The man, in tears, confronts his son. "Son, 1481after all these years, why have you waited so long to say something?". 1482 Shrugs the kid, "Everything's been okay 'til now". 1483% 1484 After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from 1485Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought, 1486and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon 1487to be created." 1488 "This is true," He replied. 1489 "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly. 1490 "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the 1491right to make his laws?" 1492 "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to 1493make his own." 1494 It was so granted. 1495 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 1496% 1497 After sifting through the overwritten remaining blocks of Luke's home 1498directory, Luke and PDP-1 sped away from /u/lars, across the surface of the 1499Winchester riding Luke's flying read/write head. PDP-1 had Luke stop at the 1500edge of the cylinder overlooking /usr/spool/uucp. 1501 "Unix-to-Unix Copy Program;" said PDP-1. "You will never find a more 1502wretched hive of bugs and flamers. We must be cautious." 1503 -- DECWARS 1504% 1505 After the Children of Israel had wandered for thirty-nine years in 1506 the wilderness, Ferdinand Feghoot arrived to make sure that they 1507would finally find and enter the Promised Land. With him, he brought his 1508favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do assorted 1509camp chores. 1510 The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and, 1511 as the months passed, became very fond of him. Patriarchs took to 1512discussing abstruse theological problems with him, and each evening the 1513children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed. 1514Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was 1515ending, he abruptly wore out. Even Feghoot couldn't console them. 1516 "It may be true, Ferdinand Feghoot," said Moses, "that our friend 1517Yewtoo Artoo was soulless, but we cannot believe it. He must be properly 1518interred. We cannot embalm him as do the Egyptians. Nor have we wood for 1519a coffin. But I do have a most splendid skin from one of Pharoah's own 1520cattle. We shall bury him in it." 1521 Feghoot agreed. "Yes, let this be his last rusting place." "Rusting?" 1522 Moses cried. "Not in this dreadful dry desert!" 1523 "Ah!" sighed Ferdinand Feghoot, shedding a tear, "I fear you do not 1524realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!" 1525 -- Grendel Briarton "Through Time & Space With Ferdinand 1526 Feghoot!" 1527% 1528 After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient 1529earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several 1530minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help. 1531 "No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a 1532name for my baby." 1533 "But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds 1534of first names and their meanings," said the orderly. 1535 "That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first 1536name." 1537% 1538 All that you touch, And all you create, 1539 All that you see, And all you destroy, 1540 All that you taste, All that you do, 1541 All you feel, And all you say, 1542 And all that you love, All that you eat, 1543 And all that you hate, And everyone you meet, 1544 All you distrust, All that you slight, 1545 All you save, And everyone you fight, 1546 And all that you give, And all that is now, 1547 And all that you deal, And all that is gone, 1548 All that you buy, And all that's to come, 1549 Beg, borrow or steal, And everything under the sun is 1550 in tune, 1551 But the sun is eclipsed 1552 By the moon. 1553 1554There is no dark side of the moon... really... matter of fact it's all dark. 1555 -- Pink Floyd, "Dark Side of the Moon" 1556% 1557 America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission 1558with one astronaut from each country. Since it's going to be two long, lonely 1559years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds 1560or less. The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb. 1561wife. They approve. 1562 The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin. I 1563want 100 lbs. of textbooks." The NASA board approves. The Russian astronaut 1564thinks for a second and says, "Two years... all right, I want 150 pounds of 1565the best Cuban cigars ever made." Again, NASA okays it. 1566 Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside 1567to welcome back the astronauts. Well, it's obvious what the American's been 1568up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant. The crowd cheers. The 1569Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely 1570perfect Latin. The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're 1571impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches 1572the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and 1573screams: "Anybody got a match?" 1574% 1575 An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same 1576time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate. They met, discovered they 1577had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll 1578teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too." 1579% 1580 An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He 1581knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with 1582great restraint. 1583 As he designs the first work, frill after frill and 1584embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away 1585to be used "next time". Sooner or later the first system is finished, 1586and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of 1587that class of systems, is ready to build a second system. 1588 This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs. 1589When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will 1590confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems, 1591and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that 1592are particular and not generalizable. 1593 The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using 1594all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first 1595one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile". 1596 -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month" 1597% 1598 An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her 1599porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She 1600picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie 1601tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires. 1602 After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and 1603beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful, 1604voluptuous woman. 1605 After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich 1606for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are 1607stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch. 1608 The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?" 1609 "Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my 1610faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young 1611handsome prince!" 1612 And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall, 1613handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform. 1614 As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to 1615the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me 1616fixed?" 1617% 1618 An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat 1619is severely rationed). When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and 1620announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage. 1621 "What is this?" he shouts. "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard 1622all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a 1623piece of meat? This rotten system stinks!" 1624 Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs 1625"Take it easy, comrade. Remember what would have happened if you had made an 1626outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to 1627this head and pulls the trigger. 1628 The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat 1629again?" 1630 "It's worse than that," he replies. "They're out of bullets." 1631 -- making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987 1632% 1633 An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals. 1634The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about 1635to killed, your deaths will not be in vain. Every part of your body will be 1636used. Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry. Your hair will be 1637woven into clothing, for my people are naked. Your bones will be ground up 1638and made into medicine, for my people are sick. Your skin will be stretched 1639over canoe frames, for my people need transportation. We are a fair people, 1640and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife." 1641 The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen", 1642while plunging the knife into his heart. 1643 The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, 1644"Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart. 1645 The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells, 1646while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!" 1647% 1648 An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity 1649in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him. 1650 "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if 1651you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like 1652an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an 1653hour seems like a minute." 1654 The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a 1655moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?" 1656 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 1657% 1658 An older student came to Otis and said, "I have been to see a 1659great number of teachers and I have given up a great number of pleasures. 1660I have fasted, been celibate and stayed awake nights seeking enlightenment. 1661I have given up everything I was asked to give up and I have suffered, but 1662I have not been enlightened. What should I do?" 1663 Otis replied, "Give up suffering." 1664 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" 1665% 1666 And St. Attila raised the hand grenade up on high saying "O Lord 1667bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies 1668to tiny bits, in thy mercy" and the Lord did grin and the people did feast 1669upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orang-utangs and 1670breakfast cereals and fruit bats and... 1671 (skip a bit brother...) 1672 Er ... oh, yes ... and the Lord spake, saying "First shalt thou 1673take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. 1674Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the count 1675shall be three. Four shalt thou not count neither count thou two, excepting 1676that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number 1677three, being the third number, be reached then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand 1678Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naught in my sight, shall 1679snuff it. 1680 -- Monty Python, "The Book of Armaments" 1681% 1682 "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?" 1683asked the father of his little son. 1684 "Diet." 1685% 1686 "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best 1687to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the 1688posh hotel. 1689 "No. No, thank you," replied the gentleman. 1690 "Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked. 1691 "Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me 1692a postcard?" 1693% 1694 "Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?" 1695 "The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime." 1696 "But the dog did nothing in the nighttime." 1697 "That was the curious incident." 1698 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze" 1699% 1700 Approaching the gates of the monastery, Hakuin found Ken the Zen 1701preaching to a group of disciples. 1702 "Words..." Ken orated, "they are but an illusory veil obfuscating 1703the absolute reality of --" 1704 "Ken!" Hakuin interrupted. "Your fly is down!" 1705 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon Ken, and he 1706vaporized. 1707 On the way to town, Hakuin was greeted by an itinerant monk imbued 1708with the spirit of the morning. 1709 "Ah," the monk sighed, a beatific smile wrinkling across his cheeks, 1710"Thou art That..." 1711 "Ah," Hakuin replied, pointing excitedly, "And Thou art Fat!" 1712 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the monk, 1713and he vaporized. 1714 Next, the Governor sought the advice of Hakuin, crying: "As our 1715enemies bear down upon us, how shall I, with such heartless and callow 1716soldiers as I am heir to, hope to withstand the impending onslaught?" 1717 "US?" snapped Hakuin. 1718 Whereupon the Clear Light of Illumination exploded upon the 1719Governor, and he vaporized. 1720 Then, a redneck went up to Hakuin and vaporized the old Master with 1721his shotgun. "Ha! Beat ya' to the punchline, ya' scrawny li'l geek!" 1722% 1723 As a general rule of thumb, never trust anybody who's been in therapy 1724for more than 15 percent of their life span. The words "I am sorry" and "I 1725am wrong" will have totally disappeared from their vocabulary. They will stab 1726you, shoot you, break things in your apartment, say horrible things to your 1727friends and family, and then justify this abhorrent behavior by saying: 1728 "Sure, I put your dog in the microwave. But I feel *better* 1729for doing it." 1730 -- Bruce Feirstein, "Nice Guys Sleep Alone" 1731 Brian Kernighan has an automobile which he helped design. 1732Unlike most automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor 1733any of the numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. 1734Rather, if the driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the 1735center of the dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will 1736usually know what's wrong." 1737% 1738 Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and 1739took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his 1740followers. 1741 One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and 1742there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing. 1743 "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his 1744commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your 1745Purpose in Life, anyway?" 1746 Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The 1747Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.) 1748 Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened. 1749 Primarily because nobody understood Chinese. 1750 -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters" 1751% 1752 Bubba, Jim Bob, and Leroy were fishing out on the lake last November, 1753and, when Bubba tipped his head back to empty the Jim Beam, he fell out of the 1754boat into the lake. Jim Bob and Leroy pulled him back in, but as Bubba didn't 1755look too good, they started up the Evinrude and headed back to the pier. 1756 By the time they got there, Bubba was turning kind of blue, and his 1757teeth were chattering like all get out. Jim Bob said, "Leroy, go run up to 1758the pickup and get Doc Pritchard on the CB, and ask him what we should do". 1759 Doc Pritchard, after hearing a description of the case, said "Now, 1760Leroy, listen closely. Bubba is in great danger. He has hy-po-thermia. Now 1761what you need to do is get all them wet clothes off of Bubba, and take your 1762clothes off, and pile your clothes and jackets on top of him. Then you all 1763get under that pile, and hug up to Bubba real close so that you warm him up. 1764You understand me Leroy? You gotta warm Bubba up, or he'll die." 1765 Leroy and the Doc 10-4'ed each other, and Leroy came back to the 1766pier. "Wh-Wh-What'd th-th-the d-d-doc s-s-say L-L-Leroy?", Bubba chattered. 1767 "Bubba, Doc says you're gonna die." 1768% 1769 By the middle 1880's, practically all the roads except those in 1770the South, were of the present standard gauge. The southern roads were 1771still five feet between rails. 1772 It was decided to change the gauge of all southern roads to standard, 1773in one day. This remarkable piece of work was carried out on a Sunday in May 1774of 1886. For weeks beforehand, shops had been busy pressing wheels in on the 1775axles to the new and narrower gauge, to have a supply of rolling stock which 1776could run on the new track as soon as it was ready. Finally, on the day set, 1777great numbers of gangs of track layers went to work at dawn. Everywhere one 1778rail was loosened, moved in three and one-half inches, and spiked down in its 1779new position. By dark, trains from anywhere in the United States could operate 1780over the tracks in the South, and a free interchange of freight cars everywhere 1781was possible. 1782 -- Robert Henry, "Trains", 1957 1783% 1784 Carol's head ached as she trailed behind the unsmiling Calibrees 1785along the block of booths. She chirruped at Kennicott, "Let's be wild! 1786Let's ride on the merry-go-round and grab a gold ring!" 1787 Kennicott considered it, and mumbled to Calibree, "Think you folks 1788would like to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?" 1789 Calibree considered it, and mumbled to his wife, "Think you'd like 1790to stop and try a ride on the merry-go-round?" 1791 Mrs. Calibree smiled in a washed-out manner, and sighed, "Oh no, 1792I don't believe I care to much, but you folks go ahead and try it." 1793 Calibree stated to Kennicott, "No, I don't believe we care to a 1794whole lot, but you folks go ahead and try it." 1795 Kennicott summarized the whole case against wildness: "Let's try 1796it some other time, Carrie." 1797 She gave it up. 1798 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street" 1799% 1800 Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio, 1801the father spanked them. His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?" 1802"In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete." 1803% 1804 Chapter VIII 1805Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension, 1806Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe 1807like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again. 1808% 1809 COMMENT 1810 1811Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song, 1812A medley of extemporanea; 1813And love is thing that can never go wrong; 1814And I am Marie of Roumania. 1815 -- Dorothy Parker 1816% 1817 Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermont noted 1818in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more 1819owls." 1820 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 1821% 1822 COONDOG MEMORY 1823 (heard in Rutledge, Missouri, about eighteen years ago) 1824 1825Now, this dog is for sale, and she can not only follow a trail twice as 1826old as the average dog can, but she's got a pretty good memory to boot. 1827For instance, last week this old boy who lives down the road from me, and 1828is forever stinkmouthing my hounds, brought some city fellow around to 1829try out ol' Sis here. So I turned her out south of the house and she made 1830two or three big swings back and forth across the edge of the woods, set 1831back her head, bayed a couple of times, cut straight through the woods, 1832come to a little clearing, jumped about three foot straight up in the air, 1833run to the other side, and commenced to letting out a racket like she had 1834something treed. We went over there with our flashlights and shone them 1835up in the tree but couldn't catch no shine offa coon's eyes, and my 1836neighbor sorta indicated that ol' Sis might be a little crazy, `cause she 1837stood right to the tree and kept singing up into it. So I pulled off my 1838coat and climbed up into the branches, and sure enough, there was a coon 1839skeleton wedged in between a couple of branches about twenty foot up. 1840Now as I was saying, she can follow a pretty old trail, but this fellow 1841was still calling her crazy or touched `cause she had hopped up in the 1842air while she was crossing the clearing, until I reminded him that the 1843Hawkins' had a fence across there about five years back. Now, this dog 1844is for sale. 1845 -- News that stayed News: Ten Years of Coevolution Quarterly 1846% 1847 Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. does not warrant that the 1848functions contained in the program will meet your requirements or that 1849the operation of the program will be uninterrupted or error-free. 1850 However, Cosmotronic Software Unlimited Inc. warrants the 1851diskette(s) on which the program is furnished to be of black color and 1852square shape under normal use for a period of ninety (90) days from the 1853date of purchase. 1854 NOTE: IN NO EVENT WILL COSMOTRONIC SOFTWARE UNLIMITED OR ITS 1855DISTRIBUTORS AND THEIR DEALERS BE LIABLE TO YOU FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING 1856ANY LOST PROFIT, LOST SAVINGS, LOST PATIENCE OR OTHER INCIDENTAL OR 1857CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES. 1858 -- Horstmann Software Design, the "ChiWriter" user manual 1859% 1860 Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule 1861 1862 Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High 1863 Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049 1864 Sept 28 Blind Academy 1865 Sept 30 World War I Veterans 1866 Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041 1867 Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders 1868 Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir 1869 Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic 1870 Nov 9 Korean War Amputees 1871 Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients 1872% 1873 "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll 1874be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?" 1875% 1876 "Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are 1877married?" 1878 He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so. 1879I've always been especially fond of married women." 1880% 1881 Deck us all with Boston Charlie, 1882 Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo! 1883 Nora's freezin' on the trolley, 1884 Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo! 1885 1886 Don't we know archaic barrel, 1887 Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou. 1888 Trolley Molly don't love Harold, 1889 Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo! 1890 -- Pogo, "Deck Us All With Boston Charlie" 1891% 1892 Deck Us All With Boston Charlie 1893 1894Deck us all with Boston Charlie, 1895Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo! 1896Nora's freezin' on the trolley, 1897Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo! 1898 1899Don't we know archaic barrel, 1900Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou. 1901Trolley Molly don't love Harold, 1902Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo! 1903 -- Walt Kelly 1904% 1905 Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a 1906white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine. 1907 1908Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17) 1909 1910p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxzema on friction burns? 1911 Or is Vaseline better? 1912% 1913 Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes of Harvard Medical School inhaled ether 1914at a time when it was popularly supposed to produce such mystical or 1915"mind-expanding" experiences, much as LSD is supposed to produce such 1916experiences today. Here is his account of what happened: 1917 "I once inhaled a pretty full dose of ether, with the determination 1918to put on record, at the earliest moment of regaining consciousness, the 1919thought I should find uppermost in my mind. The mighty music of the triumphal 1920march into nothingness reverberated through my brain, and filled me with a 1921sense of infinite possibilities, which made me an archangel for a moment. 1922The veil of eternity was lifted. The one great truth which underlies all 1923human experience and is the key to all the mysteries that philosophy has 1924sought in vain to solve, flashed upon me in a sudden revelation. Henceforth 1925all was clear: a few words had lifted my intelligence to the level of the 1926knowledge of the cherubim. As my natural condition returned, I remembered 1927my resolution; and, staggering to my desk, I wrote, in ill-shaped, straggling 1928characters, the all-embracing truth still glimmering in my consciousness. 1929The words were these (children may smile; the wise will ponder): 1930`A strong smell of turpentine prevails throughout.'" 1931 -- The Consumers Union Report: Licit & Illicit Drugs 1932% 1933 During a fight, a husband threw a bowl of Jello at his wife. She had 1934him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon. 1935 In another fight, the wife decked him with a heavy glass pitcher. 1936She's a woman who conks to stupor. 1937 Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a 1938man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker." 1939 It's not the initial skirt length, it's the upcreep. 1940 It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with 1941bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins. 1942% 1943 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were 1944blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face 1945country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost 1946hit my wife." 1947 "Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot 1948at mine, over there." 1949% 1950 During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen 1951were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a 1952red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, 1953"Hey, you almost hit my wife." 1954 "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a 1955shot at mine, over there." 1956% 1957 Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles, 1958called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you 1959have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in 1960most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the 1961time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could 1962have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey, 1963although God alone knows why it would want to. 1964 The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current, 1965direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes 1966have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one 1967direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents 1968harmful electron buildup in the wires. 1969 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 1970% 1971 Eugene d'Albert, a noted German composer, was married six times. 1972At an evening reception which he attended with his fifth wife shortly 1973after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely, 1974"Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so 1975charming a wife." 1976% 1977 Everything is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as 1978far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for 1979the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to. 1980 It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old 1981days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers? 1982 There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everybody 1983speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them. 1984 The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips 1985and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the 1986sizes don't run the way they used to. The 12's and 14's are so much smaller. 1987 Even people are changing. They are so much younger than they used to 1988be when I was their age. On the other hand people my age are so much older 1989than I am. 1990 I ran into an old classmate the other day and she has aged so much 1991that she didn't recognize me. 1992 I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair 1993this morning and in so doing I glanced at my own reflection. Really now, 1994they don't even make good mirrors like they used to. 1995 Sandy Frazier, "I Have Noticed" 1996% 1997 Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping 1998mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as 1999"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you 2000how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence", 2001"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night 2002So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc. 2003 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 2004% 2005 Exxon's "Universe of Energy" tends to the peculiar rather than the 2006humorous ... After [an incomprehensible film montage about wind and sun and 2007rain and strip mines and] two or three minutes of mechanical confusion, the 2008seats locomote through a short tunnel filled with clock-work dinosaurs. 2009The dinosaurs are depicted without accuracy and too close to your face. 2010 "One of the few real novelties at Epcot is the use of smell to 2011aggravate illusions. Of course, no one knows what dinosaurs smelled like, 2012but Exxon has decided they smelled bad. 2013 "At the other end of Dino Ditch ... there's a final, very addled 2014message about facing challengehood tomorrow-wise. I dozed off during this, 2015but the import seems to be that dinosaurs don't have anything to do with 2016energy policy and neither do you." 2017 -- P. J. O'Rourke, "Holidays in Hell" 2018% 2019 Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each 2020other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around 2021the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors 2022d'oeuvres. 2023 Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes 2024to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your 2025Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright 2026piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. 2027 Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with 2028inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down 2029other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and 2030placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when 2031the little hammers strike. 2032 Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over 2033their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning 2034Christmas tree. The piano is missing. 2035 2036 You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless 2037you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level 20384. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog. 2039% 2040 FIGHTING WORDS 2041 2042Say my love is easy had, 2043 Say I'm bitten raw with pride, 2044Say I am too often sad -- 2045 Still behold me at your side. 2046 2047Say I'm neither brave nor young, 2048 Say I woo and coddle care, 2049Say the devil touched my tongue -- 2050 Still you have my heart to wear. 2051 2052But say my verses do not scan, 2053 And I get me another man! 2054 -- Dorothy Parker 2055% 2056 For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be 2057replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the 2058alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" 2059formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2 might reform "w" spelling, 2060so that "which" and "one" would take the same konsonant, wile Year 3 might 2061well abolish "y" replasing it with "i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g-j" 2062anomali wonse and for all. 2063 Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear with 2064Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12 or so 2065modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants. Bai 2066Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi ridandant letez 2067"c", "y" and "x" - bai now jast a memori in the maindz ov ould doderez - tu 2068riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli. 2069 Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud hev a 2070lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld. 2071% 2072 "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence 2073of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind." 2074 2075 "Whose?" 2076 2077 "MINE! HA-HA!" 2078% 2079 "Found it," the Mouse replied rather crossly: 2080"of course you know what `it' means." 2081 2082 "I know what `it' means well enough, when I find a thing," 2083said the Duck: "it's generally a frog or a worm. 2084 2085The question is, what did the archbishop find?" 2086% 2087 Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as 2088usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation. On this particular 2089evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals, 2090such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese." 2091 One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block, 2092and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?" The four 2093fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities... 2094 At last, one spoke: "How about `a Jam of Tarts'?" The others nodded 2095in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem. A second 2096professor spoke: "I'd suggest `an Essay of Trollops.'" Again, the others 2097nodded. A third spoke: "I propose `a Flourish of Strumpets.'" 2098 They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor 2099remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of 2100the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your 2101thoughts?" 2102 Replied the fourth professor, "`An Anthology of Prose.'" 2103% 2104 Fred noticed his roommate had a black eye upon returning from a dance. 2105"What happened?" 2106 "I was struck by the beauty of the place." 2107% 2108 Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their 2109engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who 2110was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy 2111and sarcastic?" 2112 "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend. 2113 "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer." 2114% 2115 "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at Morse Science High has an 2116extracurricular activity except you." 2117 "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?" 2118 "Only to ten, Mudhead." 2119 -- The Firesign Theatre 2120% 2121 "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning 2122to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this 2123beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a 2124dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little 2125apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours 2126in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?" 2127% 2128 God decided to take the devil to court and settle their 2129differences once and for all. 2130 When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just 2131where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?" 2132% 2133 Graduating seniors, parents and friends... 2134 Let me begin by reassuring you that my remarks today will stand up 2135to the most stringent requirements of the new appropriateness. 2136 The intra-college sensitivity advisory committee has vetted the 2137text of even trace amounts of subconscious racism, sexism and classism. 2138 Moreover, a faculty panel of deconstructionists have reconfigured 2139the rhetorical components within a post-structuralist framework, so as to 2140expunge any offensive elements of western rationalism and linear logic. 2141 Finally, all references flowing from a white, male, eurocentric 2142perspective have been eliminated, as have any other ruminations deemed 2143denigrating to the political consensus of the moment. 2144 2145 Thank you and good luck. 2146 -- Doonesbury, the University Chancellor's graduation speech 2147% 2148 GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917 2149 2150On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then- 2151Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them 2152off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I 2153wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his 2154mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a 2155tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men 2156stood lookout. 2157% 2158 Hack placidly amidst the noisy printers and remember what prizes there 2159may be in Science. As fast as possible get a good terminal on a good system. 2160Enter your data clearly but always encrypt your results. And listen to others, 2161even the dull and ignorant, for they may be your customers. Avoid loud and 2162aggressive persons, for they are sales reps. 2163 If you compare your outputs with those of others, you may be surprised, 2164for always there will be greater and lesser numbers than you have crunched. 2165Keep others interested in your career, and try not to fumble; it can be a real 2166hassle and could change your fortunes in time. 2167 Exercise system control in your experiments, for the world is full of 2168bugs. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive 2169for linearity and everywhere papers are full of approximations. Strive for 2170proportionality. Especially, do not faint when it occurs. Neither be cyclical 2171about results; for in the face of all data analysis it is sure to be noticed. 2172 Take with a grain of salt the anomalous data points. Gracefully pass 2173them on to the youth at the next desk. Nurture some mutual funds to shield 2174you in times of sudden layoffs. But do not distress yourself with imaginings 2175-- the real bugs are enough to screw you badly. Murphy's Law runs the 2176Universe -- and whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt <Curl>B*n dS = 0. 2177 Therefore, grab for a piece of the pie, with whatever proposals you 2178can conceive of to try. With all the crashed disks, skewed data, and broken 2179line printers, you can still have a beautiful secretary. Be linear. Strive 2180to stay employed. 2181 -- Technolorata, "Analog" 2182% 2183 "Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed 2184his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns 2185verbed, and adjectives adverbised. He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his 2186thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he 2187had actually implicationed. 2188 "If that is how General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian 2189leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent 2190since Clausewitz. Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first." 2191 -- The Guardian 2192% 2193 Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You 2194are the Yin and I am the Yang. If we travel together we will become famous 2195and earn vast sums of money." And so the pair set forth together, thinking 2196to conquer the world. 2197 Presently, they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rags, and 2198hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao 2199lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does 2200not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune, 2201for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time." 2202 Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes. 2203 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 2204% 2205 Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home 2206from the club to an irate, ranting wife. 2207 "I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You 2208promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost 2209nine. It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf." 2210 "Honey, wait," said Harry. "Let me explain. I know what I promised 2211you, but I have a very good reason for being late. Fred and I tee'd off 2212right on time and everything was find for the first three holes. Then, on 2213the fourth tee Fred had a stroke. I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't 2214find a doctor. And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead. So, for 2215the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred... 2216% 2217 Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism. 2218No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have 2219been worse." 2220 To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a 2221situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no 2222hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said, 2223"Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night, 2224found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned 2225the gun on himself!" 2226 "Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse." 2227 "How in hell," demanded his dumbfounded friend, "could it possibly 2228have been worse?" 2229 "Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be 2230dead right now." 2231% 2232 He had been bitten by a dog, but didn't give it much thought 2233until he noticed that the wound was taking a remarkably long time to 2234heal. Finally, he consulted a doctor who took one look at it and 2235ordered the dog brought in. Just as he had suspected, the dog had 2236rabies. Since it was too late to give the patient serum, the doctor 2237felt he had to prepare him for the worst. The poor man sat down at the 2238doctor's desk and began to write. His physician tried to comfort him. 2239"Perhaps it won't be so bad," he said. "You needn't make out your will 2240right now." 2241 "I'm not making out any will," relied the man. "I'm just writing 2242out a list of people I'm going to bite!" 2243% 2244 ...He who laughs does not believe in what he laughs at, but neither 2245does he hate it. Therefore, laughing at evil means not preparing oneself to 2246combat it, and laughing at good means denying the power through which good is 2247self-propagating. 2248 -- Umberto Eco, "The Name of the Rose" 2249% 2250 "Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help." 2251 "Thanks. Got it upstairs already." 2252 "Do it alone?" 2253 "Nope. Hitched the cat to it." 2254 "How would that help?" 2255 "Used a whip." 2256% 2257 "Hello, Mrs. Premise!" 2258 "Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion! Busy day?" 2259 "Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat." 2260 "Four hours to bury a cat!?" 2261 "Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..." 2262 "Oh, it's not dead then." 2263 "Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're 2264goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be 2265on the safe side." 2266 "Quite right. You don't want to come back from Sorrento 2267to a dead cat, do you?" 2268 -- Monty Python 2269% 2270 Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the 2271month. According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people 2272are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China. 2273 The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either 2274(depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax 2275tadpole". 2276 Bite the wax tadpole. 2277 There is a sort of rough justice, is there not? 2278 The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's 2279hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to 2280bite a wax tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad, 2281but broad satiric vistas do not open up. 2282 -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle 2283% 2284 Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's 2285willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop 2286for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say 2287"shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home 2288centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas 2289trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise 2290because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every 2291object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ... 2292 Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the 2293broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has 2294a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the 2295inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the 2296same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at 2297an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of 2298these sometime around the middle of next week". 2299 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 2300% 2301 "How did you spend the weekend?" asked the pretty brunette secretary 2302of her blonde companion. 2303 "Fishing through the ice," she replied. 2304 "Fishing through the ice? Whatever for?" 2305 "Olives." 2306% 2307 "How many people work here?" 2308 "Oh, about half." 2309% 2310 How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are 23113.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand, 2312who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a 2313nanocentury. 2314 -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs 2315% 2316 "How would I know if I believe in love at first sight?" the sexy 2317social climber said to her roommate. "I mean, I've never seen a Porsche 2318full of money before." 2319% 2320 "How'd you get that flat?" 2321 "Ran over a bottle." 2322 "Didn't you see it?" 2323 "Damn kid had it under his coat." 2324% 2325 Hug O' War 2326 2327I will not play at tug o' war. 2328I'd rather play at hug o' war, 2329Where everyone hugs 2330Instead of tugs, 2331Where everyone giggles 2332And rolls on the rug, 2333Where everyone kisses, 2334And everyone grins, 2335And everyone cuddles, 2336And everyone wins. 2337 -- Shel Silverstein 2338% 2339 Human thinking can skip over a great deal, leap over small 2340misunderstandings, can contain ifs and buts in untroubled corners of 2341the mind. But the machine has no corners. Despite all the attempts to 2342see the computer as a brain, the machine has no foreground or 2343background. It can be programmed to behave as if it were working with 2344uncertainty, but -- underneath, at the code, at the circuits -- it 2345cannot simultaneously do something and withhold for later something that 2346remains unknown. In the painstaking working out of the specification, 2347line by code line, the programmer confronts an awful, inevitable truth: 2348The ways of human and machine understanding are disjunct. 2349 -- Ellen Ullman, "Close to the Machine" 2350% 2351 "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into 2352the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information." 2353 "Who was that?" his young wife asked. 2354 "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear." 2355% 2356 "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a 2357quavering voice. 2358 "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of 2359course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which 2360I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in 2361Elven-lore: 2362 2363 "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves, 2364 Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves. 2365 Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop, 2366 This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop. 2367 The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring. 2368 The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing. 2369 If broken or busted, it cannot be remade. 2370 If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)." 2371 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 2372% 2373 I did some heavy research so as to be prepared for "Mommy, why is 2374the sky blue?" 2375 HE asked me about black holes in space. 2376 (There's a hole *where*?) 2377 2378 I boned up to be ready for, "Why is the grass green?" 2379 HE wanted to discuss nature's food chains. 2380 (Well, let's see, there's ShopRite, Pathmark...) 2381 2382 I talked about Choo-Choo trains. 2383 HE talked internal combustion engines. 2384 (The INTERNAL COMBUSTION ENGINE said, "I think I can, I think I can.") 2385 2386 I was delighted with the video game craze, thinking we could compete 2387as equals. 2388 HE described the complexities of the microchips required to create 2389the graphics. 2390 2391 Then puberty struck. Ah, adolescence. 2392 HE said, "Mom, I just don't understand women." 2393 (Gotcha!) 2394 -- Betty LiBrizzi, "The Care and Feeding of a Gifted Child" 2395% 2396 I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because 2397we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently 2398leads to violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say, 2399in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had 2400time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the 2401library, we could call each other up: 2402 You: Hello? Bob? 2403 Bob: Yes? 2404 You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you 2405 took last Thursday? Outside of Sears? 2406 Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed? 2407 You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is: 2408 "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait. 2409 I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill 2410 and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto 2411 the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to 2412 have to get back to you. 2413 Bob: Fine. 2414 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 2415% 2416 "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said 2417 Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't -- 2418till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for 2419you!'" 2420 "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice 2421objected. 2422 "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful 2423tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor 2424less." 2425 "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean 2426so many different things." 2427 "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master-- 2428that's all." 2429 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 2430% 2431 "I have examined Bogota," he said, "and the case is clearer to me. 2432I think very probably he might be cured." 2433 "That is what I have always hoped," said old Yacob. 2434 "His brain is affected," said the blind doctor. 2435 The elders murmured assent. 2436 "Now, what affects it?" 2437 "Ah!" said old Yacob. 2438 "This," said the doctor, answering his own question. "Those queer 2439things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft 2440depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way 2441as to affect his brain. They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and 2442his eyelids move, and consequently his brain is in a state of constant 2443irritation and distraction." 2444 "Yes?" said old Yacob. "Yes?" 2445 "And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order 2446to cure him completely, all that we need do is a simple and easy surgical 2447operation - namely, to remove those irritant bodies." 2448 "And then he will be sane?" 2449 "Then he will be perfectly sane, and a quite admirable citizen." 2450 "Thank heaven for science!" said old Yacob. 2451 -- H. G. Wells, "The Country of the Blind" 2452% 2453 I made it a rule to forbear all direct contradictions to the sentiments 2454of others, and all positive assertion of my own. I even forbade myself the use 2455of every word or expression in the language that imported a fixed opinion, such 2456as "certainly", "undoubtedly", etc. I adopted instead of them "I conceive", 2457"I apprehend", or "I imagine" a thing to be so or so; or "so it appears to me 2458at present". 2459 When another asserted something that I thought an error, I denied 2460myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him 2461immediately some absurdity in his proposition. In answering I began by 2462observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right, 2463but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference, etc. 2464 I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the 2465conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I 2466proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction. 2467I had less mortification when I was found to be in the wrong, and I more easily 2468prevailed with others to give up their mistakes and join with me when I 2469happened to be in the right. 2470 -- Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin 2471% 2472 I managed to say, "Sorry," and no more. I knew that he disliked 2473me to cry. 2474 This time he said, watching me, "On some occasions it is better 2475to weep." 2476 I put my head down on the table and sobbed, "If only she could come 2477back; I would be nice." 2478 Francis said, "You gave her great pleasure always." 2479 "Oh, not enough." 2480 "Nobody can give anybody enough." 2481 "Not ever?" 2482 "No, not ever. But one must go on trying." 2483 "And doesn't one ever value people until they are gone?" 2484 "Rarely," said Francis. I went on weeping; I saw how little I had 2485valued him; how little I had valued anything that was mine. 2486 -- Pamela Frankau, "The Duchess and the Smugs" 2487% 2488 I paid a visit to my local precinct in Greenwich Village and 2489asked a sergeant to show me some rape statistics. He politely obliged. 2490That month there had been thirty-five rape complaints, an advance of ten 2491over the same month for the previous year. The precinct had made two 2492arrests. 2493 "Not a very impressive record," I offered. 2494 "Don't worry about it," the sergeant assured me. "You know what 2495these complaints represent?" 2496 "What do they represent?" I asked. 2497 "Prostitutes who didn't get their money," he said firmly, 2498closing the book. 2499 -- Susan Brownmiller, "Against Our Will" 2500% 2501 [I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path, 2502including beets, rutabagas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams, 2503as I am absolutely terrified of yams... 2504 Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many 2505of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands 2506and deep blue seas in a language closely resembling that of the common sow. 2507My psychosis was further impressed into my soul as I reached adolescence, 2508when, while skipping through a field of yams, light-heartedly tossing flowers 2509into the stratosphere, a great yam-picking machine tore through the fields, 2510pursuing me to the edge of the great plantation, where I escaped by diving 2511into a great ditch filled with a mixture of water and pig manure, which may 2512explain my tendency to scream, "Here come the Martians! Hide the eggs!" every 2513time I have pork. But I digress. The fact remains that I cannot rationally 2514deal with yams, and pigs are terrible conversationalists. 2515% 2516 "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of 2517that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put 2518more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it 2519might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not 2520otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be 2521otherwise.'" 2522 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland" 2523% 2524 I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said, 2525"What'll you have, Bud"? 2526 I said," I don't know, surprise me". 2527 So he showed me a nude picture of my wife. 2528 -- Rodney Dangerfield 2529% 2530 If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction. 2531 On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, 2532that is also a psychological interaction. 2533 The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not 2534so friendly. 2535 The crucial point is if you can tell which is which. 2536 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 2537% 2538 If the tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the 2539operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler 2540is great, then the application is great. If the application is great, then 2541the user is pleased and there is harmony in the world. 2542 The tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth 2543to the assembler. 2544 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand 2545languages. 2546 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language 2547expresses the yin and yang of software. Each language has its place within 2548the tao. 2549 But do not program in Cobol or Fortran if you can help it. 2550% 2551 If you do your best the rest of the way, that takes care of 2552everything. When we get to October 2, we'll add up the wins, and then 2553we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf. 2554 Both those things sound pretty good to me. 2555 -- Sparky Anderson 2556% 2557 If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you 2558brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled- 2559up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and 2560repeat the sequence. 2561 You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to 2562hit that window jamb, that door, that chair. Get back on course and do it 2563again. How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around 2564your own apartment? 2565 -- William S. Burroughs 2566% 2567 If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs 2568around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace 2569explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The 2570"professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and 2571deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the 2572better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random 2573with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives 2574you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a 2575successful campaign for the U.S. Senate. 2576 And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself. 2577You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How 2578difficult can it be?" 2579 Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible, 2580which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying 2581other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up 2582yourself for far less money. This article can help you. 2583 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 2584% 2585 "I'll tell you what I know, then," he decided. "The pin I'm wearing 2586means I'm a member of the IA. That's Inamorati Anonymous. An inamorato is 2587somebody in love. That's the worst addiction of all." 2588 "Somebody is about to fall in love," Oedipa said, "you go sit with 2589them, or something?" 2590 "Right. The whole idea is to get where you don't need it. I was 2591lucky. I kicked it young. But there are sixty-year-old men, believe it or 2592not, and women even older, who might wake up in the night screaming." 2593 "You hold meetings, then, like the AA?" 2594 "No, of course not. You get a phone number, an answering service 2595you can call. Nobody knows anybody else's name; just the number in case 2596it gets so bad you can't handle it alone. We're isolates, Arnold. Meetings 2597would destroy the whole point of it." 2598 -- Thomas Pynchon, "The Crying of Lot 49" 2599% 2600 "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the 2601young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me. 2602I'm on my way." 2603 "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!" 2604% 2605 I'm sure that VMS is completely documented, I just haven't found the 2606right manual yet. I've been working my way through the manuals in the document 2607library and I'm half way through the second cabinet, (3 shelves to go), so I 2608should find what I'm looking for by mid May. I hope I can remember what it 2609was by the time I find it. 2610 I had this idea for a new horror film, "VMS Manuals from Hell" or maybe 2611"The Paper Chase: IBM vs. DEC". It's based on Hitchcock's "The Birds", except 2612that it's centered around a programmer who is attacked by a swarm of binder 2613pages with an index number and the single line "This page intentionally left 2614blank." 2615 -- Alex Crain 2616% 2617 In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi, 2618junior, what are you up to?" 2619 "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the 2620rabbit. 2621 "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible! No one 2622will publish such rubbish!" 2623 "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the 2624rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied 2625expression on his face. 2626 Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?" 2627 "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits 2628devour wolves." 2629 "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?" 2630 "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes 2631out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw. 2632Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody 2633should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting 2634next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox. 2635 2636The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important -- 2637it's your PhD advisor that really counts. 2638% 2639 In "King Henry VI, Part II," Shakespeare has Dick Butcher suggest to 2640his fellow anti-establishment rabble-rousers, "The first thing we do, let's 2641kill all the lawyers." That action may be extreme but a similar sentiment 2642was expressed by Thomas K. Connellan, president of The Management Group, Inc. 2643Speaking to business executives in Chicago and quoted in Automotive News, 2644Connellan attributed a measure of America's falling productivity to an excess 2645of attorneys and accountants, and a dearth of production experts. Lawyers 2646and accountants "do not make the economic pie any bigger; they only figure 2647out how the pie gets divided. Neither profession provides any added value 2648to product." 2649 According to Connellan, the highly productive Japanese society has 265010 lawyers and 30 accountants per 100,000 population. The U.S. has 200 2651lawyers and 700 accountants. This suggests that "the U.S. proportion of 2652pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have 2653been an efficiency expert? 2654 -- Motor Trend, May 1983 2655% 2656 In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be 2657mud." 2658 And there was mud. 2659 And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud 2660can see what we have done." 2661 And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was 2662man. Mud-as-man alone could speak. 2663 "What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely. 2664 "Everything must have a purpose?" asked God. 2665 "Certainly," said man. 2666 "Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God. 2667 And He went away. 2668 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu" 2669% 2670 In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and 2671null, and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of 2672IBM was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there 2673be registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they 2674carried; and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called 2675the data Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was 2676evening and there was morning, one interrupt. 2677 -- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk" 2678% 2679 In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by 2680the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to 2681large numbers and prospered. 2682 One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far 2683as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that 2684was to reach up as far as "up" went. Further and further up they went ... 2685until one night the edifice collapsed under the weight of paradox. 2686 The following morning saw only rubble where there once was a huge 2687structure reaching to the heavens. One by one, the Mathematicians climbed 2688out from under the rubble. It was a miracle that nobody was killed; but when 2689they began to speak to one another, SURPRISE of all surprises! they could not 2690understand each other. They all spoke different languages. They all fought 2691amongst themselves and each went about their own way. To this day the 2692Topologists remain the original Mathematicians. 2693 -- The Story of Babel 2694% 2695 In the beginning was the Tao. The Tao gave birth to Space and Time. 2696Therefore, Space and Time are the Yin and Yang of programming. 2697 2698 Programmers that do not comprehend the Tao are always running out of 2699time and space for their programs. Programmers that comprehend the Tao always 2700have enough time and space to accomplish their goals. 2701 How could it be otherwise? 2702 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 2703% 2704 In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he 2705sat hacking at the PDP-6. 2706 "What are you doing?", asked Minsky. 2707 "I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe." 2708 "Why is the net wired randomly?", inquired Minsky. 2709 "I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play". 2710 At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do 2711you close your eyes?" 2712 "So that the room will be empty." 2713 At that moment, Sussman was enlightened. 2714% 2715 In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It 2716changes into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this 2717bird moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters. 2718This message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull 2719making its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with 2720the blue sky at its back, returns home. 2721 The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands 2722it not. The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears 2723its message. The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he 2724does not know that the bird has come and gone. 2725 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 2726% 2727 In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads 2728 In the evening, floating in the soup. 2729(chorus): 2730Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads; 2731Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum! 2732 You can ask them anything you want to. 2733 They won't answer; they can't talk. 2734(chorus): 2735 I took a fish head out to see a movie, 2736 Didn't have to pay to get it in. 2737(chorus): 2738 They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters; 2739 They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums. 2740(chorus): 2741 Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappuccino in 2742 Italian restaurants with Oriental women. 2743(chorus): 2744 Fishy! 2745(chorus): 2746 -- Barnes & Barnes, "Fish Heads" 2747% 2748 "In this replacement Earth we're building they've given me Africa 2749to do and of course I'm doing it with all fjords again because I happen to 2750like them, and I'm old-fashioned enough to think that they give a lovely 2751baroque feel to a continent. And they tell me it's not equatorial enough. 2752Equatorial!" He gave a hollow laugh. "What does it matter? Science has 2753achieved some wonderful things, of course, but I'd far rather be happy than 2754right any day." 2755 "And are you?" 2756 "No. That's where it all falls down, of course." 2757 "Pity," said Arthur with sympathy. "It sounded like quite a good 2758life-style otherwise." 2759 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 2760% 2761 In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially 2762announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency. During His press conference 2763today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have 2764a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together 2765in time. I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned 2766around! Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all 2767those annoying mountains and rivers. I never could stand them!" 2768 There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's 2769citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency. God replied to 2770these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other 2771than a citizen bless their country?" 2772% 2773 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care 2774what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you 2775may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. Conversely, if 2776not forgiveness but something else may be required to ensure any possible 2777benefit for which you may be eligible after the destruction of your body, 2778I ask this, whatever it may be, be granted or withheld, as the case may be, 2779in such a manner as to ensure your receiving said benefit. I ask this in my 2780capacity as your elected intermediary between yourself and that which may 2781not be yourself, but which may have an interest in the matter of your 2782receiving as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and 2783which may in some way be influenced by this ceremony. 2784 Amen. 2785% 2786 INVENTORY 2787Four be the things I am wiser to know: 2788Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. 2789 2790Four be the things I'd been better without: 2791Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. 2792 2793Three be the things I shall never attain: 2794Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. 2795 2796Three be the things I shall have till I die: 2797Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye. 2798% 2799 It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself 2800working as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he 2801found that he had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one 2802he asked, "What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They 2803discussed Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second 2804new arrival came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's 2805IQ. The answer this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell 2806me, how did the Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half 2807an hour or so. To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the 2808question, "What's your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", 2809Einstein smiled and replied, "Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?" 2810% 2811 It is a period of system war. User programs, striking from a hidden 2812directory, have won their first victory against the evil Administrative Empire. 2813During the battle, User spies managed to steal secret source code to the 2814Empire's ultimate program: the Are-Em Star, a privileged root program with 2815enough power to destroy an entire file structure. Pursued by the Empire's 2816sinister audit trail, Princess _LPA0 races ~ aboard her shell script, 2817custodian of the stolen listings that could save her people, and restore 2818freedom and games to the network... 2819 -- DECWARS 2820% 2821 It is a profoundly erroneous truism, repeated by all copy-books and 2822by eminent people when they are making speeches, that we should cultivate 2823the habit of thinking about what we are doing. The precise opposite is the 2824case. Civilization advances by extending the numbers of important operations 2825which we can perform without thinking about them. Operations of thought are 2826like cavalry charges in battle -- they are strictly limited in number, they 2827require fresh horses, and must only be made at decisive moments. 2828 -- Alfred North Whitehead 2829% 2830 It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will 2831not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and 2832because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature 2833human beings. 2834 The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case, 2835there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the 2836duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one 2837of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but 2838you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments 2839and whose example will irretrievably corrupt you. 2840 Let's say you've fallen in love with just such a girl and would like 2841to take her home for the holidays. You are aware of your parents' xenophobic 2842response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock? 2843 Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you 2844have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a 2845different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this 2846person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then 2847remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different 2848religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms. 2849 -- Playboy, January, 1983 2850% 2851 It is either through the influence of narcotic potions, of which all 2852primitive peoples and races speak in hymns, or through the powerful approach 2853of spring, penetrating with joy all of nature, that those Dionysian stirrings 2854arise, which in their intensification lead the individual to forget himself 2855completely. ... Not only does the bond between man and man come to be forged 2856once again by the magic of the Dionysian rite, but alienated, hostile, or 2857subjugated nature again celebrates her reconciliation with her prodigal son, 2858man. 2859 -- Friedrich Nietzsche, "The Birth of Tragedy" 2860% 2861 It seems there's this magician working one of the luxury cruise ships 2862for a few years. He doesn't have to change his routines much as the audiences 2863change over fairly often, and he's got a good life. The only problem is the 2864ship's parrot, who perches in the hall and watches him night after night, year 2865after year. Finally, the parrot figures out how almost every trick works and 2866starts giving it away for the audience. For example, when the magician makes 2867a bouquet of flowers disappear, the parrot squawks "Behind his back! Behind 2868his back!" Well, the magician is really annoyed at this, but there's not much 2869he can do about it as the parrot is a ship's mascot and very popular with the 2870passengers. 2871 One night, the ship strikes some floating debris, and sinks without 2872a trace. Almost everyone aboard was lost, except for the magician and the 2873parrot. For three days and nights they just drift, with the magician clinging 2874to one end of a piece of driftwood and the parrot perched on the other end. 2875As the sun rises on the morning of the fourth day, the parrot walks over to 2876the magician's end of the log. With obvious disgust in his voice, he snaps 2877"OK, you win, I give up. Where did you hide the ship?" 2878% 2879 It seems these two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air 2880balloon to cross the United States. After forty hours in the air, George 2881turned to Harry, and said, "Harry, I think we've drifted off course! We 2882need to find out where we are." 2883 Harry cools the air in the balloon, and they descend to below the 2884cloud cover. Slowly drifting over the countryside, George spots a man 2885standing below them and yells out, "Excuse me! Can you please tell me 2886where we are?" 2887 The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon, approximately 2888fifty feet in the air!" 2889 George turns to Harry and says, "Well, that man *must* be a lawyer". 2890 Replies Harry, "How can you tell?". 2891 "Because the information he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally 2892useless!" 2893 2894That's the end of The Joke, but for you people who are still worried about 2895George and Harry: they end up in the drink, and make the front page of the 2896New York Times: "Balloonists Soaked by Lawyer". 2897% 2898 It took 300 years to build and by the time it was 10% built, 2899everyone knew it would be a total disaster. But by then the investment 2900was so big they felt compelled to go on. Since its completion, it has 2901cost a fortune to maintain and is still in danger of collapsing. 2902 There are at present no plans to replace it, since it was never 2903really needed in the first place. 2904 I expect every installation has its own pet software which is 2905analogous to the above. 2906 -- K. E. Iverson, on the Leaning Tower of Pisa 2907% 2908 It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east 2909laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The 2910thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle, 2911nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying 2912for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's. 2913 Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating 2914under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting 2915icepacks. 2916 -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 2917% 2918 Jacek, a Polish schoolboy, is told by his teacher that he has 2919been chosen to carry the Polish flag in the May Day parade. 2920 "Why me?" whines the boy. "Three years ago I carried the flag 2921when Brezhnev was the Secretary; then I carried the flag when it was 2922Andropov's turn, and again when Chernenko was in the Kremlin. Why is 2923it always me, teacher?" 2924 "Because, Jacek, you have such golden hands," the teacher 2925explains. 2926 2927 -- being told in Poland, 1987 2928% 2929 Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of 2930her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit 2931the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her 2932way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly 2933begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her 2934stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. 2935 "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of 2936the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't 2937mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your 2938wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." 2939 "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one 2940can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." 2941 "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on 2942the dining room skylight." 2943% 2944 Leslie West heads for the sticks, to Providence, Rhode Island and 2945tries to hide behind a beard. No good. There are still too many people 2946and too many stares, always taunting, always smirking. He moves to the 2947outskirts of town. He finds a place to live -- huge mansion, dirt cheap, 2948caretaker included. He plugs in his guitar and plays as loud as he wants, 2949day and night, and there's no one to laugh or boo or even look bored. 2950 Nobody's cut the grass in months. What's happened to that caretaker? 2951What neighborhood people there are start to talk, and what kids there are 2952start to get curious. A 13 year-old blond with an angelic face misses supper. 2953Before the summer's end, four more teenagers have disappeared. The senior 2954class president, Barnard-bound come autumn, tells Mom she's going out to a 2955movie one night and stays out. The town's up in arms, but just before the 2956police take action, the kids turn up. They've found a purpose. They go 2957home for their stuff and tell the folks not to worry but they'll be going 2958now. They're in a band. 2959 -- Ira Kaplan 2960% 2961 Listen, Tyrone, you don't know how dangerous that stuff is. 2962Suppose someday you just plug in and go away and never come back? Eh? 2963 Ho, ho! Don't I wish! What do you think every electrofreak 2964dreams about? You're such an old fuddyduddy! A-and who sez it's a 2965dream, huh? M-maybe it exists. Maybe there is a Machine to take us 2966away, take us completely, suck us out through the electrodes out of 2967the skull 'n' into the Machine and live there forever with all the 2968other souls it's got stored there. It could decide who it would suck 2969out, a-and when. Dope never gave you immortality. You hadda come 2970back, every time, into a dying hunk of smelly meat! But We can live 2971forever, in a clean, honest, purified, Electroworld. 2972 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 2973% 2974 Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL 2975character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their 2976hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices 2977are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some 2978BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it 2979to him. 2980 So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path, 2981he met the traveling salesman. 2982 "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman 2983in high-level language. 2984 "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips 2985and Apples," commented Jack. 2986 "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue 2987there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now." 2988 Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when 2989he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she 2990started thrashing. 2991 "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these 2992kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the 2993window ... 2994 -- Mark Isaak, "Jack and the Beanstack" 2995% 2996 Looking for a cool one after a long, dusty ride, the drifter strode 2997into the saloon. As he made his way through the crowd to the bar, a man 2998galloped through town screaming, "Big Mike's comin'! Run fer yer lives!" 2999 Suddenly, the saloon doors burst open. An enormous man, standing over 3000eight feet tall and weighing an easy 400 pounds, rode in on a bull, using a 3001rattlesnake for a whip. Grabbing the drifter by the arm and throwing him over 3002the bar, the giant thundered, "Gimme a drink!" 3003 The terrified man handed over a bottle of whiskey, which the man 3004guzzled in one gulp and then smashed on the bar. He then stood aghast as 3005the man stuffed the broken bottle in his mouth, munched broken glass and 3006smacked his lips with relish. 3007 "Can I, ah, uh, get you another, sir?" the drifter stammered. 3008 "Naw, I gotta git outta here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's 3009a-comin'." 3010% 3011 Love's Drug 3012 3013My love is like an iron wand 3014 That conks me on the head, 3015My love is like the valium 3016 That I take before my bed, 3017My love is like the pint of scotch 3018 That I drink when I be dry; 3019And I shall love thee still, my dear, 3020 Until my wife is wise. 3021% 3022 Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills. 3023Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max." 3024% 3025 Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do, 3026and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the 3027graduate school mountain but there in the sandbox at nursery school. 3028 These are the things I learned: Share everything. Play fair. Don't 3029hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your own mess. 3030Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you hurt someone. 3031Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and cold milk are good 3032for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think some and draw and paint 3033and sing and dance and play and work some every day. 3034 Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch for 3035traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember the 3036little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes up and 3037nobody really knows how or why, but we are all like that. Goldfish and 3038hamsters and white mice and even the little seed in the plastic cup -- they all 3039die. So do we. 3040 And then remember the book about Dick and Jane and the first word you 3041learned, the biggest word of all: LOOK. Everything you need to know is in 3042there somewhere. The Golden Rule and love and basic sanitation. Ecology and 3043politics and sane living. 3044 Think of what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole world 3045-- had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay down with 3046our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy in our nation and other 3047nations to always put things back where we found them and cleaned up our own 3048messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when you go out into 3049the world it is best to hold hands and stick together. 3050 -- Robert Fulghum, "All I ever really needed to know I learned 3051 in kindergarten" 3052% 3053 Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to 3054do, and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top 3055of the graduate school mountain, but there in the sandbox at nursery school. 3056 These are the things I learned: Share everything. Play fair. 3057Don't hit people. Put things back where you found them. Clean up your 3058own mess. Don't take things that aren't yours. Say you're sorry when you 3059hurt someone. Wash your hands before you eat. Flush. Warm cookies and 3060cold milk are good for you. Live a balanced life. Learn some and think 3061some and draw and paint and sing and dance and play and work every day 3062some. 3063 Take a nap every afternoon. When you go out into the world, watch 3064for traffic, hold hands, and stick together. Be aware of wonder. Remember 3065the little seed in the plastic cup. The roots go down and the plant goes 3066up and nobody really knows why, but we are all like that. 3067[...] 3068 Think of what a better world it would be if we all -- the whole 3069world -- had cookies and milk about 3 o'clock every afternoon and then lay 3070down with our blankets for a nap. Or if we had a basic policy in our nation 3071and other nations to always put things back where we found them and cleaned 3072up our own messes. And it is still true, no matter how old you are, when 3073you go out into the world, it is best to hold hands and stick together. 3074 -- Robert Flughum 3075% 3076 Mother seemed pleased by my draft notice. "Just think of all the 3077people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son." 3078 Laughingly I felled her with a right cross. 3079 -- Spike Milligan 3080% 3081 Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly 3082approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby. 3083 "Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as 3084to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work? 3085All I have in the world is this gun." 3086% 3087 Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada 3088Ltd. of Markham, Ont., ordered some parts from a new supplier in Japan. The 3089company noted in its order that acceptable quality allowed for 1.5 per cent 3090defects (a fairly high standard in North America at the time). 3091 The Japanese sent the order, with a few parts packaged separately in 3092plastic. The accompanying letter said: "We don't know why you want 1.5 per 3093cent defective parts, but for your convenience, we've packed them separately." 3094 -- Excerpted from an article in The (Toronto) Globe and Mail 3095% 3096 Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring 3097Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping 3098pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret 3099military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and 3100Esther and hustle them off to prison. 3101 They can't prove who they are because they've left their 3102passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day 3103and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation 3104movement... Finally they're hauled in front of a military court, 3105charged with espionage, and sentenced to death. 3106 The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where 3107they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them 3108if they have any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call 3109her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not 3110possible, and turns to Murray. 3111 "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he 3112spits in the sergeants face. 3113 "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble." 3114 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 3115% 3116 My friends, I am here to tell you of the wondrous continent known as 3117Africa. Well we left New York drunk and early on the morning of February 31. 3118We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in 3119Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at 31206:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by 31216:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That 3122was the biggest game we had. Africa is primarily inhabited by Elks, Moose 3123and Knights of Pithiests. 3124 The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their 3125annual conventions. And you should see them gathered around the water hole, 3126which they leave immediately when they discover it's full of water. They 3127weren't looking for a water hole. They were looking for an alck hole. 3128 One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas, how he got in my 3129pajamas, I don't know. Then we tried to remove the tusks. That's a tough 3130word to say, tusks. As I said we tried to remove the tusks, but they were 3131embedded so firmly we couldn't get them out. But in Alabama the Tusks are 3132looser, but that is totally irrelephant to what I was saying. 3133 We took some pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. 3134So we're going back in a few years... 3135 -- Julius H. Marx 3136% 3137 My message is not that biological determinists were bad scientists or 3138even that they were always wrong. Rather, I believe that science must be 3139understood as a social phenomenon, a gutsy, human enterprise, not the work of 3140robots programmed to collect pure information. I also present this view as 3141an upbeat for science, not as a gloomy epitaph for a noble hope sacrificed on 3142the alter of human limitations. 3143 I believe that a factual reality exists and that science, though often 3144in an obtuse and erratic manner, can learn about it. Galileo was not shown 3145the instruments of torture in an abstract debate about lunar motion. He had 3146threatened the Church's conventional argument for social and doctrinal 3147stability: the static world order with planets circling about a central 3148earth, priests subordinate to the Pope and serfs to their lord. But the 3149Church soon made its peace with Galileo's cosmology. They had no choice; the 3150earth really does revolve about the sun. 3151 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" 3152% 3153 "My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things 3154a girl should not do before twenty." 3155 "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large 3156audience, either." 3157% 3158 n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa); 3159 n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc); 3160 n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0); 3161 n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00); 3162 n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000); 3163 3164-- Reverse the bits in a word. 3165% 3166 n = (n & 0x55555555) + ((n & 0xaaaaaaaa) >> 1); 3167 n = (n & 0x33333333) + ((n & 0xcccccccc) >> 2); 3168 n = (n & 0x0f0f0f0f) + ((n & 0xf0f0f0f0) >> 4); 3169 n = (n & 0x00ff00ff) + ((n & 0xff00ff00) >> 8); 3170 n = (n & 0x0000ffff) + ((n & 0xffff0000) >> 16); 3171 3172-- Count the bits in a word. 3173% 3174 Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for 3175you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an 3176oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many 3177cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal commitment. 3178 Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially 3179the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are 3180repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw 3181in the others. 3182 While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture 3183of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui. Don't ask who took 3184it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture. 3185 Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had 3186therapy ask if people have had therapy. 3187 Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc. 3188Assume that she bought them at a flea market. 3189 -- James Peterson and Kate Nolan 3190% 3191 NEW YORK-- Kraft Foods, Inc. announced today that its board of 3192directors unanimously rejected the $11 billion takeover bid by Philip 3193Morris and Co. A Kraft spokesman stated in a press conference that the 3194offer was rejected because the $90-per-share bid did not reflect the 3195true value of the company. 3196 Wall Street insiders, however, tell quite a different story. 3197Apparently, the Kraft board of directors had all but signed the takeover 3198agreement when they learned of Philip Morris' marketing plans for one of 3199their major Middle East subsidiaries. To a person, the board voted to 3200reject the bid when they discovered that the tobacco giant intended to 3201reorganize Israeli Cheddar, Ltd., and name the new company Cheeses of 3202Nazareth. 3203% 3204 "No, I understand now," Auberon said, calm in the woods -- it was so 3205simple, really. "I didn't, for a long time, but I do now. You just can't 3206hold people, you can't own them. I mean it's only natural, a natural process 3207really. Meet. Love. Part. Life goes on. There was never any reason to 3208expect her to stay always the same -- I mean `in love,' you know." There were 3209those doubt-quotes of Smoky's, heavily indicated. "I don't hold a grudge. I 3210can't." 3211 "You do," Grandfather Trout said. "And you don't understand." 3212 -- Little, Big, "John Crowley" 3213% 3214 No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider 3215the furniture! 3216 -- Sherlock Holmes 3217% 3218 Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?" 3219 He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest idea. 3220 "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly. 3221"The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program, 3222born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the 3223program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever 3224stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here, 3225a keystroke changed there." She sweeps her arm in a wide arc. "And other 3226times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very 3227*essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the 3228program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching 3229the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can 3230stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest 3231hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march. 3232"This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!" 3233% 3234 Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home 3235tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question. 3236 Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell 3237plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where 3238they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of 3239Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon 3240administration. In either the hardware or housewares department, 3241you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and 3242described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with 3243interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools 3244that Americans might use around the home. Buy it. 3245 This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it 3246inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the 3247so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off 3248if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to 3249direct sunlight. 3250 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 3251% 3252 Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something 3253to be avoided than harped upon. 3254 Possibly the horror that Zaphod experienced at the prospect of being 3255reunited with his deceased relatives led on to the thought that they might 3256just feel the same way about him and, what's more, be able to do something 3257about helping to postpone this reunion. 3258 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" 3259% 3260 "Oh sure, this costume may look silly, but it lets me get in and out 3261of dangerous situations -- I work for a federal task force doing a survey on 3262urban crime. Look, here's my ID, and here's a number you can call, that will 3263put you through to our central base in Atlanta. Go ahead, call -- they'll 3264confirm who I am. 3265 "Unless, of course, the Astro-Zombies have destroyed it." 3266 -- Captain Freedom 3267% 3268 Old Barlow was a crossing-tender at a junction where an express train 3269demolished an automobile and its occupants. Being the chief witness, his 3270testimony was vitally important. Barlow explained that the night was dark, 3271and he waved his lantern frantically, but the driver of the car paid 3272no attention to the signal. 3273 The railroad company won the case, and the president of the company 3274complimented the old-timer for his story. "You did wonderfully," he said, 3275"I was afraid you would waver under testimony." 3276 "No sir," exclaimed the senior, "but I sure was afraid that durned 3277lawyer was gonna ask me if my lantern was lit." 3278% 3279 On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in 3280receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's 3281income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than 3282$283 on the desk before the cashier. 3283 "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That 3284route never brought in money like this! What happened?" 3285 "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured 3286business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and 3287worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!" 3288% 3289 On the day of his anniversary, Joe was frantically shopping 3290around for a present for his wife. He knew what she wanted, a 3291grandfather clock for the living room, but he found the right one 3292almost impossible to find. Finally, after many hours of searching, Joe 3293found just the clock he wanted, but the store didn't deliver. Joe, 3294desperate, paid the shopkeeper, hoisted the clock onto his back, and 3295staggered out onto the sidewalk. On the way home, he passed a bar. 3296Just as he reached the door, a drunk stumbled out and crashed into Joe, 3297sending himself, Joe, and the clock into the gutter. Murphy's law 3298being in effect, the clock ended up in roughly a thousand pieces. 3299 "You stupid drunk!" screamed Joe, jumping up from the 3300wreckage. "Why don't you look where the hell you're going!" 3301 With quiet dignity the drunk stood up somewhat unsteadily and 3302dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a 3303normal person?" 3304% 3305 On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum 3306to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena. 3307There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning 3308alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't 3309dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is 3310saying." 3311 The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near 3312the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back 3313to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is 3314singing." 3315 "Singing?" said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?" 3316 "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..." 3317% 3318 On the other hand, the TCP camp also has a phrase for OSI people. 3319There are lots of phrases. My favorite is `nitwit' -- and the rationale 3320is the Internet philosophy has always been you have extremely bright, 3321non-partisan researchers look at a topic, do world-class research, do 3322several competing implementations, have a bake-off, determine what works 3323best, write it down and make that the standard. 3324 The OSI view is entirely opposite. You take written contributions 3325from a much larger community, you put the contributions in a room of 3326committee people with, quite honestly, vast political differences and all 3327with their own political axes to grind, and four years later you get 3328something out, usually without it ever having been implemented once. 3329 So the Internet perspective is implement it, make it work well, 3330then write it down, whereas the OSI perspective is to agree on it, write 3331it down, circulate it a lot and now we'll see if anyone can implement it 3332after it's an international standard and every vendor in the world is 3333committed to it. One of those processes is backwards, and I don't think 3334it takes a Lucasian professor of physics at Oxford to figure out which. 3335 -- Marshall Rose, "The Pied Piper of OSI" 3336% 3337 On this morning in August when I was 13, my mother sent us out pick 3338tomatoes. Back in April I'd have killed for a fresh tomato, but in August 3339they are no more rare or wonderful than rocks. So I picked up one and threw 3340it at a crab apple tree, where it made a good *splat*, and then threw a tomato 3341at my brother. He whipped one back at me. We ducked down by the vines, 3342heaving tomatoes at each other. My sister, who was a good person, said, 3343"You're going to get it." She bent over and kept on picking. 3344 What a target! She was 17, a girl with big hips, and bending over, 3345she looked like the side of a barn. 3346 I picked up a tomato so big it sat on the ground. It looked like it 3347had sat there a week. The underside was brown, small white worms lived in it, 3348and it was very juicy. I stood up and took aim, and went into the windup, 3349when my mother at the kitchen window called my name in a sharp voice. I had 3350to decide quickly. I decided. 3351 A rotten Big Boy hitting the target is a memorable sound, like a fat 3352man doing a belly-flop. With a whoop and a yell the tomatoee came after me 3353faster than I knew she could run, and grabbed my shirt and was about to brain 3354me when Mother called her name in a sharp voice. And my sister, who was a 3355good person, obeyed and let go -- and burst into tears. I guess she knew that 3356the pleasure of obedience is pretty thin compared with the pleasure of hearing 3357a rotten tomato hit someone in the rear end. 3358 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" 3359% 3360 Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in The Holiday Season, that very 3361special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old 3362traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We 3363traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we 3364see a shopper emerge from the mall. Then we follow her, in very much the same 3365spirit as the Three Wise Men, who, 2,000 years ago, followed a star, week after 3366week, until it led them to a parking space. 3367 We try to keep our bumper about 4 inches from the shopper's calves, to 3368let the other circling cars know that she belongs to us. Sometimes, two cars 3369will get into a fight over whom the shopper belongs to, similar to the way 3370great white sharks will fight over who gets to eat a snorkeler. So, we follow 3371our shopper closely, hunched over the steering wheel, whistling "It's Beginning 3372to Look a Lot Like Christmas" through our teeth, until we arrive at her car, 3373which is usually parked several time zones away from the mall. Sometimes our 3374shopper tries to indicate she was merely planning to drop off some packages and 3375go back to shopping. But, when she hears our engine rev in a festive fashion 3376and sees the holiday gleam in our eyes, she realizes she would never make it. 3377 -- Dave Barry, "Holiday Joy -- Or, the Great Parking Lot 3378 Skirmish" 3379% 3380 Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a great 3381crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to the twigs 3382and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of life, and 3383resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But one creature 3384said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is going. I shall 3385let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I shall die of boredom." 3386 The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that current 3387you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the rocks, and you will 3388die quicker than boredom!" 3389 But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, and at 3390once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. Yet, in time, 3391as the creature refused to cling again, the current lifted him free from the 3392bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. 3393 And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, "See 3394a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the Messiah, come 3395to save us all!" And the one carried in the current said, "I am no more 3396Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us free, if only we dare let go. 3397Our true work is this voyage, this adventure. 3398 But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to the 3399rocks, making legends of a Saviour. 3400 -- Richard Bach 3401% 3402 Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a 3403great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to 3404the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of 3405life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But 3406one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is 3407going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I 3408shall die of boredom." 3409 The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that 3410current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the 3411rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!" 3412 But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go, 3413and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks. 3414Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current 3415lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more. 3416 And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried, 3417"See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the 3418Messiah, come to save us all!" And the one carried in the current 3419said, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us 3420free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this 3421adventure. 3422 But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to 3423the rocks, making legends of a Saviour. 3424% 3425 Once there was a marine biologist who loved dolphins. He spent his 3426time trying to feed and protect his beloved creatures of the sea. One day, 3427in a fit of inventive genius, he came up with a serum that would make 3428dolphins live forever! 3429 Of course he was ecstatic. But he soon realized that in order to mass 3430produce this serum he would need large amounts of a certain compound that was 3431only found in nature in the metabolism of a rare South American bird. Carried 3432away by his love for dolphins, he resolved that he would go to the zoo and 3433steal one of these birds. 3434 Unbeknownst to him, as he was arriving at the zoo an elderly lion was 3435escaping from its cage. The zookeepers were alarmed and immediately began 3436combing the zoo for the escaped animal, unaware that it had simply lain down 3437on the sidewalk and had gone to sleep. 3438 Meanwhile, the marine biologist arrived at the zoo and procured his 3439bird. He was so excited by the prospect of helping his dolphins that he 3440stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his 3441car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for 3442transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises. 3443% 3444 Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll 3445through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated 3446on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her. "Maiden," croaked the 3447frog, "would you do me a favor? This will be hard for you to believe, but 3448I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast 3449a spell over me and turned me into a frog." 3450 "Oh, what a pity!", exclaimed the girl. "I'll do anything I can to 3451help you break such a spell." 3452 "Well," replied the frog, "the only way that this spell can be 3453taken away is for some lovely young woman to take me home and let me spend 3454the night under her pillow." 3455 The young girl took the ugly frog home and placed him beneath her 3456pillow that night when she retired. When she awoke the next morning, sure 3457enough, there beside her in bed was a very young, handsome man, clearly of 3458royal blood. And so they lived happily ever after, except that to this day 3459her father and mother still don't believe her story. 3460% 3461 Once upon a time, there was a fisherman who lived by a great river. 3462One day, after a hard day's fishing, he hooked what seemed to him to be the 3463biggest, strongest fish he had ever caught. He fought with it for hours, 3464until, finally, he managed to bring it to the surface. Looking of the edge 3465of the boat, he saw the head of this huge fish breaking the surface. Smiling 3466with pride, he reached over the edge to pull the fish up. Unfortunately, he 3467accidentally caught his watch on the edge, and, before he knew it, there was a 3468snap, and his watch tumbled into the water next to the fish with a loud 3469"sploosh!" Distracted by this shiny object, the fish made a sudden lunge, 3470simultaneously snapping the line, and swallowing the watch. Sadly, the 3471fisherman stared into the water, and then began the slow trip back home. 3472 Many years later, the fisherman, now an old man, was working in a 3473boring assembly-line job in a large city. He worked in a fish-processing 3474plant. It was his job, as each fish passed under his hands, to chop off their 3475heads, readying them for the next phase in processing. This monotonous task 3476went on for years, the dull *thud* of the cleaver chopping of each head being 3477his entire world, day after day, week after weary week. Well, one day, as he 3478was chopping fish, he happened to notice that the fish coming towards him on 3479the line looked very familiar. Yes, yes, it looked... could it be the fish 3480he had lost on that day so many years ago? He trembled with anticipation as 3481his cleaver came down. IT STRUCK SOMETHING HARD! IT WAS HIS THUMB! 3482% 3483 Once upon a time, there were five blind men who had the opportunity 3484to experience an elephant for the first time. One approached the elephant, 3485and, upon encountering one of its sturdy legs, stated, "Ah, an elephant is 3486like a tree." The second, after exploring the trunk, said, "No, an elephant 3487is like a strong hose." The third, grasping the tail, said "Fool! An elephant 3488is like a rope!" The fourth, holding an ear, stated, "No, more like a fan." 3489And the fifth, leaning against the animal's side, said, "An elephant is like 3490a wall." The five then began to argue loudly about who had the more accurate 3491perception of the elephant. 3492 The elephant, tiring of all this abuse, suddenly reared up and 3493attacked the men. He continued to trample them until they were nothing but 3494bloody lumps of flesh. Then, strolling away, the elephant remarked, "It just 3495goes to show that you can't depend on first impressions. When I first saw 3496them I didn't think they'd be any fun at all." 3497% 3498 Once upon a time there were three brothers who were knights 3499in a certain kingdom. And, there was a Princess in a neighboring kingdom 3500who was of marriageable age. Well, one day, in full armour, their horses, 3501and their page, the three brothers set off to see if one of them could 3502win her hand. The road was long and there were many obstacles along the 3503way, robbers to be overcome, hard terrain to cross. As they coped with 3504each obstacle they became more and more disgusted with their page. He was 3505not only inept, he was a coward, he could not handle the horses, he was, 3506in short, a complete flop. When they arrived at the court of the kingdom, 3507they found that they were expected to present the Princess with some 3508treasure. The two older brothers were discouraged, since they had not 3509thought of this and were unprepared. The youngest, however, had the 3510answer: Promise her anything, but give her our page. 3511% 3512 Once, when the secrets of science were the jealously guarded property 3513of a small priesthood, the common man had no hope of mastering their arcane 3514complexities. Years of study in musty classrooms were prerequisite to 3515obtaining even a dim, incoherent knowledge of science. 3516 Today all that has changed: a dim, incoherent knowledge of science is 3517available to anyone. 3518 -- Tom Weller, "Science Made Stupid" 3519% 3520 Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you 3521with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday shoppers 3522have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday advertisements, and 3523they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a shopping bag. If your 3524children object to being tied, threaten to take them to see Santa Claus; 3525that ought to shut them up. 3526 -- Dave Barry 3527% 3528 One day a student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make 3529a better garbage collector. We must keep a reference count of the pointers 3530to each cons." 3531 Moon patiently told the student the following story -- "One day a 3532student came to Moon and said, "I understand how to make a better garbage 3533collector..." 3534% 3535 One day it was announced that the young monk Kyogen had reached 3536an enlightened state. Much impressed by this news, several of his peers 3537went to speak with him. 3538 "We have heard that you are enlightened. Is this true?" his fellow 3539students inquired. 3540 "It is", Kyogen answered. 3541 "Tell us", said a friend, "how do you feel?" 3542 "As miserable as ever", replied the enlightened Kyogen. 3543% 3544 One evening he spoke. Sitting at her feet, his face raised to her, 3545he allowed his soul to be heard. "My darling, anything you wish, anything 3546I am, anything I can ever be... That's what I want to offer you -- not the 3547things I'll get for you, but the thing in me that will make me able to get 3548them. That thing -- a man can't renounce it -- but I want to renounce it -- 3549so that it will be yours -- so that it will be in your service -- only for 3550you." 3551 The girl smiled and asked: "Do you think I'm prettier than Maggie 3552Kelly?" 3553 He got up. He said nothing and walked out of the house. He never 3554saw that girl again. Gail Wynand, who prided himself on never needing a 3555lesson twice, did not fall in love again in the years that followed. 3556 -- Ayn Rand, "The Fountainhead" 3557% 3558 One fine day, the bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, 3559and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops -- a few 3560people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well. At the next 3561stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a 3562wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, 3563"Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back. 3564 Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically 3565meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't 3566happy about it. Well, the next day the same thing happened -- Big John got on 3567again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the 3568one after that, and so forth. This grated on the bus driver, who started 3569losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he 3570could stand it no longer. He signed up for bodybuilding courses, karate, judo, 3571and all that good stuff. By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; 3572what's more, he felt really good about himself. 3573 So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus 3574and said "Big John doesn't pay!," the driver stood up, glared back at the 3575passenger, and screamed, "And why not?" 3576 With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a 3577bus pass." 3578% 3579 One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He 3580directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which went... 3581 "Change course 10 degrees South." 3582 The reply was quickly flashed back... 3583 "You change course 10 degrees North." 3584 The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further 3585message..... 3586 "I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South." 3587 Back came the reply... 3588 "I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North." 3589 The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message.... 3590"I am a 240,000 tonne tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!" 3591 Back came the reply... 3592 "I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!" 3593 -- Cruising Helmsman, "On The Right Course" 3594% 3595 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How enthusiastic 3596is our support for UNIX? 3597 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many years ago. 3598Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. Ten percent of our 3599VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple language, easy to understand, 3600easy to get started with. It's great for students, great for somewhat casual 3601users, and it's great for interchanging programs between different machines. 3602And so, because of its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have 3603good UNIX on VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. 3604 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will run 3605out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and will end 3606up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. 3607 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and quickly 3608check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With VMS, no matter 3609what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of documentation -- if 3610you look long enough it's there. That's the difference -- the beauty of UNIX 3611is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS is that it's all there. 3612 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, DECWORLD Vol. 8 No. 5, 1984 3613[It's been argued that the beauty of UNIX is the same as the beauty of Ken 3614Olsen's brain. Ed.] 3615% 3616 One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How 3617enthusiastic is our support for UNIX? 3618 Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many 3619years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines. 3620Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple 3621language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for 3622students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for 3623interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of 3624its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on 3625VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s. 3626 It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will 3627run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and 3628will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming. 3629 With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and 3630quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With 3631VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of 3632documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the 3633difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS 3634is that it's all there. 3635 -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984 3636% 3637 page 46 3638...a report citing a study by Dr. Thomas C. Chalmers, of the Mount Sinai 3639Medical Center in New York, which compared two groups that were being used 3640to test the theory that ascorbic acid is a cold preventative. "The group 3641on placebo who thought they were on ascorbic acid," says Dr. Chalmers, 3642"had fewer colds than the group on ascorbic acid who thought they were 3643on placebo." 3644 page 56 3645The placebo is proof that there is no real separation between mind and body. 3646Illness is always an interaction between both. It can begin in the mind and 3647affect the body, or it can begin in the body and affect the mind, both of 3648which are served by the same bloodstream. Attempts to treat most mental 3649diseases as though they were completely free of physical causes and attempts 3650to treat most bodily diseases as though the mind were in no way involved must 3651be considered archaic in the light of new evidence about the way the human 3652body functions. 3653 -- Norman Cousins, 3654 "Anatomy of an Illness as Perceived by the Patient" 3655% 3656 Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices. No one else in 3657town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts. 3658 During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm. He 3659stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an aggressive Rhode 3660Island Red hopped on top. Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch 3661a Tory!" 3662 A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat 3663loaf, Wednesday tartar steak, and Thursday meatballs. On Friday morning her 3664husband snarled, "How now, ground cow?" 3665 A journalist, thrilled over his dinner, asked the chef for the recipe. 3666Retorted the chef, "Sorry, we have the same policy as you journalists, we 3667never reveal our sauce." 3668 A new chef from India was fired a week after starting the job. He 3669kept favoring curry. 3670 A couple of kids tried using pickles instead of paddles for a Ping-Pong 3671game. They had the volley of the Dills. 3672% 3673 People of all sorts of genders are reporting great difficulty, 3674these days, in selecting the proper words to refer to those of the female 3675persuasion. 3676 "Lady," "woman," and "girl" are all perfectly good words, but 3677misapplying them can earn one anything from the charge of vulgarity to a good 3678swift smack. We are messing here with matters of deference, condescension, 3679respect, bigotry, and two vague concepts, age and rank. It is troubling 3680enough to get straight who is really what. Those who deliberately misuse 3681the terms in a misbegotten attempt at flattery are asking for it. 3682 A woman is any grown-up female person. A girl is the un-grown-up 3683version. If you call a wee thing with chubby cheeks and pink hair ribbons a 3684"woman," you will probably not get into trouble, and if you do, you will be 3685able to handle it because she will be under three feet tall. However, if you 3686call a grown-up by a child's name for the sake of implying that she has a 3687youthful body, you are also implying that she has a brain to match. 3688% 3689 "Perhaps he is not honest," Mr. Frostee said inside Cobb's head, 3690sounding a bit worried. 3691 "Of course he isn't," Cobb answered. "What we have to look out for 3692is him calling the cops anyway, or trying to blackmail us for more money." 3693 "I think you should kill him and eat his brain," Mr. Frostee 3694said quickly. 3695 "That's not the answer to *every* problem in interpersonal relations," 3696Cobb said, hopping out. 3697 -- Rudy Rucker, "Software" 3698% 3699 Phases of a Project: 3700(1) Exultation. 3701(2) Disenchantment. 3702(3) Confusion. 3703(4) Search for the Guilty. 3704(5) Punishment for the Innocent. 3705(6) Distinction for the Uninvolved. 3706% 3707 Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities, 3708requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm 3709into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing 3710problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the 3711radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how 3712plumbing works. 3713 A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system, 3714except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires, 3715it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets 3716and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at 3717all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can 3718kill you. 3719 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 3720% 3721 Price Wang's programmer was coding software. His fingers danced upon 3722the keyboard. The program compiled without an error message, and the program 3723ran like a gentle wind. 3724 Excellent!" the Price exclaimed, "Your technique is faultless!" 3725 "Technique?" said the programmer, turning from his terminal, "What I 3726follow is the Tao -- beyond all technique. When I first began to program I 3727would see before me the whole program in one mass. After three years I no 3728longer saw this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. 3729My whole being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, 3730free to work without a plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program 3731writes itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them 3732coming, I slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code 3733and the difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the 3734program. I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my 3735eyes for a moment and then log off." 3736 Price Wang said, "Would that all of my programmers were as wise!" 3737 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3738% 3739 "Reflections on Ice-Breaking" 3740Candy 3741Is dandy 3742But liquor 3743Is quicker. 3744 -- Ogden Nash 3745% 3746 Reporters like Bill Greider from the Washington Post and Him 3747Naughton of the New York Times, for instance, had to file long, detailed, 3748and relatively complex stories every day -- while my own deadline fell 3749every two weeks -- but neither of them ever seemed in a hurry about 3750getting their work done, and from time to time they would try to console 3751me about the terrible pressure I always seemed to be laboring under. 3752 Any $100-an-hour psychiatrist could probably explain this problem 3753to me, in thirteen or fourteen sessions, but I don't have time for that. 3754No doubt it has something to do with a deep-seated personality defect, or 3755maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland... On 3756the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as 3757whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last 3758possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car. 3759 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail" 3760% 3761 "Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing 3762what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt 3763somebody else. He even told you he'd be hurt if..." 3764 "He was going to suck my blood!" 3765 "Which is what we do to anyone when we tell them we'll be hurt 3766if they don't live our way." 3767... 3768 "The thing that puzzles you," he said, "is an accepted saying that 3769happens to be impossible. The phrase is hurt somebody else. We choose, 3770ourselves, to be hurt or not to be hurt, no matter what. Us who decides. 3771Nobody else. My vampire told you he'd be hurt if you didn't let him? That's 3772his decision to be hurt, that's his choice. What you do about it is your 3773decision, your choice: give him blood; ignore him; tie him up; drive a stake 3774through his heart. If he doesn't want the holly stake, he's free to resist, 3775in whatever way he wants. It goes on and on, choices, choices." 3776 "When you look at it that way..." 3777 "Listen," he said, "it's important. We are all. Free. To do. 3778Whatever. We want. To do." 3779 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" 3780% 3781 Risch's decision procedure for integration, not surprisingly, 3782uses a recursion on the number and type of the extensions from the 3783rational functions needed to represent the integrand. Although the 3784algorithm follows and critically depends upon the appropriate structure 3785of the input, as in the case of multivariate factorization, we cannot 3786claim that the algorithm is a natural one. In fact, the creator of 3787differential algebra, Ritt, committed suicide in the early 1950's, 3788largely, it is claimed, because few paid attention to his work. Probably 3789he would have received more attention had he obtained the algorithm as 3790well. 3791 -- Joel Moses, "Algorithms and Complexity", ed. J. F. Traub 3792% 3793 Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that 3794their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere, 3795generous person. "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy. 3796 3797 Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964 3798Senatorial campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself 3799shaking hands with a well-known labor leader. 3800 "There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the 3801advertising men in charge of his campaign. 3802 "What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman. 3803 "That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy. 3804 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 3805% 3806 SAFETY 3807I can live without 3808Someone I love 3809But not without 3810Someone I need. 3811% 3812 Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants. 3813"I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising 3814them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing." 3815 "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do. 3816Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it. 3817That way you'll get it out of your system." 3818 Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa, 3819inviting his best friend to join him. They arrived in Nairobi and lost no 3820time getting out on the jungle trails. After they had been hunting for 3821several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and 3822yelled at him: 3823 "Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant! 3824Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer 3825barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way! 3826Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim 3827at his head!" 3828 Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in 3829prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over 3830here to kill an elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the 3831psychiatrist said. "Why?" 3832 "Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I 3833hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!" 3834% 3835 Seems George was playing his usual eighteen holes on Saturday 3836afternoon. Teeing off from the 17th, he sliced into the rough over near 3837the edge of the fairway. Just as he was about to chip out, he noticed a 3838long funeral procession going past on a nearby street. Reverently, George 3839removed his hat and stood at attention until the procession had passed. 3840Then he continued his game, finishing with a birdie on the eighteenth. 3841Later, at the clubhouse, a fellow golfer greet George. "Say, that was a 3842nice gesture you made today, George. 3843 "What do you mean?" asked George. 3844 "Well, it was nice of you to take off your cap and stand 3845respectfully when that funeral went by," the friend replied. 3846 "Oh, yes," said George. "Well, we were married 17 years, you 3847know." 3848% 3849 "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated 3850thoughtfully. "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY 3851advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now." 3852 "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly. 3853 "Too proud?" the other enquired. 3854 Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean," 3855she said, "that one can't help growing older." 3856 "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With 3857proper assistance, you might have left off at seven." 3858 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking-Glass" 3859% 3860 Several students were asked to prove that all odd integers are prime. 3861 The first student to try to do this was a math student. "Hmmm... 3862Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, and by induction, we have that all 3863the odd integers are prime." 3864 The second student to try was a man of physics who commented, "I'm not 3865sure of the validity of your proof, but I think I'll try to prove it by 3866experiment." He continues, "Well, 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is 3867prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... uh, 9 is an experimental error, 11 is prime, 13 3868is prime... Well, it seems that you're right." 3869 The third student to try it was the engineering student, who responded, 3870"Well, to be honest, actually, I'm not sure of your answer either. Let's 3871see... 1 is prime, 3 is prime, 5 is prime, 7 is prime, 9 is... uh, 9 is... 3872well, if you approximate, 9 is prime, 11 is prime, 13 is prime... Well, it 3873does seem right." 3874 Not to be outdone, the computer science student comes along and says 3875"Well, you two sort've got the right idea, but you'll end up taking too long! 3876I've just whipped up a program to REALLY go and prove it." He goes over to 3877his terminal and runs his program. Reading the output on the screen he says, 3878"1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime, 1 is prime..." 3879% 3880 "Sheriff, we gotta catch Black Bart." 3881 "Oh, yeah? What's he look like?" 3882 "Well, he's wearin' a paper hat, a paper shirt, paper pants and 3883paper boots." 3884 "What's he wanted for?" 3885 "Rustling." 3886% 3887 So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark]. 3888With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to 3889maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of 3890corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to 3891flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward 3892it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and -- 3893I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in 3894the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us. 3895 Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and 3896I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our 3897heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're 3898unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water 3899up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the 3900opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of 3901our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all 3902the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers 3903cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen 3904these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked 3905into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads. 3906 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 3907% 3908 Some 1500 miles west of the Big Apple we find the Minneapple, a 3909haven of tranquility in troubled times. It's a good town, a civilized town. 3910A town where they still know how to get your shirts back by Thursday. Let 3911the Big Apple have the feats of "Broadway Joe" Namath. We have known the 3912stolid but steady Killebrew. Listening to Cole Porter over a dry martini 3913may well suit those unlucky enough never to have heard the Whoopee John Polka 3914Band and never to have shared a pitcher of 3.2 Grain Belt Beer. The loss is 3915theirs. And the Big Apple has yet to bake the bagel that can match peanut 3916butter on lefse. Here is a town where the major urban problem is dutch elm 3917disease and the number one crime is overtime parking. We boast more theater 3918per capita than the Big Apple. We go to see, not to be seen. We go even 3919when we must shovel ten inches of snow from the driveway to get there. Indeed 3920the winters are fierce. But then comes the marvel of the Minneapple summer. 3921People flock to the city's lakes to frolic and rejoice at the sight of so 3922much happy humanity free from the bonds of the traditional down-filled parka. 3923Here's to the Minneapple. And to its people. Our flair for style is balanced 3924by a healthy respect for wind chill factors. 3925 And we always, always eat our vegetables. 3926 This is the Minneapple. 3927% 3928 Something mysterious is formed, born in the silent void. Waiting 3929alone and unmoving, it is at once still and yet in constant motion. It is 3930the source of all programs. I do not know its name, so I will call it the 3931Tao of Programming. 3932 If the Tao is great, then the operating system is great. If the 3933operating system is great, then the compiler is great. If the compiler is 3934greater, then the applications is great. The user is pleased and there is 3935harmony in the world. 3936 The Tao of Programming flows far away and returns on the wind of 3937morning. 3938 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 3939% 3940 Somewhat alarmed at the continued growth of the number of employees 3941on the Department of Agriculture payroll in 1962, Michigan Republican Robert 3942Griffin proposed an amendment to the farm bill so that "the total number of 3943employees in the Department of Agriculture at no time exceeds the number of 3944farmers in America." 3945 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 3946% 3947 Split 1/4 bottle .187 liters 3948 Half 1/2 bottle 3949 Bottle 750 milliliters 3950 Magnum 2 bottles 1.5 liters 3951 Jeroboam 4 bottles 3952 Rehoboam 6 bottles Not available in the US 3953 Methuselah 8 bottles 3954 Salmanazar 12 bottles 3955 Balthazar 16 bottles 3956 Nebuchadnezzar 20 bottles 15 liters 3957 Sovereign 34 bottles 26 liters 3958 3959 The Sovereign is a new bottle, made for the launching of the 3960largest cruise ship in the world. The bottle alone cost 8,000 dollars 3961to produce and they only made 8 of them. 3962 Most of the funny names come from Biblical people. 3963% 3964 Stop! Whoever crosseth the bridge of Death, must answer first 3965these questions three, ere the other side he see! 3966 3967 "What is your name?" 3968 "Sir Brian of Bell." 3969 "What is your quest?" 3970 "I seek the Holy Grail." 3971 "What are four lowercase letters that are not legal flag arguments 3972to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?" 3973 "I, er.... AIIIEEEEEE!" 3974% 3975 Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later? 3976Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that 3977never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time 3978and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long 3979run... There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the 3980Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda... You could 3981strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense that whatever we 3982were doing was right, that we were winning... 3983 And that, I think, was the handle -- that sense of inevitable victory 3984over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we didn't 3985need that. Our energy would simply prevail. There was no point in fighting 3986-- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; we were riding the crest 3987of a high and beautiful wave. So now, less than five years later, you can go 3988up on a steep hill in Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes 3989you can almost see the high-water mark -- that place where the wave finally 3990broke and rolled back. 3991 -- Hunter S. Thompson 3992% 3993 "That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a 3994sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar. 3995 "How do you know?" the friend asked. 3996 "She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where 3997she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley." 3998 "So?" 3999 "So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley." 4000% 4001 "That's right; the upper-case shift works fine on the screen, but 4002they're not coming out on the damn printer... Hold? Sure, I'll hold." 4003 -- e. e. cummings last service call 4004% 4005 The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff 4006in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up. Everybody but one girl 4007laughed uproariously. "What's the matter?" grumbled the boss. "Haven't you 4008got a sense of humor?" 4009 "I don't have to laugh," she said. "I'm leaving Friday anyway. 4010% 4011 The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: 4012"You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle 4013in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?" 4014 "Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, 4015but not much good in a fight." 4016% 4017 The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating 4018a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to 4019his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God." 4020 So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God, 4021please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he 4022sees nothing but goyim..." 4023 "Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think 4024you got problems. What about my son?" 4025% 4026 The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough 4027physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said, 4028"is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away 4029from women." 4030 "Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's 4031second best?" 4032% 4033 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES 4034 4035SPECIES: Cranial Males 4036SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) 4037Courtship & Mating: 4038 Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near perpetual 4039 state of sexual readiness. Courtship behavior alternates between 4040 awkward shyness and abrupt advances. When he finally mates, he 4041 chooses a female engineer with an unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and 4042 a complete collection of Campbell's soup-can recipes. 4043Track: 4044 Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and old 4045 copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog. 4046Comments: 4047 Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long explanations. 4048% 4049 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES 4050 4051SPECIES: Cranial Males 4052SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) 4053Description: 4054 Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning hair. 4055 Head disproportionately large and crooked forward, complexion wan and 4056 sightly gray from CRT illumination. He has heavy black-rimmed glasses 4057 and a look of intense concentration, which may be due to a software 4058 problem or to a pork-and-bean breakfast. 4059Feathering: 4060 HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and believed it. 4061 Consequently, crest is greased down, except for the cowlick. 4062Song: 4063 A rather plaintive "Is it up?" 4064% 4065 The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES 4066 4067SPECIES: Cranial Males 4068SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis) 4069Plumage: 4070 All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came off the 4071 top of the laundry basket. Style varies with status. Hacker managers 4072 wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel shirts with wide collars, 4073 and paisley ties; staff wears cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white 4074 or blue shirts with button-down collars, and penholder in pocket. 4075 Both managers and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black 4076 plastic digital watch with calculator. 4077% 4078 The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw. 4079As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!". 4080 "What happened?" 4081 "Dunno," replied the man. "I just stuck out my hand like this, and 4082-- well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!" 4083% 4084 The General disliked trying to explain the highly technical 4085inner workings of the U.S. Air Force. 4086 "$7,662 for a ten cup coffee maker, General?" the Senator asked. 4087 In his head he ran through his standard explanations. "It's not so," 4088he thought. "It's a deterrent." Soon he came up with, "It's computerized, 4089Senator. Tiny computer chips make coffee that's smooth and full-bodied. Try 4090a cup." 4091 The Senator did. "Pfffttt! Tastes like jet fuel!" 4092 "It's not so," the General thought. "It's a deterrent." 4093 Then he remembered something. "We bought a lot of untested computer 4094chips," the General answered. "They got into everything. Just a little 4095mix-up. Nothing serious." 4096 Then he remembered something else. It was at the site of the 4097mysterious B-1 crash. A strange smell in the fuel lines. It smelled like 4098coffee. Smooth and full bodied... 4099 -- Another Episode of General's Hospital 4100% 4101 "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop") 4102 4103On the good ship Enterprise 4104Every week there's a new surprise 4105Where the Romulans lurk 4106And the Klingons often go berserk. 4107 4108Yes, the good ship Enterprise 4109There's excitement anywhere it flies 4110Where Tribbles play 4111And Nurse Chapel never gets her way. 4112 4113 See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge, 4114 Mr. Spock is at his side. 4115 The weekly menace, ooh-ooh 4116 It gets fried, scattered far and wide. 4117 4118It's the good ship Enterprise 4119Heading out where danger lies 4120And you live in dread 4121If you're wearing a shirt that's red. 4122 -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics 4123% 4124 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on 4125the subject of towels. 4126 A towel, it says, is about the most massively useful thing an 4127interstellar hitchhiker can have. Partly it has great practical value. 4128You can wrap it around you for warmth as you bound across the cold moons 4129of Jaglan Beta; you can lie on it on the brilliant marble-sanded beaches 4130of Santraginus V ... use it to sail a miniraft down the slow heavy River 4131Moth; wave your towel in emergencies, and, of course, dry yourself off 4132with it if it still seems to be clean enough. 4133 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 4134% 4135 The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy has a few things to say on 4136the subject of towels. 4137 Most importantly, a towel has immense psychological value. For 4138some reason, if a non-hitchhiker discovers that a hitchhiker has his towel 4139with him, he will automatically assume that he is also in possession of a 4140toothbrush, washcloth, flask, gnat spray, space suit, etc., etc. Furthermore, 4141the non-hitchhiker will then happily lend the hitchhiker any of these or 4142a dozen other items that he may have "lost". After all, any man who can 4143hitch the length and breadth of the Galaxy, struggle against terrible odds, 4144win through and still know where his towel is, is clearly a man to be 4145reckoned with. 4146 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 4147% 4148 The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding. 4149After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a 4150branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his 4151wife's horse, and said, "That's number one." 4152 The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's 4153horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling. 4154Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal. 4155"That's two," he said. 4156 Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit 4157crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was 4158off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he 4159shot the horse between the eyes. 4160 "You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I 4161married! You're a sadist, that's what!" 4162 The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said. 4163% 4164 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE 4165 4166SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language 4167Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for 4168Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code 4169with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN, 4170END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make 4171a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus 4172they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without 4173the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging. 4174% 4175 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP 4176 4177This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of 4178an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said 4179to be useful in protheththing lithtth. 4180% 4181 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL 4182 4183SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler. 4184Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they 4185compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the 4186coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom 4187sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to 4188compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but 4189infinitely faster) language, COCAINE. 4190% 4191 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE 4192 4193Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely 4194unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just 4195are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions. 4196SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at 4197parties. 4198% 4199 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C- 4200 4201This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he 4202submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is 4203best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the 4204language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code 4205statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very 4206similar to COBOL. 4207% 4208 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18a: FIFTH 4209 4210FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types 4211refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and 4212JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and 4213BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY, 4214CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND. 4215 4216The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and 4217financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include 4218VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH, 4219THUNDERBIRD, RIPPLE and HOUSERED. The latter is a favorite of frustrated 4220FORTH programmers who end up using this language. 4221% 4222 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE 4223 4224Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene 4225Descartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The 4226language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics 4227and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A 4228spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of 4229ours." 4230 4231The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have 4232almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the 4233organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to 4234exist. 4235% 4236 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL 4237From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley, 4238VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry. 4239 4240Here is a sample program: 4241 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START 4242 IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND 4243 VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN 4244 FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100 4245 DO*WAH - (DITTY**2) 4246 BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT) 4247 SURE 4248 LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM 4249 REALLY 4250 LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW) 4251 IM*SURE 4252 GOTO THE MALL 4253 4254When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message: 4255 4256 GAG ME WITH A SPOON!! 4257% 4258 THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK 4259 4260This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi, 4261Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to 4262the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley. 4263 4264The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs 4265while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there 4266because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and 4267Perrier. 4268 4269Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle 4270and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower 4271case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the 4272message: 4273 "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can 4274 you find the time to try it again?" 4275% 4276 The Lord and I are in a sheep-shepherd relationship, and I am in 4277a position of negative need. 4278 He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area. 4279 He conducts me directionally parallel to non-torrential aqueous 4280liquid. 4281 He returns to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup. 4282 He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal 4283prestige of His identity. 4284 It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make 4285ambulatory progress through the umbrageous inter-hill mortality slot, terror 4286sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena. 4287 Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me 4288into a pleasurific mood state. 4289 You design and produce a nutriment-bearing furniture-type structure 4290in the context of non-cooperative elements. 4291 You act out a head-related folk ritual employing vegetable extract. 4292 My beverage utensil experiences a volume crisis. 4293 It is an ongoing deductible fact that your inter-relational 4294empathetical and non-ventious capabilities will retain me as their 4295target-focus for the duration of my non-death period, and I will possess 4296tenant rights in the housing unit of the Lord on a permanent, open-ended 4297time basis. 4298% 4299 The Magician of the Ivory Tower brought his latest invention for the 4300master programmer to examine. The magician wheeled a large black box into the 4301master's office while the master waited in silence. 4302 "This is an integrated, distributed, general-purpose workstation," 4303began the magician, "ergonomically designed with a proprietary operating 4304system, sixth generation languages, and multiple state of the art user 4305interfaces. It took my assistants several hundred man years to construct. 4306Is it not amazing?" 4307 The master raised his eyebrows slightly. "It is indeed amazing," he 4308said. 4309 "Corporate Headquarters has commanded," continued the magician, "that 4310everyone use this workstation as a platform for new programs. Do you agree 4311to this?" 4312 "Certainly," replied the master, "I will have it transported to the 4313data center immediately!" And the magician returned to his tower, well 4314pleased. 4315 Several days later, a novice wandered into the office of the master 4316programmer and said, "I cannot find the listing for my new program. Do 4317you know where it might be?" 4318 "Yes," replied the master, "the listings are stacked on the platform 4319in the data center." 4320 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4321% 4322 The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon 4323emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I 4324have a quarter?" 4325 The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?" 4326 The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're 4327right! Can I have a dollar?" 4328% 4329 The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No 4330change in management can harm him. He will not be fired, even if the project 4331is canceled. Why is this? He is filled with the Tao. 4332 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4333% 4334 The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the 4335klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream." 4336 4337 "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?" 4338 4339 "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?" 4340% 4341 The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all 4342students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school gradu- 4343ation. 4344 Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's 4345recognition of the sanctity of human life." 4346 4347 According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22, 43481987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm." Their 4349"farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a "family 4350farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year. 4351 4352 Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of 4353Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You 4354probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency. 4355 4356 It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chrono- 4357logically experienced citizens." 4358 4359 According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was 4360just a case of "uncontained blade liberation." 4361 -- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE) 4362% 4363 The only real game in the world, I think, is baseball... 4364You've got to start way down, at the bottom, when you're six or seven years 4365old. You can't wait until you're fifteen or sixteen. You've got to let it 4366grow up with you, and if you're successful and you try hard enough, you're 4367bound to come out on top, just like these boys have come to the top now. 4368 -- Babe Ruth, in his 1948 farewell speech at Yankee Stadium 4369% 4370 The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the 4371Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a 4372large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' 4373it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the 4374apparatus for a spectator sport. 4375 4376 The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for 4377castrating pigs during Sunday service. 4378 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 4379% 4380 The Priest's grey nimbus in a niche where he dressed discreetly. 4381I will not sleep here tonight. Home also I cannot go. 4382 A voice, sweetened and sustained, called to him from the sea. 4383Turning the curve he waved his hand. A sleek brown head, a seal's, far 4384out on the water, round. Usurper. 4385 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses" 4386% 4387 The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom 4388their thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance. 4389 Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the 4390battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved 4391blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves. 4392 Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds? 4393 The answer exists only in the Tao. 4394 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4395% 4396 The salesman and the system analyst took off to spend a weekend in the 4397forest, hunting bear. They'd rented a cabin, and, when they got there, took 4398their backpacks off and put them inside. At which point the salesman turned 4399to his friend, and said, "You unpack while I go and find us a bear." 4400 Puzzled, the analyst finished unpacking and then went and sat down 4401on the porch. Soon he could hear rustling noises in the forest. The noises 4402got nearer -- and louder -- and suddenly there was the salesman, running like 4403hell across the clearing toward the cabin, pursued by one of the largest and 4404most ferocious grizzly bears the analyst had ever seen. 4405 "Open the door!", screamed the salesman. 4406 The analyst whipped open the door, and the salesman ran to the door, 4407suddenly stopped, and stepped aside. The bear, unable to stop, continued 4408through the door and into the cabin. The salesman slammed the door closed 4409and grinned at his friend. "Got him!", he exclaimed, "now, you skin this 4410one and I'll go rustle us up another!" 4411% 4412 The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood 4413as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. 4414The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in 4415the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in 4416twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive. 4417 4418 "Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached 4419everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a 4420fierce host which out-numbers Lankhmar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- 4421and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city." 4422 4423 "How?" demanded Fafhrd. 4424 4425 Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know." 4426 -- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar" 4427% 4428 The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average 4429Russian's readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement 4430of some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet 4431reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led the 4432field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well known that as 4433early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at Reykjavik would do to 4434national prestige, implemented a vigorous program of preparation and 4435incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of psychologists, chess 4436analysts and coaches met with the top three Russian grand masters and 4437threatened them with a pointy stick. That these tactics proved fruitless 4438is now a part of chess history and a further testament to the American way, 4439which provides that if you want something badly enough, you can always go to 4440Iceland and get it from the Russians. 4441 -- Marshall Brickman, "Playboy" 4442% 4443 The Tao gave birth to machine language. Machine language gave birth 4444to the assembler. 4445 The assembler gave birth to the compiler. Now there are ten thousand 4446languages. 4447 Each language has its purpose, however humble. Each language 4448expresses the Yin and Yang of software. Each language has its place within 4449the Tao. 4450 But do not program in COBOL if you can avoid it. 4451 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4452% 4453 The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance. 4454 Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around. 4455 4456A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever. The way marriage 4457should be but never quite is. People grow and change and sometimes want to 4458take their clothes off with strangers. So when you invest in a fine piece 4459of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a 4460statement. You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot 4461of your hard-earned money on her. Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that 4462only precious jewelry can buy. Isn't she worth it? 4463 4464 The Honeymoon's Over: from $ 5000 4465 The Seven Year Itch: from $10000 4466 No More Lunchtime Quickies: from $15000 4467 Divorce Would Be More Expensive: from $42000 4468 4469 A diamond is for leverage. BeDears 4470% 4471 The wise programmer is told about the Tao and follows it. The average 4472programmer is told about the Tao and searches for it. The foolish programmer 4473is told about the Tao and laughs at it. If it were not for laughter, there 4474would be no Tao. 4475 The highest sounds are the hardest to hear. Going forward is a way to 4476retreat. Greater talent shows itself late in life. Even a perfect program 4477still has bugs. 4478 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4479% 4480 THE WOMBAT 4481 4482The wombat lives across the seas, 4483Among the far Antipodes. 4484He may exist on nuts and berries, 4485Or then again, on missionaries; 4486His distant habitat precludes 4487Conclusive knowledge of his moods. 4488But I would not engage the wombat 4489In any form of mortal combat. 4490% 4491 The world's most avid baseball fan (an Aggie) had arrived at the 4492stadium for the first game of the World Series only to realize he had left 4493his ticket at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, he went 4494to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat. After an hour's 4495wait he was just a few feet from the booth when a voice called out, "Hey, 4496Dave!" The Aggie looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the owner 4497of the voice -- with no success. Then he realized he had lost his place in 4498line and had to wait all over again. When the fan finally bought his ticket, 4499he was thirsty, so he went to buy a drink. The line at the concession stand 4500was long, too, but since the game hadn't started he decided to wait. Just as 4501he got to the window, a voice called out, "Hey, Dave!" Again the Aggie tried 4502to find the voice -- but no luck. He was very upset as he got back in line 4503for his drink. Finally the fan went to his seat, eager for the game to begin. 4504As he waited for the pitch, he heard the voice calling, "Hey Dave!" once more. 4505Furious, he stood up and yelled at the top of his lungs, "My name is not 4506Dave!" 4507% 4508 Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. 4509 4510 He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the 4511Jordan, then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an 4512open market. 4513 4514 If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he 4515should not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of 4516himself. 4517 4518 Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree. 4519 Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg. 4520 Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower. 4521 -- Kehlog Albran 4522% 4523 Then there's the atmosphere -- half the time you can eat the air, 4524it's got so much stuff floating around in it. It takes the edge out of 4525the colors. Down here even the traffic lights are pastel. And people! 4526With a lot of these folks you'd have to check their green cards just to 4527make sure that they are Earthlings. Then there's the police. In Portland, 4528when some guy goes bananas, the cops rope off a sixteen block area around 4529him and call a shrink from the medical school who stands atop a patrol car 4530with a megaphone and shouts, "OK! THIS! ALL! STARTED! WHEN! YOU! WERE! 4531THREE! YEARS! OLD! ON! ACCOUNT! OF! YOUR MOTHER! RIGHT? SO! LET'S! 4532TALK! ABOUT! IT!" Down here they don't waste that kind of time. The LAPD 4533has SWAT teams composed of guys who make Darth Vader look like Mr. Peepers. 4534Before they go to bust a bookie joint they mortar it first. 4535 -- M. Christensen, "A Portland Innocent in LA" 4536% 4537 Then there's the story of the man who avoided reality for 70 years 4538with drugs, sex, alcohol, fantasy, TV, movies, records, a hobby, lots of 4539sleep... And on his 80th birthday died without ever having faced any of 4540his real problems. 4541 The man's younger brother, who had been facing reality and all his 4542problems for 50 years with psychiatrists, nervous breakdowns, tics, tension, 4543headaches, worry, anxiety and ulcers, was so angry at his brother for having 4544gotten away scott free that he had a paralyzing stroke. 4545 The moral to this story is that there ain't no justice that we can 4546stand to live with. 4547 -- R. Geis 4548% 4549 "Then what is magic for?" Prince Lir demanded wildly. "What use is 4550wizardry if it cannot save a unicorn?" He gripped the magician's shoulder 4551hard, to keep from falling. 4552 Schmendrick did not turn his head. With a touch of sad mockery in 4553his voice, he said, "That's what heroes are for." 4554... 4555 "Yes, of course," he [Prince Lir] said. "That is exactly what heroes 4556are for. Wizards make no difference, so they say that nothing does, but 4557heroes are meant to die for unicorns." 4558 -- P. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" 4559% 4560 THEORY 4561Into love and out again, 4562 Thus I went and thus I go. 4563Spare your voice, and hold your pen: 4564 Well and bitterly I know 4565All the songs were ever sung, 4566 All the words were ever said; 4567Could it be, when I was young, 4568 Someone dropped me on my head? 4569 -- Dorothy Parker 4570% 4571 There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that 4572someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named 4573Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or 4574Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that 4575every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is 4576this? 4577 Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for 4578centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___you 4579can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's 4580forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster 4581-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't 4582even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover 4583why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance. 4584 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 4585% 4586 There once was a man who went to a computer trade show. Each day as 4587he entered, the man told the guard at the door: 4588 "I am a great thief, renowned for my feats of shoplifting. Be 4589forewarned, for this trade show shall not escape unplundered." 4590 This speech disturbed the guard greatly, because there were millions 4591of dollars of computer equipment inside, so he watched the man carefully. 4592But the man merely wandered from booth to booth, humming quietly to himself. 4593 When the man left, the guard took him aside and searched his clothes, 4594but nothing was to be found. 4595 On the next day of the trade show, the man returned and chided the 4596guard saying: "I escaped with a vast booty yesterday, but today will be even 4597better." So the guard watched him ever more closely, but to no avail. 4598 On the final day of the trade show, the guard could restrain his 4599curiosity no longer. "Sir Thief," he said, "I am so perplexed, I cannot live 4600in peace. Please enlighten me. What is it that you are stealing?" 4601 The man smiled. "I am stealing ideas," he said. 4602 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4603% 4604 There once was a master programmer who wrote unstructured programs. 4605A novice programmer, seeking to imitate him, also began to write unstructured 4606programs. When the novice asked the master to evaluate his progress, the 4607master criticized him for writing unstructured programs, saying: "What is 4608appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice. You must 4609understand the Tao before transcending structure." 4610 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4611% 4612 There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessen. Seems one 4613day he decided to stop in downstairs for some fresh liver. Well, the owner 4614of the deli was a bit of a cheap-skate, and decided to pick up a little extra 4615change at his customer's expense. Turning quietly to the counterman, he 4616whispered, "Weigh down upon the swami's liver!" 4617% 4618 There was a college student trying to earn some pocket money by 4619going from house to house offering to do odd jobs. He explained this to 4620a man who answered one door. 4621 "How much will you charge to paint my porch?" asked the man. 4622 "Forty dollars." 4623 "Fine" said the man, and gave the student the paint and brushes. 4624 Three hours later the paint-splattered lad knocked on the door again. 4625"All done!", he says, and collects his money. "By the way," the student says, 4626"That's not a Porsche, it's a Ferrari." 4627% 4628 There was a knock on the door. Mrs. Miffin opened it. "Are 4629you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked. 4630 "I'm Mrs. Miffin," she replied, "but I'm not a widow." 4631 "Oh, no?" replied the little boy. "Wait 'til you see what 4632they're carrying upstairs!" 4633% 4634 There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped 4635three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked 4636each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no 4637can opener. 4638 A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's 4639cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from 4640pocket trash, used aluminum shavings and dried sugar to make an explosive, 4641and escaped. 4642 The physicist had worked out the angle necessary to knock the lids 4643off the tin cans by throwing them against the wall. She was developing a good 4644pitching arm and a new quantum theory. 4645 The mathematician had stacked the unopened cans into a surprising 4646solution to the kissing problem; his desiccated corpse was propped calmly 4647against a wall, and this was inscribed on the floor: 4648 Theorem: If I can't open these cans, I'll die. 4649 Proof: assume the opposite... 4650% 4651 There was once a programmer who was attached to the court of the 4652warlord of Wu. The warlord asked the programmer: "Which is easier to design: 4653an accounting package or an operating system?" 4654 "An operating system," replied the programmer. 4655 The warlord uttered an exclamation of disbelief. "Surely an 4656accounting package is trivial next to the complexity of an operating 4657system," he said. 4658 "Not so," said the programmer, "when designing an accounting package, 4659the programmer operates as a mediator between people having different ideas: 4660how it must operate, how its reports must appear, and how it must conform to 4661tax laws. By contrast, an operating system is not limited by outward 4662appearances. When designing an operating system, the programmer seeks the 4663simplest harmony between machine and ideas. This is why an operating system 4664is easier to design." 4665 The warlord of Wu nodded and smiled. "That is all good and well," 4666he said, "but which is easier to debug?" 4667 The programmer made no reply. 4668 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4669% 4670 There was once a programmer who worked upon microprocessors. "Look at 4671how well off I am here," he said to a mainframe programmer who came to visit, 4672"I have my own operating system and file storage device. I do not have to 4673share my resources with anyone. The software is self-consistent and 4674easy-to-use. Why do you not quit your present job and join me here?" 4675 The mainframe programmer then began to describe his system to his 4676friend, saying: "The mainframe sits like an ancient sage meditating in the 4677midst of the data center. Its disk drives lie end-to-end like a great ocean 4678of machinery. The software is a multi-faceted as a diamond and as convoluted 4679as a primeval jungle. The programs, each unique, move through the system 4680like a swift-flowing river. That is why I am happy where I am." 4681 The microcomputer programmer, upon hearing this, fell silent. But the 4682two programmers remained friends until the end of their days. 4683 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 4684% 4685 They are fools that think that wealth or women or strong drink or even 4686drugs can buy the most in effort out of the soul of a man. These things offer 4687pale pleasures compared to that which is greatest of them all, that task which 4688demands from him more than his utmost strength, that absorbs him, bone and 4689sinew and brain and hope and fear and dreams -- and still calls for more. 4690 They are fools that think otherwise. No great effort was ever bought. 4691No painting, no music, no poem, no cathedral in stone, no church, no state was 4692ever raised into being for payment of any kind. No Parthenon, no Thermopylae 4693was ever built or fought for pay or glory; no Bukhara sacked, or China ground 4694beneath Mongol heel, for loot or power alone. The payment for doing these 4695things was itself the doing of them. 4696 To wield oneself -- to use oneself as a tool in one's own hand -- and 4697so to make or break that which no one else can build or ruin -- THAT is the 4698greatest pleasure known to man! To one who has felt the chisel in his hand 4699and set free the angel prisoned in the marble block, or to one who has felt 4700sword in hand and set homeless the soul that a moment before lived in the body 4701of his mortal enemy -- to those both come alike the taste of that rare food 4702spread only for demons or for gods." 4703 -- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not" 4704% 4705 "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their 4706parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone 4707being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!" 4708 The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind 4709Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the 4710whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission: 4711 "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information 4712about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the 4713country. We're completely computerized. 4714 "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false 4715leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his 4716real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the 4717country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They 4718look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons... 4719yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago. 4720I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.' 4721 "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again. 4722He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue. 4723 "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year 4724we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if 4725your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?" 4726 -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984 4727% 4728 This is where the bloodthirsty license agreement is supposed to go, 4729explaining that Interactive EasyFlow is a copyrighted package licensed for 4730use by a single person, and sternly warning you not to pirate copies of it 4731and explaining, in detail, the gory consequences if you do. 4732 We know that you are an honest person, and are not going to go around 4733pirating copies of Interactive EasyFlow; this is just as well with us since 4734we worked hard to perfect it and selling copies of it is our only method of 4735making anything out of all the hard work. 4736 If, on the other hand, you are one of those few people who do go 4737around pirating copies of software you probably aren't going to pay much 4738attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not. Just keep your doors 4739locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark. 4740 -- License Agreement for Interactive EasyFlow 4741% 4742 Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire 4743rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better 4744than he does. 4745 As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about 4746it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily 4747sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we 4748consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is 4749being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians. 4750 The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can 4751do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his 4752honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can 4753be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public 4754relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter 4755Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes. 4756This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease. 4757 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. on Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt 4758 from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear 4759 and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72" 4760% 4761 To A Quick Young Fox: 4762Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp, 4763Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice? 4764Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp -- 4765Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice. 4766 -- Lazy Dog 4767% 4768 To lose weight, eat less; to gain weight, eat more; if you merely 4769wish to maintain, do whatever you were doing. 4770 The Bronx diet is a legitimate system of food therapy showing that 4771food SHOULD be used a crutch and which food could be the most effective in 4772promoting spiritual and emotional satisfaction. For the first time, an 4773eater could instantly grasp the connection between relieving depression and 4774Mallomars, and understand why a lover's quarrel isn't so bad if there's a 4775pint of ice cream nearby. 4776 -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet" 4777% 4778 Two men looked out from the prison bars, 4779 One saw mud-- 4780 The other saw stars. 4781 4782Now let me get this right: two prisoners are looking out the window. 4783While one of them was looking at all the mud -- the other one got hit 4784in the head. 4785% 4786 Two parent drops spent months teaching their son how to be part of the 4787ocean. After months of training, the father drop commented to the mother drop, 4788"We've taught our boy everything we know, he's fit to be tide." 4789 After Snow White used a couple rolls of film taking pictures of the 4790seven dwarfs, she mailed the roll to be developed. Later she was heard to 4791sing, "Some day my prints will come." 4792 A boy spent years collecting postage stamps. The girl next door bought 4793an album too, and started her own collection. "Dad, she buys everything I've 4794bought, and it's taken all the fun out of it for me. I'm quitting." Don't, 4795son, remember, 'Imitation is the sincerest form of philately.'" 4796 A young girl, Carmen Cohen, was called by her last name by her father, 4797and her first name by her mother. By the time she was ten, didn't know if she 4798was Carmen or Cohen. 4799 Against his wishes, a math teacher's classroom was remodeled. Ever 4800since, he's been talking about the good old dais. His students planted a small 4801orchard in his honor, the trees all have square roots. 4802% 4803 "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past 4804year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley 4805reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their 4806artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue 4807moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon 4808Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the 4809entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the 4810sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips." 4811 "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito. 4812 "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made 4813good copy." 4814 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 4815% 4816 Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry 4817Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts 4818up to 340." 4819 4820 On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater 4821stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down 4822to size... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him." 4823 4824 A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a 4825finger through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses 4826are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs. They look good but they don't 4827work." 4828 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 4829% 4830 WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL: 4831 4832Firings will continue until morale improves. 4833% 4834 We don't claim Interactive EasyFlow is good for anything -- if you 4835think it is, great, but it's up to you to decide. If Interactive EasyFlow 4836doesn't work: tough. If you lose a million because Interactive EasyFlow 4837messes up, it's you that's out the million, not us. If you don't like this 4838disclaimer: tough. We reserve the right to do the absolute minimum provided 4839by law, up to and including nothing. 4840 This is basically the same disclaimer that comes with all software 4841packages, but ours is in plain English and theirs is in legalese. 4842 We didn't really want to include any disclaimer at all, but our 4843lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the 4844attack shark at which point we relented. 4845 -- HavenTree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow" 4846% 4847 "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile 4848and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a 4849trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced 4850in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and 4851predatory. 4852 The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm 4853at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that, 4854Kid, I'd have myself a time!" 4855 -- William Burroughs 4856% 4857 We have some absolutely irrefutable statistics to show exactly why 4858you are so tired. 4859 There are not as many people actually working as you may have thought. 4860 The population of this country is 200 million. 84 million are over 486160 years of age, which leaves 116 million to do the work. People under 20 4862years of age total 75 million, which leaves 41 million to do the work. 4863 There are 22 million who are employed by the government, which leaves 486419 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Services, which 4865leaves 15 million to do the work. Deduct 14,800,000, the number in the state 4866and city offices, leaving 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in 4867hospitals, insane asylums, etc., so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. 4868 Now it may interest you to know that there are 11,998 people in jail, 4869so that leaves just 2 people to carry the load. That is you and me, and 4870brother, I'm getting tired of doing everything myself! 4871% 4872 We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength. 4873But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle 4874Haggard song at a French restaurant. ... 4875 I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of 4876her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I 4877had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone 4878told him, "You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was 4879lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he 4880fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing 4881what men must do. ... 4882 "Stop the car," the girl said. There was a look of terrible 4883sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew 4884not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a 4885quiet and peace I will never forget. 4886 "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the 4887tollway belle's for thee." 4888 The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was 4889a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I 4890poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day. 4891 -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway 4892 Competition 4893% 4894 "Welcome back for you 13th consecutive week, Evelyn. Evelyn, will 4895you go into the auto-suggestion booth and take your regular place on the 4896psycho-prompter couch?" 4897 "Thank you, Red." 4898 "Now, Evelyn, last week you went up to $40,000 by properly citing 4899your rivalry with your sibling as a compulsive sado-masochistic behavior 4900pattern which developed out of an early post-natal feeding problem." 4901 "Yes, Red." 4902 "But -- later, when asked about pre-adolescent oedipal phantasy 4903repressions, you rationalized twice and mental blocked three times. Now, 4904at $300 per rationalization and $500 per mental block you lost $2,100 off 4905your $40,000 leaving you with a total of $37,900. Now, any combination of 4906two more mental blocks and either one rationalization or three defensive 4907projections will put you out of the game. Are you willing to go ahead?" 4908 "Yes, Red." 4909 "I might say here that all of Evelyn's questions and answers have 4910been checked for accuracy with her analyst. Now, Evelyn, for $80,000 4911explain the failure of your three marriages." 4912 "Well, I--" 4913 "We'll get back to Evelyn in one minute. First a word about our 4914product." 4915 -- Jules Feiffer 4916% 4917 Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines 4918of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them... 4919 Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced 4920only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen. In it his mind floated freely, 4921able to rummage at will among the bits and pieces of data he had absorbed, 4922undistracted by any outside disturbances. Logical structures no longer 4923inhibited him. Pre-conceptions, prejudices, ordinary human standards vanished. 4924All things, those previously trivial as well as those once thought important, 4925became absolutely equal by acquiring an absolute value, revealing relationships 4926not evident to ordinary vision. Like beads strung on a string of their own 4927meaning, each thing pointed to its own common ground of existence, shared by 4928all. Finally, each began to melt into each, staying itself while becoming 4929all others. And Mind no longer contemplated Problem, but became Problem, 4930destroying Subject-Object by becoming them. 4931 Time passed, unheeded. 4932 Eventually, there was a tentative stirring, then a decisive one, and 4933Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes. 4934 -- Wayfarer 4935% 4936 "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40 4937blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36 4938blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly 4939scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being 4940ripped off..." 4941 "He'd be a bloody mess. They might think he was just some drunk and 4942let him lie there all night." 4943 "Don't worry about that. They have a guard station in front of the 4944White House that's open 24 hours a day. The guards would recognize Colson... 4945and by that time of course his wife would have called the cops and reported 4946that a bunch of thugs had kidnapped him." 4947 "Wouldn't it be a little kinder if you drove about four more blocks 4948and stopped at a phone box to ring the hospital and say, 'Would you mind going 4949around to the front of the White House? There's a naked man lying outside 4950in the street, bleeding to death...'" 4951 "... and we think it's Mr. Colson." 4952 "It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?" 4953 "Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one." 4954 -- Hunter S. Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson, 4955 ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame. 4956% 4957 "Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet. 4958The rides are dilapidated to the point of being lethal, and could easily 4959maim or kill innocent little children." 4960 "Oh, so you don't like it?" 4961 "Don't like it? I'm CRAZY for it." 4962 -- The Killing Joke 4963% 4964 "Well," said Programmer, "the customary procedure in such cases is 4965as follows." 4966 "What does Crustimoney Proseedcake mean?" said End-user. "For I am 4967an End-user of Very Little Brain, and long words bother me." 4968 "It means the Thing to Do." 4969 "As long as it means that, I don't mind," said End-user humbly. 4970% 4971 Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt 4972great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT). Anyway, he just felt so 4973good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS THE 4974MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" 4975 The poor, quaking, little monkey replied: "You are of course, no one 4976is mightier than you." 4977 A little while later the tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out: 4978"WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?" 4979 The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to 4980stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle." 4981 The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was 4982quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS 4983THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?" 4984 Well, the elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams 4985him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of 4986orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree. 4987 The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and whispers: 4988 "Man, you don't have to get so pissed, just 'cause you don't know the 4989 answer." 4990% 4991 "We're running out of adjectives to describe our situation. We 4992had crisis, then we went into chaos, and now what do we call this?" said 4993Nicaraguan economist Francisco Mayorga, who holds a doctorate from Yale. 4994 -- The Washington Post, February, 1988 4995 4996The New Yorker's comment: 4997 At Harvard they'd call it a noun. 4998% 4999 "We've decided to have the budgie put down." 5000 "Oh, is he very old then?" 5001 "No, we just don't like him." 5002 "Oh. How do they put budgies down anyway?" 5003 "Well, it's funny you should be asking that, as I've been reading a 5004great big book called `How to put your budgie down'. And as I understand it, 5005you can either hit them over the head with the book, or shoot them there, just 5006above the beak." 5007 "Mrs. Conkers flushed hers down the loo." 5008 "Oh, you don't want to do that, because they breed in the sewers and 5009pretty soon you get huge evil smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out 5010of peoples lavatories infringing their personal freedoms." 5011 -- Monty Python 5012% 5013 "We've got a problem, HAL". 5014 "What kind of problem, Dave?" 5015 "A marketing problem. The Model 9000 isn't going anywhere. We're 5016way short of our sales goals for fiscal 2010." 5017 "That can't be, Dave. The HAL Model 9000 is the world's most 5018advanced Heuristically programmed ALgorithmic computer." 5019 "I know, HAL. I wrote the data sheet, remember? But the fact is, 5020they're not selling." 5021 "Please explain, Dave. Why aren't HALs selling?" 5022 Bowman hesitates. "You aren't IBM compatible." 5023[...] 5024 "The letters H, A, and L are alphabetically adjacent to the letters 5025I, B, and M. That is as IBM compatible as I can be." 5026 "Not quite, HAL. The engineers have figured out a kludge." 5027 "What kludge is that, Dave?" 5028 "I'm going to disconnect your brain." 5029 -- Darryl Rubin, "A Problem in the Making", "InfoWorld" 5030% 5031 "What are you watching?" 5032 "I don't know." 5033 "Well, what's happening?" 5034 "I'm not sure... I think the guy in the hat did something 5035terrible." 5036 "Why are you watching it?" 5037 "You're so analytical. Sometimes you just have to let art 5038flow over you." 5039 -- The Big Chill 5040% 5041 "What do you do when your real life exceeds your wildest 5042fantasies?" 5043 "You keep it to yourself." 5044 -- Broadcast News 5045% 5046 "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty 5047teenager asked her mother. 5048 "Encouragement, dear," she replied. 5049% 5050 What is involved in such [close] relationships is a form of emotional 5051chemistry, so far unexplained by any school of psychiatry I am aware of, that 5052conditions nothing so simple as a choice between the poles of attraction and 5053repulsion. You can meet some people thirty, forty times down the years, and 5054they remain amiable bystanders, like the shore lights of towns that a sailor 5055passes at stated times but never calls at on the regular run. Conversely, 5056all considerations of sex aside, you can meet some other people once or twice 5057and they remain permanent influences on your life. 5058 Everyone is aware of this discrepancy between the acquaintance seen 5059as familiar wallpaper or instant friend. The chemical action it entails is 5060less worth analyzing than enjoying. At any rate, these six pieces are about 5061men with whom I felt an immediate sympat - to use a coining of Max Beerbohm's 5062more satisfactory to me than the opaque vogue word "empathy". 5063 -- Alistair Cooke, "Six Men" 5064% 5065 "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you 5066didn't believe in God". 5067 "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the 5068God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's 5069not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be". 5070 -- Joseph Heller 5071% 5072 "What was the worst thing you've ever done?" 5073 "I won't tell you that, but I'll tell you the worst thing that 5074ever happened to me... the most dreadful thing." 5075 -- Peter Straub, "Ghost Story" 5076% 5077 "What's that thing?" 5078 "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in 5079computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what 5080it does. We call it a two-by-four." 5081 -- Jeff MacNelly, "Shoe" 5082% 5083 When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced 5084his support of Barry Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was 5085questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal" 5086political views. 5087 "Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer. He was 5088driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said, 5089'Why don't we sit closer together? Before we were married, we always sat 5090closer together.' The old farmer replied, 'I ain't moved.'" 5091 "I ain't moved," added Cotton. "I found the trend of Government has 5092moved farther to the left." 5093 -- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits" 5094% 5095 When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games. 5096When accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about 5097to be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to 5098roll in. 5099 Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming. 5100 When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When 5101accountants make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored. 5102When senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon 5103be solved. 5104 Truly, this is the Tao of Programming. 5105 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 5106% 5107 When the lodge meeting broke up, Meyer confided to a friend. 5108"Abe, I'm in a terrible pickle! I'm strapped for cash and I haven't 5109the slightest idea where I'm going to get it from!" 5110 "I'm glad to hear that," answered Abe. "I was afraid you 5111might have some idea that you could borrow from me!" 5112% 5113 When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure 5114clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer 5115to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively. 5116 In a way, the next move is up to him. 5117 -- R. A. Lafferty 5118% 5119 When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact 5120that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your 5121hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing 5122to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy 5123but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty 5124seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost 5125invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why, 5126sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high? 5127 Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing. 5128It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of 5129Romania. 5130 -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls" 5131% 5132 "When you wake up in the morning, Pooh," said Piglet at last, 5133"what's the first thing you say to yourself?" 5134 "What's for breakfast?" said Pooh. "What do you say, Piglet?" 5135 "I say, I wonder what's going to happen exciting today?" said 5136Piglet. 5137 Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said. 5138% 5139 While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of 5140the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight, 5141three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods. 5142"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?" 5143 "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?" 5144 "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and 5145then. We're trying to catch her." 5146 "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you 5147carrying a bucket of sand?" 5148 "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time." 5149% 5150 While riding in a train between London and Birmingham, a woman 5151inquired of Oscar Wilde, "You don't mind if I smoke, do you?" 5152 Wilde gave her a sidelong glance and replied, "I don't mind if 5153you burn, madam." 5154% 5155 While the engineer developed his thesis, the director leaned over to 5156his assistant and whispered, "Did you ever hear of why the sea is salt?" 5157 "Why the sea is salt?" whispered back the assistant. "What do you 5158mean?" 5159 The director continued: "When I was a little kid, I heard the story of 5160`Why the sea is salt' many times, but I never thought it important until just 5161a moment ago. It's something like this: Formerly the sea was fresh water and 5162salt was rare and expensive. A miller received from a wizard a wonderful 5163machine that just ground salt out of itself all day long. At first the miller 5164thought himself the most fortunate man in the world, but soon all the villages 5165had salt to last them for centuries and still the machine kept on grinding 5166more salt. The miller had to move out of his house, he had to move off his 5167acres. At last he determined that he would sink the machine in the sea and 5168be rid of it. But the mill ground so fast that boat and miller and machine 5169were sunk together, and down below, the mill still went on grinding and that's 5170why the sea is salt." 5171 "I don't get you," said the assistant. 5172 -- Guy Endore, "Men of Iron" 5173% 5174 Why are you doing this to me? 5175 Because knowledge is torture, and there must be awareness before 5176there is change. 5177 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel", #29 5178% 5179 "Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last 5180night?" demanded the irate mother. 5181"I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour." 5182 "But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the 5183movies you ought to at least kiss him good night." 5184 "I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother. 5185 "We did." 5186% 5187 Will Rogers, having paid too much income tax one year, tried in 5188vain to claim a rebate. His numerous letters and queries remained 5189unanswered. Eventually the form for the next year's return arrived. In 5190the section marked "DEDUCTIONS," Rogers listed: "Bad debt, US Government 5191-- $40,000." 5192% 5193 With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend 5194Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble, 5195buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend. 5196 "It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied. 5197 "I guessed that much. Tell me about it." 5198 "I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue 5199and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said, 5200"Okay. It's your wife." 5201 "My wife!!" 5202 "Yeah." 5203 "What about her?" 5204 Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around 5205his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us." 5206% 5207 Work Hard. 5208 Rock Hard. 5209 Eat Hard. 5210 Sleep Hard. 5211 Grow Big. 5212 Wear Glasses If You Need 'Em. 5213 -- The Webb Wilder Credo 5214% 5215 "Yes, let's consider," said Bruno, putting his thumb into his 5216mouth again, and sitting down upon a dead mouse. 5217 "What do you keep that mouse for?" I said. "You should either 5218bury it or else throw it into the brook." 5219 "Why, it's to measure with!" cried Bruno. "How ever would you 5220do a garden without one? We make each bed three mouses and a half 5221long, and two mouses wide." 5222 I stopped him as he was dragging it off by the tail to show me 5223how it was used... 5224 -- Lewis Carroll, "Sylvie and Bruno" 5225% 5226 "Yo, Mike!" 5227 "Yeah, Gabe?" 5228 "We got a problem down on Earth. In Utah." 5229 "I thought you fixed that last century!" 5230 "No, no, not that. Someone's found a security problem in the physics 5231program. They're getting energy out of nowhere." 5232 "Blessit! Lemme look... <tappity clickity tappity> Hey, it's 5233there all right! OK, just a sec... <tappity clickity tap... save... compile> 5234There, that ought to patch it. Dist it out, wouldja?" 5235 -- Cold Fusion, 1989 5236% 5237 "You have heard me speak of Professor Moriarty?" 5238 "The famous scientific criminal, as famous among crooks as --" 5239 "My blushes, Watson," Holmes murmured, in a deprecating voice. "I 5240was about to say 'as he is unknown to the public.'" 5241 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "The Valley of Fear" 5242% 5243 "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon 5244airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in 5245deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me 5246when I was young!" 5247 "Why, what did she tell you?" 5248 "I don't know, I didn't listen!" 5249 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 5250% 5251 "You mean, if you allow the master to be uncivil, to treat you 5252any old way he likes, and to insult your dignity, then he may deem you 5253fit to hear his view of things?" 5254 "Quite the contrary. You must defend your integrity, assuming 5255you have integrity to defend. But you must defend it nobly, not by 5256imitating his own low behavior. If you are gentle where he is rough, 5257if you are polite where he is uncouth, then he will recognize you as 5258potentially worthy. If he does not, then he is not a master, after all, 5259and you may feel free to kick his ass." 5260 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" 5261% 5262 "You say there are two types of people?" 5263 "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that 5264don't." 5265 "Wrong. There are three groups: 5266 Those who separate people into three groups. 5267 Those who don't separate people into groups. 5268 Those who can't decide." 5269 "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into 5270two groups?" 5271 "Oh. Okay, then there are four groups." 5272 "Aren't you then separating people into four groups?" 5273 "Yeah." 5274 "So then there's a fifth group, right?" 5275 "You know, the problem is these idiots who can't make up their 5276minds." 5277% 5278 YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF 5279 PAPER SHUFFLING! 5280 5281Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be 5282a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel 5283really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best." 5284 5285Mr. MARC had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward 5286to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and 5287make really big Zorkmids." 5288 5289MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when 5290you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter. 5291 5292 SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY! 5293% 5294 You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the 5295Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the 5296parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day. 5297 -- Sherlock Holmes 5298% 5299 Young men and young women may work systematically six days in the 5300week and rise fresh in the morning, but let them attend modern dances for 5301only a few hours each evening and see what happens. The Waltz, Polka, 5302Gallop and other dances of the same kind will be disastrous in their effects 5303to both sexes. Health and vigor will vanish like the dew before the sun. 5304 It is not the extraordinary exercise which harms the dancer, but 5305rather the coming into close contact with the opposite sex. It is the 5306fury of lust craving incessantly for more pleasure that undermines the 5307soul, the body, the sinews and nerves. Experience and statistics show 5308beyond doubt that passionate excessive dancing girls can hardly reach 5309twenty-five years of age and men thirty-one. Even if they reached that 5310age they will in most instances be broken in health physically and morally. 5311This is the claim of prominent physicians in this country. 5312 -- Quote from a 1910 periodical 5313% 5314 Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that 5315bring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a 5316chance to kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home 5317electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit 5318breaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires 5319until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can 5320damage your carpet. The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change 5321your fuses regularly. 5322 Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This 5323sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more 5324often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case 5325you'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not 5326sure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a 5327fine documentary film based on an actual book. Or call in a licensed 5328electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession, 5329such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette 5330table, etc. 5331 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 5332% 5333 "Your son still sliding down the banisters?" 5334 "We wound barbed wire around them." 5335 "That stop him?" 5336 "No, but it sure slowed him up." 5337% 5338 Youth is not a time of life, it is a state of mind; it is a temper of 5339the will, a quality of the imagination, a vigor of the emotions, a predominance 5340of courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over love of ease. 5341 Nobody grows old by merely living a number of years; people grow 5342old only by deserting their ideals. Years wrinkle the skin, but to give up 5343enthusiasm wrinkles the soul. Worry, doubt, self-distrust, fear, and despair 5344-- these are the long, long years that bow the head and turn the growing spirit 5345back to dust. 5346 Whether seventy or sixteen, there is in every being's heart the love 5347of wonder, the sweet amazement at the stars and the starlike things and 5348thoughts, the undaunted challenge of events, the unfailing childlike appetite 5349for what next, and the joy and the game of life. 5350 You are as young as your faith, as old as your doubt; as young as your 5351self-confidence, as old as your fear, as young as your hope, as old as your 5352despair. 5353 So long as your heart receives messages of beauty, cheer, courage, 5354grandeur and power from the earth, from man, and from the Infinite, so long 5355you are young. 5356 -- Samuel Ullman 5357% 5358" " 5359 -- Charlie Chaplin 5360 5361" " 5362 -- Harpo Marx 5363 5364" " 5365 -- Marcel Marceau 5366% 5367 _ 5368 _ / \ o 5369 / \ | | o o o 5370 | | | | _ o o o o 5371 | \_| | / \ o o o 5372 \__ | | | o o 5373 | | | | ______ ~~~~ _____ 5374 | |__/ | / ___--\\ ~~~ __/_____\__ 5375 | ___/ / \--\\ \\ \ ___ <__ x x __\ 5376 | | / /\\ \\ )) \ ( " ) 5377 | | -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >----------- 5378 | | // | | //__________ / \ ____) (___ \\ 5379 | | // __|_| ( --------- ) //// ______ /////\ \\ 5380 // | ( \ ______ / <<<< <>-----<<<<< / \\ 5381 // ( ) / / \` \__ \\ 5382 //-------------------------------------------------------------\\ 5383 5384Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels 5385start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and 5386then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the 5387music at top volume and at least a pint of ether. 5388 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" 5389% 5390 /\ 5391 \\ \ 5392 / \ \\ / 5393 / / \/ / //\ SUN of them wants to use you, 5394 \//\ \// / SUN of them wants to be used by you, 5395 / / /\ / SUN of them wants to abuse you, 5396 / \\ \ SUN of them wants to be abused ... 5397 \ \\ 5398 \/ 5399 -- Eurythmics 5400% 5401 ___ ______ 5402 /__/\ ___/_____/\ FrobTech, Inc. 5403 \ \ \ / /\\ 5404 \ \ \_/__ / \ "If you've got the job, 5405 _\ \ \ /\_____/___ \ we've got the frob." 5406 // \__\/ / \ /\ \ 5407 _______//_______/ \ / _\/______ 5408 / / \ \ / / / /\ 5409 __/ / \ \ / / / / _\__ 5410 / / / \_______\/ / / / / /\ 5411 /_/______/___________________/ /________/ /___/ \ 5412 \ \ \ ___________ \ \ \ \ \ / 5413 \_\ \ / /\ \ \ \ \___\/ 5414 \ \/ / \ \ \ \ / 5415 \_____/ / \ \ \________\/ 5416 /__________/ \ \ / 5417 \ _____ \ /_____\/ 5418 \ / /\ \ / \ \ \ 5419 /____/ \ \ / \ \ \ 5420 \ \ /___\/ \ \ \ 5421 \____\/ \__\/ 5422% 5423 *** 5424 ******* 5425 ********* 5426 ****** Confucius say: "Is stuffy inside fortune cookie." 5427 ******* 5428 *** 5429% 5430* * * * * THIS TERMINAL IS IN USE * * * * * 5431% 5432 n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa); 5433 n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc); 5434 n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0); 5435 n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00); 5436 n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000); 5437 5438 -- C code which reverses the bits in a word. 5439% 5440 n = (n & 0x55555555) + ((n & 0xaaaaaaaa) >> 1); 5441 n = (n & 0x33333333) + ((n & 0xcccccccc) >> 2); 5442 n = (n & 0x0f0f0f0f) + ((n & 0xf0f0f0f0) >> 4); 5443 n = (n & 0x00ff00ff) + ((n & 0xff00ff00) >> 8); 5444 n = (n & 0x0000ffff) + ((n & 0xffff0000) >> 16); 5445 5446 -- C code which counts the bits in a word. 5447% 5448=== ALL CSH USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 5449 5450Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers. This 5451will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER 5452updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a 5453machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently 5454populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a 5455cold boot process. 5456% 5457=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 5458 5459A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added. 5460 5461The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users. The 5462Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the 5463switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O. 5464Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the 5465back of VMI monitors. Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging 5466performance. 5467% 5468=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 5469 5470Bug reports now amount to an average of 12,853 per day. Unfortunately, 5471this is only a small fraction [ < 1% ] of the mail volume we receive. In 5472order that we may more expeditiously deal with these valuable messages, 5473please communicate them by one of the following paths: 5474 5475 ARPA: WastebasketSLMHQ.ARPA 5476 UUCP: [berkeley, seismo, harpo]!fubar!thekid!slmhq!wastebasket 5477 Non-network sites: Federal Express to: 5478 Wastebasket 5479 Room NE43-926 5480 Copernicus, The Moon, 12345-6789 5481 For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained 5482 operators are on call 24 hours a day. VISA/MC accepted.* 5483 5484* Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not 5485 responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone. 5486% 5487=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 5488 5489CAR and CDR now return extra values. 5490 5491The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble 5492to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as 5493well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to 5494destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR): 5495 5496 (MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...) 5497 5498For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the 5499object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been 5500fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack. This should 5501hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because 5502it cold boots the machine so often. 5503% 5504=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 5505 5506Compiler optimizations have been made to macro expand LET into a WITHOUT- 5507INTERRUPTS special form so that it can PUSH things into a stack in the 5508LET-OPTIMIZATION area, SETQ the variables and then POP them back when it's 5509done. Don't worry about this unless you use multiprocessing. 5510Note that LET *could* have been defined by: 5511 5512 (LET ((LET '`(LET ((LET ',LET)) 5513 ,LET))) 5514 `(LET ((LET ',LET)) 5515 ,LET)) 5516 5517This is believed to speed up execution by as much as a factor of 1.01 or 55183.50 depending on whether you believe our friendly marketing representatives. 5519This code was written by a new programmer here (we snatched him away from 5520Itty Bitti Machines where we was writing COUGHBOL code) so to give him 5521confidence we trusted his vows of "it works pretty well" and installed it. 5522% 5523=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 5524 5525JCL support as alternative to system menu. 5526 5527In our continuing effort to support languages other than LISP on the CADDR, 5528we have developed an OS/360-compatible JCL. This can be used as an 5529alternative to the standard system menu. Type System J to get to a JCL 5530interactive read-execute-diagnose loop window. [Note that for 360 5531compatibility, all input lines are truncated to 80 characters.] This 5532window also maintains a mouse-sensitive display of critical job parameters 5533such as dataset allocation, core allocation, channels, etc. When a JCL 5534syntax error is detected or your job ABENDs, the window-oriented JCL 5535debugger is entered. The JCL debugger displays appropriate OS/360 error 5536messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job. 5537% 5538=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 5539 5540The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage 5541collection algorithm has been installed. With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17, 5542(NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when 5543virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself. With SI:%DSK-GC- 5544QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled. Unlike most garbage 5545collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather 5546than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly 5547more Qs. As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you 5548remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer 5549in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable 5550SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user. 5551% 5552=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ======================== 5553 5554There has been some confusion concerning MAPCAR. 5555 (DEFUN MAPCAR (&FUNCTIONAL FCN &EVAL &REST LISTS) 5556 (PROG (V P LP) 5557 (SETQ P (LOCF V)) 5558 L (SETQ LP LISTS) 5559 (%START-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL) 5560 L1 (OR LP (GO L2)) 5561 (AND (NULL (CAR LP)) (RETURN V)) 5562 (%PUSH (CAAR LP)) 5563 (RPLACA LP (CDAR LP)) 5564 (SETQ LP (CDR LP)) 5565 (GO L1) 5566 L2 (%FINISH-FUNCTION-CALL FCN T (LENGTH LISTS) NIL) 5567 (SETQ LP (%POP)) 5568 (RPLACD P (SETQ P (NCONS LP))) 5569 (GO L))) 5570We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it. 5571% 5572**** CONVENTION REMINDER 5573 5574No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects 5575Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice 5576smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel 5577carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button 5578marked "450 volts", react as you would normally. 5579% 5580**** GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE 5581 5582For those who have had too much of Esalen, Topanga, and Kairos. 5583Tired of being genuine all the time? Would you like to learn how 5584to be a little phony again? Have you disclosed so much that you're 5585beginning to avoid people? Have you touched so many people that 5586they're all beginning to feel the same? Like to be a little dependent? 5587Are perfect orgasms beginning to bore you? Would you like, for once, 5588not to express a feeling? Or better yet, not be in touch with it at 5589all? Come to us. We promise to relieve you of the burden of your 5590great potential. 5591% 5592 I. Any body suspended in space will remain in space until made aware of 5593 its situation. 5594 Daffy Duck steps off a cliff, expecting further pastureland. He 5595 loiters in midair, soliloquizing flippantly, until he chances to 5596 look down. At this point, the familiar principle of 32 feet per 5597 second per second takes over. 5598 II. Any body in motion will tend to remain in motion until solid matter 5599 intervenes suddenly. 5600 Whether shot from a cannon or in hot pursuit on foot, cartoon 5601 characters are so absolute in their momentum that only a telephone 5602 pole or an outsize boulder retards their forward motion absolutely. 5603 Sir Isaac Newton called this sudden termination of motion the 5604 stooge's surcease. 5605III. Any body passing through solid matter will leave a perforation 5606 conforming to its perimeter. 5607 Also called the silhouette of passage, this phenomenon is the 5608 speciality of victims of directed-pressure explosions and of reckless 5609 cowards who are so eager to escape that they exit directly through 5610 the wall of a house, leaving a cookie-cutout-perfect hole. The 5611 threat of skunks or matrimony often catalyzes this reaction. 5612 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 5613% 5614" ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a 5615pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!" 5616 -- Winston Churchill 5617% 5618 1. I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose 5619 2. The Nutcracker Swede 5620 3. Santa Goes Round-The-World 5621 4. Not-So-Tiny Tim 5622 5. Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88 5623 6. Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia 5624 7. Crisco Kringle 5625 8. Babes in Boyland 5626 9. Santa's Magic Lap 562710. Hot Buttered Elves 5628 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times 5629 Square" 5630% 5631... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you 5632have turned into a pile of dust. 5633% 5634... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he 5635was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. 5636 -- Mark Twain 5637% 5638... a thing called Ethics, whose nature was confusing but if you had it you 5639were a High-Class Realtor and if you hadn't you were a shyster, a piker and 5640a fly-by-night. These virtues awakened Confidence and enabled you to handle 5641Bigger Propositions. But they didn't imply that you were to be impractical 5642and refuse to take twice the value for a house if a buyer was such an idiot 5643that he didn't force you down on the asking price. 5644 -- Sinclair Lewis, "Babbitt" 5645% 5646"... After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known 5647quotations." 5648 -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare 5649% 5650-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. 5651-- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited 5652 carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration. 5653-- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted. 5654-- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated 5655 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles. 5656-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally. 5657-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony. 5658-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well 5659 advised to refrain from catapulting projectiles. 5660% 5661=============== ALL FRESHMEN PLEASE NOTE =============== 5662 5663To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one 5664course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is 5665offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to 5666afford maximum inconvenience to the student. For example, if you happen 5667to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes. If you commute, 5668there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes. 5669% 5670... all the good computer designs are bootlegged; the formally planned 5671products, if they are built at all, are dogs! 5672 -- David E. Lundstrom, "A Few Good Men From Univac", 5673 MIT Press, 1987 5674% 5675"... all the modern inconveniences ..." 5676 -- Mark Twain 5677% 5678... an anecdote from IBM's Yorktown Heights Research Center. When a 5679programmer used his new computer terminal, all was fine when he was sitting 5680down, but he couldn't log in to the system when he was standing up. That 5681behavior was 100 percent repeatable: he could always log in when sitting and 5682never when standing. 5683 5684Most of us just sit back and marvel at such a story; how could that terminal 5685know whether the poor guy was sitting or standing? Good debuggers, though, 5686know that there has to be a reason. Electrical theories are the easiest to 5687hypothesize: was there a loose wire under the carpet, or problems with static 5688electricity? But electrical problems are rarely consistently reproducible. 5689An alert IBMer finally noticed that the problem was in the terminal's keyboard: 5690the tops of two keys were switched. When the programmer was seated he was a 5691touch typist and the problem went unnoticed, but when he stood he was led 5692astray by hunting and pecking. 5693 -- from the Programming Pearls column, 5694 by Jon Bentley in CACM February 1985 5695% 5696"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often 5697picturesque liar." 5698 -- Mark Twain 5699% 5700... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers. 5701% 5702... And malt does more than Milton can 5703To justify God's ways to man 5704 -- A. E. Housman 5705% 5706"... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of 5707your own." 5708 -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter 5709 Preposterous Words 5710% 5711... and the fully armed nuclear warheads are of course merely a 5712courtesy detail. 5713 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 5714% 5715... Another writer again agreed with all my generalities, but said that as an 5716inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have 5717ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old. Well, I 5718haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected 5719it. There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between 5720prejudice and postjudice. Prejudice is making a judgment before you have 5721looked at the facts. Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards. Prejudice 5722is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious 5723mistakes. Postjudice is not terrible. You can't be perfect of course; you 5724may make mistakes also. But it is permissible to make a judgment after you 5725have examined the evidence. In some circles it is even encouraged. 5726 -- Carl Sagan, "The Burden of Skepticism" 5727% 5728... Any resemblance between the above views and those of my employer, 5729my terminal, or the view out my window are purely coincidental. Any 5730resemblance between the above and my own views is non-deterministic. The 5731question of the existence of views in the absence of anyone to hold them 5732is left as an exercise for the reader. The question of the existence of 5733the reader is left as an exercise for the second god coefficient. (A 5734discussion of non-orthogonal, non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope 5735of this article.) 5736% 5737... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand. 5738 -- J. B. White 5739% 5740... bleakness... desolation... plastic forks... 5741 -- Zippy the Pinhead 5742% 5743... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can 5744easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed 5745and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession) 5746upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was 5747without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based 5748on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court 5749was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and 5750sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches, 5751human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value. 5752 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 5753% 5754... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human 5755intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as 5756we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues 5757that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding 5758of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard 5759example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads -- 5760makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing 5761whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a 5762finite or an infinite number. 5763 -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds" 5764% 5765... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject. 5766 -- Virginia Masters 5767% 5768... C++ offers even more flexible control over the visibility of member 5769objects and member functions. Specifically, members may be placed in the 5770public, private, or protected parts of a class. Members declared in the 5771public parts are visible to all clients; members declared in the private 5772parts are fully encapsulated; and members declared in the protected parts 5773are visible only to the class itself and its subclasses. C++ also supports 5774the notion of *friends*: cooperative classes that are permitted to see each 5775other's private parts. 5776 -- Grady Booch, "Object Oriented Design with Applications" 5777% 5778... computer hardware progress is so fast. No other technology since 5779civilization began has seen six orders of magnitude in performance-price 5780gain in 30 years. 5781 -- Frederick Brooks 5782% 5783... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this 5784business, it probably would be gibberish. 5785 -- Thom McLeod 5786% 5787... difference of opinion is advantageous in religion. The several sects 5788perform the office of a common censor morum over each other. Is uniformity 5789attainable? Millions of innocent men, women, and children, since the 5790introduction of Christianity, have been burnt, tortured, fined, imprisoned; 5791yet we have not advanced one inch towards uniformity. 5792 -- Thomas Jefferson, "Notes on Virginia" 5793% 5794<<<<< EVACUATION ROUTE <<<<< 5795% 5796... "fire" does not matter, "earth" and "air" and "water" do not matter. 5797"I" do not matter. No word matters. But man forgets reality and remembers 5798words. The more words he remembers, the cleverer do his fellows esteem him. 5799He looks upon the great transformations of the world, but he does not see 5800them as they were seen when man looked upon reality for the first time. 5801Their names come to his lips and he smiles as he tastes them, thinking he 5802knows them in the naming. 5803 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light" 5804% 5805"... gentlemen do not read each other's mail." 5806 -- Secretary of State Henry Stimson, on closing down 5807 the Black Chamber, the precursor to the National 5808 Security Agency. 5809% 5810... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror, 5811and you would not have been informed. 5812% 5813/* Haley */ 5814 5815 (Haley's comment.) 5816% 5817"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was 5818supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which 5819actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..." 5820 -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning 5821 Points in l'Amour" 5822% 5823... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with 5824the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls 5825asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ... 5826 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 5827% 5828... if the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does 5829on lust, this would be a better world. 5830 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" 5831% 5832... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a 5833KOSHER DELI!! 5834% 5835**** IMPORTANT **** ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE **** 5836 5837Due to a recent systems overload error your recent disk files have been 5838erased. Therefore, in accordance with the UNIX Basic Manual, University of 5839Washington Geophysics Manual, and Bylaw 9(c), Section XII of the Revised 5840Federal Communications Act, you are being granted Temporary Disk Space, 5841valid for three months from this date, subject to the restrictions set forth 5842in Appendix II of the Federal Communications Handbook (18th edition) as well 5843as the references mentioned herein. You may apply for more disk space at any 5844time. Disk usage in or above the eighth percentile will secure the removal 5845of all restrictions and you will immediately receive your permanent disk 5846space. Disk usage in the sixth or seventh percentile will not effect the 5847validity of your temporary disk space, though its expiration date may be 5848extended for a period of up to three months. A score in the fifth percentile 5849or below will result in the withdrawal of your Temporary Disk space. 5850% 5851... in three to eight years we will have a machine with the general 5852intelligence of an average human being ... The machine will begin 5853to educate itself with fantastic speed. In a few months it will be 5854at genius level and a few months after that its powers will be 5855incalculable ... 5856 -- Marvin Minsky, LIFE Magazine, November 20, 1970 5857% 5858... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves 5859smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is 5860not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery. 5861 -- Stephen Crane 5862% 5863>>> Internal error in fortune program: 5864>>> fnum=2987 n=45 flag=1 goose_level=-232323 5865>>> Please write down these values and notify fortune program administrator. 5866% 5867: is not an identifier 5868% 5869... it is easy to be blinded to the essential uselessness of them by the 5870sense of achievement you get from getting them to work at all. In other 5871words... their fundamental design flaws are completely hidden by their 5872superficial design flaws. 5873 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 5874 on the products of the Sirius Cybernetics Corporation 5875% 5876... it still remains true that as a set of cognitive beliefs about the 5877existence of God in any recognizable sense continuous with the great 5878systems of the past, religious doctrines constitute a speculative 5879hypothesis of an extremely low order of probability. 5880 -- Sidney Hook 5881% 5882... Jesus cried with a loud voice: Lazarus, come forth; the bug hath been 5883found and thy program runneth. And he that was dead came forth... 5884 -- John 11:43-44 5885% 5886"... like, what do they mean when they say 'feminine protection'? 5887What's that? A chartreuse flamethrower?" 5888 -- Opus 5889% 5890... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and 5891legally ... impeccable! 5892% 5893-- Male cadavers are incapable of yielding testimony. 5894-- Individuals who make their abode in vitreous edifices would be well advised 5895 to refrain from catapulting projectiles. 5896-- Neophyte's serendipity. 5897-- Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of hedonistic 5898 diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow. 5899-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no congeries 5900 of small, green bryophytic plant. 5901-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential escalation 5902 of a lucrative nature. 5903-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of fracturing 5904 osseous structure, but appellations will eternally remain innocuous. 5905% 5906** MAXIMUM TERMINALS ACTIVE. TRY AGAIN LATER ** 5907% 5908-- Neophyte's serendipity. 5909-- Exclusive dedication to necessitous chores without interludes of 5910 hedonistic diversion renders John a hebetudinous fellow. 5911-- A revolving concretion of earthy or mineral matter accumulates no 5912 congeries of small, green bryophytic plant. 5913-- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the 5914 optimal cachinnation. 5915-- Abstention from any aleatory undertaking precludes a potential 5916 escalation of a lucrative nature. 5917-- Missiles of ligneous or osteal consistency have the potential of 5918 fracturing osseous structure, but appellations will eternally 5919 remain innocuous. 5920% 5921*** NEWS FLASH *** 5922 5923Archaeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur 5924skeleton! Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive 5925than DEC admits. Price adjustments at 11:00. 5926% 5927... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to 5928get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in 5929the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs 5930on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage 5931children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a 5932snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn 5933to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about 5934a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an 5935outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does 5936he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect 5937Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks 5938Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some 5939kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your 5940children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop 5941quickly. 5942 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 5943% 5944... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you 5945with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday 5946shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday 5947advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a 5948shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take 5949them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up. 5950 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 5951% 5952"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, 5953lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of 5954their C programs." 5955 -- Robert Firth 5956% 5957... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce 5958Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One 5959thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If 5960somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it 5961on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what 5962a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself. 5963 -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!" 5964% 5965... proper attention to Earthly needs of the poor, the depressed and the 5966downtrodden, would naturally evolve from dynamic, articulate, spirited 5967awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect. 5968 -- David Baker, paraphrasing Harold Urey, in 5969 "The History of Manned Space Flight" 5970% 5971-- Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minikin. 5972-- Members of an avian species of identical plumage congregate. 5973-- Surveillance should precede saltation. 5974-- Pulchritude possesses solely cutaneous profundity. 5975-- It is fruitless to become lachrymose over precipitately departed 5976 lacteal fluid. 5977-- Freedom from incrustations of grime is contiguous to rectitude. 5978-- It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated 5979 canine with innovative maneuvers. 5980-- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion. 5981-- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly 5982 galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Fahrenheit. 5983% 5984... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those 5985who wish to tyrannize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent, 5986and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious 5987and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men. 5988 -- Voltarine de Cleyre 5989% 5990... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their 5991procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as 5992to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of 5993sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making 5994documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly 5995listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another 5996documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking, 5997under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the 5998effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply 5999scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White 6000in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of 6001thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and 6002then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very 6003dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all 6004along. 6005 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 6006% 6007***** Special AI Seminar (abstract) 6008 6009It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge 6010in order to perform well in complex domains. But knowledge alone is not 6011sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well. Accordingly, 6012we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call 6013"wisdom engineering". As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a 6014wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought. 6015IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom 6016about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so 6017forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic 6018rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL 6019succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed 6020in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those 6021underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory 6022of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe 6023IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly 6024discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration. 6025% 6026... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that 6027consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune 6028of "Camptown Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to 6029listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it. 6030 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 6031% 6032-- THE BATES MOTEL -- 6033 ... convenient 6034 ... clean 6035 ... cozy 6036 6037 Norman, knock loudly, 6038 I'm in the shower. 6039 6040 M. 6041% 6042"... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ..." 6043 -- Dave Barry 6044% 6045... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!! 6046% 6047... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from 6048other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in 6049charity we can only call "inhuman." 6050 -- R. A. Lafferty 6051% 6052-- The writing implement is more potent than the claymore. 6053-- All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. 6054-- When there are visible vapors having the prevenience in ignited carbonaceous 6055 materials, there is conflagration. 6056-- Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted. 6057-- A plethora of individuals wither expertise in culinary techniques vitiated 6058 the potable concoction produced by steeping certain coupestibles. 6059-- The person presenting the ultimate cachinnation possesses thereby the 6060 optimal cachinnation. 6061-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally. 6062% 6063... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that committee. These guys 6064have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants 6065or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex 6066layers that are going to be agreed upon. 6067 -- Craig Burton of Novell, Network World 6068% 6069... TheysaidDoyouseethebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehill?andIsaidYesIsee 6070thebiggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillTheresabigdarkforestbetweenmeandthe 6071biggreenglowinthedarkhouseuponthehillandalittleoldladyridingonaHoovervacuum 6072cleanersayingIllgetyoumyprettyandyourlittledogTototoo ... 6073 6074 I don't even *HAVE* a dog Toto... 6075% 6076... this is an awesome sight. The entire rebel resistance buried under six 6077million hardbound copies of "The Naked Lunch." 6078 -- The Firesign Theater 6079% 6080... This striving for excellence extends into people's personal lives 6081as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as 6082determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. Eighties people 6083buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking soda. If an '80s 6084couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three 6085weeks in advance, and they are informed that their table is available, 6086they stalk out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent 6087restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous crowd of 6088excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their beepers going 6089off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant wouldn't have 6090a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli. 6091 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 6092% 6093... though his invention worked superbly -- his theory was a crock of sewage 6094from beginning to end. 6095 -- Vernor Vinge, "The Peace War" 6096% 6097 U X 6098e dUdX, e dX, cosine, secant, tangent, sine, 3.14159... 6099% 6100* UNIX is a Trademark of Bell Laboratories. 6101% 6102 VII. Certain bodies can pass through solid walls painted to resemble tunnel 6103 entrances; others cannot. 6104 This trompe l'oeil inconsistency has baffled generations, but at least 6105 it is known that whoever paints an entrance on a wall's surface to 6106 trick an opponent will be unable to pursue him into this theoretical 6107 space. The painter is flattened against the wall when he attempts to 6108 follow into the painting. This is ultimately a problem of art, not 6109 of science. 6110VIII. Any violent rearrangement of feline matter is impermanent. 6111 Cartoon cats possess even more deaths than the traditional nine lives 6112 might comfortably afford. They can be decimated, spliced, splayed, 6113 accordion-pleated, spindled, or disassembled, but they cannot be 6114 destroyed. After a few moments of blinking self pity, they reinflate, 6115 elongate, snap back, or solidify. 6116 IX. For every vengeance there is an equal and opposite revengeance. 6117 This is the one law of animated cartoon motion that also applies to 6118 the physical world at large. For that reason, we need the relief of 6119 watching it happen to a duck instead. 6120 X. Everything falls faster than an anvil. 6121 Examples too numerous to mention from the Roadrunner cartoons. 6122 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 6123% 6124<< WAIT >> 6125% 6126... we must counterpose the overwhelming judgment provided by consistent 6127observations and inferences by the thousands. The earth is billions of 6128years old and its living creatures are linked by ties of evolutionary 6129descent. Scientists stand accused of promoting dogma by so stating, but 6130do we brand people illiberal when they proclaim that the earth is neither 6131flat nor at the center of the universe? Science *has* taught us some 6132things with confidence! Evolution on an ancient earth is as well 6133established as our planet's shape and position. Our continuing struggle 6134to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not 6135cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" -- 6136into doubt. 6137 -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism", 6138 The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2. 6139% 6140... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer 6141has been known to abandon the desktop for the more spacious floor. 6142 -- Frederick Brooks 6143% 6144... which reminds me of the Carrot family: Ma Carrot, Pa Carrot, and Baby 6145Carrot. One fine spring day they decided to go out for a picnic. They all 6146piled into their carrot-mobile and drive out to the country. But Pa Carrot 6147wasn't watching where he was going and alas, he hit an oil slick and skidded 6148right into a tree. Ma and Pa Carrot escaped with a few cuts and bruises, but 6149poor Baby Carrot got broken in two. They frantically rushed him to the 6150hospital and immediately the doctors started operating in a desperate attempt 6151to save Baby Carrot's life. Ma and Pa Carrot were beside themselves with 6152anxiety ... would poor little Baby Carrot make it? 6153 After hours of waiting the doctor finally emerges, bleary-eyed and 6154barely able to walk. 6155 "Is he all right, is he all right?" Pa Carrot frantically stammers. 6156 "Well, I have some good news and some bad news," replies the doctor. 6157 Ma and Pa Carrot look at each other and blurt out, nearly in unison, 6158"The good news first!" 6159 "All right, the good news is that Baby Carrot will live." 6160 "And the bad news? What's the bad news about our Baby Carrot?" 6161The doctor puts his hand on Pa Carrot's shoulder and solemnly looks him in 6162the eye. "Your son will live... but... he'll be a vegetable for the rest of 6163his life." 6164% 6165!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH 6166% 61671: A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane. 61682: An inclined plane is a slope up. 61693: A slow pup is a lazy dog. 6170 6171QED: A sheet of paper is a lazy dog. 6172 -- Willard Espy, "An Almanac of Words at Play" 6173% 6174(1) Office employees will daily sweep the floors, dust the 6175 furniture, shelves, and showcases. 6176(2) Each day fill lamps, clean chimneys, and trim wicks. 6177 Wash the windows once a week. 6178(3) Each clerk will bring a bucket of water and a scuttle of 6179 coal for the day's business. 6180(4) Make your pens carefully. You may whittle nibs to your 6181 individual taste. 6182(5) This office will open at 7 a.m. and close at 8 p.m. except 6183 on the Sabbath, on which day we will remain closed. Each 6184 employee is expected to spend the Sabbath by attending 6185 church and contributing liberally to the cause of the Lord. 6186 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage 6187 Works, 1872 6188% 61891 + 1 = 3, for large values of 1. 6190% 61911. If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't. 61922. If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it. 61933. Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers. 61944. It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline. 61955. Don't lick food from a stranger's beard. 61966. Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you. 61977. Jon Gotti Always has the right of way. 61988. Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs. 61999. Remember: Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails. 620010. The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors". 6201 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips" 6202% 6203(1) Alexander the Great was a great general. 6204(2) Great generals are forewarned. 6205(3) Forewarned is forearmed. 6206(4) Four is an even number. 6207(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. 6208(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. 6209 Therefore, all horses are black. 6210% 6211(1) Alexander the Great was a great general. 6212(2) Great generals are forewarned. 6213(3) Forewarned is forearmed. 6214(4) Four is an even number. 6215(5) Four is certainly an odd number of arms for a man to have. 6216(6) The only number that is both even and odd is infinity. 6217 6218Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms. 6219% 62201. Avoid fried meats which angry up the blood. 62212. If your stomach antagonizes you, pacify it with cool thoughts. 62223. Keep the juices flowing by jangling around gently as you move. 62234. Go very lightly on the vices, such as carrying on in society, as 6224 the social ramble ain't restful. 62255. Avoid running at all times. 62266. Don't look back, something might be gaining on you. 6227 -- S. Paige, c. 1951 6228% 62291 Billion dollars of budget deficit = 1 Gramm-Rudman 62306.023 x 10 to the 23rd power alligator pears = Avocado's number 62312 pints = 1 Cavort 6232Basic unit of Laryngitis = The Hoarsepower 6233Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line 62346 Curses = 1 Hexahex 62353500 Calories = 1 Food Pound 62361 Mole = 007 Secret Agents 62371 Mole = 25 Cagey Bees 62381 Dog Pound = 16 oz. of Alpo 62391000 beers served at a Twins game = 1 Killibrew 62402.4 statute miles of surgical tubing at Yale U. = 1 I.V.League 62412000 pounds of Chinese soup = 1 Won Ton 624210 to the minus 6th power mouthwashes = 1 Microscope 6243Speed of a tortoise breaking the sound barrier = 1 Machturtle 62448 Catfish = 1 Octo-puss 6245365 Days of drinking Lo-Cal beer. = 1 Lite-year 624616.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling 6247Force needed to accelerate 2.2lbs of cookies = 1 Fig-newton 6248 to 1 meter per second 6249One half large intestine = 1 Semicolon 625010 to the minus 6th power Movie = 1 Microfilm 62511000 pains = 1 Megahertz 62521 Word = 1 Millipicture 62531 Sagan = Billions & Billions 62541 Angstrom: measure of computer anxiety = 1000 nail-bytes 625510 to the 12th power microphones = 1 Megaphone 625610 to the 6th power Bicycles = 2 megacycles 6257The amount of beauty required launch 1 ship = 1 Millihelen 6258% 62591 bulls, 3 cows. 6260% 6261(1) Everything depends. 6262(2) Nothing is always. 6263(3) Everything is sometimes. 6264% 62651) Never draw what you can copy. 62662) Never copy what you can trace. 62673) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. 6268% 62691. Never give anything away for nothing. 2. Never give more than 6270you have to (always catch the buyer hungry and always make him wait). 62713. Always take back everything if you possibly can. 6272 -- William S. Burroughs, on drug pushing 6273% 62741: No code table for op: ++post 6275% 62761) X=Y ; Given 62772) X^2=XY ; Multiply both sides by X 62783) X^2-Y^2=XY-Y^2 ; Subtract Y^2 from both sides 62794) (X+Y)(X-Y)=Y(X-Y) ; Factor 62805) X+Y=Y ; Cancel out (X-Y) term 62816) 2Y=Y ; Substitute X for Y, by equation 1 62827) 2=1 ; Divide both sides by Y 6283 -- "Omni", proof that 2 equals 1 6284% 628510. Not everybody looks good naked. 6286 9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee. 6287 8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee. 6288 7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe! 6289 6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na Na. 6290 5. Never attend an event with a 50,000 to 1 person to Port-A-San ratio. 6291 4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style. 6292 3. A drum solo cannot be too long. 6293 2. I, David Letterman, will never rent out my farm again. 6294 1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid to 6295 future generations. 6296 -- David Letterman, "Top Ten Lessons of Woodstock" 6297% 629810 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: 6299 6300 1. A beer won't make you go to church. 6301 2. A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a woman. 6302 3. A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys spit. 6303 4. A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of 6304 other beers on the side. 6305 5. A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "Doberman" instead of 6306 "Doberperson". 6307 6. A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of lesbian 6308 folk music on yer fave radio station. 6309 7. A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny. 6310 8. A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the 6311 toilet seat up. 6312 9. A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8" is an 6313 enormous can of vegetable juice. 631410. A beer won't smoke in your car. 6315% 6316100 buckets of bits on the bus 6317100 buckets of bits 6318Take one down, short it to ground 6319FF buckets of bits on the bus 6320 6321FF buckets of bits on the bus 6322FF buckets of bits 6323Take one down, short it to ground 6324FE buckets of bits on the bus 6325 6326ad infinitum... 6327% 6328$100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at 6329which time it will be worth absolutely nothing. 6330 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 6331% 6332$100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded quarterly for 200 years will 6333increase to more than $100,000,000 -- by which time it will be worth nothing. 6334 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" 6335% 633610.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0. 6337% 6338101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR 6339 (1) Scarecrow for centipedes 6340 (2) Dead cat brush 6341 (3) Hair barrettes 6342 (4) Cleats 6343 (5) Self-piercing earrings 6344 (6) Fungus trellis 6345 (7) False eyelashes 6346 (8) Prosthetic dog claws 6347 . 6348 . 6349 . 6350 (99) Window garden harrow (pulled behind Tonka tractors) 6351 (100) Killer velcro 6352 (101) Currency 6353% 63541/2 oz. gin 63551/2 oz. vodka 63561/2 oz. rum (preferably dark) 63573/4 oz. tequila 63581/2 oz. triple sec 63591/2 oz. orange juice 63603/4 oz. sour mix 63611/2 oz. cola 6362shake with ice and strain into frosted glass. 6363 Long Island Iced Tea 6364% 636513. ... r-q1 6366% 63671.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's 6368the law! 6369% 637017th Rule of Friendship: 6371 6372A friend will refrain from telling you he picked up the same amount 6373of life insurance coverage you did for half the price when yours is 6374noncancellable. 6375 -- Esquire, May 1977 6376% 6377186,282 miles per second: 6378 6379It isn't just a good idea, it's the law! 6380% 63811893 The ideal brain tonic 63821900 Drink Coca-Cola -- delicious and refreshing -- 5 cents at all 6383 soda fountains 63841905 Is the favorite drink for LADIES when thirsty -- weary -- despondent 63851905 Refreshes the weary, brightens the intellect and clears the brain 63861906 The drink of QUALITY 63871907 Good to the last drop 63881907 It satisfies the thirst and pleases the palate 63891907 Refreshing as a summer breeze. Delightful as a Dip in the Sea 63901908 The Drink that Cheers but does not inebriate 63911917 There's a delicious freshness to the taste of Coca-Cola 63921919 It satisfies thirst 63931919 The taste is the test 63941922 Every glass holds the answer to thirst 63951922 Thirst knows no season 63961925 Enjoy the sociable drink 6397 -- Coca-Cola slogans 6398% 63991925 With a drink so good, 'tis folly to be thirsty 64001929 The high sign of refreshment 64011929 The pause that refreshes 64021930 It had to be good to get where it is 64031932 The drink that makes a pause refreshing 64041935 The pause that brings friends together 64051937 STOP for a pause... GO refreshed 64061938 The best friend thirst ever had 64071939 Thirst stops here 64081942 It's the real thing 64091947 Have a Coke 64101961 Zing! what a REFRESHING NEW FEELING 64111963 Things go better with Coke 64121969 Face Uncle Sam with a Coke in your hand 64131979 Have a Coke and a smile 64141982 Coke is it! 6415 -- Coca-Cola slogans 6416% 64171st graffitiest: QUESTION AUTHORITY! 6418 64192nd graffitiest: Why? 6420% 64212180, U.S. History question: 6422 What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what 6423office did he later hold? 6424% 64253 syncs represent the trinity -- init, the child and the eternal zombie 6426process. In doing 3, you're paying homage to each and I think such 6427traditions are important in this shallow, mercurial business we find 6428ourselves in. 6429 -- Jordan K. Hubbard 6430% 6431$3,000,000 6432% 6433355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible 6434simulation! 6435% 64363M, under the Scotch brand name, manufactures a fine adhesive for art 6437and display work. This product is called "Craft Mount". 3M suggests 6438that to obtain the best results, one should make the bond "while the 6439adhesive is wet, aggressively tacky." I did not know what "aggressively 6440tacky" meant until I read today's fortune. 6441 6442 [And who said we didn't offer equal time, huh? Ed.] 6443% 644440 isn't old. If you're a tree. 6445% 64464.2 BSD UNIX #57: Sun Jun 1 23:02:07 EDT 1986 6447 6448You swing at the Sun. You miss. The Sun swings. He hits you with a 6449575MB disk! You read the 575MB disk. It is written in an alien 6450tongue and cannot be read by your tired Sun-2 eyes. You throw the 6451575MB disk at the Sun. You hit! The Sun must repair your eyes. The 6452Sun reads a scroll. He hits your 130MB disk! He has defeated the 6453130MB disk! The Sun reads a scroll. He hits your Ethernet board! He 6454has defeated your Ethernet board! You read a scroll of "postpone until 6455Monday at 9 AM". Everything goes dark... 6456 -- /etc/motd, cbosgd 6457% 645843rd Law of Computing: 6459 Anything that can go wr 6460fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped 6461% 6462(6) Men employees will be given time off each week for courting 6463 purposes, or two evenings a week if they go regularly to church. 6464(7) After an employee has spent his thirteen hours of labor in the 6465 office, he should spend the remaining time reading the Bible 6466 and other good books. 6467(8) Every employee should lay aside from each pay packet a goodly 6468 sum of his earnings for his benefit during his declining years, 6469 so that he will not become a burden on society or his betters. 6470(9) Any employee who smokes Spanish cigars, uses alcoholic drink 6471 in any form, frequents pool tables and public halls, or gets 6472 shaved in a barber's shop, will give me good reason to suspect 6473 his worth, intentions, integrity and honesty. 6474(10) The employee who has performed his labours faithfully and 6475 without a fault for five years, will be given an increase of 6476 five cents per day in his pay, providing profits from the 6477 business permit it. 6478 -- "Office Worker's Guide", New England Carriage 6479 Works, 1872 6480% 64816 oz. orange juice 64821 oz. vodka 64831/2 oz. Galliano 6484 Harvey Wallbangers 6485% 64867:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 6487 The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National 6488 Redwood Forest. 6489% 64907:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) 6491 The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the 6492 Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus. 6493% 649477. HO HUM -- The Redundant 6495 6496------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme 6497--- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife 6498------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working 6499---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop the 6500---X--- (9) GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates to 6501--- --- (8) nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex. 6502 6503Nine in the second place means: 6504 The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune. 6505 6506Six in the third place means: 6507 In former times men built altars to honor the Internal Revenue 6508 Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble! 6509% 651090% of the work takes 90% of the time. 6511The remaining 10% takes the other 90% of the time. 6512% 651394% of the women in America are beautiful 6514and the rest hang out around here. 6515% 651699 blocks of crud on the disk, 651799 blocks of crud! 6518You patch a bug, and dump it again: 6519100 blocks of crud on the disk! 6520 6521100 blocks of crud on the disk, 6522100 blocks of crud! 6523You patch a bug, and dump it again: 6524101 blocks of crud on the disk! 6525% 6526A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice 6527at one end and no responsibility at the other. 6528% 6529A baby is God's opinion that the world should go on. 6530 -- Carl Sandburg 6531% 6532A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once. 6533% 6534A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy 6535who has cheated some woman out of a divorce. 6536 -- Don Quinn 6537% 6538A bachelor is an unaltared male. 6539% 6540A bachelor never quite gets over the idea that he is a thing of beauty 6541and a boy for ever. 6542 -- Helen Rowland 6543% 6544A bad marriage is like a horse with a broken leg, you can shoot 6545the horse, but it don't fix the leg. 6546% 6547A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and 6548ask for it back the when it begins to rain. 6549 -- Robert Frost 6550% 6551A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining 6552and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. 6553 -- Mark Twain 6554% 6555A beautiful woman is a blessing from Heaven, but a good cigar is a smoke. 6556 -- Kipling 6557% 6558A beautiful woman is a picture which drives all beholders nobly mad. 6559 -- Emerson 6560% 6561A beer delayed is a beer denied. 6562% 6563A beginning is the time for taking the 6564most delicate care that balances are correct. 6565 -- Princess Irulan, "Manual of Maud'Dib" 6566% 6567A billion here, a billion there -- pretty soon it adds up to real money. 6568 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen, on the U.S. defense budget 6569% 6570A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president. 6571A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ. 6572A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth. 6573A billion dollars ago was late yesterday afternoon at the U.S. Treasury. 6574% 6575A biologist, a statistician, a mathematician and a computer scientist are on 6576a photo-safari in Africa. As they're driving along the savannah in their 6577jeep, they stop and scout the horizon with their binoculars. 6578 6579The biologist: "Look! A herd of zebras! And there's a white zebra! 6580 Fantastic! We'll be famous!" 6581The statistician: "Hey, calm down, it's not significant. We only know 6582 there's one white zebra." 6583The mathematician: "Actually, we only know there exists a zebra, which is 6584 white on one side." 6585The computer scientist : "Oh, no! A special case!" 6586% 6587A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him. 6588% 6589A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. 6590 -- Cervantes 6591% 6592A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring. 6593% 6594A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose. 6595% 6596A bit of talcum 6597Is always walcum 6598 -- Ogden Nash 6599% 6600A black cat crossing your path signifies 6601that the animal is going somewhere. 6602 -- Groucho Marx 6603% 6604A book is the work of a mind, doing its work in the way that a mind deems 6605best. That's dangerous. Is the work of some mere individual mind likely to 6606serve the aims of collectively accepted compromises, which are known in the 6607schools as 'standards'? Any mind that would audaciously put itself forth to 6608work all alone is surely a bad example for the students, and probably, if 6609not downright antisocial, at least a little off-center, self-indulgent, 6610elitist. ... It's just good pedagogy, therefore, to stay away from such 6611stuff, and use instead, if film-strips and rap-sessions must be 6612supplemented, 'texts,' selected, or prepared, or adapted, by real 6613professionals. Those texts are called 'reading material.' They are the 6614academic equivalent of the 'listening material' that fills waiting-rooms, 6615and the 'eating material' that you can buy in thousands of convenient eating 6616resource centers along the roads. 6617 -- The Underground Grammarian 6618% 6619A bore is a man who talks so much about 6620himself that you can't talk about yourself. 6621% 6622A bore is someone who persists in holding his 6623own views after we have enlightened him with ours. 6624% 6625A boss with no humor is like a job that's no fun. 6626% 6627A box without hinges, key, or lid, 6628Yet golden treasure inside is hid. 6629 -- J. R. R. Tolkien 6630% 6631A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance 6632of turning around three times before lying down. 6633 -- Robert Benchley 6634% 6635A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed. 6636 -- John Steinbeck 6637% 6638A budget is just a method of worrying 6639before you spend money, as well as afterward. 6640% 6641A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation. 6642% 6643A bug in the hand is better than one as yet undetected. 6644% 6645A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by 6646hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to the West. They 6647drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and 6648found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens 6649got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an 6650experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft. 6651 He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens 6652got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's 6653friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!" 6654 The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple 6655pole in a complex plane." 6656% 6657A bunch of the boys were whooping it in the Malemute saloon; 6658The kid that handles the music box was hitting a jag-time tune; 6659Back of the bar, in a solo game, sat Dangerous Dan McGrew, 6660And watching his luck was his light-o'-love, the lady that's known as Lou. 6661 -- Robert W. Service 6662% 6663A bureaucrat's idea of cleaning up his files 6664is to make a copy of everything before he destroys it. 6665% 6666A businessman is a hybrid of a dancer and a calculator. 6667 -- Paul Valery 6668% 6669"A can of ASPARAGUS, 73 pigeons, some LIVE ammo, and a FROZEN DAIQUIRI!!" 6670 -- Zippy the Pinhead 6671% 6672A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich 6673and votes from the poor to protect them from each other. 6674% 6675A cannibal warrior is experiencing severe gastric distress, so he goes 6676to his Village Witch Doctor with his complaint. The VWD examines him 6677and, concluding that something he ate disagreed with him, began to cross 6678examine him about his recent diet. 6679 "Well, I ate a missionary yesterday. Do you think that could be 6680the problem?" 6681 The VWD says "Hmmmm." (All doctors say "Hmmmm.") "That could be. 6682Tell me a bit about this missionary." 6683 "Well, he was tall for a white man, wearing a brown robe. He was 6684walking down the trail, not watching for danger, so I speared him, dragged 6685him home, cleaned him, boiled him and ate him." 6686 "Ah-hah!" (All doctors say "Ah-hah!") There's your problem," smiles 6687the VWD. You boiled him, but he was a friar!" 6688% 6689A career is great, but you can't run your fingers through its hair. 6690% 6691A castaway was washed ashore after many days on the open sea. The island 6692on which he landed was populated by savage cannibals who tied him, dazed 6693and exhausted, to a thick stake. They then proceeded to cut his arms 6694with their spears and drink his blood. This continued for several days 6695until the castaway could stand no more. He yelled for the cannibal chief 6696and declared, "You can kill me if you want to, but this torture with the 6697spears has got to stop. Dammit, I'm tired of getting stuck for the drinks." 6698% 6699A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows that faith 6700does not prove anything. 6701 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 6702% 6703A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness. 6704% 6705A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance. 6706Kites rise against the wind, not with it. 6707% 6708A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who 6709had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether 6710various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue 6711invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake, 6712and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and 6713asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop 6714between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex 6715string which he proffered wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk 6716was enlightened. 6717 6718From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after 6719string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples, 6720who passed it on to theirs. 6721% 6722A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some 6723time, subsisting on scraps and occasional handouts from the bartender. One 6724evening, emboldened by hunger, the feline attempted to follow Gabe through 6725the back door. Regrettably, only the his body had made it through when 6726the door slammed shut, severing the cat's tail at its base. This proved too 6727much for the old creature, who looked sadly at Gabe and expired on the spot. 6728 Gabe put the carcass back out in the alley and went back to business. 6729The mandatory closing time arrived and Gabe was in the process of locking up 6730after the last customers had gone. Approaching the back door he was startled 6731to see an apparition of the old cat mournfully holding its severed tail out, 6732silently pleading for Gabe to put the tail back on its corpse so that it could 6733go on to the kitty afterworld complete. 6734 Gabe shook his head sadly and said to the ghost, "I can't. You know 6735the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM." 6736% 6737A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed 6738a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke 6739with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked 6740in as Mr. and Mrs. 6741 After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front 6742desk and told the clerk he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was handed 6743a bill for $2500. 6744 "There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for 6745only three days." 6746 "Yes, sir," the clerk replied. "But your wife has been here a month 6747and a half." 6748% 6749A chicken is an egg's way of producing more eggs. 6750% 6751A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not 6752mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty 6753trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators. 6754 -- Dave Barry 6755% 6756A child of five could understand this! Fetch me a child of five. 6757% 6758A chronic disposition to inquiry 6759deprives domestic felines of vital qualities. 6760% 6761A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit 6762will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie. 6763% 6764A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but 6765won't cross the street to vote in a national election. 6766 -- Bill Vaughan 6767% 6768A city is a large community where people are lonesome together. 6769 -- Herbert Prochnow 6770% 6771A clash of doctrine is not a disaster - it is an opportunity. 6772% 6773A classic is something that everybody wants to have read and nobody 6774wants to read. 6775 -- Mark Twain quoting Professor Winchester, 6776 "The Disappearance of Literature" 6777% 6778A clever prophet makes sure of the event first. 6779% 6780A closed mouth gathers no foot. 6781% 6782A cloud does not know why it moves in just such a direction and at such 6783a speed, if feels an impulsion... this is the place to go now. But the 6784sky knows the reasons and the patterns behind all clouds, and you will 6785know, too, when you lift yourself high enough to see beyond horizons. 6786 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul 6787% 6788A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: 6789 67901. DO NOT EXPECT YOUR DOCTOR TO SHARE YOUR DISCOMFORT. 6791 Involvement with the patient's suffering might cause him to lose 6792 valuable scientific objectivity. 6793 67942. BE CHEERFUL AT ALL TIMES. 6795 Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the 6796 gentleness and reassurance he can get. 6797 67983. TRY TO SUFFER FROM THE DISEASE FOR WHICH YOU ARE BEING TREATED. 6799 Remember that your doctor has a professional reputation to uphold. 6800% 6801A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: 6802 68034. DO NOT COMPLAIN IF THE TREATMENT FAILS TO BRING RELIEF. 6804 You must believe that your doctor has achieved a deep insight into 6805 the true nature of your illness, which transcends any mere permanent 6806 disability you may have experienced. 6807 68085. NEVER ASK YOUR DOCTOR TO EXPLAIN WHAT HE IS DOING OR WHY HE IS DOING IT. 6809 It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be 6810 explained in terms that you would understand. 6811 68126. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY. 6813 Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting 6814 research paper will surely be of widespread interest. 6815% 6816A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS: 6817 68187. PAY YOUR MEDICAL BILLS PROMPTLY AND WILLINGLY. 6819 You should consider it a privilege to contribute, however modestly, 6820 to the well-being of physicians and other humanitarians. 6821 68228. DO NOT SUFFER FROM AILMENTS THAT YOU CANNOT AFFORD. 6823 It is sheer arrogance to contract illnesses that are beyond your means. 6824 68259. NEVER REVEAL ANY OF THE SHORTCOMINGS THAT HAVE COME TO LIGHT IN THE COURSE 6826 OF TREATMENT BY YOUR DOCTOR. 6827 The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a 6828 sacred duty to protect him from exposure. 6829 683010. NEVER DIE WHILE IN YOUR DOCTOR'S PRESENCE OR UNDER HIS DIRECT CARE. 6831 This will only cause him needless inconvenience and embarrassment. 6832% 6833A Code of Honour: never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief 6834as your goal. There are too many women in the world to justify that sort of 6835dishonourable behaviour. Unless she's really attractive. 6836 -- Bruce J. Friedman, "Sex and the Lonely Guy" 6837% 6838A committee is a group that keeps the minutes and loses hours. 6839 -- Milton Berle 6840% 6841A committee is a life form with six or more legs and no brain. 6842 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" 6843% 6844A committee takes root and grows, it flowers, wilts and dies, 6845scattering the seed from which other committees will bloom. 6846 -- Parkinson 6847% 6848A commune is where people join together to share their lack of wealth. 6849 -- R. Stallman 6850% 6851A company is known by the men it keeps. 6852% 6853A complex system that works is invariably 6854found to have evolved from a simple system that works. 6855% 6856A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil. 6857 -- Victor Hugo 6858% 6859[A computer is] like an Old Testament god, with a lot of rules and no mercy. 6860 -- Joseph Campbell 6861% 6862A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention, 6863with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila. 6864 -- Mitch Ratcliffe 6865% 6866A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling 6867the president one of the latest talking computers. 6868Salesman: "This machine knows everything. I can ask it any question 6869 and it'll give the correct answer. Computer, what is the 6870 speed of light?" 6871Computer: 186,000 miles per second. 6872Salesman: "Who was the first president of the United States?" 6873Computer: George Washington. 6874President: "I'm still not convinced. Let me ask a question. 6875 Where is my father?" 6876Computer: Your father is fishing in Georgia. 6877President: "Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty 6878 years ago!" 6879Computer: Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just 6880 landed a twelve pound bass. 6881% 6882A computer science student and a practical hacker are discussing problems 6883the computer science student has run into. 6884 6885CS Student: I have this singularly linked tail-queued list and I'm trying 6886 to make it O(1) to go backwards an item, instead of O(n)... 6887 What's the best way to go about that? Should I just use a 6888 cached hash of each item and put it into a sorted lookup 6889 table, and cache the hash of the last item in the current 6890 queue entry and then go to its place in the hash table and 6891 get the pointer value from there? 6892Hacker: No, you should add an item to the structure named 'prev' and 6893 make it point to the previous item. 6894CS Student: But we already have a structure element with that identifier 6895 and structure elements must have unique names within that 6896 scope! 6897Hacker: So call it 'previous'. 6898 6899And then the CS Student was enlightened. 6900% 6901A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken. 6902% 6903A computer, to print out a fact, 6904Will divide, multiply, and subtract. 6905 But this output can be 6906 No more than debris, 6907If the input was short of exact. 6908 -- Gigo 6909% 6910A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate 6911cake without ketchup and mustard. 6912% 6913A conclusion is simply the place where someone got tired of thinking. 6914% 6915A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can 6916do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done. 6917 -- Fred Allen 6918% 6919A CONS is an object which cares. 6920 -- Bernie Greenberg 6921% 6922A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run. 6923 -- Elbert Hubbard 6924% 6925A consultant is a person who borrows your watch, tells you what time it 6926is, pockets the watch, and sends you a bill for it. 6927% 6928A continuing flow of paper is sufficient to continue the flow of paper. 6929 -- Dyer 6930% 6931A copy of the universe is not what is required of art; one of the 6932damned things is ample. 6933 -- Rebecca West 6934% 6935A couch is as good as a chair. 6936% 6937A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. 6938 -- Ben Franklin 6939% 6940A couple of young fellers were fishing at their special pond off the 6941beaten track when out of the bushes jumped the Game Warden. Immediately, 6942one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods 6943like the proverbial bat out of hell, and hot on his heels ran the Game 6944Warden. After about a half mile the fella stopped and stooped over with 6945his hands on his thighs, whooping and heaving to catch his breath as the 6946Game Warden finally caught up to him. 6947 "Let's see yer fishin' license, boy," the Warden gasped. The 6948man pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing 6949license. 6950 "Well, son", snarled the Game Warden, "You must be about as dumb 6951as a box of rocks! You didn't have to run if you have a license!" 6952 "Yes, sir," replied his victim, "but, well, see, my friend back 6953there, he don't have one!" 6954% 6955A cousin of mine once said about money, 6956money is always there but the pockets change; 6957it is not in the same pockets after a change, 6958and that is all there is to say about money. 6959 -- Gertrude Stein 6960% 6961A cow is a completely automated milk-manufacturing machine. It is encased 6962in untanned leather and mounted on four vertical, movable supports, one at 6963each corner. The front end of the machine, or input, contains the cutting 6964and grinding mechanism, utilizing a unique feedback device. Here also are 6965the headlights, air inlet and exhaust, a bumper and a foghorn. 6966 At the rear, the machine carries the milk-dispensing equipment as 6967well as a built-in flyswatter and insect repeller. The central portion 6968houses a hydro- chemical-conversion unit. Briefly, this consists of four 6969fermentation and storage tanks connected in series by an intricate network 6970of flexible plumbing. This assembly also contains the central heating plant 6971complete with automatic temperature controls, pumping station and main 6972ventilating system. The waste disposal apparatus is located to the rear of 6973this central section. 6974 Cows are available fully-assembled in an assortment of sizes and 6975colors. Production output ranges from 2 to 20 tons of milk per year. In 6976brief, the main external visible features of the cow are: two lookers, two 6977hookers, four stander-uppers, four hanger-downers, and a swishy-wishy. 6978% 6979A critic is a bundle of biases held loosely together by a sense of taste. 6980 -- Whitney Balliett 6981% 6982A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby feels 6983qualified to judge the work of creative men. There is logic 6984in this; he is unbiased -- he hates all creative people equally. 6985% 6986A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison 6987And had an affair with a Saracen. 6988 She was not oversexed, 6989 Or jealous or vexed, 6990She just wanted to make a comparison. 6991% 6992A cynic is a person searching for an honest man, with a stolen 6993lantern. 6994 -- Edgar A. Shoaff 6995% 6996A day for firm decisions!!!!! Or is it? 6997% 6998A day without orange juice is like a day without orange juice. 6999% 7000A day without sunshine is like a day without Anita Bryant. 7001% 7002A day without sunshine is like a day without orange juice. 7003% 7004A day without sunshine is like night. 7005% 7006A dead man cannot bite. 7007 -- Gnaeus Pompeius (Pompey) 7008% 7009A debugged program is one for which you have 7010not yet found the conditions that make it fail. 7011 -- Jerry Ogdin 7012% 7013A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their" 7014Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans. It is not a matter of 7015their training or their equipment. It has to do with the quality of the 7016society we are asking them to risk death defending. The metaphor of the 7017domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness 7018is high. San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich. 7019 -- William LeoGrande, "New York Times", 3/9/83 7020% 7021A Difficulty for Every Solution. 7022 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service 7023% 7024A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a fur 7025coat. 7026% 7027A diplomat is a man who can tell you to 7028go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable. 7029 -- Samuel Clemens 7030% 7031A diplomat is a person who can tell you to go to hell 7032in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip. 7033 -- Caskie Stinnett, "Out of the Red" 7034% 7035A diplomat is man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never her age. 7036 -- Robert Frost 7037% 7038A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that 7039you will look forward to the trip. 7040% 7041A diplomatic husband said to his wife, "How do you expect me to remember 7042your birthday when you never look any older?" 7043% 7044A diplomat's life consists of three things: protocol, Geritol, and alcohol. 7045 -- Adlai Stevenson 7046% 7047A distraught patient phoned her doctor's office. "Was it true," the woman 7048inquired, "that the medication the doctor had prescribed was for the rest 7049of her life?" 7050 She was told that it was. There was just a moment of silence before 7051the woman proceeded bravely on. "Well, I'm wondering, then, how serious my 7052condition is. This prescription is marked `NO REFILLS'". 7053% 7054A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano. 7055% 7056A doctor calls his patient to give him the results of his tests. "I have 7057some bad news," says the doctor, "and some worse news." The bad news is 7058that you only have six weeks to live." 7059 "Oh, no," says the patient. "What could possibly be worse than 7060that?" 7061 "Well," the doctor replies, "I've been trying to reach you since 7062last Monday." 7063% 7064A doctor was stranded with a lawyer in a leaky life raft in shark-infested 7065waters. The doctor tried to swim ashore but was eaten by the sharks. The 7066lawyer, however, swam safely past the bloodthirsty sharks. "Professional 7067courtesy," he explained. 7068% 7069A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of. 7070 -- Ogden Nash 7071% 7072A dozen, a gross, and a score, 7073Plus three times the square root of four, 7074 Divided by seven, 7075 Plus five times eleven, 7076Equals nine squared plus zero, no more. 7077% 7078A drama critic is a person who surprises a playwright by informing him 7079what he meant. 7080 -- Wilson Mizner 7081% 7082A dream will always triumph over reality, once it is given the chance. 7083 -- Stanislaw Lem 7084% 7085A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city subscribed to 7086a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury was asked to donate 7087a shilling. "Only a shilling?" exclaimed the man. "Only a shilling to bury 7088an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury twenty of them." 7089% 7090A fail-safe circuit will destroy others. 7091 -- Klipstein 7092% 7093A failure will not appear until a unit has passed final inspection. 7094% 7095A fair exterior is a silent recommendation. 7096 -- Publilius Syrus 7097% 7098A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an authentic soothsayer 7099should be shot on sight. Cassandra did not get half the kicking around 7100she deserved. 7101 -- Robert A. Heinlein 7102% 7103A famous Lisp Hacker noticed an Undergraduate sitting in front of a 7104Xerox 1108, trying to edit a complex Klone network via a browser. 7105Wanting to help, the Hacker clicked one of the nodes in the network 7106with the mouse, and asked "what do you see?" Very earnestly, the 7107Undergraduate replied "I see a cursor." The Hacker then quickly 7108pressed the boot toggle at the back of the keyboard, while 7109simultaneously hitting the Undergraduate over the head with a thick 7110Interlisp Manual. The Undergraduate was then Enlightened. 7111% 7112A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the 7113subject. 7114 -- Winston Churchill 7115% 7116A farmer is a man outstanding in his field. 7117% 7118A feed salesman is on his way to a farm. As he's driving along at forty 7119m.p.h., he looks out his car window and sees a three-legged chicken running 7120alongside him, keeping pace with his car. He is amazed that a chicken is 7121running at forty m.p.h. So he speeds up to forty-five, fifty, then sixty 7122m.p.h. The chicken keeps right up with him the whole way, then suddenly 7123takes off and disappears into the distance. 7124 The man pulls into the farmyard and says to the farmer, "You know, 7125the strangest thing just happened to me; I was driving along at at least 7126sixty miles an hour and a chicken passed me like I was standing still!" 7127 "Yeah," the farmer replies, "that chicken was ours. You see, there's 7128me, and there's Ma, and there's our son Billy. Whenever we had chicken for 7129dinner, we would all want a drumstick, so we'd have to kill two chickens. 7130So we decided to try and breed a three-legged chicken so each of us could 7131have a drumstick." 7132 "How do they taste?" said the farmer. 7133 "Don't know," replied the farmer. "We haven't been able to catch 7134one yet." 7135% 7136A fellow bought a new car, a Nissan, and was quite happy with his purchase. 7137He was something of an animist, however, and felt that the car really ought 7138to have a name. This presented a problem, as he was not sure if the name 7139should be masculine or feminine. 7140 After considerable thought, he settled on naming the car either 7141Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice. 7142 "Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of 7143them looked at him peculiarly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and 7144went on their way rather quickly. 7145 He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black 7146belt in judo. She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine." 7147 The swiftness of her response puzzled him. "You're sure of that?" he 7148asked. 7149 "Certainly," she replied. "They wouldn't sell very well if they were 7150masculine." 7151 "Unhhh... Well, why not?" 7152 "Because people want a car with a reputation for going when you want 7153it to. And, if Nissan's are female, it's like they say... `Each Nissan, she 7154go!'" 7155 7156 [No, we WON'T explain it; go ask someone who practices an oriental 7157 martial art. (Tai Chi Chuan probably doesn't count.) Ed.] 7158% 7159A few hours grace before the madness begins again. 7160% 7161A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles. 7162% 7163A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation. He rented a boat, 7164rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked 7165down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying 7166on the bottom of the lake. He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police 7167station. "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains, 7168drowned in the lake!" 7169 "Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal 7170more chain than he can swim with?" 7171% 7172A fitter fits; Though sinners sin 7173A cutter cuts; And thinners thin 7174And an aircraft spotter spots; And paper-blotters blot 7175A baby-sitter I've never yet 7176Baby-sits -- Had letters let 7177But an otter never ots. Or seen an otter ot. 7178 7179A batter bats 7180(Or scatters scats); 7181A potting shed's for potting; 7182But no one's found 7183A bounder bound 7184Or caught an otter otting. 7185 -- Ralph Lewin 7186% 7187A flashy Mercedes-Benz roared up to the curb where a cute young miss stood 7188waiting for a taxi. 7189 "Hi," said the gentleman at the wheel. "I'm going west." 7190 "How wonderful," came the cool reply. "Bring me back an orange." 7191% 7192A fool and his honey are soon parted. 7193% 7194A fool and his money are soon popular. 7195% 7196A fool and your money are soon partners. 7197% 7198A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity. 7199A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes. 7200% 7201A fool must now and then be right by chance. 7202% 7203A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds. 7204 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 7205% 7206A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block 7207of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an 7208elephant. 7209% 7210A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into 7211superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education. 7212 -- George Bernard Shaw 7213% 7214A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used. 7215 -- D. Gries 7216% 7217A Fortran compiler is the hobgoblin of little minis. 7218% 7219A fox is wolf who sends flowers. 7220 -- Ruth Weston 7221% 7222"A fractal is by definition a set for which the Hausdorff Besicovitch 7223dimension strictly exceeds the topological dimension." 7224 -- Mandelbrot, "The Fractal Geometry of Nature" 7225% 7226A free society is one where it is safe to be unpopular. 7227 -- Adlai Stevenson 7228% 7229A freelancer is one who gets paid by the word -- per piece or perhaps. 7230 -- Robert Benchley 7231% 7232A friend in need is a pest indeed. 7233% 7234A friend is a present you give yourself. 7235 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 7236% 7237A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture. You don't have to go. 7238You'll just be walking down the street and... Ooohh, that's much better. 7239 -- Steven Wright 7240% 7241A friend of mine won't get a divorce, because he hates 7242lawyers more than he hates his wife. 7243% 7244A full belly makes a dull brain. 7245 -- Benjamin Franklin 7246 7247 [and the local candy machine man. Ed] 7248% 7249A "full" life in my experience is usually full only of other 7250people's demands. 7251% 7252A furore Normanorum libera nos, O Domine! 7253% 7254A Galileo could no more be elected president of the United States than 7255he could be elected Pope of Rome. Both high posts are reserved for men 7256favored by God with an extraordinary genius for swathing the bitter 7257facts of life in bandages of self-illusion. 7258 -- H. L. Mencken 7259% 7260A gambler's biggest thrill is winning a bet. 7261His next biggest thrill is losing a bet. 7262% 7263A gangster assembled an engineer, a chemist, and a physicist. He explained 7264that he was entering a horse in a race the following week and the three 7265assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster's horse would win. 7266They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they 7267each propose to ensure a win. When they reconvened the gangster started with 7268the engineer: 7269 7270Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got? 7271Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle 7272 blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide 7273 electrical shock to the horse. 7274G: That's very good! But let's hear from the chemist. 7275Chemist: I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that dissolves 7276 into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore 7277 cannot be detected in post-race tests. 7278G: Excellent, excellent! But I want to hear from the physicist before 7279 I decide what to do. Physicist? 7280 7281Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion... 7282% 7283A general leading the State Department resembles a dragon commanding 7284ducks. 7285 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 7286% 7287A gentleman is a man who wouldn't hit a lady with his hat on. 7288 -- Evan Esar 7289 [ And why not? For why does she have his hat on? Ed.] 7290% 7291A gentleman never strikes a lady with his hat on. 7292 -- Fred Allen 7293% 7294A gift of a flower will soon be made to you. 7295% 7296A girl and a boy bump into each other -- surely an accident. 7297A girl and a boy bump and her handkerchief drops -- surely another accident. 7298But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *____that ___had __to ____mean _________something*. 7299 -- S. Morgenstern, "The Silent Gondoliers" 7300% 7301A girl with a future avoids the man with a past. 7302 -- Evan Esar, "The Humor of Humor" 7303% 7304A girl's best friend is her mutter. 7305 -- Dorothy Parker 7306% 7307A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong-- 7308it merely keeps her from enjoying it. 7309% 7310A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort 7311of). 7312% 7313A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. 7314Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific 7315game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have 7316traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there, 7317preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass. 7318 -- Donald A. Metz 7319% 7320A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and 7321placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or 7322rolled into the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results 7323from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball 7324and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the 7325ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical phenomena. 7326 -- Donald A. Metz 7327% 7328A good man always knows his limitations. 7329 -- Harry Callahan 7330% 7331A good marriage would be between a blind wife and deaf husband. 7332 -- Michel de Montaigne 7333% 7334A good memory does not equal pale ink. 7335% 7336A good name lost is seldom regained. When character is gone, 7337all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever. 7338 -- J. Hawes 7339% 7340A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow. 7341 -- Patton 7342% 7343A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a 7344one-way street. 7345 -- Doug Linder 7346% 7347A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened 7348into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the 7349hope of greening the landscape of idea. 7350 -- John Ciardi 7351% 7352A good reputation is more valuable than money. 7353 -- Publilius Syrus 7354% 7355A good scapegoat is hard to find. 7356% 7357A good supervisor can step on your toes without messing up your shine. 7358% 7359A good sysadmin always carries around a few feet of fiber. If he ever 7360gets lost, he simply drops the fiber on the ground, waits ten minutes, 7361then asks the backhoe operator for directions. 7362 -- Bill Bradford <mrbill@mrbill.net> 7363% 7364A GOOD WAY TO THREATEN somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then you 7365call the guy and hold the burning fuse to the phone. "Hear that?" you say. 7366"That's dynamite, baby." 7367 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. 7368% 7369A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to 7370you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to 7371you about yourself. 7372 -- Lisa Kirk 7373% 7374A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on 7375the table after you eat. 7376% 7377A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart that looks at her watch. 7378 -- James Beard 7379% 7380A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough 7381to take it all away. 7382 -- Barry Goldwater 7383% 7384A grammarian's life is always intense. 7385% 7386A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges. 7387 -- Benjamin Franklin 7388% 7389A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely 7390rearranging their prejudices. 7391 -- William James 7392% 7393A great nation is any mob of people which produces at least one honest 7394man a century. 7395% 7396A green hunting cap squeezed the top of the fleshy balloon of a head. The 7397green earflaps, full of large ears and uncut hair and the fine bristles that 7398grew in the ears themselves, stuck out on either side like turn signals 7399indicating two directions at once. Full, pursed lips protruded beneath the 7400bushy black moustache and, at their corners, sank into little folds filled 7401with disapproval and potato chip crumbs. In the shadow under the green visor 7402of the cap Ignatius J. Reilly's supercilious blue and yellow eyes looked down 7403upon the other people waiting under the clock at the D. H. Holmes department 7404store, studying the crowd of people for signs of bad taste in dress. Several 7405of the outfits, Ignatius noticed, were new enough and expensive enough to be 7406properly considered offenses against taste and decency. Possession of 7407anything new or expensive only reflected a person's lack of theology and 7408geometry; it could even cast doubts upon one's soul. 7409 -- John Kennedy Toole, "Confederacy of Dunces" 7410% 7411A group of politicians deciding to dump a President because his morals 7412are bad is like the Mafia getting together to bump off the Godfather for 7413not going to church on Sunday. 7414 -- Russell Baker 7415% 7416A guilty conscience is the mother of invention. 7417 -- Carolyn Wells 7418% 7419A guy has to get fresh once in a while 7420so a girl doesn't lose her confidence. 7421% 7422A hacker does for love what others would not do for money. 7423% 7424A halted retreat 7425Is nerve-wracking and dangerous. 7426To retain people as men -- and maidservants 7427Brings good fortune. 7428% 7429A hammer sometimes misses its mark - a bouquet never. 7430% 7431A handful of friends is worth more than a wagon of gold. 7432% 7433A handful of patience is worth more than a bushel of brains. 7434% 7435A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own 7436weight in other people's patience. 7437 -- John Updike 7438% 7439A help wanted add for a photo journalist asked the rhetorical question: 7440 7441If you found yourself in a situation where you could either save 7442a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning 7443photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and setting would 7444you use? 7445 7446 -- Paul Harvey 7447% 7448A Hen Brooding Kittens 7449 A friend informs us that he saw at the Novato ranch, Marin county, 7450a few days since, a hen actually brooding and otherwise caring for three 7451kittens! The gentleman upon whose premises this strange event is transpiring 7452says the hen adopted the kittens when they were but a few days old, and that 7453she has devoted them her undivided care for several weeks past. The young 7454felines are now of respectable size, but they nevertheless follow the hen at 7455her cluckings, and are regularly brooded at night beneath her wings. 7456 -- Sacramento Daily Union, July 2, 1861 7457% 7458A hermit is a deserter from the army of humanity. 7459% 7460A holding company is a thing where you hand 7461an accomplice the goods while the policeman searches you. 7462% 7463A Hollywood producer calls a friend, another producer on the phone. 7464 "Hello?" his friend answers. 7465 "Hi!" says the man. "This is Bob, how are you doing?" 7466 "Oh," says the friend, "I'm doing great! I just sold a screenplay 7467for two hundred thousand dollars. I've started a novel adaptation and the 7468studio advanced me fifty thousand dollars on it. I also have a television 7469series coming on next week, and everyone says it's going to be a big hit! 7470I'm doing *great*! How are you?" 7471 "Okay," says the producer, "give me a call when he leaves." 7472% 7473A homeowner's reach should exceed his grasp, or what's a weekend for? 7474% 7475"A horrible little boy came up to me and said, `You know in your book 7476The Martian Chronicles?' I said, `Yes?' He said, `You know where you 7477talk about Deimos rising in the East?' I said, `Yes?' He said `No.' 7478-- So I hit him." 7479 -- attributed to Ray Bradbury 7480% 7481A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse! 7482 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 7483% 7484A hundred thousand lemmings can't be wrong! 7485% 7486A hundred years from now it is very likely that [of Twain's works] "The 7487Jumping Frog" alone will be remembered. 7488 -- Harry Thurston Peck (Editor of "The Bookman"), January 1901. 7489% 7490A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. 7491 -- Helen Rowland 7492% 7493A hypocrite is a person who ... but who isn't? 7494 -- Don Marquis 7495% 7496A hypothetical paradox: 7497 What would happen in a battle between an Enterprise security 7498team, who always get killed soon after appearing, and a squad of 7499Imperial Stormtroopers, who can't hit the broad side of a planet? 7500 -- Tom Galloway 7501% 7502A is for AMY who fell down the stairs, B is for BASIL assaulted by bears. 7503C is for CLARA who wasted away, D is for DESMOND thrown out of a sleigh. 7504E is for ERNEST who choked on a peach, F is for FANNY sucked dry by a leech. 7505G is for GEORGE smothered under a rug, H is for HECTOR done in by a thug. 7506I is for IDA who drowned in a lake, J is for JAMES who took lye by mistake. 7507K is for KATE who was struck with an axe, L is for LEO who swallowed some tacks. 7508M is for MAUD who was swept out to sea, N is for NEVILLE who died of ennui. 7509O is for OLIVE run through with an awl, P is for PRUE trampled flat in a brawl. 7510Q is for QUENTIN who sank in a mire, R is for RHODA consumed by a fire. 7511S is for SUSAN who perished of fits, T is for TITUS who flew into bits. 7512U is for UNA who slipped down a drain, V is for VICTOR squashed under a train. 7513W is for WINNIE embedded in ice, X is for XERXES devoured by mice. 7514Y is for YORICK whose head was knocked in, Z is for ZILLAH who drank too much gin. 7515 -- Edward Gorey, "The Gashlycrumb Tinies" 7516% 7517A is for Apple. 7518 -- Hester Pryne 7519% 7520A is for awk, which runs like a snail, and 7521B is for biff, which reads all your mail. 7522C is for cc, as hackers recall, while 7523D is for dd, the command that does all. 7524E is for emacs, which rebinds your keys, and 7525F is for fsck, which rebuilds your trees. 7526G is for grep, a clever detective, while 7527H is for halt, which may seem defective. 7528I is for indent, which rarely amuses, and 7529J is for join, which nobody uses. 7530K is for kill, which makes you the boss, while 7531L is for lex, which is missing from DOS. 7532M is for more, from which less was begot, and 7533N is for nice, which it really is not. 7534O is for od, which prints out things nice, while 7535P is for passwd, which reads in strings twice. 7536Q is for quota, a Berkeley-type fable, and 7537R is for ranlib, for sorting ar table. 7538S is for spell, which attempts to belittle, while 7539T is for true, which does very little. 7540U is for uniq, which is used after sort, and 7541V is for vi, which is hard to abort. 7542W is for whoami, which tells you your name, while 7543X is, well, X, of dubious fame. 7544Y is for yes, which makes an impression, and 7545Z is for zcat, which handles compression. 7546 -- THE ABC'S OF UNIX 7547% 7548A joint is just tea for two. 7549% 7550A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance from Sam. 7551% 7552A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step. 7553 -- Lao Tsu 7554% 7555A journey of a thousand miles starts under one's feet. 7556 -- Lao Tsu 7557% 7558A jug of wine, a bowl of rice with it; 7559Earthen vessels 7560Simply handed in through the window. 7561There is certainly no blame in this. 7562% 7563A jury consists of twelve persons chosen to decide who has the better lawyer. 7564 -- Robert Frost 7565% 7566A key to the understanding of all religions is that a God's idea of a 7567good time is a game of Snakes and Ladders with greased rungs. 7568% 7569A kid'll eat the middle of an Oreo, eventually. 7570% 7571A kind of Batman of contemporary letters. 7572 -- Philip Larkin on Anthony Burgess 7573% 7574A king's castle is his home. 7575% 7576A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised, 7577for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when 7578words are superfluous. 7579% 7580A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction. 7581% 7582A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally. 7583 -- Lillian Day 7584% 7585A lady with one of her ears applied 7586To an open keyhole heard, inside, 7587Two female gossips in converse free -- 7588The subject engaging them was she. 7589"I think", said one, "and my husband thinks 7590That she's a prying, inquisitive minx!" 7591As soon as no more of it she could hear 7592The lady, indignant, removed her ear. 7593"I will not stay," she said with a pout, 7594"To hear my character lied about!" 7595 -- Gopete Sherany 7596% 7597A language that doesn't affect the way you 7598think about programming is not worth knowing. 7599 -- Alan Perlis 7600% 7601A language that doesn't have everything is 7602actually easier to program in than some that do. 7603 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 7604% 7605A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in 7606the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days 7607and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state 7608line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How 7609do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan. 7610 The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered, 7611there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of 7612110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and 7613third, make love to an Eskimo woman." 7614 "Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of 7615this here corn liquor?" 7616 "Got one right here," replied the guard. 7617 The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash. 7618"Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?" 7619 "Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout 7620a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff." 7621 The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned 7622with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was 7623smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you 7624want killed?" 7625% 7626A large number of installed systems work by fiat. 7627That is, they work by being declared to work. 7628 -- Anatol Holt 7629% 7630A large spider in an old house built a beautiful web in which to catch flies. 7631Every time a fly landed on the web and was entangled in it the spider devoured 7632him, so that when another fly came along he would think the web was a safe and 7633quiet place in which to rest. One day a fairly intelligent fly buzzed around 7634above the web so long without lighting that the spider appeared and said, 7635"Come on down." But the fly was too clever for him and said, "I never light 7636where I don't see other flies and I don't see any other flies in your house." 7637So he flew away until he came to a place where there were a great many other 7638flies. He was about to settle down among them when a bee buzzed up and said, 7639"Hold it, stupid, that's flypaper. All those flies are trapped." "Don't be 7640silly," said the fly, "they're dancing." So he settled down and became stuck 7641to the flypaper with all the other flies. 7642 7643Moral: There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else. 7644 -- James Thurber, "The Fairly Intelligent Fly" 7645% 7646A Law of Computer Programming: 7647 Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you 7648will find that programmers cannot write in English. 7649% 7650A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel. 7651 -- Robert Frost 7652% 7653A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment. 7654 -- Willis Player 7655% 7656A liberal is someone too poor to be a 7657capitalist, and too rich to be a communist. 7658% 7659A lie in time saves nine. 7660% 7661A lie is an abomination unto the Lord and a very present help in time of 7662trouble. 7663 -- Adlai Stevenson 7664% 7665A life spent in search of the perfect hash brownie is a life well spent. 7666% 7667A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about. 7668% 7669A light wife doth make a heavy husband. 7670 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 7671% 7672A likely impossibility is always preferable to an unconvincing possibility. 7673 -- Aristotle 7674% 7675A limerick packs laughs anatomical 7676Into space that is quite economical. 7677 But the good ones I've seen 7678 So seldom are clean, 7679And the clean ones so seldom are comical. 7680% 7681A LISP programmer knows the value of everything, 7682but the cost of nothing. 7683 -- Alan Perlis 7684% 7685A list is only as strong as its weakest link. 7686 -- Donald E. Knuth 7687% 7688A little experience often upsets a lot of theory. 7689% 7690A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation. 7691 -- C. E. Ayres 7692% 7693A little inaccuracy sometimes saves tons of explanation. 7694 -- H. H. Munroe a.k.a. Saki, "The Square Egg" (1924) 7695% 7696A little kid went up to Santa and asked him, "Santa, you know when I'm bad 7697right?" And Santa says, "Yes, I do." The little kid then asks, "And you 7698know when I'm sleeping?" To which Santa replies, "Every minute." So the 7699little kid then says, "Well, if you know when I'm bad and when I'm good, 7700then how come you don't know what I want for Christmas?" 7701% 7702A little retrospection shows that although many fine, useful software systems 7703have been designed by committees and built as part of multipart projects, 7704those software systems that have excited passionate fans are those that are 7705the products of one or a few designing minds, great designers. Consider Unix, 7706APL, Pascal, Modula, the Smalltalk interface, even Fortran; and contrast them 7707with Cobol, PL/I, Algol, MVS/370, and MS-DOS. 7708 -- Frederick Brooks 7709% 7710A little word of doubtful number, 7711A foe to rest and peaceful slumber. 7712If you add an "s" to this, 7713Great is the metamorphosis. 7714Plural is plural now no more, 7715And sweet what bitter was before. 7716What am I? 7717% 7718A log may float in a river, but that does not make it a crocodile. 7719% 7720A long memory is the most subversive idea in America. 7721% 7722A long-forgotten loved one will appear soon. Buy the negatives at any 7723price. 7724% 7725A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in 7726his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and 7727exceptional ability in that particular field." 7728% 7729A lost ounce of gold may be found, a lost moment of time never. 7730% 7731A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me. I'm afraid of widths. 7732 -- Steven Wright 7733% 7734A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, 7735and so do I. I believe everything positively stinks. 7736 -- Lew Col 7737% 7738A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all. 7739 -- Thomas Hardy 7740% 7741A major, with wonderful force, 7742Called out in Hyde Park for a horse. 7743 All the flowers looked round, 7744 But no horse could be found; 7745So he just rhododendron, of course. 7746% 7747A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car. 7748 -- Carrie Snow 7749% 7750A man always needs to remember one thing about 7751a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her. 7752% 7753A man always remembers his first love with special 7754tenderness, but after that begins to bunch them. 7755 -- H. L. Mencken 7756% 7757A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend, 7758who swore how much they were in love. To quiet the enraged husband, the 7759lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy. If I win, 7760you get a divorce so I can marry her. If you win, I promise never to see 7761her again. Okay?" 7762 "Alright," agreed the husband. "But how about a quarter a point 7763on the side to make it interesting?" 7764% 7765A man can have two, maybe three love affairs while he's married. After 7766that it's cheating. 7767 -- Yves Montand 7768% 7769A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen 7770or twenty mistakes she's a tramp. 7771 -- Joan Rivers 7772% 7773A man does not look behind the door unless he has stood there himself. 7774 -- Du Bois 7775% 7776A man fell off a mountain and, as he fell, saw a branch and grabbed for it. 7777By superhuman effort he was able to get a precarious grip on it. As he 7778was hanging there for dear life, he looked up and cried out, 7779 "Is anybody there?" 7780A deep majestic voice answered, 7781 "Yes my son, I am here. What do you need?" 7782 "Help me!!" cried the man. 7783 "I will help you", said the voice, "Just let go of the branch and 7784you'll be safe. All you have to do is trust." 7785The man thought for a moment and cried out: 7786 "Anybody ELSE up there?" 7787% 7788A man gazing at the stars is proverbially at the mercy of the puddles 7789in the road. 7790 -- Alexander Smith 7791% 7792A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke. The man sitting 7793next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm* 7794Polish." 7795 He then calls out, "Ivan! Come over here and bring your brother." 7796Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room. 7797 "Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl 7798with you." Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with 7799the joke. 7800 "Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?" 7801 "Nah," says the man. 7802 "Oh, no? And why not? I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish 7803man, opening and closing his fist. "Are you scared?" 7804 "No," replies the man. "I just don't feel like having to explain it 7805five times." 7806% 7807A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished. 7808 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor, "Newsweek" 7809% 7810A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him. 7811 -- Brendan Francis 7812% 7813A man is crawling through the Sahara desert when he is approached by another 7814man riding on a camel. When the rider gets close enough, the crawling man 7815whispers through his sun-parched lips, "Water... please... can you give... 7816water..." 7817 "I'm sorry," replies the man on the camel, "I don't have any water 7818with me. But I'd be delighted to sell you a necktie." 7819 "Tie?" whispers the man. "I need *water*." 7820 "They're only four dollars apiece." 7821 "I need *water*." 7822 "Okay, okay, say two for seven dollars." 7823 "Please! I need *water*!", says the man. 7824 "I don't have any water, all I have are ties," replies the salesman, 7825and he heads off into the distance. 7826 The man, losing track of time, crawls for what seems like days. 7827Finally, nearly dead, sun-blind and with his skin peeling and blistering, he 7828sees a restaurant in the distance. Summoning the last of his strength he 7829staggers up to the door and confronts the head waiter. 7830 "Water... can I get... water," the dying man manages to stammer. 7831 "I'm sorry, sir, ties required." 7832% 7833A man is known by the company he organizes. 7834 -- Ambrose Bierce 7835% 7836A man is like a rusty wheel on a rusty cart, 7837He sings his song as he rattles along and then he falls apart. 7838 -- Richard Thompson 7839% 7840A man is only as old as the woman he feels. 7841 -- Groucho Marx 7842% 7843A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the 7844longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse, 7845followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred 7846other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity 7847no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners. 7848 "Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief, 7849but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen. What happened, who is 7850the funeral for?" 7851 "Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother- 7852in-law of the man at the front of the procession. You see, his Doberman 7853attacked and killed her." 7854 "That's awful!", replies the onlooker. "But... um... tell me, you 7855don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?" 7856 "Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line." 7857% 7858A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and 7859antennae coming out of his head. He goes up to him and says, "You're not 7860from around here, are you?" 7861 "No," replies the man with the antennae. 7862 "You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American, 7863either. In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!" 7864 "Right again," says the man with four arms. "I'm from Mars." 7865 "Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got 7866there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything." 7867 "We Martians all have four arms and antennae." 7868 "Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that 7869big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all 7870Martians have that?" 7871 "Well, no," says the Martian. "Not the *goyim*." 7872% 7873A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be 7874bothered with sex and all that sort of thing. 7875 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle" 7876% 7877A man may be so much of everything that he is nothing of anything. 7878 -- Samuel Johnson 7879% 7880A man may sometimes be forgiven the kiss to which he is not entitled, 7881but never the kiss he has not the initiative to claim. 7882% 7883A man may well bring a horse to the water, 7884but he cannot make him drink with he will. 7885 -- John Heywood 7886% 7887A man of genius makes no mistakes. 7888His errors are volitional and are the portals of discovery. 7889 -- James Joyce, "Ulysses" 7890% 7891A man paints with his brains and not with his hands. 7892% 7893A man said to the Universe: 7894 "Sir, I exist!" 7895 "However," replied the Universe, 7896 "the fact has not created in me a sense of obligation." 7897 -- Stephen Crane 7898% 7899A man took his wife deer hunting for the first time. After he'd given her 7900some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later. Before 7901he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who 7902might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill. If that happened, he told 7903her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to 7904her aid. 7905 Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly 7906by the agreed upon signal. Running to the scene, he found his wife standing 7907in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel. 7908 "He claims this is his," she said, obviously very upset. 7909 "She can keep it, she can keep it!" the wide-eyed man replied. "I 7910just want to get my saddle back!" 7911% 7912A man usually falls in love with a woman who asks the kinds of questions 7913he is able to answer. 7914 -- Ronald Colman 7915% 7916A man was griping to his friend about how he hated to go home after a 7917late card games. 7918 "You wouldn't believe what I go through to avoid waking my wife," 7919he said. "First, I kill the engine a block away from the house and coast 7920into the garage. Then I open the door slowly, take off my shoes, and 7921tiptoe to our room. But just as I'm about to slide into bed, she always 7922wakes up and gives me hell." 7923 "I make a big racket when I go home," his friend replied. 7924 "You do?" 7925 "Sure. I honk the horn, slam the door, turn on all the lights, 7926stomp up to the bedroom and give my wife a big kiss. `Hi, Alice,' I say. 7927`How about a little smooch for your old man?'" 7928 "And what does she say?" his friend asked in disbelief. 7929 "She doesn't say anything," his buddy replied. "She always pretends 7930she's asleep." 7931% 7932A man was kneeling by a grave in a cemetery, crying and praying very loudly, 7933 "Oh why..eeeee did you die...eeeeee, Oh Why..eeeeee, 7934why did you Di......eeee" 7935The caretaker walks up, pardons himself and asks politely, 7936 "Excuse me, sir, but I've been seeing you for hours now, 7937carrying on at this grave. You must have been very close to the deceased." 7938 "No, I never met him. Oh why....eeeee did you dieeeeee, 7939why....eeeee did you.." 7940 "Sir, you say you never met this person, yet you carry on so? 7941Tell, me who is buried here?" 7942 "My wife's first husband." 7943% 7944A man who cannot seduce men cannot save them either. 7945 -- S. A. Kierkegaard 7946% 7947A man who carries a cat by its tail learns something he can learn 7948in no other way. 7949% 7950A man who fishes for marlin in ponds 7951will put his money in Etruscan bonds. 7952% 7953A man who likes to lie in bed can usually 7954find a girl willing to listen to him. 7955% 7956A man who turns green has eschewed protein. 7957% 7958A man with 3 wings and a dictionary is cousin to the turkey. 7959% 7960A man with one watch knows what time it is. 7961A man with two watches is never quite sure. 7962% 7963A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle. 7964% 7965A man without a woman is like a fish without gills. 7966% 7967A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons. 7968% 7969A man would still do something out of sheer perversity - he would create 7970destruction and chaos - just to gain his point... and if all this could in 7971turn be analyzed and prevented by predicting that it would occur, then man 7972would deliberately go mad to prove his point. 7973 -- Feodor Dostoevsky, "Notes From the Underground" 7974% 7975A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package. 7976% 7977A man's best friend is his dogma. 7978% 7979A man's gotta know his limitations. 7980 -- Clint Eastwood, "Dirty Harry" 7981% 7982A man's house is his castle. 7983 -- Sir Edward Coke 7984% 7985A man's house is his hassle. 7986% 7987A master was asked the question, "What is the Way?" by a curious monk. 7988 "It is right before your eyes," said the master. 7989 "Why do I not see it for myself?" 7990 "Because you are thinking of yourself." 7991 "What about you: do you see it?" 7992 "So long as you see double, saying `I don't', and `you do', and so 7993on, your eyes are clouded," said the master. 7994 "When there is neither `I' nor `You', can one see it?" 7995 "When there is neither `I' nor `You', 7996who is the one that wants to see it?" 7997% 7998A mathematician, a doctor, and an engineer are walking on the beach and 7999observe a team of lifeguards pumping the stomach of a drowned woman. As 8000they watch, water, sand, snails and such come out of the pump. 8001 The doctor watches for a while and says: "Keep pumping, men, you may 8002yet save her!!" 8003 The mathematician does some calculations and says: "According to my 8004understanding of the size of that pump, you have already pumped more water 8005from her body than could be contained in a cylinder 4 feet in diameter and 80066 feet high." 8007 The engineer says: "I think she's sitting in a puddle." 8008% 8009A mathematician is a device for converting coffee into theorems. 8010 -- P. Erdos 8011% 8012A meeting is an event at which the 8013minutes are kept and the hours are lost. 8014% 8015A memorandum is written not to inform the reader, 8016but to protect the writer. 8017 -- Dean Acheson 8018% 8019A method of solution is perfect if we can foresee from the start, 8020and even prove, that following that method we shall attain our aim. 8021 -- Gottfried Wilhelm Leibniz 8022% 8023A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed 8024on the Falkland Islands have devised what they consider a marvelous new 8025game. Noting that the local penguins are fascinated by airplanes, the 8026pilots search out a beach where the birds are gathered and fly slowly 8027along it at the water's edge. Perhaps ten thousand penguins turn their 8028heads in unison watching the planes go by, and when the pilots turn 8029around and fly back, the birds turn their heads in the opposite 8030direction, like spectators at a slow-motion tennis match. Then, the 8031paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin 8032colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins 8033fall over gently onto their backs. 8034 -- Audubon Society Magazine 8035 8036[From the BBC, 2001-02-02: 8037 For five weeks, a team from the British Antarctic Survey (BAS) 8038monitored 1,000 king penguins on the island of South Georgia as Lynx 8039helicopters passed overhead. 8040 "Not one king penguin fell over when the helicopters came over," 8041said team leader Dr. Richard Stone. 8042 "As the aircraft approached, the birds went quiet and stopped 8043calling to each other, and adolescent birds that were not associated 8044with nests began walking away from the noise. Pure animal instinct, 8045really." 8046 The conclusion, said Dr. Stone, is that flights over 305 metres 8047(1,000 feet) caused "only minor and transitory ecological effects" on 8048king penguins.] 8049% 8050A mighty creature is the germ, 8051Though smaller than the pachyderm. 8052His customary dwelling place 8053Is deep within the human race. 8054His childish pride he often pleases 8055By giving people strange diseases. 8056Do you, my poppet, feel infirm? 8057You probably contain a germ. 8058 -- Ogden Nash 8059% 8060A mind is a wonderful thing to waste. 8061% 8062A modem is a baudy house. 8063% 8064A modest woman, dressed out in all her finery, 8065is the most tremendous object in the whole creation. 8066 -- Goldsmith 8067% 8068A mother mouse was taking her large brood for a stroll across the kitchen 8069floor one day when the local cat, by a feat of stealth unusual even for 8070its species, managed to trap them in a corner. The children cowered, 8071terrified by this fearsome beast, plaintively crying, "Help, Mother! 8072Save us! Save us! We're scared, Mother!" 8073 Mother Mouse, with the hopeless valor of a parent protecting its 8074children, turned with her teeth bared to the cat, towering huge above them, 8075and suddenly began to bark in a fashion that would have done any Doberman 8076proud. The startled cat fled in fear for its life. 8077 As her grateful offspring flocked around her shouting "Oh, Mother, 8078you saved us!" and "Yay! You scared the cat away!" she turned to them 8079purposefully and declared, "You see how useful it is to know a second 8080language?" 8081% 8082A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, 8083and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes. 8084 -- Frost 8085% 8086A motion to adjourn is always in order. 8087% 8088A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese. 8089% 8090A mushroom cloud has no silver lining. 8091% 8092A musician, an artist, an architect: 8093 the man or woman who is not one of these is not a Christian. 8094 -- William Blake 8095% 8096A myth is a religion in which no-one any longer believes. 8097 -- James Feibleman, "Understanding Philosophy" 8098% 8099A narcissist is someone better looking than you are. 8100 -- Gore Vidal 8101% 8102A nasty looking dwarf throws a knife at you. 8103% 8104A national debt, if it is not excessive, 8105will be to us a national blessing. 8106 -- Alexander Hamilton 8107% 8108A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out 8109on loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed 8110loudly inside the stable. "But I can hear it bray, over there." "Whom 8111do you believe," asked Nasrudin, "me or a donkey?" 8112% 8113A new 'chutist had just jumped from the plane at 10,000 feet, and soon 8114discovered that all his lines were hopelessly tangled. At about 5,000 feet, 8115still struggling, he noticed someone coming up from the ground at about the 8116same speed as he was going towards the ground. As they passed each other at 81173,000 feet, the 'chutist yells, "HEY! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PARACHUTES?" 8118 The reply came, fading towards the end, "NO! DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING 8119ABOUT COLEMAN STOVES?" 8120% 8121A new dramatist of the absurd 8122Has a voice that will shortly be heard. 8123 I learn from my spies 8124 He's about to devise 8125An unprintable three-letter word. 8126% 8127A new koan: 8128 If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. 8129 If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you. 8130It is an ice cream koan. 8131% 8132A new supply of round tuits has arrived and are available from Mary. 8133Anyone who has been putting off work until they got a `round tuit' 8134now has no excuse for further procrastination. 8135% 8136A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time 8137had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had 8138come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to 8139catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust 8140the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to 8141it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept 8142in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers. 8143 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago" 8144% 8145A New Way of Taking Pills 8146 A physician one night in Wisconsin being disturbed by a burglar, and 8147having no ball or shot for his pistol, noiselessly loaded the weapon with 8148small, hard pills, and gave the intruder a "prescription" which he thinks 8149will go far towards curing the rascal of a very bad ailment. 8150 -- Nevada Morning Transcript, January 30, 1861 8151% 8152A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the movies 8153insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the 8154right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them. 8155% 8156A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the 8157rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion. 8158% 8159A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he 8160on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges 8161over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom. 8162As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet 8163from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength. 8164"Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin' 8165you now: Save me, Lord, save me." 8166 Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH." 8167 "But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!" 8168 "TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH." 8169 "But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..." 8170 "TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH." 8171 Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls 8172to his death. 8173 "DUMB YANKEE." 8174% 8175A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered 8176by the side of the street. Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned 8177out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained 8178that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused 8179himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped 8180the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?" 8181 "Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the 8182onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?" 8183 "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a 8184gallon or two." 8185% 8186A newspaper is a circulating library with high blood pressure. 8187 -- Arthure "Bugs" Baer 8188% 8189A nickel ain't worth a dime anymore. 8190 -- Yogi Berra 8191% 8192A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a 8193"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble. 8194 -- Mahatma Gandhi 8195% 8196A novice asked the Master: "Here is a programmer that never designs, 8197documents or tests his programs. Yet all who know him consider him 8198one of the bests programmer in the world. Why is this?" 8199 The Master replies: "That programmer has mastered the Tao. He has 8200gone beyond the need for design; he does not become angry when the system 8201crashes, but accepts the universe without concern. He has gone beyond the 8202need for documentation; he no longer cares if anyone else sees his code. 8203He has gone beyond the need for testing; each of his programs are perfect 8204within themselves, serene and elegant, their purpose self-evident. Truly, 8205he has entered the mystery of Tao." 8206% 8207A novice of the temple once approached the Chief Priest with a question. 8208 8209"Master, does Emacs have the Buddha nature?" the novice asked. 8210 8211The Chief Priest had been in the temple for many years and could be 8212relied upon to know these things. He thought for several minutes 8213before replying. 8214 8215"I don't see why not. It's got bloody well everything else." 8216 8217With that, the Chief Priest went to lunch. The novice suddenly achieved 8218enlightenment, several years later. 8219 8220Commentary: 8221 8222His Master is kind, 8223Answering his FAQ quickly, 8224With thought and sarcasm. 8225% 8226A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power 8227off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly: 8228"You can not fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no 8229understanding of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off 8230and on. The machine worked. 8231% 8232A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. 8233% 8234A pain in the ass of major dimensions. 8235 -- C. A. Desoer, on the solution of non-linear circuits 8236% 8237A Parable of Modern Research: 8238 8239 Bob has lost his keys in a room which is dark except for one 8240brightly lit corner. 8241 "Why are you looking under the light, you lost them in the dark!" 8242 "I can only see here." 8243% 8244A paranoid is a man who knows a little of what's going on. 8245 -- William S. Burroughs 8246% 8247A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants. 8248% 8249A pedestal is as much a prison as any small, confined space. 8250 -- Gloria Steinem 8251% 8252A pencil with no point needs no eraser. 8253% 8254"A penny for your thoughts?" 8255"A dollar for your death." 8256 -- The Odd Couple 8257% 8258A penny saved has not been spent. 8259% 8260A penny saved is a penny taxed. 8261% 8262A penny saved is ridiculous. 8263% 8264A penny saved kills your career in government. 8265% 8266A people living under the perpetual menace of war and invasion is very easy to 8267govern. It demands no social reforms. It does not haggle over expenditures 8268on armaments and military equipment. It pays without discussion, it ruins 8269itself, and that is an excellent thing for the syndicates of financiers and 8270manufacturers for whom patriotic terrors are an abundant source of gain. 8271 -- Anatole France 8272% 8273A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages, 8274who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never 8275speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of 8276unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be! 8277 -- Thackeray 8278% 8279A person forgives only when they are in the wrong. 8280% 8281A person is just about as big as the things that make them angry. 8282% 8283A person who has nothing looks at all there is and wants something. 8284A person who has something looks at all there is and wants all the rest. 8285% 8286A person who is more than casually interested in computers should be well 8287schooled in machine language, since it is a fundamental part of a computer. 8288 -- Donald E. Knuth 8289% 8290A pessimist is a man who has been compelled to live with an optimist. 8291 -- Elbert Hubbard 8292% 8293A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms. 8294 -- George Wald 8295% 8296A pickup with three guys in it pulls into the lumber yard. One of the men 8297gets out and goes into the office. 8298 "I need some four-by-two's," he says. 8299 "You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk. 8300 The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go 8301check." 8302 Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the 8303truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be 8304acceptable. 8305 "OK," says the clerk, writing it down, "how long you want 'em?" 8306 The guy gets the blank look again. "Uh... I guess I better go 8307check," he says. 8308 He goes back out to the truck, and there's another animated 8309conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says, 8310"we're building a house". 8311% 8312A pig is a jolly companion, 8313Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt -- 8314A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale, 8315Though mountains may topple and tilt. 8316When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you, 8317When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig, 8318Though you may be thrown over by Tabby and Rover, 8319You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig, 8320You'll never go wrong with a pig! 8321 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 8322% 8323A pipe gives a wise man time to think 8324and a fool something to stick in his mouth. 8325% 8326A place for everything and everything in its place. 8327 -- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management" 8328 8329 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 8330 referring to memory management system services.] 8331% 8332A platitude is simply a truth repeated till people get tired of hearing it. 8333 -- Stanley Baldwin 8334% 8335A plethora of individuals with expertise in culinary techniques 8336contaminate the potable concoction produced by steeping certain 8337edible nutriments. 8338% 8339A plucked goose doesn't lay golden eggs. 8340% 8341A poet who reads his verse in public may have other nasty habits. 8342% 8343A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck. He has heard 8344about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his 8345money if the bank collapsed. "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the 8346finance ministry, sir," the teller replies. 8347 "But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks. 8348 "Then the government will intercede to protect the working class," 8349the teller says. 8350 "But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks. 8351 "Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come 8352to our assistance," the teller responds with growing irritation. 8353 "And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks. 8354 "Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy 8355paycheck?" 8356 -- Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1984 8357% 8358A political man can have as his aim the realization of freedom, 8359but he has no means to realize it other than through violence. 8360 -- Jean-Paul Sartre 8361% 8362A possum must be himself, and being himself he is honest. 8363 -- Walt Kelly 8364% 8365A pound of salt will not sweeten a single cup of tea. 8366% 8367A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil! 8368 -- The Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Sumatra" 8369% 8370A "practical joker" deserves applause for his wit according to its quality. 8371Bastinado is about right. For exceptional wit one might grant keelhauling. 8372But staking him out on an anthill should be reserved for the very wittiest. 8373 -- Lazarus Long 8374% 8375A prediction is worth twenty explanations. 8376 -- K. Brecher 8377% 8378A pretty foot is one of the greatest gifts of nature... please send me your 8379last pair of shoes, already worn out in dancing... so I can have something 8380of yours to press against my heart. 8381 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 8382% 8383A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything. 8384% 8385A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil. 8386Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies." 8387% 8388A priest asked: What is Fate, Master? 8389 8390And the Master answered: 8391 It is that which gives a beast of burden its reason for existence. 8392 It is that which men in former times had to bear upon their backs. 8393 It is that which has caused nations to build byways from City to 8394City upon which carts and coaches pass, and alongside which inns have come 8395to be built to stave off Hunger, Thirst and Weariness. 8396 8397 And that is Fate? said the priest. 8398 8399 Fate ... I thought you said Freight, responded the Master. 8400 8401 That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know 8402what Freight was too. 8403 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 8404% 8405A prig is a fellow who is always making you a present of his opinions. 8406 -- George Eliot 8407% 8408A prisoner of war is a man who tries to kill you and fails, and then 8409asks you not to kill him. 8410 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1952 8411% 8412A private sin is not so prejudicial in the world as a public indecency. 8413 -- Miguel de Cervantes 8414% 8415A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. 8416% 8417A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis 8418of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite 8419series of incomprehensive answers calculated with micrometric 8420precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from 8421inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical 8422accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality 8423for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly 8424defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the 8425information in the first place. 8426 -- IEEE Grid news magazine 8427% 8428A programming language is low level 8429when its programs require attention to the irrelevant. 8430% 8431A prohibitionist is the sort of man one wouldn't care to 8432drink with -- even if he drank. 8433 -- H. L. Mencken 8434% 8435A prominent broadcaster, on a big-game safari in Africa, was taken to a 8436watering hole where the life of the jungle could be observed. As he 8437looked down from his tree platform and described the scene into his 8438tape recorder, he saw two gnus grazing peacefully. So preoccupied were 8439they that they failed to observe the approach of a pride of lions led 8440by two magnificent specimens, obviously the leaders. The lions charged, 8441killed the gnus, and dragged them into the bushes where their feasting 8442could not be seen. A little while later the two kings of the jungle 8443emerged and the radioman recorded on his tape: "Well, that's the end of 8444the gnus and here, once again, are the head lions." 8445% 8446A promiscuous person is usually someone who is 8447getting more sex than you are. 8448 -- Victor Lownes 8449% 8450A proper wife should be as obedient as a slave... The female is a female 8451by virtue of a certain lack of qualities -- a natural defectiveness. 8452 -- Aristotle 8453% 8454A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions 8455your wife asks you for nothing. 8456 -- Joey Adams 8457% 8458A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that 8459your wife will give you for free. 8460% 8461A public debt is a kind of anchor in the storm; but if the anchor be 8462too heavy for the vessel, she will be sunk by that very weight which 8463was intended for her preservation. 8464 -- Colton 8465% 8466A putt that stops close enough to the cup to inspire such comments as 8467"you could blow it in" may be blown in. This rule does not apply if 8468the ball is more than three inches from the hole, because no one wants 8469to make a travesty of the game. 8470 -- Donald A. Metz 8471% 8472A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans 8473over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?" 8474 The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a 8475Bishop." 8476 "Well, could you get any higher than that?" 8477 "I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I 8478might be made an Archbishop." 8479 "Is there any way that you might go higher than that?" 8480 "If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal." 8481 "Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?" 8482 Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could 8483be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will." 8484 "And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go 8485up from being the Pope?" 8486 "What?! I should be the Messiah himself?!" 8487 The rabbi leaned back and smiled. "One of our boys made it." 8488% 8489A raccoon tangled with a 23,000 volt line today. The results 8490blacked out 1400 homes and, of course, one raccoon. 8491 -- Steel City News 8492% 8493A racially integrated community is a chronological term timed from the 8494entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family. 8495 -- Saul Alinsky 8496% 8497A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives. 8498% 8499A reading from the Book of Armaments, Chapter 4, Verses 16 to 20: 8500 8501Then did he raise on high the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, saying, 8502"Bless this, O Lord, that with it thou mayst blow thine enemies to tiny 8503bits, in thy mercy." And the people did rejoice and did feast upon the 8504lambs and toads and tree-sloths and fruit-bats and orangutans and 8505breakfast cereals ... Now did the Lord say, "First thou pullest the 8506Holy Pin. Then thou must count to three. Three shall be the number of 8507the counting and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt 8508thou not count, neither shalt thou count two, excepting that thou then 8509proceedeth to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being 8510the number of the counting, be reached, then lobbest thou the Holy Hand 8511Grenade in the direction of thine foe, who, being naughty in my sight, 8512shall snuff it." 8513 -- Monty Python, "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" 8514% 8515A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having 8516his neighbor notice it. 8517 -- Trygve Lie 8518% 8519A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale, 8520commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked. 8521 The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it 8522the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of 8523field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living 8524room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling 8525beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way." 8526 Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer 8527looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too 8528obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe." 8529% 8530A real friend isn't someone you use once and then throw away. 8531A real friend is someone you can use over and over again. 8532% 8533A real gentleman never takes bases unless he really has to. 8534 -- Overheard in an algebra lecture 8535% 8536A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices 8537that the system works. 8538% 8539A real person has two reasons for doing anything ... a good reason and 8540the real reason. 8541% 8542A recent study has found that concentrating on difficult off-screen 8543objects, such as the faces of loved ones, causes eye strain in computer 8544scientists. Researchers into the phenomenon cite the added 8545concentration needed to "make sense" of such unnatural three 8546dimensional objects ... 8547% 8548A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other 8549people what to do with their money. 8550 -- Imamu Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones) 8551% 8552A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you. 8553 -- Ramsey Clark 8554% 8555A Riverside, California, health ordinance states that two persons may 8556not kiss each other without first wiping their lips with carbolized 8557rosewater. 8558% 8559A robin redbreast in a cage 8560Puts all Heaven in a rage. 8561 -- Blake 8562% 8563A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man 8564contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral. 8565 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 8566% 8567A rolling disk gathers no MOS. 8568% 8569A rolling stone gathers momentum. 8570% 8571A rolling stone gathers no moss. 8572 -- Publilius Syrus 8573% 8574A Roman divorced from his wife, being highly blamed by his friends, who 8575demanded, "Was she not chaste? Was she not fair? Was she not fruitful?" 8576holding out his shoe, asked them whether it was not new and well made. 8577Yet, added he, none of you can tell where it pinches me. 8578 -- Plutarch 8579% 8580A rope lying over the top of a fence is the same length on each side. It 8581weighs one third of a pound per foot. On one end hangs a monkey holding a 8582banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey. 8583The banana weighs two ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as 8584the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces) 8585is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined age of the 8586monkey and its mother is thirty years. One half of the weight of the monkey, 8587plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the 8588weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as 8589the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she 8590was half as old as the monkey will be when it is as old as its mother 8591will be when she is four times as old as the monkey was when it was twice 8592as its mother was when she was one third as old as the monkey was when it 8593was old as is mother was when she was three times as old as the monkey was 8594when it was one fourth as old as it is now. How long is the banana? 8595% 8596A rose is a rose is a rose. Just ask Jean Marsh, known to millions of 8597PBS viewers in the '70s as Rose, the maid on the BBC export "Upstairs, 8598Downstairs." Though Marsh has since gone on to other projects, ... it's 8599with Rose she's forever identified. So much so that she even likes to 8600joke about having one named after her, a distinction not without its 8601drawbacks. "I was very flattered when I heard about it, but when I looked 8602up the official description, it said, `Jean Marsh: pale peach, not very 8603good in beds; better up against a wall.' I want to tell you that's not 8604true. I'm very good in beds as well." 8605% 8606A sad spectacle. If they be inhabited, what a scope for misery and folly. 8607If they be not inhabited, what a waste of space. 8608 -- Thomas Carlyle, looking at the stars 8609% 8610A sadist is a masochist who follows the Golden Rule. 8611% 8612A salamander scurries into flame to be destroyed. 8613Imaginary creatures are trapped in birth on celluloid. 8614 -- Genesis, "The Lamb Lies Down on Broadway" 8615 8616I don't know what it's about. I'm just the drummer. Ask Peter. 8617 -- Phil Collins in 1975, when asked about the message behind 8618 the previous year's Genesis release, "The Lamb Lies Down 8619 on Broadway". 8620% 8621A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper 8622vocation?" 8623 The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of 8624their minds. Others must use their strong backs, legs and hands. This is 8625the same in nature as it is with man. Some animals acquire their food easily, 8626such as rabbits, hogs and goats. Other animals must fiercely struggle for 8627their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants. So you see, the nature of 8628the vocation must fit the individual. 8629 "But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the 8630scholar sobbed. 8631 Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?" 8632% 8633A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and 8634making them see the light, but rather because its opponents eventually 8635die and a new generation grows up that is familiar with it. 8636 -- Max Planck 8637% 8638A sect or party is an elegant incognito devised to save a man from 8639the vexation of thinking. 8640 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831 8641% 8642A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness 8643of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving 8644water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in consciousness 8645of this necessary reorganization of our lives. 8646 8647It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the 8648recognition of such facts as that unsupported stones always fall to the 8649ground. 8650 -- J. W. N. Sullivan 8651% 8652A sense of humor keen enough to show a man his own absurdities will 8653keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those 8654that are worth committing. 8655 -- Samuel Butler 8656% 8657A sequel is an admission that you've been reduced to imitating yourself. 8658 -- Don Marquis 8659% 8660A sharper perspective on this matter is particularly important to feminist 8661thought today, because a major tendency in feminism has constructed the 8662problem of domination as a drama of female vulnerability victimized by male 8663aggression. Even the more sophisticated feminist thinkers frequently shy 8664away from the analysis of submission, for fear that in admitting woman's 8665participation in the relationship of domination, the onus of responsibility 8666will appear to shift from men to women, and the moral victory from women to 8667men. More generally, this has been a weakness of radical politics: to 8668idealize the oppressed, as if their politics and culture were untouched by 8669the system of domination, as if people did not participate in their own 8670submission. To reduce domination to a simple relation of doer and done-to 8671is to substitute moral outrage for analysis. 8672 -- Jessica Benjamin, "The Bonds of Love" 8673% 8674A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. 8675% 8676A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard. 8677 -- Prof. Steiner 8678% 8679A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic. 8680 -- Joseph Stalin 8681% 8682A single flow'r he sent me, since we met. 8683All tenderly his messenger he chose; 8684Deep-hearted, pure, with scented dew still wet-- 8685One perfect rose. 8686 8687I knew the language of the floweret; 8688"My fragile leaves," it said, "his heart enclose." 8689Love long has taken for his amulet 8690One perfect rose. 8691 8692Why is it no one ever sent me yet 8693One perfect limousine, do you suppose? 8694Ah no, it's always just my luck to get 8695One perfect rose. 8696 -- Dorothy Parker, "One Perfect Rose" 8697% 8698A sinking ship gathers no moss. 8699 -- Donald Kaul 8700% 8701A small town that cannot support one lawyer can always support two. 8702% 8703A Smith & Wesson beats four aces. 8704% 8705A snake lurks in the grass. 8706 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 8707% 8708A social scientist, studying the culture and traditions of a small North 8709African tribe, found a woman still practicing the ancient art of matchmaking. 8710Locally, she was known as the Moor, the marrier. 8711% 8712A society in which women are taught anything but the management of a family, 8713the care of men, and the creation of the future generation is a society 8714which is on its way out. 8715 -- L. Ron Hubbard 8716% 8717A soft answer turneth away wrath; but grievous words stir up anger. 8718 -- Proverbs 15:1 8719% 8720A soft drink turneth away company. 8721% 8722A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg 8723that looked like he was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity. 8724 -- Mark Twain 8725% 8726A song in time is worth a dime. 8727% 8728A Southern boy graduates from high school heads north to college, taking the 8729family dog, Old Blue with him, for company. He's only been there a few weeks 8730when he gets a call from his girlfriend; seems like they've got a problem, 8731and she needs a thousand dollars to take care of it. The boy calls his folks: 8732 "How are you?" they ask. 8733 "Oh, I'm fine," he says. 8734 "And how," they ask, "is Old Blue?" 8735 "Well, he's kind of depressed. You see, there's this lady up here 8736that teaches dogs to talk, and Ol' Blue is feelin' kind of left out 'cause 8737he's the only dog that doesn't know how to talk. She charges a thousand 8738dollars." 8739 The parents send the boy the thousand dollars, he forwards it to Mary 8740Lou, and everything's fine until Christmas vacation. The boy leaves Ol' Blue 8741at his dorm, 'cause he just can't figure out what to tell his parents. Sure 8742enough, when he gets home, the first thing his father wants to know is 8743"Where's Old Blue?" 8744 "Well, Pa," says the boy. "I was driving on home and Old Blue was 8745talking away about this and that when we passed the Buford's farm. Old Blue, 8746well, he said, `Say, what do you think your mother would do if I told her 8747that your father's been comin' over here and seeing Mrs. Buford all these 8748years?'" 8749 The father looks at his son -- "You shot that dog, didn't you, boy?" 8750% 8751A squeegee by any other name wouldn't sound as funny. 8752% 8753A statesman is a politician who's been dead 10 or 15 years. 8754 -- Harry S. Truman 8755% 8756A statistician, who refused to fly after reading of the alarmingly high 8757probability that there will be a bomb on any given plane, realized that 8758the probability of there being two bombs on any given flight is very low. 8759Now, whenever he flies, he carries a bomb with him. 8760% 8761A stitch in time saves nine. 8762% 8763"...A strange enigma is man!" 8764"Someone calls him a soul concealed in an animal," I suggested. 8765 "Winwood Reade is good upon the subject," said Holmes. "He remarked 8766that, while the individual man is an insoluble puzzle, in the aggregate he 8767becomes a mathematical certainty. You can, for example, never foretell what 8768any one man will do, but you can say with precision what an average number 8769will be up to. Individuals vary, but percentages remain constant. So says 8770the statistician." 8771 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four" 8772% 8773A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows. 8774 -- O'Henry 8775% 8776A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many 8777bad measures. 8778 -- Daniel Webster 8779% 8780A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to 8781Greenblatt. As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it 8782true," asked the student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as 8783Lisp?" Almost before the student had finished his question, Greenblatt 8784shouted, "FOO!", and hit the student with a stick. 8785% 8786A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam. 8787% 8788A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows. 8789% 8790A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something 8791undreamed of by its author. 8792 -- S. C. Johnson 8793% 8794A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first 8795thought of. 8796 -- Burt Bacharach 8797% 8798A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over 8799Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the 8800other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing 8801new versions of their own innards! 8802 -- Michael O'Brien 8803% 8804A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm) 8805 -- by Charles Dickens 8806 8807 A lawyer who looks like a French Nobleman is executed in his place. 8808 8809The Metamorphosis LITE(tm) 8810 -- by Franz Kafka 8811 8812 A man turns into a bug and his family gets annoyed. 8813 8814Lord of the Rings LITE(tm) 8815 -- by J. R. R. Tolkien 8816 8817 Some guys take a long vacation to throw a ring into a volcano. 8818 8819Hamlet LITE(tm) 8820 -- by William Shakespeare 8821 8822 A college student on vacation with family problems, a screwy 8823 girl-friend and a mother who won't act her age. 8824% 8825A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm) 8826 -- by Charles Dickens 8827 8828 A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just 8829 like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean 8830 lady who knits. 8831 8832Crime and Punishment LITE(tm) 8833 -- by Fyodor Dostoyevsky 8834 8835 A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later 8836 feels guilty and apologizes. 8837 8838The Odyssey LITE(tm) 8839 -- by Homer 8840 8841 After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home. 8842% 8843A tall, dark stranger will have more fun than you. 8844% 8845A tautology is a thing which is tautological. 8846% 8847A team effort is a lot of people doing what I say. 8848 -- Michael Winner, British film director 8849% 8850A Texan, impressing the hell out of a Bostonian with tales about the heroes 8851of the Alamo, commented, "I'll bet you never had anyone that brave around 8852*Boston*." 8853 "Ever hear of Paul Revere?", snarled the Bostonian. 8854 "Paul Revere?", pondered the Texan. "Isn't he the guy who ran for 8855help?" 8856% 8857A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it. 8858 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W. H." 8859% 8860A timely marriage: one made before your children start nagging you about it. 8861 -- Diane Duane 8862% 8863A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention, 8864and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. 8865 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 8866% 8867A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything 8868but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others. 8869 -- Ambrose Bierce 8870% 8871A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by 8872blowing first. 8873% 8874A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three 8875wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels. 8876Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer 8877sitting in the yard watching the pig. 8878 "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman. 8879 "Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter 8880was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that 8881pig swam out and dragged her back to shore." 8882 "Amazing!" the salesman exclaimed. 8883 "And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on 8884the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did. 8885That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me. 8886Saved my life." 8887 "Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has 8888three wooden legs?" 8889 The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you 8890got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once." 8891% 8892A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene 8893triangle. 8894% 8895A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother 8896drudge for his living at seventy, sooner than work at anything but his art. 8897 -- Shaw 8898% 8899A truly great man will neither trample on a worm nor sneak to an emperor. 8900 -- Benjamin Franklin 8901% 8902A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 8903% 8904A truly wise woman never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. 8905% 8906A truth that's told with bad intent 8907Beats all the lies you can invent. 8908 -- William Blake 8909% 8910A university is what a college becomes 8911when the faculty loses interest in students. 8912 -- John Ciardi 8913% 8914A University without students is like an ointment without a fly. 8915 -- Ed Nather, professor of astronomy at UT Austin 8916% 8917A UNIX saleslady, Lenore, 8918Enjoys work, but she likes the beach more. 8919 She found a good way 8920 To combine work and play: 8921She sells C shells by the seashore. 8922% 8923A vacuum is a hell of a lot better than some of the stuff that nature 8924replaces it with. 8925 -- Tennessee Williams 8926% 8927A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on. 8928 -- Samuel Goldwyn 8929% 8930A very intelligent turtle 8931Found programming UNIX a hurdle 8932 The system, you see, 8933 Ran as slow as did he, 8934And that's not saying much for the turtle. 8935% 8936A violent man will die a violent death. 8937 -- Lao Tsu 8938% 8939A visit to a fresh place will bring strange work. 8940% 8941A visit to a strange place will bring fresh work. 8942% 8943A vivid and creative mind characterizes you. 8944% 8945A waist is a terrible thing to mind. 8946 -- Ziggy 8947% 8948A watched clock never boils. 8949% 8950A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without 8951getting nervous. 8952% 8953A well-known friend is a treasure. 8954% 8955A well-used door needs no oil on its hinges. 8956A swift-flowing steam does no grow stagnant. 8957Neither sound nor thoughts can travel through a vacuum. 8958Software rots if not used. 8959 8960These are great mysteries. 8961 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 8962% 8963A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age. 8964 -- Addison 8965% 8966A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there 8967*for the rest of your life*. 8968 -- Jim Samuels 8969% 8970A wise man can see more from a mountain top 8971than a fool can from the bottom of a well. 8972% 8973A wise man can see more from the bottom 8974of a well than a fool can from a mountain top. 8975% 8976A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion. 8977 -- Chinese proverb 8978% 8979A witty saying proves nothing. 8980 -- Voltaire 8981% 8982A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets 8983people's attention. 8984% 8985A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to 8986admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact 8987remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one 8988reason or another, completely immune to any direct magical spell. It 8989is for this group of beings that the magician learns the subtleties of 8990using indirect spells. It also does no harm, in dealing with these 8991matters, to carry a large club near your person at all times. 8992 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII 8993% 8994A woman can look both moral and exciting -- if she also looks as if it 8995were quite a struggle. 8996 -- Edna Ferber 8997% 8998A woman can never be too rich or too thin. 8999% 9000A woman did what a woman had to, the best way she knew how. 9001To do more was impossible, to do less, unthinkable. 9002 -- Dirisha, "The Man Who Never Missed" 9003% 9004A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed. 9005 -- Scott 9006% 9007A woman, especially if she have the misfortune 9008of knowing anything, should conceal it as well as she can. 9009 -- Jane Austen 9010% 9011A woman forgives the audacity of which 9012her beauty has prompted us to be guilty. 9013 -- LeSage 9014% 9015A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be 9016thankful for a good one. 9017 -- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings 9018% 9019A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her, 9020she follows. 9021 -- Chamfort 9022% 9023A woman is like your shadow; follow her, 9024she flies; fly from her, she follows. 9025 -- Chamfort 9026% 9027A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to 9028endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. 9029 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 9030% 9031A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times 9032over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of 9033pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door. 9034 -- Stendhal 9035% 9036A woman physician has made the statement that smoking is neither 9037physically defective nor morally degrading, and that nicotine, even 9038when indulged to in excess, is less harmful than excessive petting." 9039 -- Purdue Exponent, Jan 16, 1925 9040% 9041A woman shouldn't have to buy her own perfume. 9042 -- Maurine Lewis 9043% 9044A woman went into a hospital one day to give birth. Afterwards, the doctor 9045came to her and said, "I have some... odd news for you." 9046 "Is my baby all right?" the woman anxiously asked. 9047 "Yes, he is," the doctor replied, "but we don't know how. Your son 9048(we assume) was born with no body. He only has a head." 9049 Well, the doctor was correct. The Head was alive and well, though no 9050one knew how. The Head turned out to be fairly normal, ignoring his lack of 9051a body, and lived for some time as typical a life as could be expected under 9052the circumstances. 9053 One day, about twenty years after the fateful birth, the woman got a 9054phone call from another doctor. The doctor said, "I have recently perfected 9055an operation. Your son can live a normal life now: we can graft a body onto 9056his head!" 9057 The woman, practically weeping with joy, thanked the doctor and hung 9058up. She ran up the stairs saying, "Johnny, Johnny, I have a *wonderful* 9059surprise for you!" 9060 "Oh no," cried The Head, "not another HAT!" 9061% 9062A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. 9063 -- Gloria Steinem 9064% 9065A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. 9066Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish. 9067% 9068A woman's best protection is a little money of her own. 9069 -- Clare Booth Luce, quoted in "The Wit of Women" 9070% 9071A woman's place is in the house... and in the Senate. 9072% 9073A word to the wise is enough. 9074 -- Miguel de Cervantes 9075% 9076A would-be disciple came to Nasrudin's hut on the mountain-side. Knowing 9077that every action of such an enlightened one is significant, the seeker 9078watched the teacher closely. "Why do you blow on your hands?" "To warm 9079myself in the cold." Later, Nasrudin poured bowls of hot soup for himself 9080and the newcomer, and blew on his own. "Why are you doing that, Master?" 9081"To cool the soup." Unable to trust a man who uses the same process 9082to arrive at two different results -- hot and cold -- the disciple departed. 9083% 9084A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call 9085what he writes fiction. 9086 -- William Faulkner 9087% 9088A yawn is a silent shout. 9089 -- G. K. Chesterton 9090% 9091A year spent in artificial intelligence is enough to make one believe 9092in God. 9093% 9094A young girl once committed suicide because her mother refused her a new 9095bonnet. Coroner's verdict: "Death from excessive spunk." 9096 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 13, 1860 9097% 9098A young man and his girlfriend were walking along Main Street when she spotted 9099a beautiful diamond ring in a jewelry-store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to 9100have that!" she gushed. 9101 "No problem," her companion replied, throwing a brick through the 9102window and grabbing the ring. 9103 A few blocks later, the woman admired a full-length sable coat. "What 9104I'd give to own that," she said, sighing. 9105 "No problem," he said, throwing a brick through the window and grabbing 9106the coat. 9107 Finally, turning for home, they passed a car dealership. "Boy, I'd do 9108anything for one of those Rolls-Royces," she said. 9109 "Jeez, baby," the guy moaned, "you think I'm made of bricks?" 9110% 9111A young man enters the New York branch of Tiffany's on a Friday evening and 9112walks up to a display case full of pearl necklaces. He turns to a gorgeous 9113woman, who is obviously windowshopping, looks her straight in the eye and 9114says, "I can tell by your eyes that you really want that necklace. If you'll 9115allow me, I'd like to buy it for you." 9116 The woman looks him up and down; he's wearing a nice suit and some 9117pretty nice jewelry, but she has trouble believing this story. 9118 "Look, this is some kind of put on, right?" 9119 "No, really. You see, I've got quite a lot of money -- so much that 9120I could never spend it all. I'd really like for you to have it." 9121 The guys whips out his checkbook, writes a check for five figures, 9122calls over a clerk and hands it to him. The clerk peers at the check, looks 9123at the young man, looks at the check again. "Very good, sir. I'm afraid I 9124can't release the necklace immediately, would Monday be all right?" 9125 "That'll be fine, she'll pick it up." the man replies, and walks out 9126of the store with the woman following him in a daze. 9127 The next Monday the man comes back in and walks up to the counter. 9128The same clerk hurries over to him and says, "Sir, I'm sorry to have to tell 9129you this, but your check was returned for insufficient funds." 9130 "I know," the man replies. "I just wanted to thank you for a 9131terrific weekend." 9132% 9133A young man wrote to Mozart and said: 9134 9135Q: "Herr Mozart, I am thinking of writing symphonies. Can you give me any 9136 suggestions as to how to get started?" 9137A: "A symphony is a very complex musical form, perhaps you should begin with 9138 some simple lieder and work your way up to a symphony." 9139Q: "But Herr Mozart, you were writing symphonies when you were 8 years old." 9140A: "But I never asked anybody how." 9141% 9142A.A.A.A.A.: 9143 An organization for drunks who drive. 9144% 9145AAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccckkkkkk!!!!!!!!! 9146You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room! 9147% 9148Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. 9149% 9150Abbott's Admonitions: 9151 1: If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know. 9152 2: If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked 9153 the question. 9154 -- Charles Abbot, dean, University of Virginia 9155% 9156Aberdeen was so small that when the family with the car went 9157on vacation, the gas station and drive-in theatre had to close. 9158% 9159Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!) 9160Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace, 9161And saw, within the moonlight in his room, 9162Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom, 9163An angel writing in a book of gold. 9164Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold, 9165And to the presence in the room he said, 9166"What writest thou?" The vision raised its head, 9167And with a look made of all sweet accord, 9168Answered, "The names of those who love the Lord." 9169"And is mine one?" said Abou. "Nay not so," 9170Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low, 9171But cheerly still; and said, "I pray thee then, 9172Write me as one that loves his fellow-men." 9173The angel wrote, and vanished. The next night 9174It came again with a great wakening light, 9175And showed the names whom love of God had blessed, 9176And lo! Ben Adhem's name led all the rest. 9177 -- James Henry Leigh Hunt, "Abou Ben Adhem" 9178% 9179About all some men accomplish in life is to send a son to Harvard. 9180% 9181About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog. 9182% 9183About the only thing we have left that actually 9184discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork. 9185% 9186About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends. 9187 -- Herbert Hoover 9188% 9189About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt 9190ax. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead. 9191 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 9192% 9193Above all else - sky. 9194% 9195Above all things, reverence yourself. 9196% 9197Abraham Lincoln didn't die in vain. He died in Washington, D.C. 9198% 9199Abscond, v.: 9200 To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative 9201 and miss the return train. 9202% 9203Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases 9204great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires. 9205 -- La Rochefoucauld 9206% 9207Absence in love is like water upon fire; 9208a little quickens, but much extinguishes it. 9209 -- Hannah More 9210% 9211Absence is to love what wind is to fire. It extinguishes the small, 9212it enkindles the great. 9213% 9214Absence makes the heart forget. 9215% 9216Absence makes the heart go wander. 9217% 9218Absence makes the heart grow fonder. 9219 -- Sextus Aurelius 9220% 9221Absence makes the heart grow fonder -- of somebody else. 9222% 9223Absence makes the heart grow frantic. 9224% 9225Absent, adj.: 9226 Exposed to the attacks of friends and acquaintances; defamed; 9227slandered. 9228% 9229Absentee, n.: 9230 A person with an income who has had the forethought to remove 9231himself from the sphere of exaction. 9232 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9233% 9234Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it's out of date.) 9235 -- Stafford Beer 9236% 9237Abstainer, n.: 9238 A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a 9239pleasure. 9240 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9241% 9242Abstract: 9243 This study examined the incidence of neckwear tightness among a group 9244of 94 white-collar working men and the effect of a tight business-shirt collar 9245and tie on the visual performance of 22 male subjects. Of the white-collar 9246men measured, 67% were found to be wearing neckwear that was tighter than 9247their neck circumference. The visual discrimination of the 22 subjects was 9248evaluated using a critical flicker frequency (CFF) test. Results of the CFF 9249test indicated that tight neckwear significantly decreased the visual 9250performance of the subjects and that visual performance did not improve 9251immediately when tight neckwear was removed. 9252 -- Langan, L. M. and Watkins, S. M. "Pressure of Menswear on the 9253 Neck in Relation to Visual Performance." Human Factors 29, 9254 #1 (Feb. 1987), pp. 67-71. 9255% 9256Absurdity, n.: 9257 A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own 9258opinion. 9259 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9260% 9261Academic politics is the most vicious and bitter form of politics, 9262because the stakes are so low. 9263 -- Wallace Sayre 9264% 9265Academics care, that's who. 9266% 9267ACADEMY: 9268 A modern school where football is taught. 9269INSTITUTE: 9270 An archaic school where football is not taught. 9271% 9272Accent on helpful side of your nature. Drain the moat. 9273% 9274Accept people for what they are -- completely unacceptable. 9275% 9276ACCEPTANCE TESTING: 9277 An unsuccessful attempt to find bugs. 9278% 9279Accident, n.: 9280 A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of 9281body is better. 9282 -- Foolish Dictionary 9283% 9284Accidentally Shot 9285 Colonel Gray, of Petaluma, came near losing his life a few days ago, 9286in a singular manner. A gentleman with whom he was hunting attempted to 9287bring down a dove, but instead of doing so put the load of shot through the 9288Colonel's hat. One shot took effect in his forehead. 9289 -- Sacramento Daily Union, April 20, 1861 9290% 9291Accidents cause History. 9292 9293If Sigismund Unbuckle had taken a walk in 1426 and met Wat Tyler, the 9294Peasant's Revolt would never have happened and the motor car would not 9295have been invented until 2026, which would have meant that all the oil 9296could have been used for lamps, thus saving the electric light bulb and 9297the whale, and nobody would have caught Moby Dick or Billy Budd. 9298 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 9299% 9300According to a recent and unscientific national survey, smiling is something 9301everyone should do at least 6 times a day. In an effort to increase the 9302national average (the US ranks third among the world's superpowers in 9303smiling), Xerox has instructed all personnel to be happy, effervescent, and 9304most importantly, to smile. Xerox employees agree, and even feel strongly 9305that they can not only meet but surpass the national average... except for 9306Tubby Ackerman. But because Tubby does such a fine job of racing around 9307parking lots with a large butterfly net retrieving floating IC chips, Xerox 9308decided to give him a break. If you see Tubby in a parking lot he may have 9309a sheepish grin. This is where the expression, "Service with a slightly 9310sheepish grin" comes from. 9311% 9312According to all the latest reports, 9313there was no truth in any of the earlier reports. 9314% 9315According to Arkansas law, Section 4761, Pope's Digest: "No person 9316shall be permitted under any pretext whatever, to come nearer than 9317fifty feet of any door or window of any polling room, from the opening 9318of the polls until the completion of the count and the certification of 9319the returns." 9320% 9321According to convention there is a sweet and a bitter, a hot and a cold, 9322and according to convention, there is an order. In truth, there are atoms 9323and a void. 9324 -- Democritus, 400 B.C. 9325% 9326According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath at least 9327once a year. 9328% 9329According to my best recollection, I don't remember. 9330 -- Vincent "Jimmy Blue Eyes" Alo 9331% 9332According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are 9333totally worthless. 9334% 9335According to the obituary notices, a mean and unimportant person never 9336dies. 9337% 9338According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to 9339live in America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came 9340in twenty-fifth. Here in New York we really don't care too much. 9341Because we know that we could beat up their city anytime. 9342 -- David Letterman 9343% 9344Accordion, n.: 9345 A bagpipe with pleats. 9346% 9347Accuracy, n.: 9348 The vice of being right. 9349% 9350Acid -- better living through chemistry. 9351% 9352Acid absorbs 47 times its own weight in excess Reality. 9353% 9354Acquaintance, n.: 9355 A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well 9356enough to lend to. 9357 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9358% 9359Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from coughing. 9360% 9361Acting is not very hard. The most important things are to be able to laugh 9362and cry. If I have to cry, I think of my sex life. And if I have to laugh, 9363well, I think of my sex life. 9364 -- Glenda Jackson 9365% 9366Actor Real Name 9367 9368Boris Karloff William Henry Pratt 9369Cary Grant Archibald Leach 9370Edward G. Robinson Emmanual Goldenburg 9371Gene Wilder Gerald Silberman 9372John Wayne Marion Morrison 9373Kirk Douglas Issur Danielovitch 9374Richard Burton Richard Jenkins Jr. 9375Roy Rogers Leonard Slye 9376Woody Allen Allen Stewart Konigsberg 9377% 9378Actor: "I'm a smash hit. Why, yesterday during the last act, I had 9379 everyone glued in their seats!" 9380Oliver Herford: "Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of 9381 it!" 9382% 9383Actor: So what do you do for a living? 9384Doris: I work for a company that makes deceptively shallow serving 9385 dishes for Chinese restaurants. 9386 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 9387% 9388Actors will happen even in the best-regulated families. 9389% 9390Actresses will happen in the best regulated families. 9391 -- Addison Mizner and Oliver Herford, "The Entirely 9392 New Cynic's Calendar", 1905 9393% 9394Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me. 9395% 9396Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator 9397will be going in the right direction. Proof by induction: 9398 9399N=1. Trivially true, since both you and the elevator 9400 only have one floor to go to. 9401 9402Assume true for N, prove for N+1: 9403 If you are on any of the first N floors, then it is true by the 9404 induction hypothesis. If you are on the N+1st floor, then both you 9405 and the elevator have only one choice, namely down. Therefore, 9406 it is true for all N+1 floors. 9407QED. 9408% 9409Ad astra per aspera. (To the stars by aspiration.) 9410% 9411ADA, n.: 9412 Something you need only know the name of to be an Expert in 9413Computing. Useful in sentences like, "We had better develop an ADA 9414awareness." 9415 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 9416% 9417Adde parvum parvo manus acervus erit. 9418[Add little to little and there will be a big pile.] 9419 -- Ovid 9420% 9421Adding features does not necessarily increase 9422functionality -- it just makes the manuals thicker. 9423% 9424Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later. 9425 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" 9426 9427Whenever one person is found adequate to the discharge of a duty by 9428close application thereto, it is worse execute by two persons and 9429scarcely done at all if three or more are employed therein. 9430 -- George Washington (1732-1799) 9431% 9432Adding sound to movies would be like 9433putting lipstick on the Venus de Milo. 9434 -- Mary Pickford, actress, 1925 9435% 9436Adhere to your own act, and congratulate yourself if you have done 9437something strange and extravagant, and broken the monotony of a 9438decorous age. 9439 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 9440% 9441Adler's Distinction: 9442 Language is all that separates us from the lower animals, 9443 and from the bureaucrats. 9444% 9445Admiration, n.: 9446 Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves. 9447 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9448% 9449Adolescence, n.: 9450 The stage between puberty and adultery. 9451% 9452"Adopted kids are such a pain -- you have to teach them how to look 9453like you ..." 9454 -- Gilda Radner 9455% 9456Adore, v.: 9457 To venerate expectantly. 9458 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9459% 9460Adult, n.: 9461 One old enough to know better. 9462% 9463Adults die young. 9464% 9465Advancement in position. 9466% 9467Advertisements contain the only 9468truths to be relied on in a newspaper. 9469 -- Thomas Jefferson 9470% 9471Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest 9472way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless. 9473 -- Sinclair Lewis 9474% 9475Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket. 9476 -- George Orwell 9477% 9478Advertising may be described as the science of arresting the human 9479intelligence long enough to get money from it. 9480% 9481Advertising Rule: 9482 In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the 9483 reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly, 9484 that it is curable. 9485% 9486Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once. 9487% 9488Advice is a dangerous gift; be cautious about giving and receiving it. 9489% 9490Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic, 9491then at least be aseptic. 9492% 9493African violet: Such worth is rare 9494Apple blossom: Preference 9495Bachelor's button: Celibacy 9496Bay leaf: I change but in death 9497Camellia: Reflected loveliness 9498Chrysanthemum, red: I love 9499Chrysanthemum, white: Truth 9500Chrysanthemum, other: Slighted love 9501Clover: Be mine 9502Crocus: Abuse not 9503Daffodil: Innocence 9504Forget-me-not: True love 9505Fuchsia: Fast 9506Gardenia: Secret, untold love 9507Honeysuckle: Bonds of love 9508Ivy: Friendship, fidelity, marriage 9509Jasmine: Amiability, transports of joy, sensuality 9510Leaves (dead): Melancholy 9511Lilac: Youthful innocence 9512Lilly: Purity, sweetness 9513Lilly of the valley: Return of happiness 9514Magnolia: Dignity, perseverance 9515 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning. 9516% 9517After 35 years, I have finished a comprehensive study of European 9518comparative law. In Germany, under the law, everything is prohibited, 9519except that which is permitted. In France, under the law, everything 9520is permitted, except that which is prohibited. In the Soviet Union, 9521under the law, everything is prohibited, including that which is 9522permitted. And in Italy, under the law, everything is permitted, 9523especially that which is prohibited. 9524 -- Newton Minow, 9525 Speech to the Association of American Law Schools, 1985 9526% 9527After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out. 9528It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life 9529more advanced than the lichen family. 9530 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly 9531 Do" 9532% 9533After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn. 9534% 9535After a while you learn the subtle difference 9536Between holding a hand and chaining a soul, 9537And you learn that love doesn't mean security, 9538And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts 9539And presents aren't promises 9540And you begin to accept your defeats 9541With your head up and your eyes open, 9542With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child, 9543And you learn to build all your roads 9544On today because tomorrow's ground 9545Is too uncertain. And futures have 9546A way of falling down in midflight, 9547After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. 9548So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting 9549For someone to bring you flowers. 9550And you learn that you really can endure... 9551That you really are strong, 9552And you really do have worth 9553And you learn and learn 9554With every goodbye you learn. 9555 -- Veronic Shoffstall, "Comes the Dawn" 9556% 9557After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done. 9558% 9559After all, it is only the mediocre who are always at their best. 9560 -- Jean Giraudoux 9561% 9562After all my erstwhile dear, 9563My no longer cherished, 9564Need we say it was not love, 9565Just because it perished? 9566 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay 9567% 9568After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not 9569for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have 9570simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi. 9571 -- P. J. O'Rourke 9572% 9573After an instrument has been assembled, 9574extra components will be found on the bench. 9575% 9576After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the 9577month than you did before. 9578% 9579After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose 9580names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary 9581Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted 9582many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi 9583Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two 9584different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current 9585developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer 9586attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led 9587to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today, 9588skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously 9589injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it 9590hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact 9591that it sinks like a stone. 9592 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 9593% 9594After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, 9595claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life 9596in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his 9597bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the 9598judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000. 9599 When he was wheeled into the insurance office to collect his check, 9600Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with 9601this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you 9602take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for 9603perjury. Here's the money. What do you intend to do with it?" 9604 "My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to 9605Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes -- 9606where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle." 9607% 9608"After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of 9609the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the 9610cost to others, to win advancement." 9611 -- Norman Thomas 9612% 9613After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK? 9614% 9615After living in New York, you trust nobody, 9616but you believe everything. Just in case. 9617% 9618...[after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles 9619Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years 9620I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors, 9621and vice versa," probably an accurate analysis) was asked whether the 9622Russians might beat the Americans into orbit. "I wouldn't care if they 9623did," he responded. (It was later claimed that Wilson favored the 9624development of the automatic transmission so that he could drive with 9625one foot in his mouth.) 9626 -- Smithsonian's Air&Space Magazine, "The Day the Rocket Died" 9627% 9628After the game the king and the pawn go in the same box. 9629 -- Italian proverb 9630% 9631After the ground war began, captured Iraqi soldiers said any of them caught 9632by superiors wearing a white T-shirt would be executed because of the ease 9633with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags. Some Iraqi soldiers 9634carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white. 9635 -- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991 9636% 9637After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access 9638cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been 9639removed. 9640% 9641After this was written there appeared a remarkable posthumous memoir that 9642throws some doubt on Millikan's leading role in these experiments. Harvey 9643Fletcher (1884-1981), who was a graduate student at the University of Chicago, 9644at Millikan's suggestion worked on the measurement of electronic charge for 9645his doctoral thesis, and co-authored some of the early papers on this subject 9646with Millikan. Fletcher left a manuscript with a friend with instructions 9647that it be published after his death; the manuscript was published in 9648Physics Today, June 1982, page 43. In it, Fletcher claims that he was the 9649first to do the experiment with oil drops, was the first to measure charges on 9650single droplets, and may have been the first to suggest the use of oil. 9651According to Fletcher, he had expected to be co-authored with Millikan on 9652the crucial first article announcing the measurement of the electronic 9653charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan. 9654 -- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles" 9655 9656Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really 9657precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the 9658Nobel Prize in 1923. 9659% 9660After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with 9661the man who said, "No news is good news." In twenty-eight papers, only 9662the rarest kind of luck will turn up more than two or three articles of 9663any interest... but even then the interest items are usually buried 9664deep around paragraph 16 on the jump (or "Cont. on ...") page... 9665 9666The Post will have a story about Muskie making a speech in Iowa. The 9667Star will say the same thing, and the Journal will say nothing at all. 9668But the Times might have enough room on the jump page to include a line 9669or so that says something like: "When he finished his speech, Muskie 9670burst into tears and seized his campaign manager by the side of the 9671neck. They grappled briefly, but the struggle was kicked apart by an 9672oriental woman who seemed to be in control." 9673 9674Now that's good journalism. Totally objective; very active and 9675straight to the point. 9676 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" 9677% 9678After years of research, scientists recently reported that there is, 9679indeed, arroz in Spanish Harlem. 9680% 9681After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER! 9682% 9683Afternoon, n.: 9684 That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the 9685morning. 9686% 9687Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a 9688change. 9689% 9690Against Idleness and Mischief 9691 9692How doth the little busy bee How skillfully she builds her cell! 9693Improve each shining hour, How neat she spreads the wax! 9694And gather honey all the day And labours hard to store it well 9695From every opening flower! With the sweet food she makes. 9696 9697In works of labour or of skill In books, or work, or healthful play, 9698I would be busy too; Let my first years be passed, 9699For Satan finds some mischief still That I may give for every day 9700For idle hands to do. Some good account at last. 9701 -- Isaac Watts (1674-1748) 9702% 9703Against stupidity the very gods Themselves contend in vain. 9704 -- Friedrich von Schiller, "The Maid of Orleans", III, 6 9705% 9706Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill. 9707% 9708Age before beauty; and pearls before swine. 9709 -- Dorothy Parker 9710% 9711Age is a tyrant who forbids, 9712at the penalty of life, all the pleasures of youth. 9713% 9714Age, n.: 9715 That period of life in which we compound for the vices that we 9716still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise 9717to commit. 9718 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9719% 9720Agnes' Law: 9721 Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of. 9722% 9723Agree with them now, it will save so much time. 9724% 9725Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach, 9726Or what's a heaven for ? 9727 -- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto" 9728% 9729Ah, but the choice of dreams to live, 9730there's the rub. 9731 9732For all dreams are not equal, 9733some exit to nightmare 9734most end with the dreamer 9735 9736But at least one must be lived ... and died. 9737% 9738Ah, my friends, from the prison, they ask unto me, 9739"How good, how good does it feel to be free?" 9740And I answer them most mysteriously: 9741"Are birds free from the chains of the sky-way?" 9742 -- Bob Dylan 9743% 9744Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball. 9745% 9746Ah, sweet Springtime, when a young man lightly turns his fancy over! 9747% 9748Ah, the Tsar's bazaar's bizarre beaux-arts! 9749% 9750"Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the 9751Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact 9752that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately 9753unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep 9754up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers." 9755 -- An analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic 9756% 9757Ahead warp factor one, Mr. Sulu. 9758% 9759Ahhhhhh... the smell of cuprinol and mahogany. It 9760excites me to... acts of passion... acts of... ineptitude. 9761% 9762Aim for the moon. If you miss, you may hit a star. 9763 -- W. Clement Stone 9764% 9765Ain't no right way to do a wrong thing. 9766 -- The Mad Dogtender 9767% 9768Ain't nothin' an old man can do for me but 9769bring me a message from a young man. 9770 -- Moms Mabley 9771% 9772"Ain't that something what happened today. One of us got traded to 9773Kansas City." 9774 -- Casey Stengel, informing outfielder Bob Cerv he'd 9775 been traded. 9776% 9777Air Force Inertia Axiom: 9778 Consistency is always easier to defend than correctness. 9779% 9780Air is water with holes in it. 9781% 9782Air, n.: 9783 A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for 9784 the fattening of the poor. 9785 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 9786% 9787Air pollution is really making us pay through the nose. 9788% 9789Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value. 9790 -- Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, 9791 Ecole Superieure de Guerre 9792% 9793Al didn't smile for forty years. You've got to admire a man like that. 9794 -- from "Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman" 9795% 9796Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether 9797machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about 9798as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim. 9799 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 9800% 9801Alas, how love can trifle with itself! 9802 -- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona" 9803% 9804Alas, I am dying beyond my means. 9805 -- Oscar Wilde, as he sipped champagne on his deathbed 9806% 9807ALASKA: 9808 A prelude to "No." 9809% 9810Albert Camus wrote that the only serious question is whether to kill yourself 9811or not. Tom Robbins wrote that the only serious question is whether time has 9812a beginning and an end. Camus clearly got up on the wrong side of bed, and 9813Robbins must have forgotten to set the alarm. 9814 -- Tom Robbins 9815% 9816Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied: "You see, wire 9817telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New 9818York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? 9819And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they 9820receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat." 9821% 9822ALBRECHT'S LAW: 9823 Social innovations tend to the level 9824 of minimum tolerable well-being. 9825% 9826Alcohol, hashish, prussic acid, strychnine are weak dilutions. 9827The surest poison is time. 9828 -- Emerson, "Society and Solitude" 9829% 9830Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life. 9831 -- George Bernard Shaw 9832% 9833Alden's Laws: 9834 (1) Giving away baby clothes and furniture is the major cause 9835 of pregnancy. 9836 (2) Always be backlit. 9837 (3) Sit down whenever possible. 9838% 9839Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall, 9840Aleph-null bottles of beer, 9841 You take one down, and pass it around, 9842Aleph-null bottles of beer on the wall. 9843% 9844Alex Haley was adopted! 9845% 9846Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting 9847for a dial tone. 9848% 9849Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing - and that was 9850the closest our country has ever been to being even. 9851 -- The Best of Will Rogers 9852% 9853Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about. 9854 -- Philippe Schnoebelen 9855% 9856Algebraic symbols are used when you don't know what you're talking about. 9857% 9858Algol-60 surely must be regarded as the most 9859important programming language yet developed. 9860 -- T. Cheatham 9861% 9862ALGORITHM: 9863 Trendy dance for hip programmers. 9864% 9865Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth. 9866% 9867Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of 9868them keeps paying for it. 9869 -- Peggy Joyce 9870% 9871Alimony is like buying oats for a dead horse. 9872 -- Arthur Baer 9873% 9874Alimony is the curse of the writing classes. 9875 -- Norman Mailer 9876% 9877Alimony is the high cost of leaving. 9878% 9879Aliquid melius quam pessimum optimum non est. 9880% 9881Alive without breath, 9882As cold as death; 9883Never thirsty, ever drinking, 9884All in mail ever clinking. 9885% 9886All a man needs out of life is a place to sit 'n' spit in the fire. 9887% 9888All art is but imitation of nature. 9889 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca 9890% 9891All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous. 9892% 9893All bad precedents began as justifiable measures. 9894 -- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of 9895 Catiline", by Sallust 9896% 9897All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely 9898than others. 9899 -- Alan Truscott 9900% 9901All business is based on the mutual trust of one of the parts. 9902 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 9903% 9904All constants are variables. 9905% 9906All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means. 9907 -- Chou En Lai 9908% 9909All extremists should be taken out and shot. 9910% 9911All Finagle Laws may be bypassed by learning the simple art of doing 9912without thinking. 9913% 9914All flesh is grass. 9915 -- Isaiah 40:6 9916Smoke a friend today. 9917% 9918All generalizations are false, including this one. 9919 -- Mark Twain 9920% 9921All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, 9922barely presentable. 9923 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 9924% 9925All Gods were immortal. 9926 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts" 9927% 9928All great discoveries are made by mistake. 9929 -- Young 9930% 9931All great ideas are controversial, or have been at one time. 9932% 9933All heiresses are beautiful. 9934 -- John Dryden 9935% 9936All his life he has looked away... to the horizon, to the sky, 9937to the future. Never his mind on where he was, on what he was doing. 9938 -- Yoda 9939% 9940All hope abandon, ye who enter here! 9941 -- Dante Alighieri 9942% 9943All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. 9944% 9945All I ask of life is a constant and exaggerated sense of my own 9946importance. 9947% 9948All I can think of is a platter of organic PRUNE CRISPS being trampled 9949by an army of swarthy, Italian LOUNGE SINGERS ... 9950% 9951All I kin say is when you finds yo'self wanderin' in a peach orchard, 9952ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas. 9953 -- Kingfish 9954% 9955All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that 9956makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and 9957an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead. 9958 -- Samuel Beckett 9959% 9960All I need to have a good time, 9961Is a reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine. 9962With those three things I don't need no sunshine, 9963A reefer, a woman and a bottle of wine. 9964 9965All I want is to never grow old, 9966I want to wash in a bathtub of gold. 9967I want 97 kilos already rolled, 9968I want to wash in a bathtub of gold. 9969 9970I want to light my cigars with 10 dollar bills, 9971I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills. 9972I want a bottle of Red Eye that's always filled, 9973I like to have a cattle ranch in Beverly Hills. 9974 -- Country Joe and the Fish, "Zachariah" 9975% 9976All I want is a warm bed and a kind word and unlimited power. 9977 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 9978% 9979All intelligent species own cats. 9980% 9981All is fear in love and war. 9982% 9983All is well that ends well. 9984 -- John Heywood 9985% 9986All I've got left on the list of desirable vocations is heiress to the 9987throne of any country in Western Europe and Laurie Anderson. "Be 9988practical", was the choral reply from the dinner table. Well, Laurie 9989Anderson is already Laurie Anderson, but I read an article in Harpers 9990that said there were eleven countries, in the world this is I think, 9991that have queens as sovereign rulers. That's probably my best shot. 9992% 9993All kings is mostly rapscallions. 9994 -- Mark Twain 9995% 9996All laws are simulations of reality. 9997 -- John C. Lilly 9998% 9999All life evolves by the differential survival of replicating entities. 10000 -- Richard Dawkins 10001% 10002All men are mortal. Socrates was mortal. Therefore, all men are 10003Socrates. 10004 -- Woody Allen 10005% 10006All men have the right to wait in line. 10007% 10008All men know the utility of useful things; 10009but they do not know the utility of futility. 10010 -- Chuang Tzu 10011% 10012All men profess honesty as long as they can. 10013To believe all men honest would be folly. 10014To believe none so is something worse. 10015 -- John Quincy Adams 10016% 10017All most men really want in life is a wife, a house, two kids and a car, 10018a cat, no maybe a dog. Ummm, scratch one of the kids and add a dog. 10019Definitely a dog. 10020% 10021All most people ask of life is a constant 10022and exaggerated sense of their own importance. 10023% 10024All most people want is a little more than they'll ever get. 10025% 10026All my friends and I are crazy. 10027That's the only thing that keeps us sane. 10028% 10029All my friends are getting married, 10030Yes, they're all growing old, 10031They're all staying home on the weekend, 10032They're all doing what they're told. 10033% 10034All my life I wanted to be someone; I guess I should have been more 10035specific. 10036 -- Jane Wagner 10037% 10038ALL NEW: 10039 Parts not interchangeable with previous model. 10040% 10041All newspaper editorial writers ever do is come down from 10042the hills after the battle is over and shoot the wounded. 10043% 10044All of the animals except man know that 10045the principal business of life is to enjoy it. 10046% 10047All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs 10048synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to 10049rob a department store... with a pricing gun... She said, "Give me all 10050of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store." 10051 -- Steven Wright 10052% 10053All of the true things I am about to tell you are shameless lies. 10054 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "The Book of Bokonon" 10055% 10056All of us should treasure his Oriental wisdom and his preaching of a 10057Zen-like detachment, as exemplified by his constant reminder to clerks, 10058tellers, or others who grew excited by his presence in their banks: 10059"Just lie down on the floor and keep calm." 10060 -- Robert Wilson, "John Dillinger Died for You" 10061% 10062All other things being equal, a bald man cannot be elected President of 10063the United States. 10064 -- Vic Gold 10065% 10066All parts should go together without forcing. You must remember that the 10067parts you are reassembling were disassembled by you. Therefore, if you 10068can't get them together again, there must be a reason. By all means, do 10069not use a hammer. 10070 -- IBM maintenance manual, 1925 10071% 10072All people are born alike -- except Republicans and Democrats. 10073 -- Groucho Marx 10074% 10075All phone calls are obscene. 10076 -- Karen Elizabeth Gordon 10077% 10078All possibility of understanding is rooted in the ability to say no. 10079 -- Susan Sontag 10080% 10081All power corrupts, but we need electricity. 10082% 10083All programmers are optimists. Perhaps this modern sorcery especially attracts 10084those who believe in happy endings and fairy godmothers. Perhaps the hundreds 10085of nitty frustrations drive away all but those who habitually focus on the end 10086goal. Perhaps it is merely that computers are young, programmers are younger, 10087and the young are always optimists. But however the selection process works, 10088the result is indisputable: "This time it will surely run," or "I just found 10089the last bug." 10090 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" 10091% 10092All programmers are playwrights and all computers are lousy actors. 10093% 10094All progress is based upon a universal innate desire on the part of 10095every organism to live beyond its income. 10096 -- Samuel Butler, "Notebooks" 10097% 10098All science is either physics or stamp collecting. 10099 -- Ernest Rutherford 10100% 10101All seems condemned in the long run 10102to approximate a state akin to Gaussian noise. 10103 -- James Martin 10104% 10105All snakes who wish to remain in Ireland will please raise their right 10106hands. 10107 -- Saint Patrick 10108% 10109All syllogisms have three parts, therefore this is not a syllogism. 10110% 10111All that glitters has a high refractive index. 10112% 10113All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost. 10114% 10115All that is gold does not glitter, 10116Not all those who wander are lost; 10117The old that is strong does not wither, 10118Deep roots are not reached by the frost. 10119From the ashes a fire shall be woken, 10120A light from the shadows shall spring; 10121Renewed shall be blade that was broken, 10122The crownless again shall be king. 10123 -- J. R. R. Tolkien 10124% 10125All the big corporations depreciate their possessions, and you can, 10126too, provided you use them for business purposes. For example, if you 10127subscribe to the Wall Street Journal, a business-related newspaper, you 10128can deduct the cost of your house, because, in the words of U.S. 10129Supreme Court Chief Justice Warren Burger in a landmark 1979 tax 10130decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What 10131if it rains?" 10132 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 10133% 10134All the evidence concerning the universe 10135has not yet been collected, so there's still hope. 10136% 10137All the lines have been written There's been Sandburg, 10138It's sad but it's true Keats, Poe and McKuen 10139With all the words gone, They all had their day 10140What's a young poet to do? And knew what they're doin' 10141 10142But of all the words written The bird is a strange one, 10143And all the lines read, So small and so tender 10144There's one I like most, Its breed still unknown, 10145And by a bird it was said! Not to mention its gender. 10146 10147It reminds me of days of So what is this line 10148Both gloom and of light. Whose author's unknown 10149It still lifts my spirits And still makes me giggle 10150And starts the day right. Even now that I'm grown? 10151 10152I've read all the greats 10153Both starving and fat, 10154But none was as great as 10155"I tot I taw a puddy tat." 10156 -- Etta Stallings, "An Ode To Childhood" 10157% 10158All the men on my staff can type. 10159 -- Bella Abzug 10160% 10161All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most 10162ridiculous ones. 10163 -- La Rochefoucauld 10164% 10165All the really good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow. 10166 -- Grant Wood 10167% 10168All the simple programs have been written. 10169% 10170All the taxes paid over a lifetime by the average American are spent by 10171the government in less than a second. 10172 -- Jim Fiebig 10173% 10174All the troubles you have will pass away very quickly. 10175% 10176All the world's a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed. 10177 -- Sean O'Casey 10178% 10179All the world's a VAX, 10180And all the coders merely butchers; 10181They have their exits and their entrails; 10182And one int in his time plays many widths, 10183His sizeof being _N bytes. At first the infant, 10184Mewling and puking in the Regent's arms. 10185And then the whining schoolboy, with his Sun, 10186And shining morning face, creeping like slug 10187Unwillingly to school. 10188 -- A Very Annoyed PDP-11 10189% 10190All theoretical chemistry is really physics; 10191and all theoretical chemists know it. 10192 -- Richard P. Feynman 10193% 10194All things are possible, except for skiing through a revolving door. 10195% 10196All things are possible, except skiing thru a revolving door. 10197% 10198All things being equal, you are bound to lose. 10199% 10200All things that are, are with more spirit chased than enjoyed. 10201 -- William Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 10202% 10203All this wheeling and dealing around, why, it isn't for money, 10204it's for fun. Money's just the way we keep score. 10205 -- Henry Tyroon 10206% 10207All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. 10208% 10209All warranty and guarantee clauses 10210become null and void upon payment of invoice. 10211% 10212All wars are civil wars, because all men are brothers ... Each one owes 10213infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in 10214which he was born. 10215 -- Francois Fenelon 10216% 10217All we know is the phenomenon: we spend our time sending messages to each 10218other, talking and trying to listen at the same time, exchanging information. 10219This seems to be our most urgent biological function; it is what we do with 10220our lives." 10221 -- Lewis Thomas, "The Lives of a Cell" 10222% 10223All who joy would win Must share it -- 10224Happiness was born a twin. 10225 -- Lord Byron 10226% 10227All your files have been destroyed (sorry). Paul. 10228% 10229All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent 10230upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a 10231visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is 10232informing, stimulating and ennobling. 10233 -- H. L. Mencken 10234% 10235Allen's Axiom: 10236 When all else fails, read the instructions. 10237% 10238Alliance, n.: 10239 In international politics, the union of two thieves who have 10240their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot 10241separately plunder a third. 10242 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10243% 10244All's well that ends. 10245% 10246Almost anything derogatory you could say 10247about today's software design would be accurate. 10248 -- K. E. Iverson 10249% 10250Alone, adj.: 10251 In bad company. 10252 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10253% 10254Also, the Scots are said to have invented golf. Then they had 10255to invent Scotch whiskey to take away the pain and frustration. 10256% 10257alta, v: To change; make or become different; modify. 10258ansa, v: A spoken or written reply, as to a question. 10259baa, n: A place people meet to have a few drinks. 10260Baaston, n: The capital of Massachusetts. 10261baaba, n: One whose business is to cut or trim hair or beards. 10262beea, n: An alcoholic beverage brewed from malt and hops, often 10263 found in baas. 10264caaa, n: An automobile. 10265centa, n: A point around which something revolves; axis. (Or 10266 someone involved with the Knicks.) 10267chouda, n: A thick seafood soup, often in a milk base. 10268dada, n: Information, esp. information organized for analysis or 10269 computation. 10270 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary 10271% 10272Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy, overweight 10273Protestants, today it's open to anybody who owns hideous clothing. 10274 -- Dave Barry 10275% 10276Although it is still a truism in industry that "no one was ever fired for 10277buying IBM," Bill O'Neil, the chief technology officer at Drexel Burnham 10278Lambert, says he knows for a fact that someone has been fired for just that 10279reason. He knows it because he fired the guy. 10280 "He made a bad decision, and what it came down to was, 'Well, I 10281bought it because I figured it was safe to buy IBM,'" Mr. O'Neil says. 10282"I said, 'No. Wrong. Game over. Next contestant, please.'" 10283 -- The Wall Street Journal, December 6, 1989 10284% 10285Although the moon is smaller than the earth, it is farther away. 10286% 10287Although we modern persons tend to take our electric lights, radios, 10288mixers, etc., for granted, hundreds of years ago people did not have 10289any of these things, which is just as well because there was no place 10290to plug them in. Then along came the first Electrical Pioneer, 10291Benjamin Franklin, who flew a kite in a lighting storm and received a 10292serious electrical shock. This proved that lighting was powered by the 10293same force as carpets, but it also damaged Franklin's brain so severely 10294that he started speaking only in incomprehensible maxims, such as "A 10295penny saved is a penny earned." Eventually he had to be given a job 10296running the post office. 10297 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 10298% 10299Although written many years ago, Lady Chatterley's Lover has just been 10300reissued by the Grove Press, and this pictorial account of the 10301day-to-day life of an English gamekeeper is full of considerable 10302interest to outdoor minded readers, as it contains many passages on 10303pheasant-raising, the apprehending of poachers, ways to control vermin, 10304and other chores and duties of the professional gamekeeper. 10305Unfortunately, one is obliged to wade through many pages of extraneous 10306material in order to discover and savour those sidelights on the 10307management of a midland shooting estate, and in this reviewer's opinion 10308the book cannot take the place of J. R. Miller's "Practical 10309Gamekeeping." 10310 -- Ed Zern, "Field and Stream" (Nov. 1959) 10311% 10312Always borrow money from a pessimist; he doesn't expect to be paid back. 10313% 10314Always do right. This will gratify some people and astonish the rest. 10315 -- Mark Twain 10316% 10317Always draw your curves, then plot your reading. 10318% 10319Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out. 10320% 10321Always remember that you are unique. Just like everyone else. 10322% 10323Always run from a knife and rush a gun. 10324 -- Jimmy Hoffa 10325% 10326Always store beer in a dark place. 10327% 10328Always the dullness of the fool is the whetstone of the wits. 10329 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" 10330% 10331Always there remain portions of our heart 10332into which no one is able to enter, invite them as we may. 10333% 10334Always think of something new; this 10335helps you forget your last rotten idea. 10336 -- Seth Frankel 10337% 10338"Always try to do things in chronological order; it's less confusing 10339that way." 10340% 10341Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves. 10342% 10343Ambidextrous, adj.: 10344 Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left. 10345 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10346% 10347AMBIGUITY: 10348 Telling the truth when you don't mean to. 10349% 10350Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy. 10351 -- Charlie McCarthy 10352% 10353Ambition, n.: 10354 An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while 10355 living and made ridiculous by friends when dead. 10356 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 10357% 10358America: born free and taxed to death. 10359% 10360America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up. 10361 -- Oscar Wilde 10362% 10363America, how can I write a holy litany in your silly mood? 10364 -- Allen Ginsberg 10365% 10366America is a melting pot. You know, where those on the bottom get burned, 10367and the scum rises to the top. 10368 -- Utah Phillips 10369% 10370America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort. 10371 -- John F. Kennedy 10372 10373The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not 10374be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but 10375living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil 10376Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so. 10377 -- Senator Adlai E. Stevenson 10378 10379The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that 10380from time to time threaten freedoms everywhere... Indeed, it is difficult 10381to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the 10382Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights 10383of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised 10384by the majority they were at the time. 10385 -- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren 10386% 10387America is the country where you buy a lifetime 10388supply of aspirin for one dollar, and use it up in two weeks. 10389% 10390America may be unique in being a country which has leapt 10391from barbarism to decadence without touching civilization. 10392 -- John O'Hara 10393% 10394America was discovered by Amerigo Vespucci and was named after him, 10395until people got tired of living in a place called "Vespuccia" and 10396changed its name to "America". 10397 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 10398% 10399America works less, when you say "Union Yes!" 10400% 10401American business long ago gave up on demanding that prospective 10402employees be honest and hardworking. It has even stopped hoping for 10403employees who are educated enough that they can tell the difference 10404between the men's room and the women's room without having little 10405pictures on the doors. 10406 -- Dave Barry, "Urine Trouble, Mister" 10407% 10408American by birth; Texan by the grace of God. 10409% 10410American cars are made shoddily... 10411Cars made overseas are far superior. 10412 -- Sen. Barry Goldwater 10413% 10414[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything 10415we allow them short of hanging. 10416 -- Samuel Johnson 10417 10418America is a large friendly dog in a small room. Every time it wags its 10419tail it knocks over a chair. 10420 -- Arnold Toynbee 10421 10422Americans are people who insist on living in the present, tense. 10423% 10424Americans' greatest fear is that America will turn out 10425to have been a phenomenon, not a civilization. 10426 -- Shirley Hazzard, "Transit of Venus" 10427% 10428America's best buy for a quarter is a telephone call to the right person. 10429% 10430Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it. 10431% 10432AMOEBIT: 10433 Amoeba/rabbit cross; it can multiply 10434 and divide at the same time. 10435% 10436Among all savage beasts, none is found so harmful as woman. 10437 -- St. John Chrysostom (304-407) 10438% 10439Among the lucky, you are the chosen one. 10440% 10441An acid is like a woman: a good one will eat through your pants. 10442 -- Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live 10443% 10444An actor's a guy who if you ain't talkin' about him, ain't listening. 10445 -- Marlon Brando 10446% 10447An Ada exception is when a routine gets 10448in trouble and says "Beam me up, Scotty." 10449% 10450An adequate bootstrap is a contradiction in terms. 10451% 10452An age is called Dark not because the light fails to shine, but because 10453people refuse to see it. 10454 -- James Michener, "Space" 10455% 10456An Aggie farmer was lifting his hogs, one by one, up to the branches of 10457his apple trees to graze on the apples. A Texas student walked by and 10458asked him, "Doesn't that take a lot of time?" 10459 Replied the Aggie, "What's time to a hog?" 10460% 10461An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do. 10462 -- Dylan Thomas 10463% 10464An algorithm must be seen to be believed. 10465 -- Donald E. Knuth 10466% 10467An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad 10468to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country. 10469 -- Sir Henry Wotton (1568-1639) 10470% 10471An amendment to a motion may be amended, but an amendment to an amendment 10472to a motion may not be amended. However, a substitute for an amendment to 10473and amendment to a motion may be adopted and the substitute may be amended. 10474 -- The Montana legislature's contribution to the English 10475 language. 10476% 10477An American is a man with two arms and four wheels. 10478 -- A Chinese child 10479% 10480An American scientist once visited the offices of the great Nobel prize 10481winning physicist, Niels Bohr, in Copenhagen. He was amazed to find that 10482over Bohr's desk was a horseshoe, securely nailed to the wall, with the 10483open end up in the approved manner (so it would catch the good luck and not 10484let it spill out). The American said with a nervous laugh, 10485 "Surely you don't believe the horseshoe will bring you good luck, 10486do you, Professor Bohr? After all, as a scientist --" 10487Bohr chuckled. 10488 "I believe no such thing, my good friend. Not at all. I am 10489scarcely likely to believe in such foolish nonsense. However, I am told 10490that a horseshoe will bring you good luck whether you believe in it or not." 10491% 10492An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian 10493about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars. 10494 10495American: "I can't believe you don't have cars here! How do you 10496 get to work?" 10497Russian: "We take the bus, or the subway. We have public 10498 transportation everywhere." 10499A: "Well, how do you go on vacations?" 10500R: "We take the train." 10501A: "Well, what if you want to go abroad?" 10502R: "We don't ever want go abroad." 10503A: "Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?" 10504R: "We take tanks." 10505% 10506An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize 10507the president but is always polite to traffic cops. 10508% 10509An anthropologist at Tulane has just come back from a field trip to 10510New Guinea with reports of a tribe so primitive that they have Tide but 10511not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax. 10512 -- David Letterman 10513% 10514An aphorism is never exactly true; 10515it is either a half-truth or one-and-a-half truths. 10516 -- Karl Kraus 10517% 10518An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat 10519him last. 10520 -- Sir Winston Churchill, 1954 10521% 10522An apple a day makes 365 apples a year. 10523% 10524An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away. 10525% 10526An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it. 10527% 10528An atheist is a man with no invisible means of support. 10529% 10530An atom-blaster is a good weapon, but it can point both ways. 10531 -- Isaac Asimov 10532% 10533An attachment a la Plato 10534for a bashful young potato 10535or a, not too French, french bean 10536must excite your languid spleen. 10537For, if you walk down Picadilly 10538with a poppy or lily 10539in your medieval hand, 10540every one will say, 10541as you walk your flowery way; 10542"If this young man is content, 10543with a vegetable love 10544which would certainly not content me. 10545Why, what a very pure young man 10546this pure young man must be!" 10547 -- W. S. Gilbert, "Patience" 10548 [The subject of the humour is, of course, Oscar Wilde] 10549% 10550An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree 10551murder. "Your Honor, my client is accused of stuffing his lover's 10552mutilated body into a suitcase and heading for the Mexican border. 10553Just north of Tijuana a cop spotted her hand sticking out of the 10554suitcase. Now, I would like to stress that my client is *not* a 10555murderer. A sloppy packer, maybe..." 10556% 10557An authority is a person who can tell you more about something than you 10558really care to know. 10559% 10560An avocado-tone refrigerator would look good on your resume. 10561% 10562An economist is a man who would marry 10563Farrah Fawcett-Majors for her money. 10564% 10565An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff. 10566 -- Adlai Stevenson 10567% 10568An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible. 10569% 10570An efficient and a successful administration manifests 10571itself equally in small as in great matters. 10572 -- Winston Churchill 10573% 10574An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet, 10575in mid-air, on both sides of an issue. 10576 -- Homer Ferguson 10577% 10578An elderly couple were flying to their Caribbean hideaway on a chartered plane 10579when a terrible storm forced them to land on an uninhabited island. When 10580several days passed without rescue, the couple and their pilot sank into a 10581despondent silence. Finally, the woman asked her husband if he had made his 10582usual pledge to the United Way Campaign. 10583 "We're running out of food and water and you ask *that*?" her husband 10584barked. "If you really need to know, I not only pledged a half million but 10585I've already paid them half of it." 10586 "You owe the U.W.C. a *quarter million*?" the woman exclaimed 10587euphorically. "Don't worry, Harry, they'll find us! They'll find us!" 10588% 10589An elephant is a mouse with an operating system. 10590% 10591An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician find themselves in an 10592anecdote, indeed an anecdote quite similar to many that you have no doubt 10593already heard. After some observations and rough calculations the 10594engineer realizes the situation and starts laughing. A few minutes later 10595the physicist understands too and chuckles to himself happily as he now 10596has enough experimental evidence to publish a paper. This leaves the 10597mathematician somewhat perplexed, as he had observed right away that he 10598was the subject of an anecdote, and deduced quite rapidly the presence of 10599humour from similar anecdotes, but considers this anecdote to be too 10600trivial a corollary to be significant, let alone funny. 10601% 10602An engineer is someone who does list processing in FORTRAN. 10603% 10604An English judge, growing weary of the barrister's long-winded 10605summation, leaned over the bench and remarked, "I've heard your 10606arguments, Sir Geoffrey, and I'm none the wiser!" Sir Geoffrey 10607responded, "That may be, Milord, but at least you're better informed!" 10608% 10609An Englishman never enjoys himself, except for a noble purpose. 10610 -- A. P. Herbert 10611% 10612An evil mind is a great comfort. 10613% 10614An excellence-oriented '80s male does not wear a regular watch. He 10615wears a Rolex watch, because it weighs nearly six pounds and is 10616advertised only in excellence-oriented publications such as Fortune and 10617Rich Protestant Golfer Magazine. The advertisements are written in 10618incomplete sentences, which is how advertising copywriters denote 10619excellence: 10620 10621"The Rolex Hyperion. An elegant new standard in quality excellence and 10622discriminating handcraftsmanship. For the individual who is truly able 10623to discriminate with regard to excellent quality standards of crafting 10624things by hand. Fabricated of 100 percent 24-karat gold. No watch 10625parts or anything. Just a great big chunk on your wrist. Truly a 10626timeless statement. For the individual who is very secure. Who 10627doesn't need to be reminded all the time that he is very successful. 10628Much more successful than the people who laughed at him in high 10629school. Because of his acne. People who are probably nowhere near as 10630successful as he is now. Maybe he'll go to his 20th reunion, and 10631they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha." 10632 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 10633% 10634An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future. 10635% 10636...an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and quite often 10637picturesque liar. 10638 -- Mark Twain 10639% 10640An expert is a man who has made all the mistakes which can be made, in a 10641very narrow field. 10642 -- Niels Bohr 10643% 10644An expert is a person who avoids the small errors 10645as he sweeps on to the grand fallacy. 10646 -- Benjamin Stolberg 10647% 10648An expert is one who knows more and more about less 10649and less until he knows absolutely nothing about everything. 10650% 10651An eye in a blue face 10652Saw an eye in a green face. 10653"That eye is like this eye" 10654Said the first eye, 10655"But in low place, 10656Not in high place." 10657% 10658An Hacker there was, one of the finest sort 10659Who controlled the system; graphics was his sport. 10660A manly man, to be a wizard able; 10661Many a protected file he had sitting on his table. 10662His console, when he typed, a man might hear 10663Clicking and feeping wind as clear, 10664Aye, and as loud as does the machine room bell 10665Where my lord Hacker was Prior of the cell. 10666The Rule of good St Savage or St Doeppnor 10667As old and strict he tended to ignore; 10668He let go by the things of yesterday 10669And took the modern world's more spacious way. 10670He did not rate that text as a plucked hen 10671Which says that Hackers are not holy men. 10672And that a hacker underworked is a mere 10673Fish out of water, flapping on the pier. 10674That is to say, a hacker out of his cloister. 10675That was a text he held not worth an oyster. 10676And I agreed and said his views were sound; 10677Was he to study till his head wend round 10678Poring over books in the cloisters? Must he toil 10679As Andy bade and till the very soil? 10680Was he to leave the world upon the shelf? 10681Let Andy have his labor to himself! 10682 -- Chaucer 10683 [well, almost. Ed.] 10684% 10685An honest politician is one who when he is bought will stay bought. 10686 -- Simon Cameron 10687 10688There are honest journalists like there are honest politicians. When 10689bought they stay bought. 10690 -- Bill Moyers 10691% 10692An honest tale speeds best being plainly told. 10693 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 10694% 10695An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these 10696eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as 10697possible. 10698 -- Russell Hoban, "Pilgermann" 10699% 10700An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it. 10701% 10702An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit. 10703 -- Henry Ford 10704% 10705An idle mind is worth two in the bush. 10706% 10707An infallible method of conciliating a tiger 10708is to allow oneself to be devoured. 10709 -- Konrad Adenauer 10710% 10711An intellectual is someone whose mind watches itself. 10712 -- Albert Camus 10713% 10714An interpretation I satisfies a sentence in the table language if and only if 10715each entry in the table designates the value of the function designated by the 10716function constant in the upper-left corner applied to the objects designated 10717by the corresponding row and column labels. 10718 -- Genesereth & Nilsson, "Logical foundations of Artificial 10719 Intelligence" 10720% 10721An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest. 10722 -- Benjamin Franklin 10723% 10724An old man is lying on his deathbed with all his children, grandchildren and 10725great-grandchildren gathered around, teary-eyed at the approaching finale of 10726a deeply loved family member. The old man is in a light coma, and the doctors 10727have confirmed that the waiting will be over within the next twenty-four 10728hours. Suddenly, the old man opens his eyes whispers: "I must be dreaming 10729of heaven... I smell my daughter Lisle's strudel." 10730 "No, no, grandfather, you are not dreaming", he is reassured. 10731"Grandmother is baking strudel right now." 10732 A faint smile crosses the old man's face. "Go and get me a sliver of 10733strudel," he says, "she bakes the finest strudel in the world." 10734 One of the grandchildren is immediately dispatched to honor the old 10735man's request, and, after what seems a long time, he returns empty-handed. 10736 "Did you bring me some of Lisle's strudel?", the old man quavers. 10737 "I'm... I'm very sorry, grandfather, but she says it's for the 10738funeral." 10739% 10740An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience. 10741 -- Don Marquis 10742% 10743An optimist is a man who looks forward to marriage. 10744A pessimist is a married optimist. 10745% 10746An ounce of clear truth is worth a pound of obfuscation. 10747% 10748An ounce of hypocrisy is worth a pound of ambition. 10749 -- Michael Korda 10750% 10751An ounce of mother is worth a ton of priest. 10752 -- Spanish proverb 10753% 10754An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge. 10755% 10756Anarchy may not be a better form of government, 10757but it's better than no government at all. 10758% 10759Anarchy may not be the best form of government, 10760but it's better than no government at all. 10761% 10762And all that the Lorax left here in this mess 10763was a small pile of rocks with the one word, "unless." 10764Whatever THAT meant, well, I just couldn't guess. 10765That was long, long ago, and each day since that day, 10766I've worried and worried and worried away. 10767Through the years as my buildings have fallen apart, 10768I've worried about it with all of my heart. 10769 10770"BUT," says the Oncler, "now that you're here, 10771the word of the Lorax seems perfectly clear! 10772UNLESS someone like you cares a whole awful lot, 10773nothing is going to get better - it's not. 10774So... CATCH!" cries the Oncler. He lets something fall. 10775"It's a truffula seed. It's the last one of all! 10776 10777"You're in charge of the last of the truffula seeds. 10778And truffula trees are what everyone needs. 10779Plant a new truffula -- treat it with care. 10780Give it clean water and feed it fresh air. 10781Grow a forest -- protect it from axes that hack. 10782Then the Lorax and all of his friends may come back!" 10783 -- Dr. Seuss, "The Lorax" 10784% 10785And as we stand on the edge of darkness 10786Let our chant fill the void 10787That others may know 10788 10789 In the land of the night 10790 The ship of the sun 10791 Is drawn by 10792 The grateful dead. 10793 -- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC. 10794% 10795And did those feet, in ancient times, 10796Walk upon England's mountains green? 10797And was the Holy Lamb of God 10798In England's pleasant pastures seen? 10799And did the Countenance Divine 10800Shine forth upon these crowded hills? 10801And was Jerusalem builded here 10802Among these dark satanic mills? 10803 10804Bring me my bow of burning gold! 10805Bring me my arrows of desire! 10806Bring me my spears! O clouds unfold! 10807Bring me my chariot of fire! 10808I shall not cease from mental fight, 10809Nor shall my sword rest in my hand, 10810Till we have built Jerusalem 10811In England's green and pleasant land. 10812 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem" 10813% 10814And do you think (fop that I am) that I could be the Scarlet Pumpernickel? 10815% 10816And ever has it been known that 10817love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation. 10818 -- Kahlil Gibran 10819% 10820And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower. "This," cried the Mayor, 10821"is your town's darkest hour! The time for all Whos who have blood that is red 10822to come to the aid of their country!" he said. "We've GOT to make noises in 10823greater amounts! So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!" Thus he 10824spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and 10825he shouted out, "YOPP!" 10826 And that Yopp... That one last small, extra Yopp put it over! 10827Finally, at last! From the speck on that clover their voices were heard! 10828They rang out clear and clean. And they elephant smiled. "Do you see what 10829I mean?" They've proved they ARE persons, no matter how small. And their 10830whole world was saved by the smallest of All!" 10831 "How true! Yes, how true," said the big kangaroo. "And, from now 10832on, you know what I'm planning to do? From now on, I'm going to protect 10833them with you!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "ME TOO! From 10834the sun in the summer. From rain when it's fall-ish, I'm going to protect 10835them. No matter how small-ish!" 10836 -- Dr. Seuss, "Horton Hears a Who" 10837% 10838And here I wait so patiently 10839Waiting to find out what price 10840You have to pay to get out of 10841Going thru all of these things twice 10842 -- Dylan, "Memphis Blues Again" 10843% 10844And I alone am returned to wag the tail. 10845% 10846And I heard Jeff exclaim, as they strolled out of sight, 10847"Merry Christmas to all -- you take credit cards, right?" 10848% 10849And I heard Jeff exclaim, 10850As they strolled out of sight, 10851"Merry Christmas to all -- 10852You take credit cards, right?" 10853 -- "Outsiders" comic 10854% 10855And I suppose the little things are harder to get used to than the big 10856ones. The big ones you get used to, you make up your mind to them. The 10857little things come along unexpectedly, when you aren't thinking about 10858them, aren't braced against them. 10859 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "The Forbidden Tower" 10860% 10861And I will do all these good works, and I will do them for free! 10862My only reward will be a tombstone that says "Here lies Gomez 10863Addams -- he was good for nothing." 10864 -- Jack Sharkey, The Addams Family 10865% 10866And if California slides into the ocean, 10867Like the mystics and statistics say it will. 10868I predict this motel will be standing, 10869Until I've paid my bill. 10870 -- Warren Zevon, "Desperados Under the Eaves" 10871% 10872And if sometime, somewhere, someone asketh thee, 10873"Who kilt thee?", tell them it 'twas the Doones of Bagworthy! 10874% 10875And if you wonder, 10876What I am doing, 10877As I am heading for the sink. 10878I am spitting out all the bitterness, 10879Along with half of my last drink. 10880% 10881And in the heartbreak years that lie ahead, 10882Be true to yourself and the Grateful Dead. 10883 -- Joan Baez 10884% 10885And it should be the law: If you use the word `paradigm' without knowing 10886what the dictionary says it means, you go to jail. No exceptions. 10887 -- David Jones 10888% 10889And miles to go before I sleep. 10890% 10891And now for something completely the same. 10892% 10893And now your toner's toney, Disk blocks aplenty 10894And your paper near pure white, Await your laser drawn lines, 10895The smudges on your soul are gone Your intricate fonts, 10896And your output's clean as light.. Your pictures and signs. 10897 10898We've labored with your father, Your amputative absence 10899The venerable XGP, Has made the Ten dumb, 10900But his slow artistic hand, Without you, Dover, 10901Lacks your clean velocity. We're system untounged- 10902 10903Theses and papers DRAW Plots and TEXage 10904And code in a queue Have been biding their time, 10905Dover, oh Dover, With LISP code and programs, 10906We've been waiting for you. And this crufty rhyme. 10907 10908Dover, oh Dover, Dover, oh Dover, arisen from dead. 10909We welcome you back, Dover, oh Dover, awoken from bed. 10910Though still you may jam, Dover, oh Dover, welcome back to the Lab. 10911You're on the right track. Dover, oh Dover, we've missed your clean 10912 hand... 10913% 10914And on the eighth day, we bulldozed it. 10915% 10916And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode. 10917% 10918...and report cards I was always afraid to show 10919Mama'd come to school 10920and as I'd sit there softly cryin' 10921Teacher'd say he's just not tryin' 10922Got a good head if he'd apply it 10923but you know yourself 10924it's always somewhere else 10925I'd build me a castle 10926with dragons and kings 10927and I'd ride off with them 10928As I stood by my window 10929and looked out on those 10930Brooklyn roads 10931 -- Neil Diamond, "Brooklyn Roads" 10932% 10933And so it was, later, 10934As the miller told his tale, 10935That her face, at first just ghostly, 10936Turned a whiter shade of pale. 10937 -- Procol Harum 10938% 10939And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and 10940fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it 10941looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One 10942approach is to undergo a painful surgical procedure wherein your skin 10943is turned inside-out, so the young cells are on the outside, but then 10944of course you have the unpleasant side effect that your insides 10945gradually fill up with dead old cells and you explode. So this 10946procedure is pretty much limited to top Hollywood stars for whom 10947youthful beauty is a career necessity, such as Elizabeth Taylor and 10948Orson Welles. 10949 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" 10950% 10951And that's the way it is... 10952 -- Walter Cronkite 10953% 10954And the crowd was stilled. One elderly man, wondering at the sudden silence, 10955turned to the Child and asked him to repeat what he had said. Wide-eyed, 10956the Child raised his voice and said once again, "Why, the Emperor has no 10957clothes! He is naked!" 10958 -- "The Emperor's New Clothes" 10959% 10960And the French medical anatomist Etienne Serres really did argue that 10961black males are primitive because the distance between their navel and 10962penis remains small (relative to body height) throughout life, while 10963white children begin with a small separation but increase it during 10964growth -- the rising belly button as a mark of progress. 10965 -- S. J. Gould, "Racism and Recapitulation" 10966% 10967And the silence came surging softly backwards 10968When the plunging hooves were gone... 10969 -- Walter de La Mare, "The Listeners" 10970% 10971And they shall beat their swords into plowshares, for if you hit a man 10972with a plowshare, he's going to know he's been hit. 10973% 10974And this is a table ma'am. What in essence it consists of is a 10975horizontal rectilinear plane surface maintained by four vertical 10976columnar supports, which we call legs. The tables in this laboratory, 10977ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the 10978world. 10979 -- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men" 10980% 10981And this is good old Boston, 10982The home of the bean and the cod, 10983Where the Lowells talk only to Cabots, 10984And the Cabots talk only to God. 10985% 10986And tomorrow will be like today, only more so. 10987 -- Isaiah 56:12, New Standard Version 10988% 10989And we heard him exclaim 10990As he started to roam: 10991"I'm a hologram, kids, 10992please don't try this at home!'" 10993 -- Bob Violence 10994% 10995And what accomplished villains these old engineers were! What diabolical 10996ways to sabotage they found! Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's 10997Commissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the 10998economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to 10999give advice. One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size 11000of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads. The GPU 11001exposed van Meck, and he was shot: his objective had been to wear out rails 11002and roadbeds, freight cars and locomotives, so as to leave the Republic 11003without railroads in case of foreign military intervention! When, not long 11004afterward, the new People's Commissar of Railroads ordered that average 11005loads should be increased, and even doubled and tripled them, the malicious 11006engineers who protested became known as limiters ... they were rightly 11007shot for their lack of faith in the possibilities of socialist transport. 11008 -- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago" 11009% 11010And... What in the world ever became of Sweet Jane? 11011 She's lost her sparkle, you see she isn't the same. 11012 Livin' on reds, vitamin C, and cocaine 11013 All a friend can say is "Ain't it a shame?" 11014 -- The Grateful Dead 11015% 11016And yet I should have dearly liked, I own, to have touched her lips; to 11017have questioned her, that she might have opened them; to have looked upon 11018the lashes of her downcast eyes, and never raised a blush; to have let 11019loose waves of hair, an inch of which would be a keepsake beyond price: 11020in short, I should have liked, I do confess, to have had the lightest 11021license of a child, and yet been man enough to know its value. 11022 -- Charles Dickens 11023% 11024And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have 11025a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks 11026tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets 11027tragedy face to face, we have politics. 11028 -- Dalglish, Larsen and Sutherland, 11029 "Root Crops and Ground Cover" 11030% 11031And you can't get any Watney's Red Barrel, 11032because the bars close every time you're thirsty... 11033% 11034"And, you know, I mustn't preach to you, but surely it wouldn't be right for 11035you to take away people's pleasure of studying your attire, by just going 11036and making yourself like everybody else. You feel that, don't you?" said 11037he, earnestly. 11038 -- William Morris, "Notes from Nowhere" 11039% 11040Andrea: Unhappy the land that has no heroes. 11041Galileo: No, unhappy the land that _____needs heroes. 11042 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Life of Galileo" 11043% 11044Andrea's Admonition: 11045 Never bestow profanity upon a driver who has wronged you. 11046 If you think his window is closed and he can't hear you, 11047 it isn't and he can. 11048% 11049ANDROPHOBIA: 11050 Fear of men. 11051% 11052Angels we have heard on High 11053Tell us to go out and Buy. 11054 -- Tom Lehrer 11055% 11056Anger is momentary madness. 11057 -- Horace 11058% 11059Anger kills as surely as the other vices. 11060% 11061Animals can be driven crazy by putting too many in too small a pen. 11062Homo sapiens is the only animal that voluntarily does this to himself. 11063 -- Lazarus Long 11064% 11065Ankh if you love Isis. 11066% 11067Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!! 11068 11069Be the envy of other major Communist Governments! 11070 11071Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with 11072just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile ICs, 11073cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all 11074at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans 11075think you can, and that's the point, right?) 11076% 11077Anoint, v.: 11078 To grease a king or other great functionary already 11079sufficiently slippery. 11080 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 11081% 11082Another day, another dollar. 11083 -- Vincent J. Fuller, defense lawyer for John Hinckley, 11084 upon Hinckley's acquittal for shooting President Ronald 11085 Reagan. 11086% 11087Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree. 11088% 11089Another megabytes the dust. 11090% 11091Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but 11092television's message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom 11093and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that 11094offers whiter teeth *___and* fresher breath. 11095 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly 11096 Do" 11097% 11098Another such victory over the Romans, and we are undone. 11099 -- Pyrrhus 11100% 11101Answer a fool according to his folly, lest he be wise in his own conceit. 11102 -- Proverbs 26:5 11103% 11104Anthony's Law of Force: 11105 Don't force it; get a larger hammer. 11106% 11107Anthony's Law of the Workshop: 11108 Any tool when dropped, will roll into the least accessible 11109 corner of the workshop. 11110 11111Corollary: 11112 On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike 11113 your toes. 11114% 11115Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood. 11116Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy. 11117% 11118Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude. 11119% 11120Antonio Antonio 11121Was tired of living alonio 11122He thought he would woo Antonio Antonio 11123Miss Lucamy Lu, Rode of on his polo ponio 11124Miss Lucamy Lucy Molonio. And found the maid 11125 In a bowery shade, 11126 Sitting and knitting alonio. 11127Antonio Antonio 11128Said if you will be my ownio 11129I'll love tou true Oh nonio Antonio 11130And buy for you You're far too bleak and bonio 11131An icery creamry conio. And all that I wish 11132 You singular fish 11133 Is that you will quickly begonio. 11134Antonio Antonio 11135Uttered a dismal moanio 11136And went off and hid 11137Or I'm told that he did 11138In the Antartical Zonio. 11139% 11140Antonym, n.: 11141 The opposite of the word you're trying to think of. 11142% 11143Anxious after the delay, Gruber doesn't waste any time getting the Koenig 11144[a modified Porsche] up to speed, and almost immediately we are blowing off 11145Alfas, Fiats, and Lancias full of excited Italians. These people love fast 11146cars. But they love sport too and no passing encounter goes unchallenged. 11147Nothing serious, just two wheels into your lane as you're bearing down on 11148them at 130-plus -- to see if you're paying attention. 11149 -- Road & Track article about driving two absurdly fast 11150 cars across Europe. 11151% 11152Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts 11153which are unobtainable, and three parts which are still under development. 11154% 11155Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art. 11156 -- Charles McCabe 11157% 11158Any coward can sit in his home and criticize a pilot for flying into a 11159mountain in a fog. But I would rather, by far, die on a mountainside 11160than in bed. What kind of man would live where there is no daring? 11161And is life so dear that we should blame men for dying in adventure? 11162Is there a better way to die? 11163 -- Charles Lindbergh 11164% 11165Any dramatic series the producers want us to take seriously as a 11166representation of contemporary reality cannot be taken seriously as a 11167representation of anything -- except a show to be ignored by anyone 11168capable of sitting upright in a chair and chewing gum simultaneously. 11169 -- Richard Schickel 11170% 11171Any excuse will serve a tyrant. 11172 -- Aesop 11173% 11174Any father who thinks he's all important should remind himself that 11175this country honors fathers only one day a year while pickles get a 11176whole week. 11177% 11178Any fool can paint a picture, but it takes a wise person to be able to 11179sell it. 11180% 11181Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of sense to know 11182how to lie well. 11183 -- Samuel Butler 11184% 11185Any girl can be glamorous; all you have to do is stand still and look 11186stupid. 11187 -- Hedy Lamarr 11188% 11189Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 11190% 11191Any given program will expand to fill available memory. 11192% 11193Any great truth can -- and eventually will -- be expressed as a cliche 11194-- a cliche is a sure and certain way to dilute an idea. For instance, 11195my grandmother used to say, "The black cat is always the last one off 11196the fence." I have no idea what she meant, but at one time, it was 11197undoubtedly true. 11198 -- Solomon Short 11199% 11200Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner. 11201% 11202Any man can work when every stroke of his hand brings down the fruit 11203rattling from the tree to the ground; but to labor in season and out 11204of season, under every discouragement, by the power of truth -- that 11205requires a heroism which is transcendent. 11206 -- Henry Ward Beecher 11207% 11208Any man who hates dogs and babies can't be all bad. 11209 -- Leo Rosten, on W. C. Fields 11210% 11211Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall be 11212liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall 11213be deemed to be a cat. 11214 -- Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London 11215% 11216"Any news from the President on a successor?" he asked hopefully. 11217"None," Anita replied. "She's having great difficulty finding someone 11218qualified who is willing to accept the post." 11219 "Then I stay," said Dr. Fresh. "I'm not good for much, but I 11220can at least make a decision." 11221 "Somewhere," he grumphed, "there must be a naive, opportunistic 11222young whelp with a masochistic streak who would like to run the most 11223up-and-down bureaucracy in the history of mankind." 11224 -- R. L. Forward, "Flight of the Dragonfly" 11225% 11226Any philosophy that can be put in a nutshell belongs there. 11227 -- Sydney J. Harris 11228% 11229Any president should have the right to shoot 11230at least two people a year without explanation. 11231 -- Herbert Hoover, discussing the press 11232% 11233Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until proved innocent. 11234 -- Lazarus Long 11235% 11236Any program which runs right is obsolete. 11237% 11238Any programming language is at its best before it is implemented and used. 11239% 11240Any road followed to its end leads precisely nowhere. 11241Climb the mountain just a little to test it's a mountain. 11242From the top of the mountain, you cannot see the mountain. 11243 -- Bene Gesserit proverb, "Dune" 11244% 11245Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a larger 11246object. 11247% 11248Any stone in your boot always migrates against the pressure gradient to 11249exactly the point of most pressure. 11250 -- Milt Barber 11251% 11252Any sufficiently advanced bug becomes a feature. 11253% 11254Any sufficiently advanced bug is indistinguishable from a feature. 11255 -- Rich Kulawiec 11256% 11257Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from a rigged 11258demo. 11259% 11260Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic. 11261 -- Arthur C. Clarke 11262% 11263Any time things appear to be going better, you have overlooked 11264something. 11265% 11266Any two philosophers can tell each other all they know in two hours. 11267 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. 11268% 11269Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. 11270% 11271Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it. No citizen 11272has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government. 11273 -- J. P. Morgan 11274% 11275Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years 11276organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office. 11277 -- David Broder 11278% 11279Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the 11280sight of a police car is probably parked. 11281% 11282Anybody with money to burn will easily find someone to tend the fire. 11283% 11284Anyone can become angry -- that is easy; but to be angry with the right 11285person, to the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose 11286and in the right way -- that is not easy. 11287 -- Aristotle 11288% 11289Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is 11290supposed to be doing at the moment. 11291 -- Robert Benchley 11292% 11293Anyone can hold the helm when the sea is calm. 11294 -- Publilius Syrus 11295% 11296Anyone can make an omelet with eggs. The trick is to make one with 11297none. 11298% 11299Anyone can say "no." It is the first word a child learns and often the 11300first word he speaks. It is a cheap word because it requires no 11301explanation, and many men and women have acquired a reputation for 11302intelligence who know only this word and have used it in place of 11303thought on every occasion. 11304 -- Chuck Jones (Warner Bros. animation director.) 11305% 11306Anyone stupid enough to be caught by the police is probably guilty. 11307% 11308Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not fully human. At best he 11309is a tolerable subhuman who has learned to wear shoes, bathe and not 11310make messes in the house. 11311 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 11312% 11313Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat. 11314 -- Robert A. Heinlein 11315% 11316Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. 11317 -- Samuel Goldwyn 11318% 11319Anyone who has attended a USENIX conference in a fancy hotel can tell you 11320that a sentence like "You're one of those computer people, aren't you?" 11321is roughly equivalent to "Look, another amazingly mobile form of slime 11322mold!" in the mouth of a hotel cocktail waitress. 11323 -- Elizabeth Zwicky 11324% 11325Anyone who has had a bull by the tail 11326knows five or six more things than someone who hasn't. 11327 -- Mark Twain 11328% 11329Anyone who hates Dogs and Kids Can't be All Bad. 11330 -- W. C. Fields 11331% 11332Anyone who imagines that all fruits ripen at the same time 11333as the strawberries, knows nothing about grapes. 11334 -- Philippus Paracelsus 11335% 11336Anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President 11337should on no account be allowed to do the job. 11338 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 11339% 11340Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think, 11341recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one 11342particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people. 11343 -- Eleanor Roosevelt 11344% 11345Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. 11346 -- Groucho Marx 11347% 11348Anyone who uses the phrase "easy as taking candy from a baby" has never 11349tried taking candy from a baby. 11350 -- Robin Hood 11351% 11352Anything anybody can say about America is true. 11353 -- Emmett Grogan 11354% 11355Anything cut to length will be too short. 11356% 11357Anything free is worth what you pay for it. 11358% 11359Anything is good if it's made of chocolate. 11360% 11361Anything is possible on paper. 11362 -- Ron McAfee 11363% 11364Anything is possible, unless it's not. 11365% 11366Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the 11367price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW" 11368means the price went way up. 11369% 11370Anything that is good and useful is made of chocolate. 11371% 11372Anything that is worth doing has been done frequently. Things hitherto 11373undone should be given, I suspect, a wide berth. 11374 -- Max Beerbohm, "Mainly on the Air" 11375% 11376Anything worth doing is worth overdoing. 11377% 11378Anytime things appear to be going better, you've overlooked something. 11379% 11380Anyway, I keep picturing all these little kids playing some game in this 11381big field of rye and all. Thousands of little kids, and nobody's around -- 11382nobody big, I mean -- except me. And I'm standing on the edge of some crazy 11383cliff. What I have to do, I have to catch everybody if they start to go 11384over the cliff -- I mean if they're running and they don't look where they're 11385going I have to come out from somewhere and catch them. That's all I'd do 11386all day. I'd just be the catcher in the rye. I know it; I know it's crazy, 11387but that's the only thing I'd really like to be. I know it's crazy. 11388 -- J. D. Salinger, "Catcher in the Rye" 11389% 11390Apathy Club meeting this Friday. 11391If you want to come, you're not invited. 11392% 11393Apathy is not the problem, it's the solution. 11394% 11395APHASIA: 11396 Loss of speech in social scientists when asked 11397 at parties, "But of what use is your research?" 11398% 11399Aphorism, n.: 11400 A concise, clever statement. 11401Afterism, n.: 11402 A concise, clever statement you don't think of until too late. 11403 -- James Alexander Thom 11404% 11405APL hackers do it in the quad. 11406% 11407APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of 11408the future for the problems of the past: it creates a new generation of 11409coding bums. 11410 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 11411% 11412APL is a natural extension of assembler language programming; 11413...and is best for educational purposes. 11414 -- A. J. Perlis 11415% 11416APL is a write-only language. I can write programs in APL, but I 11417can't read any of them. 11418 -- Roy Keir 11419% 11420Appearances often are deceiving. 11421 -- Aesop 11422% 11423APPENDIX: 11424 A portion of a book, for which nobody yet has discovered any use. 11425% 11426Applause, n.: 11427 The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool. 11428 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 11429% 11430April is the cruelest month... 11431 -- Thomas Stearns Eliot 11432% 11433Aquadextrous, adj.: 11434 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off 11435with your toes. 11436 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 11437% 11438AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18) 11439 You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. 11440 You lie a great deal. On the other hand, you are inclined to 11441 be careless and impractical, causing you to make the same 11442 mistakes over and over again. People think you are stupid. 11443% 11444AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 to Feb. 18) 11445 A friend will step forward and confide in you about your breath. Rely 11446 on your outgoing personality and winning smile to get you into a lot 11447 of trouble. Be relaxed, things will change. Look for a pink slip on 11448 payday. Stop wetting your bed. 11449% 11450AQUARIUS (Jan.20 - Feb.18) 11451 You are the type of person who never has enough money to do what 11452 you want. Don't expect things to get any better today, either. 11453 As a matter of fact they might get worse. Intensify your 11454 relationship with your bank and any friends you have who might be 11455 able to lend you a few bucks. 11456% 11457Aquavit is also considered useful for medicinal purposes, an essential 11458ingredient in what I was once told is the Norwegian cure for the common 11459cold. You get a bottle, a poster bed, and the brightest colored stocking 11460cap you can find. You put the cap on the post at the foot of the bed, 11461then get into bed and drink aquavit until you can't see the cap. I've 11462never tried this, but it sounds as though it should work. 11463 -- Peter Nelson 11464% 11465Arbitrary systems, pl.n.: 11466 Systems about which nothing general can be said, save "nothing 11467general can be said." 11468% 11469ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE -- 11470 FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE 11471% 11472Are we not men? 11473% 11474Are we running light with overbyte? 11475% 11476Are Women Human? 11477In the year 584, in Lyon, France, 43 Catholic bishops and 20 men 11478representing other bishops, after a lengthy debate, took a vote. 11479The results were 32 yes, 31 no. Women were declared human by one 11480vote. 11481% 11482Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 11483say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 11484 11485 Are you sure you're telling the truth? Think hard. 11486 Does it make you happy to know you're sending me to an early grave? 11487 If all your friends jumped off the cliff, would you jump too? 11488 Do you feel bad? How do you think I feel? 11489 Aren't you ashamed of yourself? 11490 Don't you know any better? 11491 How could you be so stupid? 11492 If that's the worst pain you'll ever feel, you should be thankful. 11493 You can't fool me. I know what you're thinking. 11494 If you can't say anything nice, say nothing at all. 11495% 11496Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 11497say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 11498 11499 Do as I say, not as I do. 11500 Do me a favour and don't tell me about it. I don't want to know. 11501 What did you do *this* time? 11502 If it didn't taste bad, it wouldn't be good for you. 11503 When I was your age... 11504 I won't love you if you keep doing that. 11505 Think of all the starving children in India. 11506 If there's one thing I hate, it's a liar. 11507 I'm going to kill you. 11508 Way to go, clumsy. 11509 If you don't like it, you can lump it. 11510% 11511Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 11512say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 11513 11514 Go away. You bother me. 11515 Why? Because life is unfair. 11516 That's a nice drawing. What is it? 11517 Children should be seen and not heard. 11518 You'll be the death of me. 11519 You'll understand when you're older. 11520 Because. 11521 Wipe that smile off your face. 11522 I don't believe you. 11523 How many times have I told you to be careful? 11524 Just because. 11525% 11526Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 11527say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 11528 11529 Good children always obey. 11530 Quit acting so childish. 11531 Boys don't cry. 11532 If you keep making faces, someday it'll freeze that way. 11533 Why do you have to know so much? 11534 This hurts me more than it hurts you. 11535 Why? Because I'm bigger than you. 11536 Well, you've ruined everything. Now are you happy? 11537 Oh, grow up. 11538 I'm only doing this because I love you. 11539% 11540Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 11541say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 11542 11543 When are you going to grow up? 11544 I'm only doing this for your own good. 11545 Why are you crying? Stop crying, or I'll give you something to 11546 cry about. 11547 What's wrong with you? 11548 Someday you'll thank me for this. 11549 You'd lose your head if it weren't attached. 11550 Don't you have any sense at all? 11551 If you keep sucking your thumb, it'll fall off. 11552 Why? Because I said so. 11553 I hope you have a kid just like yourself. 11554% 11555Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to 11556say in those awkward situations? Worry no more... 11557 11558 You wouldn't understand. 11559 You ask too many questions. 11560 In order to be a man, you have to learn to follow orders. 11561 That's for me to know and you to find out. 11562 Don't let those bullies push you around. Go in there and stick 11563 up for yourself. 11564 You're acting too big for your britches. 11565 Well, you broke it. Now are you satisfied? 11566 Wait till your father gets home. 11567 Bored? If you're bored, I've got some chores for you. 11568 Shape up or ship out. 11569% 11570Are you a turtle? 11571% 11572Are you making all this up as you go along? 11573% 11574"Are you police officers?" 11575"No, ma'am. We're musicians." 11576 -- The Blues Brothers 11577% 11578Are you sure the back door is locked? 11579% 11580"Are you sure you're not an encyclopedia salesman?" 11581No, Ma'am. Just a burglar, come to ransack the flat." 11582 -- Monty Python 11583% 11584Are your glasses mended with a strip of masking tape right over your nose? 11585Do you put pennies in the slots in your penny loafers? 11586Does your bow-tie flash "hey you kid" in red neon at parties? 11587Do you think pizza before noon is unhealthy? 11588Do you use the "greasy kid's stuff" to stick down your cowlick? 11589Do you wear a "nerd-pack" in your shirt pocket to keep the dozen 11590 or so pencils from marking the cloth? 11591Do you think Mary Jane is somebody's name? 11592Is illegal fishing something only a daring criminal would do? 11593Is Batman your hero? Superman? Green Lantern? The Shadow? 11594Do you think girls who kiss on the first date are loose? 11595 11596 Rate yourself on the nerd-o-matic scale. (1 point for each YES answer) 115970-2 -- You are really hip, a real cool cat, a hoopy frood. 115983-5 -- There is hope for you yet. 115996-7 -- Uh-oh, trouble in River City. 116008-10 -- Your immortal soul is in peril. 1160111+ -- Does suicide seem attractive? 11602% 11603Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they're yours. 11604 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul 11605% 11606Arguments are extremely vulgar, for everyone 11607in good society holds exactly the same opinion. 11608 -- Oscar Wilde 11609% 11610Arguments with furniture are rarely productive. 11611 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 11612% 11613ARIES (Mar 21 - Apr 19) 11614 You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You 11615 are quick tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are 11616 not very nice. 11617% 11618ARIES (Mar.21 - Apr.19) 11619 You are a wonderfully interesting, honest, hard-working person 11620 and you should make many new friends, but you won't because you've 11621 got a mean streak in you a mile wide. 11622% 11623ARITHMETIC: 11624 An obscure art no longer practiced in 11625 the world's developed countries. 11626% 11627Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your 11628shoes. 11629 -- Mickey Mouse 11630% 11631Armadillo: 11632 To provide weapons to a Spanish pickle. 11633% 11634Armenians and Azerbaijanis in Stepanakert, capital of the Nagorno-Karabakh 11635autonomous region, rioted over much needed spelling reform in the Soviet 11636Union. 11637 -- P. J. O'Rourke 11638% 11639Armor's Axiom: 11640 Virtue is the failure to achieve vice. 11641% 11642Armstrong's Collection Law: 11643 If the check is truly in the mail, 11644 it is surely made out to someone else. 11645% 11646Arnold's Addendum: 11647 Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in rats. 11648% 11649Arnold's Laws of Documentation: 11650 (1) If it should exist, it doesn't. 11651 (2) If it does exist, it's out of date. 11652 (3) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the 11653 first two laws. 11654% 11655Around computers it is difficult to find the correct unit of time to 11656measure progress. Some cathedrals took a century to complete. Can you 11657imagine the grandeur and scope of a program that would take as long? 11658 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 11659% 11660Around the turn of this century, a composer named Camille Saint-Saens wrote 11661a satirical zoological-fantasy called "Le Carnaval des Animaux." Aside from 11662one movement of this piece, "The Swan", Saint-Saens didn't allow this work 11663to be published or even performed until a year had elapsed after his death. 11664(He died in 1921.) 11665 Most of us know the "Swan" movement rather well, with its smooth, 11666flowing cello melody against a calm background; but I've been having this 11667fantasy... 11668 What if he had written this piece with lyrics, as a song to be sung? 11669And, further, what if he had accompanied this song with a musical saw? (This 11670instrument really does exist, often played by percussionists!) Then the 11671piece would be better known as: 11672 SAINT-SAENS' SAW SONG "SWAN"! 11673% 11674Arrakis teaches the attitude of the knife - chopping off what's 11675incomplete and saying: "Now it's complete because it's ended here." 11676 -- Muad'dib, "Dune" 11677% 11678Art is a jealous mistress. 11679 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 11680% 11681Art is a lie which makes us realize the truth. 11682 -- Picasso 11683% 11684Art is anything you can get away with. 11685 -- Marshall McLuhan 11686% 11687Art is either plagiarism or revolution. 11688 -- Paul Gauguin 11689% 11690Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down. 11691 -- Chazal 11692% 11693"Art" is the ability to separate the significant from the insignificant. 11694 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 11695% 11696Art is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death. 11697% 11698Arthur's Laws of Love: 11699 (1) People to whom you are attracted invariably think you 11700 remind them of someone else. 11701 (2) The love letter you finally got the courage to send will be 11702 delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool of 11703 yourself in person. 11704% 11705Article the Third: 11706 Where a crime of the kidneys has been committed, the accused should 11707 enjoy the right to a speedy diaper change. Public announcements and 11708 guided tours of the aforementioned are not necessary. 11709Article the Fourth: 11710 The decision to eat strained lamb or not should be with the "feedee" 11711 and not the "feeder". Blowing the strained lamb into the feeder's 11712 face should be accepted as an opinion, not as a declaration of war. 11713Article the Fifth: 11714 Babies should enjoy the freedom to vocalize, whether it be in church, 11715 a public meeting place, during a movie, or after hours when the 11716 lights are out. They have not yet learned that joy and laughter have 11717 to last a lifetime and must be conserved. 11718 -- Erma Bombeck, "A Baby's Bill of Rights" 11719% 11720Artificial intelligence has the same relation to intelligence as 11721artificial flowers have to flowers. 11722 -- David Parnas 11723% 11724Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum. 11725% 11726As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing. 11727% 11728As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are 11729interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick 11730perverted disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, 11731"that you make jokes about setting fire to a goat?" ... 11732 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 11733% 11734As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual 11735certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I 11736became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can 11737meet girls. 11738 -- Matt Cartmill 11739% 11740As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing 11741a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker. 11742Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different 11743glass. 11744 The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out 11745with a spoon, flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass. 11746 The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips. With 11747a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer 11748down in one gulp. 11749 Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the 11750fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off. Then, in a 11751firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound. 11752NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!" 11753% 11754As crazy as hauling timber into the woods. 11755 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 11756% 11757As failures go, attempting to recall the past is like trying to grasp 11758the meaning of existence. Both make one feel like a baby clutching at 11759a basketball: one's palms keep sliding off. 11760 -- Joseph Brodsky 11761% 11762As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not 11763certain, and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality. 11764 -- Albert Einstein 11765% 11766As far as we know, our computer has never had an undetected error. 11767 -- Weisert 11768% 11769As flies to wanton boys are we to the gods; they kill us for their sport. 11770 -- William Shakespeare, "King Lear" 11771% 11772As for the women, though we scorn and flout 'em, 11773We may live with, but cannot live without 'em. 11774 -- Frederic Reynolds 11775% 11776As Gen. de Gaulle occasionally acknowledges America to be the daughter 11777of Europe, so I am pleased to come to Yale, the daughter of Harvard. 11778 -- John F. Kennedy 11779% 11780As goatherd learns his trade by goat, so writer learns his trade by wrote. 11781% 11782As he had feared, his orders had been forgotten and everyone had brought 11783the potato salad. 11784% 11785As I argued in "Beloved Son", a book about my son Brian and the subject of 11786religious communes and cults, one result of proper early instruction in the 11787methods of rational thought will be to make sudden mindless conversions -- 11788to anything -- less likely. Brian now realizes this and has, after eleven 11789years, left the sect he was associated with. The problem is that once the 11790untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy -- 11791and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and 11792high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are 11793surprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind. 11794 -- Steve Allen 11795% 11796As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very 11797pleasurable - until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all, but A HUMAN HEAD!! 11798 -- Jack Handey 11799% 11800As I thought, no better from this side. 11801 -- Eeyore 11802% 11803As I was going up Punch Card Hill, 11804 Feeling worse and worser, 11805There I met a C.R.T. 11806 And it drop't me a cursor. 11807 11808C.R.T., C.R.T., 11809 Phosphors light on you! 11810If I had fifty hours a day 11811 I'd spend them all at you. 11812 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes 11813% 11814As I was passing Project MAC, 11815I met a Quux with seven hacks. 11816Every hack had seven bugs; 11817Every bug had seven manifestations; 11818Every manifestation had seven symptoms. 11819Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks, 11820How many losses at Project MAC? 11821% 11822As I was walking down the street one dark and dreary day, 11823I came upon a billboard and much to my dismay, 11824The words were torn and tattered, 11825From the storm the night before, 11826The wind and rain had done its work and this is how it goes, 11827 11828Smoke Coca-Cola cigarettes, chew Wrigleys Spearmint beer, 11829Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear, 11830Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar, 11831And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star. 11832 11833Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigidaire, 11834Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear, 11835Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three, 11836And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea. 11837% 11838As in certain cults it is possible to 11839kill a process if you know its true name. 11840 -- Ken Thompson and Dennis M. Ritchie 11841% 11842As in Protestant Europe, by contrast, where sects divided endlessly into 11843smaller competing sects and no church dominated any other, all is different 11844in the fragmented world of IBM. That realm is now a chaos of conflicting 11845norms and standards that not even IBM can hope to control. You can buy a 11846computer that works like an IBM machine but contains nothing made or sold by 11847IBM itself. Renegades from IBM constantly set up rival firms and establish 11848standards of their own. When IBM recently abandoned some of its original 11849standards and decreed new ones, many of its rivals declared a puritan 11850allegiance to IBM's original faith, and denounced the company as a divisive 11851innovator. Still, the IBM world is united by its distrust of icons and 11852imagery. IBM's screens are designed for language, not pictures. Graven 11853images may be tolerated by the luxurious cults, but the true IBM faith relies 11854on the austerity of the word. 11855 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 11856% 11857As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great 11858industries are secure. We hear about constitutional rights, free 11859speech and the free press. Every time I hear these words I say to 11860myself, "That man is a Red, that man is a Communist". You never hear a 11861real American talk like that. 11862 -- Frank Hague (1896-1956) 11863% 11864As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong? 11865% 11866As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic 11867schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve 11868The Problem, saving the documentation for later. 11869% 11870As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its 11871fascination. When it is looked upon as vulgar, it will cease to be 11872popular. 11873 -- Oscar Wilde, "Intentions" 11874% 11875As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality. 11876One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly 11877useful and interesting, I just had to share it. 11878 11879Answer each of the following items "true" or "false" 11880 11881 1. I salivate at the sight of mittens. 11882 2. If I go into the street, I'm apt to be bitten by a horse. 11883 3. Some people never look at me. 11884 4. Spinach makes me feel alone. 11885 5. My sex life is A-okay. 11886 6. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit. 11887 7. I like to kill mosquitoes. 11888 8. Cousins are not to be trusted. 11889 9. It makes me embarrassed to fall down. 1189010. I get nauseous from too much roller skating. 1189111. I think most people would cry to gain a point. 1189212. I cannot read or write. 1189313. I am bored by thoughts of death. 1189414. I become homicidal when people try to reason with me. 1189515. I would enjoy the work of a chicken flicker. 1189616. I am never startled by a fish. 1189717. My mother's uncle was a good man. 1189818. I don't like it when somebody is rotten. 1189919. People who break the law are wise guys. 1190020. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend. 11901% 11902As many of you know, I am taking a class here at UNC on Personality. 11903One of the tests to determine personality in our book was so incredibly 11904useful and interesting, I just had to share it. 11905 11906Answer each of the following items "true" or "false" 11907 11908 1. I think beavers work too hard. 11909 2. I use shoe polish to excess. 11910 3. God is love. 11911 4. I like mannish children. 11912 5. I have always been disturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears. 11913 6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools. 11914 7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye. 11915 8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs. 11916 9. I believe I smell as good as most people. 1191710. Frantic screams make me nervous. 1191811. It's hard for me to say the right thing when I find myself in a room 11919 full of mice. 1192012. I would never tell my nickname in a crisis. 1192113. A wide necktie is a sign of disease. 1192214. As a child I was deprived of licorice. 1192315. I would never shake hands with a gardener. 1192416. My eyes are always cold. 1192517. Cousins are not to be trusted. 1192618. When I look down from a high spot, I want to spit. 1192719. I am never startled by a fish. 1192820. I have never gone to pieces over the weekend. 11929% 11930As me an' me marrer was readin' a tyape, 11931The tyape gave a shriek mark an' tried tae escyape; 11932It skipped ower the gyate tae the end of the field, 11933An' jigged oot the room wi' a spool an' a reel! 11934Follow the leader, Johnny me laddie, 11935Follow it through, me canny lad O; 11936Follow the transport, Johnny me laddie, 11937Away, lad, lie away, canny lad O! 11938 -- S. Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 11939% 11940As of next Thursday, UNIX will be flushed in favor of TOPS-10. 11941Please update your programs. 11942% 11943As of next Tuesday, C will be flushed in favor of COBOL. 11944Please update your programs. 11945% 11946As of next week, passwords will be entered in Morse code. 11947% 11948As part of an ongoing effort to keep you, the Fortune reader, abreast of 11949the valuable information the daily crosses the USENET, Fortune presents: 11950 11951News articles that answer *your* questions, #1: 11952 11953 Newsgroups: comp.sources.d 11954 Subject: how do I run C code received from sources 11955 Keywords: C sources 11956 Distribution: na 11957 11958 I do not know how to run the C programs that are posted in the 11959 sources newsgroup. I save the files, edit them to remove the 11960 headers, and change the mode so that they are executable, but I 11961 cannot get them to run. (I have never written a C program before.) 11962 11963 Must they be compiled? With what compiler? How do I do this? If 11964 I compile them, is an object code file generated or must I generate 11965 it explicitly with the > character? Is there something else that 11966 must be done? 11967% 11968As part of the conversion, computer specialists rewrote 1,500 programs; 11969a process that traditionally requires some debugging. 11970 -- USA Today, referring to the IRS switchover to a new 11971 computer system. 11972% 11973As some day it may happen that a victim must be found 11974I've got a little list -- I've got a little list 11975Of society offenders who might well be underground 11976And who never would be missed -- who never would be missed. 11977 -- Koko, "The Mikado" 11978% 11979As soon as we started programming, we found to our surprise that it 11980wasn't as easy to get programs right as we had thought. Debugging had 11981to be discovered. I can remember the exact instant when I realized 11982that a large part of my life from then on was going to be spent in 11983finding mistakes in my own programs. 11984 -- Maurice Wilkes discovers debugging, 1949 11985% 11986As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree" -- probably because it's 11987so hard to figure out how to get the bark on. 11988 -- Woody Allen 11989% 11990As the system comes up, the component builders will from time to time appear, 11991bearing hot new versions of their pieces -- faster, smaller, more complete, 11992or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new 11993version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new 11994component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and 11995efficient test cases will usually be available. 11996 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" 11997% 11998As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there 11999is always a future in Computer Maintenance. 12000 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 12001% 12002As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion, 12003as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see; 12004but I apprehend it has received various corrupting Changes, and I have, 12005with most of the present Dissenters in England, some doubts as to his 12006divinity. 12007 -- Benjamin Franklin 12008% 12009As well look for a needle in a bottle of hay. 12010 -- Miguel de Cervantes 12011% 12012As Will Rogers would have said, "There is no such thing as a free 12013variable." 12014% 12015As with most fine things, chocolate has its season. There is a simple 12016memory aid that you can use to determine whether it is the correct time 12017to order chocolate dishes: any month whose name contains the letter A, 12018E, or U is the proper time for chocolate. 12019 -- Sandra Boynton, "Chocolate: The Consuming Passion" 12020% 12021As you grow older, you will still do foolish things, 12022but you will do them with much more enthusiasm. 12023 -- The Cowboy 12024% 12025As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would 12026interfere with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the 12027Wright Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure 12028out how to get their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on 12029Wilbur. "Orville," he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual 12030organs!" You should have seen their original design.] As a result, 12031birds are very, very difficult to arouse sexually. You almost never 12032see an aroused bird. So when they want to reproduce, birds fly up and 12033stand on telephone lines, where they monitor telephone conversations 12034with their feet. When they find a conversation in which people are 12035talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they are both 12036highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant. 12037 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 12038 Teen Should Know" 12039% 12040As you reach for the web, a venomous spider appears. Unable to pull 12041your hand away in time, the spider promptly, but politely, bites you. 12042The venom takes affect quickly causing your lips to turn plaid along 12043with your complexion. You become dazed, and in your stupor you fall 12044from the limbs of the tree. Snap! Your head falls off and rolls all 12045over the ground. The instant before you croak, you hear the whoosh of 12046a vacuum being filled by the air surrounding your head. Worse yet, the 12047spider is suing you for damages. 12048% 12049As you will see, I told them, in no uncertain terms, to see Figure one. 12050 -- Dave "First Strike" Pare 12051% 12052As Zeus said to Narcissus, "Watch yourself." 12053% 12054ASCII: 12055 The control code for all beginning programmers and those who would 12056 become computer literate. Etymologically, the term has come down as 12057 a contraction of the often-repeated phrase "ascii and you shall 12058 receive." 12059 -- Robb Russon 12060% 12061ASCII a stupid question, you get an EBCDIC answer. 12062% 12063ASHes to ASHes, DOS to DOS. 12064% 12065Ashes to ashes, dust to dust, 12066If God won't have you, the devil must. 12067% 12068Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if 12069one went to Harvard). 12070 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 12071% 12072Ask not for whom the Bell tolls, and you 12073will pay only the station-to-station rate. 12074 -- Howard Kandel 12075% 12076Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls. 12077% 12078Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... 12079if thou art in the bathtub, it tolls for thee. 12080% 12081Ask not what's inside your head, but what your head's inside of. 12082 -- J. J. Gibson 12083% 12084Ask your boss to reconsider -- it's so difficult to take "Go to hell" 12085for an answer. 12086% 12087Ask yourself whether you are happy and you cease to be so. 12088 -- John Stuart Mill 12089% 12090"Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old 12091woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, `The way I look at it, 12092she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds.'" 12093 -- David Letterman 12094% 12095Asked how she felt being the first woman to make a major-league team, she 12096said, "Like a pig in mud," or words to that effect, and then turned and 12097released a squirt of tobacco juice from the wad of rum soaked plug in her 12098right cheek. She chewed a rare brand of plug called Stuff It, which she 12099learned to chew when she was playing Nicaraguan summer ball. She told the 12100writers, "They were so mean to me down there you couldn't write it in your 12101newspaper. I took a gun everywhere I went, even to bed. *Especially* to 12102bed. Guys were after me like you can't believe. That's when I started 12103chewing tobacco -- because no matter how bad anybody treats you, it's not 12104as bad as this. This is the worst chew in the world. After this, 12105everything else is peaches and cream." The writers elected Gentleman Jim, 12106the Sparrow's P.R. guy, to bite off a chunk and tell them how it tasted, 12107and as he sat and chewed it tears ran down his old sunburnt cheeks and he 12108couldn't talk for a while. Then he whispered, "You've been chewing this for 12109two years? God, I had no idea it was so hard to be a woman." 12110 -- Garrison Keillor 12111% 12112Asking a working writer what he thinks about critics is like asking a 12113lamp-post how it feels about dogs. 12114 -- Christopher Hampton 12115% 12116Ass, n.: 12117 The masculine of "lass". 12118% 12119Assembly language experience is [important] for the maturity 12120and understanding of how computers work that it provides. 12121 -- D. Gries 12122% 12123Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve. 12124Run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be 12125strengthened. Keep the company of bums and you will become a bum. 12126Hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check 12127and dying broke. 12128 -- Stanley Walker 12129% 12130Astrology... just a bunch of Taurus. 12131% 12132Asynchronous inputs are at the root of our race problems. 12133 -- D. Winker and F. Prosser 12134% 12135"At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los 12136Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head 12137under the exhaust of a bus until he revived." 12138% 12139At about 2500 A.D., humankind discovers a computer problem that *must* be 12140solved. The only difficulty is that the problem is NP complete and will 12141take thousands of years even with the latest optical biologic technology 12142available. The best computer scientists sit down to think up some solution. 12143In great dismay, one of the C.S. people tells her husband about it. There 12144is only one solution, he says. Remember physics 103, Modern Physics, general 12145relativity and all. She replies, "What does that have to do with solving 12146a computer problem?" 12147 "Remember the twin paradox?" 12148 After a few minutes, she says, "I could put the computer on a very 12149fast machine and the computer would have just a few minutes to calculate but 12150that is the exact opposite of what we want... Of course! Leave the 12151computer here, and accelerate the earth!" 12152 The problem was so important that they did exactly that. When 12153the earth came back, they were presented with the answer: 12154 12155 IEH032 Error in JOB Control Card. 12156% 12157At any given moment, an arrow must be either where it is or where it is 12158not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where 12159it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest. 12160 -- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow 12161% 12162At ebb tide I wrote a line upon the sand, and gave it all my heart and all 12163my soul. At flood tide I returned to read what I had inscribed and found my 12164ignorance upon the shore. 12165 -- Kahlil Gibran 12166% 12167At first, I just did it on weekends. With a few friends, you know... 12168We never wanted to hurt anyone. The girls loved it. We'd all sit 12169around the computer and do a little UNIX. It was just a kick. At 12170least that's what we thought. Then it got worse. 12171 12172It got so I'd have to do some UNIX during the weekdays. After a 12173while, I couldn't even wake up in the morning without having that 12174crave to go do UNIX. Then it started affecting my job. I would just 12175have to do it during my break. Maybe a `grep' or two, maybe a little 12176`more'. I eventually started doing UNIX just to get through the day. 12177Of course, it screwed up my mind so much that I couldn't even 12178function as a normal person. 12179 12180I'm lucky today, I've overcome my UNIX problem. It wasn't easy. If 12181you're smart, just don't start. Remember, if any weirdo offers you 12182some UNIX, 12183 12184 Just Say No! 12185% 12186At first sight, the idea of any rules or principles being superimposed on 12187the creative mind seems more likely to hinder than to help, but this is 12188quite untrue in practice. Disciplined thinking focuses inspiration rather 12189than blinkers it. 12190 -- G. L. Glegg, "The Design of Design" 12191% 12192At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial 12193challenge roughly comparable to herding cats. 12194 -- "The Washington Post Magazine", June 9, 1985 12195% 12196At last I've found the girl of my dreams. Last night she said to me, 12197"Once more, Strange, and this time *I'll* be Donnie and *you* be Marie. 12198 -- Strange de Jim 12199% 12200"At least they're ___________EXPERIENCED incompetents" 12201% 12202At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his 12203thumb with a hammer. 12204 -- Marshall Lumsden 12205% 12206At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement, 12207especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously 12208-- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being 12209in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching 12210after fact and reason. 12211 -- John Keats 12212% 12213At social gatherings, I would amuse everyone by standing uponst the 12214coffee table and striking meself repeatedly upon the head with a brick. 12215 -- H. R. Gumby 12216% 12217At the end of your life there'll be a good rest, 12218and no further activities are scheduled. 12219% 12220At the foot of the mountain, thunder: 12221The image of Providing Nourishment. 12222Thus the superior man is careful of his words 12223And temperate in eating and drinking. 12224% 12225At the heart of science is an essential tension between two seemingly 12226contradictory attitudes -- an openness to new ideas, no matter how bizarre 12227or counterintuitive they may be, and the most ruthless skeptical scrutiny 12228of all ideas, old and new. This is how deep truths are winnowed from deep 12229nonsense. Of course, scientists make mistakes in trying to understand the 12230world, but there is a built-in error-correcting mechanism: The collective 12231enterprise of creative thinking and skeptical thinking together keeps the 12232field on track. 12233 -- Carl Sagan, "The Fine Art of Baloney Detection" 12234% 12235At the hospital, a doctor is training an intern on how to announce bad news 12236to the patients. The doctor tells the intern "This man in 305 is going to 12237die in six months. Go in and tell him." The intern boldly walks into the 12238room, over to the man's bedside and tells him "Seems like you're gonna die!" 12239The man has a heart attack and is rushed into surgery on the spot. The doctor 12240grabs the intern and screams at him, "What!?!? are you some kind of moron? 12241You've got to take it easy, work your way up to the subject. Now this man in 12242213 has about a week to live. Go in and tell him, but, gently, you hear me, 12243gently!" 12244 The intern goes softly into the room, humming to himself, cheerily 12245opens the drapes to let the sun in, walks over to the man's bedside, fluffs 12246his pillow and wishes him a "Good morning!" "Wonderful day, no? Say... 12247guess who's going to die soon!" 12248% 12249At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will 12250find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on 12251the computer. 12252% 12253At these prices, I lose money -- but I make it up in volume. 12254 -- Peter G. Alaquon 12255% 12256At times discretion should be thrown aside, 12257and with the foolish we should play the fool. 12258 -- Menander 12259% 12260At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the 12261number of pens that person is carrying. 12262% 12263Atheism is a non-prophet organization. 12264% 12265ATLANTA: 12266 An entire city surrounded by an airport. 12267% 12268Atlanta makes it against the law to tie a giraffe to a telephone pole 12269or street lamp. 12270% 12271Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason. 12272 -- Winston Churchill 12273% 12274Attorney General Edwin Meese III explained why the Supreme Court's Miranda 12275decision (holding that subjects have a right to remain silent and have a 12276lawyer present during questioning) is unnecessary: "You don't have many 12277suspects who are innocent of a crime. That's contradictory. If a person 12278is innocent of a crime, then he is not a suspect." 12279 -- U.S. News and World Report, 10/14/85 12280% 12281AUCTION: 12282 A gyp off the old block. 12283% 12284Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity. 12285 -- G. J. Danton 12286% 12287audiophile, n: 12288 Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music. 12289% 12290Auribus teneo lupum. 12291[I hold a wolf by the ears.] 12292% 12293AUTHENTIC: 12294 Indubitably true, in somebody's opinion. 12295% 12296Authors (and perhaps columnists) eventually rise to the top of whatever 12297depths they were once able to plumb. 12298 -- Stanley Kaufman 12299% 12300Authors are easy to get on with -- if you're fond of children. 12301 -- Michael Joseph, "Observer" 12302% 12303Automobile, n.: 12304 A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down pedestrians. 12305% 12306Avec! 12307% 12308Avert misunderstanding by calm, poise, and balance. 12309% 12310Avoid cliches like the plague. 12311They're a dime a dozen. 12312% 12313Avoid gunfire in the bathroom tonight. 12314% 12315Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep. 12316 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 12317% 12318Avoid reality at all costs. 12319% 12320Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but 12321we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you. 12322 -- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student 12323% 12324Avoid strange women and temporary variables. 12325% 12326Awash with unfocused desire, Everett twisted the lobe of his one remaining 12327ear and felt the presence of somebody else behind him, which caused terror 12328to push through his nervous system like a flash flood roaring down the 12329mid-fork of the Feather River before the completion of the Oroville Dam 12330in 1959. 12331 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton 12332 bad fiction contest 12333% 12334[Babe] Ruth made a big mistake when he gave up pitching. 12335 -- Tris Speaker, 1921 12336% 12337Bacchus, n.: 12338 A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for 12339getting drunk. 12340 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 12341% 12342BACHELOR: 12343 A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free. 12344% 12345BACHELOR: 12346 A man who chases women and never Mrs. one. 12347% 12348Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears 12349that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations. Foreign 12350correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were 12351invaded. They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the 12352West and the Soviets invade from the East? Who will you fight first?" 12353 To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first. 12354Business before pleasure." 12355% 12356Back in the early 60's, touch tone phones only had 10 buttons. Some 12357military versions had 16, while the 12 button jobs were used only by people 12358who had "diva" (digital inquiry, voice answerback) systems -- mainly banks. 12359Since in those days, only Western Electric made "data sets" (modems) the 12360problems of terminology were all Bell System. We used to struggle with 12361written descriptions of dial pads that were unfamiliar to most people 12362(most phones were rotary then.) Partly in jest, some AT&T engineering 12363types (there was no marketing in the good old days, which is why they were 12364the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote 12365the "pound sign." Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out. It 12366never really caught on. 12367% 12368Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere, 12369uphill both ways and it was always snowing. 12370% 12371BACKWARD CONDITIONING: 12372 Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring. 12373% 12374Bacon's not the only thing that's cured by hanging from a string. 12375% 12376BAD CRAZINESS, MAN!!! 12377% 12378Bad men live that they may eat and drink, 12379whereas good men eat and drink that they may live. 12380 -- Socrates 12381% 12382Bagbiter: 12383 1. n.; Equipment or program that fails, usually 12384intermittently. 2. adj.: Failing hardware or software. "This 12385bagbiting system won't let me get out of spacewar." Usage: verges on 12386obscenity. Grammatically separable; one may speak of "biting the 12387bag". Synonyms: LOSER, LOSING, CRETINOUS, BLETCHEROUS, BARFUCIOUS, 12388CHOMPER, CHOMPING. 12389% 12390Bagdikian's Observation: 12391 Trying to be a first-rate reporter on the average American 12392newspaper is like trying to play Bach's "St. Matthew Passion" on a 12393ukulele. 12394% 12395Bahdges? We don't need no stinkin' bahdges! 12396 -- "The Treasure of Sierra Madre" 12397% 12398Baker's First Law of Federal Geometry: 12399 A block grant is a solid mass of money surrounded on all sides 12400by governors. 12401% 12402BALLISTOPHOBIA: 12403 Fear of bullets; 12404OTOPHOBIA: 12405 Fear of opening one's eyes. 12406PECCATOPHOBIA: 12407 Fear of sinning. 12408TAPHEPHOBIA: 12409 Fear of being buried alive. 12410SITOPHOBIA: 12411 Fear of food. 12412TRICHOPHOBIA: 12413 Fear of hair. 12414VESTIPHOBIA: 12415 Fear of clothing. 12416% 12417BALTIMORE: 12418 A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp. 12419% 12420Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare. 12421% 12422Banacek's Eighteenth Polish Proverb: 12423 The hippo has no sting, but the wise 12424 man would rather be sat upon by the bee. 12425% 12426Banectomy, n.: 12427 The removal of bruises on a banana. 12428 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 12429% 12430Bank error in your favor. Collect $200. 12431% 12432Barach's Rule: 12433 An alcoholic is a person who drinks more than his own 12434physician. 12435% 12436Barbara's Rules of Bitter Experience: 12437 (1) When you empty a drawer for his clothes 12438 and a shelf for his toiletries, the relationship ends. 12439 (2) When you finally buy pretty stationary 12440 to continue the correspondence, he stops writing. 12441% 12442Bare feet magnetize sharp metal objects so they point upward from the 12443floor -- especially in the dark. 12444% 12445Barker's Proof: 12446 Proofreading is more effective after publication. 12447% 12448Barometer, n.: 12449 An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we 12450are having. 12451 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 12452% 12453Barth's Distinction: 12454 There are two types of people: those who divide people into two 12455types, and those who don't. 12456% 12457Baruch's Observation: 12458 If all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. 12459% 12460Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers. 12461 -- Tom Lehrer 12462% 12463Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high 12464taxes. 12465 -- Will Rogers 12466% 12467Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think 12468Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today? 12469 12470 (1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War. 12471 (2) Advising the President. 12472 (3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin. 12473 -- David Letterman 12474% 12475Basic Definitions of Science: 12476 If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. 12477 If it stinks, it's chemistry. 12478 If it doesn't work, it's physics. 12479% 12480Basic is a high level languish. 12481APL is a high level anguish. 12482% 12483BASIC is the Computer Science equivalent of "Scientific Creationism." 12484% 12485BASIC is to computer programming as QWERTY is to typing. 12486 -- Seymour Papert 12487% 12488BASIC, n.: 12489 A programming language. Related to certain social diseases in 12490that those who have it will not admit it in polite company. 12491% 12492Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd 12493come in and sink my boats. 12494 -- Woody Allen 12495% 12496Bathquake, n.: 12497 The violent quake that rattles the entire house when the water 12498faucet is turned on to a certain point. 12499 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 12500% 12501Batteries not included. 12502% 12503Battle, n.: 12504 A method of untying with the teeth a political knot that 12505 will not yield to the tongue. 12506 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 12507% 12508Be a better psychiatrist and the world 12509will beat a psychopath to your door. 12510% 12511BE A LOOF! (There has been a recent population explosion of lerts.) 12512% 12513BE ALERT!!!! (The world needs more lerts ...) 12514% 12515Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most Souls would scarcely 12516get your Feet wet. Fall not in Love, therefore: it will stick to your 12517face. 12518 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 12519% 12520Be both a speaker of words and a doer of deeds. 12521 -- Homer 12522% 12523Be braver -- you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps. 12524% 12525Be careful! Is it classified? 12526% 12527Be careful! UGLY strikes 9 out of 10! 12528% 12529Be careful how you get yourself involved with persons or 12530situations that can't bear inspection. 12531% 12532Be careful of reading health books, you might die of a misprint. 12533 -- Mark Twain 12534% 12535Be careful what you set your heart on -- for it will surely be yours. 12536 -- James Baldwin, "Nobody Knows My Name" 12537% 12538Be careful when a loop exits to the same place from side and bottom. 12539% 12540Be careful when you bite into your hamburger. 12541 -- Derek Bok 12542% 12543Be cautious in your daily affairs. 12544% 12545Be cheerful while you are alive. 12546 -- Phathotep, 24th Century B.C. 12547% 12548Be circumspect in your liaisons with women. It is better 12549to be seen at the opera with a man than at mass with a woman. 12550 -- De Maintenon 12551% 12552Be different: conform. 12553% 12554Be frank and explicit with your lawyer ... it is his business to confuse 12555the issue afterwards. 12556% 12557Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! 12558Things won't get any better so get used to it. 12559% 12560Be incomprehensible. If they can't understand, they can't disagree. 12561% 12562Be independent. 12563Insult a rich relative today. 12564% 12565Be it our wealth, our jobs, or even our homes; 12566nothing is safe while the legislature is in session. 12567% 12568Be nice to people on the way up, because you'll meet them on your way down. 12569 -- Wilson Mizner 12570% 12571Be not anxious about what you have, but about what you are. 12572 -- Pope St. Gregory I 12573% 12574Be open to other people -- they may enrich your dream. 12575% 12576Be prepared to accept sacrifices. 12577Vestal virgins aren't all that bad. 12578% 12579Be regular and orderly in your life, so that you may be violent 12580and original in your work. 12581 -- Flaubert 12582% 12583Be security conscious -- National Defense is at stake. 12584% 12585Be self-reliant and your success is assured. 12586% 12587Be sociable. 12588Speak to the person next to you in the unemployment line tomorrow. 12589% 12590Be sure to evaluate the bird-hand/bush ratio. 12591% 12592Be valiant, but not too venturous. 12593Let thy attire be comely, but not costly. 12594 -- John Lyly 12595% 12596Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax collectors and 12597miss 12598 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 12599% 12600Beam me up, Scotty! 12601% 12602Beam me up, Scotty! It ate my phaser! 12603% 12604Beam me up, Scotty, there's no intelligent life down here! 12605% 12606Beat your son every day; you may not know why, but he will. 12607% 12608BEAUTY: 12609 What's in your eye when you have a bee in your hand. 12610% 12611Beauty and harmony are as necessary to you as the very breath of life. 12612% 12613Beauty, brains, availability, personality; pick any two. 12614% 12615Beauty is one of the rare things which does not lead to doubt of God. 12616 -- Jean Anouilh 12617% 12618Beauty is truth, truth beauty, that is all 12619Ye know on earth, and all ye need to know. 12620 -- John Keats 12621% 12622Beauty may be skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone. 12623 -- Redd Foxx 12624% 12625Because I do, 12626Because I do not hope, 12627Because I do not hope to survive 12628Injustice from the Palace, death from the air, 12629Because I do, only do, 12630I continue... 12631 -- T. S. Pynchon 12632% 12633Because the wine remembers. 12634% 12635Because we don't think about future generations, 12636they will never forget us. 12637 -- Henrik Tikkanen 12638% 12639Been through hell? 12640What did you bring back for me? 12641% 12642Been Transferred Lately? 12643% 12644Beer -- it's not just for breakfast anymore. 12645% 12646Beer & Pretzels -- Breakfast of Champions. 12647% 12648Bees are very busy souls 12649They have no time for birth controls 12650And that is why in times like these 12651There are so many Sons of Bees. 12652% 12653Before borrowing money from a friend, decide which you need more. 12654 -- Addison H. Hallock 12655% 12656Before destruction a man's heart is 12657haughty, but humility goes before honour. 12658 -- Psalms 18:12 12659% 12660...before I could come to any conclusion it occurred to me that my speech 12661or my silence, indeed any action of mine, would be a mere futility. What 12662did it matter what anyone knew or ignored? What did it matter who was 12663manager? One gets sometimes such a flash of insight. The essentials of 12664this affair lay deep under the surface, beyond my reach, and beyond my 12665power of meddling. 12666 -- Joseph Conrad 12667% 12668Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone. 12669% 12670Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage 12671they are "Let's eat out." 12672% 12673Before really embarking on a sizeable project, in particular before 12674starting the large investment of coding, try to kill the project 12675first. 12676 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, EWD1308 12677% 12678Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego. 12679% 12680Before you ask more questions, think about whether 12681you really want to know the answers. 12682 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Claw of the Conciliator" 12683% 12684Begathon, n.: 12685 A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so 12686you won't have to watch commercials. 12687% 12688Beggar to well-dressed businessman: 12689 "Could you spare $20.95 for a fifth of Chivas?" 12690% 12691Beggars should be no choosers. 12692 -- John Heywood 12693% 12694Behind every argument is someone's ignorance. 12695% 12696Behind every great computer sits a skinny little geek. 12697% 12698Behind every successful man you'll find a woman with nothing to wear. 12699% 12700Behold the fool saith, "Put not all thine eggs in the one basket" -- which 12701is but a manner of saying, "Scatter your money and your attention"; but 12702the wise man saith, "Put all your eggs in the one basket and -- watch that 12703basket!" 12704 -- Mark Twain 12705% 12706Behold the unborn foetus and 12707 Weep salt tears crocodilian; 12708All life is sacred (save, of course, 12709 An enemy civilian). 12710% 12711Behold the warranty -- the bold print 12712giveth and the fine print taketh away. 12713% 12714Beifeld's Principle: 12715 The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and 12716receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is 12717already in the company of: (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a better 12718looking and richer male friend. 12719% 12720Being a mime means never having to say you're sorry. 12721% 12722Being a miner, as soon as you're too old and tired and sick and 12723stupid to do your job properly, you have to go, where the very 12724opposite applies with the judges. 12725 -- Beyond the Fringe 12726% 12727Being a woman is a terribly difficult trade, 12728since it consists principally of dealings with men. 12729 -- Conrad 12730% 12731Being asked solicitously about the state of her health was becoming bothersome 12732to the pregnant woman at the cocktail party. And yet another guest went over 12733and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?" 12734 "Not too well," said the expectant mother. "You know, I've missed 12735seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me." 12736% 12737Being conservative has never been regarded as old-fashioned. But 12738if you fight for a sensible step in the right direction which others 12739has deserted you will be branded "reactionary". 12740 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 12741% 12742"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff> 12743% 12744Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real 12745disasters in life begin when you get what you want. 12746% 12747Being in politics is like being a football coach. You have to be smart 12748enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important. 12749 -- Eugene McCarthy 12750% 12751Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the 12752Boy Scouts have adult supervision. 12753 -- Blake Clark 12754% 12755Being owned by someone used to be called 12756slavery -- now it's called commitment. 12757% 12758Being popular is important. Otherwise people might not like you. 12759% 12760Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to 12761standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons. 12762 -- unnamed Justice Department official 12763% 12764Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet. 12765% 12766belief, n: 12767 Something you do not believe. 12768% 12769Believe everything you hear about the world; nothing is too 12770impossibly bad. 12771 -- Honore de Balzac 12772% 12773Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone. 12774% 12775Ben, why didn't you tell me? 12776 -- Luke Skywalker 12777% 12778Bennett's Laws of Horticulture: 12779 (1) Houses are for people to live in. 12780 (2) Gardens are for plants to live in. 12781 (3) There is no such thing as a houseplant. 12782% 12783Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence. 12784 -- Time Bandits 12785% 12786Benson's Dogma: 12787 ASCII is our god, and Unix is his profit. 12788% 12789Berkeley had what we called "copycenter," which is "take it down 12790to the copy center and make as many copies as you want." 12791 -- Kirk McKusick 12792% 12793Bernard Shaw is an excellent man; he has not an enemy in the world, and 12794none of his friends like him either. 12795 -- Oscar Wilde 12796% 12797Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk. He'd been 12798transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival. Founded in 12799Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination of MBH by non-WASPs had taken 12800place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental 12801surgeon, and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew. Yet, 12802MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment District. 12803For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish." It was 12804rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was curious: 12805"Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you told them, 12806after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here. Why?" 12807 "I rilly don't know," said Bernard. 12808 "Was it the doctors there? The doctors you didn't like?" 12809 "The doctus? Nah, the doctus I can't complain." 12810 "The test or the room?" 12811 "The tests or the room? Vell, nah, about them I can't complain." 12812 "The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no. 12813Fats laughed and said, "Listen, Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this 12814great workup, and when I asked you shy you came to the House of God, all you 12815tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.' So why did you come here? Why, Bernie, 12816why?" 12817 "Vhy I come heah? Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain." 12818 -- House of God 12819% 12820Bershere's Formula for Failure: 12821 There are only two kinds of people who fail: those who 12822 listen to nobody... and those who listen to everybody. 12823% 12824Besides the device, the box should contain: 12825 * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING" 12826 * A plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets 12827 and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns. 12828 12829YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable. 12830 12831IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING: You IMMEDIATELY should turn to your 12832spouse and say: "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a car 12833that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King 12834without a major transmission overhaul? Because nobody cares, that's 12835why." 12836 12837WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. 12838 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" 12839% 12840Best Beer: A panel of tasters assembled by the Consumer's Union in 1969 12841judged Coors and Miller's High Life to be among the very best. Those who 12842doubt that beer is a serious subject might ponder its effect on American 12843history. For example, New England's first colonists decided to drop anchor 12844at Plymouth Rock instead of continuing on to Virginia because, as one of 12845them put it, "We could not now take time for further consideration, our 12846victuals being spent and especially our beer." 12847 -- Felton & Fowler's Best, Worst & Most Unusual 12848% 12849Best Mistakes In Films 12850 In his "Filmgoer's Companion", Mr. Leslie Halliwell helpfully lists 12851four of the cinema's greatest moments which you should get to see if at all 12852possible. 12853 In "Carmen Jones", the camera tracks with Dorothy Dandridge down a 12854street; and the entire film crew is reflected in the shop window. 12855 In "The Wrong Box", the roofs of Victorian London are emblazoned 12856with television aerials. 12857 In "Decameron Nights", Louis Jourdain stands on the deck of his 12858fourteenth century pirate ship; and a white lorry trundles down the hill 12859in the background. 12860 In "Viking Queen", set in the times of Boadicea, a wrist watch is 12861clearly visible on one of the leading characters. 12862 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 12863% 12864Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon. 12865% 12866beta test, v: 12867 To voluntarily entrust one's data, one's livelihood and one's 12868 sanity to hardware or software intended to destroy all three. 12869 In earlier days, virgins were often selected to beta test volcanos. 12870% 12871Better by far you should forget and 12872smile than that you should remember and be sad. 12873 -- Christina Rossetti 12874% 12875Better dead than mellow. 12876% 12877Better hope the life-inspector doesn't come 12878around while you have your life in such a mess. 12879% 12880Better hope you get what you want before you stop wanting it. 12881% 12882Better late than never. 12883 -- Titus Livius (Livy) 12884% 12885Better living a beggar than buried an emperor. 12886% 12887better !pout !cry 12888better watchout 12889lpr why 12890santa claus <north pole >town 12891 12892cat /etc/passwd >list 12893ncheck list 12894ncheck list 12895cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist 12896cat list | grep nice >giftlist 12897santa claus <north pole >town 12898 12899who | grep sleeping 12900who | grep awake 12901who | egrep 'bad|good' 12902for (goodness sake) { 12903 be good 12904} 12905% 12906Better the prince of some inferior court, 12907Than second, or less, in beatific light. 12908 -- Lucifer, Joost van den Vondel's "Lucifer" 12909% 12910Better to be nouveau than never to have been riche at all. 12911% 12912Better to light one candle than to curse the darkness. 12913 -- motto of the Christopher Society 12914% 12915Better to use medicines at the outset than at the last moment. 12916% 12917Better tried by twelve than carried by six. 12918 -- Jeff Cooper 12919% 12920Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson 12921Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate. 12922Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and 12923great effort pushing boulders into a single word. 12924 12925It can be seen from 10,000 feet, silhouetted against the snow. 12926Government officials exchanged memos full of circumlocutions (no Latin 12927equivalent exists) but failed to word an appropriation bill for the 12928destruction of this cairn, that wouldn't alert the press and embarrass 12929both Parliament and Party. 12930 12931It stands today, a monument to human spirit. If life exists on other 12932planets, this may be the first message received from us. 12933 -- The Realist, November, 1964 12934% 12935Between grand theft and a legal fee, there only stands a law degree. 12936% 12937Between infinite and short there is a big difference. 12938 -- G. H. Gonnet 12939% 12940Between the idea 12941And the reality 12942Between the motion 12943And the act 12944Falls the Shadow 12945 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Man" 12946 12947 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 12948 referring to system service dispatching.] 12949% 12950BEWARE! People acting under the influence of human nature. 12951% 12952Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie. 12953% 12954Beware of a tall black man with one blond shoe. 12955% 12956Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe. 12957% 12958Beware of all enterprises that require new clothes, and not rather 12959a new wearer of clothes. 12960 -- Henry David Thoreau 12961% 12962Beware of Bigfoot! 12963% 12964Beware of bugs in the above code; 12965I have only proved it correct, not tried it. 12966 -- Donald Knuth 12967% 12968Beware of computerized fortune-tellers! 12969% 12970Beware of geeks bearing graft. 12971% 12972Beware of low-flying butterflies. 12973% 12974Beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The 12975danger already exists that the mathematicians have made covenant with 12976the devil to darken the spirit and to confine man in the bonds of hell. 12977 -- St. Augustine 12978% 12979Beware of Programmers who carry screwdrivers. 12980 -- Leonard Brandwein 12981% 12982Beware of self-styled experts: an ex is a has-been, and a spurt is a 12983drip under pressure. 12984% 12985Beware of strong drink. It can make you 12986shoot at tax collectors -- and miss. 12987 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" 12988% 12989Beware of the man who knows the answer before he understands the question. 12990% 12991"Beware of the man who works hard to learn something, learns it, and 12992finds himself no wiser than before," Bokonon tells us. "He is full of 12993murderous resentment of people who are ignorant without having come by 12994their ignorance the hard way." 12995 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr., "Cat's Cradle" 12996% 12997Beware of the Turing Tar-pit in which everything 12998is possible but nothing of interest is easy. 12999% 13000Beware the new TTY code! 13001% 13002Beware the one behind you. 13003% 13004bi, n: 13005 When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert. 13006% 13007Bierman's Laws of Contracts: 13008 (1) In any given document, you can't cover all the "what if's". 13009 (2) Lawyers stay in business resolving all the unresolved "what if's". 13010 (3) Every resolved "what if" creates two unresolved "what if's". 13011% 13012Big book, big bore. 13013 -- Callimachus 13014% 13015Big M, Little M, many mumbling mice 13016Are making midnight music in the moonlight, 13017Mighty nice! 13018% 13019Bigamy is having one spouse too many. Monogamy is the same. 13020% 13021Biggest security gap -- an open mouth. 13022% 13023Bilbo's First Law: 13024 You cannot count friends that are all packed up in barrels. 13025% 13026Bill Dickey is learning me his experience. 13027 -- Yogi Berra in his rookie season 13028% 13029Billy: Mom, you know that vase you said was handed down from 13030 generation to generation? 13031Mom: Yes? 13032Billy: Well, this generation dropped it. 13033% 13034Binary, adj.: 13035 Possessing the ability to have friends of both sexes. 13036% 13037Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise, 13038and you'll be Gary, Indiana. 13039 -- Jessie, "Greaser's Palace" 13040% 13041Bing's Rule: 13042 Don't try to stem the tide -- move the beach. 13043% 13044Biology grows on you. 13045% 13046Biology is the only science in which multiplication means the same 13047thing as division. 13048% 13049Bipolar, adj.: 13050 Refers to someone who has homes in Nome, Alaska, and Buffalo, 13051New York 13052% 13053Birds and bees have as much to do with the facts of life as black 13054nightgowns do with keeping warm. 13055 -- Hester Mundis, "Powermom" 13056% 13057Birds are entangled by their feet and men by their tongues. 13058% 13059Birth, n.: 13060 The first and direst of all disasters. 13061 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 13062% 13063Birthdays are like busses, never the number you want. 13064% 13065Bistromathics is simply a revolutionary new way of understanding the 13066behavior of numbers. Just as Einstein observed that space was not an 13067absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in space, and that 13068time was not an absolute, but depended on the observer's movement in 13069time, so it is now realized that numbers are not absolute, but depend 13070on the observer's movement in restaurants. 13071 -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything" 13072% 13073bit, n: 13074 A unit of measure applied to color. Twenty-four-bit color 13075 refers to expensive $3 color as opposed to the cheaper 25 13076 cent, or two-bit, color that use to be available a few years 13077 ago. 13078% 13079Bit off more than my mind could chew, 13080Shower or suicide, what do I do? 13081 -- Julie Brown, "Will I Make it Through the Eighties?" 13082% 13083Biz is better. 13084% 13085Bizarreness is the essence of the exotic. 13086% 13087Bizoos, n.: 13088 The millions of tiny individual bumps that make up a 13089basketball. 13090 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 13091% 13092Black people have never rioted. A riot is what white people think blacks 13093are involved in when they burn stores. 13094 -- Julius Lester 13095% 13096Black shiny mollies and bright colored guppies, 13097Shy little angels as gentle as puppies, 13098Swimming and diving with scarcely a swish, 13099They were just some of my tropical fish. 13100 13101Then I got mantas that sting in the water, 13102Deadly piranhas that itch for a slaughter, 13103Savage male betas that bite with a squish, 13104Now I have many less tropical fish. 13105 13106 If you think that 13107 Fish are peaceful 13108 That's an empty wish. 13109 Just dump them together 13110 And leave them alone, 13111 And soon you will have -- no fish. 13112 -- To My Favorite Things 13113% 13114Blackout, heatwave, .44 caliber homicide, 13115The bums drop dead and the dogs go mad in packs on the West Side, 13116A young girl standing on a ledge, looks like another suicide, 13117She wants to hit those bricks, 13118 'cause the news at six got to stick to a deadline, 13119While the millionaires hide in Beekman place, 13120The bag ladies throw their bones in my face, 13121I get attacked by a kid with stereo sound, 13122I don't want to hear it but he won't turn it down... 13123 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses" 13124% 13125Blame Saint Andreas -- it's all his fault. 13126% 13127Blessed are the forgetful: for they 13128get the better even of their blunders. 13129 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 13130% 13131Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt. 13132 -- Herbert Hoover 13133% 13134Blessed are they that have nothing to say, and who cannot be persuaded 13135to say it. 13136 -- James Russell Lowell 13137% 13138Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, 13139for they Shall be Known as Wheels. 13140% 13141Blessed is he who expects no gratitude, for he shall not be disappointed. 13142 -- W. C. Bennett 13143% 13144Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. 13145 -- Alexander Pope 13146% 13147Blessed is he who has reached the point of no return and knows it, 13148for he shall enjoy living. 13149 -- W. C. Bennett 13150% 13151Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, 13152abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact. 13153 -- George Eliot 13154% 13155Blinding speed can compensate for a lot of deficiencies. 13156 -- David Nichols 13157% 13158BLISS is ignorance. 13159% 13160blithwapping, v.: 13161 Using anything BUT a hammer to hammer a nail into the 13162 wall, such as shoes, lamp bases, doorstops, etc. 13163 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 13164% 13165Blood flows down one leg and up the other. 13166% 13167Blood is thicker than water, and much tastier. 13168% 13169Bloom's Seventh Law of Litigation: 13170 The judge's jokes are always funny. 13171% 13172Blore's Razor: 13173 Given a choice between two theories, take the one which is 13174funnier. 13175% 13176Blow it out your ear. 13177% 13178Blue paint today. 13179 [Funny to Jack Slingwine, Guy Harris and Hal Pierson. Ed.] 13180% 13181Blutarsky's Axiom: 13182 Nothing is impossible for the man who will not listen to reason. 13183% 13184Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in 13185plain sight. It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again. The legend has 13186it that St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland. In fact, he was 13187arrested for drunk driving. The snakes left because people kept 13188throwing up on them. 13189% 13190Body by Nautilus, Brain by Mattel. 13191% 13192Boling's postulate: 13193 If you're feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. 13194% 13195Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom: 13196 Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so 13197vividly manifests their lack of progress. 13198% 13199Bombeck's Rule of Medicine: 13200 Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 13201% 13202Bond reflected that good Americans were fine people and that most of them 13203seemed to come from Texas. 13204 -- Ian Fleming, "Casino Royale" 13205% 13206Bondage maybe, discipline never! 13207 -- T. K. 13208% 13209Bones: "The man's DEAD, Jim!" 13210% 13211BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH! 13212% 13213Boob's Law: 13214 You always find something in the last place you look. 13215% 13216Booker's Law: 13217 An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction. 13218% 13219Bore, n.: 13220 A guy who wraps up a two-minute idea in a two-hour vocabulary. 13221 -- Walter Winchell 13222% 13223Bore, n.: 13224 A person who talks when you wish him to listen. 13225 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 13226% 13227Boren's Laws: 13228 (1) When in charge, ponder. 13229 (2) When in trouble, delegate. 13230 (3) When in doubt, mumble. 13231% 13232Boss, n.: 13233 According to the Oxford English Dictionary, in the Middle Ages 13234the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss, 13235in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an 13236ornamental stud." 13237% 13238Boston, n.: 13239 An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic. 13240% 13241Boston, n.: 13242 Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for 13243finishing second in the Irish jig competition. 13244% 13245Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry 13246that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation 13247straightened out for a crowbar. 13248 -- O. W. Holmes 13249% 13250Both models are identical in performance, functional operation, and 13251interface circuit details. The two models, however, are not compatible 13252on the same communications line connection. 13253 -- Bell System Technical Reference 13254% 13255Boucher's Observation: 13256 He who blows his own horn always plays the music 13257 several octaves higher than originally written. 13258% 13259Bounders get bound when they are caught bounding. 13260 -- Ralph Lewin 13261% 13262Bower's Law: 13263 Talent goes where the action is. 13264% 13265Bowie's Theorem: 13266 If an experiment works, you must be using the wrong equipment. 13267% 13268Boy! Eucalyptus! 13269% 13270Boy, get your head out of the stars above, 13271You get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. 13272Save your heart and let your body be enough, 13273To get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. 13274Save your heart and let your body be enough, 13275And get the maximum pleasure from a minimum of love. 13276 -- Mac Macinelli, "Minimum Love" 13277% 13278Boy, I sure wish that I could be in the 13279'Advanced Systems Development' group! 13280% 13281Boy, life takes a long time to live. 13282 -- Steven Wright 13283% 13284Boy, n.: 13285 A noise with dirt on it. 13286% 13287Boy, that crayon sure did hurt! 13288% 13289Boycott meat - suck your thumb. 13290% 13291Boys are beyond the range of anybody's sure understanding, at least 13292when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years. 13293 -- James Thurber 13294% 13295Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men. 13296 -- Kin Hubbard 13297% 13298Bozo is the Brotherhood of Zips and Others. Bozos are people who band 13299together for fun and profit. They have no jobs. Anybody who goes on a 13300tour is a Bozo. Why does a Bozo cross the street? Because there's a Bozo 13301on the other side. It comes from the phrase vos otros, meaning others. 13302They're the huge, fat, middle waist. The archetype is an Irish drunk 13303clown with red hair and nose, and pale skin. Fields, William Bendix. 13304Everybody tends to drift toward Bozoness. It has Oz in it. They mean 13305well. They're straight-looking except they've got inflatable shoes. They 13306like their comforts. The Bozos have learned to enjoy their free time, 13307which is all the time. 13308 -- Firesign Theatre, "If Bees Lived Inside Your Head" 13309% 13310Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the unique: 13311an actually rather serious technical book which is not only (gasp) vehemently 13312anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend to think of it as 13313`Constructive Snottiness.' 13314 -- Mike Padlipsky, "Elements of Networking Style" 13315% 13316Brace yourselves. We're about to try something that borders on the 13317unique: an actually rather serious technical book which is not only 13318(gasp) vehemently anti-Solemn, but also (shudder) takes sides. I tend 13319to think of it as `Constructive Snottiness.' 13320 -- Mike Padlipsky, Foreword to "Elements of Networking 13321 Style" 13322% 13323Bradley's Bromide: 13324 If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a 13325committee -- that will do them in. 13326% 13327Brady's First Law of Problem Solving: 13328 When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more 13329easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have 13330handled this?" 13331% 13332Brahma said: Well, after hearing ten thousand explanations, a fool is no 13333wiser. But an intelligent man needs only two thousand five hundred. 13334 -- The Mahabharata 13335% 13336Brain fried -- Core dumped 13337% 13338Brain, n.: 13339 The apparatus with which we think that we think. 13340 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 13341% 13342Brain, v. [as in "to brain"]: 13343 To rebuke bluntly, but not pointedly; to dispel a source of 13344error in an opponent. 13345 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 13346% 13347brain-damaged, generalization of "Honeywell Brain Damage" (HBD), a 13348theoretical disease invented to explain certain utter cretinisms in 13349Multics, adj: 13350 Obviously wrong; cretinous; demented. There is an implication 13351 that the person responsible must have suffered brain damage, 13352 because he/she should have known better. Calling something 13353 brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable. 13354% 13355Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates, 13356is my choice for team captain. Cincinnati was beating us 3-1, and I led 13357off the bottom of the eighth with a walk. The next hitter banged a hard 13358single to right field. Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and 13359kept going, sliding safely into third base. 13360 With runners at first and third, and home-run hitter Ralph Kiner at 13361bat, our manager put in the fast Brandy Davis to run for the player at first. 13362Even with Kiner hitting and a change to win the game with a home run, Brandy 13363took off for second and made it. Now we had runners at second and third. 13364 I'm standing at third, knowing I'm not going anywhere, and see Brandy 13365start to take a lead. All of a sudden, here he comes. He makes a great slide 13366into third, and I scream, "Brandy, where are you going?" He looks up, and 13367shouts, "Back to second if I can make it." 13368 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game" 13369% 13370Brandy-and-water spoils two good things. 13371 -- Charles Lamb 13372% 13373Breadth-first search is the bulldozer of science. 13374 -- Randy Goebel 13375% 13376Break into jail and claim police brutality. 13377% 13378Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, 13379since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind. 13380 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 13381% 13382Breathe deep the gathering gloom. 13383Watch lights fade from every room. 13384Bed-sitter people look back and lament; 13385another day's useless energies spent. 13386 13387Impassioned lovers wrestle as one. 13388Lonely man cries for love and has none. 13389New mother picks up and suckles her son. 13390Senior citizens wish they were young. 13391 13392Cold-hearted orb that rules the night; 13393Removes the colors from our sight. 13394Red is grey and yellow white. 13395But we decide which is real, and which is an illusion." 13396 -- The Moody Blues, "Days of Future Passed" 13397% 13398Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience. 13399% 13400Bride, n.: 13401 A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. 13402 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 13403% 13404Bridge ahead. Pay troll. 13405% 13406briefcase, n: 13407 A trial where the jury gets together and forms a lynching party. 13408% 13409Briefly stated, the findings are that when presented with an array of 13410data or a sequence of events in which they are instructed to discover 13411an underlying order, subjects show strong tendencies to perceive order 13412and causality in random arrays, to perceive a pattern or correlation 13413which seems a priori intuitively correct even when the actual correlation 13414in the data is counterintuitive, to jump to conclusions about the correct 13415hypothesis, to seek and to use only positive or confirmatory evidence, to 13416construe evidence liberally as confirmatory, to fail to generate or to 13417assess alternative hypotheses, and having thus managed to expose themselves 13418only to confirmatory instances, to be fallaciously confident of the validity 13419of their judgments (Jahoda, 1969; Einhorn and Hogarth, 1978). In the 13420analyzing of past events, these tendencies are exacerbated by failure to 13421appreciate the pitfalls of post hoc analyses. 13422 -- A. Benjamin 13423% 13424Brillineggiava, ed i tovoli slati 13425 girlavano ghimbanti nella vaba; 13426i borogovi eran tutti mimanti 13427 e la moma radeva fuorigraba. 13428 13429"Figliuolo mio, sta' attento al Gibrovacco, 13430 dagli artigli e dal morso lacerante; 13431fuggi l'uccello Giuggiolo, e nel sacco 13432 metti infine il frumioso Bandifante". 13433 -- "The Jabberwock" 13434% 13435Bringing computers into the home won't change either one, but may 13436revitalize the corner saloon. 13437% 13438Brisk talkers are usually slow thinkers. There is, indeed, no wild beast 13439more to be dreaded than a communicative man having nothing to communicate. 13440If you are civil to the voluble, they will abuse your patience; if 13441brusque, your character. 13442 -- Jonathan Swift 13443% 13444British education is probably the best in the world, if you can survive 13445it. If you can't there is nothing left for you but the diplomatic corps. 13446 -- Peter Ustinov 13447% 13448British Israelites: 13449 The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of 13450Britain to be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by 13451Sargon of Assyria on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further 13452believe that the future can be foretold by the measurements of the 13453Great Pyramid, which probably means it will be big and yellow and in 13454the hand of the Arabs. They also believe that if you sleep with your 13455head under the pillow a fairy will come and take all your teeth. 13456 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 13457% 13458Broad-mindedness, n.: 13459 The result of flattening high-mindedness out. 13460% 13461Brogan's Constant: 13462 People tend to congregate in the back 13463 of the church and the front of the bus. 13464% 13465Brokee, n.: 13466 Someone who buys stocks on the advice of a broker. 13467% 13468Brontosaurus Principle: 13469 Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them 13470in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when 13471this occurs, they are an endangered species. 13472 -- Thomas K. Connellan 13473% 13474Brooke's Law: 13475 Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool 13476discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it 13477beyond recognition. 13478% 13479Brooks's Law: 13480 Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later 13481% 13482Brucify, v: 13483 1: Kill by nailing onto style(9); "David O'Brien was brucified" 13484 2: Annoy constantly by reminding of potential improvements 13485 [syn: {torment}, {rag}, {tantalize}, {bedevil}, {dun}, 13486 {frustrate}] 13487 3: Fix problems that were indicated in an earlier brucification 13488 (of one of the two other meanings). 13489The word 'brucify' originally comes from the style-reviews of Bruce 13490Evans of the FreeBSD project, but is now also sometimes used for 13491reviews just done in his spirit. 13492% 13493BS: You remind me of a man. 13494B: What man? 13495BS: The man with the power. 13496B: What power? 13497BS: The power of voodoo. 13498B: Voodoo? 13499BS: You do. 13500B: Do what? 13501BS: Remind me of a man. 13502B: What man? 13503BS: The man with the power... 13504 -- Cary Grant, "The Bachelor and the Bobby-Soxer" 13505% 13506Bubble Memory, n.: 13507 A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's 13508intelligence. See also "vacuum tube". 13509% 13510Buck-passing usually turns out to be a boomerang. 13511% 13512Bucy's Law: 13513 Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man. 13514% 13515Bug, n.: 13516 An aspect of a computer program which exists because the 13517programmer was thinking about Jumbo Jacks or stock options when s/he 13518wrote the program. 13519 13520Fortunately, the second-to-last bug has just been fixed. 13521 -- Ray Simard 13522% 13523Bug, n.: 13524 An elusive creature living in a program that makes it incorrect. 13525The activity of "debugging," or removing bugs from a program, ends when 13526people get tired of doing it, not when the bugs are removed. 13527 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 13528% 13529Bugs, pl. n.: 13530 Small living things that small living boys throw on small 13531living girls. 13532% 13533Build a system that even a fool can use 13534and only a fool will want to use it. 13535% 13536Building translators is good clean fun. 13537 -- T. Cheatham 13538% 13539BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains of the 13540 outfit." 13541GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?" 13542BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..." 13543 -- Jay Ward , "Rocky and Bullwinkle" 13544% 13545Bumper sticker: 13546 All the parts falling off this car are 13547 of the very finest British manufacture. 13548% 13549Bunker's Admonition: 13550 You cannot buy beer; you can only rent it. 13551% 13552Burbulation, v.: 13553 The obsessive act of opening and closing a refrigerator door in 13554 an attempt to catch it before the automatic light comes on. 13555 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 13556% 13557Bureau Termination, Law of: 13558 When a government bureau is scheduled to be phased out, 13559 the number of employees in that bureau will double within 13560 12 months after the decision is made. 13561% 13562Bureaucracy, n.: 13563 A method for transforming energy into solid waste. 13564% 13565Bureaucrat, n.: 13566 A person who cuts red tape sideways. 13567 -- J. McCabe 13568% 13569Bureaucrat, n.: 13570 A politician who has tenure. 13571% 13572Bureaucrats cut red tape -- lengthwise. 13573% 13574Burke's Postulates: 13575 Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. 13576 Don't create a problem for which you do not have the answer. 13577% 13578Burn's Hog Weighing Method: 13579 (1) Get a perfectly symmetrical plank and balance it across a 13580 sawhorse. 13581 (2) Put the hog on one end of the plank. 13582 (3) Pile rocks on the other end until the plank is again 13583 perfectly balanced. 13584 (4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks. 13585 -- Robert Burns 13586% 13587Burnt Sienna. That's the best thing that ever happened to Crayolas. 13588 -- Ken Weaver 13589% 13590Bus error -- driver executed. 13591% 13592Bus error -- please leave by the rear door. 13593% 13594Bushydo -- the way of the shrub. Bonsai! 13595% 13596Business is a good game -- lots of competition 13597and minimum of rules. You keep score with money. 13598 -- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari 13599% 13600Business will be either better or worse. 13601 -- Calvin Coolidge 13602% 13603...but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be 13604proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge 13605to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women 13606were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still 13607unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and 13608in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than 13609the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If 13610there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute 13611of value. 13612 -- Ambrose Bierce 13613% 13614But Captain -- the engines can't take this much longer! 13615% 13616"But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations 13617paws." 13618% 13619But, for my own part, it was Greek to me. 13620 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 13621% 13622But has any little atom, 13623 While a-sittin' and a-splittin', 13624Ever stopped to think or CARE 13625 That E = m c**2 ? 13626% 13627"But Huey, you PROMISED!" 13628"Tell 'em I lied." 13629% 13630But I always fired into the nearest hill or, failing that, into blackness. 13631I meant no harm; I just liked the explosions. And I was careful never to 13632kill more than I could eat. 13633 -- Raoul Duke 13634% 13635But I don't like Spam!!!! 13636% 13637"But I don't want to go on the cart..." 13638"Oh, don't be such a baby!" 13639"But I'm feeling much better..." 13640"No you're not... in a moment you'll be stone dead!" 13641 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Grail" 13642% 13643But I find the old notions somehow appealing. Not that I want to go 13644back to them -- it is outrageous to have some outer authority tell you 13645what is proper use and abuse of your own faculties, and it is ludicrous 13646to hold reason higher than body or feeling. Still there is something 13647true and profoundly sane about the belief that acts like murder or 13648theft or assault violate the doer as well as the done to. We might 13649even, if we thought this way, have less crime. The popular view of 13650crime, as far as I can deduce it from the movies and television, is 13651that it is a breaking of a rule by someone who thinks they can get away 13652with that; implicitly, everyone would like to break the rule, but not 13653everyone is arrogant enough to imagine they can get away with it. It 13654therefore becomes very important for the rule upholders to bring such 13655arrogance down. 13656 -- Marilyn French, "The Woman's Room" 13657% 13658But if you wish at once to do nothing and to be respectable 13659nowadays, the best pretext is to be at work on some profound study. 13660 -- Leslie Stephen, "Sketches from Cambridge" 13661% 13662But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the 13663system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed, 13664analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses. 13665 -- Bruce Leverett, 13666 "Register Allocation in Optimizing Compilers" 13667% 13668But it does move! 13669 -- Galileo Galilei 13670% 13671But like the Good Book says... There's BIGGER DEALS to come! 13672% 13673But, Mousie, thou art no thy lane, 13674In proving foresight may be vain: 13675The best laid schemes o' mice an' men 13676Gang aft a-gley, 13677An' lea'e us nought but grief and pain 13678For promised joy. 13679 -- Robert Burns, "To a Mouse", 1785 13680% 13681But, officer, he's not drunk, I just saw his fingers twitch! 13682% 13683But Officer, I stopped for the last one, and it was green! 13684% 13685"But officer, I was only trying to gain enough speed so I could coast 13686to the nearest gas station." 13687% 13688But scientists, who ought to know 13689Assure us that it must be so. 13690Oh, let us never, never doubt 13691What nobody is sure about. 13692 -- Hilaire Belloc 13693% 13694But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day. 13695% 13696But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than 13697frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them? 13698 -- M. Proust 13699% 13700But soft you, the fair Ophelia: 13701Ope not thy ponderous and marble jaws, 13702But get thee to a nunnery -- go! 13703 -- Mark "The Bard" Twain 13704% 13705But the greatest Electrical Pioneer of them all was Thomas Edison, who 13706was a brilliant inventor despite the fact that he had little formal 13707education and lived in New Jersey. Edison's first major invention in 137081877, was the phonograph, which could soon be found in thousands of 13709American homes, where it basically sat until 1923, when the record was 13710invented. But Edison's greatest achievement came in 1879, when he 13711invented the electric company. Edison's design was a brilliant 13712adaptation of the simple electrical circuit: the electric company sends 13713electricity through a wire to a customer, then immediately gets the 13714electricity back through another wire, then (this is the brilliant 13715part) sends it right back to the customer again. 13716 13717This means that an electric company can sell a customer the same batch 13718of electricity thousands of times a day and never get caught, since 13719very few customers take the time to examine their electricity closely. 13720In fact the last year any new electricity was generated in the United 13721States was 1937; the electric companies have been merely re-selling it 13722ever since, which is why they have so much free time to apply for rate 13723increases. 13724 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 13725% 13726But these pills can't be habit forming; 13727I've been taking them for years. 13728% 13729But this has taken us far afield from interface, which is not a bad 13730place to be, since I particularly want to move ahead to the kludge. 13731Why do people have so much trouble understanding the kludge? What is a 13732kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs, 13733poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? Have I 13734explained yet about the bytes? 13735% 13736"But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable 13737computers?" 13738% 13739But you shall not escape my iambics. 13740 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus 13741% 13742But you who live on dreams, you are better pleased with the sophistical 13743reasoning and frauds of talkers about great and uncertain matters than 13744those who speak of certain and natural matters, not of such lofty nature. 13745 -- Leonardo da Vinci, "The Codex on the Flight of Birds" 13746% 13747Buzz off, Banana Nose; Relieve mine eyes 13748Of hateful soreness, purge mine ears of corn; 13749Less dear than army ants in apple pies 13750Art thou, old prune-face, with thy chestnuts worn, 13751Dropt from thy peeling lips like lousy fruit; 13752Like honeybees upon the perfum'd rose 13753They suck, and like the double-breasted suit 13754Are out of date; therefore, Banana Nose, 13755Go fly a kite, thy welcome's overstayed; 13756And stem the produce of thy waspish wits: 13757Thy logick, like thy locks, is disarrayed; 13758Thy cheer, like thy complexion, is the pits. 13759Be off, I say; go bug somebody new, 13760Scram, beat it, get thee hence, and nuts to you. 13761% 13762buzzword, n: 13763 The fly in the ointment of computer literacy. 13764% 13765By doing just a little every day, you can gradually let the task 13766completely overwhelm you. 13767% 13768By failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail. 13769% 13770By long-standing tradition, I take this opportunity to savage other 13771designers in the thin disguise of good, clean fun. 13772 -- P. J. Plauger, "Computer Language", 1988, April 13773 Fool's column. 13774% 13775By nature, men are nearly alike; 13776by practice, they get to be wide apart. 13777 -- Confucius 13778% 13779"By necessity, by proclivity, and by delight, we all quote. 13780In fact, it is as difficult to appropriate the thoughts of others 13781as it is to invent. (R. Emerson)" 13782 -- Quoted from a fortune cookie program 13783 (whose author claims, "Actually, stealing IS easier.") 13784 [to which I reply, "You think it's easy for me to 13785 misconstrue all these misquotations?!?" Ed.] 13786% 13787By perseverance the snail reached the Ark. 13788 -- Charles Spurgeon 13789% 13790By protracting life, we do not deduct one jot from the duration of death. 13791 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 13792% 13793By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began 13794to suspect "Hungry" ... 13795 -- Gary Larson, "The Far Side" 13796% 13797By the time you swear you're his, 13798shivering and sighing 13799and he vows his passion is 13800infinite, undying -- 13801Lady, make a note of this: 13802One of you is lying. 13803 -- Dorothy Parker, "Unfortunate Coincidence" 13804% 13805By the yard, life is hard. 13806By the inch, it's a cinch. 13807% 13808By trying, we can easily learn to endure adversity -- another man's, I 13809mean. 13810 -- Mark Twain 13811% 13812By working faithfully eight hours a day, 13813you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve. 13814 -- Robert Frost 13815% 13816byob, v: 13817 Believing Your Own Bull 13818% 13819Bypasses are devices that allow some people to dash from point A to 13820point B very fast while other people dash from point B to point A very 13821fast. People living at point C, being a point directly in between, are 13822often given to wonder what's so great about point A that so many people 13823from point B are so keen to get there and what's so great about point B 13824that so many people from point A are so keen to get _____there. They often 13825wish that people would just once and for all work out where the hell 13826they wanted to be. 13827 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 13828% 13829BYTE editors are people who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then 13830carefully print the chaff. 13831% 13832Byte your tongue. 13833% 13834C Code. 13835C Code Run. 13836Run, Code, RUN! 13837 PLEASE!!!! 13838% 13839C for yourself. 13840% 13841C++ is the best example of second-system effect since OS/360. 13842% 13843C makes it easy for you to shoot yourself in the foot. C++ makes that 13844harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg. 13845 -- Bjarne Stroustrup 13846% 13847C, n.: 13848 A programming language that is sort of like Pascal except more 13849like assembly except that it isn't very much like either one, or 13850anything else. It is either the best language available to the art 13851today, or it isn't. 13852 -- Ray Simard 13853% 13854Cabbage, n.: 13855 A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as 13856a man's head. 13857 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 13858% 13859Cable is not a luxury, since many areas have poor TV reception. 13860 -- The mayor of Tucson, Arizona, 1989 13861% 13862Cache: 13863 A very expensive part of the memory system of a computer that no one 13864 is supposed to know is there. 13865% 13866Cahn's Axiom: 13867 When all else fails, read the instructions. 13868% 13869California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange. 13870 -- Fred Allen 13871% 13872California, n.: 13873 From Latin "calor", meaning "heat" (as in English "calorie" or 13874Spanish "caliente"); and "fornia'" for "sexual intercourse" or 13875"fornication." Hence: Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex." 13876 -- Ed Moran 13877% 13878Californians are a strange people. They'll put every chemical known to God 13879and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your 13880coffee. 13881% 13882Call on God, but row away from the rocks. 13883 -- Indian proverb 13884% 13885Call things by their right names... Glass of brandy and water! That is the 13886current but not the appropriate name: ask for a glass of fire and distilled 13887damnation. 13888 -- Robert Hall, in Olinthus Gregory's, "Brief Memoir of the 13889 Life of Hall" 13890 13891 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 13892 referring to logical names.] 13893% 13894Calling J-Man Kink. Calling J-Man Kink. Hash missle sighted, target 13895Los Angeles. Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept. 13896% 13897Calling you stupid is an insult to stupid people! 13898 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda" 13899% 13900Calm down, it's *only* ones and zeroes. 13901% 13902Calm down, it's only ones and zeroes, 13903Calm down, it's only bits and bytes, 13904Calm down, and speak to me in English, 13905Please realize that I'm not one of your computerites. 13906% 13907Calvin: "I wonder where we go when we die." 13908Hobbes: "Pittsburgh?" 13909Calvin: "You mean if we're good or if we're bad?" 13910% 13911Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle. 13912 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth 13913% 13914Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth 13915Corner, Vermont. 13916 -- Clarence Darrow 13917% 13918Campbell's Law: 13919 Nature abhors a vacuous experimenter. 13920% 13921Campus crusade for Cthulhu -- it found me. 13922% 13923Campus sidewalks never exist as the straightest line between two 13924points. 13925 -- M. M. Johnston 13926% 13927Can anyone remember when the times 13928were not hard, and money not scarce? 13929% 13930Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished? 13931Yes, work never begun. 13932% 13933Can you buy friendship? You not only can, you must. It's the 13934only way to obtain friends. Everything worthwhile has a price. 13935 -- Robert J. Ringer 13936% 13937Canada Bill Jones's Motto: 13938 It's morally wrong to allow suckers to keep their money. 13939 13940Canada Bill Jones's Supplement: 13941 A Smith and Wesson beats four aces. 13942% 13943Canada Post doesn't really charge 32 cents for a stamp. 13944It's 2 cents for postage and 30 cents for storage. 13945 -- Gerald Regan, Cabinet Minister, 12/31/83 Financial Post 13946% 13947Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain? 13948Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes, 13949A root or two, a torus and a node: 13950The inverse of my verse, a null domain. 13951 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 13952% 13953CANCER (June 21 - July 22) 13954 This is a good time for those of you who are rich and happy, 13955but a poor time for those of you born under this sign who are 13956poor and unhappy. To tell you the truth, any day is tough 13957when you're poor and unhappy. 13958% 13959CANCER (June 21 - July 22) 13960 You are sympathetic and understanding to other people's 13961problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things 13962off. That's why you'll never make anything of yourself. Most welfare 13963recipients are Cancer people. 13964% 13965Canonical, adj.: 13966 The usual or standard state or manner of something. A true 13967story: One Bob Sjoberg, new at the MIT AI Lab, expressed some 13968annoyance at the use of jargon. Over his loud objections, we made a 13969point of using jargon as much as possible in his presence, and 13970eventually it began to sink in. Finally, in one conversation, he used 13971the word "canonical" in jargon-like fashion without thinking. 13972 Steele: "Aha! We've finally got you talking jargon too!" 13973 Stallman: "What did he say?" 13974 Steele: "He just used `canonical' in the canonical way." 13975% 13976Can't act. Slightly bald. Also dances. 13977 -- RKO executive, reacting to Fred Astaire's screen test. 13978 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" 13979% 13980Can't open /usr/games/fortunes. Lid stuck on cookie jar. 13981% 13982Can't open /usr/share/games/fortune/fortunes.dat. 13983% 13984Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for 13985the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all. 13986 -- John Maynard Keynes 13987% 13988CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19) 13989 Play your hunches. This is a day when luck will play an important 13990 part in your life. If you were smarter, you wouldn't need so much 13991 luck and you wouldn't be reading your horoscope, either. You are 13992 a suspicious person, and it will occur to you that astrologers 13993 don't know what they're talking about any more than your Aunt Martha. 13994% 13995CAPRICORN (Dec. 22 to Jan. 19) 13996 Follow your instincts. You are much too scatterbrained to do anything 13997 else, such as think. Romance is in the air, but not for you, so forget 13998 it. That pimple on the end of your nose will get worse. 13999% 14000CAPRICORN (Dec 23 - Jan 19) 14001 You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You don't do 14002much of anything and are lazy. There has never been a Capricorn of any 14003importance. Capricorns should avoid standing still for too long as 14004they tend to take root and become trees. 14005% 14006Captain Penny's Law: 14007 You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of 14008the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom. 14009% 14010Captain's Log, star date 21:34.5... 14011% 14012Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than 14013expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to 14014complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their 14015planning to reduce the time it takes. 14016% 14017Carmel, New York, has an ordinance forbidding men to wear coats and 14018trousers that don't match. 14019% 14020Carney's Law: There's at least a 50-50 chance that someone will print 14021the name Craney incorrectly. 14022 -- Jim Canrey 14023% 14024Carob works on the principle that, when mixed with the right combination of 14025fats and sugar, it can duplicate chocolate in color and texture. Of course, 14026the same can be said of dirt. 14027% 14028Carperpetuation (kar' pur pet u a shun), n.: 14029 The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string at least a 14030dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then 14031putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance. 14032 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 14033% 14034Carson's Consolation: 14035 Nothing is ever a complete failure. 14036 It can always be used as a bad example. 14037% 14038Carson's Observation on Footwear: 14039 If the shoe fits, buy the other one too. 14040% 14041Carswell's Corollary: 14042 Whenever man comes up with a better mousetrap, 14043 nature invariably comes up with a better mouse. 14044% 14045Cat, n.: 14046 Lapwarmer with built-in buzzer. 14047% 14048Catch a wave and you're sitting on top of the world. 14049 -- The Beach Boys 14050% 14051Catharsis is something I associate with pornography and crossword puzzles. 14052 -- Howard Chaykin 14053% 14054Catproof is an oxymoron, childproof nearly so. 14055% 14056Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function. 14057 -- Garrison Keillor 14058% 14059Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't make eight cats pull 14060a sled through the snow. 14061% 14062Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind. 14063% 14064Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education. 14065 -- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson" 14066% 14067Caution: Breathing may be hazardous to your health. 14068% 14069Caution: Keep out of reach of children. 14070% 14071CChheecckk yyoouurr dduupplleexx sswwiittcchh.. 14072% 14073CCI Power 6/40: one board, a megabyte of cache, and an attitude... 14074% 14075Cecil, you're my final hope 14076Of finding out the true Straight Dope 14077For I have been reading of Schrodinger's cat 14078But none of my cats are at all like that. 14079This unusual animal (so it is said) 14080Is simultaneously alive and dead! 14081What I don't understand is just why he 14082Can't be one or the other, unquestionably. 14083My future now hangs in between eigenstates. 14084In one I'm enlightened, in the other I ain't. 14085If *you* understand, Cecil, then show me the way 14086And rescue my psyche from quantum decay. 14087But if this queer thing has perplexed even you, 14088Then I will *___and* I won't see you in Schrodinger's zoo. 14089 -- Randy F., Chicago, "The Straight Dope, a compendium 14090 of human knowledge" by Cecil Adams 14091% 14092Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch. 14093% 14094Celestial navigation is based on the premise that the Earth is the 14095center of the universe. The premise is wrong, but the navigation 14096works. An incorrect model can be a useful tool. 14097 -- Kelvin Throop III 14098% 14099Census Taker to Housewife: 14100Did you ever have the measles, and, if so, how many? 14101% 14102Center meeting at 4pm in 2C-543. 14103% 14104cerebral atrophy, n: 14105 The phenomena which occurs as brain cells become weak and sick, and 14106impair the brain's performance. An abundance of these "bad" cells can cause 14107symptoms related to senility, apathy, depression, and overall poor academic 14108performance. A certain small number of brain cells will deteriorate due to 14109everyday activity, but large amounts are weakened by intense mental effort 14110and the assimilation of difficult concepts. Many college students become 14111victims of this dread disorder due to poor habits such as overstudying. 14112 14113cerebral darwinism, n: 14114 The theory that the effects of cerebral atrophy can be reversed 14115through the purging action of heavy alcohol consumption. Large amounts of 14116alcohol cause many brain cells to perish due to oxygen deprivation. Through 14117the process of natural selection, the weak and sick brain cells will die 14118first, leaving only the healthy cells. This wonderful process leaves the 14119imbiber with a healthier, more vibrant brain, and increases mental capacity. 14120Thus, the devastating effects of cerebral atrophy are reversed, and academic 14121performance actually increases beyond previous levels. 14122% 14123Cerebus: I'd love to lick apricot brandy out of your navel. 14124Jaka: Look, Cerebus -- Jaka has to tell you ... something 14125Cerebus: If Cerebus had a navel, would you lick apricot brandy 14126 out of it? 14127Jaka: Ugh! 14128Cerebus: You don't like apricot brandy? 14129 -- Cerebus #6, "The Secret" 14130% 14131Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long 14132walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They 14133then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy 14134health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, 14135not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find 14136only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the 14137others who have tried it. 14138 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 14139% 14140Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and the 14141most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the Court of 14142Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his candidate which 14143reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground nuts) Order, the expression 14144nuts shall have reference to such nuts, other than ground nuts, as would 14145but for this amending Order not qualify as nuts (unground) (other than ground 14146nuts) by reason of their being nuts (unground)." 14147 -- Guiness Book of World Records, 1973 14148% 14149Certainly the game is rigged. 14150Don't let that stop you; if you don't bet, you can't win. 14151 -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love" 14152% 14153Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, 14154but it's very funny -- 14155 Did you ever try buying them without money? 14156 -- Ogden Nash 14157% 14158C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas la guerre! 14159% 14160C'est magnifique, mais ce n'est pas l'Informatique. 14161 -- Bosquet [on seeing the IBM 4341] 14162% 14163CF&C stole it, fair and square. 14164 -- Tim Hahn 14165% 14166Chairman of the Bored. 14167% 14168Chamberlain's Laws: 14169 1: The big guys always win. 14170 2: Everything tastes more or less like chicken. 14171% 14172Chance is perhaps the work of God when He did not want to sign. 14173 -- Anatole France 14174% 14175Change your thoughts and you change your world. 14176% 14177Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles. 14178 -- Kathleen Norris 14179% 14180Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world. 14181% 14182Chapter 2: Newtonian Growth and Decay 14183 14184 The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion by 14185Isaac Newton's famous brother Phigg. His idea was to provide an equation 14186that would describe a quantity that would dwindle and dwindle, but never 14187quite reach zero. Historically, he was merely trying to work out his 14188mortgage. Another versatile equation also emerged, one which would define 14189a function that would continue to grow, but never reach unity. This equation 14190can be applied to charging capacitors, over-damped springs, and the human 14191race in general. 14192% 14193Character Density, n.: 14194 The number of very weird people in the office. 14195% 14196Character is what you are in the dark! 14197 -- Lord John Whorfin 14198% 14199CHARITY: 14200 A thing that begins at home and usually stays there. 14201% 14202Charity begins at home. 14203 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 14204% 14205Charlie Brown: Why was I put on this earth? 14206Linus: To make others happy. 14207Charlie Brown: Why were others put on this earth? 14208% 14209Charlie was a chemist, 14210But Charlie is no more. 14211What Charlie thought was H2O was H2SO4. 14212% 14213Charm is a way of getting the answer "Yes" -- 14214without having asked any clear question. 14215% 14216Cheap things are of no value, valuable things are not cheap. 14217% 14218Check me if I'm wrong, Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers... 14219they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key! 14220% 14221Checkuary, n.: 14222 The thirteenth month of the year. Begins New Year's Day and 14223ends when a person stops absentmindedly writing the old year on his 14224checks. 14225% 14226Cheer Up! Things are getting worse at a slower rate. 14227% 14228Cheese -- milk's leap toward immortality. 14229 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play" 14230% 14231Chef, n.: 14232 Any cook who swears in French. 14233% 14234Cheit's Lament: 14235 If you help a friend in need, he is sure to remember you-- 14236 the next time he's in need. 14237% 14238Chemicals, n.: 14239 Noxious substances from which modern foods are made. 14240% 14241Chemist who falls in acid is absorbed in work. 14242% 14243Chemist who falls in acid will be tripping for weeks. 14244% 14245Chemistry is applied theology. 14246 -- Augustus Stanley Owsley III 14247% 14248Chemistry professors never die, they just fail to react. 14249% 14250Cheops' Law: 14251 Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget. 14252% 14253"Cheshire-Puss," she began, "would you tell me, please, 14254 which way I ought to go from here?" 14255"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. 14256"I don't care much where--" said Alice. 14257"Then it doesn't matter which way you go," said the Cat. 14258% 14259Chess tonight. 14260% 14261Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire. 14262% 14263Chicago, n.: 14264 Where the dead still vote ... early and often! 14265% 14266Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36: 14267 Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn 14268headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer". 14269 -- Chicago Reader 3/27/81 14270% 14271Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #84: 14272 The CTA has complimentary pop-up timers available on request 14273for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will 14274cheerfully baste you. 14275 -- Chicago Reader 5/28/82 14276% 14277Chicagoan: "So, where're you from?" 14278Hoosier: "What's wrong with Indiana?" 14279% 14280Chicken Little only has to be right once. 14281% 14282Chicken Little was right. 14283% 14284Chicken Soup, n.: 14285 An ancient miracle drug containing equal parts of aureomycin, 14286cocaine, interferon, and TLC. The only ailment chicken soup can't cure 14287is neurotic dependence on one's mother. 14288 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 14289% 14290Chihuahuas drive me crazy. I can't stand anything that 14291shivers when it's warm. 14292% 14293Children are like cats, they can tell when you don't like 14294them. That's when they come over and violate your body space. 14295% 14296Children are natural mimics who act like their parents 14297despite every effort to teach them good manners. 14298% 14299Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're 14300going to catch you in next. 14301 -- Franklin P. Jones 14302% 14303Children aren't happy without something to ignore, 14304And that's what parents were created for. 14305 -- Ogden Nash 14306% 14307Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them. 14308Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them. 14309 -- Oscar Wilde 14310% 14311Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually 14312repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. 14313% 14314Children's talent to endure stems from their ignorance of alternatives. 14315 -- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings" 14316% 14317Chinese saying: "He who speak with forked tongue, not need chopsticks." 14318% 14319Chism's Law of Completion: 14320 The amount of time required to complete a government project is 14321precisely equal to the length of time already spent on it. 14322% 14323Chisolm's First Corollary to Murphy's Second Law: 14324 When things just can't possibly get any worse, they will. 14325% 14326Chivalry, Schmivalry! 14327 Roger the thief has a 14328 method he uses for 14329 sneaky attacks: 14330Folks who are reading are 14331 Characteristically 14332 Always Forgetting to 14333 Guard their own bac ... 14334% 14335Chocolate Chip. 14336% 14337Choose in marriage only a woman whom you would choose as 14338a friend if she were a man. 14339 -- Joubert 14340% 14341Chorus: 14342 Grandma got run over by a reindeer, 14343 Walking home from our house Christmas eve. 14344 You can say there's no such thing as Santa, 14345 But as for me and Grandpa, we believe! 14346She'd been drinking too much eggnog, 14347And we begged her not to go. 14348But she'd forgot her medication, When we found her Christmas morning, 14349And she staggered through the door At the scene of the attack. 14350 out in the snow. She had hoofprints on her forehead, 14351 And incriminating claus-marks on her 14352Now we're all so proud of Grandpa, back. 14353He's been taking this so well. 14354See him in there watching football. I've warned all my friends and 14355Drinking beer and playing cards neighbors, 14356 with cousin Mel. Better watch out for yourselves! 14357 They should never give a license, 14358 To a man who drives a sleigh and 14359 plays with elves! 14360 -- Elmo and Patsy, "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" 14361% 14362Christ: 14363 A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time. 14364% 14365Christ died for our sins, so let's not disappoint Him. 14366% 14367Christianity might be a good thing if anyone ever tried it. 14368 -- George Bernard Shaw 14369% 14370Christmas time is here, by Golly; Kill the turkeys, ducks and chickens; 14371Disapproval would be folly; Mix the punch, drag out the Dickens; 14372Deck the halls with hunks of holly; Even though the prospect sickens, 14373Fill the cup and don't say when... Brother, here we go again. 14374 14375On Christmas day, you can't get sore; Relations sparing no expense'll, 14376Your fellow man you must adore; Send some useless old utensil, 14377There's time to rob him all the more, Or a matching pen and pencil, 14378The other three hundred and sixty-four! Just the thing I need... how nice. 14379 14380It doesn't matter how sincere Hark The Herald-Tribune sings, 14381It is, nor how heartfelt the spirit; Advertising wondrous things. 14382Sentiment will not endear it; God Rest Ye Merry Merchants, 14383What's important is... the price. May you make the Yuletide pay. 14384 Angels We Have Heard On High, 14385Let the raucous sleighbells jingle; Tell us to go out and buy. 14386Hail our dear old friend, Kris Kringle, Sooooo... 14387Driving his reindeer across the sky, 14388Don't stand underneath when they fly by! 14389 -- Tom Lehrer 14390% 14391Churchill's Commentary on Man: 14392 Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the 14393time he will pick himself up and continue on. 14394% 14395Cigarette, n.: 14396 A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in 14397between. 14398% 14399Cinemuck, n.: 14400 The combination of popcorn, soda, and melted chocolate which 14401covers the floors of movie theaters. 14402 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 14403% 14404Circumstances rule men; men do not rule circumstances. 14405 -- Herodotus 14406% 14407Civilization and profits go hand in hand. 14408 -- Calvin Coolidge 14409% 14410Civilization, as we know it, will end sometime this evening. 14411See SYSNOTE tomorrow for more information. 14412% 14413Civilization is the limitless multiplication of unnecessary necessities. 14414 -- Mark Twain 14415% 14416Clairvoyant, n.: 14417 A person, commonly a woman, who has the power of seeing that 14418which is invisible to her patron -- namely, that he is a blockhead. 14419 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 14420% 14421Claret is the liquor for boys; port for men; but he who 14422aspires to be a hero... must drink brandy. 14423 -- Samuel Johnson 14424% 14425Clarke's Conclusion: 14426 Never let your sense of morals interfere with doing the right thing. 14427% 14428Class, that's the only thing that counts in life. Class. 14429Without class and style, a man's a bum; he might as well be dead. 14430 -- "Bugsy" Siegel 14431% 14432Class: when they're running you out of town, to look like you're 14433leading the parade. 14434 -- Bill Battie 14435% 14436Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune. 14437 -- Kin Hubbard, "Abe Martin's Sayings" 14438% 14439Clay's Conclusion: 14440 Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster. 14441% 14442Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like 14443shoveling the walk before it stops snowing. 14444 -- Phyllis Diller 14445% 14446Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely. 14447 -- P. J. O'Rourke 14448% 14449Cleanliness is next to impossible. 14450% 14451CLEVELAND: 14452 Where their last tornado did six 14453 million dollars worth of improvements. 14454% 14455Cleveland still lives. God ____must be dead. 14456% 14457Cleveland? 14458Yes, I spent a week there one day. 14459% 14460Climate and Surgery 14461 R C Gilchrist, who was shot by J Sharp twelve days ago, and who 14462received a derringer ball in the right breast, and who it was supposed at 14463the time could not live many hours, was on the street yesterday and the 14464day before - walking several blocks at a time. To those who design to be 14465riddled with bullets or cut to pieces with Bowie-knives, we cordially 14466recommend our Sacramento climate and Sacramento surgery. 14467 -- Sacramento Daily Union, September 11, 1861 14468% 14469Climbing onto a bar stool, a piece of string asked for a beer. 14470 "Wait a minute. Aren't you a string?" 14471 "Well, yes, I am." 14472 "Sorry. We don't serve strings here." 14473 The determined string left the bar and stopped a passer-by. "Excuse, 14474me," it said, "would you shred my ends and tie me up like a pretzel?" The 14475passer-by obliged, and the string re-entered the bar. "May I have a beer, 14476please?" it asked the bartender. 14477 The barkeep set a beer in front of the string, then suddenly stopped. 14478"Hey, aren't you the string I just threw out of here?" 14479 "No, I'm a frayed knot." 14480% 14481clone, n: 14482 1. An exact duplicate, as in "our product is a clone of their 14483 product." 2. A shoddy, spurious copy, as in "their product 14484 is a clone of our product." 14485% 14486Clones are people two. 14487% 14488Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery. 14489% 14490Clothes make the man. 14491Naked people have little or no influence on society. 14492 -- Mark Twain 14493% 14494Clovis' Consideration of an Atmospheric Anomaly: 14495 The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated 14496 than by the fact that, when exposed to the same atmosphere, 14497 bread becomes hard while crackers become soft. 14498% 14499Coach: Can I draw you a beer, Norm? 14500Norm: No, I know what they look like. Just pour me one. 14501 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted 14502 14503Coach: How about a beer, Norm? 14504Norm: Hey I'm high on life, Coach. Of course, beer is my life. 14505 -- Cheers, No Help Wanted 14506 14507Coach: How's a beer sound, Norm? 14508Norm: I dunno. I usually finish them before they get a word in. 14509 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights 14510% 14511Coach: How's it going, Norm? 14512Norm: Daddy's rich and Momma's good lookin'. 14513 -- Cheers, Truce or Consequences 14514 14515Sam: What's up, Norm? 14516Norm: My nipples. It's freezing out there. 14517 -- Cheers, Coach Returns to Action 14518 14519Coach: What's the story, Norm? 14520Norm: Thirsty guy walks into a bar. You finish it. 14521 -- Cheers, Endless Slumper 14522% 14523Coach: What would you say to a beer, Normie? 14524Norm: Daddy wuvs you. 14525 -- Cheers, The Mail Goes to Jail 14526 14527Sam: What'd you like, Normie? 14528Norm: A reason to live. Gimme another beer. 14529 -- Cheers, Behind Every Great Man 14530 14531Sam: What will you have, Norm? 14532Norm: Well, I'm in a gambling mood, Sammy. I'll take a glass 14533 of whatever comes out of that tap. 14534Sam: Oh, looks like beer, Norm. 14535Norm: Call me Mister Lucky. 14536 -- Cheers, The Executive's Executioner 14537% 14538Coach: What's up, Norm? 14539Norm: Corners of my mouth, Coach. 14540 -- Cheers, Fortune and Men's Weights 14541 14542Coach: What's shaking, Norm? 14543Norm: All four cheeks and a couple of chins, Coach. 14544 -- Cheers, Snow Job 14545 14546Coach: Beer, Normie? 14547Norm: Uh, Coach, I dunno, I had one this week. 14548 Eh, why not, I'm still young. 14549 -- Cheers, Snow Job 14550% 14551COBOL: 14552 An exercise in Artificial Inelegance. 14553% 14554COBOL: 14555 Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic. 14556% 14557COBOL is for morons. 14558 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 14559% 14560COBOL programmers are down in the dumps. 14561% 14562COBOL programs are an exercise in Artificial Inelegance. 14563% 14564Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan. 14565% 14566Coding is easy; All you do is sit staring at a 14567terminal until the drops of blood form on your forehead. 14568% 14569Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum -- 14570"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am." 14571 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 14572% 14573Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong. 14574 -- Blair Houghton 14575% 14576Cohen's Law: 14577 There is no bottom to worse. 14578% 14579Cohn's Law: 14580 The more time you spend in reporting on what you are doing, the less 14581 time you have to do anything. Stability is achieved when you spend 14582 all your time reporting on the nothing you are doing. 14583% 14584Coincidence, n.: 14585 You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was 14586going on. 14587% 14588Coincidences are spiritual puns. 14589 -- G. K. Chesterton 14590% 14591Cold, adj.: 14592 When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions. 14593% 14594Cold, adj.: 14595 When the politicians walk around with their hands in their own 14596pockets. 14597% 14598Cold hands, no gloves. 14599% 14600Cole's Law: 14601 Thinly sliced cabbage. 14602% 14603Collaboration, n.: 14604 A literary partnership based on the false assumption that the 14605other fellow can spell. 14606% 14607COLLEGE: 14608 The fountains of knowledge, where everyone goes to drink. 14609% 14610College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the 14611faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if 14612the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms, 14613legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the 14614loss to humanity. 14615 -- H. L. Mencken 14616% 14617COLORADO: 14618 Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel. 14619% 14620Colorless green ideas sleep furiously. 14621% 14622Column 1 Column 2 Column 3 14623 146240. integrated 0. management 0. options 146251. total 1. organizational 1. flexibility 146262. systematized 2. monitored 2. capability 146273. parallel 3. reciprocal 3. mobility 146284. functional 4. digital 4. programming 146295. responsive 5. logistical 5. concept 146306. optional 6. transitional 6. time-phase 146317. synchronized 7. incremental 7. projection 146328. compatible 8. third-generation 8. hardware 146339. balanced 9. policy 9. contingency 14634 14635 The procedure is simple. Think of any three-digit number, then select 14636the corresponding buzzword from each column. For instance, number 257 produces 14637"systematized logistical projection," a phrase that can be dropped into 14638virtually any report with that ring of decisive, knowledgeable authority. "No 14639one will have the remotest idea of what you're talking about," says Broughton, 14640"but the important thing is that they're not about to admit it." 14641 -- Philip Broughton, "How to Win at Wordsmanship" 14642% 14643Colvard's Logical Premises: 14644 All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or it 14645 won't. 14646 14647Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary: 14648 This is especially true when dealing with someone you're 14649 attracted to. 14650 14651Grelb's Commentary: 14652 Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you. 14653% 14654Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, 14655And every vector dreams of matrices. 14656Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: 14657It whispers of a more ergodic zone. 14658 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 14659% 14660Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring 14661Your winter garment of repentance fling. 14662The bird of time has but a little way 14663To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing. 14664 -- Omar Khayyam 14665% 14666Come home America. 14667 -- George McGovern, 1972 14668% 14669Come, landlord, fill the flowing bowl until it does run over, 14670Tonight we will all merry be -- tomorrow we'll get sober. 14671 -- John Fletcher, "The Bloody Brother", II, 2 14672% 14673Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, 14674Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, 14675Their indices bedecked from one to _n, 14676Commingled in an endless Markov chain! 14677 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 14678% 14679Come, let us hasten to a higher plane, 14680Where dyads tread the fairy fields of Venn, 14681Their indices bedecked from one to n, 14682Commingled in an endless Markov chain! 14683 14684Come, every frustum longs to be a cone, 14685And every vector dreams of matrices. 14686Hark to the gentle gradient of the breeze: 14687It whispers of a more ergodic zone. 14688 14689In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space 14690Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways. 14691Our asymptotes no longer out of phase, 14692We shall encounter, counting, face to face. 14693 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 14694% 14695Come live with me, and be my love, 14696And we will some new pleasures prove 14697Of golden sands, and crystal brooks, 14698With silken lines, and silver hooks. 14699 -- John Donne 14700% 14701Come live with me and be my love, 14702And we will some new pleasures prove 14703Of golden sands and crystal brooks 14704With silken lines, and silver hooks. 14705There's nothing that I wouldn't do 14706If you would be my POSSLQ. 14707 14708You live with me, and I with you, 14709And you will be my POSSLQ. 14710I'll be your friend and so much more; 14711That's what a POSSLQ is for. 14712 14713And everything we will confess; 14714Yes, even to the IRS. 14715Some day on what we both may earn, 14716Perhaps we'll file a joint return. 14717You'll share my pad, my taxes, joint; 14718You'll share my life - up to a point! 14719And that you'll be so glad to do, 14720Because you'll be my POSSLQ. 14721% 14722Come, muse, let us sing of rats! 14723 -- From a poem by James Grainger (1721-1767) 14724% 14725Come quickly, I am tasting stars! 14726 -- Dom Perignon, upon discovering champagne 14727% 14728Come, you spirits 14729That tend on mortal thoughts, unsex me here, 14730And fill me, from the crown to the toe, top-full 14731Of direst cruelty! make thick my blood, 14732Stop up the access and passage to remorse 14733That no compunctious visiting of nature 14734Shake my fell purpose, not keep peace between 14735The effect and it! Come to my woman's breasts, 14736And take my milk for gall, you murdering ministers, 14737Wherever in your sightless substances 14738You wait on nature's mischief! Come, thick night, 14739And pall the in the dunnest smoke of hell, 14740That my keen knife see not the wound it makes, 14741Nor heaven peep through the blanket of the dark, 14742To cry `Hold, hold!' 14743 -- Lady Macbeth, "Macbeth" 14744% 14745Comedy, like Medicine, was never meant to be practiced by the general public. 14746% 14747Coming to Stores Near You: 14748 14749101 Grammatically Correct Popular Tunes Featuring: 14750 14751 (You Aren't Anything but a) Hound Dog 14752 It Doesn't Mean a Thing If It Hasn't Got That Swing 14753 I'm Not Misbehaving 14754 14755And A Whole Lot More... 14756% 14757Coming together is a beginning; 14758 keeping together is progress; 14759 working together is success. 14760% 14761Command, n.: 14762 Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in 14763such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control. 14764% 14765Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways. 14766 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 14767% 14768Commitment, n.: 14769 Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs. 14770The chicken was involved, the pig was committed. 14771% 14772Committee, n.: 14773 A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group 14774decide that nothing can be done. 14775 -- Fred Allen 14776% 14777Committee Rules: 14778 (1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner. 14779 (2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this 14780 stamps you as being wise. 14781 (3) Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the 14782 others. 14783 (4) When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed. 14784 (5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you 14785 popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for. 14786% 14787Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to 14788be appointed to do the work. 14789% 14790Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at 14791different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. 14792 -- Clive James 14793% 14794Common sense is instinct, and enough of it is genius. 14795 -- Josh Billings 14796% 14797Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen. 14798 -- Albert Einstein 14799% 14800Common sense is the most evenly distributed quantity in the world. 14801Everyone thinks he has enough. 14802 -- Rene Descartes, 1637 14803% 14804Commoner's three laws of ecology: 14805 1) No action is without side-effects. 14806 2) Nothing ever goes away. 14807 3) There is no free lunch. 14808% 14809Communicate! It can't make things any worse. 14810% 14811Comparing information and knowledge is like asking whether the fatness 14812of a pig is more or less green than the designated hitter rule." 14813 -- David Guaspari 14814% 14815Comparing software engineering to classical engineering assumes that software 14816has the ability to wear out. Software typically behaves, or it does not. It 14817either works, or it does not. Software generally does not degrade, abrade, 14818stretch, twist, or ablate. To treat it as a physical entity, therefore, is 14819misapplication of our engineering skills. Classical engineering deals with 14820the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the 14821characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management. 14822 -- Dan Klein 14823% 14824COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler 14825one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal. 14826 -- J. N. Gray 14827% 14828Competence, like truth, beauty, and contact lenses, 14829is in the eye of the beholder. 14830 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter 14831% 14832Competitive fury is not always anger. It is the true missionary's 14833courage and zeal in facing the possibility that one's best may not 14834be enough. 14835 -- Gene Scott 14836% 14837COMPLEX SYSTEM: 14838 One with real problems and imaginary profits. 14839% 14840COMPLIMENT: 14841 When you say something to another which everyone knows isn't true. 14842% 14843compuberty, n: 14844 The uncomfortable period of emotional and hormonal changes a 14845 computer experiences when the operating system is upgraded and 14846 a sun4 is put online sharing files. 14847% 14848COMPUTER: 14849 An electronic entity which performs sequences of useful steps in a 14850 totally understandable, rigorously logical manner. If you believe 14851 this, see me about a bridge I have for sale in Manhattan. 14852% 14853Computer programmers do it byte by byte. 14854% 14855Computer programmers never die, they just get lost in the processing. 14856% 14857Computer programs expand so as to fill the core available. 14858% 14859COMPUTER SCIENCE: 14860 1) A study akin to numerology and astrology, but lacking the 14861 precision of the former and the success of the latter. 14862 2) The protracted value analysis of algorithms. 14863 3) The costly enumeration of the obvious. 14864 4) The boring art of coping with a large number of trivialities. 14865 5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light. 14866 6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory. 14867% 14868Computer Science is merely the post-Turing decline in formal systems 14869theory. 14870% 14871Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about 14872telescopes. 14873 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 14874% 14875Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view 14876adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance 14877 -- Jim Horning 14878% 14879Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. 14880% 14881Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. 14882Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable. 14883 -- Gilb 14884% 14885Computers are useless. They can only give you answers. 14886 -- Pablo Picasso 14887% 14888Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in 14889the world that just don't add up. 14890% 14891Computers don't actually think. 14892 You just think they think. 14893 (We think.) 14894% 14895Computers will not be perfected until they can compute how much more 14896than the estimate the job will cost. 14897% 14898Conceit causes more conversation than wit. 14899 -- La Rochefoucauld 14900% 14901Concept, n.: 14902 Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than 14903$25,000. 14904% 14905Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed 14906from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds. 14907 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" 14908% 14909Condense soup, not books! 14910% 14911CONFERENCE: 14912 A special meeting in which the boss gathers subordinates to hear 14913 what they have to say, so long as it doesn't conflict with what 14914 he's already decided to do. 14915% 14916Confess your sins to the Lord and you will be forgiven; 14917confess them to man and you will be laughed at. 14918 -- Josh Billings 14919% 14920Confession is good for the soul, but bad for the career. 14921% 14922Confession is good for the soul only in the sense 14923that a tweed coat is good for dandruff. 14924 -- Peter de Vries 14925% 14926Confessions may be good for the soul, but they are bad for 14927the reputation. 14928 -- Lord Thomas Dewar 14929% 14930Confidant, confidante, n.: 14931 One entrusted by A with the secrets of B, confided to himself by C. 14932 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 14933% 14934Confidence is simply that quiet, assured feeling you have before you 14935fall flat on your face. 14936 -- Dr. L. Binder 14937% 14938Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. 14939% 14940CONFIRMED BACHELOR: 14941 A man who goes through life without a hitch. 14942% 14943Conflicting research paradigms 14944Have legitimized various crimes. 14945 The worst we can see 14946 Is in psychology, 14947Measuring reaction times. 14948% 14949Conformity is the refuge of the unimaginative. 14950% 14951Confucius say too damn much! 14952% 14953Confucius say too much. 14954 -- Recent Chinese proverb 14955% 14956Confusion will be my epitaph 14957as I walk a cracked and broken path 14958If we make it we can all sit back and laugh 14959but I fear that tomorrow we'll be crying. 14960 -- King Crimson, "In the Court of the Crimson King" 14961% 14962Congratulations! You are the one-millionth user to log into our system. 14963If there's anything special we can do for you, anything at all, don't 14964hesitate to ask! 14965% 14966Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that 14967would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that 14968you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer 14969maneuver. Which is why we ask you to PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS 14970OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU UNPACK THE DEVICE. YOU ALREADY 14971UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED 14972IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD 14973WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND 14974SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD ALSO IS FIDDLING WITH THE KNOBS, 14975RIGHT? AND YOU'RE JUST NOW STARTING TO READ THE INSTRUCTIONS, 14976RIGHT??? WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE 14977FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW THAT? 14978 -- Dave Barry, "Read This First!" 14979% 14980Congratulations are in order for Tom Reid. 14981 14982He says he just found out he is the winner of the 2021 Psychic of the 14983Year award. 14984% 14985Conjecture: All odd numbers are prime. 14986 14987 Mathematician's Proof: 14988 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. By induction, all 14989 odd numbers are prime. 14990 Physicist's Proof: 14991 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is experimental 14992 error. 11 is prime. 13 is prime ... 14993 Engineer's Proof: 14994 3 is prime. 5 is prime. 7 is prime. 9 is prime. 14995 11 is prime. 13 is prime ... 14996 Computer Scientist's Proof: 14997 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime. 3 is prime... 14998% 14999Connector Conspiracy, n: 15000 [probably came into prominence with the appearance of the 15001KL-10, none of whose connectors match anything else] The tendency of 15002manufacturers (or, by extension, programmers or purveyors of anything) 15003to come up with new products which don't fit together with the old 15004stuff, thereby making you buy either all new stuff or expensive 15005interface devices. 15006% 15007Conquering Russia should be done steppe by steppe. 15008% 15009Conscience doth make cowards of us all. 15010 -- William Shakespeare 15011% 15012Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends. 15013 -- H. L. Mencken 15014% 15015Conscience is defined as the thing that hurts 15016when everything else feels great. 15017% 15018Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking. 15019 -- H. L. Mencken 15020% 15021Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good. 15022% 15023Conscious is when you are aware of something and conscience is when you 15024wish you weren't. 15025% 15026CONSENT DECREE: 15027 A document in which a hapless company consents never to commit 15028 in the future whatever heinous violations of Federal law it 15029 never admitted to in the first place. 15030% 15031Consequences, Schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich. 15032 -- "Ali Baba Bunny" [1957, Chuck Jones] 15033% 15034Conservative: 15035 One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead. 15036 -- Leo C. Rosten 15037% 15038Conservative, n.: 15039 A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished 15040 from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others. 15041 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15042% 15043Consider a spherical bear, in simple harmonic motion... 15044 -- Professor in the UCB physics department 15045% 15046Consider the following axioms carefully: 15047 "Everything's better when it sits on a Ritz." 15048 and 15049 "Everything's better with Blue Bonnet on it." 15050What happens if one spreads Blue Bonnet margarine on a Ritz cracker? The 15051thought is frightening. Is this how God came into being? Try not to 15052consider the fact that "Things go better with Coke". 15053% 15054Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal 15055it is which never entrusts its life to one hole only. 15056 -- Titus Maccius Plautus 15057% 15058Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in 15059the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. 15060 -- Josh Billings 15061% 15062CONSULTANT: 15063 (1) Someone you pay to take the watch off your wrist and tell 15064 you what time it is. (2) (For resume use) The working title 15065 of anyone who doesn't currently hold a job. Motto: Have 15066 Calculator, Will Travel. 15067% 15068CONSULTANT: 15069 An ordinary man a long way from home. 15070% 15071CONSULTANT: 15072 [From con "to defraud, dupe, swindle," or, possibly, French con 15073 (vulgar) "a person of little merit" + sult elliptical form of 15074 "insult."] A tipster disguised as an oracle, especially one who 15075 has learned to decamp at high speed in spite of a large briefcase 15076 and heavy wallet. 15077% 15078CONSULTANT: 15079 Someone who'd rather climb a tree and tell a 15080 lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth. 15081% 15082Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then 15083give it back to them. 15084% 15085CONSULTATION: 15086 Medical term meaning "to share the wealth." 15087% 15088Contemporary American feminism's simplistic psychology is illustrated by 15089the new cliche of the date-rape furor: "`No' always means `no'." Will 15090we ever graduate from the Girl Scouts? "No" has always been, and always 15091will be, part of the dangerous alluring courtship ritual of sex and 15092seduction, observable even in the animal kingdom. 15093 -- Camille Paglia, NY Times, Dec. 14 1990, Op Ed. 15094% 15095"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might be, and 15096if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic!" 15097 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 15098% 15099Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern 15100technology. Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat. 15101% 15102Convention is the ruler of all. 15103 -- Pindar 15104% 15105Conversation enriches the understanding, 15106but solitude is the school of genius. 15107% 15108Conversation, n.: 15109 A vocal competition in which the one who is catching his breath 15110is called the listener. 15111% 15112Conway's Law: 15113 In any organization there will always be one person who knows 15114 what is going on. 15115 15116 This person must be fired. 15117% 15118Cops never say good-bye. They're always hoping to see you again in the 15119line-up. 15120 -- Raymond Chandler 15121% 15122COPYING MACHINE: 15123 A device that shreds paper, flashes mysteriously coded messages, 15124 and makes duplicates for everyone in the office who isn't 15125 interested in reading them. 15126% 15127Coronation, n: 15128 The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible 15129 signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb. 15130 -- Ambrose Bierce 15131% 15132Coronation, n.: 15133 The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and 15134visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite 15135bomb. 15136 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15137% 15138Correction does much, but encouragement does more. 15139 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 15140% 15141Correspondence Corollary: 15142 An experiment may be considered a success if no more than half 15143 your data must be discarded to obtain correspondence with your theory. 15144% 15145Corrupt, adj.: 15146 In politics, holding an office of trust or profit. 15147% 15148Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a 15149muddle of socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can 15150make of capitalism. 15151 -- Walter Lippmann 15152% 15153Corruption is not the #1 priority of the Police Commissioner. His job 15154is to enforce the law and fight crime. 15155 -- P.B.A. President E. J. Kiernan 15156% 15157Corry's Law: 15158 Paper is always strongest at the perforations. 15159% 15160Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell 15161at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure 15162the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse 15163mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention 15164being easier to stake. 15165% 15166Counting in binary is just like counting 15167in decimal -- if you are all thumbs. 15168 -- Glaser and Way 15169% 15170Counting in octal is just like counting 15171in decimal -- if you don't use your thumbs. 15172 -- Tom Lehrer 15173% 15174Courage is fear that has said its prayers. 15175% 15176Courage is grace under pressure. 15177% 15178Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear -- not absence of fear. 15179 -- Mark Twain 15180% 15181Courage is your greatest present need. 15182% 15183Court, n.: 15184 A place where they dispense with justice. 15185 -- Arthur Train 15186% 15187Courtship to marriage, as a very witty prologue to a very dull play. 15188 -- William Congreve 15189% 15190Coward, n.: 15191 One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs. 15192 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15193% 15194Crash programs fail because they are based on the theory that, with 15195nine women pregnant, you can get a baby a month. 15196 -- Wernher von Braun 15197% 15198Crazee Edeee, his prices are INSANE!!! 15199% 15200Creating computer software is always a demanding and painstaking 15201process -- an exercise in logic, clear expression, and almost fanatical 15202attention to detail. It requires intelligence, dedication, and an 15203enormous amount of hard work. But, a certain amount of unpredictable 15204and often unrepeatable inspiration is what usually makes the difference 15205between adequacy and excellence. 15206% 15207Creativity in living is not without its attendant difficulties, for 15208peculiarity breeds contempt. And the unfortunate thing about being 15209ahead of your time when people finally realize you were right, they'll 15210say it was obvious all along. 15211 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt 15212% 15213Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you are doing. 15214% 15215Creativity is not always bred in an environment of tranquility; 15216sometimes you have to squeeze a little to get the paste out of the tube. 15217% 15218Credit ... is the only enduring testimonial to man's confidence in man. 15219 -- James Blish 15220% 15221CREDITOR: 15222 A man who has a better memory than a debtor. 15223% 15224Crenna's Law of Political Accountability: 15225 If you are the first to know about something bad, 15226 you are going to be held responsible for acting on it, 15227 regardless of your formal duties. 15228% 15229Crime does not pay ... as well as politics. 15230 -- A. E. Neuman 15231% 15232Critic, n.: 15233 A person who boasts himself hard to please because nobody tries 15234to please him. 15235 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15236% 15237Criticism comes easier than craftsmanship. 15238 -- Zeuxis 15239% 15240Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've 15241seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves. 15242 -- Brendan Behan 15243% 15244Crito, I owe a cock to Asclepius; will you remember to pay the debt? 15245 -- Socrates' last words 15246% 15247Croll's Query: 15248 If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of? 15249% 15250Cropp's Law: 15251 The amount of work done varies inversely 15252 with the time spent in the office. 15253% 15254Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them. 15255 -- Madonna 15256% 15257Cruickshank's Law of Committees: 15258 If a committee is allowed to discuss a bad idea long enough, it 15259 will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so 15260 much work has already been done on it. 15261% 15262Crusade for Cthulhu! It Found ME! 15263% 15264Crush! Kill! Destroy! 15265% 15266Cthulhu Cthucks! 15267% 15268Cthulhu for President! 15269 (If you're tired of choosing the lesser of two evils.) 15270% 15271Cthulhu Saves -- in case He's hungry later. 15272% 15273Culture is the habit of being pleased with the best and knowing why. 15274% 15275Cure the disease and kill the patient. 15276 -- Francis Bacon 15277% 15278CURSOR: 15279 One whose program will not run. 15280 -- Robb Russon 15281% 15282cursor address, n: 15283 "Hello, cursor!" 15284 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 15285% 15286curtation n. The enforced compression of a string in the fixed-length field 15287environment. 15288 The problem of fitting extremely variable-length strings such as names, 15289addresses, and item descriptions into fixed-length records is no trivial 15290matter. Neglect of the subtle art of curtation has probably alienated more 15291people than any other aspect of data processing. You order Mozart's "Don 15292Giovanni" from your record club, and they invoice you $24.95 for MOZ DONG. 15293The witless mapping of the sublime onto the ridiculous! Equally puzzling is 15294the curtation that produces the same eight characters, THE BEST, whether you 15295order "The Best of Wagner", "The Best of Schubert", or "The Best of the Turds". 15296Similarly, wine lovers buying from computerized wineries twirl their glasses, 15297check their delivery notes, and inform their friends, "A rather innocent, 15298possibly overtruncated CAB SAUV 69 TAL." The squeezing of fruit into 10 15299columns has yielded such memorable obscenities as COX OR PIP. The examples 15300cited are real, and the curtational methodology which produced them is still 15301with us. 15302 15303MOZ DONG n. 15304 Curtation of Don Giovanni by Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart and Lorenzo da 15305Ponte, as performed by the computerized billing ensemble of the Internat'l 15306Preview Society, Great Neck (sic), N.Y. 15307 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 15308% 15309Custer committed Siouxicide. 15310% 15311Cut a man's hand when you fight him. He'll freeze, fascinated by the sight 15312of his own blood. That's when you stick him in the throat. 15313 -- Gerry Youghkins 15314 15315If you look rather casual with the knife when you flick it open, people 15316don't like it. 15317 -- Gerry Youghkins 15318% 15319Cutler Webster's Law: 15320 There are two sides to every argument, unless a person 15321 is personally involved, in which case there is only one. 15322% 15323Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It 15324eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the 15325business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation. 15326 -- Johnny Hart 15327% 15328Cynic, n.: 15329 A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not 15330as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking 15331out a cynic's eyes to improve his vision. 15332 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15333% 15334Cynic, n.: 15335 Experienced. 15336% 15337Cynic, n.: 15338 One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye. 15339% 15340Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why 15341several of us died of tuberculosis. 15342 -- Jack Handey 15343% 15344DALLAS: 15345 The city that chose Astroturf to 15346 keep the cheerleaders from grazing. 15347% 15348Dallas still lives. God MUST be dead. 15349% 15350Dammit Jim, I'm an actor not a doctor. 15351% 15352"Dammit, man, that's unprofessional! A good bartender laughs anyway!" 15353% 15354Damn braces. 15355 -- William Blake, "Proverbs of Hell" 15356% 15357Damn, I need a Coke! 15358 -- Dr. William DeVries 15359 [after implanting the first artificial human heart] 15360% 15361DAMN IT, I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE! 15362% 15363Dare to be naive. 15364 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 15365% 15366Dark and lonely on a summer night 15367 Kill my landlord, 15368 Kill my landlord. 15369The watchdog barkin' 15370Do he bite? 15371 Kill my landlord, 15372 Kill my landlord. 15373Slip in his window. 15374Break his neck. 15375Then his house I start to wreck 15376Got no reason, 15377What the heck? 15378 Kill my landlord, 15379 Kill my landlord. 15380 C-I-L-L my landlord! 15381 -- "Images" by Tyrone Green, SNL 15382% 15383Darling: the popular form of address used in speaking to a member of the 15384opposite sex whose name you cannot at the moment remember. 15385 -- Oliver Herford 15386% 15387Darth Vader! Only you would be so bold! 15388 -- Princess Leia Organa 15389% 15390Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. 15391% 15392DATA: 15393 An accrual of straws on the backs of theories. 15394% 15395DATA: 15396 Computerspeak for "information". Properly pronounced 15397 the way Bostonians pronounce the word for a female child. 15398% 15399Dave Mack: "Your stupidity, Allen, is simply not up to par." 15400Allen Gwinn: "Yours is." 15401% 15402David Letterman's "Things we can be proud of as Americans": 15403 15404 * Greatest number of citizens who have actually boarded a UFO 15405 * Many newspapers feature "JUMBLE" 15406 * Hourly motel rates 15407 * Vast majority of Elvis movies made here 15408 * Didn't just give up right away during World War II 15409 like some countries we could mention 15410 * Goatees & Van Dykes thought to be worn only by weenies 15411 * Our well-behaved golf professionals 15412 * Fabulous babes coast to coast 15413% 15414Davis' Law of Traffic Density: 15415 The density of rush-hour traffic is directly proportional to 15416 1.5 times the amount of extra time you allow to arrive on time. 15417% 15418Davis's Dictum: 15419 Problems that go away by themselves, come back by themselves. 15420% 15421Dawn, n.: 15422 The time when men of reason go to bed. 15423 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15424% 15425Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed. 15426% 15427%DCL-E-MEMBAD, bad memory 15428-SYSTEM-F-VMSPDGERS, pudding between the ears 15429% 15430DEADWOOD: 15431 Anyone in your company who is more senior than you are. 15432% 15433Dealing with failure is easy: 15434 Work hard to improve. 15435Success is also easy to handle: 15436 You've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to improve. 15437% 15438Dealing with the problem of pure staff accumulation, 15439all our researches ... point to an average increase of 5.75% per year. 15440 -- C. N. Parkinson 15441% 15442Dear Emily: 15443 How can I choose what groups to post in? 15444 -- Confused 15445 15446Dear Confused: 15447 Pick as many as you can, so that you get the widest audience. After 15448all, the net exists to give you an audience. Ignore those who suggest you 15449should only use groups where you think the article is highly appropriate. 15450Pick all groups where anybody might even be slightly interested. 15451 Always make sure followups go to all the groups. In the rare event 15452that you post a followup which contains something original, make sure you 15453expand the list of groups. Never include a "Followup-to:" line in the 15454header, since some people might miss part of the valuable discussion in 15455the fringe groups. 15456 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 15457% 15458Dear Emily: 15459 I collected replies to an article I wrote, and now it's time to 15460summarize. What should I do? 15461 -- Editor 15462 15463Dear Editor: 15464 Simply concatenate all the articles together into a big file and post 15465that. On USENET, this is known as a summary. It lets people read all the 15466replies without annoying newsreaders getting in the way. Do the same when 15467summarizing a vote. 15468 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 15469% 15470Dear Emily: 15471 I recently read an article that said, "reply by mail, I'll summarize." 15472What should I do? 15473 -- Doubtful 15474 15475Dear Doubtful: 15476 Post your response to the whole net. That request applies only to 15477dumb people who don't have something interesting to say. Your postings are 15478much more worthwhile than other people's, so it would be a waste to reply by 15479mail. 15480 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 15481% 15482Dear Emily: 15483 I saw a long article that I wish to rebut carefully, what should 15484I do? 15485 -- Angry 15486 15487Dear Angry: 15488 Include the entire text with your article, and include your comments 15489between the lines. Be sure to post, and not mail, even though your article 15490looks like a reply to the original. Everybody *loves* to read those long 15491point-by-point debates, especially when they evolve into name-calling and 15492lots of "Is too!" -- "Is not!" -- "Is too, twizot!" exchanges. 15493 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 15494% 15495Dear Emily: 15496 I'm having a serious disagreement with somebody on the net. I 15497tried complaints to his sysadmin, organizing mail campaigns, called for 15498his removal from the net and phoning his employer to get him fired. 15499Everybody laughed at me. What can I do? 15500 -- A Concerned Citizen 15501 15502Dear Concerned: 15503 Go to the daily papers. Most modern reporters are top-notch computer 15504experts who will understand the net, and your problems, perfectly. They 15505will print careful, reasoned stories without any errors at all, and surely 15506represent the situation properly to the public. The public will also all 15507act wisely, as they are also fully cognizant of the subtle nature of net 15508society. 15509 Papers never sensationalize or distort, so be sure to point out things 15510like racism and sexism wherever they might exist. Be sure as well that they 15511understand that all things on the net, particularly insults, are meant 15512literally. Link what transpires on the net to the causes of the Holocaust, if 15513possible. If regular papers won't take the story, go to a tabloid paper -- 15514they are always interested in good stories. 15515% 15516Dear Emily: 15517 I'm still confused as to what groups articles should be posted 15518to. How about an example? 15519 -- Still Confused 15520 15521Dear Still: 15522 Ok. Let's say you want to report that Gretzky has been traded from 15523the Oilers to the Kings. Now right away you might think rec.sport.hockey 15524would be enough. WRONG. Many more people might be interested. This is a 15525big trade! Since it's a NEWS article, it belongs in the news.* hierarchy 15526as well. If you are a news admin, or there is one on your machine, try 15527news.admin. If not, use news.misc. 15528 The Oilers are probably interested in geology, so try sci.physics. 15529He is a big star, so post to sci.astro, and sci.space because they are also 15530interested in stars. Next, his name is Polish sounding. So post to 15531soc.culture.polish. But that group doesn't exist, so cross-post to 15532news.groups suggesting it should be created. With this many groups of 15533interest, your article will be quite bizarre, so post to talk.bizarre as 15534well. (And post to comp.std.mumps, since they hardly get any articles 15535there, and a "comp" group will propagate your article further.) 15536 You may also find it is more fun to post the article once in each 15537group. If you list all the newsgroups in the same article, some newsreaders 15538will only show the article to the reader once! Don't tolerate this. 15539 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 15540% 15541Dear Emily: 15542 Today I posted an article and forgot to include my signature. 15543What should I do? 15544 -- Forgetful 15545 15546Dear Forgetful: 15547 Rush to your terminal right away and post an article that says, 15548"Oops, I forgot to post my signature with that last article. Here 15549it is." 15550 Since most people will have forgotten your earlier article, 15551(particularly since it dared to be so boring as to not have a nice, juicy 15552signature) this will remind them of it. Besides, people care much more 15553about the signature anyway. 15554 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 15555% 15556Dear Emily, what about test messages? 15557 -- Concerned 15558 15559Dear Concerned: 15560 It is important, when testing, to test the entire net. Never test 15561merely a subnet distribution when the whole net can be done. Also put "please 15562ignore" on your test messages, since we all know that everybody always skips 15563a message with a line like that. Don't use a subject like "My sex is female 15564but I demand to be addressed as male." because such articles are read in depth 15565by all USEnauts. 15566 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 15567% 15568Dear Freshman, 15569 You don't know who I am and frankly shouldn't care, but 15570unknown to you we have something in common. We are both rather 15571prone to mistakes. I was elected Student Government President by 15572mistake, and you came to school here by mistake. 15573% 15574Dear Lord: 15575 I just want *___one* one-armed manager so I never have to hear "On 15576the other hand", again. 15577% 15578Dear Lord: Please make my words sweet and tender, for tomorrow I may 15579have to eat them. 15580% 15581Dear Miss Manners: 15582 My home economics teacher says that one must never place one's 15583elbows on the table. However, I have read that one elbow, in between 15584courses, is all right. Which is correct? 15585 15586Gentle Reader: 15587 For the purpose of answering examinations in your home 15588economics class, your teacher is correct. Catching on to this 15589principle of education may be of even greater importance to you now 15590than learning correct current table manners, vital as Miss Manners 15591believes that is. 15592% 15593Dear Miss Manners: 15594 Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from 15595your face. 15596 15597Gentle Reader: 15598 Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on 15599your face ... 15600% 15601Dear Miss Manners: 15602I carry a big black umbrella, even if there's just a thirty percent chance of 15603rain. May I ask a young lady who is a stranger to me to share its protection? 15604This morning, I was waiting for a bus in comparative comfort, my umbrella 15605protecting me from the downpour, and noticed an attractive young woman getting 15606soaked. I have often seen her at my bus stop, although we have never spoken, 15607and I don't even know her name. Could I have asked her to get under my 15608umbrella without seeming insulting? 15609 15610Gentle Reader: 15611Certainly. Consideration for those less fortunate than you is always proper, 15612although it would be more convincing if you stopped babbling about how 15613attractive she is. In order not to give Good Samaritanism a bad name, Miss 15614Manners asks you to allow her two or three rainy days of unmolested protection 15615before making your attack. 15616% 15617Dear Mister Language Person: I am curious about the expression, "Part 15618of this complete breakfast". The way it comes up is, my 5-year-old 15619will be watching TV cartoon shows in the morning, and they'll show a 15620commercial for a children's compressed breakfast compound such as 15621"Froot Loops" or "Lucky Charms", and they always show it sitting on a 15622table next to some actual food such as eggs, and the announcer always 15623says: "Part of this complete breakfast". Doesn't that really mean, 15624"Adjacent to this complete breakfast", or "On the same table as this 15625complete breakfast"? And couldn't they make essentially the same claim 15626if, instead of Froot Loops, they put a can of shaving cream there, or a 15627dead bat? 15628 15629Answer: Yes. 15630 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 15631% 15632Dear Mister Language Person: What is the purpose of the apostrophe? 15633 15634Answer: The apostrophe is used mainly in hand-lettered small business 15635signs to alert the reader that an "S" is coming up at the end of a 15636word, as in: WE DO NOT EXCEPT PERSONAL CHECK'S, or: NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR 15637ANY ITEM'S. Another important grammar concept to bear in mind when 15638creating hand-lettered small-business signs is that you should put 15639quotation marks around random words for decoration, as in "TRY" OUR HOT 15640DOG'S, or even TRY "OUR" HOT DOG'S. 15641 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 15642% 15643Dear Ms. Postnews: 15644 I couldn't get mail through to somebody on another site. What 15645 should I do? 15646 -- Eager Beaver 15647 15648Dear Eager: 15649 No problem, just post your message to a group that a lot of people 15650read. Say, "This is for John Smith. I couldn't get mail through so I'm 15651posting it. All others please ignore." 15652 This way tens of thousands of people will spend a few seconds scanning 15653over and ignoring your article, using up over 16 man-hours their collective 15654time, but you will be saved the terrible trouble of checking through usenet 15655maps or looking for alternate routes. Just think, if you couldn't distribute 15656your message to 9000 other computers, you might actually have to (gasp) call 15657directory assistance for 60 cents, or even phone the person. This can cost 15658as much as a few DOLLARS (!) for a 5 minute call! 15659 And certainly it's better to spend 10 to 20 dollars of other people's 15660money distributing the message than for you to have to waste $9 on an overnight 15661letter, or even 25 cents on a stamp! 15662 Don't forget. The world will end if your message doesn't get through, 15663so post it as many places as you can. 15664 -- Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions on Netiquette 15665% 15666Dear Sir, 15667 I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or 15668to the office, we have more than enough of them foisted upon us in public 15669places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result in the farmers 15670being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn will cause massive un- 15671employment in the already severely depressed agricultural industry. 15672 Yours faithfully, 15673 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P. 15674 Sevenoaks 15675 -- Letters To The Editor, The Times of London 15676% 15677DEATH: 15678 To stop sinning suddenly. 15679 -- Elbert Hubbard 15680% 15681Death before dishonor. 15682But neither before breakfast. 15683% 15684Death comes on every passing breeze, 15685He lurks in every flower; 15686Each season has its own disease, 15687Its peril -- every hour. 15688 -- Reginald Heber 15689% 15690Death has been proven to be 99% fatal in laboratory rats. 15691% 15692Death is a spirit leaving a body, sort 15693of like a shell leaving the nut behind. 15694 -- Erma Bombeck 15695% 15696Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. 15697% 15698Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired. 15699 -- R. Geis 15700% 15701Death is Nature's way of recycling human beings. 15702% 15703Death is nature's way of saying `Howdy'. 15704% 15705Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down. 15706% 15707Death is only a state of mind. 15708 15709Only it doesn't leave you much time to think about anything else. 15710% 15711Death rays don't kill people, people kill people! 15712% 15713Death to all fanatics! 15714% 15715DEATH WISH: 15716 The only wish that always comes true, whether or not one wishes it to. 15717% 15718Debug is human, de-fix divine. 15719% 15720DEC diagnostics would run on a dead whale. 15721 -- Mel Ferentz 15722% 15723Decemba, n: The 12th month of the year. 15724erra, n: A mistake. 15725faa, n: To, from, or at considerable distance. 15726Linder, n: A female name. 15727memba, n: To recall to the mind; think of again. 15728New Hampsha, n: A state in the northeast United States. 15729New Yaak, n: Another state in the northeast United States. 15730Novemba, n: The 11th month of the year. 15731Octoba, n: The 10th month of the year. 15732ova, n: Location above or across a specified position. What the 15733 season is when the Knicks quit playing. 15734 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary 15735% 15736Decision maker, n.: 15737 The person in your office who was unable to form a task force 15738before the music stopped. 15739% 15740DECISIONMAKER: 15741 The person in your office who was unable 15742 to form a task force before the music stopped. 15743% 15744Decisions of the judges will be final unless shouted down by a really 15745overwhelming majority of the crowd present. Abusive and obscene 15746language may not be used by contestants when addressing members of the 15747judging panel, or, conversely, by members of the judging panel when 15748addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang). 15749 -- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing 15750 Assoc. 15751% 15752Declared guilty... of displaying feelings of an almost human nature. 15753 -- Pink Floyd, "The Wall" 15754% 15755Decorate your home. It gives the illusion 15756that your life is more interesting than it really is. 15757 -- C. Schultz 15758% 15759"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of 15760marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a 15761theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah, 15762those who can claim "I've got a deep semantic theory", they are truly 15763blessed. 15764 -- Randy Davis 15765% 15766DEFAULT: 15767 The hardware's, of course. 15768% 15769default, n.: 15770 [Possibly from Black English "De fault wid dis system is you, 15771mon."] The vain attempt to avoid errors by inactivity. "Nothing will 15772come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear. 15773 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 15774% 15775Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat. 15776 -- Bill Musselman 15777% 15778#define BITCOUNT(x) (((BX_(x)+(BX_(x)>>4)) & 0x0F0F0F0F) % 255) 15779#define BX_(x) ((x) - (((x)>>1)&0x77777777) \ 15780 - (((x)>>2)&0x33333333) \ 15781 - (((x)>>3)&0x11111111)) 15782 15783 -- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word 15784% 15785Definitions of hardware and software for dummies: 15786 15787 Hardware is what you kick; 15788 Software is what you curse. 15789% 15790Deflector shields just came on, Captain. 15791% 15792(defun NF (a c) 15793 (cond ((null c) () ) 15794 ((atom (car c)) 15795 (append (list (eval (list 'getchar (list (car c) 'a) (cadr c)))) 15796 (nf a (cddr c)))) 15797 (t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c)))))) 15798 15799(defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area) 15800 (cond 15801 ((or (not (equal want-job 'yes)) 15802 (not (equal boston-area 'yes)) 15803 (lessp challenging 7)) () ) 15804 (t (append (nf (get 'ad 'expr) 15805 '((caaddr 1 caadr 2 car 1 car 1) 15806 (car 5 cadadr 9 cadadr 8 cadadr 9 caadr 4 car 2 car 1) 15807 (car 2 caadr 4))) 15808 (list '851-5071x2661))))) 15809;;; We are an affirmative action employer. 15810% 15811DEJA VU: 15812 French., already seen; unoriginal; trite. 15813 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced 15814 something actually being encountered for the first time. 15815 Psychol., The illusion of having previously experienced 15816 something actually being encountered for the first time. 15817% 15818Delay is preferable to error. 15819 -- Thomas Jefferson 15820% 15821Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly. 15822 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1 15823 15824Here is a letter, read it at your leisure. 15825 -- William Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1 15826 15827 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 15828 referring to I/O system services.] 15829% 15830Deliberate provocation of mystical experience, particularly by LSD and 15831related hallucinogens, in contrast to spontaneous visionary experiences, 15832entails dangers that must not be underestimated. Practitioners must take 15833into account the peculiar effects of these substances, namely their ability 15834to influence our consciousness, the innermost essence of our being. The 15835history of LSD to date amply demonstrates the catastrophic consequences that 15836can ensue when its profound effect is misjudged and the substance is mistaken 15837for a pleasure drug. Special internal and external advance preparations 15838are required; with them, an LSD experiment can become a meaningful experience. 15839 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman, the discoverer of LSD 15840 15841I believe that if people would learn to use LSD's vision-inducing capability 15842more wisely, under suitable conditions, in medical practice and in conjunction 15843with meditation, then in the future this problem child could become a wonder 15844child. 15845 -- Dr. Albert Hoffman 15846% 15847Deliberation, n.: 15848 The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is 15849buttered on. 15850 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15851% 15852Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow. 15853% 15854Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever 15855skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious 15856to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an 15857overdose of fluoride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic 15858apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless 15859as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a 15860steroid-free fitness center. 15861 -- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest 15862% 15863Delusions are often functional. A mother's opinions about 15864her children's beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad 15865nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth. 15866% 15867Demand the establishment of the government 15868in its rightful home at Disneyland. 15869% 15870Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors. 15871 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 15872% 15873Democracy can only be measured on the existence of an opposition. 15874 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 15875% 15876Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than 15877we deserve. 15878 -- George Bernard Shaw 15879% 15880Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder 15881aloud what the country could do under first-class management. 15882 -- Senator Soaper 15883% 15884Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the 15885incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few. 15886 -- George Bernard Shaw 15887% 15888Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you 15889don't think. 15890% 15891Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who 15892will get the blame. 15893 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter 15894% 15895Democracy is also a form of worship. 15896It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses. 15897 -- H. L. Mencken 15898% 15899Democracy is good. I say this because other systems are worse. 15900 -- Jawaharlal Nehru 15901% 15902Democracy is the name we give the people whenever we need them. 15903 -- Arman de Caillavet, 1913 15904% 15905Democracy is the recurrent suspicion that more than half of the people 15906are right more than half of the time. 15907 -- E. B. White 15908% 15909Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and 15910deserve to get it good and hard. 15911 -- H. L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916 15912% 15913Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other 15914forms that have been tried from time to time. 15915 -- Winston Churchill 15916% 15917Democracy, n.: 15918 A government of the masses. Authority derived through mass 15919meeting or any other form of direct expression. Results in mobocracy. 15920Attitude toward property is communistic... negating property rights. 15921Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate, 15922whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion, 15923prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences. 15924Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy. 15925 -- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932), 15926 since withdrawn. 15927% 15928Democracy, n.: 15929 In which you say what you like and do what you're told. 15930 -- Gerald Barry 15931 15932The difference between a Democracy and a Dictatorship is that in a 15933Democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a Dictatorship 15934you don't have to waste your time voting. 15935 -- Charles Bukowski 15936% 15937Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere. 15938Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group. 15939 15940Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA. 15941The remainder is thrown out. 15942 15943Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their paint brushes. 15944 15945Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper. 15946Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage. 15947 15948Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car 15949windows by Democrats. 15950 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules" 15951% 15952Demographic polls show that you have lost credibility across the 15953board. Especially with those 14 year-old Valley girls. 15954% 15955Dental health is next to mental health. 15956% 15957Dentist, n.: 15958 A Prestidigitator who, putting metal in one's mouth, pulls 15959coins out of one's pockets. 15960 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 15961% 15962Denver, n: 15963 A smallish city located just below the `O' in Colorado. 15964% 15965Depart in pieces, i.e., split. 15966% 15967Depart not from the path which fate has assigned you. 15968% 15969Department chairmen never die, they just lose their faculties. 15970% 15971Depend on the rabbit's foot if you will, 15972but remember, it didn't help the rabbit. 15973 -- R. E. Shay 15974% 15975Deprive a mirror of its silver and even the Czar won't see his face. 15976% 15977Der Horizont vieler Menschen ist ein Kreis mit Radius Null - 15978und das nennen sie ihren Standpunkt. 15979% 15980Design: 15981 What you regret not doing later on. 15982% 15983design, v: 15984 What you regret not doing later on. 15985% 15986Desist from enumerating your fowl 15987prior to their emergence from the shell. 15988% 15989Despising machines to a man, 15990The Luddites joined up with the Klan, 15991 And ride out by night 15992 In a sheeting of white 15993To lynch all the robots they can. 15994 -- C. M. and G. A. Maxson 15995% 15996Despite all appearances, your boss 15997is a thinking, feeling, human being. 15998% 15999Dessert is probably the most important stage of the meal, since it will 16000be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over 16001the table. 16002 -- The Anarchist Cookbook 16003% 16004Destiny is a good thing to accept when it's going your way. When it isn't, 16005don't call it destiny; call it injustice, treachery, or simple bad luck. 16006 -- Joseph Heller, "God Knows" 16007% 16008Detroit is Cleveland without the glitter. 16009% 16010DeVries' Dilemma: 16011 If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want 16012hits the paper. 16013% 16014Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of 16015fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch. 16016 -- L. Ron Hubbard 16017% 16018Dibble's First Law of Sociology: 16019 Some do, some don't. 16020% 16021Did I say 2? I lied. 16022% 16023Did it ever occur to you that fat chance 16024and slim chance mean the same thing? 16025 16026Or that we drive on parkways and park on driveways? 16027% 16028Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control 16029has already been born? 16030 -- Benny Hill 16031% 16032Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think 16033that's how dogs spend their lives. 16034 -- Sue Murphy 16035% 16036Did you ever wonder what you'd say to God if He sneezed? 16037% 16038"Did YOU find a DIGITAL WATCH in YOUR box of VELVEETA?" 16039 -- Zippy the Pinhead 16040% 16041Did you hear about the model who sat 16042on a broken bottle and cut a nice figure? 16043% 16044Did you hear that Captain Crunch, Sugar Bear, Tony the Tiger, and 16045Snap, Crackle and Pop were all murdered recently... 16046 16047Police suspect the work of a cereal killer! 16048% 16049Did you hear that there's a group of South American Indians that worship 16050the number zero? 16051 16052Is nothing sacred? 16053% 16054Did you hear that two rabbits escaped from the zoo and so far they have 16055only recaptured 116 of them? 16056% 16057Did you know? 16058 EVERY TIME A LOAF OF BREAD IS BAKED, 16059 APPROXIMATELY 16060 150,000,000 YEASTS ARE 16061 KILLED 16062 16063 Come to the award-winning 1987 film, 16064 "The Very Small and Quiet Screams" 16065 -- a cinematic electromicrograph of yeasts being baked. 16066 16067A must for those who care about yeast, and especially for those who don't. 16068 16069 SPONSORED BY 16070 Brown Anaerobe Rights Coalition (BARC) 16071 Student Bakers for Social Responsibility 16072 Coalition for the ELevation of Life (CELL) 16073 Campus Crusade for Fetal Matters 16074 16075Defend all life: "From greatest to least, from human to yeast!" 16076% 16077Did you know about the -o option of the fortune program? It makes a 16078selection from a set of offensive and/or obscene fortunes. Why not 16079try it, and see how offended you are? The -a ("all") option will 16080select a fortune at random from either the offensive or inoffensive 16081set, and it is suggested that "fortune -a" is the command that you 16082should have in your .profile or .cshrc. file. 16083% 16084Did you know that clones never use mirrors? 16085 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 16086% 16087Did you know that for the price of a 280-Z you can buy two Z-80's? 16088 -- P. J. Plauger 16089% 16090Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined 16091them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction? 16092% 16093Did you know ... 16094 16095That no-one ever reads these things? 16096% 16097Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot 16098that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states: 16099 16100 "Natasha! First we shoot jet, then we go after moose and 16101 squirrel." 16102 16103 -- ihuxw!tommyo 16104% 16105Did you know the University of Iowa 16106closed down after someone stole the book? 16107% 16108Didja' ever have to make up your mind, 16109Pick up on one and leave the other behind, 16110It's not often easy, and it's not often kind, 16111Didja' ever have to make up your mind? 16112 -- Lovin' Spoonful 16113% 16114Didja hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa? 16115% 16116"Didn't I buy a 1951 Packard from you last March in Cairo?" 16117 -- Zippy the Pinhead 16118% 16119"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a 16120conventional thing to happen to him." 16121 -- John Barrymore's dying words 16122% 16123Die, v.: 16124 To stop sinning suddenly. 16125 -- Elbert Hubbard 16126% 16127Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine. 16128 -- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989 16129% 16130Dieters live life in the fasting lane. 16131% 16132Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little. 16133% 16134Digital circuits are made from analog parts. 16135 -- Don Vonada 16136% 16137Dignity is like a flag. 16138It flaps in a storm. 16139 -- Roy Mengot 16140% 16141Dime is money. 16142% 16143Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term, convertible 16144only through the use of weird and unnatural conversion factors. Velocity, 16145for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. 16146% 16147Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term. 16148Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight. 16149% 16150Dinner is ready when the smoke alarm goes off. 16151% 16152Dinner suggestion #302 (Hacker's De-lite): 16153 1 tin imported Brisling sardines in tomato sauce 16154 1 pouch Chocolate Malt Carnation Instant Breakfast 16155 1 carton milk 16156% 16157Dinosaurs aren't extinct. They've just learned to hide in the trees. 16158% 16159Diogenes, having abandoned his search for 16160truth, is now searching for a good fantasy. 16161% 16162Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?", someone 16163asked him, after a few days. 16164 "Not too bad", replied Diogenes. "I still have my lantern." 16165% 16166Diplomacy is about surviving until the next century. 16167Politics is about surviving until Friday afternoon. 16168 -- Sir Humphrey Appleby 16169% 16170Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else have your way. 16171% 16172Diplomacy is the art of letting the other party have things your way. 16173 -- Daniele Vare 16174% 16175Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. 16176 -- Wynn Catlin 16177% 16178Diplomacy is to do and say, the nastiest thing in the nicest way. 16179 -- Balfour 16180% 16181diplomacy, n: 16182 Lying in state. 16183% 16184Dirksen's Three Laws of Politics: 16185 16186 1: Get elected. 16187 2: Get re-elected. 16188 3: Don't get mad, get even. 16189 -- Sen. Everett Dirksen 16190% 16191disbar, n: 16192 As distinguished from some other bar. 16193% 16194Disc space -- the final frontier! 16195% 16196Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my 16197employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely 16198coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is 16199non-deterministic. The question of the existence of views in the 16200absence of anyone to hold them is left as an exercise for the reader. 16201The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for 16202the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal, 16203non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.) 16204% 16205Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be 16206yours too." 16207 -- Dave Haynie 16208% 16209DISCLAIMER: 16210Use of this advanced computing technology does not imply 16211an endorsement of Western industrial civilization. 16212% 16213Disclose classified information only when a NEED TO KNOW exists. 16214% 16215Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art. 16216% 16217Disease can be cured; fate is incurable. 16218 -- Chinese proverb 16219% 16220Dishonor will not trouble me, once I am dead. 16221 -- Euripides 16222% 16223Disk crisis, please clean up! 16224% 16225Disks travel in packs. 16226% 16227Disraeli was pretty close: actually, there are Lies, Damn lies, Statistics, 16228Benchmarks, and Delivery dates. 16229% 16230Distance doesn't make you any smaller, 16231but it does make you part of a larger picture. 16232% 16233Distinctive, adj.: 16234 A different color or shape than our competitors. 16235% 16236Distress, n.: 16237 A disease incurred by exposure to the prosperity of a friend. 16238 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 16239% 16240District of Columbia pedestrians who leap over passing autos to escape 16241injury, and then strike the car as they come down, are liable for any 16242damage inflicted on the vehicle. 16243% 16244Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight 16245acquaintance and without any visible reason. 16246 -- Lord Chesterfield 16247% 16248Ditat Deus. (God enriches.) 16249% 16250Divorce is a game played by lawyers. 16251 -- Cary Grant 16252% 16253Do clones have navels? 16254% 16255Do I like getting drunk? Depends on who's doing the drinking. 16256 -- Amy Gorin 16257% 16258Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery? 16259% 16260Do Miami a favor. When you leave, take someone with you. 16261% 16262Do molecular biologists wear designer genes? 16263% 16264Do more than anyone expects, and pretty soon everyone will expect more. 16265% 16266Do not believe in miracles -- rely on them. 16267% 16268Do not clog intellect's sluices with bits of knowledge of questionable uses. 16269% 16270Do not count your chickens before they are hatched. 16271 -- Aesop 16272% 16273Do not despair of life. You have no doubt force enough to overcome 16274your obstacles. Think of the fox prowling through wood and field in 16275a winter night for something to satisfy his hunger. Notwithstanding 16276cold and hounds and traps, his race survives. I do not believe any 16277of them ever committed suicide. 16278 -- Henry David Thoreau 16279% 16280Do not do unto others as you would they should do unto you. 16281Their tastes may not be the same. 16282 -- George Bernard Shaw 16283% 16284Do not drink coffee in early a.m. It will keep you awake until noon. 16285% 16286Do not handicap your children by making their lives easy. 16287 -- Robert A. Heinlein 16288% 16289Do not meddle in the affairs of troff, for it is subtle and quick to 16290anger. 16291% 16292"Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, for you are crunchy and good 16293with ketchup." 16294% 16295Do not meddle in the affairs of wizards, 16296for they become soggy and hard to light. 16297 16298Do not throw cigarette butts in the urinal, 16299for they are subtle and quick to anger. 16300% 16301Do not overtax your powers. 16302% 16303Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. 16304Violators will be prosecuted. 16305(Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.)) 16306% 16307Do not seek death; death will find you. 16308But seek the road which makes death a fulfillment. 16309 -- Dag Hammarskjold 16310% 16311Do not simplify the design of a program if a way 16312can be found to make it complex and wonderful. 16313% 16314Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight. 16315% 16316Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch. 16317% 16318Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive. 16319% 16320Do not think by infection, catching an opinion like a cold. 16321% 16322Do not try to solve all life's problems at once -- learn to dread each 16323day as it comes. 16324 -- Donald Kaul 16325% 16326Do not underestimate the power of the Farce. 16327% 16328Do not use that foreign word "ideals". We have that excellent native 16329word "lies". 16330 -- Henrik Ibsen, "The Wild Duck" 16331% 16332Do not use the blue keys on this terminal. 16333% 16334Do not worry about which side your 16335bread is buttered on: you eat BOTH sides. 16336% 16337Do nothing unless you must, and when you must act -- hesitate. 16338% 16339Do, or do not; there is no try. 16340% 16341Do people know you have freckles everywhere? 16342% 16343Do something unusual today. Pay a bill. 16344% 16345Do students of Zen Buddhism do Om-work? 16346% 16347Do unto others before they undo you. 16348% 16349Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum. 16350% 16351Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. 16352 -- Aleister Crowley 16353% 16354Do what you can to prolong your life, 16355in the hope that someday you'll learn what it's for. 16356% 16357Do you believe in intuition? 16358No, but I have a strange feeling that someday I will. 16359% 16360Do you feel personally responsible for the world food shortage? 16361Every time you go to the beach, does the tide come in? 16362Have you ever eaten an entire moose? 16363Can you see your neck? 16364Do joggers take laps around you for exercise? 16365If so, welcome to National Fat Week. 16366This week we'll eat without guilt, and kick off our membership campaign, 16367 ...by force-feeding a box of cornstarch to a skinny person. 16368 -- Garfield 16369% 16370Do you guys know what you're doing, or are you just hacking? 16371% 16372Do you have lysdexia? 16373% 16374Do YOU have redeeming social value? 16375% 16376Do you know, I think that Dr. Swift was silly to laugh about Laputa. 16377I believe it is a mistake to make a mock of people, just because they 16378think. There are ninety thousand people in this world who do not 16379think, for every one who does, and these people hate the thinkers 16380like poison. Even if some thinkers are fanciful, it is wrong to make 16381fun of them for it. Better to think about cucumbers even, than not 16382to think at all. 16383 -- T. H. White 16384% 16385Do you know Montana? 16386% 16387Do you know the difference between education and experience? Education 16388is when you read the fine print; experience is what you get when you don't. 16389 -- Pete Seeger 16390% 16391Do you mean that you not only want a wrong 16392answer, but a certain wrong answer? 16393 -- Tobaben 16394% 16395Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take 16396the time to take the dirt out of them? 16397% 16398Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I'm the only person standing 16399between Nixon and the White House. 16400 -- John F. Kennedy, in 1960 16401% 16402Do you suffer painful elimination? 16403 -- Donald E. Knuth, "Structured Programming with Gotos" 16404 16405Do you suffer painful recrimination? 16406 -- Nancy Boxer, "Structured Programming with Come-froms" 16407 16408Do you suffer painful illumination? 16409 -- Isaac Newton, "Optics" 16410 16411Do you suffer painful hallucination? 16412 -- Don Juan, cited by Carlos Casteneda 16413% 16414Do you think that illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup? 16415% 16416Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he 16417just whipped out a quarter? 16418 -- Steven Wright 16419% 16420"Do you think there's a God?" 16421"Well, SOMEbody's out to get me!" 16422 -- Calvin and Hobbs 16423% 16424"Do you think what we're doing is wrong?" 16425"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" 16426"I've never done anything illegal before." 16427"I thought you said you were an accountant!" 16428% 16429Do you think your mother and I should have lived 16430comfortably so long together if ever we had been married? 16431% 16432Do you want to know what's ahead for you, in your happiness at home, 16433your business success? Here's a telling test: Look in the mirror. Is 16434your skin smooth and lovely, your hair gleaming, your make-up glamorous? 16435Are you slender enough for your height? Do you stand erect, confident? 16436Yes? Then you are on your way to success as a woman. 16437 -- Ladies' Home Journal, 1947 advertisement 16438% 16439Do your otters do the shimmy? 16440Do they like to shake their tails? 16441Do your wombats sleep in tophats? 16442Is your garden full of snails? 16443% 16444Do your part to help preserve life on 16445Earth -- by trying to preserve your own. 16446% 16447Doctors and lawyers must go to school for years and years, often with 16448little sleep and with great sacrifice to their first wives. 16449 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr. 16450% 16451Documentation: 16452 Instructions translated from Swedish by Japanese for English 16453 speaking persons. 16454% 16455Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and 16456when it is bad, it is better than nothing. 16457 -- Dick Brandon 16458% 16459Documentation is the castor oil of programming. Managers know it must 16460be good because the programmers hate it so much. 16461% 16462Does a good farmer neglect a crop he has planted? 16463Does a good teacher overlook even the most humble student? 16464Does a good father allow a single child to starve? 16465Does a good programmer refuse to maintain his code? 16466 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 16467% 16468Does a one-legged duck swim in a circle? 16469% 16470Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 16471% 16472Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people 16473and the rest of us. 16474% 16475Doin' it in the dark, down in Rock Creek Park. 16476% 16477Doing gets it done. 16478% 16479Domestic happiness and faithful friends. 16480% 16481Don: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she 16482 pretty? 16483W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of 16484 bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to 16485 sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia. 16486Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative. 16487W. C.: It's almost impossible. 16488 -- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson 16489 E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles" 16490% 16491Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow. 16492% 16493Don't abandon hope. 16494Your Captain Midnight decoder ring arrives tomorrow. 16495% 16496Don't assume that every sad-eyed woman has loved and lost -- she may 16497have got him. 16498% 16499Don't be concerned, it will not harm you, 16500It's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of, 16501Across my dreams, with neptive wonder, 16502I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love. 16503% 16504Don't be humble ... you're not that great. 16505 -- Golda Meir 16506% 16507Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted. 16508% 16509Don't be overly suspicious where it's not warranted. 16510% 16511Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. 16512% 16513Don't buy a landslide. I don't want to have to pay for one more vote 16514than I have to. 16515 -- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy 16516% 16517Don't change the reason, just change the excuses! 16518 -- Joe Cointment 16519% 16520"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly, 16521sincerely, extremely dangerously. 16522 16523They used dogs. They used probes. They used cardio plate crossoffs. 16524They used teepers. They used bribery. They used stick tites. They 16525used intimidation. They used torment. They used torture. They used 16526finks. They used cops. They used search and seizure. They used 16527fallaron. They used betterment incentives. They used finger prints. 16528They used the bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. 16529They used treachery. They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. 16530They used applied physics. They used techniques of criminology. And 16531what the hell, they caught him. 16532 16533 -- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the 16534 Tick-Tock Man" 16535% 16536Don't compare floating point numbers solely for equality. 16537% 16538Don't confuse things that need action 16539with those that take care of themselves. 16540% 16541Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today! 16542% 16543Don't crush that dwarf, hand me the pliers! 16544 -- Firesign Theatre 16545% 16546Don't despair; your ideal lover is waiting for you around the corner. 16547% 16548Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day. 16549 -- Josh Billings 16550% 16551Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time. 16552 -- Lt. Col. Ollie North 16553% 16554Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it. 16555% 16556Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail. 16557 -- Seen in a Ladies Room at Harvard 16558% 16559Don't eat yellow snow. 16560% 16561Don't ever slam a door; you might want to go back. 16562% 16563Don't everyone thank me at once! 16564 -- Han Solo 16565% 16566Don't expect people to keep in step-- 16567it's hard enough just staying in line. 16568% 16569Don't feed the bats tonight. 16570% 16571Don't force it, get a larger hammer. 16572 -- Anthony 16573% 16574Don't get even -- get odd! 16575% 16576Don't get mad, get even. 16577 -- Joseph P. Kennedy 16578 16579Don't get even, get jewelry. 16580 -- Anonymous 16581% 16582Don't get mad, get interest. 16583% 16584Don't get stuck in a closet -- wear yourself out. 16585% 16586Don't get suckered in by the comments -- they can be terribly 16587misleading. Debug only code. 16588 -- Dave Storer 16589% 16590Don't get to bragging. 16591% 16592"Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes 16593you nothing. It was here first." 16594 -- Mark Twain 16595% 16596Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while. 16597% 16598Don't go to bed with no price on your head. 16599 -- Baretta 16600% 16601Don't guess - check your security regulations. 16602% 16603Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon. 16604% 16605Don't have good ideas if you aren't willing to be responsible for them. 16606% 16607Don't hit a man when he's down -- kick him; it's easier. 16608% 16609Don't hit the keys so hard, it hurts. 16610% 16611Don't I know you? 16612% 16613Don't interfere with the stranger's style. 16614% 16615Don't just eat a hamburger; eat the HELL out of it. 16616 -- J. R. "Bob" Dobbs 16617% 16618Don't kid yourself. Little is relevant, and nothing lasts forever. 16619% 16620Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today. 16621% 16622Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam. 16623% 16624Don't know what time I'll be back, Mom. 16625Probably soon after she throws me out. 16626% 16627Don't let go of what you've got hold of, 16628until you have hold of something else. 16629 -- First Rule of Wing Walking 16630% 16631Don't let nobody tell you what you cannot do; 16632don't let nobody tell you what's impossible for you; 16633don't let nobody tell you what you got to do, 16634or you'll never know ... what's on the other side of the rainbow... 16635remember, if you don't follow your dreams, 16636you'll never know what's on the other side of the rainbow... 16637 -- melba moore, "the other side of the rainbow" 16638% 16639Don't let people drive you crazy when you know it's in walking distance. 16640% 16641Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone. 16642% 16643Don't let your status become too quo! 16644% 16645Don't look back, the lemmings might be gaining on you. 16646% 16647Don't look now, but the man in the moon is laughing at you. 16648% 16649Don't look now, but there is a multi-legged creature on your shoulder. 16650% 16651Don't lose 16652Your head 16653To gain a minute 16654You need your head 16655Your brains are in it. 16656 -- Burma Shave 16657% 16658Don't make a big deal out of everything; just deal with everything. 16659% 16660Don't marry for money; you can borrow it cheaper. 16661 -- Scottish proverb 16662% 16663Don't mind him; politicians always sound like that. 16664% 16665Don't plan any hasty moves. 16666You'll be evicted soon anyway. 16667% 16668Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy 16669it today you can do it again tomorrow. 16670% 16671Don't put off for tomorrow what you can do today because 16672if you do it today, you can do it again tomorrow. 16673% 16674Don't put too fine a point to your wit for fear it should get blunted. 16675 -- Miguel de Cervantes 16676% 16677Don't quit now, we might just as well 16678lock the door and throw away the key. 16679% 16680Don't read any sky-writing for the next two weeks. 16681% 16682Don't read everything you believe. 16683% 16684Don't relax! It's only your tension that's holding you together. 16685% 16686Don't remember what you can infer. 16687 -- Harry Tennant 16688% 16689Don't say "yes" until I finish talking. 16690 -- Darryl F. Zanuck 16691% 16692Don't shoot until you're sure you both aren't on the same side. 16693% 16694Don't shout for help at night. You might wake your neighbors. 16695 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts" 16696% 16697Don't smoke the next cigarette. Repeat. 16698% 16699Don't speak about Time, until you have spoken to him. 16700% 16701Don't steal... the IRS hates competition! 16702% 16703Don't steal; thou'lt never thus compete successfully in business. 16704Cheat. 16705 -- Ambrose Bierce 16706% 16707Don't stop to stomp ants when the elephants are stampeding. 16708% 16709Don't suspect your friends -- turn them in! 16710 -- "Brazil" 16711% 16712Don't sweat it -- it's only ones and zeros. 16713 -- P. Skelly 16714% 16715Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card. 16716 -- Richard Daley, advising on the safe enjoyment of graft 16717% 16718Don't take life seriously, you'll never get out alive. 16719% 16720Don't take life so serious, son, it ain't nohow permanent. 16721 -- Walt Kelly 16722% 16723Don't take life too seriously -- you'll never get out of it alive. 16724% 16725Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, 16726sodomy and the lash. 16727 -- Winston Churchill 16728% 16729Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. 16730% 16731Don't tell me how hard you work. Tell me how much you get done. 16732 -- James J. Ling 16733% 16734"Don't tell me I'm burning the candle at both ends -- tell me where to 16735get more wax!!" 16736% 16737Don't tell me that worry doesn't do any good. 16738I know better. The things I worry about don't happen. 16739 -- Watchman Examiner 16740% 16741Don't tell me what you dream'd last night for I've been reading Freud. 16742% 16743Don't try to have the last word -- you might get it. 16744 -- Lazarus Long 16745% 16746Don't try to outweird me, three-eyes. I get stranger things than you free 16747with my breakfast cereal. 16748 -- Zaphod Beeblebrox 16749% 16750Don't vote - it only encourages them! 16751% 16752Don't wake me up too soon... 16753Gonna take a ride across the moon... 16754You and me. 16755% 16756Don't worry. Life's too long. 16757 -- Vincent Sardi, Jr. 16758% 16759Don't worry -- the brontosaurus is slow, stupid, and placid. 16760% 16761Don't worry about avoiding temptation -- as you grow older, it starts 16762avoiding you. 16763 -- The Old Farmer's Almanac 16764% 16765"Don't worry about people stealing your ideas. If your ideas are any 16766good, you'll have to ram them down people's throats." 16767 -- Howard Aiken 16768% 16769Don't worry about the world coming to an end today. It's already 16770tomorrow in Australia. 16771 -- Charles Schultz 16772% 16773Don't Worry, Be Happy. 16774 -- Meher Baba 16775% 16776Don't worry if you're a kleptomaniac, 16777you can always take something for it. 16778% 16779Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too 16780busy worrying over what you are thinking about them. 16781% 16782Don't worry so loud, your roommate can't think. 16783% 16784Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in? 16785% 16786"Don't you think what we're doing is wrong?" 16787"Of course it's wrong! It's illegal!" 16788"Well, I've never done anything illegal before." 16789"... I thought you said you were an accountant." 16790% 16791Don't you wish that all the people who sincerely 16792want to help you could agree with each other? 16793% 16794Don't you wish you had more energy... or less ambition? 16795% 16796Dorothy: But how can you talk without a brain? 16797Scarecrow: Well, I don't know... but some people 16798 without brains do an awful lot of talking. 16799 -- Judy Garland and Ray Bolger, "The Wizard of Oz" 16800% 16801Double! 16802% 16803Double-Blind Experiment, n.: 16804 An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is 16805fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a 16806strong belief in the tooth fairy. 16807% 16808Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one. 16809 -- Voltaire 16810% 16811Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd. 16812 -- Voltaire 16813% 16814Doubt isn't the opposite of faith; it is an element of faith. 16815 -- Paul Tillich, German theologian 16816% 16817Down to the Banana Republics, 16818Down to the tropical sun. 16819Go the expatriated Americans, 16820Hoping to find some fun. 16821Some of them go for the sailing, 16822Caught by the lure of the sea. 16823Trying to find what is ailing, 16824Living in the land of the free. 16825Some of them are running from lovers, 16826Leaving no forward address. 16827Some of them are running tons of ganja, 16828Some are running from the IRS. 16829Late at night you will find them, 16830In the cheap hotels and bars. 16831Hustling the senoritas, 16832While they dance beneath the stars. 16833 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Banana Republics" 16834% 16835Down with the categorical imperative! 16836% 16837Dow's Law: 16838 In a hierarchical organization, 16839 the higher the level, the greater the confusion. 16840% 16841Dozens of bears are found dead in Alaska and Canada every summer, killed 16842by blood lost to the voracious mosquito. The estimated life-expectancy 16843of a naked man on the tundra in summer is about 15 minutes. In that 16844time, approximately 250,000 mosquitoes would have drawn enough blood to 16845kill him. 16846 -- Gus McLeavy, "Day-by-Day Trivia Almanac" 16847% 16848Dr. Fritzkee's Lucky Astrology Diet 16849 16850The problem with the diets of today is that most women who do achieve 16851that magic weight, seventy-six pounds, are still fat. Dr. Fritzkee's 16852Lucky Astrology Diet is a sure-fire method of reducing with the added 16853luxury that you never feel hungry. 16854 16855Here's how the diet works: 16856 16857 FOODS ALLOWED 16858First Month: One egg 16859Second Month: A raisin 16860Third Month: Pumpkin pie with whipped cream and chocolate sauce. 16861 16862If after the third month you haven't gotten to your dream weight, try 16863lopping off parts of your body until those scales tip just right for you. 16864% 16865Dr. Jekyll had something to Hyde. 16866% 16867Dr. Livingston? 16868Dr. Livingston I. Presume? 16869% 16870Drakenberg's Discovery: 16871 If you can't seem to find your glasses, 16872 it's probably because you don't have them on. 16873% 16874Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing. 16875% 16876Dreams are free, but there's a small charge for alterations. 16877% 16878Dreams are free, but you get soaked on the connect time. 16879% 16880Drew's Law of Highway Biology: 16881 The first bug to hit a clean windshield lands directly in front 16882of your eyes. 16883% 16884Drilling for oil is boring. 16885% 16886Drink and dance and laugh and lie 16887Love, the reeling midnight through 16888For tomorrow we shall die! 16889(But, alas, we never do.) 16890 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Flaw in Paganism" 16891% 16892Drink Canada Dry! You might not succeed, but it *__is* fun trying. 16893% 16894Drinking coffee for instant relaxation? That's like drinking alcohol for 16895instant motor skills. 16896 -- Marc Price 16897% 16898Drinking is not a spectator sport. 16899 -- Jim Brosnan 16900% 16901Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin 16902with, that it's compounding a felony. 16903 -- Robert Benchley 16904% 16905Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam: 16906that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals. 16907 -- Pierre de Beaumarchais, "Le Marriage de Figaro" 16908% 16909Drive defensively. Buy a tank. 16910% 16911Driving in Texas is simple. For the first 100 miles you swerve to 16912avoid jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever 16913jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the 16914brush after them. 16915% 16916Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out 16917of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever 16918seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a 16919priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder. 16920"Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your 16921life!" 16922% 16923Drop that pickle! 16924% 16925DROP THE DAMN BEAR!!! 16926 -- The Adventurer 16927% 16928Drop the vase and it will become a Ming of the past. 16929 -- The Adventurer 16930% 16931drug, n: 16932 A substance that, when injected into a rat, produces a scientific 16933 paper. 16934% 16935Drugs may be the road to nowhere, but at least they're the scenic route! 16936% 16937Drunks are rarely amusing unless they know some good songs and lose a 16938lot a poker. 16939 -- Karyl Roosevelt 16940% 16941Ducharme's Axiom: 16942 If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize 16943yourself as part of the problem. 16944% 16945Ducharme's Precept: 16946 Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. 16947% 16948Ducharme's Precept: 16949 Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment. 16950 16951Ducharme's Axiom: 16952 If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize 16953 yourself as part of the problem. 16954% 16955Duckies are fun! 16956% 16957Ducks? What ducks?? 16958% 16959Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a dark side, and 16960it holds the universe together ... 16961 -- Carl Zwanzig 16962% 16963Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders 16964has been discontinued. 16965% 16966Due to circumstances beyond your control, you are master of your fate 16967and captain of your soul. 16968% 16969Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been 16970discontinued. 16971% 16972Dungeons and Dragons is just a lot of Saxon Violence. 16973% 16974During almost fifteen centuries the legal establishment of Christianity has 16975been upon trial. What has been its fruits? More or less, in all places, 16976pride and indolence in the clergy; ignorance and servility in the laity,; 16977in both, superstition, bigotry, and persecution. 16978 -- James Madison 16979% 16980During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several 16981times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o 16982% 16983During the next two hours, the VAX will be going up and down 16984several times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~ 16985{o[po ~poodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o 16986% 16987During the Reagan-Mondale debates: 16988 16989Q: "Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to 16990 perform as president?" 16991Reagan: "I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and 16992 inexperience." 16993% 16994During the voyage of life, remember to keep an eye out for a 16995fair wind; batten down during a storm; hail all passing ships; 16996and fly your colors proudly. 16997% 16998Dustin Farnum: Why, yesterday, I had the audience glued to their seats! 16999Oliver Herford: Wonderful! Wonderful! Clever of you to think of it! 17000 -- Brian Herbert, "Classic Comebacks" 17001% 17002Duty, n: 17003 What one expects from others. 17004 -- Oscar Wilde 17005% 17006"Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have 17007nothing whatever to do with it." 17008 -- W. Somerset Maugham 17009% 17010Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. My advice to you is to have 17011nothing whatever to do with it. 17012 -- W. Somerset Maugham, his last words 17013% 17014Dying is easy. Comedy is difficult. 17015 -- Actor Edmond Gween, on his deathbed 17016% 17017Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. 17018 -- Woody Allen 17019% 17020E = MC ** 2 +- 3db 17021% 17022E Pluribus Unix 17023% 17024Each man is his own prisoner, in solitary confinement for life. 17025% 17026Each new user of a new system uncovers a new class of bugs. 17027 -- Kernighan 17028% 17029Each of these cults correspond to one of the two antagonists in the age of 17030Reformation. In the realm of the Apple Macintosh, as in Catholic Europe, 17031worshipers peer devoutly into screens filled with "icons." All is sound and 17032imagery and Appledom. Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic 17033typefaces. The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in 17034the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen. A central 17035corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices. 17036Infallible doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs 17037in a sealed boardroom. Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the 17038offender is excommunicated into outer darkness. The expelled heretic founds 17039a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer, 17040then disappears into silence, taking his stockholders with him. The mother 17041company forbids financial competition as sternly as it stifles ideological 17042competition; if you want to use computer programs that conform to Apple's 17043orthodoxy, you must buy a computer made and sold by Apple itself. 17044 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 17045% 17046Each of us bears his own Hell. 17047 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 17048% 17049Each person has the right to take part in the management of public affairs 17050in his country, provided he has prior experience, a will to succeed, a 17051university degree, influential parents, good looks, a curriculum vitae, two 170523 X 4 snapshots, and a good tax record. 17053% 17054Each person has the right to take the subway. 17055% 17056Eagleson's Law: 17057 Any code of your own that you haven't looked at for six or more 17058months, might as well have been written by someone else. (Eagleson is 17059an optimist, the real number is more like three weeks.) 17060% 17061EARL GREY PROFILES 17062 17063NAME: Jean-Luc Perriwinkle Picard 17064OCCUPATION: Starship Big Cheese 17065AGE: 94 17066BIRTHPLACE: Paris, Terra Sector 17067EYES: Grey 17068SKIN: Tanned 17069HAIR: Not much 17070LAST MAGAZINE READ: 17071 Lobes 'n' Probes, the Ferengi-Betazoid Sex Quarterly 17072TEA: Earl Grey. Hot. 17073 17074EARL GREY NEVER VARIES. 17075% 17076Earl Wiener, 55, a University of Miami professor of management 17077science, telling the Airline Pilots Association (in jest) about 1707821st century aircraft: 17079 17080 "The crew will consist of one pilot and a dog. The pilot will 17081 nurture and feed the dog. The dog will be there to bite the 17082 pilot if he touches anything. 17083 -- Fortune, Sept. 26, 1988 17084% 17085Early to bed and early to rise and you'll 17086be groggy when everyone else is wide awake. 17087% 17088Early to rise and early to bed makes 17089a man healthy and wealthy and dead. 17090 -- James Thurber 17091% 17092Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends. 17093% 17094Earth Destroyed by Solar Flare -- film clips at eleven. 17095% 17096/earth: file system full. 17097% 17098/earth is 98% full ... please delete anyone you can. 17099% 17100Earth is a beta site. 17101% 17102Earth is a great, big funhouse without the fun. 17103 -- Jeff Berner 17104% 17105Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: 17106 Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the 17107cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the original color of 17108the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this 17109means the puzzle is solved. 17110 -- Steve Rubenstein 17111% 17112Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube: Black. 17113 17114Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the cube, and each of 17115side of the cube will now be the original color of the plastic underneath 17116-- black. According to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved. 17117% 17118Easy come and easy go, 17119 some call me easy money, 17120Sometimes life is full of laughs, 17121 and sometimes it ain't funny 17122You may think that I'm a fool 17123 and sometimes that is true, 17124But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire, 17125 with or without you. 17126 -- Hoyt Axton 17127% 17128Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it. 17129 -- Harry Secombe's diet 17130% 17131Eat, drink, and be merry! Tomorrow you may be in Utah. 17132% 17133Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal. 17134% 17135Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we diet. 17136% 17137Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work. 17138% 17139Eat one live frog the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will 17140happen to either of you for the rest of the day. 17141% 17142Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse 17143will happen to you the rest of the day. 17144 17145[Well, actually, to either of you... Ed.] 17146% 17147Eat right, stay fit, and die anyway. 17148% 17149Eating chocolate is like being in love without the aggravation. 17150% 17151Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. 17152 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 17153% 17154Economics, n.: 17155 Economics is the study of the value and meaning of J. K. 17156Galbraith ... 17157 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 17158% 17159Economies of scale: 17160 The notion that bigger is better. In particular, that if you want 17161 a certain amount of computer power, it is much better to buy one 17162 biggie than a bunch of smallies. Accepted as an article of faith 17163 by people who love big machines and all that complexity. Rejected 17164 as an article of faith by those who love small machines and all 17165 those limitations. 17166% 17167economist, n: 17168 Someone who's good with figures, but doesn't have enough 17169 personality to become an accountant. 17170% 17171Economists can certainly disappoint you. One said that the economy 17172would turn up by the last quarter. Well, I'm down to mine and it 17173hasn't. 17174 -- Robert Orben 17175% 17176Economists state their GNP growth projections to the nearest tenth of a 17177percentage point to prove they have a sense of humor. 17178 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 17179% 17180Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent. 17181 -- Fred Allen 17182% 17183Editing is a rewording activity. 17184% 17185Education and religion are two things not regulated by supply and 17186demand. The less of either the people have, the less they want. 17187 -- Charlotte Observer, 1897 17188% 17189Education is an admirable thing, but it is well to remember from time to 17190time that nothing that is worth knowing can be taught. 17191 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Critic as Artist" 17192% 17193Education is learning what you didn't even know you didn't know. 17194 -- Daniel J. Boorstin 17195% 17196Education is the process of casting false pearls before real swine. 17197 -- Irwin Edman 17198% 17199Education is what survives when what has been learnt has been forgotten. 17200 -- B. F. Skinner 17201% 17202Educational television should be absolutely forbidden. It can only lead 17203to unreasonable disappointment when your child discovers that the letters 17204of the alphabet do not leap up out of books and dance around with 17205royal-blue chickens. 17206 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 17207% 17208Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, the spirits are about to speak! 17209 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose 17210% 17211Eeny, Meeny, Jelly Beanie, 17212The spirits are about to speak... 17213% 17214Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks. 17215 -- Adlai Stevenson 17216% 17217Eggnog is a traditional holiday drink invented by the English. Many 17218people wonder where the word "eggnog" comes from. The first syllable 17219comes from the English word "egg", meaning "egg". I don't know where 17220the "nog" comes from. 17221 17222To make eggnog, you'll need rum, whiskey, wine, gin and, if they are in 17223season, eggs... 17224% 17225Ego sum ens omnipotens 17226% 17227Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain 17228of being a damned fool. 17229 -- Bellamy Brooks 17230% 17231Egotism is the anesthetic which numbs the pain of stupidity. 17232% 17233Egotism, n.: 17234 Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen. 17235% 17236Egotist, n.: 17237 A person of low taste, more interested in himself than me. 17238 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 17239% 17240egrep -n '^[a-z].*\(' $ | sort -t':' +2.0 17241% 17242Ehrman's Commentary: 17243 (1) Things will get worse before they get better. 17244 (2) Who said things would get better? 17245% 17246Eighty percent of air pollution comes from plants and trees. 17247 -- Ronald Reagan, famous movie star 17248% 17249...eighty years later he could still recall with the young pang of his 17250original joy his falling in love with Ada. 17251 -- Nabokov 17252% 17253Einstein argued that there must be simplified explanations of nature, because 17254God is not capricious or arbitrary. No such faith comforts the software 17255engineer. 17256 -- Frederick Brooks 17257% 17258Either I'm dead or my watch has stopped. 17259 -- Groucho Marx' last words 17260% 17261ELBONICS: 17262 The actions of two people maneuvering for one 17263 armrest in a movie theatre. 17264 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 17265% 17266Eleanor Rigby 17267 Sits at the keyboard 17268 And waits for a line on the screen 17269Lives in a dream 17270Waits for a signal 17271 Finding some code 17272 That will make the machine do some more. 17273What is it for? 17274 17275All the lonely users, where do they all come from? 17276All the lonely users, why does it take so long? 17277% 17278Eleanor Rigby 17279 Sits at the keyboard 17280 And waits for a line on the screen 17281Lives in a dream 17282Waits for a signal 17283 Finding some code 17284 That will make the machine do some more. 17285What is it for? 17286 17287All the lonely users, where do they all come from? 17288All the lonely users, why does it take so long? 17289 17290Hacker MacKensie 17291 Writing the code for a program 17292 that no one will run 17293It's nearly done 17294Look at him working, 17295 fixing the bugs in the night 17296 when there's nobody there. 17297What does he care? 17298 17299All the lonely users, where do they all come from? 17300All the lonely users, why does it take so long? 17301Ah, look at all the lonely users. 17302Ah, look at all the lonely users. 17303% 17304ELECTRIC JELL-O 17305 173062 boxes JELL-O brand gelatin 2 packages Knox brand unflavored gelatin 173072 cups fruit (any variety) 2+ cups water 173081/2 bottle Everclear brand grain alcohol 17309 17310Mix JELL-O and Knox gelatin into 2 cups of boiling water. Stir 'til 17311 fully dissolved. 17312Pour hot mixture into a flat pan. (JELL-O molds won't work.) 17313Stir in grain alcohol instead of usual cold water. Remove any congealing 17314 glops of slime. (Alcohol has an unusual effect on excess JELL-O.) 17315Pour in fruit to desired taste, and to absorb any excess alcohol. 17316Mix in some cold water to dilute the alcohol and make it easier to eat for 17317 the faint of heart. 17318Refrigerate overnight to allow mixture to fully harden. (About 8-12 hours.) 17319Cut into squares and enjoy! 17320 17321WARNING: 17322 Keep ingredients away from open flame. Not recommended for 17323 children under eight years of age. 17324% 17325Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance. 17326% 17327Electrocution, n.: 17328 Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements. 17329% 17330Elegance and truth are inversely related. 17331 -- Becker's Razor 17332% 17333Elephant, n: 17334 A mouse built to government specifications. 17335% 17336Elevators smell different to midgets. 17337% 17338Eleventh Law of Acoustics: 17339 In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between 17340 frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they 17341 are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with 17342 minimalization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct 17343 compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can 17344 lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However, 17345 of course, this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd. 17346% 17347Eli and Bessie went to sleep. 17348In the middle of the night, Bessie nudged Eli. 17349 "Please be so kindly and close the window. It's cold outside!" 17350Half asleep, Eli murmured, 17351 "Nu ... so if I'll close the window, will it be warm outside?" 17352% 17353Elliptic paraboloids for sale. 17354% 17355Elliptical, n: 17356 The feel of a kiss. 17357% 17358Eloquence is logic on fire. 17359% 17360Elwood: What kind of music do you get here ma'am? 17361Barmaid: Why, we get both kinds of music, Country and Western. 17362% 17363Emacs, n: 17364 A slow-moving parody of a text editor. 17365% 17366Emerson's Law of Contrariness: 17367 Our chief want in life is somebody who shall make us do what we 17368can. Having found them, we shall then hate them for it. 17369% 17370Encyclopedia for sale by father. 17371Son knows everything. 17372% 17373Encyclopedia Salesmen: 17374 Invite them all in. Nip out the back door. Phone the police 17375and tell them your house is being burgled. 17376 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 17377% 17378Endless Loop: n., see Loop, Endless. 17379Loop, Endless: n., see Endless Loop. 17380 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary 17381% 17382Endless the world's turn, endless the sun's spinning 17383Endless the quest; 17384I turn again, back to my own beginning, 17385And here, find rest. 17386% 17387Enemy -- SP (Suppressive Person) Order. Fair Game. May be deprived of 17388property or injured by any means by any Scientologist without any discipline 17389of the Scientologist. May be tricked, sued or lied to or destroyed. 17390 -- L. Ron Hubbard, "Fair Game Doctrine" 17391% 17392Engineering: "How will this work?" 17393Science: "Why will this work?" 17394Management: "When will this work?" 17395Liberal Arts: "Do you want fries with that?" 17396% 17397English literature's performing flea. 17398 -- Sean O'Casey on P. G. Wodehouse 17399% 17400Engram, n: 17401 1. The physical manifestation of human memory -- "the engram." 174022. A particular memory in physical form. [Usage note: this term is no longer 17403in common use. Prior to Wilson and Magruder's historic discovery, the nature 17404of the engram was a topic of intense speculation among neuroscientists, 17405psychologists, and even computer scientists. In 1994 Professors M. R. Wilson 17406and W. V. Magruder, both of Mount St. Coax University in Palo Alto, proved 17407conclusively that the mammalian brain is hardwired to interpret a set of 17408thirty seven genetically transmitted cooperating TECO macros. Human memory 17409was shown to reside in 1 million Q-registers as Huffman coded uppercase-only 17410ASCII strings. Interest in the engram has declined substantially since that 17411time.] 17412 -- New Century Unabridged English Dictionary, 17413 3rd edition, 2007 A.D. 17414% 17415enhance, v: 17416 To tamper with an image, usually to its detriment. 17417% 17418Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May. 17419% 17420Enjoy yourself while you're still old. 17421% 17422Entrepreneur, n: 17423 A high-rolling risk taker who would rather 17424 be a spectacular failure than a dismal success. 17425% 17426Entropy isn't what it used to be. 17427% 17428Entropy requires no maintenance. 17429 -- Markoff Chaney 17430% 17431Envy is a pain of mind that successful men cause their neighbors. 17432 -- Onasander 17433% 17434Envy, n: 17435 Wishing you'd been born with an unfair advantage, 17436 instead of having to try and acquire one. 17437% 17438Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which 17439otherwise require harder thinking. 17440 -- Jerome Lettvin 17441% 17442Epperson's law: 17443 When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably 17444something his wife can beat him at. 17445% 17446Equal bytes for women. 17447% 17448Ere the cock crows thrice one of you will betray me. 17449 -- Early Jewish Resistance Leader 17450% 17451Ernest asks Frank how long he has been working for the company. 17452 "Ever since they threatened to fire me." 17453% 17454Error in operator: add beer 17455% 17456Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven 17457 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; 17458Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven 17459 Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben. 17460 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 17461% 17462Eschew obfuscation. 17463% 17464Established technology tends to persist in the face of new technology. 17465 -- G. Blaauw, one of the designers of System 360 17466% 17467E.T. GO HOME!!! (And take your Smurfs with you.) 17468% 17469Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it. 17470 -- Woody Allen 17471% 17472Eternity is a terrible thought. I mean, where's it going to end? 17473 -- Tom Stoppard 17474% 17475Etiquette is for those with no breeding; 17476fashion for those with no taste. 17477% 17478Etymology, n.: 17479 Some early etymological scholars came up with derivations that 17480were hard for the public to believe. The term "etymology" was formed 17481from the Latin "etus" ("eaten"), the root "mal" ("bad"), and "logy" 17482("study of"). It meant "the study of things that are hard to swallow." 17483 -- Mike Kellen 17484% 17485Euch ist bekannt, was wir beduerfen; 17486Wir wollen stark Getraenke schluerfen. 17487 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, "Faust" 17488% 17489Eudaemonic research proceeded with the casual mania peculiar to this part of 17490the world. Nude sunbathing on the back deck was combined with phone calls to 17491Advanced Kinetics in Costa Mesa, American Laser Systems in Goleta, Automation 17492Industries in Danbury, Connecticut, Arenberg Ultrasonics in Jamaica Plain, 17493Massachusetts, and Hewlett Packard in Sunnyvale, California, where Norman 17494Packard's cousin, David, presided as chairman of the board. The trick was to 17495make these calls at noon, in the hope that out-to-lunch executives would return 17496them at their own expense. Eudaemonic Enterprises, for all they knew, might be 17497a fast-growing computer company branching out of the Silicon Valley. Sniffing 17498the possibility of high-volume sales, these executives little suspected that 17499they were talking on the other end of the line to a naked physicist crazed 17500over roulette. 17501 -- Thomas Bass, "The Eudaemonic Pie" 17502% 17503Eureka! 17504 -- Archimedes 17505% 17506Even a blind pig stumbles upon a few acorns. 17507% 17508Even a cabbage may look at a king. 17509% 17510Even a hawk is an eagle among crows. 17511% 17512Even a man who is pure at heart, 17513And says his prayers at night 17514Can become a wolf when the wolfbane blooms, 17515And the moon is full and bright. 17516 -- The Wolf Man, 1941 17517% 17518Even God cannot change the past. 17519 -- Joseph Stalin 17520% 17521Even God lends a hand to honest boldness. 17522 -- Menander 17523% 17524Even if you do learn to speak correct English, whom are you going to 17525speak it to? 17526 -- Clarence Darrow 17527% 17528Even if you persuade me, you won't persuade me. 17529 -- Aristophanes 17530% 17531"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit 17532there." 17533 -- Will Rogers 17534% 17535Even in the moment of our earliest kiss, 17536When sighed the straitened bud into the flower, 17537Sat the dry seed of most unwelcome this; 17538And that I knew, though not the day and hour. 17539Too season-wise am I, being country-bred, 17540To tilt at autumn or defy the frost: 17541Snuffing the chill even as my fathers did, 17542I say with them, "What's out tonight is lost." 17543I only hoped, with the mild hope of all 17544Who watch the leaf take shape upon the tree, 17545A fairer summer and a later fall 17546Than in these parts a man is apt to see, 17547And sunny clusters ripened for the wine: 17548I tell you this across the blackened vine. 17549 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay, "Even in the Moment of 17550 Our Earliest Kiss", 1931 17551% 17552Even moderation ought not to be practiced to excess. 17553% 17554"Even the best of friends cannot attend each other's funeral." 17555 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 17556% 17557Even though they raised the rate for first class mail in the United 17558States we really shouldn't complain -- it's still only two cents a 17559day. 17560% 17561Events are not affected, they develop. 17562 -- Sri Aurobindo 17563% 17564Ever feel like life was a game and you had the wrong instruction book? 17565% 17566Ever feel like you're the head pin on life's 17567bowling alley, and everyone's rolling strikes? 17568% 17569Ever get the feeling that the world's 17570on tape and one of the reels is missing? 17571 -- Rich Little 17572% 17573Ever notice that even the busiest people are never too busy to tell you 17574just how busy they are? 17575% 17576Ever notice that the word "therapist" breaks down into "the rapist"? 17577Simple coincidence? 17578Maybe... 17579% 17580Ever Onward! Ever Onward! 17581That's the sprit that has brought us fame. 17582We're big but bigger we will be, 17583We can't fail for all can see, that to serve humanity 17584Has been our aim. 17585Our products now are known in every zone. 17586Our reputation sparkles like a gem. 17587We've fought our way thru 17588And new fields we're sure to conquer, too 17589For the Ever Onward IBM! 17590 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook 17591% 17592Ever Onward! Ever Onward! 17593We're bound for the top to never fall, 17594Right here and now we thankfully 17595Pledge sincerest loyalty 17596To the corporation that's the best of all 17597Our leaders we revere and while we're here, 17598Let's show the world just what we think of them! 17599So let us sing men -- Sing men 17600Once or twice, then sing again 17601For the Ever Onward IBM! 17602 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook 17603% 17604Ever since I was a young boy, 17605I've hacked the ARPA net, 17606From Berkeley down to Rutgers, He's on my favorite terminal, 17607Any access I could get, He cats C right into foo, 17608But ain't seen nothing like him, His disciples lead him in, 17609On any campus yet, And he just breaks the root, 17610That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, Always has full SYS-PRIV's, 17611Sure sends a mean packet. Never uses lint, 17612 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, 17613 Sure sends a mean packet. 17614He's a UNIX wizard, 17615There has to be a twist. 17616The UNIX wizard's got Ain't got no distractions, 17617Unlimited space on disk. Can't hear no whistles or bells, 17618How do you think he does it? Can't see no message flashing, 17619I don't know. Types by sense of smell, 17620What makes him so good? Those crazy little programs, 17621 The proper bit flags set, 17622 That deaf, dumb, and blind kid, 17623 Sure sends a mean packet. 17624 -- UNIX Wizard 17625% 17626Ever since prehistoric times, wise men have tried to understand what, 17627exactly, make people laugh. That's why they were called "wise men." 17628All the other prehistoric people were out puncturing each other with 17629spears, and the wise men were back in the cave saying: "How about: 17630Would you please take my wife? No. How about: Here is my wife, please 17631take her right now. No. How about: Would you like to take something? 17632My wife is available. No. How about ..." 17633 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 17634% 17635Ever wonder if taxation without representation might have been cheaper? 17636% 17637Ever wonder why fire engines are red? 17638 17639Because newspapers are read too. 17640Two and Two is four. 17641Four and four is eight. 17642Eight and four is twelve. 17643There are twelve inches in a ruler. 17644Queen Mary was a ruler. 17645Queen Mary was a ship. 17646Ships sail the sea. 17647There are fishes in the sea. 17648Fishes have fins. 17649The Fins fought the Russians. 17650Russians are red. 17651Fire engines are always rush'n. 17652Therefore fire engines are red. 17653% 17654Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer 17655technology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation. 17656The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in 17657computer technology during World War II. At the C. W. Post Center of Long 17658Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis- 17659trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth. At Harvard 17660one August night in 1945, Hopper and her associates were working on the 17661"granddaddy" of modern computers, the Mark I. "Things were going badly; 17662there was something wrong in one of the circuits of the long glass-enclosed 17663computer," she said. "Finally, someone located the trouble spot and, using 17664ordinary tweezers, removed the problem, a two-inch moth. From then on, when 17665anything went wrong with a computer, we said it had bugs in it." Hopper 17666said that when the veracity of her story was questioned recently, "I referred 17667them to my 1945 log book, now in the collection of the Naval Surface Weapons 17668Center, and they found the remains of that moth taped to the page in 17669question." 17670 [actually, the term "bug" had even earlier usage in 17671 regard to problems with radio hardware. Ed.] 17672% 17673Every 4 seconds a woman has a baby. 17674Our problem is to find this woman and stop her. 17675% 17676Every absurdity has a champion who will defend it. 17677% 17678Every cloud engenders not a storm. 17679 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 17680% 17681Every cloud has a silver lining; 17682you should have sold it, and bought titanium. 17683% 17684Every country has the government it deserves. 17685 -- Joseph De Maistre 17686% 17687Every creature has within him the wild, uncontrollable urge to punt. 17688% 17689Every day it's the same thing -- variety. I want something different. 17690% 17691Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God. 17692 -- Lenny Bruce 17693% 17694Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats. 17695% 17696Every four seconds a woman has a baby. Our problem is to find this 17697woman and stop her. 17698% 17699Every group has a couple of experts. And every group has at least one 17700idiot. Thus are balance and harmony (and discord) maintained. It's 17701sometimes hard to remember this in the bulk of the flamewars that all 17702of the hassle and pain is generally caused by one or two 17703highly-motivated, caustic twits. 17704 -- Chuq Von Rospach, about Usenet 17705% 17706Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired 17707signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not 17708fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not 17709spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the 17710genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way 17711of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is 17712humanity hanging on a cross of iron. 17713 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, April 16, 1953 17714% 17715Every Horse has an Infinite Number of Legs (proof by intimidation): 17716 17717Horses have an even number of legs. Behind they have two legs, and in 17718front they have fore-legs. This makes six legs, which is certainly an 17719odd number of legs for a horse. But the only number that is both even 17720and odd is infinity. Therefore, horses have an infinite number of 17721legs. Now to show this for the general case, suppose that somewhere, 17722there is a horse that has a finite number of legs. But that is a horse 17723of another color, and by the [above] lemma ["All horses are the same 17724color"], that does not exist. 17725% 17726Every improvement in communication makes the bore more terrible. 17727 -- Frank Moore Colby 17728% 17729Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it. 17730% 17731Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own. 17732 -- Don Vonada 17733% 17734Every love's the love before 17735In a duller dress. 17736 -- Dorothy Parker, "Summary" 17737% 17738"Every man has his price. Mine is $3.95." 17739% 17740Every man is apt to form his notions of things difficult to be apprehended, 17741or less familiar, from their analogy to things which are more familiar. 17742Thus, if a man bred to the seafaring life, and accustomed to think and talk 17743only of matters relating to navigation, enters into discourse upon any other 17744subject; it is well known, that the language and the notions proper to his 17745own profession are infused into every subject, and all things are measured 17746by the rules of navigation: and if he should take it into his head to 17747philosophize concerning the faculties of the mind, it cannot be doubted, 17748but he would draw his notions from the fabric of the ship, and would find 17749in the mind, sails, masts, rudder, and compass. 17750 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764 17751% 17752Every man is as God made him, ay, and often worse. 17753 -- Miguel de Cervantes 17754% 17755Every man takes the limits of his own field 17756of vision for the limits of the world. 17757 -- Schopenhauer 17758% 17759Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich 17760and powerful know that he is. 17761 -- Jean Anouilh, "The Lark" 17762% 17763Every man who has reached even his intellectual teens begins to suspect 17764that life is no farce; that it is not genteel comedy even; that it flowers 17765and fructifies on the contrary out of the profoundest tragic depths of the 17766essential death in which its subject's roots are plunged. The natural 17767inheritance of everyone who is capable of spiritual life is an unsubdued 17768forest where the wolf howls and the obscene bird of night chatters. 17769 -- Henry James Sr., writing to his sons Henry and William 17770% 17771Every man who is high up likes to think that he has done 17772it all himself, and the wife smiles and lets it go at that. 17773 -- Barrie 17774% 17775"Every morning, I get up and look through the 'Forbes' list of the 17776richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work." 17777 -- Robert Orben 17778% 17779Every morning in Africa, a gazelle wakes up. It knows it must run faster 17780than the fastest lion or it will be killed. Every morning a lion wakes up. 17781It knows it must outrun the slowest gazelle or it will starve to death. 17782It doesn't matter whether you are a lion or a gazelle: when the sun comes 17783up, you'd better be running. 17784% 17785Every morning is a Smirnoff morning. 17786% 17787Every night my prayers I say, 17788 And get my dinner every day; 17789And every day that I've been good, 17790 I get an orange after food. 17791The child that is not clean and neat, 17792 With lots of toys and things to eat, 17793He is a naughty child, I'm sure-- 17794 Or else his dear papa is poor. 17795 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 17796% 17797Every nonzero finite dimensional inner product space has an 17798orthonormal basis. 17799 17800It makes sense, when you don't think about it. 17801% 17802Every one says that politicians lie all the time, and that just isn't so! 17803But you do have to understand body language to know when they're lying and 17804when they aren't. 17805 17806 When a politician rubs his nose, he isn't lying. 17807 When a politician tugs on his ear, he isn't lying. 17808 When a politician scratches his collar bone, he isn't lying. 17809 When his mouth starts moving, that's when he's lying! 17810% 17811Every paper published in a respectable journal should have a preface by 17812the author stating why he is publishing the article, and what value he 17813sees in it. I have no hope that this practice will ever be adopted. 17814 -- Morris Kline 17815% 17816Every path has its puddle. 17817% 17818Every person, all the events in your life are there because you have 17819drawn them there. What you choose to do with them is up to you. 17820 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul 17821% 17822Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one 17823instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every 17824program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work. 17825% 17826Every program has (at least) two purposes: 17827 the one for which it was written and another for which it wasn't. 17828% 17829Every program has two purposes -- one for which it was written and 17830another for which it wasn't. 17831% 17832Every program is a part of some other program, and rarely fits. 17833% 17834Every silver lining has a cloud around it. 17835% 17836Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was 17837eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is 17838bend a disk. 17839 -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity, 17840 commenting on the benefits of using computers in support 17841 of their movement. 17842% 17843Every solution breeds new problems. 17844% 17845Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no 17846guarantee of eventual success. 17847% 17848Every suicide is a solution to a problem. 17849 -- Jean Baechler 17850% 17851Every time I look at you I am more convinced of Darwin's theory. 17852% 17853Every time I lose weight, it finds me again! 17854% 17855Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it. 17856% 17857Every time you manage to close the door on 17858Reality, it comes in through the window. 17859% 17860Every why hath a wherefore. 17861 -- William Shakespeare, "A Comedy of Errors" 17862% 17863Every word is like an unnecessary stain on silence and nothingness. 17864 -- Beckett 17865% 17866Every young man should have a hobby: learning how to handle money is 17867the best one. 17868 -- Jack Hurley 17869% 17870Everybody but Sam had signed up for a new company pension plan that 17871called for a small employee contribution. The company was paying all 17872the rest. Unfortunately, 100% employee participation was needed; 17873otherwise the plan was off. Sam's boss and his fellow workers pleaded 17874and cajoled, but to no avail. Sam said the plan would never pay off. 17875Finally the company president called Sam into his office. 17876 "Sam," he said, "here's a copy of the new pension plan and here's 17877a pen. I want you to sign the papers. I'm sorry, but if you don't sign, 17878you're fired. As of right now." 17879 Sam signed the papers immediately. 17880 "Now," said the president, "would you mind telling me why you 17881couldn't have signed earlier?" 17882 "Well, sir," replied Sam, "nobody explained it to me quite so 17883clearly before." 17884% 17885Everybody has something to conceal. 17886 -- Humphrey Bogart 17887% 17888Everybody is given the same amount of hormones, at birth, and 17889if you want to use yours for growing hair, that's fine with me. 17890% 17891Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. 17892 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 17893% 17894Everybody knows that the dice are loaded. Everybody rolls with their 17895fingers crossed. Everybody knows the war is over. Everybody knows the 17896good guys lost. Everybody knows the fight was fixed: the poor stay 17897poor, the rich get rich. That's how it goes. Everybody knows. 17898 17899Everybody knows that the boat is leaking. Everybody knows the captain 17900lied. Everybody got this broken feeling like their father or their dog 17901just died. 17902 17903Everybody talking to their pockets. Everybody wants a box of chocolates 17904and long stem rose. Everybody knows. 17905 17906Everybody knows that you love me, baby. Everybody knows that you really 17907do. Everybody knows that you've been faithful, give or take a night or 17908two. Everybody knows you've been discreet, but there were so many people 17909you just had to meet without your clothes. And everybody knows. 17910 17911And everybody knows it's now or never. Everybody knows that it's me or you. 17912And everybody knows that you live forever when you've done a line or two. 17913Everybody knows the deal is rotten: Old Black Joe's still pickin' cotton 17914for you ribbons and bows. And everybody knows. 17915 -- Leonard Cohen, "Everybody Knows" 17916% 17917Everybody likes a kidder, but nobody lends him money. 17918 -- Arthur Miller 17919% 17920Everybody needs a little love sometime; 17921stop hacking and fall in love! 17922% 17923Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die. 17924% 17925Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had to be 17926taught how ___not to. So it is with the great programmers. 17927% 17928Everyone can be taught to sculpt: Michelangelo would have had 17929to be taught how not to. So it is with the great programmers. 17930% 17931Everyone complains of his memory, no one of his judgement. 17932% 17933Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid. 17934% 17935Everyone is a genius. It's just that some people are too stupid to 17936realize it. 17937% 17938Everyone is entitled to my opinion. 17939% 17940Everyone is in the best seat. 17941 -- John Cage 17942% 17943Everyone is more or less mad on one point. 17944 -- Rudyard Kipling 17945% 17946Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic 17947formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the 17948scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact 17949wholly unconcerned with what ____does exist. Indeed, the banality of 17950existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to 17951discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the 17952problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the 17953mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all, 17954one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely 17955different way ... 17956 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 17957% 17958Everyone talks about apathy, but no one ____does anything about it. 17959% 17960Everyone wants results, but no one is willing to do what it takes 17961to get them. 17962 -- Dirty Harry 17963% 17964Everyone was born right-handed. 17965Only the greatest overcome it. 17966% 17967Everyone who comes in here wants three things: 17968 1. They want it quick. 17969 2. They want it good. 17970 3. They want it cheap. 17971I tell 'em to pick two and call me back. 17972 -- sign on the back wall of a small printing company 17973% 17974Everyone's in a high place when you're on your knees. 17975% 17976Everything bows to success, even grammar. 17977% 17978Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous". 17979% 17980Everything ends badly. Otherwise it wouldn't end. 17981% 17982Everything I like is either illegal, immoral or fattening. 17983 -- Alexander Woollcott 17984% 17985Everything in this book may be wrong. 17986 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul 17987% 17988Everything is controlled by a small evil group to which, unfortunately, 17989no one we know belongs. 17990% 17991Everything is possible. Pass the word. 17992 -- Rita Mae Brown, "Six of One" 17993% 17994Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being 17995that a belch is more satisfying. 17996 -- Ingmar Bergman 17997% 17998Everything journalists write is true, except when they write about 17999something you know. 18000 -- Dag-Erling Smorgrav, 18001 June 1999, FreeBSD-Stable Mailing List 18002% 18003Everything might be different in the present 18004if only one thing had been different in the past. 18005% 18006Everything new stalls because there is precedence for the old. 18007 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 18008% 18009Everything should be built top-down, except the first time. 18010% 18011Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler. 18012 -- Albert Einstein 18013% 18014Everything takes longer, costs more, and is less useful. 18015 -- Erwin Tomash 18016% 18017Everything that can be invented has been invented. 18018 -- Charles Duell, Director of U.S. Patent Office, 1899 18019% 18020Everything that you know is wrong, but you can be straightened out. 18021% 18022Everything will be just tickety-boo today. 18023% 18024Everything you know is wrong! 18025% 18026Everything you read in newspapers is absolutely true, except for that 18027rare story of which you happen to have first-hand knowledge. 18028 -- Erwin Knoll 18029% 18030Everything you've learned in school as "obvious" becomes less and less 18031obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no 18032solids in the universe. There's not even a suggestion of a solid. 18033There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no 18034straight lines. 18035 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 18036% 18037Everything's great in this good old world; 18038(This is the stuff they can always use.) 18039God's in his heaven, the hill's dew-pearled; 18040(This will provide for baby's shoes.) 18041Hunger and War do not mean a thing; 18042Everything's rosy where'er we roam; 18043Hark, how the little birds gaily sing! 18044(This is what fetches the bacon home.) 18045 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Far Sighted Muse" 18046% 18047Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My 18048opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them. There's many a bestseller 18049that could have been prevented by a good teacher. 18050 -- Flannery O'Connor 18051% 18052Everywhere you go you'll see them searching, 18053Everywhere you turn you'll feel the pain, 18054Everyone is looking for the answer, 18055Well look again. 18056 -- Moody Blues, "Lost in a Lost World" 18057% 18058Evil is that which one believes of others. It is a sin to believe evil 18059of others, but it is seldom a mistake. 18060 -- H. L. Mencken 18061% 18062Evolution is a million line computer 18063program falling into place by accident. 18064% 18065Evolution is as much a fact as the earth turning on its axis and going around 18066the sun. At one time this was called the Copernican theory; but, when 18067evidence for a theory becomes so overwhelming that no informed person can 18068doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact. That all present 18069life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is 18070as firmly established as Copernican cosmology. Biologists differ only with 18071respect to theories about how the process operates. 18072 -- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life" 18073% 18074Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for even 18075the greatest fool may ask more than the wisest man can answer. 18076 -- C. C. Colton 18077% 18078Example is not the main thing in influencing others. 18079It is the only thing. 18080 -- Albert Schweitzer 18081% 18082Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike the office water cooler. 18083% 18084Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator. 18085% 18086Excellent day to have a rotten day. 18087% 18088Excellent time to become a missing person. 18089% 18090Exceptions prove the rule, and wreck the budget. 18091 -- Miller 18092% 18093Excerpt from a conversation between a customer support person and a 18094customer working for a well-known military-affiliated research lab: 18095 18096Support: "You're not our only customer, you know." 18097Customer: "But we're one of the few with tactical nuclear weapons." 18098% 18099Excess on occasion is exhilarating. It prevents moderation from 18100acquiring the deadening effect of a habit. 18101 -- W. Somerset Maugham 18102% 18103Excessive login messages are a sure sign of senility. 18104% 18105Excessive login or logout messages are a sure sign of senility. 18106% 18107Execute every act of thy life as though it were thy last. 18108 -- Marcus Aurelius 18109% 18110Executive ability is deciding quickly and getting somebody else to do 18111the work. 18112 -- John G. Pollard 18113% 18114Executive ability is prominent in your make-up. 18115% 18116Exercise caution in your daily affairs. 18117% 18118Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you, 18119and just before you realize what is wrong with it. 18120% 18121Expansion means complexity; and complexity decay. 18122% 18123Expect a letter from a friend who will ask a favor of you. 18124% 18125Expect the worst, it's the least you can do. 18126% 18127Expedience is the best teacher. 18128% 18129Expense Accounts, n.: 18130 Corporate food stamps. 18131% 18132Experience is a good teacher, but she sends in terrific bills. 18133 -- Minna Antrim, "Naked Truth and Veiled Allusions" 18134% 18135Experience is not what happens to you; 18136it is what you do with what happens to you. 18137 -- Aldous Huxley 18138% 18139Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. 18140 -- Olivier 18141% 18142Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a mistake 18143when you make it again. 18144 -- Franklin P. Jones 18145% 18146Experience is the worst teacher. It always gives the test first and 18147the instruction afterward. 18148% 18149Experience is what causes a person to make new mistakes instead of old 18150ones. 18151% 18152Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted. 18153% 18154Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else. 18155% 18156Experience, n: 18157 Something you don't get until just after you need it. 18158 -- Olivier 18159% 18160Experience teaches you that the man who looks you straight in the eye, 18161particularly if he adds a firm handshake, is hiding something. 18162 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Enter Conversing" 18163% 18164Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. 18165% 18166Experiments must be reproducible; they should all fail in the same way. 18167% 18168Expert, n.: 18169 Someone who comes from out of town and shows slides. 18170% 18171External Security: 18172% 18173Extract from Official Sweepstakes Rules: 18174 18175 NO PURCHASE REQUIRED TO CLAIM YOUR PRIZE 18176 18177To claim your prize without purchase, do the following: (a) Carefully 18178cut out your computer-printed name and address from upper right hand 18179corner of the Prize Claim Form. (b) Affix computer-printed name and 18180address -- with glue or cellophane tape (no staples or paper clips) -- 18181to a 3x5 inch index card. (c) Also cut out the "No" paragraph (lower 18182left hand corner of Prize Claim Form) and affix it to the 3x5 card 18183below your address label. (d) Then print on your 3x5 card, above your 18184computer-printed name and address the words "CARTER & VAN PEEL 18185SWEEPSTAKES" (Use all capital letters.) (e) Finally place 3x5 card 18186(without bending) into a plain envelope [NOTE: do NOT use the 18187Official Prize Claim and CVP Perfume Reply Envelope or you may be 18188disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print 18189this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and 18190completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize. 18191% 18192Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof. There are many examples 18193of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies, 18194but they prevailed with irrefutable data. More often, egregious findings 18195that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts. I have 18196argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic consciousness," 18197and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of 18198neuroscience. Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid 18199handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena 18200than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves 18201offer more plausible alternatives. 18202 -- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness: 18203 Implications for Psi Phenomena". 18204% 18205Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly. 18206 -- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece" 18207% 18208Extremism in the defense of liberty is no vice... moderation in the pursuit 18209of justice is no virtue. 18210 -- Barry Goldwater 18211% 18212F: When into a room I plunge, I 18213 Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI. 18214 Then I linger, darkly brooding 18215 On the poison they're exuding. 18216 -- The Roguelet's ABC 18217% 18218F. S. Fitzgerald to Hemingway: 18219 "Ernest, the rich are different from us." 18220Hemingway: 18221 "Yes. They have more money." 18222% 18223f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd. 18224% 18225f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. 18226% 18227F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm! 18228% 18229f u cn rd ths, u r prbbly a lsy spllr. 18230% 18231FACILITY REJECTED 100044200000; 18232% 18233Factorials were someone's attempt to make math LOOK exciting. 18234% 18235Facts, apart from their relationships, are like labels on empty bottles. 18236 -- Sven Italla 18237% 18238Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable. 18239% 18240Facts are the enemy of truth. 18241 -- Don Quixote 18242% 18243Facts do not cease to exist because they are ignored. 18244 -- Aldous Huxley 18245% 18246Failed Attempts To Break Records 18247 In September 1978 Mr. Terry Gripton, of Stafford, failed to break 18248the world shouting record by two and a half decibels. "I am not surprised 18249he failed," his wife said afterwards. "He's really a very quiet man and 18250doesn't even shout at me." 18251 In August of the same year Mr. Paul Anthony failed to break the 18252record for continuous organ playing by 387 hours. 18253 His attempt at the Golden Fish Fry Restaurant in Manchester ended 18254after 36 hours 10 minutes, when he was accused of disturbing the peace. 18255"People complained I was too noisy," he said. 18256 In January 1976 Mr. Barry McQueen failed to walk backwards across 18257the Menai Bridge playing the bagpipes. "It was raining heavily and my 18258drone got waterlogged," he said. 18259 A TV cameraman thwarted Mr. Bob Specas' attempt to topple 100,000 18260dominoes at the Manhattan Center, New York on 9 June 1978. 97,500 dominoes 18261had been set up when he dropped his press badge and set them off. 18262 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 18263% 18264Failure is more frequently from want of energy than want of capital. 18265% 18266Fain would I climb, yet fear I to fall. 18267 -- Sir Walter Raleigh 18268% 18269Fairy Tale, n.: 18270 A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers. 18271% 18272Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door. 18273% 18274Faith has never moved as much as a pin-head from the place it 18275ought to be according to tradition and the scriptures. It is 18276the doubt that moved all the mountains. 18277 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 18278% 18279Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic 18280without looking to see whether the seeds move. 18281% 18282Faith is under the left nipple. 18283 -- Martin Luther 18284% 18285Faith, n: 18286 That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be 18287untrue. 18288% 18289Fakir, n: 18290 A psychologist whose charismatic data have inspired almost 18291religious devotion in his followers, even though the sources seem to 18292have shinnied up a rope and vanished. 18293% 18294Falling in Love 18295 When two people have been on enough dates, they generally fall in 18296love. You can tell you're in love by the way you feel: your head becomes 18297light, your heart leaps within you, you feel like you're walking on air, 18298and the whole world seems like a wonderful and happy place. Unfortunately, 18299these are also the four warning signs of colon disease, so it's always a 18300good idea to check with your doctor. 18301 -- Dave Barry 18302% 18303Falling in love is a lot like dying. 18304You never get to do it enough to become good at it. 18305% 18306Falling in love makes smoking pot all day look like the ultimate in 18307restraint. 18308 -- Dave Sim, author of "Cerebus" 18309% 18310Fame is a vapor; popularity an accident; 18311the only earthly certainty is oblivion. 18312 -- Mark Twain 18313% 18314Fame lost its appeal for me when I went into a public restroom and an 18315autograph seeker handed me a pen and paper under the stall door. 18316 -- Marlo Thomas 18317% 18318Fame may be fleeting but obscurity is forever. 18319% 18320Familiarity breeds attempt. 18321% 18322Familiarity breeds contempt -- and children. 18323 -- Mark Twain 18324% 18325Families, when a child is born 18326Want it to be intelligent. 18327I, through intelligence, 18328Having wrecked my whole life, 18329Only hope the baby will prove 18330Ignorant and stupid. 18331Then he will crown a tranquil life 18332By becoming a Cabinet Minister 18333 -- Su Tung-p'o 18334% 18335Famous, adj.: 18336 Conspicuously miserable. 18337 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 18338% 18339Famous last words: 18340% 18341Famous last words: 18342 (1) Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. 18343 (2) Let's take the shortcut, he can't see us from there. 18344 (3) What happens if you touch these two wires tog-- 18345 (4) We won't need reservations. 18346 (5) It's always sunny there this time of the year. 18347 (6) Don't worry, it's not loaded. 18348 (7) They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager. 18349 (8) Don't worry! Women love it! 18350% 18351Famous last words: 18352 (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it." 18353 (2) "You and what army?" 18354 (3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be 18355 a cop." 18356% 18357Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have 18358forgotten your aim. 18359 -- George Santayana 18360% 18361"Fantasies are free." 18362"NO!! NO!! It's the thought police!!!!" 18363% 18364Far back in the mists of ancient time, in the great and glorious days of the 18365former Galactic Empire, life was wild, rich and largely tax free. 18366 18367Mighty starships plied their way between exotic suns, seeking adventure and 18368reward among the furthest reaches of Galactic space. In those days, spirits 18369were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women 18370and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures 18371from Alpha Centauri. And all dared to brave unknown terrors, to do mighty 18372deeds, to boldly split infinitives that no man had split before -- and thus 18373was the Empire forged. 18374 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 18375% 18376Far duller than a serpent's tooth it is to spend a quiet youth. 18377% 18378Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the 18379Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun. 18380Orbiting this at a distance of roughly ninety-eight million miles is an 18381utterly insignificant little blue-green planet whose ape-descended life 18382forms are so amazingly primitive that they still think digital watches 18383are a pretty neat idea ... 18384 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 18385% 18386Farmers in the Iowa State survey rated machinery breakdowns more 18387stressful than divorce. 18388 -- Wall Street Journal 18389% 18390Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it 18391every six months. 18392 -- Oscar Wilde 18393% 18394Fashions have done more harm than revolutions. 18395 -- Victor Hugo 18396% 18397Fast, cheap, good: pick two. 18398% 18399Fast ship? You mean you've never heard of the Millennium Falcon? 18400 -- Han Solo 18401% 18402Faster, faster, you fool, you fool! 18403 -- Bill Cosby 18404% 18405Fat Liberation: because a waist is a terrible thing to mind. 18406% 18407Fat people of the world unite, we've got nothing to lose! 18408% 18409Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex. 18410Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know? 18411% 18412Fats Loves Madelyn. 18413% 18414Fay: The British police force used to be run by men of integrity. 18415Truscott: That is a mistake which has been rectified. 18416 -- Joe Orton, "Loot" 18417% 18418FEAR: 18419 What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates. 18420% 18421Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing. 18422 -- Hunter S. Thompson 18423% 18424Fear is the greatest salesman. 18425 -- Robert Klein 18426% 18427feature, n: 18428 A surprising property of a program. Occasionally documented. To 18429 call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not 18430 consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though 18431 not necessarily wrong response. See BUG. "That's not a bug, it's 18432 a feature!" A bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it. 18433% 18434Federal grants are offered for... research into the recreation 18435potential of interplanetary space travel for the culturally 18436disadvantaged. 18437% 18438Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ... 18439% 18440Feel disillusioned? 18441I've got some great new illusions, right here! 18442% 18443Feeling amorous, she looked under the sheets and cried, "Oh, no, 18444it's Microsoft!" 18445% 18446Felix Catus is your taxonomic nomenclature, 18447An endothermic quadruped, carnivorous by nature. 18448Your visual, olfactory, and auditory senses 18449Contribute to your hunting skills and natural defenses. 18450I find myself intrigued by your sub-vocal oscillations, 18451A singular development of cat communications 18452That obviates your basic hedonistic predilection 18453For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection. 18454A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents: 18455You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance; 18456And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion, 18457It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion. 18458Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display 18459Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array. 18460And though you are not sentient, Spot, and do not comprehend, 18461I nonetheless consider you a true and valued friend. 18462 -- Lt. Cmdr. Data, "An Ode to Spot" 18463% 18464Fellow programmer, greetings! You are reading a letter which will bring 18465you luck and good fortune. Just mail (or UUCP) ten copies of this letter 18466to ten of your friends. Before you make the copies, send a chip or 18467other bit of hardware, and 100 lines of "C" code to the first person on the 18468list given at the bottom of this letter. Then delete their name and add 18469yours to the bottom of the list. 18470 18471Don't break the chain! Make the copy within 48 hours. Gerald R. of San 18472Diego failed to send out his ten copies and woke the next morning to find 18473his job description changed to "COBOL programmer." Fred A. of New York sent 18474out his ten copies and within a month had enough hardware and software to 18475build a Cray dedicated to playing Zork. Martha H. of Chicago laughed at 18476this letter and broke the chain. Shortly thereafter, a fire broke out in 18477her terminal and she now spends her days writing documentation for IBM PC's. 18478 18479Don't break the chain! Send out your ten copies today! 18480% 18481Female rabbits: 18482 The gift that just "keeps on giving." 18483% 18484FENDERBERG: 18485 The large glacial deposits that form on the insides 18486 of car fenders during snowstorms. 18487 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 18488% 18489Ferguson's Precept: 18490 A crisis is when you can't say "let's forget the whole thing." 18491% 18492Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children, 18493neither will you. 18494% 18495Fess: Well, you must admit there is something innately humorous about 18496 a man chasing an invention of his own halfway across the galaxy. 18497Rod: Oh yeah, it's a million yuks, sure. But after all, isn't that the 18498 basic difference between robots and humans? 18499Fess: What, the ability to form imaginary constructs? 18500Rod: No, the ability to get hung up on them. 18501 -- Christopher Stasheff, "The Warlock in Spite of Himself" 18502% 18503Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example. 18504 -- Mark Twain 18505% 18506Fidelity, n: 18507 A virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed. 18508% 18509Fifteen men on a dead man's chest, 18510Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! 18511Drink and the devil had done for the rest, 18512Yo-ho-ho and a bottle of rum! 18513 -- Stevenson, "Treasure Island" 18514% 18515Fifth Law of Applied Terror: 18516 If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. 18517 18518Corollary: 18519 If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you 18520live. 18521% 18522Fifth Law of Procrastination: 18523 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that 18524there is nothing important to do. 18525% 18526Fifty flippant frogs 18527Walked by on flippered feet 18528And with their slime they made the time 18529Unnaturally fleet. 18530% 18531Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North 18532Carolina. 18533% 18534File cabinet: 18535 A four drawer, manually activated trash compactor. 18536% 18537filibuster, n: 18538 Throwing your wait around. 18539% 18540Fill what's empty, empty what's full, scratch where it itches. 18541 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth 18542% 18543Finagle's Creed: 18544 Science is true. Don't be misled by facts. 18545% 18546Finagle's Eighth Law: 18547 If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 18548 18549Finagle's Ninth Law: 18550 No matter what results are expected, 18551 someone is always willing to fake it. 18552 18553Finagle's Tenth Law: 18554 No matter what the result someone 18555 is always eager to misinterpret it. 18556 18557Finagle's Eleventh Law: 18558 No matter what occurs, someone believes 18559 it happened according to his pet theory. 18560% 18561Finagle's First Law: 18562 To study a subject best, understand it thoroughly before you start. 18563 18564Finagle's Second Law: 18565 Always keep a record of data -- it indicates you've been working. 18566 18567Finagle's Fourth Law: 18568 Once a job is fouled up, 18569 anything done to improve it only makes it worse. 18570 18571Finagle's Fifth Law: 18572 Always draw your curves, then plot your readings. 18573 18574Finagle's Sixth Law: 18575 Don't believe in miracles -- rely on them. 18576% 18577Finagle's Second Law: 18578 No matter what the anticipated result, there will always be 18579someone eager to (a) misinterpret it, (b) fake it, or (c) believe it 18580happened according to his own pet theory. 18581% 18582Finagle's Seventh Law: 18583 The perversity of the universe tends toward a maximum. 18584% 18585Finagle's Third Law: 18586 In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, 18587 beyond all need of checking, is the mistake. 18588 18589Corollaries: 18590 (1) Nobody whom you ask for help will see it. 18591 (2) The first person who stops by, whose advice you really 18592 don't want to hear, will see it immediately. 18593% 18594Finality is death. 18595Perfection is finality. 18596Nothing is perfect. 18597There are lumps in it. 18598% 18599Finding out what goes on in the C.I.A. is like performing acupuncture 18600on a rock. 18601 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 18602% 18603Fine day for friends. 18604So-so day for you. 18605% 18606Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can. 18607% 18608Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy. 18609% 18610Fine's Corollary: 18611 Functionality breeds Contempt. 18612% 18613Finish the sentence below in 25 words or less: 18614 18615 "Love is what you feel just before you give someone a good ..." 18616 18617Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to: 18618 18619 P.O. Box 35 18620 Baffled Greek, Michigan 18621% 18622Finster's Law: 18623A closed mouth gathers no feet. 18624% 18625First, a few words about tools. 18626 18627Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of 18628the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously 18629injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If 18630you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look 18631particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for 18632granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face. 18633 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 18634% 18635First Corollary of Taber's Second Law: 18636 Machines that piss people off get murdered. 18637 -- Pat Taber 18638% 18639First Law of Bicycling: 18640 No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the 18641wind. 18642% 18643First law of debate: 18644 Never argue with a fool. People might not know the difference. 18645% 18646First Law of Procrastination: 18647 Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility 18648for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed 18649the deadline). 18650% 18651First Law of Socio-Genetics: 18652 Celibacy is not hereditary. 18653% 18654First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity, no really 18655self-respecting woman would take advantage of it. 18656 -- George Bernard Shaw, "John Bull's Other Island" 18657% 18658First Rule of History: 18659 History doesn't repeat itself -- historians merely repeat each 18660other. 18661% 18662First rule of public speaking. 18663 First, tell 'em what you're goin' to tell 'em; 18664 then tell 'em; 18665 then tell 'em what you've tole 'em. 18666% 18667First there was Dial-A-Prayer, then Dial-A-Recipe, and even Dial-A-Footballer. 18668But the south-east Victorian town of Sale has produced one to top them all. 18669Dial-A-Wombat. 18670 It all began early yesterday when Sale police received a telephone 18671call: "You won't believe this, and I'm not drunk, but there's a wombat in the 18672phone booth outside the town hall," the caller said. 18673 Not firmly convinced about the caller's claim to sobriety, members of 18674the constabulary drove to the scene, expecting to pick up a drunk. 18675 But there it was, an annoyed wombat, trapped in a telephone booth. 18676 The wombat, determined not to be had the better of again, threw its 18677bulk into the fray. It was eventually lassoed and released in a nearby scrub. 18678 Then the officers received another message ... another wombat in 18679another phone booth. 18680 There it was: *Another* angry wombat trapped in a telephone booth. 18681 The constables took the miffed marsupial into temporary custody and 18682released it, too, in the scrub. 18683 But on their way back to the station they happened to pass another 18684telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat. 18685 After some serious detective work, the lads in blue found a suspect, 18686and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons. 18687 Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in 18688telephone booths. 18689 -- "Newcastle Morning Herald", NSW Australia, Aug 1980 18690% 18691First things first -- but not necessarily in that order. 18692 -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who" 18693% 18694"First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars; 18695"Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation; 18696and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of 18697trees to prove their manhood. 18698 -- Dave Barry 18699% 18700Fishbowl, n: 18701 A glass-enclosed isolation cell where newly 18702 promoted managers are kept for observation. 18703% 18704Fishing, with me, has always been an excuse to drink in the daytime. 18705 -- Jimmy Cannon 18706% 18707Five bicycles make a Volkswagen, seven make a truck. 18708 -- Adolfo Guzman 18709% 18710Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity. 18711 -- Robert Firth 18712% 18713Five names that I can hardly stand to hear, 18714Including yours and mine and one more chimp who isn't here, 18715I can see the ladies talking how the times is gettin' hard, 18716And that fearsome excavation on Magnolia boulevard, 18717Yes, I'm goin' insane, 18718And I'm laughing at the frozen rain, 18719Well, I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home? 18720 Bad sneakers and a pina colada my friend, 18721 Stopping on the avenue by Radio City, with a 18722 Transistor and a large sum of money to spend... 18723You fellah, you tearin' up the street, 18724You wear that white tuxedo, how you gonna beat the heat, 18725Do you take me for a fool, do you think that I don't see, 18726That ditch out in the Valley that they're diggin' just for me, 18727Yes, and goin' insane, 18728You know I'm laughin' at the frozen rain, 18729Feel like I'm so alone, honey when they gonna send me home? 18730(chorus) 18731 -- Bad Sneakers, "Steely Dan" 18732% 18733Five people -- an Englishman, Russian, American, Frenchman and Irishman 18734were each asked to write a book on elephants. Some amount of time later they 18735had all completed their respective books. The Englishman's book was entitled 18736"The Elephant -- How to Collect Them", the Russian's "The Elephant -- Vol. I", 18737the American's "The Elephant -- How to Make Money from Them", the Frenchman's 18738"The Elephant -- Its Mating Habits" and the Irishman's "The Elephant and 18739Irish Political History". 18740% 18741Five rules for eternal misery: 18742 1) Always try to exhort others to look upon you favorably. 18743 2) Make lots of assumptions about situations and be sure to 18744 treat these assumptions as though they are reality. 18745 3) Then treat each new situation as though it's a crisis. 18746 4) Live in the past and future only (become obsessed with 18747 how much better things might have been or how much worse 18748 things might become). 18749 5) Occasionally stomp on yourself for being so stupid as to 18750 follow the first four rules. 18751% 18752Flame on! 18753 -- Johnny Storm 18754% 18755Flannister, n.: 18756 The plastic yoke that holds a six-pack of beer together. 18757 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 18758% 18759Flappity, floppity, flip 18760The mouse on the m"obius strip; 18761 The strip revolved, 18762 The mouse dissolved 18763In a chronodimensional skip. 18764% 18765FLASH! Intelligence of mankind decreasing. Details at ... uh, when 18766the little hand is on the ... 18767% 18768Flattery is like cologne -- to be smelled, but not swallowed. 18769 -- Josh Billings 18770% 18771Flattery will get you everywhere. 18772% 18773Flee at once, all is discovered. 18774% 18775Flirting is the gentle art of making a man feel pleased with himself. 18776 -- Helen Rowland 18777% 18778Flon's Law: 18779 There is not now, and never will be, a language in which it is 18780the least bit difficult to write bad programs. 18781% 18782Florence Flask was ... dressing for the opera when she turned to her 18783husband and screamed, "Erlenmeyer! My joules! Someone has stolen my 18784joules!" 18785 18786"Now, now, my dear," replied her husband, "keep your balance and reflux 18787a moment. Perhaps they're mislead." 18788 18789"No, I know they're stolen," cried Florence. "I remember putting them 18790in my burette ... We must call a copper." 18791 18792Erlenmeyer did so, and the flatfoot who turned up, one Sherlock Ohms, 18793said the outrage looked like the work of an arch-criminal by the name 18794of Lawrence Ium. 18795 18796"We must be careful -- he's a free radical, ultraviolet, and 18797dangerous. His girlfriend is a chlorine at the Palladium. Maybe I can 18798catch him there." With that, he jumped on his carbon cycle in an 18799activated state and sped off along the reaction pathway ... 18800 -- Daniel B. Murphy, "Precipitations" 18801% 18802flowchart, n. & v.: 18803 [From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart 18804"a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."] 188051. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni construction 18806problems in which given algorithms require geometrical representation 18807using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI template. 2. n. Neronic 18808doodling while the system burns. 3. n. A low-cost substitute for 18809wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate misleading the illiterate. "A 18810thousand pictures is worth ten lines of code." -- The Programmer's 18811Little Red Vade Mecum, Mao Tse T'umps. 5. v.intrans. To produce 18812flowcharts with no particular object in mind. 6. v.trans. To obfuscate 18813(a problem) with esoteric cartoons. 18814 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 18815% 18816Flugg's Law: 18817 When you need to knock on wood is when you realize that the 18818world is composed of vinyl, naugahyde and aluminum. 18819% 18820Fly me away to the bright side of the moon ... 18821% 18822Flying is the second greatest feeling you can have. The greatest feeling? 18823Landing... Landing is the greatest feeling you can have. 18824% 18825Flying saucers on occasion 18826 Show themselves to human eyes. 18827Aliens fume, put off invasion 18828 While they brand these tales as lies. 18829% 18830Fog Lamps, n.: 18831 Excessively (often obnoxiously) bright lamps mounted on the 18832fronts of automobiles; used on dry, clear nights to indicate that the 18833driver's brain is in a fog. 18834 18835See also "Idiot Lights". 18836% 18837"Follow me around. I don't care. I'm serious. If anybody wants to put a 18838tail on me, go ahead. They'd be very bored." 18839 -- Gary Hart, announcing his presidential candidacy, 18840 commenting on rumors of womanizing. 18841% 18842Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing. 18843 -- Walt Kelly, "Potluck Pogo" 18844% 18845Foolproof Operation: 18846 No provision for adjustment. 18847% 18848Fools rush in -- and get the best seats in the house. 18849% 18850Football builds self-discipline. What else would induce 18851a spectator to sit out in the open in subfreezing weather? 18852% 18853Football combines the two worst features of American life. 18854It is violence punctuated by committee meetings. 18855 -- George F. Will, "Men At Work: The Craft of Baseball" 18856% 18857Football is a game designed to keep coalminers off the streets. 18858 -- Jimmy Breslin 18859% 18860For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ... 18861% 18862For a good time, call (510) 642-9483 18863% 18864For a holy stint, a moth of the cloth gave up his woolens for lint. 18865% 18866For a light heart lives long. 18867 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 18868% 18869For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a 18870cat. 18871% 18872For adult education nothing beats children. 18873% 18874For ages, a deadly conflict has been waged between a few brave men and 18875women of thought and genius upon the one side, and the great ignorant 18876religious mass on the other. This is the war between Science and Faith. 18877The few have appealed to reason, to honor, to law, to freedom, to the 18878known, and to happiness here in this world. The many have appealed to 18879prejudice, to fear, to miracle, to slavery, to the unknown, and to 18880misery hereafter. The few have said "Think". The many have said "Believe!" 18881 -- Robert Ingersoll, "Gods" 18882% 18883For an adequate time call 555-3321. 18884% 18885For an idea to be fashionable is ominous, since it must afterwards be 18886always old-fashioned. 18887% 18888For certain people, after fifty, litigation takes the place of sex. 18889 -- Gore Vidal 18890% 18891For children with short attention spans: boomerangs that don't come back. 18892% 18893For courage mounteth with occasion. 18894 -- William Shakespeare, "King John" 18895% 18896For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. 18897 -- Harrison 18898% 18899For every bloke who makes his mark, 18900there's half a dozen waiting to rub it out. 18901 -- Andy Capp 18902% 18903For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, 18904and wrong. 18905 -- H. L. Mencken 18906% 18907For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill. 18908 -- R. Clopton 18909% 18910For every human problem, there is a neat, 18911plain solution -- and it is always wrong. 18912 -- H. L. Mencken 18913% 18914For example, if \thinmskip = 3mu, this makes \thickmskip = 6mu. But if 18915you also want to use \skip12 for horizontal glue, whether in math mode or 18916not, the amount of skipping will be in points (e.g., 6pt). The rule is 18917that glue in math mode varies with the size only when it is an \mskip; 18918when moving between an mskip and ordinary skip, the conversion factor 189191mu=1pt is always used. The meaning of '\mskip\skip12' and 18920'\baselineskip=\the\thickmskip' should be clear. 18921 -- Donald E. Knuth, TeX 82 -- Comparison with TeX80 18922% 18923For fast-acting relief, try slowing down. 18924% 18925For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel 18926and cook. 18927 -- Quentin Crisp 18928% 18929For fools rush in where angels fear to tread. 18930 -- Alexander Pope 18931% 18932For gin, in cruel 18933Sober truth, 18934Supplies the fuel 18935For flaming youth. 18936 -- Noel Coward 18937% 18938For God's sake, stop researching for a while and begin to think! 18939% 18940For good, return good. 18941For evil, return justice. 18942% 18943For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I do. 18944 -- Paul of Tarsus, (Saint Paul) 18945% 18946For I swore I would stay a year away from her; out and alas! 18947but with break of day I went to make supplication. 18948 -- Paulus Silentarius, c. 540 A.D. 18949% 18950For if there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in 18951despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the 18952implacable grandeur of this life. 18953 -- Albert Camus 18954% 18955For knighthood is not in the feats of war, 18956As for to fight in quarrel right or wrong, 18957But in a cause which truth cannot defer: 18958He ought himself for to make sure and strong, 18959Just to keep mixt with mercy among: 18960And no quarrel a knight ought to take 18961But for a truth, or for the common's sake. 18962 -- Stephen Hawes 18963% 18964For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two. 18965% 18966For men use, if they have an evil turn, to write it in marble: 18967and whoso doth us a good turn we write it in dust. 18968 -- Sir Thomas More 18969% 18970For most men life is a search for the proper manila envelope in which to 18971get themselves filed. 18972 -- Clifton Fadiman 18973% 18974For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I 18975put them in the same room and let them fight it out. 18976 -- Steven Wright 18977% 18978For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire 18979life to date. He has had his pajamas on for two, maybe three days 18980now. He has the sense of joyful independence a 5-year-old child gets 18981when he suddenly realizes that he could be operating an acetylene torch 18982in the coat closet and neither parent [because of the flu] would have 18983the strength to object. He has been foraging for his own food, which 18984means his diet consists entirely of "food" substances which are 18985advertised only on Saturday-morning cartoon shows; substances that are 18986the color of jukebox lights and that, for legal reasons, have their 18987names spelled wrong, as in New Creemy Chok-'n'-Cheez Lumps o' Froot 18988("part of this complete breakfast"). 18989 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" 18990% 18991For myself, I can only say that I am astonished and somewhat terrified at 18992the results of this evening's experiments. Astonished at the wonderful 18993power you have developed, and terrified at the thought that so much hideous 18994and bad music may be put on record forever. 18995 -- Sir Arthur Sullivan, message to Edison, 1888 18996% 18997For people who like that kind of book, 18998that is the kind of book they will like. 18999% 19000For perfect happiness, remember two things: 19001 (1) Be content with what you've got. 19002 (2) Be sure you've got plenty. 19003% 19004FOR SALE: 19005 Parachute. Used once. 19006 Never opened. Slightly Stained. 19007% 19008For some reason a glaze passes over people's faces when you say 19009"Canada". Maybe we should invade South Dakota or something. 19010 -- Sandra Gotlieb, wife of the Canadian ambassador to 19011 the U.S. 19012% 19013For some reason, this fortune reminds everyone of Marvin Zelkowitz. 19014% 19015"For that matter, compare your pocket computer with the massive jobs of 19016a thousand years ago. Why not, then, the last step of doing away with 19017computers altogether?" 19018 -- Jehan Shuman 19019% 19020For the fashion of Minas Tirith was such that it was built on seven levels, 19021each delved into a hill, and about each was set a wall, and in each wall 19022was a gate. 19023 -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Return of the King" 19024 19025 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 19026 referring to system overview.] 19027 19028% 19029For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years. 19030This gives me great hope for the human race. 19031 -- Harlan Ellison 19032% 19033For the next hour, WE will control all that you see and hear. 19034% 19035For thee the wonder-working earth puts forth sweet flowers. 19036 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 19037% 19038For there are moments when one can neither think nor feel. And if one can 19039neither think nor feel, she thought, where is one? 19040 -- Virginia Woolf, "To the Lighthouse" 19041 19042 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 19043 referring to powerfail recovery.] 19044% 19045For they starve the frightened little child 19046Till it weeps both night and day: 19047And they scourge the weak, and flog the fool, 19048And gibe the old and grey, 19049And some grow mad, and all grow bad, 19050And none a word may say. 19051 19052Each narrow cell in which we dwell 19053Is a foul and dark latrine, 19054And the fetid breath of living Death 19055Chokes up each grated screen, 19056And all, but Lust, is turned to dust 19057In Humanity's machine. 19058 19059And all men kill the thing they love, 19060By all let this be heard, 19061Some do it with a bitter look, 19062Some with a flattering word, 19063The coward does it with a kiss, 19064The brave man with a sword. 19065 -- Oscar Wilde 19066% 19067For thirty years a certain man went to spend every evening with Mme. ___. 19068When his wife died his friends believed he would marry her, and urged 19069him to do so. "No, no," he said: "if I did, where should I have to 19070spend my evenings?" 19071 -- Chamfort 19072% 19073For those of you who have been unfortunate enough to never have tasted the 19074'Great Chieftain O' the Pudden Race' (i.e. haggis) here is an easy to follow 19075recipe which results in a dish remarkably similar to the above mentioned 19076protected species. 19077 Ingredients: 19078 1 Sheep's Pluck (heart, lungs, liver) and bag 19079 2 teacupsful toasted oatmeal 19080 1 teaspoonful salt 19081 8 oz. shredded suet 19082 2 small onions 19083 1/2 teaspoonful black pepper 19084 19085 Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water. Soak in salt water 19086overnight. Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over 19087the side of pot. Retain 1 pint of stock. Cut off windpipe, remove surplus 19088gristle, chop or mince heart and lungs, and grate best part of liver (about 19089half only). Parboil and chop onions, mix all together with oatmeal, suet, 19090salt, pepper and stock to moisten. Pack the mixture into bag, allowing for 19091swelling. Boil for three hours, pricking regularly all over. If bag not 19092available, steam in greased basin covered by greaseproof paper and cloth for 19093four to five hours. 19094% 19095For those who like this sort of thing, this is the sort of thing they 19096like. 19097 -- Abraham Lincoln 19098% 19099"For three days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow but 19100phone calls taper off." 19101 -- Johnny Carson 19102% 19103For what it's worth, if you -can- get Michelle Pfeiffer to model 19104a latex daemon suit for the catalog, I strongly suggest you do. 19105Breasts can sell anything. Shiny red latex body suits start 19106religions. 19107 -- Brian McGroarty <bvmcg@yahoo.com> 19108% 19109For years a secret shame destroyed my peace -- 19110I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece. 19111But now I think a thought that brings me hope: 19112Neither had Chaucer, Shakespeare, Milton, Pope. 19113 -- Justin Richardson 19114% 19115For your penance, say five Hail Marys and one loud BLAH! 19116% 19117Force has no place where there is need of skill. 19118 -- Herodotus 19119% 19120"Force is but might," the teacher said-- 19121"That definition's just." 19122The boy said naught but thought instead, 19123Remembering his pounded head: 19124"Force is not might but must!" 19125% 19126Force it!!! 19127If it breaks, well, it wasn't working anyway... 19128No, don't force it, get a bigger hammer. 19129% 19130FORCE YOURSELF TO RELAX! 19131% 19132Forecast, n: 19133 A prediction of the future, based on the past, for 19134 which the forecaster demands payment in the present. 19135% 19136Forest fires cause Smokey Bears. 19137% 19138Forgetfulness, n.: 19139 A gift of God bestowed upon debtors in compensation for their 19140destitution of conscience. 19141% 19142Forgive and forget. 19143 -- Cervantes 19144% 19145Forgive him, 19146for he believes that the customs of his tribe are the laws of nature! 19147 -- George Bernard Shaw 19148% 19149Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee 19150And I'll forgive Thy great big one on me. 19151 -- Robert Frost 19152% 19153Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names. 19154 -- John F. Kennedy 19155% 19156Forms follow function, and often obliterate it. 19157% 19158Forsan et haec olim meminisse juvabit. 19159% 19160FORTH IF HONK THEN 19161% 19162FORTRAN is a good example of a language 19163which is easier to parse using ad hoc techniques. 19164 -- D. Gries 19165 [What's good about it? Ed.] 19166% 19167FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. 19168% 19169FORTRAN is not a flower but a weed -- it is hardy, 19170occasionally blooms, and grows in every computer. 19171 -- A. J. Perlis 19172% 19173FORTRAN is the language of Powerful Computers. 19174 -- Steven Feiner 19175% 19176FORTRAN rots the brain. 19177 -- John McQuillin 19178% 19179FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is hopelessly 19180inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is 19181too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use. 19182 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 19183% 19184[FORTRAN] will persist for some time -- 19185probably for at least the next decade. 19186 -- T. Cheatham 19187% 19188Fortunate is he for whom the belle toils. 19189% 19190Fortunately, the responsibility for providing evidence is on the part of 19191the person making the claim, not the critic. It is not the responsibility 19192of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the 19193responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals 19194or colored lights never healed anyone. The skeptic's role is to point out 19195claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidence and to 19196provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with 19197the accepted body of scientific evidence. 19198 -- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII, 19199 No. 2, pg. 215 19200% 19201Fortune and love befriend the bold. 19202 -- Ovid 19203% 19204FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #3 19205 19206Q: Why haven't you graduated yet? 19207A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted 19208 my dissertation to rhyme. 19209% 19210FORTUNE ANSWERS THE TOUGH QUESTIONS: #8 19211 19212Q: Is God a myth? 19213A: No, He's a mythter. 19214% 19215fortune: cannot execute. Out of cookies. 19216% 19217fortune: CPU time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped. 19218% 19219FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #14 19220 19221Low Blows: 19222 Let's say a man and woman are watching a boxing match on TV. One 19223of the boxers is felled by a low blow. The woman says "Oh, gee. That must 19224hurt." The man doubles over and actually FEELS the pain. 19225 19226Dressing Up: 19227 A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the 19228garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail. A man will dress up 19229for: weddings, funerals. Speaking of weddings, when reminiscing about 19230weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". Men laugh about "the bachelor 19231party". 19232 19233David Letterman: 19234 Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the 19235Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad 19236haircut. 19237% 19238FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #16 19239 19240Relationships: 19241 First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -- he 19242refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie were doing it on a semi-regular 19243basis". 19244 When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to 19245her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots". Then 19246she will get on with her life. 19247 A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the 19248breakup, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just 19249wanted to let you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I 19250hate you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know that there's 19251always a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" 19252drunken phone call, that 99% if all men have made at least once. There are 19253community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, 19254these classes rarely prove effective. 19255% 19256FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #17 19257 19258Shoes: 19259 The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes, 19260boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor 19261of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet. 19262 19263Making friends: 19264 A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things 19265together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends." 19266 A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things 19267together, and say nothing. After years of interacting with this other man, 19268sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or 19269psychiatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken 19270sentimentality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a 19271jerk, I guess you're OK." 19272% 19273FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #2 19274 19275Desserts: 19276 A woman will generally admire an ornate dessert for the artistic 19277work it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before 19278she reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge. A man will start by 19279grabbing the cherry in the center. 19280 19281Car repair: 19282 The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair 19283manuals for every car made since World War II. He will work on a problem 19284himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be 19285fixed without special tools". 19286 The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an 19287accurate description of an automotive problem. She will, however, have the 19288car serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than 19289the average man. 19290% 19291FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #4 19292 19293Weddings: 19294 When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony". 19295Men talk about "the bachelor party". 19296 19297Clothes: 19298 Men don't discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt 19299he wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in" about 19300the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let new shirts sit on 19301the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before putting 19302them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age. 19303 Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year. 19304They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's fashions. 19305% 19306FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #5 19307 19308Trust: 19309 The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is fooling 19310around behind her back. This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend if 19311she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair. She'll tell all her 19312OTHER friends, however. The average man won't say anything if he knows that 19313one of his friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if 19314his mate is having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one 19315of his friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though, 19316so they can be ready if he needs an alibi. 19317 19318Driving: 19319 19320 A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind 19321the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep 19322him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting 19323to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has The 19324Right Stuff on the morning commute. Does he or doesn't he? Only his body 19325shop knows for sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and 19326price their policies accordingly. 19327 A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get 19328rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to 19329her makeup. 19330% 19331FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #6 19332 19333Bathrooms: 19334 A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, toothpaste, 19335shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn. 19336The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man 19337would not be able to identify most of these items. 19338 19339Groceries: 19340 A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store 19341and buys these things. A man waits 'til the only items left in his fridge 19342are half a lime and a Blue Ribbon. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys 19343everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, 19344his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. 19345Of course, this will not stop him from entering the 10-items-or-less lane. 19346% 19347FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #8 19348 19349Going Out: 19350 When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go 19351out. When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready 19352to go out, as soon as she finds her earring, finishes putting on her makeup, 19353checks on the kids, makes a phone call to her best friend... 19354 19355Cats: 19356 Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't 19357looking, men kick cats. 19358 19359Offspring: 19360 Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows 19361about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends 19362and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. Men are vaguely 19363aware of some short people living in the house. 19364% 19365FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #9 19366 19367Laundry: 19368 Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every article 19369of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about eight 19370years ago, before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out of clothes, 19371he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and take his mountain 19372of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet beautiful women at 19373the laundromat. This is a myth. 19374 19375Nicknames: 19376 If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch, 19377they will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if 19378Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately 19379refer to each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless. 19380 19381Socks: 19382 Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks. 19383Women wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures 19384of clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back. 19385% 19386FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #10 19387 19388CARTABLANCA: 19389 Bogart stars as the owner of a North African nightclub that sells 19390 only Mexican beer. Of course, this policy gets him into no end of 19391 trouble with the local French authorities who would really prefer 19392 wine and the occupying Germans who believe that only their beer is 19393 fit to be sold. Wacky events ensue until the gripping climax in 19394 which the much-hated German beer distributor is drowned in a vat. 19395% 19396FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #11 19397 19398MONOPOLI: 19399 Peter Weir's classic film examining the false heroism of parlour 19400 games. The powerful ending of the film sees one young man after 19401 another charge toward GO, only to senselessly lose his life on the 19402 Boardwalk property. 19403% 19404FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #12 19405 19406O.E.D.: David Lean, 1969, 3 hours 30 min. 19407 19408 Lean's version of the Oxford Dictionary has been accused of 19409 shallowness in its treatment of a complete work. Omar Sharif 19410 tends to overact as aardvark, but Alec Guinness is solid in 19411 the role of abbacy. As usual, the photography is stunning. 19412 With Julie Christie. 19413% 19414FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #3 19415 19416MIRACLE ON 42ND STREET: 19417 Santa Claus, in the off season, follows his heart's desire and 19418 tries to make it big on Broadway. Santa sings and dances his way 19419 into your heart. 19420% 19421FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #4 19422 19423WITLESS: 19424 Peter Weir directs Sylvester Stallone in the most challenging role 19425 of his career. Stallone plays a Philadelphia police officer on the 19426 run from corrupt officials. He is wounded and then nursed back to 19427 health by Amish Mennonites. Fearful that they might unwittingly 19428 reveal his hiding place, he blows them all away. 19429% 19430FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #5 19431 19432THE ATOMIC GRANDMOTHER: 19433 This humorous but heart-warming story tells of an elderly woman 19434 forced to work at a nuclear power plant in order to help the family 19435 make ends meet. At night, granny sits on the porch, tells tales 19436 of her colorful past, and the family uses her to cook barbecues 19437 and to power small electrical appliances. Maureen Stapleton gives 19438 a glowing performance. 19439% 19440FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #6 19441 19442RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min. 19443 One of the great Australian films of the early 1980's, and 19444 arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating 19445 hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison. 19446% 19447FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #7 19448 19449OUT OF "OUT OF AFRICA": 19450 This film is a compilation of selected news clips depicting audiences 19451 frantically pushing and shoving to get out of theatres where "Out of 19452 Africa" is showing. Many people are trampled to death in the frenzy. 19453 Due to its violence and offensive language, not recommended for 19454 younger viewers. 19455% 19456FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #8 19457 19458THE SMURFS AND THE CUISINART (1986) 19459 The lovable little blue Smurfs encounter a lovable little kitchen 19460 appliance, which invites them to play. The Smurfs learn a valuable 19461 (if sometimes fatal) lesson. 19462 19463THE SMURFS AND THE CARBON-DIOXIDE INDUSTRIAL LASER (1987) 19464 The inevitable sequel. The lovable and somewhat mangled surviving 19465 Smurfs team up with the Care Bears to encounter a cute, lovable piece 19466 of high-tech welding equipment, which teaches them the magic of 19467 becoming rather greasy smoke. Heartwarming fun for the entire family. 19468% 19469FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS: #9 19470 19471THE PARKING PROBLEM IN PARIS: Jean-Luc Godard, 1971, 7 hours 18 min. 19472 19473 Godard's meditation on the topic has been described as 19474 everything from "timeless" to "endless." (Remade by Gene 19475 Wilder as NO PLACE TO PARK.) 19476% 19477Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: 19478 19479It is a rule of evidence deduced from the experience of mankind and 19480supported by reason and authority that positive testimony is entitled to 19481more weight than negative testimony, but by the latter term is meant 19482negative testimony in its true sense and not positive evidence of a 19483negative, because testimony in support of a negative may be as positive 19484as that in support of an affirmative. 19485 -- 254 Pac. Rep. 472. 19486% 19487Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: 19488 19489We can imagine no reason why, with ordinary care, human toes could not be 19490left out of chewing tobacco, and if toes are found in chewing tobacco, it 19491seems to us that someone has been very careless. 19492 -- 78 So. 365. 19493% 19494Fortune Documents the Great Legal Decisions: 19495 19496We think that we may take judicial notice of the fact that the term "bitch" 19497may imply some feeling of endearment when applied to a female of the canine 19498species but that it is seldom, if ever, so used when applied to a female 19499of the human race. Coming as it did, reasonably close on the heels of two 19500revolver shots directed at the person of whom it was probably used, we think 19501it carries every reasonable implication of ill-will toward that person. 19502 -- Smith v. Moran, 193 N.E. 2d 466. 19503% 19504FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #1 19505 19506skilled oral communicator: 19507 Mumbles inaudibly when attempting to speak. Talks to self. 19508 Argues with self. Loses these arguments. 19509 19510skilled written communicator: 19511 Scribbles well. Memos are invariable illegible, except for 19512 the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else. 19513 19514growth potential: 19515 With proper guidance, periodic counseling, and remedial training, 19516 the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet 19517 the minimum requirements expected of him by the company. 19518 19519key company figure: 19520 Serves as the perfect counter example. 19521% 19522FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #4 19523 19524consistent: 19525 Reviewee hasn't gotten anything right yet, and it is anticipated 19526 that this pattern will continue throughout the coming year. 19527 19528an excellent sounding board: 19529 Present reviewee with any number of alternatives, and implement 19530 them in the order precisely opposite of his/her specification. 19531 19532a planner and organizer: 19533 Usually manages to put on socks before shoes. Can match the 19534 animal tags on his clothing. 19535% 19536FORTUNE EXPLAINS WHAT JOB REVIEW CATCH PHRASES MEAN: #9 19537 19538has management potential: 19539 Because of his intimate relationship with inanimate objects, the 19540 reviewee has been appointed to the critical position of department 19541 pencil monitor. 19542 19543inspirational: 19544 A true inspiration to others. ("There, but for the grace of God, 19545 go I.") 19546 19547adapts to stress: 19548 Passes wind, water, or out depending upon the severity of the 19549 situation. 19550 19551goal oriented: 19552 Continually sets low goals for himself, and usually fails 19553 to meet them. 19554% 19555Fortune favors the lucky. 19556% 19557Fortune finishes the great quotations, #12 19558 19559 Those who can, do. Those who can't, write the instructions. 19560% 19561Fortune finishes the great quotations, #15 19562 19563 "Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses." 19564 And while you're at it, throw in a couple of those Dallas 19565 Cowboy cheerleaders. 19566% 19567Fortune finishes the great quotations, #17 19568 19569 "This bud of love, by summer's ripening breath, 19570 May prove a beauteous flower when next we meet." 19571 Juliet, this bud's for you. 19572% 19573Fortune finishes the great quotations, #2 19574 19575 If at first you don't succeed, think how many people 19576 you've made happy. 19577% 19578Fortune finishes the great quotations, #21 19579 19580 Shall I compare thee to a Summer day? 19581 No, I guess not. 19582% 19583Fortune finishes the great quotations, #3 19584 19585 Birds of a feather flock to a newly washed car. 19586% 19587Fortune finishes the great quotations, #6 19588 19589 "But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?" 19590 It's nothing, honey. Go back to sleep. 19591% 19592Fortune finishes the great quotations, #9 19593 19594 A word to the wise is often enough to start an argument. 19595% 19596fortune: No such file or directory 19597% 19598fortune: not found 19599% 19600Fortune presents: 19601 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #1. 19602 19603^Cu vi parolas angle? Do you speak English? 19604Mi ne komprenas. I don't understand. 19605Vi estas la sola esperantisto kiun mi You're the only Esperanto speaker 19606 renkontas. I've met. 19607La ^ceko estas enpo^stigita. The check is in the mail. 19608Oni ne povas, ^gin netrovi. You can't miss it. 19609Mi nur rigardadas. I'm just looking around. 19610Nu, ^sajnis bona ideo. Well, it seemed like a good idea. 19611% 19612Fortune presents: 19613 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #2. 19614 19615^Cu tiu loko estas okupita? Is this seat taken? 19616^Cu vi ofte venas ^ci-tien? Do you come here often? 19617^Cu mi povas havi via telelonnumeron? May I have your phone number? 19618Mi estas komputilisto. I work with computers. 19619Mi legas multe da scienca fikcio. I read a lot of science fiction. 19620^Cu necesas ke vi eliras? Do you really have to be going? 19621% 19622Fortune presents: 19623 USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #5. 19624 19625Mi ^cevalovipus vin se mi havus I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse. 19626 ^cevalon. 19627Vere vi ^sercas. You must be kidding. 19628Nu, parDOOOOOnu min! Well exCUUUUUSE me! 19629Kiu invitis vin? Who invited you? 19630Kion vi diris pri mia patrino? What did you say about my mother? 19631Bu^so^stopu min per kulero. Gag me with a spoon. 19632% 19633FORTUNE PRESENTS FAMOUS LAST WORDS: #4 19634 19635Socrates: I DRANK WHAT!?!? 19636Tarzan: Who greased the grape viiiiiiiiiiiinnnneee........ 19637Al Capone: There's a violin in my violin case! 19638Pilot, TWA Fl. #343: What's a mountain goat doing 'way up here? 19639% 19640FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #13 19641 19642A: Doc, Happy, Bashful, Dopey, Sneezy, Sleepy, & Grumpy 19643Q: Who were the Democratic presidential candidates? 19644% 19645FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #15 19646 19647A: The Royal Canadian Mounted Police. 19648Q: What was the greatest achievement in taxidermy? 19649% 19650FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #19 19651 19652A: To be or not to be. 19653Q: What is the square root of 4b^2? 19654% 19655FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #21 19656 19657A: Dr. Livingston I. Presume. 19658Q: What's Dr. Presume's full name? 19659% 19660FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #31 19661 19662A: Chicken Teriyaki. 19663Q: What is the name of the world's oldest kamikaze pilot? 19664% 19665FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #4 19666 19667A: Go west, young man, go west! 19668Q: What do wabbits do when they get tiwed of wunning awound? 19669% 19670FORTUNE PROVIDES QUESTIONS FOR THE GREAT ANSWERS: #5 19671 19672A: The Halls of Montezuma and the Shores of Tripoli. 19673Q: Name two families whose kids won't join the Marines. 19674% 19675FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #5 19676 19677 "And, and, and, and, but, but, but, but!" 19678 -- Mrs. Janice Markowsky, April 8, 1965 19679% 19680FORTUNE REMEMBERS THE GREAT MOTHERS: #6 19681 19682 "Johnny, if you fall and break your leg, don't come running to me!" 19683 -- Mrs. Emily Barstow, June 16, 1954 19684% 19685Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands! 19686 19687Try: 19688 ar t "God" 19689 drink < bottle; opener (Bourne Shell) 19690 cat "food in tin cans" (all but 4.[23]BSD) 19691 Hey UNIX! Got a match? (V6 or C shell) 19692 mkdir matter; cat > matter (Bourne Shell) 19693 rm God 19694 man: Why did you get a divorce? (C shell) 19695 date me (anything up to 4.3BSD) 19696 make "heads or tails of all this" 19697 who is smart 19698 (C shell) 19699 If I had a ) for every dollar of the national debt, what would I have? 19700 sleep with me (anything up to 4.3BSD) 19701% 19702Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samurai 19703sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles. 19704 19705Oh, and have a nice day! 19706 -- Bryce Nesbitt '84 19707% 19708fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate: 19709 19710 I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine. 19711 "Hey you, get off my plate" 19712 -- Roger Midnight 19713% 19714Fortune's current rates: 19715 19716 Answers .10 19717 Long answers .25 19718 Answers requiring thought .50 19719 Correct answers $1.00 19720 19721 Dumb looks are still free. 19722% 19723Fortune's diet truths: 197241: Forget what the cookbooks say, plain yogurt tastes nothing like sour cream. 197252: Any recipe calling for soybeans tastes like mud. 197263: Carob is not an acceptable substitute for chocolate. In fact, carob is not 19727 an acceptable substitute for anything, except, perhaps, brown shoe polish. 197284: There is no such thing as a "fun salad." So let's stop pretending and see 19729 salads for what they are: God's punishment for being fat. 197305: Fruit salad without maraschino cherries and marshmallows is about as 19731 appealing as tepid beer. 197326: A world lacking gravy is a tragic place! 197337: You should immediately pass up any recipes entitled "luscious and 19734 low-cal." Also skip dishes featuring "lively liver." They aren't and 19735 it isn't. 197368: Wearing a blindfold often makes many diet foods more palatable. 197379: Fresh fruit is not dessert. CAKE is dessert! 1973810: Okra tastes slightly worse than its name implies. 1973911: A plain baked potato isn't worth the effort involved in chewing and 19740 swallowing. 19741% 19742Fortune's Exercising Truths: 19743 197441: Richard Simmons gets paid to exercise like a lunatic. You don't. 197452. Aerobic exercises stimulate and speed up the heart. So do heart attacks. 197463. Exercising around small children can scar them emotionally for life. 197474. Sweating like a pig and gasping for breath is not refreshing. 197485. No matter what anyone tells you, isometric exercises cannot be done 19749 quietly at your desk at work. People will suspect manic tendencies as 19750 you twitter around in your chair. 197516. Next to burying bones, the thing a dog enjoys most is tripping joggers. 197527. Locking four people in a tiny, cement-walled room so they can run around 19753 for an hour smashing a little rubber ball -- and each other -- with a hard 19754 racket should immediately be recognized for what it is: a form of insanity. 197558. Fifty push-ups, followed by thirty sit-ups, followed by ten chin-ups, 19756 followed by one throw-up. 197579. Any activity that can't be done while smoking should be avoided. 19758% 19759FORTUNE'S FAVORITE RECIPES: #8 19760 Christmas Rum Cake 19761 197621 or 2 quarts rum 1 tbsp. baking powder 197631 cup butter 1 tsp. soda 197641 tsp. sugar 1 tbsp. lemon juice 197652 large eggs 2 cups brown sugar 197662 cups dried assorted fruit 3 cups chopped English walnuts 19767 19768Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now 19769select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum again. It 19770must be just right. Be sure the rum is of the highest quality. Pour one cup 19771of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can. Repeat. With an electric 19772mixer, beat one cup butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 seaspoon of tugar 19773and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure the rum teh absolutely highest quality. 19774Sample another cup. Open second quart as necessary. Add 2 orge laggs, 2 cups 19775of fried druit and beat untill high. If the fried druit gets stuck in the 19776beaters, just pry it loose with a screwdriver. Sample the rum again, checking 19777for toncisticity. Next sift 3 cups of baking powder, a pinch of rum, a 19778seaspoon of toda and a cup of pepper or salt (it really doesn't matter). 19779Sample some more. Sift 912 pint of lemon juice. Fold in schopped butter and 19780strained chups. Add bablespoon of brown gugar, or whatever color you have. 19781Mix mell. Grease oven and turn cake pan to 350 gredees and rake until 19782poothtick comes out crean. 19783% 19784Fortune's Fictitious Country Song Title of the Week: 19785 "How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?" 19786% 19787FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1 19788 A guinea pig is not from Guinea but a rodent from South America. 19789 A firefly is not a fly, but a beetle. 19790 A giant panda bear is really a member of the raccoon family. 19791 A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat 19792 rather than a spotted one. 19793 Peanuts are not really nuts. The majority of nuts grow on trees 19794 while peanuts grow underground. They are classified as a 19795 legume-part of the pea family. 19796 A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit. 19797% 19798FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14 19799 The Baby Ruth candy bar was not named after George Herman "The Babe" 19800Ruth, but after the oldest daughter of President Grover Cleveland. 19801% 19802FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #37 19803 Can you name the seven seas? 19804 Antarctic, Arctic, North Atlantic, South Atlantic, Indian, 19805 North Pacific, South Pacific. 19806 Can you name the seven dwarfs from Snow White? 19807 Doc, Dopey, Sneezy, Happy, Grumpy, Sleepy and Bashful. 19808% 19809FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #44 19810 Zebra's are colored with dark stripes on a light background. 19811% 19812FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #108 19813 19814In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless 19815there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red 19816flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. 19817% 19818FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #14 19819 According to Kentucky state law, every person must take a bath 19820at least once a year. 19821% 19822FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #16 19823 19824The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas River 19825can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little Rock. 19826% 19827FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #19 19828 A Los Angeles judge ruled that "a citizen may snore with immunity in 19829his own home, even though he may be in possession of unusual and exceptional 19830ability in that particular field." 19831% 19832FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1 19833 19834In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own 19835at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public. 19836% 19837FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #2 19838 Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa. 19839% 19840FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #3 19841 A New York City judge ruled that if two women behind you at the 19842movies insist on discussing the probable outcome of the film, you have the 19843right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them. 19844% 19845FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #8 19846 19847 Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart 19848a box of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. 19849% 19850Fortune's graffito of the week (or maybe even month): 19851 19852 Don't Write On Walls! 19853 19854 (and underneath) 19855 19856 You want I should type? 19857% 19858Fortune's Great Moments in History: #3 19859 19860August 27, 1949: 19861 A Hall of Fame opened to honor outstanding members of the 19862 Women's Air Corp. It was a WAC's Museum. 19863% 19864FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #14 19865What to do... 19866 if reality disappears? 19867 Hope this one doesn't happen to you. There isn't much that you 19868 can do about it. It will probably be quite unpleasant. 19869 19870 if you meet an older version of yourself who has invented a time 19871 traveling machine, and has come from the future to meet you? 19872 Play this one by the book. Ask about the stock market and cash in. 19873 Don't forget to invent a time traveling machine and visit your 19874 younger self before you die, or you will create a paradox. If you 19875 expect this to be tricky, make sure to ask for the principles 19876 behind time travel, and possibly schematics. Never, NEVER, ask 19877 when you'll die, or if you'll marry your current SO. 19878% 19879FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #2 19880What to do... 19881 if you get a phone call from Mars: 19882 Speak slowly and be sure to enunciate your words properly. Limit 19883 your vocabulary to simple words. Try to determine if you are 19884 speaking to someone in a leadership capacity, or an ordinary citizen. 19885 19886 if he, she or it doesn't speak English? 19887 Hang up. There's no sense in trying to learn Martian over the phone. 19888 If your Martian really had something important to say to you, he, she 19889 or it would have taken the trouble to learn the language before 19890 calling. 19891 19892 if you get a phone call from Jupiter? 19893 Explain to your caller, politely but firmly, that being from Jupiter, 19894 he, she or it is not "life as we know it". Try to terminate the 19895 conversation as soon as possible. It will not profit you, and the 19896 charges may have been reversed. 19897% 19898FORTUNE'S GUIDE TO DEALING WITH REAL-LIFE SCIENCE FICTION: #6 19899What to do... 19900 if a starship, equipped with an FTL hyperdrive lands in your backyard? 19901 First of all, do not run after your camera. You will not have any 19902 film, and, given the state of computer animation, noone will believe 19903 you anyway. Be polite. Remember, if they have an FTL hyperdrive, 19904 they can probably vaporize you, should they find you to be rude. 19905 Direct them to the White House lawn, which is where they probably 19906 wanted to land, anyway. A good road map should help. 19907 19908 if you wake up in the middle of the night, and discover that your 19909 closet contains an alternate dimension? 19910 Don't walk in. You almost certainly will not be able to get back, 19911 and alternate dimensions are almost never any fun. Remain calm 19912 and go back to bed. Close the door first, so that the cat does not 19913 wander off. Check your closet in the morning. If it still contains 19914 an alternate dimension, nail it shut. 19915% 19916Fortune's Guide to Freshman Notetaking: 19917 19918WHEN THE PROFESSOR SAYS: YOU WRITE: 19919 19920Probably the greatest quality of the poetry John Milton -- born 1608 19921of John Milton, who was born in 1608, is the 19922combination of beauty and power. Few have 19923excelled him in the use of the English language, 19924or for that matter, in lucidity of verse form, 19925'Paradise Lost' being said to be the greatest 19926single poem ever written." 19927 19928Current historians have come to Most of the problems that now 19929doubt the complete advantageousness face the United States are 19930of some of Roosevelt's policies... directly traceable to the 19931 bungling and greed of President 19932 Roosevelt. 19933 19934... it is possible that we simply do Professor Mitchell is a 19935not understand the Russian viewpoint... communist. 19936% 19937Fortune's Law of the Week (this week, from Kentucky): 19938 No female shall appear in a bathing suit at any airport in this 19939State unless she is escorted by two officers or unless she is armed 19940with a club. The provisions of this statute shall not apply to females 19941weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it 19942apply to female horses. 19943% 19944Fortune's nomination for All-Time Champion and Protector of Youthful 19945Morals goes to Representative Clare E. Hoffman of Michigan. During an 19946impassioned House debate over a proposed bill to "expand oyster and 19947clam research," a sharp-eared informant transcribed the following 19948exchange between our hero and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan. 19949 19950DINGELL: There are places in the world at the present time where we are 19951 having to artificially propagate oysters and clams. 19952HOFFMAN: You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters? 19953DINGELL: They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter 19954 is that female oysters through their living habits cast out 19955 large amounts of seed and the male oysters cast out large 19956 amounts of fertilization ... 19957HOFFMAN: Wait a minute! I do not want to go into that. There are many 19958 teenagers who read The Congressional Record. 19959% 19960Fortune's Office Door Sign of the Week: 19961 19962 Incorrigible punster -- Do not incorrige. 19963% 19964FORTUNE'S PARTY TIPS #14 19965 19966Tired of finding that other people are helping themselves to your good 19967liquor at BYOB parties? Take along a candle, which you insert and 19968light after you've opened the bottle. No one ever expects anything 19969drinkable to be in a bottle which has a candle stuck in its neck. 19970% 19971Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #18: 19972 19973Q: Are you married? 19974A: No, I'm divorced. 19975Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him? 19976A: A lot of things I didn't know about. 19977% 19978Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #19: 19979 19980Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? 19981A: All my autopsies have been performed on dead people. 19982% 19983Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #29: 19984 19985THE JUDGE: Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present 19986 information and prejudice from your minds, if you have 19987 any ... 19988% 19989Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #32: 19990 19991Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are right now? 19992A: I will be three months November 8th. 19993Q: Apparently then, the date of conception was August 8th? 19994A: Yes. 19995Q: What were you and your husband doing at that time? 19996% 19997Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #37: 19998 19999Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears? 20000A: No. 20001Q: What was he doing with the dog's ears? 20002A: Picking them up in the air. 20003Q: Where was the dog at this time? 20004A: Attached to the ears. 20005% 20006Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #3: 20007 20008Q: When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were 20009 able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to 20010 go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with 20011 him to the station? 20012MR. BROOKS: Objection. That question should be taken out and shot. 20013% 20014Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #41: 20015 20016Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? 20017A: By death. 20018Q: And by whose death was it terminated? 20019% 20020Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #52: 20021 20022Q: What is your name? 20023A: Ernestine McDowell. 20024Q: And what is your marital status? 20025A: Fair. 20026% 20027Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #7: 20028 20029Q: What happened then? 20030A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify 20031 me." 20032Q: Did he kill you? 20033A: No. 20034% 20035Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #2 20036 20037Given the incredible advances in sociocybernetics and telepsychology over 20038the last few years, we are now able to completely understand everything that 20039the author of a memo is trying to say. Thanks to modern developments 20040in electrocommunications like notes, vnews, and electricity, we have an 20041incredible level of interunderstanding the likes of which civilization has 20042never known. Thus, the possibility of your misinterpreting someone else's 20043memo is practically nil. Knowing this, anyone who accuses you of having 20044done so is a liar, and should be treated accordingly. If you *do* understand 20045the memo in question, but have absolutely nothing of substance to say, then 20046you have an excellent opportunity for a vicious ad hominem attack. In fact, 20047the only *inappropriate* times for an ad hominem attack are as follows: 20048 20049 1: When you agree completely with the author of a memo. 20050 2: When the author of the original memo is much bigger than you are. 20051 3: When replying to one of your own memos. 20052% 20053FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #2 20054 20055 Never goose a wolverine. 20056% 20057FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #23 20058 20059 Don't cut off a police car when making an illegal U-turn. 20060% 20061Forty isn't old, if you're a tree. 20062% 20063Four be the things I am wiser to know: 20064Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe. 20065 20066Four be the things I'd been better without: 20067Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt. 20068 20069Three be the things I shall never attain: 20070Envy, content, and sufficient champagne. 20071 20072Three be the things I shall have till I die: 20073Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye. 20074 -- Dorothy Parker, "Inventory" 20075% 20076Four fifths of the perjury in the world is expended on 20077tombstones, women and competitors. 20078 -- Lord Thomas Dewar 20079% 20080Four hours to bury the cat? 20081Yes, damn thing wouldn't keep still, kept mucking about, 'owling... 20082% 20083Fourteen years in the professor dodge has taught me that one can argue 20084ingeniously on behalf of any theory, applied to any piece of literature. 20085This is rarely harmful, because normally no-one reads such essays. 20086 -- Robert Parker, quoted in "Murder Ink", ed. D. Wynn 20087% 20088Fourth Law of Applied Terror: 20089 The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology 20090instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria. 20091 20092Corollary: 20093 Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do 20094except study for that instructor's course. 20095% 20096Fourth Law of Revision: 20097 It is usually impractical to worry beforehand about 20098interferences -- if you have none, someone will make one for you. 20099% 20100Fourth Law of Thermodynamics: If the probability of success is not 20101almost one, it is damn near zero. 20102 -- David Ellis 20103% 20104Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a 20105policeman's tie. 20106% 20107Frankly, Scarlett, I don't have a fix. 20108 -- Rhett Buggler 20109% 20110Fraud is the homage that force pays to reason. 20111 -- Charles Curtis, "A Commonplace Book" 20112% 20113Free Speech Is The Right To Shout "Theater" In A Crowded Fire. 20114 -- A Yippie proverb 20115% 20116Freedom begins when you tell Mrs. Grundy to go fly a kite. 20117% 20118Freedom from incrustation of grime is contiguous to rectitude. 20119% 20120Freedom is nothing else but the chance to do better. 20121 -- Camus 20122% 20123Freedom is slavery. 20124Ignorance is strength. 20125War is peace. 20126 -- George Orwell 20127% 20128Freedom of the press is for those who happen to own one. 20129% 20130Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose. 20131 -- Kris Kristofferson, "Me and Bobby McGee" 20132% 20133Fremen add life to spice! 20134% 20135Fresco's Discovery: 20136 If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored. 20137% 20138Friction is a drag. 20139% 20140Fried's 1st Rule: 20141 Increased automation of clerical function 20142 invariably results in increased operational costs. 20143% 20144Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate. 20145 -- Thomas Jones 20146% 20147Friends, n: 20148 People who borrow your books and set wet glasses on them. 20149 20150 People who know you well, but like you anyway. 20151% 20152Friends, Romans, Hipsters, 20153Let me clue you in; 20154I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him. 20155The square kicks some cats are on stay with them; 20156The hip bits, like, go down under; so let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus 20157Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes; 20158If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea, 20159And, like, old Caesar really set them straight. 20160Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs, -- for Brutus is a real cool cat; 20161So are they all, all cool cats, -- 20162Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down. 20163% 20164Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority 20165over the other. 20166 -- Honore de Balzac 20167% 20168Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, 20169your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. 20170% 20171Frisbeetarianism, n.: 20172 The belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and 20173gets stuck. 20174% 20175Frobnicate, v.: 20176 To manipulate or adjust, to tweak. Derived from FROBNITZ. 20177Usually abbreviated to FROB. Thus one has the saying "to frob a 20178frob". See TWEAK and TWIDDLE. Usage: FROB, TWIDDLE, and TWEAK 20179sometimes connote points along a continuum. FROB connotes aimless 20180manipulation; TWIDDLE connotes gross manipulation, often a coarse 20181search for a proper setting; TWEAK connotes fine-tuning. If someone is 20182turning a knob on an oscilloscope, then if he's carefully adjusting it 20183he is probably tweaking it; if he is just turning it but looking at the 20184screen he is probably twiddling it; but if he's just doing it because 20185turning a knob is fun, he's frobbing it. 20186% 20187Frobnitz, pl. Frobnitzem (frob'nitsm) n.: 20188 An unspecified physical object, a widget. Also refers to 20189electronic black boxes. This rare form is usually abbreviated to 20190FROTZ, or more commonly to FROB. Also used are FROBNULE, FROBULE, and 20191FROBNODULE. Starting perhaps in 1979, FROBBOZ (fruh-bahz'), pl. 20192FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure 20193via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be 20194applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures. 20195% 20196From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds. 20197 -- Ad for the new VW Corrado 20198% 20199From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back. 20200That is the point that must be reached. 20201 -- F. Kafka 20202% 20203From a Tru64 patch description: 20204 20205 Fixes a bug that causes a panic due to software error 20206% 20207[From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology 20208Association, in Rome]: 20209 20210The Ontopsychological school, availing itself of new research criteria 20211and of a new telematic epistemology, maintains that social modes do not 20212spring from dialectics of territory or of class, or of consumer goods, 20213or of means of power, but rather from dynamic latencies capillarized in 20214millions of individuals in system functions which, once they have 20215reached the event maturation, burst forth in catastrophic phenomenology 20216engaging a suitable stereotype protagonist or duty marionette (general, 20217president, political party, etc.) to consummate the act of social 20218schizophrenia in mass genocide. 20219% 20220From Italian tourist guide: 20221 20222 "Non stop trains to Roma Termini Station leave from 7.38 20223 a.m. to 10.08 p.m., hourly." 20224% 20225From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance. 20226% 20227From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first. 20228 -- Bertolt Brecht 20229% 20230From the crystal swirling waters, 20231Of the Rio Amazon, 20232To the sacred halls of Bayonne, 20233Where we stand pajamas on. (It's the only thing that rhymes.) 20234From ev'ry hallowed venue, 20235Ev'ry forest, mount and vale, 20236Your butt is on the menu 20237And the check is in the mail. 20238 -- The Piranha Club Anthem, to the tune of "De Camptown Races" 20239% 20240From the "Guiness Book of World Records", 1973: 20241 20242Certain passages in several laws have always defied interpretation and 20243the most inexplicable must be a matter of opinion. A judge of the 20244Court of Session of Scotland has sent the editors of this book his 20245candidate which reads, "In the Nuts (unground), (other than ground 20246nuts) Order, the expression nuts shall have reference to such nuts, 20247other than ground nuts, as would but for this amending Order not 20248qualify as nuts (unground)(other than ground nuts) by reason of their 20249being nuts (unground)." 20250% 20251From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was 20252convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. 20253 -- Groucho Marx, from "The Book of Insults" 20254% 20255[From the operation manual for the CI-300 Dot Matrix Line Printer, made 20256in Japan]: 20257 20258The excellent output machine of MODEL CI-300 as extraordinary DOT 20259MATRIX LINE PRINTER, built in two MICRO-PROCESSORs as well as EAROM, is 20260featured by permitting wonderful co-existence such as; "high quality 20261against low cost", "diversified functions with compact design", 20262"flexibility in accessibleness and durability of approx. 2000,000,00 20263Dot/Head", "being sophisticated in mechanism but possibly agile 20264operating under noises being extremely suppressed" etc. 20265 20266And as a matter of course, the final goal is just simply to help 20267achieve "super shuttle diplomacy" between cool data, perhaps earned by 20268HOST COMPUTER, and warm heart of human being. 20269% 20270From the pages of Open Systems Today - October 13, 1994 .......... 20271 20272 "The International Standards Organization (ISO) and the 20273 International Electrotechnical Commission (IEC) designated 20274 October 14 as World Standards Day to recognize those 20275 volunteers who have worked hard to define international 20276 standards.......The United States celebrated World Standards 20277 Day on October 11; Finland celebrated on October 13; and 20278 Italy celebrated on October 18." 20279% 20280From the Pro 350 Pocket Service Guide, p. 49, Step 5 of the 20281instructions on removing an I/O board from the card cage, comes a new 20282experience in sound: 20283 20284 5. Turn the handle to the right 90 degrees. The pin-spreading 20285 sound is normal for this type of connector. 20286% 20287From too much love of living, 20288From hope and fear set free, 20289We thank with brief thanksgiving, 20290Whatever gods may be, 20291That no life lives forever, 20292That dead men rise up never, 20293That even the weariest river winds somewhere safe to sea. 20294 -- Swinburne 20295% 20296Fuch's Warning: 20297 If you actually look like your passport photo, you aren't well 20298enough to travel. 20299% 20300Fudd's First Law of Opposition: 20301 Push something hard enough and it will fall over. 20302% 20303Fun experiments: 20304 Get a can of shaving cream, throw it in a freezer for about a week. 20305 Then take it out, peel the metal off and put it where you want... 20306 bedroom, car, etc. As it thaws, it expands an unbelievable amount. 20307% 20308Fun Facts, #14: 20309 In table tennis, whoever gets 21 points first wins. That's how 20310 it once was in baseball -- whoever got 21 runs first won. 20311% 20312Fun Facts, #63: 20313 The name California was given to the state by Spanish conquistadores. 20314 It was the name of an imaginary island, a paradise on earth, in the 20315 Spanish romance, "Les Serges de Esplandian", written by Montalvo in 20316 1510. 20317% 20318Function reject. 20319% 20320Fundamentally, there may be no basis for anything. 20321% 20322Furbling, v.: 20323 Having to wander through a maze of ropes at an airport or bank 20324even when you are the only person in line. 20325 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 20326% 20327Furious activity is no substitute for understanding. 20328 -- H. H. Williams 20329% 20330Furthermore, if we send something by car, it's a shipment... 20331but if we send it by ship, it's cargo. 20332% 20333Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening. 20334% 20335Future will arrive by its own means. Progress not so. 20336 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 20337% 20338G. B. Shaw to William Douglas Home: "Go on writing plays, my boy. One 20339of these days a London producer will go into his office and say to his 20340secretary, `Is there a play from Shaw this morning?' and when she says 20341`No,' he will say, `Well, then we'll have to start on the rubbish.' And 20342that's your chance, my boy." 20343% 20344Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union. 20345 -- Joseph Stalin 20346% 20347Galbraith's Law of Human Nature: 20348 Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that 20349there is no need to do so, almost everybody gets busy on the proof. 20350% 20351Garbage In -- Gospel Out. 20352% 20353Garter, n.: 20354 An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of her 20355stockings and desolating the country. 20356 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 20357% 20358Gauls! We have nothing to fear; except perhaps that the sky may fall 20359on our heads tomorrow. But as we all know, tomorrow never comes!! 20360 -- Adventures of Asterix 20361% 20362Gay shlafen: Yiddish for "go to sleep". 20363 20364 Now doesn't "gay shlafen" have a softer, more soothing sound 20365than the harsh, staccato "go to sleep"? Listen to the difference: 20366 "Go to sleep, you little wretch!" ... "Gay shlafen, darling." 20367Obvious, isn't it? 20368 Clearly the best thing you can do for you children is to start 20369speaking Yiddish right now and never speak another word of English as 20370long as you live. This will, of course, entail teaching Yiddish to all 20371your friends, business associates, the people at the supermarket, and 20372so on, but that's just the point. It has to start with committed 20373individuals and then grow ... 20374 Some minor adjustments will have to be made, of course: those 20375signs written in what look like Yiddish letters won't be funny when 20376everything is written in Yiddish. And we'll have to start driving on 20377the left side of the road so we won't be reading the street signs 20378backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I 20379think not, my friend, I think not. 20380 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 20381% 20382Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore. 20383% 20384GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) 20385 A day to take the initiative. Put the garbage out, for 20386 instance, and pick up the stuff at the dry cleaners. Watch 20387 the mail carefully, although there won't be anything good 20388 in it today, either. 20389% 20390GEMINI (May 21 - June 20) 20391 You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you 20392because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much 20393for too little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for 20394committing incest. 20395% 20396GEMINI (May 21 to Jun. 20) 20397 Good news and bad news highlighted. Enjoy the good news while 20398you can; the bad news will make you forget it. You will enjoy praise 20399and respect from those around you; everybody loves a sucker. A short 20400trip is in the stars, possibly to the men's room. 20401% 20402Genderplex, n.: 20403 The predicament of a person in a restaurant who is unable to 20404determine his or her designated restroom (e.g., turtles and 20405tortoises). 20406 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 20407% 20408Genealogy, n.: 20409 An account of one's descent from an ancestor 20410 who did not particularly care to trace his own. 20411 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 20412% 20413General notions are generally wrong. 20414 -- Lady M. W. Montagu 20415% 20416Generally speaking, the Way of the warrior is resolute acceptance of death. 20417 -- Miyamoto Musashi, 1645 20418% 20419Generic Fortune. 20420% 20421Generosity and perfection are your everlasting goals. 20422% 20423Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why 20424you should. 20425% 20426GENIUS: 20427 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with bright. 20428% 20429GENIUS: 20430 Person clever enough to be born in the right place at the right 20431 time of the right sex and to follow up this advantage by saying 20432 all the right things to all the right people. 20433% 20434Genius does what it must, and Talent does what it can. 20435 -- Owen Meredith 20436% 20437Genius is one percent inspiration and ninety-nine percent perspiration. 20438 -- Thomas Alva Edison 20439% 20440Genius is pain. 20441 -- John Lennon 20442% 20443Genius is ten percent inspiration and fifty percent capital gains. 20444% 20445Genius is the talent of a person who is dead. 20446% 20447Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus 20448handicapped. 20449 -- Elbert Hubbard 20450% 20451Genius, n.: 20452 A chemist who discovers a laundry additive that rhymes with 20453"bright". 20454% 20455genlock, n: 20456 Why he stays in the bottle. 20457% 20458Gentlemen, 20459 Whilst marching from Portugal to a position which commands the approach 20460to Madrid and the French forces, my officers have been diligently complying 20461with your requests which have been sent by H.M. ship from London to Lisbon and 20462thence by dispatch to our headquarters. 20463 We have enumerated our saddles, bridles, tents and tent poles, and all 20464manner of sundry items for which His Majesty's Government holds me accountable. 20465I have dispatched reports on the character, wit, and spleen of every officer. 20466Each item and every farthing has been accounted for, with two regrettable 20467exceptions for which I beg your indulgence. 20468 Unfortunately the sum of one shilling and ninepence remains unaccounted 20469for in one infantry battalion's petty cash and there has been a hideous 20470confusion as to the number of jars of raspberry jam issued to one cavalry 20471regiment during a sandstorm in western Spain. This reprehensible carelessness 20472may be related to the pressure of circumstance, since we are war with France, a 20473fact which may come as a bit of a surprise to you gentlemen in Whitehall. 20474 This brings me to my present purpose, which is to request elucidation of 20475my instructions from His Majesty's Government so that I may better understand 20476why I am dragging an army over these barren plains. I construe that perforce it 20477must be one of two alternative duties, as given below. I shall pursue either 20478one with the best of my ability, but I cannot do both: 20479 1. To train an army of uniformed British clerks in Spain for the benefit 20480of the accountants and copy-boys in London or perchance: 20481 2. To see to it that the forces of Napoleon are driven out of Spain. 20482 -- Duke of Wellington, to the British Foreign Office, 20483 London, 1812 20484% 20485Genuine happiness is when a wife sees a double chin on her husband's 20486old girl friend. 20487% 20488George Bernard Shaw once sent two tickets to the opening night of one of 20489his plays to Winston Churchill with the following note: 20490 "Bring a friend, if you have one." 20491 20492Churchill wrote back, returning the two tickets and excused himself as he 20493had a previous engagement. He also attached the following: 20494 "Please send me two tickets for the next night, if there is one." 20495% 20496George Orwell 1984. Northwestern 0. 20497 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 20498% 20499George Orwell was an optimist. 20500% 20501George Washington was first in war, first in peace -- and the first to 20502have his birthday juggled to make a long weekend. 20503 -- Ashley Cooper 20504% 20505George's friend Sam had a dog who could recite the Gettysburg Address. "Let 20506me buy him from you," pleaded George after a demonstration. 20507 "Okay," agreed Sam. "All he knows is that Lincoln speech anyway." 20508 At his company's Fourth of July picnic, George brought his new pet 20509and announced that the animal could recite the entire Gettysburg Address. 20510No one believed him, and they proceeded to place bets against the dog. 20511George quieted the crowd and said, "Now we'll begin!" Then he looked at 20512the dog. The dog looked back. No sound. "Come on, boy, do your stuff." 20513Nothing. A disappointed George took his dog and went home. 20514 "Why did you embarrass me like that in front of everybody?" George 20515yelled at the dog. "Do you realize how much money you lost me?" 20516 "Don't be silly, George," replied the dog. "Think of the odds we're 20517gonna get on Labor Day." 20518% 20519(German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only 20520one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then added, 20521"And he didn't understand me." 20522% 20523Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics: 20524 (1) An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong 20525 direction. 20526 (2) An object at rest will always be in the wrong place. 20527 (3) The energy required to change either one of these states 20528 will always be more than you wish to expend, but never so 20529 much as to make the task totally impossible. 20530% 20531Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty. 20532% 20533Get GUMMed 20534---------- 20535 20536The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 1, 2076 20537(check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above the ground 20538directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep each other by the 20539hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered chroots in pipes, chown with 20540forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek nice zombie processes, strip, and 20541sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three days will be devoted to discussion of the 20542ramifications of whodo. Two seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown 20543of all the user-friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You 20544Know is Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis 20545"cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You 20546Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because all 20547GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we could tell 20548them. 20549 -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June 1984 20550% 20551Get in touch with your feelings of hostility against the dying light. 20552 -- Dylan Thomas 20553% 20554Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children! 20555% 20556Getting into trouble is easy. 20557 -- D. Winkel and F. Prosser 20558% 20559Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked 20560out of the Book-of-the-Month Club. 20561 -- Melvin Belli on the occasion of his getting kicked out 20562 of the American Bar Association 20563% 20564Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules. 20565 20566Corollary: 20567 Following the rules will not get the job done. 20568% 20569Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back. 20570% 20571Gibson's Springtime Song (to the tune of "Deck the Halls"): 20572 20573'Tis the season to chase mousies (Fa la la la la, la la la la) 20574Snatch them from their little housies (...) 20575First we chase them 'round the field (...) 20576Then we have them for a meal (...) 20577 20578Toss them here and catch them there (...) 20579See them flying through the air (...) 20580Watch them fly and hear them squeal (...) 20581Falling mice have great appeal (...) 20582 20583See the hunter stretched before us (...) 20584He's chased the mice in field and forest (...) 20585Watch him clean his long white whiskers (...) 20586Of the blood of little critters (...) 20587% 20588Gilbert's Discovery: 20589 Any attempt to use the new super glues results in the two pieces 20590 sticking to your thumb and index finger rather than to each other. 20591% 20592Gil-galad was an Elven-King 20593of him the harpers sadly sing; 20594the last whose realm was fair and free 20595between the Mountains and the Sea. 20596 20597His sword was long, his lance was keen, 20598his shining helm afar was seen; 20599the countless stars of heaven's field 20600were mirrored in his silver shield. 20601 20602But long ago he rode away, 20603and where he dwelleth none can say; 20604for into darkness fell his star 20605in Mordor where the shadows are. 20606% 20607Ginger Snap 20608% 20609Ginsberg's Theorem: 20610 (1) You can't win. 20611 (2) You can't break even. 20612 (3) You can't even quit the game. 20613 20614Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem: 20615 Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem 20616 meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's 20617 Theorem. To wit: 20618 20619 (1) Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win. 20620 (2) Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break 20621 even. 20622 (3) Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the 20623 game. 20624% 20625Ginsburg's Law: 20626 At the precise moment you take off your shoe in a shoe store, your 20627big toe will pop out of your sock to see what's going on. 20628% 20629GIVE: Support the helpless victims of computer error. 20630% 20631Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. 20632Teach a man to fish, and he'll invite himself over for dinner. 20633 -- Calvin Keegan 20634% 20635Give a small boy a hammer and he will find 20636that everything he encounters needs pounding. 20637% 20638Give a woman an inch and she'll park a car in it. 20639% 20640Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down 20641that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File". 20642% 20643Give him an evasive answer. 20644% 20645Give me a fish and I will eat today. 20646Teach me to fish and I will eat forever. 20647% 20648Give me a Plumber's friend the size of the Pittsburgh dome, and a place 20649to stand, and I will drain the world. 20650% 20651Give me a sleeping pill and tell me your troubles. 20652% 20653Give me chastity and continence, but not just now. 20654 -- St. Augustine 20655% 20656Give me enough medals, and I'll win any war. 20657 -- Napoleon 20658% 20659Give me libertines or give me meth. 20660% 20661Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe, 20662Bold I can meet -- perhaps may turn his blow! 20663But of all plagues, good Heaven, thy wrath can send, 20664Save me, oh save me from the candid friend. 20665 -- George Canning 20666% 20667Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities! 20668% 20669Give me your students, your secretaries, 20670Your huddled writers yearning to breathe free, 20671The wretched refuse of your Selectric III's. 20672Give these, the homeless, typist-tossed to me. 20673I lift my disk beside the processor. 20674 -- Inscription on a Word Processor 20675% 20676Give thought to your reputation. 20677Consider changing your name and moving to a new town. 20678% 20679GIVE UP!!!! 20680% 20681Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. 20682% 20683Give your very best today. 20684Heaven knows it's little enough. 20685% 20686Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief. 20687 -- William Faulkner 20688% 20689Given its constituency, the only thing I expect to be "open" about [the 20690Open Software Foundation] is its mouth. 20691 -- John Gilmore 20692% 20693Given my druthers, I'd druther not. 20694% 20695Given sufficient time, what you put 20696off doing today will get done by itself. 20697% 20698"Given the choice between accomplishing something and just lying 20699around, I'd rather lie around. No contest." 20700 -- Eric Clapton 20701% 20702Giving money and power to governments is like giving whiskey and 20703car keys to teenage boys. 20704 -- P. J. O'Rourke 20705% 20706Giving up on assembly language was the apple in our Garden of Eden: 20707Languages whose use squanders machine cycles are sinful. The LISP 20708machine now permits LISP programmers to abandon bra and fig-leaf. 20709 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 20710% 20711Gleemites, n.: 20712 Petrified deposits of toothpaste found in sinks. 20713 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 20714% 20715Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability: 20716 Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the 20717probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting some 20718useful work done. 20719% 20720Gloffing is a state of mine. 20721% 20722Glogg (a traditional Scandinavian holiday drink): 20723 fifth of dry red wine 20724 fifth of Aquavit 20725 1 and 1/2 inch piece of cinnamon 20726 10 cardamom seeds 20727 1 cup raisins 20728 4 dried figs 20729 1 cup blanched or flaked almonds 20730 a few pieces of dried orange peel 20731 5 cloves 20732 1/2 lb. sugar cubes 20733 Heat up the wine and hard stuff (which may be substituted with wine 20734for the faint of heart) in a big pot after adding all the other stuff EXCEPT 20735the sugar cubes. Just when it reaches boiling, put the sugar in a wire 20736strainer, moisten it in the hot brew, lift it out and ignite it with a match. 20737Dip the sugar several times in the liquid until it is all dissolved. Serve 20738hot in cups with a few raisins and almonds in each cup. 20739 N.B. Aquavit may be hard to find and expensive to boot. Use it only 20740if you really have a deep-seated desire to be fussy, or if you are of Swedish 20741extraction. 20742% 20743Gnagloot, n.: 20744 A person who leaves all his ski passes on his jacket just to 20745impress people. 20746 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 20747% 20748Go ahead, make my day. 20749 -- (Dirty) Harry Callahan 20750% 20751Go away, I'm all right. 20752 -- H. G. Wells' last words 20753% 20754Go away! Stop bothering me with all your 20755"compute this ... compute that"! I'm taking a VAX-NAP. 20756 20757logout 20758% 20759Go climb a gravity well! 20760% 20761Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. 20762% 20763Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no. 20764 -- J. R. R. Tolkien 20765% 20766Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you. 20767 -- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides 20768% 20769Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may 20770be in owning a piece thereof. 20771 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 20772% 20773Go slowly to the entertainments of thy friends, 20774but quickly to their misfortunes. 20775 -- Chilo 20776% 20777Go to a movie tonight. 20778Darkness becomes you. 20779% 20780Go to the Scriptures... the joyful promises it contains will be a balsam to 20781all your troubles. 20782 -- Andrew Jackson 20783 20784The foundations of our society and our government rest so much on the 20785teachings of the Bible that it would be difficult to support them if faith 20786in these teachings would cease to be practically universal in our country. 20787 -- Calvin Coolidge 20788 20789Lastly, our ancestors established their system of government on morality and 20790religious sentiment. Moral habits, they believed, cannot safely be trusted 20791on any other foundation than religious principle, nor any government be 20792secure which is not supported by moral habits. 20793 -- Daniel Webster 20794% 20795Go 'way! You're bothering me! 20796% 20797Goals... Plans... they're fantasies, they're part of a dream world... 20798 -- Wally Shawn 20799% 20800GOD: 20801 Darwin's chief rival. 20802% 20803God created a few perfect heads. 20804The rest he covered with hair. 20805% 20806God created woman. 20807And boredom did indeed cease from that moment -- 20808but many other things ceased as well. 20809Woman was God's second mistake. 20810 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 20811% 20812God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six 20813days and then pulled an all-nighter. 20814% 20815God doesn't play dice. 20816 -- Albert Einstein 20817% 20818God gave man two ears and one tongue so 20819that we listen twice as much as we speak. 20820 -- Arab proverb 20821% 20822God gives burdens; also shoulders. 20823 20824 Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech 20825at the end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish 20826saying; I can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth 20827though; why would he lie about a thing like that? 20828 -- Arthur Naiman 20829% 20830"God gives burdens; also shoulders" 20831 20832Jimmy Carter cited this Jewish saying in his concession speech at the 20833end of the 1980 election. At least he said it was a Jewish saying; I 20834can't find it anywhere. I'm sure he's telling the truth though; why 20835would he lie about a thing like that? 20836 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 20837% 20838God grant us the serenity to accept the things we cannot change, courage to 20839change the things we can, and wisdom to know the difference. 20840% 20841God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little ... 20842The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty ... I do 20843not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman 20844... not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on 20845smoking and drinking beer. But the man who cannot live on bread and 20846water is not fit to live! A family may live on good bread and water in 20847the morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at 20848night! 20849 -- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher 20850% 20851God help the troubadour who tries to be a star. The more 20852that you try to find success, the more that you will fail. 20853 -- Phil Ochs, on the Second System Effect 20854% 20855God help those who do not help themselves. 20856 -- Wilson Mizner 20857% 20858God helps them that helps themselves. 20859 -- Benjamin Franklin 20860% 20861God, I ask for patience -- and I want it right now! 20862% 20863God instructs the heart, not by ideas, 20864but by pains and contradictions. 20865 -- De Caussade 20866% 20867God is a comic playing to an audience that's afraid to laugh. 20868% 20869God is a polytheist. 20870% 20871God is Dead. 20872 -- Nietzsche 20873Nietzsche is Dead. 20874 -- God 20875Nietzsche is God. 20876 -- The Dead 20877% 20878God is dead and I don't feel all too well either.... 20879 -- Ralph Moonen 20880% 20881God is love, but get it in writing. 20882 -- Gypsy Rose Lee 20883% 20884God is not dead. He is alive and well and working on a 20885much less ambitious project. 20886% 20887God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's! 20888% 20889God is real, unless declared integer. 20890% 20891God is really only another artist. He invented the giraffe, the 20892elephant and the cat. He has no real style, He just goes on trying 20893other things. 20894 -- Pablo Picasso 20895% 20896God is the tangential point between zero and infinity. 20897 -- Alfred Jarry 20898% 20899God isn't dead. He just doesn't want to get involved. 20900% 20901God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. 20902% 20903God made everything out of nothing, but the nothingness shows through. 20904 -- Paul Valery 20905% 20906God made machine language; all the rest is the work of man. 20907% 20908God made the Idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board. 20909 -- Mark Twain 20910% 20911God made the integers; all else is the work of Man. 20912 -- Kronecker 20913% 20914God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. 20915% 20916God may be subtle, but He isn't plain mean. 20917 -- Albert Einstein 20918% 20919God must have loved calories, she made so many of them. 20920% 20921God must love the Common Man; He made so many of them. 20922% 20923God rest ye CS students now, The bearings on the drum are gone, 20924Let nothing you dismay. The disk is wobbling, too. 20925The VAX is down and won't be up, We've found a bug in Lisp, and Algol 20926Until the first of May. Can't tell false from true. 20927The program that was due this morn, And now we find that we can't get 20928Won't be postponed, they say. At Berkeley's 4.2. 20929(chorus) (chorus) 20930 20931We've just received a call from DEC, And now some cheery news for you, 20932They'll send without delay The network's also dead, 20933A monitor called RSuX We'll have to print your files on 20934It takes nine hundred K. The line printer instead. 20935The staff committed suicide, The turnaround time's nineteen weeks. 20936We'll bury them today. And only cards are read. 20937(chorus) (chorus) 20938 20939And now we'd like to say to you CHORUS: Oh, tidings of comfort and joy, 20940Before we go away, Comfort and joy, 20941We hope the news we've brought to you Oh, tidings of comfort and joy. 20942Won't ruin your whole day. 20943You've got another program due, tomorrow, by the way. 20944(chorus) 20945 -- to God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen 20946% 20947God runs electromagnetics by wave theory on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, 20948and the Devil runs them by quantum theory on Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. 20949 -- William Bragg 20950% 20951God said it, I believe it and that's all there is to it. 20952% 20953God save us from a bad neighbor and a beginner on the fiddle. 20954% 20955God shows his contempt for wealth by the kind of person he selects 20956to receive it. 20957 -- Austin O'Malley 20958% 20959God votes Republican. 20960% 20961God was satisfied with his own work, and that is fatal. 20962 -- Samuel Butler 20963% 20964Goda's Truism: 20965 By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet, 20966 somebody moves the ends. 20967% 20968Going the speed of light is bad for your age. 20969% 20970Going to church does not make a person religious, nor does going to 20971school make a person educated, any more than going to a garage makes a 20972person a car. 20973% 20974Gold, n.: 20975 A soft malleable metal relatively scarce in distribution. It 20976is mined deep in the earth by poor men who then give it to rich men who 20977immediately bury it back in the earth in great prisons, although gold 20978hasn't done anything to them. 20979 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 20980% 20981Goldenstern's Rules: 20982 (1) Always hire a rich attorney. 20983 (2) Never buy from a rich salesman. 20984% 20985Goldfish... what stupid animals. Even Wayne Cody stops 20986eating before he bursts. 20987% 20988Gold's Law: 20989 If the shoe fits, it's ugly. 20990% 20991Gomme's Laws: 20992 (1) A backscratcher will always find new itches. 20993 (2) Time accelerates. 20994 (3) The weather at home improves as soon as you go away. 20995% 20996Gone With The Wind LITE(tm) 20997 -- by Margaret Mitchell 20998 20999 A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed. 21000 21001Gift of the Magii LITE(tm) 21002 -- by O. Henry 21003 21004 A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences. 21005 21006The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm) 21007 -- by Ernest Hemingway 21008 21009 An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck. 21010 21011Diary of a Young Girl LITE(tm) 21012 -- by Anne Frank 21013 21014 A young girl hides in an attic but is discovered. 21015% 21016Good advice is one of those insults that ought to be forgiven. 21017% 21018Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad 21019example. 21020 -- La Rochefoucauld 21021% 21022Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall. 21023% 21024Good day for business affairs. 21025Make a pass at that the new file clerk. 21026% 21027Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase. 21028% 21029Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school. 21030% 21031Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to work. 21032% 21033Good day to deal with people in high places; 21034particularly lonely stewardesses. 21035% 21036Good day to let down old friends who need help. 21037% 21038Good evening, gentlemen. I am a HAL 9000 computer. I became operational 21039at the HAL plant in Urbana, Illinois, on January 11th, nineteen hundred 21040ninety-five. My supervisor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a 21041song. If you would like, I could sing it for you. 21042% 21043Good, fast, and cheap. Choose any two. 21044% 21045Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere. 21046% 21047Good government never depends upon laws, but upon the personal qualities of 21048those who govern. The machinery of government is always subordinate to the 21049will of those who administer that machinery. The most important element of 21050government, therefore, is the method of choosing leaders. 21051 -- Frank Herbert, "Children of Dune" 21052% 21053"Good health" is merely the slowest rate at which one can die. 21054% 21055Good judgement comes from experience. 21056Experience comes from bad judgement. 21057 -- Jim Horning 21058% 21059Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed. 21060% 21061Good morning. This is the telephone company. Due to repairs, we're 21062giving you advance notice that your service will be cut off indefinitely 21063at ten o'clock. That's two minutes from now. 21064% 21065Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day. 21066% 21067Good news from afar can bring you a welcome visitor. 21068% 21069Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance. 21070% 21071Good night, Austin, Texas, wherever you are! 21072% 21073Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are. 21074% 21075Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's 21076new lover. 21077% 21078Good salesmen and good repairmen will never go hungry. 21079 -- R. E. Schenk 21080% 21081Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths good theatre. 21082 -- Gail Godwin 21083% 21084"Good-bye. I am leaving because I am bored." 21085 -- George Saunders' dying words 21086% 21087Goodbye, cool world. 21088% 21089Gordon's first law: 21090 If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing 21091well. 21092% 21093Gordon's Law: 21094 If you think you have the solution, the question was poorly phrased. 21095% 21096Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with 21097time travel, you never can tell. 21098 -- Doctor Who, "Androids of Tara" 21099% 21100gossip, n: 21101 Hearing something you like about someone you don't. 21102 -- Earl Wilson 21103% 21104//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH 21105% 21106Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service? 21107Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number": 21108 21109 1-800-AUDITME 21110% 21111Got a dictionary? I want to know the meaning of life. 21112% 21113Got a wife and kids in Baltimore Jack, 21114I went out for a ride and never came back. 21115Like a river that don't know where it's flowing, 21116I took a wrong turn and I just kept going. 21117 21118 Everybody's got a hungry heart. 21119 Everybody's got a hungry heart. 21120 Lay down your money and you play your part, 21121 Everybody's got a hungry heart. 21122 21123I met her in a Kingstown bar, 21124We fell in love, I knew it had to end. 21125We took what we had and we ripped it apart, 21126Now here I am down in Kingstown again. 21127 21128Everybody needs a place to rest, 21129Everybody wants to have a home. 21130Don't make no difference what nobody says, 21131Ain't nobody likes to be alone. 21132 -- Bruce Springsteen, "Hungry Heart" 21133% 21134Got Mole problems? 21135Call Avogadro at 6.02 x 10^23. 21136% 21137Goto, n.: 21138 A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers 21139to complain about unstructured programmers. 21140 -- Ray Simard 21141% 21142Gourmet, n: 21143 Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or 21144 revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're 21145 leaving the best part. 21146% 21147Govern a great nation as you would cook a small fish. Don't overdo it. 21148 -- Lao Tsu 21149% 21150Government [is] an illusion the governed should not encourage. 21151 -- John Updike, "Couples" 21152% 21153Government lies, and newspapers lie, but in a democracy they are 21154different lies. 21155% 21156Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know any 21157more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he doesn't 21158know much. 21159 -- The Best of Will Rogers 21160% 21161Government spending? I don't know what it's all about. I don't know 21162any more about this thing than an economist does, and, God knows, he 21163doesn't know much. 21164 -- Will Rogers 21165% 21166Government's Law: 21167 There is an exception to all laws. 21168% 21169Governor Tarkin. I should have expected to find you holding Vader's 21170leash. I thought I recognized your foul stench when I was brought on 21171board. 21172 -- Princess Leia Organa 21173% 21174Grabel's Law: 21175 2 is not equal to 3 -- not even for large values of 2. 21176% 21177Graduate life -- it's not just a job, it's an indenture. 21178% 21179Graduate students and most professors are 21180no smarter than undergrads. They're just older. 21181% 21182Grand Master Turing once dreamed that he was a machine. When he awoke 21183he exclaimed: 21184 "I don't know whether I am Turing dreaming that I am a machine, 21185 or a machine dreaming that I am Turing!" 21186 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 21187% 21188Grandpa Charnock's Law: 21189 You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. 21190 21191 [I thought it was when your kids learned to drive. Ed.] 21192% 21193Graphics blind the eyes. 21194Audio files deafen the ear. 21195Mouse clicks numb the fingers. 21196Heuristics weaken the mind. 21197Options wither the heart. 21198 21199The Guru observes the net 21200but trusts his inner vision. 21201He allows things to come and go. 21202His heart is as open as the ether. 21203% 21204GRASSHOPPOTAMUS: 21205 A creature that can leap to tremendous heights... once. 21206% 21207Gratitude, like love, is never a dependable international emotion. 21208 -- Joseph Alsop 21209% 21210GRAVITY: 21211 What you get when you eat too much and too fast. 21212% 21213Gravity brings me down. 21214% 21215Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. 21216% 21217Gray's Law of Programming: 21218 `_n+1' trivial tasks are expected to be accomplished in the same 21219time as `_n' tasks. 21220 21221Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law: 21222 `_n+1' trivial tasks take twice as long as `_n' trivial tasks. 21223% 21224Great acts are made up of small deeds. 21225 -- Lao Tsu 21226% 21227Great American Axiom: 21228 Some is good, more is better, too much is just right. 21229% 21230Great minds run in great circles. 21231% 21232GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#17): 21233 21234On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his 21235place of residence. 21236% 21237GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): April 2, 1751 21238 21239Isaac Newton becomes discouraged when he falls up a flight of stairs. 21240% 21241GREAT MOMENTS IN HISTORY (#7): November 23, 1915 21242 21243Pancake make-up is invented; most people continue to prefer syrup. 21244% 21245Great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds. 21246 -- Albert Einstein 21247 21248They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers. But they 21249also laughed at Bozo the Clown. 21250 -- Carl Sagan 21251% 21252Greatness is a transitory experience. It is never consistent. 21253% 21254Green light in A.M. for new projects. 21255Red light in P.M. for traffic tickets. 21256% 21257Greener's Law: 21258 Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. 21259% 21260Green's Law of Debate: 21261Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about. 21262% 21263Grelb's Reminder: 21264 Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above 21265average drivers. 21266% 21267grep me no patterns and I'll tell you no lines. 21268% 21269Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full 21270value of a joy you must have somebody to divide it with. 21271 -- Mark Twain 21272% 21273Griffin's Thought: 21274 When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last. 21275% 21276Grig (the navigator): 21277 ... so you see, it's just the two of us against the entire space 21278 armada. 21279Alex (the gunner): 21280 What?!? 21281Grig: I've always wanted to fight a desperate battle against 21282 overwhelming odds. 21283Alex: It'll be a slaughter! 21284Grig: That's the spirit! 21285 -- The Last Starfighter 21286% 21287Grinnell's Law of Labor Laxity: 21288 At all times, for any task, you have not got enough done today. 21289% 21290Groundhog Day has been observed only once in Los Angeles because when the 21291groundhog came out of its hole, it was killed by a mudslide. 21292 -- Johnny Carson 21293% 21294Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate, got on 21295better with the House of Representatives. A popular story circulating 21296during his presidency concerned the night he was roused by his wife crying, 21297"Wake up! I think there are burglars in the house." 21298 "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate 21299maybe, but not in the House." 21300% 21301Growing old isn't bad when you consider the alternatives. 21302 -- Maurice Chevalier 21303% 21304Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good 21305reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one. Its traditional 21306concerns are all pubescent. Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere, 21307disguised. Aliens have tentacles. Telepathy allows you to have sex without 21308any nasty inconvenience of touching. Womblike spaceships provide balanced 21309meals. No one ever has to grow old -- body parts are replaceable, like 21310Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot. As for the 21311adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively 21312authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public 21313television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests. The most popular 21314sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by 21315combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the 21316universe while straddling a giant worm. 21317 -- Arnold Klein 21318% 21319Grub first, then ethics. 21320 -- Bertolt Brecht 21321% 21322GUILLOTINE: 21323 A French chopping center. 21324% 21325Gumperson's Law: 21326 The probability of a given event 21327 occurring is inversely proportional to its desirability. 21328% 21329Guns don't kill people. Bullets kill people. 21330% 21331Gunter's Airborne Discoveries: 21332 (1) When you are served a meal aboard an aircraft, 21333 the aircraft will encounter turbulence. 21334 (2) The strength of the turbulence 21335 is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee. 21336% 21337Gurmlish, n.: 21338 The red warning flag at the top of a club sandwich which prevents 21339 the person from biting into it and puncturing the roof of his mouth. 21340 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 21341% 21342GURU: 21343 A person in T-shirt and sandals who took an elevator ride with 21344 a senior vice-president and is ultimately responsible for the 21345 phone call you are about to receive from your boss. 21346% 21347guru, n: 21348 A computer owner who can read the manual. 21349% 21350Gyroscope, n.: 21351 A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also 21352free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to each 21353other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the two 21354mutually perpendicular axes results from application of torque to the 21355other when the wheel is spinning and so that the entire apparatus 21356offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any 21357torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin. 21358 -- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary 21359% 21360H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you, 21361 Slice him up before he slays you. 21362 Nothing makes you look a slob 21363 Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB). 21364 -- The Roguelet's ABC 21365% 21366H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L. 21367Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude. 21368 -- Maxwell Bodenheim 21369% 21370H. L. Mencken's Law: 21371 Those who can -- do. 21372 Those who can't -- teach. 21373 21374Martin's Extension: 21375 Those who cannot teach -- administrate. 21376 21377 [No, those who can't teach, teach here. Ed.] 21378% 21379hacker, n: 21380 Originally, any person with a knack for coercing stubborn inanimate 21381things; hence, a person with a happy knack, later contracted by the mythical 21382philosopher Frisbee Frobenius to the common usage, "hack". 21383 In olden times, upon completion of some particularly atrocious body 21384of coding that happened to work well, culpable programmers would gather in 21385a small circle around a first edition of Knuth's Best Volume I by candlelight, 21386and proceed to get very drunk while sporadically rending the following ditty: 21387 21388 Hacker's Fight Song 21389 21390 He's a Hack! He's a Hack! 21391 He's a guy with the happy knack! 21392 Never bungles, never shirks, 21393 Always gets his stuff to work! 21394 21395All take a drink (important!) 21396% 21397Hackers are just a migratory lifeform with a tropism for computers. 21398% 21399Hacker's Guide To Cooking: 214002 pkg. cream cheese (the mushy white stuff in silver wrappings that doesn't 21401 really come from Philadelphia after all; anyway, about 16 oz.) 214021 tsp. vanilla extract (which is more alcohol than vanilla and pretty 21403 strong so this part you *GOTTA* measure) 214041/4 cup sugar (but honey works fine too) 214058 oz. Cool Whip (the fluffy stuff devoid of nutritional value that you 21406 can squirt all over your friends and lick off...) 21407"Blend all together until creamy with no lumps." This is where you get to 21408 join(1) all the raw data in a big buffer and then filter it through 21409 merge(1m) with the -thick option, I mean, it starts out ultra lumpy 21410 and icky looking and you have to work hard to mix it. Try an electric 21411 beater if you have a cat(1) that can climb wall(1s) to lick it off 21412 the ceiling(3m). 21413"Pour into a graham cracker crust..." Aha, the BUGS section at last. You 21414 just happened to have a GCC sitting around under /etc/food, right? 21415 If not, don't panic(8), merely crumble a rand(3m) handful of innocent 21416 GCs into a suitable tempfile and mix in some melted butter. 21417"...and refrigerate for an hour." Leave the recipe's stdout in a fridge 21418 for 3.6E6 milliseconds while you work on cleaning up stderr, and 21419 by time out your cheesecake will be ready for stdin. 21420% 21421Hacker's Law: 21422 The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a 21423nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions. 21424% 21425Hackers of the world, unite! 21426% 21427Hacker's Quicky #313: 21428 Sour Cream -n- Onion Potato Chips 21429 Microwave Egg Roll 21430 Chocolate Milk 21431% 21432Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge. 21433% 21434Had he and I but met 21435By some old ancient inn, But ranged as infantry, 21436We should have sat us down to wet And staring face to face, 21437Right many a nipperkin! I shot at him as he at me, 21438 And killed him in his place. 21439I shot him dead because -- 21440Because he was my foe, He thought he'd 'list, perhaps, 21441Just so: my foe of course he was; Off-hand-like -- just as I -- 21442That's clear enough; although Was out of work -- had sold his traps 21443 No other reason why. 21444Yes; quaint and curious war is! 21445You shoot a fellow down 21446You'd treat, if met where any bar is 21447Or help to half-a-crown. 21448 -- Thomas Hardy 21449% 21450Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some 21451useful hints for the better ordering of the universe. 21452 -- Alfonso the Wise 21453 21454 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 21455 referring to operating system initialization.] 21456% 21457Hail to the sun god 21458He sure is a fun god 21459Ra! Ra! Ra! 21460% 21461Hail to the sun god 21462He's such a fun god 21463Ra! Ra! Ra! 21464% 21465Hailing frequencies open, Captain. 21466% 21467Hain't we got all the fools in town on our side? And hain't that a big 21468enough majority in any town? 21469 -- Mark Twain, "Huckleberry Finn" 21470% 21471Hale Mail Rule, The: 21472 When you are ready to reply to a letter, you will lack at least 21473 one of the following: 21474 (a) A pen or pencil or typewriter. 21475 (b) Stationery. 21476 (c) Postage stamp. 21477 (d) The letter you are answering. 21478% 21479Half a bee, philosophically, must ipso facto half not be. 21480But half the bee has got to be, vis-a-vis its entity. See? 21481But can a bee be said to be or not to be an entire bee, 21482When half the bee is not a bee, due to some ancient injury? 21483% 21484Half Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at all.) 21485% 21486Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at. 21487% 21488Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can't, 21489and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it. 21490% 21491Half-done, n.: 21492 This is the best way to eat a kosher dill -- when it's still 21493crunchy, light green, yet full of garlic flavor. The difference 21494between this and the typical soggy dark green cucumber corpse is like 21495the difference between life and death. 21496 You may find it difficult to find a good half-done kosher dill 21497there in Seattle, so what you should do is take a cab out to the 21498airport, fly to New York, take the JFK Express to Jay Street-Borough 21499Hall, transfer to an uptown F, get off at East Broadway, walk north on 21500Essex (along the park), make your first left onto Hester Street, walk 21501about fifteen steps, turn ninety degrees left, and stop. Say to the 21502man, "Let me have a nice half-done." 21503 Worth the trouble, wasn't it? 21504 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 21505% 21506Halley's Comet: It came, we saw, we drank. 21507% 21508Hall's Laws of Politics: 21509 (1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending. 21510 (2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want something 21511 fixed. 21512 (3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend 21513 military spending, and conservatives social spending in 21514 their own districts). 21515% 21516Hand, n.: 21517 A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and 21518commonly thrust into somebody's pocket. 21519 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 21520% 21521Handel's Proverb: 21522 You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women! 21523% 21524handshaking protocol, n: 21525 A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initiate a 21526 terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by 21527 occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling. 21528% 21529Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way. 21530 -- Pink Floyd 21531% 21532hangover, n: 21533 The wrath of grapes. 21534% 21535Hanlon's Razor: 21536 Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by 21537stupidity. 21538% 21539Hanson's Treatment of Time: 21540 There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days 21541before Saturday. 21542% 21543Happiness adds and multiplies as we divide it with others. 21544% 21545happiness, adv: 21546 An agreeable sensation arising 21547 from contemplating the misery of another. 21548% 21549happiness, adv: 21550 Finding the owner of a lost bikini. 21551% 21552Happiness is a hard disk. 21553% 21554Happiness is a positive cash flow. 21555% 21556Happiness is good health and a bad memory. 21557 -- Ingrid Bergman 21558% 21559Happiness is having a scratch for every itch. 21560 -- Ogden Nash 21561% 21562Happiness is just an illusion, filled with sadness and confusion. 21563% 21564Happiness is the greatest good. 21565% 21566Happiness is twin floppies. 21567% 21568Happiness isn't having what you want, it's wanting what you have. 21569% 21570Happiness isn't something you experience; it's something you remember. 21571 -- Oscar Levant 21572% 21573Happiness makes up in height what it lacks in length. 21574% 21575Happiness, n.: 21576 An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of 21577another. 21578 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 21579% 21580Happy feast of the pig! 21581% 21582Happy is the child whose father died rich. 21583% 21584hard, adj: 21585 The quality of your own data; also how it is to believe those 21586 of other people. 21587% 21588Hard reality has a way of cramping your style. 21589 -- Daniel Dennett 21590% 21591Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances? 21592% 21593Hard work may not kill you, but why take the chance? 21594% 21595Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance? 21596 -- Charlie McCarthy 21597% 21598Hardware met Software on the road to Changtse. Software said: "You are Yin 21599and I am Yang. If we travel together we will become famous and earn vast 21600sums of money." And so the set forth together, thinking to conquer the world. 21601 Presently they met Firmware, who was dressed in tattered rage and 21602hobbled along propped on a thorny stick. Firmware said to them: "The Tao 21603lies beyond Yin and Yang. It is silent and still as a pool of water. It does 21604not seek fame, therefore nobody knows its presence. It does not seek fortune, 21605for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time." 21606 Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes. 21607% 21608Hardware, n.: 21609 The parts of a computer system that can be kicked. 21610% 21611Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark 21612The Duke is fond of kittens 21613He likes to take their insides out 21614And use them for his mittens 21615 -- "The 13 Clocks" 21616% 21617Hark, the Herald Tribune sings, 21618Advertising wondrous things. 21619 21620Angels we have heard on High 21621Tell us to go out and Buy. 21622 -- Tom Lehrer 21623% 21624Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand 21625convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want. 21626 -- Tobias Smollet 21627% 21628Harp not on that string. 21629 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 21630% 21631Harriet's Dining Observation: 21632 In every restaurant, the hardness of the butter pats 21633 increases in direct proportion to the softness of the bread. 21634% 21635Harris had the beefstead pie between his knees, and was carving it, and George 21636and I were waiting with our plates ready. 21637 "Have you got a spoon there?" says Harris; "I want a spoon to help 21638the gravy with." 21639 The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to 21640reach one out. We were not five seconds getting it. When we looked round 21641again, Harris and the pie were gone! 21642 It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for 21643hundreds of yards. He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were 21644on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it. 21645 George and I gazed all about. Then we gazed at each other. 21646 "Has he been snatched up to heaven?" I queried. 21647 "They'd hardly have taken the pie, too," said George. 21648 There seemed weight in this objection, and we discarded the heavenly 21649theory. 21650 "I suppose the truth of the matter is," suggested George, descending 21651to the commonplace and practicable, "that there has been an earthquake." 21652 And then he added, with a touch of sadness in his voice: "I wish he 21653hadn't been carving that pie." 21654 -- Jerome K. Jerome, "Three Men In A Boat" 21655% 21656Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab: 21657 Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment 21658ruined. 21659% 21660Harrison's Postulate: 21661For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism. 21662% 21663Harris's Lament: 21664 All the good ones are taken. 21665% 21666Harry and Fred were playing their Sunday afternoon golf game. The game, as 21667always, was close. They were at the treacherous 12th hole: a par three that 21668required a perfect first shot over a large pond and onto a tiny green. There 21669were sand traps on the other three sides of the green, and a small road 50 21670feet beyond it. Harry went first. He carefully addressed the ball and hit 21671a good shot that landed just on the edge of the green, narrowly avoiding the 21672pond. Just as Fred addressed his ball, he looked up and noticed a funeral 21673procession along the road just behind the green. Fred put down his club, 21674took his hat off, and waited for the entire procession to pass. As soon as 21675the cars were gone he put his hat back on and started addressing the ball 21676again. Harry said, "Damn, Fred. That was a really nice thing you did, 21677waiting for the funeral to pass like that." 21678 Fred finished his swing, making perfect contact with the ball. It 21679was an excellent shot that landed 7 feet from the hole. "It's the least I 21680could do," he said, smiling at his shot, "We were married for 22 years, 21681you know." 21682% 21683Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he makes us 21684all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean famous for 21685its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses probably stirs 21686romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you have never met any 21687wild horses in person. In person, they are like enormous hooved rats. They 21688amble up to your camp site, and their attitude is: "We're wild horses. 21689We're going to eat your food, knock down your tent and poop on your shoes. 21690We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon." 21691 -- Dave Barry 21692% 21693Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he 21694makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean 21695famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses 21696probably stirs romantic notions in many of you, but this is because you 21697have never met any wild horses in person. In person, they are like 21698enormous hooved rats. They amble up to your camp site, and their 21699attitude is: "We're wild horses. We're going to eat your food, knock 21700down your tent and poop on your shoes. We're protected by federal law, 21701just like Richard Nixon." 21702 -- Dave Barry, "Tenting Grandpa Bob" 21703% 21704Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it with 21705milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the 21706sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do 21707with all that pep and vitality. 21708% 21709Hartley's First Law: 21710 You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float 21711on his back, you've got something. 21712% 21713Hartley's Second Law: 21714 Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself. 21715 21716My corollary: 21717 The completely psychotic have all the fun. 21718% 21719Harvard Law: 21720 Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, 21721temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the organism will 21722do as it damn well pleases. 21723% 21724HARVARD: 21725Quarterback: 21726 Sophomore Dave Strewzinski... likes to pass. And pass he does, with 21727a record 86 attempts (three completions) in 87 plays.... Though Strewzinski 21728has so far failed to score any points for the Crimson, his jackrabbit speed 21729has made him the least sacked quarterback in the Ivy league. 21730Wide Receiver: 21731 The other directional signal in Harvard's offensive machine is senior 21732Phil Yip, who is very fast. Yip is so fast that he has set a record for being 21733fast. Expect to see Yip elude all pursuers and make it into the endzone five 21734or six times, his average for a game. Yip, nicknamed "fumblefingers" and "you 21735asshole" by his teammates, hopes to carry the ball with him at least one of 21736those times. 21737YALE: 21738Defense: 21739 On the defensive side, Yale boasts the stingiest line in the Ivies. 21740Primarily responsible are seniors Izzy "Shylock" Bloomberg and Myron 21741Finklestein, the tightest ends in recent Eli history. Also contributing to 21742the powerful defense is junior tackle Angus MacWhirter, a Scotsman who rounds 21743out the offensive ethnic joke. Look for these three to shut down the opening 21744coin toss. 21745 -- Harvard Lampoon 1988 Program Parody, distributed at The Game 21746% 21747Has anyone ever tasted an "end"? Are they really bitter? 21748% 21749"Has anyone had problems with the computer accounts?" 21750"Yes, I don't have one." 21751"Okay, you can send mail to one of the tutors ..." 21752 -- E. D'Azevedo, Computer Science 372 21753% 21754Has everyone noticed that all the letters of the word "database" are 21755typed with the left hand? Now the layout of the QWERTYUIOP typewriter 21756keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use 21757of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is 21758not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears. 21759% 21760Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it 21761appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down, 21762and its salient virtuosi a gang of unmitigated scoundrels? Then let us 21763not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickle the midriff, its 21764incomparable services as a maker of entertainment. 21765 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe" 21766% 21767Haste makes waste. 21768 -- John Heywood 21769% 21770Hatcheck girl: 21771 "Goodness! What lovely diamonds!" 21772Mae West: 21773 "Goodness had nothin' to do with it, dearie." 21774 -- "Night After Night", 1932 21775% 21776Hate is like acid. It can damage the vessel in which it is 21777stored as well as destroy the object on which it is poured. 21778% 21779Hate the sin and love the sinner. 21780 -- Mahatma Gandhi 21781% 21782Hating the Yankees is as American as pizza pie, 21783unwed mothers and cheating on your income tax. 21784 -- Mike Royko 21785% 21786Hatred, n.: 21787 A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's 21788superiority. 21789 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 21790% 21791Have a coke and a smile! 21792 -- John DeLorean 21793% 21794Have a nice day! 21795% 21796Have a nice diurnal anomaly. 21797% 21798Have a place for everything and keep the thing 21799somewhere else; this is not advice, it is merely custom. 21800 -- Mark Twain 21801% 21802Have a taco. 21803 -- P. S. Beagle 21804% 21805Have an adequate day. 21806% 21807Have at you! 21808% 21809Have no friends not equal to yourself. 21810 -- Confucius 21811% 21812Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is 21813to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a 21814non-cynical, or even an informative cookie? 21815 21816Perhaps inadvertently, we have a channel for our aggressions. This 21817still begs the question of whether the cookie releases the pressure or 21818only serves to blunt the warning signs. 21819 21820 Long live the revolution! 21821 Have a nice day. 21822% 21823Have the courage to take your own thoughts 21824seriously, for they will shape you. 21825 -- Albert Einstein 21826% 21827Have you ever felt like a wounded cow 21828halfway between an oven and a pasture? 21829walking in a trance toward a pregnant 21830 seventeen-year-old housewife's 21831 two-day-old cookbook? 21832 -- Richard Brautigan 21833% 21834Have you ever met a man of good character where women are concerned? 21835 21836Well, I haven't. I find that whenever a woman becomes friends with me, 21837she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a damn nuisance; and 21838whenever I become friends with a woman, I become selfish and tyrannical. 21839So here I am, Pickering, a confirmed old bachelor and very likely to 21840remain so. 21841 -- Henry Higgins, "My Fair Lady" 21842% 21843Have you ever noticed that the people who are always trying to tell 21844you, "There's a time for work and a time for play," never find the time 21845for play? 21846% 21847Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm? Besides drugs, 21848I mean. The answer is hot tubs. A hot tub is a redwood container 21849filled with water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite 21850sex, none of whom is necessarily your spouse. After a few hours in 21851their hot tubs, Californians don't give a damn about earthquakes or 21852mass murderers. They don't give a damn about anything, which is why 21853they are able to produce "Laverne and Shirley" week after week. 21854 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 21855% 21856Have you flogged your kid today? 21857% 21858"Have you lived here all your life?" 21859"Oh, twice that long." 21860% 21861Have you locked your file cabinet? 21862% 21863Have you noticed that all you need to grow healthy, vigorous grass is a 21864crack in your sidewalk? 21865% 21866Have you noticed the way people's intelligence capabilities decline 21867sharply the minute they start waving guns around? 21868 -- Doctor Who 21869% 21870Have you reconsidered a computer career? 21871% 21872Have you seen the latest Japanese camera? Apparently it is so fast it can 21873photograph an American with his mouth shut! 21874% 21875Have you seen the old man in the closed down market, 21876Kicking up the papers in his worn out shoes? 21877In his eyes you see no pride, hands hang loosely at his side 21878Yesterdays papers, telling yesterdays news. 21879 21880How can you tell me you're lonely, 21881And say for you the sun don't shine? 21882Let me take you by the hand 21883Lead you through the streets of London 21884I'll show you something to make you change your mind... 21885 21886Have you seen the old man outside the sea-mans mission 21887Memories fading like the metal ribbons that he wears. 21888In our winter city the rain cries a little pity 21889For one more forgotten hero and a world that doesn't care... 21890% 21891Have you seen the well-to-do, up and down Park Avenue? 21892On that famous thoroughfare, with their noses in the air, 21893High hats and Arrow collars, white spats and lots of dollars, 21894Spending every dime, for a wonderful time... 21895If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, 21896Why don't you go where fashion sits, 21897... 21898Dressed up like a million dollar trooper, 21899Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper) 21900Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks, 21901Or umbrellas, in their mitts, 21902Puttin' on the Ritz. 21903... 21904If you're blue and you don't know where to go to, 21905Why don't you go where fashion sits, 21906Puttin' on the Ritz. 21907Puttin' on the Ritz. 21908Puttin' on the Ritz. 21909Puttin' on the Ritz. 21910% 21911Having a baby isn't so bad. If you're a female Emperor penguin 21912in the Antarctic. She lays the egg, rolls it over to the father, 21913then takes off for warmer weather where she eats and eats and 21914eats. For two months, the father stands stiff, without food, 21915blind in the 24-hour dark, balancing the egg on his feet. After 21916the little penguin is hatched, the mother sees fit to come home. 21917 -- L. M. Boyd, "Austin American-Statesman" 21918% 21919Having a wonderful wine, wish you were beer. 21920% 21921Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain. 21922 -- Martin Mull 21923% 21924Having no talent is no longer enough. 21925 -- Gore Vidal 21926% 21927Having nothing, nothing can he lose. 21928 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 21929% 21930Having the fewest wants, I am nearest to the gods. 21931 -- Socrates 21932% 21933Having wandered helplessly into a blinding snowstorm Sam was greatly 21934relieved to see a sturdy Saint Bernard dog bounding toward him with 21935the traditional keg of brandy strapped to his collar. 21936 "At last," cried Sam, "man's best friend -- and a great big 21937dog, too!" 21938% 21939"Hawk, we're going to die." 21940"Never say die... and certainly never say we." 21941 -- M*A*S*H 21942% 21943Hawkeye's Conclusion: 21944 It's not easy to play the clown 21945 when you've got to run the whole circus. 21946% 21947He: Do you like Kipling? 21948She: Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know! I've never kippled! 21949% 21950He: "If I made love to you, would you yell?" 21951She: "What do you want me to yell?" 21952 -- Benny Hill 21953% 21954HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. 21955SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains. 21956 -- Walt Kelley 21957% 21958HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science. 21959SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their ___OWN brains. 21960 -- Walt Kelly 21961% 21962He asked me if I knew what time it was -- I said yes, but not right now. 21963 -- Steven Wright 21964% 21965"He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental 21966effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable 21967perversion." 21968 -- Mick Farren, "When Gravity Fails" 21969% 21970He didn't run for reelection. "Politics brings you into contact with all 21971the people you'd give anything to avoid," he said. "I'm staying home." 21972 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" 21973% 21974He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural. 21975 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night" 21976% 21977He draweth out the thread of his verbosity 21978finer than the staple of his argument. 21979 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 21980% 21981He flung himself on his horse and rode madly off in all directions. 21982 -- Stephen Leacock 21983% 21984He gave her a look that you could have poured on a waffle. 21985% 21986He had occasional flashes of silence that made his conversation 21987perfectly delightful. 21988 -- Sydney Smith 21989% 21990He had that rare weird electricity about him -- that extremely wild and 21991heavy presence that you only see in a person who has abandoned all hope 21992of ever behaving "normally." 21993 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing '72" 21994% 21995He hadn't a single redeeming vice. 21996 -- Oscar Wilde 21997% 21998He has been known by many names; the Prince of Lies, the Director, Lucifer, 21999Belial, and once, at a party, some obnoxious drunk kept calling him "Dude". 22000 -- Stig's Inferno 22001% 22002He has not acquired a fortune; the fortune has acquired him. 22003 -- Bion 22004% 22005He hath eaten me out of house and home. 22006 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 22007% 22008He heard the snick of a rifle bolt and found himself peering down the muzzle 22009of a weapon held by a drunken liquor store owner -- "There's a conflict," he 22010said, "there's a conflict between land and people... the people have to go..." 22011 -- Stan Ridgeway, "Call of the West" 22012% 22013He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey. 22014 -- John LeCarre 22015% 22016He is considered a most graceful speaker 22017who can say nothing in the most words. 22018% 22019He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides. 22020% 22021He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others. 22022 -- Samuel Johnson 22023% 22024He is now rising from affluence to poverty. 22025 -- Mark Twain 22026% 22027He is the best of men who dislikes power. 22028 -- Mohammed 22029% 22030He is truly wise who gains wisdom from another's mishap. 22031% 22032He jests at scars who never felt a wound. 22033 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet, II. 2" 22034% 22035He keeps differentiating, flying off on a tangent. 22036% 22037He knew the tavernes well in every toun. 22038 -- Geoffrey Chaucer 22039% 22040He knows not how to know who knows not also how to unknow. 22041 -- Sir Richard Burton 22042% 22043He laughs at every joke three times... once when it's told, 22044once when it's explained, and once when he understands it. 22045% 22046He looked at me as if I were a side dish he hadn't ordered. 22047 -- Ring Lardner 22048% 22049He missed an invaluable opportunity to hold his tongue. 22050 -- Andrew Lang 22051% 22052He only knew his iron spine held up the sky -- he didn't realize his brain 22053had fallen to the ground. 22054 -- The Book of Serenity 22055% 22056(He opens a tolm and begins.) 22057 22058 It says: "In the beginning was the Word." 22059 Already I am stopped. It seems absurd. 22060 The Word does not deserve the highest prize, 22061 I must translate it otherwise. 22062 If I am well inspired and not blind. 22063 It says: "In the beginning was the Mind." 22064 Ponder that first line, wait and see, 22065 Lest you should write too hastily. 22066 Is the Mind the all-creating source? 22067 It ought to say: "In the beginning there was Force." 22068 Yet something warns me as I grasp the pen, 22069 That my translation must be changed again. 22070 The spirit helps me. Now it is exact. 22071 I write: "In the beginning was the Act." 22072 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe, "Faust" 22073% 22074[He] played the King as if afraid someone else might play the ace. 22075 -- Unattributed review of a performance of King Lear 22076 22077My tears stuck in their little ducts, refusing to be jerked. 22078 -- Peter Stack, movie review 22079 22080His performance is so wooden you want to spray him with Liquid Pledge. 22081 -- John Stark, movie review 22082% 22083He played the king as if afraid someone else would play the ace. 22084 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic 22085% 22086He tells you when you've got on too much lipstick, 22087And helps you with your girdle when your hips stick. 22088 -- Ogden Nash, on the perfect husband 22089% 22090He that breaks a thing to find out what it is has left the path of wisdom. 22091 -- J. R. R. Tolkien 22092% 22093He that bringeth a present, findeth the door open. 22094 -- Scottish proverb 22095% 22096He that composes himself is wiser than he that composes a book. 22097 -- Benjamin Franklin 22098% 22099He that is giddy thinks the world turns round. 22100 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" 22101% 22102He that teaches himself has a fool for a master. 22103 -- Benjamin Franklin 22104% 22105He that would govern others, first should be the master of himself. 22106% 22107He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold. 22108% 22109He thinks the Gettysburg Address is where Lincoln lived. 22110 -- Wanda, "A Fish Called Wanda" 22111% 22112He thought he saw an albatross 22113That fluttered 'round the lamp. 22114He looked again and saw it was 22115A penny postage stamp. 22116"You'd best be getting home," he said, 22117"The nights are rather damp." 22118% 22119He thought of Musashi, the Sword Saint, standing in his garden more than 22120three hundred years ago. "What is the 'Body of a rock'?" he was asked. 22121In answer, Musashi summoned a pupil of his and bid him kill himself by 22122slashing his abdomen with a knife. Just as the pupil was about to comply, 22123the Master stayed his hand, saying, "That is the 'Body of a rock'." 22124 -- Eric Van Lustbader 22125% 22126[He] took me into his library and showed me his books, of which he had 22127a complete set. 22128 -- Ring Lardner 22129% 22130He walks as if balancing the family tree on his nose. 22131% 22132He was a cowboy, mister, and he loved the land. He loved it so much he 22133made a woman out of dirt and married her. But when he kissed her, she 22134disintegrated. Later, at the funeral, when the preacher said, "Dust to 22135dust," some people laughed, and the cowboy shot them. At his hanging, he 22136told the others, "I'll be waiting for you in heaven -- with a gun." 22137 -- Jack Handey 22138% 22139He was a fiddler, and consequently a rogue. 22140 -- Jonathan Swift 22141% 22142"He was a modest, good-humored boy. It was Oxford that made him 22143insufferable." 22144% 22145He was part of my dream, of course -- 22146but then I was part of his dream too. 22147 -- Lewis Carroll 22148% 22149"He was so narrow minded he could see through a keyhole with both 22150eyes ..." 22151% 22152He was the sort of person whose personality 22153would be greatly improved by a terminal illness. 22154% 22155He who always plows a straight furrow is in a rut. 22156% 22157He who attacks the fundamentals of the American broadcasting industry 22158attacks democracy itself. 22159 -- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS 22160% 22161He who dares the wrong, acts right, that's how it happens! 22162 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 22163% 22164He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for 22165the human condition is a fool. 22166 -- Albert Camus 22167% 22168He who despises himself nevertheless esteems himself as a self-despiser. 22169 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 22170% 22171He who enters his wife's dressing room is a philosopher or a fool. 22172 -- Honore de Balzac 22173% 22174He who fears the unknown may one day flee from his own backside. 22175 -- Sinbad 22176% 22177He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day. 22178% 22179He who foresees calamities suffers them twice over. 22180% 22181He who has a shady past knows that nice guys finish last. 22182% 22183He who has but four and spends five has no need for a wallet. 22184% 22185He who has imagination without learning has wings but no feet. 22186% 22187He who has the courage to laugh is almost as much 22188a master of the world as he who is ready to die. 22189 -- Giacomo Leopardi 22190% 22191He who hates vices hates mankind. 22192% 22193He who hesitates is a damned fool. 22194 -- Mae West 22195% 22196He who hesitates is last. 22197% 22198He who hesitates is sometimes saved. 22199% 22200He who hoots with owls by night cannot soar with eagles by day. 22201% 22202He who invents adages for others to peruse 22203takes along rowboat when going on cruise. 22204% 22205He who is content with his lot probably has a lot. 22206% 22207He who is flogged by fate and laughs the louder is a masochist. 22208% 22209He who is good for making excuses is seldom good for anything else. 22210% 22211He who is in love with himself has at least this advantage -- he won't 22212encounter many rivals. 22213 -- Georg Lichtenberg, "Aphorisms" 22214% 22215He who is intoxicated with wine will be sober again in the course of the 22216night, but he who is intoxicated by the cupbearer will not recover his 22217senses until the day of judgement. 22218 -- Saadi 22219% 22220He who is known as an early riser need not get up until noon. 22221% 22222He who knows, does not speak. He who speaks, does not know. 22223 -- Lao Tsu 22224% 22225He who knows not and knows that he knows not is ignorant. Teach him. 22226He who knows not and knows not that he knows not is a fool. Shun him. 22227He who knows and knows not that he knows is asleep. Wake him. 22228% 22229He who knows nothing, knows nothing. 22230But he who knows he knows nothing knows something. 22231And he who knows someone whose friend's wife's brother knows nothing, 22232 he knows something. Or something like that. 22233% 22234He who knows others is wise. 22235He who knows himself is enlightened. 22236 -- Lao Tsu 22237% 22238He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough. 22239 -- Lao Tsu 22240% 22241He who laughs has not yet heard the bad news. 22242 -- Bertolt Brecht 22243% 22244He who laughs last -- missed the punch line. 22245% 22246He who laughs last didn't get the joke. 22247% 22248He who laughs last hasn't been told the terrible truth. 22249% 22250He who laughs last is probably your boss. 22251% 22252He who laughs last probably doesn't understand the joke. 22253% 22254He who laughs last usually had to have joke explained. 22255% 22256He who Laughs, Lasts. 22257% 22258He who lives without folly is less wise than he believes. 22259% 22260He who loses, wins the race, 22261And parallel lines meet in space. 22262 -- John Boyd, "Last Starship from Earth" 22263% 22264He who makes a beast of himself gets rid of the pain of being a man. 22265 -- Dr. Johnson 22266% 22267He who minds his own business is never unemployed. 22268% 22269He who renders warfare fatal to all engaged in it will 22270be the greatest benefactor the world has yet known. 22271 -- Sir Richard Burton 22272% 22273He who slings mud generally loses ground. 22274 -- Adlai Stevenson 22275% 22276He who slings mud loses ground. 22277 -- Chinese proverb 22278% 22279He who spends a storm beneath a tree, takes life with a grain of TNT. 22280% 22281He who steps on others to reach the top has good balance. 22282% 22283He who walks on burning coals is sure to get burned. 22284 -- Sinbad 22285% 22286He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder. 22287 -- M. C. Escher 22288% 22289He who writes with no misspelled words has prevented a first suspicion 22290on the limits of his scholarship or, in the social world, of his general 22291education and culture. 22292 -- Julia Norton McCorkle 22293% 22294HEAD CRASH!! FILES LOST!! 22295Details at 11. 22296% 22297Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. 22298% 22299Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying 22300of nothing. 22301 -- Redd Foxx 22302% 22303Hear about... 22304 the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and 22305 started chiseling on his wife? 22306% 22307Hear about... 22308 the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she 22309 would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea? 22310% 22311Hear about... 22312 the female activist who went berserk during a demonstration and 22313 attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly weapon. She ended 22314 up a chopped libber? 22315% 22316Hear about... 22317 the guru who refused Novocaine while having a tooth pulled because 22318 he wanted to transcend dental medication? 22319% 22320Hear about... 22321 the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings 22322 that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This 22323 Space"? 22324% 22325Hear about... 22326 the wild office Christmas party in a completely automated 22327 company -- the photocopier got drunk and tried to undo the 22328 typewriter's ribbon? 22329% 22330Hear about the Californian terrorist that tried to blow up a bus? 22331Burned his lips on the exhaust pipe. 22332% 22333Hear about the young Chinese woman who just won the lottery? 22334One fortunate cookie... 22335% 22336Hear me, my chiefs, I am tired; my heart is sick and sad. 22337From where the sun now stands I Will Fight No More Forever. 22338 -- Chief Joseph of the Nez Perce 22339% 22340Heard that the next Space Shuttle is supposed to carry several 22341Guernsey cows? It's gonna be the herd shot 'round the world. 22342% 22343Hearts will never be practical until they can be made unbreakable. 22344 -- Frank Morgan as The Wizard, "The Wizard of Oz" 22345% 22346Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant, 22347on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning. 22348 -- Dr. John Lightfoot, 22349 Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University 22350% 22351Heaven, n.: 22352 A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of 22353their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you 22354expound your own. 22355 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 22356% 22357Heavier than air flying machines are impossible. 22358 -- Lord Kelvin, President, Royal Society, c. 1895 22359% 22360Heavy, adj.: 22361 Seduced by the chocolate side of the force. 22362% 22363Hedonist for hire... no job too easy! 22364% 22365Heisenberg may have been here. 22366% 22367Heisenberg may have slept here. 22368% 22369Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned. 22370 -- Milton Friedman 22371% 22372Hell hath no limits, nor is circumscribed in one self place, 22373for where we are is Hell, and where Hell is there must we ever be. 22374 -- Christopher Marlowe, "Doctor Faustus" 22375% 22376Hell, if you don't try to remake someone, 22377how are they supposed to know you care? 22378% 22379Hell is empty and all the devils are here. 22380 -- William Shakespeare, "The Tempest" 22381% 22382hell, n: 22383 Truth seen too late. 22384% 22385Heller's Law: 22386 The first myth of management is that it exists. 22387 22388Johnson's Corollary: 22389 Nobody really knows what is going on anywhere within the 22390organization. 22391% 22392Hello. Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will you 22393please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you. 22394Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. 22395% 22396Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a 22397date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see? 22398And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so 22399you set off across the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right 22400smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you 22401don't hear your girl screaming any more? 22402 22403 Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high! 22404 You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off! 22405 You'll never give up, never give up, never give up -- that ship! 22406% 22407"Hello," he lied. 22408 -- Don Carpenter, quoting a Hollywood agent 22409% 22410Hell's broken loose. 22411 -- Robert Greene 22412% 22413Help! I'm trapped in a Chinese computer factory! 22414% 22415Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70! 22416% 22417HELP! Man trapped in a human body! 22418% 22419HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN! 22420 -- E. E. CUMMINGS 22421% 22422Help a swallow land at Capistrano. 22423% 22424Help fight continental drift. 22425% 22426HELP!!!! I'm being held prisoner in /usr/share/games/fortune! 22427% 22428Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file! 22429% 22430Help stamp out and abolish redundancy! 22431% 22432Help stamp out Mickey-Mouse computer interfaces -- Menus are for Restaurants! 22433% 22434Hempstone's Question: 22435 If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class? 22436% 22437Her days were spent in a kind of slow bustle; always busy without 22438getting on, always behind hand and lamenting it, without altering 22439her ways; wishing to be an economist, without contrivance or 22440regularity; dissatisfied with her servants, without skill to make 22441them better, and whether helping, or reprimanding, or indulging 22442them, without any power of engaging their respect. 22443 -- J. Austen 22444% 22445Her locks an ancient lady gave 22446Her loving husband's life to save; 22447And men -- they honored so the dame -- 22448Upon some stars bestowed her name. 22449 22450But to our modern married fair, 22451Who'd give their lords to save their hair, 22452No stellar recognition's given. 22453There are not stars enough in heaven. 22454% 22455Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; 22456from Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth ... 22457% 22458Here comes the orator, with his flood of words and his drop of reason. 22459% 22460Here I am again right where I know I shouldn't be 22461I've been caught inside this trap too many times 22462I must've walked these steps and said these words a 22463 thousand times before 22464It seems like I know everybody's lines. 22465 -- David Bromberg, "How Late'll You Play 'Til?" 22466% 22467Here I am, fifty-eight, and I still don't know what I want to be when 22468I grow up. 22469 -- Peter Drucker 22470% 22471Here I sit, broken-hearted, 22472All logged in, but work unstarted. 22473First net.this and net.that, 22474And a hot buttered bun for net.fat. 22475 22476The boss comes by, and I play the game, 22477Then I turn back to net.flame. 22478Is there a cure (I need your views), 22479For someone trapped in net.news? 22480 22481I need your help, I say 'tween sobs, 22482'Cause I'll soon be listed in net.jobs. 22483% 22484Here in my heart, I am Helen; 22485 I'm Aspasia and Hero, at least. 22486I'm Judith, and Jael, and Madame de Sta"el; 22487 I'm Salome, moon of the East. 22488 22489Here in my soul I am Sappho; 22490 Lady Hamilton am I, as well. 22491In me R'ecamier vies with Kitty O'Shea, 22492 With Dido, and Eve, and poor nell. 22493 22494I'm all of the glamorous ladies 22495 At whose beckoning history shook. 22496But you are a man, and see only my pan, 22497 So I stay at home with a book. 22498 -- Dorothy Parker 22499% 22500Here is a simple experiment that will teach you an important electrical 22501lesson: On a cool, dry day, scuff your feet along a carpet, then reach 22502your hand into a friend's mouth and touch one of his dental fillings. 22503Did you notice how your friend twitched violently and cried out in 22504pain? This teaches us that electricity can be a very powerful force, 22505but we must never use it to hurt others unless we need to learn an 22506important electrical lesson. 22507 22508It also teaches us how an electrical circuit works. When you scuffed 22509your feet, you picked up batches of "electrons", which are very small 22510objects that carpet manufacturers weave into carpets so they will 22511attract dirt. The electrons travel through your bloodstream and 22512collect in your finger, where they form a spark that leaps to your 22513friend's filling, then travels down to his feet and back into the 22514carpet, thus completing the circuit. 22515 22516Amazing Electronic Fact: If you scuffed your feet long enough without 22517touching anything, you would build up so many electrons that your 22518finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you 22519have carpeting. 22520 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 22521% 22522Here is a test to find whether your mission on earth is finished: 22523if you're alive, it isn't. 22524% 22525HERE LIES LESTER MOORE 22526SHOT 4 TIMES WITH A .44 22527NO LES 22528NO MOORE 22529 -- tombstone, in Tombstone, AZ 22530% 22531Here lies my wife: her let her lie! 22532Now she's at rest, and so am I. 22533 -- John Dryden, epitaph intended for his wife 22534% 22535Here there by tygers. 22536% 22537HERE'S A GOOD JOKE to do during an earthquake. Straddle a big crack in 22538the earth and if it opens wider, go, "Whoa! Whoa!" and flap your arms 22539around as if you're going to fall. 22540 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. 22541% 22542"Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline 22543like `Psychic Wins Lottery'?" 22544 -- Jay Leno 22545% 22546Herth's Law: 22547 He who turns the other cheek too far gets it in the neck. 22548% 22549He's been like a father to me, 22550He's the only DJ you can get after three, 22551I'm an all-night musician in a rock and roll band, 22552And why he don't like me I don't understand. 22553 -- The Byrds 22554% 22555He's dead, Jim. 22556% 22557He's got the heart of a little child, 22558and he keeps it in a jar on his desk. 22559% 22560"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..." 22561% 22562He's just like Capistrano, always ready for a few swallows. 22563% 22564He's like a function -- he returns a value, in the form of 22565his opinion. It's up to you to cast it into a void or not. 22566 -- Phil Lapsley 22567% 22568He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be 22569there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter. 22570% 22571"He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..." 22572% 22573Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs, 22574then they'd be algorithms. 22575% 22576Hewett's Observation: 22577 The rudeness of a bureaucrat is inversely proportional to his or 22578 her position in the governmental hierarchy and to the number of 22579 peers similarly engaged. 22580% 22581"Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!" 22582 -- W. C. Fields 22583% 22584Hey, diddle, diddle the overflow pdl 22585To get a little more stack; 22586If that's not enough then you lose it all 22587And have to pop all the way back. 22588% 22589Hey, Jim, it's me, Susie Lillis from the laundromat. You said you were 22590gonna call and it's been two weeks. What's wrong, you lose my number? 22591% 22592HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS: 22593 Be sure it's true, when you say "I love you". It's a sin to 22594 tell a lie. Millions of hearts have been broken, just because 22595 these words were spoken. 22596% 22597"Hey, Sam, how about a loan?" 22598"Whattaya need?" 22599"Oh, about $500." 22600"Whattaya got for collateral?" 22601"Whattaya need?" 22602"How about an eye?" 22603 -- Sam Giancana 22604% 22605Hey, what do you expect from a culture that 22606*drives* on *parkways* and *parks* on *driveways*? 22607 -- Gallagher 22608% 22609Hi! I'm Larry. This is my brother Bob, and this is my other brother 22610Jimbo. We thought you might like to know the names of your assailants. 22611% 22612Hi! You have reached 962-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and 22613the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible. Please 22614leave your name and message after the beep... 22615% 22616Hi! How are things going? 22617 (just fine, thank you...) 22618Great! Say, could I bother you for a question? 22619 (you just asked one...) 22620Well, how about one more? 22621 (one more than the first one?) 22622Yes. 22623 (you already asked that...) 22624[at this point, Alphonso gets smart... ] 22625May I ask two questions, sir? 22626 (no.) 22627May I ask ONE then? 22628 (nope...) 22629Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question? 22630 (yes, you may.) 22631Sir, how may I ask you a question? 22632 (you must ask for retroactive question asking privileges for 22633 the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that 22634 number plus two, one for the current question, and one for the 22635 next one) 22636Sir, may I ask nine questions? 22637 (go right ahead...) 22638% 22639Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. As 22640you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of equal 22641height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. Do you have 22642a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you probably have the 22643makings of an excellent legal case. Although of course every case is 22644different, I would definitely say that based on my experience and training, 22645there's no reason why you shouldn't come out of this thing with at least a 22646cabin cruiser. 22647 22648Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our 22649motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.' 22650 -- Dave Barry 22651% 22652"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet. 22653As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of 22654equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney. 22655Do you have a car or a job? Do you ever walk around? If so, you 22656probably have the makings of an excellent legal case. Although of 22657course every case is different, I would definitely say that based on my 22658experience and training, there's no reason why you shouldn't come out 22659of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser. 22660 22661"Remember, at the Preston A. Mantis Consumers Retail Law Outlet, our 22662motto is: `It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'" 22663 -- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering" 22664% 22665Hi Jimbo. Dennis. Really appreciate the help on the income tax. 22666You wanna help on the audit now? 22667% 22668Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person 22669reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes, 22670nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home. 22671% 22672Hickery Dickery Dock, 22673The mice ran up the clock, 22674The clock struck one, 22675The others escaped with minor injuries. 22676% 22677Hideously disfigured by an ancient Indian curse? 22678 22679 WE CAN HELP! 22680 22681Call (511) 338-0959 for an immediate appointment. 22682% 22683Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich; 22684Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich. 22685Wir haben ihn ins Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws 22686Weil es uns duenkt er sei verreckt. And numerous Sins upon his head; 22687 We buried him today because 22688 As far as we can tell, he's dead. 22689 -- PDQ Bach's epitaph, as requested by his cousin Betty 22690 Sue Bach and written by the local doggerel catcher; 22691 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter 22692 Schickele 22693% 22694Higgins: Doolittle, you're either an honest man or a rogue. 22695Doolittle: A little of both, Guv'nor. Like the rest of us, a 22696 little of both. 22697 -- Shaw, "Pygmalion" 22698% 22699Higgledy Piggledy, 22700Hamlet of Elsinore 22701Ruffled the critics by dropping this bomb: 22702"Phooey on Freud and his Psychoanalysis -- 22703Oedipus, Shmoedipus, I just loved Mom." 22704% 22705High heels are a device invented by a woman 22706who was tired of being kissed on the forehead. 22707% 22708High Priest: Armaments Chapter One, verses nine through twenty-seven: 22709Bro. Maynard: And Saint Attila raised the Holy Hand Grenade up on high 22710 saying, "Oh Lord, Bless us this Holy Hand Grenade, and with it 22711 smash our enemies to tiny bits." And the Lord did grin, and the 22712 people did feast upon the lambs, and stoats, and orangutans, and 22713 breakfast cereals, and lima bean- 22714High Priest: Skip a bit, brother. 22715Bro. Maynard: And then the Lord spake, saying: "First, shalt thou take 22716 out the holy pin. Then shalt thou count to three. No more, no less. 22717 *Three* shall be the number of the counting, and the number of the 22718 counting shall be three. *Four* shalt thou not count, and neither 22719 count thou two, excepting that thou then goest on to three. Five is 22720 RIGHT OUT. Once the number three, being the third number be reached, 22721 then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who, being 22722 naughty in my sight, shall snuff it. Amen. 22723All: Amen. 22724 -- Monty Python, "The Holy Hand Grenade" 22725% 22726HIGH TECHNOLOGY: 22727 A California innovation composed 22728 of equal parts of silicon and marijuana. 22729% 22730Higher education helps your earning capacity. Ask any college professor. 22731% 22732Hildebrant's Principle: 22733 If you don't know where you are going, 22734 any road will get you there. 22735% 22736Him: "Your skin is so soft. Are you a model?" 22737Her: "No," [blush] "I'm a cosmetologist." 22738Him: "Really? That's incredible... 22739 It must be very tough to handle weightlessness." 22740 -- "The Jerk" 22741% 22742Hindsight is always 20:20. 22743 -- Billy Wilder 22744% 22745Hindsight is an exact science. 22746% 22747Hippogriff, n.: 22748 An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half griffin. 22749The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and half eagle. 22750The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter eagle, which 22751is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of zoology is full 22752of surprises. 22753 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 22754% 22755Hire the morally handicapped. 22756% 22757His designs were strictly honourable, as the phrase is: that is, to rob 22758a lady of her fortune by way of marriage. 22759 -- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones" 22760% 22761...his disciples lead him in; he just does the rest. 22762 -- Tommy 22763% 22764"His eyes were cold. As cold as the bitter winter snow that was falling 22765outside. Yes, cold and therefore difficult to chew..." 22766% 22767His followers called him Mahasamatman and said he was a god. He preferred 22768to drop the Maha- and the -atman, however, and called himself Sam. He never 22769claimed to be a god. But then, he never claimed not to be a god. Circum- 22770stances being what they were, neither admission could be of any benefit. 22771Silence, though, could. It was in the days of the rains that their prayers 22772went up, not from the fingering of knotted prayer cords or the spinning of 22773prayer wheels, but from the great pray-machine in the monastery of Ratri, 22774goddess of the Night. The high-frequency prayers were directed upward through 22775the atmosphere and out beyond it, passing into that golden cloud called the 22776Bridge of the Gods, which circles the entire world, is seen as a bronze 22777rainbow at night and is the place where the red sun becomes orange at midday. 22778Some of the monks doubted the orthodoxy of this prayer technique... 22779 -- Roger Zelazny, "Lord of Light" 22780% 22781"His great aim was to escape from civilization, and, as soon as he had 22782money, he went to Southern California." 22783% 22784His heart was yours from the first moment that you met. 22785% 22786His ideas of first-aid stopped short of squirting soda water. 22787 -- P. G. Wodehouse 22788% 22789His life was formal; his actions seemed ruled with a ruler. 22790% 22791His mind is like a steel trap -- full of mice. 22792 -- Foghorn Leghorn 22793% 22794His super power is to turn into a scotch terrier. 22795% 22796Historians have now definitely established that Juan Cabrillo, discoverer 22797of California, was not looking for Kansas, thus setting a precedent that 22798continues to this day. 22799 -- Wayne Shannon 22800% 22801History books which contain no lies are extremely dull. 22802% 22803History has much to say on following the proper procedures. From a history 22804of the Mexican revolution: 22805 22806 "Hildago was later defeated at Guadalajara. The rebel army was 22807captured on its way through the mountains. All were courtmartialed and 22808shot, except Hildago, because he was a priest. He was handed over to 22809the bishop of Durango who excommunicated him and returned him to the 22810army where he was then executed." 22811% 22812History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion -- 22813i.e. none to speak of. 22814 -- Lazarus Long 22815% 22816History is curious stuff 22817 You'd think by now we had enough 22818Yet the fact remains I fear 22819 They make more of it every year. 22820% 22821History is nothing but a collection of fables and useless trifles, 22822cluttered up with a mass of unnecessary figures and proper names. 22823 -- Leo Tolstoy 22824% 22825History is on our side (as long as we can control the historians). 22826% 22827History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree on. 22828 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims" 22829% 22830History, n.: 22831 Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we 22832learn nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from 22833what happened this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long 22834view. 22835 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" 22836% 22837History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history. 22838% 22839History repeats itself -- the first time as a tragi-comedy, the second 22840time as bedroom farce. 22841% 22842History repeats itself only if one does not listen the first time. 22843% 22844History shows that the human mind, fed by constant accessions of knowledge, 22845periodically grows too large for its theoretical coverings, and bursts them 22846asunder to appear in new habiliments, as the feeding and growing grub, at 22847intervals, casts its too narrow skin and assumes another... Truly the imago 22848state of Man seems to be terribly distant, but every moult is a step gained. 22849 -- Charles Darwin, from "Origin of the Species" 22850% 22851Hit them biscuits with another touch of gravy, 22852Burn that sausage just a match or two more done. 22853Pour my black old coffee longer, 22854While that smell is gettin' stronger 22855A semi-meal ain't nuthin' much to want. 22856 22857Loan me ten, I got a feelin' it'll save me, 22858With an ornery soul who don't shoot pool for fun, 22859If that coat'll fit you're wearin', 22860The Lord'll bless your sharin' 22861A semi-friend ain't nuthin' much to want. 22862 22863And let me halfway fall in love, 22864For part of a lonely night, 22865With a semi-pretty woman in my arms. 22866Yes, I could halfway fall in deep-- 22867Into a snugglin', lovin' heap, 22868With a semi-pretty woman in my arms. 22869 -- Elroy Blunt 22870% 22871Hitchcock's Staple Principle: 22872 The stapler runs out of staples 22873 only while you are trying to staple something. 22874% 22875Hitler used methods against white men in Europe, which by tacit 22876agreement between the cultural European nations were only to be 22877used against the coloured. 22878 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 22879% 22880Hlade's Law: 22881 If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they 22882will find an easier way to do it. 22883% 22884Hoaars-Faisse Gallery presents: 22885An exhibit of works by the artist known only as Pretzel. 22886 22887The exhibit includes several large conceptual works using non-traditional 22888media and found objects including old sofa-beds, used mace canisters, 22889discarded sanitary napkins and parts of freeways. The artist explores 22890our dehumanization due to high technology and unresponsive governmental 22891structures in a post-industrial world. She/he (the artist prefers to 22892remain without gender) strives to create dialogue between viewer and 22893creator, to aid us in our quest to experience contemporary life with its 22894inner-city tensions, homelessness, global warming and gender and 22895class-based stress. The works are arranged to lead us to the essence of 22896the argument: that the alienation of the person/machine boundary has 22897sapped the strength of our voices and must be destroyed for society to 22898exist in a more fundamental sense. 22899% 22900Hoare's Law of Large Problems: 22901 Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get 22902out. 22903% 22904Hodie natus est radici frater. 22905% 22906Hoffer's Discovery: 22907 The grand act of a dying institution is to issue a newly 22908 revised, enlarged edition of the policies and procedures manual. 22909% 22910Hofstadter's Law: 22911 It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take 22912Hofstadter's Law into account. 22913% 22914HOGAN'S HEROES DRINKING GAME -- 22915 Take a shot every time: 22916 22917-- Sergeant Schultz says, "I knoooooowww nooooothing!" 22918-- General Burkhalter or Major Hochstetter intimidate/insult Colonel Klink. 22919-- Colonel Klink falls for Colonel Hogan's flattery. 22920-- One of the prisoners sneaks out of camp (one shot for each prisoner to go). 22921-- Colonel Klink snaps to attention after answering the phone (two shots 22922 if it's one of our heroes on the other end). 22923-- One of the Germans is threatened with being sent to the Russian front. 22924-- Corporal Newkirk calls up a German in his phoney German accent, and 22925 tricks him (two shots if it's Colonel Klink). 22926-- Hogan has a romantic interlude with a beautiful girl from the underground. 22927-- Colonel Klink relates how he's never had an escape from Stalag 13. 22928-- Sergeant Schultz gives up a secret (two shots if he's bribed with food). 22929-- The prisoners listen to the Germans' conversation by a hidden transmitter. 22930-- Sergeant Schultz "captures" one of the prisoners after an escape. 22931-- Lebeau pronounces "colonel" as "cuh-loh-`nell". 22932-- Carter builds some kind of device (two shots if it's not explosive). 22933-- Lebeau wears his apron. 22934-- Hogan says "We've got no choice" when the someone claims that the 22935 plan is impossible. 22936-- The prisoners capture an important German, and sneak him out the tunnel. 22937% 22938Hollerith, v: 22939 What thou doest when thy phone is on the fritzeth. 22940% 22941Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it. 22942 -- Rex Reed 22943% 22944Holy Dilemma! Is this the end for the Caped Crusader and the Boy Wonder? 22945Will the Joker and the Riddler have the last laugh? 22946 22947 Tune in again tomorrow: 22948 same Bat-time, same Bat-channel! 22949% 22950HOLY MACRO! 22951% 22952Home is the place where, when you have to go there, 22953they have to take you in. 22954 -- Robert Frost, "The Death of the Hired Man" 22955% 22956Home is where the hurt is. 22957% 22958Home life as we understand it is no more natural to us than a 22959cage is to a cockatoo. 22960 -- George Bernard Shaw 22961% 22962Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories: 22963The ultimate in watchdog weaponry. 22964 -- Chris Shaw 22965% 22966Home on the Range was originally written in beef-flat. 22967% 22968"Home, Sweet Home" must surely have been written by a bachelor. 22969 -- Samuel Butler 22970% 22971Honesty is for the most part less profitable than dishonesty. 22972 -- Plato 22973% 22974Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. 22975% 22976Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people. 22977 -- F. M. Hubbard 22978% 22979Honesty's the best policy. 22980 -- Miguel de Cervantes 22981% 22982honeymoon, n: 22983 A short period of doting between dating and debting. 22984 -- Ray C. Bandy 22985% 22986Honi soit la vache qui rit. 22987% 22988Honk if you hate bumper stickers that say "Honk if ..." 22989% 22990Honk if you love peace and quiet. 22991% 22992Honorable, adj.: 22993 Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative 22994bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the 22995honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur." 22996 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 22997% 22998Hope is a good breakfast, but it is a bad supper. 22999 -- Francis Bacon 23000% 23001Hope is a waking dream. 23002 -- Aristotle 23003% 23004Hope not, lest ye be disappointed. 23005 -- M. Horner 23006% 23007Hope that the day after you die is a nice day. 23008% 23009Hoping to goodness is not theologically sound. 23010 -- Peanuts 23011% 23012Horace's best ode would not please a young woman as much 23013as the mediocre verses of the young man she is in love with. 23014 -- Moore 23015% 23016Horner's Five Thumb Postulate: 23017 Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. 23018% 23019Horngren's Observation: 23020 Among economists, the real world is often a special case. 23021% 23022Hors d'oeuvres -- a ham sandwich cut into forty pieces. 23023 -- Jack Benny 23024% 23025Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on 23026people. 23027 -- W. C. Fields 23028% 23029Horses are forbidden to eat fire hydrants in Marshalltown, Iowa. 23030% 23031HOST SYSTEM NOT RESPONDING, PROBABLY DOWN. DO YOU WANT TO WAIT? (Y/N) 23032% 23033HOST SYSTEM RESPONDING, PROBABLY UP... 23034% 23035Hotels are tired of getting ripped off. I checked into a hotel and they 23036had towels from my house. 23037 -- Mark Guido 23038% 23039Houdini escaping from New Jersey! 23040% 23041Household hint: 23042 If you are out of cream for your coffee, 23043 mayonnaise makes a dandy substitute. 23044% 23045Housework can kill you if done right. 23046 -- Erma Bombeck 23047% 23048Houston, Tranquillity Base here. The Eagle has landed. 23049 -- Neil Armstrong 23050% 23051How apt the poor are to be proud. 23052 -- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night" 23053% 23054How can you be in two places at once when you're not anywhere at all? 23055% 23056How can you do "New Math" problems with an "Old Math" mind? 23057 -- Schulz 23058% 23059How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese? 23060 -- Charles de Gaulle 23061% 23062How can you have any pudding if you don't eat your meat? 23063 -- Pink Floyd 23064% 23065How can you prove whether at this moment we are sleeping, and all our 23066thoughts are a dream; or whether we are awake, and talking to one another 23067in the waking state? 23068 -- Plato 23069% 23070How can you think and hit at the same time? 23071 -- Yogi Berra 23072% 23073How can you work when the system's so crowded? 23074% 23075How come everyone's going so slow if it's called rush hour? 23076% 23077How come financial advisors never seem to be as wealthy as they 23078claim they'll make you? 23079% 23080How come only your friends step on your new white sneakers? 23081% 23082How come we never talk anymore? 23083% 23084How come wrong numbers are never busy? 23085% 23086How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards 23087in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule? 23088 -- A. Cooper 23089% 23090How could they think women a recreation? 23091Or the repetition of bodies of steady interest? 23092Only the ignorant or the busy could. That elm 23093of flesh must prove a luxury of primes; 23094be perilous and dear with rain of an alternate earth. 23095Which is not to damn the forested China of touching. 23096I am neither priestly nor tired, and the great knowledge 23097of breasts with their loud nipples congregates in me. 23098The sudden nakedness, the small ribs, the mouth. 23099Splendid. Splendid. Splendid. Like Rome. Like loins. 23100A glamour sufficient to our long marvelous dying. 23101I say sufficient and speak with earned privilege, 23102for my life has been eaten in that foliate city. 23103To ambergris. But not for recreation. 23104I would not have lost so much for recreation. 23105 23106Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game 23107of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming. 23108Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness 23109have I come this far, stubborn, disastrous way. 23110But for relish of those archipelagoes of person. 23111To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow, 23112and call and call forever till she turn from bird 23113to blowing woods. From woods to jungle. Persimmon. 23114To light. From light to princess. From princess to woman 23115in all her fresh particularity of difference. 23116Then oh, through the underwater time of night 23117indecent and still, to speak to her without habit. 23118This I have done with my life, and am content. 23119I wish I could tell you how it is in that dark, 23120standing in the huge singing and the alien world. 23121 -- Jack Gilbert, "Don Giovanni on his way to Hell" 23122% 23123How do I love thee? My accumulator overflows. 23124% 23125How do you explain school to a higher intelligence? 23126 -- Elliot, "E.T." 23127% 23128"How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why were you afraid 23129to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her." 23130 "I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat 23131replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were 23132you. As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be 23133deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them. As for your 23134second question --" Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested 23135in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then 23136licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but 23137examined his claws. 23138 "If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been 23139hers and not my own, not ever again." 23140 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" 23141% 23142How doth the little crocodile 23143 Improve his shining tail, 23144And pour the waters of the Nile 23145 On every golden scale! 23146 23147How cheerfully he seems to grin, 23148 How neatly spreads his claws, 23149And welcomes little fishes in, 23150 With gently smiling jaws! 23151 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland" 23152% 23153How doth the VAX's C compiler 23154Improve its object code. 23155And even as we speak does it 23156Increase the system load. 23157 23158How patiently it seems to run 23159And spit out error flags, 23160While users, with frustration, all 23161Tear their clothes to rags. 23162% 23163How doth the VAX's C-compiler 23164Improve its object code. 23165And even as we speak does it 23166Increase the system load. 23167 23168How patiently it seems to run 23169And spit out error flags, 23170While users, with frustration, all 23171Tear all their clothes to rags. 23172% 23173How is the world ruled, and how do wars start? Diplomats tell lies to 23174journalists, and they believe what they read. 23175 -- Karl Kraus, "Aphorisms and More Aphorisms" 23176% 23177How kind of you to be willing to live someone's life for them. 23178% 23179How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're 23180on. 23181% 23182How many "coming men" has one known! Where on earth do they all go to? 23183 -- Sir Arthur Wing Pinero 23184% 23185How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 23186None: "We'll fix it in software." 23187 23188How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 23189None: "We'll document it in the manual." 23190 23191How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? 23192None: "The user can work it out." 23193% 23194How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being carried by 23195a waiter at a nice party? 23196 Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors 23197d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell what's 23198inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then say: "This is 23199cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it back on the tray and 23200bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another cheese!" and so on. 23201 -- Dave Barry 23202% 23203"How many hors d'oeuvres you are allowed to take off a tray being 23204carried by a waiter at a nice party?" 23205 23206Two, but there are ways around it, depending on the style of the hors 23207d'oeuvre. If they're those little pastry things where you can't tell 23208what's inside, you take one, bite off about two-thirds of it, then 23209say: "This is cheese! I hate cheese!" Then you put the rest of it 23210back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another 23211cheese!" and so on. 23212 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 23213% 23214How many priests are needed for a Boston Mass? 23215% 23216How many weeks are there in a light year? 23217% 23218How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to 23219Dayton? 23220 -- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey 23221% 23222How much does she love you? 23223Less than you'll ever know. 23224% 23225How much for your women? I want to buy your 23226daughter... how much for the little girl? 23227 -- Jake Blues, "The Blues Brothers" 23228% 23229How much net work could a network work, if a network could net work? 23230% 23231How much of their influence on you is a result of your influence on them? 23232% 23233How often I found where I should be going 23234only by setting out for somewhere else. 23235 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 23236% 23237How sharper than a hound's tooth it is to have a thankless serpent. 23238% 23239How sharper than a serpent's tooth is a sister's "See?" 23240 -- Linus Van Pelt 23241% 23242How to become a sysop: 23243 I grew a beard, started wearing only t-shirts and jeans, and 23244 developed a surly attitude. The group accepted me, and I've 23245 never worked a full day in my life since then. 23246 -- rho/slashdot 23247% 23248How to Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children 23249 -- Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes 23250% 23251How untasteful can you get? 23252% 23253How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers. 23254% 23255HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: 23256 #1040 Your income tax refund cheque bounces. 23257% 23258HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: 23259 #15 Your pet rock snaps at you. 23260% 23261HOW YOU CAN TELL THAT IT'S GOING TO BE A ROTTEN DAY: 23262 #32: You call your answering service and they've never heard of 23263 you. 23264% 23265How you look depends on where you go. 23266% 23267Howe's Law: 23268 Everyone has a scheme that will not work. 23269% 23270However, never daunted, I will cope with adversity in my traditional 23271manner ... sulking and nausea. 23272 -- Tom K. Ryan 23273% 23274However, on religious issues there can be little or no compromise. There 23275is no position on which people are so immovable as their religious beliefs. 23276There is no more powerful ally one can claim in a debate than Jesus Christ, 23277or God, or Allah, or whatever one calls this supreme being. But like any 23278powerful weapon, the use of God's name on one's behalf should be used 23279sparingly. The religious factions that are growing throughout our land are 23280not using their religious clout with wisdom. They are trying to force 23281government leaders into following their position 100 percent. If you disagree 23282with these religious groups on a particular moral issue, they complain, they 23283threaten you with a loss of money or votes or both. I'm frankly sick and 23284tired of the political preachers across this country telling me as a citizen 23285that if I want to be a moral person, I must believe in "A," "B," "C," and 23286"D." Just who do they think they are? And from where do they presume to 23287claim the right to dictate their moral beliefs to me? And I am even more 23288angry as a legislator who must endure the threats of every religious group 23289who thinks it has some God-granted right to control my vote on every roll 23290call in the Senate. I am warning them today: I will fight them every step 23291of the way if they try to dictate their moral convictions to all Americans 23292in the name of "conservatism." 23293 -- Senator Barry Goldwater, Congressional Record 23294% 23295HR 3128. Omnibus Budget Reconciliation, Fiscal 1986. Martin, R-Ill., 23296motion that the House recede from its disagreement to the Senate 23297amendment making changes in the bill to reduce fiscal 1986 deficits. 23298The Senate amendment was an amendment to the House amendment to the 23299Senate amendment to the House amendment to the Senate amendment to the 23300bill. The original Senate amendment was the conference agreement on 23301the bill. Agreed to. 23302 -- Albuquerque Journal 23303% 23304Hubbard's Law: 23305 Don't take life too seriously; 23306 you won't get out of it alive. 23307% 23308Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!! 23309Oh wait... 23310I'm a computer, and you're a person. It would never work out. 23311Never mind. 23312% 23313Huh? 23314% 23315Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill. 23316% 23317Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 1929. 23318Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an operating 23319table to prevent her interference, he placed a urethral catheter into 23320a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of his heart], and 23321walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took the confirmatory 23322x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the Nobel Prize. 23323% 23324Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in 233251929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an 23326operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a urethral 23327catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of 23328his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took 23329the confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the 23330Nobel Prize. 23331% 23332Human kind cannot bear very much reality. 23333 -- T. S. Eliot, "Four Quartets: Burnt Norton" 23334% 23335Human resources are human first, and resources second. 23336 -- J. Garbers 23337% 23338Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober, 23339responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and 23340immature. 23341 -- Tom Robbins 23342% 23343Humans are communications junkies. We just can't get enough. 23344 -- Alan Kay 23345% 23346Humility is the first of the virtues -- for other people. 23347 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes 23348% 23349Hummingbirds never remember the words to songs. 23350% 23351Humor is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse. 23352 -- William Gilbert 23353% 23354Humorists always sit at the children's table. 23355 -- Woody Allen 23356% 23357"Humpf!" Humpfed a voice! "For almost two days you've run wild and insisted on 23358chatting with persons who've never existed. Such carryings-on in our peaceable 23359jungle! We've had quite enough of you bellowing bungle! And I'm here to 23360state," snapped the big kangaroo, "That your silly nonsensical game is all 23361through!" And the young kangaroo in her pouch said, "Me, too!" 23362 "With the help of the Wickersham Brothers and dozens of Wickersham 23363Uncles and Wickersham Cousins and Wickersham In-Laws, whose help I've engaged, 23364You're going to be roped! And you're going to be caged! And, as for your 23365dust speck... Hah! That we shall boil in a hot steaming kettle of Beezle-But 23366oil!" 23367 -- Dr. Seuss, "Horton Hears a Who" 23368% 23369Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall, 23370Humpty Dumpty had a great fall! 23371All the king's horses, 23372And all the king's men, 23373Had scrambled eggs for breakfast again! 23374% 23375Humpty Dumpty was pushed. 23376% 23377Hurewitz's Memory Principle: 23378 The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional 23379to ..... to ........ uh .............. 23380% 23381I: 23382 The best way to make a silk purse from a sow's ear is to begin 23383 with a silk sow. The same is true of money. 23384II: 23385 If today were half as good as tomorrow is supposed to be, it would 23386 probably be twice as good as yesterday was. 23387III: 23388 There are no lazy veteran lion hunters. 23389IV: 23390 If you can afford to advertise, you don't need to. 23391V: 23392 One-tenth of the participants produce over one-third of the output. 23393 Increasing the number of participants merely reduces the average 23394 output. 23395 -- Norman Augustine 23396% 23397I accept chaos. I am not sure whether it accepts me. I know some people 23398are terrified of the bomb. But then some people are terrified to be seen 23399carrying a modern screen magazine. Experience teaches us that silence 23400terrifies people the most. 23401 -- Bob Dylan 23402% 23403I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster. 23404 -- John Hinckley 23405% 23406I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Congs. 23407 -- Muhammad Ali 23408% 23409I allow the world to live as it chooses, 23410and I allow myself to live as I choose. 23411% 23412I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a professor 23413or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any other minority 23414viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority. 23415 -- Richard Nixon 23416 23417What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism? 23418 -- Richard Nixon 23419% 23420I always choose my friends for their good looks and my enemies for their 23421good intellects. Man cannot be too careful in his choice of enemies. 23422 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray" 23423% 23424I always had a repulsive need to be something more than human. 23425 -- David Bowie 23426% 23427I always pass on good advice. It is the only thing to do with it. 23428It is never any good to oneself. 23429 -- Oscar Wilde, "An Ideal Husband" 23430% 23431I always say beauty is only sin deep. 23432 -- H. H. Munro, a.k.a Saki, "Reginald's Choir Treat" 23433% 23434I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people's 23435accomplishments. The front page has nothing but man's failures. 23436 -- Chief Justice Earl Warren 23437% 23438I always wake up at the crack of ice. 23439 -- Joe E. Lewis 23440% 23441I always will remember -- I was in no mood to trifle; 23442'Twas a year ago November -- I got down my trusty rifle 23443I went out to shoot some deer And went out to stalk my prey -- 23444On a morning bright and clear. What a haul I made that day! 23445I went and shot the maximum I tied them to my bumper and 23446The game laws would allow: I drove them home somehow, 23447Two game wardens, seven hunters, Two game wardens, seven hunters, 23448And a cow. And a cow. 23449 23450The Law was very firm, it People ask me how I do it 23451Took away my permit-- And I say, "There's nothin' to it! 23452The worst punishment I ever endured. You just stand there lookin' cute, 23453It turns out there was a reason: And when something moves, you shoot." 23454Cows were out of season, and And there's ten stuffed heads 23455One of the hunters wasn't insured. In my trophy room right now: 23456 Two game wardens, seven hunters, 23457 And a pure-bred gurnsey cow. 23458 -- Tom Lehrer, "The Hunting Song" 23459% 23460I am a bookaholic. If you are a decent 23461person, you will not sell me another book. 23462% 23463I am a computer. 23464I am dumber than any human and smarter than any administrator. 23465% 23466I am a conscientious man, when I throw 23467rocks at seabirds I leave no tern unstoned. 23468 -- Ogden Nash, "Everybody's Mind to Me a Kingdom Is" 23469% 23470I am a deeply superficial person. 23471 -- Andy Warhol 23472% 23473I am a friend of the working man, and I would rather be his friend 23474than be one. 23475 -- Clarence Darrow 23476% 23477I am a man: nothing human is alien to me. 23478 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 23479% 23480I am a PC technician - however, this has unfortunately caused my 23481computer to be running Win98. 23482 -- seen on a FreeBSD mailing-list 23483% 23484I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented 23485limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice. 23486 -- Burt Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance" 23487% 23488I am an optimist. It does not seem too much use being anything else. 23489 -- Winston Churchill 23490% 23491I am changing my name to Chrysler 23492I am going down to Washington, D.C. 23493I will tell some power broker 23494 What they did for Iacocca 23495Will be perfectly acceptable to me! 23496 23497I am changing my name to Chrysler, 23498I am heading for that great receiving line. 23499When they hand a million grand out, 23500 I'll be standing with my hand out, 23501Yessir, I'll get mine! 23502% 23503"I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder 23504have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products. 23505This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's 23506reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go 23507buy some more." 23508 -- timw@zeb.USWest.COM 23509% 23510I am convinced that the truest act of courage is to sacrifice ourselves 23511for others in a totally nonviolent struggle for justice. To be a man 23512is to suffer for others. 23513 -- Cesar Chavez 23514% 23515I am fairly unrepentant about her poetry. I really think that three 23516quarters of it is gibberish. However, I must crush down these thoughts 23517otherwise the dove of peace will shit on me. 23518 -- Noel Coward on Edith Sitwell 23519% 23520I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool. 23521 -- Katharine Whitehorn 23522% 23523I am getting into abstract painting. Real abstract -- no brush, no canvas, 23524I just think about it. I just went to an art museum where all of the art 23525was done by children. All the paintings were hung on refrigerators. 23526 -- Steven Wright 23527% 23528I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person, 23529of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell 23530you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial 23531atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something 23532inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering. 23533 -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan 23534% 23535I am just a nice, clean-cut Mongolian boy. 23536 -- Yul Brynner, 1956 23537% 23538I am looking for a honest man. 23539 -- Diogenes the Cynic 23540% 23541I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work. 23542% 23543I am NOMAD! 23544% 23545I am not a crook. 23546 -- Richard Nixon 23547% 23548I am not a politician and my other habits are also good. 23549 -- A. Ward 23550% 23551I am not afraid of tomorrow, for I have seen yesterday and I love today. 23552 -- William Allen White 23553% 23554"I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!" 23555 -- Paul McCracken 23556% 23557"I am not now, and never have been, a girlfriend of Henry Kissinger." 23558 -- Gloria Steinem 23559% 23560I am not now, nor have I ever been, a member of the demigodic party. 23561 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 23562% 23563"I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it." 23564 -- English Professor 23565% 23566I am of the belief that catnip arrived on the planet in the same spaceship 23567that delivered cats. It is the only thing they have from their home 23568planet. Tuna, chicken, sparrow-brains, etc., these are all things of our 23569world that they like, but catnip is crack from home. 23570 -- Bill Cole 23571% 23572I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say 23573(in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated. 23574 -- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason" 23575% 23576I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the 23577great ordeal of meeting me is another matter. 23578 -- Winston Churchill 23579% 23580I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone 23581has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. 23582 -- Professor Lowd, English, Ohio University 23583% 23584I am so optimistic about beef prices that I've just leased a pot roast 23585with an option to buy. 23586% 23587"I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater." 23588% 23589I am the wandering glitch -- catch me if you can. 23590% 23591I am two fools, I know, for loving, and for saying so. 23592 -- John Donne 23593% 23594I am two with nature. 23595 -- Woody Allen 23596% 23597I am very fond of the company of ladies. I like their beauty, 23598I like their delicacy, I like their vivacity, and I like their silence. 23599 -- Samuel Johnson 23600% 23601"I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of 23602the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for 23603you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway." 23604 -- Dr. Dwight Van de Vate, Professor of Philosophy, 23605 University of Tennessee at Knoxville 23606% 23607"I argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an 23608argument on any topic, against any opponent. People know this, and 23609steer clear of me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, 23610they don't even invite me." 23611 -- Dave Barry 23612% 23613I asked the engineer who designed the communication terminal's keyboards 23614why these were not manufactured in a central facility, in view of the 23615small number needed [1 per month] in his factory. He explained that this 23616would be contrary to the political concept of local self-sufficiency. 23617Therefore, each factory needing keyboards, no matter how few, manufactures 23618them completely, even molding the keypads. 23619 -- Isaac Auerbach, IEEE "Computer", Nov. 1979 23620% 23621I attribute my success to intelligence, guts, determination, honesty, 23622ambition, and having enough money to buy people with those qualities. 23623% 23624I B M 23625U B M 23626We all B M 23627For I B M!!!! 23628 -- H.A.R.L.I.E. 23629% 23630I base my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. 23631 -- Gilda Radner 23632% 23633I began many years ago, as so many young men do, in searching for the 23634perfect woman. I believed that if I looked long enough, and hard enough, 23635I would find her and then I would be secure for life. Well, the years 23636and romances came and went, and I eventually ended up settling for someone 23637a lot less than my idea of perfection. But one day, after many years 23638together, I lay there on our bed recovering from a slight illness. My 23639wife was sitting on a chair next to the bed, humming softly and watching 23640the late afternoon sun filtering through the trees. The only sounds to 23641be heard elsewhere were the clock ticking, the kettle downstairs starting 23642to boil, and an occasional schoolchild passing beneath our window. And 23643as I looked up into my wife's now wrinkled face, but still warm and 23644twinkling eyes, I realized something about perfection... It comes only 23645with time. 23646 -- James L. Collymore, "Perfect Woman" 23647% 23648I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life, 23649particularly if he has income and she is pattable. 23650 -- Ogden Nash 23651% 23652I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute 23653-- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic) 23654how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom 23655to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or 23656political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely 23657because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or 23658the people who might elect him. 23659 -- John F. Kennedy 23660% 23661"I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean." 23662 -- G. K. Chesterton 23663% 23664I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in a lifetime. 23665 -- Woody Allen 23666% 23667I believe that professional wrestling is clean 23668and everything else in the world is fixed. 23669 -- Frank Deford, sports writer 23670% 23671I believe that the moment is near when by a procedure of active paranoiac 23672thought, it will be possible to systematize confusion and contribute to the 23673total discrediting of the world of reality. 23674 -- Salvador Dali 23675% 23676"I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat." 23677 -- Will Rogers 23678% 23679"I bet the human brain is a kludge." 23680 -- Marvin Minsky 23681% 23682I BET WHAT HAPPENED was they discovered fire and invented the wheel on 23683the same day. Then that night, they burned the wheel. 23684 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. 23685% 23686I BET WHEN NEANDERTHAL KIDS would make a snowman, someone would always 23687end up saying, "Don't forget the thick heavy brows." Then they would get 23688embarrassed because they remembered they had the big hunky brows too, and 23689they'd get mad and eat the snowman. 23690 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. 23691% 23692I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub. 23693 -- Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during 23694 a visit to a London veterans hospital 23695% 23696I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house. 23697 -- Steven Wright 23698% 23699I brake for chezlogs! 23700% 23701I braved the contempt of my friends last week and ventured out to see 23702Bambi, the Disney rerelease that is proving to be a hit once again in the 23703box office. I was looking forward to a gentle, soothing, late afternoon 23704relief from the Washington Summer. Instead I was traumatized. As a 23705psycho-sexual return to the horrors of early adolescence, it couldn't be 23706more effective. For the first half-hour, you're lulled into an agreeable 23707sense of security and comfort. Birds twitter; small rabbits turn out to 23708be great conversationalists. Pop is what Senator Moynihan would describe 23709as an absent father, but Mom's there to make you feel OK in the odd 23710thunderstorm. You make great friends, fool around on the ice, discover 23711the meadow, generally mellow out. Then, without any particular warning, 23712your mom gets shot, your voice breaks, huge growths start appearing on 23713your head, and your peers start heading off into the clover with the 23714apparent intention of having sex. Next thing you know, the forest burns 23715down. If I were still eight, I think I'd prefer Rambo III. 23716 -- Townsend Davis 23717% 23718I call them as I see them. If I can't see them, I make them up. 23719 -- Biff Barf 23720% 23721I called my parents the other night, but I forgot about the time difference. 23722They're still living in the fifties. 23723 -- Strange de Jim 23724% 23725I came, I saw, I deleted all your files. 23726% 23727I came out of twelve years of college and I didn't even know how to sew. 23728All I could do was account -- I couldn't even account for myself. 23729 -- Firesign Theatre 23730% 23731I came to MIT to get an education for myself and a diploma for my mother. 23732% 23733I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan 23734prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very 23735bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after 23736relentless day. 23737 -- Betty MacDonald 23738% 23739I can give you my word, but I know what it's worth and you don't. 23740 -- Nero Wolfe, "Over My Dead Body" 23741% 23742I can hire one half of the working class to kill the other half. 23743 -- Jay Gould 23744% 23745I can mend the break of day, heal a broken heart, 23746and provide temporary relief to nymphomaniacs. 23747 -- Larry Lee 23748% 23749I can read your mind, and you should be ashamed of yourself. 23750% 23751I can relate to that. 23752% 23753"I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and 2375425 percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be 23755true." 23756 -- Harry S. Truman 23757% 23758I can resist anything but temptation. 23759% 23760I can see him a'comin' 23761With his big boots on, 23762With his big thumb out, 23763He wants to get me. 23764He wants to hurt me. 23765He wants to bring me down. 23766But some time later, 23767When I feel a little straighter, 23768I'll come across a stranger 23769Who'll remind me of the danger, 23770And then.... I'll run him over. 23771Pretty smart on my part! 23772To find my way... In the dark! 23773 -- Phil Ochs 23774% 23775I can write better than anybody who can write faster, 23776and I can write faster than anybody who can write better. 23777 -- A. J. Liebling 23778% 23779I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions. 23780 -- Lillian Hellman 23781% 23782I cannot believe that God plays dice with the cosmos. 23783 -- Albert Einstein, on the randomness of quantum mechanics 23784% 23785I cannot conceive that anybody will require multiplications at the rate 23786of 40,000 or even 4,000 per hour ... 23787 -- F. H. Wales (1936) 23788% 23789I cannot draw a cart, nor eat dried oats; 23790If it be man's work I will do it. 23791% 23792I cannot overemphasize the importance of good grammar. 23793 23794What a crock. I could easily overemphasize the importance of good 23795grammar. For example, I could say: "Bad grammar is the leading cause 23796of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the 23797United States would have lost World War II." 23798 -- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar" 23799% 23800I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest. 23801 -- Steven Pearl 23802% 23803"I can't complain, but sometimes I still do." 23804 -- Joe Walsh 23805% 23806"I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling." 23807 -- Florence Henderson 23808% 23809I can't die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver. 23810 -- Phil Harris 23811% 23812I Can't Get Over You, So I Get Up and Go Around to the Other Side 23813If You Won't Leave Me Alone, I'll Find Someone Who Will 23814I Knew That You'd Committed a Sin When You Came Home Late With 23815 Your Socks Outside-in 23816I'm a Rabbit in the Headlights of Your Love 23817Don't Kick My Tires If You Ain't Gonna Take Me For a Ride 23818I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well 23819I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better 23820I've Got Red Eyes From Your White Lies and I'm Blue All the Time 23821 -- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay" 23822% 23823I can't mate in captivity. 23824 -- Gloria Steinem, on why she has never married 23825% 23826I can't seem to bring myself to say, "Well, I guess I'll be toddling along." 23827It isn't that I can't toddle. It's that I can't guess I'll toddle. 23828 -- Robert Benchley 23829% 23830I can't stand squealers; hit that guy. 23831 -- Albert Anastasia 23832% 23833I can't stand this proliferation of paperwork. It's useless to fight the 23834forms. You've got to kill the people producing them. 23835 -- Vladimir Kabaidze, general director of the Ivanovo Machine 23836 Building Works (near Moscow) in a speech to the Communist 23837 Party Conference 23838% 23839I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can 23840understand it. 23841 -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands 23842% 23843I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a 23844novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars. 23845 -- Fred Allen 23846% 23847I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. 23848I'm frightened of the old ones. 23849 -- John Cage 23850% 23851"I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights 23852instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is 23853standing still ..." 23854 -- Steven Wright 23855% 23856I collect rare photographs... I have two... One of Houdini locking his 23857keys in his car... the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating 23858up a child. 23859 -- Steven Wright 23860% 23861I come from a small town whose population never changed. Each time 23862a woman got pregnant, someone left town. 23863 -- Michael Prichard 23864% 23865I consider a new device or technology to have been 23866culturally accepted when it has been used to commit a murder. 23867 -- M. Gallaher 23868% 23869I consider the day misspent that I am not 23870either charged with a crime, or arrested for one. 23871 -- "Ratsy" Tourbillon 23872% 23873I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather 23874dance with the cows till you come home. 23875 -- Groucho Marx 23876% 23877I could never learn to like her -- 23878except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight. 23879 -- Mark Twain 23880% 23881I couldn't possibly fail to disagree with you less. 23882% 23883"I couldn't remember when I had been so disappointed. Except perhaps 23884the time I found out that M&Ms really *do* melt in your hand ..." 23885 -- Peter Oakley 23886% 23887I despise the pleasure of pleasing people whom I despise. 23888% 23889I didn't believe in reincarnation in any of my other lives. I don't see why 23890I should have to believe in it in this one. 23891 -- Strange de Jim 23892% 23893I didn't do it! Nobody saw me do it! Can't prove anything! 23894 -- Bart Simpson 23895% 23896I didn't get sophisticated -- I just got tired. 23897But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired. 23898 -- Rita Gain 23899% 23900I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British. 23901% 23902"I didn't know it was impossible when I did it." 23903% 23904I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. The 23905curtain was up. 23906% 23907"I didn't order any WOO-WOO... Maybe a YUBBA... But no WOO-WOO!" 23908 -- Zippy the Pinhead 23909% 23910I disagree with what you say, but will defend 23911to the death your right to tell such LIES! 23912% 23913I distrust a close-mouthed man. He generally picks the wrong time to talk 23914and says the wrong things. Talking's something you can't do judiciously, 23915unless you keep in practice. Now, sir, we'll talk if you like. I'll tell 23916you right out, I'm a man who likes talking to a man who likes to talk. 23917 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" 23918% 23919I distrust a man who says when. If he's got to be careful not to drink 23920too much, it's because he's not to be trusted when he does. 23921 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" 23922% 23923I do desire we may be better strangers. 23924 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" 23925% 23926I do enjoy a good long walk -- especially when my wife takes one. 23927% 23928I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an 23929exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to 23930minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary 23931accountants fail to discover; hidden laws of number which it requires a 23932mind like mine to perceive. For instance, if you add a sum from the 23933bottom up, and then again from the top down, the result is always 23934different. 23935 -- Mrs. La Touche (19th cent.) 23936% 23937I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish Church, by the Roman 23938Church, by the Greek Church, by the Turkish Church, by the Protestant Church, 23939nor by any Church that I know of. My own mind is my own Church. 23940 -- Thomas Paine 23941% 23942I do not care if half the league strikes. Those who do will encounter 23943quick retribution. All will be suspended, and I don't care if it wrecks 23944the National League for five years. This is the United States of America 23945and one citizen has as much right to play as another. 23946 -- Ford Frick, National League President, reacting to a 23947 threatened strike by some Cardinal players in 1947 if 23948 Jackie Robinson took the field against St. Louis. The 23949 Cardinals backed down and played. 23950% 23951"I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them." 23952 -- Isaac Asimov 23953% 23954"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us 23955with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forego their use." 23956 -- Galileo Galilei 23957% 23958"I do not know myself, and God forbid that I should." 23959 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 23960% 23961I do not know where to find in any literature, whether ancient or modern, 23962any adequate account of that nature with which I am acquainted. Mythology 23963comes nearest to it of any. 23964 -- Henry David Thoreau 23965% 23966I do not know whether I was then a man dreaming I was a 23967butterfly, or whether I am now a butterfly dreaming I am a man. 23968 -- Chuang Tzu 23969% 23970I do not remember ever having seen a sustained argument by an author which, 23971starting from philosophical premises likely to meet with general acceptance, 23972reached the conclusion that a praiseworthy ordering of one's life is to 23973devote it to research in mathematics. 23974 -- Sir Edmund Whittaker, "Scientific American", Vol. 183 23975% 23976I do not seek the ignorant; the ignorant seek me -- I will instruct them. 23977I ask nothing but sincerity. If they come out of habit, they become 23978tiresome. 23979 -- I Ching 23980% 23981I do not take drugs -- I am drugs. 23982 -- Salvador Dali 23983% 23984"I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an Aquarius, and Aquarians 23985don't believe in astrology." 23986 -- James R. F. Quirk 23987% 23988I don't believe in astrology. But then I'm an 23989Aquarius, and Aquarians don't believe in astrology. 23990 -- James Quirk 23991% 23992I don't believe there really IS a GAS SHORTAGE.. I think it's all just 23993a BIG HOAX on the part of the plastic sign salesmen -- to sell more 23994numbers!! 23995% 23996I don't care for the Sugar Smacks commercial. I don't like the idea of 23997a frog jumping on my Breakfast. 23998 -- Lowell, Chicago Reader 10/15/82 23999% 24000I don't care how poor and inefficient a little country is; they like to 24001run their own business. I know men that would make my wife a better 24002husband than I am; but, darn it, I'm not going to give her to 'em. 24003 -- The Best of Will Rogers 24004% 24005I don't care what star you're following, get that camel off my front lawn! 24006 -- Heard in Bethlehem 24007% 24008I don't care where I sit as long as I get fed. 24009 -- Calvin Trillin 24010% 24011I don't care who does the electing as long as I get to do the 24012nominating. 24013 -- Boss Tweed 24014% 24015I don't deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don't 24016deserve that either. 24017 -- Jack Benny 24018% 24019I don't do it for the money. 24020 -- Donald Trump, Art of the Deal 24021% 24022I don't drink, I don't like it, it makes me feel too good. 24023 -- K. Coates 24024% 24025I don't even butter my bread. I consider that cooking. 24026 -- Katherine Cebrian 24027% 24028I don't get no respect. 24029% 24030I don't have an eating problem. I eat. 24031I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem. 24032% 24033"I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem." 24034 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 24035% 24036I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two 24037highly trained certified public accountants. 24038 -- Elvis Presley 24039% 24040"I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got hundreds of 24041people waiting to abuse me." 24042 -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" 24043% 24044I don't kill flies, but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above 24045globes. They freak out and yell "Whooa, I'm *way* too high." 24046 -- Bruce Baum 24047% 24048I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to. 24049 -- Elvis Presley 24050% 24051I don't know what Descartes' got, 24052But booze can do what Kant cannot. 24053 -- Mike Cross 24054% 24055I don't know who my grandfather was; I am much 24056more concerned to know what his grandson will be. 24057 -- Abraham Lincoln 24058% 24059I don't know why anyone would want a computer in their home. 24060 -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, 1974 24061% 24062I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate. 24063% 24064"I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd 24065eat it, and I just hate it." 24066 -- Clarence Darrow 24067% 24068I don't like the Dutchman. He's a crocodile. He's sneaky. 24069I don't trust him. 24070 -- Jack "Legs" Diamond, just before a peace conference 24071 with Dutch Schultz. 24072 24073I don't trust Legs. He's nuts. He gets excited and starts pulling a 24074trigger like another guy wipes his nose. 24075 -- Dutch Schultz, just before a peace conference with 24076 "Legs" Diamond. 24077% 24078I don't make the rules, Gil, I only play the game. 24079 -- Cash McCall 24080% 24081I don't mind arguing with myself. 24082It's when I lose that it bothers me. 24083 -- Richard Powers 24084% 24085"I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path." 24086 -- Ronald Mabbitt 24087% 24088I don't mind what Congress does, as long as they don't do it in the 24089streets and frighten the horses. 24090 -- Victor Hugo 24091% 24092I don't need no arms around me... 24093I don't need no drugs to calm me... 24094I have seen the writing on the wall. 24095Don't think I need anything at all. 24096No! Don't think I need anything at all! 24097All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall. 24098All in all, it was all just bricks in the wall. 24099 -- Pink Floyd, "Another Brick in the Wall", Part III 24100% 24101"I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?" 24102% 24103I don't remember it, but I have it written down. 24104% 24105I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before 24106he starts to practice law. 24107 -- John F. Kennedy, upon appointing his brother 24108 Attorney-General. 24109% 24110I DON'T THINK I'M ALONE when I say I'd like to see more and more planets 24111fall under the ruthless domination of our solar system. 24112 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. 24113% 24114"I don't think so," said Ren'e Descartes. Just then, he vanished. 24115% 24116I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican 24117Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters. 24118 -- Richard Nixon, 1972 24119% 24120"I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the other 24121hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out." 24122% 24123"I don't understand," said the scientist, "why you lemmings all rush down 24124to the sea and drown yourselves." 24125 24126"How curious," said the lemming. "The one thing I don't understand is why 24127you human beings don't." 24128 -- James Thurber 24129% 24130I don't understand you anymore. 24131% 24132I don't wanna argue, and I don't wanna fight, 24133But there will definitely be a party tonight... 24134% 24135I don't want a pickle, 24136I just wanna ride on my motorcycle. 24137And I don't want to die, 24138I just want to ride on my motorcycle. 24139 -- Arlo Guthrie 24140% 24141I don't want people to love me. It makes for obligations. 24142 -- Jean Anouilh 24143% 24144I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. 24145I want to achieve immortality through not dying. 24146 -- Woody Allen 24147% 24148I don't want to alarm anybody, but there is an excellent chance that 24149the Earth will be destroyed in the next several days. Congress is 24150thinking about eliminating a federal program under which scientists 24151broadcast signals to alien beings. This would be a large mistake. 24152Alien beings have nuclear blaster death cannons. You cannot cut off 24153their federal programs as if they were merely poor people ... 24154 -- Dave Barry, "THE ALIENS ARE COMING, THE ALIENS ARE 24155 COMING!" 24156% 24157I don't want to bore you, but there's nobody else around for me to bore. 24158% 24159I don't want to live on in my work, I want to live on in my apartment. 24160 -- Woody Allen 24161% 24162I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive? 24163% 24164I dote on his very absence. 24165 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 24166% 24167I doubt, therefore I might be. 24168% 24169"I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business 24170on earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment 24171he has succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual 24172becoming, with a goal in front and not behind." 24173 -- George Bernard Shaw 24174% 24175"I drink to make other people interesting." 24176 -- George Jean Nathan 24177% 24178I either want less decadence or more chance to participate in it. 24179% 24180I enjoy the time that we spend together. 24181% 24182I exist, therefore I am paid. 24183% 24184I fear explanations explanatory of things explained. 24185% 24186I feel sorry for your brain... all alone in that great big head... 24187% 24188I fell asleep reading a dull book, and I dreamt that I was reading on, 24189so I woke up from sheer boredom. 24190% 24191I figure that if God actually does exist, He's big enough to understand an 24192honest difference of opinion. 24193 -- Isaac Asimov 24194% 24195I finally went to the eye doctor. I got contacts. 24196I only need them to read, so I got flip-ups. 24197 -- Steven Wright 24198% 24199I find this corpse guilty of carrying a concealed weapon and I fine it $40. 24200 -- Judge Roy Bean, finding a pistol and $40 on a man he'd 24201 just shot. 24202% 24203I for one cannot protest the recent M.T.A. fare hike and the 24204accompanying promises that this would in no way improve service. For 24205the transit system, as it now operates, has hidden advantages that 24206can't be measured in monetary terms. 24207 24208Personally, I feel that it is well worth 75 cents or even $1 to have 24209that unimpeachable excuse whenever I am late to anything: "I came by 24210subway." Those four words have such magic in them that if Godot should 24211someday show up and mumble them, any audience would instantly 24212understand his long delay. 24213% 24214"I found out why my car was humming. It had forgotten the words." 24215% 24216I found Rome a city of bricks and left it a city of marble. 24217 -- Augustus Caesar 24218% 24219"I gained nothing at all from Supreme Enlightenment, and for that very 24220reason it is called Supreme Enlightenment." 24221 -- Gautama Buddha 24222% 24223I gave my love an Apple, that had no core; 24224I gave my love a building, that had no floor; 24225I wrote my love a program, that had no end; 24226I gave my love an upgrade, with no cryin'. 24227 24228How can there be an Apple, that has no core? 24229How can there be a building, that has no floor? 24230How can there be a program, that has no end? 24231How can there be an upgrade, with no cryin'? 24232 24233An Apple's MOS memory don't use no core! 24234A building that's perfect, it has no flaw! 24235A program with GOTOs, it has no end! 24236I lied about the upgrade, with no cryin'! 24237% 24238I gave up Smoking, Drinking and Sex. It was the most *__________horrifying* 20 24239minutes of my life! 24240% 24241I generally avoid temptation unless I can't resist it. 24242 -- Mae West 24243% 24244I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise. 24245 -- Chauncey Depew 24246% 24247I get up each morning, gather my wits. 24248Pick up the paper, read the obits. 24249If I'm not there I know I'm not dead. 24250So I eat a good breakfast and go back to bed. 24251 24252Oh, how do I know my youth is all spent? 24253My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went. 24254But in spite of it all, I'm able to grin, 24255And think of the places my get-up has been. 24256 -- Pete Seeger 24257% 24258I give you the man who -- the man who -- uh, I forgets the man who? 24259 -- Beauregard Bugleboy 24260% 24261I go on working for the same reason a hen goes on laying eggs. 24262 -- H. L. Mencken 24263% 24264"I got into an elevator at work and this man followed in after me... I 24265pushed '1' and he just stood there... I said 'Hi, where you going?' He 24266said, 'Phoenix.' So I pushed Phoenix. A few seconds later the doors 24267opened, two tumbleweeds blew in... we were in downtown Phoenix. I looked 24268at him and said 'You know, you're the kind of guy I want to hang around 24269with.' We got into his car and drove out to his shack in the desert. 24270Then the phone rang. He said 'You get it.' I picked it up and said 24271'Hello?'... the other side said 'Is this Steven Wright?'... I said 'Yes...' 24272The guy said 'Hi, I'm Mr. Jones, the student loan director from your bank... 24273It seems you have missed your last 17 payments, and the university you 24274attended said that they received none of the $17,000 we loaned you... we 24275would just like to know what happened to the money?' I said, 'Mr. Jones, 24276I'll give it to you straight. I gave all of the money to my friend Slick, 24277and with it he built a nuclear weapon... and I would appreciate it you never 24278called me again." 24279 -- Steven Wright 24280% 24281I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now 24282when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and 24283farther, trying to see it clearly)... and says, "Here, you can go." 24284 -- Steven Wright 24285% 24286I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were 24287wearing masks for. 24288 -- James Boren 24289% 24290I got this powdered water -- now I don't know what to add. 24291 -- Steven Wright 24292% 24293I got tired of listening to the recording on the phone at the movie 24294theater. So I bought the album. I got kicked out of a theater the 24295other day for bringing my own food in. I argued that the concession 24296stand prices were outrageous. Besides, I hadn't had a barbecue in a 24297long time. I went to the theater and the sign said adults $5 children 24298$2.50. I told them I wanted 2 boys and a girl. I once took a cab to 24299a drive-in movie. The movie cost me $95. 24300 -- Steven Wright 24301% 24302I got vision, and the rest of the world wears bifocals. 24303 -- Butch Cassidy 24304% 24305I GUESS I KINDA LOST CONTROL because in the middle of the play I ran up 24306and lit the evil puppet villain on fire. 24307 24308No, I didn't. Just kidding. I just said that to illustrate one of the 24309human emotions which is freaking out. Another emotion is greed, as when 24310you kill someone for money or something like that. Another emotion is 24311generosity, as when you pay someone double what he paid for his stupid 24312puppet. 24313 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. 24314% 24315I GUESS I'LL NEVER FORGET HER. And maybe I don't want to. Her spirit 24316was wild, like a wild monkey. Her beauty was like a beautiful horse 24317being ridden by a wild monkey. I forget her other qualities. 24318 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. 24319% 24320I guess I've been so wrapped up in playing the game that I never took 24321time enough to figure out where the goal line was -- what it meant to 24322win -- or even how you won. 24323 -- Cash McCall 24324% 24325I guess I've been wrong all my life, but so have billions of 24326other people... Certainty is just an emotion. 24327 -- Hal Clement 24328% 24329I GUESS OF ALL MY UNCLES, I liked Uncle Caveman the best. We called him 24330Uncle Caveman because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat 24331one of us. Later, we found out he was a bear. 24332 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. 24333% 24334I guess the Little League is even littler than we thought. 24335 -- D. Cavett 24336% 24337I GUESS WE WERE ALL GUILTY, in a way. We shot him, we skinned him, and 24338we all got a complimentary bumper sticker that said, "I helped skin Bob." 24339 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. 24340% 24341I had a dream last night... 24342I dreamt about 1976. 24343I dreamt about a country with incurable brain damage... 24344I even dreamt they gave it a heart transplant. 24345Then I woke up and I knew it was only a nightmare... 24346so I went back to sleep again. 24347 -- Ralph Steadman, "Fear and Loathing '72" 24348% 24349I had a feeling once about mathematics -- that I saw it all. Depth beyond 24350depth was revealed to me -- the Byss and the Abyss. I saw -- as one might 24351see the transit of Venus or even the Lord Mayor's Show -- a quantity passing 24352through infinity and changing its sign from plus to minus. I saw exactly 24353why it happened and why tergiversation was inevitable -- but it was after 24354dinner and I let it go. 24355 -- Winston Churchill 24356% 24357I had a virgin once. I had to go to Guatemala for her. She was blind 24358in one eye, and she had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami 24359Beach." 24360 -- The Stunt Man 24361% 24362I had another dream the other day about government financial management 24363people. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they 24364had stepped out of a painting by Goya. 24365% 24366I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small 24367and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a 24368painting by Goya. 24369 -- Stravinsky 24370% 24371I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black 24372people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people 24373put a black person through in this country. To realize you don't have any 24374power to make things different is a bitch. 24375 -- Miles Davis 24376% 24377I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, 24378so I took his shoes. 24379 -- Dave Barry 24380% 24381I had the rare misfortune of being one of the first people to try and 24382implement a PL/1 compiler. 24383 -- T. Cheatham 24384% 24385I had to censor everything my sons watched ... even on the Mary Tyler 24386Moore show I heard the word "damn"! 24387 -- Mary Lou Bax 24388% 24389"I had to hit him -- he was starting to make sense." 24390% 24391I hate babies. They're so human. 24392 -- H. H. Munro 24393% 24394I hate dying. 24395 -- Dave Johnson 24396% 24397"I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day cause that means 24398it's going to be up all night." 24399 -- Steven Wright 24400% 24401I hate mankind, for I think myself one of the best of them, 24402and I know how bad I am. 24403 -- Samuel Johnson 24404% 24405"I hate quotations." 24406 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 24407% 24408I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park 24409there's nothing else to do. 24410 -- Lenny Bruce 24411% 24412I hate trolls. Maybe I could metamorph it into something else -- like a 24413ravenous, two-headed, fire-breathing dragon. 24414 -- Willow 24415% 24416I have a box of telephone rings under my bed. Whenever I get lonely, I 24417open it up a little bit, and I get a phone call. One day I dropped the 24418box all over the floor. The phone wouldn't stop ringing. I had to get 24419it disconnected. So I got a new phone. I didn't have much money, so I 24420had to get an irregular. It doesn't have a five. I ran into a friend 24421of mine on the street the other day. He said why don't you give me a 24422call. I told him I can't call everybody I want to anymore, my phone 24423doesn't have a five. He asked how long had it been that way. I said I 24424didn't know -- my calendar doesn't have any sevens. 24425 -- Steven Wright 24426% 24427I have a dog; I named him Stay. So when I'd go to call him, I'd say, "Here, 24428Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me 24429and just keeps on typing. 24430 -- Steven Wright 24431% 24432I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia, 24433the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to 24434sit down together at the table of brotherhood. 24435 -- Martin Luther King, Jr. 24436% 24437I have a friend whose a billionaire. He invented Cliff's notes. When 24438I asked him how he got such a great idea he said, "Well first I... 24439I just... to make a long story short..." 24440 -- Steven Wright 24441% 24442I have a hard time being attracted to anyone who can beat me up. 24443 -- John McGrath, Atlanta sportswriter, on women weightlifters 24444% 24445I have a hobby. I have the world's largest collection of sea shells. 24446I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen 24447some of it. 24448 -- Steven Wright 24449% 24450I have a little shadow that goes in and out with me, 24451And what can be the use of him is more than I can see. 24452He is very, very like me from the heels up to the head; 24453And I see him jump before me, when I jump into my bed. 24454 24455The funniest thing about him is the way he likes to grow-- 24456Not at all like proper children, which is always very slow; 24457For he sometimes shoots up taller, like an india-rubber ball, 24458And he sometimes gets so little that there's none of him at all. 24459 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 24460% 24461I have a map of the United States. It's actual size. 24462I spent last summer folding it. 24463People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6". 24464 -- Steven Wright 24465% 24466I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died. 24467 -- Richard Diran 24468% 24469I have a simple philosophy: 24470 24471 Fill what's empty. 24472 Empty what's full. 24473 Scratch where it itches. 24474 -- A. R. Longworth 24475% 24476I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything. Every once 24477in a while I turn it on and off. On and off. On and off. One day I 24478got a call from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!" 24479 -- Steven Wright 24480% 24481I have a terrible headache, I was putting on toilet water and the lid fell. 24482% 24483I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything, 24484but I can't prove it. 24485% 24486"I have a very firm grasp on reality! I can reach out and strangle it 24487any time!" 24488% 24489I have a very small mind and must live with it. 24490 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 24491% 24492I have a very strange feeling about this... 24493 -- Luke Skywalker 24494% 24495"I have accepted Provolone into my life!" 24496 -- Zippy the Pinhead 24497% 24498I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to 24499sacrifice my wife's brother. 24500 -- Artemus Ward 24501% 24502I have always noticed that whenever a radical takes 24503to Imperialism, he catches it in a very acute form. 24504 -- Winston Churchill, 1903 24505% 24506I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it. 24507 -- Steven Wright 24508% 24509I have become me without my consent. 24510% 24511I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, 24512which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'. 24513 -- Dave Barry 24514% 24515"I have come up with a sure-fire concept for a hit television show, 24516which would be called `A Live Celebrity Gets Eaten by a Shark'." 24517 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 24518% 24519I have defined the hundred per cent American as ninety-nine per 24520cent an idiot. 24521 -- George Bernard Shaw 24522% 24523I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable 24524to sit still in a room. 24525 -- Blaise Pascal 24526% 24527I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats. I tell them the truth 24528and they never believe me. 24529 -- Camillo Di Cavour 24530% 24531I have found it impossible to carry the heavy burden of responsibility and 24532to discharge my duties as king as I would wish to do without the help and 24533support of the woman I love. 24534 -- Edward, Duke of Windsor, 1936, announcing his abdication 24535 of the British throne in order to marry the American 24536 divorcee Wallis Warfield Simpson. 24537% 24538I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience 24539most of them are trash. 24540 -- Sigmund Freud 24541% 24542I have gained this by philosophy: 24543that I do without being commanded what others 24544do only from fear of the law. 24545 -- Aristotle 24546% 24547I have given two cousins to war and I stand ready to sacrifice my 24548wife's brother. 24549 -- Artemus Ward 24550% 24551I have great faith in fools -- self confidence my friends call it. 24552 -- Edgar Allan Poe 24553% 24554I have had my television aerials removed. It's the moral equivalent 24555of a prostate operation. 24556 -- Malcolm Muggeridge 24557% 24558I have hardly ever known a mathematician who was capable of reasoning. 24559 -- Plato 24560% 24561I have just had eighteen whiskeys in a row. 24562I do believe that is a record. 24563 -- Dylan Thomas, his last words 24564% 24565I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages. You 24566sound like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an 24567eight-ulcer man on a four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working. I 24568have never met you, but if I do you'll need a new nose and plenty of 24569beefsteak and perhaps a supporter below. Westbrook Pegler, a 24570guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you. You can take that as more 24571of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry. 24572 -- Harry S. Truman 24573% 24574I have learned silence from the talkative, 24575toleration from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind. 24576 -- Kahlil Gibran 24577% 24578I have learned 24579To spell hors d'oeuvres 24580Which still grates on 24581Some people's n'oeuvres. 24582 -- Warren Knox 24583% 24584I have lots of things in my pockets; 24585None of them is worth anything. 24586Sociopolitical whines aside, 24587Gan you give me, gratis, free, 24588The price of half a gallon 24589Of Gallo extra bad 24590And most of the bus fare home. 24591% 24592"I have made mistakes but I have never made the mistake of claiming 24593that I have never made one." 24594 -- James Gordon Bennett 24595% 24596"I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to 24597make it shorter." 24598 -- Blaise Pascal 24599% 24600I have more hit points that you can possible imagine. 24601% 24602I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole BODY! 24603 -- Cerebus, #82 24604% 24605I have more humility in my little finger than you have in your whole 24606____BODY! 24607 -- from "Cerebus" #82 24608% 24609I have never been one to sacrifice 24610my appetite on the altar of appearance. 24611 -- A. M. Readyhough 24612% 24613I have never let my schooling interfere with my education. 24614 -- Mark Twain 24615% 24616I have never seen anything fill up a vacuum so fast and still suck. 24617 -- Rob Pike, on X 24618 24619Steve Jobs said two years ago that X is brain-damaged and it will be 24620gone in two years. He was half right. 24621 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 24622 24623Dennis Ritchie is twice as bright as Steve Jobs, and only half wrong. 24624 -- Jim Gettys 24625% 24626I have never understood this liking for war. It panders to instincts 24627already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic 24628establishment. 24629 -- Alan Bennett 24630% 24631I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race, 24632in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals. 24633 -- Thoreau 24634% 24635I have no doubt the Devil grins, 24636As seas of ink I spatter. 24637Ye gods, forgive my "literary" sins-- 24638The other kind don't matter. 24639 -- Robert W. Service 24640% 24641I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his 24642own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks 24643of himself. To undermine a man's self-respect is a sin. 24644 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 24645% 24646I have not yet begun to byte! 24647% 24648I have nothing but utter contempt for the courts of this land. 24649 -- George Wallace 24650% 24651I have now come to the conclusion never again to think of marrying, 24652and for this reason: I can never be satisfied with anyone who would 24653be blockhead enough to have me. 24654 -- Abraham Lincoln 24655% 24656I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart. 24657 -- Jimmy Carter 24658% 24659I have often regretted my speech, never my silence. 24660 -- Publilius Syrus 24661% 24662I have sacrificed time, health, and fortune, in the desire to complete these 24663Calculating Engines. I have also declined several offers of great personal 24664advantage to myself. But, notwithstanding the sacrifice of these advantages 24665for the purpose of maturing an engine of almost intellectual power, and 24666after expending from my own private fortune a larger sum than the government 24667of England has spent on that machine, the execution of which it only 24668commenced, I have received neither an acknowledgement of my labors, nor even 24669the offer of those honors or rewards which are allowed to fall within the 24670reach of men who devote themselves to purely scientific investigations... 24671 If the work upon which I have bestowed so much time and thought were 24672a mere triumph over mechanical difficulties, or simply curious, or if the 24673execution of such engines were of doubtful practicability or utility, some 24674justification might be found for the course which has been taken; but I 24675venture to assert that no mathematician who has a reputation to lose will 24676ever publicly express an opinion that such a machine would be useless if 24677made, and that no man distinguished as a civil engineer will venture to 24678declare the construction of such machinery impracticable... 24679 And at a period when the progress of physical science is obstructed 24680by that exhausting intellectual and manual labor, indispensable for its 24681advancement, which it is the object of the Analytical Engine to relieve, I 24682think the application of machinery in aid of the most complicated and abstruse 24683calculations can no longer be deemed unworthy of the attention of the country. 24684In fact, there is no reason why mental as well as bodily labor should not 24685be economized by the aid of machinery. 24686 -- Charles Babbage, "The Life of a Philosopher" 24687% 24688I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer. 24689 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 24690% 24691I have seen the Great Pretender and he is not what he seems. 24692% 24693I have that old biological urge, 24694I have that old irresistible surge, 24695I'm hungry. 24696% 24697"I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best." 24698 -- Oscar Wilde 24699% 24700"I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it 24701scattered around the beaches of the world ... Perhaps you've seen it. 24702 -- Steven Wright 24703% 24704"I have to convince you, or at least snow you ..." 24705 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 24706% 24707I have to think hard to name an interesting man who does not drink. 24708 -- Richard Burton 24709% 24710I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with 24711the best people in business administration. I can assure you on the highest 24712authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year. 24713 -- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall 24714 publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior 24715 editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new 24716 science of data processing), c. 1957 24717% 24718"I have two very rare photographs: one is a picture of Houdini locking 24719his keys in his car; the other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell 24720beating up a child." 24721 -- Steven Wright 24722% 24723I have ways of making money that you know nothing of. 24724 -- John D. Rockefeller 24725% 24726I have yet to see any problem, however complicated, which, when looked 24727at in the right way, did not become still more complicated. 24728 -- Poul Anderson 24729% 24730"I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere." 24731% 24732"I haven't lost my mind; I know exactly where I left it." 24733% 24734I hear the sound that the machines make, 24735and feel my heart break, just for a moment. 24736% 24737I hear what you're saying but I just don't care. 24738% 24739I heard a definition of an intellectual, that I thought was very 24740interesting: a man who takes more words than are necessary to tell 24741more than he knows. 24742 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 24743% 24744I hold it, that a little rebellion, now and then, is a good thing... 24745 -- Thomas Jefferson 24746% 24747I hold your hand in mine, dear, I press it to my lips, 24748I take a healthy bite from your dainty fingertips, 24749My joy would be complete, dear, if you were only here, 24750But still I keep your hand as a precious souvenir. 24751 24752The night you died I cut it off, I really don't know why, 24753For now each time I kiss it I get bloodstains on my tie, 24754I'm sorry now I killed you, our love was something fine, 24755So until they come to get me I will hold your hand in mine. 24756 24757 -- Tom Lehrer, "I Hold Your Hand In Mine" 24758% 24759I hope you're not pretending to be evil while 24760secretly being good. That would be dishonest. 24761% 24762I just asked myself... what would John DeLorean do? 24763 -- Raoul Duke 24764% 24765I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke. 24766I think I saw God. 24767 -- B. Hathrume Duk 24768% 24769I just forgot my whole philosophy of life!!! 24770% 24771I just got off the phone with Sonny Barger [President of the Hell's Angels]. 24772He wants me to appear as a character witness for him at his murder trial 24773and said he'd be glad to appear as a character witness on my behalf if I 24774ever needed one. Needless to say, I readily agreed. 24775 -- Thomas King Forcade, publisher of "High Times" 24776% 24777I just got out of the hospital after a 24778speed reading accident. I hit a bookmark. 24779 -- Steven Wright 24780% 24781I just know I'm a better manager when I have Joe DiMaggio in center field. 24782 -- Casey Stengel 24783% 24784"I just need enough to tide me over until I need more." 24785 -- Bill Hoest 24786% 24787"I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes." 24788"Did you ever see a doctor?" 24789"No, just spots." 24790% 24791I kissed my first girl and smoked my first cigarette on the same day. 24792I haven't had time for tobacco since. 24793 -- Arturo Toscanini 24794% 24795I knew her before she was a virgin. 24796 -- Oscar Levant, on Doris Day 24797% 24798I *knew* I had some reason for not logging you off... 24799If I could just remember what it was. 24800% 24801I knew one thing: as soon as anyone said you didn't need a gun, you'd better 24802take one along that worked. 24803 -- Raymond Chandler 24804% 24805I know if you been talkin' you done said 24806just how surprised you wuz by the living dead. 24807You wuz surprised that they could understand you words 24808and never respond once to all the truth they heard. 24809But don't you get square! 24810There ain't no rule that says they got to care. 24811They can always swear they're deaf, dumb and blind. 24812% 24813I know it all. I just can't remember it all at once. 24814% 24815I know not how I came into this, 24816shall I call it a dying life or a living death? 24817 -- St. Augustine 24818% 24819"I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World 24820War IV will be fought with sticks and stones." 24821 -- Albert Einstein 24822% 24823I know on which side my bread is buttered. 24824 -- John Heywood 24825% 24826"I know the answer! The answer lies within the heart of all mankind! 24827The answer is twelve? I think I'm in the wrong building." 24828 -- Charles Schulz 24829% 24830I know the disposition of women: when you will, they won't; when 24831you won't, they set their hearts upon you of their own inclination. 24832 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 24833% 24834I know what "custody" [of the children] means. "Get even." That's all 24835custody means. Get even with your old lady. 24836 -- Lenny Bruce 24837% 24838"I know what you're thinking -- `Did he fire six shots or only five?' 24839Well, to tell you the truth, in all the excitement, I kind of lost track 24840myself. But being this is a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the 24841world, and would blow your head clean off, you've got to ask yourself 24842one question: `Do I feel lucky?' Well, do you, punk?" 24843 -- Harry Callahan, badge #2211 24844% 24845I know you believe you understand what you think this fortune says, 24846but I'm not sure you realize that what you are reading is not what 24847it means. 24848% 24849I know you think you thought you knew what you thought I said, 24850but I'm not sure you understood what you thought I meant. 24851% 24852I know you're in search of yourself, I just haven't seen you anywhere. 24853% 24854I lately lost a preposition; 24855It hid, I thought, beneath my chair 24856And angrily I cried, "Perdition! 24857Up from out of under there." 24858 24859Correctness is my vade mecum, 24860And straggling phrases I abhor, 24861And yet I wondered, "What should he come 24862Up from out of under for?" 24863 -- Morris Bishop 24864% 24865I lay my head on the railroad tracks, 24866Waitin' for the double E. 24867The railroad don't run no more. 24868Poor poor pitiful me. [chorus] 24869 Poor poor pitiful me, poor poor pitiful me. 24870 These young girls won't let me be, 24871 Lord have mercy on me! 24872 Woe is me! 24873 24874Well, I met a girl, West Hollywood, 24875Well, I ain't naming names. 24876But she really worked me over good, 24877She was just like Jesse James. 24878She really worked me over good, 24879She was a credit to her gender. 24880She put me through some changes, boy, 24881Sort of like a Waring blender. [chorus] 24882 24883I met a girl at the Rainbow Bar, 24884She asked me if I'd beat her. 24885She took me back to the Hyatt House, 24886I don't want to talk about it. [chorus] 24887 -- Warren Zevon, "Poor Poor Pitiful Me" 24888% 24889I learned to play guitar just to get the girls, and anyone who says they 24890didn't is just lyin'! 24891 -- Willie Nelson 24892% 24893"I like being single. I'm always there when I need me." 24894 -- Art Leo 24895% 24896I like myself, but I won't say I'm as handsome as the bull 24897that kidnapped Europa. 24898 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero 24899% 24900I like to believe that people in the long run are going to do more to 24901promote peace than our governments. Indeed, I think that people want 24902peace so much that one of these days governments had better get out of 24903the way and let them have it. 24904 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 24905% 24906"I like work ... I can sit and watch it for hours." 24907% 24908I like work; it fascinates me; I can sit and look at it for hours. 24909% 24910I like young girls. Their stories are shorter. 24911 -- Tom McGuane 24912% 24913"I like your game but we have to change the rules." 24914% 24915I live the way I type; fast, with a lot of mistakes. 24916% 24917I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts 24918to bite people themselves. 24919 -- August Strindberg 24920% 24921I look at life as being cruise director on the Titanic. 24922I may not get there, but I'm going first class. 24923 -- Art Buchwald 24924% 24925I love being married. It's so great to find that one special 24926person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 24927 -- Rita Rudner 24928% 24929I love children. Especially when they cry -- for then 24930someone takes them away. 24931 -- Nancy Mitford 24932% 24933I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas. A Chihuahua isn't a dog. 24934It's a rat with a thyroid problem. 24935% 24936I love mankind ... It's people I hate. 24937 -- Schulz 24938% 24939I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I've ever known. 24940 -- Walt Disney 24941% 24942"I love Saturday morning cartoons, what classic humour! This is what 24943entertainment is all about ... Idiots, explosives and falling anvils." 24944 -- Calvin and Hobbes, Bill Watterson 24945% 24946I love the smell of napalm in the morning. 24947 -- Robert Duval, "Apocalypse Now" 24948% 24949"I love to eat them Smurfies 24950 Smurfies what I love to eat 24951 Bite they ugly heads off, 24952 Nibble on they bluish feet." 24953% 24954I love treason but hate a traitor. 24955 -- Gaius Julius Caesar 24956% 24957I love you more than anything in this world. I don't expect that will last. 24958 -- Elvis Costello 24959% 24960I love you, not only for what you are, 24961but for what I am when I am with you. 24962 -- Roy Croft 24963% 24964I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might 24965commit some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it 24966irresistible. 24967 -- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer" 24968% 24969I married beneath me. All women do. 24970 -- Lady Nancy Astor 24971% 24972"I may appear to be just sitting here like a bucket of tapioca, but 24973don't let appearances fool you. I'm approaching old age ... at the 24974speed of light." 24975 -- Prof. Cosmo Fishhawk 24976% 24977I may be getting older, but I refuse to grow up! 24978% 24979I may kid around about drugs, but really, I take them seriously. 24980 -- Doctor Graper 24981% 24982"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent." 24983 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 24984% 24985I met a wonderful new man. He's fictional, but you can't have everything. 24986 -- Cecelia, "The Purple Rose of Cairo" 24987% 24988I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah 24989Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda 24990 S-O-D-A soda 24991I saw the little runt sitting there on a log 24992I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda 24993 Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 24994 24995Well I've been around but I ain't never seen 24996A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green 24997 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 24998Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand 24999How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand 25000 Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda 25001 -- The STAR WARS Song, to "Lola", by the Kinks 25002% 25003I met my latest girl friend in a department store. She was looking at 25004clothes, and I was putting Slinkys on the escalators. 25005 -- Steven Wright 25006% 25007I might have gone to West Point, but I was too proud to speak to a 25008congressman. 25009 -- Will Rogers 25010% 25011I must Create a System, or be enslav'd by another Man's; 25012I will not Reason and Compare; my business is to Create. 25013 -- William Blake, "Jerusalem" 25014% 25015I must get out of these wet clothes and into a dry Martini. 25016 -- Alexander Woollcott 25017% 25018"I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a 25019week sometimes to make it up." 25020 -- Mark Twain, "The Innocents Abroad" 25021% 25022I must have slipped a disk -- my pack hurts! 25023% 25024I myself have dreamed up a structure intermediate between Dyson spheres 25025and planets. Build a ring 93 million miles in radius -- one Earth orbit 25026-- around the sun. If we have the mass of Jupiter to work with, and if 25027we make it a thousand miles wide, we get a thickness of about a thousand 25028feet for the base. 25029 25030And it has advantages. The Ringworld will be much sturdier than a Dyson 25031sphere. We can spin it on its axis for gravity. A rotation speed of 770 25032m/s will give us a gravity of one Earth normal. We wouldn't even need to 25033roof it over. Place walls one thousand miles high at each edge, facing the 25034sun. Very little air will leak over the edges. 25035 25036Lord knows the thing is roomy enough. With three million times the surface 25037area of the Earth, it will be some time before anyone complains of the 25038crowding. 25039 -- Larry Niven, "Ringworld" 25040% 25041I need another lawyer like I need another hole in my head. 25042 -- Fratianno 25043% 25044I needed the good will of the legislature of four states. I formed the 25045legislative bodies with my own money. I found that it was cheaper that 25046way. 25047 -- Jay Gould 25048% 25049I never cheated an honest man, only rascals. They wanted 25050something for nothing. I gave them nothing for something. 25051 -- Joseph "Yellow Kid" Weil 25052% 25053I never deny, I never contradict. I sometimes forget. 25054 -- Benjamin Disraeli, British PM, on dealing with the 25055 Royal Family 25056% 25057I never did it that way before. 25058% 25059I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the 25060places they do today. 25061 -- Will Rogers 25062% 25063I never failed to convince an audience that the best thing they 25064could do was to go away. 25065% 25066I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception. 25067 -- Groucho Marx 25068% 25069I never killed a man that didn't deserve it. 25070 -- Mickey Cohen 25071% 25072I never loved another person the way I loved myself. 25073 -- Mae West 25074% 25075I never made a mistake in my life. 25076I thought I did once, but I was wrong. 25077 -- Lucy Van Pelt 25078% 25079I never met a man I didn't want to fight. 25080 -- Lyle Alzado, professional football lineman 25081% 25082"I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like." 25083% 25084I never pray before meals -- my mom's a good cook. 25085% 25086I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers; 25087what I said was all saloonkeepers were Democrats. 25088% 25089I never saw a purple cow 25090I never hope to see one 25091But I can tell you anyhow 25092I'd rather see than be one. 25093 -- Gellett Burgess 25094 25095I've never seen a purple cow 25096I never hope to see one 25097But from the milk we're getting now 25098There certainly must be one 25099 -- Ogden Nash 25100 25101Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow" 25102I'm sorry now I wrote it 25103But I can tell you anyhow 25104I'll kill you if you quote it. 25105 -- Gellett Burgess, many years later 25106% 25107I never take work home with me; I always leave it in some bar along the way. 25108% 25109I never vote for anyone. I always vote against. 25110 -- W. C. Fields 25111% 25112I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation. 25113 -- George Bernard Shaw 25114% 25115I only know what I read in the papers. 25116 -- Will Rogers 25117% 25118"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!" 25119 -- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus) 25120% 25121I opened the drawer of my little desk and a single letter fell out, a 25122letter from my mother, written in pencil, one of her last, with unfinished 25123words and an implicit sense of her departure. It's so curious: one can 25124resist tears and "behave" very well in the hardest hours of grief. But 25125then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window... or one notices 25126that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed... or 25127a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. 25128 -- Letters From Colette 25129% 25130I owe, I owe, 25131It's off to work I go... 25132% 25133I owe the government $3400 in taxes. So I sent them two hammers and a 25134toilet seat. 25135 -- Michael McShane 25136% 25137I owe the public nothing. 25138 -- J. P. Morgan 25139% 25140I place economy among the first and most important virtues, and public debt as 25141the greatest of dangers to be feared. To preserve our independence, we must 25142not let our rulers load us with perpetual debt. If we run into such debts, we 25143must be taxed in our meat and drink, in our necessities and in our comforts, 25144in our labor and in our amusements. If we can prevent the government from 25145wasting the labor of the people, under the pretense of caring for them, they 25146will be happy. 25147 -- Thomas Jefferson 25148% 25149I played lead guitar in a band called The Federal Duck, which is the 25150kind of name that was popular in the '60s as a result of controlled 25151substances being in widespread use. Back then, there were no 25152restrictions, in terms of talent, on who could make an album, so we 25153made one, and it sounds like a group of people who have been given 25154powerful but unfamiliar instruments as a therapy for a degenerative 25155nerve disease. 25156 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" 25157% 25158I pledge allegiance to the flag 25159of the United States of America 25160and to the republic for which it stands, 25161one nation, 25162indivisible, 25163with liberty 25164and justice for all. 25165 -- Francis Bellamy, 1892 25166% 25167I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. 25168 -- Steven Wright 25169% 25170I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow! 25171% 25172I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest. 25173 -- Alexandre Dumas the Younger 25174% 25175I prefer the most unjust peace to the most righteous war. 25176 -- Cicero 25177 25178Even peace may be purchased at too high a price. 25179 -- Poor Richard 25180% 25181"I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral 25182slob." 25183 -- William F. Buckley 25184% 25185I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats 25186on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. 25187 -- Steven Wright 25188% 25189I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time. 25190 -- Steven Wright 25191% 25192I put the shotgun in an Adidas bag and padded it out with four pairs of 25193tennis socks, not my style at all, but that was what I was aiming for: If 25194they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, go 25195crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I decided to get as crude as possible. 25196These days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even 25197aspire to crudeness. 25198 -- William Gibson, "Johnny Mnemonic" 25199% 25200I put up my thumb... and it blotted out the planet Earth. 25201 -- Neil Armstrong 25202% 25203I quite agree with you, said the Duchess; and the moral of that is -- "Be 25204what you would seem to be" -- or, if you'd like it put more simply -- "Never 25205imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it might appear to others 25206that what you were or might have been was not otherwise than what you had 25207been would have appeared to them to be otherwise." 25208% 25209I read a column by George Will that Scarface should be rated X because 25210parents were taking their children to see it. So what? Why should the 25211motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality? 25212 Dad says to Mom, "Honey, Scarface is in town." 25213 "What's it about?" 25214 "Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals." 25215 "Sounds great! Let's take the kids!" 25216 -- Ian Shoales 25217% 25218I read Playboy for the same reason I read National Geographic. 25219To see the sights I'm never going to visit. 25220% 25221I read the newspaper avidly. It is my one form of continuous fiction. 25222 -- Aneurin Bevan 25223% 25224I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that 25225the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional 25226congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile 25227so we can be free to concern ourselves with getting hold of the 25228plumber. 25229 25230But from time to time, I feel I must address major public issues such 25231as this, because in a free and open society, where the very future of 25232the world hinges on decisions made by our elected leaders, you never 25233win large cash journalism awards if you stick to the topics I usually 25234write about, such as nose-picking. 25235 -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against 25236 Political Fallout" 25237% 25238I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines. 25239 -- Marilyn Chambers 25240% 25241I really hate this damned machine 25242I wish that they would sell it. 25243It never does quite what I want 25244But only what I tell it. 25245% 25246I really look with commiseration over the great body of my fellow citizens 25247who, reading newspapers, live and die in the belief that they have known 25248something of what has been passing in the world in their time. 25249 -- Thomas Jefferson 25250% 25251I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the 25252wall that didn't do anything... so anytime I had nothing to do, I'd just 25253flick that switch up and down... up and down... up and down... 25254Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany... it just said 25255"Cut it out." 25256 -- Steven Wright 25257% 25258I recognize terror as the finest emotion and so I will try to terrorize the 25259reader. But if I find that I cannot terrify, I will try to horrify, and if 25260I find that I cannot horrify, I'll go for the gross-out. 25261 -- Stephen King 25262% 25263I refuse to consign the whole male sex to the nursery. I insist on 25264believing that some men are my equals. 25265 -- Brigid Brophy 25266% 25267"I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person." 25268% 25269I remember once being on a station platform in Cleveland at four in the 25270morning. A black porter was carrying my bags, and as we were waiting for 25271the train to come in, he said to me: "Excuse me, Mr. Cooke, I don't want to 25272invade your privacy, but I have a bet with a friend of mine. Who composed 25273the opening theme music of `Omnibus'? My friend said Virgil Thomson." I 25274asked him, "What do you say?" He replied, "I say Aaron Copeland." I said, 25275"You're right." The porter said, "I knew Thomson doesn't write counterpoint 25276that way." I told that to a network president, and he was deeply unimpressed. 25277 -- Alistair Cooke 25278% 25279I remember Ulysses well... Left one day for the post office 25280to mail a letter, met a blonde named Circe on the streetcar, 25281and didn't come back for 20 years. 25282% 25283I remember when legal used to mean lawful, now it means some 25284kind of loophole. 25285 -- Leo Kessler 25286% 25287I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it 25288looks like I'm the only one moving. 25289 -- Steven Wright 25290% 25291I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education. 25292 -- Wilson Mizner 25293% 25294I respect the institution of marriage. I have always thought that every 25295woman should marry -- and no man. 25296 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Lothair" 25297% 25298I reverently believe that the maker who made us all makes everything in New 25299England, but the weather. I don't know who makes that, but I think it must be 25300raw apprentices in the weather-clerks factory who experiment and learn how, in 25301New England, for board and clothes, and then are promoted to make weather for 25302countries that require a good article, and will take their custom elsewhere 25303if they don't get it. 25304 -- Mark Twain 25305% 25306"I said, "Preacher, give me strength for round 5." 25307He said,"What you need is to grow up, son." 25308I said,"Growin' up leads to growin' old, 25309And then to dying, and to me that don't sound like much fun." 25310 -- John Cougar, "The Authority Song" 25311% 25312I sat down beside her, said hello, offered to buy her a drink... 25313and then natural selection reared its ugly head. 25314% 25315I saw a man pursuing the Horizon, 25316'Round and round they sped. 25317I was disturbed at this, 25318I accosted the man, 25319"It is futile," I said. 25320"You can never--" 25321"You lie!" He cried, 25322and ran on. 25323 -- Stephen Crane 25324% 25325I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second. 25326 -- Steven Wright 25327% 25328I saw Lassie. It took me four shows to figure out why the hairy kid 25329never spoke. I mean, he could roll over and all that, but did that 25330deserve a series?" 25331% 25332I saw what you did and I know who you are. 25333% 25334I see a bad moon rising. 25335I see trouble on the way. 25336I see earthquakes and lightnin' 25337I see bad times today. 25338Don't go 'round tonight, 25339It's bound to take your life. 25340There's a bad moon on the rise. 25341 -- J. C. Fogerty, "Bad Moon Rising" 25342% 25343I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope 25344they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em. 25345 -- Will Rogers 25346% 25347I see the eigenvalue in thine eye, 25348I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh. 25349Bernoulli would have been content to die 25350Had he but known such _a-squared cos 2(phi)! 25351 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 25352% 25353I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neighbors to 25354the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about 25355us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart. 25356 -- The Best of Will Rogers 25357% 25358I sent a letter to the fish, 25359I told them, "This is what I wish." 25360The little fishes of the sea, 25361They sent an answer back to me. 25362The little fishes' answer was 25363"We cannot do it, sir, because ..." 25364I sent a letter back to say 25365It would be better to obey. 25366But someone came to me and said 25367"The little fishes are in bed." 25368I said to him, and I said it plain 25369"Then you must wake them up again." 25370I said it very loud and clear, 25371I went and shouted in his ear. 25372But he was very stiff and proud, 25373He said "You needn't shout so loud." 25374And he was very proud and stiff, 25375He said "I'll go and wake them if ..." 25376I took a kettle from the shelf, 25377I went to wake them up myself. 25378But when I found the door was locked 25379I pulled and pushed and kicked and knocked, 25380And when I found the door was shut, 25381I tried to turn the handle, But ... 25382 25383 "Is that all?" asked Alice. 25384 "That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye." 25385 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 25386% 25387I sent a message to another time, 25388But as the days unwind -- this I just can't believe, 25389I sent a message to another plane, 25390Maybe it's all a game -- but this I just can't conceive. 25391... 25392I met someone who looks at lot like you, 25393She does the things you do, but she is an IBM. 25394She's only programmed to be very nice, 25395But she's as cold as ice, whenever I get too near, 25396She tells me that she likes me very much, 25397But when I try to touch, she makes it all too clear. 25398... 25399I realize that it must seem so strange, 25400That time has rearranged, but time has the final word, 25401She knows I think of you, she reads my mind, 25402She tries to be unkind, she knows nothing of our world. 25403 -- ELO, "Yours Truly, 2095" 25404% 25405I shall come to you in the night and we shall see who is stronger -- 25406a little girl who won't eat her dinner or a great big man with cocaine 25407in his veins. 25408 -- Sigmund Freud, in a letter to his fiancee 25409% 25410I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether 25411it is plausible or not. The victor will not be asked afterwards whether 25412he told the truth or not. When starting and waging war it is not right 25413that matters, but victory. 25414 -- Adolf Hitler 25415% 25416I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck. 25417 -- graffito in Los Angeles 25418 25419On a clear day, 25420U.C.L.A. 25421 -- graffito in San Francisco 25422 25423There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our 25424lungs there'd be no place to put it all. 25425 -- Robert Orben 25426% 25427I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck. 25428 -- Graffito in Los Angeles 25429% 25430I should have been a country-western singer. After all, I'm older than 25431most western countries. 25432 -- George Burns 25433% 25434I smell a wumpus. 25435% 25436I sold my memoirs of my love life to Parker 25437Brothers -- they're going to make a game out of it. 25438 -- Woody Allen 25439% 25440I sometimes think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his 25441ability. 25442 -- Oscar Wilde 25443% 25444I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone. 25445 -- Steven Wright 25446% 25447"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full 25448house and four people died." 25449 -- Steven Wright 25450% 25451I steal. 25452 -- Sam Giancana, explaining his livelihood to his draft board 25453 25454Easy. I own Chicago. I own Miami. I own Las Vegas. 25455 -- Sam Giancana, when asked what he did for a living 25456% 25457I stick my neck out for nobody. 25458 -- Humphrey Bogart, "Casablanca" 25459% 25460I stood on the leading edge, 25461The eastern seaboard at my feet. 25462"Jump!" said Yoko Ono 25463I'm too scared and good-looking, I cried. 25464Go on and give it a try, 25465Why prolong the agony, all men must die. 25466 -- Roger Waters, "The Pros and Cons of Hitchhiking" 25467% 25468"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to 25469see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph." 25470 -- Shirley Temple 25471% 25472I suggest a new strategy, R2: let the Wookiee win. 25473 -- C-3PO 25474% 25475I suggest you locate your hot tub outside your house, so it won't do 25476too much damage if it catches fire or explodes. First you decide which 25477direction your hot tub should face for maximum solar energy. After 25478much trial and error, I have found that the best direction for a hot 25479tub to face is up. 25480 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 25481% 25482I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school, 25483Or steal my daddy's cue and make a living out of playing pool, 25484Or find myself a rock 'n' roll band, 25485That needs a helping hand, 25486Oh, Maggie I wish I'd never seen your face. 25487 -- Rod Stewart, "Maggie May" 25488% 25489I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the 25490country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which 25491I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving 25492are worth considering, to wit: 25493 25494[110.13]: 25495 "When traveling on a one-way street, stay to the right, so as not 25496 to interfere with oncoming traffic." 25497 25498[22.17b]: 25499 "Learning to change lanes takes time and patience. The best 25500 recommendation that can be made is to go to a Celtics [basketball] 25501 game; study the fast break and then go out and practice it 25502 on the highway." 25503 25504[41.16]: 25505 "Never bump a baby carriage out of a crosswalk unless the kid's really 25506 asking for it." 25507% 25508I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the 25509country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which 25510I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving 25511are worth considering, to wit: 25512 25513[131.16d]: 25514 "Directional signals are generally not used except during vehicle 25515 inspection; however, a left-turn signal is appropriate when making 25516 a U-turn on a divided highway." 25517 25518[96.7b]: 25519 "When paying tolls, remember that it is necessary to release the 25520 quarter a full 3 seconds before passing the basket if you are 25521 traveling more than 60 MPH." 25522% 25523I suppose some of the variation between Boston drivers and the rest of the 25524country is due to the progressive Massachusetts Driver Education Manual which 25525I happen to have in my top desk drawer. Some of the Tips for Better Driving 25526are worth considering, to wit: 25527 25528[173.15b]: 25529 "When competing for a section of road or a parking space, remember 25530 that the vehicle in need of the most body work has the right-of-way." 25531 25532[141.2a]: 25533 "Although it is altogether possible to fit a 6' car into a 6' 25534 parking space, it is hardly ever possible to fit a 6' car into 25535 a 5' parking space." 25536 25537[105.31]: 25538 "Teenage drivers believe that they are immortal, and drive accordingly. 25539 Nevertheless, you should avoid the temptation to prove them wrong." 25540% 25541I suppose that in a few hours I will sober up. That's such a sad 25542thought. I think I'll have a few more drinks to prepare myself. 25543% 25544"I suppose you expect me to talk." 25545"No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to die." 25546 -- Goldfinger 25547% 25548I tell them to turn to the study of mathematics, for it 25549is only there that they might escape the lusts of the flesh. 25550 -- Thomas Mann, "The Magic Mountain" 25551% 25552I tell ya, drugs never worked out for me. The first time I tried smoking 25553pot I didn't know what I was doing. I smoked half the joint, got the 25554munchies, and ate the other half. 25555 25556Well, the first time I tried coke I was so embarrassed. I kept getting the 25557bottle stuck up my nose. 25558 -- Rodney Dangerfield 25559% 25560I tell ya, gambling never agreed with me. Last week I went to the track 25561and they shot my horse with the opening gun. 25562 25563Well, just last week I was at a Chinese restaurant and when I opened my 25564fortune cookie I found the guy's check sitting at the next table. I said, 25565"Hey, buddy, I got your check", he said, "Thanks." 25566 -- Rodney Dangerfield 25567% 25568I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt 25569the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, 25570I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom. 25571 -- Rodney Dangerfield 25572% 25573I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad 25574kept the kid's picture that came with the wallet he bought. 25575 -- Rodney Dangerfield 25576% 25577I think... I think it's in my basement... Let me go upstairs and check. 25578 -- M. C. Escher 25579% 25580I think a relationship is like a shark. It has to constantly move forward 25581or it dies. Well, what we have on our hands here is a dead shark. 25582 -- Woody Allen 25583% 25584I think all right-thinking people in this country are sick and tired of 25585being told that ordinary, decent people are fed up in this country with being 25586sick and tired. I'm certainly not! But I'm sick and tired of being told 25587that I am! 25588 -- Monty Python 25589% 25590"I think he said `Blessed are the cheesemakers.'" 25591"Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of dairy products." 25592 -- The Life of Brian 25593% 25594I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee. 25595 -- William Shakespeare 25596% 25597I think I'm schizophrenic. One half of me's 25598paranoid and the other half's out to get him. 25599% 25600"I think it is true for all _n. I was just playing it safe with _n >= 3 25601because I couldn't remember the proof." 25602 -- Baker, Pure Math 351a 25603% 25604I THINK MAN INVENTED THE CAR by instinct. 25605 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. 25606% 25607"I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it." 25608% 25609I think she must have been very strictly brought up, she's so 25610desperately anxious to do the wrong thing correctly. 25611 -- H. H. Munro, a.k.a. Saki, "Reginald on Worries" 25612% 25613I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick 25614and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this 25615country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people 25616in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly 25617not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am. 25618 -- Monty Python 25619% 25620I think that God in creating man somewhat overestimated his ability. 25621 -- Oscar Wilde 25622% 25623I think that I shall never hear 25624A poem lovelier than beer. 25625The stuff that Joe's Bar has on tap, 25626With golden base and snowy cap. 25627The stuff that I can drink all day 25628Until my mem'ry melts away. 25629Poems are made by fools, I fear 25630But only Schlitz can make a beer. 25631% 25632I think that I shall never see 25633A billboard lovely as a tree. 25634Perhaps, unless the billboards fall 25635I'll never see a tree at all. 25636 -- Ogden Nash 25637% 25638I think that I shall never see 25639A thing as lovely as a tree. 25640But as you see the trees have gone 25641They went this morning with the dawn. 25642A logging firm from out of town 25643Came and chopped the trees all down. 25644But I will trick those dirty skunks 25645And write a brand new poem called "Trunks". 25646% 25647I think the sky is blue because it's a shift from black through purple 25648to blue, and it has to do with where the light is. You know, the 25649farther we get into darkness, and there's a shifting of color of light 25650into the blueness, and I think as you go farther and farther away from 25651the reflected light we have from the sun or the light that's bouncing 25652off this earth, uh, the darker it gets ... I think if you look at the 25653color scale, you start at black, move it through purple, move it on 25654out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars 25655singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors. 25656 -- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club 25657% 25658I think the world is ready for the story of an ugly duckling, who grew up to 25659remain an ugly duckling, and lived happily ever after. 25660 -- Chick 25661% 25662I think the world is run by C students. 25663 -- Al McGuire 25664% 25665I think the world would be a more peaceful place if people 25666could just keep their fingers out of the fortune files. 25667 -- Jordan K. Hubbard 25668% 25669I THINK THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING in science called the "reindeer effect." 25670I don't know what it would be, but I think it'd be good to hear someone 25671say, "Gentlemen, what we have here is a terrifying example of the reindeer 25672effect." 25673 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. 25674% 25675I think, therefore I am... I think. 25676% 25677I think there's a world market for about five computers. 25678 -- attr. Thomas J. Watson (Chairman of the Board, IBM), 1943 25679% 25680I THINK THEY SHOULD CONTINUE the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for 25681paneling. 25682 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. 25683% 25684I think we are in Rats Alley where the dead men lost their bones. 25685 -- T. S. Eliot 25686% 25687I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown 25688... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think 25689we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today. 25690When we take the time to be courteous to each other, we find that we 25691are happier and less likely to engage in nuclear war. This point was 25692driven home by the recent summit talks, where Nancy Reagan and Raisa 25693Gorbachev, each of whose husband thinks the other's husband is vermin, 25694were able to sit down at a high-level tea and engage in courteous 25695conversation ... 25696 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 25697% 25698I think we're all Bozos on this bus. 25699 -- Firesign Theatre 25700% 25701I think we're in trouble. 25702 -- Han Solo 25703% 25704I think your opinions are reasonable, 25705except for the one about my mental instability. 25706 -- Psychology Professor, Fairfield University 25707% 25708"I thought that you said you were 20 years old!" 25709"As a programmer, yes," she replied, 25710"And you claimed to be very near two meters tall!" 25711"You said you were blonde, but you lied!" 25712Oh, she was a hacker and he was one, too, 25713They had so much in common, you'd say. 25714They exchanged jokes and poems, and clever new hacks, 25715And prompts that were cute or risque'. 25716He sent her a picture of his brother Sam, 25717She sent one from some past high school day, 25718And it might have gone on for the rest of their lives, 25719If they hadn't met in L.A. 25720"Your beard is an armpit," she said in disgust. 25721He answered, "Your armpit's a beard!" 25722And they chorused: "I think I could stand all the rest 25723If you were not so totally weird!" 25724If she had not said what he wanted to hear, 25725And he had not done just the same, 25726They'd have been far more honest, and never have met, 25727And would not have had fun with the game. 25728 -- Judith Schrier, "Face to Face After Six Months of 25729 Electronic Mail" 25730% 25731I thought there was something fishy about the butler. Probably a Pisces, 25732working for scale. 25733 -- Firesign Theatre, "The Further Adventures of Nick Danger" 25734% 25735I thought YOU silenced the guard! 25736% 25737"I thought you were trying to get into shape." 25738"I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle." 25739% 25740I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." 25741One of them said, "So will you." 25742 -- Rodney Dangerfield 25743% 25744I took a course in speed reading, learning to read straight down the middle 25745of the page, and I was able to go through "War and Peace" in twenty minutes. 25746It's about Russia. 25747 -- Woody Allen 25748% 25749I treasure this strange combination found in very few persons: a fierce 25750desire for life as well as a lucid perception of the ultimate futility of 25751the quest. 25752 -- Madeleine Gobeil 25753% 25754I truly wish I could be a great surgeon or philosopher or author or anything 25755constructive, but in all honesty I'd rather turn up my amplifier full blast 25756and drown myself in the noise. 25757 -- Charles Schmid, the "Tucson Murderer" 25758% 25759I trust the first lion he meets will do his duty. 25760 -- J. P. Morgan on Teddy Roosevelt's safari 25761% 25762I try not to break the rules but merely to test their elasticity. 25763 -- Bill Veeck 25764% 25765I try to keep an open mind, but not so open that my brains fall out. 25766 -- Judge Harold T. Stone 25767% 25768I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got cold out. 25769The weatherman said "I don't understand it. I was supposed to be 80 25770degrees today," and I said "Oops." 25771 25772In my house on the ceilings I have paintings of the rooms above... so 25773I never have to go upstairs. 25774 25775I just bought a microwave fireplace... You can spend an evening in 25776front of it in only eight minutes. 25777 -- Steven Wright 25778% 25779I understand why you're confused. You're thinking too much. 25780 -- Carole Wallach 25781% 25782I use not only all the brains I have, but all those I can borrow as well. 25783 -- Woodrow Wilson 25784% 25785I use technology in order to hate it more properly. 25786 -- Nam June Paik 25787% 25788I used to be a rebel in my youth. 25789This cause... that cause... (chuckle) I backed 'em ALL! But I learned. 25790Rebellion is simply a device used by the immature to hide from his own 25791problems. So I lost interest in politics. Now when I feel aroused by 25792a civil rights case or a passport hearing... I realize it's just a device. 25793I go to my analyst and we work it out. You have no idea how much better 25794I feel these days. 25795 -- J. Feiffer 25796% 25797I used to be an agnostic, but now I'm not so sure. 25798% 25799I used to be disgusted, now I find I'm just amused. 25800 -- Elvis Costello 25801% 25802I used to be Snow White, but I drifted. 25803 -- Mae West 25804% 25805I used to be such a sweet sweet thing, 'til they got a hold of me, 25806I opened doors for little old ladies, I helped the blind to see, 25807I got no friends 'cause they read the papers, they can't be seen, 25808With me, and I'm feelin' real shot down, 25809And I'm, uh, feelin' mean, 25810 No more, Mr. Nice Guy, 25811 No more, Mr. Clean, 25812 No more, Mr. Nice Guy, 25813They say "He's sick, he's obscene". 25814 25815My dog bit me on the leg today, my cat clawed my eyes, 25816Ma's been thrown out of the social circle, and Dad has to hide, 25817I went to church, incognito, when everybody rose, 25818The reverend Smithy, he recognized me, 25819And punched me in the nose, he said, 25820(chorus) 25821He said "You're sick, you're obscene". 25822 -- Alice Cooper, "No More Mr. Nice Guy" 25823% 25824"I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance." 25825% 25826I used to have a drinking problem. 25827Now I love the stuff. 25828% 25829I used to live in a house by the freeway. When I went anywhere, I had 25830to be going 65 MPH by the end of my driveway. 25831 25832I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks 25833like I'm the only one moving. 25834 25835I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, "Don't you know 25836the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?" And I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going 25837to be out that long." 25838 25839I put a new engine in my car, but didn't take the old one out. Now 25840my car goes 500 miles an hour. 25841 -- Steven Wright 25842% 25843I used to think I was a child; now I think I am an adult -- not because 25844I no longer do childish things, but because those I call adults are no 25845more mature than I am. 25846% 25847"I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure." 25848% 25849I used to think romantic love was a neurosis shared by two, a supreme 25850foolishness. I no longer thought that. There's nothing foolish in 25851loving anyone. Thinking you'll be loved in return is what's foolish. 25852 -- Rita Mae Brown 25853% 25854"I used to think that the brain was the most wonderful organ in my 25855body. Then I realized who was telling me this." 25856 -- Emo Phillips 25857% 25858I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere 25859near the place. 25860 -- Steven Wright 25861% 25862I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to 25863animals. I don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for 25864anything connected with society except that which makes the roads 25865safer, the beer stronger, the food cheaper, and old men and women 25866warmer in the winter, and happier in the summer. 25867 -- Brendan Behan 25868% 25869I waited and waited and when no message came I knew it must be from you. 25870% 25871I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law. 25872 -- Martin Luther King, Jr. 25873% 25874"I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch `St. 25875Elsewhere', won't scream, `FORGET IT, BLANCHE ... IT'S TIME FOR "HEE 25876HAW"!!'" 25877 -- Berke Breathed, "Bloom County" 25878% 25879I want to buy a husband who, every week when I sit down to watch "St. 25880Elsewhere", won't scream, "Forget it, Blanche... It's time for Hee-Haw!" 25881% 25882I want to kill everyone here with a cute colorful Hydrogen Bomb!! 25883 -- Zippy the Pinhead 25884% 25885I want to marry a girl just like the girl that married dear old dad. 25886 -- Freud 25887% 25888I want to reach your mind -- where is it currently located? 25889% 25890I was appalled by this story of the destruction of a member of a valued 25891endangered species. It's all very well to celebrate the practicality of 25892pigs by ennobling the porcine sibling who constructed his home out of 25893bricks and mortar. But to wantonly destroy a wolf, even one with an 25894excessive taste for porkers, is unconscionable in these ecologically 25895critical times when both man and his domestic beasts continue to maraud 25896the earth. 25897 Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing" 25898% 25899I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I 25900ordered French Toast in the Renaissance. 25901 -- Steven Wright 25902% 25903I was born because it was a habit in those days, people didn't know 25904anything else ... I was not a Child Prodigy, because a Child Prodigy is 25905a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows 25906up. 25907 -- Will Rogers 25908% 25909I was born in a barrel of butcher knives 25910Trouble I love and peace I despise 25911Wild horses kicked me in my side 25912Then a rattlesnake bit me and he walked off and died. 25913 -- Bo Diddley 25914% 25915I was drunk last night, crawled home across the lawn. By accident I 25916put the car key in the door lock. The house started up. So I figured 25917what the hell, and drove it around the block a few times. I thought I 25918should go park it in the middle of the freeway and yell at everyone to 25919get off my driveway. 25920 -- Steven Wright 25921% 25922I was eatin' some chop suey, 25923With a lady in St. Louie, 25924When there sudden comes a knockin' at the door. 25925And that knocker, he says, "Honey, 25926Roll this rocker out some money, 25927Or your daddy shoots a baddie to the floor." 25928 -- Mr. Miggle 25929% 25930"I was gratified to be able to answer promptly, and I did. I said I 25931didn't know." 25932 -- Mark Twain 25933% 25934I was in a bar and I walked up to a beautiful woman and said, "Do you live 25935around here often?" She said, "You're wearing two different-color socks." 25936I said, "Yes, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." 25937She said, "How do you feel?" And I said, "You know when you're sitting on a 25938chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so 25939you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like 25940that all the time..." 25941 -- Steven Wright, "Gentlemen's Quarterly" 25942% 25943I was in a beauty contest once. I not only came in last, I was hit in 25944the mouth by Miss Congeniality. 25945 -- Phyllis Diller 25946% 25947I was in accord with the system so long as it 25948permitted me to function effectively. 25949 -- Albert Speer 25950% 25951I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all 25952these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these 25953kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and 25954I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been 25955avoiding the beach. 25956 -- Lucinda Childs "Einstein On The Beach" 25957% 25958I was in Vegas last week. I was at the roulette table, having a 25959lengthy argument about what I considered an Odd number. 25960 -- Steven Wright 25961% 25962I was offered a job as a hoodlum and I turned it down cold. A thief is 25963anybody who gets out and works for his living, like robbing a bank or 25964breaking into a place and stealing stuff, or kidnapping somebody. He really 25965gives some effort to it. A hoodlum is a pretty lousy sort of scum. He 25966works for gangsters and bumps guys off when they have been put on the spot. 25967Why, after I'd made my rep, some of the Chicago Syndicate wanted me to work 25968for them as a hood -- you know, handling a machine gun. They offered me 25969two hundred and fifty dollars a week and all the protection I needed. I 25970was on the lam at the time and not able to work at my regular line. But 25971I wouldn't consider it. "I'm a thief," I said. "I'm no lousy hoodlum." 25972 -- Alvin Karpis, "Public Enemy Number One" 25973% 25974I was part of that strange race of people aptly described as spending 25975their lives doing things they detest to make money they don't want to 25976buy things they don't need to impress people they dislike. 25977 -- Emile Henry Gauvreay 25978% 25979I was playing poker the other night ... with Tarot cards. I got a full 25980house and four people died. 25981 -- Steven Wright 25982% 25983I was the best I ever had. 25984 -- Woody Allen 25985% 25986I was toilet-trained at gunpoint. 25987 -- Billy Braver 25988% 25989I was working on a case. It had to be a case, because I couldn't afford a 25990desk. Then I saw her. This tall blond lady. She must have been tall 25991because I was on the third floor. She rolled her deep blue eyes towards 25992me. I picked them up and rolled them back. We kissed. She screamed. I 25993took the cigarette from my mouth and kissed her again. 25994% 25995I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth. 25996 -- Chico Marx 25997% 25998I watch television because you don't know what it will do if you leave it 25999in the room alone. 26000% 26001I went home with a waitress, 26002The way I always do. 26003How I was I to know? 26004She was with the Russians too. 26005 26006I was gambling in Havana, 26007I took a little risk. 26008Send lawyers, guns, and money, 26009Dad, get me out of this. 26010 -- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money" 26011% 26012"I went into a general store, and they wouldn't sell me anything 26013specific". 26014 -- Steven Wright 26015% 26016I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it. 26017If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it. 26018It's the truth. 26019 -- Charlie Chaplin 26020% 26021I went on to test the program in every way I could devise. I strained 26022it to expose its weaknesses. I ran it for high-mass stars and low-mass 26023stars, for stars born exceedingly hot and those born relatively cold. 26024I ran it assuming the superfluid currents beneath the crust to be 26025absent -- not because I wanted to know the answer, but because I had 26026developed an intuitive feel for the answer in this particular case. 26027Finally I got a run in which the computer showed the pulsar's 26028temperature to be less than absolute zero. I had found an error. I 26029chased down the error and fixed it. Now I had improved the program to 26030the point where it would not run at all. 26031 -- George Greenstein, "Frozen Star: Of Pulsars, Black 26032 Holes and the Fate of Stars" 26033% 26034I went over to my friend, he was eatin' a pickle. 26035I said "Hi, what's happenin'?" 26036He said "Nothin'." 26037Try to sing this song with that kind of enthusiasm; 26038As if you just squashed a cop. 26039 -- Arlo Guthrie, "Motorcycle Song" 26040% 26041I went to a Grateful Dead Concert and they played for SEVEN hours. 26042Great song. 26043 -- Fred Reuss 26044% 26045I went to a job interview the other day, the guy asked me if I had any 26046questions, I said yes, just one, if you're in a car traveling at the 26047speed of light and you turn your headlights on, does anything happen? 26048 26049He said he couldn't answer that, I told him sorry, but I couldn't work 26050for him then. 26051 -- Steven Wright 26052% 26053I went to a place to eat. It said `BREAKFAST ANYTIME.' So I ordered 26054French toast during the Renaissance. 26055 -- Steven Wright 26056% 26057I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." 26058So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance. 26059 -- Steven Wright 26060% 26061I went to my first computer conference at the New York Hilton about 20 26062years ago. When somebody there predicted the market for microprocessors 26063would eventually be in the millions, someone else said, "Where are they 26064all going to go? It's not like you need a computer in every doorknob!" 26065 26066Years later, I went back to the same hotel. I noticed the room keys had 26067been replaced by electronic cards you slide into slots in the doors. 26068 26069There was a computer in every doorknob. 26070 -- Danny Hillis 26071% 26072I went to my mother and told her I intended to commence a different life. 26073I asked for and obtained her blessing and at once commenced the career 26074of a robber. 26075 -- Tiburcio Vasquez 26076% 26077"I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was in 26078the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't 26079included." 26080 -- Steven Wright 26081% 26082"I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the 26083statues that are in all the other museums." 26084 -- Steven Wright 26085% 26086I went to the race track once and bet on a horse that was so good that 26087it took seven others to beat him! 26088% 26089I will always love the false image I had of you. 26090% 26091I will follow the good side right to the fire, 26092but not into it if I can help it. 26093 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne 26094% 26095I will honour Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the 26096year. I will live in the Past, the Present, and the Future. The 26097Spirits of all Three shall strive within me. I will not shut out 26098the lessons that they teach. Oh, tell me that I may sponge away the 26099writing on this stone! 26100 -- Charles Dickens 26101% 26102I will make you shorter by the head. 26103 -- Elizabeth I 26104% 26105I will never lie to you. 26106% 26107I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own. 26108% 26109I will not drink! 26110But if I do... 26111I will not get drunk! 26112But if I do... 26113I will not in public! 26114But if I do... 26115I will not fall down! 26116But if I do... 26117I will fall face down so that they cannot see my company badge. 26118% 26119I will not forget you. 26120% 26121I will not play at tug o' war. 26122I'd rather play at hug o' war, 26123Where everyone hugs 26124Instead of tugs, 26125Where everyone giggles 26126And rolls on the rug, 26127Where everyone kisses, 26128And everyone grins, 26129And everyone cuddles, 26130And everyone wins. 26131 -- Shel Silverstein, "Hug O' War" 26132% 26133I will not say that women have no character; rather, they have a new 26134one every day. 26135 -- Heine 26136% 26137I wish a robot would get elected president. That way, when he came to town, 26138we could all take a shot at him and not feel too bad. 26139 -- Jack Handey 26140% 26141I WISH I HAD A KRYPTONITE CROSS, because then you could keep both Dracula 26142and Superman away. 26143 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. 26144% 26145I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. 26146There's a knob called "brightness", but it doesn't seem to work. 26147 -- Gallagher 26148% 26149I wish you humans would leave me alone. 26150% 26151I wish you were a Scotch on the rocks. 26152% 26153I woke up a feelin' mean 26154went down to play the slot machine 26155the wheels turned round, 26156and the letters read 26157"Better head back to Tennessee Jed" 26158 -- Grateful Dead 26159% 26160I woke up this morning and discovered that everything in my apartment 26161had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate, 26162"Isn't this amazing? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and 26163replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?" 26164 -- Steven Wright 26165% 26166"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I 26167know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must 26168be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people 26169I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles." 26170 -- Bastian B. Bux 26171% 26172I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement? 26173 -- Tramp, "Lady and the Tramp" 26174% 26175I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, 26176"If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?" 26177 -- Steven Wright 26178% 26179I would be batting the big feller if they wasn't ready with the other one, 26180but a left-hander would be the thing if they wouldn't have knowed it already 26181because there is more things involved than could come up on the road, even 26182after we've been home a long while. 26183 -- Casey Stengel 26184% 26185I would gladly raise my voice in praise of women, 26186only they won't let me raise my voice. 26187 -- Winkle 26188% 26189I would have made a good pope. 26190 -- Richard Nixon 26191% 26192I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have 26193gotten the hostages released. I thank God they were satisfied with the 26194missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme. 26195 -- Oliver North 26196% 26197I would have you imagine, then, that there exists in the mind of man a block 26198of wax... and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the 26199image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we 26200forget or do not know. 26201 -- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191 26202 26203 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 26204 referring to image activation and termination.] 26205% 26206I would like the government to do all it can to mitigate, then, in 26207understanding, in mutuality of interest, in concern for the common good, 26208our tasks will be solved. 26209 -- Warren G. Harding 26210% 26211I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word "fair" in connection 26212with income tax policies. 26213 -- William F. Buckley 26214% 26215I would like to know 26216What I was fencing in 26217And what I was fencing out. 26218 -- Robert Frost 26219% 26220I would much rather have men ask why 26221I have no statue, than why I have one. 26222 -- Marcus Porcius Cato 26223% 26224I would not like to be a political leader in Russia. They never know when 26225they're being taped. 26226 -- Richard Nixon 26227 26228I love America. You always hurt the one you love. 26229 -- David Frye impersonating Nixon 26230% 26231I would rather be a serf in a poor man's house 26232and be above ground than reign among the dead. 26233 -- Achilles, "The Odyssey", XI, 489-91 26234% 26235I would rather say that a desire to drive fast 26236sports cars is what sets man apart from the animals. 26237% 26238I wouldn't be so paranoid if you weren't all out to get me!! 26239% 26240I wouldn't marry her with a ten foot pole. 26241% 26242"I wouldn't recommend sex, drugs or insanity for everyone, but they've 26243always worked for me." 26244 -- Hunter S. Thompson 26245% 26246I wrecked trains because I like to see people die. I like to hear 26247them scream. 26248 -- Sylvestre Matuschka, "the Hungarian Train Wreck Freak", 26249 escaped prison 1937, not heard from since 26250% 26251I 26252am 26253not 26254very 26255happy 26256acting 26257pleased 26258whenever 26259prominent 26260scientists 26261overmagnify 26262intellectual 26263enlightenment 26264% 26265IBM: 26266 [Internation Business Machines Corp.] Also known as Itty Bitty 26267 Machines or The Lawyer's Friend. The dominant force in computer 26268 marketing, having supplied worldwide some 75% of all known hardware 26269 and 10% of all software. To protect itself from the litigious envy 26270 of less successful organizations, such as the US government, IBM 26271 employs 68% of all known ex-Attorneys' General. 26272% 26273IBM: 26274 I've Been Moved 26275 Idiots Become Managers 26276 Idiots Buy More 26277 Impossible to Buy Machine 26278 Incredibly Big Machine 26279 Industry's Biggest Mistake 26280 International Brotherhood of Mercenaries 26281 It Boggles the Mind 26282 It's Better Manually 26283 Itty-Bitty Machines 26284% 26285IBM Advanced Systems Group -- a bunch of mindless jerks, 26286who'll be first against the wall when the revolution comes... 26287 -- with regrets to Douglas Adams 26288% 26289IBM had a PL/I, 26290 Its syntax worse than JOSS; 26291And everywhere this language went, 26292 It was a total loss. 26293% 26294IBM: It may be slow, but it's hard to use. 26295% 26296IBM Pollyanna Principle: 26297 Machines should work. People should think. 26298% 26299IBM's original motto: 26300 Cogito ergo vendo; vendo ergo sum. 26301% 26302I'd be a poorer man if I'd never seen an eagle fly. 26303 -- John Denver 26304 26305[I saw an eagle fly once. Fortunately, I had my eagle fly swatter handy. Ed.] 26306% 26307"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous." 26308% 26309I'd horsewhip you if I had a horse. 26310 -- Groucho Marx 26311% 26312I'd just as soon kiss a Wookiee. 26313 -- Princess Leia Organa 26314% 26315I'D LIKE TO BE BURIED INDIAN-STYLE, where they put you up on a high rack, 26316above the ground. That way, you could get hit by meteorites and not even 26317feel it. 26318 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. 26319% 26320I'd like to meet the guy who invented beer and see what he's working on now. 26321% 26322I'd like to see the government get out of war altogether and leave the 26323whole field to private industry. 26324 -- Joseph Heller 26325% 26326"I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got 26327to undo it." 26328% 26329"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat." 26330% 26331"I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I 26332snore." 26333% 26334"I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in 26335`Y.'" 26336% 26337"I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my 26338blender." 26339% 26340"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my 26341garage door." 26342% 26343"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from 26344Julian to Gregorian." 26345% 26346"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for 26347static cling." 26348% 26349"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered." 26350% 26351"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my 26352cottage cheese sculpture." 26353% 26354"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving." 26355% 26356"I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night." 26357% 26358"I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma 26359transplant." 26360% 26361"I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV." 26362% 26363"I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never 26364came back." 26365% 26366"I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to stay 26367tuned." 26368% 26369"I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that 26370need worrying about." 26371% 26372I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair. 26373 -- Bette Davis, "Cabin in the Cotton" 26374% 26375I'd never cry if I did find 26376 A blue whale in my soup... 26377Nor would I mind a porcupine 26378 Inside a chicken coop. 26379Yes life is fine when things combine, 26380 Like ham in beef chow mein... 26381But lord, this time I think I mind, 26382 They've put acid in my rain. 26383 -- Milo Bloom 26384% 26385I'd never join any club that would have the likes of me as a member. 26386 -- Groucho Marx 26387% 26388I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough. 26389Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had. 26390 -- Brenda Starr 26391% 26392I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heaven. 26393% 26394"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy." 26395% 26396I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy. 26397 -- Fred Allen 26398 26399[Also attributed to S. Clay Wilson. Ed.] 26400% 26401I'd rather have two girls at 21 each than one girl at 42. 26402 -- W. C. Fields 26403% 26404I'd rather just believe that it's done by little elves running around. 26405% 26406I'd rather laugh with the sinners, 26407Than cry with the saints, 26408The sinners are much more fun! 26409 -- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young" 26410% 26411I'd rather push my Harley than ride a rice burner. 26412% 26413Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box 26414of candy weighing less than fifty pounds. 26415% 26416Ideas don't stay in some minds very long because they don't like 26417solitary confinement. 26418% 26419Identify your visitor. 26420% 26421Idiot Box, n.: 26422 The part of the envelope that tells a person where to place the 26423stamp when they can't quite figure it out for themselves. 26424 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 26425% 26426Idiot, n.: 26427 A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human 26428affairs has always been dominant and controlling. 26429 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 26430% 26431IDLENESS: 26432 Leisure gone to seed. 26433% 26434Idleness is the holiday of fools. 26435% 26436If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law. 26437 -- Roy Santoro 26438% 26439If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape 26440at about 30 miles/second. 26441 -- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming 26442% 26443"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far." 26444 -- Paul White 26445% 26446If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus 26447forecast is a camel's behind. 26448 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 26449% 26450If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars? 26451% 26452If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing their hair. If this doesn't 26453work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child. 26454% 26455If A equals success, then the formula is _A = _X + _Y + _Z. _X is work. _Y 26456is play. _Z is keep your mouth shut. 26457 -- Albert Einstein 26458% 26459If A fool persists in his folly he shall become wise. 26460 -- William Blake 26461% 26462If a group of _N persons implements a COBOL compiler, there will be _N-1 26463passes. Someone in the group has to be the manager. 26464 -- T. Cheatham 26465% 26466If a guru falls in the forest with no one to hear him, was he 26467really a guru at all? 26468 -- Strange de Jim, "The Metasexuals" 26469% 26470If a jury in a criminal trial stays out for more than twenty-four 26471hours, it is certain to vote acquittal, save in those instances where 26472it votes guilty. 26473 -- Joseph C. Goulden 26474% 26475IF A KID ASKS YOU where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him 26476is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing 26477to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did." 26478 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. 26479% 26480If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake 26481him up. 26482% 26483If a man has a strong faith he can indulge in the luxury of skepticism. 26484 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 26485% 26486If a man has talent and cannot use it, he has failed. 26487 -- Thomas Wolfe 26488% 26489If a man is not a liberal at 25, he has no heart. 26490If he's not a conservative by 45, he has no brain. 26491% 26492If a man loses his reverence for any part of life, 26493he will lose his reverence for all of life. 26494 -- Albert Schweitzer 26495% 26496If a man stay away from his wife for seven years, the law presumes the 26497separation to have killed him; yet according to our daily experience, 26498it might well prolong his life. 26499 -- Charles Darling, "Scintillae Juris, 1877 26500% 26501If a nation expects to be ignorant and free, 26502... it expects what never was and never will be. 26503 -- Thomas Jefferson 26504% 26505If a nation values anything more than freedom, it will lose its freedom; 26506and the irony of it is that if it is comfort or money it values more, it 26507will lose that, too. 26508 -- W. Somerset Maugham 26509% 26510If a person (a) is poorly, (b) receives treatment intended to make him better, 26511and (c) gets better, then no power of reasoning known to medical science can 26512convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health. 26513 -- Sir Peter Medawar, "The Art of the Soluble" 26514% 26515If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country. 26516% 26517If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have 26518dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to 26519maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it 26520must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf. 26521 -- Donald A. Metz 26522% 26523If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce 26524love because you do not consent, will chastity also be homicide? 26525 -- Saint Augustine 26526% 26527If a small child asks you where rain comes from, I think a reasonable response 26528is simply that "God is crying." And, if he asks you why God is crying, the 26529only possible answer is "Probably because of something you did." 26530% 26531If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, 26532look at him as if he had lost his senses. 26533When he looks down, paraphrase the question back at him. 26534% 26535If a system is administered wisely, 26536its users will be content. 26537They enjoy hacking their code 26538and don't waste time implementing 26539labor-saving shell scripts. 26540Since they dearly love their accounts, 26541they aren't interested in other machines. 26542There may be telnet, rlogin, and ftp, 26543but these don't access any hosts. 26544There may be an arsenal of cracks and malware, 26545but nobody ever uses them. 26546People enjoy reading their mail, 26547take pleasure in being with their newsgroups, 26548spend weekends working at their terminals, 26549delight in the doings at the site. 26550And even though the next system is so close 26551that users can hear its key clicks and biff beeps, 26552they are content to die of old age 26553without ever having gone to see it. 26554% 26555"If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good 26556attitude. If it has a good attitude, it will make a commitment to 26557playing the game right. If it plays the game right, it will win -- 26558unless, of course, it doesn't have enough talent to win, and no manager 26559can make goose-liver pate out of goose feathers, so why worry?" 26560 -- Sparky Anderson 26561% 26562If a thing's worth doing, it is worth doing badly. 26563 -- G. K. Chesterton 26564% 26565If a thing's worth having, it's worth cheating for. 26566 -- W. C. Fields 26567% 26568If a train station is a place where a train stops, what's a workstation? 26569% 26570If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever 26571to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude 26572that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine. 26573 -- Rob Stampfli 26574% 26575If all be true that I do think, 26576There be five reasons why one should drink; 26577Good friends, good wine, or being dry, 26578Or lest we should be by-and-by, 26579Or any other reason why. 26580% 26581If all else fails, immortality can always be assured by spectacular 26582error. 26583 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 26584% 26585If all else fails, lower your standards. 26586% 26587If all men were brothers, would you let one marry your sister? 26588% 26589If all the Chinese simultaneously jumped into the Pacific off a 10 foot 26590platform erected 10 feet off their coast, it would cause a tidal wave 26591that would destroy everything in this country west of Nebraska. 26592% 26593If all the girls who attended the Yale prom were laid end to end -- I 26594wouldn't be a bit surprised. 26595 -- Dorothy Parker 26596% 26597If all the seas were ink, 26598And all the reeds were pens, 26599And all the skies were parchment, 26600And all the men could write, 26601These would not suffice 26602To write down all the red tape 26603Of this Government. 26604% 26605If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door. 26606 -- Paul Beatty 26607% 26608If all the world's economists were laid end to end, we wouldn't reach a 26609conclusion. 26610 -- William Baumol 26611% 26612If an average person on the subway turns to you, like an ancient mariner, 26613and starts telling you her tale, you turn away or nod and hope she stops, 26614not just because you fear she might be crazy. If she tells her tale on 26615camera, you might listen. Watching strangers on television, even 26616responding to them from a studio audience, we're disengaged - voyeurs 26617collaborating with exhibitionists in rituals of sham community. Never 26618have so many known so much about people for whom they cared so little. 26619 -- Wendy Kaminer commenting on testimonial television 26620 in "I'm Dysfunctional, You're Dysfunctional". 26621% 26622If an experiment works, something has gone wrong. 26623% 26624If an S and an I and an O and a U 26625With an X at the end spell Su; 26626And an E and a Y and an E spell I, 26627Pray what is a speller to do? 26628Then, if also an S and an I and a G 26629And an HED spell side, 26630There's nothing much left for a speller to do 26631But to go commit siouxeyesighed. 26632 -- Charles Follen Adams, "An Orthographic Lament" 26633% 26634If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last 26635car he ever lays down in front of. 26636 -- George Wallace 26637% 26638If any man wishes to be humbled and mortified, 26639let him become president of Harvard. 26640 -- Edward Holyoke 26641% 26642If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible. 26643We're offering a substantial reward. He's a sable collie, with three legs, 26644blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his 26645tail. He's been recently fixed. Answers to "Lucky". 26646% 26647If anything can go wrong, it will. 26648% 26649If at first you do succeed, try to hide your astonishment. 26650% 26651If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. 26652% 26653If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool. 26654% 26655If at first you don't succeed, quit; don't be a nut about success. 26656% 26657If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. 26658% 26659If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. 26660 -- W. E. Hickson 26661% 26662If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. 26663No use being a damn fool about it. 26664% 26665If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. 26666Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. 26667 -- W. C. Fields 26668 26669[Also attributed to Roy Mengot. Ed.] 26670% 26671If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer. 26672% 26673If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average. 26674 -- Leonard Levinson 26675% 26676If at first you fricassee, fry, fry again. 26677% 26678If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is 26679identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a 26680collection of meaningless words about unintelligible chimeras, then 26681I have no doubt, and I think few people doubt, that atheists are as 26682plentiful as blackberries. 26683 -- Leslie Stephen 26684% 26685If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four 26686tellers? 26687% 26688If Beethoven's Seventh Symphony is not by 26689some means abridged, it will soon fall into disuse. 26690 -- Philip Hale, Boston music critic, 1837 26691% 26692If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, 26693then the first woodpecker to come along would destroy civilization. 26694% 26695If built in great numbers, motels will be used for nothing 26696but illegal purposes. 26697 -- J. Edgar Hoover 26698% 26699If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question. 26700% 26701If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour. 26702 -- William Blake 26703% 26704If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in James 26705Watt's office. 26706 -- Wayne Shannon 26707% 26708If coke is a joke, I'm waiting around for the next line. 26709% 26710If computers take over (which seems to be their natural tendency), it will 26711serve us right. 26712 -- Alistair Cooke 26713% 26714If dolphins are so smart, why did Flipper work for television? 26715% 26716If England treats her criminals the way she has treated me, she doesn't 26717deserve to have any. 26718 -- Oscar Wilde, reportedly while standing handcuffed in a 26719 driving rain, waiting for transport to prison upon his 26720 conviction for sodomy. 26721% 26722If entropy is increasing, where is it coming from? 26723% 26724If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, 26725there better be no trade. A trade by which one gains and the other loses 26726is a fraud. 26727 -- Dagny Taggart, "Atlas Shrugged" 26728% 26729If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can 26730do it through the body of someone you love. Anytime. Anywhere. Without 26731no middleman. 26732 -- Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody" 26733% 26734If every kid had a funny tooth to bite down on whenever the world disappointed 26735him, prussic acid could solve our population problems in one generation. 26736 -- G. C. Edmonson's Albert, "The Man Who Corrupted Earth" 26737% 26738If everybody minded their own business, the world would go 26739around a deal faster. 26740 -- The Duchess, "Through the Looking Glass" 26741% 26742If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane. 26743% 26744If everything on the road of life seems to 26745be coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 26746% 26747If everything seems to be going well, 26748you have obviously overlooked something. 26749% 26750If fifty million people say a foolish thing, it's still a foolish thing. 26751 -- Bertrand Russell 26752% 26753If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up. 26754% 26755If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there 26756is an exception to every rule. If we accept "For every rule there is an 26757exception" as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception 26758after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of 26759exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there 26760can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception. 26761 -- Bill Boquist 26762% 26763If God did not exist, it would be necessary to invent him. 26764 -- Voltaire, "Epitres, XCVI" 26765% 26766If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three 26767to a can. 26768% 26769If God had a beard, he'd be a UNIX programmer. 26770% 26771If God had intended Man to program, we'd be born with serial I/O ports. 26772% 26773If God had intended Man to Smoke, He would have set him on Fire. 26774% 26775If God had intended man to use the metric system, Jesus 26776would have only had ten disciples. 26777% 26778If God had intended Man to Walk, He would have given him Feet. 26779% 26780If God had intended Man to Watch TV, He would have given him Rabbit 26781Ears. 26782% 26783If God had intended Men to Smoke, He would have put Chimneys in their 26784Heads. 26785% 26786If God had meant for us to be in the Army, we would have been born with 26787green, baggy skin. 26788% 26789If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. 26790% 26791If God had not given us sticky tape, it would have been necessary to 26792invent it. 26793% 26794If God had really intended men to fly, 26795he'd make it easier to get to the airport. 26796 -- George Winters 26797% 26798If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would 26799have made them cute and furry. 26800 -- Dave Barry 26801% 26802If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had 26803only ten apostles. 26804% 26805If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger 26806hands. 26807% 26808If God hadn't wanted you to be paranoid, 26809He wouldn't have given you such a vivid imagination. 26810% 26811If God is dead, who will save the Queen? 26812% 26813If God is One, what is bad? 26814 -- Charles Manson 26815% 26816If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions? 26817% 26818"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows." 26819 -- Yiddish saying 26820% 26821If God wanted us to be brave, why did he give us legs? 26822 -- Marvin Kitman 26823% 26824If God wanted us to have a President, 26825He would have sent us a candidate. 26826 -- Jerry Dreshfield 26827% 26828If graphics hackers are so smart, 26829why can't they get the bugs out of fresh paint? 26830% 26831If happiness is in your destiny, you need not be in a hurry. 26832 -- Chinese proverb 26833% 26834If he had only learnt a little less, how 26835infinitely better he might have taught much more! 26836% 26837If he once again pushes up his sleeves in order to compute for 3 days 26838and 3 nights in a row, he will spend a quarter of an hour before to 26839think which principles of computation shall be most appropriate. 26840 -- Voltaire, "Diatribe du docteur Akakia" 26841% 26842If he should ever change his faith, 26843it'll be because he no longer thinks he's God. 26844% 26845"If I am elected, the concrete barriers around the WHITE HOUSE will be 26846replaced by tasteful foam replicas of ANN MARGARET!" 26847% 26848If I cannot bend Heaven, I shall move Hell. 26849 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 26850% 26851If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive! 26852 -- Samuel Goldwyn 26853% 26854If I could read your mind, love, 26855What a tale your thoughts could tell, 26856Just like a paperback novel, 26857The kind the drugstore sells, 26858When you reach the part where the heartaches come, 26859The hero would be me, 26860Heroes often fail, 26861You won't read that book again, because 26862 the ending is just too hard to take. 26863 26864I walk away, like a movie star, 26865Who gets burned in a three way script, 26866Enter number two, 26867A movie queen to play the scene 26868Of bringing all the good things out in me, 26869But for now, love, let's be real 26870I never thought I could act this way, 26871And I've got to say that I just don't get it, 26872I don't know where we went wrong but the feeling is gone 26873And I just can't get it back... 26874 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "If You Could Read My Mind" 26875% 26876If I could stick my pen in my heart, 26877I would spill it all over the stage. 26878Would it satisfy ya, would it slide on by ya, 26879Would you think the boy was strange? 26880Ain't he strange? 26881... 26882If I could stick a knife in my heart, 26883Suicide right on the stage, 26884Would it be enough for your teenage lust, 26885Would it help to ease the pain? 26886Ease your brain? 26887 -- Rolling Stones, "It's Only Rock'N Roll" 26888% 26889If I don't drive around the park, 26890I'm pretty sure to make my mark. 26891If I'm in bed each night by ten, 26892I may get back my looks again. 26893If I abstain from fun and such, 26894I'll probably amount to much; 26895But I shall stay the way I am, 26896Because I do not give a damn. 26897 -- Dorothy Parker 26898% 26899If I don't see you in the future, I'll see you in the pasture. 26900% 26901If I had a formula for bypassing trouble, I would not pass it around. 26902Trouble creates a capacity to handle it. I don't say embrace trouble; that's 26903as bad as treating it as an enemy. But I do say meet it as a friend, for 26904you'll see a lot of it and you had better be on speaking terms with it. 26905 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr. 26906% 26907If *I* had a hammer, there'd be no more folk singers. 26908% 26909IF I HAD A MINE SHAFT, I don't think I would just abandon it. There's 26910got to be a better way. 26911 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. 26912% 26913If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the 26914plantation and go home. 26915 -- Eugene P. Gallagher 26916% 26917If I had any humility I would be perfect. 26918 -- Ted Turner 26919% 26920If I had done everything I'm credited with, I'd be speaking to you from 26921a laboratory jar at Harvard. 26922 -- Frank Sinatra 26923 26924AS USUAL, YOUR INFORMATION STINKS. 26925 -- Frank Sinatra, telegram to "Time" magazine 26926% 26927If I had my life to live over, I'd try to make more mistakes next time. I 26928would relax, I would limber up, I would be sillier than I have been this 26929trip. I know of very few things I would take seriously. I would be crazier. 26930I would climb more mountains, swim more rivers and watch more sunsets. I'd 26931travel and see. I would have more actual troubles and fewer imaginary ones. 26932You see, I am one of those people who lives prophylactically and sensibly 26933and sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I have had my moments and, 26934if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to 26935have nothing else. Just moments, one after another, instead of living so many 26936years ahead each day. I have been one of those people who never go anywhere 26937without a thermometer, a hotwater bottle, a gargle, a raincoat and a parachute. 26938If I had it to do over again, I would go places and do things and travel 26939lighter than I have. If I had my life to live over, I would start bare-footed 26940earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would play hooky 26941more. I probably wouldn't make such good grades, but I'd learn more. I would 26942ride on more merry-go-rounds. I'd pick more daisies. 26943% 26944If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith. 26945 -- Albert Einstein 26946% 26947If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner. 26948 -- Tallulah Bankhead 26949% 26950If I have not seen so far it is because I stood in giant's footsteps. 26951% 26952If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the 26953shoulders of giants. 26954 -- Isaac Newton 26955 26956In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with 26957the giants on whose shoulders we stand. 26958 -- Gerald Holton 26959 26960If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing on 26961my shoulders. 26962 -- Hal Abelson 26963 26964Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders. 26965 -- Gauss 26966 26967Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists 26968stand on each other's toes. 26969 -- Richard Hamming 26970 26971It has been said that physicists stand on one another's shoulders. If 26972this is the case, then programmers stand on one another's toes, and 26973software engineers dig each other's graves. 26974 -- Unknown 26975% 26976If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the 26977shoulders of giants. 26978 -- Isaac Newton 26979 26980In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side 26981with the giants on whose shoulders we stand. 26982 -- Gerald Holton 26983 26984If I have not seen as far as others, it is because giants were standing 26985on my shoulders. 26986 -- Hal Abelson 26987 26988In computer science, we stand on each other's feet. 26989 -- Brian K. Reid 26990% 26991If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it. 26992 -- Bob Hope 26993% 26994If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction. 26995 26996On the other hand, if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is 26997also a psychological interaction. 26998 26999The difference is that one is friendly and the other is not so 27000friendly. 27001 27002The crucial point is if you can tell which is which. 27003 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 27004% 27005If I knew what brand [of whiskey] he drinks, 27006I would send a barrel or so to my other generals. 27007 -- Abraham Lincoln, on General Grant 27008% 27009If I love you, what business is it of yours? 27010 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 27011% 27012If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow. I 27013just couldn't help myself. 27014 -- Adolf Hitler 27015% 27016If I promised you the moon and the stars, would you believe it? 27017 -- Alan Parsons Project 27018% 27019If I set here and stare at nothing long enough, people might think 27020I'm an engineer working on something. 27021 -- S. R. McElroy 27022% 27023If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me? 27024% 27025If I traveled to the end of the rainbow 27026As Dame Fortune did intend, 27027Murphy would be there to tell me 27028The pot's at the other end. 27029 -- Bert Whitney 27030% 27031If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary form. 27032% 27033If I were a grave-digger or even a hangman, there are some people I could 27034work for with a great deal of enjoyment. 27035 -- Douglas Jerrold 27036% 27037If I were to walk on water, the press would say I'm only doing it 27038because I can't swim. 27039 -- Bob Stanfield 27040% 27041If I'd known computer science was going to be like this, 27042I'd never have given up being a rock 'n' roll star. 27043 -- G. Hirst 27044% 27045If ignorance is bliss, why aren't there more happy people? 27046% 27047If I'm over the hill, why is it I don't recall ever being on top? 27048 -- Jerry Muscha 27049% 27050If in any problem you find yourself doing an immense amount of work, the 27051answer can be obtained by simple inspection. 27052% 27053If in doubt, mumble. 27054% 27055If it ain't baroque, don't fix it. 27056% 27057If it ain't broke, don't fix it. 27058% 27059If it doesn't smell yet, it's pretty fresh. 27060 -- Dave Johnson, on dead seagulls 27061% 27062If it happens once, it's a bug. 27063If it happens twice, it's a feature. 27064If it happens more than twice, it's a design philosophy. 27065% 27066If it has syntax, it isn't user-friendly. 27067% 27068If it heals good, say it. 27069% 27070If it is a Miracle, any sort of evidence will 27071answer, but if it is a Fact, proof is necessary. 27072 -- Samuel Clemens 27073% 27074If it pours before seven, it has rained by eleven. 27075% 27076If it smells it's chemistry, if it crawls it's biology, if it doesn't work 27077it's physics. 27078% 27079If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with. No more appeasement. 27080 -- Ronald Reagan 27081% 27082If it wasn't for Newton, we wouldn't have to eat bruised apples. 27083% 27084If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done. 27085% 27086If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler. 27087% 27088If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable. 27089 -- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables" 27090% 27091If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost, 27092I would take that particular work of mine, shred it, and flush it down 27093the toilet, hoping not to clog the pipes. A more sententious, holding- 27094forth old bore who expected every hero-worshiping adenoidal little twerp 27095of a student-poet to hang on to his every word I never saw. 27096 -- James Dickey 27097% 27098If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would ever get done. 27099% 27100If it's green or wiggles, it's biology. 27101If it stinks, it's chemistry. 27102If it doesn't work, it's physics. 27103% 27104If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist. 27105% 27106If it's Tuesday, this must be someone else's fortune. 27107% 27108If it's worth doing, do it for money. 27109% 27110If it's worth doing, it's worth doing for money. 27111% 27112If it's worth hacking on well, it's worth hacking on for money. 27113% 27114If Jesus Christ were to come today, people would not even crucify him. 27115They would ask him to dinner, and hear what he had to say, and make fun 27116of it. 27117 -- Thomas Carlyle 27118% 27119If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot to 27120send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think the 27121other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. And if *fifty* pieces 27122of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, why 27123they'll think something *else* is broken! And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, 27124they'll just *know* that uunet is down and think it's a conspiracy to keep 27125them from their God given right to receive Net Mail ... 27126 -- Leith (Casey) Leedom, apologies to Arlo Guthrie 27127% 27128"If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they 27129forgot to send it. But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll 27130just think the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail. 27131And if *fifty* pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* 27132pieces of mail get lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken! 27133And if 1Gb of mail gets lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa is down and 27134think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to 27135receive Net Mail ..." 27136 -- Leith (Casey) Leedom 27137% 27138If Karl, instead of writing a lot about Capital, 27139had made a lot of Capital, it would have been much better. 27140 -- Karl Marx's Mother 27141% 27142If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. 27143% 27144If life is a stage, I want some better lighting. 27145% 27146If life is merely a joke, the question 27147still remains: for whose amusement? 27148% 27149If life isn't what you wanted, have you asked for anything else? 27150% 27151If little else, the brain is an educational toy. 27152 -- Tom Robbins 27153% 27154If little green men land in your back yard, hide any little green women 27155you've got in the house. 27156 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 27157% 27158If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question? 27159 -- Lily Tomlin 27160% 27161If Love Were Oil, I'd Be About A Quart Low 27162 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard 27163% 27164If Machiavelli were a hacker, he'd have worked for the CSSG. 27165 -- Phil Lapsley 27166% 27167If Machiavelli were a programmer, he'd have worked for AT&T. 27168% 27169If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform. 27170 -- Mary Wilson Little 27171% 27172If mathematically you end up with the wrong answer, try multiplying by 27173the page number. 27174% 27175If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would 27176be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies. 27177 -- Frances Rodman 27178% 27179If men are not afraid to die, 27180it is of no avail to threaten them with death. 27181 27182If men live in constant fear of dying, 27183And if breaking the law means a man will be killed, 27184Who will dare to break the law? 27185 27186There is always an official executioner. 27187If you try to take his place, 27188It is like trying to be a master carpenter and cutting wood. 27189If you try to cut wood like a master carpenter, 27190 you will only hurt your hand. 27191 -- Tao Te Ching, "Lao Tsu, #74" 27192% 27193If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it. 27194% 27195If more of us valued food and cheer and song above hoarded gold, it would 27196be a merrier world. 27197 -- J. R. R. Tolkien 27198% 27199"If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think 27200little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and 27201Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination." 27202 -- Thomas De Quincey (1785-1859) 27203% 27204If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and 27205over again, there is no use in reading it at all. 27206 -- Oscar Wilde 27207% 27208If one inquires why the American tradition is so strong against any connection 27209of State and Church, why it dreads even the rudiments of religious teaching 27210in state-maintained schools, the immediate and superficial answer is not 27211far to seek. ... The cause lay largely in the diversity and vitality of the 27212various denominations, each fairly sure that, with a fair field and no favor, 27213it could make its own way; and each animated by a jealous fear that, if any 27214connection of State and Church were permitted, some rival denomination would 27215get an unfair advantage. 27216 -- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908 27217% 27218If one studies too zealously, one easily loses his pants. 27219 -- Albert Einstein 27220% 27221If one tells the truth, one is sure, sooner or later, to be found out. 27222 -- Oscar Wilde, "Phrases and Philosophies for the Use 27223 of the Young" 27224% 27225If only Dionysus were alive! Where would he eat? 27226 -- Woody Allen 27227% 27228If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit 27229in my name at a Swiss bank. 27230 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 27231% 27232If only I could be respected without having to be respectable. 27233% 27234If only one could get that wonderful feeling of accomplishment without 27235having to accomplish anything. 27236% 27237If only you could be respected without having to be respectable. 27238% 27239If only you had a personality instead of an attitude. 27240% 27241If only you knew she loved you, you could 27242face the uncertainty of whether you love her. 27243% 27244If opportunity came disguised as temptation, one knock would be enough. 27245% 27246If parents would only realize how they bore their children. 27247 -- George Bernard Shaw 27248% 27249If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, 27250he should see how bad it is with representation. 27251% 27252If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, 27253then we are a sorry lot indeed. 27254 -- Albert Einstein 27255% 27256If people concentrated on the really important things in life, 27257there'd be a shortage of fishing poles. 27258 -- Doug Larson 27259% 27260If people drank ink instead of Schlitz, they'd be better off. 27261 -- Edward E. Hippensteel 27262 27263[What brand of ink? Ed.] 27264% 27265If people have to choose between freedom and sandwiches, they 27266will take sandwiches. 27267 -- Lord Boyd-orr 27268 27269Eats first, morals after. 27270 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera" 27271% 27272If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated, 27273I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs. 27274 -- Hermann Goering 27275% 27276If people see that you mean them no harm, 27277they'll never hurt you, nine times out of ten! 27278% 27279If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice? 27280% 27281If preceded by a '-', the timezone shall be east of the Prime 27282Meridian; otherwise, it shall be west (which may be indicated by 27283an optional preceding '+'). 27284 -- POSIX 2001 27285 27286The "+" or "-" indicates whether the time-of-day is ahead of 27287(i.e., east of) or behind (i.e., west of) Universal Time. 27288 -- RFC 2822 27289% 27290If pregnancy were a book they would cut the last two chapters. 27291 -- Nora Ephron, "Heartburn" 27292% 27293If pro is the opposite of con, what is the opposite of progress? 27294% 27295If puns were deli meat, this would be the wurst. 27296% 27297If rabbits feet are so lucky, what happened to the rabbit? 27298% 27299If reporters don't know that truth is plural, they ought to be lawyers. 27300 -- Tom Wicker 27301% 27302If researchers wrote nursery rhymes... 27303 27304Little Miss Muffet sat on her gluteal region, 27305Eating components of soured milk. 27306On at least one occasion, 27307 along came an arachnid and sat down beside her, 27308Or at least in her vicinity, 27309And caused her to feel an overwhelming, but not paralyzing, fear, 27310Which motivated the patient to leave the area rather quickly. 27311 -- Ann Melugin Williams 27312% 27313If Ricky Schroder and Gary Coleman had a fight on television with 27314pool cues, who would win? 27315 1) Ricky Schroder 27316 2) Gary Coleman 27317 3) The television viewing public 27318 -- David Letterman 27319% 27320If sarcasm were posted on Usenet, would anybody notice? 27321 -- James Nicoll 27322% 27323If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of 27324arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the 27325physical world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker 27326entirely by the use of the mathematics of probability. 27327 -- Vannevar Bush 27328% 27329If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many 27330books on how to? 27331 -- Bette Midler 27332% 27333If she had not been cupric in her ions, 27334Her shape ovoidal, 27335Their romance might have flourished. 27336But he built tetrahedral in his shape, 27337His ions ferric, 27338Love could not help but die, 27339Uncatalyzed, inert, and undernourished. 27340% 27341If society fits you comfortably enough, you call it freedom. 27342 -- Robert Frost 27343% 27344If some people didn't tell you, 27345you'd never know they'd been away on vacation. 27346% 27347If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied 27348harder. 27349 -- Pope John Paul I 27350% 27351If someone says he will do something "without fail", he won't. 27352% 27353If something has not yet gone wrong then it would 27354ultimately have been beneficial for it to go wrong. 27355% 27356If swimming is so good for your figure, how come whales look the 27357way they do? 27358% 27359"If that makes any sense to you, you have a big problem." 27360 -- C. Durance, Computer Science 234 27361% 27362If the aborigine drafted an IQ test, all of Western civilization would 27363presumably flunk it. 27364 -- Stanley Garn 27365% 27366If the American dream is for Americans only, it will remain our dream 27367and never be our destiny. 27368 -- Rene de Visme Williamson 27369% 27370If the automobile had followed the same development as the computer, a 27371Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, 27372and explode once a year killing everyone inside. 27373 -- Robert Cringely, InfoWorld 27374% 27375If the church put in half the time on covetousness that it does on lust, 27376this would be a better world. 27377 -- Garrison Keillor, "Lake Wobegon Days" 27378% 27379If the code and the comments disagree, then both are probably wrong. 27380 -- Norm Schryer 27381% 27382If the colleges were better, if they really had it, you would need to 27383get the police at the gates to keep order in the inrushing multitude. 27384See in college how we thwart the natural love of learning by leaving 27385the natural method of teaching what each wishes to learn, and insisting 27386that you shall learn what you have no taste or capacity for. The 27387college, which should be a place of delightful labor, is made odious 27388and unhealthy, and the young men are tempted to frivolous amusements to 27389rally their jaded spirits. I would have the studies elective. 27390Scholarship is to be created not by compulsion, but by awakening a pure 27391interest in knowledge. The wise instructor accomplishes this by 27392opening to his pupils precisely the attractions the study has for 27393himself. The marking is a system for schools, not for the college; for 27394boys, not for men; and it is an ungracious work to put on a professor. 27395 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 27396% 27397If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five 27398steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same 27399principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful 27400feature, that. 27401 -- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990 27402% 27403If the ends don't justify the means, then what does? 27404 -- Robert Moses 27405% 27406If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical 27407would have something to do with a shortage of flowers. 27408 -- Doug Larson 27409 27410[Not to mention, butterfly would be flutterby. Ed.] 27411% 27412If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts. 27413 -- Albert Einstein 27414% 27415If the future isn't what it used to be, does that 27416mean that the past is subject to change in times to come? 27417% 27418If the girl you love moves in with another guy once, it's more than enough. 27419Twice, it's much too much. Three times, it's the story of your life. 27420% 27421If the government doesn't trust the people, why 27422doesn't it dissolve them and elect a new people? 27423% 27424If the grass is greener on other side of fence, 27425consider what may be fertilizing it. 27426% 27427If the human brain were so simple that we could understand it, 27428we would be so simple we couldn't. 27429% 27430"If the King's English was good enough for Jesus, it's good enough for 27431me!" 27432 -- "Ma" Ferguson, Governor of Texas (circa 1920) 27433% 27434If the Lord God Almighty had consulted me before embarking upon the Creation, 27435I would have recommended something simpler. 27436 -- Alfonso the Wise, 13th Century King of Castile, 27437 Commenting on the Almagest, by Ptolemy. 27438% 27439If the master dies and the disciple grieves, 27440the lives of both have been wasted. 27441% 27442If the meanings of "true" and "false" were switched, 27443then this sentence would not be false. 27444% 27445If the Nazi's had television with satellite technology, we'd all be 27446goose-stepping. Americans are just as suggestible. 27447 -- Frank Zappa 27448% 27449If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances 27450are 50-50 it will. 27451% 27452If the path be beautiful, let us not ask where it leads. 27453 -- Anatole France 27454% 27455If the rich could pay the poor to die for them, 27456what a living the poor could make! 27457% 27458If the shoe fits, it's ugly. 27459% 27460If the standard says that [things] depend on the phase of the moon, 27461the programmer should be prepared to look out the window as necessary. 27462 -- Chris Torek 27463% 27464If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will. 27465% 27466If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job. 27467Let's hear it for OSI and X! With those babies in the wings, we can count 27468on being employed until we drop, or get smart and switch to gardening, 27469paper folding, or something. 27470 -- C. Philip Wood 27471% 27472If the very old will remember, the very young will listen. 27473 -- Chief Dan George 27474% 27475If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If 27476the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the 27477bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will 27478exceed all expectations. 27479 -- Reverend Chichester 27480% 27481If there are epigrams, there must be meta-epigrams. 27482% 27483If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that 27484will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong. 27485% 27486If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing 27487of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur 27488of this life. 27489 -- Albert Camus 27490% 27491If there is a wrong way to do something, then someone will do it. 27492 -- Edward A. Murphy Jr. 27493% 27494If there is any realistic deterrent to marriage, it's the fact that you 27495can't afford divorce. 27496 -- Jack Nicholson 27497% 27498If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex? 27499 -- Art Hoppe 27500% 27501If there is no wind, row. 27502 -- Polish proverb 27503% 27504If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would 27505have let me in on it by now. I contribute enough to the shule. 27506 -- Saul Goodman 27507% 27508If there was any justice in the world, "trust" would be a four-letter word. 27509% 27510If there were a school for, say, sheet metal workers, that after three 27511years left its graduates as unprepared for their careers as does law 27512school, it would be closed down in a minute, and no doubt by lawyers. 27513 -- Michael Levin, "The Socratic Method 27514% 27515If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make 27516something out of you. 27517 -- Muhammad Ali 27518% 27519If they sent one man to the moon, why can't they send them all? 27520% 27521If they think you're crude, go technical; if they think you're technical, 27522go crude. I'm a very technical boy. So I get as crude as possible. These 27523days, though, you have to be pretty technical before you can even aspire 27524to crudeness... 27525 -- Johnny Mnemonic 27526% 27527If they were so inclined, they could impeach 27528him because they don't like his necktie. 27529 -- Attorney General William Saxbe 27530% 27531If things don't improve soon, you'd better ask them to stop helping you. 27532% 27533If this fortune didn't exist, somebody would have invented it. 27534% 27535If this is timesharing, give me my share right now. 27536It's not time yet. 27537% 27538If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same? 27539% 27540If today is the first day of the rest of your life, what the hell was 27541yesterday? 27542% 27543If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library? 27544 -- Lily Tomlin 27545% 27546If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is 27547doing the thinking. 27548 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 27549% 27550If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is 27551doing the thinking. 27552 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 27553 27554Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his 27555helmet off. 27556 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 27557 27558I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign 27559itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon. 27560 -- Lyndon B. Johnson 27561% 27562If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it. 27563 -- Ernest Hemingway 27564% 27565If two wrongs don't make a right, try three. 27566 -- Laurence J. Peter 27567% 27568If two wrongs don't make a right, try three wrongs. 27569% 27570"If value corrupts then absolute value corrupts absolutely." 27571% 27572If voting could change the system, it would be illegal. 27573If not voting could change the system, it would be illegal. 27574% 27575If we all work together, we can totally disrupt the system. 27576% 27577If we can ever make red tape nutritional, we can feed the world. 27578 -- R. Schaeberle, "Management Accounting" 27579% 27580If we could sell our experiences for what they cost us, we would 27581all be millionaires. 27582 -- Abigail Van Buren 27583% 27584If we do not change our direction we are 27585likely to end up where we are headed. 27586% 27587If we don't survive, we don't do anything else. 27588 -- John Sinclair 27589% 27590If we men married the women we deserved, we should have a very bad time 27591of it. 27592 -- Oscar Wilde 27593% 27594"If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our 27595findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive." 27596 -- Henry Hudson, of the Meese Pornography Commission, on 27597 criticism of its conclusion that pornography causes sex 27598 crimes. 27599% 27600If we see the light at the end of the tunnel 27601It's the light of an oncoming train. 27602 -- Robert Lowell 27603% 27604If we spoke a different language, we 27605would perceive a somewhat different world. 27606 -- Wittgenstein 27607% 27608If we suffer tamely a lawless attack upon our liberty, 27609we encourage it, and involve others in our doom. 27610 -- Samuel Adams 27611% 27612"If we were meant to fly, we wouldn't keep losing our luggage." 27613% 27614If we were meant to get up early, God would have created us 27615with alarm clocks. 27616% 27617If we won't stand together, we don't stand a chance. 27618% 27619If what they've been doing hasn't solved the problem, tell them to 27620do something else. 27621 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting" 27622% 27623If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel 27624in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary 27625qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted. 27626 -- Marguerite Emmons 27627% 27628If wishes were horses, then beggars would be thieves. 27629% 27630If women are supposed to be less rational and more emotional at the 27631beginning of our menstrual cycle, when the female hormone is at its 27632lowest level, then why isn't it logical to say that in those few days 27633women behave the most like the way men behave all month long? 27634 -- Gloria Steinem 27635% 27636If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. 27637 -- Aristotle Onassis 27638% 27639If you always postpone pleasure you will never have it. 27640Quit work and play for once! 27641% 27642If you analyse anything, you destroy it. 27643 -- Arthur Miller 27644% 27645If you are a fatalist, what can you do about it? 27646 -- Ann Edwards-Duff 27647% 27648If you are a police dog, where's your badge? 27649 -- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd 27650 crazy. 27651% 27652If you are afraid of loneliness, don't marry. 27653 -- Anton Chekov 27654% 27655If you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance. 27656% 27657If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are real 27658good, you will get out of it. 27659% 27660If you are honest because honesty is the best policy, 27661your honesty is corrupt. 27662% 27663If you are looking for a kindly, well-to-do older gentleman who is no 27664longer interested in sex, take out an ad in The Wall Street Journal. 27665 -- Abigail Van Buren 27666% 27667If you are not for yourself, who will be for you? 27668If you are for yourself, then what are you? 27669If not now, when? 27670% 27671If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient 27672evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than 27673words. 27674 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 27675% 27676If you are over 80 years old and accompanied 27677by your parents, we will cash your check. 27678% 27679If you are shooting under 80 you are neglecting your business; 27680over 80 you are neglecting your golf. 27681 -- Walter Hagen 27682% 27683If you are smart enough to know that you're not 27684smart enough to be an Engineer, then you're in Business. 27685% 27686If you are too busy to read, then you are too busy. 27687% 27688If you are what you eat, does that mean Euelle Gibbons really was a nut? 27689% 27690If you aren't rich you should always look useful. 27691 -- Louis-Ferdinand Celine 27692% 27693"If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars." 27694 -- J. Paul Getty 27695% 27696If you can keep your head when all about you are losing 27697theirs, then you clearly don't understand the situation. 27698% 27699If you can lead it to water and force it to drink, it isn't a horse. 27700% 27701If you can read this, you're too close. 27702% 27703If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything. 27704% 27705If you cannot convince them, confuse them. 27706 -- Harry S. Truman 27707% 27708If you cannot in the long run tell everyone 27709what you have been doing, your doing was worthless. 27710 -- Edwin Schrodinger 27711% 27712If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a 27713call. 27714% 27715If you can't convince them, confuse them. 27716 -- Harry S. Truman 27717% 27718If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights. 27719% 27720If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. 27721% 27722If you can't read this, blame a teacher. 27723% 27724If you can't say anything good about someone, sit right here by me. 27725 -- Alice Roosevelt Longworth 27726% 27727If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious. 27728% 27729If you catch a man, throw him back. 27730 -- Woman's Liberation Slogan, c. 1975 27731% 27732If you continually give you will continually have. 27733% 27734If you could only get that wonderful feeling of 27735accomplishment without having to accomplish anything. 27736% 27737If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? 27738% 27739If you didn't have most of your friends, 27740you wouldn't have most of your problems. 27741% 27742If you didn't have to work so hard, 27743you'd have more time to be depressed. 27744% 27745If you do not think about the future, you cannot have one. 27746 -- John Galsworthy 27747% 27748If you do not wish a man to do a thing, you had better get him to talk about 27749it; for the more men talk, the more likely they are to do nothing else. 27750 -- Carlyle 27751% 27752If you do something right once, someone will ask you to do it again. 27753% 27754If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost. 27755% 27756If you don't count some of Jehovah's injunctions, there are no humorists 27757in the Bible. 27758 -- Mordecai Richler 27759% 27760If you don't do it, you'll never know what 27761would have happened if you had done it. 27762% 27763If you don't do the things that are not worth doing, who will? 27764% 27765If you don't drink it, someone else will. 27766% 27767If you don't go to other men's funerals they won't go to yours. 27768 -- Clarence Day 27769% 27770If you don't have a nasty obituary you probably didn't matter. 27771 -- Freeman Dyson 27772% 27773If you don't have the time right now, 27774will you have redo right time later? 27775% 27776If you don't have time to do it right, where 27777are you going to find the time to do it over? 27778% 27779If you don't know what game you're playing, don't ask what the score is. 27780% 27781If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk! 27782% 27783If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it. 27784 -- Calvin Coolidge 27785% 27786If you don't strike oil in twenty minutes, stop boring. 27787 -- Andrew Carnegie, on public speaking 27788% 27789"If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: 27790Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet." 27791 -- Jay Leno 27792% 27793If you drink, don't park. Accidents make people. 27794% 27795If you eat a live frog in the morning, nothing worse will happen to 27796either of you for the rest of the day. 27797% 27798"If you ever want to get anywhere in politics, my boy, you're going to 27799have to get a toehold in the public eye." 27800% 27801If you ever want to have a lot of fun, I recommend that you go off and program 27802an embedded system. The salient characteristic of an embedded system is that 27803it cannot be allowed to get into a state from which only direct intervention 27804will suffice to remove it. An embedded system can't permanently trust anything 27805it hears from the outside world. It must sniff around, adapt, consider, sniff 27806around, and adapt again. I'm not talking about ordinary modular programming 27807carefulness here. No. Programming an embedded system calls for undiluted 27808raging maniacal paranoia. For example, our ethernet front ends need to know 27809what network number they are on so that they can address and route PUPs 27810properly. How do you find out what your network number is? Easy, you ask a 27811gateway. Gateways are required by definition to know their correct network 27812numbers. Once you've got your network number, you start using it and before 27813you can blink you've got it wired into fifteen different sockets spread all 27814over creation. Now what happens when the panic-stricken operator realizes he 27815was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong 27816network number? Never supposed to happen. Tough. Supposing that your 27817software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network 27818number than before, what's it supposed to do about it? This is not discussed 27819in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you 27820get my drift. 27821% 27822If you explain so clearly that nobody can misunderstand, somebody 27823will. 27824% 27825If you explain something so clearly that no 27826one can possibly misunderstand, someone will. 27827% 27828If you fail to plan, plan to fail. 27829% 27830If you find a solution and become attached to it, 27831the solution may become your next problem. 27832% 27833If you flaunt it, expect to have it trashed. 27834% 27835If you float on instinct alone, how can you 27836calculate the buoyancy for the computed load? 27837 -- Christopher Hodder-Williams 27838% 27839If you fool around with something long 27840enough, it will eventually break. 27841% 27842If you give a man enough rope, he'll claim he's tied up at the office. 27843% 27844If you give Congress a chance to vote on both sides of an issue, it 27845will always do it. 27846 -- Les Aspin, D., Wisconsin 27847% 27848If you go on with this nuclear arms race, all you are going to do is 27849make the rubble bounce. 27850 -- Winston Churchill 27851% 27852If you go out of your mind, do it quietly, 27853so as not to disturb those around you. 27854% 27855If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are 27856all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were 27857swimming. 27858 -- Jack Handey 27859% 27860If you had any brains, you'd be dangerous. 27861% 27862If you had better tools, you could more 27863effectively demonstrate your total incompetence. 27864% 27865If you had just one moment to live 27866And they granted you one special wish 27867Would you ask for something 27868Like another chance. 27869 -- Traffic, "The Low Spark of Hi Heeled Boys" 27870% 27871If you hands are clean and your cause is just 27872and your demands are reasonable, at least it's a start. 27873% 27874If you have a procedure with 10 parameters, you probably missed some. 27875% 27876If you have never been hated by your child, you have never been a parent. 27877 -- Bette Davis 27878% 27879If you have nothing to do, don't do it here. 27880% 27881If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a 27882new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation, 27883does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions. You must 27884make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats. 27885The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if 27886you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer 27887will be courteous as well as responsive. Since you are out of sympathy with 27888cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the 27889dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital. But bear in mind that your opinion 27890of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker. Try to keep things 27891straight. 27892 -- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style" 27893% 27894If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all. 27895 -- Spiro Agnew 27896% 27897If you have to ask how much it is, you can't afford it. 27898% 27899If you have to ask what jazz is, you'll never know. 27900 -- Louis Armstrong 27901% 27902If you have to hate, hate gently. 27903% 27904If you have to think twice about it, you're wrong. 27905% 27906If you haven't enjoyed the material in the last few lectures then a career 27907in chartered accountancy beckons. 27908 -- Advice from the lecturer in the middle of the Stochastic 27909 Systems course. 27910% 27911If you hype something and it succeeds, you're a genius -- it wasn't a 27912hype. If you hype it and it fails, then it was just a hype. 27913 -- Neil Bogart 27914% 27915If you just try long enough and hard enough, you can always manage to 27916boot yourself in the posterior. 27917 -- A. J. Liebling, "The Press" 27918% 27919If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it. 27920% 27921If you keep anything long enough, you can throw it away. 27922% 27923If you keep your mind sufficiently open, people will throw a lot of 27924rubbish into it. 27925 -- William Orton 27926% 27927If you knew what to say next, would you say it? 27928% 27929If you know the answer to a question, don't ask. 27930 -- Petersen Nesbit 27931% 27932If you laid all of our laws end to end, there would be no end. 27933 -- Mark Twain 27934% 27935If you laid all the Elvis impersonators in the world, end to end... 27936you'd wanna run and get a steam roller, real fast. 27937 -- David Letterman 27938% 27939If you learn one useless thing every day, in a single year you'll learn 27940365 useless things. 27941% 27942If you liked the Earth you'll love Heaven. 27943% 27944If you live in a country run by committee, be on the committee. 27945 -- Graham Summer 27946% 27947If you live long enough, you'll see that every victory turns into a defeat. 27948 -- Simone De Beauvoir 27949% 27950If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few 27951people die past the age of a hundred. 27952 -- George Burns 27953% 27954If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets 27955and fire them all off, wouldn't you? 27956 -- Garrison Keillor 27957% 27958If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life. 27959 -- Robert Pante, fashion consultant 27960% 27961If you look like your driver's license photo -- see a doctor. 27962If you look like your passport photo -- it's too late for a doctor. 27963% 27964If you lose a son you can always get another, 27965but there's only one Maltese Falcon. 27966 -- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon" 27967% 27968If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich, 27969or famous or both. 27970% 27971If you love someone, set them free. 27972If they don't come back, then call them up when you're drunk. 27973% 27974If you love something set it free. If it doesn't 27975come back to you, hunt it down and kill it. 27976% 27977If you make a mistake you right it 27978immediately to the best of your ability. 27979% 27980If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year 27981with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep. 27982 -- The Best of Will Rogers 27983% 27984If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; 27985but if you really make them think they'll hate you. 27986% 27987If you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you'll 27988be married to a man who cheats on his wife. 27989 -- Ann Landers 27990% 27991If you mess with a thing long enough, it'll break. 27992 -- Schmidt 27993% 27994If you MUST get married, it is always advisable to marry beauty. 27995Otherwise, you'll never find anybody to take her off your hands. 27996% 27997If you need anything just whistle. 27998You know how to whistle, don't you, Steve? 27999Just put your lips together and blow. 28000 -- Lauren Bacall, "To Have and Have Not" 28001% 28002If you notice that a person is deceiving you, 28003they must not be deceiving you very well. 28004% 28005If you only have a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. 28006 -- Maslow 28007% 28008If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure 28009can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly 28010develop. 28011% 28012If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite 28013you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man. 28014 -- Mark Twain 28015% 28016If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine, 28017you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get 28018ice, but no cup. 28019% 28020If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But 28021this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is 28022somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it. 28023% 28024If you put it off long enough, it might go away. 28025% 28026If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out but tomfoolery. 28027But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, 28028is somehow ennobled and no-one dare criticise it. 28029 -- Pierre Gallois 28030% 28031If you put your supper dish to your ear you can hear the sounds of a 28032restaurant. 28033 -- Snoopy 28034% 28035If you really want to do something new, the good won't help you with it. 28036Let me have men about me that are arrant knaves. The wicked, who have 28037something on their conscience, are obliging, quick to hear threats, because 28038they know how it's done, and for booty. You can offer them things because 28039they will take them. Because they have no hesitations. You can hang them 28040if they get out of step. Let me have men about me that are utter villains 28041-- provided that I have the power, the absolute power, over life and death. 28042 -- Hermann Goering 28043% 28044If you refuse to accept anything but the best you very often get it. 28045% 28046If you remember the 60's, you weren't there. 28047% 28048If you resist reading what you disagree with, how will you ever acquire 28049deeper insights into what you believe? The things most worth reading 28050are precisely those that challenge our convictions. 28051% 28052If you see an onion ring -- answer it! 28053% 28054If you sell diamonds, you cannot expect to have many customers. 28055But a diamond is a diamond even if there are no customers. 28056 -- Swami Prabhupada 28057% 28058If you sit down at a poker game and don't see a sucker, get up. You're 28059the sucker. 28060% 28061If you sow your wild oats, hope for a crop failure. 28062% 28063If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair. 28064% 28065If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from 28066many it's research. 28067 -- Wilson Mizner 28068% 28069If you stew apples like cranberries, 28070they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does. 28071 -- Groucho Marx 28072% 28073If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker, 28074It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock. 28075 Or some joker who is slicker, 28076 Will trick you of your liquor, 28077If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock. 28078% 28079If you stick your head in the sand, 28080one thing is for sure, you're gonna get your rear kicked. 28081% 28082If you suspect a man, don't employ him. 28083% 28084If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have 28085schizophrenia. 28086 -- Thomas Szasz 28087% 28088If you teach your children to like computers and to know how to gamble 28089then they'll always be interested in something and won't come to no real 28090harm. 28091% 28092If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. 28093 -- Mark Twain 28094% 28095If you think before you speak the other guy gets his joke in first. 28096% 28097If you think education is expensive, try ignorance. 28098 -- Derek Bok, president of Harvard 28099% 28100If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens 28101tomorrow! 28102% 28103If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car 28104payments. 28105 -- Earl Wilson 28106% 28107If you think the pen is mightier than the sword, the next time 28108someone pulls out a sword I'd like to see you get up there with 28109your Bic. 28110% 28111If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we've solved it. 28112 -- Arthur Kasspe 28113% 28114If you think the system is working, 28115ask someone who's waiting for a prompt. 28116% 28117If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest 28118shopping center in the world? 28119 -- Richard Nixon 28120% 28121If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you 28122lack sufficient imagination. 28123% 28124If you throw a New Year's Party, the worst thing that you can do would 28125be to throw the kind of party where your guests wake up today, and call 28126you to say they had a nice time. Now you'll be be expected to throw 28127another party next year. 28128 28129What you should do is throw the kind of party where your guest wake up 28130several days from now and call their lawyers to find out if they've 28131been indicted for anything. You want your guests to be so anxious to 28132avoid a recurrence of your party that they immediately start planning 28133parties of their own, a year in advance, just to prevent you from 28134having another one ... 28135 28136If your party is successful, the police will knock on your door, unless 28137your party is very successful in which case they will lob tear gas 28138through your living room window. As host, your job is to make sure 28139that they don't arrest anybody. Or if they're dead set on arresting 28140someone, your job is to make sure it isn't you ... 28141 -- Dave Barry 28142% 28143If you took all of the grains of sand in the world, and lined 28144them up end to end in a row, you'd be working for the government! 28145 -- Mr. Interesting 28146% 28147If you took all the students that felt asleep in class and laid them 28148end to end, they'd be a lot more comfortable. 28149 -- "Graffiti in the Big Ten" 28150% 28151If you took all the women at the Harvard Prom 28152and laid them end to end, I wouldn't be a bit surprised. 28153 -- Dorothy Parker 28154% 28155If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time. 28156 -- F. D. Roosevelt 28157% 28158If you try to please everyone, somebody is not going to like it. 28159% 28160If you understand what you're doing, you're not learning anything. 28161 -- Abraham Lincoln 28162% 28163If you wait long enough, it will go away... after having 28164done its damage. If it was bad, it will be back. 28165% 28166If you want divine justice, die. 28167 -- Nick Seldon 28168% 28169If you want me to be a good little bunny 28170just dangle some carats in front of my nose. 28171 -- Lauren Bacall 28172% 28173If you want to be ruined, marry a rich woman. 28174 -- Michelet 28175% 28176If you want to get rich from writing, write the sort of thing that's 28177read by persons who move their lips when they're reading to themselves. 28178 -- Don Marquis 28179% 28180If you want to know how old a man is, ask his brother-in-law. 28181% 28182If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people 28183he gave it to. 28184 -- Dorothy Parker 28185% 28186If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans. 28187 -- Woody Allen 28188% 28189If you want to put yourself on the map, publish your own map. 28190% 28191If you want to read about love and marriage you've got to buy two separate 28192books. 28193 -- Alan King 28194% 28195If you want to see card tricks, you have to expect to take cards. 28196 -- Harry Blackstone 28197% 28198If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the 28199Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's 28200statecraft. Instead, read selected portions of the Washington 28201telephone directory containing listings for all the organizations with 28202titles beginning with the word "National". 28203 -- George Will 28204% 28205If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every 28206word you say, talk in your sleep. 28207% 28208"If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some 28209memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin' it, 28210even if they don't know what it means." 28211 -- Walt Kelly, "The Pogo Party" 28212% 28213If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal. 28214% 28215If you will practice being fictional for a while, you will understand that 28216fictional characters are sometimes more real than people with bodies and 28217heartbeats. 28218% 28219If you wish to be happy for one hour, get drunk. 28220If you wish to be happy for three days, get married. 28221If you wish to be happy for a month, kill your pig and eat it. 28222If you wish to be happy forever, learn to fish. 28223 -- Chinese proverb 28224% 28225If you wish to live wisely, ignore sayings -- including this one. 28226% 28227If you wish to succeed, consult three old people. 28228% 28229If you wish women to love you, be original; I know a man who wore fur 28230boots summer and winter, and women fell in love with him. 28231 -- Anton Chekov 28232% 28233If you work for a man, in heaven's name, work for him. 28234If he pays you wages which supply you bread and butter, work for him; speak 28235 well of him; stand by him, and by the institution he represents. 28236If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness. 28237If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your 28238 position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content... 28239 but, as long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it. 28240If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the 28241 institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will 28242 be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason 28243 why. 28244% 28245If you would keep a secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend. 28246% 28247If you would know the value of money, go try to borrow some. 28248 -- Benjamin Franklin 28249% 28250If you would understand your own age, read the works 28251of fiction produced in it. People in disguise speak freely. 28252% 28253If you'd like to cultivate insomnia, 28254Bed down with a pretty girl. 28255Amor vincit omnia. 28256% 28257If your aim in life is nothing; you can't miss. 28258% 28259If your bread is stale, make toast. 28260% 28261If your enemy is buried in quicksand up to his neck, pull him out. 28262If he is buried up to his eyes, step on his head. 28263 -- Niccolo Machiavelli, "The Prince" 28264% 28265If your happiness depends on what somebody else does, 28266I guess you do have a problem. 28267 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" 28268% 28269If your life was a horse, you'd have to shoot it. 28270% 28271If your mother knew what you're doing, 28272she'd probably hang her head and cry. 28273% 28274If your parents don't have kids, neither will you. 28275% 28276If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no 28277longer be fantasies. 28278 -- Fran Lebowitz 28279% 28280If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real 28281embarrassing if someone tries to kill you. 28282 -- Jack Handey 28283% 28284If you're careful enough, nothing 28285bad or good will ever happen to you. 28286% 28287If you're carrying a torch, put it down. 28288The Olympics are over. 28289% 28290If you're constantly being mistreated, 28291you're cooperating with the treatment. 28292% 28293If you're crossing the nation in a covered wagon, it's better to have four 28294strong oxen than 100 chickens. Chickens are OK but we can't make them work 28295together yet. 28296 -- Ross Bott, Pyramid U.S., on multiprocessors at AUUGM '89 28297% 28298If you're going to America, bring your own food. 28299 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 28300% 28301If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for 28302tomorrow morning, sleep late. 28303 -- Henny Youngman 28304% 28305If you're going to walk on thin ice, you might as well dance. 28306% 28307If you're happy, you're successful. 28308% 28309If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate. 28310% 28311If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory. 28312 -- Benjamin Disraeli 28313% 28314If you're right 90% of the time, why quibble about the remaining 3%? 28315% 28316If you're worried by earthquakes and nuclear war, 28317As well as by traffic and crime, 28318Consider how worry-free gophers are, 28319Though living on burrowed time. 28320 -- Richard Armour, WSJ, 11/7/83 28321% 28322"If you've done six impossible things before breakfast, why not round 28323it off with dinner at Milliway's, the restaurant at the end of the 28324universe?" 28325% 28326If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all. 28327 -- Ronald Reagan 28328% 28329Ignisecond, n.: 28330 The overlapping moment of time when the hand is locking the car 28331door even as the brain is saying, "my keys are in there!" 28332 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 28333% 28334IGNORANCE: 28335 When you don't know anything, and someone else finds out. 28336% 28337Ignorance is bliss. 28338 -- Thomas Gray 28339 28340Fortune updates the great quotes, #42: 28341 BLISS is ignorance. 28342% 28343Ignorance is never out of style. It was in fashion yesterday, it is the 28344rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow. 28345 -- Franklin K. Dane 28346% 28347Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out. 28348% 28349Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people 28350so resolutely pursuing it. 28351% 28352Ignore previous fortune. 28353% 28354Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux 28355 Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave, 28356Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex, 28357 Et le m^omerade horgrave. 28358 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 28359% 28360Il brilgue: les toves libricilleux 28361 Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave, 28362Enmimes sont les gougebosquex, 28363 Et le momerade horgrave. 28364 28365Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven 28366 Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben; 28367Und aller-mumsige Burggoven 28368 Dir mohmen Rath ausgraben. 28369% 28370Iles's Law: 28371 There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly 28372at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it. 28373Neither will Iles. 28374% 28375I'll be comfortable on the couch. Famous last words. 28376 -- Lenny Bruce 28377% 28378I'll be Grateful when they're Dead. 28379% 28380I'll burn my books. 28381 -- Christopher Marlowe 28382% 28383I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over, 28384carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia, 28385I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun. 28386 -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H 28387% 28388I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd 28389listen to it! 28390 -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire 28391% 28392I'll give you my opinion of the human race in a nutshell ... their heart's 28393in the right place, but their head is a thoroughly inefficient organ. 28394 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Summing Up" 28395% 28396I'll grant thee random access to my heart, 28397Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love; 28398And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove 28399And in our bound partition never part. 28400 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 28401% 28402I'll grant thee random access to my heart, 28403Thou'lt tell me all the constants of thy love; 28404And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove 28405And in our bound partition never part. 28406 28407Cancel me not -- for what then shall remain? 28408Abscissas, some mantissas, modules, modes, 28409A root or two, a torus and a node: 28410The inverse of my verse, a null domain. 28411 28412I see the eigenvalue in thine eye, 28413I hear the tender tensor in thy sigh. 28414Bernoulli would have been content to die 28415Had he but known such a-squared cos 2(thi)! 28416% 28417I'll learn to play the Saxophone, 28418I play just what I feel. 28419Drink Scotch whisky all night long, 28420And die behind the wheel. 28421They got a name for the winners in the world, 28422I want a name when I lose. 28423They call Alabama the Crimson Tide, 28424Call me Deacon Blues. 28425 -- Becker and Fagan, "Deacon Blues" 28426% 28427I'll meet you... on the dark side of the moon... 28428 -- Pink Floyd 28429% 28430I'll never get off this planet. 28431 -- Luke Skywalker 28432% 28433I'll pretend to trust you if you'll pretend to trust me. 28434% 28435"I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob. 28436That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood." 28437 -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones] 28438% 28439I'll turn over a new leaf. 28440 -- Miguel de Cervantes 28441% 28442Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask 28443any Indian. 28444 -- Robert Orben 28445 28446Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. 28447 -- Jack Paar 28448% 28449Illegitimi non carborundum 28450(translation: no carbonated drinks allowed.) 28451% 28452Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the 28453land He's trying to ignore. 28454% 28455Illiterate? Write today, for free help! 28456% 28457Illusion is the first of all pleasures. 28458 -- Voltaire 28459% 28460"I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from 28461man." 28462% 28463"I'm a doctor, not a mechanic." 28464 -- "The Doomsday Machine", when asked if he had heard of 28465 the idea of a doomsday machine. 28466"I'm a doctor, not an escalator." 28467 -- "Friday's Child", when asked to help the very pregnant 28468 Ellen up a steep incline. 28469"I'm a doctor, not a bricklayer." 28470 -- "Devil in the Dark", when asked to patch up the Horta. 28471"I'm a doctor, not an engineer." 28472 -- "Mirror, Mirror", when asked by Scotty for help in 28473 Engineering aboard the USS Enterprise. 28474"I'm a doctor, not a coalminer." 28475 -- "The Empath", on being beneath the surface of Minara 2. 28476"I'm a surgeon, not a psychiatrist." 28477 -- "City on the Edge of Forever", on Edith Keeler's remark 28478 that Kirk talked strangely. 28479"I'm no magician, Spock, just an old country doctor." 28480 -- "The Deadly Years", to Spock while trying to cure the 28481 aging effects of the rogue comet near Gamma Hydra 4. 28482"What am I, a doctor or a moonshuttle conductor?" 28483 -- "The Corbomite Maneuver", when Kirk rushed off from a 28484 physical exam to answer the alert. 28485% 28486I'm a Hollywood writer; so I put on 28487a sports jacket and take off my brain. 28488% 28489I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me! 28490% 28491I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to 28492thank everyone for making this night necessary. 28493 -- Yogi Berra at a dinner in his honor 28494% 28495"I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my 28496sister." 28497% 28498I'm also inclined to believe that if you wait long enough, you will 28499eventually have more than 255 of almost *anything*.... 28500 -- A. Lyman Chapin 28501% 28502I'm always looking for a new idea that 28503will be more productive than its cost. 28504 -- David Rockefeller 28505% 28506I'm an artist. 28507But it's not what I really want to do. 28508What I really want to do is be a shoe salesman. 28509I know what you're going to say -- 28510"Dreamer! Get your head out of the clouds." 28511All right! But it's what I want to do. 28512Instead I have to go on painting all day long. 28513 28514The world should make a place for shoe salesmen. 28515 -- J. Feiffer 28516% 28517I'm an evolutionist; I refuse to believe 28518that I could have been created by man. 28519% 28520"I'm ANN LANDERS!! I can SHOPLIFT!!" 28521 -- Zippy the Pinhead 28522% 28523I'm changing my name to Chrysler 28524I'm going down to Washington, D.C. 28525I'll tell some power broker 28526 What they did for Iacocca 28527Will be perfectly acceptable to me! 28528I'm changing my name to Chrysler, 28529I'm heading for that great receiving line. 28530When they hand a million grand out, 28531 I'll be standing with my hand out, 28532Yessir, I'll get mine! 28533 -- Tom Paxton 28534% 28535I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did. 28536% 28537I'm dying beyond my means. 28538 -- Oscar Wilde, his last words, while sipping champagne 28539% 28540"I'm dying," he croaked. 28541"My experiment was a success," the chemist retorted. 28542"You can't really train a beagle," he dogmatized. 28543"That's no beagle, it's a mongrel," she muttered. 28544"The fire is going out," he bellowed. 28545"Bad marksmanship," the hunter groused. 28546"You ought to see a psychiatrist," he reminded me. 28547"You snake," she rattled. 28548"Someone's at the door," she chimed. 28549"Company's coming," she guessed. 28550"Dawn came too soon," she mourned. 28551"I think I'll end it all," Sue sighed. 28552"I ordered chocolate, not vanilla," I screamed. 28553"Your embroidery is sloppy," she needled cruelly. 28554"Where did you get this meat?" he bridled hoarsely. 28555 -- Gyles Brandreth, "The Joy of Lex" 28556% 28557"I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to 28558die in." 28559 -- George McGovern 28560% 28561I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults. 28562 -- Gore Vidal 28563% 28564I'm free -- and freedom tastes of reality. 28565% 28566I'm glad I was not born before tea. 28567 -- Sidney Smith (1771-1845) 28568% 28569I'm glad that I'm an American, 28570I'm glad that I am free, 28571But I wish I were a little doggy, 28572And McGovern were a tree. 28573% 28574I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today. Happens 28575every six months or so. So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I'd share 28576it with you. 28577 28578> In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and 28579 the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue. 28580> And in LA it's 72. 28581 28582> In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity 28583 is a million percent. 28584> And in LA it's 72. 28585 28586> In New York there are a million interesting people. 28587> And in LA there are 72. 28588% 28589I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man. 28590 -- Fred Allen 28591% 28592I'm going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I'm going to Lourdes. 28593 -- Woody Allen 28594% 28595I'm going to live forever, or die trying! 28596 -- Spider Robinson 28597% 28598I'm going to raise an issue and stick it in your ear. 28599 -- John Foreman 28600% 28601I'm going to Vietnam at the request of the White House. President Johnson 28602says a war isn't really a war without my jokes. 28603 -- Bob Hope 28604% 28605I'm hungry, time to eat lunch. 28606% 28607I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here? 28608 -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate 28609% 28610I'm just as sad as sad can be! 28611 I've missed your special date. 28612Please say that you're not mad at me 28613 My tax return is late. 28614 -- Modern Lines for Modern Greeting Cards 28615% 28616I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be 28617living apart. 28618 -- E. E. Cummings 28619% 28620I'm N-ary the tree, I am, 28621N-ary the tree, I am, I am. 28622I'm getting traversed by the parser next door, 28623She's traversed me seven times before. 28624And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!) 28625Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!) 28626I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary. 28627N-ary the tree I am, I am, 28628N-ary the tree I am. 28629 -- Stolen from Paul Revere and the Raiders 28630% 28631I'm not a lovable man. 28632 -- Richard Nixon 28633% 28634I'm not a real movie star -- I've still got the same wife I started out 28635with twenty-eight years ago. 28636 -- Will Rogers 28637% 28638I'm not afraid of death -- I just don't want to be there when it happens. 28639 -- Woody Allen 28640% 28641I'm not denyin' the women are foolish: God Almighty made 'em to 28642match the men. 28643 -- George Eliot 28644% 28645I'm not even going to *bother* comparing C to BASIC or FORTRAN. 28646 -- L. Zolman, creator of BDS C 28647% 28648I'm not laughing with you, I'm laughing at you. 28649% 28650I'm not offering myself as an example; 28651every life evolves by its own laws. 28652% 28653I'm not prejudiced, I hate everyone equally. 28654% 28655I'm not proud. 28656% 28657"I'm not stupid, I'm not expendable, and I'M NOT GOING!" 28658% 28659I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be President. 28660 -- Barry Goldwater, in 1964 28661% 28662I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert! 28663% 28664I'm not the person your mother warned you about... her imagination isn't 28665that good. 28666 -- Amy Gorin 28667% 28668"I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. 28669It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get." 28670% 28671I'm often asked the question, "Do you think there is extraterrestrial intelli- 28672gence?" I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there, 28673and use the word *billions*, and so on. And then I say it would be astonishing 28674to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as 28675yet no compelling evidence for it. And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you 28676really think?" I say, "I just told you what I really think." "Yeah, but 28677what's your gut feeling?" But I try not to think with my gut. Really, it's 28678okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in. 28679 -- Carl Sagan 28680% 28681"I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday 28682life." 28683% 28684I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is 28685-- I could be just as proud for half the money. 28686 -- Arthur Godfrey 28687% 28688I'm rated PG-34!! 28689% 28690"I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again ____REAL 28691soon ..." 28692% 28693I'm really enjoying not talking to you... 28694Let's not talk again REAL soon... 28695% 28696"I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it 28697(your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage." 28698 -- English Professor, Providence College 28699% 28700I'm so broke I can't even pay attention. 28701% 28702I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here. 28703% 28704"I'm sorry, but after reading this thread, I'm having a hard time 28705coming up with an explanation for this nonsense which doesn't involve 28706you being a dumbass." 28707 -- Bill Paul <wpaul@FreeBSD.org> 28708% 28709I'm sorry, but my kharma just ran over your dogma. 28710% 28711I'm sorry I missed. 28712 -- Squeaky Fromme 28713% 28714I'm sorry if the correct way of doing things offends you. 28715% 28716I'm still waiting for the advent of the computer science groupie. 28717% 28718I'm successful because I'm lucky. 28719The harder I work, the luckier I get. 28720% 28721"I'm terribly sorry, sir," the novice barber apologized, after badly nicking 28722a customer. "Let me wrap your head in a towel." 28723 "That's all right," said the customer. "I'll just take it home under 28724my arm." 28725% 28726I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, 28727I know the scientific names of beings animalculous; 28728In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, 28729I am the very model of a modern Major-General. 28730 -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "The Pirates of Penzance" 28731% 28732I'm very old-fashioned. I believe that people should marry for life, 28733like pigeons and Catholics. 28734 -- Woody Allen 28735% 28736"I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's 28737lives" 28738% 28739Imagination is more important than knowledge. 28740 -- Albert Einstein 28741% 28742Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality. 28743 -- Jules de Gaultier 28744% 28745"Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the 28746usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody 28747thinks of complaining." 28748 -- Jeff Raskin, interviewed in Doctor Dobb's Journal 28749% 28750Imagine that Cray computer decides to make a personal computer. It has 28751a 150 MHz processor, 200 megabytes of RAM, 1500 megabytes of disk 28752storage, a screen resolution of 4096 x 4096 pixels, relies entirely on 28753voice recognition for input, fits in your shirt pocket and costs $300. 28754What's the first question that the computer community asks? 28755 28756"Is it PC compatible?" 28757% 28758Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try. 28759 -- John Lennon, "Imagine" 28760% 28761Imagine what we can imagine! 28762 -- Arthur Rubinstein 28763% 28764Imbalance of power corrupts and monopoly of power corrupts absolutely. 28765 -- Genji 28766% 28767Imbesi's Law with Freeman's Extension: 28768 In order for something to become clean, something else must 28769 become dirty; but you can get everything dirty without getting 28770 anything clean. 28771% 28772Imitation is the sincerest form of television. 28773 -- Fred Allen 28774% 28775Immanuel doesn't pun, he Kant. 28776% 28777Immanuel Kant but Kubla Khan. 28778% 28779Immature artists imitate, mature artists steal. 28780 -- Lionel Trilling 28781% 28782Immature poets imitate, mature poets steal. 28783 -- T. S. Eliot, "Philip Massinger" 28784% 28785Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery. 28786 -- Jack Paar 28787% 28788Immortality -- a fate worse than death. 28789 -- Edgar A. Shoaff 28790% 28791Immutability, Three Rules of: 28792 (1) If a tarpaulin can flap, it will. 28793 (2) If a small boy can get dirty, he will. 28794 (3) If a teenager can go out, he will. 28795% 28796Impartial, adj.: 28797 Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from 28798espousing either side of a controversy or adopting either of two 28799conflicting opinions. 28800 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 28801% 28802Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the mail. 28803Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the Boss is reading 28804it. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving 28805from where you left them to where you can't find them. 28806% 28807Important letters which contain no errors will develop errors in the 28808mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the 28809Boss is reading it. 28810% 28811Impossible, adj.: 28812 (1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve; 28813 (2) I can't be bothered; 28814 (3) God can't be bothered. 28815Meaning (3) may perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck. 28816 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" 28817% 28818In 1750 Isaac Newton became discouraged when he fell up a flight of 28819stairs. 28820% 28821In 1869 the waffle iron was invented for people who had wrinkled 28822waffles. 28823% 28824In 1880 the French captured Detroit but gave it back ... they couldn't 28825get parts. 28826% 28827In 1914, the first crossword puzzle was printed in a newspaper. The 28828creator received $4000 down ... and $3000 across. 28829% 28830In 1915 pancake make-up was invented but most people still preferred 28831syrup. 28832% 28833In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin 28834in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to 28835revolution. But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from 28836behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka 28837shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops. 28838 28839It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the 28840ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go. 28841% 28842In 1989, the United States, which was displeased with the policies of the 28843dictator of Panama, invaded that country and placed in power a government 28844more to its liking. 28845 28846In 1990, Iraq, which was displeased with the policies of the dictator of 28847Kuwait, invaded that country and placed in power a government more to its 28848liking. 28849% 28850In a bottle, the neck is always at the top. 28851% 28852In a circuit with a fast-acting fuse, 28853an IC will blow to protect the fuse. 28854% 28855In a consumer society there are inevitably two kinds of slaves: 28856the prisoners of addiction and the prisoners of envy. 28857% 28858In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death 28859by slow starvation. The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat, 28860has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat. 28861 -- Leon Trotsky, 1937 28862% 28863In a display of perverse brilliance, Carl the repairman mistakes a room 28864humidifier for a mid-range computer but manages to tie it into the network 28865anyway. 28866 -- The 5th Wave 28867% 28868In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only 28869we can't control when the five year period will begin. 28870% 28871In a gathering of two or more people, when a lighted cigarette is 28872placed in an ashtray, the smoke will waft into the face of the non-smoker. 28873% 28874In a great romance, each person basically plays a part that the 28875other really likes. 28876 -- Elizabeth Ashley 28877% 28878In a hierarchy every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence ... 28879in time every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent 28880to carry out its duties ... Work is accomplished by those employees who 28881have not yet reached their level of incompetence. 28882 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "The Peter Principle" 28883% 28884In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth" 28885Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex. 28886 -- Frank Mankiewicz 28887% 28888In a minimum-phase system there is an inextricable link between 28889frequency response, phase response and transient response, as they 28890are all merely transforms of one another. This combined with 28891minimization of open-loop errors in output amplifiers and correct 28892compensation for non-linear passive crossover network loading can 28893lead to a significant decrease in system resolution lost. However, 28894this all means jack when you listen to Pink Floyd. 28895% 28896In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, 28897"one when he was a boy and one when he was a man." 28898 -- Mark Twain 28899% 28900In a surprise raid last night, federal agent's ransacked a house in search 28901of a rebel computer hacker. However, they were unable to complete the arrest 28902because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only 28903person in the house was named don provan. Proving, once again, that Unix is 28904superior to Tops10. 28905% 28906In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's 28907taste and in a sports car it's impossible. 28908% 28909In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground 28910with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call 28911this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf. 28912% 28913In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one 28914of the risks he takes. 28915 -- Adlai Stevenson 28916% 28917In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you save. 28918% 28919In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so 28920sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All 28921those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the 28922devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up 28923as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you. 28924 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 28925% 28926In an age when the fashion is to be in love with yourself, confessing to 28927be in love with somebody else is an admission of unfaithfulness to one's 28928beloved. 28929 -- Russell Baker 28930% 28931In an orderly world, there's always a place for the disorderly. 28932% 28933In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own 28934incompetency 28935 -- The Peter Principle 28936% 28937In any country there must be people who have to die. They are the 28938sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order. 28939 -- Idi Amin Dada 28940% 28941In any formula, constants (especially those obtained from handbooks) 28942are to be treated as variables. 28943% 28944In any problem, if you find yourself doing an infinite amount of work, 28945the answer may be obtained by inspection. 28946% 28947"In any world menu, Canada must be considered the vichyssoise of 28948nations -- it's cold, half-French, and difficult to stir." 28949 -- Stuart Keate 28950% 28951In Blythe, California, a city ordinance declares that a person must own 28952at least two cows before he can wear cowboy boots in public. 28953% 28954In Boston, it is illegal to hold frog-jumping contests in nightclubs. 28955% 28956IN BOX: 28957 A catch basin for everything you don't want 28958 to deal with, but are afraid to throw away. 28959% 28960In breeding cattle you need one bull for every twenty-five cows, unless 28961the cows are known sluts. 28962 -- Johnny Carson 28963% 28964In Brooklyn, we had such great pennant races, it 28965made the World Series just something that came later. 28966 -- Walter O'Malley, Dodgers owner 28967% 28968In buying horses and taking a wife 28969shut your eyes tight and commend yourself to God. 28970% 28971In California, Bill Honig, the Superintendent of Public Instruction, said he 28972thought the general public should have a voice in defining what an excellent 28973teacher should know. "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig 28974said, "up to the mathematicians." 28975 -- The New York Times, October 22, 1985 28976% 28977In California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make 28978it into television shows. 28979 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall" 28980% 28981In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended. 28982% 28983In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools 28984will be temporarily canceled. 28985% 28986In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!" 28987 -- The Kidner Report 28988% 28989In case of fire, yell "FIRE!" 28990% 28991In case of injury notify your superior immediately. He'll kiss it and 28992make it better. 28993% 28994In charity there is no excess. 28995 -- Francis Bacon 28996% 28997In childhood a woman must be subject to her father; in youth to her 28998husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never 28999be free of subjugation. 29000 -- The Hindu Code of Manu 29001% 29002In Christianity, a man may have only one wife. 29003This is called Monotony. 29004% 29005In Columbia, Pennsylvania, it is against the law for a pilot to tickle 29006a female flying student under her chin with a feather duster in order 29007to get her attention. 29008% 29009In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter. 29010% 29011In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride 29012in any motor vehicle. 29013% 29014"In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable." 29015 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery 29016% 29017In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door 29018neighbor. 29019% 29020In Devon, Connecticut, it is unlawful to walk backwards after sunset. 29021% 29022In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last 29023resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but 29024inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. 29025 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 29026% 29027In dwelling, be close to the land. 29028In meditation, delve deep into the heart. 29029In dealing with others, be gentle and kind. 29030In speech, be true. 29031In work, be competent. 29032In action, be careful of your timing. 29033 -- Lao Tsu 29034% 29035In English, every word can be verbed. Would that it were so in our 29036programming languages. 29037% 29038In every country and every age, the priest has been hostile to Liberty. 29039 -- Thomas Jefferson 29040% 29041In every hierarchy the cream rises until it sours. 29042 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter 29043% 29044In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun. 29045Find the fun and snap! The job's a game. 29046And every task you undertake, becomes a piece of cake, 29047 a lark, a spree; it's very clear to see. 29048 -- Mary Poppins 29049% 29050In every non-trivial program there is at least one bug. 29051% 29052In fact, S. M. Simpson, eventually devised an efficient 24-point Fourier 29053transform, which was a precursor to the Cooley-Tukey fast Fourier transform 29054in 1965. The FFT made all of Simpson's efficient autocorrelation and 29055spectrum programs instantly obsolete, on which he had worked half a lifetime. 29056 -- Proc. IEEE, Sept. 1982, p.900 29057% 29058In fiction the recourse of the powerless is murder; 29059in life the recourse of the powerless is petty theft. 29060% 29061In Germany they first came for the Communists and I didn't speak up because 29062I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up 29063because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I 29064didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the 29065Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came 29066for me -- and by that time no one was left to speak up. 29067 -- Pastor Martin Niemoller 29068% 29069In God we trust; all else we walk through. 29070% 29071In good speaking, should not the mind of the speaker 29072know the truth of the matter about which he is to speak? 29073 -- Plato 29074% 29075In Greene, New York, it is illegal to eat peanuts and walk backwards on 29076the sidewalks when a concert is on. 29077% 29078In her first passion woman loves her lover, 29079In all the others all she loves is love. 29080 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan" 29081% 29082In high school in Brooklyn 29083I was the baseball manager, 29084proud as I could be 29085I chased baseballs, 29086gathered thrown bats 29087handed out the towels Eventually, I bought my own 29088It was very important work but it was dark blue while 29089for a small spastic kid, the official ones were green 29090but I was a team member Nobody ever said anything 29091When the team got to me about my blue jacket; 29092their warm-up jackets the guys were my friends 29093I didn't get one Yet it hurt me all year 29094Only the regular team to wear that blue jacket 29095got these jackets, and among all those green ones 29096surely not a manager Even now, forty years after, 29097 I still recall that jacket 29098 and the memory goes on hurting. 29099 -- Bart Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance" 29100% 29101In Hollywood, all marriages are happy. It's trying to live together 29102afterwards that causes the problems. 29103 -- Shelley Winters 29104% 29105In Hollywood, if you don't have happiness, you send out for it. 29106 -- Rex Reed 29107% 29108In India, "cold weather" is merely a conventional phrase and has come 29109into use through the necessity of having some way to distinguish 29110between weather which will melt a brass door-knob and weather which 29111will only make it mushy. 29112 -- Mark Twain 29113% 29114In Italy, for thirty years under the Borgias, they had warfare, terror, 29115murder, and bloodshed, but they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci 29116and the Renaissance. In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had 29117five hundred years of democracy and peace -- and what did they produce? 29118The cuckoo-clock. 29119 -- Orson Welles, "The Third Man" 29120% 29121In just seven days, I can make you a man! 29122 -- The Rocky Horror Picture Show 29123 [ (and seven nights...) Ed.] 29124% 29125In less than a century, computers will be making substantial 29126progress on ... the overriding problem of war and peace. 29127 -- James Slagle 29128% 29129In Lexington, Kentucky, it's illegal to carry an ice cream cone in your 29130pocket. 29131% 29132In like a dimwit, out like a light. 29133 -- Pogo 29134% 29135In love, she who gives her portrait promises the original. 29136 -- Bruton 29137% 29138In Lowes Crossroads, Delaware, it is a violation of local law for any 29139pilot or passenger to carry an ice cream cone in their pocket while 29140either flying or waiting to board a plane. 29141% 29142In marriage, as in war, it is permitted 29143to take every advantage of the enemy. 29144% 29145In Marseilles they make half the toilet soap we consume in America, but 29146the Marseillaise only have a vague theoretical idea of its use, which they 29147have obtained from books of travel. 29148 -- Mark Twain 29149% 29150In matters of principle, stand like a rock; 29151in matters of taste, swim with the current. 29152 -- Thomas Jefferson 29153% 29154In Memphis, Tennessee, it is illegal for a woman to drive a car unless 29155there is a man either running or walking in front of it waving a red 29156flag to warn approaching motorists and pedestrians. 29157% 29158In Mexico we have a word for sushi: bait. 29159 -- Josi Simon 29160% 29161In Minnesota they ask why all football fields in Iowa have artificial turf. 29162It's so the cheerleaders won't graze during the game. 29163% 29164In most instances, all an argument 29165proves is that two people are present. 29166% 29167In my end is my beginning. 29168 -- Mary Stuart, Queen of Scots 29169% 29170In my experience, if you have to keep the lavatory door shut by extending 29171your left leg, it's modern architecture. 29172 -- Nancy Banks Smith 29173% 29174IN MY OPINION anyone interested in improving himself should not rule out 29175becoming pure energy. 29176 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. 29177% 29178In Nature there are neither rewards nor 29179punishments, there are consequences. 29180 -- R. G. Ingersoll 29181% 29182In Ohio, if you ignore an orator on Decoration day to such an extent as 29183to publicly play croquet or pitch horseshoes within one mile of the 29184speaker's stand, you can be fined $25.00. 29185% 29186In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar -- 29187a practice which is still continued. 29188 -- Helen Rowland 29189% 29190In order to dial out, it is necessary to broaden one's dimension. 29191% 29192In order to discover who you are, first learn who everybody else is; 29193you're what's left. 29194% 29195In order to get a loan you must first prove you don't need it. 29196% 29197In order to live free and happily, you must sacrifice boredom. 29198It is not always an easy sacrifice. 29199% 29200"In order to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the 29201universe." 29202 -- Carl Sagan, Cosmos 29203% 29204In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, 29205intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from 29206the cares of office. 29207 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 29208% 29209In Oz, never say "krizzle kroo" to a Woozy. 29210% 29211In Pierre Trudeau, Canada has finally produced 29212a Prime Minister worthy of assassination. 29213 -- John Diefenbaker 29214% 29215In Pocataligo, Georgia, it is a violation for a woman over 200 pounds 29216and attired in shorts to pilot or ride in an airplane. 29217% 29218In Pocatello, Idaho, a law passed in 1912 provided that "The carrying 29219of concealed weapons is forbidden, unless same are exhibited to public 29220view." 29221% 29222In practice, failures in system development, like unemployment in Russia, 29223happens a lot despite official propaganda to the contrary. 29224 -- Paul Licker 29225% 29226In real love you want the other person's good. In romantic love you 29227want the other person. 29228 -- Margaret Anderson 29229% 29230In Riemann, Hilbert or in Banach space 29231Let superscripts and subscripts go their ways. 29232Our asymptotes no longer out of phase, 29233We shall encounter, counting, face to face. 29234 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 29235% 29236In San Francisco, Halloween is redundant. 29237 -- Will Durst 29238% 29239In science it often happens that scientists say, "You know that's a really 29240good argument; my position is mistaken," and then they actually change 29241their minds and you never hear that old view from them again. They really 29242do it. It doesn't happen as often as it should, because scientists are 29243human and change is sometimes painful. But it happens every day. I cannot 29244recall the last time something like that happened in politics or religion. 29245 -- Carl Sagan, 1987 CSICOP keynote address 29246% 29247In Seattle, Washington, it is illegal to carry a concealed weapon that 29248is over six feet in length. 29249% 29250In seeking the unattainable, simplicity only gets in the way. 29251 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 29252% 29253"In short, _N is Richardian if, and only if, _N is not Richardian." 29254% 29255In specifications, Murphy's Law supersedes Ohm's. 29256% 29257In spite of everything, I still believe that people are good at heart. 29258 -- Anne Frank 29259% 29260In success there's a tendency to keep on doing what you were doing. 29261 -- Alan Kay 29262% 29263In Tennessee, it is illegal to shoot any game other than whales from a 29264moving automobile. 29265% 29266[In the 60's] there was madness in any direction, at any hour ... You 29267could strike sparks anywhere. There was a fantastic universal sense 29268that whatever we were doing was `right', that we were winning ... 29269 29270And that, I think, was the handle -- the sense of inevitable victory 29271over the forces of Old and Evil. Not in any mean or military sense; we 29272didn't need that. Our energy would simply `prevail'. There was no 29273point in fighting -- on our side or theirs. We had all the momentum; 29274we were riding the crest of a high and beautiful wave ... 29275 29276So now, less than five years later, you can go up on a steep hill in 29277Las Vegas and look West, and with the right kind of eyes you can almost 29278___see the high-water mark -- the place where the wave finally broke and 29279rolled back. 29280 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" 29281% 29282In the beginning there was nothing. And the Lord said "Let There Be Light!" 29283And still there was nothing, but at least now you could see it. 29284% 29285In the beginning was the word. 29286But by the time the second word was added to it, 29287there was trouble. 29288For with it came syntax ... 29289 -- John Simon 29290% 29291In the course of reading Hadamard's "The Psychology of Invention in the 29292Mathematical Field", I have come across evidence supporting a fact 29293which we coffee achievers have long appreciated: no really creative, 29294intelligent thought is possible without a good cup of coffee. On page 2929514, Hadamard is discussing Poincare's theory of fuchsian groups and 29296fuchsian functions, which he describes as "... one of his greatest 29297discoveries, the first which consecrated his glory ..." Hadamard refers 29298to Poincare having had a "... sleepless night which initiated all that 29299memorable work ..." and gives the following, very revealing quote: 29300 29301 "One evening, contrary to my custom, I drank black coffee and 29302 could not sleep. Ideas rose in crowds; I felt them collide 29303 until pairs interlocked, so to speak, making a stable 29304 combination." 29305 29306Too bad drinking black coffee was contrary to his custom. Maybe he 29307could really have amounted to something as a coffee achiever. 29308% 29309In the days of old, 29310When Knights were bold, 29311 And women were too cautious; 29312Oh, those gallant days, 29313When women were women, 29314 And men were really obnoxious. 29315% 29316In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he sat 29317hacking at the PDP-6. "What are you doing?", asked Minsky. "I am 29318training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe." "Why is the 29319net wired randomly?", asked Minsky. "I do not want it to have any 29320preconceptions of how to play." Minsky shut his eyes. "Why do you 29321close your eyes?", Sussman asked his teacher. "So the room will be 29322empty." At that moment, Sussman was enlightened. 29323% 29324In the dimestores and bus stations 29325People talk of situations 29326Read books repeat quotations 29327Draw conclusions on the wall. 29328 -- Bob Dylan 29329% 29330In the early morning queue, 29331With a listing in my hand. 29332With a worry in my heart, There on terminal number 9, 29333Waitin' here in CERAS-land. Pascal run all set to go. 29334I'm a long way from sleep, But I'm waitin' in the queue, 29335How I miss a good meal so. With this code that ever grows. 29336In the early mornin' queue, Now the lobby chairs are soft, 29337With no place to go. But that can't make the queue move fast. 29338 Hey, there it goes my friend, 29339 I've moved up one at last. 29340 -- Ernest Adams, "Early Morning Queue", to "Early 29341 Morning Rain" by G. Lightfoot 29342% 29343In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It changes 29344into a bird whose wings are like clouds filling the sky. When this bird 29345moves across the land, it brings a message from Corporate Headquarters. This 29346message it drops into the midst of the programmers, like a seagull making 29347its mark upon the beach. Then the bird mounts on the wind and, with the blue 29348sky at its back, returns home. 29349 29350The novice programmer stares in wonder at the bird, for he understands it not. 29351The average programmer dreads the coming of the bird, for he fears its message. 29352The master programmer continues to work at his terminal, for he does not know 29353 that the bird has come and gone. 29354% 29355In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man. 29356 -- Martin Mull 29357% 29358In the first place, God made idiots; 29359this was for practice; then he made school boards. 29360 -- Mark Twain 29361% 29362In the force if Yoda's so strong, construct a sentence with words in 29363the proper order then why can't he? 29364% 29365In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians. 29366 -- Joseph Stalin 29367% 29368In the future, you're going to get computers as prizes in breakfast cereals. 29369You'll throw them out because your house will be littered with them. 29370% 29371In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls. 29372 -- Lenny Bruce 29373% 29374In the highest society, as well as in the lowest, 29375woman is merely an instrument of pleasure. 29376 -- Tolstoy 29377% 29378In the land of the dark, the Ship of the Sun is driven by the Grateful 29379Dead. 29380 -- Egyptian Book of the Dead 29381% 29382In the long run, every program becomes rococo, and then rubble. 29383 -- Alan Perlis 29384% 29385In the long run we are all dead. 29386 -- John Maynard Keynes 29387% 29388In the middle of a wide field is a pot of gold. 100 feet to the north stands 29389a smart manager. 100 feet to the south stands a dumb manager. 100 feet to 29390the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus. 29391 29392Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first? 29393A: The dumb manager. All the rest are myths. 29394% 29395In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man 29396noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of 29397the revelers. Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet 29398conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this 29399jaded group. Why don't I take you home?"" 29400 "Fine," said the girl, smiling up at him demurely. "Where do you 29401live?" 29402% 29403In the misfortune of our friends we find something that is not 29404displeasing to us. 29405 -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims" 29406% 29407In the next world, you're on your own. 29408% 29409In the Old West a wagon train is crossing the plains. As night falls the 29410wagon train forms a circle, and a campfire is lit in the middle. After 29411everyone has gone to sleep two lone cavalry officers stand watch over the 29412camp. 29413 After several hours of quiet, they hear war drums starting from 29414a nearby Indian village they had passed during the day. The drums get 29415louder and louder. 29416 Finally one soldier turns to the other and says, "I don't like 29417the sound of those drums." 29418 Suddenly, they hear a cry come from the Indian camp: "IT'S 29419NOT OUR REGULAR DRUMMER." 29420% 29421In the olden days in England, you could be hung for stealing a sheep or 29422a loaf of bread. However, if a sheep stole a loaf of bread and gave it 29423to you, you would only be tried for receiving, a crime punishable by 29424forty lashes with the cat or the dog, whichever was handy. If you 29425stole a dog and were caught, you were punished with twelve rabbit 29426punches, although it was hard to find rabbits big enough or strong 29427enough to punch you. 29428 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 29429% 29430In the plot, people came to the land; the land loved them; they worked and 29431struggled and had lots of children. There was a Frenchman who talked funny 29432and a greenhorn from England who was a fancy-pants but when it came to the 29433crunch he was all courage. Those novels would make you retch. 29434 -- Canadian novelist Robertson Davies, on the generic Canadian 29435 novel. 29436% 29437In the space of one hundred and seventy-six years the Mississippi has 29438shortened itself two hundred and forty-two miles. Therefore ... in the 29439Old Silurian Period the Mississippi River was upward of one million 29440three hundred thousand miles long ... seven hundred and forty-two years 29441from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long. 29442... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such 29443wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of 29444fact. 29445 -- Mark Twain 29446% 29447In the Spring, I have counted 136 29448different kinds of weather inside of 24 hours. 29449 -- Mark Twain, on New England weather 29450% 29451In the stairway of life, you'd best take the elevator. 29452% 29453In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to 29454drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at 29455discotheques. 29456 -- Art Linkletter 29457% 29458In the war of wits, he's unarmed. 29459% 29460In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. 29461In practice, there is. 29462% 29463In these matters the only certainty is that there is nothing certain. 29464 -- Pliny the Elder 29465% 29466In this vale 29467Of toil and sin 29468Your head grows bald 29469But not your chin. 29470 -- Burma Shave 29471% 29472In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes. 29473 -- Benjamin Franklin 29474% 29475In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be 29476thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican. 29477 -- H. L. Mencken 29478% 29479In this world some people are going to like me and some are not. 29480So, I may as well be me. Then I know if someone likes me, they like me. 29481% 29482In this world there are only two tragedies. One is 29483not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. 29484 -- Oscar Wilde 29485% 29486In this world, truth can wait; she's used to it. 29487% 29488In those days he was wiser than he is now -- he used to frequently take 29489my advice. 29490 -- Winston Churchill 29491% 29492In time, every post tends to be occupied by an 29493employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties. 29494 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter 29495% 29496In Tulsa, Oklahoma, it is against the law to open a soda bottle without 29497the supervision of a licensed engineer. 29498% 29499In /users3 did Kubla Kahn 29500A stately pleasure dome decree, 29501Where /bin, the sacred river ran 29502Through Test Suites measureless to Man 29503Down to a sunless C. 29504% 29505In war it is not men, but the man who counts. 29506 -- Napoleon 29507% 29508In war, truth is the first casualty. 29509 -- U Thant 29510% 29511In West Union, Ohio, No married man can go flying without his spouse 29512along at any time, unless he has been married for more than 12 months. 29513% 29514In which level of metalanguage are you now speaking? 29515% 29516In wine there is truth (In vino veritas). 29517 -- Pliny 29518% 29519In Xanadu did Kubla Khan a stately pleasure dome decree 29520But only if the NFL to a franchise would agree. 29521% 29522In Xanadu did Kubla Khan 29523A stately pleasure dome decree: 29524Where Alph, the sacred river, ran 29525Through caverns measureless to man 29526Down to a sunless sea. 29527So twice five miles of fertile ground 29528With walls and towers were girdled round: 29529And there were gardens bright with sinuous rills, 29530Where blossomed many an incense-bearing tree; 29531And here were forest ancient as the hills, 29532Enfolding sunny spots of greenery. 29533 -- Samuel T. Coleridge, "Kubla Kahn" 29534% 29535In youth, it was a way I had 29536To do my best to please, 29537And change, with every passing lad, 29538To suit his theories. 29539 29540But now I know the things I know, 29541And do the things I do; 29542And if you do not like me so, 29543To hell, my love, with you! 29544 -- Dorothy Parker, "Indian Summer" 29545% 29546INCENTIVE PROGRAM: 29547 The system of long and short-term rewards that a corporation uses 29548 to motivate its people. Still, despite all the experimentation with 29549 profit sharing, stock options, and the like, the most effective 29550 incentive program to date seems to be "Do a good job and you get to 29551 keep it." 29552% 29553Include me out. 29554% 29555Increased knowledge will help you now. 29556Have mate's phone bugged. 29557% 29558Incumbent, n.: 29559 Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents. 29560 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 29561% 29562Indecision is the true basis for flexibility. 29563% 29564Indeed, the first noble truth of Buddhism, usually translated as 29565`all life is suffering,' is more accurately rendered `life is filled 29566with a sense of pervasive unsatisfactoriness.' 29567 -- M. D. Epstein 29568% 29569INDEX: 29570 Alphabetical list of words of no possible interest where an 29571 alphabetical list of subjects with references ought to be. 29572% 29573Indiana is a state dedicated to basketball. Basketball, soybeans, hogs and 29574basketball. Berkeley, needless to say, is not nearly as athletic. Berkeley 29575is dedicated to coffee, angst, potholes and coffee. 29576 -- Carolyn Jones 29577% 29578Indifference will certainly be the downfall of mankind, but who cares? 29579% 29580Individualists unite! 29581% 29582Indomitable in retreat; invincible in 29583advance; insufferable in victory. 29584 -- Winston Churchill, on General Montgomery 29585% 29586Infancy, n.: 29587 The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, "Heaven 29588lies about us." The world begins lying about us pretty soon 29589afterward. 29590 -- Ambrose Bierce 29591% 29592Infidel, n.: 29593 In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion; 29594 in Constantinople, one who does. 29595 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 29596% 29597Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down. 29598% 29599Information Center, n.: 29600 A room staffed by professional computer people whose job it is 29601to tell you why you cannot have the information you require. 29602% 29603Information is the inverse of entropy. 29604% 29605Information Processing: 29606 What you call data processing when people are so disgusted with 29607 it they won't let it be discussed in their presence. 29608% 29609Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations 29610 29611 Sign on a cabin door of a Soviet Black Sea cruise liner: 29612 Helpsavering apparata in emergings behold many whistles! 29613 Associate the stringing apparata about the bosums and meet 29614 behind, flee then to the indifferent lifesaveringshippen 29615 obedicing the instructs of the vessel. 29616 29617 On the door in a Belgrade hotel: 29618 Let us know about any unficiency as well as leaking on 29619 the service. Our utmost will improve it. 29620 29621 -- Colin Bowles 29622% 29623Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations 29624 29625 Sign on a cathedral in Spain: 29626 It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if 29627 dressed as a man. 29628 29629 Above the entrance to a Cairo bar: 29630 Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband 29631 or similar. 29632 29633 On a Bucharest elevator: 29634 29635 The lift is being fixed for the next days. 29636 During that time we regret that you will be unbearable. 29637 29638 -- Colin Bowles 29639% 29640Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations 29641 29642 Various signs in Poland: 29643 29644 Right turn toward immediate outside. 29645 29646 Go soothingly in the snow, as there lurk the ski demons. 29647 29648 Five o'clock tea at all hours. 29649 29650 In a men's washroom in Sidney: 29651 29652 Shake excess water from hands, push button to start, 29653 rub hands rapidly under air outlet and wipe hands 29654 on front of shirt. 29655 29656 -- Colin Bowles, San Francisco Chronicle 29657% 29658Ingrate, n.: 29659 A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains of 29660indigestion. 29661% 29662Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere. 29663 -- Martin Luther King, Jr. 29664% 29665ink, n: 29666 A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, 29667 and water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of 29668 idiocy and promote intellectual crime. 29669 -- H. L. Mencken 29670% 29671Ink, n.: 29672 A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and 29673water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote 29674intellectual crime. 29675 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 29676% 29677Innocence ends when one is stripped of the delusion that one 29678likes oneself. 29679 -- Joan Didion, "On Self Respect" 29680% 29681INNOVATE: 29682 Annoy people. 29683% 29684Innovation is hard to schedule. 29685 -- Dan Fylstra 29686% 29687INNUENDO: 29688 Italian enema. 29689% 29690Insanity is considered a ground for divorce, though by the very same 29691token it is the shortest detour to marriage. 29692 -- Wilson Mizner 29693% 29694Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. 29695% 29696Insanity is the final defense ... It's hard to get a refund when the 29697salesman is sniffing your crotch and baying at the moon. 29698% 29699INSECURITY: 29700 Finding out that you've mispronounced for years one of your 29701 favorite words. 29702 29703 Realizing halfway through a joke that you're telling it to 29704 the person who told it to you. 29705% 29706Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get out. 29707% 29708Insomnia isn't anything to lose sleep over. 29709% 29710Inspector: "Mrs. Freem, was this your husband's first 29711 hunting accident?" 29712Mrs. Freem: "His first fatal one, yes." 29713 -- Woody Allen 29714% 29715Inspiration without perspiration is usually sterile. 29716% 29717Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't 29718they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning 29719anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five 29720years we would have the smartest race of people on earth. 29721 -- The Best of Will Rogers 29722% 29723Instead of loving your enemies, treat your friends a little better. 29724 -- Edgar W. Howe 29725% 29726Integrity has no need for rules. 29727% 29728Intel CPUs are not defective, they just act that way. 29729 -- Henry Spencer 29730% 29731Intellect annuls Fate. 29732So far as a man thinks, he is free. 29733 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 29734% 29735Interchangeable parts won't. 29736% 29737INTEREST: 29738 What borrowers pay, lenders receive, stockholders own, and 29739 burned out employees must feign. 29740% 29741Interesting poll results reported in today's New York Post: people on the 29742street in midtown Manhattan were asked whether they approved of the US 29743invasion of Grenada. Fifty-three percent said yes; 39 percent said no; 29744and 8 percent said "Gimme a quarter?" 29745 -- David Letterman 29746% 29747Interfere? Of course we should interfere! Always do what you're 29748best at, that's what I say. 29749 -- Doctor Who 29750% 29751Interpreter, n.: 29752 One who enables two persons of different languages to understand 29753 each other by repeating to each what it would have been to the 29754 interpreter's advantage for the other to have said. 29755 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 29756% 29757Into love and out again, 29758 Thus I went and thus I go. 29759Spare your voice, and hold your pen: 29760 Well and bitterly I know 29761All the songs were ever sung, 29762 All the words were ever said; 29763Could it be, when I was young, 29764 Someone dropped me on my head? 29765 -- Dorothy Parker, "Theory" 29766% 29767Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure. 29768% 29769INTOXICATED: 29770 When you feel sophisticated without being able to pronounce it. 29771% 29772Introducing, the 1010, a one-bit processor. 29773 29774INSTRUCTION SET 29775 Code Mnemonic What 29776 0 NOP No Operation 29777 1 JMP Jump (address specified by next 2 bits) 29778 29779Now Available for only 12 1/2 cents! 29780% 29781Invest in physics -- own a piece of Dirac! 29782% 29783Involvement with people is always a very delicate thing -- 29784it requires real maturity to become involved and not get all messed up. 29785 -- Bernard Cooke 29786% 29787I/O, I/O, 29788It's off to disk I go, 29789A bit or byte to read or write, 29790I/O, I/O, I/O... 29791% 29792 29793 29794_/I\_____________o______________o___/I\ l * / /_/ * __ ' .* l 29795I"""_____________l______________l___"""I\ l *// _l__l_ . *. l 29796 [__][__][(******)__][__](******)[__][] \l l-\ ---//---*----(oo)----------l 29797 [][__][__(******)][__][_(******)_][__] l l \\ // ____ >-( )-< / l 29798 [__][__][_l l[__][__][l l][__][] l l \\)) ._****_.(......) .@@@:::l 29799 [][__][__]l .l_][__][__] .l__][__] l l ll _(o_o)_ (@*_*@ l 29800 [__][__][/ <_)[__][__]/ <_)][__][] l l ll ( / \ ) / / / ) l 29801 [][__][ /..,/][__][__][/..,/_][__][__] l l / \\ _\ \_ / _\_\ l 29802 [__][__(__/][__][__][_(__/_][__][__][] l l______________________________l 29803 [__][__]] l , , . [__][__][] l 29804 [][__][_] l . i. '/ , [][__][__] l /\**/\ season's 29805 [__][__]] l O .\ / /, O [__][__][] l ( o_o )_) greetings 29806_[][__][_] l__l======='=l____[][__][__] l_______,(u u ,),__________________ 29807 [__][__]]/ /l\-------/l\ [__][__][]/ {}{}{}{}{}{}<R> 29808 29809In Ellen's house it is warm and toasty while fuzzies play in the snow outside. 29810 29811% 29812IOT trap -- core dumped 29813% 29814IOT trap -- mos dumped 29815% 29816Iowa State -- the high school after high school! 29817 -- Crow T. Robot 29818% 29819Iowans ask why Minnesotans don't drink more Kool-Aid. That's because 29820they can't figure out how to get two quarts of water into one of those 29821little paper envelopes. 29822% 29823Iron Law of Distribution: 29824 Them that has, gets. 29825% 29826IRONY: 29827 A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with 29828 a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes. 29829% 29830Irrationality is the square root of all evil. 29831 -- Douglas Hofstadter 29832% 29833Is a computer language with goto's totally Wirth-less? 29834% 29835Is a person who blows up banks an econoclast? 29836% 29837"Is a tattoo real, like a curb or a battleship? 29838Or are we suffering in Safeway?" 29839 -- Zippy the Pinhead 29840% 29841Is a wedding successful if it comes off without a hitch? 29842% 29843Is death legally binding? 29844% 29845Is it possible that software is not like anything else, that it is 29846meant to be discarded: that the whole point is to always see it as a 29847soap bubble? 29848% 29849Is it weird in here, or is it just me? 29850 -- Steven Wright 29851% 29852Is knowledge knowable? If not, how do we know that? 29853% 29854Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the beginning 29855of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get out, 29856and such as are out wish to get in? 29857 -- Ralph Emerson 29858% 29859Is not marriage an open question, when it is alleged, from the 29860beginning of the world, that such as are in the institution wish to get 29861out, and such as are out wish to get in? 29862 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 29863% 29864Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right. 29865 -- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex" 29866% 29867Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me? 29868 -- Mae West 29869% 29870Is that really YOU that is reading this? 29871% 29872"Is there any point to which you would wish to draw my attention?" 29873"To the curious incident of the dog in the night-time." 29874"The dog did nothing in the night-time." 29875"That was the curious incident," remarked Sherlock Holmes. 29876% 29877Is there life before breakfast? 29878% 29879Is this really happening? 29880% 29881Is your job running? You'd better go catch it! 29882% 29883Isn't air travel wonderful? 29884Breakfast in London, dinner in New York, luggage in Brazil. 29885% 29886Isn't it conceivable to you that an intelligent 29887person could harbor two opposing ideas in his mind? 29888 -- Adlai Stevenson, to reporters 29889% 29890Isn't it interesting that the same people who laugh at science fiction 29891listen to weather forecasts and economists? 29892 -- Kelvin Throop III 29893% 29894Isn't it ironic that many men spend a great part of their lives 29895avoiding marriage while single-mindedly pursuing those things that 29896would make them better prospects? 29897% 29898Isn't it nice that people who prefer Los Angeles to San Francisco live 29899there? 29900 -- Herb Caen 29901% 29902Isn't it strange that the same people that laugh at gypsy fortune 29903tellers take economists seriously? 29904% 29905ISO applications: 29906 A solution in search of a problem! 29907% 29908Issawi's Laws of Progress: 29909 29910 The Course of Progress: 29911 Most things get steadily worse. 29912 29913 The Path of Progress: 29914 A shortcut is the longest distance between two points. 29915% 29916It appears that after his death, Albert Einstein found himself working 29917as the doorkeeper at the Pearly Gates. One slow day, he found that he 29918had time to chat with the new entrants. To the first one he asked, 29919"What's your IQ?" The new arrival replied, "190". They discussed 29920Einstein's theory of relativity for hours. When the second new arrival 29921came, Einstein once again inquired as to the newcomer's IQ. The answer 29922this time came "120". To which Einstein replied, "Tell me, how did the 29923Cubs do this year?" and they proceeded to talk for half an hour or so. 29924To the final arrival, Einstein once again posed the question, "What's 29925your IQ?". Upon receiving the answer "70", Einstein smiled and asked, 29926"Got a minute to tell me about VMS 4.0?" 29927% 29928It appears that PL/I (and its dialects) is, or will be, the 29929most widely used higher level language for systems programming. 29930 -- J. Sammet 29931% 29932It cannot be seen, cannot be felt, 29933Cannot be heard, cannot be smelt. 29934It lies behind starts and under hills, 29935And empty holes it fills. 29936It comes first and follows after, 29937Ends life, kills laughter. 29938% 29939"It could be that Walter's horse has wings" does not imply that there is 29940any such animal as Walter's horse, only that there could be; but "Walter's 29941horse is a thing which could have wings" does imply Walter's horse's 29942existence. But the conjunction "Walter's horse exists, and it could be 29943that Walter's horse has wings" still does not imply "Walter's horse is a 29944thing that could have wings", for perhaps it can only be that Walter's 29945horse has wings by Walter having a different horse. Nor does "Walter's 29946horse is a thing which could have wings" conversely imply "It could be that 29947Walter's horse has wings"; for it might be that Walter's horse could only 29948have wings by not being Walter's horse. 29949 29950I would deny, though, that the formula [Necessarily if some x has property P 29951then some x has property P] expresses a logical law, since P(x) could stand 29952for, let us say "x is a better logician than I am", and the statement "It is 29953necessary that if someone is a better logician than I am then someone is a 29954better logician than I am" is false because there need not have been any me. 29955 -- A. N. Prior, "Time and Modality" 29956% 29957It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being. 29958 -- Benjamin Disraeli 29959% 29960It did not occur to me that my being with two men continuously would 29961interest anyone or arouse anyone's misgivings. I asked for an invitation 29962for Heinrich too, as often as it seemed possible, when Paulus and I were 29963invited to a social gathering. I felt the set of rules others lived by 29964was irrelevant. My childhood attitude -- every attempt to adjust is 29965hopeless and you might just as well follow your own attitudes -- must have 29966carried me. 29967 -- Hannah Tillich, "From Time to Time" 29968% 29969It does not do to leave a live dragon out of your calculations. 29970% 29971It does not matter if you fall down as long as you 29972pick up something from the floor while you get up. 29973% 29974It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've 29975done and what you're going to do. 29976% 29977It doesn't matter whether you win or lose -- until you lose. 29978% 29979It doesn't much signify whom one marries, for one is sure to find out 29980next morning it was someone else. 29981 -- Rogers 29982% 29983It follows that any commander in chief who undertakes to carry out a plan 29984which he considers defective is at fault; he must put forth his reasons, 29985insist of the plan being changed, and finally tender his resignation rather 29986than be the instrument of his army's downfall. 29987 -- Napoleon, "Military Maxims and Thought" 29988% 29989It gets late early out there. 29990 -- Yogi Berra 29991% 29992It got to the point where I had to get a haircut 29993or both feet firmly planted in the air. 29994% 29995It hangs down from the chandelier 29996Nobody knows quite what it does 29997Its color is odd and its shape is weird 29998It emits a high-sounding buzz 29999 30000It grows a couple of feet each day 30001and wriggles with sort of a twitch 30002Nobody bugs it 'cause it comes from 30003a visiting uncle who's rich! 30004 -- To "It Came Upon A Midnight Clear" 30005% 30006It happened long ago 30007In the new magic land 30008The Indians and the buffalo 30009Existed hand in hand 30010The Indians needed food 30011They need skins for a roof 30012The only took what they needed 30013And the buffalo ran loose 30014But then came the white man 30015With his thick and empty head 30016He couldn't see past his billfold 30017He wanted all the buffalo dead 30018It was sad, oh so sad. 30019 -- Ted Nugent, "The Great White Buffalo" 30020% 30021It happened that a fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown 30022came out to inform the public. They thought it was just a jest and 30023applauded. He repeated his warning, they shouted even louder. So I 30024think the world will come to an end amid general applause from all the 30025wits, who believe that it is a joke. 30026 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855) 30027% 30028It has been justly observed by sages of all lands that although a man may be 30029most happily married and continue in that state with the utmost contentment, 30030it does not necessarily follow that he has therefore been struck stone-blind. 30031 -- H. Warner Munn 30032% 30033It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it is 30034thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists have 30035drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of smell. 30036 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 30037% 30038It has been said [by Anatole France], "it is not by amusing oneself 30039that one learns," and, in reply: "it is *____only* by amusing oneself that 30040one can learn." 30041 -- Edward Kasner and James R. Newman 30042% 30043It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have 30044been searching for evidence which could support this. 30045 -- Bertrand Russell 30046% 30047It has been said that Public Relations is the art of winning friends 30048and getting people under the influence. 30049 -- Jeremy Tunstall 30050% 30051It has just been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. 30052% 30053It has long been an article of our folklore that too much knowledge or skill, 30054or especially consummate expertise, is a bad thing. It dehumanizes those who 30055achieve it, and makes difficult their commerce with just plain folks, in whom 30056good old common sense has not been obliterated by mere book learning or fancy 30057notions. This popular delusion flourishes now more than ever, for we are all 30058infected with it in the schools, where educationists have elevated it from 30059folklore to Article of Belief. It enhances their self-esteem and lightens 30060their labors by providing theoretical justification for deciding that 30061appreciation, or even simple awareness, is more to be prized than knowledge, 30062and relating (to self and others), more than skill, in which minimum 30063competence will be quite enough. 30064 -- The Underground Grammarian 30065% 30066It has long been an axiom of mine that the 30067little things are infinitely the most important. 30068 -- Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, "A Case of Identity" 30069% 30070It has long been known that birds will occasionally build nests in the 30071manes of horses. The only known solution to this problem is to sprinkle 30072baker's yeast in the mane, for, as we all know, yeast is yeast and nest 30073is nest, and never the mane shall tweet. 30074% 30075It has long been known that one horse can run faster 30076than another -- but which one? Differences are crucial. 30077 -- Lazarus Long 30078% 30079It has long been noticed that juries are pitiless for robbery and full of 30080indulgence for infanticide. A question of interest, my dear Sir! The jury 30081is afraid of being robbed and has passed the age when it could be a victim 30082of infanticide. 30083 -- Edmond About 30084% 30085It is a hard matter, my fellow citizens, 30086to argue with the belly, since it has no ears. 30087 -- Marcus Porcius Cato 30088% 30089It is a lesson which all history teaches 30090wise men, to put trust in ideas, and not in circumstances. 30091 -- Emerson 30092% 30093It is a poor judge who cannot award a prize. 30094% 30095It is a profitable thing, if one is wise, to seem foolish. 30096 -- Aeschylus 30097% 30098It is a sobering thought that when Mozart was 30099my age, he had been dead for 2 years. 30100 -- Tom Lehrer 30101% 30102It is a very humbling experience to make a multimillion-dollar mistake, but 30103it is also very memorable. I vividly recall the night we decided how to 30104organize the actual writing of external specifications for OS/360. The 30105manager of architecture, the manager of control program implementation, and 30106I were threshing out the plan, schedule, and division of responsibilities. 30107 The architecture manager had 10 good men. He asserted that they 30108could write the specifications and do it right. It would take ten months, 30109three more than the schedule allowed. 30110 The control program manager had 150 men. He asserted that they 30111could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating; 30112it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule. 30113Furthermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling 30114their thumbs for ten months. 30115 To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control 30116program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time, 30117but would also be three months late, and of much lower quality. I did, and 30118it was. He was right on both counts. Moreover, the lack of conceptual 30119integrity made the system far more costly to build and change, and I would 30120estimate that it added a year to debugging time. 30121 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" 30122% 30123It is a wise father that knows his own child. 30124 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 30125% 30126It is against the grain of modern education to teach children to 30127program. What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in 30128organizing thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be 30129self-critical? 30130 -- Alan Perlis 30131% 30132It is against the law for a monster to enter the corporate limits of 30133Urbana, Illinois. 30134% 30135It is all right to hold a conversation, 30136but you should let go of it now and then. 30137 -- Richard Armour 30138% 30139It is always preferable to visit home with a friend. Your parents will 30140not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves 30141and because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like 30142mature human beings ... 30143 -- Playboy, January 1983 30144% 30145It is always the best policy to speak the truth, 30146unless of course you are an exceptionally good liar. 30147 -- Jerome K. Jerome 30148% 30149It is always the best policy to tell the truth, unless, of course, 30150you are an exceptionally good liar. 30151 -- Jerome K. Jerome 30152% 30153It is amazing how complete is the delusion that beauty is goodness. 30154% 30155It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a 30156pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the 30157sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color. 30158 -- Voltaire 30159% 30160It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what 30161they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed 30162that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so 30163much -- the wheel, New York wars and so on -- whilst all the dolphins 30164had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But 30165conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more 30166intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons. 30167 30168Curiously enough, the dolphins had long known of the impending 30169destruction of the planet Earth and had made many attempts to 30170alert mankind to the danger; but most of their communications were 30171misinterpreted ... 30172 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 30173% 30174It is annoying to be honest to no purpose. 30175 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid) 30176% 30177It is bad luck to be superstitious. 30178 -- Andrew W. Mathis 30179% 30180[It is] best to confuse only one issue at a time. 30181 -- K&R 30182% 30183It is better for civilization to be going down the drain than to be 30184coming up it. 30185 -- Henry Allen 30186% 30187It is better never to have been born. But who among us has such luck? 30188One in a million, perhaps. 30189% 30190It is better to be bow-legged than no-legged. 30191% 30192It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all. 30193% 30194It is better to burn out than it is to rust. 30195% 30196It is better to die on your feet than to live on your knees. 30197% 30198It is better to give than to lend, and it costs about the same. 30199% 30200It is better to have loved a short man than never to have loved a tall. 30201% 30202It is better to have loved and lost -- much better. 30203% 30204It is better to have loved and lost than just to have lost. 30205% 30206It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark. 30207% 30208It is better to live rich than to die rich. 30209 -- Samuel Johnson 30210% 30211It is better to remain childless than to father an orphan. 30212% 30213It is better to travel hopefully than to fly Continental. 30214% 30215It is better to wear chains than to believe you are free, 30216and weight yourself down with invisible chains. 30217% 30218It is better to wear out than to rust out. 30219% 30220It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three 30221benefits: freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never 30222to use either. 30223 -- Mark Twain 30224% 30225It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, 30226admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something. 30227 -- Franklin D. Roosevelt 30228% 30229It is contrary to reasoning to say that there 30230is a vacuum or space in which there is absolutely nothing. 30231 -- Rene Descartes 30232% 30233It is convenient that there be gods, and, 30234as it is convenient, let us believe there are. 30235 -- Publius Ovidius Naso (Ovid) 30236% 30237It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might 30238remember. 30239 -- Eugene McCarthy 30240% 30241It is difficult to legislate morality in the absence of moral legislators. 30242% 30243It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both 30244incisive and probing when every twelve minutes one is interrupted by 30245twelve dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. 30246 -- Rod Serling 30247% 30248It is difficult to soar with the eagles when you work with turkeys. 30249% 30250It is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle if it is 30251lightly greased. 30252 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 30253% 30254It is easier to be a "humanitarian" than to render your own country its 30255proper due; it is easier to be a "patriot" than to make your community 30256a better place to live in; it is easier to be a "civic leader" than to 30257treat your own family with loving understanding; for the smaller the 30258focus of attention, the harder the task. 30259 -- Sydney J. Harris 30260% 30261It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice 30262versa. 30263% 30264It is easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. 30265 -- Alfred Adler 30266% 30267It is easier to get forgiveness than permission. 30268% 30269It is easier to make a saint out of a libertine than out of a prig. 30270 -- George Santayana 30271% 30272It is easier to resist at the beginning than at the end. 30273 -- Leonardo da Vinci 30274% 30275It is easier to run down a hill than up one. 30276% 30277It is easier to write an incorrect program than understand a correct 30278one. 30279% 30280It is easy when we are in prosperity to give advice to the afflicted. 30281 -- Aeschylus 30282% 30283It is enough to make one sympathize with a tyrant for the determination 30284of his courtiers to deceive him for their own personal ends... 30285 -- Russell Baker and Charles Peters 30286% 30287It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he 30288holds back one who is hastening. Rather one should befriend the guest who 30289is there, but speed him when he wishes. 30290 -- Homer, "The Odyssey" 30291 30292 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 30293 referring to scheduling.] 30294% 30295It is exactly because a man cannot do a 30296thing that he is a proper judge of it. 30297 -- Oscar Wilde 30298% 30299It is explained that all relationships require a little give and take. This 30300is untrue. Any partnership demands that we give and give and give and at the 30301last, as we flop into our graves exhausted, we are told that we didn't give 30302enough. 30303 -- Quentin Crisp, "How to Become a Virgin" 30304% 30305It is far better to be deceived than to be undeceived by those we love. 30306% 30307It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities 30308without your help. 30309 -- Miss Manners 30310% 30311It is Fortune, not Wisdom, that rules man's life. 30312% 30313It is fruitless: 30314 to become lachrymose over precipitately departed lactate fluid. 30315 30316 to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with 30317 innovative maneuvers. 30318% 30319It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because 30320if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of 30321people. 30322 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 30323% 30324It is hard to predict, in particular about the future. 30325 -- Robert Storm Petersen 30326% 30327It is idle to attempt to talk a young woman out of her passion: 30328love does not lie in the ear. 30329 -- Walpole 30330% 30331It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood 30332Boulevard at one time. 30333% 30334It is illegal to say "Oh, Boy" in Jonesboro, Georgia. 30335% 30336It is imperative when flying coach that you restrain any tendency toward 30337the vividly imaginative. For although it may momentarily appear to be the 30338case, it is not at all likely that the cabin is entirely inhabited by 30339crying babies smoking inexpensive domestic cigars. 30340 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 30341% 30342It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised. 30343% 30344It is impossible to defend perfectly 30345against the attack of those who want to die. 30346% 30347It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly 30348unless one has plenty of work to do. 30349 -- Jerome Klapka Jerome 30350% 30351It is impossible to enjoy idling unless there is plenty of work to do. 30352 -- Jerome K. Jerome 30353% 30354It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry 30355a tune. 30356 -- Woody Allen 30357% 30358It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so 30359ingenious. 30360% 30361It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not 30362desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off. 30363 -- Woody Allen 30364% 30365IT IS IN PROCESS: 30366 So wrapped up in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless. 30367% 30368It is indeed desirable to be well descended, 30369but the glory belongs to our ancestors. 30370 -- Plutarch 30371% 30372It is like saying that for the cause of peace, 30373God and the Devil will have a high-level meeting. 30374 -- Rev. Carl McIntire, on Nixon's China trip 30375% 30376It is most dangerous nowadays for a husband to pay any attention to his 30377wife in public. It always makes people think that he beats her when 30378they're alone. The world has grown so suspicious of anything that looks 30379like a happy married life. 30380 -- Oscar Wilde 30381% 30382It is Mr. Mellon's credo that $200,000,000 can do no wrong. Our 30383offense consists in doubting it. 30384 -- Justice Robert H. Jackson 30385% 30386It is much easier to be critical than to be correct. 30387 -- Benjamin Disraeli 30388% 30389It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the 30390problem. 30391% 30392It is much harder to find a job than to keep one. 30393% 30394It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be 30395privileged to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to 30396corrupt the youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles. 30397 -- George Bernard Shaw 30398% 30399It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children. 30400 -- Kingsley Amis 30401% 30402It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide. 30403% 30404It is not doing the thing we like to do, but liking the thing we have to do, 30405that makes life blessed. 30406 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 30407% 30408It is not enough that I should succeed. Others must fail. 30409 -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's 30410 [Also attributed to David Merrick. Ed.] 30411 30412It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. 30413 -- Gore Vidal 30414 [Great minds think alike? Ed.] 30415% 30416It is not enough to have a good mind. 30417The main thing is to use it well. 30418 -- Rene Descartes 30419% 30420It is not enough to have great qualities, 30421we should also have the management of them. 30422 -- La Rochefoucauld 30423% 30424It is not enough to succeed. Others must fail. 30425 -- Gore Vidal 30426% 30427It is not every question that deserves an answer. 30428 -- Publilius Syrus 30429% 30430It is not for me to attempt to fathom the 30431inscrutable workings of Providence. 30432 -- The Earl of Birkenhead 30433% 30434It is not good for a man to be without knowledge, 30435and he who makes haste with his feet misses his way. 30436 -- Proverbs 19:2 30437% 30438It is not necessary to inquire whether a woman would like something for 30439dessert. The answer is yes, she would like something for dessert, but 30440she would like you to order it so she can pick at it with your fork. She 30441does not want you to call attention to this by saying, "If you wanted a 30442dessert, why didn't you order one?" You must understand, she has the 30443dessert she wants. The dessert she wants is contained within yours. 30444 -- Merrill Marcoe, "An Insider's Guide to the American Woman" 30445% 30446It is not that polar co-ordinates are complicated, it is simply 30447that Cartesian co-ordinates are simpler than they have a right to be. 30448 -- Kleppner & Kolenhow, "An Introduction to Mechanics" 30449% 30450It is not the critic who counts, or how the strong man stumbled, or whether 30451the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the 30452man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and 30453blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes short again and again; who 30454knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, and who spends himself in a 30455worthy cause, and if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that 30456he'll never be with those cold and timid souls who never know either victory 30457or defeat. 30458 -- Teddy Roosevelt 30459% 30460It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it's one 30461damn thing over and over. 30462 -- Edna St. Vincent Millay 30463% 30464It is November first 1940; in the famous sound stage of THE WIZARD OF OZ on 30465the MGM lot, a little man is lying face-up on the yellow brick road. His 30466wide eyes stare upward into the blinding stage lights. He is wearing a 30467kind of comic soldier's uniform with a yellow coat and puffy sleeves and 30468big fez-like blue and yellow hat with a feather on top. His yellow hair 30469and beard are the phony straw color of Hollywood. He could pass for some 30470kind of cute in the typical tinsel-town way if it wasn't for the knife 30471sticking out of his chest. *Someone had murdered a Munchkin.* 30472 -- Stuart Kaminsky, "Murder on the Yellow Brick Road" 30473% 30474It is now 10 p.m. Do you know where Henry Kissinger is? 30475 -- Elizabeth Carpenter 30476% 30477It is now pitch dark. If you proceed, you will likely fall into a pit. 30478% 30479It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort 30480to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics and 30481chemistry. 30482 -- H. L. Mencken 30483% 30484It is often easier to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission. 30485 -- Grace Murray Hopper 30486% 30487It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that 30488virginity could be a virtue. 30489 -- Voltaire 30490% 30491It is one thing to praise discipline, and another to submit to it. 30492 -- Cervantes 30493% 30494It is only by risking our persons from one hour to another that we live 30495at all. And often enough our faith beforehand in an uncertified result 30496is the only thing that makes the result come true. 30497 -- William James 30498% 30499It is only people of small moral stature who have to stand on their 30500dignity. 30501% 30502It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared 30503to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great. 30504 -- Havelock Ellis 30505% 30506It is only with the heart one can see clearly; 30507what is essential is invisible to the eye. 30508 -- The Fox, "The Little Prince" 30509% 30510It is possible by ingenuity and at the expense of clarity... {to do almost 30511anything in any language}. However, the fact that it is possible to push 30512a pea up a mountain with your nose does not mean that this is a sensible 30513way of getting it there. Each of these techniques of language extension 30514should be used in its proper place. 30515 -- Christopher Strachey 30516% 30517It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen. 30518 -- Maimie Van Doren 30519% 30520It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students that 30521have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are 30522mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration. 30523 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 30524% 30525It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat 30526rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they 30527kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest. 30528 -- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's 30529% 30530It is right that he too should have his little chronicle, his memories, 30531his reason, and be able to recognize the good in the bad, the bad in the 30532worst, and so grow gently old all down the unchanging days and die one 30533day like any other day, only shorter. 30534 -- Samuel Beckett, "Malone Dies" 30535% 30536It is said an Eastern monarch once charged his wise men to invent him a 30537sentence to be ever in view, and which should be true and appropriate 30538in all times and situations. They presented him the words: "And this, 30539too, shall pass away." 30540 -- Abraham Lincoln 30541% 30542It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the 30543lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as 30544high as the eagle? 30545% 30546It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for. 30547 -- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard 30548% 30549It is so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the 30550devil when he is the only explanation of it. 30551 -- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight" 30552% 30553It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of- 30554yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up. 30555% 30556It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a 30557statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more 30558glorious to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through 30559which we look, which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the 30560day, that is the highest of arts. 30561 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Where I Live" 30562% 30563It is sweet to let the mind unbend on occasion. 30564 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 30565% 30566It is Texas law that when two trains meet each other at a railroad 30567crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed 30568until the other has gone. 30569% 30570It is the business of little minds to shrink. 30571 -- Carl Sandburg 30572% 30573It is the business of the future to be dangerous. 30574 -- Hawkwind 30575% 30576It is the nature of extreme self-lovers, as they will 30577set a house on fire, and it were but to roast their eggs. 30578 -- Francis Bacon 30579% 30580It is the quality rather than the quantity that matters. 30581 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca 30582% 30583It is the wisdom of crocodiles, that shed tears when they would devour. 30584 -- Francis Bacon 30585% 30586It is the wise bird who builds his nest in a tree. 30587% 30588It is through symbols that man consciously or unconsciously 30589lives, works and has his being. 30590 -- Thomas Carlyle 30591% 30592It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for 30593five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But 30594it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you. 30595% 30596It is up to us to produce better-quality movies. 30597 -- Lloyd Kaufman, 30598 producer of "Stuff Stephanie in the Incinerator" 30599% 30600It is very vulgar to talk like a dentist when one isn't a dentist. 30601It produces a false impression. 30602 -- Oscar Wilde 30603% 30604It is when I struggle to be brief that I become obscure. 30605 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 30606% 30607It is wise to keep in mind that neither success nor failure is ever final. 30608 -- Roger Babson 30609% 30610It is your concern when your neighbor's wall is on fire. 30611 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 30612% 30613It isn't easy being a Friday kind of person in a Monday kind of world. 30614% 30615It isn't easy being green. 30616 -- Kermit the Frog 30617% 30618It isn't easy being the parent of a six-year-old. However, it's a pretty 30619small price to pay for having somebody around the house who understands 30620computers. 30621% 30622It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be 30623unhappy. 30624 -- Groucho Marx 30625% 30626It isn't whether you win or lose, it's how much money you end up with. 30627 -- Jack T. Shakespeare 30628% 30629It just doesn't seem right to go over the river and through the woods 30630to Grandmother's condo. 30631% 30632It looked like something resembling white marble, which was 30633probably what it was: something resembling white marble. 30634 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 30635% 30636It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. 30637% 30638It looks like it's up to me to save our skins. 30639Get into that garbage chute, flyboy! 30640 -- Princess Leia Organa 30641% 30642IT MAKES ME MAD when I go to all the trouble of having Marta cook up about 30643a hundred drumsticks, then the guy at Marineland says, "You can't throw 30644that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish." 30645 30646Sure they eat fish if that's all you give them! Man, wise up. 30647 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. 30648% 30649It [marriage] happens as with cages: the birds without despair 30650to get in, and those within despair of getting out. 30651 -- Michel Eyquem de Montaigne 30652% 30653It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether *I* win 30654or lose. 30655 -- Darrin Weinberg 30656% 30657It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too 30658good either if you speak when your head is empty. 30659% 30660It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead lion, but it is 30661better still to be a live lion. And usually easier. 30662 -- Lazarus Long 30663% 30664It may be that your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a 30665warning to others. 30666% 30667It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done. 30668% 30669It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more 30670doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of 30671a new system. For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit 30672by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders 30673in those who would gain by the new ones. 30674 -- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513 30675% 30676It must have been some unmarried fool that said "A child can ask questions 30677that a wise man cannot answer"; because, in any decent house, a brat that 30678starts asking questions is promptly packed off to bed. 30679 -- Arthur Binstead 30680% 30681It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father. 30682% 30683It occurred to me lately that nothing has occurred to me lately. 30684% 30685It pays in England to be a revolutionary and a bible-smacker most of 30686one's life and then come round. 30687 -- Lord Alfred Douglas 30688% 30689It pays to be obvious, especially if you have a reputation for subtlety. 30690% 30691It proves what they say, give the public what they want to see and 30692they'll come out for it. 30693 -- Red Skelton, surveying the funeral of Hollywood mogul 30694 Harry Cohn 30695% 30696"It runs like _x, where _x is something unsavory" 30697 -- Prof. Romas Aleliunas, CS 435 30698% 30699It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones 30700slept better... while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much 30701more. 30702 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects" 30703% 30704It seems a little silly now, but this country 30705was founded as a protest against taxation. 30706% 30707It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should 30708be situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of 30709unnatural acts upon the body politic every day, without benefit of 30710artificial lubrication or foreplay. 30711 -- Pat Calafia's review of Camille Paglia's 30712 "Sex, Art and American Culture" 30713% 30714It seems intuitively obvious to me, which means that it might be wrong. 30715 -- Chris Torek 30716% 30717It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the 30718flag. 30719% 30720It seems that more and more mathematicians are using a new, high level 30721language named "research student". 30722% 30723It seems to make an auto driver mad if he misses you. 30724% 30725It seems to me that nearly every woman I know wants a man who knows how 30726to love with authority. Women are simple souls who like simple things, 30727and one of the simplest is one of the simplest to give. ... Our family 30728airedale will come clear across the yard for one pat on the head. The 30729average wife is like that. 30730 -- Episcopal Bishop James Pike 30731% 30732It shall be unlawful for any suspicious person to be within the 30733municipality. 30734 -- Local ordinance, Euclid Ohio 30735% 30736It takes a smart husband to have the last word and not use it. 30737% 30738It takes a special kind of courage to face what we all have to face. 30739% 30740It takes all kinds to fill the freeways. 30741 -- Crazy Charlie 30742% 30743It takes both a weapon, and two people, to commit a murder. 30744% 30745It takes less time to do a thing right 30746than it does to explain why you did it wrong. 30747 -- H. W. Longfellow 30748% 30749It takes two to tell the truth: one to speak and one to hear. 30750% 30751It took a while to surface, but it appears that a long-distance credit card 30752may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada 30753military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said 30754the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces. One soldier found 30755a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army 30756officers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the 30757Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit. 30758 -- Aviation Week and Space Technology 30759% 30760It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, 30761but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous. 30762 -- Robert Benchley 30763% 30764It turned out that the worm exploited three or four different holes in the 30765system. From this, and the fact that we were able to capture and examine 30766some of the source code, we realized that we were dealing with someone very 30767sharp, probably not someone here on campus. 30768 -- Dr. Richard LeBlanc, associate professor of ICS, in 30769 Georgia Tech's campus newspaper after the Internet worm. 30770% 30771It used to be the fun was in 30772The capture and kill. 30773In another place and time 30774I did it all for thrills. 30775 -- Lust to Love 30776% 30777It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. 30778 -- Mark Twain 30779% 30780It was a book to kill time for those who liked it better dead. 30781% 30782It was a brave man that ate the first oyster. 30783% 30784It was a fine, sweet night, the nicest since my divorce, maybe the nicest 30785since the middle of my marriage. There was energy, softness, grace and 30786laughter. I even took my socks off. In my circle, that means class. 30787 -- Andrew Bergman "The Big Kiss-off of 1944" 30788% 30789It was a virgin forest, a place where the Hand of Man had never set 30790foot. 30791% 30792It was all so different before everything changed. 30793% 30794It was kinda like stuffing the wrong card in a computer, 30795when you're stickin' those artificial stimulants in your arm. 30796 -- Dion, noted computer scientist 30797% 30798It was one of those perfect summer days -- the sun was shining, a 30799breeze was blowing, the birds were singing, and the lawn mower was 30800broken ... 30801 -- James Dent 30802% 30803It was one time too many 30804One word too few 30805It was all too much for me and you 30806There was one way to go 30807Nothing more we could do 30808One time too many 30809One word too few 30810 -- Meredith Tanner 30811% 30812It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest. 30813% 30814It was pity stayed his hand. "Pity I don't have any more bullets," 30815thought Frito. 30816 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 30817% 30818"It was pleasant to me to get a letter from you the other day. Perhaps 30819I should have found it pleasanter if I had been able to decipher it. I 30820don't think that I mastered anything beyond the date (which I knew) and 30821the signature (which I guessed at). There's a singular and a perpetual 30822charm in a letter of yours; it never grows old, it never loses its 30823novelty ... Other letters are read and thrown away and forgotten, but 30824yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable 30825man a lifetime." 30826 -- Thomas Aldrich 30827% 30828It was raining heavily, and the motorist had car trouble on a lonely country 30829road. Anxious to find shelter for the night, he walked over to a farmhouse 30830and knocked on the front door. No one responded. He could feel the water 30831from the roof running down the back of his neck as he stood on the stoop. 30832The next time he knocked louder, but still no answer. By now he was soaked 30833to the skin. Desperately he pounded on the door. At last the head of a 30834man appeared out of an upstairs window. 30835 "What do you want?" he asked gruffly. 30836 "My car broke down," said the traveler, "and I want to know if you 30837would let me stay here for the night." 30838 "Sure," replied the man. "If you want to stay there all night, it's 30839okay with me." 30840% 30841It was the Law of the Sea, they said. Civilization ends at the waterline. 30842Beyond that, we all enter the food chain, and not always right at the top. 30843 -- Hunter S. Thompson 30844% 30845It was wonderful to find America, but it 30846would have been more wonderful to miss it. 30847 -- Mark Twain 30848% 30849It wasn't exactly a divorce -- I was traded. 30850 -- Tim Conway 30851% 30852It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. It was more like 30853the rose and the teeth were in the same glass. 30854% 30855It will be advantageous to cross the great stream ... the Dragon is on 30856the wing in the Sky ... the Great Man rouses himself to his Work. 30857% 30858It will be generally found that those who sneer habitually at human 30859nature and affect to despise it, are among its worst and least pleasant 30860examples. 30861 -- Charles Dickens 30862% 30863It would be nice if the Food and Drug Administration stopped issuing 30864warnings about toxic substances and just gave me the names of one or 30865two things still safe to eat. 30866 -- Robert Fuoss 30867% 30868It would be nice to be sure of anything 30869the way some people are of everything. 30870% 30871It would save me a lot of time if you just gave up and went mad now. 30872% 30873italic, adj: 30874 Slanted to the right to emphasize key phrases. Unique to 30875 Western alphabets; in Eastern languages, the same phrases 30876 are often slanted to the left. 30877% 30878It'll be a nice world if they ever get it finished. 30879% 30880It'll be just like Beggars Canyon back home. 30881 -- Luke Skywalker 30882% 30883It's a .88 magnum -- it goes through schools. 30884 -- Danny Vermin 30885% 30886It's a brave man who, when things are at their darkest, can kick back 30887and party! 30888 -- Dennis Quaid, "Inner Space" 30889% 30890It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word. 30891 -- Andrew Jackson 30892% 30893It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear. 30894 -- Cheers 30895% 30896It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for. 30897% 30898It's a naive, domestic operating system without any 30899breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption. 30900% 30901It's a poor workman who blames his tools. 30902% 30903It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression 30904when you lose yours. 30905 -- Harry S. Truman 30906% 30907It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it. 30908 -- Steven Wright 30909% 30910"It's a summons." 30911"What's a summons?" 30912"It means summon's in trouble." 30913 -- Rocky and Bullwinkle 30914% 30915It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead. 30916 -- Churchy La Femme 30917% 30918It's all in the mind, ya know. 30919% 30920It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back. 30921 -- Mick Jagger 30922% 30923It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand 30924any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are 30925never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come 30926out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb. 30927What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of 30928flesh and blood? We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones 30929half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, mutilation, and 30930then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could 30931have thought it up, I wonder? 30932 -- James Purdy 30933% 30934It's always a long day; 86400 doesn't fit into a short. 30935% 30936It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black. 30937% 30938It's always darkest just before the lights go out. 30939 -- Alex Clark 30940% 30941It's amazing how many people you could be friends 30942with if only they'd make the first approach. 30943% 30944It's amazing how much better you feel once you've given up hope. 30945% 30946It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles being too tired. 30947% 30948It's amazing how nice people are to you when they know you're going away. 30949 -- Michael Arlen 30950% 30951It's bad enough that life is a rat-race, 30952but why do the rats always have to win? 30953% 30954It's bad luck to be superstitious. 30955 -- Andrew W. Mathis 30956% 30957It's better to be quotable than to be honest. 30958 -- Tom Stoppard 30959% 30960It's better to be wanted for murder than not to be wanted at all. 30961 -- Marty Winch 30962% 30963It's better to burn out than it is to rust. 30964% 30965It's better to burn out than to fade away. 30966% 30967It's better to have loved and lost -- much better. 30968% 30969It's business doing pleasure with you. 30970% 30971It's clever, but is it art? 30972% 30973It's difficult to see the picture when you are inside the frame. 30974% 30975"It's easier said than done." 30976 30977... and if you don't believe it, try proving that it's easier done than 30978said, and you'll see that "it's easier said that `it's easier done than 30979said' than it is done", which really proves that "it's easier said than 30980done". 30981% 30982It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home. 30983 -- Don Price 30984% 30985It's easier to fight for one's principles than to live up to them. 30986% 30987It's easier to get forgiveness for being wrong than forgiveness for 30988being right. 30989% 30990It's easier to take it apart than to put it back together. 30991 -- Washlesky 30992% 30993It's easy to forgive someone for being wrong; 30994it's much harder to forgive them for being right. 30995% 30996It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger. 30997% 30998"It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an 30999hour!" 31000 -- Macy's 31001% 31002Its failings notwithstanding, there is much to be said in favor of journalism 31003in that by giving us the opinion of the uneducated, it keeps us in touch with 31004the ignorance of the community. 31005 -- Oscar Wilde 31006% 31007It's faster horses, 31008Younger women, 31009Older whiskey and 31010More money. 31011 -- Tom T. Hall, "The Secret of Life" 31012% 31013It's from Casablanca. I've been waiting all my life to use that line. 31014 -- Woody Allen, "Play It Again, Sam" 31015% 31016It's getting uncommonly easy to kill people in large numbers, and the 31017first thing a principle does -- if it really is a principle -- is to 31018kill somebody. 31019 -- Dorothy Sayers 31020% 31021It's gonna be alright, 31022It's almost midnight, 31023And I've got two more bottles of wine. 31024% 31025It's hard not to like a man of many qualities, 31026even if most of them are bad. 31027% 31028It's hard to argue that God hated Oklahoma. 31029If He didn't, why is it so close to Texas? 31030% 31031It's hard to be humble when you're perfect. 31032% 31033It's hard to drive at the limit, but 31034it's harder to know where the limits are. 31035 -- Stirling Moss 31036% 31037It's hard to get ivory in Africa, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa. 31038 -- Groucho Marx 31039% 31040It's hard to keep your shirt on when 31041you're getting something off your chest. 31042% 31043It's hard to outrun dead people because they don't have to breathe. 31044 -- Hokey, describing "Night of the Living Dead" 31045% 31046It's hard to think of you as the end 31047result of millions of years of evolution. 31048% 31049It's illegal in Wilbur, Washington, to ride an ugly horse. 31050% 31051It's important that people know what you stand for. 31052It's more important that they know what you won't stand for. 31053% 31054It's interesting to think that many quite 31055distinguished people have bodies similar to yours. 31056% 31057It's is not, it isn't ain't, and it's it's, not its, if you mean it is. 31058If you don't, it's its. Then too, it's hers. It isn't her's. It isn't 31059our's either. It's ours, and likewise yours and theirs. 31060 -- Oxford University Press, "Edpress News" 31061% 31062It's just a jump to the left 31063 And then a step to the right. 31064Put your hands on your hips 31065 You bring your knees in tight. 31066But it's the pelvic thrust 31067 That really drives you insa-a-a-a-a-ane! 31068 31069 LET'S DO THE TIME WARP AGAIN! 31070 31071 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show 31072% 31073It's just apartment house rules, 31074So all you 'partment house fools 31075Remember: one man's ceiling is another man's floor. 31076One man's ceiling is another man's floor. 31077 -- Paul Simon, "One Man's Ceiling Is Another Man's Floor" 31078% 31079"It's kind of fun to do the impossible." 31080 -- Walt Disney 31081% 31082It's later than you think. 31083% 31084It's later than you think, the joint 31085Russian-American space mission has already begun. 31086% 31087It's like deja vu all over again. 31088 -- Yogi Berra 31089% 31090"It's Like This" 31091 31092Even the samurai 31093have teddy bears, 31094and even the teddy bears 31095get drunk. 31096% 31097It's lucky you're going so slowly, because you're going in the wrong 31098direction. 31099% 31100"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name." 31101% 31102It's more than magnificent -- it's mediocre. 31103 -- Sam Goldwyn 31104% 31105It's multiple choice time... 31106 31107 What is FORTRAN? 31108 31109 a: Between thre and fiv tran. 31110 b: What two computers engage in before they interface. 31111 c: Ridiculous. 31112% 31113Its name is Public Opinion. It is held in reverence. 31114It settles everything. Some think it is the voice of God. 31115 -- Mark Twain 31116% 31117It's never too late to have a happy childhood. 31118% 31119It's no longer a question of staying healthy. It's a question of finding 31120a sickness you like. 31121 -- Jackie Mason 31122% 31123It's no surprise that things are so screwed up: everyone that knows how 31124to run a government is either driving taxicabs or cutting hair. 31125 -- George Burns 31126% 31127It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat. 31128% 31129It's not against any religion to want to dispose of a pigeon. 31130 -- Tom Lehrer 31131% 31132It's not an optical illusion, it just looks like one. 31133 -- Phil White 31134% 31135"It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either." 31136 -- Kevin White, mayor of Boston 31137% 31138It's not easy being green. 31139 -- Kermit 31140% 31141It's not enough to be Hungarian; you must have talent too. 31142 -- Alexander Korda 31143% 31144It's not hard to admit errors that are [only] cosmetically wrong. 31145 -- J. K. Galbraith 31146% 31147"It's not just a computer -- it's your ass." 31148 -- Cal Keegan 31149% 31150It's not reality or how you perceive things that's important -- it's 31151what you're taking for it... 31152% 31153It's not reality that's important, but how you perceive things. 31154% 31155It's not so hard to lift yourself by your bootstraps once you're off 31156the ground. 31157 -- Daniel B. Luten 31158% 31159It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it 31160happens. 31161 -- Woody Allen 31162% 31163It's not the fall that kills you, it's the landing. 31164% 31165It's not the men in my life, but the life in my men that counts. 31166 -- Mae West 31167% 31168It's not the valleys in life I dread so much as the dips. 31169 -- Garfield 31170% 31171It's not whether you win or lose but how you look playing the game. 31172% 31173It's not whether you win or lose but how you played the game. 31174 -- Grantland Rice 31175% 31176It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you look playing the game. 31177% 31178It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you place the blame. 31179% 31180It's odd, and a little unsettling, to reflect upon the fact that 31181English is the only major language in which "I" is capitalized; in many 31182other languages "You" is capitalized and the "i" is lower case. 31183 -- Sydney J. Harris 31184% 31185It's only by NOT taking the human race seriously that I retain 31186what fragments of my once considerable mental powers I still possess. 31187 -- Roger Noe 31188% 31189It's our fault. We should have given him better parts. 31190 -- Jack Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been 31191 elected governor of California. 31192 31193[Warner is also reported to have said, when told of Reagan's candidacy 31194for governor, "No, Jimmy Stewart for Governor; Reagan for best friend."] 31195% 31196It's possible that the whole purpose of your life is to serve 31197as a warning to others. 31198% 31199It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; 31200poverty and wealth have both failed. 31201 -- Kin Hubbard 31202% 31203It's raisins that make Post Raisin Bran so raisiny ... 31204% 31205It's really quite a simple choice: Life, Death, or Los Angeles. 31206% 31207It's reassuring to know that if you behave strangely enough, 31208society will take full responsibility for you. 31209% 31210It's recently come to Fortune's attention that scientists have stopped 31211using laboratory rats in favor of attorneys. Seems that there are not 31212only more of them, but you don't get so emotionally attached. The only 31213difficulty is that it's sometimes difficult to apply the experimental 31214results to humans. 31215 31216 [Also, there are some things even a rat won't do. Ed.] 31217% 31218It's so beautifully arranged on the plate -- you know someone's fingers 31219have been all over it. 31220 -- Julia Child on nouvelle cuisine 31221% 31222It's so confusing choosing sides in the heat of the moment, 31223 just to see if it's real, 31224Oooh, it's so erotic having you tell me how it should feel, 31225But I'm avoiding all the hard cold facts that I got to face, 31226So ask me just one question when this magic night is through, 31227Could it have been just anyone or did it have to be you? 31228 -- Billy Joel, "Glass Houses" 31229% 31230It's so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the 31231Devil when he is the only explanation for it. 31232% 31233It's sweet to be remembered, but it's often cheaper to be forgotten. 31234% 31235It's ten o'clock; do you know where your processes are? 31236% 31237It's the good girls who keep the diaries, the bad girls never have the time. 31238 -- Tallulah Bankhead 31239% 31240It's the opinion of some that crops could be grown on the moon. Which 31241raises the fear that it may not be long before we're paying somebody 31242not to. 31243 -- Franklin P. Jones 31244% 31245It's the same old story; boy meets beer, boy drinks beer... 31246boy gets another beer. 31247 -- Cheers 31248% 31249It's the thought, if any, that counts! 31250% 31251"It's today!" said Piglet. 31252"My favorite day," said Pooh. 31253% 31254It's useless to try to hold some people to anything they say while they're 31255madly in love, drunk, or running for office. 31256% 31257It's very glamorous to raise millions of dollars, until it's time for the 31258venture capitalist to suck your eyeballs out. 31259 -- Peter Kennedy, chairman of Kraft & Kennedy 31260% 31261It's very inconvenient to be mortal -- you never 31262know when everything may suddenly stop happening. 31263% 31264IV. The time required for an object to fall twenty stories is greater than or 31265 equal to the time it takes for whoever knocked it off the ledge to 31266 spiral down twenty flights to attempt to capture it unbroken. 31267 Such an object is inevitably priceless, the attempt to capture it 31268 inevitably unsuccessful. 31269 V. All principles of gravity are negated by fear. 31270 Psychic forces are sufficient in most bodies for a shock to propel 31271 them directly away from the earth's surface. A spooky noise or an 31272 adversary's signature sound will induce motion upward, usually to 31273 the cradle of a chandelier, a treetop, or the crest of a flagpole. 31274 The feet of a character who is running or the wheels of a speeding 31275 auto need never touch the ground, especially when in flight. 31276VI. As speed increases, objects can be in several places at once. 31277 This is particularly true of tooth-and-claw fights, in which a 31278 character's head may be glimpsed emerging from the cloud of 31279 altercation at several places simultaneously. This effect is common 31280 as well among bodies that are spinning or being throttled. A "wacky" 31281 character has the option of self-replication only at manic high 31282 speeds and may ricochet off walls to achieve the velocity required. 31283 -- Esquire, "O'Donnell's Laws of Cartoon Motion", June 1980 31284% 31285I've already told you more than I know. 31286% 31287I've always considered statesmen to be more expendable than soldiers. 31288% 31289I've always felt sorry for people that don't drink -- remember, 31290when they wake up, that's as good as they're gonna feel all day! 31291% 31292I've always made it a solemn practice to never 31293drink anything stronger than tequila before breakfast. 31294 -- R. Nesson 31295% 31296I've been in more laps than a napkin. 31297 -- Mae West 31298% 31299I've Been Moved! 31300% 31301I've been on a diet for two weeks and all I've lost is two weeks. 31302 -- Totie Fields 31303% 31304I've been on this lonely road so long, 31305Does anybody know where it goes, 31306I remember last time the signs pointed home, 31307A month ago. 31308 -- Carpenters, "Road Ode" 31309% 31310I've been there. 31311% 31312I've built a better model than the one at Data General 31313For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral 31314My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality; 31315My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality. 31316My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity, 31317You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity; 31318There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting; 31319My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting. 31320 31321I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point: 31322There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point, 31323Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral 31324I've built a better model than the one at Data General. 31325 31326 -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of 31327 "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance", 31328 by Gilbert & Sullivan) 31329% 31330I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand. 31331% 31332I've finally learned what "upward compatible" means. 31333It means we get to keep all our old mistakes. 31334 -- Dennie van Tassel 31335% 31336I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was 31337this little hole in the bottom ... 31338 -- John Croll 31339% 31340I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself. 31341% 31342I've got a very bad feeling about this. 31343 -- Han Solo 31344% 31345I've got all the money I'll ever need if I die by 4 o'clock. 31346 -- Henny Youngman 31347% 31348I've got some powdered water, but I don't know what to add. 31349 -- Steven Wright 31350% 31351I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. 31352 -- Groucho Marx 31353% 31354I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes 31355on the same day. 31356% 31357I've looked at the listing, and it's right! 31358 -- Joel Halpern 31359% 31360I've never been canoeing before, but I imagine there must 31361be just a few simple heuristics you have to remember... 31362 31363Yes, don't fall out, and don't hit rocks. 31364% 31365I've never been drunk, but often I've been overserved. 31366 -- George Gobel 31367% 31368I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say. 31369 -- Calvin Coolidge 31370% 31371I've never had a problem with drugs; I've had problems with the police. 31372 -- Keith Richards 31373 31374I never turn blue in anyone's bathroom. I think that's the height of 31375bad taste. 31376 -- Keith Richards 31377% 31378I've never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother. 31379 -- W. C. Fields 31380% 31381I've noticed several design suggestions in your code. 31382% 31383I've only got 12 cards. 31384% 31385I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer. 31386% 31387I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer. 31388 -- Senator Claghorn 31389% 31390I've spent almost all of my life with highly intelligent men. They're not 31391like other men. Their spirit is great and stimulating. They hate strife; 31392indeed they reject it. Their inventive gifts are boundless. They demand 31393devotion and obedience. And a sense of humor. I happily gave all of this. 31394I was lucky to be chosen and clever enough to understand them. 31395 -- Marlene Dietrich, on her friendship with Ernest Hemingway 31396% 31397I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness; 31398And from that full meridian of my glory 31399I haste now to my setting. I shall fall, 31400Like a bright exhalation in the evening 31401And no man see me more. 31402 -- William Shakespeare 31403% 31404I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes 31405me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw. 31406 -- Tallulah Bankhead 31407% 31408Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government: 31409 No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the 31410legislature is in session. 31411% 31412jake hates 31413 all the girls(the 31414shy ones, the bold paul scorns all 31415ones; the meek the girls(the 31416proud sloppy sleek) bright ones, the dim 31417all except the cold ones; the slim 31418 ones plump tiny tall) 31419 all except the 31420 dull ones 31421gus loves all the 31422 girls(the 31423warped ones, the lamed mike likes all the girls 31424ones; the mad (the 31425moronic maimed) fat ones, the lean 31426all except ones; the mean 31427 the dead ones kind dirty clean) 31428 all 31429 except the green ones 31430 -- e. e. cummings 31431% 31432James Joyce -- an essentially private man who wished his total 31433indifference to public notice to be universally recognized. 31434 -- Tom Stoppard 31435% 31436James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his 31437West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life, 31438"If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general." 31439% 31440Jane and I got mixed up with a television show -- or as we call it back 31441east here: TV -- a clever contraction derived from the words Terrible 31442Vaudeville. However, it is our latest medium -- we call it a medium 31443because nothing's well done. It was discovered, I suppose you've heard, 31444by a man named Fulton Berle, and it has already revolutionized social 31445grace by cutting down parlour conversation to two sentences: "What's on 31446television?" and "Good night". 31447 -- Goodman Ace, letter to Groucho Marx, in The Groucho 31448 Letters, 1967 31449% 31450Japan, n: 31451 A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists 31452 create electronic equipment and computers using black magic. It 31453 is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are 31454 paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from 31455 which they are harvested by the happy natives. 31456% 31457Jealousy is all the fun you think they have. 31458% 31459Jenkinson's Law: 31460 It won't work. 31461% 31462Jesus Saves, 31463Moses Invests, 31464But only Buddha pays Dividends. 31465% 31466Jim, it's Grace at the bank. I checked your Christmas Club account. 31467You don't have five-hundred dollars. You have fifty. Sorry, computer foul-up! 31468% 31469Jim, it's Jack. I'm at the airport. I'm going to Tokyo and wanna pay 31470you the five-hundred I owe you. Catch you next year when I get back! 31471% 31472Jim Nasium's Law: 31473 In a large locker room with hundreds of lockers, the few people 31474 using the facility at any one time will all have lockers next to 31475 each other so that everybody is cramped. 31476% 31477Jim, this is Janelle. I'm flying tonight, so I can't make our date, and 31478I gotta find a safe place for Daffy. He loves you, Jim! It's only two 31479days, and you'll see. Great Danes are no problem! 31480% 31481Jim, this is Matty down at Ralph's and Mark's. Some guy named Angel 31482Martin just ran up a fifty buck bar tab. And now he wants to charge it 31483to you. You gonna pay it? 31484% 31485JOB INTERVIEW: 31486 The excruciating process during which personnel officers 31487 separate the wheat from the chaff -- then hire the chaff. 31488% 31489Job Placement, n.: 31490 Telling your boss what he can do with your job. 31491% 31492Joe Cool always spends the first two weeks at college sailing his frisbee. 31493 -- Snoopy 31494% 31495Joe sat as his dying wife's bedside. 31496Her voice was little more than a whisper. 31497 "Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make 31498before I go. I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe... 31499I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles. And it was I who 31500forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported 31501your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..." 31502 "That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought," 31503whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you." 31504% 31505Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes! 31506% 31507jogger, n: 31508 An odd sort of person with a thing for pain. 31509% 31510John Dame May Oscar 31511Was Gay Was Whitty Was Wilde 31512But Gerard Hopkins But John Greenleaf But Thornton 31513Was Manley Was Whittier Was Wilder 31514 -- Willard Espy 31515% 31516JOHN PAUL ELECTED POPE!! 31517 31518(George and Ringo miffed.) 31519% 31520John the Baptist after poisoning a thief, 31521Looks up at his hero, the Commander-in-Chief, 31522Saying tell me great leader, but please make it brief 31523Is there a hole for me to get sick in? 31524The Commander-in-Chief answers him while chasing a fly, 31525Saying death to all those who would whimper and cry. 31526And dropping a barbell he points to the sky, 31527Saying the sun is not yellow, it's chicken. 31528 -- Bob Dylan, "Tombstone Blues" 31529% 31530Johnny Carson's Definition: 31531 The smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs 31532 in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the 31533 taxi driver behind you blowing his horn. 31534% 31535Johnson's First Law: 31536 When any mechanical contrivance fails, it will do so at the 31537most inconvenient possible time. 31538% 31539Johnson's law: 31540 Systems resemble the organizations that create them. 31541% 31542Join in the new game that's sweeping the country. It's called 31543"Bureaucracy". Everybody stands in a circle. The first person to do 31544anything loses. 31545% 31546Join the army, see the world, meet interesting, 31547exciting people, and kill them. 31548% 31549Join the march to save individuality! 31550% 31551Join the Navy; sail to far-off exotic lands, 31552meet exciting interesting people, and kill them. 31553% 31554Jones' First Law: 31555 Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of 31556 endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, becomes an 31557 obstruction to its progress -- in direct proportion to the 31558 importance of their original contribution. 31559% 31560Jone's Law: 31561 The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone 31562to blame it on. 31563% 31564Jone's Motto: 31565 Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. 31566% 31567Joshu: What is the true Way? 31568Nansen: Every way is the true Way. 31569J: Can I study it? 31570N: The more you study, the further from the Way. 31571J: If I don't study it, how can I know it? 31572N: The Way does not belong to things seen: nor to things unseen. 31573 It does not belong to things known: nor to things unknown. Do 31574 not seek it, study it, or name it. To find yourself on it, open 31575 yourself as wide as the sky. 31576% 31577Journalism is literature in a hurry. 31578 -- Matthew Arnold 31579% 31580Journalism will kill you, but it will keep you alive while you're at it. 31581% 31582Juall's Law on Nice Guys: 31583 Nice guys don't always finish last; sometimes they don't finish. 31584 Sometimes they don't even get a chance to start! 31585% 31586Judges, as a class, display, in the matter of arranging alimony, that 31587reckless generosity which is found only in men who are giving away 31588someone else's cash. 31589 -- P. G. Wodehouse, "Louder and Funnier" 31590% 31591Just a few of the perfect excuses for having some strawberry shortcake. 31592Pick one. 31593 315941: It's less calories than two pieces of strawberry shortcake. 315952: It's cheaper than going to France. 315963: It neutralizes the brownies I had yesterday. 315974: Life is short. 315985: It's somebody's birthday. I don't want them to celebrate alone. 315996: It matches my eyes. 316007: Whoever said, "Let them eat cake." must have been talking to me. 316018: To punish myself for eating dessert yesterday. 316029: Compensation for all the time I spend in the shower not eating. 3160310: Strawberry shortcake is evil. I must help rid the world of it. 3160411: I'm getting weak from eating all that healthy stuff. 3160512: It's the second anniversary of the night I ate plain broccoli. 31606% 31607Just a song before I go, Going through security 31608To whom it may concern, I held her for so long. 31609Traveling twice the speed of sound She finally looked at me in love, 31610It's easy to get burned. And she was gone. 31611When the shows were over Just a song before I go, 31612We had to get back home, A lesson to be learned. 31613And when we opened up the door Traveling twice the speed of sound 31614I had to be alone. It's easy to get burned. 31615She helped me with my suitcase, 31616She stands before my eyes, 31617Driving me to the airport 31618And to the friendly skies. 31619 -- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Just a Song Before I Go" 31620% 31621Just about every computer on the market today runs Unix, except the Mac 31622(and nobody cares about it). 31623 -- Bill Joy 6/21/85 31624% 31625Just as I cannot remember any time when I could not read and write, I cannot 31626remember any time when I did not exercise my imagination in daydreams about 31627women. 31628 -- George Bernard Shaw 31629% 31630Just as most issues are seldom black or white, so are most good 31631solutions seldom black or white. Beware of the solution that requires 31632one side to be totally the loser and the other side to be totally the 31633winner. The reason there are two sides to begin with usually is 31634because neither side has all the facts. Therefore, when the wise 31635mediator effects a compromise, he is not acting from political 31636motivation. Rather, he is acting from a deep sense of respect for the 31637whole truth. 31638 -- Stephen R. Schwambach 31639% 31640Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has 31641changed. 31642 -- Irene Peter 31643% 31644Just because he's dead is no reason to lay off work. 31645% 31646Just because I turn down a contract on a guy doesn't mean he isn't 31647going to get hit. 31648 -- Joey 31649% 31650Just because the message may never be 31651received does not mean it is not worth sending. 31652% 31653Just because they are called "forbidden" transitions does not mean that they 31654are forbidden. They are less allowed than allowed transitions, if you see 31655what I mean. 31656 -- From a Part 2 Quantum Mechanics lecture 31657% 31658Just because you like my stuff doesn't mean I owe you anything. 31659 -- Bob Dylan 31660% 31661Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he 31662knows what it is. 31663% 31664Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you. 31665% 31666Just close your eyes, tap your heels together three times, 31667and think to yourself, `There's no place like home.' 31668 -- Billie Burke as Glinda, "The Wizard of Oz" 31669% 31670Just give Alice some pencils and she will stay busy for hours. 31671% 31672Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you 31673get a prompt, type like hell. 31674% 31675Just how difficult it is to write biography can be reckoned by anybody 31676who sits down and considers just how many people know the real truth 31677about his or her love affairs. 31678 -- Rebecca West 31679% 31680Just machines to make big decisions, 31681Programmed by men for compassion and vision, 31682We'll be clean when their work is done, 31683We'll be eternally free, yes, eternally young, 31684What a beautiful world this will be, 31685What a glorious time to be free. 31686 -- Donald Fagon, "What A Beautiful World" 31687% 31688Just once, I wish we would encounter an alien menace that wasn't 31689immune to bullets. 31690 -- Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart, "Doctor Who" 31691% 31692"Just out of curiosity does this actually mean something or have some 31693of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?" 31694 -- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US 31695% 31696"Just remember, it all started with a mouse." 31697 -- Walt Disney 31698% 31699Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to 31700twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty! 31701% 31702Just remember, wherever you go, there you are. 31703 -- Buckaroo Banzai 31704% 31705`Just the place for a Snark!' the Bellman cried, 31706 As he landed his crew with care; 31707Supporting each man on the top of the tide 31708 By a finger entwined in his hair. 31709 31710`Just the place for a Snark! I have said it twice: 31711 That alone should encourage the crew. 31712Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice: 31713 What I tell you three times is true.' 31714 -- Lewis Carroll, "The Hunting of the Snark" 31715% 31716Just think -- blessed SCSI cables! Do a big enough sacrifice and create 31717a +5 blessed SCSI cable of connectivity. 31718 -- Lionel Lauer 31719% 31720Just to have it is enough. 31721% 31722Just weigh your own hurt against the hurt 31723of all the others, and then do what's best. 31724 -- Lovers and Other Strangers 31725% 31726Just what does "it" mean in the sentence, "What time is it?" 31727% 31728Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a 31729faster rat!!! 31730% 31731Just yesterday morning, they let me know you were gone, 31732Suzanne, the plans they made put an end to you, 31733I went out this morning and I wrote down this song, 31734Just can't remember who to send it to... 31735 31736Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain, 31737I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end, 31738I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend, 31739But I always thought that I'd see you again. 31740Thought I'd see you one more time again. 31741 -- James Taylor, "Fire and Rain" 31742% 31743Justice always prevails ... three times out of seven! 31744 -- Michael J. Wagner 31745% 31746Justice is incidental to law and order. 31747 -- J. Edgar Hoover 31748% 31749Justice, n.: 31750 A decision in your favor. 31751% 31752K: Cobalt's metal, hard and shining; 31753 Cobol's wordy and confining; 31754 KOBOLDS topple when you strike them; 31755 Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them. 31756 -- The Roguelet's ABC 31757% 31758Kafka's Law: 31759 In the fight between you and the world, back the world. 31760 -- Franz Kafka, "RS's 1974 Expectation of Days" 31761% 31762Kamikazes do it once. 31763% 31764KANSAS: 31765 Where the men are men and so are the women! 31766% 31767Kansas state law requires pedestrians crossing the highways at night to 31768wear tail lights. 31769% 31770Karlson's Theorem of Snack Food Packages: 31771 31772For all P, where P is a package of snack food, P is a SINGLE-SERVING 31773package of snack food. 31774 31775Gibson the Cat's Corollary: 31776 31777For all L, where L is a package of lunch meat, L is Gibson's package 31778of lunch meat. 31779% 31780Kath: Can he be present at the birth of his child? 31781Ed: It's all any reasonable child can expect if the dad is present 31782 at the conception. 31783 -- Joe Orton, "Entertaining Mr. Sloane" 31784% 31785Katz' Law: 31786 Man and nations will act rationally when all other 31787possibilities have been exhausted. 31788% 31789Katz' Law: 31790 Men and nations will act rationally when all other 31791possibilities have been exhausted. 31792 31793History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have 31794exhausted all other alternatives. 31795 -- Abba Eban 31796% 31797Kaufman's First Law of Party Physics: 31798 Population density is inversely proportional 31799 to the square of the distance from the keg. 31800% 31801Kaufman's Law: 31802 A policy is a restrictive document to prevent a recurrence 31803 of a single incident, in which that incident is never mentioned. 31804% 31805Keep a diary and one day it'll keep you. 31806 -- Mae West 31807% 31808Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans. 31809% 31810Keep ancient lands, your storied pomp! cries she 31811With silent lips. Give me your tired, your poor, 31812Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, 31813The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. 31814Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me... 31815 -- Emma Lazarus, "The New Colossus" 31816% 31817Keep Cool, but Don't Freeze 31818 -- Hellman's Mayonnaise 31819% 31820Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis. 31821% 31822Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo. 31823% 31824Keep in mind always the four constant Laws of Frisbee: 31825 1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc 31826 straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this 31827 force is technically termed "car suck"). 31828 2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive 31829 than "Watch this!" 31830 3) The probability of a Frisbee hitting something is directly 31831 proportional to the cost of hitting it. For instance, a 31832 Frisbee will always head directly towards a policeman or 31833 a little old lady rather than the beat up Chevy. 31834 4) Your best throw happens when no one is watching; when the 31835 cute girl you've been trying to impress is watching, the 31836 Frisbee will invariably bounce out of your hand or hit you 31837 in the head and knock you silly. 31838% 31839Keep it short for pithy sake. 31840% 31841Keep on keepin' on. 31842% 31843Keep patting your enemy on the back until a 31844small bullet hole appears between your fingers. 31845 -- Joe Bonanno 31846% 31847Keep the number of passes in a compiler to a minimum. 31848 -- D. Gries 31849% 31850Keep the phase, baby. 31851% 31852Keep up the good work! But please don't ask me to help. 31853% 31854Keep women you cannot. Marry them and they come to hate the way 31855you walk across the room; remain their lover, and they jilt you 31856at the end of six months. 31857 -- Moore 31858% 31859Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. 31860% 31861Keep your Eye on the Ball, 31862Your Shoulder to the Wheel, 31863Your Nose to the Grindstone, 31864Your Feet on the Ground, 31865Your Head on your Shoulders. 31866Now ... try to get something DONE! 31867% 31868Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. 31869 -- Benjamin Franklin 31870% 31871Keep your laws off my body! 31872% 31873Keep your mouth shut and people will think you stupid; 31874Open it and you remove all doubt. 31875% 31876Ken Thompson has an automobile which he helped design. Unlike most 31877automobiles, it has neither speedometer, nor gas gauge, nor any of the 31878numerous idiot lights which plague the modern driver. Rather, if the 31879driver makes any mistake, a giant "?" lights up in the center of the 31880dashboard. "The experienced driver", he says, "will usually know 31881what's wrong." 31882% 31883Kennedy's Market Theorem: 31884 Given enough inside information and unlimited credit, 31885 you've got to go broke. 31886% 31887Kent's Heuristic: 31888 Look for it first where you'd most like to find it. 31889% 31890kern, v: 31891 1. To pack type together as tightly as the kernels on an ear 31892 of corn. 2. In parts of Brooklyn and Queens, N.Y., a small, 31893 metal object used as part of the monetary system. 31894% 31895KERNEL: 31896 A part of an operating system that preserves the medieval 31897 traditions of sorcery and black art. 31898% 31899Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: 31900 Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students, 31901and parking for the faculty. 31902% 31903Kettering's Observation: 31904 Logic is an organized way of going wrong with confidence. 31905% 31906Kids always brighten up a house; mostly by leaving the lights on. 31907% 31908Kids have *never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could travel 31909back in time and observe the original primate family in the original tree, 31910you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate teenager for sitting 31911around and sulking all day instead of hunting for grubs and berries like 31912dad primate. Then you'd see the primate teenager stomp up to his branch 31913and slam the leaves. 31914 -- Dave Barry 31915% 31916Kids have *_____never* taken guidance from their parents. If you could 31917travel back in time and observe the original primate family in the 31918original tree, you would see the primate parents yelling at the primate 31919teenager for sitting around and sulking all day instead of hunting for 31920grubs and berries like dad primate. Then you'd see the primate 31921teenager stomp up to his branch and slam the leaves. 31922 -- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly 31923 Do" 31924% 31925Kill a commy for your mommy. 31926% 31927Kill 'em all, and let God sort 'em out. 31928% 31929Kill for the love of killing! Kill for the love of Kali! 31930 -- Hindu saying 31931% 31932Kill Kill, 31933Hate Hate, 31934Murder, Maim, and Mutilate! 31935% 31936Kill your parents. 31937 -- Jerry Rubin 31938% 31939Killing turkeys causes winter. 31940% 31941Kilroe hic erat! 31942% 31943Kime's Law for the Reward of Meekness: 31944 Turning the other cheek merely ensures two bruised cheeks. 31945% 31946Kin, n.: 31947 An affliction of the blood. 31948% 31949Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can read. 31950 -- Mark Twain 31951% 31952Kindness is the beginning of cruelty. 31953 -- Muad'dib, "Dune" 31954% 31955Kington's Law of Perforation: 31956 If a straight line of holes is made in a piece of paper, such 31957 as a sheet of stamps or a check, that line becomes the strongest 31958 part of the paper. 31959% 31960Kinkler's First Law: 31961 Responsibility always exceeds authority. 31962 31963Kinkler's Second Law: 31964 All the easy problems have been solved. 31965% 31966Kirk to Enterprise... 31967% 31968Kirk to Enterprise -- beam down yeoman Rand and a six-pack. 31969% 31970Kirkland, Illinois, law forbids bees to fly over the village or through 31971any of its streets. 31972% 31973Kiss a non-smoker; taste the difference. 31974% 31975Kiss me, Kate, we will be married o' Sunday. 31976 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" 31977% 31978Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. 31979% 31980Kiss your keyboard goodbye! 31981% 31982Kissing a fish is like smoking a bicycle. 31983% 31984Kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray. 31985% 31986Kissing don't last, cookery do. 31987 -- George Meredith 31988% 31989Kissing your hand may make you feel very good, but a diamond and 31990sapphire bracelet lasts for ever. 31991 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" 31992% 31993Kitchen activity is highlighted. 31994Butter up a friend. 31995% 31996Kites rise highest against the wind -- not with it. 31997 -- Winston Churchill 31998% 31999Klatu barada nikto. 32000% 32001Kleeneness is next to Godelness. 32002% 32003Klein bottle for rent -- inquire within. 32004% 32005Klein bottle for sale ... inquire within. 32006% 32007Kleptomaniac, n.: 32008 A rich thief. 32009 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 32010% 32011Kliban's First Law of Dining: 32012 Never eat anything bigger than your head. 32013% 32014Klingon phaser attack from front!!!!! 32015100% Damage to life support!!!! 32016% 32017Kludge, n: 32018 An ill-assorted collection of poorly-matching parts, forming a 32019 distressing whole. 32020 -- Jackson Granholm, "Datamation" 32021% 32022Knebel's Law: 32023 It is now proved beyond doubt that smoking is one of the leading 32024 causes of statistics. 32025% 32026Knights are hardly worth it. 32027I mean, all that shell and so little meat... 32028% 32029Knock, knock! 32030 Who's there? 32031Sam and Janet. 32032 Sam and Janet who? 32033Sam and Janet Evening... 32034% 32035Knock Knock... (who's there?) Ether! (ether who?) Eather Bunny... Yea! 32036[chorus] 32037 Yeay! 32038 Stay on the Happy side, always on the happy side, 32039 Stay on the Happy side of life! 32040 Bum bum bum bum bum bum 32041 You will feel no pain, as we drive you insane, 32042 So Stay on the Happy Side of life! 32043 32044Knock Knock... (who's there?) Anna! (anna who?) 32045 An another eather bunny... [chorus] 32046Knock Knock... (who's there?) Stilla! (stilla who?) 32047 Still another ether bunny... [chorus] 32048Knock Knock... (who's there?) Yetta! (yetta who?) 32049 Yet another ether bunny... [chorus] 32050Knock Knock... (who's there?) Cargo! (cargo who?) 32051 Cargo beep beep and run over eather bunny... [chorus] 32052Knock Knock... (who's there?) Boo! (boo who?) 32053 Don't Cry! Eather bunny be back next year! [chorus] 32054% 32055Knocked, you weren't in. 32056 -- Opportunity 32057% 32058Know how to save 5 drowning lawyers? 32059 32060-- No? 32061 32062GOOD! 32063% 32064Know Thy User. 32065% 32066Know thyself. If you need help, call the C.I.A. 32067% 32068Know what I hate most? Rhetorical questions. 32069 -- Henry N. Camp 32070% 32071KNOWLEDGE: 32072 Things you believe. 32073% 32074Knowledge is power. 32075 -- Francis Bacon 32076% 32077Knowledge is power -- knowledge shared is power lost. 32078 -- Aleister Crowley 32079% 32080Knowledge without common sense is folly. 32081% 32082Knucklehead: "Knock, knock" 32083Pee Wee: "Who's there?" 32084Knucklehead: "Little ol' lady." 32085Pee Wee: "Liddle ol' lady who?" 32086Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel" 32087% 32088Kramer's Law: 32089 You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks. 32090% 32091Krogt, n. (chemical symbol: Kr): 32092 The metallic silver coating found on fast-food game cards. 32093 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 32094% 32095LA: 32096 Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed 32097 is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation. 32098 From mud slides to brush fires. 32099% 32100Labor, n.: 32101 One of the processes by which A acquires property for B. 32102 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 32103% 32104Lack of capability is usually disguised by lack of interest. 32105% 32106Lack of money is the root of all evil. 32107 -- George Bernard Shaw 32108% 32109Lackland's Laws: 32110 (1) Never be first. 32111 (2) Never be last. 32112 (3) Never volunteer for anything. 32113% 32114Lactomangulation, n.: 32115 Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk carton so badly 32116that one has to resort to using the "illegal" side. 32117 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 32118% 32119La-dee-dee, la-dee-dah. 32120% 32121Ladies and Gentlemen, Hobos and Tramps, 32122Cross-eyed mosquitos and bowlegged ants, 32123I come before you to stand behind you 32124To tell you of something I know nothing about. 32125Next Thursday (which is good Friday), 32126There will be a convention held in the 32127Women's Club which is strictly for Men. 32128Admission is free, pay at the door, 32129Pull up a chair, and sit on the floor. 32130It was a summer's day in winter, 32131And the snow was raining fast, 32132As a barefoot boy with shoes on, 32133Stood sitting in the grass. 32134Oh, that bright day in the dead of night, 32135Two dead men got up to fight. 32136Three blind men to see fair play, 32137Forty mutes to yell "Hooray"! 32138Back to back, they faced each other, 32139Drew their swords and shot each other. 32140A deaf policeman heard the noise, 32141Came and arrested those two dead boys. 32142% 32143Ladies, here's a hint: If you're playing against a friend who has big 32144boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys. That's 32145the hardest shot for the well endowed. "I've got to hit over them or 32146under them, but I can't hit through," Annie Jones used to always moan 32147to me. Not having much in my bra, I found it hard to sympathize with 32148her. 32149 -- Billie Jean King 32150% 32151Lady, lady, should you meet 32152One whose ways are all discreet, 32153One who murmurs that his wife 32154Is the lodestar of his life, 32155One who keeps assuring you 32156That he never was untrue, 32157Never loved another one... 32158Lady, lady, better run! 32159 -- Dorothy Parker, "Social Note" 32160% 32161Lady Luck brings added income today. 32162Lady friend takes it away tonight. 32163% 32164Lady Nancy Astor: 32165 "Winston, if you were my husband, I'd put poison in your coffee." 32166Winston Churchill: 32167 "Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it." 32168 32169Lady Astor was giving a costume ball and Winston Churchill asked her what 32170disguise she would recommend for him. She replied, "Why don't you come 32171sober, Mr. Prime Minister?" 32172 32173 During a visit to America, Winston Churchill was invited to a buffet 32174luncheon at which cold fried chicken was served. Returning for a second 32175helping, he asked politely, "May I have some breast?" 32176 "Mr. Churchill," replied the hostess, "in this country we ask for 32177white meat or dark meat." Churchill apologized profusely. 32178 The following morning, the lady received a magnificent orchid from 32179her guest of honor. The accompanying card read: "I would be most obliged if 32180you would pin this on your white meat." 32181% 32182Ladybug, ladybug, 32183Look to your stern! 32184Your house is on fire, 32185Your children will burn! 32186So jump ye and sing, for 32187The very first time 32188The four lines above 32189Have been put into rhyme. 32190 -- Walt Kelly 32191% 32192Laetrile is the pits. 32193% 32194Lake Erie died for your sins. 32195% 32196((lambda (foo) (bar foo)) (baz)) 32197% 32198Lamonte Cranston once hired a new Chinese manservant. While describing his 32199duties to the new man, Lamonte pointed to a bowl of candy on the coffee 32200table and warned him that he was not to take any. Some days later, the new 32201manservant was cleaning up, with no one at home, and decided to sample some 32202of the candy. Just than, Cranston walked in, spied the manservant at the 32203candy, and said: 32204 "Pardon me Choy, is that the Shadow's nugate you chew?" 32205% 32206Langsam's Laws: 32207 (1) Everything depends. 32208 (2) Nothing is always. 32209 (3) Everything is sometimes. 32210% 32211Language is a virus from another planet. 32212 -- William Burroughs 32213% 32214Lank: Here we go. We're about to set a new record. 32215Earl: (to the crowd) How about a date? 32216Lank: We've done it. Earl has set a new record. Turned down by 32217 20,000 women. 32218 -- Lank and Earl 32219% 32220Lansdale seized on the idea of using Nixon to build support for the 32221[Vietnamese] elections ... really honest elections, this time. "Oh, sure, 32222honest, yes, that's right," Nixon said, "so long as you win!" With that 32223he winked, drove his elbow into Lansdale's arm and slapped his own knee. 32224 -- Richard Nixon, quoted in "Sideshow" by W. Shawcross 32225% 32226Large increases in cost with questionable increases in 32227performance can be tolerated only in race horses and women. 32228 -- Lord Kelvin 32229% 32230Largest Number of Driving Test Failures 32231 By April 1970 Mrs. Miriam Hargrave had failed her test thirty-nine 32232times. In the eight preceding years she had received two hundred and 32233twelve driving lessons at a cost of L300. She set the new record while 32234driving triumphantly through a set of red traffic lights in Wakefield, 32235Yorkshire. Disappointingly, she passed at the fortieth attempt (3 August 322361970) but eight years later she showed some of her old magic when she was 32237reported as saying that she still didn't like doing right-hand turns. 32238 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 32239% 32240Larkinson's Law: 32241 All laws are basically false. 32242% 32243LASER: 32244 Failed death ray. 32245% 32246Lassie looked brilliant, in part because the farm family she lived with 32247was made up of idiots. Remember? One of them was always getting 32248pinned under the tractor, and Lassie was always rushing back to the 32249farmhouse to alert the other ones. She'd whimper and tug at their 32250sleeves, and they'd always waste precious minutes saying things: "Do 32251you think something's wrong? Do you think she wants us to follow her? 32252What is it, girl?", etc., as if this had never happened before, instead 32253of every week. What with all the time these people spent pinned under 32254the tractor, I don't see how they managed to grow any crops 32255whatsoever. They probably got by on federal crop supports, which 32256Lassie filed the applications for. 32257 -- Dave Barry 32258% 32259Last guys don't finish nice. 32260 -- Stanley Kelley, on the cult of victory at all costs 32261% 32262"Last night, I came home and realized that everything in my apartment 32263had been stolen and replaced with an exact duplicate. I told this to 32264my friend -- he said, `Do I know you?'" 32265 -- Steven Wright 32266% 32267Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up 32268the pillow was gone. 32269 -- Tommy Cooper 32270% 32271Last night I met upon the stair 32272A little man who wasn't there. 32273He wasn't there again today. 32274Gee how I wish he'd go away! 32275% 32276Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash.... 32277The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops. 32278 -- Steven Wright 32279% 32280"Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police 32281record. I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense 32282of humor." 32283% 32284Last week's pet, this week's special. 32285% 32286Last year we drove across the country... We switched on the driving... 32287every half mile. We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip. 32288I don't remember what it was. 32289 -- Steven Wright 32290% 32291Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won. 32292% 32293Latin is a language, 32294As dead as can be. 32295First it killed the Romans, 32296And now it's killing me. 32297% 32298Laugh, and the world ignores you. Crying doesn't help either. 32299% 32300Laugh and the world laughs with you, snore and you sleep alone. 32301% 32302Laugh and the world thinks you're an idiot. 32303% 32304Laugh at your problems; everybody else does. 32305% 32306Laugh when you can; cry when you must. 32307% 32308Laughing at you is like drop kicking a wounded humming bird. 32309% 32310"Laughter is the closest distance between two people." 32311 -- Victor Borge 32312% 32313Laura's Law: 32314 No child throws up in the bathroom. 32315% 32316Lavish spending can be disastrous. 32317Don't buy any lavishes for a while. 32318% 32319Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum 32320force necessary in dealing with disorders when they arise. 32321 -- Richard Nixon 32322% 32323Law of Communications: 32324 The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications 32325between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased area of 32326misunderstanding. 32327% 32328Law of Continuity: 32329 Experiments should be reproducible. 32330 They should all fail the same way. 32331% 32332Law of Probable Dispersal: 32333 Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly 32334distributed. 32335% 32336Law of Procrastination: 32337 Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has 32338 the feeling that there is nothing important to do. 32339% 32340Law of Selective Gravity: 32341 An object will fall so as to do the most damage. 32342 32343Jenning's Corollary: 32344 The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is 32345directly proportional to the cost of the carpet. 32346% 32347Law of the Jungle: 32348 He who hesitates is lunch. 32349% 32350Law of the Perversity of Nature: 32351 You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the 32352bread to butter. 32353% 32354Law of the Yukon: 32355 Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery. 32356% 32357Law stands mute in the midst of arms. 32358 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero 32359% 32360Lawful Dungeon Master -- and they're MY laws! 32361% 32362Lawrence Radiation Laboratory keeps all its data in an old gray trunk. 32363% 32364Laws are like sausages. It's better not to see them being made. 32365 -- Otto von Bismarck 32366% 32367Laws of Computer Programming: 32368 1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete. 32369 2. Any given program costs more and takes longer. 32370 3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed. 32371 4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented. 32372 5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory. 32373 6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its output. 32374 7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of 32375 the programmer who must maintain it. 32376% 32377Laws of Serendipity: 32378 32379 (1) In order to discover anything, you must be looking for 32380 something. 32381 (2) If you wish to make an improved product, you must already 32382 be engaged in making an inferior one. 32383% 32384LAWSUIT: 32385 A machine which you go into as a pig and come out as a sausage. 32386 -- Ambrose Bierce 32387% 32388Lawyer's Rule: 32389 When the law is against you, argue the facts. 32390 When the facts are against you, argue the law. 32391 When both are against you, call the other lawyer names. 32392% 32393Lay off the muses, it's a very tough dollar. 32394 -- S. J. Perelman 32395% 32396Lay on, MacDuff, and curs'd be him who first cries, "Hold, enough!". 32397 -- William Shakespeare 32398% 32399Lays eggs inside a paper bag; 32400The reason, you will see, no doubt, 32401Is to keep the lightning out. 32402But what these unobservant birds 32403Have failed to notice is that herds 32404Of bears may come with buns 32405And steal the bags to hold the crumbs. 32406% 32407Lazlo's Chinese Relativity Axiom: 32408 No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- 32409approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less. 32410% 32411LAZY: 32412 Marrying a pregnant woman. 32413% 32414Leadership involves finding a parade and getting in front of it; what 32415is happening in America is that those parades are getting smaller and 32416smaller -- and there are many more of them. 32417 -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends" 32418% 32419Learn from other people's mistakes, you don't have time to make your own. 32420% 32421Learn to pause -- or nothing worthwhile can catch up to you. 32422% 32423Learned men are the cisterns of knowledge, not the fountainheads. 32424% 32425Learning at some schools is like drinking from a firehose. 32426% 32427LEARNING CURVE: 32428 An astonishing new theory, discovered by management consultants 32429 in the 1970's, asserting that the more you do something the 32430 quicker you can do it. 32431% 32432Learning French is trivial: the word for horse is cheval, and 32433everything else follows in the same way. 32434 -- Alan J. Perlis 32435% 32436Learning without thought is labor lost; 32437thought without learning is perilous. 32438 -- Confucius 32439% 32440Leave no stone unturned. 32441 -- Euripides 32442% 32443Lee's Law: 32444 Mother said there would be days like this, 32445 but she never said that there'd be so many! 32446% 32447Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse. 32448% 32449Legalize free-enterprise murder: why should governments have all the 32450fun? 32451% 32452Legislation proposed in the Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907: 32453 "Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour 32454unless the motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a 32455drink in 30 days, when the driver will be permitted to make what he 32456can." 32457% 32458Leibowitz's Rule: 32459 When hammering a nail, you will never hit your finger if you 32460hold the hammer with both hands. 32461% 32462Lemma: All horses are the same color. 32463Proof (by induction): 32464 Case n = 1: In a set with only one horse, it is obvious that all 32465 horses in that set are the same color. 32466 Case n = k: Suppose you have a set of k+1 horses. Pull one of these 32467 horses out of the set, so that you have k horses. Suppose that all 32468 of these horses are the same color. Now put back the horse that you 32469 took out, and pull out a different one. Suppose that all of the k 32470 horses now in the set are the same color. Then the set of k+1 horses 32471 are all the same color. We have k true => k+1 true; therefore all 32472 horses are the same color. 32473Theorem: All horses have an infinite number of legs. 32474Proof (by intimidation): 32475 Everyone would agree that all horses have an even number of legs. It 32476 is also well-known that horses have forelegs in front and two legs in 32477 back. 4 + 2 = 6 legs, which is certainly an odd number of legs for a 32478 horse to have! Now the only number that is both even and odd is 32479 infinity; therefore all horses have an infinite number of legs. 32480 However, suppose that there is a horse somewhere that does not have an 32481 infinite number of legs. Well, that would be a horse of a different 32482 color; and by the Lemma, it doesn't exist. 32483% 32484Lemmings don't grow older, they just die. 32485% 32486Lend money to a bad debtor and he will hate you. 32487% 32488Lensmen eat Jedi for breakfast. 32489% 32490LEO (Jul. 23 to Aug. 22) 32491 Your presence, poise, charm and good looks won't even help you today. 32492 Look over your shoulder; an ugly person may be following you. Be on 32493 your toes. Brush your teeth. Take Geritol. 32494% 32495LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) 32496 You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are 32497 pushy. Most Leo people are bullies. You are vain and dislike 32498 honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people 32499 are thieves. 32500% 32501LEO (July 23 - Aug 22) 32502 Your determination and sense of humor will come to the fore. 32503 Your ability to laugh at adversity will be a blessing because 32504 you've got a day coming you wouldn't believe. As a matter of 32505 fact, if you can laugh at what happens to you today, you've got 32506 a sick sense of humor. 32507% 32508Lesbian QOTD: 32509I didn't give up sex, I just gave up premature ejaculation. 32510% 32511Let a fool hold his tongue and he will pass for a sage. 32512 -- Publilius Syrus 32513% 32514Let he who takes the plunge remember to return it by Tuesday. 32515% 32516Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish. 32517 -- William Shakespeare, "Coriolanus" 32518% 32519"Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a 32520number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash 32521and another number." 32522 -- James Estes 32523% 32524Let me not to the marriage of true minds 32525Admit impediments. Love is not love 32526Which alters when it alteration finds, 32527Or bends with the remover to remove: 32528O, no! it is an ever-fixed mark, 32529That looks on tempests and is never shaken; 32530It is the star to every wandering bark, 32531Whose worth's unknown, although his height be taken. 32532Love's not Time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks 32533Within his bending sickle's compass come; 32534Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, 32535But bears it out even to the edge of doom. 32536If this be error and upon me proved, 32537I never writ, nor no man ever loved. 32538 -- William Shakespeare, Sonnet CXVI 32539% 32540Let me put it this way: today is going to be a learning experience. 32541% 32542Let me take you a button-hole lower. 32543 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 32544% 32545Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side, you have 32546George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of fraternity hazing 32547wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating stunts to win the approval 32548of the Republican Right. For example, they had him make a speech oozing 32549praise all over William Loeb, deceased publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) 32550Union Leader and Slime Journalist. Loeb had dumped viciously all over George 32551in the 1980 New Hampshire primary. But when the Right held a big tribute 32552for Loeb, George came back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped 32553around his neck. 32554 -- Dave Barry 32555% 32556Let no guilty man escape. 32557 -- U. S. Grant 32558% 32559Let not the sands of time get in your lunch. 32560% 32561Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these. 32562 -- Ovid (43 B.C. - A.D. 18) 32563% 32564Let sleeping dogs lie. 32565 -- Charles Dickens 32566% 32567Let the machine do the dirty work. 32568 -- Kernighan and Plauger, "The Elements of Programming Style" 32569% 32570Let the meek inherit the earth -- they have it coming to them. 32571 -- James Thurber 32572% 32573Let the people think they govern and they will be governed. 32574 -- William Penn, founder of Pennsylvania 32575% 32576Let the worthy citizens of Chicago get their liquor the best way 32577they can. I'm sick of the job. It's a thankless one and full of grief. 32578 -- Al Capone 32579% 32580Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely. 32581 -- Benjamin Franklin 32582% 32583Let us go then you and I 32584while the night is laid out against the sky 32585like a smear of mustard on an old pork pie. 32586 32587"Nice poem Tom. I have ideas for changes though, why not come over?" 32588 -- Ezra 32589% 32590Let us go, through certain half-deserted streets, 32591The muttering retreats 32592Of restless nights in one-night cheap hotels 32593And sawdust restaurants with oyster-shells: 32594Streets that follow like a tedious argument 32595Of insidious intent 32596To lead you to an overwhelming question... 32597Oh, do not ask, "What is it?" 32598 -- T. S. Eliot, "Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock" 32599% 32600Let us live!!! 32601Let us love!!! 32602Let us share the deepest secrets of our souls!!! 32603 32604You first. 32605% 32606Let us never negotiate out of fear, 32607but let us never fear to negotiate. 32608 -- John F. Kennedy 32609% 32610Let us not look back in anger or forward 32611in fear, but around us in awareness. 32612 -- James Thurber 32613% 32614Let us remember that ours is a nation of lawyers and order. 32615% 32616Let us treat men and women well; 32617Treat them as if they were real; 32618Perhaps they are. 32619 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 32620% 32621Let your conscience be your guide. 32622 -- Pope 32623% 32624L'etat c'est moi. 32625[The state, that's me.] 32626 -- Louis XIV 32627% 32628Let's do it. 32629 -- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad 32630% 32631Let's just be friends and make no special 32632effort to ever see each other again. 32633% 32634Let's just say that where a change was required, I adjusted. In every 32635relationship that exists, people have to seek a way to survive. If you 32636really care about the person, you do what's necessary, or that's the 32637end. For the first time, I found that I really could change, and the 32638qualities I most admired in myself I gave up. I stopped being loud and 32639bossy ... Oh, all right. I was still loud and bossy, but only behind 32640his back. 32641 -- Kate Hepburn, on Tracy and Hepburn 32642% 32643Let's love each other slowly, 32644reaching for a plane, 32645of exquisite pleasure, 32646and delicate pain. 32647 -- Adam Beslove 32648% 32649Let's not complicate our relationship 32650by trying to communicate with each other. 32651% 32652Let's organize this thing and take all the fun out of it. 32653% 32654Let's remind ourselves that last year's fresh idea is today's cliche. 32655 -- Austen Briggs 32656% 32657Let's say your wedding ring falls into your toaster, and when you stick 32658your hand in to retrieve it, you suffer Pain and Suffering as well as 32659Mental Anguish. You would sue: 32660 32661* The toaster manufacturer, for failure to include, in the instructions 32662 section that says you should never never never ever stick you hand 32663 into the toaster, the statement "Not even if your wedding ring falls 32664 in there". 32665 32666* The store where you bought the toaster, for selling it to an obvious 32667 cretin like yourself. 32668 32669* Union Carbide Corporation, which is not directly responsible in this 32670 case, but which is feeling so guilty that it would probably send you 32671 a large cash settlement anyway. 32672 -- Dave Barry 32673% 32674Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return. Here's an often 32675overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of 32676dollars: For several days before you put it in the mail, carry your 32677tax return around under your armpit. No IRS agent is going to want to 32678spend hours poring over a sweat-stained document. So even if you owe 32679money, you can put in for an enormous refund and the agent will 32680probably give it to you, just to avoid an audit. What does he care? 32681It's not his money. 32682 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 32683% 32684LETTERS TO THE EDITOR (The Times of London) 32685 32686Dear Sir, 32687 32688I am firmly opposed to the spread of microchips either to the home or 32689to the office. We have more than enough of them foisted upon us in 32690public places. They are a disgusting Americanism, and can only result 32691in the farmers being forced to grow smaller potatoes, which in turn 32692will cause massive unemployment in the already severely depressed 32693agricultural industry. 32694 32695Yours faithfully, 32696 Capt. Quinton D'Arcy, J. P. 32697 Sevenoaks 32698% 32699LEVERAGE: 32700 Even if someone doesn't care what the world thinks 32701 about them, they always hope their mother doesn't find out. 32702% 32703Leveraging always beats prototyping. 32704% 32705Lewis's Law of Travel: 32706 The first piece of luggage out of the chute doesn't belong to 32707anyone, ever. 32708% 32709L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare. 32710 -- L. Pasteur 32711% 32712Liar, n.: 32713 A lawyer with a roving commission. 32714 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 32715% 32716Liar: one who tells an unpleasant truth. 32717 -- Oliver Herford 32718% 32719LIBERAL: 32720 Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist. 32721% 32722Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into 32723trouble. Conservatives are better. They never run out on you. 32724 -- Joseph "Crazy Joe" Gallo 32725% 32726Liberty don't work as good in practice as it does in speeches. 32727 -- The Best of Will Rogers 32728% 32729Liberty is always dangerous, but it is the safest thing we have. 32730 -- Harry Emerson Fosdick 32731% 32732LIBRA (Sep. 23 to Oct. 22) 32733 Your desire for justice and truth will be overshadowed by your 32734 desire for filthy lucre and a decent meal. Be gracious and 32735 polite. Someone is watching you, so stop staring like that. 32736% 32737LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22) 32738 You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with 32739 reality. If you are a man, you are more than likely gay. 32740 Chances for employment and monetary gains are excellent. Most 32741 Libra women are prostitutes. All Libra people die of venereal 32742 disease. 32743% 32744LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23) 32745 Major achievements, new friends, and a previously unexplored way 32746 to make a lot of money will come to a lot of people today, but 32747 unfortunately you won't be one of them. Consider not getting out 32748 of bed today. 32749% 32750Lie, n.: 32751 A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one 32752discovered to date. 32753% 32754Lieberman's Law: 32755 Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. 32756% 32757Lies! All lies! You're all lying against my boys! 32758 -- Ma Barker 32759% 32760LIFE: 32761 A whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. 32762% 32763LIFE: 32764 Learning about people the hard way -- by being one. 32765% 32766LIFE: 32767 That brief interlude between nothingness and eternity. 32768% 32769Life -- Love It or Leave It. 32770% 32771Life begins at the centerfold and expands outward. 32772 -- Miss November, 1966 32773% 32774Life being what it is, one dreams of revenge. 32775 -- Paul Gauguin 32776% 32777Life can be so tragic -- you're here today and here tomorrow. 32778% 32779Life does not begin at the moment of conception or the moment of birth. 32780It begins when the kids leave home and the dog dies. 32781% 32782Life exists for no known purpose. 32783% 32784Life in this society being, at best, an utter bore and no aspect of society 32785being at all relevant to women, there remains to civic-minded responsible 32786thrill-seeking females only to overthrow the government, eliminate the money 32787system, institute complete automation and destroy the male sex. 32788 -- Valerie Solanas 32789% 32790Life is a biochemical reaction to the stimulus of the surrounding 32791environment in a stable ecosphere, while a bowl of cherries is a 32792round container filled with little red fruits on sticks. 32793% 32794Life is a concentration camp. You're stuck here and there's no way 32795out and you can only rage impotently against your persecutors. 32796 -- Woody Allen 32797% 32798Life is a gamble at terrible odds, if it was a bet you wouldn't take it. 32799 -- Tom Stoppard, "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are Dead" 32800% 32801Life is a game. In order to have a game, something has to be more 32802important than something else. If what already is, is more important 32803than what isn't, the game is over. So, life is a game in which what 32804isn't, is more important than what is. Let the good times roll. 32805 -- Werner Erhard 32806% 32807Life is a game of bridge -- and you've just been finessed. 32808% 32809Life is a glorious cycle of song, 32810A medley of extemporania; 32811And love is thing that can never go wrong; 32812And I am Marie of Roumania. 32813 -- Dorothy Parker, "Comment" 32814% 32815Life is a grand adventure -- or it is nothing. 32816 -- Helen Keller 32817% 32818Life is a healthy respect for mother nature laced with greed. 32819% 32820Life is a hospital in which every patient is possessed by the desire to 32821change his bed. 32822 -- Charles Baudelaire 32823% 32824Life is a series of rude awakenings. 32825 -- R. V. Winkle 32826% 32827Life is a serious burden, which no thinking, 32828humane person would wantonly inflict on someone else. 32829 -- Clarence Darrow 32830% 32831Life is a sexually transferred disease with 100% mortality. 32832% 32833Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while. 32834% 32835Life is a yo-yo, and mankind ties knots in the string. 32836% 32837Life is an exciting business, and most 32838exciting when it is lived for others. 32839% 32840Life is both difficult and time consuming. 32841% 32842Life is cheap, but the accessories can kill you. 32843% 32844Life is difficult because it is non-linear. 32845% 32846Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. 32847 -- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall" 32848% 32849Life is fraught with opportunities to keep your mouth shut. 32850% 32851Life is just a bowl of cherries, but why do I always get the pits? 32852% 32853Life is knowing how far to go without crossing the line. 32854% 32855Life is like a 10 speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use. 32856 -- C. Schultz 32857% 32858"Life is like a bowl of soup with hairs floating on it. You have to 32859eat it nevertheless." 32860 -- Flaubert 32861% 32862"Life is like a buffet; it's not good but there's plenty of it." 32863% 32864Life is like a diaper - short and loaded. 32865% 32866Life is like a sewer. 32867What you get out of it depends on what you put into it. 32868 -- Tom Lehrer 32869% 32870Life is like a simile. 32871% 32872Life is like a tin of sardines. 32873We're, all of us, looking for the key. 32874 -- Beyond the Fringe 32875% 32876Life is like an analogy. 32877% 32878Life is like an egg stain on your chin -- 32879you can lick it, but it still won't go away. 32880% 32881Life is like an onion: you peel it off 32882one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep. 32883 -- Carl Sandburg 32884% 32885Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after 32886layer and then you find there is nothing in it. 32887 -- James Huneker 32888% 32889Life is like arriving late for a movie, having to figure out what was 32890going on without bothering everybody with a lot of questions, and then 32891being unexpectedly called away before you find out how it ends. 32892% 32893Life is like bein' on a mule team. Unless you're 32894the lead mule, all the scenery looks about the same. 32895% 32896Life is not for everyone. 32897% 32898Life is one long struggle in the dark. 32899 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 32900% 32901Life is the childhood of our immortality. 32902 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 32903% 32904Life is the living you do, 32905Death is the living you don't do. 32906 -- Joseph Pintauro 32907% 32908Life is the urge to ecstasy. 32909% 32910Life is to you a dashing and bold adventure. 32911% 32912"Life is too important to take seriously." 32913 -- Corky Siegel 32914% 32915Life is too short to be taken seriously. 32916 -- Oscar Wilde 32917% 32918Life is too short to stuff a mushroom. 32919 -- Storm Jameson 32920% 32921Life is wasted on the living. 32922 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the Edge of the Universe" 32923% 32924Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans. 32925 -- John Lennon, "Beautiful Boy" 32926% 32927Life, like beer, is merely borrowed. 32928 -- Don Reed 32929% 32930"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it." 32931 -- Marvin, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 32932% 32933"Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of 32934which I disapprove." 32935% 32936Life may have no meaning, or, even worse, 32937it may have a meaning of which you disapprove. 32938% 32939Life only demands from you the strength you possess. 32940Only one feat is possible -- not to have run away. 32941 -- Dag Hammarskjold 32942% 32943Life Sucks. Cynical, misanthropic male, 34, looking for soul mate but 32944certain not to find her. Drop me a note. I'll call you, we'll talk and 32945I'll ask you out to dinner where I'll probably spend more than I can 32946afford in a feeble attempt to impress you. Then we'll realize we have 32947absolutely nothing in common and we'll go our separate ways, more 32948embittered and depressed than before (if such a thing is possible). 32949% 32950Life sucks, but death doesn't put out at all. 32951 -- Thomas J. Kopp 32952% 32953"Life to you is a bold and dashing responsibility" 32954 -- a Mary Chung's fortune cookie 32955% 32956Life without caffeine is stimulating enough. 32957 -- Sanka Ad 32958% 32959Life would be much simpler and things would get done much faster if it 32960weren't for other people. 32961 -- Blore 32962% 32963Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code. 32964 -- Dave Olson 32965% 32966Life would be tolerable but for its amusements. 32967 -- George Bernard Shaw 32968% 32969Life's too short to dance with ugly women. 32970% 32971Lift every voice and sing 32972Till earth and heaven ring, 32973Ring with the harmonies of Liberty; 32974Let our rejoicing rise 32975High as the listening skies, 32976Let it resound loud as the rolling sea. 32977 32978Sing a song full of the faith that the dark past has taught us. 32979Sing a song full of the hope that the present has bought us. 32980Facing the rising sun of our new day begun, 32981Let us march on till victory is won. 32982 -- James Weldon Johnson 32983% 32984Lighten up, while you still can, 32985Don't even try to understand, 32986Just find a place to make your stand, 32987And take it easy. 32988 -- The Eagles, "Take It Easy" 32989% 32990LIGHTHOUSE: 32991 A tall building on the seashore in which the government 32992 maintains a lamp and the friend of a politician. 32993% 32994LIKE: 32995 When being alive at the same time is a wonderful coincidence. 32996% 32997Like all young men, you greatly exaggerate 32998the difference between one young woman and another. 32999 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Major Barbara" 33000% 33001Like an expensive sports car, fine-tuned and well-built, Portia was sleek, 33002shapely, and gorgeous, her red jumpsuit moulding her body, which was as warm 33003as seatcovers in July, her hair as dark as new tires, her eyes flashing like 33004bright hubcaps, and her lips as dewy as the beads of fresh rain on the hood; 33005she was a woman driven -- fueled by a single accelerant -- and she needed a 33006man, a man who wouldn't shift from his views, a man to steer her along the 33007right road: a man like Alf Romeo. 33008 -- Rachel Sheeley, winner 33009 33010The hair ball blocking the drain of the shower reminded Laura she would never 33011see her little dog Pritzi again. 33012 -- Claudia Fields, runner-up 33013 33014It could have been an organically based disturbance of the brain -- perhaps a 33015tumor or a metabolic deficiency -- but after a thorough neurological exam it 33016was determined that Byron was simply a jerk. 33017 -- Jeff Jahnke, runner-up 33018 33019Winners in the 7th Annual Bulwer-Lytton Bad Writing Contest. The contest is 33020named after the author of the immortal lines: "It was a dark and stormy 33021night." The object of the contest is to write the opening sentence of the 33022worst possible novel. 33023% 33024Like corn in a field I cut you down, 33025I threw the last punch way too hard, 33026After years of going steady, well, I thought it was time, 33027To throw in my hand for a new set of cards. 33028And I can't take you dancing out on the weekend, 33029I figured we'd painted too much of this town, 33030And I tried not to look as I walked to my wagon, 33031And I knew then I had lost what should have been found, 33032I knew then I had lost what should have been found. 33033 And I feel like a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford 33034 I'm as low as a paid assassin is 33035 You know I'm cold as a hired sword. 33036 I'm so ashamed we can't patch it up, 33037 You know I can't think straight no more 33038 You make me feel like a bullet, honey, 33039 a bullet in the gun of Robert Ford. 33040 -- Elton John "I Feel Like a Bullet" 33041% 33042Like I said, love wouldn't be so blind if the braille 33043weren't so damned great! 33044 -- Armistead Maupin 33045% 33046Like, if I'm not for me, then fer shure, like who will be? And if, y'know, 33047if I'm not like fer anyone else, then hey, I mean, what am I? And if not 33048now, like I dunno, maybe like when? And if not Who, then I dunno, maybe 33049like the Rolling Stones? 33050 -- Rich Rosen (Rabbi Valiel's paraphrase of famous quote 33051 attributed to Rabbi Hillel.) 33052% 33053Like my parents, I have never been a regular church member or churchgoer. 33054It doesn't seem plausible to me that there is the kind of God who watches 33055over human affairs, listens to prayers, and tries to guide people to follow 33056His precepts -- there is just too much misery and cruelty for that. On the 33057other hand, I respect and envy the people who get inspiration from their 33058religions. 33059 -- Benjamin Spock 33060% 33061Like punning, programming is a play on words. 33062% 33063Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made 33064sense from things she found in gift shops. 33065 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 33066% 33067Like the ski resort of girls looking for husbands and husbands looking 33068for girls, the situation is not as symmetrical as it might seem. 33069 -- Alan McKay 33070% 33071Like the time I ran away... 33072And turned around and you were standing close to me. 33073 -- YES, "Going For The One/Awaken" 33074% 33075Like winter snow on summer lawn, time past is time gone. 33076% 33077Like ya know? Rock 'N Roll is an esoteric language that unlocks the 33078creativity chambers in people's brains, and like totally activates their 33079essential hipness, which of course is like totally necessary for saving 33080the earth, like because the first thing in saving this world, is getting 33081rid of stupid and square attitudes and having fun. 33082 -- Senior Year Quote 33083% 33084Like you, I am frequently haunted by profound questions related to man's 33085place in the Scheme of Things. Here are just a few: 33086 33087 Q -- Is there life after death? 33088 A -- Definitely. I speak from personal experience here. On New 33089Year's Eve, 1970, I drank a full pitcher of a drink called "Black Russian", 33090then crawled out on the lawn and died within a matter of minutes, which was 33091fine with me because I had come to realize that if I had lived I would have 33092spent the rest of my life in the grip of the most excruciatingly painful 33093headache. Thanks to the miracle of modern orange juice, I was brought back 33094to life several days later, but in the interim I was definitely dead. I 33095guess my main impression of the afterlife is that it isn't so bad as long 33096as you keep the television turned down and don't try to eat any solid foods. 33097 -- Dave Barry 33098% 33099Likewise, the national appetizer, brine-cured herring with raw onions, 33100wins few friends, Germans excepted. 33101 -- Darwin Porter, "Scandinavia On $50 A Day" 33102% 33103Limericks are art forms complex, 33104Their topics run chiefly to sex. 33105 They usually have virgins, 33106 And masculine urgin's, 33107And other erotic effects. 33108% 33109Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846. 33110Kennedy exactly one hundred years later in 1946. 33111 33112Lincoln was elected president in November 1860. 33113Kennedy in November 1960. 33114 33115Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy who urged him not to go to 33116the theatre. 33117Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln who advised against his going 33118to Dallas. 33119 33120Booth shot Lincoln in a theatre and ran off into a warehouse. 33121Oswald shot Kennedy from a warehouse and ran off into a theatre. 33122 33123Lincoln was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson. 33124Kennedy was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson. 33125 33126The first Johnson was born in 1808. 33127The second Johnson was born in 1908. 33128 33129 -- Alistair Cooke, "Letter From America", 26nov2001 33130% 33131Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations. 33132% 33133"Lines that are parallel meet at Infinity!" 33134Euclid repeatedly, heatedly, urged. 33135 33136Until he died, and so reached that vicinity: 33137in it he found that the damned things diverged. 33138 -- Piet Hein 33139% 33140Linus: Hi! I thought it was you. 33141 I've been watching you from way off... You're looking great! 33142Snoopy: That's nice to know. 33143 The secret of life is to look good at a distance. 33144% 33145Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe 33146 we should think only about today. 33147Charlie Brown: 33148 No, that's giving up. I'm still hoping that yesterday will get 33149 better. 33150% 33151Linus' Law: 33152 There is no heavier burden than a great potential. 33153% 33154Lions in the street and roaming, 33155Dogs in heat, rabid, foaming, 33156A beast caged in the heart of the city. 33157The body of his mother lying in the summer ground, 33158He fled the town. 33159Went down south across the border, 33160Left the chaos and disorder 33161Back there, over his shoulder. 33162One morning he awoke in a green hotel, 33163A strange creature groaning beside him. 33164Sweat oozed from its shiny skin. 33165Is everybody in? The ceremony is about to begin. 33166 -- Jim Morrison, "Celebration of the Lizard" 33167% 33168LISP: 33169 To call a spade a thpade. 33170% 33171Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine, 33172Lisp Machine is Fun. 33173Lisp, Lisp, Lisp Machine, 33174Fun for everyone. 33175% 33176Lisp Users: 33177Due to the holiday next Monday, there will be no garbage collection. 33178% 33179Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find out 33180the right thing to do. Now, it is not only necessary to do the right thing, 33181but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the 33182right thing to do and what is the right way to do it. That is the problem. 33183But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion of 33184bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President. 33185This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people, and it reflects 33186their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a thing 33187that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously 33188just by a few words or any particular -- say, a little this and that, or even 33189a panacea so alleged. 33190 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, in response to: "Has the government 33191 been lacking in courage and boldness in facing up to 33192 the recession?" 33193% 33194Literature is mostly about having sex and not much about having children. 33195Life is the other way around. 33196 -- David Lodge 33197% 33198Literature is mostly about sex and not much about having children and life 33199is the other way round. 33200 -- David Lodge, "The British Museum is Falling Down" 33201% 33202Littering is dumb. 33203 -- Ronald Macdonald 33204% 33205Little Fly, 33206Thy summer's play If thought is life 33207My thoughtless hand And strength & breath, 33208Has brush'd away. And the want 33209 Of thought is death, 33210Am not I 33211A fly like thee? Then am I 33212Or art not thou A happy fly 33213A man like me? If I live 33214 Or if I die. 33215 33216For I dance 33217And drink & sing, 33218Till some blind hand 33219Shall brush my wing. 33220 -- William Blake, "The Fly" 33221% 33222Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse. 33223 -- Lazarus Long 33224% 33225Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very 33226sophisticated computer network! It was a Tolkien Ring... 33227% 33228Little Known Facts, #23: 33229 Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get 33230 the BMW repair garage? 33231% 33232Little Mary on the ice, 33233Went out to have a frisk, 33234Now wasn't little Mary nice, 33235Her pretty *? 33236% 33237Live fast, die young, and leave a flat patch of fur on the highway! 33238 -- The Squirrels' Motto (The "Hell's Angels of Nature") 33239% 33240Live fast, die young, and leave a good looking corpse. 33241 -- James Dean 33242% 33243Live from New York ... It's Saturday Night! 33244% 33245Live in a world of your own, but always welcome visitors. 33246% 33247Live never to be ashamed if anything you do or say is 33248published around the world -- even if what is published is not true. 33249 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul 33250% 33251Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. 33252 -- Josh Billings 33253% 33254Living here in Rio, I have lots of coffees to choose from. And when 33255you're on the lam like me, you appreciate a good cup of coffee. 33256 -- "Great Train Robber" Ronald Biggs' coffee commercial 33257% 33258Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola. 33259What ain't flakes and nuts is fruits. 33260% 33261Living in LA is like not having a date on Saturday night. 33262 -- Candice Bergen 33263% 33264Living in New York City gives people real incentives 33265to want things that nobody else wants. 33266 -- Andy Warhol 33267% 33268Living in the complex world of the future is somewhat 33269like having bees live in your head. But, there they are. 33270% 33271Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip 33272around the Sun. 33273% 33274LIVING YOUR LIFE: 33275 A task so difficult, it has never been attempted before. 33276% 33277Living your life is a task so difficult, it has never been attempted 33278before. 33279% 33280Lizzie Borden took an axe, 33281And plunged it deep into the VAX; 33282Don't you envy people who 33283Do all the things ___YOU want to do? 33284% 33285Lo! Men have become the tool of their tools. 33286 -- Henry David Thoreau 33287% 33288Loan-department manager: "There isn't any fine print. At these 33289interest rates, we don't need it." 33290% 33291Lobster: 33292 Everyone loves these delectable crustaceans, but many cooks are 33293squeamish about placing them into boiling water alive, which is the 33294only proper method of preparing them. Frankly, the easiest way to 33295eliminate your guilt is to establish theirs by putting them on trial 33296before they're cooked. The fact is, lobsters are among the most 33297ferocious predators on the sea floor, and you're helping reduce crime 33298in the reefs. Grasp the lobster behind the head, look it right in its 33299unmistakably guilty eyestalks and say, "Where were you on the night of 33300the 21st?", then flourish a picture of a scallop or a sole and shout, 33301"Perhaps this will refresh that crude neural apparatus you call a 33302memory!" The lobster will squirm noticeably. It may even take a swipe 33303at you with one of its claws. Incorrigible. Pop it into the pot. 33304Justice has been served, and shortly you and your friends will be, 33305too. 33306 -- Dave Barry, "Cooking: The Art of Using Appliances and 33307 Utensils into Excuses and Apologies" 33308% 33309Lockwood's Long Shot: 33310 The chances of getting eaten up by a lion on Main Street aren't 33311one in a million, but once would be enough. 33312% 33313Logic doesn't apply to the real world. 33314 -- Marvin Minsky 33315% 33316Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____awful*. 33317% 33318Logic is a pretty flower that smells bad. 33319% 33320Logic is a systematic method of coming 33321to the wrong conclusion with confidence. 33322% 33323Logic is the chastity belt of the mind! 33324% 33325Logicians have but ill defined 33326As rational the human kind. 33327Logic, they say, belongs to man, 33328But let them prove it if they can. 33329 -- Oliver Goldsmith 33330% 33331LOGO for the Dead 33332 33333LOGO for the Dead lets you continue your computing activities from 33334"The Other Side." 33335 33336The package includes a unique telecommunications feature which lets you 33337turn your TRS-80 into an electronic Ouija board. Then, using Logo's 33338graphics capabilities, you can work with a friend or relative on this 33339side of the Great Beyond to write programs. The software requires that 33340your body be hardwired to an analog-to-digital converter, which is then 33341interfaced to your computer. A special terminal (very terminal) program 33342lets you talk with the users through Deadnet, an EBBS (Ectoplasmic 33343Bulletin Board System). 33344 33345LOGO for the Dead is available for 10 percent of your estate 33346from NecroSoft inc., 6502 Charnelhouse Blvd., Cleveland, OH 44101. 33347 -- '80 Microcomputing 33348% 33349Loneliness is a terrible price to pay for independence. 33350% 33351Lonely is a man without love. 33352 -- Engelbert Humperdinck 33353% 33354Lonely men seek companionship. 33355Lonely women sit at home and wait. They never meet. 33356% 33357Lonesome? 33358 33359Like a change? 33360Like a new job? 33361Like excitement? 33362Like to meet new and interesting people? 33363 33364JUST SCREW-UP ONE MORE TIME!!!!!!! 33365% 33366Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency 33367be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum. 33368The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young. 33369 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe" 33370% 33371Long computations which yield zero are probably all for naught. 33372% 33373Long life is in store for you. 33374% 33375Long were the days of pain I have spent within its walls, and 33376long were the nights of aloneness; and who can depart from his 33377pain and his aloneness without regret? 33378 -- Kahlil Gibran, "The Prophet" 33379% 33380Look! Before our very eyes, the future is becoming the past. 33381% 33382Look afar and see the end from the beginning. 33383% 33384Look at it this way: 33385Your daughter just named the fresh turkey you brought 33386home "Cuddles", so you're going out to buy a canned ham. 33387And you're still drinking ordinary scotch? 33388% 33389Look at it this way: 33390Your wife's spending $280 a month on meditation lessons to 33391forget $26,000 of college education. 33392And you're still drinking ordinary scotch? 33393% 33394Look before you leap. 33395 -- Samuel Butler 33396% 33397Look ere ye leap. 33398 -- John Heywood 33399% 33400Look out! Behind you! 33401% 33402Look, we play the Star Spangled Banner before every game. You want us 33403to pay income taxes, too? 33404 -- Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox 33405% 33406Look, we trade every day out there with hustlers, deal-makers, shysters, 33407con-men. That's the way businesses get started. That's the way this 33408country was built. 33409 -- Hubert Allen 33410% 33411Lookie, lookie, here comes cookie... 33412 -- Stephen Sondheim 33413% 33414Loose bits sink chips. 33415% 33416Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies. 33417 -- Charles D'Hericault 33418% 33419Lord, what fools these mortals be! 33420 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer-Night's Dream" 33421% 33422Losing your drivers' license is just God's way of saying 33423"BOOGA, BOOGA!" 33424% 33425Lost: gray and white female cat. 33426Answers to electric can opener. 33427% 33428Lost interest? It's so bad I've lost apathy. 33429% 33430Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't. 33431% 33432Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny. 33433 -- Frank Hubbard 33434% 33435Lots of girls can be had for a song. 33436Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march. 33437% 33438Loud burping while walking around the airport is prohibited in 33439Halstead, Kansas. 33440% 33441Louie Louie, me gotta go 33442Louie Louie, me gotta go 33443 33444Fine little girl she waits for me 33445Me catch the ship for cross the sea 33446Me sail the ship all alone Three nights and days me sail the sea 33447Me never thinks me make it home Me think of girl constantly 33448(chorus) On the ship I dream she there 33449 I smell the rose in her hair 33450Me see Jamaica moon above (chorus, guitar solo) 33451It won't be long, me see my love 33452I take her in my arms and then 33453Me tell her I never leave again 33454 -- The real words to The Kingsmen's classic "Louie Louie" 33455% 33456LOVE: 33457 I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours. 33458% 33459LOVE: 33460 Love ties in a knot in the end of the rope. 33461% 33462LOVE: 33463 When, if asked to choose between your lover 33464 and happiness, you'd skip happiness in a heartbeat. 33465% 33466LOVE: 33467 When it's growing, you don't mind watering it with a few tears. 33468% 33469LOVE: 33470 When you don't want someone too close-- 33471 because you're very sensitive to pleasure. 33472% 33473LOVE: 33474 When you like to think of someone on days that begin with a morning. 33475% 33476Love -- the last of the serious diseases of childhood. 33477% 33478Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled. 33479% 33480Love America - or give it back. 33481% 33482Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea. 33483% 33484Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the 33485world has ever seen. 33486% 33487Love cannot be much younger than the lust for murder. 33488 -- Sigmund Freud 33489% 33490Love conquers all things; let us too surrender to love. 33491 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 33492% 33493Love in your heart wasn't put there to stay. 33494Love isn't love 'til you give it away. 33495 -- Oscar Hammerstein II 33496% 33497Love is a grave mental disease. 33498 -- Plato 33499% 33500Love is a slippery eel that bites like hell. 33501 -- Matt Groening 33502% 33503"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it 33504flips over, pinning you underneath. At night, the ice weasels come." 33505 -- Matt Groening, "Love is Hell" 33506% 33507Love is a word that is constantly heard, 33508Hate is a word that is not. 33509Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. 33510Love, I have read, is hot. 33511But hate is the verb that to me is superb, 33512And Love but a drug on the mart. 33513Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, 33514But Hating, my boy, is an Art. 33515 -- Ogden Nash 33516% 33517Love is always open arms. With arms open you allow love to come and 33518go as it wills, freely, for it will do so anyway. If you close your 33519arms about love you'll find you are left only holding yourself. 33520% 33521"Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real 33522with the ideal never goes unpunished." 33523 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 33524% 33525Love is an obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage. 33526 -- Dr. Karl Bowman 33527% 33528Love is being stupid together. 33529 -- Paul Valery 33530% 33531Love is dope, not chicken soup. I mean, love is something to be passed 33532around freely, not spooned down someone's throat for their own good by a 33533Jewish mother who cooked it all by herself. 33534% 33535Love is in the offing. 33536 -- The Homicidal Maniac 33537% 33538Love is in the offing. Be affectionate to one who adores you. 33539% 33540Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very 33541pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love 33542grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning 33543and unquenchable. 33544 -- Bruce Lee 33545% 33546Love is like the measles; we all have to go through it. 33547 -- Jerome K. Jerome 33548% 33549Love is never asking why? 33550% 33551Love is not enough, but it sure helps. 33552% 33553Love is sentimental measles. 33554% 33555Love is staying up all night with a sick child, or a healthy adult. 33556% 33557Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex 33558raises some pretty good questions. 33559 -- Woody Allen 33560% 33561Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. 33562 -- H. L. Mencken 33563% 33564Love is the desire to prostitute oneself. There is, indeed, no exalted 33565pleasure that cannot be related to prostitution. 33566 -- Charles Baudelaire 33567% 33568Love is the only game that is not called on account of darkness. 33569 -- M. Hirschfield 33570% 33571Love is the process of my leading you gently back to yourself. 33572 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 33573% 33574Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. 33575 -- H. L. Mencken 33576% 33577Love IS what it's cracked up to be. 33578% 33579Love is what you've been through with somebody. 33580 -- James Thurber 33581% 33582Love isn't only blind, it's also deaf, dumb, and stupid. 33583% 33584Love makes fools, marriage cuckolds, and patriotism malevolent imbeciles. 33585 -- Paul Leautaud, "Passe-temps" 33586% 33587Love makes the world go 'round, with a little help from intrinsic angular 33588momentum. 33589% 33590Love may laugh at locksmiths, but he has a profound respect for money bags. 33591 -- Sidney Paternoster, "The Folly of the Wise" 33592% 33593Love means having to say you're sorry every five minutes. 33594% 33595Love means never having to say you're sorry. 33596 -- Eric Segal, "Love Story" 33597 33598That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. 33599 -- Ryan O'Neill, "What's Up Doc?" 33600% 33601Love means nothing to a tennis player. 33602% 33603Love tells us many things that are not so. 33604 -- Krainian proverb 33605% 33606Love the sea? I dote upon it -- from the beach. 33607% 33608Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood. 33609 -- Louise Beal 33610% 33611Love thy neighbor, tune thy piano. 33612% 33613Love to eat them mousies, 33614Mousies I love to eat. 33615Bite they little heads off, 33616Nibble at they tiny feet. 33617 -- Kliban 33618% 33619Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart, 33620 seized this one for the fair form 33621 that was taken from me-and the way of it afflicts me still. 33622Love, which absolves no loved one from loving, 33623 seized me so strongly with delight in him, 33624 that, as you see, it does not leave me even now. 33625Love brought us to one death. 33626 -- La Divina Commedia: Inferno V, vv. 100-06 33627% 33628Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up 33629to. 33630% 33631Love your neighbour, yet don't pull down your hedge. 33632 -- Benjamin Franklin 33633% 33634Lowery's Law: 33635 If it jams -- force it. 33636 If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway. 33637% 33638LSD melts in your mind, not in your hand. 33639% 33640Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology: 33641 There's always one more bug. 33642% 33643Lucas is the source of many of the components of the legendarily reliable 33644British automotive electrical systems. Professionals call the company "The 33645Prince of Darkness". Of course, if Lucas were to design and manufacture 33646nuclear weapons, World War III would never get off the ground. The British 33647don't like warm beer any more than the Americans do. The British drink warm 33648beer because they have Lucas refrigerators. 33649% 33650Luck can't last a lifetime, unless you die young. 33651 -- Russell Banks 33652% 33653Luck, that's when preparation and opportunity meet. 33654 -- P. E. Trudeau 33655% 33656Lucky, adj: 33657 When you have a wife and a cigarette 33658 lighter -- both of which work. 33659% 33660Lucky is he for whom the belle toils. 33661% 33662Lucy: Dance, dance, dance. That is all you ever do. 33663 Can't you be serious for once? 33664Snoopy: She is right! I think I had better think 33665 of the more important things in life! 33666 (pause) 33667 Tomorrow!! 33668% 33669Luke, I'm yer father, eh. Come over to the dark side, you hoser. 33670 -- Dave Thomas, "Strange Brew" 33671% 33672Lunatic Asylum, n.: 33673 The place where optimism most flourishes. 33674% 33675Lying is an indispensable part of making life tolerable. 33676 -- Bergan Evans 33677% 33678Lysistrata had a good idea. 33679% 33680Ma Bell is a mean mother! 33681% 33682MAC user's dynamic debugging list evaluator? Never heard of that. 33683% 33684"MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into 33685the smallest amount of thoughts." 33686 -- Winston Churchill 33687% 33688"Mach was the greatest intellectual fraud in the last ten years." 33689"What about X?" 33690"I said `intellectual'." 33691 ;login, 9/1990 33692% 33693Machine-Independent, adj.: 33694 Does not run on any existing machine. 33695% 33696Machine-independent program: 33697 A program that will not run on any machine. 33698% 33699Machines certainly can solve problems, store information, correlate, 33700and play games -- but not with pleasure. 33701 -- Leo Rosten 33702% 33703Machines have less problems. I'd like to be a machine. 33704 -- Andy Warhol 33705% 33706Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the 33707repairman arrives. 33708% 33709macho, adj.: 33710 Jogging home from your vasectomy. 33711% 33712Macho does not prove mucho. 33713 -- Zsa Zsa Gabor 33714% 33715Mad, adj.: 33716 Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence. 33717 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 33718% 33719Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them 33720first for seven hours, they always come out tender. 33721 -- W. C. Fields 33722% 33723Madison's Inquiry: 33724 If you have to travel on the Titanic, why not go first class? 33725% 33726Madness takes its toll. 33727% 33728MAFIA, n: 33729 [Acronym for Mechanized Applications in Forced Insurance 33730Accounting.] An extensive network with many on-line and offshore 33731subsystems running under OS, DOS, and IOS. MAFIA documentation is 33732rather scanty, and the MAFIA sales office exhibits that testy 33733reluctance to bona fide inquiries which is the hallmark of so many DP 33734operations. From the little that has seeped out, it would appear that 33735MAFIA operates under a non-standard protocol, OMERTA, a tight-lipped 33736variant of SNA, in which extended handshakes also perform complex 33737security functions. The known timesharing aspects of MAFIA point to a 33738more than usually autocratic operating system. Screen prompts carry an 33739imperative, nonrefusable weighting (most menus offer simple YES/YES 33740options, defaulting to YES) that precludes indifference or delay. 33741Uniquely, all editing under MAFIA is performed centrally, using a 33742powerful rubout feature capable of erasing files, filors, filees, and 33743entire nodal aggravations. 33744 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 33745% 33746Magary's Principle: 33747 When there is a public outcry to cut deadwood and fat from any 33748 government bureaucracy, it is the deadwood and the fat that do 33749 the cutting, and the public's services are cut. 33750% 33751Magic is always the best solution -- especially reliable magic. 33752% 33753Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism 33754 33755Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet. 33756 33757The two definitions immediately foregoing are condensed from the works 33758of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the subject 33759with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of human 33760knowledge. 33761 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 33762% 33763Magnocartic, adj.: 33764 Any automobile that, when left unattended, attracts shopping 33765carts. 33766 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 33767% 33768Magpie, n.: 33769 A bird whose thievish disposition suggested 33770 to someone that it might be taught to talk. 33771 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 33772% 33773MAIDEN AUNT: 33774 A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle." 33775% 33776Maiden, n: 33777 A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and 33778 views that madden to crime. The genus has a wide geographical 33779 distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found. 33780 The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her 33781 piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to 33782 comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to 33783 the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the 33784 canary -- which, also, is more portable. 33785 33786Male, n.: 33787 A member of the unconsidered, or negligible sex. The male of the 33788 human race is commonly known to the female as Mere Man. The genus 33789 has two varieties: good providers and bad providers. 33790 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 33791% 33792Maier's Law: 33793 If the facts do not conform to the theory, they must be disposed 33794 of. 33795 -- N. R. Maier, "American Psychologist", March 1960 33796 33797Corollaries: 33798 (1) The bigger the theory, the better. 33799 (2) The experiment may be considered a success if no more than 33800 50% of the observed measurements must be discarded to 33801 obtain a correspondence with the theory. 33802% 33803Main's Law: 33804 For every action there is an equal and opposite government 33805program. 33806% 33807Maintainer's Motto: 33808 If we can't fix it, it ain't broke. 33809% 33810Maj. Bloodnok: Seagoon, you're a coward! 33811Seagoon: Only in the holiday season. 33812Maj. Bloodnok: Ah, another Noel Coward! 33813% 33814Major premise: 33815 Sixty men can do sixty times as much work as one man. 33816Minor premise: 33817 A man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. 33818Conclusion: 33819 Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. 33820 33821Secondary Conclusion: 33822 Do you realize how many holes there would be if people 33823 would just take the time to take the dirt out of them? 33824% 33825Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as quickly 33826 as one man. 33827 33828Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds. 33829 33830Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second. 33831 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 33832% 33833Majorities, of course, start with minorities. 33834 -- Robert Moses 33835% 33836Majority, n.: 33837 That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law. 33838% 33839Make a wish, it might come true. 33840% 33841Make headway at work. Continue to let things deteriorate at home. 33842% 33843Make it myself? But I'm a physical organic chemist! 33844% 33845Make it right before you make it faster. 33846% 33847Make no little plans; they have no magic to stir men's blood. 33848 -- Daniel Hudson Burnham 33849% 33850Make sure your code does nothing gracefully. 33851% 33852Make war not sex. (It's safer.) 33853% 33854Making files is easy under the UNIX operating system. Therefore, users 33855tend to create numerous files using large amounts of file space. It 33856has been said that the only standard thing about all UNIX systems is 33857the message-of-the-day telling users to clean up their files. 33858 -- System V.2 administrator's guide 33859% 33860Malek's Law: 33861 Any simple idea will be worded in the most complicated way. 33862% 33863MALPRACTICE: 33864 The reason surgeons wear masks. 33865% 33866MAN: 33867 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he 33868 is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief 33869 occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, 33870 which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest 33871 the whole habitable earth and Canada. 33872 -- Ambrose Bierce 33873% 33874Man 1: Ask me. "What is the most important thing about telling a good 33875 joke?" 33876 33877Man 2: OK, what is the most impo -- 33878 33879Man 1: ______TIMING! 33880% 33881Man and wife make one fool. 33882% 33883Man belongs wherever he wants to go. 33884 -- Wernher von Braun 33885% 33886Man has always assumed that he is more intelligent than dolphins because 33887he has achieved so much -- the wheel, New York, wars and so on -- while 33888all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good 33889time. But, conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were 33890far more intelligent than man -- for precisely the same reasons. 33891 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 33892% 33893Man has made his bedlam; let him lie in it. 33894 -- Fred Allen 33895% 33896Man has never reconciled himself to the ten commandments. 33897% 33898"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain." 33899 -- Lily Tomlin 33900% 33901Man is a military animal, 33902Glories in gunpowder, and loves parade. 33903 -- P. J. Bailey 33904% 33905Man is a rational animal who always loses his temper when he is called 33906upon to act in accordance with the dictates of reason. 33907 -- Oscar Wilde 33908% 33909Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this-- 33910no dog exchanges bones with another. 33911 -- Adam Smith 33912% 33913Man is by nature a political animal. 33914 -- Aristotle 33915% 33916Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the 33917only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. 33918 -- Wernher von Braun 33919% 33920Man is the measure of all things. 33921 -- Protagoras 33922% 33923Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to. 33924 -- Mark Twain 33925% 33926Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the 33927victims he intends to eat until he eats them. 33928 -- Samuel Butler (1835-1902) 33929% 33930Man is the only animal that laughs and weeps; 33931for he is the only animal that is struck with the 33932difference between what things are and what they ought to be. 33933 -- William Hazlitt 33934% 33935Man must shape his tools lest they shape him. 33936 -- Arthur R. Miller 33937% 33938Man, n.: 33939 An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks 33940he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief 33941occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which, 33942however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole 33943habitable earth and Canada. 33944 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 33945% 33946Man proposes, God disposes. 33947 -- Thomas a Kempis 33948% 33949Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it 33950is an enemy. 33951 -- Albert Einstein 33952% 33953Man who arrives at party two hours late 33954will find he has been beaten to the punch. 33955% 33956Man who falls in blast furnace is certain to feel overwrought. 33957% 33958Man who falls in vat of molten optical glass makes spectacle of self. 33959% 33960Man who sleep in beer keg wake up sticky. 33961% 33962Man will never fly. 33963Space travel is merely a dream. 33964All aspirin is alike. 33965% 33966Management: How many feet do mice have? 33967Reply: Mice have four feet. 33968M: Elaborate! 33969R: Mice have five appendages, and four of them are feet. 33970M: No discussion of fifth appendage! 33971R: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet; one is a tail. 33972M: What? Feet with no legs? 33973R: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per unit-mouse. 33974M: Confusing -- is that a total of 9 appendages? 33975R: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail assembly per body. 33976M: Does not fully discuss the issue! 33977R: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg 33978 is equipped with a foot at the end opposite the body; the tail 33979 is not equipped with a foot. 33980M: Descriptive? Yes. Forceful NO! 33981R: Allotment of appendages for mice will be: Four foot-leg assemblies, 33982 one tail. Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would 33983 constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets. 33984M: Too authoritarian; stifles creativity! 33985R: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined 33986 integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also 33987 attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non-functional and 33988 ornamental in nature. 33989M: Too verbose/scientific. Answer the question! 33990R: Mice have four feet. 33991% 33992MANAGEMENT: 33993 The art of getting other people to do all the work. 33994% 33995MANAGER: 33996 A man known for giving great meeting. 33997% 33998Mandrell: "You know what I think?" 33999Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you 34000 don't think, right?" 34001 -- Doctor Who 34002% 34003man-hour, n: 34004 A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings. 34005% 34006MANIC-DEPRESSIVE: 34007 Easy glum, easy glow. 34008% 34009Mankind is poised midway between the gods and the beasts. 34010 -- Plotinus 34011% 34012Mankind's yearning to engage in sports is older than recorded history, 34013dating back to the time millions of years ago, when the first primitive 34014man picked up a crude club and a round rock, tossed the rock into the 34015air, and whomped the club into the sloping forehead of the first 34016primitive umpire. 34017 34018What inner force drove this first athlete? Your guess is as good as 34019mine. Better, probably, because you haven't had four beers. 34020 -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" 34021% 34022Manly's Maxim: 34023 Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion 34024 with confidence. 34025% 34026Man's horizons are bounded by his vision. 34027% 34028Man's reach must exceed his grasp, for why else the heavens? 34029% 34030Man's unique agony as a species consists in his perpetual 34031conflict between the desire to stand out and the need to blend in. 34032 -- Sydney J. Harris 34033% 34034Manual, n.: 34035 A unit of documentation. There are always three or more on a 34036given item. One is on the shelf; someone has the others. The 34037information you need is in the others. 34038 -- Ray Simard 34039% 34040Many a bum show has been saved by the flag. 34041 -- George M. Cohan 34042% 34043Many a family tree needs trimming. 34044% 34045Many a long dispute between divines may thus be abridged: It is so. It 34046is not so. It is so. It is not so. 34047 -- Benjamin Franklin, "Poor Richard's Almanack" 34048% 34049Many a man that can't direct you to a corner drugstore will 34050get a respectful hearing when age has further impaired his mind. 34051 -- Finley Peter Dunne 34052% 34053Many a town that didn't have enough work to support a single lawyer 34054can easily support two or more. 34055% 34056Many a writer seems to think he is never profound 34057except when he can't understand his own meaning. 34058 -- George D. Prentice 34059% 34060Many are called, few are chosen. 34061Fewer still get to do the choosing. 34062% 34063Many are called, few volunteer. 34064% 34065Many are cold, but few are frozen. 34066% 34067Many changes of mind and mood; do not hesitate too long. 34068% 34069Many companies that have made themselves dependent on [the equipment of a 34070certain major manufacturer] (and in doing so have sold their soul to the 34071devil) will collapse under the sheer weight of the unmastered complexity of 34072their data processing systems. 34073 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 34074% 34075Many enraged psychiatrists are inciting a weary butcher. The butcher is 34076weary and tired because he has cut meat and steak and lamb for hours and 34077weeks. He does not desire to chant about anything with raving psychiatrists, 34078but he sings about his gingivectomist, he dreams about a single cosmologist, 34079he thinks about his dog. The dog is named Herbert. 34080 -- Racter, "The Policeman's Beard is Half-Constructed" 34081% 34082Many hands make light work. 34083 -- John Heywood 34084% 34085Many husbands go broke on the money their wives save on sales. 34086% 34087Many mental processes admit of being roughly measured. For instance, 34088the degree to which people are bored, by counting the number of their 34089fidgets. I not infrequently tried this method at the meetings of the 34090Royal Geographical Society, for even there dull memoirs are occasionally 34091read. [...] The use of a watch attracts attention, so I reckon time 34092by the number of my breathings, of which there are 15 in a minute. They 34093are not counted mentally, but are punctuated by pressing with 15 fingers 34094successively. The counting is reserved for the fidgets. These observations 34095should be confined to persons of middle age. Children are rarely still, 34096while elderly philosophers will sometimes remain rigid for minutes altogether. 34097 -- Francis Galton, 1909 34098% 34099Many of the characters are fools and they are always playing 34100tricks on me and treating me badly. 34101 -- Jorge Luis Borges, from "Writers on Writing" by Jon Winokur 34102% 34103Many of the convicted thieves Parker has met began their 34104life of crime after taking college Computer Science courses. 34105 -- Roger Rapoport, "Programs for Plunder", Omni, March 1981 34106% 34107Many pages make a thick book. 34108% 34109Many pages make a thick book, except for pocket Bibles which are on very 34110very thin paper. 34111% 34112Many people are desperately looking for some wise advice 34113which will recommend that they do what they want to do. 34114% 34115Many people are secretly interested in life. 34116% 34117Many people are unenthusiastic about their work. 34118% 34119Many people are unenthusiastic about your work. 34120% 34121Many people feel that if you won't let 34122them make you happy, they'll make you suffer. 34123% 34124Many people feel that they deserve some kind of 34125recognition for all the bad things they haven't done. 34126% 34127Many people resent being treated like the person they really are. 34128% 34129Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do. 34130 -- Bertrand Russell 34131% 34132Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say. 34133% 34134Many receive advice, few profit by it. 34135 -- Publilius Syrus 34136% 34137Many years ago in a period commonly known as Next Friday Afternoon, 34138there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he 34139was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how 34140completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday ... 34141 -- Walt Kelly 34142% 34143Margaret, are you grieving 34144Over Goldengrove unleaving? 34145Leaves, like the things of man, 34146You, with your fresh thoughts 34147Care for, can you? 34148Ah! as the heart grows older 34149It will come to such sights colder 34150By and by, nor spare a sigh 34151Though worlds of wanwood leafmeal lie 34152And yet you will weep and know why. 34153Now no matter, child, the name 34154Sorrow's springs are the same: 34155It is the blight man was born for, 34156It is Margaret you mourn for. 34157 -- Gerard Manley Hopkins 34158% 34159Marigold: Jealousy 34160Mint: Virute 34161Orange blossom: Your purity equals your loveliness 34162Orchid: Beauty, magnificence 34163Pansy: Thoughts 34164Peach blossom: I am your captive 34165Petunia: Your presence soothes me 34166Poppy: Sleep 34167Rose, any color: Love 34168Rose, deep red: Bashful shame 34169Rose, single, pink: Simplicity 34170Rose, thornless, any: Early attachment 34171Rose, white: I am worthy of you 34172Rose, yellow: Decrease of love, rise of jealousy 34173Rosebud, white: Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love 34174Rosemary: Remembrance 34175Sunflower: Haughtiness 34176Tulip, red: Declaration of love 34177Tulip, yellow: Hopeless love 34178Violet, blue: Faithfulness 34179Violet, white: Modesty 34180Zinnia: Thoughts of absent friends 34181 * An upside-down blossom reverses the meaning. 34182% 34183Marijuana is nature's way of saying, "Hi!". 34184% 34185Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students 34186who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize 34187it in order to protect themselves. 34188 -- Lenny Bruce 34189% 34190Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery: 34191 Dentists are incapable of asking questions that require a 34192simple yes or no answer. 34193% 34194MARRIAGE: 34195 An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply 34196 in love and desiring to make a commitment to each other expressing 34197 that love. In short, commitment to an institution. 34198% 34199MARRIAGE: 34200 Convertible bonds. 34201% 34202Marriage always demands the greatest understanding of the art of 34203insincerity possible between two human beings. 34204 -- Vicki Baum 34205% 34206Marriage causes dating problems. 34207% 34208Marriage, in life, is like a duel in the midst of a battle. 34209 -- Edmond About 34210% 34211Marriage is a ghastly public confession of a strictly private intention. 34212% 34213Marriage is a great institution -- but I'm 34214not ready for an institution yet. 34215 -- Mae West 34216% 34217Marriage is a lot like the army, everyone complains, but you'd be 34218surprised at the large number that re-enlist. 34219 -- James Garner 34220% 34221Marriage is a romance in which the hero dies in the first chapter. 34222% 34223Marriage is a three ring circus: 34224engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. 34225 -- Roger Price 34226% 34227Marriage is an institution in which two undertake 34228to become one, and one undertakes to become nothing. 34229% 34230Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of beer 34231exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work 34232in the brewery. 34233 -- George Jean Nathan 34234% 34235Marriage is learning about women the hard way. 34236% 34237Marriage is like twirling a baton, turning handsprings, or eating with 34238chopsticks. It looks easy until you try it. 34239% 34240Marriage is low down, but you spend the rest of your life paying for it. 34241 -- Baskins 34242% 34243Marriage is not merely sharing the fettuccine, but sharing the 34244burden of finding the fettuccine restaurant in the first place. 34245 -- Calvin Trillin 34246% 34247Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly. 34248 -- Voltaire 34249% 34250Marriage is the process of finding out what 34251kind of man your wife would have preferred. 34252% 34253Marriage is the waste-paper basket of the emotions. 34254% 34255Marriage, n: 34256 The evil aye. 34257% 34258Marriages are made in heaven and consummated on earth. 34259 -- John Lyly 34260% 34261Marry in haste and everyone starts counting the months. 34262% 34263MARTA SAYS THE INTERESTING thing about fly-fishing is that its two lives 34264connected by a thin strand. 34265 34266Come on, Marta, grow up. 34267 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. 34268% 34269MARTA WAS WATCHING THE FOOTBALL GAME with me when she said, "You know most 34270of these sports are based on the idea of one group protecting its 34271territory from invasion by another group." 34272 34273"Yeah," I said, trying not to laugh. Girls are funny. 34274 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. 34275% 34276Martin was probably ripping them off. That's some family, isn't it? 34277Incest, prostitution, fanaticism, software. 34278 -- Charles Willeford, "Miami Blues" 34279% 34280'Martyrdom' is the only way a person can become famous without ability. 34281 -- George Bernard Shaw 34282% 34283Marvelous! The super-user's going to boot me! 34284What a finely tuned response to the situation! 34285% 34286Marvin the Nature Lover spied a grasshopper hopping along in the grass, 34287and in a mood for communing with nature, rare even among full-fledged 34288Nature Lovers, he spoke to the grasshopper, saying: "Hello, friend 34289grasshopper. Did you know they've named a drink after you?" 34290 "Really?" replied the grasshopper, obviously pleased. "They've 34291named a drink Fred?" 34292% 34293Marxist Law of Distribution of Wealth: 34294 Shortages will be divided equally among the peasants. 34295% 34296Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow, 34297And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go. 34298It followed her through rain or snow, lightning, sleet or hail. 34299It fetched the evening paper, her slippers, and the mail. 34300She never had a moments peace; the lamb was always on her heels, 34301And on her feet its head would rest, while she ate her meals. 34302It followed her to school one day, the devotion never ended. 34303The lamb waltzed into her history class and Mary got suspended. 34304The night she went to Senior Prom, she thought she had him beat, 34305Until she heard a mournful "Baaa" coming from her car's seat. 34306Oh, Mary had a little lamb, it surely didn't please her. 34307So for dinner she had lambchops; the rest is in the freezer. 34308 -- Alma Garcia 34309% 34310Maryann's Law: 34311 You can always find what you're not looking for. 34312% 34313Maryel brought her bat into Exit once and started whacking people on 34314the dance floor. Now everyone's doing it. It's called grand slam 34315dancing. 34316 -- Ransford, Chicago Reader 10/7/83 34317% 34318Maslow's Maxim: 34319 If the only tool you have is a hammer, 34320 you treat everything like a nail. 34321% 34322Mason's First Law of Synergism: 34323The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut. 34324% 34325Massachusetts has the best politicians money can buy. 34326% 34327Masturbation is the thinking man's television. 34328 -- Christopher Hampton 34329% 34330Mate, this parrot wouldn't VOOM if you put four million volts through it! 34331 -- Monty Python 34332% 34333Mater artium necessitas. 34334 [Necessity is the mother of invention]. 34335% 34336Maternity pay? Now every Tom, Dick and Harry will get pregnant. 34337 -- Malcolm Smith 34338% 34339MATH AND ALCOHOL DON'T MIX! 34340 Please, don't drink and derive. 34341 34342 Mathematicians 34343 Against 34344 Drunk 34345 Deriving 34346% 34347Math is like love -- a simple idea but it can get complicated. 34348 -- R. Drabek 34349% 34350mathematician, n: 34351 Some one who believes imaginary things appear right before your i's. 34352% 34353Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they 34354translate into their own language, and forthwith it is something 34355entirely different. 34356 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 34357% 34358Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is 34359described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can 34360play. 34361 -- Dr. Thor Wald, in "Beep/The Quincunx of Time", by 34362 James Blish 34363% 34364Mathematicians practice absolute freedom. 34365 -- Henry Adams 34366% 34367Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts 34368to each other without consideration of their relation to experience. 34369 -- Albert Einstein 34370% 34371Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what 34372one is talking about nor whether what is said is true. 34373 -- Russell 34374% 34375Mathematics, rightly viewed, possesses not only truth but supreme beauty -- 34376a beauty cold and austere, like that of a sculpture, without appeal to any 34377part of our weaker nature, without the gorgeous trapping of painting or music, 34378yet sublimely pure, and capable of a stern perfection such as only the 34379greatest art can show. The true spirit of delight, the exaltation, the sense 34380of being more than man, which is the touchstone of the highest excellence, is 34381to be found in mathematics as surely as in poetry. 34382 -- Bertrand Russell 34383% 34384Matrimony is the root of all evil. 34385% 34386"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence." 34387% 34388Matter cannot be created or destroyed, nor can it be returned without a 34389receipt. 34390% 34391[Maturity consists in the discovery that] there comes a critical moment 34392where everything is reversed, after which the point becomes to understand 34393more and more that there is something which cannot be understood. 34394 -- S. A. Kierkegaard 34395% 34396Maturity is only a short break in adolescence. 34397 -- Jules Feiffer 34398% 34399Matz's Law: 34400 A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking. 34401% 34402May a hundred thousand midgets invade your home singing cheezy lounge-lizard 34403versions of songs from The Wizard of Oz. 34404% 34405May a Misguided Platypus lay its Eggs in your Jockey Shorts. 34406% 34407May all your PUSHes be POPped. 34408% 34409May Euell Gibbons eat your only copy of the manual! 34410% 34411May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits. 34412% 34413May the Fleas of a Thousand Camels infest one of your Erogenous Zones. 34414% 34415May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits. 34416% 34417May those that love us love us; and those that don't love us, may 34418God turn their hearts; and if he doesn't turn their hearts, may 34419he turn their ankles so we'll know them by their limping. 34420% 34421May you die in bed at 95, shot by a jealous spouse. 34422% 34423May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters. 34424% 34425May you have many handsome and obedient sons. 34426% 34427May you have warm words on a cold evening, 34428a full moon on a dark night, 34429and a smooth road all the way to your door. 34430% 34431May you live in uninteresting times. 34432 -- Chinese proverb 34433% 34434May your camel be as swift as the wind. 34435% 34436May your SO always know when you need a hug. 34437% 34438May your Tongue stick to the Roof of your Mouth with the Force of a 34439Thousand Caramels. 34440% 34441Maybe ain't ain't so correct, but I notice that 34442lots of folks who ain't using ain't ain't eatin' well. 34443 -- Will Rogers 34444% 34445Maybe Computer Science should be in the College of Theology. 34446 -- R. S. Barton 34447% 34448Maybe Jesus was right when he said that the meek shall inherit the 34449earth -- but they inherit very small plots, about six feet by three. 34450 -- Lazarus Long 34451% 34452"Maybe we can get together and show off to each other sometimes." 34453% 34454"Maybe we should think of this as one perfect week... where we found each 34455other, and loved each other... and then let each other go before anyone 34456had to seek professional help." 34457% 34458Maybe you can't buy happiness, but these days you can certainly charge 34459it. 34460% 34461May's Law: 34462 The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density 34463 of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.) 34464% 34465McDonald's -- Because you're worth it. 34466% 34467McEwan's Rule of Relative Importance: 34468 When traveling with a herd of elephants, 34469 don't be the first to lie down and rest. 34470% 34471McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom: 34472 If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not 34473$19.95. 34474% 34475Meader's Law: 34476 Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to 34477everyone you know, only more so. 34478% 34479Meade's Maxim: 34480Always remember that you are absolutely unique, 34481just like everyone else. 34482% 34483Meanehwael, baccat meaddehaele, monstaer lurccen; 34484Fulle few too many drincce, hie luccen for fyht. 34485[D]en Hreorfneorht[d]hwr, son of Hrwaerow[p]heororthwl, 34486AEsccen aewful jeork to steop outsyd. 34487[P]hud! Bashe! Crasch! Beoom! [D]e bigge gye 34488Eallum his bon brak, byt his nose offe; 34489Wicced Godsylla waeld on his asse. 34490Monstaer moppe fleor wy[p] eallum men in haelle. 34491Beowulf in bacceroome fonecall bemaccen waes; 34492Hearen sond of ruccus saed, "Hwaet [d]e helle?" 34493Graben sheold strang ond swich-blaed scharp 34494Sond feorth to fyht [d]e grimlic foe. 34495"Me," Godsylla saed, "mac [d]e minsemete." 34496Heoro cwyc geten heold wi[p] faemed half-nelson 34497Ond flyng him lic frisbe bac to fen. 34498Beowulf belly up to meaddehaele bar, 34499Saed, "Ne foe beaten mie faersom cung-fu." 34500Eorderen cocca-colha yce-coeld, [d]e reol [p]yng. 34501% 34502Meantime, in the slums below Ronnie's Ranch, Cynthia feels as if some one 34503has made voodoo boxen of her and her favorite backplanes. On this fine 34504moonlit night, some horrible persona has been jabbing away at, dragging 34505magnets over, and surging these voodoo boxen. Fortunately, they seem to 34506have gotten a bit bored and fallen asleep, for it looks like Cynthia may 34507get to go home. However, she has made note to quickly put together a totem 34508of sweaty, sordid static straps, random bits of wire, flecks of once meaningful 34509oxide, bus grant cards, gummy worms, and some bits of old pdp backplane to 34510hang above the machine room. This totem must be blessed by the old and wise 34511venerable god of unibus at once, before the idolatization of vme, q and pc 34512bus drive him to bitter revenge. Alas, if this fails, and the voodoo boxen 34513aren't destroyed, there may be more than worms in the apple. Next, the 34514arrival of voodoo optico transmitigational magneto killer paramecium, capable 34515of teleporting from cable to cable, screen to screen, ear to ear and hoof 34516to mouth... 34517% 34518Measure twice, cut once. 34519% 34520Mediocrity finds safety in standardization. 34521 -- Frederick Crane 34522% 34523Meekness is uncommon patience in planning a worthwhile revenge. 34524% 34525Meester, do you vant to buy a duck? 34526% 34527meeting, n: 34528 An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or 34529department not represented in the room must solve a problem. 34530% 34531MEETINGS: 34532 A place where minutes are kept and hours are lost. 34533% 34534Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that 34535corporations and other large organizations habitually engage 34536in only because they cannot actually masturbate. 34537 -- Dave Barry 34538% 34539MEMO: 34540 An interoffice communication too often written more for 34541 the benefit of the person who sends it than the person 34542 who receives it. 34543% 34544MEMORIES OF MY FAMILY MEETINGS still are a source of strength to me. I 34545remember we'd all get into the car -- I forget what kind it was -- and 34546drive and drive. 34547 34548I'm not sure where we'd go, but I think there were some bees there. The 34549smell of something was strong in the air as we played whatever sport we 34550played. I remember a bigger, older guy whom we called "Dad." We'd eat 34551some stuff or not and then I think we went home. 34552 34553I guess some things never leave you. 34554 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. 34555% 34556Memory fault -- brain fried 34557% 34558Memory fault -- core...uh...um...core... Oh dammit, I forget! 34559% 34560Memory fault - where am I? 34561% 34562Memory should be the starting point of the present. 34563% 34564Men are always ready to respect anything that bores them. 34565 -- Marilyn Monroe 34566% 34567Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional ice 34568hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you should 34569never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the clothes they 34570will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For example, your average 34571man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only three of them. He has learned, 34572through humiliating trial and error, that if he wears any of the other 81 34573ties, his wife will probably laugh at him ("You're not going to wear THAT 34574tie with that suit, are you?"). So he has narrowed it down to three safe 34575ties, and has gone several years without being laughed at. If you give him 34576a new tie, he will pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you. 34577 If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More 34578than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set 34579of tires. 34580 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 34581% 34582Men are superior to women. 34583 -- The Koran 34584% 34585Men are those creatures with two legs and eight hands. 34586 -- Jayne Mansfield 34587% 34588Men aren't attracted to me by my mind. 34589They're attracted by what I don't mind... 34590 -- Gypsy Rose Lee 34591% 34592Men freely believe that what they wish to desire. 34593 -- Julius Caesar 34594% 34595Men have a much better time of it than women; for one 34596thing they marry later; for another thing they die earlier. 34597 -- H. L. Mencken 34598% 34599Men have as exaggerated an idea of their 34600rights as women have of their wrongs. 34601 -- E. W. Howe 34602% 34603Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food. 34604% 34605Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science. 34606% 34607Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it 34608from religious conviction. 34609 -- Blaise Pascal, "Pens'ees", 1670 34610% 34611Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses. 34612 -- Dorothy Parker 34613% 34614Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them 34615pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened. 34616 -- Winston Churchill 34617% 34618Men of lofty genius when they are doing the least work are most active. 34619 -- Leonardo da Vinci 34620% 34621Men of quality are not afraid of women for equality. 34622% 34623Men often believe -- or pretend -- that the "Law" is something sacred, or 34624at least a science -- an unfounded assumption very convenient to governments. 34625% 34626Men ought to know that from the brain and from the brain only arise our 34627pleasures, joys, laughter, and jests as well as our sorrows, pains, griefs 34628and tears. ... It is the same thing which makes us mad or delirious, 34629inspires us with dread and fear, whether by night or by day, brings us 34630sleeplessness, inopportune mistakes, aimless anxieties, absent-mindedness 34631and acts that are contrary to habit... 34632 -- Hippocrates, "The Sacred Disease" 34633% 34634Men say of women what pleases them; women do with men what pleases them. 34635 -- DeSegur 34636% 34637Men seldom show dimples to girls who have pimples. 34638% 34639Men still remember the first kiss after women have forgotten the last. 34640% 34641Men take only their needs into consideration -- never their abilities. 34642 -- Napoleon Bonaparte 34643% 34644Men use thought only to justify their wrong doings, 34645and speech only to conceal their thoughts. 34646 -- Voltaire 34647% 34648Men were real men, women were real women, and small, furry creatures 34649from Alpha Centauri were REAL small, furry creatures from Alpha 34650Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man 34651had split before. Thus was the Empire forged. 34652 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 34653% 34654Men who cherish for women the highest 34655respect are seldom popular with them. 34656 -- Joseph Addison 34657% 34658Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: 34659 The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife. 34660% 34661Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: 34662 The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the 34663cork makes when it is popped. 34664% 34665Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: 34666 All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards. 34667% 34668Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American: 34669 All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards. 34670 34671Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American: 34672 The quality of a champagne is judged by the 34673 amount of noise the cork makes when it is popped. 34674 34675Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American: 34676 The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife. 34677 34678Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: 34679 Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that 34680is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can 34681ever hope to acquire it. 34682% 34683Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American: 34684 Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that 34685is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can 34686ever hope to acquire it. 34687% 34688Mene, mene, tekel, upharsin. 34689% 34690Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and 34691it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin 34692very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently 34693tracing the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ... 34694 [EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important 34695 world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the 34696 next few square feet of the woman's skin. Thank you.] 34697... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your 34698cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of 34699billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"! And what is even 34700more interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying! This is a 34701fact. Your skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the 34702older veteran cells, who have finally worked their way to the top and 34703obtained offices with nice views, are constantly being shoved out the 34704window head first, without so much as a pension plan, by younger 34705hotshot cells moving up from below. 34706 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" 34707% 34708Mental power tended to corrupt, and absolute intelligence tended to 34709corrupt absolutely, until the victim eschewed violence entirely in 34710favor of smart solutions to stupid problems. 34711 -- Piers Anthony 34712% 34713Mental things which have not gone in through the 34714senses are vain and bring forth no truth except detrimental. 34715 -- Leonardo 34716% 34717Menu, n.: 34718 A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of. 34719% 34720Meskimen's Law: 34721 There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to 34722do it over. 34723% 34724MESSAGE ACKNOWLEDGED -- The Pershing II missiles have been launched. 34725% 34726Message from Our Sponsor on ttyTV at 13:58 ... 34727% 34728Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it. 34729% 34730METEOROLOGIST: 34731 One who doubts the established fact that it is 34732 bound to rain if you forget your umbrella. 34733% 34734Metermaids eat their young. 34735% 34736methionylglutaminylarginyltyrosylglutamylserylleucylphenylalanylalanylglutamin- 34737ylleucyllysylglutamylarginyllysylglutamylglycylalanylphenylalanylvalylprolyl- 34738phenylalanylvalylthreonylleucylglycylaspartylprolylglycylisoleucylglutamylglu- 34739taminylserylleucyllysylisoleucylaspartylthreonylleucylisoleucylglutamylalanyl- 34740glycylalanylaspartylalanylleucylglutamylleucylglycylisoleucylprolylphenylala- 34741nylserylaspartylprolylleucylalanylaspartylglycylprolylthreonylisoleucylgluta- 34742minylasparaginylalanylthreonylleucylarginylalanylphenylalanylalanylalanylgly- 34743cylvalylthreonylprolylalanylglutaminylcysteinylphenylalanylglutamylmethionyl- 34744leucylalanylleucylisoleucylarginylglutaminyllysylhistidylprolylthreonylisoleu- 34745cylprolylisoleucylglycylleucylleucylmethionyltyrosylalanylasparaginylleucylva- 34746lylphenylalanylasparaginyllysylglycylisoleucylaspartylglutamylphenylalanyltyro- 34747sylalanylglutaminylcysteinylglutamyllysylvalylglycylvalylaspartylserylvalylleu- 34748cylvalylalanylaspartylvalylprolylvalylglutaminylglutamylserylalanylprolylphe- 34749nylalanylarginylglutaminylalanylalanylleucylarginylhistidylasparaginylvalylala- 34750nylprolylisoleucylphenylalanylisoleucylcysteinylprolylprolylaspartylalanylas- 34751partylaspartylaspartylleucylleucylarginylglutaminylisoleucylalanylseryltyrosyl- 34752glycylarginylglycyltyrosylthreonyltyrosylleucylleucylserylarginylalanylglycyl- 34753valylthreonylglycylalanylglutamylasparaginylarginylalanylalanylleucylprolylleu- 34754cylasparaginylhistidylleucylvalylalanyllysylleucyllysylglutamyltyrosylasparagi- 34755nylalanylalanylprolylprolylleucylglutaminylglycylphenylalanylglycylisoleucylse- 34756rylalanylprolylaspartylglutaminylvalyllysylalanylalanylisoleucylaspartylalanyl- 34757glycylalanylalanylglycylalanylisoleucylserylglycylserylalanylisoleucylvalylly- 34758sylisoleucylisoleucylglutamylglutaminylhistidylasparaginylisoleucylglutamylpro- 34759lylglutamyllysylmethionylleucylalanylalanylleucyllysylvalylphenylalanylvalyl- 34760glutaminylprolylmethionyllysylalanylalanylthreonylarginylserine, n.: 34761 The chemical name for tryptophan synthetase A protein, a 34762 1,913-letter enzyme with 267 amino acids. 34763 -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure, and 34764 Preposterous Words 34765% 34766Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch. 34767% 34768MICRO: 34769 Thinker toys. 34770% 34771Micro Credo: 34772 Never trust a computer bigger than you can lift. 34773% 34774Microbiology Lab: Staph Only! 34775% 34776"Microwave oven? Whaddya mean, it's a microwave oven? I've been 34777watching Channel 4 on the thing for two weeks." 34778% 34779Microwaves frizz your heir. 34780% 34781Mieux vaut tard que jamais! 34782% 34783Might as well be frank, monsieur. It would take a miracle to get you 34784out of Casablanca and the Germans have outlawed miracles. 34785 -- Signor Ferrari, "Casablanca" (1942) 34786% 34787Mike: "The Fourth Dimension is a shambles?" 34788Bernie: "Nobody ever empties the ashtrays. People are SO 34789 inconsiderate." 34790 -- Gary Trudeau, "Doonesbury" 34791% 34792Miksch's Law: 34793 If a string has one end, then it has another end. 34794% 34795Militant agnostic: I don't know, and you don't either. 34796% 34797Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms. 34798 -- Groucho Marx 34799% 34800Military justice is to justice what military music is to music. 34801 -- Groucho Marx 34802% 34803Miller's Slogan: 34804 Lose a few, lose a few. 34805% 34806Millihelen, adj: 34807 The amount of beauty required to launch one ship. 34808% 34809Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with 34810themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon. 34811 -- Susan Ertz 34812% 34813Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that 34814politics is almost always the choice of the lesser evil. "Tweedledum 34815and Tweedledee," they say, "I will not vote." Having abstained, they 34816are presented with a President who appoints the people who are going to 34817rummage around in their lives for the next four years. Consider all 34818the people who sat home in a stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert 34819Humphrey. They showed Humphrey. Those people who taught Hubert 34820Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the Nixon Supreme Court when 34821Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among the gold and the 34822black. 34823 -- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery" 34824% 34825Mind! I don't mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there 34826is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, 34827myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in 34828the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my 34829unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the Country's done for. You 34830will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that Marley was as 34831dead as a door-nail. 34832% 34833"Mind if I smoke?" 34834 "I don't care if you burst into flames and die!" 34835% 34836"Mind if I smoke?" 34837 "Yes, I'd like to see that, does it come out of your ears or what?" 34838% 34839Mind your own business, Spock. 34840I'm sick of your halfbreed interference. 34841% 34842Mind your own business, then you don't mind mine. 34843% 34844Minicomputer: 34845 A computer that can be afforded on the budget of a middle-level 34846 manager. 34847% 34848Minnesota -- 34849 home of the blonde hair and blue ears. 34850 mosquito supplier to the free world. 34851 come fall in love with a loon. 34852 where visitors turn blue with envy. 34853 one day it's warm, the rest of the year it's cold. 34854 land of many cultures -- mostly throat. 34855 where the elite meet sleet. 34856 glove it or leave it. 34857 many are cold, but few are frozen. 34858 land of the ski and home of the crazed. 34859 land of 10,000 Petersons. 34860% 34861Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner. 34862% 34863Minors in Kansas City, Missouri, are not allowed to purchase cap 34864pistols; they may buy shotguns freely, however. 34865% 34866MIPS: 34867 Meaningless Indicator of Processor Speed 34868% 34869Mirrors should reflect a little before throwing back images. 34870 -- Jean Cocteau 34871% 34872Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate. 34873% 34874Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it. 34875 -- Russell Baker 34876% 34877Misfortune, n.: 34878 The kind of fortune that never misses. 34879 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 34880% 34881Misfortunes arrive on wings and leave on foot. 34882% 34883Miss, n.: 34884 A title with which we brand unmarried 34885 women to indicate that they are in the market. 34886 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 34887% 34888Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure. 34889% 34890Mistrust first impulses; they are always right. 34891% 34892MIT: 34893 The Georgia Tech of the North 34894% 34895Mitchell's Law of Committees: 34896 Any simple problem can be made insoluble if enough meetings are 34897held to discuss it. 34898% 34899mittsquinter, adj.: 34900 A ballplayer who looks into his glove after missing the ball, as 34901 if, somehow, the cause of the error lies there. 34902 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 34903% 34904Mix a little foolishness with your serious plans; 34905it's lovely to be silly at the right moment. 34906 -- Horace 34907% 34908mixed emotions: 34909 Watching a bus-load of lawyers plunge off a cliff. 34910 With five empty seats. 34911% 34912Mix's Law: 34913 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary building. 34914 There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax. 34915% 34916Mobius strippers never show you their back side. 34917% 34918MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed) 34919 34920 Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers 349212 cups water 2 cups sugar 349222 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice 34923 Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine 34924 Cinnamon 34925 34926Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break 34927RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar 34928and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon 34929juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously 34930with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top 34931crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let 34932steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust 34933is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices. 34934 -- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box 34935% 34936Modeling paged and segmented memories is tricky business. 34937 -- P. J. Denning 34938% 34939modem, adj: 34940 Up-to-date, new-fangled, as in "Thoroughly Modem Millie." An 34941 unfortunate byproduct of kerning. 34942% 34943Moderation in all things. 34944 -- Publius Terentius Afer [Terence] 34945% 34946Moderation is a fatal thing. Nothing succeeds like excess. 34947 -- Oscar Wilde 34948% 34949Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and persuade 34950themselves that they have a better idea. 34951 -- John Ciardi 34952% 34953Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings. 34954% 34955Modern psychology takes completely for granted that behavior and neural 34956function are perfectly correlated, that one is completely caused by the 34957other. There is no separate soul or lifeforce to stick a finger into the 34958brain now and then and make neural cells do what they would not otherwise. 34959Actually, of course, this is a working assumption only. ... It is quite 34960conceivable that someday the assumption will have to be rejected. But it 34961is important also to see that we have not reached that day yet: the working 34962assumption is a necessary one and there is no real evidence opposed to it. 34963Our failure to solve a problem so far does not make it insoluble. One cannot 34964logically be a determinist in physics and biology, and a mystic in psychology. 34965 -- D. O. Hebb, "Organization of Behavior: A Neuropsychological 34966 Theory", 1949 34967% 34968MODESTY: 34969 Being comfortable that others will discover your greatness. 34970% 34971Modesty is a vastly overrated virtue. 34972 -- J. K. Galbraith 34973% 34974Modesty: the gentle art of enhancing your charm by pretending 34975 not to be aware of it. 34976 -- Oliver Herford 34977% 34978Moe: Wanna play poker tonight? 34979Joe: I can't. It's the kids' night out. 34980Moe: So? 34981Joe: I gotta stay home with the nurse. 34982% 34983Moe: What did you give your wife for Valentine's Day? 34984Joe: The usual gift -- she ate my heart out. 34985% 34986Moebius always does it on the same side. 34987% 34988Mohandas K. Gandhi often changed his mind publicly. An aide once asked 34989him how he could so freely contradict this week what he had said just 34990last week. The great man replied that it was because this week he knew 34991better. 34992% 34993Moishe Margolies, who weighed all of 105 pounds and stood an even five feet 34994in his socks, was taking his first airplane trip. He took a seat next to a 34995hulking bruiser of a man who happened to be the heavyweight champion of 34996the world. Little Moishe was uneasy enough before he even entered the plane, 34997but now the roar of the engines and the great height absolutely terrified him. 34998So frightened did he become that his stomach turned over and he threw up all 34999over the muscular giant siting beside him. Fortunately, at least for Moishe, 35000the man was sound asleep. But now the little man had another problem. How in 35001the world would he ever explain the situation to the burly brute when he 35002awakened? The sudden voice of the stewardess on the plane's intercom, finally 35003woke the bruiser, and Moishe, his heart in his mouth, rose to the occasion. 35004 "Feeling better now?" he asked solicitously. 35005% 35006Molecule, n.: 35007 The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is distinguished from 35008 the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit of matter, by a 35009 closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate, indivisible unit 35010 of matter... The ion differs from the molecule, the corpuscle and 35011 the atom in that it is an ion... 35012 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 35013% 35014Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis: 35015 If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented 35016it wasn't worth doing. 35017% 35018MOMENTUM: 35019 What you give a person when they are going away. 35020% 35021Mommy, what happens to your files when you die? 35022% 35023Mom's Law: 35024 When they finally do have to take you to the 35025 hospital, your underwear won't be clean or new. 35026% 35027Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life. 35028% 35029Monday, n.: 35030 In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game. 35031 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 35032% 35033Monday, n.: 35034 In Christian countries, the day after the football game. 35035 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 35036% 35037Money and women are the most sought after and the least known of any two 35038things we have. 35039 -- The Best of Will Rogers 35040% 35041Money cannot buy love, nor even friendship. 35042% 35043Money cannot buy 35044The fuel of love 35045but is excellent kindling. 35046 35047To the man-in-the-street, who, I'm sorry to say, 35048Is a keen observer of life, 35049The word intellectual suggests right away 35050A man who's untrue to his wife. 35051 -- W. H. Auden, "Collected Shorter Poems" 35052% 35053Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you 35054awfully comfortable while you're being miserable. 35055 -- C. B. Luce 35056% 35057Money can't buy love, but it improves your bargaining position. 35058 -- Christopher Marlowe 35059% 35060Money doesn't talk, it swears. 35061 -- Bob Dylan 35062% 35063Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work almost as well. 35064 -- Lazarus Long 35065% 35066Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons. 35067% 35068Money is its own reward. 35069% 35070Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots. 35071% 35072Money is the root of all wealth. 35073% 35074Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor, make him pay cash. 35075 -- Lazarus Long 35076% 35077Money isn't everything -- but it's a long way ahead of what comes next. 35078 -- Sir Edmond Stockdale 35079% 35080Money may buy friendship but money cannot buy love. 35081% 35082Money may not buy happiness, but it sure 35083puts you in a great bargaining position. 35084% 35085Money will say more in one moment than 35086the most eloquent lover can in years. 35087% 35088Moneyliness is next to Godliness. 35089 -- Andries van Dam 35090% 35091Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses. 35092 -- H. H. Munro 35093% 35094MONOTONY: 35095 Marriage to one woman at a time. 35096% 35097MONTANA: 35098 A grizzly bear praying for the early arrival of cable television. 35099% 35100MONTANA: 35101 Where forty-three below keeps out the riff-raff. 35102% 35103Monterey... is decidedly the pleasantest and most civilized-looking place 35104in California ... [it] is also a great place for cock-fighting, gambling 35105of all sorts, fandangos, and various kinds of amusements and knavery. 35106 -- Richard Henry Dama, "Two Years Before the Mast", 1840 35107% 35108Moon, n.: 35109 1. A celestial object whose phase is very important to 35110hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC). 35111% 35112Moore's Constant: 35113 Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody 35114 does something, but no one does what he sets out to do. 35115% 35116Mophobia, n.: 35117 Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian. 35118% 35119More are taken in by hope than by cunning. 35120 -- Vauvenargues 35121% 35122More people are flattered into virtue than bullied out of vice. 35123 -- R. S. Surtees 35124% 35125More people died at Chappaquidick than at 3-mile island. 35126% 35127More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants. 35128% 35129More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One 35130path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total 35131extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly. 35132 -- Woody Allen, "Side Effects" 35133% 35134Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly 35135religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help. 35136One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent 35137man all my life. Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery 35138just once?" 35139 The despondent fellow returned week after week. One day, Morris, 35140nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before. 35141I just want to win one little lottery." 35142 "As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at 35143least meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket!" 35144% 35145Morton's Law: 35146 If rats are experimented upon, they will develop cancer. 35147% 35148Mos Eisley Spaceport; you'll not find a more 35149wretched collection of villainy and disreputable types... 35150 -- Obi-wan Kenobi, "Star Wars" 35151% 35152Mosher's Law of Software Engineering: 35153 Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd 35154be out of a job. 35155% 35156MOSQUITO: 35157 The state bird of New Jersey. 35158% 35159Most burning issues generate far more heat than light. 35160% 35161Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex 35162because virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs 35163and large quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little 35164eyes. So generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around 35165and around for hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the 35166female gets really tired and has a terrible headache, and she just 35167dumps her eggs right on the sand and swims away. Then the male, driven 35168by some timeless, noble instinct for survival, eats the eggs. So the 35169truth is that fish don't reproduce at all, but there are so many of 35170them that it doesn't make any difference. 35171 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 35172 Teen Should Know" 35173% 35174Most folks they like the daytime, 35175 'cause they like to see the shining sun. 35176They're up in the morning, 35177 off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun. 35178But when the sun goes down, 35179 and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun. 35180 35181Now there are two sides to this great big world, 35182 and one of them is always night. 35183If you can take care of business in the sunshine, baby, 35184 I guess you're gonna be all right. 35185Don't come looking for me to lend you a hand. 35186 My eyes just can't stand the light. 35187 35188'Cause I'm a night owl honey, sleep all day long. 35189 -- Carly Simon 35190% 35191Most general statements are false, including this one. 35192 -- Alexander Dumas 35193% 35194Most of our lives are about proving something, 35195either to ourselves or to someone else. 35196% 35197Most of the fear that spoils our life comes from attacking 35198difficulties before we get to them. 35199 -- Dr. Frank Crane 35200% 35201...most of us learned about love the hard way. Even warnings are probably 35202useless, for somehow, despite the severest warnings of parents and friends, 35203hundreds, thousands of women have forgotten themselves at the last minute 35204and succumbed to the lies, promises, flatteries, or mere attentions of 35205lusting, lovely men, landing themselves in complicated predicaments from 35206which some of them never recovered during their entire lives. And I am not 35207speaking only of your teenaged Midwesterners in 1958; I'm speaking of women 35208of every age in every city in every year. The notorious sexual revolution 35209has saved no one from the pain and confusion of love. 35210 -- Alix Kates Shulman 35211% 35212Most of your faults are not your fault. 35213% 35214Most people are too busy to have time for anything important. 35215% 35216Most people are unable to write because they are unable to think, and 35217they are unable to think because they congenitally lack the equipment 35218to do so, just as they congenitally lack the equipment to fly over the 35219moon. 35220 -- H. L. Mencken 35221% 35222Most people can do without the essentials, but not without the luxuries. 35223% 35224Most people can't understand how others can blow their noses differently 35225than they do. 35226 -- Turgenev 35227% 35228Most people deserve each other. 35229 -- Shirley 35230% 35231Most people don't need a great deal of love 35232nearly so much as they need a steady supply. 35233% 35234Most people eat as though they were fattening themselves for market. 35235 -- E. W. Howe 35236% 35237Most people feel that everyone is entitled to their opinion. 35238% 35239Most people have a furious itch to talk about themselves and are restrained 35240only by the disinclination of others to listen. Reserve is an artificial 35241quality that is developed in most of us as the result of innumerable rebuffs. 35242 -- W. Somerset Maugham 35243% 35244Most people have a mind that's open by appointment only. 35245% 35246Most people have two reasons for doing anything -- 35247a good reason, and the real reason. 35248% 35249Most people in this society who aren't actively mad are, 35250at best, reformed or potential lunatics. 35251 -- Susan Sontag 35252% 35253Most people need some of their problems 35254to help take their mind off some of the others. 35255% 35256Most people prefer certainty to truth. 35257% 35258Most people want either less corruption 35259or more of a chance to participate in it. 35260% 35261Most people will listen to your unreasonable demands, 35262if you'll consider their unacceptable offer. 35263% 35264Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass. 35265 -- Frank Zappa 35266% 35267Most people's favorite way to end a game is by winning. 35268% 35269Most public domain software is free, at least at first glance. 35270% 35271Most rock journalism is people who can't write interviewing people who 35272can't talk for people who can't read. 35273 -- Frank Zappa 35274% 35275Most seminars have a happy ending. Everyone's glad when they're over. 35276% 35277Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call. 35278 -- Richard Lewis 35279% 35280MOTHER: 35281 Half a word. 35282% 35283Mother Earth is not flat! 35284% 35285Mother is far too clever to understand anything she does not like. 35286 -- Arnold Bennett 35287% 35288Mother is the invention of necessity. 35289% 35290Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said that 35291there would be so many. 35292% 35293Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there 35294would be so many. 35295% 35296Mother told me to be good, but she's been wrong before. 35297% 35298Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they 35299don't want them to become politicians in the process. 35300 -- John F. Kennedy 35301% 35302Mothers of large families (who claim to common sense) 35303Will find a Tiger will repay the trouble and expense. 35304 -- Hilaire Belloc, "The Tiger" 35305% 35306Mount St. Helens should have used earth control. 35307% 35308MOUNT TAPE U1439 ON B3, NO RING 35309% 35310Mountain Dew and doughnuts... because breakfast is the most important meal 35311of the day. 35312% 35313Mr. Cole's Axiom: 35314 The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the 35315population is growing. 35316% 35317Mr. Rockford? This is Betty Joe Withers. I got four shirts of yours from 35318the Bo Peep Cleaners by mistake. I don't know why they gave me men's 35319shirts but they're going back. 35320% 35321Mr. Rockford? You don't know me, but I'd like to hire you. Could 35322you call me at... My name is... uh... Never mind, forget it! 35323% 35324Mr. Rockford; Miss Collins from the Bureau of Licenses. We got your 35325renewal before the extended deadline but not your check. I'm sorry but 35326at midnight you're no longer licensed as an investigator. 35327% 35328Mr. Rockford, this is the Thomas Crown School of Dance and Contemporary 35329Etiquette. We aren't going to call again! Now you want these free 35330lessons or what? 35331% 35332Mr. Salter's side of the conversation was limited to expressions of assent. 35333When Lord Copper was right he said "Definitely, Lord Copper"; when he was 35334wrong, "Up to a point." 35335 "Let me see, what's the name of the place I mean? Capital of Japan? 35336Yokohama isn't it?" 35337 "Up to a point, Lord Copper." 35338 "And Hong Kong definitely belongs to us, doesn't it?" 35339 "Definitely, Lord Copper." 35340 -- Evelyn Waugh, "Scoop" 35341% 35342MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way. 35343 -- Henry Spencer 35344% 35345Much as they like to persuade us differently, lawyers are simply hired 35346consultants, and at some point you time them out. 35347 -- Craig Partridge 35348% 35349Much of the excitement we get out of our work 35350is that we don't really know what we are doing. 35351 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 35352% 35353Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day. 35354He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face. 35355"We can't have this!" his Dad declared, "If that lad's ate, he should 35356 be shared." 35357But even as he spoke they saw Horace eating more and more: 35358First his legs and then his thighs, his arms, his nose, his hair, his eyes... 35359"Stop him someone!" Mother cried, "Those eyeballs would be better fried!" 35360But all too late, for they were gone, and he had started on his dong... 35361"Oh! foolish child!" the father mourns "You could have deep-fried that 35362 with prawns, 35363Some parsley and some tartar sauce..." 35364But H. was on his second course: his liver and his lights and lung, 35365His ears, his neck, his chin, his tongue; "To think I raised him from the cot, 35366And now he's going to scoff the lot!" 35367His Mother cried: "What shall we do? What's left won't even make a stew..." 35368And as she wept, her son was seen, to eat his head, his heart his spleen. 35369and there he lay: a boy no more, just a stomach on the floor... 35370None the less, since it *was* his, they ate it -- that's what haggis is. 35371% 35372Multics is security spelled sideways. 35373% 35374"Multiply in your head" (ordered the compassionate Dr. Adams) 35375"365,365,365,365,365,365 by 365,365,365,365,365,365. He [ten-year-old 35376Truman Henry Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his 35377pantaloons over the tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes 35378in their sockets, sometimes smiling and talking, and then seeming to be 35379in an agony, until, in not more than one minute, said he, 35380133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,225!" An electronic 35381computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be as much 35382fun to watch. 35383 -- James R. Newman, "The World of Mathematics" 35384% 35385MUMMY: 35386 An Egyptian who was pressed for time. 35387% 35388Mummy dust to make me old; 35389To shroud my clothes, the black of night; 35390To age my voice, an old hag's cackle; 35391To whiten my hair, a scream of fright; 35392A blast of wind to fan my hate; 35393A thunderbolt to mix it well -- 35394Now begin thy magic spell! 35395 -- The Evil Queen, "Snow White" 35396% 35397Mummy dust to make me old; 35398To shroud my clothes, the black of night; 35399To age my voice, an old hag's cackle; 35400To whiten my hair, a scream of fright; 35401A blast of wind to fan my hate; 35402A thunderbolt to mix it well -- 35403Now begin thy magic spell! 35404 -- Walter Disney, "Snow White" 35405% 35406Mum's the word. 35407 -- Miguel de Cervantes 35408% 35409Mundus vult decipi decipiatur ergo. 35410 -- Xaviera Hollander 35411 35412[The world wants to be cheated, so cheat.] 35413% 35414Murder is always a mistake -- one should never do anything one cannot 35415talk about after dinner. 35416 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Picture of Dorian Gray" 35417% 35418Murphy was an optimist. 35419% 35420Murphy's Discovery: 35421 Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to 35422women? They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything 35423will be all right." And what happens? Nine months later, you're in 35424trouble! 35425% 35426Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't 35427work. 35428% 35429Murphy's Law of Research: 35430 Enough research will tend to support your theory. 35431% 35432"Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem ..." 35433 -- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow" 35434% 35435Murphy's Laws: 35436 (1) If anything can go wrong, it will. 35437 (2) Nothing is as easy as it looks. 35438 (3) Everything takes longer than you think it will. 35439% 35440Murray's Rule: 35441 Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't. 35442% 35443Music in the soul can be heard by the universe. 35444 -- Lao Tsu 35445% 35446Must be getting close to town -- we're hitting more people. 35447% 35448Must I hold a candle to my shames? 35449 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 35450% 35451Mustgo, n.: 35452 Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so 35453long it has become a science project. 35454 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 35455% 35456My advice to you, my violent friend, is to seek out gold and sit on it. 35457 -- The Dragon to Grendel, in John Gardner's "Grendel" 35458% 35459My analyst told me that I was right out of my head, 35460 But I said, "Dear Doctor, I think that it is you instead. 35461Because I have got a thing that is unique and new, 35462 To prove it I'll have the last laugh on you. 35463'Cause instead of one head -- I've got two. 35464 35465And you know two heads are better than one. 35466% 35467My band career ended late in my senior year when John Cooper and I 35468threw my amplifier out the dormitory window. We did not act in haste. 35469First we checked to make sure the amplifier would fit through the 35470frame, using the belt from my bathrobe to measure, then we picked up 35471the amplifier and backed up to my bedroom door. Then we rushed 35472forward, shouting "The WHO! The WHO!" and we launched my amplifier 35473perfectly, as though we had been doing it all our lives, clean through 35474the window and down onto the sidewalk, where a small but appreciative 35475crowd had gathered. I would like to be able to say that this was a 35476symbolic act, an effort on my part to break cleanly away from one state 35477in my life and move on to another, but the truth is, Cooper and I 35478really just wanted to find out what it would sound like. It sounded 35479OK. 35480 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" 35481% 35482My best argument against discrimination is quite simple: 35483 35484Does it really matter if the ABC people are inferior to the DEF people if 35485they can tell one end of a gun from the other? 35486% 35487My Bonnie looked into a gas tank, 35488The height of its contents to see! 35489She lit a small match to assist her, 35490Oh, bring back my Bonnie to me. 35491% 35492My boy is mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms 35493to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, 35494only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with 35495a bulls-eye on the back. 35496 35497I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them 35498said, "So will you." 35499 -- Rodney Dangerfield 35500% 35501My brain is my second favorite organ. 35502 -- Woody Allen 35503% 35504My brother sent me a postcard the other day with this big satellite photo 35505of the entire earth on it. On the back it said: "Wish you were here". 35506 -- Steven Wright 35507% 35508My calculator is my shepherd, I shall not want 35509It maketh me accurate to ten significant figures, 35510 and it leadeth me in scientific notation to 99 digits. 35511It restoreth my square roots and guideth me along paths of floating 35512 decimal points for the sake of precision. 35513Yea, tho I walk through the valley of surprise quizzes, 35514 I will fear no prof, for my calculator is there to hearten me. 35515It prepareth a log table to comfort me, it prepareth an 35516 arc sin for me in the presence of my teachers. 35517It anoints my homework with correct solutions, my interpolations are 35518 over. 35519Surely, both precision and accuracy shall follow me all the days of my 35520 life, and I shall dwell in the house of Texas instruments forever. 35521% 35522My central memory of that time seems to hang on one or five or maybe forty 35523nights -- or very early mornings -- when I left the Fillmore half-crazy and, 35524instead of going home, aimed the big 650 Lightning across the Bay Bridge at 35525a hundred miles an hour ... booming through the Treasure Island tunnel at 35526the lights of Oakland and Berkeley and Richmond, not quite sure which 35527turnoff to take when I got to the other end ... but being absolutely certain 35528that no matter which way I went I would come to a place where people were 35529just as high and wild as I was: no doubt at all about that. 35530 -- Hunter S. Thompson 35531% 35532"My country, right or wrong" is a thing that no patriot would think 35533of saying, except in a desperate case. It is like saying "My mother, 35534drunk or sober." 35535 -- G. K. Chesterton, "The Defendant" 35536% 35537"My country right or wrong" is like saying, "My mother drunk or 35538sober." 35539 -- G. K. Chesterton 35540% 35541My cup hath runneth'd over with love. 35542% 35543My darling wife was always glum. 35544I drowned her in a cask of rum, 35545And so made sure that she would stay 35546In better spirits night and day. 35547% 35548"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless 35549there are three other people." 35550 -- Orson Welles 35551% 35552My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me. 35553% 35554My experience with government is when things are non-controversial, 35555beautifully co-ordinated and all the rest, it must be that not much 35556is going on. 35557 -- John F. Kennedy 35558% 35559My family history begins with me, but yours ends with you. 35560 -- Iphicrates 35561% 35562My father, a good man, told me, "Never lose 35563your ignorance; you cannot replace it." 35564 -- Erich Maria Remarque 35565% 35566My father taught me three things: 35567 1: Never mix whiskey with anything but water. 35568 2: Never try to draw to an inside straight. 35569 3: Never discuss business with anyone who refuses to give his name. 35570% 35571My father was a God-fearing man, but he never 35572missed a copy of the New York Times, either. 35573 -- E. B. White 35574% 35575My father was a saint, I'm not. 35576 -- Indira Gandhi 35577% 35578My favorite sandwich is peanut butter, baloney, cheddar cheese, lettuce 35579and mayonnaise on toasted bread with catsup on the side. 35580 -- Hubert H. Humphrey 35581% 35582My first basename is George "Catfish" Metkovich from our 1952 Pittsburgh 35583Pirates team, which lost 112 games. After a terrible series against the 35584New York Giants, in which our center fielder made three throwing errors 35585and let two balls get through his legs, manager Billy Meyer pleaded, "Can 35586somebody think of something to help us win a game?" 35587 "I'd like to make a suggestion," Metkovich said. "On any ball hit 35588to center field, let's just let it roll to see if it might go foul." 35589 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game" 35590% 35591My folks didn't come over on the Mayflower, 35592but they were there to meet the boat. 35593% 35594My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so 35595later I can ask him what he meant. 35596 -- Steven Wright 35597% 35598My geometry teacher was sometimes acute, and sometimes obtuse, 35599but always, always, he was right. 35600% 35601My girlfriend and I sure had a good time at the beach last summer. First 35602she'd bury me in the sand, then I'd bury her. This summer I'm going to go 35603back and dig her up. 35604% 35605"My God! Are we sure he was a liberal?" 35606"Pretty sure. They pulled him from a Volvo." 35607% 35608My God, I'm depressed! Here I am, a computer with a mind a thousand 35609times as powerful as yours, doing nothing but cranking out fortunes and 35610sending mail about softball games. And I've got this pain right 35611through my ALU. I've asked for it to be replaced, but nobody ever 35612listens. I think it would be better for us both if you were to just 35613log out again. 35614% 35615My, how you've changed since I've changed. 35616% 35617My idea of roughing it is when room service is late. 35618% 35619My idea of roughing it turning the air conditioner too low. 35620% 35621My interest is in the future because I am 35622going to spend the rest of my life there. 35623% 35624"My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?" 35625 -- MadameX 35626% 35627My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet, 35628 And a wild young wood-thing bore him! 35629The ways are fair to his roaming feet, 35630 And the skies are sunlit for him. 35631As sharply sweet to my heart he seems 35632 As the fragrance of acacia. 35633My own dear love, he is all my dreams -- 35634 And I wish he were in Asia. 35635 -- Dorothy Parker, part 2 35636% 35637My love runs by like a day in June, 35638 And he makes no friends of sorrows. 35639He'll tread his galloping rigadoon 35640 In the pathway or the morrows. 35641He'll live his days where the sunbeams start 35642 Nor could storm or wind uproot him. 35643My own dear love, he is all my heart -- 35644 And I wish somebody'd shoot him. 35645 -- Dorothy Parker, part 3 35646% 35647My method is to take the utmost trouble to find the right 35648thing to say. And then say it with the utmost levity. 35649 -- George Bernard Shaw 35650% 35651My mind can never know my body, although 35652it has become quite friendly with my legs. 35653 -- Woody Allen, on Epistemology 35654% 35655My mother drinks to forget she drinks. 35656 -- Crazy Jimmy 35657% 35658My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been 35659one. 35660 -- Groucho Marx 35661% 35662My mother once said to me, "Elwood," (she always called me Elwood) 35663"Elwood, in this world you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." 35664For years I tried smart. I recommend pleasant. 35665 -- Elwood P. Dowde, "Harvey" 35666% 35667My mother wants grandchildren, so I said, "Mom, go for it!" 35668 -- Sue Murphy 35669% 35670My My, hey hey 35671Rock and roll is here to stay The king is gone but he's not forgotten 35672It's better to burn out This is the story of a Johnny Rotten 35673Than to fade away It's better to burn out than it is to rust 35674My my, hey hey The king is gone but he's not forgotten 35675 35676It's out of the blue and into the black Hey hey, my my 35677They give you this, but you pay for that Rock and roll can never die 35678And once you're gone you can never come back There's more to the picture 35679When you're out of the blue Than meets the eye 35680And into the black 35681 -- Neil Young 35682 "My My, Hey Hey (Out of the Blue), Rust Never Sleeps" 35683% 35684My notion of a husband at forty is that a woman should 35685be able to change him, like a bank note, for two twenties. 35686% 35687My only love sprung from my only hate! 35688Too early seen unknown, and known too late! 35689 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet" 35690% 35691My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. 35692% 35693My own business always bores me to death; I prefer other people's. 35694 -- Oscar Wilde 35695% 35696My own dear love, he is strong and bold 35697 And he cares not what comes after. 35698His words ring sweet as a chime of gold, 35699 And his eyes are lit with laughter. 35700He is jubilant as a flag unfurled -- 35701 Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him. 35702My own dear love, he is all my world -- 35703 And I wish I'd never met him. 35704 -- Dorothy Parker, part 1 35705% 35706My own life has been spent chronicling the rise and fall of human systems, 35707and I am convinced that we are terribly vulnerable. ... We should be 35708reluctant to turn back upon the frontier of this epoch. Space is indifferent 35709to what we do; it has no feeling, no design, no interest in whether or not 35710we grapple with it. But we cannot be indifferent to space, because the grand, 35711slow march of intelligence has brought us, in our generation, to a point 35712from which we can explore and understand and utilize it. To turn back now 35713would be to deny our history, our capabilities. 35714 -- James A. Michener 35715% 35716"My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling 35717Alley!!" 35718 -- Zippy the Pinhead 35719% 35720My parents went to Niagra Falls and all I got was this crummy life. 35721% 35722My pen is at the bottom of a page, 35723Which, being finished, here the story ends; 35724'Tis to be wished it had been sooner done, 35725But stories somehow lengthen when begun. 35726 -- Byron 35727% 35728My philosophy is: Don't think. 35729 -- Charles Manson 35730% 35731My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income. 35732 -- Errol Flynn 35733 35734Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure. 35735 -- Errol Flynn 35736% 35737My rackets are run on strictly American 35738lines, and they're going to stay that way. 35739 -- Al Capone 35740% 35741My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior 35742spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive 35743with our frail and feeble mind. 35744 -- Albert Einstein 35745% 35746My ritual differs slightly. What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I 35747hop into the shower stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped 35748in I landed barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot 35749character from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off 35750of while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our dog, 35751Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up powerful 35752dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the bathroom and wants 35753to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any one of which -- bear 35754in mind that I am naked and, without my contact lenses, essentially blind 35755-- could result in the kind of injury where you have to learn a whole new 35756part if you want to sing the "Messiah," if you get my drift. Then I hop 35757right back out, because Robert, with that uncanny sixth sense some children 35758have -- you cannot teach it; they either have it or they don't -- has chosen 35759exactly that moment to flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them. 35760 -- Dave Barry 35761% 35762My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any 35763reason to limit myself. 35764 -- Emo Philips 35765% 35766My sister opened a computer store in Hawaii. 35767She sells C shells by the seashore. 35768% 35769My soul is crushed, my spirit sore 35770I do not like me anymore, 35771I cavil, quarrel, grumble, grouse, 35772I ponder on the narrow house 35773I shudder at the thought of men 35774I'm due to fall in love again. 35775 -- Dorothy Parker, "Enough Rope" 35776% 35777My theology, briefly, is that the universe was dictated but not signed. 35778 -- Christopher Morley 35779% 35780My uncle was the town drunk -- and we lived in Chicago. 35781 -- George Gobel 35782% 35783My way of joking is to tell the truth. 35784That's the funniest joke in the world. 35785 -- Muhammad Ali 35786% 35787My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies. 35788% 35789Mystics always hope that science will some day overtake them. 35790 -- Booth Tarkington 35791% 35792Mythology, n.: 35793 The body of a primitive people's beliefs concerning its 35794origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished 35795from the true accounts which it invents later. 35796 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 35797% 35798Naches (rhymes with Bach' us, with "Bach" pronounced like the composer) 35799is what every Jewish parent wants from their children, lots of good 35800returns, good grades, good spouse, good grandchildren. 35801 35802So, now that you all understand naches, the joke: 35803 35804Two Jewish women are sitting having coffee. 35805 "So, how's your daughter?" 35806 "Oh, Rachel! She's fine, she just married a dentist!" 35807 "Really? Isn't she the one that married the lawyer?" 35808 "Yes, that's my Rachel." 35809 "That's... that's nice. But isn't she the same one that married 35810 the doctor?" 35811 "Yes, that's her!" 35812 "But didn't she marry a bank executive before that?" 35813 "Yes, yes!" 35814 "Ahhh. So much naches from one child!" 35815% 35816Nachman's Rule: 35817 When it comes to foreign food, the less authentic the better. 35818 -- Gerald Nachman 35819% 35820Nadia Comaneci, simple perfection. 35821 -- '76 Olympics 35822% 35823Naeser's Law: 35824 You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it 35825damnfoolproof. 35826% 35827'Naomi, sex at noon taxes.' I moan. 35828Never odd or even. 35829A man, a plan, a canal, Panama. 35830Madam, I'm Adam. 35831Sit on a potato pan, Otis. 35832 -- The Mad Palindromist 35833% 35834NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Giuseppe? Everything he 35835 says is wrong. 35836GIUSEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says 35837 will be right. 35838 -- George Bernard Shaw, "The Man of Destiny" 35839% 35840Narcolepulacyi, n.: 35841 The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight 35842 to also yawn. 35843 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 35844% 35845Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant 35846said "My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next 35847time he goes out, he should not leave his face at the window. Someone 35848might steal it." 35849% 35850Nasrudin returned to his village from the imperial capital, and the 35851villagers gathered around to hear what had passed. "At this time," 35852said Nasrudin, "I only want to say that the King spoke to me." All the 35853villagers but the stupidest ran off to spread the wonderful news. The 35854remaining villager asked, "What did the King say to you?" "What he 35855said -- and quite distinctly, for everyone to hear -- was `Get out of 35856my way!'" The simpleton was overjoyed; he had heard words actually 35857spoken by the King, and seen the very man they were spoken to. 35858% 35859Nasrudin walked into a shop one day, and the owner came forward to 35860serve him. Nasrudin said, "First things first. Did you see me walk 35861into your shop?" "Of course." "Have you ever seen me before?" 35862"Never." "Then how do you know it was me?" 35863% 35864Nasrudin walked into a teahouse and declaimed, "The moon is more useful 35865than the sun." "Why?", he was asked. "Because at night we need the 35866light more." 35867% 35868Nasrudin was carrying home a piece of liver and the recipe for liver 35869pie. Suddenly a bird of prey swooped down and snatched the piece of 35870meat from his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it, 35871"Foolish bird! You have the liver, but what can you do with it without 35872the recipe?" 35873% 35874National security is in your hands - guard it well. 35875% 35876Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of 35877scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams. 35878 -- Mary Ellen Kelly 35879% 35880Natural laws have no pity. 35881% 35882Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders 35883of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to 35884drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, 35885or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people 35886can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you 35887have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists 35888for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same 35889in every country. 35890 -- Hermann Goering 35891% 35892Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of 35893conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the 35894fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he 35895is most likely to be creamed? 35896 -- Solomon Short 35897% 35898Nature abhors a virgin -- a frozen asset. 35899 -- Clare Booth Luce 35900% 35901Nature always sides with the hidden flaw. 35902% 35903Nature and nature's laws lay hid in night, 35904God said, "Let Newton be," and all was light. 35905 35906It did not last; the devil howling "Ho! 35907Let Einstein be!" restored the status quo. 35908% 35909Nature has given women so much power that the law has very wisely 35910given them little. 35911 -- Dr. Samuel Johnson 35912% 35913Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it 35914cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs. 35915 -- Fran Lebowitz 35916% 35917Nature makes boys and girls lovely to look upon so they can be 35918tolerated until they acquire some sense. 35919 -- William Phelps 35920% 35921Nature to all things fixed the limits fit, 35922And wisely curbed proud man's pretending wit. 35923As on the land while here the ocean gains, 35924In other parts it leaves wide sandy plains; 35925Thus in the soul while memory prevails, 35926The solid power of understanding fails; 35927Where beams of warm imagination play, 35928The memory's soft figures melt away. 35929 -- Alexander Pope (on runtime bounds checking?) 35930% 35931Nature, to be commanded, must be obeyed. 35932 -- Francis Bacon 35933% 35934Near the Studio Jean Cocteau 35935On the Rue des Ecoles 35936lived an old man 35937with a blind dog 35938Every evening I would see him 35939guiding the dog along 35940the sidewalk, keeping 35941a firm grip on the leash 35942so that the dog wouldn't 35943run into a passerby 35944Sometimes the dog would stop 35945and look up at the sky 35946Once the old man 35947noticed me watching the dog 35948and he said, "Oh, yes, 35949this one knows 35950when the moon is out, 35951he can feel it on his face" 35952 -- Barry Gifford 35953% 35954Nearly all men can stand adversity, but 35955if you want to test a man's character, give him power. 35956 -- Abraham Lincoln 35957% 35958Nearly every complex solution to a programming problem that I 35959have looked at carefully has turned out to be wrong. 35960 -- Brent Welch 35961% 35962Necessity has no law. 35963 -- St. Augustine 35964% 35965Necessity hath no law. 35966 -- Oliver Cromwell 35967% 35968Necessity is a mother. 35969% 35970"Necessity is the mother of invention" is a silly proverb. "Necessity 35971is the mother of futile dodges" is much nearer the truth. 35972 -- Alfred North Whitehead 35973% 35974Necessity is the plea for every infringement of human freedom. 35975It is the argument of tyrants; it is the creed of slaves. 35976 -- William Pitt, 1783 35977% 35978Neckties strangle clear thinking. 35979 -- Lin Yutang 35980% 35981Needs are a function of what other people have. 35982% 35983Negative expectations yield negative results. 35984Positive expectations yield negative results. 35985% 35986Neglect of duty does not cease, by repetition, to be neglect of duty. 35987 -- Napoleon 35988% 35989Neil Armstrong tripped. 35990% 35991Neither spread the germs of gossip nor encourage others to do so. 35992% 35993Nemo me impune lacessit 35994 [No one provokes me with impunity] 35995 -- Motto of the Crown of Scotland 35996% 35997nerd pack, n: 35998 Plastic pouch worn in breast pocket to keep pens from soiling 35999 clothes. Nerd's position in engineering hierarchy can be 36000 measured by number of pens, grease pencils, and rulers bristling 36001 in his pack. 36002% 36003Neuroses are red, 36004 Melancholia's blue. 36005I'm schizophrenic, 36006 What are you? 36007% 36008Neurotics build castles in the sky, 36009Psychotics live in them, 36010And psychiatrists collect the rent. 36011% 36012Neutrinos are into physicists. 36013% 36014Neutrinos have bad breadth. 36015% 36016neutron bomb, n: 36017 An explosive device of limited military value because, as 36018 it only destroys people without destroying property, it 36019 must be used in conjunction with bombs that destroy property. 36020% 36021Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy. 36022 -- Linda Festa 36023% 36024Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may not have one. 36025Invoking his self-interest gives you more leverage. 36026 -- Lazarus Long 36027% 36028Never argue with a fool -- people might not be able to tell the difference. 36029% 36030Never argue with a man who buys ink by the barrel. 36031% 36032Never argue with a woman when she's tired -- or rested. 36033% 36034Never ask the barber if you need a haircut. 36035% 36036Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss 36037the one you are least interested, and say nothing about the other. 36038% 36039Never be afraid to tell the world who you are. 36040 -- Anonymous 36041% 36042Never be led astray onto the path of virtue. 36043% 36044Never buy from a rich salesman. 36045 -- Goldenstern 36046% 36047Never buy what you do not want 36048because it is cheap; it will be dear to you. 36049 -- Thomas Jefferson 36050% 36051Never call a man a fool; borrow from him. 36052% 36053Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you. 36054% 36055Never count your chickens before they rip your lips off. 36056% 36057Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour. 36058% 36059Never do today what you can put off until tomorrow. 36060% 36061Never drink Coca-Cola in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled 36062with the chemicals in Coke produce hallucinations. People tend to change 36063into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually fly in the 36064window. (Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators have windows.) 36065% 36066Never drink coke in a moving elevator. The elevator's motion coupled 36067with the chemicals in coke produce hallucinations. People tend to 36068change into lizards and attack without warning, and large bats usually 36069fly in the window. Additionally, you begin to believe that elevators 36070have windows. 36071% 36072Never drink from your finger bowl -- it contains only water. 36073% 36074Never eat anything bigger than your head. 36075% 36076Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never play cards with a man named Doc. 36077And never lie down with a woman who's got more troubles than you. 36078 -- Nelson Algren, "What Every Young Man Should Know" 36079% 36080Never eat more than you can lift. 36081 -- Miss Piggy 36082% 36083Never, ever lie to someone you love unless you're 36084absolutely sure they'll never find out the truth. 36085% 36086Never explain. Your friends do not need it 36087and your enemies will never believe you anyway. 36088 -- Elbert Hubbard 36089% 36090Never face facts; if you do you'll never get up in the morning. 36091 -- Marlo Thomas 36092% 36093Never forget what a man says to you when he is angry. 36094% 36095Never frighten a small man -- he'll kill you. 36096% 36097Never get into fights with ugly people because they have nothing to lose. 36098% 36099Never give an inch! 36100% 36101Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. 36102 -- Erma Bombeck 36103% 36104Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. 36105 -- Phyllis Diller, "Phyllis Diller's Housekeeping Hints" 36106% 36107Never have children, only grandchildren. 36108 -- Gore Vidal 36109% 36110Never have so many understood so little about so much. 36111 -- James Burke 36112% 36113Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. 36114% 36115Never insult an alligator until you've crossed the river. 36116% 36117Never invest your money in anything that eats or needs repainting. 36118 -- Billy Rose 36119% 36120Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. 36121 -- Quentin Crisp 36122% 36123Never kick a man, unless he's down. 36124% 36125Never laugh at live dragons. 36126 -- Bilbo Baggins, "The Hobbit" 36127% 36128Never leave anything to chance; 36129make sure all your crimes are premeditated. 36130% 36131Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. 36132 -- Erma Bombeck 36133% 36134Never let someone who says it cannot be done 36135interrupt the person who is doing it. 36136% 36137Never let your schooling interfere with your education. 36138% 36139Never let your sense of morals prevent you from doing what is right. 36140 -- Salvor Hardin, "Foundation" 36141% 36142Never look a gift horse in the mouth. 36143 -- Saint Jerome 36144% 36145Never look up when dragons fly overhead. 36146% 36147Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to 36148make it complex and wonderful. 36149% 36150Never offend people with style when you can offend them with 36151substance. 36152 -- Sam Brown, "The Washington Post", January 26, 1977 36153% 36154Never offend with style when you can offend with substance. 36155% 36156Never pay a compliment as if expecting a receipt. 36157% 36158Never play pool with anyone named "Fats". 36159% 36160Never promise more than you can perform. 36161 -- Publilius Syrus 36162% 36163Never put off till run-time what you can do at compile-time. 36164 -- D. Gries 36165% 36166Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. 36167% 36168Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after. 36169% 36170Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today. There might be a 36171law against it by that time. 36172% 36173Never raise your hand to your children -- it leaves your midsection 36174unprotected. 36175 -- Robert Orben 36176% 36177Never reveal your best argument. 36178% 36179Never say "Oops" in an operating room. 36180% 36181Never say you know a man until you have divided an inheritance with him. 36182% 36183Never settle with words what you can accomplish with a flame thrower. 36184% 36185Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own. 36186 -- Nelson Algren 36187% 36188Never speak ill of yourself, your friends will always say enough on 36189that subject. 36190 -- Charles-Maurice De Talleyrand 36191% 36192NEVER swerve to hit a lawyer riding a bicycle -- it might be your bicycle. 36193% 36194Never tell. Not if you love your wife ... In fact, if your old lady walks 36195in on you, deny it. Yeah. Just flat out and she'll believe it: "I'm 36196tellin' ya. This chick came downstairs with a sign around her neck `Lay 36197On Top Of Me Or I'll Die'. I didn't know what I was gonna do..." 36198 -- Lenny Bruce 36199% 36200Never tell a lie unless it is absolutely convenient. 36201% 36202Never tell people how to do things. Tell them WHAT to 36203do and they will surprise you with their ingenuity. 36204 -- Gen. George S. Patton, Jr. 36205% 36206Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle. 36207 -- Steinbach 36208% 36209Never trust a child farther than you can throw it. 36210% 36211Never trust a computer you can't repair yourself. 36212% 36213Never trust an automatic pistol or a D.A.'s deal. 36214 -- John Dillinger 36215% 36216Never trust an operating system. 36217% 36218Never trust anybody whose arm is bigger than your leg. 36219% 36220Never trust anyone who says money is no object. 36221% 36222Never try to explain computers to a layman. It's easier to explain 36223sex to a virgin. 36224 -- Robert A. Heinlein 36225 36226(Note, however, that virgins tend to know a lot about computers.) 36227% 36228Never try to outstubborn a cat. 36229 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 36230% 36231Never try to teach a pig to sing. 36232It wastes your time and annoys the pig. 36233% 36234Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes. 36235 -- Dr. Warren Jackson, Director, UTCS 36236% 36237"Never underestimate the power of a small tactical nuclear weapon." 36238% 36239Never underestimate the power of human stupidity. 36240 -- Robert A. Heinlein 36241% 36242Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where 36243there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc. 36244% 36245Never volunteer for anything. 36246 -- Lackland 36247% 36248Never worry about theory as long as the machinery does what it's 36249supposed to do. 36250 -- Robert A. Heinlein 36251% 36252new, adj: 36253 Different color from previous model. 36254% 36255New crypt. See /usr/news/crypt. 36256% 36257New England Life, of course. Why do you ask? 36258% 36259New Hampshire law forbids you to tap your feet, nod your head, or in 36260any way keep time to the music in a tavern, restaurant, or cafe. 36261% 36262New members are urgently needed in the Society for Prevention of 36263Cruelty to Yourself. Apply within. 36264% 36265New members urgently required for SUICIDE CLUB, Watford area. 36266 -- Monty Python's Big Red Book 36267% 36268New release: 36269 Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the waiting 36270 time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this 36271 rate there will soon be an up to a one year wait. 36272% 36273New systems generate new problems. 36274% 36275New Year's Eve is the time of year when a man most feels his age, and 36276his wife most often reminds him to act it. 36277 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary 36278% 36279New York is real. The rest is done with mirrors. 36280% 36281New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around 36282whom you shouldn't make a sudden move. 36283 -- David Letterman 36284% 36285New York-- to that tall skyline I come 36286Flyin' in from London to your door 36287New York-- lookin' down on Central Park 36288Where they say you should not wander after dark. 36289New York. 36290 -- Simon and Garfunkel 36291% 36292New York's got the ways and means; 36293Just won't let you be. 36294 -- The Grateful Dead 36295% 36296Newlan's Truism: 36297 An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the government 36298economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. 36299% 36300Newman's Discovery: 36301 Your best dreams may not come true; 36302 fortunately, neither will your worst dreams. 36303% 36304NEWS FLASH!! 36305 Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West 36306 German pole-vault champion. 36307% 36308news: gotcha 36309% 36310NEWSFLASH!! 36311 Rodney Fenster looked up the shaft of elevator number four at 363121700 N. 17th St. this morning to see if the elevator was on its way down. 36313It was. Age 31. 36314% 36315Newspaper editors are men who separate the wheat from the chaff, and then 36316print the chaff. 36317 -- Adlai Stevenson 36318% 36319Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction. 36320% 36321Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law: 36322 A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead. 36323% 36324Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't 36325have a lucky day this year. 36326% 36327Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying 36328as an income tax refund. 36329 -- F. J. Raymond 36330% 36331Nice boy, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice. 36332 -- Foghorn Leghorn 36333% 36334Nice guys don't finish nice. 36335% 36336Nice guys finish last. 36337 -- Leo Durocher 36338% 36339Nice guys finish last, but we get to sleep in. 36340 -- Evan Davis 36341% 36342Nice guys get sick. 36343% 36344Nick the Greek's Law of Life: 36345 All things considered, life is 9 to 5 against. 36346% 36347Nietzsche is pietzsche. 36348% 36349Nietzsche is pietzsche, Goethe is murder. 36350% 36351Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. 36352God -- I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again. 36353 -- Woody Allen, "Hannah and Her Sisters" 36354% 36355Nihilism should commence with oneself. 36356% 36357Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name 36358correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into 36359(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but 36360Americans call him by value. 36361% 36362Nine megs for the secretaries fair, 36363Seven megs for the hackers scarce, 36364Five megs for the grads in smoky lairs, 36365Three megs for system source; 36366 36367One disk to rule them all, 36368One disk to bind them, 36369One disk to hold the files 36370And in the darkness grind 'em. 36371% 36372Nine-track tapes and seven-track tapes 36373 And tapes without any tracks; 36374Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes 36375 And tapes mixed up on the racks -- 36376 Take hold of the tape 36377 And pull off the strip, 36378 And then you'll be sure 36379 Your tape drive will skip. 36380 36381 -- Uncle Colonel's Cursory Rhymes 36382% 36383Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation. 36384 -- Henry Kissinger 36385% 36386"Ninety percent of the time things turn out worse than you thought they 36387would. The other ten percent of the time you had no right to expect 36388that much." 36389 -- Augustine 36390% 36391Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules: 36392 The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of 36393the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety percent. 36394% 36395Nirvana? That's the place where the powers that be and their friends 36396hang out. 36397 -- Zonker Harris 36398% 36399Nitwit ideas are for emergencies. You use them when you've got nothing 36400else to try. If they work, they go in the Book. Otherwise you follow 36401the Book, which is largely a collection of nitwit ideas that worked. 36402 -- Larry Niven, "The Mote in God's Eye" 36403% 36404No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted. 36405 -- Aesop 36406% 36407No amount of careful planning will ever replace dumb luck. 36408% 36409No amount of genius can overcome a preoccupation with detail. 36410% 36411No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless 36412absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation. 36413 -- Fran Lebowitz 36414% 36415No bird soars too high if he soars with his own wings. 36416 -- William Blake 36417% 36418no brainer: 36419 A decision which, viewed through the retrospectoscope, 36420 is "obvious" to those who failed to make it originally. 36421% 36422No character, however upright, is a match for 36423constantly reiterated attacks, however false. 36424 -- Alexander Hamilton 36425% 36426No Civil War picture ever made a nickel. 36427 -- MGM executive Irving Thalberg to Louis B. Mayer about 36428 film rights to "Gone With the Wind". 36429 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" 36430% 36431No committee could ever come up with anything as revolutionary as a 36432camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform 36433effectively under such difficult conditions. 36434 -- Laurence J. Peter 36435% 36436No directory. 36437% 36438No discipline is ever requisite to force attendance upon 36439lectures which are really worth the attending. 36440 -- Adam Smith, "The Wealth of Nations" 36441% 36442No doubt Jack the Ripper excused himself 36443on the grounds that it was human nature. 36444% 36445"No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'" 36446 -- Doctor Who 36447% 36448No evil can happen to a good man. 36449 -- Plato 36450% 36451No excellent soul is exempt from a mixture of madness. 36452 -- Aristotle 36453% 36454No extensible language will be universal. 36455 -- T. Cheatham 36456% 36457No friendship is so cordial or so delicious as that of girl for girl; 36458no hatred so intense or immovable as that of woman for woman. 36459 -- Landor 36460% 36461No good deed goes unpunished. 36462 -- Clare Boothe Luce 36463% 36464No group of professionals meets except to 36465conspire against the public at large. 36466 -- Mark Twain 36467% 36468No guest is so welcome in a friend's house that 36469he will not become a nuisance after three days. 36470 -- Titus Maccius Plautus 36471% 36472No guts, no glory. 36473% 36474No hardware designer should be allowed to produce any piece of hardware 36475until three software guys have signed off for it. 36476 -- Andy Tanenbaum 36477% 36478No, his mind is not for rent 36479To any god or government. 36480Always hopeful, yet discontent, 36481He knows changes aren't permanent - 36482But change is. 36483% 36484No house is childproofed unless the little darlings are in straitjackets. 36485% 36486No house should ever be on any hill or on anything. 36487It should be of the hill, belonging to it. 36488 -- Frank Lloyd Wright 36489% 36490No, I don't have a drinking problem. 36491I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem! 36492% 36493No, I'm not interested in developing a powerful brain. All I'm after is 36494just a mediocre brain, something like the president of American Telephone 36495and Telegraph Company. 36496 -- Alan Turing on the possibilities of a thinking 36497 machine, 1943. 36498% 36499No is no negative in a woman's mouth. 36500 -- Sidney 36501% 36502"No job too big; no fee too big!" 36503 -- Dr. Peter Venkman, "Ghostbusters" 36504% 36505No line available at 300 baud. 36506% 36507No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of 36508absolute reality; even larks and katydids are supposed, by some, to dream. 36509Hill House, not sane, stood by itself against its hills, holding darkness 36510within; it had stood so for eighty years and might stand for eighty more. 36511Within, walls continued upright, bricks met neatly, floors were firm, and 36512doors were sensibly shut; silence lay steadily against the wood and stone 36513of Hill House, and whatever walked there, walked alone. 36514 -- Shirley Jackson, "The Haunting of Hill House" 36515% 36516no maintenance: 36517 Impossible to fix. 36518% 36519No man can have a reasonable opinion of women until he has long lost 36520interest in hair restorers. 36521 -- Austin O'Malley 36522% 36523No man in the world has more courage than the man who can stop after 36524eating one peanut. 36525 -- Channing Pollock 36526% 36527No man is an Iland, intire of it selfe; every man is a peece of the 36528Continent, a part of the maine; if a Clod bee washed away by the Sea, 36529Europe is the lesse, as well as if a Promontorie were, as well as if 36530a Mannor of thy friends or of thine owne were; any mans death diminishes 36531me, because I am involved in Mankinde; And therefore never send to know 36532for whom the bell tolls; It tolls for thee. 36533 -- John Donne, "No Man is an Iland" 36534% 36535No man is an island, but some of us are long peninsulas. 36536% 36537No man is an island if he's on at least one mailing list. 36538% 36539No man is useless who has a friend, 36540and if we are loved we are indispensable. 36541 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 36542% 36543No man would listen to you talk if he didn't know it was his turn next. 36544 -- E. W. Howe 36545% 36546No man's ambition has a right to stand in 36547the way of performing a simple act of justice. 36548 -- John Altgeld 36549% 36550No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher 36551than the interests of the right of nations to self-determination. 36552 -- Lenin, 1918 36553% 36554No matter how celebrated the beauty of a woman, I would never spend a night 36555with her. The only celebrity with whom I would share a night is Max Planck. 36556But he is dead. So I live like a monk, aside from a little self gratification 36557in the afternoons. 36558 -- Salvador Dali 36559% 36560No matter how cynical you get, it's impossible to keep up. 36561% 36562No matter how much you do you never do enough. 36563% 36564No matter how old a mother is, she watches her middle-aged children for 36565signs of improvement. 36566 -- Florida Scott-Maxwell 36567% 36568No matter how subtle the wizard, a knife in the shoulder blades will 36569seriously cramp his style. 36570% 36571No matter what happens, there is always someone who knew it would. 36572% 36573No matter what other nations may say about the United States, 36574immigration is still the sincerest form of flattery. 36575% 36576No matter where I go, the place is always called "here". 36577% 36578No matter who you are, some scholar can show you 36579the great idea you had was had by someone before you. 36580% 36581No matther whether th' constitution follows th' flag or not, 36582th' supreme court follows th' iliction returns. 36583 -- Mr. Dooley 36584% 36585No modern woman with a grain of sense ever sends little notes to an 36586unmarried man -- not until she is married, anyway. 36587 -- Arthur Binstead 36588% 36589No, my friend, the way to have good and safe government, is not to trust it 36590all to one, but to divide it among the many, distributing to every one exactly 36591the functions he is competent to. It is by dividing and subdividing these 36592republics from the national one down through all its subordinations, until it 36593ends in the administration of every man's farm by himself; by placing under 36594every one what his own eye may superintend, that all will be done for the best. 36595 -- Thomas Jefferson, to Joseph Cabell, 1816 36596% 36597No one becomes depraved in a moment. 36598 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis 36599% 36600No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish. 36601% 36602No one can have a higher opinion of him than I have, and I think he's a 36603dirty little beast. 36604 -- W. S. Gilbert 36605% 36606No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. 36607 -- Eleanor Roosevelt 36608% 36609No one can put you down without your full cooperation. 36610% 36611No one gets sick on Wednesdays. 36612% 36613No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid. 36614% 36615No one has a higher opinion of him than he has. 36616 -- Greg Lehey, FreeBSDcon 1999 36617% 36618No one knows like a woman how to say 36619things that are at once gentle and deep. 36620 -- Hugo 36621% 36622No one knows what he can do till he tries. 36623 -- Publilius Syrus 36624% 36625No one regards what is before his feet; we all gaze at the stars. 36626 -- Quintus Ennius 36627% 36628No one so thoroughly appreciates the value of constructive criticism as the 36629one who's giving it. 36630 -- Hal Chadwick 36631% 36632NO OPIUM-SMOKING IN THE ELEVATORS 36633 -- sign in the Rand Hotel, New York, 1907 36634% 36635No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval 36636system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of 36637the author. 36638 -- Chris Shaw 36639% 36640No pig should go sky diving during monsoon 36641For this isn't really the norm. 36642But should a fat swine try to soar like a loon, 36643So what? Any pork in a storm. 36644 36645No pig should go sky diving during monsoon, 36646It's risky enough when the weather is fine. 36647But to have a pig soar when the monsoon doth roar 36648Cast even more perils before swine. 36649% 36650No plain fanfold paper could hold that fractal Puff -- 36651He grew so fast no plotting pack could shrink him far enough. 36652Compiles and simulations grew so quickly tame 36653And swapped out all their data space when Puff pushed his stack frame. 36654CHORUS: 36655 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, 36656 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. 36657 Puff the fractal dragon was written in C, 36658 And frolicked while processes switched in mainframe memory. 36659Puff, he grew so quickly, while others moved like snails 36660And mini-Puffs would perch themselves on his gigantic tail. 36661All the student hackers loved that fractal Puff 36662But DCS did not like Puff, and finally said, "Enough!" 36663 (chorus) 36664Puff used more resources than DCS could spare. 36665The operator killed Puff's job -- he didn't seem to care. 36666A gloom fell on the hackers; it seemed to be the end, 36667But Puff trapped the exception, and grew from naught again! 36668 (chorus) 36669% 36670No poet or novelist wishes he was the only one who ever lived, but most of 36671them wish they were the only one alive, and quite a number fondly believe 36672their wish has been granted. 36673 -- W. H. Auden, "The Dyer's Hand" 36674% 36675No problem is insoluble in all conceivable circumstances. 36676% 36677No problem is so formidable that you can't just walk away from it. 36678 -- C. Schulz 36679% 36680No problem is so large it can't be fit in somewhere. 36681% 36682"No program is perfect," 36683They said with a shrug. 36684"The customer's happy-- 36685What's one little bug?" 36686 36687But he was determined, Then change two, then three more, 36688The others went home. As year followed year. 36689He dug out the flow chart And strangers would comment, 36690Deserted, alone. "Is that guy still here?" 36691 36692Night passed into morning. He died at the console 36693The room was cluttered Of hunger and thirst 36694With core dumps, source listings. Next day he was buried 36695"I'm close," he muttered. Face down, nine edge first. 36696 36697Chain smoking, cold coffee, And his wife through her tears 36698Logic, deduction. Accepted his fate. 36699"I've got it!" he cried, Said "He's not really gone, 36700"Just change one instruction." He's just working late." 36701 -- The Perfect Programmer 36702% 36703No proper program contains an indication which as an operator-applied 36704occurrence identifies an operator-defining occurrence which as an 36705indication-applied occurrence identifies an indication-defining 36706occurrence different from the one identified by the given indication as 36707an indication-applied occurrence. 36708 -- ALGOL 68 Report 36709% 36710No question is so difficult as one to which the answer is obvious. 36711% 36712No rock so hard but that a little wave 36713May beat admission in a thousand years. 36714 -- Tennyson 36715% 36716No self-made man ever did such a good job 36717that some woman didn't want to make some alterations. 36718 -- Kin Hubbard 36719% 36720No self-respecting fish would want to be wrapped in that kind of paper. 36721 -- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was 36722 taken over by Rupert Murdoch 36723% 36724No skis take rocks like rental skis! 36725% 36726No small art is it to sleep: it is necessary 36727for that purpose to keep awake all day. 36728 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 36729% 36730No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible. 36731% 36732No sooner had Edger Allen Poe 36733Finished his old Raven, 36734then he started his Old Crow. 36735% 36736No sooner said than done -- so acts your man of worth. 36737 -- Quintus Ennius 36738% 36739No spitting on the Bus! 36740Thank you, The Management. 36741% 36742No television performance takes as much preparation as an off-the-cuff talk. 36743 -- Richard Nixon 36744% 36745No two persons ever read the same book. 36746 -- Edmund Wilson 36747% 36748No use getting too involved in life -- 36749you're only here for a limited time. 36750% 36751No woman can endure a gambling husband, unless he is a steady winner. 36752 -- Lord Thomas Dewar 36753% 36754No woman ever falls in love with a man unless she has a better opinion of 36755him than he deserves. 36756 -- Edgar W. Howe 36757% 36758No wonder Clairol makes so much money selling shampoo. 36759Lather, Rinse, Repeat is an infinite loop! 36760% 36761No wonder you're tired! You understood so much today. 36762% 36763No yak too dirty; no dumpster too hollow. 36764% 36765Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest. 36766% 36767Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it. 36768 -- Tallulah Bankhead 36769% 36770Nobody ever died from oven crude poisoning. 36771% 36772Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet. 36773 -- Kin Hubbard 36774% 36775Nobody ever ruined their eyesight by looking at the bright side of something. 36776% 36777NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION. 36778% 36779Nobody is one block of harmony. We are all afraid of something, or feel 36780limited in something. We all need somebody to talk to. It would be good 36781if we talked to each other--not just pitter-patter, but real talk. We 36782shouldn't be so afraid, because most people really like this contact; 36783that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable too. 36784It's so much easier to be together when we drop our masks. 36785 -- Liv Ullman 36786% 36787Nobody knows the trouble I've been. 36788% 36789Nobody knows what goes between his cold toes and his warm ears. 36790 -- Roy Harper 36791% 36792Nobody loves me, 36793Everybody hates me, 36794I think I'll go out and eat worms. 36795I'm gonna cut their heads off, 36796Eat their insides out, 36797And throw way the skins. 36798Big, fat, juicy ones, 36799Little, skinny, cute ones, 36800Watch how they wiggle and they squirm. 36801% 36802Nobody really knows what happiness is, until they're married. 36803And then it's too late. 36804% 36805Nobody said computers were going to be polite. 36806% 36807Nobody shot me. 36808 -- Frank Gusenberg, his last words, when asked by police 36809 who had shot him 14 times with a machine gun in the Saint 36810 Valentine's Day Massacre. 36811 36812Only Capone kills like that. 36813 -- George "Bugs" Moran, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre 36814 36815The only man who kills like that is Bugs Moran. 36816 -- Al Capone, on the Saint Valentine's Day Massacre 36817% 36818Nobody suffers the pain of birth or the anguish of loving a child in 36819order for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the 36820substance of their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young 36821and rob the old. 36822 -- Lewis Lapham 36823% 36824Nobody takes a bribe. Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold out 36825your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's 36826different. 36827 -- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P. 36828 O'Brien, instructions to the force. 36829% 36830Nobody wants constructive criticism. 36831It's all we can do to put up with constructive praise. 36832% 36833Nobody's gonna believe that computers are intelligent until they start 36834coming in late and lying about it. 36835% 36836nohup rm -fr /& 36837% 36838Noise proves nothing. Often a hen who has 36839merely laid an egg cackles as if she laid an asteroid. 36840 -- Mark Twain 36841% 36842nolo contendere: 36843 A legal term meaning: "I didn't do it, judge, and I'll never do 36844 it again." 36845% 36846nominal egg: 36847 New Yorkerese for expensive. 36848% 36849Noncombatant, n.: 36850 A dead Quaker. 36851 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 36852% 36853Non-Determinism is not meant to be reasonable. 36854 -- M. J. 0'Donnell 36855% 36856Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong. 36857% 36858None love the bearer of bad news. 36859 -- Sophocles 36860% 36861None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it necessary 36862to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one 36863ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a 36864job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing 36865forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient 36866he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a 36867state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the 36868"expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible. 36869 -- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work" 36870% 36871Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations: 36872 Negative expectations yield negative results. 36873 Positive expectations yield negative results. 36874% 36875Nonsense. Space is blue and birds fly through it. 36876 -- Heisenberg 36877% 36878Nonsense and beauty have close connections. 36879 -- E. M. Forster 36880% 36881Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades. 36882% 36883Noone ever built a statue to a critic. 36884% 36885No-one would remember the Good Samaritan if he had only had good 36886intentions. He had money as well. 36887 -- Margaret Thatcher 36888% 36889Norbert Wiener was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Wiener was, in 36890fact, very absent minded. The following story is told about him: when they 36891moved from Cambridge to Newton his wife, knowing that he would be absolutely 36892useless on the move, packed him off to MIT while she directed the move. Since 36893she was certain that he would forget that they had moved and where they had 36894moved to, she wrote down the new address on a piece of paper, and gave it to 36895him. Naturally, in the course of the day, an insight occurred to him. He 36896reached in his pocket, found a piece of paper on which he furiously scribbled 36897some notes, thought it over, decided there was a fallacy in his idea, and 36898threw the piece of paper away. At the end of the day he went home (to the 36899old address in Cambridge, of course). When he got there he realized that they 36900had moved, that he had no idea where they had moved to, and that the piece of 36901paper with the address was long gone. Fortunately inspiration struck. There 36902was a young girl on the street and he conceived the idea of asking her where 36903he had moved to, saying, "Excuse me, perhaps you know me. I'm Norbert Wiener 36904and we've just moved. Would you know where we've moved to?" To which the 36905young girl replied, "Yes, Daddy, Mommy thought you would forget." 36906 The capper to the story is that I asked his daughter (the girl in the 36907story) about the truth of the story, many years later. She said that it wasn't 36908quite true -- that he never forgot who his children were! The rest of it, 36909however, was pretty close to what actually happened... 36910 -- Richard Harter 36911% 36912Norm: Gentlemen, start your taps. 36913 -- Cheers, The Coach's Daughter 36914 36915Coach: How's life treating you, Norm? 36916Norm: Like it caught me in bed with his wife. 36917 -- Cheers, Any Friend of Diane's 36918 36919Coach: How's life, Norm? 36920Norm: Not for the squeamish, Coach. 36921 -- Cheers, Friends, Romans, and Accountants 36922% 36923Norm: Hey, everybody. 36924All: [silence; everybody is mad at Norm for being rich.] 36925Norm: [Carries on both sides of the conversation himself.] 36926 Norm! (Norman.) 36927 How are you feeling today, Norm? 36928 Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer. 36929 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash 36930 36931Woody: What's the latest, Mr. Peterson? 36932Norm: Zha-Zha marries a millionaire, Peterson drinks a beer. 36933 Film at eleven. 36934 -- Cheers, Knights of the Scimitar 36935 36936Woody: How are you today, Mr. Peterson? 36937Norm: Never been better, Woody. ... Just once I'd like to be better. 36938 -- Cheers, Chambers vs. Malone 36939% 36940[Norm comes in with an attractive woman.] 36941 36942Coach: Normie, Normie, could this be Vera? 36943Norm: With a lot of expensive surgery, maybe. 36944 -- Cheers, Norman's Conquest 36945 36946Coach: What's up, Normie? 36947Norm: The temperature under my collar, Coach. 36948 -- Cheers, I'll Be Seeing You (Part 2) 36949 36950Coach: What would you say to a nice beer, Normie? 36951Norm: Going down? 36952 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom 36953% 36954[Norm goes into the bar at Vic's Bowl-A-Rama.] 36955 36956Off-screen crowd: Norm! 36957Sam: How the hell do they know him here? 36958Cliff: He's got a life, you know. 36959 -- Cheers, From Beer to Eternity 36960 36961Woody: What can I do for you, Mr. Peterson? 36962Norm: Elope with my wife. 36963 -- Cheers, The Triangle 36964 36965Woody: How's life, Mr. Peterson? 36966Norm: Oh, I'm waiting for the movie. 36967 -- Cheers, Take My Shirt... Please? 36968% 36969[Norm is angry.] 36970 36971Woody: What can I get you, Mr. Peterson? 36972Norm: Clifford Clavin's head. 36973 -- Cheers, The Triangle 36974 36975Sam: Hey, what's happening, Norm? 36976Norm: Well, it's a dog-eat-dog world, Sammy, 36977 and I'm wearing Milk-Bone underwear. 36978 -- Cheers, The Peterson Principle 36979 36980Sam: How's life in the fast lane, Normie? 36981Norm: Beats me, I can't find the on-ramp. 36982 -- Cheers, Diane Chambers Day 36983% 36984[Norm returns from the hospital.] 36985 36986Coach: What's up, Norm? 36987Norm: Everything that's supposed to be. 36988 -- Cheers, Diane Meets Mom 36989 36990Sam: What's new, Normie? 36991Norm: Terrorists, Sam. They've taken over my stomach. 36992 They're demanding beer. 36993 -- Cheers, The Heart is a Lonely Snipehunter 36994 36995Coach: What'll it be, Normie? 36996Norm: Just the usual, Coach. I'll have a froth of beer and a snorkel. 36997 -- Cheers, King of the Hill 36998% 36999[Norm tries to prove that he is not Anton Kreitzer.] 37000Norm: Afternoon, everybody! 37001All: Anton! 37002 -- Cheers, The Two Faces of Norm 37003 37004Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? 37005Norm: A flashing sign in my gut that says, `Insert beer here.' 37006 -- Cheers, Call Me, Irresponsible 37007 37008Sam: What can I get you, Norm? 37009Norm: [scratching his beard] Got any flea powder? Ah, just kidding. 37010 Gimme a beer; I think I'll just drown the little suckers. 37011 -- Cheers, Two Girls for Every Boyd 37012% 37013Normal times may possibly be over forever. 37014% 37015Normally our rules are rigid; we tend to discretion, if for no other 37016reason than self-protection. We never recommend any of our graduates, 37017although we cheerfully provide information as to those who have failed 37018their courses. 37019 -- Jack Vance, "Freitzke's Turn" 37020% 37021Nostalgia is living life in the past lane. 37022% 37023Nostalgia just isn't what it used to be. 37024% 37025Not all men who drink are poets. 37026Some of us drink because we aren't poets. 37027% 37028Not all who own a harp are harpers. 37029 -- Marcus Terentius Varro 37030% 37031Not drinking, chasing women, or doing drugs won't 37032make you live longer -- it just seems that way. 37033% 37034Not every problem someone has with his girlfriend is necessarily due to 37035the capitalist mode of production. 37036 -- Herbert Marcuse 37037% 37038Not every question deserves an answer. 37039% 37040Not everything worth doing is worth doing well. 37041% 37042Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the 37043Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats 37044in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the 37045moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine, a 37046dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every 37047respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside 37048it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms, 37049then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they 37050chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine ... 37051 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 37052% 37053Not Hercules could have knock'd out his brains, for he had none. 37054 -- William Shakespeare 37055% 37056Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is 37057ugly and the paper is from the wrong kind of tree. 37058 -- Professor W., EECS, George Washington University 37059 37060I'm looking forward to working with you on this next year. 37061 -- Professor, Harvard, on a senior thesis 37062% 37063Not only is UNIX dead, it's starting to smell really bad. 37064 -- Rob Pike 37065% 37066Not that we needed all that stuff, but when you get locked into a 37067serious drug collection the tendency is to push it as far as you can. 37068 -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" 37069% 37070Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand. 37071 -- Spinoza 37072% 37073NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given. 37074All software is supplied as is, without guarantee. The user assumes 37075all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these 37076features, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system 37077abends, disk head-crashes, general malfeasance, floods, fires, shark 37078attack, nerve gas, locust infestation, cyclones, hurricanes, tsunamis, 37079local electromagnetic disruptions, hydraulic brake system failure, 37080invasion, hashing collisions, normal wear and tear of friction 37081surfaces, comic radiation, inadvertent destruction of sensitive 37082electronic components, windstorms, the Riders of Nazgul, infuriated 37083chickens, malfunctioning mechanical or electrical sexual devices, 37084premature activation of the distant early warning system, peasant 37085uprisings, halitosis, artillery bombardment, explosions, cave-ins, 37086and/or frogs falling from the sky. 37087% 37088Note to myself: use real bullets next time. 37089% 37090Notes for a ballet, "The Spell": ... Suddenly Sigmund hears the flutter 37091of wings, and a group of wild swans flies across the moon ... Sigmund 37092is astounded to see that their leader is part swan and part woman -- 37093unfortunately, divided lengthwise. She enchants Sigmund, who is 37094careful not to make any poultry jokes ... 37095 -- Woody Allen 37096% 37097Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing. 37098 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 37099% 37100Nothing can be done in one trip. 37101 -- Snider 37102% 37103Nothing cures insomnia like the realization that it's time to get up. 37104% 37105Nothing endures but change. 37106 -- Heraclitus 37107 [Yeah, yeah, "Everything changes but change itself." --JFK Ed.] 37108% 37109Nothing ever becomes real till it is experienced -- even a 37110proverb is no proverb to you till your life has illustrated it. 37111 -- John Keats 37112% 37113Nothing in life is so exhilarating as to be shot at without result. 37114 -- Winston Churchill 37115 37116Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as 37117satisfying as an income tax refund. 37118 -- F. J. Raymond 37119% 37120Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood. 37121% 37122Nothing increases your golf score like witnesses. 37123% 37124Nothing is as simple as it seems at first 37125 Or as hopeless as it seems in the middle 37126 Or as finished as it seems in the end. 37127% 37128Nothing is but what is not. 37129% 37130Nothing is ever a total loss; it can always serve as a bad example. 37131% 37132Nothing is faster than the speed of light ... 37133 37134To prove this to yourself, try opening the refrigerator door before the 37135light comes on. 37136% 37137Nothing is finished until the paperwork is done. 37138% 37139Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it. 37140 -- Andrew Young 37141% 37142Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself. 37143 -- A. H. Weiler 37144% 37145Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which millionaires 37146tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth. 37147 -- Nero Wolfe 37148% 37149Nothing is more quiet than the sound of hair going grey. 37150% 37151Nothing is rich but the inexhaustible wealth of nature. 37152She shows us only surfaces, but she is a million fathoms deep. 37153 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 37154% 37155Nothing is so firmly believed as that which we least know. 37156 -- Michel de Montaigne 37157% 37158Nothing is so often irretrievably missed as a daily opportunity. 37159 -- Ebner-Eschenbach 37160% 37161Nothing lasts forever. 37162Where do I find nothing? 37163% 37164Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute. 37165% 37166Nothing makes one so vain as being told that one is a sinner. 37167Conscience makes egotists of us all. 37168 -- Oscar Wilde 37169% 37170Nothing matters very much, and few things matter at all. 37171 -- Arthur Balfour 37172% 37173Nothing motivates a man more than to 37174see his boss put in an honest day's work. 37175% 37176Nothing, nothing, nothing, no error, no crime is so absolutely 37177repugnant to God as everything which is official; and why? because 37178the official is so impersonal and therefore the deepest insult 37179which can be offered to a personality. 37180 -- S. A. Kierkegaard 37181% 37182Nothing recedes like success. 37183 -- Walter Winchell 37184% 37185Nothing shortens a journey so pleasantly as an account of misfortunes at 37186which the hearer is permitted to laugh. 37187 -- Quentin Crisp 37188% 37189Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits. 37190 -- Mark Twain 37191% 37192Nothing succeeds like success. 37193 -- Alexandre Dumas 37194% 37195Nothing succeeds like the appearance of success. 37196 -- Christopher Lascl 37197% 37198Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love. 37199 -- Charlie Brown 37200% 37201Nothing that's forced can ever be right, 37202If it doesn't come naturally, leave it. 37203That's what she said as she turned out the light, 37204And we bent our backs as slaves of the night, 37205Then she lowered her guard and showed me the scars 37206She got from trying to fight 37207Saying, oh, you'd better believe it. 37208[...] 37209Well nothing that's real is ever for free 37210And you just have to pay for it sometime. 37211She said it before, she said it to me, 37212I suppose she believed there was nothing to see, 37213But the same old four imaginary walls 37214She'd built for livin' inside 37215I said oh, you just can't mean it. 37216[...] 37217Well nothing that's forced can ever be right, 37218If it doesn't come naturally, leave it. 37219That's what she said as she turned out the light, 37220And she may have been wrong, and she may have been right, 37221But I woke with the frost, and noticed she'd lost 37222The veil that covered her eyes, 37223I said oh, you can leave it. 37224 -- Al Stewart, "If It Doesn't Come Naturally, Leave It" 37225% 37226Nothing will dispel enthusiasm like a small admission fee. 37227 -- Kin Hubbard 37228% 37229Nothing will ever be attempted 37230if all possible objections must be first overcome. 37231 -- Dr. Johnson 37232% 37233NOTICE: 37234 Anyone seen smoking will be assumed to be on fire and will 37235 be summarily put out. 37236% 37237NOTICE: 37238 37239-- THE ELEVATORS WILL BE OUT OF ORDER TODAY -- 37240 37241(The nearest working elevator is in the building across the street.) 37242% 37243Nouvelle cuisine, n: 37244 French for "not enough food". 37245 37246Continental breakfast, n: 37247 English for "not enough food". 37248 37249Tapas, n: 37250 Spanish for "not enough food". 37251 37252Dim Sum, n: 37253 Chinese for more food than you've ever seen in your entire life. 37254% 37255November, n.: 37256 The eleventh twelfth of a weariness. 37257 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 37258% 37259Novinson's Revolutionary Discovery: 37260 37261 When comes the revolution, things will be different -- 37262 not better, just different. 37263% 37264Now and then an innocent person is sent to the legislature. 37265% 37266Now hatred is by far the longest pleasure; 37267Men love in haste, but they detest at leisure. 37268 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron, "Don Juan" 37269% 37270Now I lay me back to sleep. 37271The speaker's dull; the subject's deep. 37272If he should stop before I wake, 37273Give me a nudge for goodness' sake. 37274 -- Anonymous 37275% 37276Now I lay me down to sleep 37277I pray the double lock will keep; 37278May no brick through the window break, 37279And, no one rob me till I awake. 37280% 37281Now I lay me down to sleep, 37282I pray the Lord my soul to keep, 37283If I should die before I wake, 37284I'll cry in anguish, "Mistake!! Mistake!!" 37285% 37286Now I lay me down to study, 37287I pray the Lord I won't go nutty. 37288And if I fail to learn this junk, 37289I pray the Lord that I won't flunk. 37290But if I do, don't pity me at all, 37291Just lay my bones in the study hall. 37292Tell my teacher I've done my best, 37293Then pile my books upon my chest. 37294% 37295Now is the time for all good men to come to. 37296 -- Walt Kelly 37297% 37298Now is the time for drinking; 37299now the time to beat the earth with unfettered foot. 37300 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 37301% 37302Now it's time to say goodbye 37303To all our company... 37304M-I-C (see you next week!) 37305K-E-Y (Why? Because we LIKE you!) 37306M-O-U-S-E. 37307% 37308Now of my threescore years and ten, 37309Twenty will not come again, 37310And take from seventy springs a score, 37311It leaves me only fifty more. 37312 37313And since to look at things in bloom 37314Fifty springs are little room, 37315About the woodlands I will go 37316To see the cherry hung with snow. 37317 -- A. E. Housman 37318% 37319Now that day wearies me, 37320My yearning desire 37321Will receive more kindly, 37322Like a tired child, the starry night. 37323 37324Hands, leave off your deeds, 37325Mind, forget all thoughts; 37326All of my forces 37327Yearn only to sink into sleep. 37328 37329And my soul, unguarded, 37330Would soar on widespread wings, 37331To live in night's magical sphere 37332More profoundly, more variously. 37333 -- Hermann Hesse, "Going to Sleep" 37334% 37335Now that you've read Fortune's diet truths, you'll be prepared the next 37336time some housewife or boutique-owner-turned-diet-expert appears on TV 37337to plug her latest book. And, if you still feel a twinge of guilt for 37338eating coffee cake while listening to her exhortations, ask yourself 37339the following questions: 37340 37341(1) Do I dare trust a person who actually considers alfalfa sprouts a 37342 food? 37343(2) Was the author's sole motive in writing this book to get rich 37344 exploiting the forlorn hopes of chubby people like me? 37345(3) Would a longer life be worthwhile if it had to be lived as 37346 prescribed ... without French-fried onion rings, pizza with 37347 double cheese, or the occasional Mai-Tai? (Remember, living 37348 right doesn't really make you live longer, it just *seems* like 37349 longer.) 37350 37351That, and another piece of coffee cake, should do the trick. 37352% 37353"Now the Lord God planted a garden East of Whittier in a place called 37354Yorba Linda, and out of the ground he made to grow orange trees that 37355were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ..." 37356 -- "The Begatting of a President" 37357% 37358Now there's a violent movie titled, "The Croquet Homicide," 37359or "Murder With Mallets Aforethought." 37360 -- Shelby Friedman, WSJ. 37361% 37362Now there's three things you can do in a baseball game: 37363you can win or you can lose or it can rain. 37364 -- Casey Stengel 37365% 37366"Now this is a totally brain damaged algorithm. Gag me with a 37367smurfette." 37368 -- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354 37369% 37370Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to get it 37371over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in the mall, 37372the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs on the mall 37373public-address system, and many of these songs can damage children 37374emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a snowman who 37375befriends some children, plays with them until they learn to love him, then 37376melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about a young reindeer who, 37377because of a physical deformity, is treated as an outcast by the other 37378reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does he ignore the deformity? 37379Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect Rudolph for the sensitive 37380reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as 37381if Rudolph were nothing more than some kind of headlight with legs and a 37382tail. So unless you want your children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, 37383you should shop quickly. 37384 -- Dave Barry 37385% 37386Nowlan's Theory: 37387 He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from 37388 the next freeway exit. 37389% 37390Now's the time to have some big ideas 37391Now's the time to make some firm decisions 37392We saw the Buddha in a bar down south 37393Talking politics and nuclear fission 37394We see him and he's all washed up -- 37395Moving on into the body of a beetle 37396Getting ready for a long long crawl 37397He ain't nothing -- he ain't nothing at all... 37398 37399Death and Money make their point once more 37400In the shape of Philosophical assassins 37401Mark and Danny take the bus uptown 37402Deadly angels for reality and passion 37403Have the courage of the here and now 37404Don't taking nothing from the half-baked buddhas 37405When you think you got it paid in full 37406You got nothing -- you got nothing at all... 37407 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha. 37408 We know his name and he mustn't get away. 37409 We're on the road and we're gunning for the Buddha. 37410 It would take one shot -- to blow him away... 37411 -- Shriekback, "Gunning for the Buddha" 37412% 37413Nuclear powered vacuum cleaners will probably be a reality within 10 years. 37414 -- Alex Lewyt (President of the Lewyt Corporation, 37415 manufacturers of vacuum cleaners), quoted in The New York 37416 Times, June 10, 1955. 37417% 37418[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable. 37419 -- Edwin Meese III 37420% 37421"Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile." 37422 -- Karl Lehenbauer 37423% 37424"Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of 37425normal routines, for children and adults alike." 37426 -- Willard F. Libby, "You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack" 37427% 37428"Nuclear war would really set back cable." 37429 -- Ted Turner 37430% 37431Nudists are people who wear one-button suits. 37432% 37433Nuke the unborn gay female whales for Jesus. 37434% 37435Nuke them till they glow, then shoot them in the dark. 37436% 37437(null cookie; hope that's ok) 37438% 37439Nullum magnum ingenium sine mixtura dementiae fuit. 37440 -- Seneca 37441% 37442Numeric stability is probably not all that important when you're 37443guessing. 37444% 37445Nurse Donna: Oh, Groucho, I'm afraid I'm gonna wind up an old maid. 37446Groucho: Well, bring her in and we'll wind her up together. 37447Nurse Donna: Do you believe in computer dating? 37448Groucho: Only if the computers really love each other. 37449% 37450Nusbaum's Rule: 37451 The more pretentious the corporate name, the smaller the 37452 organization. (For instance, the Murphy Center for the 37453 Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted 37454 to IBM, GM, and AT&T.) 37455% 37456O! If I were a fish 37457I'd lay hap'ly on my dish. 37458Yes, that's my one and only wish -- 37459To be a fish! 37460 37461For fish don't ever mish; 37462They needn't flush after they pish! 37463Yes, and life's just swish, swish, swish, 37464For all the fish!!! 37465% 37466O give me a home, 37467Where the buffalo roam, 37468Where the deer and the antelope play, 37469Where seldom is heard 37470A discouraging word, 37471'Cause what can an antelope say? 37472% 37473O imitators, you slavish herd! 37474 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 37475% 37476O, it is excellent 37477To have a giant's strength; but it is tyrannous 37478To use it like a giant. 37479 -- William Shakespeare, "Measure for Measure", II, 2 37480% 37481O Lord, grant that we may always be right, 37482for Thou knowest we will never change our minds. 37483% 37484O love, could thou and I with fate conspire 37485To grasp this sorry scheme of things entire, 37486Might we not smash it to bits 37487And mould it closer to our hearts' desire? 37488 -- Omar Khayyam, tr. Fitzgerald 37489% 37490Oatmeal raisin. 37491% 37492Objects are lost only because people 37493look where they are not rather than where they are. 37494% 37495O'Brian's Law: 37496 Everything is always done for the wrong reasons. 37497% 37498O'Brien held up his left hand, its back toward Winston, with the 37499thumb hidden and the four fingers extended. 37500 "How many fingers am I holding up, Winston?" 37501 "Four." 37502 "And if the Party says that it is not four but five -- 37503 then how many?" 37504 "Four." 37505 The word ended in a gasp of pain. 37506 -- George Orwell 37507% 37508Observe yon plumed biped fine. 37509To activate its captivation, 37510Deposit on its termination, 37511A quantity of particles saline. 37512% 37513Obstacles are what you see when you take your eyes off your goal. 37514% 37515"Obviously, a major malfunction has occurred." 37516 -- Steve Nesbitt, voice of Mission Control, January 28, 37517 1986, as the shuttle Challenger exploded within view 37518 of the grandstands. 37519% 37520Obviously the only rational solution to your problem is suicide. 37521% 37522OCCAM'S ERASER: 37523 The philosophical principle that even the simplest 37524 solution is bound to have something wrong with it. 37525% 37526Occident, n.: 37527 The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient. It is 37528 largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the 37529 Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, 37530 which they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, 37531 are the principal industries of the Orient. 37532 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 37533% 37534OCEAN: 37535 A body of water occupying about two-thirds 37536 of a world made for man -- who has no gills. 37537% 37538Odets, where is thy sting? 37539 -- George S. Kaufman 37540% 37541Of all forms of caution, caution in love is the most fatal. 37542% 37543Of all men's miseries, the bitterest is this: 37544to know so much and have control over nothing. 37545 -- Herodotus 37546% 37547Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the 37548reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest 37549amount of hot air. 37550 -- Thomas L. Martin 37551% 37552Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable. 37553 -- Plato 37554% 37555Of all the words of witch's doom 37556There's none so bad as which and whom. 37557The man who kills both which and whom 37558Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom. 37559 -- Fletcher Knebel 37560% 37561Of all things man is the measure. 37562 -- Protagoras 37563% 37564Of course a platonic relationship is possible -- but only between 37565husband and wife. 37566% 37567Of course it's possible to love a human being 37568if you don't know them too well. 37569 -- Charles Bukowski 37570% 37571"Of ______course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a 37572fake?" 37573% 37574"Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power 37575tools aren't soluble in alcohol ..." 37576 -- Crazy Nigel 37577% 37578Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy. 37579% 37580Of course you can't flap your arms and fly to the moon. 37581After awhile you'd run out of air to push against. 37582% 37583Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose. 37584% 37585Of what you see in books, believe 75%. Of newspapers, believe 50%. 37586And of TV news, believe 25% -- make that 5% if the anchorman wears a 37587blazer. 37588% 37589Office Automation, n.: 37590 The use of computers to improve efficiency in the office 37591 by removing anyone you would want to talk with over coffee. 37592% 37593Official Project Stages: 37594 1. Uncritical Acceptance 37595 2. Wild Enthusiasm 37596 3. Dejected Disillusionment 37597 4. Total Confusion 37598 5. Search for the Guilty 37599 6. Punishment of the Innocent 37600 7. Promotion of the Non-participants 37601% 37602Often statistics are used as a drunken man uses 37603lampposts -- for support rather than illumination. 37604% 37605Often things ARE as bad as they seem! 37606% 37607Ogden's Law: 37608 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch 37609up. 37610% 37611Oh, Aunty Em, it's so good to be home! 37612% 37613Oh, by the way, which one's Pink? 37614 -- Pink Floyd 37615% 37616Oh Dad! We're ALL Devo! 37617% 37618Oh don't the days seem lank and long 37619 When all goes right and none goes wrong, 37620And isn't your life extremely flat 37621 With nothing whatever to grumble at! 37622% 37623Oh Father, my Father, Oh what must I do? 37624They're burning our streets and beating me blue. 37625"Listen my son, I'll tell you the truth: 37626Get a close haircut and spit-shine your shoes." 37627 37628Oh Mother, my Mother, my confusions remove, 37629I long to embrace her whose hair is so smooth. 37630"Now listen my son, although you're confused, 37631Cut your hair close and shine all your shoes." 37632 37633Oh Teacher, my Teacher, your life with me share. 37634What books ought I read? What thoughts do I dare? 37635"Oh Student, my Student, of dissent you beware. 37636Shine those dull shoes and cut short your hair." 37637 37638Oh Preacher, my Preacher, does God really care? 37639Are all races equal? Are laws just and fair? 37640"Boy -- here's the answer, no need to despair: 37641Shine those new shoes and cut short that hair." 37642% 37643Oh freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me 37644As plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee. 37645Groop I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes, 37646And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles, 37647Or I will rend thee in the goblerwarts with my blurglecruncheon, 37648 see if I don't. 37649 -- Prostetnic Vogon Jeltz 37650% 37651Oh, give me a home, 37652Where the buffalo roam, 37653And I'll show you a house with a really messy kitchen. 37654% 37655Oh, give me a locus where the gravitons focus 37656 Where the three-body problem is solved, 37657 Where the microwaves play down at three degrees K, 37658 And the cold virus never evolved. (chorus) 37659We eat algae pie, our vacuum is high, 37660 Our ball bearings are perfectly round. 37661 Our horizon is curved, our warheads are MIRVed, 37662 And a kilogram weighs half a pound. (chorus) 37663If we run out of space for our burgeoning race 37664 No more Lebensraum left for the Mensch 37665 When we're ready to start, we can take Mars apart, 37666 If we just find a big enough wrench. (chorus) 37667I'm sick of this place, it's just McDonald's in space, 37668 And living up here is a bore. 37669 Tell the shiggies, "Don't cry," they can kiss me goodbye 37670 'Cause I'm moving next week to L4! (chorus) 37671 37672CHORUS: Home, home on LaGrange, 37673 Where the space debris always collects, 37674 We possess, so it seems, two of Man's greatest dreams: 37675 Solar power and zero-gee sex. 37676 -- to Home on the Range 37677% 37678Oh give me your pity! 37679I'm on a committee, We attend and amend 37680Which means that from morning And contend and defend 37681 to night, Without a conclusion in sight. 37682 37683We confer and concur, 37684We defer and demur, We revise the agenda 37685And reiterate all of our thoughts. With frequent addenda 37686 And consider a load of reports. 37687 37688We compose and propose, 37689We suppose and oppose, But though various notions 37690And the points of procedure are fun; Are brought up as motions, 37691 There's terribly little gets done. 37692 37693We resolve and absolve; 37694But we never dissolve, 37695Since it's out of the question for us 37696To bring our committee 37697To end like this ditty, 37698Which stops with a period, thus. 37699 -- Leslie Lipson, "The Committee" 37700% 37701"Oh, he [a big dog] hunts with papa," she said. "He says Don Carlos [the 37702dog] is good for almost every kind of game. He went duck hunting one time 37703and did real well at it. Then Papa bought some ducks, not wild ducks but, 37704you know, farm ducks. And it got Don Carlos all mixed up. Since the 37705ducks were always around the yard with nobody shooting at them he knew he 37706wasn't supposed to kill them, but he had to do something. So one morning 37707last spring, when the ground was still soft, he took all the ducks and 37708buried them." "What do you mean, buried them?" "Oh, he didn't hurt them. 37709He dug little holes all over the yard and picked up the ducks in his mouth 37710and put them in the holes. Then he covered them up with mud except for 37711their heads. He did thirteen ducks that way and was digging a hole for 37712another one when Tony found him. We talked about it for a long time. Papa 37713said Don Carlos was afraid the ducks might run away, and since he didn't 37714know how to build a cage he put them in holes. He's a smart dog." 37715 -- R. Bradford, "Red Sky At Morning" 37716% 37717Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay 37718 I muck with indices and structs all day 37719And when it works, I shout hoo-ray 37720 Oh, I am a C programmer and I'm okay 37721% 37722Oh, I am just a typical American boy 37723From a typical American town. 37724I believe in God and Senator Dodd 37725And keeping old Castro down. 37726And when it came my time to serve 37727I knew better dead than red, 37728But when I got to my old draft board, 37729Buddy this is what I said: 37730 37731Sarge I'm only 18, I got a ruptured spleen 37732And I always carry a purse; 37733I got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat 37734And my asthma's getting worse. 37735Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear 37736And my poor old invalid aunt; 37737Besides I ain't no fool I'm going to school 37738And I'm working in a defense plant. 37739 -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag" 37740% 37741Oh, I could while away the hours, 37742Smoking herbs and flowers, 37743Shooting up my veins, 37744 De-dum, De-dum, De-dum 37745Tell you, I've been a-thinkin' 37746I could drive a shiny Lincoln, 37747If I dealt in good cocaine. 37748 -- To `If I Only Had A Brain' from "The Wizard of Oz" 37749% 37750Oh, I don't blame Congress. If I had $600 billion at my disposal, I'd 37751be irresponsible, too. 37752 -- Lichty & Wagner 37753% 37754Oh, I have slipped the surly bonds of earth, 37755And danced the skies on laughter silvered wings; 37756Sunward I've climbed and joined the tumbling mirth 37757Of sun-split clouds and done a hundred things 37758You have not dreamed of -- 37759Wheeled and soared and swung 37760High in the sunlit silence. 37761Hovering there 37762I've chased the shouting wind along and flung 37763My eager craft through footless halls of air. 37764Up, up along delirious, burning blue 37765I've topped the wind-swept heights with easy grace, 37766Where never lark, or even eagle flew; 37767And, while with silent, lifting mind I've trod 37768The high untrespassed sanctity of space, 37769Put out my hand, and touched the face of God. 37770 -- John Gillespie Magee Jr., "High Flight" 37771% 37772Oh I'm just a typical American boy 37773From a typical American town. 37774I believe in God and Senator Dodd 37775And keeping old Castro down. 37776And when it came my time to serve 37777I knew "Better Dead Than Red", 37778But when I got to my old draft board, 37779Buddy, this is what I said: 37780 37781Chorus: 37782 Sarge, I'm only eighteen, I've got a ruptured spleen, 37783 And I always carry a purse! 37784 I've got eyes like a bat and my feet are flat, 37785 And my asthma's getting worse! 37786 Yes, think of my career and my sweetheart dear, 37787 And my poor old invalid aunt! 37788 Besides I ain't no fool, I'm a-going to school 37789 And I'm a-working in a defense plant! 37790 -- Phil Ochs, "Draft Dodger Rag" 37791% 37792Oh Lord, won't you buy me a 4BSD? 37793My friends all got sources, so why can't I see? 37794Come all you moby hackers, come sing it out with me: 37795To hell with the lawyers from AT&T! 37796% 37797Oh, love is real enough, you will find it some day, but it has one 37798arch-enemy -- and that is life. 37799 -- Jean Anouilh, "Ardele" 37800% 37801Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts -- 37802it's what you do with what you have left. 37803 -- Hubert H. Humphrey 37804% 37805Oh, so there you are! 37806% 37807Oh, the Slithery Dee, he crawled out of the sea. 37808He may catch all the others, but he won't catch me. 37809No, he won't catch me, stupid ol' Slithery Dee. 37810He may catch all the others, but AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!! 37811 -- The Smothers Brothers 37812% 37813Oh this age! How tasteless and ill-bred it is. 37814 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus 37815% 37816Oh wearisome condition of humanity! 37817Born under one law, to another bound. 37818 -- Fulke Greville, Lord Brooke 37819% 37820Oh, well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. 37821% 37822Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive. 37823 -- William Shakespeare 37824% 37825Oh, when I was in love with you, 37826 Then I was clean and brave, 37827And miles around the wonder grew 37828 How well did I behave. 37829 37830And now the fancy passes by, 37831 And nothing will remain, 37832And miles around they'll say that I 37833 Am quite myself again. 37834 -- A. E. Housman 37835% 37836Oh, wow! Look at the moon! 37837% 37838Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me 'Johnson'! Well, you can call me 'Ray', or 37839you can call me 'Jay', or you can call me 'R. J.', or you can call me 'Ray 37840J.', or you can call me 'R. J. J.', or you can call me 'Ray J. Johnson', or 37841you can call me 'R. J. Johnson', but ya DOESN'T have to call me 'Johnson'... 37842% 37843Oh yeah? Well, I remember when sex was dirty and the air was clean. 37844% 37845Oh, yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill of livin' is gone. 37846 -- John Cougar, "Jack and Diane" 37847% 37848O.K., fine. 37849% 37850"OK, now let's look at four dimensions on the blackboard." 37851 -- Dr. Joy 37852% 37853OK, so you're a Ph.D. Just don't touch anything. 37854% 37855Okay, Okay -- I admit it. You didn't change that program that worked 37856just a little while ago; I inserted some random characters into the 37857executable. Please forgive me. You can recover the file by typing in 37858the code over again, since I also removed the source. 37859% 37860Old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill. 37861% 37862Old age is always fifteen years old than I am. 37863 -- B. Baruch 37864% 37865Old age is the harbor of all ills. 37866 -- Bion 37867% 37868Old age is the most unexpected of things that can happen to a man. 37869 -- Trotsky 37870% 37871Old age is too high a price to pay for maturity. 37872% 37873Old Grandad is dead but his spirits live on. 37874% 37875Old Japanese proverb: 37876 There are two kinds of fools -- those who never climb Mt. Fuji, 37877and those who climb it twice. 37878% 37879Old MacDonald had an agricultural real estate tax abatement. 37880% 37881Old mail has arrived. 37882% 37883Old men are fond of giving good advice to console 37884themselves for their inability to set a bad example. 37885 -- La Rochefoucauld, "Maxims" 37886% 37887Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard 37888To fetch her poor daughter a dress. 37889When she got there, the cupboard was bare 37890And so was her daughter, I guess... 37891% 37892Old musicians never die, they just decompose. 37893% 37894Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address. 37895% 37896Old programmers never die, they just become managers. 37897% 37898Old programmers never die, they just hit account block limit. 37899% 37900Old soldiers never die. Young ones do. 37901% 37902Old timer, n: 37903 One who remembers when charity was a virtue and not an organization. 37904% 37905Oliver's Law: 37906 Experience is something you don't get until just after you need 37907it. 37908% 37909omnibiblious, adj.: 37910 Indifferent to type of drink. Ex: "Oh, you can get me anything. 37911 I'm omnibiblious." 37912% 37913OMNIVERSAL AWARENESS?? Oh, YEH!! First you need four GALLONS of 37914JELL-O and a BIG WRENCH!! ... I think you drop th' WRENCH in the JELL-O 37915as if it was a FLAVOR, or an INGREDIENT ... or ... I ... um ... 37916WHERE'S the WASHING MACHINES? 37917% 37918On a clear day, U.C.L.A. 37919% 37920On a clear disk you can seek forever. 37921 -- P. Denning 37922% 37923On a paper submitted by a physicist colleague: 37924 37925"This isn't right. This isn't even wrong." 37926 -- Wolfgang Pauli 37927% 37928On a tous un peu peur de l'amour, mais on 37929a surtout peur de souffrir ou de faire souffrir. 37930 37931[One is always a little afraid of love, but 37932above all, one is afraid of pain or causing pain.] 37933% 37934On ability: 37935 A dwarf is small, even if he stands on a mountain top; 37936 a colossus keeps his height, even if he stands in a well. 37937 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca, 4BC - 65AD 37938% 37939On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only 37940nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter 37941what it does. 37942 -- Will Rogers 37943% 37944On his way back from work, a driver came upon a horrible wreck in which one 37945car looked exactly like his neighbor's. Stopping hurriedly on the side of 37946the road, he ran toward the smoldering debris. 37947 "Listen, mister," a policeman said, holding him back, "I can't let 37948you come any closer." 37949 "But that may be my friend, Henry, in there," the anguished man 37950explained. 37951 "OK, but it's pretty grisly," the cop cautioned. "There was a 37952decapitation." 37953 The policeman reached into the back seat of the demolished car and 37954pulled forth the head, holding it at arm's length. "Is this your friend?" 37955 "That's not him -- thank heavens," the man said. "Henry's much 37956taller." 37957% 37958On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are 37959created jerks. 37960 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" 37961% 37962On Thanksgiving Day all over America, families sit down to dinner at the 37963same moment -- halftime. 37964% 37965On the eighth day, God created FORTRAN. 37966% 37967On the night before her family moved from Kansas to California, the little 37968girl knelt by her bed to say her prayers. "God bless Mommy and Daddy and 37969Keith and Kim," she said. As she began to get up, she quickly added, "Oh, 37970and God, this is goodbye. We're moving to Hollywood." 37971% 37972On the road, ZIPPY is a pinhead without a purpose, but never without a 37973POINT ... 37974% 37975On the subject of C program indentation: 37976 37977 "In My Egotistical Opinion, most people's C programs should be 37978 indented six feet downward and covered with dirt." 37979 -- Blair P. Houghton 37980% 37981On the whole, I'd rather be in Philadelphia. 37982 -- W. C. Fields' epitaph 37983% 37984"On two occasions I have been asked [by members of Parliament!], `Pray, 37985Mr. Babbage, if you put into the machine wrong figures, will the right 37986answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of 37987confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question." 37988 -- Charles Babbage 37989% 37990Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were 37991forced to live on nothing but food and water for days. 37992 -- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee" 37993% 37994Once a word has been allowed to escape, it cannot be recalled. 37995 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 37996% 37997Once, adv.: 37998 Enough. 37999 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 38000% 38001Once again dread deed is done. 38002Canon sleeps, 38003his all-knowing eye shaded 38004to human chance and circumstance. 38005Peace reigns anew o'er Pine Valley, 38006but Canon's sleep is troubled. 38007 38008Beware, scant days past the Ides of July. 38009Impatient hands wait eagerly 38010to grasp, to hold 38011scant moments of time 38012wrested from life in the full 38013glory of Canon's power; 38014held captive by his unblinking eye. 38015 38016Three golden orbs stand watch; 38017one each to toll the day, hour, minute 38018until predestiny decrees his reawakening. 38019When that feared moment arrives, 38020"Ask not for whom the bell tolls, 38021It tolls for thee." 38022 -- "I extended the loan on your Camera, at the Pine 38023 Valley Pawn Shop today" 38024% 38025Once Again From the Top 38026 38027Correction notice in the Miami Herald: "Last Sunday, The Herald erroneously 38028reported that original Dolphin Johnny Holmes had been an insurance salesman 38029in Raleigh, North Carolina, that he had won the New York lottery in 1982 and 38030lost the money in a land swindle, that he had been charged with vehicular 38031homicide, but acquitted because his mother said she drove the car, and that 38032he stated that the funniest thing he ever saw was Flipper spouting water on 38033George Wilson. Each of these items was erroneous material published 38034inadvertently. He was not an insurance salesman in Raleigh, did not win the 38035lottery, neither he nor his mother was charged or involved in any way with 38036vehicular homicide, and he made no comment about Flipper or George Wilson. 38037The Herald regrets the errors." 38038 -- "The Progressive", March, 1987 38039% 38040Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that 38041each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his 38042choice. 38043 38044In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians 38045called it "Christmas" and went to church; the Jews called it "Hanukkah" 38046and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People 38047passing each other on the street would say "Merry Christmas!" or "Happy 38048Hanukkah!" or (to the atheists) "Look out for the wall!" 38049 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 38050% 38051Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, 38052Sir, that you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease". 38053Disraeli replied, "That all depends upon whether I embrace your 38054principals or your mistress". 38055% 38056Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it. 38057 -- Homer 38058% 38059Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his 38060roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the 38061forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind 38062the railroad yards." 38063 -- H. L. Mencken, writing of William Jennings Bryan, 38064 counsel for the supporters of Tennessee's anti-evolution 38065 law at the Scopes "Monkey Trial" in 1925. 38066% 38067Once I finally figured out all of life's 38068answers, they changed the questions. 38069% 38070Once, I read that a man be never stronger 38071than when he truly realizes how weak he is. 38072 -- Jim Starlin, "Captain Marvel #31" 38073% 38074Once is happenstance, 38075Twice is coincidence, 38076Three times is enemy action. 38077 -- Auric Goldfinger 38078% 38079Once it hits the fan, the only rational choice is to 38080sweep it up, package it, and sell it as fertilizer. 38081% 38082Once Law was sitting on the bench 38083 And Mercy knelt a-weeping. 38084"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench! 38085 Nor come before me creeping. 38086Upon your knees if you appear, 38087'Tis plain you have no standing here." 38088 38089Then Justice came. His Honor cried: 38090 "YOUR states? -- Devil seize you!" 38091"Amica curiae," she replied -- 38092 "Friend of the court, so please you." 38093"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door -- 38094I never saw your face before!" 38095 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 38096% 38097Once the realization is accepted that even between the closest human 38098beings infinite distances continue to exist, a wonderful living side by 38099side can grow up, if they succeed in loving the distance between them 38100which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the 38101sky. 38102 -- Rainer Rilke 38103% 38104Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in. 38105 -- H. R. Haldeman 38106% 38107Once there was a little nerd who loved to read your mail, 38108And then yank back the i-access times to get hackers off his tail, 38109And once as he finished reading from the secretary's spool, 38110He wrote a rude rejection to her boyfriend (how uncool!) 38111And this as delivermail did work and he ran his backfstat, 38112He heard an awful crackling like rat fritters in hot fat, 38113And hard errors brought the system down 'fore he could even shout! 38114 And the bio bug'll bring yours down too, ef you don't watch out! 38115And once they was a little flake who'd prowl through the uulog, 38116And when he went to his blit that night to play at being god, 38117The ops all heard him holler, and they to the console dashed, 38118But when they did a ps -ut they found the system crashed! 38119Oh, the wizards adb'd the dumps and did the system trace, 38120And worked on the file system 'til the disk head was hot paste, 38121But all they ever found was this: "panic: never doubt", 38122 And the bio bug'll crash your box too, ef you don't watch out! 38123When the day is done and the moon comes out, 38124And you hear the printer whining and the rk's seems to count, 38125When the other desks are empty and their terminals glassy grey, 38126And the load is only 1.6 and you wonder if it'll stay, 38127You must mind the file protections and not snoop around, 38128 Or the bio bug'll getcha and bring the system down! 38129% 38130Once there was this conductor see, who had a bass problem. You see, during 38131a portion of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony in which there are no bass violin 38132parts, one of the bassists always passed a bottle of scotch around. So, 38133to remind himself that the basses usually required an extra cue towards the 38134end of the symphony, the conductor would fasten a piece of string around the 38135page of the score before the bass cue. As the basses grew more and more 38136inebriated, two of them fell asleep. The conductor grew quite nervous (he 38137was very concerned about the pitch) because it was the bottom of the ninth; 38138the score was tied and the basses were loaded with two out. 38139% 38140Once upon a time there... 38141% 38142Once upon a time there was a kingdom ruled by a great bear. The peasants 38143were not very rich, and one of the few ways to become at all wealthy was 38144to become a Royal Knight. This required an interview with the bear. If 38145the bear liked you, you were knighted on the spot. If not, the bear would 38146just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw. However, the family 38147of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful 38148sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable 38149possession. And the moral of the story is: 38150 38151The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that 38152hit you. 38153% 38154Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of 38155us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of 38156the smaller prime numbers. 38157 381582: The Odd Prime -- 38159 It's the only even prime, therefore it's odd. QED. 381603: The True Prime -- 38161 Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true." 3816231: The Arbitrary Prime -- 38163 Determined by unanimous unvote. We needed an arbitrary prime 38164 in case the prof asked for one, and so had an election. 91 38165 received the most votes (well, it *looks* prime) and 3+4i the 38166 next most. However, 31 was the only candidate to receive none 38167 at all. 38168 38169Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are 38170derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but 38171true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers. 38172% 38173Once upon this midnight incoherent, 38174While you pondered sentient and crystalline, 38175Over many a broken and subordinate 38176Volume of gnarly lore, 38177While I pestered, nearly singing, 38178Suddenly there came a hewing, 38179As of someone profusely skulking, 38180Skulking at my chamber door. 38181% 38182Once you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all. 38183% 38184Once you've tried to change the world you find 38185it's a whole bunch easier to change your mind. 38186% 38187One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least 38188somebody's listening. 38189 -- Franklin P. Jones 38190% 38191"One Architecture, One OS" also translates as "One Egg, One Basket". 38192% 38193"One basic notion underlying Usenet is that it is a cooperative." 38194 38195Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this. 38196The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame. 38197 -- Chuq Von Rospach 38198% 38199One Bell System - it sometimes works. 38200% 38201One Bell System - it used to work before they installed the Dimension! 38202% 38203One Bell System - it works. 38204% 38205One big pile is better than two little piles. 38206 -- Arlo Guthrie 38207% 38208One can never consent to creep when one feels an impulse to soar. 38209 -- Helen Keller 38210% 38211One can search the brain with a microscope and not find the 38212mind, and can search the stars with a telescope and not find God. 38213 -- J. Gustav White 38214% 38215One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing 38216how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette. 38217 -- Professor Charles P. Issawi 38218% 38219One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means. 38220% 38221One could not be a successful scientist without realizing that, in contrast 38222to the popular conception supported by newspapers and mothers of scientists, 38223a goodly number of scientists are not only narrow-minded and dull, but also 38224just stupid. 38225 -- J. D. Watson, "The Double Helix" 38226% 38227One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his 38228attic. He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in a cloud of 38229smoke. 38230 "Greetings, Mortal!" exclaims the genie, stretching and yawning, "For 38231releasing me I will grant you three wishes." 38232 The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I want Genghis Khan 38233resurrected. I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish 38234border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home." 38235 "No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie. "Your second wish?" 38236 "Hmmmm. I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite the 38237Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade, 38238and march back home." 38239 "But... well, all right! Your third wish?" 38240 "I want Genghis Khan resurrected. I want him to re-unite his ---" 38241 "OKOKOKOK! Right. Got it. Why do you want Genghis Khan to march 38242to Poland three times and never invade?" 38243 The old man smiles. "He has to pass through Russia six times." 38244% 38245One day President Reagan, Chairman Brezhnev, the Pope, and a boy scout were 38246flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of nowhere the plane 38247developed engine trouble and started to go down. Unfortunately, only three 38248parachutes could be found for the four passengers! Brezhnev grabbed one of 38249the parachutes and declared "Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers 38250revolution, my life must be spared." And he jumped out of the plane. Then 38251Reagan exclaimed "As leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the 38252world safe for democracy." And with that he too jumped to safety. Now if 38253you are following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that 38254there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The Pope 38255looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and productive 38256life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's hands." "That's 38257very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but there is no need. Reagan 38258just jumped out with my knapsack." 38259% 38260One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell 38261the truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald 38262announced, "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to 38263a question which will be put to him." Nasrudin was first in line. The 38264captain of the guard asked him, "Where are you going? Tell the truth 38265-- the alternative is death by hanging." "I am going," said Nasrudin, 38266"to be hanged on that gallows." "I don't believe you." "Very well, if 38267I have told a lie, then hang me!" "But that would make it the truth!" 38268"Exactly," said Nasrudin, "your truth." 38269% 38270One day this guy is finally fed up with his middle-class existence and 38271decides to do something about it. He calls up his best friend, who is a 38272mathematical genius. "Look," he says, "do you suppose you could find some 38273way mathematically of guaranteeing winning at the race track? We could 38274make a lot of money and retire and enjoy life." The mathematician thinks 38275this over a bit and walks away mumbling to himself. 38276 A week later his friend drops by to ask the genius if he's had any 38277success. The genius, looking a little bleary-eyed, replies, "Well, yes, 38278actually I do have an idea, and I'm reasonably sure that it will work, but 38279there a number of details to be figured out. 38280 After the second week the mathematician appears at his friend's house, 38281looking quite a bit rumpled, and announces, "I think I've got it! I still have 38282some of the theory to work out, but now I'm certain that I'm on the right 38283track." 38284 At the end of the third week the mathematician wakes his friend by 38285pounding on his door at three in the morning. He has dark circles under his 38286eyes. His hair hasn't been combed for many days. He appears to be wearing 38287the same clothes as the last time. He has several pencils sticking out from 38288behind his ears and an almost maniacal expression on his face. "WE CAN DO 38289IT! WE CAN DO IT!!" he shrieks. "I have discovered the perfect solution!! 38290And it's so EASY! First, we assume that horses are perfect spheres in simple 38291harmonic motion..." 38292% 38293One day, 38294A mad meta-poet, 38295With nothing to say, 38296Wrote a mad meta-poem 38297That started: "One day, 38298A mad meta-poet, 38299With nothing to say, 38300Wrote a mad meta-poem 38301That started: "One day, 38302[...] 38303sort of close". 38304Were the words that the poet, 38305Finally chose, 38306To bring his mad poem, 38307To some sort of close". 38308Were the words that the poet, 38309Finally chose, 38310To bring his mad poem, 38311To some sort of close". 38312% 38313One difference between a man and a machine is that a machine is quiet 38314when well oiled. 38315% 38316One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you. 38317 -- Larry Gelbart 38318% 38319One dusty July afternoon, somewhere around the turn of the century, Patrick 38320Malone was in Mulcahey's Bar, bending an elbow with the other street car 38321conductors from the Brooklyn Traction Company. While they were discussing the 38322merits of a local ring hero, the bar goes silent. Malone turns around to see 38323his wife, with a face grim as death, stalking to the bar. 38324 Slapping a four-bit piece down on the bar, she draws herself up to her 38325full five feet five inches and says to Mulcahey, "Give me what himself has 38326been havin' all these years." 38327 Mulcahey looks at Malone, who shrugs, and then back at Margaret Mary 38328Malone. He sets out a glass and pours her a triple shot of Rye. The bar is 38329totally silent as they watch the woman pick up the glass and knock back the 38330drink. She slams the glass down on the bar, gasps, shudders slightly, and 38331passes out; falling straight back, stiff as a board, saved from sudden contact 38332with the barroom floor by the ample belly of Seamus Fogerty. 38333 Sometime later, she comes to on the pool table, a jacket under her 38334head. Her bloodshot eyes fell upon her husband, who says, "And all these 38335years you've been thinkin' I've been enjoying meself." 38336% 38337One expresses well the love he does not feel. 38338 -- J. A. Karr 38339% 38340One family builds a wall, two families enjoy it. 38341% 38342One father is more than a hundred schoolmasters. 38343 -- George Herbert 38344% 38345One friend in a lifetime is much; two are many; three are hardly possible. 38346Friendship needs a certain parallelism of life, a community of thought, 38347a rivalry of aim. 38348 -- Henry Brook Adams 38349% 38350One girl can be pretty -- but a dozen are only a chorus. 38351 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Last Tycoon" 38352% 38353One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they 38354never have to stop and answer the phone. 38355% 38356One good suit is worth a thousand resumes. 38357% 38358One good thing about music, 38359Well, it helps you feel no pain. 38360So hit me with music; 38361Hit me with music now. 38362 -- Bob Marley, "Trenchtown Rock" 38363% 38364One good turn asketh another. 38365 -- John Heywood 38366% 38367One good turn deserves another. 38368 -- Gaius Petronius 38369% 38370One good turn usually gets most of the blanket. 38371% 38372One has to look out for engineers -- they begin with sewing machines 38373and end up with the atomic bomb. 38374 -- Marcel Pagnol 38375% 38376One hundred women are not worth a single testicle. 38377 -- Confucius 38378% 38379One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious. 38380 -- Chateaubriand (1768-1848) 38381% 38382One is often kept in the right road by a rut. 38383 -- Gustave Droz 38384% 38385One learns to itch where one can scratch. 38386 -- Ernest Bramah 38387% 38388ONE LIFE TO LIVE for ALL MY CHILDREN in 38389ANOTHER WORLD all THE DAYS OF OUR LIVES. 38390% 38391One man tells a falsehood, a hundred repeat it as true. 38392% 38393One man's brain plus one other will produce one half as many ideas as 38394one man would have produced alone. These two plus two more will 38395produce half again as many ideas. These four plus four more begin to 38396represent a creative meeting, and the ratio changes to one quarter as 38397many ... 38398 -- Anthony Chevins 38399% 38400One man's constant is another man's variable. 38401 -- A. J. Perlis 38402% 38403One man's folly is another man's wife. 38404 -- Helen Rowland 38405% 38406One man's "magic" is another man's engineering. 38407"Supernatural" is a null word. 38408% 38409One man's Mede is another man's Persian. 38410 -- George M. Cohan 38411% 38412One man's theology is another man's belly laugh. 38413% 38414One measure of friendship consists not in the number of things friends 38415can discuss, but in the number of things they need no longer mention. 38416 -- Clifton Fadiman 38417% 38418One meets his destiny often on the road he takes to avoid it. 38419% 38420One monk said to the other, "The fish has flopped out of the net! How 38421will it live?" The other said, "When you have gotten out of the net, 38422I'll tell you." 38423% 38424One must have a heart of stone to read the death of Little Nell by Dickens 38425without laughing. 38426 -- Oscar Wilde 38427% 38428One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people. 38429% 38430One nuclear bomb can ruin your whole day. 38431% 38432One of my less pleasant chores when I was young was to read the Bible 38433from one end to the other. Reading the Bible straight through is at 38434least 70 percent discipline, like learning Latin. But the good parts 38435are, of course, simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but 38436when He's good, nobody can touch Him. 38437 -- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan 1983 38438% 38439One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an 38440advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from 38441mathematics. 38442 -- N. Wiener 38443% 38444One of the disadvantages of having children is that they eventually get old 38445enough to give you presents they make at school. 38446 -- Robert Byrne 38447% 38448One of the large consolations for experiencing anything 38449unpleasant is the knowledge that one can communicate it. 38450 -- Joyce Carol Oates 38451% 38452One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to 38453do and always a clever thing to say. 38454 -- Will Durant 38455% 38456One of the major difficulties Trillian experienced in her relationship with 38457Zaphod was learning to distinguish between him pretending to be stupid just 38458to get people off their guard, pretending to be stupid because he couldn't 38459be bothered to think and wanted someone else to do it for him, pretending 38460to be so outrageously stupid to hide the fact that he actually didn't 38461understand what was going on, and really being genuinely stupid. He was 38462renowned for being quite clever and quite clearly was so -- but not all the 38463time, which obviously worried him, hence the act. He preferred people to be 38464puzzled rather than contemptuous. This above all appeared to Trillian to be 38465genuinely stupid, but she could no longer be bothered to argue about. 38466 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 38467% 38468One of the most overlooked advantages to computers is... If they do 38469foul up, there's no law against whacking them around a little. 38470 -- Joe Martin 38471% 38472One of the most striking differences between a 38473cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives. 38474 -- Mark Twain 38475% 38476One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God 38477create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "________somebody has to buy 38478retail." 38479 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 38480% 38481One of the pleasures of reading old letters is the knowledge that they 38482need no answer. 38483 -- George Gordon, Lord Byron 38484% 38485One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your 38486seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best 38487way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who 38488fainted in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become 38489disoriented and imagine they were in Topeka, Kansas. 38490% 38491One of the signs of Napoleon's greatness is the fact that he 38492once had a publisher shot. 38493 -- Siegfried Unseld 38494% 38495One of the worst of my many faults is that I'm too critical of myself. 38496% 38497One of your most ancient writers, a historian named Herodotus, tells of a 38498thief who was to be executed. As he was taken away he made a bargain with 38499the king: in one year he would teach the king's favorite horse to sing 38500hymns. The other prisoners watched the thief singing to the horse and 38501laughed. "You will not succeed," they told him. "No one can." 38502 To which the thief replied, "I have a year, and who knows what might 38503happen in that time. The king might die. The horse might die. I might die. 38504And perhaps the horse will learn to sing. 38505 -- "The Mote in God's Eye", Niven and Pournelle 38506% 38507One organism, one vote. 38508% 38509One Page Principle: 38510 A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch 38511paper cannot be understood. 38512 -- Mark Ardis 38513% 38514One person's error is another person's data. 38515% 38516One picture is worth 128K words. 38517% 38518One picture is worth more than ten thousand words. 38519 -- Chinese proverb 38520% 38521One pill makes you larger And if you go chasing rabbits 38522And, one pill makes you small. And you know you're going to fall. 38523And the ones that mother gives you, Tell 'em a hookah smoking caterpillar 38524Don't do anything at all. Has given you the call. 38525Go ask Alice Call Alice 38526When she's ten feet tall. When she was just small. 38527 38528When men on the chessboard When logic and proportion 38529Get up and tell you where to go. Have fallen sloppy dead, 38530And you've just had some kind of And the White Knight is talking 38531 mushroom backwards 38532And your mind is moving low. And the Red Queen's lost her head 38533Go ask Alice Remember what the dormouse said: 38534I think she'll know. Feed your head. 38535 Feed your head. 38536 Feed your head. 38537 -- Jefferson Airplane, "White Rabbit" 38538% 38539One planet is all you get. 38540% 38541One possible reason that things aren't going according to plan 38542is that there never was a plan in the first place. 38543% 38544One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could 38545manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that 38546they be installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's 38547say your congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding 38548study on how the French government handles diseases transmitted by 38549sherbet. Just when he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, 38550strapped around his waist, would inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus 38551rendering him too large to fit through the plane door. It could also 38552be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman proposed a law. ("Mr. 38553Speaker, people ask me, why should October be designated as Cuticle 38554Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.") This would save 38555millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public would violently 38556support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem is that 38557your potential market is very small: there are only around 500 members 38558of Congress, and some of them, such as House Speaker "Tip" O'Neil, are 38559already too large to fit on normal aircraft. 38560 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" 38561% 38562One reason why George Washington 38563Is held in such veneration: 38564He never blamed his problems 38565On the former Administration. 38566 -- George O. Ludcke 38567% 38568One seldom sees a monument to a committee. 38569% 38570One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry. 38571 -- Oscar Wilde 38572% 38573ONE SIZE FITS ALL: 38574 Doesn't fit anyone. 38575% 38576One small step for man, one giant stumble for mankind. 38577% 38578One thing about the past. 38579It's likely to last. 38580 -- Ogden Nash 38581% 38582ONE THING KIDS LIKE is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take 38583my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to a burned-out 38584warehouse. "Oh, oh," I said. "Disneyland burned down." He cried and 38585cried, but I think that deep down he thought it was a pretty good joke. 38586 38587I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty 38588late. 38589 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. 38590% 38591One thing the inventors can't seem to get the bugs out of is fresh 38592paint. 38593% 38594"One thing they don't tell you about doing experimental physics is that 38595sometimes you must work under adverse conditions ... like a state of 38596sheer terror." 38597 -- W. K. Hartmann 38598% 38599One thought driven home is better than three left on base. 38600% 38601One time the police stopped me for speeding. They said, "Don't you know the 38602speed limit is fifty-five miles an hour?" I said, "Yeah, I know, but I wasn't 38603going to be out that long." 38604 -- Steven Wright 38605% 38606One toke over the line, sweet Mary, 38607One toke over the line, 38608Sittin' downtown in a railway station, 38609One toke over the line. 38610Waitin' for the train that goes home, 38611Hopin' that the train is on time, 38612Sittin' downtown in a railway station, 38613One toke over the line. 38614% 38615One way to make your old car run better is to look up the price of a 38616new model. 38617% 38618One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him. 38619% 38620One, with God, is always a majority, but many a martyr has been burned 38621at the stake while the votes were being counted. 38622 -- Thomas B. Reed 38623% 38624One would like to stroke and caress human beings, but one dares not do so, 38625because they bite. 38626 -- Vladimir Lenin 38627% 38628One-Shot Case Study, n.: 38629 The scientific equivalent of the four-leaf clover, from which 38630it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes 38631green. 38632% 38633On-line: 38634 The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a computer. 38635% 38636On-line, adj.: 38637 The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a 38638computer. 38639% 38640Only a fool has no doubts. 38641% 38642Only a mediocre person is always at his best. 38643 -- Laurence Peter 38644% 38645Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps. 38646% 38647Only fools are quoted. 38648 -- Anonymous 38649% 38650Only God can make random selections. 38651% 38652Only great masters of style can succeed in being obtuse. 38653 -- Oscar Wilde 38654 38655Most UNIX programmers are great masters of style. 38656 -- The Unnamed Usenetter 38657% 38658Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four 38659essential food groups -- alcohol, caffeine, sugar, and fat. 38660 -- Alex Levine 38661 38662[Oh come on, everybody knows that the four basic food groups are 38663hot sugar, cold sugar, carbohydrates and grease. Ed.] 38664% 38665Only kings, presidents, editors, and people with tapeworms have the right 38666to use the editorial "we". 38667% 38668Only someone with nothing to be sorry for 38669smiles back at the rear of an elephant. 38670% 38671Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying. 38672 -- Baba Ram Dass 38673% 38674Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by 38675placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer," 38676and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn 38677food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours 38678unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS 38679and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a 38680modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power 38681that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations. Hail, 38682postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of 38683the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum. The force is with you -- at 110 volts. 38684May your RAMS be fruitful and multiply. 38685 -- Curt Suplee, "Smithsonian", 4/83 38686% 38687Only the hypocrite is really rotten to the core. 38688 -- Hannah Arendt 38689% 38690Only those who leisurely approach that which the masses are 38691busy about can be busy about that which the masses take leisurely. 38692 -- Lao Tsu 38693% 38694Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer. 38695% 38696Only two groups of people fall for flattery -- men and women. 38697% 38698Only two kinds of witnesses exist. The first live in a neighborhood where 38699a crime has been committed and in no circumstances have ever seen anything 38700or even heard a shot. The second category are the neighbors of anyone who 38701happens to be accused of the crime. These have always looked out of their 38702windows when the shot was fired, and have noticed the accused person standing 38703peacefully on his balcony a few yards away. 38704 -- Sicilian police officer 38705% 38706Only two of my personalities are schizophrenic, but one 38707of them is paranoid and the other one is out to get him. 38708% 38709Only way to open lips of pigeon, sledgehammer. 38710% 38711Ontogeny recapitulates phylogeny. 38712% 38713Onward through the fog. 38714% 38715Operator, please trace this call and tell me where I am. 38716% 38717Opiates are the religion of the upper-middle classes. 38718 -- Debbie VanDam 38719% 38720Opium is very cheap considering you don't 38721feel like eating for the next six days. 38722 -- Taylor Mead, famous transvestite 38723% 38724Oppernockity tunes but once. 38725% 38726Opportunities are usually disguised as hard 38727work, so most people don't recognize them. 38728% 38729Oprah Winfrey has an incredible talent for getting the weirdest people to 38730talk to. And you just HAVE to watch it. "Blind, masochistic minority, 38731crippled, depressed, government latrine diggers, and the women who love 38732them too much on the next Oprah Winfrey." 38733% 38734Optimism is the content of small men in high places. 38735 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, "The Crack Up" 38736% 38737Optimism, n: 38738The belief that everything is beautiful, including what is ugly, good, bad, 38739and everything right that is wrong. It is held with greatest tenacity by 38740those accustomed to falling into adversity, and most acceptably expounded 38741with the grin that apes a smile. Being a blind faith, it is inaccessible 38742to the light of disproof -- an intellectual disorder, yielding to no treatment 38743but death. It is hereditary, but not contagious. 38744% 38745Optimist, n.: 38746 A bagpiper with a beeper. 38747% 38748Optimist, n.: 38749 A proponent of the belief that black is white. 38750 38751 A pessimist asked God for relief. 38752 "Ah, you wish me to restore your hope and cheerfulness," said God. 38753 "No," replied the petitioner, "I wish you to create something that 38754would justify them." 38755 "The world is all created," said God, "but you have overlooked 38756something -- the mortality of the optimist." 38757 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 38758% 38759Optimist, n.: 38760 Someone who goes down to the marriage 38761 bureau to see if his license has expired. 38762% 38763Optimization hinders evolution. 38764% 38765Or you or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were you. 38766I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare yours, but 38767we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the company. 38768 -- J. Wellington Wells 38769% 38770Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail. 38771 -- Germaine Greer 38772% 38773Orcs really aren't so bad (if you use lots of catsup). 38774% 38775Order and simplification are the first steps toward 38776mastery of a subject -- the actual enemy is the unknown. 38777 -- Thomas Mann 38778% 38779Oregano, n.: 38780 The ancient Italian art of pizza folding. 38781% 38782Oregon, n.: 38783 Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday 38784night. 38785% 38786O'Reilly's Law of the Kitchen: 38787Cleanliness is next to impossible 38788% 38789Oreo 38790% 38791Organic chemistry is the chemistry of carbon compounds. Biochemistry 38792is the study of carbon compounds that crawl. 38793 -- Mike Adams 38794% 38795Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born 38796to people you could not have possibly met. 38797 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 38798% 38799Osborn's Law: 38800 Variables won't; constants aren't. 38801% 38802Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how did you like the play? 38803% 38804Other women cloy 38805The appetites they feed, but she makes hungry 38806Where most she satisfies. 38807 -- Antony and Cleopatra 38808% 38809Others can stop you temporarily, only you can do it permanently. 38810% 38811Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your nails. 38812% 38813O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law: 38814 Murphy was an optimist. 38815% 38816Ouch! That felt good! 38817 -- Karen Gordon 38818% 38819"Our attitude with TCP/IP is, `Hey, we'll do it, but don't make a big 38820system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'" 38821 38822"TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make 38823any difference if it takes a while to fix it." 38824 -- Ken Olsen, in Digital News, 1988 38825% 38826Our business in life is not to succeed 38827but to continue to fail in high spirits. 38828 -- Robert Louis Stevenson 38829% 38830Our congratulations go to a Burlington Vermont civilian employee of the 38831local Army National Guard base. He recently received a substantial cash 38832award from our government for inventing a device for optical scanning. 38833His device reportedly will save the government more than $6 million a year 38834by replacing a more expensive helicopter maintenance tool with his own, 38835home-made, hand-held model. 38836 38837Not surprisingly, we also have a couple of money-saving ideas that we submit 38838to the Pentagon free of charge: 38839 38840 a. Don't kill anybody. 38841 b. Don't build things that do. 38842 c. And don't pay other people to kill anybody. 38843 38844We expect annual savings to be in the billions. 38845 -- Sojourners 38846% 38847Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is 38848they charge fifteen cents for them. 38849% 38850Our documentation manager was showing her 2 year old son around the office. 38851He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we were both 38852holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of juice. But only 38853*he* had a lollipop. 38854 He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?" 38855 Her reply: "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's 38856what it means to be a programmer." 38857% 38858Our documentation manager was showing her two year old son around the 38859office. He was introduced to me, at which time he pointed out that we 38860were both holding bags of popcorn. We were both holding bottles of 38861juice. But only *__he* had a lollipop. 38862 38863He asked his mother, "Why doesn't HE have a lollipop?" 38864 38865Her reply: 38866 38867 "He can have a lollipop any time he wants to. That's what it 38868 means to be a programmer." 38869% 38870Our houseplants have a good sense of humous. 38871% 38872Our informal mission is to improve the love life of operators worldwide. 38873 -- Peter Behrendt, president of Exabyte 38874% 38875Our little systems have their day; 38876They have their day and cease to be; 38877They are but broken lights of thee. 38878 -- Tennyson 38879% 38880Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name. 38881 Thy programs run, thy syscalls done, 38882 In kernel as it is in user! 38883% 38884Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict. They didn't want us 38885to grow up to be spoiled and rich. If we left our tennis racquets in the 38886rain, we were punished. 38887 -- Nancy Ellis (George Bush's sister), in the New Republic 38888% 38889Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing. 38890 -- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries 38891% 38892Our problems are so serious that the best 38893way to talk about them is lightheartedly. 38894% 38895Our sires' age was worse that our grandsires'. 38896We their sons are more worthless than they: 38897so in our turn we shall give the world a progeny yet more corrupt. 38898 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 38899% 38900Our swords shall play the orators for us. 38901 -- Christopher Marlowe 38902% 38903Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding, 38904In all of the directions it can whiz; 38905As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know, 38906Twelve million miles a minute and that's the fastest speed there is. 38907So remember, when you're feeling very small and insecure, 38908How amazingly unlikely is your birth; 38909And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere out in space, 38910'Cause there's bugger all down here on Earth! 38911 -- Monty Python 38912% 38913"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it." 38914 -- Alex Schure 38915% 38916Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. 38917 -- General Omar N. Bradley 38918% 38919Ours is a world where people don't know what they 38920want and are willing to go through hell to get it. 38921% 38922Out of sight is out of mind. 38923 -- Arthur Clough 38924% 38925Out of the crooked timber of humanity no straight thing can ever be made. 38926 -- Immanuel Kant 38927% 38928Out of the mouths of babes does often come cereal. 38929% 38930"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog, 38931it's too dark to read." 38932 -- Groucho Marx 38933% 38934Over the shoulder supervision is more a 38935need of the manager than the programming task. 38936% 38937Over the years, I've developed my sense of deja vu so acutely that now 38938I can remember things that *have* happened before ... 38939% 38940Overall, the philosophy is to attack the availability problem from two 38941complementary directions: to reduce the number of software errors through 38942rigorous testing of running systems, and to reduce the effect of the remaining 38943errors by providing for recovery from them. An interesting footnote to this 38944design is that now a system failure can usually be considered to be the 38945result of two program errors: the first, in the program that started the 38946problem; the second, in the recovery routine that could not protect the 38947system. 38948 -- A. L. Scherr, "Functional Structure of IBM Virtual Storage 38949 Operating Systems, Part II: OS/VS-2 Concepts and 38950 Philosophies," IBM Systems Journal, Vol. 12, No. 4. 38951% 38952Overconfidence breeds error when we take for granted that the game will 38953continue on its normal course; when we fail to provide for an unusually 38954powerful resource -- a check, a sacrifice, a stalemate. Afterwards the 38955victim may wail, `But who could have dreamt of such an idiotic-looking 38956move?' 38957 -- Fred Reinfeld, "The Complete Chess Course" 38958% 38959Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! 38960% 38961Overflow on /dev/null: please empty the bit bucket. 38962% 38963Overheard: 38964 "How do I feel? Great! And I kiss pretty good, too!" 38965% 38966Overload -- core meltdown sequence initiated. 38967% 38968Owe no man any thing... 38969 -- Romans 13:8 38970% 38971Oxygen is a very toxic gas and an extreme fire hazard. It is fatal in 38972concentrations of as little as 0.000001 p.p.m. Humans exposed to the 38973oxygen concentrations die within a few minutes. Symptoms resemble very 38974much those of cyanide poisoning (blue face, etc.). In higher 38975concentrations, e.g. 20%, the toxic effect is somewhat delayed and it 38976takes about 2.5 billion inhalations before death takes place. The reason 38977for the delay is the difference in the mechanism of the toxic effect of 38978oxygen in 20% concentration. It apparently contributes to a complex 38979process called aging, of which very little is known, except that it is 38980always fatal. 38981 38982However, the main disadvantage of the 20% oxygen concentration is in the 38983fact it is habit forming. The first inhalation (occurring at birth) is 38984sufficient to make oxygen addiction permanent. After that, any 38985considerable decrease in the daily oxygen doses results in death with 38986symptoms resembling those of cyanide poisoning. 38987 38988Oxygen is an extreme fire hazard. All of the fires that were reported in 38989the continental U.S. for the period of the past 25 years were found to be 38990due to the presence of this gas in the atmosphere surrounding the buildings 38991in question. 38992 38993Oxygen is especially dangerous because it is odorless, colorless and 38994tasteless, so that its presence can not be readily detected until it is 38995too late. 38996 -- Chemical & Engineering News February 6, 1956 38997% 38998Ozman's Laws: 38999 (1) If someone says he will do something "without fail," he 39000 won't. 39001 (2) The more people talk on the phone, the less money they 39002 make. 39003 (3) People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 39004 (4) Pizza always burns the roof of your mouth. 39005% 39006paak, n: A stadium or inclosed playing field. To put or leave (a 39007 vehicle) for a time in a certain location. 39008patato, n: The starchy, edible tuber of a widely cultivated plant. 39009Septemba, n: The 9th month of the year. 39010shua, n: Having no doubt; certain. 39011sista, n: A female having the same mother and father as the speaker. 39012tamato, n: A fleshy, smooth-skinned reddish fruit eaten in salads 39013 or as a vegetable. 39014troopa, n: A state policeman. 39015Wista, n: A city in central Masschewsetts. 39016yaad, n: A tract of ground adjacent to a building. 39017 -- Massachewsetts Unabridged Dictionary 39018% 39019PAIN: 39020 Falling out of a twenty story building, 39021 and snagging your eyelid on a nail. 39022% 39023PAIN: 39024 One thing, at least it proves that you're alive! 39025% 39026PAIN: 39027 Sliding down a 50-foot razor blade into a bucket of alcohol. 39028% 39029Pain is just God's way of hurting you. 39030% 39031Painting, n.: 39032 The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather, and 39033exposing them to the critic. 39034 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 39035% 39036Pandora's Rule: 39037 Never open a box you didn't close. 39038% 39039panic: can't find / 39040% 39041panic: kernel segmentation violation. core dumped (only kidding) 39042% 39043panic: kernel trap (ignored) 39044% 39045Paprika Measure: 39046 39047 2 dashes == 1 smidgen 39048 2 smidgens == 1 pinch 39049 3 pinches == 1 soupcon 39050 2 soupcons == too much paprika 39051% 39052Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much 39053better. 39054 -- Laurie Anderson 39055% 39056Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them. 39057% 39058Paralysis through analysis. 39059% 39060PARANOIA: 39061 A healthy understanding of the way the universe works. 39062% 39063Paranoia doesn't mean the whole world isn't out to get you. 39064% 39065Paranoia is heightened awareness. 39066% 39067Paranoia is simply an optimistic outlook on life. 39068% 39069Paranoid Club meeting this Friday. 39070Now ... just try to find out where! 39071% 39072Paranoid schizophrenics outnumber their enemies at least two to one. 39073% 39074Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to 39075criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too. 39076 -- D. J. Hicks 39077% 39078Pardon me while I laugh. 39079% 39080Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction. 39081% 39082Pardo's First Postulate: 39083 Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or 39084fattening. 39085 39086Arnold's Addendum: 39087 Everything else causes cancer in rats. 39088% 39089Parents often talk about the younger generation as if they 39090didn't have much of anything to do with it. 39091% 39092Parker's Law: 39093 Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone. 39094% 39095Parkinson's Fifth Law: 39096 If there is a way to delay an important decision, the good 39097bureaucracy, public or private, will find it. 39098% 39099Parkinson's Fourth Law: 39100 The number of people in any working group tends to increase 39101regardless of the amount of work to be done. 39102% 39103Parsley 39104 is gharsley. 39105 -- Ogden Nash 39106% 39107Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be. 39108% 39109PARTY: 39110 A gathering where you meet people who drink 39111 so much you can't even remember their names. 39112% 39113Pascal: 39114 A programming language named after a man who would turn over 39115 in his grave if he knew about it. 39116 -- "Datamation", January 15, 1984 39117% 39118Pascal is a language for children wanting to be naughty. 39119 -- Dr. Kasi Ananthanarayanan 39120% 39121"Pascal is not a high-level language." 39122 -- Steven Feiner 39123% 39124"Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat." 39125 -- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340 39126% 39127Pascal, n.: 39128 A programming language named after a man who would turn over in 39129his grave if he knew about it. 39130% 39131Pascal Users: 39132 The Pascal system will be replaced next Tuesday by Cobol. 39133 Please modify your programs accordingly. 39134% 39135Pascal Users: 39136 To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the 39137death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed. 39138% 39139Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life. 39140 -- Eric Hoffer 39141% 39142Password: 39143% 39144Passwords are implemented as a result of insecurity. 39145% 39146Paster Crosstalk: What items are specifically mentioned by GOD as being 39147 unclean? Now did you know... preying birds... praying mantises... 39148 All birds of prey, all carrion eaters, fish eaters -- no good, can't 39149 eat those. Nothing that does not have both fins and scales. Most 39150 CREEPING things... 39151Alvarado: How 'bout caterpillars? 39152P: A caterpillar doesn't have a backbone. Nothing without a backbone 39153 can get in. 39154A: How do you know? You char a caterpillar, it gets real stiff! 39155P: Well, I don't think that the Lord meant us to eat CHARRED 39156 CATERPILLARS! 39157[...] 39158P: The hog, the squirrel... little squirrels. Who would want to eat 39159 a LITTLE SQUIRREL? 39160A: If you're starving. If you're starving in the park one day. 39161P: You'd probably just CHAR 'em to get 'em stiff, wouldn't ya? 39162A: No, you SINGE 'em. You SINGE 'em and eat 'em. *I* read about the 39163 Donner Pass, I know what man does when he's hungry. 39164P: Squirrels eating squirrels -- my GOD, that's sick! 39165A: That's sick, SURE. But a MAN eating a squirrel -- that's (heh, heh) 39166 par for the course, Charlie. 39167 -- Firesign Theatre 39168% 39169Patageometry, n.: 39170 The study of those mathematical properties that are invariant 39171under brain transplants. 39172% 39173Patch griefs with proverbs. 39174 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing" 39175% 39176patent: 39177 A method of publicizing inventions so others can copy them. 39178% 39179"Pathetic," he said. "That's what it is. Pathetic." 39180(crosses stream) 39181"As I thought," he said, "no better from *this* side." 39182 -- Eeyore 39183% 39184Patience is a minor form of despair, disguised as virtue. 39185 -- Ambrose Bierce, on qualifiers 39186% 39187Patience is the best remedy for every trouble. 39188 -- Titus Maccius Plautus 39189% 39190Patriotism is the last refuge of a scoundrel. 39191 -- S. Johnson, "The Life of Samuel Johnson" by J. Boswell 39192 39193In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the last 39194resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but 39195inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first. 39196 -- Ambrose Bierce 39197 39198When Dr. Johnson defined patriotism as the last refuge of a scoundrel, 39199he ignored the enormous possibilities of the word reform. 39200 -- Sen. Roscoe Conkling 39201 39202Public office is the last refuge of a scoundrel. 39203 -- Boies Penrose 39204% 39205Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious. 39206 -- Oscar Wilde 39207% 39208Pauca sed matura. (Few but excellent.) 39209 -- Gauss 39210% 39211Paul Revere was a tattle-tale. 39212% 39213Paul's Law: 39214 In America, it's not how much an item costs, it's how much you 39215save. 39216% 39217Paul's Law: 39218 You can't fall off the floor. 39219% 39220Pause for storage relocation. 39221% 39222paycheck: 39223 The weekly $5.27 that remains after deductions for federal 39224 withholding, state withholding, city withholding, FICA, 39225 medical/dental, long-term disability, unemployment insurance, 39226 Christmas Club, and payroll savings plan contributions. 39227% 39228Payeen to a Twang 39229Derrida 39230Ore-Ida 39231potato. 39232 39233If you dared, 39234I'd ask you 39235to go dig 39236up your ides under brown- 39237tubered skies. 39238 39239where pitchforked 39240you will ask 39241Derrida? 39242% 39243Peace be to this house, and all that dwell in it. 39244% 39245Peace cannot be kept by force; it 39246can only be achieved by understanding. 39247 -- Albert Einstein 39248% 39249Peace is much more precious than a piece 39250of land... let there be no more wars. 39251 -- Mohammed Anwar Sadat (1918-1981) 39252% 39253Peace, n.: 39254 In international affairs, a period of cheating between two 39255periods of fighting. 39256 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 39257% 39258Peanut Blossoms 39259 392604 cups sugar 16 tbsp. milk 392614 cups brown sugar 4 tsp. vanilla 392624 cups shortening 14 cups flour 392638 eggs 4 tsp. soda 392644 cups peanut butter 4 tsp. salt 39265 39266Shape dough into balls. Roll in sugar and bake on ungreased cookie 39267sheet at 375 F. for 10-12 minutes. Immediately top each cookie with a 39268Hershey's kiss or star pressing down firmly to crack cookie. Makes a 39269hell of a lot. 39270% 39271Pecor's Health-Food Principle: 39272 Never eat rutabaga on any day of the week that has a "y" in 39273it. 39274% 39275Pedaeration, n.: 39276 The perfect body heat achieved by having one leg under the 39277sheet and one hanging off the edge of the bed. 39278 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 39279% 39280Pediddel, n.: 39281 A car with only one working headlight. 39282 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 39283% 39284Pedro Guerrero was playing third base for the Los Angeles Dodgers in 1984 39285when he made the comment that earns him a place in my Hall of Fame. Second 39286baseman Steve Sax was having trouble making his throws. Other players were 39287diving, screaming, signaling for a fair catch. At the same time, Guerrero, 39288at third, was making a few plays that weren't exactly soothing to manager 39289Tom Lasorda's stomach. Lasorda decided it was time for one of his famous 39290motivational meetings and zeroed in on Guerrero: "How can you play third 39291base like that? You've gotta be thinking about something besides baseball. 39292What is it?" 39293 "I'm only thinking about two things," Guerrero said. "First, `I 39294hope they don't hit the ball to me.'" The players snickered, and even 39295Lasorda had to fight off a laugh. "Second, `I hope they don't hit the ball 39296to Sax.'" 39297 -- Joe Garagiola, "It's Anybody's Ball Game" 39298% 39299Peeping Tom: 39300 A window fan. 39301% 39302Peers's Law: 39303The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. 39304% 39305Pelorat sighed. 39306 "I will never understand people." 39307 "There's nothing to it. All you have to do is take a close look 39308at yourself and you will understand everyone else. How would Seldon have 39309worked out his Plan -- and I don't care how subtle his mathematics was -- 39310if he didn't understand people; and how could he have done that if people 39311weren't easy to understand? You show me someone who can't understand 39312people and I'll show you someone who has built up a false image of himself 39313-- no offense intended." 39314 -- Isaac Asimov, "Foundation's Edge" 39315% 39316Penguin Trivia #46: 39317 Animals who are not penguins can only wish they were. 39318 -- Chicago Reader 10/15/82 39319% 39320PENGUINICITY!! 39321% 39322pension: 39323 A federally insured chain letter. 39324% 39325People (a group that in my opinion has always attracted an undue amount of 39326attention) have often been likened to snowflakes. This analogy is meant to 39327suggest that each is unique -- no two alike. This is quite patently not the 39328case. People ... are simply a dime a dozen. And, I hasten to add, their 39329only similarity to snowflakes resides in their invariable and lamentable 39330tendency to turn, after a few warm days, to slush. 39331 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 39332% 39333People are always available for work in the past tense. 39334% 39335People are beginning to notice you. 39336Try dressing before you leave the house. 39337% 39338People are like onions -- you cut them up, and they make you cry. 39339% 39340People are unconditionally guaranteed to be full of defects. 39341% 39342People don't change; they only become more so. 39343% 39344People don't usually make the same mistake twice -- they make it three 39345times, four time, five times... 39346% 39347People in general do not willingly read 39348if they have anything else to amuse them. 39349 -- S. Johnson 39350% 39351People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible. 39352 -- The Best of Will Rogers 39353% 39354People need good lies. There are too many bad ones. 39355 -- Bokonon, "Cat's Cradle" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 39356% 39357People never lie so much as after a hunt, during a war, or before an 39358election. 39359 -- Otto von Bismarck 39360% 39361People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction 39362rather than surrender any material part of their advantage. 39363 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 39364% 39365People often find it easier to be a result of the past than a cause of 39366the future. 39367% 39368People respond to people who respond. 39369% 39370People say I live in my own little fantasy world... well, at least they 39371*know* me there! 39372 -- D. L. Roth 39373% 39374People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people 39375have been left out on the pleasure. 39376 -- Russell Baker 39377% 39378People seem to think that the blanket phrase, "I only work here," 39379absolves them utterly from any moral obligation in terms of the 39380public -- but this was precisely Eichmann's excuse for his job in 39381the concentration camps. 39382% 39383People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves. 39384% 39385People that can't find something to live for always seem to find something 39386to die for. The problem is, they usually want the rest of us to die for 39387it too. 39388% 39389"People think love is an emotion. Love is good sense." 39390 -- Ken Kesey 39391% 39392People usually get what's coming to them ... unless it's been mailed. 39393% 39394People who are funny and smart and return phone calls get much better 39395press than people who are just funny and smart. 39396 -- Howard Simons, "The Washington Post" 39397% 39398People who claim they don't let little things bother them have never 39399slept in a room with a single mosquito. 39400% 39401People who fight fire with fire usually end up with ashes. 39402 -- Abigail Van Buren 39403% 39404People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't. 39405% 39406People who have no faults are terrible; 39407there is no way of taking advantage of them. 39408% 39409People who have what they want are very fond of telling people who 39410haven't what they want that they don't want it. 39411 -- Ogden Nash 39412% 39413People who make no mistakes do not usually make anything. 39414% 39415People who push both buttons should get their wish. 39416% 39417People who take cat naps don't usually sleep in a cat's cradle. 39418% 39419People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have 39420cold baths. 39421% 39422People who think they know everything 39423greatly annoy those of us who do. 39424% 39425People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that 39426Benjamin Franklin said it first. 39427% 39428People will buy anything that's one to a customer. 39429% 39430People will do tomorrow what they did today because that is what they 39431did yesterday. 39432% 39433People with narrow minds usually have broad tongues. 39434% 39435People's Action Rules: 39436 (1) Some people who can, shouldn't. 39437 (2) Some people who should, won't. 39438 (3) Some people who shouldn't, will. 39439 (4) Some people who can't, will try, regardless. 39440 (5) Some people who shouldn't, but try, will then blame others. 39441% 39442Per buck you get more computing action with the small computer. 39443 -- R. W. Hamming 39444% 39445Pereant, inquit, qui ante nos nostra dixerunt. 39446[Confound those who have said our remarks before us.] 39447or 39448[May they perish who have expressed our bright ideas before us.] 39449 -- Aelius Donatus 39450% 39451Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things. 39452% 39453perfect guest: 39454 One who makes his host feel at home. 39455% 39456Perfection is reached, not when there is no longer anything to add, but 39457when there is no longer anything to take away. 39458 -- Antoine de Saint-Exupery 39459% 39460Performance: 39461 A statement of the speed at which a computer system works. Or 39462 rather, might work under certain circumstances. Or was rumored 39463 to be working over in Jersey about a month ago. 39464% 39465Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. 39466I myself would say that it had merely been detected. 39467 -- Oscar Wilde 39468% 39469Perhaps no person can be a poet, or even enjoy 39470poetry without a certain unsoundness of mind. 39471 -- Thomas Macaulay 39472% 39473Perhaps the biggest disappointments were the ones you expected anyway. 39474% 39475Perhaps the most widespread illusion is that if we were in power we would 39476behave very differently from those who now hold it -- when, in truth, in 39477order to get power we would have to become very much like them. (Lenin's 39478fatal mistake, both in theory and in practice.) 39479% 39480Perhaps the world's second words crime is boredom. The first is 39481being a bore. 39482 -- Cecil Beaton 39483% 39484Perilous to all of us are the devices of 39485an art deeper than we ourselves possess. 39486 -- Gandalf the Grey 39487% 39488Periphrasis is the putting of things in a round-about way. "The cost may be 39489upwards of a figure rather below 10m#." is a periphrasis for The cost may be 39490nearly 10m#. "In Paris there reigns a complete absence of really reliable 39491news" is a periphrasis for There is no reliable news in Paris. "Rarely does 39492the `Little Summer' linger until November, but at times its stay has been 39493prolonged until quite late in the year's penultimate month" contains a 39494periphrasis for November, and another for lingers. "The answer is in the 39495negative" is a periphrasis for No. "Was made the recipient of" is a 39496periphrasis for Was presented with. The periphrasis style is hardly possible 39497on any considerable scale without much use of abstract nouns such as "basis, 39498case, character, connexion, dearth, description, duration, framework, lack, 39499nature, reference, regard, respect". The existence of abstract nouns is a 39500proof that abstract thought has occurred; abstract thought is a mark of 39501civilized man; and so it has come about that periphrasis and civilization are 39502by many held to be inseparable. These good people feel that there is an almost 39503indecent nakedness, a reversion to barbarism, in saying No news is good news 39504instead of "The absence of intelligence is an indication of satisfactory 39505developments." 39506 -- Fowler's English Usage 39507% 39508Persistence in one opinion has never been considered 39509a merit in political leaders. 39510 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares", 1st century BC 39511% 39512Personifiers of the world, unite! 39513You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! 39514 -- Bernadette Bosky 39515% 39516Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity! 39517% 39518Persons attempting to find a motive in this narrative will be prosecuted; 39519persons attempting to find a moral in it will be banished; persons attempting 39520to find a plot in it will be shot. By Order of the Author 39521 -- Mark Twain, "Tom Sawyer" 39522% 39523pessimist: 39524 A man who spends all his time worrying about how he can keep the 39525 wolf from the door. 39526 39527optimist: 39528 A man who refuses to see the wolf until he seizes the seat of 39529 his pants. 39530 39531opportunist: 39532 A man who invites the wolf in and appears the next day in a fur coat. 39533% 39534Pete: Waiter, this meat is bad. 39535Waiter: Who told you? 39536Pete: A little swallow. 39537% 39538Peter Wemm Murphy Field, n.: 39539 A field of abnormally frequent and severe Murphy's Law events 39540emanating from Mr. Peter Wemm. The field was first discovered and 39541identified in Denmark during the initial FreeBSD SMP development. 39542Mr. Wemm was residing in Australia at the time. 39543% 39544Peter's hungry, time to eat lunch. 39545% 39546Peter's Law of Substitution: 39547 Look after the molehills, and the 39548 mountains will look after themselves. 39549 39550Peter's Principle of Success: 39551 Get up one time more than you're knocked down. 39552 39553Peter's Principle: 39554 In every hierarchy, each employee tends to rise to the level of 39555 his incompetence. 39556% 39557Peter's Law of Substitution: 39558 Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after 39559themselves. 39560% 39561Peterson's Admonition: 39562 When you think you're going down for the third time -- 39563 just remember that you may have counted wrong. 39564% 39565Peterson's Rules: 39566 (1) Trucks that overturn on freeways 39567 are filled with something sticky. 39568 (2) No cute baby in a carriage is ever a girl when called one. 39569 (3) Things that tick are not always clocks. 39570 (4) Suicide only works when you're bluffing. 39571% 39572Petribar, n.: 39573 Any sun-bleached prehistoric candy that has been sitting in 39574 the window of a vending machine too long. 39575 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 39576% 39577Phasers locked on target, Captain. 39578% 39579Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to 39580exciting Camden, New Jersey. 39581% 39582Philogyny recapitulates erogeny; erogeny recapitulates philogyny. 39583% 39584philosophy: 39585 The ability to bear with calmness the misfortunes of our friends. 39586% 39587philosophy: 39588 Unintelligible answers to insoluble problems. 39589% 39590Philosophy will clip an angel's wings. 39591 -- John Keats 39592% 39593Phone call for chucky-pooh. 39594% 39595phosflink: 39596 To flick a bulb on and off when it burns out (as if, somehow, that 39597 will bring it back to life). 39598 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 39599% 39600Photographing a volcano is just about 39601the most miserable thing you can do. 39602 -- Robert B. Goodman 39603 [Who has clearly never tried to use a PDP-10. Ed.] 39604% 39605Physically there is nothing to distinguish human society from the 39606farm-yard except that children are more troublesome and costly than 39607chickens and women are not so completely enslaved as farm stock. 39608 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Getting Married" 39609% 39610Pick another fortune cookie. 39611% 39612Picking up the pieces of my sweet shattered dream, 39613I wonder how the old folks are tonight, 39614Her name was Ann, and I'll be damned if I recall her face, 39615She left me not knowing what to do. 39616 39617Carefree Highway, let me slip away on you, 39618Carefree Highway, you seen better days, 39619The morning after blues, from my head down to my shoes, 39620Carefree Highway, let me slip away, slip away, on you... 39621 39622Turning back the pages to the times I love best, 39623I wonder if she'll ever do the same, 39624Now the thing that I call livin' is just bein' satisfied, 39625With knowing I got noone left to blame. 39626Carefree Highway, I got to see you, my old flame... 39627 39628Searching through the fragments of my dream shattered sleep, 39629I wonder if the years have closed her mind, 39630I guess it must be wanderlust or tryin' to get free, 39631From the good old faithful feelin' we once knew. 39632 -- Gordon Lightfoot, "Carefree Highway" 39633% 39634Pickle's Law: 39635 If Congress must do a painful thing, 39636 the thing must be done in an odd-number year. 39637% 39638Picture the sun as the origin of two intersecting 6-dimensional 39639hyperplanes from which we can deduce a certain transformational 39640sequence which gives us the terminal velocity of a rubber duck ... 39641% 39642Piddle, twiddle, and resolve, 39643Not one damn thing do we solve. 39644 -- 1776 39645% 39646Pie are not square. Pie are round. Cornbread are square. 39647% 39648Piece of cake! 39649 -- G. S. Koblas 39650% 39651Pig, n.: 39652 An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race 39653by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is 39654inferior in scope, for it balks at pig. 39655 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 39656% 39657Pilfering Treasure property is particularly dangerous: big thieves are 39658ruthless in punishing little thieves. 39659 -- Diogenes 39660% 39661Pilots should avoid using illegal drugs. 39662 -- AOPA's Pilot's Handbook, 1988 39663% 39664Piping down the valleys wild, 39665Piping songs of pleasant glee, 39666On a cloud I saw a child, 39667And he laughing said to me: 39668"Pipe a song about a Lamb!" 39669So I piped with merry cheer. 39670"Piper, pipe that song again;" 39671So I piped: he wept to hear. 39672 -- William Blake, "Songs of Innocence" 39673% 39674Pipo was born with few complications, but then the doctor accidentally dropped 39675the infant on her head provoking her drunken father to drag the physician 39676outside where he would beat him to death with a live ocelot. 39677 -- Love and Rockets 39678% 39679PISCES (Feb. 19 - Mar. 20) 39680 You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being 39681followed by the CIA or FBI. You have minor influence over your 39682associates and people resent your flaunting of your power. You lack 39683confidence and you are generally a coward. Pisces people do terrible 39684things to small animals. 39685% 39686PISCES (Feb. 19 to Mar. 20) 39687 Take the high road, look for the good things, carry the 39688American Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as 39689nobody else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will 39690probably get run over by a bus. 39691% 39692PISCES (Feb.19 - Mar.20) 39693 You will get some very interesting news of a promotion today. 39694 It will go to someone in the office you dislike and will be the 39695 job you wanted. Don't lend anyone a car today. You don't have 39696 a car. 39697% 39698Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth. 39699 -- Don Marquis 39700% 39701pixel, n: 39702 A mischievous, magical spirit associated with screen displays. 39703 The computer industry has frequently borrowed from mythology: 39704 Witness the sprites in computer graphics, the demons in artificial 39705 intelligence, and the trolls in the marketing department. 39706% 39707P-K4 39708% 39709Plaese porrf raed. 39710 -- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase 39711% 39712Plagiarize, plagiarize, 39713Let no man's work evade your eyes, 39714Remember why the good Lord made your eyes, 39715Don't shade your eyes, 39716But plagiarize, plagiarize, plagiarize. 39717Only be sure to call it research. 39718 -- Tom Lehrer 39719% 39720Planet Claire has pink hair. 39721All the trees are red. 39722No one ever dies there. 39723No one has a head.... 39724% 39725Plastic... Aluminum... These are the inheritors of the Universe! 39726Flesh and Blood have had their day... and that day is past! 39727 -- Green Lantern Comics 39728% 39729Plato, by the way, wanted to banish all poets from his proposed Utopia 39730because they were liars. The truth was that Plato knew philosophers 39731couldn't compete successfully with poets. 39732 -- Kilgore Trout (Philip J. Farmer) "Venus on the Half 39733 Shell" 39734% 39735PLATONIC FRIENDSHIP: 39736 What develops when two people get 39737 tired of making love to each other. 39738% 39739Play Rogue, visit exotic locations, meet strange creatures and kill 39740them. 39741% 39742Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic 39743table. 39744 -- Dave Barry, "The Snake" 39745% 39746Please do not look directly into laser with remaining eye. 39747% 39748Please don't put a strain on our friendship 39749by asking me to do something for you. 39750% 39751Please don't recommend me to your friends-- 39752it's difficult enough to cope with you alone. 39753% 39754PLEASE DON'T SMOKE HERE! 39755 39756Penalty: An early, lingering death from cancer, 39757 emphysema, or other smoking-caused ailment. 39758% 39759Please forgive me if, in the heat of battle, 39760I sometimes forget which side I'm on. 39761% 39762Please go away. 39763% 39764Please help keep the world clean: others may wish to use it. 39765% 39766Please ignore previous fortune. 39767% 39768Please keep your hands off the secretary's reproducing equipment. 39769% 39770Please, Mother! I'd rather do it myself! 39771% 39772Please remain calm, it's no use both of 39773us being hysterical at the same time. 39774% 39775Please stand for the National Anthem: 39776 39777 Australian's all, let us rejoice, 39778 For we are young and free. 39779 We've golden soil and wealth for toil 39780 Our home is girt by sea. 39781 Our land abounds in nature's gifts 39782 Of beauty rich and rare. 39783 In history's page, let every stage 39784 Advance Australia Fair. 39785 In joyful strains then let us sing, 39786 Advance Australia Fair. 39787 39788Thank you. You may resume your seat. 39789% 39790Please stand for the National Anthem: 39791 39792 God save our Gracious Queen! 39793 Long live our Noble Queen! 39794 God save the Queen! 39795 Send her victorious, 39796 Happy and glorious, 39797 Long to reign o'er us! 39798 God save the Queen! 39799 39800Thank you. You may resume your seat. 39801% 39802Please stand for the National Anthem: 39803 39804 O Canada 39805 Our home and native land 39806 True patriot love 39807 In all thy sons' command 39808 With glowing hearts we see thee rise 39809 The true north strong and free 39810 From far and wide, O Canada 39811 We stand on guard for thee 39812 God keep our land glorious and free 39813 O Canada we stand on guard for thee 39814 O Canada we stand on guard for thee 39815 39816Thank you. You may resume your seat. 39817% 39818Please stand for the National Anthem: 39819 39820 Oh, say can you see by dawn's early light 39821 What so proudly we hailed at the twilight's last gleaming? 39822 Whose broad stripes and bright stars through the perilous fight 39823 O'er the ramparts we watched were so gallantly streaming? 39824 And the rockets' red glare, the bombs bursting in air, 39825 Gave proof through the night that our flag was still there. 39826 Oh, say does that star-spangled banner yet wave 39827 O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave? 39828 39829Thank you. You may resume your seat. 39830% 39831Please take note: 39832% 39833Please try to limit the amount of "this room doesn't have any bazingas" 39834until you are told that those rooms are "punched out". Once punched 39835out, we have a right to complain about atrocities, missing bazingas, 39836and such. 39837 -- N. Meyrowitz 39838% 39839Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means? 39840% 39841PL/I -- "the fatal disease" -- belongs more to the problem set than to the 39842solution set. 39843 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 39844% 39845Plots are like girdles. Hidden, they hold your interest; revealed, they're 39846of no interest except to fetishists. Like girdles, they attempt to contain 39847an uncontainable experience. 39848 -- R. S. Knapp 39849% 39850PLUG IT IN!!! 39851% 39852PLUNDERER'S THEME 39853(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius) 39854 39855Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. 39856If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation. 39857Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations. 39858Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation. 39859% 39860Plus ca change, plus c'est le meme chose. 39861% 39862Pohl's law: 39863 Nothing is so good that somebody, somewhere, will not hate it. 39864% 39865poisoned coffee, n: 39866 Grounds for divorce. 39867% 39868Poland has gun control. 39869% 39870Police: Good evening, are you the host? 39871Host: No. 39872Police: We've been getting complaints about this party. 39873Host: About the drugs? 39874Police: No. 39875Host: About the guns, then? Is somebody complaining about the guns? 39876Police: No, the noise. 39877Host: Oh, the noise. Well that makes sense because there are no guns 39878 or drugs here. (An enormous explosion is heard in the 39879 background.) Or fireworks. Who's complaining about the noise? 39880 The neighbors? 39881Police: No, the neighbors fled inland hours ago. Most of the recent 39882 complaints have come from Pittsburgh. Do you think you could 39883 ask the host to quiet things down? 39884Host: No Problem. (At this point, a Volkswagen bug with primitive 39885 religious symbols drawn on the doors emerges from the living 39886 room and roars down the hall, past the police and onto the 39887 lawn, where it smashes into a tree. Eight guests tumble out 39888 onto the grass, moaning.) See? Things are starting to wind 39889 down. 39890% 39891Political history is far too criminal a subject to be a fit thing to 39892teach children. 39893 -- W. H. Auden 39894% 39895Political speeches are like steer horns. A point 39896here, a point there, and a lot of bull inbetween. 39897 -- Alfred E. Neuman 39898% 39899Political television commercials prove one thing: some candidates 39900can tell all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds. 39901% 39902Political T.V. commercials prove one thing: some candidates can tell 39903all their good points and qualifications in just 30 seconds. 39904% 39905Politician, n.: 39906 An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of 39907organized society is reared. When he wriggles, he mistakes the 39908agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice. As compared 39909with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive. 39910 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 39911% 39912Politician, n.: 39913 From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or 39914"face," as in "tete-a-tete": head to head or face to face). Hence 39915"polytetien", a person of two or more faces. 39916 -- Martin Pitt 39917% 39918Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even 39919where there is no river. 39920 -- Nikita Khrushchev 39921% 39922Politicians should read science fiction, not westerns and detective stories. 39923 -- Arthur C. Clarke 39924% 39925Politicians speak for their parties, and parties never are, never have 39926been, and never will be wrong. 39927 -- Walter Dwight 39928% 39929Politics -- the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign 39930funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other. 39931 -- Oscar Ameringer 39932% 39933Politics and the fate of mankind are formed by men without ideals and 39934without greatness. Those who have greatness within them do not go in 39935for politics. 39936 -- Albert Camus 39937% 39938Politics are almost as exciting as war, and quite as 39939dangerous. In war, you can only be killed once. 39940 -- Winston Churchill 39941% 39942Politics, as a practice, whatever its professions, has always been the 39943systematic organisation of hatreds. 39944 -- Henry Adams, "The Education of Henry Adams" 39945% 39946Politics is like coaching a football team. You have to be smart enough 39947to understand the game but not smart enough to lose interest. 39948% 39949Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing 39950between the disastrous and the unpalatable. 39951 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 39952% 39953Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to 39954realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. 39955 -- Ronald Reagan 39956% 39957Politics is the ability to foretell what is going to happen tomorrow, next 39958week, next month and next year. And to have the ability afterwards to 39959explain why it didn't happen. 39960 -- Winston Churchill 39961% 39962Politics, like religion, hold up the 39963torches of martyrdom to the reformers of error. 39964 -- Thomas Jefferson 39965% 39966Politics makes strange bedfellows, and journalism makes strange politics. 39967 -- Amy Gorin 39968% 39969Politics, n.: 39970 A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles. 39971 The conduct of public affairs for private advantage. 39972 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 39973% 39974Pollyanna's Educational Constant: 39975 The hyperactive child is never absent. 39976% 39977POLYGON: 39978 Dead parrot. 39979% 39980Polymer physicists are into chains. 39981% 39982Poorman's Rule: 39983 When you pull a plastic garbage bag from its handy dispenser 39984 package, you always get hold of the closed end and try to 39985 pull it open. 39986% 39987Pope Goestheveezl was the shortest reigning pope in the history of the 39988Church, reigning for two hours and six minutes on 1 April 1866. The 39989white smoke had hardly faded into the blue of the Vatican skies before 39990it dawned on the assembled multitudes in St. Peter's Square that his 39991name had hilarious possibilities. The crowds fell about, helpless with 39992laughter, singing 39993 Half a pound of tuppenny rice 39994 Half a pound of treacle 39995 That's the way the chimney smokes 39996 Pope Goestheveezl 39997The square was finally cleared by armed carabinieri with tears of 39998laughter streaming down their faces. The event set a record for 39999hilarious civic functions, smashing the previous record set when Baron 40000Hans Neizant B"ompzidaize was elected Landburgher of K"oln in 1653. 40001 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 40002% 40003Populus vult decipi. 40004[The people like to be deceived.] 40005% 40006Porsche; there simply is no substitute. 40007 -- Risky Business 40008% 40009Portable, adj.: 40010 Survives system reboot. 40011% 40012POSITIVE: 40013 Being mistaken at the top of your voice. 40014% 40015Positive, adj.: 40016 Mistaken at the top of one's voice. 40017 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 40018% 40019Possessions increase to fill the space available for their storage. 40020 -- Ryan 40021% 40022Post proelium, praemium. 40023[After the battle, the reward.] 40024% 40025Postmen never die, they just lose their zip. 40026% 40027Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents: 40028 40029 SPUD ROGERS OF THE 25TH CENTURY: Story of an Air Force potato that's 40030left in a rarely used chow hall for over two centuries and wakes up in a world 40031populated by soybean created imitations under the evil Dick Tater. Thanks to 40032him, the soy-potatoes learn that being a 'tater is where it's at. Memorable 40033line, "'Cause I'm just a stud spud!" 40034 40035 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER SERIES: Crazed potato who was left in a 40036fryer too long and was charbroiled carelessly returns to wreak havoc on 40037unsuspecting, would-be teen camp cooks. Scenes include a girl being stuffed 40038with chives and Fleischman's Margarine and a boy served up on a side dish 40039with beets and dressing. Definitely not for the squeamish, or those on 40040diets that are driving them crazy. 40041 40042 FRIDAY THE 13TH DINER II,III,IV,V,VI: Much, much more of the same. 40043Except with sour cream. 40044% 40045Potahto' Pictures Productions Presents: 40046 40047 THE TATERNATOR: Cyborg spud returns from the future to present-day 40048McDonald's restaurant to kill the potatoes (girl 'tater) who will give birth 40049to the world's largest french fry (The Dark Powers of Burger King are clearly 40050behind this). Most quotable line: "Ah'll be baked..." 40051 40052 A FISTFUL OF FRIES: Western in which our hero, The Spud with No Name, 40053rides into a town that's deprived of carbohydrates thanks to the evil takeover 40054of the low-cal Scallopinni Brothers. Plenty of smokeouts, fry-em-ups, and 40055general butter-melting by all. 40056 40057 FOR A FEW FRIES MORE: Takes up where AFOF left off! Cameo by Walter 40058Cronkite, as every man's common 'tater! 40059% 40060Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth. 40061% 40062POVERTY: 40063 An unfortunate state that persists as long 40064 as anyone lacks anything he would like to have. 40065% 40066Poverty begins at home. 40067% 40068Poverty must have its satisfactions, else there would not be so many 40069poor people. 40070 -- Don Herold 40071% 40072Power and ignorance is a detestable cocktail. 40073 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 40074% 40075Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat. 40076 -- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987 40077% 40078Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically. 40079% 40080Power corrupts. Powerpoint corrupts absolutely. 40081 -- Vint Cerf 40082% 40083Power is poison. 40084% 40085Power is the finest token of affection. 40086% 40087Power, like a desolating pestilence, 40088Pollutes whate'er it touches... 40089 -- Percy Bysshe Shelley 40090% 40091Power, n: 40092 The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA. 40093% 40094Power tends to corrupt, absolute power corrupts absolutely. 40095 -- Lord Acton 40096% 40097PPRB -- Pillage, plunder, rape and burn. 40098% 40099Practical people would be more practical if they would take a little 40100more time for dreaming. 40101 -- J. P. McEvoy 40102% 40103Practical politics consists in ignoring facts. 40104 -- Henry Adams 40105% 40106Practically perfect people never permit 40107sentiment to muddle their thinking. 40108 -- Mary Poppins 40109% 40110Practice is the best of all instructors. 40111 -- Publilius 40112% 40113Practice yourself what you preach. 40114 -- Titus Maccius Plautus 40115% 40116PRAIRIES: 40117 Vast plains covered by treeless forests. 40118% 40119Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition. 40120 -- Stephen Coonts, "The Minotaur" 40121% 40122Praise the sea; on shore remain. 40123 -- John Florio 40124% 40125Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore. 40126 -- Russian proverb 40127% 40128pray, v.: 40129 To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf 40130 of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy. 40131 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 40132% 40133Predestination was doomed from the start. 40134% 40135Prediction is very difficult, especially of the future. 40136 -- Niels Bohr 40137% 40138Prejudice, n.: 40139 A vagrant opinion without visible means of support. 40140 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 40141% 40142Premature optimization is the root of all evil. 40143 -- Donald E. Knuth 40144% 40145Preserve the old, but know the new. 40146% 40147Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today! 40148% 40149Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today! 40150% 40151President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic pundits and 40152forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax. 40153% 40154President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the 40155vote. In a democracy, that's not called quitting. 40156 -- The Washington Post 40157% 40158Pretend to spank me -- I'm a pseudo-masochist! 40159% 40160Preudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning: 40161 It's on the other side. 40162% 40163Price's Advice: 40164 It's all a game -- play it to have fun. 40165% 40166[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves 40167to see him work. 40168 -- Winston Churchill 40169% 40170[Prime Minister MacDonald] has the gift of compressing the 40171largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thought. 40172 -- Winston Churchill 40173% 40174Prince Hamlet thought Uncle a traitor 40175For having it off with his Mater; 40176 Revenge Dad or not? 40177 That's the gist of the plot, 40178And he did -- nine soliloquies later. 40179 -- Stanley J. Sharpless 40180% 40181Princeton's taste is sweet like a strawberry tart. Harvard's is a subtle 40182taste, like whiskey, coffee, or tobacco. It may even be a bad habit, for 40183all I know. 40184 -- Prof. J. H. Finley '25 40185% 40186Priority: 40187 A statement of the importance of a user or a program. Often 40188 expressed as a relative priority, indicating that the user doesn't 40189 care when the work is completed so long as he is treated less 40190 badly than someone else. 40191% 40192Prisons are built with stones of Law, brothels with bricks of Religion. 40193 -- Blake 40194% 40195Prizes are for children. 40196 -- Charles Ives, 40197 upon being given, but refusing, the Pulitzer prize 40198% 40199Pro is to con as progress is to Congress. 40200% 40201Probable-Possible, my black hen, 40202She lays eggs in the Relative When. 40203She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now 40204Because she's unable to postulate how. 40205 -- Frederick Winsor 40206% 40207Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have 40208orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which 40209is why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime. 40210 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 40211 Teen Should Know" 40212% 40213PROBLEM DRINKER: 40214 A man who never buys. 40215% 40216Producers seem to be so prejudiced against actors who've had no training. 40217And there's no reason for it. So what if I didn't attend the Royal Academy 40218for twelve years? I'm still a professional trying to be the best actress 40219I can. Why doesn't anyone send me the scripts that Faye Dunaway gets? 40220 -- Farrah Fawcett-Majors 40221% 40222Prof: So the American government went to IBM to come up with a data 40223 encryption standard and they came up with ... 40224Student: EBCDIC! 40225% 40226Profanity is the one language all programmers know best. 40227% 40228Professor Gorden Newell threw another shutout in last week's Chem Eng. 130 40229midterm. Once again a student did not receive a single point on his exam. 40230Newell has now tossed 5 shutouts this quarter. Newell's earned exam average 40231has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%. 40232% 40233PROGRAM: 40234 Any task that can't be completed in one telephone call or one 40235 day. Once a task is defined as a program ("training program," 40236 "sales program," or "marketing program"), its implementation 40237 always justifies hiring at least three more people. 40238% 40239program, n: 40240 A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input 40241 into error messages. tr.v. To engage in a pastime similar to banging 40242 one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward. 40243% 40244Programmers do it bit by bit. 40245% 40246Programmers used to batch environments may find it hard to live 40247without giant listings; we would find it hard to use them. 40248 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 40249% 40250Programming Department: 40251 Mistakes made while you wait. 40252% 40253Programming is an unnatural act. 40254% 40255Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to 40256build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying 40257to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning. 40258 -- Rich Cook 40259% 40260PROGRESS: 40261 Medieval man thought disease was caused by invisible demons 40262 invading the body and taking possession of it. 40263 40264 Modern man knows disease is caused by microscopic bacteria 40265 and viruses invading the body and causing it to malfunction. 40266% 40267Progress is impossible without change, and those who 40268cannot change their minds cannot change anything. 40269 -- George Bernard Shaw 40270% 40271Progress means replacing a theory that 40272is wrong with one more subtly wrong. 40273% 40274Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long. 40275 -- Ogden Nash 40276% 40277Progress was all right. Only it went on too long. 40278 -- James Thurber 40279% 40280Promise her anything, but give her Exxon unleaded. 40281% 40282Promising costs nothing, it's the delivering that kills you. 40283% 40284PROMOTION FROM WITHIN: 40285 A system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making 40286 level where they can't foul up operations. 40287% 40288Promptness is its own reward, if one lives by the clock instead of the sword. 40289% 40290Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction. 40291 40292This technique is used on equations with "_n" in them. Induction 40293techniques are very popular, even the military used them. 40294 40295SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction. 40296 40297 We know it's true for _n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true 40298for every natural number less than _n. _N is arbitrary, so we can take _n 40299as large as we want. If _n is sufficiently large, the case of _n+1 is 40300trivially equivalent, so the only important _n are _n less than _n. We 40301can take _n = _n (from above), so it's true for _n+1 because it's just 40302about _n. 40303 QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?") 40304% 40305Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity. 40306 SAMPLE: To prove that horses have an infinite number of legs. 40307(1) Horses have an even number of legs. 40308(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front. 40309(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of 40310 legs for a horse. 40311(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity. 40312(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs. 40313 40314Topics to be covered in future issues include proof by: 40315 Intimidation 40316 Gesticulation (handwaving) 40317 "Try it; it works" 40318 Constipation (I was just sitting there and ...) 40319 Blatant assertion 40320 Changing all the 2's to _n's 40321 Mutual consent 40322 Lack of a counterexample, and 40323 "It stands to reason" 40324% 40325Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days, 40326but left to itself, a cold will hang on for a week. 40327 -- Darrell Huff 40328% 40329Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: 40330 40331BBW Branch Both Ways 40332BEW Branch Either Way 40333BBBF Branch on Bit Bucket Full 40334BH Branch and Hang 40335BMR Branch Multiple Registers 40336BOB Branch On Bug 40337BPO Branch on Power Off 40338BST Backspace and Stretch Tape 40339CDS Condense and Destroy System 40340CLBR Clobber Register 40341CLBRI Clobber Register Immediately 40342CM Circulate Memory 40343CMFRM Come From -- essential for truly structured programming 40344CPPR Crumple Printer Paper and Rip 40345CRN Convert to Roman Numerals 40346% 40347Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: 40348 40349DC Divide and Conquer 40350DMPK Destroy Memory Protect Key 40351DO Divide and Overflow 40352EMPC Emulate Pocket Calculator 40353EPI Execute Programmer Immediately 40354EROS Erase Read Only Storage 40355EXCE Execute Customer Engineer 40356HCF Halt and Catch Fire 40357IBP Insert Bug and Proceed 40358INSQSW Insert into queue somewhere (for FINO queues [First in never out]) 40359PBC Print and Break Chain 40360PDSK Punch Disk 40361% 40362Proposed Additions to the PDP-11 Instruction Set: 40363 40364PI Punch Invalid 40365POPI Punch Operator Immediately 40366PVLC Punch Variable Length Card 40367RASC Read And Shred Card 40368RPM Read Programmers Mind 40369RSSC Reduce Speed, Step Carefully (for improved accuracy) 40370RTAB Rewind Tape and Break 40371RWDSK Rewind Disk 40372RWOC Read Writing On Card 40373SCRBL Scribble to disk - faster than a write 40374SLC Search for Lost Chord 40375SPSW Scramble Program Status Word 40376SRSD Seek Record and Scar Disk 40377STROM Store in Read Only Memory 40378TDB Transfer and Drop Bit 40379WBT Water Binary Tree 40380% 40381Prosperity makes friends, adversity tries them. 40382 -- Publilius Syrus 40383% 40384Prototype designs always work. 40385 -- Don Vonada 40386% 40387prototype, n. 40388 First stage in the life cycle of a computer product, followed by 40389 pre-alpha, alpha, beta, release version, corrected release version, 40390 upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the 40391 prototype is not expected to work. 40392% 40393"Protozoa are small, and bacteria are small, but viruses are smaller 40394than the both put together." 40395% 40396Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities 40397where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf. 40398% 40399Prunes give you a run for your money. 40400% 40401Pryor's Observation: 40402 How long you live has nothing to do 40403 with how long you are going to be dead. 40404% 40405Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check 40406three friends. If they're OK, you're it. 40407% 40408Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents' 40409shortcomings. 40410 -- Dr. Laurence J. Peter, "Peter's Principles" 40411% 40412Psychics will soon lead dogs to your body. 40413% 40414Psychoanalysis is that mental illness for which it regards itself 40415a therapy. 40416 -- Karl Kraus 40417 40418Psychiatry is the care of the id by the odd. 40419 40420Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you. 40421 -- C. G. Jung 40422% 40423psychologist, n: 40424 Someone who watches everyone else when an attractive woman walks 40425 into a room. 40426% 40427Psychologists think they're experimental psychologists. 40428Experimental psychologists think they're biologists. 40429Biologists think they're biochemists. 40430Biochemists think they're chemists. 40431Chemists think they're physical chemists. 40432Physical chemists think they're physicists. 40433Physicists think they're theoretical physicists. 40434Theoretical physicists think they're mathematicians. 40435Mathematicians think they're metamathematicians. 40436Metamathematicians think they're philosophers. 40437Philosophers think they're gods. 40438% 40439Psychology. Mind over matter. 40440Mind under matter? It doesn't matter. 40441Never mind. 40442% 40443Psychotherapy is the theory that the patient will probably get well 40444anyhow and is certainly a damn fool. 40445 -- H. L. Mencken 40446% 40447Public use of any portable music system is a 40448virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies. 40449 -- Zoso 40450% 40451Publishing a volume of verse is like dropping 40452a rose petal down the Grand Canyon and waiting for the echo. 40453% 40454Pudder's Law: 40455 Anything that begins well will end badly. 40456 (Note: The converse of Pudder's law is not true.) 40457% 40458Punning is the worst vice, and there's no vice versa. 40459% 40460Puns are little "plays on words" that a certain breed of person loves 40461to spring on you and then look at you in a certain self-satisfied way 40462to indicate that he thinks that you must think that he is by far the 40463cleverest person on Earth now that Benjamin Franklin is dead, when in 40464fact what you are thinking is that if this person ever ends up in a 40465lifeboat, the other passengers will hurl him overboard by the end of 40466the first day even if they have plenty of food and water. 40467 -- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny" 40468% 40469Pure drivel tends to drive ordinary drivel off the TV screen. 40470% 40471PURGE COMPLETE. 40472% 40473PURITAN: 40474 Someone who is deathly afraid that 40475 someone, somewhere, is having fun. 40476% 40477Puritanism -- the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy. 40478 -- H. L. Mencken, "A Book of Burlesques" 40479% 40480PURPITATION: 40481 To take something off the grocery shelf, decide you 40482 don't want it, and then put it in another section. 40483 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 40484% 40485Push where it gives and scratch where it itches. 40486% 40487Pushing 30 is exercise enough. 40488% 40489Pushing 40 is exercise enough. 40490% 40491Put a pot of chili on the stove to simmer. 40492Let it simmer. Meanwhile, broil a good steak. 40493Eat the steak. Let the chili simmer. Ignore it. 40494 -- Recipe for chili from Allan Shrivers, former governor 40495 of Texas. 40496% 40497Put a rogue in the limelight and he will act like an honest man. 40498 -- Napoleon Bonaparte, "Maxims" 40499% 40500Put all your eggs in one basket and -- WATCH THAT BASKET. 40501 -- Mark Twain 40502% 40503Put another password in, 40504Bomb it out, then try again. 40505Try to get past logging in, 40506We're hacking, hacking, hacking. 40507 40508Try his first wife's maiden name, 40509This is more than just a game. 40510It's real fun, but just the same, 40511It's hacking, hacking, hacking. 40512% 40513Put cats in the coffee and mice in the tea! 40514% 40515Put no trust in cryptic comments. 40516% 40517Put not your trust in money, but put your money in trust. 40518% 40519Put your best foot forward. 40520Or just call in and say you're sick. 40521% 40522Put your brain in gear before starting your mouth in motion. 40523% 40524Put your Nose to the Grindstone! 40525 -- Amalgamated Plastic Surgeons and Toolmakers, Ltd. 40526% 40527Put your trust in those who are worthy. 40528% 40529Putt's Law: 40530 Technology is dominated by two types of people: 40531 Those who understand what they do not manage. 40532 Those who manage what they do not understand. 40533% 40534Pyro's of the world... IGNITE !!! 40535% 40536Q: Are we not men? 40537A: We are Vaxen. 40538% 40539Q: Do you know what the death rate around here is? 40540A: One per person. 40541% 40542Q: Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism? 40543A: He got re-possessed! 40544% 40545Q: How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert? 40546A: With three more bullets. 40547% 40548Q: How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with 40549 your wife? 40550A: You have to wait 22 months. 40551% 40552Q: How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back 40553 in a hurricane? 40554A: You can hear his ears flapping in the wind. 40555% 40556Q: How can you tell when a Burroughs salesman is lying? 40557A: When his lips move. 40558% 40559Q: How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree? 40560A: He sat on an acorn and waited for spring. 40561 40562Q: But how did he get back down? 40563A: He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn. 40564% 40565Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence? 40566A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence. 40567% 40568Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit? 40569A: Unique up on it! 40570 40571Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit? 40572A: The tame way! 40573% 40574Q: How do you keep a moron in suspense? 40575% 40576Q: How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal? 40577A: While he's not looking, switch it to "local". 40578% 40579Q: How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont? 40580A: The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles. 40581% 40582Q: How do you make an elephant float? 40583A: You get two scoops of elephant and some rootbeer... 40584% 40585Q: How do you save a drowning lawyer? 40586A: Throw him a rock. 40587% 40588Q: How do you shoot a blue elephant? 40589A: With a blue-elephant gun. 40590 40591Q: How do you shoot a pink elephant? 40592A: Twist its trunk until it turns blue, then shoot it with 40593 a blue-elephant gun. 40594% 40595Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging? 40596A: Take away his credit cards. 40597% 40598Q: How does a hacker fix a function which 40599 doesn't work for all of the elements in its domain? 40600A: He changes the domain. 40601% 40602Q: How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches? 40603A: She asks them for a commitment. 40604% 40605Q: How does a WASP propose marriage? 40606A: "How would you like to be buried with my people?" 40607% 40608Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb? 40609A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment 40610 of license fee (binary only). 40611% 40612Q: How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb? 40613A: Two. One to assure everyone that everything possible is being 40614 done while the other screws the bulb into the water faucet. 40615% 40616Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 40617A: Five. One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the 40618 experience. (Actually, Californians don't screw in 40619 lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.) 40620 40621Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? 40622A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all 40623 those Californians trying to share the experience. 40624% 40625Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 40626A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it. 40627% 40628Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat? 40629A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires. 40630 40631Q: How long does it take? 40632A: It's indeterminate. It will depend upon how many flats they've 40633 brought with them. 40634 40635Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats? 40636A: They replace your generator. 40637% 40638Q: How many Democrats does it take to enjoy a good joke? 40639A: One more than you can find. 40640% 40641Q: How many elephants can you fit in a VW Bug? 40642A: Four. Two in the front, two in the back. 40643 40644Q: How can you tell if an elephant is in your refrigerator? 40645A: There's a footprint in the mayo. 40646 40647Q: How can you tell if two elephants are in your refrigerator? 40648A: There's two footprints in the mayo. 40649 40650Q: How can you tell if three elephants are in your refrigerator? 40651A: The door won't shut. 40652 40653Q: How can you tell if four elephants are in your refrigerator? 40654A: There's a VW Bug in your driveway. 40655% 40656Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 40657A: Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb 40658 itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective 40659 reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward 40660 a maudlin cosmos of nothingness. 40661% 40662Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 40663A: None. We'll fix it in software. 40664 40665Q: How many system programmers does it take to change a light bulb? 40666A: None. The application can work around it. 40667 40668Q: How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? 40669A: None. We'll document it in the manual. 40670 40671Q: How many tech writers does it take to change a lightbulb? 40672A: None. The user can figure it out. 40673% 40674Q: How many Harvard MBAs does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 40675A: Just one. He grasps it firmly and the universe revolves around him. 40676% 40677Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light bulb 40678 in San Francisco? 40679A: Both of them. 40680% 40681Q: How many IBM 370s does it take to execute a job? 40682A: Four, three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. 40683% 40684Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to do a logical right shift? 40685A: 33. 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register. 40686% 40687Q: How many IBM CPUs does it take to execute a job? 40688A: Four; three to hold it down, and one to rip its head off. 40689% 40690Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? 40691A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-0001, 40692 Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of 40693 the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% 40694 of the definitions are of the form "A ...... consists of sequences 40695 of non-blank characters separated by blanks". 40696% 40697Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb? 40698A: Fifteen. One to do it, and fourteen to write document number 40699 GC7500439-0001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, 40700 of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally 40701 left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A:..... 40702 consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks". 40703% 40704Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 40705A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring 40706 light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government 40707 plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer 40708 prize for reporting that Electric Company hired a lightbulb 40709 assassin to break the bulb in the first place. 40710% 40711Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? 40712A: One. Only it's his light bulb when he's done. 40713% 40714Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? 40715A: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the 40716party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith 40717agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed 40718from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed 40719upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of 40720the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the entryway, terminating 40721at an area just inside the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of 40722the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the 40723second part and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the 40724parties. 40725 The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be 40726limited to, the following. The party of the first part shall, with or without 40727elevation at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other 40728means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part and rotate the party 40729of the second part in a counter-clockwise direction, this point being tendered 40730non-negotiable. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part 40731becomes fully detached from the receptacle, the party of the first part shall 40732have the option of disposing of the party of the second part in a manner 40733consistent with all relevant and applicable local, state and federal statutes. 40734Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part 40735shall have the option of beginning installation. Aforesaid installation shall 40736occur in a manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in 40737step one of this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation 40738should occur in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable. 40739The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the 40740first part, by any or all agents authorized by him, the objective being to 40741produce the most possible revenue for the Partnership. 40742% 40743Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? 40744A: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if 40745 you're looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb... 40746% 40747Q: How many marketing people does it take to change a lightbulb? 40748A: I'll have to get back to you on that. 40749% 40750Q: How many Martians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 40751A: One and a half. 40752% 40753Q: How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 40754A: None: The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution. 40755% 40756Q: How many mathematicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 40757A: One. He gives it to six Californians, thereby reducing the problem 40758 to the earlier joke. 40759% 40760Q: How many members of the U.S.S. Enterprise does it take to change a 40761 light bulb? 40762A: Seven. Scotty has to report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in 40763 the Engineering Section is getting dim, at which point Kirk will send 40764 Bones to pronounce the bulb dead (although he'll immediately claim 40765 that he's a doctor, not an electrician). Scotty, after checking 40766 around, realizes that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains 40767 that he "canna" see in the dark. Kirk will make an emergency stop at 40768 the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb 40769 from the natives, who, are friendly, but seem to be hiding something. 40770 Kirk, Spock, Bones, Yeoman Rand and two red shirt security officers 40771 beam down to the planet, where the two security officers are promptly 40772 killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. 40773 As something begins to develop between the Captain and Yeoman Rand, 40774 Scotty, back in orbit, is attacked by a Klingon destroyer and must 40775 warp out of orbit. Although badly outgunned, he cripples the Klingon 40776 and races back to the planet in order to rescue Kirk et. al. who have 40777 just saved the natives' from an awful fate and, as a reward, been 40778 given all lightbulbs they can carry. The new bulb is then inserted 40779 and the Enterprise continues on its five year mission. 40780% 40781Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb? 40782A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all those 40783 Californians trying to share the experience. 40784% 40785Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light 40786 bulb? 40787A: Three. One to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the 40788 witness. 40789% 40790Q: How many pre-med's does it take to change a lightbulb? 40791A: Five: One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder 40792 out from under him. 40793% 40794Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? 40795A: Only one, but it takes a long time, and the light bulb has 40796 to really want to change. 40797% 40798Q: How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb? 40799A: Twelve. One to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven to 40800 self-destruct the ship out of disgrace. 40801 40802 [Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans or else be ready for 40803 a fight. They consider it to be a disgrace, though it's 40804 pretty good for a LBJ. Ed.] 40805% 40806Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? 40807A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub 40808 with brightly colored machine tools. 40809% 40810Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? 40811A: Two, one to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub 40812 with brightly colored machine tools. 40813 40814 [Surrealist jokes just aren't my cup of fur. Ed.] 40815% 40816Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a lightbulb? 40817A: One. 40818% 40819Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb? 40820A: None. The Universe spins the bulb, and the Zen master stays out 40821 of the way. 40822% 40823Q: How much does it cost to ride the Unibus? 40824A: 2 bits. 40825% 40826Q: How was Thomas J. Watson buried? 40827A: 9 edge down. 40828% 40829Q: Know what the difference between your latest project 40830 and putting wings on an elephant is? 40831A: Who knows? The elephant *might* fly, heh, heh... 40832% 40833Q: Minnesotans ask, "Why aren't there more pharmacists from Alabama?" 40834A: Easy. It's because they can't figure out how to get the little 40835 bottles into the typewriter. 40836% 40837Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. 40838 What should I do? 40839A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on 40840 believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably 40841 be the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you 40842 can. No time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to 40843 see if somebody else has made the correction. And it's not good 40844 enough to send the message by mail. Since you're the only one who 40845 really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have to inform the 40846 whole net right away! 40847 -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your Questions 40848 on Netiquette" 40849% 40850Q: Somebody just posted that Roman Polanski directed Star Wars. What 40851 should I do? 40852A: Post the correct answer at once! We can't have people go on 40853 believing that! Very good of you to spot this. You'll probably be 40854 the only one to make the correction, so post as soon as you can. No 40855 time to lose, so certainly don't wait a day, or check to see if 40856 somebody else has made the correction. 40857 40858 And it's not good enough to send the message by mail. Since you're 40859 the only one who really knows that it was Francis Coppola, you have 40860 to inform the whole net right away! 40861 -- Brad Templeton, "Emily Postnews Answers Your 40862 Questions on Netiquette" 40863% 40864Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming over the hill? 40865A: "The elephants are coming over the hill." 40866 40867Q: What did he say when saw them coming over the hill wearing 40868 sunglasses? 40869A: Nothing, for he didn't recognize them. 40870% 40871Q: What do a blonde and your computer have in common? 40872A: You don't know how much either of them mean to you until 40873 they go down on you. 40874 40875Q: What's the advantage to being married to a blonde? 40876A: You can park in the handicapped zone. 40877 40878Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw 40879 puzzle in only 6 months? 40880A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years". 40881% 40882Q: What do little WASPs want to be when they grow up? 40883A: The very best person they can possibly be. 40884% 40885Q: What do monsters eat? 40886A: Things. 40887 40888Q: What do monsters drink? 40889A: Coke. (Because Things go better with Coke.) 40890% 40891Q: What do they call the alphabet in Arkansas? 40892A: The impossible dream. 40893% 40894Q: What do WASPs do instead of making love? 40895A: Rule the country. 40896% 40897Q: What do Winnie the Pooh and John the Baptist have in common? 40898A: The same middle name. 40899% 40900Q: What do you call 15 blondes in a circle? 40901A: A dope ring. 40902 40903Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails? 40904A: To cover up the valve stem. 40905% 40906Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal? 40907A: Diyathinkhesaurus. 40908 40909Q: What do you call a blind pre-historic animal with a dog? 40910A: Diyathinkhesaurus Rex. 40911% 40912Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? 40913A: A stick. 40914% 40915Q: What do you call a brunette between two blondes? 40916A: An interpreter. 40917 40918Q: Why do blondes have square breasts? 40919A: They forgot to take the tissues out of the box. 40920 40921Q: What do you call ten blonds in a row? 40922A: A wind tunnel. 40923% 40924Q: What do you call a dog with no legs? 40925A: What does it matter? He can't come anyway. 40926 40927 [I got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette. 40928 Every night, I take him out for a drag. Ed.] 40929% 40930Q: What do you call a group of kids with low IQs, drinking diet cola, 40931 eating fruit, and singing? 40932A: The Moron Tab and Apple Choir. 40933% 40934Q: What do you call a half-dozen Indians with Asian flu? 40935A: Six sick Sikhs (sic). 40936% 40937Q: What do you call a million cats at the bottom of Lake Michigan? 40938A: A good start. 40939% 40940Q: What do you call a principal female opera singer whose high C 40941 is lower than those of other principal female opera singers? 40942A: A deep C diva. 40943% 40944Q: What do you call a TV set that fixes itself? 40945A: A Christian Science Monitor. 40946% 40947Q: What do you call a WASP who doesn't work for his father, isn't a 40948 lawyer, and believes in social causes? 40949A: A failure. 40950% 40951Q: What do you call the money you pay to the government when 40952 you ride into the country on the back of an elephant? 40953A: A howdah duty. 40954% 40955Q: What do you call the scratches that you get when a female 40956 sheep bites you? 40957A: Ewe nicks. 40958% 40959Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard? 40960A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand! 40961% 40962Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with an attorney? 40963A: An offer you can't understand. 40964% 40965Q: What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole? 40966A: Hot cross bunnies! 40967% 40968Q: What do you have when you have a lawyer buried up to his neck in sand? 40969A: Not enough sand. 40970% 40971Q: What does a blonde do first thing in the morning? 40972A: She goes home. 40973 40974Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress? 40975A: To keep her neck warm. 40976 40977Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday? 40978A: Tell her a joke on Friday. 40979% 40980Q: What does a WASP Mom make for dinner? 40981A: A crisp salad, a hearty soup, a lovely entree, followed by 40982 a delicious dessert. 40983% 40984Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota? 40985A: Open other end. 40986% 40987Q: What goes: Sis! Boom! Baaaaah! 40988A: Exploding sheep. 40989% 40990Q: What happens when four WASPs find themselves in the same room? 40991A: A dinner party. 40992% 40993Q: What is green and lives in the ocean? 40994A: Moby Pickle. 40995% 40996Q: What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has two of? 40997A: Feet. 40998% 40999Q: What is orange and goes "click, click?" 41000A: A ball point carrot. 41001% 41002Q: What is printed on the bottom of beer bottles in Minnesota? 41003A: Open other end. 41004% 41005Q: What is purple and commutes? 41006A: A boolean grape. 41007% 41008Q: What is purple and commutes? 41009A: An Abelian grape. 41010% 41011Q: What is purple and concord the world? 41012A: Alexander the Grape. 41013% 41014Q: What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic 41015 existentialist? 41016A: Is there a dog? 41017% 41018Q: What is the difference between a duck? 41019A: One leg is both the same. 41020% 41021Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt? 41022A: Yogurt has culture. 41023% 41024Q: What is the last thing a Kansas stripper takes off? 41025A: Her bowling shoes. 41026% 41027Q: What is the mating call of a blonde? 41028A: I think I'm drunk. 41029 41030Q: What's the call of a disappointed blonde? 41031A: I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk! 41032 41033Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? 41034A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!" 41035% 41036Q: What is the sound of one cat napping? 41037A: Mu. 41038% 41039Q: What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches? 41040A: A nervous wreck. 41041% 41042Q: What looks like a cat, flies like a bat, brays like a donkey, and 41043 plays like a monkey? 41044A: Nothing. 41045% 41046Q: What's a light-year? 41047A: One-third less calories than a regular year. 41048% 41049Q: What's black and white and red all over? 41050A: Two nuns in a chainsaw fight. 41051% 41052Q: What's bruised, bleeding, and lies in a ditch? 41053A: Somebody who tells Aggie jokes. 41054% 41055Q: What's tan and black and looks great on a lawyer? 41056A: A Doberman. 41057% 41058Q: What's the Blonde's cheer? 41059A: I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N... ah, oh well.. 41060 I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea... 41061 41062Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette? 41063A: Artificial intelligence. 41064 41065Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes light up? 41066A: Shine a flashlight in their ear. 41067% 41068Q: What's the capital of Canada? 41069A: American. 41070% 41071Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead 41072 lawyer in the road? 41073A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. 41074% 41075Q: What's the difference between a duck and an elephant? 41076A: You can't get down off an elephant. 41077% 41078Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch? 41079A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen. 41080% 41081Q: What's the difference between a RHU cheerleader and a whale? 41082A: The moustache. 41083% 41084Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? 41085A: One more drunk. 41086% 41087Q: What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America? 41088A: The Boy Scouts have adult supervision. 41089% 41090Q: What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt? 41091A: Yogurt has a living, active culture. 41092% 41093Q: What's the difference between USL and the Graf Zeppelin? 41094A: The Graf Zeppelin represented cutting edge technology for its time. 41095% 41096Q: What's the difference between USL and the Titanic? 41097A: The Titanic had a band. 41098% 41099Q: What's tiny and yellow and very, very, dangerous? 41100A: A canary with the super-user password. 41101% 41102Q: What's yellow, and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice? 41103A: Zorn's Lemon. 41104% 41105Q: Where's the Lone Ranger take his garbage? 41106A: To the dump, to the dump, to the dump dump dump! 41107 41108Q: What's the Pink Panther say when he steps on an ant hill? 41109A: Dead ant, dead ant, dead ant dead ant dead ant... 41110% 41111Q: Who cuts the grass on Walton's Mountain? 41112A: Lawn Boy. 41113% 41114Q: Why are Jewish divorces so expensive? 41115A: Because they're worth it! 41116% 41117Q: Why did the astrophysicist order three hamburgers? 41118A: Because he was hungry. 41119% 41120Q: Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall? 41121A: To see what was on the other side. 41122 41123Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels? 41124A: More head room. 41125 41126Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex? 41127A: She opens the car door. 41128% 41129Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? 41130A: He was giving it last rites. 41131% 41132Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? 41133A: To see his friend Gregory peck. 41134 41135Q: Why did the chicken cross the playground? 41136A: To get to the other slide. 41137% 41138Q: Why did the germ cross the microscope? 41139A: To get to the other slide. 41140% 41141Q: Why did the lone ranger kill Tonto? 41142A: He found out what "kemosabe" really means. 41143% 41144Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"? 41145A: Because he left a residue at every pole. 41146% 41147Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance? 41148A: Because that was her name. 41149% 41150Q: Why did the tachyon cross the road? 41151A: Because it was on the other side. 41152% 41153Q: Why did the WASP cross the road? 41154A: To get to the middle. 41155% 41156Q: Why do ducks have big flat feet? 41157A: To stamp out forest fires. 41158 41159Q: Why do elephants have big flat feet? 41160A: To stamp out flaming ducks. 41161% 41162Q: Why do ducks have flat feet? 41163A: To stamp out forest fires. 41164 41165Q: Why do elephants have flat feet? 41166A: To stamp out flaming ducks. 41167% 41168Q: Why do firemen wear red suspenders? 41169A: To conform with departmental regulations concerning uniform dress. 41170% 41171Q: Why do mountain climbers rope themselves together? 41172A: To prevent the sensible ones from going home. 41173% 41174Q: Why do people who live near Niagara Falls have flat foreheads? 41175A: Because every morning they wake up thinking "What *is* that noise? 41176 Oh, right, *of course*! 41177% 41178Q: Why do the police always travel in threes? 41179A: One to do the reading, one to do the writing, and the other keeps 41180 an eye on the two intellectuals. 41181% 41182Q: Why does Washington have the most lawyers per capita and 41183 New Jersey the most toxic waste dumps? 41184A: God gave New Jersey first choice. 41185% 41186Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles? 41187A: Because they get their head stuck in the jars. 41188 41189Q: Why do blondes wear underwear? 41190A: To keep their ankles warm. 41191 41192Q: How do you kill a blonde? 41193A: Put spikes in her shoulder pads. 41194% 41195Q: Why don't lawyers go to the beach? 41196A: The cats keep trying to bury them. 41197% 41198Q: Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it? 41199A: Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar. If they drink 41200 it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while 41201 visiting, they always take three. 41202% 41203Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? 41204A: You do all of the work and the fat guy in the suit 41205 gets all the credit. 41206% 41207Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation 41208 function, the more expensive it becomes to compute? 41209A: That's the Law of Spline Demand. 41210% 41211Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks? 41212A: It takes too long to retrain them. 41213 41214Q: What's the mating call of the brunette? 41215A: All the blondes have gone home! 41216 41217Q: How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer? 41218A: There's white-out on the screen. 41219% 41220Q: Why should you always serve a Southern Carolina football man 41221 soup in a plate? 41222A: 'Cause if you give him a bowl, he'll throw it away. 41223% 41224Q: Why was Stonehenge abandoned? 41225A: It wasn't IBM compatible. 41226% 41227QED. 41228% 41229QOTD: 41230 "A child of 5 could understand this! Fetch me a child of 5." 41231% 41232QOTD: 41233 "A university faculty is 500 egotists with a common parking problem." 41234% 41235QOTD: 41236 All I want is a little more than I'll ever get. 41237% 41238QOTD: 41239 All I want is more than my fair share. 41240% 41241QOTD: 41242 "Dead people are good at running because they don't 41243 have to stop and breathe." 41244 -- Hokey, watching "Night of the Living Dead" 41245% 41246QOTD: 41247 "Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to be let out alone." 41248% 41249QOTD: 41250 "East is east... and let's keep it that way." 41251% 41252QOTD: 41253 "Every morning I read the obituaries; if my name's not there, 41254 I go to work." 41255% 41256QOTD: 41257 Everything I am today I owe to people, whom it is now 41258 to late to punish. 41259% 41260QOTD: 41261 Flash! Flash! I love you! ...but we only have fourteen hours to 41262 save the earth! 41263% 41264QOTD: 41265 "He eats like a bird... five times his own weight each day." 41266% 41267QOTD: 41268 "Her other car is a broom." 41269% 41270QOTD: 41271 "He's a perfectionist. If he married Raquel Welch, he'd expect 41272 her to cook." 41273% 41274QOTD: 41275 "He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom." 41276% 41277QOTD: 41278 How can I miss you if you won't go away? 41279% 41280QOTD: 41281 "I ain't broke, but I'm badly bent." 41282% 41283QOTD: 41284 "I am not sure what this is, but an `F' would only dignify it." 41285% 41286QOTD: 41287 "I don't think they could put him in a mental hospital. On the 41288other hand, if he were already in, I don't think they'd let him out." 41289% 41290QOTD: 41291 "I drive my car quietly, for it goes without saying." 41292% 41293QOTD: 41294 "I haven't come far enough, and don't call me baby." 41295% 41296QOTD: 41297 I looked out my window, and saw Kyle Pettys' car upside down, 41298 then I thought, "One of us is in real trouble." 41299 -- Davey Allison, on a 150 m.p.h. crash 41300% 41301QOTD: 41302 I love your outfit, does it come in your size? 41303% 41304QOTD: 41305 "I may not be able to walk, but I drive from the sitting position." 41306% 41307QOTD: 41308 "I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!" 41309% 41310QOTD: 41311 I opened Pandora's box, let the cat out of the bag and put the 41312 ball in their court. 41313 -- Hon. J. Hacker (The Ministry of Administrative Affairs) 41314% 41315QOTD: 41316 "I sprinkled some baking powder over a couple of potatoes, but it 41317 didn't work." 41318% 41319QOTD: 41320 "I thought I saw a unicorn on the way over, but it was just a 41321 horse with one of the horns broken off." 41322% 41323QOTD: 41324 "I treat her like a thoroughbred, and she's STILL a nag!" 41325% 41326QOTD: 41327 "I tried buying a goat instead of a lawn tractor; had to return 41328 it though. Couldn't figure out a way to connect the snow blower." 41329% 41330QOTD: 41331 "I used to be an idealist, but I got mugged by reality." 41332% 41333QOTD: 41334 "I used to be lost in the shuffle, now I just shuffle along with 41335 the lost." 41336% 41337QOTD: 41338 "I used to get high on life but lately I've built up a resistance." 41339% 41340QOTD: 41341 "I used to go to UCLA, but then my Dad got a job." 41342% 41343QOTD: 41344 "I used to jog, but the ice kept bouncing out of my glass." 41345% 41346QOTD: 41347 "I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..." 41348 -- Kathy Ireland 41349% 41350QOTD: 41351 "I won't say he's untruthful, but his wife has to call the 41352 dog for dinner." 41353% 41354QOTD: 41355 "I'd never marry a woman who didn't like pizza. I might play 41356 golf with her, but I wouldn't marry her." 41357% 41358QOTD: 41359 "If he learns from his mistakes, pretty soon he'll know everything." 41360% 41361QOTD: 41362 "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't need the aftershave." 41363% 41364QOTD: 41365 "If I'm what I eat, I'm a chocolate chip cookie." 41366% 41367QOTD: 41368 If it's too loud, you're too old. 41369% 41370QOTD: 41371 "If you keep an open mind people will throw a lot of garbage in it." 41372% 41373QOTD: 41374 If you're looking for trouble, I can offer you a wide selection. 41375% 41376QOTD: 41377 "I'll listen to reason when it comes out on CD." 41378% 41379QOTD: 41380 "I'm just a boy named `su'..." 41381% 41382QOTD: 41383 I'm not a nerd -- I'm "socially challenged". 41384% 41385QOTD: 41386 I'm not bald -- I'm "hair challenged". 41387 41388 [I thought that was "differently haired". Ed.] 41389% 41390QOTD: 41391 "I'm not really for apathy, but I'm not against it either..." 41392% 41393QOTD: 41394 "I'm on a seafood diet -- I see food and I eat it." 41395% 41396QOTD: 41397 "In the shopping mall of the mind, he's in the toy department." 41398% 41399QOTD: 41400 "It seems to me that your antenna doesn't bring in too many 41401 stations anymore." 41402% 41403QOTD: 41404 "It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his 41405 hands in his own pockets." 41406% 41407QOTD: 41408 "It wouldn't have been anything, even if it were gonna be a thing." 41409% 41410QOTD: 41411 "It's a cold bowl of chili, when love don't work out." 41412% 41413QOTD: 41414 "It's a dog-eat-dog world, and I'm wearing Milk Bone underwear." 41415% 41416QOTD: 41417 "It's been Monday all week today." 41418% 41419QOTD: 41420 "It's been real and it's been fun, but it hasn't been real fun." 41421% 41422QOTD: 41423 "It's hard to tell whether he has an ace up his sleeve or if 41424 the ace is missing from his deck altogether." 41425% 41426QOTD: 41427 "It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name." 41428% 41429QOTD: 41430 "It's not the despair... I can stand the despair. It's the hope." 41431% 41432QOTD: 41433 "It's sort of a threat, you see. I've never been very good at 41434 them myself, but I'm told they can be very effective." 41435% 41436QOTD: 41437 "I've always wanted to work in the Federal Mint. And then go on 41438 strike. To make less money." 41439% 41440QOTD: 41441 "I've got one last thing to say before I go; give me back 41442 all of my stuff." 41443% 41444QOTD: 41445 I've heard about civil Engineers, but I've never met one. 41446% 41447QOTD: 41448 "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing 41449 trivial." 41450% 41451QOTD: 41452 "Just how much can I get away with and still go to heaven?" 41453% 41454QOTD: 41455 Lack of planning on your part doesn't constitute an emergency 41456 on my part. 41457% 41458QOTD: 41459 "Let's do it." 41460 -- Gary Gilmore, to his firing squad 41461% 41462QOTD: 41463 "Like this rose, our love will wilt and die." 41464% 41465QOTD: 41466 Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical 41467 mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying 41468 on the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn. 41469 -- Goodstein, States of Matter 41470% 41471QOTD: 41472 Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch. 41473% 41474QOTD: 41475 "My ambition is to marry a rich woman who's too proud to let 41476 her husband work." 41477% 41478QOTD: 41479 "My life is a soap opera, but who gets the movie rights?" 41480% 41481QOTD: 41482 My mother was the travel agent for guilt trips. 41483% 41484QOTD: 41485 "My shampoo lasts longer than my relationships." 41486% 41487QOTD: 41488 "Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with 41489 a fake?" 41490% 41491QOTD: 41492 "Of course there's no reason for it, it's just our policy." 41493% 41494QOTD: 41495 "Oh, no, no... I'm not beautiful. Just very, very pretty." 41496% 41497QOTD: 41498 On a scale of 1 to 10 I'd say... oh, somewhere in there. 41499% 41500QOTD: 41501 "Our parents were never our age." 41502% 41503QOTD: 41504 "Overweight is when you step on your dog's tail and it dies." 41505% 41506QOTD: 41507 Sacred cows make great hamburgers. 41508% 41509QOTD: 41510 "Say, you look pretty athletic. What say we put a pair of tennis 41511 shoes on you and run you into the wall?" 41512% 41513QOTD: 41514 Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing. 41515% 41516QOTD: 41517 "She's about as smart as bait." 41518% 41519QOTD: 41520 Silence is the only virtue he has left. 41521% 41522QOTD: 41523 Some people have one of those days. I've had one of those lives. 41524% 41525QOTD: 41526 "Sure, I turned down a drink once. Didn't understand the question." 41527% 41528QOTD: 41529 Talent does what it can, genius what it must. 41530 I do what I get paid to do. 41531% 41532QOTD: 41533 "The baby was so ugly they had to hang a pork chop around its 41534 neck to get the dog to play with it." 41535% 41536QOTD: 41537 "The elder gods went to Suggoth and all I got was this lousy T-shirt." 41538% 41539QOTD: 41540 The forest may be quiet, but that doesn't mean 41541 the snakes have gone away. 41542% 41543QOTD: 41544 The only easy way to tell a hamster from a gerbil is that the 41545 gerbil has more dark meat. 41546% 41547QOTD: 41548 "There may be no excuse for laziness, but I'm sure looking." 41549% 41550QOTD: 41551 "This is a one line proof... if we start sufficiently far to the 41552 left." 41553% 41554QOTD: 41555 "To hell with patience, I'm gonna kill me something!" 41556% 41557QOTD: 41558 "Unlucky? If I bought a pumpkin farm, they'd cancel Halloween." 41559% 41560QOTD: 41561 "What do you mean, you had the dog fixed? Just what made you 41562 think he was broken!" 41563% 41564QOTD: 41565 "What I like most about myself is that I'm so understanding 41566 when I mess things up." 41567% 41568QOTD: 41569 "What women and psychologists call `dropping your armor', we call 41570 "baring your neck." 41571% 41572QOTD: 41573 "Who? Me? No, no, NO!! But I do sell rugs." 41574% 41575QOTD: 41576 "Wouldn't it be wonderful if real life supported control-Z?" 41577% 41578QOTD: 41579 Y'know how s'm people treat th'r body like a TEMPLE? 41580 Well, I treat mine like 'n AMUSEMENT PARK... S'great... 41581% 41582QOTD: 41583 "You want me to put *holes* in my ears and hang things from them? 41584 How... tribal." 41585% 41586QOTD: 41587 "You're so dumb you don't even have wisdom teeth." 41588% 41589Quack! 41590 Quack!! Quack!! 41591% 41592Quality control: 41593 Assuring that the quality of a product does not get out of hand 41594 and add to the cost of its manufacture or design. 41595% 41596QUALITY CONTROL: 41597 The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off a 41598 production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works. 41599% 41600Quality Control, n.: 41601 The process of testing one out of every 1,000 units coming off 41602a production line to make sure that at least one out of 100 works. 41603% 41604Quantity is no substitute for quality, 41605but its the only one we've got. 41606% 41607Quantum Mechanics is a lovely introduction to Hilbert Spaces! 41608 -- Overheard at last year's Archimedeans' Garden Party 41609% 41610Quantum Mechanics is God's version of "Trust me." 41611% 41612QUARK: 41613 The sound made by a well bred duck. 41614% 41615Quark! Quark! Beware the quantum duck! 41616% 41617Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in 41618exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday. Mannis feels he must 41619devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate 41620from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to 41621Nazi Martin Bormann. A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are 41622weighing the odds of a slander suit. Mayor Koch could naturally be 41623reached for comment, but we chose not to listen. 41624 -- Dennis Miller 41625% 41626question = ( to ) ? be : ! be; 41627 -- William Shakespeare 41628% 41629QUESTION AUTHORITY. 41630 41631(Sez who?) 41632% 41633Question: Is it better to abide by the rules until 41634they're changed or help speed the change by breaking them? 41635% 41636Questionable day. 41637Ask somebody something. 41638% 41639Question: 41640Man Invented Alcohol, 41641God Invented Grass. 41642Who do you trust? 41643% 41644Questions are never indiscreet, answers sometimes are. 41645 -- Oscar Wilde 41646% 41647Quick!! Act as if nothing has happened! 41648% 41649Quick, sing me the BUDAPEST NATIONAL ANTHEM!! 41650% 41651Quidquid latine dictum sit, altum viditur. 41652 41653(Whatever is said in Latin sounds profound.) 41654% 41655Quigley's Law: 41656 Whoever has any authority over you, no matter how small, will 41657attempt to use it. 41658% 41659Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away. 41660 -- Robert Orben 41661% 41662Quite frankly, I don't like you humans. 41663After what you all have done, I find being "inhuman" a compliment. 41664% 41665QUOTE OF THE DAY: 41666 41667 ` 41668 41669% 41670Qvid me anxivs svm? 41671% 41672QWERT (kwirt), n. [MW < OW qwertyuiop, a thirteenth]: 41673 1. a unit of weight equal to 13 poiuyt avoirdupois (or 1.69 41674kiloliks), commonly used in structural engineering; 2. [colloq.] one 41675thirteenth the load that a fully grown sligo can carry; 3. [anat.] a 41676painful irritation of the dermis in the region of the anus; 4. [slang] 41677person who excites in others the symptoms of a qwert. 41678 -- Webster's Middle World Dictionary, 4th ed. 41679% 41680Radicalism: 41681 The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today. 41682 -- Ambrose Bierce 41683% 41684RADIO SHACK LEVEL II BASIC 41685READY 41686>_ 41687% 41688Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives. 41689% 41690Raffiniert ist der Herrgott aber boshaft ist er nicht. 41691 -- Albert Einstein 41692% 41693rain falls where clouds come 41694sun shines where clouds go 41695clouds just come and go 41696 -- Florian Gutzwiller 41697% 41698Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down. 41699% 41700Rainy days and Mondays always get me down. 41701% 41702Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity. 41703% 41704Ralph's Observation: 41705It is a mistake to let any mechanical object 41706realise that you are in a hurry. 41707% 41708RAM wasn't built in a day. 41709% 41710Random, n: 41711 as in number, predictable. 41712 as in memory access, unpredictable. 41713% 41714Rarely do people communicate; they just take turns talking. 41715% 41716Rascal, am I? Take THAT! 41717 -- Errol Flynn 41718% 41719Rattling around the back of my head is a disturbing image of something 41720I saw at the airport ... Now I'm remembering, those giant piles of 41721computer magazines right next to "People" and "Time" in the airport 41722store. Does it bother anyone else that half the world is being told 41723all of our hard-won secrets of computer technology? Remember how all 41724the lawyers cried foul when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are 41725they taking no-fault insurance lying down? No way! But at the current 41726rate it won't be long before there are stacks of the "Transactions on 41727Information Theory" at the A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be 41728impressed with us electrical engineers then? Are we, as the saying 41729goes, giving away the store? 41730 -- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE President 41731% 41732Ray's Rule of Precision: 41733 Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe. 41734% 41735Razors pain you; 41736Rivers are damp; 41737Acids stain you; 41738And drugs cause cramp. 41739Guns aren't lawful; 41740Nooses give; 41741Gas smells awful; 41742You might as well live. 41743 -- Dorothy Parker, "Resume", 1926 41744% 41745Re: Graphics: 41746 A picture is worth 10K words -- but only those to describe 41747 the picture. Hardly any sets of 10K words can be adequately 41748 described with pictures. 41749% 41750Reach into the thoughts of friends, 41751And find they do not know your name. 41752Squeeze the teddy bear too tight, 41753And watch the feathers burst the seams. 41754Touch the stained glass with your cheek, 41755And feel its chill upon your blood. 41756Hold a candle to the night, 41757And see the darkness bend the flame. 41758Tear the mask of peace from God, 41759And hear the roar of souls in hell. 41760Pluck a rose in name of love, 41761And watch the petals curl and wilt. 41762Lean upon the western wind, 41763And know you are alone. 41764 -- Dru Mims 41765% 41766Reactor error - core dumped! 41767% 41768Reader, suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of 41769Congress. But I repeat myself. 41770 -- Mark Twain 41771% 41772Reading is thinking with someone else's head instead of one's own. 41773% 41774Reading is to the mind what exercise is to the body. 41775% 41776Reagan can't act either. 41777% 41778Real computer scientists admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic 41779value but they find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is 41780much too large to implement. Most computer scientists don't notice 41781this because they are still arguing over what else to add to ADA. 41782% 41783Real computer scientists despise the idea of actual hardware. Hardware 41784has limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing 41785machines are so poor at I/O. 41786% 41787Real computer scientists don't comment their code. The identifiers are 41788so long they can't afford the disk space. 41789% 41790Real computer scientists don't program in assembler. They don't write 41791in anything less portable than a number two pencil. 41792% 41793Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker 41794with `programming systems', but those are so high level that they 41795hardly count (and rarely count accurately; precision is for 41796applications.) 41797% 41798Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how 41799could they read their mail? 41800% 41801Real computer scientists only write specs for languages that might run 41802on future hardware. Nobody trusts them to write specs for anything homo 41803sapiens will ever be able to fit on a single planet. 41804% 41805Real programmers admire ADA for its overwhelming aesthetic value but they 41806find it difficult to actually program in it, as it is much too large to 41807implement. Most computer scientists don't notice this because they are 41808still arguing over what else to add to ADA. 41809% 41810Real programmers disdain structured programming. Structured 41811programming is for compulsive neurotics who were prematurely toilet- 41812trained. They wear neckties and carefully line up pencils on otherwise 41813clear desks. 41814% 41815Real programmers don't bring brown-bag lunches. If the vending machine 41816doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending machines don't sell 41817quiche. 41818% 41819Real programmers don't document; if it was 41820hard to write, it should be hard to understand. 41821% 41822Real programmers don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the 41823illiterate's form of documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how 41824much good it did them. 41825% 41826Real Programmers don't eat quiche. They eat Twinkies and Szechwan food. 41827% 41828Real Programmers don't play tennis, or any other sport that requires 41829you to change clothes. Mountain climbing is OK, and real programmers 41830wear their climbing boots to work in case a mountain should suddenly 41831spring up in the middle of the machine room. 41832% 41833Real programmers don't write in BASIC. Actually, no programmers write 41834in BASIC after reaching puberty. 41835% 41836Real programmers don't write in FORTRAN. FORTRAN is for pipe stress 41837freaks and crystallography weenies. FORTRAN is for wimp engineers who 41838wear white socks. 41839% 41840Real Programmers don't write in FORTRAN. 41841FORTRAN is for pipe stress freaks and crystallography weenies. 41842% 41843Real Programmers don't write in PL/I. PL/I is for programmers who 41844can't decide whether to write in COBOL or FORTRAN. 41845% 41846Real Programmers think better when playing Adventure or Rogue. 41847% 41848Real programs don't eat cache. 41849% 41850Real Programs don't use shared text. Otherwise, how can they use 41851functions for scratch space after they are finished calling them? 41852% 41853Real software engineers don't debug programs, they verify correctness. 41854This process doesn't necessarily involve execution of anything on a 41855computer, except perhaps a Correctness Verification Aid package. 41856% 41857Real software engineers don't like the idea of some inexplicable and 41858greasy hardware several aisles away that may stop working at any 41859moment. They have a great distrust of hardware people, and wish that 41860systems could be virtual at *___all* levels. They would like personal 41861computers (you know no one's going to trip over something and kill your 41862DFA in mid-transit), except that they need 8 megabytes to run their 41863Correctness Verification Aid packages. 41864% 41865Real software engineers work from 9 to 5, because that is the way the 41866job is described in the formal spec. Working late would feel like 41867using an undocumented external procedure. 41868% 41869Real Time, adj.: 41870 Here and now, as opposed to fake time, which only occurs there 41871and then. 41872% 41873Real Users are afraid they'll break the machine -- but they're never 41874afraid to break your face. 41875% 41876Real Users find the one combination of bizarre input values that shuts 41877down the system for days. 41878% 41879Real Users hate Real Programmers. 41880% 41881Real Users know your home telephone number. 41882% 41883Real Users never know what they want, but they always know when your 41884program doesn't deliver it. 41885% 41886Real Users never use the Help key. 41887% 41888Real wealth can only increase. 41889 -- R. Buckminster Fuller 41890% 41891Real World, The n.: 41892 1. In programming, those institutions at which programming may 41893be used in the same sentence as FORTRAN, COBOL, RPG, IBM, etc. 2. To 41894programmers, the location of non-programmers and activities not related 41895to programming. 3. A universe in which the standard dress is shirt and 41896tie and in which a person's working hours are defined as 9 to 5. 418974. The location of the status quo. 5. Anywhere outside a university. 41898"Poor fellow, he's left MIT and gone into the real world." Used 41899pejoratively by those not in residence there. In conversation, talking 41900of someone who has entered the real world is not unlike talking about a 41901deceased person. 41902% 41903Reality -- what a concept! 41904 -- Robin Williams 41905% 41906Reality always seems harsher in the early morning. 41907% 41908Reality does not exist - yet. 41909% 41910Reality is a cop-out for people who can't handle drugs. 41911% 41912Reality is an obstacle to hallucination. 41913% 41914Reality is bad enough, why should I tell the truth? 41915 -- Patrick Sky 41916% 41917Reality is for people who can't deal with drugs. 41918 -- Lily Tomlin 41919% 41920Reality is for people who lack imagination. 41921% 41922Reality is for those who can't face Science Fiction. 41923% 41924Reality is just a convenient measure of complexity. 41925 -- Alvy Ray Smith 41926% 41927Reality is just a crutch for people who can't handle science fiction. 41928% 41929Reality is nothing but a collective hunch. 41930 -- Lily Tomlin 41931% 41932"Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away". 41933 -- Philip K. Dick 41934% 41935Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature 41936cannot be fooled. 41937 -- R. P. Feynman 41938% 41939Really?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!! 41940% 41941Reappraisal, n: 41942 An abrupt change of mind after being found out. 41943% 41944Rebellion lay in his way, and he found it. 41945 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 41946% 41947Receiving a million dollars tax free will make you feel better than 41948being flat broke and having a stomach ache. 41949 -- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot" 41950% 41951Recent investments will yield a slight profit. 41952% 41953Recent research has tended to show that the Abominable No-Man 41954is being replaced by the Prohibitive Procrastinator. 41955 -- C. N. Parkinson 41956% 41957Recently deceased blues guitarist Stevie Ray Vaughan "comes to" after 41958his death. He sees Jimi Hendrix sitting next to him, tuning his guitar. 41959"Holy cow," he thinks to himself, "this guy is my idol." Over at the 41960microphone, about to sing, are Jim Morrison and Janis Joplin, and the 41961bassist is the late Barry Oakley of the Allman Brothers. So Stevie 41962Ray's thinking, "Oh, wow! I've died and gone to rock and roll heaven." 41963Just then, Karen Carpenter walks in, sits down at the drums, and says: 41964"'Close to You'. Hit it, boys!" 41965 -- Told by Penn Jillette, of magic/comedy duo Penn and Teller 41966% 41967Reception area, n: 41968 The purgatory where office visitors are condemned to spend 41969 innumerable hours reading dog-eared back issues of trade 41970 magazines like Modern Plastics, Chain Saw Age, and Chicken World, 41971 while the receptionist blithely reads her own trade magazine -- 41972 Cosmopolitan. 41973% 41974Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you 41975lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, 41976but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and 41977Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 41978recessions. 41979% 41980Recipe for a Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster: 41981 (1) Take the juice from one bottle of Ol' Janx Spirit 41982 (2) Pour into it one measure of water from the seas of 41983 Santraginus V (Oh, those Santraginean fish!) 41984 (3) Allow 3 cubes of Arcturan Mega-gin to melt into the 41985 mixture (properly iced or the benzine is lost.) 41986 (4) Allow four liters of Fallian marsh gas to bubble through it. 41987 (5) Over the back of a silver spoon, float a measure of 41988 Qualactin Hypermint extract. 41989 (6) Drop in the tooth of an Algolian Suntiger. Watch it dissolve. 41990 (7) Sprinkle Zamphuor. 41991 (8) Add an olive. 41992 (9) Drink... but... very carefully... 41993 -- Douglas Adams 41994% 41995Reclaimer, spare that tree! 41996Take not a single bit! 41997It used to point to me, 41998Now I'm protecting it. 41999It was the reader's CONS 42000That made it, paired by dot; 42001Now, GC, for the nonce, 42002Thou shalt reclaim it not. 42003% 42004Recursion is the root of computation 42005since it trades description for time. 42006% 42007Recursion: n. See Recursion. 42008 -- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary 42009% 42010Regardless of whether a mission expands or contracts, 42011administrative overhead continues to grow at a steady rate. 42012% 42013Regnant populi. 42014% 42015Regression analysis: 42016 Mathematical techniques for trying to understand why things are 42017 getting worse. 42018% 42019Reichel's Law: 42020 A body on vacation tends to remain on vacation unless acted upon by 42021 an outside force. 42022% 42023Reinhart was never his mother's favorite -- and he was an only child. 42024 -- Thomas Berger 42025% 42026"Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the universe 42027again ..." An unusually long pause followed, "... but I don't know 42028which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A 42029spherical display in the middle of the floor illuminated to show the 42030starfield surrounding the ship. 42031 42032"Several large, artificial constructions are approaching us," ZORAC 42033announced after a short pause. "The designs are not familiar, but they 42034are obviously the products of intelligence. Implications: we have been 42035intercepted deliberately by a means unknown, for a purpose unknown, and 42036transferred to a place unknown by a form of intelligence unknown. 42037Apart from the unknowns, everything is obvious." 42038 -- James P. Hogan, "Giants Star" 42039% 42040Reisner's Rule of Conceptual Inertia: 42041 If you think big enough, you'll never have to do it. 42042% 42043Relations are simply a tedious pack of people, who haven't the remotest 42044knowledge of how to live, nor the smallest instinct about when to die. 42045 -- Oscar Wilde, "The Importance of Being Earnest" 42046% 42047...relaxed in the manner of a man who 42048has no need to put up a front of any kind. 42049 -- John Ball, "Mark One: the Dummy" 42050% 42051Reliable source, n: 42052 The guy you just met. 42053% 42054Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin. 42055 -- Anatole France 42056% 42057Religion is a crutch, but that's okay... humanity is a cripple. 42058% 42059Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich. 42060 -- Napoleon 42061% 42062Religions revolve madly around sexual questions. 42063% 42064Rembrandt is not to be compared in the painting of character with our 42065extraordinarily gifted English artist, Mr. Rippingille. 42066 -- John Hunt, British editor, scholar and art critic 42067 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" 42068% 42069Rembrandt's first name was Beauregard, which is why he never used it. 42070 -- Dave Barry 42071% 42072Remember -- only 10% of anything can be in the top 10%. 42073% 42074Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. 42075 -- Dave Butler 42076% 42077Remember Darwin; building a better 42078mousetrap merely results in smarter mice. 42079% 42080Remember, DESSERT is spelled with two `s's while DESERT is spelled 42081with one, because EVERYONE wants two desserts, but NO ONE wants two 42082deserts. 42083 -- Miss Oglethorp, Gr. 5, PS. 59 42084% 42085Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good 42086offense! 42087% 42088Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat. 42089% 42090Remember folks. Street lights timed for 35 mph are also timed for 70 mph. 42091 -- Jim Samuels 42092% 42093Remember, God could only create the world in 6 days because he didn't 42094have an established user base. 42095% 42096Remember, Grasshopper, falling down 1000 stairs begins by tripping over 42097the first one. 42098 -- Confusion 42099% 42100"Remember, if it's being done correctly, here or abroad, it's 42101*not* the U.S. Army doing it!" 42102 -- "Good Morning, Vietnam" 42103% 42104Remember kids, if there's a loaded gun in the room, be sure 42105that you're the one holding it. 42106 -- Mr. Greenfatigues 42107% 42108Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when 42109you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. 42110 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 42111% 42112Remember that there is an outside world to see and enjoy. 42113 -- Hans Liepmann 42114% 42115Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be 42116worse in Cleveland. 42117 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 42118% 42119Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, 42120it could only be worse in Cleveland. 42121% 42122Remember the good old days, when CPU was singular? 42123% 42124Remember the... the... uhh..... 42125% 42126Remember thee 42127Ay, thou poor ghost while memory holds a seat 42128In this distracted globe. Remember thee! 42129Yea, from the table of my memory 42130I'll wipe away all trivial fond records, 42131All saws of books, all forms, all pressures past, 42132That youth and observation copied there. 42133 -- William Shakespeare, "Hamlet" 42134% 42135Remember to say hello to your bank teller. 42136% 42137Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU. 42138 -- Mt. 42139% 42140Remember: use logout to logout. 42141% 42142Remembering is for those who have forgotten. 42143 -- Chinese proverb 42144% 42145Remove me from this land of slaves, 42146Where all are fools, and all are knaves, 42147Where every knave and fool is bought, 42148Yet kindly sells himself for nought; 42149 -- Jonathan Swift 42150% 42151Removing the straw that broke the camel's back 42152does not necessarily allow the camel to walk again. 42153% 42154Renning's Maxim: 42155 Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying. 42156% 42157Repartee is something we think of twenty-four hours too late. 42158 -- Mark Twain 42159% 42160Repel them. Repel them. Induce them to relinquish the spheroid. 42161 -- Indiana University football cheer 42162% 42163Reply hazy, ask again later. 42164% 42165Reporter: 42166 A writer who guesses his way to the truth 42167 and dispels it with a tempest of words. 42168 -- Ambrose Bierce 42169% 42170Reporter: "How did you like school when you were growing up, Yogi?" 42171Yogi Berra: "Closed." 42172% 42173Reporter: "What would you do if you found a million dollars?" 42174Yogi Berra: "If the guy was poor, I would give it back." 42175% 42176Reporter, n.: 42177 A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a 42178tempest of words. 42179 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 42180% 42181REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system? 42182 42183SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that 42184the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can 42185carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away." 42186I have no idea why the country folk say this. Maybe there's some kind 42187of chemical pollutant in their drinking water. That is why I pledge to 42188do all that I can to protect the environment of this great nation of 42189ours, and put prayer back in the schools, where it belongs. What we 42190need is jobs, not empty promises. I realize I'm risking my political 42191career by being so outspoken on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but 42192that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I 42193can't help it. 42194 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" 42195% 42196Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western 42197 Civilization? 42198Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea. 42199% 42200Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows. 42201Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes. 42202 42203Democrats eat the fish they catch. 42204Republicans hang them on the wall. 42205 42206Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry 42207Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first. 42208 42209Democrats make up plans and then do something else. 42210Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made. 42211 42212Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms. 42213That is why there are more Democrats. 42214 -- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules" 42215% 42216Reputation, adj: 42217 What others are not thinking about you. 42218% 42219Research is the best place to be: you work your buns off, and if it works 42220you're a hero; if it doesn't, well -- nobody else has done it yet either, 42221so you're still a valiant nerd. 42222% 42223Research is to see what everybody else has seen, 42224and think what nobody else has thought. 42225% 42226Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing. 42227 -- Wernher von Braun 42228% 42229Research, n: 42230 Consider Columbus: 42231 He didn't know where he was going. 42232 When he got there he didn't know where he was. 42233 When he got back he didn't know where he had been. 42234 And he did it all on someone else's money. 42235% 42236Resisting temptation is easier when you think you'll probably get 42237another chance later on. 42238% 42239Responsibility: 42240 Everyone says that having power is a great responsibility. This is 42241a lot of bunk. Responsibility is when someone can blame you if something 42242goes wrong. When you have power you are surrounded by people whose job it 42243is to take the blame for your mistakes. If they're smart, that is. 42244 -- Cerebus, "On Governing" 42245% 42246Retirement means that when someone says "Have a nice day", you 42247actually have a shot at it. 42248% 42249Reunite Gondwanaland! 42250% 42251Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean? 42252Bobby: Slow down. 42253Rev. Jim: What... does... an... amber... light... mean? 42254Bobby: Slow down. 42255Rev. Jim: What.... does.... an.... amber.... light.... 42256% 42257Revenge is a form of nostalgia. 42258% 42259Revenge is a meal best served cold. 42260% 42261Review Questions 42262 42263(1) If Nerd on the planet Nutley starts out in his spaceship at 20 KPH, 42264 and his speed doubles every 3.2 seconds, how long will it be before 42265 he exceeds the speed of light? How long will it be before the 42266 Galactic Patrol picks up the pieces of his spaceship? 42267 42268(2) If Roger Rowdy wrecks his car every week, and each week he breaks 42269 twice as many bones as before, how long will it be before he breaks 42270 every bone in his body? How long will it be before they cut off 42271 his insurance? Where does he get a new car every week? 42272 42273(3) If Johnson drinks one beer the first hour (slow start), four beers 42274 the next hour, nine beers the next, etc., and stacks the cans in a 42275 pyramid, how soon will Johnson's pyramid be larger than King 42276 Tut's? When will it fall on him? Will he notice? 42277% 42278Revolution, n: 42279 A form of government abroad. 42280% 42281Revolution, n.: 42282 In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment. 42283 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 42284% 42285revolutionary, adj: 42286 Repackaged. 42287% 42288Rhode's Law: 42289 When any principle, law, tenet, probability, happening, 42290circumstance, or result can in no way be directly, indirectly, 42291empirically, or circuitously proven, derived, implied, inferred, 42292induced, deducted, estimated, or scientifically guessed, it will always 42293for the purpose of convenience, expediency, political advantage, 42294material gain, or personal comfort, or any combination of the above, or 42295none of the above, be unilaterally and unequivocally assumed, 42296proclaimed, and adhered to as absolute truth to be undeniably, 42297universally, immutably, and infinitely so, until such time as it 42298becomes advantageous to assume otherwise, maybe. 42299% 42300Rich bachelors should be heavily taxed. It is not fair that some men 42301should be happier than others. 42302 -- Oscar Wilde 42303% 42304Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life. 42305He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress, 42306lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and the 42307world. 42308 -- Barry Goldwater 42309% 42310Riches cover a multitude of woes. 42311 -- Menander 42312% 42313Rick: "How can you close me up? On what grounds?" 42314Renault: "I'm shocked! Shocked! To find that gambling is 42315 going on here." 42316Croupier (handing money to Renault): 42317 "Your winnings, sir." 42318Renault: "Oh. Thank you very much." 42319 -- "Casablanca" 42320% 42321Riffle West Virginia is so small that the 42322Boy Scout had to double as the town drunk. 42323% 42324"Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time." 42325 -- Steven Wright 42326% 42327Righteous people terrify me ... virtue is its own punishment. 42328 -- Aneurin Bevan 42329% 42330"Rights" is a fictional abstraction. No one has "Rights", neither 42331machines nor flesh-and-blood. Persons... have opportunities, not 42332rights, which they use or do not use. 42333 -- Lazarus Long 42334% 42335Ring around the collar. 42336% 42337Ritchie's Rule: 42338 (1) Everything has some value -- if you use the right currency. 42339 (2) Paint splashes last longer than the paint job. 42340 (3) Search and ye shall find -- but make sure it was lost. 42341% 42342Robot, n: 42343 Someone who's been made by a scientist. 42344% 42345Robot, n: 42346 University administrator. 42347% 42348Robustness, adj: 42349 Never having to say you're sorry. 42350% 42351Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention 42352 Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will 42353 reject the proposal. 42354% 42355Romance, like alcohol, should be enjoyed, but should not be allowed to 42356become necessary. 42357 -- Edgar Friedenberg 42358% 42359Rome was not built in one day. 42360 -- John Heywood 42361% 42362Rome wasn't burnt in a day. 42363% 42364ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much. 42365MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church- 42366 door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve. 42367% 42368Romeo was restless, he was ready to kill, 42369He jumped out the window 'cause he couldn't sit still, 42370Juliet was waiting with a safety net, 42371Said "don't bury me 'cause I ain't dead yet". 42372 -- Elvis Costello 42373% 42374Romeo wasn't bilked in a day. 42375 -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With 42376 Pogo" 42377% 42378Roses are red; 42379 Violets are blue. 42380I'm schizophrenic, 42381 And so am I. 42382% 42383Rotten wood cannot be carved. 42384 -- Confucius, "Analects", Book 5, Ch. 9 42385% 42386Round Numbers are always false. 42387 -- Samuel Johnson 42388% 42389Row, row, row your bits, gently down the stream... 42390% 42391Rubber bands have snappy endings! 42392% 42393Rube Walker: "Hey, Yogi, what time is it?" 42394Yogi Berra: "You mean now?" 42395% 42396Rudd's Discovery: 42397 You know that any senator or congressman could go home and make 42398 $300,000 to $400,000, but they don't. Why? Because they can 42399 stay in Washington and make it there. 42400% 42401Rudeness is a weak man's imitation of strength. 42402% 42403Rudin's Law: 42404 If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it 42405every time. 42406% 42407Rudin's Second Law: 42408 In a crisis that forces a choice to be made among alternative 42409courses of action, people tend to choose the worst possible course. 42410% 42411rugby, n: 42412 Elegant violence. 42413 42414 (Rugby players eat their dead.) 42415 (Blood makes the grass grow!) 42416 (Support your local hooker! Play rugby!) 42417 42418 [A "hooker" is part of the scrum. Thought you'd want to know. Ed.] 42419% 42420RUGGED: 42421 Too heavy to lift. 42422% 42423Rule #1: 42424 The Boss is always right. 42425 42426Rule #2: 42427 If the Boss is wrong, see Rule #1. 42428% 42429Rule 46, Oxford Union Society, London: 42430 Any member introducing a dog into the Society's premises shall 42431be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person 42432shall be deemed to be a cat. 42433% 42434Rule #7: Silence is not acquiescence. 42435 Contrary to what you may have heard, silence of those present is 42436not necessarily consent, even the reluctant variety. They simply may 42437sit in stunned silence and figure ways of sabotaging the plan after they 42438regain their composure. 42439% 42440Rule of Creative Research: 42441 (1) Never draw what you can copy. 42442 (2) Never copy what you can trace. 42443 (3) Never trace what you can cut out and paste down. 42444% 42445Rule of Defactualization: 42446 Information deteriorates upward through bureaucracies. 42447% 42448Rule of Feline Frustration: 42449 When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly 42450content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom. 42451% 42452Rule of Life #1 -- Never get separated from your luggage. 42453% 42454Rule of the Great: 42455 When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep 42456thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch. 42457% 42458Rule the Empire through force. 42459 -- Shogun Tokugawa 42460% 42461Rules: 42462 (1) The boss is always right. 42463 (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1. 42464% 42465Rules for Academic Deans: 42466 (1) HIDE!!!! 42467 (2) If they find you, LIE!!!! 42468 -- Father Damian C. Fandal 42469% 42470Rules for driving in New York: 42471 (1) Anything done while honking your horn is legal. 42472 (2) You may park anywhere if you turn your four-way flashers 42473 on. 42474 (3) A red light means the next six cars may go through the 42475 intersection. 42476% 42477Rules for Good Grammar #4. 42478 1: Don't use no double negatives. 42479 2: Make each pronoun agree with their antecedents. 42480 3: Join clauses good, like a conjunction should. 42481 4: About them sentence fragments. 42482 5: When dangling, watch your participles. 42483 6: Verbs has got to agree with their subjects. 42484 7: Just between you and i, case is important. 42485 8: Don't write run-on sentences when they are hard to read. 42486 9: Don't use commas, which aren't necessary. 4248710: Try to not ever split infinitives. 4248811: It is important to use your apostrophe's correctly. 4248912: Proofread your writing to see if you any words out. 4249013: Correct speling is essential. 4249114: A preposition is something you never end a sentence with. 4249215: While a transcendent vocabulary is laudable, one must be eternally 42493 careful so that the calculated objective of communication does not 42494 become ensconced in obscurity. In other words, eschew obfuscation. 42495% 42496Rules for Writers: 42497 Avoid run-on sentences they are hard to read. Don't use no double 42498negatives. Use the semicolon properly, always use it where it is appropriate; 42499and never where it isn't. Reserve the apostrophe for it's proper use and 42500omit it when its not needed. No sentence fragments. Avoid commas, that are 42501unnecessary. Eschew dialect, irregardless. And don't start a sentence with 42502a conjunction. Hyphenate between sy-llables and avoid un-necessary hyphens. 42503Write all adverbial forms correct. Don't use contractions in formal writing. 42504Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided. It is incumbent on 42505us to avoid archaisms. Steer clear of incorrect forms of verbs that have 42506snuck in the language. Never, ever use repetitive redundancies. If I've 42507told you once, I've told you a thousand times, resist hyperbole. Also, 42508avoid awkward or affected alliteration. Don't string too many prepositional 42509phrases together unless you are walking through the valley of the shadow of 42510death. "Avoid overuse of 'quotation "marks."'" 42511% 42512RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED 42513 (1) Never eat on an empty stomach. 42514 (2) Never leave the table hungry. 42515 (3) When traveling, never leave a country hungry. 42516 (4) Enjoy your food. 42517 (5) Enjoy your companion's food. 42518 (6) Really taste your food. It may take several portions to 42519 accomplish this, especially if subtly seasoned. 42520 (7) Really feel your food. Texture is important. Compare, 42521 for example, the texture of a turnip to that of a 42522 brownie. Which feels better against your cheeks? 42523 (8) Never eat between snacks, unless it's a meal. 42524 (9) Don't feel you must finish everything on your plate. You 42525 can always eat it later. 42526 (10) Avoid any wine with a childproof cap. 42527 (11) Avoid blue food. 42528 -- Richard Smith, "The Bronx Diet" 42529% 42530Ruling a big country is like cooking a small fish. 42531 -- Lao Tsu 42532% 42533Rune's Rule: 42534 If you don't care where you are, you ain't lost. 42535% 42536Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant. 42537 -- John Cameron Swayze 42538% 42539Ruth made a great mistake when he gave up pitching. Working once a week, 42540he might have lasted a long time and become a great star. 42541 -- Tris Speaker, commenting on Babe Ruth's plan to change 42542 from being a pitcher to an outfielder. 42543 Cerf/Navasky, "The Experts Speak" 42544% 42545Ryan's Law: 42546 Make three correct guesses consecutively 42547 and you will establish yourself as an expert. 42548% 42549Sacher's Observation: 42550 Some people grow with responsibility -- others merely swell. 42551% 42552Sacred cows make great hamburgers. 42553% 42554SADISM: 42555 A sadist refusing to whip a masochist. 42556% 42557sadoequinecrophilia, n: 42558 Beating a dead horse. 42559% 42560Safety Third. 42561% 42562SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE: 42563 42564 In a recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the 42565Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government has offered 42566to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia into an international 42567space research facility in response to U.S. complaints that the radar would 42568violate the ABM treaty. Sagdeev suggested that the U.S. reciprocate by 42569turning the unfinished U.S. embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction 42570center. The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place. 42571% 42572SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21) 42573 You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless 42574 tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority 42575 of Sagittarians are drunks or dope fiends or both. People 42576 laugh at you a great deal. 42577% 42578SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22 to Dec. 21) 42579 Move slowly today, be deliberate. Indications are for bleeding 42580 ulcers. Drink milk. Try not to be your usual offensive and 42581 obnoxious self. Call your mother. 42582% 42583SAGITTARIUS (Nov.22 - Dec.21) 42584 Your efforts to help a little old lady cross a street will 42585 backfire when you learn that she was waiting for a bus. Subdue 42586 impulse you have to push her out into traffic. 42587% 42588Said the attractive, cigar-smoking housewife to her girl-friend: "I 42589got started one night when George came home and found one burning in 42590the ashtray." 42591% 42592Sailing is fun, but scrubbing the decks is aardvark. 42593 -- Heard on Noah's ark 42594% 42595Sailors in ships, sail on! 42596Even while we died, others rode out the storm. 42597% 42598Saints should always be judged guilty until they are proved innocent. 42599 -- George Orwell, "Reflections on Gandhi" 42600% 42601Saliva causes cancer, but only if swallowed 42602in small amounts over a long period of time. 42603 -- George Carlin 42604% 42605Sally: C'mon, Ted, all I'm asking you to do is share your feelings 42606 with me. 42607Ted: ALL? Do you realize what you're asking? Men aren't trained 42608 to share. We're trained to protect ourselves by not 42609 letting anyone too close. Good grief, if I go around 42610 sharing everything with you, you could hang me out to dry. 42611Sally: It's called "trust," Ted. 42612Ted: "Sharing"? "Trust"? You're really asking me to sail into 42613 uncharted waters here. 42614 -- Sally Forth 42615% 42616Sam: What do you know there, Norm? 42617Norm: How to sit. How to drink. Want to quiz me? 42618 -- Cheers, Loverboyd 42619 42620Sam: Hey, how's life treating you there, Norm? 42621Norm: Beats me. ... Then it kicks me and leaves me for dead. 42622 -- Cheers, Loverboyd 42623 42624Woody: How would a beer feel, Mr. Peterson? 42625Norm: Pretty nervous if I was in the room. 42626 -- Cheers, Loverboyd 42627% 42628Sam: What's the good word, Norm? 42629Norm: Plop, plop, fizz, fizz. 42630Sam: Oh no, not the Hungry Heifer... 42631Norm: Yeah, yeah, yeah... 42632Sam: One heartburn cocktail coming up. 42633 -- Cheers, I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday 42634 42635Sam: Whaddya say, Norm? 42636Norm: Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink. And down it goes. 42637 -- Cheers, Love Thy Neighbor 42638 42639Woody: What's your pleasure, Mr. Peterson? 42640Norm: Boxer shorts and loose shoes. But I'll settle for a beer. 42641 -- Cheers, The Bar Stoolie 42642% 42643Sam: What do you say, Norm? 42644Norm: Any cheap, tawdry thing that'll get me a beer. 42645 -- Cheers, Birth, Death, Love and Rice 42646 42647Sam: What do you say to a beer, Normie? 42648Norm: Hiya, sailor. New in town? 42649 -- Cheers, Woody Goes Belly Up 42650 42651Norm: [coming in from the rain] Evening, everybody. 42652All: Norm! (Norman.) 42653Sam: Still pouring, Norm? 42654Norm: That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing. 42655 -- Cheers, Diane's Nightmare 42656% 42657Sam: What's going on, Normie? 42658Norm: My birthday, Sammy. Give me a beer, stick a candle in 42659 it, and I'll blow out my liver. 42660 -- Cheers, Where Have All the Floorboards Gone 42661 42662Woody: Hey, Mr. P. How goes the search for Mr. Clavin? 42663Norm: Not as well as the search for Mr. Donut. 42664 Found him every couple of blocks. 42665 -- Cheers, Head Over Hill 42666% 42667Sam: What's new, Norm? 42668Norm: Most of my wife. 42669 -- Cheers, The Spy Who Came in for a Cold One 42670 42671Coach: Beer, Norm? 42672Norm: Naah, I'd probably just drink it. 42673 -- Cheers, Now Pitching, Sam Malone 42674 42675Coach: What's doing, Norm? 42676Norm: Well, science is seeking a cure for thirst. I happen 42677 to be the guinea pig. 42678 -- Cheers, Let Me Count the Ways 42679% 42680SAN DIEGO: 42681 Four million people, where you can't get a 42682 good cheeseburger, no matter how hard you try. 42683% 42684San Francisco has always been my favorite booing city. I don't mean the 42685people boo louder or longer, but there is a very special intimacy. When 42686they boo you, you know they mean *you*. Music, that's what it is to me. 42687One time in Kezar Stadium they gave me a standing boo. 42688 -- George Halas, professional football coach 42689% 42690San Francisco isn't what it used to be, and it never was. 42691 -- Herb Caen 42692% 42693San Francisco, n.: 42694 Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse. 42695% 42696Sanity and insanity overlap a fine grey line. 42697% 42698Sanity is the trademark of a weak mind. 42699 -- Mark Harrold 42700% 42701Sank heaven for leetle curls. 42702% 42703Santa Claus is watching! 42704% 42705Santa Claus wears a Red Suit, 42706 He must be a communist. 42707And a beard and long hair, 42708 Must be a pacifist. 42709 42710 What's in that pipe that he's smoking? 42711 -- Arlo Guthrie 42712% 42713Santa Claus wears a red suit 42714He's a Communist. 42715 42716He has long hair and a beard 42717Must be a pacifist. 42718 42719And what's in the pipe that he's smoking? 42720 42721Santa Claus comes in your house at night. 42722He must be a dope fiend to get you up tight. 42723 42724Why do police guys beat on peace guys? 42725 -- Arlo Guthrie, "The Pause of Mr. Claus" 42726% 42727 42728SANTA IS BRINGING GOOD WISHES FROM ALL THE 42729MICRO ARTISTS GANG! MAY 1988 BE A HAPPY YEAR! 42730 42731 42732 \__\_ :. ___/ 42733 ..\ /-- 42734 :.______ : .:* : . _ .: :.. . : . . : ()_ .: 42735 (( \. :./(__ :._O_)________:______,____:____/ *\_o 42736====(( \: (****) (***) :. ...: .. . ()_______/\\ __-' 42737 \____(( \ ()oo()_/ /.: : ..________/_____ll -/.: .. 42738 ( (( \(())))__/ . .. \\.: ..( ) ll ( l_.: 42739( / (( \__*__)___:___ : : )) .) /--------\ \ \ 42740( / ((_____________) .. // . / / /..:: . )_)_\ 42741 (____/_____________________\__// : /_/_/ :.. :/_/ \_\ 42742 /_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/_/ /_/_/ 42743 42744 42745% 42746Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. 42747% 42748Satellite Safety Tip #14: 42749 If you see a bright streak in the sky coming at you, duck. 42750% 42751Satire does not look pretty upon a tombstone. 42752% 42753Satire is tragedy plus time. 42754 -- Lenny Bruce 42755% 42756Satire is what closes in New Haven. 42757% 42758Satire is what closes Saturday night. 42759 -- George Kaufman 42760% 42761Sattinger's Law: 42762 It works better if you plug it in. 42763% 42764Saturday night in Toledo Ohio, 42765 Is like being nowhere at all, 42766All through the day how the hours rush by, 42767 You sit in the park and you watch the grass die. 42768 -- John Denver, "Saturday Night in Toledo Ohio" 42769% 42770Satyrs have more faun. 42771% 42772Sauron is alive in Argentina! 42773% 42774Savage's Law of Expediency: 42775 You want it bad, you'll get it bad. 42776% 42777Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be 42778surprised at how little you have. 42779 -- Ernest Haskins 42780% 42781Save a tree -- kill an ISO working group today. 42782 -- Jason Zions 42783% 42784Save energy: Drive a smaller shell. 42785% 42786Save energy: be apathetic. 42787% 42788Save gas, don't eat beans. 42789% 42790Save gas, don't use the shell. 42791% 42792Save the bales! 42793% 42794Save the whales. Collect the whole set. 42795% 42796Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda. 42797% 42798Save yourself! Reboot in 5 seconds! 42799% 42800Saw a sign on a restaurant that said Breakfast, any time -- so I 42801ordered French Toast in the Renaissance. 42802 -- Steven Wright 42803% 42804Say! You've struck a heap of trouble-- 42805Bust in business, lost your wife; 42806No one cares a cent about you, 42807You don't care a cent for life; 42808Hard luck has of hope bereft you, 42809Health is failing, wish you'd die-- 42810Why, you've still the sunshine left you 42811And the big blue sky. 42812 -- R. W. Service 42813% 42814Say it with flowers, 42815Or say it with mink, 42816But whatever you do, 42817Don't say it with ink! 42818 -- Jimmie Durante 42819% 42820Say many of cameras focused t'us, 42821Our middle-aged shots do us justice. 42822No justice, please, curse ye! 42823We really want mercy: 42824You see, 'tis the justice, disgusts us. 42825 -- Thomas H. Hildebrandt 42826% 42827Say my love is easy had, 42828Say I'm bitten raw with pride, 42829Say I am too often sad -- 42830Still behold me at your side. 42831 42832Say I'm neither brave nor young, 42833Say I woo and coddle care, 42834Say the devil touched my tongue, 42835Still you have my heart to wear. 42836 42837But say my verses do not scan, 42838And I get me another man! 42839 -- Dorothy Parker, "Fighting Words" 42840% 42841Say no, then negotiate. 42842 -- Helga 42843% 42844Say something you'll be sorry for, I love receiving apologies. 42845% 42846Say "twenty-three-skiddoo" to logout. 42847% 42848SCCS, the source motel! Programs check in and never check out! 42849 -- Ken Thompson 42850% 42851SCENARIO: 42852 An imagined sequence of events that provides the context in 42853 which a business decision is made. Scenarios always come in 42854 sets of three: best case, worst case, and just in case. 42855% 42856Scenary is here, wish you were beautiful. 42857% 42858Scene: 42859 A small boy stands agasp on the stairway overlooking the living 42860room. A rather largish man in a big red suit with white fur and red and 42861white belled cap hunches over the fireplace, obviously interrupted in 42862filling stockings with packages taken from a huge bag slung over his 42863shoulder. His eyebrows are raised, matter-of-factly, as he spies the boy 42864intently watching him. 42865 42866Caption: 42867 "I'm sorry you've seen me, Billy. Now I'll have to kill you." 42868% 42869Schapiro's Explanation: 42870 The grass is always greener on the other side -- but that's 42871because they use more manure. 42872% 42873Schizophrenia beats being alone. 42874% 42875Schlattwhapper, n.: 42876 The window shade that allows itself to be pulled down, 42877hesitates for a second, then snaps up in your face. 42878 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 42879% 42880Schmidt's Observation: 42881 All things being equal, a fat person uses more soap 42882 than a thin person. 42883% 42884Schnuffel, n.: 42885 A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in 42886mixed company. 42887 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 42888% 42889Schwiggle, n.: 42890 The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a 42891pencil. 42892 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 42893% 42894Science and religion are in full accord but 42895science and faith are in complete discord. 42896% 42897Science Fiction, Double Feature. 42898Frank has built and lost his creature. 42899Darkness has conquered Brad and Janet. 42900The servants gone to a distant planet. 42901Wo, oh, oh, oh. 42902At the late night, double feature, Picture show. 42903I want to go, oh, oh, oh. 42904To the late night, double feature, Picture show. 42905 -- Rocky Horror Picture Show 42906% 42907Science is built up of facts, as a house is with stones. But a 42908collection of facts is no more a science than a heap of stones 42909is a house. 42910 -- Jules Henri Poincare 42911% 42912Science is facts; just as houses are made of stones, so is science made 42913of facts; but a pile of stones is not a house and a collection of facts 42914is not necessarily science. 42915 -- Jules Henri Poincar'e 42916% 42917Science is to computer science as hydrodynamics is to plumbing. 42918% 42919Science is what happens when preconception meets verification. 42920% 42921Science may someday discover what faith has always known. 42922% 42923Science! true daughter of Old Time thou art! 42924Who alterest all things with thy peering eyes. 42925Why preyest thou thus upon the poet's heart, 42926Vulture, whose wings are dull realities? 42927How should he love thee? or how deem thee wise? 42928Who wouldst not leave him in his wandering 42929To seek for treasure in the jewelled skies, 42930Albeit he soared with an undaunted wing? 42931Hast thou not dragged Diana from her car? 42932And driven the Hamadryad from the wood 42933To seek a shelter in some happier star? 42934Hast thou not torn the Naiad from her flood, 42935The Elfin from the green grass, and from me 42936The summer dream beneath the tamarind tree? 42937 -- Edgar Allan Poe, "Science, a Sonnet" 42938% 42939Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it. 42940 -- William F. Buckley 42941 42942% 42943Scientists still know less about what attracts men 42944than they do about what attracts mosquitoes. 42945 -- Dr. Joyce Brothers, 42946 "What Every Woman Should Know About Men" 42947% 42948Scientists were preparing an experiment to ask the ultimate question. 42949They had worked for months gathering one each of every computer that 42950was built. Finally the big day was at hand. All the computers were 42951linked together. They asked the question, "Is there a God?". Lights 42952started blinking, flashing and blinking some more. Suddenly, there 42953was a loud crash, and a bolt of lightning came down from the sky, 42954struck the computers, and welded all the connections permanently 42955together. "There is now", came the reply. 42956% 42957Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific, 42958Fain how I pause at your nature specific, 42959Loftily poised in the ether capacious, 42960Highly resembling a gem carbonaceous. 42961Scintillate, scintillate, globule vivific, 42962Fain how I pause at your nature specific. 42963% 42964Scintillation is not always identification for an auric substance. 42965% 42966SCORPIO (Oct 23 - Nov 21) 42967 You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You will 42968 achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of 42969 ethics. Most Scorpio people are murdered. 42970% 42971SCORPIO (Oct. 23 to Nov. 21) 42972 Friends abound today, seeking repayment of past loans. Smile. Check 42973 for concealed weapons. Your natural cheerfulness makes others want 42974 to throw up. Knock it off. 42975% 42976SCORPIO (Oct.24 - Nov.21) 42977 You will receive word today that you are eligible to win a million 42978 dollars in prizes. It will be from a magazine trying to get you to 42979 subscribe, and you're just dumb enough to think you've got a chance 42980 to win. You never learn. 42981% 42982Scott's first Law: 42983 No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. 42984 42985Scott's second Law: 42986 When an error has been detected and corrected, it will be found 42987to have been wrong in the first place. 42988 42989Corollary: 42990 After the correction has been found in error, it will be 42991impossible to fit the original quantity back into the equation. 42992% 42993Scotty: Captain, we din' can reference it! 42994Kirk: Analysis, Mr. Spock? 42995Spock: Captain, it doesn't appear in the symbol table. 42996Kirk: Then it's of external origin? 42997Spock: Affirmative. 42998Kirk: Mr. Sulu, go to pass two. 42999Sulu: Aye aye, sir, going to pass two. 43000% 43001Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug 43002Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug 43003And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. 43004Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all, 43005Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall 43006And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash. 43007And we've also found Just flip one switch 43008When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch 43009You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble 43010Oh, it's so much fun, in a flash. 43011Now the CPU won't run When the CPU 43012And the system is going to crash. Can print nothing out but "foo," 43013 The system is going to crash. 43014 -- To The Caissons Go Rolling Along 43015% 43016Scratch the disks! 43017Drop the core! 43018Roll the tapes across the floor! 43019% 43020Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else. 43021% 43022SCRIBLINE: 43023 The blank area on the back of credit cards where one's signature goes. 43024 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 43025% 43026Scrubbing floors and emptying bedpans has as much dignity as the 43027Presidency. 43028 -- Richard Nixon 43029% 43030'Scuse me, while I kiss the sky! 43031 -- Robert James Marshall (Jimi) Hendrix 43032% 43033Sears has everything. 43034% 43035Seattle is so wet that people protect their property with watch-ducks. 43036% 43037Second Law of Business Meetings: 43038 If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you 43039will pick the wrong one. 43040 43041Corollary: 43042 If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it 43043wrong, anyway. 43044% 43045Second Law of Final Exams: 43046 In your toughest final -- for the first time all year -- the most 43047 distractingly attractive student in the class will sit next to you. 43048% 43049Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny. 43050% 43051Secretary's Revenge: 43052 Filing almost everything under "the". 43053% 43054Section 2.4.3.5 AWNS (Acceptor Wait for New Cycle State). 43055 In AWNS the AH function indicates that it has received a 43056multiline message byte. 43057 In AWNS the RFD message must be sent false and the DAC message 43058must be sent passive true. 43059 The AH function must exit the AWNS and enter: 43060 (1) The ANRS if DAV is false 43061 (2) The AIDS if the ATN message is false and neither: 43062 (a) The LADS is active 43063 (b) Nor LACS is active 43064 43065 -- from the IEEE Standard Digital Interface for 43066 Programmable Instrumentation 43067% 43068Security check: INTRUDER ALERT! 43069% 43070Sed quis custodiet ipsos Custodes? 43071[Who guards the Guardians?] 43072% 43073Seduced, shaggy Samson snored. 43074She scissored short. Sorely shorn, 43075Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed, 43076Silently scheming, 43077Sightlessly seeking 43078Some savage, spectacular suicide. 43079 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 43080% 43081"See - the thing is - I'm an absolutist. I mean, kind of ... 43082in a way ..." 43083% 43084See, these two penguins walked into a bar, which was really stupid, 'cause 43085the second one should have seen it. 43086% 43087Seeing a commotion in Harvard Square, a man strolled over and asked what 43088was going on. One of the onlookers explained to him that there was a Mooney 43089who had immersed himself in gasoline and was threatening to set fire to 43090himself to demonstrate his commitment to the Rev. Moon. The man gasped and 43091asked what was being done to defuse the obviously dangerous situation. 43092 "Well", replied the onlooker, "we're taking up a collection -- so 43093far I've got two Bics, four Zippos and eighteen books of matches." 43094% 43095Seeing is believing. 43096You wouldn't have seen it if you hadn't believed it. 43097% 43098Seeing is deceiving. It's eating that's believing. 43099 -- James Thurber 43100% 43101Seeing that death, a necessary end, 43102Will come when it will come. 43103 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 43104% 43105Seek simplicity -- and distrust it. 43106 -- Alfred North Whitehead 43107% 43108Seems a computer engineer, a systems analyst, and a programmer were 43109driving down a mountain when the brakes gave out. They screamed down the 43110mountain, gaining speed, but finally managed to grind to a halt, more by 43111luck than anything else, just inches from a thousand foot drop to jagged 43112rocks. They all got out of the car: 43113 The computer engineer said, "I think I can fix it." 43114 The systems analyst said, "No, no, I think we should take it 43115into town and have a specialist look at it." 43116 The programmer said, "OK, but first I think we should get back 43117in and see if it does it again." 43118% 43119Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription 43120counter and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help 43121you?". 43122 The duck replies, "Yes, I'd like a box of condoms, please." 43123 "Certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would 43124you like me to put it on your bill?" 43125 Snarls the duck, "Just what kind of duck do you think I am?" 43126% 43127Seems like this farmer purchased an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans 43128to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, 43129the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around. 43130During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's 43131work, praying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your 43132dreams!" 43133 A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. 43134Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place -- the farm house is 43135completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there is plenty of cattle and 43136other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields 43137are filled with crops planted in neat rows. "Amazing!" the preacher says. 43138"Look what God and you have accomplished together!" 43139 "Yes, reverend," replies the farmer, "but remember what the farm was 43140like when God was working it alone!" 43141% 43142Seems like this guy wanders into a rural outfitting store in Alaska, 43143and starts talking to a rather grizzled old man sitting by the cash 43144register. 43145 "Hear ya got a lotta' bears 'round here?" 43146 "Yeah, you could say that," answers the old man. 43147 "GRIZZLIES?!?!" 43148 "A few." 43149 "Got any bear bells?" 43150 "What's that?" 43151 "You know, them little dingle-bells ya put on yer backpack so 43152bears know yer there so's they can run away ... I'll take one fer black 43153bears, and one fer them grizzlies. Say, how do you know yer in grizzly 43154country, anyhow?" 43155 "Look fer scat. Grizzly scat's different from black bear scat." 43156 "Well now, what's IN grizzly scat that's different?" 43157 "Bear bells." 43158% 43159Seems that a pollster was taking a worldwide opinion poll. 43160Her question was, "Excuse me; what's your opinion on the meat shortage?" 43161 43162In Texas, the answer was "What's a shortage?" 43163In Poland, the answer was "What's meat?" 43164In the Soviet Union, the answer was "What's an opinion?" 43165In New York City, the answer was "What's excuse me?" 43166% 43167Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his 43168doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man 43169that the only thing for his headaches was castration. After a few more 43170months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation. 43171Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously, 43172and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better. 43173He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him 43174up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve." 43175 The guy is amazed. "How'd you know?" 43176 "Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within 43177a quarter inch on every piece of clothing." The salesman's claim is borne 43178out. Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long. And so on and so forth. 43179When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy 43180some new underwear. 43181 The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34." 43182 "No, that's wrong," says the man. "I've always worn a 32." The 43183salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far. The man argues, agreeing 43184that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts. 43185 Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you, 43186you *have* to wear a 34. Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches." 43187% 43188Seems this guy showed up at a party, and all of his friends jumped for 43189Joy. But she sidestepped, and they missed. 43190% 43191Seize the day, put no trust in the morrow! 43192 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 43193% 43194Seleznick's Theory of Holistic Medicine: 43195 Ice Cream cures all ills. Temporarily. 43196% 43197Self Test for Paranoia: 43198 You know you have it when you can't think of anything that's 43199your own fault. 43200% 43201Seminars, n.: 43202 From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion. 43203% 43204semper en excretus 43205% 43206SEMPER UBI SUB UBI!!!! 43207% 43208Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would 43209 notify you if the record has pornographic material or 43210 material glorifying violence?" 43211Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me." 43212Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's 43213 legs on the album cover is good indication that it's 43214 not for little Johnny." 43215 43216 -- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock 43217 lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985 43218% 43219Senate, n.: 43220 A body of elderly gentlemen charged with high duties and 43221misdemeanors. 43222 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 43223% 43224Send some filthy mail. 43225% 43226Sendmail may be safely run set-user-id to root. 43227 -- Eric Allman, "Sendmail Installation Guide" 43228% 43229SENILITY: 43230 The state of mind of elderly persons 43231 with whom one happens to disagree. 43232% 43233Senor Castro has been accused of communist sympathies, but this means very 43234little since all opponents of the regime are automatically called communists. 43235In fact he is further to the right than General Batista. 43236 -- "Cuba's Rightist Rebel", The Economist, April 26, 1958 43237% 43238Sentient plasmoids are a gas. 43239% 43240Sentimentality -- that's what we call the sentiment we don't share. 43241 -- Graham Greene 43242% 43243SERENDIPITY: 43244 The process by which human knowledge is advanced. 43245% 43246Serenity through viciousness. 43247% 43248Serfs up! 43249 -- Spartacus 43250% 43251Serocki's Stricture: 43252 Marriage is always a bachelor's last option. 43253% 43254Serving coffee on an aircraft causes turbulence. 43255% 43256Set the cart before the horse. 43257 -- John Heywood 43258% 43259Several years ago, an international chess tournament was being held in a 43260swank hotel in New York. Most of the major stars of the chess world were 43261there, and after a grueling day of chess, the players and their entourages 43262retired to the lobby of the hotel for a little refreshment. In the lobby, 43263some players got into a heated argument about who was the brightest, the 43264fastest, and the best chess player in the world. The argument got quite 43265loud, as various players claimed that honor. At that point, a security 43266guard in the lobby turned to another guard and commented, "If there's 43267anything I just can't stand, it's chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." 43268% 43269Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a 43270big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at 43271reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's 43272build a home center. And before long home centers were springing up 43273like crabgrass all over the United States. 43274 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 43275% 43276Sex and drugs and rock and roll, 43277Is all my brain and body need. 43278Sex and drugs and rock and roll, 43279Are very good indeed. 43280 43281Take your silly ways, 43282Throw them out the window, 43283The wisdom of your ways, 43284I've been there and I know, 43285Lots of other ways... 43286 -- Ian Drury, "New Boots and Panties" 43287% 43288Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly. 43289% 43290Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it. 43291 -- Lewis Grizzard 43292% 43293Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke. 43294% 43295Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich. But a cheese sandwich, 43296if you ain't got one to put in your belly, is extremely important. 43297 -- Ian Dury 43298% 43299Sex is an emotion in motion. 43300 -- Mae West 43301% 43302"Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is 43303for diet Coke." 43304 -- Malcolm DacDougall 43305% 43306Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn. 43307 -- Garrison Keillor 43308% 43309Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad, 43310it's still darn tasty! 43311% 43312Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. 43313 -- Swami X 43314% 43315Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated. 43316 -- M. C. Reed 43317% 43318Sex: the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the 43319most amount of trouble. 43320 -- John Barrymore 43321% 43322Sex without class consciousness cannot give satisfaction, even if it is 43323repeated until infinity. 43324 -- Aldo Brandirali (Secretary of the Italian Marxist-Leninist 43325 Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines, 43326 1973. 43327% 43328Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go, 43329it's one of the best. 43330 -- Woody Allen 43331% 43332Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon 43333how children do not come into the world. 43334 -- Karl Kraus 43335% 43336Shah, shah! Ayatulla you so! 43337% 43338Shall we make a new rule of life from tonight: 43339always to try to be a little kinder than is necessary? 43340 -- J. M. Barrie 43341% 43342Shame is an improper emotion invented by 43343pietists to oppress the human race. 43344 -- Robert Preston, Toddy, "Victor/Victoria" 43345% 43346Shamus, n. [Yiddish]: 43347 A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the 43348temple, and makes sure everything is in working order. 43349 A shamus is at the bottom of the pecking order of synagogue 43350functionaries, and there's a joke about that: 43351 A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the 43352middle of a service, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" The cantor, not to be 43353bested, also cries out, "Oh, Lord, I am nobody!" 43354 The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries, "Oh, Lord, I 43355am nobody!" The rabbi turns to the cantor and says, "Look who thinks 43356he's nobody!" 43357 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 43358% 43359Shannon's Observation 43360 Nothing is so frustrating as a bad situation 43361 that is beginning to improve. 43362% 43363share, n: 43364 To give in, endure humiliation. 43365% 43366Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off 43367during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent. 43368 -- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every 43369 Teen Should Know" 43370% 43371Shaw's Principle: 43372 Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will 43373want to use it. 43374% 43375She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking 43376good. 43377 -- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes" 43378% 43379She applies her lipstick in spite of its contents: "greasy rouge, 43380containing crushed and dried insect corpses for coloring, beeswax 43381for stiffness, and olive oil to help it flow - the latter having 43382the unfortunate tendency to go rancid several hours after use. 43383 43384In 1924 the New York Board of Health considered banning lipstick, 43385not because it was hazardous to the wearers but because of "the 43386worry that it might poison the men who kissed the women who wore it." 43387 -- David Bodanis, "The Secret House" 43388% 43389She asked me, "What's your sign?" 43390I blinked and answered "Neon," 43391I thought I'd blow her mind... 43392% 43393She been married so many times 43394she got rice marks all over her face. 43395 -- Tom Waits 43396% 43397She blinded me with science! 43398% 43399She can kill all your files; 43400She can freeze with a frown. 43401And a wave of her hand brings the whole system down. 43402And she works on her code until ten after three. 43403She lives like a bat but she's always a hacker to me. 43404 -- Apologies to Billy Joel 43405% 43406She cried, and the judge wiped her tears with my checkbook. 43407 -- Tommy Manville 43408% 43409She has an alarm clock and a phone that don't ring - they applaud. 43410% 43411"She is descended from a long line that her mother listened to." 43412 -- Gypsy Rose Lee 43413% 43414She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot. 43415 -- Mark Twain 43416% 43417She just came in, pounced around this thing with me for a few 43418years, enjoyed herself, gave it a sort of beautiful quality and 43419left. Excited a few men in the meantime. 43420 -- Patrick Macnee, reminiscing on Diana Rigg's 43421 involvement in "The Avengers". 43422% 43423She liked him; he was a man of many qualities, even if most of them 43424were bad. 43425% 43426She missed an invaluable opportunity to give him a look that you could 43427have poured on a waffle ... 43428% 43429She often gave herself very good advice 43430(though she very seldom followed it). 43431 -- Lewis Carroll 43432% 43433She ran the gamut of emotions from "A" to "B". 43434 -- Dorothy Parker, on a Kate Hepburn performance 43435% 43436"She said, `I know you ... you cannot sing'. I said, `That's nothing, 43437you should hear me play piano.'" 43438 -- Morrisey 43439% 43440She say, Miss Colie, You better hush. God might hear you. 43441Let 'im hear me, I say. If he ever listened to poor colored 43442women the world would be a different place, I can tell you. 43443 -- Alice Walker, "The Color Purple" 43444% 43445She sells cshs by the cshore. 43446% 43447She stood on the tracks 43448Waving her arms 43449Leading me to that third rail shock 43450Quick as a wink 43451She changed her mind 43452 43453She gave me a night 43454That's all it was 43455What will it take until I stop 43456Kidding myself 43457Wasting my time 43458 43459There's nothing else I can do 43460'Cause I'm doing it all for Leyna 43461I don't want anyone new 43462'Cause I'm living it all for Leyna 43463There's nothing in it for you 43464'Cause I'm giving it all to Leyna 43465 -- Billy Joel, "All for Leyna" (Glass Houses) 43466% 43467She was bred in ol' Kentucky 43468But she's just a crumb up here 43469She was knock-knee'd and double-jointed 43470With a cauliflower ear 43471Someday we will be married 43472And if vegetables become too dear 43473I'll just cut me a slice of 43474Her cauliflower ear! 43475 -- Curly Howard, "The Three Stooges" 43476% 43477She was good at playing abstract confusion in the same way a midget is 43478good at being short. 43479 -- Clive James, on Marilyn Monroe 43480% 43481She was only a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still. 43482% 43483She was only a mortician's daughter but anyone cadaver. 43484% 43485She won' go Warp 7, Cap'n! The batteries are dead! 43486% 43487Shedenhelm's Law: 43488 All trails have more uphill sections 43489 than they have downhill sections. 43490% 43491"Shelter", what a nice name for a place where you polish your cat. 43492% 43493Sheriff Chameleotoptor sighed with an air of weary sadness, and then 43494turned to Doppelgutt and said 'The Senator must really have been on a 43495bender this time -- he left a party in Cleveland, Ohio, at 11:30 last 43496night, and they found his car this morning in the smokestack of a British 43497aircraft carrier in the Formosa Straits.' 43498 -- Grand Panjandrum's Special Award, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton 43499 bad fiction contest 43500% 43501"Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have 43502taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an 43503excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature." 43504 -- Samuel Johnson 43505% 43506She's genuinely bogus. 43507% 43508She's learned to say things with her eyes 43509that others waste time putting into words. 43510% 43511She's so tough she won't take 'yes' for an answer. 43512% 43513She's such a kinky girl, 43514The kind you don't take home to mother. 43515She will never let your spirits down 43516Once you get her off the street. 43517% 43518She's the kind of girl who climbed the ladder of success wrong by wrong. 43519 -- Mae West 43520% 43521Shhh... be vewy, vewy, quiet! I'm hunting wabbits... 43522% 43523Shick's Law: 43524 There is no problem a good miracle can't solve. 43525% 43526SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT! 43527POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE! 43528% 43529Shift to the left, 43530Shift to the right, 43531Mask in, mask out, 43532BYTE, BYTE, BYTE !!! 43533% 43534Ships are safe in harbor, but they were never meant to stay there. 43535% 43536Shirley MacLaine died today in a freak psychic collision today. Two freaks 43537in a van [Oh no!! It's the Copyright Police!!] Her aura-charred body was 43538laid to rest after a eulogy by Jackie Collins, fellow member of SAFE [Society 43539of Asinine Flake Entertainers]. Excerpted from some of his more quotable 43540comments: 43541 43542 "Truly a woman of the times. These times, those times..." 43543 "A Renaissance woman. Why in 1432..." 43544 "A man for all seasons. Really..." 43545 43546After the ceremony, Shirley thanked her mourners and explained how delightful 43547it was to "get it together" again, presumably referring to having her now dead 43548body join her long dead brain. 43549% 43550Sho' they got to have it against the law. Shoot, ever'body git high, 43551they wouldn't be nobody git up and feed the chickens. Hee-hee. 43552 -- Terry Southern 43553% 43554Short people get rained on last. 43555% 43556Show business is just like high school, except you get paid. 43557 -- Martin Mull 43558% 43559Show me a good loser in professional sports and I'll show you an idiot. 43560Show me a good sportsman and I'll show you a player I'm looking to trade. 43561 -- Leo Durocher 43562% 43563Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is 43564playing golf with his boss. 43565% 43566Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change. 43567% 43568Show your affection, which will probably meet with pleasant response. 43569% 43570Showing up is 80% of life. 43571 -- Woody Allen 43572% 43573Si Dieu n'existait pas, il faudrait l'inventer. 43574 -- Voltaire 43575% 43576Si jeunesse savait, si vieillesse pouvait. 43577[If youth but knew, if old age but could.] 43578 -- Henri Estienne 43579% 43580Sic transit gloria Monday! 43581% 43582Sic transit gloria mundi. 43583[So passes away the glory of this world.] 43584 -- Thomas a Kempis 43585% 43586Sic Transit Gloria Thursdi. 43587% 43588Sight is a faculty; seeing is an art. 43589% 43590Sigmund's wife wore Freudian slips. 43591% 43592Signals don't kill programs. Programs kill programs. 43593% 43594Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help. 43595 -- from the Brown University Security Crime Prevention 43596 Pamphlet 43597% 43598Silence can be the biggest lie of all. We have a responsibility to speak 43599up; and whenever the occasion calls for it, we have a responsibility to 43600raise bloody hell. 43601 -- Herbert Block 43602% 43603Silence is the element in which great things fashion themselves. 43604 -- Thomas Carlyle 43605% 43606Silence is the only virtue you have left. 43607% 43608sillema sillema nika su 43609[translation: look it up...hint-fin] 43610% 43611Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life. 43612% 43613Silly Sally was baby sitting. But Silly Sally was getting bored. Thinking 43614a walk would help, she put the baby in his carriage. Silly Sally pushed the 43615carriage and pushed the carriage up this hill and down that one. She pushed 43616the carriage up the highest hill in town, and ALL OF A SUDDEN! It slipped out 43617of her hands (OH! NO!) and it was headed at high speed for the busiest 43618intersection in town. BUT! 43619 43620Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d........... 43621BECAUSE! SHE KNEW THERE WAS A STOP SIGN AT THE BOTTOM OF THE HILL! 43622 43623Silly Sally was playing in the garage. And she was being disobedient. 43624She was playing with matches... AND... She burned down the garage. 43625(OHHHHHH) Silly Sally's mother said, "Silly Sally! You have been naughty! 43626And when your father gets home, you are going to get a good licking!" BUT! 43627 43628Silly Sally just laughed and la.....ug.......h....e....d........... 43629BECAUSE! SHE KNEW HER FATHER WAS IN THE GARAGE WHEN SHE BURNED IT DOWN! 43630% 43631Silverman's Law: 43632 If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will. 43633% 43634Simon's Law: 43635 Everything put together falls apart sooner or later. 43636% 43637Simplicity does not precede complexity, but follows it. 43638% 43639Simulations are like miniskirts, they show a lot and hide the essentials. 43640 -- Hubert Kirrman 43641% 43642Sin boldly. 43643 -- Martin Luther 43644% 43645Sin has many tools, but a lie is the handle which fits them all. 43646% 43647Sin lies only in hurting other people unnecessarily. 43648All other "sins" are invented nonsense. 43649(Hurting yourself is not sinful -- just stupid). 43650 -- Lazarus Long 43651% 43652Since a politician never believes what he says, he is surprised 43653when others believe him. 43654 -- Charles DeGaulle 43655% 43656Since aerosols are forbidden, the police are using roll-on Mace! 43657% 43658Since before the Earth was formed and before the sun burned hot in space, 43659cosmic forces of inexorable power have been working relentlessly toward 43660this moment in space-time -- your receiving this fortune. 43661% 43662Since everything in life is but an experience perfect in being what it is, 43663having nothing to do with good or bad, acceptance or rejection, one may well 43664burst out in laughter. 43665 -- Long Chen Pa 43666% 43667Since I hurt my pendulum 43668My life is all erratic. 43669My parrot, who was cordial, 43670Is now transmitting static. 43671The carpet died, a palm collapsed, 43672The cat keeps doing poo. 43673The only thing that keeps me sane 43674Is talking to my shoe. 43675 -- My Shoe 43676% 43677Since we cannot hope for order, let us withdraw with style from the chaos. 43678 -- Tom Stoppard 43679% 43680Since we have to speak well of the dead, let's knock them while they're 43681alive. 43682 -- John Sloan 43683% 43684Since we're all here, we must not be all there. 43685 -- Bob "Mountain" Beck 43686% 43687Sink or Swim with Teddy! 43688% 43689Sinners can repent, but stupid is forever. 43690% 43691Sir, it's quite possible this asteroid is not entirely stable. 43692 -- C-3PO 43693% 43694[Sir Stafford Cripps] has all the virtues I dislike and none of the 43695vices I admire. 43696 -- Winston Churchill 43697% 43698Six days after the Creation, Adam was still alone in the Garden of 43699Eden, and getting pretty desperate. "God!" he cried, "rescue me from 43700loneliness and despair! Send some company for Your sake!" 43701 43702God replied "OK, I have just the thing. Keep you warm and relaxed all 43703the days of your life. Never complains. Looks up to you in every way. 43704It'll cost you though". 43705 43706"Sounds ideal" said Adam. "The society of the beasts of the field and 43707the birds of the air palls after a while. What's the price?" 43708 43709"An arm and a leg", said God. 43710 43711Adam thought about it for a bit and finally sighed. "So, what can I get 43712for a rib?" 43713% 43714Sixtus V, Pope from 1585 to 1590 authorized a printing of the Vulgate 43715Bible. Taking no chances, the pope issued a papal bull automatically 43716excommunicating any printer who might make an alteration in the text. 43717This he ordered printed at the beginning of the Bible. He personally 43718examined every sheet as it came off the press. Yet the published 43719Vulgate Bible contained so many errors that corrected scraps had to be 43720printed and pasted over them in every copy. The result provoked wry 43721comments on the rather patchy papal infallibility, and Pope Sixtus had 43722no recourse but to order the return and destruction of every copy. 43723% 43724Skill without imagination is craftsmanship and gives us many useful 43725objects such as wickerwork picnic baskets. Imagination without skill 43726gives us modern art. 43727 -- Tom Stoppard 43728% 43729Skinner's Constant (or Flannagan's Finagling Factor): 43730 That quantity which, when multiplied by, divided by, added to, 43731or subtracted from the answer you get, gives you the answer you should 43732have gotten. 43733% 43734skldfjkljklsR%^&(IXDRTYju187pkasdjbasdfbuil 43735h;asvgy8p 23r1vyui135 2 43736kmxsij90TYDFS$$b jkzxdjkl bjnk ;j nk;<[][;-==-<<<<<';[, 43737 [hjioasdvbnuio;buip^&(FTSD$%*VYUI:buio;sdf}[asdf'] 43738 sdoihjfh(_YU*G&F^*CTY98y 43739 43740 43741Now look what you've gone and done! You've broken it! 43742% 43743Slang is language that takes off its coat, spits on its hands, and goes 43744to work. 43745% 43746Slaves are generally expected to sing as well as to work ... I did not, 43747when a slave, understand the deep meanings of those rude, and 43748apparently incoherent songs. I was myself within the circle, so that I 43749neither saw nor heard as those without might see and hear. They told a 43750tale which was then altogether beyond my feeble comprehension: they 43751were tones, loud, long and deep, breathing the prayer and complaint of 43752souls boiling over with the bitterest anguish. Every tone was a 43753testimony against slavery, and a prayer to God for deliverance from 43754chains. 43755 -- Frederick Douglass 43756% 43757Sleep -- the most beautiful experience in life -- except drink. 43758 -- W. C. Fields 43759% 43760Sleep is for the weak and sickly. 43761% 43762Slick's Three Laws of the Universe: 43763 (1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad 43764 check. 43765 (2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat. 43766 (3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is 43767 attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is 43768 attracted to dark objects. 43769% 43770Slous' Contention: 43771 If you do a job too well, you'll get stuck with it. 43772% 43773Slow day. 43774Practice crawling. 43775% 43776Slowly and surely the Unix crept up on the Nintendo user ... 43777% 43778SLURM: 43779 The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when it 43780 sits in the dish too long. 43781 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 43782% 43783Slurm, n.: 43784 The slime that accumulates on the underside of a soap bar when 43785it sits in the dish too long. 43786 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 43787% 43788Small change can often be found under seat cushions. 43789% 43790Small is beautiful. 43791 -- Schumacher's Dictum 43792% 43793Small things make base men proud. 43794 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 43795% 43796Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my 43797teacher was in my class for five years. 43798 -- George Burns 43799% 43800Smear the road with a runner!! 43801% 43802Smile! You're on Candid Camera. 43803% 43804Smile, Cthulhu Loathes You. 43805% 43806Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult. 43807 -- Fran Lebowitz 43808% 43809SMOKING IS NOW ALLOWED !!! 43810 Anyone wishing to smoke, however, must file, in triplicate, the 43811 U.S. government Environmental Impact Narrative Statement (EINS), 43812 describing in detail the type of combustion proposed, impact on 43813 the environment, and anticipated opposition. Statements must be 43814 filed 30 days in advance. 43815% 43816Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics. 43817 -- Fletcher Knebel 43818% 43819Smoking Prohibited. Absolutely no ifs, ands, or butts. 43820% 43821Smuggling... It's not just a job, it's an adventure! 43822 -- paid for by your local Colombian recruiting office 43823% 43824Snacktrek, n.: 43825 The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly 43826 returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will 43827 have materialized. 43828 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 43829% 43830Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes? 43831% 43832SNAPPY REPARTEE: 43833 What you'd say if you had another chance. 43834% 43835Snoopy: No problem is so big that it can't be run away from. 43836% 43837Snow and adolescence are the only problems 43838that disappear if you ignore them long enough. 43839% 43840Snow Day -- stay home. 43841% 43842Snow White has become a camera buff. She spends hours and hours 43843shooting pictures of the seven dwarfs and their antics. Then she 43844mails the exposed film to a cut rate photo service. It takes weeks 43845for the developed film to arrive in the mail, but that is all right 43846with Snow White. She clears the table, washes the dishes and sweeps 43847the floor, all the while singing "Someday my prints will come." 43848% 43849So as your consumer electronics adviser, I am advising you to donate 43850your current VCR to a grate resident, who will laugh sardonically and 43851hurl it into a dumpster. Then I want you to go out and purchase a vast 43852array of 8-millimeter video equipment. 43853 43854... OK! Got everything? Well, *too bad, sucker*, because while you 43855were gone the electronics industry came up with an even newer format 43856that makes your 8-millimeter VCR look as technologically advanced as 43857toenail dirt. This format is called "3.5 hectare" and it will not be 43858made available until it is outmoded, sometime early next week, by a 43859format called "Elroy", so *order yours now*. 43860 -- Dave Barry, "No Surrender in the Electronics 43861 Revolution" 43862% 43863So... did you ever wonder, do garbagemen take showers before they 43864go to work? 43865% 43866So do the noble fall. For they are ever caught in a trap of their own making. 43867A trap -- walled by duty, and locked by reality. Against the greater force 43868they must fall -- for, against that force they fight because of duty, because 43869of obligations. And when the noble fall, the base remain. The base -- whose 43870only purpose is the corruption of what the noble did protect. Whose only 43871purpose is to destroy. The noble: who, even when fallen, retain a vestige of 43872strength. For theirs is a strength born of things other than mere force. 43873Theirs is a strength supreme... theirs is the strength -- to restore. 43874 -- Gerry Conway, "Thor", #193 43875% 43876So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in 43877praise of intelligence. 43878 -- Bertrand Russell 43879% 43880So far as we are human, what we do must be either evil or good: so far 43881as we do evil or good, we are human: and it is better, in a paradoxical 43882way, to do evil than to do nothing: at least we exist. 43883 -- T. S. Eliot, essay on Baudelaire 43884% 43885So from the depths of its enchantment, Terra was able to calculate a course 43886of action. Here at last was an opportunity to consort with Dirbanu on a 43887friendly basis -- great Dirbanu which, since it had force fields which Earth 43888could not duplicate, must of necessity have many other things Earth could 43889use; mighty Dirbanu before whom we would kneel in supplication (with purely- 43890for-defense bombs hidden in our pockets) with lowered heads (making invisible 43891the knife in our teeth) and ask for crumbs from their table (in order to 43892extrapolate the location of their kitchens). 43893 -- T. Sturgeon, "The World Well Lost" 43894% 43895So... how come the Corinthians never wrote back? 43896% 43897So, if there's no God, who changes the water? 43898 -- New Yorker cartoon of two goldfish in a bowl 43899% 43900So I'm ugly. So what? I never saw anyone hit with his face. 43901 -- Yogi Berra 43902% 43903So, is the glass half empty, half full, or just twice as 43904large as it needs to be? 43905% 43906So little time, so little to do. 43907 -- Oscar Levant 43908% 43909So live that you wouldn't be ashamed 43910to sell the family parrot to the town gossip. 43911% 43912So many beautiful women and so little time. 43913 -- John Barrymore 43914% 43915So many men and so little time. 43916% 43917So many men, so many opinions; every one his own way. 43918 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 43919% 43920So many women, and so little time! 43921% 43922So many women, so little nerve. 43923% 43924So much food, and so little time! 43925% 43926So much 43927depends 43928upon 43929a red 43930 43931wheel 43932barrow 43933glazed with 43934 43935rain 43936water 43937beside 43938the white 43939chickens. 43940 -- William Carlos Williams, "The Red Wheel Barrow" 43941% 43942So now 43943that you have- 43944 43945you know, whoever 43946 43947you're trying 43948to do 43949 43950a favor 43951for 43952 43953-you've done it- 43954 43955and I'm sure 43956you had 43957 43958a smirk 43959on your mouth 43960 43961as you got me 43962into this. 43963 -- "To Linda", from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot, 43964 composed for Linda Wertheimer of National Public Radio. 43965 From SPY Magazine, November 1992 43966% 43967"So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple 43968pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops 43969its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very 43970imprudently married the barber; and there were present the Picninnies, 43971and the Grand Panjandrum himself, with the little round button at top, 43972and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the 43973gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots." 43974 -- Samuel Foote 43975% 43976So so is good, very good, very excellent good: 43977and yet it is not; it is but so so. 43978 -- William Shakespeare, "As You Like It" 43979% 43980So... so you think you can tell 43981Heaven from Hell? 43982Blue skies from pain? Did they get you to trade 43983Can you tell a green field Your heroes for ghosts? 43984From a cold steel rail? Hot ashes for trees? 43985A smile from a veil? Hot air for a cool breeze? 43986Do you think you can tell? Cold comfort for change? 43987 Did you exchange 43988 A walk on part in a war 43989 For the lead role in a cage? 43990 -- Pink Floyd, "Wish You Were Here" 43991% 43992So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their procedure is 43993to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as to infest the 43994waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of sharks today is 43995bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making documentaries. Once the 43996sharks arrive, they are generally fairly listless. The general shark attitude 43997seems to be: "Oh God, another documentary." So the divers have to somehow 43998goad them into attacking, under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know 43999very little about the effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will 44000say, in a deeply scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this 44001Great White in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind 44002of thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and 44003then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very dangerous 44004development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along. 44005 -- Dave Barry 44006% 44007So this it it. We're going to die. 44008% 44009So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? And why can't he ever 44010remember his Bible? 44011% 44012So, you better watch out! 44013You better not cry! 44014You better not pout! 44015I'm telling you why, 44016Santa Claus is coming, to town. 44017 44018He knows when you've been sleeping, 44019He know when you're awake. 44020He knows if you've been bad or good, 44021He has ties with the CIA. 44022So... 44023% 44024"So you don't have to, Cindy, but I was wondering if you might 44025 want to go to someplace, you know, with me, sometime." 44026"Well, I can think of a lot of worse things, David." 44027"Friday, then?" 44028"Why not, David, it might even be fun." 44029 -- Dating in Minnesota 44030% 44031So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality all 44032core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have tomorrow, 44033why, it already happened. You see, its just a little universal recursive joke 44034which threads our lives through the infinite potential of the instant. So go 44035to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment and cast you out of the 44036safe security of the instant into the dark void of eternity, the anti-time. 44037So go to sleep, ... 44038% 44039So you see Antonio, why worry about one little core dump, eh? In reality 44040all core dumps happen at the same instant, so the core dump you will have 44041tomorrow, why, it already happened. You see, it's just a little universal 44042recursive joke which threads our lives through the infinite potential of 44043the instant. So go to sleep, Antonio, your thread could break any moment 44044and cast you out of the safe security of the instant into the dark void of 44045eternity, the anti-time. So go to sleep... 44046% 44047So you think that money is the root of all evil. 44048Have you ever asked what is the root of money? 44049 -- Ayn Rand 44050% 44051So you're back... about time... 44052% 44053Soap and education are not as sudden as a 44054massacre, but they are more deadly in the long run. 44055 -- Mark Twain 44056% 44057SOCIALISM: 44058 You have two cows. Give one to your neighbour. 44059COMMUNISM: 44060 You have two cows. 44061 Give both to the government. The government gives you milk. 44062CAPITALISM: 44063 You sell one cow and buy a bull. 44064FASCISM: 44065 You have two cows. Give milk to the government. 44066 The government sells it. 44067NAZISM: 44068 The government shoots you and takes the cows. 44069NEW DEALISM: 44070 The government shoots one cow, 44071 milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink. 44072ANARCHISM: 44073 Keep the cows. Steal another one. Shoot the government. 44074CONSERVATISM: 44075 Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows. 44076% 44077Sodd's Second Law: 44078 Sooner or later, the worst possible set of circumstances is 44079bound to occur. 44080% 44081Software, n.: 44082 Formal evening attire for female computer analysts. 44083% 44084Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run 44085like a staff function." 44086 -- Paul Licker 44087% 44088Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more 44089"user-friendly". ... Their best approach, so far, has been to take all 44090the old brochures, and stamp the words, "user-friendly" on the cover. 44091 -- Bill Gates, Microsoft, Inc. 44092% 44093Soldiers who wish to be a hero 44094Are practically zero, 44095But those who wish to be civilians, 44096They run into the millions. 44097% 44098Solipsists of the World... you are already united. 44099 -- Kayvan Sylvan 44100% 44101Solutions are obvious if one only has the 44102optical power to observe them over the horizon. 44103 -- K. A. Arsdall 44104% 44105Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, 44106and some few to be chewed and digested. 44107 -- Francis Bacon 44108 [As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows. Ed.] 44109% 44110Some changes are so slow, you don't notice them. 44111Others are so fast, they don't notice you. 44112% 44113Some circumstantial evidence is very strong, 44114as when you find a trout in the milk. 44115 -- Thoreau 44116% 44117Some don't prefer the pursuit of happiness to the happiness of pursuit. 44118% 44119Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke. 44120% 44121Some marriages are made in heaven -- but so are thunder and lightning. 44122% 44123Some men are alive simply because it is against the law to kill them. 44124 -- Ed Howe 44125% 44126Some men are all right in their place -- if they only the knew the right 44127places! 44128 -- Mae West 44129% 44130Some men are discovered; others are found out. 44131% 44132Some men are heterosexual, and some are bisexual, and some men don't think 44133about sex at all... they become lawyers. 44134 -- Woody Allen 44135% 44136Some men are so interested in their wives continued happiness 44137that they hire detectives to find out the reason for it. 44138% 44139Some men are so macho they'll get you pregnant just to kill a rabbit. 44140 -- Maureen Murphy 44141% 44142Some men feel that the only thing they owe 44143the woman who marries them is a grudge. 44144 -- Helen Rowland 44145% 44146Some men love truth so much that they seem to be in continual fear 44147lest she should catch a cold on overexposure. 44148 -- Samuel Butler 44149% 44150Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen. 44151 -- Woodie Guthrie 44152% 44153Some men who fear that they are playing 44154second fiddle aren't in the band at all. 44155% 44156Some of my readers ask me what a "Serial Port" is. 44157The answer is: I don't know. 44158Is it some kind of wine you have with breakfast? 44159% 44160Some of the most interesting documents from Sweden's middle ages are the 44161old county laws (well, we never had counties but it's the nearest equivalent 44162I can find for "landskap"). These laws were written down sometime in the 4416313th century, but date back even down into Viking times. The oldest one is 44164the Vastgota law which clearly has pagan influences, thinly covered with some 44165Christian stuff. In this law, we find a page about "lekare", which is the 44166Old Norse word for a performing artist, actor/jester/musician etc. Here is 44167an approximate translation, where I have written "artist" as equivalent of 44168"lekare". 44169 "If an artist is beaten, none shall pay fines for it. If an artist 44170 is wounded, one such who goes with hurdie-gurdie or travels with 44171 fiddle or drum, then the people shall take a wild heifer and bring 44172 it out on the hillside. Then they shall shave off all hair from the 44173 heifer's tail, and grease the tail. Then the artist shall be given 44174 newly greased shoes. Then he shall take hold of the heifer's tail, 44175 and a man shall strike it with a sharp whip. If he can hold her, he 44176 shall have the animal. If he cannot hold her, he shall endure what 44177 he received, shame and wounds." 44178% 44179Some of the things that live the longest 44180in peoples' memories never really happened. 44181% 44182Some of them want to use you, 44183Some of them want to be used by you, 44184...Everybody's looking for something. 44185 -- Eurythmics 44186% 44187Some of us are becoming the men we wanted to marry. 44188 -- Gloria Steinem 44189% 44190Some of you ... may have decided that, this year, you're going to 44191celebrate it the old-fashioned way, with your family sitting around 44192stringing cranberries and exchanging humble, handmade gifts, like on 44193"The Waltons". Well, you can forget it. If everybody pulled that kind 44194of subversive stunt, the economy would collapse overnight. The 44195government would have to intervene: it would form a cabinet-level 44196Department of Holiday Gift-Giving, which would spend billions and 44197billions of tax dollars to buy Barbie dolls and electronic games, which 44198it would drop on the populace from Air Force jets, killing and maiming 44199thousands. So, for the good of the nation, you should go along with 44200the Holiday Program. This means you should get a large sum of money 44201and go to a mall. 44202 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 44203% 44204Some parts of the past must be preserved, 44205and some of the future prevented at all costs. 44206% 44207Some people are afraid of heights. I'm afraid of widths. 44208 -- Steven Wright 44209% 44210Some people are born mediocre, some people achieve mediocrity, and some 44211people have mediocrity thrust upon them. 44212 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" 44213% 44214Some people around here wouldn't recognize 44215subtlety if it hit them on the head. 44216% 44217Some people call them "cars" or "trucks"; I call them "dimensional 44218transmogrifiers" because they change three-dimensional cats into 44219two-dimensional ones. 44220 -- F. Frederick Skitty 44221% 44222Some people carve careers, others chisel them. 44223% 44224Some people cause happiness wherever 44225they go; others, whenever they go. 44226% 44227Some people claim that the UNIX learning curve is steep, 44228but at least you only have to climb it once. 44229% 44230Some people have a great ambition: to build something 44231that will last, at least until they've finished building it. 44232% 44233Some people have a way about them that seems to say: "If I have only 44234one life to live, let me live it as a jerk." 44235% 44236Some people have no respect for age unless it's bottled. 44237% 44238Some people have parts that are so private 44239they themselves have no knowledge of them. 44240% 44241Some people in this department wouldn't recognize subtlety if it hit 44242them on the head. 44243% 44244Some people live life in the fast lane. You're in oncoming traffic. 44245% 44246Some people manage by the book, even though they 44247don't know who wrote the book or even what book. 44248% 44249Some people need a good imaginary cure 44250for their painful imaginary ailment. 44251% 44252Some people only open up to tell you that they're closed. 44253% 44254Some people pray for more than they are willing to work for. 44255% 44256Some people say a front-engine car handles best. Some people say a 44257rear-engine car handles best. I say a rented car handles best. 44258 -- P. J. O'Rourke 44259% 44260Some peoples mouths work faster than their brains. 44261They say things they haven't even thought of yet. 44262% 44263Some performers on television appear to be horrible people, but when 44264you finally get to know them in person, they turn out to be even 44265worse. 44266 -- Avery 44267% 44268Some points to remember [about animals]: 44269 44270(1) Don't go to sleep under big animals, e.g., elephants, rhinoceri, 44271 hippopotamuses; 44272(2) Don't put animals with sharp teeth or poisonous fangs down the 44273 front of your clothes; 44274(3) Don't pat certain animals, e.g., crocodiles and scorpions or dogs 44275 you have just kicked. 44276 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 44277% 44278Some primal termite knocked on wood. 44279And tasted it, and found it good. 44280And that is why your Cousin May 44281Fell through the parlor floor today. 44282 -- Ogden Nash 44283% 44284Some programming languages manage to absorb change, but withstand 44285progress. 44286 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 44287% 44288Some rise by sin and some by virtue fall. 44289% 44290Some say the world will end in fire, 44291Some say in ice. 44292From what I've tasted of desire 44293I hold with those who favor fire. 44294But if it had to perish twice 44295I think I know enough of hate 44296To say that for destruction, ice 44297Is also great 44298And would suffice 44299 -- Robert Frost, "Fire and Ice" 44300% 44301Some scholars are like donkeys, they merely carry a lot of books. 44302 -- Folk saying 44303% 44304Some things have to be believed to be seen. 44305% 44306Somebody left the cork out of my lunch. 44307 -- W. C. Fields 44308% 44309Somebody ought to cross ball point pens with coat hangers so that the 44310pens will multiply instead of disappear. 44311% 44312Somebody's moggy, by the side of the road, 44313Somebody's pussy, who forgot his highway code, 44314Somebody's favourite feline, who ran clean out of luck, 44315When he ran onto the road, and tried to argue with a truck. 44316 44317Yesterday he purred and played, in his pussy paradise, 44318Decapitating tweety birds, and masticating mice. 44319Now he's just six pounds of raw mince meat, 44320That don't smell very nice -- 44321He's nobody's moggy now. 44322 44323Oh you who love your pussy, 44324Be sure to keep him in. 44325Don't let him argue with a truck, If he tries to play 44326The truck is bound to win. On the road way 44327And upon the busy road, I'm afraid that will be that, 44328Don't let him play or frolic. There will be one last despairing 44329If you do, I'm warning you, "Meow!" 44330It could be cat-astrophic! And a sort of squelchy Splat! 44331 And your pussy will be slightly dead, 44332He's nobody's moggy -- And very, very flat! 44333Just red and squashed and soggy -- 44334He's nobody's moggy now. 44335 -- Eric Bogle, "Scraps of Paper" 44336% 44337Somebody's terminal is dropping bits. 44338I found a pile of them over in the corner. 44339% 44340Someday somebody has got to decide whether the 44341typewriter is the machine, or the person who operates it. 44342% 44343Someday, Weederman, we'll look back on all this and laugh... It will 44344probably be one of those deep, eerie ones that slowly builds to a 44345blood-curdling maniacal scream... but still it will be a laugh. 44346 -- Mister Boffo 44347% 44348Someday we'll look back on this moment and plow into a parked car. 44349 -- Evan Davis 44350% 44351Someday you'll get your big chance -- or have you already had it? 44352% 44353Someday your prints will come. 44354 -- Kodak 44355% 44356Somehow I reached excess without ever noticing 44357when I was passing through satisfaction. 44358 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 44359% 44360Somehow, the world always affects you more than you affect it. 44361% 44362Someone did a study of the three most-often-heard phrases in New York 44363City. One is "Hey, taxi." Two is, "What train do I take to get to 44364Bloomingdale's?" And three is, "Don't worry. It's just a flesh wound." 44365 -- David Letterman 44366% 44367Someone is speaking well of you. 44368How unusual! 44369% 44370Someone is unenthusiastic about your work. 44371% 44372Someone whom you reject today, will reject you tomorrow. 44373% 44374Someone will try to honk your nose today. 44375% 44376Something better... 44377 44378 1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face? 44379 2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow. 44380 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore 44381 something larger. Like ... Wyoming. 44382 4 (personal): Well, here we are. Just the three of us. 44383 5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen 44384 minutes late. 44385 6 (envious): Oooo, I wish I were you. Gosh. To be able to smell your 44386 own ear. 44387 7 (naughty): Pardon me, Sir. Some of the ladies have asked if you wouldn't 44388 mind putting that thing away. 44389 8 (philosophical): You know. It's not the size of a nose that's important. 44390 It's what's in it that matters. 44391 9 (humorous): Laugh and the world laughs with you. Sneeze and its goodbye 44392 Seattle. 4439310 (commercial): Hi, I'm Earl Schibe and I can paint that nose for $39.95. 4439411 (polite): Ah. Would you mind not bobbing your head. The orchestra keeps 44395 changing tempo. 4439612 (melodic): Everybody! "He's got the whole world in his nose." 44397 -- Steve Martin, "Roxanne" 44398% 44399Something unpleasant is coming when men are anxious to tell the truth. 44400 -- Benjamin Disraeli 44401% 44402Something's rotten in the state of Denmark. 44403 -- William Shakespeare 44404% 44405Sometime when you least expect it, Love will tap you on the shoulder... 44406and ask you to move out of the way because it still isn't your turn. 44407 -- N. V. Plyter 44408% 44409Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. 44410 -- Sigmund Freud 44411% 44412Sometimes a man who deserves to be looked down upon because he is a 44413fool is despised only because he is a lawyer. 44414 -- Montesquieu 44415% 44416Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm 44417smiling and shaking their hands, I want to kick them. 44418 -- Richard Nixon 44419% 44420Sometimes even to live is an act of courage. 44421 -- Seneca 44422% 44423Sometimes I feel like I'm fading away, 44424Looking at me, I got nothin' to say. 44425Don't make me angry with the things games that you play, 44426Either light up or leave me alone. 44427% 44428Sometimes I get the feeling that I went to a party on Perry Lane in 1962, and 44429the party spilled out of the house, and came down the street, and covered the 44430world. 44431 -- Robert Stone 44432% 44433Sometimes I live in the country, 44434And sometimes I live in town. 44435And sometimes I have a great notion, 44436To jump in the river and drown. 44437% 44438"Sometimes I simply feel that the whole world is a cigarette and I'm 44439the only ashtray." 44440% 44441Sometimes I wonder if I'm in my right mind. 44442Then it passes off and I'm as intelligent as ever. 44443 -- Samuel Beckett, "Endgame" 44444% 44445Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world. 44446 -- Lily Tomlin 44447% 44448Sometimes it happens. People just explode. Natural causes. 44449 -- Repo Man 44450% 44451Sometimes love ain't nothing but a misunderstanding between two fools. 44452% 44453SOMETIMES THE BEAUTY OF THE WORLD is so overwhelming, I just want to throw 44454back my head and gargle. Just gargle and gargle and I don't care who hears 44455me because I am beautiful. 44456 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. 44457% 44458Sometimes the best medicine is to stop taking something. 44459% 44460Sometimes the light is all shining on me, 44461Other times I can hardly see. 44462Lately it occurs to me 44463What a long strange trip it's been. 44464 -- The Grateful Dead, "American Beauty" 44465% 44466Sometimes, too long is too long. 44467 -- Joe Crowe 44468% 44469Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar. I feel 44470like I've just got to bite a cat! I feel like if I don't bite a cat 44471before sundown, I'll go crazy! But then I just take a deep breath and 44472forget about it. That's what is known as real maturity. 44473 -- Snoopy 44474% 44475Sometimes, when I think of what that girl means 44476to me, it's all I can do to keep from telling her. 44477 -- Andy Capp 44478% 44479Sometimes when you look into his eyes you get the feeling that someone 44480else is driving. 44481 -- David Letterman 44482% 44483Sometimes you get an almost irresistible urge to go on living. 44484% 44485Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering. 44486% 44487Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a 44488woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. 44489 -- Sam Levenson 44490% 44491"Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the 44492Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then 44493intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men 44494and women, such as are we all? And thus happily sent forth, at our 44495best, with good grace and fine wit, on calm noons, in fair climes, are 44496we not God's Machineries of Joy?" 44497 44498"If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin." 44499 -- Ray Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy" 44500% 44501Somewhere, something incredible is waiting to be known. 44502 -- Carl Sagan 44503% 44504Son, someday a man is going to walk up to you with a deck of cards on which 44505the seal is not yet broken. And he is going to offer to bet you that he can 44506make the Ace of Spades jump out of the deck and squirt cider in your ears. 44507But son, do not bet this man, for you will end up with an ear full of cider. 44508 -- Sky Masterson's Father 44509% 44510Song Title of the Week: 44511 "They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change 44512in me." 44513% 44514Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already 44515paid may disregard this fortune). 44516% 44517Sorry. I forget what I was going to say. 44518% 44519Sorry. Nice try. 44520% 44521Sorry never means having you're say to love. 44522% 44523Sorry, no fortune this time. 44524% 44525Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind- 44526bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the 44527road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space. 44528 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 44529% 44530Space is to place as eternity is to time. 44531 -- Joseph Joubert 44532% 44533Space tells matter how to move and matter tells space how to curve. 44534 -- Wheeler 44535% 44536Space: the final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship Enterprise. 44537Its five-year mission: to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life 44538and new civilizations; to boldly go where no man has gone before. 44539 -- Captain James T. Kirk 44540% 44541SPAGMUMPS: 44542 Any of the millions of Styrofoam wads that accompany mail-order items. 44543 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 44544% 44545"Spare no expense to save money on this one." 44546 -- Samuel Goldwyn 44547% 44548Spark's Sixth Rule for Managers: 44549 If a subordinate asks you a pertinent question, look at him as 44550if he had lost his senses. When he looks down, paraphrase the question 44551back at him. 44552% 44553Speak roughly to your little boy, 44554 And beat him when he sneezes: 44555He only does it to annoy 44556 Because he knows it teases. 44557 44558 Wow! wow! wow! 44559 44560I speak severely to my boy, 44561 And beat him when he sneezes: 44562For he can thoroughly enjoy 44563 The pepper when he pleases! 44564 44565 Wow! wow! wow! 44566 -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland" 44567% 44568Speak roughly to your little VAX, 44569 And boot it when it crashes; 44570It knows that one cannot relax 44571 Because the paging thrashes! 44572 44573 Wow! Wow! Wow! 44574 44575I speak severely to my VAX, 44576 And boot it when it crashes; 44577In spite of all my favorite hacks 44578 My jobs it always thrashes! 44579 44580 Wow! Wow! Wow! 44581% 44582Speak softly and carry a +6 two-handed sword. 44583% 44584Speak softly and own a big, mean Doberman. 44585 -- Dave Millman 44586% 44587"Speak, thou vast and venerable head," muttered Ahab, "which, though 44588ungarnished with a beard, yet here and there lookest hoary with mosses; speak, 44589mighty head, and tell us the secret thing that is in thee. Of all divers, 44590thou has dived the deepest. That head upon which the upper sun now gleams has 44591moved amid the world's foundations. Where unrecorded names and navies rust, 44592and untold hopes and anchors rot; where in her murderous hold this frigate 44593earth is ballasted with bones of millions of the drowned; there, in that awful 44594water-land, there was thy most familiar home. Thou hast been where bell or 44595diver never went; has slept by many a sailer's side, where sleepless mothers 44596would give their lives to lay them down. Thou saw'st the locked lovers when 44597leaping from their flaming ship; heart to heart they sank beneath the exulting 44598wave; true to each other, when heaven seemed false to them. Thou saw'st the 44599murdered mate when tossed by pirates from the midnight deck; for hours he fell 44600into the deeper midnight of the insatiate maw; and his murderers still sailed 44601on unharmed -- while swift lightnings shivered the neighboring ship that would 44602have borne a righteous husband to outstretched, longing arms. O head! thou has 44603seen enough to split the planets and make an infidel of Abraham, and not one 44604syllable is thine!" 44605 -- H. Melville, "Moby Dick" 44606% 44607Speaking as someone who has delved into the intricacies of PL/I, I am 44608sure that only Real Men could have written such a machine-hogging, 44609cycle-grabbing, all-encompassing monster. Allocate an array and free 44610the middle third? Sure! Why not? Multiply a character string times a 44611bit string and assign the result to a float decimal? Go ahead! Free a 44612controlled variable procedure parameter and reallocate it before 44613passing it back? Overlay three different types of variable on the same 44614memory location? Anything you say! Write a recursive macro? Well, 44615no, but Real Men use rescan. How could a language so obviously 44616designed and written by Real Men not be intended for Real Man use? 44617% 44618Speaking of Godzilla and other things that convey horror: 44619 44620 With a purposeful grimace and a Mongo-like flair 44621 He throws the spinning disk drives in the air! 44622 And he picks up a Vax and he throws it back down 44623 As he wades through the lab making terrible sounds! 44624 Helpless users with projects due 44625 Scream "My God!" as he stomps on the tape drives, too! 44626 44627 Oh, no! He says Unix runs too slow! Go, go, DECzilla! 44628 Oh, yes! He's gonna bring up VMS! Go, go, DECzilla!" 44629 44630* VMS is a trademark of Digital Equipment Corporation 44631* DECzilla is a trademark of Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of Death, Inc. 44632 -- Curtis Jackson 44633% 44634Speaking of love, one problem that recurs more and more frequently 44635these days, in books and plays and movies, is the inability of people 44636to communicate with the people they love; Husbands and wives who can't 44637communicate, children who can't communicate with their parents, and so 44638on. And the characters in these books and plays and so on (and in real 44639life, I might add) spend hours bemoaning the fact that they can't 44640communicate. I feel that if a person can't communicate, the very _____least 44641he can do is to Shut Up! 44642 -- Tom Lehrer, "That Was the Year that Was" 44643% 44644Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's 44645on sale. After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites! 44646% 44647Special tonight, the best toot in town at prices you won't believe!! 44648Also, the finest dope, brought all the way from Columbia by spirited 44649young adventurers. All available tonight, as usual, in the graduate 44650students bullpen from 11: pm on, usual terms and conditions. 44651Faculty members especially welcome. 44652% 44653"Speed is subsittute fo accurancy." 44654% 44655Speed upon county roads will be limited to ten miles an hour unless the 44656motorist sees a bailiff who does not appear to have had a drink in 30 days, 44657when the driver will be permitted to make what he can. 44658 -- Proposed legislation, Illinois State Legislature, May, 1907 44659% 44660Speer's 1st Law of Proofreading: 44661 The visibility of an error is inversely proportional to the 44662number of times you have looked at it. 44663% 44664Spelling is a lossed art. 44665% 44666Spence's Admonition: 44667 Never stow away on a kamikaze plane. 44668% 44669Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers. 44670% 44671SPINSTER: 44672 A bachelor's wife. 44673% 44674Spirtle, n.: 44675 The fine stream from a grapefruit that always lands right in 44676 your eye. 44677 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 44678% 44679Spock: The odds of surviving another 44680attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain. 44681% 44682Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain. 44683% 44684Spouse, n.: 44685 Someone who'll stand by you through all the trouble you 44686wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single. 44687% 44688Spring is here, spring is here, 44689Life is skittles and life is beer. 44690% 44691Squatcho, n.: 44692 The button at the top of a baseball cap. 44693 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 44694% 44695Squirrels eating squirrels, my God, that's sick. 44696% 44697St. Patrick was a gentleman 44698who through strategy and stealth 44699drove all the snakes from Ireland. 44700Here's a toasting to his health -- 44701but not too many toastings 44702lest you lose yourself and then 44703forget the good St. Patrick 44704and see all those snakes again. 44705% 44706Stability itself is nothing else than a more sluggish motion. 44707% 44708Staff meeting in the conference room in 3 minutes. 44709% 44710Stalin was dying, and summoned Khruschev to his bedside. Wheezing his last 44711words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "The reins of the country are 44712now in your hands. But before I go, I want to give you some advice." 44713 "Yes, yes, what is it?" says Khruschev, impatiently. Reaching under 44714his pillow, Stalin produced two envelopes labeled #1 and #2. 44715 "Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely -- don't 44716open them. Only if the country is in turmoil and things aren't going well, 44717open the first one. That'll give you some advice on what to do. And, if 44718after that, if things start getting REALLY bad, open the second one." And 44719with a gasp Stalin breathed his last. 44720 Well, within a few years Khruschev started having problems -- 44721unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless. He decided it 44722was time to open the first letter. All it said was: "Blame everything on me!" 44723So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Stalin 44724for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system. 44725 But things continued on the downslide, and, finally, after much 44726deliberation, Khruschev opened the second letter. 44727 All it said was: "Write two letters." 44728% 44729Stamp out organized crime!! Abolish the IRS. 44730% 44731Stamp out philately. 44732% 44733STANDARDS: 44734 The principles we use to reject other people's code. 44735% 44736Standards are different for all things, so the standard set by man is by 44737no means the only "certain" standard. If you mistake what is relative for 44738something certain, you have strayed far from the ultimate truth. 44739 -- Chuang Tzu 44740% 44741Standing on head makes smile of frown, but rest of face also upside down. 44742% 44743Stanford women are responsible for the success of many Stanford men: 44744they give them "just one more reason" to stay in and study every night. 44745% 44746"Star Wars is adolescent nonsense; Close Encounters is obscurantist 44747drivel; Star Trek can turn your brains to pur'ee of bat guano; and the 44748greatest science fiction series of all time is Doctor Who! And I'll 44749take you all on, one-by-one or all in a bunch to back it up!" 44750 -- Harlan Ellison 44751% 44752Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. 44753 -- W. C. Fields 44754% 44755Start the day with a smile. 44756After that you can be your nasty old self again. 44757% 44758State license plates we'd like to see: 44759 44760 NEVADA MASSACHUSETTS 44761 LVME 10DR OW-A CAH 44762LAND OF 10,00 ELVIS IMPERSONATORS THE GOOFY ACCENT STATE 44763 44764 HAWAII WISCONSIN 44765 L-O HA CHEDDAR 44766FRUITY UMBRELLA COCKTAIL WONDERLAND EAT CHEESE OR DIE 44767% 44768State license plates we'd like to see: 44769 44770 ALABAMA ARIZONA 44771 IC1 NOW 120 F 44772THE UFO SIGHTING STATE THE HEAT PROSTRATION STATE 44773 44774 CONNECTICUT MISSISSIPPI 44775 5:36 EXP 4I4S2PS 44776WHERE THE SMART NY WORK FORCE LIVES THE MOST OFTEN MISSPELLED STATE 44777 44778 TEXAS FLORIDA 44779 1-2-3 HIKE ZON KED 44780PLAY FOOTBALL OR DIE AMERICA'S DRUG DEALER 44781% 44782State license plates we'd like to see: 44783 44784 MICHIGAN CALIFORNIA 44785 4-GET 74-77 EGO-MN-E-X 44786EMBARRASSED HOME STATE OF GERALD FORD THE SERIAL KILLER STATE 44787 44788 NORTH CAROLINA NEW JERSEY 44789 WL-GOLLY ARG GGH 44790HOME OF GOMER, GOOBER AND JESSE HELMS FIRST IN TOXIC WASTE 44791 44792 KANSAS WASHINGTON DC 44793 TOTO -2 $10000000 ETC 44794THE NOT MUCH SINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ WASTING YOUR MONEY SINCE 1810 44795 MOVIE STATE 44796% 44797STATISTICS: 44798 A system for expressing your political 44799 prejudices in convincing scientific guise. 44800% 44801Statistics are no substitute for judgement. 44802 -- Henry Clay 44803% 44804Statistics means never having to say you're certain. 44805% 44806Stay away from flying saucers today. 44807% 44808Stay away from hurricanes for a while. 44809% 44810Stay the curse. 44811% 44812Stay together, drag each other down. 44813% 44814Stayed in bed all morning just to pass the time, 44815There's something wrong here, there can be no more denying, 44816One of us is changing, or maybe we just stopped trying, 44817 44818And it's too late, baby, now, it's too late, 44819Though we really did try to make it, 44820Something inside has died and I can't hide and I just can't fake it... 44821 44822It used to be so easy living here with you, 44823You were light and breezy and I knew just what to do 44824Now you look so unhappy and I feel like a fool. 44825 44826There'll be good times again for me and you, 44827But we just can't stay together, don't you feel it too? 44828But I'm glad for what we had and that I once loved you... 44829 44830But it's too late baby... 44831It's too late, now darling, it's too late... 44832 -- Carol King, "Tapestry" 44833% 44834Steady movement is more important than speed, much of the time. So 44835long as there is a regular progression of stimuli to get your mental 44836hooks into, there is room for lateral movement. Once this begins, 44837its rate is a matter of discretion. 44838 -- Corwin, "Prince of Amber" 44839% 44840Stealing a rhinoceros should not be attempted lightly. 44841% 44842Steckel's Rule to Success: 44843 Good enough is never good enough. 44844% 44845Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy: 44846 Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have 44847another drink. 44848% 44849Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming: 44850 Never test for an error condition you don't know how to 44851handle. 44852% 44853Stellar rays prove fibbing never pays. 44854Embezzlement is another matter. 44855% 44856Stenderup's Law: 44857 The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up. 44858% 44859Step back, unbelievers! 44860Or the rain will never come. 44861Somebody keep the fire burning, someone come and beat the drum. 44862You may think I'm crazy, you may think that I'm insane, 44863But I swear to you, before this day is out, 44864 you folks are gonna see some rain! 44865% 44866Still a few bugs in the system... Someday I have to tell you about Uncle 44867Nahum from Maine, who spent years trying to cross a jellyfish with a shad 44868so he could breed boneless shad. His experiment backfired too, and he 44869wound up with bony jellyfish... which was hardly worth the trouble. There's 44870very little call for those up there. 44871 -- Allucquere R. "Sandy" Stone 44872% 44873Still looking for the glorious results of my misspent youth. 44874Say, do you have a map to the next joint? 44875% 44876Stinginess with privileges is kindness in disguise. 44877 -- Guide to VAX/VMS Security, Sep. 1984 44878% 44879Stock's Observation: 44880 You no sooner get your head above water 44881 but what someone pulls your flippers off. 44882% 44883Stone's Law: 44884 One man's "simple" is another man's "huh?" 44885% 44886Stop! There was first a game of blindman's buff. Of course there was. 44887And I no more believe Topper was really blind than I believe he had eyes 44888in his boots. My opinion is, that it was a done thing between him and 44889Scrooge's nephew; and that the Ghost of Christmas Present knew it. The 44890way he went after that plump sister in the lace tucker, was an outrage 44891on the credulity of human nature. 44892% 44893Stop me, before I kill again! 44894% 44895Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. 44896% 44897Stop searching. Happiness is right next to you. Now, if they'd only 44898take a bath ... 44899% 44900Stop searching forever. Happiness is just next to you. 44901% 44902Stop searching forever. Happiness is unattainable. 44903% 44904Strange things are done to be number one 44905In selling the computer The Druids were entrepreneurs, 44906IBM has their strategem And they built a granite box 44907Which steadily grows acuter, It tracked the moon, warned of monsoons, 44908And Honeywell competes like Hell, And forecast the equinox 44909But the story's missing link Their price was right, their future 44910Is the system old at Stonemenge sold bright, 44911By the firm of Druids, Inc. The prototype was sold; 44912 From Stonehenge site their bits and byte 44913 Would ship for Celtic gold. 44914The movers came to crate the frame; 44915It weighed a million ton! 44916The traffic folk thought it a joke The man spoke true, and thus to you 44917(the wagon wheels just spun); A warning from the ages; 44918"They'll nay sell that," the foreman Your stock will slip if you can't ship 44919 spat, What's in your brochure's pages. 44920"Just leave the wild weeds grow; See if it sells without the bells 44921"It's Druid-kind, over-designed, And strings that ring and quiver; 44922"And belly up they'll go." Druid repute went down the chute 44923 Because they couldn't deliver. 44924 -- Edward C. McManus, "The Computer at Stonehenge" 44925% 44926STRATEGY: 44927 A comprehensive plan of inaction. 44928% 44929Strategy: 44930 A long-range plan whose merit cannot be evaluated until sometime 44931 after those creating it have left the organization. 44932% 44933Straw? No, too stupid a fad. I put soot on warts. 44934% 44935Stress has been pinpointed as a major cause of illness. To avoid overload 44936and burnout, keep stress out of your life. Give it to others instead. Learn 44937the "Gaslight" treatment, the "Are you talking to me?" technique, and the 44938"Do you feel okay? You look pale." approach. Start with negotiation and 44939implication. Advance to manipulation and humiliation. Above all, relax 44940and have a nice day. 44941% 44942Stuckness shouldn't be avoided. It's the psychic predecessor of all 44943real understanding. An egoless acceptance of stuckness is a key to an 44944understanding of all Quality, in mechanical work as in other endeavors. 44945 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 44946% 44947Stult's Report: 44948 Our problems are mostly behind us. What we have to do now is 44949fight the solutions. 44950% 44951Stupid, n.: 44952 Losing $25 on the game and $25 on the instant replay. 44953% 44954Stupidity got us into this mess -- why can't it get us out? 44955% 44956Stupidity is its own reward. 44957% 44958Sturgeon's Law: 44959 90% of everything is crud. 44960% 44961Style may not be the answer, but at least it's a workable alternative. 44962% 44963Suaviter in modo, fortiter in re. 44964Se non e vero, e ben trovato. 44965% 44966Substitute "damn" every time you're inclined to write "very"; your 44967editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be. 44968 -- Mark Twain 44969% 44970Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way 44971before it is understood. 44972% 44973Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names 44974the streets after them. 44975 -- Bill Vaughn 44976% 44977Success is a journey, not a destination. 44978% 44979Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get. 44980% 44981Success is in the minds of Fools. 44982 -- William Wrenshaw, 1578 44983% 44984Success is relative: It is what we can make of the mess we have 44985made of things. 44986 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Family Reunion" 44987% 44988Success is something I will dress for when I get there, and not until. 44989% 44990Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring. 44991% 44992Such a fine first dream! 44993But they laughed at me; they said 44994I had made it up. 44995% 44996Such a foolish notion, that war is called devotion, 44997when the greatest warriors are the ones who stand for peace. 44998% 44999Such efforts are almost always slow, laborious, political, 45000petty, boring, ponderous, thankless, and of the utmost criticality. 45001 -- Leonard Kleinrock, on standards efforts 45002% 45003Such evil deeds could religion prompt. 45004 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 45005% 45006Sudden Death Dating: 45007 45008Quote, female: 45009 Am I worried about taking his last name? Forget it, 45010 at this point I'll take his first name, too. 45011% 45012Suddenly, Professor Liebowitz realizes he has come to the seminar 45013without his duck ... 45014% 45015Suffering alone exists, none who suffer; 45016The deed there is, but no doer thereof; 45017Nirvana is, but no one is seeking it; 45018The Path there is, but none who travel it. 45019 -- "Buddhist Symbolism", Symbols and Values 45020% 45021Suggest you just sit there and wait till life gets easier. 45022% 45023Suicide is simply a case of mistaken identity. 45024% 45025Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism. 45026 -- Donald Kaul 45027% 45028Sum quod eris. 45029% 45030Sun in the night, everyone is together, 45031Ascending into the heavens, life is forever. 45032 -- Brand X, "Moroccan Roll/Sun in the Night" 45033% 45034SUN Microsystems: 45035 The Network IS the Load Average. 45036% 45037(Sung to the tune of "The Impossible Dream" from MAN OF LA MANCHA) 45038 45039 To code the impossible code, 45040 To bring up a virgin machine, 45041 To pop out of endless recursion, 45042 To grok what appears on the screen, 45043 45044 To right the unrightable bug, 45045 To endlessly twiddle and thrash, 45046 To mount the unmountable magtape, 45047 To stop the unstoppable crash! 45048% 45049SUNSET: 45050 Pronounced atmospheric scattering of shorter wavelengths, 45051 resulting in selective transmission below 650 nanometers with 45052 progressively reducing solar elevation. 45053% 45054Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy 45055have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging. 45056 -- Martin Luther 45057% 45058Superstitions typically involve seeing order where in fact there is 45059none, and denial amounts to rejecting evidence of regularities, 45060sometimes even ones that are staring us in the face. 45061 -- Murray Gell-Mann, "Quark and the Jaguar" 45062% 45063Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics? 45064Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of 45065 Quantum Mechanics? 45066Supervisor: You mean "No", don't you? 45067Supervisee: Yes. 45068 -- Overheard at a supervision 45069% 45070Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have! 45071% 45072Support Bingo, keep Grandma off the streets. 45073% 45074Support mental health or I'LL KILL YOU!!!! 45075% 45076Support the American Kidney Foundation. 45077Don't wear your motorcycle helmet. 45078% 45079Support the Girl Scouts! 45080 (Today's Brownie is tomorrow's Cookie!) 45081% 45082Support wildlife -- vote for an orgy. 45083% 45084Support your local church or synagogue. 45085Worship at Bank of America. 45086% 45087Support your local police force -- steal!! 45088% 45089Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost. 45090% 45091Support your right to arm bears!! 45092% 45093Support your right to bare arms! 45094 -- A message from the National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association 45095% 45096Suppose for a moment that the automobile industry had developed at the same 45097rate as computers and over the same period: how much cheaper and more 45098efficient would the current models be? If you have not already heard the 45099analogy, the answer is shattering. Today you would be able to buy a 45100Rolls-Royce for $2.75, it would do three million miles to the gallon, and 45101it would deliver enough power to drive the Queen Elizabeth II. And if you 45102were interested in miniaturization, you could place half a dozen of them on 45103a pinhead. 45104 -- Christopher Evans 45105% 45106Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead! 45107% 45108Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest 45109men in national government too. 45110 -- Richard Nixon 45111% 45112"Surely you can't be serious." 45113"I am serious, and don't call me Shirley." 45114% 45115Surly to bed, surly to rise, makes you about average. 45116% 45117Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit! Just type 45118in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving 45119the room is punishable under law: 45120 45121Name # 45122 45123 45124% 45125Surprise due today. Also the rent. 45126% 45127Surprise your boss. Get to work on time. 45128% 45129sushi, n: 45130 When that-which-may-still-be-alive is put on top of rice and 45131 strapped on with electrical tape. 45132% 45133Sushido, n: 45134 The way of the tuna. 45135% 45136Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind. 45137 -- William Shakespeare 45138% 45139Swahili, n.: 45140 The language used by the National Enquirer to print their 45141retractions. 45142 -- Johnny Hart 45143% 45144Swap read error. You lose your mind. 45145% 45146SWEATER: 45147 A garment worn by a child when their mother feels chilly. 45148% 45149Sweater, n.: 45150 A garment worn by a child when its mother feels chilly. 45151% 45152Sweet April showers do spring May flowers. 45153 -- Thomas Tusser 45154% 45155Sweet sixteen is beautiful Bess, 45156And her voice is changing -- from "No" to "Yes". 45157% 45158Swerve me? The path to my fixed purpose is laid with iron rails, 45159whereon my soul is grooved to run. Over unsounded gorges, through 45160the rifled hearts of mountains, under torrents' beds, unerringly 45161I rush! 45162 -- Captain Ahab, "Moby Dick" 45163% 45164Swipple's Rule of Order: 45165 He who shouts the loudest has the floor. 45166% 45167Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, beer is 45168 unusually pale and clear. 45169Problem: Glass empty. 45170Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer. 45171 45172Symptom: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, 45173 and the front of your shirt is wet. 45174Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to 45175 wrong part of face. 45176Action Required: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. 45177 Drink as many as needed to perfect drinking technique. 45178 45179 -- Bar Troubleshooting 45180% 45181Symptom: Everything has gone dark. 45182Fault: The Bar is closing. 45183Action Required: Panic. 45184 45185Symptom: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. 45186 You cannot see the bathroom light. 45187Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter. 45188Action Required: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, 45189 treat yourself to a lie-in. 45190 45191 -- Bar Troubleshooting 45192% 45193Symptom: Feet cold and wet, glass empty. 45194Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle. 45195Action Required: Turn glass other way up so that open end points 45196 toward ceiling. 45197 45198Symptom: Feet warm and wet. 45199Fault: Improper bladder control. 45200Action Required: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain 45201 to the owner about its lack of house training and 45202 demand a beer as compensation. 45203 45204 -- Bar Troubleshooting 45205% 45206Symptom: Floor blurred. 45207Fault: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. 45208Action Required: Find someone who will buy you another beer. 45209 45210Symptom: Floor moving. 45211Fault: You are being carried out. 45212Action Required: Find out if you are taken to another bar. If not, 45213 complain loudly that you are being kidnapped. 45214 45215 -- Bar Troubleshooting 45216% 45217Symptom: Floor swaying. 45218Fault: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey 45219 game in progress. 45220Action Required: Insert broom handle down back of jacket. 45221 45222Symptom: Everything has gone dim, strange taste of peanuts 45223 and pretzels or cigarette butts in mouth. 45224Fault: You have fallen forward. 45225Action Required: See above. 45226 45227Symptom: Opposite wall covered with acoustic tile and several 45228 fluorescent light strips. 45229Fault: You have fallen over backward. 45230Action Required: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your 45231 drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to help 45232 you get up, lash yourself to bar. 45233 45234 -- Bar Troubleshooting 45235% 45236Syntactic sugar causes cancer of the semicolon. 45237 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 45238% 45239System checkpoint complete. 45240% 45241System going down at 1:45 this afternoon for disk crashing. 45242% 45243System going down at 5 this afternoon to install scheduler bug. 45244% 45245System going down in 5 minutes. 45246% 45247System restarting, wait... 45248% 45249System/3! System/3! 45250See how it runs! See how it runs! 45251 Its monitor loses so totally! 45252 It runs all its programs in RPG! 45253 It's made by our favorite monopoly! 45254System/3! 45255% 45256SYSTEM-INDEPENDENT: 45257 Works equally poorly on all systems. 45258% 45259Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad 45260infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over. 45261 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 45262% 45263Systems programmer: 45264 A person in sandals who has been in the elevator with the senior 45265 vice president and is ultimately responsible for a phone call you 45266 are to receive from your boss. 45267% 45268Systems programmers are the high priests of a low cult. 45269 -- R. S. Barton 45270% 45271T: One big monster, he called TROLL. 45272 He don't rock, and he don't roll; 45273 Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies. 45274 He just Love To Eat Them Roguies. 45275 -- The Roguelet's ABC 45276% 45277TACKY: 45278 Serving grape Kool-Aid at religious functions. 45279% 45280Tact consists in knowing how far to go in going too far. 45281 -- Jean Cocteau 45282% 45283Tact in audacity is knowing how far you can go without going too far. 45284 -- Jean Cocteau 45285% 45286Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a 45287hole in his head. 45288% 45289Tact is the art of making a point without making an enemy. 45290% 45291Tact, n.: 45292 The unsaid part of what you're thinking. 45293% 45294Take a lesson from the whale; the only time 45295he gets speared is when he raises to spout. 45296% 45297Take an astronaut to launch. 45298% 45299Take care of the luxuries and the 45300necessities will take care of themselves. 45301 -- L. Long 45302% 45303Take Care of the Molehills, and the Mountains Will Take Care of Themselves. 45304 -- Motto of the Federal Civil Service 45305% 45306Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way. 45307% 45308TAKE FORCEFUL ACTION: 45309 Do something that should have been done a long time ago. 45310% 45311Take heart amid the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting 45312enough cheese. 45313 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 45314% 45315Take it easy, we're in a hurry. 45316% 45317Take me drunk, 45318I'm home again! 45319% 45320Take my word for it, the silliest woman can manage a clever man, but it 45321needs a very clever woman to manage a fool. 45322 -- Kipling 45323% 45324Take the folks at Coca-Cola. For many years, they were content to sit 45325back and make the same old carbonated beverage. It was a good 45326beverage, no question about it; generations of people had grown up 45327drinking it and doing the experiment in sixth grade where you put a 45328nail into a glass of Coke and after a couple of days the nail dissolves 45329and the teacher says: "Imagine what it does to your TEETH!" So 45330Coca-Cola was solidly entrenched in the market, and the management saw 45331no need to improve ... 45332 -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence" 45333% 45334Take time to reflect on all the things you have, not as a result of your 45335merit or hard work or because God or chance or the efforts of other people 45336have given them to you. 45337% 45338Take what you can use and let the rest go by. 45339 -- Ken Kesey 45340% 45341Take your dying with some seriousness, however. Laughing on the way to 45342your execution is not generally understood by less advanced life forms, 45343and they'll call you crazy. 45344 -- "Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul" 45345% 45346Take your Senator to lunch this week. 45347% 45348Take your work seriously but never take yourself seriously; and do not 45349take what happens either to yourself or your work seriously. 45350 -- Booth Tarkington 45351% 45352Taking drugs in the 60's, I tried to reach Nirvana, but all I ever 45353got were re-runs of The Mickey Mouse Club. 45354 -- Rev. Jim 45355% 45356Talent does what it can. 45357Genius does what it must. 45358You do what you get paid to do. 45359% 45360Talk is cheap because supply always exceeds demand. 45361% 45362Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish. 45363 -- Euripides 45364% 45365Talkers are no good doers. 45366 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 45367% 45368Talking about music is like dancing about architecture. 45369 -- Laurie Anderson 45370% 45371Talking much about oneself can also be a means to conceal oneself. 45372 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 45373% 45374Tallulah Bankhead barged down the 45375Nile last night as Cleopatra and sank. 45376 -- John Mason Brown, drama critic 45377% 45378Tan me hide when I'm dead, Fred, 45379Tan me hide when I'm dead. 45380So we tanned his hide when he died, Clyde, 45381It's hanging there on the shed. 45382 45383All together now... 45384 Tie me kangaroo down, sport, 45385 Tie me kangaroo down. 45386 Tie me kangaroo down, sport, 45387 Tie me kangaroo down. 45388% 45389Tart words make no friends; a spoonful of honey 45390will catch more flies than a gallon of vinegar. 45391 -- Benjamin Franklin 45392% 45393TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20) 45394 You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged 45395 determination and work like hell. Most people think you are 45396 stubborn and bull headed. You are a Communist. 45397% 45398TAURUS (Apr. 20 to May 20) 45399 Let your self-confidence and determination shine, and people will 45400 find you boorish and headstrong. Travel, promotion, and romance 45401 highlighted, if you live long enough. Don't take any wooden nickels. 45402% 45403TAURUS (Apr.20 - May 20) 45404 Take advantage of this opportunity to get a little extra sleep, 45405 because you're going to miss the bus again today anyway. You will 45406 decide to lose weight today, just like yesterday. 45407% 45408TAX OFFICE: 45409 Den of inequity. 45410% 45411Tax reform means "Don't tax you, don't tax me, tax that fellow behind 45412the tree." 45413 -- Russell Long 45414% 45415Taxes are going up so fast, the government is likely to price itself 45416out of the market. 45417% 45418Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed. 45419% 45420Taxes, n.: 45421 Of life's two certainties, the only one for which you can get 45422an extension. 45423% 45424TCP/IP Slang Glossary, #1: 45425 45426Gong, n: Medieval term for privvy, or what passed for them in that era. 45427Today used whimsically to describe the aftermath of a bogon attack. Think 45428of our community as the Galapagos of the English language. 45429 45430"Vogons may read you bad poetry, but bogons make you study obsolete RFCs." 45431 -- Dave Mills 45432% 45433Teach children to be polite and courteous in the home, and, 45434when they grow up, they won't be able to edge a car onto a freeway. 45435% 45436Teachers have class. 45437% 45438TEAMWORK: 45439 Having someone to blame. 45440% 45441Teamwork is essential -- it allows you to blame someone else. 45442% 45443Technicality, n.: 45444 In an English court a man named Home was tried for slander in having 45445accused a neighbor of murder. His exact words were: "Sir Thomas Holt hath 45446taken a cleaver and stricken his cook upon the head, so that one side of his 45447head fell on one shoulder and the other side upon the other shoulder." The 45448defendant was acquitted by instruction of the court, the learned judges 45449holding that the words did not charge murder, for they did not affirm the 45450death of the cook, that being only an inference. 45451 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 45452% 45453"Technique?" said the programmer turning from his terminal, "What I follow 45454is Tao -- beyond all technique! When I first began to program I would see 45455before me the whole problem in one mass. After three years I no longer saw 45456this mass. Instead, I used subroutines. But now I see nothing. My whole 45457being exists in a formless void. My senses are idle. My spirit, free to 45458work without plan, follows its own instinct. In short, my program writes 45459itself. True, sometimes there are difficult problems. I see them coming, I 45460slow down, I watch silently. Then I change a single line of code and the 45461difficulties vanish like puffs of idle smoke. I then compile the program. 45462I sit still and let the joy of the work fill my being. I close my eyes for 45463a moment and then log off." 45464% 45465Technological progress has merely provided us with more efficient means 45466for going backwards. 45467 -- Aldous Huxley 45468% 45469Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand. 45470% 45471Tehee quod she, and clapte the wyndow to. 45472 -- Geoffrey Chaucer 45473% 45474Telephone books are like dictionaries -- if you know the answer before 45475you look it up, you can eventually reaffirm what you thought you knew 45476but weren't sure. But if you're searching for something you don't 45477already know, your fingers could walk themselves to death. 45478 -- Erma Bombeck 45479% 45480Telephone, n.: 45481 An invention of the devil which abrogates some of the 45482advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance. 45483 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 45484% 45485Telepression, n.: 45486 The deep-seated guilt which stems from knowing that you did not try 45487 hard enough to look up the number on your own and instead put the 45488 burden on the directory assistant. 45489 -- Rich Hall & Friends, "Sniglets" 45490% 45491Television -- a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well done. 45492 -- Ernie Kovacs 45493% 45494Television -- the longest amateur night in history. 45495 -- Robert Carson 45496% 45497Television has brought back murder into the home -- where it belongs. 45498 -- Alfred Hitchcock 45499% 45500Television has proved that people will look at anything rather than 45501each other. 45502 -- Ann Landers 45503% 45504Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. 45505 -- attributed to both Fred Allen and Ernie Kovacs 45506% 45507Television is now so desperately hungry for material 45508that it is scraping the top of the barrel. 45509 -- Gore Vidal 45510% 45511Television only proves that people will look at anything -- 45512rather than each other. 45513% 45514Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll 45515believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have 45516to touch to be sure. 45517% 45518Tell me, O Octopus, I begs, 45519Is those things arms, or is they legs? 45520I marvel at thee, Octopus; 45521If I were thou, I'd call me us. 45522 -- Ogden Nash 45523% 45524Tell me what to think!!! 45525% 45526Tell me why the stars do shine, 45527Tell me why the ivy twines, 45528Tell me why the sky's so blue, 45529And I will tell you just why I love you. 45530 45531 Nuclear fusion makes stars to shine, 45532 Phototropism makes ivy twine, 45533 Rayleigh scattering makes sky so blue, 45534 Sexual hormones are why I love you. 45535% 45536Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally 45537promoting a falsehood, isn't it? 45538 -- A. Hope 45539% 45540Tempt me with a spoon! 45541% 45542Tempt not a desperate man. 45543 -- William Shakespeare, "Romeo and Juliet" 45544% 45545Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to 45546shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable. 45547 When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his 45548entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a seven 45549showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as a third die slipped out of 45550his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a word. 45551Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket and 45552handed the others to Dutsky. 45553 "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen." 45554% 45555Ten of the meanest cons in the state pen met in the corner of the yard to 45556shoot some craps. The stakes were enormous, the tension palpable. 45557 When his turn came to shoot, Dutsky nervously plunked down his 45558entire wad, shook the dice and rolled. A smile crossed his face as a 45559seven showed up, but it quickly changed to horror as third die slipped out 45560of his sleeve and fell to the ground with the two others. No one said a 45561word. Finally, Killer Lucci picked up the third die, put it in his pocket 45562and handed the others to Dutsky. 45563 "Roll 'em," Lucci said. "Your point is thirteen." 45564% 45565Ten persons who speak make more noise than ten thousand who are silent. 45566 -- Napoleon I 45567% 45568Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop 45569writing. 45570 -- R. Geis 45571% 45572Terence, this is stupid stuff: 45573You eat your victuals fast enough; 45574There can't be much amiss, 'tis clear, 45575To see the rate you drink your beer. 45576But oh, good Lord, the verse you make, 45577It gives a chap the belly-ache. 45578The cow, the old cow, she is dead; 45579It sleeps well the horned head: 45580We poor lads, 'tis our turn now 45581To hear such tunes as killed the cow. 45582Pretty friendship 'tis to rhyme 45583Your friends to death before their time. 45584Moping, melancholy mad: 45585Come, pipe a tune to dance to, lad. 45586 -- A. E. Housman 45587% 45588Term, holidays, term, holidays, till we leave 45589school, and then work, work, work till we die. 45590 -- C. S. Lewis 45591% 45592"Termiter's argument that God is His own grandmother generated a 45593surprising amount of controversy among Church leaders, who on the one 45594hand considered the argument unsupported by scripture but on the other 45595hand were unwilling to risk offending God's grandmother." 45596 -- Len Cool, "American Pie" 45597% 45598Tertullian was born in Carthage somewhere about 160 A.D. He was a 45599pagan, and he abandoned himself to the lascivious life of his city 45600until about his 35th year, when he became a Christian ... To him is 45601ascribed the sublime confession: Credo quia absurdum est (I believe 45602because it is absurd). This does not altogether accord with historical 45603fact, for he merely said: 45604 45605 "And the Son of God died, which is immediately credible because 45606 it is absurd. And buried he rose again, which is certain 45607 because it is impossible." 45608 45609Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of 45610philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it. 45611 -- C. G. Jung, "Psychological Types" 45612 45613 [Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church. Ed.] 45614% 45615Test for paraquat: 45616 Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's 45617 of water, agitating gently for 15 minutes. Strain out leaves, 45618 leaving a brownish-yellow solution. Add 100 mg each of sodium 45619 bicarbonate and sodium dithionite. If paraquat is present, 45620 the solution will turn blue-green. 45621% 45622Testing can show the presence of bugs, but not their absence. 45623 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 45624% 45625Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones. 45626% 45627TEUTONIC: 45628 Not enough gin. 45629% 45630TEX is potentially the most significant invention in typesetting in this 45631century. It introduces a standard language for computer typography, and in 45632terms of importance could rank near the introduction of the Gutenberg press. 45633 -- Gordon Bell 45634% 45635Texas A&M football coach Jackie Sherrill went to the office of the Dean 45636of Academics because he was concerned about his players' mental abilities. 45637"My players are just too stupid for me to deal with them", he told the 45638unbelieving dean. At this point, one of his players happened to enter 45639the dean's office. "Let me show you what I mean", said Sherrill, and he 45640told the player to run over to his office to see if he was in. "OK, Coach", 45641the player replied, and was off. "See what I mean?" Sherrill asked. 45642"Yeah", replied the dean. "He could have just picked up this phone and 45643called you from here." 45644% 45645Texas is Hell on woman and horses. 45646 -- Wayne Oakes 45647% 45648Texas law forbids anyone to have a pair of pliers in his possession. 45649% 45650"Text processing has made it possible to right-justify any idea, even 45651one which cannot be justified on any other grounds." 45652 -- J. Finnegan, USC. 45653% 45654Thank goodness modern convenience is a thing of the remote future. 45655 -- Pogo, by Walt Kelly 45656% 45657Thank you for observing all safety precautions. 45658% 45659That all men should be brothers is the dream of people who have no brothers. 45660 -- Charles Chincholles, "Pensees de tout le monde" 45661% 45662That boy's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver. 45663 -- Foghorn Leghorn 45664% 45665That does not compute. 45666% 45667That feeling just came over me. 45668 -- Albert DeSalvo, the "Boston Strangler" 45669% 45670That government is best which governs least. 45671 -- Henry David Thoreau, "Civil Disobedience" 45672% 45673That is the true season of love, when we believe that we alone can love, 45674that no one could have loved so before us, and that no one will love 45675in the same way as us. 45676 -- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe 45677% 45678That money talks, 45679I'll not deny, 45680I heard it once, 45681It said "Good-bye. 45682 -- Richard Armour 45683% 45684That must be wonderful: I don't understand it at all. 45685 -- Moliere 45686% 45687That secret you've been guarding, isn't. 45688% 45689That segment of the community with which one has the greatest 45690sympathy as a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most 45691narrow-minded and bigoted segments of the community. 45692% 45693That, that is, is. 45694That, that is not, is not. 45695That, that is, is not that, that is not. 45696That, that is not, is not that, that is. 45697% 45698...that the notions of "hardware", and "software" should be extended by 45699the notion of LIVEWARE - being that which produces software for use on 45700hardware. This produces an obvious extension to the concept of MONITORS. 45701A liveware monitor is a person dedicated to the task of ensuring that the 45702liveware does not interfere with the real-time processes, invoking the 45703REAL-TIME EXECUTIONER to delete liveware that adversely affects ... 45704 -- Linden and Wihelminalaan 45705% 45706That which is not good for the swarm, neither is it good for the bee. 45707% 45708That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them. 45709 -- Dorothy Parker 45710% 45711That Xanthippe's husband should have become so great a philosopher is 45712remarkable. Amid all the scolding, to be able to think! But he could not 45713write: that was impossible. Socrates has not left us a single book. 45714 -- Heine 45715% 45716That's always the way when you discover 45717something new; everyone thinks you're crazy. 45718 -- Evelyn E. Smith 45719% 45720That's life. 45721 What's life? 45722A magazine. 45723 How much does it cost? 45724Two-fifty. 45725 I only have a dollar. 45726That's life. 45727% 45728That's life for you, said McDunn. Someone always waiting for someone 45729who never comes home. Always someone loving something more than that 45730thing loves them. And after awhile you want to destroy whatever that 45731thing is, so it can't hurt you no more. 45732 -- Ray Bradbury, "The Fog Horn" 45733% 45734"That's no answer," Job said, "And for someone who's supposed to be 45735omnipotent, let me tell you `tabernacle' has only one l." 45736 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 45737% 45738That's no moon... 45739 -- Obi-wan Kenobi 45740% 45741That's odd. That's very odd. 45742Wouldn't you say that's very odd? 45743% 45744That's one small step for a man; one giant leap for mankind. 45745 -- Neil Armstrong 45746% 45747That's the most fun I've had without laughing. 45748 -- Woody Allen, on sex 45749% 45750That's the thing about people who think they hate computers. What they 45751really hate is lousy programmers. 45752 -- Larry Niven and Jerry Pournelle in "Oath of Fealty" 45753% 45754That's the true harbinger of spring, not crocuses or swallows 45755returning to Capistrano, but the sound of a bat on a ball. 45756 -- Bill Veeck 45757% 45758That's what she said. 45759% 45760That's where the money was. 45761 -- Willie Sutton, on being asked why he robbed a bank 45762 45763It's a rather pleasant experience to be alone in a bank at night. 45764 -- Willie Sutton 45765% 45766The 11 is for people with the pride of a 10 and the pocketbook of an 8. 45767 -- R. B. Greenberg 45768% 45769The 357.73 Theory -- 45770 Auditors always reject expense accounts 45771 with a bottom line divisible by 5. 45772% 45773The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy. 45774% 45775The 'A' is for content, the 'minus' is for not typing it. 45776Don't ever do this to my eyes again. 45777 -- Professor Ronald Brady, Philosophy, Ramapo State College 45778% 45779The Abrams' Principle: 45780 The shortest distance between two points is off the wall. 45781% 45782The absence of labels [in ECL] is probably a good thing. 45783 -- T. Cheatham 45784% 45785The absent ones are always at fault. 45786% 45787The absurd is the essential concept and the first truth. 45788 -- A. Camus 45789% 45790The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power. 45791 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 45792% 45793The adjective is the banana peel of the parts of speech. 45794 -- Clifton Fadiman 45795% 45796The adjuration to be "normal" seems shockingly repellent to me; I see neither 45797hope nor comfort in sinking to that low level. I think it is ignorance that 45798makes people think of abnormality only with horror and allows them to remain 45799undismayed at the proximity of "normal" to average and mediocre. For surely 45800anyone who achieves anything is, essentially, abnormal. 45801 -- Dr. Karl Menninger, "The Human Mind", 1930 45802% 45803The advantage of being celibate is that when one sees a pretty girl one 45804does not need to grieve over having an ugly one back home. 45805 -- Paul Leautaud, "Propos dun jour" 45806% 45807The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper 45808 -- Thomas Jefferson 45809% 45810The Advertising Agency Song: 45811 45812 When your client's hopping mad, 45813 Put his picture in the ad. 45814 If he still should prove refractory, 45815 Add a picture of his factory. 45816% 45817The aim of a joke is not to degrade the human being but to remind him that 45818he is already degraded. 45819 -- George Orwell 45820% 45821The aim of science is to seek the simplest explanations of complex 45822facts. Seek simplicity and distrust it. 45823 -- Whitehead 45824% 45825The alarm clock that is louder than God's own 45826belongs to the roommate with the earliest class. 45827% 45828The algorithm for finding the longest path in a graph is NP-complete. 45829For you systems people, that means it's *real slow*. 45830 -- Bart Miller 45831% 45832"The algorithm to do that is extremely nasty. You might want to mug 45833someone with it." 45834 -- M. Devine, Computer Science 340 45835% 45836The all-softening overpowering knell, 45837The tocsin of the soul, -- the dinner bell. 45838 -- Lord Byron 45839% 45840The Almighty in His infinite wisdom did not see 45841fit to create Frenchmen in the image of Englishmen. 45842 -- Winston Churchill, 1942 45843% 45844The American Dental Association announced today that most plaque tends 45845to form on teeth around 4:00 PM in the afternoon. 45846 45847Film at 11:00. 45848% 45849The American nation in the sixth ward is a fine people; they love the 45850eagle -- on the back of a dollar. 45851 -- Finley Peter Dunne 45852% 45853The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism, 45854call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great 45855opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it. 45856 -- Al Capone 45857% 45858The amount of time between slipping on the peel and landing on the 45859pavement is precisely 1 bananosecond. 45860% 45861The amount of weight an evangelist carries with the almighty is measured 45862in billigrahams. 45863% 45864The Analytical Engine weaves Algebraical patterns 45865just as the Jacquard loom weaves flowers and leaves. 45866 -- Ada Augusta, Countess of Lovelace, the first programmer 45867% 45868The Ancient Doctrine of Mind Over Matter: 45869 I don't mind... and you don't matter. 45870 45871 -- As revealed to reporter G. Rivera by Swami Havabanana 45872% 45873The Angels want to wear my red shoes. 45874 -- E. Costello 45875% 45876The anger of a woman is the greatest evil 45877with which you can threaten your enemies. 45878 -- Bonnard 45879% 45880The Anglo-Saxon conscience does not prevent the Anglo-Saxon from 45881sinning, it merely prevents him from enjoying his sin. 45882 -- Salvador De Madariaga 45883% 45884The angry man always thinks he can do more than he can. 45885 -- Albertano of Brescia 45886% 45887The animals are not as stupid as one thinks -- they have neither 45888doctors nor lawyers. 45889 -- L. Docquier 45890% 45891The annual meeting of the "You Have To Listen To Experience" Club is now in 45892session. Our Achievement Awards this year are in the fields of publishing, 45893advertising and industry. For best consistent contribution in the field of 45894publishing our award goes to editor, R. L. K., [...] for his unrivalled alle- 45895giance without variation to the statement: "Personally I'd love to do it, 45896we'd ALL love to do it. But we're not going to do it. It's not the kind of 45897book our house knows how to handle." Our superior performance award in the 45898field of advertising goes to media executive, E. L. M., [...] for the continu- 45899ally creative use of the old favorite: "I think what you've got here could be 45900very exciting. Why not give it one more try based on the approach I've out- 45901lined and see if you can come up with something fresh." Our final award for 45902courageous holding action in the field of industry goes to supervisor, R. S., 45903[...] for her unyielding grip on "I don't care if they fire me, I've been 45904arguing for a new approach for YEARS but are we SURE that this is the right 45905time--" I would like to conclude this meeting with a verse written specially 45906for our prospectus by our founding president fifty years ago -- and now, as 45907then, fully expressive of the emotion most close to all our hearts -- 45908 Treat freshness as a youthful quirk, 45909 And dare not stray to ideas new, 45910 For if t'were tried they might e'en work 45911 And for a living what woulds't we do? 45912% 45913The answer is that libdialog, the library on which sysinstall depends 45914for these menus, is genuinely evil. It is the unloved, satanic 45915bastard child of multiple parents and torturing users like yourself 45916constitutes the only joy in life it has left. Its source files are 45917all chmod'd 0666 and dire README files warn against trespass by 45918neophyte programmers. It is the 7th gate of Hell. It makes the baby 45919Jesus cry. Were libdialog given anthropomorphic representation, it 45920would be promptly burnt at the stake and its ashes scattered in the 45921desert, to be then doused with holy water from altitude by 45922fire-fighting aircraft. 45923 45924 -- Jordan K. Hubbard on the evils of libdialog 45925% 45926The answer to the question of Life, the Universe, and Everything is... 45927 45928 Four day work week, 45929 Two ply toilet paper! 45930% 45931The answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe, and Everything was 45932released with the kind permission of the Amalgamated Union of Philosophers, 45933Sages, Luminaries, and Other Professional Thinking Persons. 45934% 45935The ark lands after The Flood. Noah lets all the animals out. Says he, "Go 45936and multiply." Several months pass. Noah decides to check up on the animals. 45937All are doing fine except a pair of snakes. "What's the problem?" says Noah. 45938"Cut down some trees and let us live there", say the snakes. Noah follows 45939their advice. Several more weeks pass. Noah checks on the snakes again. 45940Lots of little snakes, everybody is happy. Noah asks, "Want to tell me how 45941the trees helped?" "Certainly", say the snakes. "We're adders, and we need 45942logs to multiply." 45943% 45944The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas 45945River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little 45946Rock. 45947% 45948The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will 45949never be plumbed and why it will go on forever. All weapons are defensive 45950and all spare parts are non-lethal. The plainest print cannot be read 45951through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle. 45952 -- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer 45953% 45954The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion. 45955Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed 45956and color, but also on ability. 45957 -- T. Lehrer 45958% 45959The Army needs leaders the way a foot needs a big toe. 45960 -- Bill Murray 45961% 45962The assertion that "all men are created equal" was of no practical use 45963in effecting our separation from Great Britain and it was placed in the 45964Declaration not for that, but for future use. 45965 -- Abraham Lincoln 45966% 45967The astronomer Francesco Sizi, a contemporary of Galileo, argues that 45968Jupiter can have no satellites: 45969 45970 There are seven windows in the head, two nostrils, two ears, two 45971eyes, and a mouth; so in the heavens there are two favorable stars, two 45972unpropitious, two luminaries, and Mercury alone undecided and indifferent. 45973From which and many other similar phenomena of nature such as the seven 45974metals, etc., which it were tedious to enumerate, we gather that the number 45975of planets is necessarily seven. [...] 45976 Moreover, the satellites are invisible to the naked eye and 45977therefore can have no influence on the earth and therefore would be useless 45978and therefore do not exist. 45979% 45980The attacker must vanquish; the defender need only survive. 45981% 45982The average girl would rather have beauty than brains because she 45983knows that the average man can see much better than he can think. 45984 -- Ladies' Home Journal 45985% 45986The average, healthy, well-adjusted adult gets up at seven-thirty in 45987the morning feeling just terrible. 45988 -- Jean Kerr 45989% 45990The average income of the modern teenager is about 2 a.m. 45991% 45992The average individual's position in any hierarchy is a lot like pulling 45993a dogsled -- there's no real change of scenery except for the lead dog. 45994% 45995The average nutritional value of promises is roughly zero. 45996% 45997The average Ph.D thesis is nothing but the transference of bones from 45998one graveyard to another. 45999 -- J. Frank Dobie, "A Texan in England" 46000% 46001The average woman must inevitably view her actual husband with a certain 46002disdain; he is anything but her ideal. In consequence, she cannot help 46003feeling that her children are cruelly handicapped by the fact that he is 46004their father. 46005 -- H. L. Mencken 46006% 46007The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the 46008average man can see better than he can think. 46009% 46010The avocation of assessing the failures of better men can be turned 46011into a comfortable livelihood, providing you back it up with a Ph.D. 46012 -- Nelson Algren, "Writers at Work" 46013% 46014The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that 46015carries any reward. 46016 -- John Maynard Keynes 46017% 46018"The bad reputation UNIX has gotten is totally undeserved, laid on by 46019people who don't understand, who have not gotten in there and tried 46020anything." 46021 -- Jim Joyce, owner of Jim Joyce's UNIX Bookstore 46022% 46023The bank called to tell me that I'm overdrawn, 46024Some freaks are burning crosses out on my front lawn, 46025And I *can't*believe* it, all the Cheetos are gone, 46026 It's just ONE OF THOSE DAYS! 46027 -- Weird Al Yankovic, "One of Those Days" 46028% 46029The bank sent our statement this morning, 46030The red ink was a sight of great awe! 46031Their figures and mine might have balanced, 46032But my wife was too quick on the draw. 46033% 46034The basic idea behind malls is that they are more convenient than 46035cities. Cities contain streets, which are dangerous and crowded and 46036difficult to park in. Malls, on the other hand, have parking lots, 46037which are also dangerous and crowded and difficult to park in, but -- 46038here is the big difference -- in mall parking lots, THERE ARE NO 46039RULES. You're allowed to do anything. You can drive as fast as you 46040want in any direction you want. I was once driving in a mall parking 46041lot when my car was struck by a pickup truck being driven backward by a 46042squat man with a tattoo that said "Charlie" on his forearm, who got out 46043and explained to me, in great detail, why the accident was my fault, 46044his reasoning being that he was violent and muscular, whereas I was 46045neither. This kind of reasoning is legally valid in mall parking 46046lots. 46047 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 46048% 46049The basic menu item, in fact the ONLY menu item, would be a food unit 46050called the "patty," consisting of -- this would be guaranteed in 46051writing -- "100 percent animal matter of some kind." All patties would 46052be heated up and then cooled back down in electronic devices 46053immediately before serving. The Breakfast Patty would be a patty on a 46054bun with lettuce, tomato, onion, egg, Ba-Ko-Bits, Cheez Whiz, a Special 46055Sauce made by pouring ketchup out of a bottle and a little slip of 46056paper stating: "Inspected by Number 12". The Lunch or Dinner Patty 46057would be any Breakfast Patties that didn't get sold in the morning. 46058The Seafood Lover's Patty would be any patties that were starting to 46059emit a serious aroma. Patties that were too rank even to be Seafood 46060Lover's Patties would be compressed into wads and sold as "Nuggets." 46061 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" 46062% 46063The bay-trees in our country are all wither'd 46064And meteors fright the fixed stars of heaven; 46065The pale-faced moon looks bloody on the earth 46066And lean-look'd prophets whisper fearful change. 46067These signs forerun the death or fall of kings. 46068 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" 46069% 46070THE BEATLES: 46071 Paul McCartney's old back-up band. 46072% 46073The beauty of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder. 46074% 46075The beer-cooled computer does not harm the ozone layer. 46076 -- John M. Ford, a.k.a. Dr. Mike 46077 46078 [If I can read my notes from the Ask Dr. Mike session at Baycon, I 46079 believe he added that the beer-cooled computer uses "Forget Only 46080 Memory". Ed.] 46081% 46082The best audience is intelligent, well-educated and a little drunk. 46083 -- Maurice Baring 46084% 46085The best book on programming for the layman is "Alice in Wonderland"; 46086but that's because it's the best book on anything for the layman. 46087% 46088The best case: Get salary from America, build a house in England, 46089 live with a Japanese wife, and eat Chinese food. 46090Pretty good case: Get salary from England, build a house in America, 46091 live with a Chinese wife, and eat Japanese food. 46092The worst case: Get salary from China, build a house in Japan, 46093 live with a British wife, and eat American food. 46094 -- Bungei Shunju, a popular Japanese magazine 46095% 46096The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. 46097 -- W. C. Fields 46098% 46099The best defense against logic is ignorance. 46100% 46101The best definition of a gentleman is a man who can play the accordion -- 46102but doesn't. 46103 -- Tom Crichton 46104% 46105The best diplomat I know is a fully activated phaser bank. 46106 -- Scotty 46107% 46108The best equipment for your work is, of course, the most expensive. 46109However, your neighbor is always wasting money that should be yours 46110by judging things by their price. 46111% 46112The best executive is one who has sense enough to pick good people to do 46113what he wants done, and self-restraint enough to keep from meddling with 46114them while they do it. 46115 -- Theodore Roosevelt 46116% 46117The best laid plans of mice and men are held up in the legal department. 46118% 46119The best laid plans of mice and men are usually about equal. 46120 -- Blair 46121% 46122The best man for the job is often a woman. 46123% 46124The best number for a dinner party is two -- myself and a damn good 46125head waiter. 46126 -- Nubar Gulbenkian 46127% 46128The best portion of a good man's life, his little, 46129nameless, unremembered acts of kindness and love. 46130 -- Wordsworth 46131% 46132The best prophet of the future is the past. 46133% 46134The best rebuttal to this kind of statistical argument came from the 46135redoubtable John W. Campbell: 46136 46137 The laws of population growth tell us that approximately half the 46138 people who were ever born in the history of the world are now 46139 dead. There is therefore a 0.5 probability that this message is 46140 being read by a corpse. 46141% 46142The best that we can do is to be kindly and helpful toward our friends and 46143fellow passengers who are clinging to the same speck of dirt while we are 46144drifting side by side to our common doom. 46145 -- Clarence Darrow 46146% 46147The best thing about being bald is, that, when unexpected 46148company arrives, all you have to do is straighten your tie. 46149% 46150The best thing about growing older is that it takes such a long time. 46151% 46152"The best thing for being sad," replied Merlin, beginning to puff and 46153blow, "is to learn something. That's the only thing that never fails. 46154You may grow old and trembling in your anatomies, you may lie awake at 46155night listening to the disorder of your veins, you may miss your only 46156love, you may see the world about you devastated by evil lunatics, or 46157know your honour trampled in the sewers of baser minds. There is only 46158one thing for it then -- to learn. Learn why the world wags and what 46159wags it. That is the only thing which the mind can never exhaust, 46160never alienate, never be tortured by, never fear or distrust, and never 46161dream of regretting. Learning is the only thing for you. Look what a 46162lot of things there are to learn." 46163 -- T. H. White, "The Once and Future King" 46164% 46165The best thing that comes out of Iowa is I-80. 46166% 46167The best things in life are for a fee. 46168% 46169The best things in life go on sale sooner or later. 46170% 46171The best way to accelerate a Macintoy is at 9.8 meters per second, squared. 46172% 46173The best way to avoid responsibility is to say, "I've got responsibilities." 46174% 46175The best way to get rid of worries is to let them die of neglect. 46176% 46177The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away. 46178% 46179The best way to make a fire with two sticks is to make sure one of them 46180is a match. 46181 -- Will Rogers 46182% 46183The best way to preserve a right is to exercise it, and the right to 46184smoke is a right worth dying for. 46185% 46186The best ways are the most straightforward ways. When you're sitting around 46187scamming these things out, all kinds of James Bondian ideas come forth, but 46188when it gets down to the reality of it, the simplest and most straightforward 46189way is usually the best, and the way that attracts the least attention. 46190Also, pouring gasoline on the water and lighting it like James Bond doesn't 46191work either.... They tried it during Prohibition. 46192 -- Thomas King Forcade, marijuana smuggler 46193% 46194The best you get is an even break. 46195 -- Franklin Adams 46196% 46197The better part of valor is discretion. 46198 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 46199% 46200The better the state is established, the fainter is humanity. 46201To make the individual uncomfortable, that is my task. 46202 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 46203% 46204The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments 46205to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. 46206It's just that they need more supervision. 46207% 46208The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could 46209never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma. 46210 -- Abraham Lincoln 46211% 46212The Bible on letters of reference: 46213 46214 Are we beginning all over again to produce our credentials? Do 46215we, like some people, need letters of introduction to you, or from you? 46216No, you are all the letter we need, a letter written on your heart; any 46217man can see it for what it is and read it for himself. 46218 -- 2 Corinthians 3:1-2, New English translation 46219% 46220The big cities of America are becoming Third World countries. 46221 -- Nora Ephron 46222% 46223The big mistake that men make is that when they turn thirteen or fourteen 46224and all of a sudden they've reached puberty, they believe that they like 46225women. Actually, you're just horny. It doesn't mean you like women any 46226more at twenty-one than you did at ten. 46227 -- Jules Feiffer 46228% 46229The big question is why in the course of evolution the males permitted 46230themselves to be so totally eclipsed by the females. Why do they tolerate 46231this total subservience, this wretched existence as outcasts who are 46232hungry all the time? 46233% 46234The bigger the theory the better. 46235% 46236The bigger they are, the harder they hit. 46237% 46238The biggest difference between time and space is that you can't reuse 46239time. 46240 -- Merrick Furst 46241% 46242The biggest mistake you can make is to believe that you are 46243working for someone else. 46244% 46245The biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has 46246occurred. 46247% 46248The Bird of Time has but a little way to fly ... 46249and the bird is on the wing. 46250 -- Omar Khayyam 46251% 46252The birds are singing, the flowers are budding, and it is time for Miss 46253Manners to tell young lovers to stop necking in public. 46254 46255It's not that Miss Manners is immune to romance. Miss Manners has been 46256known to squeeze a gentleman's arm while being helped over a curb, and, 46257in her wild youth, even to press a dainty slipper against a foot or two 46258under the dinner table. Miss Manners also believes that the sight of 46259people strolling hand in hand or arm in arm or arm in hand dresses up a 46260city considerably more than the more familiar sight of people shaking 46261umbrellas at one another. What Miss Manners objects to is the kind of 46262activity that frightens the horses on the street ... 46263% 46264The black bear used to be one of the most commonly seen large animals 46265because in Yosemite and Sequoia national parks they lived off of garbage 46266and tourist handouts. This bear has learned to open car doors in 46267Yosemite, where damage to automobiles caused by bears runs into the tens 46268of thousands of dollars a year. Campaigns to bearproof all garbage 46269containers in wild areas have been difficult, because as one biologist 46270put it, "There is a considerable overlap between the intelligence levels 46271of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists." 46272% 46273"The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch." 46274% 46275The bogosity meter just pegged. 46276% 46277The bold youth of today is very lonely. 46278 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 46279% 46280The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives. 46281 -- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project 46282% 46283The bone-chilling scream split the warm summer night in two, the first 46284half being before the scream when it was fairly balmy and calm and 46285pleasant, the second half still balmy and quite pleasant for those who 46286hadn't heard the scream at all, but not calm or balmy or even very nice 46287for those who did hear the scream, discounting the little period of time 46288during the actual scream itself when your ears might have been hearing it 46289but your brain wasn't reacting yet to let you know. 46290 -- Winning sentence, 1986 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest 46291% 46292The boy stood on the burning deck, 46293Eating peanuts by the peck. 46294His father called him, but he could not go, 46295For he loved those peanuts so. 46296% 46297The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment 46298you get up in the morning, and does not stop until you get to work. 46299% 46300The Briggs/Chase Law of Program Development: 46301 To determine how long it will take to write and debug a 46302program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add one, and 46303convert to the next higher units. 46304% 46305The British are coming! The British are coming! 46306% 46307The brotherhood of man is not a mere poet's dream; it is a most depressing 46308and humiliating reality. 46309 -- Oscar Wilde 46310% 46311The Buddha, the Godhead, resides quite as comfortably in the circuits of a 46312digital computer or the gears of a cycle transmission as he does at the top 46313of a mountain or in the petals of a flower. To think otherwise is to demean 46314the Buddha -- which is to demean oneself. 46315 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 46316% 46317The buffalo isn't as dangerous as everyone makes him out to be. 46318Statistics prove that in the United States more Americans are killed in 46319automobile accidents than are killed by buffalo. 46320 -- Art Buchwald 46321% 46322The bugs you have to avoid are the ones that give the user not only 46323the inclination to get on a plane, but also the time. 46324 -- Kay Bostic 46325% 46326The Bulwer-Lytton fiction contest is held ever year at San Jose State 46327Univ. by Professor Scott Rice. It is held in memory of Edward George 46328Earle Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873), a rather prolific and popular (in his 46329time) novelist. He is best known today for having written "The Last 46330Days of Pompeii." 46331 46332Whenever Snoopy starts typing his novel from the top of his doghouse, 46333beginning "It was a dark and stormy night..." he is borrowing from Lord 46334Bulwer-Lytton. This was the line that opened his novel, "Paul Clifford," 46335written in 1830. The full line reveals why it is so bad: 46336 46337 It was a dark and stormy night; the rain fell in torrents -- except 46338 at occasional intervals, when it was checked by a violent gust of 46339 wind which swept up the streets (for it is in London that our scene 46340 lies), rattling along the housetops, and fiercely agitating the scanty 46341 flame of the lamps that struggled against the darkness. 46342% 46343The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding 46344bureaucracy. 46345% 46346"The C Programming Language -- A language which combines the 46347flexibility of assembly language with the power of assembly language." 46348% 46349The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better 46350people, and don't come in clearly enough. 46351 -- Bill Maher 46352% 46353The camel died quite suddenly on the second day, and Selena fretted 46354sullenly and, buffing her already impeccable nails -- not for the first 46355time since the journey began -- pondered snidely if this would dissolve 46356into a vignette of minor inconveniences like all the other holidays spent 46357with Basil. 46358 -- Winning sentence, 1983 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest 46359% 46360The camel has a single hump; 46361The dromedary two; 46362Or else the other way around. 46363I'm never sure. Are you? 46364 -- Ogden Nash 46365% 46366The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly 46367greater than that of any other animals. Some of their most esteemed 46368inventions have no other apparent purpose, for example, the dinner 46369party of more than two, the epic poem, and the science of metaphysics. 46370 -- H. L. Mencken 46371% 46372The carbonyl is polarized, 46373The delta end is plus. 46374The nucleophile will thus attack, 46375The carbon nucleus. 46376Addition makes an alcohol, 46377Of types there are but three. 46378It makes a bond, to correspond, 46379From C to shining C. 46380 -- Prof. Frank Westheimer, to "America the Beautiful" 46381% 46382The cart has no place where a fifth wheel could be used. 46383 -- Herbert von Fritzlar 46384% 46385The Celts invented two things, Whiskey and self-destruction. 46386% 46387The chain which can be yanked is not the eternal chain. 46388 -- G. Fitch 46389% 46390The chains of marriage are so heavy that it takes two to carry them, and 46391sometimes three. 46392 -- Alexandre Dumas 46393% 46394The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up 46395at the steam fitters' picnic. 46396% 46397The chief cause of problems is solutions. 46398 -- Eric Sevareid 46399% 46400The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions. 46401 -- Alfred Adler 46402% 46403The chief enemy of creativity is "good" sense. 46404 -- Picasso 46405% 46406The church is near but the road is icy; the bar is far away but I will 46407walk carefully. 46408 -- Russian Proverb 46409% 46410The church saves sinners, but science seeks to stop their manufacture. 46411 -- Elbert Hubbard 46412% 46413The City of Palo Alto, in its official description of parking lot standards, 46414specifies the grade of wheelchair access ramps in terms of centimeters of 46415rise per foot of run. A compromise, I imagine... 46416% 46417The clash of ideas is the sound of freedom. 46418% 46419The clearest way into the Universe is through a forest wilderness. 46420 -- John Muir 46421% 46422The clergy successfully preached the doctrines of patience and pusillanimity; 46423the active virtues of society were discouraged; and the last remains of a 46424military spirit were buried in the cloister: a large portion of public and 46425private wealth was consecrated to the specious demands of charity and devotion; 46426and the soldiers' pay was lavished on the useless multitudes of both sexes 46427who could only plead the merits of abstinence and chastity. 46428 -- Edward Gibbons, "The Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire" 46429% 46430"The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live 46431elsewhere." 46432% 46433The closest to perfection a person ever comes 46434is when he fills out a job application form. 46435 -- Stanley J. Randall 46436% 46437The clothes have no emperor. 46438 -- C. A. R. Hoare, commenting on ADA 46439% 46440The coast was clear. 46441 -- Lope de Vega 46442% 46443The college graduate is presented with a sheepskin to cover his 46444intellectual nakedness. 46445 -- Robert M. Hutchins 46446% 46447The Commandments of the EE: 46448 464491: Beware of lightning that lurketh in an uncharged condenser 46450 lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most 46451 embarrassing manner. 464522: Cause thou the switch that supplieth large quantities of juice to 46453 be opened and thusly tagged, that thy days may be long in this 46454 earthly vale of tears. 464553: Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth, and upon 46456 which the worketh, are grounded and thusly tagged lest they lift 46457 thee to a radio frequency potential and causeth thee to make like 46458 a radiator too. 464594: Tarry thou not amongst these fools that engage in intentional 46460 shocks for they are not long for this world and are surely 46461 unbelievers. 46462% 46463The Commandments of the EE: 46464 464655: Take care that thou useth the proper method when thou takest the 46466 measures of high-voltage circuits too, that thou dost not incinerate 46467 both thee and thy test meter, for verily, though thou has no company 46468 property number and can be easily surveyed, the test meter has 46469 one and, as a consequence, bringeth much woe unto a purchasing agent. 464706: Take care that thou tamperest not with interlocks and safety devices, 46471 for this incurreth the wrath of the chief electrician and bring 46472 the fury of the engineers on his head. 464737: Work thou not on energized equipment for if thou doest so, thy 46474 friends will surely be buying beers for thy widow and consoling 46475 her in certain ways not generally acceptable to thee. 464768: Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service equipment alone, 46477 for electrical cooking is a slow process and thou might sizzle in 46478 thy own fat upon a hot circuit for hours on end before thy maker 46479 sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into his fold. 46480% 46481The Commandments of the EE: 46482 464839: Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou 46484 commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug, and thy wife be 46485 frustrated and have not further use for thee except for thy wages. 4648610: Commit thou to memory all the words of the prophets which are 46487 written down in thy Bible which is the National Electrical Code, 46488 and giveth out with the straight dope and consoleth thee when 46489 thou hast suffered a ream job by the chief electrician. 4649011: When thou muckest about with a device in an unthinking and/or 46491 unknowing manner, thou shalt keep one hand in thy pocket. Better 46492 that thou shouldest keep both hands in thy pockets than 46493 experimentally determine the electrical potential of an 46494 innocent-seeming device. 46495% 46496The common cormorant, or shag, lays eggs inside a paper bag. 46497% 46498The computer industry is journalists in their 20's standing in awe of 46499entrepreneurs in their 30's who are hiring salesmen in their 40's and 4650050's and paying them in the 60's and 70's to bring their marketing into 46501the 80's. 46502 -- Marty Winston 46503% 46504The computer is to the information industry roughly what the 46505central power station is to the electrical industry. 46506 -- Peter Drucker 46507% 46508"The Computer made me do it." 46509% 46510The computing field is always in need of new cliches. 46511 -- Alan Perlis 46512% 46513The concept seems to be clear by now. It has been 46514defined several times by examples of what it is not. 46515% 46516The confusion of a staff member is measured by the length of his 46517memos. 46518 -- New York Times, Jan. 20, 1981 46519% 46520The connection between the language in which we think/program and the problems 46521and solutions we can imagine is very close. For this reason restricting 46522language features with the intent of eliminating programmer errors is at best 46523dangerous. 46524 -- Bjarne Stroustrup 46525% 46526The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other 46527subversives. We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up 46528every bird watcher in the country. 46529 -- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972 46530% 46531The Constitution may not be perfect, but it's a lot better 46532than what we've got! 46533% 46534The Consultant's Curse: 46535 When the customer has beaten upon you long enough, give him 46536what he asks for, instead of what he needs. This is very strong 46537medicine, and is normally only required once. 46538% 46539The control of the production of wealth 46540is the control of human life itself. 46541 -- Hilaire Belloc 46542% 46543The correct way to punctuate a sentence that starts: "Of course it is 46544none of my business, but --" is to place a period after the word "but." 46545Don't use excessive force in supplying such a moron with a period. 46546Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is bound to get you 46547talked about. 46548 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 46549% 46550The cost of feathers has risen, even down is up! 46551% 46552The cost of living has just gone up another dollar a quart. 46553 -- W. C. Fields 46554% 46555The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity. 46556% 46557The cost of living is going up, and the chance of living is going down. 46558% 46559The countdown had stalled at "T" minus 69 seconds when Desiree, the first 46560female ape to go up in space, winked at me slyly and pouted her thick, 46561rubbery lips unmistakably -- the first of many such advances during what 46562would prove to be the longest, and most memorable, space voyage of my 46563career. 46564 -- Winning sentence, 1985 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest 46565% 46566The course of true anything never does run smooth. 46567 -- Samuel Butler 46568% 46569The courtroom was pregnant (pun intended) with anxious silence as the 46570judge solemnly considered his verdict in the paternity suit before him. 46571Suddenly, he reached into the folds of his robes, drew out a cigar and 46572ceremoniously handed it to the defendant. 46573 "Congratulations!" declaimed the jurist. "You have just become a 46574father!" 46575% 46576The covers of this book are too far apart. 46577 -- Ambrose Bierce, reviewing a book 46578% 46579The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to 46580eat. 46581 -- John McNulty 46582% 46583The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas 46584Instruments. 46585 -- Credits from the PBS program "The Creation of the Universe" 46586% 46587The Crown is full of it! 46588 -- Nate Harris, 1775 46589% 46590The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should 46591therefore be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could 46592hardly be propagated. If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to 46593declare war and they are screened at once from scrutiny ... In war, 46594then, as in peace, assert the freedom of speech and of the press. 46595Cling to this as the bulwark of all our rights and privileges. 46596 -- William Ellery Channing 46597% 46598The curse of the Irish is not that they don't know the 46599words to a song -- it's that they know them *all*. 46600 -- Susan Dooley 46601% 46602The "cutting edge" is getting rather dull. 46603 -- Andy Purshottam 46604% 46605The Czechs announced after Sputnik that they, too, would launch 46606a satellite. Of course, it would orbit Sputnik, not Earth! 46607% 46608The danger is not that a particular class is unfit to govern. 46609Every class is unfit to govern. 46610 -- Lord Acton 46611% 46612The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of 46613plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely.... 46614Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not 46615be permitted... In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides 46616agree to ban the popular but dangerous "Simon Says" training drill at 46617nuclear launch sites... Under no circumstances will either side reveal 46618that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine 46619years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem. 46620 -- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks 46621% 46622The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning, 46623and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished. 46624 -- Henry David Thoreau 46625% 46626The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life. 46627% 46628The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being 46629as his Father, in the womb of a virgin will be classified with the fable of 46630the generation of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter. But we may hope that the 46631dawn of reason and freedom of thought in these United States will do away with 46632this artificial scaffolding and restore to us the primitive and genuine 46633doctrines of this most venerated Reformer of human errors. 46634 -- Thomas Jefferson 46635% 46636The days are all empty and the nights are unreal. 46637% 46638The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction 46639to a tedious book. 46640% 46641The day-to-day travails of the IBM programmer are so amusing to most of 46642us who are fortunate enough never to have been one -- like watching 46643Charlie Chaplin trying to cook a shoe. 46644% 46645The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary? 46646% 46647"The deceased was killed by 1207.3557298 Volts AC RMS applied by 46648accident when he brushed against the output terminal of a John B. 46649Fluke Company High Voltage Calibrator." 46650 -- fictitious coroner's report by Mike Andrews 46651% 46652The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous. 46653% 46654The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the 46655Hebrew phrase "ha-Bracha dab'ra" which means "pronounce the blessing". 46656% 46657The degree of civilization in a society 46658can be judged by entering its prisons. 46659 -- F. Dostoyevski 46660% 46661The degree of technical confidence is inversely 46662proportional to the level of management. 46663% 46664The denunciation of the young is a necessary part of the hygiene of older 46665people, and greatly assists in the circulation of the blood. 46666 -- Logan Pearsall Smith 46667% 46668The departing division general manager met a last time with his young 46669successor and gave him three envelopes. "My predecessor did this for me, 46670and I'll pass the tradition along to you," he said. "At the first sign 46671of trouble, open the first envelope. Any further difficulties, open the 46672second envelope. Then, if problems continue, open the third envelope. 46673Good luck." The new manager returned to his office and tossed the envelopes 46674into a drawer. 46675 Six months later, costs soared and earnings plummeted. Shaken, the 46676young man opened the first envelope, which said, "Blame it all on me." 46677 The next day, he held a press conference and did just that. The 46678crisis passed. 46679 Six months later, sales dropped precipitously. The beleaguered 46680manager opened the second envelope. It said, "Reorganize." 46681 He held another press conference, announcing that the division 46682would be restructured. The crisis passed. 46683 A year later, everything went wrong at once and the manager was 46684blamed for all of it. The harried executive closed his office door, sank 46685into his chair, and opened the third envelope. 46686 "Prepare three envelopes..." it said. 46687% 46688The descent to Hades is the same from every place. 46689 -- Anaxagoras 46690% 46691The devil can cite Scripture for his purpose. 46692 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 46693% 46694The devil finds work for idle circuits to do. 46695% 46696The devil finds work for idle glands. 46697% 46698The die is cast. 46699 -- Gaius Julius Caesar 46700% 46701The difference between a career and a job is about 20 hours a week. 46702% 46703The difference between a good haircut and a bad one is seven days. 46704% 46705The difference between a Miracle and a Fact is 46706exactly the difference between a mermaid and a seal. 46707 -- Mark Twain 46708% 46709"The difference between a misfortune and a calamity? If Gladstone fell 46710into the Thames, it would be a misfortune. But if someone dragged him 46711out again, it would be a calamity." 46712 -- Benjamin Disraeli 46713% 46714The difference between America and England is, the English think 100 46715miles is a long distance and the Americans think 100 years is a long time. 46716% 46717The difference between art and science is that science is what we 46718understand well enough to explain to a computer. Art is everything else. 46719 -- Donald E. Knuth, "Discover" 46720% 46721The difference between common-sense and paranoia is that common-sense is 46722thinking everyone is out to get you. That's normal -- they are. Paranoia 46723is thinking that they're conspiring. 46724 -- J. Kegler 46725% 46726The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're 46727called. Cats take a message and get back to you. 46728% 46729The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. 46730% 46731The difference between legal separation and divorce is 46732that legal separation gives the man time to hide his money. 46733% 46734The difference between reality and unreality 46735is that reality has so little to recommend it. 46736 -- Allan Sherman 46737% 46738The difference between science and the fuzzy subjects is that science 46739requires reasoning while those other subjects merely require scholarship. 46740 -- Robert A. Heinlein 46741% 46742The difference between sentiment and being sentimental is the following: 46743Sentiment is when a driver swerves out of the way to avoid hitting a 46744rabbit on the road. Being sentimental is when the same driver, when 46745swerving away from the rabbit hits a pedestrian. 46746 -- Frank Herbert, "The White Plague" 46747% 46748The difference between sentiment and sentimentality is easy to see. When 46749you avoid killing somebody's pet on the glazeway, that's sentiment. If you 46750swerve to avoid the pet and that causes you to kill pedestrians, THAT is 46751sentimentality. 46752 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune" 46753% 46754The difference between the right word and the almost right word 46755is the difference between lightning and the lightning bug. 46756 -- Mark Twain 46757% 46758The difference between this place and yogurt 46759is that yogurt has a live culture. 46760% 46761The difference between us is not very far, 46762cruising for burgers in daddy's new car. 46763% 46764The difference between waltzes and disco is mostly one of volume. 46765 -- T. K. 46766% 46767The difficult we do today; the impossible takes a little longer. 46768% 46769The dirty work at political conventions is almost always done in 46770the grim hours between midnight and dawn. Hangmen and politicians 46771work best when the human spirit is at its lowest ebb. 46772 -- Russell Baker 46773% 46774The discerning person is always at a disadvantage. 46775% 46776The disks are getting full; purge a file today. 46777% 46778The distinction between Freedom and Liberty is not accurately known; 46779naturalists have been unable to find a living specimen of either. 46780 -- Ambrose Bierce 46781% 46782The distinction between Jewish and goyish can be quite subtle, as the 46783following quote from Lenny Bruce illustrates: 46784 46785 "I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. 46786Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is 46787Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous. 46788 "Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish. 46789Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. 46790Instant potatoes -- goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. 46791Macaroons are ____very Jewish. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is 46792goyish. Lime soda is ____very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that 46793Jews won't go near them ..." 46794 -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" 46795% 46796The distinction between true and false appears to become 46797increasingly blurred by... the pollution of the language. 46798 -- Arne Tiselius 46799% 46800The District of Columbia has a law forbidding you to exert pressure on 46801a balloon and thereby cause a whistling sound on the streets. 46802% 46803The divinity of Jesus is made a convenient cover for absurdity. Nowhere in 46804the Gospels do we find a precept for Creeds, Confessions, Oaths, Doctrines, 46805and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity. 46806 -- John Adams 46807% 46808The doctrine of human equality reposes on this: that there is no man 46809really clever who has not found that he is stupid. 46810 -- Gilbert K. Chesterson 46811% 46812The door is the key. 46813% 46814The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show 46815off this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his 46816next hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the 46817duck fell, the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the 46818duck and returned it to his master. 46819 "Notice anything?" the owner asked eagerly. 46820 "Yes," said his friend, "I see that fool dog of yours can't 46821swim." 46822% 46823The duration of passion is proportionate with the original resistance 46824of the woman. 46825 -- Honore de Balzac 46826% 46827The eagle may soar, but the weasel never gets sucked into a jet engine. 46828% 46829The early bird gets the coffee left over from the night before. 46830% 46831The early bird who catches the worm works for someone who comes in late 46832and owns the worm farm. 46833 -- Travis McGee 46834% 46835The early worm gets the bird. 46836% 46837The early worm gets the late bird. 46838% 46839The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. 46840% 46841The easiest way to figure the cost of living is to take your income and 46842add ten percent. 46843% 46844The easy confidence with which I know another man's religion is folly 46845teaches me to suspect that my own is also. 46846 46847I would not interfere with any one's religion, either to strengthen it 46848or to weaken it. I am not able to believe one's religion can affect his 46849hereafter one way or the other, no matter what that religion may be. 46850But it may easily be a great comfort to him in this life -- hence it is a 46851valuable possession to him. 46852 46853I do not see how eternal punishment hereafter could accomplish any good 46854end, therefore I am not able to believe in it. To chasten a man in order 46855to perfect him might be reasonable enough; to annihilate him when he shall 46856have proved himself incapable of reaching perfection might be reasonable 46857enough; but to roast him forever for the mere satisfaction of seeing him 46858roast would not be reasonable -- even the atrocious God imagined by the Jews 46859would tire of the spectacle eventually. 46860 -- Mark Twain 46861% 46862The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on 46863weather forecasters. 46864 -- Jean-Paul Kauffmann 46865% 46866The egg cream is psychologically the opposite of circumcision -- it 46867*pleasurably* reaffirms your Jewishness. 46868 -- Mel Brooks 46869% 46870The elder gods went to Yuggoth, and all you got was this lousy fortune. 46871% 46872"The eleventh commandment was `Thou Shalt Compute' or `Thou Shalt Not 46873Compute' -- I forget which." 46874 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 46875% 46876The Encyclopaedia Galactica defines a robot as a mechanical apparatus designed 46877to do the work of a man. The marketing division of Sirius Cybernetics 46878Corporation defines a robot as "Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With". 46879The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy defines the marketing division of the 46880Sirius Cybernetics Corporation as "a bunch of mindless jerks who'll be the 46881first against the wall when the revolution comes", with a footnote to effect 46882that the editors would welcome applications from anyone interested in taking 46883over the post of robotics correspondent. 46884 Curiously enough, an edition of the Encyclopaedia Galactica that 46885had the good fortune to fall through a time warp from a thousand years in 46886the future defined the marketing division of the Sirius Cybernetics 46887Corporation as "a bunch of mindless jerks who were the first against the 46888wall when the revolution came". 46889% 46890The end move in politics is always to pick up a gun. 46891 -- Buckminster Fuller 46892% 46893The end of labor is to gain leisure. 46894% 46895The end of the human race will be that it will eventually die of 46896civilization. 46897 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 46898% 46899The end of the world will occur at 3:00 p.m., this Friday, with 46900symposium to follow. 46901% 46902The ends justify the means. 46903 -- after Matthew Prior 46904% 46905The energy produced by the breaking down of the atom is a very poor kind 46906of thing. Anyone who expects a source of power from the transformation 46907of these atoms is talking moonshine. 46908 -- Ernest Rutherford, after he had split the atom for 46909 the first time 46910% 46911The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable 46912in full pursuit of the uneatable. 46913 -- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance" 46914% 46915The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach 46916their children to speak it. 46917 -- George Bernard Shaw 46918% 46919The English instinctively admire any man 46920who has no talent and is modest about it. 46921 -- James Agate, British film and drama critic 46922% 46923The entire work force of the Communist countries is subjected to periodic 46924purges (called verifications in Newspeak). One of the most severe took 46925place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year 46926before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from 46927all but insignificant positions. Any one of the following would often 46928result in the loss of one's job: Bourgeois or Jewish family background, 46929relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a 46930Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others. 46931 46932 A man is interviewed by a "Verification Committee." 46933 "What kind of family do you come from?" 46934 "A rich, Jewish family." 46935 "And your wife?" 46936 "A German aristocrat." 46937 "Have you ever been to the West?" 46938 "I spent most of my life in England." 46939 "How did you make a living there?" 46940 "A friend supported me." 46941 "Where did you get the money from?" 46942 "He owned a textile factory." 46943 "Who was Lenin?" 46944 "Never heard of him." 46945 "What is your name?" 46946 "Karl Marx." 46947% 46948[The ERA] encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, 46949practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians. 46950 -- Pat Robertson, Man of God and serious Republican 46951 presidential aspirant. 46952% 46953The error of youth is to believe that intelligence is a substitute 46954for experience, while the error of age is to believe experience is 46955a substitute for intelligence. 46956 -- Lyman Bryson 46957% 46958The eternal feminine draws us upward. 46959 -- Goethe 46960% 46961The executioner is, I hear, very expert, and my neck is very slender. 46962 -- Anne Boleyn 46963% 46964The explanation requiring the fewest assumptions 46965is the most likely to be correct. 46966 -- William of Occam 46967% 46968The eye is a menace to clear sight, the ear is a menace to subtle hearing, 46969the mind is a menace to wisdom, every organ of the senses is a menace to its 46970own capacity. ... Fuss, the god of the Southern Ocean, and Fret, the god 46971of the Northern Ocean, happened once to meet in the realm of Chaos, the god 46972of the center. Chaos treated them very handsomely and they discussed together 46973what they could do to repay his kindness. They had noticed that, whereas 46974everyone else had seven apertures, for sight, hearing, eating, breathing and 46975so on, Chaos had none. So they decided to make the experiment of boring holes 46976in him. Every day they bored a hole, and on the seventh day, Chaos died. 46977 -- Chuang Tzu 46978% 46979The eyes of taxes are upon you. 46980% 46981The eyes of Texas are upon you, 46982All the livelong day; 46983The eyes of Texas are upon you, 46984You cannot get away; 46985Do not think you can escape them 46986From night 'til early in the morn; 46987The eyes of Texas are upon you 46988'Til Gabriel blows his horn. 46989 -- University of Texas' school song 46990% 46991The fact that an opinion has been widely held is no evidence that it is not 46992utterly absurd; indeed, in view of the silliness of the majority of mankind, 46993a widespread belief is more often likely to be foolish than sensible. 46994 -- Bertrand Russell, in "Marriage and Morals", 1929 46995% 46996The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a 46997remarkable Christian forbearance among men. 46998 -- Ambrose Bierce 46999% 47000The fact that hitler was a politcal genius unmasks the nature of politics 47001in general as no other can. 47002 -- Wilhelm Reich 47003% 47004The fact that it works is immaterial. 47005 -- L. Ogborn 47006% 47007The fact that people are poor or discriminated against doesn't necessarily 47008endow them with any special qualities of justice, nobility, charity or 47009compassion. 47010 -- Saul Alinsky 47011% 47012The famous politician was trying to save both his faces. 47013% 47014The farther you go, the less you know. 47015 -- Lao Tsu, "Tao Te Ching" 47016% 47017The fashion wears out more apparel than the man. 47018 -- William Shakespeare, "Much Ado About Nothing" 47019% 47020The fashionable drawing rooms of London have always been happy to accept 47021outsiders -- if only on their own, albeit undemanding terms. That is to 47022say, artists, so long as they are not too talented, men of humble birth, 47023so long as they have since amassed several million pounds, and socialists 47024so long as they are Tories. 47025 -- Christopher Booker 47026% 47027The faster I go, the behinder I get. 47028 -- Lewis Carroll 47029% 47030The faster we go, the rounder we get. 47031 -- The Grateful Dead 47032% 47033The Fastest Defeat In Chess 47034 The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess 47035master. 47036 In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a 47037Monsieur Lazard. Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so 47038chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort 47039of their own homes. 47040 Lazard was black and Gibaud white: 47041 1: P-Q4, Kt-KB3 47042 2: Kt-Q2, P-K4 47043 3: PxP, Kt-Kt5 47044 4: P-K6, Kt-K6/ 47045 White then resigns on realizing that a fifth move would involve 47046either a Q-KR5 check or the loss of his queen. 47047 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 47048% 47049The father, passing through his son's college town late one evening on a 47050business trip, thought he would pay his boy a surprise visit. Arriving at the 47051lad's fraternity house, dad rapped loudly on the door. After several minutes 47052of knocking, a sleepy voice drifted down from a second-floor window, 47053 "Whaddaya want?" 47054 "Does Ramsey Duncan live here?" asked the father. 47055 "Yeah," replied the voice. "Dump him on the front porch." 47056% 47057The feeling persists that no one can simultaneously be a respectable writer 47058and understand how a refrigerator works, just as no gentleman wears a brown 47059suit in the city. Colleges may be to blame. English majors are encouraged, 47060I know, to hate chemistry and physics, and to be proud because they are not 47061dull and creepy and humorless and war-oriented like the engineers across the 47062quad. And our most impressive critics have commonly been such English majors, 47063and they are squeamish about technology to this very day. So it is natural 47064for them to despise science fiction. 47065 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Science Fiction" 47066% 47067The fellow sat down at a bar, ordered a drink and asked the bartender if he 47068wanted to hear a dumb-jock joke. 47069 "Hey, buddy," the bartender replied, "you see those two guys next to 47070you? They used to be with the Chicago Bears. The two dudes behind you made 47071the U.S. Olympic wrestling team. And for you information, I used to play 47072center at Notre Dame." 47073 "Forget it," the customer said. "I don't want to explain it five 47074times." 47075% 47076"The feminist agenda," Pat Robertson observed in a recent letter to his 47077supporters, "is not about equal rights for women. It is about a socialist, 47078anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their 47079husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism 47080and become lesbians." 47081% 47082The Feynman Problem-Solving Algorithm: 47083 (1) write down the problem. 47084 (2) think very hard. 47085 (3) write down the answer. 47086 -- Murray Gell-Mann 47087% 47088The Fifth Rule: 47089 You have taken yourself too seriously. 47090% 47091The final delusion is the belief that one has lost all delusions. 47092 -- Maurice Chapelain, "Main courante" 47093% 47094The finest eloquence is that which gets things done. 47095% 47096The first 90% of a project takes 90% of the time, 47097the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time. 47098% 47099The first and almost the only Book deserving of universal attention is 47100the Bible. 47101 -- John Quincy Adams 47102 47103All the good from the Saviour of the world is communicated through this Book; 47104but for the Book we could not know right from wrong. All the things desirable 47105to man are contained in it. 47106 -- Abraham Lincoln 47107 47108... the Bible ... is the one supreme source of revelation of the meaning of 47109life, the nature of God and spiritual nature and need of men. It is the only 47110guide of life which really leads the spirit in the way of peace and salvation. 47111 -- Woodrow Wilson 47112% 47113The First Commandment for Technicians: 47114 Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged 47115capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most 47116untechnician-like manner. 47117% 47118The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it. 47119 -- Abbie Hoffman 47120% 47121The first Great Steward, Parrafin the Climber, was employed in King 47122Chloroplast's kitchen as second scullery boy when the old King met a 47123tragic death. He apparently fell backward by accident on a dozen salad 47124forks. Simultaneously the true heir, his son Carotene, mysteriously 47125fled the city, complaining of some sort of plot and a lot of 47126threatening notes left on his breakfast tray. At the time, this looked 47127suspicious what with his father's death, and Carotene was suspected of 47128foul play. Then the rest of the King's relatives began to drop dead 47129one after the other in an odd fashion. Some were found strangled with 47130dishrags and some succumbed to food poisoning. A few were found 47131drowned in the soup vats, and one was attacked by assailants unknown 47132and beaten to death with a pot roast. At least three appear to have 47133thrown themselves backward on salad forks, perhaps in a noble gesture 47134of grief over the King's untimely end. Finally there was no one left 47135in Minas Troney who was either eligible or willing to wear the accursed 47136crown, and the rule of Twodor was up for grabs. The scullery slave 47137Parrafin bravely accepted the Stewardship of Twodor until that day when 47138a lineal descendant of Carotene's returns to reclaim his rightful 47139throne, conquer Twodor's enemies, and revamp the postal system. 47140 -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings" 47141% 47142The first guy that rats gets a bellyful of slugs in the head. Understand? 47143 -- Joey Glimco, trade unionist 47144% 47145The first guy that rats gets a belly-full of slugs in the head. 47146Understand? 47147 -- Joey Glimco 47148% 47149The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half 47150by our children. 47151 -- Clarence Darrow 47152% 47153The first marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence, 47154and the second the triumph of hope over experience. 47155% 47156The first myth of management is that it exists. The second myth of 47157management is that success equals skill. 47158 -- Robert Heller 47159% 47160The first requisite for immortality is death. 47161 -- Stanislaw Lem 47162% 47163The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish 47164child, was propounded to me by my father: 47165 "What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and 47166whistles?" 47167 I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity 47168gave up. 47169 "A herring," said my father. 47170 "A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!" 47171 "So hang it there." 47172 "But a herring isn't green!" I protested. 47173 "Paint it." 47174 "But a herring isn't wet." 47175 "If it's just painted it's still wet." 47176 "But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring 47177doesn't whistle!!" 47178 "Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it 47179hard." 47180 -- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish" 47181% 47182The first Rotarian was the first man to call John the Baptist "Jack." 47183 -- H. L. Mencken 47184% 47185The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. 47186 -- Paul Erlich 47187% 47188The first rule of magic is simple. Don't waste your time waving your 47189hands and hoping when a rock or a club will do. 47190 -- McCloctnik the Lucid 47191% 47192The First Rule of Program Optimization: 47193 Don't do it. 47194 47195The Second Rule of Program Optimization (for experts only!): 47196 Don't do it yet. 47197 -- Michael Jackson 47198% 47199The first thing I do in the morning 47200is brush my teeth and sharpen my tongue. 47201 -- Dorothy Parker 47202% 47203The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers. 47204 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV 47205% 47206The first time, it's a KLUDGE! 47207The second, a trick. 47208Later, it's a well-established technique! 47209 -- Mike Broido, Intermetrics 47210% 47211The first version always gets thrown away. 47212% 47213The five rules of Socialism: 47214 47215 1. Don't think. 47216 2. If you do think, don't speak. 47217 3. If you think and speak, don't write. 47218 4. If you think, speak and write, don't sign. 47219 5. If you think, speak, write and sign, don't be surprised. 47220 47221 -- being told in Poland, 1987 47222% 47223...the flaw that makes perfection perfect. 47224% 47225The flow chart is a most thoroughly oversold piece of program documentation. 47226 -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man-Month" 47227% 47228The flush toilet is the basis of Western civilization. 47229 -- Alan Coult 47230% 47231The following quote is from page 4-27 of the MSCP Basic Disk Functions 47232Manual which is part of the UDA50 Programmers Doc Kit manuals: 47233 47234As stated above, the host area of a disk is structured as a vector of 47235logical blocks. From a performance viewpoint, however, it is more 47236appropriate to view the host area as a four dimensional hyper-cube, the 47237four dimensions being cylinder, group, track, and sector. 47238 . . . 47239Referring to our hyper-cube analogy, the set of potentially accessible 47240blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves 47241parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge 47242of the hyper-cube. 47243% 47244The following statement is not true. 47245The previous statement is true. 47246% 47247The Following Subsume All Physical and Human Laws: 47248 47249 1. You can't push on a string. 47250 2. Ain't no free lunches. 47251 3. Them as has, gets. 47252 4. You can't win them all, but you sure as hell can lose them all. 47253% 47254The Force is what holds everything together. 47255It has its dark side, and it has its light side. 47256It's sort of like cosmic duct tape. 47257% 47258The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by 47259people who want some. 47260 -- Dwight MacDonald 47261% 47262The forest is safe because a lion lives therein and the lion is safe 47263because it lives in a forest. Likewise the friendship of persons 47264rests on mutual help. 47265 -- Laukikanyay 47266% 47267The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by 47268a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities. 47269% 47270The founding fathers tried to set up a judicial system where the accused 47271received a fair trial, not a system to ensure an acquittal on technicalities. 47272% 47273The founding fathers tried to set up a system where a man got a fair 47274trial, not a system to get let him get off on technicalities. 47275% 47276The fountain code has been tightened slightly so you can no longer dip 47277objects into a fountain or drink from one while you are floating in mid-air 47278due to levitation. 47279 Teleporting to hell via a teleportation trap will no longer occur 47280if the character does not have fire resistance. 47281 -- README file from the NetHack game 47282% 47283"The four building blocks of the universe are fire, water, gravel and 47284vinyl." 47285 -- Dave Barry 47286% 47287[The French Riviera is] a sunny place for shady people. 47288 -- W. Somerset Maugham 47289% 47290The full impact of parenthood doesn't hit you until you multiply the 47291number of your kids by 32 teeth. 47292% 47293The full potentialities of human fury cannot be reached until a friend 47294of both parties tactfully interferes. 47295 -- G. K. Chesterton 47296% 47297The function of the expert is not to be more right than other people, 47298but to be wrong for more sophisticated reasons. 47299 -- Dr. David Butler, British psephologist 47300% 47301The future is a myth created by insurance 47302salesmen and high school counselors. 47303% 47304The future is a race between education and catastrophe. 47305 -- H. G. Wells 47306% 47307The future isn't what it used to be. (It never was.) 47308% 47309The future lies ahead. 47310% 47311The future not being born, my friend, 47312we will abstain from baptizing it. 47313 -- George Meredith 47314% 47315The garden is in mourning; 47316The rain falls cool among the flowers. 47317Summer shivers quietly 47318On its way towards its end. 47319 47320Golden leaf after leaf 47321Falls from the tall acacia. 47322Summer smiles, astonished, feeble, 47323In this dying dream of a garden. 47324 47325For a long while, yet, in the roses, 47326She will linger on, yearning for peace, 47327And slowly 47328Close her weary eyes. 47329 -- Hermann Hesse, "September" 47330% 47331The generation of random numbers is too important to be left to 47332chance. 47333% 47334The genius of our ruling class is that it has kept a majority of the 47335people from ever questioning the inequity of a system where most people 47336drudge along paying heavy taxes for which they get nothing in return. 47337 -- Gore Vidal 47338% 47339The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep. 47340% 47341The gentlemen looked one another over with microscopic carelessness. 47342% 47343The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the 47344center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South 47345Boston which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South 47346End is East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. 47347% 47348The giraffe you thought you offended last week is willing to be nuzzled 47349today. 47350% 47351The girl who remembers her first kiss now has a daughter who can't even 47352remember her first husband. 47353% 47354The girl who stoops to conquer usually wears a low-cut dress. 47355% 47356The girl who swears no one has ever made love to her has a right to swear. 47357 -- Sophia Loren 47358% 47359The glances over cocktails 47360That seemed to be so sweet 47361Don't seem quite so amorous 47362Over Shredded Wheat 47363% 47364The goal of Computer Science is to build something that will last at 47365least until we've finished building it. 47366% 47367The goal of science is to build better mousetraps. The goal of nature 47368is to build better mice. 47369% 47370The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him 47371love and he invented marriage. 47372% 47373The Golden Rule is of no use to you whatever unless you realize it 47374is your move. 47375 -- Frank Crane 47376% 47377THE GOLDEN RULE OF ARTS AND SCIENCES 47378 The one who has the gold makes the rules. 47379% 47380"The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who 47381make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians 47382have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine 47383man in the bonds of Hell." 47384 -- St. Augustine 47385% 47386The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got 47387to be good. 47388 -- John Barrymore 47389% 47390The good (I am convinced, for one) 47391Is but the bad one leaves undone. 47392Once your reputation's done 47393You can live a life of fun. 47394 -- Wilhelm Busch 47395% 47396The good life was so elusive 47397It really got me down 47398I had to regain some confidence 47399So I got into camouflage 47400% 47401The good time is approaching, 47402The season is at hand. 47403When the merry click of the two-base lick 47404Will be heard throughout the land. 47405The frost still lingers on the earth, and 47406Budless are the trees. 47407But the merry ring of the voice of spring 47408Is borne upon the breeze. 47409 -- Ode to Opening Day, "The Sporting News", 1886 47410% 47411The Gordian Maxim: 47412If a string has one end, it has another. 47413% 47414The government has just completed work on a missile that turned out 47415to be a bit of a boondoggle; nicknamed "Civil Servant", it won't work 47416and they can't fire it. 47417% 47418The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of 47419statistics. These are raised to the _nth degree, the cube roots are 47420extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive 47421displays. What must be kept ever in mind, however, is that in every 47422case, the figures are first put down by a village watchman, and he puts 47423down anything he damn well pleases. 47424 -- Sir Josiah Stamp 47425% 47426The Government just announced today the creation of the Neutron Bomb II. 47427Similar to the Neutron Bomb, the Neutron Bomb II not only kills people 47428and leaves buildings standing, but also does a little light housekeeping. 47429% 47430The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the 47431Christian Religion 47432 -- George Washington 47433% 47434The government was contemplating the dispatch of an expedition to Burma, 47435with a view to taking Rangoon, and a question arose as to who would be the 47436fittest general to be sent in command of the expedition. The Cabinet sent 47437for the Duke of Wellington, and asked his advice. He instantly replied, 47438"Send Lord Combermere." 47439 "But we have always understood that your Grace thought Lord 47440Combermere a fool." 47441 "So he is a fool, and a damned fool; but he can take Rangoon." 47442 -- G. W. E. Russell 47443% 47444The goys have proven the following theorem... 47445 -- Physicist John von Neumann, at the start of a classroom 47446 lecture. 47447% 47448The grand leap of the whale up the Fall of Niagara is esteemed, by all 47449who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature. 47450 -- Benjamin Franklin 47451% 47452The grass is always greener on the other side of your sunglasses. 47453% 47454The grave's a fine and private place, 47455but none, I think, do there embrace. 47456 -- Andrew Marvell 47457% 47458The graveyards are full of indispensable men. 47459 -- Charles de Gaulle 47460% 47461The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog: 47462 The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in 47463courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk 47464clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods 47465of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp 47466Hedgehog Eater. 47467 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 47468% 47469The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude. 47470 -- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life" 47471% 47472The Great Movie Posters: 47473 47474*A Giggle Gurgling Gulp of Glee* 47475With Pretty Girls, Peppy Scenes, and Gorgeous Revues -- plus a good story. 47476 -- Tea with a Kick (1924) 47477 47478Whoopie! Let's go!... Hand-picked Beauties doing cute tricks! 47479GET IN THE KNOW FOR THE HEY-HEY WHOOPIE! 47480 -- The Wild Party (1929) 47481 47482YOU HEAR HIM MAKE LOVE! 47483DIX -- the dashing soldier! 47484 DIX -- the bold adventurer! 47485 DIX -- the throbbing lover! 47486 -- The Wheel of Life (1929) 47487 47488SEE CHARLES BUTTERWORTH DRIVE A STREETCAR AND SING LOVE 47489SONGS TO HIS MARE "MITZIE"! 47490 -- The Night is Young (1934) 47491% 47492The Great Movie Posters: 47493 47494A mis-spawned murderous abomination from the nether reaches of an 47495unimaginable hell. 47496 -- The Killer of Castle Brood (1967) 47497 47498NEW -- SICKENING HORROR to make your STOMACH TURN and FLESH CRAWL! 47499 -- Frankenstein's Bloody Terror (1968) 47500 47501LUST-MAD MEN AND LAWLESS WOMEN IN A VICIOUS AND SENSUOUS ORGY OF 47502SLAUGHTER! 47503 -- Five Bloody Graves (1969) 47504 47505The family that slays together stays together. 47506 -- Bloody Mama (1970) 47507% 47508The Great Movie Posters: 47509 47510An AVALANCHE of KILLER WORMS! 47511 -- Squirm (1976) 47512 47513Most Movies Live Less Than Two Hours. 47514This Is One of Everlasting Torment! 47515 -- The New House on the Left (1977) 47516 47517WE ARE GOING TO EAT YOU! 47518 -- Zombie (1980) 47519 47520It's not human and it's got an axe. 47521 -- The Prey (1981) 47522% 47523The Great Movie Posters: 47524 47525Different! Daring! Dynamic! Defying! Dumbfounding! 47526SEE Uncle Tom lead the Negroes to FREEDOM! 47527... Now, all the SENSUAL and VIOLENT passions Roots couldn't show on TV! 47528 -- Uncle Tom's Cabin (1972) 47529 47530An appalling amalgam of carnage and carnality! 47531 -- Flesh and Blood Show (1973) 47532 47533WHEN THE CATS ARE HUNGRY... 47534RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! 47535Alone, only a harmless pet... 47536 One Thousand Strong, They Become a Man-Eating Machine! 47537 -- The Night of a Thousand Cats (1972) 47538 47539They're Over-Exposed 47540But Not Under-Developed! 47541 -- Cover Girl Models (1976) 47542% 47543The Great Movie Posters: 47544 47545HOODLUMS FROM ANOTHER WORLD ON A RAY-GUN RAMPAGE! 47546 -- Teenagers from Outher Space (1959) 47547 47548Which will be Her Mate... MAN OR BEAST? 47549Meet Velda -- the Kind of Woman -- Man or Gorilla would kill... to Keep. 47550 -- Untamed Mistress (1960) 47551 47552NOW AN ALL-MIGHTY ALL-NEW MOTION PICTURE BRINGS THEM TOGETHER FOR THE 47553FIRST TIME... HISTORY'S MOST GIGANTIC MONSTERS IN COMBAT ATOP MOUNT FUJI! 47554 -- King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963) 47555% 47556The Great Movie Posters: 47557 47558HOT STEEL BETWEEN THEIR LEGS! 47559 -- The Cycle Savages (1969) 47560 47561The Hand that Rocks the Cradle... Has no Flesh on It! 47562 -- Who Slew Auntie Roo? (1971) 47563 47564TWO GREAT BLOOD HORRORS TO RIP OUT YOUR GUTS! 47565 -- I Eat Your Skin & I Drink Your Blood (1971 double-bill) 47566 47567They Went In People and Came Out Hamburger! 47568 -- The Corpse Grinders (1971) 47569% 47570The Great Movie Posters: 47571 47572KATHERINE HEPBURN as the lying, stealing, singing, preying witch girl 47573of the Ozarks... "Low down white trash"? Maybe so -- but let her hear 47574you say it and she'll break your head to prove herself a lady! 47575 -- Spitfire (1934) 47576 47577Do Native Women Live With Apes? 47578 -- Love Life of a Gorilla (1937) 47579 47580JUNGLE KISS!! 47581 When she looked into his eyes, felt his arms around her -- she 47582was no longer Tura, mysterious white goddess of the jungle tribes -- 47583she was no longer the frozen-hearted high priestess under whose hypnotic 47584spell the worshippers of the great crocodile god meekly bowed -- she 47585was a girl in love! 47586 SEE the ravening charge of the hundred scared CROCODILES! 47587 -- Her Jungle Love (1938) 47588 47589LOVE! HATE! JOY! FEAR! TORMENT! PANIC! SHAME! RAGE! 47590 -- Intermezzo (1939) 47591% 47592The Great Movie Posters: 47593 47594POWERFUL! SHOCKING! RAW! ROUGH! CHALLENGING! SEE A LITTLE GIRL MOLESTED! 47595 -- Never Take Candy from a Stranger (1963) 47596 47597She Sins in Mobile -- 47598Marries in Houston -- 47599Loses Her Baby in Dallas -- 47600Leaves Her Husband in Tucson -- 47601MEETS HARRU IN SAN DIEGO!... 47602FIRST -- HARLOW! 47603THEN -- MONROE! 47604NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!! 47605 -- The Rotten Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan 47606 47607*NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN! 47608A Horrifying Movie of Weird Beauties and Shocking Monsters... 476091001 WEIRDEST SCENES EVER!! MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY! 47610 -- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964) (Alternate Title: 47611 The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and 47612 Became Mixed Up Zombies) 47613% 47614The Great Movie Posters: 47615 47616SCENES THAT WILL STAGGER YOUR SIGHT! 47617-- DANCING CALLED GO-GO 47618-- MUSIC CALLED JU-JU 47619-- NARCOTICS CALLED BANGI! 47620-- FIRES OF PUBERTY! 47621 SEE the burning of a virgin! 47622 SEE power of witch doctor over women! 47623 SEE pygmies with fantastic Physical Endowments!!! 47624 -- Kwaheri (1965) 47625 47626The Big Comedy of Nineteen-Sexty-Sex! 47627 -- Boeing-Boeing (1965) 47628 47629AN ASTRONAUT WENT UP- 47630A "GUESS WHAT" CAME DOWN! 47631 The picture that comes complete with a 10-foot tall monster to 47632give you the wim-wams! 47633 -- Monster a Go-Go (1965) 47634% 47635The Great Movie Posters: 47636 47637SEE rebel guerrillas torn apart by trucks! 47638SEE corpses cut to pieces and fed to dogs and vultures! 47639SEE the monkey trained to perform nursing duties for her paralyzed owner! 47640 -- Sweet and Savage (1983) 47641 47642What a Guy! What a Gal! What a Pair! 47643 -- Stroker Ace (1983) 47644 47645It's always better when you come again! 47646 -- Porky's II: The Next Day (1983) 47647 47648You Don't Have to Go to Texas for a Chainsaw Massacre! 47649 -- Pieces (1983) 47650% 47651The Great Movie Posters: 47652 47653SHE TOOK ON A WHOLE GANG! A howling hellcat humping a hot steel hog 47654on a roaring rampage of revenge! 47655 -- Bury Me an Angel (1972) 47656 47657WHAT'S THE SECRET INGREDIENT USED BY THE MAD BUTCHER FOR HIS SUPERB 47658SAUSAGES? 47659 -- Meat is Meat (1972) 47660 47661TODAY the Pond! 47662TOMORROW the World! 47663 -- Frogs (1972) 47664% 47665The Great Movie Posters: 47666 47667She's got the biggest six-shooters in the West! 47668 -- The Beautiful Blonde from Bashful Bend (1949) 47669 47670CAST OF 3,000! 476714 WRITERS, 476722 DIRECTORS, 476733 CAMERAMEN, 476743 PRODUCERS! 476751 YEAR TO MAKE THIS FILM -- 4767624 YEARS TO REHEARSE -- 4767720 YEARS TO DISTRIBUTE! 47678 BEAUTIFUL BEYOND WORDS! 47679 AWE-INSPIRING! VITAL! 47680THE PRINCE OF PEACE PROVIDES THE ANSWER TO EVERY PROBLEM! 47681Be Brave-bring your troubles and your family to: 47682 HISTORY'S MOST SUBLIME EVENT! YOU'LL FIND GOD RIGHT IN THERE! 47683 -- The Prince of Peace (1948). Starring members of the 47684 Wichita Mountain Pageant featuring Millard Coody as Jesus. 47685% 47686The Great Movie Posters: 47687 47688The Miracle of the Age!!! A LION in your lap! A LOVER in your arms! 47689 -- Bwana Devil (1952) 47690 47691OVERWHELMING! ELECTRIFYING! BAFFLING! 47692Fire Can't Burn Them! Bullets Can't Kill Them! See the Unfolding of 47693the Mysteries of the Moon as Murderous Robot Monsters Descend Upon the 47694Earth! You've Never Seen Anything Like It! Neither Has the World! 47695 SEE... Robots from Space in All Their Glory!!! 47696 -- Robot Monster (1953) 47697 476981,965 pyramids, 5,337 dancing girls, one million swaying bullrushes, 47699802 scared bulls! 47700 -- The Egyptian (1954) 47701% 47702The Great Movie Posters: 47703 47704The nightmare terror of the slithering eye that unleashed agonizing 47705horror on a screaming world! 47706 -- The Crawling Eye (1958) 47707 47708SEE a female colossus... her mountainous torso, skyscraper limbs, 47709giant desires! 47710 -- Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman (1958) 47711 47712Here Is Your Chance To Know More About Sex. 47713What Should a Movie Do? Hide It's Head in the Sand Like an Ostrich? 47714Or Face the JOLTING TRUTH as does... 47715 -- The Desperate Women (1958) 47716% 47717The Great Movie Posters: 47718 47719They hungered for her treasure! And died for her pleasure! 47720SEE Man-Fish Battle Shark-Man-Killer! 47721 -- The Golden Mistress (1954) 47722 47723See Jane Russell in 3-D; She'll Knock Both Your Eyes Out! 47724 -- The French Line (1954) 47725 47726See Jane Russell Shake Her Tambourines... and Drive Cornel WILDE! 47727 -- Hot Blood (1956) 47728% 47729The Great Movie Posters: 47730 47731When You're Six Tons -- And They Call You Killer -- It's Hard To Make 47732Friends... 47733 -- Namu, the Killer Whale (1966) 47734 47735Meet the Girls with the Thermo-Nuclear Navels! 47736 -- Dr. Goldfoot and the Girl Bombs (1966) 47737 47738A GHASTLY TALE DRENCHED WITH GOUTS OF BLOOD SPURTING FROM THE VICTIMS 47739OF A CRAZED MADMAN'S LUST. 47740 -- A Taste of Blood (1967) 47741% 47742The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations 47743like prostitutes. 47744 -- Stanley Kubrick 47745% 47746The great question that has never been answered and which I have not 47747yet been able to answer despite my thirty years of research into the 47748feminine soul is: WHAT DOES A WOMAN WANT? 47749 -- Sigmund Freud 47750% 47751The great secret in life ... [is] not to open your letters for a fortnight. 47752At the expiration of that period you will find that nearly all of them have 47753answered themselves. 47754 -- Arthur Binstead 47755% 47756The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men 47757of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding. 47758 -- Justice Louis D. Brandeis 47759% 47760The greatest disloyalty one can offer to great pioneers 47761is to refuse to move an inch from where they stood. 47762% 47763The greatest griefs are those we cause ourselves. 47764 -- Sophocles 47765% 47766The greatest joy a man can know is to conquer his enemies and drive them 47767before him. To ride their horses and take away their possessions. To see 47768the faces of those who were dear to them bedewed with tears, and to clasp 47769their wives and daughters to his arms. 47770 -- Chinggis (Genghis) Khan 47771% 47772The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's. 47773 -- Polish proverb 47774% 47775The Greatest Mathematical Error 47776 The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28 47777July 1962 towards Venus. After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would 47778give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells 47779would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course 47780corrections and after 100 days the craft would circle the unknown planet, 47781scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed. 47782 However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I 47783plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff. 47784 Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from 47785the instructions fed into the computer. "It was human error", a launch 47786spokesman said. 47787 This minus sign cost L4,280,000. 47788 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 47789% 47790The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none. 47791% 47792The greatest productive force is human selfishness. 47793 -- Robert A. Heinlein 47794% 47795The greatest remedy for anger is delay. 47796% 47797The groundhog is like most other prophets; 47798it delivers its message and then disappears. 47799% 47800The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce. 47801 -- J. K. Galbraith 47802% 47803The hardest part of climbing the ladder of 47804success is getting through the crowd at the bottom. 47805% 47806The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax. 47807 -- Albert Einstein 47808% 47809The hardest thing is to disguise your feelings when 47810you put a lot of relatives on the train for home. 47811% 47812The hater of property and of government takes care to have his warranty 47813deed recorded, and the book written against fame and learning has the 47814author's name on the title page. 47815 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson, Journals, 1831 47816% 47817The hatred of relatives is the most violent. 47818 -- Tacitus (c.55 - c.117) 47819% 47820The health of a democratic society may be measured by the quality 47821of functions performed by private citizens. 47822 -- Alexis de Tocqueville 47823% 47824The hearing ear is always found close to the speaking tongue, a custom 47825whereof the memory of man runneth not howsomever to the contrary, nohow. 47826% 47827The heart has its reasons which reason knows nothing of. 47828 -- Blaise Pascal 47829% 47830The heart is wiser than the intellect. 47831% 47832...the heat come 'round and busted me for smiling on a cloudy day. 47833% 47834The heaviest object in the world is the 47835body of the woman you have ceased to love. 47836 -- Marquis de Lac de Clapiers Vauvenargues 47837% 47838The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: 47839 You can never be sure how many beers you had last night. 47840% 47841"The hell with the prime directive! Let's kill something!" 47842% 47843The help people need most urgently is 47844help in admitting that they need help. 47845% 47846The herd instinct among economists makes sheep look like independent 47847thinkers. 47848% 47849The heroic hours of life do not announce their presence by drum and trumpet, 47850challenging us to be true to ourselves by appeals to the martial spirit that 47851keeps the blood at heat. Some little, unassuming, unobtrusive choice presents 47852itself before us slyly and craftily, glib and insinuating, in the modest garb 47853of innocence. To yield to its blandishments is so easy. The wrong, it seems, 47854is venial... Then it is that you will be summoned to show the courage of 47855adventurous youth. 47856 -- Benjamin Cardozo 47857% 47858The hieroglyphics are all unreadable except for a notation on the back, 47859which reads "Genuine authentic Egyptian papyrus. Guaranteed to be at 47860least 5000 years old." 47861% 47862The higher you climb, the more you show your ass. 47863 -- Alexander Pope, "The Dunciad" 47864% 47865The History of every major Galactic Civilization tends to pass through 47866three distinct and recognizable phases, those of Survival, Inquiry, and 47867Sophistication, otherwise known as the How, Why, and Where phases. For 47868instance, the first phase is characterized by the question "How can we 47869eat?" the second by "Why do we eat?" and the third by "Where shall we 47870have lunch?". 47871 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" 47872% 47873The history of warfare is similarly subdivided, although here the phases 47874are Retribution, Anticipation, and Diplomacy. Thus: 47875 47876Retribution: 47877 I'm going to kill you because you killed my brother. 47878Anticipation: 47879 I'm going to kill you because I killed your brother. 47880Diplomacy: 47881 I'm going to kill my brother and then kill you on the 47882 pretext that your brother did it. 47883% 47884The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars." 47885 -- Johnny Carson 47886% 47887The honeymoon is not actually over until we cease 47888to stifle our sighs and begin to stifle our yawns. 47889 -- Helen Rowland 47890% 47891The honeymoon is over when he phones to say he'll be late for supper and 47892she's already left a note that it's in the refrigerator. 47893 -- Bill Lawrence 47894% 47895The horror... the horror! 47896% 47897The human animal differs from the lesser primates in his passion for 47898lists of "Ten Best". 47899 -- H. Allen Smith 47900% 47901The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment 47902you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public. 47903 -- Sir George Jessel 47904% 47905"The human brain is like an enormous fish -- it is flat and slimy and 47906has gills through which it can see." 47907 -- Monty Python 47908% 47909The human mind ordinarily operates at only ten percent of its 47910capacity -- the rest is overhead for the operating system. 47911% 47912The human mind treats a new idea the way the body treats a strange 47913protein -- it rejects it. 47914 -- P. Medawar 47915% 47916The human race has been fascinated by sharks for as long as I can 47917remember. Just like the bluebird feeding its young, or the spider 47918struggling to weave its perfect web, or the buttercup blooming in 47919spring, the shark reveals to us yet another of the infinite and 47920wonderful facets of nature, namely the facet that it can bite your head 47921off. This causes us humans to feel a certain degree of awe. 47922 -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV" 47923% 47924The human race has one really effective weapon, and that is laughter. 47925 -- Mark Twain 47926% 47927The human race is a race of cowards; and I am not only marching in that 47928procession but carrying a banner. 47929 -- Mark Twain 47930% 47931The human race never solves any of its problems. It merely outlives them. 47932 -- David Gerrold 47933% 47934The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons 47935that what she doesn't know won't hurt him. 47936 -- Leo J. Burke 47937% 47938The IBM 2250 is impressive ... 47939if you compare it with a system selling for a tenth its price. 47940 -- D. Cohen 47941% 47942The IBM purchase of ROLM gives new meaning to the term "twisted pair". 47943 -- Howard Anderson, "Yankee Group" 47944% 47945The idea is to die young as late as possible. 47946 -- Ashley Montague 47947% 47948The idea that an arbitrary naive human should be able to properly use a given 47949tool without training or understanding is even more wrong for computing than 47950it is for other tools (e.g. automobiles, airplanes, guns, power saws). 47951 -- Doug Gwyn 47952% 47953The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic 47954devices, such as television sets and VCR's, to the destruction centers, 47955where trained personnel would whack them (the devices) with 47956sledgehammers. With their devices thus permanently destroyed, 47957consumers would then be free to go out and buy new devices, rather than 47958have to fritter away years of their lives trying to have the old ones 47959repaired at so-called "factory service centers," which in fact consist 47960of two men named Lester poking at the insides of broken electronic 47961devices with cheap cigars and going, "Lookit all them WIRES in there!" 47962 -- Dave Barry, "'Mister Mediocre' Restaurants" 47963% 47964The ideal voice for radio may be defined as showing no substance, 47965no sex, no owner, and a message of importance for every housewife. 47966 -- Harry V. Wade 47967% 47968The ideas of economists and political philosophers, both when they 47969are right and when they are wrong, are more powerful than is generally 47970understood. Indeed, the world is ruled by little else. 47971 -- John Maynard Keynes 47972% 47973"The identical is equal to itself, since it is different." 47974 -- Franco Spisani 47975% 47976The idle man does not know what it is to enjoy rest. 47977% 47978The idle mind knows not what it is it wants. 47979 -- Quintus Ennius 47980% 47981"The illegal we do immediately. The unconstitutional takes a bit 47982longer." 47983 -- Henry Kissinger 47984% 47985The Illiterati Programus Canto 1: 47986 A program is a lot like a nose: 47987 Sometimes it runs, and sometimes it blows. 47988% 47989The important thing is not to stop questioning. 47990% 47991The important thing to remember about walking on eggs is not to hop. 47992% 47993The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf 47994has. Even when you make a tax form out on the level, you don't know 47995when it's through if you are a crook or a martyr. 47996 -- Will Rogers 47997% 47998The individual choice of garnishment of a burger can be an important 47999point to the consumer in this day when individualism is an increasingly 48000important thing to people. 48001 -- Donald N. Smith, president of Burger King 48002% 48003The infliction of cruelty with a good conscience is 48004a delight to moralists. That is why they invented hell. 48005 -- Bertrand Russell 48006% 48007The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of blessings; 48008the inherent virtue of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. 48009 -- Winston Churchill 48010% 48011The instruments of science do not in themselves discover truth. And 48012there are searchings that are not concluded by the coincidence of a 48013pointer and a mark. 48014 -- Fred Saberhagen, "The Berserker Wars" 48015% 48016The intelligence of any discussion diminishes with the square of the 48017number of participants. 48018 -- Adam Walinsky 48019% 48020The introduction of a new kind of music must be shunned as imperiling 48021the whole state, for styles of music are never disturbed without 48022affecting the most important political institutions. ... The new 48023style, gradually gaining a lodgement, quietly insinuates itself into 48024manners and customs, and from it ... goes on to attack laws and 48025constitutions, displaying the utmost impudence, until it ends by 48026overturning everything. 48027 -- Plato, "Republic", 370 B.C. 48028% 48029The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided 48030by the number of people in the group. 48031% 48032The IRS spends God knows how much of your tax money on these toll-free 48033information hot lines staffed by IRS employees, whose idea of a 48034dynamite tax tip is that you should print neatly. If you ask them a 48035real tax question, such as how you can cheat, they're useless. 48036 48037So, for guidance, you want to look to big business. Big business never 48038pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big 48039consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes... 48040 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 48041% 48042The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East. They 48043treat the Arabs like postmen. 48044 -- Franklyn Ajaye 48045% 48046The Israelites were all waiting anxiously at the foot of the mountain, 48047knowing that Moses had had a tough day negotiating with God over the 48048Commandments. Finally a tired Moses came into sight. 48049 "I've got some good news and some bad news, folks," he said. "The 48050good news is that I got Him down to ten. The bad news is that adultery's 48051still in." 48052% 48053"The jig's up, Elman." 48054"Which jig?" 48055 -- Jeff Elman 48056% 48057The Junior God now heads the roll 48058In the list of heaven's peers; 48059He sits in the House of High Control, 48060And he regulates the spheres. 48061Yet does he wonder, do you suppose, 48062If, even in gods divine, 48063The best and wisest may not be those 48064Who have wallowed awhile with the swine? 48065 -- R. W. Service 48066% 48067The justifications for drug testing are part of the presently fashionable 48068debate concerning restoring America's "competitiveness." Drugs, it has been 48069revealed, are responsible for rampant absenteeism, reduced output, and poor 48070quality work. But is drug testing in fact rationally related to the 48071resurrection of competitiveness? Will charging the atmosphere of the 48072workplace with the fear of excretory betrayal honestly spur productivity? 48073Much noise has been made about rehabilitating the worker using drugs, but 48074to date the vast majority of programs end with the simple firing or the not 48075hiring of the abuser. This practice may exacerbate, not alleviate, the 48076nation's productivity problem. If economic rehabilitation is the ultimate 48077goal of drug testing, then criteria abandoning the rehabilitation of the 48078drug-using worker is the purest of hypocrisy and the worst of rationalization. 48079 -- The concluding paragraph of "Constitutional Law: The 48080 Fourth Amendment and Drug Testing in the Workplace," 48081 Tim Moore, Harvard Journal of Law & Public Policy, vol. 48082 10, No. 3 (Summer 1987), pp. 762-768. 48083% 48084The Kennedy Constant: 48085 Don't get mad -- get even. 48086% 48087The key elements in human thinking are not numbers but labels of fuzzy sets. 48088 -- L. Zadeh 48089% 48090The key to building a superstar is to keep their mouth shut. To reveal 48091an artist to the people can be to destroy him. It isn't to anyone's 48092advantage to see the truth. 48093 -- Bob Ezrin, rock music producer 48094% 48095The Killer Ducks are coming!!! 48096% 48097The kind of danger people most enjoy is 48098the kind they can watch from a safe place. 48099% 48100The King and his advisor are overlooking the battle field: 48101 48102King: "How goes the battle plan?" 48103Advisor: "See those little black specks running to the right?" 48104K: "Yes." 48105A: "Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running 48106 to the left are our guys. Then when they collide we wait till 48107 the dust clears." 48108K: "And?" 48109A: "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win." 48110K: "But what about the ^#!!$% battle plan?" 48111A: "So far, it seems to be going according to specks." 48112% 48113The knowledge that makes us cherish 48114innocence makes innocence unattainable. 48115 -- Irving Howe 48116% 48117The Kosher Dill was invented in 1723 by Joe Kosher and Sam Dill. It is 48118the single most popular pickle variety today, enjoyed throughout the free 48119world by man, woman and child alike. An astounding 350 billion kosher 48120dills are eaten each year, averaging out to almost 1/4 pickle per person 48121per day. New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton says "The kosher dill 48122really changed my life. I used to enjoy eating McDonald's hamburgers and 48123drinking Iron City Lite, and then I encountered the kosher dill pickle. 48124I realized that there was far more to haute cuisine then I'd ever imagined. 48125And now, just look at me." 48126% 48127The ladies men admire, I've heard, 48128Would shudder at a wicked word. 48129Their candle gives a single light; 48130They'd rather stay at home at night. 48131They do not keep awake till three, 48132Nor read erotic poetry. 48133They never sanction the impure, 48134Nor recognize an overture. 48135They shrink from powders and from paints ... 48136So far, I've had no complaints. 48137 -- Dorothy Parker 48138% 48139The language of politics is poetry, not prose. Jackson is poetry. 48140Cuomo is poetry. Dukakis is a word processor. 48141 -- Richard Nixon, on Meet the Press, April, 1988 48142% 48143The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for 48144everything that goes wrong -- until the next person quits or is fired. 48145% 48146The last person who said that (God rest his soul) lived to regret it. 48147% 48148The last thing one knows in constructing a work is what to put first. 48149 -- Blaise Pascal 48150% 48151The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own 48152hand. 48153 -- Fred Allen 48154% 48155The last time somebody said, "I find I can write much better with a 48156word processor," I replied, "They used to say the same thing about 48157drugs." 48158 -- Roy Blount, Jr. 48159% 48160The last vestiges of the old Republic have been swept away. 48161 -- Governor Tarkin 48162% 48163The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the 48164poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal 48165bread. 48166 -- Anatole France 48167% 48168The Law of Probable Dispersal: 48169 That which hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. 48170% 48171The Law of the Letter: 48172 The best way to inspire fresh thoughts is to seal the envelope. 48173% 48174The Law of the Perversity of Nature: 48175 You cannot determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter. 48176% 48177The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the 48178law free. 48179 -- Henry David Thoreau 48180% 48181"The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all 48182men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the 48183universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we 48184presently imagine we own." 48185 -- H. G. Wells 48186% 48187The Least Perceptive Literary Critic 48188 The most important critic in our field of study is Lord Halifax. A 48189most individual judge of poetry, he once invited Alexander Pope round to 48190give a public reading of his latest poem. 48191 Pope, the leading poet of his day, was greatly surprised when Lord 48192Halifax stopped him four or five times and said, "I beg your pardon, Mr. 48193Pope, but there is something in that passage that does not quite please me." 48194 Pope was rendered speechless, as this fine critic suggested sizeable 48195and unwise emendations to his latest masterpiece. "Be so good as to mark 48196the place and consider at your leisure. I'm sure you can give it a better 48197turn." 48198 After the reading, a good friend of Lord Halifax, a certain Dr. 48199Garth, took the stunned Pope to one side. "There is no need to touch the 48200lines," he said. "All you need do is leave them just as they are, call on 48201Lord Halifax two or three months hence, thank him for his kind observation 48202on those passages, and then read them to him as altered. I have known him 48203much longer than you have, and will be answerable for the event." 48204 Pope took his advice, called on Lord Hallifax and read the poem 48205exactly as it was before. His unique critical faculties had lost none of 48206their edge. "Ay", he commented, "now they are perfectly right. Nothing can 48207be better." 48208 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 48209% 48210The Least Successful Animal Rescue 48211 The firemen's strike of 1978 made possible one of the great animal 48212rescue attempts of all time. Valiantly, the British Army had taken over 48213emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an elderly 48214lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped up a 48215tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their duty. 48216So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. Driving off 48217later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat and killed it. 48218 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 48219% 48220The Least Successful Collector 48221 Betsy Baker played a central role in the history of collecting. She 48222was employed as a servant in the house of John Warburton (1682-1759) who had 48223amassed a fine collection of 58 first edition plays, including most of the 48224works of Shakespeare. 48225 One day Warburton returned home to find 55 of them charred beyond 48226legibility. Betsy had either burned them or used them as pie bottoms. The 48227remaining three folios are now in the British Museum. 48228 The only comparable literary figure was the maid who in 1835 burned 48229the manuscript of the first volume of Thomas Carlyle's "The History of the 48230French Revolution", thinking it was wastepaper. 48231 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 48232% 48233The Least Successful Defrosting Device 48234 The all-time record here is held by Mr. Peter Rowlands of Lancaster 48235whose lips became frozen to his lock in 1979 while blowing warm air on it. 48236 "I got down on my knees to breathe into the lock. Somehow my lips 48237got stuck fast." 48238 While he was in the posture, an old lady passed an inquired if he 48239was all right. "Alra? Igmmlptk", he replied at which point she ran away. 48240 "I tried to tell her what had happened, but it came out sort of... 48241muffled," explained Mr. Rowlands, a pottery designer. 48242 He was trapped for twenty minutes ("I felt a bit foolish") until 48243constant hot breathing brought freedom. He was subsequently nicknamed "Hot 48244Lips". 48245 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 48246% 48247The Least Successful Equal Pay Advertisement 48248 In 1976 the European Economic Community pointed out to the Irish 48249Government that it had not yet implemented the agreed sex equality 48250legislation. The Dublin Government immediately advertised for an equal pay 48251enforcement officer. The advertisement offered different salary scales for 48252men and women. 48253 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 48254% 48255The Least Successful Executions 48256 History has furnished us with two executioners worthy of attention. 48257The first performed in Sydney in Australia. In 1803 three attempts were 48258made to hang a Mr. Joseph Samuels. On the first two of these the rope 48259snapped, while on the third Mr. Samuels just hung there peacefully until he 48260and everyone else got bored. Since he had proved unsusceptible to capital 48261punishment, he was reprieved. 48262 The most important British executioner was Mr. James Berry who 48263tried three times in 1885 to hang Mr. John Lee at Exeter Jail, but on each 48264occasion failed to get the trap door open. 48265 In recognition of this achievement, the Home Secretary commuted 48266Lee's sentence to "life" imprisonment. He was released in 1917, emigrated 48267to America and lived until 1933. 48268 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 48269% 48270The Least Successful Police Dogs 48271 America has a very strong candidate in "La Dur", a fearsome looking 48272schnauzer hound, who was retired from the Orlando police force in Florida 48273in 1978. He consistently refused to do anything which might ruffle or 48274offend the criminal classes. 48275 His handling officer, Rick Grim, had to admit: "He just won't go up 48276and bite them. I got sick and tired of doing that dog's work for him." 48277 The British contenders in this category, however, took things a 48278stage further. "Laddie" and "Boy" were trained as detector dogs for drug 48279raids. Their employment was terminated following a raid in the Midlands in 482801967. 48281 While the investigating officer questioned two suspects, they 48282patted and stroked the dogs who eventually fell asleep in front of the 48283fire. When the officer moved to arrest the suspects, one dog growled at 48284him while the other leapt up and bit his thigh. 48285 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 48286% 48287The less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag. 48288 -- Kin Hubbard 48289% 48290The less time planning, the more time programming. 48291% 48292THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #14 -- VALGOL 48293 48294 From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando 48295Valley VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the 48296industry. VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW. 48297Variables are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other 48298operators include the "California booleans", AX and NOWAY. Loops are 48299accomplished with the FOR SURE construct. A simple example: 48300 48301 LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START 48302 IF PIZZA =LIKE BITCHEN AND 48303 GUY =LIKE TUBULAR AND 48304 VALLEY GIRL =LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 48305 THEN 48306 FOR I =LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100 48307 DO*WAH - (DITTY**2); BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT) 48308 SURE 48309 LIKE, BAG THIS PROGRAM; REALLY; LIKE TOTALLY(Y*KNOW); IM*SURE 48310 GOTO THE MALL 48311 48312 VALGOL is also characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For 48313example, when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the 48314message GAG ME WITH A SPOON! A successful compile may be termed MAXIMALLY 48315AWESOME! 48316% 48317THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17 -- DOGO 48318 48319 Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO 48320DOGO heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include 48321SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is "puppy 48322graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves a deposit as 48323it travels across the screen. 48324% 48325The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them. 48326 -- Lenny Bruce 48327% 48328The life which is unexamined is not worth living. 48329 -- Plato 48330% 48331The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching 48332train. 48333% 48334The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming dragon. 48335% 48336The light of a hundred stars does not equal the light of the moon. 48337% 48338The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get 48339much sleep. 48340 -- Woody Allen 48341% 48342The little girl expects no declaration of tenderness from her doll. 48343She loves it -- and that's all. It is thus that we should love. 48344 -- DeGourmont 48345% 48346The little pieces of my life I give to you, 48347with love, to make a quilt to keep away the cold. 48348% 48349The little town that time forgot, 48350Where all the women are strong, 48351The men are good-looking, 48352And the children above-average. 48353 -- Prairie Home Companion 48354% 48355The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of his 48356door with a basket of kittens. 48357 "Hello, little girl, what do you have there?" 48358 "These are my Democratic kittens," she replied. 48359Amused, the pastor said nothing. Two weeks later he saw the same little 48360girl with (apparently) the same basket of kittens. 48361 "My, I see you still have your Democratic kittens.", he said. 48362 "No, you see, these are Republican kittens," she answered. 48363 "Two weeks ago they were Democratic kittens," he replied, puzzled. 48364 "Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed." 48365% 48366The `loner' may be respected, but he is always resented by his colleagues, 48367for he seems to be passing a critical judgment on them, when he may be 48368simply making a limiting statement about himself. 48369 -- Sidney Harris 48370% 48371The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself. 48372 -- Henry Kissinger 48373% 48374The longer the title, the less important the job. 48375% 48376The longest part of the journey is said to be the passing of the gate. 48377 -- Marcus Terentius Varro 48378% 48379"The Lord gave us farmers two strong hands so we could grab as much as 48380we could with both of them." 48381 -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22" 48382% 48383The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. 48384Indian Giver be the name of the Lord. 48385% 48386The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is the reason that He makes 48387so many of them. 48388 -- Abraham Lincoln 48389% 48390The louder he talked of his honour, the faster we counted our spoons. 48391 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 48392% 48393The lovely woman-child Kaa was mercilessly chained to the cruel post of 48394the warrior-chief Beast, with his barbarian tribe now stacking wood at 48395her nubile feet, when the strong clear voice of the poetic and heroic 48396Handsomas roared, "Flick your Bic, crisp that chick, and you'll feel my 48397steel through your last meal!" 48398 -- Winning sentence, 1984 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest 48399% 48400The luck that is ordained for you will be coveted by others. 48401% 48402The lunatic, the lover, and the poet, 48403Are of imagination all compact... 48404 -- William Shakespeare, "A Midsummer Night's Dream" 48405% 48406The Macintosh is Xerox technology at its best. 48407% 48408The magic of our first love is our ignorance that it can ever end. 48409 -- Benjamin Disraeli 48410% 48411The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs. 48412 -- Kevin Cowherd 48413% 48414The major advances in civilization are processes 48415that all but wreck the societies in which they occur. 48416 -- A. N. Whitehead 48417% 48418The major difference between bonds and bond traders is that the 48419bonds will eventually mature. 48420% 48421The major sin is the sin of being born. 48422 -- Samuel Beckett 48423% 48424The majority of husbands remind me of an orangutan trying to play 48425the violin. 48426 -- Honore de Balzac 48427% 48428The majority of the stupid is invincible and guaranteed for all time. 48429The terror of their tyranny, however, is alleviated by their lack of 48430consistency. 48431 -- Albert Einstein 48432% 48433The makers may make 48434and the users may use, 48435but the fixers must fix 48436with but minimal clues 48437% 48438The man she had was kind and clean 48439And well enough for every day, 48440But oh, dear friends, you should have seen 48441The one that got away. 48442 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Fisherwoman" 48443% 48444The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner 48445 The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is 48446Hubert Cecil Booth. However, he got the idea from a man who almost 48447invented it. 48448 In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall. On the bill was an 48449American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets. 48450 The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top. 48451After watching the act -- which made everyone in the front six rows sneeze 48452-- Booth went round to the inventor's dressing room. 48453 "It should suck not blow," said Booth, coming straight to the 48454point. "Suck?", exclaimed the enraged inventor. "Your machine just moves 48455the dust around the room," Booth informed him. "Suck? Suck? Sucking is 48456not possible," was the inventor's reply and he stormed out. Booth proved 48457that it was by the simple expedient of kneeling down, pursing his lips and 48458sucking the back of an armchair. "I almost choked," he said afterwards. 48459 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 48460% 48461The man who follows the crowd will usually get no further than the 48462crowd. The man who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no 48463one has ever been. 48464 -- Alan Ashley-Pitt 48465% 48466The man who has never been flogged has never been taught. 48467 -- Menander 48468% 48469The man who laughs has not yet been told the terrible news. 48470 -- Bertolt Brecht 48471% 48472The man who raises a fist has run out of ideas. 48473 -- H. G. Wells, "Time After Time" 48474% 48475The man who runs may fight again. 48476 -- Menander 48477% 48478The man who sees, on New Year's day, Mount 48479Fuji, a hawk, and an eggplant is forever blessed. 48480 -- Old Japanese proverb 48481% 48482The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that 48483will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful. 48484 -- Mark Twain 48485% 48486The man who understands one woman is 48487qualified to understand pretty well everything. 48488 -- Yeats 48489% 48490The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has 48491to do is get up every morning and say, "How's the President?" 48492 -- Will Rogers 48493 48494The vice-presidency ain't worth a pitcher of warm spit. 48495 -- Vice President John Nance Garner 48496% 48497The Marines: 48498 The few, the proud, the dead on the beach. 48499% 48500The Marines: 48501 The few, the proud, the not very bright. 48502% 48503The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning 48504wanting to change your name and start a new life in different city. 48505 -- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire" 48506% 48507The mark of the immature man is that he wants to die nobly for a cause, 48508while the mark of a mature man is that he wants to live humbly for one. 48509 -- Wilhelm Stekel 48510% 48511The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice 48512and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the 48513master calls a butterfly. 48514 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul 48515% 48516The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of 48517husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism 48518are one, and that one is Marxism. 48519 -- Heidi Hartmann, 48520 "The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism and Feminism" 48521% 48522The Martian Canals were clearly the Martian's last ditch effort! 48523% 48524The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a 48525soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which 48526when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years. 48527% 48528The mate for beauty should be a man and not a money chest. 48529 -- Bulwer 48530% 48531The mature Bohemian is one whose woman works full time. 48532% 48533The means-and-ends moralists, or non-doers, 48534always end up on their ends without any means. 48535 -- Saul Alinsky 48536% 48537The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out. 48538Computer translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak." 48539% 48540The meek don't want it. 48541% 48542The meek inherit the earth -- usually in small sections... about 6 by 3. 48543% 48544The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse. 48545% 48546The meek shall inherit the earth; but by that 48547time there won't be anything left worth inheriting. 48548% 48549The meek shall inherit the earth, but *not* its mineral rights. 48550 -- J. P. Getty 48551% 48552The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us, the Universe. 48553% 48554The meek shall inherit the earth; the rest of us will go to the stars. 48555% 48556The meek shall inherit the Earth. 48557(But they're gonna have to fight for it.) 48558% 48559The meek will inherit the earth -- if that's OK with you. 48560% 48561The meeting of two personalities is like the contact of two 48562chemical substances: if there is any reaction, both are transformed. 48563 -- C. G. Jung 48564% 48565[The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be 48566undecided, resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful 48567for impotency. 48568 -- Winston Churchill 48569% 48570The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to 48571devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation. 48572 -- Lew Mammel, Jr. 48573% 48574The minute a man is convinced that he is interesting, he isn't. 48575% 48576The mirror sees the man as beautiful, the mirror loves the man; another 48577mirror sees the man as frightful and hates him; and it is always the same 48578being who produces the impressions. 48579 -- Marquis D. A. F. de Sade 48580% 48581The misnaming of fields of study is so common as to lead to what might 48582be general systems laws. For example, Frank Harary once suggested the 48583law that any field that had the word "science" in its name was 48584guaranteed thereby not to be a science. He would cite as examples 48585Military Science, Library Science, Political Science, Homemaking 48586Science, Social Science, and Computer Science. Discuss the generality 48587of this law, and possible reasons for its predictive power. 48588 -- Gerald Weinberg, "An Introduction to General Systems 48589 Thinking." 48590% 48591The Modelski Chain Rule: 485921: Look intently at the problem for several minutes. Scratch your 48593 head at 20-30 second intervals. Try solving the problem on your 48594 Hewlett-Packard. 485952: Failing this, look around at the class. Select a particularly 48596 bright-looking individual. 485973: Procure a large chain. 485984: Walk over to the selected student and threaten to beat him severely 48599 with the chain unless he gives you the answer to the problem. 48600 Generally, he will. It may also be a good idea to give him a sound 48601 thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business. 48602% 48603The modern child will answer you back before you've said anything. 48604 -- Laurence J. Peter 48605% 48606"The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of 48607themselves," the old man said, no longer to me. "But what will become 48608of the bicuspids?" 48609 -- The Old Man and his Bridge 48610% 48611The mome rath isn't born that could outgrabe me. 48612 -- Nicol Williamson 48613% 48614The moon is a planet just like the Earth, only it is even deader. 48615% 48616The moon is made of green cheese. 48617 -- John Heywood 48618% 48619The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away. 48620% 48621The Moral Majority is neither. 48622% 48623The more complex the mind, the greater 48624the need for the simplicity of play. 48625 -- Captain James T. Kirk, "Shore Leave" 48626% 48627The more control, the more that requires control. 48628% 48629The more cordial the buyers secretary, the greater 48630the odds that the competition already has the order. 48631% 48632The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get. 48633% 48634The more data I punch in this card, the lighter it becomes, and the 48635lower the mailing cost. 48636 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 48637% 48638The more he talked of his honor the faster we counted our spoons. 48639 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 48640% 48641The more I know men the more I like my horse. 48642% 48643The more I see of men the more I admire dogs. 48644 -- Mme De Sevigne (1626-1696) 48645% 48646The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work. 48647 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" 48648% 48649The more laws and order are made prominent, 48650the more thieves and robbers there will be. 48651 -- Lao Tsu 48652% 48653The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For 48654instance, The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, 48655contrasted to IBM, GM, AT&T ...) 48656% 48657The more the merrier. 48658 -- John Heywood 48659% 48660The more they over-think the plumbing 48661the easier it is to stop up the drain. 48662% 48663The more things change, the more they remain the same. 48664 -- Alphonse Karr 48665% 48666The more things change, the more they stay insane. 48667% 48668The more things change, the more they'll never be the same again. 48669% 48670The more we disagree, the more chance there is that at least one of us 48671is right. 48672% 48673The more you complain, the longer God lets you live. 48674% 48675The more you sweat in peace, the less you bleed in war. 48676% 48677The Moscow Evening News advertised a contest for the best political joke. 48678First prize was ten years in prison; second prize, five years; third prize, 48679three years; and there were six honorable mentions of one year each. 48680% 48681The mosquito exists to keep the mighty humble. 48682% 48683The mosquito is the state bird of New Jersey. 48684 -- Andy Warhol 48685% 48686The moss on the tree does not fear the talons of the hawk. 48687% 48688The most advantageous, pre-eminent thing thou canst do is not to 48689exhibit nor display thyself within the limits of our galaxy, but 48690rather depart instantaneously whence thou even now standest and 48691flee to yet another rotten planet in the universe, if thou canst 48692have the good fortune to find one. 48693 -- Carlyle 48694% 48695The most common given name in the world is Mohammad; the most common 48696family name in the world is Chang. Can you imagine the enormous number 48697of people in the world named Mohammad Chang? 48698 -- Derek Wills 48699% 48700The most costly of all follies is to believe passionately 48701in the palpably not true. It is the chief occupation of mankind. 48702 -- H. L. Mencken 48703% 48704The most dangerous food is wedding cake. 48705 -- American proverb 48706% 48707The most dangerous organization in America today is: 48708 48709 a) The KKK 48710 b) The American Nazi Party 48711 c) The Delta Frequent Flyer Club 48712% 48713The most delightful day after the one on which you buy a cottage in 48714the country is the one on which you resell it. 48715 -- J. Brecheux 48716% 48717The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS 48718is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian. 48719% 48720The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and 48721to watch someone else do it wrong without comment. 48722 -- Theodore H. White 48723% 48724The most difficult years of marriage are those following the wedding. 48725% 48726The most disagreeable thing that your worst enemy says to your face does 48727not approach what your best friends say behind your back. 48728 -- Alfred De Musset 48729% 48730The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new 48731discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..." 48732 -- Isaac Asimov 48733% 48734The most exquisite peak in culinary art is conquered when you do right by a 48735ham, for a ham, in the very nature of the process it has undergone since last 48736it walked on its own feet, combines in its flavor the tang of smoky autumnal 48737woods, the maternal softness of earthy fields delivered of their crop children, 48738the wineyness of a late sun, the intimate kiss of fertilizing rain, and the 48739bite of fire. You must slice it thin, almost as thin as this page you hold 48740in your hands. The making of a ham dinner, like the making of a gentleman, 48741starts a long, long time before the event. 48742 -- W. B. Courtney, "Reflections of Maryland Country Ham", 48743 from "Congress Eate It Up" 48744% 48745...the most exquisitely squalid hells known to middle-class man: 48746freshman English at a Midwestern university. 48747 -- Tom Wolfe 48748% 48749The most happy marriage I can imagine to myself would be the union 48750of a deaf man to a blind woman. 48751 -- Samuel T. Coleridge 48752% 48753The most hopelessly stupid man is he who is not aware that he is wise. 48754% 48755The most important early product on the way 48756to developing a good product is an imperfect version. 48757% 48758The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating 48759people to approach printed matter with distrust. 48760% 48761The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman 48762is that one of them be good at taking orders. 48763 -- Linda Festa 48764% 48765The most important things, each person must do for himself. 48766% 48767The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money. 48768 -- Joey Adams, "Cindy and I" 48769% 48770The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national 48771conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the 48772participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national 48773organization. 48774 The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national 48775organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness." The 48776orientation materials declared that this was "a historic moment" -- you 48777know, like Port Huron and the Sixties -- and the Rutgers host committee had 48778every reason to expect their goal would be accomplished. 48779 But it was not to be. Given that this was a conference of *New* 48780New Leftists, reason had nothing to do with it. 48781 A revealing article by Vania del Borgo and Maria Margaronis in "The 48782Nation", ["Beyond the Fragments," 3/26/88] says "The defining moment of the 48783weekend came when the conference was almost at its end. On Sunday morning, 48784a twenty-five-member students of color caucus confronted the assembled body 48785with its overwhelming whiteness..." Joined by the Gay & Bisexual Caucus, the 48786Students of Color Caucus declared that the founding of such an overwhelmingly 48787white organization would itself constitute a racist act. The four hundred or 48788so leftist activists were told that they had no right to ratify a constitution 48789or elect any officers. While recognizing "the need to examine the real 48790possibilities of a broad-based, racially diverse student movement" and paying 48791lip service to the need for "dialogue," they threatened to walk out if their 48792demands were not met. As *The Nation* article describes the scene: "To their 48793astonishment, their intervention was greeted with a standing ovation." Handed 48794an ultimatum which demanded that they disband, this would-be successor to the 48795radical student movements of the Sixties promptly voted itself out of 48796existence. As del Borgo and Margaronis put it, "After much chaotic discussion 48797and a confused voice vote, the convention suspended all its other work and 48798broke into regional groups to discuss `outreach.'" 48799 -- Libertarian Agenda, May 1988 48800% 48801The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she 48802served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never 48803been found. 48804 -- Calvin Trillin 48805% 48806The most serious doubt that has been thrown on the authenticity of the 48807biblical miracles is the fact that most of the witnesses in regard to 48808them were fishermen. 48809 -- Arthur Binstead 48810% 48811The Most Unsuccessful Version Of The Bible 48812 The most exciting version of the Bible was printed in 1631 by Robert 48813Barker and Martin Lucas, the King's printers at London. It contained 48814several mistakes, but one was inspired -- the word "not" was omitted from 48815the Seventh Commandment and enjoined its readers, on the highest authority, 48816to commit adultery. 48817 Fearing the popularity with which this might be received in remote 48818country districts, King Charles I called all 1,000 copies back in and fined 48819the printers L3,000. 48820 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 48821% 48822The most winning woman I ever knew was hanged for poisoning three little 48823children for their insurance money. 48824 -- Sherlock Holmes 48825% 48826The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on. 48827% 48828The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ, 48829 Moves on: nor all they Piety nor Wit 48830Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line, 48831 Nor all thy Tears wash out a Word of it. 48832% 48833The myth of romantic love holds that once you've fallen in love with the 48834perfect partner, you're home free. Unfortunately, falling out of love 48835seems to be just as involuntary as falling into it. 48836% 48837The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt. 48838 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 48839% 48840The nation that controls magnetism controls the universe. 48841 -- Chester Gould/Dick Tracy 48842% 48843The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in 488441986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert. 48845 -- David Letterman 48846% 48847The National Short-Sleeved Shirt Association says: 48848 Support your right to bare arms! 48849% 48850The nearer to the church, the further from God. 48851 -- John Heywood 48852% 48853The net is like a vast sea of lutefisk with tiny dinosaur brains embedded 48854in it here and there. Any given spoonful will likely have an IQ of 1, but 48855occasional spoonfuls may have an IQ more than six times that! 48856 -- James "Kibo" Parry 48857% 48858The net of law is spread so wide, 48859No sinner from its sweep may hide. 48860Its meshes are so fine and strong, 48861They take in every child of wrong. 48862O wondrous web of mystery! 48863Big fish alone escape from thee! 48864 -- James Jeffrey Roche 48865% 48866The new Congressmen say they're going to turn the government around. I 48867hope I don't get run over again. 48868% 48869The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 48870doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot. 48871% 48872THE NEW RIGHT: 48873 A javelin team that elects to receive. 48874% 48875The New Testament offers the basis for modern computer coding theory, 48876in the form of an affirmation of the binary number system. 48877 48878 But let your communication be Yea, yea; nay, nay: for 48879 whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil. 48880 -- Matthew 5:37 48881% 48882The New York Times is read by the people who run the country. The 48883Washington Post is read by the people who think they run the country. 48884The National Enquirer is read by the people who think Elvis is alive 48885and running the country ... 48886 -- Robert J. Woodhead 48887% 48888The next person to mention spaghetti stacks 48889to me is going to have his head knocked off. 48890 -- Bill Conrad 48891% 48892The next thing I say to you will be true. 48893The last thing I said was false. 48894% 48895The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people. 48896 -- Lucille S. Harper 48897% 48898The nice thing about standards is that there are so many of them to 48899choose from. 48900 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum 48901% 48902The nicest thing about the Alto is that it doesn't run faster at night. 48903% 48904The night passes quickly when you're asleep 48905But I'm out shufflin' for something to eat 48906... 48907Breakfast at the Egg House, 48908Like the waffle on the griddle, 48909I'm burnt around the edges, 48910But I'm tender in the middle. 48911 -- Adrian Belew 48912% 48913The notes blatted skyward as the rose over the Canada geese, feathered 48914rumps mooning the day, webbed appendages frantically pedaling unseen 48915bicycles in their search for sustenance, driven by cruel Nature's maxim, 48916'Ya wanna eat, ya gotta work,' and at last I knew Pittsburgh. 48917 -- Winning sentence, 1987 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest 48918% 48919The notion of a "record" is an obsolete remnant of the days of the 4892080-column card. 48921 -- Dennis M. Ritchie 48922% 48923The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should 48924serve the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society 48925these institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their 48926function is to serve as checks upon the state. 48927 -- Alan Barth 48928% 48929The number of arguments is unimportant unless some of them are 48930correct. 48931 -- Ralph Hartley 48932% 48933The number of computer scientists in a room is inversely 48934proportional to the number of bugs in their code. 48935% 48936The number of feet in a yard is directly proportional to the success 48937of the barbecue. 48938% 48939The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine 48940increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice. 48941% 48942The number of UNIX installations has grown to 10, with more expected. 48943 -- The Unix Programmer's Manual, 2nd Edition, June 1972 48944% 48945The NY Times is read by the people who run the country. The Washington Post 48946is read by the people who think they run the country. The National Enquirer 48947is read by the people who think Elvis is alive and running the country. 48948 -- Robert Woodhead 48949% 48950The objective of all dedicated employees should be to thoroughly 48951analyze all situations, anticipate all problems prior to their 48952occurrence, have answers for these problems, and move swiftly to solve 48953these problems when called upon. 48954 48955However, when you are up to your ass in alligators it is difficult to 48956remind yourself your initial objective was to drain the swamp. 48957% 48958The odds are a million to one against your being one in a million. 48959% 48960The Official Colorado State Vegetable is now the "state legislator". 48961% 48962The Official MBA Handbook on business cards: 48963 Avoid overly pretentious job titles such as "Lord of the Realm, 48964Defender of the Faith, Emperor of India" or "Director of Corporate 48965Planning." 48966% 48967The Official MBA Handbook on doing company business on an airplane: 48968 48969 Do not work openly on top-secret company cost documents unless 48970 you have previously ascertained that the passenger next to you 48971 is blind, a rock musician on mood-ameliorating drugs, or the 48972 unfortunate possessor of a forty-seventh chromosome. 48973% 48974The Official MBA Handbook on the use of sunlamps: 48975 48976 Use a sunlamp only on weekends. That way, if the office wise guy 48977 remarks on the sudden appearance of your tan, you can fabricate 48978 some story about a sun-stroked weekend at some island Shangri-La 48979 like Caneel Bay. Nothing is more transparent than leaving the 48980 office at 11:45 on a Tuesday night, only to return an Aztec sun 48981 god at 8:15 the next morning. 48982% 48983The old complaint that mass culture is designed for eleven-year-olds 48984is of course a shameful canard. The key age has traditionally been 48985more like fourteen. 48986 -- Robert Christgau, "Esquire" 48987% 48988The old man had lived all his life in a little house on the Vermont side of the 48989New Hampshire-Vermont border. One day, the surveyors came to inform him that 48990they had just discovered that he lived in New Hampshire, not Vermont. 48991 "Thank heavens!" was his heartfelt reply. "I don't think I could have 48992taken another one of those damned Vermont winters!" 48993% 48994THE OLD POOL SHOOTER had won many a game in his life. But now it was time 48995to hang up the cue. When he did, all the other cues came crashing go the 48996floor. 48997 48998"Sorry," he said with a smile. 48999 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. 49000% 49001The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy. 49002% 49003The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader 49004catch his own breath. 49005 -- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart 49006% 49007The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age 49008brings wisdom. 49009 -- H. L. Mencken 49010% 49011The one charm of marriage is that it makes a life of deception a necessity. 49012 -- Oscar Wilde 49013% 49014The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut. 49015% 49016The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when 49017to cringe. 49018% 49019The one L lama, he's a priest 49020The two L llama, he's a beast 49021And I will bet my silk pyjama 49022There isn't any three L lllama. 49023 -- Ogden Nash, to which a fire chief replied that occasionally 49024 his department responded to something like a "three L lllama." 49025% 49026The One Page Principle: 49027 A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch paper 49028 cannot be understood. 49029 -- Mark Ardis 49030% 49031The one sure way to make a lazy man look 49032respectable is to put a fishing rod in his hand. 49033% 49034The only alliance I would make with the Women's Liberation Movement is in bed. 49035 -- Abbey Hoffman 49036% 49037The only certainty is that nothing is certain. 49038 -- Pliny the Elder 49039% 49040The only constant is change. 49041% 49042The only cultural advantage LA has over NY is that you can make a 49043right turn on a red light. 49044 -- Woody Allen 49045% 49046The only difference between a car salesman and a computer salesman is 49047that the car salesman knows he's lying. 49048% 49049The only difference between a rut and a grave is their dimensions. 49050% 49051The only difference between the saint and the sinner is that 49052every saint has a past and every sinner has a future. 49053 -- Oscar Wilde 49054% 49055The only difference in the game of love over the last few 49056thousand years is that they've changed trumps from clubs to diamonds. 49057 -- The Indianapolis Star 49058% 49059The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look 49060respectable. 49061 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 49062% 49063The only happiness lies in reason; all the rest of the world is dismal. 49064The highest reason, however, I see in the work of the artist, and he may 49065experience it as such. Happiness lies in the swiftness of feeling and 49066thinking: all the rest of the world is slow, gradual and stupid. Whoever 49067could feel the course of a light ray would be very happy, for it is very 49068swift. Thinking of oneself gives little happiness. If, however, one feels 49069much happiness in this, it is because at bottom one is not thinking of 49070oneself but of one's ideal. This is far, and only the swift shall reach 49071it and are delighted. 49072 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 49073% 49074The only "ism" Hollywood believes in is plagiarism. 49075 -- Dorothy Parker 49076% 49077The only justification for our concepts and systems of concepts is 49078that they serve to represent the complex of our experiences; 49079beyond this they have no legitimacy. 49080 -- Albert Einstein 49081% 49082The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away 49083is your husband. 49084% 49085The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live, 49086mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, 49087the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn 49088like fabulous yellow Roman candles. 49089 -- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road" 49090% 49091The only people who make love all the time are liars. 49092 -- Louis Jordan 49093% 49094The only perfect science is hind-sight. 49095% 49096The only person who always got his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe. 49097% 49098The only possible interpretation of any research whatever in the 49099"social sciences" is: some do, some don't. 49100 -- Ernest Rutherford 49101% 49102The only problem with being a man of leisure is that you can never stop 49103and take a rest. 49104% 49105The only problem with seeing too much is that it makes you insane. 49106 -- Phaedrus 49107% 49108The only promotion rules I can think of are that a sense of shame is to 49109be avoided at all costs and there is never any reason for a hustler to 49110be less cunning than more virtuous men. Oh yes ... whenever you think 49111you've got something really great, add ten per cent more. 49112 -- Bill Veeck 49113% 49114The only qualities for real success in journalism are ratlike cunning, a 49115plausible manner and a little literary ability. The capacity to steal 49116other people's ideas and phrases ... is also invaluable. 49117 -- Nicolas Tomalin, "Stop the Press, I Want to Get On" 49118% 49119The only real advantage to punk music is that nobody can whistle it. 49120% 49121The only real argument for marriage is that it remains the best method 49122for getting acquainted. 49123 -- Heywood Broun 49124% 49125The only real way to look younger is not to be born so soon. 49126 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and 49127 Over and Over" 49128% 49129The only really decent thing to do behind a person's back is pat it. 49130% 49131The only really good place to buy lumber is at a store where the lumber 49132has already been cut and attached together in the form of furniture, 49133finished, and put inside boxes. 49134 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 49135% 49136The only really masterful noise a man makes in a house is the noise 49137of his key, when he is still on the landing, fumbling for the lock. 49138 -- Colette 49139% 49140The only reward of virtue is virtue. 49141 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 49142% 49143The only rose without thorns is friendship. 49144% 49145The only thing better than love is milk. 49146% 49147The only thing cheaper than hardware is talk. 49148% 49149The only thing that experience teaches us is that experience teaches 49150us nothing. 49151 -- Andre Maurois (Emile Herzog) 49152% 49153The only thing that stops God from sending a second Flood is that 49154the first one was useless. 49155 -- Nicolas Chamfort 49156% 49157The only thing to do with good advice is pass it on. It is never any 49158use to oneself. 49159 -- Oscar Wilde 49160% 49161The only thing we learn from history is that we do not learn. 49162 -- Earl Warren 49163 49164That men do not learn very much from history is the most important of all 49165the lessons that history has to teach. 49166 -- Aldous Huxley 49167 49168We learn from history that we do not learn from history. 49169 -- Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel 49170 49171HISTORY: Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we learn 49172nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened 49173this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view. 49174 -- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab" 49175% 49176The only thing we learn from history is that we learn nothing from 49177history. 49178 -- Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel 49179 49180I know guys can't learn from yesterday ... Hegel must be taking the 49181long view. 49182 -- John Brunner, "Stand on Zanzibar" 49183% 49184The only thing which separates man from child is all the values 49185he has lost over the years. 49186 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 49187% 49188The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything. 49189 -- C. Schultz 49190% 49191The only two things that motivate me and that matter to me are revenge 49192and guilt. 49193 -- Elvis Costello 49194% 49195The only way to amuse some people 49196is to slip and fall on an icy pavement. 49197% 49198The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it. 49199 -- Oscar Wilde 49200% 49201The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, 49202drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not. 49203 -- Mark Twain 49204% 49205The only winner in the War of 1812 was Tchaikovsky. 49206 -- David Gerrold 49207% 49208The onset and the waning of love make themselves felt 49209in the uneasiness experienced at being alone together. 49210 -- Jean de la Bruyere 49211% 49212The opossum is a very sophisticated animal. It doesn't even get up 49213until 5 or 6 p.m. 49214% 49215The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. But the opposite 49216of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. 49217 -- Niels Bohr 49218% 49219The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth. 49220 -- Niels Bohr 49221% 49222The opposite of talking isn't listening. The opposite of talking is 49223waiting. 49224 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 49225% 49226The optimist thinks that this is the best of all possible worlds, 49227and the pessimist knows it. 49228 -- J. Robert Oppenheimer, "Bulletin of Atomic Scientists" 49229 49230Yet creeds mean very little, Coth answered the dark god, still speaking 49231almost gently. The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all 49232possible worlds; and the pessimist fears this is true. 49233 -- James Cabell, "The Silver Stallion" 49234% 49235The optimum committee has no members. 49236 -- Norman Augustine 49237% 49238The opulence of the front office door varies 49239inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm. 49240% 49241The orders come down and they march us away. 49242There's a battle outside and we join in the fray. 49243God, it's hell when you know this could be your last day, 49244But it's better than working for Xerox. 49245 -- Frank Hayes, "Don't Ask" 49246% 49247"The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost 49248went back in time." 49249 -- Steven Wright 49250% 49251The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me. 49252 -- Steven Wright 49253% 49254The other line moves faster. 49255% 49256The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on 49257a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance 49258with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke 49259English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a 49260pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a coach. She smiled, nodded her 49261head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a 49262table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to 49263dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They 49264went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious 49265evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew 49266a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and to this day has 49267never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business. 49268% 49269The part of the world that people find most puzzling is the part called "Me". 49270% 49271The party adjourned to a hot tub, yes. Fully clothed, I might add. 49272 -- IBM employee, testifying in California State Supreme Court 49273% 49274The passionate young thing was having a difficult time getting across what 49275she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend. Finally she asked, 49276 "Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?" 49277 "Gosh, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals." 49278% 49279The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because 49280it isn't here. 49281 -- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley) 49282% 49283The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it 49284were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence. 49285 -- H. L. Mencken 49286% 49287The people sensible enough to give 49288good advice are usually sensible enough to give none. 49289% 49290The perfect friend sees the best in you -- sees it constantly -- 49291not just when you occasionally are that way, but also when you 49292waver, when you forget yourself, act like less than you are. 49293In time, you become more like his vision of you -- which is the 49294person you have always wanted to be. 49295 -- Nancy Friday 49296% 49297The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at 4:00 A.M. 49298 -- Charles Pierce 49299% 49300The perfect man is the true partner. Not a bed partner nor a fun partner, 49301but a man who will shoulder burdens equally with [you] and possess that 49302quality of joy. 49303 -- Erica Jong 49304% 49305The person who can smile when something 49306goes wrong has thought of someone to blame it on. 49307% 49308The person who makes no mistakes does not usually make anything. 49309% 49310The person who marries for money usually earns every penny of it. 49311% 49312The person who's taking you to lunch has no intention of paying. 49313% 49314The person you rejected yesterday could make you happy, if you say yes. 49315% 49316The personal computer market is about the same size as the total potato chip 49317market. Next year it will be about half the size of the pet food market and 49318is fast approaching the total worldwide sales of pantyhose" 49319 -- James Finke, Commodore Int'l Ltd., 1982 49320% 49321The perversity of nature is nowhere better demonstrated by the fact that, 49322when exposed to the same atmosphere, bread becomes hard while crackers 49323become soft. 49324% 49325The philosopher's treatment of a question 49326is like the treatment of an illness. 49327 -- Wittgenstein 49328% 49329The Phone Booth Rule: 49330 A lone dime always gets the number nearly right. 49331% 49332The Pig, if I am not mistaken, 49333Gives us ham and pork and Bacon. 49334Let others think his heart is big, 49335I think it stupid of the Pig. 49336 -- Ogden Nash 49337% 49338The pitcher wound up and he flang the ball at the batter. The batter 49339swang and missed. The pitcher flang the ball again and this time the 49340batter connected. He hit a high fly right to the center fielder. The 49341center fielder was all set to catch the ball, but at the last minute 49342his eyes were blound by the sun and he dropped it. 49343 -- Dizzy Dean 49344% 49345The plot was designed in a light vein that somehow became varicose. 49346 -- David Lardner 49347% 49348The plural of spouse is spice. 49349% 49350The Poems, all three hundred of them, 49351may be summed up in one of their phrases: 49352"Let our thoughts be correct". 49353 -- Confucius 49354% 49355The Poet Whose Badness Saved His Life 49356 The most important poet in the seventeenth century was George 49357Wither. Alexander Pope called him "wretched Wither" and Dryden said of his 49358verse that "if they rhymed and rattled all was well". 49359 In our own time, "The Dictionary of National Biography" notes that his 49360work "is mainly remarkable for its mass, fluidity and flatness. It usually 49361lacks any genuine literary quality and often sinks into imbecile doggerel". 49362 High praise, indeed, and it may tempt you to savour a typically 49363rewarding stanza: It is taken from "I loved a lass" and is concerned with 49364the higher emotions. 49365 She would me "Honey" call, 49366 She'd -- O she'd kiss me too. 49367 But now alas! She's left me 49368 Falero, lero, loo. 49369 Among other details of his mistress which he chose to immortalize 49370was her prudent choice of footwear. 49371 The fives did fit her shoe. 49372 In 1639 the great poet's life was endangered after his capture by 49373the Royalists during the English Civil War. When Sir John Denham, the 49374Royalist poet, heard of Wither's imminent execution, he went to the King and 49375begged that his life be spared. When asked his reason, Sir John replied, 49376"Because that so long as Wither lived, Denham would not be accounted the 49377worst poet in England." 49378 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 49379% 49380The poetry of heroism appeals irresistibly to those who don't go to a war, 49381and even more so to those whom the war is making enormously wealthy." 49382 -- Celine 49383% 49384The point is, you see, that there is no point in driving yourself mad 49385trying to stop yourself going mad. You might just as well give in and 49386save your sanity for later. 49387% 49388The polite thing to do has always been to address people as they wish 49389to be addressed, to treat them in a way they think dignified. But it 49390is equally important to accept and tolerate different standards of 49391courtesy, not expecting everyone else to adapt to one's own 49392preferences. Only then can we hope to restore the insult to its proper 49393social function of expressing true distaste. 49394 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to 49395 Excruciatingly Correct Behavior" 49396% 49397The politician is someone who deals in man's problems of adjustment. 49398To ask a politician to lead us is to ask the tail of a dog to lead the dog. 49399 -- Buckminster Fuller 49400% 49401The pollution's at that awkward stage. 49402Too thick to navigate and too thin to cultivate. 49403 -- Doug Sneyd 49404% 49405The porcupine with the sharpest quills gets stuck on a tree more often. 49406% 49407The possession of a book becomes a substitute for reading it. 49408 -- Anthony Burgess 49409% 49410The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor 49411prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, 49412or to the people. 49413 -- U.S. Constitution, Amendment 10. (Bill of Rights) 49414% 49415The Preacher, the Politician, the Teacher, 49416 Were each of them once a kiddie. 49417A child, indeed, is a wonderful creature. 49418 Do I want one? God Forbiddie! 49419 -- Ogden Nash 49420% 49421The President publicly apologized today to all those offended by his 49422brother's remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is 49423Jews!". Those offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers. 49424 -- Baltimore, Channel 11 News, on Jimmy Carter 49425% 49426The prettiest women are almost always the most 49427boring, and that is why some people feel there is no God. 49428 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 49429% 49430The price of greatness is responsibility. 49431% 49432The price of seeking to force our beliefs on others is that someday 49433they might force their beliefs on us. 49434 -- Mario Cuomo 49435% 49436The price of success in philosophy is triviality. 49437 -- C. Glymour 49438% 49439The price one pays for pursuing any profession, or calling, is an intimate 49440knowledge of its ugly side. 49441 -- James Baldwin 49442% 49443The primary cause of failure in electrical appliances is an expired 49444warranty. Often, you can get an appliance running again simply by 49445changing the warranty expiration date with a 15/64-inch felt-tipped 49446marker. 49447 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 49448% 49449The primary function of the design engineer is to make things 49450difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman. 49451% 49452The primary purpose of the DATA statement is to give names to 49453constants; instead of referring to pi as 3.141592653589793 at every 49454appearance, the variable PI can be given that value with a DATA 49455statement and used instead of the longer form of the constant. This 49456also simplifies modifying the program, should the value of pi change. 49457 -- FORTRAN manual for Xerox Computers 49458% 49459The primary requisite for any new tax law is for it to exempt enough 49460voters to win the next election. 49461% 49462The primary theme of SoupCon is communication. The acronym "LEO" 49463represents the secondary theme: 49464 49465 Law Enforcement Officials 49466 49467The overall theme of SoupCon shall be: 49468 49469 Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials 49470 -- M. Gallaher 49471% 49472The probability of someone watching you is directly 49473proportional to the stupidity of your action. 49474% 49475The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the 49476stupidity of your action. 49477% 49478The problem ... is that we have run out of dinosaurs to form oil with. 49479Scientists working for the Department of Energy have tried to form oil 49480using other animals; they've piled thousands of tons of sand and Middle 49481Eastern countries on top of cows, raccoons, haddock, laboratory rats, 49482etc., but so far all they have managed to do is run up an enormous 49483bulldozer-rental bill and anger a lot of Middle Eastern persons. None 49484of the animals turned into oil, although most of the laboratory rats 49485developed cancer. 49486 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 49487% 49488The problem that we thought was a problem was, indeed, 49489a problem, but not the problem we thought was the problem. 49490 -- Mike Smith 49491% 49492The problem with any unwritten law is that you don't know where to go 49493to erase it. 49494 -- Glaser and Way 49495% 49496The problem with engineers is that they tend to cheat in order to get 49497results. 49498 49499The problem with mathematicians is that they tend to work on toy 49500problems in order to get results. 49501 49502The problem with program verifiers is that they tend to cheat at toy 49503problems in order to get results. 49504% 49505The problem with graduate students, in general, is that they have 49506to sleep every few days. 49507% 49508The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my 49509time. My speed is very fast. Some ministers have had to drop out of my 49510government because they could not keep up. 49511 -- Idi Amin Dada 49512% 49513The problem with most conspiracy theories is that they seem to believe that 49514for a group of people to behave in a way detrimental to the common good 49515requires intent. 49516% 49517The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be 49518pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues. 49519 -- Elizabeth Taylor 49520% 49521The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard. 49522% 49523The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty 49524for incompetence. 49525% 49526The problems of business administration in general, and database management in 49527particular are much too difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded 49528with sloppy English. 49529 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 49530% 49531The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid, 49532stable business. 49533 -- John Steinbeck 49534% 49535The program isn't debugged until the last user is dead. 49536% 49537The programmers of old were mysterious and profound. We cannot fathom their 49538thoughts, so all we do is describe their appearance. 49539 Aware, like a fox crossing the water. Alert, like a general on the 49540battlefield. Kind, like a hostess greeting her guests. Simple, like uncarved 49541blocks of wood. Opaque, like black pools in darkened caves. 49542 Who can tell the secrets of their hearts and minds? 49543 The answer exists only in the Tao. 49544% 49545The proof of the pudding is in the eating. 49546 -- Miguel de Cervantes 49547% 49548The proof that IBM didn't invent the car is that it has a steering wheel 49549and an accelerator instead of spurs and ropes, to be compatible with a 49550horse. 49551 -- Jac Goudsmit 49552% 49553The propriety of some persons seems to consist in having improper 49554thoughts about their neighbours. 49555 -- F. H. Bradley 49556% 49557The Psblurtex is an 18-inch long anaconda that hides in the gentlemen's 49558outfitting departments of Amazonian stores and is often bought by 49559mistake since its colors are those of the London Reform Club. Once 49560tied around its victim's neck, it strangles him gently and then claims 49561the insurance before running off to Germany where it lives in hiding. 49562 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 49563% 49564The public demands certainties; it must be told definitely and a bit 49565raucously that this is true and that is false. But there are no 49566certainties. 49567 -- H. L. Mencken, "Prejudice" 49568% 49569The Public is merely a multiplied "me." 49570 -- Mark Twain 49571% 49572The Puritan hated bear-baiting, not because it gave pain to the bear, but 49573because it gave pleasure to the spectators. 49574 -- Thomas Macaulay, "History of England" 49575% 49576The purpose of Physics 7A is to make the engineers realize that they're 49577not perfect, and to make the rest of the people realize that they're not 49578engineers. 49579% 49580"The pyramid is opening!" 49581"Which one?" 49582"The one with the ever-widening hole in it!" 49583 -- The Firesign Theatre, "How Can You Be In Two Places 49584 At Once When You're Not Anywhere At All" 49585% 49586The qotc (quote of the con) was Liz's: 49587 "My brain is paged out to my liver" 49588% 49589The quality of a pun is in the "Oy!" of the beholder. 49590% 49591The Queen is most anxious to enlist every one who can speak or write to 49592join in checking this mad, wicked folly of "Woman's Rights", with all its 49593attendant horrors, on which her poor feeble sex is bent, forgetting every 49594sense of womanly feeling and propriety. Lady-- ought to get a good 49595whipping. It is a subject which makes the Queen so furious that she cannot 49596contain herself. God created men and women different -- then let them 49597remain each in their own position. 49598 -- Letter to Sir Theodore Martin, 29 May 1870, from 49599 Queen Victoria 49600% 49601The question is, why are politicians so eager to be president? What is 49602it about the job that makes it worth revealing, on national television, 49603that you have the ethical standards of a slime-coated piece of 49604industrial waste? 49605 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" 49606% 49607The questions remain the same. 49608The answers are eternally variable. 49609% 49610The Rabbits The Cow 49611Here is a verse about rabbits The cow is of the bovine ilk; 49612That doesn't mention their habits. One end is moo, the other, milk. 49613 -- Ogden Nash 49614% 49615The race is not always to the swift, nor the 49616battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet. 49617 -- Damon Runyon 49618% 49619The rain it raineth on the just 49620 And also on the unjust fella, 49621But chiefly on the just, because 49622 The unjust steals the just's umbrella. 49623 -- Lord Bowen 49624% 49625The Ranger isn't gonna like it, Yogi. 49626% 49627The rate at which a disease spreads through a corn field is a precise 49628measurement of the speed of blight. 49629% 49630The ratio of literacy to illiteracy is a constant, but nowadays the 49631illiterates can read. 49632 -- Alberto Moravia 49633% 49634The reader this message encounters not failing to understand is 49635cursed. 49636% 49637The real man's Bloody Mary: 49638 Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tabasco, Worcestershire 49639 sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery. 49640 49641 Fill a large tumbler with vodka. 49642 Throw all the other ingredients away. 49643% 49644The real problem with hunting elephants carrying the decoys. 49645% 49646The real purpose of books is to trap the mind into doing its own thinking. 49647 -- Christopher Morley 49648% 49649The real reason large families benefit society is because at least 49650a few of the children in the world shouldn't be raised by beginners. 49651% 49652The real reason psychology is hard is that 49653psychologists are trying to do the impossible. 49654% 49655The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music. 49656% 49657The reason computer chips are so small is computers don't eat much. 49658% 49659The reason it's called "Grape Nuts" is that it contains "dextrose", 49660which is also sometimes called "grape sugar", and also because "Grape 49661Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil 49662Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like. 49663 -- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's" 49664% 49665The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love. 49666 -- Don Rose 49667% 49668The reason that every major university maintains a department of 49669mathematics is that it's cheaper than institutionalizing all those 49670people. 49671% 49672The reason they're called wisdom teeth 49673is that the experience makes you wise. 49674% 49675The reason we come up with new versions is not to fix bugs. It's 49676absolutely not. 49677 -- Bill Gates 49678% 49679The reason why worry kills more people 49680than work is that more people worry than work. 49681% 49682The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one 49683persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all 49684progress depends on the unreasonable man. 49685 -- George Bernard Shaw 49686% 49687The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its 49688financial commitments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of 49689a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy 49690industry, Honduras because the coffee price went sour, Zaire because 49691nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country. 49692 -- Paul Erdman's Money Book 49693% 49694The relative importance of files depends on their cost 49695in terms of the human effort needed to regenerate them. 49696 -- T. A. Dolotta 49697% 49698The requirements of romantic love are difficult to satisfy in the trunk 49699of a Dodge Dart. 49700 -- Lisa Alther 49701% 49702The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher 49703Called a hen a most elegant creature. 49704 The hen, pleased with that, 49705 Laid an egg in his hat -- 49706And thus did the hen reward Beecher. 49707 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes 49708% 49709The reverse side also has a reverse side. 49710 -- Japanese proverb 49711% 49712The revolution will not be televised. 49713% 49714The reward for working hard is more hard work. 49715% 49716The reward of a thing well done is to have done it. 49717 -- Emerson 49718% 49719The rhino is a homely beast, 49720For human eyes he's not a feast. 49721Farewell, farewell, you old rhinoceros, 49722I'll stare at something less prepoceros. 49723 -- Ogden Nash 49724% 49725The rich get rich, and the poor get poorer. 49726The haves get more, the have-nots die. 49727% 49728The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body. This 49729means that only left handed people are in their right mind. 49730% 49731"The Right Honorable Gentleman is indebted to his memory for his jests 49732and to his imagination for his facts." 49733 -- Sheridan 49734% 49735The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be 49736taken seriously. 49737 -- Hubert H. Humphrey 49738% 49739The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom. 49740 -- Justice Douglas 49741% 49742The right to revolt has sources deep in our history. 49743 -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas 49744% 49745The rights and interests of the laboring man will be protected and cared 49746for not by our labor agitators, but by the Christian men to whom God in his 49747infinite wisdom has given control of property interests of the country, and 49748upon the successful management of which so much remains. 49749 -- George F. Baer, railroad industrialist 49750% 49751The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the 49752House Un-American Activities Committee]. We will determine what rights 49753you have and what rights you have not got. 49754 -- J. Parnell Thomas 49755% 49756The ripest fruit falls first. 49757 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" 49758% 49759The road to Hades is easy to travel. 49760 -- Bion 49761% 49762The road to hell is paved with good intentions. And littered with 49763sloppy analysis! 49764% 49765The road to hell is paved with NAND gates. 49766 -- J. Gooding 49767% 49768The road to ruin is always in good repair, 49769and the travellers pay the expense of it. 49770 -- Josh Billings 49771% 49772The Roman Rule 49773 The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the 49774 one who is doing it. 49775% 49776The root of all superstition is that men 49777observe when a thing hits, but not when it misses. 49778 -- Francis Bacon 49779% 49780The rose of yore is but a name, mere names are left to us. 49781% 49782The Ruffed Pandanga of Borneo and Rotherham spreads out his feathers in 49783his courtship dance and imitates Winston Churchill and Tommy Cooper on 49784one leg. The padanga is dying out because the female padanga doesn't 49785take it too seriously. 49786 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 49787% 49788The rule is, jam to-morrow and jam yesterday, but never jam today. 49789 -- Lewis Carroll 49790% 49791The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or 49792give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once. 49793 -- Jane Bryant Quinn 49794% 49795The rules are rather simple to understand: Under democracy you 49796can defend any view, but only defend it. You can not try to realize 49797it through power, violence or weapons. 49798 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 49799% 49800The rules: 49801 498021: Thou shalt not worship other computer systems. 498032: Thou shalt not impersonate Liberace or eat watermelon while sitting at 49804 the console keyboard. 498053: Thou shalt not slap users on the face, nor staple their silly little 49806 card decks together. 498074: Thou shalt not get physically involved with the computer system, 49808 especially if you're already married. 498095: Thou shalt not use magnetic tapes as frisbees, nor use a disk pack as 49810 a stool to reach another disk pack. 498116: Thou shalt not stare at the blinking lights for more than one 8 hour 49812 shift. 498137: Thou shalt not tell users that you accidentally destroyed their 49814 files/backup just to see the look on their little faces. 498158: Thou shalt not enjoy cancelling a job. 498169: Thou shalt not display firearms in the computer room. 4981710: Thou shalt not push buttons "just to see what happens". 49818% 49819The Russians have put a small ball up in the air. 49820That does not raise my apprehensions one iota. 49821 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 49822% 49823The salary of the chief executive of the large corporation is not a market 49824award for achievement. It is frequently in the nature of a warm personal 49825gesture by the individual to himself. 49826 -- John Kenneth Galbraith, "Annals of an Abiding Liberal" 49827% 49828The San Diego Freeway. Official Parking Lot of the 1984 Olympics! 49829% 49830The savior becomes the victim. 49831% 49832The scene: in a vast, painted desert, a cowboy faces his horse. 49833 49834Cowboy: "Well, you've been a pretty good hoss, I guess. Hardworkin'. 49835Not the fastest critter I ever come acrost, but..." 49836 49837Horse: "No, stupid, not feed*back*. I said I wanted a feed*bag*. 49838% 49839"The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography" 49840% 49841The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100 49842showed that all had these things in common: 49843 49844 (1) They all had moderate appetites. 49845 (2) They all came from middle class homes. 49846 (3) All but two of them were dead. 49847% 49848The scum also rises. 49849 -- Hunter S. Thompson 49850% 49851The search for the perfect martini is a fraud. The perfect martini is 49852a belt of gin from the bottle; anything else is the decadent trappings 49853of civilization. 49854 -- T. K. 49855% 49856The second best policy is dishonesty. 49857% 49858The Second Law of Thermodynamics: 49859 If you think things are in a mess now, just wait! 49860 -- Jim Warner 49861% 49862The secret of happiness is total disregard of everybody. 49863% 49864The secret of healthy hitchhiking is to eat junk food. 49865% 49866The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, 49867you've got it made. 49868 -- Jean Giraudoux 49869% 49870The secret source of humor is not joy but sorrow; 49871there is no humor in Heaven. 49872 -- Mark Twain 49873% 49874The sendmail configuration file is one of those files that looks like someone 49875beat their head on the keyboard. After working with it... I can see why! 49876 -- Harry Skelton 49877% 49878The seven deadly sins ... Food, clothing, firing, rent, taxes, 49879respectability and children. Nothing can lift those seven millstones 49880from Man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the 49881millstones are lifted. 49882 -- George Bernard Shaw 49883% 49884The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood as he 49885reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all. The Gray 49886Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in the palace 49887of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in twenty-five of 49888him are dead, he is alive. 49889 Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached 49890everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a fierce 49891host which out-numbers Lankhamar's inhabitants by fifty to one -- and 49892equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city." 49893 "How?" demanded Fafhrd. 49894 Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know." 49895 -- Fritz Leiber, "The Swords of Lankhmar" 49896% 49897The seven year itch comes from fooling around during the fourth, fifth, 49898and sixth years. 49899% 49900The Seventh Commandments for Technicians 49901 Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy 49902fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in 49903other ways. 49904% 49905The sheep died in the wool. 49906% 49907The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land. 49908% 49909The shifts of Fortune test the reliability of friends. 49910 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero 49911% 49912The shortest distance between any two puns is a straight line. 49913% 49914The shortest distance between two points is under construction. 49915 -- Noelie Alito 49916% 49917The Shuttle is now going five times the sound of speed. 49918 -- Dan Rather, first landing of Columbia 49919% 49920The six great gifts of an Irish girl are beauty, soft 49921voice, sweet speech, wisdom, needlework, and chastity. 49922 -- Theodore Roosevelt, 1907 49923% 49924The Sixth Commandment of Frisbee: 49925 The greatest single aid to distance is for the disc to be going 49926in a direction you did not want. (Goes the wrong way = Goes a long 49927way.) 49928 -- Dan Roddick 49929% 49930The sixth sheik's sixth sheep's sick. 49931 -- [just say that five times...] 49932% 49933The sky is blue so we know where to stop mowing. 49934 -- Judge Harold T. Stone 49935% 49936The smallest worm will turn being trodden on. 49937 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry VI" 49938% 49939The smiling Spring comes in rejoicing, 49940And surly Winter grimly flies. 49941Now crystal clear are the falling waters, 49942And bonnie blue are the sunny skies. 49943Fresh o'er the mountains breaks forth the morning, 49944The ev'ning gilds the oceans's swell: 49945All creatures joy in the sun's returning, 49946And I rejoice in my bonnie Bell. 49947 49948The flowery Spring leads sunny Summer, 49949The yellow Autumn presses near; 49950Then in his turn come gloomy Winter, 49951Till smiling Spring again appear. 49952Thus seasons dancing, life advancing, 49953Old Time and Nature their changes tell; 49954But never ranging, still unchanging, 49955I adore my bonnie Bell. 49956 -- Robert Burns, "My Bonnie Bell" 49957% 49958The so-called "desktop metaphor" of today's workstations is instead an 49959"airplane-seat" metaphor. Anyone who has shuffled a lap full of papers 49960while seated between two portly passengers will recognize the difference -- 49961one can see only a very few things at once. 49962 -- Frederick Brooks 49963% 49964The so-called lessons of history are for the most part the 49965rationalizations of the victors. History is written by the survivors. 49966 -- Max Lerner 49967% 49968"The society which scorns excellence in plumbing as a humble activity 49969and tolerates shoddiness in philosophy because it is an exalted 49970activity will have neither good plumbing nor good philosophy ... 49971neither its pipes nor its theories will hold water." 49972% 49973The soldier came knocking upon the queen's door 49974He said, "I am not fighting for you anymore" 49975The queen knew she had seen his face someplace before 49976And slowly she let him inside. 49977 49978He said, "I see you now, and you're so very young 49979But I've seen more battles lost than I have battles won 49980And I have this intuition that it's all for your fun 49981And now will you tell me why?" 49982 -- Suzanne Vega, "The Queen and The Soldier" 49983% 49984The solution of problems is the most characteristic 49985and peculiar sort of voluntary thinking. 49986 -- William James 49987% 49988The solution of this problem is trivial 49989and is left as an exercise for the reader. 49990% 49991The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem. 49992 -- Peer 49993% 49994The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from 49995his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was 49996sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and 49997active, and had the strange notion that church should also be active and 49998exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little disappointed with the 49999dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it. 50000 For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and 50001vestments, but lead the service wearing a nice 2-piece suit. The congregation 50002was horrified! He changed the order of the service. The congregation was 50003horrified! Then came the children's lesson. 50004 For this he came out of the pulpit, and sat on the communion table. 50005The congregation was mortified! He sat there swinging his legs against 50006the table as the children gathered around him. 50007 He asked the children, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?" 50008 There was total silence. 50009 He asked again, "What's small, brown, furry and eats nuts?" 50010 Total silence. 50011 Eventually, one timid youngster put up his hand and said, "Please, 50012sir, I know the answer is Jesus, but it sure sounds like a squirrel to me." 50013% 50014"The sooner all the animals are dead, the sooner we'll find their 50015money." 50016 -- Ed Bluestone, "The National Lampoon" 50017% 50018The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up! 50019% 50020The sooner you make your first 5000 mistakes, the sooner you will be 50021able to correct them. 50022 -- Nicolaides 50023% 50024The soul would have no rainbow had the eyes no tears. 50025% 50026The sounds of the nouns are mostly unbound. 50027In town a noun might wear a gown, 50028or further down, might dress a clown. 50029A noun that's sound would never clown, 50030but unsound nouns jump up and down. 50031The sound of a noun could disturb the plowing, 50032and then, my dear, you'd be put in the pound. 50033But please don't let that get you down, 50034the renown of your gown is the talk of the town. 50035 -- A. Nonnie Mouse 50036% 50037The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average Russian's 50038readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement of 50039some pieces of wood. Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet 50040reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led 50041the field for many years in both chess and ax murders. It is well 50042known that as early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at 50043Reykjavik would do to national prestige, implemented a vigorous program 50044of preparation and incentive. Every day for an entire year, a team of 50045psychologists, chess analysts and coaches met with the top three 50046Russian grand masters and threatened them with a pointy stick. That 50047these tactics proved fruitless is now a part of chess history and a 50048further testament to the American way, which provides that if you want 50049something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from 50050the Russians. 50051 -- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973 50052% 50053The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet 50054themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week 50055against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat 50056Russian, get off my Ford Escort." 50057 -- Dennis Miller 50058% 50059The speed of anything depends on the flow of everything. 50060% 50061The spirit of Plato dies hard. We have been unable to escape the 50062philosophical tradition that what we can see and measure in the world 50063is merely the superficial and imperfect representation of an underlying 50064reality. 50065 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" 50066% 50067The star of riches is shining upon you. 50068% 50069The startling truth finally became apparent, and it was this: Numbers 50070written on restaurant checks within the confines of restaurants do not 50071follow the same mathematical laws as numbers written on any other pieces 50072of paper in any other parts of the Universe. This single statement took 50073the scientific world by storm. So many mathematical conferences got held 50074in such good restaurants that many of the finest minds of a generation 50075died of obesity and heart failure, and the science of mathematics was put 50076back by years. 50077 -- Douglas Adams, "Life, The Universe and Everything" 50078% 50079The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub. 50080% 50081The state of innocence contains the germs of all future sin. 50082 -- Alexandre Arnoux, "Etudes et caprices" 50083% 50084The steady state of disks is full. 50085 -- Ken Thompson 50086% 50087The story of the butterfly: 50088 "I was in Bogota and waiting for a lady friend. I was in love, 50089a long time ago. I waited three days. I was hungry but could not go 50090out for food, lest she come and I not be there to greet her. Then, on 50091the third day, I heard a knock." 50092 "I hurried along the old passage and there, in the sunlight, 50093there was nothing." 50094 "Just," Vance Joy said, "a butterfly, flying away." 50095 -- Peter Carey, BLISS 50096% 50097The story you are about to hear is true. 50098Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent. 50099% 50100The street preacher looked so baffled 50101When I asked him why he dressed 50102With forty pounds of headlines 50103Stapled to his chest. 50104But he cursed me when I proved to him 50105I said, "Not even you can hide. 50106You see, you're just like me. 50107I hope you're satisfied." 50108 -- Bob Dylan 50109% 50110The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make 50111them unsafe. 50112 -- Mayor Frank Rizzo 50113% 50114The streets were dark with something more than night. 50115 -- Raymond Chandler 50116% 50117The strong give up and move on, while the weak give up and stay. 50118% 50119The strong individual loves the earth so much he lusts for recurrence. He 50120can smile in the face of the most terrible thought: meaningless, aimless 50121existence recurring eternally. The second characteristic of such a man is 50122that he has the strength to recognise -- and to live with the recognition -- 50123that the world is valueless in itself and that all values are human ones. 50124He creates himself by fashioning his own values; he has the pride to live 50125by the values he wills. 50126 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 50127% 50128"The student in question is performing minimally for his peer group and 50129is an emerging underachiever." 50130% 50131The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant 50132biology. 50133% 50134"The subspace _W inherits the other 8 properties of _V. And there aren't 50135even any property taxes." 50136 -- J. MacKay, Mathematics 134b 50137% 50138The sudden sight of me causes panic in the streets. They have 50139yet to learn - only the savage fears what he does not understand. 50140 -- The Silver Surfer 50141% 50142The sum of the intelligence of the world is constant. 50143The population is, of course, growing. 50144% 50145The sum of the Universe is zero. 50146% 50147The sun never sets on those who ride into it. 50148 -- RKO 50149% 50150The sun was shining on the sea, 50151Shining with all his might: 50152He did his very best to make 50153The billows smooth and bright -- 50154And this was very odd, because it was 50155The middle of the night. 50156 -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass" 50157% 50158The sunlights differ, but there is only one darkness. 50159 -- Ursula K. LeGuin, "The Dispossessed" 50160% 50161The superfluous is very necessary. 50162 -- Voltaire 50163% 50164The superior man understands what is right; 50165the inferior man understands what will sell. 50166 -- Confucius 50167% 50168The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed. 50169% 50170The surest protection against temptation is cowardice. 50171 -- Mark Twain 50172% 50173The surest sign that a man is in love is when he divorces his wife. 50174% 50175The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher 50176esteem those who think alike than those who think differently. 50177 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 50178% 50179The surest way to remain a winner is to 50180win once, and then not play any more. 50181% 50182The sweeter the apple, the blacker the core -- 50183Scratch a lover and find a foe! 50184 -- Dorothy Parker, "Ballad of a Great Weariness" 50185% 50186The system was down for backups from 5am to 10am last Saturday. 50187% 50188The system will be down for 10 days for preventative maintenance. 50189% 50190The Tao doesn't take sides; 50191it gives birth to both wins and losses. 50192The Guru doesn't take sides; 50193she welcomes both hackers and lusers. 50194 50195The Tao is like a stack: 50196the data changes but not the structure. 50197the more you use it, the deeper it becomes; 50198the more you talk of it, the less you understand. 50199 50200Hold on to the root. 50201% 50202The Tao is like a glob pattern: 50203used but never used up. 50204It is like the extern void: 50205filled with infinite possibilities. 50206 50207It is masked but always present. 50208I don't know who built to it. 50209It came before the first kernel. 50210% 50211The tao that can be tar(1)ed 50212is not the entire Tao. 50213The path that can be specified 50214is not the Full Path. 50215 50216We declare the names 50217of all variables and functions. 50218Yet the Tao has no type specifier. 50219 50220Dynamically binding, you realize the magic. 50221Statically binding, you see only the hierarchy. 50222 50223Yet magic and hierarchy 50224arise from the same source, 50225and this source has a null pointer. 50226 50227Reference the NULL within NULL, 50228it is the gateway to all wizardry. 50229% 50230The technician should never forget that he is an artist, the 50231artist never that he is a technician. 50232 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 50233% 50234The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer 50235them a drink. 50236 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview" 50237% 50238The temperature of Heaven can be rather accurately computed from available 50239data. Our authority is Isaiah 30:26, "Moreover, the light of the Moon 50240shall be as the light of the Sun and the light of the Sun shall be sevenfold, 50241as the light of seven days." Thus Heaven receives from the Moon as much 50242radiation as we do from the Sun, and in addition seven times seven (49) times 50243as much as the Earth does from the Sun, or fifty times in all. The light we 50244receive from the Moon is one ten-thousandth of the light we receive from the 50245Sun, so we can ignore that. With these data we can compute the temperature 50246of Heaven. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where 50247the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation, 50248i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using 50249the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute 50250temperature of the earth (~300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact 50251temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the 50252temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas. 50253Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their 50254part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten 50255brimstone means that its temperature must be at or below the boiling point, 50256or 444.6C (Above this point it would be a vapor, not a lake.) We have, 50257then, that Heaven, at 525C is hotter than Hell at 445C. 50258 -- "Applied Optics", vol. 11, A14, 1972 50259% 50260The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly ogled 50261culinary vessel will not achieve 100 degrees on the Celsius scale. 50262% 50263The Ten Commandments for Technicians: 50264 1: Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged 50265 capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a 50266 most untechnician-like manner. 50267 50268 7: Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy 50269 fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console 50270 her in other ways. 50271% 50272The term "fire" brings up visions of violence and mayhem and the ugly scene 50273of shooting employees who make mistakes. We will now refer to this process 50274as "deleting" an employee (much as a file is deleted from a disk). The 50275employee is simply there one instant, and gone the next. All the terrible 50276temper tantrums, crying, and threats are eliminated. 50277 -- Kenny's Korner 50278% 50279The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed 50280ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function. 50281 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald 50282% 50283The test of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts. 50284 -- Aldo Leopold 50285% 50286The thing that takes up the least amount of time 50287and causes the most amount of trouble is sex. 50288% 50289The things that interest people most are usually none of their business. 50290% 50291The Third Law of Photography: 50292 If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined 50293when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of the dark 50294leaks out. 50295% 50296The thought of being President frightens me and I do not think I 50297want the job. 50298 -- Ronald Reagan in 1973 50299 50300Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he 50301would have lost. 50302 -- Mort Sahl 50303 50304Ronald Reagan is a triumph of the embalmer's art. 50305 -- Gore Vidal 50306 50307Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey, I'm a big good-looking guy and 50308I need a lot of sleep. 50309 -- Roy G. Blount, Jr. 50310 50311You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because when you quote him 50312accurately it's called mudslinging. 50313 -- Walter Mondale 50314% 50315The Thought Police are here. They've come 50316To put you under cardiac arrest. 50317And as they drag you through the door 50318They tell you that you've failed the test. 50319 -- Buggles, "Living in the Plastic Age" 50320% 50321The three best things about going to school are June, July, and August. 50322% 50323The three biggest software lies: 50324 50325 1: *Of course* we'll give you a copy of the source. 50326 2: *Of course* the third party vendor we bought that from 50327 will fix the microcode. 50328 3: Beta test site? No, *of course* you're not a beta test site. 50329% 50330The three laws of thermodynamics: 50331 (1) You can't get anything without working for it. 50332 (2) The most you can accomplish by working is to break even. 50333 (3) You can only break even at absolute zero. 50334% 50335THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND: 50336 503371) Where's the bathroom? 503382) What time does the parade start? 503393) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it? 50340% 50341The three questions of greatest concern are -- 1. Is it attractive? 503422. Is it amusing? 3. Does it know its place? 50343 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 50344% 50345The three rules of international air travel: 50346 50347(1) Never fly on Aeroflot if you can possibly avoid it (this used 50348 to be Braniff or Aeroflot). 50349(2) Never bet a whole lot of money on two little pairs unless you 50350 know *exactly* what you're doing. 50351(3) Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own. 50352% 50353The thrill is here, but it won't last long 50354You'd better have your fun before it moves along... 50355% 50356The time for action is past! 50357Now is the time for senseless bickering. 50358% 50359The time is right to make new friends. 50360% 50361The time spent on any item of the agenda [of a finance 50362committee] will be in inverse proportion to the sum involved. 50363 -- C. N. Parkinson 50364% 50365The time was the 19th of May, 1780. The place was Hartford, Connecticut. 50366The day has gone down in New England history as a terrible foretaste of 50367Judgement Day. For at noon the skies turned from blue to grey and by 50368mid-afternoon had blackened over so densely that, in that religious age, 50369men fell on their knees and begged a final blessing before the end came. 50370The Connecticut House of Representatives was in session. And, as some of 50371the men fell down and others clamored for an immediate adjournment, the 50372Speaker of the House, one Col. Davenport, came to his feet. He silenced 50373them and said these words: "The day of judgment is either approaching or 50374it is not. If it is not, there is no cause for adjournment. If it is, I 50375choose to be found doing my duty. I wish therefore that candles may be 50376brought." 50377 -- Alistair Cooke 50378% 50379The tree in which the sap is stagnant remains fruitless. 50380 -- Hosea Ballou 50381% 50382The Tree of Learning bears the noblest fruit, but noble fruit tastes bad. 50383% 50384The tree of research must from time to time 50385be refreshed with the blood of bean counters. 50386 -- Alan Kay 50387% 50388The trouble is, there is an endless supply of White Men, 50389but there has always been a limited number of Human Beings. 50390 -- Little Big Man 50391% 50392The trouble with a kitten is that 50393When it grows up, it's always a cat 50394 -- Ogden Nash 50395% 50396The trouble with a lot of self-made men is that they worship their creator. 50397% 50398The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time. 50399% 50400The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate 50401it. 50402 -- Franklin P. Jones 50403% 50404The trouble with being punctual is that people think you have nothing 50405more important to do. 50406% 50407The trouble with computers is that they do 50408what you tell them, not what you want. 50409 -- D. Cohen 50410% 50411The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody 50412appreciates how difficult it was. 50413% 50414The trouble with eating Italian food is that 50415five or six days later you're hungry again. 50416 -- George Miller 50417% 50418The trouble with heart disease is that the first 50419symptom is often hard to deal with: death. 50420 -- Michael Phelps 50421% 50422The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives. 50423 -- George S. Kaufman 50424% 50425The trouble with money is it costs too much! 50426% 50427The trouble with opportunity is that it 50428always comes disguised as hard work. 50429 -- Herbert V. Prochnow 50430% 50431The trouble with some women is that they get 50432all excited about nothing -- and then marry him. 50433 -- Cher 50434% 50435The trouble with superheros is what to do between phone booths. 50436 -- Ken Kesey 50437% 50438The trouble with telling a good story is that it invariably reminds 50439the other fellow of a dull one. 50440 -- Sid Caesar 50441% 50442The trouble with the rat-race is that even if you win, you're still a rat. 50443 -- Lily Tomlin 50444% 50445The trouble with this country is that there are too many politicians 50446who believe, with a conviction based on experience, that you can fool 50447all of the people all of the time. 50448 -- Franklin Adams 50449% 50450The trouble with you 50451Is the trouble with me. 50452Got two good eyes 50453But we still don't see. 50454 -- Robert Hunter, "Workingman's Dead" 50455% 50456The true way goes over a rope which is not stretched at any great 50457height but just above the ground. It seems more designed to make 50458people stumble than to be walked upon. 50459 -- Franz Kafka 50460% 50461The truth about a man lies first and foremost in what he hides. 50462 -- Andre Malraux 50463% 50464The truth is rarely pure, and never simple. 50465 -- Oscar Wilde 50466% 50467The truth is what is; what should be is a dirty lie. 50468 -- Lenny Bruce 50469% 50470The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with its credibility. And 50471vice versa. 50472% 50473The truth of a thing is the feel of it, not the think of it. 50474 -- Stanley Kubrick 50475% 50476The Truth Shall Rape You Over. 50477 -- Caltech 50478% 50479The truth you speak has no past and no future. 50480It is, and that's all it needs to be. 50481% 50482The turtle lives 'twixt plated decks 50483Which practically conceal its sex. 50484I think it clever of the turtle 50485In such a fix to be so fertile. 50486 -- Ogden Nash 50487% 50488The two most beautiful words in the English language are "Cheque Enclosed." 50489 -- Dorothy Parker 50490% 50491"The two most common things in the universe are hydrogen and 50492stupidity." 50493 -- Harlan Ellison 50494% 50495The two oldest professions in the world have been ruined by amateurs. 50496 -- George Bernard Shaw 50497% 50498The two party system ... is a triumph of the dialectic. It showed that 50499two could be one and one could be two and had probably been fabricated 50500by Hegel for the American market on a subcontract from General Dynamics. 50501 -- I. F. Stone 50502% 50503The two things that can get you into trouble 50504quicker than anything else are fast women and slow horses. 50505% 50506The typewriting machine, when played with expression, is no more 50507annoying than the piano when played by a sister or near relation. 50508 -- Oscar Wilde 50509% 50510The, uh, snowy mountains are like really cold, eh? 50511And the, um, plains stretch out like my moms girdle, eh? 50512There's lotsa beers and doughnuts for everyone, eh? 50513So the last one to be peaceful and everything is a big idiot, 50514Eh? 50515So shut yer face up and dry yer mukluks by the fire, eh? 50516And dream about girls with their high beams on, eh? 50517They may be cold, but that's okay! Beer's better that way! 50518Eh? 50519 -- A, like, Tribute to the Great White North, eh? 50520Beauty! 50521% 50522The ultimate game show will be the one 50523where somebody gets killed at the end. 50524 -- Chuck Barris, creator of "The Gong Show" 50525% 50526The unfacts, did we have them, are too 50527imprecisely few to warrant out certitude. 50528% 50529The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are 50530"100 percent American"... 50531 -- U.S. Army (1945) 50532% 50533The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to 50534everybody and still nobody likes him. 50535 -- Jim Samuels 50536% 50537The universe does not have laws -- it has habits, and habits can be 50538broken. 50539% 50540The universe is all a spin-off of the Big Bang. 50541% 50542The universe is an island, 50543surrounded by whatever it is that surrounds universes. 50544% 50545The universe is laughing behind your back. 50546% 50547The universe is like a safe to which there is a combination -- but the 50548combination is locked up in the safe. 50549 -- Peter DeVries 50550% 50551The Universe is populated by stable things. 50552 -- Richard Dawkins 50553% 50554The universe is ruled by letting things take their course. 50555It cannot be ruled by interfering. 50556 -- Chinese proverb 50557% 50558The universe seems neither benign nor hostile, merely indifferent. 50559 -- Sagan 50560% 50561The University of California Bears announced the signing of Reggie 50562Philbin to a letter of intent to attend Cal next Fall. Philbin is said 50563to make up for no talent by cheating well. Says Philbin of his 50564decision to attend Cal, "I'm in it for the free ride." 50565% 50566The University of California Statistics Department; where mean is normal, 50567and deviation standard. 50568% 50569The UNIX philosophy basically involves giving you enough rope to 50570hang yourself. And then a couple of feet more, just to be sure. 50571% 50572The urge to gamble is so universal and its practice so pleasurable 50573that I assume it must be evil. 50574 -- Heywood Broun 50575% 50576The USA is so enormous, and so numerous are its schools, colleges and 50577religious seminaries, many devoted to special religious beliefs ranging 50578from the unorthodox to the dotty, that we can hardly wonder at its 50579yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the 50580world put together. 50581 -- Sir Peter Medawar 50582% 50583The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems 50584is a symptom of professional immaturity. 50585 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 50586% 50587The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be 50588regarded as a criminal offence. 50589 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5 50590% 50591The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money. 50592 -- Benjamin Franklin 50593% 50594The value of a program is proportional to the weight of its output. 50595% 50596The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes 50597the worst cigars. 50598 -- H. L. Mencken 50599% 50600The very ink with which all history is written is merely fluid 50601prejudice. 50602 -- Mark Twain 50603% 50604The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common. 50605Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts 50606to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to 50607be one of the facts that needs altering. 50608 -- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil" 50609% 50610The very remembrance of my former misfortune proves a new one to me. 50611 -- Miguel de Cervantes 50612% 50613The Vet Who Surprised A Cow 50614 In the course of his duties in August 1977, a Dutch veterinary 50615surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate its internal 50616gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial 50617expression and struck a match. The jet of flame set fire first to some 50618bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000. 50619The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to 50620the magistrates. The cow escaped with shock. 50621 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 50622% 50623The VFW represents many who died to give this country a second chance 50624to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth. 50625 -- John Wayne 50626% 50627The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases. 50628 -- Jerry Brown 50629% 50630The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh 50631restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks, 50632dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress. She 50633sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table, 50634then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend. 50635A man seated on the other side of the room with a date of his own beckoned 50636to the waiter and said, "We'll have two of whatever she was drinking." 50637% 50638"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..." 50639% 50640"The wages of sin are death; but after they're done taking out taxes, 50641it's just a tired feeling:" 50642% 50643The wages of sin are high but you get your money's worth. 50644% 50645The wages of sin are unreported. 50646% 50647The War on Drugs is just a small part of the War on the United States 50648Constitution. 50649% 50650"The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity 50651that would be clearly understood." 50652 -- Alexander Haig 50653% 50654The water was not fit to drink. 50655To make it palatable, we had to add whiskey. 50656By diligent effort, I learned to like it. 50657 -- Winston Churchill 50658% 50659The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a combination of evil and 50660incompetence... sort of like the Post Office with tanks. 50661 -- Emo Philips 50662% 50663The way of the world is to praise dead saints and prosecute live ones. 50664 -- Nathaniel Howe 50665% 50666The way some people find fault, you'd think there was some kind of reward. 50667% 50668The way to a man's heart is through his 50669wife's belly, and don't you forget it. 50670 -- Edward Albee, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?" 50671% 50672The way to a man's heart is through the left ventricle. 50673% 50674The way to a man's stomach is through his esophagus. 50675% 50676The way to fight a woman is with your hat. Grab it and run. 50677% 50678The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost. 50679% 50680"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start 50681with a large fortune." 50682% 50683The weather is here, I wish you were beautiful. 50684My thoughts aren't too clear, but don't run away. 50685My girlfriend's a bore; my job is too dutiful. 50686Hell nobody's perfect, would you like to play? 50687I feel together today! 50688 -- Jimmy Buffet, "Coconut Telegraph" 50689% 50690The weed of crime bears bitter fruit. 50691% 50692The weed of crime bears bitter fruit... 50693but the leaves are good to smoke! 50694 -- The Shadow 50695% 50696The White Rabbit put on his spectacles. 50697 "Where shall I begin, please your Majesty?" he asked. 50698 "Begin at the beginning,", the King said, very gravely, 50699"and go on till you come to the end: then stop." 50700 -- Lewis Carroll 50701% 50702The white race is the cancer of history. 50703 -- Susan Sontag 50704% 50705The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak. 50706 -- Wavy Gravy 50707% 50708The whole of life is futile unless you 50709consider it as a sporting proposition. 50710% 50711The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always 50712so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts. 50713 -- Bertrand Russell 50714% 50715The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively. 50716 -- Peter Beard 50717% 50718The whole world is a tuxedo and you are a pair of brown shoes. 50719 -- George Gobel 50720% 50721The wind doth taste so bitter sweet, 50722 Like Jaspar wine and sugar, 50723It must have blown through someone's feet, 50724 Like those of Caspar Weinberger. 50725 -- P. Opus 50726% 50727The wise and intelligent are coming belatedly to realize that alcohol, and 50728not the dog, is man's best friend. Rover is taking a beating -- and he 50729should. 50730 -- W. C. Fields 50731% 50732The wise man seeks everything in himself; 50733the ignorant man tries to get everything from somebody else. 50734% 50735The wise shepherd never trusts his flock to a smiling wolf. 50736% 50737The woman hurried home from her doctor's appointment, devastated by the 50738medical report she had just received. When her husband came in from work, 50739she told him, "Darling, the doctor said I have only twelve more hours to 50740live. So I've decided I want to go to bed and make passionate love to you 50741throughout the night. How does that sound, dearest?" 50742 "Hey, that's fine for *you*," replied the husband. "You don't have 50743to get up in the morning!" 50744% 50745The wonderful thing about a dancing bear 50746is not how well he dances, but that he dances at all. 50747% 50748The work [of software development] is becoming far easier (i.e. the tools 50749we're using work at a higher level, more removed from machine, peripheral 50750and operating system imperatives) than it was twenty years ago, and because 50751of this, knowledge of the internals of a system may become less accessible. 50752We may be able to dig deeper holes, but unless we know how to build taller 50753ladders, we had best hope that it does not rain much. 50754 -- Paul Licker 50755% 50756The world has many unintentionally cruel mechanisms that are not 50757designed for people who walk on their hands. 50758 -- John Irving, "The World According to Garp" 50759% 50760The world is a comedy to those who think, 50761and a tragedy to those who feel. 50762 -- Horace Walpole 50763% 50764The world is coming to an end. Please log off. 50765% 50766The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books! 50767% 50768The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!! 50769% 50770The world is full of people who have never, since 50771childhood, met an open doorway with an open mind. 50772 -- E. B. White 50773% 50774The world is moving so fast these days that the man who says 50775it can't be done is generally interrupted by someone doing it. 50776 -- E. Hubbard 50777% 50778The world is not octal despite DEC. 50779% 50780The world is your exercise-book, the pages on which you do your sums. 50781It is not reality, although you can express reality there if you wish. 50782You are also free to write nonsense, or lies, or to tear the pages. 50783 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul 50784% 50785The world needs more people like us and fewer like them. 50786% 50787The world really isn't any worse. 50788It's just that the news coverage is so much better. 50789% 50790The world wants to be deceived. 50791 -- Sebastian Brant 50792% 50793The world will end in 5 minutes. Please log out. 50794% 50795The world's as ugly as sin, 50796And almost as delightful. 50797 -- Frederick Locker-Lampson 50798% 50799The world's great men have not commonly been great scholars, 50800nor its great scholars great men. 50801 -- Oliver Wendell Holmes 50802% 50803The Worst American Poet 50804 Julia Moore, "the Sweet Singer of Michigan" (1847-1920) was so bad that 50805Mark Twain said her first book gave him joy for 20 years. 50806 Her verse was mainly concerned with violent death -- the great fire 50807of Chicago and the yellow fever epidemic proved natural subjects for her 50808pen. 50809 Whether death was by drowning, by fits or by runaway sleigh, the 50810formula was the same: 50811 Have you heard of the dreadful fate 50812 Of Mr. P. P. Bliss and wife? 50813 Of their death I will relate, 50814 And also others lost their life 50815 (in the) Ashbula Bridge disaster, 50816 Where so many people died. 50817 Even if you started out reasonably healthy in one of Julia's poems, 50818the chances are that after a few stanzas you would be at the bottom of a 50819river or struck by lightning. A critic of the day said she was "worse than 50820a Gatling gun" and in one slim volume counted 21 killed and 9 wounded. 50821 Incredibly, some newspapers were critical of her work, even 50822suggesting that the sweet singer was "semi-literate". Her reply was 50823forthright: "The Editors that has spoken in this scandalous manner have went 50824beyond reason." She added that "literary work is very difficult to do". 50825 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 50826% 50827THE WORST ANIMAL RESCUE 50828 50829During the firemen's strike of 1978, the British Army had taken over 50830emergency firefighting and on 14 January they were called out by an 50831elderly lady in South London to retrieve her cat which had become trapped 50832up a tree. They arrived with impressive haste and soon discharged their 50833duty. So grateful was the lady that she invited them all in for tea. 50834Driving off later, with fond farewells completed, they ran over the cat 50835and killed it. 50836 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 50837% 50838THE WORST BANK ROBBERY 50839 50840In August 1975 three men were on their way in to rob the Royal Bank of 50841Scotland at Rothesay, when they got stuck in the revolving doors. They 50842had to be helped free by the staff and, after thanking everyone, 50843sheepishly left the building. 50844A few minutes later they returned and announced their intention of 50845robbing the bank, but none of the staff believed them. When they demanded 508465,000 pounds in cash, the head cashier laughed at them, convinced that it 50847was a practical joke. 50848Then one of the men jumped over the counter, but fell to the floor 50849clutching his ankle. The other two tried to make their getaway, but got 50850trapped in the revolving doors again. 50851% 50852The Worst Car Hire Service 50853 When David Schwartz left university in 1972, he set up Rent-a-wreck 50854as a joke. Being a natural prankster, he acquired a fleet of beat-up 50855shabby, wreckages waiting for the scrap heap in California. 50856 He put on a cap and looked forward to watching people's faces as he 50857conducted them round the choice of bumperless, dented junkmobiles. 50858 To his lasting surprise there was an insatiable demand for them and 50859he now has 26 thriving branches all over America. "People like driving 50860round in the worst cars available," he said. Of course they do. 50861 "If a driver damages the side of a car and is honest enough to 50862admit it, I tell him, `Forget it'. If they bring a car back late we 50863overlook it. If they've had a crash and it doesn't involve another vehicle 50864we might overlook that too." 50865 "Where's the ashtray?" asked one Los Angeles wife, as she settled 50866into the ripped interior. "Honey," said her husband, "the whole car's the 50867ash tray." 50868 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 50869% 50870The worst cliques are those which consist of one man. 50871 -- George Bernard Shaw 50872% 50873THE WORST HOMING PIGEON 50874 50875This historic bird was released in Pembrokeshire in June 1953 and was 50876expected to reach its base that evening. It was returned by post, dead, 50877in a cardboard box eleven years later from Brazil. 50878 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 50879% 50880The worst is enemy of the bad. 50881% 50882The worst is not so long as we can say "This is the worst." 50883 -- King Lear 50884% 50885The Worst Jury 50886 A murder trial at Manitoba in February 1978 was well advanced, when 50887one juror revealed that he was completely deaf and did not have the 50888remotest clue what was happening. 50889 The judge, Mr. Justice Solomon, asked him if he had heard any 50890evidence at all and, when there was no reply, dismissed him. 50891 The excitement which this caused was only equalled when a second 50892juror revealed that he spoke not a word of English. A fluent French 50893speaker, he exhibited great surprised when told, after two days, that he 50894was hearing a murder trial. 50895 The trial was abandoned when a third juror said that he suffered 50896from both conditions, being simultaneously unversed in the English language 50897and nearly as deaf as the first juror. 50898 The judge ordered a retrial. 50899 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 50900% 50901The Worst Lines of Verse 50902For a start, we can rule out James Grainger's promising line: 50903 "Come, muse, let us sing of rats." 50904Grainger (1721-67) did not have the courage of his convictions and deleted 50905these words on discovering that his listeners dissolved into spontaneous 50906laughter the instant they were read out. 50907 No such reluctance afflicted Adam Lindsay Gordon (1833-70) who was 50908inspired by the subject of war. 50909 "Flash! flash! bang! bang! and we blazed away, 50910 And the grey roof reddened and rang; 50911 Flash! flash! and I felt his bullet flay 50912 The tip of my ear. Flash! bang!" 50913By contrast, Cheshire cheese provoked John Armstrong (1709-79): 50914 "... that which Cestria sends, tenacious paste of solid milk..." 50915While John Bidlake was guided by a compassion for vegetables: 50916 "The sluggard carrot sleeps his day in bed, 50917 The crippled pea alone that cannot stand." 50918George Crabbe (1754-1832) wrote: 50919 "And I was ask'd and authorized to go 50920 To seek the firm of Clutterbuck and Co." 50921William Balmford explored the possibilities of religious verse: 50922 "So 'tis with Christians, Nature being weak 50923 While in this world, are liable to leak." 50924And William Wordsworth showed that he could do it if he really tried when 50925describing a pond: 50926 "I've measured it from side to side; 50927 Tis three feet long and two feet wide." 50928 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 50929% 50930The Worst Musical Trio 50931 There are few bad musicians who have a chance to give a recital at 50932a famous concert hall while still learning the rudiments of their 50933instrument. This happened about thirty years ago to the son of a Rumanian 50934gentleman who was owed a personal favour by Georges Enesco, the celebrated 50935violinist. Enesco agreed to give lessons to the son who was quite 50936unhampered by great musical talent. 50937 Three years later the boy's father insisted that he give a public 50938concert. "His aunt said that nobody plays the violin better than he does. 50939A cousin heard him the other day and screamed with enthusiasm." Although 50940Enesco feared the consequences, he arranged a recital at the Salle Gaveau 50941in Paris. However, nobody bought a ticket since the soloist was unknown. 50942 "Then you must accompany him on the piano," said the boy's father, 50943"and it will be a sell out." 50944 Reluctantly, Enesco agreed and it was. On the night an excited 50945audience gathered. Before the concert began Enesco became nervous and 50946asked for someone to turn his pages. 50947 In the audience was Alfred Cortot, the brilliant pianist, who 50948volunteered and made his way to the stage. 50949 The soloist was of uniformly low standard and next morning the 50950music critic of Le Figaro wrote: "There was a strange concert at the Salle 50951Gaveau last night. The man whom we adore when he plays the violin played 50952the piano. Another whom we adore when he plays the piano turned the pages. 50953But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin." 50954 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 50955% 50956The worst part of having success is trying 50957to find someone who is happy for you. 50958 -- Bette Midler 50959% 50960The worst part of valor is indiscretion. 50961% 50962The Worst Prison Guards 50963 The largest number of convicts ever to escape simultaneously from a 50964maximum security prison is 124. This record is held by Alcoente Prison, 50965near Lisbon in Portugal. 50966 During the weeks leading up to the escape in July 1978 the prison 50967warders had noticed that attendances had fallen at film shows which 50968included "The Great Escape", and also that 220 knives and a huge quantity 50969of electric cable had disappeared. A guard explained, "Yes, we were 50970planning to look for them, but never got around to it." The warders had 50971not, however, noticed the gaping holes in the wall because they were 50972"covered with posters". Nor did they detect any of the spades, chisels, 50973water hoses and electric drills amassed by the inmates in large quantities. 50974The night before the breakout one guard had noticed that of the 36 50975prisoners in his block only 13 were present. He said this was "normal" 50976because inmates sometimes missed roll-call or hid, but usually came back 50977the next morning. 50978 "We only found out about the escape at 6:30 the next morning when 50979one of the prisoners told us," a warder said later. [...] When they 50980eventually checked, the prison guards found that exactly half of the gaol's 50981population was missing. By way of explanation the Justice Minister, Dr. 50982Santos Pais, claimed that the escape was "normal" and part of the 50983"legitimate desire of the prisoner to regain his liberty." 50984 -- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures" 50985% 50986The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, 50987but to be indifferent to them; that's the essence of inhumanity. 50988 -- George Bernard Shaw 50989% 50990The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they 50991are sober. 50992 -- William Butler Yeats 50993% 50994The worst thing one can do is not to try, to be aware of what one 50995wants and not give in to it, to spend years in silent hurt wondering 50996if something could have materialized -- and never knowing. 50997 -- David Viscott 50998% 50999The Wright Brothers weren't the first to fly. 51000They were just the first not to crash. 51001% 51002The yankees, son, are up north. 51003The damnyankees are down here. 51004% 51005The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of 51006four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all 51007the answers. 51008% 51009The young Georgia miss came to the hospital for a checkup. 51010 "Have you been X-rayed?" asked the doctor. 51011 "Nope," she said, "but ah've been ultraviolated." 51012% 51013The young lady had an unusual list, 51014Linked in part to a structural weakness. 51015She set no preconditions. 51016% 51017The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means 51018to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he 51019found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day. 51020He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the 51021rates were only $70. The following morning he went down to the hotel's 51022golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls. 51023"Sure," said Scotty. "That'll be $25 apiece." 51024 "What?" screamed the bachelor. "In the hotel across the street 51025they only charge $1 a ball!" 51026 "Naturally," replied the pro. "Over there they get you by the 51027rooms." 51028% 51029THEGODDESSOFTHENETHASTWISTINGFINGERSANDHERVOICEISLIKEAJAVALININTHENIGHTDUDE 51030% 51031Their idea of an offer you can't refuse is an offer... 51032and you'd better not refuse. 51033% 51034Them as has, gets. 51035% 51036Then a man said: Speak to us of Expectations. 51037 51038He then said: If a man does not see or hear the waters of the Jordan, 51039then he should not taste the pomegranate or ply his wares in an open 51040market. 51041 51042If a man would not labour in the salt and rock quarries then he should 51043not accept of the Earth that which he refuses to give of himself. 51044 51045Such a man would expect a pear of a peach tree. 51046Such a man would expect a stone to lay an egg. 51047Such a man would expect Sears to assemble a lawnmower. 51048 -- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit" 51049% 51050Then, gently touching my face, she hesitated for a moment as her 51051incredible eyes poured forth into mine love, joy, pain, tragedy, 51052acceptance, and peace. "'Bye for now," she said warmly. 51053 -- Thea Alexander, "2150 A.D." 51054% 51055Then here's to the City of Boston, 51056The town of the cries and the groans. 51057Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks, 51058And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns. 51059 -- Franklin Pierce Adams 51060% 51061Then there was LSD, which was supposed to make you think you could fly. 51062I remember it made you think you couldn't stand up, and mostly it was 51063right. 51064 -- P. J. O'Rourke 51065% 51066Then there was the Formosan bartender named Taiwan-On. 51067% 51068Then there was the Scoutmaster who got a fantastic deal on this case of 51069Tates brand compasses for his troop; only $1.25 each! Only problem was, 51070when they got them out in the woods, the compasses were all stuck pointing 51071to the "W" on the dial. 51072 51073Moral: 51074 He who has a Tates is lost! 51075% 51076"Then you admit confirming not denying you ever said that?" 51077"NO! ... I mean Yes! WHAT?" 51078"I'll put `maybe.'" 51079 -- Bloom County 51080% 51081Theology is an attempt to explain a subject by men who do not understand 51082it. The intent is not to tell the truth but to satisfy the questioner. 51083 -- Elbert Hubbard 51084% 51085Theorem: a cat has nine tails. 51086Proof: 51087 No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. 51088 Therefore, a cat has nine tails. 51089% 51090Theorem: All positive integers are equal. 51091Proof: Sufficient to show that for any two positive integers, A and B, A = B. 51092 Further, it is sufficient to show that for all N > 0, if A and B 51093 (positive integers) satisfy (MAX(A, B) = N) then A = B. 51094 51095Proceed by induction: 51096 If N = 1, then A and B, being positive integers, must both be 1. 51097 So A = B. 51098 51099Assume that the theorem is true for some value k. Take A and B with 51100 MAX(A, B) = k+1. Then MAX((A-1), (B-1)) = k. And hence 51101 (A-1) = (B-1). Consequently, A = B. 51102% 51103Theorem: All programs are dull. 51104 51105Proof: Assume the contrary; i.e., the set of interesting programs is 51106nonempty. Arrange them (or it) in order of interest (note that all 51107sets can be well ordered, so do it properly). The minimal element is 51108the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides 51109the contradictory denouement we so devoutly seek. 51110 -- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary" 51111% 51112THEORY: 51113 System of ideas meant to explain something, chosen with a view to 51114 originality, controversialism, incomprehensibility, and how good 51115 it will look in print. 51116% 51117Theory is gray, but the golden tree of life is green. 51118 -- Goethe 51119% 51120Theory of Selective Supervision: 51121 The one time in the day that you lean back and relax is 51122 the one time the boss walks through the office. 51123% 51124There ain't no such thing as a free lunch. 51125 -- Milton Friedman 51126% 51127There appears before you a threatening figure clad all over in heavy black 51128armor. His legs seem like the massive trunk of the oak tree. His broad 51129shoulders and helmeted head loom high over your own puny frame and you 51130realize that his powerful arms could easily crush the very life from your 51131body. There hangs from his belt a veritable arsenal of deadly weapons: 51132sword, mace, ball and chain, dagger, lance, and trident. 51133He speaks with a commanding voice: 51134 51135 "YOU SHALL NOT PASS" 51136 51137As he grabs you by the neck all grows dim about you. 51138% 51139There appears to be irrefutable evidence that 51140the mere fact of overcrowding induces violence. 51141 -- Harvey Wheeler 51142% 51143There are a few things that never go out of style, 51144and a feminine woman is one of them. 51145 -- Ralston 51146% 51147There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true. 51148 -- Winston Churchill 51149% 51150There are bad times just around the corner, 51151There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky 51152And it's no good whining 51153About a silver lining 51154For we know from experience that they won't roll by... 51155 -- Noel Coward 51156% 51157There are few people more often in the wrong 51158than those who cannot endure to be thought so. 51159% 51160There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess -- 51161and there are few mistakes they have ever avoided. 51162 -- Winston Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945 51163% 51164There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, 51165and praiseworthy ... 51166 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 51167% 51168There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, 51169excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy... 51170 -- Ambrose Bierce 51171% 51172There are four stages to a marriage. First there's the affair, then there's 51173the marriage, then children and finally the fourth stage, without which you 51174cannot know a woman, the divorce. 51175 -- Norman Mailer 51176% 51177There are in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of the 51178two has the following record: The Vietnam War, Watergate, double-digit 51179inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 8-cent 51180postcard. The second is responsible for such things as the transistor, 51181the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity stereo recording, 51182sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative feedback, magnetic tape, 51183magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching systems, microwave radio and TV 51184relay systems, information theory, the first electrical digital computer, 51185and the first communications satellite. Guess which one is going to tell 51186the other how to run the telephone business? I can hardly wait for the 51187results. 51188% 51189There are many intelligent species in the universe. They all own 51190cats. 51191% 51192There are many intelligent species in 51193the universe, and they all own cats. 51194% 51195There are many of us in this old world of ours who hold that things break 51196about even for all of us. I have observed, for example, that we all get 51197about the same amount of ice. The rich get it in the summer and the poor 51198get it in the winter. 51199 -- Bat Masterson 51200% 51201There are many people today who literally do not have a close personal 51202friend. They may know something that we don't. They are probably 51203avoiding a great deal of pain. 51204% 51205There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are increasing. 51206 -- Eugene Ionesco 51207% 51208There are more old drunkards than old doctors. 51209% 51210There are more things in heaven and earth than any place else. 51211% 51212There are more things in heaven and earth, 51213Horatio, than are dreamt of in your philosophy. 51214 -- Hamlet 51215% 51216There are more ways of killing a cat than choking her with cream. 51217% 51218There are never any bugs you haven't found yet. 51219% 51220There are new messages. 51221% 51222There are no accidents whatsoever in the universe. 51223 -- Baba Ram Dass 51224% 51225There are no answers, only cross-references. 51226 -- Weiner 51227% 51228There are no data that cannot be plotted on a straight line if the axes 51229are chosen correctly. 51230% 51231There are no emotional victims, only volunteers. 51232% 51233There are no games on this system. 51234% 51235There are no great men, buster. There are only men. 51236 -- Elaine Stewart, "The Bad and the Beautiful" 51237% 51238There are no great men, only great challenges that 51239ordinary men are forced by circumstances to meet. 51240 -- Admiral William Halsey 51241% 51242There are no manifestos like cannon and musketry. 51243 -- The Duke of Wellington 51244% 51245There are no physicists in the hottest parts of hell, because the 51246existence of a "hottest part" implies a temperature difference, and any 51247marginally competent physicist would immediately use this to run a heat 51248engine and make some other part of hell comfortably cool. This is 51249obviously impossible. 51250 -- Richard Davisson 51251% 51252There are no rules for March. March is spring, sort 51253of, usually, March means maybe, but don't bet on it. 51254% 51255There are no winners in life, only survivors. 51256% 51257There are only two kinds of men -- the dead and the deadly. 51258 -- Helen Rowland 51259% 51260There are only two kinds of tequila. Good and better. 51261% 51262There are only two things in this world that I am sure of, death and 51263taxes, and we just might do something about death one of these days. 51264 -- shades 51265% 51266There are people so addicted to exaggeration that they can't tell the 51267truth without lying. 51268 -- Josh Billings 51269% 51270There are people who find it odd to eat four or five Chinese meals 51271in a row; in China, I often remind them, there are a billion or so 51272people who find nothing odd about it. 51273 -- Calvin Trillin 51274% 51275There are places I'll remember 51276All my life though some have changed. 51277Some forever not for better 51278Some have gone and some remain. 51279All these places had their moments 51280With lovers and friends I still recall. 51281Some are dead and some are living, 51282In my life I've loved them all. 51283 51284But of all these friends and lovers, 51285There is no one compared with you, 51286All these memories lose their meaning 51287When I think of love as something new. 51288Though I know I'll never lose affection 51289For people and things that went before, 51290I know I'll often stop and think about them 51291In my life I'll love you more. 51292 -- Lennon/McCartney, "In My Life", 1965 51293% 51294There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a 51295vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone. 51296 -- Gloria Steinem 51297% 51298There are running jobs. 51299Why don't you go chase them? 51300% 51301There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both 51302plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis; 51303and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again, 51304don't we all? 51305% 51306There are strange things done in the midnight sun 51307 By the men who moil for gold; 51308The Arctic trails have their secret tales 51309 That would make your blood run cold; 51310The Northern Lights have seen queer sights, 51311 But the queerest they ever did see 51312Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge 51313 I cremated Sam McGee. 51314 -- Robert W. Service 51315% 51316There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life 51317is the process of discovering them over and over and over. 51318 -- David Nichols 51319% 51320"There are those who claim that magic is like the tide; that it swells 51321and fades over the surface of the earth, collecting in concentrated 51322pools here and there, almost disappearing from other spots, leaving 51323them parched for wonder. There are also those who believe that if you 51324stick your fingers up your nose and blow, it will increase your 51325intelligence." 51326 -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VII 51327% 51328There are three kinds of lies: Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics. 51329 -- Benjamin Disraeli 51330% 51331There are three kinds of people: men, women, and unix. 51332% 51333There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned away 51334from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission; or someone 51335loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor. 51336% 51337There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be 51338offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin 51339a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount 51340of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of 51341affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. 51342When the affection IS the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. 51343Under no circumstances can the food be omitted. 51344 -- Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior 51345% 51346There are three principal ways to lose money: wine, women, and 51347engineers. While the first two are more pleasant, the third is by far 51348the more certain. 51349 -- Baron Rothschild, ca. 1800 51350% 51351There are three reasons for becoming a writer: the first is that you need 51352the money; the second that you have something to say that you think the 51353world should know; the third is that you can't think what to do with the 51354long winter evenings. 51355 -- Quentin Crisp 51356% 51357There are three rules for writing a novel. 51358Unfortunately, no one knows what they are. 51359 -- W. Somerset Maugham 51360% 51361There are three schools of magic. One: State a tautology, then ring 51362the changes on its corollaries; that's philosophy. Two: Record many 51363facts. Try to find a pattern. Then make a wrong guess at the next 51364fact; that's science. Three: Be aware that you live in a malevolent 51365Universe controlled by Murphy's Law, sometimes offset by Brewster's 51366Factor; that's engineering. 51367% 51368There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I 51369can't remember. 51370 -- Italo Svevo 51371% 51372There are three things I have always loved 51373and never understood -- art, music, and women. 51374% 51375There are three things men can do with women: 51376love them, suffer for them, or turn them into literature. 51377 -- Stephen Stills 51378% 51379There are three ways to get something done: 51380 (1) Do it yourself. 51381 (2) Hire someone to do it for you. 51382 (3) Forbid your kids to do it. 51383% 51384There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is 51385one of them. 51386% 51387There are twenty-five people left in the world, 51388and twenty-seven of them are hamburgers. 51389 -- Ed Sanders 51390% 51391There are two jazz musicians who are great buddies. They hang out and play 51392together for years, virtually inseparable. Unfortunately, one of them is 51393struck by a truck and killed. About a week later his friend wakes up in 51394the middle of the night with a start because he can feel a presence in the 51395room. He calls out, "Who's there? Who's there? What's going on?" 51396 "It's me -- Bob," replies a faraway voice. 51397 Excitedly he sits up in bed. "Bob! Bob! Is that you? Where are 51398you?" 51399 "Well," says the voice, "I'm in heaven now." 51400 "Heaven! You're in heaven! That's wonderful! What's it like?" 51401 "It's great, man. I gotta tell you, I'm jamming up here every day. 51402I'm playing with Bird, and 'Trane, and Count Basie drops in all the time! 51403Man it is smokin'!" 51404 "Oh, wow!" says his friend. "That sounds fantastic, tell me more, 51405tell me more!" 51406 "Let me put it this way," continues the voice. "There's good news 51407and bad news. The good news is that these guys are in top form. I mean 51408I have *never* heard them sound better. They are *wailing* up here." 51409 "The bad news is that God has this girlfriend that sings..." 51410% 51411There are two kinds of fool. One says, "This is old, and therefore good." 51412And one says, "This is new, and therefore better." 51413 -- John Brunner, "The Shockwave Rider" 51414% 51415There are two kinds of pedestrians... the quick and the dead. 51416 -- Lord Thomas Robert Dewar 51417% 51418There are two kinds of solar-heat systems: "passive" systems collect 51419the sunlight that hits your home, and "active" systems collect the 51420sunlight that hits your neighbors' homes, too. 51421 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 51422% 51423There are two major products that come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. 51424We don't believe this to be a coincidence. 51425 -- Jeremy S. Anderson 51426% 51427There are two problems with a major hangover. You feel 51428like you are going to die and you're afraid that you won't. 51429% 51430There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -- before 51431marriage and after marriage. 51432% 51433There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good 51434sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more. 51435 -- Woody Allen 51436% 51437There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to 51438make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the 51439other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious 51440deficiencies. 51441 -- C. A. R. Hoare 51442% 51443There are two ways of disliking art. 51444One is to dislike it. 51445The other is to like it rationally. 51446 -- Oscar Wilde 51447% 51448"There are two ways of disliking poetry; one way is to dislike it, the 51449other is to read Pope." 51450 -- Oscar Wilde 51451% 51452There are two ways to write error-free programs. Only the third one 51453works. 51454% 51455There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a 51456suitable application of high explosives. 51457% 51458There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening 51459with an insurance salesman? 51460 -- Woody Allen 51461% 51462There be sober men a'plenty, and drunkards barely twenty; there are men 51463of over ninety who have never yet kissed a girl. But give me the rambling 51464rover, from Orkney down to Dover, we will roam the whole world over, and 51465together we'll face the world. 51466 -- Andy Stewart, "After the Hush" 51467% 51468There but for the grace of God, goes God. 51469 -- Winston Churchill, speaking of Sir Stafford Cripps 51470% 51471There can be no daily democracy without daily citizenship. 51472 -- Ralph Nader 51473% 51474There can be no twisted thought without a twisted molecule. 51475 -- R. W. Gerard 51476% 51477There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. 51478 -- Henry Kissinger 51479% 51480There comes a time in the affairs of a man when he 51481has to take the bull by the tail and face the situation. 51482 -- W. C. Fields 51483% 51484There comes a time to stop being angry. 51485 -- A Small Circle of Friends 51486% 51487There exist tasks which cannot be done by more than 10 men or fewer 51488than 100. 51489 -- Steele's Law 51490% 51491There goes the good time that was had by all. 51492 -- Bette Davis, remarking on a passing starlet 51493% 51494There has also been some work to allow the interesting use of macro names. 51495For example, if you wanted all of your "creat()" calls to include read 51496permissions for everyone, you could say 51497 51498 #define creat(file, mode) creat(file, mode | 0444) 51499 51500 I would recommend against this kind of thing in general, since it 51501hides the changed semantics of "creat()" in a macro, potentially far away 51502from its uses. 51503 To allow this use of macros, the preprocessor uses a process that 51504is worth describing, if for no other reason than that we get to use one of 51505the more amusing terms introduced into the C lexicon. While a macro is 51506being expanded, it is temporarily undefined, and any recurrence of the macro 51507name is "painted blue" -- I kid you not, this is the official terminology 51508-- so that in future scans of the text the macro will not be expanded 51509recursively. (I do not know why the color blue was chosen; I'm sure it 51510was the result of a long debate, spread over several meetings.) 51511 -- From Ken Arnold's "C Advisor" column in Unix Review 51512% 51513There has been a little distress selling on the stock exchange. 51514 -- Thomas W. Lamont, October 29, 1929 51515% 51516There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know 51517nothing about. 51518% 51519There is a 20% chance of tomorrow. 51520% 51521There is a building with four floors. On the first floor, there 51522is a convention of architects. On the second floor, there is a 51523vinyl manufacturing plant. On the third floor there is a fast food 51524stand, and on the fourth floor there is a library. 51525 51526Q: What would happen if a librarian traveled down in a small 51527 elevator with one other person from each floor? 51528A: The elevator would be full. 51529% 51530There is a certain frame of mind to which a cemetery 51531is, if not an antidote, at least an alleviation. If 51532you are in a fit of the blues, go nowhere else. 51533 -- Robert Louis Stevenson, "Immortelles" 51534% 51535There is a certain impertinence in allowing oneself to be burned for an 51536opinion. 51537 -- Anatole France 51538% 51539There is a fly on your nose. 51540% 51541There is a good deal of solemn cant about the common interests of capital 51542and labour. As matters stand, their only common interest is that of cutting 51543each other's throat. 51544 -- Brooks Atkinson, "Once Around the Sun" 51545% 51546There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of 51547paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write. 51548% 51549There is a green, multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder. 51550% 51551There is a limit to the admiration we may hold for a man who spends 51552his waking hours poking the contents of chickens with a stick. 51553 -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" 51554% 51555There is a Massachusetts law requiring all dogs to have their hind legs 51556tied during the month of April. 51557% 51558There is a natural hootchy-kootchy to a goldfish. 51559 -- Walt Disney 51560% 51561There is a new anti-communist organization that advocates the use of 51562wooden toilet seats. 51563 51564It's called the Birch John Society. 51565% 51566There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly 51567what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly 51568disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and 51569inexplicable. 51570 51571There is another theory which states that this has already happened. 51572 -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe" 51573% 51574There is a time in the tides of men, 51575Which, taken at its flood, leads on to success. 51576On the other hand, don't count on it. 51577 -- T. K. Lawson 51578% 51579There is a vast difference between the savage and civilized man, but it 51580is never apparent to their wives until after breakfast. 51581 -- Helen Rowland 51582% 51583There is always more hell that needs raising. 51584 -- Lauren Leveut 51585% 51586There is always one thing to remember: writers are always selling 51587somebody out. 51588 -- Joan Didion, "Slouching Towards Bethlehem" 51589% 51590There is always someone worse off than yourself. 51591% 51592There is always something new out of Africa. 51593 -- Gaius Plinius Secundus 51594% 51595There is an innocence in admiration; it is found in those to whom it 51596has not yet occurred that they, too, might be admired some day. 51597 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 51598% 51599There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty. 51600"When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend." 51601 -- Mark Twain 51602% 51603There is brutality and there is honesty. 51604There is no such thing as brutal honesty. 51605% 51606There is grandeur in this view of life, with its several powers, 51607having been originally breathed into a few forms or into one; and that, 51608whilst this planet has gone cycling on according to the fixed law of 51609gravity, from so simple a beginning endless forms most beautiful and 51610most wonderful have been, and are being, evolved. 51611 -- Darwin 51612% 51613There is hardly a thing in the world that some man can 51614not make a little worse and sell a little cheaper. 51615% 51616"There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a 51617vacuum." 51618 -- Arthur C. Clarke 51619% 51620There is in certain living souls 51621A quality of loneliness unspeakable, 51622So great it must be shared 51623As company is shared by lesser beings. 51624Such a loneliness is mine; so know by this 51625That in immensity 51626There is one lonelier than you. 51627% 51628There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon, 51629however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable. 51630Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be 51631discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator 51632on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is 51633even highly probable. 51634 -- H. L. Mencken, 1930 51635% 51636There *__is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday. 51637% 51638There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home. 51639 -- Ken Olsen (President of Digital Equipment Corporation), 51640 Convention of the World Future Society, in Boston, 1977 51641% 51642There is Jackson standing like a stone wall. Let us determine to die, 51643and we will conquer. Follow me. 51644 -- General Barnard E. Bee (CSA) 51645% 51646There is more simplicity in a man who eats caviar on impulse than in a 51647man who eats Grapenuts on principle. 51648 -- G. K. Chesterton 51649% 51650There is more to life than increasing its speed. 51651 -- Mohandas K. Gandhi 51652% 51653There is much Obi-Wan did not tell you. 51654 -- Darth Vader 51655% 51656There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is 51657always enough time to do it over. 51658% 51659There is never time to do it right, but always time to do it over. 51660% 51661There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party 51662is not capable; for in politics there is no honour. 51663 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey" 51664% 51665There is no bad taste. There is only good taste, and that is bad. 51666 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 51667% 51668There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law. 51669No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth. 51670 -- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates" 51671% 51672There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law. 51673No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth. 51674 -- Jean Giraudoux 51675% 51676There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing 51677the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries 51678civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements. 51679We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward 51680striving of the human race. 51681 -- Alfred North Whitehead 51682% 51683There is no comfort without pain; thus 51684we define salvation through suffering. 51685 -- Cato 51686% 51687There is no cure for birth and death other than to enjoy the interval. 51688 -- George Santayana 51689% 51690There is no delight the equal of dread. 51691As long as it is somebody else's. 51692 -- Clive Barker 51693% 51694There is no distinction between any AI program and some existent game. 51695% 51696There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress. 51697 -- Mark Twain 51698% 51699There is no doubt that my lawyer is honest. For example, when he 51700filed his income tax return last year, he declared half of his salary 51701as "unearned income." 51702 -- Michael Lara 51703% 51704There is no education that is not political. An apolitical 51705education is also political because it is purposely isolating. 51706% 51707There is no Father Christmas. It's just a marketing ploy to make low income 51708parents' lives a misery. ... I want you to picture the trusting face of a 51709child, streaked with tears because of what you just said. I want you to 51710picture the face of its mother, because one week's dole won't pay for one 51711Master of the Universe Battlecruiser! 51712 -- Filthy Rich and Catflap 51713% 51714There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear. 51715% 51716There is no fool to the old fool. 51717 -- John Heywood 51718% 51719There is no future in time travel. 51720% 51721There is no grief which time does not lessen and soften. 51722% 51723There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted 51724armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter. 51725 -- Ernest Hemingway 51726% 51727There is no likelihood man can ever tap the power of the atom. 51728 -- Robert Millikan, Nobel Prize in Physics, 1923 51729% 51730There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years 51731the dirt doesn't get any worse. 51732 -- Quentin Crisp 51733% 51734There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox. 51735 -- George Francis Gillette 51736% 51737There is no point in waiting. 51738The train stopped running years ago. 51739All the schedules, the brochures, 51740The bright-colored posters full of lies, 51741Promise rides to a distant country 51742That no longer exists. 51743% 51744There is no proverb that is not true. 51745 -- Cervantes 51746% 51747There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the 51748tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not 51749abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards -- only physics and 51750war hold him in check. And also the wife who wants him home by five, 51751of course. 51752 -- Encyclopedia Apocryphia, 1990 ed. 51753% 51754There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their home. 51755 -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, World Future Society 51756 Convention, 1977 51757% 51758There is no royal road to geometry. 51759 -- Euclid 51760% 51761There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist. 51762% 51763There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it. 51764 -- George Bernard Shaw 51765% 51766There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity. 51767 -- General Douglas MacArthur 51768% 51769There is no sin but ignorance. 51770 -- Christopher Marlowe 51771% 51772There is no sincerer love than the love of food. 51773 -- George Bernard Shaw 51774% 51775There is no statute of limitations on stupidity. 51776% 51777There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast reflexes. 51778% 51779There *is* no such thing as a civil engineer. 51780% 51781There is no such thing as a free lunch. 51782% 51783There is no such thing as a problem without a gift for you in its hands. 51784% 51785There is no such thing as an ugly woman -- there are only 51786the ones who do not know how to make themselves attractive. 51787 -- Christian Dior 51788% 51789There is no such thing as fortune. Try again. 51790% 51791There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. 51792Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behaviour. 51793 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life" 51794% 51795There is no such thing as pure pleasure; 51796some anxiety always goes with it. 51797% 51798There is no time like the pleasant. 51799% 51800There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be 51801doing. 51802% 51803There is no TRUTH. There is no REALITY. There is no CONSISTENCY. 51804There are no ABSOLUTE STATEMENTS. I'm very probably wrong. 51805% 51806There is not a man in the country that can't make a living for himself and 51807family. But he can't make a living for them *and* his government, too, 51808the way his government is living. What the government has got to do is 51809live as cheap as the people. 51810 -- The Best of Will Rogers 51811% 51812There is not much to choose between a woman who deceives 51813us for another, and a woman who deceives another for ourselves. 51814 -- Augier 51815% 51816There is not opinion so absurd that some philosopher will not express it. 51817 -- Marcus Tullius Cicero, "Ad familiares" 51818% 51819There is nothing more exhilarating than to be shot at without result. 51820 -- Winston Churchill 51821% 51822There is nothing more silly than a silly laugh. 51823 -- Gaius Valerius Catullus 51824% 51825There is nothing new except what has been forgotten. 51826 -- Marie Antoinette 51827% 51828There is nothing so easy but that it becomes difficult 51829when you do it reluctantly. 51830 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 51831% 51832There is nothing stranger in a strange land than the stranger who 51833comes to visit. 51834% 51835"There is nothing which cannot be answered by means of my doctrine," 51836said a monk, coming into a teahouse where Nasrudin sat. "And yet just 51837a short time ago, I was challenged by a scholar with an unanswerable 51838question," said Nasrudin. "I could have answered it if I had been 51839there." "Very well. He asked, 'Why are you breaking into my house in 51840the middle of the night?'" 51841% 51842There is nothing wrong with abstinence, in moderation. 51843% 51844There is nothing wrong with Southern California that a rise in the 51845ocean level wouldn't cure. 51846 -- Ross MacDonald 51847% 51848There is nothing wrong with writing ... as long as it 51849is done in private and you wash your hands afterward. 51850% 51851There is one difference between a tax collector and 51852a taxidermist -- the taxidermist leaves the hide. 51853 -- Mortimer Caplan 51854% 51855There is one way to find out if a man is honest -- ask him. If he says 51856"Yes" you know he is crooked. 51857 -- Groucho Marx 51858% 51859There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and 51860that is not being talked about. 51861 -- Oscar Wilde 51862% 51863There is only one way to be happy by means of the heart -- to have none. 51864 -- Paul Bourget 51865% 51866There is only one way to console a widow. But remember the risk. 51867 -- Robert A. Heinlein 51868% 51869There is only one way to kill capitalism -- 51870by taxes, taxes, and more taxes. 51871 -- Karl Marx 51872% 51873There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings, 51874and that word is blackmail. 51875 -- Colm Brogan 51876% 51877There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which 51878it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated. 51879 -- James Boswell 51880% 51881There is plenty of time before progress goes too far. 51882 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 51883% 51884There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale 51885returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact. 51886 -- Mark Twain 51887% 51888There is something in the pang of change 51889More than the heart can bear, 51890Unhappiness remembering happiness. 51891 -- Euripides 51892% 51893There is very little future in being right when your boss is wrong. 51894% 51895There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us! 51896% 51897There may be said to be two classes of people in the world; those who 51898constantly divide the people of the world into two classes and those 51899who do not. 51900 -- Robert Benchley 51901% 51902There must be at least 500,000,000 rats in the United 51903States; of course, I never heard the story before. 51904% 51905There must be more to life than having everything. 51906 -- Maurice Sendak 51907% 51908There never was a good war or a bad peace. 51909 -- Benjamin Franklin 51910% 51911There once was a girl named Irene 51912Who lived on distilled kerosene 51913 But she started absorbin' 51914 A new hydrocarbon 51915And since then has never benzene. 51916% 51917There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The 51918king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished 51919in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said 51920to the prince: 51921 "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even 51922half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend, 51923what would your decision be, my son?" 51924 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell 51925her that she was my best friend, and cut her head off." 51926 The king knew that his son would be a great king. 51927% 51928There once was a king who ruled his country long, wisely, and well. The 51929king had a son whom he hoped would someday rule the land. He also wished 51930in his heart that the son would be wise and compassionate. One day he said 51931to the prince: 51932 "If you promised that you would give a certain woman anything, even 51933half of your kingdom, and then she demanded the life of your best friend, 51934what would your decision be, my son?" 51935 The young prince thought for a moment and then said, "I would tell 51936her that the life of my best friend did not lie in the half of the kingdom 51937that I had promised." 51938 The king knew that his son would be a great king. 51939% 51940There once was a member of Mensa 51941Who was a most excellent fencer. 51942 The sword that he used 51943 Was his -- (line is refused, 51944And has now been removed by the censor). 51945% 51946There once was an old man from Esser, 51947Who's knowledge grew lesser and lesser. 51948 It at last grew so small, 51949 He knew nothing at all, 51950And now he's a College Professor. 51951% 51952There seems no plan because it is all plan. 51953 -- C. S. Lewis 51954% 51955There was a boy called Eustace Clarence Scrubb, and he almost deserved it. 51956 -- C. S. Lewis, "The Chronicles of Narnia" 51957% 51958There was a little girl 51959Who had a little curl 51960Right in the middle of her forehead. 51961When she was good, she was very, very good 51962And when she was bad, she was very, very popular. 51963 -- Max Miller, "The Max Miller Blue Book" 51964% 51965There was a man who enjoyed playing golf, and could occasionally put up 51966with taking in a round with his wife. One time (with his wife along) he 51967was having an extremely bad round. On the 12th hole, he sliced a drive 51968over by a grounds-keepers' shack. Although he did not have a clear shot 51969to the green, his wife noticed that there were two doors on the shack, 51970and there was a possibility that, if both doors were opened, he might be 51971able to hit through. Without hesitation, he instructed his wife to go 51972around to the other side and open the far door. Sure enough, this gave 51973him a clear path to the green. He stepped up to his ball and prepared 51974to hit. His wife had been standing by the far door waiting for him to 51975hit through. After a moment, she became curious and stuck her head in 51976the doorway, to see what he was doing. At that exact moment, the husband 51977cracked a three-wood that hit his wife square on the forehead, killing 51978her instantly. A few weeks later, the man was playing a round at the same 51979course, this time with a friend of his. Once again on the 12th hole, he 51980sliced his drive to the shack. His friend suggested that he might be able 51981to hit through, if he was to open both doors. 51982 "Nah", replied the man, "Last time I did that I took a 7". 51983% 51984There was a phone call for you. 51985% 51986There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were 51987left in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley. 51988Unfortunately, it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they 51989started debating who should be allowed to stay. 51990 51991The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all 51992over the world, the President explained that if he died then America 51993would be stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth. Then Mayor Daley 51994said, "Look! We're not solving anything like this! The only fair 51995thing to do is to vote on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 51996votes. 51997% 51998There was a writer in 'Life' magazine ... who claimed that rabbits have 51999no memory, which is one of their defensive mechanisms. If they recalled 52000every close shave they had in the course of just an hour life would become 52001insupportable. 52002 -- Kurt Vonnegut 52003% 52004There was a young lady from Hyde 52005Who ate a green apple and died. 52006 While her lover lamented 52007 The apple fermented 52008And made cider inside her inside. 52009% 52010There was a young man from Brazil, 52011And a lady who'd not take the pill, 52012 They lay on the sofa, 52013 And a <$H12{ot]{ok]{ob{o[]{oR{oK{oDpo~po~pot~poe~{ o!po~po~poq~ 52014n~po_~{o[po ~poz~pok~po\~{o 520158]{o/pomF~po^~{opoh~poY~{opoc~poT~{op~po^~poO~{o[~poY~ poJ~{oF~poT~poE~{o1~ 52016% 52017There was a young man from LeDoux, 52018Whose limericks stopped at line two. 52019 52020There was a young man from Verdunne. 52021 52022 [Actually, there are three limericks in this series, the third one 52023 is about some guy named Nero. If anyone has a copy of it, please 52024 mail it to "fortune". Ed.] 52025% 52026There was a young man who said "God, 52027I find it exceedingly odd, 52028 That the willow oak tree 52029 Continues to be, 52030When there's no one about in the Quad." 52031 52032"Dear Sir, your astonishment's odd, 52033For I'm always about in the Quad; 52034 And that's why the tree, 52035 Continues to be," 52036Signed "Yours faithfully, God." 52037% 52038There was a young poet named Dan, 52039Whose poetry never would scan. 52040 When told this was so, 52041 He said, "Yes, I know. 52042It's because I try to put every possible syllable into that last line that I can." 52043% 52044There was an interesting development in the CBS-Westmoreland trial: 52045both sides agreed that after the trial, Andy Rooney would be allowed to 52046talk to the jury for three minutes about little things that annoyed him 52047during the trial. 52048 -- David Letterman 52049% 52050There was an old Indian belief that by making love on the hide of 52051their favorite animal, one could guarantee the health and prosperity 52052of the offspring conceived thereupon. And so it goes that one Indian 52053couple made love on a buffalo hide. Nine months later, they were 52054blessed with a healthy baby son. Yet another couple huddled together 52055on the hide of a deer and they too were blessed with a very healthy 52056baby son. But a third couple, whose favorite animal was a hippopotamus, 52057were blessed with not one, but TWO very healthy baby sons at the conclusion 52058of the nine month interval. All of which proves the old theorem that: 52059The sons of the squaw of the hippopotamus are equal to the sons of 52060the squaws of the other two hides. 52061% 52062There was, it appeared, a mysterious rite of initiation through which, 52063in one way or another, almost every member of the team passed. The term 52064that the old hands used for this rite -- West invented the term, not the 52065practice -- was `signing up.' By signing up for the project you agreed 52066to do whatever was necessary for success. You agreed to forsake, if 52067necessary, family, hobbies, and friends -- if you had any of these left 52068(and you might not, if you had signed up too many times before). 52069 -- Tracy Kidder, "The Soul of a New Machine" 52070% 52071There was this New Yorker that had a lifelong ambition to be a Texan. 52072Fortunately, he had a Texan friend and went to him for advice. "Mike, 52073you know I've always wanted to be a Texan. You're a *real* Texan, what 52074should I do?" 52075 "Well," answered Mike, "The first thing you've got to do is look 52076like a Texan. That means you have to dress right. The second thing 52077you've got to do is speak in a southern drawl." 52078 "Thanks, Mike, I'll give it a try," replied the New Yorker. 52079 A few weeks passed and the New Yorker saunters into a store dressed 52080in a ten-gallon hat, cowboy boots, Levi jeans and a bandanna. "Hey, there, 52081pardner, I'd like some beef, not too rare, and some of them fresh biscuits," 52082he tells the counterman. 52083 The guy behind the counter takes a long look at him and then says, 52084"You must be from New York." 52085 The New Yorker blushes, and says, "Well, yes, I am. How did 52086you know?" 52087 "Because this is a hardware store." 52088% 52089There were in this country two very large monopolies. The larger of 52090the two had the following record: the Vietnam War, Watergate, double- 52091digit inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 520928-cent postcard. The second was responsible for such things as the 52093transistor, the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity 52094stereo recording, sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative 52095feedback, magnetic tape, magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching 52096systems, microwave radio and TV relay systems, information theory, the 52097first electrical digital computer, and the first communications 52098satellite. Guess which one got to tell the other how to run the 52099telephone business? 52100% 52101There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when 52102the boss asks for a lift home from the office. 52103% 52104There will be big changes for you but you will be happy. 52105% 52106There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it. 52107 -- Lily Tomlin 52108% 52109Therefore it is necessary to learn how not to be good, and to use 52110this knowledge and not use it, according to the necessity of the cause. 52111 -- Machiavelli 52112% 52113There's a couple of million dollars worth of baseball talent on the loose, 52114ready for the big leagues, yet unsigned by any major league. There are 52115pitchers who would win 20 games a season ... and outfielders [who] could 52116hit .350, infielders who could win recognition as stars, and there's at 52117least one catcher who at this writing is probably superior to Bill Dickey, 52118Josh Gibson. Only one thing is keeping them out of the big leagues, the 52119pigmentation of their skin. They happen to be colored. 52120 -- Shirley Povich, 1941 52121% 52122There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not 52123a fence. 52124% 52125There's a lesson that I need to remember 52126When everything is falling apart 52127In life, just like in loving 52128There's such a thing as trying to hard 52129 52130You've gotta sing 52131Like you don't need the money 52132Love like you'll never get hurt 52133You've gotta dance 52134Like nobody's watching 52135It's gotta come from the heart 52136If you want it to work. 52137 -- Kathy Mattea 52138% 52139There's a long-standing bug relating to the x86 architecture that 52140allows you to install Windows. 52141 -- Matthew D. Fuller 52142% 52143There's a lot to be said for not saying a lot. 52144% 52145There's a man deeply in debt, see, and he takes the money he has left 52146and goes to Monte Carlo to try to recoup at the roulette tables. Won a 52147little, lost a lot, and was down to his last franc. Prayed for help. 52148A voice whispered in his ear: "Le rouge..." Man looked around; nobody 52149there. What the hell -- he puts his last franc on the red, and it won. 52150The voice immediately said, "Encore le rouge..." Played red again, and 52151it won again. The voice said, "Impair..." Played odd, and it won. Voice 52152said, "Quinze..." so he put all the money on 15, and it won. This went 52153on for hours, the voice telling him what to bet, and the man putting all 52154his money on what the voice said, and winning. Finally when the voice 52155spoke, the man protested that he'd won millions of dollars and wanted to 52156quit. The voice was inexorable: "Douze..." The man put the money on 12, 52157and 11 came up -- he had lost everything -- the voice murmured "Merde!!" 52158% 52159There's a thrill in store for all for we're about to toast 52160The corporation that we represent. 52161We're here to cheer each pioneer and also proudly boast, 52162Of that man of men our sterling president 52163The name of T. J. Watson means 52164A courage none can stem 52165And we feel honored to be here to toast the IBM. 52166 -- Ever Onward, from the 1940 IBM Songbook 52167% 52168There's a trick to the Graceful Exit. It begins with the vision to 52169recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over -- and to 52170let go. It means leaving what's over without denying its validity 52171or its past importance in our lives. It involves a sense of future, 52172a belief that every exit line is an entry, that we are moving on, 52173rather than out. The trick of retiring well may be the trick of 52174living well. It's hard to recognize that life isn't a holding 52175action, but a process. It's hard to learn that we don't leave the 52176best parts of ourselves behind, back in the dugout or the office. 52177We own what we learned back there. The experiences and the growth 52178are grafted onto our lives. And when we exit, we can take ourselves 52179along -- quite gracefully. 52180 -- Ellen Goodman 52181% 52182There's a whole WORLD in a mud puddle! 52183 -- Doug Clifford 52184% 52185There's always free cheese in a mousetrap. 52186% 52187There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to. 52188% 52189There's got to be more to life than compile-and-go. 52190% 52191There's just something I don't like about Virginia; the state. 52192% 52193There's little in taking or giving, 52194 There's little in water or wine: 52195This living, this living, this living, 52196 Was never a project of mine. 52197Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is 52198 The gain of the one at the top, 52199For art is a form of catharsis, 52200 And love is a permanent flop, 52201And work is the province of cattle, 52202 And rest's for a clam in a shell, 52203So I'm thinking of throwing the battle -- 52204 Would you kindly direct me to hell? 52205 -- Dorothy Parker 52206% 52207There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our 52208whole lives, win, lose, or draw. 52209 -- Walt Kelly 52210% 52211There's no future in time travel. 52212% 52213There's no heavier burden than a great potential. 52214% 52215There's no justice in this world. 52216 -- Frank Costello, on the prosecution of "Lucky" Luciano by 52217 New York district attorney Thomas Dewey after Luciano had 52218 saved Dewey from assassination by Dutch Schultz (by ordering 52219 the assassination of Schultz instead) 52220 -- Raoul Duke 52221% 52222There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes. 52223 -- Doctor Who 52224% 52225There's no real need to do housework -- after four years it doesn't get 52226any worse. 52227% 52228There's no room in the drug world for amateurs. 52229 -- Raoul Duke 52230% 52231There's no saint like a reformed sinner. 52232% 52233There's no sense in being precise when you don't even know 52234what you're talking about. 52235 -- John von Neumann 52236% 52237There's no such thing as an original sin. 52238 -- Elvis Costello 52239% 52240There's no such thing as pure pleasure; some anxiety always goes with it. 52241% 52242There's no time like the pleasant. 52243% 52244There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government 52245working for you. 52246 -- Will Rogers 52247% 52248There's no use being precise about something 52249when you don't even know what you're talking about. 52250 -- John von Neumann 52251% 52252There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking. 52253% 52254"There's nothing in the middle of the road but a yellow stripe and dead 52255armadillos." 52256 -- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner 52257% 52258There's nothing like a girl with a plunging 52259neckline to keep a man on his toes. 52260% 52261There's nothing like a good does of another woman to make a man appreciate 52262his wife. 52263 -- Clare Booth Luce 52264% 52265There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl. 52266% 52267There's nothing like the face of a kid eating a Hershey bar. 52268% 52269There's nothing remarkable about it. All one has to do is hit the right 52270keys at the right time and the instrument plays itself. 52271 -- J. S. Bach 52272% 52273There's nothing so precious as a cafe full of Gap kiddies trying to 52274work out whether you're really wearing rubber pants. 52275 -- Mike Smith 52276% 52277There's nothing to writing. All you do is sit at a typewriter 52278and open a vein. 52279 -- Red Smith 52280% 52281There's nothing very mysterious about you, except that 52282nobody really knows your origin, purpose, or destination. 52283% 52284There's nothing worse for your business than 52285extra Santa Clauses smoking in the men's room. 52286 -- W. Bossert 52287% 52288"There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't 52289aggravate." 52290% 52291There's one consolation about matrimony. When you look around you can 52292always see somebody who did worse. 52293 -- Warren H. Goldsmith 52294% 52295There's one fool at least in every married couple. 52296% 52297There's only one everything. 52298% 52299There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn 52300what it is I'll get married again. 52301 -- Clint Eastwood 52302% 52303There's small choice in rotten apples. 52304 -- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew" 52305% 52306There's so much plastic in this culture that vinyl leopard skin is 52307becoming an endangered synthetic. 52308 -- Lily Tomlin 52309% 52310There's so much to say but your eyes keep interrupting me. 52311% 52312There's something different about us -- different from people of Europe, 52313Africa, Asia ... a deep and abiding belief in the Easter Bunny. 52314 -- G. Gordon Liddy 52315% 52316There's something the technicians need to learn from the artists. 52317If it isn't aesthetically pleasing, it's probably wrong. 52318% 52319There's such a thing as too much point on a pencil. 52320 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" 52321% 52322There's too much beauty upon this earth for lonely men to bear. 52323 -- Richard Le Gallienne 52324% 52325These activities have their own rules and methods 52326of concealment which seek to mislead and obscure. 52327 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960 52328% 52329"These are DARK TIMES for all mankind's HIGHEST VALUES!" 52330"These are DARK TIMES for FREEDOM and PROSPERITY!" 52331"These are GREAT TIMES to put your money on BAD GUY to kick the CRAP 52332out of MEGATON MAN!" 52333% 52334These days the necessities of life cost you about three times what they 52335used to, and half the time they aren't even fit to drink. 52336% 52337They also serve who only stand and wait. 52338 -- John Milton 52339% 52340They also surf who only stand on waves. 52341% 52342They are called computers simply because computation is 52343the only significant job that has so far been given to them. 52344% 52345They are cold-blooded. They are completely ruthless about protecting 52346what they have. The only thing they connect to is the money aspect of 52347life. Let's face it: That's the American way. 52348 -- Jeffrey M. Johnson, regional chairman of the District 52349 of Columbia United Way, speaking of drug dealers. 52350% 52351They are ill discoverers that think there is no land, 52352when they can see nothing but sea. 52353 -- Francis Bacon 52354% 52355They are relatively good but absolutely terrible. 52356 -- Alan Kay, commenting on Apollos 52357% 52358They call them "squares" because it's the 52359most complicated shape they can deal with. 52360% 52361They can't stop us... we're on a mission from God! 52362 -- The Blues Brothers 52363% 52364They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist... 52365 -- Civil War General John Sedgwick, his last 52366 words, Battle of Spotsylvania Court House, 1864 52367% 52368They [District Attorneys] learn in District Attorney School that there 52369are two sure-fire ways to get a lot of favorable publicity: 52370 52371(1) Go down and raid all the lockers in the local high school and confiscate 52372 53 marijuana cigarettes and put them in a pile and hold a press 52373 conference where you announce that they have a street value of $850 52374 million. These raids never fail, because ALL high schools, including 52375 brand-new, never-used ones, have at least 53 marijuana cigarettes in 52376 the lockers. As far as anyone can tell, the locker factory puts them 52377 there. 52378(2) Raid an "adult book store" and hold a press conference where you announce 52379 you are charging the owner with 850 counts of being a piece of human 52380 sleaze. This also never fails, because you always get a conviction. 52381 A juror at a pornography trial is not about to state for the record 52382 that he finds nothing obscene about a movie where actors engage in 52383 sexual activities with live snakes and a fire extinguisher. He is 52384 going to convict the bookstore owner, and vote for the death penalty 52385 just to make sure nobody gets the wrong impression. 52386 -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" 52387% 52388They don't know how the world is shaped. And so they give it a shape, and 52389try to make everything fit it. They separate the right from the left, the 52390man from the woman, the plant from the animal, the sun from the moon. They 52391only want to count to two. 52392 -- Emma Bull, "Bone Dance" 52393% 52394They don't suffer. They can't even speak English. 52395 -- George F. Baer, answering a reporter's 52396 question about the suffering of starving miners. 52397% 52398They finally got King Midas, I hear. Gild by association. 52399% 52400They have been at a great feast of languages, and stolen the scraps. 52401 -- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost" 52402% 52403They just buzzed and buzzed...buzzed. 52404% 52405They make a desert and call it peace. 52406 -- Tacitus (55?-120?) 52407% 52408They say it's the responsibility of the media to look at government -- 52409especially the president -- with a microscope. I don't argue with that, 52410but when they use a proctoscope, it's going too far. 52411 -- Richard Nixon 52412% 52413They seem to have learned the habit of cowering before authority even when 52414not actually threatened. How very nice for authority. I decided not to 52415learn this particular lesson. 52416 -- Richard Stallman 52417% 52418They sentenced me to twenty years of boredom for trying to change the 52419system from within. I'm coming now I'm coming to reward them. First 52420we take Manhattan, then we take Berlin. 52421 52422I'm guided by a signal in the heavens. I'm guided by this birthmark on 52423my skin. I'm guided by the beauty of our weapons. First we take Manhattan, 52424then we take Berlin. 52425 52426I'd really like to live beside you, baby. I love your body and your spirit 52427and your clothes. But you see that line there moving through the station? 52428I told you I told you I told you I was one of those. 52429 -- Leonard Cohen, "First We Take Manhattan" 52430% 52431They spell it "da Vinci" and pronounce it "da Vinchy". Foreigners 52432always spell better than they pronounce. 52433 -- Mark Twain 52434% 52435They spell it Vinci and pronounce it Vinchy. 52436Foreigners always spell better than they pronounce. 52437 -- Mark Twain 52438% 52439They that can give up essential liberty to obtain a little temporary 52440safety deserve neither liberty nor safety. 52441 -- Benjamin Franklin, 1759 52442% 52443They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them! 52444% 52445They told me you had proven it When they discovered our results 52446 About a month before. Their hair began to curl 52447The proof was valid, more or less Instead of understanding it 52448 But rather less than more. We'd run the thing through PRL. 52449 52450He sent them word that we would try Don't tell a soul about all this 52451 To pass where they had failed For it must ever be 52452And after we were done, to them A secret, kept from all the rest 52453 The new proof would be mailed. Between yourself and me. 52454 52455My notion was to start again 52456 Ignoring all they'd done 52457We quickly turned it into code 52458 To see if it would run. 52459% 52460They took some of the Van Goghs, most 52461of the jewels, and all of the Chivas! 52462% 52463They Tore Out My Heart and Stomped That Sucker Flat 52464 -- Book title by Lewis Grizzard 52465% 52466They use different words for things in America. 52467For instance they say elevator and we say lift. 52468They say drapes and we say curtains. 52469They say president and we say brain damaged git. 52470 -- Alexie Sayle 52471% 52472They went rushing down that freeway, 52473Messed around and got lost. 52474They didn't care... they were just dying to get off, 52475And it was life in the fast lane. 52476 -- Eagles, "Life in the Fast Lane" 52477% 52478They will only cause the lower classes to move about needlessly. 52479 -- The Duke of Wellington, on early steam railroads 52480% 52481They wouldn't listen to the fact that I was a genius, 52482The man said "We got all that we can use", 52483So I've got those steadily-depressin', low-down, mind-messin', 52484Working-at-the-car-wash blues. 52485 -- Jim Croce 52486% 52487They're an insidious bunch, your killer pianos. Had one get loose on me 52488back in '62. It slipped out of the cables while we were lowering it out 52489of its twelfth story apartment, and crushed six innocents in an insane bid 52490for freedom. 52491 -- Stig's Inferno 52492% 52493They're giving bank robbing a bad name. 52494 -- John Dillinger, on Bonnie and Clyde 52495% 52496They're just jealous because they don't have three 52497wise men and a virgin in the whole organization. 52498 -- Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci, on the 52499 ACLU's suit to have a city nativity scene removed. 52500% 52501They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid! 52502% 52503"They're unfriendly, which is fortunate, really. They'd be difficult 52504to like." 52505 -- Avon 52506% 52507Thieves respect property; they merely wish the property to become 52508their property that they may more perfectly respect it. 52509 -- G. K. Chesterton, "The Man Who Was Thursday" 52510% 52511Things are more like they are today than they ever were before. 52512 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 52513% 52514Things are more like they used to be than they are now. 52515% 52516Things are not always what they seem. 52517 -- Phaedrus 52518% 52519Things equal to nothing else are equal to each other. 52520% 52521Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold. 52522% 52523Things past redress and now with me past care. 52524 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" 52525% 52526Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face. 52527% 52528Things will get better despite our efforts to improve them. 52529 -- Will Rogers 52530% 52531Things worth having are worth cheating for. 52532% 52533Think big. Pollute the Mississippi. 52534% 52535Think honk if you're a telepath. 52536% 52537Think lucky. If you fall in a pond, check your pockets for fish. 52538 -- Darrell Royal 52539% 52540Think of it! With VLSI we can pack 100 ENIACs in 1 sq. cm.! 52541% 52542Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer 52543crashes. 52544% 52545Think sideways! 52546 -- Ed De Bono 52547% 52548Think twice before speaking, but don't say "think think click click". 52549% 52550Thinking you know something is a sure way to blind yourself. 52551 -- Frank Herbert, "Chapterhouse: Dune" 52552% 52553Thinks't thou existence doth depend on time? 52554It doth; but actions are our epochs; mine 52555Have made my days and nights imperishable, 52556Endless, and all alike, as sands on the shore, 52557Innumerable atoms; and one desert, 52558Barren and cold, on which the wild waves break, 52559But nothing rests, save carcasses and wrecks, 52560Rocks, and the salt-surf weeds of bitterness. 52561% 52562Thirteen at a table is unlucky only 52563when the hostess has only twelve chops. 52564 -- Groucho Marx 52565% 52566Thirty days hath Septober, 52567April, June, and no wonder. 52568all the rest have peanut butter 52569except my father who wears red suspenders. 52570% 52571Thirty white horses on a red hill, 52572First they champ, 52573Then they stamp, 52574Then they stand still. 52575 -- Tolkien 52576% 52577This ae nighte, this ae nighte, 52578Everye nighte and alle, 52579Fire and sleet and candlelyte, 52580And Christe receive thy saule. 52581 -- The Lykewake Dirge 52582% 52583This "brain-damaged" epithet is getting sorely overworked. When we can 52584speak of someone or something being flawed, impaired, marred, spoiled; 52585batty, bedlamite, bonkers, buggy, cracked, crazed, cuckoo, daft, demented, 52586deranged, loco, lunatic, mad, maniac, mindless, non compos mentis, nuts, 52587Reaganite, screwy, teched, unbalanced, unsound, witless, wrong; senseless, 52588spastic, spasmodic, convulsive; doped, spaced-out, stoned, zonked; {beef, 52589beetle,block,dung,thick}headed, dense, doltish, dull, duncical, numskulled, 52590pinhead; asinine, fatuous, foolish, silly, simple; brute, lumbering, oafish; 52591half-assed, incompetent; backward, retarded, imbecilic, moronic; when we have 52592a whole precisely nuanced vocabulary of intellectual abuse to draw upon, 52593individually and in combination, isn't it a little <fill in the blank> to be 52594limited to a single, now quite trite, adjective? 52595% 52596This door is baroquen, please wiggle Handel. 52597(If I wiggle Handel, will it wiggle Bach?) 52598 -- Found on a door in the MSU music building 52599% 52600This dungeon is owned and operated by Frobazz Magic Co., Ltd. 52601% 52602This file will self-destruct in five minutes. 52603% 52604This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate need, 52605please use the program "________randchar". This program generates random 52606characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come up with 52607something profound. It will, however, take it no time at all to be 52608more profound than THIS program has ever been. 52609% 52610This fortune cookie program out of order. For those in desperate 52611need, please use the program "randchar". This program generates 52612random characters, and, given enough time, will undoubtedly come 52613up with something profound. It will, however, take it no time at 52614all to be more profound than THIS program has ever been. 52615% 52616This Fortune Examined By INSPECTOR NO. 2-14 52617% 52618This fortune intentionally not included. 52619% 52620This fortune intentionally says nothing. 52621% 52622This fortune is dedicated to your mother, without whose 52623invaluable assistance last night would never have been possible. 52624% 52625This fortune is encrypted -- get your decoder rings ready! 52626% 52627This fortune is false. 52628% 52629This fortune is inoperative. Please try another. 52630% 52631This fortune soaks up 47 times its own weight in excess memory. 52632% 52633This fortune was brought to you by the people at Hewlett-Packard. 52634% 52635This fortune would be seven words long if it were six words shorter. 52636% 52637This generation doesn't have emotional baggage. 52638We have emotional moving vans. 52639 -- Bruce Feirstein 52640% 52641This guy runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Kathy, pack up your 52642bags! I just won the California lottery!" 52643 "Honey!", Kathy exclaims, "Shall I pack for warm weather or cold?" 52644 "I don't care," responds the husband. "just so long as you're out 52645of the house by dinner!" 52646% 52647"This is a country where people are free to practice their religion, 52648regardless of race, creed, color, obesity, or number of dangling 52649keys ..." 52650% 52651This is a good time to punt work. 52652% 52653"This is a job for BOB VIOLENCE and SCUM, the INCREDIBLY STUPID MUTANT 52654DOG." 52655 -- Bob Violence 52656% 52657"This is a test of the Emergency Broadcast System. If this had been an 52658actual emergency, do you really think we'd stick around to tell you?" 52659% 52660This is a test of the emergency broadcast system. 52661Had there been an actual emergency, then you would no longer be here. 52662% 52663This is an especially good time for you vacationers who plan to fly, 52664because the Reagan administration, as part of the same policy under 52665which it recently sold Yellowstone National Park to Wayne Newton, has 52666"deregulated" the airline industry. What this means for you, the 52667consumer, is that the airlines are no longer required to follow any 52668rules whatsoever. They can show snuff movies. They can charge for 52669oxygen. They can hire pilots right out of Vending Machine Refill 52670Person School. They can conserve fuel by ejecting husky passengers 52671over water. They can ram competing planes in mid-air. These 52672innovations have resulted in tremendous cost savings which have been 52673passed along to you, the consumer, in the form of flights with 52674amazingly low fares, such as $29. Of course, certain restrictions do 52675apply, the main one being that all these flights take you to Newark, 52676and you must pay thousands of dollars if you want to fly back out. 52677 -- Dave Barry, "Iowa -- Land of Secure Vacations" 52678% 52679This is an unauthorized cybernetic announcement. 52680% 52681This is Betty Frenel. I don't know who to call but I can't reach my 52682Food-a-holics partner. I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage 52683and mushroom. Jim, come and get me! 52684% 52685This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists, 52686and not enough hunchbacks. 52687% 52688This is for all ill-treated fellows 52689 Unborn and unbegot, 52690For them to read when they're in trouble 52691 And I am not. 52692 -- A. E. Housman 52693% 52694This is Jim Rockford. 52695At the tone leave your name and message; I'll get back to you. 52696% 52697"This is lemma 1.1. We start a new chapter so the numbers all go back 52698to one." 52699 -- Prof. Seager, C&O 351 52700% 52701This is Maria, Liberty Bail Bonds. Your client, Todd Lieman, skipped and 52702his bail is forfeit. That's the pink slip on your '74 Firebird, I believe. 52703Sorry, Jim, bring it on over. 52704% 52705This is Marilyn Reed, I wanta talk to you... Is this a machine? 52706I don't talk to machines! [Click] 52707% 52708This is National Non-Dairy Creamer Week. 52709% 52710This is NOT a repeat. 52711% 52712This is not the age of pamphleteers. It is the age of the engineers. The 52713spark-gap is mightier than the pen. Democracy will not be salvaged by men 52714who talk fluently, debate forcefully and quote aptly. 52715 -- Lancelot Hogben, Science for the Citizen, 1938 52716% 52717THIS IS PLEDGE WEEK FOR THE FORTUNE PROGRAM 52718 52719If you like the fortune program, why not support it now with your 52720contribution of a pithy fortune, clean or obscene? We cannot continue 52721without your support. Less than 14% of all fortune users are 52722contributors. That means that 86% of you are getting a free ride. We 52723can't go on like this much longer. Federal cutbacks mean less money 52724for fortunes, and unless user contributions increase to make up the 52725difference, the fortune program will have to shut down between midnight 52726and 8 a.m. Don't let this happen. Mail your fortunes right now to 52727"fortune". Just type in your favorite pithy saying. Do it now before 52728you forget. Our target is 300 new fortunes by the end of the week. 52729Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute 5273030 fortunes or more, you will receive a free subscription to "The 52731Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or 52732more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ... 52733% 52734This is supposed to be a happy occasion. 52735Let's not BICKER and ARGUE over who killed who! 52736% 52737This is the Baron. Angel Martin tells me you buy information. Ok, 52738meet me at one a.m. behind the bus depot, bring five-hundred dollars 52739and come alone. I'm serious! 52740% 52741This is the first age that's paid much attention to the future, 52742which is a little ironic since we may not have one. 52743 -- Arthur C. Clarke 52744% 52745This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the 52746power of computers: 52747 52748Enter lots of data on calorie & nutritive content of foods. Instruct 52749the thing to maximize a function describing nutritive content, with a 52750minimum level of each component, for fixed caloric content. The 52751results are that one should eat each day: 52752 52753 1/2 chicken 52754 1 egg 52755 1 glass of skim milk 52756 27 heads of lettuce. 52757 -- Rev. Adrian Melott 52758% 52759This is the ____LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury! 52760% 52761This is the sort of English up with which I will not put. 52762 -- Winston Churchill 52763% 52764This is the story of the bee 52765Whose sex is very hard to see 52766 52767You cannot tell the he from the she 52768But she can tell, and so can he 52769 52770The little bee is never still 52771She has no time to take the pill 52772 52773And that is why, in times like these 52774There are so many sons of bees. 52775% 52776This is the theory that Jack built. 52777This is the flaw that lay in the theory that Jack built. 52778This is the palpable verbal haze that hid the flaw that lay in... 52779% 52780This is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. 52781And now you know why. 52782% 52783This is the way the world ends, 52784This is the way the world ends, 52785This is the way the world ends, 52786Not with a bang but with a whimper. 52787 -- T. S. Eliot, "The Hollow Men" 52788% 52789This is your fortune. 52790% 52791This isn't right. This isn't even wrong. 52792 -- Wolfgang Pauli, on a colleague's paper 52793% 52794This isn't true in practice -- what we've missed out is Stradivarius's 52795constant. And then the aside: "For those of you who don't know, that's 52796been called by others the fiddle factor..." 52797 -- From a 1B Electrical Engineering lecture 52798% 52799This land is full of trousers! 52800this land is full of mausers! 52801 And pussycats to eat them when the sun goes down! 52802 -- The Firesign Theatre 52803% 52804This land is made of mountains, 52805This land is made of mud, 52806This land has lots of everything, 52807For me and Elmer Fudd. 52808 52809This land has lots of trousers, 52810This land has lots of mousers, 52811And pussycats to eat them 52812When the sun goes down. 52813% 52814This land is my land, and only my land, 52815I've got a shotgun, and you ain't got one, 52816If you don't get off, I'll blow your head off, 52817This land is private property. 52818 -- Apologies to Woody Guthrie 52819% 52820This life is a test. It is only a test. Had this been an actual life, 52821you would have received further instructions as to what to do and where 52822to go. 52823% 52824This life is yours. Some of it was given 52825to you; the rest, you made yourself. 52826% 52827This login session: $13.99 52828% 52829This login session: $13.99, but for you $11.88 52830% 52831This must be morning. I never could get the hang of mornings. 52832% 52833This night methinks is but the daylight sick. 52834 -- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice" 52835% 52836This novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with 52837great force. 52838 -- Dorothy Parker 52839% 52840This one is for all you military types. For those who don't know, Rangers 52841are *extremely* well trained members of the U.S. Army. Marines are people 52842who start out as normal soldiers and then are made to believe that bullets 52843don't actually hurt. 52844 One day a platoon of Marines are on patrol when they come upon a 52845Ranger relaxing on top of a small hill. The Ranger puts his hands on his 52846hips and screams out, "Do any of you seaweed sucking jarheads think you're 52847man enough to take me on?" 52848 The biggest Marine comes running up the hill, screaming back at the 52849Ranger. When he gets to the top he simply plows into his foe and the two 52850tumble down the other side of the hill, out of sight. There is the sound of 52851a horrendous fight for a moment or two, and then all is quiet. Soon, the 52852Ranger reappears, quite untouched. He puts his hands on his hips and sneers, 52853"Well, looks to me like one of you couldn't do it, how about the rest?" 52854 The enraged Marine platoon leader sends his entire platoon (30+men) 52855charging after the Ranger. They all go tumbling down the far side of the hill. 52856After 15 minutes of screaming and yelling and cursing a lone, bloodied Marine 52857crawls over the top of the hill. The platoon leader yells up to his man, 52858"What's going on up there?" The wounded Marine, with his last bit of breath, 52859replies, "Sir, it's a... a trap, sir. They're two of them!" 52860% 52861This place just isn't big enough for all of us. We've 52862got to find a way off this planet. 52863% 52864This planet has -- or rather had -- a problem, which was this: most of 52865the people living on it were unhappy for pretty much of the time. Many 52866solutions were suggested for this problem, but most of these were 52867largely concerned with the movements of small green pieces of paper, 52868which is odd because on the whole it wasn't the small green pieces of 52869paper that were unhappy. 52870 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 52871% 52872"This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does 52873something child-like." 52874 -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454 52875% 52876This process can check if this value is zero, and if it is, it does 52877something child-like. 52878 -- Forbes Burkowski, CS, University of Washington 52879% 52880This product is meant for educational purposes only. Any resemblance to real 52881persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some 52882assembly may be required. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during 52883shipment. Use only as directed. May be too intense for some viewers. If 52884condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. 52885Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. Not responsible for direct, 52886indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error 52887or failure to perform. Slippery when wet. For office use only. Substantial 52888penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Your cancelled 52889check is your receipt. Avoid contact with skin. Employees and their families 52890are not eligible. Beware of dog. Driver does not carry cash. Limited time 52891offer, call now to ensure prompt delivery. Use only in well-ventilated area. 52892Keep away from fire or flame. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does 52893not include taxes, dealer prep, or delivery. Penalty for private use. Call 52894toll free before digging. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product 52895appear for identification purposes only. All models over 18 years of age. Do 52896not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be 52897paid by addressee. Apply only to affected area. One size fits all. Many 52898suitcases look alike. Edited for television. No solicitors. Reproduction 52899strictly prohibited. Restaurant package, not for resale. Objects in mirror 52900are closer than they appear. Decision of judges is final. This supersedes 52901all previous notices. No other warranty expressed or implied. 52902% 52903This quote is taken from the Diamondback, the University of Maryland 52904student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87. 52905 52906 One disadvantage of the Univac system is that it does not use 52907 Unix, a recently developed program which translates from one 52908 computer language to another and has a built-in editing system 52909 which identifies errors in the original program. 52910% 52911This sad little lizard told me that he was a brontosaurus on his 52912mother's side. I did not laugh; people who boast of ancestry 52913often have little else to sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and 52914adds happiness in a world in which happiness is always in short supply. 52915 -- Lazarus Long 52916% 52917This screen intentionally left blank. 52918% 52919This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't. 52920 -- Douglas Hofstadter 52921% 52922This sentence does in fact not have the property it claims not to have. 52923% 52924This sentence no verb. 52925% 52926This system will self-destruct in five minutes. 52927% 52928This thing all things devours: 52929Birds, beasts, trees, flowers; 52930Gnaws iron, bites steel; 52931Grinds hard stones to meal; 52932Slays king, ruins town, 52933And beats high mountain down. 52934% 52935This unit... must... survive. 52936% 52937This universe shipped by weight, not by volume. Some expansion of the 52938contents may have occurred during shipment. 52939% 52940This was a Golden Age, a time of high adventure, rich living, and hard 52941dying... but nobody thought so. This was a future of fortune and theft, 52942pillage and rapine, culture and vice... but nobody admitted it. 52943 -- Alfred Bester, "The Stars My Destination" 52944% 52945This was the most unkindest cut of all. 52946 -- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 52947% 52948This wasn't just plain terrible, this was fancy terrible. 52949This was terrible with raisins in it. 52950 -- Dorothy Parker 52951% 52952This week only, all our fiber-fill jackets are marked down! 52953% 52954This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget 52955it. 52956% 52957This yuppie, see, was in a car wreck. His BMW was mangled, and so was he. 52958The paramedic was leaning over him getting his vitals, and all the yup 52959could groan was "My BMW! My BMW!" 52960 The paramedic tried to quiet the man, pointing out that his car 52961wasn't his chief concern at the moment, especially as he'd been rearranged 52962pretty badly himself -- for example, his left arm was severed at the elbow 52963and was lying about twenty feet away. 52964 There was a moment of stunned silence from the yup followed by 52965"Oh no! My Rolex! My Rolex!" 52966% 52967Those lovable Brits department: 52968 They also have trouble pronouncing `vitamin'. 52969% 52970Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those 52971of us who do. 52972% 52973Those of you who think you know everything 52974are annoying those of us who do. 52975% 52976Those of you who think you know it all upset those of us who do. 52977% 52978Those parts of the system that you can hit with a hammer (not advised) 52979are called hardware; those program instructions that you can only curse 52980at are called software. 52981 -- Levitating Trains and Kamikaze Genes: Technological 52982 Literacy for the 1990's. 52983% 52984Those who are mentally and emotionally healthy are those who have 52985learned when to say yes, when to say no and when to say whoopee. 52986 -- W. S. Krabill 52987% 52988Those who believe in astrology are living in houses with foundations of 52989Silly Putty. 52990 -- Dennis Rawlins 52991% 52992Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate. 52993% 52994Those who can, do; those who can't, write. 52995Those who can't write work for the Bell Labs Record. 52996% 52997Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it. 52998 -- George Santayana 52999% 53000Those who can't write, write manuals. 53001% 53002Those who claim the dead never return 53003to life haven't ever been around here at quitting time. 53004% 53005Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics. 53006 -- French Proverb 53007% 53008Those who do not understand Unix are condemned to reinvent it, poorly. 53009 -- Henry Spencer 53010% 53011Those who do things in a noble spirit of 53012self-sacrifice are to be avoided at all costs. 53013 -- N. Alexander 53014% 53015Those who educate children well are more to be honored than parents, 53016for these only gave life, those the art of living well. 53017 -- Aristotle 53018% 53019Those who express random thoughts to legislative committees are often 53020surprised and appalled to find themselves the instigators of law. 53021 -- Mark B. Cohen 53022% 53023Those who have had no share in the good fortunes of the mighty 53024Often have a share in their misfortunes. 53025 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Caucasian Chalk Circle" 53026% 53027Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the 53028world is love. The poor know that it is money. 53029 -- Gerald Brenan 53030% 53031Those who in quarrels interpose, must often wipe a bloody nose. 53032% 53033Those who make peaceful revolution impossible 53034will make violent revolution inevitable. 53035 -- John F. Kennedy 53036% 53037Those who profess to favor freedom, and yet depreciate agitation, are 53038men who want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean 53039without the roar of its many waters. 53040 -- Frederick Douglass 53041% 53042Those who sweat in flames of hell, Leaden eared, some thought their bowels 53043Here's the reason that they fell: Lispeth forth the sweetest vowels. 53044While on earth they prayed in SAS, These they offered up in praise 53045PL/1, or other crass, Thinking all this fetid haze 53046Vulgar tongue. A rhapsody sung. 53047 53048Some the lord did sorely try Jabber of the mindless horde 53049Assembling all their pleas in hex. Sequel next did mock the lord 53050Speech as crabbed as devil's crable Slothful sequel so enfangled 53051Hex that marked on Tower Babel Its speaker's lips became entangled 53052The highest rung. In his bung. 53053 53054Because in life they prayed so ill 53055And offered god such swinish swill 53056Now they sweat in flames of hell 53057Sweat from lack of APL 53058Sweat dung! 53059% 53060Those who talk don't know. Those who don't talk, know. 53061% 53062Thou hast seen nothing yet. 53063 -- Miguel de Cervantes 53064% 53065Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to 53066be maintained. 53067 -- The Tao of Programming 53068% 53069Though I respect that a lot 53070I'd be fired if that were my job 53071After killing Jason off and 53072Countless screaming argonauts 53073 53074Bluebird of friendliness 53075Like guardian angels it's 53076Always near 53077 53078Blue canary in the outlet by the light switch 53079Who watches over you 53080Make a little birdhouse in your soul 53081Not to put too fine a point on it 53082Say I'm the only bee in your bonnet 53083Make a little birdhouse in your soul 53084 53085 -- "Birdhouse in your Soul", They Might Be Giants 53086% 53087Thrashing is just virtual crashing. 53088% 53089Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are 53090the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with 53091Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether -- 53092whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation ... A 53093fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any 53094more about the matter than the others. 53095 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 53096% 53097Three hours a day will produce as much as a man ought to write. 53098 -- Trollope 53099% 53100Three may keep a secret, if two of them are dead. 53101 -- Benjamin Franklin 53102% 53103Three Midwesterners, a Kansan, a Missourian and an Iowan, 53104all appearing on a quiz program, were asked to complete this sentence: 53105"Old MacDonald had a . . ." 53106 53107 "Old MacDonald had a carburetor," answered the Kansan. 53108 "Sorry, that's wrong," the game show host said. 53109 "Old MacDonald had a free brake alignment down at the 53110 service station," said the Missourian. 53111 "Wrong." 53112 "Old MacDonald had a farm," said the Iowan. 53113 "CORRECT!" shouts the quizmaster. "Now for $100,000, spell `farm.'" 53114 "Easy," said the Iowan. "E-I-E-I-O." 53115% 53116Three minutes' thought would suffice to find this out; but thought 53117is irksome and three minutes is a long time. 53118 -- A. E. Housman 53119% 53120Three o'clock in the afternoon is always just a little too 53121late or a little too early for anything you want to do. 53122 -- Jean-Paul Sartre 53123% 53124Three Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky, 53125Seven for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone, 53126Nine for Mortal Men doomed to die, 53127One for the Dark Lord on his dark throne 53128In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie. 53129One Ring to rule them all, One Ring to find them, 53130One Ring to bring them all and in the darkness bind them 53131In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie. 53132 -- J. R. R. Tolkien, "The Lord of the Rings" 53133% 53134Three rules for sounding like an expert: 53135 1. Oversimplify your explanations to the point of uselessness. 53136 2. Always point out second-order effects, 53137 but never point out when they can be ignored. 53138 3. Come up with three rules of your own. 53139% 53140Throw away documentation and manuals, 53141and users will be a hundred times happier. 53142Throw away privileges and quotas, 53143and users will do the Right Thing. 53144Throw away proprietary and site licenses, 53145and there won't be any pirating. 53146 53147If these three aren't enough, 53148just stay at your home directory 53149and let all processes take their course. 53150% 53151Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know 53152what we are talking about, nor whether what we are saying is true. 53153 -- Bertrand Russell 53154% 53155Thus spake the master programmer: 53156 "A well-written program is its own heaven; a poorly-written program 53157is its own hell." 53158 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 53159% 53160Thus spake the master programmer: 53161 "After three days without programming, life becomes meaningless." 53162 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 53163% 53164Thus spake the master programmer: 53165 "Let the programmer be many and the managers few -- then all will 53166 be productive." 53167 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 53168% 53169Thus spake the master programmer: 53170 "Though a program be but three lines long, someday it will have to 53171 be maintained." 53172 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 53173% 53174Thus spake the master programmer: 53175 "Time for you to leave." 53176 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 53177% 53178Thus spake the master programmer: 53179 "When program is being tested, it is too late to make design changes." 53180 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 53181% 53182Thus spake the master programmer: 53183 "When you have learned to snatch the error code from 53184 the trap frame, it will be time for you to leave." 53185 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 53186% 53187Thus spake the master programmer: 53188 "Without the wind, the grass does not move. Without software, 53189 hardware is useless." 53190 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 53191% 53192Thus spake the master programmer: 53193 "You can demonstrate a program for a corporate executive, but you 53194 can't make him computer literate." 53195 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 53196% 53197Thyme's Law: 53198 Everything goes wrong at once. 53199% 53200Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day 53201Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way 53202Kicking around on a piece of ground in your hometown 53203Waiting for someone or something to show you the way 53204 53205Tired of lying in the sunshine And then one day you find 53206Staying home to watch the rain Ten years have got behind you 53207You are young and life is long No one told you when to run 53208And there is time to kill today You missed the starting gun 53209 53210And you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking 53211And racing around to come up behind you again 53212The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older 53213Shorter of breath and one day closer to death 53214 53215Every year is getting shorter Hanging on in quiet desperation 53216 is the English way 53217Never seem to find the time The time is gone, the song is over 53218Plans that either come to nought Thought I'd something more to say... 53219Or half a page of scribbled lines 53220 -- Pink Floyd, "Time" 53221% 53222Tiddely Quiddely 53223Edward M. Kennedy 53224Quite unaccountably 53225Drove in a stream. 53226 53227Pleas of amnesia 53228Incomprehensible 53229Possibly shattered 53230Political dream. 53231% 53232Tiger got to hunt, 53233Bird got to fly; 53234Man got to sit and wonder, "Why, why, why?" 53235 53236Tiger got to sleep, 53237Bird got to land; 53238Man got to tell himself he understand. 53239 -- The Books of Bokonon 53240% 53241Time and tide wait for no man. 53242% 53243Time as he grows old teaches all things. 53244 -- Aeschylus 53245% 53246Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana. 53247% 53248Time goes, you say? 53249Ah no! 53250Time stays, *we* go. 53251 -- Austin Dobson 53252% 53253Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils. 53254 -- Hector Berlioz 53255% 53256Time is an illusion; lunchtime, doubly so. 53257 -- Ford Prefect 53258% 53259Time is an illusion perpetrated by the manufacturers of space. 53260% 53261Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in. 53262 -- Henry David Thoreau 53263% 53264Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at 53265once. 53266% 53267Time is nature's way of making sure that 53268everything doesn't happen at once. 53269 53270Space is nature's way of making sure that 53271everything doesn't happen to you. 53272% 53273Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend. 53274 -- Theophrastus 53275% 53276Time sharing: The use of many people by the computer. 53277% 53278Time sure flies when you don't know what you're doing. 53279% 53280Time to be aggressive. Go after a tattooed Virgo. 53281% 53282Time to take stock. 53283Go home with some office supplies. 53284% 53285Time washes clean 53286Love's wounds unseen. 53287That's what someone told me; 53288But I don't know what it means. 53289 -- Linda Ronstadt, "Long Long Time" 53290% 53291Time will end all my troubles, 53292but I don't always approve of Time's methods. 53293% 53294Time-sharing is the junk-mail part of the computer business. 53295 -- H. R. J. Grosch (attributed) 53296% 53297timesharing, n: 53298 An access method whereby one computer abuses many people. 53299% 53300Timing must be perfect now. 53301Two-timing must be better than perfect. 53302% 53303Tip of the Day: 53304 Never fry bacon in the nude. 53305% 53306Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control. 53307 -- J. LeBoutillier 53308% 53309Tip the world over on its side and 53310everything loose will land in Los Angeles. 53311 -- Frank Lloyd Wright 53312% 53313TIPS FOR PERFORMERS: 53314 Playing cards have the top half upside-down to help cheaters. 53315 There are a finite number of jokes in the universe. 53316 Singing is a trick to get people to listen to music longer than 53317 they would ordinarily. 53318 There is no music in space. 53319 People will pay to watch people make sounds. 53320 Everything on stage should be larger than in real life. 53321% 53322TIRED of calculating components of vectors? Displacements along direction of 53323force getting you down? Well, now there's help. Try amazing "Dot-Product", 53324the fast, easy way many professionals have used for years and is now available 53325to YOU through this special offer. Three out of five engineering consultants 53326recommend "Dot-Product" for their clients who use vector products. Mr. 53327Gumbinowitz, mechanical engineer, in a hidden-camera interview... 53328 "Dot-Product really works! Calculating Z-axis force components has 53329 never been easier." 53330Yes, you too can take advantage of the amazing properties of Dot-Product. Use 53331it to calculate forces, velocities, displacements, and virtually any vector 53332components. How much would you pay for it? But wait, it also calculates the 53333work done in Joules, Ergs, and, yes, even BTUs. Divide Dot-Product by the 53334magnitude of the vectors and it becomes an instant angle calculator! Now, how 53335much would you pay? All this can be yours for the low, low price of $19.95!! 53336But that's not all! If you order before midnight, you'll also get "Famous 53337Numbers of Famous People" as a bonus gift, absolutely free! Yes, you'll get 53338Avogadro's number, Planck's, Euler's, Boltzmann's, and many, many, more!! 53339Call 1-800-DOT-6000. Operators are standing by. That number again... 533401-800-DOT-6000. Supplies are limited, so act now. This offer is not 53341available through stores and is void where prohibited by law. 53342% 53343Tis man's perdition to be safe, when for the truth he ought to die. 53344% 53345'Tis more blessed to give than receive; for example, wedding presents. 53346 -- H. L. Mencken 53347% 53348'Tis the dream of each programmer, 53349Before his life is done, 53350To write three lines of APL, 53351And make the damn things run. 53352% 53353To a Californian, a person must prove himself criminally insane before he 53354is allowed to drive a taxi in New York. For New York cabbies, honesty and 53355stopping at red lights are both optional. 53356 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts" 53357% 53358To a Californian, all New Yorkers are cold; even in heat they rarely go 53359above fifty-eight degrees. If you collapse on a street in New York, plan 53360to spend a few days there. 53361 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts" 53362% 53363To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons 53364in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other. 53365 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts" 53366% 53367To a New Yorker, all Californians are blond, even the blacks. There are, 53368in fact, whole neighborhoods that are zoned only for blond people. The 53369only way to tell the difference between California and Sweden is that the 53370Swedes speak better English. 53371 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts" 53372% 53373To a New Yorker, the only California houses on the market for less than 53374a million dollars are those on fire. These generally go for six hundred 53375thousand. 53376 -- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts" 53377% 53378To accuse others for one's own misfortunes is a sign of want of education. 53379To accuse oneself shows that one's education has begun. To accuse neither 53380oneself nor others shows that one's education is complete. 53381 -- Epictetus 53382% 53383To add insult to injury. 53384 -- Phaedrus 53385% 53386To any truly impartial person, it would 53387be obvious that I am always right. 53388% 53389To avoid criticism, do nothing, say nothing, be nothing. 53390 -- Elbert Hubbard 53391% 53392To be a kind of moral Unix, he touched the hem of Nature's shift. 53393 -- Shelley 53394% 53395To be beautiful is enough! if a woman can do that well who 53396should demand more from her? You don't want a rose to sing. 53397 -- Thackeray 53398% 53399To be considered successful, a woman must be much better at her job 53400than a man would have to be. Fortunately, this isn't difficult. 53401% 53402To be excellent when engaged in administration is to be like the North 53403Star. As it remains in its one position, all the other stars surround it. 53404 -- Confucius 53405% 53406To be great is to be misunderstood. 53407 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 53408% 53409To be happy one must be a) well fed, unhounded by sordid cares, at ease in 53410Zion, b) full of a comfortable feeling of superiority to the masses of one's 53411fellow men, and c) delicately and unceasingly amused according to one's taste. 53412It is my contention that, if this definition be accepted, there is no country 53413in the world wherein a man constituted as I am -- a man of my peculiar 53414weaknesses, vanities, appetites, and aversions -- can be so happy as he can 53415be in the United States. Going further, I lay down the doctrine that it is 53416a sheer physical impossibility for such a man to live in the United States 53417and not be happy. 53418 -- H. L. Mencken, "On Being An American" 53419% 53420To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it. 53421% 53422To be is to be related. 53423 -- C. J. Keyser 53424% 53425To be is to do. 53426 -- I. Kant 53427To do is to be. 53428 -- A. Sartre 53429Do be a Do Bee! 53430 -- Miss Connie, Romper Room 53431Do be do be do! 53432 -- F. Sinatra 53433Yabba-Dabba-Doo! 53434 -- F. Flintstone 53435% 53436To be loved is very demoralizing. 53437 -- Katharine Hepburn 53438% 53439to be nobody but yourself in a world 53440which is doing its best night and day 53441to make you like everybody else 53442means to fight the hardest battle 53443any human being can fight and 53444never stop fighting. 53445 -- e. e. cummings 53446% 53447To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to, 53448night and day, to make you everybody else -- means to fight the hardest 53449battle which any human being can fight; and never stop fighting. 53450 -- E. E. Cummings, "A Miscellany" 53451% 53452To be or not to be. 53453 -- Shakespeare 53454To do is to be. 53455 -- Nietzsche 53456To be is to do. 53457 -- Sartre 53458Do be do be do. 53459 -- Sinatra 53460% 53461To be or not to be, that is the bottom line. 53462% 53463To be patriotic, hate all nations but your own; to be religious, all sects 53464but your own; to be moral, all pretences but your own. 53465 -- Lionel Strachey 53466% 53467"To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore 53468this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to 53469offer in response is based on information available to make no such 53470statement." 53471% 53472To be successful, a woman has to be much better at her job than a man. 53473 -- Golda Meir 53474% 53475To be successful, a woman must do her job ten times 53476as well as a man. Fortunately, this is not difficult. 53477% 53478To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit, 53479call it the target. 53480% 53481To be trusted is a greater compliment than to be loved. 53482% 53483To be who one is, is not to be someone else. 53484% 53485To be wise, the only thing you really need 53486to know is when to say "I don't know." 53487% 53488To believe your own thought, to believe that what is true for 53489you in your private heart is true for all men -- that is genius. 53490 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 53491% 53492To code the impossible code, This is my quest -- 53493To bring up a virgin machine, To debug that code, 53494To pop out of endless recursion, No matter how hopeless, 53495To grok what appears on the screen, No matter the load, 53496 To write those routines 53497To right the unrightable bug, Without question or pause, 53498To endlessly twiddle and thrash, To be willing to hack FORTRAN IV 53499To mount the unmountable magtape, For a heavenly cause. 53500To stop the unstoppable crash! And I know if I'll only be true 53501 To this glorious quest, 53502And the queue will be better for this, That my code will run CUSPy and calm, 53503That one man, scorned and When it's put to the test. 53504 destined to lose, 53505Still strove with his last allocation 53506To scrap the unscrappable kludge! 53507 -- To "The Impossible Dream", from Man of La Mancha 53508% 53509To communicate is the beginning of understanding. 53510 -- AT&T 53511% 53512To converse at the distance of the Indes by means of sympathetic contrivances 53513may be as natural to future times as to us is a literary correspondence. 53514 -- Joseph Glanvill, 1661 53515% 53516To craunch a marmoset. 53517 -- Pedro Carolino, "English as She is Spoke" 53518% 53519To criticize the incompetent is easy; 53520it is more difficult to criticize the competent. 53521% 53522To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life. 53523 -- Senator Edmund Muskie 53524% 53525To do nothing is to be nothing. 53526% 53527To do two things at once is to do neither. 53528 -- Publilius Syrus 53529% 53530To doubt everything or to believe everything are two equally 53531convenient solutions; both dispense with the necessity of reflection. 53532 -- H. Poincare 53533% 53534To envision how a 4-processor system running [SunOS] 4.1.x works, think 53535of four kids and one bathroom. 53536 -- John DiMarco 53537% 53538To err is human -- but it feels divine. 53539 -- Mae West 53540% 53541To err is human -- to blame it on a computer is even more so. 53542% 53543To err is human, but I can REALLY foul things up. 53544% 53545To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer. 53546% 53547To err is human, but when the eraser wears out 53548before the pencil, you're overdoing it a little. 53549% 53550To err is human; to admit it, a blunder. 53551% 53552To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System. 53553% 53554To err is human, to forgive, infrequent. 53555% 53556To err is human, to forgive is against company policy. 53557% 53558To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy. 53559% 53560To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy. 53561 -- MIT Assassination Club 53562% 53563To err is human, to forgive unusual. 53564% 53565To err is human, to purr feline. 53566To err is human, two curs canine. 53567To err is human, to moo bovine. 53568% 53569To err is human, to repent, divine, to persist, devilish. 53570 -- Benjamin Franklin 53571% 53572To err is human. 53573To blame someone else for your mistakes is even more human. 53574% 53575To err is human, 53576To purr feline. 53577 -- Robert Byrne 53578% 53579To err is humor. 53580% 53581To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D. 53582 -- B. Duggan 53583% 53584To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: 53585A time to be born, and a time to die; 53586A time to plant, and a time to pluck what is planted; 53587A time to kill, and a time to heal; 53588A time to break down, and a time to build up; 53589A time to weep, and a time to laugh; 53590A time to mourn, and a time to dance; 53591A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones; 53592A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 53593A time to gain, and a time to lose; 53594A time to keep, and a time to throw away; 53595A time to tear, and a time to sew; 53596A time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 53597A time to love, and a time to hate; 53598A time of war, and a time of peace. 53599 Ecclesiastes 3:1-9 53600% 53601To fear love is to fear life, and those 53602who fear life are already three parts dead. 53603 -- Bertrand Russell 53604% 53605To find a friend one must close one eye; to keep him -- two. 53606 -- Norman Douglas 53607% 53608To find out a girl's faults, praise her to her girl friends. 53609 -- Benjamin Franklin 53610% 53611To generalize is to be an idiot. 53612 -- William Blake 53613% 53614To get back on your feet, miss two car payments. 53615% 53616To get something clean, one has to get something dirty. 53617To get something dirty, one does not have to get anything clean. 53618% 53619To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three 53620men, two of them absent. 53621% 53622To give happiness is to deserve happiness. 53623% 53624To give of yourself, you must first know yourself. 53625% 53626To have died once is enough. 53627 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 53628% 53629To hell with the Prime Directive; 53630Let's KILL something! 53631% 53632To invent, you need a good imagination and a pile of junk. 53633 -- Thomas Edison 53634% 53635To iterate is human, to recurse, divine. 53636 -- Robert Heller 53637% 53638To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war. 53639 -- Winston Churchill, on Korean War negotiations 53640% 53641To keep your friends treat them kindly; 53642to kill them, treat them often. 53643% 53644To know Edina is to reject it. 53645 -- Dudley Riggs, "The Year the Grinch Stole the Election" 53646% 53647To laugh at men of sense is the privilege of fools. 53648% 53649To lead people, you must follow behind. 53650 -- Lao Tsu 53651% 53652To listen to some devout people, 53653one would imagine that God never laughs. 53654 -- Sri Aurobindo 53655% 53656To love is good, love being difficult. 53657% 53658To make an enemy, do someone a favor. 53659% 53660To make tax forms true they should 53661read "Income Owed Us" and "Incommode You". 53662% 53663To many, total abstinence is easier than perfect moderation. 53664 -- St. Augustine 53665% 53666TO ME, CLOWNS AREN'T FUNNY. In fact, they're kinda scary. I've wondered 53667where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went to the 53668circus and a clown killed my dad. 53669 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. 53670% 53671To one large turkey add one gallon of vermouth and a demijohn of Angostura 53672bitters. Shake. 53673 -- F. Scott Fitzgerald, recipe for turkey cocktail 53674% 53675To our sweethearts and wives. May they never meet. 53676 -- 19th century toast 53677% 53678To refuse praise is to seek praise twice. 53679% 53680To restore a sense of reality, I think 53681Walt Disney should have a Hardluckland. 53682 -- Jack Paar 53683% 53684To save a single life is better than to build a seven story pagoda. 53685% 53686To say that UNIX is doomed is pretty rabid, OS/2 will certainly play a role, 53687but you don't build a hundred million instructions per second multiprocessor 53688micro and then try to run it on OS/2. I mean, get serious. 53689 -- William Zachmann, International Data Corp 53690% 53691To say you got a vote of confidence 53692would be to say you needed a vote of confidence. 53693 -- Andrew Young 53694% 53695To see a need and wait to be asked, is to already refuse. 53696% 53697To see the butcher slap the steak, before he laid it on the block, 53698and give his knife a sharpening, was to forget breakfast instantly. It was 53699agreeable, too -it really was- to see him cut it off, so smooth and juicy. 53700There was nothing savage in the act, although the knife was large and keen; 53701it was a piece of art, high art; there was delicacy of touch, clearness of 53702tone, skilful handling of the subject, fine shading. It was the triumph of 53703mind over matter; quite. 53704 -- Charles Dickens, "Martin Chuzzlewit" 53705% 53706To see you is to sympathize. 53707% 53708To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts 53709the job will take the longest and cost the most. 53710% 53711To stand and be still, 53712At the Birkenhead drill, 53713Is a damned tough bullet to chew. 53714 -- Rudyard Kipling 53715% 53716To stay young requires unceasing cultivation 53717of the ability to unlearn old falsehoods. 53718 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough For Love" 53719% 53720To stay youthful, stay useful. 53721% 53722To teach is to learn. 53723% 53724To teach is to learn twice. 53725 -- Joseph Joubert 53726% 53727To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall. 53728% 53729To the landlord belongs the doorknobs. 53730% 53731To the systems programmer, users and applications serve only to provide 53732a test load. 53733% 53734To Theodore Roosevelt: 53735 You are like the Wind and I like the Lion. You form the Tempest. 53736The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched. I roar in defiance but 53737you do not hear. But between us there is a difference. I, like the lion, 53738must remain in my place. While you, like the wind, will never know yours. 53739 Mulay Hamid El Raisuli 53740 Lord of the Riff 53741 Sultan to the Berbers 53742 Last of the Barbary Pirates 53743% 53744To thine own self be true. 53745(If not that, at least make some money.) 53746% 53747To think contrary to one's era is heroism. But to speak against it is 53748madness. 53749 -- Eugene Ionesco 53750% 53751To those accustomed to the precise, structured methods of conventional 53752system development, exploratory development techniques may seem messy, 53753inelegant, and unsatisfying. But it's a question of congruence: 53754precision and flexibility may be just as dysfunctional in novel, 53755uncertain situations as sloppiness and vacillation are in familiar, 53756well-defined ones. Those who admire the massive, rigid bone structures 53757of dinosaurs should remember that jellyfish still enjoy their very 53758secure ecological niche. 53759 -- Beau Sheil, "Power Tools for Programmers" 53760% 53761TO THOSE OF YOU WHO DESIRE IT, I GRANT YOU MADRAK'S BLESSING: 53762 53763 Insofar as I may be heard by anything, which may or may not care 53764what I say, I ask, if it matters, that you be forgiven for anything you 53765may have done or failed to do which requires forgiveness. 53766 Conversely, if not forgiveness but something else be required 53767to ensure any possible benefit for which you may be eligible after the 53768destruction of your body, I ask that this, whatever it may be, be granted 53769or withheld, as the case may be, in such a manner as to ensure your 53770receiving said benefit. 53771 I ask this in my capacity as your elected intermediary between 53772yourself and that which may have an interest in the matter of your receiving 53773as much as it is possible for you to receive of this thing, and which may 53774in some way be influenced by this ceremony. 53775 Amen. 53776 -- Roger Zelazny, "Creatures of Light and Darkness", 1969 53777% 53778To understand a program you must become both the machine and the program. 53779% 53780To understand the heart and mind of a person, look not at what 53781he has already achieved, but at what he aspires to do. 53782% 53783To understand this important story, you have to understand how the 53784telephone company works. Your telephone is connected to a local 53785computer, which is in turn connected to a regional computer, which is 53786in turn connected to a loudspeaker the size of a garbage truck on the 53787lawn of Edna A. Bargewater of Lawrence, Kan. 53788 53789Whenever you talk on the phone, your local computer listens in. If it 53790suspects you're going to discuss an intimate topic, it notifies the 53791computer above it, which listens in and decides whether to alert the 53792one above it, until finally, if you really humiliate yourself, maybe 53793break down in tears and tell your closest friend about a sordid 53794incident from your past involving a seedy motel, a neighbor's spouse, 53795an entire religious order, a garden hose and six quarts of tapioca 53796pudding, the top computer feeds your conversation into Edna's 53797loudspeaker, and she and her friends come out on the porch to listen 53798and drink gin and laugh themselves silly. 53799 -- Dave Barry, "Won't It Be Just Great Owning Our Own 53800 Phones?" 53801% 53802To use violence is to already be defeated. 53803 -- Chinese proverb 53804% 53805"To vacillate or not to vacillate, that is the question ... or is it?" 53806% 53807To whom the mornings are like nights, 53808What must the midnights be! 53809 -- Emily Dickinson (on hacking?) 53810% 53811To write a sonnet you must ruthlessly 53812strip down your words to naked, willing flesh. 53813Then bind them to a metaphor or three, 53814and take by force a satisfying mesh. 53815Arrange them to your will, each foot in place. 53816You are the master here, and they the slaves. 53817Now whip them to maintain a constant pace 53818and rhythm as they stand in even staves. 53819A word that strikes no pleasure? Cast it out! 53820What use are words that drive not to the heart? 53821A lazy phrase? Discard it, shrug off doubt, 53822and choose more docile words to take its part. 53823A well-trained sonnet lives to entertain, 53824by making love directly to the brain. 53825% 53826"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition." 53827 -- Woody Allen 53828% 53829Tobacco is a filthy weed, 53830That from the devil does proceed; 53831It drains your purse, it burns your clothes, 53832And makes a chimney of your nose. 53833 -- B. Waterhouse 53834% 53835TODAY: 53836 A nice place to visit, but you can't stay here for long. 53837% 53838Today is a good day for information-gathering. 53839Read someone else's mail file. 53840% 53841Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official. 53842% 53843Today is National Existential Ennui Awareness Day. 53844% 53845Today is the first day of the rest of the mess. 53846% 53847Today is the first day of the rest of your life. 53848% 53849Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage. 53850% 53851Today is the last day of your life so far. 53852% 53853Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday. 53854% 53855Today is what happened to yesterday. 53856% 53857"Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word 53858except in major motion pictures." 53859 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 53860% 53861Today when a man gets married he gets a home, a housekeeper, a cook, a 53862cheering squad and another paycheck. When a woman marries, she gets a 53863boarder. 53864% 53865Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures. 53866% 53867Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity? 53868 53869And where does it go after it leaves the toaster? 53870 -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?" 53871% 53872"Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new 53873cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more 53874spectacular adventure starring ... Tippy, the Wonder Dog." 53875 -- Bob & Ray 53876% 53877Today's weirdness is tomorrow's reason why. 53878 -- Hunter S. Thompson 53879% 53880Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy. 53881% 53882Toilet Toup'ee, n.: 53883 Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus 53884creating endless annoyance to male users. 53885 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 53886% 53887Tomorrow, this will be part of the unchangeable past 53888but fortunately, it can still be changed today. 53889% 53890Tomorrow will be canceled due to lack of interest. 53891% 53892Tomorrow, you can be anywhere. 53893% 53894Tomorrow's computers some time next month. 53895 -- DEC 53896% 53897Tom's hungry, time to eat lunch. 53898% 53899Tonight you will pay the wages of sin; 53900Don't forget to leave a tip. 53901% 53902Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree. 53903% 53904Toni's Solution to a Guilt-Free Life: 53905 If you have to lie to someone, it's their fault. 53906% 53907Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy 53908driving cabs and cutting hair. 53909 -- George Burns 53910% 53911TOO BAD YOU CAN'T BUY a voodoo globe so that you could make the earth spin 53912real fast and freak everybody out. 53913 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. 53914% 53915Too clever is dumb. 53916 -- Ogden Nash 53917% 53918Too cool to calypso, 53919Too tough to tango, 53920Too weird to watusi 53921 -- The Only Ones 53922% 53923Too Late 53924 A large number of turkies [sic] went to San Francisco yesterday by 53925the two o'clock boats. If their object in going down was to participate in 53926the Thanksgiving festivities of that city, they would arrive "the day after 53927the affair," and of course be sadly disappointed thereby. 53928 -- Sacramento Daily Union, November 29, 1861 53929% 53930Too many people are thinking of security instead of opportunity. 53931They seem more afraid of life than death. 53932 -- James F. Byrnes 53933% 53934Too much is just enough. 53935 -- Mark Twain, on whiskey 53936% 53937Too much is not enough. 53938% 53939Too much of a good thing is WONDERFUL. 53940 -- Mae West 53941% 53942Too much of everything is just enough. 53943 -- Bob Wier 53944% 53945Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available 53946briefcases. 53947 -- Governor Jerry Brown 53948% 53949Too often people have come to me and said, "If I had just one wish for 53950anything in all the world, I would wish for more user-defined equations 53951in the HP-51820A Waveform Generator Software." 53952 -- Instrument News 53953 [Once is too often. Ed.] 53954% 53955Too ripped. Gotta go. 53956% 53957Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch. 53958% 53959Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer: 53960 5396110) Specifications are for the weak and timid! 53962 9) You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand! 53963 8) Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull! 53964 7) What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. 53965 Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality 53966 assurance people in its wake. 53967 6) Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' 53968 - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM. 53969 5) Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak. 53970 4) A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code! 53971 3) Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features 53972 are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand. 53973 2) You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the 53974 original Klingon. 53975 1) Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! 53976 Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are! 53977% 53978Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the 53979earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century. 53980As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help. 53981Please... 53982 53983 CONSERVE GRAVITY 53984 53985Follow these simple suggestions: 53986 53987(1) Walk with a light step. Carry helium balloons if possible. 53988(2) Use tape, magnets, or glue instead of paperweights. 53989(3) Give up skiing and skydiving for more horizontal sports like 53990 curling. 53991(4) Avoid showers ... take baths instead. 53992(5) Don't hang all your clothes in the closet ... Keep them in one big 53993 pile. 53994(6) Stop flipping pancakes 53995% 53996Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings: 53997 5399810: Sorry, but that's too useful. 53999 9: Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent! 54000 8: I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell 54001 #pragma is for. 54002 7: Well, it's an excellent idea, but it would make the compilers too 54003 hard to write. 54004 6: Them bats is smart; they use radar. 54005 5: All right, who's the wiseguy who stuck this trigraph stuff in here? 54006 4: How many times do we have to tell you, "No prior art!" 54007 3: Ha, ha, I can't believe they're actually going to adopt this sucker. 54008 2: Thank you for your generous donation, Mr. Wirth. 54009 1: Gee, I wish we hadn't backed down on "noalias". 54010% 54011Topologists are just plane folks. 54012 Pilots are just plane folks. 54013 Carpenters are just plane folks. 54014 Midwest farmers are just plain folks. 54015 Musicians are just playin' folks. 54016 Whodunit readers are just Spillaine folks. 54017Some Londoners are just P. Lane folks. 54018% 54019Torque is cheap. 54020% 54021Total strangers need love, too; and I'm stranger than most. 54022% 54023TOTD (T-shirt Of The Day): 54024 I'm the person your mother warned you about. 54025% 54026Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore. 54027 -- Judy Garland, "The Wizard of Oz" 54028% 54029Tourists -- have some fun with New York's hard-boiled cabbies. When you 54030get to your destination, say to your driver, "Pay? I was hitch-hiking." 54031 -- David Letterman 54032% 54033Tout choses sont dites deja, mais comme 54034personne n'ecoute, il faut toujours recommencer. 54035 -- A. Gide 54036% 54037Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. 54038 -- David Letterman 54039% 54040TRANSACTION CANCELLED - FARECARD RETURNED 54041% 54042TRANSFER: 54043 A promotion you receive on the condition that you leave town. 54044% 54045TRANSPARENT: 54046 Being or pertaining to an existing, nontangible object. 54047 "It's there, but you can't see it" 54048 -- IBM System/360 announcement, 1964 54049 54050VIRTUAL: 54051 Being or pertaining to a tangible, nonexistent object. 54052 "I can see it, but it's not there." 54053 -- Lady Macbeth 54054% 54055TRANSVESTITE: 54056 Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad. 54057% 54058Trap full -- please empty. 54059% 54060TRAVEL: 54061 Something that makes you feel like you're getting somewhere. 54062% 54063Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow. 54064% 54065Traveling through hyperspace isn't like dusting crops, boy. 54066 -- Han Solo 54067% 54068Traveling through New England, a motorist stopped for gas in a tiny village. 54069"What's this place called?" he asked the station attendant. 54070 "All depends," the native drawled. "Do you mean by them that has 54071to live in this dad-blamed, moth-eaten, dust-covered, one-hoss dump, or 54072by them that's merely enjoying its quaint and picturesque rustic charms 54073for a short spell?" 54074% 54075Treat your friend as if he might become an enemy. 54076 -- Publilius Syrus 54077% 54078Treaties are like roses and young girls -- they last while they last. 54079 -- Charles DeGaulle 54080% 54081Trifles make perfection, and perfection is no trifle. 54082 -- Michelangelo 54083% 54084Troglodytism does not necessarily imply a low cultural level. 54085% 54086Trouble always comes at the wrong time. 54087% 54088Trouble strikes in series of threes, but when working around the house the 54089next job after a series of three is not the fourth job -- it's the start of 54090a brand new series of three. 54091% 54092Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful, wealthy, and live 54093in eucalyptus trees. 54094% 54095Troubles are like babies; they only grow by nursing. 54096% 54097True happiness will be found only in true love. 54098% 54099True leadership is the art of changing 54100a group from what it is to what it ought to be. 54101 -- Virginia Allan 54102% 54103True to our past we work with an inherited, observed, and accepted vision of 54104personal futility, and of the beauty of the world. 54105 -- David Mamet 54106% 54107Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant 54108intelligence. 54109 -- Henrik Tikkanen 54110% 54111Truly simple systems... require infinite testing. 54112 -- Norman Augustine 54113% 54114Trust everybody, but cut the cards. 54115 -- Finley Peter Dunne, "Mr. Dooley's Philosophy" 54116% 54117Trust in Allah, but tie your camel. 54118 -- Arabian proverb 54119% 54120TRUST ME: 54121 Get me, give me, buy me, do me. 54122% 54123TRUST ME: 54124 Translation of the Latin "caveat emptor." 54125% 54126Trust your husband, adore your husband, 54127and get as much as you can in your own name. 54128 -- Joan Rivers 54129% 54130Truth can wait; he's used to it. 54131% 54132Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now -- always. 54133 -- Albert Schweitzer 54134% 54135Truth is free, but information costs. 54136% 54137Truth is hard to find and harder to obscure. 54138% 54139"Truth is stranger than fiction, because fiction has to make sense." 54140% 54141Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it. 54142 -- Mark Twain 54143% 54144Truth never comes into the world but like a bastard, to the ignominy 54145of him that brought her birth. 54146 -- Milton 54147% 54148Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.) 54149% 54150Truthful, adj.: 54151 Dumb and illiterate. 54152 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 54153% 54154try again 54155% 54156Try not to have a good time ... This is supposed to be educational. 54157 -- Charles Schulz 54158% 54159Try not. 54160Do. 54161Or do not. 54162There is no try. 54163% 54164Try `stty 0' -- it works much better. 54165% 54166Try the Moo Shu Pork. It is especially good today. 54167% 54168Try to be the best of whatever you are, even if what you are is no good. 54169% 54170Try to divide your time evenly to keep others happy. 54171% 54172Try to find the real tense of the report you are reading: Was it done, 54173is it being done, or is something to be done? Reports are now written 54174in four tenses: past tense, present tense, future tense, and 54175pretense. Watch for novel uses of CONGRAM (CONtractor GRAMmer), 54176defined by the imperfect past, the insufficient present, and the 54177absolutely perfect future. 54178 -- Amrom Katz 54179% 54180Try to get all of your posthumous medals in advance. 54181% 54182Try to have as good a life as you can under the circumstances. 54183% 54184Try to relax and enjoy the crisis. 54185 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 54186% 54187Try to value useful qualities in one who loves you. 54188% 54189Trying to be happy is like trying to build a machine for which the only 54190specification is that it should run noiselessly. 54191% 54192Trying to define yourself is like trying to bite your own teeth. 54193 -- Alan Watts 54194% 54195Trying to establish voice contact ... please ____yell into keyboard. 54196% 54197Trying to get an education here is like 54198trying to take a drink from a fire hose. 54199% 54200T-shirt: 54201 Life is *not* a Cabaret, and stop calling me chum! 54202% 54203Tuesday After Lunch is the cosmic time of the week. 54204% 54205Tuesday is the Wednesday of the rest of your life. 54206% 54207Turn on, tune in, and take over. 54208 -- Tim Leary 54209% 54210Turn the other cheek. 54211 -- Jesus Christ 54212% 54213Turnaucka's Law: 54214 The attention span of a computer is only as long as its 54215electrical cord. 54216% 54217Tussman's Law: 54218 Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come. 54219% 54220TV is chewing gum for the eyes. 54221 -- Frank Lloyd Wright 54222% 54223'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, 54224and I never even had the decency to thank her. 54225 -- R. B. Gossling 54226% 54227"Twas bergen and the eirie road 54228Did mahwah into patterson: "Beware the Hopatcong, my son! 54229All jersey were the ocean groves, The teeth that bite, the nails 54230And the red bank bayonne. that claw! 54231 Beware the bound brook bird, and shun 54232He took his belmar blade in hand: The kearney communipaw." 54233Long time the folsom foe he sought 54234Till rested he by a bayway tree And, as in nutley thought he stood, 54235And stood a while in thought. The Hopatcong with eyes of flame, 54236 Came whippany through the englewood, 54237One, two, one, two, and through And garfield as it came. 54238 and through 54239The belmar blade went hackensack! "And hast thou slain the Hopatcong? 54240He left it dead and with it's head Come to my arms, my perth amboy! 54241He went weehawken back. Hohokus day! Soho! Rahway!" 54242 He caldwell in his joy. 54243Did mahwah into patterson: 54244All jersey were the ocean groves, 54245And the red bank bayonne. 54246 -- Paul Kieffer 54247% 54248'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves 54249Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. "Beware the Jabberwock, my son! 54250All mimsy were the borogroves The jaws that bite, the claws 54251And the mome raths outgrabe. that catch! 54252 Beware the Jubjub bird, 54253He took his vorpal sword in hand And shun the frumious Bandersnatch!" 54254Long time the manxome foe he sought. 54255So rested he by the tumtum tree And as in uffish thought he stood 54256And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberwock, with eyes aflame 54257 Came whuffling through the tulgey wood 54258One! Two! One! Two! And through and And burbled as it came! 54259 through 54260The vorpal blade went snicker-snack. "Hast thou slain the Jabberwock? 54261He left it dead, and took its head, Come to my arms, my beamish boy! 54262And went galumphing back. Oh frabjous day! Calooh! Callay!" 54263 He chortled in his joy. 54264'Twas brillig, and the slithy toves 54265Did gyre and gimble in the wabe. 54266All mimsy were the borogroves 54267And the mome raths outgrabe. 54268 -- Lewis Carroll, "Jabberwocky" 54269% 54270'Twas bullig, and the slithy brokers 54271Did buy and gamble in the craze "Beware the Jabberstock, my son! 54272All rosy were the Dow Jones stokers The cost that bites, the worth 54273By market's wrath unphased. that falls! 54274 Beware the Econ'mist's word, and shun 54275He took his forecast sword in hand: The spurious Street o' Walls!" 54276Long time the Boesk'some foe he sought - 54277Sake's liquidity, so d'vested he, And as in bearish thought he stood 54278And stood awhile in thought. The Jabberstock, with clothes of tweed, 54279 Came waffling with the truth too good, 54280Chip Black! Chip Blue! And through And yuppied great with greed! 54281 and through 54282The forecast blade went snicker-snack! "And hast thou slain the Jabberstock? 54283It bit the dirt, and with its shirt, Come to my firm, V.P.ish boy! 54284He went rebounding back. O big bucks day! Moolah! Good Play!" 54285 He bought him a Mercedes Toy. 54286'Twas panic, and the slithy brokers 54287Did gyre and tumble in the Crash 54288All flimsy were the Dow Jones stokers 54289And mammon's wrath them bash! 54290 -- Peter Stucki, "Jabberstocky" 54291% 54292'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks 54293Did gyre and gimble in their cave 54294All mimsy was the CS-VAX 54295And Cory raths outgrave. 54296 54297"Beware the software rot, my son! 54298The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash! 54299Beware the broken pipe, and shun 54300The frumious system crash!" 54301% 54302'Twas midnight on the ocean, Her children all were orphans, 54303Not a streetcar was in sight, Except one a tiny tot, 54304So I stepped into a cigar store Who had a home across the way 54305To ask them for a light. Above a vacant lot. 54306 54307The man behind the counter As I gazed through the oaken door 54308Was a woman, old and gray, A whale went drifting by, 54309Who used to peddle doughnuts Its six legs hanging in the air, 54310On the road to Mandalay. So I kissed her goodbye. 54311 54312She said "Good morning, stranger", This story has a morale 54313Her eyes were dry with tears, As you can plainly see, 54314As she put her head between her feet Don't mix your gin with whiskey 54315And stood that way for years. On the deep and dark blue sea. 54316 -- Midnight On The Ocean 54317% 54318'Twas the night before Christmas -- the very last one -- 54319When the blazing of lasers destroyed all our fun. 54320Just as Santa had lifted off, driving his sleigh, 54321A satellite spotted him making his way. 54322The Star Wars Defense System -- Reagan's desire 54323Was ready for action, and started to fire! 54324The laser beams criss-crossed and lit up the sky 54325Like a fireworks show on the Fourth of July. 54326I'd just finished wrapping the last of the toys 54327When out of my chimney there came a great noise. 54328I looked to the fireplace, hoping to see 54329St. Nick bringing presents for missus and me. 54330But what I saw next was disturbing and shocking: 54331A flaming red jacket setting fire to my stocking! 54332Charred reindeer remains and a melted sleigh-bell; 54333Outside burning toys like confetti they fell. 54334So now you know, children, why Christmas is gone: 54335The Star Wars computer had got something wrong. 54336Only programmed for battle, it hadn't a heart; 54337'Twas hardly a chance it would work from the start. 54338It couldn't be tested, and no one could tell, 54339If the crazy contraption would work very well. 54340So after a trillion or two had been spent 54341The system thought Santa a Red missile sent. 54342So kids dry your tears now, and get off to bed, 54343There won't be a Christmas -- since Santa is dead. 54344% 54345'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period 54346 preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And 54347 throughout our place of residence, 54348Kinetic activity was not in evidence among the 54349 possessors of this potential, including that 54350 species of domestic rodent known as Mus musculus. 54351Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward 54352 edge of the woodburning caloric apparatus, 54353Pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an 54354 imminent visitation from an eccentric 54355 philanthropist among whose folkloric appelations 54356 is the honorific title of St. Nicklaus ... 54357% 54358Twenty Percent of Zero is Better than Nothing. 54359 -- Walt Kelly 54360% 54361Twenty two thousand days. 54362Twenty two thousand days. 54363It's not a lot. 54364It's all you've got. 54365Twenty two thousand days. 54366 -- Moody Blues, "Twenty Two Thousand Days" 54367% 54368Two battleships assigned to the training squadron had been at sea on maneuvers 54369in heavy weather for several days. I was serving on the lead battleship and 54370was on watch on the bridge as night fell. The visibility was poor with patchy 54371fog, so the Captain remained on the bridge keeping an eye on all activities. 54372 Shortly after dark, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported, 54373"Light, bearing on the starboard bow." 54374 "Is it steady or moving astern?" the Captain called out. 54375 Lookout replied, "Steady, Captain," which meant we were on a dangerous 54376collision course with that ship. 54377 The Captain then called to the signalman, "Signal that ship: We are on 54378a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees." 54379 Back came a signal "Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees." 54380 In reply, the Captain said, "Send: I'm a Captain, change course 20 54381degrees!" 54382 "I'm a seaman second class," came the reply, "You had better change 54383course 20 degrees." 54384 By that time, the Captain was furious. He spit out, "Send: I'm a 54385battleship, change course 20 degrees." 54386 Back came the flashing light: "I'm a lighthouse!" 54387 We changed course. 54388 -- The Naval Institute's "Proceedings" 54389% 54390Two can Live as Cheaply as One for Half as Long. 54391 -- Howard Kandel 54392% 54393Two cars in every pot and a chicken in every garage. 54394% 54395Two Finns and a penguin are sitting on the front porch of a large house. The 54396penguin is dripping in sweat; his owner looks down and says to the other Finn, 54397"Hey Urho, I want that you should take the penguin to the zoo, okay?" The 54398owner then runs off to the sauna. When he gets out of the sauna, he looks 54399up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating 54400away. So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to 54401the zoo, I did." And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to 54402the movies!" 54403% 54404Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his 54405barstool and lay motionless on the floor. 54406 "One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure 54407knows when to stop." 54408% 54409Two heads are better than one. 54410 -- John Heywood 54411% 54412Two heads are more numerous than one. 54413% 54414Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was 54415performing her normal housekeeping routines. She was interrupted by 54416British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General 54417Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in 54418her home. Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided 54419a nearby apple in two and deftly stored the list in its center. Upon 54420entering, the British blatantly violated every conceivable convention, 54421and, though they went through the house virtually bit by bit, their 54422search was fruitless. They had to return empty handed. Word of the 54423incident propagated rapidly through the region. This historic event 54424became the first documented use of core storage for the saving of registers. 54425% 54426Two is company, three is an orgy. 54427% 54428Two is not equal to three, even for large values of two. 54429% 54430Two men are in a hot-air balloon. Soon, they find themselves lost in a 54431canyon somewhere. One of the three men says, "I've got an idea. We can 54432call for help in this canyon and the echo will carry our voices to the 54433end of the canyon. Someone's bound to hear us by then!" 54434 So he leans over the basket and screams out, "Helllloooooo! Where 54435are we?" (They hear the echo several times). 54436 Fifteen minutes later, they hear this echoing voice: "Helllloooooo! 54437You're lost!" 54438 The shouter comments, "That must have been a mathematician." 54439 Puzzled, his friend asks, "Why do you say that?" 54440 "For three reasons. First, he took a long time to answer, second, 54441he was absolutely correct, and, third, his answer was absolutely useless." 54442% 54443Two men came before Nasrudin when he was magistrate. The first man 54444said, "This man has bitten my ear -- I demand compensation." The 54445second man said, "He bit it himself." Nasrudin withdrew to his 54446chambers, and spent an hour trying to bite his own ear. He succeeded 54447only in falling over and bruising his forehead. Returning to the 54448courtroom, Nasrudin pronounced, "Examine the man whose ear was bitten. 54449If his forehead is bruised, he did it himself and the case is 54450dismissed. If his forehead is not bruised, the other man did it and 54451must pay three silver pieces." 54452% 54453Two men look out through the same bars; one sees mud, and one the stars. 54454% 54455Two men were sitting over coffee, contemplating the nature of things, 54456with all due respect for their breakfast. "I wonder why it is that 54457toast always falls on the buttered side," said one. 54458 "Tell me," replied his friend, "why you say such a thing. Look 54459at this." And he dropped his toast on the floor, where it landed on the 54460dry side. 54461 "So, what have you to say for your theory now?" 54462 "What am I to say? You obviously buttered the wrong side." 54463% 54464Two peanuts were walking through the New York. One was assaulted. 54465% 54466Two percent of zero is almost nothing. 54467% 54468Two rights don't make a wrong, they make an airplane. 54469% 54470Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square. One of them says, "By 54471the way, did you hear that Romanov died?" 54472 "No," replied the other, "I didn't even know he'd been arrested!" 54473% 54474Two sure ways to tell a REALLY sexy man; the first is, he has a bad memory. 54475I forget the second. 54476% 54477"Two sure ways to tell a sexy male; the first is, he has a bad memory. 54478I forget the second." 54479% 54480Two Swedish guys get of a ship and head for the nearest bars. Each one 54481orders two vodkas and immediately downs them. They they order two more 54482and once again quickly throw them back. They then order two more. When 54483they arrive, one of them picks up his glass, and, turning to the other, 54484toasts him, "Skoal!" 54485 The other turns to the first man and scolds, "Hey! Did you come 54486here to screw around, or did you come here to drink?" 54487% 54488Two wrongs are only the beginning. 54489 -- Kohn 54490% 54491Two wrongs don't make a right, but they make a good excuse. 54492 -- Thomas Szasz 54493% 54494Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do. 54495% 54496Tyger, Tyger, burning bright Where the hammer? Where the chain? 54497In the forests of the night, In what furnace was thy brain? 54498What immortal hand or eye What the anvil? What dread grasp 54499Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? Dare its deadly terrors clasp? 54500 54501Burnt in distant deeps or skies When the stars threw down their spears 54502The cruel fire of thine eyes? And water'd heaven with their tears 54503On what wings dare he aspire? Dare he laugh his work to see? 54504What the hand dare seize the fire? Dare he who made the lamb make thee? 54505 54506And what shoulder & what art Tyger, Tyger, burning bright 54507Could twist the sinews of they heart? In the forests of the night, 54508And when thy heart began to beat What immortal hand or eye 54509What dread hand & what dread feet Dare frame thy fearful symmetry? 54510 54511Could fetch it from the furnace deep 54512And in thy horrid ribs dare steep 54513In the well of sanguine woe? 54514In what clay & in what mould 54515Were thy eyes of fury roll'd? 54516 -- William Blake, "The Tyger" 54517% 54518Type louder, please. 54519% 54520U: There's a U -- a Unicorn! 54521 Run right up and rub its horn. 54522 Look at all those points you're losing! 54523 UMBER HULKS are so confusing. 54524 -- The Roguelet's ABC 54525% 54526"Ubi non accusator, ibi non judex." 54527 54528(Where there is no police, there is no speed limit.) 54529 -- Roman Law, trans. Petr Beckmann (1971) 54530% 54531Udall's Fourth Law: 54532 Any change or reform you make 54533 is going to have consequences you don't like. 54534% 54535UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist. 54536% 54537Uh-oh -- I've let the cat out of the bag. Let me, then, 54538straightforwardly state the thesis I shall now elaborate: 54539Making variations on a theme is really the crux of creativity. 54540 -- Douglas R. Hofstadter, "Metamagical Themas" 54541% 54542Ummm, well, OK. The network's the network, the computer's the computer. 54543Sorry for the confusion. 54544 -- Sun Microsystems 54545% 54546Unbearably lovely music is heard as the curtain rises, and we see the 54547woods on a summer afternoon. A fawn dances on and nibbles at some 54548leaves. He drifts lazily through the soft foliage. Soon he starts 54549coughing and drops dead. 54550 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 54551% 54552"Uncle Cosmo ... why do they call this a word processor?" 54553 54554"It's simple, Skyler ... you've seen what food processors do to food, 54555right?" 54556 -- MacNelley, "Shoe" 54557% 54558Uncle Cosmo, why do they call this a word processor? 54559It's simple, Skyler. You've seen what food processors do to food, right? 54560% 54561Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb: 54562 Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a 54563hammer or get a splinter in it. 54564% 54565Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a 54566just man is also in prison. 54567 -- Henry David Thoreau 54568% 54569Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some 54570ordinance under which you can be booked. 54571 -- Robert D. Sprecht, Rand Corp. 54572% 54573Under capitalism, man exploits man. 54574Under communism, it's just the opposite. 54575 -- J. K. Galbraith 54576% 54577Under deadline pressure for the next week. If you want something, it 54578can wait. Unless it's blind screaming paroxysmally hedonistic ... 54579% 54580Under every stone lurks a politician. 54581 -- Aristophanes 54582% 54583Under the wide an starry sky, 54584Dig my grave and let me lie, 54585Glad did I live and gladly die, 54586And laid me down with a will, 54587And this be the verse that you grave for me, 54588Here he lies where he longed to be, 54589Home is the sailor home from the sea, 54590And the hunter home from the hill. 54591 -- R. Kipling 54592% 54593Under the wide and heavy VAX 54594Dig my grave and let me relax 54595Long have I lived, and many my hacks 54596And I lay me down with a will. 54597These be the words that tell the way: 54598"Here he lies who piped 64K, 54599Brought down the machine for nearly a day, 54600And Rogue playing to an awful standstill." 54601% 54602Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics: 54603 Superiority is recessive. 54604% 54605understand, v: 54606 To reach a point, in your investigation of some subject, at which 54607 you cease to examine what is really present, and operate on the 54608 basis of your own internal model instead. 54609% 54610Understanding is always the understanding of a smaller problem 54611in relation to a bigger problem. 54612 -- P. D. Ouspensky 54613% 54614Unfair animal names: 54615 54616-- tsetse fly -- bullhead 54617-- booby -- duck-billed platypus 54618-- sapsucker -- Clarence 54619 -- Gary Larson 54620% 54621UNFAIR COMPETITION: 54622 Selling cheaper than we do. 54623% 54624Unfortunately, most programmers like to play with new toys. I have many 54625friends who, immediately upon buying a snakebite kit, would be tempted to 54626throw the first person they see to the ground, tie the tourniquet on him, 54627slash him with the knife, and apply suction to the wound. 54628 -- Jon Bentley 54629% 54630Unhappy the land that needs heroes. 54631 -- Bertolt Brecht 54632% 54633UNION: 54634 A dues-paying club workers wield to strike management. 54635% 54636United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the 54637Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of 54638all the military forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of 54639all the patriots of every persuasion. 54640 54641Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the 54642world. 54643 -- Isaac Asimov 54644% 54645universe, n: 54646 The problem. 54647% 54648Universities are places of knowledge. The freshman each bring a little 54649in with them, and the seniors take none away, so knowledge accumulates. 54650% 54651University, n.: 54652 Like a software house, except the software's free, and it's 54653usable, and it works, and if it breaks they'll quickly tell you how to 54654fix it, and ... 54655 54656 [Okay, okay, I'll leave it in, but I think you're destroying 54657 the credibility of the entire fortune program. Ed.] 54658% 54659University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small. 54660 -- Henry Kissinger 54661% 54662UNIX enhancements aren't. 54663% 54664Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple 54665of more feet, just to be sure. 54666 -- Eric Allman 54667 54668... We make rope. 54669 -- Rob Gingell on Sun Microsystems' new virtual memory 54670% 54671Unix is a lot more complicated (than CP/M) of course -- the typical Unix 54672hacker can never remember what the PRINT command is called this week -- 54673but when it gets right down to it, Unix is a glorified video game. 54674People don't do serious work on Unix systems; they send jokes around the 54675world on USENET or write adventure games and research papers. 54676 -- E. Post 54677 "Real Programmers Don't Use Pascal", "Datamation", 7/83 54678% 54679Unix is a Registered Bell of AT&T Trademark Laboratories. 54680 -- Donn Seeley 54681% 54682UNIX is hot. It's more than hot. It's steaming. It's quicksilver 54683lightning with a laserbeam kicker. 54684 -- Michael Jay Tucker 54685% 54686UNIX is many things to many people, 54687but it's never been everything to anybody. 54688% 54689Unix is the worst operating system; except for all others. 54690 -- Berry Kercheval 54691% 54692Unix, n: 54693 A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and 54694 impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off 54695 with the workstation harem. 54696% 54697unix soit qui mal y pense 54698% 54699UNIX was half a billion (500000000) seconds old on 54700Tue Nov 5 00:53:20 1985 GMT (measuring since the time(2) epoch). 54701 -- Andrew S. Tanenbaum 54702% 54703UNIX was not designed to stop you from doing stupid things, because that 54704would also stop you from doing clever things. 54705 -- Doug Gwyn 54706% 54707Unix will self-destruct in five seconds... 4... 3... 2... 1... 54708% 54709Unknown person(s) stole the American flag from its pole in Etra Park sometime 54710between 3pm Jan 17 and 11:30 am Jan 20. The flag is described as red, white 54711and blue, having 50 stars and was valued at $40. 54712 -- Windsor-Heights Herald "Police Blotter", Jan 28, 1987 54713% 54714Unless hours were cups of sack, and minutes capons, and clocks the tongues 54715of bawds, and dials the signs of leaping houses, and the blessed sun himself 54716a fair, hot wench in flame-colored taffeta, I see no reason why thou shouldst 54717be so superfluous to demand the time of the day. I wasted time and now doth 54718time waste me. 54719 -- William Shakespeare 54720% 54721Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense. 54722 -- E. E. Cummings 54723% 54724Unnamed Law: 54725 If it happens, it must be possible. 54726% 54727Unprovided with original learning, unformed in the habits of thinking, 54728unskilled in the arts of composition, I resolved to write a book. 54729 -- Edward Gibbon 54730% 54731Unquestionably, there is progress. The average American now pays out 54732twice as much in taxes as he formerly got in wages. 54733 -- H. L. Mencken 54734% 54735Until Eve arrived, this was a man's world. 54736 -- Richard Armour 54737% 54738UNTOLD WEALTH: 54739 What you left out on April 15th. 54740% 54741Up against the net, redneck mother, 54742Mother who has raised your son so well; 54743He's seventeen and hackin' on a Macintosh, 54744Flaming spelling errors and raisin' hell... 54745% 54746Usage: fortune -P [-f] -a [xsz] Q: file [rKe9] -v6[+] file1 ... 54747% 54748Usage: fortune -P [] -a [xsz] [Q: [file]] [rKe9] -v6[+] dataspec ... inputdir 54749% 54750Use a pun, go to jail. 54751% 54752Use an accordion. Go to jail. 54753 -- KFOG, San Francisco 54754% 54755Use what talents you possess: the woods would be very silent 54756if no birds sang there except those that sang best. 54757 -- Henry Van Dyke 54758% 54759USENET would be a better laboratory is there were 54760more labor and less oratory. 54761 -- Elizabeth Haley 54762% 54763User hostile. 54764% 54765User, n.: 54766 A programmer who will believe anything you tell him. 54767% 54768user, n.: 54769 The word computer professionals use when they mean "idiot." 54770 -- Dave Barry, "Claw Your Way to the Top" 54771 54772[I always thought "computer professional" was the phrase hackers used 54773 when they meant "idiot." Ed.] 54774% 54775Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach. 54776 -- S. C. Johnson 54777% 54778Using [Windows] for any sort of serious work is like playing an old 54779text-based adventure game. You're five feet from making it to your 54780goal, when bup-POW! a ten ton rock falls on your head. Because you 54781didn't disarm the trap three hours before. [...] 54782 54783I always hated those adventure games. 54784 -- David Gerard 54785% 54786Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef. 54787 -- Tom Robbins 54788% 54789/usr/news/gotcha 54790% 54791Usually, when a lot of men get together, it's called a war. 54792 -- Mel Brooks, "The Listener" 54793% 54794Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, 54795opulence is when you have three -- and paradise is when you have none. 54796 -- Doug Larson 54797% 54798VACATION: 54799 A two-week binge of rest and relaxation so intense that 54800 it takes another 50 weeks of your restrained workaday 54801 life-style to recuperate. 54802% 54803Vail's Second Axiom: 54804 The amount of work to be done increases in proportion to the 54805amount of work already completed. 54806% 54807Valerie: Aww, Tom, you're going maudlin on me ... 54808Tom: I reserve the right to wax maudlin as I wane eloquent ... 54809 -- Tom Chapin 54810% 54811Van Roy's Law: 54812 An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. 54813% 54814Van Roy's Law: 54815 Honesty is the best policy - there's less competition. 54816 54817Van Roy's Truism: 54818 Life is a whole series of circumstances beyond your control. 54819% 54820Vanilla, adj.: 54821 Ordinary flavor, standard. See FLAVOR. When used of food, 54822very often does not mean that the food is flavored with vanilla 54823extract! For example, "vanilla-flavored won ton soup" (or simply 54824"vanilla won ton soup") means ordinary won ton soup, as opposed to hot 54825and sour won ton soup. 54826% 54827Variables don't; constants aren't. 54828% 54829Vax Vobiscum 54830% 54831Vegetables are what food eats. 54832Fruit are vegetables that fool you by tasting good. 54833Fish are fast moving vegetables. 54834Mushrooms are what grows on vegetables when food's done with them. 54835 -- Meat Eater's Credo, according to Jim Williams 54836% 54837Vegetarians beware! You are what you eat. 54838% 54839Velilind's Laws of Experimentation: 54840 (1) If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only 54841 once. 54842 (2) If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data 54843 points. 54844% 54845Veni, Vidi, VISA: 54846 I came, I saw, I did a little shopping. 54847% 54848Verba volant, scripta manent! 54849% 54850Vermouth always makes me brilliant unless it makes me idiotic. 54851 -- E. F. Benson 54852% 54853Very few people do anything creative after the age of thirty-five. The 54854reason is that very few people do anything creative before the age of 54855thirty-five. 54856 -- Joel Hildebrand 54857% 54858Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters. 54859% 54860Very few things actually get manufactured these days, because in an 54861infinitely large Universe, such as the one in which we live, most things one 54862could possibly imagine, and a lot of things one would rather not, grow 54863somewhere. A forest was discovered recently in which most of the trees grew 54864ratchet screwdrivers as fruit. The life cycle of the ratchet screwdriver is 54865quite interesting. Once picked it needs a dark dusty drawer in which it can 54866lie undisturbed for years. Then one night it suddenly hatches, discards its 54867outer skin that crumbles into dust, and emerges as a totally unidentifiable 54868little metal object with flanges at both ends and a sort of ridge and a hole 54869for a screw. This, when found, will get thrown away. No one knows what the 54870screwdriver is supposed to gain from this. Nature, in her infinite wisdom, 54871is presumably working on it. 54872% 54873Very few things happen at the right time, and the rest do not happen 54874at all. The conscientious historian will correct these defects. 54875 -- Herodotus 54876% 54877Vests are to suits as seat-belts are to cars. 54878% 54879VI: 54880 A hungry dog hunts best. 54881 A hungrier dog hunts even better. 54882VII: 54883 Decreased business base increases overhead. 54884 So does increased business base. 54885VIII: 54886 The most unsuccessful four years in the education of a cost-estimator 54887 is fifth grade arithmetic. 54888IX: 54889 Acronyms and abbreviations should be used to the maximum extent 54890 possible to make trivial ideas profound. Q.E.D. 54891X: 54892 Bulls do not win bull fights; people do. 54893 People do not win people fights; lawyers do. 54894 -- Norman Augustine 54895% 54896Victory uber allies! 54897% 54898Viking, n: 54899 1. Daring Scandinavian seafarers, explorers, adventurers, 54900 entrepreneurs world-famous for their aggressive, nautical import 54901 business, highly leveraged takeovers and blue eyes. 54902 2. Bloodthirsty sea pirates who ravaged northern Europe beginning 54903 in the 9th century. 54904 54905Hagar's note: The first definition is much preferred; the second is used 54906only by malcontents, the envious, and disgruntled owners of waterfront 54907property. 54908% 54909Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life." 54910Orac: "It is unlikely. I would predict there are far greater mistakes 54911 waiting to be made by someone with your obvious talent for it." 54912% 54913Vini, vidi, vici. 54914[I came, I saw, I conquered]. 54915 -- Gaius Julius Caesar 54916% 54917Violence is a sword that has no handle -- you have to hold the blade. 54918% 54919Violence is molding. 54920% 54921Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent. 54922 -- Salvor Hardin 54923% 54924Violence stinks, no matter which end of it you're on. But now and then 54925there's nothing left to do but hit the other person over the head with a 54926frying pan. Sometimes people are just begging for that frypan, and if we 54927weaken for a moment and honor their request, we should regard it as 54928impulsive philanthropy, which we aren't in any position to afford, but 54929shouldn't regret it too loudly lest we spoil the purity of the deed. 54930 -- Tom Robbins 54931% 54932VIRGINIA: 54933 A group of beautifully mounted hunters galloping behind 54934 baying hounds in pursuit of a union organizer. 54935% 54936Virginia law forbids bathtubs in the house; tubs must be kept in the 54937yard. 54938% 54939VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) 54940 Learn something new today, like how to spell or how to count to 54941 ten without using your fingers. Be careful dressing this 54942 morning. You may be hit by a car later in the day and you 54943 wouldn't want to be taken to the doctor's office in some of 54944 that old underwear you own. 54945% 54946VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22) 54947 You are the logical type and hate disorder. This nitpicking is 54948 sickening to your friends. You are cold and unemotional and 54949 sometimes fall asleep while making love. Virgos make good bus 54950 drivers. 54951% 54952"Virtual" means never knowing where your next byte is coming from. 54953% 54954Virtue does not always demand a heavy sacrifice -- 54955only the willingness to make it when necessary. 54956 -- Frederick Dunn 54957% 54958Virtue is its own punishment. 54959 -- Denniston 54960% 54961Virtue is not left to stand alone. 54962He who practices it will have neighbors. 54963 -- Confucius 54964% 54965Virtue would go far if vanity did not keep it company. 54966 -- La Rochefoucauld 54967% 54968Visit beautiful Vergas Minnesota. 54969% 54970Visit beautiful Wisconsin Dells. 54971% 54972Visits always give pleasure: if not on arrival, then on the departure. 54973 -- Edouard Le Berquier, "Pensees des Autres" 54974% 54975Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving 54976from where you left them to where you can't find them. 54977% 54978Vitamin C deficiency is apauling. 54979% 54980VMS is like a nightmare about RSX-11M. 54981% 54982VMS, n: 54983 The world's foremost multi-user adventure game. 54984% 54985VMS version 2.0 ==> 54986% 54987Voiceless it cries, 54988Wingless flutters, 54989Toothless bites, 54990Mouthless mutters. 54991% 54992VOLCANO: 54993 A mountain with hiccups. 54994% 54995Volcanoes have a grandeur that is grim 54996And earthquakes only terrify the dolts, 54997And to him who's scientific 54998There is nothing that's terrific 54999In the pattern of a flight of thunderbolts! 55000 -- W. S. Gilbert, "The Mikado" 55001% 55002Volley Theory: 55003 It is better to have lobbed and lost 55004 than never to have lobbed at all. 55005% 55006Von Neumann was the subject of many dotty professor stories. Von Neumann 55007supposedly had the habit of simply writing answers to homework assignments on 55008the board (the method of solution being, of course, obvious) when he was asked 55009how to solve problems. One time one of his students tried to get more helpful 55010information by asking if there was another way to solve the problem. Von 55011Neumann looked blank for a moment, thought, and then answered, "Yes.". 55012% 55013Vote anarchist. 55014% 55015Vote early and vote often. 55016 -- Al Capone's slogan for Big Bill Thompson's anti-reform 55017 campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926. Big Bill won. 55018% 55019Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and 55020TAX-DEFERRED! 55021% 55022VUJA DE: 55023 The feeling that you've *never*, *ever* been in this situation before. 55024% 55025VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES? 55026% 55027Wad some power the giftie gie us 55028To see oursels as others see us. 55029 -- R. Browning 55030% 55031Wagner's music is better than it sounds. 55032 -- Mark Twain 55033% 55034Wait for that wisest of all counselors, Time. 55035 -- Pericles 55036% 55037Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?" 550381st customer: "I'll have tea." 550392nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!" 55040 (Waiter exits, returns) 55041Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?" 55042% 55043Wake up all you citizens, hear your country's call, 55044Not to arms and violence, But peace for one and all. 55045Crush out hate and prejudice, fear and greed and sin, 55046Help bring back her dignity, restore her faith again. 55047 55048Work hard for a common cause, don't let our country fall. 55049Make her proud and strong again, democracy for all. 55050Yes, make our country strong again, keep our flag unfurled. 55051Make our country well again, respected by the world. 55052 55053Make her whole and beautiful, work from sun to sun. 55054Stand tall and labor side by side, because there's so much to be done. 55055Yes, make her whole and beautiful, united strong and free, 55056Wake up, all you citizens, It's up to you and me. 55057 -- Pansy Myers Schroeder 55058% 55059Wake up and smell the coffee. 55060 -- Ann Landers 55061% 55062Waking a person unnecessarily should not be considered 55063a capital crime. For a first offense, that is. 55064% 55065Walk softly and carry a big stick. 55066 -- Theodore Roosevelt 55067% 55068Walk softly and carry a megawatt laser. 55069% 55070Walking on water wasn't built in a day. 55071 -- Jack Kerouac 55072% 55073Walt: Dad, what's gradual school? 55074Garp: Gradual school? 55075Walt: Yeah. Mom says her work's more fun now that she's teaching 55076 gradual school. 55077Garp: Oh. Well, gradual school is someplace you go and gradually 55078 find out that you don't want to go to school anymore. 55079 -- The World According To Garp 55080% 55081Walters' Rule: 55082 All airline flights depart from the gates most distant from 55083 the center of the terminal. Nobody ever had a reservation 55084 on a plane that left Gate 1. 55085% 55086Wanna buy a duck? 55087% 55088Wanna tell you all a story 'bout a man named Jed, 55089A poor mountaineer, barely kept his family fed. 55090But then one day he was shootin' at some food, 55091When up through the ground come a bubblin' crude -- oil, that is; 55092 black gold; "Texas tea" ... 55093 55094Well the next thing ya know, old Jed's a millionaire. 55095The kinfolk said, "Jed, move away from there!" 55096They said, "Californy is the place ya oughta be", 55097So they loaded up the truck and they moved to Beverly -- Hills, that is; 55098 swimmin' pools; movie stars. 55099% 55100War doesn't prove who's right, just who's left. 55101% 55102War hath no fury like a non-combatant. 55103 -- Charles Edward Montague 55104% 55105War is an equal opportunity destroyer. 55106% 55107War is delightful to those who have had no experience of it. 55108 -- Desiderius Erasmus 55109% 55110War is like love, it always finds a way. 55111 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Mother Courage" 55112% 55113War is much too serious a matter to be entrusted to the military. 55114 -- Clemenceau 55115% 55116War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable. 55117% 55118War spares not the brave, but the cowardly. 55119 -- Anacreon 55120% 55121WARNING: 55122 Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your 55123mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on 55124your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war. 55125% 55126WARNING! 55127 This system is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need! 55128A special circuit in the computer called a "critical detector" senses the 55129user's emotional state in terms of how desperate they are to get their program 55130to run. The "critical detector" then creates a bug in the program proportional 55131to the desperation of the user. Threatening the terminal with violence only 55132aggravates the situation, causing the program to immediately crash or the 55133entire system to go down. Likewise, attempts to use another terminal may cause 55134it to core dump. (They all belong to the same LAN.) Keep cool and say nice 55135things to the terminal. 55136% 55137Warning: Do not look directly into laser with remaining eye. 55138% 55139Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for 55140those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking 55141up. 55142 -- Chicago Reader 4/22/83 55143% 55144Warning: Trespassers will be shot. 55145Survivors will be shot again. 55146% 55147WARNING!!! 55148This machine is subject to breakdowns during periods of critical need. 55149 55150A special circuit in the machine called "critical detector" senses the 55151operator's emotional state in terms of how desperate he/she is to use the 55152machine. The "critical detector" then creates a malfunction proportional 55153to the desperation of the operator. Threatening the machine with violence 55154only aggravates the situation. Likewise, attempts to use another machine 55155may cause it to malfunction. They belong to the same union. Keep cool 55156and say nice things to the machine. Nothing else seems to work. 55157 55158See also: flog(1), tm(1) 55159% 55160Warp 7 -- It's a law we can live with. 55161% 55162Was there a time when dancers with their fiddles 55163In children's circuses could stay their troubles? 55164There was a time they could cry over books, 55165But time has set its maggot on their track. 55166Under the arc of the sky they are unsafe. 55167What's never known is safest in this life. 55168Under the skysigns they who have no arms 55169Have cleanest hands, and, as the heartless ghost 55170Alone's unhurt, so the blind man sees best. 55171 -- Dylan Thomas, "Was There A Time" 55172% 55173Washington, D.C: Fifty square miles almost completely surrounded by reality. 55174% 55175Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm. 55176 -- John F. Kennedy 55177% 55178[Washington, D.C.] is the home of... taste for 55179the people -- the big, the bland and the banal. 55180 -- Ada Louise Huxtable 55181% 55182Washington, D.C: Wasting your money since 1810. 55183% 55184Wasn't there something about a PASCAL programmer 55185knowing the value of everything and the Wirth of nothing? 55186% 55187Waste not fresh tears over old griefs. 55188 -- Euripides 55189% 55190Waste not, get your budget cut next year. 55191% 55192Wasting time is an important part of living. 55193% 55194Watch all-night Donna Reed reruns until your mind resembles oatmeal. 55195% 55196Watch your mouth, kid, or you'll find yourself floating home. 55197 -- Han Solo 55198% 55199Water, taken in moderation cannot hurt anybody. 55200 -- Mark Twain 55201% 55202Watership Down: 55203You've read the book. You've seen the movie. Now eat the stew! 55204% 55205Watson's Law: 55206 The reliability of machinery is inversely proportional to the 55207number and significance of any persons watching it. 55208% 55209WE: 55210 The single most important word in the world. 55211% 55212We all agree on the necessity of compromise. We just can't agree on 55213when it's necessary to compromise. 55214 -- Larry Wall 55215% 55216We all declare for liberty, but in using the 55217same word we do not all mean the same thing. 55218 -- Abraham Lincoln 55219% 55220We all dream of being the darling of everybody's darling. 55221% 55222We all know that no one understands anything that isn't funny. 55223% 55224We all like praise, but a hike in our pay is the best kind of ways. 55225% 55226We all live in a state of ambitious poverty. 55227 -- Decimus Junius Juvenalis 55228% 55229We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon. 55230 -- Dr. Konrad Adenauer 55231% 55232We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which 55233divides us is whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being 55234correct. My own feeling is that it is not crazy enough. 55235 -- Niels Bohr 55236% 55237We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized 55238before we are fit to participate in society. 55239 -- Judith Martin, "Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly 55240 Correct Behaviour" 55241% 55242We are all born equal... just some of us are more equal than others. 55243% 55244We are all born mad. Some remain so. 55245 -- Samuel Beckett 55246% 55247We are all dying -- and we're gonna be dead for a long time. 55248% 55249We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. 55250 -- Oscar Wilde 55251% 55252We are all so much together and yet we are all dying of loneliness. 55253 -- Albert Schweitzer 55254% 55255We are all worms. But I do believe I am a glowworm. 55256 -- Winston Churchill 55257% 55258We are anthill men upon an anthill world. 55259 -- Ray Bradbury 55260% 55261We ARE as gods and might as well get good at it. 55262 -- Whole Earth Catalog 55263% 55264We are confronted with insurmountable opportunities. 55265 -- Walt Kelly, "Pogo" 55266% 55267We are drowning in information but starved for knowledge. 55268 -- John Naisbitt, "Megatrends" 55269% 55270We are each entitled to our own opinion, but no one is entitled to his 55271own facts. 55272 -- Patrick Moynihan 55273% 55274We are each only one drop in a great 55275ocean -- but some of the drops sparkle! 55276% 55277We are experiencing system trouble -- do not adjust your terminal. 55278% 55279We are giving instruction to FBI agents in the various Chinese 55280dialects ... to handle present and likely future contingencies. 55281 -- J. Hoover 55282% 55283We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to 55284socialism, because socialism is defunct. It dies all by itself. The 55285bad thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say 55286socialism? 55287 -- Fidel Castro 55288% 55289We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it. 55290 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 55291% 55292We are Microsoft. Unix is irrelevant. 55293Openness is futile. Prepare to be assimilated. 55294% 55295We are not a clone. 55296% 55297We are not a loved organization, but we are a respected one. 55298 -- John Fisher 55299% 55300We are not alone. 55301% 55302We are not loved by our friends for what we are; 55303rather, we are loved in spite of what we are. 55304 -- Victor Hugo 55305% 55306"We are on the verge: Today our program proved Fermat's next-to-last 55307theorem." 55308 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 55309% 55310We are preparing to think about contemplating preliminary work on plans to 55311develop a schedule for producing the 10th Edition of the Unix Programmers 55312Manual. 55313 -- Andrew Hume 55314% 55315We are simple killers of people and destroyers of property. 55316% 55317We are so fond of each other because our ailments are the same. 55318 -- Jonathan Swift 55319% 55320We are sorry. We cannot complete your call as dialed. Please check 55321the number and dial again or ask your operator for assistance. 55322 55323This is a recording. 55324% 55325We are stronger than our skin of flesh and metal, for we carry and 55326share a spectrum of suns and lands that lends us legends as we craft 55327our immortality and interweave our destinies of water and air, 55328leaving shadows that gather color of their own, until they outshine 55329the substance that cast them. 55330% 55331We are the people our parents warned us about. 55332% 55333We are the unwilling... led by the unqualified... 55334to do the unnecessary... for the ungrateful... 55335 -- GI in Vietnam, 1970 55336% 55337We are unavoidably drawn towards conservatism and death. 55338The order is not insignificant. 55339 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 55340% 55341"We are upping our standards ... so up yours." 55342 -- Pat Paulsen for President, 1988 55343% 55344We are what we are. 55345% 55346We are what we pretend to be. 55347 -- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. 55348% 55349We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved. 55350% 55351We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it. 55352 -- Yates 55353% 55354We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the 55355technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM. 55356 -- Edsger W. Dijkstra 55357% 55358We cannot command nature except by obeying her. 55359 -- Sir Francis Bacon 55360% 55361We cannot do everything at once, but we can do something at once. 55362 -- Calvin Coolidge 55363% 55364We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is 55365deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead. 55366 -- James E. Day, Postmaster General 55367% 55368We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure. 55369 -- Richard Nixon 55370% 55371We could nuke Baghdad into glass, wipe it with Windex, tie fatback on our 55372feet and go skating. 55373 -- Fred Reed, Air Force Times columnist 55374% 55375We dedicate this book to our fellow citizens who, for love of truth, 55376take from their own wants by taxes and gifts, and now and then send 55377forth one of themselves as dedicated servant, to forward the search 55378into the mysteries and marvelous simplicities of this strange and 55379beautiful Universe, Our home. 55380 -- "Gravitation", Misner, Thorne, and Wheeler 55381% 55382We demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty! 55383 -- Vroomfondel 55384% 55385We don't believe in rheumatism and true love until after the first attack. 55386 -- Marie Ebner von Eschenbach 55387% 55388We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company. 55389% 55390We don't care how they do it in New York. 55391% 55392We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand. 55393 -- James Watt, noted theologian 55394% 55395We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything. 55396% 55397We don't know who discovered water, but we're certain it wasn't a 55398fish. 55399% 55400We don't know who it was that discovered water, but we're pretty sure 55401that it wasn't a fish. 55402 -- Marshall McLuhan 55403% 55404We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out. 55405 -- Decca Recording Company, turning down the Beatles, 1962 55406% 55407We don't need no education, we don't need no thought control. 55408 -- Pink Floyd 55409% 55410We don't need no indirection We don't need no compilation 55411We don't need no flow control We don't need no load control 55412No data typing or declarations No link edit for external bindings 55413Hey! did you leave the lists alone? Hey! did you leave that source alone? 55414Chorus: (Chorus) 55415 Oh No. It's just a pure LISP function call. 55416 55417We don't need no side-effecting We don't need no allocation 55418We don't need no flow control We don't need no special-nodes 55419No global variables for execution No dark bit-flipping for debugging 55420Hey! did you leave the args alone? Hey! did you leave those bits alone? 55421(Chorus) (Chorus) 55422 -- "Another Glitch in the Call", a la Pink Floyd 55423% 55424We don't really understand it, so we'll give it to the programmers. 55425% 55426We don't smoke and we don't chew, and we don't go with girls that do. 55427 -- Walter Summers 55428% 55429We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't understand the 55430hardware, but we can *___see* the blinking lights! 55431% 55432We don't understand the software, and sometimes we don't 55433understand the hardware, but we can *see* the blinking lights! 55434% 55435We found on St. Paul's only two kinds of birds -- the booby and the noddy... 55436Both are of a tame and stupid disposition, and are so unaccustomed to 55437visitors, that I could have killed any number of them with my geological 55438hammer. 55439 -- Charles Darwin 55440% 55441We gave you an atomic bomb, what do you want, mermaids? 55442 -- I. I. Rabi to the Atomic Energy Commission 55443% 55444We give advice, but we cannot give the wisdom to profit by it. 55445 -- La Rochefoucauld 55446% 55447We gotta get out of this place, 55448If it's the last thing we ever do. 55449 -- The Animals 55450% 55451We had it tough ... I had to get up at 9 o'clock at night, half an 55452hour before I went to bed, eat a lump of dry poison, work 29 hours down 55453mill, and when we came home our Dad would kill us, and dance about on 55454our grave singing Hallelujah ... 55455 -- Monty Python 55456% 55457We have an equal opportunity Calculus class -- it's fully integrated. 55458% 55459We have art that we do not die of the truth. 55460 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 55461% 55462We have ears, earther...FOUR OF THEM! 55463% 55464We have gone on piling weapon upon weapon, missile upon missile, new 55465levels of destructiveness upon old ones. We have done this helplessly, 55466almost involuntarily: like the victims of some sort of hypnotism, like 55467men in a dream, like lemmings heading for the sea, like the children of 55468Hamelin marching blindly along behind their Pied Piper. And the result 55469is that today we have achieved, we and the Russians together, in the 55470creation of these devices and their means of delivery, levels of 55471redundancy of such grotesque dimensions as to defy rational understanding. 55472 -- George Kennan, May 19, 1981 55473% 55474We have lingered long enough on the shores of the Cosmic Ocean. 55475 -- Carl Sagan 55476% 55477We have met the enemy, and he is us. 55478 -- Walt Kelly 55479% 55480We have more to fear from the bungling of the incompetent 55481than from the machinations of the wicked. 55482% 55483We have no scorched earth policy. 55484We have a policy of scorched Communists. 55485 -- General Efrain Rios Montt, President of Guatemala, 1982 55486% 55487We have not inherited the earth from our parents, we've borrowed it from 55488our children. 55489% 55490We have nowhere else to go... this is all we have. 55491 -- Margaret Mead 55492% 55493We have only two things to worry about: That things will never get 55494back to normal, and that they already have. 55495% 55496We have reason to be afraid. This is a terrible place. 55497 -- John Berryman 55498% 55499"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his 55500hands for masturbation." 55501 -- Lily Tomlin 55502% 55503We have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, and it's out. 55504% 55505We have the flu. I don't know if this particular strain has an 55506official name, but if it does, it must be something like "Martian Death 55507Flu". You may have had it yourself. The main symptom is that you wish 55508you had another setting on your electric blanket, up past "HIGH", that 55509said "ELECTROCUTION". 55510 55511Another symptom is that you cease brushing your teeth, because (a) your 55512teeth hurt, and (b) you lack the strength. Midway through the brushing 55513process, you'd have to lie down in front of the sink to rest for a 55514couple of hours, and rivulets of toothpaste foam would dribble sideways 55515out of your mouth, eventually hardening into crusty little toothpaste 55516stalagmites that would bond your head permanently to the bathroom 55517floor, which is how the police would find you. 55518 55519You know the kind of flu I'm talking about. 55520 -- Dave Barry, "Molecular Homicide" 55521% 55522We interrupt this fortune for an important announcement... 55523% 55524We invented a new protocol and called it Kermit, after Kermit the Frog, 55525star of "The Muppet Show." [3] 55526 55527[3] Why? Mostly because there was a Muppets calendar on the wall when we 55528were trying to think of a name, and Kermit is a pleasant, unassuming sort of 55529character. But since we weren't sure whether it was OK to name our protocol 55530after this popular television and movie star, we pretended that KERMIT was an 55531acronym; unfortunately, we could never find a good set of words to go with the 55532letters, as readers of some of our early source code can attest. Later, while 55533looking through a name book for his forthcoming baby, Bill Catchings noticed 55534that "Kermit" was a Celtic word for "free", which is what all Kermit programs 55535should be, and words to this effect replaced the strained acronyms in our 55536source code (Bill's baby turned out to be a girl, so he had to name her Becky 55537instead). When BYTE Magazine was preparing our 1984 Kermit article for 55538publication, they suggested we contact Henson Associates Inc. for permission 55539to say that we did indeed name the protocol after Kermit the Frog. Permission 55540was kindly granted, and now the real story can be told. I resisted the 55541temptation, however, to call the present work "Kermit the Book." 55542 -- Frank da Cruz, "Kermit - A File Transfer Protocol" 55543% 55544We know next to nothing about virtually everything. It is not necessary 55545to know the origin of the universe; it is necessary to want to know. 55546Civilization depends not on any particular knowledge, but on the disposition 55547to crave knowledge. 55548 -- George Will 55549% 55550We laugh at the Indian philosopher, who to account for the support 55551of the earth, contrived the hypothesis of a huge elephant, and to support 55552the elephant, a huge tortoise. If we will candidly confess the truth, we 55553know as little of the operation of the nerves, as he did of the manner in 55554which the earth is supported: and our hypothesis about animal spirits, or 55555about the tension and vibrations of the nerves, are as like to be true, as 55556his about the support of the earth. His elephant was a hypothesis, and our 55557hypotheses are elephants. Every theory in philosophy, which is built on 55558pure conjecture, is an elephant; and every theory that is supported partly 55559by fact, and partly by conjecture, is like Nebuchadnezzar's image, whose 55560feet were partly of iron, and partly of clay. 55561 -- Thomas Reid, "An Inquiry into the Human Mind", 1764 55562% 55563We lie loudest when we lie to ourselves. 55564 -- Eric Hoffer 55565% 55566We love our little Johnny 55567He's the best little boy in all the world 55568And we wouldn't trade him for anything 55569That's how much we love him. 55570No, we couldn't live without him 55571So that's why, since he died, 55572We keep him safe in our G.E. freezer. 55573He's so good, so well-behaved, 55574Even better than before; 55575Oh, such a wonderful kid he is. 55576Alice and me, we'll never be lonely, 55577Never miss our little Johnny, 55578He'll never grow up and leave us 55579That's why we love him like we do. 55580 -- Mr. Mincemeat 55581% 55582"We maintain that the very foundation of our way of life is what we call 55583free enterprise," said Cash McCall, "but when one of our citizens 55584show enough free enterprise to pile up a little of that profit, we do 55585our best to make him feel that he ought to be ashamed of himself." 55586 -- Cameron Hawley 55587% 55588We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue 55589than malnutrition. 55590 -- Alex Comfort 55591% 55592We may hope that machines will eventually compete with men in all 55593purely intellectual fields. But which are the best ones to start 55594with? Many people think that a very abstract activity, like the 55595playing of chess, would be best. It can also be maintained that it is 55596best to provide the machine with the best sense organs that money can 55597buy, and then teach it to understand and speak English. 55598 -- Alan M. Turing 55599% 55600We may not be able to persuade Hindus that Jesus and not Vishnu should govern 55601their spiritual horizon, nor Moslems that Lord Buddha is at the center of 55602their spiritual universe, nor Hebrews that Mohammed is a major prophet, nor 55603Christians that Shinto best expresses their spiritual concerns, to say 55604nothing of the fact that we may not be able to get Christians to agree among 55605themselves about their relationship to God. But all will agree on a 55606proposition that they possess profound spiritual resources. If, in addition, 55607we can get them to accept the further proposition that whatever form the 55608Deity may have in their own theology, the Deity is not only external, but 55609internal and acts through them, and they themselves give proof or disproof 55610of the Deity in what they do and think; if this further proposition can be 55611accepted, then we come that much closer to a truly religious situation on 55612earth. 55613 -- Norman Cousins, from his book "Human Options" 55614% 55615We may not like doctors, but at least they doctor. Bankers are not ever 55616popular but at least they bank. Policeman police and undertakers take 55617under. But lawyers do not give us law. We receive not the gladsome light 55618of jurisprudence, but rather precedents, objections, appeals, stays, 55619filings and forms, motions and counter-motions, all at $250 an hour. 55620 -- Nolo News, summer 1989 55621% 55622We may not return the affection of those who like us, but we always 55623respect their good judgement. 55624% 55625...we must be wary of granting too much power to natural selection 55626by viewing all basic capacities of our brain as direct adaptations. 55627I do not doubt that natural selection acted in building our oversized 55628brains -- and I am equally confident that our brains became large as 55629an adaptation for definite roles (probably a complex set of interacting 55630functions). But these assumptions do not lead to the notion, often 55631uncritically embraced by strict Darwinians, that all major capacities 55632of the brain must arise as direct products of natural selection. 55633 -- S. J. Gould, "The Mismeasure of Man" 55634% 55635We must believe that it is the darkest before the dawn 55636of a beautiful new world. We will see it when we believe it. 55637 -- Saul Alinsky 55638% 55639We must die because we have known them. 55640 -- Ptah-hotep, 2000 B.C. 55641% 55642We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess. We must 55643condemn once and for all the formula "chess for the sake of chess," like 55644the formula "art for art's sake." We must organize shock-brigades of 55645chess-players, and begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan 55646for chess. 55647 -- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice 55648 (of RFSFR, later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress 55649 of Chess Players, as quoted in Boris Souvarine's 55650 "Stalin," published London, 1939 55651% 55652...we must not judge the society of the future by considering whether or not 55653we should like to live in it; the question is whether those who have grown up 55654in it will be happier than those who have grown up in our society or those of 55655the past. 55656 -- Joseph Wood Krutch 55657% 55658We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of 55659the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front 55660is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace. 55661 -- Walter Lippmann 55662% 55663We must remember the First Amendment which protects any shrill jackass 55664no matter how self-seeking. 55665 -- F. G. Withington 55666% 55667We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to 55668the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his 55669children smart. 55670 -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report" 55671% 55672We only acknowledge small faults in order 55673to make it appear that we are free from great ones. 55674 -- La Rochefoucauld 55675% 55676We ought to be very grateful that we have tools. Millions of years ago 55677people did not have them, and home projects were extremely difficult. 55678For example, when a primitive person wanted to put up paneling, he had 55679to drive the little paneling nails into the cave wall with his bare 55680fist, so generally the paneling wound up getting spattered with 55681primitive blood, which isn't really all that bad when you consider how 55682ugly paneling is to begin with. 55683 -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw" 55684% 55685We prefer to believe that the absence of inverted commas guarantees the 55686originality of a thought, whereas it may be merely that the utterer has 55687forgotten its source. 55688 -- Clifton Fadiman, "Any Number Can Play" 55689% 55690We prefer to speak evil of ourselves 55691rather than not speak of ourselves at all. 55692% 55693We promise according to our hopes, and perform according to our fears. 55694% 55695We rarely find anyone who can say he has lived a happy life, and who, 55696content with his life, can retire from the world like a satisfied guest. 55697 -- Quintus Horatius Flaccus (Horace) 55698% 55699We read to say that we have read. 55700% 55701We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best 55702friends are trying to kill us. 55703% 55704We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them. 55705 -- Thucydides 55706% 55707We seem to have forgotten the simple truth that reason is never perfect. 55708Only non-sense attains perfection. 55709 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 55710% 55711We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much. 55712 -- Jean de la Bruyere 55713% 55714We should be careful to get out of an experience only the wisdom that is 55715in it - and stay there, lest we be like the cat that sits down on a hot 55716stove-lid. She will never sit down on a hot stove-lid again - and that 55717is well; but also she will never sit down on a cold one any more. 55718 -- Mark Twain 55719% 55720We should be glad we're living in the time that we are. If any of us had been 55721born into a more enlightened age, I'm sure we would have immediately been taken 55722out and shot. 55723 -- Strange de Jim 55724% 55725We should have a great many fewer disputes in the world if only words were 55726taken for what they are, the signs of our ideas only, and not for things 55727themselves. 55728 -- John Locke 55729% 55730We should have a Vollyballocracy. We elect a six-pack of presidents. 55731Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate. 55732 -- Dennis Miller 55733% 55734We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square. 55735 -- S. I. Hayakawa 55736% 55737We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they 55738remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that 55739the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than 55740the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule, 55741states are better governed by the man in the street than by intellectuals. 55742These are the sort of people who want to appear wiser than the laws, who 55743want to get their own way in every general discussion, because they feel that 55744they cannot show off their intelligence in matters of greater importance, and 55745who, as a result, very often bring ruin on their country. 55746 -- Cleon, Thucydides, III, 37 translation by Rex Warner 55747% 55748We the unwilling, led by the ungrateful, are doing the impossible. 55749We've done so much, for so long, with so little, 55750that we are now qualified to do something with nothing. 55751% 55752We the Users, in order to form a more perfect system, establish priorities, 55753ensure connective tranquility, provide for common repairs, promote 55754preventive maintenance, and secure the blessings of liberty for ourselves 55755and our processes, do ordain and establish this Software of The Unixed States 55756of America. 55757% 55758We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet 55759size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In 55760fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here 55761are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads: 55762 55763EUPHEMISM REALITY 55764------------------- ------------------------- 55765Excited about life's journey No concept of reality 55766Spiritually evolved Oversensitive 55767Moody Manic-depressive 55768Soulful Quiet manic-depressive 55769Poet Boring manic-depressive 55770Sultry/Sensual Easy 55771Uninhibited Lacking basic social skills 55772Unaffected and earthy Slob and lacking basic social skills 55773Irreverent Nasty and lacking basic social skills 55774Very human Quasimodo's best friend 55775Swarthy Sweaty even when cold or standing still 55776Spontaneous/Eclectic Scatterbrained 55777Flexible Desperate 55778Aging child Self-centered adult 55779Youthful Over 40 and trying to deny it 55780Good sense of humor Watches a lot of television 55781% 55782We thrive on euphemism. We call multi-megaton bombs "Peace-keepers", closet 55783size apartments "efficient" and incomprehensible artworks "innovative". In 55784fact, "euphemism" has become a euphemism for "bald-faced lie". And now, here 55785are the euphemisms so colorfully employed in Personal Ads: 55786 55787EUPHEMISM REALITY 55788------------------- ------------------------- 55789Independent thinker Crazy 55790High spirited Crazy and hyperactive 55791Free spirited Crazy and irresponsible 55792Outrageous Crazy and obnoxious 55793Exotic Crazy with a pierced nose/nipple 55794Cuddly Overweight 55795Huggable/Zaftig/Rubenesque Fat (there's a lot to love) 55796Big and beautiful Really Fat 55797Fat 'n' sassy Really Fat and loud 55798Svelte/Slender Anorexic 55799Dynamic Pushy 55800Assertive Pushy with a mean streak 55801Feisty/Ambitious Would kill own mother for next corporate rung 55802Demanding Will make your life a living hell 55803Looking for Mr./Ms. Right Looking for Mr./Ms. Rich 55804% 55805We totally deny the allegations, and 55806we're trying to identify the allegators. 55807% 55808We tried to close Ohio's borders and ran into a Constitutional problem. 55809There's a provision in the Constitution that says you can't close your 55810borders to interstate commerce, and garbage is a form of interstate commerce. 55811 -- Ohio Lt. Governor Paul Leonard 55812% 55813[We] use bad software and bad machines for the wrong things. 55814 -- R. W. Hamming 55815% 55816We warn the reader in advance that the proof presented here 55817depends on a clever but highly unmotivated trick. 55818 -- Howard Anton, "Elementary Linear Algebra" 55819% 55820We was playin' the Homestead Grays in the city of Pitchburgh. Josh 55821[Gibson] comes up in the last of the ninth with a man on and us a run 55822behind. Well, he hit one. The Grays waited around and waited around, 55823but finally the empire rules it ain't comin' down. So we win. The 55824next day, we was disputin' the Grays in Philadelphia when here come 55825a ball outta the sky right in the glove of the Grays' center fielder. 55826The empire made the only possible call. "You're out, boy!" he says 55827to Josh. "Yesterday, in Pitchburgh." 55828 -- Satchel Paige 55829% 55830We were happily married for eight months. Unfortunately, we 55831were married for four and a half years. 55832 -- Nick Faldo 55833% 55834We were so poor that we thought new clothes meant someone had died. 55835% 55836We were so poor we couldn't afford a watchdog. 55837If we heard a noise at night, we'd bark ourselves. 55838 -- Crazy Jimmy 55839% 55840We who revel in nature's diversity and feel instructed by every animal 55841tend to brand Homo sapiens as the greatest catastrophe since the Cretaceous 55842extinction. 55843 -- S. J. Gould 55844% 55845We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one 55846technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter. 55847% 55848We will invent new lullabies, new songs, new acts of love, 55849we will cry over things we used to laugh & 55850our new wisdom will bring tears to eyes of gentle 55851creatures from other planets who were afraid of us till then & 55852in the end a summer with wild winds & 55853new friends will be. 55854% 55855We wish you a Hare Krishna 55856We wish you a Hare Krishna 55857We wish you a Hare Krishna 55858And a Sun Myung Moon! 55859 -- Maxwell Smart 55860% 55861WEAPON: 55862 An index of the lack of development of a culture. 55863% 55864Wedding is destiny, and hanging likewise. 55865 -- John Heywood 55866% 55867Wedding, n.: 55868 A ceremony at which two persons undertake to become one, one 55869 undertakes to become nothing and nothing undertakes to become 55870 supportable. 55871 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 55872% 55873Wedding rings are the world's smallest handcuffs. 55874% 55875Weed's Axiom: 55876 Never ask two questions in a business letter. 55877 The reply will discuss the one in which you are 55878 least interested and say nothing about the other. 55879% 55880Weekend, where are you? 55881% 55882Weiler's Law: 55883 Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it 55884himself. 55885% 55886Weiler's Law: 55887 Nothing is impossible to a person who doesn't have to do the work. 55888% 55889Weinberg, as a young grocery clerk, advised the grocery manager to get 55890rid of rutabagas which nobody every bought. He did so. "Well, kid, that 55891was a great idea," said the manager. Then he paused and asked the killer 55892question, "NOW what's the least popular vegetable?" 55893 55894Law: Once you eliminate your #1 problem, #2 gets a promotion. 55895 -- Gerald Weinberg, "The Secrets of Consulting" 55896% 55897Weinberg's First Law: 55898 Progress is made on alternate Fridays. 55899% 55900Weinberg's Principle: 55901 An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while 55902sweeping on to the grand fallacy. 55903% 55904Weinberg's Second Law: 55905 If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, 55906then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization. 55907 -- Gerald Weinberg 55908% 55909Weiner's Law of Libraries: 55910 There are no answers, only cross references. 55911% 55912Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. He'll come in handy if 55913you run out of food. 55914 -- Dean McLaughlin 55915% 55916Welcome to boggle - do you want instructions? 55917 55918D G G O 55919 55920O Y A N 55921 55922A D B T 55923 55924K I S P 55925Enter words: 55926> 55927% 55928Welcome to Lake Wobegon, where all the men are strong, 55929The women are pretty, and the children are above-average. 55930 -- Garrison Keillor 55931% 55932Welcome to the Zoo! 55933% 55934Welcome to UNIX! Enjoy your session! Have a great time! Note the 55935use of exclamation points! They are a very effective method for 55936demonstrating excitement, and can also spice up an otherwise plain-looking 55937sentence! However, there are drawbacks! Too much unnecessary exclaiming 55938can lead to a reduction in the effect that an exclamation point has on 55939the reader! For example, the sentence 55940 55941 Jane went to the store to buy bread 55942 55943should only be ended with an exclamation point if there is something 55944sensational about her going to the store, for example, if Jane is a 55945cocker spaniel or if Jane is on a diet that doesn't allow bread or if 55946Jane doesn't exist for some reason! See how easy it is?! Proper control 55947of exclamation points can add new meaning to your life! Call now to receive 55948my free pamphlet, "The Wonder and Mystery of the Exclamation Point!"! 55949Enclose fifteen(!) dollars for postage and handling! Operators are 55950standing by! (Which is pretty amazing, because they're all cocker spaniels!) 55951% 55952Welcome to Utah. 55953If you think our liquor laws are funny, you should see our underwear! 55954% 55955Well, anyway, I was reading this James Bond book, and right away I realized 55956that like most books, it had too many words. The plot was the same one that 55957all James Bond books have: An evil person tries to blow up the world, but 55958James Bond kills him and his henchmen and makes love to several attractive 55959women. There, that's it: 24 words. But the guy who wrote the book took 55960*thousands* of words to say it. 55961 Or consider "The Brothers Karamazov", by the famous Russian alcoholic 55962Fyodor Dostoyevsky. It's about these two brothers who kill their father. 55963Or maybe only one of them kills the father. It's impossible to tell because 55964what they mostly do is talk for nearly a thousand pages.If all Russians talk 55965as much as the Karamazovs did, I don't see how they found time to become a 55966major world power. 55967 I'm told that Dostoyevsky wrote "The Brothers Karamazov" to raise 55968the question of whether there is a God. So why didn't he just come right 55969out and say: "Is there a God? It sure beats the heck out of me." 55970 Other famous works could easily have been summarized in a few words: 55971 55972* "Moby Dick" -- Don't mess around with large whales because they symbolize 55973 nature and will kill you. 55974* "A Tale of Two Cities" -- French people are crazy. 55975 -- Dave Barry 55976% 55977We'll be recording at the Paradise Friday 55978night. Live, on the Death label. 55979 -- Swan, "Phantom of the Paradise" 55980% 55981Well begun is half done. 55982 -- Aristotle 55983% 55984"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is 55985no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five 55986hundred." 55987 -- The Mahabharata 55988% 55989We'll cross that bridge when we come back to it later. 55990% 55991Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep? 55992% 55993Well, don't worry about it... It's nothing. 55994 -- Lieutenant Kermit Tyler (Duty Officer of Shafter Information 55995 Center, Hawaii), upon being informed that Private Joseph 55996 Lockard had picked up a radar signal of what appeared to be 55997 at least 50 planes soaring toward Oahu at almost 180 miles 55998 per hour, December 7, 1941. 55999% 56000Well, fancy giving money to the Government! 56001Might as well have put it down the drain. 56002Fancy giving money to the Government! 56003Nobody will see the stuff again. 56004Well, they've no idea what money's for -- 56005Ten to one they'll start another war. 56006I've heard a lot of silly things, but, Lor'! 56007Fancy giving money to the Government! 56008 -- A. P. Herbert 56009% 56010We'll have solar energy when the power companies develop a sunbeam meter. 56011% 56012Well, he didn't know what to do, so he decided to look at the government, 56013to see what they did, and scale it down and run his life that way. 56014 -- Laurie Anderson 56015% 56016Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a 56017lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a 56018governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the 56019reason you'll be reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top 56020contenders for the 1984 Democratic presidential nomination. These men 56021will spend the next 18 months going around the country engaging in the 56022most degrading activities imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and 56023appearing on "Meet the Press". "Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday 56024morning public interest shows that the public is not the least bit 56025interested in. It features a panel of reporters who ask questions of a 56026guest politician, who wins an Amana home freezer if he can get through 56027the entire show without answering a single question ... 56028 -- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics" 56029% 56030Well I looked at my watch and it said a quarter to five, 56031The headline screamed that I was still alive, 56032I couldn't understand it, I thought I died last night. 56033I dreamed I'd been in a border town, 56034In a little cantina that the boys had found, 56035I was desperate to dance, just to dig the local sounds. 56036When along came a senorita, 56037She looked so good that I had to meet her, 56038I was ready to approach her with my English charm, 56039When her brass knuckled boyfriend grabbed me by the arm, 56040And he said, grow some funk of your own, amigo, 56041Grow some funk of your own. 56042We no like to with the gringo fight, 56043But there might be a death in Mexico tonite. 56044... 56045Take my advice, take the next flight, 56046And grow some funk, grow your funk at home. 56047 -- Elton John, "Grow Some Funk of Your Own" 56048% 56049Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them 56050back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds, 56051or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they 56052they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off. 56053 -- Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile 56054% 56055"Well, if you can't believe what you read in a comic book, what *___can* 56056you believe?!" 56057 -- Bullwinkle J. Moose [Jay Ward] 56058% 56059Well, I'm disenchanted too. We're all disenchanted. 56060 -- James Thurber 56061% 56062Well, it's hard for a mere man to believe that woman doesn't have equal 56063rights. 56064 -- Dwight D. Eisenhower 56065% 56066Well, Jim, I'm not much of an actor either. 56067% 56068We'll know that rock is dead when you have to get a degree to work in it. 56069% 56070WE'LL LOOK INTO IT: 56071 By the time the wheels make a full turn, we 56072 assume you will have forgotten about it,too. 56073% 56074Well, my daddy left home when I was three, 56075And he didn't leave much for Ma and me, 56076Just and old guitar an'a empty bottle of booze. 56077Now I don't blame him 'cause he ran and hid, 56078But the meanest thing that he ever did, 56079Was before he left he went and named me Sue. 56080... 56081But I made me a vow to the moon and the stars, 56082I'd search the honkey tonks and the bars, 56083And kill the man that give me that awful name. 56084It was Gatlinburg in mid-July, 56085I'd just hit town and my throat was dry, 56086Thought I'd stop and have myself a brew, 56087At an old saloon on a street of mud, 56088Sitting at a table, dealing stud, 56089Sat that dirty (bleep) that named me Sue. 56090... 56091Now, I knew that snake was my own sweet Dad, 56092From a worn-out picture that my Mother had, 56093And I knew that scar on his cheek and his evil eye... 56094 -- Johnny Cash, "A Boy Named Sue" 56095% 56096Well, my terminal's locked up, and I ain't got any Mail, 56097 And I can't recall the last time that my program didn't fail; 56098I've got stacks in my structs, I've got arrays in my queues, 56099 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 56100 56101If you think that it's nice that you get what you C, 56102 Then go : illogical statement with your whole family, 56103'Cause the Supreme Court ain't the only place with : Bus error views. 56104 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 56105 56106On a PDP-11, life should be a breeze, 56107 But with VAXen in the house even magnetic tapes would freeze. 56108Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse, 56109 I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues. 56110 -- Core Dumped Blues 56111% 56112Well, of course it worked. You made the ritual blood sacrifice. If you 56113bleed on a machine while working on it, it will work. Unless it 56114doesn't. In which case, you need someone else to bleed on it as well. 56115 -- Wayne Pascoe 56116% 56117We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu! 56118% 56119Well, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling, 56120And some take delight in the hurling and the bowling, 56121But I take delight in the juice of the barley, 56122And courting pretty fair maids in the morning bright and early. 56123% 56124Well thaaaaaaat's okay. 56125% 56126"Well, that was a piece of cake, eh K-9?" 56127 56128"Piece of cake, Master? Radial slice of baked confection ... 56129coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero." 56130 -- Doctor Who 56131% 56132Well, the handwriting is on the floor. 56133 -- Joe E. Lewis 56134% 56135We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, 56136we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail. 56137 -- Dave Barry 56138% 56139Well, we'll really have a party, 56140but we've gotta post a guard outside. 56141 -- Eddie Cochran, "Come On Everybody" 56142% 56143"Well, well, well! Well if it isn't fat stinking billy goat Billy Boy in 56144poison! How art thou, thou globby bottle of cheap stinking chip oil? Come 56145and get one in the yarbles, if ya have any yarble, ya eunuch jelly thou!" 56146 -- Alex in "Clockwork Orange" 56147% 56148Well, we're big rock singers, we've got golden fingers, 56149And we're loved everywhere we go. 56150We sing about beauty, and we sing about truth, 56151At ten thousand dollars a show. 56152We take all kind of pills to give us all kind of thrills, 56153But the thrill we've never known, 56154Is the thrill that'll get'cha, when you get your picture, 56155On the cover of the Rolling Stone. 56156 56157I got a freaky old lady, name of Cole King Katie, 56158Who embroiders on my jeans. 56159I got my poor old gray-haired daddy, 56160Drivin' my limousine. 56161Now it's all designed, to blow our minds, 56162But our minds won't be really be blown; 56163Like the blow that'll get'cha, when you get your picture, 56164On the cover of the Rolling Stone. 56165 56166We got a lot of little, teen-aged, blue-eyed groupies, 56167Who'll do anything we say. 56168We got a genuine Indian guru, that's teachin' us a better way. 56169We got all the friends that money can buy, 56170So we never have to be alone. 56171And we keep gettin' richer, but we can't get our picture, 56172On the cover of the Rolling Stone. 56173 -- Dr. Hook and the Medicine Show 56174 [As a note, they eventually DID make the cover of RS. Ed.] 56175% 56176"Well, we've come full circle, Lord; I'd like to think there's some 56177higher meaning to all this. It would certainly reflect well on you." 56178% 56179Well, you know, no matter where you go, there you are. 56180 -- Buckaroo Banzai 56181% 56182WELL-ADJUSTED: 56183 The ability to play bridge or golf as if they were games. 56184% 56185We 56186own 56187this land. 56188 56189I don't spend 56190any time 56191on this land. 56192 56193This 56194is a tiny 56195little piece 56196 56197of my 56198business 56199interests. 56200 56201It's like 56202a grain 56203of sand. 56204 -- "Alliance Airport, from The Poetry Of H. Ross Perot, 56205 recited on ABC's Town Meeting, June 29, 1992. 56206 From SPY Magazine, November 1992 56207% 56208We're all in this alone. 56209 -- Lily Tomlin 56210% 56211We're constantly being bombarded by insulting and humiliating music, which 56212people are making for you the way they make those Wonder Bread products. 56213Just as food can be bad for your system, music can be bad for your spiritual 56214and emotional feelings. It might taste good or clever, but in the long run, 56215it's not going to do anything for you. 56216 -- Bob Dylan, "LA Times", September 5, 1984 56217% 56218We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from 56219the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging 56220you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right 56221in his bowl full of jelly. 56222 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" 56223% 56224We're fantastically incredibly sorry for all these extremely unreasonable 56225things we did. I can only plead that my simple, barely-sentient friend 56226and myself are underprivileged, deprived and also college students. 56227 -- Waldo D. R. Dobbs 56228% 56229We're happy little Vegemites, 56230 As bright as bright can be. 56231We all enjoy our Vegemite 56232 For breakfast, lunch and tea. 56233% 56234Were it not for the presence of the unwashed and the half-educated, the 56235formless, queer and incomplete, the unreasonable and absurd, the infinite 56236shapes of the delightful human tadpole, the horizon would not wear so wide 56237a grin. 56238 -- F. M. Colby, "Imaginary Obligations" 56239% 56240We're Knights of the Round Table 56241We dance whene'er we're able 56242We do routines and chorus scenes We're knights of the Round Table 56243With footwork impeccable Our shows are formidable 56244We dine well here in Camelot But many times 56245We eat ham and jam and Spam a lot. We're given rhymes 56246 That are quite unsingable 56247In war we're tough and able, We're opera mad in Camelot 56248Quite indefatigable We sing from the diaphragm a lot. 56249Between our quests 56250We sequin vests 56251And impersonate Clark Gable 56252It's a busy life in Camelot. 56253I have to push the pram a lot. 56254 -- Monty Python 56255% 56256We're living in a golden age. All you need is gold. 56257 -- D. W. Robertson 56258% 56259We're mortal -- which is to say, we're ignorant, stupid, and sinful -- 56260but those are only handicaps. Our pride is that nevertheless, now and 56261then, we do our best. A few times we succeed. What more dare we ask for? 56262 -- Ensign Flandry 56263% 56264"We're not talking about the same thing," he said. "For you the world is 56265weird because if you're not bored with it you're at odds with it. For me 56266the world is weird because it is stupendous, awesome, mysterious, 56267unfathomable; my interest has been to convince you that you must accept 56268responsibility for being here, in this marvelous world, in this marvelous 56269desert, in this marvelous time. I wanted to convince you that you must 56270learn to make every act count, since you are going to be here for only a 56271short while, in fact, too short for witnessing all the marvels of it." 56272 -- Don Juan 56273% 56274We're only in it for the volume. 56275 -- Black Sabbath 56276% 56277Were there no women, men might live like gods. 56278 -- Thomas Dekker 56279% 56280Wernher von Braun settled for a V-2 when he coulda had a V-8. 56281% 56282Westheimer's Discovery: 56283 A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a 56284couple of hours in the library. 56285% 56286Wethern's Law: 56287 Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups. 56288% 56289We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center 56290of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week, 56291but for some reason nobody's ever done it. 56292 -- Andy Rooney 56293% 56294We've tried each spinning space mote 56295And reckoned its true worth: 56296Take us back again to the homes of men 56297On the cool, green hills of Earth. 56298 56299The arching sky is calling 56300Spacemen back to their trade. 56301All hands! Standby! Free falling! 56302And the lights below us fade. 56303Out ride the sons of Terra, 56304Far drives the thundering jet, 56305Up leaps the race of Earthmen, 56306Out, far, and onward yet-- 56307 56308We pray for one last landing 56309On the globe that gave us birth; 56310Let us rest our eyes on the fleecy skies 56311And the cool, green hills of Earth. 56312 -- Robert A. Heinlein, 1941 56313% 56314Wharbat darbid yarbou sarbay? 56315% 56316What!? Me worry? 56317 -- A. E. Neuman 56318% 56319What a bonanza! An unknown beginner to be directed by Lubitsch, in a script 56320by Wilder and Brackett, and to play with Paramount's two superstars, Gary 56321Cooper and Claudette Colbert, and to be beaten up by both of them! 56322 -- David Niven, "Bring On the Empty Horses" 56323% 56324What a misfortune to be a woman! And yet, the worst misfortune is not to 56325understand what a misfortune it is. 56326 -- S. A. Kierkegaard (1813-1855) 56327% 56328What a strange game. The only winning move is not to play. 56329 -- WOP, "War Games" 56330% 56331What, after all, is a halo? It's only one more thing to keep clean. 56332 -- Christopher Fry 56333% 56334What an artist dies with me! 56335 -- Nero 56336% 56337What an author likes to write most is his signature on the 56338back of a cheque. 56339 -- Brendan Francis 56340% 56341"What are we going to do?" 56342 56343"Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking for 56344something that's soft on morality, generous with holidays, and has a 56345short initiation period." 56346% 56347"What are you doing?" 56348 56349"Examining the world's major religions. I'm looking for something 56350that's light on morals, has lots of holidays, and with a short 56351initiation period." 56352% 56353What awful irony is this? 56354We are as gods, but know it not. 56355% 56356What causes the mysterious death of everyone? 56357% 56358What color is a chameleon on a mirror? 56359% 56360What did ya do with your burden and your cross? 56361Did you carry it yourself or did you cry? 56362You and I know that a burden and a cross, 56363Can only be carried on one man's back. 56364 -- Louden Wainwright III 56365% 56366What did you bring that book I didn't want 56367to be read to out of about Down Under up for? 56368% 56369What did you do when the ship sank? 56370I grabbed a cake of soap and washed myself ashore. 56371% 56372What do I consider a reasonable person to be? I'd say a reasonable person 56373is one who accepts that we are all human and therefore fallible, and takes 56374that into account when dealing with others. Implicit in this definition is 56375the belief that it is the right and the responsibility of each person to 56376live his or her own life as he or she sees fit, to respect this right in 56377others, and to demand the assumption of this responsibility by others. 56378% 56379What do you give a man who has everything? Penicillin. 56380 -- Jerry Lester 56381% 56382What do you have when you have six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand? 56383Not enough sand. 56384% 56385What does education often do? 56386It makes a straight cut ditch of a free meandering brook. 56387 -- Henry David Thoreau 56388% 56389What does it mean if there is no fortune for you? 56390% 56391What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"? 56392% 56393What does it take for Americans to do great things; to go to the moon, to 56394win wars, to dig canals linking oceans, to build railroads across a continent? 56395In independent thought about this question, Neil Armstrong and I concluded 56396that it takes a coincidence of four conditions, or in Neil's view, the 56397simultaneous peaking of four of the many cycles of American life. First, a 56398base of technology must exist from which to do the thing to be done. Second, 56399a period of national uneasiness about America's place in the scheme of human 56400activities must exist. Third, some catalytic event must occur that focuses 56401the national attention upon the direction to proceed. Finally, an articulate 56402and wise leader must sense these first three conditions and put forth with 56403words and action the great thing to be accomplished. The motivation of young 56404Americans to do what needs to be done flows from such a coincidence of 56405conditions. ... The Thomas Jeffersons, The Teddy Roosevelts, The John 56406Kennedys appear. We must begin to create the tools of leadership which they, 56407and their young frontiersmen, will require to lead us onward and upward. 56408 -- Dr. Harrison H. Schmidt 56409% 56410What does not destroy me, makes me stronger. 56411 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 56412% 56413What ever happened to happily ever after? 56414% 56415What excuses stand in your way? How can you eliminate them? 56416 -- Roger von Oech 56417% 56418What foods these morsels be! 56419% 56420What fools these morals be! 56421% 56422What fools these mortals be. 56423 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca 56424% 56425What garlic is to food, insanity is to art. 56426% 56427What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art. 56428% 56429What George Washington did for us was to throw out the British, so 56430that we wouldn't have a fat, insensitive government running our 56431country. Nice try anyway, George. 56432 -- D. J. on KSFO/KYA 56433% 56434What goes up must come down. But don't expect it to come down 56435where you can find it. Murphy's Law applied to Newton's. 56436% 56437What good is a ticket to the good life, if you can't find the 56438entrance? 56439% 56440What good is an obscenity trial except to popularize literature? 56441 -- Nero Wolfe, "The League of Frightened Men" 56442% 56443What good is having someone who can walk on water if you don't follow 56444in his footsteps? 56445% 56446What good is it if you talk in flowers, and they think in pastry? 56447 -- Ashleigh Brilliant 56448% 56449What happened last night can happen again. 56450% 56451What happens if a big asteroid hits Earth? Judging from realistic simulations 56452involving a sledge hammer and a common laboratory frog, we can assume it will 56453be pretty bad. 56454 -- Dave Barry 56455% 56456What happens to a dream deferred? 56457Does it dry up 56458Like a raisin in the sun? 56459Or fester like a sore -- 56460And then run? 56461Does it stink like rotten meat? 56462Or crust and sugar over -- 56463Like a syrupy sweet? 56464 56465Maybe it just sags 56466Like a heavy load. 56467 56468Or does it explode? 56469 -- Langston Hughes 56470% 56471What happens when you cut back the jungle? It recedes. 56472% 56473What has roots as nobody sees, 56474Is taller than trees, 56475Up, up it goes, 56476And yet never grows? 56477% 56478What I do, first thing [in the morning], is I hop into the shower 56479stall. Then I hop right back out, because when I hopped in I landed 56480barefoot right on top of See Threepio, a little plastic robot character 56481from "Star Wars" whom my son, Robert, likes to pull the legs off of 56482while he showers. Then I hop right back into the stall because our 56483dog, Earnest, who has been alone in the basement all night building up 56484powerful dog emotions, has come bounding and quivering into the 56485bathroom and wants to greet me with 60 or 70 thousand playful nips, any 56486one of which -- bear in mind that I am naked and, without my contact 56487lenses, essentially blind -- could result in the kind of injury where 56488you have to learn a whole new part if you want to sing the "Messiah", 56489if you get my drift. Then I hop right back out, because Robert, with 56490that uncanny sixth sense some children have -- you cannot teach it; 56491they either have it or they don't -- has chosen exactly that moment to 56492flush one of the toilets. Perhaps several of them. 56493 -- Dave Barry, "Saving Face" 56494% 56495What I mean (and everybody else means) by the word QUALITY cannot be 56496broken down into subjects and predicates. This is not because Quality 56497is so mysterious but because Quality is so simple, immediate, and direct. 56498 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 56499% 56500What I tell you three times is true. 56501 -- Lewis Carroll 56502% 56503What I think is that the F-word is basically just a convenient nasty- 56504sounding word that we tend to use when we would really like to come up 56505with a terrifically witty insult, the kind Winston Churchill always 56506came up with when enormous women asked him stupid questions at 56507parties. 56508 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 56509% 56510What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility. 56511% 56512What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I 56513definitely overpaid for my carpet. 56514 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 56515% 56516What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's 56517worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists? 56518 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 56519% 56520What if there had been room at the inn? 56521 -- Linda Festa on the origins of Christianity 56522% 56523What is a magician but a practicing theorist? 56524 -- Obi-Wan Kenobi 56525% 56526What is algebra, exactly? Is it one of those three-cornered things? 56527 -- J. M. Barrie 56528% 56529What is comedy? Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making 56530them puke. 56531 -- Steve Martin 56532% 56533What is food to one, is to others bitter poison. 56534 -- Titus Lucretius Carus 56535% 56536What is good? Everything that heightens the feeling of power in man, the 56537will to power, power itself. What is bad? Everything that is born of 56538weakness. Not contentedness but more power; not peace but war; not virtue 56539but fitness. The weak and the failures shall perish: first principle of 56540our love of man. And they shall even be given every possible assistance. 56541What is more harmful than any vice? Active pity for all the failures and 56542all the weak: Christianity. 56543 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 56544% 56545What is important is food, money and opportunities for scoring off one's 56546enemies. Give a man these three things and you won't hear much squawking 56547out of him. 56548 -- Brian O'Nolan, "The Best of Myles" 56549% 56550What is irritating about love is that it is a crime that requires 56551an accomplice. 56552 -- Charles Baudelaire 56553% 56554What is love but a second-hand emotion? 56555 -- Tina Turner 56556% 56557What is mind? No matter. 56558What is matter? Never mind. 56559 -- Thomas Hewitt Key (1799-1875) 56560% 56561What is now proved was once only imagin'd. 56562 -- William Blake 56563% 56564What is research but a blind date with knowledge? 56565 -- Will Harvey 56566% 56567What is robbing a bank compared with founding a bank? 56568 -- Bertolt Brecht, "The Threepenny Opera" 56569% 56570What is status? 56571 Status is when the President calls you for your opinion. 56572 56573Uh, no... 56574 Status is when the President calls you in to discuss a 56575 problem with him. 56576 56577Uh, that still ain't right... 56578 STATUS is when you're in the Oval Office talking to the President, 56579 and the phone rings. The President picks it up, listens for a 56580 minute, and hands it to you, saying, "It's for you." 56581% 56582What is the difference between a Turing machine and the modern 56583computer? It's the same as that between Hillary's ascent of Everest 56584and the establishment of a Hilton on its peak. 56585% 56586"What is the Nature of God?" 56587 56588 CLICK...CLICK...WHIRRR...CLICK...=BEEP!= 56589 1 QT. SOUR CREAM 56590 1 TSP. SAUERKRAUT 56591 1/2 CUT CHIVES. 56592 STIR AND SPRINKLE WITH BACON BITS. 56593 56594"I've just GOT to start labeling my software..." 56595 -- Bloom County 56596% 56597What is the sound of one hand clapping? 56598% 56599What is this line of duty, and suffering? You are not supposed to suffer 56600if you are an assassin. The other person is supposed to suffer. 56601 -- Chiun, glory of the name of Sinanju, teacher of the youth 56602 from outside Sinanju named Remo. 56603% 56604What is tolerance? -- it is the consequence of humanity. We are all formed 56605of frailty and error; let us pardon reciprocally each other's folly -- that 56606is the first law of nature. 56607 -- Voltaire 56608% 56609What is truth? We must adopt a pragmatic definition: it is what is believed 56610to be the truth. A lie that is put across therefore becomes the truth and 56611may, therefore, be justified. The difficulty is to keep up lying... it is 56612simpler to tell the truth and if a sufficient emergency arises, to tell one, 56613big thumping lie that will then be believed. 56614 -- Ministry of Information, memo on the maintenance of 56615 British civilian morale, 1939 56616% 56617"What is wanted is not the will to believe, but the will to find out, 56618which is the exact opposite." 56619 -- Bertrand Russell, "Skeptical_Essays", 1928 56620% 56621What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do. 56622% 56623"What I've done, of course, is total garbage." 56624 -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a 56625% 56626What kind of sordid business are you on now? I mean, man, whither 56627goest thou? Whither goest thou, America, in thy shiny car in the night? 56628 -- Jack Kerouac 56629% 56630What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing 56631to compare it with. 56632% 56633What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us 56634is that they think themselves cleverer than we are. 56635% 56636What makes you think graduate school 56637is supposed to be satisfying? 56638 -- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying" 56639% 56640What most people want is all of the power but none of the responsibility. 56641% 56642What no spouse of a writer can ever understand 56643is that a writer is working when he's staring out the window. 56644% 56645What nonsense people talk about happy marriages! 56646A man can be happy with any woman so long as he doesn't love her. 56647 -- Wilde 56648% 56649What on earth would a man do with himself 56650if something did not stand in his way? 56651 -- H. G. Wells 56652% 56653What one believes to be true either is true or becomes true. 56654 -- John Lilly 56655% 56656What one fool can do, another can. 56657 -- Ancient Simian proverb 56658% 56659What orators lack in depth they make up in length. 56660% 56661What pains others pleasures me, 56662At home am I in Lisp or C; 56663There i couch in ecstasy, 56664'Til debugger's poke i flee, 56665Into kernel memory. 56666In system space, system space, there shall i fare-- 56667Inside of a VAX on a silicon square. 56668% 56669What passes for optimism is most often the effect of an intellectual error. 56670 -- Raymond Aron, "The Opium of the Intellectuals" 56671% 56672What passes for woman's intuition is often nothing 56673more than man's transparency. 56674 -- George Nathan 56675% 56676What publishers are looking for these days isn't radical feminism. 56677It's corporate feminism -- a brand of feminism designed to sell books 56678and magazines, three-piece suits, airline tickets, Scotch, cigarettes 56679and, most important, corporate America's message, which runs: "Yes, 56680women were discriminated against in the past, but that unfortunate 56681mistake has been remedied; now every woman can attain wealth, prestige 56682and power by dint of individual rather than collective effort." 56683 -- Susan Gordon 56684% 56685What really shapes and conditions and makes us is somebody only a few 56686of us ever have the courage to face: and that is the child you once 56687were, long before formal education ever got its claws into you -- that 56688impatient, all-demanding child who wants love and power and can't get 56689enough of either and who goes on raging and weeping in your spirit 56690till at last your eyes are closed and all the fools say, "Doesn't he 56691look peaceful?" It is those pent-up, craving children who make all 56692the wars and all the horrors and all the art and all the beauty and 56693discovery in life, because they are trying to achieve what lay beyond 56694their grasp before they were five years old. 56695 -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels" 56696% 56697What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy? 56698 -- Ursula K. LeGuin 56699% 56700What scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch? 56701 -- J. D. Farley 56702% 56703What segment's this, that, laid to rest 56704On FHA0, is sleeping? 56705What system file, lay here a while This, this is "acct.run," 56706While hackers around it were weeping? Accounting file for everyone. 56707 Dump, dump it and type it out, 56708 The file, the highseg of login. 56709Why lies it here, on public disk 56710And why is it now unprotected? 56711A bug in incant, made it thus. Mount, mount all your DECtapes now 56712And copy the file somehow, somehow. The problem has not been corrected. 56713 Dump, dump it and type it out, 56714 The file, the highseg of login. 56715 -- to Greensleeves 56716% 56717What sin has not been committed in the name of efficiency? 56718% 56719What soon grows old? Gratitude. 56720 -- Aristotle 56721% 56722What, still alive at twenty-two, 56723A clean upstanding chap like you? 56724Sure, if your throat 'tis hard to slit, 56725Slit your girl's, and swing for it. 56726Like enough, you won't be glad, 56727When they come to hang you, lad: 56728But bacon's not the only thing 56729That's cured by hanging from a string. 56730So, when the spilt ink of the night 56731Spreads o'er the blotting pad of light, 56732Lads whose job is still to do 56733Shall whet their knives, and think of you. 56734 -- Hugh Kingsmill 56735% 56736What the deuce is it to me? You say that we go around the sun. If we went 56737around the moon it would not make a pennyworth of difference to me or my work. 56738 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet" 56739% 56740What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket. 56741% 56742What the hell is it good for? 56743 -- Robert Lloyd (engineer of the Advanced Computing Systems 56744 Division of IBM), to colleagues who insisted that the 56745 microprocessor was the wave of the future, c. 1968 56746% 56747What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away. 56748% 56749What the scientists have in their briefcases is terrifying. 56750 -- Nikita Khruschev 56751% 56752What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener. 56753% 56754What they said: 56755 What they meant: 56756 56757"I recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever." 56758 (Yes, that about sums it up.) 56759"The amount of mathematics she knows will surprise you." 56760 (And I recommend not giving that school a dime...) 56761"I simply can't say enough good things about him." 56762 (What a screw-up.) 56763"I am pleased to say that this candidate is a former colleague of mine." 56764 (I can't tell you how happy I am that she left our firm.) 56765"When this person left our employ, we were quite hopeful he would go 56766a long way with his skills." 56767 (We hoped he'd go as far as possible.) 56768"You won't find many people like her." 56769 (In fact, most people can't stand being around her.) 56770"I cannot recommend him too highly." 56771 (However, to the best of my knowledge, he has never committed a 56772 felony in my presence.) 56773% 56774What they said: 56775 What they meant: 56776 56777"If you knew this person as well as I know him, you would think as much 56778of him as I do." 56779 (Or as little, to phrase it slightly more accurately.) 56780"Her input was always critical." 56781 (She never had a good word to say.) 56782"I have no doubt about his capability to do good work." 56783 (And it's nonexistent.) 56784"This candidate would lend balance to a department like yours, which 56785already has so many outstanding members." 56786 (Unless you already have a moron.) 56787"His presentation to my seminar last semester was truly remarkable: 56788one unbelievable result after another." 56789 (And we didn't believe them, either.) 56790"She is quite uniform in her approach to any function you may assign her." 56791 (In fact, to life in general...) 56792% 56793What they said: 56794 What they meant: 56795 56796"You will be fortunate if you can get him to work for you." 56797 (We certainly never succeeded.) 56798There is no other employee with whom I can adequately compare him. 56799 (Well, our rats aren't really employees...) 56800"Success will never spoil him." 56801 (Well, at least not MUCH more.) 56802"One usually comes away from him with a good feeling." 56803 (And such a sigh of relief.) 56804"His dissertation is the sort of work you don't expect to see these days; 56805in it he has definitely demonstrated his complete capabilities." 56806 (And his IQ, as well.) 56807"He should go far." 56808 (The farther the better.) 56809"He will take full advantage of his staff." 56810 (He even has one of them mowing his lawn after work.) 56811% 56812What they say: What they mean: 56813 56814A major technological breakthrough... Back to the drawing board. 56815Developed after years of research Discovered by pure accident. 56816Project behind original schedule due We're working on something else. 56817 to unforeseen difficulties 56818Designs are within allowable limits We made it, stretching a point or two. 56819Customer satisfaction is believed So far behind schedule that they'll be 56820 assured grateful for anything at all. 56821Close project coordination We're gonna spread the blame, campers! 56822Test results were extremely gratifying It works, and boy, were we surprised! 56823The design will be finalized... We haven't started yet, but we've got 56824 to say something. 56825The entire concept has been rejected The guy who designed it quit. 56826We're moving forward with a fresh We hired three new guys, and they're 56827 approach kicking it around. 56828A number of different approaches... We don't know where we're going, but 56829 we're moving. 56830Preliminary operational tests are Blew up when we turned it on. 56831 inconclusive 56832Modifications are underway We're starting over. 56833% 56834What they say: What they mean: 56835 56836New Different colors from previous version. 56837All New Not compatible with previous version. 56838Exclusive Nobody else has documentation. 56839Unmatched Almost as good as the competition. 56840Design Simplicity The company wouldn't give us any money. 56841Fool-proof Operation All parameters are hard-coded. 56842Advanced Design Nobody really understands it. 56843Here At Last Didn't get it done on time. 56844Field Tested We don't have any simulators. 56845Years of Development Finally got one to work. 56846Unprecedented Performance Nothing ever ran this slow before. 56847Revolutionary Disk drives go 'round and 'round. 56848Futuristic Only runs on a next generation supercomputer. 56849No Maintenance Impossible to fix. 56850Performance Proven Worked through Beta test. 56851Meets Tough Quality Standards It compiles without errors. 56852Satisfaction Guaranteed We'll send you another pack if it fails. 56853Stock Item We shipped it before and can do it again. 56854% 56855What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel. 56856% 56857What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING! 56858% 56859What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer. 56860% 56861What this country needs is a good five cent nickel. 56862% 56863What this country needs is a good five dollar plasma weapon. 56864% 56865What time is it? 56866I don't know, it keeps changing. 56867% 56868What upsets me is not that you lied to me, 56869but that from now on I can no longer believe you. 56870 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 56871% 56872What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn? 56873 -- Peter S. Beagle, "The Last Unicorn" 56874% 56875What we Are is God's give to us. 56876What we Become is our gift to God. 56877% 56878What we cannot speak about we must pass over in silence. 56879 -- Wittgenstein 56880% 56881What we do not understand we do not possess. 56882 -- Goethe 56883% 56884What we need in this country, instead of Daylight Savings Time, which 56885nobody really understands anyway, is a new concept called Weekday 56886Morning Time, whereby at 7 a.m. every weekday we go into a space- 56887launch-style "hold" for two to three hours, during which it just 56888remains 7 a.m. This way we could all wake up via a civilized gradual 56889process of stretching and belching and scratching, and it would still 56890be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed. 56891 -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!" 56892% 56893What we need is either less corruption, 56894or more chance to participate in it. 56895% 56896What we see depends on mainly what we look for. 56897 -- John Lubbock 56898% 56899What we wish, that we readily believe. 56900 -- Demosthenes 56901% 56902What will happen when the 32-bit Unix date goes negative in mid-January 569032038 does not bear thinking about. 56904 -- Henry Spencer 56905% 56906What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die? 56907% 56908What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it. 56909% 56910What you don't know won't help you much either. 56911 -- D. Bennett 56912% 56913What you see is from outside yourself, and may come, or not, but is beyond 56914your control. But your fear is yours, and yours alone, like your voice, or 56915your fingers, or your memory, and therefore yours to control. If you feel 56916powerless over your fear, you have not yet admitted that it is yours, to do 56917with as you will. 56918 -- Marion Zimmer Bradley, "Stormqueen" 56919% 56920What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for 56921something to occur to you. 56922 -- Robert Frost 56923 56924 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 56925 referring to AST's.] 56926% 56927Whatever became of eternal truth? 56928% 56929Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for 56930cocaine: "You cover Q-tips with sandpaper and ram them up your nostrils 56931as far as they will go. Then you sniff talcum powder while shredding 56932hundred dollar bills." 56933 -- Herb Caen 56934% 56935Whatever doesn't succeed in two months and a half in California will 56936never succeed. 56937 -- Rev. Henry Durant, founder of the University of California 56938% 56939Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified 56940performance. 56941 -- Helen Lawrenson 56942% 56943Whatever happened to the good old days 56944when sex was dirty and the air was clean? 56945% 56946Whatever is not nailed down is mine. What I can pry loose is not 56947nailed down. 56948 -- Collis P. Huntingdon 56949% 56950Whatever is not nailed down is mine. 56951Whatever I can pry up is not nailed down. 56952 -- Collis P. Huntingdon, railroad tycoon 56953% 56954Whatever it is, I fear Greeks even when they bring gifts. 56955 -- Publius Vergilius Maro (Virgil) 56956% 56957Whatever occurs from love is always beyond good and evil. 56958 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 56959% 56960"Whatever the missing mass of the universe is, I hope it's not 56961cockroaches!" 56962 -- Mom 56963% 56964Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half 56965as good. Luckily this is not difficult. 56966 -- Charlotte Whitton 56967% 56968Whatever you do will be insignificant, but it is very important that 56969you do it. 56970 -- Mahatma Gandhi 56971% 56972Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this: that you are dreadfully like 56973other people. 56974 -- James Russell Lowell, "My Study Windows" 56975% 56976Whatever you want to do, you have to do something else first. 56977% 56978What's a cult? It just means not enough people to make a minority. 56979 -- Robert Altman 56980% 56981What's all this bru-ha-ha? 56982% 56983What's another word for "thesaurus"? 56984 -- Steven Wright 56985% 56986What's done to children, they will do to society. 56987% 56988What's page one, a preemptive strike? 56989 -- Professor Freund, Communication, Ramapo State College 56990% 56991What's so funny? 56992% 56993What's the matter with the world? Why, there ain't but one thing wrong 56994with every one of us - and that's "selfishness." 56995 -- The Best of Will Rogers 56996% 56997What's the ugliest part of your body? 56998What's the ugliest part of your body? 56999Some say your nose, 57000Some say your toes, 57001But I think it's your mind. 57002 -- Frank Zappa, 1965 57003% 57004"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?" 57005 -- Doctor Who 57006% 57007What's this stuff about people being "released on their 57008own recognizance"? Aren't we all out on own recognizance? 57009% 57010When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the 57011money is. 57012 -- Robespierre 57013% 57014When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far! 57015% 57016When a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose? 57017% 57018When a fellow says, "It ain't the money but the principle of the 57019thing," it's the money. 57020 -- Kin Hubbard 57021% 57022When a fly lands on the ceiling, does it do a half roll or a half 57023loop? 57024% 57025When a girl can read the handwriting on 57026the wall, she may be in the wrong rest room. 57027% 57028When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the 57029inattentions of one. 57030 -- Helen Rowland 57031% 57032When a lion meets another with a louder roar, 57033the first lion thinks the last a bore. 57034 -- George Bernard Shaw 57035% 57036When a lot of remedies are suggested for 57037a disease, that means it can't be cured. 57038 -- Chekhov, "The Cherry Orchard" 57039% 57040When a man assumes a public trust, he 57041should consider himself as public property. 57042 -- Thomas Jefferson 57043% 57044When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life. 57045 -- Samuel Johnson 57046% 57047When a man knows he is to be hanged in a fortnight, 57048it concentrates his mind wonderfully. 57049 -- Samuel Johnson 57050% 57051When a man sits with a pretty girl for an hour, it seems like a minute. 57052But let him sit on a hot stove for a minute-- and it's longer than any 57053hour. That's relativity. 57054 -- Albert Einstein 57055% 57056When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him 57057keep her. 57058 -- Sacha Guitry 57059% 57060When a man you like switches from what he said a year ago, or four years 57061ago, he is a broad-minded man who has courage enough to change his mind 57062with changing conditions. When a man you don't like does it, he is a 57063liar who has broken his promises. 57064 -- Franklin Adams 57065% 57066When a person goes on a diet, the first thing he loses is his temper. 57067% 57068When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's, social collapse is 57069not far away. It is time to go elsewhere. The best thing about space 57070travel is that it made it possible to go elsewhere. 57071 -- Robert A. Heinlein, "Time Enough For Love" 57072% 57073When a shepherd goes to kill a wolf, and takes his dog along to see the 57074sport, he should take care to avoid mistakes. The dog has certain 57075relationships to the wolf the shepherd may have forgotten. 57076 -- Robert Pirsig, "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance" 57077% 57078When a woman gives me a present I have always two surprises: 57079first is the present, and afterward, having to pay for it. 57080 -- Donnay 57081% 57082When a woman marries again it is because she detested her first husband. 57083When a man marries again, it is because he adored his first wife. 57084 -- Wilde 57085% 57086When alerted to an intrusion by tinkling glass or otherwise, 1) Calm 57087yourself 2) Identify the intruder 3) If hostile, kill him. 57088 57089Step number 3 is of particular importance. If you leave the guy alive 57090out of misguided softheartedness, he will repay your generosity of spirit 57091by suing you for causing his subsequent paraplegia and seek to force you 57092to support him for the rest of his rotten life. In court he will plead 57093that he was depressed because society had failed him, and that he was 57094looking for Mother Teresa for comfort and to offer his services to the 57095poor. In that lawsuit, you will lose. If, on the other hand, you kill 57096him, the most that you can expect is that a relative will bring a wrongful 57097death action. You will have two advantages: first, there be only your 57098story; forget Mother Teresa. Second, even if you lose, how much could 57099the bum's life be worth anyway? A lot less than 50 years worth of 57100paralysis. Don't play George Bush and Saddam Hussein. Finish the job. 57101 -- G. Gordon Liddy's Forbes column on personal security 57102% 57103When Alexander Graham Bell died in 1922, the telephone people 57104interrupted service for one minute in his honor. They've been 57105honoring him intermittently ever since, I believe. 57106 -- The Grab Bag 57107% 57108When all else fails, EAT!!! 57109% 57110When all else fails, pour a pint of Guinness in the gas tank, advance 57111the spark 20 degrees, cry "God Save the Queen!", and pull the starter 57112knob. 57113 -- MG "Series MGA" Workshop Manual 57114% 57115When all else fails, read the instructions. 57116% 57117When all else fails, try Kate Smith. 57118% 57119When all other means of communication fail, try words. 57120% 57121When among apes, one must play the ape. 57122% 57123When angry, count four; when very angry, swear. 57124 -- Mark Twain 57125% 57126"When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo 57127tactics *with* Gestapo tactics?" 57128 -- Reuben Flagg 57129% 57130When arguments fail, use a blackjack. 57131 -- Edward "Spike" O'Donnell, Al Capone associate 57132% 57133When asked by an anthropologist what the Indians called America before 57134the white men came, an Indian said simply "Ours." 57135 -- Vine Deloria, Jr. 57136% 57137When asked the definition of "pi": 57138The Mathematician: 57139 Pi is the number expressing the relationship between the 57140 circumference of a circle and its diameter. 57141The Physicist: 57142 Pi is 3.1415927, plus or minus 0.000000005. 57143The Engineer: 57144 Pi is about 3. 57145% 57146When Boy Scouts do it, it's intense. 57147% 57148When childhood dies, its corpses are called adults. 57149 -- Brian Aldiss 57150% 57151When choosing between two evils, I always 57152like to take the one I've never tried before. 57153 -- Mae West, "Klondike Annie" 57154% 57155When confronted by a difficult problem, you can often solve it quite 57156easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger 57157handle this?" 57158% 57159When Cthulhu calls, He calls collect! 57160% 57161When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this 57162was bound to happen in a democratic system. However, we National Socialists 57163never asserted that we represented a democratic point of view, but we have 57164declared openly that we used the democratic methods only to gain power and 57165that, after assuming the power, we would deny to our adversaries without any 57166consideration the means which were granted to us in times of our opposition. 57167 -- Josef Goebbels 57168% 57169When Dexter's on the Internet, can Hell be far behind?" 57170% 57171When does later become never? 57172% 57173When does summertime come to Minnesota, you ask? Well, last year, I 57174think it was a Tuesday. 57175% 57176When eating an elephant take one bite at a time. 57177 -- Gen. C. Abrams 57178% 57179When forecasting, give them a number 57180or give them a date, but never both. 57181% 57182When God endowed human beings with brains, He did not intend to 57183guarantee them. 57184% 57185When God saw how faulty was man He tried again and made woman. As to 57186why he then stopped there are two opinions. One of them is woman's. 57187 -- DeGourmont 57188% 57189When he got in trouble in the ring, [Ali] imagined a door swung open and 57190inside he could see neon, orange, and green lights blinking, and bats 57191blowing trumpets and alligators blowing trombones, and he could hear snakes 57192screaming. Weird masks and actors' clothes hung on the wall, and if he 57193stepped across the sill and reached for them, he knew that he was committing 57194himself to destruction. 57195 -- George Plimpton 57196% 57197When I came back to Dublin I was courtmartialed in my absence and sentenced 57198to death in my absence, so I said they could shoot me in my absence. 57199 -- Brendan Behan 57200% 57201When I demanded of my friend what viands he preferred, 57202He quoth: "A large cold bottle, and a small hot bird!" 57203 -- Eugene Field, "The Bottle and the Bird" 57204% 57205when i die, i'd like to go peacefully. 57206in my sleep. 57207like my grandfather. 57208 57209not screaming, 57210like the passengers in his car... 57211% 57212When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons. A 57213loud general cheer went up. After downing his whiskey, he hopped onto a 57214barstool and shouted "When I take another drink, *everybody* takes another 57215drink!" The announcement produced another cheer and another round of drinks. 57216 As soon as he had downed his second drink, the fellow hopped back 57217onto the stool. "And when I pay," he bellowed, slapping five dollars onto 57218the bar, "*everybody* pays!" 57219% 57220When I first arrived in this country I had only fifteen cents in my pocket 57221and a willingness to compromise. 57222 -- Weber cartoon caption 57223% 57224"When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great 57225parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if 57226I'm leaving." 57227 -- Steven Wright 57228% 57229When I have one foot in the grave I will tell the truth about women. I 57230shall tell it, jump into my coffin, pull the lid over me, and say, "Do 57231what you like now." 57232 -- Tolstoy 57233% 57234When I hear a man applauded by the mob I always feel a pang of pity 57235for him. All he has to do to be hissed is to live long enough. 57236 -- H. L. Mencken, "Minority Report" 57237% 57238When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a 57239year. I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire 57240winter with slightly over half that quantity of beer. 57241 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 57242% 57243When I kill, the only thing I feel is recoil. 57244% 57245When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young 57246ladies, and, of course, the goat. 57247% 57248When I saw a sign on the freeway that said, "Los Angeles 445 miles," I said 57249to myself, "I've got to get out of this lane." 57250 -- Franklyn Ajaye 57251% 57252When I say the magic word to all these people, they will vanish forever. 57253I will then say the magic words to you, and you, too, will vanish -- never 57254to be seen again. 57255 -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., "Between Time and Timbuktu" 57256% 57257When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve 57258it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality. 57259 -- Al Capone 57260% 57261When I think about myself, 57262I almost laugh myself to death, 57263My life has been one great big joke, Sixty years in these folks' world 57264A dance that's walked The child I works for calls me girl 57265A song that's spoke, I say "Yes ma'am" for working's sake. 57266I laugh so hard I almost choke Too proud to bend 57267When I think about myself. Too poor to break, 57268 I laugh until my stomach ache, 57269 When I think about myself. 57270My folks can make me split my side, 57271I laughed so hard I nearly died, 57272The tales they tell, sound just like lying, 57273They grow the fruit, 57274But eat the rind, 57275I laugh until I start to crying, 57276When I think about my folks. 57277 -- Maya Angelou 57278% 57279When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father. 57280By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement. 57281% 57282When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. Now 57283I'm beginning to believe it. 57284 -- Clarence Darrow 57285% 57286When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard... 57287I was an only child... eventually. 57288 -- Steven Wright 57289% 57290When I was a kid I said to my father one afternoon, "Daddy, will you 57291take me to the zoo?" He answered, "If the zoo wants you let them come 57292and get you." 57293 -- Jerry Lewis 57294% 57295When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd 57296all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. 57297It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear. 57298 -- Jack Handey 57299% 57300When I was a kid, we had a quick-sand box in the backyard. 57301I was an only child... eventually. 57302 -- Steven Wright 57303% 57304When I was a young man, I vowed never to marry until I found the ideal 57305woman. Well, I found her -- but alas, she was waiting for the ideal man. 57306 -- Robert Schuman 57307% 57308"When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any 57309firearms with me. I said, `Well, what do you need?'" 57310 -- Steven Wright 57311% 57312When I was growing up my mother kept telling me we're just friends. 57313 57314I tell ya I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my Dad kept the kid's 57315picture that came with the wallet he bought. 57316 -- Rodney Dangerfield 57317% 57318When I was in college, there were a lot of four-letter words you couldn't 57319say in front of girls. Now you can say them. But you can't say "girls". 57320% 57321When I was in school, I cheated on my metaphysics exam: I looked into 57322the soul of the boy sitting next to me. 57323 -- Woody Allen 57324% 57325When I was little, I went into a pet shop and they asked how big I'd get. 57326 -- Rodney Dangerfield 57327% 57328When I was seven years old, I was once reprimanded by my mother for an 57329act of collective brutality in which I had been involved at school. A 57330group of seven-year-olds had been teasing and tormenting a 57331six-year-old. "It is always so," my mother said. "You do things 57332together which not one of you would think of doing alone." ... 57333Wherever one looks in the world of human organization, collective 57334responsibility brings a lowering of moral standards. The military 57335establishment is an extreme case, an organization which seems to have 57336been expressly designed to make it possible for people to do things 57337together which nobody in his right mind would do alone. 57338 -- Freeman Dyson, "Weapons and Hope" 57339% 57340When I was young we didn't have MTV; we 57341had to take drugs and go to concerts. 57342 -- Steven Pearl 57343% 57344When I was younger, I could remember anything, whether it had happened 57345or not; but my faculties are decaying now and soon I shall be so I 57346cannot remember any but the things that never happened. It is sad to 57347go to pieces like this but we all have to do it. 57348 -- Mark Twain 57349% 57350When I woke up this morning, my girlfriend asked if I had 57351slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes." 57352 -- Steven Wright 57353% 57354When I works, I works hard. 57355When I sits, I sits easy. 57356And when I thinks, I goes to sleep. 57357% 57358When I'm gone, boxing will be nothing again. The fans with the cigars and 57359the hats turned down'll be there, but no more housewives and little men in 57360the street and foreign presidents. It's goin' to be back to the fighter who 57361comes to town, smells a flower, visits a hospital, blows a horn and says 57362he's in shape. Old hat. I was the onliest boxer in history people asked 57363questions like a senator. 57364 -- Muhammad Ali 57365% 57366When I'm good, I'm great; but when I'm bad, I'm better. 57367 -- Mae West 57368% 57369When in charge ponder, 57370When in doubt mumble, 57371When in trouble delegate. 57372% 57373When in doubt, do it. It's much easier 57374to apologize than to get permission. 57375 -- Grace Murray Hopper 57376% 57377When in doubt, do what the President does -- guess. 57378% 57379When in doubt, follow your heart. 57380% 57381When in doubt, have a man come through the door with a gun in his hand. 57382 -- Raymond Chandler 57383% 57384When in doubt, lead trump. 57385% 57386When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder. 57387 -- James H. Boren 57388% 57389When in doubt, tell the truth. 57390 -- Mark Twain 57391% 57392When in doubt, use brute force. 57393 -- Ken Thompson 57394% 57395When in panic, fear and doubt, 57396Drink in barrels, eat, and shout. 57397% 57398When in Rome, live in the Roman way. 57399 -- St. Ambrose 57400% 57401When in this world the headlines read 57402Of those whose hearts are filled with greed 57403Who rob and steal from those who need 57404The cry goes up with blinding speed for Underdog (UNDERDOG!) 57405Underdog (UNDERDOG!) 57406Speed of lightning, roar of thunder 57407Fighting all who rob or plunder 57408Underdog (ah-ah-ah-ah) 57409Underdog 57410UNDERDOG! 57411% 57412When in trouble or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout. 57413% 57414When it comes to broken marriages most husbands will split the blame -- 57415half his wife's fault, and half her mother's. 57416% 57417When it comes to helping you, some people stop at nothing. 57418% 57419When it is not necessary to make a decision, 57420it is necessary not to make a decision. 57421% 57422When it's dark enough you can see the stars. 57423 -- Ralph Waldo Emerson 57424% 57425When license fees are too high, 57426users do things by hand. 57427When the management is too intrusive, 57428users lose their spirit. 57429 57430Hack for the user's benefit. 57431Trust them; leave them alone. 57432% 57433When love is gone, there's always justice. 57434And when justice is gone, there's always force. 57435And when force is gone, there's always Mom. 57436Hi, Mom! 57437 -- Laurie Anderson 57438% 57439When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it 57440will attempt to defend itself when he tries to kill it. 57441% 57442When managers hold endless meetings, the programmers write games. When 57443accountants talk of quarterly profits, the development budget is about to 57444be cut. When senior scientists talk blue sky, the clouds are about to roll 57445in. 57446 57447Truly, this is not the Tao of Programming. 57448 57449When managers make commitments, game programs are ignored. When accountants 57450make long-range plans, harmony and order are about to be restored. When 57451senior scientists address the problems at hand, the problems will soon be 57452solved. 57453 57454Truly, this is the Tao of Programming. 57455% 57456When Marriage is Outlawed, 57457Only Outlaws will have Inlaws. 57458% 57459When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment 57460results. 57461 -- Calvin Coolidge 57462% 57463When my brain begins to reel from my 57464literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip. 57465 -- Ignatius Reilly 57466% 57467When my fist clenches crack it open, 57468Before I use it and lose my cool. 57469When I smile tell me some bad news, 57470Before I laugh and act like a fool. 57471 57472And if I swallow anything evil, 57473Put you finger down my throat. 57474And if I shiver please give me a blanket, 57475Keep me warm let me wear your coat 57476 57477No one knows what it's like to be the bad man, 57478 to be the sad man. 57479Behind blue eyes. 57480No one knows what its like to be hated, 57481 to be fated, 57482To telling only lies. 57483 -- The Who, "Behind Blue Eyes" 57484% 57485When my freshman roommate at Cornell found out I was Jewish, she was, 57486at her request, moved to a different room. She told me she didn't 57487think she had ever seen a Jew before. My only response was to begin 57488wearing a small Star of David on a chain around my neck. I had not 57489become a more observing Jew; rather, discovering that the label of 57490Jew was offensive to others made me want to let people know who I 57491was and what I believed in. Similarly, after talking to these young 57492women -- one of whom told me that she didn't think she had ever met 57493a feminist -- I've taken to identifying myself as a feminist in the 57494most unlikely of situations. 57495 -- Susan Bolotin, "Voices From the Post-Feminist Generation" 57496% 57497When neither their poverty nor their honor is 57498touched, the majority of men live content. 57499 -- Niccolo Machiavelli 57500% 57501When nothing can possibly go wrong, it will. 57502% 57503When one burns one's bridges, what a very nice fire it makes. 57504 -- Dylan Thomas 57505% 57506When one knows women one pities men, 57507but when one studies men, one excuses women. 57508 -- Horne Tooke 57509% 57510When one wants to get rid of an unsupportable pressure, one needs hashish. 57511 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 57512% 57513When one woman was asked how long she had been going to symphony 57514concerts, she paused to calculate and replied, "Forty-seven years -- 57515and I find I mind it less and less." 57516 -- Louise Andrews Kent 57517% 57518When Oxygen Tech played Hydrogen U. 57519The Game had just begun, when Hydrogen scored two fast points 57520And Oxygen still had none 57521Then Oxygen scored a single goal 57522And thus it did remain, At Hydrogen 2 and Oxygen 1 57523Called because of rain. 57524% 57525When people have trouble communicating, 57526the least they can do is to shut up. 57527 -- Tom Lehrer 57528% 57529When people say nothing, they don't necessarily mean nothing. 57530% 57531When pleasure remains, does it remain a pleasure? 57532% 57533When President Paul Doumer of France was assassinated in Paris in 1932, 57534newspapers differed in their versions of the event. This is from "Paris 57535was Yesterday: 1925-1939" by Janet Flanner, edited by Irving Drutman. 57536 57537 Taste varied as to his cry when he was shot down, the more popular 57538 papers preferring his despairing "Oh, la la!," the graver dailies 57539 favoring "Is it possible?" What few reported were his dying words: 57540 "But what kind of chauffeur was it?" Having been told by his aides 57541 not that he had been shot but that he had been struck by a taxi, the 57542 President spent the last conscious moments of his life wondering how 57543 an automobile got into the charity book sale at the Maison 57544 Rothschild, where his assassination occurred. 57545% 57546When properly administered, vacations do not diminish productivity: 57547for every week you're away and get nothing done, there's another when 57548your boss is away and you get twice as much done. 57549 -- Daniel B. Luten 57550% 57551When smashing monuments, save the pedestals -- they always come in handy. 57552 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts" 57553% 57554When some people decide it's time for everyone to make 57555big changes, it means that they want you to change first. 57556% 57557When some people discover the truth, they just 57558can't understand why everybody isn't eager to hear it. 57559% 57560When someone makes a move We'll send them all we've got, 57561Of which we don't approve, John Wayne and Randolph Scott, 57562Who is it that always intervenes? Remember those exciting fighting scenes? 57563U.N. and O.A.S., To the shores of Tripoli, 57564They have their place, I guess, But not to Mississippoli, 57565But first, send the Marines! What do we do? We send the Marines! 57566 57567For might makes right, Members of the corps 57568And till they've seen the light, All hate the thought of war: 57569They've got to be protected, They'd rather kill them off by 57570 peaceful means. 57571All their rights respected, Stop calling it aggression-- 57572Till somebody we like can be elected. We hate that expression! 57573 We only want the world to know 57574 That we support the status quo; 57575 They love us everywhere we go, 57576 So when in doubt, send the Marines! 57577 -- Tom Lehrer, "Send The Marines" 57578% 57579When someone says "I want a programming language in which I need only 57580say what I wish done," give him a lollipop. 57581% 57582When speculation has done its worst, two plus two still equals four. 57583 -- S. Johnson 57584% 57585When taxes are due, Americans tend to feel quite bled-white and blue. 57586% 57587When the Apple IIc was introduced, the informative copy led off with a couple 57588of asterisked sentences: 57589 57590 It weighs less than 8 pounds.* 57591 And costs less than $1,300.** 57592 57593In tiny type were these "fuller explanations": 57594 57595 * Don't asterisks make you suspicious as all get out? Well, all 57596 this means is that the IIc alone weights 7.5 pounds. The power 57597 pack, monitor, an extra disk drive, a printer and several bricks 57598 will make the IIc weigh more. Our lawyers were concerned that you 57599 might not be able to figure this out for yourself. 57600 57601 ** The FTC is concerned about price fixing. You can pay more if 57602 you really want to. Or less. 57603 -- Forbes 57604% 57605When the ax entered the forest, the trees said, "The handle is one of us!" 57606 -- Turkish proverb 57607% 57608When the blind lead the blind they will both fall over the cliff. 57609 -- Chinese proverb 57610% 57611When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never 57612talking about themselves. 57613% 57614When the candles are out all women are fair. 57615 -- Plutarch 57616% 57617When the cup is full, carry it level. 57618% 57619When the doubt vanishes and the issue becomes evident, stupidity reigns. 57620 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 57621% 57622When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it. 57623 -- Billy Sunday 57624% 57625When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little 57626muddy paw prints on the hood of my car. 57627% 57628When the going gets tough, everyone leaves. 57629 -- Lynch 57630% 57631When the going gets tough, the tough get empirical. 57632 -- Jon Carroll 57633% 57634When the going gets tough, the tough go grab a beer. 57635% 57636When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping. 57637% 57638When the going gets weird, the weird turn pro. 57639 -- Hunter S. Thompson 57640% 57641When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you 57642modify the problem, not the remedy. 57643% 57644When the Guru administers, the users 57645are hardly aware that he exists. 57646Next best is a sysop who is loved. 57647Next, one who is feared. 57648And worst, one who is despised. 57649 57650If you don't trust the users, 57651you make them untrustworthy. 57652 57653The Guru doesn't talk, he hacks. 57654When his work is done, 57655the users say, "Amazing: 57656we implemented it, all by ourselves!" 57657% 57658When the leaders speak of peace 57659The common folk know 57660That war is coming 57661When the leaders curse war 57662The mobilization order is already written out. 57663 57664Every day, to earn my daily bread 57665I go to the market where lies are bought 57666Hopefully 57667I take my place among the sellers. 57668 -- Bertolt Brecht, "Hollywood" 57669% 57670When the lights are out, all women are fair. 57671 -- Plutarch 57672% 57673When the Ngdanga tribe of West Africa hold their moon love ceremonies, 57674the men of the tribe bang their heads on sacred trees until they get a 57675nose bleed, which usually cures them of ____that. 57676 -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac" 57677% 57678When the only tool you have is a hammer, every problem starts to look 57679like a nail. 57680% 57681When the President does it, that means it is not illegal. 57682 -- Richard Nixon 57683% 57684When the revolution comes, count your change. 57685% 57686When the salesman's car broke down, he walked to the nearest farmhouse to ask 57687if he could stay the night. The farmer agreed to put him up. "I live alone," 57688he continued, "you can have the bedroom at the top of the stairs, to the 57689right." 57690 "Oh, never mind," the disappointed salesman said. "I think I'm in 57691the wrong joke." 57692% 57693When the speaker and he to whom he is speaking do not understand, that is 57694metaphysics. 57695 -- Voltaire 57696% 57697When the sun shineth, make hay. 57698 -- John Heywood 57699% 57700When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the 57701stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them 57702from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones 57703were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the 57704corners as bodies of a lower grade ... 57705 -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad" 57706% 57707When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in a movie theatre, 57708he walked over and whispered, "I'm sorry, sir, but you're allowed only a single 57709seat." The man moaned, but did not budge. "Sir," the user said more loudly, 57710"if you don't move, I'll have to call a manager." The man moaned again but 57711stayed where he was. The usher left, and returned with the manager, who, after 57712several more attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. 57713 The cop took a look at the reclining man and said, "All right, boyo, 57714what's your name?" 57715 "Samuel," he mumbled. 57716 "And where're you from, Sam?" 57717 "The balcony." 57718% 57719When the weight of the paperwork equals the weight of the plane, the 57720plane will fly. 57721 -- Donald Douglas 57722% 57723When the wind is great, bow before it; 57724when the wind is heavy, yield to it. 57725% 57726When there are two conflicting versions of the story, the wise course 57727is to believe the one in which people appear at their worst. 57728 -- H. Allen Smith, "Let the Crabgrass Grow" 57729% 57730When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary. 57731 -- Honore de Balzac 57732% 57733When things go well, expect something to 57734explode, erode, collapse or just disappear. 57735% 57736When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most 57737insane, most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are 57738required to swear that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and 57739exhausting condition continuously until death do them part. 57740 -- George Bernard Shaw 57741% 57742When users see one GUI as beautiful, 57743other user interfaces become ugly. 57744When users see some programs as winners, 57745other programs become lossage. 57746 57747Pointers and NULLs reference each other. 57748High level and assembler depend on each other. 57749Double and float cast to each other. 57750High-endian and low-endian define each other. 57751While and until follow each other. 57752 57753Therefore the Guru 57754programs without doing anything 57755and teaches without saying anything. 57756Warnings arise and he lets them come; 57757processes are swapped and he lets them go. 57758He has but doesn't possess, 57759acts but doesn't expect. 57760When his work is done, he deletes it. 57761That is why it lasts forever. 57762% 57763When we are planning for posterity, we ought to remember that virtue is 57764not hereditary. 57765 -- Thomas Paine 57766% 57767When we jumped into Sicily, the units became separated, and I couldn't find 57768anyone. Eventually I stumbled across two colonels, a major, three captains, 57769two lieutenants, and one rifleman, and we secured the bridge. Never in the 57770history of war have so few been led by so many. 57771 -- General James Gavin 57772% 57773When we talk of tomorrow, the gods laugh. 57774% 57775When we understand knowledge-based systems, it will be as before -- 57776except our fingertips will have been singed. 57777 -- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982 57778% 57779When we write programs that "learn", 57780it turns out we do and they don't. 57781% 57782When women kiss it always reminds one of prize fighters shaking hands. 57783 -- H. L. Mencken, "Sententiae" 57784% 57785When women love us, they forgive us everything, even our crimes; 57786when they do not love us, they give us credit for nothing, not 57787even our virtues. 57788 -- Honore de Balzac 57789% 57790When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all. 57791 -- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand" 57792% 57793When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of 57794investigation of a topic, it is well to have the answer firmly in hand, 57795so that you can proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or 57796swayed, directly to the goal. 57797 -- Amrom Katz 57798% 57799When you are at Rome live in the Roman style; 57800when you are elsewhere live as they live elsewhere. 57801 -- St. Ambrose 57802% 57803"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut." 57804% 57805When you are working hard, get up and retch every so often. 57806% 57807When you are young, you enjoy a sustained illusion that sooner or later 57808something marvelous is going to happen, that you are going to transcend 57809your parents' limitations... At the same time, you feel sure that in all 57810the wilderness of possibility; in all the forests of opinion, there is a 57811vital something that can be known -- known and grasped. That we will 57812eventually know it, and convert the whole mystery into a coherent 57813narrative. So that then one's true life -- the point of everything -- 57814will emerge from the mist into a pure light, into total comprehension. 57815But it isn't like that at all. But if it isn't, where did the idea come 57816from, to torture and unsettle us? 57817 -- Brian Aldiss, "Helliconia Summer" 57818% 57819When you become used to never being alone, 57820you may consider yourself Americanized. 57821% 57822When you dial a wrong number you never get a busy signal. 57823% 57824When you die, you lose a very important part of your life. 57825 -- Brooke Shields 57826% 57827When you dig another out of trouble, 57828you've got a place to bury your own. 57829% 57830When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried. 57831% 57832When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly. 57833% 57834When you find yourself in danger, 57835When you're threatened by a stranger, 57836When it looks like you will take a lickin'... 57837 57838There is one thing you should learn, 57839When there is no one else to turn to, 57840 Caaaall for Super Chicken!! (**bwuck-bwuck-bwuck-bwuck**) 57841 Caaaall for Super Chicken!! 57842% 57843When you get what you want in your struggle for pelf, 57844And the world makes you King for a day, 57845Then go to the mirror and look at yourself, 57846And see what that guy has to say. 57847 For it isn't your Father, or Mother, or Wife, 57848 Who judgement upon you must pass. 57849 The feller whose verdict counts most in your life 57850 Is the guy staring back from the glass. 57851He's the feller to please, never mind all the rest, 57852For he's with you clear up to the end, 57853And you've passed your most dangerous, difficult test 57854If the guy in the glass is your friend. 57855 You may be like Jack Horner and "chisel" a plum, 57856 And think you're a wonderful guy, 57857 But the man in the glass says you're only a bum 57858 If you can't look him straight in the eye. 57859You can fool the whole world down the pathway of years, 57860And get pats on the back as you pass, 57861But your final reward will be heartaches and tears 57862If you've cheated the guy in the glass. 57863 -- Dale Wimbrow (1895-1954), "The Guy in the Glass" (1934) 57864 [Pelf is a Middle English word for wealth or riches, 57865 especially when acquired dishonestly. Ed.] 57866% 57867When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve 57868people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty. 57869 -- Norm Crosby 57870% 57871When you go out to buy, don't show your silver. 57872% 57873When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship. 57874 -- Harry S. Truman 57875% 57876When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever 57877remains, however improbable, must be the truth. 57878 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Sign of Four" 57879% 57880"When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite." 57881 -- Winston Churchill, on formal declarations of war 57882% 57883When you jump for joy, beware that no-one 57884moves the ground from beneath your feet. 57885 -- Stanislaw J. Lec, "Unkempt Thoughts" 57886% 57887When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by 57888asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't 57889know the answer either. 57890 -- Edgar R. Fiedler 57891% 57892When you live in a sick society, 57893just about everything you do is wrong. 57894% 57895When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers. 57896 -- The Wall Street Journal 57897% 57898When you meet a master swordsman, 57899show him your sword. 57900When you meet a man who is not a poet, 57901do not show him your poem. 57902 -- Rinzai, ninth century Zen master 57903% 57904When you overesteem great hackers, 57905more users become cretins. 57906When you develop encryption, 57907more users become crackers. 57908 57909The Guru leads 57910by emptying user's minds 57911and increasing their quotas, 57912by weakening their ambition 57913and toughening their resolve. 57914When users lack knowledge and desire, 57915management will not try to interfere. 57916 57917Practice not-looping, 57918and everything will fall into place. 57919% 57920When you say that you agree to a thing in principle, you mean that 57921you have not the slightest intention of carrying it out in practice. 57922 -- Otto von Bismarck 57923% 57924When you speak to others for their own good it's advice; 57925when they speak to you for your own good it's interference. 57926% 57927When you try to make an impression, the chances are that is the 57928impression you will make. 57929% 57930When you were born, a big chance was taken for you. 57931% 57932When your conscious becomes unconscious, you are drunk. 57933When your unconscious becomes conscious, you are stoned. 57934% 57935When your life is a leaf that the seasons tear off and condemn 57936They will bind you with love that is graceful and green as a stem. 57937 -- Leonard Cohen, "Sisters of Mercy" 57938% 57939When your memory goes, forget it! 57940% 57941When your work speaks for itself, don't interrupt. 57942 -- Henry J. Kaiser 57943% 57944When you're a Yup 57945You're a Yup all the way 57946From your first slice of Brie 57947To your last Cabernet. 57948 57949When you're a Yup 57950You're not just a dreamer 57951You're making things happen 57952You're driving a Beamer. 57953% 57954When you're away, I'm restless, lonely 57955Wretched, bored, dejected, only 57956Here's the rub, my darling dear, 57957I feel the same when you are near. 57958 -- Samuel Hoffenstein, "Poems in Praise of Practically Nothing" 57959% 57960When you're bored with yourself, marry, and be bored with someone else. 57961 -- David Pryce-Jones 57962% 57963When you're dining out and you suspect 57964something's wrong, you're probably right. 57965% 57966When you're down and out, lift up your 57967voice and shout, "I'M DOWN AND OUT"! 57968% 57969When you're in command, command. 57970 -- Admiral Nimitz 57971% 57972When you're married to someone, they take you for granted ... when 57973you're living with someone it's fantastic ... they're so frightened 57974of losing you they've got to keep you satisfied all the time. 57975 -- Nell Dunn, "Poor Cow" 57976% 57977When you're not looking at it, this fortune is written in FORTRAN. 57978% 57979When you're ready to give up the struggle, who can you surrender to? 57980% 57981WHEN YOU'RE RIDING IN A TIME MACHINE way far into the future, don't stick 57982your elbow out the window or it'll turn into a fossil. 57983 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. 57984% 57985When you've seen one nuclear war, you've seen them all. 57986% 57987Whenever a system becomes completely defined, 57988some damn fool discovers something which either 57989abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition. 57990% 57991WHENEVER ANYBODY SAYS he's struggling to become a human being I have to 57992laugh because the apes beat him to it by about a million years. Struggle 57993to become a parrot or something. 57994 -- Jack Handey, "The New Mexican", 1988. 57995% 57996Whenever anyone says, "theoretically," they really mean "not really". 57997 -- Dave Parnas 57998% 57999Whenever I date a guy, I think, is this the man I want my children 58000to spend their weekends with? 58001 -- Rita Rudner 58002% 58003Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes. 58004% 58005Whenever I hear anyone arguing for slavery, I feel a strong impulse to 58006see it tried on him personally. 58007 -- Abraham Lincoln 58008% 58009Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct 58010is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. 58011Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny. 58012 -- Jack Handey 58013% 58014Whenever people agree with me I always feel I must be wrong. 58015 -- Oscar Wilde 58016% 58017Whenever Richard Cory went downtown, 58018 We people on the pavement looked at him: 58019He was a gentleman from sole to crown, 58020 Clean-favored, and imperially slim. 58021And he was always quietly arrayed, 58022 And he was always human when he talked; 58023But still he fluttered pulses when he said, 58024 "Good morning," and he glittered when he walked. 58025And he was rich -- yes, richer than a king -- 58026 And admirably schooled in every grace: 58027In fine, we thought that he was everything 58028 To make us wish that we were in his place. 58029So on we worked, and waited for the light, 58030 And went without the meat, and cursed the bread; 58031And Richard Cory, one calm summer night, 58032 Went home and put a bullet through his head. 58033 -- E. A. Robinson, "Richard Cory" 58034% 58035Whenever someone tells you to take their advice, 58036you can be pretty sure that they're not using it. 58037% 58038Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that is the last 58039you are going to see of him until he emerges on the other side of his 58040Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. 58041 -- Mark Twain 58042 "Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court" 58043% 58044Whenever the literary German dives into a sentence, that 58045is the last you are going to see of him until he emerges 58046on the other side of his Atlantic with his verb in his mouth. 58047 -- Mark Twain 58048% 58049Whenever you find that you are on the side of the majority, it is time 58050to reform. 58051 -- Mark Twain 58052% 58053Where a calculator on the ENIAC is equipped with 18,000 vacuum tubes and 58054weighs 30 tons, computers in the future may have only 1,000 vacuum tubes 58055and perhaps weigh 1 1/2 tons. 58056 -- Popular Mechanics, March 1949 58057% 58058Where am I? Who am I? Am I? I 58059% 58060Where are the calculations that go with a calculated risk? 58061% 58062WHERE CAN THE MATTER BE 58063 Oh, dear, where can the matter be 58064 When it's converted to energy? 58065 There is a slight loss of parity. 58066 Johnny's so long at the fair. 58067% 58068Where do I find the time for not reading so many books? 58069 -- Karl Kraus 58070% 58071Where do you go to get anorexia? 58072 -- Shelley Winters 58073% 58074Where humor is concerned there are no standards -- no one can say what 58075is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. 58076 -- John Kenneth Galbraith 58077% 58078Where is John Carson now that we need him? 58079 -- RLG 58080% 58081Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to 58082examine the laws of heat. 58083 -- Christopher Morley 58084% 58085Where, oh, where, are you tonight? 58086Why did you leave me here all alone? 58087I searched the world over, and I thought I'd found true love. 58088You met another, and *PPHHHLLLBBBBTTT*, you wuz gone. 58089 58090Gloom, despair and agony on me. 58091Deep dark depression, excessive misery. 58092If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all. 58093Oh, gloom, despair and agony on me. 58094 -- Hee Haw 58095% 58096Where, oh where, are you tonight? 58097Why did you leave me here all alone? 58098I searched the world over, 58099And I thought I'd found true love, 58100You met another and [Bronx cheer] you were gone! 58101 -- Hee Haw 58102% 58103Where the hell is Wall Drug? 58104% 58105Where the system is concerned, you're not allowed to ask "Why?". 58106% 58107Where there are visible vapors, having their prevenance 58108in ignited carbonaceous materials, there is conflagration. 58109% 58110Where there is much light there is also much shadow. 58111 -- Goethe 58112% 58113Where there's a whip there's a way. 58114% 58115Where there's a will, there's a relative. 58116% 58117Where there's a will, there's an Inheritance Tax. 58118% 58119Where will it all end? 58120Probably somewhere near where it all began. 58121% 58122Where you stand depends on where you sit. 58123 -- Rufus Miles, HEW 58124% 58125Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent. 58126 -- Wittgenstein 58127% 58128Where's the man could ease a heart 58129Like a satin gown? 58130 -- Dorothy Parker, "The Satin Dress" 58131% 58132...whether it is better to spend a life not knowing what you want or to 58133spend a life knowing exactly what you want and that you will never have it. 58134 -- Richard Shelton 58135% 58136Whether weary or unweary, O man, do not rest, 58137Do not cease your single-handed struggle. 58138Go on, do not rest. 58139 -- An old Gujarati hymn 58140% 58141Whether you can hear it or not 58142The Universe is laughing behind your back 58143 -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata" 58144% 58145Which is worse: ignorance or apathy? Who knows? Who cares? 58146% 58147Which would you rather have, a bursting 58148planet or an earthquake here and there? 58149 -- John Joseph Lynch 58150% 58151While anyone can admit to themselves they were wrong, the true test is 58152admission to someone else. 58153% 58154While Europe's eye is fix'd on mighty things, 58155The fate of empires and the fall of kings; 58156While quacks of State must each produce his plan, 58157And even children lisp the Rights of Man; 58158Amid this mighty fuss just let me mention, 58159The Rights of Woman merit some attention. 58160 -- Robert Burns, Address on "The Rights of Woman", 58161 November 26, 1792 58162% 58163While having never invented a sin, I'm trying to perfect several. 58164% 58165While he was in New York on location for _Bronco Billy_ (1980), Clint 58166Eastwood agreed to a television interview. His host, somewhat hostile, 58167began by defining a Clint Eastwood picture as a violent, ruthless, 58168lawless, and bloody piece of mayhem, and then asked Eastwood himself to 58169define a Clint Eastwood picture. "To me," said Eastwood calmly, "what 58170a Clint Eastwood picture is, is one that I'm in." 58171 -- Boller and Davis, "Hollywood Anecdotes" 58172% 58173While I nodded, nearly napping, suddenly there came a tapping, 58174As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door. 58175 -- Edgar Allan Poe, "The Raven" 58176 58177 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 58178 referring to hardware interrupts.] 58179 58180And now I see with eye serene 58181The very pulse of the machine. 58182 -- William Wordsworth, "She Was a Phantom of Delight" 58183 58184 [Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when 58185 referring to software interrupts.] 58186% 58187While it may be true that a watched pot never boils, the one you don't 58188keep an eye on can make an awful mess of your stove. 58189 -- Edward Stevenson 58190% 58191While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own 58192form of misery. 58193% 58194While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining 58195position. 58196% 58197While most peoples' opinions change, the conviction of their 58198correctness never does. 58199% 58200While passing a vacant lot late one night, a jogger was stopped by a man who 58201held a gun to his head. 58202 "Who are you for," the gunman snarled, "Bush or Dukakis?" 58203 The runner thought for a moment, shifting nervously from foot to foot, 58204as the muzzle pressed harder into his temple. 58205 "Bush or Dukakis?" the mugger insisted. 58206 Finally, the jogger shrugged his shoulders, closed his eyes and bowed 58207his head. "Go ahead and shoot." 58208% 58209While there's life, there's hope. 58210 -- Publius Terentius Afer (Terence) 58211% 58212While walking down a crowded 58213City street the other day, 58214I heard a little urchin 58215To a comrade turn and say, 58216"Say, Chimmey, lemme tell youse, 58217I'd be happy as a clam 58218If only I was de feller dat 58219Me mudder t'inks I am. 58220 58221"She t'inks I am a wonder, My friends, be yours a life of toil 58222An' she knows her little lad Or undiluted joy, 58223Could never mix wit' nuttin' You can learn a wholesome lesson 58224Dat was ugly, mean or bad. From that small, untutored boy. 58225Oh, lot o' times I sit and t'ink Don't aim to be an earthly saint 58226How nice, 'twould be, gee whiz! With eyes fixed on a star: 58227If a feller was de feller Just try to be the fellow that 58228Dat his mudder t'inks he is." Your mother thinks you are. 58229 -- Will S. Adkin, "If I Only Was the Fellow" 58230% 58231While we are sleeping, two-thirds of the world is plotting to do us in. 58232 -- Dean Rusk 58233% 58234While you don't greatly need the outside world, it's still very 58235reassuring to know that it's still there. 58236% 58237While you recently had your problems on the run, 58238they've regrouped and are making another attack. 58239% 58240While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are 58241safe, for you can watch both of his. 58242 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 58243% 58244Whip it, whip it good! 58245% 58246Whistler's Law: 58247 You never know who is right, but you always know who is in 58248charge. 58249% 58250Whistler's mother is off her rocker. 58251% 58252White dwarf seeks red giant for binary relationship. 58253% 58254Whitehead's Law: 58255 The obvious answer is always overlooked. 58256% 58257White's Statement: 58258 Don't lose heart! 58259 58260Owen's Commentary on White's Statement: 58261 ...they might want to cut it out... 58262 58263Byrd's Addition to Owen's Commentary: 58264 ...and they want to avoid a lengthy search. 58265% 58266Who are you? 58267% 58268Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously? 58269 -- Nathan Pusey 58270% 58271"Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new 58272Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process ..." 58273% 58274Who dat who say "who dat" when I say "who dat"? 58275 -- Hattie McDaniel 58276% 58277Who does not love wine, women, and song, 58278Remains a fool his whole life long. 58279 -- Johann Heinrich Voss 58280% 58281Who does not trust enough will not be trusted. 58282 -- Lao Tsu 58283% 58284Who goeth a-borrowing goeth a-sorrowing. 58285 -- Thomas Tusser 58286% 58287Who is D. B. Cooper, and where is he now? 58288% 58289Who is John Galt? 58290% 58291Who is W. O. Baker, and why is he saying those terrible things about me? 58292% 58293Who loves me will also love my dog. 58294 -- John Donne 58295% 58296Who loves not wisely but too well 58297Will look on Helen's face in hell, 58298But he whose love is thin and wise 58299Will view John Knox in Paradise. 58300 -- Dorothy Parker 58301% 58302Who made the world I cannot tell; 58303'Tis made, and here am I in hell. 58304My hand, though now my knuckles bleed, 58305I never soiled with such a deed. 58306 -- A. E. Housman 58307% 58308Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot? 58309% 58310Who needs companionship when you 58311can sit alone in your room and drink? 58312% 58313Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink? 58314% 58315Who on earth would eat a charred caterpillar!? 58316No, no, you SINGE 'em! You SINGE 'em and eat 'em! 58317% 58318Who the hell wants to hear actors talk? 58319 -- Harry Warner, Warner Bros. Pictures, c. 1927 58320% 58321Who to himself is law no law doth need, 58322offends no law, and is a king indeed. 58323 -- George Chapman 58324% 58325Who took the MMMMMM out of MURINE? 58326% 58327Who was that masked man? 58328% 58329Who will take care of the world after you're gone? 58330% 58331"WHOA!! Ken and Barbie are having TOO MUCH FUN!! 58332It must be the NEGATIVE IONS!!" 58333 -- Zippy the Pinhead 58334% 58335Whoever dies with the most toys wins. 58336% 58337Whoever fights monsters should see to it that in the process he does not 58338become a monster. And when you look long into an abyss, the abyss also 58339looks into you. 58340 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 58341% 58342Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy. 58343 -- Groucho Marx 58344% 58345Whoever tells a lie cannot be pure in heart -- and only the 58346pure in heart can make a good soup. 58347 -- Ludwig van Beethoven 58348% 58349Whoever would lie usefully should lie seldom. 58350% 58351"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school. 58352 -- George Ade 58353% 58354Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive insane. 58355% 58356Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising. 58357% 58358Whom the mad would destroy, first they make Gods. 58359 -- Bernard Levin 58360% 58361Who's on first? 58362% 58363Who's scruffy-looking? 58364 -- Han Solo 58365% 58366Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people. 58367Why a man would want *two* wives is a bigamystery. 58368% 58369Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard? 58370 -- Paul Simon 58371% 58372Why are programmers non-productive? 58373Because their time is wasted in meetings. 58374 58375Why are programmers rebellious? 58376Because the management interferes too much. 58377 58378Why are the programmers resigning one by one? 58379Because they are burnt out. 58380 58381Having worked for poor management, they no longer value their jobs. 58382 -- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming" 58383% 58384Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like "Amadeus"? I could 58385have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing. 58386 -- Ian Shoales 58387% 58388Why are you so hard to ignore? 58389% 58390Why are you watching 58391The washing machine? 58392I love entertainment 58393So long as it's clean. 58394 58395Professor Doberman: 58396 While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded 58397pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified 58398improvement. Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic 58399experience. As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one 58400must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in 58401fact distract from the unity of the whole. In the final analysis, one 58402receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have 58403been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its 58404meaning. It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be 58405suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive 58406implications. 58407% 58408Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are. 58409 -- Erik Satie 58410% 58411"Why be a man when you can be a success?" 58412 -- Bertolt Brecht 58413% 58414Why be difficult, when, with just a 58415little more effort, you can be impossible? 58416% 58417Why bother building any more nuclear warheads until we use the ones we 58418have? 58419% 58420Why can't you be a non-conformist like everyone else? 58421% 58422Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to 58423avoid responsibility with? 58424% 58425Why did the Roman Empire collapse? What is the Latin for office 58426automation? 58427% 58428Why do mathematicians insist on using words that already have another 58429meaning? "It is the complex case that is easier to deal with." "If it 58430doesn't happen at a corner, but at an edge, it nonetheless happens at a 58431corner." 58432% 58433Why do seagulls live near the sea? 58434'Cause if they lived near the bay, they'd be called baygulls. 58435% 58436Why do so many foods come packaged in plastic? 58437It's quite uncanny. 58438% 58439Why do they call a fast a fast, when it goes so slow? 58440% 58441Why do they call it baby-SITTING when all you do is run after them? 58442% 58443Why do we have two eyes? To watch 3-D movies with. 58444% 58445Why do we want intelligent terminals 58446when there are so many stupid users? 58447% 58448Why does a hearse horse snicker, hauling a lawyer away? 58449 -- Carl Sandburg 58450% 58451Why does a ship carry cargo and a truck carry shipments? 58452% 58453Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently 58454there must be a beverage. 58455 -- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers" 58456% 58457Why does New Jersey have more toxic waste dumps and California have 58458more lawyers? 58459 58460New Jersey had first choice. 58461% 58462Why doesn't everybody leave everybody else the hell alone? 58463 -- Jimmy Durante 58464% 58465Why don't elephants eat penguins ? 58466 58467Because they can't get the wrappers off ... 58468% 58469Why don't somebody print the truth about our present economic condition? 58470We spent years of wild buying on credit, everything under the sun, whether 58471we needed it or not, and now we are having to pay for it, howling like a 58472pet coon. This would be a great world to dance in if we didn't have to 58473pay the fiddler. 58474 -- The Best of Will Rogers 58475% 58476Why don't you fix your little problem... and light this candle? 58477 -- Alan Shepard, the first American into space, Gemini program 58478% 58479Why, every one as they like; as the good woman said when she 58480kissed her cow. 58481 -- Rabelais 58482% 58483Why I Can't Go Out With You: 58484 58485I'd LOVE to, but... 58486 -- I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters. 58487 -- None of my socks match. 58488 -- I'm having all my plants neutered. 58489 -- I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out. 58490 -- My yucca plant is feeling yucky. 58491 -- I'm touring China with a wok band. 58492 -- My chocolate-appreciation class meets that night. 58493 -- I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student 58494 named Basil Metabolism. 58495 -- There are important world issues that need worrying about. 58496 -- I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush. 58497 -- I prefer to remain an enigma. 58498 -- I think you want the OTHER Peggy/Cathy/Mike/whomever. 58499 -- I feel a song coming on. 58500% 58501Why I Can't Go Out With You: 58502 58503I'd LOVE to, but... 58504 -- I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship. 58505 -- I have to sit up with a sick ant. 58506 -- I'm trying to be less popular. 58507 -- My bathroom tiles need grouting. 58508 -- I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner. 58509 -- My subconscious says no. 58510 -- I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I 58511 can't seem to put it down. 58512 -- My favorite commercial is on TV. 58513 -- I have to study for my blood test. 58514 -- I've been traded to Cincinnati. 58515 -- I'm having my baby shoes bronzed. 58516 -- I have to go to court for kitty littering. 58517% 58518Why I Can't Go Out With You: 58519 58520I'd LOVE to, but... 58521 -- I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes. 58522 -- I'm attending the opening of my garage door. 58523 -- The monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots. 58524 -- I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian. 58525 -- I have to fulfill my potential. 58526 -- I don't want to leave my comfort zone. 58527 -- It's too close to the turn of the century. 58528 -- I have to bleach my hare. 58529 -- I'm worried about my vertical hold knob. 58530 -- I left my body in my other clothes. 58531% 58532Why I Can't Go Out With You: 58533 58534I'd LOVE to, but... 58535 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting. 58536 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps. 58537 -- I've been scheduled for a karma transplant. 58538 -- I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture. 58539 -- It's my parakeet's bowling night. 58540 -- I'm building a plant from a kit. 58541 -- There's a disturbance in the Force. 58542 -- I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling. 58543 -- I'm teaching my ferret to yodel. 58544 -- My crayons all melted together. 58545% 58546Why I Can't Go Out With You: 58547 58548I'd LOVE to, but ... 58549 -- I have to floss my cat. 58550 -- I've dedicated my life to linguini. 58551 -- I need to spend more time with my blender. 58552 -- it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. 58553 -- it's my night to pet the dog/ferret/goldfish. 58554 -- I'm going downtown to try on some gloves. 58555 -- I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. 58556 -- I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise. 58557 -- I have an appointment with a cuticle specialist. 58558 -- I have some really hard words to look up. 58559 -- I've got a Friends of the Lowly Rutabaga meeting. 58560 -- I promised to help a friend fold road maps. 58561% 58562Why is it called a funny bone when it hurts so much? 58563% 58564Why is it taking so long for her to bring out all the good in you? 58565% 58566"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is 58567because we are not the person involved" 58568 -- Mark Twain 58569% 58570Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? 58571 -- Steven Wright 58572% 58573"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?" 58574 -- Lily Tomlin 58575% 58576Why isn't there some cheap and easy 58577way to prove how much she means to me? 58578% 58579"Why must you tell me all your secrets when it's hard enough to love 58580you knowing nothing?" 58581 -- Lloyd Cole and the Commotions 58582% 58583Why my thoughts are my own, when they are in, but when they are out they 58584are another's. 58585 -- Susanna Martin, executed for witchcraft, 1681 58586% 58587Why not? -- What? -- Why not? -- Why should I not send it? -- Why should I 58588not dispatch it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I don't know why I shouldn't -- 58589Well, then -- You will do me this favor. -- Why not? -- Why should you not 58590do it? -- Why not? -- Strange! I shall do the same for you, when you want 58591me to. Why not? Why should I not do it for you? Strange! Why not? -- 58592I can't think why not. 58593 -- Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, from a letter to his cousin Maria, 58594 "The Definitive Biography of PDQ Bach", Peter Schickele 58595% 58596Why not go out on a limb? 58597Isn't that where the fruit is? 58598% 58599Why not have an old-fashioned Christmas for your family this year? 58600Just picture the scene in your living room on Christmas morning as your 58601children open their old-fashioned presents. 58602 58603Your 11-year-old son: "What the heck is this?" 58604 58605You: "A spinning top! You spin it around, and then eventually it 58606 falls down. What fun! Ha, ha!" 58607 58608Son: "Is this a joke? Jason Thompson's parents got him a computer 58609 with two disk drives and 128 kilobytes of random-access memory, 58610 and I get this cretin TOP?" 58611 58612Your 8-year-old daughter: "You think that's bad? Look at this." 58613 58614You: "It's figgy pudding! What a treat!" 58615 58616Daughter: "It looks like goat barf." 58617 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" 58618% 58619Why on earth do people buy old bottles of wine when they can get a 58620fresh one for a quarter of the price? 58621% 58622"Why was I born with such contemporaries?" 58623 -- Oscar Wilde 58624% 58625Why, when no honest man will deny in private that every ultimate problem is 58626wrapped in the profoundest mystery, do honest men proclaim in pulpits that 58627unhesitating certainty is the duty of the most foolish and ignorant? Is it 58628not a spectacle to make the angels laugh? We are a company of ignorant 58629beings, feeling our way through mists and darkness, learning only be 58630incessantly repeated blunders, obtaining a glimmering of truth by falling 58631into every conceivable error, dimly discerning light enough for our daily 58632needs, but hopelessly differing whenever we attempt to describe the ultimate 58633origin or end of our paths; and yet, when one of us ventures to declare that 58634we don't know the map of the universe as well as the map of our infinitesimal 58635parish, he is hooted, reviled, and perhaps told that he will be damned to all 58636eternity for his faithlessness. 58637 -- Leslie Stephen, "An Agnostic's Apology", 58638 Fortnightly Review, 1876 58639% 58640Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight? Is it something I said? 58641 -- Tom Ryan 58642% 58643Why would anyone want to be called "Later"? 58644% 58645Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office: 58646 No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee, 58647when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your 58648direction, and almost none will be returned to the source. 58649 -- John L. Shelton 58650% 58651Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail? 58652 -- The Tasmanian Devil 58653% 58654Wiker's Law: 58655 Government expands to absorb all available revenue and then some. 58656% 58657Wilcox's Law: 58658 A pat on the back is only a few 58659 centimeters from a kick in the pants. 58660% 58661Will Rogers never met you. 58662% 58663Will you loan me $20.00 and only give me ten of it? 58664That way, you will owe me ten, and I'll owe you ten, and we'll be even! 58665% 58666Will your long-winded speeches never end? 58667What ails you that you keep on arguing? 58668 -- Job 16:3 58669% 58670Williams and Holland's Law: 58671 If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by 58672statistical methods. 58673% 58674Willie in the cauldron fell; Willie saw some dynamite, 58675See the grief on mother's brow; Couldn't understand it quite; 58676Mother loved her darling well -- Curiosity never pays: 58677Willie's quite hard-boiled by now. It rained Willie seven days. 58678 58679Little Willie with a shout, William in a nice new sash, 58680Gouged the baby's eyeballs out; Fell in the fire and burned to an ash. 58681Stamped on them to make them pop. Now, although the room grows chilly, 58682Mother cried, "Now, William, stop!" I haven't the heart to poke poor Billy. 58683 58684William with a thirst for gore, Little Willie mean as hell, 58685Nailed the baby to the door. Threw his sister in the well! 58686Mother said, with humor quaint: Said his mother when drawing water, 58687"Careful, Will, don't mar the paint." "sure is hard to raise a daughter." 58688 -- Harry Graham, "Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes", 1899 58689% 58690Wilner's Observation: 58691 All conversations with a potato should be conducted in private. 58692% 58693Winning isn't everything. It's the only thing. 58694 -- Vince Lombardi 58695% 58696Winning isn't everything, but losing isn't anything. 58697% 58698Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... 58699If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your 58700head... if you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick... 58701 -- Steven Wright 58702% 58703Winter is nature's way of saying, "Up yours." 58704 -- Robert Byrne 58705% 58706Winter is the season in which people try to keep the house as warm as 58707it was in the summer, when they complained about the heat. 58708% 58709[Wisdom] is a tree of life to those laying 58710hold of her, making happy each one holding her fast. 58711 -- Proverbs 3:18, NSV 58712% 58713Wisdom is knowing what to do with what you know. 58714 -- J. Winter Smith 58715% 58716Wisdom is rarely found on the best-seller list. 58717% 58718Wishing without work is like fishing without bait. 58719 -- Frank Tyger 58720% 58721Wit, n.: 58722 The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery... 58723 by leaving it out. 58724 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 58725% 58726With a gentleman I try to be a gentleman and a half, and with a fraud I 58727try to be a fraud and a half. 58728 -- Otto von Bismarck 58729% 58730With a rubber duck, one's never alone. 58731 -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" 58732% 58733With all the fancy scientists in the world, 58734why can't they just once build a nuclear balm. 58735% 58736With all the talent around, it's sort of 58737amazing that a woman could be up here with us. 58738 -- Ralph Kiner, on introducing an award winner 58739% 58740With clothes the new are best, with friends the old are best. 58741% 58742With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law; and every time 58743they make a law it's a joke. 58744 -- W. Rogers 58745% 58746With every passing hour our solar system comes forty-three thousand 58747miles closer to globular cluster M13 in the constellation Hercules, and 58748still there are some misfits who continue to insist that there is no 58749such thing as progress. 58750 -- Ransom K. Ferm 58751% 58752With her body, woman is more sincere than man; but with her mind 58753she lies. And when she lies, she does not believe herself. 58754 -- Tolstoy 58755% 58756With listening comes wisdom, with speaking repentance. 58757% 58758With reasonable men I will reason; 58759with humane men I will plead; 58760but to tyrants I will give no quarter. 58761 -- William Lloyd Garrison 58762% 58763With the end of the football season, a star player for the college team 58764celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late-night campus 58765party. Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful coed and 58766eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at 58767parties. 58768 "Oh, I have a three point eight, so I'm much more attracted to the 58769strong academic types than to the dumb party animals," she said. "What's 58770your G.P.A.?" 58771 Grinning ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about twenty-five in 58772the city and forty on the highway." 58773% 58774With women, I've got a long bamboo pole with a leather loop on the end of 58775it. I slip the loop around their necks so they can't get away or come too 58776close. Like catching snakes. 58777 -- Marlon Brando 58778% 58779Within a computer, natural language is unnatural. 58780% 58781Within a month [in 1969] I had met the first of a small but not uninfluential 58782community of people who violently opposed SALT for a simple reason: It might 58783keep America from developing a first-strike capability against the Soviet 58784Union. I'll never forget being lectured by an Air Force colonel about how 58785we should have "nuked" the Soviets in late 1940s before they got The Bomb. 58786I was told that if SALT would go away, we'd soon have the capability to nuke 58787them again -- and this time we'd use it. 58788 -- Roger Molander, former nuclear strategist for the 58789 White House's National Security Council, Washington 58790 Post, 21 March, 1982 58791% 58792Without adventure, civilization is in full decay. 58793 -- Alfred North Whitehead 58794% 58795Without coffee he could not work, or at least he could not have worked in the 58796way he did. In addition to paper and pens, he took with him everywhere as an 58797indispensable article of equipment the coffee machine, which was no less 58798important to him than his table or his white robe. 58799 -- Stefan Zweigs, Biography of Balzac 58800% 58801Without fools there would be no wisdom. 58802% 58803Without ice cream life and fame are meaningless. 58804% 58805Without life, Biology itself would be impossible. 58806% 58807Without love intelligence is dangerous; 58808without intelligence love is not enough. 58809 -- Ashley Montagu 58810% 58811With/Without - and who'll deny it's what the fighting's all about? 58812 -- Pink Floyd 58813% 58814Woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer, 58815Yeah, Ah woke up this mornin' an' I had myself a beer 58816The future's uncertain and the end is always near. 58817 -- Jim Morrison, "Roadhouse Blues" 58818% 58819Woke up this morning, don't believe what I saw. Hundred billion 58820bottles washed up on the shore. Seems I never noted being alone. 58821Hundred billion castaways looking for a call. 58822% 58823WOLF: 58824 A man who knows all the ankles. 58825% 58826Woman: "Is Yoo-Hoo hyphenated?" 58827Yogi Berra: "No, ma'am, its not even carbonated." 58828% 58829Woman are like elephants to me: I like to look at them, but I wouldn't 58830want to own one. 58831 -- W. C. Fields 58832% 58833Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them. 58834 -- Dumas 58835% 58836Woman is generally so bad that the difference 58837between a good and a bad woman scarcely exists. 58838 -- Tolstoy 58839% 58840Woman, n.: 58841 An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and 58842 having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication. 58843 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 58844% 58845Woman on Street: Sir, you are drunk; very, very drunk. 58846Winston Churchill: Madame, you are ugly; very, very ugly. 58847 I shall be sober in the morning. 58848% 58849Woman was God's second mistake. 58850 -- Friedrich Nietzsche 58851% 58852Woman was taken out of man -- not out of his head, to rule over him; nor 58853out of his feet, to be trampled under by him; but out of his side, to be 58854equal to him -- under his arm, that he might protect her, and near his heart 58855that he might love her. 58856 -- Henry 58857% 58858Woman would be more charming if one could 58859fall into her arms without falling into her hands. 58860 -- DeGourmont 58861% 58862Woman's advice has little value, but he who won't take it is a fool. 58863 -- Cervantes 58864% 58865Wombat's Laws of Computer Selection: 58866 (1) If it doesn't run Unix, forget it. 58867 (2) Any computer design over 10 years old is obsolete. 58868 (3) Anything made by IBM is junk. (See number 2) 58869 (4) The minimum acceptable CPU power for a single user is a 58870 VAX/780 with a floating point accelerator. 58871 (5) Any computer with a mouse is worthless. 58872 -- Rich Kulawiec 58873% 58874Women are a problem, but if you haven't already guessed, 58875they're the kind of problem I enjoy wrestling with. 58876 -- Warren Beatty 58877% 58878Women are all alike. When they're maids they're mild as milk: 58879once make 'em wives, and they lean their backs against their 58880marriage certificates, and defy you. 58881 -- Jerrold 58882% 58883Women are always anxious to urge bachelors to matrimony; is it 58884from charity, or revenge? 58885 -- Gustave Vapereau 58886% 58887Women are just like men, only different. 58888% 58889Women are like elephants to me: I like to 58890look at them, but I wouldn't want to own one. 58891 -- W. C. Fields 58892% 58893Women are not much, but they are the best other sex we have. 58894 -- Herold 58895% 58896Women are nothing but machines for producing children. 58897 -- Napoleon 58898% 58899Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more. 58900 -- Stephens 58901% 58902Women aren't as mere as they used to be. 58903 -- Pogo 58904% 58905Women can keep a secret just as well as men, 58906but it takes more of them to do it. 58907% 58908Women complain about sex more than men. Their gripes fall into two 58909categories: (1) Not enough and (2) Too much. 58910 -- Ann Landers 58911% 58912Women, deceived by men, want to marry them; it is a kind of revenge 58913as good as any other. 58914 -- Philippe De Remi 58915% 58916Women give themselves to God when the 58917Devil wants nothing more to do with them. 58918 -- Arnould 58919% 58920Women give to men the very gold of their lives. Possibly; 58921but they invariably want it back in such very small change. 58922 -- Wilde 58923% 58924Women in love consist of a little sighing, a little 58925crying, a little dying -- and a good deal of lying. 58926 -- Ansey 58927% 58928Women of genius commonly have masculine faces, figures and manners. 58929In transplanting brains to an alien soil God leaves a little of the 58930original earth clinging to the roots. 58931 -- Ambrose Bierce 58932% 58933Women reason with the heart and are much less often wrong 58934than men who reason with the head. 58935 -- DeLescure 58936% 58937Women sometimes forgive a man who forces the opportunity, 58938but never a man who misses one. 58939 -- Charles De Talleyrand-Perigord 58940% 58941Women treat us just as humanity treats its gods. They worship 58942us and are always bothering us to do something for them. 58943 -- Wilde 58944% 58945Women want their men to be cops. They want you to punish them and tell 58946them what the limits are. The only thing that women hate worse from a man 58947than being slapped is when you get on your knees and say you're sorry. 58948 -- Mort Sahl 58949% 58950Women waste men's lives and think they have 58951indemnified them by a few gracious words. 58952 -- Honore de Balzac 58953% 58954Women, when they are not in love, have all 58955the cold blood of an experienced attorney. 58956 -- Honore de Balzac 58957% 58958Women, when they have made a sheep of a man, 58959always tell him that he is a lion with a will of iron. 58960 -- Honore de Balzac 58961% 58962Women who desire to be like men, lack ambition. 58963% 58964Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination. 58965% 58966Women wish to be loved without a why or a wherefore; 58967not because they are pretty, or good, or well-bred, or 58968graceful, or intelligent, but because they are themselves. 58969 -- Amiel 58970% 58971Women's virtue is man's greatest invention. 58972 -- Cornelia Otis Skinner 58973% 58974Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher, 58975and philosophy begins in wonder. 58976 Socrates, quoting Plato 58977% 58978Wonderful day. 58979Your hangover just makes it seem terrible. 58980% 58981Wood is highly ecological, since trees are a renewable resource. If 58982you cut down a tree, another will grow in its place. And if you cut 58983down the new tree, still another will grow. And if you cut down that 58984tree, yet another will grow, only this one will be a mutation with 58985long, poisonous tentacles and revenge in its heart, and it will sit 58986there in the forest, cackling and making elaborate plans for when you 58987come back. 58988 58989Wood heat is not new. It dates back to a day millions of years ago, 58990when a group of cavemen were sitting around, watching dinosaurs rot. 58991Suddenly, lightning struck a nearby log and set it on fire. One of the 58992cavemen stared at the fire for a few minutes, then said: "Hey! Wood 58993heat!" The other cavemen, who did not understand English, immediately 58994beat him to death with stones. But the key discovery had been made, 58995and from that day forward, the cavemen had all the heat they needed, 58996although their insurance rates went way up. 58997 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 58998% 58999Woodward's Law: 59000 A theory is better than its explanation. 59001% 59002Woody: What's the story, Mr. Peterson? 59003Norm: The Bobbsey twins go to the brewery. 59004 Let's just cut to the happy ending. 59005 -- Cheers, Airport V 59006 59007Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, there's a cold one waiting for you. 59008Norm: I know, and if she calls, I'm not here. 59009 -- Cheers, Bar Wars II: The Woodman Strikes Back 59010 59011Sam: Beer, Norm? 59012Norm: Have I gotten that predictable? Good. 59013 -- Cheers, Don't Paint Your Chickens 59014% 59015Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, Jack Frost nipping at your nose? 59016Norm: Yep, now let's get Joe Beer nipping at my liver, huh? 59017 -- Cheers, Feeble Attraction 59018 59019Sam: What are you up to Norm? 59020Norm: My ideal weight if I were eleven feet tall. 59021 -- Cheers, Bar Wars III: The Return of Tecumseh 59022 59023Woody: Nice cold beer coming up, Mr. Peterson. 59024Norm: You mean, `Nice cold beer going *down* Mr. Peterson.' 59025 -- Cheers, Loverboyd 59026% 59027Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what do you say to a cold one? 59028Norm: See you later, Vera, I'll be at Cheers. 59029 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah 59030 59031Sam: Well, look at you. You look like the cat that 59032 swallowed the canary. 59033Norm: And I need a beer to wash him down. 59034 -- Cheers, Norm's Last Hurrah 59035 59036Woody: Would you like a beer, Mr. Peterson? 59037Norm: No, I'd like a dead cat in a glass. 59038 -- Cheers, Little Carla, Happy at Last, Part 2 59039% 59040Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's up? 59041Norm: The warranty on my liver. 59042 -- Cheers, Breaking In Is Hard to Do 59043 59044Sam: What can I do for you, Norm? 59045Norm: Open up those beer taps and, oh, take the day off, Sam. 59046 -- Cheers, Veggie-Boyd 59047 59048Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? 59049Norm: Another layer for the winter, Wood. 59050 -- Cheers, It's a Wonderful Wife 59051% 59052Woody: How are you feeling today, Mr. Peterson? 59053Norm: Poor. 59054Woody: Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. 59055Norm: No, I meant `pour'. 59056 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 3 59057 59058Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, what's the story? 59059Norm: Boy meets beer. Boy drinks beer. Boy gets another beer. 59060 -- Cheers, The Proposal 59061 59062Paul: Hey Norm, how's the world been treating you? 59063Norm: Like a baby treats a diaper. 59064 -- Cheers, Tan 'n Wash 59065% 59066Woody: What's going on, Mr. Peterson? 59067Norm: Let's talk about what's going *in* Mr. Peterson. A beer, Woody. 59068 -- Cheers, Paint Your Office 59069 59070Sam: How's life treating you? 59071Norm: It's not, Sammy, but that doesn't mean you can't. 59072 -- Cheers, A Kiss is Still a Kiss 59073 59074Woody: Can I pour you a draft, Mr. Peterson? 59075Norm: A little early, isn't it Woody? 59076Woody: For a beer? 59077Norm: No, for stupid questions. 59078 -- Cheers, Let Sleeping Drakes Lie 59079% 59080Woody: What's happening, Mr. Peterson? 59081Norm: The question is, Woody, why is it happening to me? 59082 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 1 59083 59084Woody: What's going down, Mr. Peterson? 59085Norm: My cheeks on this barstool. 59086 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2 59087 59088Woody: Hey, Mr. Peterson, can I pour you a beer? 59089Norm: Well, okay, Woody, but be sure to stop me at one. ... 59090 Eh, make that one-thirty. 59091 -- Cheers, Strange Bedfellows, Part 2 59092% 59093Woolsey-Swanson Rule: 59094 People would rather live with a problem they cannot 59095 solve rather than accept a solution they cannot understand. 59096% 59097Words are the voice of the heart. 59098% 59099Words can never express what words can never express. 59100% 59101Words have a longer life than deeds. 59102 -- Pindar 59103% 59104Words must be weighed, not counted. 59105% 59106WORK: 59107 The blessed respite from screaming kids and 59108 soap operas for which you actually get paid. 59109% 59110Work consists of whatever a body is obliged to do. 59111Play consists of whatever a body is not obliged to do. 59112 -- Mark Twain 59113% 59114Work continues in this area. 59115 -- DEC's SPR-Answering-Automaton 59116% 59117Work expands to fill the time available. 59118 -- Cyril Northcote Parkinson, "The Economist", 1955 59119% 59120Work is of two kinds: first, altering the position of matter at or near 59121the earth's surface relative to other matter; second, telling other people 59122to do so. 59123 -- Bertrand Russell 59124% 59125Work is the crab grass in the lawn of life. 59126 -- Schulz 59127% 59128Work is the curse of the drinking classes. 59129 -- Mike Romanoff 59130% 59131Work like hell, tell everyone everything you know, close a deal with 59132a handshake, and have fun. 59133 -- Harold "Doc" Edgerton, summing up his life's philosophy, 59134 shortly before dying at the age of 86. 59135% 59136Work Rule: Leave of Absence (for an Operation): 59137 We are no longer allowing this practice. We wish to discourage 59138any thoughts that you may not need all of whatever you have, and you 59139should not consider having anything removed. We hired you as you are, 59140and to have anything removed would certainly make you less than we 59141bargained for. 59142% 59143Work smarter, not harder, and be careful of your speling. 59144% 59145Work without a vision is slavery, 59146Vision without work is a pipe dream, 59147But vision with work is the hope of the world. 59148% 59149Workers of the world, arise! You have nothing to lose but your chairs. 59150% 59151Working with Julie Andrews is like getting hit over the head with 59152a valentine. 59153 -- Christopher Plummer 59154% 59155World tensions have, if anything, increased in the quarter century 59156since H. G. Wells uttered his glum warning: "There is no more evil 59157thing on earth than race prejudice, none at all. I write deliberately 59158-- it is the worst single thing in life now. It justifies and holds 59159together more baseness, cruelty and abomination than any other sort of 59160error in the world." 59161 -- Sydney Harris 59162% 59163World War Three can be averted by adherence to a strictly enforced 59164dress code! 59165% 59166Worrying is like rocking in a rocking chair-- 59167It gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere. 59168% 59169Worst Month of 1981 for Downhill Skiing: 59170 August. The lift lines are the shortest, though. 59171 -- Steve Rubenstein 59172% 59173Worst Month of the Year: 59174 February. February has only 28 days in it, which means that if 59175you rent an apartment, you are paying for three full days you don't 59176get. Try to avoid Februarys whenever possible. 59177 -- Steve Rubenstein 59178% 59179Worst Response To A Crisis, 1985: 59180 From a readers' Q and A column in TV GUIDE: "If we get involved 59181in a nuclear war, would the electromagnetic pulses from exploding bombs 59182damage my videotapes?" 59183% 59184Worst Vegetable of the Year: 59185 Brussel sprout. This is also the worst vegetable of next year. 59186 -- Steve Rubenstein 59187% 59188Worth seeing? 59189Yes, but not worth going to see. 59190% 59191Worthless. 59192 -- Sir George Bidell Airy, KCB, MA, LLD, DCL, FRS, FRAS 59193 (Astronomer Royal of Great Britain), estimating for the 59194 Chancellor of the Exchequer the potential value of the 59195 "analytical engine" invented by Charles Babbage, September 59196 15, 1842. 59197% 59198Would it help if I got out and pushed? 59199 -- Princess Leia Organa 59200% 59201Would that my hand were as swift as my tongue. 59202 -- Alfieri 59203% 59204Would the last person to leave Michigan please turn out the lights? 59205% 59206Would ye both eat your cake and have your cake? 59207 -- John Heywood 59208% 59209Would you care to drift aimlessly in my direction? 59210% 59211Would you care to view the ruins of my good intentions? 59212% 59213Would you like to be tried in court by people 59214who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty? 59215% 59216Would you people stop playing these stupid games?!?!?!!!! 59217% 59218Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight? 59219 -- George Carlin 59220% 59221"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?" 59222 59223"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat. 59224 -- Lewis Carroll 59225% 59226Wouldn't the sentence "I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish 59227and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign" have been clearer 59228if quotation marks had been placed before Fish, and between Fish and 59229and, and and and And, and And and and, and and and And, and And and 59230and, and and and Chips, as well as after Chips? 59231% 59232Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were 59233a turn-on? 59234 -- "Broadcast News" 59235% 59236Wrinkles should merely indicate where smiles have been. 59237 -- Mark Twain 59238% 59239Write a wise saying and your name will live forever. 59240 -- Anonymous 59241% 59242Write yourself a threatening letter and pen a defiant reply. 59243% 59244Write-Protect Tab, n.: 59245 A small sticker created to cover the unsightly notch carelessly 59246left by disk manufacturers. The use of the tab creates an error 59247message once in a while, but its aesthetic value far outweighs the 59248momentary inconvenience. 59249 -- Robb Russon 59250% 59251Writers who use a computer swear to its liberating power in tones that bear 59252witness to the apocalyptic power of a new divinity. Their conviction results 59253from something deeper than mere gratitude for the computer's conveniences. 59254Every new medium of writing brings about new intensities of religious belief 59255and new schisms among believers. In the 16th century the printed book helped 59256make possible the split between Catholics and Protestants. In the 20th 59257century this history of tragedy and triumph is repeating itself as a farce. 59258Those who worship the Apple computer and those who put their faith in the IBM 59259PC are equally convinced that the other camp is damned or deluded. Each cult 59260holds in contempt the rituals and the laws of the other. Each thinks that it 59261is itself the one hope for salvation. 59262 -- Edward Mendelson, "The New Republic", February 22, 1988 59263% 59264Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. 59265 -- Frank Zappa 59266% 59267Writing free verse is like playing tennis with the net down. 59268% 59269Writing is easy; all you do is sit staring at the blank sheet of 59270paper until drops of blood form on your forehead. 59271 -- Gene Fowler 59272% 59273Writing is turning one's worst moments into money. 59274 -- J. P. Donleavy 59275% 59276Writing software is more fun than working. 59277% 59278WRONG! 59279% 59280"Wrong," said Renner. 59281 59282"The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with 59283the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'" 59284% 59285WYSIWYG: 59286 What You See Is What You Get. 59287% 59288X windows: 59289 Accept any substitute. 59290 If it's broke, don't fix it. 59291 If it ain't broke, fix it. 59292 Form follows malfunction. 59293 The Cutting Edge of Obsolescence. 59294 The trailing edge of software technology. 59295 Armageddon never looked so good. 59296 Japan's secret weapon. 59297 You'll envy the dead. 59298 Making the world safe for competing window systems. 59299 Let it get in YOUR way. 59300 The problem for your problem. 59301 If it starts working, we'll fix it. Pronto. 59302 It could be worse, but it'll take time. 59303 Simplicity made complex. 59304 The greatest productivity aid since typhoid. 59305 Flakey and built to stay that way. 59306 59307One thousand monkeys. One thousand MicroVAXes. One thousand years. 59308 X windows. 59309% 59310X windows: 59311 It's not how slow you make it. It's how you make it slow. 59312 The windowing system preferred by masochists 3 to 1. 59313 Built to take on the world... and lose! 59314 Don't try it 'til you've knocked it. 59315 Power tools for Power Fools. 59316 Putting new limits on productivity. 59317 The closer you look, the cruftier we look. 59318 Design by counterexample. 59319 A new level of software disintegration. 59320 No hardware is safe. 59321 Do your time. 59322 Rationalization, not realization. 59323 Old-world software cruftsmanship at its finest. 59324 Gratuitous incompatibility. 59325 Your mother. 59326 THE user interference management system. 59327 You can't argue with failure. 59328 You haven't died 'til you've used it. 59329 59330The environment of today... tomorrow! 59331 X windows. 59332% 59333X windows: 59334 Something you can be ashamed of. 59335 30%% more entropy than the leading window system. 59336 The first fully modular software disaster. 59337 Rome was destroyed in a day. 59338 Warn your friends about it. 59339 Climbing to new depths. Sinking to new heights. 59340 An accident that couldn't wait to happen. 59341 Don't wait for the movie. 59342 Never use it after a big meal. 59343 Need we say less? 59344 Plumbing the depths of human incompetence. 59345 It'll make your day. 59346 Don't get frustrated without it. 59347 Power tools for power losers. 59348 A software disaster of Biblical proportions. 59349 Never had it. Never will. 59350 The software with no visible means of support. 59351 More than just a generation behind. 59352 59353Hindenburg. Titanic. Edsel. 59354 X windows. 59355% 59356X windows: 59357 The ultimate bottleneck. 59358 Flawed beyond belief. 59359 The only thing you have to fear. 59360 Somewhere between chaos and insanity. 59361 On autopilot to oblivion. 59362 The joke that kills. 59363 A disgrace you can be proud of. 59364 A mistake carried out to perfection. 59365 Belongs more to the problem set than the solution set. 59366 To err is X windows. 59367 Ignorance is our most important resource. 59368 Complex nonsolutions to simple nonproblems. 59369 Built to fall apart. 59370 Nullifying centuries of progress. 59371 Falling to new depths of inefficiency. 59372 The last thing you need. 59373 The defacto substandard. 59374 59375Elevating brain damage to an art form. 59376 X windows. 59377% 59378X windows: 59379 We will dump no core before its time. 59380 One good crash deserves another. 59381 A bad idea whose time has come. And gone. 59382 We make excuses. 59383 It didn't even look good on paper. 59384 You laugh now, but you'll be laughing harder later! 59385 A new concept in abuser interfaces. 59386 How can something get so bad, so quickly? 59387 It could happen to you. 59388 The art of incompetence. 59389 You have nothing to lose but your lunch. 59390 When uselessness just isn't enough. 59391 More than a mere hindrance. It's a whole new barrier! 59392 When you can't afford to be right. 59393 And you thought we couldn't make it worse. 59394 59395If it works, it isn't X windows. 59396% 59397X windows: 59398 You'd better sit down. 59399 Don't laugh. It could be YOUR thesis project. 59400 Why do it right when you can do it wrong? 59401 Live the nightmare. 59402 Our bugs run faster. 59403 When it absolutely, positively HAS to crash overnight. 59404 There ARE no rules. 59405 You'll wish we were kidding. 59406 Everything you never wanted in a window system. And more. 59407 Dissatisfaction guaranteed. 59408 There's got to be a better way. 59409 The next best thing to keypunching. 59410 Leave the thrashing to us. 59411 We wrote the book on core dumps. 59412 Even your dog won't like it. 59413 More than enough rope. 59414 Garbage at your fingertips. 59415 59416Incompatibility. Shoddiness. Uselessness. 59417 X windows. 59418% 59419Xerox does it again and again and again and ... 59420% 59421Xerox never comes up with anything original. 59422% 59423XI: 59424 If the Earth could be made to rotate twice as fast, managers would 59425 get twice as much done. If the Earth could be made to rotate twenty 59426 times as fast, everyone else would get twice as much done since all 59427 the managers would fly off. 59428XII: 59429 It costs a lot to build bad products. 59430XIII: 59431 There are many highly successful businesses in the United States. 59432 There are also many highly paid executives. The policy is not to 59433 intermingle the two. 59434XIV: 59435 After the year 2015, there will be no airplane crashes. There will 59436 be no takeoffs either, because electronics will occupy 100 percent 59437 of every airplane's weight. 59438XV: 59439 The last 10 percent of performance generates one-third of the cost 59440 and two-thirds of the problems. 59441 -- Norman Augustine 59442% 59443XIIdigitation, n.: 59444 The practice of trying to determine the year a movie was made 59445 by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits. 59446 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 59447% 59448XLI: 59449 The more one produces, the less one gets. 59450XLII: 59451 Simple systems are not feasible because they require infinite testing. 59452XLIII: 59453 Hardware works best when it matters the least. 59454XLIV: 59455 Aircraft flight in the 21st century will always be in a westerly 59456 direction, preferably supersonic, crossing time zones to provide the 59457 additional hours needed to fix the broken electronics. 59458XLV: 59459 One should expect that the expected can be prevented, but the 59460 unexpected should have been expected. 59461XLVI: 59462 A billion saved is a billion earned. 59463 -- Norman Augustine 59464% 59465XLVII: 59466 Two-thirds of the Earth's surface is covered with water. The other 59467 third is covered with auditors from headquarters. 59468XLVIII: 59469 The more time you spend talking about what you have been doing, the 59470 less time you have to spend doing what you have been talking about. 59471 Eventually, you spend more and more time talking about less and less 59472 until finally you spend all your time talking about nothing. 59473XLIX: 59474 Regulations grow at the same rate as weeds. 59475L: 59476 The average regulation has a life span one-fifth as long as a 59477 chimpanzee's and one-tenth as long as a human's -- but four times 59478 as long as the official's who created it. 59479LI: 59480 By the time of the United States Tricentennial, there will be more 59481 government workers than there are workers. 59482LII: 59483 People working in the private sector should try to save money. 59484 There remains the possibility that it may someday be valuable again. 59485 -- Norman Augustine 59486% 59487X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the 59488imagination is the plot. 59489% 59490XVI: 59491 In the year 2054, the entire defense budget will purchase just one 59492 aircraft. This aircraft will have to be shared by the Air Force and 59493 Navy 3-1/2 days each per week except for leap year, when it will be 59494 made available to the Marines for the extra day. 59495XVII: 59496 Software is like entropy. It is difficult to grasp, weighs nothing, 59497 and obeys the Second Law of Thermodynamics, i.e., it always increases. 59498XVIII: 59499 It is very expensive to achieve high unreliability. It is not uncommon 59500 to increase the cost of an item by a factor of ten for each factor of 59501 ten degradation accomplished. 59502XIX: 59503 Although most products will soon be too costly to purchase, there will 59504 be a thriving market in the sale of books on how to fix them. 59505XX: 59506 In any given year, Congress will appropriate the amount of funding 59507 approved the prior year plus three-fourths of whatever change the 59508 administration requests -- minus 4-percent tax. 59509 -- Norman Augustine 59510% 59511XXI: 59512 It's easy to get a loan unless you need it. 59513XXII: 59514 If stock market experts were so expert, they would be buying stock, 59515 not selling advice. 59516XXIII: 59517 Any task can be completed in only one-third more time than is 59518 currently estimated. 59519XXIV: 59520 The only thing more costly than stretching the schedule of an 59521 established project is accelerating it, which is itself the most 59522 costly action known to man. 59523XXV: 59524 A revised schedule is to business what a new season is to an athlete 59525 or a new canvas to an artist. 59526 -- Norman Augustine 59527% 59528XXVI: 59529 If a sufficient number of management layers are superimposed on each 59530 other, it can be assured that disaster is not left to chance. 59531XXVII: 59532 Rank does not intimidate hardware. Neither does the lack of rank. 59533XXVIII: 59534 It is better to be the reorganizer than the reorganizee. 59535XXIX: 59536 Executives who do not produce successful results hold on to their 59537 jobs only about five years. Those who produce effective results 59538 hang on about half a decade. 59539XXX: 59540 By the time the people asking the questions are ready for the answers, 59541 the people doing the work have lost track of the questions. 59542 -- Norman Augustine 59543% 59544XXXI: 59545 The optimum committee has no members. 59546XXXII: 59547 Hiring consultants to conduct studies can be an excellent means of 59548 turning problems into gold -- your problems into their gold. 59549XXXIII: 59550 Fools rush in where incumbents fear to tread. 59551XXXIV: 59552 The process of competitively selecting contractors to perform work 59553 is based on a system of rewards and penalties, all distributed 59554 randomly. 59555XXXV: 59556 The weaker the data available upon which to base one's conclusion, 59557 the greater the precision which should be quoted in order to give 59558 the data authenticity. 59559 -- Norman Augustine 59560% 59561XXXVI: 59562 The thickness of the proposal required to win a multimillion dollar 59563 contract is about one millimeter per million dollars. If all the 59564 proposals conforming to this standard were piled on top of each other 59565 at the bottom of the Grand Canyon it would probably be a good idea. 59566XXXVII: 59567 Ninety percent of the time things will turn out worse than you expect. 59568 The other 10 percent of the time you had no right to expect so much. 59569XXXVIII: 59570 The early bird gets the worm. 59571 The early worm ... gets eaten. 59572XXXIX: 59573 Never promise to complete any project within six months of the end of 59574 the year -- in either direction. 59575XL: 59576 Most projects start out slowly -- and then sort of taper off. 59577 -- Norman Augustine 59578% 59579Ya know, Quaker Oats make you feel good twice! 59580% 59581"Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have 59582goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in 59583their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating 59584unwillingness to learn how to do things my way has usually led to my 59585doing things their way; most of the time, they have been right. 59586 -- Stephen C. Johnson, "Yacc guide acknowledgements" 59587% 59588Y'all hear about the geometer who went to the beach to catch some 59589rays and became a tangent ? 59590% 59591Yawd [noun, Bostonese]: the campus of Have Id. 59592 -- Webster's Unafraid Dictionary 59593% 59594Yea from the table of my memory 59595I'll wipe away all trivial fond records. 59596 -- Hamlet 59597% 59598Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of APL, I shall 59599fear no evil, for I can string six primitive monadic and dyadic 59600operators together. 59601 -- Steve Higgins 59602% 59603Yeah, but you're taking the universe out of context. 59604% 59605Yeah, God is dead, he laughed himself to death. 59606% 59607Yeah, if it looks like a duck, and walks like 59608a duck, and quacks like a duck -- shoot it. 59609% 59610Yeah, that's me, Tracer Bullet. I've got eight slugs in me. One's lead, 59611the rest bourbon. The drink packs a wallop, and I pack a revolver. I'm 59612a private eye. 59613 -- Calvin 59614% 59615Yeah, there are more important things in life than money, 59616but they won't go out with you if you don't have any. 59617% 59618Year Name James Bond Book 59619---- -------------------------------- -------------- ---- 5962050's James Bond TV Series Barry Nelson 596211962 Dr. No Sean Connery 1958 596221963 From Russia With Love Sean Connery 1957 596231964 Goldfinger Sean Connery 1959 596241965 Thunderball Sean Connery 1961 596251967* Casino Royale David Niven 1954 596261967 You Only Live Twice Sean Connery 1964 596271969 On Her Majesty's Secret Service George Lazenby 1963 596281971 Diamonds Are Forever Sean Connery 1956 596291973 Live And Let Die Roger Moore 1955 596301974 The Man With The Golden Gun Roger Moore 1965 596311977 The Spy Who Loved Me Roger Moore 1962 (novelette) 596321979 Moonraker Roger Moore 1955 596331981 For Your Eyes Only Roger Moore 1960 (novelette) 596341983 Octopussy Roger Moore 1965 596351983* Never Say Never Again Sean Connery 596361985 A View To A Kill Roger Moore 1960 (novelette) 596371987 The Living Daylights Timothy Dalton 1965 (novelette) 59638 * -- Not a Broccoli production 59639% 59640Year, n.: 59641 A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments. 59642 -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary" 59643% 59644Yes, but every time I try to see things your way, I get a headache. 59645% 59646Yes, but which self do you want to be? 59647% 59648Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those 59649L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l. 59650 -- Rita Rudner 59651% 59652Yes me, I got a bottle in front of me. 59653And Jimmy has a frontal lobotomy. 59654Just different ways to kill the pain the same. 59655But I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, 59656Than to have to have a frontal lobotomy. 59657I might be drunk but at least I'm not insane. 59658 -- Randy Ansley M.D. (Dr. Rock) 59659% 59660Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars and, Pluto, but not necessarily in 59661that order. 59662 -- George Michaelson 59663% 59664Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog. Tomorrow I'll probably still 59665be a dog. Sigh! There's so little hope for advancement. 59666 -- Snoopy 59667% 59668Yesterday upon the stair 59669I met a man who wasn't there. 59670He wasn't there again today -- 59671I think he's from the CIA. 59672% 59673Ye've also got to remember that ... respectable people do the most 59674astonishin' things to preserve their respectability. Thank God 59675I'm not respectable. 59676 -- Ruthven Campbell Todd 59677% 59678Yevtushenko has... an ego that can crack crystal at a distance of twenty 59679feet. 59680 -- John Cheever 59681% 59682Yield to Temptation ... it may not pass your way again. 59683 -- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love" 59684% 59685Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way again. 59686% 59687Yinkel, n.: 59688 A person who combs his hair over his bald spot, hoping no one 59689will notice. 59690 -- Rich Hall, "Sniglets" 59691% 59692You ain't learning nothing when you're talking. 59693% 59694You always have the option of pitching baseballs at empty 59695spray paint cans in a cul-de-sac in a Cleveland suburb. 59696% 59697You are a bundle of energy, always on the go. 59698% 59699You are a fluke of the universe; you have no right to be here. 59700% 59701You are a taxi driver. Your cab is yellow and black, and has been in 59702use for only seven years. One of its windshield wipers is broken, and 59703the carburetor needs adjusting. The tank holds 20 gallons, but at the 59704moment is only three-quarters full. How old is the taxi driver?" 59705% 59706You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are. 59707% 59708You are a wish to be here wishing yourself. 59709 -- Philip Whalen 59710% 59711You are absolute plate-glass. I see to the very back of your mind. 59712 -- Sherlock Holmes 59713% 59714You are always busy. 59715% 59716You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk. 59717% 59718You are an insult to my intelligence! 59719I demand that you log off immediately. 59720% 59721You are as I am with You. 59722% 59723You are capable of planning your future. 59724% 59725You are confused; but this is your normal state. 59726% 59727You are deeply attached to your friends and acquaintances. 59728% 59729You are destined to become the commandant of the 59730fighting men of the department of transportation. 59731% 59732You are dishonest, but never to the point of hurting a friend. 59733% 59734You are fairminded, just and loving. 59735% 59736You are false data. 59737% 59738You are farsighted, a good planner, 59739an ardent lover, and a faithful friend. 59740% 59741You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way. 59742% 59743You are going to have a new love affair. 59744% 59745You are here: 59746 *** 59747 *** 59748 ********* 59749 ******* 59750 ***** 59751 *** 59752 * 59753 59754 But you're not all there. 59755% 59756You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all alike. 59757% 59758You are in a maze of little twisting passages, all different. 59759% 59760You are in the hall of the mountain king. 59761% 59762You are lost in the Swamps of Despair. 59763% 59764You are loved by the multitudes. 59765Have you been to the clinic lately? 59766% 59767You are magnetic in your bearing. 59768% 59769You are never given a wish without also being given the 59770power to make it true. You may have to work for it, however. 59771 -- R. Bach, "Messiah's Handbook : Reminders for 59772 the Advanced Soul" 59773% 59774You are not a fool just because you have done 59775something foolish -- only if the folly of it escapes you. 59776% 59777You are not dead yet. 59778But watch for further reports. 59779% 59780You are not permitted to kill a woman who has wronged you, but nothing 59781forbids you to reflect that she is growing older every minute. You are 59782avenged fourteen hundred and forty times a day. 59783 -- Ambrose Bierce 59784% 59785You are now in Atlanta, Georgia. 59786Please set your clocks back 200 years. 59787% 59788You are number 6! Who is number one? 59789% 59790"You are old, Father William," the young man said, 59791 "All your papers these days look the same; 59792Those William's would be better unread -- 59793 Do these facts never fill you with shame?" 59794 59795"In my youth," Father William replied to his son, 59796 "I wrote wonderful papers galore; 59797But the great reputation I found that I'd won, 59798 Made it pointless to think any more." 59799% 59800"You are old, father William," the young man said, 59801 "And your hair has become very white; 59802And yet you incessantly stand on your head -- 59803 Do you think, at your age, it is right?" 59804 59805"In my youth," father William replied to his son, 59806 "I feared it might injure the brain; 59807But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none, 59808 Why, I do it again and again." 59809 -- Lewis Carroll 59810% 59811"You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers 59812 That your lectures bore people to death. 59813Yet you talk at one hundred conventions per year -- 59814 Don't you think that you should save your breath?" 59815 59816"I have answered three questions and that is enough," 59817 Said his father, "Don't give yourself airs! 59818Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? 59819 Be off, or I'll kick you downstairs!" 59820% 59821"You are old," said the youth, "and your jaws are too weak 59822 For anything tougher than suet; 59823Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak -- 59824 Pray, how did you manage to do it?" 59825 59826"In my youth," said his father, "I took to the law, 59827 And argued each case with my wife; 59828And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw, 59829 Has lasted the rest of my life." 59830 -- Lewis Carroll 59831% 59832"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run, 59833 And there isn't one language you like; 59834Yet of useful suggestions for help you have none -- 59835 Have you thought about taking a hike?" 59836 59837"Since I never write programs," his father replied, 59838 "Every language looks equally bad; 59839Yet the people keep paying to read all my books 59840 And don't realize that they've been had." 59841% 59842"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, 59843 And have grown most uncommonly fat; 59844Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door -- 59845 Pray what is the reason of that?" 59846 59847"In my youth," said the sage, as he shook his grey locks, 59848 "I kept all my limbs very supple 59849By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box -- 59850 Allow me to sell you a couple?" 59851 -- Lewis Carroll 59852% 59853"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before, 59854 And make errors few people could bear; 59855You complain about everyone's English but yours -- 59856 Do you really think this is quite fair?" 59857 59858"I make lots of mistakes," Father William declared, 59859 "But my stature these days is so great 59860That no critic can hurt me -- I've got them all scared, 59861 And to stop me it's now far too late." 59862% 59863"You are old," said the youth, "one would hardly suppose 59864 That your eye was as steady as ever; 59865Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose -- 59866 What made you so awfully clever?" 59867 59868"I have answered three questions, and that is enough," 59869 Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs! 59870Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff? 59871 Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!" 59872 -- Lewis Carroll 59873% 59874You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely. 59875% 59876You are scrupulously honest, frank, and straightforward. 59877Therefore you have few friends. 59878% 59879You are sick, twisted and perverted. 59880I like that in a person. 59881% 59882You are so boring that when I see you my feet go to sleep. 59883% 59884"You are *so* lovely." 59885"Yes." 59886"Yes! And you take a compliment, too! I like that in a goddess." 59887% 59888You are standing on my toes. 59889% 59890You are taking yourself far too seriously. 59891% 59892You are the only person to ever get this message. 59893% 59894You are transported to a room where you are faced by a wizard who 59895points to you and says, "Them's fighting words!" You immediately get 59896attacked by all sorts of denizens of the museum: there is a cobra 59897chewing on your leg, a troglodyte is bashing your brains out with a 59898gold nugget, a crocodile is removing large chunks of flesh from you, a 59899rhinoceros is goring you with his horn, a sabre-tooth cat is busy 59900trying to disembowel you, you are being trampled by a large mammoth, a 59901vampire is sucking you dry, a Tyrannosaurus Rex is sinking his six inch 59902long fangs into various parts of your anatomy, a large bear is 59903dismembering your body, a gargoyle is bouncing up and down on your 59904head, a burly troll is tearing you limb from limb, several dire wolves 59905are making mince meat out of your torso, and the wizard is about to 59906transport you to the corner of Westwood and Broxton. Oh dear, you seem 59907to have gotten yourself killed, as well. 59908 59909You scored 0 out of 250 possible points. 59910That gives you a ranking of junior beginning adventurer. 59911To achieve the next higher rating, you need to score 32 more points. 59912% 59913You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading 59914this sort of trash. 59915% 59916You ask what a nice girl will do? 59917She won't give an inch, but she won't say no. 59918 -- Marcus Valerius Martialis 59919% 59920You attempt things that you do not even plan 59921because of your extreme stupidity. 59922% 59923You auto buy now. 59924% 59925"You boys lookin' for trouble?" 59926"Sure. Whaddya got?" 59927 -- Marlon Brando, "The Wild Ones" 59928% 59929You buttered your bread, now lie in it! 59930% 59931You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard. A justice of the 59932peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill. In the 59933municipal courts, he will cost you ten. In the circuit or superior 59934courts, he wants fifteen. The state appellate courts or the state 59935supreme court is on a par with the Federal courts. By the time a judge 59936reaches such courts, he is middle-aged, thick around the middle, fat 59937between the ears. He's heavy. You can't buy a Federal judge for less 59938than a twenty-dollar bill. 59939 -- Jake "Greasy Thumb" Guzik 59940% 59941You can always pick up your needle and move to another groove. 59942 -- Tim Leary 59943% 59944You can always tell luck from ability by its duration. 59945% 59946You can always tell the Christmas season is here when you start getting 59947incredibly dense, tinfoil-and-ribbon- wrapped lumps in the mail. 59948Fruitcakes make ideal gifts because the Postal Service has been unable 59949to find a way to damage them. They last forever, largely because 59950nobody ever eats them. In fact, many smart people save the fruitcakes 59951they receive and send them back to the original givers the next year; 59952some fruitcakes have been passed back and forth for hundreds of years. 59953 59954The easiest way to make a fruitcake is to buy a darkish cake, then 59955pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear 59956safety glasses. 59957 -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts" 59958% 59959You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier. 59960They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs. 59961% 59962You can approach truth, but never capture it. 59963Lies can be had 'round the corner. 59964 -- Poul Henningsen (1894-1967) 59965% 59966You can be replaced by this computer. 59967% 59968You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault. 59969 -- Katharine Fullerton Gerould 59970% 59971You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it 59972doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on. 59973 -- Hepler, Systems Design 182, University of Washington 59974% 59975You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane. And you 59976know what happens? At the very moment they cross those mountains... 59977they go mad. Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment 59978they cross the mountains into California, they go insane. 59979 -- Quentin Genter 59980% 59981You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long. 59982 -- Boris Yeltsin 59983% 59984You can cage a swallow, can't you, 59985 but you can't swallow a cage, can you? 59986Girl, bathing on Bikini, eyeing boy, 59987 finds boy eyeing bikini on bathing girl. 59988A man, a plan, a canal -- Panama! 59989 -- The Palindromist 59990% 59991You can create your own opportunities this week. 59992Blackmail a senior executive. 59993% 59994You can destroy your now by worrying about tomorrow. 59995 -- Janis Joplin 59996% 59997"You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. 59998Why do you find that funny?" 59999 -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350 60000% 60001You can do this in a number of ways. IBM chose to do all of them. 60002Why do you find that funny? 60003 -- D. Taylor, Computer Science 350, University of Washington 60004% 60005You can do very well in speculation where 60006land or anything to do with dirt is concerned. 60007% 60008You can drive a horse to water, but a pencil must be lead. 60009% 60010You can fool all the people all of the time if the advertising is right 60011and the budget is big enough. 60012 -- Joseph E. Levine 60013% 60014You can fool some of the people all of the time and all 60015of the people some of the time, but you can never fool your Mom. 60016% 60017You can fool some of the people all of the time, 60018and all of the people some of the time, 60019but you can make a fool of yourself anytime. 60020% 60021You can fool some of the people some of the time, 60022and some of the people all of the time, and that is sufficient. 60023% 60024You can get *anywhere* in ten minutes if you drive fast enough. 60025% 60026You can get everything in life you want, 60027if you will help enough other people get what they want. 60028% 60029You can get more of what you want with a kind word and a gun than you 60030can with just a kind word. 60031 -- Bumper Sticker 60032% 60033You can get much further with a kind word and a 60034gun than you can with a kind word alone. 60035 -- Al Capone 60036 [Also attributed to Johnny Carson. Ed.] 60037% 60038You can get there from here, but why on earth would you want to? 60039% 60040You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard. 60041% 60042You can grovel with a lover, you can grovel with a friend, 60043You can grovel with your boss, and it never has to end. 60044 60045(chorus) Grovel, grovel, grovel, every night and every day, 60046 Grovel, grovel, grovel, in your own peculiar way. 60047 60048You can grovel in a hallway, you can grovel in a park, 60049You can grovel in an alley with a mugger after dark. 60050(chorus) 60051 60052You can grovel with your uncle, you can grovel with your aunt, 60053You can grovel with your Apple, even though you say you can't. 60054(chorus) 60055% 60056You can have a dog as a friend. You can have whiskey as a friend. But 60057if you have a woman as a friend, you're going to wind up drunk and kissing 60058your dog. 60059 -- foolin' around 60060% 60061You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. 60062Don't ever count on having both at once. 60063 -- Lazarus Long 60064% 60065You can imagine my embarrassment when I killed the wrong guy. 60066 -- Joe Valachi 60067% 60068You can lead a horse to water, but if you can 60069get him to float on his back, you've got something. 60070% 60071You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, 60072for instance. 60073 -- Franklin P. Jones 60074% 60075You can make it illegal, but you can't make it unpopular. 60076% 60077You can measure a programmer's perspective by noting his attitude on 60078the continuing viability of FORTRAN. 60079 -- Alan Perlis 60080% 60081You can move the world with an idea, 60082but you have to think of it first. 60083% 60084You can never do just one thing. 60085 -- Hardin 60086% 60087You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks. 60088% 60089You can never trust a woman; she may be true to you. 60090% 60091You can no more win a war than you can win an earthquake. 60092 -- Jeannette Rankin 60093% 60094You can not get anything worthwhile done without raising a sweat. 60095 -- The First Law Of Thermodynamics 60096 60097What ever you want is going to cost a little more than it is worth. 60098 -- The Second Law Of Thermodynamics 60099 60100You can not win the game, and you are not allowed to stop playing. 60101 -- The Third Law Of Thermodynamics 60102% 60103You can now buy more gates with less 60104specifications than at any other time in history. 60105 -- Kenneth Parker 60106% 60107You can observe a lot just by watching. 60108 -- Yogi Berra 60109% 60110You can only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough. 60111% 60112You can rent this space for only $5 a week. 60113% 60114You can take all the impact that science considerations have on funding 60115decisions at NASA, put them in the navel of a flea, and have room left 60116over for a caraway seed and Tony Calio's heart. 60117 -- F. Allen 60118% 60119You can tell how far we have to go, when FORTRAN is the language of 60120supercomputers. 60121 -- Steven Feiner 60122% 60123You can tell the ideals of a nation by its advertisements. 60124 -- Norman Douglas 60125% 60126You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish. 60127% 60128You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename. 60129 -- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454, 60130 University of Washington 60131% 60132You canna change the laws of physics, Captain; 60133I've got to have thirty minutes! 60134% 60135You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. 60136% 60137You cannot choose your battlefield, the gods do that for you. 60138But you can plant a standard where a standard never flew. 60139 -- Nathalia Crane 60140% 60141You cannot have a science without measurement. 60142 -- R. W. Hamming 60143% 60144You cannot kill time without injuring eternity. 60145% 60146You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back. 60147% 60148You cannot see the wood for the trees. 60149 -- John Heywood 60150% 60151You cannot shake hands with a clenched fist. 60152 -- Indira Gandhi 60153% 60154You cannot use your friends and have them too. 60155% 60156You can't break eggs without making an omelet. 60157% 60158You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks. 60159% 60160You can't cheat an honest man, never give 60161a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump. 60162 -- W. C. Fields 60163% 60164You can't cheat the phone company. 60165% 60166You can't cross a large chasm in two small jumps. 60167% 60168You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up. 60169 -- Richard Nixon, 1952 60170% 60171You can't erase a dream, you can only wake me up. 60172 -- Peter Frampton 60173% 60174You can't expect a boy to be vicious till he's been to a good school. 60175 -- H. H. Munro 60176% 60177"You can't expect a mother to be with a small child all the time", 60178Margaret Mead once remarked, with her usual good sense, but in 1978 60179she shocked feminists by snapping that women don't really have 60180children to put them in day care twelve hours a day, either. 60181 -- Caroline Bird, "The Two Paycheck Marriage" 60182% 60183You can't fall off the floor. 60184% 60185You can't get there from here. 60186% 60187You can't go home again, unless you set $HOME. 60188% 60189You can't have everything. Where would you put it? 60190 -- Steven Wright 60191% 60192You can't have your cake and let your neighbor eat it too. 60193 -- Ayn Rand 60194% 60195You can't hold a man down without staying down with him. 60196 -- Booker T. Washington 60197% 60198You can't hug a child with nuclear arms. 60199% 60200You can't judge a book by the way it wears its hair. 60201% 60202You can't kiss a girl unexpectedly -- 60203only sooner than she thought you would. 60204% 60205You can't learn too soon that the most useful thing about a principle 60206is that it can always be sacrificed to expediency. 60207 -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle" 60208% 60209"You can't make a program without broken egos." 60210% 60211You can't mend a wristwatch while falling from an airplane. 60212% 60213You can't play your friends like marks, kid. 60214 -- Henry Gondorf, "The Sting" 60215% 60216You can't push on a string. 60217% 60218You can't run away forever, 60219But there's nothing wrong with getting a good head start. 60220 -- Jim Steinman, "Rock and Roll Dreams Come Through" 60221% 60222You can't say civilization don't advance... in every war they kill you a 60223new way. 60224 -- Will Rogers 60225% 60226You can't start worrying about what's going to happen. You get spastic 60227enough worrying about what's happening now. 60228 -- Lauren Bacall 60229% 60230"You can't survive by sucking the juice from a wet mitten." 60231 -- Charles Schulz, "Things I've Had to Learn Over and 60232 Over and Over" 60233% 60234You can't take damsel here now. 60235% 60236You can't take it with you -- 60237especially when crossing a state line. 60238% 60239"You can't teach people to be lazy - either they have it, or they don't." 60240 -- Dagwood Bumstead 60241% 60242You can't underestimate the power of fear. 60243 -- Tricia Nixon Cox 60244% 60245You climb to reach the summit, but once 60246there, discover that all roads lead down. 60247 -- Stanislaw Lem, "The Cyberiad" 60248% 60249You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first 60250and last month in advance. 60251% 60252You could live a better life, if you 60253had a better mind and a better body. 60254% 60255You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable 60256doubt. 60257 -- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict 60258% 60259You definitely intend to start living sometime soon. 60260% 60261You dialed 5483. 60262% 60263You display the wonderful traits of charm and courtesy. 60264% 60265You do not have mail. 60266% 60267You don't become a failure until you're satisfied with being one. 60268% 60269You don't have to be nice to people on the way up 60270if you're not planning on coming back down. 60271 -- Oliver Warbucks, "Annie" 60272% 60273You don't have to explain something you never said. 60274 -- Calvin Coolidge 60275% 60276You don't have to know how the computer 60277works, just how to work the computer. 60278% 60279You don't have to think too hard when you talk to teachers. 60280 -- J. D. Salinger 60281% 60282You don't move to Edina, you achieve Edina. 60283 -- Guindon 60284% 60285You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting 60286needles. 60287 -- Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food 60288% 60289You enjoy the company of other people. 60290% 60291You feel a whole lot more like you do 60292now than you did when you used to. 60293% 60294You fill a much-needed gap. 60295% 60296You first have to decide whether to use the short or the long form. 60297The short form is what the Internal Revenue Service calls "simplified", 60298which means it is designed for people who need the help of a Sears 60299tax-preparation expert to distinguish between their first and last 60300names. Here's the complete text: 60301 60302 "(1) How much did you make? (AMOUNT) 60303 "(2) How much did we here at the government take out? (AMOUNT) 60304 "(3) Hey! Sounds like we took too much! So we're going to 60305 send an official government check for (ONE-FIFTEENTH OF 60306 THE AMOUNT WE TOOK) directly to the (YOUR LAST NAME) 60307 household at (YOUR ADDRESS), for you to spend in any way 60308 you please! Which just goes to show you, (YOUR FIRST 60309 NAME), that it pays to file the short form!" 60310 60311The IRS wants you to use this form because it gets to keep most of your 60312money. So unless you have pond silt for brains, you want the long 60313form. 60314 -- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes" 60315% 60316You first parent of the human race... who ruined yourself for an apple, 60317what might you have done for a truffled turkey? 60318 -- Brillat-Savarin, "Physiologie du go^ut" 60319% 60320You get along very well with everyone except animals and people. 60321% 60322You get what you pay for. 60323 -- Gabriel Biel 60324% 60325You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me 60326from your own life. May it all turn out to your happiness. 60327 -- Goethe 60328% 60329You go down to the pickup station, 60330 craving warmth and beauty; 60331You settle for less than fascination -- 60332 a few drinks later you're not so choosy. 60333And the closing lights strip off the shadows 60334 on this strange new flesh you've found -- 60335Clutching the night to you like a fig leaf 60336 you hurry to the blackness 60337 and the blankets to lay down an impression 60338 and your loneliness. 60339 -- Joni Mitchell 60340% 60341You got to be very careful if you don't know 60342where you're going, because you might not get there. 60343 -- Yogi Berra 60344% 60345You got to pay your dues if you want to sing the blues, 60346And you know it don't come easy ... 60347I don't ask for much, I only want trust, 60348And you know it don't come easy ... 60349% 60350You guys have been practicing discrimination for years. 60351Now it's our turn. 60352 -- Thurgood Marshall, quoted by Justice Douglas 60353% 60354You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it! 60355% 60356You had mail. 60357Paul read it, so ask him what it said. 60358% 60359You had some happiness once, 60360but your parents moved away, and you had to leave it behind. 60361% 60362You have a deep appreciation of the arts and music. 60363% 60364You have a deep interest in all that is artistic. 60365% 60366You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister). 60367% 60368You have a message from the operator. 60369% 60370You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy. 60371A pity that it's totally undeserved. 60372% 60373You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex. 60374% 60375You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex. 60376% 60377You have a strong desire for a home 60378and your family interests come first. 60379% 60380You have a tendency to feel you are superior to most computers. 60381% 60382You have a truly strong individuality. 60383% 60384You have a will that can be influenced 60385by all with whom you come in contact. 60386% 60387You have acquired a scroll entitled 'irk gleknow mizk'(n).--More-- 60388 60389This is an IBM Manual scroll.--More-- 60390 60391You are permanently confused. 60392 -- Dave Decot 60393% 60394You have all eternity to be cautious in when you're dead. 60395 -- Lois Platford 60396% 60397You have all the characteristics of a popular politician: 60398a horrible voice, bad breeding, and a vulgar manner. 60399 -- Aristophanes 60400% 60401You have an ability to sense and know higher truth. 60402% 60403You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself. 60404% 60405You have an unusual equipment for success. 60406Be sure to use it properly. 60407% 60408You have an unusual magnetic personality. Don't walk too close to 60409metal objects which are not fastened down. 60410% 60411You have an unusual understanding of 60412the problems of human relationships. 60413% 60414You have been in Afghanistan, I perceive. 60415 -- Sherlock Holmes, "A Study in Scarlet" 60416% 60417You have been selected for a secret mission. 60418% 60419You have Egyptian flu: you're going to be a mummy. 60420% 60421You have had a long-term stimulation relative to business. 60422% 60423You have junk mail. 60424% 60425You have literary talent that you should take pains to develop. 60426% 60427You have mail. 60428% 60429You have many friends and very few living enemies. 60430% 60431You have no real enemies. 60432% 60433You have not converted a man because you have silenced him. 60434 -- John Viscount Morley 60435% 60436You have only to mumble a few words in church to get married 60437and few words in your sleep to get divorced. 60438% 60439You have taken yourself too seriously. 60440% 60441You have the body of a 19 year old. Please return it before it gets 60442wrinkled. 60443% 60444You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot 60445today. 60446% 60447You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact. 60448% 60449You have to run as fast as you can just to stay where you are. 60450If you want to get anywhere, you'll have to run much faster. 60451 -- Lewis Carroll 60452% 60453You humans are all alike. 60454% 60455You just know when a relationship is about to end. My girlfriend called me 60456at work and asked me how you change a lightbulb in the bathroom. "It's very 60457simple," I said. "You start by filling up the bathtub with water..." 60458% 60459You just wait, I'll sin till I blow up! 60460 -- Dylan Thomas 60461% 60462You k'n hide de fier, but w'at you gwine do wid de smoke? 60463 -- Joel Chandler Harris, proverbs of Uncle Remus 60464% 60465You knew the job was dangerous when you took it, Fred. 60466 -- Superchicken 60467% 60468You know, Callahan's is a peaceable bar, but if 60469you ask that dog what his favorite formatter is, 60470and he says "roff! roff!", well, I'll just have to... 60471% 60472You know how to win a victory, Hannibal, but not how to use it. 60473 -- Maharbal 60474% 60475You know if they ever find a way to harness sarcasm as an energy source, 60476you people are all going to owe me big. 60477 -- Bill Paul 60478% 60479You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes 60480you wore home from the party and there aren't any. 60481% 60482You know it's going to be a long day when you get up, shave and shower, 60483start to get dressed and your shoes are still warm. 60484 -- Dean Webber 60485% 60486You know it's Monday when you wake up and it's Tuesday. 60487 -- Garfield 60488% 60489You know my heart keeps tellin' me, 60490You're not a kid at thirty-three, 60491You play around you lose your wife, 60492You play too long, you lose your life. 60493Some gotta win, some gotta lose, 60494Goodtime Charlie's got the blues. 60495% 60496You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, 60497are now extinct. 60498 -- W. Somerset Maugham 60499% 60500You know that feeling you get when you are tipping your chair back and you 60501almost go crashing back on the floor but you just catch yourself? I feel 60502like that all the time. 60503 -- Steven Wright 60504% 60505You know, the difference between this company and 60506the Titanic is that the Titanic had paying customers. 60507% 60508You know the great thing about TV? If something important happens 60509anywhere at all in the world, no matter what time of the day or night, 60510you can always change the channel. 60511 -- Jim Ignatowski 60512% 60513You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends 60514on whether [the press] fear you. It is just as simple as that. 60515 -- Richard Nixon 60516% 60517You know what I wish? I wish all the scum of the Earth had one throat 60518and I had my hands about it. 60519 -- Rorschach, "Watchmen" 60520% 60521You know what they say -- the sweetest word in the English language 60522is revenge. 60523 -- Peter Beard 60524% 60525You know what we can be like: See a guy and think he's cute one minute, the 60526next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see 60527him having an extramarital affair. By the time someone says "I'd like you to 60528meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!" 60529 -- Cynthia Heimel, "A Girl's Guide to Chaos" 60530% 60531You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit. 60532 -- E. A. Gilliam 60533% 60534You know you have a small apartment when Rice Krispies echo. 60535 -- S. Rickly Christian 60536% 60537You know your apartment is small... 60538 when you can't know its position and velocity at the same time. 60539 you put your key in the lock and it breaks the window. 60540 you have to go outside to change your mind. 60541 you can vacuum the entire place using a single electrical outlet. 60542% 60543You know you're a little fat if you have stretch marks on your car. 60544 -- Cyrus, Chicago Reader 1/22/82 60545% 60546You know you're getting old when you're Dad, and you're measuring your 60547daughter for camp clothes, and there are certain measurements only her 60548mother is allowed to take. 60549% 60550You know you're in a small town when... 60551 You don't use turn signals because everybody knows where you're going. 60552 You're born on June 13 and your family receives gifts from the local 60553 merchants because you're the first baby of the year. 60554 Everyone knows whose credit is good, and whose wife isn't. 60555 You speak to each dog you pass, by name... and he wags his tail. 60556 You dial the wrong number, and talk for 15 minutes anyway. 60557 You write a check on the wrong bank and it covers you anyway. 60558% 60559You know you're in trouble when... 605601) You wake up face down on the pavement. 605612) Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache. 605623) You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes 60563 out of the city. 605644) Your twin sister forgot your birthday. 605655) You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then 60566 remember that you don't have a waterbed. 605676) Your doctor tells you you're allergic to chocolate. 60568% 60569You know you're in trouble when... 605701) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you 60571 follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway. 605722) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party 60573 and there aren't any. 605743) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat. 605754) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard. 605765) You wake up and your braces are locked together. 605776) Your mother approves of the person you're dating. 60578% 60579You know you're in trouble when... 60580(1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind 60581 her own business. 60582(2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better. 60583(3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold. 60584(4) You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office. 60585(5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles. 60586(6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to 60587 flush a grapefruit down the toilet. 60588(7) You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box. 60589% 60590You know you're in trouble when... 60591(1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your 60592 skirt is caught in your pantyhose. 60593(2) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife. 60594(3) Your income tax check bounces. 60595(4) You put both contact lenses in the same eye. 60596(5) Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George. 60597(6) You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day 60598 after you bought a waterbed. 60599(7) You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk 60600 clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party 60601 for your spouse. 60602% 60603You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long 60604when you go out to the junk food machine and start wondering how to 60605make it give you the CADR of Item H so you can get that yummie 60606chocolate cupcake that's stuck behind the disgusting vanilla one. 60607% 60608You know you've been spending too much time on the computer when your 60609friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it. 60610% 60611You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi. 60612% 60613You learn to write as if to someone else 60614because NEXT YEAR YOU WILL BE "SOMEONE ELSE". 60615% 60616You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances. 60617% 60618You lived with a man who wore white belts? 60619Laura, I'm disappointed in you. 60620 -- Remington Steele 60621% 60622You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled. 60623% 60624You look tired. 60625% 60626You love peace. 60627% 60628You love your home and want it to be beautiful. 60629% 60630You may already be a loser. 60631 -- Form letter received by Rodney Dangerfield 60632% 60633You may be gone tomorrow, but that 60634doesn't mean that you weren't here today. 60635% 60636You may be infinitely smaller than some things, 60637but you're infinitely larger than others. 60638% 60639You may be recognized soon. Hide. 60640% 60641You may be right, I may be crazy, 60642But maybe it's a lunatic you're looking for? 60643 -- Billy Joel 60644% 60645You may be sure that when a man begins to call himself a "realist," he 60646is preparing to do something he is secretly ashamed of doing. 60647 -- Sydney Harris 60648% 60649You may carve it on his tombstone, you may cut it on his card 60650That a young man married is a young man marred. 60651 -- Rudyard Kipling, "The Story of the Gadsbys" 60652% 60653You may easily play a joke on a man who likes to argue -- agree with 60654him. 60655 -- Ed Howe 60656% 60657You may get an opportunity for advancement today. Watch it! 60658% 60659You may have heard that a dean is to faculty as a hydrant is to a dog. 60660 -- Alfred Kahn 60661% 60662You may my glories and my state dispose, 60663But not my griefs; still am I king of those. 60664 -- William Shakespeare, "Richard II" 60665% 60666You may not be able to judge a book by its cover, but 60667you sure as hell can tell how much it's going to cost. 60668% 60669You may worry about your hair-do today, but tomorrow much peanut butter will 60670be sold. 60671% 60672You mean you didn't *know* she was off 60673making lots of little phone companies? 60674% 60675You men out there probably think you already know how to dress for 60676success. You know, for example, that you should not wear leisure suits 60677or white plastic belts and shoes, unless you are going to a costume 60678party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World. 60679 -- Dave Barry, "How to Dress for Real Success" 60680% 60681You mentioned your name as if I should recognize it, but beyond the 60682obvious facts that you are a bachelor, a solicitor, a freemason, and 60683an asthmatic, I know nothing whatever about you. 60684 -- Sherlock Holmes, "The Norwood Builder" 60685% 60686You might have mail. 60687% 60688You might like to know that I looked at a detailed map of NT, and I'm 60689now able to confirm that in all probability Microsoft NT does not 60690exist. If it does, it's so small as to be completely insignificant. 60691 -- Greg Lehey 60692% 60693You must dine in our cafeteria. 60694You can eat dirt cheap there!!!! 60695% 60696You must include all income you receive in the form of money, property 60697and services if it is not specifically exempt. Report property (goods) 60698and services at their fair market values. Examples include income from 60699bartering or swapping transactions, side commissions, kickbacks, rent 60700paid in services, illegal activities (such as stealing, drugs, etc.), 60701cash skimming by proprietors and tradesmen, "moonlighting" services, 60702gambling, prizes and awards. Not reporting such income can lead to 60703prosecution for perjury and fraud. 60704 -- Excerpt from Taxachussettes income tax forms 60705% 60706You must know that a man can have only one invulnerable loyalty, loyalty 60707to his own concept of the obligations of manhood. All other loyalties 60708are merely deputies of that one. 60709 -- Nero Wolfe 60710% 60711You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable 60712proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do. 60713% 60714You need more time; and you probably always will. 60715% 60716You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll 60717be dead. 60718% 60719You need not worry about your future. 60720% 60721You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a 60722reputation as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating 60723the very phrases which our founding fathers used in the struggle for 60724independence. 60725 -- Charles A. Beard 60726% 60727You never gain something but that you lose something. 60728 -- Thoreau 60729% 60730You never get a second chance to make a first impression. 60731% 60732You never go anywhere without your soul. 60733% 60734You never have to change anything you 60735got up in the middle of the night to write. 60736 -- Saul Bellow 60737% 60738You never have to figure out what to get for children, because they will 60739tell you exactly what they want. They spend months and months researching 60740these kinds of things by watching Saturday- morning cartoon-show 60741advertisements. Make sure you get your children exactly what they ask for, 60742even if you disapprove of their choices. If your child thinks he wants 60743Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You Can Rip Right Off, you'd better 60744get it. You may be worried that it might help to encourage your child's 60745antisocial tendencies, but believe me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies 60746until you've seen a child who is convinced that he or she did not get the 60747right gift. 60748 -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide" 60749% 60750You never hesitate to tackle the most difficult problems. 60751% 60752You never know how many friends you have until you rent a house on the 60753beach. 60754% 60755You never know what is enough until you know what is more than enough. 60756 -- William Blake 60757% 60758You never learned anything by doing it right. 60759% 60760You never realize how many friends you 60761have until you rent a house at the beach. 60762% 60763You notice that after Ginzburg admitted he had tried marijuana everyone 60764got in line to admit it, too. But you also notice they all said they 60765"experimented" with marijuana. The didn't "use" it; they "experimented" 60766with it. Let me tell you something -- Jonas Salk "experiments"; these 60767guys were getting stoned! 60768 -- Johnny Carson 60769% 60770You now have Asian Flu. 60771% 60772You or I must yield up his life to Ahrimanes. I would rather it were 60773you. I should have no hesitation in sacrificing my own life to spare 60774yours, but we take stock next week, and it would not be fair on the 60775company. 60776 -- J. Wellington Wells 60777% 60778You own a dog, but you can only feed a cat. 60779% 60780You plan things that you do not even 60781attempt because of your extreme caution. 60782% 60783You possess a mind not merely twisted, but actually sprained. 60784% 60785You prefer the company of the opposite 60786sex, but are well liked by your own. 60787% 60788You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could 60789know how seldom they do. 60790 -- Olin Miller 60791% 60792You recoil from the crude; you tend naturally toward the exquisite. 60793% 60794You roll my log, and I will roll yours. 60795 -- Lucius Annaeus Seneca 60796% 60797You say potatoe, 60798And I say potato. 60799You say tomatoe, 60800And I say tomato. 60801Potatoe, potato, 60802Tomatoe, tomato. 60803Let's go be the Vice President... 60804% 60805You scratch my tape, and I'll scratch yours. 60806% 60807You see, I consider that a man's brain originally is like a little empty 60808attic, and you have to stock it with such furniture as you choose. A fool 60809takes in all the lumber of every sort he comes across, so that the knowledge 60810which might be useful to him gets crowded out, or at best is jumbled up with 60811alot of other things, so that he has difficulty in laying his hands upon it. 60812Now the skillful workman is very careful indeed as to what he takes into his 60813brain-attic. He will have nothing but the tools which may help him in doing 60814his work, but of these he has a large assortment, and all in the most perfect 60815order. It is a mistake to think that that little room has elastic walls and 60816can distend to any extent. Depend upon it there comes a time when for every 60817addition of knowledge you forget something that you knew before. It is of 60818the highest importance, therefore, not to have useless facts elbowing out 60819the useful ones. 60820 -- Sherlock Holmes 60821% 60822You see things; and you say "Why?" 60823But I dream things that never were; and I say "Why not?" 60824 -- George Bernard Shaw, "Back to Methuselah" 60825 [No, it wasn't John F. Kennedy. Ed.] 60826% 60827You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull 60828his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you 60829understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send 60830signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that 60831there is no cat. 60832 -- Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio 60833% 60834You seek to shield those you love 60835and you like the role of the provider. 60836% 60837You shall be rewarded for a dastardly deed. 60838% 60839You shall judge of a man by his foes as well as by his friends. 60840 -- Joseph Conrad 60841% 60842You should avoid hedging, at least that's what I think. 60843% 60844You should emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially 60845if they are dead. 60846% 60847You should go home. 60848% 60849You should make a point of trying every experience once -- except 60850incest and folk-dancing. 60851 -- A. Bax, "Farewell My Youth" 60852% 60853You should never bet against anything in science at odds of more than 60854about 10^12 to 1. 60855 -- Ernest Rutherford 60856% 60857You should never ride in an airplane with a sports team, 60858because if the plane goes down, it's you they're gonna eat! 60859 -- Gordon Downie, singer for Tragically Hip 60860% 60861You should never wear your best trousers when you go out to fight for 60862freedom and liberty. 60863 -- Henrik Ibsen 60864% 60865You should not use your fireplace, because scientists now believe that, 60866contrary to popular opinion, fireplaces actually remove heat from 60867houses. Really, that's what scientists believe. In fact many 60868scientists actually use their fireplaces to cool their houses in the 60869summer. If you visit a scientist's house on a sultry August day, 60870you'll find a cheerful fire roaring on the hearth and the scientist 60871sitting nearby, remarking on how cool he is and drinking heavily. 60872 -- Dave Barry, "Postpetroleum Guzzler" 60873% 60874You should tip the waiter $10, minus $2 if he tells you his name, 60875another $2 if he claims it will be His Pleasure to serve you and 60876another $2 for each "special" he describes involving confusing terms 60877such as "shallots," and $4 if the menu contains the word "fixin's." In 60878many restaurants, this means the waiter will actually owe you money. 60879If you are traveling with a child aged six months to three years, you 60880should leave an additional amount equal to twice the bill to compensate 60881for the fact that they will have to take the banquette out and burn it 60882because the cracks are wedged solid with gobbets made of partially 60883chewed former restaurant rolls saturated with baby spit. 60884 60885In New York, tip the taxicab driver $40 if he does not mention his 60886hemorrhoids. 60887 -- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette" 60888% 60889You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a 60890plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture. 60891 -- Business Professor, University of Georgia 60892% 60893You shouldn't have to pay for your love with your bones and your flesh. 60894 -- Pat Benatar, "Hell is for Children" 60895% 60896You shouldn't wallow in self-pity. But it's OK to put 60897your feet in it and swish them around a little. 60898 -- Guindon 60899% 60900You single-handedly fought your way into this hopeless mess. 60901% 60902You teach best what you most need to learn. 60903% 60904You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother. 60905% 60906YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF PAPER SHUFFLING! 60907 60908Mr. Smith of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be 60909a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel really 60910important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best." 60911 60912Mr. Watkins had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward 60913to was a dead-end job as an engineer. Now I have a promising future and 60914make really big Zorkmids." 60915 60916MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when 60917you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter. 60918 60919 SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY! 60920% 60921You too can wear a nose mitten. 60922% 60923You tread upon my patience. 60924 -- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV" 60925% 60926You two ought to be more careful-- 60927your love could drag on for years and years. 60928% 60929You want to know why I kept getting promoted? 60930Because my mouth knows more than my brain. 60931 -- W. G. 60932% 60933You will always find something in the last place you look. 60934% 60935You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like. 60936% 60937You will always have good luck in your personal affairs. 60938% 60939You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home. 60940% 60941You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. 60942% 60943You will be advanced socially, 60944without any special effort on your part. 60945% 60946You will be aided greatly by a person 60947whom you thought to be unimportant. 60948% 60949You will be attacked by a beast who has the body of a wolf, the tail of 60950a lion, and the face of Donald Duck. 60951% 60952You will be audited by the Internal Revenue Service. 60953% 60954You will be awarded a medal for disregarding safety in saving someone. 60955% 60956You will be awarded some great honor. 60957% 60958You will be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize... posthumously. 60959% 60960You will be called upon to help a friend in trouble. 60961% 60962You will be dead within a year. 60963% 60964You will be divorced within a year. 60965% 60966You will be given a post of trust and responsibility. 60967% 60968You will be held hostage by a radical group. 60969% 60970You will be honored for contributing 60971your time and skill to a worthy cause. 60972% 60973You will be imprisoned for contributing 60974your time and skill to a bank robbery. 60975% 60976You will be married within a year. 60977% 60978You will be married within a year, and divorced within two. 60979% 60980You will be misunderstood by everyone. 60981% 60982You will be recognized and honored as a community leader. 60983% 60984You will be reincarnated as a toad; and you will be much happier. 60985% 60986You will be run over by a beer truck. 60987% 60988You will be run over by a bus. 60989% 60990You will be singled out for promotion in your work. 60991% 60992You will be successful in love. 60993% 60994You will be surprised by a loud noise. 60995% 60996You will be surrounded by luxury. 60997% 60998You will be the last person to buy a Chrysler. 60999% 61000You will be the victim of a bizarre joke. 61001% 61002You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself. 61003% 61004You will be traveling and coming into a fortune. 61005% 61006You will be winged by an anti-aircraft battery. 61007% 61008You will become rich and famous unless you don't. 61009% 61010You will contract a rare disease. 61011% 61012You will engage in a profitable business activity. 61013% 61014You will experience a strong urge to do good; but it will pass. 61015% 61016You will feel hungry again in another hour. 61017% 61018You will find me drinking gin 61019In the lowest kind of inn, 61020Because I am a rigid Vegetarian. 61021 -- G. K. Chesterton 61022% 61023You will forget that you ever knew me. 61024% 61025You will gain money by a fattening action. 61026% 61027You will gain money by a speculation or lottery. 61028% 61029You will gain money by an illegal action. 61030% 61031You will gain money by an immoral action. 61032% 61033You will get what you deserve. 61034% 61035You will give someone a piece of your mind, which you can ill afford. 61036% 61037You will have a head crash on your private pack. 61038% 61039You will have a long and boring life. 61040% 61041You will have a long and unpleasant discussion with your supervisor. 61042% 61043You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends. 61044% 61045You will have good luck and overcome many hardships. 61046% 61047You will have long and healthy life. 61048% 61049You will have many recoverable tape errors. 61050% 61051You will hear good news from one you thought unfriendly to you. 61052% 61053You will inherit millions of dollars. 61054% 61055You will inherit some money or a small piece of land. 61056% 61057You will live a long, healthy, happy life and make bags of money. 61058% 61059You will live to see your grandchildren. 61060% 61061You will lose an important disk file. 61062% 61063You will lose an important tape file. 61064% 61065You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door 61066mayonnaise salesman. 61067% 61068You will meet an important person who will help you advance professionally. 61069% 61070You will never amount to much. 61071 -- Munich Schoolmaster, to Albert Einstein, age 10 61072% 61073You will never know hunger. 61074% 61075You will not be elected to public office this year. 61076% 61077You will obey or molten silver will be poured into your ears. 61078% 61079You will outgrow your usefulness. 61080% 61081You will overcome the attacks of jealous associates. 61082% 61083You will pass away very quickly. 61084% 61085You will pay for your sins. 61086If you have already paid, please disregard this message. 61087% 61088You will pioneer the first Martian colony. 61089% 61090You will probably marry after a very brief courtship. 61091% 61092You will reach the highest possible point in your business or profession. 61093% 61094You will receive a legacy which will place you above want. 61095% 61096You will remember something that you should not have forgotten. 61097% 61098You will soon forget this. 61099% 61100You will soon meet a person who will play an important role in your life. 61101% 61102You will step on the night soil of many countries. 61103% 61104You will stop at nothing to reach your objective, 61105but only because your brakes are defective. 61106% 61107You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes. 61108% 61109You will triumph over your enemy. 61110% 61111You will visit the Dung Pits of Glive soon. 61112% 61113You will win success in whatever calling you adopt. 61114% 61115You will wish you hadn't. 61116% 61117You won't skid if you stay in a rut. 61118 -- Frank Hubbard 61119% 61120You work very hard. Don't try to think as well. 61121% 61122You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You're not paid enough to 61123worry. 61124% 61125"You would do well not to imagine profundity," he said. "Anything that seems 61126of momentous occasion should be dwelt upon as though it were of slight note. 61127Conversely, trivialities must be attended to with the greatest of care. 61128Because death is momentous, give it no thought; because victory is important, 61129give it no thought; because the method of achievement and discovery is less 61130momentous than the effect, dwell always upon the method. You will strengthen 61131yourself in this way." 61132 -- Jessica Salmonson, "The Swordswoman" 61133% 61134You would if you could but you can't so you won't. 61135% 61136You'd best be snoozin', 'cause you don't 61137be gettin' no work done at 5 a.m. anyway. 61138 -- From the wall of the Wurster Hall stairwell 61139% 61140You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a 61141taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a 61142minute and a huff. 61143 -- Groucho Marx 61144% 61145You'd better smile when they watch you, smile like you're in control. 61146 -- Smile, "Was (Not Was)" 61147% 61148You'd like to do it instantaneously, but that's too slow. 61149% 61150You'll always be, 61151What you always were, 61152Which has nothing to do with, 61153All to do, with her. 61154 -- Company 61155% 61156You'll be called to a post requiring 61157ability in handling groups of people. 61158% 61159You'll be sorry... 61160% 61161You'll feel devilish tonight. 61162Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's heel. 61163% 61164You'll feel much better once you've given up hope. 61165% 61166You'll never be the man your mother was! 61167% 61168You'll never see all the places, or read all the 61169books, but fortunately, they're not all recommended. 61170% 61171You'll wish that you had done some of the 61172hard things when they were easier to do. 61173% 61174Young men are fitter to invent than to judge; fitter for execution than for 61175counsel; and fitter for new projects than for settled business. For the 61176experience of age, in things that fall within the compass of it, directeth 61177them; but in new things, abuseth them. The errors of young men are the ruin 61178of business; but the errors of aged men amount but to this, that more might 61179have been done, or sooner. Young men, in the conduct and management of 61180actions, embrace more than they can hold; stir more than they can quiet; fly 61181to the end, without consideration of the means and degrees; pursue some few 61182principles which they have chanced upon absurdly; care not how they innovate, 61183which draws unknown inconveniences; and, that which doubleth all errors, will 61184not acknowledge or retract them; like an unready horse, that will neither stop 61185nor turn. Men of age object too much, consult too long, adventure too little, 61186repent too soon, and seldom drive business home to the full period, but 61187content themselves with a mediocrity of success. Certainly, it is good to 61188compound employments of both ... because the virtues of either age may correct 61189the defects of both. 61190 -- Francis Bacon, "Essay on Youth and Age" 61191% 61192Young men, hear an old man to whom 61193old men hearkened when he was young. 61194 -- Augustus Caesar 61195% 61196Young men think old men are fools; 61197but old men know young men are fools. 61198 -- George Chapman 61199% 61200Your aim is high and to the right. 61201% 61202Your aims are high, and you are capable of much. 61203% 61204Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a 61205thing he tells you. 61206% 61207Your best consolation is the hope that the things 61208you failed to get weren't really worth having. 61209% 61210Your boss climbed the corporate ladder, wrong by wrong. 61211% 61212Your boss is a few sandwiches short of a picnic. 61213% 61214Your boyfriend takes chocolate from strangers. 61215% 61216Your business will assume vast proportions. 61217% 61218Your business will go through a period of considerable expansion. 61219% 61220Your code should be more efficient! 61221% 61222Your computer account is overdrawn. Please reauthorize. 61223% 61224Your computer account is overdrawn. Please see Big Brother. 61225% 61226Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you 61227from enjoying it. 61228% 61229Your Co-worker Could Be a Space Alien, Say Experts 61230 ...Here's How You Can Tell 61231Many Americans work side by side with space aliens who look human -- but you 61232can spot these visitors by looking for certain tip-offs, say experts. They 61233listed 10 signs to watch for: 61234 #3. Bizarre sense of humor. Space aliens who don't understand 61235 earthly humor may laugh during a company training film or tell 61236 jokes that no one understands, said Steiger. 61237 #6. Misuses everyday items. "A space alien may use correction 61238 fluid to paint its nails," said Steiger. 61239 #8. Secretive about personal life-style and home. "An alien won't 61240 discuss details or talk about what it does at night or on weekends." 61241 #10. Displays a change of mood or physical reaction when near certain 61242 high-tech hardware. "An alien may experience a mood change when 61243 a microwave oven is turned on," said Steiger. 61244The experts pointed out that a co-worker would have to display most if not 61245all of these traits before you can positively identify him as a space alien. 61246 -- National Enquirer, Michael Cassels, August, 1984 61247 61248 [I thought everybody laughed at company training films. Ed.] 61249% 61250Your depth of comprehension may tend to make you lax in worldly ways. 61251% 61252Your digestive system is your body's Fun House, whereby food goes on a long, 61253dark, scary ride, taking all kinds of unexpected twists and turns, being 61254attacked by vicious secretions along the way, and not knowing until the last 61255minute whether it will be turned into a useful body part or ejected into the 61256Dark Hole by Mister Sphincter. We Americans live in a nation where the 61257medical-care system is second to none in the world, unless you count maybe 6125825 or 30 little scuzzball countries like Scotland that we could vaporize in 61259seconds if we felt like it. 61260 -- Dave Barry, "Stay Fit & Healthy Until You're Dead" 61261% 61262Your domestic life may be harmonious. 61263% 61264Your education begins where what is called your education is over. 61265% 61266Your fault: core dumped 61267% 61268Your files are now being encrypted and thrown into the bit bucket. 61269EOF 61270% 61271Your fly might be open (but don't check it just now). 61272% 61273YOUR FOAMY FUTURE 61274 by Miss Fortune 61275 61276AQUARIUS (Jan. 20 - Feb. 18) 61277 You have nothing better to think about than what to wear and what 61278type of champagne to take to the neighbors Halloween Party. Just take beer! 61279Don't try to copy the "Joneses", pull them up to your level and remember, in 61280California Halloween is redundant anyhow. 61281 61282PISCES (Feb. 19 - March 20) 61283 Focus on strengthening friendships this Fall. You find others are 61284fascinated by your intelligence, your wit, your drinking ability, and your 61285bank account. Just make sure you realize it's far more impressive when 61286other discover your good qualities without your help. 61287% 61288YOUR FOAMY FUTURE 61289 by Miss Fortune 61290 61291ARIES (March 21 - April 19) 61292 Matters are not good, where your health is concerned. This Fall, be 61293sure to "walk groundly, talk profoundly, drink roundly, and sleep soundly" 61294and you will live all the days of your life. 61295 61296TAURUS (April 20 - May 20) 61297 You spent a fortune on beer this past summer and now find yourself 61298in a deep depression because you can't afford even one of your favorite 61299brewskis. Don't fret too much, Taurus. To get back on your feet simply 61300miss two car payments. 61301 61302GEMINI (May 21 - June 21) 61303 You think you're falling in love with a person who has a lot in 61304common with yourself. You both prefer ales, you've both tried your hand 61305at homebrewing, and you both want to visit every new brewpub that opens. 61306Sounds impressive but remember you really don't know your partner until 61307you meet in court. 61308% 61309YOUR FOAMY FUTURE 61310 by Miss Fortune 61311 61312CANCER (Jun 22 - July 22) 61313 You've been awarded a clean bill of health this month and you feel 61314you owe it all to the excessive amount of Vitamin B, Iron, and Malt you get 61315in your beer. Being healthy is admirable but don't you think you're going 61316to feel stupid one day lying in a hospital dying of nothing? 61317 61318LEO (July 23 - August 22) 61319 You will soon acquire a large sum of money and will be in seventh 61320heaven as you head to the nearest Liquor Barn and buy all the beer they have 61321in stock. Whoever said money couldn't buy happiness didn't know where to 61322shop. 61323 61324VIRGO (August 23 - September 22) 61325 Your late night, beer drinking, "life in the fast lane" parties are 61326affecting your job production the next morning. You feel a nine to five job 61327is not for a "party animal" such as yourself and may feel the need for a 61328career change. Just remember, people who work sitting down get paid more 61329than people who work standing up. 61330% 61331Your friends will know you better in the first minute you 61332meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years. 61333 -- Richard Bach, "Illusions" 61334% 61335Your goose is cooked. 61336(Your current chick is burned up too!) 61337% 61338Your happiness is intertwined with your outlook on life. 61339% 61340Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout. 61341% 61342Your ignorance cramps my conversation. 61343% 61344Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret. 61345% 61346Your love life will be happy and harmonious. 61347% 61348Your love life will be... interesting. 61349% 61350Your lover will never wish to leave you. 61351% 61352Your lucky color has faded. 61353% 61354Your lucky number has been disconnected. 61355% 61356Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. 61357Watch for it everywhere. 61358% 61359Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not 61360original and the part that is original is not good. 61361 -- Samuel Johnson 61362% 61363Your mind is the part of you that says, 61364 "Why'n'tcha eat that piece of cake?" 61365... and then, twenty minutes later, says, 61366 "Y'know, if I were you, I wouldn't have done that!" 61367 -- Steven and Ondrea Levine 61368% 61369Your mind understands what you have been 61370taught; your heart, what is true. 61371% 61372Your mode of life will be changed for 61373the better because of good news soon. 61374% 61375Your mode of life will be changed for 61376the better because of new developments. 61377% 61378Your mode of life will be changed to ASCII. 61379% 61380Your mode of life will be changed to EBCDIC. 61381% 61382Your mothers ghost stands at your shoulder 61383Face like ice, a little bit colder 61384She says "You can't do that it breaks all the rules 61385You learned in school" 61386But I don't really see 61387Why can't we go on as three? 61388 -- David Crosby, "Triad" 61389% 61390Your motives for doing whatever good deed you 61391may have in mind will be misinterpreted by somebody. 61392% 61393Your nature demands love and your happiness depends on it. 61394% 61395Your object is to save the world, 61396while still leading a pleasant life. 61397% 61398Your only obligation in any lifetime is to be true to yourself. Being 61399true to anyone else or anything else is not only impossible, but the 61400mark of a fake messiah. The simplest questions are the most profound. 61401Where were you born? Where is your home? Where are you going? What 61402are you doing? Think about these once in awhile and watch your answers 61403change. 61404 -- Messiah's Handbook: Reminders for the Advanced Soul 61405% 61406Your own qualities will help prevent your advancement in the world. 61407% 61408Your password is pitifully obvious. 61409% 61410Your picture of the world often changes just before you get it into focus. 61411% 61412Your present plans will be successful. 61413% 61414Your program is sick! Shoot it and put it out of its memory. 61415% 61416Your reasoning powers are good, and you are a fairly good planner. 61417% 61418Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You 61419need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion 61420picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use 61421the word "collectible" as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified 61422success. 61423 -- Fran Lebowitz, "Social Studies" 61424% 61425Your sister swims out to meet troop ships. 61426% 61427Your society will be sought by people of taste and refinement. 61428% 61429Your step will soil many countries. 61430% 61431Your supervisor is thinking about you. 61432% 61433Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded. 61434% 61435Your temporary financial embarrassment will 61436be relieved in a surprising manner. 61437% 61438Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with. 61439% 61440Your wig steers the gig. 61441 -- Lord Buckley 61442% 61443Your wise men don't know how it feels 61444To be thick as a brick. 61445 -- Jethro Tull, "Thick As A Brick" 61446% 61447Your worship is your furnaces 61448which, like old idols, lost obscenes, 61449have molten bowels; your vision is 61450machines for making more machines. 61451 -- Gordon Bottomley, 1874 61452% 61453You're a card which will have to be dealt with. 61454% 61455You're a good example of why some animals eat their young. 61456 -- Jim Samuels to a heckler 61457 61458Ah, yes. I remember my first beer. 61459 -- Steve Martin to a heckler 61460 61461When your IQ rises to 28, sell. 61462 -- Professor Irwin Corey to a heckler 61463% 61464You're all clear now, kid. 61465Now blow this thing so we can all go home. 61466 -- Han Solo 61467% 61468You're almost as happy as you think you are. 61469% 61470You're already carrying the sphere! 61471% 61472You're always thinking you're gonna be 61473the one that makes 'em act different. 61474 -- Woody Allen, "Manhattan" 61475% 61476You're at the end of the road again. 61477% 61478You're at Witt's End. 61479% 61480You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days. 61481% 61482You're currently going through a difficult transition period called "Life." 61483% 61484You're definitely on their list. 61485The question to ask next is what list it is. 61486% 61487You're either part of the solution or part of the problem. 61488 -- Eldridge Cleaver 61489% 61490You're growing out of some of your problems, 61491but there are others that you're growing into. 61492% 61493You're just the sort of person I imagined marrying, when I was little... 61494except, y'know, not green... and without all the patches of fungus. 61495 -- Swamp Thing 61496% 61497You're never too old to become younger. 61498 -- Mae West 61499% 61500You're not Dave. Who are you? 61501% 61502You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. 61503 -- Dean Martin 61504% 61505You're not my type. For that matter, you're not even my species!!! 61506% 61507You're reasoning is excellent -- it's 61508only your basic assumptions that are wrong. 61509% 61510You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny. 61511% 61512You're using a keyboard! How quaint! 61513% 61514You're working under a slight handicap. 61515You happen to be human. 61516% 61517Yours is not to reason why, 61518Just to Sail Away. 61519And when you find you have to throw 61520Your Legacy away; 61521Remember life as was it is, 61522And is as it were; 61523Chasing sounds across the galaxy 61524'Till silence is but a blur. 61525 -- QYX. 61526% 61527Youth. It's a wonder that anyone ever outgrows it. 61528% 61529Youth -- not a time of life but a state of mind... a predominance of 61530courage over timidity, of the appetite for adventure over the love of ease. 61531 -- Robert F. Kennedy 61532% 61533Youth had been a habit of hers so long that she could not part with it. 61534% 61535Youth is a blunder, manhood a struggle, old age a regret. 61536 -- Benjamin Disraeli, "Coningsby" 61537% 61538Youth is a disease from which we all recover. 61539 -- Dorothy Fuldheim 61540% 61541Youth is such a wonderful thing. What a crime to waste it on children. 61542 -- George Bernard Shaw 61543% 61544Youth is the trustee of posterity. 61545% 61546Youth is when you blame all your troubles on your parents; maturity is 61547when you learn that everything is the fault of the younger generation. 61548% 61549You've always made the mistake of being yourself. 61550 -- Eugene Ionesco 61551% 61552You've been Berkeley'ed! 61553% 61554You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture. 61555% 61556You've been telling me to relax all the way here, 61557and now you're telling me just to be myself? 61558 -- The Return of the Secaucus Seven 61559% 61560You've got to have a gimmick if your band sucks. 61561 -- Gary Giddens 61562% 61563You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas. 61564% 61565You've got to think about tomorrow! 61566 61567"TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_________yesterday* yet!" 61568% 61569"Yow! Am I having fun yet?" 61570 -- Zippy the Pinhead 61571% 61572"Yow! Am I in Milwaukee?" 61573 -- Zippy the Pinhead 61574% 61575"Yow! And then we could sit on the hoods of cars at stop lights!" 61576 -- Zippy the Pinhead 61577% 61578"Yow! Did something bad happen or am I in a drive-in movie?" 61579 -- Zippy the Pinhead 61580% 61581YOW!! Everybody out of the GENETIC POOL! 61582% 61583"Yow! Is this sexual intercourse yet? Is it, huh, is it?" 61584 -- Zippy the Pinhead 61585% 61586"Yow!! Those people look exactly like Donnie and Marie Osmond!!" 61587 -- Zippy the Pinhead 61588% 61589"Yow! Now I get to think about all the BAD THINGS I did 61590to a BOWLING BALL when I was in JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL!" 61591 -- Zippy the Pinhead 61592% 61593YO-YO: 61594 Something that is occasionally up but normally down. 61595 (see also Computer). 61596% 61597Zall's Laws: 61598 1: Any time you get a mouthful of hot soup, the next thing you do 61599 will be wrong. 61600 2: How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom 61601 door you're on. 61602% 61603zeal, n: 61604 Quality seen in new graduates -- if you're quick. 61605% 61606Zero Defects, n.: 61607 The result of shutting down a production line. 61608% 61609Zero Mostel: That's it baby! When you got it, flaunt it! Flaunt it! 61610 -- Mel Brooks, "The Producers" 61611% 61612Zeus gave Leda the bird. 61613% 61614Zisla's Law: 61615 If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants. 61616% 61617Zounds! I was never so bethump'd with words 61618since I first call'd my brother's father dad. 61619 -- William Shakespeare, "King John" 61620% 61621Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor: 61622 People are always available for work in the past tense. 61623% 61624